Punch 1865: Vol 48

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ir a —— > ~ << a a SS

QV FLEET STREET, *- ble) ie) THE OFFICE,

ANS Ss hi PUBLISHED AT

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LONDON : BRADBURY AND EVANS, PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS,

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# e/ THE GENERAL ELECTION. ts fi < SS Or a... nm. JZ HE Election of the Memper ror THE Brirish Emprre has taken place, in anticipa ofall other returns. There was no opposition. The moment Mr. Puncn had signified his readiness to be again elected, the proceedings became matter of form. Mr. Poncn, attended by Toxy, ascended the hustings, and Mrs. Puncn and her lovely daughters occupied places at an opposite window. The density of the crowd baffled all description. Mr. Poncu smilingly addressed a few words to his intended proposer and seconder, inculcating upon them the desirability. of brevity, considering the state of the atmosphere. Mr. Joun Butt, on the part of the Men of the Empire, proposed Mr. Puncu as a fit and proper person for Imperial Member. “ I have known him,” said Mr. Buin, “ for twenty-four years, and it is saying little to declare, that during that time I have never known him guilty of an unworthy word or deed. I say that during that time he has been frantically zealous in his efforts for the general good, and that it is to him we owe all the Reforms, Treaties, Triumphs, Exhibitions, Fine Weather, and Extra- ordinary Gooseberries which have tended to raise England in the scale of nations, and promote those principles which placed the House of Brunswick on the throne.” (Tremendous Cheers.) Mrs. Brrrannza said that woman’s rights having been recognised by Mr. Mum, she had great pleasure in coming forward on the part of the Women of the Empire (children included) and seconding the nomination.

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A Woman’s Man must be a good mai,.and Mr. Puncu was known par excellence—well, she would say cat exokeenas the Friéid of Woifian. Hé had ceffitiifly told Hér of hét dlight faiill®, but it was only to set | in w brighter light her splendid merits, and it was to M&: Poncu that the Wonté& of the Empire resorted for counsel, éoftifort, attitisement, and instri¢tion: Me. Bets: had veferred to Mt. Bowen's iohd servied’; but shie could only say that he looked younger than ever, and grew Watidsoiiét evefy Gay. She hopéd thit Mas. PoX6# would not bé jédléus of her for ddmiting him, but #hé fhust say that she considered him as aii tinlintited and dfitnitigtted Duck” (Terfijié and rénewed Cheere) No sther Gahaiasté being proposed, (“ E stiowla like to see one,” said the thst mpéaker; grasping het trident iia dehi@iiilfative fashion,) Ma. Poxou Was deélated duly Elected for thé Empife. When thé shitting had subsided) not bétause thé world wished to desist, bit had shOtited itsclt into exhaustion, Tae Hvtnut MeMBi advanced, and spol a8 follows — . * You have thié day done 4 right and a Wisd thitg: Dé fet supposs that F anal thank you, or eotipliment you for What You have done? By Jove, f should say fot: As My fFiend RoxstGk aid to the mob at Sheffield, I know what I am a@botit, afd fou mind fotk OWh Business: Yod have élééted the only peféh in the world who is capable of doing thé work hé atdeftakes to 46; afd mesa to do it. | What I have done for twenty-four yeats; in Géfianéé of all mM@HRC6, AUVIGG, bribe; siggestio#; étiti¢ism, and abuse, I intend to do for twétity-four yéats mote; that id te say, f MGA to keep England ifi thé Right Placé. You Gah go. I have no intentioh of stayitig. Bit here i& séittethiiig #6 take home with you, and in utter defiance of the ‘Treating Act, I give you all this Treat.” And as from the magic hat of Friern or Sropare, there flew out innumerable copies of the Forty-Cighth Volume, TH forefa

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PUNCH. 3 PISCES JANUARY xxxi Days. FEBRUARY xxviii me -} 17) Pe! Franklin b. KR RR i 0) R ilw ise. Todm 8| W | Prisea i Rachel d. SE tis L&D CK et A ao $3 | Pea bd . | ital ‘w Lbha. 22: WF ann |WiCa. & Paul : arnie a1 np: a. - Q. Viet mar. 24\F | M U ie FOR IS68 sl & $ Tue Boast or Boarp or Workxs.—‘‘ Our Saxon L NEW PROVERB. Worsuip oF THE Sun.—Was poneiioet the royerem forefathers drained the mead, and we will drain the metro- Earty to bed and early to rise, Britons. Is still kept up by young Bri polis.” Is the way to feel stupid and have red eyes. their first baby-boys. \Wi! “TEN Ory Wy, . ae SS \s ~S RIN \ iY ¥ Y &, YY ; \f LA. Aes "sil se DN ie = i First Punch and Judy Man (to invalid ditto). § ‘ HuLLO, BILL, COULDN'T THINK WHAT ’AD BECOME O’ YER. ReETinep From Business? Were ‘A YER BEEN Wuy! you Don'r LOOK WELL, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YER?” Invalid Punch and Judy Man (in a whistling whisper). ‘‘ BEEN LAID uP, Job, WERY QUEER, GOT OVER IT NOW, THOUGH, “4 First Punch and Judy Man. “‘ WHat, HAVE You ’ap a CoLp?” Jnvalid, “‘Wuss, '’ap A Haccipsyt. SWALLERED THE CaLu! !”

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~ PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1865. HACKNEY CARRIAGE (OR CAB) FARES AND REGULATIONS. Tae Driver must drive six miles in any no matter where you want to fe. the If a om te oceur after closing of night, and the Driver is bound to call him at a seasonable hour in the morning. Ladies will invariably ad- dress every cabdriver as ‘‘ Mr. Cabman.” Young men may talk to him as “Cabby,” but must, of course, pay something extra for the pri \ Property \ sioner of po! who is bound to find an owner for it some- where. ah ae The every om- nibus s present each = senger, on leaving his vehicle, with a bill of fare. Any cabman or "bus con- ductor misbehaving himself in any way whatsoever, is dressed in a | white sheet, and, with a ted candle in his hand, is forced to walk barefoot to St. Paul’s, where, after publicly recanting, he will be invited to e of a cold collation in the whisper- ing gallery. He will then be driven three times round the cathedral, accompanied by the organist on the large organ. No cabman has undergone this sentence for many years ; a fact that s: volumes for their social improvement. SONG OF MERCURY. Very brief my circuit’s term is, My Homeric name is Hermes, Which don't rhyme to Holo- fernes. GLIA LL BANTING BE BLOWED. Needy Nephew. “‘I BELIEVE You'’RE RIGHT THERE, UNCLE, AND THAT IT'S MY DEBTS KEEP ME 80 THIN. WHAT DO YOU SAY TO TAKE 'EM OFF MY HANDS, GIVE OVER BANTING, AND GO IN FOR THAT OLD Port aGain!!” THINGS NOT WORTH REMEMBERING. (FOR SERVANTS.) That master has to becalled ‘ at six 0’ in order that he may by the first train on most a That (if called) he'll want his breakfast. bell has That an been rung twice A 3 That have been told is not be left o That the newspa the en or to remain in try all day. That you have broken three of the new wine glasses and a decanter or two. That master’s have to be cleaned—also the silver by a certain time in the , That the cloth should be laid for the . dinner twenty minutes before it is uired. t the family requires to be quite as comfortable as those in the kitchen. A Sepurcurat Barrow.— The Knacker’s cart. } WeLhisbi, 44777 Li WZ fe y Y S SS \ % Y YG li i] | i SS i va iin | ii eit Nay AN THSNANE ti 1 HNN iit IR | i \/ 1 ( WN Wi » | WA \N a i By Il) ANd \\\ \ \ ef \ \ \ \ \ N SS s\ Ss B Z tj MIGHT BE WORSE. Darling Daughter. ‘‘ Ou, Pa, wHAT D’you TuINK? Ma’s Lost Ten Pounps !” Davghter. “‘Husu—sn, Pa! Since sue’s Bantine I MEAN—AVERDUPOISE OR WHATEVER YOU CALL IT, YOU KNow |” Papa. “‘ Wuat! THE OLD —=,

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SONG OF VENUS. TAVRVS Grecrans called me Aphrodite, Pom te f mT i awe ~ Oe m the sea I s up, m: . MARCH xxxi Days. Bo my chariot has ©. springs. 4 W | Ash Wea. l17/e i ag GUIDE FOR MARCH. «she am 19 [38.0 tae ong ~ Gate Se! mete Park. . prine «De e 0 ver n- eae | ora i tine (so called from its winding is course from Pimlico to Bays-|, Fawoy History.—“ Take away water), you can take a row: and that Bauble,” as Tom Savers prop. | 8. to Lent on your way back, if on foot or on | ©x¢laimed, contemptuously, to i hing horseback, you can take another | Macs, after his seconds threw up i the sponge. ‘ rr : Ame ect tet Oo a euat ae THINGS NOT WORTH REMEMBERING. | Where that cold fowl and jelly went that was left from The name of the gentleman who called on important parti lunch the other day. business, but had no card. — an, aah ee ee To keep the ccalvouiti filled. To dust the bookshelves. SS Sw r, LV ~<— Eee SA Se yy) I Py ath 4

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PISCICULTURE. Tue New Patent Traction Crane. Burris Lanps « rave “ Sitvrus Giants,” 400 lbs. weiant, AFTER ax Exorrina Ruw or Four Mives.

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y ALMANACK FOR 1865. INDUSTRIAL EXHIBITION BY THE ARISTOCRATIC CLASSES. ~~ PRESERVES ty . thew ee a \ Lapy PLATE , [eo j —— ae —— ; } A‘ U | i) | NK i i aA \ h) @ MWS t Ny NOU i | { N || wy i \ N a ( at SAY — | i 7S) } Lace ORNAMENT FOR FiRESTOVE, MADE AND EXHIBITED BY ADMIRAL SiR Class IV. I«ptewents or SEL¥-DRFENCE, MANUFACTURED BY THE Lapy f | Hercuies Biuesiast, K.C.B. (Gold Medal.) Frora MISTLETO£Z, EXHIBITED BY THE COUNTESS PARTINGTON, HER MOTHER. | MAGNIFicentT PATeaWORK COVERLID, BY THE SAME. (Honourable Mention.) (Gold Medal.) : | SONG OF MARS, ADVICE FOR ALL FOOLS. THE MARRIED CLERK-MARTYR. | I'w the reddest of the stars, A weary lot is mine, my dear, } And my Latin name is Mars, at eS eae bray! Condemned to toil from ten to three, | | Whose alias is Ares, if you speak to him in Greek : Now boys, contract y- r debts, But two months’ holidays a-year, | | So a martialist in red, Wow’ than. tor'eour a ‘And all to keep a home for thee! May be often seen, it’s said, ee Ser ftiewds easaph bite, eoee A thousand pounds my salary! Ah! Descending of the Areas like a milingtary sneak. | nat selene ty 5 ren Why did you answer, “ Ask Mamma” ? | Now, fellow, start your carriage, Sportep Stamps.—Let Mamma give in to her darling in oo y' = | | mfineteen cases; then call in mae to sax “no” in the eth ed promises of ae Mepvicat Discovery.—An Irish homoopathic physician | | twentieth, and in all probability you 1 find no end of Ge : re aa if e, recommends Bark in hydrophobia, on the principle that it Cc | | spotled stamps on the nursery floor. a ence an oe & wile, is a hair of the dog that bit you. 8 Ww vr = : BWA te —— Mr. VANDYKE BROWN, having left the Dress on the Lay Figure carefully arranged, goes out for his usual Exercise, and this. is how the Boys took ' Advantage of his Absence.

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Sa / fa Wy . Wy jjoas whe | \ ty EF W Mf BE yy Sa : : Gla “yy 7, = ewned te them, which pe GE INI SONG OF JUPITER. oy thankfalty Geape. Hive CANCER = I was a god, uire exercise, work the clubs in —- And my name it was Zeus, Pall Mall and 8t. James’s Street. — The things that I did ee MAY xxxi Days. Were without an excuse. POOR RICHARD IMPROVED. JUNE xxx Days. | ——__—————_. ye a eye Sc. shbim|16|P | Wet Tyler 2 , st. i rah | GUIDE FOR-MAY. ee Or 7-0) 18/6 [teat te pea | Nick month for the country. He who has tick at “ Cock” or ee Men. S0r en Bn. AS fila Go to Bath. If you in Town » W | [Dep. 1848/28|Th| B. Murten ie | visit the Tower. Ask to see the | Need not get up until he please, Naps air Com BT. oT. | Constable of the Tower. He will in 5p OS NRE 1 1 Becer] 95 F 2 Su.al.Tr. 10, W | wait upon you if on duty: if not,| May-Day. Piscicutrure.—Now 11'6 |Teia. Gum. |96 M | Gen. IV. 4. & hits ask forany other Constable, they’re | stock your aquarium with pike, jd) ag Ne RL, 138 = alike. Ba Beefeaters — bee But = ow of b ponit baw | [C Cartes) 99 Fes nie at one o’cloc ctually. en people to come Hy time. You are ahlowell to throw | see Jack in the Green. Bririe Pearis.—Tacitus says they were common in his time. pion | may still vccasionally be met with, though rare. The kinds are, a good wife, a thorough cob, a bottle of forty port, and a perfect beef-steak. BORDERING ON A JoKE.—A teetotaller, living not far from | Crest-FALLEX.—A lady who had made a fortune by con- Coldstream, has pledged himself te read no poet but Spen- | fectionery, applied to the Heralds’ College for a coat of ser, because he is the only ene in whom he can find “the | arms, and was rather discomfited on being told that they well of English undefiled.” | could only give her a—lozenge. iy mn '\ Uy = Sa — any ‘ , J : N\ : : ——— \ NAN A Ni 4 \ \ Ci : a\\\ \) Wit \s - — ees - . ——_ - NEW BATHING COMPANY (LIMITED)—SPECIMENS OF COSTUME TO BE WORN BY THE SHAREHOLDERS.

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1865. i Lae ‘ e/ ,? ‘ PY 7 ti pa —~ = A SE *- TIN UL ae rt , ST RDA Mill PN WOT LEM PROBABLE RESULTS OF THE ACCLIMATISATION SOCIETY.—THE STREETS. SNILN3dugS SHL—ALSIOOS NOILVSILVNITIOOVY SHL JO SLINSSY 3I1EgvEOud

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK’ FOR 1865.

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} ul — : ISIE \\ iis! \ < SIRS Yo | aa i; me ~) i hy ‘ 4 me be _ ef \blat ) hobby oo ’ S 4 <c. LEO SONG OF JUNO. LOVE SONG. VIRGO | Ir you put the civil query, Tuey say I am a bad young man, % What’s my name in Greek, it’s} 1 rather think they tell tho | that brace, 3 I tin de bt wh I } t brute, Jove, was often " e' jebt where’er I can, a . tite "ve bet and gambled from my AUGUST xxxi Days. youth. THE EFFECT OF GETTING | I swear, and drink, and stop out pos MARRIED. And rob my friends of rings and hehe 5 “Poor Dick ! how sadly he is pins: shestg.b) altered since his marriage!” re- | Wed me, and save me from the fate iuerthele marked one friend to another. Which else will recompense my Watt 4. ‘* Why, yes, of course,” replied the sins! ’ by 4 S other ; ‘‘directly a man’s neck is Rj SPER Ee B. Leipsie in the nuptial noose, every one Owe Great Lotrrry Orrice h ~ must see that he’s a haltered | strut RecooNisep sy THE Law.— en person.” The Marriage Register. Tar Banxs.—Employ a waterman from any City cab- How TO CALCULATE THE VARIATIONS IN THE BARROW- A Jaunt 1s June.—Mrs. B, while staying at stand to take you from bank to bank. It isa pretty sight | meTer.—Measure the bottoms ef the costermonger’s pints | Brentford, visits Kew Gardens, and then writes home word to notice the current coin passing between the city banks. | in dispensing Barcelonas from his barrow. that she “ has been to Kew and sin the Kewrosities.”

"a tel, <= — os ; THE WONDERS OF THE DEEP—OLD LADY’S FIRST VIEW OF THE SEA. “ Wat, I’m sURB, WHAT A MOST EXTRAORDINARY CRINOLINE THAT CREATURE HAS ON!”

Sale —, ee

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1865. HORTICULTURAL CURIOSITIES. — 4 rege sore! Fm STRORBERRY, THE PRIZE WATER MELON. Tar Prize i REACHES ba ENNY Aa Stick; Buack Currants, Two ror : ; MinaTiINne Point oF MaTURITy ON THR THIRD Taree 'ALFPENCE.” ’ Connoisseur (tasting). “ rang hn Sa FORTNIGHT WILL DO Day oF Tun Exeinenon. HACKNEY CARRIAGE (OR CAB) FARES AND Babies and children under five, are charged by weight : SONG OF GEORGIUM SIDUS. REGULATIONS and when the wait is over a quarter of an hour, it is more Paik nie @ noways soft NS. than sixpence. The precise value of three children is Bes oo peste eel tal: You can hire a cab by the mile or the hour: it is | therefore easily calculated. And i ld G: ORORY ¢ ne aloft, , f generally done, however, by holding up the hand, the Two children under ten are equal to an adult person. Of a pees pened «rte Bo stick, the umbrella, and shouting out ‘‘Hi!” If hired | Parents travelling in cabs are required by law to carry with course you chang name ERSOHEL, by the me ° 2 ~ a nes ent if by the expression of ou the =e certificates s their children, which SE your *‘ ” the fare is equally low. they are bound te produce every five minutes, if uested If you are unable to defray the expense of your drive, tell | so to do by the Cabman. xt NEWS FROM THE VEGETABLE KINGDOX. the Driver to take you up to the Piccadilly end of the Bur- The Cabman has no right to turn round on his seat and Or tidings there is dearth, lington Arcade. Then get out, tell him to wait, enter the | make faces at his fare through the window. This is spe- Yet still doth Mother Earth Arcade, and having walked quickly through, exit at the | cially provided against, by a bye-law. Teem with great en nage pumpkin, pea, t other end. He - yw aes * once, and thus ail Every Driver is bound to give ee hirer o tateet of some Sar nen vee 4 be unpleasantness an utation as @ amount may sort or another. Ask for one for the Opera, the Season, peares , a avoided. or for a stall at any one of the theatres. Old friend at need, Enormous Gooseberry. OO (=, dl No : Ms TT aaa an IS? i ine 1 lS i) y AM e2 NA YOUNG FITZ-GHIBELLINE (OF THE BLUES) GOES A-VISITING IN HIS LOVELY NEW BROUGHAM, WHEN— Street Boy. “‘1 say, Brut, ’sre’s a Swett or a Docror. S'posz we ony, ‘Jouiop!’”

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“PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1865. .

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N Bw ity <7) siril\ STILL ISI TT

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SONG OF NEPTUNE. I’m the only star that kept tune When the spheres their music tried on. Latin lubbers call me Neptune, My dear eyes, my name's Pos- eidon.

LIBRA

SEPTEMBER xxx Days.

SJSPROESIG7EO 2? : DET ;

FOR A CHILD. Speak when not spoken to, y Sulk when you're chid, \ Bang the door after you, N Good little kid. \ ZA WD, ad G

THE ontyY Assurance Duty WHICH Mr. Poncu w''.L BEAR OF. —The Duty of Assu ance.

LOVE SONG. WE met amid the glittering crowd, We danced, I tore thine ample skirt, And thou, not shy and noways roud, P Demandedst why I would not flirt: Thy frankness will not let me shrink From this avowal fair and true. Because I have a wife, and think She’s a much nicer girl than you.

Fixet MARRIAGES are not yet done away with—at least a great uumber of people who get mar- ried, regret they were not slower about it.

— SCORPIO

OCTOBER xxxi Days.

oe ee ee ee Ae2en~—SCeO 1388S

A 16 8. af.Te.|17|Tu| Btheldreds RM? 33g3ENe E34 2 9 5 i a 8 Saf. 31 Tu &. s. 4h38m Boufeurs| |

Srort m Tax Susorss.—Exhausted brickfield taken on lwase by speculative builder. Rubhiah shooting commences TON's Ana/omy.]

QuoraTion WANTED.—“ That Struin again?” [Try Bur-

THE most Pi

re i is : za Ni = pe ST Fry Ma fi ‘| I i i AG Gh) RN 8 ee VWs NOVEL ADVERTISING. Our FRienD WITH THE FINE FIGURE HAS ACCEPTED A Suit or CLOTHES FROM AN ACCOMMODATING TawOR. NO MENTION HAS BEEN MADE OF PAYMENT. He STARS IT O8 THE PARADE, AND ENJOYS THE SENSATION HE OREATES, LITTLE KNOWING WHAT USE THE TAILOR’s TOUT IS MAKING OF HIS FASUIONABLE APPEARANCE BEHIND HIS BACK.

OTENT Leco-mottve ENcixr. An M.P. in the eyes of his Constituents who want places.

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REMARKABLE EVENTS, INVENTIONS, &o. (x.c. 52.}—Alexandrian Library burnt, giving occasion ent Omar's detestable pun, “ What began with Alexander, should end with The Panizzi of the room. ‘A.D. 274.)—Silk first brought om India. It was unbleached, and the colour gave rise to the word “ D’Ingy.” (a.D. 1098. }—Wine first sold by apothecaries as a *‘cordial,” an —— by wine merchants as cr und.” Hence, the “‘rich (a.D. 1100. a. land by Benxpict a nota like other monkish inven- tions in ca seen through from th: (A.D. “1540. )— Gunpowder in- by me yo monk ScHWARTZ i oy em — Great triumph A RHYME AND A RIDDLE. THE reason’s plain as any poker, A costermonger’s like a smoker : D’ye see (here in the ribs a poke) He can’t get on without his (8) moke. PUNCH’S ALMANAGK FOR 1865. Gun Deeh it follow that Woman is superior to Man, con- oo as a purely reflective - Note—In the race of life, a — has observed oman favourite carries off plates. genious suggestion account for her feel- ing oy M+ sega ao, de rival to pieces ? PRETTY INNOCENCE, ** Ma, dear. has Papa any bachelor uncles?” **No, my love.” ‘Then Mamma, — pray what mean your un For you said just before his last gift, those carbuncles, He was too fond of seeing his A VoLunTEER says that he has bachelor haunts |” read with impatience the foolish speculations about the holes in the Lunar Orb. He has no = Vy, ~: oe ‘ CHaninc-Cross.— There doubt _ oy “= F wa tad by A OH ; nine wines ws ae Se parties who have shot the Moon. RISTMAS SERMON. w ev ffect of rag merece eee (Dedicated to Pusry, Denison & Co.) Se Was any woman go a ES Drer.—In a case ixy. “On, AMY, WHERE 18 THE MISTLETOE?” out Charing other eae ete aeeet yo tL .. - - a Pl on. poner COUNSEL TO THE POOR. Take © knye house oak Gert yey nek. Mippie Ctass Examinations.—A schoolboy, who re- PHILANTHROPIC SENTIMENT. garded his studies with an objectionable levity, was ‘“* Tux trampled worm will turn,” say men of learning. asked how many Argonauts there were? He replied, that Trample on until he's tired of corning. their number could not be reckoned, because noughts were ciphers. How To Keep a Birtapay.—Keep it to yourself. Tue Parron Saint or Avcriuneers.—S8t. FRANCIS DE SALES. ye [ms a | ‘vs! sip my iy Thiytectt foi iy Wy il 4) My \ if Hat mt Al I Wit, WL Di Uy / Whit? 244-2 ' = ——— Ky ; My os © MY, % i Witgy,! WT WU). WW LN wih pt My NE STINET UCLA (| | “ill dll “wi We ooplil tH ™ BL HIIN aS \ \ ie mi" ily Ai \ WD a =" (fi /I / ( / fi Sai | ip jis THE DANGER OF HAVING FIRE-ARMS IN YOUR BED-ROOM. Alarmed Wife. “Ou, Georce! witaT 1s THE MATTER ?” George. “ Hust! 11's tHe Waits.”

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ly, . vil AGI T ARIVS A POEM (¢ la Porr) ON A LOVE SONG. SAGI TT. PON ie Pom) OR A] LE CAPRICO RNV Dawn Curtp hath no arrow that Each day I come and woo, Could reach thy heart through all | And ifthis riddle thou canst guess, thy fat : more than I can do. NOVEMBER xxx Days. But should one ever pierce, and | But this I know, and this I vow, DECEMBER xxxi Days. vets a ero All Saints |16|Th| Erekine. A flame, thou’dst perish in the | ve thee less than now, Ly |§.r-7hd6m| /2Sinad 5 a ohm blaze ! | I'll never love thee more. 3 | Ady: Sem Aa. aie eyes Boss CuaistTuas Cracker.—Does it! Curisruas Cracker.—Whatsort py Nowra Th eles anginy soothe the feelings of a photo- | of a marriage should you say that Shrh|Wisxman a.|83 6 | Ine iieah rele. oe iS grepher, when he receives a posi- | is which a man makes whose name 4 GOV Many |96 & 48. in Adv rex JOR | [raitaD. ve refusal from a lady, that she | is Morgan, and who lives in a 10)6 |$8 inAds.|96 To] St. Suephen tar Martin gives him a negative? | garret? A Merganatic marriage. toe | ae eden lak ul teens 1a erties SeasonaB.e. — Poulterers like| Cneap Receipt ror MAKING A 13 WW |kacie 0 &r. Bhim fy fener 4 Christmas, because then they y | Raisep Pre.—Sell a penny tart for Si |LWelend [31 & 122%. feather their nests. twopence. 168 \Ca M.T.«.! A eee poy: Hint.—However much we may dislike to be A Taine not Wortu Remempertnc.—That the fires in A TaovcatT rok THE Time.—The best house to the perplexda or inconvenienced during the rest of the year, at | “ master’s study” and the dining-reom have to be kept in | 81st of December in is a schoolmaster’s, because there you Christmas we all wish to be hampered. during the day. are sure of having the new year properly ushered in. OT | ; > Nits AGE wy: basset it é \ \ UP 4 Tue GENTLEMAN REPRESENTED ABOVE 18 AT FAULT ~ Tue First Time ty nis Lire). He HAS BEEN INDUCED TO TRY THE DAVENPORT TRICK, BUT AFTER HAVING BEEN (yy. istletoe bough hanging over Mr. Punch's head.) BOUND, HE FINDS HE ‘‘ CANNOT DISENTANGLE.” . You perceive the

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January 7, 1865.) PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. pe Ber } A f Wa i! PUNCH’S ENCYCLICAL LETTER. relativin’ be contains,” tron tells wo tate woh da el a prt seco > EAR Boys, Dear Boys, if you will allow us to quote the words of the t he propositions of Punch’s Forty-Seventh Book, which, singly and Venerable P. Gruzn (No. 1865 in the Books), we shall have great | © ectively, meet with our pone approval. \ $ poe in reiterating the sounds of Hospitality, Dear Boys, Dear Boys The proposition that we should continue this Psa te - lengt ow are all round the fireside ? as often as it is agreeable to your no Ie py of K agny the {ycondennel, evening possi ie, at is a easantest selves. Not, however, to weary you with needless repetitions, after | Patty possible, is decisive Dear Boys, ys, by your tbe cheery fashion of the revered PavL DE Beprorp, whose work, | &Ve attached well-wisher, PUNCH. addressed to so many “ Corinthians,” we have recently perused, we wil content oursélves with admonishing you that “we are here again!”| Givenatour Re at the commencement of our Forty-Kighth Volume, (vide Clown’s Address, Sc. 1, of Pantom. Com. Bus.), and we, hereby, do and the Twenty-Fourth year of our existence. peartily a -f nol all a right Merry Christmas, and the Happiest of ms 54: 1 is dar gp Dear Boys, Dear Boys, to guard you against error : . to warn you that there re alas certain men, of un sound and per THE POPE’S BULL IN THE PANTOMIME. nicious opini going about, who do no rin m as that Clown sings “the Ourre: Current Namber ber of this Periodical ean be obtained, without (ews ) mien th by temoving it from the counter of the Publishing « office, Preasz, Sir—I mean your Holiness—peceavi / I had rather wh © _ in Ag ~ ewe is not so eee. id 77 proposition we Be vale to a Policeman than offend the Holy Father. iva (Bell’s Life, Page \, any Upon my word of honour—if you’ll credit my assertion— oa interpreted by t by the illustration accompany Through reading Doctor Newman I was very near conversion. tae % cing as above) means that such a ming the is, in the vulgar, all our eye. I was prepared to i, with unquestio dosility There : tnfallibil are some among you who do not blush to promulgate the The biggest things delivered by anprogte laf doctrine of Bantingism, nai that at this time of the we To stretch my mouth from ear to ear I shouldn’t a objected, should of no plum — nor of mince pies, nor of nigh tepeh Would ria have opened it to any width directed. pan ok m the one nor of, in short, any fat Christmas fare But really t Buayelieel, hatever ;” all such _all such propositions we do, with mince-pious horror, most Your Hohn oe ine published just nor orig’ Nphinew: eapecial’ aides, on omioan. heresy of Fen a guest to dine at the hour of h segen| pod “es a of nies seein, six, when the moment intended is seven, is ultimately, directly an y, productive of unp’ ‘cag ng om appetites, overdone pm bg Against despotic beteeniro ouncing insurrection, and dyspepsia. ny ropa also condemned. Den g people's. right to choose their rulers by election, But what shall of those is by forgetful of the many benefits Proclaiming the State bound to the Church in persecution, they have placa 7 at our per Pa versely threaten to, as they coarsely Condemning free ae conseience free, and liberal constitution, Biya = tiga on our Toby !” these misguided men we say no more It is—excuse, your Bolea, my freedom of expression ; propositions made by extortionate cabmen to “ leave the fare to Pardon a homely metaphor derived from my profession : us to make it another sixpence,” we_unhesitatingly condemn. It is—with all deb deference I speak, with submission— rs ide. Decisions, Bow Street ) It is a string of sausages too large for deglutition. VOL, XLVII,

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2 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (January 7, 1865. ODE ON THE BURIAL OF THE SPOON-BONNET. “ Bonnets are no longer worn high in the front.”— Fashions for December. uRyY the Sense -bonne Mid the Graces’ exultation: Let us bury the Spoon-bonnet, To the sound o rejoicin from the Taste of the Nation. Mourning your own Creation’s Modistes and Milliners bear up the pall, But bread-winners with short purses look j joyous one and all! Where shall we bury the Spoon that is no more ? Here, in the midst of the ugliest modes of yore ; ’Mongst the old shapes that were queerest, And to Coal-skuttles came nearest, Place the palm upon the tomb of the Spoon whose reign is 0’ er. Mourn, for to us it seems the Last, Remembering its dimensions i in the past ; No more our fair ones’ faces shall w e greet ’Neath high-pleached — of foliage, in the street. Mourn for the Spoon—to growling husbands dear, That digped e Se into whe nought eep and wide, Dearer to ought abide That’s he aaa alee, “and costs not much to wear! Mourn for the cen, On that po - frights brought down Unto the common level of Tuz Guy, Ye whose plain looks on pretty fashions frown, Lest on your ugliness they shame,should cry. Mourn, short-faced dumps, to be drawn out that sighed, And of high-fronted bonnets craved the boon : Mourn, fone thaal frumps, that, well nigh desperate, tried To drown the long face in a longer Spoon, Mourn for that porch of amplest breadth of sweep Ye that had acres wide of cheek to show; Great in compass, and great in cost, And leaving room upon your heads to hea: Piles of rich fruit, and flowers in fullest blow In wild confusion tost. Spoons are over and done, Can’t say, Thanks to the giver on, for one! Let its knell be tolled, With a shake and a ’ shiver ; Lay the Spoon in the mould, Or let its shape be rolled ag 2 in the mud of the river, So ’tis but pa at down Fe ‘ed With bygone horrors of old, Auens the graves that hold ashion’s monstrosities manifold ! The loft 73 laid low by Time’s sharp scythe, behold ! Its yon ler dust, its curling irons cold ; There sleep short-waists, wasted to shorter still, And pokes, wherein n Regen i the scant Yor wan wax that one bout our gran others, when they were young, Tie, waiting . d. ee when Le pe e opposing ’3 NOW Laid in a par na hard yy ele If she, indeed, can keep Her everlasting ml Within the space appropriate to three, And shrouds are not forbid becoming "breadth of seams. Thus rival queens of Mode, discrowned, Sleep, side by side, in Folly’s common ground, Turning to scorn the madness of extremes. Lay the Spoon-bonnet low ! = - a voend with tearful brine, id it happy-speed To that Elysian mead Where the departed — shine With a faint after-gl And let the vom ‘doen, That not a pompon peep Even of that high-reacking front, to say Where it is put away— Whate’er the Bonnet of the}Fatare be, If Spoon at all, a tea-spoon may we see, And not a table- —— or gravy large, Like this, whose ample m Is cut by Fate’s stern jae. and Hoshion’ ’s doom to-day! Tue Artist TO IntustRaTE A Guost Story.—Speckrer.

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January 7, 1865.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

Robert. “ Any Louisa (reading to herself). ‘I THINK, DEAR, THAT YOU HAD BETTER GIVE YOUR BroTHER A SLIGHT HINT THaT Ceci RaTTLETON SEEMS INCLINED TO PAY RATHER MARKED ATTENTIONS TO‘ Miss GoLconDa GOLDMORE,' AND IT MIGHT BE PRupENT”—(Aloud) “ Bop! Ma says, Crs Rats 1s SPOONY ON CONDY, AND THAT YOU'LL JUST BE {OUT OUT IF YOU DON’T WAKE UP, SiR.” HE = . \ roay\ Pre

“RIGHT OF TRANSLATION RESERVED.” Mrssacz From MY MoTHER TO mg, Louisa?” DNV NAY \' — \ WY \ Wes Va a \ \\ Wns aN WEEN TN ——$—$<—

\ \ Ww \ \ iy i Fl NY Bo Sa [Curtain falls upon Bob's Meditations on his Mamma's improved style.

CONDEMNED TO GO TO CHURCH. THERE are not a few persons who disbelieve in Christianity, and vote Divine Service a bore . To such the late judgment of the Privy Council has been considered likely to be gratifyi Ait It cannot, however, have e given them half the pleasure which they w Xperience On perusing the subjoined extract from the decision of the Admiralty on the case of the Rev. Mr. Gurreres, Chaplain of the Resistance, who had refused to obey an order from Captain CHAMBERLAIN to report on the attendance of a midshipman at afternoon as well as morning service on board that vessel, which that gallan t officer had imposed on the lad as a punish- ment for going to sleep at service in the morning. The Chaplain, in a remonstrance which e had submitted to the Admiralty, had pleaded that “it was impossible for him, as a clergyman, to act as a spy on his congregation, or to report who were or who were not present, for punishment.’ to be “ Publicly an d su an Divine ° My Lords, however, order the reverend gentleman d severely reprimanded for declining to undertake the direction of the punitive attendance of a pman for three months at Atheists and heathen will note with satisfaction that my Lords do not content themselves with censuring the cler, for refu: to ish a report demanded by his superior officer. They y specify his disobedience, and are parti in remarking that the matter to which it related was the “ punitive attendance” of a midshipman “ at Divine Service.” Thus they expressly confirm, as far as their authority goes, the idea of the nature of religious worship evidently enter- by Cartan CuamBer.arn. After this declaration of opinion, we expect to see attendance at Divine Service occasionally substi- tuted for ascent to the mast-head, and ultimately, perhaps, prayers ordered instead of a round dozen in the Navy. An Act, too, will per- be passed, on offenders so uant whereto the civil magistrate will sometimes months’ church, like Captaris CHAMBERLAIN,

However, their Lordships, to save a ces, which are against their —_ intimate, in a privatejand confidential memorandum, that hence- orth :— “ No duty of an executive character must be expected from c' ; and that hay misbehaviour at church must not be punished by compulsory additional attendance at Divine Service.” ed My Lords do not go so far as to say that they think it otherwise than unadvisable that youngsters in the Navy should be disgusted with devotion, by having it enforced upon them as a “ punitive” imposition. But they distinctly endorse Captain CuaAMBERLALN’S view of attendance at Divine Service, which seems to be that it is in itself a sort of. suffer- ing like that of hard labour, and that misconduct in its endurance resembles a breach of prison discipline. ; The intimate connexion subsisting between the Admiralty and the iastical Court has something perhaps to do with those notions of my Lords on the subject of religion, whereof the disclosure will so highly delight freethinkers.

Praise for a Manager. Mz. E. T. hig xe ee ¥ that the Meet 1 ly Rag ager a to appear again in February. is very proper 0} give notice up to what time ladies and children, and respectable persons generally may safely attend to see his pantomine. We are pleased at so creditable and an attention to decency.

THE IRISHMAN IN SCOTLAND. Sor, there is a river that requires milk an’ s before ye’d dhrink a dhrop of it? What is it? Sure 'tis the river 7uy. Important Screntiric AnNOUNCEMENT (heard by our wide-awake Contributor about 8 a.m. to-day).—“ Water creases /”

oe

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ee ca in 4 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 7, 1865. MR. PUNCH’S HANDY-BOOK OF THE STAGE. CHAP, V.—OF “LINES OF BUSINESS,” AND THE RULES BELONGING TO THEM. tremel ee They enable ¢ actor to limit hi ne if if EE SF i fii Ads ofbe. or SO 7" what eode ES Lee =o Bn Ee g = gees a8 eo. waiting at the heels of Nature, and a wearisome gazing into the glass of ; fashion. “Lines of character,” again, enable an actor to make his engage- ments with a knowledge of what will be expected of him, and, what is still more valuable, afford the necessary openings for retreat from the unreasonableness of managers, and the pretensions of authors. If the actor is dissatisfied with his part, he has only to say, “I engaged for such a line of business; this part is not in that line,” to raise a cloud of questions under which it is —_ hard if he cannot defy both managerial exactions and get over any ye difficulties which may be raised against his just demands, should loss of situation ensue from his refusal of the part, on the specious pretext of what is due to the manager, and in entire disregard of what is due to himself. “Lines of business” are the strongholds of those venerable tra- ditions of the theatre which are to the art of the st what the Roman Catholic traditions are to the dogma of the Church. They are the barriers the ay ey Sy agp waves of naturalism and realism. By their help the theatre is enabled,to keep up those peculiar modes of dress, walk, voice, and manners, which assert so strongly the marked line of demarcation between stage art and nature. If we surrender these “lines”—the Torres Vedras of the stage—we shall soon lose the generous uncle who, in the last act, brings his unfailing ready money to the rescue of his | but improvident nephew. The touching “Bless you, my children,” will cease to mark the irresistible gush of parental forgiveness. The country-boy will no longer ring his simple changes on his affection for “ feyther,’ i manly resistance to the bey designs of “t’ squoire.” We shall lose the rapid rattle of the light comedian, so exhilarating in the theatre, so utterly wanting in real life. The harmonious “y” will be struck out of “ch-y-ild” and “k-y-ind.” The three strides and a halt of the heavy man and the tragedian will be turned into the commonplace walk of every-day existence. Old men will cease to wear their broad- brimmed hats and impossible gaiters, so dear to the successive genera- tions of play-goers, just as they have already, alas, abandoned the dress of the historic days of t imace of MunDEN, the unctuous breadth of Liston, the vivacities of THEWS, or—to come nearer home—the broad grin and rolling chuckle of Buckstong, the blending of tragic fire and grotesque fun in Rossoy, will disappear in their imitators, who now keep alight the vestal fire of comic ess by dint of following the men who have trod the same “lines ” before m The loss will be just as great in serious acting. To “lines of busi- ness” we owe it, that the schools of Kempe and Kay, of Youne and Macreapy, still survive among us in the reverent reproductions of their followers: and all this while, by rigid adhesion to these “lines,” the special ground of “art” is defended against those who insist that the actor, as such, should be able to play every part from which physical peculiarities have not absolutely debarred him, and that just im proportion as he can pass from grave to gay, from lively to severe, | i - SS = to one or who argue thus forget or ignore breadth of range would place the player at the he is a good actor, and in proportion as he limits him the other, an imperfect one. Those how absolutely t command of manager and author, and leave him weaponless against their unreasonable Sands and heartless’ indifference to sus- is & class—most authors may be included in are al mpti to merge all “lines of business” in call Do not listen to them. Remember that there is a “line of business” called “ character .” This clearly proves all not included under this head are not “ P acted with strict reference to the rules and records of the “lime business ” to which they belong. character-parts,” but must be 0 maintaining, therefore, the established “lines of business,” let us see what are the rincipal rules to be attended to. First comes “‘ the lead, on © S ne be re which generally said to include the best of ‘e what is even more val almost i any part you do not like, or choose not “to see to Nr l power of rejecting your way in.” THE{LEADING MAN. Your welding priosiale tn thts Hao of Susans wpe’ be fo bear ind that you are in min “ prineipal light,” as painters say, the of the theatrical pyramid; the the picture ; the “dominant,” or a | note—to use the phraseol y of music—of the composition. orehand that of character or effect, in any piece you act in, shall down to the degree . . ity, and thrusting your subordi “lows pay Sow kept necessary to throw yourself and your part into th euting boep yourself well before the public, else in the way carefull y e taking the stage on into the background. and emphatically. In your parts nothing can be "Let your gestures be well marked, and as a rule let your arms play as much as your voice, and more than your face. A fixed expression ia a fan thing. The pp Ye i . Besides, the public is slow of iation, is very serious. es, yes , ee wil change your expression with follow it. of physiognomy is often the features thus caused and if you ill not be able to One someti actors trusting to infinitely delicate shades of = The os eee as if the move- ion, and minute and e carefully ment of a finger could ever tell like that of an arm, or that like a convulsion of the whole body! of an arm This is one of the defects of French art. RacHEt was a notable instance of this scene of “‘ Les erty and meanness of resources. 0 oraces” she used to evade the difficulties of poor J up with appropriate emotion and action the time occupied in a con dant’s long description of the battle in which her lover was killed, by fi into a faint! Even in the passionate part of Phédre she hard} ib raised her arm throughout. How different from the energetic self- In one famous Sn, the hysterical and vehement outward emotion which an tradition of our st would find prescribed for her by the wholesome Asareatohel. Whispering is all very well, if you have a hoarse voice as EpMuND Kean had, and can make your whisper tell. But even | . should use your loud and sotto voce effects only as a foil to juts Chan, bade entep at giving light and shade. But whether loud or low, anything is better than level speaking. ing can be finer (if your speaking good through its whole N register) than the judicious employment of your whole vocal gamut throughout your part, distributing your bass, to musical cons: . If the!sense interfere it boldly in the cause-of your art. Carefully i ise yourself in forcing the use, ought to tes able to raise And for securing this cheering tribute. tenor, and alto according with these, sacrifice note the use of your public. When you find you have made a point stick roe ge if possible strengthen it from night to night. the house as a juggler to extract the card he wants from the pack. Ihave alread y given some second and third Georezs. The| rules If you have a decided bent or a particular secret of effect, insist on the author’s invariably consulting it. If he does ity to mdulge the one and introd: not give you an oppor- ace the other, make one. _ Cultivate critics; look after your own advertising, and stipulate whenever possible, for separate posters much due to you as « separate bed to the usher in a This is a mark of respect as school dormitory. | ~ = a. e a

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January 7, 1865.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. 5

flashes, will go ten times as far, for people will foot ¢ to dwell duly ob thous you et tem sb us wader 8 Lr Eg i ple his oF pends introduce great economies in the payment of your ac d set off your own performance. 7 Remember that a pee one, with @ sufficient tail of a ;

DO YOU BURN YOUR LETTERS here is New Year's ar, and Mas, Ericurvs and t here is a good cigar, and there is a good fire t me, in . MaccERICHO— co ard doom her a poe ; woman has £3000 a year, an how ue evaded, but am sure ~ didn’ cy an truly, E. R. The next. Henny W hee. ty) is he >—wants my honoured autograph a pretty hand. drawer P—yes, quite. A some original verses, and tenes t =f pee me with were bad, and Mrs. Heicunvs had to pay three-and sweet, besides—well reminded—he has got > é Macaula: thinks I mean to let him a it. I abuse an disabuse C call him) per first post. Mr. Popprrer YawwEey—has the ONTGOMERY Tapp—eh, by Jove! Mus. Tapp ve Right months. Think Tl nothing about it—perh flock wh towards building her adored husband a ne oc account to make u not oak paying wa once, let alone twice. See to Who’s that explain that ‘little circumstance to her. Since that he with Mrs, Perrerrot and quarrelled,with me. re-inclose him the letter—but into the fire with it. beautiful genius will not be snubbed—she is sure he is is fifteen and cannot learn arithmetic. Rather think I i last report of the Earlswood ay Will I second Young Bratant McBorum at the Hip How did I get out of that? How the deuce did know I[ helped to bee: ball him. The Secretary of Institute, Ballywhobble, west of Ireland—Institute in give them a gratis lecture, as full of humour as possib

a manager, Cn ia Tig way oan be hope fo be ab able to do | ¥ tice to himself, to mark, in every way—in the bills as well | i lt etioe to Misnietl fs ite distanns between titnocl! and the rest of more left for the scenery, costume, and accessories necessary to fea Mz. Ericunvs Rorunpvus mproves New Yzan’s Eve. Do I burn my letters yet? Not half as often a Longa ttodo. But departed to behold Cinderel is, and X ain ne not yt hoe them home, 5 overhaul the contents of my letter drawer. “pei my fire-ass Maines, tad on errant get a new t and Whe comes first P Bruxy nut neal Tor Never w Bruix without t —I know ria ’t send it—in he ~e the name one whom he has studied and loved oe his youth up; cad os ~My my name wrong. Don’t think I sent it, yet his pene Sus oes rhyme to blubber. What ad ood, I pan = a in | a ioving ‘ale note in an open RY , pastageaph | and to write to BLUE-BELLE, Post-office, Shrewsbury. Vestrables , ‘Mane- MOISELLE BLUE-BELLE, were we not worthy of a lady’s confidence? Frank Crorron—sends me a brace of pheasants. I remember, they riage, and nobody had any change, and fee was ten at night and rain Reeser disagreesble,— RANK should frank his game, and send it amphlet on the Zrue Eguivalent of Fictitious Ourrency, and hopes that in any or all of the numerous publications with which I have influence—wants to be puffed against the next election—-saw his > the waste bheket first. There’s a blaze, wo—ho! Mars. likewise rude the which is sad. Never opened that woman’s — of manuscript novels, which she asked me to read, revise, and published, and what makes it all the worse, I never heard of her be: E in all my life. Wonder where it is. Whose fault shall I say it was? Another lady. Wife of the Reverend Trmorny Tops, asks for sub-| tg). where his labours are so blessed—writes without his knowledge— highly improper in a wife—am I sure I felt so at the time and did not help Trmotny? Mr. Cram yy ney bootmaker, thinks I must have — that his bill for the Alpine boots has been sent in, and havin; fry ord cee: mig. is #t always Tuesday Sur paid him, and hope ioe not lost the receipt, for the boots were Nine sides. Ah, I ought to bave burned this, Harry PeEpPERPOT, with a statement why he cannot, in justice to himself and | P@" his comforts, live with his wife any longer, and w y I ought to go and el five cent., and £300 toseamier the rage estate. to The Jentienen wines te theme not ae srg Pacer pT yh; um-—ought tohave. Here’s a scrawl. What a rich mind I must have, to have been able to imagine circum- stances that wa me, and to have forgotten what they were! Perhaps I said it was ¢ the rules for a man with red whiskers to secon hh or with I must have told some awful parable, well-known philanthropy induce me to come over in the winter, and the dark pad sodden, Tigh | Tn th position I need hardl say that an ell for yourself and an inch | tion for pr oe 4 else should be your motto. You will thus be able to tors, and have eiphers, makes YETP e family have all trang a vey £15. oe. ae Fecurer? pm rie forget te Tam -ninepence car- yy ant dare say LOTEN (as we pleasure to send acted bad and aps she’s dead. w house amid a this. H. A. P. has made it up mind Mrs. CLARRUP | sion JiaGLEs—asks me to recommend a good school for her boy, —— his a genius, for he inclosed her the potamus Club ? get out of that? the Aborigi debt, would my offer me a bed, but there was a tolerable commercial ina. Didn’t go, ee vis ny eos brother’s xp pose yore so hideously abused i in ai | the ge By oped (dessay her name’s )—would like a an with autograph remy on by their gifted suthor {that uate and sen: h. Tate os out of med Anot! lady ! . DE le OF ona & fine and valuable collec- of likenesses of eminent men (which is an interesting fact), and begs T will obtain for her the photographs and autographs of all the Contributors to Punch,—I must remember meeting her at poarente ia 1847, Must is , the Quezx—and—ha! This was a plant! The Government ved to know the names of the eee Administration of phe ae ae infantine eandour and ml 5 heartedness 1 never that. From what mare, we es Perhaps the Tower. ye p oodieh Apollo, I lying tha we were all so peasaome that photographers do eir sensitive plates . des: that none of us could write, but that we produced Punch by letation. I shall keep this letter, or discomfiture of my lamp ey A note from the above-mentioned suggesting “early” mi Sian How very much hs pare worl weld ari improved, did le, Editors included, let other i alone. wit lon: letter, - as crane pen a. N tight to meet but fel certain that a narrative induce extend ass noe | fat Ga one tae Teg Hat I had two B ’t, the previous from the same ow - j reat oe te as an had lost his sight, Toot d not Tork third time, he appeared as a whe bad bec rama by 8 faptye . Keep this letter, agamet his fourth Avatar. the writer is no beggar. bee on toed Mido. i AbwtySCEDs, and he has read my writings with a di ibe (who him ?), and that he has no doubt that im my black heart I find echoes of all the sentiments of my objee- Bases sy ry Has 's no business of his’n. ink note. Ah! that was a sell, gell. The hand-writing so a and all so dainty and I thought-—of course if it had been so 1 should have answered her in a fat erly mapner, and sent her Dr. Gr Legacy V* his fo oF —but it was invitation to examine t ; ag tyes of prices of coals at the Slaterubble Colliery. et her, her, ul collier Pe wt ick however, defeat Ps " ives, ge burn’ books minslonsry repo e evening than coals wheels. He’s a long Hm! ¥) | time gettin ar as plan now of can’t find the bell—but now he tugs at it like mad—all the street shall know that my household has been to the play. In they come—and now—of course—growl and bluster. He ought to have another shilling. If he gets it out of Mrs. E. I will eat him. He is louder. He gt S have it, because this is New Year’s Eve. I dissent from his logis, om poe oceed to refute it by affidavit and declamation. Se into hall. ) Now then, you fellow, what in—— (Left at Ang lonSscon

=

A WIDOWED]HERO, AND A LEANDER WANTED. Mr. Pouncu, who reads every line in every paper plies. in England and her Scotch and Irish dependencies, finds the following a enya - however, thrown pid ory | cording he new his own value, after the fashion of too man to their own account, he can only ore his oa the lady's wh to age the Holy Estate may Inds wis fre gran by her = demand that her “Rest sl wash inal every d ay makes us believe es | that she is a very estimablé

le? Could not Toe Artist To Intustrats A Forny Tatz--FRognicn.

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— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ——— [January 7, 1868, aH Ae i i | PLEASING ANNOUNCEMENT. New Country Servant (who, during a pause in the conversation, has knocked at the door and been told to “ come in”). “ Pitask, M’M, WE'RE OUT 0’ SHORT SIXES” /!! [Horror of Young Mistress, who is entertaining a. visitors, may be imagined. Upon your reverend corns, Bid us, on not to take Your last bull by the horns ; keystones of our freedom In bar of such demands, although Ez cathedré you toss ’em us, MR. PUNCH’S NON POSSUMUS. (Being a respectful Comment on the Pore’s Encyclical and its Appendiz.) Dear Porg, you warn us not to tread Bolt dogmas whole which we ve been taught Are snares to those who heed ’em: Renounce the faiths we ’ve learnt to view In your own style, we can but ‘plead That Nature is the Devils book, possumus—non possum The Bible not much better, = “~ Tf put into the Leo s hands You bid us ere b aos oe ‘o read after the letter— To dictate Non possumus ! Although it lay doen black i is s white, And sense condemn as nonsense ; That lay-law cannot clerics bind ; Bid us believe Kho pee y me rane could thi Pe urch retain her Lik dc oo oa Poe d wal ie i aa aren + a wo @ gainer : “Hs Tore tan science wiser— That getting rid of temporals Non possumus / Would harm Church in eternals ; That layman’s work’s to crack the nuts, Tid we the exeat te Le gm ledge ; Coaernse ot ym reel urch makes know. ; om possumus ardinal virtues to di Summed in the Sacred College : Swallow the legendary lore Forswear the right to teach our babes, e Bollandists have gathered ; Save under dominion, The miracles that La Salette And from salvation all exclude And Tivoli have fathered, But those your pinion— Of Virgins that can tear their hair, Non possumus / Their ho holy eyelids blink, too, You ask us to accept for truth When Church with State at odds is, That State’s decree must Satan’s be, Church’s as surely God’s is That liberty to think and speak Reason and read’s pernicious ; That Progress i is an evil dream That monks and nuns are useful folks In this our generation, That kings who bid drones work or starve, Earn excommunicat Lib’ralism vicious— Non possumus !

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~ cE —_ a 7 LZ s Zs iTIN€G GVW SAdOd WHL ‘9981 ‘, ABVONV(—THVAINVHO NOGNOT FHL YO ‘HONDd

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ns ROSEN,

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>: January 7, 1865.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVARL And Saints that faithful ss Have stooped to tip the wink to— Non possumus ! Tn shart, there’s but one article Of all the a fourscore That creed you well may ae in proof Of your infallibility— Since the reverse you once upheld With all your small ability. While heretics all blessed At whose sound now they re ron” Oh!” And Roman men cried “ Pio” Who since can but ery “ None 7” If I must choose—truth on this side, On that your cyclic stemma— Tay ee Newz fo Fogel bel gore what Se tinge’ ofitya | cherished ~ a ea: A PROCLAMATION. @Ahereas, it appears to us that certain persons, objects, and things, part of tthe stock stodeintra of um pee literary chapmen, are used up, exhaus and hackneyed, and may without aot way tom tone detriment, or = ee be pay nang from public circulation, | consigned to an honourable limbo : ‘Nots, therefore, Know all pe, whom these #Presents may concern, that from and after the publication of this our current number, it shall not be lawful for any journalist, ist, magazine-writer, penny-a-liner, poetaster, criticaster, public speaker, lecturer, Lord Rector, ember*of Parliament, novelist, or dramatist, to make use of, employ, or introduce in any eras review, periodical, poem, play ‘(original or translated), speech, lecture, address, or any po written or oral for public edification, htenment, amusement, or instruction, the several persons, creatures, on things mentioned, specified, and enumerated in the Schedule here- unto ann Given at our Court in Fleet Street, in the twenty-fourth year of our reign. PUNCR. REMARKS, SCHEDULE. MacavLay’s The Lory of this veteran is indispensable. He |; —_ *F- can no longer be suffered to impede the treflic over London Bridge. Much his own country. May return wher London is in ruins, Having been in active service since the days of Mx. CANNING, may now resume his original part of the Man at the Wheel. Hes caused constant disappointment a ae airing not arriving when he was expected, especially by the composition, intended The NeedyKnife- grinder. The Coming Man. SHakesreare and Beane No objection to W. 8., except as a performer in a duet with the musical glasses, which hove long ceased to be the novelty they were in O. GotpsmiTH’s time, when the town rang with them. The Bisnor or Herzrorp will be country cousin. A presentation to a asylum should be obtained for the mute. me anes receive his and return to his own ig ny omit ill be moved to apply to the Imperial Law fficers to issue a writ ne emeat regno. In any future novel or work of fiction, if it shall be found necessary to introduce a lady’ s-maid, it is parti- cularly requested that she may bear some other mame than that of Parker, Likewise, in any forthcoming | the - drame or drama, if « merchant villain is essential to the | um is 8 would an agreeable | two radia not rey oa bim CRAWwLer. The rowenta ong of Enmonp’s (late Wogsvare's) geal Carden Palace, Sydenham dens ‘red be glad. to have the, British lion With Feng = to the Dodo, it is substitute Bastard, asa bird Moa the Great Auk, or the Wolf there Of lites be den, Zeutest Sot a from the door. The Britigh Tiion. The black in Dodo, Ducks and Drakes.—(N.B, The Phomix, its Village Hamp- DEN. Mute in- glad to see his glorious Minton. eaf and dumb wanted at the present time in | can be considered Sn ae Shey peered. pail efi ny ty » | Apples of Sea — Strictly forbidden fruit. Desa Sen applen segs ae om oe people are al- pes of running The thin edge of Ce anon “ Wedgwood.” *Ware! writers. pa To be wound up and shelved. Writers in newspa) of the turf. are not to indulge in Ribbonism, when the Derby Tenth ee yee Board of Works are recommended to a to Rog for leave - abolish this ob- a so 5 Couleur de rose. much faded. All the gloss long since worn off. The Tie Acedenny, the Chemical Society, and Mapame RACHEL appointed a Commission to select a substitute. Antecedents” These and a thousand more such stale crumbs may a ewest away to edven . Many a r la ae: Bg dootor would be for some a rat ba i. ww taood” opinions.” “ A ree “ My attention has been drawn,” &c. “Let laws and cilia Ghe-coupe st tone Lage comm Maummne deta learning,” 4c, ted the Buckhounds, Constable of the gmat Pepmpnt ny Spink, eee = spl fh pro be a peay of the perusal of whole of uf his oan works, , “ Knowledge is This bit of Bacon is qui bp reenty, be having been served Power.” up to every Mechanics’ Institute in the three Kingdoms. “ But one half- The hued mag bo gem given to the poor, The sack oom pony Hd have e sack ven 1 This is a good orpa fo this in. distributing “ ‘fakes and ale.” time alee for —" Quotations from Q. H. F. not absolutely prohibited; but members of the works of both Houses of Parliament are requested to be sparing GuaMMATIOUS in their quotations, and to give as much freshness to Quintus Hora- them as TIos Fiaccus. Tastee « Speech was nk &e.) RAND, and the observations of the late Grorce Brummett, eq. Sool te tome was ‘Local museums might be glad to have these curiosities. The atraw Yat shows which way ¢ the win wind blows. wats, feather that broke the camel's back. ay 4? amber. cued, yo 3 stone that _ birds, birds themselves “iasartment, of sdged tools, pruning knife Sd the irds tomnaven (aed A of old *‘ save, Notes and Queries. Oatling Names. Can oy a our readers fee on & * Peoxen ” Note: the Jeth Deer inemeny birds, the ane vm EE i Dory.

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a 10 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 7, 1866. A TEMPERANCE NEW YEAR’S EVE. (BY A MEMBER OF A MUTUAL IMPROVEMENT SOCIETY.) “ mate cheer though we had no beer, o brandy, rum, or gin ; And we drauk shout the old year out, And we drank the new year in : The fine Souchong, and the Hyson strong, We mixed with the black Bohea ; And the. coffee-pot came hot and hot : So merry we would be! : We were not afraid of the lemonade, Let cork no bottle s But the seltzer drew, while the soda flew, Also the ginger-pop. There was no heavy wet, but there was sherbet, There was likewise eax * And capillaire for the ladies fair, On the Eve of New Year’s Day. Oh! we were all right on that festive night, Drank toasts in Adam’s Ale And we did recite tlie poem light, And we read the instructive tale ; d if it had been the Summer, I ween, Instead of this time of year, We should not Have gone home till morning had come, And the daylight did appear. Explosion at_Rome. Tr is our painful dug to record a terrific explosion which has just occurred at the Vatican. This accident arose from want of caution 7on the part of the Pors and the College of Cardinals in a pejecting a fulmi- nating composition which they been some time engaged in preparing for the demolition of all modern ideas. Almost before the destructive mixture had left their hands, it blew up with a noise which was heard all over Europe, and morally brought the venerable edifice in which they were assembled about their ears. SEASONABLE, Wasn’r rr Opp, THa? WHEN CapTarx BLANK WAS STAYING aT OLD Goxpust’s| A Servant, to whom money is an object, during the Country House THis CanisTmas, He and ONE OF THE GIRLS SHOULD ACTUALLY FIND| present winter offers (unbeknown) to fet out his SOME “MistLETOR GROWING ON ONE OF THE TREES? We BELieve Caprain B, (wiTH| master’s study fire by the hour. For terms apply to the via. HIS USUAL PRESENCE OF MIND) MADE HIMSELF MasTER oF THE SiTUATION. Pantry, HOW THEY DO IT. Tr is always interesting to theatre-goers, but especially at this time of year, to know through what processes, behind Ye poccumnd the Operas, Pantomimes, Burlesques, and Extravaganzas, are obliged to pass, before “— are ready for production. t is the popular notion that plays generally are “dashed off” by the Author in his s moments, or in his comfortable after-dinner leisure, over a cigar and a cup of coffee. The public is right, as usual. The a in the case of an opera are on this wise ; The ager writes to the Composer thus :— “Dear O’Quaven,—Write me an opera. I will give you seven thousand seven hundred and eighteen pounds six shillings and five- pence halfpenny for it. Yours truly. Bozvus.” The Composer answers :— “ Dear Bosus.—Make it up to the sixpence, and I’m yours ever. pa *O’QuAVER.” Manager agrees to this advance upon the original terms, and O’Quaver sets to work. I the Sec Sule ae eeeee heo-tp slette ener th e first plac mposer whistle over the ‘entire opera to the Manager, if he has got mo for music ; if not, the whislieg is merely a matter of form, and often consists of several repetitions of d ritannia,” with which the Manager is as much delighted as with the most varied novelties, The Composer’s next business is to hum the songs, concerted pieces, and such like, to the singers, repeating the same with imitations of the accompaniments, to the orchestra. The piano or violin is never used in conveying these first impressions, as it is highly desirable that all instruc- tion should actually come from the Composer’s own mouth. It is well known in musical circles how difficult it was for even Signor Mario to acquire, in this manner, the music of “Les Huguenots.” SiGNoR Costa’s oratorio, “ Hii,’ was got up in this fasbion. It is almost a ainful sight to see the gifted Composer, whoever he may be, sitting or hours on a high stool patiently whistling over his choice melodies to the attentive, but occasionally dull, musicians. The parts for the drum and cymbals are left to the inspiration of the moment; the sheets of pees in the orchestra being merely dummies to deceive the public. The method of getting up a Burlesque, Extravaganza, or Pantomime differs according to the theatre where it is weege The piece itself is scribbled, off-hand, on bits of waste paper, backs of old envelopes, and the like. Sometimes the greater part of the MS. is written on shaving paper during the Author’s toilette. The Prompter arranges these slips, and the parts for the different actors are improved, added to, and touched up with songs during a rehearsal. In some theatres the Manager or actor pte a line in here and th or the Manager’s friends drop in and kindly give a few hints an suggestions with which the Author has nothing whatever to do. Low comedians fling in their songs wherever they like ; ballet dancers intro- duce their steps at pleasure; and thus, with each individual work for the general good, the piece produced must meet with deci success. In other theatres, the Author, becoming suddenly inspired, summons all the company into the green room, and there delivers orally the entire Extravaganza, which they take down, as best they in short or long hand in their note-books. This is the flash of genius. Now, when you any piece of the kind above mentioned, remember these things apes ¢ feces | | Lu ee ee ee 1 hy

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January 7, 1865.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. TO LOVERS. JULIA AND JaCK BEING NOW MarRnIzED—NO CaRDs—BEG TO INFORM ALL WHOM IT MAY CONCERN THAT THE ABOVE WAS FOUND TO BE A VERY EFFICIENT WAY OF DESTROYING ALL TRACE OF FooTstzErs IN THE Snow. WHO IS WHERE AND WHAT? _ Kann people are continually sending Mr. Punch nice little presents, in their gratitude for the delightful amusement he affords them; and in this way he has received, in the course of his long service, many valu- able additions to his library and larder. Thankfulness for his exertions is expressed in various forms—from a volume of new poems to a sack of new potatoes ; and both the bodily and mental food which is thus given him is appreciated duly by the members of his household as well as by himself. One of the prettiest little gifts which reaches him at Christmas is the Post Office London Directory for the ensuing year; a work which is so useful as a book of daily reference, that every business man should always keep it reg in his waistcoat pocket, providing that receptacle be big enough to hold it. The volume called Who’s Who is a serviceable book to Snobs who do not visit much with the nobility, and whose social education has so shockingly been neglected that, in speaking of an earl, they can mistake him for a marquis, or can imagine a mere baronet the first son of a duke. Of course, to Mr. Punch, whose splendid powers of memory have been ex ye cultivated, such heinous misdemeanours are utterly impos- sible: indeed he has the Peerage word for word by heart, and knows the ‘a -y and title and the motto and the age of all the nobles in the land. But though he knows quite well Who’s Who that he meets daily in high life, Mr. Punch finds it most difficult to remember in the lower orders Who is Where and What. This useful information the Directory affords him, and it saves him from mistaking Mr. Smrrx the surgeon, for Mr. SmitH the shoemaker, and helps him to find the shop of Brown the butcher, or of Mz. Brown the baker, whenever their attendants omit calling at his house. _ A book that weighs about a stone can pe! be regarded as belong- ing to light literature ; and the Directory on this account is just one of those works which es are glad to lay down again when you are forced to take them up. ut the Directory is really a most useful publication ; though, if London keeps increasing as of late years it has done, one trembles to consider what a size the book will be a century or so hence. Probably a crane will be required then to hoist it from one’s bookshelf, or one may have to build an extra story to one’s house to hold it. This, however, is a matter for posterity to deal with. For the present it suffices that the Post Office Directory is really vastly handy notwith- standing its stone weight ; and the matter it contains is not at all more heavy reading then one fairly may expect in such a Bantine of a book. The Pope’s Prize Bull. By a telegram from the Eternal City we are informed that :— “The Pore has issued a Bull condemning all moral, religious, and political errors having a tendency hostile to the Catholic Church.” This Bull is not tied by the tail. It has a long tether and an exten- sive range, if, indeed, it is tied at all. If all the conclusions of philo- sophy, science, and statesmanship are red as crockeries, the last great Bull, let loose among them by his Holiness, may be pictured as the Porr’s Bull in a China-Shop. “THE RANK WEED.” Tx only apology Mr. Punch can find for the ex-tailor who acts as patron of the Anti-Tobacco Gang, is that probes being an honest, if a silly, ex-tailor, he has an aversion to Cabbage. British cigar-v will accept this intimation. DISTINGUISHED CONVERT TO ROMANISM. False Report.—Mr. Punch distinctly and emphatically to d that he has been received into the Roman Communion, and re-bapt: as Punch @ la Romaine. Tar Last Noverty mw Amorovs-1s.—One of our most eminent oculists has just performed a successful operation on a gentleman who had a lady in his eye.

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> te - 13 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 7, 1865, te Se SEASONABLE STATISTICS. yea, tom reat 9 than on any previous . ” F course, dear Mr this year will be sti brisker. The to the me- fe ree FARR. eveanedt igre aie a ifs plates pa has for wildfowl, which he likes almost Aa// raw, and I can never touch, and gra-| W cious me where was I? O yes, hand immense supply of mistletoe, which was forwarded to Liverpool, towns. It reg Maas ascertain: forwarded to foreign countries, besides many * } tropolitan markét from the home counties is very large.” statements supposing Sgtedod| colar natat'r i cotta it oie the Fimes. But some nf Bi 42 Te g a url ili ar . Hips ti actu. but some of who aly drunk i, blo have not else yh to_set about I’d done my hair | collecting on the subject. This would and onmne fate the be much more fun, I than collecting crests brealat sete, for | and ci and old spoilt stamps. is fe af such a| _ Hoping yy py | be Be ah attention by onr soeial statisticians (isn’ with one’s cold the word, Sir, and am not I a clever rs after girl to it ?), has had one’s bath, Believe me, yours devotedly (until I’m some and those ivory-| One else’s); SeraPaina SuMPER. P.S. Just as I expected. Cousin CHARLEY , and they | 4as come in, for fear of a mistake, I have really ought tohave | shown him what I’ve written, and the wretch hot water in them | has on to me that twenty kisses actually somehow, like the|may be given with one berry, only fancy that / e are now going to see how much a berry ing pa his cup of tea, and there, no, not in the ¢ea-cup,| weighs, and then, if we can, to calculate how you great stupid, butin the Zimes newspaper I happened to see this :— “‘ Tae TRaDE tx MisTLETOE.—During the month of December last year the county of Hereford produced an chester, and many of the adjoining ed that about 20 tons were sent from Hereford, 15 from minster, 6 from Ludlow, 15 from Ross, and al ther above 80 tons from other localities. my 3 tons were of the holly bush. The price paid for the m many hundred million there must be in a ton. Ledbury, 12 from Leo- Tue Pre-Apamite Periop.—Lizard Point to tletoe was | the Isle of Man. , A TREAT FOR SWELLS. We are accustomed to hear a great deal of the example which the higher orders might set the lower; but let the former know that there is abundant room for them to imitate examples afforded by the latter. Let a bloated and proud aristocracy peruse and profit by the interest- ing ngage which follows, extracted from the Hampshire Inde- a Fn c ** SHANKLIN.—TREAT TO THE Navvies.—An entertainment to the men employed on the Isle of Wight Railway was given in the National School-rooms, which were decorated for the occasion. Among various devices the most striking was that of * Welcome, Brothers,’ which met the eye immediately on entering the rooms. It was a novel sight to see upwards of two hundred stalwart fellows regaled with tea and plum-cake, and to hear them sing the well-known hymn, ‘Just as I am,’ &c. As soon as the tables were cl the Rev. G. W. Soursoussg, after a brief and appropriate speech, introduced Mr. Wats, the indef ble missionary, who made some interesting and practical remarks, and was followed by the Rev. J. G. Grecory, Rector of Bonchurch. At the close of his address, the Chairman gave out the hymn.... After many hearty cheers for the ladies and friends who had so kindly contributed to the treat, the company dispersed, highly delighted with their entertainment.” It cotialy must have been a novel sight to see a gang of navvies, two hundred strong, “regaled with tea and plum cake,” because we are accustomed to see the ‘navvies regale themselves with bread-and-cheese and beer. Equally novel was the sight of those British Anakim e in singing the hymn, “ Just as I am,’’ because, when they have nothing better to do, we generally see them smokin short pipes; and they seldom sing anything of a more devotio nature than “ Cheer, Boys, Cheer.” _ But how much more novel a sight it would be to see a set of officers in the Guards, for instance, regaled with tea and plum-cake, instead of champagne and claret and master-pieces of French culinary science ! What a still greater novelty would it be to hear such a chorus of ant gentlemen obliging an assembly of smiling and sympathetic holders with “Just as we are!” Why should not the Rev. Mr, Bgi1ew, or some equally competent clergyman, attend on the occasion of a “Treat to the Swells,” and deliver a brief, or rather a loamy, ond appropriate speech, introducing the indefatigable missionary, Mr. Punch, who might make some remarks which would be most highly interesting and particularly practical? Many and hearty, no doubt, would be the cheers that would be given both to the ladies and gentlemen who had contributed to, and to those who had partaken of so real a treat as that, and the —w would surely disperse highly delighted with their entertain- ment. Why should there not be an exhibition of officers of a crack regi- ment, as well as navvies, humbling themselves like little children under the tutelage of clergymen? If it is not derogatory to the manhood of navvies to be re on plum-cake and tea, and to sing hymns, can it be degrading to that of officers and gentlemen ? ALLEGED HIGH TREASON AT STOCKBRIDGE. Vinpicatine the destruction of wood-pigeons, as birds really mis- chievous to the farmer, a Scotch gentleman from East Lothian thus writes to the Times :— ** I see in the Field, with horror and di that there is a club of fishers at Stockbridge who have declared war tt kingfishers, and have, during last summer, murdered 84 of those rare and beautiful birds.” . If a true bill shall be returned against any parties at Stockbridge who may be charged with the murder of kingflebore, they will deserve to be tried for that crime at the next Winchester Assizes, and, if convicted, to be hanged, and more than hanged. For fishers to kill kingfishers is worse than murder, it is obviously high treason, and the caitiffs who are guilty of it ought, by a revival of the old law for that chief of offences, to be hanged, drawn, and quartered. A MANX RIDDLE, Wuar place would be best suited for the banishment of an unhappy grumbler ? The Isle of Mona. ’ oe

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PUNCH. OR THE Ix | Sasoame 14, 1885.) % to Bloter’s Hotel, Orackville Street, 7" LMM LLTIT HIM Ms ZA lpg cs3 CUAZZZL VERY SHABBY. Rival. “Tumnzg, rw rou pon’r Give g : ; : ? ' 3 TURNER, uss I saw rou Kuss CuaRizr Room.” legible characters than those in which they have so written cakes to the ity. It is, no in Ps. doubt, manufacture that softest batch of Shrewsbury cakes have a local et aute borough. SOMETHING NEW ABOUT DONATO! known that Don. the dancer, mame, tad with tee caer ie end of his not One is at his graceful i J rf a aa Bi | : i a s a LINCOLN TO HIS ARMY. Own noble soldi Cane att te ee AN AMERICANISM FOR ITALY. Srrvarion of the Porz.—Non Possum-us up a gum-tree. THE SOLONS OF SHREWSBURY. of type’s exemplary month, bury i at Shrews own the calibre of the Shrews y means of itted him—b roto last and the Solons enian p bury, a mock warrant th great Aj case of more notorious ; ifthep hare aot reakees thet p pepompedie ae iom heard than a, oe £9, and other articles. How the Magistrates behaved, must be stated in Mz. Ashwortn’s viel purse, containing jit *9aaas 1 a At weit a eel themselves § Clerk), f offered bail ees a toany oun por oven id ©xpiration of any comment of his. It would placed me in such ept in custody till the > 48, no prosecutor appeared. I was ki ascertain from the regained my liberty, no force to this by i painting the lily to write down these gentlemen A.S.8.E.S. per Mr. Punch indeed be Ha

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aE ILS RAEN PWN Ny cm I a AR A, AT

M4 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL.

<==

LONGLAY A PARRY.“ eect rag ; Ke tute les

BALLARD.

** Ay tl tse reed me Le long dew Bullyvardy. Mande ae earrcc Aves une petty tube de py

tty May tutes etay decory. le Pranks Ampayrial, pair, ay tute s& sweeter, Assee sewer une bong petty cheval Kee n’ally par tré veeter. Kong pain, s’offrit & may ziew Croisong de l’oter coty, : U , une mair, une belle june feel, may compatrioty. LA mair ava blongs chevew, L& pheel, a ma dory ; Le pair n’ong avvy pardertoo, Ay parissay Le pair portay song pairaplwee, La mair say jewpongs porty : a — ne porty avait ung escorty. Car, plang d’amoor, a cdty d’elle FEtait ung ate O, hang it! what’s the French for “swell ?” And what’s the rhyme for “‘angy ?”’ a px ayma y lwee; ) parissay s’adory ! O fortenatos simian, ‘Si sua bona néri(ut) | Hay bi cette coople amoroo, Bm temen : y,

e cette grond diarble.

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the An Anti-Spice Socicty,established on the principle that ginger shall not ale Hi of the Gictae room Bo founty and | ai _ kd ket eek Wend a ake eee tee jaunty, and an appro 0 su an entry, see that the stage arrangement is tered oo on to allaiit of fk Jon Ti atinguished Ly come into a room with your hat on, and keep it on, till can an opportunity of putting it down somewhere. You may 0 Nove. is to be added to the gr “— Anti-Butter Society Me 3 a me or n ; [ An Anti-Cheese Soeicty. Bear and She to the perenaees of An Anti-Seap-and- Society. a in the e of the Public. —S ee —— ——— MB. PUNCH’S HANDY-BOOK OF THE STAGE. | maids; chuck thon under the chin, call them “my dears ins Hm, were done in those livelier times, when our standard of stage manners CHAP. VI—THE LIGHT COMEDIAN, was settled. No doubt these manners were 0 taken from real Tus Actor who embarks in this line of business will, of course, bear | life, and be : ital Ayo after in mind, that though his usual characters will be the Fops and Swells | dying out in . This is the very best reason for your sticking tothem. of the past and present, he is not to consider himself bound to study back the actual manners of that class of persons in real life. To require this would be, to restrict this line of business to persons and will ve by | like education themselves be to that class, or monotony 0 z emphasis, or pause for| Let can cover in a given time. “ in estimation: emphasis, character, emotion, | walking, or > a to mix up things so to correct his mistake td An so many points, the of SHaxsreane has been faster than walking, is not * sealctio” and looks gut, suiechioveus to the Drecostist tad injurious to the Actor, by its apparcat i You cannot bo expetod always to preserve " buoyancy ” of feeling F at every tle art of voice, mb and manner which lool ht, these of incongruities. in your is of this, by choosing a bust, or some other comical rest | ners of real life—once said to o> in There is nothing more embarrassing than a hat held | light comedian i Never pause to salute ladies, or the gentlemen who may be in the should have: and a Tt takes time and looks ceremonious. cataract.” So well did he understand the true laws of light comedy iar in your manner with soubrettes and waiting-| costume, manner. contact with it. Slap your friends on the shoulder, : and, if i. intolerable. We should/| elderly persons in the ribs, These are insupportable eae a former state of manners, which is so often complained of in real life. Instead of] the matrix of stage-tradition, as this, the tradition of the stage per for us a volatile, brisk, | the lias and oolite of the geologist. The stage the actual Swell of this or any period, as cham-| accretion of fossilised manners; and it is your pagne is unlike small beer. Zaee Sen See comocion ann She Chemengne records of extinct by as reverently as Prorgsson Always at ood ire the art of running words pee bam oie a ; uire the 0 ' ofthe tongue Sctinetly, mibont oa ton, ? pause for] ct our dress be as light and as loud as possible. Wear whi lightness of your comedy depen: mainly on the quantity in p i i i Pace” must, therefore, | sions. Never mind, whether you are out of your range, and should be avoided. Indeed | dressing-room ; you will do well never to allow any fnaling whenever te 60 introduced | first law. Fi yt Se coh amt phe If it # there, make as little of it | should always be worn. i eats Eat enceit peta macht be i ord the ane ares ee re ety -room. co may rn ey r = Ariat mel far pprnchng' to tho Yaary* sad over the best, tem mf hvng now dampened rom elie, the great recommendation Ken| Mitsrws, wha, 1 HI olf F ce is z uty to FF slate, or an Elephant’s tusk F A to black. a | | i o ! ing dress. Tis baer sen ee aeaien the same reason, lavender or straw-coloured | F i 1H 3 f f z pie, aeniinn Os pret ho, I grieve

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Jawvany 14, 1865, en QO) OK " AN ‘OMAN \ \ Ne Leal \ AN \ Wi \: SN SS ~ . - POOR LETTER H. yen Poe eaten etn 56 antl age madi: Aygo gpm “ Now, LOOK 'EAE, you Two H's! THE PUBLIC DON’T WANT YER—NOR J Don’t, NOR Nosopy ®; 80 sist Drop THEM BoaRDs, AND THEN ’OOK IT!” ws So replied C. L. Napotzon unto Europe’s fairest Queen ; THE BULL-FIGHTER OF FRANCE. How she answered needs not gion ays where, Al as il e ' rons Oxasias Love Tarp Naroxzoy to his lady standing by, on Be Fee Europe cheered 2 fi Se pe tee y swan-neck in anger, dash the th teardrop fom thing ere Toby wished he were a bull-dog, and his Master cried Hooray ! | a ae s Sree Sem ons bel ES 0 a SGA i sa oe A GOOD WORD FOR A:GOOD WORK. * Thou ve gazing down u e eC, Gazing where the bull and cha bleed a eats forfeit ie, lt Se oe Punch maak, aes bend work in pre Aad hs cinelnioiech enn T eden he Pt 4 ammesmest, and in the hours of laiare. This Mr. Punch most likes to son, Recess, & shawn. Sin, (as the worker is not overworked in his *, Vauntful of his Searlet Lady, that old humbug dares business avocations, but has both brain and muscle ae weheves Hf France in choosing from the Roman . | extra labour he may happen to delight im. mn A admires Sea ij Kings are things of righ ee ay SW he. the Homer of his noble hep Lome Erie ® fected in the . be This to me, esen=he shall shiver in his shoes. mee ot OL gy, Sage oie ih ae mi have ne Sone lane Hi profitably used. been “ launched against me— | shown with great success in ve f eh icone ibitions which have Tn is beckboure Leuttaaes taliesedion tate recently been held in both the South and North of London, and Mr. ai He has bid the Bishops thunder—and I answer with the law— Punch is Gia fo see tnt fiber specimens ee promised public fal , | I will clap the sternest stopper on each Prelate’s saintly jaw. exhibition in both the East and West. When it is known that these i ve Mr. Punch’s thorough cuattion, ant Saas sane: i “ This he dares to call an Error—this he gives the Church’s ban, bation, of course there will not be a shade of fear lest, they L * That the ri nPiacroane eens ee Every one will take a pride in helping that which Mr. Punch considers Backed the old Bk, scoeniag Se Caines be bale, Seem on vealiy ttisensis GI belo Indus Se at the West 80 ona es | “ee ci veer End will oontribute to them with as much seal as the hardest of the ; , rather deck m workers East. i, Be sit at ot nd Frc . bad He’d thee dearer far to thee life— Lex Talionis. : If The ne aa Yacellorameached Omenert hess hie wide? oy “ Therefore give thy Kise and in the dust his Bll shall rol, let of legal receding pon gaenode ie ole tee ae ve. ve o 0 5 ben On the crimson ¢ rrond of justin ¢ soul : ¢ teal pecoeocings t his dancing was against the law. ‘ What ae While I keep the ° Holy pales psteceg oat | a ee eee “What law?” os ae te “why the Legs He shall keep a civil tongue, love, in his old bat £ head.” Taglion# s, of course.”

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ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Jancany 14, 1865. fz = =) Pp S == E IL ea! | eS oO~4 | THE IMPERIAL BULL-FIGHTER. L. Nap. “YOU ARE FOND OF BULL-FIGHTING, MY EUGENIE. YOU SHALL SEE ME GIVE OUR PAPAL FRIEND YONDER THE COUP DE GRACE”

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; nee PMO Saeed eee La ae ey a kal nadtonementte

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: 4 TTT id cet Ped bke | bce et ry) ee ee Cee Ta aaa ca firs i. 4 cro: gilts : ' i g2a28 ot eit TU Pore ; Per me es ; 4 aati pets F | sat 7 z ; ’ * » | pe 3g @ of uae a . he * 5 ’. i HG OP aE M ie suihuaciiinnl 4 RRS ne 3 aey | 7 g2sngede™ |aee72 gs - anh nrg Et a $e s _ asked con Ny did ut I t w. his P to read LGBBSNG ern net titead who with her husband are fellow- her husband this morni g P co £ as ous I more playbills, and see n tters stl oye = iT t ne oe Tn 5 do anage ladi entry and the Gov youn rdshi d, and y e Th » ani “forgo when I fell Curren not to see th ges +e a EREND f) t if y hai words bolster on so udder, m ow "s cler' and did Dp. t such subtle craft? Has called, t it proved. rning, insisted on ir, but there wasa or to lock if ern mg room when all evidence ht, but w! be went to the omnib His Lo he . “Aret h mised to p is girl makes me s ie ht.—A letter for Mus. Sarum, -comman: was this P cathe shed b Miss K: P d with § g to mi ut m sel sensations of which his companion in ray: ‘ dec h Would not talk. I will try to test t it serve with me; but at breakfast. { He committed some crime? He has refused to hole looks d and even made fun of so is it natural to as matrimon power of ive him a cheque for ere now, to leave. I wish I had tied a nearly 3. to. me when I have . Read till 23 BKEKLIVXBITT tears. ASPHODEL can bev: ‘ters Such were m shoul until prevent the crime fro EL, the Governor. told the Gov our stro and aa xq oh a IN a re, 5 iS = He was doubtless eager thus i t I know women too well. She told AsPHop the dail ited with he was much admired -b details of a la lurid light 7 5) A Pp mp ond sate umed—; ast chatted gaily with her not return and fo and and told him to mind his own b him off the scent—that assumption of OF FICTION. t happiness. The Rev. ernor to gi his bankers are in the next street but two. he of ight—is he thi the a letter, which he locked wu to be called for, like other le’ Reading as usual till —Called to-day, in Half Moon Street. settlement to i out in socket. No harm Gave Ame a shillin neat: Frnt She crime could | me; I must look at the to see were of a kind to act u seeing him. Wh venta has way coarse burnt me this sot fe Srricemes called. "Gover wed— her 1 not return.” ‘and Mrs. at them in cron @ CN Lert meee. tea e ad nal | Ie 25 RLEG > ee P22 This idle excuse did not ve me his. she have been to-day ‘were be as the formed fo look was most attenti' t of so awful a rtnigh nothing, mind Ws . My friend id heart kno grave master. confirmed reader of Novels, and nothing else. THE VICTIM Being passages from the Diary of a young Gentleman in the Law, who is a ht. Now the Governor’s ve me instructions to draw a certain Probably not bear to very marriage Nigi ere, fo not there. a ith Ef i inlie our law terms. This must be ass: one else’s ever had part ina murder? I-will region of very of wi Sonya to W Night. erat a a" aed : fiistiats HH TAGECe

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z E iB gik gyal ie CPEs vines 22 Bees 1 i Gee al. By id ita teal, sae 1 # ay Lied saa ite ae poe adele Fietteb 2a Hite iat fee devi GEE ve ae Ha Hae at etl ah | BL il at sees ae aa! BPP? PREP BS S) 2 Bleie anuey ate! i : tiga Bild: 41 S| * a f i 21H x i] ay 3 At nt "| gg pee Sit ee Veg ihe e| ite} ee 128 ae i 3 & ‘. a 3: 2 reer S| fe=2 es 6] 6 a 2543 g| alll presi a fall ahi ell E a Baie 4 i . fii a ae fal: E i : 4 aia tn i 1) eee: alt!

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ADVERTISING ATROCITIES. we wonder, will the mania for adverti stop? What next be tried in puffery and pos eran oe ine Motel we hang out our iy sof on set outer walls, and ter | our omnibuses, Our railway about the near age about 25, aid OVERNESS WARTED, town, birth, Gor ples, Church of England, ty a 2 d music, and to teach t them order of It is desired that the lady should be active and cheerful, a tag prea me pat ery I at —— Street, St. James's, ns hn ng Fa should be, if ladies by birth, of refined has principles, le to teach four children good English, correct of “order and discipline “—are so plen- tiful that they can be had for a year! When this modest advertiser was about it, why did he not throw in, among his conditions, German, painting in oil and water. the rudiments of Latin, arith- setie ands algebra, the first six book facia, and the use of the Globes? But he is quite right in the cations of cheerfulness and contentment, even without additions to his very moderate pea ape © 3 The who such a situation ought to be not cheerful under circumstances to which the worst of Mark Tapley’s were child’s play. | but contented with treatment which might rouse the pefience of a saint. There is ouly one set-off—she would have the prospect of “ living caso in her own rooms.” This must be a decided comfort in ‘i the insolent pena bro who could put outa out such an advertisement, to Monday,” is an way of ecu th oh of 5 3 lady’s maintenance on the = aw! to be Femnded of our dy to do uato cies name would PUNCH, OR THE LO . Buch offences should be nore er 8 punished by |

making | hey dx particularise, is. the error, as ie, T ha “tur le avoided. Pi he y ouctie want a few days’ shooting, drop a line to me. Triggerham Priory. Yours, according to CockER, ANNOTATED RETURNS. Official Return of Game shot, at Triggerham Priory Es during the ist Sow dare, | weheges Fade ten guns out; pes fmyen Ag clearer, = should say ten with five breech-loaders a-piece, as the proprietor of objected to their carrying any more than that number :— Partridges cig ene, were 90 Gharonghly killed, that the Keepers could Pheasants ‘Note.—This number was sworn to after dinner’ tlemen. It was rather dark when they were VARIOUS. eet by @ Short-sighted Gentlenan,—Looked like birds in the J . ~ e . + . - . . . . (including, perhaps, some Jenny Wrens, but nobody knew.) Nuthatches . é inninaatiea nadine * . . (One a Hen) . * . oe (By mistake—near the‘Farm.) ‘ gen: accident, qhose birds ‘nad been turned out on owner valued them at five guineas pi pe tp pe a An Tom-Tits N.B : ne See tee * Served ‘em tight. got in the way.) - ne A So, en a evening, making a deuce of a row. oa08 ‘ ler tie Pawn number orginally to 30 12 ly P.8. ec oe nl oh epee Naat two hundred and twenty-three

er in the way on a day when we are others do unto us. fifteen omitted something.—Yours,

—

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NT

ane haa wah am, > St. Pancridge’s Place, 1865. Bumszz. P.8. You’ll take note this here is from me, Bumsiz the Tale, sae not Mra. Bumsxz, as you would hinfer from the creme letter in the ip. Still lower down in the same col goin you ’ll find these words :— um as the fore- * _ suitable text for this festive SincuLaR ComcrpEnce. Sn i. er Like prechin like practis. *Tis werry werry sad to see sitch hun- porochial principals seorvdaak at Southampton !

The Encyclical Letter. December 8th, 1864. i * Te Roman Church,” the Popes would neatly say, “Is Peren’s bark :” but we say something neater ; Henceforth the Letter, writ the other day By the Nuvra Pros, is the Bark of Persr.

“ BXTRA-ORDINARY REMEDY.” How to make your Hair grow.—Get up early in the morning and gently scrape your skin with a boot-jack.

Horr to Scutrrors.—A Lamb giving way to its feelings in a plaintive exy would be an exesliont suliess tix a dipeooiek

ie. —

Printed Williem Bradbury. of No. U Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. im the County of Miadlesex, and Frederick Mullett of No. Bouverie 81 in ot ape Sara Fs, Sess Sesbere, Tease ihe Deieh ot St Femerey, io, tho Onzney of Miatonse. and Peoteteh Molete Rowe, <t ie: betas took oan ee of London.—Sarvapar, January 14, 18%.

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vineiadi Jasvary 21, 1865.) PUNCH, OR ‘THE LONDON” CHARIV. HMO Ay ATT sre Hart 1 TI i\ | i IN i WWE YU ZZ Noa . Y | : He TET Lae sac ei J Cee a ji yi NYS thi r ~~ ae ee —— = A RE-CONVERTED PERVERT. No. 2.—Taz Wonpzrrot Error snown. Ovr Curate THINKs THAT, ON THE WHOLE, THERE IS NOT MUCH IN SaRToRIAL No. 1.—Ovur CunaTs suDDENLY TAKES EXTREME VIEWS—AND THINKS HIS NEW STYLE OF DRESS WILL HAVE A WONDERFUL Errzocr. |. ——~ Pe ew in ne arcane = HH! | A o= 23 | \ re A BIRD IN THE HAT, To the Editor of Punch. A creat deal is said about the mission of Woman. In the opinion of the First Narotzox, Woman’s mission consists in dressing and decorating herself, and trying to make herself look as pretty as she can.-. This view has much in it that is undeniable, but it is not quite true. If it were, Woman would have no missi a GENE 0 SE when the attempt to look as better than venerable is unsu While, however, beauty lasts, it certainly is the mission of Woman to make the most of it. Fashionable novelties, therefore, which enhance the personal of young can reasonably be objected to by none but who have to pay for them without profiting by them; fathers who do not care about the looks of their daughters, or do not expect investment in their daughters’ wardrobe to pay by pro- curing sons-in-law to take those young ladies off their hands. thing is expensive, but how retty it is, how becoming! Let sur old Clown abana ts aad Gramiie o i-—we youth laugh at them. ¥ . What [ have to suggest i Ls Ren gig mye mdm ge kingfishers and tropical birds, should be for the adornment of haffinches, greenfinches, Pallfinchos ool ath water-wagtails, c Ww. d and golden-crested would cade well for that purpose, It jg Pe yom ny Con Sag oy rte me pee not per what I think you term a blonde. But I say why your dan aed yout domes mit themselves for ornaments of this description to the domain of onaitiology ? Why not travel farther afield into the animal kingdom? Rats and mice, small hedgehi toads and frogs, lizards and snakes, might be mounted ea the tat with great effect. Such creatures, if not pretty in themselves, if indeed, Zan cisely doula, beh agutiing unas tea teon of toh of an over eet andineh ihe enon atoietode i tor decanting em) vermin posse Se e-yeuns eee yee Say 2 see Seed ladies do, can whether their parents can or no for them, pave fi Kien gy fe ap mp mp beautiful ele Pamggnatengt Pocono Mpc Fm a pity, even if the kingfishers were all sacri @ consideration as the trimming of a hat. Deinotherium Club Sir, I am, &c., Sue rrunevs. Baonapartre pall has tren shot at elmouthe tie age this tue Mine dik 8a Is known case of the bi in wo have been shot, these islands. Trish va Fenian The two OF pany no doubt, pw me ag og ea my henge oy, on the 2nd of December, 1851. A Derivation. “ War is this new dye called Aniline, dear Mr. Punch?” a charming lady philosopher at a recent conversazione, “ It is a word derived anile, love,” Prorgssorn Pun VOL, XLVII,

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ae . an time. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jawoany 21, 1865, DOCK LEAVES. Hit BOeE epETEER; F838 gfee sbetl | aE é gaSHE afae eu Lbs. peculiar beer—very ‘orship—when some young samieaietee ike ths tose teams your Worship. “ Me. Sars. You were not obliged to ink the gin eee oy, we sees orship. “ DEFENDANT. IfI hadn’t drunk the gin I must have lost my beer. * Mr. Sutrs. Yes, I see—a case of necessi “ DEFENDANT. ie gd eee ie Tam gol to the workhouse. I will @ peculiar circums overcame me this time. iis. Sexae, Do you think I can take your word ? can. I'll not come out of the workhouse. you may keep your word. Don’t come Mr. Sztve is an admirable Magistrate, and the way he tackled the Oratorian, in | “ GREENWICH. See dae was now sued Tor bed shih — summoned him because he had married pol ager ty emis Be Your worship I'm no scholar, PR RRR eh why, because a man marries a widow that therefore he ought to pay debts @ woman's a ee (Laughter. teh x have Gumban and Pemeoes Oe SSreur wihts Lote teil” 0 oe Devrempant (shaking his head). I'm not so gure of them. (Renewed hier.) “Mr. Pacer. What do you ** The Prisoner said no pal a vinit to her brother amd tits wife yesterday at Pad- m,and proceeded there and back by — Railway, which had such an effect upon her that she became insensible. ™ “ Mx. Pacer. You were intoxicated. policemén's wif He has been twenty years in the force. Oh, a: Buonne Apes le Railway. apaiinidl This is the onan J yisicn of ores & street, reporter. urely a tame phrase for such shifty of kidnapped girl the other day, en- cence. We bam g think that her evidence w as Hamlet titles Spek wanda. Tho chore tage nies that pe e| ought to have said, astonish the ears of the Undergro Mr. allowance for Peculiar Circumstances, and as the circumstances will be Punch has travelled on the line (taking, of bape haw a third-class “ticket ery peculiar indeed under which Mr, Puach will stand in Mx. Szure’s, | and riding in a ss carriage, a8 becomes an Aabitud ), but he does r any other dock, Mr. Punch registers » vow, that should he feel | not recollect ever having had to be carried away on a stretcher, like inclined to break the law, he will break it in the Westminster police- | this lady, though, having listened to the swagger of the City men who district. He trusts that Mn. Setre will then him with | use the line, he has away a great many stretchers with him. compliment, in order that he may be able to reply, with his wonted | Let us hope that her caeae ot Greely eens See ewe area cifsney, that snother prover ts smashed, fort SELFE praise is a enough to keep keep her from Padi for the future. Perhaps she felt | great recommendation. He now proceeds to the— whe fener fg that she got, as the Americans say, a brick sien oe Mz. Pacer was very kind as usual, afid only bade AMES. eae “‘ Taomas Henry Jackson, @ tall, well-dressed young of aristocratic bearing, Majora canamus. ge Seats repartee Wiles woe to chronicle Givers inkabitants of the Pariah of S¢ Dunstan, Steynsy, otherwise Stobonieath, is by the Lord Chief Justice of England. A Mz. Cian, a person without lawful excuse. with a a row in veo and bellowed, among other | ““ The Prisoner Peau a08 sohee nen cebetth afer Sfente last last night, and was not Shened 3 that he wanted justice » instead of i the quite sober or quite ti; His friends knocked at his door at Christmas time, and 4 returned the com it by knocking at theirs. justice which he wished cut for him. had also been 4 sue meother of the e Prisoner here made an Sees thai esis writing usive letters, after thé lashion of these n a — 7 was a man se ae on That ia Fama be ~ RE 5 omen grievances. Sin ALEXANDER remonstrated, but for a long time ‘ou should teach “ Moruzr. He has Soe bowght up very gota We are very rezpectable.” aristocratic ” down to “ very respectable” is a great drop, bet we wil ot ingure closely as to what may be yah wee small success. At last the Judge had a chance. “ APPLICANT (violently). Then am I to stand here—— “ The Lonp Caer Justice, No. I must request you to’sit down.” And a glance from the age of justion, (otinaiiige. possible Peeler, mee bec: ed segue weap We have, in other days, heard | finally quelled the griev: ete am, ae » by the way, added to his Eooadsecmartiiest oc ag on Mr. Pacer’s ee ee of the First Lord of the Admiralty, who retort that the young noblemal’s, born at Stepney was no uncivil to 4 reason for his hammering at doors at ge Fag was capital, but he missed "Nor shall the wit of the be unrecorded. A milkman wished to another epi about who are born seas over being erro- pep conan Sats, Stele See The _— neously supposed to be of . The Prisoner was in | senti unchanged, she appealed to the of hat condition, being as entre vens, or rather probably, emer ey. Toe Tear law, De Oseulss, did not appear to have been despite his two beers. We hope that he has been | much the courtship, and to another young lady witness ee oe be a nn eee to miato Unk the ek: 8 i ; , a8 a short, ill-dressed young man lemocratic} «wn Cnaxsrrs learned friend WKINS suggests bearing might have said, and again we move on to— siete cf Gale and Sieh te Kane ‘wn tad cae vee eau ie cy eae

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

January 21, 1865.) Aabandash lett 0 doublo chaik. (Laughter.) Did you chalk up the kisses (Loud ctmaien ahi aml ann has sister's ngs sit sathar tiem tans che aod tomate “ T suppose she said that because he was not the cream of society.. sy SC ; he is what is ealled skimmed milk. (Zaughter.)” Mas. Bounett’s awfal figure of speech might have seared less casinent wits out their powers of rejoinder, but we rejoice to read that, Tawonzep and Ancawrus when they charged each other and their fell, they Ggeang lightly up, war's perfect masters they.”

v EE lated 0 : ‘ that he would not have any but-her, he was never had her whey, &c., &c., &c. Or, if his Lordship di thought it, but veda not enter into a wit-comflict with old Father Antic, the Law, is not so dull as much that im recognised places of entertainment, Convoeation for RTs ERP eH ti ts Hi g = &

TO THE YANKEE BRAGGARTS. Thander which we had prepared in case Mn. Srwanp should back ap Gungnat Dre. His‘ American crisis which is only to be met is the most unmitigated ger, and Mr, P constituting i British Swaggerer to the Nation, hereby answers the ee jo % shouts as loud and shrieks as ‘fierce as their own.”” War with England, indeed, you long- faced, wizened, ugly, ignorant Occidentals. Do you know what you are talking about ? Defy the flag that has braved a thousand years the battle and the breeze? Laughat the Pi Pll ie Lion_and give St . to ——— : the Unicorn. Bah! Bosh! -——_ # ; Shut up! Tremble! Do you know what we should do in the flash of a lucifer match ? We should re ise the Con-

(As intoned by the Ultramontane French Bishops.) Se & the Porz’s Bull official allowed to reproduce that Us raise a of wailing, Howey kaw sereey we _ Cc And Csak will himself have to do penance and make restitution, Or—I need not mention the alternative which you all know, And our tongues are ti Oh, ob, ob, oh! What persecution we endure in being hindered from declaring The that the State doth sin with wicked heretics in bearing, That y beside ourselves hath right to freedom of opinion, And temporal is subject to ecclesiastical dominion. Tn our shaven with tears the furrows therefore o

ports at once with three should havea re-union of forces at Michigan, where a British on the 24th?” Is an oyster Tus Usiow 1s No Monz! Put that in ipes and smoke it ; and there’s plenty more where eg op rteme pte oma

that came from. CYNIC’s MOTTO FOR KELLY’s DIRECTORY. (By the permission of the Author of “ Dead Men whom T have knee. Lavoe Men whom I don’t want to know.

‘Waar Common Question means Nucus?—Wine ot?

Teperabe Brothers nd With <iltzees tear Sal aoa Pee ia vane treated! Oh cht ont” yee Zaned, case wiles ts thoes Nass ’s Rome’ 2? ¥ tied, or we had better hold them. Oh, oh, oh! our verflow, federacy, proclai Davis Tn we Tee Oh, oh, oh! King of the So steam Oh, ! into ail “he Gentoionate . hundred thousand Guards, all six foot and most six and three- THE SLANG OF THE STAGE. a aye a pe -* ing Te ee tae Waar queer people there are in the aot cae & tee such as we seize for our own use in bom ew Yo e ¢ , y should put Sm Hueu Rose at the head of our stu us land | world dramatic. Wee incense’ nctn ae ethane persons force, and relieve Lux, who would rush South to extermmate ty a who are wanted for a theatre :— Generals, sober or tipsy, while we marched upon Was for the second time, ha! ha! gave it to the devouring flames. e should then walk over you all, and straight into Canada, where we should instantly hang every Yankee who had dared to set his hoof on the sacred soil, and then we should annex the North to the colony, making Quebec the empire city. Meantime, our Australian soldiers would be | « up and re, Se Coen iver Volunteers would occupy Texas, the brave Van would clear Miss the New South W would answer for Arkansas, while the New natives, i and thirsting to show their love for England, would sweep like a tattooed torrent lowa, Wisconsin. We what in wonder’s name are all these people * to ¢ to be given on evening, are these actors all required to ahend inthe guehderyumanemeanie

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2 eR 2 eT Uae 36 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. nani [Janvary 21, 1966, ATATINNR Parlour Maid, “Te you Pusasz, Coox, Missus WANTS TO SPEAK TO You aBouT To-Morrow’s Diener.” Cook (deep in the last Penny ’lustrated). “On! ANG ER; NoT at OME, TELL ER!!” THEY MANAGE THESE THINGS BETTER IN FRANCE. AN HE Mémorial of Vau- cluse has published the story of a rail- way detention in the snow, accompanie by an incident more horrible to om well- regulated. mind than any ever included in the long catalogue of even railway-acci- dent-horrors in this country. An arch- bishop was actually shut up in the train for two days on short commons, and only rescued after walking two miles through the snow without his shoes! The blood runs cold at the id even though the archbishop in this case was a Roman one, But it is only when we trans- for i ee ee own Establishment that its full horror can be ised. Think of our own venerable W. Exon, or C. T. Cantuar exposed to such frightful sufferings! To on oe bread and Cote gs ga hey ps gece ae in 8 gai wit shoe- soles worn off, makes the heart bleed. Fancy Sax Oxon in this predicament, reduced, perhaps, to fall back on his own soap, as the 4 | of a bishop being starved, history contains no record. Then, what a snowed-up bear is said to absorb its own fat. And yet we could almost Sete ap our minds to such a sight, thinking of the tornado of railway reform it would give rise to. _ Starving a bishop would be even better than Sypyzy Smrrn’s suggestion of burning one, as a short way to railway reformation. It would be more startling. One has h of bishops being burnt—in bloody Manry’s time. But highly scriptural as well as salutary spectacle we should have in one of the modern successors of the Apostles, literally without scrip or shoes, instead of as -we usually see him, with an extremely well-lined con- vexity under his apron, and an elegant pair of pumps with silver buckles, on the rare occasions when our overseer con to your “even Christian’s” conveyance, Shanks’ nag; i of the we aneseens chariot or perfect cob, so much affected by the pi of our Episcopal Bench. _ ADVERTISEMENTS. Here we are again :— SUPERB, small LANDAU, for a light horse. It is the lightest of its kind ever made, adapted fer a hilly country, ora Clergyman. Opens instantly. A saving of £65 effected. oe ‘ What connection could thete have been in the advertiser’s’ mind between a hilly country and a Clergyman? Unless he was thinking of an eccentric preacher after the style of the late Rowianp Hit, and then he should have explained himself by writing a hilly country or a Rowland Hilly Clergyman. A Gentle Hint. o Tue Porz has presented a hat of crimson velvet, lined with ermi to Reta ee? et caine has always been considered highly symbolical. It was. : used when the Papal treasury was, as it now is, very low, and originated in one of ing Peter’s pence, called “Going round with

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& THE SCHOOLMASTER AT HOME. Mus. Burtawwa. “ AS YOU SAY, MR. PAM, THAT TO WRITE PROPERLY IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN THE WORLD, I’VE BROUGHT THIS LITTLE GENTLEMAN TO YOU. HIS LETTER-WRITING SADLY WANTS IMPROVING.”

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Cea . He ‘ F ey i ‘ i : ‘ » 4 i e eG : - ; . ; " . # j % . Ay ed

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x ~ Jauanr 11, 1865.) Ta consequence of the Police, the following their duty some new of authorities.) Prisoner. But your The MacistRaTs, Inspector Brox Piper og had acted according to POLICE INTELLIGENCE. be thr any dag ub the Gate @f 1905 or in 1866, when such powers frequent use, have acquired the of law. DOGBERRY STREET.—Szxtovs Cuancz acaist 4 Sonor TroR.— A person of exterior, who gave his name as Mr. Cuanues Copzsiit, of r Walk, Barnard’s Temple, was brough iti i with creating a dis- turbance in the oe ot obstructing the Police in the executi 3 - i s f I am at — unacquainted, you have somewhat exceeded the limits 16G Q. observed that he was of a jealous temperament, and couldn’t bear to stand by and see any young female,as he took an interest in, spoken to by a mere civilian under his very nose. It was aggravating. The orders issued from head-quarters were, that the Police were not to be aggravated, or obstructed, and if so treated they were at liberty to lock up the offender. (The Policeman here handed in for his Worship’s inspection the New Revised Private Police Code, for the use of the ive, and the assistance of the judicial The Macisrrats having perused the document, observed that witness could not have acted in a more humane manner than he had done. after a reference to the Revised Police Code, said new powers conferred upon themselves ibe asa rota Police “4 . Wice 963 Q, deposed, that on Th night, he was on duty i Oxford Sire and having nothing i to do, was enjoying out to fetch the supper beer. While thus engaged, the prisoner came up and accosted him familiarly, The Magistrate, What do you mean b l Wice 263 Q. expressed his surprise at his Worship’s question, He paid accosted you familiarly? had never had the slightest doubt and arene on i eee He didn’t feel he was bound to answer his Worship at all, if he didn’t like. f The Macistrate, Well, we will not discuss the point. Wice 263 Q, said he was glad to hear that, as he should have been obliged be eee oon lee et Se Police, who had recently given Police were in no way to be annoyed py Magistrates. T mang rpeamag y on oh me hg conversation for the purpose of home, inquiring his way to New Road. ‘This he considered a mere tence for getting a word with the young female and cutting hi 166, out. He did not make any answer to prisoner's question. Fi that he his impertinence, he took him to the station-house Prisoner made some resistance, and witness ing he might do, or say, would be used dead to me, that unless you ‘have received from the head of the Police, with which Worship will perhaps allow me to state—— | VERGES STREET.—Exrnsonpmany Case. Fracas IN THE Porice Cetis.—Frank Gosiine, 22, clerk in a large mercantile establishment, was placed at the bar x. Custos, charged with a in the police cells of that Court. aganenen, the Nagi). I have been locked up | occasion. y. « Mz. Custos. Let me hear the . ie, Soe ne charge B id, I was in the station-house when the Prisoner was in, JL entered his name on the sheet. I asked what he was with. The Policeman said he’d leave that to me. Mz. Custos, What charge is entered on the sheet ? Inspector Buovx. None at first. I ordered him to be locked up. I thought we soon should have ac against him, and I was right. He very violent, and wouldn’t be locked up. It took three police- | p ry besides myself to put him into the er a“ Nye Lae A: that I myself justified in entering a charge of assai e Prisoner. Mz. Custos. But it seems to me a most extracedieacy proceeding on pp bey) aS the istrate, but LINK ir ing ” peeans Ae Wortip iol Sk nom the now toes 20d i $ for the ice Mr. Custos owned that he had not. Weew. the Magistrate’s attention to a copy, which orship would see that he, the information received. wise: PUNCH, OR THE CHARIVART. i i Hie we eeply affected by the worthy Magis Uy chected, ty the ee Mz. Custos then placed in the Ni 7 Code oe the titer feglation. and ioral improvement ofthe PUBLICATION RECEIVED FOR REVIEW. A Treatise on Artificial Teeth, By —— ——, Surgeon Dentist.

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we =. aera nares PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (January 21, 1865, Ss Nf in ona | ——| ——_~> = 7 Mint N \\: WIT IN THE WASHING-ROOM. THOUGHT You HAD Hich CHURCH PROOLIVITIES,” \\ Slim Parson (who has fallen in with an old College Chum at @ Club). “‘Atwars| The roll ought to be well buttered to sustain so WAR, SUBLIME AND RIDICULOUS, A Monsrsx mine is sprung belo fort a thousand men “4 ¢ charges, meeting Med lose tae nate beaten beak O, fire and smoke! O, noise! O, mass "Of wholesale carnage, blood, and pain ! Fine ha of human i For pee tae nder a! So vas armies yi To Moloch with such blaze and roar, Is there not grandeur in the Heaped high, drenched deep, with slain and gore ? me x friend, mount only if ballowe, PR mee Ay: Lens Than CoxwELt ever = iB sky. Great like children’s cannon, then, Will flash and bounce below thee far, And thou wilt see, as Penrat in fight beneath a mac car. set Reel ie from the Totes height ; rani swk and knife, Scalp savages, or Christians blow Up one another out of life. ASS . A Lot of Lawyers. A Contemporary states that— “ The number of attorneys on the roll is about 10,000.” BisHor CoEnso is requested to to take notice that Lee Stout ditto, “Ox, xo! I was ALWAYS DISPOSED TO BE BroaD THAN OTHERWISE.” | equal to 10,000. CHIMPANZEES AND CHERUBS. a: Fees, a letter to ~ ene “himeclt “A New Factory Act Wanted,” P. gentleman w himself “A Childless Bachelor, = reprebends the prghe of ed ye go agg tomimes burlesques. ary sight of ones about dag pro ea 90) and Fea posed to the glare ights, at an Pheer when they they cut af i gave” him “ anything but baboon. Why not, as well as to a wrinkled JezzsEL? cn, oy tae samt me, to joa An Aapoe Her figures fo: improving faces are said to be rather m. r consideration would = isi Journalism. A New Evening Paper, entitled the Piccadilly Gazette, is 1s wil ensheie oll beacon wane probable next three id | Genee (on tho pian of Aneninas, Sasa eee onsen anal riticisms on all forthcoming O not as yet il trical Criticisms on future The last bon mot and fashionable on dit of a fortuight hence will be in a conspicuous and the Editor will be getting himself forcibly into the middle of next in order to arrive at the very intel- ligence on every subject of much or little importance. Serve Him Right! Recewtty, in his Charge on the trial of an “ mee bon so eta See % im was ite right, and meant the Judge’s something nature byron Ho wea very properly sent to penal servitede. NOTE BY A GENTLEMAN WITH A VERY BAD COLD. “ Who runs may read.” —If your eyes run, they can’t read.

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Janvany 21, 1865.] MR. PUNCH’S HANDY-BOOK OF THE STAGE. CHAP. VIL—THE LOW COMEDIAN. : : ,- is indeed an en- ; in the theatre. You are per- incarnation laughter— a in flesh and blood. is nojhing hy —_ as is be the process, and the force- pump—that is, the low Saeeens fasten Oat it is, and foremost, your ‘business to get laughs ; and get them. heheh yo tekst hoe : you is part to re the hu- with, i : CA morous side of “laughs,” let his tt play and let. with all its effects of see what comes of his a.” and shade. That ~~ The chances are he will never again the business of the thus to impose on oy yey ' who plays character-parts. The low cometian, ; : other con- You axe a low comedian. scentions arte folowing «line o will matter what the situation, actian, iia the Aztthas’s business $0 Sinliyon ie langhes| who bul ap ldk'at tie uicee in akich Bar or is S w as mirror : is ad Tie tthe preen e ee | Constantly ¢0 look, to find the trae featunes of You need not be too particular about your means. Jou Butt, if he is kep ing, is| Art. He-will be told that as tears and not disposed to ask questions as tothe taste, propriety, sense, or meaning of what tickles him. | lie close sain, an, often on the same Let the circus-clown be a lesson to you in this respect. See how safe fe makes his| in life, so they should on the stage. Let him laughs ; ae yet how simple and zaive the means he uses ! turn a deaf ear to such sophisms, and cultivate a manner of your own—the more unlike real life the better. A peculiar voice, gait, grin, or chuckle, will you a round of laughter before you open your mouth. Such a jocose mannerism, marking, ter ; his object not to depict character from as it does, your friendly and relations with the public, may be compared to the | the ludicrous side, but to make the Loree Bo Clown’s “‘ Here we are!” in the Pantomime, which never misses fire. Besides, as you will| If he follow —— i rinciple, always play parts, meant, at least, to be funny, the audience will in time come to associate | will be led away into that confusion of low ‘our mannerism with fun, and to laugh at it as if it really were fun. In the absence of real comer ae character-part, against which we amour or comicality #z or on your part, this isa great advantage. If you cannot invent | have ly warned the light comedian. make you known the moment you appear, and often z i more profitable art of forcing broad. secure | and guffaws. His study must not be life, bi BELATED JURYMEN. (To the Rigut Hon. Lorn Westsvry.) May it Lordship. Gentlemen of the Jury are whose poll fag i Myx) your esa i attention. direct lo mule thle tet kikys- “ This closed the case for the Prosecution, and Mz. Bzsr, the Prisoner’s to postpone his defence until this (Thursday) mo ». the Cor sdjogened adi fy, nvording fo, casio in nuh cass, wer en to the on wish to m the report of the late isting in it eae es in it, € if they were allowed to go home, wo’ to have their minds influenced by their are Beitish jurymen, of all le in the world, particular susceptible of intimidation or undue influence? I believe the Fre: England. Yet et he ky mab juries as t i in lecisions rench juries are not in to law and evidence than those of our own. were to fight a duel and have the last over a day, Lords, Bishops and all, have to would your in a neighbouring public-house—say the West- I leave your Lordship to follow out the conclusion to which every sane person must arrive by parity of reasoning, and remain, My Lord, ever your Lordship’s, retiring for the night Fa mga are subject re . them, not miscarry jurymen. No more, perhaps, Se 8 ae aes 2 en, Se, ae duties are interrupted by night, suffered to go home to their Amone the American news we notice a statement that :— “ Presipent LincoLx has been made an LL.D. by the College of New Jersey.” LL.D.? Presmwznt Lovcoun, after dealing as he has dealt with the laws and constitution of the United made Doctor of Laws He Collage of Now Jones Who over ootld hare thong that loumed body of such a stroke of irony?. The military government i Ma. Lixcoxy will sechepeyevesa bom come Obes vaniny learned complimentary body honorary degree of Doctor of Civil Law. The Great Mistletoe Question. I can’ say on the oak if the mistletoe shoot, Da Pt Nepean cia, (Witness Punch’s own lips), on the Home Christmas tree. Sh of se

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 21, 1865. AA * i x ies . KN os ig WAN ae > THE LAST .CAB AT. THE .RAILWAY STATION. ELEGANT DISPUTE BETWEEN RIVAL CLAIMANTS. Cabman. “Ir I wos aLLowED TO ‘rt, Lapres, I sHup say, TorsE wor!” THE SOLICITORS’ SONG. A FATHER’S APPEAL. My — Pounce (drapes of Lonp Wasrsvry’s Letter to Mr. Pacer, M.P.) Iw an excellent article on the Brompton case, our > friend and Here’s Wasravnr, Lord Chancellor, fellow Tory, the Standard, says :— : Who Solicitors dared: defy, “« It is, in fact, a error to suppose that a parent's authority over 9 female Now down upon his marrow-bones, child ceases at the age of sixteen. That is an utter delusion. : Fseeums Sotend So cry Yes. But I should like to know, when it begins. Having seven | | ag reciou Blof Bankruptey dan hters, varying in age from two to twenty, I have some little niterest ‘Caden Shattaath he can’t draw of us dogs of the Lew, the question. own contribution to its solution is my statement Nor force us to drop our bone ! » that—beginning with the youngest—my first regularly wakes me at’ six with screeching ; my second paints all my —- s in her earliest _ He taxed his brain to tax our costs, my my third utterly declines to learn ‘the eo But the cost Ae has had to pay, pg hyp i RA y bedap pep eg , In a Bill dchoncured and Conds at feud, ed down to the — my fifth to ro to chateh becaase. | Fi ‘And dividends gnawed away. the preacher is so ugly 5 my sixth made me stay for her at a dance till | | Spite of Hazirrr and Rocue, we ’ve upset the coach, three ‘this morning ; my seventh ‘has announced that I may Ours still is the lion’s share, tyrannise over her young + affections for another a ee and cruel yom ee Se aieies Sok 5 cnx fans grow call, son Paces’ whee T late be’ Me Guo and bis Realy’ Tf usin ar ee therefore, you or the Standard can give me any lights which will’ give Then. deetahe for the jolly old legal pack, me any authority over one or all of young es, I shall remain, for WESTBURIE, Y only obliged, Aad a fe would draw the fangs of law, ours uncommonly obliged Steer the Lawyer's fee | Goneril Terrace, Regan Park. Tue Lear oF PRIVATE Lie. Met bankrupts abound, me the less in the pound To their creditors they : The more in the pound er ‘vill pay to us, Meteorological. And so they ought, Hooray ! Tue Clerk of the Weather presents his compliments to Mr. Punch and begs leave to submit to him a joke which he, the Clerk, has oceupied some moments of his leisure in concocting :— ee See. Q. Way is Apmrrat Frrzpoy like a careful riddle-maker ? Ir _ often ee byw sa husband fails to be home to dinner,| 4. Because a poe deal of his time is taken up about a cone-and-drum that it is one (conundrum). Printed by William Bootes, of No. 13, athe Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pence, be the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No, 11, Bouverie S in the Precinct of tke Se ot , Printers, ~~ ir Uffice in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefri rs, City of London, and. Published by = at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the ih of St. Bride; City ATURDAY, JANUARY

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January 28, 1865.) PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARLVARI. 33 INFALLIBLE. ANY Scent, Stopar?” Stodge. “1’vE Got THE vERY THING, MY Dear Fettow. ONLY Millamant (who has dropped in for an hour at Stodge’s. on his way to an Evening Party). “ Boterwation! How sHatt I cet RID oF Tais ToBacco SMOKE? Gor Sort. WHERE’s youR HANDKERCHIEF. THERE! THERE’S NOTHING LIKE TuRPS !!” [Exit Swell, disgusted. A GOOD THING FROM THE NEW WORLD. Wuen from Darien to Terra del Fuego DR oy ae rose for their freedom, e the Dons, their oppressors, away go, (And borrowed our money to bleed ’em,) Cawnine cried, while appending the strife, (Twas before English lenders were sold) That the New World had wakened to life To redress the warped scales of the old. Since then we’ve seen tricks so fantastic By these States played in Liberty’s name, That we sigh for some curb, though ’twere Aztec, These random Republics to tame. But in spite of perpetual commotion, | Cannine’s , at last, meaning has found, In this New South American notion Of good beef at threepence a pound ! | Their republican riots we ’ve laughed at, Cursed their rogues and their repudiation : Their heroics and bluster we ’ve scoffed at, As below even Yankee sensation. Their silver we ’ve taken, and glad! Would see our lost gold there refound, But they send what we want just as badly, When they send beef at threepence a pound! Beef is beef, though ’tis fed at the seat Of King Mob’s topsy-turviest State, And there ’s something appropriate in meat That comes to our shores from the Plate. Though Jonn Butt rules the roast of the nation, His good knights, Sir Loin and Sir Round, Will welcome their New World relation, Senor Cuarque* at threepence a pound ! * Charque—Spanish for jerked beef. Shakspeare by a Cynic. Tue following benediction was pronounced by a wretch at a public dinner :-— May indigestion wait on appetite, And gout on both ! KEEP ONE| LeGAL INTELLIGENCE.—There is a rumour that the Chief Justice of the Common Pleas is to have a Peerage—an Earl-dom, of course. nd | | wolf HOMEOPATHY IN THE WORKHOUSE. T, _ THE proverb says that Union is strength, but the Poor Law Union en is synonymous with weakness. Weak broth, and weak tea, and weak. st stimulants of all sorts are given in the workhouse, and the paupers who mat! reside there are generally weak __. There are weak minds too six among them, and among those who have the charge of them, who in est very many instances are weak enough to fancy that they can get work le: done withont giving proper pay for it. For example, at the Holborn atil: Union the medical man is paid a hundred pounds a-year for attending ane | on an average one hundred and twenty patients, forty of whom he is till | required to visit every day; while the medicine he dispenses costs him nay twenty pounds a year, or a halfpenny per diem for each one of his bit patients. With such homeopathic pay for it, one wonders that the her treatment is not also homeopathic: for globules are of course far If, cheaper than black doses, and if through want of proper physic a patient rive happens to die, there will be one the less to visit, and so the less work 2, for the Doctor. As a rule, our workhouse Surgeons are shamefully ill-paid, and when } 2 death occurs through insufficient—that is, homceopathic—treatment, Z. one can hardly be surprised at it. The charge of manslaughter in such case should be brought against the Guardians rather than the Doctor, Sym) for they stint him in the salary out of which he buys his drugs, and | 993 they stint him in the diet he prescribes for his poor patients. But the ie? workhouse, it is said, must perforce be made repulsive, and even in the ach >| sick room its inmates must be roughly treated. Paupers, we are told soon learn the trick of shamming ill, that they may esc work and get a little extra diet. Sees re sharp eno through such imposture. allow none on the sick li Yet Doctors usually are sharp enough to see and, for the sake of their own interests, they workhouse Surgeons are grossly underpaid; and, as “ who drives fat oxen should himself be fat,” one would think it is deemed needful that who Doctors the sick poor should be sickened of the office, and be paid the poorest pittance for it. INFALLIBILITY AND LEGITIMACY. Tue BisHor or Beavvalts has addressed to the clergy of his diocese a circular on the Porr’s Encyclical ; which seems like buttering bacon. He expresses the hope that, with time and patience, the present clamour against the Papal edict will cease, and that the people will end by under- standing that “ the Holy Church, the great civiliser of the world, has never been, and can never be, the enemy of true civilisation and of legi- timate progress.” If the people end as Popery would have them end, they will no doubt end in understanding very clearly that the Church meant by the Bisor or Beauvais is by no means the enemy, but the very intimate friend, of legitimate progress. They will end in being a people no longer free to choose their own rulers, which legitimate progress will render them once more unable to do. According to the principles just propounded by the Sovereign Pontiff, legitimate progress is the progress of legiti- mate monarchy, and means, in France, political retrogression, and the restoration of the Bourbons. But, alas for Infallibility and Pros Tae | NintH! how came Pius tHe SevENTH to crown the First NapoLEon ? Before launching his Encyclical to smash Victor-EMMANUEL, the NintH Pius might, however, have taken the precaution to crown NAPOLEON THE Fema. rum | | l t but those who are really ailing. For these : humanity demands that good treatment be procured, and good treat-| New Boox (Dedicated to the Author of the “ Apologia”).—History ment can hardly be obtained without good pay for it. At present | of My Convictions. By an “ on-the-lay”? Member of the Swell Mob. inet of VOL, XLVIII, E

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. [Janvary. 28, 1865. SOCIAL IMPROVEMENTS. NIH \ \ | \ oN i p Fa if: it Ir is no uncommon thing for free, ardent spirits, in the hey-day of: sprightly youth ana soul-inspiring health, to complain bi‘terly of the restraints imposed 7 ther honest, impulsive natures, by tae | formalities and insipid conventionalities of an artificial state of Society, For instance, how much amusement is lost, how much joyousness expelled—nay, utterly quashed—by the existing method adopted by every visitor on entering or quitting an apartment ! The servant, to whom we confidentially impart our name at the feot of the stairs, and who, haying so ther more important matters wherewith to employ his memory, ts it before he reaches. landing, and requires further information upon the subject before com. mitting himself to, any: irrevocable statement, prepares by his an- nouncement the lady or gentleman of the house for our entrance, whieh following straight upon the nang gs ag heralding, and, as it were, of the man in plush, is about as flat and stale a performance as it 1s possible to conceive. under the patronage If itis true that the essence of wit is surprise, then, most certainly, coming into a drawing-room in the manner above-mentioned, is witless, hopelessly witless-——witless to the last. degree. ? ot-one whit, or wit, less does \the above apply to going out of a room ; or, for the matter of that, to our present forms of salutation, valediction, and the like. ‘“ Yes,” say you, whoever you are, “that’s true: but where’s your remedy ?” : Where, Sir ? hy, in the habits, manners, and customs observed in the sparkling burlesques and extravaganzas of our modern Stage. You think that deeeriptive music enables you to form some judgment of the about to appear: your mind. is made up on the subject, and pe enters somebody else quite different altogether from what you led to imagine from the notes, There’s surprise—there, | a |; up | entranee of the expected visitor. | consequently, is wit for you. Again, do they come to a difficulty in | the Burlesque Drama, or a standstill in the dialogue, they are out of it | oe Jim Crow,” and getting anyhow into a chirruping, go- | ahead popular song with a dance to finish, before you can say “Jack | Robinson ! ”’—always supposing the exclamation of that Christian and surname. to be a fair measure of rapidity. Is there any doubt whatever | majority, we will re one second you'd be on familiar terms with every one of them ! Enter drawing-room suddenly, and at the word “crash” strike an ; attitude. After this, the conversation can_ flow pleasantly.and freely ; for after such an entranee there can be no doubt about your being able to make yourself perfectly at home, and it offers in itself a subject for dis- cussion, , Having exhausted the themes of health, weather, parties, interesting family statistics, and the seasonable amusements, you will all come to an awkward standstill, and the visitor will say— a a hasty glance at his. watch, without arriving at the sli t notion of the time—that he “thinks he must be going,” or he. “really must be going now ;” and then, fellows the humming and. ming of leave-taking, and the almest insuperable difficulty of making anything like an effective exit, copansnlly if there be some little digtance between your chair and the oor, Here is, the way to obviate all thi As. the close.of the visit a», more: more lively; an when there are no more topics, proceed as is inafter set Yourself (rising from, chair). “ Well, Missis, Surrram, T think that. I mush ge,” Mr. or. Mrs. Smythe (if they are equal to the occasion): “ Tt grieves.us. much to hear you saying.so.” “so.” If neither. the lad ' the gentleman adapt the line = yon og wae Ge a “It grieves me that L.should be saying.so.” s0 good-bye. Permit me just to Lleave ag go “out ob de wage” words. one of Dam. a ctngen Tents ase spameative of the maledy Maewenan: Dan. Tucker Ara—“* Ole Dan Tucker.” Yourself (singing). Out.ob de, way, ole-Dan Tucxzr, (Dance towards the door) Out ob de way, ole Daw Tucxen, Out ob de way, ole Dan Tucker, (Open the drawing-room door, so as it.may,be ready for you), You didn’t ask me to stay to supper ™ (or “luncheon,” or ““dinner,” as the.case may > (Pretend to play the tambourine on your hat, whistle or hum the sym- phony, and exit, dancing.) And what will the Sayrues say, after you’ve gone? Why, “A lively fellow that!” to be sure. The man-servant might be instructed to receive a visitor at the door manage this, inue— | with “ Hallo! I’m a-looking at you!” Whereupon, visitor and servant should execute rapid pantomime music, “Rum tum tum tum tiddley iddley iddley,” &c., on imaginary violins. Then the domestic might (being also thereto instructed) run up-stairs, open the drawing-room oor, put his head in, say “Somebody’s coming!” and immediately The Master and Mistress of the House would then take e “Rum tum tum tiddley iddley” music as aforesaid, until the How a arial entrance, such as we have already described, would delight a t rawing-room filled with your host’s. friends, of whom the suppose, are personally unknown to you! Wh >a ‘ake | as. to how.your characters shall be “got off,’ so as to make room for | the coldest present: could he withstand your joyous bounding into the 0! | tionalist. in iety, is the easiest thing to your Burlesque Actor— \ Tee oe ubsrsieal inficmit t of his inferi of any physical infirmity, or on account of his inferior ' position in the theatre, he is not allowed to dance or sing, then, at all events, he has a pointed couplet to “carry him off,” so as to make the epdienge regret the absénce of one who had given such promise for the uture, Why not adopt these methods in Society ? | Let us suppose a few cases. ‘To begin with, we must imagine our characters of a certain amount of musical power. It is also desirable that the correct ear should regulate the movements of the light fantastic toe. Now, let us put our principles into practice. Sup- pose, for instance, that Ma. Jovzs calls upon the SayruEs :— nt (opening drawing-room door, and announcing) Mr. Jones. | Mr. Smyrue mises from his seat, and Mrs. Suyrue languidly reposes in her chair. bea (supposing that you are Jones) wait for a minute or so on the anding. seem (outside, humming preparatory music—“ See the conquering comes ;”? t, speaking without,” asif addressing unseen attendants). ‘Tell my umbrella pipoeleeatck to await my return.in the vestibule. (Hums,). Tiddle li liddle liddle lam. Crash! rom all. What might puzzle the most brilliant conversa: | | of freedom and unrestrained room, your attitude, your waggling of your r , your ‘‘ Here we are again ! How was you to-morrow?” and so forth. Of course not. Away, Formality ; away, es ! and let us, welcome.a new. era easantry. Enough for the present. By the time the amiable reader, shall have mastered the above method, we shall be ready for him with something fresh on the same subject. Until then, fare thee well! Executors’ Announcement. Tus. Liverpool Financial Reformers (who propose to. abolish Excise and Customs, and thereby to throw all taxes. on property). beg respect- fully to announce, that they are appointed sole executors to. the late M, Provpnon, and assignees of his celebrated dogma La Propriété cest un Fol, A COCKNEY’S EPITAPH. Tax! “ From the cradle to the grave!” my brother, A nurse takes you from one, an ’earse to t’other. Tre Best Prace ror Mr. Bassaca.—Stillorgan. | a A khwiks a & ene

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a oo January 28, 1865.] PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARITVART. 35 ° AN EXPERIMENT A) test. IN LONGEVITY. EVERED Puncu,—A great deal of discussion has lately arisen about lotigevity. Can a man live to above 100? Those who Pre about the ——_ 0 question may ‘Ste it subjected to ‘the test timent. I offér iyself Sir, I am a man of age, subsisting by the exéteise of my intellectual facultits in‘ way calculated to plense ‘Others rather than myself. iy 7 tition is natu sound, but am sure that, if 1 g0 én @s I ah going, I shall nét-attain to mote than threescofe ‘years and ‘én, probably die sootiér of disease of the heart or brain. ‘keep my- self up to the mark, I “m in the habit of eating and drittking a great deal in@re than isgood for me. I hat tather not do this if I could help'it, and, if I did not do it, I verily believe that 1 should live to be at least a cen- tenarian. I am 6i statistical facts, that matrimony would prolong my existence, and should be inclined to yif I could find a woman suffitiently beautiful, and also sénsible enough to please me; ‘but I am restrained from any idea Of ‘fhar- riage by the dread of that anxiety which I should incur by taking a wife unless on an income suf- that you would Be '‘only too happy to take care of the money for one who ay e to try and see whether, by living i by rule in sti nee to the natural laws of ' ‘ on a salutary d care of himself, and being exempt but I} think, from the knowlédge of | give them to the world for the benefit of my fellow- creatures, My object would be answered by a public subscription of the smallest separate sums, if constituting, in the aggr % an Sepete amount, which I should not object to have invested in the names of trustees, 80 as ment would secure me an income sufficient for the purposes of physiological seienée and my own; und I am sure, Sir, from every othér @iite, he could not contrive to live'so long as to be a second Oun Pama. LAUREATOS LOQUITUR. (Por the text Edition of “ In Memoriam”) ‘scorés'in Burke and in Desrerr, d, Six ALrReps may be found : ‘Stoop I to their common ground, ‘WhoStaind alone, Arrrep THe Great ? | I Ee write ‘myself down “ Bart.” Wefe'ws if venison in scorn | For Whateliness of haunch and horn, With Base%born mutton should take part. Names “fe‘there—such, men say, is mine— Too gréat for handles to avail : Dubbed by Apollo’s accolade, The Muses’ belted knight :m I; No sword of meaner chivalry Upon my shoulder mast be laid. Known by ‘my crown of Phebus’ tree, As thou, miy friend, by cap and hunch Why more than thou wouldst be Sin dSres oer ficiently large to enable me to afford all her wants, and satisfy all her desires, so that she might not bother me, and also to insure myself against being bored b possible family. Were I possessed of that income, I should devote my time and means to the cultivation of science and literature in accordance with my natural inclinations, and, if I arrived at any conclusions worth publishing, should be dis NCH, ya Should I Six Aurrep deign to be? Tue Artist To Intustrate “Tue SLezrinc Beauty.” to | —Scunorr. THE PLEASURES OF THE PORPOISE. Ma, Puncu, your hi was cort the huther day by a leter bin the Times as ad yure Name at the hend of it. BuckKLAND.’ which I canot elp writin to say ow i The leter was sined “ Frank It wore about the live hy ow in the Slogical Gardings, invies Im. Wen fust e cum acordin to Mz. Buckiaxp the porpose’s happy tight was werry Badd :— “But on the llth day it began to.eat some sprats, which tied to tnin and easily broken oteing: were made to wabble about in front of its nose by means of a jack It now, however, eats 3Ib. of sprats and $ lb. of eels every day.” Ho —— ow plummy! Don’t i love Spratts! Ain’t i Fond of Heels ! n’t I wish i was'a Porpuss! And hifi was one shoouden’t i jest Like to liv in the Slogical Gardings! What an appy porpuse that are must be to dine every Day horf spratts and heels, and then by way of a Chang Mz. Buckuanp sez :— “ This morning it had two fresh herrings and a whiting for breakfast.” Fancy that! Fresh errins is wery nice and So is .witin, tho’ for Breakfist 1 perfers a bloter or fin and addick wen i can get em, witch in my Siremstances is not so orphan as eye cood Wish. Wel its wonderfool ow much like a cristian this ere porpis beeaves now, for look ere :— ** Tt will feed in the presence of visitors, and, as it will be observed, seizes the fish by the middle and then jerks it down head foremost.” Not as jerkin a Fish down head fomost is the Way a cristian wood heat im, but if so be as i was Treted e the Porpas his with spratts and heels and errins and whitening, wooden’t I feed in the Presens of Wisiters too ! “ His or her name (for we do not know the sex) is ‘ eta,’ and the beast appa- rently erect a proper dinner-bell.” the whistle (the signal for dinner) of the keeper : we are going to Werry oe indede Hand if it was me i shood reddily hanser the p so of ,~ and spratts hevery day partic ‘earn’t contane my felins — i thinks of the high er sprats ho i ham so fond of em boath fride in wich case i’ve eerd of some as should call em the witebate of the Lower Horders and hallso baked in winegar which they are Butifal. Bucxtanp ain’t quite certing about the cex of the Porpuss, but as to my cex there ain’t no mistake, no dere mister punch, i’me a poor old washerooman, and my name is Sudbrook Mews, Jan., 1865. MarTHa. A PLEASANT SITUATION. Piry the poor farmers, kind and charitable reader. Their pockets | must be sadly empty, else we surely should not see such an advertise- ment as this :— A GOVERNESS WANTED, in a farmhouse, to instruct eight pupils (mostly boys) in the usual branches of education, with French, good music, and arithmetic. None need apply but those who have been engaged in schools, and | Salary 20 cui have good references. The terms offered in this farmhouse really are in-farmous. Twenty guineas a-year for the instruction of eight pupils! This is precisely at the rate of two pounds twelve and sixpence " education may be deemed to be the “usual” ones, the governess who is wanted is at liberty to guess. We dare say they comprise English German, Greek, and Latin ; geography and history; astronomy and botany; drawing, dancing, and deportment, with Hebrew, Sanscrit, and the uses of the dumb-bells, and the globes. For twenty guineas, too, the governess ouse must teach figures, French and guineas. Address, &c. in this figures, and will doubtless be réquired to give a lesson now and then in | How many branches ‘of | conchology or chemistry to fill ‘wp her spare time. How many hours a | day will be required to teach eight pupils some slight smattering of all | this we will not stop to think. But we may just make the reflection | that the governess who occupies this farmhouse situation would | certainly have got more wages and less work if she had luckily gone out as a_lady’s maid or cook. Tue Worst Winter Fur.—Chinchilli. ¢*¢

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 28, 1865

ee ————= ww - —- ae = “a ¢ <—S. VG: — ™ QUI S’ACCUSE S’EXCUSE.' Sporting Gent (to Frenchman, who has been going very creditably). ‘‘ Have a Cigar, Mussoo ; nasty PurL you aor aT THAT DOUBLE FENCE.” Plucky Gaul. “ Ow, tr vos NossInc—you SEE—VEN SHE JOMP EASY—I AM—MAIS VEN SHE JOMP SO ’aRD, I Do nor R-REM-aIN!”

