Punch 1864: Vol 47

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YW, Wee ZZ “ ff he a a yyy Yh 5 me YOu KuUvit N: LONDO PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE FLEET STREET, * 85, AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.

1864

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LONDON BRADBURY AND EVANS, PRINTERS, WHITFEFRIARS.

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- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Decemsper 31, 1864. 7; if Uf y LLY ULL Y yy / Tay y] /) 4 MMi 44 VM ett L11/ TY oy, Mz. Punon is in his Library, smoking. Mus. Puxcu in an arm-chair, knitting a Oounterpane. The faithful Toby announces “Tue Earn or Dzrsy.” R. PUNCH. Admit him to The Presence. Don’t go, Jupina. The Earl is a very delightful person. Mrs. P. No, dear, I am not dressed,—and look at my hair. Mr. P. Since I was first tangled in its meshes, I never saw it looking prettier. Mrs. P. Nonsense, you great goose. Enter Lonp Dunrpsy, with two books. Lord D. (whose quick eye catches sight of a crinoline and graceful head vanishing through a bookcase door.) Good morning, Mr. Puncu. But—I fear I have disturbed a pleasanter interview. Mr. P. 1 was merely checking the washing-bill for the week, my dear Lord. Take the chair vacated by my | Chancellor of the Exchequer. ede D. (seats himself). Some people say that there is a Chancellor of the Exchequer ready to take another chair when vacated. ; Mr. P. Do they? I know nothing about politics. (Hands cigar-case.) Lord D. That’s a little too strong. Mr. P. I assure you no. It is quite mild. Lord D. I didn’t mean the cigar, but the assertion. You, who know every move on the board, and could play the game—or six games—blindfolded. Mr. P. Only one—Blindman’s Buff. I like that at Christmas, because it compels one to feel for one’s fellow- creatures. Lord D. Very good, very good. Mr. P. Praise from Sin Huse r—that is, from Epwarp—Sraney, is—and so forth. And what have you got there? Iam glad to see that you are not too great a man to carry things for yourself. Lord D. (winks.) I can’t always carry everything I should like to carry. But as for books, a great Oxford Don told me, in my youth, that there were three things any gentleman might have under his arm—a book, a gold-headed cane, and a handsome woman. Apropos of the latter, I again apologise for having sent Mrs. Punca out of the room. Mr, P. I scorn to repay your courtesy, my dear Densy, by remarking that Conservatives have not always been so scrupulous about turning out women. [ Exit.