THE PAPAL AGGRESSION ON EUROPE. | OUTRAGE ON A HERALD. | Mr. Atrrep Tennyson was said to have been created a Baronet. The Editor of Debrett's Peerage is authorised to contradict the state- Noste Montatempent, I should not choose, ment. We saw no particular objection to the creation, unless it was Pious and generous as thou art, my buck, that it might have made the other Baronets too proud; but there are a To be, just at this moment, in those shoes | few among them who are worthy of such an associate as the Laureate. r boots of thine. Art thou not thunderstruck, | The poet does not accept the title, and there is anend. But we have (To M. pe MontTaLemBeEst.) Crushed by the monstrous bolt which Rome’s old man ;one remark to make. An indignant person, who seems to have set Has fulminated from the Vatican ? the report about, is very angry with the Debrett Editor for having con- : , 4 | tradicted it, and speaks of his work as an “obscure peerage.” Now, Doctrines of faith, our reason which transcend, | this is presuming tob far upon the hideous ignorance of an ill- d We swallow easily enough, on trust, | Most people, even Railwaymen and Guardsmen, must have heard of Can statements, which we cannot understand, / Tom Moors, and some even of these must have read the lines— Believe that we believe, when told we must ; | But conscience, with the sense of right and wrong, | “‘ Lament, lament, Sir Isaac HEarp, ' Put mourning round th e, Debrett, And facts, are for Authority too strong. For here lies rk who phe panna Immaculate Conception is a thing madi ate padi py Which may or may not be, for aught we know. In the name of the heraldry of literature, Mr. Punch protests against The Pore decrees it. If he’s Heaven’s Vice King, | the impertinence of calling any book obscure which has been immor- Then he is right ; of course it must be so. 'talised in one of Mz. Taomas Moore’s epigrams, and we regret that No mortal, who reveres the Papal Hat, spite should have made anybody, even a rival Editor, forget his Table of Would split with it on such a point as that. | Precedence. A Herald’s person was always reverenced, and it may be | observed that 1 itch i : , BEI ARR DES LS observe at we ourselves never pitch into the Morning Herald. | Noblesse oblige. Free talk, and print, and liberal government, . Can you, against conviction, bow to them, Whence you ’re a heretic if you dissent ? Sad Want of Originality. Do you believe his last new dogmas true, A on te thn Misi MontaLempert? and if not, where are you ? CCORDING to the olar:— “As many as 183 original cases appear on the list of ithe Divorce Court for hearing, besides 27 standing over by the consent of parties.” Suppen Conversion.—A gentleman who went to the Haymarket | | Ociging cases on the list of the Divorce Court? Are all these cases Theatre a decided partisan of the North, came away an out-and-out indeed original? We fear not. We are afraid the most of them are Sotherner. ' still the same old, old story.

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January 28, 1865.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON; CHARIVARL. 39 IMAGINARY BIOGRAPHY. COCKER. Ir would be a, suitable. problem for. the. Statistical Society to solve the question, how. many of the adult j her colonial dependencies. pass. their lives. without using the formula, “ According to CocKER.” : And yet so little is known. of the man whose name is on every one’s lips, and who figures in books innumerable, that his life, which deserves to be written in num! may be ssmmed up in a paragraph. Conscious of: the. importance of ie subject, Mr. Punch directed one of his private secretaries to apply to a series of distinguished per- sonages who, by their tastes and pursuits, were thought qualified to be Mr. Cocxek’s Biographer; but: without suecess. We epitomise a few of their answers :— The CHANCELLOR OF THE Excuequer. (N.B. Figures of speech omitted.) Busy concocting his annual Easter ofexing to the nation. Not a fraction of his timeunemployed. Still will do his best, but it would be a great tax upon him, The “tale of Troy” has nothing to do with weights and measures. (The notion of taxing GLapsTowe was almost irresistible ; but we mastered the temptation, and set his mind at rest by telegraphing to exeuse him.) Ba Mr. Bassace. Not sufficiently recovered from the organic disease by which he has long been ground down. ‘ime, he hopes, will put a stop to it. The Calculating hine at our service. (The latter part of the note irrelevant, suggesting, as it does, Bass’s Straits as a proper settlement for street musicians. Bisnor Corexso. Total re . Deaf as an adder to all our entreaties. Tired of division. Writes to us on his Watal day. Mr. Bantine (negotiated with on account of what he had done for figures) Pants to be of use, but not arithmetician enough to undertake the task. Only cares for reduction and proportion. Signs himself “Yours through thick and thin.” vi : : Davenport Brotugrs. Too busy raising the wind to raise. T: Cocxsr, to be his own accountant. And so on, not to maltioly examples, ad infinitum. Fa ing remained, there’ but to collect. materials for a life of OCKER m the books of the Bank of Kngland (they would not allow a single note to be taken), the Accountant-General, the Institute of prea oe. that daha robo of gratitude to its great arithme- tician might be at ise ' But the product of these researches was not commensurate with the ar. sum total was but little. A letter (in cipher) was dis- covered in a cupboard in the Bank parlour, giving a few particulars of CockEr’s early years. It will not surprise his admirers to hear that he “ lis: in numbers;” and that as soon as he could walk, with the help of the chairs, he showed a remarkable fondness for “ tables.” The schoolboy. is oe distinctly before us. The studious lad squaring his roots, while his young companions are squaring their fists; deep in trigonometry. es deat. to the pop-guns going off on all sides of him ; rring alligation to the charms of alley taws; and pat: hn. hc = hounds for tare and tret. Some lines of his are 0 which we are glad to have in their original dress, as they had become hopelessly corrupted :— ** Multiplication Brings elation ; vision makes me glad ; The rule of three, It comforts me ; And Practice suits this lad.” * Di wanting ; and as there was no census at the period when CockEr is sup to have been born, and no one is able to insense us as to the probable year of his birth, it is impossible to say when so important a unit was added to the population, or whether he was vaccinated, and to hat political party his parents belonged. The same uncertainty mists as to his calling or profession. Some assert that he was factor, others describe him as being a schoolmaster : all agree that he vas a man of singular modesty, too prone to hide his light under a ushel, and too indifferent to his own interest, though of a calculating + % take care of number one. Give him an inch and he will take HOMAS was, the last proverb that could be applied to unobtrusive Cocksr, Why ‘ pparent, unless we posed he led a secluded life for several years is not have a key to the mystery in the arithmetic he is to have been then compiling. There jis less obscurity about s domestic life. It was not a happy one. The truth must be told: 1s own house CocKER was a mere cipher. His first wife was a lady good extraction, being the daughter of a dentist, of an old but ayed family. Somewhat stumpy in figure, she had acerbities of emper so trying, that her husband did not hesitate to speak of her when out of pearing) 8 acockatrice. Indeed, he confessed that she ould have driven him to drink, but that his scruples would not let im take a dram. She was succeeded by the widow of a watchmaker, ho had died of tie-douloureux; one of those methodical persons in pulation of Great Britain and | * The letter is from a correspondent at Cockermouth, but the date is |" woman, she brought Cocker rather a handsome fortune. So much so, that in his joking way, he would say of her, that if she was ill-favoured, she had “a ting balance” at the.bank. Poor fellow! it was a balance of power which she used so mercilessly, that he often deplored bartering his happiness for it. “I used to sigh for her,” he would cast up his eyes, and say, “ but now I sigh for myself.” The exchange to freedom came at last, and Cocker never risked his liberty again, convinced that the rule of three would be more than he could bear. Ahead of the times in which he lived, he held that ~ decimal coinage would be a sovereign remedy for many of our monetary perplexities, but that it was ten to one against its adoption. After carefully weighing and balancing the argu- ments a, by ie sire O were. in league inst all change, and could see neither rhyme nor reason in the metrical s he laughed to scorn their prediction that if applied to wei measures, it must lead to an insurrection, or at involve a strike. Fond as he was of book-keeping, he does not; seem to, have amassed a library, and the only indication of any sporti to be traced in his life is the interest he took in Le(d)ger lover of Smax- SPEARE, he preferred Measure for Measure to, all the other plays. CockER was a social being: “ Homo ” he ‘y say, and even when in a of troubles, he *what he con- on edition to the Saintes of alll catdieit. an on iness of others. igit- alis. The business 3 his life, and the character, are well summed up in the two words on his tombstone in Nine Elms Ch (ADVERTISEMENT) NO MORE TAXES NOR ANY ORHER MEDICUIE.' DR, JOHN BRIGHT, Fellow of Birminghy decries wi ie pu einai Shee ease PRANGHISE PELE, This. inestimabl ii t. whiel ' ii iby D Brieut after of rssrche i unbesitatingty 3. and twenty years announced by him as a Certain Cure for physical, ment moral, social, and political. It is — the most childish person may use it without dffficulty, and it is warranted to abolish (among thousands of other ailments) the following afflictions :-— Taxes, War, Bad Eggs, Corns, | Pimples, Primogeniture, Law-suits, Paseyism, Gout, Tnundations, Christmas-boxes, Earthquakes, Disaffection, Class. Tyegislation, semails, Poverty, Small Pox, Blank Verse Plays, P ing, Fees to Box-k sae Tooth-ache, The Irish Church, Hare-lips, Whiggist Drinking, Homicnda, Dyspeps' Diplomacy, aymarket Scandals, Parochial Raton pre Brothers, | Ministerial. Explana- i OSs tere Sotiong Maps sions, ne ; Guinbeils, Tasos deepsd: Genels” | Covesie Semaagenn, um ‘ Gallo Sensation Novels, i lurnpikes, Protestant § Ascen- | Classic Quotations, Street Organs, | dency, East, Winds, Smoky Chimneys, Orange Peel on Pave-| Black-balling; en Be my eee ealln g, avies, ishops, , Cireumlocution, ions, Stomach-ache, With numerous other-misfortunes, Testimonials may be. seen af the office of the New York Herald, the Birmingham Bellower, the Finsbury Firebrand, the Rochdale Roarer, the ye sd Maunderer, and other leading journals, Neatly done up in Baxor-Boxzs, and shortly, it is. hoped, to be sold under the Government Stamp.—Price, a whole Hog. HOW TO UTILISE THE IRISH. Says Mr. Wenpett Patixirs, in a lecture at New York :— “ When we would mapjthe Continent with 30,000 miles of railroad, we. buried five millions of Irishmen under the sleepers.” So the sleepers in America have had Irish wakes attached to them! * Slee cd ate! es eysing at Exeter Hall) And how many more Irishmen, eh, ILLIPS, you bury in Continent before you have mappéd it out anew by the extinction of the hose honse e goes. on like clockwork, A plain-featured Southerner? You sow a pretty crop of them in every field of battle. In fact, your fields of battle may be looked upon as Paddy-fields,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 28, 1865, ‘ES AYA AMA) ~ \ iy YUBNATANAL ayy ~~ bi Uj WW : ° CANNIBALISM, BY JOVE!! ~ AND IN THE VERY HEART OF LONDON. WHO’S HICKSON ? Weve heard of Hervey, T.K.H., — wie Lat HerwortH pam Oo e’ve of Ditxe, we ’ve heard But who is Mr. Hickson ? sah Complaining folks play teks © mp! icks on The sacred fame of theor Cone ; But who the deuce is Hickson ? ar ote for justice in the tone angry vixen, But, right or wrong, the question is Who is this Mn Hickson ? We’ve read a rustic prophet’s works, Who bore the name of Nixon, He wrote uncommon nonsense, too, Is he the same as Hickson ? He testifies for Cone and Dike, As parties we should fix on For all the honours in the world— Who testifies for Hickson ? The fact that he ’s an awful pump, . We’Il bet sixteen to six on, Are any takers found to take This sporting bet on Hickson ? No takers? Pitch his letter on The literary mixen : There let it he till some one comes And tells us who is Hickson, And nobody will feel surprise When Nobodies feel kicks on— The instant ther peceume to teach The world; hike Mr. Hickson. Tae Lanrcest Importation oF Jzsuit’s Bark INTO THIS COUNTRY EVER KNOWN.—The Porz’s Encyclical and \its Appendix. JOHN BULL'S SISTERS. No Popery can be objected to the ladies undermentioned in an extract from the Times :— “ Byevise. Sisters or CHARITY.—The Sisters of St. Peter's Home and Sisterhood 27, Brompton Square, have for some years been actively engaged, with the entire sanction of the op oF Lonpon, in visiting the sick and relieving the r in all parts of the m On Wednesday, the 28rd ult., they opened a Mission House, at 10, Frederick Walworth, to carry out their charitable purposes in the district of St. Paul's, Square.” The entire sanction, not only of the Bisnor of Lonpoy, but even of Exeter Hall, would naturally be given to the occupation of visiting the sick, and affording relief to the poor. Such employment cannot be supposed to have any special relation to the Seven Hills, and does not at all connect the ladies who are engaged in it with any lady in Babylon and scarlet. The fact that the charity which they practise is a cardinal virtue, is quite consistent with their entire independence of CaRDrInaL ISEMAN; for, otherwise, it would have only the partial, and not the entire, sanction of the BisHor of Lonpon, who, of course, would limit his sanction of charity administered under the auspices of his Eminence, to the distribution of coals, blankets, clothes, victuals, and drink, and other corporeal matters. Exeter Hall, therefore, need not fear that whilst the English Sisters of Charity distribute bodily necessaries, they also distribute any spiritual superfluities,—their spiritual ministrations ex- tending to nothing worse than good brandy, rum, and gin, too needful in many cases. This sort of practical Christianity cannot be carried on without money; without which there is very little good to be done, how much soever there may be wished, in this world, and benevolence is nearly all talk and sentiment. But the Sisters depend entirely on voluntary contributions, and, as the Zimes says :— “* They therefore make an appeal ‘for assistance to those charitable persons who desire to relieve the miseries of London, but who are unable themselves to search - — really needy and deserving. Contributions of money, food, or clothing will received at the Mission House, or by the Rev. Joun Goina, the incumbent of the district.” There are plenty of people who enjoy the unspeakable blessing of an ample and certain income, derived from capital invested in Government securities, or freehold land, or other safe property. These pene must, all but those who have a very dreadful skeleton in their cup s, beso happy, that any increase of their happiness can be hardly possible. They can amuse and enjoy themselves every day of their lives without any necessity to take thought for the morrow, or any day thereafter, but the final one. | — anything which would tend to reassure them about that, might add to even their extreme felicity. If there is | any such thing which they can do, it is to be done, for example, by sending as much aid as they can afford in money or kind to the Sisters of Charity, or Mr. Gorne, LOCKE ON THE UNDERSTANDING. Mr. Pounce observes the following advertisement in a Berkshire | paper :— } HALKCLIFFE HOUSE ACADEMY.—Mr. SMITH begs respect: | fully to thank his friends and the 1 ages for the patronage hitherto conferred | on him, and trusts by a strict attention to the welfare and imprisonment of those Pupils committed to his care to secure a continuance of the same. | he School will re-open on Monday. It is matter of complaint that plain Eaaieh is not taught in many of our schools, but that objection can hardly be raised in the present | instance, as no English can be much plainer than the above. The | advertiser may even be thought to err in excess of frankness, but, perhaps, like many other people, he may be indebted to the printer for making his compositions more explicit than the writer himself a We have pleasure in conserving this curiosity of advertising iterature. iF OLD SAYING (BY OUR OWN DETECTIVE). | ProreEssionat Thieves are notoriously dense, hence the proverbial | expression, “ Zhick as Thieves.” | CuassicaL Errtarn on a Coox.—Vir Pie et Taties Gravies. |

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i a | | really worth i = rhypeeg te A ge spestowed in selecting his origin Janvan¥ 28, 1865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. 41 MR.[PUNCH’S HANDY-BOOK OF THE STAGE. CHAP. VIIIL—THE FIRST OLD MAN, HE Actor who plays this line| F of business should be cau- tioned against putting up with an inferior part, be- » Cause it happens to be the best Old Man in the piece. > There is, or ought to be, a} br: * second old man” in every properly constituted com- pany, whose business it is to play all the old men’s parts you do not think good enough for you. The French rule is, that Y the first old man is bound to take the best old man’s ma in every piece acted. ‘he melancholy conse- quence of this tyrannical rule is, that in France we often see excellent actors of old men going on for parts of a few lengths, figuring perhaps only in a single scene, and yet—such isthe effect of that submission to central authority which per- meates everything in that country, from the Tuileries to the smallest suburban theatre —dressed and made up as carefully for such a part, and taking just as much pains with it, as if it were one to say, the audience do not indignantly pro talent, but take it quite as a matter of course, é Authors, I need hardly say, having once been conceded to in this way will expect, and even insist upon the saerifice, unless firmly met at the outset. It will be a sad day for the Bnglish stage, when we come to see pieces cast, not with reference to the Actor’s position, but with an exclusive regard to effective representation. I introduce these remarks apropos of the “ first old man,” because there is no other line of business in which there is such a disposition among Authors and Managers to thrust second-best business on leading shoulders, the “‘old man” sang mane the chief figure in the picture, and it being, of course, the object of these persons to strengthen the cast, without any regard to the Actor’s feelings. In fitting yourself to play old men, do not lose your time in studying the bewildering varieties of age which you will see about you. To such a study there would be no end, and the result of it would merely be a refleetion of what everyhody can see without. paying for it. Tnstead of thus distracting and distressing yourself, determine, early, what eminent Actor, of old men you will imitate, and study his. manner, make up, looks, gestures and peculiarities. You will find helps to such study among the conscientious. preservers of stage tradition in theatrical clubs, Bow Street taverns, and Covent Garden cigar-divans, as well as among the old actors or hangers-on of country theatres, am whom a wealth of such traditionary. lore. is stil hoarded. Books of biography. and theatrical prints, will also do mueh for you; and few places of theatrical resort but boast of an imitator, who will be, still able to give you a picture of Dowzon or Saxunts RaRReN or SPRICKLAND, a5, well as of the favourites of the our, ‘Having thus. chosen your model, according to your taste, or physique, stick to it. If Tm have a tall slender figure, with a turn for the quiet and gentlemanlike, can make up clean, and afford a good modern wardrobe, the late Mr. W. Farran. will, of course, be your model. ou will carefully cultivate the trick of his thin, high voice, his gentle- anlike walk, his little chuckle, the delicate action of his hand. One Hifficulty in imitating this Actor arises from the subtlety of his imperso- nations and his great economy of resources, in which he approached fangerously near .the French ideal. It is sadly to be feared that he asted much time in the observation of real life, and was refined to a angerous degree. But we need not dwell on these blemishes, in speak- ng of one, who, in spite of such faults, was still an artist. Besides, as ou have only to copy his copy, you will escape all the labour he e ; als from life; and any over-refinement, br under colouring with which he may have been chargeable, you will, of course, remove in your copy. Tf you are of a more ‘burly person, with a fuller voice, and a more blunt and jovial turn of humour, approaching to the true John Bull ype, you will avoid Farren, and imitate BARTLEY. f unctuous humour be your forte, Dowron is your model ; though the traditions of him, it is to be feared, are waxing rather faint. Lackily, SraickLanp is still completely within living memory, and good imftations of him may still be easily met with, and may replace those of Dowton. W. Bennett may also be referred to, as, in some points, the continuer down to our times of the hard and jerky school of ‘AWCETT. You will, of course, study the peculiarities of dress most affected by your model. It is to be feared that in no line of business is the modern itch for realism and dangerous imitation of actual life making more rapid and visible strides than in the “old men.” The low-crowned, broad- immed hat, so long invariably worn by the elderly merchant, banker, or Sonne gentleman, is disappearing. Neck-cloths are diminishing in volume, length of ends, and eccentricity of tie. The long-established a aaa are seriously threatened. The loyal adhesion to the costume of the or Bs of Gzore tHe THrRn’s reign, which formerly expected of all old men, is now broken without apol actor’s part, or protest on that of the public, Top-boots are ming as rare in the theatre as in real life; and even the traditional bailiff, if ever introduced, is represented in a common paletot, trousers, and high-lows, instead of the square-cut, broad. ‘ red waistcoat, breeches, and mahogany tops, which properly belong to the. character. The old man of the is, ind outwardly in. of sinking down into a copy of the old man of real life ; es ily, the tradition of the theatre preserves those venerable traits of stage manners, voice, walk, action, which abundantly distinguish the old man ofthe playhouse from the old man of society, even though their husks imate. Thanks to it, the stage old man, whatever he laaks the, ben only to speak and move (in nine cases out of ten), for us to feel that in this line of business. “realism,” if it have won the outworks, has not yel pene- trated to the heart of the citadel. The traditional “ make-up” of the old man helps to give him this symbolical character. One has heard absurd stories of the length of time and elaborate study employed by Freuch actors of old men in colouring and making up their , aS yy a the Actor’s countenance was a canvas, on hich a particular face had to be painted, : Our theatre dispenses with this minute and slavish labour. Every Actor of old men can acquire in a few nights’ observation and practice the art of putting on the recognised wrinkles and crows’-feet which belong to this line of business. : ; Having mastered these, he will take as much care to avoid comparison of his own face with those of living old men as Don Qutzote did to avoid putting his second vizor to test of sword-stroke, after having ruined the first by a rash trial-blow. ° Such comparison would be sure to confuse, and might even put you out Sf conceit with yourself—a thing carefully to be avoided by every Actor, and especially oY the Actor of old men, as he is obliged, unfor- tunately, to renounce the hope of looking lovely, and cannot go in for lady-killing. A FRULY GREAT CATCH. (MATRIMONIAL. ) Tu, Advertiser is a young man enjoying great personal ady; es, and the still greater advantage of immense wealth bequeathed to him by arich uncle. He is anxious to devote the whole. of his property to the one sole purpose of making a beautiful creature happy. This young man, ay Me anxious & se ape 5 a matrimonial parry with sore ce) y whose personal attractions are very . whose te of enjoyment is unbounded. He wishes to share the affluence }iecu which he has oo Mloseed —_ ~ om : presiqnalel fond | ress, an eapecially iamonds and other ewellery, Fle wou like her to devote the whole of her attention to the decoration of her person, and would wish to see her spend the greater part of the day in trying on things, and contemplating herself in the looking-glass, or rather in the pier-glasses which he would take care to provide for her use. She would please him most by going every evening to balls and concerts, or the opera, and doing her utmost to outshine everybody in the room or the theatre. He would have her enthusiastically devoted to dancing, and delighted to ride about in a carriage, with a splendid coachman in front, and two magnificent footmen behind, she herself being attired in the extreme of fashion. When occasionally indisposed, he would be glad for her to insist on sping to the sea-side, and lodging in the first hotel there, and he would be delighted by her making him take her, every now and then, to Paris, Baden-Baden, Homburg, or Rome. For farther particulars apply at 85, Fleet Street. N.B. Mutual qualifications or acquirements not necessary. No taste for mes A required, nor any love of music, beyond what is strictly fashionable. A Trouty Apmrrasie Cratcuton.—Our acquaintance inclades a very handsome young man. His pendant is on @ par with his personal appearance, and he carefully files all his love-lettens. .

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | lll r \\£ HUMAN NATURE. Ferocious Mistress, “ Cook, THIS 18 THE THIRD TIME YOU’HAVE SENT UP THE JomnT Raw THIS WEEK, AND YOUR MasTER IS MUCH DISPLEASED! I MUST REALLY ENTREAT OF YOU, IN FUTURE, TO—TO——” (Awful pause.) Cook, “ Au, I szz! You’vE BEEN WEXED IN THE PARLOUR, AND SO YOU COMES AND WENTS IT ON ME IN THE KITCHEN.” HARMONY IN THE KIRK. | THERE are two points on which the generality of Scotchmen are as daft as they are canny in all other respects. They labour under a delu- sion with regard to Sunday, which they call the Sabbath, and entertain an insane objection to instrumental church music, whence they name an organ “a kist fu’ o’ whistles.” Aweel, but Sunda; trains, in modera- tion, run through the Land o’ Cakes; and the subjoined extract, from the Scotsman, is evidence of a Scottish organ movement, which is also extending therein, and must be acknowledged to be a movement in the right direction :— “ With regard to the fitting up of an organ in the new church at Ayr, a meeting was held on Thursday evening, when it appeared that 261 members of the church were in favour of the introduction of an organ, 73 were against, and about 100 were the Committee, with the view of obtaining complete neu some ion, harmony, resolved to delay further action in the matter until after the next meeting of the eral Assembly.” This is good, as far as it goes, but what follows is better :— “ Anderston new church, Glasgow, was opened on Sunday for public worship- .... An excellent organ has been fitted up in the building, and was used during service on Sunday, Mr. Lamsets acting as o: ist. A choir, under the superin- tendence of Mr. StemBrince Ray, has also m formed in connection with the congregation.” In ‘Anderston new church, Glasgow, the establishment of an organ has not only been proposed, but actually effected. Now, so it should be in the new church at Ayr, and so it must be if the Committee of that church are to accomplish the end which they proposed in delaying farther action in that matter. Scotchmen understand the force of words, and will understand us when we tell them, that the immediate fitting up of an organ is the best method of obtaining complete ony. Tae JupmEer.—Henceforth the on ily Jew permitted by the Pors to reside within the Roman precincts will be the Jew-Billy. CHRONOLOGY AND CHARITY. Tue very best of Almanacks of course is Punch’s Almanack, which, il as wg njen keopes is indispensable to everybody, and which nobody | who is anybody, can fail, therefore, to possess. Next to this may be | commended the Dramatic Almanack, which, with other highly ‘inter- | esting intelligence, contains a fair amount of theatrical astrology, and | tells the rising and the setting of several stage-stars. It gives a date also | to numerous theatrical events which are worthy to rne in mind, || such as the original invention of the butter-slide in pantomimes, and , the first introduction of the hot poker by the Clown. All lovers of the | theatre should buy this little Al , not merely it is worth ! the sixpence that it costs, but because the — of its sale are added | to the funds of the Royal Dramatic College, a charity which well || deserves whatever is subscribed to it. Any dweller in Stoke-Pogis or |/ Stickton-in-the-Mud, who may find the local bookseller’without a copy |” of the work, had better write to Mr. Anson, of the Adelphi Theatre, and enclose a five-pound note for the benefit of the College, with a request that Mr. Anson, who is the author of the Almanack, should | just enclose a copy of it when, as treasurer of the College, he forwards q a receipt. Answers to Correspondents. The Pope’s N. Sickly Gal—You make a mistake concerning the’ origin of Peter’s Pence, as there is no such Saint in the Roman Calendar as Sin CoarLes BoRROWMONEYO. ; An Avenger. — What is Ultima Thule?” asks our Correspondent. She was a Princess of some extraction, born, when a child, of poor but honest parents, and spent the best part of her life in a vain endeavour to — the adverse factions. ~ MALIBRAN was sixteen.—Consult a solicitor. A Lows or tHe Law.—Donato’s leg. Printed William Bradbury, of No. 13, U Whuekione City of London, Printers, at t of London.—Sarurpay, January 28, }865. Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. P im the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett eir Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No. 9, Fleet Street, in the of No. 11, Bouverie Greens, to ee [January 28, 1865, | 4 1” Vi nae 2. a ee ae le Oe ee pi dh eee : ] ers crea eo oo.

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* ts = Fesruary 4, 1865.| PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 43 MUTUAL SATISFACTION. mn | lk | Yi | H i Bilious Old Uncle. “I’M DELIGHTED TO SEE THIS FALL; IT WILL GIVE THAT DREADFUL Boy CHILBLAINS, AND HE’LL BE LAID UP OUT OF MISCHIEF.” | OccuPaTiIon oF “ THAT DREADFUL Boy” aT THE SAME PERIOD. | | It has been mentioned that Hoye was an old bachelor, a “ solitaire.” IMAGINARY BIOGRAPHY. | ut he had known “hazard.” Soon after he came of age (got a natural HOYLE. vingt-et-un, as he phrased it) a young damsel asked him if he “ pro- posed,” but this embarrassing =e. which gave him a flush, proved Wauew Hoy1z came into the world it was on the cards for him to | to have been put only in play, although it was Bissextile. Later on in lay the part of a deep diplomatist, a great general, a magnificent mil-| life he was within an ace of being caught by a lady who, from her ionnaire, a successful statesman, or any other character which requires | black eyes and brilliant complexion, was known among her acquaintances for its formation good judgment, skilful combination, an accurate | as “ rouge-et-noir;” but the fair pursuer showed her hand too early in memory, a serene temper, and some loose silver. But his destiny was the game, did not play her (court) cards well, and failed to establish different, and he did not run counter to his fate. He turned up a/her suit and herself. This escape happened at Cheltenham, for which reat whist player, a potent card ruler: green baize had greater charms | place Horie showed a great partiality, and where he enjoyed his or him than scarlet cloth, the trump of war he never heard—although | —— rubber with the resident Nabobs with whom he speedily curried he had many a sharp tussle with Mas. Barrie—the strategy and | favour. Yet he always spoke approvingly of the married state, and finesse he practised, the schemes and manceuvres he em — were | would say that he thought it the next best thing to being single. Good displayed, not in Courts and Camps, not on bourses and battle-fields | Judges, however, experienced matrons and spinsters of some standing, but in club-rooms and cosy parlours, at quadrille parties and card | declared that he had no heart, and called him “the most coldest that assemblies. The victories he won were gained in front of a coal-fire, | ever turned up ace. the honours fortune dealt him came in company with a pair of wax-| When his famous treatise appeared, it at once became so popular lights. that the phrase which has since been improperly diverted to sperm and Hovyz’s life presents a heap of contradictions, his character and | paraffin then first came into vogue, to distinguish those who studied conduct a string of oppositions; so much so as to have led some to | him early and late, and were therefore said “to consume the midnight think that he never had an existence, that he was nothing but a—| Hoyts. , dummy. A staunch Protestant, he was a stout adherent of “ Pope;” a| His end was a melancholy one. Short whist killed him. He first blazing Tory he knew “Pam,” and found him “ civil;” a determined | heard of the intruder when paying morning visit, went home to his bachelor he engaged in “ matrimony ;” innocent as a child, he delighted | lodgings (he was then wae. at Trumpington), took to his bed, and in “ intrigue,” and was fond of “ casino.” Fair and above-board in| never “called” again. In his wanderings he was heard to mutter, all his dealings, he was always at his tricks, and mixed up with shuffling | “double, double, toil and trouble;” and—for he loved music—to transactions; abstemious as a Coldstream Guardsman, he loved a| lament that he could never go to his glee and catch club again because “bumper ;” modest and retiring, he indulged in “ brag;” kind and| of the “trebles.” The ruling passion was dominant to the last; for affectionate, he had a horror of “love;” shy of the water, he liked| when inclined to make a new will, and discard a loose relative, his punting ;” dancing was his aversion, and yet he never refused an invi- | repugnance to revoke compelled him to renounce the idea. He had tation to a “ quadrille” party; he despised trade, but took to “ com-|a great funeral—many private carriages were in the procession ; amongst merce ;” put his savings in the three per cents, and lost by “ specula-| them those of the Eart or PererBorovcH, Count Boroxaski, Mason tion 3,, never stirred out of England, but was often seen at “ Loo”|A——, Mrs, Barriz, Cuartes Lams, and Roseat SHort, Esqures. and “‘ Macao,” and knew more about “ matadores ” than men who had : r, if in your r ou discover a mossy stone with this. brief yitnessed a hundred bull-fights at Seville, and studied tauromachy ieoigtiee—* . Peng ag rub Pr ruminate = Ao it when you take or years at Barcelona. your “ Cavendish,” and try to make as good a score as Hoye. , What did those who knew him say of him? That he was a rough “ee ga a ; : a spoke Bis ee) and eolied 0 spade spade; that he was the king of good fellows, and a re rump a satliaation 3 the club, and that he hated a knave as thoroughly as he did an Be vim Si cae Civilisation - z =e who was content to play whist for nothing. He had his weak points,| THE following is a recent piece of foreign intelligence :— his odd tricks. Cut and dried as he seemed, he showed a boyish relish} “ Farat Duei.—The Moniteur de la Meurthe announces that M. Pompuzan, 34 or a “ see-saw ;” so averse was he to changing his suit that he wore | years of age, veterinary surgeon of the 2nd Dragoons at Toul, has been killed in a his clothes until they were threadbare; and, like most of wa, “he | S08 By am clear of the extn megiment, nourished an satiosthy, not to babies, cats, or income-tax papers, but| Momiteur de la Meurthe? Surely this is a misprint. Should it not be to what one would call a harmless article of dress—a ruff. Moniteur de Meurtre ? VOL, XLVIII,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEsrvary 4, 1865. MR. PUNCH’S HANDY-BOOK OF THE STAGE. CHAP. IX.—THE LADIES. t creditably in the ore. or J amon e supers. ~ But there never yet was woman but she | to be was an actress. Unluckily, there are so many stages open to them, and such splendid rewards tempting them away from “the boards,” technically so called, that the theatre gets by no means its fair share of the enormous sum total of histrionic — distributed among the softer and sweeter sex; whose mission it is to wind the stubborner and stupider sex round their fingers. _ Perhaps it is this very excess of acting-power that makes many of our actresses—charming, fascinating irresistible as we know they are of the stage—disposed to be careless about’ their strictly professi ‘ormances. How can a Syren, who is acting every moment of her waking life out of the theatre, be expected to show unflagging spirit and sustained energy “before the float” as well? She is often, in fact, taking her rest in the presence of the public. They are not her true audience. It is not till she puts off her stage-clothes that she will y assume her part, and it is then we should see her, to judge what a great creature she ig is. 1 That is at once the best and the worst of female acting. It is, as a rule, so terribly real. A true woman wants to play Aer part in actual life, and is apt to undervalue the mimic world of the stage. But my business just now is only with her as a creature of that element. . I only introduce this tribute to her as an actress on a different scene, and in the more serious, if often more artificial, drama of real life, to show that I perfectly understand how small a part of the actress we should ever expect to see upon the boards of the theatre. . Two lines are open to the actress—I mean, in acting before the public. The one leads to bril- liant establishments, splendid presents, fine clothes, jewels, carriages, the popular incense of the crowd, and the more delicious worship of private adoration ; the other to the comparatively meagre and barren pay. wy of the artist, the esteem of that self-satisfied class of people known, to themselves, at least as “the judicious few,” the admiration of the units who set up for judges in matters of taste and fine art. Such fame as they can award by no means implies an accompaniment of solid pudding. That is‘oftener to be found by following the other road. If you take one of these lines, your exclusive object of consideration in acting—whatever your line of | calculated business—will be yourself, anal zene audience in its relation to yourself. If you take the other, you will have to think almost exclusively of your ’ ; dly say which of these two courses at once commends itself to the intelligent actress, who has charms of face or figure, or arts of attraction and secrets of coquetry, which are often so much more potent than mere beauty, She will, of course, think of herself and her audience first and most, and of her part last and least. . f : Remember that it is impossible to follow the two lines at once, and that having committed yourself to the one, you must frankly renounce the other. You will see, at once, the impolicy of distressing yourself by painful efforts to master the meaning of the words you have to deliver, or by an exhausting identification of yourself with the passion or emotion of your‘part. . Stage-art so conceived, is not only long, but infinitely laborious and fatiguing. It implies an employ- ment of your beauty, grace, and intelligence in the interest of egotistic authors, grasping managers, and an ungrateful public. Y ; You will constantly have to sacrifice considerations of costume, complexion, attitude ; and cannot hope to maintain that calmness and self-command which are essential to the proper display of personal charms, and the advantageous direction of the arts of feminine fascination. All this, I need hardly point out, is against your obvious interests as woman and actress, in the higher sense of the word, which takes in more than the theatre. I know few sadder Sentosa they are not common—than a | young actress carried awsy by the illusions of what she thinks High Art, studying hard at home; ; in the theatre, attentive at i docile and regular at rehearsals, allowing herself to be schooled by authors, and ordered about by stage-managers,—at night, throwing herself passionately into her , even to the forgetting of herself yt character, never thinking how her face or ) looks, or her voice sounds, but striving only to be the person, under whose name she figures in the cast. ing* this general direction, you will ays ask yo _ first, when a part is cast you, what is the prettiest dress you can wear in it? There is no harm in the dress being appropriate, provided it display your face and figure to advantage, but this it must do, and if appropriateness is ced to appearance, you will, of course, sacrifice it, supposing the chatee of costanne to be ~ self, e management find your dresses, take care to show them that the one condition of your making the public in love with you—which, after is bringing grist to ‘heir mill as as yours,—is that you shall be in | love with yourself, which, of course, | zon enna be expected to be in a | you don’t like. Of course you will master the indis- | pensable arts of the bones and banjo- | playing, and nigger singing and | dancing. T . These make up so much of the humour of modern burlesque— the best field for the display of femi- nine arfs and graces —that without them you will find yourself sadly ham- pered at every stage of your career. Cultivate the seductive resources of affectation. It is all nonsense to say men dislike them. They don’t. Acquire the most provocative tricks of attitude, those I mean which are to bring out your best points of face and figure. ’ Lay in a battery of provocative looks, saucy or das may suit your style. Fost ; Train your voice to be luscious, or plaintive, or smart and brazen, accord- ing to.the line of business nature and reflection dictate to you. Even the most “mannish ” vocabulary of slang and fastness may be made irresistible in a rosy young mouth. If you are pretty, these matters will come easy, but if is when’you are plain, that you may best show your » The ainest ire th e est woman acquire the trick of fascination. If she can once persuade herself she is pretty, there are always ways and means of making the public believe it too. : Look out early for an influential friend closely connected with the left to your- | te ketes oO Oe St oD

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=) = pe ePewewwwiweTs YL” Fesrvary 4, 1865.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. anagement, if possible, though “a swell” out of the theatre may also be onal highly useful. t will be his duty to espouse your quarrels, keep down your rivals, and generally look after your interests. Acquire the control of the ladies’ wardrobe, and see that all the other women are sed as unbecomingly as possible. If you properly use your female arts, you may retain an empire once acquired, whether over your Manager or your public, for an indefinite The best thing you can do, for this purpose, is to fet the Manager’s head under your slipper. By this means you will become, in fact, r; and the poor creature, who bears the title, will be only your “ minister with a portfolio.’ : *s When you have got your Manager in this position, have no mercy ou a this is far better than becoming Manager yoursélf in name as well as | of your career. in fact. You will have no risk, no responsibility, and all the real Fae secrets of success, you will early study the arts of wer. Paring attained this point, your career ought to be easy, by atten- tion to a few simple rules. : Be careful not to give a chance to any woman who can possibly become your ri : Indeed it may be as well to say, do not give a chance to any of your sex, as it is impossible to say in what woman a rival may not crop up. to this end take care that no other actress in the theatre has a good part, on any pretext. — Tf one of them insidiously makes a good part out of a bad one, by her acting, have her taken out of it on the first opportunity. time. Remember, that no actress who respects herself and understands her business, ever grows old. Nuivon pg L’Encios charmed at eighty, and MADEMOISELLE Mans left the stage at sixty, in the part she made | upon him. The more tyrannical you are, the more pliant you will find a début in a girl of six! “HE pou have a male relative available for this purpose, he may find em opeae You will course cu the critics. However inaccessible to venal influences of the vulgar and obvious kind, few men can resist the flatteries and attentions of a clever woman, and nobody can object to your keeping open house for those who are kind enough to sit in judgment on your performances. You will take care at all times to supply of bouquets in readiness, and the machinery for calls to be worked between the Acts, and at the fall of the Catsin. teen. therefore, go on playing the parts you began with to the end in superintending the “ poster” de cultivate amicable and confidential relations with have intelligent friends in front, a SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. Inemnc the “ Turf Notes” of the Morning Star, the sporting warbler chanteth that two horses, called— “ Breadalbané and Broomielaw, said to have been for £11,000 by Henry Cuapuin, of the well-known firm of CHAPLIN AND . Horws, are exciting most interest.” The writer might as well have ad that the famous horses have been urchased for Essks. CHAPLIN AND Hornz’s vans, > which will hence- forth race through the streets more tremendously than before. It would not be quite true, but then there is a slight absence of accuracy in the original story, the fortunate owner of the anunals being no connec- tion whatever of the Van Demons, but being a vast Lincolnshire proprietor. We may add, as it has no bearing whatever upon the subject, that Broomzelaw is Blair Athol s uncle, and Breadalbane is Blair Athol’s brother, and was nursed by a noverca, in consequence of the touching dentise of his mamma, poor Blink-Bonny. We do not speculate at present whether the Marquis or Hastines’s horse, Zhe Duke, will win the Derby, or whether Mr. Cuariuy wishes him to do so. Our friend and fellow Radical, the Star, is usually so right about everything not affecting America or Mr. Bricut, that he can afford to be told to put the saddles on the right horses. Mr. Punch’s omniscience rectifies all errors. at a blessing he is to the World! PROFESSOR PUNCH’S DREAM-BOOK. LUCKY DREAMS. To dream of nothing is lucky. ee To dream that you have written all Mz. Turrer’s works (and on’waking to find you hayen’t) is very lucky. : : . To dream, only to dream, that you’ve committed a capital crime, is luacky—for UNLUCKY DREAMS. To dream that,.in a fearful shipwreck, you have been hurled upon a sharp rock, and to awake to a sense of your position on the floor, is unlucky. To dream of goblins, villains of the deepest dye, assassins, daggers, and such things as utterly destroy your rest, is decidedly unlucky. — To keep on dreaming and awaking five times in a night is unlucky. To dream that you are fighting for your life with wild bears, and to find yourself hitting your wife on the head with a bolster, is unlucky, very unlucky. To dream that yee set ang « long and powerful address to a jury and to deliver the same oratorieally, is me | for any one who happens to be in the same room ing to go to sleep. wits : SIGNS. To dream that are in a land of golden apples and silver roses, witht Sowels and diamonds sparkling on’ the trees, and Oe ao ne ae ee being, Son thet a eRe yuu the br se fiene "Ve seen Transformation of a Pantani To that some one has given you two hundred million thousand pounds, seven shi and six- peneé halfpénny, is a very good sign that you are dreaming. To dream that you are being tried for something or other, what it is nobody in Court, including the Judge, seems to know, and that you are about to be hung for it, whatever it is, (at which point you awake'with a start), is a poy good sign that you’ve lately been reading the Old Bailey and Police Reports. .To dream that you were sitting in a room which is very like your own drawing-room, only not exactly it, and there met your cousin Tom, only it wasn’t quite your cousin Tom, but rather taller, or paler, or younger, and that he suddenly seemed ,to jump up in the air, and point all at the same moment to a black monkey, at least something like a monkey, only with a lion’s tail, climbing up the bell-rope, which appeared to be hanging from the centre of the ceiling, and that, all at once, you found yourself in a large open square with a box of ines and a trombone, which you wanted to clean, but couldn’t on account of the cobbler’s wax in the mouth-piece, and that somehow the trombone e your cousin Tom again, who insisted upon your swallowing a box of gelatine pry. ae because they were iced on p for you, and that then some one, coming from somewhere, asked you to get inside, and you don’t know how it was, but you found yourself in a cab, when just as the driver banged the door, you awoke—to have dreamt all this, is a sign that you’ve muddled up a jolly lot of things in your h and it is to be hoped you are rather clearer when awake. ae To dream that you are condemned by the Inquisition, and that heavy weights are being placed, by way of tor- ture, on your chest, is a sign that youve probably gone to bed directly after supping on cold beiled pork. To dream that you are going rapidly from the top to the bottom of a lofty flight of stairs, without any legs under you, is a sign that you require a little medicine. To anything is a sure sign that you are asleep. Nore ror tHe Lyceum.—M. Fecurer is probably aware that Lemaitre played the part of Robert Macaire in a devil-may-care manner. A Recent Tetecram.— Shanghai, Dec, 9. Gray shirt- ings unchanged.” — What dirty people they must be in China!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fepruary 4, 1865. Se a d\ = ~ en \! THE CHARMS OF “SOCIETY.” ProsieM :—GIVEN, THE ABOVE SKETCH, REPRESENTING A LOT OF PEOPLE ENJOYING THEMSELVES :—FIND OUT, BY THEIR DEMEANOUR : ist. Toe Para aND Mamma WHOSE DAUGHTER IS PLAYING A VERY LONG CrassicaL Prece oF Mosic. 2np. THE PaPa AND MAMMA WHO WANT THEIR DAUGHTER TO BE PLAYING INSTEAD. BISMARCK’S SAUCE FOR THE GANDER. An me, my Prussian Parliament, Your swelling words fall flat, Oh where, oh where is Bockum Do rs, The Hero of the Hat! In vain the talk of RetcHEnsPere, The protest of Grazow, Here ’s Bismarck laughs your threats to scorn, And you have to Kotow! Alas! the day when you allowed, O’er Freedom’s scent unerring, The Ministerial whips to drag. The Schleswig-Holstein ong i Lured from your game, when full in view, On trail of armed aggression, By whiff of powder, and the fumes Of Prussian prepossession. } Fain Punch would pity those who chafe Under the sarcasms sinister Of a drill-sergeant in a crown, And his Sageaing Minister. But since you backed the rule of fist, _The majesty of might, Now that the rod comes home to you, His verdict’s ‘f Sarve you right.” The sacred Ark of Liberty Ne’er found defenders strong In hands defiled with evil gains, And hearts that backed the wrong. Even as you have meted out, Shall it be mete to you ; To the same rule of fist you bow. That Denmark bo unto. If there be geese in Prussia— As travellers say there are— We have a saw you had done well To weigh, ere last year’s war. That what is sauce for goose, the same For gander sauce must be : The Danish goose is cooked, we know— The gander’s on the Spree ! ™~ AN EXCEPTION. In a very admirable speech, addressed to the working men at Camden | — by Mr. Harvey Lewis, M.P., the Member for Marylebone sald :— ** There is no Position in England, short of the throne, to which a working man, by study, diligence, perseverance, and steady application might not attain.” There is one exception, which therefore proves the rule set forth by Mr. Harvey Lewis. Neither study, diligence, perseverance, nor steady application will raise a working or a playing man to one awful position—that of Contributor to Punch. To attain that splendid dignity, the aspirant must also have wit, humour, beauty, grace, a charming manner, an unexceptionable tailor, and a perfect French accent. On all other points Mr. Punch cordially approves Mr. LEewis’s speech, especially as it contrasts favourably with much inflammatory nonsense which is being addressed to the hey ence man by persons who desire to climb to Position by the aid of his b shoulders. Sweets anD A Porr.—Rimeu’s Book of Perfumes is now Scent everywhere,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fesrvary 4, 1865.

; “Att gy yy

yy ff £Z Vij 27 Vititizi; Yf Wy Zs; ae Pe y Ys YY Yi YY = ; YY yf y) Vlas DR. BRIGHT AND HIS PATIENT. | Doctor. “DO YOU DO AS YOU LIKE?” Doctor. “DO YOU GET GOOD WAGES?” Patrent, “ YES.” Patient. “ YES.” Doctor. “ HAVE :YOU PLENTY TO EAT AND DRINK?” Doctor. “DO YOU PAY TAXES P” | Patient. “‘ NONE TO HURT ME MUCH.” Patrent. “ YES, AS FAR AS THAT GOES.” Docror. “AH! WE MUST CHANGE ALL THAT. WE MUST GO IN FOR REFORM!”

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Fesrvary 4, 1865.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 49 MEETING FOR PROMOTING THE EDUCATION OF THE RICH. ECENT meritorious efforts hich have been made by e Rich to educate the Poor |* (our best hat off, and our best bow to you, Miss Bur- peEtr-Courts, in all honour) have, Mr. Punch is happy to say, produced a ing resulé in the way of recipro- city. The Poor have awak- ened to their duty, and_pro- to educate the Rich. eerel interesting meet have been held on the sub- ject, and we condense a report of one of these. It was held on Saturday night, in the Lower Room, Exeter Hall, and the apartment was crowded. Mr. James Trive?, a gas- fitter, was unanimously elec- ted to the chair, and he spoke with much good feel- ing and good humour. He said that he was not greatly in the line of speech, but he hould be kindly turned on if he flickered. (Cheers.) He had been, in the way of business, a good deal into the houses of the 5 , and had fons it right to talk affably to them, when he ot achance. He could say that it was a great mistake to suppose that they were ill-conditioned or reserved, ; ; ere Vi ignorant, but that was the fault of their bringing up. hey had always been ready to talk to him, and it was interest- ng, though melancholy, to hear some of their simple questions. Hear, hear.) For instance, a lady, with pearls on her well nigh as big as one of those gas-globes, had aske him whether gas did not rome out of the ground if you stuck a pipe in. (Seusation.) She s not at all angry at his laughing, but insisted that she had read that uch a thing was the case in some countries, and why not in England P hat showed that a little knowledge was a dangerous thing. (Cheers.) He explained the real truth to her, but he was afraid that she was not stening, mse she suddenly answered a military party who was alking to a girl on a sofa, but it was something to awake a spirit of ngquiry. ( Cheers.) : Me. Jonn Doverar, a mter, said that jhe always found the Swells humble and civil, when he was called in to do any odd job. But pntil there was somie general system of teaching, he feare hould do little good with them. It was a pity, for many of them were vem sey and willing enough. He did not tell the story by way of idi g those who had fewer advantages than himself, but he would ust mention that a young gentleman, the son of rich but honest arents, had shown Tim a little kennel which he had made for a wvourite a, py. How did the Meeting think he had fastened the ieces P ith Loge pins and gum. (Shouts of laughter.) When he, the peaker, showed him a bradawl and some nails, the dear lad looked as if new world was open to him. (Cheers.) ‘ Ma. Wittiam Ciuvx, a bricklayer, said there was much good in the cher classes, but their fault was, that they were so heedless and mprovident. Look at the very building in which they were. The reat was crowded to excess on music nights, and if an alarm f fire were given, there was but one way out, and hundreds would be ampled to death as sure as bricks were not mortar. Yet they kept h coming and never minding. It was very difficult to arouse t nem to hy sense of danger. = a that a system of house visitation, in missionary way, might do z ‘ Mr. Warrine Catvzs said that he had been a footman (hisses), but P was happy to bs Gm he had raised himself to the position of a mall coal man, and hoped that he should-have the respect of the eeting. (Cheere,) In his former capacity he had, of course, seen a cat deal of the rich. He thought well of them, but they had many ts. They had no regard for truth, and would order a servant to ny that they were in the house, when they did not wish to see a itor. Their indolence was frightful, they would lie in bed until velve in the day. . (Sensation.) It was true, he assured the Meeting, nd a lady at one end of a room would ring a bell and bring a man up veral flights of stairs to fetch her a book that lay on a table out of er reach. they were very kind when they knew how to do any indness, but so few of them took the trouble to know. Asa practical an, he must n class would uite the reverse. They that we favourably received in the houses of the rich. He that he did not think that missionaries from their | I mention another thing, showing the foll would On f vor lt one HS pay Prony Simey Loe of the orders. ne wae dress instead of her with the boots, and with on her head, shoulders, or arms, out and sit in all the drenghis a "or stand on the / As a of the classes that many of them were fond of proding, they readily — let them be Fang ty’ But he , ~ not preach, would amuse ee y telling them of a nobleman sll beipeo day sont Or bin’ he tpediees” Berens eens one day sent for him, the speaker. .“‘ BaysTER; } my tm Wen eee Vi this great mobbed Geos ee e 0 ey believe i no 2 words first, and then tried to fix in the gold with c yyy .) He was bound to add that the poor rich man was very docile thankful for instruction. (Cheers.) fod his gigas day and etazved hin tie wot tat Coen f pig one day and s e nex! in alternate slices of fa’ sothing the things which ladies and gent said master’s little could be done for the class in question. No earthly power could teach some of them not to ask for a haunch when they meant a leg, and as for bone, their impatience was gay equalled iby their ignorance on that head. He thought, however, something might be effected by lecturers, if we could only induce the rich to attend. Mn. THomas Rower was a composer of street-ballads. It had been said there was nothing like leather, but {he was not open to that fling, as he would show. He thought that if, instead of the wretched Italian and English songs now s by the rich, which he could assure the Meeting were the most namby-pamby trash in creation, they could be taught to sing ballads of a better kind, in which trath should be ineul. cated, good might insensibly and inoffensively be done. Instead, for instance, of such a song as “Coo, says the gentle Dove” (shoués ef erisive laughter), a were to sing “ The Satisfied Tradesman and his Economical Wife ” (applause), in-which, as he pecweee they remem- bered, it was shown how a frugal woman should lay out one pound one on her family, the lesson of thrift and care would be taught. He would only say that if it were liked, he would gladly give a thousand copies of that song, for distribution among the upper class. (Cheers.) After some other speeches of a humane and hilanthropic kind, it was agreed that a Committee should be formed, for carrying out Mr. Rower’s pro A vote of thanks tothe chair was followed by a unanimous call for a vote of compliment to Mr. Punch, for his indefati- gable exertions to bring all classes into harmony. Amid the loudest cheering, the Meeti adjourned, after singing the hymn, “ Pity the Follies of a poor rich Man.” INTERNAL UTIL#PY. Tue following advertisement appeared the other morning in a Dublin newspaper :— ROOM AND COACHMAN, a smart, active ‘oung Man, who under- stands his business; has a first-rate knowledge of the care and treatment of horses, i and harness ; is a careful, steady driver ; will make himself useful inside, if required. “Will make himself useful inside, if required!” In what way is this usefulness, we wonder, to be exercised? A doctor’s groom might make hi useful inside by swallowing his master’s medicines for experim€nt. We own we should not like, were we a body servant, to have our body thus employed: but to these base uses we might come, Horatio, to keep ourselves from the necessity of going to the work- house. Still we cannot understand how a coachman is to show his utility inside, unless he means to hint that if his master likes to drive, he will sit inside the carriage and entertain the ladies. Literary Paradox. Ir is true that Mr. Sara is the author of the Novel, Quite Alone. t is, we are sorry to say, equally true that he did nof write the novel quite alone,

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Feprvary 4, 1865.

THE ANIMATED EGG. On, Ma! am’r THis a WHackine SNowBALt ? CHARLEY 18 INSIDE!” anD Cousin

THE DRAMA AT SEA. Tom, I hear that you are about to leave us. (Aside, darkly.) He little knows. Tom B Yes. But why this P My P and or Ph ind notes sorrow y Pout is true, as Weck clilaiiine bichenpepes. Song. Tom Bluff. I love the fairest flower that blooms Upon the meadow airy, I love the va-ri-ed parfooms aerli pane | ! All, He ‘oLL! his Tom Bluff. When, at six bells, ps; go ol I dream of that sweet fairy, She is so lovely, and as soft As chick of Morner Cary. ASO I’m afloat Oh how I doat, On Pott—my — Ma-a-aRE-aRy ! ' All (withVariations) } He} Pou! i ® | darling Maneaxay-i-ans, First Marine. Bravo, Tom! (Fiddle ate. without.) Here’s Dick the Fiddler ! ' Enter Dicx the Fiddler, All. Adance! <A dance! [They dance, Stage grows darker, Enter Many Perkins. [Jt grows brighter again, Tom. What, Mary ? Mary. Ah, Tom ! Tom (taking both her hands, and swinging them backwards and Sor, wards). Why, re *re looking like a mate gl pinnace as has a starboard on every jib o' oy eat og understanding the Fag pce Lor’, Tom ! Tom. Bless you, my darling! When I think as to-morrow we’re to get spliced, and never more part-—— Enter Nas and Press Gang, quickly. Nab (pointing to Tom). There’s your man. me (addressing Nab). Why, you black-muzzled son of a ship’s cook, as ain’ Tom. Nay, “Many, the man is but doing his dooty. There is hope yet——

Sm, Mx. Puncu.—lIf this won’t restore the Nautical Drama, I don’t| Mary (cheerfully). Where? know what will. I call the piece BLUE-EYED MARY; OR, POLLY THE PRIDE OF THE FLEET.

DBAMATIS PERSON Z. Tom Burr (in love with Polly). Jonas (a reprobate). Nas (leader of the Press Gang). Captain Forecastte (of H. M. 8. Orocoon). Mary Perxuns (the Blue-eyed). Yours, Benny tHE Bo’seEn. Admirals, Commodores, Sailors, Marines, Press Gang, &c.

Tom (points to the mig eee ! [Press Gang weep. Y falls on Tom’s shoulder. Marines strane Jew Pedlars. Jonas with Nas, and Watermen (8.4.) go on winking at girls as Curtain detent. To make a long Drama short—for, of course, in a Play of the Sea | can only give a the main incidents—Tom goes aboard the Orocoon, fights for his King and country, but is finally, in consequence of some incorrectness in the Steward’s accounts, had up my a Naval Court Martial for mutiny and general debility. I should have stated that the end of the Second Act is thus managed. Scenz—Real Ship, and real Water course. (Here’s scope for somebody ! Af Real Man at the Masthead, out of sight. A whale! A whale! * [4 real Whale, or as much of him as can be hired } by the night, is Scenz 1.—Neighbourhood of Deal. Dealers walking about. View of the seen rising, and commences spouting, when he is interrupted by Flats drinking. Deal Light visible. Watermen are winking at the vbr who throws @ harpoon at 9 girls, L.H., while a party of Marines are dancing with Jew Pedlars in Everyone on corner of the Stage. rR Chorus. Ho! boys! ho! rink and be merry, oh ! Spend the money, 0 ! What care we ! Clink the glasses ! Wink at lasses ! Ho! ho! ho! ho! Merry boys! Oh! ho! ho! All (waving glasses). Ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! Ender Tom Brovryr. c. Tom B eae ae at All, This sh Hooray! (They cheer PR Bay. True; but the man who aa desert his tackle in the of need, is no friend of Tom Buurr's non aay} Hooray ! Jonas (who has been standing at the back, observing narrowly), So, oard. Hooray ce i gu wale (tame) here fires at the monster. M Teor pre aloof with his arms folded. . a Now to give him his final blow. (Produces a speaking- Tum: Tom. Never ! for while Tom Biurr has asheet-anchor to heave, there's not a swab ashore as ’ud ns a true heart of oak in the maintop. APTAIN faints, and falls into the pe “water, All (to one another, quie ty. ‘A man overboard ! iy or ra hearties | shall it ever pr visi ene ae ine 3 es @ long, telling speech about 'y, sod 3, BLUE Even Pout, virtue, and land-lubbers ; then, taking off his jack, plunges into the sea. Chorus (by everybody, impulsively). Oh, pd es Ss haa Is the pla ce to be, down ! in the deep, deep Sea! [Tom re-appears, carrying the Captain in his arms, The whalt ay iby slily, with his finger up to his nose, taking the harpoo All. Hooray !

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Fesrvary 4, 1865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Chorus in gratitude). Oh, who would not be, ip panmmummeelms yey te my hay During this they rub the Cartatn’s nose, pinch his eyes, . with his pad downwards to restore animation. Hi } from a@ trance, and , in pantomime, that he should lik to make Tom an Admiral of the Blue, Tom expresses his admiration Caprain’s sentiments, Captain blesses his dear eyes. Tableau. ast Scewz oF Last Act.—TZhe Court-Martial assembled in the caboose of H. M.S. Orocoon, The Admiral Commander of the White sits on the right hand of the cabin, looking pale and impo- verished. In the centre berth 1s seated the eldest Admiralty Lord, dressed as a Trinity Brother in winter. On the two hammocks sus- i ide of him, are swinging the Commodore and the Port dmirals, wearing each other's cocked hats. Ali the sailors a, chewing the cuddy. In the distance ts seen the Cook dress Mate. The Stage is divided into uppe and lower parts ; above, on deck, Midshipmen are employed in raking fore and aft. Tom Buurr, in the chains of the ship, is quietly awatting his sentence: he leans on the hatstand or the capstau— whichever 1s nearer. Chorus. Joy! Joy! Joy ! Belay | vast! Heave-ho! For a Mariner’s life Is full of strife— Belay! Avast! Heave-ho! Eldest Admiralty Lord (solo). For a Mari-ari-ari-ner’s li-i-ife on the All, Joy! Joy! Joy! &c. &c. Admiral. Of what,is the Prisoner accused ? me. { Lmbber! (More aside.) Splice the binnacle! My y' Admiral (té Tom). What have you to say for yourself ? Tom. Your Honour, it ain’t the best launch as meets the heaviest swell— All, Belay! Belay! [Admirals kick one another underneath the table. Tom. But when a true heart of oak as wouldn’t reef a stern sheet, no, not for the best ship’s crew as ever came alongside yard-arm to yard-arm—(all the crew catching the idea and speaking together)—finds as his Pont ain’t true, he’d better yaw out of his course and be nothing more than a sheer hulk (Murmurs; during which the Apurrat speaks to the man at the wheel. The Commopore then, in pantomime, addresses the Jury-mast, Jury-mast (returning with a verdict). We say that he is guilty. of the Blue remonstrates, Jury-mast retires to (The Admi: reconsider his verdict. In his absence the Jolly-boat is brought in jollier than ever, the charge is gone into, and the Jolly-boat is bailed out. Re-enter the Jury-mast. Admiral (to Jury-mast). How are you? (Corrects himself), No, I mean, how say you? .. (General satisfaction. Cheers.) Captain ts at once led out, and has a shot put in his locker by a party of Marines, Buvz-Kyev Pott, who has come on board during the trial, rushes into Tom’s arms. Tom and Poll, Saved! Saved! All, Saved! Chorus, Rule Britannia! Britannia rales the Waves ! For Tom Buurr pretty Potty Perxnys saves, saves, saves ! [True Blue fire. Curtain falls, University Intelligence. On the plea of the similarity between the letters ¢ and j, St. John’s , Camb has put ina claim to the Ionian Islands, contending that they were evidently, at one time,the Jonian or Johnian Islands. Of course this is a fact. ‘gt , ; WINE MERCHANT'S RIDDLE. BY MR. TODDY DRINKLEY. Waen is Champagne calculated to make an imbiber noisy ? When the wine itself is creaming. us Forsiwpine Counrewance.—The look of a Member of the nited Kingdom Alliance for the Permissive Prohibition ef the Sale of Fermented Liquors. HOW TO MAKE A SHOW. N the account of a very recent Cattle and a Show we uphted nD wing interes in- Somettaaae™ A charmi ment is the Columbine division of the Show,” and haye thought of it ever since. ! Weshould Foot it merrily, Harlequin ! ibi- tion might be. held at The Pai pL a mg aed This is Pan. mime time, so we Lbs pardon. dod Pestetios Sedibaande waar: nm. ni ight crack your sides a-laugh- et, in good sooth, a Clown boxed up in a cage would be a sorry sight, in a Pantomime. ‘a ey 4 erein is e 7 . — idea for Managers. sho i there not be an “ Actor Show?” — a Show of Theatrical Hands, from among whom the eriterprising Lessees of our Metropolitan and Provincial Theatres could choose members for their Companies. There should be a list duly numbered and you ng. and Lot 22.—Four Singing Chambermaids. These should be in a large cage, like birds. should be decked out in the costumes of the various pieces in which they have already performed, or in which they desire to appear. Their qualifications should be specified, and their former engagements set forth. Lot 25.—Sizr Heavy Fathers. These gentry, three of whom would certainly be in the tie-wig and square cut coat of our ancestors, will require plenty of room, inasmuch as they are addicted to strutting about, ane, and the violent use of the clouded cane, or stout w: -stick of the venerable farmer. Not that these same sticks are needed for their support, being chiefly required for the sake of emphatic action in all such sentences as com- mence with “Ah! Jack, you-dog, uu thought to trick your old father,” &c., or, “ Zounds, Sir,” (fo Ais “do you mean to tell me,” &c. One of the Heavy Fat ers would be in a corner, engaged out the day in delivermg “‘his cur-r-r-se, his bit-ter cur-r-r-se” on some invisible diso t offs . Another should be, from morning till night, with intervals of refreshment, in another corner of the den, giving aternal benedictions to imaginary happy couples—employing the wel are formula, “ Bless ye, my children!” Lor 28.—Leading Ladies. . These should be in separate compartments, divided from one ‘another by the stoutest bars. Lor 32.—Fifteen “ Creatures.” Assassins, Spies, Bravos of Venice, and other amiable persons pe | alluded to on the s as “ Creatures of the Duke,” “ ings, and so forth. These should be placed in.a remote part.of the building, as their growlings and swearings might alarm the neighbourhood. Lor 40.—Harlequins and Sprites. A place similar to that wherein the brown bears dwell at the Zoolo- | logical Gardens, should be provided for these gentry, as they ’d turn a summersault over railings of any ordinary height, and be away in a jiffy. Lor 41.—Clowns and Pantaloons. Four Clowns and two pairs of old Pantaloons. They would pass their time in repeating the announcement, “ Here we are!” knocking one another down, kicking one another up again, “ giving and taki the slap,” doing flip- and cataracts, and amusing one another wi such witticisms as “1 say, see what I’ve found,” “I ony, as I came along I bought a ha’porth of toffy!” The keeper or exhibitor of this lot should maintain order among them with a reakred hot poker. Lot 45.—One Low Comedian. He should be ready at any moment, on being roused, to give specimens of his mode of daa Gases in various farces. He would have to be kept up with stimulants throughout the day, and would show better if caged with a tragedian. We recommend the notion to the energetic proprietor of Cremorne Gardens, where, in the winter time, this show might very well be held.

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Fesruary 4, 1865. 447 a WE es EG ‘foe a — | +4, IS ~ SIN ISN ri \ FOE ah Sy WHF A \e om yw . ’ - * ' a’, yf. “7S Bs 4g 1 2 ee ~ty o Ag av Yo" 7 DIVERSIONS OF DRILL. Insubordinate Recruit (falling out), “’Taurt THE FusT TIME, MistsrR ADJUTANT, YOU’VE CALLED ME A OpD Finz’—sLOWED 1F I sTaND - IT ANY LONGER—THERE ! !” A CASE IN THE QUEEN’S BENCH. CockBuRN ov. Pripgavux. Chaff. In the Court of Queen’s Bench, before Lorn Cuter Justice Cock- BURN, and Justices Crompton and BiackBuRy, the other day, Mr. Paimeavx showed cause against the rule which had been obtained in a case ive to marriage fees. He said :— “ It was an action brought by the plaintiff, who was described to be no other than @ pauper, against the incumbent of a parish in Buckinghamshire for refusing to marry one of his parishioners.” . Dulce est desipere in loco: and as the locus in quo is of all others a Court of Justice, of course the Lorp Curer Justice did so. The sub- joined joke was instantly elicited by Mx. Paipgavx’s statement about the incumbent sued for “ refusing to marry one of his parishioners :” — -“ Tue Lorp Caer Justice,—Two of them, I should think.” His Lordship thought he had Mr. Pripeavux there. He was mis- “ Mr. Pripgavx.—Not necessarily two of his parishioners.” . The joke was with Mr. Pripgavx. Then one of the other Judges, whose name indicates Scottish origin, made a remark that was simply ex Mr. Justice BLackpurn.—There were originally two actions, one by the husband and the other by the wife.” This grave observation gave CocKBuRN leisure to try if he could not be down on Pripgatx. ving taken time to consider, said “Tue Lorp Carer. Justice.—Your statement, Mr. Prmeavx, sounded as tho the reverend gentleman had been called upon to marry her himself (laughter)—that is hardly what we should grant a mandamus for.” Very good; but Mr. Prrozavx had the best of it. The Lorp Cuter Justice, in his Pong was driven to shift his joke, and amend his misunderstanding of the word “marry.” So, having obliged his Lordship to vindicate his ony by changing his quibble, our learned friend discreetly resumed his plea. There was another joke which might have been got out of the case by a third party, a joke which either of the other two Judges was ina position to make, if ben Aone both joke. At Mr. Pripgavx’s words | “marry one of his parishioners,” when the Lorp Cuisr Justice said ‘Two of them I should think,” one of apaieny pits woah might = | observed, “ wo igamy. most pertinent, apposi and brilliant joke was, however, snieabd. t | So much for wit in-this case. In its conclusion there was wisdom :— ‘The Court made the rule absolute. It was better all the facts should come before the Court when the case came on for argument.” Mauch better, certainly, than when the case came on for fun. WHAT’S A NAPPLE ? Dear Mr, Puncu ’ _ THe Dorchester Magistrates have de¢ided “‘ that apples are not agricultural produce,” that is, are. not produced from trees that grow in cult ground. I thought that they were. But what do the Dorchester naturals—I mean naturalists— apples to be? An American philosopher stated that madness was a mineral, and per- haps a Dorchester Magistrate will allege that an apple is an animal. | Do you know what animal I take a Dorsetshire Magistrate to be ?. If you don’t, never mind, but at your leisure turn to the 5th Proposition of Huclid, Book 1., and you will be reminded of a bridge which may possibly be found in Dorsetshire. Yours indignantly, Pomona Cottage. JaNxe POVEAPPLE. Beef at 3d. per lb. To Correspondents —Jerked beef farther than butcher’s beef. A butcher’s boy, however, would not be able to jerk a stone of bee! | as far as a pebble. i ConsmERATE REWARD TO A NOBLEMAN FOR BRINGING ONE A an TRANSLATION OF THE J/iad.—Sending him home to translate the Odyssey. | (With Mr. Punch’s compliments to the Edinburgh Review.)' Printed by William Brad , of No. 13, Upver Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Panc Whitefriars, City ot Lon Printers, at theirUffice in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of of London.—Satvapar, Fssavary 4, 1865, in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No, 11, Bouverie Street, t hitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No, 85, Fleet Street, im the Parish of St. Bride, Cxy in the Preeinct of

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{ ie. | ica i le”, oeeeGoE ee —_— Fesrvuary 11, 1865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OUR CURATE; OR, JULIA’S OCCUPATION GONE. Amelia. “Ou, JULIA, IT’s NO USE WORKING SLIPPERS FOR HIM, AND MaMMA 8aYS SHE IS SURE HE DON’T WaNT Bracks; SO WHAT MUST WE DO TO SAVE HIM FROM MARRYING OUT OF THE ParisH !” EXERCISE FOR IGNATIUS. Great children playing at Roman Catholics are capable of quarrelling as well as small children at play likewise or otherwise. It is said that BROTHER or Farner Ienativs and the Rev. G. A. Hmiyarp have fallen out, and that the breach which has occurred between them is widening. According to a report of these gentlemen’s ecclesiastical amusements, the companions of Mr. Hitiyarp are associated in the congregation of St. Lawrence, Norwich. Broruer Icnatius’s play mates are combined in the English order of St. Benedict. The Hill- yardites and the English Benedictines constitute two hostile camps, as boys do at prison-base. Whilst the Hillyard fellows last week were dancing at the Free Library, the Benedictine chaps, headed by their priest, the Rev. G. J. OusELEy, were doing penance barefoot to avert the supernatural consequences of the dishonour which they considered that Mz. Hittyarn’s dancing flock were inflicting on the name of the Martyr, their patron Saint, by capers which may, to be sure, be looked upon as characteristic of goats rather than sheep. The chapel and altar of the mock-monastery were hung in black, and the make-believe, or rather make-disbelieve, shrine was veiled in ditto. Broraer IcnaTivs preached a sermon, wherein he “ protested against the dancing party as mixing up the religion of Curist with the service of the Devil.” He represented the Devil as “trying to uproot a great and good work by mixing up tares with the wheat.” By tares IenaTrus must be sup- posed to have meant the dancers, whom, by so calling them, he affiliates on the Evil One. St. Lawrence, however, can hardly be offended with dancing votaries, or feel himself insulted by a polka, when there is a St. Vitus’s dance, worse than any other. In further deprecation, however, of the ire of St. Lawrence, the monks sang the 51st Psalm to a wailing chant, prostrated themselves before the altar, recited the seven pee psalms, and then had their heads powdered with ashes by their priest, after which “ compline” was said behind the screen. without music. We can only wish success to the steps which the English Benedictines took to atone for the other | — taken by the Hillyardites. _ he narrative whence the foregoing particulars are derived, concludes with the remark that “when the present rigour of the weather is bee sidered, the barefoot penances of Brotuer Ienativs must be as no joke.” Ce y, playing at monks is no child’s play when the eres of that game are grown-up persons; but if they were actually children of tender years, the mildest consequences of playing it just now would be chilblains. Icnatius and his monks, however, are proof against at least those puerile affections. So they renounce stockings, as though stockings were works of the demon, and sport sandals, which of course they deem sanctified things if made of wood and leather straps, though they anathematise those which consist of white satin. Still, since they affect sandals after a fashion, they should not, one would think, object to doncing., but rather practise it, in order to make an edifying disp ay of their es. For that purpose, as they condemn dancing, they might resort to an exercise which for them would have the advantage of being of a penitential nature. Suppose the monks of the British order of St. Benedict all go skating, and air their sandalled and stockingless feet on the ice. Oxbridge University Intelligence. Tse Boden Professor will lecture on Cicero’s Oratory and the Oratory of Brompton, _ ‘ ant -_ Taylor Institution there will be lectures on the Habits of the cients. The Professor of Political Economy will lecture on the “Theory of Rent.” The text for his first discourse will be “ Don’t you wish you “— get it.” ; he Margaret Professor will, every Tuesday and Thursday evening, during the ensuing Term, give “ Woman, Lovely Woman,” as a toast. At Corpus there will be the usual lectures on Bantingism. The Professor of Logic will give lectures on his own premises. Tue Extrapition oF Caminais.—‘ A Hungry Pauper” inquires whether they have the extra dish because they are criminals. VOL, XLVITI, G

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54 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruary 11, 1865. “CAKES, LEEKS, PUDDINGS, AND POTATOES.” Y the above toast, iven at the annual inner in honour of Georce HeERiotT— | Jingling Geordie—of i are typi- es, ani The toast gives title to a little tract just published by a “‘Scot- tish Advocate,” which 4 Mr. Punch has read with a certain plea- sure, not unmixed with awe. ‘The bold author ~ n . ties with a free and keen pen. Now, we Puddings know enough about our- selves, and quite as much as we want to really nothing about the Cakes—that is to say, the Seoteh—we are ever anxious to obtain tion touching that interestingmation. Therefore, when a Scots- man writes about his countrymen, we are only too happy to sit at the feet of McGamaxiet, We have extracted a few of this Scotch gentleman’s statements touching—and touching very nearly—the inhabitants of the English province called , and we re-publish them, because, while we are discovering the sources of the Nile, and (three cheers for SHBRARD Ossorn !) going to conquer the Seas of the North, it does not become En to be unacquainted with their neighbours. 1. “ *The Highlander never understands wit or humour.’”»—WALTER & COTT. 2. “ Precious indeed are the religious privileges of Scotland, but how has she used them? Has she not long been living upon credit ? and may she not, oo spouaonsty, resemble the potato, of which is un and P”? 3. “ The men of the North are not better Christians than many others who have not enjoyed such advantages.” 4. “The scholastic inferiority of our Scottish clergy cannot be dis- Our Scotch divines may be counted on the fingers—on the uted. Anger, of a single hand. ‘hes nny eg says, ‘There is an order of English mind to which Scotland has not attained.’ ” 6. “ The Scot overwhelms op with questions, and turns off every query directed himself by proposing another.” 7. “ Pretty faces and shapely figures in Scotland. are far from rare, “as te is a striking peculiarity among the laird,’ says Scott, ‘after giving us more champagne and cared to drink, turned pale at the idea of paying a crown ‘ try ambition of Scotch lairds to appear greater than the are, has dg oath a common failing.” ” . 10. “ A larg® number of our countrymen exhibit a sullen, distant, dour uncourteousness of manner, which is far from being creditable to themselves or pleasant to those who are favoured with its display.” _il. “ That uncourteousness ap hes to positive rudeness and inci- vility, and it may frequently be observed among Scottish tradesmen.” 12. “ There is a large amount of truth in this: ‘the lower classes {in Scotland are strongly characterised. by a certain kind of cunning and dissimulation, and are constantly trying to over-reach one another.’ ” __ 13. “ Destructiveness is a Scotch characteristic. In towns,,the Scotch injure public buildings; in the country, trees and shrubs. Liberality on the part of owners of property is rewarded by wanton mischief.” 14. “ The dirty and slovenly habits of the Scotch peasant present a marked contrast to those of our English neighbours.” _There! There is Scotland painted by an educated Scot! This is no piece of English insolence, pock-pudding pertness, or Cockney cavilling, as is always said when a Southron ventures to doubt whether Cale- donia is an improvement on Paradise before the Fall. We fear— we horribly fear—to give the writer’s name or the names of his distin- guished publishers, as we have no wish to read in the Scotsman that the d. | mend our friend to the vengeance of three have been immolated at the foot of Lonp MELVILLE’s monument. But the extracts are genuine; and to prove it, with utter disregard to the laceration of our own feelings, we will cite one passage, without which (and a reference to Burns) no Scotchman ever wrote article or essay :— ** But with all our faults and failings, I have yet to learn that any- thing more intensely Valens and contemptible than the Cockneyism of the Londoner is to be found tothe north of the Tweed.” With which delicious and amply-compensating vos guogue, we com- ry -loving Scotland.’ » — A DREAM OF THE FUTURE. GAS HAS BEEN TURNED ON EN CHINA. (Translation of Correspondence.) | (L.) Brother to the Sun and Moon, Twin to the Twinkling Stars, Cousin of the Comet, Beg his celestial compliments to the Secretary of the Hi Ski Hi Gas Company Pekin, and requests to be informed of the reason why the Imperial and Celestial Palace was suddenly left in darkness on the evening of yesterday. Imperial Palace, Pekin. @) | To his Celestial and Imperial Highness, Sc., §c., from T. Jonzs, Secre- | lary of the Petia Hi Bis Hit Gas Cospoony (Limited). | His Celestial and Imperial Highness, Brother to the Sun and Moon, &c., &c., is hereby informed that as certain moneys (account rendered, enclosed herein) are still due to the Hi Ski Hi Company, the regular supply of gas to the Palace’has be future will be discontinued | until the above-mentioned debt is disc (See Rules and Regula- tions of the H. S. H. Company.) 3) From His Celestial, §c., to. Jongs, Secretary, Se. His Celestial Imperial a Brother, &c., &c., requests the plea- | sure of Mr. T. JonzEs’s for the purpose of spiking it on the Celes- | tial Palace gateway before sunset. [Bearer waits. (4.) To His Celestial, &c., from T. Jones, Fc. T. Jonzs beseeches His Celestial Imperial, &c. to have patience. He | has implored the Company to turn on the gas. If the Brother of the | = will only condescend to pay so much in the pound, all may yet be | well, t (5.) | From His Celestial, Se., #0 T. Jouns, Seoretary, 5c. | His Celestial Imperial, &c., swearing by the shade of Coyructus, | and by his immortal ancestors, Cat Kez, Ho Kzz, Po Kez, Wane | Ker, and the transcendant Fum, herewith demands the immediate sur- | render of all the heads belonging to the pernicious and abominable | Directors, Secretaries, and other miserable vermin calling themselves | the Hi Ski Hi Gas Company. 6) [ waits. | Report of Bearer of Missive to His Celestial Imperial, Se. To his Celestial, 5c. 4 + His Celestial and oe ge in Your P. r slave, crouching and trembling, has to announce the escape of Gas ompany. @) Order of the Day issued by His Celestial, §c. Bamboo and behead the bearer. i carer bambooed and beheaded accordingly. End of Correspondence. ’ Notice. Tus being the third warning that the author of the following has received, he is required to shut up till further notice :— Way has the noble animal that carries the QueEN or S1am’s palan- | quins, nothing whatever to do with the subject ?—Because its her | elephant (irrelevant). Way is a summary of to-day’s Times like a sweet thing in cloaks? | —Because it’s the Bare-noos, of the name | A CorrgsPonpEnt from South Shields wishes to know the derivation A South Shield is used by persons when attacked by a North Pole.

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Fesrvuary 11, 1865.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “Then I can die happy,” and did: so did she. Singing ho! blow the breezes in Bonnykirk Bay ! ny Jast week, your Honour, I called Once each year, in the Bay, when night’s curtain descends, our attention to the revival of the ray a blow the breezes in Bonnykirk Bay ! autical Drama. But where and The Commodore over the Admiral oh, where! are all the nautical dit- With the ghost of a handkerchief trimmed at all ends ties, and the singers of them gone? With the lace that is known as real Va-len-ci-ennes. ; “>was in Trafalgar’s Bay,” the Singing ho! blow the breezes in Bonnykirk Bay ! * Battle of the Nile,” “ My Lovely Chorus (all together), Haney," aut oll the rest of thems: Singing ho! blow the breezes in Bonnykirk Bay'! where are they? Gone! Ay, ay, Sir, gone! Belay, there! not for} 1 pepcat this lineasachorus, Every one likes to sing in a chorn®. ever. No, Sir, not if 1, Benny tae] ~** It has been supposed that the Lieutenant was in the plot. At this distance of ow it. Inspiration lras | time we have-no means of astertaining the exact truth. seized me; 1 clutch my fiddle, on * A common expression among nautical men; with now and then a forcible , which I was, and am, no mean per-|" fhe grew had for some days been inclined to mutiny, on account of tlieir former, and witha view to rousing we curtailed.”—Stmpson’s Lives of the ‘Admirals. the poetic fire of my countrymen the ship nearest ths jib-boom. . “ The engagement was sh short, and decisive.”—Carr. Corrnt’s Notes, on behalf of the poetic water, I on board ship by means of # litte and a leaden | strike up a prelude, and then com- Baie” ivory dese soundings. j mence. Each ballad is intended to j meee et engagement of this sort. P _be sung with great spirit and bene dane ’s Christian name. The last line of this verse should | pathens aes will havea tune of its own, which may be obtained by | tesung with grout feeling; and the chorus, if any, should be slightly subdwed application Yours, my hearty, - Bewsy tHE Bo’sen. THE ADMIBAL’S TRUE LOVE ; OR, THE BREEZES OF BONNYKIRK BAY. (This Ballad is founded upon a legend still believed and repeated by the Mariners of Bonnykirk. The incident itself probably occurred during the sharp and decisive engagement between the British fleet | genttem e and the united fleets of France and Austria, in which the flag of had i, As a woman, I protest against one’s age being | fs aes Ses till more against its being made a subject of diseus- England was signally vietorious. As to the justice and causes of a cg Va Tam dace d to soo that latinas tee Baas waiter eee’ ola | war that raised the little fishing village of Bonnykirk to such an ladies, and the most annoying PRoors have been given of the they | eminence in the annals of our country’s glory, I offer no opinion.— | are"said to have arrived at. It really makes one shudder one B. T. B.) thinks f > sad poe 9 ee — en of — such ExDo- : ; sures made about oneself and one’s feminine relations. I am a single ag ay Say doin Fra reel lady, and have, happily, no danghters to remind me of my age, and Fay 4-2 8. ae Eiokal deuee eowes d prevent my looking as young as I can make myself. But suppose my To the — d Taoutenant, who ’d just come a-hoard elder sister should become an octo— nog | (it isn’t octoroon, With the Commodore rigee d libs on Admisalty Eel know, and it rhymes with vegetarian), suppose that she gets old and | Faced tert thea eke breenes im Bonnykirk Bay 3 ? unfortunately Zooks so, horrid people may write letters and expose her | » NO! , real 28°, and pray then how can I make people think that I am “ . ! * ! ” t fi 7 juvenue f p 5 as ny ye nowy teen ey So, Mr. Punch, T must entrest you to stop this dread/ul theme from And our Admiral wayed the cocked hat he had doffed, being publicly discussed ; and I think you ought to mention the matter But the Commodore wept, for his heart it was soft, to Lo While the Second Lieutenant respectfully coughed,” BALLADS OF THE BILLOWS. Bo’sen, kn FEMININE LONGEVITY. Pourcu, use your influence, which I well know is to these unseemly letters about longevity. I rrified when I think of what alarming : t There is no harm in discussing the lon of but it is really most indelieate in people to make publie the | ( RD PALMERSTON, and get him just to pass a proper Act of Par- liament to suppress such correspondence. The statement of a lady’s Singing ho! blow the breezes in Bonnykirk Bay ! “ Avast!” shouts the skipper. His call we obeyed, Sing ho! blow the breezes in Bonnykirk Bay ! Of Parleyvoo Frogs Hearts of Oak aren’t afraid, Fach bree. 7 of his country and fond-loving maid, And wished that at home with his Pot he had stayed, Singing ho! blow the breezes in Bonnykirk Bay ! Says the Captain, “ My eyes !° if it ain’t a French sloop!” ing ho! blow the breezes in Bonnykirk Bay ! * We'll feed ere we fight !”’4 growls the Mate on the poop, But a shot struck the spoon just afore he could stoop To take from the cook his allowance of soup, Singing ho! blow the breezes in Bonnykirk Bay! Boom! bang! went the guns from the binnacle’s deck,® Sing ho! blow the breezes in Bonnykirk Bay ! Our brave ing tars, at the Admiral’s beek, Rushed on with a himpetus nothing could check,® And when three bells was sounded’ the sloop was a wreck, Singing ho! blow the breezes in Bonnykirk Bay ! When we’d keelhaul’d amidships and spliced the ropes’ ends,® Sing ho! blow the breezes in Bonnykirk Bay ! Says the Admiral sweetly, “ This locket I sends To my true love.” The Commodore over him bends With a handkerchief bordered with Va-len-ci-ennes, Singing ho! blow the breezes in Bonnykirk Bay ! “ That handkerchief! obj!” cries the Admiral, “ See!” Sing ho! blow the breezes in Bonnykirk Bay ! * Tis my Lucy!” cries he, and cries she “ Yes, it’s me !° I’m here, though you left me, my Witniam!™” Says he, age without her special sanction should be viewed as an outrageous Jide! and offence, and should be punished by a¢ /east six months’ hard labour and imprisonment, Indeed I think a good sound flogging would just serve the wretches right who are guilty of these shamefully indecent exposures, and I wish that every lady had, as SHAKSPBARE says, a whip “to lash the rascal aching through the world.” No, Sir. Let male donkeys boast of their long years, if it please them so to do; but a lady’s age is sacred, and it should be penal to violate its sanctity. For sacrilegious monsters who are infamous —— to perpetrate such out , a proper punishment should forth- with be invented by the law, and these miscreants be dealt with by the officers of justice. Now that Parliament has met, not a moment should be lost in applying for some wholesome legislation in the matter, and surely P, ent must feel it is of personal importance to take the matter up, for amqng its Members Parliament has plenty of o/d women. Hoping, my dear Mr. Punch, that as the champion of the ladies you will come to their protection, and prevent any farther exposure of their ages; Believe me, yours admiringly, Patience Prim, P.S. I enclose my carte de visite, by which you may see that when I wear my visiting costume I am barely five-and-twenty.* * Looks fifty, if a day.—Note by Mrs. Punch. y Punishment for Paupers. Is it true that oakum-picking is work to which paupers are put in workhouses? If so, we would suggest that, as a punishment for verty, the treadmill or the crank be substituted for a kind of hard tem which has the ee of incapacitating some of the poor _ needlework and other ligbthanded employment, by spoiling their gers. BxtiS

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Feprvary 11, 1865 \ ASS = GENUINE ENTHUSIASTS. At THE ‘WINDOW YOU PERCEIVE PaTER AND MATER EXPOSTULATING VAINLY. TO CLERICAL MEN. deal to say to and for Medical men; now for a word with Clerical men. Reverend brethren, read this advertisement, cut from the Ecclesiastical Gazette, one of your own Church organs :— Price by post, 1s. 6d. © CANDIDATES FOR HOLY ORDERS.—Copies of Bishops’ Examination Papers given of late: with PRIVATE INFORMATION as to the pecu- liarities of each Bishop and his Chaplain in the vivd voce Examination of Candidates. London : Publishers’ names. Poncn has had of late a Tf the Examination papers are not handed to the candidates as private affairs, there can be no objection to letting other candidates know what sort of questions they are likely to be asked. Mr. Punch has written to a friend of his, who is a Bishop, to ascertain how this is ; but perhaps the examining chaplain who ran to the pillar-post with his Lordship’s answer, let the letter get wet, and it stuck in the mouth, and was picked out by somebody else, or perhaps some ass who could not read or would not heed the orders on the _— had rammed in a fat newspaper, which choked the way, and left all subsequently deposited letters at the mercy of the public. In one of these ways millions of letters are lost every day. Anyhow, the Bishop’s answer had not come, up to our going to press. We, therefore, give the advertiser the benefit of a doubt which we do not entertain. But this proposal to show up the Peculiarities of each Bishop and of his Chaplain is clearly Scandalum Ecclesiasticum. We should like to know, nevertheless, what is told, but we scorn to spend, on any printed book, the price of two cigars, which bring us priceless thoughts. Are the hints in this style:—1. This Bishop is testy and a little deaf. 2. This Bishop is garrulous, and will answer two-thirds of the questions for you, if you take things easy, and give him his head. 3. This Bishop hates any talk of the Evangelical kind; beware of the slightest unc- tuosity. 4. Take a snuff-box, full of the best a and leave it, without offering it, near this Bishop; he will pretend to take a pinch unconsciously. 5. Be so tremendously struck with the : icture over this Bishop’s fireplace as to disre a question ; .he wi be awfully pleased. 6. Seem nervous before this Bishop, as Mrs. B. domineers, | © and he likes to be a great man somewhere. 7. This Bishop lays harm- | less traps for you, but he is very kind; fall into one, and he will help | 7 brow in a few Latin or even Greek words, but mind your 7 you out. 8. quantities ; this Bishop is a scholar, and likes scholars. 9. Look out; this Bishop knows everything, and gives no quarter. 10. This Bishop is afman of the world, and very good-natured, but don’t yoil quote. 11. This Bishop is rather a crab, but will be just, if you don’t show the least morsel of Pusry. 12. A very good Bishop, but not very learned, so he takes you on doctrine; mind you are sound. And so on, ugh | the whole right reverend roll-call, and their Chaplains. , Well, brethren, this Handy-book to the Hierarchy may be useful, and so may be listening at a door, or peeping into a friend’s letters or cheque-book. But, on the whole, one has a prejudice in favour of folks | | who play the game of life fairly, and—and so we don’t give you the | publishers’ names. WHERE THE SENIOR WRANGLERS GO TO. Apropos of the last Cambridge Honour-list—in which, by the way, a nobleman’s son séru¢s for the first time at the head of the Wranglers, and may consider himself and family complimented by Mr. Punch on | the proud distinction—some noodles have i Senior Wranglers go to.” These inqnirers must be of the same sagacious order of mind which, in childhood, is apt to inquire “ where | the old moons go to.” The same answer may be given to both questions. As the old moons are cut up into little stars, these larger luminaries of the University are cut up into lesser lights, as College Dons and Heads, University Professors, rectors of fat College livings, Bishops, Judges, Queen’s Counsel, M.P.’s, &., &c. Pretty Near the Mark. * Waar do I think of the Davenrorts?” said Smrru, the other | night, after attending a séance, “‘ Why, I think they are a couple of | rather clever conjurors, e¢ voila two!” been asking “where the | ||

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TO SCHOOL. The Boy with the Cake. BACK GIVE US A SLICE!” Cuorvs or Greepy Bors. “GIVE US A SLICE! Dr. Pam (Heap Masrer). “ KEEP BACK, BOYS! KEEP BACK! OR IT SHALL NOT BE CUT TILL EASTER.”

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Fepruary 11, 1865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIT. POEM BEFORE PARLIAMENT. Tue Parliament ’s coming, oh dear, oh dear ! The Parliament ’s coming, oh dear ! And will there be less sense To put in the Essence, Than Parliament gave us last year P Lorp Patmerston’s coming, oh dear, oh dear ! Lorp Patmenston ’*s coming, oh dear ! With gay observation Less tke information Than meant to elicit “ hear, hear !” DIsRAELI’s coming, oh dear, oh dear ! ISRAELI ’sS coming, oh dear ! With prelude so solemn Tofilupacolumn, — And studied impromptu-like jeer. Lorp Russe. is coming, oh dear, oh dear ! Lorp RvssELt is coming, oh dear! With “‘ meddle and muddle” And storm in a _—— But often brave words, which we ’!l cheer. Eart Dersy is coming, oh dear, oh dear! Ean Denpy is coming, oh dear ! So ready to smile at The scrapes of our Pilot, But never attempting to steer. The CuancBLtor’s coming, oh dear, oh dear! The CHancELLOR’s coming, oh dear ! xploding, like nitre, At sight of a mitre. d ing a snub with a sneer. Lorp Exzen is coming, oh dear, oh dear ! Lorp EL1en is coming, oh dear ! Proclaiming in thunder That peace is a blunder, And war not a thing we should fear. Duke Somerser’s coming, oh dear, oh dear ! Duxs Somerset ’s reser 2 oh dear ! With answers so frightful The one most politeful Resounds like a box on the ear. BisHor OxForp is coming, oh dear, oh dear ! BisHor Oxrorp is coming, oh dear ! To e Convocation hot Condemnation Are parts of the Faith we revere. Lorp Gurer he is coming, oh dear, oh dear ! Lorp Grey he is coming, oh dear ! To prove that all others Davenport Brothers, And he’s not a quack, but a seer. Cuantey Woop he is coming, oh dear, oh dear ! Cxartex Woop he is coming, oh dear ! Well-informed, too, behold him, _ For some one has told him A jaguar ’s not a jaghire. Mr. Lawson is coming, oh dear, oh dear ! Ma. Lawson is coming, oh dear ! He’s cracked if he judges We'll yield what he grudges, An Englishman’s right to his beer. Joun Bricut he is coming, oh dear, oh dear! Jouw Bricur he is coming, oh dear ! To bid every “rough” rage And clamoor for suffrage— Is that your aim—preacher austere ? Mr. Cox he is coming, oh dear, oh dear ! Cox he is coming, oh dear ! The Governing Race is Not now in his graces : But suppose they should make him a Peer ? TRELAWNEY is coming, oh dear, oh dear ! TRELAWNEY is coming, oh dear ! inging hammers and axes To b down Church-taxes : Religion must perish, that’s clear. Ma. Ewart is coming, oh dear, oh dear ! Ewanzt is coming, oh dear ! He ’d do unto all craft Belonging to Catcrart, did to the hangman, King Lear. Locks Kine he is coming, oh dear, oh dear ! Locke Kune he is coming, ob dear ! With the small resolution That ’s 47s contribution Towards perfectibility here. Pors Hennessy ’s coming, oh dear,,oh dear! Pors Hennessy ’s coming, oh dear! With vigour and valiance Ol Dement is comming, ah: Bech Suet BERKELEY is. coming, oh-dear ! t To paint, with bright The cee et Gee And be called, by its friends, insincere. Mr. Newpzeate’s coming, oh dear, oh dear ! NEWDPEGATE’s coming, oh dear! ‘ ‘To prove toleration Has ruined the nation, And pay her a Protestant tear. The Corowets are coming, oh dear, oh dear | The CoLonEts are coming, oh dear ! To stand up for arrack, Cat, bearskin, and barrack, And beg that we won’t interfere. Mn. Rozzuck is coming, oh dear, oh deat ! Rogsvck is coming, oh dear ! From “ saloons” at Vienna, To give us all senna And salts, till we feel very queer. Ma. Hen.eyx,is coming, oh dear! oh dear ! Mr. Hen ey is coming, oh dear! To growl and to ble Tf bailiff, or Bumble, Or bosh, from our system we shear. Num Scutty is coming, oh dear, oh dear ! Num Scuxty is coming, oh dear ! Our warm benediction Was wasted on fiction, Which said that he would not. appear. Ma. x ’s not coming, oh dear, oh dear ! Ma. SEY ’s not coming, oh dear! To India goes Masszy To win a peace Plassy, And rival the bold Barrie Frere. Mn. Coppey is coming, oh dear, ch dear ! Mz. DEN is coming, oh dear ! But oh we hope, hi verpool’s hing, To spoil a true statesman’s career. Mn. Cow?sr is coming, oh dear, oh dear! Mr. Cowrsr is coming, oh dear ! To promise that roses Shall gladden our noses, . When Battersea’s like Bendermeer. Mr. Giapstons is coming, oh dear, oh dear ! Mz. GiapstonE is coming, oh dear ! *Mid his exquisite phrases We’re betting like blazes Which way the Reformer will veer. Ma. Pounon he is coming, oh joy, oh joy! Mr. Puncu he is coming, oh joy! With a new rod in pickle, The Toby to tickle Of every bad Parliament boy. *

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Feprvary 11, 1866. OUR PLAY BOX. Mr. Ponon’s Devicat at Finpmve nis Dear OLD PUPPETS WHERE HE LEFT THEM IN JULY. PERFIDIOUS ENGLISH. Tue French journal, Ze Monde Artiste, is good enough to take the following notice of us :— “ Qugen Victoria has resolved to confer the title of barronet on the Poet Lanwent, ALFRED We were so grateful and pleased at reading this in a contemporary, that we instantly sent over for Le Monde Artiste, and we have had much pleasure in trans- lating, and have still more in publishing the rest of the paragraph :— “These distinctions are scarcely worthy a nation that boasts a SHAKsPrRE, a Bensonsone, a SHEELEY, and a TING TworarR, and we infer, not without a certain lively regret, that the democratic lessons of M. BrietH and M. Wuir of Brigton, haye not taught our fat neighbours better things. Is it an honour to the cuppertars of your heraldic arms the two gory hands of Ulstar, the ould they hold Ferapay’s telescope firmer, or make steadier M. Amy? Would they guide better the pencil of Sransrzup, M.P., or of Hanpet, the celebrated animal painter, of the royal Fir, of the chivalrous Vann, of the powerful Mzetay? Would they lend what the English call wigour to the ent GLALDSTONEs, or new subtlety to the epigrams of M. Disratite? Would they make the admirable Suc Rezr a more sheirebie tenor, or baritonalize more eminently the bold Sr. Lay, now in Spain? Would they really adorn the shield of Dickows, or the lozenge of Mapame Anam, the Venerable Breve. Ah, no! Let us rather say with the wild exciseman of the Highlands, * Haman’s Haman, for all that, and twixth as much as the stomp on the ginney?” THE ZOOLOGICAL SHAKSPEARE. Dear Puncu, SHAKSPEARE has been peed to have been almost everything. Do you not think that at some period of ‘his life, he was a keeper at the Zoological Gardens of the time? Else, where did he get his splendid knowledge of natural history ? He must have known that in India the native princes tame the hunting-leopard and use him forsport. Forin Henry IV. Part IL, Act ii., Scene 4, he makes Falstaff say, “He (Pistol) is no swaggerer, hostess. A tame Cheetah—you may stroke him as gently asa puppy greyhound.’ How beautifully this describes our two animals whom the little boys love to irritate by running up and down before the cages, and I wish they wouldn’t. Yours, respectfully, A KegErer IN THE GARDENS. Regent's Park. “ AS THE OLD COCK CROWS, THE YOUNG COCK LEARNS.” Wings ie lee Papa Or at the F. O. wastes, 4 the tankful, y the Laney Pruss poe oe rattling awa Hark to “my Son, Sit!” Huzzaed by rough and tough, Chartist and coster, Petted by Barzs ann Co., Patted by Fostsr. Not Briext at Birmingham More ocratic ; Not LeatHaM emptier Or more emphatic. From the mob’s shoulders, Cocky and clamberly, Reaches to Parliament Yo Viscount AMBERLEY : Reform Bill the first RussgEt1’s RussE.zs aye reckoned ; So a RussEt1 arises To father the Second. Conceive Pa’s delight hen “ my Son” mounts the hobby, Whereon erst to glory Pa rode from the lobby ; To I, new ryomey ith tongue like a clapper, Puff the old “ Russell Purge” With a new stamp and wrapper! The old cock crowed loud, But the young cock crows louder— A crow’s compass must swell, The more noisy the crowd are ; Yet for Lords to throw dirt * On the Peerage too bad I call— Lorp Russgit is Whig, Viscount AMBERLEY Radical : Goes in for the masses, Would trust to the millions To tool their own drag Without Peers for postilions : Yas a en tinctions elp young Swells’ rising— Which, considering his debt to them ’s ther surprising. To your sire’s son the hint, p’rhaps, ay seem of the oddest. But it ¢s held a — In a youth to be modest Very small trees may grow m ve seeds, | Though Reform be the plant, * | And the Platform be ane & > DECIDED INTERVENTION. | TxosE Manchester fellows are—we had nearly written a Rum Lot, but we prefer to say are extremely eccentric. One of them advertises thus :— ANTED, a WIFE, with £10,000 and a warm heart, by | a Widower of mature age, affectionate, and active in body and | mind.—Address, &c. What does the affectionate mean by mature age ? | Bother his active mind and y! We dare say he is a} horrid old fidgety bore. Besides, what has all his activity | been good for, if he wants money at his time of life? Warm heart? Bosh!—cool ten thousand is what he is thinking of. Let any lady who may think of answering him, write to us first (if the £10,000 is right), and we will put her in the way of getting somebody better than this ol donkey.

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Fesrvary 11, 1865.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. 61 | | MR. PUNCH’S HANDY-BOOK OF THE STAGE. CHAP. X.—THE ACTOR-MANAGER, F course the Manager’s tactics will vary according to circumstances, such as his main object in m ement, the situation and character of his theatre, the time of year, and the set of public taste It is a vulgar error to suppose that every Manager’s first object is money. Where, as is every day more common the Manager is an actor, all sordi aims are very often nobly subordi- nated to purely artistic considera- tions, and we ~ ne uently see a stemect consent ose money provide 2 may but gratify his artistic instinets by appearing in a great part. Such a sacrifice of course claims its reward. The Manager-Actor, as the head of his com best business. To throw his own part into strong relief, he will, at whatever cost to his own feelings, find it neces- sary to keep down all rest. His company cannot fairly grumble at |i this. Every picture must ha al light; and as artists, they must be aware that nothing gives so | Ee ‘ much effect to a bit of positive colour | as_a judicious setting of neutral tints. : object as Manager will be i? are an actor, fore, ~ eyes of the public. If you y in — in run, your success must be ifs success. sides, you are bound {o consider your own ——y future. The may turned to account in as Actor. You cannot be blamed for i 5 ane a 70n have to fix and pay salaries, it own at a high figure able to set yourself ‘ The public is not apt to analyse successes, nor particularly keen in | assigning the proportions in which individual actors contribute to its | Pleasure, nor how much of this is due to the performers, and how much to the piece. It should be your aim to impress upon them, that, on the | stage, all success is due to the Actor, and among actors to the leading one—yourself. You must not neglect any opportunity of guiding the | criticism of the Press ina proper direction to strengthen this impression. Tf you can once succeed in raising yourself to the sphere of a theatrical star, your future ought to be made. Even though you lose‘money as hoe, in the pursuit of this noble ambition, you may soon recoup | yourself in “starring” en: ments. | To become a star it’will of course be necessary that you should play | alljthe best pes _If you revive old plays, you will naturally choose | those only which will enable you to distinguish yourself in the most | Opposite styles. Thus it is well to alternate high tragedy and low pens: and occasionally to “double” a part, so as to display your versatility in the same piece. Of new plays, you will only accept those which give you a proper opportunity for displaying your ability, and will take care that all the | h = but_your own are judiciously subordinated. If in any of them you etect a dangerous amount of colour, on first: perusal of the piece, see that the author takes it out. Good situations and speeches may often, you will find, be transferred with advantage to the general effect from other parts to your own. With all your precautions, however, you will sometimes find a part coming out'into mischievous prominence in rehearsal. In these cases you should first warn and advise the offender of his mistake, in a friendly way. If the actor prove incorrigible, and persist in bringing is character into too high a light, take him out of it, and entrust it to some more conscientious member of your company. You d this course economical, as well as conducive to the artistic subordination of effects. It will enable you to dispense with an expensive company, and to concentrate your outlay on yourself, and your scenery, dresses, and decorations, which, between them, make up the attraction of your eatre, You will, of course, second your efforts ix the theatre by taking proper measures to enlighten public opinion out of it. I have already alluded to your duty in relation to the recognised organs of opinion. ou will soon find out those of the critics who have the faculty of artistic appreciation, and it, will at once be your duty, and your plea- sure, to show reed sense of their merits by all the little attentions and yo ch constitute so agreeable a bond between the artist critic. y, is entitled to the | ; _ To the grosser public, which cannot be expected to appreciate_criti- cism, you must appeal by means of the hoarding, and the poster. Much is to be done even by these means to guide and elevate the taste of the masses, They like large letters and flaring colours. The limits of size and splendour seem to have been reached for the moment. #:But mechanics and chemist ther, will probably soon enable us to enlarge even our present Brobdi ian sheet-posters, and to intensify the gorgeousness of their colouring, Think of this. ; You should not. be above ben your mind even to considerations ies at a first glance, may seem rather within the domain of the bill- sticker. Do not forget that appealing to the public is an art as well as acting, and one which no Manager now-a-days can disdain. Reiteration and ao amma are as important elements of stage popu- larity as action of ora’ - If every hoarding an Sot wall in Seen conceene Sp sated proclaim, in capi » or reana ne an athe, e your theatre, the public will not be long in taking both for and in ot to ascertain if the announcement is true Britighlaree PE tae f adélies- ri 0! 0 in enthusiasm, faithful to its favouri ith a nose that Q its wearer by than for sui out faults, and aod ween bss ying, an value received for its _to be put large the Manager who is not an Actor, in our next, TOUCHING EXPRESSION OF GRATITUDE. _ To ingested and Royal Provincial Tribunal of Vienna, Penal Sec- tion, has been sitting in judgment on Mg. Punch, in respect of an “article” of his called “‘ Mephistopheles to the Reichsrath,” and another og ” called “ A Covered Insult.” Stay, here is the Tribunal’s own language, about the first case:— “ SENTENZ4. ‘LL’ I. R. Tribunale provinciale di Vienna, Sezione penale, in forza del potere conferitogli da 5S. M. I. R. A, ha giudicato che il tenore dell’ articolo: ‘ Mephis- tophele to the Reichsrath’ contenuto nel N. 1220 del giornale settimanale illustrato Punch, che si pubblica a Londra, costituisce il fatto in genere del crimine di offesa alla Maest& sovrana a tenore del § 63 del Cod. pen., ed tte a tale decisi a senso del § 36 della legge sulla stampa il divieto dell’ ulteriore sua diffusione.” The second is like unto it, only instead of calling Mr. Punch’s article an offence to the Sovereign Majesty, it is called an “insult” to ditto, and there is added a sentence of confiscation. Mr. Punch begs to return his most humble and hearty thanks to the Sovereign Majesty, to L’ I. R. Tribunale, to the ~~ P., one Scuwakz, who signs the sentences, and to the elegant THALLINGER, his secretary, as also to the Official Gazette of Venice, in which these sen- tences are published. A more admirable and efficient means of informing Austrians and Italians that there are two remarkably good things in Punch, which the Government does not want them to see, could hardly ave been devised, and, only adding that any letters from Venice or Vienna, or elsewhere, shall receive all attention at his publis office, he subscribes himself, with intense devotion to the Supreme esty. with best respects to L’ L R. T., with kind regards to Scuwanz, an with Zodby’s love to THALLINGER, i ‘ Tl Presidente, PUNCH. Il Segretario di Consiglio, Tost. A Line from Churchill. is returning from Cambridge high in the l Tripos.) “ Tae Mother eyes the ‘ Wrangler’ with a smile.” (Al the service of any Mamma, whose Son Mat i RECOGNITION. Tue Federals must not be angry with us, but every time we go to see the Juggling of the Davenports, or other humbugs, we Recognise the Confederates ; How to Meer Cavatry (in THE Sreeezs).—If encountered by the enemy’s horse in the van, bring up your foot and attack it in flank. A Morro ror roune Sxaters.—Won vi, sed sepe cadendo.

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruary 11, 1865. ON EARNING HIS CERTIFICATE. Family Doctor. ‘AyD xo Pont, MIND; IF YOU DRINK PorT WINE YOU'LL HAVE ANOTBER ATTACK OF GOUT, AS SURE AS FATE.” Country Gentleman, “‘ QUITE CERTAIN ?”’ Doctor, “No DOUBT aBouT Ir.” Country Gentleman. “ THE VERY THING. YOU STAY AND DINE; WE'LL HAVE SOME OF THAT ‘THIRTY-FOUR, aND——I’M SUMMONED 4 JURY THE Day arrEeR To-moRROW !” THE BUMPKIN AND THE BUTCHER Ra | ** How canst thee, now Par,” I sez to un, sez L “* How canst thee stand there now, and fell me that lie ? OR, JERKED: BEEF. | Dost call that beef hoss ? Hass as well medst call me, . But I han’t got the ears for believun’o’ thee. Ir you bea hunger d, to comfort your grief ; 2 I bring you glad tidings of cheap and good beef, “ The lab’rers partakes it their stummacks to fill fill'up your glasses and pass the jug round : In Cuba, ‘and ates it likewise in Brazil. Here’s prime beef a zellun at threepence a pound. There’s judges has tried it, knows what they ’re about, . a And all on ’em found it a proper blow-out. This here beef from Chili comes over to we, DA tyne : , . Likewise from La Plata; they calls it charkee, Zet people agin it you butchers ’ood fain, - Whereof we makes “ jerked,” like as usual we doos, . For fear it should lessen your proffut and gain ; Wi they forrun words of Signors and Moossoos. But zay what you will, you wun’t vrightem poor men ' From buyun at threepence what you zells at ten. Sitch beef, beun properly zalted and dried, Must needs be prepared for to line the inzide, “ Chawbacons fine gentlefolks often calls we ; And if you proposes upon it to dine, You must zoak it and steep it to get out the brine. Then beat it wi mallet, or roll it wi pin, Zo not for'to let no zalt liquor bide in ; Then cut it in bits which you biles ur you stews, | A Link in a Fog. | } Well, now then let’s chaw zum o’ that there charkee, I zay live and let live, and plenty abound, Success to thé beef only threepence a pound.” en een Here ’s some light reading for you : — Says 1.to Pui, Steers, in his surplus o’ blue, | TS= MISSING LINK MAGAZINE is. dedicated to the British an@ | Foreign Bible Society, and has the Morithly Reporter stitched up with each Fresh beef must’ soon come down from tenpence theet ’zee, eniineee’ " “We shan’t need much longer depend upon you. Now when we can purchus good zalt beef for three.” Says Put, wi a grunt like a hog in a huff, “* Beef? Yaa, that ain’t beef not that there charkee stuff! *Tis hossflesh,” says Part, “ fit for no Christian’s fare, Tue Gentitity or SpezcH.—At the Music Halls visitors now call Tis carron,” say PHILLUP, a says, “ is that there.” for “ another acrobat,” when they want a second tumbler. tleman is regularly “ sewn up. The Reporter ie much to be pitied. We suppose that the poor gen- Printed 4 a Bradbury, of No. 13, Soper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. eye in the County of Miadlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie S| im the Precinct of Wh of of London, Printe Ts, at it Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct London.—Sartvunpay, February 11, 1865. hitefriars, City of London, and fublished by them at No. 8, Fleet Street, in the P: of St. Bride, Ciy

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Fepruary 18, 1865.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI* PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. UESDAY, Febru 7th, 1865, be the last Session of the Parliament evoked by the Conservatives for their own extrusion from office. The weather showed itself equal to the melancholy occasion. “ A trouble, both of clouds and weeping rain Engendered, hung o’er Barry’s triple height, Spirits of power assembled there, did plain Of bodies splashed, and all in muddy plight.” Ask you why senatorial faces gloomed? Dissolving views of Dissolution loomed. This Parliament has lived to an unnatural old age, and has assumed somewhat of an awful character. It remembers events that have tong panned out of the memory of the oldest inhabitant. It weird whisperings and mutter- ings, and hints about some great thing which is going to happen. It has a painful consciousness of its own time having been mis-spent, and therefore it abuses all around it for not being in a frenzy of energy. Also, it is a bore. But it must be borne with until released, and this day was the Beginning of the End. The Poet Puncu shows his sense of the solemn character of the day, and chronicles it in an . Sdyll of the Queen. A storm was coming, but the times were still, _ Heading a band of Commons, WEsTEvRY said : When Westsury, from Welsh Ap ITHEL1 sprung, 4 The Estimates for the ensuing year Who keeps the conscience of the blameless Quzzn, Are ordered to your table by your QuEEN’: Spoke to Her Peers and Commons in Her name, They have been framed with economic care, And duly mindful of his oes and aes. But due attention to the public weal.’ ‘ With satisfaction doth the QuzEn recur Again enfolding in one general gaze Once more to your assistance and advice. That whole august heneeie, he resumed : The Austrian and the Prussian with the Dane * The country’s case is satisfactory, Have made a treaty. What is done is done. Up to the estimate the income springs. Neca bodes the stirring of war’s embers now. Distress in manufacturing homes abates, Still in death grapple writhe CoLUMBIL4’s sons, And the late labour law you gave works well. Still sternly neutral doth Britannia stand, The last Hibernian harvest-time was good, Still for their reconcilement prays the QuEEN. And Erin’s commerce soars on emerald wings: In far Japan a rebel Daimio’s rage _ Statements her sons of course will contradict. Infringed a treaty, and his powerless liege . To useful legislation we shall ask Failing to right the wrong, our cannon spoke, Your willing help. A Temple must be reared Echoed by French and Dutch and Yankee guns, Where the twin gods of Equity and Law, His forts are ashes, and all seems serene, Those Dioscuri of the British state, Whereof shall documents inform you more. May smile their costly smiles beneath one roof. Not quite submissive yet on earth is laid The Statutes must be cleared of all their trash, The tattooed brow of the New Zealander, And so condensed, that (as your Sovereign hopes) But he hath learned a lesson, learned as well A Code Victoria may one day be born. ; The or terms might bring him to our grace. , The patient, thoughtful sage, whose painful toil On Abraham’s heights grave delegates have met Strikes out some grand invention, now is left Scheming to link in one grand Federal bond At the no-mercy of a Patent law A Our North American dependencies. By which the shallow greedy quack ’s enriched ; The project likes us much, and if it fadge This must be mended. To those sordid Courts Your solemn sanction shall be surely sought. Named from the County) where, proverbially, dia is tranquil, but the Bhootanese_ he retail tradesman bears tyrannic sway, Have had to feel the British boot can kick. Some Equity must now be taught. The Poor Dread was the hurricane that lately swept Should be relieved from the epee | churl, O’er our Palatial city in the East, Nor treated worse than felons, and the Schools, And direful was the slaughter. All that gold Endowed by the great dead, must be reformed And British energy could do was theirs Till fit to train the living to be great.’ Who mourn their thousands, and with whom we mourn!’ Thus, ending gravely with the accustomed prayer, Projecting on a level next his glance Spoke WzstsuRy, from Welsh Ap ITHEtL sprung, Where the tall Denison stood full in view ho keeps the conscience of the blameless QuzEn. VoL, XLVIII.

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64 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Fesruary 18, 1865, Tuesday Evening. Lond CHARLEMONT, in moving the Address, very justly, if not very profoundly, remarked that the Speech presented few matters of importance. RD HovucHTon seconded, and gave an artistic sketch of the state of foreign affairs, and specially urged law reform at home. The noble Densrpzs, translator of Homer, then addressed the Chiefs :— On GRANVILLE, first, Sarcastic glance he cast, and thus he spake :— “Tis well, and thus an aged Minister May fitly soothe a dying Parliament, : ose hours should not be stirred —_—s discord or exciting jar. _ nro geet thee OB etaul is i ug. t oot ie Foreign colleague, nor demand im we wage a little war, ; Thy a *s the row in Ind? — on i eous colleague seemeth uninformed. But this for future counsel we remit. . Yet hear my words, I pray. Across the brine Our cousins clutch at the other’s throat, . Though three years since, O chiefs! we all were told Another month would clutch their hands in peace. Soar 9 ne rete a stands eu oug ungrateful are the men ‘Whom most he favours, but I bid him heed Lixeoin burns to cast the fatal spear, Signal for war, or, like the Athenians old, To loose a Lamb into ey ag cal _ “Apva mpopdrAew, as our Cox would say. _ Upon the lakes he thirsts to launch his ships, And why? That he hath fear of Canada ! Canada me no Canadas, the wolf Was in more deadly peril from the lamb han Uncre Samuet from our provinces. He means aggression, therefore be prepared, Or we shall summon you to dire account. No more of that. Sonorous as the Speech Is your Address, and truly meaning nought, And therefore let it have our full assent.” Thus spoke DERBrvEs, and from off the board He took his staff, with golden head adorned, And, careful not to sit upon his hat, Resumed his seat amid a general cheer, Bestowed in part upon the statesman keen, Bestowed in upon the scholar true, And ratified by plaudit from great Punch. Having no intention of injuring the success of Lonp Dersy’s volumes by inditing an Opposition Homer, Mr. Punch will now descend to prose, if there be no better name for his exquisitely pellucid diction. He roceeds to note that Lorp GRranvitze replied to Lory Dersy, paid im a ful compliment — his literary achievement, and inti- mated that the humour shown in his speech might arise from his belief that the next election would carry him into office. His Lordship explained that somebody had forgotten to put into the Speech any dis- tinct explanation about the In difficulty, which might have been anywhere for aught that Cuartey Woop had caused the CuanceLLor to say. The poet Punch has rectified the error in the Idyll; he never snaps at flies. Lorp Lerrrr was very sorry that Ireland was very miserable, and was very happy that Lorp Woprnovse had been made LL. The Eart Rousset then replied to Lorn Dexsy, with sundry vindications, and specially declared that the latter had not done justice to the irritation in the United States, which had adopted a course that did not seem unnatural. He added, that the Yankees should have no compensation for anything the 4/abama_and her sisters had done, and he finished with some words which Mr. Punch quotes :— «When I see there is a proposition before the American Co ss to putan end to an abominable crime—the keeping men in slavery—and to abolish for ever involun- tary servitude in the constitution of the United States, I rejoice that so great a blot is about to be removed from the character of a civilised nation. (Cheers.)” And very proper cheers ; but the abolition of slavery is quite com- tible with Fhe invasion of Canada, and therefore’Mr. Punch presents Wh passing i is respectful compliments to all whom it may concern, and begs to state that he is on the look-out, and that it will be very awkwar anybody else who may prove not to have imitated him. the Commons the debate was so exceeding dummy—double dummy, in fact—that Mr. Punch chronicles it only to show his con- tempt for the Dignity of History. Sm H. Writiamson and Mr. Hay- BURY Tracy moved and seconded the Address ; Mr. Scuxty scullified ; Dr. Brapy said that the ph on Ireland was more worthy of Punch than of the Speech, but we see nothing in that paragraph to deserve so outrageous a compliment; Mr. H. Szymour wanted all sorts of reforms, and grumbled at Mn. Massry’s being sent to India ; Mr. R. Lone had been to Ireland, and had come away horrified, but wished the Prince or Warzs were Viceroy, and for the enactment for | but Lorp PatMERsToN of a penalty on absentee-ism ; Mn. Scourrieip (we promise ourselves many pleasing Spoerities out of his name, and we hope he will like them) objected to any false economy in military matters; Mr. Macurre declared that the Irish were deeply discontented and also deeply disaffected—we are sorry to read the first allegation, and glad to _the second, for we hate affectation—Si Ropert Psew argued ably in support of the Irish ; Lorp Fermoy thought that the last Session of a Parliament was not a time to introduce a Reform Bill, and he also stated that the last Irish harvest was not an ave one; Sr F. Crossiey did not see what injustice was done to Ireland ; . Kiyetake wished to know why we had recognised Emperor Maxrmitian of Mexico, whom, he being a of another Emperor, Ma. Krnenaxe was of course pre to consider as akind of second- rate fiend; Cotonen Syxxs complained of our conduct in China and Sin Cuantes Woop was almost inaudible in the gallery. _ The only diverting incident, on the opening night, was the rise of that bright accidental star, Mr. Darsy Grirrira, who “ was received with ironical cheers and laughter,” and who “thanked the House for the ae connect ng ty, iin ne he had Lens ce suggestion to make, namely, e penny colonial stam should be used in Hogiand. er . Wednesday. The Commons agreed to the Address, Scuniy and some other Trish taking a division, and showing the weakness both of their numbers and of their brains. Thursday. The CHANCELLOR exposed the abominable ing of the Bankruptey Law. It cost, last year £283,872 to divide £533,664 among creditors. That sentence ought to be the sen- tence of the system. We eee a beautiful aphorism. Truth is stranger than fiction. We were led to invent this saying by a notice given to-night. In one of ures that we have ever heard, one called AigAt with the tclos Gon muet tats oe one calle ight wi (we t we forget the lecturer’s name) we remember that among the illustrations of Parliamentary Petitions for ay ry ies was given “a petition against the payment of rent in d.” The audience went into a roar. To-night, Mx. Macurre gave notice that he should move for leave to bring im @ Bill to abolish the law of distress for rent in Ireland which, of course, is exactly the same thing, for who in his senses would pay rent if he were not obliged? We conceive that the lecturer we allude to has a claim against. Macurre for com tion. i ent will — about Railway Accidents, Mr. Grsson — that very few ts oceur, and also that last year the Rail- ways had paid £174,000 for damages by accidents. The public may either reconcile the two statements, or derive comfort from whichever seems to offer most of the article. . The Bankruptcy System is sent to a Select Committee, so that ample time will be allowed for gentlemen with fraudulent intentions to carry jout their little games, before Parliament can interfere. Mr. Punch | has ordered some carriages, has taken a house at £600 a year, and has |requested Mrs, Punch to dress in a manner becoming her station and | the income he derives from creditors. | Friday. Siz Gzorce Grey said, that in’ reference to explosions like |that at Erith, he had nothing to say at present, but the most — inquiries were being made as to the probability of gunpowder exploding when fire was applied to it. He should also do nothing to revent crushes at existing theatres, when of fire were given, ut the Lorp CHAMBERLAIN would license no new buildings in which ja chance of escape should not be afforded. If the public is | scrunched after this notice, it is the public’s own fault, of course. Sin Joun WatsH made as on the American Lakes question, that an irritating topic should not. be | pursued, that he had no reason to believe that the Americans desired hosti- | lities, and that at all events we should not assume the fact. Very proper and meaningless, of course, and just what a Minister is bound to say. Mz. Dopson was elevated into the place of Mr. Massey, as Chair- man of Committees. He is an excellent man of business, and though he speaks a little thickly, this Donsow has no connection with Focc. . GLADsTONE had a good deal to say about country Banks of Issue, to which he proposes to concede certain boons. Without enter- ing into details, which are revolting, Mr. Punch informs the amiable wives and pretty daughters of all country bankers that Papa has had a = slice of luck, and ought to give at least one dinner party and two ances. A suggestion of mischief naturally brings Mr. Punch to the Courts of Law, and to the mention that the Government now proposes the concentration of the Courts, and the placing them between Chancery Lane and Clement’s Lane. The expenses will be a million and a half, which is about the yearly expense of the cabs in which clerks rush about after their learned masters, who at present scatter over Town. The legal members grumbled over the Bills for effecting the purpose, but sanctioned them. Like their divinity, Dulness, “‘ The lawyers, with a discontented air, Seem to rejecthim though they grant the prayer.” And so endeth the chronicle of the first week of the last Session of Lorp Dersy’s patricidal Parliament.

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ae een SS FO ee Fepruary 18, 1865, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 65 NARCISSUS. CRAWL ALONG THE CURBSTONE. (Cabby Sings.) Ain—“ Down among the Dead Men.” HERe’s a health to Dick Maynz, and the kind Police Wot walks the streets and keeps the peace, Come, let us drink it whilst we ’re here ; There is a Jug wot olds no beer. Here’s unto them as winks their eye ; Crawl along the curbstone slowly by. To cross the ae fm. omens penn, Creep wery slow along the ground, And so itructia hof her view, Her course prewent her to pursue ’ By keeping right afore her eye ; Crawl along the curbstone slowly by. In crowded streets your wheels can roll Intirely free from hall control ; So therefore let them gently move Close alongside of that old eove To catch ’is bus wot strains “is eye ; Crawl along the curbstone slowly by. Our wested rights we will maintain— Thank “ Bobby” and Sir Richarp Mayne; gene cas 8 ab ae, They shan’t no busses get aboard ; ’Fore them as won’t a hus comply, Crawl the curbstone slowly by. A Ghip of the Old Block. Youne Viscounr Amser.ey comes of good family on the eanse of Reform ; But his , EARL RUSSELL, is not in a bustle To strike till the iron is warm. A CIVIL (ENGINEERING) QUERY. THE newest mechanical contrivance announced is Mr; N’s invention of “ Weaving by Compressed Air.’ Little Podgers (who considers himself rather a Lady-killer). “Ou, I'm not gorne | Is this what has been so long “ looming in the future ? ” INTO THAT EMPTY CARRIAGE; PUT ME INTO ONE WITH SOME PReETTy GaLs.” Porter. ‘You sump 1n, Stn, AND PUT YER "EAD OUT OF THE WINDER, YOU'LL SOON HAVE A CARRIAGE-FULL.” Goop Prace ror Hor Wine 1n Corp WEATHER.— [Podgers sees it immediately, and enters. | The Isle of Mull. PUNISHMENT FOR BAD SPELLING. Tue Strand Musick Hall Company owes a trifle of £45,000, can’t pay it, and the sheriff has been “in.” Sm Jonn Romutty has ordered the Company to be wound UB, This comes of spelling Music with a K. That letter is sounded, says Wezster, “ with an opening of the mouth and a depression of the lower jaw.” ‘We apprehend that such will certainly the way the hy pose will sound it for the rest of their natural lives. Perhaps, eing kappa, and the adventurers having had a dose of it, their facetious friends will call them the Cappa- docians, a joke that may do much to console them, under the circum- stances, or rather in presence thereof; for you cannot be under things which are round you, except the bed-clothes, under which circumstances is the ee place this weather, which is going to be worse, if possible, which can hardly be. We fear that we have digressed, but do not apologise, as we were anxious to get away from an yy on subject, to which we at once return by asking what is going to be done with the curious and instructive edifice in Catherine Street? The delicate thing would be to turn it into a school, where particular attention should be given to spelling. Literary Intelligence. Tue other day a well-known Poet wrote a long poem in fés. H s Pp & was immediately conveyed to bed, where he kicked off all the clothes: he is now perfectly recovered. A CLERICAL ERROR. How wrong it seems that London’s sweet prelate Shonld bear a name so sour as A. C. Tarr! (acetate), Tae Porirican Carter or THE Ricut Honovrase B. Drskak1. (By Coventry Patmors.)—‘‘ The Angel in the House.” FLOWER OF TRADE SLANG. Ma, Pounce . At the outside of Covent Garden Market, the other day, ona florist’s stall, I observed a lot of roots labelled “ Aconite for Planting.” Struck with what seemed a rather extraordinary notification of a v common plant though a very virulent poison, and thinking aloud, ee to my companion, in a tone of some surprise, “ Aconife for ing ! ” “Nice Aconite to-day, Sir!” instantly cried the stall-keeper, who had overheard me. é Nice Aconite! Of course he would as soon have said “ Nice Hen- bane,” or “ Nice Nightshade.” I wonder if, at another time of the day, and the world’s age, he would have said, “ Nice Hemlock this evening, Sir,” to Socrates? The flower-stall keeper’s commen- dation of Aconite as “nice” naturally suggested this question to a peripatetic PHILOSOPHER. Stagira Cottage, February, 1865. Suggestion for Sensible Girls. Tue difference between a plain young lady and a pretty one is in general merely the Gbrencs denier two different arrangements of fat and cellular tissue.—Smelfungus, NAUTICAL, Waar are Brrranyia’s weapons for naval warfare ? The Arms of the Sea. é FOR THE USE OF SCHOOLS. Summary of Latin Classical Education.—Ovin’s Art of Love is the ng and Short of it.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruary 18, 1865. \ SN pe SS = FRIGHTFUL CONSEQUENCE OF THE FROST. Julia, “Toe WatTER WAS ALL FROZEN IN OUR JUGS LAST NIGHT.” Mamma. “ AND SO IT WAS IN MINE, Cecil. “I pon’r know! !” Dear. Was it in yours, Cecrn?” ’ DRESSMAKING MADE EASY. LavIgs, give your orders to the London Dressmaking Company Caniaes), shortly about to commence business at 18, Clifford Street, md Street. Give your orders in time, Ladies, in order to enable this humane Society to carry out its benevolent intentions. The benevolent intentions contemplated by this Association are the production of the prettiest of all possible dresses, and the preservation of the health, and the sufficient remuneration of the dressmakers who construct them. A moderate fixed maximum of profit on capital invested, say eight per cent., all gains above that amount to go tothe good of the workwomen ; hours of work from eight to eight, two hours out of those twelve to be allowed for meals, making the work-hours ten, whether in or out of the Season : these are the principal points which the London Dressmaking Company (Limited) proposes to go upon. Consider, Ladies, with what unalloyed pleasure you will contemplate your clothes in the mirror, knowing that they have been made with no ruinous expense of vital energy on the part of their makers, who, to make them, will not have been obliged to sit up all night in close rooms, breathing carbonic acid. For well ventilated work-rooms con- stitute part of the scheme of the London Dressmaking Company (Limited). Fancy with what unmitigated ecstasy you will ce in ball-dresses made under wholesome conditions. Think of the perfect self-complacency and satisfaction with which you will appear in Church on Sundays, attired in the height of fashion. The London Dressmaking Company, Ladies, is patronised by the Lord BisHor or Lonpon and the Lord Bisnor or OxrorpD, and also by the Right Reverend the Ear. or SHarrespury. It has engaged hands that will get you up anything as sweet as was ever confectionné by a Parisian modisée. | So, give your orders, Ladies, to the London Dressmaking Company ; in time, ies: time is the one thing needful to enable it to accom- plish its purpose, which is to provide you with dresses that shall cost | you a reasonable price, and not cost the young women who make them consumption and typhus. In the accomplishment of that purpose, may the London Dressmaking Company (Limited) obtain unlimited success. THE GREAT UNPAID FOR EVER! CoNSIDERABLE excitement has been caused at Leeds by a sentence of one month’s imprisonment lately pronounced upon Exiza STRAFFORD, a respectable woman, aged 55, servant of H. Cnortey, Esq, J. P., for stealing a pound of dripping which she had given away under the im- pression that it was her lawful perquisite. = The Leeds Justices, the other day, also distinguished themselves by the administration of justice thus recorded :— “*Marrua Drury, a middle-aged woman, appeared in answer to a summons charging her with using abusive language to Matitpa Davipson, a neighbour. She was also charged with having assaulted her. The case having been proved, the defendant was fined 20s. and costs, with the alternative of serving 14 days in prison. The defendant expressed her ess to serve the time stated, and as she was leaving the dock, she turned to the, complainant, and making use of threatening language, said, ‘I'll give it thee, lass, when I come out.’ The Bench, hearing the threat, immediately called her back, and told the woman that she was guilty of contempt of court, and that her sentence would be altered to two months’ imprisonment without the option of a fine.” They do not manage these things better in Russia or in Turkey, or in a British school governed by a clergyman. The laughter occasioned by a Bench of Country Magistrates enabling a sham detective to plunder young Mr. AsHwortH, has hardly yet subsided. Under these circumstances the nation may be congratulated on the omission, from the QuzEn’s Speech, of the following paragraph, which might have been expected to appear in it :— “Your attention will be directed to the consideration of a measure, substituting for unpaid Justices of the Peace, ignorant of law, and sense- less of justice, Stipendiary Magistrates who understand their business.” This innovation, which would only have the effect of paeting individuals, at some expense to the public, is for the present postponed.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Fesrvary 18, 1865. x _—_, rine Pet SS, Se te > ~— - & Se EE Se _~~sa= \ SSS SS SSS ~ aA ee ~~ S ~~ AS A RS BAA )) Se Ss SS Se ee Oe = THE THREATENING NOTICE. Attorney Lrxcotx. “NOW, UNCLE SAM, YOU’RE IN A DARNED HURRY TO SERVE THIS HERE NOTICE ON JOHN BULL. NOW, IT’S MY DUTY, AS YOUR ATTORNEY, TO TELL YOU THAT YOU M4Y DRIVE HIM TO GO-OVER TO THAT CUSS, DAVIS——” (Uncle Sam Considers.)

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| aes

| Fesrauary 18, 1865.) PUNCH. OR THE LONDON GHARIVARL .” 69

“NO CARDS.” AN IDYLL OF THE HEARTH.

And unctuous sausage my Oxford’s mart

urn wants = wares, umn stands the grave concludes. on battles and sr ues, steam- ae ea and papal bulls, — and ie fist gu ve bes and of a e; curtains are no longer worn, like republics, banish crowns ; ie ip DRANFIELD’ s trouble’s past, wns a roaring boy, then smiles dat she finds that marriage rites Cranzes and Fanny into one, at hal the time, the ‘ro, 9 the priest, meaning voice and looks that sauat not scorn. middie stone on life’s rough road in sight, custom veers and shifting fashions change, croak a mild duet, and praise the times, on old times when we were tw ie five, d spent a happy moon by med and tarn, ore the session of our lives be So taking these two chilling ative: ay text, With shrug and sigh contrasting now and then, We piakare, thus and thus, their sure results, The h with a Soc pew glance — e hymeneal changes they forebode. * No cards ”—to show where Cuarzzs and Fanny live : Whether in some suburban nest they coo, Or watch the river sparkling by the lawn, Or hear the thrushes singing in the Park, Or i in Woburnia’s placid squares consort. ” to fix the date of of their return m misty mountains crowned with snowy helms, (id tinfoil on their crowns); from beach and bay, The haunt of pce by ate the at of shrimps ; SER Jf ae

i ne

ERRES ae int

j E

aE iti E

Hit

eee

eae =e)

From passes, past and veiléd nuns, To cak ; and nd grain friends, To bu cooks, and ten to four. noe ater re interposed 0 prophesy, as goes thieving on, | ch of the nuptial dues.

uccessive cheapenings “No cake”—to rear its snow y splendours high Above the marriage board, and sweet and thick To comfort distant kin, and t thiek and sweet, With almond zest, to lure devouring youth ; = mystic morsel and no merry rite, no 0 pillow, and no dulcet dream. +S AxcaiE, to recall Mary’s ringers rang, And their great brown jug for ale, And drank sar health with cerevisial shouts )— N bells to greet the mated bride walk from church—no carriages, of course— apt iy roa Jeeting ania ses. nee staring street and gate, a No penkew oe ith its choice of various cheer : The lordly lobster in his scarlet mail, Plumed pheasant, , and the humbler fowl, The Strasbourg re pla, and ie Yorkshire pie, Dusk grapes yee from the Chauntry wall, The lucid jelly and voluptuous creams,

QO"ES ae urn proclaims Fresh a ™ Uncle Pe Huon f pong ber yolks, I see a room that | over- extend = her who sits before the

‘Westphalia’s ham and char from Cumbrian lakes, With speech mated "No bridesmaids!” blossoms

amuseinent with mstruction, on the plan by the Society. A i BS een eves mee yam fare 8 Cones Soe of “ The ” with a mildness the effect of which was heightened by his deep and powerful voice. ayes Wag) ee J gigantic in sang Dr. Warts’s pretty Hidtie' poom, % How doth the Wttle Bos Other Tetnkle: twinkle” and I an amongst which were “ Twinkle, twinkle,” and “ Little Boy Blue,’ on fone by various hey were then addressed the — fet who peck oO on to them, in a most affecting mg foe how very nice at was to be good, and how wrong it was to » re oe tlemen, reverends and other, compar oh pa the oS i distribu; tion of lollipops was then mad: be the Rev. Mx. G ur, highly gratified with their caterers. ponenated the <2 wielders te the pk and shovel, who had evidently been only just weaned from short pipes, went away sucking their thumbs.

BIRDS OF a Our exquisite Stat of mode’ dre among the “ Fashions for February,” gives a list of mod Pode cgeh the following description of some very decorations of one of them :— “In the hair, between the band is placed beautiful bird with wings qqrend, and spathar on, the eantze of the body.” A bird in the of the clasp or buckle which unites the cincture peters Becerc Name tars begs wep frre erage ng apr specimen, situated as the latter of these two birds is said ate haps, however, we are to un that the bird is worn upon the like the ny bed which maidens are sometimes represented in pictures as i . Buta stuffed tinny Spade wr would Sedaka hallow wbdhdar eily boctunn ef ksian: ix ek

Ornamental and Useful. A have my leasure in announcing a sweet thing in — ina pe alle epee ion. pal pen Emam stones of various colours, in two numerical fates fudioctine the the wearer’s age. pout The Queen.

ie. See et es ot “OF one bless compensation = Fee oar C) course cause. fea of se wit cous Fete expect to wtig' against the Crown ?