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PREFACE. [December 31, 1864. I ise a man who would stop a good thing because it might annoy a friend. . It is easier to make new friends than new jokes. And what is that handsome book, Harpar? Don’t make a joke about hey-day, please, Lord D. Wasn't going to. This is a copy of my Homer, and I beg you to accept it. Mr. P. “ Kings begga & beggar.” Beggar as I am in thanks, I thank you, I have also to thank you for the pleasure I havo already from a careful perusal of the volumes. Lord D, Have you really found time ? How do you manage ? . simple process of neglecting a duty when I am offered a pleasure. not hear your enemy—if you have one—say so. that you will never have the opportunity, as you do not keep company with my only enemies, me just say that I consider your Homer a masterly performance, honourable to you, and valuable to your countrymen, I you like the cigar P Lord D. So well that I shall ask you to fill my case—a very fine brand indeed. Talking of Brann reminds me. Shall we go in for » division ? Mr. P. What says the tailor? Lord D. Well, if he counted for nine, we could do the thing comfortably. Mr. P. Till he does, stick as you be. Tord D. Ah! But you talk Pam. Mr. P. By Tove, or shall I say by Zzvs, (you are quite fight, by the way, not to Greekify the names—I can’t read Lane's Arabien Nights, because he hadn’t your good sense), I don’t talk Paar half as much as every Conseryative who offers bimeelf, The first thing your men do at the hustings is to declare Parmerston the national favourite, In the face of that fact divide—and conquer. Lord D. Of course I see that, but then I wear apectacles. Mr. P. Order a Pa for your friends—green ones, if you like. But bother polities, I tell ‘you I don’t care about you have been turning to fredh fields and pastures new. Isn't AonLums pleasanter company I am very glad than the A’ ? s . Mr. Drsrartt is ry leasant company, Me. Puncn. And he is more like Acwrmnms than you remember, for he records that in earlier life he “ stood on the plains of Troy, and cutsed his destiny.” . P. Well he might, considering that it was to lead politicians whose talk is of bullodks, and to win the odd trick with politicians whose talk is bulls. There, don’t be ner Lord D. 1 was never angry in my life—but we ’re a big Party. Mr. P. Granted; but the nation’s a bigger. Goimg? Well, one thing more, That is a beautiful bit in your translation where Guaucus and Diomep change armour. Lord D. Glad you like it. I have at least given back the sense, which Popz perverted, and have made Jurrrer deprive Gxavcus of his judgment before he made the bad bargain. Mr. P. In exchange for Diomep’s brass armour, price nine oxen, Guavcus gives him a golden suit, price a hundred. I will be Guavous, pro hde vice. I have not lost my judgment, but, as you have given me your Homer, I give you (smiles sweetly) my | Fortp-Sebenth Volume. YH, y, SBsdegbeoo te ow