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70 PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Fesruary 18, 1865, THE EXECUTIVE, DETECTIVE AND DEFECTIVE POLICE. Extract from Diary of Police-Constable Sminxe. Monday, 1 r.m.—On my beat. Saw little boy es sites at me. Pretended not to see him. Caught him ove. Ordered happle woman to move on. Told crowd generally to move on. Bought a few walnuts of stall-woman. Nutts not much acount this season. Only two good out of twenty. Looked down number 29 Hairier and ummed a tune as I parsed the railings. Hanne not hin, nor Mary. Carnt make that hout. Shall keep a heye on or rege parteys in unaform as goes down unbeknown to the fammally. Lor I ain’t been in the force but I know what Cusins is: Ho what a green heyed monister is jellusy! I am a washing the Harrier still. No onecome. Oh Hanne! My hown, my butiful ! ought to be down the nex streets, Green Street and Snug Street on dooty! Wot and dessert my Hanne! No. The two nex streets is as quite asposable. A solegier of the Ors Red as disented the Hairier steps. Ho! Hanne! 2 v.m.—Still ’ere, an so his the ojus solegier. Their dress ain’t no as our elmets, He comes hout. Hanne bekens me hin, I cum. Extract from Tuesday's Newspaper. Daring and Extraordinary Robbery.—A robbery of the most auda- cious character was found to have been committed yesterday at No. 29, Snug Street, Pimlico, at the House of Mz. Snoozen, between the hours of One and Two in broad daylight. There are ordinarily two servants in the house; but one it appears had gone out on an errand, leaving the other up-stairs dressing. The ‘thieves broke open a valuable desk, ran- sacked the cupboards, regaled themselves with some of the contents of the cellar and the larder, laid hands upon a large quantity of plate, and finally decamped with their plunder. They must have stayed at least half-an-hour in the house, and the d done could not have been effected without considerable noise. Detective Porrer has examined the premises, and declares himself unable at present to come to any conclusion. Vigoivus measures have been promptly taken, and a telegram has been sent to every Police Station, stating the nature of the Theft. Police-Constable Smimxe, A 102, in whose ‘beat’ this lies, says he. can’t make out how it could have escaped his vigilance, as in the course of his duty he is up and down the street every | quarter of an hour. Extract from Police-Constable Winx’s Nete Book. Tuesday, 11 p.M.—On my beet, in the City. Narsty cold night. Miss Jang, as minds the house at VEsKET’s, the Tailor’s, didn’t come: hout for the beer as ushal. Hodd. Kep a sharp look hout for her. 11:30.—Walked parst Dintnn’s, the Julier’s. Good dodge is his: round oles in his shutters as a party can look through and see. 1! I saw Janz on the dorstep of Vesxet’s. Wornt er. Sawa omeliss| poor on the step. Told him not to loyter. Wont ave no loytring. ovedimon. Cold night. Torked to man with hot chesunts as wos goin ome. Chesunts not good this ere, sumow. ! | 12.—Narsty night. Moved on another omeliss poor. Stood in a doorway, hout o’ the wind. Sor Janz’s lite in Vesxet’s. “ O happy lite!” ses I to myself, “I wish I wor with Nancy has I hadore fore | evermore, hi ho!” 12°30 a.m.—Warked to the corner of the street. Went to doorway again. N down. Nobod Janz’s lite his * about. out. * * * * Extract from Wednesday's Paper, Daring and Extensive Robbery at Mz. Drwonn’s, the celebrated Jeweller's. — Last night, between the hours of eleven and one, Mr. | Drwonn’s shop was broken into, and jewellery to the amount of several thousand pounds abstracted. The iron safe had been wrenched open, and the strong iron chests literally smashed to pieces. This could not have been effected without cofisiderable noise. Mx. Datonn’s shutters and doors are perforated so as to allow the police- | man on duty to look in every quarter of an hour, as he is on | duty. The gas is kept alight in the shop, and Tenders Geeryibineg plainly visible through the several apertures. Police-Constable Wuxx was on duty that night at the time stated, but avers that though he kept the'usual watch upon the place, he neither heard nor saw anything culated to excite his suspicions. Tel have been sent to all the Police Stations stating the partic of the robbery; and Inspector Stopcz has minutely examined the premises. This ex rienced officer has expressed his opinion, that in own mind he no doubt whatever but that a robbery has been committed.

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Fesruary 18, 1865,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARITVART. 71 1, bf \ : i | Y Ny ) ROARS Hi\ — Tl i y a | | a VW | | VALENTINE’S DAY. A GENTLEMAN, WHO DOES NOT WISH TO GIVE HIS Name, From Fam REASONS, STATES THAT JUST FOR THE FUN OF THE THING, HE LOOKED | OUT OF HIS WINDOW TO SEE IF HE SHOULD HAVE A VALENTINE, 45D 4 THAT WaS WHAT MET His Eyz. MR. PUNCH’S HANDY-BOOK OF THE STAGE. | | CHAP. XIL—THE MANAGER WHO DOES NOT ACT. THe Manager who does not act himself, and is not blessed with an acting wife, may be comparatively a happy man, and the first question such a Manager must ask himself is, what he will go im for, or, in other words, what will pay. : , To answer this question, requires a rapid review of the field of the Dramatic Art, and an intelligent application of the conclusions resulting from that survey to the facts of the day. There is, first, “The Legitimate Drama” —whatever that ma mean—both tragic and comic, the claims of which are sure to be dinn into the ears of everybody who has anything to do with management. The people who talk most about the Legitimate Drama are generally supposed to be those who don’t go to the theatre; or, if they go, don’t | Pay for their places. The cry proceeds principally, it is often said, from | the writers of le plays. At all events, if it doesn’t, you may } plausibly maintain that it does, should you conclude—as I take for | granted you will—against trusting to “the Legitimate.” | But what is the itimate Drama? Nobody that_Z ever heard of | has ever answered ¢ha¢ question. | Practically, however, the name seems to include all the Stock Trage- dies, Comedies, and Farces, which have grown threadbare with repe- tition, and, from the change of times and manners, have lost nine-tenths of any colour or effect they might onee have had. _ Still, something may be done even with this generally hopeless mate- rial, and there is Gredit to be got by it, without sacrificing profit. If, for instance, you have a good scene-painter, and a star who insists on being put. up in five acts, yon may do something by throwing all your ay into scenery, dresses, and decorations, for which some eminently legitimate plays afford almost as much opportunity as a Pan- tomime of a sensation spectacle. W. Brver.ey, for instance, can make even SHAKSPEARE go down. A rattling siege, or an effective battle, is a pretty safe draw, though it be in a real old-fashioned tragedy. I am not at all sure that a good adaptation of Perrer’s ghost-business to Hamlet or Macbeth might not carry either of those plays through a highly profitable season. Perhaps it is even safer to take a legitimate /?\ | forgets to be bored by them, and if once the foreigner can be } fashion, thane is ; i attractive Juliets and Hamlets +: | told how much of their lay—say one of SuaxksPzaRe’s histories—as a substratum for scenery, and decorations, than to put the same money into a melodrama from the French, or a burlesque. People like to flatter themselves the; are doing the correct thing to a great author with a reputation past question, while they gratify their love of show and fine scenery. _As for Legitimate Comedy, there is not here the same field for display. Except to fill up an off-night now and then—for there are always old fogies enough to be attracted to your stalls and boxes for a night or two by the bait of Saeripan or Gotpsmrra—you must be on your guard against anything which requires so much art in your actors and so much cultivated appreciation in your public. ‘Remember everybody has eyes, but those with brains are a small You_may, however, sometimes “cannon” with effect, from va ,” by putting up a heavy | Oe ther pasic or comic it matters little—when you have agood Pantomime or Burlesque at the back of it. The former will give your theatre a tone, and enable you to assume the airs of a guide of the public taste, while the attraction of the latter bears "ee harmless. A foreign star may sometimes justify you in resorting to the “ Legitimate,” almost as much as a scene-painter. SHAKSPEARE’S lines come with such a novel effect from alien lips, that the ~ le the may not venture. Who are the day? You do not require to be i r success is due to their broken English, and foreign chigue. The Managers are beginning to open their eyes to this source of profit. Next toa real , a native who can ape a foreign accent is a good card. I assume that if you go in for the Legitimate, either heavy or light, | you will confine yourself to old plays which cost To play pieces of this class They cost far too much afford the extravagant price same time by living Authors, is ont.of the question. money. How can be expected to Ys ect on “ literature,” and ab the scene-painte requires actors. itamt to leave you what your purse of your scenic and advan’ of the former is, that it requires the gymnastic ints Actors, much more thn the intllecea Mascles are, of a man who makes one leg or arm go farther than a woman who has the courage to lay aside all the attributes with her sex’s | and in of narrow preju- rides, fights, dances, and goes in for slang or spicy singing, cannot expect to light upon every programme with a view to them.' suecesses is = to you, with possessing allowance of ii and women who meurte eden th icing of every dish ve only to insist on the proper every dish you serve your ai with the appetising of erime, horror, k situation. That, these the more harrow up your as 85 pos- familiar scenery and localities. ‘more impro- themselves, the more oe a setting of unmis- your public realise them. A murder ge e ry 5 rtf fh Se to that would be tame if thrown back to the days of good Queen Buss and the stteets of medieval London, becomes a genuine sensation if introduced in the reign of Vicrorta, aud transacted before a well-painted picture of the Charing Cross or Radcliffe Highway of 1864. The reports of the police and assize-courts ought to supply your Author with subjects in abundance. If they have not the art to use these, they may find plenty of suggestion in the penny romances, or the répertoire of the boulevard theatres. You will find it more profitable to work the latter source, on the principle of the intelligent householder who always went for his brooms to the man who stole them ready-made. = =s_—y. REY A good scene-painter and mechanist, working in collaboration with an author who understands the sensation-busineds, and is not above writing up to an effect—whether of the pound-brush or the winch, sloat and counter-weight—ought to make you well nigh independent of the | caprice, insolence, and costliness of actors. opty! | In this class of pieces they are reduced to their proper insignificance

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72 as little better than lay-figures or dummies. Provided they are active, and hard, have no objection to be slung down from the flies, or shot up from the mezzanine-floor, and can scream, attitudinise and express the broader forms of guilt, alarm and terror, they will serve every sensational puree. } This sort of thing ought not to cost much money, and you will have the more left for more essential outlay. : ; If you go in merely for Burlesque, your requirements, whether in the way of Authors or Actors, ought not to be much more serious. ut this field must be reserved for another Chapter. YY YY LM Wy YM, Yi YY Up Yee Wh Wf y Vy Vij My y H yy Yy YW ] YU YL ff if Vi]. Wy jff) /j Y / Mf /ft / SSIES: WH THE FOG, JANUARY 2lstT., 1865. Link-boys (Masters of the Situation). “Ir YER DON’T GIVE US A SHILLIN’ WE'LL SINGH YER W3HIskeRs!” , EXTRAORDINARY LONGEVITY. At a tea-party last week, at the residence of Miss —— (our gallantry forbids us to divulge the here. were present nine old ladies, whose united ages amount, it is computed, to six based, has been obtained by ting her to make con- t is a somewhat cusione 1 This slight discrepancy possibly may occasion some astonish- name), t hundred and fifty ye:rs. The evidence on which this estimate is uestioning each member of the party, separately and in private, and tem ession (in, of course, the strictest secresy) of the ages of her friends. fact that the number of years to which each lady herself owned in the to three hundred and thirteen. amount of No. 13, Upver Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No, 11, Bouverie Street, o if treet, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, m the Parish of St. Bnde, Cy Printed by William Brad } r Whitefriars, City of Lon Printers, at theirUffice in Lombard S of London.—Satuapar, Fasavary 18, 1865. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Feprvary 18, 1865. ment to unreflecting people, who forget to make allowance for the weakness of memory with which ladies are afflicted with regard to | their own ages, and its vigorous tenacity | when they are asked in confidence the ages of their friends. POLICE DEAD BEAT. | | Uron mine ear, as book in hand, I sat, there smote a distant fall = oe ane, — a a 4 | pproac ; the triumphal, grand, Dead. March in Saul, “ There goes a soldier to his grave,” Hasting to see, in thought said I, As hither rolled the human wave, | “ Here are the comrades of the Brave.” | Police marehed by ; | With funeral pomp, with tramp and drum ; d of Policemen, in blue; And he that, stark, and cold, and dumb, Thereafter in a hearse did come, Policeman, too. Why not ? an a py e, are those of gallan By constables, or sons of Mars, Or Neptune’s own intrepid tars, aged for the right. Whether thief’s bludgeon leave a dint, Or shot or steel of foreign foe Its mark on hero’s front imprint, The stamp has equal glory in’t From either blow. Well done then, when the soul had fled That fired the stanch Policeman’s breast, | To bear his corse with soldier’s tread. And play him with the soldier’s Dea ch to his rest. A PLEA FOR THE POOR SPIDER. Ma. Ponce, ' Puzas ser, i see in the mornin adwer. tisir a Count about Spyders hout of a booke Bigest on ’em serounded with the remanes of | Buggs witch the spidar ad Destroy’d. Hand | witch he therefour Recomend the Presawa- | tion of Spyders in ouses insted of swepin the | bbwebbs all away, now this His to riquest | You wr. punch to hadwocat the Same in Bed. rooms and’ helswear about the Ouse by witch a grete Save in Brooms and mutch Trubel with conti Hanger and Scoldin from Missusses, will NS) manny hard- worked Maid of Hall Work like yures to Comeand, . Jang Tipy. The Kitching, Valentine's Day. THE GAS OF OTHER DAYS. Tue Gas of other days has faded : How dim is ours, alas! At night our streets with gloom are shaded, ad is now the Gas.’ For this obscure illumination Too much the public pays ;_ Restore, enlightened Legislation, The Gas of other days! Tue Proper Day ror MARRIAGES.— Wedd’nsday. in the Precinct of

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Fesruary 25, 1865.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. 73 PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. onpay, February 13. Hooray for THWAITES and the Drains. The are nearly done, an Mr. Trre says that they will come into eneral operation at he end*of next month. Thenceforth the breezes of London will be balmy breezes, the Thames will once more be a silver flood, nec sine salmonibus, and the swans, “ As if they would the charmed air repay, Shake thousand odours from their dewy wings.” = _ The Moral Sewage is not so easily got rid of, but Sm GEoRGE Grey introduced a Prisons’ Bill, which = is to improve the pre- = sent state of things. It is to go to a Select Committee, whom Mr. Punch will assist with his invaluable sugges- tions, when he shall have had time to read ; the measure. The Bill for Relieving Dissenting Municipals from the necessity of declaring that they do not intend to ye the Church of England was read a Second Time, and will be duly thrown out hereafter. Tuesday. The Doctor in Roderick Random, who resolved to distil a certain liquid from tinder, by means of animal heat, was a practical cage ocd compared to Mr. Punch, that is to say supposing Mr. Punch should seek to obtain any Essence out of such tinder-like Parliament as that of the past week. But, to pursue the illus- tration, he will endeavour to make the sparks that emanate from his wit, when struck against his wisdom, fall on the tinder, which he will next blow up, and then he will show himself a match for Parliament. To-night the CHANCELLOR expounded the working of his Act for Selling Little Livings, and improving others with the proceeds, and stated that upwards of £100,000 had been thus o tained and applied in two years. An ingenious London Parson has hit on a plan for augmenting his own living without troubling the Legislature, and offers, if a generous public will give him £100, to charge nothing for marryi people during the rest of his incumbency. The scheme does not seem to please some of his brother Parsons, who inform the generous public that the proposed compact is invalid. Lorp Lerrrm abused the Irish police, and was himself rebuked by Lorp GRANVILLE for violent language, which could not add to the dignity of the House. This Lorp Leitrim was a Magistrate, but was very properly super- seded for indecorum, and if he does not mind his manners, it may be the pain duty of His Majesty the Emperor Puncx to invite him to reside on his Lordship’s estate at Killadoon until further notice. Government issues a Commission for inquiry into the costs of Railway Conveyance, and the charges made by the companies. ‘This was Mr. GLApsTONE’s announce- ment, and it os me an early onslaught upon the Tyrants of the Rail. Our pike shall be ready, whenever it may please Mr. Guapstons to cry havoc, for sixpence is a great deal too much to charge for a ride from Portland Road to Farringdon Street, especially as nobody can possibly want to visit either station. Mn. Guap- STONE, however, in answer to NuMSCULLY, said that Government did not intend to buy up the Railways this Session. ' . ; Numscuty then delivered a long howl against the Irish Church in general, and certain appointments in it, in particular. The Morning Star says that the House hates this orator, and that he knows it, and talks less out of silliness than for the sake of tormenting the Saxon. This, if true, elevates his conduct, and entitles him to a certain amount of respect. Dr. JoHNnson, hearing that somebody had been kicked, said that he was very glad to hear it, and being asked whether this were not an un-Christian feeling, replied that it was not. “1am glad, Sir, to hear that his character has sufficiently improved for any one to think him worth kicking.” Mr. Punch, of course, is not to be restrained from introducing an anecdote, spetepeate or not, by any consideration for anybody’s feelings, but may as well add, that he has nothing to say against the character of Mr. Scuuty, except as a Parlia- mentarian, in which capacity he is an unmitigated and intolerable bore. ; Mr. Cox—“ here we are again, and how do you do to-morrow ?”—brought in a Bill for modifying the Early Closing of Public Houses Act. It appears that drovers and market gardeners are inconvenienced by not being able to procure refreshments between one and four in the morning. Mr. Cox also contended that gentlemen connected with the Newspaper Press are similarly annoyed. He mentioned that the Times had instituted a refreshment room for its employés, but that many other journals could not conveniently do so. Mr. Punch considers that in common RA PA y.4 fal | Of Mz. Greesoy, late justice, not to re of gratitude, to those who are toiling and moiling all night to prepare the newspaper which gladdens the breakfast table, some arrangement ought to be made for their comfort. He asserts this the more reso- lutely, because his young men have no interest in the question, he having fitted up, at reckless cost, an exqui- sitely luxurious restaurant for them, under a French cook, where, at any hour of the day or night that they choose to rush in with a witticism, they find the choicest repast and the most delicious wines ready at the first sound of a silver table bell. Sir Gzorce Grey said that the Act was working very well, that somebody must be incon- venienced by any change, and that in this case it must be the market folk. As for the drovers, they are travellers, and therefore may get refreshments all along their roads. He recommended the gentlemen of the Press to unite, and hire a room for their own accommodation. If they do, Parliament ought to vote them a subsidy to keep it up, seeing that but for them nobody would know anything about Parliament and its orators. _ Sm Firzroy Ketty, Knight of Malt-a, proposes to improve the law of evidence, which at present works very unjustly, as the Divorce Judge writes to testify. He desires that in all Sm James Wupe’s cases all parties may be at liberty to give testimony, and that the same rule shall hold in criminal cases. M7. Punch heartily approves of this reform, he having always ridiculed, in the most caustic manner, the old stupid devices by which the Law stops its old ears against hearing the truth. _This Tuesday being Valentine’s Day, Mr. Punch was occu- pied from ten until five in opening, kissing, and making cigar- 7 of the myriads of affectionate epistles forwarded to the Old Dear by the young ladies of the nation. He has en unable to get the odour of the perfumed notes off his aristocratic hands up to the present writing, and this fact ves him an opportunity of complimenting Mr. Evcene IMMEL upon the publication of a very elegant and in- structive Perfume-Book, which Mr. Punch has carefully put away in an airy attic, and will read with pleasure when the scent shall have subsided. He hates all perfumes except onions. Wed: . The Commons gave a Second Reading to about two hundred private Bills, as they are called, many of them being Bills about new Railways, and Committees are to examine them. Good days for us, my learned friends, quoth Mr. Punch, Q.C. Thursday. Hammersmith complains to the Lords about its heavy poor-rates, and about the system of metropolitan improvements, which drives the poor from the heart of London to the outsides, there to become burdens. We trust that the prayer of the impetuous and intelligent suburb will be heeded. Lorp GRANVILLE intimated that ——s was to be done. Lorp Patmerston paid a kindly tribute to the memory ember for Lancaster. Mr, Cutrrorp brings in a Bill to do away with the law that punishes people for not going to church. This is right. People ought to go to church, but ought not to be sent to prison for staying away, especially as in a vast number of parishes the fault is with the Parsons, who make the Services much too long and the Sermons much too stupid. But we suspect that before the Bill passes, there ill be a row between the mover and Mother Church. “ She'll call him CiirForp, and he'll call her Mapa.” which line reminds us that the new Julia (Mr. Punch hereby expresses his profound contempt for about four hundred correspondents who have sent hima miserable joke about Ju-11a and Jew-Leau, and Jewess Lean, and similar trash) is ill—not that Mr. Puxch needed any re- minding of his affliction, and the loss to the public. He hopes that Miss Bateman will bring an action against ApmrraL Firzroy for damages caused-by his detestable weather, ; . Then came up the Law Courts question. This will be battled a good deal, as many interests are concerned. As Mr. Punch perfectly comprehends the whole business, and what everybody means, he will feel personally obliged by the omission of any attempt to humbug him or his protégé, the Nation. Everybody is fighting, like Harry Wynp, for his own hand. Lincoln’s Inn does not like the idea of its valuable property being less valuable, and Messrs. Watpote and Se.wyn talk for Lincoln’s Inn. The Parlia- mentary lawyers want the Courts to be held at Westminster, VOL, XLVI. I |

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74 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Feprvary 25, 1865,

so that those gentlemen may out of Court into the House and back again, with bine to pone Bev lh delight. The Templars would like the Courts INCOME BEFORE BEER. to be erected close to Little Bethell. The public wants a ——_ of Justice in a a central and convenient place, and has a savage recollection of the cellars and attics Taxpayers all, both great an al small, of Westminster, and how some of the Courts could never be found, and a man’s With voice both loud and he thi estate went away while he was begging the porters to tell him where the place of Let ’s merrily sing, “ It isn’t tl te ing trial was, and how he finally detected the Judge sitting on a sink in a back kitchen, To charge us for other folks’ beer. the Counsel squatting on inverted washing tubs, and the eight public, being all the Chorus. place would hold, balancing themselves on the window-cill, or heaving themselves up Now I own I likes good cheer, by aid of the jack-towel roller. The City has behaved excellently, and surrenders And especially loves my beer; the cucumber-frame, called a Court, at Guildhall. We must have the Temple of But bless their eyes if ever they tries Justice in a satisfactory place, and that proposed by the Government will do To, charge me for other folks’ beer ! very well. The Inner Temple admits this. ; . : here seems some want of general comprehension as to the history of the Some people thinks all stimulant drinks Suitors’ Fee Fund, and its rightful owners, and whether it ought to be used to pay From duty should be clear ; c for the New Courts. The Fund has been formed out of the results of the extortion But [’ll always contend, unto my life’s end, of the Court of Chancery in other days, and out of the results of the ignorance or That Income should come afore Beer. YA “* ag ot og: d py ee pas oy cor =} would be ° Now I own, &c. ve I r. Punch, but the next best to apply i e use urpose 0 ata erecting a Temple of Justice, or at least of Law. Oe. Punch has s eae and there From drinking rum the means do come is an end of the matter. The Government Bill was read a Second Time. The national ship to steer, . Friday. A fierce Irish debate on the Belfast Riots last year. Everybody accused Abaca is str debe and abused everybody. Can any reader of Punch desire another word on the Now I own, &c. subject? We think better of the world. :

so ought swipes, ’tis clear : If on Income you puts ’tisn’t fair if you cuts A tax off the malt as makes beer. Now I own, &c. (WW O ’tis my delight, by day and by night, Lali TA) At all times of the year, ma Aditi ca : When Mott and I is rin dry, : ] To tipple our allon of, beer. ow | own, &c. a and gin brings revenue in, Ani . & Yn 4 iY are “P . c ea ¥ | when I choose, reads out the news, And by that means I hear c That before time’s ripe some wants to wipe The Malt Tax off of our beer. Now I own, &c. Of all things thirst isn’t quite the worst, 1 a tr ton can ut jus Witnow! y usual indulgence yy = Now I own, &c. While Ministers shape, without escape, ——S—__ i= in earnings a tax severe, ——7 Bless all their eyes whenever they tries ae To charge me for other folks’ beer ! my) ow 1 own, &., ~ \N \\) 1, N ING bydd pA Ce. \WN 4 ts ( Yul 4 Ry ) aon ih 4 \ \ Y, 3A

<—

yy A; (ut \ SW NY : \ \Y at —_= WALL FLOWERS OF RHETORIC. - —_— oP ANA Mal Mr. Poncn, Sir, lig nati N NY \ I am what is generally known as a Dead Wall; but U1 pegged N\ WY as the present proves, my surname is a base attempt at 411 \ Wy \\ defamation on the part of party walls or others pierced | 1 Oe \i \ \ \\ N) with doors and windows, who are jealous of my position and \)\ RRA NN Ss _| health, which is enhanced by the fact that I have never had (i -\ \\ \W | \NY AN a pane in my side, and have more of the brick in my com- | \\\ea\\ Wu ‘Ve \\\ SS sition than others. But this is neither here nor there, | \ \\ = AN \W \ Ar, im or I have a complaint, and a sad one, much like ophthalmia /\ \\RREASRAAAY in its symptoms, for I can’t see an inch before me now, I am 80 gees - ~ up P eee. ere m bricks cry out against it. is these contin ro AN AGREEABLE ACCIDENT. against me that I wish you, my dear Punch, to take up for Carratn Pipps, TARING ADVANTAGE OF THE Frost, SKATES, AND FALLs, QUITE me. One evil-disposed character, who wer o” has been AccIDENTALLY (?), INTO THE ARMS oF Lapy JuLieTTa Dz PLoverwine ! heargerteg bah oak ar po ig I ‘anemial come 9 Se [Papa looms in the distance. | vith his Hidden Hand. -A third, no doubt for the ‘fun of 9g people, calls | the . am of Pegg eave you to imagine the smell of the no The Davenports Undone. speak of the ignominy of holding up to the public gaze Sure the Davenrort Brothers got portraits of Clowns, Singing Fish, Performing Dwarfs and To the end of their rope, well nigh, colossal selections from all the a capitals of all the When their Fercuson cut the knot rinters in London. So have me p down, or get a Which their spirits could not untie. Ralwer to go through me. I am sick of posters. Yours, FRANK TERMINATION OF THE EMPEROR’S SPEECH. A Deap Watt. “Utopia is 10 welfare what Imperialism is to liberty, and what illusion is to truth.” Morro ror Smoxers.—“ J/ cig’retto per esser felice,”’

Ft Bow Mm bow th nw oe ese ae ee. our e® @ ee ]

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Fesruary 25, 1865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. HOW WE DINE AT THE ART-SCHOOLS AT ! i] a PS yes ae! | i 4 ey ——— | | i] | ‘lil | i Ih ts KENSINGTON. (OH! MR. COLE!) HIGH TREASON AT HEMEL-HEMPSTEAD. Durie the late Christmas holidays, many of Mr. Puxch’s young friends, and some of his old ones, walking about in the country on the skirts of a cover, may frequently have had their attention attracted by a series of explosions, pop! pop! pop pop! pop! pop! pop! pop pop! pop! pop! They were probably aware that these noises were made by country gentlemen and their friends rabbit-shooting. The Hemel-Hempstead tte, in areport of the Petty Sessions at Great Berkhamsted, before F. J. Moorz, Esq., Chairman, and Baicut, Esq., records “an unusual number of prosecutions under the ame Laws,” which sound to the mind’s ear, singularly like the pop- pings of rabbit-shooting squires. Only in these cases, the game did not consist of rabbits, but chiefly of rabbit-killers. ‘Smney Hvum- PHREY and FREDERICK AUSTIN were charged with trespassing on the first of January in search of conies, on land belonging to Eart Brown- Low.” Pop! pop! They were knocked over, right and left, con- victed and sentenced, Humpurey to a fine of £1, and 13s. 3d. expenses, in default committed for three weeks; Avstin to 5s. fine, and ex- | a 14s, 2d., in default committed for fourteen days. The same efendants “ were then charged with committing a similar offence on the 28th of January on land in the occupation of Francis Curter and others.” Pop! again in the case of Humpnrey, knocked over a second time with a fine of 15s, and 13s. 3d. expenses., in default_com- mitted for twenty-one days more. Austin did not appear. Davin Hottanp, of Caddington, JosrrH Farr, James Dean, ALBERT Ciarx, and Tuomas Grecory, were then charged with trespassing in search of game, Farr singly, the others in conjunction. Pop! floored also. Pop! pop! pop! pop! likewise floored with fine or im- prisonment. THomas Parties, WILLIAM Cressy, Henry Preston, and Jonn Annot, were next charged with the like offence. Pop! for Crezsy rolled over; the rest got off. _ Then came the case of Revsen Dwieut, charged with trespassing in search of —_ on a common, on land in the occupation of J. Ropry- sox, Esq. Dwicur proved an alibi, which, being contradicted by the evidence of a gamekeeper, the Justices chose not to believe. Pop! » too, apparently; fined £2, and 14s. 6d. expenses, and in| las default committed for two months, and sent to the police station. R rustics, convicted, on insufficient evidence, Later in the day, Mr. Roptyson’s farm-bailiff sent the Bench a note to say that Dwicut was not the trespasser, that the case was one of mistaken identity.. Dwicut was therefore provisionally let go. Rey | country Magistrates seem to be doing all they can to con- vince the Legislature that the Great Unpaid ought to be the Great Unofficial. If that is their object, it is perhaps to be hoped that they will succeed in it; for, although there is some economy in getting gentlemen to administer justice for nothing, there is not much in their gratuitous administration of injustice. I ay cram the gaols with ; of destroying such crea- tures as conies, scarcely esculent vermin, their administration of in- justice is expensive, and Parliament may come to think that what would be spent in the salaries of competent stipendiary Magistrates might be saved in county rates. PRETERNATURAL VORACITY. Tr the subjoined story had appeased in any one of those journals which represent the interests of the United Service, it would perhaps have been set down by vulgar incredulity as a narrative intended for the information of the Marines :— “The Patria of Naples states that there is at present in the Hospital of Incurables in that city an old woman who is suffering from a strange disease. She every day eats at least five portions of roast meat, 70 eggs, several loaves, and other food, of course including a good quantity of macaroni. When attempts are made to reduce her diet, she raves like a mad woman. Prorgssor ZAMOGLIA has recently attempted to cure the poor woman, but up to the present time her appetite remains un- impaired.” Not, however, to the Marines, but to the Spiritualists, should the extraordinary relation above-quoted be told. The Zimes, to be sure, heads it with “ Something Like an Appetite,” which seems equivalent to appending to it the name of WALKER. The Post, apparently in a similar spirit of scepticism, entitles it “ A Good Digestion.” But we expect that the Spiritual Magazine will ascribe this prodigious case of what doctors call dudimia to the same agency as that to which is ascribed the manifestations that attended the Brothers Davenrort; whose ¢ and greatest marvel it has been reserved for Punch to announce. At Liverpool, the other day, they positively disappeared !

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76 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fapruary 25, 1865. THE GREAT WHALING EXPEDITION. BY BENNY THE BO’SEN, *Twas in the Northern Sea, raye boys! With Benzow! did we sa-a-a-ail, When one stormy night We weut, not to fight,? But we went for to catch a Whale, Brave boys! We went for to catch a Whale. *T was in the middle watch, Brave boys! As the wind was blowin’ a ga-a-a-ale, When the Mate sings out, With a very loud shout, ** My dear eyes! there is such a Whale ! Brave boys! My dear eyes! there is such a Whale! ” Cries the Captain, “ Port and belay,® rave boys ! Bring the tackle as will not fa-a-a-ail ; etch the chains and the ropes, *Cos Tam in hopes That we ’re going to coe that Whale, rave boys ! That we ’re going to catch that Whale.” Geo ho!” cries the man in the mizen, rave s! “ Must I here my fate bewa-a-a-ail ?” ® But no one would listen To the man in the mizen, For we went to catch that Whale, Brave boys For we went to catch t H Whale. The order to “lower the boats,” Brave boys! Made every stout heart qua-a-a-ail ; But sternly we did Whatever we wos bid And we pulled out to catch that Whale, Brave boy We pulled out to eae hat Whale. Bring cutlasses, pikes, marlin-spikes, Brave boys! And whatever else will ava-a-a-ail ; casesnae amine knives, and brads, merril Went out for to etek that Whale, Brave boys Went out for to aba Test Whale. Asleep on the deep lay the brute,® Brave boys ! Like a matin ienaaies ihe 108 Saat nifled, y our oars, which was m As we oral eS See Ge whee As we crepf-un te aie tied Whale Harpocns by Soe Did the monster’s side impa-a-a-ale ' When we all saw hin shiver, ' And percepterbilly qui We shouted for for ory tothe , Whale, We shouted “ Ei ies bh for the Whale. He lashed, and he ibe Cin, et oy, ill onr boat eked beac; While the he kep’ on ad et rh Till he managet te ba That Whale. Pall you hackle and your tackle and you ine, Brave nae! rize securely na-a- eS eave pee | 1c cries the 3 Who’d ha’ thought o’ what ’ud As we strained and we pened at the Brave | ela hp vo sixlaad tol tl eeahct On Mt. Your pr en, When—fwhisk! w With our hoo! He vanished Brave boys! So we did not catch that Whale’ 1 Real name sw 2 It was av 3 Very sensible order, showing of tata in She mepmaen at donee + No doubt he had some reason for an exclamation, that is es strictly speaking, of a nautical c comrade Hut stern duty, = eee: in Ge deny ania aaa samen 8 uty, or this on. This verse suggests a very touching peers ot from Joly the and solitary resignation 6 The mariner’s deep-seated hatred for the huge leviathan is inexplicable. 7 spel. —-Pemevensnee meee with its due reward. 8 It has been proposed to me, Benny THE Bo'sey, the song But it needs only a careful study’ of the awe varus’ vo tone at tae asaat Sonal ico all its point if set as a catch.

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Fasruary 25, 1865.] ‘PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. 77 MR. PUNCH’S HANDY-BOOK OF THE STAGE. CHAP, XIIL—THE MANAGER WHO DOES NOT ACT.—Conrinvep. HE Burlesque will, naturally, be your strong card, after Sen- sation, or in default of it. The word is said to be de- rived from the Italian “ dur- lare,” to joke or jest. But the thing, now-a-days, has ceased generally to have any- thing to do with “ joki Jesting, "happily for a _W ¥ Vv ; > Sa) > | memory, to0 — Ww and jesting were thought in- dispensable to this kind of entertainment. A pretty 4 neatly and i opportunities for graceful or humorous acting, smart satire, and ingenious allusions to topics of the well-timed parodies, were ex- pected in a burlesque. Old fogies still talk of bur- lesques of this kind with a “ , pis y ise & LOGE, Te AA Ce ie Ny ANI \ \\) siasm that is almost touching, \ and wonder why ers now-a-days don’t produce something like them. The simpletons forget that burlesques of this kind imply wit in Authors and art in Actors; both things difficult to find, and which, when found, come expensive. Of course pretty faces and good lags ste required to give these their ap 7 effect, and happily, gifts of this kind are a, and ob cheap. Rd you play your cards pro ; : pretty alo, with the se stock-in-trade of brass, slanginess, freedom from feminine squeamishness, and a readiness to sacrifice womanly daintiness, in matters of costume, to purely artistic considerations, together with a thorough command of the nigger tr lly may be had not or next to ry yo The old-fashioned burlesque, as I have said, depended on wit and word-play. What you want now in your Authors is command of the nigger répertoire, and industrious word-torture—the very reverse of word-play. _ The worse the puns ina burlesque now-a-days, the better. The very consumma- tion of success in this kind is a 80 bad that all the house says “Oh!” to it. Allusions are dangerous. They require wit in the audience to appreciate them. And they are sure to become stale in the course of the long rans which, of Kr = ee felicit dy, though say » neat writing, felicitous parody, tho not absolutely fatal are perfectly superfluous. ° en - There is nothing you must guard against so carefully as shooting over the heads of your audience. . | life time. or living hen joking | day time, pointed writing, andj al simple, old-fashioned enthu- | his Lastly, look upon Authors and Actors as your natural enemies. Proceed on the axiom that these people have a constant design on your purse, and a settled determination to encroach on your profits. ; . I do not mean that you are to display this feeling openly. On the contrary, if you wish to have your Actors tho- roughly under command, to work ’em round your finger as it were, always show the greatest consideration for their amour propr everything as a favour, be _hail-fellow- well-met with them, —— with them, ta with them, lay bare your difficulties before them, and invite their sym- pathy, while you put your hand in their pockets. I have known Managers who by this masterly policy have laughed at bad business and defied bankruptcy for a It is impossible to refuse to on with such charming fello h the “ghost walked” out Satur- after Sat 3 salaries are sweetened by the exquisite with which this sort of Manager turns his empty Soleks out in the face of his company. If they never neglect to take their own es with exemplary ity, they are so sorry that others have to go with- out! Such a gifted man’s i iosity may be no secret. is every managerial yv may end in catastrophe. And yet he has only to hoist his banner and he will a ware tad on attached troop to march with him into the jaws T remember an Author once, whose pieces one of those Machiavelian Managers was playing, and not paying for, and who had long dunned him in vain, so vanquished by charming manner, that he burst out, “By Jove, I'd rather have you play my for pothier. than get my money for it from another aneger » “My dear fellow,” was the answer, with a genial shake of the hand—my iend was immense in hand-shaking—“ That is just the spirit in which I like to be met !” ‘ And that is the spirit in which such geniuses are met all through their adventurous careers. And why? Because however they chouse people, they always rub them the way of the hair. Like clever burglars, they take impressions of every body’s keys in soft soap; and there is no resisting the picklock of their “‘ charming manner.” On the other hand I have known Managers who were strict men of business, active, attentive, models of punctu- ality in payment, whose treasuries were never empty from year’s end to year’s end. And yet because they rubbed their Actors “against the hair,” snubbed them, trod on the soft-corns of their self love, they were always in hot water, and could never keep a company together. : Is it that the first consider their Actors less their natural enemies than the second ? No, but that they Pewee feels true feelings. The wiser man masks it under his charming manner, and s0 manage his company, in the best sense of the word. ae You never hear them denounced without the addition, “but he is such a nice fellow.” ‘ The same rule, in essentials, should be followed with Authors. Always seem to be too busy to see anybody, an Author more partic a Don’t trouble yourself to read MSS. or to return them. You will be sure to have more pieces than you can attend to from the people who live by writing for the Why should you pay for qualities which nine out of ten of your public don’t] theatre care for, and won’t miss. As an artist of course you can appreciate such things just as well as the pre- tentious Authors and jaundiced Critics who make such a fuss about them. But as a N r you must look first to what tells, and these things don’t get laughs or bring down the house like a show of legs and pretty faces, a rattling Virginny break-down, or a sparkling transformation scene. Never mind what you pay for scenery and mechanism, and it is your duty as a r to encourage art and ingenuity. I conclude with some general hints useful for all Managers. Never let down your house. If money doesn’t come in, “ paper” it. Nothing makes Actors or Audiences so flat as the sight of empty benches. Full houses look like success, and with the dear old B.P. that is half the battle. ‘They delight to swim with the tide, and they don’t know how much paper has to do with the crowds who flow into your doors. ever baulk a run. Let bilious Critics grumble that your Actors get flat, and mannered, are forced ir points, become careless, or take to ing and guyin; repeated for two or three hundred nights. What of that F al spiaets ; and you Ds money in your pocket. Let those who out of town for it, ey will see p wal of bills enough in the wish them joy of it, Why should you waste your time on outsiders? Really actable pieces will be sure to find their way to the stage somehow or other. : If you feel it a duty to pay some attention to works of this kind, you may always, tor a few shillings extra salary, nd a messenger who can read manuscript. call him your secretary. Or you may keep a taster, as the booksellers do. There are many reduced Authors who would be thankful for such employment. They will be certain not to pass too lenient judgments on the works that come under their eye, You can A Line from Browning. (For Hairdressers who recommend a wonderful ‘‘ Restorative,” and arc careless af the aspirate.) * Aw everlasting wash of air.” GRAVAMENIVOROUS ANIMALS,—Convocation.

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= _ — PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. * [Fepruary 25, 1865. “TO THIS ALL OTHER THINGS GIVE PLACE.” (EXCEPT IN THE CASE OF A CONSCIENTIOUS MASTER OF FOXHOUNDS.) Member of the Hunt (to Huntsman). “ Weit, Rasrzr, I weak youR MASTER IS GOING TO BE MARRIED, WHEN’S IT TO BE?” Huntsman. “ Wett, Str, I can’? say, NOT EXACTLY; BUT NOT TILL THE PUPPIES ARE OVER THE DISTEMPER, HOWSOMEVER !” GEESE IN THE PARKS. Durtne the late frost the water-fowl in the Parks have been visited, it seems, by a many geese; and several of these geese got a ducking, it appears, through their venturing on the ice, which was not strong enough to bear them :— * The Long Water in Kensington Gardens is now completely frozen over, but the ice is very dangerous. In spite of the printed cautions posted by order of Mr. Youna, the Secretary, and Mr. Witurams, the Superintendent, some 50 or 60 persons went upon it: it suddenly gave way, and some of them fell into deep water. * * * At the Round Pond, Kensington Gardens, a large crowd assembled to see the skaters. The Royal Humane Society’s men cautioned them against venturing on the ice in large numbers, but they did so in vain. No fewer than 600 rsons went on the ice. In all 40 persons fell in, and were saved by the Society’s icemen. * * * At St. James’s Park the ice, owing to the snow, was very a About 150 persons, in spite of all the cautions of the Society’s men, went upon it. While they were amusing themselves, the ice gave way, and five persons fell in. They, as well as the icemen, were much exhausted. About 12 o’clock seven other —- fell in, and they were also rescued by the icemen. One of them was so ong under the ice that it was at first thought he was dying. About twenty other persons fell in during the day.” A step on unsafe ice must certainly, we think, be regarded as a goose- step; and assuredly these silly geese may thank their lucky stars if they escaped with nothing worse than a bad cold from their ducking, or perhaps a touch of rheumatism. One would say their heads were cracked as well as the ice wes which they floundered. But fools rush in where icemen fear to tread, and it would serve them only right if they were taken into custody, and carried off to Bow Street for attempting suicide. Skating is, however, not the only active pleasure which the Parks afford in winter time, as the following will show :— “ Yesterday a large number of persons repaired to the Serpentine, in Somme tion of seeing it covered with skaters, and were surprised that not a patch of ice a foot long could be seen. The reason of this is entirely the high wind, and not the temperature, for during Sunday night the thermometer at the Royal Humane Society’s Receiving-house in Hyde Park was as low as 23}deg. At 9o clock yester- day morning the mercury rose no higher than 24 deg. In spite of the coldness of the weather 20 persons yesterday took advantage of the absence of ice, and bathed in the Serpentine.” A goose takes to the water in winter-time as well as summer, and in this respect these bathers—or waders, in bird language—may be looked upon as geese. But these ge were not such geese in point of silli- ness as the others, for they did not tumble in and take a bath without intending it, as the others did so mag on risked their lives thereby. Some people may think that out-door bathing in mid-winter is not a wise p ng; but the geese who went to bathe were wise compared with those who went to slide and skate where they were safe—to tumble in, and get a eens ducking. Indeed, if the bathers be looked upon as geese, their wisdom, in comparison with the silliness of the skaters, fully entitles them, we fancy, to be looked upon as geese of the species called Solons.* * Yes, we know it should be “Solan.” But people might not see the joke, if we put the proper spelling. [Note intended to be read by naturalists only.] FRA DIAVOLO IN TAMBURINI. Hexz is the picture of a pretty ruffian for you:— ** TamBuRINI is the ideal of a brave brigand chief of Calabria, one of the most handsome men imaginable. He is dressed in a rich velvet uniform, with silver buttons and a silken waistband. He wears a picturesque hat, graced with flowing plumes—he looks every inch a prince.” What a very fine robber, what a splendid thief, what a magnificent cut-throat! How smart a rogue, how TReOUS a » how sumptu- ously attired and gaily ornamented a villain in! The foregoing description of “ Tampunint” might be supposed to relate to the celebrated tenor of that name, as he may have appeared in Fra Diavolo ; it relates, how- ever, to a Fra Diavolo of actual life, whose real name is TAMBURINI. It is taken from the French clerical journal Le Monde, the organ of extreme Popery, Sicnor Tampurini (the highwayman) appears to have been on intimate terms with a certain puns fille whom Le Monde represents as being “ of fairy form and classical features.” Such is the style of sympathetic admiration wherein the leading Popish journal of Paris — of banditti and their female companions when the banditti rob and murder in the interésts of the Papacy.

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THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Fezsrvary 25, 1865. \HAAvHloeb QU | oN ANY yi! nN Ti bis WW | 7 iV \\ hy fed aH RE LY \ VANS aN i Ra ae a VAaysty SAA \\ ‘ VAS arty’ \\ AAAS DY AAA BE AAAS AAA « ath W\ 4 WAS EAA SN NONER ER F WER » \ \) \ NNR \ 1 \\\ \\Y aN \\ THE AGRICULTURAL JEREMY DIDDLER. som Marr Tax Repzarer. “YOU DON’T HAPPEN TO HAVE SIX OR SEVEN MILLIONS ABOUT YOU, SIR?” urn a the Gtapstowz. “YES, I DO—AND I MEAN TO KEEP THEM ABOUT ME” —$—$—$—_—_

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S—=— Pe OO 82288: 2 : “aseZ

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Fupauary 25, 1865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. : 81 image of her glass mustard-pot, has been replaced by new Police- WHAT MRS. GRUNDY SAYS ABOUT THE | man X im his helmet, the picture of her pewter pepper-castor, she HELMET. looked up a few more do ic models. ns. Grunpy’s kind regards to Mr. Punch, and she can no longer remain gilent, No wonder she is short- tempered. Everybody talks about her, but no woman is less a It is all very well for newspaper bn AP to ask “ What will Mrs. Grunpy say?” but it is high time she answered that question herself. Now, about these blessed Hel- pay ag -_ been stuck on e policemen’s Did ever any silly vac such stupid dish-covers ? She ho and trusts the r fellows use them as itchen utensils when = : re pe them home. They = = _- hand basins teape, or Sower-pete, nobetthesiine Ga aati symbolic of the servant with whom the gallant office was mouse- or flower-pots, notwi ge they are ¥ r the very worst of hats. They seem on a fat policeman’s head like the bay ner ; top stone of the Great Pyramid; while they cover up the lean ones as ‘ot, because it ouggests nothing in particular ; completely as if they were modelled on the dome of St. Paul's, n to mark the emptiness of his head; and ett hina eer, as a hint of the shallowness of his brain. art, ar is it necessary that us as well as inso- va : ‘moved on” by sueh an absurdity? A dg ia ae ; and a highly ornamental cat “th if CommissionER Marne is really need not have gone further than the tchen, the old iron saneepan is always she washes her hands of the whole affair; and ee ah ete tioa’ to record what reco! so dismiss the ' j from her thoughts for ever. Answered as Easy as saying Jack Robinson. admirable known in the Central Criminal Court, his elevation tr aes ‘with the motto Ir sete, ert te omitted the third Our Forziexn “ Rauzations.”—Cousins-German.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruary 25, 1865. (Hi \ MENA) 1 SSN = — __ BE) N THE SMOKER'S VALENTINE. Hat! fairest maid of Flora’s ancient line Tho’ maids of mortal race thou mostly fearest, Thy perfumed ringlets gently round me twine, Havanwa, dearest The lover boasts his sweetheart’s rosy ips, And in their praise aspires to win the laurel, To me an “ amber mouth-piece ” far outstrips lips of coral. The doting husband, toil-worn, anxious, pale, | The silly swain, for joys domestic burns ; : But from ~ heart what rapturous welcomes hail hy “ mild Returns!” From witching eyes what fascinations dart, Piercing their way like bullets from a pistol ! No eye, save one, can 80 subdue my heart, Thy “ Bird’s-eye,” Bristot, O matchless fair! a flame I would impart, Some magic spe// should make thee cease to scorn me, And if thou bloomest still, when I depart, In weeds thou’lt mourn me, ASTRONOMICAL NOTICES FOR 1865. BY THE ASTRONOMER PLEBEIAN. In addition to the customary Solar and Lunar dis- turbances, the following observations may be expected to en during the year, all visible to the nude eye :— e present Parliament will be eclipsed on the eve of a new one, Reform will be eclipsed, to re-appear with its Bright Satellite. (Some observers think this is all moonshine.) Ear Russet will be eclipsed by Viscount AMBERLEY pes there should be an eclipse of the Son, visible at Aunt Isabel, “ Beatrix, WILL YOU HAVE SOME BREAD-aND-BUTTER?” Beatriz, “No!” Aunt Isabel. “Is rHAT THE WAY TO ANSWER? No wHaT?” Beatrix, “No Breap-anp-Borter !” eds.) In November Lord Mayor Stormes Hate will be eclipsed by his successor. (Only visible in the City. Smoked glass to be had of Messrs. Goe anp Macoe.) Curisty’s Minstrels will be left in darkness. ‘. we Brothers will be eclipsed by some other umbugs. SHOPKEEPERS AND SERVANTS. Aw Indignation Meeting was held the other evening at the Wheel of Fortune Inn (the celebrated West End house of call for servants), to consider the system of per-centages from tradespeople, which has lately been attacked. .Mr. X. Fiunxy, the landlord of the hostelry, having been unanimously voted to the chair, the business of the meeting was begun by his proposing to stand shilling glasses round. The offer having been accepted, and the toast, “Success to Plush,” having | been responded to, The Chairman rose to explain the purport of the meeting, which, he said, was to consider a “suckler” (query, circular?) that had lately been sent round by His Grace the Duxe or SuraeRuanp, prohibitin his tradesmen from giving bribes. (4 voice, “ No! no ! per-centages !” He begged pardon, yes, per-centages to the gentlemen in his, the Duke oF SvuTHERLAND’s employ, and, no doubt, the ladies also me! shame !), if the truth was known. Now such conduct he, the hairman, must stigmatise as “low,” not to call it “ wile and wulgar,” and if he even said “ disgustink ” (Aear /) he should not be employing much too strong a word. (“Wot a dit/”) He had, as his frien knew, been a servant once himself, and had stood behind a chair, as also a distinguished friend of hisn, Mr. Jzeames Pusu, which had likewise been a nob and privileged to sit in one. (Immense Cheers.) While Mr. Jzames’s money lasted, he dined with Lords and Ladies and hobnobbed with Archbishops, and was, as his friends knew, as proud as any Duke, But did i keepers, and forbidding them from bribing (question /), he meant to say, from tipping the servants he employed. (No/ no/) Did he ever write to (cheesemongers and butchers, and all that sort of people, and say, “Don’t you go and give not nothink to the servants in my ’oushold ; for if you does, I won’t have no more dealings with your firm?” No, he would have scorned the haction “(Aear/) as one of a gentleman, and dishonest and unfair to them as he (Vehement cheering, and cries of “ Ere’s your jolly good unwort he ever stoop to corresponding with his shop-| ( mars Mr. Paunxy said that he had known Mr. Jeames Puivsu at the period alluded to, in fact he =. Puunky) had had the honour to stand behind him at the table of their mutual friend the Eart of Bare- acres, when Mr. PiusH came a-courting the Lapy Hance, the daughter of the Earl. He could certify the truth of what the Chair- man had observed, for, though a “leetle ’igh and ’aughty,” Mr. Pxiusx in his prosperity was never mean and screwy, and never interfered with per-centages, and perquisites and other lawful servants’ rights. (Cheers.) Mr. Corks remarked that he had lived as butler to the noble Earl aforesaid, who was as poor a nobleman as you’d wish not to see. But if the Earl had dared to stop his (Mr. Cork’s) po oo he (Mr. C.) would not have stopped to take care of his Lordship’s cellar, he was [adverb] sure of ¢hat/ Why, if one’s master (a voice, “ Guvnor”) well, yes, “Guvnor” sounded better—servants is the masters nowadays, leastways if they like (hear! hear! and cries of “that’s true!”); if one’s Guvnor is allowed to cut ‘one off one’s trade per- centages, the next thing he may do will be to cut one off one’s wine (sensation), and when a butler entertains a party “ his ore he will ds | actually be expected to buy his own Champagne. Mr. Fritcuer said he thought the worst part of the Duke’s letter was his threat that he would never again deal at any shop if once he ascer- tained that his servants had been feed at it. (Shame 5 Tf such a threat as this were given at all generally, of course tradesmen would be fri ar on the system of per-centages be knocked upon the head. ation, Mr. CHAWLEs said his custom was, on entering a new place, to go round to all the shops where the family had been dealing, and state plainly what his terms were for continui of course, within his power to preven! usual course pursued by servants (yes / yes a), and it had usually effect of frightening the tradesmen into yielding to their terms. wholesome fear might fail to operate, however, if {strong word] circulars about, as this [ditto] Duke hoped the meeting would excuse the vehemence of his epithets, but it | So Soo state ae |!

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se fa rht LEY at ity. ther the r to ARE- the Mp. ever ants Frpruary 25, 1865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 83 = his habit, when he felt things strongly, to use language to match. (Hear. Mr. ughter.) Instead of handing him some plate-powder wrapped in a | aint.” ell, would they | from tradesme: topics of the day. | such luxuries as footmen, unless Mip wished just to whisper that tradesmen were, he by them. (Hear/) As his carriage feared, already fighting shy of giving servants fees. His lady having | Hopperer, he would merely stop to move— purchased a few spoons the other day, he had called upon the silver- | is di smith and held his hand out ——: the plate wouldn’t take a polish.” ( believe it ? “That this meeting is disgus which all Mr. Joun THomas thought that “pussons” should not be allowed they could afford to be a little cheated was a-waiting to take him to the ! 1 J L ted with the Duke or SuTHERLAND, observing that “he found | and will use its utmost influence to prevent the abolition of per-cen' I ll servants are entitled to, or should be if they The resolution being carried, and three bank-note, the blackguard of a shopkeeper coolly said he never listened | for the Duke; the meeting resolv. & —— complaints, and very nearly kicked him (Mx. Mitp) out | ceeded to of the shop! tremendous hisses I ed itself into a free-and-easy, an the rate of discount in the City, .and other interesting iven ro- We x N “nr ) Fs , : | VES VS cop ii Om ‘oth Wace” : BT "4 my | eh ff) 4] _— os ee Ff y ee re DELIGHTFUL IGNORANCE. Clara. “‘ Cousin CaaRLES, WHAT DO THEY MEAN BY ‘Lumps or Deticnut?’” Charles. “Suc Dariines as YoursEtr, Cousin Ciara” ~~ THE HUMBLE PIETY OF THE POPE. His Holiness the Porg does not smoke cigars: a lot of cigars were sent him the other day from Ha and he gave them all to G at least so the Zemps says. ENERAL MONTEBELLO; Pro Nono might as well have sent a box of them, with his benediction, to Siz Georcr Bowyer, and another to Punch. Well, but although the Holy Father smokes not cigars, perhaps he smokes a pipe, and we may e with the eye of fancy contemplate the retended Head of th a “ churchwarden.” urch behind he Pork may smoke a meerschaum, though the occasional phenomenon of a winking image appears to show that he does not smoke a mere sham. m, received the other day by Mr. Reutz smoke it :— But if his Holiness does smoke any kind of pipe, let him put the subjoined BR from Paris, in his pipe and ‘* Monsianore Carat, the Papal Nuncio, has had an audience of the Empzror. His Eminence expressed his regret at the publicity given to the private letters addressed by him to Bishops of Orleans and Poictiers. He assured his Majesty that he was fully sensible of duties imposed upon him by the diplomatic character of his mission, and had never intention of failing in respect to the rules of international law.” Pen-and-ink, pen-and-ink, pen-and-ink, pen-and-ink, pen-and-ink ! also, Cuict, found out in writing mischievous letters, may be considered as Pen-and-ink.” Unwhipped, and only cowering in the fright of detection, cries Pen-and-ink, pen-and-ink, pen-and-ink, pen-and-ink—peccavi / the the any : So, to com- parative and fanciful ears, sounds the cry of the little cur under chastisement. So ing he Notwith- quoted Cuic1.” iven by to enjoy Yet s Th But And Who Pe Mary thanks have been believ Cuice1 did not receive an which he attempted to lick, above :— ‘‘ The Empzror graciously received the explanation of MoxsiaNoRE The explanation, consisting of pen: icuapatens Cuici of is ence, was of course which a French army of occupation will evacuate. The Porz, we learn from the‘ 7d od health. - We are glad to hear it. W. e —_ the digestion will remain unimpaired by the humble pie which it hes , Before th The do Would The painter’s and the sculptor’s art The Virtues have displayed ; Thou, chosen for the better part, standing, however, that his pen-and-ink and peccavi must ieved by the Imperial ¢oréador to the Porr’s Bull to mean not any repentance of treache petrated with ink and pen, but only grief at being found out in it, unpleasant from ) and according to the authority dictated had to deal with. ODE TO BUSINESS. O Busuyzss, thou art Business! Whene’er I breathe thy name Awe strikes my brain with dizziness, And chills my shivering frame. Th a Senos or O’er victors most victorious The victory is thine, See T And Venice no more free ; fine ; and Sidon now no more, till thy Britons thee adore : y Yankees worship thee. form o-oo , they did bow, for thine images, content Th emselves with greenbacks now. Perish Savoy and perish Nice, Poland and Denmark too, If less of thee, for broken peace, Tis likely we shall do ! how, except for thee, to take Up arms, can England need ? , ever, but for thy dear sake, have his country bleed ? { never been portray But, high on England’s altar placed, Thy statue should ap With apron tied pes waist, n stuck behind its ear. Make Him a Peer. Havine finished his Iliad, And ceased to busy, Lorp Dersy should try And translate his Opp-Dizzy. EXPRESS FROM THE KITCHEN, the Milkman for his Valentine. it was from him, because it was written on the best cream- laid. Her feelings tally with his. A Trirtz From SUTHERLANDSHIRE.— Why was the Garter given to the Duke of Fire-Engines? To keep up his hose. ry per; -and-ink and peccavi, detected correspon- from head-quarters, those rhaps shortly ‘ablet, continues foot She knew

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fepruary 25, 1865, SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. (Exclusively reported for the Drawing-Room.) February.—In this month house-hunting commences. as ear tion wil to as usual for all the best evening meets. THE RING. (Secretary's Office at the Clerk’s house, St. George’s, Hanover Square.) Mrs, A. D. VencHERr has got a novice, to be brought out this Season, whom she will be to match against any eligible young man from the country for £60,000 a side (¢.¢., on Ais side). bE Squincy (the © Cheltenham No-Chicken) has been waiting for some epee. wd A time in expectation of hearing from po amp hy ogy ong se Is it to be a match, or not ? Address as above, Curl Row, Cheltenham. GALLANT FIGHT BETWEEN THE PRETTY PET AND THE DEEP ’UN. It is needless for us to record the previous exploits of this well- matched'pair. Miss Fanny Fiyrre, alias the Pretty Pet, has already | sim con sevens) | Gorpars DEUXTEMPs i ig na no novice in all affairs expected, indeed, that he would be in a well-known fashionable drawing* | milliner wig and distinguished circle of pattems. mend rett ge a is gH HS pretty r at two minu revious ing in for t to) ne (Goat Waltz) ‘The Be Sete foalee to ask him why he had been looking so eross all evening. e Deep-’un countered this neat! yp big that it ho impossible for him to appear happy, while she did nothing but talk to bag bss oa eek Stuptynx. Some nasty hitting. Waltz continued.) Both more serious. The Pet oe lead the fighting towards her own corner, where she cleverly at ts ome et on & poe chair, and was immediately attended by | pe her x experienoed and her judicious trainer. sr tOnedalle besee ial ass. A =e, one another from tive corners. A sit out. 4. (Schottisché.) topes ‘an going round and round, keeping his eyes fixed on the Pet, who showed no signs of moving. The Deep’un ery. and went down awkward! y by the fire-place, Pet lau, ms m Pas un discomfited, retired to his corner. othing done; merely tiring out each other’s ny the Pai, doubtless saa pany upon the advice of her trainer; ap i zechlng Sah pecet some great effort. x (batten ane.) 9 in again coming up to the scratch, the Pet certainly seemed to be the fresher of the two. This time they set to work in earnest. The Pet, in the course of a sharp, P; rattling round, planting two blows in the Shy vol of the Deep’un’s heart, which evidently told severely. co threw out his left, which was dexterously stopped by ‘he Ba Bee right. This was followed bya strong grapple, vod a telling return in each other’s eyes. S was a very exhausting round. 9. (Burlesque Galop continued.) Both sparring for wind. After a quick round of merry exchanges, the Deep’un and Pet both went — ther—to —.. 10. (Supper Pa an hough work to keep the hands well at it. A cr ae fowl was raised for ete but not allowed. The flirtation now became very violent; the oe and Deep’un doing all they knew. The m4 with a view to bring matters to a crisis, but, as we imagine, > the wishes of her trainer, led the fighting up towards a niet corner. " Round 11. gee ny ape Conservatory. ) Short and decisive. The p’un, after some oe exchanges, went down on one knee. In this position he made , but just as the Pet was about to close with him, the ‘authorities, who had been dodged for some ine suddenly appeared ' on the spot, and put an end to the engagement for the present. A meeting, however, has since been arranged, whereof the particulars must, for obvious reasons, be kept dark. KITTY SPRIGHTLY (THE LADY’S MAID KITTEN) AND FRED. ROVER (THE AMATEUR). During a private theatrical performance, a merry little mill came off between a two yang Ons on the Landing Place the other evening. The Amateur cl for a second with the Kitten, who briskly shook him off. The tne then made another and more successful attempt, but was countere mem Ply by the Kitten on the auric Tn a subse- oes round he su in getting one on the Kitten’ 8 kissing trap, who, however, ae pews ng anton a He was suffering from a pair of Heir.’unting as possible in the ensuing Season. Cards of invita- Notice.—A great Tea Fight will shortly come off. There will a certain number of Rounds, and those, = usual, of Toast. For particulars apply at the office of the Record. Mr. Prver, of Regent Street, to announce that he has a fine assortment of Gloves on hand for pees, 0.8 Drawing-Room es. INTERFERENCE OF THE LAW.—MILL STOPPED. Samves Squapsie (the Grumbler) and M: LB (the Wi tious Wixen) met fee “the fortieth a “" Sou TS, aay exchanges, and much awkward orentdlite, eed were separated by JupGE WILDE. BREACH OF PROMISE FOR THE MILLION. Two actions for mn of promise of marriage within a week ; damages, £2,000 im each; in one case against a pannlpond cripple. Comment is superfluous, and would be hazardous, made without con- a of the, possibility of an action for libel, tried by a British Jury ~ tae HIgF Justice CockBuRN. _ But all vy damages, awarded by British Juries instructed by the oe lett mind dges, why should the superior and middle class ~ eT Is the jilted working woman to have no at str mln of Py ne ae) he gre man? As it is,a —— — ae ie doe] blighte hopes eip gan W see the pashan of of tiamediately pro- rey Ay to enable actions for breach of promise of marriage to be epety Cont, © Dak 9 Sos a eseken roan laeaiinies may get her twenty potinds out of a decrepit old costermo But even this will not suffice ay the demand of oved-batled justice. ought, in all reason, to be empowered to adjudicate sum- non-fulfilment of engagements by persons of op poorer classes Shoe victiins cannot afford to go to law at all. deserted village would be enabled to pated the com- mean fu to her r orashed Ceetins, out of a ee et of a faithless old of pl gs 2 the a at nine eye a Week, and aly of Seven Dials y-headed "old ge A be taught, by bein compelled to oy 4 out five shillings, what it was to trifle with the tender feelings of sweet seventeen, embodied in the interesting person al Miss Jupy O’CaLnaGHan, ELEGY ON THE PORPOISE. (BY HIS LATE KEEPER.) Tout for the porpoise, His voyage is o’er. Remove his corpus, For he is no more, To death the cold froze him Up in his basin They didn't doolets him A deep enough place in. By the ‘Overland Route. Ir is not generally known that the country in India, about which there was some obscurity in the QuzEN’s Speech, is remarkable for its Bhootanical Gardens. W. M. THACKERAY. Tue readers of Punch will scarcely regard as wnneen table anyt: connected with the memory of one w = was so long th r eir friend. oe An imputation of an unworthy kind has in the columns of the Atheneum, and it has been en 9 the amplest publicity may be given to the falsehood and to its refutation, we a to our a pages the following extract from the Atheneum of Saturday «In reply to the Correspondent who inquired ‘ How it has happened that Baroy ManRocuHettT!, although a Member of the Committee appointed to carry out the arrangements for a memorial to THACKERAY, has received the commission to execute that memorial,’ Mr. Surrtey Brooks, the honorary secretary to the undertaking, requests leave to state ‘that the allegation of the correspondent in question is simply and absolutely untruthful. That Baron MaRocnertt is not and never was a Member of that Committee ; is personally unknown to all its members, and was merely, in common with Messrs. DuruaM, Fotry, and Monro, among the seventy- | four gentlemen whose names were attached to the memorial to the DEAN or WEsT- | MINSTER for permission to erect the monument. That Baron MarocHertt’ s conduct | black eyes, Pe in other peapern ed not a -one whit the worse. The Kitten, on leaving the it? also had a pair of black eyes, and took away with her, over her upper ip, a nasty black mark left there by the Amateur, who, it is conj , 18 in the habit of using black cos- metique for his ‘moustache. in reference to the work has been of the most liberal and honourable character, and | | | | og finally, that it would not have been thought worth while to offer this explanation, | but for the Correspondent’s letter having been thought worth an editorial intro duction.’” itm a see 4 » _ wee) Lo 4 eee eet 6 is

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vhich or its thing | ans a plicity | to our | purday | ; Baroy | out the} execute | rtaking, | tion is | bver Was | pd was | beventy: | ie WEsT- conduct janation, | een ter, and | lal intro: } Marcy 4, 1865.] | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Master Tom (going back io School, to Fellow Passenger). “IF You’D LIke TO SMOKE, YOU CONDESCENDING. KNOW, GOV’NOUR, DON’T YOU MIND ME, I RATHER LIKE IT!” DOING IT “ LIKE A BIRD.” “ Recently, at a Ball in Paris, a Russian lady adopted the emblems of the and embroidered all over with eyes. A tunic, reaching from the waist to a little below the knee, was composed of striped velvet, recalling the colours of the y k ; bunches of p ks’ feathers everywhere, Pg PA AE oP peacoc orm, and colour, her forehead. The ornament was composed entirely of Sih tee oreet being fo formed 7 the : =p waia ear. ol e most jen sap phires. The whole was most curious and striking.” Tue fashionable reporter omits to add, that in order to make the resemblance to the pea- cock complete, and having read the proverb, which describes it as having “ the gprs an angel, the voice of a devil, and the interior of a glutton,” the female idiot in question eat several suppers voraciously, and went off in a screaming fit. PORCULUS MARINUS LOQUITUR. Wao brought me from the briny wave, Who with his kindness killed my corpus, Wie dog me ? vee grave, k popped me into it, poor Porpoise, Who choked me with his bits of fat, And standing where the eider duck land, Did tantalise me with a sprat, Who cut me open, eh? F——x B Dd. Literary Intelligence. A CamsBrince Undergraduate is informed that Pale-on-tology has nothing to do with the works of the author of the Hvidences of Christianity. ys« PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. > ONDAY, February 20. credit Attention, Ladies. the state of the Marriage Laws in the way. s. The The Lords are very uncomfortable about Canada. Lorp LYVEDEN, quotin; CoLonEL JERVO Report, showed that the colony was in a most undefended state, and urged that there could be no —- on ~ peaceful purposes o the Federals. Lorp Dexsy considered the state of our re- lations with the Americans to be most critical, and that the Colonel’s report was humili ting to this country. Our danger was from the passionate hostility of a great population. We ought, he said, to prepare to defend Canada. .Lorp EL- LENBOROUGH was on the same side. The Government came out in a trio«-Lorps E Grey, GRANVILLE, and RussELt defending our conduct, and | — in that of America. Lorp RussExt added that the Congress deserved all redit for having decreed the Abolition of Slavery—a cause always dear to the English heart. Mr. Punch, while delighted at the Abolition of Slavery, begs to remark to Lorp RussExt, that it would have been as much to the purpose to say | that the Federals had repaved Broad declining to see UEEN issues a Commission to inquire into nited Kingdom. Some of these days we | shall have legislation on the subject, and then people will have a chance of knowing | whether they are really married or not. ag a Bill has egy pte for ne a to hanged in prison by special licence. A coroner’s jury is proposed, and a certificate of the performance of the ceremony is to be granted. . In the Bride of Lammermoor, if any remains of a certain feast were totally uneatable, they were to be given to the poor. The remains of to-night were similarly bestowed, and persons interested in the subject will understand what Government proposes when Mr. Punch mentions that the area of charge is to be extended from the Parish to the Union. The change is chiefly to be approved because it tends to the future abolition of the system of settlement, which cheats the ratepayer, and is cruel to the pauper. Tuesday. The CHANCELLOR proposed to get rid of some Chancery business. He brings in a Bill placing small estates under the care of the County Courts. He also means to advise the Judges of those remarkable tribunals of rough justice to make orders for payment of debts by weekly instead of monthly instalments. He means to intro- duce a new Statute of Limitations, and to abolish all power of recovering debts for intoxicating liquors supplied on the premises. The British institution known as “c it up” wi done away, and a new light will be thrown on the saying, “ walk your chalks.” Well done, the Commons. Some people in Cheltenham and thereabouts have got up a Water Company, and come to Parliament for power to take the fluid from the springs that supply the es. They would “rob the river,” as Mr. Hentey—whom we hereby raise to the Peerage, as Lorp Hentey-on-Toames—well said. The House threw out the Bill by 118 to 88. Let the old frumps of Cheltenham drink the Cheltenham waters, which they are always puffing so furiously. That Wimbledon business occasioned a smart debate. It seems that Lonp Srencenr’s proposal to limit, civilise, and rail in the Common, does not meet with the universal adulation that was expected, and for which the cue was so confidently given when the scheme was first broached. A Committee of Inquiry on that matter, and similar ones, was agreed to. It was allowed, however, that Lorp SPENCER means well, Mr, O’Rert1y made a good speech on Recruiting, which VOL. XLVI,

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86 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 4, 1865. he said was going on ill, and he advised alterations inthe system. Lorp Ha4xtineton said that it was going on very well, indeed. Numscuniy advi ishmen to keep out of the Quzzn’s Army—we are by no means sure that the advice was not high treason, and we request Sm} those Rovunpett Parmer to consider whether he cannot hang NuMscuLty. Mr. Wuattey talked as idiotically on the other side, declaring that the Catholic soldiers were not to be trusted, as they owed allegiance to the Porz. We amend our last suggestion by requesting Sir Roum: DELL to consider whether he cannot tie ScuLiy WHALLEY together and hang them over a line, as the German soldiers used to do with the poor cats. Papist soldiers not fight for the Qurzn! Read’ Napier, Wuattey, if you are capable of reading anything but Railway re and Protestant tracts. Then we had some exceeding good sense from Lonp Srawtey. Mm AvpERLEY brought up the question of the local African ments, which he condemned as utterly useless} and as hotbeds of disease. After some debate, Lorp Staniey, who is the son of the statesman who carried the extinction of our own colonial slavery;. declared that the African squadron ought to be a thing of the past, that we owed nothing to ‘Attica, that the cost of our sea-police forthe benefit of the blacks (whom we did not benefit) was very great, and that if we wanted to spend a million a year in civilising savages, there: was: # population’ within five miles of the House of Commons that stood as mueh im need of civilisation as the Africans, and had been quite asmnuelh 3 r. Punch’s was loud. Mr. Carpwett had # little official answer, but we may look out for a grand flourisiifrom Lord Patmerston one of these nights, in support of the-squadron: r- theless the truth hath been os, and will eventually prevail. Nearly everybody having left the House—there being no Govern ment except Mr. Branp, and no Opposition at all, Mm. Bantes:came in with his Reform Bill, for lowering the borough franchise-from £10 to £6. There will be a fuller House before the Bill passes: Wednesday. A Bill, aimed at folks who vexatiously obstruct private Bills, in the hope of being paid to go away, like the orgaw scoundrels, was committed. The object was tq saddle such persons with costs. But there is also legitimate opposition to many schemes, and the House is not inclined to let a carried with a high hand, merely because a company is got toge and a flaming prospectus declares hing wanting to restore the Golden to bring on the Millennium. The advice which was bestowed gentleman who possessed an aged cow, for whom he found t to provide food, is advice which we should always tender, Commons, when asked to be arbitrary :— “ He pulled out his fiddle, and played her a tune, * Consider, old cow, consider.’ ” *| that its object is to do the only thi ap pe by the it diffi res Mr. Denman has a Bill for assimilating the criminal and civil practice | of summing up, by counsel. Also, for enabling parties, when a witness | swears differently on two occasions, to show that on one or the other he must have been perjured. We are gradually breaking down one after another of the mischievous old fences which Old Father Antic has set up to prevent our getting at truth. Some day or other we shall attain the extraordinary length of : L but convicted of having been engaged in a murder at a certain twelve o’clock, to be enough to say where he really was at that time. At present, of course, there would be an indignant shout. “Oh, you must not ask him that. He might have been engaged at that time on a burglary, or beating his wife, and no Englishman is bound to criminate himself.” Thursday. Hamilton Place is to be cut through. Mn. Cowrer said that the Metropolitan Board was too timid about providing useful and efficient thoroughfares. Now. the Board with cowardice, extraordinary. f The Temple of Justice—(no, not Janus, Mr. Compositor, none of your irony against a single-minded profession) is to be raised on the Carey Street site, and the lawyers, who have hitherto resembled Cargy’s CuicKens only because they come in storm-time, will have a double right to the name. Lorp Macav.ay saysof somebody, that he had a double right’to be a liar, because he was both a traveller and a Jesuit. And well said, Mr. Rotr. He hoped that some access to the New Courts from the Temple would be provided, without compellin persons to cross the crowded street of the Fleet. We should thin so. We forget what tragedian used to make such long pauses in Hamlet, that when he came on for the celebrated Toby or not Toby 8 and halted at “question,” you had time to run over from old rury to the Albion, get a Welsh rarebit and a glass of beer, and come ek in time for “ Whether ;” but we believe that even a Chancery suit might be heard, at the —_ accelerated rate, while an elderly on, standing on the south side of the Strand, could decide whether e would risk being run over by a railway van, a hansom, an Embank- ment slush-cart, a costermonger, a banker’s carriage, a brewer’s dray, or Her Majesty’s mail-cart, The Arrorney-GeNneRaL said that the asking a man, who is: al if even‘the gentle CowrzR charges their pusillanimity must be something the way. ll for ladi Bill would provide what was wanted. We suppose that a tunnel will be made. The Bank Notes Issue Bill, whereof we spoke to Materfamilias the country banker’s wife, and to the young ladies, was read a Second Time, and s, s0-Papa: has: no excuse-whatever for not giving i t will be: an awful good thing for him, this will, so . don’t let him talk any nonsense and mystification to you, my dears. To-day ped ge Cardinal was buried, and with him are buried all the long dead bitternesses' touching the great quarrel, which, how- ever, England is prepared to renew with any of his suecessors who may believe that because, irritation over, we are good- and indulgent about ecclesiastical , oa. England has any toleration for Priestly rule, Catholic or Protestant. But nothing save respect was manifested as the long funeral of CanpmvaL Wiseman blackened all Requiescat Priday. Lox» Westzvry introduced his’ new plan for rewarding attorneys; instead of leaving them to pay themselves by awful ver’ linge, He legalises a bargain between solicitor and cliemti. As soon as t Bill passes, Mr. Punch intends to call on a most eminent firm, and offer them some han price—say a set of his volumes—if, by the 1st of Se they put him in possession of some ’s estate—any t they-do not one they can get, but the Southern counties-preferred. If "ic Commons; afters sharpish debate, pitohed out « Liverpool Bill Jommons. a sharpis out a Li i intended to Liverpuddli lic-houses. There may be local: reasons for the measure, but “ reasons must, perforce, give way to better.’ The Liverpool istrates appear to be Arbitrary Coves; and to have no definite principles of action. We then had another Irish de Treland has, up to the present date, monopolised exactly four-fifths of the debates since the Houses met. Tf ours is the Irish Parliament, why don’t we hold it in Dublin? The debate to-night, however, was not a vulgar howl, but a discussion, originate by Mr. ¥, into the causes of the decline of the population of Ireland. He wished—the Irish always ior Govern- ment aid. The CHaNceLtor or THe ExcHEquer answered him, on general principles, and declined to depart from the course prescribed by true. political gg “Help yourself,” is the great rule of lif unch invariably ad ife, to which, however, Mr. , “and pass the bottle.” CARRIAGES FOR NON-SMOKERS WANTED. Deak Puncu, henge I am fond of a cigar, and I like to smoke when travelling, if only for the fact that one has nothing else to do. Besides, I find tobacco soothing to the nerves; and, as accidents best-regulated railways, it is a comfort to have something to kee oneself from thinking of them, and from shaking in one’s shoes. St IT know I am a nuisance every time I smoke, at least if I do so in a| first-class carriage, where the stuffy fluffy cushions are certain to retain | the smell of my cigar, and thereby to offend the noses of the sensible, | who, as I do, hate stale stinks. Sitting in smoked carriages is nasty enough for men who are not over nice, but it is ever so much nastier es who are nice, as every lady ought to be. Their skirts are more ee than the clothing of a man, and more retentive of the smoke with which, by contact with the cushions, they are rapidly | impregnated. ge hen, imagine what a nuisance it must be to'# lady who is going to a | concert, or to pay a morning call, to have to ride ina smoked carriage, | and feél conscious when she quits it that her dress bears in its folds | the flavour of a tap-room. eclare I often shudder, while enjoying | my cigar, to think what pretty noses may be’turned up in disgust at it, | and what pretty cheeks may redden from the consciousness of clothing perfumed with tobacco-smoke, which is sure to be detected by one’s | dear friends in a drawing-room. But what amItodo? The directors | will not charter smoking carriages enough to acco all smokers, | and if J refrain from smoking, some one else is sure to smoke, for the | rule is now to do so, and non-smokers are exceptions. Instead then of supplying a few carriages for smokers, I think that | the directors should keep some for non-smokers. A man who does not | smoke is generally now in a minority of one, when the point “to smoke | or not to smoke” is publicly debated. 4 special carriages be fur- nished where no’ smoking is allowed, and smokers would take special | care never to go into them. But while smokers are penned up in one! hot, close, stuffy carriage, like a lot of unclean beasts, they will of course invade any carriage that is open to them, and, regardless of the fine, infringe the law against tobacco. : - 1f you will only help to settle the smoke question by the plan which I suggest, of having special carriages provided for non-smokers, I will gratefully offer a burnt-sacrifice in honour of you every time travel, and I doubt not there are millions in these piping times of ours who will gladly do the same. oe a : I remain, Sir, yours admiringly, Peter Purr. P.S. Was ARISTOPHANES a smoker, do you think? You know he wrote about the Clouds, will happen on the

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Maren 4, 1865.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL.

ATR 4 re es yu {3 my |) t? “9 Rei } f + Ce ee ee ae es tae” Ne pope uh (ha oer i" | , . te we aii, “~ al NY N —< , a " 7 | < | \ WONDERFUL INSTINCT OF THE GIRAFFE, " By wHich 1? Escargs Drrarueria punmvc tae Warren. (W.B. A Positive Fact) WOMAN’S RIGHT. (A Billet to Brieut.) Dezargst, could I use a warmer Word, I would, Jonw Briex, yet oh! Buta half and half reformer, Far enough thou dost not go. Manhood’s right to the elective nfireme u proclaimest due ; wy, 2 Sario so defective, omanhood’s assert not too ? V working men contented Should not rest, they ’re told by thee. Tell us why, unrepresented, Working women ought to be. If deficient information a uo Windeaase in men’s way a share in legislation, We are quite as wise as they. Mil Saw, plane, chisel, are they better Than the washtub and the churn ? If the pickaxe you unfetter, Let the mangle have a turn. Oh, Jonn, you should get on faster! Woman’s equal rights proclaim ; Treat the mistress like the master. Won't you? Naughty man, for shame! Das

“Tue GenTLemey oF THE Lonc Rozz.”—Baby-boys before they are shortened. gids

UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE. MzmMORABLE in the annals of music is the celebrated contest about Tweedledum and Tweedledee, which ended in the utter discomfiture of r little Tweedledee, who, for aught we know, entered a Convent of Discarded Twiddleumtwees, as Sister Tweedledumb, and has been heard no more. Piece of Music be to her, without variations. | quiescat, even through all the bars’of a Convent Celi! And now, what fos this to do with a University? This, namely, that the other day at Oxford (Vide Times, Feb. 24th), the Dons, assembled jin a solemn Congregation holden to consider the Local Examination Statute, spent ater portion of their valuable time in a debate concerning the % “tum, tum.’ The condensed reports of our serious contem- | poraries did not at the time give sufficient prominence to the laudable | attempts made by several eminent Professors to introduce a sing-song | tone into the lively discussions of their learned body. | The great question, imported into this debate, was whether, on the / entrance of the Vice-CHaNceLior, the Heads of Houses should

stand up, and, led by the Junior Proctor, his bands playing the melody, | should sing, to the tune of “‘ See the Conquering Hero,” the following pean :— (Con spirito) “ Tom tum ti tum ti Tiddle liddle lum tum tw-um {ffeteose) Tiddle liddle lum tum tum ti Bene marcato) Tum tam tum ti tum!” The Junior Proctor objected to the introduction of Mr. LippE1’s name into the verse. He did not approve of personal allusions. The Senior Proctor wished to inquire what was meant in this instance by a personal allusion ? The Junior Proctor thought that “ Tiddle diddle tum tum tum” contained an animadversion on that respectable and worthy member of the University. He begged to move that after “tiddle” the word “liddle” be removed from the text. The motion was put, and carried by a majority of ten. The word “iddle” was then substituted amidst much cheering. Proresson Rawiinson wished to make another amendment. He roposed the omission of the initial and final ¢um. He thought the whole orce of the verse would be lost if “ Zwm-tum” should be retained.’ Dr. Pussy saw no hardship in keeping the form as it stood. He considered the words to imply that religious education was compulsory. He didn’t like these changes. When he was a young man, the refrain of more than one song that he knew was “ Ri tooral looral looral.” Why should they not return to “ Ri tooral looral?” The Venerable ‘octor concluded a lengthy speech by saying that in this form he would be most happy to support the amendment with his (Dr. Pusgy’s) Ri tooral loolral looral looral liddy fol looral ri tol looral li do,” Re- | Ths peaches immedi faly seacivad. Gemaon, inte shoe of he whole house, a general ignorance o} une and time | which the Doctor's words were to be set, — arrived at a conclusion. | The Master of Balliol was of opinion that the words tum tum only | gave a pre-eminence to the subject of controversy. The once popular | melody “ Zubly Rosa” was founded upon an old Puritan hymn tune. He objected to Puritanism, and was afraid that the adoption of tum tum | would needlessly rekindle the d embers of old world party spirits. The Regius Professor of Bye Laws and Regulations wanted to know if | the last speaker oem the line to which reference had just been made? | The Master of 1 said he couldn’t sing without music. But, on | being provided with a banjo, he at once struck up in his clear mellifluous | voice, | * Lubly Rosa, Sampo come, Don't you hear the banjo | With a tum tum tum.” _. The Master then went on to express a wish as to his being jiggered if he didn’t entertain sentiments of the most profound affection for the | lovely Rosa. The speaker resumed his seat amid some applause. | Proressor Burrows thought ¢um tum ambiguous. | The Master of Merton rose to ask whether his College, out of | respect to a juvenile literary institution, was ever going to be called | Sandford and Merton College? Qn being reminded that this had | nothing to do with the question, he said he thought that “tum tum” ought to be abandoned. The Dean of Christchurch rose to express his horror at hearing that | anything should be “abandoned” in that assembly. What did the | Master of Merton mean by it ? , The Master of Merton rose to explain. He didn’t mean what he | (the Dean) meant. He meant something else. He wasn’t pune to | support the amendment. But he meant, or rather he should say he had | meant, or perhaps it might be better expressed by saying that that was | his meaning. On reconsideration, he didn’t think he meant anything. | The Juniorest Proctor present then put the question. Would the original mover of the resolution (Dr. Portiy) press “tum tum’ in its present form, or not ? : | Dr. Portity, University Professor of Medicine, said he felt some | pain in doing so. He was not astonished at their scruples. It was his department to deal with them, : | . The Vice-Chancellor pardon for the interruption. On refer- |ring to the minutes, he found that it was five o’clock—just time for | H Dinner was a necessity. Every one in that assembly was like | the Great Poet—“ not for an age, but for Hall time.” He proposed that | the various bills of fare should be laid upon the table. The Proctors | would collect votes. | Out of a Congregation of forty members, the numbers were for the Vice-Chancellor’s motion— Placets 39; Non-placet 1 (who was going to dine out at 7). The House was then dissolved.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Marcu 4, 1865. HELD {UAH oe = an S S Ss > RSS ~s we x WK ART v. NATURE. Sitter. “ On, I roink THIS PosITioN WILL DO, IT’s NaTuRAL AND Easy.” Photographer. “ AW, THAT MAY DO IN OrpDINARY Lirg, Ma’aM; BUT IN PHOTOGRAPHY IT’S OUT OF THE QUESTION ENTIRELY!” \ IK INK Ss WN mi), Z | ZZ, VW \ alt = Ss pd ttl” lly Mf y; AMSAMAL — = i] Vah / i 4 - lyf lh | Aer = Wy; i) / / YOUR OWN LITTLE BLACK. Atn’t I black enough to be cared for ? ». I’m not a black nigger, ’tis true, As armies and fleets is prepared for, And missionaries is sent to. But I’m black as dirt can well make me, And if, by the look of my skin, You’d nigh for a blackamoor take me, LT ain’t not much lighter within. | I’m no nigger, I look it, And haven’t been no better taught Than, seein’ a Bobby, to hook it, In course, to avoid bein’ caught. We’re wery much like one another, We are, arter all’s said and done. If he is a man and a brother, hy, ain’t I a boy and a son? And has to is place in creation, No doubt but my own is the same, io. monkey without eddication ; And who is the parties to blame ? — for all nee se rubbin’, e nigger a nigger " Your honours, with some little scrubbin’, May make a white Christian of me. Jesuitical Definition. BY A STUDENT OF STONYHURST. A Severe Order.—To be flogged to-morrow. Tue Farrres’ Diocesan.—Bishop of Elphin. A VERY (IM)PERTINENT DOCKYARD QUERY. THERE is a “standing-head” in the morning papers called “ Admi.- | ralty Intelligence.” Mr. Punch would be gis to know whether the following paragraph, which appeared under this head a short time ago, records a piece of “ Admiralty intelligence.” He would call it a record of “ Admiralty stupidity :”— “« The enormous sheer-legs, made of masses of le and plate iron, and intended to form the 40-ton hoist at the head of the fener basin in Woolwich Dock- yard, will probably be erected to-day. Its transport by Bray’s traction. e was witnessed by the various officers of the and many other ns. e ques- tion was frequently raised, ‘Why has the A: ty sanctioned the outlay, stated to be £2,000 for new sheers, while a crane of equal capacity, and similar manufac- ture, received a short time ago, is lying unemployed in its shed?’” Dockyard Echo (being in the interest of the Admiralty) answers “Ed,” of course; but out-of-doors Echo, not having any views on Admiralty pay or pension, answers “‘ Want of ’ead,”’ decidedly THE SECRETS OF THE PRISON HOUSE. ‘* Dr. Brown, the principal of the Bl e Lunatic Asylum, in New York, | when giving evidence on a recent trial, sta’ that ALpER’s German and English | Dictionary, which is used as a standard text-book in most of the Colleges of the United States, was written bya person of insane mind in the Bloomingdale Asylum. He also added several others College text-books were written in that Asylum, and that one of the leading retire, os a in New York is principally edited in that insti- tution, the leading editorial being written three or four times a week by a person of unsound mind under confinement.” Punch knows now why “ Uncle Sam” has | persisted in saying that we didn’t understand his institutions; so will all who have rea the above; but “ Uncle Sam” has we ca parr right, for though Mr. P. did not know that any of the New York editors were under —— se lunatic, he has long thought that more than one of them ought to be. A Warntne to Youne Lapres.—Never set your heart on a Doctor. He can only love by fits and starts.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 91

REFORMATORY RIGOUR. ontHY Mr. Puncu,—With a view to the rather desirable object of preventing young pickpockets from growing into confirmed thieves, what think you of the discipline maintained at Reformatories, supposing a specimen of it to have been disclosed in the |) subjoined extract from a letter || written home by an inmate of one of thoseestablishments P— “TI hope you enjoyed yourself at Christmas, as I did and all our school-fellows. We had roast beef ‘ and plum pudding for dinner, as much as we could eat,and we all sat round the: fireside; and sung and danced, and dressed our room with holly. a a ee D e im which it does = 4 You would not gt . 00) house Leite our out at istmas ; us & supper. ~~ agi roast mutton, and got homeat)11 o'clock.” Not bad for am inmate of'a Reformatory, eh? Nota bad sample of letter-writing ; not. ’ bad Christmas fare en- tertainment narrated! therein. By no means the beef, and pudding, and mutton, and the me ing even; not at all bad, any of it, in mr sense m4 the Ey aps you will say. For you, Ur. Punch, with your fine . . _ aan of differences, will distinguish between reformatory schooling and penal servitude. This distinotion, however, seems to amy rather overlooked by “ A Country Vicar,” who sends the foregoing quotation to the Zimes, wherein it appears under the heading of “A Pleasant Discipline.” The Vicar considers the discipline of : pony Christmas far too pleasant for a Reformatory, and deprecates it as ollows :—} “May we not imagine how some delights, ht think it no bad One small theft would seem to continuance in well-doing might scarcely lead.” Very likely. What then? A “half-starved hopeless child of sin” must needs incapable of any “ continuance” in ‘goog. but he is capable of diseon- tinuance in doing ill, and which will he do least ill by doing; to commit one theft more for the purpose of getting admitted into a Reformatory, or to go on thieving in _ may manage to subsist half-starved until at last, perhaps, he comes to be The “Country Vicar” concludes with the following serious and sarcastic reflection : — “ Surely a sense of sin and shame, and a certain amount of suffering, should not be forgotten amid so much fun in the work of reformation.” Well; all Reformatories are supposed to be provided with a parson, who preaches to their inmates on Sundays and festivals. He would of course preach them a special sermon on Christmas Day, and a “ dly be half-starved, hopeless child of sin, hearing of such tion to qualify for so much roast beef and plum pudding? sense of sin” would har “forgotten,” if, in his discourse, the reverend gentleman explained the reason why that annive is celebrated, any more than it would be forgotten by a Bishop preaching to 8 Satinalile congregation of “ miserable sinners.” But do you con- sider, Mr. Punch, that reclaimed street-urchins in a Reformatory, who have never been taught to know sin from sanctity till they came there, require to be impressed with a deeper sense of sin than the educated occupants of a luxurious pew? And is it your opinion that juvenile offenders reared in poverty and ignorance, ought to be visited with a sense of “shame” for their misdeeds more grievous than that which affects adult transgressors of the superior classes ? : ) to “suffering,” Sir, if I mistake not, children at Reformatories are in no want of — A not uncommon incident of their purgation is a severe whipping. For misbehaviour of no pet enormity they are often whi oe savagely by a strong man with a birch rod. Ought “a certain amount o suffering,” beyond that which necessarily attends all education, to be the rule of their existence even on Christmas Day? Why, yes, Sir, if they are to be educated in bitter hatred of their teachers and tormentors and Society at large. If the contrary object is intended, then the way which you will perhaps consider best calculated to effect it is the substitution of a happy childhood for a wretched one. It may possibly an easier and shorter path to that te which even a long | and Mr, G:

appear to 7% Mr. Punch, that “ A Country Vicar” commits the somewhat clerical error of confounding the notion of a Reformatory with that of a House of Cor- rection. Psychology has doubtless taught you that a necessary condition to the development of is kind treatment, and you will probably allow that the distinction between reformation and Foy sae is one that is made by strict common sense and not by mere MawxisH SENTIMENT.

ENORMOUS REDUCTION IN THE NAVAL ESTIMATES: TueERe has been a good/deal said, out of. doors, as to the Sxpendliaae the goar. "Sam mrerpere Se lave i sou are to: y say we are not. We don’t know: whiat the: War C 0 i doing, but the Admiralty is evidentlyystraini ar Office is every nerve to save public money. Leb who y doubt read this, andibilash for thieir cynical'scepticism :— off the doekyard' men. were ordered to Geeaioe tan © which it was necessary to the sum of Sa cech: wameliiaiak to, cites and, deducted from contract payment. After a lapseof.some. men: complain of not po received their [a ar the of the delay, it was alleged t had. not been: or a amount of I it oe, uit 6 men each vine been withheld Techesdh oneal 2 —_ — There! what do you sayto tliat? That’s i like saving! Stop] \let ws ealoulate it carefally twelve men, at a ing a-mam;; why; it’s: aot pence saved to the country > @ three job— exactly a penny in the pound. small mi i seem a small result of several days?’ intense arithmeti labour in the Paymaster’s office, andi sayeral days’ waiting for their money by the dockyard! fess” but sneerers and scoffers remember the rn a care of the pence.” Hitherto, the A ty allowed both the pence and the-pounds to take care of thiemselves, and the result has not been satisfactory in the case of currency denomination. The pounds got lost, evidently they wanted somebody to take care of the pence. But now that the Duxe or Somerset has begun: to take care of the Admiralty pence, let us hope the Admiralty pounds will begin to take care of themselves. Mr. Guapstonz, when he read the above startling item of naval intelligence, is reported to have had an attack of hysterics, and to have wept so loud that Mr. AnpERsON D . Haminton ed into his and i = _ the contents of the official hand-basin in which of ei! the matter of ecclesiastical appeal. Mr. almost choked—owing to the quantity of odiwm theolo- gicum which had been deponited in the water—and was some minutes before he could explain, which he did with considerable asperity, that the tears which had so alarmed his attached official subordinates: were tears of joy. t for some of this in an eight-ounce Mr. ANDERSON respectfully preciqus fluid, and has had it bo phial, with the label, “ Tron tears down Plutus’ cheek.” A small quantity of this elegant extract has been sent by Mr. Guapstone in a lachrymatory of rare old dragon c to Six Ricnarp Bromiey, who finds great support from sniffing it, in those ent moments when he is on the point of sinking under the combined Mg ath his official duties as Commissioner of Greenwich Hospital, his sense of the national ingratitude to himself, and his horror at. the extravagance of the House of Commons,

The Unmanageable Island. In order-to settle the Irish difficulty, it has been pro- to abolish the Church of Ireland as by law esta- ished, and to establish the Roman Catholic Church in its lace. The ey of this p: would most Fikely be, that the lrish Papists would all immediately turn Protestants, and that the Irish Church would be as great a grievance to the Irish people as ever.

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92 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. PITY POOR LUCY!! OBLIGED To co TO THE Monpay Porutar wits Cousin Bess (FROM THE COUNTRY) WHO. WILL DO HER Harr 2 la théiére—tuar 1s, Teapot FasHIoNn. MODEL CONCERTS. Bravo, Mr. Manns! Your Saturday Winter Concerts, in their way, are model concerts. Thanks to your good judgment, the programmes are arranged to please all ears excepting long such as are not moved by any concord of sweet sounds, and whose owners, though not fit perhaps for treason, stratagems, and spoils, are certainly not suited to the Crystal Palace concert-room. : Another admirable point in your programmes is the notice that an interval of five minutes will occur after the symphony which begins each of your concerts, and another interval before the final overture or other instrumental work. The lighter music in the pi e is performed between these pauses; and people who like songs, but cannot understand a symphony, thus have their exits and their entrances without disturbing other persons of more educated taste. In music, as in other matters, this is a free country, and every Briton has a right to quit a concert in the middle if it pleases him todo so. But he has no right to annoy other people by his egress, which he is sure to do by leaving in the middle of a piece. ere are various tastes for music as there are for every other sort of mental food. Some like the turtle of BeztHoven, some the venison of Mozart ; while others only relish the lollipops of Vexo1, or the trifles light as air which are whipped up for the dance. A man—nay, a Manns—who wishes to be popular must cater for all tastes; but he must take care in so doing that the dishes do not clash. The lovers of BrETHOVEN have a right to growl and grumble if their hearing of a symphony be disturbed by the incoming of the lovers of a dance-tune or a sentimental song; nor is there any reason why people should not hear the last iece in a programme in silence if they like. But, in general, no sooner is the ast piece commenced, than silks begin to rustle and boots begin to creak; and the music is performed with a stirring pedal accompaniment which quite destroys its beauty, and robs its would-be hearers of the treat for which they wait. So; bravo Mr. Manns! Mr. Punch applauds your effort to obtain a quiet hearing for BestHoven and MenpeELssonn ; and Mr. Punch would simply hint that the person whoin future interrupts their hearers should be regarded as a mis- | creant whom it were Bow flattery to call a brainless ass. It is mainly Mr. Ns who has raised these model concerts to their present eminence, and in consequence a fund is being raised for Mr. ws, to which pas _ are invited to subscribe to testify the pleasure he has given to the public. THE WARNING OF WANDSWORTH — COMMON. Mrowient lay still on fair West Hill, Wandsworth snored silent nigh ; But for yell and scream of the whistling steam, As the darkling trains roared by. That sound alway, both night and day, Must Clapham Junction hear, Now Battersea plains are a place of trains That *sparagus erst did rear. *Twixt whistle’s yell, that rose and fell, I heard a voice of woe, Tow the Black-sea birches it scarcely stirred, So faint it was and low: An eldritch sound that thrilled the ground, And through the air did run [Maro 4, 1869, *T was the Spirit of Wandsworth Common that called | To the Spirit of Wimbledon ! Spirit of Wandsworth Common, Sleep’st thou, Brother ? Spirit of Wimbledon Common. Brother, nay ! Sleep from me is scared away. | Round my skirts surveyors stride, _ Through my furze-brakes builders glide : Bold invaders, plotters sly, Meting me with pace and eye. a and ta) pes aoe ! raw around my _ Tis for this I watch and weep, . Now when happier Commons sleep! Spirit of Wandsworth Common. Watching, Brother, thou dost well: °T was for want of watch I fell. As secure I sleeping lay In the shade of SPENcER’s name, Foemen cut my skirts away, Left me scarred and bared to shame. Well thou knowest once how brave, Robed in green, I met the spring ; How my birch-plumes used to wave O’er golden gorse and purple ling ; How the April-lovers knew me, Summer loiterers flocked unto me ; What rich feasts of light and air *Neath the blue sky’s breezy tent, I would spread—life-giving fare— To the = Poor, city-pent ! Happier Common, then, than I Basked not under Surrey sky : Freer, fairer Common none_ Took frown of cloud, or smile of sun. So I slept—till evil men Stript and scarred me, back and brow ; Think, oh think, what I was then, See, oh see, what I am now! My green robe’s a tattered shred, Gold and purple ’s rent away : Torn the birch-plumes from my head ; F’en my very skin they flay ! Take my bones to mend the roads, Dot me o’er with vile abodes— Hideous Cockney-villa spawn, Each squat in its cube of lawn! And a prison glares and glooms From its iron-windowed tombs ;— Burial-place o’ the living, here, And a cemetery, there ! Schools, asylums—well I ween, Little children are my joy ; In old times my gladdest green Was put on for girl and boy ; And my lap was full of flowers To make sweet their playing hours. But the more I love their play, From their schools I turn away. } ll ye | ap pu

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Maron 4, 1865.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 93 But e’en schools Id bear to take, All for Charity’s sweet sake. No such plea my soul resigns 'o iron-lines. That my wasted forehead score, Growing ever, more and more! Then be warned, ere ’tis too late, Brother, by a brother’s fate. Tf thou sleep, as I have slept, Thou wilt weep as I have wept. SPENCER is a noble name,— Noble still a Spzencer’s aim: Yet though Srzncer spurns reward, though Spencer seeks not pelf, per his guard that guards teamscll ZT know how the shoe doth pinch— And this tale each corn doth tell— Brother, do not give an inch, t, perchance, they take an ell ! A CASE FOR LAWSON AND CO. ue attention of the United Kingdom Alliance is direc to the subjoined announce- ment which has appeared in the papers : — “Contract ror Rum FOR THE Navy.— Her Majesty’s Govern- ment has accepted the tender of Messrs. Henry Waite & Co. for a further supply of rum to the extent of 65,400 gallons.” From the antecedents of the United Kingdom Alliance it- may be hoped that the a Re deputation of teeto- rs to wait on Lorp Pat- MERSTON, and remonstrate with him on allowing the Admiralty to encourage the liquor traffic, and provide — with .- means of indulgence in the consump- tion of ardent spirits. If they are only true to themselves they will not be restrained : ¢ from taking this step by any i | of being contemptuously bowed out, and of incurring public ridicule anew by a fresh act of conceited folly and impertinence. POLICE INTELLIGENCE, 1875. (If the Ladies go on at their present rate.) WESTMINSTER.—Lapy Emtty Stasnerass and Miss GatLorer were brought before Mr. Sztre, c , the former with throwing stones in Hyde Park, and the latter with assaulting the police. Potice-ConstaBLz A 256 said that he saw the prisoners in the Park, by the ——— at about five in the afternoon, just when the ring was full; and t from their manner, that they were bent on mischief, watched them. He heard the prisoner GaLLorgR say to the prisoner Stasuerass, “ Em, old girl, I’ll give you six to one you don’t knock that groom’s hat off once in seven shies.” The other prisoner said Done!” and threw a large stone, which passed close to the groom’s head. At the third shot she knocked his hat off; whereupon the witness took both the ladies into custody. The prisoner GaLLorER was very violent and abusive, threw her cigar in his face, and struck him a severe blow in the eye, from which he had suffered great pain ever since. The Prisoner Gattorer. How was I abusive ? Wrrngss. You called me a low, area-sneaking Bobby. (Zaughter.) Joun Hicks said:—I am a groom, and yesterday was sitting on horseback, leading another horse, when my hat came off. Mr. Setre. Came off, Sir? Mind what youare about, Sir? Was it not knocked off ? Wirvess, It may have been. The worthy Macistrate failed to get any further information from witness, in spite of threatening him with an action for perjury; and the Prisoner Stasnerass loudly expressed her opinion that witness Hicks was a “ brick.” 7 er opinion that the will see the necessity of send- | Mr. Sztre said that these assaults on the police by ladies of the Upper Classes were becoming shamefully frequent. He must make an example. He should fine them each three dozen of white kid gloves, con. or, in default, have them locked up for two hours in the Pantechni Mapame Cuarzzs, who was present, immediately paid the fine. oa teen en and jin Saran DE Srin- STER were with dog- ora i 5 and Stee Warum with four and abetting, and obstructing mg gen the police in the morning he was from a lady ion of the mameington Gard three “Go it, Sam-an! I’ll hold your bonnet.” -) . hay GIsTRATE. You say that the other were abusive, Pray ow am Wirem. They said Id been shaving, and kept calling ont, “ How’s ILKE ?” The Macistrate. I don’t see much im that. The Cuter CxeRx explained to his Worship that Drixe had recently been forced to put a stop to Croquet in the in conse- quence of the riotous proceedings of the ladies At the last great match between Belgravia and i had been a regular set-to with croquet hammers, and one case had terminated ! The Macistrate said that he was determined to pat an end to this sort of thing. It was a most a and most unfortunate thing, that the young women of the present day should be led away = delu- sion, that acts of “ fastness” like this could be attractive ay whose opinion was in the least worth having, | the style and tone which they had lately chosen to adopt, the women were to the winds all that vast influence which their mothers had and had used for so much good. The ambition of the girls of the day was, it seemed to him, to make themselves rivals in the follies of the more unthinking of the other sex, who Aatens them, while they encouraged them. The Prisoners were each fined eight boxes of chocolate drops, or in default to be locked up in the Hanover Square Rooms for half an hour. The Prisoners, who were evidently taken aback by the severity of the sentence, asked, through Lapy Romprneton, whether the chocolate was to be “ Masson” or “ Menier.” The Magistrate. Half of each. After a short delay, Mz. Gunter, of Berkeley Menter, of Henrietta Street, Covent Garden, ap . The Prisoners left the Court in their carriages. uare, and M. and paid the HERE AND THERE. SONG BY CLOWX, Here we ate! Let you and me Think how long we’ve here to stay. We are here now, abet we Shall be there ano day ! When we weren’t here, there we were. Here when we no more remain, hen again we shall be there, _ Shouting, “ Here we are again! ” ASTRONOMICAL NOTICES FOR 1865. BY THE ASTRONOMER PLEBEIAN. Some “dark” phenomenon may eepeee in the course of the Derby day, but not equal to the original “ Eclipse.” The transit of Venus will take place along Rotten Row, round the Park, and through the crush-room of the Opera. Observers are coming ren every quarter of the Globe to watch this constellation of uty. Charles’s Wain has consented to have its carte taken by Curer Baron Poutux. Aries and Taurus have engaged Mr. Coxwett’s balloon to bring them to the Cattle Show. The next Pope may be Leo.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 4, 1865. FASHIONS FOR THE COMING SEASON. From THE “JouRNaL pgs CorrrEurs.” [The Ladies have already begun. | THE LICENCE OF THE LONG ROBE. Mr. Ponca, : THE honourable Member for County Clare has introduced into the House of Commons a bill to amend the law of libel, of which I cannot approve, because it is designed to diminish litigation, and therefore calculated to injure the learned and scrupulous profession to which I have the honour to belong. this measure, Sirk Cotman O’LoGHLEN proposes to ig ane the proprietors of news- po from their existing liability to action or prosecution or libellous or deletions matter contained in their reports of speeches made at public meetings, and to trans- fer that liability to the speakers thereof. I should not object to this alteration if I thought that, whereas actions are now brought against newspaper proprietors, they would, if it were to become law, be on just as often against the makers of speeches; but I am afraid that practically such would not be the case, because a man’s speech is one thing, and its report by another man is another thing, responsibility for the former is not respon- — for the latter, and there would be more or less difficulty in proving coincidence of one with the other. This oy Neen gt pamneent Gow fs = going to law wit object of getting vindictive 8 ; | and that would be detrimental to business. | The clause proposing this objectionable change in the law of libel, is, however, accompanied by the considerate | provision that it is not to affect the privileges of Parlia- | ment or courts of justice. Parliament would of course | take care of its own privileges; but those of the courts of | justice might be sacrificed by a too hasty law-reformer. | If a man, speaking in public on public affairs, whieh are | no business of his own, allow himself to be carried away , by feelings of indignation, however natural, and his words | can be brought home to him, let him take the consequences | of his indiscretion — an action for slander, and heavy damages. If a newspaper proprietor publish libellous — es for‘public information, let him suffer the penalties of libel. But ever respect the privileges of courts of justice! It is of the utmost importance that a barrister, | eoaing for hire on behalf of his client, should be at perfect | iberty to cast the t and most groundless imputa- | tions that he may think it expedient to invent on anybody’s character which it may suit his purpose to blast. “ Decil’s Own” Club, Feb., 1865. Cavsipicvs. ;A CHANCELLOR DIVIDED AGAINST HIMSELF. Tr Homer sometimes nods, even Lornp WestTBuRY may now and then be allowed to snooze. Still, a Chancellor’s snoozing is a serious thing, except on fhe Woolsack during a debate in the House of Lords. In that “Sleepy Hollow” a Chancellor snoring with his eyes shut seems rather in keeping than not with the “solemn drowsi-head” that reigns around. . But when a Chancellor takes forty winks on the Bench—above all, | when he delivers judgment in this winking state, it may be a very | serious matter both for clients and counsel. It must have been in one of these non-lucid intervals of obliviousness, that Wzsrsury, Chancellor, the other day, decided in his own Court the recently reported case, “ Ex parte Porrer, Re Barron.” The case turned on the question whether the execution of an unstamped deed of assignment by a debtor could be relied on as an act of bankruptcy. Counsel brought forward two cases in which such a deed had foo udicially decided to have this character. The second — (Zz parte WENsLEY) was cited as a decision of Lorp CHANCELLOR AMPBELL'S. Who was Westsvry, that he should be ga by CampBeLt? He , overruled the decision cited to him as plain Joun’s, adding, with that courtesy which distinguishes him, that “he did not wish to be held as agreeing with the decision cited to him in Er parte | Wenstzy : it would take a good deal of argument to convince him of | the soundness of that decision.” | Jt subseqeeatiy turned out that this decision was one of Lorp | WEstTBURY’s own! | Really, counsel should be more careful. Not only “ circumstances ” | but Chancellors “alter cases.” If decrees are _ with wrong | names, who can tell what ought to weigh? Cited as CamPBELL’s | opinion, WESTBURY was in honour bound to pick a hole in Er parte Nensiey. Cited as Wesrsury’s, though not the more sure to be right, the judgment would of course have been respected by our courteous and candid Chancellor. Lorp Westsury is always understood to consider one person at least as infallible. That person is Lory WesTBURY. If that infallibility is to be divided against itself, what are the Courts of Equity to beliéve in ? _It is as bad as the Porz condemning in the Encyclical the very prin- ciples he was “‘ Viva-Pio-Nono-ed” all over Italy for setting his name | to in 1848, Af this sort of thing goes on, the proverbial uncertainty of the Law will be nothing to the uncertainty of Equity. Unless, indeed, Westsury is weary of his infallibility, as TrrHonvs was weary of his youth, and, having nobody else left to snub, is deter- mined to snub himself—Ricarp against BeTHELL, and BETHELL against Ricuarp—like that famous Jonn Litsurne of Cromwsg11’s time, of | whom his friend Stk Henry Martin said, that “if there were none | pie 4 but he, JouN would be against Lizpurne, and LinBURNE against | OHN.” INTERESTING INFORMATION. (From the “ Hanwell Mercury.”’) Two pounds of Cambridge sausages at Oxford were yesterday ad- | mitted ad eundem. ae OE | The planet Venus, now so conspicuous an object in the heavens, has | ut forth a tail. This phenomenon may account for the fact that the | oon has been making faces. : i Three blind mice were couched for cataract at the Ophthalmic ' Hospital to-morrow. mas Lg . The Porg has sent a Syllabub of Errors, with his apostalical bene- diction, to Tom Tuums. Police! | Wuar tune would a person whistle who had been stealing milk? | “ Robin Adair,” eh? (Robbin’ a dairy !! !) Printed by William B; Whitefriars, City ot ot Londen —Satuapar, March 4, 1965, , of No. 13, Upver Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the Conn’ ‘inters, at their Uffice in Lombacd Street, im the Precinct of Whitefriara, City of London,and Published by them at No. 85, Fiset Street, in the P: ity of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie Soest, be Se pees. S al . Bride,

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- +. Marca 11, 1865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AN INCURABLE. Mamma, “ ALGERNON, YOU GREAT SILLY Goosz, I aM ASHAMED OF you! To GET INTO SUCH A STATE ABOUT THAT ODIOUS LITTLE Miss Griaas! DROPPING HER H’s aLL OVER THE ROOM!” WHY, SHE Was Algernon. “Was sux? I onty wise I’p KNowN IT; I’D HAVE PICKED EM UP— AND REPT ’EM !” TOM KING, ONCE PUGILIST, NOW SCULLER. Once in a well-roped twelve-foot ring Tom Kine displayed his mug, But times are changed, and bold Tom Kixe Is now a bold “Tom Tug.” Among the heavy weights no more His one-two he’ll de iver ; King of the Ring no more, he hopes To shine King of the River.; He knows no counter but his skiff’s, And sudden fal gro Instead of ieulien’ others? oulis Now feathers but his own. So long as in a wager-boat \There’s still room for a spar, He that would match with him will catch A Tartar in this Tar. His right and left will still keep stroke, Howe’er his combats fought are, And fame that’s o’er upon the shore Awaits his oar on water. The Faith as it is in Westbury. A VENERABLE Bishop was complaining bitterly the other day that Ecclesiastical Causes should come under the cogni- sance of the Lorp CuanceLLoR—“ a person of no serious or settled belief, and extremely lax, he believed, even in attendance on public worship.” “Oh, no,” said Sam Oxon, “ The Lorp Cuancettor S Vay regular worshipper, and his Church is Little t e ” THE AMERICAN FLAG RE-QUARTERED, Waetuer the South be ised or not, as a conse- quence of the War, it is clear that the Negro will. When the Stars shine again, the Stripes will have disappeared. PREFACE FOR A GramMar.—Accidence will happen in the best-regulated Syntax. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. . f ots) = - ** Circseis nata forent, an Lucrinum ad saxum, Rutupinove edita fundo Ostrea, callebat primo deprendere morsu.” onpaYy, February 27. As at a good dinner, we began with Oys- ters, but it was only to hear from Lorp GranvILLE that Go-| N’ vernment does not intend to legislate for the Bivalves. Of course, if the oysters are unconcerned upon the subject of reform, it would not bestates- manlike to agitate them. We repose some confidence in the President of the Council in this mat- ter, as he has a repu- tation for knowing— as agentleman should know—what consti- tutes an artistic ban- quet, and we have not the slightest doubt in the world is a match for our friend Juve- NAL’s oysterish epi- cure :— Most ladies can read Latin, but for the railway interest, — bishops, and fast young men, we will para- Pp o°— You may blindfold his eyes, put the fish on his tongue, And he ’Il tell Yo the where from spat it has sprung. The fat little Native, of oysterdom Queen, The oyster that Paris adores for its green, ay, try with American fish that sedate man, He'll say,“ They sent this who have sent us Miss BATEMAN.” Transportation was mentioned, and the Government using courteous terms towards the Australians, renew its assurance that in three years the system should entirely cease. The delay was caused by the want of prison accom- modation. This want is caused by our ridiculous system of fillmg up our prisons with lodgers who could be much more easily disposed of. If, instead of offering an ordi- nary culprit hotel accommodation for six months, you gave him a mild flogging, and discharged him, you would have plenty of room for criminals of a worse caste, and also: for children whom you might reform, instead of leaving them to a Pariah life, while the prig and the wife-beater are in comfortable lodgings, with cocoa, chops, chaplains, and Gé/ Blas. Moreover, his skin being the only thing he respects the chances are that you would not see him again, instead of, as at present, being favoured with his patronage every season. ‘ of Gil Blas, Str Georcz Grey explained that in the prison where that work was perused by the scoundrel whom the mad doctors served so efficiently, that class of reading would not be allowed in future. Accident revealed the indulgence, and we dare say that until other accidents occur, chaplains’ pets will enjoy similar recreations in many of Her Majesty’s gaols. Vou. XLVIITI.

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96 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Maron 11, 1865.

The debate on the condition of Ireland was resumed. Mr. Rozsuck was severe on the “ mendicant whine of the Irish,” and was very con- temptuous about their plebeian priests, whose vulgar ignorance and | bigoted prejudice he considered as the roots of Irish evil. There is no doubt that a low and uneducated cl is a curse to any country. But Lorp Patmerston, who closed the debate (there were two or three 8 between) thought that the natural features of Ireland much to = with ne og iS rosperity. ‘ ye" omer — hee rly a pasture, country, while her peasantry clung to patches o land, which they insisted on cultivating. The taference is, that until we can make her a manufacturing nation—the priests will hinder this, if they can—the Irish must emigrate. The Premrer offered a Com- i likes. the flourish of a division, and had mittee, but Y , 31 to 107 against him. The English of this Irish debate is, that certain of the leading Tories meant, with the expected aid of the Hibernians to give the Government a fall, but the Sunday cooled divers heads, an some of the most respected Conservatives re to come up to the scratch. So there was sulk in the camp, and the end was that Mr. DisRakut took no in a large debate which called up the crack Minis- terialists. Do the Parliament men think that the great Punch does not see all their little es? In proof that he does, he hereby liga, u this business with his Magnesium Wire, even as Piozzi Smyta has j done unto the interior of the Pyramid. debate in the Commons. The world is aware) Tuesday. A that rw is as as to the proposed method of treating our sewage. The fact is, that we have o1 nes ee. 2 tna ea, ertilising than a baby knows how to use a bundle of bank-notes. A hybrid Com- mittee has been appointed to consider the subject, half the members chosen by the House, and half by the Committee of Selection. Then we had an Education debate, led by Sin Jonw PaxrneTon, treasure, to be recently discovered that what |, . But we know as yet no more how to turn it to account|;

who desired a i The opponents of the present system declare that it helps only those who can hel nothing for the helpless. Its authors defend it strenuously. But why should Punch take any notice of such a trumpery matter as the Educa- tion of the Poor ? Commons were not inclined to condescend to such trifles—the House was nearly counted out in the middle of the discussion, and when a division was called for, there were 18 on one side and 68 on the other, nothing like a House in fact, and so we journed. Wednesday. Pore Grecory THE GREAT having introduced the Ganekling of Ashes on the first day of Lent, and that day being called ies Cinerum, or at the r Ash-Wednesday, the name is retained, althoug Reformation we abolished the sprinkling as a “vain show,” and also as very uncomfortable when the ashes were sprinkled on the head, and got ' down between the medieval shirts and the respected backs of our ancestors; and therefore the House of Commons did not meet until two o’clock, instead of twelve to-day. Sr Frrzroy Ketty moved the Second Reading of his Bill for Improving the Law of Evidence. The intense wisdom of our present system was admirably illustrated on the very next day, when an Italian, who was civilly dead, being under sentence of death for murder, was examined as a witness, and allowed to prove the guilt of another person, though he, the witness, had been | forbidden to speak on his own trial, and therefore had been deprived of , the sey: of showing his innocence. « He would assuredly have been hanged if the spirit of Mz. Nzererrt, the eminent thermometer- | and-every-other-ometer maker, had not ascended to “ spirits boil,” and | sent him flying to Birmingham to catch the real stabber, and compel | him to repent and confess—a fact which we register for all time, to the honour of Mz. Necrettt. The ArroRNEY-GENERAL clings to the old | system, and means to oppose Sie Firzroy. For once we have the| honour of ing with Scuuty, who remarked that Ministers might be better law-reformers if they had the advantage of the leisure enjoyed by the Opposition. . Currrorp—what puts the words Stat nominis Umbra into our head? unless it be that we have just lost a beautiful umbrella with our name on it, from our stand—pushed on his Bill for doing away with fines for not going to church. We trust it will pass, but would ask Mk. Currrorp to introduce a clause for also doing away with the fines for going there. They are called fees to pew-openers. Because one has not always got a | shilling handy for pew-opener or box-keeper. Moreover, something should be done to restrain those pertinacious the parsons, from having more than ten Collections in one month. Here is an account of what we have paid in that way since the first ultimo :— . 1. For Converting Jews Pe ‘ é : P : é e's For ditto Hottentots . R ° ‘ ‘ k é ‘ere 8. For ditto Irish . R % ‘ . For ditto Spitalfielders : . For an B Preacher . ° : : : ; . For the British and Foreign Anti-Colenso Society . . . For the Society for the Propagation of Missionaries . ‘4 . For a Church in some Scotch island—Muck, we think . . ip themselves, and does |

~ Onn ohare” mn AROCAROSwWH o . For some Clerical charity—we could not catch what, the preacher mumbled so : 5 $ j : ‘ "

10. For Schools in Tipperary . ° A P ° ° rie 1 11. For a new Hymn Book (not nearly so good as the ATTORNEY- GENERAL’s) . : 2 ” < A . - A - & 2 12. The regular Collection . ‘ * . . 0, oe 0 6 This is our own experience, and scores of eammapentionts who beg us to intercede with the Clergy to let them alone will probably now let us alone, as we have brought the case under the notiee of the Legislature. But now, here is another financial grievance. ALDERMAN SALOMONS wants to open all the Bridges free, and levy a general rate upon the Metropolis to pay the cost of such enfranchisement. This, while the City levies a vast tax, and pockets most of the money, vid the Corpo- ration. Let the City buy up the bridges. Thursday. Notice in both Houses that we are to have a grand Museum " a ed a Curators are us. We fully See a castenght m. tion, and to behold it flying out of the window into in fact, when we go to i we always run up as mA pamible, lest we should get am or a croco- dile on e should, not blame these ‘we mean r ‘course—if they made short work with the dusty old Zoological lumber. Why is it not got ridof? Who wants to stuffed giraffe in the who ones walking abou pounds under that sum. The Government answer was brilliantly unsatisfactory. . Punch is not a sentimentalist, but he must be allowed to say that he thinks there ought to be some difference made in the prison treatment of persons who are only charged with offences and those who are con- victed. Sr Gzorce Grey does not, and was good enough to “ bope that he had made it clear the other night that persons under remand, ms only charged with an offence, were not subjected to Rardshi s and privations than those actually convicted! ” y! Well, that is something to know. This part of our prison system must be overhauled. Any innocent n may, by the machinations of a scoundrel and the obtusity of a decease deapneially one who has a fatal facility of belief in police narratives), be sent to prison, but until tried, he ought not to be treated as a felon is rightfully treated. It is scandalous that one has to enunciate such a platitude in these days when a Judge is so careful of the interests of a self-condemne stabber as to force Counsel on him to rebut the man’s own confession. The Colonial Secretary brought in a Bill for enabling the Colonies to defend themselves at sea, entirely at their own expense, Punch is economical to a fault, but can see no objection to this. Friday. Eix-Chancellor Lory St. Leonarps did not think that the | County Court Judges were fit to administer Equity, and he believed | icle. i that they would sell the poor man a bad Ex.dittoes Lorps CranwortH and CHELMsrorD partly approved of the new scheme. Actual Chancellor Lorn Wesrsury said that there was no choice in the matter, we must have those Judges or none, He believed them perfectly qualified, and added that if they had any superfluous Modesty he should advise them to get rid of it. The Bill was read a Second Time. The Commons had a Popish debate. Mr. Newpseats made an awfully long-speech on the wickedness of convents and of those who dwell therein, and demanded a Committee. HENNESSY contended that the existing law sufficed to deal with proved wrongs. Mm. Ngate thought that the Catholics themselves required protection from their priests. The House, having then had enough of the serious business, shouted and roared for WHALLEY, also shouted and roared at his Protestant oration, especially when, alluding to the case of one Exiza Ryay, said to have been abducted, he declared that if the QuEEN herself wanted to know where that person was, Her Masgsty could get no answer. Imagine the QuEEN asking, “ Where’s Exiza?” Sim Grorce Grey thought that no case had been made out, and that law was of no use when people were led away by religious impressions. Mr. Scunty went into a rage, and then the House went to division, when Mr. NewpeGate was defeated by 106 to 79. Nevertheless, gentlemen Oratorians, if- g

te oe hee Oe Oo Ct it ee OM Od td

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Maron 11, 1865.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. BURGLARIOUS JIM. BY OUR OWN BROWNING. GAS COMPANIES, BEWARE. ‘THERE is good news from Terre The Great Pyramid has been lit up with the Magnesium flame. This is no “allegory from the banks of the Nile,” but a fact which Mx. Prozzt Smyrtu publishes, and Mr. Punch triumphantly blazes abroad. The next mail will probably announce that Memnon was vocal all = when the rays fell on his aged lips, that the Sphinx has been serenaded by wire-light, and the Cataracts of the Nile illuminated by the same brilliant agency. Chairmen, Directors, Shareholders of Gas Companies tremble for your supremacy, look to your despotism! Cash your dividends, clutch your bonuses, get rid of your shares! Escape from your bad gas, your dear gas, = Sam, is nearer than the most benighted consumer ever of. These slight metallic filaments may strand you, cut_you off from the use of the globes, and drive you mto the shade. Before long, your meter will not be the common meter it is now; your piping times are coming to a close; the main chance you have so well looked after is in danger ! A word of advice. Be abundant, be brilliant, be cheap, and you may yet save yourselves from “all this coil,” and hear no more of these cutting retorts; yet keep your feet (but at a considerable reduc- tion per thousand). termine that you will be no longer in such bad odour; set to work with all your might and main to satisfy our i) uitable demands, and fmake our houses light-houses, and your ranches ” shall still flourish, your “standards” never be lowered. A word of warning. Persevere in your dimness and dearness, and every consumer amongst us will join a great Magnesium rtbdon con- spiracy, and gas become an exploded antiquity, as curious as a carriage and four, as strange as a stage coach. Don’t gasconade, don’t get into a a but'be wise, be enlightened, or you may have to swallow a dose of magnesium that will disorder you for many am annual meeting to come, and possibly, completely ruin your constitution. Lampeter, March 1. For the Nursery. Were must little boys who put their fingers in their mouths expect to go to? Why, Gnaw-thumb-erland, you bad child. burglarious J “ What do I care for i Sipe or him? Much too fine for | in tow, aes tietnige tom: Away in his safe his gold he stows, Away to his willa his Shopship goes. “* Bless his eyes,” says burglarious Jim, “ What do I care for his safe, or him?” It’s Sunday morning, O, jangle bells, Calling to Church the pious swells : The parson stands in his Humbox high, Abusing Jr and his friends hard by. “ Bless his eyes,” says burglarious Jim, “ What do I care for his sermon or him 7?” A jolly big hole in his Shopship’s wall, In goes Jim, with his pals and all : Now for a wrench, with the strength of four, At Somebody’s Patent Impossible Door. * Bless his eyes,” says burglarious J1™, “* What do I care for his patent or him.’ Door, or side, or something to smash— Now for watches and jewels and cash. And now for a wash, and a tranquil meal, Hark—the clink of the iron heel! * Bless his eyes,’ says burglarious Jim, ** What do I care for his boots, or him?” Home, and rich—and we’ll lurk a bit : Thieves fall out, and a thief has split. A gang’s in quod, and there comes a day When my Lord the Judge has a word to say. “* Bless his eyes,” says burglarious Jia, ** What do I care for his wig or him ?” A chaplain whines to his softening pets, Very soft sawder that chaplain gets, Very sweet hymns the convict sings, Very quick Ticket his piety brings— ** Bless his eyes, says burglarious J1™, “ What do I care for his hymus or him?” Out on Ticket of Leave he stalks, Tries garotte, to amuse his walks : Trapped again, and again he sings ; In tune with a scourge that whistles and stings. “ You’ve opened my eyes,” says persuaded J aMeEs, * I'll take the hint, and I’lt stop my games.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON - 2 [Mancx 11, 1865. CHARIVART. ISS a BS LP ee | / y THOUGHT—— Smithers. TO MY ’AVING MY MgaLs HELSEWHERE !” A DELICATE CREATURE. Mistress (on her Return froma Visit). ‘‘I pox’t UnprrstanpD, Surrnens, THis Datty Irzm or Five Sarimiiu¢s ron Dixwzrs. I “Writ, Mum, tae Lower Suvvants was sO ADDICTED To Pork, Mum, I re’tuy—I THOUGHT you WoULDN’r OBJECK . CHSAR AND HIS CRITICS. Even as the mighty Jutus stood With secret daggers round, Drawn, when his mighty:back he showed, Hid, when he turned and frowned. So the Imperial scribe is seen Of Ca:sax and his fall, : Girt round, with pens, as poniards keen, Filled less with ink than gall. Eager—though safe from Juxtvs’ fate, Their Gallic Czsar feel— Upon his book to wreak their hate, And stab it with their steel. And he that from their wielders’ fists ' Had struck the pens of France, Dares in the literary lists With them to break a lance! Henceforth be Krxciaxe’s sneer withdrawn; NAPOLEON ne’er did quail, Before the muskets of Beahene, Or Piedmont’s leaden hail. His courage is of niger flight Than soldiers need or know, Who thus has dared a book to write With France’s wit his foe! WEattHY AND Wist.—It’s as easy as A BC to be rich and make a good use of your riches. Witness Miss Anceta Burpetr Courts. THE KING OF PRUSSIA CRYING. Some people have been too hard upon the Kixe or Prussia. They have represented his Prussian Majesty as being, in reward for the exploits of his army in Denmark, decorated with the Order of the ows. page * ag Holstein have been likened by them to the watch and chain of Mr. Brices, and they have pointed out an incom- = analogy between Kine Wiilam ULLER. Were there, owever, a European Central Criminal Court, before which princes and statesmen, the authors of unjust wars, could be arraigned for their crimes, and were the Sovereign who slew the Danes and took pos- session of the Duchies] tried by that tribunal for robbery and worse, there is good reason to hope that he would be acquitted of those charges. According to the Prussian correspondent of the Zimes :— ** A most affecting scene occurred the other day in a Berlin military Le gen In going the round of the wards, the Kino nou a man who had lost both his arms and legs. The Kine inquired if there was anyt he could do for him. The human torso, a victim of the late cam . ‘Your Majesty, have mo shot.’! Deeply. affected, the Kine replied that he could not possibly fulfil this unchristian wish. Upon this, the unfortunate man, fiying into a passion, cursed the doctors that had kept him alive. The Kine turned away crying. Poor old man! After all, the Kine or Prussra has a soft heart; there is no denying that: but it is evidently accompanied by as soft a brain. He could weep at the sad s le exhibited by a “human torso, a victim of the late campaign,” which he himself had ordered, out of ambition, and to pacify discontent. When he came to see a single example of the consequences of what he had done by waging a war of aggression, he was moved to tears. The sight of one poor wretch, his instrument in the work of slaughter and spoliation, who, in doing that work, had been deprived of all his limbs, and now to be shot out of his misery, e his Majesty cry. He was unprepared to behold such results of warfare as those presented by that truncated object. He had never forethought the effects of rifle and cannon shot on human shins and thigh and arm bones. Being at last confronted

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Marcn 11, 1865. NULLUS AUT CAESAR. Louis (4" Ambitious Boy), “AH HA! MON AMI! I SALL MAKE ’IM'SO BIG AS YOU!”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARITVARI. es [Manon 11, 1865. A DELICATE CREATURE. Mistress (on her Return from a Visit). ‘‘I pon’t Unprrstanp, Suirgers, TH1s Datty Irem or Five Saiiimcs ror Dowezrs. I THOUGHT——” Smithers, “Writ, Mum, taE Lower Suvvants was sO ADDICTED To Pork, Mum, I re’~tity—I THOUGHT you WoULDN’r OBJEcK TO MY ’AVING MY MgaLs HELSEWHERE !” CASAR AND HIS CRITICS. Even as the mighty. Jutus stood With secret daggers round, Drawn, when his mighty.back he showed, Hid, when he turned and frowned. So the Imperial scribe is seen Of Casaz and his Girt round, with pens, as poniards keen, Filled less with ink than gall. Eager—though safe from Juxtvs’ fate, Their Gallic Csar feel— Upon his book to wreak their hate, And stab it with their steel. And he that from their wielders’ fists ' Had struck the pens of France, in the literary lists With them to break a lance ! Henceforth be Kivetake’s sneer withdrawn; NaPouEon ne’er did quail, Before the muskets of Boulogne, Or Piedmont’s leaden hail. His courage is of higher flight Than soldiers need or know, Who thus has dared a book to write With France’s wit his foe! WeattHy aNd Wisr.—It’s as easy as A BC to be rich and make a good use of your riches. Witness Miss Anceta Burpett Courts. THE KING OF PRUSSIA CRYING. Some people have been too hard upon the Kye or Prussia. They have represented Prussian Majesty as being, in reward for the exploits of his army in Denmark, decorated with the Order of the ows. peepee § gg Holstein have been likened by them to the watch and chain of Mr. Brices, and they have pointed out an incom- = analogy between Kine Wiiutam and Mouizr. Were there, owever, a Huropean Central Criminal Court, before which princes and statesmen, the authors of unjust wars, could be arraigned for their crimes, and were the Sovereign who slew the Danes and took pos- session of the Duchies} tried by that tribunal for robbery and worse, there is good reason to hope that he would be acquitted of those charges. According to the Prussian correspondent of the Zimes :— ** A most affecting scene occurred the other day in a Berlin military Len ewe In going the round of the wards, the Kino no a@ man who had lost both his arms and legs. The Kine inquired if there was anyt! he could do for him. The human torso, a victim of the late campaign, replied, ‘Your Majesty, have mo shot.’! Sane. eee the Kine replied that he could not possibly fulfil this une’ . Upon this, the unfortunate man, flying into a passion, cursed the doctors that had kept him alive. The Kine turned away crying. | Poor old man! After all, the Kine or Prussia has a soft heart; | there is no denying that: but it is evidently accompanied by as soft a | brain. He could weep at the sad spectacle exhibited 4! a “human | torso, a victim of the late campaign,” which he himself had ordered, | out of ambition, and to pacify discontent. When he came to see a | single example of the consequences of what he had done by waging a | war of aggression, he was moved to tears. The sight of one poor wretch, his instrument in the work of slaughter and spoliation, who, in doing that work, had been —e of all his limbs, and now to | be shot out of his ane g e his Majesty cry. He was unprepared to behold such results of warfare as those presented by that truncated object. He had never forethought the effects of rifle and cannon shot on human shins and thigh and arm bones. Being at last confronted

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>= - ie i tei ~~ N LONN SSS MEVSNAS SS Set ST = . a = —s => s+ > SSS. > * Wt ke : 3 Ww b \\! tgs PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Marcna 11, 1865. NULLUS AUT CAESAR. Louis (4a Ambitious Boy). “AH HA! MON AMI! I SALL MAKE ’IM’SO BIG AS YOU!”