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Es sf —_ = Qf - — -—— a qaieinild pee ment POUR igh; gi nthe PUNCH’S ESSENCE ; Bealls, in the ae een hee t gay young Viscount CH tendi p 4 has enough to do in what is philosophically called the reflex of energy,” namely, the pursuit of pleasure. And though he ally agrees with the late Six G. C. Lewis, who said, inimitably, that “ life would be a but for its ‘pleasures,” the ladies have claims upon him which he is not the nobleman to i . What with his flower-shows, his morning-concerts (you dear Grisi, you are rg dese epee r ‘ar Cc, e at Grinnage the Etoile et Jarretiére, his po randy es balls, - “ Gyrusque, et Polka—supremus Sub mad rary bo Rogerus Eques.” to say nothing of Pappy Green’s, of which, however, he could say much that would be acceptable to many a “ dear fellow,” the Viscount finds little time for his comeioriel antes. rouge: he omg mio I nbers it, and happens to in the neigh- Indeed, his determination to re and thoroughly online. _ on seapeont “ Moszs,” 7 when * HERBERT = — alace of Westminster en the t t t edi pretty regularly of late. : 2 or To-day there was a dramatic entrance in the Commons, where as a rule a member’s exit is more. t to behold and see. Everybody, ro ory ae a Ministerial ment about the Conference, and as to what England was to do, and Mr. Disrazui led off with three solemn questions on the subject. Mn. Giapstone told him to put his ueries on he ~ next day. “ bl seat gen ge Pt can ISRAELI such questions mi roper e put without notice. “ Hear!” cried the House. Ma. Camas wished to know what Lory Russi meant saying that the! British Fleet was pre- pared for any service. Mr. Giapstone objected to further questions in the absence of | Patmexston. Mr. Fitzcxraup said that every Minister must know all about the matter, and hoped that answers would be insisted on. Mr. Darsy Gairritu, received as usual with Pcsinco ae pron aay nr none wm - he ma o- the notoriously divided on anish question, More- over, he hoped that if the Conference did not arrange Seti satisfac. tonily, England would put forth her Naval Strength. “Hear, hear!” cried a great many voices. Lorp JoHN said that it was the duty of Lornp Patmerston to be in his place— Enter Lonp Patmerston, Loud cheers, Deen Jonny Manners and Mr. Ossorye instantly set upon him for ormation. Viscount Patmerston said that when Lorp Russe replied that the fleet was ready to go anywhere, he meant that it was pre 1 for any service, and so it was. He declined giving = further exp ions, except that when the armistice should be over, the war would recom- mence, unless an arrangement were made. Mr. Briext, in a very sweet manner, said that he never asked questions, nor would he do so then, but he‘ thought that Lorp 'ALMERSTON would get on better if he would teli all he could. Loxp Patmerston regretted to be obliged to repeat, that for the present his Tongue was Tied. Later in the week, when every one knew that the Conference could or would settle‘nothing, it was announced that the patying the angses of the Premrer and the Foreign Secrerary should lormed on the following Monday. Lorp RussE.t said the recommencement of the War was the most probable event. __ The Gladstonian Bill for giving the Working Man a safe Assurance was passed, and very justifiable congratulations were exchanged ba the enactment of a law calculated to do so much good to the humbler classes. Mr. Punch hereby credits Mz. GLapstong with a large item of honour for his wisdom and courage in this matter, in fact begs Aim to receive the Assurance, &c. ' Having seen to the interests of good men, we next took the bad men in hand, and by a majority of 116 to 49 we read the Gaols Bill a Second Time. The Government was warmly supported by Sm Joun Paxrnc- Ton, a Conservative, who understands subject. WHALLEY talked some anti-Catholic nonsense, but the Brummagem Spooner was of course, not heeded. The Criminal class will discover, when this Bill becomes law, that “doing that lot upon my head” will. be a difficult feat in gymnastics, ‘ . eye After so much smooth sailing came.a storm. The Third Bill was like the third wave, in elassic reading. Mr. Giapstone’s measure for VOL, XLVII. B

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2 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. (Juny 2, 1864, improving the machinery of tax-collecting was adjudged by the! land, hall be liable ] ieee ~ be no improvement at all, og BR Ge vential | ey i for the , td oly ne HS Sets eee Say ee piliarsday Weloome to work, indefatigable old friend, Hxny UGHAM. or preven’ ri lant defence, we threw out the measure, defeating the Ministry by imprisonment’ tlie: penal P Very good. ut do you ph te 4 32 to 128. v litth ki now—that theatferneys will allow their subjects in the Commons to mia Ta Stay ea he Oomaltion ned not Svbatenen Tat ee te sual okt Ginntiki 2 Never mind,..we are rejoiced to see you in cial, it being contended that certain companies could not afford to agai, — the additional journeys. The decision seems just, for it. would The ek pee oe sate Oxee has: tons. he Print oad ae rs in the interest of an English traveller only that the extra trains eould | Fchools rimate i the it, Dr. be wanted, as time and date are no object to the Hibernian ina — an ~Aowy ered a 2 ne pet Irishman can just as wel! journey on Saturday, or Monday, next! Tony § parochial ” WiBerForc week, and Scotchmen think it wicked to travel or whistle on = = noWaidestand'the-pioas zeal” "poms Waeeeess. Dat, re Tuesday. The recent row at a Romish iy Linco! Bax. Resewu, dida’t like themeasure, ib'stands over for future dis- was discussed by the few Lords who think it w whiie to ai gussion.. We Town S add thatthe Bisnopor*Oxyrorp fell from his debates (Punch will have something to say to Your Lordships about herse im meee home after e }to promote so very reasonable this contempt of the High Court of Parliament one of these phage am object; we hope that..heewill'-seon. reeowers. The Lords can ill - is collectin: — 7> joven Peerage; not. + in OS ee spare a crack debater. for Mas uncH’s album, RD ARUNDEL our) Qn the:previousSianday-morning, the Fedral frigate, the Ke . denied the ees was entirely 9H by monk sank the Confiiddrate frigate, the > rdesige Chasbeere ace which Lonp Dersy was very glad to: hear. a settee wever, that “ thd 2 4 > ? it was necessary to hand: it over; for atime, to the Order of the man covered liimself with honour-whieh.no one will contest, the brave F Devas: Liz wetiys, the:Surgeon of the vanquished ship. we the eae wl tke og tate ara latter “ Down to tliedeeps, in doimg-well}he went.” mich aa th el to put it Eo We hoe that He-nsightlimee:been saved, but. he. refused. to imperi) his wounded by he will be attentive, = —— ie he} incressing the-number im their beat. [tis not to/the:Wiltshire clergy- scce-e ship comming. W —_ (tages on Tan weey bu man, the-father;. who’ must be so proud amid-his grief that: Eugtishmen seems more in kee wi dealt | should Futy oferecti lt with ‘by the ety = it on. day ‘when e on le pr said | ould a — ed to-night bys pine ber wiht pte ate enseif pout i int of Deblin toate toffy, rt nobody can_ te ering oe | |done brave things, Sim Jomw Hay; when asking Ciaxenem Pacer Macurge deserves much ap cnn for ed done to a| | whether Government had noted the artillery lesson to be learned from dangerous nuisance, which the ws geen oun to blow to | the fight off Cherbourg, It should be mentioned whenever there:is talk Smithereens, wherever that locality | of braver death than that met in the heat of battle. Another Irish complication, which we shal petty not unravel: 4 Jong partisan debate on Irish Bducatiow again broaght ont bitter. The Bill for improving Lrish Chancery isdisliked by Mr. Wurrzsip She cheat it or tor > di heomiael o half, amd by a vote, beat the — on some who would rather'see childzen untaught than-tanght by Government, and referred the Bill to a “le mumittee. t them it turned out that the proceedings had been irregular; and also that | Friday. The Lords talked for'a short time about the Royal Academy somebody had voted against his intention, and—but what on earth does nd this is a pleasant way of s nding an hour. The Commons had a it matter ? | Malt-tax .battle, in which GLADSTONE