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| || Pasa SSe8Sh 825 baezesse Sage seas Sos" sai ai asda aba bee ci 25" 2282 ke. E es ss | eneee

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Marcon 11, 1865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. with a solitary instance ¥ them, he foned ped aay c vying. Could it pos- sibly have oceurred to him that the unhappy soldier, who implored death, and “ cursed the doskens that had kept him alive’ was a mere and woe created by the King who surely his tears would have drowned the wind. Kine or Prussia cried on beholding an individual | last Deep mutilation incurred in battle, conclusively shows that when he did not know what he was about. It bespeaks imagination and reflective roe to have a man The conscience which ejected the petition. to be ea om t of pain as “ unchristian,” would, in conjunction with J of reason, have felt that the employment of guns and rifled oanen > ive war, to the infliction of the direst i injury on tudes, would be jong to a sense gave the Kine - Tevet 8 sae ing thoi to a death of agony or a life of ho tang brought to trial the atrocities which at his bidding were trated on Denmark, the verdict of an un a a enough be Not Guilty, |'t = ty guna othe SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. (Specially reported for the Drawing-Room.) THE RING. Tus Match between the Pet and the Dee a eicaat 9 aialed account was given by usa short time ago), which was interrupted the-authorities from the Home Office, was resumed the other day, ana, | tate after a gallant straggle, terminated 0 far satisfactorily as it is possible for such encounters to terminate. It was very difficult to atrange such a safe place of meeting as should at once baffle the myrmidons of a maternal government and be mode- Semel Tecan theme This was admirably the that wep Salage rh deena oes 2 ie cote a "> whose hands t it was agreed on all aL, meeting it had been whispered that the Pet wished to be if the fight was Tor all ur or five jo sports oe gentlemen (11 o’clock at St. calm undaunted: the white ; the Deep’un’s-variegated. Ss ere of the provinces for Before the “off” with the Deep’un, and wanted to make a Match with Ensren | DOwers Gunes (the Wacant Wallflower), but there was no truth whatever in report. The Alhambra Court in the C: Palace was the place fixed on by the a ae for the Pet. The Deep’un was attended by Carranr S1ieo, of the Enniskillens.. The Deep’un was first to arrive. The Pet was some d time. On Fenny up to the seratch, both combatants advanced to meet, one another, Deep’un e first to put out his hand, which was immediately taken ag the Pet, et Sperag sone par shaken. The Cousin and Bos Streo, after whispe' some advice in the ears “ their protégés, then retired, ond a the pair e business slight hesitation of manner, os whe we Can now mat the Deep’un’s co mpressed i steady gaze ot undervalue the difficulty of t roo before him. walked round, eyeing one another anxiously. 7 ive, cnt ey, bl hg mi] this she oo aeeet, Pet 3 hingiy, ut, in do she e a slip, and’ was almost out of time by a. dizeat blow in the ge of the heart. 2. The Pet, on recovering, tried to look as if she did not care very much for her peraiss. But before she ahs where she was ‘et was catching it heavily. Pet put in her right—to be heard, ‘but was gentl Prices First tear for the Deep’un. Round Ae Court.) Pet’s eyes and nose bore evident marks of the Deep’un’s Steet. Some desultory and random hitting on both an One or two sharp exchanges, Round 4. Nineveh Court.) Pet keeping well away, and timing the Pun. \The Deep’un made ‘a desperate attempt to close. Pet shook her a and got awa’ ane. mds 5, Desiriuen Deep’un advanced, but could o snot at to yok ee oa the cheek, but w 8 . 2 y losing mre on. bona sides. Deep’un now appeared to pluck up, and got closer and closer. The Pet evidently anticipating the next move, guarded her face. This, however, did not a-eail her. The Deep’un iv in cleverly underneath the , and planted one on the cherries. vee penmnuely returned by the Pet on the Deep’un’s left whisker- being a glutton of punishment, ap d anxious for a pos The Deep’un had evidently held imself back for this moment, He suddenly delivered one powerful one, which she caught in her ear. Pet se softly, but traly, then fainted, was rant, but was paprey re and then went down on a seat. ( This was the to answer w THE COUSIN: AND THE MATCHER. between The one with her heavily on went in at the Cousin heavily for 0 Ge eal dancin tardly This 20 min. 15 sec. taxed the Cousin’s fibbed — pr be expected evincing an amount her, and sie heving apparently had a He of it, refused THE COMMONS TO THE RESOUE! ‘Streatham ! Wandsworth Riss Barnes At Wimbledon’s loud summons ! We can’t afford to let a Lord Play tailor to our Commons. The coat I’d save that Nature gave, Though com torn and tattered. The wo worse gold -lace frayed off its face, 'S green velvet battered. That coat though rough I would not doff, Tn spite of men, Toshow m my skirts cut off, In what is a Spencer, — Folks by their Right a rise, ~ a ome not call oo Christians. that Jews will not cease to be Jews, we are bound to say that in this protest they stand up for consistency. ONE FOR THE EMPEROR. (Quotation from a certain Shakspearian Play, Act i. Scene 2.) * Who is it in the Press ?”—Julius Cesar. A GENUINE SUCCESS. Faces in the Fire. Those of H.R.H. the Parncz or Waxes, the Duxe oF og egg and Lorp Richarp Grosvenok, at the conflagration of Savile House. Te Gas Companies’ Lawyer.—Coxz. es

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epee 7 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Maron 11, 1865. m1 ON Sess : : ee | } \ \\\ \ ) \ AY \\ “AS CLEAR AS MUD.” Trish Waiter. “ Aw’ WILL YER’ ANNER HAVE AN INSIDE Kyar Or aN Ovtsrpz Kyar?” Saxon. “On, an Ootsmpz Car, OF couRsSE; I DON’T WANT A I CoverED ConvErance; I wANT TO SEB THE COUNTRY.” Trish Waiter. “OH, SHURE, NAYTHER OF ’EM’S COVERED.” (Closing door and a@ luminous explanation.) “It’s THIS way, IT 18, Sm. THEY caLL KyarRs BEKASE THE WHEELS 18 OUTSIDE, AN’ THEY CALL ’EM OUTSIDE preparing Sor =M INSIDE Kyars BY RasSON THE WHEELS 18 InsIDE! !” STATISTICS OF POPULATION. _ ... My Son Tom and! myself occasio: talk over scientific matters after dinner. It’s what can be done over some fine old Port. Tom wrote the following Paper from my dictation. Three bottles of dry, yet full-in- the-mouth, liquor, brings my son Tom out to advantage. As the Paper was sealed up and directed overnight (I suppose Tom did this, for 1 don’t recollect it), I have not undone it to see whether it wanted any corrections or alter- ations this morning. I remain, Sir, yours, ever in the cause of science, MaitHew Moupp1z. N.B. The Compositor had ¢ difficulty in devighating the enclosed letter. It was blotted in several places wit a liquid, that both in colour and smell bore a strong resem- ance to Port wine. The commencement was in a pretty fair hand, but as the letter progressed, the writer appa- rently lost himself in the subject. The heading was written up in a corner, and was evidently an after-thought :— STISICS O POPSHUN. There ’s a mean population in Ireland. 257 mean _e lations in 184] square miles. Pass the bottle. The Fresh popltion—no stop—the French poplation is below the Irish stannard. I don’t mind if Ido have nother, buzzit. There are sixy-two apartments of France below the soil. I take the lowest figure and throw him in. It’s corked: try nother. 53,975,0000 of Fresh poplshon live in a reduced aria. Pass the Pyrymids, no the Pyrenees, and pass the Borel, not corknow into $ and other advances. Only 80 people in Spain. Popshun of Ilind blow the Danube. Curous fac. that, yours tudaly, my dear boy, nofished, no finished yet. Russians Popshun 32 black moles in ekseshional cond- shon. Shant write nymore see Guvnor bowd first. Dear- boy bed. No more stisics. Curousfacs vercurous facs no gellymally known. Gooight ol flow. I signself, Tom MuppLe. A Historical Parallel. Some people object to the parallel which the Imperial author of the Life of Junius evidently intends to draw between biographer and subject. The likeness will be more Sunly seen, if the name ,be written —as it should be— EIZER.” HOW NICE IN HIM. We seldom notice criticism, but as, like Bacon, we hold Everything to be in our department (including breakfast bacon), we are never debarred, by precedents of our own making, from saying just what we like. And just now we like to say how much we are pleased with recent demonstrations on the _of the Musical Critic of the Atheneum, That he is utterly devoid of the crotchets and the spite- fulness so frequently observable in critics whose range of subject is limited, and whose reverence for it is fanatical, everybody knows, but for the warm-hearted and nage tributes which he has paid in circumstances which would have dictated smaller conduct to a smaller man, the majority of readers of the Atheneum may not have been prepared. The greatest pianist of the day, Miss AnaBeLLA GoppaRD, whom we must also call by her rightful name, Mrs. Davison, for the fuller elucidation of matters, has lately added to her renown by some magnificent performances of a composition by DussEx, called L’ Invocation, and she has so marvellously well expounded a difficult masterpiece, that it has been demanded og and again at_the Popular Concerts. The dé: writer not only felt a true artist’s admira- tion of a true artist’s performance, but a yen! regard for a fellow-labourer, and as the lady’s husband, who is the leading musical critic of London, was debarred by good taste from giving much more than a simple record of his wife’s success, the hebdomadal reviewer has demonstrated at once his sense of justice and his feeling of ae? | and has published the frankest and the warmest homage to . Davison’s genius. He has attended all her performances of L’ Invocation, listened with profound attention, and remained until the last applause ceased, so that when he came to write on the subject he spoke glowingly of what he had heard inate. in, in the case of the Manager of Her Majesty’s Theatre, who has not been so successful as his varied efforts to amuse the public deserved, the Atheneum critic has been as kind, if not as warm. He has pointed out defects and errors, but in a candid spirit, and at the close of the season, instead of exulting in the fulfilment of unfavourable a ae and bestowing a parting sneer upon a gentleman who has not een fortunate, he has credited him with his energy and spirit, and with his abstaining from availing himself of his position in order to come before the public, and has bid him cheer up and hope for better luck next time. He has also proclaimed, and we are only too happy to follow his lead, that the popular: favourite, Mr. W, peeties.s will take his benefit at Her Majesty’s on Thursday, the 16th of March, when he ought to_be exceedingly well befriended by the lovers of English music and English honesty. Fair Play for the Davenports. Tue Davenport Brothers “ die hard,” and Patmer and Fay, their touters, are not to be silenced by failure and exposure. PaLMER now de- mands a “jury of twelve” to decide upon the merits of the Brothers ; and considering the blasphemous assertions of the mountebanks—amongst others, that of being “ released from their bonds” by a spirit—we t PaLMER’s request ought to be granted, and a “jury of twelve” sum- moned to try the gang for receiving money under false pretences. NOTICE BY THE SPEAKER. Tue gentleman who dropped his voice may hear of it again by applying to any of the doorkeepers of the House of Commons. FF © eve 8 hed ie ye eS pain where there are cops crops | vercurous fac, not genelmanly known. Pass bol. Iremain, |

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| Maro 11, 1865.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 103 j\— THE KING OF THE LUMBAGEES. The old Sal! Benny's father, begins his rela- tion to Masrer Jacn, his grand- son. Early domestic troubles, His flight. He appeases Master Jacky's impatience. Geographical information, | | Type of race. ' | Distinguished | Passenger | | His charitable object. Protracted Passage. Fearful situa- tion. No grog. No prog. Poor relief! Dark hint, BY BENNY THE-BO’SEN. I’ sing you a song o’ my father, Who was bo’sen aboard the King Arthur, Which wessel went sailing out rather on all Her Majesty’s seas ; I think I now see him as he’s Ce J to my boy Jack on his knees— ** We sailed all about the horizon, Seeing sights as was awful surprisin’ ;” This yarn spun my father to my son Of the King of the Lumbagees. “ When I was a young ’un at Spithead I met Kirry Kicxsy as fit My taste: I was much to be pitied, As she turned out a regular tease. She was always a raising a breeze; When my tail she would angrily seize. I got a berth on the King Arthur, along of my knowin’ a tar there, And sailed, leaving your grandmamma there ; And now for the Lum ! “ The wessel was bound for Lumbago, Which is somewhere not far from Podargo, We took out a curious cargo To land on the furriner’s keys. Now this here Lumbago be ’s An isle in the Southern Seas ; The native’s a sort o’ confusion *Twixt Afriean, Chinese, and Rooshian, The chief city’s. name is Mashushan, And the people are Lumbagees. “On board there was a Missionairy, Who spoke the brogue of Tipperary, And he ’d preached to the blacks in the prairie — he’d —— 4 a Colleges. ‘or promoting of life’s decencies He -took out some little eoatees. In flannel he ’d.some of the best. kits ingummyfigs and warm westkits e took with some grog and shiip’s biscuits For the good of the Lumbagees. ‘* We sailed for a year and a quarter, We hadn’t a drop of cold water, And only one bottle of porter— Such accidents happen as these— We'd killed all the ducks and the geese, Our bread was as dry as our cheese, We couldn’t ha’ held out much longer If we hadn’t cot a fine conger, Or we should ha’ done something wronger Than a cussin’ the Lumbagees, “ We were talking of eating the skipper With winager, mustard, ead pipoet, When a cheer from the mizen cries ‘ Hip-hur- -ray! for the tops o’ trees ! ’ | ae woice was t aS Missionairee’s, was working his compassees. BA m a e Almost in a state 0” datastes ss Twas the-state of the Lumbagees, “ We landed: the ning with an escort Came down, and a white flannel westcoat him; and this as his best coat ill his royal ; hineese. With a liking green and black teas ; And while he was being converted With all the Princesses I flirted, ty manners diverted The ul Lumbagees. we bold Missionairy did in talking the Lambagee lingo, yt ey ve up Sorshipping Jingo the ee , i we en | to dish ish up, made him fish up him Archbishop They bow’d and they scraped in a bevy, Which = did “2 day at a levy; The work done by Pom A *s heavy At the Court of the Lumbagees. “ T reigned for two years in this fashion; Till the parleyment got in a passion, And the populace all day kept smashin’ The windows of plate glassees ; They pulled down my shiver de freeze’; As I couldn’t the beggars appease, I went to the bishop, the clerk too, We all smuggled out in the dark, to Find a ship in which we could embark, to Get away from the Lumbagees ! “ They took us aboard the’Red Rover, They gave us a to Dover, And here. I am living in clover On the bounty wot’s her Majesty’s. I wouldn’t be monarch of Greese, Nor bishop of all the high Sees— I’d sooner rub on as a lackey, I-would! Beara hand, Masrer Jaoxy, You hand down a pipe of tobaccy, And bother the Lumbagees !” Delicacy. Land. The charitable person Tip- The Primate. Pome > it sup- seal defunct. Taste. He is made King. Remarkable Fact. Riots. Abdication. Ife becomes a Pensioner. Wise conclusion. The old tle- man endé his narration in smoke.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marc 11, 1865, yf VW) YY " N) S Se. =ure fe ilTESETE Bk = b/ ive a | adh jee | Re \\’ AN ADVOCATE FOR PROGRESS. Cabby. “ Way, Sp, rt arn't 0’ NO USE STOPPING, BECAUSE THE LONGER WE STAYS, THE WORSE WE’LL Ger IT!’ REPRESENTATION AND REASON. To the Editor of Punch. Sr, Tr is not true that I was buried at the Holy City in a steel coffin suspended between two loadstones. I was taken up in a trance into the seventh heaven, and remained there until I was let down again the other day, when sgt a am got me into their power, and, for eo of their own, immured me in this place, from which the angel 7 — will shortly liberate me, and then [ shall be revenged upon In the newspapers which are allowed here, I see that Mr. Bares and others have a Bill for extending the elective franchise to six-pound h ers. Sir, I ask, why draw the line at six pounds ? Why not go the whole P Ido not say “hog,” because I hold that beast unclean. Sir, I am for universal suffrage. If the mass of six-pound house- holders have intelligence enough to vote, I want to know who has not P I am for universal , Mind you. Some advocates of a suffrage which they call univ would limit their liberality by allowing a vote only to every unconvicted person of sound mind. Setting the case of ¢ 8, who have forfeited their political rights, aside, 1 pro- test against the implied exception. . There is a man in this place who labours under the delusion that he has discovered perpe' motion. Though insane upon that one point, on all others he is perfectly rational. He is a person of vast informa- tion, and most logical reasoning faculties; and he is particularly well up in constitutional history. the single slate loose in this jman’s -furnished upper storey a disqualification for the exercise of the elective franchise so great as the ignorance and general mental deficiency of the uneducated masses? He, I am sure, would, standing at the polling-booth to vote for the man of his choice, know perfectly well what he was about. Are we as certain that even every ten-pound — would, supposing him, for the sake of argument, to be r | But do not mistake me, Sir. My voice is for the representation of .| all classes and all orders of intellect, not excepting the lowest, and inclusive even of the disordered. Derangement, Sir, is very inadequately represented in the House of Commons—only by a few Irish Members with lucid intervals, and perhaps one Englishman. No wonder that the law on the subject of lunacy is in so unsatisfactory a condition. One of the inmates of this establishment believes himself to be XANDER THE Great. I say, Sir, that, consistently maintaining the principle of inherent. representative right irrespectively of intellect, you ought to allow a vote even to that fool, who says that he is older than I am, and flourished more than nine hundred years before my flight from Mecca. Of course, Sir, you are aware that I am Hare House Asylum, March, 1865. Mauomer, The Duke’s Motto. Now who my Patron Saint shall be;? Quoth the bold Duxe or SuTHERLAND There’s Saint Sophia might do for me, But she belongs to another land. For an Englishman my voice III raise, My Patron Saint shall be Bishop Blaise. Parliamentary Waste of Time. Every one to his own opinion about the value of the Minutes of Council respecting education; but at any rate those minutes do not |, amount to such a bore as the hours on hours of empty jaw which the House of Commons is continually devoting to the inconclusive discus- sion of that tiresome subject. A THOUGHT IN THE PARK. Waar an aggravating reminder—to meet your most pressing creditor driving a pair of dun ponies. History Errromisep (by Lovis Narotzon).— Casak and Boner |, very much alike: specially Bonzy!” Printed William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of i Py City of Lon: ta of London.—Saturpar, March 11, 1865. St. dene te the County of Miadlesex, don, Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No. 8, Fleet Street, in the I’ and Frederick Mullett of No. 11, Bouverie S mt of of St@Bride, City

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Maron 18, 1865.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON) CHARIVARL 105 CuaRLiz ?” HAVE you?” SEASONABLE PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. onpay, March 6. Discussion in the Lords about new | £300. Tt Fg et INTELLIGENCE. lst Swell. “ WHat HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH YOURSELF THE LAST Two Monts, 2nd Ditto. “ LYTEWALLY, BY DEAR FELLAR, BLOWID BY DosE IDCESSADTLY; WHAT military hospitals, said to be con- structed on the “glass and glare” principle. Some tolerable jokes were exchanged on_ the subject, which showed that the Lords had not de- generated from that witty nobleman, “my Lorp Brron,” who undertook **To jesta twelvemonth in an hospital.” In the Commons to-night, and in the Lords on the next evening, came ques- tions and explana- tions on what will be known as “ the Lzonarp EpmMonps Scandal.” Ifit were not that one great name, which has ever been honoured in these pages, though its owner has also contributed in no small degree to their fun, has been mixed up with this business, Mr. Punch would make very short work of it. There is clearly a v7 rg chapter of omissions and commissions to be read. t Mr. Punch is certain that he shall please all honest e = he never desires to please any others) by for- bearing from detail or comment until Henny BrovcHam shall have been heard, and then all good men will be both grieved and astonished, should not his speech be instantly followed by a unanimous verdict of acquittal. Call the next case. The next case was that of Joun Buu v. Railway Mis- management. Mr. Bentinck, for the plaintiff, demanded that Government should have power to inquire into acci- dents, and frame seen. As for the latter desire, the fact is that regulations are framed already, and the frames are nailed up at the Stations, but officials do not observe them. Mx. Mitner Grsson utterly declined, on the part of Government, to undertake the proposed responsibility. On the whole, we incline to think that the best preventive of accidents which has yet been discovered is the old but invaluable ma- chine called the British J It frightens Directors into something like vigilance. The machine is kept in a box, and when properly Charged, it explodes with splendid effect, and is in fact a tremendous fog-signal, for intimating to mis-managers that something is wrong. And now for “ Rule Britannia.” The martial, naval, and majestic hymn having been executed, and our minds having been brought into what good Tony Lumpkin calls a “concatenation” accordingly, Lorp CLareNcE Pacet introduced the Navy Estimates. Never mind about the money—we must pay what Lorp CLARENCE asks—but let us see what we have got for the money. We have got (in addition to our Wooden Walls, in which we are not to trust) Thirty Armour-Clad Ships, most of them ready, and the rest (save one—now then, Millwall, wake up !) so forward that they can be ready to do slaughter at Christmas. We are to have, for this year, 69,750 men, 2,200 fewer than last year; but fewer men mean more officers, and therefore better-served ships, in these days of science. We are to have 7,000 boys—the same number as last y ear. We reduce the number of our Marines on shore, and we knock off 500 men from the expensive Coast Guard. Among the Thirty Tyrants of the Azure Main, we have 19 iron-plated Line-of-Battle Ships, 7 smaller ones, and 4 of great value for defensive purposes. _We are to have Four Ships of tremendous speed, which his Lordship described as “ Four Alabamas.” Absit omen. _We are to have a “really” sea-going vessel (there is a | pm a dog that word “ really”) on Captarn CowPER CoLEs’s principle. We are to have new Docks for the new set of large armour-clad Ships. All that reads pleasantly, and if we add that we are asked for £10,392,224 to pay. for these things (some 300,000 less than last year), Mr. Punch does not sét the fact down to damp satisfaction, for “* Estimates never were designed To make our pleasures less,” but because business is business as well as pleasure. A eal was said in reply to Lorp pga ven and Sin Joun Paxrneton declined to wear rose-coloure spectacles, and had a many ones to say against various ships, and against Mr. Reep, the Government designer, who, Sir Joun considered, had bewitched his employers— they, like Sylvia, rejoicing in “* Telling how, with eager speed, They flew to hear the vocal REED.” Sim J. E:puimstone accused the Government of wasting money over bad ships. We resumed the subject on Zhurs- day, and Str Morton Peto was very severe on the Govern- ment, and as to Mr. Rexp, the Baronet said that the appointment of that gentleman made him disbelieve in the UKE OF SoMERSET, but what profanity may not be ex- pected from a Dissenter, Mas. Grunpy? Sir Morton appealed to Captain SHERARD OsBoRn’s report in favour of the Royal Sovereign, which is adapted to the CowPER- Cougs plan, and is stated to be the best ship in the navy. So said Siz J. Hay, who declared that the country was not in a proper state of defence. To all these charges Lorp CLARENCE replied, complained that Members picked up gossip, quoted Apmrrat Dacres, who seems to have commanded all the ships in the world, and thought VOL. XLVITI. M

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Maron 18, 1865.

them, denied that the Admiralty had opposed Cartam Congs (we dare say gee we (Mr. Reep, and did his duty poteniis as an official. Sut. we had not half done with him. Coronel, SYKEs ped that. the French navy was scarcely more than half as. costly as ours, Siz H. Wiitovcupy went at figures, and yoo ee | tha the real reduction from last ear was only £25,000; Mr. BENTINCK 0 to all SrANSPELD made a most clear and able s — ot that it must have delighted the Cox to think that they had driven so good a man showed a thorough sea-going knowledge on the subject, and the sooner he is in place again the better. Mr. Curipers, who is in office, defended the figures convene. Sir Joun Paxrnerow remained, like the Brothers ble’s butler, “ unconvinced,” and then the pa and boys and the money to pay them were voted, GRunpy. “Rule Brrrannis, Barrannia rules the waves, Those who insult her tread upon their graves.” With a sweet smile Mr. Punch resumes his habitual bland, pacifica- tory and pacificawhig manner, and takes a flying backward leap into Tuesday. T: a gentleman took his seat for Tralee. This gentle- man Calls hinel Ta O’Doxaenve, but Te Puncn has a little story to tell him. ee. but one, Mr. Punch was sailing on a certain Lake, or Loch, in what Mr. Guapstons calls a conquered country, an which the map calls Scotland. * the boat, a magnificent Highlander — with Mr. Punch, and as they smoked the pipe of peace, ? © Jn the garb of old Gaul, with the fire of old rum,” said to the latter, pointing at a third, — person calls himself * THe Mac *#####: He is ye sen. to do so. There are but ers personages in this world pee es pay who are entitled prefix the definite article to These are THE Mae eeeeee, The Mac *#***# od the The Devil” Now, as the Irish ye in question is not Mr. Punch, nor any one of the other named,” he must excuse Mr. Punch for not ving the Article. But wise compromise is the essence, as finetouay says, of all political action, and Mr. Punch has no objection xt ee a Christian name from a very delightful story in that wamabie lication Once a Week ag apa & ae Whitefriars), by Miss ‘ioe TH and calling the gentleman THs0 DonacHuE. reg oe -< =e ao he has many, bw. pes pluck -and manners, thoug es wild mistakes, may at their liking suppose him to have been christened Tusroporz, THEOpostus, THEOPHILUS, or Tueoromeus. But not for all Ireland will Mr. Punch break the Promise w he made to that great Highlander, never to Seapets 0 whew was taken up ‘by a debate on the Malt Tax, at the arg hg Agricultural Jensmy DippLER was in- “ast ay 951 to 171, chat Mr. Guapstone had such a thing as Seven Millions about him, and ‘meant to keep it about him. lf Jeremy would ake Gent Os the cartoons of the Prophet Pusch, so much time A Bill was brought in for enabling the Government to acquire the block of houses between Parliament Street and King Street. — metropolitan eyesore is to be cured with Golden ointment. is time. Wednesday. Lonrp Rosert Mowtacv tried to carry a measure for protecting adi the Rivers d the abominations which are cast into them, and which convert our sparkling streams into foul and foetid Pras g The proposal is a noble one, but—business is business, . Bricut said (and he is a devoted fisherman, and no debilitated scoffer at out-door sports), better the fish die than the manufacturers, to whom the is necessal Sir Georce Grey, of course, resisted the measure, but many embers called on him to take up the subject, and try to do something with it. Nothing of the kind, and ultimately the Bill was withdrawn. Nevertheless the British Naiades owe their smiles to Loxp Rosert, and next time he goes into Poet’s Corner, very likely dear old MIcHAEL Drayton, who sang of all our rivers in his Polyolbion, will say that he is much ti) Meantime we say it for him. Thursday. Good ray us, Mks, Grunpy, can’t you mind what’s said to you? We told you what was done on Thursday, you inattentive old woman. “In the Lords?” Oh, ah, well, yes, in the Lords the Chancellor brought in a Bill for Abolishing Imprisonment for Debt, except. by the County Courts. A Committee was appointed to inquire into The , and Lorp Russgxt said that we were not going to interfere in a war which is being waged on the Plate, between —what does it matter? Yes, and Mr. Giapstone refused to tell Mx. Wurre whether the Surplus Cake was to be cut before or after Easter, but has told since. “ Bdgear. The Prince of Darkness is a gentleman, Mopo he’s called, and Mayuew.” King Lear, Act iii. Sc. 4. Friday. Question in the Lords about the sale of nineteen Irish barracks. Lorp MaLmessury said that they ought not to be sold for asong. Slardy pend, as the French say. me songs are worth ninety and nine Irish barracks, for instance, the composition of Dean Swirt’s (which isn’t a song, but the moral’ s the same) about an Irish barrack, and which contains an officer’s views on classical education— “ ¥dur Novips and Biurardcns and Omers and stuff, By Jove, they don’t signify this pineh of snuff.” So we are not to make bargains with our lawyers. The Lords are Bil if aeeet clients. will be; done, and rejected the Chancellor’s Vv 23 to 2 A New Zealand debate pens the sore notable because Mr Roesuck vomited flames against and declared that killing all wild beasts, of civilised man did a anes wf humani! re Eye ae — _ P geen Taplay of Chris e Ms i indignan is of oni and Cede of of the Maoris, in the spirit of true gentlemen. ry bore testimony eee to ‘the v muy of whom belared, tee ching theatres, f Mr. P R. Locks tina tou whereof Mr. Punch will have more to say when he shall have seen its provisions. If it is a Free Trade measure, and if ision is made t Music Hall abuses, it shall have the favo’ consideration of Mfr. Puxch, and he is the oldest theatrical manager in the world.

THE RUIN OF THE O re Gods and little fishes ! vompe our ‘that Finny tribe, that furnished di Which we now can taste no more, What a doleful revolution Hath befallen your domains, Bearing all the foul pollution Of our cities through our plains ! Rus in urbe is right pleasant ; wie: in cha amaliieniads the nose en its re In the turbid Paton oy flows, Mixed with floods of poisen, welling From the factory and the mine, How insufferably smellin Cast away the rod ona ine. Trout can be no longer taken In the stream whence eels have fled, barge he haleyon has forsaken, - the wagtail’s feet can tread. All Phe birds, as from Avernus, Soon from — streams will flee. Into wit = Puurvs turn us? What will poor old Bngland be ? River-gods, to swains imploring Streams pellucid, m your urns What is it that you are pouring Into rivers, brooks and b fon? Fluid that, with reek ill-scented, Loads so heavily the gales That you should be we Not as bearing urns, bat pails. In its progress to the billows Of your mixture people drink, Rank ro i flush, the fattened willows House the Naiads of the sink: And their mistress, CLoactna, Holds with you divided reign O’er what something is between a River and an open drain. With the instinet of the beaver Whilst owe money-makers toil, Do they never dream of fever, Sweeping Britain’s qowded soil ? To those spoilers if we give in, This land will be, by-and-by, Surely made un fit to live i in; Then it will be time to die. RIVERS.

TreatricaL Cririctsm.—Fecurer’s acting in Zhe Roadside Inn may be described as the devil-may-care style. EmeLoyMent FoR Women.—Matchmaking.

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Marcu 18, 1865.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. y 7] Va Vb) y / V, Yj CLA LEZ ‘ Yj Yes i), J 7 Pree : NS RAO NSSS = ae SS ae INSIDE. JONES’S STUDIO-DOOR THREE WEEKS BEFORE SENDING IN PICTURES TO THE ROYAL ACADEMY. = AN EXCUSE FOR EXETER HALL. LrBerat and Toterant Ma, Punon, : 5 You and I, and all men of decent scholarship, refined minds, enlarged views, and genteel connections, entertaining a due contempt for the greasy and half-educated middle classes, must rejoice at the defeat of | Maz. Newpecare’s motion for a Select Committee to inquire into the extensive character and increase of monastic or eonventual societies in Great Britain. Must we not, Sir? At the same time, however, we cannot but be naturally disgusted with the largeness of the minority in favour of that proposal, 79 to 106. But, Mr. Punch, there is some excuse to be made for a few if not many of the members of that minority. f course, Sir, everybody who constitutes himself a party to any measure in any way 0 to Roman Catholicism, exposes himself to be looked upon as an Exeter Hall bigot, and an ignorant and vulgar brute. The sanctity of all Roman Catholic nunneries is indisputable ; tyranny and cruelty are unknown within the walls of any of those establishments, osoever believes that there have ever occurred, or can occur any exceptions to these rules, anathema esto, and besides that, he is a fool and a Snob. No such a thing as abuse of the confessional, on the part of a Roman Catholic priest, has ever transpired ; notwith- standing that an enormous instance of it was pleaded on behalf of the defendant himself in the case of AcHittI », Newman. All this is as true as the miraculous translation of the House at Loretto, Nothing goes on in any Roman Catholic convent that would not bear the light, and edify the beholders. Nunneries might be built of glass for that matter, and then they would be crystal conservatories, through which only the flowers of sanctity would be visible, in full bloom. The thought that any nunnery can require inspection or regulation can only exist in the mind of a fanatical and prurient ass. There is no necessity whatever for the supervision exercised over monastic establishments by the State in Catholic countries. But, Mr. Punck, though all Roman Catholic nunneries can be safely presumed to be abodes of goodness and purity, there are some other establishments ofa cenobitical nature which cannot, Sir. There is an a ape or Abode of Love, which, for aught we know, may be the Abode of Humbug, and worse. The same may be said of all Protestant convents and monasteries. What is sauce for the Roman Catholic goose, unfortunately, must also be sauce for the anythingarian gander. The unconditional allowance of Roman Catholic convents you see, Sir, necessitates the like toleration of others not so immaculate. Any religious impostor might keep a seraglio and call it a convent. That consideration may have induced some of the members of Mz. Nswoe- GATE’s minority to vote for inquiry, which, we well know, could only result in the glorification of the convents of the Roman Catholics, but — be necessary for the merited exposure of the others, at present Without any, INSPECTOR. ii Bud ow to Tre tHE Tom Foor Kwnor.”—Marry.—Old Bachelor SENTIMENT AND THE STREAMS OF ENGLAND. opposing Lop Rosert Mowraev’s motion for a Bill to prevent from continuing to be poisoned and polluted with the sewage of towns and the washings of mines and chemical works, Mr. Brieur is reported by the Morming Post to have said :— “The noble Lord, he was sure, was not well acquainted with the state of things throughout the country, and had a sentimental feeling that it would be much better if all our streams ran pure water.” Sentiment is fast declining in this equntry, thanks to the influence of such men as the honourable Member from Birmingham, and others who, in or out of Parliament, represent the breeches-pocket. These estimable gentlemen are trying to make us all ashamed of sentiment by sneering, under that name, at every impulse that does not tend to the creation of material wealth. “ Perish Nice, and perish Savoy!” was an exclamation which signally evinced this sensible contempt for senti- ment.’ But the application of the derisive epithet, “‘ sentimental,” to “a feeling that it would be much better if all our streams ran pure water,” surpasses that utterance of a highly unsentimental intellect. Mr. Bricutjis made of sterner stuff than the queasy aristocrat who entertains a weak ——— for the purity of water which we drink. What does bluff Jonn Bricut care about drinking the Thames, to which the sewers of towns are tributaries? ‘“ Your liquid manure to its right use,” says Lorp Ropert Montacu; “’tis for the land.” “Pooh!” we suppose his opponent to rejoin; “ it will do as well for the cup.” If the Thames run drab as a member of the Society of | Friends, Mr. Brigut would perhaps say, “‘ What matter?” tidious views about t squeamishness. The idea of the Roman Emperor: about the inodorous- he matter is more — swallowed by aman with Mr. Brient’s unfas- | e purity of rivers, than named by one of ordinary | ness of money falls far short of the philosophical insensibility of the | representative of Birmingham to the unpleasantness of diluted sewage. To be sure, no Member of Parliament, who has sat out even one Session, and has any nose at all, can say ;Thamesis non olet. not say so, but he says, in effect, that if the Thames is offensive to sentimental people, it is Xone enough for the beverage of people who are not more nice than they need be. t mental, are apt to call those others sordid. Such dainty creatures will doubtless consider sordidness as having culminated in a strong-minded derision of a preference of streams which run pure water to streams that run turbid with the.dirt of money-making, and the abominations of towns. But when Mr. Bricur twitted Lorp R. Montacu with sentiment, it was perhaps only scent he meant. ConFIDENTIAL.—GEORGINA gives an unanswerable reason for putting as much as — into the letters she writes to the absent one in Mauritius. She says they are crossed in love. AprpeaL or THE American Necro—Am I not a Man and a Bother ? Mr. Brien does | Some, whom others call senti- | | j | } |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. [Maron 18, 1865.

Sy “ke 4 ts be om L ‘ bKp OW vo y ve ne <A ts Ze rece 2 CS SDPO OSES 1 . 2 a VAN ~— Qt \ ~~ va Wy: ban SSS es Hunting Man (who has got over without trouble.) “ OH, Now You’RE Down, SiR, WILL YOU KINDLY GIVE ME UP m¥ Warr?”

THE TORTURE OF THE TELEGRAPH. ** Another triumph for science! The Electric Wire is now laid down from Kur- rachee to London, vid Constantinople, and a message from Bombay is flashed to our Indian Minister in eight hours and a half.”—London Papers, March, 1865. Office of Siz Cuares Woon, Secretary of State for India. Sin CHARLES is discovered with a Map of India before him, and Murnar’s Handa- book to India ix his hand, Sir Charles Wood (reads). “‘ The Bombay Presidency contains ”’— stop, which side did I say Bombay was—I see—left hand side of India ; I must remember that somehow—Bombay is in Bengal—two B’s, an Madras is in the Middle—recollect two M’s—nowthen. ‘The Bombay Presidency contains ””—(a knock). Come in. Enter a Clerk. on, Sm Caries, but the Collector of Hyderabad eo to know what he is to do in the dispute with the Collector of Shikarpur. : Sir Charles, Bother them both. I’ll consider. (Zzit Clerk.) Where’s Hyderabad—I don’t see it—I believe there’s no such place— — like the Hydra, and that’s not éad, ha! ha! (4 knock.) me in. Enter a Clerk. pardon, Sz Cuartes, but there is a telegram to say that the Rajah Akalkot has attacked the other Satara Jagirdars, and you are asked to say instantly what is to be done. . Sir Charles, Say he ought to be ashamed of himself, and [ will write by the next mail. (Zit Clerk.) Confound all Rajahs, and this Akalkot particularly—I shall remember his name by A. Catucort, the painter. “The Bombay Presidency ”—(a knock). Come in. Clerk. Beg pardon, Siz Cuaruzs, but the Bhil Agent of telegraphs to complain that the settlement officer at Ratnagiri called him an old cow. Sir Charles, Extremely rude—tell him I say so, and that I hope I may never hear such an expression again. (rit Clerk.) This infernal telegraph; I wish it would snap; I wish somebody would cut it; I wish the Turks would steal it; I have no peace in =f life. But I must understand this. “There are four divisions”—why the deuce

should there be four ?—just to give me extra trouble. ‘“ Poonah com- prehends ”—(a knock). Come in. Enter a Clerk. Beg pardon, Str Cuartes, but we have a telegram from the Commandant of the Gujarat Irregular Horse, saying— Sir Charles. I won’t hear anything that is ar, and an irregular horse is my abomination. Say everyt' must be done re ly, and in conformity with the rules laid down for the service. (Zrit Clerk.) “The total area of this Presidency is one, eight, ought, seven, one, five”’—let’s see, that’s a million and seventeen—no, only six figures, and a million wants seven, GLADSTONE told me that for a fact—“ one, eight, ought ”—(a knock). Come in. Enter a Clerk. Beg pardon, Siz CHaRrzzs, but Agent in Mahabaleshwar sends a telegram to holiday to visit his grandmother in Babriawad. Sir Charles. He shan’t have one. I never get a holiday. Let him write to his grandmother, and mind his opium. ; k.) What right has he to have a grandmother, when [’m bothered like this? “The territory lying to the south of Belgaum,” that’s a misprint for Belgium, I suppose,—no, Belgium’s in Germany—“ south of um ” —(a knock), Come in. Enter a Clerk. Beg pardon, Siz CHARLEs, but you promised to telegraph this morning to Sholapur to say what the Guicowaz was to do with the jamdiddies of Jhamkandi. 7 , Sir Charles, So I did. Confound their jams and candies. Tell him to persevere ‘in the same line of policy which has been indicated in previous despatches, unless unforeseen eventualities, of which he will apprise me (by letter, mind) necessitate a re-arrangement of relations. (Exit Clerk). I'll have that telegraph stopped ; be hanged if I won’t. “The Collectorates of the Native States are”—(a knock). Come in. Enter a Clerk. Beg pardon, Sm Cuarzzs, but we have a telegram from Rutnagherry, stating that the Bohrahs of Balasinheshwar have strangled the Woppertoddy of O el— Sir Charles. Serve him right. Clerk, And that unless we instantly order a catakodas of elephants into the Ramjezzas ‘of Krishnarajaparam, the Kunjetti Anderhalli will not be answerable for the consequences. Sir Charles (in a rage.) And who asked him, her, them, it, or what- the Deputy Opium say that he wants a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Manrcu 18, 1865. \ ) ~~ s \ 7 elegram from Snpy Sr’: dhienre'’s more a tonne’ | ups Hturs Lins te } WS ~~ ~ * g@e¢ece36 39 © € 2 8 THE TORMENTED MINISTER. SIR CHARLES WOOD BELIEVES THAT IT IS QUITE POSSIBLE TO HAVE TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING.

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Maron 18, 1865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVARI.

ever he is, to be answerable? Iam the Minister for India, and I am answerable for everything. Send him word to go to blazes, or w ever is equivalent to that in the religion of Juggernaut, or whatever other + pate Ha creed he holds. And I’ll have no more message , mind that. (Heit Clerk.) It’s enough to make a man tear his hair and throw (4s he resumes MURRAY, scene closes.) A NEW BALLAD OF SIR JOHN BARLEYCORN. Showing how certain sely Knights of the Shire would have had Sire Joun lead their raid on the Treasurie, and how Sim Jomy said them nay. ?T1s of Sm Jonn THE BaRLEYCORN, That stalwart English knight, oe the gamesome PALMERSTONE e must lead the fight. To him there drew brave BaRTELOTT, And that stout squire, Ducane, That on a managed Essex calf Came pricking o’er the plain. And Sm Frrznoy Kezuty, good at speech, And eke stout hand in stour ; And Henzer out of Oxfordshire, And Monrurrr of Rokeby Tower. \ “ Now, up and ride, Jonw Bantxycor», Our leader thou mote be; Weare boune for an onslaught on Patmenrsrons, And a raid on the Treasurie. * And a doughty Captain there lacketh us, A flag, eae |B toe For Protection ’s dead, and the Chureh nigh sped, And Election time draws nigh. * So put th me upon thy head, pd oe memekiie oe Oy And take thy ovel for lance, And shout thy shout of ‘ Beer! ** When England’s yeomen the snow-white crest That crowns thy head shall see, And hear thy shout, brave hearts and stout They'll flock apace to thee. ** And we that ride behind thy back Will loud our trumpets blaw, We have fighting will, and can wield the bill, And eke the long-bow draw. ** And if that Patwerstone ’s to beat, And the Treasurie to win, Tis under the banner of BaRtErcory That we shall come therein ! ** For the Treasurie walls be strong, prog ps siege’s fear, - Like Jericho’s they ’ll tumble down To aahout—if the shout be ‘ Beer!’ ” Then up, and spake Jounw Barteycorn, From the buttery where he lay : * T rede ye false knaves and forsworn, And for answer give you ‘ Nay!’

* I were an ass ’gainst Buxron and Bass To ridea tilt with you d Harpcastiz, out of Colchester, That is my liegeman true. “ What if my father, Malt, they tax, And my mother, Hops, they toll ? I’ve never a merry-man the less Upon my muster-roll. “ And though I be an Hnglish knight, No fighting manaml, Albeit my: blood is poured in flood To a hot election-cry. = Amaioat pon thy ee I bear no grudge, or ye 'ALMBRSTON All parties are one to Jonn oe OER foe, save Lawson, has none.

“ Here is my eldest son, Brown Stout, And my youngest son, Small Beer, And eke my pata, Bitter Ale, That is so brisk of cheer. “In this your quarrel they shall not ride, But keep their strength and skill, To fight the Lawson of Carlisle, And meet him, Butt to Bill.” Then back they rode, those Knigh Crest-fallen and forlorn, ~~ * For wool they went to Jonn Bar.Lercory, And from hi came shorn.

BREACH OF PROMISE AVOIDED. Youxe Eustace pz Voxss fell precipitately in love with AncELICa PzwpRacon. Between the pair ensued an intimacy which, under the apaeiies of huseatens's Sivas, eee eee ee eg aemes ; for vered a had means. One however, the man Capillary Thanmatonoion ye the ession of his betrothed, and found out that her dark brown hair originally been of another hue, He also ascertained that one of the maiden’s front Fe wi matte to tert sa ose Was witnesses af hnwele Eustace said, ws; EUSTACE Miss Penpracon,—under the influence of Sesfege which have now subsided, I made you a promise, the fulfilment of which will render me, and I should think elf too, mise | Siplngen I have enti <= not abuse a religious ordinance, D . Iwill not promise, on m cherish you, when I know that I shall hate you and keep as much as I can out of your way. I will _ cannot, Miss Penpracox, lead you to the altar. But if you will hold me to eo rg | and exact—not your pound but—your eleven stone ten, or whatever I weigh, of flesh : if you insist on my forming with you @ union which will one of mutual aversion and disgust, be it so. We will be married, if we must, but not by a el No; our iage shall before the Registrar. We will not go to Church. i to the Registrar’s mre ci darem la Ancetica could not for some time. Her mouth had gradually opened to its utmost width; so had her eyes, and she stood without tf to close either. Mas, Peypracoy ted the same image of bak s = ag At last the younger dy gasped, naa een. oe morning, ladies,” said BrapsHaw UGGLES. “* Farewell!” cried Rusrace. And they hooked it. He was saved !

Scuoot Boy’s Dermirion.—The Better Half. The shorter,

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Manon 18, 1865. A SONG OF THE STREETS. ELL o you whose eye this _ Tue celebrated Chemist, Baron Lizzie, having refused to exchange his present position for a much more advantageous one which has been veries in chemistry are highly that presides over the chemical Order of Merit ? Has the Pore canonised a of science who adorns our al Institution St. MicuazL Farapay ? “ The Austrian and Prussian to present him with the provisional flag of the Duchie Tue Emperor or A’ we are informed, has made a contribution of 50,000 florins, and a yearly subscription of 12,000 florins, for the are unbound. It is very natural that Francis-JoszrH should wish to have the books bound as well as the ple. Anything unbound, particularly books, might spread the Fn pendence ! CHEMICAL CANONISATION. him at the University of Berlin, the Kive or Bavaria, in d tt of that self-sacrifice, has sent him an autograph letter d by “ Cross of Commander in the Order of Merit of t. Michael.” Undoubtedly Baron Lresic’s labours and disco- meritorious; but who is the St. Michael t philosopher yet living, and constituted that eminent man THE FLAG OF THE DUCHIES. Ambassadors lately waited on Lonp Jonn RussELL 3” Tue field is gules—blushing a bloody red Half shame, half eat fraternal slaughterings ; Duxe Freperticx’s coat erased, and in its stead The Prussian arms displayed in Holstein’s quarterings. In chief, the double eagle, sable, spread, ? With outstretched talons, beaked and gorged improper, Below, Bockum Dourr’s hat, without a head, Anda pen, saltire, with a *bacco-stopper. A Pesth-tilent Example. of restoring the H: useum and Library at Pesth. ms that the 200,000 oe in the library relating to H erous contagion of inde- ‘meets, The nastiest nuisance in the streets :— Is’t the wintry slush and slime ? Or the smells in summer time ? Is ’t the blinding sleet and rain, From}which no shelter you obtain ? Is’t the: filth, when_falleth snow : Or Ang dust, + sag = winds blow ? snuggling where no eye can peep, The scavengers serenely sleep. Is *t the hansom, dashing by, ‘ That flings the mud-flake in your eye? Is ’*t the bustling, hustling —— Thro’ which you fight your way along ? ie pat en ina W you appear The yells of “‘ sparrergrass “taters P?? The hussies with perambulators ? The struggles into which you get With your ee *tis wet ? The crinoline that chafes your leg ? The tops that on your toe boys peg? The runblng drape, the raling eae: e hideous, painted, The bakers, who with slackened bit Round every corner drive full split ? The ponderous vans that block the street, Or crush the wheels of all they meet ? The filthy language that one : When costermongers fall by th’ ears ? Is’t the thundering, blundering busses ? The babies, bigger than their _ nusses,” Who crowd the courts, and hindrance make, Whene’er a short cut you would take? The four-w rs creep crawl? The brats who whistle, shriek, and squall, Or pelt you with a snowy ball ? ee : hagunas af, yee heel ? P e slippery bits o! f The greasy mud trang: heel glue? The butchers, who are greasy too ? The or that distract your mind With their ‘‘ demd low perpe’ : The ow who ery “ Old Clo!” = brutes who a ‘ cee below!” e squealing cats, logs, The smoky, eke. ellow fogs ? The blatant bands, the bellowing Blacks, The foul museums of the quacks ? Such are the nuisances one meets, Whene’er one walks the London Streets. are Somagda @ ats Bes Ss Bees @ tee ome

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Manon 18, 1865.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 113 RESTORATION OF POETRY IN THE EAST. (By our own Macavuay.) T ae well-informed need not be told—and we do Rog care Lon telling anyt: to the ill-informed — that Poetry had its origin in the Kast. It is a curious fact, that even to this day the cardinal points =«= have an influence on ~* the matter, and that many more ballads are sung in Rat. cliffe = iy and Houndsditch than in Belgrave Square and Hyde Park Gardens, SoLoMow was af Oriental, so was Homer. Mn. Ten. nYsON lives in the Isle of Wight, which is more to the Kast this island; ond the town residence of Mr. Punch, the : putes bard of ancient or modern time, is situated at the foot of the noble tower of St. Bride, and in the district to which the Government has assigned the distinction of being regarded as East Central. Tt cannot be eepas, ann & foolish persons who are sur- prised at everything, that Poetry should always be inclined to flow back to its ancient fountain. It is true that water does not do this, and in so far the illustration may offend the shallow-minded, but to those who recollect that poetry is not water, even when wishy-washiest, the i will suffice for its purpose. We have to notice a case in which the Great Watershed, or shall we say Poetryshed, of the East has again sent down a lavish stream of song. Some persons are fools enough to believe everything ; other persons are fools enough to doubt everything. We despise both classes. But if an ingenuous mind, affected and afflicted with hesitation, should panse in uncertainty as to ‘whether the verses which we are about to cite are genuine and original, or what we believe is called, in the language of the Great Vulgar and the s “a sell,” we have pleasure in assuring that mind that the poem is authentic, that it is the composition of a student at the College of Delhi (in the East Indies), and that it has reached us in company with such certificates as can leave no doubt of its genuineness. fact, the person who cannot perceive this, from internal evidence, must, to use the mildest language, be a born idiot and a blazing owl. The poem was composed upon Christmas Day, and it is interesting to note the treatment of that festival by a poet whose religion does not Fosegatan the celebration. His eye, in a fine frenzy rolling, transports him from the gorgeous towers and golden groves of royal Delhi to the isle of her conquerors, and he begins boldly :— ° “ Hail, Source of joy, ye Christmas day, When all Britania seem delightful and gay. From Meadows, the perfuming air how gently flow, And all the flowe: lds smile their happiness to show. In the groves the feathered Choir fluently sing, And Church has begun its bell to ring.” The touching, simple recognition of “Church” by oné of another faith, is very pleasant, and so is his idea that at Christmas our fields are in flower, and our birds in song. But he soon returns to his own glowing land :-— ** To welcome thee, the morning in her crimson vest, ith ornaments of golden clouds is drest. At thy coming, the corn of India fields begin to ripe, And Cold Countries come in sight full of Ice. Every one enjoy pleasures fresh and new, And partake with thee a pleasant View. How the glorious flowers, the pink and purple rose, Pay thee respect, and their fragrant leaves disclose. All the riches are spent for thy name And fill the English with joy and fame. Even the poor, glorious of his race, Decks his table with different grace. Thow art alike to bé seen on the sea and land, With a precious garland in thy hand.” This is a noble I but the line we have marked suggests a solemn question. : oak his Oriental poet must have drawn his iuspiration from the aged urns of the East, whence Homer also drew. Where did the Grecian bard obtain his idea of Juno ?—we borrow the admirable translation of Eant Derpy— eset es ons, It is profoundly interesting to find the young poet of Delhi and the ea of the ry es pag their — at the same fountain. ut we proceed to the grandest pas in the composition—that in which the eye of the poet is cast wih an eagle swoop over the *“ On Thames bank, the immortal Lenten, behold ? f i ayer F 7 settling. i and suddenly 4 out another i exquisite touch, but we fear that the are asses, will not appreciate it. We now yet not less graceful conclusion :— “* Come and the lofty towers of London behold, Where the riches of the World are bestowed— Where the fairies in crowds abound Descend from Heaven to bliss that town.” Notiee the artistic antepenultimate word. A dull pedant would “correct” this with “bless,” as a thousand miserable ts have spoiled a thousand happy fancies, and lie, we trust, in the least pleasant of Dante’s circles for their crime :— “ See that City, and with thy precious Bliss the inhabitants where they dw At thy coming, the blue transparent jeuil. Thame, Swells with joy, for the Anglo-Saxon name— For thy fame the learned poets even wish to rise— Homer, Milton, and Dryden from the earth where they lies.” we warn off exact and cold-blooded correctors. the last line, offends their prejudices. Not so with us. The poet sought to show the one-ness and amalgamation of the glorious Three, Agai “Lies,” in inseparably intertwisted and interwoven with one indissoluble cable for the transit of electric poetry. And he used the singular verb, It isa noble boldness. Our readers will grieve that we lihve but a few lines more :— “ It is hard to say for the skill and polite, Where real happiness has its original light. Though even a swain would t to . His Country pleasures to him always— ‘The Noble say then to surpass in fine From all mankind better is the mine.— But Thou art the origin of that truth, Giving old the same pleasure as to youth.— All nature seem glad to survey Of thy being followed by New year’s day. Welcome to thee, and thy ever! name, Ever be, and bliss the Britania Sons with thy fame.” The completeness of the poem, the recurrence of Christmas Day, and | the affectionate apostrophe to it, the philosophical idea that some of the pleasure of the season arises from its prompt departure, and the truly Oriental “Live for ever” at the end, are features. which most readers, whom we believe to be utterly ignorant and miserable, ma not understand, but which must enchant and enchain the etgiien " For them and them only we have preserved and re-set this ond from the casket of India. MUSICAL NOTE, Iw what key would a lover write a proposal of marriage ? Be mine, ah!

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PUNCH. OR THE’ LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcw 18; 1865. SELF-CONDEMNATION. Lady. “ Néwcome! Newcoms! Tue Pore or THe CaRRIAGE BEHIND BAS COME RIGHT THROUGH! ” Coachman. “ You Don’t say so, MY Lapy; But Som CoacHMEN IS 80 WERRY. CaRRLESS.” A BALLAD BY A BEEF-EATER. Have you_seen this jerked beef? ’tis a new sort of food, Fyrom La Plata-they one at by.tons; prime and good, And tender, when. pounded and soaked well, and stewed : the jerked beef of La’ Plata! . A platter give me of jerked beef. Your butcher may say that as leather ’tis tough, And your cook, at his bidding, declare in a huff She can’t even make soup of such horrible stuff: Oh, the jerked beef of La Plata! A platter give me of jerked beef. Pay no heed to their grumblings, but give it fair chance, Good g Of course will its virtues enhance; , At the worst, ’tis as good as the bouillon of France. Oh, the jerked beef of La Plata ! A platter give me of jerked beef. *Tis more fattening than ass-flesh, which there, as one hears, At the table of gourmands now often appears, And assists them no doubt to attain length of (y)ears : Oh, the jerked beef of La Plata! A platter give me of jerked beef. Indeed, there are dozens of dishes, I’m sure, That are neither so nourishing, wholesome and pure, Or so ‘certain a sharp’ touch of hunger to cure As—oh! the jerked beef of La Plata! A platter give me of jerked beef. Through the growing demand and the drought of last year, Beef and mutton are getting tremendously dear, And we soon must all turn vegetarians, I fear, Or else eat the jerked beef of La Plata. platter give me of jerked beef ! * UNDER DISTINGUISHED PATRONAGE, AND BY ALLOWANCE OF HER MAJESTY’S COMMISSIONERS OF CUSTOMS. If you can smoke you love a joke, Now this is true, and good “* for you.” So much rubbishy tobacco having been imported into this country and sold under pretence of being cheap and good, whereas it has been dear and nasty, burned at the peril of the smokers, and to the disgust of all near them, a company of enterprising individuals has been orga- nised under the already-named disti hed patronage. By special: allowance of the above honourable the Company import the very best tobacco without paying any of the accustomed duties, and so are enabled to supply a genuine article at very low rates. Indeed the returns of the Company are so that they can afford. to divide the duty with regular customers, whereby lovers of the weed may save one half of certain expenses. For samples, prices, &c. &., apply to the French Leaf Tobacco Company, (Société Anonyme), olesale nts, Messrs. Darke Kwieut and Hazey, Darkhouse Lane. _N.B. Cheapside. , an assorted package, value five pounds, will,be sent to any address, and carriage paid, upon receipt of order and remittance to that amount —— Dontien, HovisHotm et Guétitts, Bird’s Eye Terrace, Cavendish Square, London. ; An Item in the American Bill. Awone the claims which the Government at Washington are reserving to enforce on this country with the alternative of war, when their struggle with the South shall have terminated, there: will, it is under- stood, be included a demand for the amount of damage sustained by - — Davenport for the demolition of their “ structure” at verpool, Amenpep Maxm For THE Iron Distaicts.—“ Don’t Strike while the iron ’s hot!” by ex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No, 11, Bouverie & Printed by WiHiam Bradbury, of No. 13, Upver Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middles efriars, City.of London, Printers, at their Uffice in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, City of London,and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the im the Precinct of Wait of St. Bride, City of London —Saruapay, March 18, 1865,

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Maron 25, 1865.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. PUNCH TO THE PRINCE OF WALES. ee. + BS Y Of os 5 23 i] Cas WIA Aas RASS SS o fp Tass Na] =. Y pear Prince,—It is of no use. You'can’t help it. They will do it. I vreak their heads for Ban every now and then, but the Flunkeys and the ‘Toadies take a deal o' can. I mean of course the being watched, and followed, and stared at, clumsy paragraphs to indulge the = curiosity of some, and to be made useful as a puff for others. 1 know how you eat detest all this, for you have been educated as beseems a high gentleman, and your own may look at a prince. You cannot even take a bath without a paragraph being published recording that event, and telling us at what temperature you bathed, and how you were compe | seme to be soaped and_towelled like any other gentleman. Bless you, my dear Prince, the scribblers won’t stop at this, The system wi me more and more offensive as you grow older, so you had better become pachydermatous at once. I Charleston, or of the death z has or Waxzs was graciously pleased, yesterday, to have his hair cut; but you must take one thing if you want the other. the Prince or Wates always peels his oranges instead of cutting through ny and a sone Her Royal Highness the Princess oF the rain at a Watgs prefers the peel removed. That His Royal Highness, standing out of I eeper’s cottage, expressed large cat on the rug, and that Her Royal Highness desired to have one of the next kittens. That your Royal Highness the Zoological Gardens, and was graciously pleased to accept the loan of one from Mr. Sawney Burrer (a tradesman whose address will be given), and that it was duly returned the same evening by a footman from Marlborough House. That Her Royal Highness often amuses herself in an evening by looking through the beautiful photograph-book which was manufactured for Her Royal Highness by Mzssrs. some old china. That Her Royal Highness takes cream with her coffee, and that cream is always placed near Her Royal Highness at breakfast, in an exquisite little silver churn, purchased of Messrs. Ichasop & MepaisosHETH, the celebrated silversmiths. That your Royal High- ness is not icularly poi te perfumes, and that the only one you really care about is the Ethereal Essence of Tiger Lilies, manufactured, &c: That Her Royal Highness has been pleased to declare that the first instruction of His Royal Highness Prince Victor shall come from herself, and has already procured an ivory ge to be ready for the interesting purpose. That your Royal ey amused your baby, one day during the frost, by tossing up snowballs at the nursery window, to the great delight of the royal child. That Her Royal Highness nearly dro her playbill over the edge of the box at the theatre the other night, but smilingly secured it against future peril by the agency of a pin. your Royal Highness is pleased to take occasional notice of the groom who brings your horse on a hunting-day, and on a recent morning you made the remark, as you mounted, “that the rain seemed likely to hold over.” That Her om Highness let her embroidery ue e il a few afternoons since, and that it may be mentioned, as a proof of Her Royal Highness’s consideration for her attendants, that she picke uke of York’s steps because it ost a penny, and that Her Royal Highness, who was with your Royal Highness, would not go on until she had ascertained that the juvenile martyr was acquainted with the rouée to the residence of its parents. Yes, I rapes it, my dear Prince, there will not be anything that an unaffected and kindhearted couple can do or say for many_years to come, but will be snapped up and made into a paragraph, especially if that paragraph can serve the purpose of a puff for somebody. I promise you and the Princess that I will, as a celebrated Doctor from your Principality remarks, “ smite the noddles” of as many Snobs, sinnin in this way, as I can, and where I can spoil their Puff-market, I will certainly do so. But the tribe is very large, perfectly shameless, an ee y persevering, and moreover, there is a great lot of poe who like to read such things, and who actually call them news. So you must make up your mind to the worst, and must explain to the Princess that such scribbling is a trade, and that it is as much despised by English ladies and gentlemen as it can be by yourselves. Having thus acquitted myself of my duty as your Royal Highness’s Extra Privy Councillor, I have the honour to subscribe myself, Your Royal Highness’s faithful Servant, 85, Fleet Street. PAaNcH. it up herself, and ye | roceeded with her work. That your Royal Highness gave a shilling to a child who was crying on the unishment. You must bear it as well as you | and the having the smallest incidents in your daily life served up in | great admiration of a | eft your umbrella at | VOL, XLVI. character and habits are at once frank and modest. But I assure you | once more that you must bear it. A cat may look at a king, and a toad | would say, don’t read the eogers but fyou must do that. It is very hard that you cannot be allowed to peruse an account of the fall of | of the Porpoise, or of the flogging a garotter, without coming upon a statement that His Royal Highness the Prince | Yes, my dear Prince, things will grow worse and worse, and so I tell you. Be prepared to read, from time to time, that His — Highness | Guum & Sricktepack. That your Royal Highness has been most unjustifiably represented as having a bad cold, the fact bemg that you | happened to sneeze once or twice on Monday evening, from having taken a pinch of snuff out of a box which = accidentally found among |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 25, 1865. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. onpbay, Marck 13. Wise in their gene- ration, the Conserva- tives have considered that if they should come into office it may be convenient to stand better with the Federal Govern- ment and its ad- mirers than certain utterances by Lornp Dexpy and others may have seemed to render it was arranged that we should have aan American debate, which should give | Ce the leader of Oppo- sition in the Com- mons an opportunity m of redressing the ~ balance. Srr- MOUR FirzGERALD. who was charge So | that he went ons with the initiative, | disc harged with his accustom ility and i and made the Defences of Canada his peg quite ous, and 1 I increase their force on the Lakes, in order to suppress the Raiders. He saw more —, than before in the American despatches to this country, a@ gracious complimen ee ee Te Merge d we should b: red to acci and we sho e prepa’ Ma. Forszer attacked Lorp Dersy, and made a strong Federal the North was fighting tosave the country. s i CaRDWELL—ass the House that our relations with ithe States were most friendly, echoed the praise of Mr. Apams, and stated tha that we were to defend Quebec, and the Canadians Montreal, and that England was to Se aha wd Coat ses three-fifths of the expense. a ake Mr. Disrazti. Of course he defended his Chief, whose opinions nce by api and di ion. He would not prophesy as to the result of the war, but if the South should be put down, he did not believe that the North would be eager to in war with an enemy at least as powerful and determined as the Confederacy. from a mere political level into Palcscphy. Mr. Dispszui observed that the } American people were a Territorial Democracy, and that AristoTLE, who had taught us nearly all our wisdom, had declared that persons addicted to tilling were not given to killmg. Still, at the end of the war the country would be in a disturbed nes Poe as there was = 1 what ~~ ro we ought to e) eee for n meric wdy Rhetoric, which he did not believe represented the feelings of the peo All this was so calm, ‘statesmanlike, an le. opportune, that we need hardly add that Mr. Disraext could not be “* Content to dwell in decencies for ever,” but relieved" his mind by finishing off with a slashing onslaught on the Government, for the contradictory opinions which its members had expressed on the war. The Opposition having said its say, divers other gentlemen had theirs. Suffice it to Mr. A to record that Mx. Lowe believed that we could not defend Canada, and had better tell her so, and that Lorn Roperr Ceci thought that we ought not to humbug Canada as we humbugged Denmark. Mr. Barent then deli- one of his most abusin ¢ Sapiens for having distrusted and been harsh most o fea) an Meters te were ‘trying to back out of their blunders, that the City alarms were the alarms of share-jobbers, who were always in the wrong, that we all felt rather ashamed of ourselves, and had air pes of conscience about the way we had treated America, ‘ed ‘had no idea of warring with us, that in the centuries to come we should be proud that from the loins of England had sprung the millions of prosperous Americans, and that if we now acted with discretion, the two great Commonwealths seen abreast, the Parents and Guardians of freedom and justice. Right or wrong as to the past or the future Mr. Bricut may be; but-Mr. Punch, who, like Robin Hood, in Ivanhoe, always adds his holloa when he sees a:good blow or a good shot, declares that to-night the Quaker stood up to his work like a man. ‘The Premrer, nevertheless, like an old hand in the ring, made his mark on the Birmingham Boy, and put in the neat one that Mr. Baicut’s speech, which seemed so fiery, was eminently conciliatory to America, for nothing pleased men so much as to be told that they were ill-used. He easily disposed of the charges against Government, and then declared that he believed that both the Government and the people of the North were well disposed to us, but as the best security for peace was the ability to resist war, we should take all precautions forthe defence of Canada. his duty | rushed into fierce confli . He was | ght that we ought to have allowed the Federals to ¢ to Mx. Apams, who was in the House, and was, | Firzegrawo did not believe that the Yankees wished to go | alike shared. The behaviour of the North to us had been marked b | aggressive and effective orations, praising the Yankees, | when the criminal called no evidence. Lorp CranworTH 5 rsh with them, declaring that | made the very profound remark that such a permission about America ever since the war began, and now | would lengthen trials, but the _ And thus ended the most important debate of the Ses- sion, and imasmuch as it may be referred to, because of subsequent events, Mr. Punch has, in the exercise of a discretion which it would not be wise in any one to attempt to control, recorded it with some fulness, and has abstained from adorning his record with those exquisite and —_ ling gems of wit which might distract the attention of the Aas. from the sentiments of the Representatives of Public pinion. Mr. Hennessy then attacked Mr. Newpecats in regard to a correspondence between himself and Dr. ULLaTHORNE Catholic Bishop, about the imprisonment of nuns, an called on the ultra-Protestant to apologise. Mr. Newpe- Gate had not the slightest intention of doing so, and referred Dr. ULLATHORNE’s statements to some supposed oath to keep priestly secrets inviolable. Tazo DonocHur did not believe Mz. Newpecate in earnest, and thought into secret places to laugh privately at the stories he told publicly. Here the matter may drop, Mr. Punch thinks, for the present, or the above trio, and the Bishop, had better go in four cabs to the Nunhead metery, fight the subject out, and bury it decently. Tuesday. The Irrepressible Nun up again; this time in the House of Peers. Eant Russext had to explain the story of Mary Ryavy, a lunatic nun, who had been illegally removed from this country, but who, he thought, had now better be left where she was. Lorp MaLMEsBuRY sug- gested that Srm Georce Grey should be told to read a general and severe lecture to the heads of convents. The hardy Northmen and the softer Orientals then ish ict, and soon the spears of the Vikings were red with the blood of their prostrate foes. , * Hurrah for the Hypokeimenoi! For the men who dwelt below In the crystal mines Where the golden vines And the silver fig-trees grow !” The fact, less poetically stated, was that the Great Nor- thern and the Great Eastern Railways had a fight over a new Bill desired by the latter, and that Parliament, con- sidering that a decision last year had induced the G.N. | to undertake an enormous new outlay, refused to sanc- | tion the rival project—162 to 121 were the numbers, | and they make together such a house as rarely assembles on questions of mere public interest, and—an intelligent ublic may add any remark which occurs to that respectable | ody. | ‘About sixty-four years ago something was done in India | of which Sun Firznor Ksiy, in the name of Pauncz | Azrem Jax, to-night complained in a speech of appropriate | . There was a d Six Cuantes Woon said | that the Prince’s demand was monstrous, and the House affirmed its monstrosity by 53 to 38, and put the cover on the jar, as . Cox| might have id. “Azeem to have | heerd of this here afore,” as Ms. Waat.ey might have | added, affecting a rustic dialect, We are unprepared to | assert that either said anything half so ridiculous.’ Wednesday. A Bill containing various apparently. excel- lent suggestions for improving the J ury System was opposed, | suceesstully, by her ty’s Government. Among other comforts, jurors’ bodies are to be still starved for the im- provement of their minds. And we send Missionaries to the savages. Thursday. Lord Cueimsrorp pushed ‘on his Bill for allowing Counsel in Criminal Cases, to speak twice, even l é CHancettor did not see that this, which is er. probable, ‘was an objection, inasmuch as the justice and not the brevity of an English trial is valgarly held to be one of its chief merits. Lorp Stratrorp DE Reportrre (which reminds us that St. Mary Redcliffe, at Bristol, is likely to come down if not repaired, in which case we shall labour to get Bristol disfranchised, and all her inhabitants sent to Bath) wants the new map of the frontier between Turkey and Persia. It has cost £57,000 already, and it is well that Jonn But is‘an Atlas that can bear such taxation for maps. What ye ae Tne and oe pe oan be, if their magnificen’ raphy is .pre at such prices. There is a practicable joke here about Marrin, but we are not going to make it, use we consider cab and omnibus advertisements a nuisance. , Lorp Harrowsy objects to the Education order which submits children under six to “examination for results.” |

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Maron 25, 1865.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARTVART. 117 We should prefer examining them for goodies and toffee, and if none were found on them, the Privy Council ought to instruct the nearest resident confectioner to take the necessary measures, and weights, for supplying the deficiency. Lorp Granviiiz thought that the reatures will not exceed £3,000,000—three millions, M’m. Genzrat Pret said that the Tories had heen more economical than the Liberals. If you wish to read what the various millingtary hoxifers said, Mus. G., you are at liberty to go into any penny reading-room at your own no | or small ci DALE, who deserves to be one, protested against ’ little ones. However, they are to be tormented until further notice. The case of the unfortunate Coventry ribbon weavers which has been so often and ; Government said) was to-night urged by his colleague, Mz. Taz Nothing, said Mx. Grsson, can be done. Bextinck, has been wro the bold s over the : f her husband’s subjects at St. Etienne, as well as of Quam Vicror1s’s | at Coventry, to set the fashion of wearing’ ribbons nt ugzestion, that “ the Illustrious Lady whoruled: despotically | go over, at the request and charge’of thie nation, as a | make this request. of the beauti | winds'are put down. The Army Estimates, Mrs: -. We want £14,348,000'for the soldiering purposes; a saving of are some reductions, which Lore ments in the Service. } Guns are the best: we have yet obtaied. The price of our new forts ought to be present at the examinations. “He has »” Lorp Lyrrizton, who is a father, and Lonp Repgs- inst tormenting the of campai to. have so ably pressed by Sir Joserpm Paxron (as HERNE. misehief, said Mr. Me Wurre made All the: ht by free-trade. noble oj for Parli wind,— he ain a? on The Countess oF Poncu will be perfectly happy _ ashions of Europe” sliould be asked, im the interest of depu o Bmpress, but not until the: March police had £800,000 on last year. There aero said were improve- Govertunent thinks: that the Armstrong Coil expense, and Priday. The Covent Garden O Programme out, and Mr. Punch was far too much intebeated in; € ising Ma. are to have specially if t like ble libretto has be bsti rye y ane a reasonable en sw is not exactly that, i tude in any deseription: by Ma Wiatisy, but the certain admirable: exe the police, who, as was said xamining Mr. Grz’s to-pay much attention to the debates. We are certealy Africae, if it comes out in Paris, and Paris or not, we Flanto Magico, which we regard as better news sti } which has hitherto been so mischievous to’ the is @deal of good ise in the me, As we did not attend.—who would go out in a venomous ish debate, of no utility, and on a dis- B affirmed the ignorance of the Foreign Layarp that commercial gentlemen s set aside for the sake of trade. higher Police rates were complained of, and Mr. Wuacusy said that the established — of terrorism over the Magistrates. It i be unreasonable to expect 4 Magitruies, wi aré too much in the habit of believing | the late Mz. O’ConnELL of somebody, are too much in the habit- of “postponing the interests of the trut to the purposes of the moment.” kiss ? BRAVO, PIO NONO! UR readers: are hereby con- tulated on the ly ime gra y a proved. health spirits the Porz. Prue is himself againphysically, that is to say; for, to be sure; he is not ~—_ ‘ he was in 1847, an of progress in- occupa- thon of the Apostolic See, A calamity to tlie jocular universe ter than it would be to the serious Monde, would result from the demise of the Triple Crown. How : do we know that the next - wearer of that symbolical sub- stitute for a chimney-pot will play so many fantastic tricks before high Heaven as to supply the place in the gal- lery of European comicalities which will have been vacated by his predecessor ? A recent letter from Rome informs us that :— “Soon after twelve o'clock the Popg received in the Throne-room at the Vatican a deputation of —— about 200 foreign Catholics—non- Pontifical Italians being comprised = in the category. Am address of sympathy, devotion, and attach- ment was read to his Holiness, who replied in a few touching words, concluding with blessing the assemblage; and presenting them with his foot to kiss.” Have we any reason to be satisfied that the next Pontiff —may his accession be pro- tracted a thousand years !— will be capable of rewarding a deputation, come to pay him their compliments, by pre- senting them with his foot to Are’ there not some grounds for fearing that he may shrink from the —— of an act so charmingly grotesq was - iollowing extravagance, also ascribed to his Holiness by the writer above quoted .— ue P funny, in its way, with the absurdity of giving people his foot to kiss, “ On Thursday the Pore published a decree for the canonisation of a Spanish InquisitorFra Perer D’ARBUES—who was killed by the Jews at Saragossa.” If it is true that the sublime borders on the ridiculous, the converse is also true, and certainly the canonisation of aS; aicul that borders on the sublime. The devotees who venerate a Pontiff that signalises ish Inquisitor is an instance of the ridiculous dous: burlesque’ as: that, be kiss nar he Holy Baer might . of them, in » a th. late Ti posed for by his ists -eTh Pors 2 ro ed ogists. e is | ‘4 Mim ibs coafronten with the inexorable logic meet ee oqally inexorable logic of for which they tertein great respect, just . j en a such as = had for the late Corowzt Srernorr, re. spectively of his politics, and have forthe present Marquis pz Boissy, notwithstanding his rabid Anglophobia. What fun it will be if the Porz, who, with a courage truly admirable, shrinks from no consequences of his theology, shall shortly publish another Bull, condemning all the phy- sical sciences, especially astronomy, chemistry, and geology as diabolical illusions, corresponding to the witchcraft of the Ages of Faith! The promulgation of such an edict by his Holiness is to be expected daily. Our Roman Catholic ig gen boast of the great increase of their numbers. the mean time, the Holy Father has virtually excom- | municated all of them who are not fools enough to swallow | the dogmas of his Encyclical, and must thus have cut the one infallible Church down to small proportions. Eh, Sm Grorce Bowyer? How many of you are any better than heretics P Be that as it may, we are glad to know that the Holy Father is ‘‘alive and kicking,” to speak in the vernacular. although he forbore to kick those whom he might and should have kicked in the chaps. Instead of ugly stories about erysipelas and other ailments, we rejoice to hear that the Servus Servorum is once more his own man, although we cannot accept his Invito Sacro, whereby we also should be invited to kiss his foot. You are going on admirably, Prvs, old boy. Go it! SPORTING NEWS. Tue Hunting Season being nearly over, there was a d meeting of The Sly Fox Club, in Leicestershire, the liest old Fox in the Chair, The Foxes congratulated one another on the capital sport they had had during the past season, and hoped that no ———— vulpecide would thin their ranks before next November. There was. a fine show of brushes. The Chairman said that the rising gene- ration couldn’t do better, when Cub-hunting should com- mence, than follow the admirable example set them by their parents. Coverts were laid for — The proceed- ings were fully reported in Reynxard’s Weekly Paper. Piry without relief is like mustard without beef.

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 25, 1865. Tm | y MUIILLLSD SSL WUISILTSILS AA. we 7m, “ZZ « u\ Vie U// —— Y, — Saas YW, EL. WR 2 Za SSPIPSS MISSA LSS Ct SMIMUIMISIS LL 112 = — | ae t yiyhyp SN iif / i] Ul] Ii fy) { HA i / / | / j I qi) “WOODCOCK’S LITTLE GAME.” Mossou (to the Snowed-up Foxhunters, who are grumbling about the Weather). “‘ Mais NON, DER IS ALVAYS DE CHASSE TO ME. DERE IS VON LEETLE VOODCOCK IN DE VOODS HERE—ALVAYS, ALVAYS, TOUS LES JOURS, I FIND HEEM, I TIR MON COUP, I DO NOT HEET HIM, BUT I optaIn My CuHassE. I HOPE HE VILL REST TO ME ALL DE SEason !” .THE TELEGRAPH CLERKS. NOTES ON THE NAME OF CASAR. Tue Emperor has raised a discussion on the etymology of Junius aan amare mean & WOR Csar’s name. Some will have it to have been derived from cesar, Enter a Company of Telegraph Clerks with wires. Theyycatch Siz n= a = on, Stphant, ones yas oy of came preg Le pe venture : : . with a long bow, which wo’ ve req send an arrow Cuanes Woon, and sing to him melodiously. through the hide of that pachyderamatous quadruped. Others contend Sone or THE Heap CLERK. that Csar was so called for a reason which would have rendered the same name applicable to Macpur¥; but perhaps, with respect to the Am—" In my Cottage.” ceesarian operation, they put the cart before the horse. The more Ly my station near thee. Woop plausible opinion is, that the name in question was derived from cesaries, Th receive or send all day — a thick head of hair, which one of Juttus Casanr’s progenitors was not, given to Telegrams both bad and good as superficial scholars some, an — but grew up without. The 4 ancient Romans were very muc! eavy chaff and calling people I From snd out to In-di-a. names, some of which, like Rurus, were literally expressive af their t eight hours takes to—(pay Bret. : Phe. : Me os Ls personal peculiarities, whilst others were perhaps ironically so. As a Tate nae ele) matter es J ve Caan is hgeme te ese been pp and, ae . r LAND’s Incomparable Macassar not having been as yet invented, From my oe near thee, Woop. to Ee — . ee one i pow es a wig, or of a pa —s Chorus of Telegraph Clerks, to be Sung dancing up t HARLEs | Scull-cap, which, when he go e Pontifex Maximus, wo ve taintacadid Wenn ant co soa hate ' become his Holiness. He probably took after his ancestor, called Needl a pins! The Casak for want of a cesaries, in a playful figure, quasi lucus a non Wh es an , Needles and pins ! lucendo, as his countrymen used to say, and as ours might give Tom en a man telegraphs, trouble . Tums and Commopore Nutt the names of Goce and Macoc. Spoken . If the original Casar derived his nickname from an: artificial head of by Heap Cink, after tifin. hair, the name of Casaz would seem to correspond nearly to that of Head Clerk. Tf you please, Srr Cuan.es, where wouldu’t a Telegraph | Wiccrns. ° Clerk go to foraholiday? ‘D’ yar gib itup? (AU laugh like Niggers. In quitting this subject, we may remind our readers that, in the time (Sx CuaRies Woon cuts a caper, and gives it up. | of our own immediate forefathers, the thick head of hair, from which Head Clerk. Because—no I mean—He wouldn’t fi The Needles, | the name of Casaz is said to have originated, was termed a Baurvs. CLERK. Chorus resumed. Needles and pins, &c. &c. Tue Man WE SHOULD LIKE 70 Senp to a S#ance.—The man [Bells ring violently. Exeunt omnes, salaaming the door. | who knows how to hit the happy Medium. «dSUVW LSISHU OL AIAV AT I TIVHS MOH ‘UNOWUV AW ANVW L.NOM GNV ‘ANTOS NUOL NOK AT» ‘VINNvireg | \

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‘Manca 25, 1865.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

A STATUE AT LARGE. twelve.o’elock in London generally. Past twelve o’clock . After life’s fitful foe Leicester Sq , slept well were aroused by a mn wild, unearthly. Was it a Banshee? or cats Bh Irene ving a Banshee, as no one on that neers fron mf : ~ oe prerane @ oe it wasn’t was % in that mal eno co 5 ah the aes bra had been shut up =— nae — Aga: louder, more unearthly, more unmusical than before. “ Hullo!” Portion anp Snrvesoy, sneer in the Square. Purtick was asleep on the peoonll oor front, and SiMPson was reposing in an adj room. “ Who’s that?” * T should to knock him smn, whoever it is,” growled Sn«rson, going, gone!” cried Puttick awp Smrsox, and jumped - fare paeeen, aon, peiting his head out of window. Srrawez, looking, out from a turret in the’ Beoxies anp Son, booksellers, peered forth from their first-floor withe dt with faces that spoke volumes. out 0! ay te 85 * No, it isn’ Alhambra. Foreigners at the Europe, Provence, and Sahloniosél in their mght-caps, but couldn’t be distinguished at all, 's that Horace BYeneny * anutert Mr. Sr iz to a Bottling eee , sprang his rattle. th eat e Dvuxz or SUTHERLAND and Lonp Ricnarp were on the spot on his Grace’s fire rm gm Diable! Der Texfel ! exclaimed the distinguished foreigners. “ Tt’s the Statue Statue singing,” said Mr. Stance. “ It’s the Statue!” cried Purriox arp Smrson. * Tt ee the Statue!” chorussed ag anp Son. “1 7ll pump on him,” said the Duk ** No, don’ of throw cold water on him,” observed his Lordship, “ o: youll put him x: ee bie ph I P wn Carte said "tke St A re gh who was looking straight at Purrick anp IMPSON’S. * Encore!” shouted the auctioneers. “ Encore, by all means!” cried the illustrious party, seated on the engine. Mz. Green, who, with a large of friends had been summoned from Evans’s, here stags ixwss forward, and offered to hum the statue music from Don Giovanni y, dear Boy on the horse. **T can’t come down, Me chk Gaui. ” returned the Statue, politely but sadly, “and if I my misfortune, in the matter of toe would prevent my walkoe s ur sup) * Sing away, old Boy!” tied theo eqmapents of the fire-engine. * Si sharp—I mean i” sharp,” STRANGE, who was ding cat the mnanenam wire with h the ones. - sa thing of my own,” explained the Statue, bashfully, ‘founded upon a apes © re mid a gentleman to whose namesake dedi Nan aunt een Name vi a the fire-engi “Oouean, answered the Statue. “ I will now oblige the company with my | VERSES.*, (Written by the Statue during his solitary abode in the centre of the Leicester Square Desert.) “ I’m monarch of all I survey,” Meee Bt be 5 staan 9 och taken away, vies ve are ty carn ? where are 5?” * oe I’m black in the face; white black won’t come off ‘ite the storms Of rain in this horrible place. “I’m out of Humanity’s reach,” “Except when ’tis ays witha stone ; * It is needless to observe that our reporter was the first at the square railings. hear ue he’ 8 saying,” said Mz. Srraner. “ ni é 4 : Mapame pe Pompeypour. Is there no stern policeman who ’ll teach The small boys to let me alone ? The cats roam over the square My fore Sak indifference see,” tirasccagiipemdigl horse has a stick to sup; , which observe , a8 if been ta aed may bake, __ him ’twill shine ; 0 e, , “tis all be laid up ! That reconciles me to my

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS ABOUT JULIUS C&i8AR. Julicum Casarem—Yes. R.S8.V.P. were the letters inscribed on the sngient Roman was a boast, and nobody knew Billy 8.— did the populace want to tear th SHAKSPEARE’ Julius isi hanes wept tnehy jammy _ og ~ ley. — was “the Rubicon ?—It was a hae ; requests to him to Czsar used to roti es, int a -table cry was afterwards 5, Bee, ma Sila abheotnabed form, it has ram Tera —C. certainly w Conners Har, bt i doe eet. Glas tee ply pha Cashius.—The name of < Casar’s wife? She was Pompsy’s and, everybody knows it well, was celebrated in as

' Rows o Fowerat Onations.—De mortuis nil nisi Buakeum.

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CHARIVARI. [Maron 25, 1865, oe oT EET aa RUDE BOY! Charley. ‘‘I say, Rossrt !” Robert. “ Yzs, Sm.” Charley. “I SUPPOSE YOU THINK YOU’RE A Footman, ’CAUSE Papa’s GIVEN YOU a CoaT; BUT YOU’RE ONLY Aa PaGE AFTER ALL, AND OUGHT TO HAVE LITTLE Burtons ALL THE WAY DOWN !” THE STAGE FROM THE FRONT. Wuen Cuaucer spoke about the Clerke’s power of “ entuning” through his nose, he never d for it any particular humour; and when low comedians, or those who are thrust into that position, adopt a decided nasal tone of delivery, the audience may be ver if they are unable to see the fun of it. Two glarin instances of this elocutionary vice have been lately cones before the public— one at the St. James’s Theatre, and the other at the Princess’s. Fewix sages og the first ey Mr. eae: y - — ap aoe being oily comedians, but their extremely style of acting might be rende more endurable if they delivered their words direct from the natural organs of speech. Dr. Cantwell, Matwworm, the conventional Quaker, and the equally con- ventional Yankee of the Stage may be all very amusing in their way, but their peculiarities of pronunciation are apt to become tiresome when given to all i . Rogers and Murray are not the founders of this nasal school, nor are ba Be No pupils. _ The revival of for Scandal at Drury Lane, has had an air of novelty imp to it, from the circumstance of the two Surfaces being played by ilitary _ en. « Mayor-GENERAL ANDERSON and LiguTeNANT-CoLONEL Water Lacy, who represented the Joseph and Charles of the comedy, were as old favourites, notwithstanding their heavy cavalry moustachios. Sir Peter Teazle ought to have had a Crimean beard to make the performance har- monious, but Mz. PHetrs preferred to be correct and singular. hat is an “ actor?” or an “apex play?” A gentleman writing in the Era has used these terms, and every dramatic critic ought to be gratefal for any new discovery in critical language, but no copyist will be safe in using such phrases until they are clearly explained. An “apex actor,’ we imagine, is an acrobat at the top of a pole; and an “apex play” must be some posthumous production of Pzaxe’s which is popular in the provinces, Don’t be Rude. A Piamrtrr the other day claimed remuneration from a Defendant for “ Paving the way to a Butter Connection.” It is right to say that this plaintiff had not been ucing a critic to a Manager. DE MORNY AND DE MORTUIS. TWO PICTURES. FROM LIFE. A yours of wild excess, where every vice— The pepo’, gambler’s, letcher’s, had its turn, by a cool rain precise, shame checked nor sin could rouse to burn. A manhood from sheer foulness scarce redeemed By one short interval of soldier-life, Where scorn of all things stoic courage seemed, And won such honour as finds root in_ strife. That warfare o’er, and those still A glad return to the po bepe Ae orm With appetites for brief restraint more keen, Large lusts to feed, and lessened means to buy. Then arts of industry, in stock and share, The gambler’s practice to the Bourse > applied, With that cool blood, that brain, alert ware, Still keeping roguery on law’s windward side. Till, when the House of Orleans met its doom, And the Republic had out-played its hour, His life-long purpose veiled in studied gloom, The Nephew of my Uncle crept to power. Then this great Jourster laid his seeptre down, To one more than he yielding the pas,— The master-gambler who all coups dared crown With that colossal coup, the coup d’état. As a half-brother—half in brains and blood— Should serve half-brother, he this master served, With a cool daring, by no bar withstood, That brooked no check, and at no terror swerved. And he had his reward: so near the Th What secret men would buy but he would sell ? The “turn of the market ” now was all his own, And practice taught him how to use it well. So he kved—aghion Goa gems Sad onal, F Courteous of speech, of manners fair, Ruling French legislators with a That English lacqueys had not brooked to bear ; With everything that the world’s wealth could buy, With nothing that the world’s respect should bring ; And when he died he could find tongues to lie, Hands flowers of falsehood o’er his grave to fling ! ich nor AFTER DEATH. First Scuwemer took the brush, couleur de rose Laid in for ground, and with bold hand began To model up, in lineaments and gose, - The portrait of great statesman and good man. ** Firm in his principles, in judgment wise. Prompt to conceive as he to act was skilled : Order and progress alike to prize Noblest support of Throne as nob filled. * Such in high office he ne’er ceased to be : Such in the public love we saw him grow, And in his co that bleed with me, r and dearer, as our loss we know ; “Impartial President, just and unblamed, He with firm hand ion’s licence checked : Admitting all to ent, he claimed For men and institutions due respect. “Tn private life beloved, his generous heart Drew all affections with resistless power : In public life, his the wise counsellor’s part, ho reads aright the lesson of the hour.” As large of line, of colouring as brave ‘As this ftom BOManIDNlE penal tight and bland, The second portrait, at that open grave, Dashed ile ready RovuHERr’s Eeile hand.

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Maron 25 1865.) - PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

“ Life’s fight well fought, the task of duty done, Upon his death-bed the pure patriot see, Loosing this earth’s affections, one by one, Into God’s bosom so to pass more free.’ gentle, tolerant, wise, and debonair— virtues or good gifts but met in him ? Till looking on this image, we despair oa To think what eclipse France’s sky must dim With the extinction of the shining star, That such a wondrous radiance can fling. — But still a life ’s a life, and lights there are Seen after death, that from corruption spring.

SOMETHING SENSIBLE PROM SUFFOLK. Muster Pouncs, I humbly ax yar pardon, Sir, for troblun yow with my hand- writun, for I baint over — at spellun, and may our Soffuk way o’ speak- un ull puzzle yow good tidily. Bot blame it! I fare somehow as if I must sah suffun bout this here pack 0’ lies as hev bun towd. about the Malt-tax. Gorm me if I don’t think that that there Smr Firz Roy Ketty hev been swi some sour beer, and it hev ivun him the stomik acke ! Yell, there, to hare him’ ommost wrk, . : ‘ ware nigh starved vith trore Tinea (ox, sath annien Mare Sie kas on ’em to drink a pint of homebrewed. A mort o’ fulish gabble he hev gone* us folks, sure-ly/ Why, to hare him prate, yow’d think as how a faermer | dint git northin by high faermun, for the moor baerley he growed the moor tax he’d hev to pay, and so, yow see, a faermer as do justice to the land ho worn€mite the better off for a good hairvest. Well then there<s my bor Jim as work for Muster Sxnvriuv, he goo a Sarrerday+ sometimes and buy the Jpsidge Jarnal, which yow know is a high Tory peayper, and it ’s sprisun what a sight o’ fulishness is put in it—Bout this here beer matter I mean, for in most respex the Jarnai is as sensible as many eountry noospeaypers. But there, it wholly stammed me tuther night at the Blue Lion to hare a letter read as was put into the Zimes, and written by a faermer as live nigh here in , and he sah as this here tax be ruination to we labrers, fur if malt were free we ’d all on ted 92 a brewun good mild beer at 3 hapence a quart, and cood git as d as lords on our own premises for 6 pence. But ’strue as I sit here, I don’t believe we’d get a mite o’ good by ae drunk, nor by heven cheaper beer and keepun sober, nuther. w see our maisters ud be sure to cut our wages down accordun. My blief is as the money which now goo to pah the malt-tax woodent goo into our pockets, nor yet the faermexs’ nuther. The brewers and the maltsters might git a howd o’ some on it, but we shouldn’t see a doit, leastways that’s my opinion. So when I hare a faermer complainun of the malt-tax, think i—This here’s all grub. The real tax upon the barley is the Geame, and nit the Guvermint. Why, ’strue as yow’re alive we’re ommust eaten up wi’ e down here in So No wonder corn dont pay for growun. when it be mostly all cornsumed by hungry hares and rabbits, an patteridges, and pheasunts! The fairmers nowt this right enough, but they’re afeard to haller out, cos why they think if they complain they ull git tunned out of their fairms, and spite o’ the Geame they most on em _be doing pritty tidily. So no moor at the present from your bedient humble sarvunt to command, 3 Joz Hone, Uppards 0” thutty year a Labrer in the filds, and arnun 9 shillun a weak to keep my wife and family, and its as much as I can du to find em in ayy bread, but taint the Malt-tax as purwents it from beun pork and poodden. * Anglicé, given. + Anglice, on Saturday. t Know,

SEASONABLE CONUNDRUM, War ought you never to lend anything to a strict Roman Catholic? Because what is Lent to Aim, he keeps.

BIG AND LITTLE BETHELLS. Norse can well be more cruel or unreasonable than these attacks iving away the Clerkship of Patents'to his son- a ler. zhi of the Bina <* Sceuvey Bs so. , like Silky in t Ruin, very considers Sound to roride for hts Healy’ onal the lcnath-oudl breadth of ious feeling is beautifully shown in the following list of appoint- which have already been buted among the House of BeTHE., without anybody saying a word against the Lonp CaancELLoR :— Act. In addition to to A. B. Ampanam, Esq, and ‘Second in the Land Re ‘the Official Assigneeship to the It is a strong proof of the organised . Lorp Westsury’s Act, that they have lock, in spite of an executive stren BeTHELis and Apranams. B last two gnats, after swallowing all a Secretaryship of a Mr. R. J. ABRAHAM has been and his Lordship’ssen-in-law THE PAPAL STATES. (From our Own.) March 17th.—The Pore is in good health. He bailan the 34 ite full—no rice. Jrench im: aot amie in the there was a game of hunt the Papal slipper, which

laughed until e Wi Optod who was playing with him 1 i ret. cotton pocket handkerchief 40 mark up ve for ‘timeelf, Such is life at the Vatican ! ; * Lor’, Bruty,” said Pr to me one evening (I always call him Pi, and | he calls me Bruty), “it’s all very well to say, ‘The Por he leads a | happy life,’ but I’ll tell you in confidence——” What he said I cannot | of course repeat. But mark my words. The French will sof leave | Rome to-morrow. If they do, I give up all chance of a Cardinalate, for which I am daily intriguing. There are lots of vacant hats, and plenty of vacant heads to be fit Verb. sap. Yours, Toe Roum ’ux. * Query, the Pineio ?

Musical Note. TL Africaine is to be yeodennd at Covent Garden with great splendour. The plot iis very simple; a coloured gentleman, while stopping at a | South African Port, falls in love, and poisons himself with a glass of the | native Sherry. The story was originally told of the first man of colour, | Apam Brack. There will be a b of Buffalo , who will come out every night, and dance by the light of the usual Moon.

THE MANCHESTER SCHOOL. Wry is the Duxe or Mancuester like SuaxsPzare ? outrageous, the comparison is zo¢ “‘ — Don’t be h too ‘ Because he knows “ small Latin and less Greek.”

UNPUBLISHED CORRESPONDENCE. Tue Roman Catholic Bishop of Birmingham’s Postscript to Mz. Newpecats :—“ P.S. I’ll be an Ulla-thorne in your side. Yours truly, Tue Brummacem Bisnopr.”

Nursery Rhymes for Leeds Babies. Lorp NAMBYPAMBERLEY first was a scorner Of six-pound “ francheese,” and was put in a corner: But he’s eaten his words, and it gives us great joy That Lonp NaMBYPAMBERLEY ’s now a good boy.

An Inza ror A Quacx.—A Schoolboy’s Appetite will be regained at the latest period of life in cases of the most complete anorexia, by recourse to CRAMWELL’s Peptic Pills. Sold in boxes, at &c. &c.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Manon 25, 1865, EE ee pee ath * a sk AN AWFUL DEMONSTRATION OF THE POWER OF A LARGE MAGNET AT OLD BUNGER’S SCIENTIFIC CONVERSAZIONE. RHYMES TO DECREASING CRINOLINE. _ Wirt exceeding satisfaction A remarkable contraction Of —— our eyes have lately seen ; e expanse of ladies’ dress, Thank its yielding arbitress, Growing beautifully less, Crinoline. On the flagstones of the street He meg gaan, tepistie toler} e may pass, if pretty tolerably lean, And sufficiently alert, Stepping not into the dirt *Twixt the kennel and thy skirt, Crinoline. Now, when ladies go to Court, Let us hope that no more sport They will furnish to the rabble vile and mean, While their clothes, for want of room, Stick right out of every brougham ; For retrenchment is thy doom, Crinoline.: There will soon be room for_us In the public omnibus, When the middle class of ladies find the QuEEN, And the fair Prrvcess or WaLzEs, And Nobility’s females, Have all had to reef their sails, Crinoline. When to church young damsels go, Their habiliments to show, their bonnets of magenta, mauve, and green, A not very spacious pew Will suffice to hold hee, If the darlings but eschew Crinoline. No more ladies death will find, In their frames of steel calcined, Setfon blazes by, a grate without a.screen ; Though, some cookmaids yet may flare, Who dress out, and don’t take care, For the servants still will wear, Crinoline But the dashing stylish belles, _ And the exquisite fast swells, Will deride the grotesque fashion that has been For so long a time the rage In a comical past age: Thy pn old cage, rinoline. New Music. “I’d be a Buttercup, born in a Bower.” Song written as a com- panion to “‘ I’d choose to be a Daisy. “ A véry charming melody. The poetry is exquisite.” —Review. VatsE—* The Pot Luck,” by the Author of “‘ The Invitation.” “ This is an extremely spirited morceau. The popping of the corks and the rattling of the knives and forks are capitally imitated.”— Vide Public Press. New Battap—“ The How d’ye do at the Window.” By the talented composer of “ The Good-bye at the Door.” “ Bright and sparkling : really quite a gem.”—Musical Review. Porrinc THE Question.— Champagne, Sir?” Printed William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper W: in the Parish of St. Pan Waitefriars City of Printe “ of London.Satunpat, March 25, 1865. ‘coburn Place, rs, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of m the hy 4 of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie S 1m the Precinct of of London, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of 8. Bride, City @a@aeots ae bh oe haiti Bh 2 2 ceeds. Oe ee Oe ee ee ee ae, _— a |

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Aprit 1, 1865.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARITVART. 125 PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. ONDAY, March 20. Lord STANHOPE, who is entitled to be heard with re- spect on any sub- ject, and especially on any subject in which posterity will be interested, made ah earnest protest against burying the new Temple of Jus- tice, instead of plating it where it would ornament London. But the site seems to be settled, and the stronghold of Law will be Castle-Carey. Mr. H. Berxe- LEY, of the Ballot, does not believe in the machinery by which black balls are to be deposited in the ships of our enemies; and he brought on another American debate. The Marquis or Hantineton stood to his guns. The Larger BentIncK abused the plans for defending Canada. This gentleman has taken a dislike to his chief, Mz. Diskaett, and often walks out of the House, in @ marked manner, in order to illustrate his disloyalty. Caprain Jervis said that the ery of invasion was a Bogie. There were some other speeches, and the rest of the night was devoted to the service of Mars, God of War, and good progréss was with the Estimates for the support of the priests and ministers of the Bellipotent. Tuesday. Mr. A. SmitH made ah onslaught upon the Office of Works and the Woods and Forests, charging the authorities with all kinds of waste, mismanage- ment, corruption, and other bad vices, and he demanded a great reform, which Mr. FREDERICK Peet assured him was unnecessary. _ ; S Mr. MonsEtt, who is a moderate Catholic, obtained leave to bring if a Bill doing away with the oaths which his fellow-believers have to take on beitig admi! to office. They have to renounce the Catholic doctrine that Sovereigns excomm cated by the Pope may be deposed by their subjects, and they have also to abjure all intention of upsetting the Church of England. Mr. Punch has the grimmest disfavour for all useless oaths, because they savour of profanity, and inasmuch as the excommunication of a Sovereign by the Pops is usually an excellent means of strengthening that Sovereign’s Yemen (as may be observed, your Holiness, in the case of VictoR-EMMANUEL, King of Z¢aly, your Holiness), we are not much afraid of the process. The QuEEN oF ENGLAND is believed to be in a chronic state of excommunication, but we ate not aware that the Howarps, or Sm GeroRcE Bowyer, or the majority of the Irish Members, entertain any intention of effecting | q, the deposition of the SovergicN. We had rather trust to the loyalty of the Catholics and to the fears of the Papists, than to any oaths. As for the Church oath, Mr. Monsgx1 said, with justice, that it was absurd to exact it from men who would maintain the Protestant establishment, as a bulwark against infidelity, and not to require it of Mr. Bricut and Mr. Hanprretp, whose first words on awakening, when their servants knock with {the shaving water, are Delenda’ est Feclesia, or a free and easy translation thereof. Moreover, we flatter ourselves that we are quite able to maintain the Church against all comers, and do not wish to be beholden to anybody’s forbearance. Government did not resist the introduction of the Bill, but we need hardly say that Mr. Newpecare had an instant vision of the window at Whitehall, and Mn. Wuattey beheld St. Paul’s in the fire, which he is not likely to kindle in the Thames. In the course of his speech Mz. NEWDEGATE grew vehement, and bonneted Mr. Horsratt, but as the great Protestant apologised like a —- and has sent Mr. Horsraut a new hat, we really mention it only in honour of the orator’s energy. Mr. SHERwDaN then beat the Government soundly. Despite the protests of the CHANCELLOR OF THE ExcHEQuer, that he ought not to be bound to anything, and that votes ought not to be tak@n on money matters until he should have cut the Surplus Cake, after Easter, the House condemned the tax on Fire Assurance. Mr. Punch regrets any annoyance to his friend Mr. GuapsTong, and feels that he, Mr. P., ought to apologise to him, Mr. G., for publishing an epigram which = duced this effect. My. unch having said that he would hear of no assurance duty except the duty of assurance, the tax was stabbed by that glittering poniard. But in the interest of Society he will stick at ——. or rather at everything that deserves sticking, and this tax on prudence merited the fate which it met to-night. Wednesday. Sr Cotman O’LocHien endeavoured to carry a Bill for giving Trishmen an opportunity of travelling on Railways upon Sundays. , he was defeated, we have little to say on the subject, except that two points in the debate may be worth notice. One is, that an Irish Member declared that Limerick was a dreary place, and he could understand the desire of people to get away from it on Sunday. Then what does the ne mean by stating in —— that “Limerick is beautiful.” Of course we agree with another poet, the late Mr. Prior, that one need not “swear to the truth of a song,” but this flagrant contradic. tion demands explanation, Secondly, it was declared on high authority, that a Railway is a public road, and any person may put carriages on it. On the faith of this state- ment, Mr. Punch has ordered a private engine and smoking carriage of his own, and having occasion to go to Edin- burgh, to see the new statue to Prorrssor Witson, and take a few drams with the editor of the Scotsman, with ALEXANDER SMITH, eer and with Proressor BLACKIE the Englishman, he will require the road on Wednesday next, and he hereby gives notice that the line is to be kept clear, as he never stops, except to smile at the pretty gir at the Peterborough station, and to punch the head of a surly porter or so at Carlisle. Thursday. Fant Russet made a Speech intended _to promote friendly feelings between us and the Federals. He intimated that there was a probability that the Reciprocity Treaty might not be put an end to, that the American Government had abolished the passport system on the frontier, and intended to withdraw the notice for abrogatin the treaty as to armaments on the Lakes. He also sai that we had been-exquisitely civil in all our despatches, and that the late Paryce Consort himself had suggested some alterations in the Trent despatch, whereby it was rendered still more polite than in the first draft. And though he named nobody, he levelled a pretty straight hit at Mr. Bricut, for trying to make the Yankees believe that we had treated them harshly. There was no question, he said, between the Governments. Sim Frepericx Bruce, whose wisdom hath approved itself in the East, has departed as our representative in the West, vice Lonp Lyons. If it be true—Mr. Scunty alleges it—that a child under six and a man of sixty-five have been flogged in gaol, the eases are not for words, but for such punishment of the pe tors as shall be remembered by all Justices and for many along day. But in spite of our abject ith in the plenary and verbal inspiration of Mr. Sctity, we ate oblized to say that we must await further infor- on. “i Saffron Hill Italian rioters give a great déal of trouble. BLIZzIONI, the man who was convicted of m , and has been ape, because the act was not murder, and also seems to have committed by some- body else, is now to be tried for wounding & potman called ro The police are charged with having resolved to convict PExrziont, and with having suppressed all evi- dence that did not tend to that result. It is certain that when a policeman has made up hie very luminous mind as to @ person’s guilt, the official mode of getting up the case is uncommonly satisfactory—s0 far as it goes; only, as Garter Banon Pottock remarked at Lewes, the other ay, “the object of a criminal prosecution is not to get a verdict, but to get at the facts.” This dictum, which no doubt seemed most offensive and uncalled-for to the gentle- men whose creed begins with “ From information which I received,” was elicited in a case in which the police catised an amiable and most respectable lady, the widow of a British officer, to be tried because a fire occurred in her house, and they could not find out how it had arisen. With such a prosecutor as Denman, such a defendet as SERJEANT Batuantine, and such a Judge as the Crier Baron Pouiock, an innocent lady in the dock was, of course, as safe from any serious consequences of police stu- are as she could have been in her own drawing-room ; ut the pain, the anxiety, the public scene, and the heavy expense occasioned to her, are by no means to be forgotten. “More brain, more brain!” as Mr. Gzorce MEREDITH, the poet, exclaimeth. : Debate on the fortification of Quebec, and repetition of most things that had previously been said. Mr. Disrar ti did not believe that the normal state of America would be the maintenance of armies like those of Xerxes. Perhaps not, yet we should not be surprised to hear a Yankee declare that the Republic, like that monarch, would “ whip the ocean.” Mr. Bricut complimented Mr. Disrastt on unexpected diffidence. The House felt, like Englishmen, that whether we could defend Canada or not, it was due to the gallant and loyal Canadians to assure them that we meant to try, and the Quebec fortifications were voted by 275 to 40. The Larger Bentinck, who had moved an : ma walked out of the House “ amid ironical cheers. VOL, XLVIII. re)

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126 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Aprin 1, 1865. Then, we are sorry to say, there was a Parliamentary scene, and | one of them, is said to have uttered an impatient execration. Now, as no- Punch fears that he cannot compliment his friend the E on having been as autocratic as a S er should be. The question was unimportant, but Mr. Denison should have been very important. Manners Sutton or SHaw Lerevre would have made short work with Hennzssys and Lycons. However, perhaps the right honourable gentleman was not well (the weather was an excuse for anything), and it was by tenne and he may have been tired. But in future, please, he must be a Despot. ; y The Bill for abolishing the oaths which Dissenters do not like to take on assuming municipal office was read a Third Time and passed, and will heir Lordships SPEAKER, be rejected by the House of Lords at an early date. like to set the schismatics swearing. Friday. Quite right, Loxps Matmessury and Suarressury, if a istrate sends a man to a lunatic asylum, on the certificate of one doctor, when the law demands that of two, that Magistrate must give a good maece why he should be retained in the Commission of the eace, The practices. all case must be fully understood. Ala h debate. Cuter Justice Monacuan, one of the best. and ablest of the Hibernian Judges, is accused of having got out of temper with .the ‘Magistrates of the County Down, and in reply to y ever swears in Ireland, the pious nation is hideously shocked. Of course, the alleged words (though, if they were used at all, were used in a way which made them utter nonsense) were excessively indecoro but Mr. Cocan stood up like a gen for an absent and hono rsonage, and demanded full information. There was a wrangle, but 1k Ropert PExEt’s love of fun for once was opportune, and somehow, between jest and earnest, he squenched a demonstration dictated by something like spite. _ : The Blue Book Grievance was ventilated. Any Member can get almost anything printed, at the expense of the country, and an awful expense the House printing is, and some cheaper than the Blue Books might be used for wrapping up butter. Ewart deserves plaudit for raising the question, and also for introducing a quotation which was very apt, and which was new to the House. We cite it, remising for the information of all our readers but one, that Mr. WART was illustrating the uses to which Parliamentary documents are turned, and, for the information of Mr. Cox, that siper, means pepper, and not, as he may imagine, a performer on the bag-pipes. “Cum scriptore meo, caps& porrectus apert& Deferar in vicum vendentem thus, et odores, Et piper, et quicquid chartis amicitur ineptis.” ey Ze’ CA | Y=: De \= ff 74 1 f p// 7 EXCUSABLE. Count Franco, HAVING BEEN SHOWN THE StaTUES oF ouR INDIAN HEROES, IMMEDIATELY INFERS THAT HE SEES A COLOURED ONE OF THE LaTE LoRD CLYDE. THE ENFIELD’S GOOD-BYE. or nitrate of times the ex ve force of that now in use, and one-half cheaper.”— Vide Standard, &c. Eacx dog has his day, So they (When the sun shines then As it is in such trifles As dogs, ’tis in rifles— There paragraphed, then thrown away. Brown Bess first came out ; She made in the obo t, e le in the papers a rout, But her bullet so lax is, It won’t keep the axis, And terribly wabbles about. The Minnié came, too— _ Something new— And made a tremendous ado, Its ving was spiral— Some said it would fire all Its bullets a mile—some said two. We the Enfields’ eon engage— e rage We became, and just suited the age : The Commons, the Peers, The troops, volunteers, Lorp Extcuo, and Carrain Hoop Pace. But, alas! the ba change— ur range Is too short now the foe to derange ; And so WuiTwortH ’s grooving (With Ricwaxps’ improving The breach) has come in as a change. Never mind! out of date, e wait To be shelved, not too early or late. hen they ’re bringing a mess in Of potash and resin As powder, who ’d mourn such a fate ? say let him make hay). A PRETTY PLAYTHING. REAtty this piece of intelligence from Paris looks very Oriental :— ‘The Emperor, during the day, received in private audience the Count pr MoLTKE Hotrratpr, to his Majesty, M. px BLuums, charged to the Kine or Denmark has conferred on the remit the collar of | the ‘Order of the ‘Hoptant whee, Prince Imperiau.” But perha tobe rded badge or d — as a or decoration such as an Asiatic on the object of his sublime consideration. The truth may of that bauble intended it as a toy for the amusement of suitable to his tender years. prt the “collar of the Order of the Elephant,” which the Parmce cE has been presented with by the Kine or Denmazk, is not tentate would bestow that the Royal donor And then there ’s a change in the lead— @ Tis sai They ’re making some hard stuff instead— So -bye. This will last Till the fashion is past, And something else comes in the head. Dr. Colenso, Please Inform. At Florence, the poet Dau’ Oncara has been reciting verse, in which he stated that “ the first speech of ADAMO was lo amo.” Was it addressed to the beasts, and did it NAPOLEON, mean, “ How tame?”

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Sere rpPedheaeer NTT Sea Hee Ue Aprit 1, 1865.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. LiZZ/ WT MILT TTT) EXTRACT FROM EVALINA’S LETTER TO HER COUSIN. *‘T QUITH AGREE WITH YoU, Dark, THAT THE VIGNEITE IS FAR PREFERABLE TO THE CaRTE DE VISITE, FOR ANY GIRL WHO Has Pre- | TENSIONS TO Goop Looxs. I ENCLOSE MINE.” INTERESTING PICTURE SALE. Awone the numerous cee auctions of the season few have excited more interest than has been occasioned by the dispersion, under the accomplished hammer of Messrs. CuarreR AND Durrsr, of the in- teresting collection of works of art lately egy to Mr. Prurry PivmMer, Poulterer and Grocer, at Wapping, and of which he has generously divested himself, through the agency of the Court of Bank- ruptcy, for the benefit of various residents in that district, to whom he considers himself largely indebted in the way of gratitude and otherwise. The sale took¥ place on the premises, on Tuesday last, and was largely attended by the eminent connoisseurs and dealers of Wapping. We have space to note only a few of the lots, and the prices they fetched. Lot 27. View of the Great Exhibition of 1851, on wood, from the lid of a workbox. 3d. Lot 29. 4 Valentine, richly coloured, and opening to disclose Hymeneal rites, mounted on spelling-book cover. 8d. A gem. Lot 30. Interior View of the Thames Tunnel, eurrested to be lighted by a candle, — damaged. 24. Lot3l. The Lord Mayor's; Show, a very long and elaborate work, faithfully representing the superb civic festival; with portraits. After severe competition, this valuable his- torical work was knocked down at 4d. ‘ Lot 35. Oremorne Gardens, with balloon ascent, elegantly mounted on varnished card, but slightly’ fly- blown, it is presumed Loe exposure in the window of a hostelrie. A superb and conscientious work. 6¢. Lot 39. Wapping Old Stairs, with copy of Drspin’s beautiful poem, exquisitely printed by Carnacu. The local interest of this picture produced a struggle for it, and it ultimately went at 8¢., amid foud cheers for the spirited purchaser, Lot 40. The Licensed Victuallers’ Féte, a d composition, including at least one hundred , likenesses of the most eminent publicans and pub- licanesses. This important master-piece had been cleaned, somewhat hastily, and the soap-and-water had unfortimately removed the back- r and, the legs, pom. gl of the faces, but enough remained to vin- icate the sy of the artist, and the work, with black frame, formerly gilt, went for ls. 6d, The sun suddenly shone into the room at the moment the auctioneer held up the picture, and caused a sensation— some persons being affected to sneezing. Lot 48. Portrait of the late Mr. Liston, as Paul Pry, in the celebrated comedy of that mame; a fine lithograph. There was competition for this, and it was whispered that emissaries from the Garrick Club and the National Portrait Galle were contending, but it was finally secured by a resident for 7d. Lot 44. Copy of “ Sherry, Sir?” by a great German artist, very bril- liantly coloured, and with inscription in no fewer than three languages ; a chef-d’ ceuvre, and also deeply interesting as a of Teutonic Art. 10d, Lot 46. View of King’s Cross, before the demolition of the Statue of His Majesty Gzroncr tas Fourrx. This work, of the Canauertr order, had Cota damaged (like Lzonarpo pa Vinci's master-piece) b having been made a t, but the anctioneer ingeniously pasnom te | that the arrow-holes could be stopped with a little black tty, which he offered to supply at the expense of the estate. The bidding was, however, languid, and the work was bought in. Lot 50. The Execution his fine historical picture, with book of the trial, was felt ‘rather a gallery work than one calculated for a private domestic collection, but its conscientiousness and appalling power asserted them- selves, and it was secured for 8d. by a local member of the Society for the Abolition of Capital Punishment. Lot 57. “ Who is King?” A us! ured work, representing a Twelfth Night festival, with elegantly-attired ladies and gentlemen azine. intensely at a gigantic cake, but gaily holding up glasses of Port wine negus, elicited much e, and was knocked down at 6¢. The fortunate purchaser found, inside, several charming little character-pictures, with quaint », and a dispute arose as to whether they had become his pro- perty. The carelessness of auctioneers in not thoroughly examining every article they catalogue, deserves the severest reprehension. In this case the purchaser expressed such unqualified defiance of the vendor’s suggestions for a re-sale, and intimated so distinctly that if they were persevered in, the knocking down would not be all performed by the auctioneer, that it was considered best to let the sale proceed, with notice that the Lorp CHANCELLOR would be a) to. Lot 60. The Pavilion at Brighton. This marvellous ae of the utility of Art as a handmaid to civilisation, was ‘a triptych, which opened, and dis- closed a nutmeg grater, a paper for ‘kindling lucifer matches, and an almanac for 1839. It was eagerly contested for, and went for ls. 2d. Lot 64. a signed, of black paper cut portrait of a Beadle, name unknown, but the work executed, as the date showed, in the latter part of the mayoralty of Lornp Warruman. 4d. Lot 70. “‘ Something 7. A most animated picture of a dandy of 1820 driving a female with a vast bonnet, in a lofty gig, horse about twenty-seven hands high, and violent action. This was the sensation sale of the day, and the work was at last knocked down, toa sporting publican, at 2s. 3d¢., but the regularity of the transaction being objected to bya broker who had also bid highly, the opinion of the assembly was taken, and at their unanimous suggestion a ring was formed, and a desperate battle ensued, which ended inthe broker’s victory, and the clearing of the room by the intelligent and obliging Policeman Z 218. The proceeds of the day’s sale amounted to £3 11s. 6d.; and as this has to be distributed by the Court of Bankruptcy, it is calculated that about 7s. 6d. will be divided among the eeives. THE REMONSTRANCE OF FATHER THAMES. O Lovety London, what will it avail Clear of my tide thy feculence to drain, Or bid my outfall, if that project fail, Convey it to the disinfecting main ? Faugh! Barnes and Mortlake. Kingston, piff! Ye towns Above, ascending, phew! What ! from your sewers, If fertilising filth my stream embrowns, I’m cleansed of London’s dirt to carry yours. What boots it, if I’m soiled by thee, my Ditton, That Chelsea is forbid to stain my breast ? Windsor forbear ; nor let me flow on, smitten. Infectious with thy sordes, breathing pest. Are you to choke my locks, and clot my weirs, And make my current heavy, thick, and slab, Divert, to agricultural affairs, The tributaries making me run drab. My silver stream corrupt with base allo o longer : spread that matter o’er the field. The richness that my nose doth overeloy, Let Cloacina, pray, to Ceres yield. ‘A Line in Return will Oblige.”’ Tue Times says, in reference to Railway Accidents, “ Communication between the passengers and the guard is a mere matter of a rope. Just so, and if a fatal accident for want of such communication were also made a mere matter of a rope, we should soon have the requisite invention on all the Railways. For Smatz Hovsexerrers.—Life without a groan is like meat without a bone. A Joke without salt (Attic) is like beer without malt.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aram 1, 1865, HUNTING INTELLIGENCE, From Mr, Trrwii1ow fo Mas. Tirwitiow, af Maus. GRoaNzY’s, lapham, 4 My paarzst Berry, Brighion, Friday Night. ‘Tis is perhaps a last farewell! I have engaged myself to do a rash thing, and cannot go back with honour. Exiazeru! to-morrow I am going out hunting (on horseback !) with the “ Harriers” (whatever they may be!). What fiends, cham- paose Sepeiion tempted me to-night to say that I eould ride} A iend of our friend’s here, after dinner, seriously and in good faith offered to “ mount” me. A stout man, six foot four, and weighing nearly 20 stone! and I cannot but think that the horse he is going to lend me, and whose name is Goliath, must be in proportion. Oh, Berry ! think of me on the top of such a monster! me, whom you can carry up-stairs in your arms ! ould they were round me now! And hear there are Se hills, and dales, and possible jumps; and the “ meet” —“h meeting of the hounds and hunters) is to be Wee sce the ten hope 9 ive it, for it shall only you receive or, haply, #f you receive it, for it s' be sent in case of fatal necessity), remember that my last thought in off Goliath was for you and the unconscious twins, now father- Jae can write no more, for I must sew some buttons on my_trou- straps. Farewell, dearest! Tell my mother-in-law I forgave the past. (Ob, — with her !—she’s safer than Goliath !) Farewell ! Mare! (We are happy to say the above was not sent.) From the Same to the Same. My pgarest Berry, ° Brighton, Saturday Night. I nave had the most glorious day I can remember. I’ve been out hunting—on horseback, of course. Yesterday, at dinner here, I met a Mx. Jonzs, and a very jolly fellow he is! We got talking of epost, matters, and on my happening te say I was fond of riding, he offered to mount me, Let me alone for accepting | pa ‘And we’ve been out al. day. and bed onsne a splen- 8 on’t su; ‘ou are Bigs der sn wl ern Fou ona a ig e a ; onzs’s door, the something brought the horses. Mn. Jongs is a much | man and Goliath, the horse I was to ride was immense—I about sixteen feet and a half high, if I am not mistaken. It seems a pe deal, but I suppose he’s about that when he stands on his hind egs (which he didn’t do with me, thank goodness!). The stirru) leathers were tened to their utmost, and when I found myse: across his back, I could just touch the stirrups with the tips of my toes. Mr. Jonzs seemed to think them short enough, and I didn’t contradict him, although I had my own private feelings on the matter. I found, moreover, that I could make a very presentable appearance on the side next to Mr, J ongs, by sacrificing the other stirrup altogether, or especially eping on him- which is easy enough when walking; when galloping, trotting, I’ve no doubt he was too much occupied in Ee self to notice me (if I can judge of him by my own experience). Well, we arrived at the “ meet,” at a very pretty place called “The jina voices, have left an impregsiqn Devil’s Dyke,” and there were the hounds, and lots of men and women on horseback—such a pretty sight! I wish you had been there! The hounds went smelling about, the huntsman in a green coat, uttering singular falsetto noises, s ing a big whip, and now and then blowin a horn; presently they te. +s a manner, and run line, and we followed, : chose a. young green field for wy first gallop, and found it easy eno’ altogether the beautiful fresh air, the manly excrement, Oe tes of the hounds, and the men all crying out ‘‘ warew: wevawat the tops of their never to — a I had hitherto felt rather nervous, fear was banished. rr All of a sudden I saw the : in a little while the hounds went after we all of us gal- i ea ing easier or more ‘nape than galloping ue loped; and eee poncait by Jeve, going the other side, Berry, I can’t conceive, } even at a walk!—and I - ! fortunately behind the rest; for Pas though I managed to stic on, L am afraid I did not do so In quite the usual manner. After a series of these gal- lops up and down, there was a pause. I observed the huntsman get off his horse among the hounds, who were all in a heap at his feet, and ick up the poor hare, who had done somethin * doubling,” - whie prove fatal to her, for she thereby met her doom. * * * I felt ‘very faint, and would gladly have given my day’s sport for the poor thing to have effected its escape. _ In the middle of my dis- tress a very gentlemanly- looking man rode up, and asked me to “cap” him, and not knowing how to do it I was very much put out, For, tunately, an elderly gentle. man saw my em ment, and told me that ™ capping was -a-Cro which f gids although I had great difficulty in getting at it, for my fingers were be- numbed, and already taken up with two bridles and a maine whip. 1 wouldn’t have dropped that whip, with nobody but myself to a of my horse and pick it up; no, not for all the hares m Here Mr. Jonzs gave me a pull at his sherry flask and*a bi then we set out after another : more up and down hill, de- lightful galloping along occasionally level, plains ; on one of these was

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tT el ie I et et ee Aram 1, 1865] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a sheep-fold, with a wooden railing near it, a very desperate leap in fact; the huntsman who rode in front o: me jumped over, and a sudden inspiration prompear me to follow. I held my breath and went at it; m going over all my past existence revealed itself to me as ina single flash, when we t on the other side, I and I was still following the huntsman, and still on Goliath, Iwill own to you, Berry, that I was as much ws we 0 ahaa me a note for my birt , ai patted the faithful 8 neck, and vowed tag, ants ing ing sho By nl, re. . solicitude, bring me up in ignorance of this exciting, 4 daring amusement. Well this hare was masit (without Cebit 1 was im at the death; had I chosen I could have ridden before any one else, or in- deed im advance of the hounds themselves, but |Mr. Jonzs prevented me. I asked him if I might not have the brush to send te you, Berry; but he explained to me that hares have not got one, and I new recollect he was aye He now proposed that we should return to Brighton, and as I fancied I was feeling rather sore, I acceded, though: with regret. The ride home was not ae! means so pean as qrearinsas else had been ; Goliath adopted for the return a of jog-trot which was very dis- Wy Pp aa ‘ AH > ; , the saddle, and when I alighted, upheld by Mr. Jonzs’s hand on my collar, (he is a very strong man), I felt as if I was only resting on the Good unt before niabt, beloved. "tm so sleepy, but nob ab ll tired night, nig’ loved. I’m so y, no’ : must have a natural gift for field sports, From the Same to the Same. Dearest Wirz, Brighton, Sunday. . You must leave everything, and come immediately to the bed- side of yore possibly dying hus' My constitution is irrevocably shattered. I am surrounded by people who h at my woes. The very Doctor, whose mission is to heal the sick and assuage bodily anguish, does not even preserve a decorous _ when I detail my ene. Oh! none but you, Berry; no d but yours can soothe these fearful sufferings. I cannot move a limb without tortures. I am + | doubled in two, Berry; my poor legs are worn away to the bone. Oh tressing. I seemed to grow less and less, and he to become quite camellike ; indeed I was conscions of very ungrateful feelings towards Goliath, which increased in intensity until we reached the stables and dismounted; that is Mz. Jonzs dismounted first, and then dismounted me; for, dear Berry, I was utterly incapable of lifting my leg across never, never more s leg of mine bestraddle the back of a brutal horse. May they both fall off ’ere I again cipate in such barbarous sport as yesterday’s. I am expiating the of the hare who doubled, he is out of her misery at least. ‘ Oh, Berry, wife, helpmate! leave twins, Mother, everything, and come; your Mother even would compassionate me now. Come, oh come, to your , é Wretched, penitent, and utterly excoriated, HusBanp. THE BAKERS’ CLUB. Crus for working men are becoming the fashion, and nobody wishes them “God speed” more heartily than Punch. The Oabmen have theirs; and even the Costermongers have theirs, We are not informed whether they have insisted on the protection of the black-ball and the ballot, whieh is found necessary to keep West-end clubs what they ought to be. And now the journeymen Bakers have theirs. And why not ? Surely those who make the staff of life have the best right to make a club. There is no more over-worked, ill-cared for, and industrious body of workmen in Lon than the journeymen ers, whose club, with a daring defiance of the small wits, has just been opened in Rolls Buildings, Fetter Lane. Perhaps the site was chosen with a double reference to ‘breakfast bread’ and the slavish toil and confinement to which the journeymen bakers were condemned that London might have its hot rolls regularly. Indeed, if the new Club wants arms we cannot think of more appropriate ones than a Roll and a Fetter, im- roper, charged saltire-wise. But_the Bakers’ Club wants a lift; 250 would set it we OS its legs. Let everybody who has been in the habit of eating hot for breakfast, and has thereby impaired his own health, as well as that of the journeymen bakers, give a shilling, or even a penny, to thi d cause, and the trick is done, Such contri- butions a more fairly be called “ conscience money,” than the arrears of Income-Tax which one now sees so often paid under that name to the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER. GREAT FALL IN CRINOLINE. MADEMOISELLE Hausmann, the daughter of the potent Préfet dela Seine, was married the other ‘without a vestige of Crinoline.’ Does the daughter mean to assert her empire over steel and stiffening, as the father asserts his over moed/ons and mortar ; Mademoiselle defying the dress-makers as Monsieur defies the dwellers in Paris? If so, we must regard this daring act as simply a symbolic expression of the ride of the Havsmanns, which sets its heel even on fashion, as the an Emperor trampled PRiscran underfoot with “Zo sum Imperator * a sum super mmaticam.? Or does MADEMOISELLE HavsMann mean to imply fat her Crinoline is out of place now she been transformed from a Hausmann into a “ Haus.frau,” or “ House- wife” in plain English P

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Arriz 1, COZ [Nao zZ 5 SZ > VZLIL7 ) Lol ~~ = \ \ Ws SG ae ZA gi ZF OK“ Private Flannigan, “Sauns, Sor, I ntven ——.” Wrer WEY 4 WUMLd Pe | A VERBAL DIFFICULTY. Irritable Capiain. “Your BaRREL’S DISGRACEFULLY DIRTY, Sm, AND IT’S NOT THE FIRST TIMB; I’VE A GOOD MIND TO ——.” Captain (Irish too). “ Srumnoz, Str, WHEN YOU SPAKE TO AN OrriceR!” THE COLENSO JUDGMENT. 20TH MARCH," 1865. PiLeAsED BETHEL. showed the treble flaw. ** Bishops are Creatures of the Law. Though the Great Seal in °53 Was freely used by Cranwortu, C. T think my friend could hardly mean To give what.was not in the QuzEn. I don’t exactly know, or care, What entities called Bishops are, Though doubtless yes may pray and preach, Or (like 8, Oxon) make a speech, But Jurisdiction can be lent Only by Crown and Parliament, Which joined in ’47 to shape A Constitution for the Cape. Therefore the acts of Dr. Gray Are nothing more than priestly play. He says Nava has sworn an oath : What childish nonsense in them both ! Coenso had no right to swear Obedience to an empty chair, And Gray no title to exact A compact that was bosh, in fact. There ’s not a shade of doubt, we feel, About Cotenso’s just appeal, And we shall certify the Crown That he’s all right, and Gray’s done brown,” INTERESTING TO THE TuILERIES.—M. Victor Hueco is engaged in composing the Life of the Emperor Trsertus, the third of the— Casars. From M. Hvuco’s incisive way of treating Imperial biography, a piquant treat may be expected. IN THE (P. M.) GAZETTE. Our smart young friend, the Pall Mali Gazette, who apes, with considerable success—allowing for the inevitable second-hand smack that all imitations must have—the superfine airs of our sour old friend, i~ Saturday, in a notice of Mr. Artemus Ward, His Book, has the ollowing :— ‘* Except in the poorer numbers of Punch, and similar perio icals, it would not be easy,” &c. dc, Now, we wish to remind our young friend that there is no “ similar periodical” to Punch, and that though one number of the Pall Mall Gazette may very properly be described as poorer than another, the proper form even for depreciative comparison for Punch, is not “poor, poorer, st,” but “rich, less rich, least rich” While we have our young friend in hand, as he is evidently proud of his Latin, his University training, his typography and getting up, and all that concerns himself generally, we may as well remind him that “* Vious defuncto narrat Casare de Cesar” (see p. 9 of his Number for March 22, four lines from the bottom), won’t scan. If we adopted his own style, we should say :— ** It is rather cool of the Pall Mall Gazette to call this halting hobble an amended popes g of even M. Ponsanp’s lame epigram, “ Mortuus est vivus, narratur CasaRE Of course, the Pall Mali Gazette is suffering under a printer’s error; and the line should ran— “ Vivus defuncto narrat de Czsarr Cassar.” Having corrected the press for our young friend, how would he like it if we were to ask, in his own style, “ How is this? Cannot the Pall Mall Gazette afford a ‘Reader ?? Oris it possible that the Reader of a periodical apparently intended for tolerably educated people can not scan a hexameter ?” A Poursz without money is like the comb without the honey.

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— a a oe,

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Apnrit 1, 1865.

MY wWQ WS SQ 999° 5 ~~ = a eS * os Wa = See Ses <S ~~ SS et \ \ w =~ SS \

BisHor or Care Town. Lorp CHANCELLOR, Bisuor or Nara. THE COLENSO JUDGMENT. “COLENSO HAD NO RIGHT TO SWEAR AND GRAY NO TITLE TO EXACT OBEDIENCE TO AN EMPTY CHAIR, | A COMPACT THAT WAS BOSH, IN te 5 ~ SS SS SSS SSS SS FACT.” See p. 130.

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Aram 1, 1865,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 133

THE MUSIC HALL QUESTION. (Before a very Select Committee.) in, Sat the important question ef Dramatic Licences mah Sine occupy the attention of Parliamen nes deputed to visit eux t acquainted with the ntative case with which they vol have to deal. | tne with Logp Srpygy at a restaurant in the | the Locks in the Vice-Chair, the Committee were BopuaM wearing his Orders for the | of amusement. in a body, waited upon the Lonp CHANCELLOR, who, acco to previous ment, spent a con- siderable time i examining them, and in taking down such evidence as careful i bservation had enabled them to give. explained to them that the question was, Committee had witnessed, was a Dramatic the Act. Bither it was, or it was not, all yg ai ieonaeeen to the interests of the community generally, be own their im of amusement, “a me fresh, in what were courtesy termed, their minds, d call upon the Tier Lory ‘or THE TReasury, and would = him ooh meaning, if any, did the Ballet at the Alhambra convey to Tr being Select, Connie ia ~ RD PALMERSTON, See anit, Gene, cheating from Mar. ae — whichjwas‘immediate sappresed y the Lorn CaancE.1or, sail the notion conveyed to his was that of a race-course. The Lorp CaaNcELLor inguired what his Lordship meant. LorD PaLMerston explained, that the idea of a race-course had been forcibly brought, before him by the Ballet, because he did not recollect ever having seen, in one place, such an assemblage of “ Legs.” Here Branp, having borrowed the Hoy. Evetyn AsHizy’s pooket-handkesshiaf, ‘wherewith to stifle his emotion, was led out of the room = latter gentleman. x tried to one te joke to Mr, Vircent Scunty, who hat just begun to grag EaRL Reweas sal that “% didn’t recollect any particular notion hang coeeees to an by A mene mncine. ie pressed, — must own e wasn’t atten, very closely to it, as he was engaged in writing letters to the Maitre de Pallet. The Logp Caancunion ished to know if his Lordship’s impressions were conveyed in these notes Ears Saal wished to Al that he had only written these letters im his ie cogemty of Foreign Secretary. He was rather fond of writing sy Guapstone said he would divide it into three heads-— The Lonp Cuance.ior observed that it would be more convenient if he would confine it to one—bis own, What impression did the Ballet convey to the t Honourable Gentleman’s mind P Mr. GLADSTONE sai ghost Ballet s ted Budget. Both with B, hing couldn't h Sp thinking of hes own Novelty for Easter. badge at the Alhambra, he was engaged i qualita whet ba coabl The Lonp Cuancettor suggested that te CHANCELLOR OF THE EXcHEQuER tad invented a new tax upon his (Lonp Wxstsugy’s) time and patience, He might stand down, Sin Grorgz Grey said, that while witn the spectacle in ques- Y 1, the idea had te hin that ite olice were dressed in a costume, it would be very cold for them in winter. "ie. Vincent Scuxty said that the Ballet-girls held up It reminded him or the Wrongs of Ireland, The Lorp would, he hoped, excuse these tears The Lop CHANCELLOR observed, that there was a certain class‘ of people for whom one must always make allowances. ion, said that he thought the te erty ts Aig He oS a = ought it was ee cya gl ew into a few statisties. If there were 100 Ball Babeigis it is probable tat each dancer consumed two or more glasses of wine, spirit, or malt liquor during the ane. This gave an ave consumption of at least ceased aio (le ne or_or another. Now, supposing an in- the witne es ck et a ha Arey CRLLOR said, that, without any wish to extol or dis pee ah es mongve, "ct ata ion, of Haaren. As the heed was, pennant. not a of form, he must} t ant pooling mg for Cerlile ~ 9g Be Sader for Mz. Lawson’s ry agg give them ue meena spirits, and malt liqu oy the interruption, tg S ‘believed the ye: onourable reen leaves. HANCELLOR ny - OP Rae do with eadisunn saimsta ta quite hal his element. wo hundred > their | much ete eee

Mr. Berxexey said that the Ballet apn wt 3 him o the : The Witness was de Lopp CHanceLion, ander ¢ Sm £. B. Lyrron read ot eek eetn: the

REMANDED TO NEWGATE. * ALDERMAN Stowz moved, and ALDERMAN Paseeome seconded, an inquiry into the system of treating prisoners under remand in Newgate.” My Aldermen, py Aldermen, re ie | "re yo constantly | in, grief— Dect tf be od of mano hard ah en, —sentence it, nomenon fat is green | t Pah a run your addle-pates eat poe ss Savomons’ ete) cries “ ditto” unto Stone, ’s sins your noodledom ’s ted to condone. Y turnke: to deal with mani + grr? treat, alter conviction, $o our * olan old, hand,” . fs ey their prison-cells, and eat the omens fare, hefne seating upon cutting their meat, if not their hair Just at. my stupid span, were one of you remanded— tartan ti thing, ye' ——. a ptatio runs Res ity will wil sometines den drive its gig to— come nse your in evil day, 80 far in life i seal bes before trial * ag oye plight Ty A... wo! an I*veno Phe tye sentence you would own you'd every right ote. And pera Sy Memrpraer bag w same And that what is sauce for Geese of rated vee apne Would be also sauce for Ganders, yourselves, if in like case.

A NOT MUTE IF INGLORIOUS MILTON. odd mi rate e papers of 4 we do not remem! NEW SACRED EPIC, 1 =e PAB DISE LO8. A FORM, in Tee ae saeee ‘eb, 25, ed; <a lbs. Still, the Poem pe a bhi success, and may even ie ee a few Mr. J. yr his pub- ois, 0: Gnas, tn, bene inane eich. 0 natien'08 Do's which we do see in the Jpurneia of tha day, of a * Now Sacred Epic F , aS an address the

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134 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aram 1, 1865. a WG aw . TY Na € “4 7 - — NY w> ! KS \ KS ANN \Y Auten’ \ AQ vibe « Bash 4 Vi, DY y) SOSA AG ' | ' : wa \ \., ; \ RNS, fo RA Set THE COUNTY BALL. y) \\ U t) Y ¢ Town Belle. “I tixe tam OLD QuADRILLE Bast (maliciously) IT’ EASIER TO CONVERSE ——. Bashful Provincial. ‘On, Yms, AND IT’S SO MUCH SOONBR OVER.” Sa Ny Vo Y 4 \\ NY XN fh \ \ Se CASAR TO NAPOLEON. De life ob Cassar, Siar, you write ; Now Casar song your book requite : You try to help de Porg ob Rome Out ob de fix him in at home, But, whatsomedebber you propose, De way him answer always goes : Non possumus, O hab you’m ’Perial Majesty Heard ob de Possum up a tree, And dat ar Colonel ob renown Dat stand and call, “Jis you come down?” De Possum sot and wink him eye, And to de Colonel him reply, ; 0m possumus. ** No Possum you?” de Colonel say, “ Don’t talk to me in dat ar Tink I mistake you for a aeont! We'll see about soon.” Meanwhile de Possum, up on high, Kep on a larfin, while him ery Nom possumus. But when de cunnin’ critter seed De Colonel on him draw de bead, Him holla, “ Colonel, don’t you fire, And I will do as you desire ; Dat nassy rifle only lower, I come down, Possum ; say no more Non possumus.” De ole Porz in the Holy See Jis like a Possum up a tree ; He won’t come down for all you say : But jis you take your sojers ‘way, De Pore will den agree to treat, And not no more keep on re on possumus, SNS 4) Nk ey Spirits for the Army. In the Committee of Supply on the Army Estimates, a vote of a considerable sum was taken for the Disem- bodied Militia. Recruits for this branch of the Service may gy be obtained by application at the Office, fe R 6, ,Basinghall Street, E.C., of the “ Spirit-Power itute. 8 80 MUCH THE STAGE FROM THE FRONT. Ws have seen comedies in three acts, tragedies in three acts, and dramas and operas in three acts, but we never saw a joke in three acts until we went to the Haymarket Theatre the other night to witness the Woman in Mauve, , Warts Puruirs, the author of this ponderous piece of pleasantry—this well-meaning, but very unsatisfactory and somewhat vulgar attempt to ridicule sensational literature—has either not completely grasped his subject, or has played fast and loose with his mission as a reformer in order to pee the groundlings. The Woman in Mauve is a broad and improbable farce of the old Surrey type, tacked on to a burlesque in plain clothes, which is little more than a feeble copy of Mr. Tom Taytor’s Sensation. All the science and mechanical tricks of the so-called “sensation drama” are carefully 1 to increase the effect of the —~ though “sensation” writers, like Mr. Witxre Coxins, Miss Brappon, and others, are attacked in the dialogne. The lime-light is laid on with the utmost liberality. At the close of the drama on the first night, Mr. Bucxstonz made a speech, in which he said that the few hisses which had greeted the piece were the work of an organised clique, who were acting from private motives. Mr. Bucxstone was correct. No one hisses any actor or any piece in these for purely critical reasons. Mr. Buckstone might have gone er, and have denied the right of the public to hiss under any circums' . There is hardly a privilege which may not be lost if not used for a certain period, and a public which has not hissed for twenty years, deserves to have its right of hissing questioned. — The real Irish drama has again “taken the floor” against all comers, and “ Arrah na Pogue,” or “ Arrah na Brogue,’—we hardly know which to call it—is now the staple entertainment at the Princess’s. Juatice has been done to Ireland by importing native actors and super- numeraries to work the play, and play the work, and the author has done justice to himself oy writing an origi humorous, pathetic, iwell-constructed drama. The scenery, the stage management, andthe acting—the latter with one or two exceptions—are admirable. There is a brogue upon the stage which is like the whiskey got upon an emergency from the public-house round the corner,—you can never tell whether it is Scotch or Irish. Such a brogue is not heard at the Princess’s. The maximum of good dislogay, good situations, and characters is iven with the minimum of “sensation,” but still there is a “ sensation.” The author climbs a lofty prison wall in a way which is either sugges- tive of the tread-mill or the ascent of Mount Parnassus. The last scene—a lovely expanse of rock and which is most artistically inted by Mx. Luorps, is called “The Keep! The Ivy Wall! The atch Tower!” As this hardly explains the locality, we beg, out of — to the scene-shifters and machinists, to call it The Gulf of Car- pentaria, MILL’S POLITICAL LOGIC. Mr. Jonn Sruart Mrit, in reply to an invitation to stand for Westminster, addressed to him, on the of a committee of electors of that borough, by Mr. James Brat, written a letter, which, if Mr. Punch had not done something of the same sort before, might be regarded as a Phage: unique model of the proper answer to such a request. Mr. Mix acknowledges the honour done him by his fellow- subjects in asking him to represent them, consents to undertake, as a duty, the onerous task which they desire him to perform, if they persist in desiring him, points out the circumstances which pobre might be considered to disqualify him for the office, tells them that he can spend no money to get returned, and will not even canvass the constituents. Finally, Mn. Mii indicates the persons whom _he conceives to be fitter to represent Westminster than himself. The manly seriousness of his conditional ——. of the proposal to allow himself to be ~~ in nomination, stands in fine contrast with the cringing cajolery of those abject supplications which the majority of men who aspire to become Members of Parliament usually address to the “‘free and independent electors.” Mr. Miu bas answered the solicitation to represent Westminster just as Mr. Puach would have answered an entreaty to represent London. Only Mr. Punch could not have named anybody so fit to do that as himself.