conquered, preventing a fi Australia sadly wants a Rowtanp Hit. On the plea that the eau condemnatory of the tax, but the attendance was not large, present rate of postage to that region does not the Post Off Office has | considering the fuss that is made on the subject. raised the charge from sixpence to one s it fhe to be fourpence | We conclude the chronicle by stating that the Lorp CHANCELLOR by private ship. Mr. Punch, in the interest both of this county and has revealed the mode in which he pro to : = with Attorneys. the noble colony, denounces the bak ns unjust, he chent isto make-a —— with t he Lewyer. Tn isevab legends ona false economy. Intercourse between us and the colonists should men are said. to have DP iequhisxetihs Cokebehagns aod 00° kare be encouraged to the utmost, and the requisite — should be taken | escaped, but it has oy bees by the intervention of some saint, and out of the large profits made on home postage. abedy i in England, | You might now'as reasonably expect to find a: policeman’ as a saint in except Mr. Punch, knewanything about Asia such an oppressive your hour of need. Such compacts are perilous, if not absolutely an@ ridiculous arrangement w: not be permi tet meet poonle, | wicked. se everybody at the Colonial Office, believe tha that yan Town is ee ee ae South} GOREN. CHILD WITH, THY RATS-TALL HAIR. a and 123 begged Ballot. Pam =e hay eee Publicity. Lrrrie Girl, thou shears dost lack, Ma.. Henwessy lamented the ings Emigration, and | With thy hair all down thy back wished something done to stop it. adie after being told | Loose, and streaming. on the-gale, there was nothing to lament holes = by ‘the carrying of the previous Like a rod, or-comet’s tail; question by 80 to 52. Or the tails which creatures wear Wednesday. Mx. Huxspann’s Bill for yormiiting folks to: use‘ the Goblin Child with the rat’s-tail hair! Metrie System went through Committee. It lies before Mr. Punch. Ty der, little Pet, It isa very little Bill, but there are some stunning” long words in the H » aon any th let Sched Omitting Dismals, ladies, we may inform you that a Go ab z paaios > fight, Mornanteni is not the metre in which Mrrtam, the Hebrew songstress, Sens soy Seay Looking like an elfin sprite, es miles and 376 yards, that the word Are is not part of Dr out with fantastic care; that when you send. nurse: to the public : - : CCR) house for a pnt of porter ( (osah con are) you are lawfully at Nberty Goblin Child with the rat’s-tail heir! | | ~ = her'to ask for « Dekalitre; that when the witch in Macbeth we h, ing “ three ounces of a red haired wench,” the old wretch might, Seared sty ope covet poe had this Bill then been Seoteh law, have demanded a Hectogram. ’Mid the corn, roy tiny Guy. Then, apropos of Seoteh law, we ‘defeated a Bill for allowing English How thou dst make the sparrows fly! Bank notes to circulate in Scotland. It seems that the natives love Then might swains the small birds spare, | that exceeding dirty old rag, called a Scotch note; and 7 prefer Goblin Child with the rat’s-tail hair‘ it to a sovereign. We do not think that it would be be right to interfere Scustunpiepeaties Oiechigtrank atqyest Np oaae soumageenad> aught bo inven t. and support it, some mg made for the receipt, from such persons, of the coms’ and paper. of Ingenuity, Thrown Away. al | civilisation. WE read that “ a maebine for washing dishes has lately bee patente ®*'A remark; in a similar spirit, will apply to a proposal to make the | in America.” If the war continues much longer, this invention will be | | Royal Court of Jersey act justly an nd hy | frantic at such an attempt, and in the oo of their despair have | that it will be impossible: to put any on: the dishes; consequently the | promised to do the work themselves. If they do-noty it will simply: be | latter will om no washing. In this sense, War may bevsaid to make | necessary to enact that no English person who may visit the beautifal | clean work | | | | | rationally, The Jerseyites are | completely useless, for the simple reason that np will beso dear, | |

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nF SF eV FEF FON Jour 2, 1864.] PUNCH, OR HE LONDON CHARIVARI. LAWSON AND LIQUORS. course-of a long walk, at the bar of = decent fpr ey ay public-house. In an po Bs altel of this description, je Mg oe , on such an occasion, whilst I was recruiting my eee hment, a member of the working classes excited my cuiealy * asking the landlord officiating at the tap for a goof “ Law- | son ;” whereupon mine host served him, with a quantity of some kind of spirit. “Lawson!” T ex “dear me, what is Lawson ? The workip man. grinned, and the landlord replied :—“ Gin, Sir. They “Lawson now, Sir. *cept 0” Sundays, and then. they calls a alt Sones’ Bran they calls “TREVELYAN, and rum Haver,’ baker the eo Pore ;’ Trish whey : and doe * Forses Phen. there s different kinds o’ beer, ‘Burton y calls * Band of Hope” and Kennet “ United Ki m Allianee ies to be sure!” said I, “and I shouldn’t won er if they were, by-and-by, to call sherry-cobler ‘ > and mintjulep * Her- | | worTH,’ and brandy-smash ‘Janez Burws,’ and timber-doodle | Canon | = Mo the names. of rpnew tienes’ i ent leaiing Re aay ol Yes, | ir,” sai the landlord, “ an ve name of | ‘Dean Crosz’ to punch.” “ Indeed, gel y te, ne think that ex- tremely probable ; or they ‘ll make the Dean a “ies: ; and it appears to me a subject of regret that the industrious orders should be provoked, by injudicious agitation, to associate, out of bravado, sepetel and reverend myer howe liquors, which, however salubrious moderate quantities, are, W en of in excess, intoxicating.” table, Sir,” er the landlord, “ isn’t it? Yours. affectionately, AMBULATOR. “ois ‘werry — Bon orth bt tw Let us—that’s you and your Mevoted Pa Punch Since there is yet some time before we Innch, Consider what was the immediate cause eyenecion, Strike— Get out, Toby, don’t obstruct the oop; Ah! you? You come here, Sir,-when I call, Dent het let “7 ae you eeverins the ball, Or with us interferin you do, Tahall be doreed-chaet that's *twizhno and yon. Lie down, my dog! now, Judikins, go in, And do the very best you know to win. Latics | ! ey, honestly, or. we can’t greet Youas the fair sex, who 80 love to cheat. The-strictest rules shall us ym Bann’d be the mode in w. most wplay, Fair when they must, and = terme when they can, This is the way that woman plays with man. Whence Grequét sprang to benefit the earth, What ha) ime birth _ ppy:garden gave the ane Ba A . ‘Bean the bene me Soon Assyuaainaetnblls, elt fe the ¢ naught, Some. spon Milage ak des yr - wi Bex, (Dennis, that deth the looker. Or Bowls, that'Dery Parsons: Or Skittles when each ole, these, or any other, to us known, Delight both sexes like i e alone ? Cricket is modern. When the earliest match, When the first skyer fell to ‘the first catch ; When first the term was used of “ keeping’ wicket,” Who the inventor, who. first played at Cricket, Who gave the names to creases, stumps and bats ; ; To short leg, longstop, point, efcef’ra—that ’s A knowled every one can get by heart. Not so Croquét, let the curious start With book and plan to trace its wandering course, Like Speke onli Grant the Nile, up to its source, Its streams run until you end the chace, And stand amazed upon the brink of space. Some think when Newton viewed the planets roll, A thonght of Croquét glanced athwart his soul : Ss —— mack ot Mars the Red, 2 e saw, comets madly spe Ifto, T wish the Mester of the Mant Had taken Thyme to put his thought in print. am, The Ground. For playing uét the best s that be, Are those ge *tis re. me and.me ; use “tis exercise nor rude nor rough, Because, in short, we like.it,—that ’s enough. Whoever will play Croquét, must first: see The Ground well chosen ; and the Booed should be A Paradox wherein ; agen ‘sophists revel, At once a dively Ground, and a dead level. No undulating surface a eat Where busy ants raise u mound ; So then to. flatten ave: °c rolled. The grass-plat should ai Sing, sing, my. Muse ! She. willmot even squeak, Well, sulky maid, au reservoir next week. Safe Supply of Infantry. In a sensible Jetter.in the Zimes onthe subject of recruiting, A Sergeant-Major very justly.observes that :— *f owing years’ 1 pecuniary allowance, with aio not a hsnjatho us wont. jeirdacen dozen recruits, but you also previde a nursery for a future army.’ : i es be sure you ido,,and a nursery likely to be well stocked with ies.