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Arrit 1, 1865.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARITVARI. . v/] 7 % a y -@) — Ve tecae — I rt \ ee Qi Y ZZ! YZ j ) (Za eee TAKE IT OUT OF HER.” A PROFESSIONAL OPINION. Mamma. “TI aM QUITE AFRAID OF YOUR GOING OUT ON THAT Marg, Ciara, DEAR.” Unele Charles (goes about as straight as the Crow flies). ‘ONLY FresH! JUST LET THEM GET ON TO A GOOD ScENT, AND WE’LL SOON A CATALOGUE OF SINGERS. (Being an Operatic echo of the Catalogue of Ships.) Sinc, O Muse! and rehearse the names of the Opera Singers, Singers engaged by Gye many-counselled, wary, and prudent, Gre, of Costa the friend, the tamer of wild primadonnas : Sing, in hexameter verse, the verse adopted by Homer. First in the list stands Parr, the bright-faced, clear-throated Parrt, Parti the charmer of men and pet of the Gods (in the Gall’ry) ; She as Amina will sing, as Adina, Norina, Zerlina ; She in the Magic Fluée will assume the part of Pamina, All these names bearing rhyme to her own pretty name Adelina. Next shall we have the good luck of hearing the delicate Lucca : Sudden she flitted last year, being ill—many doubted the reason, Hinting she left in a huff: but who ’d doubt the word of a lady ? She Valentina will‘play, and the principal part in I’ Africaine, » Latest of MEYERBEER’s works, which critics long have expected. Who cometh third on the list? *Tis the honey-tongued Mrozan- CARVALHO: She as the Star of the North will shine, the fair Caterina And will make love and go mad, the victim of Faust and Mephisto. All these three have we heard : but a name that is new is GaLLeTTi; Covered with laurels she comes, and as Norma will make her débit here Norma by Pollio loved, and deserted for Adelgisa. ix fair maids are engaged, whose names are new to us also: From Munich D’Epgtszere, to play Fides in Le Prophéete, From Berlin D’AnNa, to sing the contralto song J/ Segreto, From Milan Berrnr will come, from Moscow the maiden Honore, From Lisbon Brancut the fair, from Italy fair SonteRt ; These are new singers all, and doubtless are pleasant to look at : These great Punch will adore, if their looks be as sweet as their voices. Sing we now of the men: ’mong whom stands Manrzro foremost, Sweetest of tenors is he, and, whenever he singeth, the great Punch Sucks in his honares tones, as the bluebottle flies do the treacle ! Wacutkt too will appear, the far-famed shouter of high notes, Splitter of ears in the stalls, but charmer of Gods (in the Gall’ry) : They, being farther away, can enjoy a robustious bawler. Tasca from Naples will come, and from famed SaccoMANNo : Known for a tenor the one, and the other a baritone singer, Scumup the deep-toned will appear, and Crampt the humorous buffo, Roncont more humorous still, for far less forced is his humour, TaGuiarico the tall, and the tenor-tongued Neri-BaRALDI; Porontnt, FattA, Graziani, Gasster, ATTRI— Names with no epithet joined, that all in a line we may lump them. These wi TA command, the tamer of wild primadonnas : Costa, whose well-trained band obeyeth each beat of his 4d¢on, Like as the general world obeyeth the voice of the great Punch. Musical Notes and Queries. Tue Monday Popular Concerts have become so vastly popular that extra Monday Concerts are now given on a Saturday. Perhaps on the same ——— e there will be, next year, an extra Shrove Tuesday or two, which, to please the pancake lovers, will be holden on a Fry-day. A new singer, Signor F'aua, is announced at Covent Garden. What a chance for all the Swells to try and make a little joke about his being a nia | “ falla!” Who knows but Sienor Fat-1a may be fol- lowed by Sicnor ToxnpEro. or Sicnor Rumi Lopiry,? INTERNATIONAL POUNDING. Ir is calculated that a shot which will do any ee against—that is to say, any harm to—an iron-clad, must cost about twenty pounds. - This fact should occasion a change in the nomenclature of gunnery, so that when a shot is called a twenty-pounder, that denomination shall be taken to mean twenty pounds sterling.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON [Apri 1, 1865. CHARIVARI. unreaso) gentlemen who, because they know Roman Catholics that are therefore judiciously ready to deride, with the view of cushioning, any proposal for (MORE OF MR. NEWDEGATE. O Ma. Newpzcare has drawn down upon himself the ven- fre of all the Saints that b aon ae avons en the rest. He has fresh punishment for receiv the im for a on the 8 Bisuor U! thrash North’ pulp tas be Peace a convent, THORNE wre tO beat him into submitting it it to we en of private it LANGDALE has now into him with the making him produce, = a competent tribunal, that By ome whieh he had to lay before a Com- the House of How unfair of Mz. Newpreata"toYdecline the invitation of BisHoP Uxta- THORNE and Mr. LAnGpate to i monastic establishments to be offered a of mons. nunneries, and allow his conduct is, how justly it merits the scoffs of all aris! on those gentlemen’s own terms! Ose Exquisite legislation, and_even for in based on the supposition that their creed, like any = gion possibly ebtnlst t with official misconduet ! Not to consent to inspett conv and gabmit the evidence ~~ them to scrutiny on - treme te F posed by Bustor ‘oP ULLATHORNE and Ai rea obility and cogetlga treat the agg hI frolic Atenonsus Li- n but nace is also any reason eg ap pan being asking ont tented tnd convent Py oa s authorities P op the Council of Trent, meri ae that anyt any : suspeating ents iret oe can of ember fo pa ie een ng that us spe -y ut the “ 5 geatlemien bul ure t . - o ineilt which - subjects, by sing uestion james monastic institutions c os of not "mot te A tye! utation cast on their sisters. It lies that the = which they revere does not exempt ot from requiring to be looked after, like ote X Pool e, its etelesiastics, who rule their consciences, and om some of them can as tched | tenderly be led by the nose as asses are. w of before A Barrister and a Brother. Tr will be penelionted that, a short time a a gentleman of colour was tted to the American pro- fessional brethren, Semen will not ‘aaete | his presence in their company at the ite House. For the rece tion of the darker class of American citizens, there should s rewpecting | also be a Black House at Washington. How liows, are A Bonnzrt without a face is like the grand-stand without a race, COLENSO THE BRAVE. BY OUR OWN MONK LEWIS. A Bisnor so wise and a Native so tame Conversed in an African mead, Coxzwso the Brave was the Sufftagan’ 3 name, But the pensive Zulu’s is not given to fame, And they talked upon questions of Creed. * O hush those iy, airy the Suffragan said, *€ Offensive to Church and to me,” But something the Native put into ‘his head He mused on at board, and he mused on in And he talked of the same in his See. be on to England the Suffragan flew, 4 ublished some tomes full of lore, writ br +7 ht on his Lordship each savage Review, a sceptic, some called him untrue, poh eed he ’d been answered before. A dreadful sensation, too dreadful to tell, To the bench of the Bishops he gave As when Mr. WuitwortH yey a But they rallied, and all in a body th To demolish Cotenso the Brave. From the demon-haunted, a spectre arose, It was clad in a mantle of Gray, And it stalked to Conenso, and said, “ I depose A t who can propagate volumes like those !” ut a stern Apparition cried, “ Nay!’ bie shell, In a voice full of sweetness, but cold as a stone, “ T forbid you to touch him!” it said, “ You are phantoms alike—if you want fiesh and bone Go pray Three Estates ; for a Monarch, alone, Ts nought to the Church but a Head. ** He is free to return to his pensive Zulu, By whom it appears he was posed, He owes no allegiance to LonGizy or you : Behold me, and know what I tell you is true!” Then a Chancellor’s face was disclosed. The sentence was final, and left not a doubt, His smile of derision they saw : The lawyers ran in and the lawyers ran out, They hooted and mooted the Temple about, But no one could challenge the law. And while all the Bishops look awfully grave, Dancing round them Dissenters are seen, Their liquor’ 8 Capé-port, and as horrid a stave They chant, “ To the health of Conenso the Brave, And his Convert, the Native so clean!” A BULL ON THE LINE! In Ireland you can’t have evena Railway without the risk of a bull making its appearance on it. Si C. O’Locuien on Wednesday Pe ht in a Bill to compel Irish Railway Companies to run trains on undays. The answer was, that the Sunday trains between Limerick and | Waterford (which Str Coxataw had in his eye) had been laid off because nobody travelled by them. But Sm Coxman insisted, and Mr. Rosz- BUCK argued that ‘‘as Railway Companies obtained ex: ceptional privi- leges, they ons not to Swen 5 one tional oo. ho ever heard of any but an Iris way Company reduced to pra: that it might not be forced to run . eine by which nobody travelled, or any but an Irish Member—or Mr. Rorsuck—asking for a law to compel Companies to run trains which have been laid off use it was found nobody went by them ? Put that im your Pipe. Ir is announced that the 1st of wis will be celebrated at Odessa by the copa of a grand exhibition of tobacco. We anticipate the remark, which will no doubt be generally made, that this extensive display of samples of the fragrant weed val present the spectator with numerous bird’s-eye views.

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Apriz 8, 1865.) PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

STI A NAUGHTY PAPA. Young Mother. “ Just TAKE HIM, CHARLES; YOU'VE NO IDEA WHaT a WEIGHT ica HE Is!” Paterfamilias, “My DkarR GIRL, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING OF; TEN TO ONE I S830ULD DROP IT DOWN aND Break IT TO Pieces.” SS V4 ¢ A Y/ Vj y V4 j COLLIITL Nb A PRETTY JOB FOR A PRINCE. THE office of Mason, performed in laying a foundation is generally esteemed worthy of a Royal P 5 and considered to be one which he may with propriety be requested to accept. Mankind at large may be less unani- mous in the opinion that a certain other function, of a need- ful, but also of an unsavoury nature, is one which Princes may be solicited to undertake consistently with due regard to their dignity. There was something peculiarly British in the taste which invited the Prixce or Waxzs to open the Southern Main Drainage Works on Tuesday last, by starting the engine which was then, for the first time, to deliver their contents into the Thames. This complimen- tary loyalty is much of a muchness with that which cniainally id Hex Masesty the honour of naming the sewer of Victoria Street the Victoria Sewer. d was a Prince or Waxes who considered him- self to have “ sounded the 7 base string of humility ” when he consorted with a “leash of drawers.” W. would he have ag of carrying condescension to the depth of acting in capacity which his present suc- cessor deigned to be employed in at the Southern outfall of main drainage-? y Z an A

A MARE’S NEST. ‘We are authorised to contradict the report, that at the , Dinner about to be given to Messrs. TaTreRsay by their | equals and betters, the principal dishes, in imitation of a | modern French whim, consist of horseflesh in various forms. The rumour was too absurd to rouse the anger of the gallant Admiral who will take the helm; indeed one of our most successful jockeys assured us ey a winning | smile) that the tale met with the exact reception it deserved —a horse-laugh. Who should be saddled with the story is not clear. Let him rein in his imagination, or Mr. Punch will give him a bit of his mind. The musical arrangements for the Dinner are not yet <a | completed, but it is understood that an eminent vocalist , SSS will sing “ Zhe Stirrup Cup;” and, in the course of the | ev . , ~t the regen oe Bry Pag be instru- | men pertormances, cons 0! ops, N.B. Nothing so vulgir as “trotters” will be in the | \

Dermirion or “Tue Harry Mean.” —A Joyful | Miser,

IL Y A CESAR ET CESAR. Waen Rome’s first Casar, conquest-flushed, from Gaul, Deep-pondering marched o’er the Cisalpine plain, He whom no stream of slaughter could appal, Upon the banks of Rubicon drew rein. Passing that streamlet which athwart his road Twixt Gaul and Italy as frontier ran He felt that o’er the barrier-line he strode Where servant ended, and where chief began. Our new French C.zsar, bound on like emprise By other arts, came, where there flowed along, The Rubicon which severs truth from lies, Sworn faith from perjury, and right from wrong. Juxtus had stopt: but Louis, calm and cold, Nor paused, nor pondered, nor e’er bridle drew, But reckless how those bitter waters rolled, Dashed boldly in, and, dirt-stained, waded through.

Quiddities. For the Old Ladies.—A Tea-party without scandal is like a knife without a handle. Words without deeds are like the husks without the seeds. Features without grace are like’a clock without a face. A Land without the laws is like a cat without her claws. Life without cheer is like a cellar without beer. without a cane is like a rider without the rein. Marriage without means is like a horse without his beans. A Man without a wife is like a fork without a knife. A Quarrel without fighting is like thunder without lightning. THE EMPIRE OF LETTERS. Henry THe Eicurn, it was remarked, wrote with his _ NaPoLeon THE Ture, it may be said, writes with a bayonet. hen | his Julius Caesar was given to the world, it was graciously announced | that writers were “at liberty” to criticise the work ; in official organs stated that critics were “ invited” to say frankly what they thought of it. Among others, M. Roczarp incautiously e imperial invitation. He freely spoke his mind about the startling feat of authorship the Empzror had performed, and he has been sentenced to five years’ imprisonment for domg so. This is the French notion of Ge freedom of the — a 4 “ invited ” — a book, and upon accepting, he gets shown into a prison, and is officially pre- mats with a pair of handcuffs. To represent - ht the Liberty of the Press, costumed 2 /a mode Francaise, she should be habited in prison garb, with shackles on her limbs, and at her side should stand a huge gens-d’arme, with a drawn sword or bayonet pointed at her breast, while a picture of Cayenne should be prominent in front of her.

Election Intelligence: Tae Hox. Carrarn Grosvenor has been addressing the Westminster Electors in the Temperance Hall, and it is said that, thirsting for a little applause, he is going to invite their wives and daughters to the same a to partake of “the cup that cheers, but not ineburyates.” With a Nobleman—say a Marquis—in the chair, and a brother peer to face him (Westminster is partial to the Adelphi), success would be certain, especially if the Leeds e were to spare, just for one evening, Lorp | AMBERLEY to act as the Captain’s Lieutenant. How the silk dresses | would rustle with excitement! It cannot be contested that against such a combination of talent neither Mit, nor CHapwick, nor | Romity could stand for a moment. |

VOL, XLVI. P

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprin 8, 1865, PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. ONDAY, Marck @. OCRATES- i g's Foxpeecaee PRBEIS'Y att ein g. cated a ithe mee of 9 Sooteh oie ee ye a in the prin 0 é ow Her man, who = wife and cldres, would not sano to do certaim per Agen necessary bringing ou paper on Monday—an i Ww e oar Tr that = regularly read—we should affirm that Beotshman to be a harisee a Humbug. As may be supposed, the decision in the CoLEnso case is occupying the attention of Government, At t, Sr Rounpett PaLMeR can more say what are not than what are the effects of Letters Patent. They are not Letters Potent, as Lonp PatmersTon would say. - Ma. Viturers, for Government, moved the Second Reading of the Union Charge- ability Bill. Its chief object is to prevent landowners, farmers, and others who dislike , or at least dislike supporting the poor, from turning them out of parishes. rate is to be thrown over a group of those districts, so that the neat tidy parish in which the cottages have been pulled down, and out of which the labourers have been expelled, may no longer profit by its Paradisaical exclusiveness. Of course the country gentlemen (many of them against their own sense of justice) opposed the measure, but the Second Reading was carried by 203 to 131. This is nl pe important Bill of the Session, and if passed, the House may expire like ** Looking proudly to Heaven from a death-bed of fame.” an om 7s wey ba jangnage * called —~ irzeralarity, the ouse on an OX spoke against the flogging clause. . Punch has ever the use of the lash upon the British soldier, inasmuch as its true use is for the castigation of the British seoundrel. Mr. Cox was talking, however, for the Finsbury bustings, and for the information of the constituency Mr. Punch begs to state that Mr. Cox did very great mischief to the cause he affected to support. When a man talks insuffi nonsense on the side of reform, he creates a number of new anti-reformers, and when Mr. Cox said that if soldiers were ed for absence from duty, Members of Parliament ought to be flogged for not atten in their places, he excited contempt for himself, and for constituents who could elect such a Wind-bag. The flogging clause was carried by 85 to 42, and Cox may have increased the majority by his vulgar folly. Tuesday. Mx. Barure Cocorane and Mr. Danny Gairrita inserted themselves between the House and a great debate on the Irish Church, much as a rubbishing farce is now played at the theatres before the drama of the night, in order to give people time to eat their dinners and have a cigar. Mx. CocHRane had a personal wrangle with Mr. Giapstong, who-was contemptuous, and Mr. Grirrita made a long speech to prove that the Post-Master General ought not to be'a Peer. As he certainly ought to be in Parliament, and as it is against the law for him to bea Member of the Commons, the House thought, with Mr. Pest, that there was no need for Mr. GrirritH’s motion. Then we had our debate on the Irish Church, Mz. Dritwry, in a sensible speech, urging that its a was unsatisfactory, and called for the early attention of Government. If any person thinks that Mr. Punch is going to diseuss the subject, that person is less wise than Mr. Punch desires all, and beli most of his readers to be. Tazo Donocuus seconded the motion in a neat speech. Sir Georce Grey declared that there was “no practical grievanee.” Mr. Harpy made a ty fight for the Irish Church, and Mr. Gtapstows delivered a kind of two-part oration. f . He was not disposed to take up the subject, or even to promise to do so. It was a question for the future. That is—if Mr. Guapstone should be Premier, he will see how the land lies. Ma, Wurrestps, of course, went in for a fight, He admitted that the condition of the Irish establishment was unsatis-| W. upheld the Church, and made the curious statement that Members for Ulster must be Eg Some Members wished to debate. but it was~adjourned by 221 ta 106 until the 2nd of May, when Mr. GoscHen will resume it, te wy 3 Treland again—and we are reminded of the fable of the Two Mice—the doors are flung open, and in rush “* Butler, chaplain, dogs, and all.” We had the butler last week, on the Spirit- tio’ y we had the chaplain, and ro ona = Bee Trelan ¢ numbers of dogs run wild i. h ScuLLy it is the otters and the Irishmen, instead of the beasts Parliament to kill them, Am Amti-Dog Bill Time. i-Quack Bill, or rather two, Si Sin Joun SHewxer, to their eredit, open a crusade against the low class of Chemists and Drug- gists, whe de inealeulable mischief among the poor, espe- cially in Both the way of children. Bills have the reapestable Chemists send in large number: t, and | of petitions im thew favour, The case stands thus :— . Katty to “It’s not nimio velle, ‘o wish every ist aware of what kills, That when you . go in with a pain in your—stomach, He may not administer for squills.” Sys SHEetiey to Kena, “I’m ou’ve not got a call to look red in the by nee, «? Lancashire : eed, but I’m dealing with reeognised Says Grey, ‘‘ When theysend out Janz, Susaw, or NELLy, To fetch’in a , wise men make their wills, But I humbly suggest unto Smmnizy and Keuy To let one Committee consider both Bills.” Thursday. Low» Knewaren ‘introduced a Bill for placing Metalliferous Mines under inspection, for the benefit of the health of the miners, As these mimes never blow up, no pains is taken to ventilate them. It is well to take thought for the poor Troglodytes. Posterity may like to be informed that this evening we finally and for ever settled the ‘site of the Temple of Law Protest was made against it where no one will see it, but it was answered that the Courts ought to be near the lawyer’s chambers. So we lose in architecture and save in cab-hire. The ATTORNEY-GENERAL explained, at vast length, a Bill for reforming the Irish Courts of Chancery (Ireland again), and Mr. Warresme abused it very much. The debate was protracted, and at the end Mr. WHALLEY tried to s The House made an awful noise at this, and Mr, WHaniey said that it was very hard that they would not let him speak when they did not know what his opinion of the Bill was. May we tell him a little thing which we heard from Mr. Joun Parry, in one of the REED entertainments, “ child, why did you not ask whether your poor aunt's headache was better?” ** Because, Mamma, I didn’t want to know.” Friday. Lonp Snarrespury, in a speech of length, dwelt on the hardships occasioned to the working classes by the destruction of their residences for metropolitan and other improvements. He proposed that ample notice should be given of any intention of demolition. Lorp Repxs- DALE said that the noble Earl’s statement, though inte- resting, was much exaggerated, and that the land of London was far too valuable for thej lower classes to be allowed to live upon it. The ay is to be “considered.” ; Rapuakt’s Cartoons (for which, never be it forgotten, England is indebted to the good Kine Otrver CroMWwELL) are to come from Hampton Court Palace, to be shown at Brompton, to the discontent of the Hampton folks. If they could be seen at the Palace, we should advocate their remaining there, but. the room was not’ built for pictures, and on most English days the Cartoons might as well be shut up. Lorp Sr. Leonanns introduced the subject, and also demanded why statues were not put on the pedestals in the Hampton Palace Gardens. The fact is, there were statues, but (whisper).they have been taken away to adorn indsor. The s are very convenient for putting your hat on while you sit on the grass, also for fat babies whose mothers require rest, and we think, therefore, that > new statues are not {| ae et it td REE O @ bike 1) oe aot Oe | | | | {

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Aprit 8, 1865.) PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 139

Protestant Mr. Newpezcare is in al fright lest the Pops, when ex- Jed from Rome by his devoted children, should come here. Lorp PAL MERSTOM said that every one must feel great personal ‘respect for His og ag but that his coming to England would be a political solecism, in fact o occasion, offered the Vicar an asylum in Malta. We cannot see why he might not come here, and our Coliseum in the Regent’s Park, ins heyy converted vag ng terrace 5 ge sham stone front, might ut into repair for His Holiness. e lake is nearly as “yellow as the Tiber, and the chained eagle would be Be memento of his enemy the Exrzror, the owls would remind him o — . leave — a. statuary Ad <n Vati- in the ascending room he might rehearse his own We think the idea most felicitous. ” Treland again. But if all her patriots behaved as wisely and temperately as Mu. Maguire, we should never grudge her the four days out of five which she now a. He spoke on Tenant-Right, and was by many other Members who dwelt upon the impossibility of regene- rating while a tenant had no fixed tenure, and could ¢laim an anachronism. But England had, on a previous | chan; nothing for improvements. The Irish landlords are a good deal like dogs in the manger. They cannot or will not improve the land, and they refuse such conditions as would justify a tenant in doing so. No bt, such conditions would soon cause a good deal of property to ge hands, but so much the better. Lorp Patmerston waited to —- = - House et ae aa, penn that pe -corent strongly for in » he made a clever s against t right as he chose to describe 1 (the Conservatives pte te but a Committee to look into the working, or rather the failure, of the I vement Acts of 1860. But even this would have let in the Ww question, and Mz. Wurresme got the inaeey again limited to one Act only. Let the wedge in, Gentlemen, and Punch will help you with such a knock. At the same time we are convinced that any of arrangement would be but a tinkering business, to do is to trans all the priests, convert all the ism, and make the Brogue idony.. When.these little reforms Treland will indeed be the first gem of the earth and sort e€ to be carried, first flower of the See of Canterbury.

A WORD WITH JOHN BRIGHT. To the Tune of “ John Brown.” y INCE a y I can a for the Star T’ll quickly send, *Tis oe: paper that repor our speeches best, Joun Bricut: There doubtless [ shall find a reflex of your mind, Which from jarand jangle never to rest, Brieut, Tho’ of war you dis- approve, a wordy war Peon love, And oft in this your prowess you have shown, OHN Bicet ; But it sorrows me to see that, ’spite of good advice from me, The country ¢ most fight with is your own, JoHN RIGHT. Some faults we may have got: we ’ve shortcomings, who has not ? your Y clients all from failing free, Jonw Baicur ? But Joun Buut upon the whole is a very worthy so And I wish the world were all as good as he, Joun Let others vent their spite, and vow we ne’er act right : are many our prosperity offends, Jonw Bricur: We may safely trust our foes our errors to expose, And we need no ill-judged censure from our friends, Jonw Baient. I hate as much as you the silly boastful crew, Who vaunt our very vices to the skies, Joun Bricur: But they who snarl and sneer when from error we are clear, Such critics I most heartily despise, Joan Buicar. T hate the bunkum trick of rowdy rhetoric, That blackens with a breath the whitest acts, Jonw Bricut : And I hate the carping tongue, that twists right into wrong, And from wisest deeds maliciously detracts, Jon Bricur. So prithee mend your ways, nor old England so dispraise, Of unpatriotic rancour clear your breast, Joun Baicur: _ While in comfort here you live, to Jon» Buut some credit give, Tis an evil bird that fouleth its own nest, Joun Baicut. Y you love all other lands above, Why not hasten to that Eden o’er the sea, Jonn Baicur? Prithee go and fraternise with the people you so prize, ho may value you more highly than do we, Joun Bricur. 1 il ) NY \ RIGHT.

Mucx 10 Be Desrrev.—When Constituencies send such men to Parliament as the great writer on Logic, the political Millennium may be expected. SWAINS AND SPARROWS AT SHIPLEY. Tne ignorance of natural history disgracing the rustics who till the soil of certain of Bogland is just equal to the greatness of thei rtamieian tee « knowledge fi Tee ction tlio + the cuckoo a that the slowworm and even the been gy ey A og = omy atts wt y from a oer is an , is boorish which a Beotia in the South ore oS pom = “ SHIPLEY. “Srarrow Civs.—On the 2nd inst. the members of the ire! would be the song for the song-bird i ipley, if their ears were short enough to appre- ciate it. there no gentry about Shipley who take enough interest in their tenants to be desirous of restraining them from doing themselves damage, for want of knowing better than-to attempt the extermination of the little birds? If there are, they should organise some method of imparting the requisite instruction to such louts as those who dined the other day at the Selsey Arms, to celebrate the destruction of 10,807 sparrows and other small birds which they had caused during the past year. It would be a charity to beat, if possible, into the heads of these boobies a calculation of the number of caterpillars and grubs whose increase they must have occasioned by that stupid Somes. A Clodhopper’s Institution, whereat lectures on ornithology could be delivered, might be established at Shipley with some advantage, if the Shipley bumpkins were capable of understanding any lectures. What, however, would probably answer the purpose in view better, be an opposition to the Sparrow Club, under the name of a Caterpillar Club, established to promote the extirpation of mischievous insects by preserving the sparrows, and finches, and feathered song- sters, of which the massacre is encouraged by a society of blockheads. The chawbacons of Shipley understand eating and drinking, if not much else, and if they were annually to meet and dine, their swinish obstinacy might be so far overcome by the influence of a good dinner tape ty a be persuaded to let the little birds live and eat up e vermin,

| GOOD NEWS. Tue Polies are at last beginning to put down street mendicants and imposters. The excitement this invasion of the vested rights of tattered | vagrancy has caused, in Crutched Friars particularly, beggars descrip- tion. The movement, as it affects that crying evil, weeny babies, is yet in its infancy; but the blind, with or without their leading articles, find their steps dogged, and the spurious sailors, decked in nautical attire, are all at sea. eas ate We have reason for believing that the sphere of operations is likely to be extended. Begging the question, especially in the neighbourhood of , Westminster, is no longer to be tolerated. Lame excuses will not be listened to, and all those persons who are wilfully blind, and shut their eyes to the consequences, will be transported, say, to the Cataracts. Any one, after this notice, halting between two opinions (or two lamp-posts) is liable to be brought before the Alderman of Cripplegate, in w worshipful presence he will find himself in a hobble, and without a leg to stand on. As ragged clothes (too often en suite with rents in arrear) are viewed with suspicion, persons out of elbows are cautioned to keep the Police at arm’s lengtia.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Apri 8, 1865, ; 1 ea ‘ Nie 4 it OR SU cam “ta Mahi wi ef NSsZ7V7“ WS . RQMaAws SQ SS A LITTLE FRIGHT. THE BOUNCEBYS GIVE ONE OF THEIR “STUCK-UP” DINNER-PARTIES, AND ARE HORROR-STRICKEN AT THE ENTRANCE OF LITTLE SPADGER IN THE COSTUME OF ‘“‘GENT OF THE PERIOD.” . “ DIDN'T LIKE TO DISAPPOINT you, OLD FELLow, BUT I PROMISED TO Go To FLampornte’s Fancy Ball, so THOUGHT I MIGHT AS WELL KEKP BOTH ENGAGEMENTS !” THE UTILISATION OF FLOGGING, Mar. Puncn, ’ 7 A PaRLIAMENTARY return just issued affords us the gratifying information that the Garotters’ Act of 1863, punishing attempts at robbery, accompanied by violence, with flogging, has not been allowed to remain a dead letter. In the first year of the operation of this salutary measure, under its beneficent provisions, according to the document above referred to, 19 prisoners were flogged in England. Three of those ruffians underwent the unpleasant application of the cat-o’-nine-tails in Coldbath-fields Prison, one at Horsemonger-lane Gaol, three at Kirkdale (Liverpool), one at Salford New Bailey, four in Birmingham Borough Prison, four in Leeds Gaol, one in the County Gaol at Reading, and two at Durham. Out of the three rascals who experienced the ecstasies of deserved flagellation at Kirkdale, there was one, a young villain of 19, who, in addition to four years’ penal servi- tude, had been sentenced to fifty lashes. These appeals to the only tender feeling which a Garotter has, were addressed thereto with such vigour; that the subject of them was completely subdued, and became so deeply affected that the surgeon in attendance was obliged to order him to be taken down from the whipping-post by the time that he had writhed under thirty-six. - The infliction of useless pain, however, is to be deprecated, and the pain inflicted on the nineteen villains flogged in 1863 under the Garot- ters’ Act was not so useful as it might have been rendered. It has had little publicity beyond that given to it by respectable papers, and its exemplary effect, which constitutes its use, has been proportionally limited. Yells and shrieks have, indeed, not been wasted on the prison air, wherein they have doubtless made a desirable impression on many ears; but their vibrations, arrested by walls, have not extended to the atmosphere of thieves’ houses of call, and other haunts of the felonry in the slums. There are objections to public flogging similar to those which would apply to surgical operations. But one thing might be done to give the roughs, who are inclined to be Garotters, some idea of | what the flogging inflicted on a Garotter is. An elaborate ph tograph of the face of every such criminal condemned to be flogged could be taken whilst he is experiencing the sensations excited by the scourge, | at the moment when his features are contorted with their strongest | expression. What a pretty portrait-gallery might thus have been derived ‘from [the nineteen tters who were flogged in 1863! The | police might distribute copies of these sun-pictures amongst those whom they would be calculated to edify; and engravings from them might be published in the low illustrated papers which are principally devoted to reports and narratives of crime. he utilisation of flogging, thus effected, would soen reduce the sta- tistics, so painful to many an amiable mind, of the infliction of that cruel punishment on the poor offender who, for the sake of a little | money, or a watch and chain, has only crushed somebody’s windpipe, | or knocked his front teeth down his throat, or cracked his skull, without Mercy. The Birthday of Uranus. { THe Members of the Astronomical Society dined together on the 20th ult., to celebrate the completion, by Uranus, of his first revolution | round the Sun, made since HerscHEL discovered him, on the 13th of March, 1781, and thus occupying a period of eighty-four years and seven | days, corresponding to the 365 days and 6 hours which this planet takes to perform its annual circuit. The jovial astronomers dr the health of Uranus on his accomplishment of another year, and wished him many | happy returns of the day. CHRISTIAN NOMENCLATURE. Wuat would be the best Christian name for a female street Arab ? ARABELLA,

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“fy te pr. MIN TTT —var- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Apnix 8, 1865. Plutus and Vulcan Accept the Decision of Justice. ARBITRATION BETTER THAN EMIGRATION.

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| Avni 8, 1865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARSVARI. “ Then Bortuwick, the THE SORROWS OF FATHER CAM. et ee cent Triton . Lady Margaret. . . Lady Margaret. . Corpus Christi. . . 8rd Trinity. . Trinity Hall. . « ist Trinity. . 8rd Trinity. : . « 8rd Trinity. . Corpus Christi. PPOOP SEH EAP See wy a 4 oe g > ii e o’ershadowmg willows, + sank gently down in the mud. alone—as a Scholar of Tyrwhitt en examined in Hebrew he sits— On a log that mysterious spirit Smokes in silence, and silently spits. And yet not alone sat.the vision ; There came, as he sat on his log, A wag of delight and submission From the tail of each demi-drowned dog. a) Ss rege a Ee ayy Fit Rae Black eels from his temples were hanging, His teeth were like teeth of a jack ; His lips were inaudibly “ "hes His eyes were all muddy and black ;— And water-snakes, round his neck twining, Were hissing ; and water-rais swam At his feet; so without much divining I recognised Old Father Cam, ** All hail to thee, Camus the weedy !” ha Shy at Eitatonen en: wily? are sO y ad why ors thoes feors fn thinn area?” Then Soy ct’ answered me y; — glory ic is gone ! My prospects, alas! look but badly ; ot a race for four years have I won. “ T have as oarsmen as strong—even stronger— mR when my first uiant whl seek eir arms are as — nger ; Their shoulders py Hy as of yore. Yet the prospects of light-blue look bluer ; Lam being uy swing, form, and time; For who can row well in a sewer. Or pull through miasma and slime ?” Thus murmured the River-god moaning, But I bade him to dry his old eye— * In vain is this weeping and groaning, Let your motto Bapcrighn Fond Though 3 our waves be more foul than Cocytus, Though your prospects, no doubt, are most blue ; ince Oxford is meade} to fight us, We will try to select a good crew. ** My friend Lady Margaret tells me She can lend me a Bow and a Two: The Lady, aay sometimes sells me, But this time I am sure she ll be true. For Wartwey is wiry and or And that Bazsze’s A | all allow; our boat cannot fail to be lucky With a double Ist Class in the bow. “ Then Corpus its Prcorr shall lend us, PR iss, Liles pate pam ; DIPLOMATIC INTELLIGENCE. To rw car gudvedsen. M. Lavazerre has been nominated Minister of the Interior with- And five, from the head of toe Sever, out a Stewpan. Like Jove’s head appearing, Shall add to the weight of the quiver Of the feather-weight Argonaut s stat briebeeetle: ith lin

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PUNGH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Aram 8, 1865. MR. PUNCH’S FIRST OF APRIL LEVEE. / } \ f Ate We i e. AN af) PR CE, “TAN STRANGE CAB PHENOMENON. Dae Bo. one Sra History of the Cabman must always have been Sibieiudice to the human zoologist. Permit me to describe a pheno- menon. Taman Author. I had, however, chambers in the Outer Temple. gag: ecb oy own, one being that I like to be able to ring people up in Seo wees, | Raa Wot, have an a pcp I now reside at one of which we will call the East-Southern I never had a row with a Cabman. He thither, and he es aware satisfied remonstrated, far less abused me. s have a row with m hen way home, and, on going over two bridges, when led to cee Bene 3 — he always remonstrates about the fare, and often ‘Yet one place is as well known to the Cabmen as the other, and the fares are print evenes Seta Wp SE ay present, shode, How do you account a difference? A cynical friend ome mes oe ree wee Tuan i She ee avo Stowe tech ne De 8 take vengeance for any attempt at cheating, mile they now now and of te just me > o, . | pearencia, ignorant of London os —— ” Surely, men who have a Club, no Sar Aelie cad tne vane to Lord SHarresBuRY, cannot be such sordid and greedy wretches. There must be some other ex- planation. Can your readers offer one, or will the Cabmen themselves discuss the topic at their next meeting, before the hymn ? Believe me, ever yours, Joun Gay. PS. Songer tong ig ge mode of quickening a Cabman’s appre- Reuse the sitar oe tak bin to gp bo Arey” Pace, and, as usual, he pretended no no it to where it was, in order to see whether J knew. When I said, “ to the Marlborough Street Police Office,” you should have seen how he i dashed off, and he was so civil when I got out. EARCH small d great, search Church and S so annals ! _ home and and schools ! fra hel a for all On ee eee ar 4 But ere we seek Cheech fools at home, With the bold Bowrer shoot to Rome, Where—fool’s-cap o’er a close-cut comb— The old tiara’s tumbli Believe in Por and Tule, You April-fool, you April-fool ! But Rome-wards with Newman fly, Or MonsiGnore GP While Gray ConEnso votes ‘Ola Harry’s, Nor, ere he hurls perdition, tarries ta find os t if his oes Serie So The pee Church-cry, so sony wool !|— Lo! Gray done brown as April-fool ! For ex-Zulu CoLEnso too. Punch has a cap becomin: bi thinks the written ae floor Deon out, since two and two make four, While Mosxs’ total comes to more Than doth Conenso’s summing. Ground your faith on a ci -rule !— You April-fool, you April- Nor Broad Church dro behind i in crops Of rich, ripe, April ae age s Kinesiey writes, tes, talks, lectures, bustles, rove faith, somehow, hangs on muscles ; Task with Old Nick the more one tussles The more one should be jolly! Trade-competition’s fire cool !— The April-fool, the April-fool ! London’s fat purse Tarr would amerce, And “ Chureh, C Church, Church!” his creed is ; For “ churches!” “churches!” crying still,

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Arr 8, 1865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 145 - While we have more than we can fill, And parson’s wit, not parson’s will, Our congregations’ need is. To church send charity to school !— You April-fool, you April-fool ! Can Science boast our April host No son of hers has in it ? Who o’er brain- folds and jawbone-angles About man’s kin to monkey wrangles, Till man with monkey she so tenalen We searee care which win it. Mysterious. mind make s tool !— Yon helt April-fool, you April-fool ! Then test the tricks of politics, Sound Lower House and Upper : Pam at at eighty-one si Keng ancient a rea lod tbs sil in that troubled - - Drzzy, bent to sniff the scant In England’ re eyenfil troste ‘dainat t t n 8 eyes 8 rus To Sing Caucasian ond-dust, aud as — Angel see is lust and power squned Gear bul lg wasting giant-power And Brreut, with pluck to ran amuck At all which Britons hold to, On shoulders of the middle classes Still straggling to instal the masses, Who’ll soon write Brieut & Co. down asses, Their shape the mass who ’d mould to: Cutting the throat of thy own rule— Oh April-fool, oh April-fool ! And Bossy Pet, of Irish reel And faction-fight the hero : And Rogsucx, in aks think hie bite or renital, Striving to make folks Of sting, as his bark is of spite fal” his fame falls to zero. Why, Tear’sm, not for once be cool? Thow April-fool, thou April-fool ! See Excno’s joy since his new toy, The Rifleman, appears ! He trots his hobby all about, Air-drawn invaders puts to rout— *Twas clearly to bring Excxo out We raised our Volunteers ! There’s room at Hythe, in Hay’s own school, For April-fool, for April-fool ! If their’s the stool of April-fool ho on wild errands fall, Sutherland’s Duke that stool ascends, Who to put out the fire pretends Which lights the candle at both ends Within the servants’-hall. A Duke his servants dare to school !— Out, April-fool !—out, April-fool ! Prick up your ears, my noble Peers, You who have ears abnormal, Lo, from the Woolsack condescends oko feedctohsoere ends m e has no 7. Westzury, fine and Ermal He mounts the penitential stool, Chief April-fool, Pohief April-fool ! Was’t ner the maws to stuff Of Br and little Out of the Guaxcizon’ 8 broidered purse, But, spurred b: foo: nepotism’s curse, You must “ ge ot r and fare worse,” The horse-leech swarm to victual ? Kill the goose !—spite of isor’s rule— You April-fool, you April-fool ! And 1 nothing loth, beside home-growth, I’ve foreign fools to think on See the long phiz and shambling figure Of him who with oe vigour. Strives with the “ inevitable nigger,” Much-puszled Apranam Lanconn. If he “ concludes ” with such a tool To split his rail, he’s April-fool ! Lost, but nat least, with lourelied amet, toga about him, Lo, the last Casan, with the pen That tells how Junius died for men, Reveals their saviour to the ken Of those who dared to doubt him, Tnclding esiies Seen an And por gee THE ADVANTAGE OF BEING BAD-LOOKING. Dear Mr. Puncs, | Waar a bl it is one is not a beauty! I declare, the Sintitn.E ive the mate Lam that I was born with earroty aieaen © nese, thet 2s The trouble I am saved by my i ret instance, what a martyrdom I must ~~ hey yes if my hair von worth | Reving up and fashionably dressing. This is how the pretty hairesses of Paris are now tortured :— a athe Bats oh ngemmee of the Post, 5] P23 tee skool re this winter he hasgften eammmenced work atl eum eo that the lay remain some ten hours in full toilette, with her hair pinned, boun aun artista oe painfully uncomfortable. It is only as a great favour that these hstreartiata can bo had af all ladies during the season are obliged to implore irst catch your hair: this of course must be the rule with the eg Subling school” of coiffeurs. Their Sublimities would never conde- scend to waste their on & woolly head like mine, which the highest art would fail in rendering attractive. So I am safe from a | to sit for ten hours at a stretch, without the fibesty of stretching. |e — —_— other nuisances that I escape by being, happily, le ut beau “* He declares that you may wear your hair in any fantastic fashion; some ladies | at Court have sie, hneaten) Cancion ety iene hele off the face, and | a bunch of ringlets at the back of the head. Others have gone in for a | series of small curls all over the Big we oF eras Age oy efter 5 Beg | round about the ears—baby By Snead ad teenage le; while the mass of hair is aie the head, and there ded with flowers, or butterflies, Fidge' 9 — must be troublesome enough ; but how nasty it] must have one’s back hair full of insects! Fancy having dragon-fli spiders on one’s head! Ugh! I shudder at the notion | Tint *d rather be quite bald than let my hair be full of bi ; and who knows but the fashion sang be. sane soon a wear be blue-bottles, or, more horrid still, black beetles? A. girl who is insane cupegh to pas 6 batherhy a. het Sat might be fairly thought to have a bee in her bonnet. O th b serruve of tee Hantoomee of tat ee ise hairdresser! “ O the pleasures of the Plain” in escaping such inflic- gaat When I peep into my gl and think. what torments I might payin nde 5 on sheng I h ess am So believe me yours contentedly, Marr Mripew. Quotation from Virgil. (Dedicated to Lonp Compermenn's Successor as Gold Stick.) ** __ Primo avulso non deficit alter Aureus, et simili frondescit virga metallo.” * WALKER!” How unfair to sneer at the City tradesmen “i being above their business, when so few of them live over their shops Quaker Arrrrmation,—* Od drab it !”

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Clara; “We ant ‘cotxe To Get up a’.Dancz, Ma) Culrrey ; YOU MUST LET ME FIND YOU 4 PaRTNER.” cy. ** WELL, THANK YOU, NO: NOT TO-NIGHT. Mr. TOUGH WORK. Tax Pact 18,1’ Vi-HaD a vey Harp Day’s Hontine.”

— WHICH WAS TRUE ENOUGH, FOR THIS IS THR wate Caursr, nunrzp; axp THOUGH IT DID NOT LaST MORE THAN Two Hovuns, oe rae ADMIT THAT IT WAS tf 14 =

GEMS Taw THE EMERALD ISLE. Wuenever one takes 7 Trish news one is certain to discover something Here for ucer | isa see di a £5 NOTE LOST.—Lost, Se ats ere t two iz o'clock on oa ‘the 17th instant, a Five Pound Bank of Ire Note. | Any person ORTH, at the may re or 1! | it to Mr. N t the Bank, tain for his trouble | whatever sum he reasonable.

=— A AN AWFUL QUESTION. Toucnine what ‘is called “ Pomrry’s Pillar,” and which is as much ; Pomrey’s as that at Charing Cross is s OxsaR’s, a contemporary says :— | If Mr. Punch had found the note and had acted strictly on the térms agi of this advertisement, the loser would not have been much the, by | the finding. Mr. Punch values his time at a sovereign & | and as picking vp apa sages note would take at least five Mr. Punch would feel quite justified i in pocketing the note, whi : would think a “‘ reasonable” repayment for his trouble. | Another gem of Irish composition is the following :— TIDY, active, and willing little Woman, of great experienté A to wait upon an elderly Lady or Invalid ; could on 5 <page ensb dhires | make an excellent t Plum pudding, dress a good dinner, mak: coffee, or act as housekeeper ; would be found a most rostwortnay great family ; is a Protestant ; withaal Sates : | native of | Belfast. aan &. | edt this little woman wants to “ wait u ” what she says about herself not tend very much to carry pe he —— be cannot eat “‘good dinners,” and the wight of 3 of a lum pud uty to tantalise them tersibiys 3 while o! as a rule, ave not ou s be mae ry even if they had, aioe wou scarcely choose a the cradle. Perhaps in, Paddyland, however, a coaiak maid is etre to look after the nursery, while the 0 _ of a nurse is to make the pies and puddings and keep the kitchen tidy.

ger an invalid, or an elderly

IMPORTANT. Situation under Government, call yourself “Mr. No other qualification required. To obtain a BetTHeLt.”

couturies before the Christian All this chronology is not 1 he parpose, wd the column itself, |. 7 ng and remember what he as everybody who can merely the last remaining Has the French engineer obliterated @ name which is dbdires | Zlyphics, u epee down or — he d the world- Ww. ee ? If he has, we can only sa: Minotaur are so nearly re: knows, is y-

The Gifts of Morpheus. Wuen Sleep has broug' dee = oe that seem As real as those of bi How jolly to wake from your And find that you’ve nothing to pay !

AN ARCTIC MARCH, Tue month just departed in cold and snow has not exactly verified the popular saying, that if March comes in like a Lion he out like a Lamb. This year, indeed, — came in like a Lion, but went out like a White Bear. that we are glad the Agincourt and the |

| t i | | , of a temple. ; ee not, but ps the biggest and ‘rlainest inal?

Tinted No. U Woburn Place, in the Parich of St. P 4 Whehjare, Cey of Londzi, Frat mat tei Otis m Lombard Street, in the P.ecinet ecinet of of London.—Sarunpar, April 8, m the County of Miadlesex, and Frederick hitefriars, City of London, and rublished by them at No. 86, Fleet Street, in the Mallett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie 8 in the Precinct ot of St. Bride, City

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Aprit 15, 1865.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE BOAT RACE April 8th, 1865, [We prefer inserting our Correspondent’s unconscientious effusion as received,—PuncH.] TO THE VICTORS. BY A PARTY WHO BETTED THE RIGHT AND BACKED | Priests of Isis Well done Gallant Cantabs Of jolly good ale the good health of —- May each Book you take up, IMPROMPTU. f it mY S ant ) O Mr. Pouncu, Sir, I feel that you ought to have | a beautiful Kpigram in honour of the | Winners of the Boat Race, but as I am off to a pic-nic at Mortlake, ‘and may not be exactly in a condition after the race to put my poetical feel- ings into a concrete form, I send you an amphisbenic, or double-headed affair, that will suit either event—in- sert names according tocircumstances. Ever yours, Janus SQuINTER, OXFORD. CAMBRIDGE, ! I pledge in a gallon Blue ; ight in your heiligen Hallen, Bring each as much luck as I’ve booked about you. | A SENSATION SITUATION. Wxo would not be a Lady Teacher in a Ladies’ School ? Only see what a quantity of knowledge she must have, and what a quantity of money she can make by it :— \ ANTED, a TEACHER, over 21, in a very Large, Old-Established Ladies’ School. She must be a thorough arithmetician, well versed in geo- graphy, L bags history, grammar, with the rudiments of French and music. None need apply without a good method of teaching, combined with health and activity. Unexceptionable references required. Salary to commence at £12 per annum. If Mr. Bansace were the President of the Royal Geographical Society, and knew as much of general history as HatLam and Macavu.ay did, he might perhaps, were he a lady, be deemed tolerably competent to fill this situation, provided he were thoroughly well grounded in good grammar, and knew enough of French and music to teach them with success, Stay, though—he must have a “good method of teaching” (uietover that may signify), and he must “combine” it with “good health and activity,” or he would not be eligible for this attractive place. Then, if he were a lady, and were over twenty- one, and had the good luck to obtain this lucrative appointment, his salary would “ commence” at £12 per annum, and gooduess only knows ry what a vast increase of income it might ultimately end. Even £20 a year might eventually be paid to him, supposing he were she who is so fortunate as to secure this most remunerative place. Dramatists on the look-out for a “ sensation situation,” should turn their eyes to | this one, which no ay could fill without having the sensation of being | greatly overtasked and grossly underpaid for it. Politics and Music. THERE is no truth in the rumour that Mr. Branp, the famous H. C. | Whip, is about to be deposed. The report, it is believed, arose simply | from the fact that, a few evenings ago, a number of young Members | lounged into the lobby, oming fresh from the Fourth Act of the Opera of Faust, and singing lustily the chorus, “ Deponiam il Brando!” - THE HEIGHT OF IMPUDENCE, Tuts celebrated summit has just been reached by a juvenile member , of the Aristocracy. Mr. GrosvENoR continues to offer himself for Westminster, although Mr. Jouw Stuart Miu is ready to become a candidate. The Alpine Club has shut up in despair. | FRENCH LITERATURE. Le Maudit is to be placed in the Index unless the opinions contained therein are somewhat modi-fied. VOL, XLVI, Q

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Arai 15, 1865. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. onpay, 4pril 3. Lorp CLARENDON moved the Second Reading of the Public Schools Bill. with it, which may be another of those merits. Everybody has an interest in some one school, which he conceives to be perfect, be- Seeeteeotios . or is educating his boys, but he allows that other schools require im- ee __ ar, wench ae objects any authority being set ominate the Head upon whose — the wel- fare of a school. But then all Head Masters ought to be ARNOLDs, or as near that pattern as possible. There will be a great deal of discussion before this Bill becomes law, and a measure which is fo aie ie training of the entire upper and upper middle classes of consideration. mR Moron Pero delivered himself of a eh nein the Board of Admiralty. His attack was y disapproved of by Lonp Ciarence Pacer. Sm Jonn Paxnveton had his own objections to the present system. It is all very well to talk over the business, but the plain English is that no Minister dares reform the es stem, for there are too many votes dependent upon the maintenance of things in speeches, knows this. Some day we shall be in a war, and the war will be ina muddle, and then the Admiralty Me blown—where Mz. BortHory, in Bleak House, wanted to blow the cery. ordered two boys to be whipped, and also ordered the — present condition. we ys except the innocent believers in police to perform that operation. Now, criminal boys have not that Spartan courage which is im er penalty of an extra wopping in the play-fields) at Eton, Harrow, and Rugby, and instead of receiving a ee in silence, they bellow. Perhaps the absence of elevated teaching, and also of beef and bread-and-butter and other strengthening influences, may in some measure account for the difference. Anyhow, they do bellow, and the noise is not pleasant to hear. The police object to whip, and say also that crowds are attracted by the sound. Sm Ricnarp Mayne sustains them. Mr. ADDERLEY pevtents against police assumption. The Home Secretary thinks the police right. Mr. Hentey made much fun of the punish- ment, ridiculed birching being described by the sensation term “lashes,” and intimated that the floggings which he, and probably Sm Gzorcr Grey, had received in earlier life had done them no harm. But, he added, we were fast becomin most police-ridden country in Europe. We do not know how the Barnet Magis- trates have settled the affair, but it says in Boyle’s Chronology that in a country place . culprit was, some years ago, ordered to be flogged, and that there was no one who up let into the rogue like a man. We then voted all sorts of finally another row broke out, and the Head Master was obliged to say that the boys might go away, for that they were “not in a temper” for their work. The sudden change in the weather es us all quarrelsome— “ Our bloods no less obey the Heavens Than do a courtier’s looks the king’s.” A much-disputed passage in the Divine W., which Mr. Punch has, with his usual acumen, rectified into the sense which distinguishes most of the writings of Divine Ww. ith a thermometer one day at 43° in a gas-lit bed-room, and the next at 60° in the open air, no fellah ought to be expected to be reasonable. Tuesday. The Lords sat down and got up again, and the Commons did not even through that formality. For this was a great day for the Metropolis of the orld. e feel that we ought to get up a little classic learning to flash off about the Grand Sewers, but Da. Wii1am Smirn’s Dictionary is on a shelf on the other side of our library, and our getting — it is out of the question, and Mrs. Punch is gone to hear oO in Faust. we cannot draw. upon our memory. There were Sewers in Rome, _ made by Tarquinius Primus, who married Tana- QUI. a lady who had the feminine art of making the best of things, and we like her. hen an eagle flew away with her husband’s hat, Mrs. Tanaquil, instead of saying that it was just like him, and that he could no more take care of his things than a child, and he had have a fortune to be going every day to Linconius & Bennertvs’s for new hats, said, with a proud smile, ‘A good omen, love! and it the | has would lay on the cat except the Mayor, and therefore his Worship himself | C means that your head will be very high.” He was made King, and he made drains, Livy says that you could drive aload of hay through them, and we wish that our drains had been e large enough for the railway vans, and the Van Demons were compelled to go through the sewers. We do not remember any other classical remarks at present, and therefore proceed to state that this day the Prince or Waxzs went to ‘Crossness, and set the engines at work, and that it was a day for Tuwatres and BayazetT— what’s his name, BazaLesTre—and we suppose that they will be knighted or barrow-knighted, as they deserve, or be decorated with the Order of the Sewer. We have not seen any Thames salmon yet, but Mx. QuARTERMAINE has taken up his place in his balcony, with a long rod and line, to be to catch the ver: to telegraph. good deal pleasanter when you mustn’t say such thi Wednesday. Tazo Donoeuve wishes to do away with an Irish law of QuEEN Anne’s, by which “ Tories, Robbers, and Rapparees” can be sent to penal servitude for beg- ging. If it include Tories who beg for votes at elections, we imagine that the Act a | be inconvenient, but we see no — for the and for once Mr, Scunty agrees with us. But if Beggars are not to be sent to penal servitude, Mx. Viitrers has introduced into his Hou oor Bill an excellent clause for dealing with Mendicants. If the mea- sure becomes law, ‘in London is at anend. The ice are to take into custody every person who begs, or to be in distress. If he be a deserving object, he to the Oasual Ward, at the Workhouse i the Dogberry there is to be compelled to receive and relieve him. If he be an impostor, he is to be dealt with under the Vagrant Act. This is good news for the really dist and also for the ladies in the suburbs, who cannot take a without importuned or bullied. Could not the Act be made to include Crossing Sweepers, ha Ag . — —— * ~ Punch has —s cy) e ba repulse at leas seventeen, evi ime he walks from ‘his villa to his office. What right has the Crossing Sweeper to “squat” on the QueEn’s highway, and play highwayman? Thursday. Holborn and Whitechapel are to be improved —a Bill for the purpose passed the Lords. We are very fond of taking pensive in Whitechapel, and should go there oftener, but for the incessant importunities of the inhabitants that we should buy and devour the staple pro- duct of the district, namely, whelks, of which we are not extravagantly fond. As regards Holborn, it is at present the most detestable thoroughfare in London. Everybody who walks.is run over in High Holborn, and everybody who rides is thrown out of his cab on Holborn Hill, We shall rejoice to see any improvement. ; .The Wimbledon Common Inclosure Bill was read a Second Time, after considerable opposition. A Committee repo inst Lonp SPENCER’s three proposals—the fencing, the selling part of the land, and the extinction of everybody’s rights except his own. Nevertheless, it was thought that the Bill ought to go before the Private Bill ommittee. It was plainly hinted that the public might get much worse terms, but we decline to believe that Lorp Srzncer would do anything of an ungene- — kind, even if his plan should be defeated. Noblesse oblige, 1 Another Canada debate, and it appears that the Colonists - by - means ree with = enount ov a ngland proposes to supply. One is , namely, that either the colony | the mother-country must act A ect accord and harmony, or will vote at the next Presidential Election, yes, Sir. Sr Gzorce Grey will devise some relief for the com- positors and other persons really aggrieved by the working of the Act which was intended chiefly for the paint down the scoundrel-dens in the Haymarket and elsewhere, and which has worked very well indeed, though there is much to be done, as at certain Music-Halls, before cognate nuisances can be ex . If,as Lorp Macavzay and Sypney Sarra contend, Government is simply a Stout Constable, let it do constable’s duty. Friday. The Bisnor or Lonpon expressed his idea that the great rich City Companies, “who have more money than they know what to do with,” might aid in the erection of new dwellings for the poor who are dispossessed, whole- t, and has promised ensive public, what? The Essence is a there is no Parliament? But

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Aram 15, 1865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

sale, by Improvements. Dr. Tarr is a good man, but does not know the world. Can he be aware that at some civic banquets the Companies are reduced to give Mock instead of Real ‘ and that at o common water is handed round after dinner instead of rose-water? In the face of these distressing facts, a bishop should not obtrude the interests of the lower orders, Loe oe me - a - little things of oe _— ougat to attend examinations, w low exceptions ‘made. e€ exception to be when the child distincti: i that it would rather play at ball. . The Fenians disturb Mz. Wurresrpz, and Mz. Laranp is de- manding whether the American authorities at all favour those ex! ; Ain. Danpy Gurverras was langlied at as usual. : Mz. Guapstons declines to take the Irish railroads into the hands of Government, in order to lower the price of tickets. Really, Ireland has lost all shame, and’ will shortly come under the new Mendicant Act. Mz. Wrtp wants a new bishopric created jn Cornwall. Answer, “No tin.” Trish Members get wet at Holyhead pier, and appeal to Par- liament. Answer, “Take umbrellas.” we had Estimates. Both Houses are up for Easter. Saturday. The: Great Boat-Raee between the Hyes of England. pepe tne” mame as Mr: Punch all along predicted, only he forgot Oo mention Apart from our usual summary, and im another tone, must be noted the Parli references to the death of a great and good man. On Sunday, 2nd, the valuable life of Ricnarp Cospew ended. Elsewhere, our own tribute to the departed is paid. Here be it said only that on the Monday night the House of Commons listened to: the earnest and honest words of the Premier, and to the eloquent language of the Leader of Opposition, both uniting in honoured testimony to the character of him who is gone. A portion of the speech of Mm D1sRazul may be the most fitting termination to this brief record :— “ Although it was the fortune of Mr. Corpen to enter public life ata time when passions ran still when the strife was over there was soon observed in him the ae a Se — — —— a le — statesmanlike es. ere was in character a peculiar | tradition, which often, unconsciously to himself, subdued and softened

|, the acerbity of the conclusions at which he may have arrived. . he had few equals, as a | jogician he was close and complete, and I would say adroit, acute, and, even subtle ; yet, at the same time, he was ane with that — of imagination that he never lost sight of the sympathies of those whom he | as a speaker both practical and persuasive. . essed, and so, generally avoiding to drive his argument to extremity,. he became . Bir, there is something mournful in the history of this Parliament, when we remember how many of our most emi- nent and valued men have passed from amongst us; but, Sir, there is this conso- lation to us, when we remember these unequalled and irreparable losses, that those great men are not altogether lost to us—that their words will be often quoted in | this House—that their example will often be referred to and appealed to—and that even their expressions will form part of our discussions and debates. There are now, I may say, some Members of Parliament who, although they may not be | present, are still Members of the House, who are independent of dissolutions, of the | caprice of constituencies, and even of the course of time. | was one of those men, and I believe that when the verdict of posterity will be re- I think, Sir, Mr. CoppEn corded upon his life and conduct, it will be said of him that, looking to his expres- sions and his deeds, he was without doubt the greatest political character that the pure middle class of the country has ever produced—that he was an ornament to the House of Commons and an honour to England.”

| i | | } SONG FOR THE THAMES SALMON PRESERVING SOCIETY. | Here ’s to the trout weighing pounds, say, fifteen, Here’s to the salmon of twenty ; Keep an eye on their spawning, and make the Thames clean, And you soon will have fish there in plenty. Chorus, Let the fry pass, They ’ll be bigger next grass, The man who would fish out of season’s an ass. Here ’s to the ladders by which the fish scale, When they swim to the weirs that impede them ; Lock. Sas leaps a Salmon! just see, what.a tail! And it costs but clean water to feed them. Chorus, Let the fry pass, &c. So keep away poachers and keep away pike, And keep away poisonous matter, * And youll catch in the Thames all the salmon you like, And you’ll nowhere see finer or fatter. Chorus. Let the fish pass, &c.

Inconsistency of Woman. 1813. Miss Antesmpora Quoce, of New York (aged 17), refuses EUTENANT DasHerR, of H. M. Navy, because he will call the Vir- ginians “‘ rebels.” 1865. Miss Auresmora Quose, of New York (aged 67), refuses Apurrat Dasner, of H. M. Navy, because he will not call the Vir- ginians “ rebels,” sing), y,-or indistinetly, hints Celie act). No Novices need make her in a nautical drama. Possibly the < of First Lieutenant of the gallant ~~, = L t, ballad a was appointed, having wom Captain’s nome Boa for a cengig t may be rare for first (erm to heave the lead, perhaps; but on the their doing so, After issuing such orders as “ Clew up your lee dead- eyes ! » or * might proceed to the worse of for it are afraid almost to guess. Can it nunneries in England whence it is secommon away and go upon the 2 needful to announce that he will not be bothered by their applications ? Here is an alarming point for Mz. Newpxcare to ponder on!

A SAMPLE OF STAGE SLANG. Henk is a strange list of wants, announced the other day in a dra- matic newspaper :— THEATRE ROYAL, STARBOROUGH. _ WANTED, immediately (to open on Monday), A LADY FOR THE — First. and Second Walking Gentlemen, Old Man, Low Comedian (to Vacancies fo: yy ee Property ap Teint (to r ’ apply. Address as above. To save time, send terms, ' “ A Lady for the Lead,” that is, to heave the lead, no doubt, and to we may see her in , to which there would be nothing to prevent our torpsle ae a first lieutenant in a drama ve the lead, without his being thought one whit What is meant by the statement that “no Novices need. ” we it indeed be possible: that. are Novices: to: run Stage, that the Manager im this case: thinks it

“ AURICOMUS FLUID, FOR PRODUCING THAT RICH GOLDEN COLOUR SO MUCH ADMIRED IN: LaDIES aND CHILDREN.” — Vide Advertisement.

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. To a class of people represented by Mr. Somes and Mr. Lawson the foregoing admonition is respectfully commended, whilst their serious attention is also invited to the subjoined paragraph, taken from the Montreal Gazette :— , “Tue ‘Permissive Act.’— Mr. Dunxm’'s Act does not appear to satisfy its advocates. Many of the townships in Upper Canada which adopted it, after a few weeks’ trial, are sick of it. Im some places the unlicensed sale of liquor takes place openly, and the law is so unpopular that mo one dares prosecute.” The failure of the Canadian Duwxxn’s attempt at dictating the drink of his neighbours may serve to show our English donlere, who pester the Legislature with the demand of a Permissive Prohibi iquor Law, how much they would accomplish even if they obtained an Act of Parliament for the purpose of ruining the publicans, robbing the wd man of his beer; and g a vast deficit in the revenue. Let us hear no more of their officious nonsense, and let it be understood that the regulation of other people’s habits is henceforth to be confined to tailors and dressmakers,

~ \

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprit 15, 1865. ‘ 7 U7) Wy YU iy Y Uh MMM Z es, ce y YY Y/ NY GWT? Wy, WM, Yh Ly 1 Yy Sy Af YY Y) Wf MY YL, “24d oP TLL] \X. \\ ~ ES MQQ GNU \ \\ \ \\ AQ ‘ “ . \\ IW AW MAA \ 7A, YZ YY 4 ' \ \ RURAL FELICITY. Scared Housemaid. “On! Mum! ’apn’r Master BETTER GO ROUND WITH THE LANTERN, THERE’S A Moanin’ GIPSY SOMEWHERE IN THE Back GaRDEN !” a. RICHARD COBDEN. DIED APRIL 2, 1865. Sotemy and sad his task who, from the shore, Watches Time’s slow but surely-rising’ wave, As landmark after landmark it sweeps o’er, _ And whelms great things and men in one wide grave. So the pale sentinel on Neva’s pier Records the wasting waters’ sullen swell, Till all the pile-based city shakes for fear Of some huge fall—church, palace, citadel. T am not old who watch, but from my post What kingly strengths have I seen vail their crown, What statelinesses bowed, what pride and boast By those dark waters toppled, sudden, down ! One more high tower has fallen, that stood four-square, Simple, and scant of ornament, but strong, As fits a fortalice, whose walls must bear, Sheltering Right, the rude assaults of Wrong. He had done work to fill a longer life, And lived to see his life’s work rounded clean: Seldom has sun that lit a morn of strife, Set in the hush of evening so serene. The man whose popes ine: struck the shackles off From England’s toiling arm and trading hand, Lived to knit close—in spite of sneer and scoff— England and France in Traffic’s triple strand. Poor in world’s wealth, but rich in stainless fame, Untitled, yet a m te in the land, That honour blazons Richarp CoppEn’s name, Which life well-lived and work well done command. Circumstance shaped his lot, as it shapes all : The path it oped seemed narrow, hard, and bare; No grace of letters made a flowery wall To mask its bounds, nor arts, nor arms passed there The path of trade, that leads—who shall say where — To humble competence, and low content, To wealth and wisdom, or to wealth and care, To means hard-saved, to be as loosely spent; But rarely to a higher than pelf; And few on that road ope a wider eye Than grasps the vision of the trader’s self, Or second self—kith, kin, and progeny. Buf on that path this man advancing, felt The impulse of a great good far away : Looked up, saw meee, and where others knelt To grope for gold, he knelt to dream and pray. Yes—knelt to dream: though bred to trade and toil, His was the dreamer’s rapt and ay eye: Thence came the wings that lifted him from soil Of sordid paths, and raised low aims to high. He saw Heaven’s will by man’s contrivance barred : Nature’s kind pathways betwixt need and need Gated and fenced; the Almighty purpose marred, That gave us diverse brains, thews, soils, and seed. Others, ere him, had seen and proved the wrong, But he the wrong determined to set right : Weak in all else, in single purpose strong, ' With Power, Wealth, Prejudice, he braved the fight. And won it, and was famous, powerful, great : But with the triumph laid the truncheon by, And in the ranks was proud to serve the State, Poor save in that which riches cannot buy.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Apnrit 15, 1865. FATHER THAMES “HIMSELF AGAIN.” “LOR BLESS YER R’Y’L ‘IGHNESS! I AIN’T THE SAME RIVER SINCE I GAVE UP SCAVENGING, AND TURNED WATERMAN!”

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Apri 15, 1865.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 153 nessed the admirab! Th As to the i letter to you, is to scarcely expresses my maning (Anglicé, uire, is justice to myself, who am sof an Iris ; Irishman, never will be an Irishman, 2 ever visited Ireland. The case isthis. Mrz. Vnrnve,of the Princess’s has proved himself to be a sensible ame spec mac. ery, 0% Be Loving, beloved, light of a happy heart Life's p eons oe and shad But ge a nation’s grief he fades from earth, And no cloud darkens THE HIBERNIAN DRAMA. (that ’s Bweeny-ma-Cowl (better known. as the Cowl o° 7 ‘ I can’t get ‘ae means shoe in English, that I don’t know whether I’m standin; being in your opinion, ‘stor | OW 8 his day ; o’er him, passed away! MEAN Sin, “Tes bothe one — I +: Pg mean, that, having j performance of an Irish inglish, I take ye ustice to oul drama at the Ag and as b ’s not a bad a my head, ); but the main ireland, whieh } meanin out of m it that that ate HE 5 { : 2, F perceive i at &, and never, in any sort “? im an Wurra-Wurra (a Magistrate) Barny (a dulcimer player) Boroo-na-Cuclish (a retired Rappares) . Rilley the Roguey-Poguey (witha Song) . Nelly-no-Moore (without a Song) . Ra™parees, Process Servers, coe ——— Banshoos, Carboys, Dhoolishes, Scene 1—A Moonlit Glen in the Neighbourhood, High rocks right and left of somewhere Stage, else, A tree half dropping over a very high rock, if it had been cut down by some one the day before yesterday. Koon, ~ay t~ | ag re shining. Storm heard without. hail, and thunder, all pogpirn ag ds mec, cpr rape - Mr. Rocmrs (of the T.R. Haymarkel). | . Mn. Paetrs. . Me Pecuree. . Me. Cuantes Kean. . Mn, Joszra Roxzins. . Muss. Bearrice. Sretia Coxas. ns, dC. Fear Sig eh i Music. Rebels come cautiously ues on et cap over the knotty — of the bark, and La vn the he ground). heh, boys,! lic, po» fox is rat the young Masther would say to yez. Qh, it’s the cess o’ my heart that Rebels sora At all, at all! ® [dé this moment the Military, led by the Lonp-LiguTENnaNt, are seen on the top of the reviews them of command. the ai They then ACT L with a ravine somewhere, and @ without. Cold without. Re speak,* when SwEENY-Ma-Cowl appears Is it ye are, d one eye opin, will yez ? Be a alsy, thin, makes me talk rocks. The LoRD-LIBUTENANT 7 E if ie i ies: Z E : E Lord-Tieutenant (reading proclamation). In the name of our Sovereign Lael Kine wd aes om 1 declare crerybody «He a Re ail jo > a reward =e : woe. : ion “abs: aie re be at one anot j ines one @ fiz bayonets, Rebels wave shilllag ‘ Scenz 1.—TZhe old Caubeen® by the hillside, Enter Baxny, dressed ina ic imi, i red waistcoat, a blue Pe rare pone hat, t bluctsh- explanation that he made, con on the ayish stockings and low shoes, his of ‘raha Pope Hie ought, by the w by ti a wey, “nem es apy — Sond. — - us, why Beams: mi : ap pio er (nee as m. 0 a 0 00 say, INING has ved himself. seni eann. Sir “inthis uname (Repeats the above, winking cunsingly ai the audience? rejection? of an admirable Irish drama, extracts from which I now send Eater Nu1ix-20-Moons from Cottage. ou. mo pl ek a tren wT ed tee OR ed ee ne | Day, ing 0; ns, was Scotch, by the bye; but that doesn’t matter, as some thought ou, fe Marg will pe Sure casthing’ he = wicgas Ba it was Irish); nor can I lay claim to a personal knowledge of dialect; y onal emg couldn't ate ~ on the Tt hand, the dialect poe upon the — ‘ne ern Ghasioek s banieg tk omen a rio woul whin 2 sees the wers © are on paper. y, : paper,” because it takes me some time to thi out a good sharp g nick na gt Canahing). Ah, Barwy, na coolish achree! it’s the bad dhrop artee, and hitherto in conversation my failures have penal ally y Ulily) ? been in this direetion, as I’ve generally hit upon an admirable c aid Ah sito he: i, 8 oe half-an- boar after the witticism that called for it, ioe on me y it (Pushes tail of has been ui against me. Let Dramatists look to their laurels, sper). Will yez tread on my coat? and their ivy, when one of my Irish pieces is produced. Now, Sir, one [She treads om the tail of his coat, Exit Banny thoughtfully, 3.x. of oe ay tha hi vee oy ay pis Cn - ‘whom, i eae a See aie ae my a s Cy the sparking you p you ir), | spake (Anglice—no, by rapparees t the way, that’ re, OMe ny ke has rejected, is called Finale is in a ae ACT IV. WHISHT CEAD FARDROUGHA ; oF ee watching the French at we oy ugh i telace _— THE GIRL WITH THE BEAMING EYE! cadlinanansdeaneledigtindieesetbaneeiedt Boroo. By this and by that! The ; DRAMATIS PERSONE. Wi 1 8 The Lord Lieutenant - wrra. Ob, the gauger! Och, Li ‘mn Kilt entirely (Falls from a height of two thousand feet into the sea.) ine Real ot Ss Ss eee See the Castle, or the Peasantry rush on the Troops; doesn’t matter much. Tableau Gon) in the contre, I proclaim a on for all the reatcerendit sole om 1 ioe an) ios yon, my cildien' (Sauiny formers) kad Wont fore him. ! fiends 3 poet 3 eden hen arp Military kneel on one another enthusiastically, distant guns are heard, as Ourtain descends, and 1 This fact alone woul: would ostitiigh our opinion concerning the wisdom of the Manager in question. Vide the Extracts. Ble ne ~ + a may serve for a title to those understand the three Irish rish words above, as it Sens ok, da y of Mr. ERS Wha‘ touc! the it more hing Las in the pathetic parts ; while Mn Fromenn’s mode of delivery has always sounded to my ears + These don’t not because they have nothing to , but because the parts Tnertai tn talons, ae Tt and a infortued me, tae] they were so “‘ uncertain in I'd better come at once to characters,” Sandee § thaws. What the ny chi ‘Happarecs wou would have said, what, they did say in my original MB., is now in Sauncanan 5 This is a genuine Irish expression. pang Genuine Irish word. Often heard it. one’s sure to laugh at the rich humour of these two lines of verse, if the only wink. orm a Sergeant, who tells him the words 1 line. performer When does an Irishman most resemblea Scotchman? Why of course when he’s its antinae This might be introduced into the Comic underplot.

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7 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprit 15, 1865. ‘T Mee i | i a ga ih ii | Hl i t | | — ey i my | \ ea it = A NATURAL OBJECTION. Mamma. “On! Won’t you Kiss your Uncie, Jutey?” Juley (unused to the Bengal Cavalry Beard). “I pow’? Kyow WHERE, Mamma!” GUIDE TO THE QUACKS OF LONDON. A Sertss of papers relative to Quacks, which evel in the Medical Circular, with the signature of “Derector,” lias been republished in the form of a short pamphlet. The reader of Punch should read this pamphlet also. He has often read, in the pages of Punch, of certain Quacks, fraudulent and noisome, who obtain money by false pretences, and more money by menaces and extortion, from green young men. be their names, which Punch would not advertise, he has referred his readers to the lower corner of the advertising columns of low newspapers, amongst which too many of Mr. Punch’s contemporaries, especially in the country, may still be enumerated. But now he begs to publish the information that a nominal list of these miscreants, with copies of their puffs and other A poggere® concerning them, needful to be known, will be found in the pamphlet above referred to, which is entitled ions of Quacks and Quackery, and is to be had at the Medical Circular Office, 20, King William Street, Strand, W.C. : ; , The vile practices, the monstrous impudence, the cruel rapacity, and the enormous gains of the obscene tribe of Quacks, the mischief they do, the ruin they work, even to the causation of suicide, are fully set forth in Revelations of Quacks and Quackery. And mark especially that, as aforesaid, the names of the Quacks are published. ‘The pamphlet in ques- tion thus constitutes a1 t Quack ae ys oa by consulting which every young man may know where he may go if he wishes to get, plundered and destroyed. f The Medical Circular has a great ae over a non-medical Journal in respect to the exposure of Quacks. An ordinary periodical could not call a Quack a Quack by name, to say nothing of meng age Pg as an extortioner and a scoundrel, without incurring the danger of an action for libel. No difficulty would be experienced by the most notorious Quack, or gang of cks, in finding among the members of an honourable profession, an attorney who would take their instructions, and a barrister who would plead their cause. A ete construction of the law of libel on the part of British Judges, and stupidity on that of ritish jurymen, are not so rare, but that such a fellow as the convict “ Dr. Henzry” would, as plaintiff in a libel case, obtain, in compensation of his assailed honour and impugned in- tegrity, vindictive damages. But no prospect of damages will tempt any Quack to give a periodical almost restricted to the medical profession the much more damaging effect to himself of the general publicity which it would gain by a prosecution. Buy, therefore, reader, by all means buy Revelations of Quacks and Quackery. Its contents will astonish and amuse you, while they invoke your indignation and disgust. Of course you do not want it on account of its warnings for your own sake, but you doubtless do for that of the many simpletons with whom you must be acquainted, if your acquaintance is large. “ Who are the Quacks that Punch means?” Consider what it is to be able to answer this question of the young and inexperienced, and, for charity’s sake, if for no other, go and provide yourself with Revelations of Quacks and Quackery, by Derector. DeErFinition oF THE TeLEGRAPH.—A ReutTER’s Ready Pen. OZONE. (BY AN UNSCIENTIFIC CONTRIBUTOR.) Time was, when to this tune I Sang of the Turcophone, Which, as you know, some months ago, a BEN was blown. That ’s past, and into notice Another name has grown, For I’ve read and read, What the Press has said Of the quantities of Ozone. Now me what ts Ozone? I cannot make out, I own, Is it bitter or sweet ? Is it something to eat ? Oh! do tell me what #s Ozone ? There ’s CoxwELt and there ’s GLAIsHER, Aéronauts so bold, Who all for love go up above, To shiver and shake with cold. Their letter to the papers By GLaIsHER signed alone, Says where they ’ve been, d that they ’ve seen A quantity of Ozone. ut he doesn’t say what’s Ozone ? I cannot make out; I own That from what I have heard, I should say ’twas a bird, But then wéy is it called Ozone ? There’s Mr. Hinpz, Astronomer, Who’s nothing else todo, But sit up at night to take a sight, And ver a star or two. But when some Heavenly body Is not so plainly shown As it pas to be, “Tis through,” says he, “ The quantities of Ozone.” As he doesn’t Bape ’s Ozone, I rather suspect his tone, Which leads me to think It is something to drink, (Thoughtfully), * *ve not heard it called zone. I ask the modern doctors, And on this pipe they drone, That I shoul buried and cemetery’d, If *twasn’t for Ozone. Of course I’m very " As it saves my friends a groan That so long [’ve been kept alive By « course of this same Ozone. Even Science says, what ’s Ozone, As yet, isn’t clearly known. So now J know no more Than 1 did long before, I asked you what és Ozone ? Chit-Chat. * Tr would not be a difficult matter for Lous Navoxzon to write his Uncle’s life,” observed some one. “* Why not?” we asked. ** Because,” returned our friend, who was cutting the leaves of Julius Cesar, “he would write it as Cesarly as possible.” When we had recovered, our friend (?) was gone. New Bank. THERE is a Mountebank coming out at the Lyceum, Several untheatrical people want to know if this is an institution like a County Bank, and if it’s a Limited Company. We are able to answer that it is something like a County ank, inasmuch as several people put their money into it; and it is also kept up by a Com pany, decidedly limited. \ *

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Apri 15, 1865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARITVARTI. 155

A PEG FOR SOME PLEASANT PEGGING. Toucuine the squabbles of most persons, and especially the squabbles of Actors, Musicians, Authors, and Members of Parliament, Mr. Punch usually rves the usual lofty and dignified silence. He writes for the world, and what does the world care about such dust on its great wheels? But when his own illustrious name is used in a way which may induce anybody to suppose that he has done an injustice, then he flames like a fery ace. Not, of course, on his own account, for he heeds such things, as Mr. Prazp beautifully says— ** As the Sun regards the clouds that play Round his radiant path on a summer's day.” But for the sake of the , > person, whose happiness may be dimmed by the lightest hint of Mr. Punch’s disfavour. y, does Mr. Punch take notice of a pa ina musical Not _m Musical World, whose Ra ian inscruta- bilities, heinously defiant of mundane intellect, are usually of a genial and y sort; but the Orchestra, which is by no meansa journal to be contemned, for if it occasionally carries the mordant habit to extremes, it: to avoid the more offensive habit of sickening puff, which exhausts the wealth of the English language in eulogy on singers and fiddlers. ‘The Orchestra has, of course unintentionally, utterly i 8 Mr. Punch in the following paragraph, in which a con- is told that he— ae some time ago how Punch proved that the SurrH taken every single word of his poetry from other au! Murray's Grammar and Jonnson’s Dictionary.” Now, Mfr. Punch did nothing of attributed to him. He had read charged with ALEXANDER ors—even from the kind; at least in the sense here a’so-called criticism on jarisms, of which he was perfectly innocent. The of that charge, Mr. Punch certainly molish nitable way, by showing that the so-called critic have adduced evidence that every word in Mz. ALEXANDER SurrH’s poems had occurred in somebody else’s poems. For which i of one of the best of her poets, grateful Scotland shouted her thanks to Mr. Punch, and his larder and cellar have ever since been filled with haggis, grouse, salmon, cakes, Glasgow magistrates, and whiskey, remitted carriage free, and with anonymous letters of the most gratifying description, and with no more quotations from Burns than might be expected. That there never may be any more mistake about what he did for ALEXANDER SmirH, and that there may be no cessation in the above- mentioned remittances, he will briefly illustrate, for the benefit of the post nati, the way in which Mr. Punch treated a carping critic. There is a pong of the day called “God Bless the Prince of Wales” The words of that song, Mr. Punch must have heard, so far as vocalists ee. but he has no kind of idea asto what they are. They are by Lrxtey, and doubtless are good enough for the purpose. To them, Mz. Brrntey Ricwarps wedded an exceedingly effective and pleasant melody, which, with Mr. Smts ReEves’s singing, made the song a great success. It is a sort of national anthem of a provisional kind. Some- body -in the Orchestra, who is envious of Mr. Broytzy RicHarps’s success, and who should remember that the musical world is wide — for us all, and that the re to get on is to do something good oneself, and not to sneer at the good things done by others, has adopted the same kind of so-called criticism as that demolished by Mr. Punch and has pieked out, | various songs, fragments which it is pretende the loyal air. The allegation is too ludicrous for contradiction. ir. Punch’s awful name has been used, and used unfairly, he begs to submit the following specimen of this style of criticism. He epeete that he has not the slightest idea as to what the words of “ God Bless the Prince of Wales” may be, and he is, therefore, obliged to evolve them out of his own self consciousness. Suppose this were Mr. LINLEY’s song :— “ From shore to shore the cannons roar, The kittens wag their tails, welkin rings out, less or more, *O bless the Prince or Waxes !’ All Nature shines both bright and gay, And fish with glittering scales, And merry England seems to say, *O bless the Prince or Wags !’ “His mother is our gracious QuEEN, He lives at Marlborough House, His eye is bright, his aim is keen, And fatal to the grouse. Then send aloft a joyous ery, While milkmen clank their pails, ‘ ‘And let ‘the hills and rocks reply, *O bless the Prince or Waxzs!’” Well, there is a expend song, and, by the way, much in the style of but aprecious deal’ better than most of the things which are call “ gems of freshness and beauty ” and sparkling “ fountains of loveliness,” in the home-manufactured puffs of the music-shops. Now to criticise it, a8 AZEXANDER SuitrH and Brixtey Ricuarps have been criticised :— Verse 1. From shore to shore.—From the Ettrick Shepherd's ‘‘’Tis echoing loud Srom shore to shore.” The cannons roar.—From Byrrox, Childe Harold. ‘‘ Arm, arm, it is, it is, the cannon’s roar.” Verse 2. The kittens.—From the well-known nursery song— “ We're all in the dumps, for diamonds is trumps, And the kittens are gone to St. Paul’s ; The babies are bit, and the moon’s in a fit, And the houses are built without walls.” ” Wag their tails:—From Smaksreare’s Two Gentlemen of Verona, Act ii. Be. 5. “My dog * * * will shake his tail.” Verse 8. The welkin rings out.—From SHaksPeaReE again. Pistol’s “Why, let welkin roar.” Less or more.—From THACKERAY'S ** T dare do all that may become a man, He who dares more is neither more nor less.” Verse 4. From the Common Prayer Book of the Church of England, as by Law established. “ See Nature shine !” Both bright and gay.—Paraphrase from Bitty Taytor. “ Both cruel severe.” Verse 6. From the Spelling-Book description of the Zodiac. Verse 7. And merry England.—From the Dunciad (note) :— “ In merry Old England it once was the rule That a king was allowed both his poet and fool.” Seems.—From Hamlet. ‘‘I know not seems.” To say.—From the Battle of the Books :— “« WALKER, our hat, nor more he deigned to say, But stern as Ajax’s spectre, strode away.” Verse 8 Stolen from the same sacred source as verse 4. Verse 9. His mother.—From Byrrow :— “ The drowsy camels’ bells are His mother looked from her lattice a oo Our gracious Queen.—From the National Anthem. Verse 10. Stolen, whole, from De For’s Journey thrdugh Bnglond. *‘He (Mart- BOROUGH) lives in Marlborough House, which is in every way answer- able to the grandeur of its master.” Verses 11 and 12. Plagiarised and spoiled from Watter Socorr’s description of Malcolm Graeme :— *< Vain was the bound of dark brown doe Verse 5. AU Nature shines.—From Youna. When Matcotm bent his English bow.” Verse 13. Then send.—From WHITEHEAD’s play, The Cavalier. me, and I will spit upon him.” Aloft.—From Drapiy. “ Tom is gone aloft.” os A joyous cry.—From Moore. ‘They hail him with a joyous ery.” Verse 14. While milkmen, &c.—We are disposed to credit this line with a certain originality, though Gay mentions milkmen, and the “clank of the sword,” so often alluded to in poetry, may easily have suggested that of the pail, especially as the sight of a sword often makes persons pale, as, notably, James THE Firstof England and Sixth of Scotland. Verse 15. Let the Hills.—From the Hebrew bard, Davin. And rocks reply.—From Fa.coner’s Shipwreck os “ All hands, unmoor !” proclaims a boist cry, ** all hands, unmoor!" the caverned rocks reply. Verse 16. See remarks on verses 4.and 8, to which we may add a complaint of what SHaksPEARE, the poet, calls “‘ damnable iteration.” “ Then send him to ” ”

There! That is true criticism, and that is what critics have done unto ALEXANDER SmirH and Brintey Ricnarps, and that is what Mr. Punch bath done unto the critics. Bless them!

Irish Vaccination. Proresson GamGrE says that, owing to the vagrant cur nuisance, “ Hydrophobia in man is increasing in Ireland.” This fact is one which Homeopathy may suggest some reason for not altogether deploring. The canine virus and the vaccine may be somewhat analogous ; and, if like cures like, many a happy cure may be effected by a mad dog biting a rabid Irishinan.

JHE MATERIAL OF STRIKES. A Merrie of the London Trades’ Delegates was held at the Sussex Hotel, Bouverie Street, under the presidency of Mz. Gzorncz Porrzr. Ha! These are lads of the right stuff—Porrer’s Clay.

Row the Life-Boat. A Meetine of the Royal National Life-Boat Institution was held on Thursday, last week, at Us house, John Street, Adelphi, Mz. Taomas CuarMan in the stern; Cuapman being Chairman. This valuable Institution appears to be going on swimmingly, but of course continual donations and subscriptions are required to keep it afloat,

Tue WestuinsteR Pray.—The Grosvenor Farce.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Apriz 15, 1865. _ HOW LITTLE PUGSBY ENJOYED A. PULL AFTER THE BOAT RACE. PUNCH TO THE ELECTORS OF WESTMINSTER. GENTLEMEN, AND OTHERS, : You will be good enough to elect Mr. Jonn Stuart Mut, giving him no trouble, and putting him to no expense. _ Many of you are very respectable pews, aud sufficiently well in- formed on the ordinary ogg the day, but I dare 0 that you do not know much about Mr. Mitt, or why I am justified in issuing a peremptory order which you cannot disobey. I will condescend to inform you, for it is the duty of all.to instruct the ignorant. Mr. M111 is, like myself; in. the full-vigour of life, and in the perfect possession of s id faculties. He was born in 1806, the year of another great Mill, that of Maida, in Sicily, when we licked double our number of French, and made a name for Siz Water Scort’s dog, and for Maida Hill, W. - » He~is the son: of James: Minx, the author of the great History India, anda pisoephic writer whose works you would not understand. I will not trouble you with much about synchronous sensations con- creted by. constant conjunction. Enough for you to know that your candidate’s, father, one of the finest intellects of any age, himself educated the gentleman who does you the honour to say that he will represent you. Jonn Stuart Mitt was placed in the service of the East India Company; and he rose from rank to rank by the only honourable means, desert. ‘He wrote admirably for various publications, always in’ the interest of the People, He was an Advanced Liberal in days when that name meant. something, and he is an advanced Liberal now, and knows what he means by Liberalism, namely, the improvement and elevation of the . He is asound thinker, and an eminently practical man. All his writi _tend to clear your minds from confusion and cant, to show you exac what you want, and how you are to get it. He was the friend and editor of the Great BewrHaw, and a fellow- labourer with Sim Witt1aM Moreswortu. His Political Economy is of the largest and wisest kind. You might as well try to put your Abbey into your St. Paul’s, Covent Garden, as try to humbug him on any subject w I should like to see the most adroit Minister or Parliament man attempt it. In srser relation of life Mr. Mit is the example which might be ex herefore, intelligent men, you penpeits that. when Mr. Mitt consents to represent Westminster, he co: an honour and a favour upon you. He will make Westminster a great Power in the House of Commons. You will at once signify, unmistakeably, that no. other candidate need trouble himself to come forward. As for young Mr. Grosvenor’s being allowed to stand, under the circumstances, it is.as if a benefit were to be given at one of your theatres, and Mr. Macrgapy should offer to come forth and play Macbeth, but the Managers should insist in putting Mr. Tootz into that character. Elect Jonn Stuart Mit, and believe me, Gentlemen and Others, The People’s Old and Faithful Friend, And Fearless Adviser, ‘ PpaNcR. 85, Fleet Street, April 12, 1865, P.S. Don’t stand shilly-shallying, and scratching your heads, but call a great meeting and clench the nail, Old Downey’s Advice to Youth. - Espravoour the world to enjoy As much and as long as you’re able; Above all, with oe my boy, The sterling delights of the table.} Mark how the bee lays up a store, For eating hereafter, of honey, And what I say is, evermore Take care of your teeth, and make money. THE STRIKE EPIDEMIC, By accounts from Hull it appears that the Painters of that town are now out on strike. Striking seems to be catching. The Painters all over the kingdom will soon, doubtless, be having a brush with their masters. Printed by Wikiam Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. of London —Satuapay, April 15, 1865. im the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett of No. 11, Bouverie 8 ‘Whitefriars, City of Printers, at theirOffice in Lombard Street, in the Precinet of Whitefriare, City of London,and Published by them at Ne. 8, Fleet Street, in the in the Presiuct of of St. Bride, City

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| Aprit 22, 1865] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. NCE more, those who worked for'so many years with him who is gone would make a brief mention of Jonn Lzzcu. This time, it is for the sake of those whom he best loved, those for whom his splendid faculties were ever employed, those whose proudest inheritance is his name. The entire collection of his Sketches for the works with which he enriched the pages of this journal, is now prepared for [public sale, A private view will be afforded on Wednesday, the 19th, and the Sale, at the rooms of Messrs. CoRisTI2 AND Manson, King Street, St.)James’s, Gobn Beech, will begin on Tuesday, the 25th of the present month. On the exterior of this number of Panch the auctioneers supply all details. We insert this paragraph only as a tribute of that regard which does not willingly omit the slightest demonstration. Who is not eager to have a memorial of Joun Lzrcu, who will not feel doubly gladdened in its possession by the knowledge that the purchase has added to the store which it was the labour of Joun Lxon’s life and love to set aside for those nearest his heart ? Fleet Street, \sth Aprit, XLVIII, HOUSEHOLD HORRORS. OW delight ol, when ant married, Twas in lodgings while we tarried, Ne’er b those vexations ~ el Which we’re now entangled in But the pecupert ge addition To our married life’s fruition Us out of our blest | ition Drove, housekee to begin. east Oo See Pane Oak wens Welatty d each local rate, that waxes fiver , on its axis As planet rolls away, pep? ped np Rd aaay Ate expenses, ch, on various pretences, We were called upon to pay. Then on us the tribulation Came of servants ; depredation, Insolence, intoxication. Followers also did abound ; Oft a Guardsman in a lobby. Down the area oft a “ Bobby, = Cold meat being that man’s obby, Ever and anon we found. But the miseries that tried us, Most of all that did betide us, Comfort and repose denied us, And unsettled our affairs, Were the constantly accruing, Each on other fast ensuing, Endless jobs that wanted doing ; Alterations and repairs. Smelling drain, or chimney smoking, Damp, through this or = — soaking, How pas me | provokin Water-pipe or boiler ee $ Tronmonger, painter, plumber, Carpenter, with noise and lumber Pained our eyes and broke our slumber : But the bricklayers were the worst. Knocking, hammering, bricks = mortar, Through long days that we wished shorter, Rubbish, dust, in every quarter Were the torment of our souls ; Scaffolding our home surrounded, Hodmen’s, een shouts resounded, Like strange demons, in confounded Babel, while they clomb the poles. O that we could build, like turtles, In the cedars, or the myrtles, With the foliage to avert ills From our snug and quiet nest, Which would never want repairing : , for masons never caring, We, domestic pleasures sharing, _ enjoy our home in rest.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Apri 22, 1865. GROSS FLATTERY. Emily. “Give ME A BIT oF Oranges, Crom!” Cecil. “On, Ad! I DaRE say! AFr£R YOU'VE CALLED ME A Pia!” Emily. “An! Bot I meant a PrRzTry Pia.” A TOUCHING TALE.. List ! all who have a heart to feel The Ensign’s plaintive lay ; Tis sung by hearts that fear no steel When foes are in the way: *Tis echo of the nightly song, The plaint that ’s daily m: By that young alent warlike throng So vastly underpaid. We must examinations, Expensive clothes must have, On certain foreign stations Must work like any slave : And very large subscriptions To Band and Mess we pay On our daily Five and Threepence— Our Five and Three a day. I ask’d a man, the other day, Who worked with tiles and bricks, “ My friend, what is your daily pay '~ He answered, “ Five-and-S He whistled blithe and gladly : “ A richer man than me!” I said, and left him sadly— * I’ve only Five-and-Three.” Qn India’s burning plains we broil, In Canada we freeze ; We languish on Bermuda’s soil, *Mid sickness and disease : Battle and death, afar from home, We face, and do not shrink ; Look back on Delhi’s hecatomb— And Tchernaya’s brink ! When England on the battle-field Her standard does unfold, Those rally round who never yield— Who do not fight or But he who fights in field or fray, His country’s fame to raise, Should England stint his And starve him all his hard-earn’d pay ? days ? EXTRAORDINARY INSTANCE OF RAPID RECOVERY FROM DISEASE. From the Daily Papers of Saturday, April 8. BisHor oF Oxrorp fo Mr. FisHer, House of Lords, Friday, April 7. April 5, 1865. The BisHop or Oxrorp.—Before Tr would have been a sad satis. the House rises for the holidays, I faction to me to have been able to should like to ask my noble friend pay that mark of respect to the the Lorp Presipent or THE Coun- reat Sussex Englishman who has C11, whether he is able to give your en, from us, so prematurely taken Lordships any further information away. But 1am barely recovering OD the subject of the epidemic at myself from a severe bronchial St. Petersburg, &c., &c. affection, and am only allowed at present to go out with precaution, and conditions which would make me quite unable to venture to Lavington on Friday, &c., &c. THE PERIS OF PARIS. Surety Paris is a Paradise for the daughters of Ever, if not for the sons of ApaM. The correspondent of the Post at that capital thus writes ;— ‘ “ A gentleman took us into a milliner’s shop in the Rue de la Paix this week to see a ball-dress which cost 25,000 francs (£1,000). It appears the voluminous lace had brought it up to that price. A married lady’s evening dress in our day gene- rally costs from £80 to £100, and is so contrived that it must of necessity be torn when worn in society.” There, girls, you whom limited circumstances oblige to content your- selves with an occasional purchase of a linsey or a winsey, an alpaca, a poplin, a mohair, or a tarlatan for evening wear, what think you of the elicity of wearing costing a thousand pounds a-piece ? Might one not imagine that such dresses are trimmed with bank-notes ? Hear what the interesting writer above quoted further says about the blest existence of the lovely Parisian ladies :— “ Are we coming to some golden age when a blind Plutus enables every one to live in splendid a ents crowded with ly Louis THE FoorTgeENTH furniture, occupied by lovely women who spend, if moderate, £1000 per annum on dress ; horses and carriages awaiting below—the very best horseflesh England can produce. How is all this done ?” Great, indeed, must be the moderation shown by these beauties if, when a single ball-dress can cost as much as £1,000, they are satisfied with spending no more than that sum on the wardrobe of a whole year. But you, sweet girls, would perhaps deem it the height of happiness to be enabled to rejoice in apparel to the amount of even that compara- tively moderate figure. There is happiness for you—to envy? No, to regard with that delight which the amiable ever take in the enjoyment which others experience and they themselves don’t. You can contem- plate, with sympathetic pleasure, the blessedness which those fair beings realise. You derive a gentle gratification from imagining the employ- ment which they give to milliners, whilst you are occupied, like indus- trious ducks, in ing up your own , whose materials perhaps cost little more than two pounds altogether. On the other hand, these Peris of the Parisian Paradise, if they have any imagination at all, may sometimes, for amusement, imagine themselves at work with the needle, and the sewing-machine, in the manufacture of their own clothes. When you are told that the sumptuous French Peris have the very best horseflesh that England can produce, waiting below, you may have reason to sup that some of it waits on the table. The lords of some of those ladies may belong to the Société Hippophagique, and be accustomed to feast them occasionally on such meat as Blair Athol, at £100 a steak. For they, you know, must n be dear creatures, but you, my dears, are much dearer. They may suit the means of a French Jdilionzaire, but you are the lasses for an Knglishman’s money. é

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*. Apri 22, 1865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. NAN i “ae me \ “i” oR QNQNR QQ ‘ AN AS ‘ \ Say &) ASN SQN \ — ! rr SY? 3 vil Db. a a: S3 WE oS ete! SESE WAS SS : : \ \ \ » ~ ve * y Ra I) ; wy et ‘ ts OY Ze SS i ON 2 WY Ae —~ —~ : ~ \ I Y ¢ / Ce fia) = AY AN EASTER OFFERING. A SIGHT FOR A PARENT, Mr. Poncu, ; Drat them boys dressin up like monks—monkeys, I say—in cowls and frocks and no trousers, sandals without stockins, and beads, and all that foolery, livin in a make-believe monastry, and callin their- selves Fathers and Brothers. Raly them there Hanglican youth ort to be looked arter _ in at Roman Catholics. It is a very dangerous amusement, Sir, honless practised hunder propper hoversite. Beeold the consequences of pursooin sitch diversions to ixcess, exibited in this here - o news witch I cutt hout o the Mornin Post tuther day with my sithers :-— “ Brorner IoNativus.—BroTseEr Ionativs and the brethren of the English order of Saint Benedict have been observing Lent with extraordinary rigour, and have fasted themselves into such a debilitated state that a day or two since BROTHER Ioxativs had to be carried out of chapel. Mrs. Lyne, his mother, is now in Norwich, and insisted, it is understood, upon her son partaking of some substantial refreshment which she caused to be prepared for him.” _ Bless her art. I can feel for IcnasHuses peor mother, seein wot a livin skeletone her son was a makin of is self trying to beyond the papistes in keepin of Lent. I’m sure she must be a sensible ooman, and I can well fancy her takin of im by the shoulders, or the cape of his frock, and givvin im a good shake and sayin to him, “ Come, Jack,” or Tom, or whatever his rale name is, “ bother that are bread-and-water soop meee slops and sojers! now you sit down there direckly this moment, I insist upon it, and tuck in that there rump stake and them taters, and drink up that pot o stought. If you don’t set to and do as tells you, and take summut this minnit, I’ll box your ears. A ruinin your constitution like that there stuff and nonsense.” If Ienashus was my boy, and I cort im at hany of his monkey’s tricks, blest if I woodn’t cram him as we does turkis at Xmas. The Landry, April, 1865, Betsy JonEs. PROGRESS OF PHILANTHROPY, Warten mm a Worxnovse.—A First-Rate Cook. MYSTERIOUS ADVERTISEMENT. Mr. Ponca, You_ know everything, from Cabinet secrets to DAVENPORT shams, from the earliest fossil to the latest fashion. Can you throw any light on the following announcement ?— post FREE. COILS OF SUNSHINE. 12 stamps. _ What a bright ideal What a cheap and enlivening investment for dingy days! (For the meaning of the advertisement flashed across me after I had given an additional stamp—with my foot—through vexation at being beaten, but I shall not enlighten my race until I have heard from ey But are we not making too free with the sun? Photographers have done their best to stare the daily luminary out of countenance, irritating his spots, and appropriating his “ pencils;” and now some audacious speculator is going to take the shine out of him, and drop it into our letter-boxes in company with Infant Orphans, old Ports, and prank pg districts. Has the “Ray” ge share in the scheme? Will Stantey or ALDERLEY allow it? Will he not rather prohibit sunshine, along with fireworks (except squibs, if addressed to 85, Fleet Street), lucifer matches, paraffin, petroleum,and other combus- tible articles P he does not, then our post will indeed be a pattern post. But how can such an inflammable enclosure be secured? What wax has ever been?manufactured that will not melt before it like butter on a July morning? What envelopes, however adhesive, will submit to be hot pressed in this way? Untie me these knots, for I am burning to know what you think, especially as I have been startled by a shoc report that the speculators, if they find themselves doing a good (sun stroke of business, intend to supply us with rolls of earthquake by book-post ; and rumours are rife of negotiations with the lessees of the Milky Way, which, if successful, will enable the eontractors so to = it as to furnish Opera Companies, Theatres, Dinner and Evenin arties with stars of any magnitude, in a twinkling, by the L. P. D. G. Moonshine they do not propose to deal in, as that article may now be had in unlimited quantities, and without the necessity of cash payments, The House of Commons, for instance, is illuminated with it nightly. Yours respectab!y, Wynkyn DE Cuarre.

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160 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprit 22, 1865. . =o THE VOLUNTEER REVIEW. Taz Portrait oF Private O’LOcKER ON FINDING HIS BILLET IS AT A TrxtTotaL Hore. THE NEGRO’S PLACE IN NATURE. (To the Ethnological Society.) Saaes of that zetetic band Who, with discussion free, Which few Societies will stand, Pursue Ethnology ; You have been looking up of late. Last week you had a grand debate In Nature, if bee in 1s, Ind A Rey brother, or of Below our-nobler race. The Negros wool, the Negro’s skin, The Noes hea, the N sr, shin, e 8 e "s Are data whence you con Your inferences pro and con, That Quasuzx is, or not, as Jon. ial angle, too, To note, whith Negrocs all exhale, 0 But oat all Sha mek do. DIsRAELI’s onion, widely known of Punch doth worlds amuse, pe or Angel, is your own. Oh, tell us which you choose! Philosophers, are we To cherubs or the chimpanzee ? With you that question hangs. Have we rich ves, who soar Bright seraphim, or have we poor In the orang-outangs ? The Negro’s and Gorilla’s shape What bars tack anthropoid is an! ape To that pithecoid man ? If any, the Gorilla’s proved Our cousin some degrees removed ; If none, with fellow men And angels Quasuese takes his stand ; With Micuast, Gasrrer, RaPHakt, and Accordingly with Bsn. A COMPULSORY FAST-DAY. Waar a pity it is that earnest Clergymen, who wish the British Public to ane the whole of Sunday and the other festivals of the Church in religious exercises, do not endeavour to persuade them to do so by the cultivation of pulpit eloquence, instead of by attempting to take measures to deprive them of the means of following their own inclinations towards diversion ! “ Observance of Good Friday,” r of the rural deanery of Canterbury, held a few days since, a resolution was adopted for the tation of an address to the directors of the South-Rastern, and London, Chatham, and Dover Railway cence, requesting them “to take into consideration the service they woul confer on religion by ceasing to run Excursion Trains on Good Fridays.” There is too much reason to fear that the gentlemen thus requested to deprive not only themselves, but also their constituents, of the most table day’s business in the whole year did not receive the invitation erform that sacrifice of dividends with all the respect which the F and poe Ue motives, of their reverend memorialists de- served, Among Railway Directors there are not only gentlemen of the Hebrew persuasion, but also Members of the Society of Friends, and other dissenting Christians, who, on the ground of objecting to what they deem a superstitious observance of days, refuse to observe Good Friday. All these gentlemen might be likely to make the great mistake of resenting the solicitation to stop their excursion trains on that holi- as a piece of ene. however, the Directors appealed to by a section of Church of r ergymen with a request to forego their own gains, an withhold the means of holiday taking from the communi , at large, were to return those divines a suitably respectful answer, they woul potheps reply, that they Aad taken into consideration the service the would confer on religion by ceasing to run Excursion Trains on Fridays, and on consideration, were convinced that they should not confer any. They might proceed to point out to their Reverences that pom are not driven into Church by being shut out of the Crystal alace, or debarred of Exeursion Trains; and, they might add, the A paragraph in a contemporary, headed states that at a Meeting of the Clergy certain result of exclusion from sober enjoyment would be that of Ane oy t whereon th ere is some in the argument w e clergy of the rural deanery of Canterbury, to the number of twenty-one out of twenty-three, rested their vocation to ask the Directors to stop Good excursion trains. They stated “that they were aware the working classes require recreation, but Good Friday is the one day in the year which ey distinctive and peceling features for religious observance.” Why, so does Christmas Day. So does every Sunda according to the Sabbatarians, whether Churchmen or Dissenters. [| the pious desires of all the sanctified mee who want to impose their own way of observing (Sundays and holidays upon other people, were gratified, the working classes would pretty soon have no recreation at all, The Clergy of the rural deanery of Canterbury will perhaps be recom- mended by the Railway Directors, with whose business they have attempted to interfere, to confine themselves in future to their own province, the province of Canterbury, and not to travel out of it into Sho are the two Cl t of twenty-three who signalised thei o are the two en out 0 a who eir od sense by refusing their signatures to the memorial against Good iday excursion trains? Their names should be known to discerning atrons with large Church aging at their dis and admiring om from assumption, folly, and hypocrisy. We may suppose that those two parsons are wise men. Is the University Boat Race a Myth ? Tae Bisnor or Numsens presents his compliments to Mr. Punch, and wishes; to know if the University Boat. Race ever took place. He has heard much about the “Oxford Eight,” but as all the latest ac- counts show conclusively that there must have been sine men in it, he is obliged to conclude, that there never was such a thing as the “O ord oy * and consequently, that the Boat Race could never have taken place,

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Aprit 22, 1865.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. BALLAD MINSTRELSY. * . . *je are admit; but is the fact that she is soa reason for writing a ballad about it? As to. song, it is simply an anatomical absurdity. When does the heart of a man This ballad is useful, however, as an illustration of the shifts to which a sometimes driven fora rhyme. Probably the author (whoever he was) wanted a rbyme to me,” and accordingly dragged in “thumb” neck-and-crop, without ain, what could Tom * All the brave fellow could have known about “ turns” | must have been derived from seeing his enemies accomplish them; and as to “ shakes,” beyond | a shake or two of the foretopsail now and then, he probably knew no more about them than it) co | to the question whether there was room for it. , to do with “turns and shakes ?” the Nelson Column itself. A little further on is the following idiotic drivel :— ** When I followed a Lass: on Octaves and Skips.” we come to such nonsense as this :— Another rhyming emergency : “skips” introduced, no doubt, to rhyme with “lips.” Then ** The Blue Belis of Scotland : for the Acquirement of Volubility of Finger.” We are not quite clear as to what “ volubility of finger” is. We have, of course, heard of volubility of tongue; and “bells,” whether with one ¢ or with two, are usually proficients in }- that accomplishment. Probably, volubility of r means skill in the dumb alphabet. If it doesn’t, we give it up. Then comes— ** We'll gang nae mair to yon Town: on the Use of the Pedals” ow nonsensically absurd are the greater number ofdrawing-room ballads! Take the following : No doubt a clumsy Scotch way of saying that specimens, for next time they go, they won’t walk, A little lower down is— “Oh, whistle and I'll come to you, my lad : on Delicacy.” This we think can be explained. “On deli- cacy” is an sriahione A apy x le C3 it is probably a note by a right-thinking © it Spay Lest a Trish editor, which has been printed by mistake. Volubility of | But what was Cocks & Co.’s reader Performanes. | a! “ When the Heart Te following is probably a pugilistic ode :— * The Mil, the Mill, 0/ on various useful passages.” A ghastly motif is suggested by the subjoined :— ** Early one Morning: on rapid and brilliant Execution,” The taste which suggests the publication of such ribaldry cannot be too severely reprehended. Here is a song which curiously illustrates the carelessness of the Irish character :— ** Nora’s Purse: on a natural and graceful style.” Nobody but an Irish man or woman would have been so careless as to leave a purse in such an exposed situation. Catch a Scotchman doing 80 we have— ** Peggy Bawn: on Skips.” We give this up. A stern moral lesson is read in the next line ;— ** A Rejected Lover: on Velocity.” He has been unable to give up his old habits of dissipation (notwithstanding that he has — his love), and he has been found out ! ne more quotation, which we will not attempt to criticise :— “ The pretty Maid milking a Cow: in the style ofa Romance.” ** Tom Bowline : on Turns i and That a lovely lass is likely to be an excellent authority on vo- lubility of per- formance, we repared to the second pes his thumb P th-rate poet is ying an OWLINE have rey music-publishers of position should be careful ho how they peril their professional standing by publishing such abject nonsense ? THE CARTOONS, Tae Cartoons are likely to be removed to London. Hampton is in a most unhappy frame of mind, and as much cut up as RarraELiz’s great works once were. Kingston is the picture of despair. Kew means to consult aQ.C., and at Teddington things have come to a dead-lock. ‘The “ Twitnam” folks complain that people are already twitting ’em. The Palace is in a maze. A Court mourning is expected. Not content, like “‘ great Awna,” to “ counsel take,” pton retained an ex-Chancellor to plead her cause before his Peers. He seems to have been assisted by other noble personages, for there was more than one Count in the indictment he preferréd. First, the gates had been carried off, the gates “ that it must have been a faction to the thousands of the working classes who visite Hampton ourt to see.” tal of this sad story almost “drew iron tears ox satis- The reci But were these gates such a comfort to the down Suepxn’s cheek.” London mechanic out for his Sunday holiday? Did all his enjoyment hinge upon them? Did he do nothing but draw them, study them dmire them, until they wrought in him a determination to forge a-head and rival their producer, Huytixeton Suaw, the clever Nottingham blacksmith P as there not metal more attractive in the other glories of the Palace? This must have been said ironically. “The naked empty pedestals”? were the next thing on which Lozp St. Lzowarps based a grievance. As the statues appear to have been removed some forty or fifty years ago, Hampton must now, after half a century of stony grief, be pretty well d. Lop Granviiie, however, allayed the anxiety of the House by an assurance that it pe wyag Cowrzr’s Task to see that things no longer remained in But the worst woe of all was the threatened departure of those Rartoons which “ hundreds and thousands of people went down to see.” th they? There is a secret belief that they go down to bewilder emselves in the maze and play at kiss-in-the-ring,\to gad after the gadding vine,” to enjoy (like sensible people) the turf and the trees the chesnuts and the flowers, to feed the gold and silver fish, an refresh themselves with sandwiches and beer. It is whispered that of all the thousand and odd pictures that will still be left in the Palace, the “ hundreds and thousands” care far more for Zhe Grecian Daughter and the great gun of the collection, 4 Child Discharging a small Cannon, than for RaFFaELLE treasures and AnpREA Mantecna “ triumphs.” But, says the voice from Boyle Farm, “ No foreigner ever came to London without visiting Hampton Court, and when he got in sight of the Palace, his first question always was, ‘Where are the Cartoons?’” A fact. No sooner‘does the “foreigner” arrive at the South-Eastern terminus than, from the ocean, and without even changing his collar, he jumps into a Hansom, and drives straight away to pton Court, and when he gets in sight of the Palace gesticulates to Cabby to reveal to him where the Cartoons are. Perhaps the “ foreigner” will not object to a shorter and less ex- pare ride, and be quite as well satisfied to see the Cartoons at South ensington as at Hampton Court. At all events the Englishman may be expected to aes in the proposed arrangement. Can there be a doubt that in London the Cartoons will be better hung, better lighted, and, therefore, better seen? Hampton not have one visitor the less through their absence, South Kensington will have many more from their presence, After being lodged in Palaces and thrust into cellars, after finding’a friend in CuaRLEs and a “ Protector” in CromweExt, the Cartoons will not experience their worst vicissitude in being displayed in one of the Galleries of the .South Kensington Museum. Hampton need not harass herself about the loss of these marvellous tapestry designs. She has still her many “ Beauties,” and so long as summers gladden and chesnuts blossom, must ever keep open house for thousands of happy guests. Her courtiers are such as never tire of their homage, her train will always be in waiting, May her laurels be evergreen, may her yews never be used up !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARTI. [Apri 22, 1865, — moun awa ~ JAUTERATION \ TO A GREAT MIND NOTHING So. IS IMPOSSIBLE. Paterfamilias in Ireland (who has been detained some time in the Station collecting his Large Family and Luggage.) “ WHY, CONFOUND YOU, You FeLuow, WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY TELLING ME THAT YOU HAD A CONVEYANCE THAT COULD TAKE OUR WHOLE Party oF TEN, AND GETTING ME TO SEND AWAY THE OTHER CaBMEN?” Car-Driver. “Wet, anD SHURE It’s THE TruTH I TOULD YER ’ANNER. SEF, NOW, I’LL TaKE Srx ON THE Krak, AN’ AS MANY RUNNIN’ AFTHER IT AS YE LIKE!” MY SON, SIR! Henre’s Fecuter despairing of Robert Macair-ing, And in SHAKsPEaRE afraid of a fall, Sir, To make folks more eager to see his Belphegor, In the Bill sticks his son “ Littte Pav,” Sir. Methinks if the father have fallen off, rather, Tn his guondam or quasi attraction, There’s not much to be done by the pul! of the son, Spite of puffing and posters in action. Can the notion be drawn from our own dear Lorp Jouy, Who to give RussExt-rule due endurance, And enforce Russett-creeds, introduces to Leeds NamBy-PAMBERLEY’s modest assurance ? Papas will be pa’s, as Mammas will be ma’s : And a father’s faith why should we undo P Let ’s hope “ Fecurer et Fils” may obtain more success Than their prototypes “ Russet anp Son” do. Yankee Pat. THE annexed problem was proposed the other day in the Zimes:— ** Wants ExPLANATION.—The St. Louis Democrat of the 11th of March bas the following paragraph :—‘ PaTrick RBINE, British subject, released from Gratiot on taking the oath of allegiance.’ ” This statement is easily explained. The oath of allegiance taken by Patrick Rune was an oath of allegiance to the United States, and Patrick Rupe was an Irishman. NATURE’S REVENGE AGAINST BIRD-MURDER. (To Members of the Sussex Sparrow Clubs.) Boosres,—Read, as many of you as can, this extract from the Gateshead Observer :— “Brrpv Murper.—The President of the Naturalists’ Field Club (the Rev. G. C- Ass) stated on Thursday, at the Annive: Meeting.of the Club, that he had been calculating the number of caterpillars which’ the 6,000 pee: killed by a member of the ‘ 8 w-Club’ in Essex, and for which he actually received a prize of 10s., would have eaten. The amount was 6,307,000,000. While the clod- hoppers of Sussex are killing sparrows by the thousand, the A colonists are importing them at a considerable expense from England, to act the part of protectors of the crops, and thereby of promoters of the comforts of the people.” Bird-murderers of Sussex, behold the folly of your Essex brethren. Essex is a county of which’ the inhabitants, not without reason afforded by some of them, are derisively called calves. The member of the Sparrow-club in Essex who killed 6,000 sparrows, that would have destroyed 6,307,000,000 caterpillars, might well be called an Essex calf of the first magnitude, if it were not better to call him a great ass. You, and such as you, have procured for the people of your county the denomination of Sussex boars; and the obstinacy with which you persist in trying to exterminate the useful little birds, is peculiarly swinish. In thus running counter to the teaching of naturalists, see how enormously you injure your own interests. So the pig swims against the stream, and clowns, bumpkins, louts, numskulls, block- heads, dolts as you are, know what is the consequence. QUESTION FOR SCIENTIFIC COUNTRY MAGISTRATES, SHovxp you hold it a sufficing plea on the part of a poacher who had oo : a that he was irresistibly drawn to the animal by Capillary raction en

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Apnrit 22, 1865. Emrvent (F. 0.) Perrormer . » Ean R—t, | * My Son, Sir!” “STRENGTHENING THE BILL.” IN. ORDER TO INCREASE THE ATTRACTION OF AN APPROACHING REVIVAL, AN EMINENT FOREIGN (OFFICE) PERFORMER INTRODUCES HIS SON INTO THE CAST.—Vide Mr. Fecurer’s Playbills, . Viscount AMB-R-LEY. ——eee

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EE the ih, SIE ee Se che ee ene eet ae

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Avrit 22, 1865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 165 THE FETICHE COMPANY (LIMITED). ; HERE was a Meeting of Lea) ) Ss Capitalists and others in- terested in the promotion of the Society in course of formation under the above title, nag me at their rooms in Aldgate. The Chair was taken by Mr, Mam- MONS. fe The CHarnMan said it was in contemplation to form a Joint-stock Association on the principle of limited liabi- lity, with the view of creating what there was every reason to believe would prove a highly profitable concern, The mussels them fellers ad, you wouldn’t scarce believe, It swelled out on their shoulders like a fashi sleeve. Their like a Blacksmith’s, only a yw whiter, r. They wore their trowsers turned up short, as they rode, And made us henvious to nee what Calves they shode! But tho stun apiece, there werent a hounce of Phat, For their ¢ sollid muscle, which ome aven’t much of that. I’m told for before the match they roar beef, Which their must get monottinous, icatway in my belief: : 4 . + others in them there says I, = he branch of Commeree Tie ait fara ny war sl an this Compas to. develop men like ANTING, as are bulky in their figger, 4 __ would be the traffic in objects | Gould never ave to row in a r! SSS of worship with the various | Then there was eaps of steainers a follerink the tribes of savages who prac-| and the ‘il had blue ribbin a dawning of their coats ; tised the religion called|m,. they were light blue, for their crew were lighter men, —— ha Fig wnny = 3 = Tho their was doubtless eavy at their being beat agen. = the same way by some houses Hour ladies Hosferd they wots “eS =~ a irmi ; at Birmingham, but the 3 3 _ Society contemplated ny scale of operations. Our Indian Empire offered an unbounded field for the cultivation of this line among those of the natives who adored deities coming under the description of hardware. The same goods—or gods —might be manufactured for the Fiji market with a certainty of remu- neration. A splendid prospect for enterprise in the idol-trade was opened up by the late discoveries of Dz. Livivestons, CaPramy uRton and others in the interior of Africa, where an abundant harvest might be reaped notwithstanding the exertions of the Missionaries, } Pgtrer said that most attempts to convert savages were failures. The natives would worship logs and stones, and other material objects, the supply of which, in the shape of manufactures, was as legitimate a branch of business as any other, that of dealing, for instance, in gunpowder and instruments of destruction. Mr. Tinxey, with reference to the amount{of capital which might bei required for e ‘undertaking, inquired if the manufacture of the objects destined indigenous worship would be expensive. Would they consist of dolls P he CHatmman said that fetiches were adopted by the lowest savages from all sorts of objects, animate and inanimate. With this fact in view, figures of toads, , lizards, snakes, cats and dogs, and other forms of C fashioned, as well as human, vegetable or mineral forms, to suit the fancy of expected customers. : Mz. Dresins mechanisms capable of being set in moti troduced among the native races as objects of adoration, "tks Guanes oak ep ald probably go d look e CHAIRMAN said they would probably go down—that is, look up— among natives of bart my Ora rd eg Mz. Dissiws thought that, for example, a good stroke of business ht be done with small mechanical fetiches worked by steam. he Cuarnmaw, in reply, observed that such scientific fetiches as those would be expensive, and too good for barbarians, on whom the wonders of mechanism would be thrown away. It was like, as some- body or other had said, “casting pearls before swine.” A very high state of civilisation—a degree of civilisation and enlightenment as ad- vanced as our own—was requisite to enable people to worship the Steam- © The terms of a Prospectus of the proposed Fetiche Company were then settled; and a vote of thanks to the Chairman closed the pro- E : "2 : i our Coachman, which upon the bocks I sat, And we’d each a dark blue favour as Miss Kate made for our at, Says I, some Hosford feller have been saying somethink sweet. Says 1, hit’s that young kovey as she met in Grosvenor Street: _ But, says I, them oll Fellers they can’t marry, I’ve heard said, Says E, i’d leave any fe any aad Miss Kars instaid, For I’m sure there aint no kolledge as can offer such a prize, ing i to a look in her blue eyes ! Se s I, men dont read blue books, exceptin they ‘re MPs, thus we were conwersing, such a crowd on orseback shode ! For some rode on the river some rowed on the road. T were hallmost like the Derby Day, there was such eaps of nage, And Snobs they druv their donkey-carts and Nobs they drav their drags. My complexion suffered horfil from the sunshine and the dust, And R! we hadnt nothink to relieve us from our thust. But as they come a galloping, a trotting and a prancing, The shouting and the ollering it set our orses dancing, And fearink of a haccident we would have drav away, But Miss Kars she wouldent ear of it and bade us for to stay : Get down, she says, and old their eads ; which if I mite persoom a sotty vochy, a ey es = a = one ut thinking it might save er io as | were told, I went at wunce and did it, like a Ero brave and bold. Which to stand afore 2 orses a pawing and a prancing, I found it reether diphicult to “a from advancing : Heach momink I expected they ’d be trampling on my toes, : And the haggerny I suffered at that prawspick goodness nose ! R! every time they give a prance, it set my Art a beating, eppy es an ut as ys my ground, Hattraeting hadmiration from all the ladies round : Which if is a man on earth who ’s their devoted slavey, It is your wmble servink Joux Tomaus Hor BELGRAVEY. MR. JOHN THOMAS AT THE BOAT RACE, Tats comes he my dear Punch, as it may find U in good ealth, Which without it there’s no benefit in wittles or in wealth. R! 1’d reether be a Popper, and be ’earty, ale and strong, Than a Creesgs with the toothache or the eadache all day long ; For tho you gets no wenson in the workouse, nor no wine, You couldnt with the enjoy them when you dine: And tho there aint no allowed for workis foke, A Crerses e E can’t his smoke Cos when you’d like to take a pipe, you ave to take a pill. But talki good eal Dy tC shonld bave gane with me The Boat the Cantal f, Hoxoniums to oF * SOUNDINGS. Te following has appeared several times in a Daily local paper :— ‘ SOUNDS IN THE AIR. I THOMAS LAKE, have, for the = month, pen BEARING 2 General Conversation, between en omen ? 4 along, and I wish to know if there are any other persons in Swansea who have beard the THOMAS LAKE, Swansea. We recommend the Davexrort Brothers to communicate with this kindred spirit; for, as they ha tately been getting a knot too fast, and ing nk of he hey will be lighted to obtain any soun

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Apri 22, 1865. not Aaa Weak v NN Sa & Se | |) WES és =~ (S83 CAS] “SHARP ’S THE WORD.” ENTER LORD BLASONBY (HASTILY) TO SIT FOR HIS PORTRAIT IN STODGE'S PICTURE OF THE CHALKSHIRE HUNT. Stodge, “I UNDERSTOOD YOU TO SAY YOU WOULD COME YESTERDAY, MY LORD; anD I am EncaGep THIs Morninc. Laby FLouncer Is COMING at ONE o’CLOCK.” My Lord. “Haw! Josr mn tTimg, THEN. Cut away. You’vE Got a coop Ten Minutes. "Wants A QuaRTER TO Onz, Now!” BURKING IN THE CHAMBER OF DEPUTIES, In the French Chamber of Deputies, the other day, M. Guéroutr had the audacity to make a speech, occupying several columns of the Moniteur, on and st the progress of Ultramontanism, or, as the vulgar say Popery, in France. . GuéROULT vexed the faithful portion of his audience, devoted to the Holy See, by reading a catalogue of the principal religious orders that occupy themselves in inculcating loyalty to Porz Prus on the subjects of the Emperor Napoueon. He was very properly interrupted by frequent cries of “ Assez/ Assez/!” and during the remainder of his address the representatives of the good Jesuits made strenuous endeavours to put him down by clamour. To these logical confu- — M. Guérovtr could give no better answer than the following—which, in , he gave :— * Perm issez- in i s.. eameng ro yy ey ae ma discussion, car il me serait impossible de Why, of course. Wherein lies the main force of the argument resorted to by M. Guérovut’s opponents, but in that very damaging effect on a speaker’s self-possession? This unanswerable method of controversy has the further advantage of stopping the man in the middle of his sentence, and thus preventing him from giving, in its conclusion, the explanation required to elucidate its com- mencement. And, finally, it is so civil ! Dancing and Department. Te Morning Post informs us that the Ducuess or Somerset gave the last of a series of early dancing parties at the residence of the First Lord of the Admiralty, in Whitehall. Our fashionable Contemporary adds, that Coorr aND Tinney 8 band attended, and during the evening played, for the first time, the Pally aeeed ty, Mr. gan’ Ls hg aot Rayo ensthing about a ave been more particu suitable to the resi First Lord of the Admiralty, namely, the Sailor's Hornpipe. — THE TRANSIT OF TATTERSALL’S. Goon bye, old Corner, where so long Turf swells have loved to band, Since first old Tarr his broad-brimmed hat Showed in the well-known stand. Where, ninety years of Lo and fears, And nine to back of that, The sporting swell with nags to sell Still found a Tit for Tarr. How High-flyer raised TATTERSALL’S The House’s annals show : Since then how many a High-flyer Has TaTTERSALL’s brought low ! We boast the lengthened run that now Awaits a favourite play ; But from those steps a century Had looked at “ Settling Day!” If walls have ears, what startling tales Those old rooms must have heard : What sermons they might preach, the stones That paved that old court-yard ! Where o’er the pump (an emblem meet Of some that graced the ground,) The FourtH Gzorce from ambrosial curls Beamed forth “ Deportment” round. By those oak-pales the first Oaks’ stakes Were put down long ago: Germ of that Epsom growth that now All ring-fence doth outgrow. There the first Derby favourite Was measured by the yard: And there a century’s Sellengers Fortunes have made or marred. Till the world grew so fond of “ books, So giv’n to make the same That the old ground too small was found, For the Turf’s “ little game ;” As from Ais Grosvenor Place old Tart * Started to win life’s race, Young Tart, on fortune bent, agin Takes flight from Grosvenor Place. At Knighisheiion lo, a fair glass roof Stands for the old sheds : We’ve tiles as shiny ’neath our feet, As those upon our heads : But still we love the haunts where first The Turf’s keen breath we drew; And what recalls those ancient halls We best love in the new— The old brown fox, that from his boy Still peers with artful face, A bint that to the sharp as well As swift, is given the race. We miss the verdant lawn, where paced Crowds of mn men and still: The gravelled walk, which losers oft More gravelled, used to fill : And sadder loss than all—no more The old cow crops the lawn : Meek monitor of draughts to come From milch-cows yet undrawn ! Good bye, old yard, and may the new As long its honours wear ; And though they leave the Corner still, May Tarts be on the Square! * Old Tarr’s fortunes began with his leaving Eart Grosvenor, to whom he had been stud-groom, and leasing the Premises at the old oso FP to me Somos r 2 Powe

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Apri 22, 1865.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MMi?” lll) MMs y iis f | Hl Wail ih a NA W 2 aT) . oe ees % Y Lh “Uy ‘any ii ‘\ >] ING er Sth : a suit OU a A444 yf tb: (A Yui. ys 4, Gh, A ° S 4 47 \ as , thi hzy “Tf, AN OVERSIGHT. Little Officer (in temporary charge of Grenadser Company, reading from the Report Book.) “Joan Wa Ker.” J. W. “Sm.” Little Officer. ‘‘For Passina His OFFICER wiTsoUT SALUTING,” J. W. “ Pieass, Sir, ‘Low me TO Speak. Bea PaRpOoN, Sir, DIDN'T sEE You-—” Little Officer. “ Coms, Now, taat’s Nonsgensz, you KNOw—ExtRa Parabs.” THE AMERICAN NEWS. AL our regular political writers have gone out of Town for the Easter Holidays. But on receiving the important news which arrived on Saturday from America, and considering that a political leader was re- from us, we sent to a smart young penny-a-liner, informing him that Richmond and Petersburg had fallen, and desiring him to supply an article. We obtained in reply the following performance, which we | print, partly because we have got nothing else, and partly to shame the writer, who doubtless considers himself a person of average, or even higher intelligence. PUNCH. LEADING ARTICLE. “ Extraordinary news has just arrived. ‘ Richmond and Petersburg have fallen.’ Such tidings do not come every day. All surprises are unexpected, but this is the most unexpected surprise we ever had. That two important cities in different parts of the world should fall down at once, is truly strange, but that the news should come to us across the Atlantic ocean is one of those coincidences which make us say, with Homer, that there is indeed nothing new under the Sun. As regards the fall of Richmond, we are too grieved to be able to give vent to our emotions. That town, pleasingly situate on the banks of the hames, is connected with too many holiday associations for us to hear of its fall without regret. We recal luxurious dinners at the Gar and — charming walks in the Park, of which Porz might have ritten— “* Thy forests, Windsor, and thy green retreats Are full of monarchs and of gentlemen's seats.” And we cannot forbear a tribute to the excellent driving of the flymen who rattled in such dashing fashion from the hotels to the commodious station, All is gone, and Richmond has fallen. Let us only add, in the beautiful of funereal heraldry, Resurgam. But if the fall of a third-rate town be a misfortune, what shall we say of the fall of the capital of Russia? The proud metropolis built by the haughty but profligate CatHEeRine for her son PeTeR THE Great, and reflected in the blue waters of the Vistula, has also gone down, and consternation is spread over the dominions of the Autograph. Lisbon was once destroyed by an earthquake, and with the addition of a slight pelisse, Madrid’s and Petersburg’s climes are of a piece, remarkable words by Lorp Byron, which have now received an extraordinary illustration. Such poetical reminiscences crowd upon our mind at an exciting moment like this, and readers will feel with us, while we are recordi that .St. Petersburg has fallen, fallen, fallen, fallen, fallen from its hig: estate, and welters in the tide. Necessarily hurried] as are our remarks, they are written in the excitement of the moment, and we shall return to the subject when we are favoured with further par- ticulars. In the absence of these, {it would be premature to speculate upon the causes which have produced these es but as regards Richmond it may not be impossible that the enormous excavations which have been made for the cellars of the new and grand hotel near the Park Gates may have brought down the entire town into the abyss. The fall of Petersburg is more inexplicable, but it is built upon piles, and it is possible that the extreme dryness of the late weather may have produced dry-rot in those supports, which it must now be matter of regret were not fortified by some chemical process of a vulcanising c' ter. But it were ungenerous to reproach a nation at a moment of disaster, and we would rather say that as Aucustus found Rome of marble and left it of brick, so ALEXANDER may find a in ruins, and leave it in the course of architectural re-con- struction. We will only add, esto perpetual, and without pointing a moral, or aes a tale, will leave the remarkable news to the consideration of our readers until further notice.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Arn 22, 1865, A GCANDIDATE’S CATECHISM. Mvon difficulty and embarrassment being occasioned to Candidates at by the extremely inconvenient, not to say impertinent ing them questions, Mr. Punch has prepared the following ism, which he recommends to the oe d of gentlemen aspiring to represent their fellow subjects. The speeches are supposed to have been made, the non-electoral contributions of cats, eggs, and brickbats to ha’ duly forwarded, and the Candidate advances acne, yet y, to answer any question which may be proposed OATECHISM. lector. Leave off grinning, and answer this. What will you do about © ? answer frankly, that while I should regret to see the tifal venerable ees erected by the piety of our forefathers that the means of supporting them — to produce dissension. ws of myself did I hesitate to say that great advantage in promoting manliness of I would not willingly purchase ents which I should not consider “Bley, Fil you gn fr the allt? t t . L sole support any arrangement, ini eee a are best qualified to decide, may most feffectually conduce to the protection of the voter, and to the eliciting the real opinion of the nation. Elector. Will you turn the Bishops out of the House of Lords? Candidate. I thank you sincerely for giving me an opportunity of saying, that while profoundly attached to the Church of England, I will never be party to any system which appears to me to confer too much political power upon our A Elector. S08 7am Searoas Sepa Mesation t - : Candidate, Having studied fiscal subjects during my whole life, I am able instantly and unhesitatingly to reply that the adjustment of the burdens which may be ee the maintenance of national honour requires the utmost attention from any man deserving the name of a British Statesman. 7 ; Elector. What are your views on Parliamentary Reform ? oe Candidate. Most determined and definite. I hold that the British Constitution, like that of the human being, requires from time to time all the ameliorating influences which can brought to bear upon it, in accordance with the _— of experience and the dictates of wisdom. Elector. Will you knock off pensions ? _ Candidate. Most assuredly, wherever I am convinced that the pension is undeserved, and that its withdrawal will not cause a larger amount of private distress than would be} compensated for by the increase of public happiness. Elector. What about flogging in the Army and Navy ? Candidate, Can you ask me, or ig ag that I would give my support to any system which is OPI to the instincts of humanity? That the exigences of the and naval service may demand special punishments I may not be prepared to deny, but I am still more ready to declare my intense re ce to all unnecessary severity. Elector, Would you primogeniture ? ai Candidate. While in the most -natured spirit I respectfully suggest that the topic can have little practical bearing on the interests of the gentleman who addresses me, I respond that I must see ver strong reasons before I can support any artificial arrangement whic is not based upon apparent and natural justice. Elector. Are you for Manhood Suffrage ? Candidate, intense and almost awful respect for my fellow man makes me hesitate to say that I will consent to make him the subject of any legislation whatever, but be assured that I will give my most support to any policy tending to preserve all the rights of a Briton. Elector. Would you repeal the Malt Tax ? Candidate, It is the dearest wish of my heart that every man in England should be able to procure the beverage which will do him most and I will vote through thick and thin for the sake of providing im with an ample supply of that beverage. I think that my reply goes even further than my questioner intended. Elector. will you do for this borough ? Candidate. Everything that is consistent with patriotic regard for the eral interests of the nation, and I am sure that as a man and an Foglishman ou would desire no more. Hlector. Will you vote for war with Austria? (or as the case be. ya I am sure that the question, though an insult, is an unintentional one, and I therefore, rather in sorrow than in anger, ask the electors of this intelligent borough what they have seen a hee to} justify a belief that when the British lion intends a spring, I should attempt to paralyse its energy, or affix the chain of cowardice around its majestic mane. Gentlemen, the demand alm ost unmans me, but I feel that your sympathies are on me ee, and I rejoice to believe that my replies have ensured your approbation. All the Electors and Non-Electors. Pelt the beggar. A LOVE LAMENT, IN TWO SPASMS. FOUNDED UPON FICTION SPASM 1. Too candi(e) With ith sugared The Chandier p And owned his look The Miller—w Soon got the sack i His bran new suit assumed in vain, He ground his teeth and ed again. Indeed, with no desire to boast, It seemed that I might rule the roast : Her father gave me many a hint— He kept “The Lamb,” and served the Mint— That 1 was pe the sort of man He fancied for his Mary Ann; Her mother saw good traits in me, Appeased, I own, by bribery— A sweetbread now, and now a fry, And sometimes giblets for a pie— While Mary Ann herself confessed Of all her beaux she liked me best, And cut out cages for the flies, And coloured when I made sheeps’ eyes. SPASM Il. Farewell to all my killing looks, My dreams that she would keep my books ! Farewell “ the silver side” of life, And Mary Ann—the Brewer's wife ! Yes, little “ hops ” and Maltese lace Have robbed me of her ruddy face ; Full-bodied Hae and treble X Have won the loveliest of her sex : The storm that was so long a-brewing, as burst and laid my hopes in ruin, And, oh! the unkindest cut of all— They buy their meat of Mapox Batu! The times are out of joint, and I Look sheepish when she passes by : In yain I try to steel my heart, And act the injured lover’s part ; For one sweet smile, for one soft lock, I’d lay my head upon the block ; To win but one kind word or so, Down on my marrowbones I'd go ; Nay, if she bade me, for her 4 oe not rege go at the stake. Ouy, mes, OF bee I’ve bBo pluck nor spirit left ! Life’s chops and c I must bear Alone, without a soul The fat and lean, the weal and woe, That Fate weighs out to all below. A Troy Dror.—A Glass of Spirits, Vead.

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— Aprit 29, 1865.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MECHANISM FOR THE MILLION, tHe z= ry ZZ Do you want to get i ara at all events—of a Mother-in- law? We Aa show you how to lead her gently, in the midst of a long | o and animated harangue, into a small room, which, once set-a-going, will k eep on ascending and descending for the s ace of three hours at —_ sn’t this worth six-and-eightpence any day of the week? Of course, Machinery clothes us, or puts us to bed, Machinery brushes, or night-caps, our head, Machinery nurses and dandles our chicks, (One nurse-maid by these means suffices for six,} Machinery, after spasmodical warning, Ejects us from bed any time in the morning. One spring (we’re not going to say anything about the spring which doesn’t € a summer, in spite of the present beautiful but deceitful weather) will set all the household macliinery in motion. Those neces- sary nuisances, known as servants, will then succumb to the Powers of a simple but will ey ‘mechanism, ‘and masters and mistresses, the real servi servorum, be free. One, two, or three servants, pro- rly instructed, scoring to the size and requirements of the ouse, do the entire eg The original cost of the machinery will the only outlay, and then, no more Impudence! no more broken glass! no more ~ fp no more hairs in the clear soup! no more Nothing di You will the fee “i the Duties raf Oe Dressi by machinery, Whitr—whi out of bed. Pop! Whirr eg ot i your bath. This will be reall being 1 gree em reel rier mpanied by a good ‘rough towelling. Here, being in first-rate animal spirits, you may (if you like) make a joke in allusion to the noise of the machinery, and say that “instead of things poing on better they are getting whirrs and whirrs, by which you will be taken to mean “worse and worse ;”—this is only your un, and not by any means true. Well, you are sed for the morning: then, stepping on toa small trap-door in the landing, you pull a string after the fashion of @ nervous creature in a shower bath, and down you are taken to the Breakfast-room. It won’t be a very expensive affair to keep up ig sort of Trap. pon ae iden appearance below-stairs, you can say some- thing funny ; better be funnier than before, if it occurs to you, and you eS: breath sufficient for the effort. If not, never mind; worthy of IGANTIC are the strides of the Genius of Modern Mechanism. Do we want to go up to the cock-loft of the highest hotel in or out of the metropolis, we betake ourselves to a and we ascend like the fairies in the transfor- machinery. ’ You shall, by machinery. shaved ? Shave you, directly, Sir, by poe Sing After much thought, and a lengthened y self- mation scene of a — be! Will you have sae &, hair brushed course of , we are now able to place before "the public the fesult of those experiments, by which, through the application of mechanism to domestic affairs, our life is shorn of more than half its trouble. ake your seat, which will advance towards you, apparently, of its without any Davenport humbug, and await some happier pedis for the utterance of your light-hearted witticisms. In. course of time will be invented, also, the Finding Fault Machine, for “ blowing up” any offender : this will be the new infernal machine. The first object of intérest on your breakfast-table will be the Hydraulic Teapot. To the mechanism of this admirable con. trivance is not our business, except on private application, and th the — thingummy in stamps, or coin, or— every one knows what e mean, and business és ee Py t —— invention the Tea is ready made milked, and will be, at your own time, pumped ge nly in 7 into your wg Wary There will be no more complaints about bad ; no getting into hot water about its quantity or qu uality. “Then comes Egg-eating by ery. Ah! How this would have astonished our Great Gran ats ! You ’ll hear the sound of little clicks, as when you make a lock work, Because the egg cup’s stem, inside, is fitted up with clock-work That moves an arm of steel that will a small steel hammer wield, That taps and raps upon the shell till it begins to yield. ‘as one rarely in a moment all things needed hits off, As yet we ’ve no machinery to pick the little bits off. Then sharply as Jem Mace’s arm encounters that of Noon, So soon pops forth a small steel arm and deftly plies the spoon, And with precision, such as would shame e’en the shots at Howth, It shoots the yolk in twixt the lips of your expectant mouth. Boot and clothes lenge bread-cutting, carving, cork-drawing, svouning. letter writing, reading, etcetera, etcetera, all shall soon one by Mr. es Calculator is a mere mechanical infant to -~ gradually matured inventions. We reap, we sow, by machinery; at no distance of time the world shall see a new machine for Saittlon down household ag 7 We shall cook by machinery ; ba shall have our mashed potatoes by mashinery. From thinking achinery we shall at last arrive at thinking dy machinery, and Man hi shall be, as presented in this initial etching, a mere machine. So if you like our invention To any one this you may mention :— That the Palace or the Cottage, or the Manor House or Deanery, We will, on terms most moderate, fit up with our Machinery. VcL, XLVIII.

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170 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprm 29, 1865. THE NAGGLETONS AT THE ZOOLOGICAL. cENE—The Zoologi- cal Gardens. A beautiful after- noon. ry. The clock over half-past 3 A large gather- ing of the Upper | te Ten Thousand. ~ Mr. and Mrs. NaGGuLeton, the Misses Emme- Linge and CEcI- L1A NAGGLETON, and the Masters Epear, Wat- TER, and PETER Nacexeton, all im spring array, enter, and vance the Broad Walk. Mrs. Naggleton. Prerre, do not — is Sunday. . Naggleton, Yes, remember, Peren, nothing hops on Sundays, except the birds, who know no better, having no private tutors. . That is right; make him laugh at his mother’s advice. m the contrary, my dear, [ would imprint it on his know why he shouldn’t hop, like the little hills am not ted with the family you mention, and Ide pro as models for my children. ‘ou attend to your B and Tate, Mrs. NaGGLETON. ing, and sternly). Pray, Henry, abstain from such Profaity is in inteakon, my dear. Nin. S had the MW. is in my % NOTCHLEY Seek teeaetieneralitinnes Keraeecheniond wate tio, Boom a e es up for ven pe stood at the wicket, : wit, and I wonder you understood it. | hus that can so astonish his wife! spea’ Mrs, N. T think you might do better than mouth out Shakspeare on Sunday. -senpeny | come away from the bears! ~. Mr. N. Bless me, they came here to see the beasts, and they shall see them. Jump, Syllabubs. (Lifts her to the rail.) Here, Water, take this fourpenny-bit, and give you. A ’ : Mrs. N. Teaching your children to break the Sabbath in that manner ! Mr. N. Lam teaching them to break nothing except buns. Isn’t a bear to be fed on Sunday, especially when he has fallen into a pit? That ’s a man, Watrer—a bun a-piece. Where’s the stick? Here we are. Now, Mr. Bear, climb for your lunch ! Mrs, N. I shall walk on, to the chairs on the grass. avoid witnessing what I disapprove. Mr. N, All right, dear; go and stare at the bonnets, while we finish our secular duties. Prit Mrs, N. Walter. Come on, Papa, don’t give all the buns to these stupid beasts. I want to give something to the ippopotamus. _Mr, N. So you ought, in return for the h you’ve taken away from [Shout of laughter from the children. Mrs N. looks angrily up from the plateau below, and Mr. N. thinks it wisest to rejoin her. Emmeline. O, Mamma, what do you think Papa said ? Mrs. N. Nothing, my love, which I wish you to repeat. Walk on quietly, two and two. r. N. Too-too-too dears, like a penny trumpet. [Another shout. Mrs, N. This behaviour is more disgraceful, Henry, than I could have believed your conduct ever would. be. Really, this is not a place for you. You must suppose that you are in some low tea-garden, among the rabble. Mr, N. No, my dear, These are the Gardens of the Royal Zoological Society, Regent’s Park, N.W., and I am a fellow, and it’s your fault if Lam not a jolly fellow. It’s the most enjoyable place in London, or, as I can at least see how many stale buns that young lady will b Fraction of a bow.) And how’s tallow? you would say, in this extensive metropolis, and I came here to enjoy myself, and—deducting conjugalities—so I do. where you like, children, but mind, — your fingers between the bars of a single den—and I say, (solemuly,)'mind this. If one of you children gets — I'll — speak to that child again. (Loud shout, and away go y ones. Mrs. N. Catch me coming here again with you. = = I nt ask pe to come. a 1 cleat rs. N. No, I am not accusing you of any such civility. Mr. N. You asked yourself to come, and I wish that at the same time you’d asked yourself whether you couldn’t come in a decent mper. Mrs. N. You are the only person, I have often said, who ever dared to find fault with my tos Mr. N. Perhaps, as I have’ often answered, because Iam the only person on whom you ever dared es a N. (smiling). That speaks for your dignity, as the Head of a Family. Mr. N. It speaks better, perhaps, for my patience, which some day | you will try too far. ‘ : j , — NV. It is so manly to threaten a helpless woman who is chained or life. : Mr. N. If she is, she needn’t rattle her chains incessantly, But | come, it is Sunday, and you have been to church, and earned a to neglect all the minor duties, such as kindness. and politeness. ‘on’t | you take a chair ? Mrs. N. Not in front, certainly, that all your set, Dick, Tom, and Harry, may come up and claim a i ce with one. | | Mr. N. You were glad enough to my set once. Mrs. N. You thought so. Mr. N. You said so. me for believing it, and two or three | other things. Mrs. N. Ah! (4 Cyclopadiaof Usefil Knowledge in that little noise.) | [They take chairs behind the rash, and. observe the elegant company | seated, passing, and re-passing. a. NV. If it wasn’t Sunday, 1 shouldisay, “ My eye, what a pretty girl! ” _ - pa 4, wes ir. N. Love come, Mrs. N. Bowht “Theva paid for. i Mr. N. She is very like Lapy Annaset Lee whom you rave about. | Mrs. N. I never rave about an , and that person is.as like Lapy | Awwaset as I am like your “ | Mr. N. (brutaily). Am! Mrs. N. (disdaining to notice such atrocious coarseness), I wonder who | that distinguished-looking man is? You never knowjanybody, so it’s | no use asking you. Mr. N. I know in this case. | Mrs. N. Pardon me if I don’t believe it. He is evidently somebody. | His dress and manner are those of the best society. Mr. N. How should you know? Mrs. N. I may be unfo circumstanced as regards my own | osition, but I have a lady’s instinct, which never ‘leads me astray in | orming a judgment, Mr. N. Well, it is right enough this ti time. Mrs. NV. Of course, it is. Whom do you suppose that gentleman to | ef A A NV. I don’t suppose about it. (Calls out to the Distinguished Some- “ , ‘ How are you, Biopsy ?”’) [The Distinguished Someb looks round, and Mrs. NaGGLETon turns red with shame anger. But the Distinguished Somebody comes up to the rail, and shakes hands with Mz. NaGGLEToN. D. S. Hawfal ot, ain’t it, my eo : Mr. N. Stunning! I have superior honour of introducing you to my wife. Mr. Biopsies, Mrs. Naceneron. (She shudders a Ww D. 8S. Sputtery, sputtery. But sink the shop on Sunday, my bricksy- wicksy ! Be genteel, my boy, if the ouse¢s py Splendid to Mn. Mrs. N. (faintly). Very fine. here are those children ? (Walks off, and is shortly afterwards overtaken by the faithful Mn. NaGeGLeron, Mr. N. Sorry you went off, my dear. Brossrnes wanted us to come over to Camden Town, and dine at half-past four. Mrs. N. I detest practical jokes as a rule, but that gentleman showed all the self-possession and ready wit of a man of society, and I can forgive him. Mr. N. Buossines a gentleman! Why, he’s in the tallow line! Mrs. N. You need not meanly adopt. his clever ruse, and try to carry iton. I hate imitation. ¢ Mr. N. It is not one of your usual faults that your meaning is difli- cult of comprehension, my dear. But upon the present occasion I must remark Davus sum, non Gidipus. Mrs. N. I wish you would not quote Latin without asking Mr. SyorcH.ey whether you pronounce it right. Iam sure ¢ha¢ is wrong ; my ear tells me so. *

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| | | { | | | | Aprit 29, 1865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART Mr. -- Confound Syorcuiey and your ear? . What about Bros. BINGS Mrs. N. That gentleman was a stranger to you, but instead of re- ee your low trick, he humoured it, and pretended to know you. His ear talk showed me that, because it was overdone— not even one of your friends in the City could be quite so hideously coarse. It was clever, but the aristocracy are never taken aback. Mr, N. No, but Lam. By Jove! Not Brospies? 1’ll fetch him. No, I can’t, for he has hurried out to be in time for dinner. Mrs. N. (sarcastically), Lucky! Say no more about it, but be thankful that your vulgarity escaped ion—some gentlemen — not have let you aoa so easily. If he had pulled your nose for calling out to him, you could not have complained. Mr. N. (bewildered). 1 should not, certainly. (Passes an “‘ abstract r ion” in spite of Mr. Guapstons.) Yes, you are a clever woman. Ha! ha! ha! ha! Mrs, N. (half mollified by the victory). Don’t make such a noise, Hewry, dear. People will think that ome of the wild beasts has got loose, Pox walk to @ more removed ground.) Mr. N. (rallying his senses and his forces). Which day did you ask the ~~ the Bauemecnss, and the Surverpaxss for? . (suspiciously). y? a I know when I’m to give a dinner? t be so vielent—next Thursday, a quarter to eight. t. Makes a note of it on a letter. “| a wife be allowed to ask why the question is put ? haps I may bave a pleasant surprise for you, in the pre- sence of an aristocratic fri Mrs. N. (feels that the Federal armies have closed round, but resolves on one dash). You will ask no to my table without consulting me and obtaining my sanetion, if you do so I will insult him. Mr. N. I put the party off by to-morrow’s early post if you do not to-night send an invitation to BLopsines. Mrs. N. (evacuates Richmond and Petersburg.) Huwnx, you are very unkind. (Uses handkerchief, but slightly, as she is im good soci Can you not accept a harmless little j meant to pay you out for the way you showed me that I had mi your friend for a gentleman Tee 1 nencune Spey erren ae sae of business—but Ww mean. you know Mr. N, I do, Manta, and also what I mean. Mrs. N. And you ill put off the party ? Mr. N. Except on the condition I have made. Mrs. N. But I accept the condition. I am not ashamed of friends, though in your ill-nature you accuse me of being. I shall be happy to invite Mz. Bossty. r. NV. Brossines? You will? Mrs. N. Certainly, or any other friend you wish. Do I give dinners | for my own pl or to support your credit? You know I e them, and prefer a at one with the children. ask Mr. Bozsms “ f course we will Mr. N. en Solel) Well, we shall see about it. _, Airs. N. I will send the note to a pillar-box to-night, and he will have | it at nine in themorning. I shall see his address in the Di 5; you | need not think about it agai Mr. N. No; on second thoughts, he shall not. Mrs. N. He shall come. After what you have said, J will pat the ~ = a do not invite him. r. NW. Iwill invite him, then. = fale - and when he will get the note, FBek hin | myself. Mr, N. T tell it won't do; he’ beast, and I weuldn’t bare hi fers i ed 's a vulgar beas M . WV. (calmly). He co svertheless. A wife is mob to played with like achild oa toy. (The Lion Hoers). bak | Mr. W. (voars also), Mianaa! 1 will be obeyed, or— Exter (dignus vindice nodus) Emmerrse and Ceciita reaming. Both Children. QO. Mamma! O, Papa! Come, come! rum, sunt Both Parients. What, what! r Both Children. Perzx, Perer! Both Parients. What, what ?—speak ! Cecilia. The Blue-nosed Monkey has torn off his—— Both Parients. Nose? Bameline. Fat, and he and his wife are eating it. [General amnesty, and both armies rush off to attack the Blwenoses . TEMPERANCE BY TEMPERATE MEANS. F a.truth, some de- gree of gratification was given to Mr. Punch by an adver- tisement setting forth that a “* Great Permissive Bill Ban- quet” would take lace in the Free rade Hall, Man- chester, on Easter Wednesday, Sim Water C. Tre- VELYAN in the Chair. ratification r. Punch derived from this an- mouncement would have been unmixed if the proposed ban- quet had been repre- sented as going to be simply a Tem- perance or Teetotal dinner. Eating and drinking usually f° together, and the 3 ; sp els 9 rational method . of converting people to mild drinks is that of inducing them to try such beverages with their food. But although it might be possible for a sensible man to drink “Success to Temperance” by way of a toast in toast-and-water, no such person desiring to maintain personal freedom of action could further drink “ Success to the Permissive Bill,” that Bill being not a bill for enabling people to follow their own inclinations, but a Bill for empowering other people to restrain them Te ene ee: lis that referable to Ch b ‘0 convince folks ginger-pop is prefer: o Champagne, that lemonade excels beer, and that eau suerde altogether beats Port, Sherry, Claret, or Burgundy, there is nothing like a dinner whereat the weaker beverages above-named are substituted for the stronger. This is as much in the way of physical, added to moral suasion, as Sir W. C. TREVELYAN and his friends should go, if they wish to please Punch. they will only be content with this, Pusob will atronise them, even to the pov ; dining with hem some day when his doctor shall have to abjure sack and addict himself to thin potations, CHATTER ABOUT CHARTERHOUSE. Oxy Carthusians declare that the old school of Charterhouse Has, in their time, at least, been a regular martyr-house : That from being shut up in the slums of the City, | Their cheeks grew so pale as to move people’s pity : 2 That their playground was scanty, and when they played cricket, It scarcely allowed them to pitch a good wicket ; That they lived in the style which is termed “‘ hugger-mugger,” And parish brats really lived cleaner and snugger : | That they had not much water to wash top to toe in, And none where they either could swim in or row in: That a city like London’s beset with temptations, — Which enticed them to mischief on num’rous occasions : That breathing the “‘ Smiffel ” air, smutty and smoky, And living in quarters close, pent-up, and poky, _ Such en made them puny,.and gave them the shivers, And were bad for their brains, and their lungs, and their livers. But stay, crieth Punch, quem circumvolant joci, You seem quite to lose sight of the “genius loci.” Psha! they sneer, the old place is all crumbling and rotten, And its ancient traditions are now clean forgotten ; And as to the “ genius,” there ’s really no knowing What genius the Charterhouse lads might be showing, But, what with scant air and inferior numbers, Tis no wonder at present their genius slumbers. Let the school leave the town, and get settled ix rure, (Though, at moving, the Master might fly in a fury,) hen ’twill flourish again, spite of ecikn and fagging, | Which two points to discussion *twere needless to one : And old Domus, which used to be viewed as a martyr-house, So great will become ’twill be called Magna Charterhouse ! » A Sillygism. How to Obtain Refreshment on Sundays. TRAVELLERS have a right to demand Refreshment. Travellers are Liars. Say you are a Traveller, when you are not, and you will have a right to ple Refreshment.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Arrit 29, 1865. \\ N: NY \: Sw AQAA: hi ‘ 7 r ptt SS DIVERSIONS OF DRILL. Cotumn Movements. General Princietes. Tak CoMMANDER, If HE SEES THERE IS NOT ROOM FOR THE FORMATION, MAY GIVE THE WORD, “OPEN TO WHEELING DISTANCE FROM THE Rear; Rematnine Compantgs, Quick Marco!” Tats causks CoNFUSION AND AMUSE- MENT, AND ENLIVENS THE Monotony or DRILL. rT Tr TS iar TT - TAT tT TirwTT AFTER THE FIGHT. Habet! The fatal cast is made, The well-poised net falls true, Hamp’ring, alike, the trenchant blade, And the strong hand that drew. The world-wide Circus holds its breath Between the lots of life and death ; Recalls the thrilling conflict’s course— Dear life to life opposed, took no count of force, and closed : Patience that from defeat arose, And learnt to deal, by bearing, blows. = reve piace ym S had watched ‘amed sword-plays, lo And scorned mae oP ae tadely matched, Felt iration grow, As stubborn strife to strength gave skill, The art to guard, the craft to kill. While the fight raged, men had but eyes To tho fen changin cheer ; In lusty cheers and s' cries, ing their hope and fear ; While foot to foot, and hand to hand, Those bleeding brothers stained the sand. Oft our short-sighted eyes misread The chances of the fight, to see him turn, who fled, Him, who pursued, in flight. But chance and change can shift no more, Might is made clear, resistance o’er. Bursts out in jubilee the crowd, As with a single will; For exultation’s tongue is loud, While sympathy is still ; Millions of throats the victor cheer, But let the vanquished claim a tear. Man’s strife God’s guidance doth o’erule, His means and ends are vi : But all can see, when runs cool, In bis task, aque ook ieee Ss a at, 3 an ies low, Hate’s self hes own a noble foe. Not always to the swift the race, Nor to the brave the fight ; But conquest ’s blest that adds the grace Of mercy unto might. Then let the si t says “ We spare,” Be his that lieth, bleeding, there. Let his blood purge the bitter sin For which he fought so well,—— The right claimed for the whiter skin Black life to buy and sell : Its champion fall’n, that sin is slain, Never, like him, to rise again. Then staunch those eon crimson flood, Brother take brother’s hand, And o’er the stain of kindred blood Sweep smooth the trampled sand : The life, unto your mercy given, Spare, with acclaim of Earth and Heaven. New Porm sy a Youne Lapy.—The Loves of Bonnets, a. ). i oan tin ate eae ae oe eee ee ewrw?irYrtgseg?$ew?T

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Apaiz 29, 1865. : me oy SETH . 7 mG atk i i = | / LE y GT 44 Vf YY Ue Y \ - \ \ bh 4/4 aa Pw! My y, i) Mfg : Ye TAI Wy Muth ye //;;,.|\ me CE Vi, Ly

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eer aS GS ase OO Se ere Oe rt ee" | J

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Avrm 29, 1865.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 175 REWARD ACCORDING TO WORKS. ERTAINLY there is one objection to the re- ward announ in the subjoined para- graph by the Observer, as about to be con- . on distin- > guished merit:— ““We understand that Chair The coward. i > adequate to the merit. Ma. Taw has re he deserves therefo te be knighted; but the —- = anech te has presided surely entitles him to some- thing — than the & a simple knight. He has done that which has been rendered if by an itle by making his own fortune and ion of the who ; hap . i have to stand the expense of feasting some i of inadn i, indeed, what aw ne & rtaking. ' 4) 0 divine Hi Moen: to create Mz. Tawarrescad | do no more than what is. ons ge EE ee gt 8 ed to the Saaien of Knighthood with the achievement of conducting the Main Drainage to a successful issue. BEER ON TRIAL. Aw instructive incident occurred the other day during an inguiry about some heer before the Sheriff of Gloucester. An action was brought by Messrs. Frowsn, the Brewers of Stratford-on-Avon (who brew a sort of ale which is not unworthily SHAKSPEARE), against anethes, pogres panes for wneene pune pes ome beer into some of their casks, ereby damaging those vessels. According the Cheltenham iner : the trial, Mr. Taywron produced a te of the beer, injure the casks. The foreman of the jury, to whom it was handed, in order to test its quality, tasted it, smacked his li d drank it off at a draught—much to the astonishment “ During the of TRhin telnen 00 bactitand astds sana his argument, to ips, an and a ge of the worthy Under Sherifi—who spoke in terms of . The foreman excused himself by saying,. that he ‘was imagined, this way of sifting evidence created much plaintiffs a farthing damages. The only wonder is any at all. When beer is produced in Court in enough to injure barrels, and turns out to be so of the jury, on tasting a glass of it, cannot hel tossing the whole of it down, one would think there should be an en Beer which a British juryman so eagerly committed would surely be unlikely to corrode that of a cask. no small beer. The Craven Meeting. THOosE who are unable to attend this sporting event, will find them- selves amply recompensed by a visit to One Tree Hill, which has, | magical forage of Mx. Fzwron, migrated to the Strand. part is admirably filled, but specially is Mr. Sroyue’s Black Greenwich Pensioner a sketch worth seeing. An Irish friend — the audience informed us that “he admired this style” (he pronoun it “ this stoyle”) “ of * This artist must have a great deal of trouble oe. al the part; but what’s éoi/ to him gives Tre opposite to a Tea-fight—A Coffee-mill. } " AN OLD FRIEND WITH A NEW FACE, Way, good le, all this shaking ? Why this ar up and down ? Wherefore all this fuss you ’re maki M.D.’s in hot haste note-taking ? Officers of Health awaking, Boards of Health and Vestries j In the country and the town Local Government Statutes Of the.cobwebs hou carvest, thou servest, proaching s' Yet my Russian harvest hy: In St. Petersburg, death’s foison, Ample though it be, seems To the my stomach cloys.on, When my harvest joy ’s.on, Then, sown b: one. on ’s spade one’s poison, we Still we read The Almighty’s penal parges, "Tis ’s work sabes through : ee = with from ’s. wasti Buiibeiien’s tend age And Curist’s lasting lesson urges, “Do as you’d be done unto. SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. (Our lent’s letter arrived so late, that we have been unable tare latter part of the report, which contains expressions unintelligi we admit, to s, but perfectly familiar, we do not doubt, to the Sporting Community. } i ig ME NEWMARKET. There has been immense excitement during the wee been freely made. I send you my latest notes, up to ig when there are some of the leading Turfites with me. Entries for the Claret Cap—Borage, Bordeaux, My Curagoa, Soda Water, Wenham Lake, Spoon. There was a good deal of talking about the Derby, and the betti generally was three to one, but what against, or what for, I didn’t pes BETTING BEFORE DINNER. THE TWO THOUSAND. 5 to 2 against Kangaroo | 8 to 1 against Liddingtom I note these two down on the spot. They are very easy to recollect because of the I must now attend to my guests, but will finish this pareel after jovial meal. “Qh, dinner, in our hour of need!” What-says the poet? ‘ Delicious, coy—and how we feed!” ‘“ Coy” isn’t the Y cakmeinl ameatodtiak of it, I fancy that the lines don’t apply to di at all. But no matter. BETTING AT MIDNIGHT. R it’s past twelve o’clock. Bettergo to bed. Bet don’t go less I e ike, oe wae ant I’m all right. So no more at present hs sod bets have hour (seven coming to dine

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprin 29, 1865,

eM ||| Said H iti i ru H \ wr a MP) —<——~— KS tea A CASE OF “ RING-DROPPING.” Owrxe To THE SOLEMNITY oF THE EVENT, LITTLE SMITHING LosT His NERVE, AND WHILST PRESENTING THE RING, MANAGED TO LOSE THAT ALSO. (10 minutes to 12 o'Clock.)

DOWN WITH YOUR GOLD-DUST. Rep hair is all the rage just now in Paris, and ladies whose hair is black or brown by nature, are actually endeavouring (so at least we hear it whispered) to make it red by art. It is not very long since a contrary result was fashionably aimed at, and blackening or embrowning fluids were invented for the use of those whose tresses were unfashion- ably red. But Fashion is capricious, and what is ugly one day is called beautiful the next. As the colour upon which to stake the hazard of a dye, ie gagne now-a-days, and still more now-a-nights, in the swell salons of Paris, As applied to hair, however, the word “red” has not yet come into fashion, although the colour may have done so. Ladies with red hair used to vow that it was “auburn,” and now to say that it is “ golden” is the fashionable phrase. Moreover, not content with wearing golden hair (whether natural or not it were impertinent to ask), the rich hair- esses of Paris sprinkle gold-dust on their heads, to give their hair still more the fashionable hue. This practice must be costly, if indulged in by young ladies when going to a ball, for a rattling waltz or galop would soon dance down all their gold-dust. As a provident papa, if our daughters take to wearing such expensive hair-powder, we shall either stop their dancing, or insist upon their wearing a wide tray by way of collar, which may catch the precious particles when shaken from their heads. aaa ve tae at We are aware that it is idle for a man to raise his voice against the freaks of fashion, and as for uttering a protest against the wearing of dyed hair, it were, in Oriental language, to “ beat the air” to do so. If hunchbacks or cross-eyes were to come into fashion, ladies would begin to vie with one another as to which of them could cultivate the biggest hump or squint. So it is useless to exhort them never to say Dye. If fashion bade them wear grey hair, or even green, they would not hesi- tate todo so. Pirates as they are, in all matters of costume, they will sail under false colours at the very shortest notice. To impart an arti- ficial redness to the hair is as easy, very likely, as to give it to the cheek ; and we-dare say there are few of those who dye their heads who are altogether worthy to be spoken of as beauties without paint. M. THIERS ON FRANCE AND HER NEIGHBOUR. THAT conscientious statesman, M. Turers, in the Corps Législatif, has lately, of course with the patriotic object of giving the Imperial Government the assistance of his sincere and disinterested advice, been aes the Italian Convention in a spirit hostile to united Italy, and favourable to the temporal Popedom. Following M. Rovner, who had announced the Government’s determination to carry the Convention duly out, according to Reuter’s telegram :— “*M. Turers rose, and said that the position in which the Porz was placed was untenable. He had been of four-fifths of his States, and it was desired to take from him the rest. What would France do, he asked, in the event of the Romans annexing themselves to Piedmont?” The new-born devotion of M. Turers to the Holy See is highly respectable. Of course so devout a Catholic must be at least a Christian, if not, as heretics would say, something more. As a Christian, then, is it not strange that M. Turers should ask such a question as “what would France do in the event of the Romans annex- ing themselves to Piedmont?” Because Christianity furnishes the religious Tu1eRs with so obvious an answer. Surely, what France would do in the event of the Romans annexing themselves to Piedmont is that which France would like to have done to herself if she were in Piedmont’s place.

University Intelligence. Cambridge. Tax authorities have determined upon fitting the two Bedells, who precede the Vice-Chancellor, with shovel hats, which will be in keeping with the silver pokers carried by these officials. This change to come into operation on the first of May, Chimney Sweepers’ day, when, as usual, the Vice-Chancellor will dance in front of the Senate House as Jack-in-the-Green. The part of “‘ My Lord” will be sustained b a distinguished Fellow-Commoner from Trinity, while the rd/e of “ My Lady” will be

undertaken by one out of any three Graces of the Senate.

TT, * - Tore.

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Apri 29, 1865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. GENEALOGICAL CORRESPONDENCE. Sm,—I have lately been in considerable difficulties getting up, as the slang phrase goes, pretty tall trees—genealogical trees in fact—in order to prove the descent of our family the TuompxrnsEs (with an “h” and a} Grea’ **y,” you observe) in a direct line from the celebrated Jutius Cmsar. You, who have simply to take down from your book-shelves a History of Rome, have but small idea of the trouble there is in getting at the noble Roman by means of ches, That most distinguished member of the Herald’s Office, Mn. PLancu, has unofficially and. kindly offered to trace the Taomrxinszs up to the Invisible Prince, or the Yellow Dwarf, or any other of his old friends of Fairy tale, but.as he could not promise to go anywhere near JuLius Casan, I was obliged respectfully to decline his good services. Seeing that it would have taken a small fortune to ascend by this means to the t Progenitor of our Family, [ determined to set to work at it myself, _ I will first show you how far I have got, and what a puzzling affair it is. Puzzling! Good gracious, Sir! According to my calculations there must have been millions and billions more people in the year one, than in this present eighteen-hundred-and-sixty-five. Thus, take THomp- KINS, myself, and trace him, as SHaxksPeare says, “till we find him stopping a bung-hole with dust,” or something of that ‘sort; but I am so confused that I have great difficulty in stating anything very clearly. Just try your hand at it. Thompkins r— Geo. Thompkins (His father.) Mrs; Geo. Thompkins (His mother.) Now, Sir, it isevident that as Taompxrns possessed a father and a mother, so also did Gzonaz TsomPxIns, and so also did Mus. Gzoncr -Thompkins THOMPKINS, us :— So we proceed th Geo. Thompkins io = Jack Polly (Jim's father.) (Jim's mother.) (Anne’s father.) (Anne's mother.) : ie penne 5 aa eae Francis Lonisa Arthur “Maria Jonas Zephyrina James Ellen At this first station we stop, and set down eight’ creat-great-grand- fathers, and a ing number of great-great-grandmothers : all from THompxins, Now, Bir, at this rate, you will find that in the fifteenth generation, Taomexins had seventeen thousand six hundred and sixty-four aneesters, and where was JuLius Czsar? Why we have only got a quarter of the way; now, on we go again for another | of quarter. If you’ve not room for the calculations you can easily publish a supplement, or leave out your pictures and put in my figures.* * ** Oh, yes !"—Ed.} ] : Mrs. Geo. Thompkins Fred Susan at ion Tim Cissy Moses Clorinda Gilbert Marina Albert Jemima [Here follow three pages of complicated calculations, which for want of space we omit. | Now, Sir, even #ow, we’re not half way to Juttus Casazn. What immense combinations to produce a THompxins! I shall Dr. Conenso and Lorp Dunpreaky to dinner, and will give you the result our c. I remain, Sir, yours, THEopoRE ‘Tg@oMPKINs. Postscript. P’raps over our after-dinner grog, we may arrive at some important gizmy-alogical conclusion. Nelly Johnay FOREIGNERS IN IRELAND. Aut the world and his wife are expected in Dublin this summer, and the Dublinites are actively preparing to receive them. Indeed their bustle now is such that they have hardly time to think or write cor- rectly, as this announcement serves to show :— UBLIN. —To ENGLISH VINTNERS and HEAD HOTEL WAITERS.—In three instances of peculiar domestic trials, we have THREE HOTEL and TAVERN ESTABLISHMENTS to DISPOSE OF on reasonable terms, which during the Great Exhibition would realise an independence to the pur- chasers, from the thousands of foreigners from all parts of Europe and the three kingdoms that will overcrowd this City ; besides the Palace, with all its varied and varying attractions, being permanent, will at all times afterwards attract a constant succession of strangers and sojourners, and secure to Hotels and Taverns equally tant d ds for dati Address, with stamp for reply, &c. If Mr. Punch had occasion to answer this advertisement, his “stamp for reply ” would be a stamp of indignation at the notion of his being mistaken for a foreigner. Great Britain he presumes is a part of the ‘three kingdoms ;” and, as the greatest of Great Britons, Mr. Punch feels a just wrath at finding himself classed among the “thousands of foreigners” who are about to flock to Dublin, and who, doubtless, when they get there will be finely fleeced. This latter fact seems pretty evident, if the keepers of hotels are to “realise an independence” in the course of a few weeks from the pockets of their guests: which we presume is what the advertisers wish to be inferred, although they tell us that it is their “ reasonable terms” which will “ realise an independ- ence” at these advertised hotels. THE LATEST OMEN AT ROME. Mr. Narrer Spiers, an English sporting gentleman sojourning at Rome, and.aleading member of the Roman Hunt, rode, ina steeple chace, the other day, at Roma Vecchia, a horse called Ket¢ledrum, belonging to Prince Dorta, whose family colours are crimson and green. Accord- ingly, Mr. Spiers wore a crimson jacket with green sleeves, over which vestments he happened also to sport a white scarf: Thus variegated, our gallant oe had the good fortune to win the race. But the combination of colours wherein he achieved that success, chanced to constitute the Italian tricolor. On that account Mr. Spiers had the ill- luck to be ordered by Monsienorz Marraucci, the Director of Police to quit Rome in six days ; and CaRpINAL ANTONELLI, on being appeal to, confirmed the sentence of his.subordinate. Infallibility surely extends to Infallibility’s ministers. How unerring is the judgment of the authorities who thought fit to expel a steeple-chace rider from the Papal dominions for the unintentional affront of inadvertently wearing forbidden colours! What incapability of blundering was est in calling the attention of the world to the symbolical fact that the wearer of the Italian tricolor won! There is an English racing song entitled ** The Boy in Yellow wins the Day.’ The expulsion contemplated by the Papal Government of Mr. Sprers, was the safest possible way they could have taken to generate, and cause to pass from mouth to mouth, as a popular by-word, the parallel saying, “The boy in crimson, green, and white wins the day.” In the policy of this meditated proceeding, with especial regard to the proclivity of the Roman ore to be influenced by omens, there was decide A no mistake.” For although the Government of His Holiness were ultimately induced, by the repre- sentations of British residents, to accept Mr. Spisrs’s explanations, and let him stay, their suggestion of the ominous nature of his winning —— is an accomplished fact, and the good they did by it cannot be undone, ORNITHOLOGICAL HYMN. At Woolstone in the County Hants, (A famous place for British Birds), The Cuckoo spoke on Sunday week, And flitting Swallows twittered words, The Wry-neck and the Barley Bird For several days have there been seen, And Spring is really come at last, So let us sing God save the QuEEN. CHARACTERISTIC. ® So thoroughly is Louis Napoizon Cesarised, that, it is said, he not only tries to live @ 4a Casa, but he regularly dines @ six heure. Many of the Westminster Tradesmen say that Mr. Mrit’s chance would be better, if instead of making the Rule of Three his standard, he had taken the Rule of Thumb. A Cuotce ror Finspury.—Finsbury, for her representation in the next Parliament, wants a tried man. N. ,» and nominate, PRuLIzzioNI.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Apri 29, 1865. \\ ASN i \ SO he A . LN HW ANY AN. AUTHORITY. Nurse. “ AND TO-DAY WS LITTLE Crssy’s Brrtapay; AND Sir JOHN, HE GAVE BER a, Cora Reece AND MiILaDY, 8HE, GAVE HER A BOO'FUL BLug Frock; AND 4S ; FoR Mr. JAMES, HE TOOR MORE. NOTICE OF HER NOR ANYBODY DID, AND’ GAVE BER A Me SWEET Kiss!’ Heiaho ! wHO WOULDN'T BE LITTLE Cissy!” xe Ta. Jamas | N.B. Sm Joun ts Cissy’s Gop-para, AND MiLaDy HER GOD-MAMMA, AND AS FOR Mr. JaMEs, WHY—— ‘ pewies! es} Su , was ble to the hearts if not to'the héads of the audience. The | THE STAGE FROM THE FRONT. piney playgoer may poop rt gh yh faves y ogi st : PE : forgets an old favourite or: an: old -favourite’s children; ‘and young Tue Strand Managers having fed half a generation upon burlesques if he likes 26 , ith care, a good , and:such dramatic ‘pastry, are: now striving to change their diet. “The Roseow, ifthe » may seared ” pry caer: “ _— chief dish of the evening is now a serio-comic drama called One Tree Hill, which has supplied the place of Milky White. This little drama is rather rickety in its story, is too full of weak characters, and depends THE WHOLE HOG OR NONE. °° too much upon wills, and. documents. _The author, Mrz. Cravey, is an : oa actor, with all an ~actor’s belief in well-tried stage expedients, particu- Pay Sbowing cateet from a letter be wee Ne iar et mor larly in malapropisms. .. His acting is intelligent, but hard, spasmodic, | = u monet oe — Membe ater is a roy and narrow. It wants passion, and yet is too often a painful imitation | ®4mirable specimen of Mrt1’s logic :— : of the late Freperick Rosson. Miss M.,Patmer is a promising} «1 have long since determined that, for, myself I will never join in any move- young actress with a faulty pronunciation, who knows how to be | ment for what is called manhood suffrage. Adult suffrage is what I contend sae natural; and Mr. Storie, another importation from Liverpool, is a | #24 Whem one goes in, not for an object SaaS, Wah fore petaeiple, most conscientious staranter ator: Small theatres, lke the Strand, Be found to inetity ving twang Pig — gp en a tp ery the word are y destructive. ;; the actors are mixed too much with | manhood suffrage, ha m substituted for the good old unive pe apne eden oer on of oe ‘agar and _ Poynter pene purpose of showing that women are not inok to adopt audience are brought: lose es o respect the actors. ; _— Sroyze ignores the audience like a true artist, but we can hardly say the same of many of his companions. whole length of it. Let us go the whole hog in the-abstract, male’ and Mr. Fscurer’s Easter-offering is the well-tried play of Belphegor, | female, like Mz. Mri, who, with respect to the suffrage, goes not only in which he’ plays the mountebank, his wife being represented by | the whole boar, but, so to speak, the whole sow. Moite. Beargice, a South-American-Italian lady, with a Frenc training, who performs in English, Mn. Fecurer’s son is played by Master Fecuter, The chief members of the company are thus Test.’ — from the French as well as the drama, and are adapted more A Test, skilfully. The scenery is very elaborate and effective, but the delays in| Mr. Mrtx, (whom we hope to call M.P. for Westminster,) would setting it are too heavy a price to pay for its merits. Equal allowances | give votes to all persons, not criminals or paupers,’ who can ) of waiting and acting are too much for the patience of a busy and Write, and Do a Sum in the Rule of Three. How many Members of Pp on. young Mr. Grosvenor’s dandy Committee can comply with the requi- Foung Freprnick Ropson—a son who resembles and copies his | sition? Let them come to 85, Fleet Street, between 10 and 4, and be lamented father—has appeared at the St. James’s, and his reception | examined by our boy. If a principle is good, by all means let us, as Mr. Mit says, go the Printed by Witham of No. 13, U; Woburn Pi: in the Parish of St. in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No, 11, Bouverie 5 in the Presinct of Watrefary a Gity of bandon, Printers, at theirUilice in Lombard Street in the Procinet of Whitetriars City of Leadon: and Published bp thew at No $6: Flest Street, i tue Parish of St. Brae, Clty Londen —Satu. x, April 29, .

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May 6, 1865.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | Miss’ Susan Nirrer. It may also be said that vast heaps of Scotch petitions were | Edinburgh, on Sunday afternoon, having frightened all the Scotch ministers and they enjoy a Monday’s newspaper, and then send for the printer who course entitled to all the reverence due to charity and consistency. As | Divers of Her Majesty’s subjects are detained as prisoners by the | Kine or Asyssmnta. That monarch was said to have favoured QUEEN | Vicrorta with an offer of marriage, and to have imprisoned her lieges | in revenge for her non-appreciation of his dusky love. It is more | probable that he hopes to induce us to aid him, either with money or | arms, against his i ! to regard him with an unfavourable eye. ‘We may have our own | reasons for not wishing to scrunch him, but they should be good ones, | ducklin | if they are strong enough to justify us in leaving friends in his power. | Some of them are missionaries, who may fbe expected to take their | chance of the results of their pertinacious interferences, but Capratn | Cameron, our Consul, has a right to our best help. Mr. Layarp deprecated any conversation on the subject, as the King is touchy. |, Sip F. Sarra pointed out that in page 9 of the War Estimates there is a mistake, in the addition, of £443,000. The other day we were told | that the War clerks are too clever by half, and certainly this looks like | it. The Houseless Poor and Abolition of Beggars Bill passed, so it will be of no use for the Beggars to be coming to Town, as they are = sO amusingly in Mazks’s capital new picture at the emy. Tuesday, Srz Gzorce Grey very properly said that he disapproved of the making a show of the poor children at the Reformatories. Islington, which is growing notorious for exhibitions, and seems eager to get away from Puritanism and back to its normal condition of merry Islington” (Cowper), is now to be enlivened with a parade of such children at the Agricultural Hall. The arrangements will probably be modified, after the Minister’s intimation. d vernment at last brought in a Bill for the reform of Greenwich Hospital. We felt quite unequal to enter into the subject until we had examined the localities, and this investigation, with our usual for the interests of the public, we endeavoured to make later in the week. | Not wishing to excite the apprehensions of the Hospitallers by any ostentatious parade, we occupied a balcony of the house of a lady of the PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. neighbours, and also against France, who is thought | h pom. ENATORIAL holiday over, the Commons re-assembled om Monday, April %th, Nothing of note occurred, except a ion on the question whether the War-Office has not been very unkind to a number of temporary clerks, who have been dismissed, after serving so long that va had sup- themselves to be Permanencies instead of Temporaries. authorities settled the matter in the peremptory style of resented, a pre ct for opening the Botanic Gardens, in i elders out of their senses. Clergymen, who declare that. roduced it by working on Sunday, and excommunicate him, are of LTON says, | “ New Presbyter is but Old Priest writ large.” name of Harr, whence we should have been able to examine the plac® , at leisure, but for a sun-blind, which limited our view to the river. | This,{however, was of less consequence, as we had not been in our post | for more than a few minutes, when it became necessary to adjourn to a neighbouring room for refreshment, and this occupied us until a late | our. We are able to speak in the highest terms of the refection, | especially of the salmon and hot pickles, the whiting omelette, the | u gs and rp a and the ices; nor must we omit a word of | praise touching the only liquids which our na and temperate habits | rmitted us to take, namely, the Sherry, Hock, Moselle Cup, Champagne, Sognac, Port, Claret, and Madeira. regards the Hospital, we did not | like to disturb the waiters by asking them qeutinns, but we believe that | the sailors are to have out-pensions, so that they can live with their friends, | and that the Hospital is to be kept for the i , and that the pay- | ments are all to be made through the estimates ; but as we shall shortly | have occasion to visit an inhabitant of Greenwich, called QuaRTER- | MAINE, we shall make a point of inquiring more fully into that matter. A curious little Bill was brought in to-day—we do not mean at | Greenwich, as we had nothing to do with that detail—but in the House. | AncHDEAcON Hate objects to the sale by auction of St. Bennet’s Church, E.C., so a Bill is to be passed enabling the Auctioneer to knock down the sacred lot without the Archdeacon’s leave. | Wednesday. After. some debate, Srr Gzoncz Bowrenr’s Bill for | regulating the jurisdiction of the Inns of Court, was read a Second | Time, but there be signs and tokens that it will be wrecked before long. | The ArrorNey-GENERAL invited the Inns to say what they thought | about it. | In the middle of this day arrived the news that Apranam Lrycouy, | the honest, kind-hearted, resolute President of the United States, had been foully murdered in a theatre at Washington on Good Friday last. | It is not in this place that an attempt should be made to describe | the fierce indignation felt all over this land, or the deep sympathy which. | VOL, XLVIII. 4

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180 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 6, 1865, was so promptly testified towards our American brethren. But it is of the Parliamentary story that the Commons assembled to-day tened to sign an address of execration and condolence, and to present it to the American Minister. Thursday. The Lords reassembled, and Eart Russei1 instantly gave notice that on the following Monday he should move an Address expressive of sorrow and indignation at-the murder of Mr. Lincomn, Eart Dersy said that stch an ion would not only meet the unanimous assent of the Peers. of England, but would’ represent the feelings of every man, woman, and child in Her: Majesty’s dominions. thé Commons, Siz Georce Grer’gave a similar notice. To-day, Mm. Guapstong brought forward the Badget.. We are inclined to believe that it will not at all injure the chances of Minis- terial Candidates at the coming general-Election, though of course such a consideration never entered. the: head of the CHANCELLOR OF THE Excnequer. By the way, his son—bless us all! Mr. Guapstone himself was but the other day being-schooled by Lorn Macavtay, asa oung man of promise, but.too much addicted to High Church—has n asked to stand fora borough. His answer is not exactly like:that of Lorn Ampertgy. He is willing to stand, but would avoid: dog- ae believing that being young;-lie ought to.learm. Well oak The Budget contains three points:of importance: Mr. Guapstone takes Si. Tea-Duty. All such reductions have hitherto been an excuse forraising-the prices by the grocers, who invent the most extraordinary fictions forthe mystification_of Mater- familias, about there ing: been: a’deal of tea in bond; which it was now necessary to sell atahigher price on account of the warehousin system, and similar bosh, which sends: her: home witha wild cock-and- bull story, but’a clear assurance that:the housekeeping:will not be expensive, Let us hope that thisetime we may not be:charged more because is lower; “Twopence in the Pound comesoff the Income-Tax. We should not havey — . mentioned—we love to do good by stealth—that this is Mr. Punch’s doing, but Mx. Guapstone has written to us, begging that we will supp y his accidental omission. This important diminution, which uces the tax to a Groat, or shall we playfully say a Joz, was made by Mr. GLApDsTONE in consequence of Mr. Punch’s intimation that unless it were made, he should oppose the Ministry at the General zo -~ bring = lame gv uniform Bight re ire Insurance Duty is to be-a:uniform ‘eenpence. mus all come off sooner or later, but some people. have that tenacious and slightly obstinate nature which will never do exactly and frankly the right thing. They will give you a cheque for £100, and snarl at you for taking one of their clean envelopes to put it in. The rest of the Budget speech was made up of a historical survey, for which see the previous volumes of Punch, of ot epg of our = perity, for which see our Cartoons, pore of a demolition of the views of the Conservatives about t e Malt-Tax, for-which’see various of our brilliant articles and songs. Where should statesmen go for their diamonds, but'to our Golconda! Friday. The'Temple-of Justice Bill was: read: a. Second‘Time in the Lords, the-Cianoettor drawing so frightful a. picture of the present ofthe profession and the suitors that even Lorp Sr. : was moved. But he disapproved of the Bill; and also deplored the prospect,. in which Lae Wanent exulted, that there would soon be no di ce Law and Equity. _— henge eed er 0 is Pes ~ by oy on-one G. M. ITCHELL, for breachof privilege. There have been fo tures to the petitions-about-Azezem Jan! Something deadline, but we have-not yet heard whether MircHELL.is-to: beexecuted in O! or in New Palace Yard. We suppose. that the Members had been tired out at the. Private View of the Royal Acade i et et conside: whic. him while:-hspamastaapecti ¢ that he will remember we abstained from shoving Ww ing Mr. Mituaas's** Enemy: Sowing, Tares””—we: object ‘torforeign parts, unless‘a diplomatic mission) —for they. were Counted Out.at dinner-time. ANIMATED ADVERTISEMENTS. ERTAIN off the Amerié 1 can newspapers ams ‘ ae, pe _land- scape advertising is becoming quite the ; fashion. now in Ca- picturesque and attractive bits. of scenery, are seized upon by shopmen as: good places for ad- vertisements ; and the beauties of Na- ture are defaced by ugly placards and us trade-post- ers. Where the tourists most do congregate to seea lovely — landscape, they find painted in big letters the name of some quack pill. monger, or they see a staring placard telling them to go and “Try SHoppy’s Sumiiné Trousers!” or else possibly advising them to. “ Buy Bueems’s Cuzar Bepsteaps! Warrantep Iysect-Proor!!” _ If this process should proceed, and Nature be thus turned to adver- tising purposeswe suppose that use will next be e of animated: Nature, and that plac ‘be hung about the necks of birds and beasts, as well as posted on a hill-side, or stuck upon a tree. Elephants will have their broad: sides plastered with the puffs of enterprising tradesmen, and plaeards will be fastened upon buffaloes and bisons, poreupines and pigs. Camelopards will be trained. to carry boards about their necks, in the manner of the boardmen lately stopped by the police ; and rhinoceroses possibly will somehow be instructed to march in single file, with the name of some*quack doctor painted on their car- cases. Just fancy the upon a frightened Cockney tourist of meeting in his’ travels:a procession such as this!. He never would forget the name he thus saw advertised, and would be sure to mention it to every one he to, which: is: just exactly what advertisers j i) ' y "4 , Ny Mey) ; Vy Mahi, .' t Ne 2 has : wy well as: beasts might. be employed: in: this and be tage to. disseminate trade puffs. Why should 4 e small rene nare A —— alike use might i pheasants ? please a sports- man mightily, after bagging; sayy a-wild duck, to find a quack’s: adver- tisement fastened’ to its neck. He would be sure to tell his friends about the* circumstance, and would announce it in a letter to some — print. This would be precisely what would suit a puffing shopkeeper. Publicity is what an advertiser aims at, and he little — Birds, too, as used with and |im, what way he attains it. When once men take: to- advertise painting upon rock-sides, and cutting names on ; We may. depen they will not shrink from any act of Nature-slaughter: All the beauties of Nature they will spoil as they are able, and deface: them-and’ deform them whether. animate or inanimate. They would hunt a chamois merely to yoni it with puffs; and if they caught a bird of paradise, they would never hesitate to strip it of its plumage, if they could the plucking to account as am advertisement. trees; turn THE OBJECTS OF CHRIST'S HOSPITAL... On Wednesday last week a Confirmation was held by the Bisnor or Lonpon at Christ Church, Newgate Street, when, as a reporter puts it, “a large number of young members of Christ’s Hospital were. admitted to the ancient rite of the Church by the imposition of hands.” In recording this event, we take the opportunity which it affords of reminding the Governors of the abovenamed establishment that, how- ever satisfactory the progress.and conduct of the Bluecoat boys may be in many respects, there is one particular wherein their habits are notoriously of the worst description: That is to say, their clothes are uncomfortable, ugly, and ridiculous in the extreme. those who were confirmed the other day, the Bishop delivered an address on the nature of the ceremony which they had been engaged in, and of course he told them how they ought to walk; but anybody, who observes: the clumsy shoes which those boys are studiously provided with, will see that they must experience the greatest difficulty in walking: anyhow. The Bluecoat boys, to keep appearances up with their name, might continue to wear blue coats; but coats of modern make; or rather they might begin to wear blue coats and leave off blue gowns.. What neces- sity is there va serena ~ with caps too ae a poner -_ izening them in yellow stockings, wanting cro: garters to make them look like so many little. Maloolios ? If they must needs be clad in ridiculous attire because it was that of British youth in the time of Epwarp THe Srxrs, the foundation scholars of Eton ought, for their part, to. be rigged out in the still earlier costume of the sixth Henry; and, what is more, Aldermen of Londom should them- selves be obliged to go about apparelled in the style of the thirteenth century, or perhaps arrayed in the accoutrements of Gog and Magog

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May 6, 1865.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. 181

goed in what at first sight we might fancy are their night-dresses.

APTEBODYIES PENNANTIS, ESQ. (A Sketch token in the Zoological Gardens).

PHEWGSOPHY AND FASHION. To the -philosophic mind it is.ever an amusement to contemplate the fanciful and fickle freaks of fashion. ; When-hoops went out of vogue nigh a century ago, the ladies vowed that scanty petticoats were infinitely prettier ; and they vied with one another in ep their dimensions, until their skirts became so} shrunken they could hardly move their feet within the limited’ circum- | ference. So, doubtless, will it be again now Crinoline is doomed. The milliners of Paris have determined on reviving the “‘ costume of ‘the Empire” of some fifty seasons since, and who will dare dispute the mandates of the milliners. Already we see signs of the change which is approaching. Ladies fresh from Paris startle our eyes now-a-days by course when once the tide sets in, all the female world will swim | with it. a Se their Crinoline, ‘the Ladies will all look as though they had put under a rigid course of Bawrinc. Our wives will be so altered that we shall hardly know them; and, when they walk out in their limp and scanty dresses, we shall at first be scarcely = to realise our happiness in missing the accustomed chafing of our shins, To the philosophic mind it, will be curious to note what excuses will be made for the wearing of scant petticoats, to which the ladies have all vowed that they never could revert. The comfort that there was said they, in wearing iron cages nobody could tell; and they protested that they wore them solely for that reason and not for fashion’s sake. The philosopher might shrug ‘his shoulders at their vows, and rightly estimate their worth; but philosophy availed naught in its efforts to reduce the circumference of petticoats, which fashion had expanded and fashion only could contract. In its influence on Lovely Woman, philosophy will no‘comparison with fashion; and the philosopher who fancies that his words will be listened to, when fashion claims a hearing, is no better than a ‘fool.

A FISHY TALE. Mrs, Canpour (/og,). There ’s no one that has a greater horror of scandal than | have, Mrs. Srgaker; but one can’t help making remarks promiscuous, you know. Now, there’s Mas. Pewrs, what lives in that great House over yonder, a y that prides herself on her family connections and what'not, and whose daughters all wear tippets trimmed with ermine. Youve heard .o’ course about that Jdittle affair ! No? well, it’s afishy tale, Mus. Speaker; a very fishy tale. So far as I can get at the rights:of it, and setting aside:all inflammatory reports, Mrs. Prers, who «was | ys ‘considered a perfect lady in every | very niee plaice ; so she went to the door, and she says, “ What do you for what might be passing, when she saw a Man with what seemed a want for plaice, my man?” for it struck Mrs. Pzgrs that he hadn’t come honestly by it. Well, it ’s not in my nature to be unchari- table: it’s hard to judge your fellow-mortals, but we are called upon to believe that the man, smitten by conscience, instantaneously, so to speak dropped the plaice and took to-his heels. Sich things have happened before; sich things might happen agin. Well, Mas. Pemrs, naterally | enough, took up the plaice, and said to herself ‘this will do very nicely ; he ‘spertickler fond of any kind of gilaice ; so she laid it on a shelf, and when Dicky came home she told im what had oecurred, and he thaikei Mrs. Perens kindly. But now comes the most marvellist of this fishy tale. The | plaice which seemed so niece and fresh = Same pat on ‘the | 0, dear! every one inthe house eried “poo!” and where’smy | ? It was vy, teres eae ; would you believe it ? | . . Be) Toned up ae ie coulda’ belp ee , ane r vinaigrette up, that dtavas overpowering : ec itis, they can’t get the disagreeable emel! out of ‘the House. been ‘burnt, Riamet has keen summoned, windows np, and << J means Of wentilation tried agin and | Mz. Banp says, “ ou may pint to the eamse of sich fumes, | but them wets got noses will shun the-plaive still.”

EF r ne F f HH

4A VOICE FOR THE VOICELESS. ‘Tare isan old saying that “ is silver,and silenee isgodiden;” | ‘but there are people in the at ie eilenae ae, unhappily. eugthing them, deprived, as they are, utterly o a ®pecch. | alone are some two thorsand deaf and dust, who, by thet nt ih t g q Mi ‘are disposed to do a kindlyact. Anybody who is gifted | with a bump of benevolence, can only need the very slightest hint t from Mr. Punch that money is required to assist the deaf and dumb, who in | part through their calamity are straitened in *their meaps, and whose tongues are helpless in ding for our help. Thanks ‘to Mz. Vitimrs and his excellent Honsdless Poor Act, | ‘our streets will soon be cleared of i : y profession; and <the | money which has yearly been wasted on impostors will be available to | they get to Regent Street, where, if they ask politely at Number 309, | they may see a gentleman of the novel name of Smiru. He will be whom, but for this notice, it might possibly have gone. many deaf and dumb who are ‘among

BROTHER IGNATIUS AND HIS FOLLOWERS. Accorpine to a contemporary, BrorHeR Icnatrus at Haster per- formed some extraordinary services. ‘To be sure, the services which this eccentric devotee ordinarily but those which he performed at was included a mimic sepulchre, with a figure in it, of which the description need not be copied. Suffice it to quote the statement that :— ** This sepulchre was thrown-epen tothe public. At the entrance was a bowl, with the inscription, ‘ Offerings for the Sepulchre.’” The establishment of Broruer Icnattus includes a little boy called the “Inrant Samuet,” the contriver, probably, of the arrangement above described, and author of its inscription, which looks very like “Remember the Grotto!” But whenever Ienatius walks abroad, no doubt he is followed by a multitude of street boys; and perhaps in adapting}to the purposes .of his :imitative ceremonial analogies which he may have derived from the opening: of the oyster-season, he has been pleased to take a lesson froma portion—likely to be the largest portion— of his own followers.

For the Drawing-Room. (When there's a dead silence.) My first is a bird; my second’s a letter of the alphabet : my whole is some game.

reapeah, is in a very delicate ‘state. You see we’re all fallible creturs, and likely :to be thrown/offiour guards. “Mrs. Pemns was ‘looking out

Explanation. Crow. K. (Croquet)

aid such poor afflicted creatures as the deaf and dumb. Let the benevo- | lent then put their hands into their pockets, and not take them out until | most happy to relieve them of the money they may chance to have about | them, and to make a better use of it than would the street beggars, to | As there are houseless poor, a building | fund has properly been started for their housing; and Mr. Smita is | the Lge : retary to whom subscriptions may be paid for aiding this good work, rforms are éxtraordinary enough, | ter appear to have been more than | ordinarily extraordinary. Among the scenery of these performances |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 6, 1865. LZ ; | | ~ = | ~ LM | SZ Ti libh/ A MATMMLE bh eZ Lp LOT? H SA "VO psp. 2 Ant oO LZ “gz “ TRYING.” Country Photographer (removing Cap from the Lens).“ Quits Stgapy, Now, Sip, If YOU PLEASE.” [Not 80 easy with a Lively Wasp threatening your Nose—and the Negative is a failure. PZ 2 4) PZ Lee Abraham Zincoln. FOULLY ASSASSINATED, APRIL 14, 1865, You lay a wreath on murdered Lrycoxyn’s bier, You, who with mocking pencil wont to trace, Broad for the self-complacent British sneer, His length of shambling limb, his furrowed face, His gaunt, gnarled hands, his unkempt, bristling hair, His garb uncouth, his bearing ill at ease, His lack of all Fa as debonair, Of power or will to shine, of art to please. You, whose smart pen backed up the pencil’s laugh, Judging each step, as though the way were plain: Reckless, go it could point its paragraph, Of chief’s perplexity, or people’s pain. Beside this corpse, that bears for winding-sheet The Stars and Stripes he lived to rear anew, Between the mourners at his head and feet, \ / Say, scurril.jester, is there room for you ? Yes, he had lived to shame me from my sneer, o lame my pencil, and confute my pen— To make me own this hind of princes peer, This rail-splitter a true-born king of men., My shallow judgment I had learnt to rue, \oting how to occasion’s height he rose, How his quaint wit made home-truth seem more true, How, iron-like, his temper grew by blows. How humble yet how hopeful he could be : How in good fortune and in ill the same: Nor bitter in success, nor boastful he, Thirsty for gold, nor feverish for fame. He went about his work—such work as few Ever had laid on head and heart and hand— As one who knows, where there ’s a task to do, Man’s honest will must Heaven’s good grace command ; Who trusts the strength will with the burden grow, That God makes instruments to work his will, If but that will we can arrive to know, Nor tamper with the weights of good and ill. So he went forth to battle, on the side __ That he felt clear was Liberty’s and Right’s, As in his peasant boyhood he had plied His warfare with rude Nature’s thwarting mights— The uncleared forest, the unbroken soil, The iron-bark, that turns the lumberer’s axe, The rapid, that o’erbears the boatman’s toil, The prairie, hiding the mazed wanderer’s tracks, The ambushed Indian, and the prowling bear— Such were the needs that helped his youth to train : Rough culture—but such trees large fruit may bear, If but their stocks be of right girth and grain. So he grew up, a destined work to do, And lived to do it: four long-suffering years’ Ill-fate, ill-feeling, ill-report, lived through, And then he heard the hisses change to cheers, The taunts to tribute, the abuse to praise, And took both with the same unwavering mood : Till, as he came on light, from darkling days, And seemed to touch the goal from where he stood, TTwaTtfgrTyry . war “=. ONT TroeiyrwQTrvywWT'TT TWrayTYTfwfCON -» i om oe © ®°KI7WVa¢CT TAT Cywrrrrsrr

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se) ae — a > ‘Zz, Zz — =_ CT me = ro > ae an — TM = ie 2 = — | = © | © mo S \ N 4 , S ‘ A j WSs ib ib > SSS SS ee LSS PEORVAMDVVDwiey ‘GOST ‘9 AYN—IUVAINVHO NOGNOT AHL YO ‘HONAd | a

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ie — eke Se be) | : 2 | ‘a “a

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Maw 6,.1865¢] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI:

Taian te ket eh eS in his heart and on When this vile murderer brought ewift ¢ eclipse To thoughts of peace on earth, good-will to men. The Old World and the New, from sea to sea, Utter one voice of sympathy andshame | Sore heart, so stopped when it at last: beat high, Sad life, cut: short just:as its triumph came. A deed accurst!. Strokes:have been struck before By the assassin’s.hand, whereof men doubt If more of horror or Gogrnes bore ; Bot thy foul crime, li ‘Cam's, stands darkly eut, Vile hand, that brandest murder on a strife, _ ite’er its grounds, stoutly and nobly striven ; And with the -martyr’s crowm crownest a life With much to praise, little-to be forgiven !

UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE. ti} i} ui of our Universities is< try ing to combine instruetion with amusement: wegive the followin the ensuing Term :— The ius Professor of Pastoral Theology, in- tends to give lectures in full W atteau-Arcadian cos- tame. Students to attend as: shepherds and she: esses. No one ad- mitted without a mask of some sort. Clowns not allowed. course’ will include a few words on Field-preaching, and the Laws of the s The Professor of Logit peop Mrs. Professor ,Logic, every morning at, breakfast. “No admit- tance except for children in arms. The Savilian Professor of Geometry, will attend his own lecture whenever he likes. The Professor of Music will sing a little thing of his own composition in the Senate House. To com- mence at 1 a.m. precisely, Professor Massa GINGER will preside at the tam- urine. The Chichele Professor of International Law, will see gentleman wishing for private in- struction further first.. He will, however. — conundrums: every. day from two till four.. Forfeits, collected by the Junior Proctor. he Sedleian Professor will give his usual entertainment of ventri- loquism, andjthe beauties of the magnet, assisted by a Magic Lantern. alf-price at nine o’clock. The Professor of Geology will give a Lecture on the Bones. After which, in connection with the nearest sporting event, he will explain the science of taking odds, and making a betting-book on the Extinct Races of Animals only, The University half-an-hour In cing.

Professor will. have something to: say on. female each day to giving a practical illustration of the first steps

«+ New Lrenr.—When the Heroine of a Novel is represented as becoming agitated on hearing the sound of her lover’s step,” it, may. be taken to mean that she was startled by the hollow of his foot.

BH are glad to see that one % notice: for? .. Admission to the grand stand by. ticket yin ucation, the stretching board, positions, and will devote | and A REAL BLESSING TO GRAZIERS. Tue British Farmer of these daysifiegentieman of fashion, so much ha i ters, whi ing all net meted wood the MemnRERE te ties ello tate the new ters of the will have met with a to market.’ ag for the: pecifiedd byr tiie of Graton "AL model. was ‘Sea Wie ee Ke Pos#itias been ~exbibited, last

« at to see the animalaséave the trucks at.dliecend off th® and the saliva oftemoosing from thei 7 br or to. e & state of disease ?” y cai ne hiss the —e ing offthe catti¢ of:no conse- makeas ae In continnatien,. Mu... Ham. observe, for the with cattle ‘state knows #hat the So the thirst of stock tells upon the breeder’s pocket. Thirdly, the rice of meat, in competition with bad, is of course raised. to and the public, now; “ as Mik. reminded ound of rage butcher’ a lew Po onl coarse ie wan on a shout dhasendi dunek i caused: an eft stock, during transit, were. pro} with , the Railway carryi would soon be doub 'wo toone cn Mx. Rem’s invention. By its use the scab on sheep would in. a.great measure be p rem one of gee Agar emer sage oo ose of a way. “the s che minute would-ouflibe: te apply water ty ench track fitel mr with watering trough,” invented by, Mr. Rem. ted, rom é d by The trucks pemeite Sa I Saeed. col, “at intervals of, say, from five to six hours,” it necessary to say more? No; but the farmers’ daughters who read the article in the Post about thejwatering of stock, now that they have also read the i statements respecting a clever contrivance for that purpose, ] Do, try and. make those Railway Companies haye their tracks all ‘up. with Mz. Rem’s patent watering-trough to prevent thirst from tormenting poor cattle.”

HAMLET AT VIENNA. SHaxsPeare, by the subjoined account from a contem , does not seem to be so carefully studied as he ought to be by Aenttian or Miwicgmre, A. Mnustmem:— An actor at Vienna named

RLING, by g and ng of: ; and also for introducing political allusions inte.a piece.” The Viennese comedian who ventured to offend M. Scumerioxe, “The deep damnation of his taking-off,” to the extent of a whole week’s durance, evidently had not read, or-not considered, Ham/et’s caution to the players Polonius::— “* Follow that lord ; and, look you, mock him not.” At Vienna the theatre is;some way from Liberty Hall.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 6, 1865, Cf TOES om, - Pye” “ij é : A “ - ty G QLD Zi Wp {, Sea f Yk Zs Oj OSE First Academician. “THe AcaDEMY FOOLISHLY GAVE WAY, AND ADMITTED THE PicruRES OF THE (in a whisper) P’RAPHAELITES, AND WE’VE SEEN THE LAMENTABLE CONSEQUENCES OF THAT, AND HERE'S ANOTHER IMPERTINENT FELLOW THINKS HE’S 4 RIGHT TO PAINT ACCORDING TO HIS OWN Notions. Now, Ff THs Youne Man’s RIGHT, STREAKIE, WE’RE ALL WRONG!” Streakie, R.A. “ PaxctsEy.” First Academician. “ Taxkg IT away, Currrs?” SECRET SOCIETIES. Tae Arnold Heng tise has this year been adjudged to Mr. Amenrico Patrrey Marras, for his Treatise on “The Secret Societies of the Middle Ages,” and I won’t stand it. If his was a careful and accurate work, so too was mine’; in proof whereof I send you some extracts, and demand from the public that justice which is denied me by the University umpires. Mr. Marras, for example, es no mention of “ The Brothers of the Bleeding Nose,” who bound them- selves by the most horrid oaths, such as for instance (here follow most horrid oaths), never to reveal, or in any way make known, what anyone said to them. To such lengths did they carry this strict rule, that, to repeat to ‘a ‘third brother, on the authority of a first, any remark upon the fineness or wetness of the weather, was taken to be a breach of confidence punishable by the dagger. Why does he omit all mention of “The Secret Fraternity of the Mystic Muffin,” who used to meet every afternoon, about four o’clock, when summoned by the ringing of a small bell? This Brotherhood has come down to our own day, and the signal may even now be often heard in the more retired streets of our vast Metropolis. During the growth of this Society, womenkind have gradually been admitted, and, now-a-days, its most distin ished members are spinsters of forty, and others who evidently belong to the “Middle Ages.” ‘This Society has few secrets of its own, chiefly cccupying itself in discussing those of other people. Their meetings are generally held by scandal-light. Like the Egyptians, who honoured the sign of Tau, so they exhibit a reverent joy at the first sign of Tea. The meeting is sometimes called a Drum, and the secret notice sent round to every member contains these mysterious words: “ Half-past four: Drums and Crumpets.” A refusal to attend, is couched in this form: “ Blow the Crumpets!” There are a { many ceremonies to be observed on entering any one of these lodges, which vary according to the rank of the Lodge itself, and the dignity of the member. Thus, there is a Dachess’s Lodge, a Countess’s Lodge,} and a Washerwoman’s Lodge. In the last, boiling tea is solemnly poured into a saucer, blown upon by the member who holds it, and then taken down without winking. So severely is secresy im upon all female members of the body, that they never address each other without saying “Mam.” Mr. Marras has over many other t Societies, whose existence is such a secret, that I have been utterly unable to find out even their names. I remain, Sir, yours in disgust, Argicayus Hossy. THE BOONS OF THE BUDGET. Suxe surplus, and reduction Of taxes’ horseleech suction, The Budget’s great construction, And all the fruits of peace : Wool of the golden fleece. Tf we had all been geese, In foreign broils engaging, We now should be war waging, And battle would be raging Not soon about to cease. Had we but been persuaded, The Danes we might have aided, When wrens invaded ; Have battled for the right, With unavailing fight _ Against o’erwhelming might, And Southern recognition Have yielded to petition ; Stood in a ohm eg But in a woful plight ; With Yankeedom contending, In struggle far from ending, And bountifully spending A million every day ; Each shot we fired away, Designed to smash and slay, Not prove a vain rebounder rom Ironsides, and founder, A twenty ern Sycory wl : Oh, that’s the shot to pay ! Tpatead of warns glories, ‘0 pacify ries, The Income-Tax, that bore, is A lighter fine to be. Some duty comes off tea, And, though not wholly free, The thrift of fire-insurance, | taxed beyond endurance, (And arduous to the poor hence) Is eased in some degree. Much better this than labour O’ertaxed for cn and sabre Wherewith to kill your neighbour, With violent blows and bumps, And cuts, and thwacks and thumps, While everywhere, in dumps, Bereft friends mourn privation, And fighting for the nation Results in amputation, And wooden legs, and stumps, And when a war is ended _ In blaze of triumph splendid For blood and cash expended Tn most magnanimous mood ; For all the precious food That we, severely screwed, To powder have afforded Abused as mean and sordid, For help we are rewarded By sure ingratitude. Fire! Fire! Tr was noticed, on the oe of the Budget, that when it became Mz. Giapstone’s duty tos on the Insurance question, he warmed up with his subject, and got on like a house a-fire, ON THE POPE IN HIS TEMPORAL CAPACITY. Pro Nono; Cut bono ? —) om Oe oe OF heel ee oe

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Mar’ 6, 1865] PUNCH. OR, THE, LONDON. CHARIVARL. 187 HELPS. TO YOUNG DRAMATISTS. Tue Young Dramatist will always find it an easier matter to write the middle, than either the beginning or ending, of his piece. Often and often is the pe oa aspirant bursting with racy dialogue, i speeches, and startling cinstions, which can be of no possible value, even to their owner, unless the drama, of which they are to form part, has been fairly started. How many dramatic works have never seen ignemncanee a their authors have —— of ever fixing upon a first scene, we shall probably never—at least know. We propose givinga few forms for commencing and ending adrama, whicl: will prove-as serviceable to Young Dramatists, as are preeedents: of various contracts to a conveyancer,. THE MELODRAMA. * ener pon goamnpey geen agg You ’ve es. Yow want exits, and a good Scezunz ‘cine the Domom Keep of D’ Arcourcy Castle. The objection that de net know what a Donjon Keep is, should have ay Gena oees hasn’t with us. Stage directions :— [The Servants discovered laying breakfast. Old Wusenr tie Seneschal superintending. ER Se See Reniel an Sn shay uiieees: sun ae. lt looks well jm print, and: must be mere or less a good part. you know that 2. means left (Sees ome (eo t ye lazy, ReeuvaLp’s best thus fan an with So away Malmsey? (Drinks ti i All laugh. 1s¢ Servant. (N.B. This is an economy in names, which it ap from theatrical , is always considered necessary in large esta’ ish- ments. Thus leaving Jonny, RicHarp, Wii114M, and such like names for te: Baron’s followers are erally known. as “ Ist Retainer, ** 9nd Retainer,” “3rd ditto,” and so forth; a plan that might, with some advantage, be adopted in pote, or —_ en private houses, where the Butler would be 1s# atner, Footman 2nd Retainer, down to the boy in buttons, who might be fractional, say 34 Retainer.. Well, the 1st Servant says to HusertT— 1st Servant. But, Master HusertT— {Which isn’t much for a 1st Servant to say. But he wouldn’t have to make even that observation, were it not for our desire to get something out of old Liagecmd for the information of the audience, who have not, as yet, had mu portunity of forming any very clear idea of the _ So in vee yh s Masuan Huser, somewhat testily, as is the‘fashion with ao ob But, forsooth!. Give me none o’ your buts. Sm]. RecrNaLp would want many a butt injhis cellar an thou hadst ’em all en for thy mouth. (Servants laugh.) (This is a Shakspearian jest, and will set the audience in a good umour. | Old Hubert. To your work, Sim Recuvap’s new ladye- wife — Heaven save the mark !—will not (&c., &c., whatever she “ete your own arrangement of plot, and conception of Old hort mn jinishing this sentence). But gramercy, I recollect— All (coming ard). Astory! A story! Old Hubert. Nay, ’tis no story; but I ae Tg them what he recollects ; and here we are in the midst of your plot.) The story being over, Johanna (Old Hubert’s niece, who has been listening intently. N.B. it is always well to introduce female interest as early as possible into a Pieed). And "i the stranger never returned ? Old Hubert. 1 know not ; er as the clock struck twelve (Clock, of course, strikes twelve) a dark ane was seen to cross, (a dark figure ws seen to cross) and then with uplifted arm to—— (some crime or other: the dark figure uplifts the arm —_— When, &c. &c. (This will take you well into your Melodrama or Romantic. Trage it might even suit a farce, th rhaps hardly ligh’ gh for modern productions of the lant hse ” cabana the Sh e knaves ! let us hope we shall never— Senn cet ied S acomee Who THE NAUTICAL DRAMA gy na uncommon opportunities. for jumping into the middle of your Scene J lain a the Tlhirree Chertsey. Sailors and Watermen Giscosored drinking, nda a ert " pedlars selling their wares to Lasses. 1st Satlor. And where’s Bes Busows? (Four chief character). Enter Bew Brnzows,, c.. Ben. Here! aoe (This direction, for i means. that all on the | make a movement of some kind, ym geytnpee eh noes ‘expressive of anything that comes inte their heads} Ben. lads! when the mizen’s a capstan’s tum. fhom the hillyards, it isn’t the pe peg ggg ae: do you mean ? ‘ Fay Ben. Why, messmates, &c., Se. (Hnplaine, and) ielle the required A boné commence with three rather unimportant ‘eo epee arian, wo wil eer fom x wont ors a oy anwar. Wire. walks late oF night. Pals worn (darkly). Ay, that does he. Grd Retomer.. See, where he comes. (They xetire ap watching.) Bater Lonp Wixpyrment, slowly, 4m. Lord Windymere. Zo live or not to live, thet is the matter course} That puzzles me= oh life, life, life! (Zeoksmp:) "The traveller rests at e’en upon the dewy grass, ‘eee (looks down) to have upen the mind— (Here mention what it is hé haw upon him mindy | st Retainer (aside to Sad Retsinor. Win Marked you that ? Qnd Retainer to 1st Retainer), He is disturbed. Toei Wesdgne, Th ti the affaurs. of—(scex Retainers) ere is a time im $ Ha! (To them.) Saw you the ghost last night ? a my Lord. But tell us—— Lord te Listen. Many years ago, Before the My father sitting inyhis &c. &e., Observed a oy . And so on. |THE SCREAMER. The opening of a Farce presses into its service the essence, as it were, of all the foregoing forms. Scenzs— A Drawing-Room elegantly and comfortably. hed. Doore R. L.H., C., L.lst.E., L.2nd.8., R.1st.z., R.2nd.E., are &e. NB ae have as many doors as > there’s no knowing who may want to hide themselves in the course of the pice. The centre door leads on to a garden. French windows with curtains %. and t. Some one can hide behind these too. Large old-fashioned fireplace, n.u. (here’s another chance for concealment). A screen stands near the middle of the room. (No ius arrangements are without @ screen.) Trwotuy, the bustling comic servant, discovered laying breakfast things at ‘small table, L.H. Timothy, Past. ten o’clock, I declare, and Master not dewn yet. this irregularity goes on, 1 shall have to cut—knife—but not neh wages are paid—salt—I should like to give a CoppLEwink a bit of my mind—but since he’s been marrii = blown up by by enn s all ‘Tight to a—Tea—T: Lor, she does pper—a scolding to be sure. Now I *ve got all the break- Ey hinge eet together—mustard—and so— Enter chirpy Waiting Maid. (Cail 5 ba Curry, t¢’s @ very good Timothy. Well, Mus. Cutrry, you do look ’ansome this morning. (Tries to kiss her: she smacks his face. ) Chirpy. Don’t take no liberties, Mn. Treorny. Talking of liberties, who was that tall stranger that, &e. &c. &e. &c, . Because Missus wishes you to give him, &c. &c. And.so on for that. Then when they’ve well led u So the pt it Curmey say, “But here og CoppiEwinx,” which he at once a capital entrance for him, and an admirable exit for them. So far for the present. ‘* Operatic Problem. Prob, Sapgosing, thal that of be ks rabbits one was wasn’t; s want 5 supposing: Lardy Baga take ike you er the culehaalet The wrong-coney. tRowcorr) and the other find out what latter; s

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Mar 6, 1868, “COMPARISONS ARE,” ETC. Hansom Cabby (to iter of Cheap Omnibus). “ Now, Toex, Sam! ME AND MY SWELL WANTS TO CATCH A. Trai ! Do Gkt ON. WITH THaT Nogr’s Hark OF YOURN.” TAXES. A Huot or two on this subject will not, we feel sure, be thrown away upon the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXcHEQUER, Supposing the present duties were taken off several things, an enormous revenue might be obtained. by levying taxes as follows :— On every “ good’ story” told more than three times by the same ee ‘any one talking about the weather. Tan: amateurs on the flute, violin, and cornet, without ‘neon Upon all after-dinner speeches over three minutes in length. tne ag n all young ladies singing Italian songs without understanding oung ladies or gentlemen singing any song whatever, and, oh “tet ll young pronunciation, rendering t the words totally unintelli- eal long wandering stories without any point ought to be heavily A Tax on all dramas “ taken from the French.” On extensive Crinolines. Enormous Tax “ all pianoforte variations, and specially upon those on an “ Carnival de Vénise.” all bad — and the heaviest Tax possible on bad wine, Up m all burlesq ues and all bad puns, specially any play on the words “belle,” ‘ oe as for instance, to say of the prettiest young lady at the dinner-table, that she is “the dinner de// ;” or that a “‘ beau ought to be brought u at” x 5” »? and all such jokes as involve the twisting of the words “ “ Harrow,” “ Father and farther,” “ Rain and reign,” “ Heir, 2 my hare, that ere, they air (for ‘they are * »”? ** Gait and gate,” ‘‘ Nose, knows, and noes,” “ Knight and night,” ‘and all such jokes whose fun depends upon the cunienion, or addition, of the letter H. There should be a duty placed — reese on the names of popular artistes and authors; thus there should be twopence levied on every trifling with Metiow, Pyyz, Srmume Cornz, Kzay, FEecHtTeR, TooxE, and so forth, The most fearful-Tax upon irreverent ‘EEL on the word Puncu. A Tax upon Mothers-in-law. Heavy. A Tax on Banting. A Tax on Bantine’s nim A Tax on every speech of Mz. WHALLEY’s. A Tax upon anyone who objects to smoking in a railway A Tax of 100 per cent. on everyone who won’t lend you Yiive 8 ings. ‘ Tax‘upon every sermon that shall exceed fifteen minutes. A Tax oa everyone who doesn’t take in Punch. This, of course, will not yield many halfpence annually. And if the above list does not suffice, then let there be a Tax on everybody and everything indiscriminately. God save the Quzzn ! DIVIDING THE WOOLSACK. “ Tais EpMunps case,” said WESTBURY, Sarcastic, smooth and cool, ** Will prove a case of ample cry, But very little woo Quoth CHELMsFoRD, as on WESTBURY He turned a scornfu ack, ** Though we perhaps don’t get the sool, You ought to get the sack.” POLITICAL AND OPERATIC. At some forthcoming aristocratic Private Theatricals, Eart, RussELt and his Son will, it is hoped, sp in a new version of the popular Opera La Sonnambula, to be on mF occasion entitled, My Son-Amberley. [ADVERTISEMENT. } OU’RE A PRETTY FELLOW !—A Gentleman who is perpetually being told, by Ladies and others, that he is an ugly customer, wishes to meet with some pretty person with whom he could exchange looks. Printed Whit William Bradbd: of No. Uv Wod the Parish of Gey a Ca. irate 13, eer oburn Place, in of n-th 6, 1865. + he Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of of St. im the County of Middlesex, efriara, City of London, and Published by them at No. 8, Fleet Street, im the P be Precinct of iddlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bowede Comm, n the pe ride, Oy \ \ i t \ t j

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May 13, 1865.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON 189 CHARIVARI. | PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. onpayY, May 1. In the rds Ear. RussELL moved, and Lozp Dexsy seconded, and in the Commons Sm G. Grey (Lorp PatMeRstTon being ill) moved, and Mr. DisRakLI seconded, an address to the QUEEN, expressing sorrow and indigna- tion at the assassi- nation of Mz. Lin- COLN, and praying Her Majesty to communicate those sentiments to the Government United States. — each case the motion pn my agreed to; in the Lords Viscount STRATFORD DE F ; : REDCcLIFFE, who had sojourned in other days in America, addin worth of the murdered President. Later in the week, Hen Mazszsty’s replies were delivered by the Lorp CHAMBERLAIN and by Lorp Prosy. The Quzzy (be it mentioned here that the Royal Widow has addressed an autograph letter of kindly sympathy to the Republican Widow) entirely participates in the sentiments of the Houses, and has given directions to Siz FrepERicx Bruce, our Minister at Washington, to make known the feelings of the QuzEn and people of England to the American Government. May Day. As was predicted by Mr. Punch, the Bill for doing away with certain Declarations by Dissenters, on taking office, came to grief. Lorp Hovcuton moved it in a clever speech, and Lorp Dexsy opposed it, stating, however, that the Declaration was not worth the paper it was written on, if regarded as a protec- tion to the Church. But he thought that the enemies of the Church were excessively Cocky, and that as giving up one thing only led to their demand of another, he sho d take the liberty of shutting them up on the present occasion. The Bill was thrown out by 72 to 49. Speaking impartially, yet with allowance for human nature, Mr. Punch is not inclined to be too severe about this, for there was a Liberation Society holding conferences in London, and day by day proclaiming in the most exultant manner, that either by sap or by storm it was doing all sorts of damage to the Church. And this Bill was part of its programme. A statesman should do right in spite of friends whom he despises, and enemies whom he hates, but Lorp.Dzxsy is not perhaps so entirely angelic as one of his political friends. , FritH paints a picture of the Derby Day. . Jacos Bex buys it, and hands it to Mr. GamBart to exhibit for five years. Mr. Brut bequeaths the picture to the National Gallery, and goes where the good Quakers go. The trustees ask the executors for the picture. The executors ask Mr. picture. Mr. GamBart says that he has sent the picture to the uttermost parts of the earth, but he thinks it may be home in August. This is Mz. THomas BaRIne’s answer to Mr. Grecory. The Horses of Venice, previously esteemed the most travelled of artistic works, have been stay-at-homes compared with the Horses of England—which the picture does not represent, by the way, as it represents the period “ between races ;”’ but we were not going to lose an allusion and a chance of showing our a knowledge, for the sake of accuracy, though we explain the truth, for the sake of conscientiousness. ; An admirable measure, worth a hundred clap-trap Bills, was read a Second Time. t is a Government Bill, and is for the Amendment of the Law of Partnership. The attempt to reform the Jaw in this particular has been made before, but in vain ; and the usual cackle about innovation, speculation, and fraud has been uttered. But the House of Commons read the Bill a Second Time to-day by 126 to 39, so that its ultimate success is a mere question of time. When it is passed, we incline to think that we shall put a little roa | into Mz. Tuomas Banine’s house, not- withstanding his having{opposed the Bill. - sen My Lords send the Public Schools Bill to a Select Committee, who hear counsel. We hope the Blue Coat School will appear, and beg to be deprived of its breeches. A final attempt was made by the obstructives to delay the passing of the Courts of Justice Bill, but Lory Westsury declared emphatically that nothing would |b ever be done if nothing was ever begun, and that for forty years we had been con- sidering, and hesitating, and postponing, and he fairly shoved the House over the fence. Resistance was put down by 55 to 32, and the Bill, and also the Concentra- tion Bill went a-head. Lorp ELLENBOROUGH said that the proposed edifice would require a MichagL ANGELO, whom he did not see. Let him call at 85, Fleet Street, and see the required MicHAzL. Many Indian officers have a grievance, arising out of the transfer of the Com- of the | refuse ee a few words of testimony to the} 9¢ GamBart for the! be pany’s Army to the Queen. Capramx Jervis moved an | — for Rca re age opposed, an Nigra rs | OoD arguing elaborately and incomprehensibly against the plea. But Government were beaten by 49 to 39. This reminds us that the Hon. Gzorce Denman ought to be at once’ put to death. We have the utmost per- sonal respect for him as a gentleman, a lawyer, and an athlete, but he must really die the death and be slain as a traitor. He actually argued, in an Indian case the other day, that the QuzEn, in regard to India, was no meen at all, but only a Trustee for Jouw Company. ill he oblige us by sending a note to Smx Jonw Fox Bur- GOYNE, who, we rejoice to see, has had his long and admi- rable services semnepiets by his being made Constable of the Tower, and say when it will be convenient for him, Mr. Denman, to attend on Tower Hill. Why Mr. Justice BLackBuRN did not commit hint on the spot is a question which like How Does the Water come Down at Lodore ? is more easily asked than answered. . Bank Notes of England are to be made a legal tender in Treland. To do our Trish fellow-creatures justice (though it is just the thing they don’t like) we never knew them any little document of the kind. But they may re- ow gal lights on banking subjects. It was in Ireland the people of a town, hating a certain banker, collected all his notes and burned them publicly, in order to ruin him. Wednesday. the Barres Bother—every incident or easy reference. Of course, we could requires a a say that this debate was upon Mr. Baivgs’s measure for reducing the franchise in boroughs from £10 to perannum. Mr. Baryes moved the Second Reading, Mr. Baztey seconded it, and Lorp Excno moved the yes question, Mr. Biack supporting him, and LeatHaM speaking for the Bill, Then did rise Mr. Rosert Lowe in all his force, and, s ing as a Liberal, and one who had suffered for being one = Tories who had driven him from office here blushed like cabbage-roses) he warned the Liberals st an alliance with ocracy. He cited the celebrated petition of three millions of the people _— paying the interest of the National Debt as proof of the mode in which sacred matters would be dealt with, if we took power from education and property and give it to those who live on weekly wages. He said that any man could have the — if he chose to give up 120 quarts of beer in the year, thatthe man who would not make that ‘sacrifice did not deserve the trust, and that it ought not to be degraded. He made a vigorous and emphatic appeal against swamping the representation. The House was astonished, but cheered, and when he sat down, and a Scotch lawyer rose, they would not have him, but called on Mr. Bernat Oszorne, as they wanted to be treated pleasantly after excitement. The proceedings ended in a row over the adjournment, and after a scene which was laughable enough, the debate “dropped through” at a quarter to six. How Mr. Lows has since been abused by certain organs it is needless to say, but he is as well as can expected. Thursday. LorD Dery, in seconding the motion for the | address to the American Government, had said that if the South had countenanced the assassination, they would have been guilty of what was worse than a crime—a blunder. His friend and fellow-translator, Lonp RavenswoRTH asked him for a translation of this phrase, which has been | severely commented upon. This gave ‘Lonp Dersy a double opportunity—he explained that he had used the | words 0 > the sense of their reputed author, the es- | teemed and respected TALLEYRAND, who meant to say that | NaroLzox THE First, when he murdered the Duc | p’ Encuien, did that which was more seriously mischievous, his own position eonsidered, than a private crime could be. | Lorp Dersy also could not have supposed, until infermed | by Lorp RavenswortH, that anyone could have misunder- stood him. This was a _ way of informing the Times | that he does not read its — articles. : Lorp Sr. Lzonarps opposed an Irish Law Reform Bill | because it struck at the existence of dealings between | attorneys and landowners, and transferred conveyancing | business to a Court of Record. If any reader hastily | imagines that use we are \writing of a great, ve, | learned Law Lord, we must have written “ opposed” in | mistake for “ warmly supported,” that reader should look to the Reports, and, though the statement is almost incredible, he will find that we are correct. We shall hear of his Lordship’s opposing Vaccination next, because it strikes at the existence of Small-Pox. VOL, XVIII. Tc

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190 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 13, 1865, We thought that Irishmen neverran away from their wives. Our own acquaintance with Irishwomen compels us to say that a man who would abandon one of them is an ass whom it were base flattery to call arascal. But Lorp Be.Mone is passing a Bill to give relief to Irish | H wives in such circumstances. ; : chronicle of the week would be incomplete without a note that the House of Commons had had a laugh at Mz. Dansy Grrrrita. He questioned GLapsToNE on the fact that the Zimes announced, in advance, the three main of the Budget. Mr. Grapsronz said that he had not desired such an anticipation of his statement, and that he was quite sure that none of the clerks had split, especially as he hal not told them what he was going to do. To save unpleasantness, we may as well mention that We read his Budget, overnight, by means of Spirits, and sent the points to the Zimes, because, publishing after the speech, we could have made no use of them. ‘ The Tea-Men have really a grievance. Mr. Guapstons, last time he reduced the duty, said that the arrangement was final. Therefore, they bought largely, and ask for a drawback. He frankly admitted that he had talked Finality (it came of sitting so long near Kart Russex), and ree fi ty to oe gence oy, tte of June. rt rfamilias, mind your grocer. e t went mer- rily through the Committee, and the Caancettor slashed cleverly at the Anti Malt-Tax speakers. Does he remember that famous night, or rather morning, in. 1852, when he smashed at once a Budget and a inistry, and was specially vigorous against Mr. Disraett for pro- posing to lay on a House Duty, and take off half the Malt-Tax PIt was one y — we ever a whe ae, having been urposely preven m speaking until very late, he was obliged to con- pr his f sche aia sledge-hammer hits? We never forget anything. The Irish were funny to-night, Mz, Hennzssy complained that the Lorp Lrsutenant had -struek all Irish music out of the Dublin Exhibition programme, whereas there had never been any in it, unless ANDEL is considered, in Ireland, to have been an Irishman because he produced the Messiah in Dublin. ** To wake, to stir, to fire the soul he comes, And Jove’s own thunders follow Mars’s Expel him, Dulness, or you sleep no more:’ She heard, and drove him to the Hibernian shore.” _ Also some Irish Members, with Mr. WHatzey to aid, had a pleasant little historical discussion on King Ox1ver Cromweznt’s policy in Ireland. We like these things—they show education. Friday. The Committee of Lords ‘have reported in the Brougham- Edmunds-Westbury matter. Dear old Henry Brovemam is sone. as England and Punch knew and said from the first. His brother has to explain away a good deal, and we hope he will beable to do so. Epmunps’s conduct is condemned, andthe CHANCELLOR is censured, but is freed from all imputation of unworthy motives. Lorp Dersy, to-day, corrected an error in the report, nd declared that the Committee were unanimous in the qualified =a of Lornp Wustsury. There was an interesting British Museum debate in the Commons, Mr. Grecory leading off. Mr. Guapstone did his best to remove the idea that Government had sulked and shied the subject ever since the House had peremptorily refused to assent to certain Kensi de- signs. It is intended to increase the National Gallery, anda Museum scheme is undereonsideration. Considering the vast quantity of cant which is talked about Art, the condition of our priceless treasures is a pleasing illustration of British consistency. HELPS TO YOUNG DRAMATISTS. Havine already treated at some length of the commencements of wenn Sensane i we Cee oe to ng the ee young Dramatist, at a loss as to the sharpest and mos telling Finish to yg Sag We hasten to give certain forms which, as before will serve as most useful precedents. As in some of the previous instances, the aspiring juvenile must fill in the | dashes, stars, &c., with names of his own choosing. First let us take the finish of a Melodrama :— Scenz—The Precipice of the Black Rock. Three Stars (the villain, waving papers). Liriumph yet! these papers— ( [Murmurs heard without. Enter Jo Bank, hitherto the villain’s accomplice. Jo Blank. —are forgeries! Seize him! [Peasants seize Torex Stars. Mary Dash. And the child—— Sir Richard Doubleblank, —was not drowned. She is—— The Child (who was not drowned). Here! [Rushes into her Mother's arms, All, Ah! Three Stars (addressing Jo Blank particularly). Dog! (to every one generally) Ha! Ha! (breaks from Peasants). Three Stars has lived a | bold and fearless life, and thus he’Il die. Rollo (raising himself on his right arm). Recovering! H [Dies watallo (to Lady Doubleblank, faintly), Your hand, Mother—your Lady Doubleblank (leaning affectionately over him, and looking towards the Audience), My hand! what good can that do thee? But if our kind friends in front will only smile — our SaT to amuse them (Roxio dies) then—( perceives what {Screams and falls on the body. Stow music, All take off their hats, and stand reverently as the Curtain descends on the tableau, (The above example, we venture to think, is a very happy illustration of the neatest mode of appealing to the audience in the usual “Tag” form, without interfering with, or in any way departing from,. the business of the play.] THE COMEDY. A Comedy finishes of course with a rhyming Tag. | Mrs. Dashsiars, Well, me must speak a Tag. Miss Stardash. Of course, my dear. _ sania om Blanks (alluding to Audience), And they'll employ their ands, Miss Lucy Asterisk (pointedly). Yes,—strike, but hear.* Eitsetterer (taking his Wife's hand). Well, [ for one shall never “ call in.” (alluding to some joke in the piece). Mrs. Kitsetterer. No, you at least, my dear, cannot complain. (al/uding [Shoots the Officer .u., shoots the Officer u.u., throws Jo BLANK Waves his hand aloft, and jumps with a despairing into a corner. yell over the i Lionel Two-dashes pice. bio his benefactor). What do we not owe you? A Hunting Soutve, Yeicks, tallyho! unti, uire. Loicks, C) His Gumtadaa 7. Don’t use your hands like that. Be quiet, Sampsoy, do. Mary. Ab! (embraces some one). Lionel (advancing to the footlights). And if our friends in front will only show that we have earned their smiles, then indeed shall all here have good cause to remember the M-blank Dash Mary. —and the Maid of the Etceteraetcetera, (Curtain. As all Plays must have a final appeal to the audience, it becomes merely a question as to which is the best form of address. We strongly advise the general use of “ Our kind friends in front.” THE TRAGEDY. Let us suppose that some rising genius has written a Tragedy in Seams Mind this is only a supposition, never, let us hope, to be realised. How shall he finish this Tragedy ? Thus :-— Lady Doubleblank (supporting the dying form of Rollo in her arms). He yet breathes! Water! Water! [Hreunt Domestics to fetch water. Rollo (faintly, calling for another element), Air! Air! Domestics appear puzzled, and look at one another anxiously. Lady Doubleblank (to Dash, a villain of the deepest dye).,This is thy work, Das! Dash (who has recently taken poison). Ha! Ha! I triumph! I— (feels quatms) I—what is this? (alluding to the qualms) my brain is reeling! I—(feels more qualms, and s 8) 1 faint—I—I die—and (looking as maliciously as he can towards Rowto) my victim—is—Ah! Mrs, Dash, His bands? But you, (¢o Audience) Who’ve heard us plead, will kindly judge our cause, And let your verdict be applause, applause. For our success we ’ve you to thank, Come every night to see Dash Three Stars Blank. THE BURLESQUE, The finale for a Burlesque is the simplest thing possible. Choose a good tune. Prefix to the musical Tag a couplet, running in this ashion :— If (¢o Audience) you are pleased, boys, girls, and Pas and Mas, Then smile on Blankum, or the Magic Stars. Finale. Arrm—Some popular one: a fast galop. Oh, smile as thou wert wont to smile, , For all that we can say— Is tiddleyum ti toodleum And tiddleyum ti day. Chorus, Tiddleyum ti toodleyum ti toodleyum ti day, ' . Toodleyum ti tiddleyum ti toodleyum ti day. [Curtain. With this spirit-stirring, soul-inspiring Finale we leave ‘the young * This being a well-known line, will, if archly spoken, be sure to win a laugh. Of course it means nothing, but that doesn't matter. (Curtain.

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Max 13, 1865.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Author to his meditations, feelin the valuable precedents contained in our Helps to see Dramatist ts. ag sue that when, in years to come,'he has reached the pinnacle of his ambition, he will gratef y acknowledge the deep lasting obligations that he is under to OLD JOHNSON ! PEL Yi = lip ig i] ny f : All | = a Ii ih - ‘y | adit : Nea, £7 — AQ JONES DURING A TRIP TO FRANCE HAS & TROUBLED DREAM. A me a Jem THERE is a cry about Mile a3 Wherein their | breath the street-bo *Tis feared, with purpose to offen Old Jounson ! And if you ask them what’s the joke? qret take a sight, and answer “ Coke.” too plain object to provoke Old Jonnson ! To what coke do fon urchins rude So seecteney allude, Hallooing erisive mood, Old J ld Jounson ! A child was charged with stealing, out Of Mr. Jonnson’s yard, about An ounce of coke; that’s 9 they shout Old Jonxsox ! The Magistrate before whom came ‘The case, declared it was a shame ; So thinking, idle boys exclaim, Old Jonson ! ae spend, ei Ai my “ Had he no-ehildren of his own? ” Asked Pacer; “had he never known Childhood himself?” but oh, why groan Old Jonwson ! “Tis” said his Worship, “a disgrace, | And shame ought to suffuse your face ;” He added, “ I dismiss the case.’ Jounson ! Old Jomyson ! now is all the cry With disrespectful uth, olt fie ! How to bawl as he goes by, Qld Jonson ! LATEST HOME INTELLIGENCE, FEARFUL RIOTS IN THE NURSERY. (Per Back-Stairs and Top-Attic Telegram.) P 10 a, m—The Government troops, under Nurse, have retired for a ime, 1015 a.m.—Rumours of a disturbance has reached the Kitchen. Almost allthe children are in arms. Drawing-room Floor. 10°20 a:m.—It is here reported that the rebel- leader, Master Serger aged five, with the small force of infantry at his co a sudden raid upon the cradle. This move- ment thes been Eadested by the rapid advance of the Government arms under Nurse. The rebel-leader has retired to some distance, but it is expected only for the purpose of recruiting his army. The Siege of tw x 10°45 a.m.—The inhabitants of Noah’s Ark were violently aroused from united forces of wooden and tin soldiers. Little Harry, in command, at once threw out such useless live stock as the elephant with a broken trunk, the guinea-pig, the antelope with three legs, the duck with one, and a couple of common flies, The cannonade is still kept up by Cuanuey, the Major. 10°50 a.m:—Capture of two distinguished foreigners in long coats and round hats, with sticks in their hands, supposed to be Suem and Ham. Japuer and the rest have escaped with Master Harry. Sur- render of the Ark. 11 a.m.—Miss Porry has taken part. with Master Harry against on CHARLEY. Cuaruey has refused to give ba Bee the troops (chiefly Prussian merce- naries, tin soldiers) under his co A diversion has been pricos ys on nile right by the cavalry (the Rocking- Horse) under Master Harry. 1115 @.m.—Miss Porry has made an attack on the rebels’ artillery, and succeeded'in capturing one metal gun loaded with a pea. eral engagement. 41:20. a.m. — The apa age a Soren under Nurse, has advanced between the ne managed to cover the retreat koa apa Porry,. w mn - ry” a doll in the hands of the 12 noon.—The rebel force refuses to deliver up Dolly. Government troops have sent for aid to head-quarters. 12'5 p.m.—Dolly is to be delivered up on condition that the captured piece of ordnance is immediately restored. All pris ena d in th ful ti f building, | t parties engaged in the peaceful operations 0 ing, laying ou farms, and planning a line of railway for general traffic, under the super- vision of a | Government. lpm og gon by the authorities in celebration of the Peace. Some slight urbances arose about pudding-time, but were promptly put Boog 2°30 p.m.—Withdrawal: of Government troops with the dinner-tray. Renewal of Riots. Suing the Cradle! Abduction of the Baby ! ! mw engagement between Government vn Sake under Nurse, and re on of the Baby from a most perilous position in the doll’s peram- their repose by a fierce cannonade from the | bulator 3. p.m. Triumph of the Government forces. Court-Martial on Masters Cuantey, Harry, and Miss Poppy. Sentence, bed. The sentence duly carried out. tas, .—All is quiet. further disturbances. Conservative Economy at Oxford. Some of the eeaalied Conservative party are engaged in a conspiracy with the object of unseating Mm. Guapstone for the University of Oxford at the next election, and putting in his place Mz. GaTHoRNE Harpy: surely an enterprise of desperate foolhardiness. It is hard to imagine what any Conservatives can expect to conserve by opposing the present CHANCELLOR OF THE ExcHEQuER. Do they desire to con- serve the taxes from any further reduction ? QUESTION FOR ANGLICANS. Wuicsa of the two did the old port-wine school of Garaywan prefer, ** Bishop” the Beverage, or Bevenince the Bishop?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 13, 1865, = N 2 | OY GOOD INVESTMENT. Cabby. “An, Stz, 1¥ I BaD Lamp out MY Money att my Live, a8 WELL 48 You’vE LarD OuT THIS SHILLIN’, I sHOULD ’A BEEN A Rich Man By THIS TIME!” LETTER FROM A LADY-SPIRIT. Mr pgak Mz. Ponca, F , _ In vain do we boast of the enlightened Eighteenth Century, and conceitedly talk as if human reason had not a manacle left about her, but that philosophy had broken down all the strongholds of preju- dice, ignorance, aie, and yet at this very time Mesmer has got £100,000 by animal magnetism in Paris, and Matwanpvc is getting as much in London: ! There is a fortune-teller'in Westminster who is making little less. Lavater’s physiognomy books sell at fifteen guineas a set. The divining-rod is still considered oracular in many laces. « Devils are cast out by seven ministers; and to complete the i catalogue, Slavery is vindicated in print, and defended in the House of Peers. teat I addressed the above remarks in September, 1788, to the How. Horace Waxporz. Information‘which 1 have received from various — that have lately arrived in the Fields, induces me to take the l of you how much (besides names and dates) I should have to alter, were I to address the letter to his descendant, the Right Hon. Spencer Horatio Watrorz, M.P.,: seventy-seven years later than the date of the epistle I have quoted. I hear of Spirit Rapping, Mesmerism, yee et Puseyism, Phrenology, Fortune-telling, the Divining-rod, the ons of Slavery, and other characteristics of the enlightened Nineteenth Century I will write to you again in 1942, and repeat my inquiry, mutatis mutandis, if a lady may be pardoned for quoting in a classic language. Believe me, dear Sir, Your faithful Servant, Elysian Fields, May, 1865. Hannan More. P.S. I learn that the theatre still survives. Do you not think that the performance of my Sacred Dramas would effect much good ? Sone to BE Sune on EnTERING A Cuear Divinc-Room.—“ Slap * ! here we are again!’ A FINE IDEA OF PUNISHMENT. WE abridge this account from an Edinburgh newspaper :— “ Conviction or A StupEent ror Tuerr.—On Saturday, in the Edinburgh Police Court, Cronz O’DELL Bayes, a young Irishman, who is well connec and had been studying medicine at the University ee ee tried and convicted for theft, by Baris Mitier. On the 6th inst. he went a cab to the Edinburgh Hotel, and, after remaining there a short time, he drove off, taking with him a top-coat and a meerschaum ~ which had been left in the smokingroom. On the articles being missed, the ‘ boots’ of the hotel went in search of the student, and found him wear- ing the missing coat, and _——— was afterwards found by the police in a loan-office where it had been pledged. e student on the follo’ mo. enlisted in the Scots Greys. Shortly afterwards he stole the sergeant’s riding-s and tried to raise money on it at a pawnbroker’s establishment, where it was detained. After hearing the evidence, BaiLiz Miter found the accused guilty, and sentenced him to find caution for £20, or suffer sixty days’ iny ent.” Touchstone speaks of the “ great virtue” which there is in an “if:” and there is likewise, it would seem, great virtue in an “or” from the mouth of a Scotch magistrate. But for the “or” in the sentence that was passed on him, this young “ well-co: ” Trishman would now be eating prison fare, and have come into close contact with the gaol- house hair-cropper. To turn the virtue in the “or” to good account, however, one must needs have a round sum of money in one’s pocket, or else possess connections that will kindly pay a fine for one. We who live in England are used in certain cases to see fines imposed as punishments, but it is somewhat a new thing to us to see a fine imposed for the committal of a theft ; and lest, tempted by the “ or,” a lot of “ well-connected ” thieves might possibly spring up with us, we have little wish to see the Scotch p: tt adopted here, Edmunds and Westbury. Te Report of the Select Committee appointed to investigate the Edmun dal amounts to this, that the conduct of Mz. Epmunps, in using the public money, has too bad, and that of the Lop CHANCELLOR in not exposing him, has been too good. ,

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ite “if j iff, Uy G/U IY / fh iy YUMMY jp Yj Y Wit YY L iii"

ae wy F d ACL VINES 4 v4 iN . in a TALL bbe c =a BUDGET. Guapstonz, “I THINK, MR. BULL, WE MAY NOW RECKON ON YOUR SUPPORT!”

or = = a "7 THE ELECTION PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—May 13, 1865. f 2) NMA PR Sf WeAVP RAN UHL DHA = y ZARA Y Yip LELES j > ESS ae ger

See ge a <LLUtdififipypyy YY ar a a4 <a —

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Mar. 18, 1866.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 195 ——- the match. He knew well enough, and so did egg = genet, Sst his old cock)“ Reform” wouldn’t fight. He only rest and be thankful. He had brought the old cock in a bag, and would be glad to show him to the worthy Magistrate. He had been a gs bird in his day, he would not deny, and had won (RussEtL) a a w deal of credit and some money; but he begged to assure of persons were | the Magistrate that his cock-fighting days were over. He brought before Mz. | was respectably employed in an office now: his depart- Buut, the sitting |ment was the correspondence. He had a deal of it to do, nd liked the work, and believed he gave satisfaction to his employers. The letters he had to write were principally denouncing or blowing-up letters, and “natural annoyed for the Prevention | the mh ye them. That wasn’t his fault. He should be glad to specimens of his letters to the worthy i . This offer was precipitately but peremptorily The prisoner Pam, (whose numerous aliases bespoke a suspicious relation with the Office), and who seemed a great favourite among his companions in misfortune, with whom he kept exchanging a good deal of tosanaans “ chaff” in an undertone during the proceedings, declared the ‘affair was all moonshine. The cocks weren’t fight- ki R e-difference and so would the worthy Magis- INTERESTING POLICE PROCEEDINGS AGAINST FREQUENTERS OF THE WESTMINSTER COCK-PIT. T the Bouverie Street Police Court E. ster Cock-Pit), was | trate, if he’d fi ted the Westminster Pit as long as with per-| he (Prisoner) He had seen eg P’raps the mil the to | best game was when they had the Bull bait, in the be for -|second year of the Crimean War. That was somethin pose of fighting | like a lark. But the beaks had made no fuss then, thoug’ , cocks ; Jonw Wa-|a good many coves he knew lost their places, along of that LIAM alias Pam, alias the Tiverton Pet, alias the Bottle-holder, Cam-| very bull-bait. Knew Insrzcton Ponca very well, and bridge Hi i , describing himself as “ in'the public line;” Jom~ Russext, | hoped he might be allowed tosay he was very good friends 32, Chesham man of letters; Wim Ewart Giapstong, ing | with him: a. friend in the “force” often came handy. | E : 12, Downing Street, tallyman; Roszxt Pert, alids Wri Rosuyson, of 4, Whitehall Gardens, tableman, and known to the police in connection with “tips ” and betting offices ; t deny he had fought a main or two in his time : $' H. Brawn, a8 Buildings, Whitehall, whipper-in; for in the ven ye called real fighting now. q i ay paling, Whigal, whe: & OK, My do rh I ae mse and resisting the police: BenzaMin ues’ impudently sai 1, Grosvenor Gate, literary man and yarn-spinner; Joun Bricut, 40, Gloucester | he aad not deny he liked cock-fighting, and didn't see Terrace, ing man; RoBERT Crci, ll, Duchess Street, vinegar merchant;|any harm either in that ora dog-fight—or a bull or badger- ARTHUR cK, 19, Ashley Place, og-fancier ; Bernat Ossonne, no address | bait either, for the matter of that. Rozsuck was so cheeky and no — but getting his livelihood by reciting and tumbling at public- his it vated him, and he down his houses ; a pon be of other defendants, for whose names, —~* and Did not Sony tae had steel spurs ty might one addresses we cannot spare space, for (aiding, encouraging, and assisting in the blood, and inflict a painful wound. He hoped so. fighting of certain cocks. a wis Didn’t see what was the use of matching cocks without Mr. Insezcton Pouncu appeared in support of the prosecution: the Prisoners were undefended. The prisoner Ossonwe said he only went to the Pit to see Mr. Ponce said he had been aware for) some time that the House in which the | if he could get employment, as he had long been out of prisoner Denison was advertised as taking the chair nightly, was (used for pur- poses which the Society for the Prevention of ei: 45 Animals had instituted to prevent : as rat-matches, dog-fighting and badgering. Occasionally, he had reason to believe, even bull-baiting had gone on there; at least he had on several occasions. seen a Bull in a state of the utmost exasperation, from treatment in that House. The persons who were particularly active in a ey ye fight while he yet pe were the prisoners Cecri (who used very bad language all = time peace, = aes “ be a to wuoke yey with every- # Y everything. He hada famous dog, which he offere against any- thing, from a rat to a rhinoceros. ; oe Roxzsuck here offered to lay the worthy Magistrate 10 to 1 that his dog *eM would pin and draw him (the istrate) as soon as look at him. The worthy Magi declared that he never had to deal with such a trouble- a customer, and that if he did not hold his tongue it would be the worse for and was anxious for an odd job: he had heard such had in and about the Westminster Pit. to Mr. Puncn if he had heard him say cH said he certainly did not notice him takin in the match, but he was “chaffing” a good deal, an med well known in the place. The worthy Magistrate said he was reluctantly obliged the prisoners, as there wasn’t sufficient evidence of the actual fighting. Tn fact, it seemed as if they were there rather to arrange the terms of a main, ex Re a a a 5 e i the pit, and he would take care that, so as he was con- cerned, no violation of the law should take He thenj cautioned the prisoners, and discharged t. An attempt at applause was smipprenese. On their way out of the Court, the prisoners Czcrn and Roxsvcxk got fighting violently in the passag-, and were separated with difficulty; on whicu the wsicny Magistrate directed they should both be locked up for the assault os .~ other, . ee. ty TT cme 2 began ‘AM jhe mig! » protected against Bricxr, who, he said, had threatened him with violence. He wasn’t afraid of Brien, or any man, but he hated fighting, if he wasn’t fairly forced into it. The Magistrate cautioned Brieut that any breach of the peace would be severely visited on him; all the parties left the Court, ap rently thinking themselves lucky in having got off so oanily.. The prisoner Rozsuck saucily rejoined that he never had held his tongue yet, even at the bidding of the worthy Magistrate's betters, and never meant to. He was at last, however, with-some difficulty induced to be quiet, by the united per- suasion of his fellow-prisoners. The Prisoners, on being called upon for their defence, gave various explanations of ‘their presence atthe Barry Arms, but all declared it had nothing to do with" cock-fighting. The prisoner Buicut sulkily said the whole thing was a ‘ plant,” as far as he was concerned. He had insulted by some Swells, and gone into the house to punch their heads, when he had been nailed by the crushers, He didn’t understand why. Didn’t see any cock-fighting. Didn’t believe was a game bird in the lot he saw about the place—they were regular dunghills most of them. The prisoner BRanp said the ipits might have been used forithe pastime of cocking in former times, but lately the matches had not been g ones at all, but mere innocent sparring with the “hots” (or leather on the cocks’ spurs. INSPECTOR H wished the prisoner Russzit to be asked whether he had not expressed a wish to back his old ginger-pile cock “ Reform” inst the prisons Dunsy’s red-hackle “Aristocrat ?” and whether the prisoner ‘AMIN eae pet been .active in promoting the match and getting money on Dzrsy’s ‘The ‘prisoner Rossext. admitted he be a have spoken of sucha niatch,.and might have mentioned a young cock of his own breeding, called ‘ Amberley,” which he was anxious to enter for the Westminster Pit; but it was all chaff about New Bishop for Cornwall. Sm,—Why create a new one, ‘when there is a distin- guinea Ecclesiastical digni in the Eastern Counties oing nothing? Need I say that I allude to Bishop Stort- ford. I remain, yours truly, A Sropest or BrapsHaw.

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Mar 13, 1865. PRIVATE VIEW OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY. N the 28th of April, dear Mr. Punch, you favoured me with your card for the Private View at the Royal Academy (thereby blotting out a private view of my own, with a holida y at the end of it; but no matter, no matter, sufferance is-the badge of all our tribe), and instructed me, in something of a peremp- tory way, to send you a report in time for your last_publi¢ation. I have always thought you London journalists in much too great a hesty for articles. Some years ago, before I had the distinguished honour of placing my abilities at the disposal of Mr: Punch, I attended, in the capacity of an incapable reporter for I know no more of music than most of the critics of the ay) at a continental Musical Festival. It was interesting to | all musical Europe. After the tion performance, some of my Sonnets, Frenchmen and Germans, proposed that we should take carriages, and explore the lovely sreaity around us. “I will go, as soon as I have sent off my letter to London,” says [, then fall of a zeal which I have since domi- nated. They all opened their eyes in wonder, and then opened their mouths to declare that I was an eccentricity. About four days afterwards, some of them began, at their extremest leisure, and by way of relaxation from dominoes, to write reports to their own papers, but when I left at the end of the week, nobody had got beyond descriptions of the scenery and com- pliments to the ladies of the place. The lesson dwelt in m mind, and I resolved not to be hurried in future, unless could not help myself. To have written about the Private View in time for the last Punch, would have hurried me very much, as I wanted to go out of town, and as i could help myself, I did. But I went to the Private View, Mr. Punch, Sir, as you may ascertain if you doubt me, by demanding at the Academy a view of the sheet on which I and many other Swells signed our names in order to procure re-admission after going out to lunch among the ladies at Farrance’s. I saw, with my own

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Mar 13, 1865] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. eyes, the colossal Primate of England, and the venerable author of the iste of the Jews (who was writing, rationally, on certain matters when C*L*Nso was a small boy) and Mr. Diskaztr, who I perceive was seen by the Sipe person who writes your Essence of Par- liament — To to write, and you coarsely refused to allow me to do), and the distingui Lady of Secrets and Sensations, and @ t Poet, and many Academicians, who were affable to me, and the ubiquitous Bisnop Acarnon, and the prettiest and cleverest of our young English es, and some critics, whom I will trouble you not to throw in my face, because they had been round the studios, and their long and elaborate articles, next day, had been —— in advance. Nos efiam in Arcadid, Sir, and I know their tricks and their manners, as the Person of the House observes. It did not occur to me when _ thrust your ticket - comments upon me in your overwhelming and steam-engine manner, bus me out of the sanctum before I had time to light a cigar, to ask you what for, or what you wanted me to say. Do you desire criti- cme on 1077 works of art? Ie i Some, of om, fa Betehen of which rs to an end in twenty-one i » en Or will you be vallahod there are many works of genius, which deserv® neither praise nor dis- her be excused from speaking of the ocile of scribes, and whether epigram or — ae write it. Pe ne bes is the m hangs over the mantelpiece in which I receive my customers. But when I am left totally without instructions, I am sure to send you just what you 't want, and to ‘tread corns of some of your friends and is to say, to truthfully. I wish you would give me such my as Logarithms, or the Conservation of Forces, or tial Galoulus. Though some people are so awfully sharp- that they would discern {allusions even in a treatise on these. used to complain that if he mentioned a church and a Nay tayo oe be insulting the clergy. I at this is the Ninety-Seventh Exhibition, I shall ing the icians of being in their senility L uaturally demand the meaning of that conventional gute melodramatical exclamation, Nobody makes it in real ence it is a fitting Ideal — of the Inconceivable. The explana- tion is yours. It has flashed on —— that May is the Poet’s Month, especially since the seasons have changed, and it has become the month of Rime. Poetry and Painting are sisters—hence poets and painters one another like cousins. Will is kindly allow me to do the Academy in verse? Gantn wrote the Di ry, and Cowren 4 Review of Schools, neither of which facts has anything to do with the Bat first of the Motto for the Year. Firstly, it is spelt rightly. Secondly, it is out of Porz. Thirdly, it is this = — “Solawpaieieat-orueey pane mon »~ 80 ‘d. Nature, like A should > reset, Or our Distinguished Patrons may be pain'd.” _ And I think this isa v od motto, which every artist should inseribe in letters of gold ont his cane. %: And now for my ACADEMY ALPHABET. A’s Mr. Anspett, Brave steeds in a whirl, Floored Poacher, and O such a dear Spanish girl ! B’s Mr, Boxatt, with portraits so true, I'll box all: who question his merits, Do you? C’s Mr, Creswick, who’s glorious, by George ! And blessed ’s the Blacksmith who bangs in that Forge. D’s L. Desanezs, who depicts our Sweet Saints— They should call him Anges, from the darlings he paints. E’s Mz. Ecworz. She’s tempted to sin; She’s fair. ‘Will the Lily or Passion-flower win ? ¥’s Mz. Farrn. What a splendid display ! A loyal R.A. with a royal Array. G’s Mr. Graz, ever gracious and fresh, Embalmer-in-Chief of each Notable’s flesh. HZ is for Hook, and the sea is his Line,! love, hear the billows, and smell the fresh brine. T is the Ink into which at this crisis i rhe rt hte my name, and cut off for some ices. is GzorGE Jonzs, who records the ¢ deeds Recital whereof makes one Saves ah sas reads, K’s Mx. Kwranr, who gives cards for this Sight, ‘ whose works are as fine as their painter ’s polite. L is Sm Epwrx. Self-painted, he ’s there, With a glorified dog on each side of his chair. It’s also for Ltenton, who ought to be proud - oe the va, ben yonder diaphanous clo is for Mrzxats, inter who Dares. See that terrible Devil who's Sowing the Tares. It’s also for Manxs, with his humour and trath. Sing Gurgoyle, sing Feeble, sing Beggar, sing Tooth. NV is for Nosopy—Hi severe Have excluded his family lnegely thie gear. OisO’Nzm. Gallant boatonthe blue: And what Swells must have sat for that fine-looking crew! P is Jouw Pamtre—the and the ‘tone Q isthe alin, thee wail“ How ged on I am ap race pen pe i B’s Ma. Reporave. All know his desert. And Punch printed—he painted—the Song of the Shirt. 8 is for Sranrmitp—a Name, till ‘the That shall hurl ee ites Bias Bock. ‘T's Ma. Tuonsven, less ‘to U’s the Umbrella U leave down bélow— For how Snobs poke at pictures we dll of us know. V is for Vanuwrrez Purtnszr, who draws ” Mageliend ielive—sten toni of saeews. wares X is the By the Sevmmhive strom ‘that Yis Y STANFIELD, ‘s to bear anne nn a i wont Z’s Zoroaster. Who's Madam, ¥ M. Bunsen and I do not Fp ny There, my dear Mr. Punch,I flatter m I hove discharged any dig like a aan, and if you are not bar ton gid can give your Eevee View ticket, next year, to any other of youryoung men, without t shadow of dissatisfaction upon the pleasan’ pensive, and cheerful but t yet thoughtful countenance of Your devoted Contributor, Goneril Terrace, Regan Park. Ericunus Rorunpvs. PARSON’S ENGLISH. One would think an English Clergyman should know how to write English ; but here is one who does not, if he penned the following :— ANTED, a HOUSEMAID, not under 22, in a very small, quiet, Cl ’s family, who can wait at table. A personal character of at least @ year req! is it the clergyman or his family that is “very small and and are we to understand, as the sentence seems to indicate, that it is the family “who can wait at table?” Then, pray, which year is the one whose c is required ? and what in the wide world can its character have to do with the hiring of a housemaid? Wi there is no evidence of an approaching rupture between our Church and State in the fact that this Churchman so misuses the Queen’s English, iet ? SUPPOSE AND SUPPOSE. Surrosz a Lords’ Report. Suppose it whitens Lorp Brovenam. Suppose it—whiteybrowns Lorp WEsTBURY. Suppose Lonp WEsTBURY resigns. a new CHANCELLOR is wanted. Be to cern aad avai thot i y, to com roun e, LORD BROUGHAM | Step up, Henny C. Confiscation Made Easy. Mr. Guapstone has reduced the Income-Tax from sixpence in the pound to fourpence. This tax will not cease to affect only a portion of the nae 2 and 4 a, _~ + —- is confidently expected to, make people in gen rge i it is a confiscation which © ry those who alone are subject to it in different inanciers hope that the few who may still feel the injustice by the Income-Tax may now be induced to put up with that imposition of the consideration that it is only a little one.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 13, 1865, \ AN QQ ; WASS ‘ SQ Wy Sah Ay SAS AN \ AW : WY \ ANY RAN WSO X SN Lyla W i Py F APPALLING x } ie: ; | Nee } Ppst Mj ; ) : DISCOVERY. Atazenow catts (wira a Lovey Bouquet) on THE DaRLInG OF HIS HEART. OVERCOME BY THE NoontipE Heat, SHE SOFTLY SLUMBERS. H&E GAZES ON HER FOR AWHILE, SPELL-BOUND IN RESPECTFUL EMOTION, WHEN SUDDENLY SHE BEGINS TO—YES !—No !— Yrs !—ro....SNORE!!! EXCITING CONTEST AT CAMBRIDGE. By the time these words are published, an interesting competition will have been decided in the Senate House of the University of Cambridge. A valuable prize will have been contested by no less than nine Clergymen, and the contest of the “sacred nine,” if it verify the anticipation expressed in “ University Intelligence,” will have been “a sharp one.”’ The bone,.so to s of contention, which will have n borne off by one of those reverend divines, is, as a native of the Emerald Isle might say, a bit of fat. It is a bone that has a consider- able quantity of meat on it, being the Rectory of Ovington, a living whereof the gross value is £436, with a house, whilst its population is only 400; so that the winner of it will find himself in the comfortable circumstances of liberal remuneration with little to do. Not for a moment, however, must it be supposed that the love of ease and idleness has had any influence whatever in pitting nine holy men t each other in a sharp contest for the valuable and unex- acting Rectory of Ovington. The sphere of usefulness constituted by a living that comprises only 400 souls, is physically limited; but its very limitation in a physical sense allows of so intense a devotedness to | be the cure of those souls as to render it capable of indefinite moral and spiritual expen. Put the nett value of Ovington Rectory at £400 ty equal to the figure of the population ; the souls would be curable a ought to be, that would hardly be too high a rate for the cure of them. Suppose, however, that the souls of the Ovington re do not want much curing, the appointment to cure them would be a comparative sinecure. But then its zealous and industrious holder might devote the leisure it would afford him to the cultivation of learning, to the confu- tation of popete and Dissent, the dissipation of doubt, and the recon- cilement of t with the natural sciences. Therefore, if we cannot exactly ascribe the hard struggle of those nine candidates for the Rectorship of Ovington to the ardent desire that spiritual physicians might feel to concentrate their energies on a small and select practice, per antmam per annum: and, if the souls were so cured as they |O let bs refer it to earnest wishes for scope to advance the science of their rotession. : ' . , The living of Ovington appears to. imply long life, for the late incumbent, the Rev. Epwarp Smaons, held it fifty-four _. Mz. Sons, without any Simony; won it in 1810 against Dr. Biomrtetp, late Bishop of London, who, if ‘he had become the incumbent of such a snug benefice, might’ perhaps ,have been. seriously inclined’ to say Nolo episcopari. The certainty of an income above £400 a year, and therewith the necessity of labour restricted to the obligation of minis- tering to a population so moderate as_one not ex that number of pounds, are conditions which may-be. conceived to be eminently favourable to longevity. That is to say, in the case .of a-reverend bachelor ; though many a curate, having married on £100 a year, would | doubtless regard Ovington as a Paradise that would need to be; by no means exclusive of an Eve, _To the foregoing remarks we may venture to add a positive contra- diction of the statement that the nine reverend competitors ‘forthe po Orington, Lee for i to = by rym good living by the exertion of jumping in surplices. is a way in which the race for Church Pa ad could be ran, or even thought of ing run, only by the most extreme professors of muscular Christianity. The candidates vie with one another in good works, and the best and best scholar = wins. So especially considering the age which Mr. Srmoxs attained to, we may say “ Long life to the winner of vington !’ Hand and Foot. In the shop-window of a aig © of St. Crispin who is established in a suburban district, there was lately displayed the following notifica- tion :— ** Very large Assortment of Gents’ Patent Dress Boots always on Hand.” A customer of the species called “rum” might be disposed to ask = profferer of these boots, whether they do not every one fit like a glove f renee ta ies rage Dea Bats a Ses Pad le im! at mm oar jm t of London —Saruapar, May 13, 1366. inet of in the County of Middlesex, ani Frederick er. hitefriars, City of Loadon,and Published by them at No, 35, Fleet Street, in the P: Mullett Evans, of No. 11, verte wu

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May 20, 1865.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE DUBLIN EXHIBITION. ANOOeT AAD RSH BULL yay he The purty crushers, white-wanded ushers, For my oon order both inside and out, A distant humming 7s some one coming, Which grew into a loud and loyal shout. Whisht! All are now in, the Pruvce is bowin’, And him the darling Duxe or Lemster shows Which the best way is, up to the dais— Sure, ’tis but following the Royal nose ! The Choir with anthems start up like phanthoms, Or larks, who carol up at Heaven’s gate ; Then come the spayches with lots of “ h’s””— *Tis them that has the larning quite complate. In words so taking the Prince is spaking, And is explaining, in a pleasant way, To the Burgesses that our PRincgss is Unable to be present on that day. There ’s CHARMAN Sanpars from the bystanders Comes out, and says, while giving up the kays, ** When from the door, Sir, you go out, sure Sir, ‘Youll lave it open for us, if you plaze.” Then men and maidens, sing songs of Haypn’s, And in bright spangles, red and gold galore, Sir Bernarp Burky, he struts like a turkey, Och !-’tis myself ’ud strut if him I wor. That ’s he that spoke now, “ All you good folk now, (Don’t interrupt me, boys, with your applause)— To th’ Exhibition there’s free admission For all, by simply paying at the doors.” MRIS Doe Shooting . * Mi ae JAE 8 (BREAST IS for swate Dublin, my muse I’m throublin’ With tuning up my harp, to which I’ll sing; J 7 to the nation! a great occasion or everybody and for everything. I drain a chalice to the Winter Palace, (So called bekase ’twas opened first in May), To AtBeRt Ep’aRp, who has conseder’d His people’s happiness, and cross’d the say. ag = ice Wopenovse! who'd think ye would owse The Royal light, which should blaze near and far ? | The place ee a covered coach in, Och! he’d have been better in an outside car. | While folks were waitin’, there comes, great state in, | Lorp Frrency, Lorp Beaumont, Lapy Mary | Quix, And o’er agenst her, stood the Dux or LEINSTER, | The first to let his Roya, Hicungss in, | Then, MasTHER Pouncu, in we went to lunchin’, Or what in French we call a déjunay, Such delicessies and water-cresses, With sherry, white wine, likewise Sang Peray. With something lighter the present writer Was satisfied, and walked about incog., On treasures gloating, I kept on noting The chief things mentioned in the Catalogue. Here first and foremost, like the Koh-i-Noor most, Stood out a lump of granite all alone, Och! ’tis worth putting in there, that cutting, From Ireland’s sham-rock, called the Blarney-Stone. There ’s Eve with shaddock, carved, and the Haddock That first swum into yon; 4 Dublin Bay ; These pipes are labelled as the n the fabled Musician before Mosgs used to play. Faix, here are Praties, each bread-and-mate is ; An Irish lamb trimmed with shillelagh sprig ; Just by your knuckle, see now, the buckle That was first covered in an Irish jig. While I’m romancing, the sounds of dancing Come from where, in the Lonp Mayor’s Mansion Hall, Trip Erin’s daughters, like laughing waters, Who with ye can compare, at all, at all! Here’s all that’s loyal to all that’s Royal ! And may with glory Queen Vic-tory thrive ! The best 1’m wishun’ to the Exhibition Of Eighteen Hun-de-red and Sixty-five ! THE SEAL OF THE CONFESSIONAL. Tuts Seal, which has recently been exhibited at the British Ecclesi- astical Museum, is a curious work of Art. On the obverse side is an enormous earwig under a rose (emblem of wong surmounted by the terse legend engraved in Church-hand, “Trust Mz.” On the reverse Side is an Hibernian-looking head encircled by the apposite motto, “Wuo Breaxs—Pays.” The Seal, we understand, was designed in Rome, where it is looked upon by connoisseurs as an article of virtw. To our simple sight it appears antiquated in style and quite unsuited to the En lish climate. _ minds of a high order confess that this sort of has for them a mysterious charm, but we gravely doubt whether any good impression can be made by those delicate instruments that will not bear exposure to the light. VOL, XLVIII.