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PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 2, 1864.

‘ SS \\ i Oe er k SN WAY x “4) < \\S ~ WY SS \ SS RAW NAR — SAN 2% V4 Li Ms, 4 YY MMM “Ahhh le, WALL LG Y “ yan AY y 0, “ine OT Pty AIA Yy SY 44; / V Yijt1h& Y Captain of Company. “ Your Povc# 1s very Driery, Sir!” Private Jones. “ No, Sin!” Captain of Company. “ But I say iT 1s, S1e!

HONOUR TO THE BRAVE ! BeForE us is a very sensible letter, signed “ Beprorp Pr, Com- mander R.N., Hon. Secretary,” and dated from the Junior United | Service Club. It announces, as information “which will doubtless | gratify the admirers of the gallantry displayed by the officers and crew | of the renowned Alabama in the late action off Cherbourg,” the fact “that it has been determined to present Caprarn Semmes with a hand- | some sword to replace that which he has buried with his sinking ship.” | Further, this judicious notification requests that “ Gentlemen wishing to participate in this testimony to unflinching patriotism and naval daring will be good enough to communicate with the chairman of the | committee, ADMIRAL Anson, United Service Club, Pall-mall ;” or with the writer himself. Lastly, a postscript preceded with “N.B.” inti- | mates that, “In order to give a larger number of friends the opportu- | nity of ———- the subscription is limited to one guinea each.” This invocation will of course be sufficient to draw down upon the trea- | surer of the committee above referred to a golden shower, considerably | heavier than that which descended on Danie. It is not for a moment to be supposed that the measure of presenting a sword to Caprarn Semmes, of the Alabama, is, on the part of officers | in Her ay oy Service, any the least violation of that neutrality in | regard to the American belligerents which has been enjoined by the | Quzen’s Proclamation. In arming the Captain of the Alabama, no | offence will be given like that which was taken at the supply of arms to | the Alabama herself. If the Captain of the Kearsarge had been in| Captain Szmmes’s place, that is to say, had he fought till his ship sank under him, after having eluded all the Confederate cruisers, and de- stroyed a great ug Confederate merchant vessels, which may be supposed, no doubt those gentlemen who are going. to give SEMMEs a sword for his mere gallantry, would be equally in a hurry to present one on the same account to Szmmes’s antagonist, Caprain WINSLOW. Should the Prussians and their King drag us into war with them, and a Prussian privateer, fitted out at New York and manned with Yankees, after having under the command of a German Captain swept a great art of our commerce from the seas, get sunk by a British sloop off oston, and should that Captain be — up by the owner of an American yacht, and taken ashore, and hailed and made much of by officers of the United States Navy, and should they present him, amongst them, with a sword of honour, of course we shall, with that

Ricut aBout Facsg, anD Loox art IT!”

m applaud their generous recognition of the valour and har brave though mischievous and deadly enemy. : In the prospect of imminent war with Prussia and Germany, not only is 4 demonstration of sympathy with the commander of a Con- federate privateer highly seasonable, but, being. made in the confident assurance that it will be liberally construed by those who would hang Captain Semmes if they could catch him, it implies a delicate compli- ment to the people of the United States. We may assure ourselves that they will take it as such, and that those who intend to be parties to it had not much better mind their own business. animity which is ever characteristic of the British Public, only ood of our

A TRAP LAID FOR A HUSBAND. Prorie sometimes wonder why it is that other people do not marry ; and there is certainly small lack of ladies in the world, if gentlemen would only make up their minds to have them. Various are the ways wherein a woman sets her cap at you; and here is one which, if there be any truth in an advertisement, seems well nigh irresistible :— OUSEKEEPER TO A WIDOWER, Elderly Lady or Gentleman, or Cheerful Companion to an Invalid.— Music, perfect French, Millinery, Dress- | making, and a thousand and one other qualities, with the highest reference. | Music, cheerfulness and French, a good knowledge of housekeeping, and a thorough taste in dress, what can man want more in wife, i Ie be invalid or elderly ? What her “thousand and one other qualities may be, whether good, bad or indifferent, he need surely not inquire. | But what if this Scheherazade be given to curtain-lecturing, and keep him awake by the narration of her qualities for a thousand and one nights ? Well, bowstringing in England is not yet allowed by law; but | Sm J. P. Witpe is ready to give sufferers relief. Clearly the lady wants to catch a husband; but who of all her references will say how she will treat him, after he is caught ?

Uszrut Know.epcr.—Brimstone. Any stone found on the edge of an artificial pond is Brim-stone.

AnorHER ror Bantinc.— Small by degrees and beautifully less.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Juty 2, 1864. Ze. Aes was FOE: kre 72s a IX | Y NV i ON Jit Vinny wn ww/VV/) \\ \ \ Ww) a_i - \ saa Ww = \N \Y gt af = SAY) S505 —==555 4 JACK ON THE CRISIS. “BLOW IT, BILL! WE CAN’T BE'EXPECTED TO FIGHT A LOT O’ LUBBERLY SWABS LIKE HIM. WE’LL KICK ’EM, IF THAT’LL DO.”