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eR Re are Oat se a 1.15 SPER eee ee ee ee ee Sumprasess A I ete he SE A EE ES = PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (May 20, 1865, PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. onpay, May 8. Lorp Sr. Lzo- warps, though afflicted with a superstitious re- verence for some things simply cause they is not a mere ob- structive, but a constructive also. He has _ intro- duced a Bill for the establishment of Courts of Con- ciliation, on the French plan, for settlement of dis. utes between asters and Workmen. He hopes by this means to do away with Strikes. The Courts of Justice Bills were finally _ passed. Lorp _JRepdss- _ DALE objected to a bridge over the Strand. Loxp RepEspatE may go to Bath, insert his head into the hot water, and keep it there till we send for him. How are the lawyers to get across without a bridge? Are the precious lives of the learned to be put at the mercy of those accomplished ruffians who drive Vans over people? Are we to lose half-an-hour waiting until the street shall be clear? Or are the Inners and the Middles to charge the enemy, as in the glorious fray, ** When down came the Templars, like Cedron in flood, And dyed their long lances fn infidel blood.” We have sworn by St. Neromux (he was thrown over a bridge and martyred, and hence was made patron saint of bridges) that we will have a Lawyerduct. The Atheneum proposed that Temple Bar should be used for this pape, but as its chamber is notoriously haunted by the ghosts of people whose heads have mouldered on the top, we fear that ladies who go to consult their legal advisers in the Temple might be terrified. We ought ‘to record, by the way, that we have never seen a single ghost looking out at the window on the City side of the Bar since the pe obstruction blotted out St. Paul’s. Lorp Hartineton admitted that Lorp Cuztsza had made one leap from the junior captaincy of the 3rd Middlesex militia into the Major’s place, taking nine captains, some of many _— —s in his jump. Further, he justified the wonderful feat in the frankest way, by saying that it had been permitted because Lorp Cuxtsza is a nobleman of influence and position in his county. A fiend has just whispered us that his Lordship, having been born at Durham, may be useful when militia are mustered. But as militia are not mustard, but soldiers, we confess ourselves utterly unable to comprehend what the fiend means, Mr. Catrp very properly demanded of Srz Cuantzs Woop what he had done in reference to the Spwry ey A pery ve s of Sm Cuaries. TREVELYAN in India. Sim C. the first said that he had not had time to understand the subject, but had caught various members of the Indian Council, and signified to them that he would not allow export duties to be laid on the staples of India. The staples, we should explain, do not mean parts of locks, which, indeed, are little used in the East, except for paspeees of navigation, but Principal Commodities. Somebody has chalked all along the Marylebone Road, Educate the Poor. It is our business to educate the rich. Mr. Mason Jones, a sort of orator, and clever, we are told, in his way, in- geniously managed to get a capital advertisement out of Lorp Excno, by asking that good-natured Volunteer to_correct his account of something JonEs was reported to have said about Mr. W. E. Forster. So Jones got a whole paragraph in the debate, and it was headed with his name. Well done, Jones; Punch gives you another lift for your smartness. Sm Gezorce Gary said, without laughing, that the L.-L. of Ireland had not stricken any Irish music out of the Dublin Exhibition programme. Talking of that, we heard a story which will be understood in Ireland, and also here by those who know the'difference between lawful and unlawful whiskey. “ Your brother’s been made an L.L.D.,” said somebody to his friend. “Has he, by jabers” (all Trish persons swear by jabers), said the other. “An‘L.L.’D.! I’drather be a potheen D.” We were going to send this to the Dublin Exhibition, but it was so heavy that our cab broke down. The Baines Debate was resumed—there was a crowded House, and a sensation. People said that Mz. Guapstonz was going to answer Mr. Lowe, but people said the thing that waa not. The Debate had two points of interest. First Sir GeorcE Garey, for Government, would not vote against the Bill, but he declared that the Administration would not be bound to a £6 franchise, nor would he undertake that be- | There were good Are,|MAN, and Mr. Sransrenp, The Working-Man cannot any large Reform Bill should be brought in next Session, The Ministry would be guided by Public Opinion. Secondly, Mr. Disraztt avowed his belief that his as well as the Liberal my to carry Reform Bills, when the country did not want them, had been a mistake, but he was in favour of a large extension of the suffrage, not downwards, but in a Lateral direction. Punch likes to conserve a fortunate yhrase. Lateral Reform is a fortunate phrase. The Par- iament that effects it will be known as the Lateral Council, speeches from Mr. Forster, Mr. Hors- complain that he is not talked about. Every statesman undertakes to phot h him. The only thing is that no two portraits are alike. , the Previous Question was BatnEs’s — by 288 to 214; majority 74 for dropping Tuesday. So much of the Edmunds Scandal as has been caused by the grant, by the Lords, of a pension to Mr. Epmounps was atoned for by the solemn revocation of that grant. There was long debate, over which the Lorp Cuancexxor presided, in silence. Wuattey, amid laughter of course, asked Sm Gzorcr Grey whether he would bring in a Bill for pre- poate By lish clergymen from declaring in a witness-box (as AGNER of Brighton has done in the Road Murder case, {now revived by the statement {of ‘Miss Con- stance Kent), that they will not divulge what is told them under the seal of confession. Sm Gsorer’ be imagined. Mz. Wuattzy sniffs Rome in every breeze and we wonder that he has not given notice that he will call attention to the new Eleanor Cross, at Charing Cross, and ask whether Protestants who are going to eat white- | bait at Greenwich ought to be exposed to.the jhumiliation of beholding that Popish symbol as they go in for their railway tickets. But for the Seal of Confession—as Mz. Sxetcu- LEY’s Mrs. Brown observes, “No, WHALLEY, says we, we don’t hold with that, says we. he’s aj Roman, says we, to Rome let him go, but he shall make no seals out of Protestant Wax, says we, if we know it. The egg- , for it’s dry work talking theology, WHALLEY.” R. GLADSTONE was to be humorous in answer to a question about the General Election. The questioner called him a Prominent Member of the Government, for which he expressed his thanks, but said that the statement of an Oxford Committee (his own) that the election would take place in the second week in July, was not made on the authority of the Prominent Member. This condescension pleased the House, and it laughed with the great Financier. _ Sm Wittram Parws-Gatiwey, Baronet, we name him in full in sign of approbation, made a strong attempt to force the railway people to give a means of communication between passe and In reply it was said that the companies had been diseussing 196 inventions, and none would do. Whieh Bishop is to be the victim whose fate will cause the right thing to be affixed on every. line in England in forty-eight hours, or will the Company-Deities accept an Archdeacon? We admit that taking away the advertisements from newspapers that dare to record acci- dents on the lines is a step in advance, but even that bril- liant invention fails to satisfy the public entirely. We intend to travel with a large Revolver, which, at need, we shall fire at the first Signal-man we pass after we are alarmed. His executors will have a good action against the Company, and then we shall get upon the jury, and give £10,000. _ Great fun those AzzEm Jax petitions. They have been signed by hosts of folks who have no more idea who AZEEM Jan is than they have of the Man in the Moon. Signatures have been obtained at a penny apiece. Something is due to decorum, even in a farce. Wednesday. A cheerful Church Rate debate. -Mnr. New- DEGATE had a plan, whereof not much need be said, as it was squenched by. 126 to 42. Government opposed it. Mn. Krxenaxe objected to it, as perpetuating the rate. Mr. Heyeare delivered a neat hit at the Dissenting party, whom he charged with systematically hindering all efforts to settle the question, because they preferred its existence as a grievance. Mr. Hapriexp said that Dissenters were very loyal to the House of Brunswick, and therefore ought not to pay a tax of which they disapproved. The argument is a good one, and we shall adapt it to circumstances nex! time the Income-Tax collector appears at our residence. Mr. Locxn’s Theatrical Bill then came on, but, as he felt it his duty to begin with a history of the:drama for the |

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Max 20, 1865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 201 last three hundred years, with sketches of the plots of all the plays, and biographical notices of the principal actors, the clock cut short at a quarter to six. Thursday. Lond Westsury carried his Bill for turning the County Court Judges into little Lord Chancellors. A Gas Ger proposes to extend its works at Chelsea, and the BisHor or Lonpon made a strong protest against the poisoning the children, and the flowers, and against the pollution of the Thames. We hereby applaud the good Bishop, who, e divers ecclesiastics, ceatenians Wis duties to/the bodies as well as to the souls of his flock. We usually abstain from noticing things that are only going to be done, but we do just as we please, and all that we do is for the best. In exercise of our unlimited discretion we mention, as part of the history of the American war, now supposed to be concluded by Jouwnston’s surrender, that Government was asked whether it had determined to withdraw ‘its recognition of the Confederates as belli- gerents, and that Sin Gzorce Grey desired a postponement of the uestion. 4 The rest of the night was given to the Union Chargeability Bill, which the “ country By. ” oppose with much doggedness, and the debate was adjourned amid vociferations, and the exchange of witti- cisms, as e grave senators. We suspect that in justice to the Speaker, who in vain struggles with a disorderly house, we shall have to re-enact the law of the Duello, for Parliament only. Small swords and pistols to be kept in a Committee Room, and seeonds to be chesen by ballot. Any member bellowing at another, to prevent his being heard, to be liable to be called out. We shall regret having recourse to a barbarous device, but anything is better than the transformation of the House into the likeness of a vulgar Vestry. him | evil of which Friday. Lorp Suarressury called attention to a frightful social few have any idea. There is, in the provinces, an organised system for obtaining the agricultural labour of children. They are hired in , by persons usually of low and brutal character, who let out b boys and girls to the farmer. The result is cruelty and vice. The Bisnor or Lincouy corroborated the Earl’s statements. The Crown is prayed for inquiry, The CHanceLior, in answer to Lonp Westmzats, of whom he made much grave fun, intimated that an English Clergyman has no confessional rights, and Lorp Onetmsrorp, lawyer and Conservative, regretted that Mr. Wacxzr had not been sent to prison. The Bisoor or Loxpon desires to put down mock-Catholie per- formances in his churches, but finds it difficult to obtain evidence. Sermon-hunting Snobs write him anonymous letters as to what they say that they have seen, but skulk away from giving available testi- mony. Mr. Cave showed that Postmasters are underpaid, considering the work now thrown upon them. The Pry induces some of them to discourage, or at all events not te aid the Government in regard to deposits and annuities. Any official so acting should be dismissed, but the — ab ge ro n ought ty be made li The Post Office — a 8 , Ww. 8 in improving it—we ought not to pay taxes to the postman. —_— _ The Clock Tower is to-be finished, no new buildings are to be erected in the square ; there is to be a tunnel for members, that they may not ‘run over in crossing to Parliament Street ; Ma. Hexzerr is to ee for the House, and £10,000 has been voted for a Fire- ri A CASE OF REAL DISTRESS. FLora CaN SEE A LerTER FROM HIM, BUT CANNOT GET IT FOR AT LEaSt TEN MuvurzEs, BECAUSE Pa Has THE Key. A SQUALL IN SUFFOLK. Our Eye is everywhere, and we have an I for Ipswich. That interesting metropolis is in a rage. The Royal Agricultural Society was ex- pected to fix its 1866 meeting there, and behold the meeting is to be held at Bury St. Edmunds, perhaps in compliment to the Chancellor—Lorp CHELMSFORD will understand us. The Ipswichers and Ipswitches think that they (especially their hotel and lodging-house keepers) are wronged. But speaking in the interest of visitors, we don’t see it. The strongest argument urged in an able and vigorous protest in the Ipswech Journal is, that people can easily get out of the town, whereas they cannot get out of Bury. € admit that few persons who have been at A are unduly desirous to remain there, but then Bury is a particularly clean place, rich in antiquarian | interest, and altogether tolerable as a temporary residence. There are the remains of the Abbey, also of the late Mr. ConpeER, and the Norman Tower, and Ickworth, with its eleven mile park and all sorts of things to see, when one is tired of the men whose talk is of bullocks. As for Ipswich,—for further particulars apply to fr. Pickwick. e recommend it to resign itself to fate, calmly, and to resign the beast /ée, civilly. A PHENOMENON IN A POTHOUSE. Amone other curiosities this was in the Zele- | graph of the 2ad ult, :— ARMAID.— WANTED, by a Respectable Young Man, a SITUATION as BARMAID. Good recommendation from last situation. Address, &c. A young man “as Barmaid!” Well, in the days of Bloomerism, it would not have astonished us to hear ofa young woman acting as a Barman, But we never should have dreamed that a man would so unsex himself as to seek a situation as A CURIOUS ARTICLE. Wuart queer people there are in the world! and what wondrously odd things are men- tioned in advertisements! Only look at this :— WANTED, an Active or Sleeping PARTNER, with capital (profits an article which the human frame is generally troubled with. Address, &c. ‘ Ae insect can hardly be regarded as an article; else we might imagine that the troublesome g { . “sleeping” seems to favour this idea, nor does the word “ active” at all militate against it. One had needs be pretty active one wants to catch a flea, and one certainly must catch it, if one wants to “ carry it out” alluded to above must bea flea, The reference to “ from where the human frame is troubled with it. a Barmaid. Old folks may well complain of the effeminacy of the age! It is against the law for men to wear women’s clothes in public, exeept- ing on the stage; and if a law were passed forth- with to do away with that exception, it would be about the best thing that the House of Laws has thought it worth its while to do, in this supremely idle pre-election Session. large), to carry out Scrence.—A Lecture on the Great Distance of the Sun from the Earth willshortly be given by a Member of the So/ fa Association.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 20, 1865. Hie Y SN), 0, a ; Yj ~ y 4 tS Z Y /* “A i Say, Sf /Z Wiewy a = y) \ q Hy A SERIOUS JOKE. Mamma (whose darling is undecided whether to choose a Noah's Ark or a Box of Wooden Animals), “ WHIcH DO YOU RECOMMEND, Mr. CantTweE.t ?” Mr. C. “Wertt, Mom, you sre NoaH BEIN’ MENTIONED IN ‘OLY WRIT, WE ALWAYS RECKONS TBE HARK ’sS THE ADVANTAGE OF BEIN’ a SunDay Toy, Mom!!” PICTURES OF THE WORKING-MAN AT THE ROYAL WESTMINSTER EXHIBITION. Iw one point at least the Royal Westminster Exhibition, now open in the sumptuous quarters provided for it by the late Mrz. Barry, may be said to be quite in the spirit of the times.- It. working-man’s exhibition.” Not that the exhibition of Liberal and Conservative R.A.’s is like the Show now open in the Floral Hall, or those lately established in the Agricultural Hall at Islington, or the Lambeth Baths, one exclusively or chiefly of working-men contributing the products of their industry or the amusements of their leisure. Indeed, we should like to-see more working-men in the wet more evidences of industry, and better employment of leisure. But this may called “‘ a working-man’s exhibition” in the sense that it includes a vast number of pictures of the working-man. Indeed, Taz Workine-Man seems to be quite ¢he fashionable subject with the Westminster painters. They are as devoted to him as Reynotps to his old Beggar-Man, Romney to Lapy Hamitton, or Mr. ABRAHAM Cooper to his White Horse. We counted above a score of pictures of him, and then we stopped in dismay. It may be thought that such repetition of the same subject would be wearisome. We know, however, that if two painters sit down to paint the same subject, two very different pictures are sure to come out on their canvasses. So, in this case, where more.than twenty limners have set themselves to delineate “Tae Workinc-Man,” we find the most extraordinary variety in their pictures of him. We cannot pretend to pass all these works of art in review, or to pronounce, with any decision, on their comparative merits, whether of daring It is emphatically bei * invention, curious one-sidedness of perception, or painstaking truth to | his nature, Let us hope that a true portrait of that mysterious being, “Tue W.-M.,” might be arrived at, if by some critical process we could extract from all these very dissimilar representations such essence of truth as they respectively embody. But at : eg after careful study of all these pictures, we must honestly confe: ss, that we have not arrived at the faintest notion of what this W.-M. is really like. One thing is clear, that if all these features really belong to him, he must be the most remarkable individual living. Indeed, we cannot understand by what accident he is not at this moment being exhibited in St. James’s , or under articles to Barnum. He ought to be an immense draw, as an exhibition in himself, for he may be described, in the showman’s terms, when he spoke of the lions and tigers in the same den, as “ the greatest combination of discordant nature now travelling.” But we despair of ever seeing the W.-M. for a shilling. He is the Great Unknown of the present day, and may rank with another mysterious entity—also represented in the most diverse styles and with the most contradictory attributes—the Coming Man. The more we think about it, the more puzzled we feel as to this mysterious W.-M. How, if the Worxtnc-Man Je she working-man, does he find time to sit to all these artists? Unless, indeed, sitting to artists de the W.-M.’s only work. In that case he comes under the category of a professional model, and of course transforms himself at the will of the artist. If so I can’t trust the pictures of him a bit more than I can those of the yellow-haired, long-jawed young lady who sits to all the Pre-Raphaelites, and comes out now as Belinda, now as Nemoé, now as the Witch of Endor, now as Mary Magdalen, and now as Mariana in the Moated Grange. And how do all these artists manage to get sittings of the W.-M.? Do theytwork in batches, ap away at him with porte-crayon and drawing-board from all points of the compass, as the students do with the Langham Chambers model. Or do they track him on the!sly, as the artists of the illustrated papers hunt a British Prince, distinguished foreigner, or a great criminal; sketch him flying, and get him on the canvass, unawares, and when he is off uard. if so, this may help to account for the vast variety of these pictures. But in that case the fact ought to be acknowledged in the Catalogue. Instead of the bare repetition of the same title, Portrait of the Working Man, why not give us explicit descriptions, as “the W.-M. building up the social edifice ;” ‘‘ The W.-M. pulling down the fabric of society ;”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—May 20, 1865. . Tit e 2S os are THE WORKING-MAN, FROM THE ROYAL WESTMINSTER EXHIBITION. 450. Taz Worxine-Man 451, Tae Worxinc-Man - John Bright. - W.E. Forster, | 1001. Tae Worxine-Man 1002. Tue Worximnc-Man - Edward Horsman, - R. Lowe.

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Jo Ae a Bh al ee, ee, ee. Oe ey a ee oo ae as CMa So |

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Mary 20, 1865:] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Wit. improving the shiniag hour; "The WeM womtioving Same -M. im e 8) our; e W.-M. worshi Monday;" “the W.-M. wallorping his missus;” “ he -M. informing his mind;” “The W.-M. drank disorderly ;” “ The e W.-M. regenerating the world.” We conclude by a notice of some of the most striking of these numerous pictures of this puzzling original.* 1002. The Working-Man. (R. Lows.) Boldly and highly-coloured, but with an almost Caravaggiesque darkness in the shadows. Mr. Lowe’s power of occasionally carries him away, and like Rusens, e is often careless of drawing, in his violent foreshortenings, and deter- mination to get effect. ‘ The scene of Mr. Lowz’s picture is a public-house. The working- man is seen pondering over his pipe and pewter, while Barranw1a holds before his eyes a balance containing the franchise in one seale, and 240 ts of beer in the other. The W.-M.’s eyes are fixed intently on the aed and the scale with the franchise kicks the beam. 450. The Working-Man. (Joux Bricut.) A work of a highly ideal order, couleur de rose predominating in the tone, and the whole figure painted as QuEEN KiizaBeTH insisted on being, without shadows, and with a forcing of all the high lights which destroys any natural effect the design might otherwise have possessed. Indeed, unless the picture had been desoribed by this title in the Catalogue, we should have called it Portrait of an Angel at the Setting Sun. The character of the work can only be accounted for by supposing it to represent the W.-M. in his future state of glorification or apotheosis, and we presume the Sun is that of England, which Mz. Bateur is fond of painting “ going down.” Mr. Bricur, in this picture, has fallen into a fault very rare with him, excessive use of the sweetner, and has mixed an enormous quantity of oil and varnish with his colour, that we fear the work can never stand exposure to the light. 1001. The Working-Man, (Epwarp Horsman.) Mr. Horsman is one of those erratic and eccentric geniuses, whose work it is extremely difficult to criticise ; its cleverness is unquestionable, but this is aecom- panied by an oddity and habitual defiance of rule, which will always prevent the painter from taking that rank in his profession to which he evidently aspires. - He seems to prefer the most_unexpected lines, and the most startling combinations of colour. In this picture he has borrowed a notion from Hocarra, and paints the W.-M. in the act of peig yey the beam which supports the Crown, regardless of the fact, that he himéelf will certainly come down with it. The idea is extravagant, and the design has no prototype, we are convinced, in — But as a purely artistic performance, the effect is very ing. 451, The Working*Man. (W. BE. Forsrzn.) A piece of bold imaging. tive invention, which, till we looked at our Catalogue, we took for a portrait of Gatizzo in his cell, ora philosopher in his study. The W.-M. 18 represented as absorbed in the task of mental improvement, and all of the picture is concentrated on the head of the figure, which must be admitted to be a very noble, benevolent, and intellectual con- ception, How far it‘is like its original we would rather not pronounce A scrutiny reveals a r pot and a pipe under the table. Beneath the feet is an emble- meant, as far as we can make it out, for the seven be said. to. be the leading varieties of treatment to which sitter has been subjected. : : a comfort to know which the W.-M. considers the best likeness of himself, and we should be glad to learn this from his friends Oar own impression is, that the painter of the sought for, and that we shall not find the great artist justice to this subject till the long expected and e ©. M., or Commune Man! contributor to have drawn ly wy his own fine Soccer: Sey coma ae and = The Pope’s Reply. perchance, have shown gentility Docror BE. oar chief, L own : Bat could _ ask Infallibility at it would take an Waemc-rowe ? ts our sails are fanning, you not Peter's bark wants Mawnrne ? F Can The Clerkship of the Weather Office. Mr. Guatsuer, F.R.S., Meteorologist and Aéronaut, is announced, on good authority, asa candidate for the office held by the late ApMrRraL irzRor. Nobod: MY LORD LOFTY ON THE EDMUNDS SCANDAL.) A Jos is a job ; indignation won't mend it, And every man wants his job done in his turn ; So throw Epmunps overboard, and let that end it, After all, he’s been found out, and that’s Ais concern. Everybody ’s done something that won’t quite bear probing, But probes are not tools to be used upon Peers ; And Trath seldom és pleasant, if after unrobing, We expose the coy goddess to newspaper sneers. No doubt it was wrong in the Pension Committee, iGiey know the pow sam ings poor Epmunns had done, ° Not to button their pockets and their pity, And let down the unfortunate man by the ran. And no doubt it was wrong in Loxnp Wezsrsuryr, rather, Not to tell the Committee.of Epwunps’s tricks ; But only consider his feelings as father, _ Reluctant his son’s name in scandals to mix. He had settled that Epmunps’s place at the table, Should be filled by his StuvesBr, in regular course, And tried, as was was able, A humane and decorous reserve to enforce. And as for poor Epmunps—one Aad heard a rumour, There was something not right in his patent-accounts ; But one knew he was lazy, and just of the humour, To make little slips in his cheques and amounts. After all, office business is managed so loosely ; Book- opieg 's a thing that no gentleman knows; And poor Epmunps, no doubt, did his duties obtusely— He never could see past the end of his nose. But then we all knew, and upon the whole liked him, Though perhaps at two thousand we might think him dear ; And supposed from his post if we quietly kicked him, None would miss such a sum as eight hundred a year. The affair would have blown very quietly over, Had it not been the rumpus kicked up by the Sfar ; Bat those penny-a-liners, of course, were in clover, With our House to bully and bring to their bar. i are party arrangements, but mot less The Committee report’s, no doubt, ly true ; One’s glad the o/d Brovenam from the mess comes out spotless, Though it certainly does leave some dirt on the sem. Lorp Wesrsury fas been a little incantious, And in ing his nest, p’raps, aleetle too keen ; But this virtuous horror is really too As if other folks’ As if other noblemen hadn’t relations, qe : cond mene Seen vesstod ballin ‘0 loving parental impatien Aaded Ge rane Toldnahd Come “eckingiite mesa! Such prudish isy ’s very disgusting : For my part apy tet os pe And when y papers their noses are thrusti Among Peers and their Pensions,—/ call it a shame! It’s overstepping their functions, which stop at the Commons, It’s insulting our order, sans peur, sans reproche ; It’s degrading the woolsack, and my name and no man’s Is safe, where such levelling doctrines you broach. There—the Pension’s rescinded—let that end the matter : Those who’ve nothing to do with ’*t, the better for chem: Least said’s soonest mended—so hush all this chatter— The more that we stir it the more it will—hem ! Well Done, Dunne. Amonest the Parliamentary Notices of Motions the other day was the following :— * Coroxen Dunwe,—To ask why the third instalment of the Delhi prize-money has not been paid.” However objectionable a practice rey in general may be, in this particular instance everybody except the y can possess higher qualifications for that office than . GLAIsHER, who, besides being a gentleman of high scientific i ts, has-more than once ascended in the atmosphere to the height of five miles. masters who keep back the Delhi prize-money, will admit CoLonEL Doaxn, in acting as a dun, to done good have service, |

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 20, 1865. L*AFRICAINE. say ga aria Deepest Dungeons of the Inquisition, comfortably furnished with books, This is the Libretto of the grand new old Opera. Evolved from the depths maps, rants, sextants, septettes, octoroons, the last new g of our own moral consciousness, with slight aid from the entirely con- from \StanForp’s, and @ copy of the “ Globe Shakespeare” from tradictory accounts furnished by critics, none of whom were present at MAcMILLAN 8. 50.8 the performance. Vasco (turning globe). But it still moves. Stop, I ought not to say N.B.—Copyright and right of Translation reserved. that. I am not Gatizo, idée Qanina. [Studies Map. Selica. If you loved I as I loved you, I’d show you where the ships | go through. “ Vasco. I love you to distraction, but do you understand the use of maps, fair savage ? { Selica. omy” 4 When only four years of age, I was taken by | cruel parents to England, and sold to Sm Ropgnick Murcuisoy, | President of the Geographical Society. [ escaped by the submarine | a See, false man (shows him a Map), that is the way to double | e Cape. Vasco, You are an angel, and if the devotion of a life—— | Enter Inez. I hope you are quite well. Inez. Not in the least. You are free. ; | Vasco. You are an angel, and if the devotion of a life—— Inez. But it will not. In fact, I have made other arrangements. To | save you, I have consented to marry Don Pepno, and we are going out | to discover the passage to India. : J Vasco, I am astonished. [He ts astonished until Curtain falls. | Council ; : ACT IIL. , is ‘ witha ine o Forte. A great Ship at Sea. The footlights represent the stern. Cabins seen. | Bishops, Grand Inguisitors, inquisitive Courtiers, Members of the Royal Nautical incidents, Inquisition band plays, “ Oh, the roast Jews of | Lisbon Geographical Society, and others. old Portugal.” First Bishop. Vasco pt Gama was a great discoverer, but we await Enter Inez. is return in vain, because he is i Jnez, Alas, poor Vasco! Enter Vasco, through a porthole, : Eater Vasco bg Gama. A t Vasco. Believe me true, Vasco, Subject to correction uy rg 3 Reverence’s superior knowledge, | Jnez, You must also be very wet. I venture to remark—nothing of the kind. Vasco, lt is so. 1 love you. . Enter Don Pepro. Pedro, I cannot allow such an observation to be made to my wife. What ho, menials ; Enter many nautical menials, Pedro. Put this slave into a cask. Head it up. Bung the bung- hole. Throw it into the sea. [4 tremendous Storm arises. vt ee S AMZ: He is not drowned, In fact, he’s found. Vasco. I love Donna Inez, and there exist very large countries which have never been discovered. . Don Pedro. You must not love Donna Inzz, because she is engaged to me. Bishops and Inguisitors, And you'must not say that there are any other countries than those mentioned in the Scriptures. ages Call . wo a goog (They — a meen my dear, ou, Sir. Are there not vast countries yet undiscovered ? “Selica pie: Nelusko. We decline to make any statements. Behold on os — groans, Token pte Grand f a itors. Go to prison for lif [The Ship begi: by Hs mi yen thousands of Madagas 3 ri nguisitors. © prison for life. ip begins to go to Davy JonEs, w. , sad . . [He goes to prison for life. wae swim round her, come on board, and draw swords, daggers,

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Wy lagas- ggers: > May 20, 1865.) PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 207 afghans, mucks, creases, ataghans, inferences, and other weap ithin reach of its poison. There occur sixteen bars in unison on the @f vengeance, Ali the white folks are going to be massacred. Sourth string, and the audience weep for seven minutes, Enter SELICA. Enter Serica and Newvsxo, following Selica. Dow't ! inte (Eley dealt, Sie Shr atete: Selica. Who told you to come? Splendid pagodas, temples, caves of Elephanta, Giants’ _Nelusko. I thought that I had apprised your Majesty of my unde- viating attachment. ; one, prtully nautches, and other interesting scenery. Szxica| ,, S¢#ea. Did you? I forgot. But it really does not matter. Are ts Queen : she enters. Selica, My feople are loyal, but they have constitutional rights, and they insist on g all these whites. Enter Vasco. Selica. So! you are there, are you? Vasco. To your Majesty’s assertion I assent, and to your Majesty’s inquiry I reply affirmatively. ‘Belica, The people will kill you. ‘_— Vasco, It is unfortunate. It occurs to me at this crisis respectfully to ask your Masgsty why you are called The Africaine ? Selica, Because I am an Asiatic. that I can save you in one way only. I will declare you my husband. Vasco, You are an angel, and if the devotion of a life—— Inez is heard singing without, “T go to execution, *Tis righteous retribution, And by this Constitution All foreigners must die.” Vasco. That voice! You love coquette ! that Tis well. Vasco. Is it? it might be better. ACT V. and oranges, Srom the trees, , bring in your prisoners. Vasco and Inez are brought in. that I love your Majesty. Selica, If equally convenient, hold your tongue. But where is that petson’s husband ? Nelusko. Ask the sharks. Selica (haughtily). 1 ask you. it. What can you expect? Inez. IT expect nothing further in this mundane sphere. Selica. But you love him ? case, Selica, Ha! And you love Aer? _ [Pointing to Inez Vasco. I love you both, and if the devotion of a life— . Silence, you double-faced Janus. they be happy ! The Scene changes, and discovers Che Apas Tree. Zt is very splendid, with red leaves, but surrounded with dead elephants, lied BRMIN teegr Bae applying (after dark) at the back of tchthyosaurians, crocodiles, giraffes, and others who have ventured Lavra BETHEL, : wands Row, Westaninster wes . ’ Resuming the subject, I remark (He starts. Selica. How dare you start ? 1°ll make yousmart. _ [Sarcastically. [The Curtain descends on his conviction that however well it may be, Queen Setica’s Gardens: hey are very beautiful, olives, ostrich-eggs, oysters, and | all other luxuries depend | Selica. Is this Madagas- car? Am I its Queen? But without entering at this moment into a discussion upon those details, slaves, Yelusko. It may be con- venient for me to mention But I am answered. Now, false lover, and you, artful woman, you are in my power, and you shall feel [ Pointing to Vasco. Inez. The statement which has just been made in reference to my late husband, allows me without impropriety to say that such is the | @P Pollio in Norma was a gen- tleman to you. . Never mind. , Put them on board a vessel which 1 see coming, and which is about to sail at 6°45 a.m. for Portugal; and may | Sh [ They are led away to happiness. they safe ? Nelusko. Deign to look through these branches. There the ship, and on his return Vasco pz Gama will be made Admiral of the Indian, Persian, and Arabian Seas. How do you know that ? From a statement in Mz. Cuantes Kwicur’s excellent ia of Geography. _ Selica. You are night, it is an admirable work, and no gentleman’s library can be complete without it. Now give me that b of crimson berries. Not that—keeping the largest for yourself, pig! [She eats the Upas fruit. ‘Ee does the same. Tremendous final Chorus. Mademoiselle Sare. How they are singing out of tune! M. Faure. Perfectly atrocious. ( Dies. Curtain falls on Final Chorus, a3 a ; * yy ew i ‘= Oe + Page y yy 5 gg ? = FROM ALGIERS. Tue Emperor reports progress every day by telegraph to the Empress. In answer to an anxious inquiry sent by her Imperial Majesty, the Emperor replied that Evc&nre need be under no appre- hension on his or her own account, as at present, though, perhaps, pearances might be against him, he had no intention of giving in his adhesion to the Mahommedan faith, _|_ Another telegram from the same Imperial source to the same Imperial Lady at Paris announces, that the Emperor has —— had a most encouraging sale of Julius Cesar ae Arabs, an has, on most a aya terms, disposed of several aged copies to some elderly eiks. A new Chivalric Order is to be instituted, called The Arabian Knights. (ADVERTISEMEST.) UR SCOURERS WANTED.—Clever hands, accustomed to cleaning Edm

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Mary 20, 1865, } | | ii i jes \ | MT }| =I VERY LIKELY! Porter (at Tangley Marsh Station.) “Express Tran Just coreg, Sr.” “AW—BWING ’NOTHAR IMME- Swell (closing manfully with the difficulty). DIATELY, aw—” bu RAILWAY COMPANIES LIMITED. From the subjoined statement in the Zimes, the public will regret to learn that the almost omnipotent Railway interest is not absolutely to have everything everywhere its Own way :— i 1} | phadaii iil f “* RAILWAYS THROUGH GREENWICH PaRK.—At a meeting of the Board of Visitors of the Royal Observatory, on the 24th of April, the President of the Royal Svuciety in the chair, it was resolved to entreat the Admiralty to maintain their former " ex- clude all railways from the Park.” The reason that prompted this deplorable decision to try and keep railways out of Greenwich Park, was the con- sideration, from ascertained facts, that the oscillations caused by the trains would be sure to disturb the scientific operations going on atthe Observatory there. What a pity there is an Observatory in Greenwich Park! No doubt there are romantic, unbusinesslike people who wish that there were one in every park, and every other pleasant place whose aaee ae repose are, as they fancy, in danger of being distur and spoiled by hissing, puffing, screech- ing, reeking, and odoriferous railway trains. ‘The Iron Horse is a good thing, but, in the opinion of these weak persons, there may be too much of a thing, and they think that the Iron Horse has kicked down so many lovely scenes, that they have had something too much of the Iron Horse. Ordinary horse-worship, they allow, may be tolerated, as harmless absurdity, but they consider that the worship of the Iron Horse, which sacrifices everything } to its idol, is becoming an insufferable nuisance. Iron Horse worship, moreover, associated, as it mostly is, with the worship of the Golden Calf, seems to these sentimen- | talists a sordid and contemptible idolatry, the abomination of whose desolation ought to be limited. Owing to their praecions it may be long before we shall have railways in Hyde Park and Kensington Gardens. shih SSN To the Protestant Public. Tue Seal, at the Zoological Gardens, in justice to the governors of that delightful: place of instruction and re- creation, presents his compliments to Mr. Punch, and begs |, to state that he, the writer, is a thorough Protestant, and | disclaims any relationship, or any connection whatever, | with the now notorious Seal of Confession. A ROW AT HER MAJESTY’S THEATRE. Unoer the signature of “ A Youre Maw From THE CouNTRY” a Correspondent of the’ Morsing Post complains of annoyance inflicted upon him on the evening of Saturday last week in a stall at Her Majesty’s theatre, by the noise made by a party in a pit-box on the right side of the house not far from the stage, talking and gabbling incessantly and loudly during Act 1 and half of Act 2 of the perform- ance, when they left, of their own accord; not turned out or removed ge he Opera, le f th t d oth ing at t t yo men from the country, and other rustics i inferi persons Livesey “the thing.” It is “‘ stylish,” it is “ nobby,” a practice usual with the right sort of people who mean to show that they understand what is what, and are up to the usages of the nobility and gentry. It bespeaks the cream of the cream, the supreme of the superior classes, whose superiority is such that they are above listening to music, however good, and how well soever re 4 or indeed listening to anything whatsoever but one another’s sm The Opera in course of performance whilst these superior people were chattering was Norma, Pa for the heroine, and S1n1co for Adaigisa ; and the “‘ Young Man from the Country” says that he expected “a great treat” from their singing, of which the conversation of the stylish’party in the pit-box interfered with his enjoyment. Norma is a work of some genius,.and Titrens and Sinico are singers of the first excellence ; and the di of Bg.1ini’s music, of their execation of it, and’of the desire of the mass of the audience to hear it, argued the good breeding of those who interrupted it with their genteel dis- course. Had not people moving in their sphere of society heard Norma often enough before, and what were they to care about it or about the pencertien. wanted= to hear it? If the Opera had been J/ Flauto Magico, or Don Giovannt, they would have talked all the same, only louder, to show their jority even to Mozant, that is supposing them to be aware that Mosast is considered by judges of music to he any’ i What were they at the Opera for? To talk, and look: about the house through their Jorgneties and flirt. There is only one Opera that persons of this quality could ever be expected to attend to, but to;that they, might pay some attention from sympathy | with the principal character in it: La Traviata. The “ Young Man from the Country” innocently enough remarks :— “ It mattered not what was sung—to them chorus, duet, or solo were all one, and’ their discordant. harsh, voices were heard to the annoyance of more than m; Let us hope that this letter may come under the eye of this party who well have stayed at home for interest they hadin the performance.” If his complaint about talking at the Opera should come under the eye of the talkers; they will only at finding that they have given i “Ha, ha! That was you and me,” it as annoyance to a serious listener. they will say in their colloquial manner. Wishing to give additional vexation to the valear ho pravely object to their “ destingué” habit of talking at the Opera, they might, in lively ay omy with the pecu- liarity of the place, improve upon it another time by substituting, for ordinary “dialogue, recitative. - Their “discordant and harsh voices” would then produce an effect amounting to the creation of an absolute disturbance; for which, with all due regard for their quality, the Manager might possibly give them in charge, and abe might be walked off like other disorderly persons in the neighbouring aymarket. Worthy the Attention of All. Tue Dinner of the Newser Press Fund takes place on Saturday next at the Freemasons’ Hall, Mz. Cuartes Dickens in the Chair, and very first-rate vocalists in the orchestra. If there be such a thing as National Gratitude, Mr. Warren, the excellent Secretary to the Fund, will be smothered in Bank Notes ‘and Cheques, contributed by “ the Million” in acknowledgment of public services rendered by the Press, and far too great for ordinary: co ial remuneration. So subscribe to the Newspaper Press Fund. BisMaRCK ON THE Prussian Navy.—Begin at the beginning. The first principle of our Naval Architecture is, “ Make sure of your Kiel: body in , of No. U Woburn e we rene. F Rg. 4 Place, in the Parish of St impart, May 20, 1863, Printed w of ’ famoe, = ths Countv of Miadlesex. and Frederick Mullett Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of efriars, City of London, and Published by them at No. of No. 11, Bouverie in the Preeinet of Vleet Street, ta the Perish of Bt. Bride, Oy

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May 27, 1865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE BANISHMENT OF THE BEGGARS. A’ NEW “ TRAMP CHORUS.” (Suggested by a Clause in Mn, Vitxzers’ “ Houseless Poor” Bill.) a Say Cre Pe A LETTER FROM A LODGING-LETTER. _Mrs. Fricuer presents her compliments to Mr. Punch, and requests him to peruse the follering advertyzement, which she thinks it is dis- graceful in a jernal like the Zimes to have allowed of its insertion :— Rooms WANTED, by two gentlemen, living a few miles out of town —two small bed-rooms and one sitting-room for occasional use, for the next three or four months. The bed-rooms may be anywhere, but the sitting-room must be on the ground-floor. The attendance must be perfect, and the rooms and servants must be scrupulously clean and neat. Regular lodging-house-keepers, with wretched furniture and overworked servants always dirty, are politely requested not to answer this advertisement. Mr. P. will much oblidge his umble servant, Mrs. F., if he will please to mention what steps she ought to take for to recover compensation for this mean and hojus hinsult, which as a “ reglar lodging-letter” she have hereby received. Mrs. F. would beg to state that if it had been only in a pexny newspaper, she would ave passed it hover with con- temptious disgust, for penny advertyzers is not what she aspires to entertain within er ouse. But being in the Zimes she feel it is a hinsult and a blot on her carackter, as ought at least to be apologised if not a 5 pun note or so into her pocket, which though she do let her rooms reglar, her furniture she will say is fit for rE erage pre and it is a wicked calomel to talk about her servant being “ overworked and dite for I do mostly all the cooking, and except the stoves and boot blacking and cleaning of the knives and forks, and washing up the crockery and brushing up the ouse a bit, there’s reelly next to nothink in the way of dirt and dust as my gal ever have to do, and as for over- work, why lawks! there never were a place more easy for a servant nor more comfortable nayther, for she only have the drawing-rooms as dine every day at home, for the ground and second-floors goes out directly after breakfast, and the back attic he gets his meals all in the City, and is shoes and shavink water is all as Ae requires, which there’s nobody at present occipying my top front. War axp Becavst.—Why are Cats kept in sporting gentlemen’s Stables? To scratch the Pde: Aco . ' : S\ 2) hs us, 2% +, >») SE WW OW, ey now tramp to prison cell, Or quit the trade that pays so well. The scamps who whine for charity, Cleared from our streets ere long will be A clause in Mr. Vitirers’ Act Is fatal to all tramps, in fact ; And beggars who disturb our peace Must now their odious calling cease. Sham injured workmen will no more Display their wounds from door to door. No more the lame will howl their woes, Or clap their crutches on our toes. No more the blind, with ghastly eye, Will glare on all who pass them by. No more, when they are frozen out, Will hulking navvies baw! and shout. Sham porelyaes now no more Will shake and shiver, as of yore : Sham widows will no more be seen, With eyes upturned and aprons clean, And hired babies in their arms, And hired brats, who bellow psalms. Artistic tramps will now no more Chalk “TI am starving!” at your door ; Or on the pavement lie forlorn, Beside the mackerel they have drawn. Hence! ye tramps who dog our heel, And beg or bully, whine or squeal : Hence, ye one-legged cripples, hence ! es e who make pretence Of having for your country fought : Away to prison, and be taught, By exercise upon the Mill — The benefit of Vittrexs’ Bill ; Which (and ’twill soon be law, we trust) Provides that all, who can work, must. Catholic Fare in Quod. Perrrions from various Roman Catholic congregations were pre- sented the other evening in the House of Commons “for proper religious provision for Roman Catholic prisoners and paupers.” The religious provision contemplated by the petitioners, as proper for their co- religionists in gaols and workhouses, might be surmised to be fish on Fridays and during Lent. Very well; allow the deserving Roman Catholic poor salt cod and parsnips; but as to the Roman Catholic criminals, they had better be made to fast altogether as hard as possible, with the whole of the Protestant convicts to keep them company. vel, XLVI.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 27, 1865, AMENT. onpay, May 14. The Indian Officers’ Griev- ance was brought be- fore the Lords, and strongly urged by Lorps DonovcH- MORE and HovGH- ton. It may have been impossible, in transforming _—the . Company’s army into e the QuEEN’s, to avoid Ss some awkwardnesses, but the brave In- i ved the Indian Empire, de- serve to be treated ith all considera- tion, and not, as Loxp Lyvzpen said, im a shabby and un- spirit. LonD made the PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLI that the difficulty had been that of the man who had to put thir- teen men into twelve beds, giving each man a bed to himself. This illustration was a instance of aristocratic officialism, devoid of precise information. The affair is mat and it is a case of eleven beds—but the superior classes can never understan thing; give us a pencil, There, up in the corner we have sketched the thing as it is, and—stop a minute—there, Lonp Durrerin, there you are, with a slate. Now, perhaps, you can understand. The Subject Dropped, as the gaoler said to the s when bringing the latter something for dissection. Lorp Hoveuton, in the Lords, asked a question which was also asked by Mx. Wuirte in the Commons. Lorp Russet answered in the Senate, and the in the House of Representatives. The question was, whether Govern- ment would withdraw our — of the Confederates as’ belligerents. The on. elligerents ? and do the answer is a double questi we they ceased to be b Re-United States declare such to be the case? Our course must depend upon that of our friends, the American Government. Let us hear what they say. Lorp Patmerston has been ill, and to-night made his re-ap mce. He was tremendously cheered by both sides, Mz. Disraxti cheering as heartily as the rest. The Premrer’s arm was {in a sling, but that did not prevent his putting a smooth stone into another sling, and sending the missile straight at the Goliath of. Brighton. Then, Mr. Darsy Gruirritx (amid laughter, of course) {snatching at the first moment to renew his about the Zimes getting the heads of the Budget before the speech, Pam made him a jocund kind of answer, saying that the jo made guesses, sometimes good, sometimes bad, and that he was quite sure nobody in the Government had betrayed secrets, and so on—all a laugh at Mr. Daxsy Grirritx, and accepted by the House “in like gamesome mood.” The Excluders of the Poor from the Parishes rallied for a new fight, but under the eye of the Schoolmaster were much more decorous than when the] excellent usher, Grey, had charge of the School. Still, a struggle was made to get the Bill| referred to a Committee, so that it should not pass this Session, but Mr. Punch’s | rebukes, and the expressed opinion of the country, produced their effect. The Obstructive Exclusives were defeated by the enormous majority of 266 to 93. We may as well continue the odd story. The Committee was taken on Thursday, when Hentey, who had headed the a. made an Ugly Rushon his own account. He proposed a clause mg? iting the Removal of Paupers at all, under any circumstances. As soon as . VILLIeRS could take breath he expressed his joy over the repentant sinner, but, translating the Sibthorpian formula, said that he feared such a Greek when he brought a present. The Henleyan suggestion was understood, and rejected by 184 to 110. We hope to see it law, but the change must e with care and forethought, not as a political dodge. The Greek got rather personal, but Mr. Giupry acted as peace-maker, and the Bill went through Committee. The spirit of the Excluders may be learned from the Greek’s last words. He said that the measure ought to be entitled one “ for relieving the towns from their fair burdens.” JoserH#! Don’t. You know better. Look at Mr. Punch’s Cartoon, Joszru. Tuesday. A’ Bill for permitting Local Authorities to dispose of Sewage, instead of sending it into our rivers, was brought in by Lorp RavenswortH. e fear that it is too mild to be of much use. One of these days, London, whose hands are now clean, will turn round uponall the tewns above bridge, and demand what they mean ¥ defiling the water that is to come down to her. It will be the incident of the Wolf and the Lamb, only that Lamb London will show fangs like a Wolf, and be in the right. Punch advises the Towns to do what is proper without waiting to be made to do it. We have not paid Three Millions to Sir Tawarres to have our river polluted by Oxford, and Henley, and Maidenhead, and villages of that character. The Admiralty intend to do away with Masters in the Navy. ’Tis a time-honoured | title, mentioned by SuaxsPEaRe. But who are to be the substitutes in these days of armed ships? lIronmasters? Mr. Mitner Grsson had nothing to tell about the Basses Rocks, Ceylon. He might have said something about the Bass Rock, Stanfield. As he did not, we say for him that the veteran has painted a noble picture. We have had a glorious battle at L troops have utterly annihilated Sr. agos, where our 1 our enemies, without losing asingle man. So says Mz. Carpwett. Clearly we must have supernatural aid and . Gzorce must have visibly fought for us, as Sr. James did for the s in that famous affray, wherein the Commander itted that he had not seen the miracle, but,(with a wink, and a full recol- lection of his own clever generalship) added—“ Sinner that aS am I that I should have beheld the blessed sain Mr. Cowrer was cruelly badgered about the intentions of Government as to the British M but he kept getting away cleverly, and dodging, until he fairly wore out his persecutors. e su he had explained to Mr. Guapstonz that he would not stand any more of it, for, later in the week, the CHancELLor, whom few dare r, ae ay the House should know all in Government’s good time. The Examinations for the Indian Civil Service were the theme of a debate on their utility, There is no doubt of their utility. Mr. Cocurans thinks that they are toosevere. They are not too severe. How many more times are we to say this? The Dunces, certainly, have most zealous friends, and we really want another ALEXANDER Pops. The Lorp CHANCELLOR has been wag the Edmunds matter, has been brought to account, and has been declare wrong, ‘and censured, That is well. But it is not well that such persons as Mr. Ferranp should be encouraged to go on nagging and nibbling at Lonp WzstBuRy on two- penny matters connected with a relative who has caused him explanation was Wednesday. On the previous night Mr. Morrarr a’ speech on ptcy and was Counted Out. To-day, incensed, he gave notice that he should move to insert in the Minutes the name of -" Member who should Count. This he means as a sort of punishment. Bosh! The Counter is felt to be a noble Institution, and his still small voice fills the Reporter’s Gallery with rapture. Those gentlemen will never name him, we hope and trust, and if they do not, all is serene—who reads Minutes ? But the House will not alter a wholesome rule to please an man. It is a remarkable fact that people who are wo hearing can keep a House. Mr. Monsex1’s Bill for getting rid of the offensive part of the Roman Catholic Oath, was heartily abused by the Irish Tories, and by Mr. WHALLEY (amid a) and strongly supported by Smm Geonce Grey for the Govern- ment. It was reada Time by 190 to 134, but the Newdegateers announced that it was to be attacked again, in force. The fewer oaths the better. They are notoriously useful in Courts of Justice, for there are thousands of people who will lie inthe most hideous manner, but will not swear to a lie. But we imagine that in a few years a simple declaration will be all that is required from those whom rd Queen or their countrymen have thought of trust. worth ith a ys be es aes hewn yr meen y are to pay mce, an en are pay an Income-Tax of Two Shillings a-year. But there is to be no ens ap ae ay the police are to shoot all defaulters. We wonder that the same simple course is not adopted in regard to our own Income-Tax. Thursday. Above hath been described the principal sport of the night. The valuable Partnership Bill went through Committee. It does not apply to ers in a round game, who are still at liberty, especially if engaged couples, to cheat in the awful manner which gives so much annoyance to screws and old maids, Friday. Me. Dansy Grirrtru (ha! ha!) wishes us to interfere with the United States Government in behalf

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Mar 27, 1865.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 211 of the Southern leaders. Lorp Patmerston replied that he had no intention of attempting any interference with the internal affairs of the States. fore any American indulges in an inclination to do more than smile at the incident, he will do well to ascertain who Mr. Dany GrirritH is, and then will do a great deal more than smile: in fact will laugh some. ; ; A majority of 146 to 143 carried a motion made by Mz. Denman that those Martyrs the Attorneys ought not to pay a certificate duty. This duty is £9 in town, £6 in the country. Mr. Giapstonz hinted that the sudden affection for attorneys showed that a general election was near. But we have heard that a certain item which is added to fet it is a fine or a wet afternoon, and that Punch was capital yes- erday f On a vote for the Foreign Office, we had the Parliamen' Pav. Brprorp and Toots both “ on” together, and the laughter was doubled. Mr. Dansy Guirritu affected to argue that we did not want a Foreign Office as we never interfered with foreign affairs; and Mz. WHALLEY, as a Protestant, contended that Protestant principles required the poctection of that department. The Committee made odd noises at the onourable eomedians, and Mr. Wnatizy got another innings later, when, trying 10 speak on the Catholic Oath, he was desired to “ sing,” at lawyers’ bills, and which runs thus, ** Letters, Messages, Postages, and Sundries,” is thought to deprive the tax of oppressive incidence, and to distribute it mildly over the clients. And, again, what is £9 to a gentleman who can charge you six-and-eightpence every time he tells you} pl furiously, “ Bulwark which he expressed much i ation. It was sought to push on ‘insult to Catholics,” were among the rang changes Why should he not sing, if he can? e Oaths Bil, but its opponents resisted of divisions, the debate was adjourned. Constitution,” “unpopularity at elections,” and , themes on which the speakers until half-past one on Saturday morning. But it is after a co of the set easant weather for a stroll home in the quiet hour, sec sine fumo. 4 y, Wy \\. Z y ty Pa ZZ: PLL LEE TRICKS UPON TRAVELLERS. Town Boy (to Country Acquainiance). “Wo arr Tory! Way, CUSTOMERS 48 aD THEIR "EADS BRUSHED OFF BY MACHINERY, ’COS THEY WOULDN'T ’OLD ’EM STILL WHILE THEY WAS A BEIN’ SHAMPOOED |” ' WHAT’S THE CUE? Mr. E. T. Smrrn has been getting up Guy Mannering at Astley’s, and we believe that the charming music is well executed. This is a much more creditable course than covering the hoards of London with vulgar pictures, and inviting all the cads and caddesses to Fe and gaze on a coarse woman, slightly clad, sprawling on her back on the back of a horse. We wish success to his operatic experiment. But one singular fact sets us a-thinking. It is announced that among the intro- duced songs, “ My Pretty Jane” is sung by—guess? You hardly wi Mannering/! Yes. The stern and dominant soldier, at whose frown his female relative trembles, and whose mood is so gloomy that he rarely smiles, this terrible warrior, represented by Mr. Vernon Ricsy, sings—very well, we are informed—this soft and sentimental ditty. What “ cue” can bring it in with pro- bability? After much cogitation we have come to the conclusion that this must be es _— onel Mannering. Returned from India to my native soil of Scotia, 1 adopt her splendid garb. But imposing as is this tartan, awe-inspiring as are these plumes, the y will. By|- iey breezes of the Grampians strike chill to my nether limbs, aud make me sigh for the pretty jean trousers I wore in the East. Yes, I miss my pretty jean. (Sings) “ MU; Pretty Jane,” &c. , ~ 4 LAYS OF LOVE UNDER DIFFICULTIES. Aticta, step into my trim-built boat 1’li rew yon gently down the weedy stream, d as upon the river’s breast we fi I'll sing you what I know of “‘ Love’s Young Dream.” One day | hope to claim her for my bride— This line you ’|l understand is said “ aside.” Sit in the bows—i think I mean the stem— The place where watermen the rudder rig ; terms I’ve ever failed to learn, And know no more of boating than a pig. No, Axics, *twas a joke—there, take your place: You see I row with elegance and grace. How charming ’tis with you to be alone! (My face the noonday’s sun begins to griddle,) And from those lips that sweet, endearing tone. (I wish somehow she ’d sit more in the middle.) When first we met (I must take off my jacket ; Note: for asides, henceforth, I’ll use the bracket.) “ When first we met ?” I recollect the ball! How jealous of young Syooxs I was that night! Pull your left string—and finding after all That you had only thought of—pull your right ! Only of me! Then when we sat together— (She is correct in saying I can’t feather.) * Did I mean all I said upon the stair ?” Autcra ! all!—your left again—and more ; I would have said—(these sculls are not a pair)— My dearest—Left ! just as you did before. You are a prize! My prize! Ah, shall I win it! (She is becoming heavier each minute.) You ask me to “row on ”—with all my heart. (Ahem! to that I couldn’t take my oath.) But mayn’t I sit with you ?—I say, don’t start— (Hang it! I thought she had upset us both.) We won’t turn back : it is so nice.to scull. (This 2é¢e-a-téte’s beginning to be dull.) Don’t think I’m talking foolishly, I pray. Oh, yes, I see the barges and their crews : Ab, careless rovers, singing on their way ! (But what low langu e these gay bargemen use !) You turn away your aaah, may I hope ? All’s over—ah! it is the bargee’s rope ! **?Twas all my fault?” No, that is hardly so. (How cold it is!) The boat was very crank. If you could steer as well as I can row, e shouldn’t now be dripping on the bank. Moral—deduced while scraping off the slime— ou can’t make love and row at the same time.) Appress TO THE Erectors of WestmiNsTER.—More grist to the Mirt.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Mar 27, 1865, FIFI ZL Y / V , UW GYLIZ ——— J —S TS “a “TRYING IT ON.” Old Lady. “Bap Sartinc, InDEED! Way I TOOK IT FROM ONE OF YOUR OWN Men.” Conductor (soothingly). “Don’t DOUBT YOUR WORD, Mom, For I KNows THE SHILLIN’ WELL; BUT I can’? TAKE IT!” bin Wik « adh a ‘ i UNION CHARGEABILITY. Song of the Country Ckentleman. Tune—“ Sir Roger de Coverley.” Tuts new Bill’s a bore, Rating land’s gentility, To make us maintain our own poor In spite of our hostility. The burden we used to evade With comfortable facility ; But the money will have to be paid, Through Union Chargeability. Well we worked the clown, In his days of juvenility, When his hair was black or brown, We taxed his strength and agility. To his parish we sent him away, In indigence and senility, For his keep not forced to pay By Union Chargeability. We used the labouring man . :While he had any utility, Any other plan Accounting puerility. Do and don’t be done ; Scruple is imbecility : But a due very hard to shun Will be Union Chargeability. Which way now to turn. Will pose our versatility, Though wed gladly learn, With studious docility. But we shall be forced to bear, In meekness and humility, Our just and proper share Of Union Chargeability. Unless we can reduce __ This measure to futility, Regardless of abuse, And satire, and scurrility ; Unmindful of contempt Expressed with incivility : And contrive to remain exempt From Union Chargeability. THE NEW LANDED INTEREST. Extottme the mighty works of Commerce, the Morning Post indites the following reflection :— ' “* How many of the ancient parks and baronial halls have passed from their old and much encumbered proprietors into the hands of cotton-spi cotton-brokers, brewers, ironmasters, and engineers, overflowing with ready cash, and boasting gigantic balances at their bankers!” Yes ; and see what a vast improvement has taken place of late years in the character of the landed interest. How much more generous and liberal the new English country gentlemen are than the old English country gentlemen were! Consider in how great a degree, for instance, the modern landlords, the successful speculators and manufacturers by whom the ancient gentry have been happily bought out, have practically. as well as legally, relaxed the Game Laws, which no doubt they will shortly simplify by declaring all am property ; in fact, doing away with the distinction between wild and tame creatures altogether. The law of trespass also; how leniently that is enforced by them! Even where the commons, open from time immemorial till lately, have been enclosed, you can go anywhere and do anything so long as you keep in the public highways, and don’t go aside into the fields to gather «AW UOL -ALITIGVADUVHO NOIND IOQnrrTH waTO mushrooms or pick flowers. Hurrah for the New Landed Interest ! «NMOL OL DIIW WOOL YON UALLAIA AA LI ‘HOVAUUTAC SATIN) Ug iLVHL dH LNVO,, » ON warwTaAanawrr rmrea«dwacmaacsace T~rry ll

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—May 27, 1865. = NN Wr IMI peepee Aa / VWV ALS ine, OM) Wt ATA 4L-- ANA App NA, a oY ANE Opps WA Q YyMWMA44 al W114 pO “OUT OF THE PARISH.” Srr Gmzs Overreacn. “ NOW, THEN, MY MAN! YOUR WORK’S DONE, SO BE OFF OUT OF THIS PARISH.” AcricuttuRaL Laznourrr. “AH! SIR GILES! IT BE BETTER NOR FOUR MILE TO T TOWN.” Sin Gres Overneacu. “CAN'T HELP THAT! NO ‘UNION CHARGEABILITY’ FOR ME.”

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| Mar 27, 1865.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. oe 215 HANDBOOK TO THE ACADEMY DINNER. Mr. Puncu observed with extreme poet the a © to whose very ave article on t. 34 ie the Academ — = ee usually know and care ‘ion about more or less great emer etal Oma ad Hat Pept sex ng Ba to say nothing on the aff said —_ and said it humanity has caused For as the Beadle p gion, so does a love of Art, pre and clear the mind for the reception of the highest lessons. Contractor. , the toast with which you have) honoured me is happily an easy one, for the connection between = Ss Nect at unt is + oy penny =: np quotes. What, Sir, im: e 0) of a railway. Todo away wii scenes within the easy reach of all. railway itself with your own. y links . eal with life; when said, that the living and the 4 Rich Butcher. Mx. Prestpent, I could not fail to expect the honour of being called on, for the fortunes of your vocation and mine What, Sir, would be thought of your pictures, _ would be thought of my legs of mutton, if both Agent. I rise, Sir, with gratitude, but without sur- to reply to a toast so eloquently that my occupation and that of the painter have a common bond. en I am at my work, and when he is at his, both e depend upon a single ci were not well h An Electi =. ioneering prise, for unworthy as I may be to proposed, I feel dee are our om. 4 is The gonnection bobween Dep think that business faithfully to artist who has execu’ joule erates in your art. Talad, Si, 4 Member and also the spationen ue 4 Master of Hi same scent here, Sir CHARLE: thing which you thi Erected suet b hy friend P. paid gives its fests to Pll a atl but ve, legs in answer to peeing is the But the oon is all on one side, their own trades and calling and lamentably clumsy is, generally, the puction. a pectacl theme, especially as the J Spectator had But his never-slumbering instinct of him to consider whether he -. nothing te alleviate "the woe occasioned by Acade he can do or He has Orators—a set of a. persons who get asked to A Beadle. ag le yg I dothink that there is peculiar Sinem the toast of the Beadles of d a set of drwy = he commends to the study of and clears the way nm the minister of hich mores, nec sinit esse d And what but “oe is the the landscape mpd vere body you choose, only mind that he is a " Eminent’ Surgeon. Sm CHanuss ay ens on which | ormin: an operation, | with death. ‘hed Snaxsraseiieal are but as Pictures. at first sight it may not be obvious what uty Lieutenants and Painting, one will cast his eye on yonder brilliant on Bod ths ess of this toast. It is a Deputy Ad t the Lord Lieutenant, and the yonder picture of Lorp Wonexouss, has represented the Lord Lieutenant. with equal who goes tip in Balloons, Really, Sm CHaRies, Le ‘am not) ,“‘ His ° Ma, habit a but on this occasion can feel no diffi linked with an important feature to aérial perspective. oP Mr. Presipent, I must approach my hen with a “‘ _—— Miller.” We used to be asked in childhood | P ha Trttan’s fat daughter lik that it was because she was called the Great Pouiy Trrraw. Sir, ie am a humble Politician, but I can admire the painter I have named, en I see around me, who emulate his &c. &c. Garter. Sir, the connection between Painting and its of the Garter is too obvious for comment. It must give any ess to receive a noble Order, and I dare say that my pleasure in my installation does not exceed that of any artist here, when a dealer calls him and commissions him to execute a work. ue ing. Sir, it - us much pleasure to unbend for a moment of iness, and to ur place to Gora that there is on vdhoey of artists is exactly alike. by owe everythi we could be no Fine, You on coul Pirr, and we were ainted at your festal board. I ion of ourselves and g tooil. Without oil, Tallyho, hoicks harkaway ! ! We are all on the he one thing which I think of, we is the Brush. Tallyho, hoicks, one A Rich Pork-butcher. Sir, the connection ree Sad Geinting may not ef once oovar to yor. But that T acquired my art late in life, that at fifty I i not know wht a big Meant, your p. (roars of There are a dozen Starts for the guests of the Academy. He Mr. Punch has taken care not to run the risk of want A ipomenoon, 3 any of them above the standard of Academic wit. laughter, and you need not finish). next year, who may want himself fitted, has but to address a t. fans, 2 and he shall apne by the |p aecP rnin resolve envelo and a ing ar hs ora note to receive a ts) for his the usual great folks. MR. HENLEY ON HIS BACK. | ae ectteuents nO, Simo worn out, ft ald do ag Fw ve Report i Se said, “* “Gib: I am, and % s are made, I when lie on my back and hallo * Fudge !” as loud asd could.” Vide Reportiof Debate on theinion Changeability Bill.) Says Orator Hewtey, as Tam ol Canid scanned 0 T woud eo tack, A ‘oO on. arene ap rw « Budge.” &nd to Smion’s ba te sin bee Ramen “Po | tte = ele Sadi rer * 4 — Panperism out, Pei Fudge pe Pauperis phen nae and ’s “‘ Fudge” i on honour throw doubt, “aad from Hg to wrong build a bridge over : “Fudge” o- Kuve CANUTE can stay the courtiers’ ‘The tide: rising farious and ‘When Damm: Parrmerton’s “ Fudge” _ ae tales her broom’s vain essay, And vestraina the advancing Atlantic Fudge” keeps thea avalanche back, ‘When the traveller's “ "That. the sound of the word has set fi Fudge” candies from its track a dag tek a ale ol ‘When the vine-dresser’s When 's “ ” out of filth and foul ai me a — and foul air Waa tener mae er Or Atheism’s “ Fudge” wipe out West in Here's * Fu Mz. Puycu BEER AT THE OPERA. a crushing reply To the statements that fill see eet song oa Proof, the labourer’s cot is not too oft a stye : And the Registrar’s file not a 30 What do I see in a notice of an reference Opera in the: Morning Post with to RIGNOLI, and another eminent Italian singer at Covent Garden ?— yppari tutt’ amor’ was encored ; 80 too was the famous ‘ Beer Song, given with the utmost jollity by a ate This at the Italian A agg vulgar Beer. that “h orrid song called Beer, occasio: ublic-house, with that coarse burden invo on the Government new tenor, SIGNOR ! What next? Tee Bee's Is ron Pca Sone poe a dreadful imprecation in the event of their ever attempting— “To rob a poor man of his beer?” Beer! kia genes no olher. Oper the the a had age ~e _ Ay we sphere of otto-of-roses er phe mg San every I: assure you the announcement eee was the aie atmo- y would have Neg oy Song as not only sung, but “ given vith the utmost jollity” by Siewor Graziani, has almost iho death of by ” Brummel’s Place, May 1865. Aw O1p Danpy. P.S. Beer! An Italian song of Beer! With accompaniments on the Barrel Organ? Oh! OPOPONAX EXPLAINED. Or late much advertised, a word Folk’s curiosity now racks, Name of a drug—it seems absurd— The word O Behold at length the seeret found ; ae el yy coe us expound : Pg rn

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eine DON CHARIVARI. [Max 97, 1865, A FORTIORI. Lizzie, “I want somz Torrzs.” Mamma, “ Correz—not TorrgkE! Torry’s MADE oF SucarR—anD BurTrer— anp TREACLE—anD ——.” Tieie, “ Tazn, I’LL BAVE somME!” THE SIMPLE STORY OF SIMPLE SIMON. THE LAST NEW EDITION, $ (Being the history of a certain Blue Book of ome Jom Simon’s, and a certain speech of one Orator HENuxy’s.) Sumete Sm1on laid a crime on ; — aa back => mine : A mmPte Srmon, “‘ me men Are worse lodged than swine Says Hewzer, “Fie, man!” to Suwetz Smo, * Your facts ain’t worth a penny.” Says Sumpie Suon, “ Don’t say my, MAN ; They ’re your facts, and too many.” Smoetz Smon wrote reports Of damning truths chock-full : All the answer that he got Was “ Stories cock-and-bull !”” Smrpie Sm1on tried to have Nuisance-statutes mended : He got extremely well abused, And not so well defended. He called the ger to do their part, And thought he could not fail Because he showed a state of things That turns one sick and pale, Then Sneptz Smaow went a-hunting, Remedies to find : ; Showed how law when not blind was lame, And when not lame was blind. Smon piled a heap of facts That shame on us doth call, Under the noses of the Squires, They couldn’t see ’t at all. And Smown he would tell the truth Though it hit England hard ; e was ab’ up hill and down, And that was his reward ! THE Horsna Szason.—An advertisement states that “A Fine Brewery Plant is to be sold.” This by right should be the production of a Hop Garden. THE MODERN ART OF ILLUMINATION. Mr, Poncn, ei Tue other day I was pleased to observe the following admo- nition on a card fixed up inside an omnibus :— “Bu of the manufacturer, where 11b. can be had at the whole- ats ae Coe ’ This is the sort of interesting precept which you read everywhere in all frequented places—in the streets, at the stations, in the public con- veyances. Somewhat varying the remark which Banguo, on his arrival with Duncan at Macheth’s « makes about the “temple-haunting martlet,” a misanthrope might inclined to say, with respect to London and most other large towns in England :— “ That bubble-monger, The ad’ tradesman, doth ny a By his bold ery that humbug’s dodge Tells doingly here; no scaffold, shed, or hoarding, Dead wall, or scope of frontage, but this quack Hath spread his giant ts and staring posters. Where they most flaunt and flare, These sheeread The vulgar congregate. On every place available for a notice, whereon your forefathers would have inscribed “ Tempus fugit,” or “‘ Memento mori,” or somethin equally doleful, we now encounter such pleasant intimations as “Tea Tea!! Tea!!!” oran ble exhortation, for example, to “ Furnish our House with the Best Articles,” to rush or run to So-and-So’s épét or Emporium, or go and see or hear this, that, or the other drama of thrilling interest le, actor, singer, or mountebank. Sir, I am convinced that if Westminster Abbey, St. Paul’s, and your other Cathedrals were left open to the public, without any vergers and clerks to prevent bill-stickers from enbellia hing them, you would very soon have their sacred walls, instead of being lettered with dismal “ Scrolls that teach thee to live and die,” gaily illuminated with all manner of lively legends, constituting so many exhilarating Puffs that pray thee to go and buy. The groinings of all the roofs, and spandrils of the arches, would be filled with placards _— printed in colours, and columns and shafts of nave, Aang and chancel would be labelled as though representing trousers, with “ Sydenham, 17s. 6d.” What a pleasing spectacle to ANnGLO-BaRNUM. VERY LIKE A—SPIDER. Lirrtz Miss Murret, who sat on a tuffet, and was alarmed by a big spider that sat down beside her, would certainly have been frightened out of four of her five senses, had she been present at the scene which is thus thrillingly described :— “‘SoMETHING LIKE a Sprper.—A sudden panic fell upon the worshippers on Easter Sunday in a large church at Lisbon. An enormous spider was suddenly seen pa an ancient web that is said to have existed for many years. to descend The creature was so formidable that the women began to scream, and a scene of terror and excitement followed. to be, When Arachne was captured she was ft with legs extended, nearly five feet long. She weighed six pounds. A spider five feet long and weighing full six pounds would certainly appear a rather formiddal ble insect, and would affright a congregation more even than a wasp. But do spiders of such magnitude exist out of Brobdingnag? Every now and then, when there is a of news, we meet with a description of some gigantic berry, of weight and girth sufficient to make a pudding big enough to satisfy a school-boy, which is saying a good deal. Perhaps upon the trees (one could call them bushes) where these goose’ are grown we might suc in catching a spider of the magnitude and weight above described. Perhaps, however, if we did so, like the Tartar in the story, the spider -~ oo ela and what a paragraph would then be furnished for our ends !

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‘THE AIR AND EXERCISE BILL. attention for a few moments. I wish to see the above- Billi il introduced to the notice of the House. I will tell you a at the 8, your 9 of hn ani plain aii r . 0 ne es ie ptic con’ van and Droge uo mee oar (the C th by eakine ak ~ and a “You | a ” said the ate and “take a good ride ride, eh?” said te itating from various need not be mentioned “Yes,” said he, “ deci- ag added that there was cikion. _ it; and I have since ape gem that he was noo yd right an animal exactly suited to a gen nae ach ny ee we powers (limited), are many secret Mpg Re whom, under s oe Merge got the very A tls igh = te om P rape, ” said my professi “but she’s been recommended to me as a clever ’ack.” what sounds well,” og cbaerved, and I really thought it did. The precise idea con mind by the word “ clever,” ly describe. bes did not wish to exhibit more ms of the subject than was absolutely necessary, and so as long as I was certain that “clever” did not mean waltzing on his hind legs to fo" — ii nie fa re’ cop A tune from the Bronze Horse, lying down at a a signal, or as supper with the Clown, I determined to ae said, for I ll come round to your place, and see the cnimal,” me not recollect whether my professional had called it a he ad ashe, and in uncertain cases I prefer use of the above gene- g term. B The *ack,” ~ my professional, “is standin’ at your door,” This was a start “Oh!” said I, dubiously. I had not the moral courage to sa; I was too busy to Sy) her (Gr him) that morning, lest my adviser bes despise me as a coward. we went to the front door, where a groom or stable-keeper, or a somebody horsey,” with gaiters on, was holding a horse. * She? sa pla oe — sort of animal,” was my adviser’s remark. * Yes,” oe as if I didn’t altogether agree with him on an fla pont, thous oT fough I hadn’t the slightest notion of what he hink #zow that he didn’t know himself, and * Yes,” said I, feeling myself called upon to say something. * She’s retty colour.” was a, pretty colour, that’s certain; but what that colour was, is uncertain: it was neither black, nor white, nor black-and-white, nor , nor oe nor roan, nor cream, nor ey It might have ‘been ; but I’m not quite clear as to what “ bay’ ¢ Xi "ll od pr, my leg over her, and then —. can see her paces,” by ey Ron eee leg over her in a second, and was master of her before she knew sere she was. She was as quiet as a lamb, finding that the Centaur on her back wouldn’t stand any nonsense. “ What do you think of her?” [asked the groom. This was cun- ning on my part, as I thought he ’d be inclined to speak the truth when master was out of the way. “ She’s : gentleman’s ’oss, every'inch of her,” says the groom, mye tt I thi Ib but ped, not ha ttled what Yes, —’ e ut sto , not having se Ww I did think. “— ° “Yes, Sir, she is that,” said the ry as though I had uttered — J gantry a. I felt that 1 was in the hands of the poms his master. They were, for the time being, my superiors ; for know- ay is power, specially knowledge of horses as opposed to ignorance conce! those animals. “You'll like to throw your leg over her, won’t you, Sir?” inquires my adviser, ae ry I did not lize, and he knew it. But I wouldn’t refuse. She certainly’ was a clever ’ack ; I became more and more convinced of it every moment. First of all she was a enough to discover that she was no longer ridden by a Centaur, and taking advantage of this, wouldn’t stand still to let the stirrups be properly adjusted. The con- uence was that they never were proper! adjusted. Nor the reins er; for a more perplexin, complication I never encountered. On one sep I was Jat the curb, on the other at the snaffle. On| as being remonstrated with by the groom, I pretended that I knew all about it, and that that was my peculiar way of riding. I told the groom as haughtily as I could, and in a much louder tone thei I a in consequence of my t steed bearing me away, “To call agai an hour.” Qh! that hour! Shall I ever forget it? Never! And vd that clever ’ack ! I ever forget her! Never, never, aera never ! On my return, for the clever ’ack kindly consented to bring me home again, being sufficiently clever to recollect the road and turn all the nti? mar 2b cee t Se Co ene ; to bring the matter,in a Bill aaribinal ae tie Majesty’s Eques-_ Government shall at once suppress— ro = alle vane wie See. itates All Lidle Kore eith-bores — And on second thoughts without hoops; say all little street-boys steamers passing under bridges when you’re riding. All rail bridges in the outskirts of the Metropolis. Albadevarts *re riding 8 carts, Fra ed gn ai om tourer builds House, a or in or throwing planks about, to stop w pliers o caamat| "Tet al dogs be suppressed. no one shall come out of a house suddenly, or slam the déor, while an ciel dow to whip, or make noises @& his a That no horee, ‘VAMMEpS Serecetdiag is yanciar Adieu, Sir, Let this be attended to at onee, and again, Sir, adiew. TWO CONSTABLES. Tux elegant London Correspondent of our excellent but friend shat |" the Bristol Times and Mirror remarks as follo weth :— 7 “ Gallant old Str Jonw Fox enn ot ee received coma song seas. He has been 0 rm, a ee invested, the with h military noble old soldier much m ceremony. bas been serving ws waco 1738, and never better then win he wast aan ee aie comnes and courteous Fe reward as Lieutenant-General. T may add, that a more does not exist, and all his ds rejoice in which, or rather its equivalent, should have been his ye: Lely gr, By wield the baton ofthe Tower of London, , & staff long grasped by his reat Duke.” In the spirit of this paragraph, Mr. Punch needs not to say that he heartily concurs. But the writer appears to have been under the im- pression that the grati of Brrrannia to the tthe veteran who has served her so long and so well had descended to the common-place level of pecuniary reward. Mr. Punch noticed that some of the London journals stated that a splendid addition was made to the t soldier’ income. Brrrawnta has done nothing of the kind. Joux Bus- GoYNE merely receives what is, doubtless, a gratifying compliment, Barranni is just as much obliged to him as she was before, or rather a little more, because he has something to do ss Constable of the Tower. But one who served in Egypt and at through St Scinaan, mu manzged the Pabio Works te Irclont aspect al he ub orks in General of the Forces ~ Fortifications, utenant- reduced Seesiool, and sa D.C of Oxford, is not the man $ tans account of a trifling increase of duty. He and Pam, Constable oubg Dover, are the two t and most vigorous members of the we hereby drink to the health and long life of the Two Constables’ i in what our American friends an ice tod. OPERATIC. What has become of Atsont? io 2 en Oe been put have answe *T don’t me thereby exhi culpable ignorance. It'is with fSaforn of the deepest regret oan as can Sota ee. E tin oun of eae of Luecrezia Borgia, wherein it was the Brindisi was encored, “ an encore,” | it Pinel, * first her the memorable execution of a Oh no, Sir, don’t say so. Did the sweet Contralto turn a pecan or mix herself up with the Poles or the Merovingians, or am people who are always making disturbances somewhere ler execu- tion! Ah! these tears! I can write no more. “No, No, No, No,” she used to sing in Les Huguenots, “ No, No, No, No,” T don’t new any more, A Consideration for the War Office. NorwitTHstanpine the pats pam of turning muzzle-loaders into breech-loaders, there sad delay in the conversion of Enfield rifles. ee ee whieh might afford a sphere of some usefulness to Missionaries ?

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ie Skits Ser od a oe PRE TS ot els a ee ‘ S., oak 3 a Ks OR THE LONDON RATIONALISM. “Now, rou Orp Drak, 18s THAT THE WAY YOU WOULD LIKE US TO WEAR OUR SASHES!” AN ARABIAN NIGHT'S ENTERTAINMENT. My pear Epicurus, . Drip you see that exciting bill of fare, particularising the supper given to NaPoLeon atthe Mustapha Palace in Algiers? No?— then read, mark, , and ideally ruminate and digest it :— “* Soup of the tortoise of the Bondouaou, a gh | e garnished with antel rs quarters of the Ouargian gazelle, and | of young wild boars from the Oued Hullouf. 2ntrées—salmis of Carth m hens, antelope cutlets, and bustards Roasts—an ostrich from the Oglat Nadja, and hams of the wild boar. Side dishee—sciquiams of the Hammah, ostrich eggs in the shell, jelly of pomegranates from the Staoueli, Arabian pastry, ouidas, macroudes, scerak- boracs, and oribias.” Ericunvs, I don’t know how to spell the words that would best express the feelings which I experienced in perusing the foregoing catalogue of delicacies. Try and suck up an imaginary spoonful of the most exquisite turtle soup: the noise of inarticulate rapture which you will make in so doing is what I would write, but cannot compass its orthography. Phthrrrup! No, the attempt is a failure. Think, Ericurnus, what I would pen. There was a good old woman who derived uns the mere names of Phrygia and Pamphylia. SodoI from Bondouaon, and Ouargian, and Oued Hullouf. e soup of the tortoise of the Bondouaou must be something superb ; the Ouargian gazelle is surely a love, or so to speak, not minding the solecism, a duck ; a creature far dearer than any animal of its kind that any a ever nursed to glad him with its dark fond eye. How soft and tender the loins of young wild boars from the Ou ullouf may be inferred to be from the euphonious name of their native place! Salmis of Sanagin hens is doubtless a repast that might have regaled Hannraat, if he lived like a fightin cock as he was; notwithstanding the objection that the fighting — HANNIBAL, he dined upon hens, would have fed like a cannibal. Antelope cutlets!—why they ht prevent an elopement by the counter attraction which they w _exercise—in my case at least. Bustards from the Chotts!—one fancies tha 1 t one could eat them till one burst, if one had not learned to govern one’s animal nature, and hold it in subjection. I wonder how much you and I should leave of able comfort from an ostrich from the Oglat Nadja. vor. little, perhaps, even with hams of the wild boar to follow—picces likely to be irre- sistible indeed. : Bat the dish that tickles the palate of my fancy above every other is that of the Sciquiams of the Hamm iquiams! The sound of the word has a strange affinity with that of requiem, but with a difference of consonants, suggesting succulence. sciquiams I imagine { should enjoy a profound tranquillity together with a fine flavour; I conceive that sciquiams would exert a soot ect on the system, induce a sense of repose of mind and body, and marvellously comfort ™, Gonaives organs. i how great and good they must be! Jelly of pomegranates from the Staoueli—sweets from the sweet, no doubt. Arabian ong! of course |: included some of that cream-tart so delicious to read o i From the delicacies that concluded the re in the Arabiax Nights. Palace, I surmise the Empzror must have “ at the Mustapha ui macroudes, scerakboracs, and oribias, I take to be insect robably of the locust tribe, unless scerakboracs are a sort of spiders ; |‘ or, a8 you know, ‘spiders are esculent, as proved in the case of the young lady who used to eat them spread upon bread, like raspberry jam. But enough—would it were as good as a feast. From your The Grubbery, May, 1865. Aricrus. Herbivorous Ogres. Tue Teetotaller who is also a vegetarian may be accused of canni- balism. A plant drinks nothing but water; and the votary of total ): abstinence from fermented liquor and animal food, when he eats vege- | tables, devours his own species. 7 8 u.—F Parliamentary return it ‘ACTS OF SPIRITUALIS rom a tary ne | that a very large amount of duty was paid in 1863 and Home-made Spirits. Hence it appears that spirits, though Hi made, are not therefore necessarily all humbug. possible that ostrich eggs in the shell beat plovers’? If they do, |: t hed a fearful joy.’ |. 8 Peraitetare, Cty f of at theirOffice in Lomoard Street, in the of Loudon.—Sarvapar, May 27, 1965. , of No. 13, U: Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. im the County of Middlesex, Printers, at thet rd Precinet of Whitefriare, City of London. and Published by them wt No. 95, Fleet Frederick Mullett Evans, of No, 11, Bouverie in the Preeinet of i? st Btreat, In the Parish ef St Bnas, chy

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cate tet PUNCH, OR THE “LONDON: CHARIVART “Shim 3, 1865) PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. : fined. hitns absurdi But he made & Wiexaa of Bt of ek which the Star jt ? ing some care to be taken aaa most serious and i charge” ead Me ’ for the health of the | Wacnex has, in p bed Mz. foe conduct workers in be serge a ines broke own that ‘he. spoke ' if he the * ‘rumour ” on which a ember of = SAY hen turn. start, but he will do the trick yet. Of of gage spoke, was that a clergyman of the Establish- ovnaiiens is ab bused that men ean an institution phony obtain art benefit of a 6 aily pice that ref within does not come out of the Stable, LORD rby expressed ~ _ ae vont of EE. tng Alka Alkali absurd at put put the th tithout regard to | however, é hoses of their neigh- vill not be of Coteus Dawexrns; It seenied to have been resolved that this officer should retire. The reason, so far as wé ¢ temper, or manner, was met eesin to certain other offi desire to be commanded wo courts of ind! which Courts, and the one e ee that they Wo with the views of the Horse Guards, several things ate said result is that Corona DAWKINS has beeti crushed. One >} epaiast ) uh c soars of Stay, 8 9. teats CoLonkL ve Barus, protested, in a gallant and maiily Way, is getting pop bloured Gut to him to be injustice. 2 The Parliamentary Colonels, as usti cranes 18 Fy ani tive ¢ Pyal 7. of expression of gaseous joy. the Ficees should be appgeled toon a , alliteny subject, 4 the G the same view. Punch has the pleasure of be ior cng o with he Lokda iia not i because i it was Holy Theie yaad thelr Hl z. Barent that the House of Commons is the final court f any there are Bishops in ¢ pier subject of the Quenn. Mx. Grurrirs did his work i sil too. ong, who are not ‘ob Ring a "hited the —_s but it had not been expected, and many Members haa Te but, 112 vaeah oe ‘eras athe Partnership Bill, one him on the potion, har for papers, “cue ainst 172. Later in the ek the Gah aid then is thro =" Cin. came tp Agait, cage ag pF aoe pray aving hed time to get w wb ie P, aot ats pagal ab ho will gave an exp. ion which showed that CoronzL Dawkins’s unpo unnatural or undeserved, but which otherwise left the grievance poptla whens it aac! y pan Ofer cellos rel Md issues, which pei every one of “J more than any other conceivable subject “geht be nientioned in rational society. Who cares honk the Currency? There was ten thousand times more exciteiient at the news that at 414 this day The Duke was scratched. Beside the effect on betting mien; this event has taken the sentimental feature out ofthe Derby. It no longer includes an equestrian struggle, which had a The last Ohslanght—or rather the last, but one—was made on the Bi Preventing Exclusion. of Labourers from Parishes, Mn. Knicut, who, according to the infallible Dop, is descended from a considerable ironmaster in the time of CROMWELL, made a proposal for taking about a‘million and three-quarters out of the present fezation f the country, and applying it in aid of the Unions. The suggestion a less of the iron than of the brassmaster. Mz. Vinirers denounced it as bse yg it yin tamed by on povese moore —_ Mr. Shon i: ~ a — negative b e ursday, after a long speech from NLEY, ani that the 3 which, when we name thé makers will at once convince the country ag for litle herulese Sevens somap vane Oa ene that the Bill is a wise one—Ma. Bentinck and Mr. Kwicur protested against it— to A =} baa Sa 1 edt taki ont, He may beat ore fad, this righteous aiid valtiablée measure was read & Third Time and passed. Now for ood Phe will oy: tame victory, for he cannot win the battle the and deciditig heat, three times round the woolsack. of Hastin — ry, Tuesday. Lonp CuEetmsrorpd has the old instincts of the proteenion Y ich he| It is no of weather to. talk of Fire (except the pleasant one followed before he took to the law—no, we are not going to write before he with faces in it, Miss Hexsent’s face included) but it must with a k, because the joke is old, and also slanderous, and most | be said that we are to have a new Brigade, under the con- lawyers is onester men than most men. But he gallantly resolved to try,and | trol of Sta Tuwarres, and not of the Police. It is to be resous Our captives in Abyssinia. Lonp Russext deprecated interference, as ey = that the parties will act harmoniously, p ) papers to be resented by the Dusky Tyrant who sits on the throne of RassEias. ike neo ecessaty at a fire, aid that in case of Sh Big should like to tie him into # chair, and let & mumbling curate are his ehnasbor’s waltes’s vassals will not pumping on the Bobbies, history to him for six weeks. His remains should then be ted to Surgeon’s a will in, that case ce: y deserve their sartorial name Hall, Lorp Russet, however, has sent him a letter from 4 the QueEn, atid | 0! ig i Many new stations are tobe added. In America presents. But Lorn HELMSFORD divided, and there was an odd muddle over the of e@ Firemen are an institution, bo are proud of their engines, adorning them with BGs, i vans bas at last it was settled, and the Sea-Chancellor won by a neck—oné neck. they have an “re Mactrke stated the case of the paper-makers, which is disastrous. a de corps, vote as utianitnous] ye hey pump, ae poud | Betgpenaies, engines and all. The ladies smile on them, abolition of the Paper Duties has not been followed by similar liberality abr it is contended that in these circumstances we ought to impose an export duty 7 gn por he Aen poets at least) make songs in their honour Td C) i Fed mrerth lg late in the ni ight, tnd e say some- @ t eg tern lot of places in the ose cavage pon re dar 0 ta ta w hen he named nglish rags. Mr. Mitner Grsson made the usual Kree © answer, ani more ea one, that some fiations were abelee, - some reducing their duti Ma. Macouire’s motion was defeated by 140 to 9 a Bear Garden may be, we, who do not live in * he Pde of the Virgii Queen, are unable to say, But the word sticks it a mem a bbe a a shah no geri ey expat ple, d they use it Theis Spey wish to say that there is a ctl t Ave, | ourselves ltie Sea, blue eyes When 6 Sercutite mffooh is tov tipsy, or too s roe ige the ee to igh go" ohs became Overpo with an en would be ai j ie Sion more in avcordatice with the ue . out nt. We nae bad manners, of the day. old word Was applied to-day to the somet! to do with elections. O Lf VOL, XLVIII,

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AT REL BILOE 220 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARITVARI. ‘Member for Staffa, for we should have no constituents, and we could sit [June “ 1865. | all day in the cave, and harangue the sad sea waves and listen while the moan. On yonder rock mene our fierce and ap ig form behold. Here in cool grot and mossy cell, the sylphid loves to well, to dwell. i There be none of Beauty’s daughters with a magic like to thee, and as i = ‘heme. ge he U moonlight on the waters is coming to thy house to tea. his Lordship’s mitre never be less, unless it should not fit him, he should wish it taken in. Lorp Patmerstow answered an important question. Corres; g on oa two years between the Government of nl d States and our own Ministers, on the folks were so fond of glorifying, may have involved us in a serious Incoherent! It may be so. Fine spirits are not finely touched Ls abaeeh at ine eemaenations Oe 0 4 Fes peg ge to fine issues, and the refreshment was very fine spirits indeed, ” past. Excuse this tear, and as was written in Punch of old— ** Let ’s now at once throw every care away, In the enjoyment of this Derby Day.” scrape. But at present the controversy proceeds on very friendly and amicable terms. We are also going to ask Mr, Jonnson to assist us in watching the slaveholders on the Cuba coast. A Colonial debate. Estimate debate, and the thermometer warel's Mart Friday. The Bisnor or Lonpow has done brave battle against the | at 80°. Talk of the Church’s yrs, look at the State’s, who are not Gas Men, and the Imperious Company’s Bill was rejected by the Lords. | only roasted, but bored. A BROAD HINT. Cabby (to Miniver, whose Better Half is in Poplin and Tewle’s, shopping). ‘ Barun’ WEaTHEr, atn’t iT, Sin?” Miniver. “ Yaas!” Cabby (encouraged), “Au! a nick Drop o’ ALE THEY SELL AT THE BiuE Post-zs, OVER THE WAY, THERE, Sir, I DON’T MIND FETCHIN’ OF IT !” A CAPITAL CONJUROR. A Srurrp person sometimes is said to be “no conjuror,” and in that sense may the rae be applied 10 the two persons who have made themselves notorious as the Brothers AVENPORT. Conjurors to some extent they may admittedly have been; but so stupid were their tricks that such conjurors were more to be regarded as “‘noconjurors.” ‘To get intoa — and untie a bit of rope, and bang a bell about, can hardly be called an entertaining feat of jugglery, nor is it very amusing to see—or rather not to see—a juggler take his coat off while sitting in the dark, and with both hands tied behind him. Billy stupid tricks like these could scarcely be called conjuring; and the persons who performed them, although certainly not spirit-helped, were as certainly “no conjurors.” Fools who went to see the Davenrorts perform their stupid tricks were asinine enough to pay a guinea for a sitting ; but people who are wise enough to wish to see a conjuror who really és a conjuror, need only pay a shilling for the privilege of doing so. Let them go to the Egyptian Hall and ask for Coronzn Sropare, any night at eight o’clock, and if the shilling seats be full, let them pay two shillings more and have a stall to stretch their legs in. The Coronzn very frankly calls self a conjuror, and puts forth no pretence to having spirits for confederates. Yet, to see the tricks he does, one might fancy that a troop of little tricksy spirits were ever at his elbow. Puck and Ariel might certainly assist at his séances, so of entertainment and so ’cute and clever are they. So practised is his hand that you would think he daily does his tricks in private life, and never cuts an ange without age 3 a half-crown in it. When we saw him take a flower-pot and a few handfuls of earth, and then make a plant bloom forth in it, we wished that he would visit our greenhouse now and then, and save us from the trouble of sending for a gardener. “Any ornaments for | your fire-stoves” CotoneL Sropare could supply at half a minute’s notice, and to suit capricious tastes, could change a daisy to a dahlia, or a primrose to a peony, with one wave of his walking-stick. How he coolly kills a woman and restores her to life, we prefer not to tell, because we don’t know how. But clearly there is no mistake about the fact. A real basket is brought in and placed upon a real stool, and then a real woman 18 poppe into the basket, and ere you can = “Police!” the Colonel draws a real sword an stabs the basket through and through, and = see the sword all red and dripping with her blood (which flows, we understand, straight from the juggler vein), and you hear her scream and shriek, loudly, faintly, and more faintly, till ou seem to see her dead: when, behold the basket empty and the woman all alive, and let us not say kicking, while the audience applaud. A SHORT WAY WITH INCENDIARY BISHOPS. Tat Prince Covza is a sovereign, who, — he reigns in a small way, seems to know what he is about, especially in dealing with troublesome ecclesiastics. According to a tele- gram from Bucharest :— “The Patriarch of Constantinople has dispatched a Bishop to this town to makea d tion that the law of civil marriage, the secularisation of the convent pro- perey, and the institution of a national Roumain Church tely decreed by Parnce Couza, are contrary to the dogmas of the Greek Church, and incur the penalty of excommunication.” Whereupon :— “ Prince Couza ordered the Bishop charged with this mission to be reconducted to the frontier by gendarmes.” This was treating the Right Reverend Emis- sary from the Greek Pope at once with the ceremony due to his sacred office, and the authority affronted by his incendiary mission. Prince Covza put the Right Reverend fire- brand gently out. The New Philosophical Controversy. Prorgssor Sac pz Fornz, of the Westminster Institution, is announced to make a statement shortly on his new system of producing vacancy by pressure, and immediately _— up the same by sun andair. The learned Professor’s expla- nations are looked forward to with much interest, six members of the Institution having expressed their approbation of his plan, while five maintain it to be wholly at variance with recognised law, A Truth for Tea-Drinkers. Commenrcit intelligence from Shanghai lately announced :— ‘* Tea tending downwards.” Do you call that news? Why, of course, whenever anybody drinks tea he experiences its downward tendency.

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CEP CEN, Teed PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 221 CHARLIE OBJECTS TO THE MAJOR AS HIS NEW PAPA, AND CONVINCES HIM OF THE FACT. YY ii Vi @ : ae tye WU | A GOOD WORD FOR A GOOD WORK. In common with other of the first people in the land, Mr. Punch the other day was invited to a Meeting of a Society which ought to be familiar in men’s mouths, and which is called Taz Lapres’ Sanitary AssoctaTIon. Mr. Punch, of course, knows vig we but for the moment he forget what the aim of this Soriete actually was; and he thought per- haps it might be to improve the health of ladies by giving them employ- ment to prevent their brains from addling, or by teaching them to shun tight lacing and thin shoes, hot ball-rooms and late hours, and the hundred other follies that impair their vital energy. A moment after- wards, however, Mr. Punch recalled to mind that the aim of the Society was, by ladies’ work and influence, to promote the health and comfort and well-being of the poor, by making them acquainted with the common laws of health, and helping them to make their homes more happy than they could be if these laws were not observed. This excellent intention the Society effects, among other ways, by these :-— * By col money for Sanitary improvements, such as opening windows curin, smoky chieneye, removing nuisances ; giving soap; and lime for white- wediieg — books, patterns of clothes, scrubbing-brushes, saucepans, and king pes. coo “* By requesting the Medical Officers of Health, and other professional and well- educated gentlemen, to deliver popular free lectures. “ By instituting Mothers’ meetings, and classes of adult girls, and giving them Sanitary and domestic instructi Clubs, Coal Clubs, Baths and Wash- on. “ By forming, or aiding, Penny Clothin houses, here aw reng Anoctiationa’ Cooking Hepote, and Working-Men’s Clubs. ** By esta’ dae ee for motherless babes, which may serve as Schools, for Mothers of all oolmistresses and Nurses.” Plain, practical and sensible are all these helps to health, and the happiness that goes with it. In addition, useful knowledge is pleasantly imparted by short a with expressive titles, as, for instance :— The Worth of Fresh Air, The Power of Soap and Water, The Health of Mothers, and How to Manage a Baby; all which are surely far more rofitable reading than The Maniac Marquis, Agnes and her Agonies, Benjamin the Bloodttained, or the Bloated Burglar ! and the Uke in. structive stories supplied by the eheap Besides this, the ress. iety looks after little ehildren whose cheeks are Of these, thousands upon thousands it takes yearly to the Parks, to stretch their little legs and lungs, and kindly feeds, if yi Aes bh A before it sends them home, Sometimes, even, it is able to a favoured few of them to see—O joy! O rapture !—the lions and the leopards, the “—- and the elephants, and—greater rapture still !— the monkeys at their tricks. How such days of bliss are sighed for, revelled in, and recollected! And what pleasure must one feel in knowing one has helped to give such pleasure to these little ones, whose » Reval are 80 few! Such pleasure may be yours, my boy, or any other man’s, indeed, by simply sending, say, a guinea yearly to these Ladies, who on the day of their Tate meeting had but twelve pounds in hand. Their office may be found at number 14 4 within the Street of Prince, hard by the Square of Cavendish, within the district West ; and, the more money they get from you, the more good they will do. Mr. Punch need not remark how enormous an admirer he is of Lovely Woman; and to his eyes, Lovely Woman is never half so lovely, as when she is employed in doing a good work. To help the poor to health and the happiness sitending &. the most cynical must surely grant is doing a good work; and Mr, Punch is therefore proud to pat these ladies on the back, and is glad to say a good word for the work that they do. Lesson for Confederate Olergymen. By order of Generat Haron, the Officer in command of the Northern forces at Charleston, the Rev. Dz. Mansuatt, Missionary of St. John’s Chapel, has been sent beyond the lines of the army, for- bidden to enter the City of Charleston during ie senna the United States’ troops, and subjected to co: tion of his ‘personal property to the use of the United States’ Government, for refusing to ray for Presipent Awprew Jounson. Aha!, This is the way to teach Southern Clergymen to perform the Christian duty of praying for their enemies, SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. paled through living dungeoned in damp cellars, scant of air and light. | the Ar the end of the run of Comus,"Mz. Water Lacy, who was in at finish, was presented by the Master with Mz. Bavaxiay’s Brush,

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33 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Dear Poncz, growing), hen - aga vo te are to "fave the d ch orn te the Goleramect are =a word from you will o; — = wad are “ the va L of us, hen th cea the but hilst # Love pled exports of weekly * numbers and half-yearly A CIVIL NOTE. Wit you do us a service? you ask Lora (in your next somber, it ont eg eae days boc 008 oon ae their lips, and abbrevi s the tering, and filing. Please ees uieceeme ane the ea 88. at Ore aconable toa Mot one that we shall soon leave off fires. Ww trying to mging for the river. LopER und the heavi ties, to “— Genes rts, ao os geremmeed | fener that the National Shutters should be pak Ba on is consistent with the requirements Service. ‘{ neat oot eS a | last, is it not? On loan from Res LEY, Ci,” wien, to vary it, substitutes “ exigencies” for uirements “Ths 2B always been your admirers, but if you do not think it an office a to your to call in Downing Street, and get this matter settled, I am sure we shall more than ever desire ‘that your may go on inc and your imports of jokes exceed those of any previous year. “Weal be unanimous in wishing you an overflowing exchequer, with us revenue returns a most satisfactory audit ; and that you always carry off a firs iat in the Art t, it is only poor rom to express a hope { it may ak e" your good customs to kee oe your readers im transports, and tha§ you may never be superannuat I have the anon to be, Mr. Punch, Your obedient Servant ts, Ufkes, my ihe au’ wihion urnums are in like hag dentists, ey to chained to the w, and take Minié to volumes to our Colonies A. Sauon OLanK, tah). Avs Have you ever read Hiawatha ? reply). ound Lady ( ‘vans a long t time age ae ea se rns Ae Minne-haha, the attention). I d moe she was A few on, ore Bold Somebody. W —— why would | ns be like a small (says i¢ again). Bold: Some: You ng Lady. Ah yes! Is it a riddle ? | ane whey va. | yeccant ‘av thought oA ee fad 0 din it ob te ready). ¥ don’t Lady of the House (pally) What j is the Bold body (repeating trait, because he ’d be a Misicshew . Ha! Ha! Ha! his boo Enter. Servant. Servant (very distinctly). Dinsermum. CONVERSATION FOR FIVE MINUTES. (BEFORE DINNER.) Bold Somebody (during an awkward silence), Have you—(to Young timidly feeling that something or other depends ing ab one be called upon for a quotation, rr ome aw But ody (leading up to his joke, gently). The name of the heroine laughing water. not liking to commit herse “Tous Some melody (observing that his conversation is attracting general ied by her savage intimates, Minnie. ll, if a cannibal had ya 4 pee Se heroine (every one repeating). If a cannib bad what? sont). He would be like a small por- |, [Curious sensation felt by coorybody. Boxy Somesopy smiles _at| Relief of Guests, Eaxeunt omnes, | ell— over it, and wondering when answer, Mr. Somenopy ? PSALMODY IN PUBLIC Si, a charity school for poor children only, are accustomed to sing the Morning an hear them practise other psalmody. I young nobility and ap | to be performed by thi asa (Zo the Editor of Punch.) I Happen to live near a Sendetionachenh which is, however, Tee this devotional exercise is not practised at —_. and = ee ans of our public schools for the Ss Uh tne pales Laat et ie care notion that the x me a of divine service, oa dren of the superior classes? I only put this SCHOOLS. ny of this institution Re ome and I often “SAVE ME FROM MY FRIENDS.” Ms [see ente Do Porn if you pin. may ‘hese, ylonian wan ms tHE DutcHman I old with Lonp MacavLtaxy— But "from the defemen Of ta hee eee Waa + fold Tall ip tual tn -_ $ Abhor Black white, and velle But preserve me from a friend pleads my cause like WHatiey That monks and nuns are useless drones, Who wax fat on their neighbours, aa of ps wholeso = at p= who la I do be oy sore should naa If here such locusts crawly Should settle down, to raise the frown And prompt the wail of WHatiey, That Puseyism a half-way house Upon the road to Rome is, That f for straightforward Puseyites St. Peter’s bark the home is, I’ve not a doubt, and would lug out Of our Chureh, pulley-hawley, All so arrayed. in masquerade, To make a case for WHALLEY. But if there ’s aught can make me doubt My feelings Anti-P It is the lot as of their rot Such feelings make the staple. On ase when hit by NewMan’s wit, And his hich send peote 8 folly, sa refer? . . with Newman err, Ore or i’ the neht with Waauey ?” As life unites all opposites, As ts for een, TW * This a oft (pays butt — not be causeless wholly ; do An Pagal pote big pe ind sense 1865. QuzRy. Tet teecss

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“Jorn 3, 1866.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Che Prophecy of the Derby. BEING A NEW CHAPTER OF AL KORAN, ENTITLED THE WINNER. REVEALED AT EPSOM, Because that the Great Horse, on whose back sundry and divers had Ieyed to set their gold and their silver, is a horse of the people which is called Freneh, and because, that the people which is called French have in these after times, and through the lips of their Sultan, An Nap, takem amd adopted Au Kordm as their law, saying unto the nations, Behold my guns, therefore it is fated that ye do homage to France. It has been revealed unto me, even the Prorner Puyer, that in compliment and honour to those Frenchmen, and in gracious recognition of their ways, and because they study te imitate the islanders, and read Le Sport, and to the end of drawing eloser the bonds of love and amity between us, I should add another chapter to the revelations of my brother the Propner Mouammen, even as he added unto them an extra chapter in favour of a young lady called Mary, not previously acceptable unto his wife Ayesha, nor subsequently. Thereferg hearken, you whom in the other time I called blokes and bloaters, but now J name believers, because you should believe in your Punch. This is the last ¢hapter or Sura, of Al Koran, which is so called from the Arabian word Karga, to read. How long will ye be the dupes of knaves and tricksters calligg themselves prophets that they may cozen you of your gold and silver, yea and of your nether garments, which ye leave at the house of your mother’s brothey, saying unto him, Give me money that I may pay for a tip. Behold, have I not in nine yegrs heretofore revealed unto you the names of the winners ef the great race, even the Derby, taking but threepence for the same? Then be wise and not feols, for a fool is amiry pond wherein a man may neither drink nor wash. Where will ye, be, O idiots, when ye return to the hareem, and the Lights thereof ask of ye saying, What have you won, and your faces are darkened like blacking-pots, and ye have nought to give unto the hareem save chaff, which nevertheless, shall avail ye not in the day when Fatima desireth the white fishes of Greenwich, or Miriam thirsteth for the iced wine of the Star. Were it not well to havea purse in those days? Hearken, then, unto Punch-Mohammed, for there is none like him. Now the horses and the asses, yea, an exceeding great host, shall gather together for the strife, and there shall be eating and drinking and smiling and swearing, and there shall be wagering of wagers, amd shying of sticks, and the incense of Havannah and of Bristol shall go up like a cloud, sickening the birds of the air, even the pigeons thereof. And there shall come unto the place of battle horses of vast price and costliness, and their names shall be in the mouths of the fools and of the wise. There shall be the horse whose name is the name of him who burned the ships with a burning-glass, and he whose name is that of a cruel tyrant, and he who is called after a book wherewith « mighty scribe did delight your winter festival,fand he who is called after the hopping beast of the far-off lands. Likewise think ye of the flyer on the es ee en ee weapon that slayeth afar off, and of him who in the Latin tongue is called net the chithtond of ta teen aia dae lieth im the East, and of the city whieh has fallen, yea, inte the handg of the And there shall also be pues wi pe even the Scotch river of ships, and swamp, and the brown child of him which the same, and the sweet wind that played in Aurora, and the name of him who also is called a roarer, and who i# not, and hath been called from out of the language of the swift Indian of the West. And ye shall hear of the magistrate of the Land of Flowers, and of him who is the child of Tobias, the scribe, and of him who was the child of Planehé, the scribe, yea the pleasant scribe in the days when there was wit amid the mirth of men. Shall they not speak unto you of the day when the foolish among you held it evil luck to wed, or to de the thing which is new, and of him which poured fire upen your horaemen and upon your feotmen until ye rose and smote down his stronghold, and of him whose name is as it were a church wherein men might sleep: are there net many such in these days of dulness? And ye shall be told of the jester that cometh from the Jordan, and of the river where hath bathed the brave man whose name ia as a living stone among you, and of the half-brother of that river, and of him which hath been long down but may now rise up te the discomfiture of many. Moreover, speech shall be made unto you of the son of the musielan who was skinned alive by the critical god of the day, and of a lord ameng the people—@ lord whoge aire died gloriously for us all after the battle in the stream. And ghali hear ¢vep more, for ye shall listen to the name of him whese dam was first among those who strove for the great race, and who now runneth in the haggy hunting-grounds, and of him whose name belongeth unto the sports of the Pagan arena, when a man was slaughtered for sport, and the voice of the people said Habet, and their turned-up thumbs dismissed his soul to the empty and wandering eis. And they shall gay unto you Farewell, and they shall say unto you Nothing more Then shall ye speak unto me, even Mohammed Pungh, saging who. of all these shall win? And in that day I shall make answer, that the victory goeth unto the swift and strong if he be well guided, and there be no treasom found in his rider. Then ye will say, Behold; we know that, but tell us now. And I will answer again, saying, What should I get by that? And then ye will reply, Art not thou our guide and friend? In that day, O believers, the tears shall spring to mine eyes, even as the water welleth up through the sand from the fountains which are ealled the diamonds of the desert, and through the dust of Epsom in mine eyes the water shall come forth, and I will say unto you, Verily, his eye shineth before you likea star, and his skin gleameth like the gleaming of a mirror, and the number of his legs is as the number of the bed-posts of a bed, and in the twinkling of a bed-post will I reveal him unto you, for his tail hangeth down behind, and behold, in the Turkish language I reply unto you, BAKALLUM. THERE is a pow’r view ay A as you ’ve words well set b; you’ve seen Wicasa's tates bdton move, ose —r — is ALFRED. There is a rw sway is famed Above that in the 5 Fay Which “ hy of Love,” At least *twas on it, “ What wraighe, = i. “aa say you to me: ester, dif = ws the clown or hirh born dame ae pair- -horse ette wns.” You ask its name? he Derby Horseshoe Magnet. by this pow’r, all sorts of chaps it horses, ass, or mules ’ And oe ay CHANCELLOR A eg itl ride down on his W wae I "go onthe Manmath Hore Cal on a ae the course | little Horse-tentatious. The eareful ——_ horseshoe too Attracts a blockhead— A bo Mo Knows nl wat fod, mare ay vi py who 5 pexar rook "poney-bag his horseshoe | See in another corner one, A smile upon his face is, The Race is gh the Derby’ 8 won, The Winner he embraces. See where the Fay’rite, who has lost, On trembling hind legs rising, ow the owner to accost, kly apologising. bia iy i Aas g eg een On which we’ll feed as eo In prairies of the Pompe We see the well-known ‘ a With neck just like a th » Phy Here comes the Bottle of Champagne, And Magnates draw the cork there. Fill up t and ply the knife and fork! e’re ey here to Let ’s a i we can nonsenie As Mr. WHALLE U acheahes t by Moderation’s ~ ‘frowns, Folks take a lot of ~ To-morrow . They will some drink. ass cag let Tede make fast its door, rofits James nor Stage net, Let Yiahormen upon the shore and dragnet. Give reader ey 0 they x Wik ag pid § and bag’net, 0 Ss em away— The Bethy Horseshoe Magnet ! Improvement in Fire-arms. Is ig seid Chat all rifles for mecca wil sony 208 soon be loaded with + explosive shells instead of common of. Court Volun’ teers then no longer alone deserve the Pn that at be applicable to every regiment in the world, “ The Devil’s Own.” HEARTLESS ATTEMPT AT BIGAMY. GzntieMaN who was Courting Inquiry, was found to be Wedded | A to his own Views. THE DERBY HORSESHOE MAGNET. think ’*twas named,

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: \\y 8 NWR ere i yh EET til “A wiv ys 0 ww RY) Lene any i PAS a yee , e a> Tata > — <ny ~_— 4 ee Zz. , & DIZZY’S K’RECT CARD FOR THE ‘“ DERBY” (?) “K’RECT CARD, MY NOBLE SPORTSMEN !”—“ K’RECT CARD!”—“ CHURCH IN DANGER!”—“ LATERAL REFORM !”—" K’RECT CARD!”

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Junm 3, 1866] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL _

DIZZY'’S K’RECT CARD FOR THE “ DERBY.”

State. eolumns, for they never meant Gentlemen sportsmen, back your oases, make your beta and stake your a tego Ba oh ya a We ax-my-eyes and out-and-outers we ’re a goin in to wim, GOVERNESSES.— WANTED, for b

Now make your little my tulips, have we are with all the tricks ; r. crosses, All'for a sixpence only, gents, pat dows your dibs, and back your osags.

== THE STAGE FROM THE FRONT. | THE production of Brother Sam at the Haymarket Theatre is aie but gratifying improvement upon our past farces, like Lord Du: which paralyse the energies of a good working comedy company for the benefit of one or two individuals. Brother Sam is a humorous three-act German farce, built upon an old theatrical, and not very moral basis— a deliberate deception practised upon a rich old uncle by a reckless nephew for the sake of obtaining property. If the characters were not thorough stage conventionalities, moving in a sphere of life in which _— oe ~~ but the ore and Kg and pe i —_ incidents at every turn, such pieces wou simply unbearable. F . ee they = to erated with * war enormntting, like the crimes of ee ee eee eh em im custody» be own in the pantomme and Punch in the show, because no one a > TD: : believes in their resemblance to humanity. Such pieces require to be the terror of the Basilicata. This

extravagant,

reflection in ot dmirably as Mz. SoruEny, Mz, Bucxstons, They stand accused of about three hundred and f i i in thi bbery, the erimes of mutilation, m Sam at the Haymarket, the performance might be improved in this | ™°°,t° ’ : icular. Mn. SoTHERN occasionally drops into a slowness of manner, | 4 to figure “ And well-sustained, thoughtless, dashing levity can carry through such a that the Homan Government has, C , 4 : did the Papacy ever countenance such atrocities as is partly restored by the way in which Brother Sam is teased and check- F f sone the young lady =f consents to appear as his wife, and who. burning alive f — : — as Ley em wee be the parties wane OTHERN has a great r mtroducing extravagan “ ING ba mime business in all his pieces. " Sede Sam, as represented tt the ars vor

way of Mr. Oxenrorn’s amusing dialogue, and the humour and apirit | dvertisement :—

} Wi Bookcase with volumes of fly-leav: IRISH GAME. inged ~ lea . resent want of a Ws are indebted to the Field for the following good joke, which io. that his hirer shall, on returning him, appears among our sportsmanlike contemporary’s answers to “ Corre-| the glazed doors, The whole arrangement is

spondents :— « SHOOTING. Sepmpoin Ireland, but not in England. They cannet however, be shot. here The G 1 Blection. by any game-laws. In England, to be sure, they cannot be shot without | cheur’s Committee

WONDERFUL—AND TRUE!! . Henn’s a kerrect card of the Derby, the for the Plate. : ; ; Te Cua danger! my Watt Ten gt Ono | fhe We tk Ae Ss, need ely ft ou seriousness, private gentleman’s , in ben again, three jolly dogs and mene, ez, and coneciontious in her Supscutienh of Ways ond. gisls of alfa a : © ben ve ave i jolly are we, s in her mapagememt of boys an ages. e Thee me and PgEINCTON, that’s two, and Waxronm three, and qh § ; hy aia), and teach = a e ail be not wader 9 Or 535. A good refe- 4 And here ’s a ki the which if you would like to of the same soxt, Where the charge a) Have a <a tard of the i. aes ne both sexes and above 12 years of age. 4 i ike bri * active in her habits” - Now e mittees our ochre out like bricks, bie J : : ¥ Pau ageinet afl the field is taken; Wes them do it if they can ! a rough alt te cain ve 4 er a ane Who in ARP om T oF any other waa! ad also very ave all the French and music, and Now Bishops, noble Swells, and “Squires that means to stand for @ver in time to have a quiet evening's i various places, This here *s the honly kerrect t you all about tle racea E Now, Members of the Carlton € eau here all the information YVAMAID (combined), who has * Which you requires to mysteries of the sittiwation. To Gina the has ected in a a a Bred é Here is the odds agin Reforma and Church Rates’ threatened abolition, pig ee gs hem OT nelle patie he + But wot’s the odds as long %¢ yee happy? Ax the best arithmeticign. Gresamaker, SaibmaL Gh GOA Ee'bes up ine things, aloo a vere Guna and i Now then, my cocks of w 0s anarchy and revolution, _ quick plain needlewonna) 3 arensee. a1 ane six _ 2 Flare up, rally round me, the Altar, and the Constitution. need a iy, but one Whe is of an obligin disponitien, would have te 4 This here ’s the true and kerregt card, and no mistakefand no misnomer, 9 perquisites slowed. "sas aa aamen Fj Tneludin of the wery best translation ever made of Omer, FS With all the dodges and the dogs, the flukes, the scratches, and the ie: indeed be requisite for so varied a situa- / ess in her management” she og aa to which o Name Gptien phe should first mistress not object, after : moon ine dishosil tegshings ' and a few “ fine things got her us a family it could not be expected be worked fo death for the sake of allo her mistress to appear comme «1 faut at any certain hour. Oh no! she would much rather wait her turn. ‘“ No perquisites allowed.” Well, we should almost think if they were allowed, they would seldom be discovered or obtainable in a household which apparently is not at all g - » % BRIGANDS AND BRIGANDESSES. brigands, with for four years ‘ pang consists of seventeen men and acted without 7 reflection by the actors, and without causing three women, described as more b hirsty ——— than Se — ers. Mr. Comprox, and Miss Next Moore do their main work in Brother | tem, and among those they are charged = bed told, 0B parti: t het eye ra rut y leg were | would in which he thinks, or appears to think, and consequently becomes, for | (2V° US veueve , ese wretches have been committing these the time, nothing mane nee emp thin 8 welldeened swindler. Only | Out in the interests of the Pore and the Kine or Raman, sae character without making it disagreeable. ‘The moral balance, however, | teri incredible | Mutilation, anurder, and burning alive! | When Haymarket, requires no such clap-tra tricks. ‘They only stand in the A Lrrerary Gentleman in search of old furniture came across this. of the other actors. : : a The audience appeared to be delighted with the performance, WCEP BQO RCARE, mada by Gillon 7 St vide fut hie glazed doors, seoretazy, OF tly cost to be sold for 20 guineas. Apply, &c. He immediately jumped at the offer, and now the, C8, q » he will let t by the hour on condi-. i oarefutly look him From this statement it would seem that parsons in Ireland are in Sm CHaRiEs Lonoge is ing the of Wight in the Tory: | same predicament with landlords, game that may be shot unprotected | interest against will oon Spey, tea he vi A 3. p Ha ris, v a licence, which luckily for the Church, cannot be obtained. others of the most datinguuhed saber of thelr sister 3

all e.g in meh Prete om

“ as it A nr Ak ae ne

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pie}

[June 3, 1865,

INGENIOUS YOUTH. » < —-_ epee: = a Vast at Ae \ \ »

“On, My! Jusr Az’? IT JOLLY NEITHER, A SENDING 0’ ONE’s Goons By TraIn !”

THE SEASON FOR SPARROW CLUBS, BY HAWFINCH, Tue little birds paired on St. Valentine’s Day, And now rm hp breedun, and most on ’em lay. The cock birds zome zits by the nestes and zings, Meanwhilst the hens settun’, relaxes their wings. But zome, when, their mates have’n hatched their eqge well, The young uns has chipped their way out o’ the shell, Along wi’ the faymale s out arter f Wherewi’ for to nourish their squab caller brood. Now, farmers, to sparrer clubs all who belong, Your time is to slaughter the creeturs 0’ zong, For tisn’t the anaes alone you destroys, A prize on the heads on ’em zettun the boys. But greenfinches, chaffinches, linnuts likewise, Yellowhammers, larks buntuns, all ever as flies About them there fields where you strows pison’d grain ; So set to and silence the zingunbirds’ strain. Aitch pair as you kills you kills many moor by, In eggs as must addle, and young as must die. Bate bushes and brakes, my bucks ; scour hills and dales, d try if you can’t put your zalt on their tails. What them little birds feeds their young on you knows, Worms, grubs, caterpillars, and creeturs like those. In killun a sparrer or finch you’re aware What thousands o’ palmers and weevles you spare. Ah, poor creepun things !—do encourage their breed ; Do kill off the small birds upon ’em as feed. Them insects doan’t none on ’em do you no harm; Now do ’em, poor creeturs, hows’ever they swarm ?

Birds med be kep under, to that I'l agree ; The schoolboys zufficient for that purpus be, At Christmas about wi’ bow-arrers and traps, Or birds-nestun now, let alone the young chaps. Now goo to your Clubs and partake 0’ good cheer, And zum up the birds you ’ve killed over your beer. And, if you can count ’em, to judge o’ your gains, The billiuns o’ varmunt you ’ve zaved by your pains,

DEPARTURE FROM DRINK. Tue attention of Mr. GuapsTone’s temperate coal-whipper, who drank only eight quarts of beer a day, may be advantageously directed to the*subjoined copy of an advertisement :— [°_be LET, » BEER-HOUSE, in a Drinking Neighbourhood, sur- rounded with factories. Death the cause of leaving. Apply, d&c. The temperate coal-whipper may be admonished, by the foregoing announcement, not to exceed his eight quarts of beer daily, and its erusal may induce his intemperate associates, who, according to the Gusnmaan or THE Excueques, are in the habit of drinking from twelve to sixteen, to reduce their consumption to something near his moderate allowance.

‘¢ When Seen make a Note of.”’ A Youne Fellow was last week shut = all night, and fined the next morning, for plucking a sprig of May in Chelsea College Garden. For the future, let us hope he will know the difference between may and may not,

Wuist in Sr. James’s.—The Rector protests that Clubs are not trumps.

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Seo rae. — Ps OA RR. THE TIMBER DRAG—A NEW SENSATION FOR THE DERBY. CHARITY AT CLUBS. y My pear Mr. Ponca, I see by the Papers, for my husband never tells me what is doing at his Club, that a little dispute has arisen among members as to whether a Club, not being a sentimental institution, ought or ought not to give anything in charity. Now I’ll venture to say, without pre- judging the case, that if members had done their rrp. and consulted their wives on this momentous question, they would have been saved much needless anxiety and distress of mind. I am myself connected with and honorary Secretary to a Club or Society (same thing) and am generally acknowledged to have some pretensions to administrative ability. Now what is the course pursued by members of my Club P We meet at stated intervals—each member brings her work with her, and we make sundry little (very little) articles of apparel. (I need not say what, as this is intended for publication ; your own good sense and paternal feeling will tell you that), and which, when completed, are distributed among qualified persons belonging to the deserving poor. Now, why can’t members of more masculine Clubs do something o—_. Perhaps you’ll say, for the simple reason, because they can’t work. But I would ask, and I do so not to tease or vex, but in sincerity and faith, and with a view to moral elevation—I would ask wh cannot these controversialists earn? What I would humbly, and wit proper deference propose, is this. Let them invite a deputation from my Club to call on them and confer, and we shall be only too happy to give them every instruction, so as to enable them to afford that charit- able aid in find, which they scruple to render in coin. Of course we could not trust them to comprehend the mysteries of insertion or open- work. But there is a variety of small offices, for which, if willing, they might be found eminently capable, and J need hardly say that bobbin- winding is one. But even admitting for argument’s sake that members should prove hopelessly incompetent in this branch of industrial benevolence, still a world of good would result from opening these lay monasteries to feminine inspection. At present a deal of uneasiness prevails, more than is generally supposed, in many minds about the state of dust and litter in which any house mast be that is not uniformly under proper female supervision. I [often shudder when I think of the cigar-ends strewn over the marble mantel pieces and mahogany cheffoniers, in the absence of a constitutional govern- ment, knowing what takes place at home, where every infraction of tidiness is visited with the utmost rigor of the law. I could mg more on this absorbing topic, but fear, lest being hurried away by my feelings, I might be wanting in that charity which may serve as a cloak for the infirmity of others, but which we who have nothing to conceal, may be permitted to exhibit as a feather in our cap. I am, dear Mr. Punch, yours very sincerely, A not veRY OLD, BUT veRY ConsTaNT SUBSCRIBER. P.8. I suppose you know that a Club under very favourable auspices (and perhaps distinguished patronage) is gee by mutual friends of ours, to be called the “Sweet-bread Club.” You may smile, but you should not consistently.do so, for a sweet-bread is far more elegant than a calves-head, and will be found to harmonise with the tone and temper of its fair associates. * GROSSLY UNFAIR, SIR.” Masor Bow-wow’'s Sentiments. Tue loss by cholera of two-thirds of an artillery detachment, ordered to march from Mhow to Kirkee during the fiercest heats of the Indian summer, may be lamentable, but is not to be wondered at. ” can’t make omelettes without breaking eggs,” says a French proverb. ; “ You can’t move reliefs without losing men,” is the Indian equiva- ent. What is the use of making such a fuss? As if death wasn’t always ‘* Mhowing down” our soldiers! And yet the military authorities are to be blamed for ordering the march. Pooh Pooh, Sir! Stuff and non- sense and mock philanthropy. Humbug, Sir! Humbug! OH, YOU NASTY THING!” Waar omission of duty would probably be a sore point with an | Italian Cath lic P [Exit horrid creature. tholic Neglecting a Festa. Pre Ie omy . mad OM le » 7, FER, AR ie

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MR. LOCKE’S BILL FOR LEGALISING THEATRICAL PERFORMANCES IN MUSIC-HALLS IS SUPPORTED BY A “DRAMATIC AUTHORS’ PETITION.” UR dramatists begin with the complaint :— vated dramatic Both these allegations, we Septible of prook’ ‘That the ot ik proof. e ting jon concern- ing has not in any tanner “ rted or ele- cate Sbbarcet treks apparen m ry of the piéces boy Des é-tenths of atic Authors. + such legislation has tba age ye their industry y ' justified in inferring from the fact, that there are fot half-a- rig picts noW pfo- duced in London in the course of a year. petition -continves :-— a a lange tppate for ntloctan! amusement which toe Baber thse wll tha Ron or thas lanes) ‘have fit 6 satiafy™ i anegae We are délighted to learn the Lower Middle Class and Workin Class have Of late years d a large appetite!for “ intellect amusement.” We presuine this development o c — for the intel- lectual has been accompanied with a [eg eee craving for the sub- stantial, in the form of chops, steaks, and kidneys, unlimited “ goes ” of something short, and a large consumption of tobacco. Otherwise, we cannot connect the allegation with the object of the petition. How does the development of a large appetite for intellectual amusement require the conversion of theatres into free-and-easies, or of free-and- easies into theatres? One would suppose “intellectual appetite ” would drive noone where intellectual appetite is catered for, as it is presumed to be in a well-conducted theatre; not to a place where nigger minstrelsy, trapéze tumbling, contortionising, and the comic diet business are alternated with plastiques and ballet dancing, and where even such intellectual food as these entertainments supply seems to requite washing down with gin-and-water, and digesting by aid of tobacco smoke. : The Dramatic Authors who o ‘this petition must excuse us if we find it difficult to reconcile the alleged prosperity of mustc-halls—as they are ¢ on the “Jucus a nom lucendo” principle—and the alleged decline of theatres, with the recent development of “ intellectual appetite” asserted by the petitioners. ey go on to say, in ish, which ‘shows, we fear, traces of the effect of a long course of ion from the mch, that “the num- ber of theatres, and the present construction of theatres (which give no ‘comfortable or proper accommodation for these classes) have “ failed to satisfy” the intellectual appetite in question. _ Here we must ask a question. Is it only the “ number and construc- tion” of theatres that are to blame for such a failure? First, as to numbers: consideritig that the theatres are, one and all complaining— above or under their aay ery they can’t draw audiences, that the attractions of the music-halls are emptying their pits and galleries, it is difficult to believe that the “number” of theatres has anything to do with the disappointment of the intellectual appetites of our Lower- Middle and Working Classes. When the theatres are full to overflow- ing it*will be time to maintain that there are too few of them. hen, as to “construction.” Theatres may not be perfect in means of entrance and exit, sitting accommodation, and ventilation ; but, if they are bad in these points, what are such places as the Alhambra, and most of the music-halls, particularly ona full night, with the gas in full blaze, and the steam of nee, goes, and weeds, enriching the odours of hot humanity. No—faulty construction will hardly account for any falling off in theatrical audiences. Perhaps, however, we may admit that the theatre, as generally con- ducted now-a-days, is not exactly the place in which to satisfy an “intellectual appetite.’ With our “intellectual appetite” still suffer- ing under the mockery of a Barmecide entertainment, in the shape of a tetent coutse of bu , we feel that the intellectual play-goer, like the sheep in Miztow’s Sonnet, “ Looks up and is not fed” in our London But is there not something besides “ numbets ” and “construction” of theatre to blame here ? Still. Is sauce for the ‘gander. ; porters among the | tic authors, are charge lien they coiie forward as caterers a are just ntious kind, a reasons would bi chad the iavertate t appeti ainst, thro wing open th If thé music- hen th ptibon grounds of the when the , on of the same J music-halls to the drama. his step are distinct alike from the interests of But the less thé appetite,” of how are ae Oe i to open | ays fa theatrical fare provided have a deetle to do with > Y ee fare but {many of the gentlemen who sign this i If Lf fail so miserably in satisfying the “ intellectual even “the Lower Middle and Woke » in our th they to satisfy it better in the music- i for the unlimited consumption of their vi If they have i tter to offer, ve: & by they i 3! dg find the aoe { actors, an 6 procura e garnish setnery, decorations, a teat the erections of chops and coblers, cold witha ¢ peed es 3? Sure appetites have a bétter chance if are ope ome 7 worshi a ' a Muses — : in the 0 0 or 8 , or short piven thd mid Gabenase No: it the ma sy honestly :— Art is bosh} intelleetual it + Faiainen. mio i t ;| ahd educated public hal coast ts baliteine ar cece we haye pro for them the ata a we cannot caer for'them, we-think we Se ea uae el ror Buch a § ; eutene : é8, the -y t us not forget that | the interests of managers. They are to be found in t f the dramatic art, which managers in too many Cases systematically ignore. “ THE GOOD OF THE SERVICE.” By tHe Hon. Coronet Haw-Haw, of the Coldstreams. Am—*“* The Flowers of the Forest.” a I’ve seen Committees, the sadder the pity ’s, Trying to find who the piper should pay, By way of a plaster for General Disaster— The Good of the Service is all t? other way. I ; seen the journals attack clothing Colonels, ully Court-martials And call, fierce and fiery; for open inquiry— The Good of the Service is for going astray, Stupid civilians think fifteen millions her too much for an arm to t’ other way. And with question and query the orse Guards they weary— The Good of the Service is all t? other way. If a fellow writes letters and bothers his betters, Call a court, and compel him to go on half-pay, But M.P.’s such things seize on, and will have a reason— The Good of the Service is all t’ other way. In the ranks they say justice the best rule to t Would give merit command, and bid int’rest o t is ; y> Corps distinctions they ’d level, with the Guards play the devil— The Good of the Service is all t? other way. The thing that they drive at is giving a private The chance to obtain a commission some day : Our men we’re to preach to, amuse ’em, and teach too— The Good of the Service is all t’ other way. Convocation Clucking. Convocation has actually done 4 stroke of business. missin of the Crown, and at the request of the the Thirty-sixth Canon. Over this single act of By the per- Cabinet, it has reformed legislation whi¢h they have just accomplished, the parséns are cock-a-whoop, and so We are a ee ere See & fuss a8 a hen with one 3

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9: ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Bother the thing! I’ve cut my chin! My collar F——would I could go in mplicity barbaric ! Bat this is eighteen sixty-five. They ’re waiting for me—look alive !-— To meet ’em at the Garrick. The Postman! Bill?—Cab! Here you are! My duns I will—quick, Joun, cigar !|— Neath Lethe’s stream to-day bury ; Say, Jouy, that I’ve gone off to see The Prince inaugurating the Dramatic College, Maybury. We’re just in time to catch the train, To the Collector I explain My ticket is for Woking. First-Class? This seat will do for me; Just ask the Guard for a fuzee. What says the Guard? ‘“ Nosmoking.” We talk : this College, Sir, is made For Actors when they are “decayed.” A home and place of rest, ’tis. And here, until their final “ call,” We’ll try to minister to all Their wants and their necess’ties. Now for the Luncheon! Corks and forks! Then we will hear the Duxz or Yorx’s School band play lively pieces ; Then on the College ground appears The Band of Surrey Volunteers, Who ’ll play when t ’other ceases. The Master’s here, in waistcoat white, B. W. I needn’t write More than these two initials. INAUGURATION OF THE ROYAL DRAMATIC COLLEGE AND HALL. UNE up, Muses! Awake your lutes! And, Jouw, make haste, and bring my boots ; A cup of tea, too, #f tea Is ready for my t late. : Quick ! time and tide for no man wait, Nor the Eleven-fifty. Ho ’s got no hat upon his pate Behind him walk, tr solemn stite, Te Reenter ne 0 y ? i J We linen, with keath bated To Royal words which tell us all That now the College and the Hall Are both “Inaugurated.” To name each lady, who a purse Presents, would too much swell my verse With Annes, and JenniEs ; Hard were not advertised nor billed— Suffice it that each purse was filled With shining golden guineas. This is the he to make a friend Of Mammon forced his aid to lend The cares of age to solace. A song—those upper notes are fine ; Whence come they? *Tis Louisa Pryz Singing an air by WaLLacz. This one, whose voice do 4 through the Hall, Goddess of Song we to call, And almost gave her dulia ; Think of the Druids’ Priestess’ art! (O Mistletoe! be still my heart.) Hail, Guist! hail, Gioia! We'll drink, before to sleep we’re rocked, as Fizz,” not such as some concoct rom goose—or other gay-ber Ty; A toas phan dining at the rd” Ys Which f’ll , “Success to Dramatic College, Maybury.”

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a

PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

clause enacting that they shall learn the Church Ca- techism. Lonp GRranviLLE tried to get it out, but the AncuBissor or Yor« carried it, by 53 to 38. If

Church desires that her would make additional ¢ necessary, f that it was not the Orangemen who were guilty they had their part in that Irish Convocation. ; : 7 The Greenwich Hospital Reform Bill was read a Second Time. But what is to be done with the poor Merchant towards the Hospital, but are excluded frem any benefit thereof. There is an answer to everything, and we suppose that it will be urged that the merchant shipping is protected by Seamen? They have been for years made to contribute their sixpence the war-sailors, and therefore ong to pay, but this plea, though not a bad one as regards the Merchants, seems to us apart from the question concerning the Men. Would you amerce your cook and housemaid of part of their wages to pay your police-rate ? Mr. Disrae.t had, unhappily, been laid up with gout, and Ma. Moysgt was asked, there- fore, to postpone the Catholic Uath debate. He refused, unless an undertaking were given that when the pe should have yielded to colchicum and morphia, the sufferer would bring in a new oath, of a uniform character. It is possible that Ma. Monseit may have thought that when a gentleman is agonised with podagra, it is not unlikely that he may be in the mood for framing oaths, but the undertaking was not given, and, on , Tuesday, the debate was resumed by Ma. Newpecate, who moved a Six Months amend- ment. He clung to the oath as a bulwark, as the record of a compact showing Protestant good — towards Catholics. Mr. Gregory asserted the loyalty of the Catholics, and asked who had beheaded Mary and Cuantes Sruaut, and expelled James. ‘Ihe first illus- tration was slightly—eh? Was not something about a Catholic couspiracy to murder the Protestant Queen of England? No matter. Sia Joun Paxtnoton would modify the oath, cutting out the repudiation of right to murder, and of mental reservation, but he insisted on the Papist’s swearing that he would not pull down the Church. Mr. Horsman made a good speech + pee the oath, adding that it was of no use, because as soon as the Catholics grow powerful enough to change our religion, they will at once repeal the supposed safeguard. Sre Huon Catans owned that it had been no » but he thought that there were a few honest men who might be bound by it. But it is the honest men who need no binding against breach of faith—if breach of faith there be in such sffairs. Are we to ask a Catholic to swear not to do what all the Dissenters do, boastfully, whenever they can? No, said the House, by 193 voices to 126. Government is anxious to assure us that though the American Government is persistent in claiming Alabama Compensation, it is desi i be more friendly than its language. Arbitration is hinted at. Lorp Istumian Games moved that the Commons should rise for the Derby Day, and after a motion that the Bankrupt Law required prompt and serious consideration had been agreed to, = = RounD&L. PatMer t. erby. Wednesday. Hooray—no, Vive Gladiateur ! PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. have bee Assembly’s, and that fri — by 80 to 16. . But the jority of mankind believe it to be the in Ieaantiioest, which is only University irous of amity as well as peace, aud that nothing can | O. promised it, the House was Counted Out on the eve of the great cier has done with them, let them disabuse themselves of that idea. We then a debate on Civil Service Esti- mates, in the course of which a great deal was said about the Kensi Museum, a place, by the way, which Mr. recommends every- body with an eye to visit. The collection is now most rich and most instructive in the best sense of the word. Ma. Bruce explained, very satis- factorily, the value of the educational advantages to be obtained there. Ma. Wrxp thought the ' iture upon it most judicious. Ma. Gue- @ory thought that the collection had been of immense advantage in the cultivation of artistic taste. Mn. Cox obj to it use it was out of the of many artisans, and Mr. nn as ree politan ae — against t position to which Mra, Cox wished to reduce his constituency. The vote was ENERAL demands paca ae — General Post roene a ps y ions of letters passed through it, an now 700 millions are sent annually; no thank but the reverse, to ive order whereo LEY oF ALDERLEY is a member, and all ene reverse, to Sim RowLanD Pursce Kune was announced to have resumed office as the Pase of China. i idering what it can do for Government is ‘the benefit of that Friday, The Postuiermn-G per excellent lag peng hin 4 versity of London, whose merits are at leng ! Sees people. . The University of London is an examining body, a department of the State, has no teaching functions, and wants Halls for the examination of 400 candidates at once. It ought to have them, and will. Re Then were the Azeem Jan Petition Forgers called over the Coals, and four ders were ordered to be committed. The New National Gallery is to be founded on the splendid site spoiled by the existing Ga'lery, rn. Guansrows will speedily produce his plan. Mow this edifice ought to be a Wonder of the World. The world wonders whether it will,

A PIOUS FRAUD. Tre Standard, in reference to the Speech made by Mz. Guapstons, in recommending his son to the Electors of Chester, says :— “Mn. W H. Guapstors, the son of the CHANCELLOR or THe Exonmqumer, bas become a Candidate for the | City of Cheater ; and as it appears the young ventleman | is not gifted like his father, nor able to sav a word on his own behalf, the Chancellur has good-naturedly taken the task on himself.” Young Mr. Giavstons, on the occasion re- ferred to, preceded his father, and delivered a very smart speech, which occupies upwards of a column ia a newspaper called the Zimes. It may be obtained from most newsmen, aud as most people read it, we do not exactly see the object of this paragraph in the Standard. But we sup- pose that it was written for the stupid country parsoas, by w votes it is hoped that Mr. i the father, may be ejected from xfor

Relief to the Pope’s Poor Feet. Accorpine to the statement of certain news- apers, a Russian lady has just presented to the ore a pair of slippers, in which were placed 160,000 £. in bank-notes. There is a silver lining

Thursday. A new Peer divided for the first time. H.R.H. ree Patnce or Watzs voted for the ‘Third Reading of the Bill for the Utilisation of Sewage. He had probably learned, at the opening of the great drainage works, to comprehend the importance of the subject. The majority in favour of the Bill was 49, the minority 4 ‘The Bank-Notes Issue Bill is given up by Mu. Gtapstone. It seems to be one of those

to many a cloud, as his Holiness perhaps ex- claimed when he observed that of these very comfortable slippers. The Holy Father has not been progressin

will perhaps enable him to get on.

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fab > Jorn 10, 1865.] PUNCH. OR THR LONDON CHARIVARL. SPINSTER SUFFRAGE. INEDITED CORRESPONDENCE Mr. Pounce does not hold himself ible for any absurdity that may be found ia, thie duputionent of hie oured. ‘The Inte ene mew open to every political consbatant on one condition, that he presents his card (with real name) to our Pursuivant-at-Arms, and winces not it is announced with a flourish of trumpets. Mr. Punch begs further to A QUEER KIND OF CHURCH. Tw saying that there is nothing new under the sun, may appear to Peete , C cted it jin fact, coufirmed, by the advertisement fol- A WOODEN CHURCH, Second-H ted to ‘Purchase, capable of containing 350 persons, ormere. to E. and, Apply to E. Taonwron, ‘Req, Huron. borough, and if he should, he must come ‘in, for staud a cbanc: against euch a perfect Apollo? © know nothing about his prineiples, but he has given sush:a-sweet pair of ponies, d 4 Rong” For a church, whether bri “4 state ae hemryree teeta he might be personally to cs i Constant | oorrugaied _ that ia-e y stone, or rence, * tion, admits of no exception. , may seem, cannot be new... sort of a structure may the - mo iat ithe iia faust tee heen, abe x en hoo whoa Ricanpo and Mzcx, says weare all going mote? hed then does it go on wheels, like a travelling mamas, to have Tolee-~cvea girl of = from Ssceubieatly upwards, ‘Oh ! or. inane roe nad pene Aye 2° Soati sort of 7 isn’t it i ' « clares ‘Goose- something L style ‘Noah’ ‘ : n case, ec bervaghend if” vuthet euaniheae would | W ‘Church a sailing orasteam ark? Jf the Wooden Chureh is a with any amount of flattery current in Great Britain. The lower House of Parliament, instead of representing the collective wisdom ‘ef the nation, will degenerate into a show-room of dandies. An ugly candi- date, with a family, will never obtain a vote even if he be a second Socrates. I am a plain man, and I say emphatically, it won’t do, Sir. Yours most respectfully, JacoB FalTHrun. Si, I am quite in favour of Spinster Suffrage, but object to any farther extension. Those ladies who are under marital control are unfit, I cousider, to be entrusted with political responsibility, and ought not to desire it. I antic’pate great good from Spinster Suffrage, for I feel assured that we shall never have that grand desideratum, a tax on Bachelors, while Bachelors continue to misrepresent us in Par- liament. I shall vote fur no candidate that declines to give pledges, especially a pledge of conjugal allegiance at St. George’s, Syuare, before he takes hi ef Commo: anover his statin a refined as well as reformed House ns. Yours truly, Pewstore Por.ak. MOTTO FOR POLITICAL MURDER. She semper Tyrannts, assassin’s stage-tag, Displaced by Virginia from ee and flag, Wil you, Aypasw Jounson, good cause to exclaim, Affurd every creature who mentions your name ? For “to” reading “ with,” as ’tis ever the way With Tyrants their captive opponents to slay ; Tf you hang Jerr Davis, all good men and true semper Tyrannis will cry out on you. A PRIVY COUNCIL PROBLEM, (Apropos of Thursday's debate in Supply.) Grvex Coxz and the Brompton Boilers, what is sure to be the result ? Hot water. UNIVERSITY POSER. Av which University will the Examination of Ladies be held P Answer (by a Member of either Oxf Cambridge). At the Sieter avd she bas promised to-act as‘Quairwoman (or whatever it is) of his | for Viears and ‘Qurates for Lieutenants, Deacons for Mid- Distriet Memenitice. Oh, do ‘tell us, a oy Mee when pac to | sh Petty Officers fur Readers, or dispensers of a ministry be:a General Election. Cuianues has biue eyes, so we are all preparing like that of ‘the late Boatswaty Smrra. Tn place of an Admiral, the our evlours to match. ee Pleet would of course be commanded bi a Bihop. Ever, ever yours, ‘this Prelate could eoincide only ‘with that part — ements Buc. -| ee anes ts he Gah of Wooden Churehes. ‘Jong Ma * pas they remained at it would ‘be stationary, but when they were me 5 ag me tant ennifiee nDiieiies ca00 ied cruise it would mecessarily be a rolling See. Phere may be no ladies. At present all Lusbands deserving “of ‘that honourable name |*te# See asthat, and yet some people may think that there are bishops vote egrecably to our i dkny ‘alteration would only cause : excitement, without baving a material influence on — Bana or grat, ~~ Obarch ~ if preg in, ner Me the other. As to peresady pect A, pe is qualified to sale of that: i aot te oon any chant venga tare —. — no in ithe ut seale, and are only objects | pong hua » we to conclu that yee | chursb i 4 tent letters . ‘having been used by a fashionable congregation as . Yours sincerely, i ty, and ramshackle, is relinquished toverve as a place Mancazer Marmanp, {8 Classe. ? Perbaps the seound-hand n My veer Mr. Ponce, - jpurchase:at Huron is a kind of churoh'that Saliege. Rome's ae eterrentediniog wie sae, NANA a I ? a . ned ruption ‘under sucha system'!}—how could you by any Act of Palla. , ment preveht a candidate from paying bis young female s rters in THE AFRICAN CARTE. notes of elegance, and from treating old maids who offered plumpers f ord or University. Atm—‘' 4 Bumper of Burgundy fil, fll for me.” A wom of a drom’dary grill, grill for me, Flay the fleetest that flies o’er the plain : And bring me a joint of cold camel for tea, Which 1’ll cut, and, if nice, come again. Then for supper just broil me a slice of wild boar, With a tiger-steak tender and juicy : And one antelope kidney to follow—no more, For you knew I’m no‘glutton, my Lucr ! O be sure that for breakfast a bustard you roast, Pick the biggest the poult’rer may bring : Or an ostrich served whole, 4 la woodcock, on toast, Tis a tit-bit that’s fit for a king, Then contented Ill wait until noon, when for lunch . aad Cosadlebaiinomanies peels 1% camadle a bone porcupine crisply I'll cru With some snake’s eggs, deliesen when mouldy, French Free Trade. _Iw an article hailing an advance of the Austrian Legislature in the direction of Free ‘rade, the Post observes :— ‘* France had her time-honoured prejudices, and dreaded the gift which perfidious Albion tended. But she conquered herscruples—she swept away the barriers with which ber commerce was envi inetead of finding ber producers and manufacturers ruined by English competition, saw them euriched by English gold.” Only France. retained her export duty on rags, and thus she sees her manufacturers enriched by Euglish gold, at the expense of the manu- facturers of Euglish paper. *¢ Testimony of the Rocks.”’ Grotoey reads by the sea Old ‘Times’ and Dame Nature’s acts, Can Science uncertain be When it deals with such Litioral Facts. AQUATIO SPORT. (From our Rowing Club.) A Race between the “ Eight” of Diamonds and the “ Hight” of Hearts is on the cards.

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JLB yf Be. H / | 1) YY Ui \ My “IN. VINO WS PWAQ OOS Ss WS VERITAS.” Lucy (to Pa’s German Friend, on his first Visit to England). ‘* Tats 18 ONE OF OUR Nativzg Wines, Me. Hocusavic, iF You'LL DEIaN TO TRY It.” Herr H. (after a generous draught, in Amazement and Suffocation), [Pours him out Glass of best Ginger / “Your Enctish Vines ake ver’ SHTRONG 1” _. JANUS AT LOGGERHEADS. A Dovstz tongue ’s useful on many occasions, And two heads are better than one, past a doubt ; : There are things one can’t say to kings, statesmen and nations, That one’s cousin, as enfant terrible, blurts out. There are pledges, that one head may gravely demur to, Which the other can bolt in a summary way; And doctrines, that Louis can’t!safely defer to, By Jerome propounded, the reds keep in play. If my crowned head blows hot on the sly parti-prétre, My red head blows cold on the clerical fry. Alter ego’s the thing, Sir, paraitre et non étre, And indeed with two faces one wants “‘ Z’other eye.” But I fear that his Corsican speech may cause trouble, And that one of my Janus’ tongues t’ other must blame : He forgets that his task’s not alone to play double, But to play double-dummy,{if ¢haf suit my game. , Odds and Ends. A Gunrizmay, known as an admirable story-teller, but afflicted with an unfortunately short memory, sends us the following inquiry :— A capital ws he I wanted to tell the other day ends like this : “ Seated at last beneath the hopes of all, it was impossible. Turning at once upon the ancient Pauca she firmly but courteously refused.” = any of your readers kindly give me the commencement of this e Also, There’s a first-rate riddle whose answer is, “ Because it’s gone.” What’s the question to this? Perhaps some of our readers will obli THEATRICAL ASTROLOGY. _ Szz this brace of odd announcements, which appeared in a dramatic journal not long since :— WANTED, LADY DANCER, PROPERTY MAKER, and a few USEFUL PEOPLE. Stars are invited to send terms and dates. WASTED, an Efficient LEADER, and LADIES and GENTLEMEN in various lines. Stars liberally treated with. Of all useful people, we think a ayy beg would be the most usefal to us if we were a Manager, at t if we might share the roperty he made. But how strange it sounds to say that “Stars are iberally treated with,” and how funny to invite them to “send terms and dates.” Fancy asking Venus to tell us what her date—another |° word for is! And who would ever dream of begging Jupiter or Sirius to “name the day, the happy day,” when we might come to terms with him for what is d a starring tour? Jupiter might well exclaim, “By Jove!” at our impertinence; while as for Sirius, he would surely burst out laughing in our face, and say, “Come now, you're not Sirius !” The Slang of the Turf. Ong of the racing reporters, in his remarks upon the Derby, surprised us very am by the astounding information that :— » ‘* The French horse was literally in everybody's mouth.” Was he? What ashame! and what an expense too! Hipporiad? has lately been the fashion with French gourmands, but racehorse fles we fancy, must be a costly luxury, and the wealthiest a would pause a little before ordering a filet of Fille de l’Air, or a Gladiateur cutlet. But we have probably mistaken the purport of the phrase. In saying that “‘the French horse was literally in everybody’s month,” the writer very likely meant that, in honour of his triumph, his admirers were not dining off him, but devouring him with kisses,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Juwz 10, 1865. \\ \ XA \ \ \\ & Pi STRICT DISCIP LIN “ye (See Emperor's Letter.) | “COUNCILLOR” OF MINE. * * * * I’LL MAKE THEE AN EXAMPLE”

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oo PUNCH, OR THE Our Prophecy of the Berby. A NOTE TO THE NEW CHAPTER OF THE KORAN, ENTI- TLED THE WINNER, AND REVEALED LAST WEEK. Now, believers, need: ye that: I’ should write unto you, saying, Behold, I am right again. Am I not always right; and the only true prophet, and is not my name MonaMMeD-Puxce?’ But that iseamall thing. Did I not speak unto you plainly from the first umto the last, saying who should be the winner, even the ——— heretofore so free, not to say easy speech and language into the form dear unto the people which is called French, and I. heaped compliment.and honour upon them? Was it for nothing that: I said that the victory-should go unto the swift and the strong if he were well guided and there. were ne treason? And how chanced it with the horse whose mame is.as the name of him who was slaughtered in the Pagan arena? Wasit not in the guiding of him, after that he had been imperilled by the accidents that come unto the.sons of men, yea, and of mares, that his safety was found? But hearken, for when I apake unto you of!possible treason, I spake of that which hath in other times occurred unto the minds of men touching-certaim, winner of the great race? Was it for nothing, believers, deem ye, that I turned my | the races, whereof no more, for idle words are vain words, and unfounded suspicions: ji knife into her mouth, of tally coaived a habih of tak ontil pone bent ys ate ee 2 a the servictte the of remaining at the table until the other ladies pushing her chair, and remarking are apprehensions without a.cause, But at the last I spake unto you plainly, saying BakaLLuM. And unto those which hearkened unto my voice, and back Allum, which is in the Turkish tongue “ the Swordsman,” or gladiator, been as the ever-springing fountain of riehes and cataract of diamonds, yea, key that unlocks the treasures of the Indian seas and the gold mines of California. Keep your wealth, beloved believers, but be good unto the poor, and whem the Lights of your Hareems say unto you, My lord, and shall not we also havea: holl- day ? answer the moon-faced ones kindly, and do that which they pray of yous are they not the partners of your bosoms and expenses? Is it not fitting that:-thay, share in the profits? So saith the Great Prophet of all. A LOVER’S CONFIDENCES. Tw there is one ing in which a man is supposed to have a right to please himself, or to fancy that he does so, it is the giving himself away in marriage, It is usual, we believe, to ask the assent of the lady, but as this is usually matter of course—we, at least, have never been rejected—the formality is not oppressive. Nobody thinks it necessary to consult bis ata, on mother, or his uncles, or his cousins, or his landlord, or the inspector of police for his district, And cer- tainly we never of 2 tleman’s demanding the opinion of his neighbours in regard to his intended marriage. , ut a gentleman of Leicestershire, whose name he will ee desire that we should mention—Mz. Bewzammn Rizr, of Desborough, takes a larger view of a man’s duty to Society. He has fixed his mature affections upon a young person, named Mary Ann Paine. She was lately engaged in his factory. From the lover’s Govorietion of her, Miss PainE ap to be pene me respect. But Mz. Riney is not satisfied with having satisfied himself in the matter, but publishes in the Midland Free Press a long letter, begging the inhabitants of Desborough to listen to all that he has to say on the subject. He supposes that they will be surprised at the match, and he is desirous that they should not think it se foolish as. it appears. He then explains in about two degen phs that he has made a sort of ‘Treaty with the future Mas. Rizzy. Here are some of the articles :— “*The terms of our ¢ are numerous, and are placed before her in an m extensive currespondence on — “ Por the present it must be obvious she can do no more than follow my directions implicitly, for it is not the uncultured factory girl, but the moderately cultivated young lady of the future I design uniting myself to. “* | aball feel a pleasure, according to the terms of our engagement, in her visiting her family as viten as she pleases, but it is understood they are not to visit her cuhupateed.” So that the Desborough magnates and gentilities need not be afraid, when paying their visits to the newly married couple, of meeting persons of inferior rank and culture. A clever starting-point. Ma. Ritey then ex the young lady’s sled: and in order to fill her mind with new ideas, she through a large railway station in the south to the charge of our kind friends, Rev. 8. Daaxeroaxp and Mas. D: rapiuity of movement I thought advisable.” chorus in the lover. He is not esger to rush into the society of his Many ANN :— * 1 hed previously engaged get a little mitiated iuto the habits and manners of middle class life. and y refined. lains the means by which he proposes to expand “Wishing her at once to see Desborough was only a small portion of the world, ant Soom London, and also orthing, on the sea-coast, ba 4 RAKEFORD : In order to rouse her soul with a sudden burst. This was truly artistic, and reminds one of the way in which Amina is awakened by.a bula. Now mark the noble self-mastery of the a-bome there for them. By this arrangement she will I do not suppose 1 shall see her for a few months to come, not till she gets a little grounded We are not informed as to Mz Ritey’s ideas of moderation in re. Some men, in the circumstances, might be satisfied if the |, There: im: the: first “6 real _ a great months. Ly prettier + the woul “pyeat:” Thereina green. spot. in ‘Ma ae Oe re would have bean, on: the: poeti “No-end of a wait” is what'we should to » fast young = of the aristocracy; But Mm prudent medium. But Miss Paswm must work, for she a year what many people never-can: learn: in: life, and— “To all curious ones I say, sw ‘to prevent it; expect the wedding in May, 1806, for Ids’ not think it is fikely to be before, = an on my intended’s part.” In fact, the date of his marriage depends on her power of learni French grammar. If we were the young, lang wouldn’t we try the Hamil- tonian system, or Du. Pick’s Art of Memory? But what pleasure in repeating the verbs, and saying with Ma, Bayz class in the Bi why is this capital farce never played t) “* J’ames I love,” when every repetition of the present tense brings one nearer one’s Future, Mr. RuBy sums, up in the following manner :—' “I have thought it just to myself to place this qais addireas bo you, will bes dot dn aqenin, and The world will say what “they” and'we hope will say they like Mn. Riiey’s affectionate confidences. We think that he ought a have gone a little further, called a public meeting, and after giving all these explanations, ougtit to have announced himself as ready to answer any uestions, but perhaps, being a man of business, his time is precious. e therefore, in answer to his appeal, assure him that his marriage meets our approbation, that we are reasonably satisfied with the curri.- culum appointed for his bride, that we wish the plighted pair health and happiness, and a union at the date fixed. If there be any other detuils of household life on which Mz. Riney would like to consult us, as to the choice of furniture, the aspect of the bed-rooms, the character of Eee one OF ERE RI Hr, ne SE he has only to publish Epsom Cup. Amonce the Stakes run for on the “ off” day of Epsom Races was the “ Epsom Cup.” This seems hardly the sort of “ cup” that one would be disposed to pee of for the purpose of luxurious refresh- ment, although the beverage which may be denominated “ Epsom Cup,” associated with a small round body of a mercurial nature, furms a combination which is sometimes styled a “ black and blue reviver;” Ps, in the language of the labels on the bottles in the doctors’ sho Havat: Senxm Come: SOUTHERN SUBMISSION. Tue State of Virginia, at the invitation of the Provost Marshal, relinquished its old motto Sic semper tyrannis. It has now, we under- stand, adopted the reverse of that legend, and its present one is Sic nunquam tyrannis,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON - CHARIVART. way) hh i! TURPS v. Tas ABOVE REPRESENTS a SuicHt Mistake MaDE BY ScuMBLE’s NEW CHARWOMAN, Sea WHO, BEING “ PantiaL TO HER Drops,” THOUGHT SHE HAD A CHANCE. TURPITUDE. _ WHALLEY’S CONSENT TO: SING. Yzs, I'll sing wi permission. x. T trust Yom wat i th ou ihe Howse a } I ahall get on in singh ‘ ‘Te I break down in telling a sCory. As I now am your § I None will me hr mo a ol e And if I must not of the Porz, I’ll “No Popery” sing all the stronger. But the same sauce for gander as goose Is what justice declares the right thing, Sir. Let those others, whose talk’s of no use, Like myself be requested to sing, Sir. There’s Porz Hennessy, Bowyer, Macurae, Pray allow me those’ Members to name, Sir, Them to iy a the House, too, require, For their bosh when a hearing they claim, Sir. Let the rule of fair play be extended From DemostHEnEs likewise to TuLty. T have sung; and now fa song is ended, I will take leave to call upon ScuLiy, A Trick on Two Mints. Tae Emperor or Tas Frency now and t D during his stay in Algeria, has doubtless taken a Turkish As often as his Imperial Majesty has experienced the of that sudatory, its may be said to have with sweating a win dh and a Napoleon "OSSY INTELLIGENCE. Most people have heard of the celebrated Screw con’ nected Sg the ae of Sscunanpas. : Now A age ARcHI- failed to win the y, i necessary ie some of them that the Seow paned after ARCHIMEDEs is not a horse. LTHE FRIENDS OF THE WORKING CLASSES. A Fave occasion for sneering at an attempt to promote the comfort and elevate the taste of the poor is afforded to any journal representing the pride and malevolence of the community, by an announcement stating that the Royal Horticultural Society has consented that an Exhibition of Window and House yg. by the Working Classes, shall be held at the Society’s Gardens on July 10th, and that it has further agreed to give £50, to be distributed in prizes on that occasion. Especial scorn may be poured upon the further statement, that a Com- mittee has been formed to carry out the above-named object, and has found, on calculation, that its accomplishment, if the number of parishes Exhibition by the Parochial Clergy and others, do so, will require a sum of £400, to which those who have the social and moral good of the better. Nes yee heart are invited to contribute. Contemptuousderision of that absurd scheme for indulging a maudlin sympathy with the gro- tesque Working Classes, may perhaps prevent more than one strong- minded lady or gentleman, who understands just satire, from giving any money or countenance to an undertaking, which, together with its promoters, must be thoroughly despised by the better orders to whom sarcastic animadversion on the necessary ridiculousness of poverty is delicious, A Brave Motto forjWashington. Her Magesty’s Birthday was celebrated in London with various illuminations, including the letters V. R. When the day of Presipent Jounson’s nativity comes round, his loyal people might as well comme- morate it at Washington with similar devices, only changing the letters for V. V., the initials of “* Va Victis /” AN ECHO FROM EXETER HALL. expected to compete by reason of the interest taken in the proposed | "2" INTERNATIONAL IDIOTS. M. Rewaxy, the orthodox, in a recent article in the Revue des Deux Mondes, says :— “The worst enemies of Egyptian an’ American travellers, systematically tected in their misdeeds by their Consuls. names of these idiots go down to posterity, besnene they bees shen. pete write them themselves on the most celebrated monuments and over the most delicate designs. * * The wise principle that the antiquities are the of Government has been proclaimed, a watch is established over them, but what if a brutal stranger, despising all law, defies the ian, burns the d dif tho guardien so menak ment, if there be one, breaks everything at an so my as touches him, complains to his Consul, who causes the unhappy native to be ities have been the English or Fs What? Why that both the stranger and his Consul are scoundrels. Mr. Punch has declaimed, too often and too py against British Vandals, to be suspected of tolerating them. He well remembers the satisfaction he felt, and expressed, one day in Canterbury Cathedral, where a Cockney Snob, struggling up a column, was inscribing his vulgar name, and a stranger coming behind him did, with a reasonab’ ash-plant, inscribe Ais protest in a way likely to be rememb when that Snob should have occasion to take his seat in private life. Habi- tually averse to violence, Mr. Punch has, nevertheless, always authorised anybody to castigate desecration whenever a chance be offered. But M. Renan apparently atones to himself for disbelieving some wonderful statements by credulity as to others. If he thinks the offence of scribbling on monuments is not perpetrated by Frenchmen, Punch re- commends him to make a brief tour of Parisian show-places. , Juxes, and Pavt are quite as fond of scratching their names as Jack, Tom, and Harry, and if Mary Awn, Jemma, and Matiipa may be read on marble and glass, so may Freme, Liserte, and Jui. Th are Snobs of all nations, M. Renan. French travellers are just as irre- verent as English and American travellers. This is no excuse for any- body, but what is sauce for Poe is sauce for le jars. With which reser- Waar! our Costa can’t write !—have a care what you say, man ! Why, his Naaman—but psha! ’tis enough to say, “ Nay, man!” vation, Mr. Punch has melancholy satisfaction in org far and wide M. Renan’s appeal, adding that more persons t — tourists seek by flippant monographs to destroy what ought to be sacred,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON wt aes CHARIVARL 4 vy oe SSS PARSONS IN PETTICOATS. “LE CHANT DE TRIOMPHE.” num to the’ interests of an (Por us Amateur du Sport.) important but somewhat de- Sun la Grand-Stand gala sie branch of wel an | tiger rer sure in extending the pub’ lity. ag de es le ey ¢ ~~ | ag ara Le ruban bleu du ‘ eriv m. Edinburgh), Pends & ma boutonniére, Courant :— Versons & pleines rasa “ Wanmome, ro. Cr soit Pel-el* et Porter-Bidre Glergyman e Gity of Durbam, |, Ta > ler ane somnteren. of inane eh Chenne Golda eaten: cited wonder of the zeus Mais sur les vrai chevaux P ee. PE ee. Series! Bi Nous avons mis:les:selles,+ yoverend tread fea ES mi | ee des o ne on the omphateur courses, bis coat and fall, reosiving euch De bif-tek plein, le: t——— el Dea race'ick.plaine In hones In this interesting little} Longtemps de ladéfaite: narrative there is ibe : La coupe Jai ba; an error of the For Que les sels ‘ “coat,” most likely, weought La grippe de. ¥ t to read petticoat. . Revere Nos dettes le . gentlemen “ of extreme High Je yherger ss a Church proclivities” are very ‘Wold tout prét Ory fond of dressing like Indie. Rangeons:les-ance: (d m ic Champagne. wearing Veale di eee Franoe, souris, with smart aud gay, Au moins, tandis.que je ang and variously trimmed viii embroidered. There. is the |. Vive le Grand’ Monarqne ! chasuble, and cope, andietole, | Vive le Gla ae repre besides the alb, Bt jusqu’a ce que j’embarque t to Jeak, theneiiees a8 ik 5's io een Romajne, and moreover there Hélas, de toute calice may be, for aught we know, the casaque, and the burnous, and the visite, and the capote, and the fichu, and the pardessus. If they have taken to go about the streets in their petticoats, they have adopted the best possible plan to get a large following. At any rate they will be sure of having no end of a tail of street-boys for acolytes. But let them take heed lest they stumble, If they will wear long dresses, they should loop them up. Hoops are going out; but the sansflectum crinoline is still advertised in the Morning Post. Let them don the steel cage under the muslin; or alpaca, or tarlatane, or powlt de soie, or satin, or whatever it is that their robes are made of. By this careful and cleanly contrivance, they will be enabled not only to pre- serve themselves from being tripped up by their own rkirts, but also to lift their trains out of the mire, and keep them from sweeping the pavement clear of orange peel and other things. At the same time if they affect the Ienarius chaussure, they will enjoy. the advantage of showing their sandals, or, in case they prefer the more modern style of embellishment for the foot and ancle in association with crino g an edifying exhibition of their Balmoral boots. oo upplice,, Quand nous serons en mer. Mais méme ce mal atroce, De mer, et ses douleurs Sont comme ‘“‘/a joie,” en tant qne * Palcale Tous les deux, “ils font peur.” ¢ An attempt at Feeachitying our proverb, “Putting the saddle on the right horse.” ¢ “* Race-Stakes ” are evidently meant. Lvucvus 1 now Lucewpo.—Havsmann, Prefect of the ne and Lord of Misrule in Paris, so called children. wnhousing men, women and from his “BEST PUBLIC INSTRUCTORS.” Wer have rarely seen a more charmingly useful and valuable paragraph than the following, which we extract from a provincial contemporary :— “On the 14th of April Orsini, Charlotte Gorday, Ravillac, and Booth committed their crimes ; and W:Jliam I1I., Anne, George L., George II., George III , George IV., William 1V., Washington, President Lincoln, and. others, have all died on a Suturday.” We have no doubt that the writer of this resumé of history intended to teach some important lesson, and that we might be the more fully prepared to receive it, we requested our little boy, home for Whitsun- tide, to take Mz. Havpn’s unimpeachable Dictionary of Dates, an ‘ verify” the rustic’s statement. Our intelligent lad reports that Onsini_ committed his crime on the 14th January, 1858; that Cuar- Lorre Corpay (called Gorpay in the provinces) removed the miscreant Maxatron the 13th July, 1793, and that Ravaittac (called Ravituac in the provinces) stabbed Kine Henny tue Fourta on the 14th May, 1610. As Be "8 crime was perpetrated on Good Friday, the pro- vincial historian, with a penny almanack before him, could scarcely go wrong. Our assistant wished at this crisis to go to the Zoological Gardens, and we could not, humanely, detain him longer at references, and therefore we did not send him to the Perpetual Culendar to examine the second series of facts. But we are rejoiced to be able to compliment the country gentleman on his accuracy in regard to Parsipent Linco, and we completely agree with him that “ others” have all died on Saturday, as his own advertising columns and those of the Times abun- dantly testify. But, supposing the whole paragraph accurate, we are compelled to ask what dues it prove, except that its writer is a Booby ? jurisdiction. Mr. Horsm. why Roman that of another. son’s Dictionary, ** Jegal authority.” suggest any difficulty on the d|the Pore’s jurisdiction ; for w these dominions that his Holiness can Mz. Horsman have used language so very different from a Hou hulim’s as that which he employed in raising a question about the Purg’s “legal jurisdiction,” as if the Porg, or anybody else, could have illegal JOHNSON AND JURISDICTION. Yet Ma. H OKSMAN, in If Mz. Horsman cons enforce by law ? Da Tre Congress of Yaukeedondledom acknowledges the authority of one Jonnson. ‘The British House of Commons is supposed to own in the debate on the Roman Catholic Oath Bill, took occasion to object to the Protestant Oath, as declaring that the Porg has no spiritual jurisdiction in these realms, when in fact he has some. consulted he would have found that “ jurisdiction ” meaus he known that, he would not have gone on to rt of Protestant Members in denying authority of any sort has the Pores in Neither could JoHN- Legal authority the Pops might have here, if Parliament, in its wisdom, would repeal acts of his titular bisho AN may swale the force of law. If! the Ecclesiastical Titles Act, and give the In the meantime, w the Protestant Oath with perfect safety ; “ig there of the invasion of old | Nothing at all at all is should be it need not stick in his gizzard at all: but that, of course, is no reason Catholics, in order to sit in Parliament, pelled to make any affidavit that offends and chokes them. Com- Fewtans mn Fact.— Small fear,” observed a loyal Son of Erin, i reland by the Fenian Brotherhood, at all likely to be done by a set of fatnéans.”

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- “BLOOD’s NOT EVERYTHING: meek The Gentleman riding. Tear’ 8 A VERY Finst-RaTs Pony OF YOURS, MY Fatnixp—snovaet’ You we THE Bn, silourviar'" Gentleman driving. “ AH, YOU ’RE Rigut THERE, Master. Way, BE ‘sD a Great GRANDFATHER ‘as ‘wow THE -Dansr, That pte Pe ate Hab! Bor, THERE NOW, WHAT'S Tae Use 0” ’aving Goop Buoop IN YER Vans, WHEN You 'ss to Work | Yor “vgn Iv: ” ,. tu if 0 acto +? « HABET.” WHO WOULD Hive THOUGHT it itt Bia ys | Dean . Puncn, To Mistex Puncs, a % Hw the news came that Gladiator had a it, I instantly Dear Sin if you'll excuge the the erty of spe of 40 familiar turned to my i> Ronan , With the ‘following result. , I showed | which I umbl opes as yee il Symp a ig it up to my tutor, and he wong sch egplanion me. for what-I’ve | this here Hadver T zement tobe copped, in yr fra meg vip ist done, for to show what ts we co. 7 %oam Frrre-Foax. to in them there Dratted ro rorattes ee ‘cae : bets the ran, te ben instant ’s over, Se Motter for em leastways so J says and I or nae he board ladiator ’s won it ; a on me :-— I ha ey Sais Sie 3 NTEMPERATE.—TO LADIES. a iar ti is. Lradaniaeheeer ee Won i ina canter race seen holloweér, References given and “Therefore I lem to my tutor : A lady. of Sietempesll dh abits! . What a bage isi ps Sesing » a nia a follower, ‘if there ever were a Lady in the as' was This Gladiator shave Secutor /’ Evans! the igspression is enough to make orie’s blood tnite Be ‘as Fa could ‘ave written that thee notice’i Mit tutor frowned ' a siauieat iwi serious, reporst and whatever do she thean ‘by a’ é the utiused edge of his wit he whetted— Soe’ te rel piocts ertei-y in Has udor,—no ; but rather Retiars 4 scenery when theyre ‘a-seeing double or could valley i "Cause such a jolly stake he’s been and netted. when theyre arter gitting aad aaeee thls er is kep open as a sort ta ok aT Co ern Mp . ’¢ no more do without ii creeturs as Popular Sayings. cs trae a trth nat my mame T dont daeeue yoo fr why should Tis (Adapted to the Day.) JANE Buosss. : a. Sd be a second,” as Gladiateur said to his Jockey on the Km ining” ote Tne Be mat ‘he theatre, said to Mn, wo’s com R. Wican, of the re, sai SrRanee, of the Alambre { ) 5 “ Three’s nun,” as Mz, Water said, without any meaning’ Pornrepiy asks the London Review, “ What is:to be the Cry of the whatever. Great Liberal Party ? ”—Peceavs. Printed by Wihaw » of Mi Ui Ww the Parish of St. in of and Frederick ot No, 11, Bouverie fo o. SAS RCN Oe Dane CaN TS Pea Wa 8S 2 arr eae a Ree Bane a es , | 70 CORRESPONDEN! TS. Wass S.1.R, kindly frac an dn Yo whi a ote may be sen!

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>. eRe QUERY P Do not tae Lone SEmTS KINDLE 4 CHRISTIAN FEELING InN OUR HEARTS WHEN LEAVING CHURCH ? i ienate the Colonies. Happy is the natio SIR CHARLES LOCOCK’S ADDRESS. alii ue ae ae Ce, ew : " On the question of Reform there is so depressed an action of the raewe - THE ELECTORS OF THE ISLE OF WIGHT. national . that I feel bound to wait for i urther, symptoms, Ki an E . ’ Y posed i te i infusi I RESPECTFULLY solicit the honour of being your political pha A. drensty af cupiticisin for toleration. I iim Oniptuel 00 the attendant. Ballot and all other boluses. : . s " Did Babbicombe Bay or Natal return a Member, I feel that I should |” ] will always uphold the National Religious Establishment, holding it more nap agen request the suffrages of the electors of those places, | » nation’s sacred duty to be properly churched. wherever they are. But as the Isle of Wight contains the marine| ‘The new Parliament will is primiparous, and the utmost attention residence of our dear Sovereign, whose first physician-accoucheur 1 | will therefore be required. I trust that the country will not be reminded became in 1840, I am sure that you will see my claims upon your | of the mountain fag one regard. - a Should you do me the honour to elect me, I shall be ready at any No person can set so high a value as myself upon a good Constitution, | hour of the day or night to attend any consultations; and should a or would be more ready to repel empirical treatment thereof. Iam a| brother practitioner propose anything that seems to me desirable, I decided advocate for an antiphlogistic policy, for avoidance of irritants, | shall not be deterred from supporting it by any professional feeling of and for a very cautious use of stimulants. At the same time, I am not jealousy, nor shall the miscarriage of any valuable measure be due to bigoted, but am ready to meet any conjuncture, in short, to prescribe my treatment. pro re natd, for in times like these there is no saying what a day may| ‘Having thus explained my principles, I will only add, that no more forth. bulletins will be issued, and that I am, Gentlemen, ; e — sopenss ome be - poet — be pom a Your faithful Servant s regards foreign policy, I would conduct it upon the most generous : , , and friendly pri nthe and my motto should always be, “ Welcome,| Obstetrical Society’s Chambers, Cuartzs Lococx, M.D. little Stranger !” June 14. rte ae a es oa type * rae: hye or, in other words, tied up the great Knocker, she pledged herself to repress : revolution, but to encourage progress. That prescription saved Europe, ** Dye not, Fond Man”—or Woman Either! and I shall not be willing to depart from the treatment then suggested. her k nostrums, we notice the announcement of a But though I am in favour of emulcents, I am far from pron a that | « able Hacave, for imparting to the head the “ fashionable there is no occasion on which a vigorous exhibition of steel and Bacon’s golden hue.” ‘Well, as,this * golden hue” in reality is red, a Powder may not be desirable. ; vegetable dye may be just the very thing to make the hair a little radish I shall tender my Parliamentary support to the Eant or Densy;| we pardon for bad spelling, we mean a little reddish. Strange first, because he is an Karl, whereas his opponent is a less elevated are a beg per of fashion ! ies often have been noticed wearing member of the respected Aristocracy, and, secondly, because I think | artificial roses in their hair, and now it seems they try to beautify them- that he understands the case of the nation better than the rival prac- selves by wearing artificial carrots in it. titioner. Having had frequent opportunities of conversing with both, when they have arrived at the Palace to offer congratulations on happy events, I may consider myself qualified to form a diagnosis. “ Corens or ’vantace.”—£ 8. d; VOL, XLVII, (BB

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Pa 242 [June 17, 1865, PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. zi une Sth. Thursday. me |e idea of work, inthis weather, week. gentle- man, and the take declined to discontinue — ? — suntide holidays. m- mons, who are not so deli- cate, and who, moreover, are interested Boning is the Parliament decently and buried, met again to- day, and stuck to their seats =e ee one in the ww irires: the ‘Reach Fishery | their Bill was read aSecond Time. ‘As usual, the title of a mea- 1g, for ie Essex. is pro- tective, but we do not un- ‘derstand what it onpeaned and .are cer mot ‘to a the sof ook ing see, Perhaps the oysters have been crossed in love—how;should we know? Yet itis pleasant to write of anything that raises the idea of cool waters. Then an Indastrial Schools Bill. "The-very: mame of industry with the mereury where it was would have been enough to deter one listening to the ; but whenwe add that it was caalamted by Mz. Hennessy, we feel that we have said enough, and a deal too 4 However, was something in the case, and if the heat wee rmit us, we should energeti protest of the PP iemeclres the Mil dows: Magistrates, who deli of Parliament, which has decreed tint the Catholics in all be attended by Catholic priests, and who oppose the carrying out of ;that liberal andiproper ws icy in regard to Catholic children in the Industrial Schools. T istrates were rebuked by Sim GrorGE Gazy, and he was thanked iy Lorp Epwarp Howakrp for his senti- ments. But imagine the — of fighting over a theological question in existing circumstances ! Two of the forgers of si to the petition about Azeem Jan were brought up in custody, and thy having stated that they were very ignorant, and very sorry, and very poor, and had been the tools of another person, and had been in custody for a week, the House good- naturely discharged them without payment of ry embers were too indolent to be harsh. But we doubt w he evildoers were well — in coming out of the cool prison cells kept by Lonp CHaRizEs USSELL. Siz Gzorct Grey moved an address of co ara on the birth of the new little Prince, son of the Parncess or ALEs, on the previous Saturday. Mr. Disrazsi, who we are glad to perceive had so ers ga — from his gout as to be able to attend at the splen ee of Miss Everina pr RoruscHizp, and make the most tender ed mg of speeches in honour of the occasion, seconded the motion, which Mr. Punch, rousing himself for a moment into lo saleneaan, has the distin pleasure of thirding—and r Tue SPEAKER, dclighted, then escaped to throw off his wig and gown, and take iced drinks. The House went into Committee on the Civil Service Estimates. On a vote for the National Gallery, Mz. Cowper said that the National Collection was to remain where it was, and that the work- house, the —— school, and ered. ARCHBISHOP TENIsON’s in the rear, are to be bought, that new gall eries may be erected upon the land so to be acquired. Government has informed the Royal Academicians that seey must Sct out, but if they ask for a site at Burlington ~ eo it will be We approve of this, for the strawberries and ice cream at sees 's are very nice. Much was said (for nobody has the energy, just now, to condense, except into a dew), upon the propriety of opening the National Gallery in the evening. ‘he difficulty ia real one, the ger of fire. For it may be in the knowledge of most persons, not art-critics, that } Remppanpt and Rusens IAN MouRILLO are not now alive, and therefore most persons, not art-critics, may have mental wer enough to understand that should the works of those artists be | act. estroyed by conflagration—we mean burned, but it is less trouble to write long sentences than it is to compose short ones—the pictures in question could not be replaced. Gas, it seems, would be decidedly ulation to the prisons:| Mp. i oan tae mite to_devse « eyiem of ee ut we cannot talk aye poor Seat It was allowed on all ie ant National base gy to be in a better Sat nothin sews so some people, moment poor Mr. signified his assent to this oe body flew at him with a sort of accusing hether he mans A to take the portraits toSouth Kensington. that the very name. ci es ed er and declared that he no Mr. to the talents and ‘valuable Pa Be pm tn, Ley and stated that it was intended to continue the system of observations, and telegrams, and Somebody made foolish remarks sbout the Weather Ofice not everything. Suchmdnsense would:made us savage, sae 10 give: a te wind Do Memberswant as, wea oe can very kl low th hl of a Then ewe talked of Masta ble little LenB opos of the £500 to the Royal Academy of institution, Maz. Guapstowz: I owas a good Nevenai ye DF We wish it could give us'a mn Norma, “gy talbing oP ashes Tike nha ees ea ing of a p e 88 even risoners are detained ainie, gp ee ds. We hope people.give usa great deal of trouble. If, eobane would assure eae lives | in some office that it would be much better, as their relatives-would: consoled, and Government would not seeany bothered by the consequences of imp On a debate whether a certain sum should be-granted to Dr. Cooxz, a most eloquent Irish Presbyterian clergyman, whom Mr. Wurresipe considers equal to Cuatmens, there -was:a curious little ‘brotherly bit. Hapriew’s: , Strange to say, was noticed. Sm Roserr Part. He stays away in ‘proof that he no longer objects to the proposed vote. . FREDERICK Peet. I have a letter from “4 asking that the vote may be postponed until he can come to oppose Concordia fratrum rara est. The eloquent P Breabyteran, however, obtained his money, by 51 to 14, and the Committee deserves a compli- ment for possessing energy enough to divide. Freperick P2e’s superfluous steam was then let off in‘ the intro- duction to the House of Commons of the longest single word which has ever been spoken there, even in the Long Parliament. He said that the expense of Photozincographing Domesday Book would be repaid by the ready sale of the fac-simile. B the way, stop! It is almost too hot to count letters, but in the days of the Puritans there was much eant about.a superstition called Supralapsarianism. ; és This was a staggerer, but Faep Peet beats the fanatics by a head. Greenwich Hospital a the title! ne prerer ts on UARTERMAIN’S de al pagne cups—wen' wef mmittee, and about a dozen other laws were rattled over Pa note or comment. Then we walked out’ into the night, eyed the vault, and blessed the use eaph eeb ae we obtained from a aan Fixed Star, warranted not to fall and burn holes in your trousers, ‘also the “ fire tantclens,” like that of the verses of most modern poets. _Friday. Parliamentary virtue or valour—virtus—held out till nearly nine, but — then Counted. The p were versational, as all proceedings that really mean business are—it is your Bumbles, and Vestrymen, and Freemasons, and Patriots that make the apoashen. 0 On the Prisons Bill a discussion arose on the trales power to cutoff the hair ofreiaatory women me is so _— a terror to them, that it is not surprising that gaolers desire it, ut the House of Commons has manlier kinder instincts, and refuses leave to unwomanise even the . Sir Batpwin ‘LEIGHTON, a Shropshire magnate, t i pleasure a story, how a prison matron, about to leave, was defied by a woman prisoner, and thereupon went into her cell and gave her “‘asound whipping,” which Siz BaLpwin qunmizenne, & though an illegal, a-sensible The matron was leaving in order to be married. A sweet and entle aoo=tapeaiananntne: ee ee ait oliisediemee ies a y railway accidents of the -week, which -have ‘come

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“ingrtaly tidal express, oo Re and we tgs tidal eagpeen, hows us. — on applying one:or-moreof. the: heir command. Ys Me rp andi lv and mal eos a IG & STUDY FROM: SHAKSPEARE.. BY AN ENTHUSIASTIC AMATEUR BERFORMER, scientious artist, onerous part of that eminent eecle- siastic, Friar i apparently less i a -s personages in xe | lt PEARR’s dramas require as muel; nay, more study than is demanded by the impersonation of his lead- ing ters. They me that I could do what I liked with the part. I did so, and the result was—a Creation. I soared above rehearsals, and worked up the part from my own interior consciousness, and several consultations, with various learned authorities. B lone ane ae methed my representation of the amiable, but ambitious Friar, p admiration and, astonishment among my. envious fellow actors, ae the po —_ audience.§ he first question was, how should the Friar be dressed.* I remembered: how Mr. Coantes. Kean used to appeal to Authorities, and undér the circumstances, it:struack me that Broruer Iewativs: might be consulted with some adv for he seems to be a roving sort ‘of gentleman, running about on Friar Lawrence's. errands, and therefore not inclined towards the ecclesiastical garb. 4 T had seen the monks out walking abroad, and sever without a-snuff-box, a large old red-pocket-handkerchief, and generally a family umbrella. Herein‘said }'to myself, the audience will recognise a study, a pre-Raphaelite pieture from nature. ite! There Rage areagaim; why not a medieval monk, a Friar: Jo a Gavates speeches while in angular-positions, and umbrella; snoff- handkerchief in oper palms, with stiff fimgere widely apart? tives tate as one not. allowing: for action, and as too greatly circum- 8 my I came to the ee that: Friar Johe was no: common 9 = (by reason: of! his- liberty wherever he liked to: oblige old of a Monastery out ~poy a tour: Arjovial fellow, li like one of those “ul -of old, of whom “many have told” what a something or other race, or crew, peg arn were. ince writing the above, some days ago, I decided, yesterday morning, om him a jovial brother of a mixed character. He is out for a holiday is ‘iar Token Johm;, but the ecclesiastics of. the neighbourhood, bearing of the approach of so holy a. man, all came forth to meet him. This, you see, allows of a ceremonial,fand an po bition of archsological pageantry, for which Romeo and’ Juliet: offers, in other: , but few opportunities. ‘at, once supernumeraries; at one shilling a head’ for the and their dr flatter my brother actors were not a little astonished to see the use I.had| madé ofthe permission “ to do what I liked ‘with the part.” The simple Scene as originally written stands thus :— Act V. Scan 2.—Friar Laurence’s Cell. Enter Fuian Joum But them the idea oecurred to me, that this might be a. Friar of liberal tendencies, Velie; 1 holding | wigs and refreshments found, and when Somes 2nd, Act rs came,. 1}, J a dwell measured tones, “ Goi but admirably, and The: John. Holy Francisean Friar{!} Brother! Ho! Lateral wind. . erste be previ apo iled, for want of a the orchestra: My atte coe ‘as I on this occasion gave to the minor part: of Briar Minor t: he was a Friar Minor; wink 1d thruoht of thie fore. arte r e must’ dofor'this. Till then, farewell FOURMMEN IN ARMOUR CARRYING A SEDAN GWHATR. In which is seated Friar John. the sulkiness of Friar ae Does It was a long time before he to come on, and’ [ “4 om Hol” six times, in sudden t . ‘Wasn't ditran ' effect ? 1 The Amateurs: were actually ait. Bah! Well, out‘ I got, and havi my “properties,” my umbrella, snuffibex, I need not say with: what applause Ti was received, nor- |. descended when he did come, he ae in a most irre! spathematicien me. between his lines, and frowning upon. /, me like a demon. I tried to deliver my one q to find.a barefoot brother out,” &c., in recitative, [ reconcerted arrangement with. ts would talk on the stage, which was not ad; but on the whole, the Scene went only hope thn er all Amateurs who as GLADSTONE AND SON AT CHESTER. Tee era — voeation ; _— _ er to: knowing,, Minister and therefore, to beseech I venture, hat peel arat tie his indenture.. Tk know the young man, ra . I t who am his Father, ip. eli never. So.then, hooray, my Son for ever ! : ke Asmp— Beware of Disrazni: whem he: talks: Reform. He wants. to get into office: bye Side th &e., Laurence ot finding I had to shout appear; and irreligious manner, good speech, of

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HOW WE PLAY CROQUET AT BUDDLEAPOOR! MINISTERIAL BABY SHOW. Wz are not, as a rule, partial to the exhibitions called Baby Shows’ as we believe them beneficial neither to parents nor infants. A recent display of the kind may, however, be regarded as exceptional. It had been known for some time that a not unnatural difference of opinion existed between the parents of two infants, of good birth, touching the com ive merits of their offspring, and it was finally agreed that both children should be exhibited in public. In accordance with a not uncommon custom in the sporting world, the | registered feigned names, but there was little secret as to the real position of Mrs, KFUL and .. ToREEcouRsES. At the appointed date they Gale sgquned with their interesting progeny, and the show took place at and at Chester. Both parents have reason to be proud of their children. Mus. TaHanxFvut’s infant, “Jonn,” though small for age, evinces great liveliness and some precocity. At first there was a difficulty in inducing him to submit to examination, but at a hint from his parent he assumed confidence, took notice in a very decided way, and indeed surprised many persons by the loudness of his voice, and the peremptory way in which he signified his wishes. Mrs. ‘HREECOURSES introduced her child “ Wiiu1am” very gracefully, disclaimed any merit in being the parent, and begged to submit him to — judgment. He immediately created a strong impression in his avour, was not in the least shy, and indeed has caught up some funny little words, such as “put that in your pipe,” which caused great amusement among the spectators. He is evidently a child who has been most carefully d, and he promises exceedingly well. His parent, with much tact, paid a beautifal compliment to her rival, which told well Ly the public. It was finally decided, and we think wisely, that a verdict should be postponed until the interesting young folks should have had an i gawe ge | of being seen in the Metropolis, which, after all, is the t court of final _— At present they may be considered _as Feeling their Feet. They were therefore withdrawn, TER JoHN THANKFUL exclaiming, “ Me tum again,” Master WILLiaM THREECOURSES ejaculating something which was interpreted by his delighted parent to mean that he loved all the people. With- out prejudging the case, we may record we consider them both very -_ boys, and we shall watch their future career with the greatest interest, “ PARDON ’S THE WORD FOR ALL.” —cymbetine. Tats Paragraph, from the Svar, it need not be said that Afr. Punch is only too happy to conserve for posterity :— * In the number of the Augusta Sentinel, of May 2nd, was the last printed relic of slavery likely to be seen inthe South. It was the advertisement of ‘ T. Savace Haywakp, auctioneer,’ who proposed to sell at the ‘Lower Market, on May 2nd, pet pem ig man Peter, a finished waiter, and the negro woman Lavra, a good hand.’ GeneraL Upton reached the city next day, and T. Savaczk Haywarp was glad to escape.” Peter and Lavra are free. But surely the Americans will not spoil the satisfaction with which Mr. Punch reflects that this man and woman, and thousands of other men and women, are no longer in danger of being ordered to the auction-block. There is a “ finished waiter” called Davis, who, having finished, waits for the end, and a very good “field hand” called Lez, whose hand was in many a memorable field. Surely there is such a word in Jonnson’s Dictionary as ‘‘ pardon ”—we are certain that it would have been in WEBsTER’s, had Dawnret lived till now; and we are equally sure that if Sasrmawn be consulted, the word will be found. Our cousins will see that we are not interfering, but are referring them to American authorities only. In the old days slaves were sacrificed on the tomb of heroes, but let not heroes be sacrificed on the tomb of slavery. A Drop of Consolation. Mr. WHALLEY was very uaheogy all day on the 8th, because Dr. Mannine@ was being consecrated Archbishop of Westminster. But the honourable Member cheered up on reading in the Glow-worm (new evening paper) that the consecration was performed by Dra. Uxta- THORNE, of Birmingham. “ Mannine is only a Brummagem Arch- bishop, after all,” said Mr, Waatiey, and went, comforted, to his tea. POLITICS AND ABT, Ir is remarkable that in view of the _— ing General Election, no eminent Photogeapher has put hi fe with a proposal to represent the people.

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Page 265

Juz 17, 1865;)

See Ne eens eaten eee PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE ROYAL ACADEMY EXHIBITION. (BY A CRITIC WHO COULDN'T GET IN.) R. Puxon,—The present Ninety-seventh Exhi- bition.of the Royal Academy is said to be the best that we have had formany years. This may be so, but'as I have made three attempts to get into the West Room, and failed on each occasion, Lam nob in:a position to offer an opinion cn that int. peut although I have not seen the pictures, I have seen much that has interested me. Gifted as L-amwith a powerful imagination, I had little difficulty in persuading myself that the groups and incidents I witnessed at the entrance and in the lobby were, in point of fact, so many objects’ exhibited, and [ have attempted, generally with success, to identify them with the

of visiting the Academy is infinitely more agree- able than that which involves wading through a surging mass of voluminous petticoats, the pro- prietresses of which claim the privileges of ir own sex, while they push and struggle in the manner of the most uncouth mem of ours. Moreover, I have found myself on each occasion to be completely free from that hideous — or rather epacademic, the Academy eadac e. I was much struck, on reaching the building, with the work of art I have sketched in the margin. Curious to learn the meaning of that quiet stolid determination which characterises the features and attitude of this stalwart soldier, I hunted about him for a number by which he might be identified in the Catalogue, and after much labour I contrived to decipher the figures 542 on the heel-plate of his rifle. On referring to the catalogue I discovered that this work of art'was the design of Mz. PorwreR, and was christened Faithful unto Death. It represents, Mr. Punch, a stalwart soldier of Herculaneum, who, having received no orders to quit his post, remains faithful to his duty, while the city is being ually destroyed. Observe the dogged determined expres- sion with which he watches the approach of a hideous doom. I noticed .a star on collar and accoutrements, and on referring to the catalogue I found that, in accordance with a recent regulation, it was intended to indicate that the work of art was sold. I shed a tear for the-soldier of Herculaneum {much to his surprise, for he asked me if I was unwell), and passed on. My attention was next arrested bya remarkably = rarrarvt uwro striking group on the steps leading to the entrance. DEATH. By some mistake, no number was attached to it, but this was quite unimportant, for the group told its tale so completely that I doubt whether I should have taken the trouble to refer to the Catalogue, even if it had been ticketed. ‘The subject of the picture was evidently, Sleeping Satyr Startled by Nymph, and I have no hesi- tation in expressing my pleasure at this recurrence to the classic eubjeets

SLEEPING SATYR STARTLED BY NYMPH. er popular in the days when Art was in its most legitimate stage.

Catalogue. I assure you, Sir, that this method | '

T passed on to the entrance of the building, and here I was struck Oateuene artistic power Faplayed ja Now 509, which, on referrin ¥ = my Catalogue, I discovered to be, Whi i tae & pe congregation, » AD, 1742, PAY HERE. Seer sere Nia throng around him, strug- gleand strive to get at him. ‘The good man takes no heed of the an umult, but with a placid smile ig his ex- pressive continues his Inatetired nook:on the left side of the enteance, I remarked:avery curious study. It is remarkable, as you’will see, for a grotesque power,»which is quite after the y Maups and Marianas-with which our exhibitions 0 ‘Mooded. I e to No. 98, ene 1 foumlase-solmnage to my Cata- WHITEFI(ELD $ ue: * . : 5 E50 MOORTIELog, abe ta, Wmellé to the Abiay «f Bierevelle, Lom. the expression of ‘mingle awe and admiration depicted in the countenaneesof the © Father Su of the © A and his subordinate. “The y of Chiaravalle is, < as’we all know, in Lombardy, but as thedaring Artist has | represented Abbot witha IE ptr it ismot improbable that was an importation from some-monastic establishment in southern Switzerland or pmodern Savoy. , I was much pleased with an amusing sketch A. Lewis, in t haughty old Gardinal, in “the senrious “eoclesiastical costume of the fang is’ eflectintipanah off

old he

grotesq with the stately grace of the Nymph. ue clumsiness of the Sleeping Satyr is artistically contrasted COLE, THE LOST NUMBER.

VISIT OF CARDINAL POZZOBONELLI TO THE ABBEY OF CHIARAVALLE, LOMBARDY, IN 1750. Ma. he satiate vicinity of the work I have just noticed. The picture is described in the Catalogue as Zhe Last Number, but this is palpably a. misprint for The Ton "Wumber. ni. 0 is abou tok ~ Sout from (say) the Academy Exhi- bition, and on ‘applying for her parasol that she has mislaid the num. is in charge of the umbrella and parasol office. either the the umbrella has a number, they must arily be ean te It is accordingly handed to the young Lady, who gazes at the hideous for her delicate parasol. with agenteel horror. that me,

Naturam Expelles Furca—Recurret. (Translated by a Gentleman who has Married beneath him.) Vatnty my look says “ Fork”—my wife Into her mouth will put her knife.

LEAVE BAD ENOUGH ALONE, (To PRESIDENT ANDREW JOmNSON.) although no Ironclad, your My pear Sim,—Because Wuxes Boorn murdered Apramamu Lin. is no reason ‘why you should murder Jurrenson Davis, trusty Monitor, Pounon, 247

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CHARIVARI. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON =P [Jon 17, 1865, iy a “ \ oe — ib We ih aD | | 4 I PAYAL aa a THE MAIN QUESTION. Girl. “ Any ust or Mz Wartine?” Boy. “No; I onty came Yestenpay Morninc, anD arn’t Hair Fut ret.” NO EXPOSURE FOR USURERS. Poxcu, Your friend, Mr, PaTeRFAMILIAS, who has sons at Oxford or Cambridge, was doubtless pleased to see the letter from “ Five Freshmen” of the latter seat of learning, and the article relative thereto, on the subject of “‘ University Usurers,” in the Times of the Derby Day last week. The suggestion that we money-lenders ~~ to | put down by the Press, was probably highly gratifying to that respectable old gent. _I dare say you virtuous public writers thinks your ’re a going to come it over us like you did over the Quacks; though I’m glad to see that lots of country papers still publishes their advertisements in spite of your teeth. But we defy you. Expose our operations, or practices as you call them, as much as you like. Tell how we discount a bill, and renew it from time to time with interest received in a few years quadrupling the Ber, sam, still to be paid. Explain all about our sending circulars to undergraduates, and canvassing them like wine-merchants or tailors. That won’t hurt usa bit. The boys we does isa sort of spooneys that can’t put this and that together. They ain’t the gumption to apply anything whatever that’s told ’em only in general terms, even if they reads it, and they reads nothing but the larky and spicy bits in the papers. General observations has no more effect upon ’em than they has on the mind of a female. Talking about usurers and their doings, don’t put ’em up not in the least to such as me. But tell them that Ammnapas is a rascally usurer, an extortioner, and a scoundrel, that charges 60 p cent., and advise them to have nothing to do with him or else they ’ll be cheated, and give ’em both my name and address, and they’ll under- stand that. There you has me, like Detector had the Quacks. But that’s just what you daren’t do, thank the law of libel, and the judge that lays it down, and the jury as takes it from the a mouth, and the barrister whom the most noto- rious rascal of us all can always hire. Iam, &c., Shark Street, Tune, 1865. Morry AMINADaB, P.S. The gratitude of we money-lenders is due to the iy Seana Member as counted the House out on the Second Reading of Sm Cotman O’LocHien’s Libel Bill. Bless him! I trust his constituents won’t forget to return him again. PROGRESS AT HIGH PRICES. We ’re rejoicing in old-fashioned weather, A. 2. — in a new-fashioned day ; 4 I or worse, altogether, Than the Past that has vanished away ? Less than we our p poor age than they In construction, And we make much more But we have to pay very m We’ve re d a vast load of taxati Meine ut price rises on 0 wbaymhen duty ia taken off ten.” 0 is cheap ; and supple Tedie-vebber ys Sei ent eed “4 But now fowls are nine shillings a couple, And beef’s more than a shilling a pound. There is cheap stuff for claret that passes, ut good port’s inaccessibly dear, With regard to the drink of the masses, You can hardly get any good beer. The cigar that at t nce was sold, Cau’t be had under double that figure ; While it costs twice as much as of old, Neither better the weed is, nor bigger. Ways and means of investing your cash At much profit, once few, now are many, If you’!l just run the risk of a crash, ith the chance of not getting back any. Rate of interest higher youll find, ou take no account of faturity, Nor WELLINGTON’s maxim in mind, That good interest means bad security. There are railways, increasing old towns, ‘orming new ones round every station ; But they ’ve cut up the fields and the downs, And disfigured the face of the nation. And there now is a project on foot To make Oxford ma By a Factory, smirching with soot The grey piles of that fair Alma Mater ! Manufactures and arts, be ee fruit, Have extended, but refuse deliver, With the sewage of towns, to pollute Every once crystal streamlet and river ; Bleach the herbage and blacken the air With the foul acrid smoke that they vomit, Which you, but for its hue, might compare To the tail of a pestilent comet. They have poisoned the grayling and trout ; They have nearly destroyed all the salmon. Thus it is, with high wages, no doubt, We are paid for the service of Mammon. To our new ways, advanced on our old, _ Some advantages, doubtless, are owing, We are getting a great deal of gold; _ Very well, but oh! where are we going? FASHIONABLE MOVEMENTS. (From the Zoological Gazette.) Tue Elephants residing in the Regent’s Park packed up their trunks last Saturday, and started for their favourite waberind plane, namely, the big pond, at the back of their residence. The two seals have been receiving company last week as usual, but, in consequence of the heat, they have under water more than usual while receiving it. __ At the Cattle Show at Hereford, by order of the judges, the pigs were supplied with a quantity of mire, and were all invited to a Competition Wallow. The frog who would a wooing go, having returned after his honeymoon, has been handsomely entertaining a select circle of friends, who have joined happy couple in a nightly game of Croaky.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON WE ICCNT AOD oe at et Ahm me ae CHARIVARI. THE DOG SHOW. (A DUOLOGUE BETWEEN MR. AND MRS. CODDLE, OF ISLINGTON) . Date, Sunday night, June 4th, 1865. Time, 11°30 p.m. H; Joserx! is it fire? do Get out, and pull the-blind up: ‘aight all be-barnt witesyon it there, aeetanie goer mink up! ere were twenty burg ou stir—y: i ake or you #0 say would . 7 “ Batlgers don’t live ingests?” I knew You d-eatch up at. myowords, ©, : ‘2 dust as well aware you Badgers q °T isn’t for this voneait ie ali roth Yonge Atal 'o “ »”» Your power as le oe “ Churchwardens can’t do much?” ‘But they Their brains with smoke and grog daze. What? “ Every dog must have his day?” You’re joking. I hate dog-days. Joking on such a subject !—thin! Should, in this.sultry her, ANECDOTE OF JOHN PARRY. a How: do'youdo?” said.a.célebrated wit, meeting Mz. Jonn Pappy, on _, Rowthis novel inquiry Mx. Paxny replied, with the utmost self-possession, well, ca “That's well,” said the wit, with equal promptness of repartee. “ And are you singing now?” “No, Lam's i : to-day sung ‘Mrs. Roseleaf’ for the six hundredth time, an IT may say.” * You may,” said the wit, thoughtfully. He was making a desperate mental. i it came. “ I—I—hope it will be; as successful as Mrs. Roseleaf was—deservedly successful— good morning, | struggle for another epigram, and at last old fellow.” * T am not an old fellow, but he meant well,” said Mr. Jounw Parry, after And he went on to Mz. German Reep’s Gallery of some consideration. Illustration. You had better do the same. g. now,” replied Mr. Parry, smiling, “but I have the last, And I have rehearsed a new song, to be called ‘ Recollections’—musical memo- weather, These horrid dogs refuse to drink, And all go me together ! “ Tt only lasts four days!” Well,.I’ve ny of it in one day. » “ They ‘re shut on one day,out of five ?” Their mouths, though, ain’t on Sunday. Ah’! there again! I’m sure that it inate ou oug ry And signed by-.all the neighbours. a in . . . well, this "won't last.avweek .. . uder A NUISANCE IN NEWSPAPERS. To the Editor of Punch. Sm,—The following paragraph, extracted from a newspaper, exempli- fies a practice of which I wish to complain :— -_ “A special train, running at the rate of sixty kilometres the hour, will hereafter convey in thirty-four hours to Turin the passengers and mails arriving at Brindisi from Alexandria.” Now, Sir, what the length of a kilomdtre may be, I have no idea whatever. Of course, I know that it is a measure consisting of a} T thousand measures, but how long is each of them? Nobody can tell without a table of French weights and measures, with their English —— at hand. Our newspapers are continually publishing details which contain the words “gramme,” and “kilogramme,” and “litre,” and “hectare,” and soon. What do they mean? I wish you would tell Maz. Darsy Grirriti, or somebody in the House of Commons, to introduce a Bill for compelling your contemporaries, whenever they employ those terms, to give the wei or measures corresponding to them, by our own s acco; to WALKINGHAME or By this exertion of your unquestionable authority, many aman who, although possessed of some general *“* With Verdure Clad.”’ In .a notice. of Medea, so successfully performed at Her Majesty’s heatre, a contemporary states that— “ The Band and Chorus covered themselves with laurels.” Has Birnam Wood, then, come from Dunsinane to the Haymarket ? To be shaded with laurels from the glare of the footlights must certainly be rather agreeable this hot weather. But, fitter place for perhaps, a) such an operatic novelty would be Pappy GREEN'S.

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A SIGHT FOR A FATHER! Appattina Symprom oF Earty Depravity In our Extpest-Born !—our Here !--AcciDENTALLY REVEALED TO US THE OTHER Day. In FUTURE, THAT Boy SHALL NEVER STIR FROM HOME WITHOUT AN ATTENDANT ! LETTER FROM A SCHOLAR. St. Simon’s College, Pierhead, Beotiashire, Dear Mr. Ponca, Ws are having our Examination June 14th, 1865. now, and all of us are in an awful fank except Perman and Sweater Major. Some of our fellows “s that old Ginezr (that ’s our Second Master) has told Perman what ot of the questions are to be, w ich is beastly unfair, and JonEs panched his head. for it yesterday. We are quite sure it’s true, because e has renee him ever since he sneaked about the 5th Form fellows, latheri is (L mean old GincERr’s) boots imag fo ‘ ) one Sunday, and none of the e him, because he is > = stingy, and won’t subscribe to anything unless he is obliged to by the rules. So, if he gets a prize, we are going to make him “ run. he muck,”. and "Tomkins and | have knotted our handkerchiefs jolly hard, ready for it. Sweater Major pony a bad sort of fellow, o: , he never comes out to football or cricket, and works in the out a goes R's garden instead, and the fellows in a wax by saying the Doctor gives him’ sixpence a week to do it. We had our Latin paper on Monday, and it was a beastly hard one. The fellows say, Gowen set it, and he only came this half, and is awfally strict, and won’t let us do our work together, because he re it’s just | g, as bad as copying, which is a beastly cram. Well, first of al we had to translate Ode'15, Book i. of Horace, SwEATER Major says | construed two bits awful, and has been chaffing me no end about getting a licking from the Doctor, so I want you to tell as SWEATER says. This is the first bit: “ Mala ducis avi Gracia milite,” and this is how I did it : = house of your grandfather, which Greece me whether it’s really as bad domum, quam multo repetet “ You are drawing apples to will seek for again with a arge force of militia.” SwaTER says it’s all wrong, but I don’t tere it, because Tomxins and I looked all the words out together. Then I said that “ Pectes Cesariem” was and I know that’s all right, although that “Thou shalt comb Casar;” conceited ass, SWEATER, laugh at it. Then there are two questions I want to ask you about. No. 7 was, ‘‘ How were the horses of Apollo harnessed? Give’ your a for your answer.” I said they were driven and’ quoted “ TANDEM Cenias ‘precamur . .« augur Apollo.” » No. 12 Have you any reason for believing “that Charon was an ill-tem man ?” I said, ‘‘ He had ¢o cross the Styz so often that he became as. ‘ cross as two sticks. tas I hope you’ll lét us know next Wediiesday, because Tomxrns and I; have ordered a Pusch, and there ’ll be three tarts gone if you don’t. Believe me, dear Mr. » Panel, yours truly, GuLity. P.S. Don’t you think a ought * go halves i in the stamp for- this? He'says he oughtn’t to PROBABLE OCCURRENCES, Txe Lords of the Privy Council had a séance yesterday at a table: with Mr. Hum the Medium. bind Bishop’s Eleven will play the Judges to-morrow at Lord’s Cricket ‘Christy’ Minstrels gave a performance last evening at the College of Site Peace Society has deputed its Secretary to shoot for the Queen’s Prize at Wimbl bledon. Dr. Mannie, the newly-consecrated titular Archbishop of West- sineiet, has been invited to read a paper to the Anthropological Societ The "ieee Ball of the Society for the Conversion ‘of the Jews will take place next Monday in the large room at Exeter Hall. ELECTION INTELLIGENCE, WEsTMINSTER is not usually ch - pugilism, but its inhabitants are now determined to have a good M PS ee a ee , eR im the tm the County of Miadlesex. and Frederick of No. 11, Bouverie i) ot d Street, in rte tha Preeoet of Whitefriare, City of Londom, and Published by thom at Ne. Wiest Btrect, a the ot bec tee Cay

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RIVARI. THE HANDEL PARLIAMENT. Q IC sumus iterum—or, less classically speaking, “here we are again: ” four thonseul palates and more than forty thousand listeners, all pre- pared to take another turn with Hawpgn. To those of us past thirty, it hardly seems three cera have passed since our last festival. But he years are as fugacious now as in the time of Postumus, and they fly away the faster the older we grow. The Fiandel Parliaments are triennial, as everybody knows : this was one of the five points in the charter which established them. Another point was that the Parliaments should al meet at Sydenham, seeing that its Palace is me dra in England big enough to hold them. Eauality of districts—in the orchestra, that is— was allotted to the singers, and no property ; j ( qualification was required in the electors, that deans (| 2 ta i) is, in the hearers who elected to be t— ait | ) OA) * further than the money which ys! paid for their admission. od one who has a half-guinea about him, may ily obtain a seat in the Parliament at Sydenham: and what he hears in the three days there will be far better worth listening to than what is heard in any three months in the Parliament at Westminster. There will never be y at St. Stephen’s as old Han- DEL’s, even were Mz. Wuatizy to sing there every evening. Unlike the gentleman in Shakspeare, Mr. Punch is ever merry when he hears sweet music: but there is far too much of wisdom in his: merri- ment, for him simply to crack jokes about the Handel Festival. Buch music as our HaNDEL wrote, inspires a kind of “awful mirth,” which is more enjoyable than simple mundane merri- ment. The pleasure that one feels in hearing his grand harmonies, not merely entertains the min but raises and refines it. Hanpg1 said he to make men better by his music; and surely any one who listens to such sermons in tones must feel the nearer heaven for them. Sneer as sceptics may, a religion must be heavenly to as such heaven-born strains as those of the After sentiments like these, Mr. Punch need aly say that, among his other gifts, he is -~ with an ear—with two, in fact—for music, t is not re cord who is similarly fortunate. There are people in the world whose relish for sweet sounds is limited’ to those which are extractable from codfish. Yet even they, if they wise, will go and take a turn with EL. At the festival forthcoming there will be:much to please the eye, and not the hearing merely. A deaf man and a blirrd one alike may find some pleasure in it. The sight of that vast orchestra, when filled with its four thousand, is quite worth a yo to Sydenham, for it is not every day one sees half an acre of white waistcoats, When the Parliament assembles, the honour- able Member for the kettledrums will take his Zy) seat in front of them, and will be roe no doubt as a Curr of the old block. The Members : ; : for the ophicleide, the trombone, and the trumpet will all be seated near him, and kept somewhat in the background, ‘as le with much brass about them always ought to be. ‘The front seats will be occupied by Members who intend to play first fiddle in the Pecliament, just as the front benches are occupied by those who play first fiddle in the House. For the maintenance of order, Mx. Costa will preside, and, like the Speaker, lead the voices, while himself remaining mute. Any one who fails to catch his eye at the right time will be pretty sure to “catch it” in quite another sense. Above him some half mile or so—for one cannot speak with certainty in such a monstrous orchestra—a seat will be retained for the harmonious Brownsmita, who perhaps, by way of interlude, will have his organ-bellows blown by the Harmonious Blacksmith. How Hanpgt would have loved to hear his music played as we who live now hear it! Two hundred were, in his time, a large body of performers, and who would then have dreamed of hearing twenty times that number? Yet this is how we now serve up the “ roast beef of music,” as Hawpet’s has been christened ; and when the four thousand all burst forth into sound, and “the many rend the skies with loud applause,” surely no one more than HanpeL would have enjoyed a sitting in the Handel Parliament. fi f OS ROTOY N y Sailing Directions for the Bark of St. Peter. The Test of all Tests. How to assure safe voyage and quiet quarters Axovt the assault on Oxford tests, Unto St. Peter’s bark in English waters, Why make such a commotion ? No wiseman here? “ Try Mannine”’ is the ery :' Seeing the Bill would Oxford make “Tf that don’t answer?” “ Then New-manning try.” A very Land of Gos(c)hen. VOL, XLVI,

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. owe 24, 1865, PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. ONDAY, June 12th. The Lords __re-assembled, and the Haru oF Denrsy demanded what PRESIDENT JOHNSON meant by declaring that ¥% merchantstrading with the still blockaded American ports were pirates, when at the very worst they could be only smugglers ? Lorp Russetiallowed that it was a curious business, but said he believed that the Pae- SIDENT only intended to frighten people. By the way, t complaints are made of the way in which Lorp RussELL mumbles an- swers and statements. Why does he not go and take a lesson or so in elocution from D’Orsey or Mr. FREp. Wesster? He fills a | it very important that he should be faithfally reported, butt & ould to be impoceible it very im ¢ that he si ail reported, but*it is sai impossi! to report him, Punch will be obliged to give him instruction if he does not mend his utterances. " : Union Chargeability Bill. It was The Lords then took the Second Rooting of the moved by Lonp GranvILLg, and seconded by Lornp Broveuam, whom we and the Lorp CHANCELLOR were exceedi happy to see in his place again. The Duxe or Rutianp opposed the Bill, tried to refer it to a Committee, which meant the throwing it over. But the Peers of England declined to withhold justice, and the Second ing was carried by 86 to 24. It went through Committee later in the week, after a condemnatory protest from Lorp Kixespown, whose epinion, it being one entitled to respect, we are sorry to see cppeeed to a good measure. Punch adds that the calm and decorous way in which the Bill has been treated by such of the “territorial aristocracy” as dislike, it, contrasts with the noisy bitter- ness of the “country party” below. 4 q Commons treated themselves to a battle on the Catholic Oaths Bill, and Sir Hoven Carrns proposed to restore thetvow never to injure the Church. DisRaELI was compelled, by the necessities of party, to support the amendment and to make a speech. Being obliged to say something, it occurred to him to prove that attempts on the part of the Catholics to get rid of injustice might do them because such efforts would set the Protestant mind in arms against Popery. This, anda deal more, the best part of which was Mr. Diszastt’s evident disbelief in the utility of oaths in ‘reference to political and theological matters, made up an address which may) not have been very acceptable to the extremely Protestant. Sim George Grey asserted the right of the Catholic to perfect equality, Mz. Wairesipe declared that we were going to break up a solemn compact, and Ma. Horsman answering that the oath of 1829 was never intended to be permanent, but was devised to quiet the alarms of foolish people who were afraid of Catholic Emancipation. Both sides put forth their might on the division, when Str Hueu was defeated by 166 to 147, majority 19 for relieving the Catholics from an offensive oath. The Bill went through Committee later. Tuesday. Moved by certain ony railway accidents which have occurred, Lorp Sr. Lzonanns introduced a Bill for. preventing railway people from locking both doors of a carriage. On the Committee on the Bill for amending the Public House Closing Act, so as to let compositors and others obtain refreshment, Lorp RepgspaLe was good enough to prescribe for the class which complained of existing restriction, He said that it was not good for persons to take refreshments just before going to bed at three or four in the morning, and that it would be better to go to bed without them. Perhaps, on the whole, Eaglishmen safely be trusted to settle for them- selves the — proposed to be settled toy Aa DESDALE. Lorp DonovGn- morE asked whether their Lordships, after a late debate, would like to go to bed without a sandwich and a glass of sherry? Altering glass to bottle, we share his indignation and subscribe his protest. The CHANCELLOR made an excellent speech in support of the Partnership Amend- ment Bill, showing that Lonp Mansrie.p, in 1775, was the author of all partner- ship evils. He gave an erroneous decision, and the lawyers have woven a net-work of chicanery around it. Now it is proposed to brush all away, for as Lonp West- BURY said, the common-sense rule, in matters of commerce, is Freedom. Just our own feeling—we consider ourselves free to order whatever we like, and free to pa: for it whenever we like, and we are glad to find our principles sustained by suc high authority. We are also glad that the Bill was el a Second Time in spite of a groan from Lorp St. Leonarps, and a moan from Lonp WENSLEYDALE, and that it has passed through Committee. | Decidedly, the speech, which of all the of the Session, has been most interesting to a Londoner, was delivered ye in the Commons by Sr WituaM Faaser. He brought before the House a graphic statement of the hideous state of the streets of London. Badly paved, badly lighted, badly cleansed, the Metropolis is a disgrace to the world. London is split up into parishes, and the meanest jealousies arise. A vestryman opposes the improvement of a street because it would give an advantage to his rival in trade. The paving of one side of St. James’s Street is different from the other, and this is because each side is in a different parish. As for the slush after snow, it is simply horrible, and we always hunger and thirst to roll our vestry- men in the mess, for their F and for their reformation. The fact is, that all the two-penny local autho- rities must be cleared off, and the Metropolis must be con- signed to the Metropolitan Board. Let us do for the London parishes what we are oy | for those in the coun’ —spread the area all over the Province of Brick. We should not wonder if this were done next Session. Sim —— Gazy intimated that it was the right course. eantime A debt which we're happy to pay, Sir, We owe to Sim W. Fraser, And we hope that M.P. Will be present to see The parishes all swept away, Sir. Does anybody wish to know the points of a so-called de- bate got up on the subject of the Belfast riots? Masor O’Retty attacked the Magistrates. Sm Ropert Pee. admitted that they had lost their heads—metaphorically. Sm H. Se ee oe and described them as angels, an or who Harrogate as a of archangel. Mz, Wuatiey contended that the Orange- men had a right to sing “ B ater,” and was invited to execute that ditty hi but did not. After much wrangle, the House refused further inquiry, by 132 to 39, and then refused Harbours of Refuge a2 1to99, + Ms. B laimed his intention of bringing on his Ballot motion, but thinking that he could not do jus- tice to the novel subject at 12.20 p.m., declined to go on. He might just as well have proceeded—some are only useful to fill a bill and play the people out. : Mz. Locke, less scrupulous, moved the Second Reading of the Theatres Bill. Sra Georce Grey advised him to Mz. | Withdraw it, and move for a Committee of Inquiry next year. If he gets one we shall attend, and favour the Com- mittee with our opinion of all ‘our theatrical friends, dra- matic authors, managers who don’t send us boxes enough, actors and actresses, and the profession generally. Berkevey, who had been taught a silly antithesis about theatres and pothouses, was savagely laughed to scorn by Mr. Locke, who said he knew who crammed Mr. BeRKeLeY with that flippancy. Dr. Brapy also opposed the Bill, which inclines us to think that there must be some sense in it. However, it will not pass, and the whole ques- tion, which is a large and interesting one, must be looked into. The debate was adjourned. Wednesday. The Bill, moved by Mr. Goscuen, for abolishing the Oxford test, was debated. Mr. GuapsTonE opposed it. After a discussion of some interest, the Bill, which is intended to let the Dissenters take the degree which gives a voice in the government of the University, was by 206 to 190. There is a House of Lords above us. [Omnia sub ictu mors habet. A singular and melancholy incident marked this debate. A young nobleman, of great talent, rose to speak at half-past two. Oae hour earlier, he had, without knowing it, succeeded to the title of an elder brother, who had expired suddenly. The speaker (Lorp Rospert Cacri) had become Lonp CRANBOURNE, heir apparent to the MarquisaTE OF SALIsBuRY.] Thursday. A new writ was moved for Coventry, a seat having been vacated by the death of a great and good man, Sm Josern Paxton. What kind of a successor the Liberals of Coventry have selected for him shall be judged by this extract from an address by the favoured candidate, Mr. Mason JonzEs :-— “And now, this evening, when all nature is auspicious, in this vernal season, when our great mother has put on her loveliest robes, and crowned herself with flowers, when all nature is rejoicing, and when that summer moon hangs suspended in the eastern sky, as she has for these 6000 years, singing as she ascends, ‘ The hand that made us is Divine'—under these auspicious circumstances, with beauty

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eT Rta ee ey She aie Nee Pats Nae Ey ore Petar ye REA ey ss K ‘ 4 Se Poe oe * ea Oty TER A a PRS srs 4 3 ees ROTI SS ee CRS wakes A : MMe eee ‘ ; aioe eee es ieee D Ee sae r: - June 24, 1865.) PUNCH. OR THE LO CHARIVARI. 253 above, with calm around, with harmony and peace below, let me thank you for | and elaborate ex of the ridicul sd your kind attention, wish you good evening and pleasant dreams. foolish comapepaions | by foolish cdc a chased Fe genet _Is it not lovely? How the Commons will hang, breathlessly, on such | and called on the divine talk. e long to hear the maiden eee. Mz. Carp made a good speech about barley, but Mrz. WHattey was not asked to sing, “ When theftee and happy barley Is smiling on the e.”” After a Malt-Tax. (the of which we will publish in a supplement, if bers of twenty years’ standing) and the getting a business, Mz. GLADSTONE an- nounced the i fact that Lono Mon TEac.ez, joie Srrine Ricsg,) | ; was going to from the office of Comptroller of the Exchequer, on a pension, were exchanged. : Sm Fr Bill went into Committee, and various y SOME ing accounts of their views of the character how she in her innocence might be deceived by Man, \ Man got the worst of it when pretty Woman as with private instructions to cry at the right j was i told @ piquant story about a fair Circassian who gained the being shiver i im very diaphanous raiment. Mr. penn from a rgnal victory over the Philistines eonvietion of the hie having for once expressed sympathy with was so mutilated that Sin F. Keuuy wi Friday. Loa» Waernsts, for once, did good service by a long angelic nature of Woman, } | Episcopal Bench to interf The B ° DON said that unless there were an amendaaiiili of the rubric, th Talon the — could {do little. But why does not the Bench initiate the desi reform? Do they wish laymen to re-edit the Fine Book e Four persons were bit on the previous d. ) Grorce Gury, 7 by Ma. Dash pe ‘thet the i Pad Comigd to seater dogs owe ze a dangerous, a circumlocu- ion answer. Do dogs i i ice i eon y wy sl 0 int 0 go mad give police notice in ly On a Dockyard debate, ‘Mx. SeELY moved a resolution that it was inexpedient to appoint ignorant naval scone of the dockyards. Valour does not i a ehin: . Lorp Patmerstoy, of course, that were profoundly skilful, as well as pret valiant. On the first division Government was beaten, but on s , second Mr. Suzty’s motion was rejected. Rosa Bonnevr receives the order of the of Honour Emrexor or France, who calls to deliver —_ te ar ue Lorp PaLMenston does not think that the eivil and por wb en a the Bath should be united, lest soldiers and sailors should a distinction which they would share with mere civilians. The week concluded with the farce called the Ballot Motion. 1 was ed the two .. with- Ma Boner Se ool A oge who have parts in it part of Mr. Panacea, an diy cynical as Mr. Trustee. By Lonp Patmerstow 3 118 to 74 the spectators that the farce should be shelved, he } " ‘ A PRETTY PUZZLE. “Now, Deas, I ser you ANYTHING YOU CAN'T TELL WHICH IS THE FRONT OF my New Bonnar?” BEOTE WC GH SS x b Ww HES WN ~ “1 he en cy THE VENGEANCE OF THE STOMACH. (4 Song of the Whitebait Season.) Om! give me not more work than I can Or, by the laws that rule this kingdom, . sure as you ’re alive I’ll punish you, Embitter, and abridge your mortal span. First, I’ll protest, rebel: in spite of that If you load me with more than I can bear, The superflux I ’ll have put down in fat, And spoil your figure for you; so beware ! Neglect this warning, and, with gross abuse, Continue still my powers to overstrain ; Well, then disorder I shall next precee, And put you to uneasiness and pain. T’ll send redundant blood throughout your frame, And stuff you, pursy, panting with distress ; Repletion shall suffuse your eyes, inflame Your cheeks, your labouring heart and lungs oppress. Too much, too rich, yet go on taking in, And I will brand you, so that men may see : I’ll throw out, in eruptions on your skin, The messes you ’ve ingested into me. With me your liver, too, you make your foe, And we will pay you out in pretty style, What indigestion is we ’}I let you know, : And make you understand what ’s meant by bile. a Headache, vertigo, noises in the ears, __ Congestion causing pressure on the brain, And palpitations, qualms, and spasms, fears Of worse, for which all physic will be vain. For these inflictions, and for more than these, If you keep overworking me, look out ; Expect particularly that disease i Known as the stomach’s great revenge, the gout. At length, unless you put on me no more, But to my last remonstrances attend, There’s dropsy or paralysis in store, There ’s apoplexy for you—and the end. A Strange Millennial Machine. Iw the eourse of a late debate in the French Corps Léyislatif, M. Kervecuen mentioned the recent invention of an “ infernal machine” at Toulon, which, he said, rendered useless the construction of iron-cased vessels, and opened the ‘prospect of perpetual and universal .. If the prospect of universal and perpetual peace, opened by an infernal machine, is destined to be realised, that infernal machine is a devilish good thing. Now go, with measure share the civic feast Or wisely dine at Greenwich or Black But if you choose to make yourself a beast, And me a slave, you see your way, that’s all! Leeat Query.—Is there any precedent for a good prac- tical he being styled one of the Judges of the Land? ody SRY: ee ae as ie Sg ee etatap hen ips! - sy ant ae e Dito Wee gS gh ita NS al i eae

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DM GENTLE Old Gentleman, “ How Caarminety teat Youna Lapy sines ! Us witH ?” Lady of the House. ‘Ou, tT 18 BY MENDELSSOEN.” Old Gentleman. “ An! Onz OF HIs Famous ‘ Soncs witHouT Worps,’ I supposz.” (Morat.—Young ladies, when you sing, pronounce your words carefully, and then you will not expose REBUKE. Pray, WHO COMPOSED THE BeautiruL SonG SHE HAS JUST FAVOURED unmusical old gentlemen to making such a ridiculous mistake as the above.) doseph Parton. DIED JUNE 8ra, 1865. Beak him hopefully and humbly, through the genial summer weather, To quiet E’nsor graveyard, where the dead have flowers around them ; While titled and untitled, Lords and lowly, weep together,— Hearts with scarce acommon tie but the love of him that bound them. Needs but a simple tomb-stone, with birth and death carved neatly, And no hollow-sounding praises of him whose work is past. His monument is elsewhere—in those Chatsworth gardens stately, In the far-off Crystal Palace, where the world looked on him last, The yeoman’s son, the gardener’s boy—still true to his vocation— He won a worthy master, who prized him at his worth : For grand designs that came to him he found, or made, occasion ; And lived to sit at great men’s feasts, but ne’er blushed for his birth. Let him sleep almost in hearing of the many-voicéd fountains He loved to turn and tame, and make his fancy’s bidding do: Now dancing crowned with rainbow, now adown the mimic mountains Dashing in crests of foam, now wreathed in figures quaint and new. Let him sleep almost in breathing of the many-coloured flowers He loved to tend and trim and train—a gladness to the sight : On his grave still warm and wooingly drop down the summer showers ; Bloom, field-flowers, bright around him, in the pleasant summer light. No gentler life, no truer heart, no quicker, keener brain, E’er closed, or ceased from labour, than his that lieth here : Long they "ll talk of the “‘ Grand Gardener” round Chatsworth’s fair emesne And many a hard hand, at his name, will wipe a well-earned tear. BULL DOGMATISM FOR THE DOG DAYS. Somesopy has specified, as a possible example of the expressive power of sound, music descriptive of a man’s going abroad, and chang- ing his religion. Ds. Mannine’s Pastoral, just published, may be culated to suggest to some eccentric composer a combination of quavers and crotchets representing a man’s going over to Rome; but there are passages in that address rather likely to check any Romeward movement, and to invite the exercise of the musician’s skill on the theme of a man’s remaining in Popes and abiding in the Established Church. The Pastoral for which the British Public is indebted to Dr. Mannie contains the following passages :— “It is surely by a dispensation of the Divine Head of the Church that in the heart of the nineteenth century, when both the intellects and the wills of men have reached an excess of unbridled licence in matters of revelation, of morals, and of politics, that the Vicar of our Lord, the teacher of all Christians—as the Council of rence | entitles him—should twice in these last Spey have spoken with the voice of infal- | lible truth. . . . The Dogmatic Bull of the I late C ption, and the Encyclical of last year, will, we believe, mark an era in the reconstruction of the | Christian order of the world.” According to Dr. Mawnine, therefore, belief in the Pore’s political | principles, particularly as they regard religious liberty and freedom of | discussion, is equally obligatory with belief in the “ Immaculate Con- | ception,” or any other dogma of faith. The errors condemned by his | Holiness, in the Syllabus annexed to his Encyclical, are, in fact, so | many heresies, which everybody who persists in will be dished to alt eternity. Now, any gentleman, who may think of changing his religion for Dz. Mawwine’s, knows what he will commit himself to by that step. It is to be feared that this knowledge will not tend to | remove the Protestant prejudice which has refused, throughout England, with the exception of one constituency, to return a man Catholic Member to Parliament.

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“94, 1865.] IN CHARIVARI. ——— —————————————— ANECDOTAGE. | he infant is a boy. Jones Serna into Farrance’s mq other day, in hopes to see some one who would congratulate him o new honours. Nor was he disappointed. The wit Bobinson wea there, taking some Punch a la aw J ones calls himself an ‘Srigieal writer—and. steals. ahiss, *? said Robinson. * Why et Bedford ?” Sa hwy an “ He will be called Paul Jones.” ‘aul Jones was a pirate, * At the Zoological Gardens last Sunday afternoon there was even more than the usual crowd of pious persons eager to admire the eran of creation, es y when man into costume. Jenkins Ae his friend Tom dressed their best (according to their a lights) sauntered e snore up to the witty Lady Blinking- who was seated near the orogpins®. Most d said Jenkins. tfal “ They deligitt 777 the eA said her ladyship. Hil. Which, by the way, reminds us of a still better thing. Widgery Shattock has lately been elected into the United Grunters. it was who dit that he would be black-balled. He thought so himself. Those who did not keep him out have a crime and a blunder to atone for. That is their affair. He attends morning, noon, and night. The men think he is dead | Pi when ney bon seen him only nine times in one day. t club this is,” he said, in an accession of simple hapones, rey Domitian Spiker, the critic. * It would be, du¢ for the members,” said Domitian But Widgery is too proud and happy to understand this. IV. ingles has produced a new piece at the Frippery. @Between our- selves, all the world does not go to see it. Perhaps all the world has bad taste. -Jingles would say so, and he should know what bad taste is. Bat — goes every night, and laughs at what he supposes to be his own jo He is very fat, be it remembered. The other evening, pretty Laura Taggleton, who makes much of a bad part, was acing her best for Jingles, and showing her talent, and Sine add, her ancles. ag ag saw Prodder a few stalls off, and leant over to him. I see my own creation vivified so charmingly, I seem like sy said Jingles. e os ee “a Malion,” said Prodder. v. ” eal has? many good qualities, but he does not always pay his Tf his creditors do not complain, what is that to us But they do complain. or called on him on Tuesday, and pressed for something on accoun! Tluker’s indomitable good temper would have melted an iceberg, but could not melt the tailor. “ “he must m~ ¢ nd a large amount on Thursday, Sir,” he said. Do so, and lend it me,” said Fluker, “and 1 will pay your small but ¢ Madame wid, voi trade has its own t lirtington does not pay so regular] iotied Medame. ts VL ee P Miss Fiirti to see her di onal ker ften indeed. suppose that aff te iter, Madame _ toh Neate her are bills for a i ty croquet with the Hazelporter girls on the lawn Mx. Poncn has been asked by a variety of Correspondents, who, on mda’ the strength of a fortnight’s sojourn in an English hotel in Paris assume | _ He pat hie slam into his o7% and Mpermunsh os | he on ooo manok better a taste for French literature, Beat | sink Smeg py bomen without hy nding an atrocious s oe. rolled in’ Anecdotes, like those which make Le aro, Le Journal te po oa excellent Hazelporter “calls it e, we have no —so and other delightful Parisian borin 80 spiritual and so in- righ Pail to-day.” said J .” He has been looking at the intellectual productions in} ¢ mend S acked y, said Jopp — ‘They appear to his English mind to be the merest twadidiay i hes ed saucy Maria rere ? ay saps In a — by are ory Re ine vn. in some coin or other. But as he scorns ies has made an arremgement oa." tie Boolish ious Man to sup aol lish, pics - ction la om Poet ‘28 — things, at least the ectiene taheed omnis only, (with apologies) another little flavour, very dear to the Echicpable peta ns and d patronesses of EMOISELLB ng Weazel, his sepa “ phe ay ony gods and men Srocetian he neat — 4 ag ot admired in ~ British inca ea *~ io tends to take an inte resin auch au ach aights. pre- oun with commen e@ promptness, sen in the follow- iar eoubinenen ot aa attes emacs, of coun, bel laid in England. was being duly anatomised, and lectured on, when it * Light the gas,” said Dr. Jonzs—we all know Jones—is a ie’ “Yes,” said Bleat, “ Tusow a ile light upon the subjedt:” I It by ofl that a Aeieeeeienil trek cars Chitin raditions. but one that the young oor pape 8 handsome man, Mademoiselle ? ” That is, for sixty-one. Flaps, the publisher, is a aman of wit. ' wel mas foals, me as Madame couk( desire. ealled i t nan 9 Why?” Do not let me run t 4 rink of hanes way beni ins iat The youn ds afled ta Bicest; sho ena e e young in —— Grenadine’s bul ~— y, who writes what met — Dronesby, who is not young, wears men. * How in the world hot your beard 80 black, said ge “* Well, I don’t ne =e tel Waid Dronesby. “I dye it. oot ily dear follow,” said laps, “do you think I would ear fellow,” sai “do you think I would publish any- thing confided to me by you. ou amt know better.” y m ee obliged * You may cielo going into wana on Friday.’ The SER and has appealed to his Sovereign. tion: what the do to others. Neverthe man apply, he will ago that t putting it, and that Ma. Lavano, the other the British captives in Abe aust said it es * to deal with, and one req is just the mischief of ry we the mee Jord O-— wants his onto g iat Parliament. L-—, who is a born fldxeur, shudders at the ies a a allament io to nendand oummiee ae Lord C—— is considering the argument. A “ROUND MAN” ently A square man a round man is, the following ad The fe dea to not rh who —e the “ Circular Sawyer prot ep orca trad on ee iy? to them, men ver e “xn al 2 whatever ious, wo funat thet ahovid the efficient have only adopted a round way it really is all “‘ on the square.” A Slight Difference. ht, in answer to an interrogation about ~~ a most difficult — and circumspection. tion requires, is citcums Fersigh Olies hatianglaged an itt i cameo to do anything at any given date or hour of the ent has its fixtures. “ You have no ambition,” ny oe his father. His father lnnghed outsigh tot Consett GPs anascs paternal | is father laughed ou 0 of the rav; ove had made in his cheq: hel - oe ay father. a T am serious. The comme paying © one’s debts, T% THE saying about Round men in square holes, and square men in round holes, is frequ en ‘What d probably be a Warm, a anlar SAWYER. None but efficient men need apply shia! cnoular of ——

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Le, 7 7 | Jamil 044 LEA ty tu PAINFUL MISTAKE. Short-sighted Visitor. “Mrs. Bouncer at Homz ?” Housemaid. “ You a Gentieman, Sir?” Visitor (startled). “‘ Ya-Ya-Ya-Y Aa8S—CERTAINLY.” ; that the proper manner, and that gross played ; but thay were unshle $0 abtnctt orkmainslity te aie indteutuel © Whereupon :— ‘Mr. PEELE be taken for the truth of that statement. Instructed by the Directors of The word of Mr. PEEtz the Western Railway Company, he spoke with authority. The line to which be referred taay’ bo edulblontiy bellowed “as perfect as an in Seo Boas om;” but it be Se for all that. The truth of Mr. Puxti's tovettion about its — is not at all inconsistent with the fact that, as the Coroner’s jury decided on clear evi i “was not in a fit state.” If then, the Great poe | Directors, speaking through Mr. Pz are to be credited, there is every reason to feur that ever in the kingdom is in a fit state, and th that not any line is safe. Let Railway Directors mend their way ra haga Public in the meanwhile look to their lives and Sing, Whalley, Sing. We have been requested by numberless Correspondents to indicate the song which the Hon. Member for Peter-. borough has been y so constantly . upon to sing. We beg to state in reply, that it is his favourite strain :— ' © Wuattey, WHauzey, up the And Waattey, Wnatusr, i. brae.” DaneEnovus.—There is talk in Paris of the French army Maid. “’Cos THis 1s THE Kitcuina Entrance, Sin—Front Door a .irtix | striking, like the Paris cabmen, for wages. Truly once more "IGHER UP.” LD’ Empire, c'est la Pay. GREENWICH OBSERVATIONS. Tue custom of proceeding four miles down the river from the foot of London Bridge, for the purpose of devouring little fishes fried in grease- froth, is one that every year becomes more and more attractive to the gullets of Great Britons. As the poet might have sung, if he had only thought of it :— *Tis pleasant while at dinner there to watch the stately ships, And with cooling effervescent drinks to wet the thirsty lips : "Tis pleasant the eleven plats preceding it to munch, Then with undiminished appetite the crisp whitebait to crunch. While sitting in the cosy chairs of QuARTERMAINE or Hart, one envies not one’s honourable friends their sittings in St. Stephen’s. A seat in Parliament is more expensive than one at the “ Trafalgar,” and the dry talk that one hears within the House of Commons is far less — music than the popping of champagne corks or the gurgle of — cups, with which, while at the “Ship,” one’s ears are sweetly tic > A dinner down at Greenwich is so popular an amusement, that many people will be interested to learn that Harr’s and QuARTERMAINE’S are soon to be united, and become, in trading phrase, “the same concern.” It is said the same concern will be shown at both these hostelries to the comfort of their guests as has been previously mani- fested ; and, for an assurance of this, it is hoped that the chief manage- ment will be confided to the careful hands of Mz. Lawrence. This gentleman has long held the command of the “ Ship,” and all who there have known him have the knowledge of his aed been a most-efficient captain. meng an omelette souffiée, Mr. Punch most heartily detests all sorts of puffs: but to say that a person is efficient in his business, can be hardly deemed a puff. M not a chef: and althou he attends daily to see his whitebait served, he has no hand in the ing of it. Else, haply Mr. Punch, viewing the R. LAWRENCE, be it noted, is a manager, | If coming union of the QuaRTERMAINEs and Harts—the Greenwich Moa- tagues and Capulets—might be tempted into making an apposite quota- tion about good Fryer LawRkEnce. AN ISLE OF WIGHT COUNTRYMAN IN A CLEFT STICK. Ou! Pity a poor Islander as can’t make out how he’s to vote Without a turnun of his sleeve, if not a turnun of his quoat ; There’s Srweon Liberal, Locock Tory ; which to poll for of the two? *Cause I must choose the Roman Catholic if I dwoan’t the Accoshoo. I be a Liberal, I be, to the chine; so Liberal is my notions That principles is all I looks to; doan’t regard a man’s devotions. What ’s one man’s faith’s another’s fudge; to me, if ’a can sarve the nation, No matter what a feller thinks consarnun Transubstantiation. Ay, but ’ool e’re a zingle one of them as owns the Pors’s dominion, Deny that there Encyclical, and stand for vreedom of opinion, In spite of all his cusses, and regardlus of his ghostly terrors P Free ~~ free Speech, free Creed, and all of what his bull condemns or errors, To dictate all droo-out the world, whereso they can, them Priesties aim, And “ mastery or martyrdom,” says Doctor Mannine, is their game. And mine is for to try and stem all their attempts to domineer: I wants to know is this the coorse as Six Jon Srmeon means to steer P If ees, why then I’ll vote for un; to no man’s creed I’m no objecter, no, then he wun’t represent this Liberal Isle o’? Wight Elector. . I doubts if I can vote for one; 1 ben’t obliged to vote for t’other ; Darn me, I thinks what I shail do is bide at whoam and vote for nuther.

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Pe ong ts

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. sentra ater | A DARING ACT. ad chem Spent ct 7 a -

HERE is nothing strange that our English singers ing upon the equestrian stage should after a w Bnd themselves a little horse, and gracefully retire. Nor is it a matter for wonder that Anau Isaacs Muyxen, the muscular daughter of the Hebrew Caucasian Raee, should again mount her hobby and perform the barefaced act mpon the bare-backed steed. But what we are speculating upon, with much pleasurable curiosity, is how Mz. Smita intends poe out the latter portion of his attrac- tive programme :—“ Mazeppa will be performed each evening of the week, Ma. W. Harrison will appear in Opera after Mazeppa. To us it is clear that Mazeppa goes first in Mazeppa and is followed by Mn. Har- RISON in some operatic character. This arrangement will certainly relieve harrowing situations of the drama. In that scene, for instance, pb ey horse is ooning be poms me bec popey vulture : pec at the a graceful” spasm ly, the arrangemen will probably be as follows :— Mazeppa (tied on to the horse’s back, and looking as much towards the audience as ts possible under the circumstances). Again that fearfal bird ! (Alluding to the oulture.) He hovers over me like my evil (bird hesi- tates, and pecks at him) destiny. (Makes some more remarks about the fearful bird, and then, with the hand remote from the audience, encourages the wild steed to gee-wp.) Oh, Ottysxa! for thee—for tliee I would— (bird pecks at him undecidedly)—for thee I would—(exit horse unex- pe , having had quite enough of it). ‘Then, while the audience, tending, and wondering whether the bird will ever make up its mind to swoop down wy the apparentiy defence- less Menken, shudder at the probabilities of their own morbid imagina- tions, enters, up to his middle in water, Mn, known Bohemian Girl costume. Mr. Harrison (looking after Mazeppa). Ha! again he urges on his wild career ! Hie heart quails, his lips are blanched with hunger ! Sings (still in the water). N.B. We've almost forgotten the libretto, but to the best of our recol- lection it runs thus :— When other lips and 0-0-0-other hearts Their tales of love shall tell, In language which which which whi-i-ich imparts (*,” We always sang it like this.) The power it fills so well. We never knew what we meant. Mn. Harrison thinks he has, after long study, ascertained what the words are intended to convey. Mr. Harrison (still singing in the water) :— There may per-per-haps Some re-re-co-le-lection be, _ Some rec-co-le-herherher-lection be

SON, in the well- And you’ll re-mem-ber, You ‘ll re-me-e-e-e-e-Hm-be-e-er Mz ! [Zcit Mm. Hanzisoy, Then in the Scene in the Tent whes they ’te going t a in e Ww Old Khan, but car’t, the Tenor, a8 Igrd Rochester in the Puritan’s Daughter, might { Mazeppa, ot, better, might accom- EST rin es apna, Ya Co ! have at you! ” (The Aght. Mahood, one Mr. Harrison (as Lord Rochester, in a corner of the tent), stil Let others sing in praise of wine! &o, &e, i we may oougratulate the cnterpelsing Master af Onesorne THE TRIUMPH OF KINGSTON-ON-THAMBS. Revorce, O Mayor or Kinestow, shout, ye Aldermen, Foro, wang Vice Guuncnson bth dons yon go ! given judgment in your cause for you against the 4 O glorious ! Victorious ! And Thames sial/ cleanse your Town! is the Government that, with indictment oa from polluting Father Thames attempted to his bosom freely now Kingston’s sewage Shall disembogue also. A mitisanee quite unbearable slush not grown, To'gow thereto Ls Tlonoar tht mast b slot Then, a6 you’ve no prescriptive right, abated it may Tremendous Vice! St Vice ! mp meme ice

Salubrious

zB sP E (To Mr. Punch.) run his yund, although by the merest accident, that is in to rich joi assoc e rails, or a collision occurs, no matter whether a lot of Lag 7 not Because there are too many Railway Members in the House of Com- that the Railway interest shall not be too strong for them in the next. ance in the resolution to persist in that brutal project? Why cannot as unmercifully as those of i Companies of the multitude of Railway-mongers that write themselves M.P. RAILWAY REFORM IN PARLIAMENT. agp mg <a: dat tg, ing to the P. or any other great Steam Navigation Company, has the mi 8 officer, I mi variably suspended. is not the rule thus vigorously copie to pene lea ‘ L iations? Why is not the — to which officers in'the Merchant Service are subject not imposed on Railway Companies? Whenever a train gets off th are smashed, or even if anybody is por or no, let the company be subject to a heavy penalty. Way mons. Therefore nothing w can be done in the present Parlia- ment to bring Railway Directors to their senses. Let electors take care Why cannot the Great Western be forbidden to ruin Oxford with a hideous factory? Why is it able to set — opinion at insolent defi- Railway Companies’ rights of pro be sacrificed to the ividuals are to the interests of Railway ies? By reason But a General Election is at hand. Then will be the time to set all these things to rights. Different cries will be raised among different constituencies all over the country ; but if self-preservation is the first law of our common nature, have any sense above pig's, the most general of them will be “‘ No Railway Collisions!” “No Whole- sale Slanghter!” and “No Vandalism!” Trusting, for the sake of my dear life and limbs, to hear these cries wherever 1 go, believe me, Mr. Punch, Yours truly, Viator.

Rosa Bonheur, Made Knight of the Legion of Honour, by the Empress Evoanie. Wuew woman’s hand on woman’s breast can lay he cross that Eveinie gave Rosa Boyneur; Paintress or Empress—it is hard to say

(This is how we sing it.) To which the cross is most a cross of honour.

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POLIT RAR “ LH MEAL LLP DO as LAU YN a , Any = AY is nied|\ it (1H) ANY Nh \\\ ! Ki Hh i i} CITY DINNER. 7 \ | * RepuceD. UNDERTAKER ?’” Old Gent {late and breathless, producing his Dinner Ticket). “No, I’m a * Destt- | TUTE JUVENILE Dexinquent. I THINK IT says SIx 0’CLOCK——” Head Waiter (feclingly), “ Dear, DkaR! You’vE MADE A Mistake, Sir. Taat | when it is held onthe sunny side of the hill ? | DovNeRr’s ’BLD aT THE FREEMASONS’ THIS YEaR, Srp.” nny. AMS Head Waiter of the London Tavern, *‘ Ang you an ‘IncunaBLE, Srp, on a LAGRANGE’S HORSES v. SCHNEIDER'S | LOCOMOTIVES, | DE LaGRANGr’s Gladiateur and Fille de Air have won the Derby at Epsom, and the Alexandra Plate at Ascot. “A French firm, at the head of which is M. ScuNerper, ob- tained a contract for Steam Locomotives from the Great aed Railway, in the face of seven ha’ btained rails’ and lish at chi rates and of the Eng sould be sopeiied better quality than Tuat a French horse of blood and bone, A British stake should win, May raise the British sportsman’s moan, And tax that sportsman’s tin. But Gladiators, be their field The arena or the Will make inferior prowess yield, Alike in man or horse. What if a British cup or two French duffets should adorn, If e’en our Turfites’ riband blue Should by Lacraneg be worn? Barrrawnta still would hold her own, And still her balance show, Were her turf cut beneath her feet, Her star of sport brought low. Bat when the British tron-horse Before the French turns tail, When England yields to France, perforce, © Pep rer at al pens When British trading to French truck Inglorious comes down, © French metals on French sleepers stuck, ‘English embankments ‘ctown, ; Then may Brrranwta doff the crown That still her brow. environs, Her trident — and sit a slave Imprisoned in French irons ! His Last Effort. War is it impossible to get anything to eat at a pic-nic _|_ Because it’s a Balmy-side feast!" * | SAUCE FOR AN APPLEPIE. We have thought it right to publish the following letter, but it is needless to say we. do not sympat with the writer. A great house, with a great nobleman as its chief proprietor, and a small house | owned by a plebeian, are two houses. To Ponca. The Old Applepie, Houndsditch, June 16,’ Sir, Being informed by several parties that you are the great apes when wrongs is done, I take the libberty to State that having read in the Advertizer as the Prince of Wales have lately atended to open a new Tavern in Langam’ place I wrote to Marborough Palace respectf” inviting his Royal bigness to.perform simmilar. ceremony on the occa- sion of me opening of a new Music Hall atached to my Premises, wine and spiritous liquors, established 1847, and No word of Complaint from the police during those years. Sir, my req' was respectf” worded and offered to send.a,Trap for the Prince and servants and Make the Hour his own ‘only not 7 P.m., when the Public were coming in, also copy of my_ License and testymonial from 103 Parties using the House which many are old tradesmen and wold not sign what were not correct. Sir, I rect Answer from a Mr. Knowlys Declining and I ask you as between man and man why sauce for Langam Place is not Sauce for Hounsditch, and all Englishmen are equal in Eye of the law. Respectf” apolog* for this trouble and Intrusian in your valuable space, remain, Sir, Your obed. Serv'*, BaRNABAs JULL, (Licensed Victualler, since 1847.) P.S, Advertizer refused to Insert, though a trade Greivance. A party informs me that most like the Prince never saw my Letter, which | I think ought to come before Parlament, ° LIKELY NOTICES OF MOTION. ann ge Ble move for a grant of money to the Sunday Bands in ie Farks.. * , . Mr. Lawsoy,—To ask whether Government is prepared to introduce a Bill for permitting spirits to be sold by retail at stalls ‘in connection with the various drinking fountains. ~ ft re 9 Mr. Wuattey,—To ask leave to introduce a Bill for legalising the } collection of Peter’s Pence. j Mr. Bricut,—To move the of the Malt-Tax. ' i Mr. Pore Henyessy,—Bill for extending the system of Mixed | Education in Ireland. ; i Mr. Newpecats,—Bill to afford Convents and Monasteries greater f facilities of acquiring possession of Landed Property.. . . ; War-Song of the Westminster Doctor. Yz Medical Electors, vote for Mri, * And efficacious draught, and active pill. Grosvenor and inert globules both:eschew, And let him represent the Quacks, not you. - Shotten Herren. Tae Herrenhaus at Berlin,-the Prussian burlesque of our. House of Lords, has just proposed, by the resolution of a large majority, to make- both its own Members, and those of the. Lower House, liable to punish- ment, on citation before the Courts of Law, for calamnies uttered, or pee = nae in emplo br the course of debate; thus sacrificing their parliamentary privilege -—— Surely erren- | haus deserves to be called the Sclavenhaus, for these Herren are a very servile set of bloaters. by Bi , of No. 13, U: Wobura P the Parish of St. Pa in the of Middlesex. and Frederick Mullett ot 1) im the of Purifiers oe Sty ot ; “Printer, at their Office in teens Street, in the Precbancat Wuneatonn Gay of London, and Published by them ee yen } hag Bowrerie Oeetth at Be. bredes Choy London —Satuapat, Jane 24, 1366. . .

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Yi ral ‘ \ ety g — SV SSS SS SES (ae ~S »y OH, HOW KIND?! Miss GO IN, AND PUT ON GOLOSHES. Spriggs. “‘ Fuora, Lovs, IT 18 MOST IMPRUDENT OF YOU TO COME ON THE Grass IN THOSE Tarw Boots. You s#0ULD REALLY You WILL FIND MINE IN THE UMBRELLA-STAND; AND YOU ARE QUITE WELCOME TO THEM!” (The grass is as dry as tinder; and if Miss Spriaas’s feet were as pretty as Fiora’s, we don’t think she would be s0 anxious about Fiora’s health.) LORD RUSSELL’S TRIUMPH. (Zo Mr. Punch—a Retort Uncourteous.) You complain of my writing so many despatches : My inkstand you’d drain, clap my pen under hatches : Yet now that this troublesome brute Tazoporvs Contrives to out-wit, and out-bounce, and out-roar us, Gets the whole Office round into whine and hot-water, (As, indeed, perhaps, one who is styled Negus ought-ter) : Now a civis Romanus and eke consularis Lies in chains (to say nothing of two mission-aries), If youll read up the papers, and look for the reason Why this savage has thus brought Brirawnra her knees on, Forced us meekly to swallow such gross violations, At all points, small and os of the high law of nations,— Stir down to its depths all the dirt we have swallowed, The wrong that came first, and the snubbing that followed : Our presents pooh-poohed, and our offers evaded. The country, and even THE Orrice, degraded, Srern’s and LowEnTHAL’s suff’ring and Cameron’s fetter... It’s all through my not having written a letter / On the Announcement in the Times of June 20, 1865, Of the Marriage of Miss Stwe.t to Roperr Last, Esq. Tue Bride’s name first, before her Lord’s? Sure, fashions must be changing fast ; Yet it fulfils the Scripture’s words, The first hereafter shall be last. A Haxpy Joxe ror a Host.—Will you take Champagne? Don’t say no; say Ay, FASHIONABLE AMBIGUITY. Tue Post of Saturday last week says :— “ Lapy L. had her first dance this season last night at the family residence in Portman Square.” As this is announced as a matter of public information, we may be allowed to inquire, what is precisely meant by the statement that Lapy L. had her first dance? ‘To “have” a dance is, in customary lan- guage, a phrase for to dance. “‘ We’ll have a dance upon the heath,” as the Witches in Macbeth sing. In having a dance there is something that seems of quite a personal and private nature, It is one thing to “have” a dance, and another to “give” a dance; but, though we are told that Lapy L. had a dance, probably we are expected to under- stand that her Ladyship gave one. And surely we are not to suppose that she is in the peculiar habit of dancing at certain seasons, an danced for the first time this season the other night. Otherwise, in knowing when Lapy L. had her first dance, the community are as much concerned as they would be to know when Lorp L. smoked his first cigar. A Stanza from Sydenham. Tue Singers in the Handel choir well have earned their fame, That each should have, if he desire, A Handel to his name. ALL “DICKY” WITH HIM. A Great sensational newspaper paragraph was made, a week ago, out of the fact that Ma. Ricuanp BeTHEL. was tapped on his shoulder by a sheriff’s officer while enjoying the sport on Ascot Heath. His release should be headed in the largest type, “ Ricuarp’s himself again. VOL, XLVIII, DD

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Ty . _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. _ (ot 1, 1866, their eyes in leaves, but sling ‘lane of, the old fora marking ’ E OF PARLIAMENT. showing what they were, and 0 to be, and PUNCH’S ESSENC ‘ what pieces have been stolen by Sim Tunpensy Ciomsy, ny ey, red ea pe squatter sequal ani 2 CE introduced The House gave £20,000 to buy_the site te > rn3 behind the National mune a ” ; AW | Tuesday.—Nothin the Housé of Lords, Me ferment the saul tithin coe rp vite eA ish tian, | 5224-Glass was used before divisions. “The glass,” sa by thild the Star, “became an 0 ouringtly to nob over sevte) is | Orde \ amelie boil own eggs d, OF at least And, we rejoi 1 totes te to nion ill w, tained | 7) woh Bes — ion, Cuareeabiity, Pill a enor- : the Bice Brigade Fotos oy | Ve pre avers the oflcers wil be be Fire = sepoeed by Tons when passed iAWLES — Wists = aca Bag ES — compress the Mg motion which was eer , to the S a that ome be | elect that the a A present y Rio eae Sl th aeeme & man’s family every | ® : molith, and the en- exclusively tai _ but. th whey ’ niversity = tie system may be ow ape a3 _ to veoh through every lies sho Vahet of the estion is 80 that yoke Lords would it is im rena reasonable con concession. 6 shall no pass Loup Sr. not foun olie Coles for for them, but we shall ‘afllinte Lronakbe’ lovking, both doors of a railway carriage. They we own | of hich oe a Queen’s Universit ue very fotm of hi virtually an’ aol be a4 any responsiblity from the ia. Paapenicx Den dine to give Mr. Darsy inahagers would have have attributed GrirritH information as to the disposal of the Secret rh . diane Soue adam Service money. a meen stops the Way, so that General Election’s death ad Tate iy Bit yas but See 9 Bills were ag tor have béén here in conference with the Colonial | of the fatal si Ereiven 61 Office upon en pate Care, the Defences, ond other melhor, and the e deeply regret to state that Coventry ‘would not elect most satisfactory results are sree to have been arrived at. went away in the best spirits, Mr. —— G pv mynd , th Tape’ tied fi “Go, e 's The Off and the Mint 8 passed.” Lorp Sranzzy, Chairman of the Patent Laws Commission, has been thinking for three years on the subject, and has very serious doubts whether it is expedient to maintain the ate of those laws. Mr. Punch’s clear intellect cuts at once to a conclusion. e word Patent means Coen. The system of Patents is to shut up emg andinventors. Zrgo, the system i is a se -contradictory absurdity. hen you have reason for punching a man’s head, punch. ut, that done don’t seep eneng behind him and running minikin pins into him. We have had our ut Lop AMBERLEY, and should be ashamed to go on nagging, night hee a = amg his having had a little sail in Greek waters at the expense of the county, it ees is a smart Irishman, but does not quite understand the ~~ English gentlemen. Lorp PatmersTon declines to give Mz, Dansy Gairrira the control of the War Department. Cotonets Dunne and Frencu peeve the oddest grievance which two Colonels ever submitted to the House. aney see y because the ancient Irish Records are not carefully translated and published. me Freperick Peet explained that a good deal had been done and was doing in the required direction, We believe | r, that the collection is soon to be issued, with the following motto from Ireland’s favourite bard : While 's Muse the themorial was keepitig, Of all that the dark hand of Destiny weaves, Beside her the Genius of Erin stood weeping, For hers was the story that blotted the leaves.” There will also be an illustration—we aed that Danze. Mactiss would draw it— of the above scene, with England kindly ing a piece of blotting-paper, inscribed “ Civilisation,” and a peas Hraser, ly sing Equality,” and thus doing away the | © said blots on the Irish ial, page. we have been done in the matter of the Treaty with eaey taxes her exported co; — we have engaged not Mr. Huszarp thinks the Zollverein, NER Greson says that we ed such valuable concessions that we have no cause for complaint. ediemege ask simply for the sake The Ambassadors CaRDWELL dismissing them with the Canadian to tax ours. But of causing annoyance, and not in the least because we want to know—how will the account stand when the German Fleet shall be created, and the Germans want no end of coal for their hundred, terrible iron-plated monster steamers ? There was a Forest debate, and in Nx of Frep Pern and citcumlocutio quite clear that the Crown neglects its forestal rights, and that Lords of and others enctoach in all print tal We advise some resolute Member to take ep subject in the next Parliament, but to do so like a man of sense, not bab- o’ green fields, and drawing pensive pictures of wearied folks seeking to bathe 2 > Mr. Mason Jonzs, and threw’stones at him instead. Thursday. The Lords rushed through worlds of business between 5 P.M. sod 6. Dozens ¢ jaya, were shoved ahead. Our young and ervey By bald-headed and senile friends in the Government iene are very desirous to have their half-holiday on Saturd nf afternoons. They certainly ought to have it, if they wish it. For our own t, we should have thought that it was aristocratic, and and all rae! Lat _ the [ae holiday ; and. while shop- men and the like were shutting ms ee tie and perspirin and pavhey away, it would Ft er the thing to wor serenely to the end of the day toed y's the excitement among one’s inferiors. But ee our poe friends desire _ half-holiday—pooh ! termination of — business— agree with Lorp PatMeRsto: that the , serving of considetation, and we ate glad reg ryt vp _— they may be relieved in batehes—we beg or hg ment for alternate exchange of duties. byte Clerical Subscription Bill rae ser id Time. Y 5 ee out the = Clergy, eae — ex e inspiration of the Prayer e- a Se ye it. So four Archbis' = eee shone, other —— have concgcted a di ion, which are to t Sei ae a Pe ie their “ +” to the Xxix ation a Book. Seioe, ft i is eeogene A unders ner i*p as you light ht pastel ONES’S er was held that the pickled salm was Reketig Hac House “arent Oa the Bill favourably, Mz FIELD was divertingly rampant against the Catechism, the Burial Borvise, and everything else that was churehy, Sra Rounpait PatMen, & devotional au rity, explained that the Bill was I pe relieve scrupulous consciences, not to Fay J q or te nk a he measure i how. smoothly ill glided — A dissolution must indeéd be near a. Here rouse into fury over religious themes. The Second Warning, the Ap eg wer vat Bill, was given. The huge two-handed engine x Stands ready to smite once and smite to mate, more, The proceedings on claret Was vin opdindire, ana Friday were a mixture of dullnesses and formalities.

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been Spiga Ee aPu Wane 0 m rm Sais PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ANN \\OAN SS \ AN Wn AAA \\s \\ Wi 1} \ey A/ 7 A “ ‘La A\ & se VERY MUSICAL. Ohurchwarden. “ WELL, HOW DOES THE ORGAN DO NOW, MR. TWrmprms ?” Organist (who has persuaded the Vestry to have the Instrument looked to), “ THose Pepat Pirgs ARE HARDLY Rigut yet, Str, Dipn’t you HEAR——” Churchwarden. “An! Wautt, I tHovcut I BEARD SOMETHING sQuBAK/” SONNET TO A STAGE PHENIX. Ay éétress; graceful, withing, young, and fair, : d alike to pane men’s eyes and hearts; Yet thinking, if aright we read her air, wh ot so much of herself as of her parts. ; ho, under her stage-mask gives proof of brain, Whether she aim at movin smiles or teats; — Who shows no trick of mouthing, strut, aiid strain, And yet has trod the from earliest Fears ! Who in her arehness is not coarse or bradil And in her here rey not prone to snivel; this a stage Miss-TeRRY, most amazing, — ‘0 whom may the civil. ind when she her benefit next Friday, , let that be yours as twill be my day! =e LIFE AND GHARACTER ON THE RAIL, wee official Report of the Government Inspector of Ways in reference to railway travelling, con the following monitory statement :— as tlemen % M1 officers of all classés, saimcatiy vataoc'ee eee singly with b stranger of te Walbor ves tindér the elief that it is only common prudence in this manner to pote! - isk of being accused, for purposes of extortion, of insult or assault.” Thus the moral and pirical tisk of railway travellin ate about upon a par. The chances of en bones an blasted character are even. For the former of thosé chances we may thank the Feng of Directors in ing proper precautions ; for the latter, the folly and in fadioe of magistrates and jurymen, who allow evidence to be established in the mouth of one only witness, and that wi the accuser, J For Mr. Leigh Murray’s Benefit. fe (4 aay iter the fair.) i Murray’s Guide to the Continent—Mrs. LeicH Murray, REUTER ROUTED. THE news so emphatically telegrammed by Mr. REUTER of a great Russian defeat in Kokhan, turns out to bea meré Khok-an-a-bull story. AN EMBARRAS DES RICHESSES. ** AN application having been made in the Court of Bankruptcy, the other day, for the release from prison of the Hon. Ricuarp BEerHeEtt, eldest son of Lonp West- buRY, on the ground that he had been adjudicated bankrupt, Commission#R GOULBURN said he had taken the case, though it belonged in due course to Mra. Witstow A because the Official Assignee in Mr. WinsLow’s Court wasa relative of the applicant's, which would make it painful in the extreme to take the matter there,” (See Pro- ceedings in Bankruptcy, Thursday, June 22.) All very well, Mr. Goutsury, but if the Hon. Ricuarp Berueti’s case is to be excluded from all Bankruptcy Courts in which a BeTHExt, and friends of BeTuxx1, hold office, where on earth is it to be heard ? Authentic Information. By a Reform Bill, which Government is preparing, the Bisho to be excluded from the House of Lords, tnd’ their places ‘tte bo Be supplied by Aldermen. he European Powers and the United States Goverment have agreed upon a general disarmament. ~ The CHANCELLOR OF THE ExcueQueR will bring forward a supple: | b mental Budget, repealing the Income-Tax. The Porz has excommunicated the Brigands. LE BELIER ET LE TAUREAU. THE Toulonnais publishes a full, true, and particular account of a new oe nds called be Taurean. Making a bull of a ram is surely making indeed, Quer: Priase, Sir, do the Black Ball Steam Ships tak PAGE WOOD ON THE ABATEMENT OF NUISANCES. In delivering his wonderful decision on the right of Kingston to pour its sewage into the River Thames, sage Pack Woop is reported to have said :— ** Of course if the evil was of such a magnitude as in the case before this Court of the River Lea, where sewage equal in amount to the whole volume of water was being daily into the river, and scarlet fever had actually broken out, then he (the Vice-CHaNCELLOR) should have at once interfered.” _ In the judgment of Vice-Cuancettor Pace Woon, when the steed is stolen it is quite soon enough to shut the stable-door, Some Sense of Propriety. Aw unfortunate horse carries a so-called woman through an inde- corous exhibition, to please the London cads and snobs. We are glad to hear that when the horse receives his feed, the groom apologises to him nightly, on the part of the Manager, adding, with a wink, “ Busi- ness is business.” ‘The creature is too dejected to reply with a horse- laugh. It is to be regretted that a noble beast should be put to such a ase Use, The Liskearded Member. Bernat Osporne this time, badly played Ais card ; And both reason and rhyme | Couple “ Liskeard” and “ discard.” SIC SEMPER TYRANNI. Po.anp is pat down by the sword. The Empznor says. *'No dreams!” How can there be dreams, when Macbeth dered sleep ? mockingly, hath mur-

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OUT OF PLACE. OLp JaMBoROUGH, WHO Has TREATED Mas. J. To A Fortxicnt 1n TowN, TAKES HER FOR A DRIVE IN Rotten Row—TO THE HORROR oF THE ‘‘ Urren TEN!” — MELTING DAYS. (By a Moist Member.) Here the Dog-days are upon us Ere the Dog-days ought 10 be: In our lightest garbs we don us, Yet we go perspiring free, Mad dogs are so large a topic, ** Rabies ” seems all the rage : ** Philo-canis,” philanthropic, Hints at troughs dogs’ thirst to assuage, With the glass set fair and firm, Sir, At a hundred, night and day: In all senses of the term, Sir, Members well may run away. Overhead the blazing sunshine, Underfoot the scorching flags : Work or pleasure is all moonshine To poor creatures stewed to rags. In Supply the last we ’ve voted : Here’s th’ Appropriation Bill: Scilly Smrra, the iron-throated, Spent and sweltering, is still. Darsy GairFitus’ pumping-engine Siops, by summer drought drained dry: Ferranp’s bluster grows less swingeing, THushed is WH ALLey’s plaintive cry. Nature in these hints and omens Plawuly tells us what to do: t is she dissolves the Commons, Thou, O Pam, dissolve them too! A FAIR WORD FOR A FARMER, Ir it be true that a man much benefits mankind by making two blades | of grass grow where one only grew before, then it is clear that Mr, Mecat is a human benefactor. He has not merely done this, but, by admirable farming, he has made two ears of corn grow where one never before sprouted. Mr. Mecut has shown how to manure the land with brains, and has not spared his own in accomplishing his purpose. B numberless experiments, by industry undaunted, and patience well applied, he has proved that the worst land may produce the best of crops; and every one who either eats bread or drinks beer is the better for the wheat and barley grown by Mr. Mecat. . He has drained, reclaimed, and cultivated what was unproductive ground; and, by the food which it has yielded, men have sprung out of his clay, as from that of old Prometheus. ; In recognition of his services, a movement is on foot to buy his farm of Tiptree, and present him with its freehold. Farmers who have profited by watching his experiments, of course will be the first to put their names‘down as subscribers; and people who reflect upon the that he has done, will not be slow in seconding a motion so well merited. Mr. Punch has great pleasure in commending this good work; and whatever Mr. Punch approves, is sure to be successful, May the ears of Mr. Mecar’s wheat soon grow on his own ground as long as those of- Mr. Wuauuer! - May the blades of his barley be as productive to his pocket as his razor-blades and knife-blades! May he live in clover for many a long year, and ever have the luck to turn to good account his mangel ! Parliamentary Sensitive Leaf. Tse Funny figure which this leaf presents is causing a great sensa- tion. If you take it roughly in hand, or haul it over the cuals, it will instantly curl up and show you a decent pair of heels, / You may call it a delicate plant if you please, but if you mistake it for a delegate, it will fly off at a tangent or throw a somersault out of the house before you can say—BexnaL OsBORNE,

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A PROPOS DU TEMPS. Pam. “TELL YOU WHAT IT IS, MY LORD, IF YOV DON’T DISSOLVE, I SHALL!”

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All © Dicky” with Hi Alleged a Bing Treason at Stoek bridge, 12 American Flag Re-Quartered (The), 95 American News (The), 167 Anecdo , 257 Anecdote of John Parry, 249 Animated Advertisements, 18) Answers to Correspondents, 4 Answers jd eapregesesigee about Julius Cassar, 1 Anti Everything Societies, Arabian Night's eveirtaiteeh (An), 218 “As the Cock Crows, the young Cock Learns,” 60 Astronomical Notices for = 1006 82, 98 Authentic Information, 268 Awful Question (An), 146 Baxers’ Club (The), 129 Ballad by a roe vg (A), 144 Ballad Minstre 161 Ballads of the Blom Bb Banishment of the B (The), 209 Barrister and a Brother (A: tay is 136 Beer at the Opera, 215 Belated Jurymen, 81 ela urymen, ** Best Public Instructors,” 280 Big and Little ie} 128 Bird in the Hat (A), Birds of Fashion, ‘Ned Birthday of Uranus (The), 146 Biemarek's Sauce for the Gander, 46 Boat Race Im: aprompta (ape er a of the Budget (Th Brave Motto for abinetee rin 238 Bravo, Pio Nono! 117 Breach of Promise Avoided, 111 Breach of Promise for the Hiltion, 64 Brigands and Brigandesses, 227 Brother Ignatius and his Fol lowers, 181 Bull Dogmatism for the Dog 254 Bull-Fighter of Fanete tne), 16 Bull on the Line ( ¢ Butch Bumpkin and the matcher (The), 62 Buonaparte’s Gull; Burgarious Si, Of ber. of Deputies, 166 urki C) m ati Oxaane and — Critica, ow Cesar to Na “ — Fe Sag a and Potatees,” Candidates ates’ Catechism (A), 168 ——— Conjuror (A), 220 Carriages for Non-Smokers Waited, 86 Cartoons (The), 1 Case for Lawson & Co., 93 Case in the Queen’s Bench a 62 pase of Singers Civil Note (A), 222 Colenso the Brave, 138 Commons to the Rescue cris) 101 Complaint of an Old Com =o | Fast-Day ( ) itp Condemned to go to Church, § Confiscation made beg ea Consideration for the War Offi¢e At A), 217 Conversation for Five Mintites, 2 Convocation Clucking, 230 Craven Meeting (Ths), ” 1% Crawl along the Curtistone, 65 Curious Article (A), 20 Danorna and De: arti, 166 Daring Act (A), Decided Inter pntig, 60 De Morny and Dé Mortuis 122 Departure from Drink Derby Horseshoe Magnet tthe), 998 Derivation (A), 28 Dividing the Woolsack, 188 Dizzy’s K’rect Card for the “ Derby?” 297 Dock Leaves, 24 Doctor Abraham sp $1 Dog Show (The), 249 Doing it “ Like a Bird,” 85 Down with your Gold Dust, 176 Do you Burn your Letters yet? 5 Drama at Sea (The), 50 Dream of the Future (A), 64 Dressmaking made Easy, 66 Drop of Consolation (A), 244 Dublin Exhibition (The), 199 Duke's Motto (The), 104 “Dye not, fond Man” —or Woman Either! 241 ELEcTION Intelligence, 137 Elegy on the Porpoise, 84 Embarras des Richesses (An), 263 Empire of Letters (The), ons Enfield’s Good-bye (The), Enormous Reduction in he Naval Biati- mates, 91 Epsom cup, 237 Exception (An), 46 Exciting Contest at Cambridge, 198 Excuse for Exeter Hall (An), 107 Executive, Detective, and Defective Police, 70 Exercise for Ignatius, 58 Experiment in Longevity (An), 35 Explosion at Rome, 1 Extraordinary tH of Rapid Reco- very from Disease, 158 Extraordinary Longevity, 72 Farr Play for the Davenports, 102 Fair Word for a Farmer (A), 264 Faith as it is in Wostbare ls 05 a Hovmmbent Father's dew (A) 82 Feminine angi ed Fetiche Company Diatbed f 166 Fine Idea of — Fishy Tale (A), 181 Flag of the Duchies (The), 112 Flower of Trade Slang, 65 “* Flying Words,” 227 Foreigners in Ireland, 177 For the Drawing-room, 181 For the Nursery, 97 Fra Diavolo in gg 78 French Free Trade, 2 Friends of the Working Classes (The), 238 From Algiers, 20 Gas Companies, Dewars ! 97 Colenso J igment (The), 130 Geese in the Parks, Gems from the roan le 4, Genealogical General iMestion n (The Gladstone and Son at cope 248 Good News, 189 Good of the Ser’ Good Thing from the the) i Pa (A), 83 Good Word for a Good Work (A), 16, 221 Great Fall in Crinoline, 129 Great Unpaid for Bver. “66 Great a Expedition (The), 76 Greenwich O vations, 258 “*Grossly Unfair, Sir,” 229 Guide to the t coee of London, 154 “ Haber,” 185 8 Hamlet at Fier Hand and Foot, Handbook to the yoy a 215 Handel apigrey, Harmony in th 4 ht of I ce, 1 Helbs to > Yung Draatits, 187, 160 Here one — Hig et Hempstead, 75 —_— h Treason oe Homeopathy in Household Ag How Nice in Hin, 108 How They do it, 10 How to Make a Show, 51 How to Utilise the I Humble Piety of the — (The), 83 — Inte mce, 1 Iu y a César et eth Imaginary Biogra ography, 39, 39, + os {Improvement in Inauguration of the Royal 1 1 Col- lege and Hall, 231 Income before Beer, 74 pecans of Woman 149 Infallibility and Legitimacy, 83 Intérésting Information, aoe Interesting Picture Salé, 127 ayer Bo ae Proceedings, 195 Internal U 9 Iabetieheional ots, 238 International Pounding, 135 In the (P. M. “> Gazette, 130 ation, 155 isle of Wight ¢ trythan in a Cleft Stick 258 Is the Unive Boat Race a Myth? 160 Item in the American Bill (An), 114 Janvs at Loggtrheads, 234 4 ht at his Devotions, 20 V's Sisters, 40 h, and Jurisdiction, 239 Kuve of Prussia Crying (The), 98 King of the — (The), 103 L’/ AFRICALN: Lagrange’s sores v. Schneider's Loco- motives, 260 Latest Home Intelligence, 191 Latest Omen at Rome _ 177 Laureatus Loquitur, 3: | of Love under meng 2 211 Leave Bad Enough how ** Le Chant de Triomphe, Leg Leg Up (A (A), 14 ™ 94 Tank Likely N omnes of 260 uin a Leer emi (Th $8 rary ce, Locke on the Understanding, 40 L’Onglay a Parry, 14 Lord Russell’ 8 ¢ Triumph, 261 Love Lamen: 168 Lover's Gontsenits (A), 287 Mare’s Nest (A), 137 Material of Strikes Te), 155 ee for the —ye 4] ~ F for Promoting the ucation 0 wae i 49 Days, 264 vor vy thrtenes in a Workhouile (A), 22 Meteorological, 32 Mill’s Political ic, 184 Mind your own Business, 149 Ministerial Beby @ Show, 244 Model Con Modern rt of rt of fumination ~\iene ans More of Motto for Bolle i 238 Mr. Henley or on his i Back, 215 om r. 2 a poennee trical oP tae hoe Mr. Punch’s First ov Mr. Punch’s Fito ik of the 81, 15, &. Mr. Punch’s Non Possum’ M. Thiers on France andker trclghunit,it0 Musical N. 128 Musical Notes and Queriés, 135 Music Hall —a 8), 138 My Little Game, 2 7s Lord Lofty on tas Edmunds Scandal, My Son, Sir! 162 Mysterious Advertisement, 159 NaaGuerons at the ae cal al (rh, ir — s Revenge agua Bi Negro’ 's Place in Nature (The), 1 New Balladof Sir John sfesgoratay it New Landed Interest New Light et 185 New Philpeopht hical Contro (The), 220 New ca versy xb v o Ex ae ‘or Usurers, 248 No mont nor Ap hice) other | 39 Notes on the Botion otes on _— Papal Bull, 20 Not. Mate if Inglorious Milton (A), 188 Nuisance in Ni 249 Onseors of Ohta Hospital (the), 180 pn ee Sts mp Bai Old Down earns Yi Old Vriend with new ye ore one bg Operatic Problem, 18? re) E ois oat inatoente, 0 ta, rnith or 177 "Ossy ee, 6, Gas of other Days, 72 Cl Comer ben a Lady-Spirit, 192 ce, 238 Our hec: of th the Derby, 287 Our Prope oH Herald, 36 Pl

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jour 1, 1068, | : Seas | University Intelligence, 53 Ozone, 154 pom Wood » the Abatement of Nuisances, Papal ‘agreed on B Europe (The), 86 6) E "Baron's tive Word for All,” 244 Parliamentary Sensitive Leaf, 264 Parson's ' Parsons 289 Peg for some Pleasant Pegging (A), 155 Perfidious Pesth-tilent (A), 112 Ph 1 hy and Fashion, 18 > ” iloso Pictures of the Working Maa at the Royal West Exhibition, 202 Plea for the S Spider, 72 ea for x Pleasant 35 Pleasures of the Porcoie (The), 35 Police Dead = Popular Sayings, 240 Porculus —— we ga 85 Preternatural Voracity, 75 Pretty Job a Prince (A), 187 Pretty Plaything (A), 126 Private View of the Royal Academy, 196 Privy Council Problem Le 233 Probable‘ Occurrences, 250 a eng (A), 9 pe ee s eseen Baty 45 Presben f tee Derby (The), 223 4 of the Pushaody in Public Schools, 222 Publication Received for oe 29 Punch’s a: 5 Be Punch’s a £ f Parliament, 63, 73, 85, 95, Punch tothe Electors of Westminster, 156 Punch to the Prince of Wales, 115 Panishment for Bad evry had Queer Kind of Church rag Bane Question for Scientifi try Magis- | V' trates, 162 Quiddities, 187 Rattway Companies Limited, 208 Railway — x. Laan, 259 Railway Securi' Real Blessing te ye (A), 185 Reformato 1 Relief to the Pope's poor Feet, 232 Remanded to Newgate, 13. Remonstranceof Father anaes ~ treed Representation and Restoration of Poetry in the East, 118 Rhymes to Decresaing Crinaline, 1 ymes to Decreasi Richard Cobden, 150" Rosa Bonheur, 260 * Round” Man (A), 257 Row at Her + wt ‘8 ee (A), 208 Row the Life Bo: Royal Academy Exhibition Lae, 247 Ruin of the Rivers (The), 106 Sap Want of Originality, 86 Safe Man (A), 20 Sailing Directions for the Bark of 8&t. Gampis'of tage Slang (A), 149 mple of 8 4 4! Sauce for an Applepie, 260 “Save me from my Friends,” ‘222 Seal of the Confessional (The), 199 naar pevesmg 12 98 ason for Sparrow Clubs (The), 2 Secret Societies, 186 “ Secrets of the Prison House (The), 88 Sensation Situation (A), 147 — and the Streams of England, Sho} Teena and Servants, 82 Short way with . mend Bishops, 220 Shotten oy te 260 Sic Semper Tyranni, 263 Sight fora Parent (A), 159 Siilygism (A), 171 Simple Story of eg Simon (The), 216 Sing, Whalley, Sing, 2. Bir Vharles Locovk's Adtiete, 241 Slang of the Stage (The), 25 Slang of the Turf (The), 234 Shght Difference (A), 257 Smoker's Valentine (The), 82 Social Iwprovements, 34 Folicitor's Sung (The), 32 Solons of Shrewsbury (The), 18 Some Ser se of Propriety, 263 Something Sensible from Suffolk, 128 Astrology, 234 | They Manage these Things beter in Song for the Thames Salmon Preserving Society, 149 Jong of the Streets (A), 112 Sonnet to a Stage Phoenix, 263 of Father Cam (The), 148 Seisounr 8u ~ 237 onthe Army, 134 —\. ie pn 84, 101, &c. ia ai i "Shipley, 139 Taxes, Telegra, oh Clerks (The), 118 ees Temperate Means, 171 T ew Year’s Eve (A), 10 eat (A), 178 ** Testimony of the Rocks,” 233 Test of all Tests (The), 251 Theatrical Tom King, 95 Too Common Case of Distress (A), 13 Torture of the Telegraph (The), 108 To the Protestant Pu’ ic, To.the bey ae Braggarts, 25 Pals cay 156 of Gratitude, 61 Touching Tale (A), it of Tattersalls 8 (The), 166 Treat Af Swells (A), 12 Trick on Two Mints (A), 238 f A ea (The), 259 for Tea-Drinkers (A), 220 Two Constables, 217 — ome terme ta 114 ni ligation, 87, 176, 185 Une i Jble Toland d (The), 91 nmanageable Islan e), 9 Utilisation of Flogging (The), oy Youn thaw of the Stomach, 253 Im)pertinent Dockyard Query, 88 Very a—BSpider, 216 Veterinary Poor-Law, 148 Victim of f Fiction ), 19 Voice for the Voiceless ( A), 181 Watt Flowers of Rhetori: “ Wanted, a White Siere— cheap: ma} Warning of Wandsworth Common (The), 92 War-Song of the Westminster Doctor, 260 War, Sublime and — 80 4 Well dona, Dunne, 205 Whalley’s Consent to Sing, 238 Wise, Bn Geanly Se at Gp Bie met, 8 What's a wy 52 by da *s the Cue? 211 Whole feces or Noss (The), 178 Who w have Thought it? 240 Widowed Hero and a ape wanted, “* With Verdure — W. M. Thackeray, 84 Woman's Right, 87 Wonderful— Eb as Word with John Bright Bbas 189 Worthy the Attention o! Yankee Pat, 162 Your own Little Black, 88 Zootoaical Shakspeare (The), 60 LARGE ENGRAVINGS :~— A sweep ~ com Diddler 79 ry y a” (The), Glatt tebet (The) 173 Arbitration better than Emigration, 141 Back to a ee Brompton Area Sneak (The), 87 _ Sympathises with Columbia, Colenso Judgment (The), 181 Derby Horseshoe Magnet (The), 224 = 's K'rect Card for the ‘‘ Derby” (?) Dr. Bright and his ey 47 Election Budget (The), 193 Father Thames “ Himself again,” 151 “2 their Feet,” 245 edding ; or, ah Years’ Ju- Bull Fights, (1 (tm ), 17 jall- er (The Nu lus ant Caesar, 99 Threatening Notice (The), “f Telescopic lation, 8 Tormented Minister (The), 109 ‘ Vulcan in the Sulks, 119 Working Man, from the Royal West- minster Exhibition (The), 203 SMALL ENGRAVINGS :— Acapemicraws (The), 186 Advocate for Progress (An), 104 A Fortiori, 216 Agreeable Accident (An), 74 BRADBURY AND EVANS, PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS, y emer Egg (The), 50 tes p saa Rong Esq., 181 Aptenody > ” ww apt, 102 Authority (An), 178 (an Bilious ( Old Uncle and “ ” 43 “ Blood 's not Everything,” 240 Broad Hint (A), 220 Good Investment, 192 How Little Paguby Enjoyed a pu’l after ow e a the Boat Race, i, 5 How we Dine at the Art Schools at —, 75 = we Play Croquet at Buddleapoor Ingenious Youth, 228 “ In Vino Veritas,” 234 P to France has a Troubled Dream, 191 Jones’s Studio Door, 7 Last Cab at the Railway Station (The), 32 Little Fright (A), 140 Main Question > 248 Mercenary—Rath oa heme gt ard D Day's Hunting, 146 arciss' Natural I Objection (A), 154 Na ow Papa (A), 187 Oh, How Kind! 261 = Curate, or Julia’s Occupation gone, Our | Box, 60 Out of P lace, 264 Oversi ight (An), 167 Painful Mistake, 2&8 Parlour Maid and Cook, 26 Pity poor Lucy ! 92 Pleasing Announcement, 6 Poor Letter H, 16 Pretty Puzzle (A), 253 Protessional Opinion (A), 185 Proof of the Pudding (The), 22 Query? 241 Qui S’accuse S'excuse, 86 Rationalism, 218 Re-Converted Pervert (A), 23 “ Right of Translation Reserved,” 8 Rude Boy, 122 Rural Felicity, 150 Self- Toros 114 Serious Joke (A), 202 ** Sharp’s the Word,” 166 Bight for a Father (A), 250 ‘imber Drag—new Sensation for the Derby (The), 229 To AT ema Mind nothing is Impossible, To Lovers, 11 “To this all other Things give place,” 78 “ Trying,” 182) “* Trying it on,” 212 Turps v. Turpitude, 288 Me Day—Looking out of Win- ow, 70. Verbal Diitculty (A), 180 Very Likely ! 208 Very Musical, 263 Very Shabby, 13 Volunteer Review (The), 160 Wit iu the Washing Room. 30 Wondertul [nstinc: of the Giraffe, * Woudcuck’s Little Game,” 118

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