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- «Jeuw:2, 18647) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARE PUNCHS. NOTES. AND QUERIES: 4’ SHAMELESS: PIRACY UPON OUR HONOURED Quasovs' Laeat Custom—Can any of your readers: inftimn: whether the following; custom obtains in any other place thm Little | @ person owes to another, andiiwill not an attorney, wh former ed is not , and I shieuld be Impreuniasus. . nv Socrety.. ‘When: retiver after dinner,.why ‘of the house flick* his is wifes. who ‘the room: last P Is ita. Png ‘copy of t romance, is. ai ‘Sir Bulwer N ; There isa ipt: in the margin of the page which describes the of the: Eyes and the Manifestation-of the Unat- : the words, written by a graceful female are Traly a i eee eee wmyee samy Psp tation, I should be very glad if she would send her address to me, under cover to your office. - Spreit-Raprer. authorities at Oxford, (or : known there) consider that ies that the ancients were acquainted sauce P GRYFFYD. PEDIGREE OF THe Smttus.—I am endeavouring to trace the pedi of the Smiths of Tottenham Court Road. I ha: i as as John: Sunith, frui about Latin is A Crassican Quarr.—Do the best asec Que bes Hontoas phrase lt Seas inp ve cel who in Holborn in 1815, but beyond this Can any of your correspondents aid me? We have a a Smith was knocked down in the Lord George Gordon a member of the family, resident in almshouses at 1 either a’ Smith (“a smart young dandy”) whom she in youth, or his friend Brown (“who went up in a came home. very tipsy after the fireworks in honour of the: ef yor ae rw me I shall be: glad. of an for a visitor to house lately remarked that she would of these fine days;. and ‘it if, Me, Smith got knighted one may be well to be prepared for Heralds’ og Samven Trappias, (Solicitor). TOWARDS SripeRs.—Can any of the co ondents of »me‘what is t to be the origin of this feeling ? i or study was rather’ p 'y enpebeenns cool on ou te uring my one day; my away, and in answer to my astonished anation from the former, except that I was js some female superstition on the subject informed what, having no animosity authors so good an example of the poet’s lined. Dominte Sampson. ExpPLanation or 4 Pormt—Dr: Watts is usually a model of good sense.. But why does he, in his‘moral song about ants, make the fol- lowing complaint ? “ These emmets, how little they are in our eyes! ” Would one not rather wish that they should not be in our eyes at all announce y very seldom get there? Perhaps the learned eee hecre gaa Somes mee passage, would no ty, for I see with plea- sure that the learned Solicitor-General exhibits a picture in this ear’s Academy, ‘and I amglad to see that % an cu zm Ys great persons grow so affable. Mevs Ocutwvs: oon 3 we Library-ab: Southend, | inal. Marcellus Zanoni. | remind him of his Pore Di some little: us withi recent; ; { es, deed to believe that the: speci the tinteshomoured “ chaff” = Hive ag of 7 and of correspondents an idea of its meaning .—Ridi original. i entrance?” [We think the criticism futile. no partner, so I went down alone to supper. by some ape 9 = ere got two wings of a towhy and a help of lobster salad, with some good pi retiring to eat it in a corner, when a manner, took the plate from i Then I saw him eating it himself: the phrase a sort of pass-werd; to if so;, what. is its origin ? Taxing a Sxenr.—A more*vulgar and’ offensive: is known as “ taking a sight” caw hardly be;.and it is used now only by the aristocracy i 7 at the doors of public-h = i by the ros een, pointing through the casement: ) did:reply, finger to-nose, ‘ My: PAawnsBRoxkeERs.—l1 am informed by speak of a .pawnbroker (a person who name of ““My Uncle.” The habits 2 interest for an observer of and should the. circumstances be known to any gentleman who reads “Nv & Q,”: he wi me with an explanation. Is this a ludicrous effort on canaille to get some fragment of a: pedigree P dread’ Sovereign,’ he race’s a menial that: the lends money on. pl * . A Dopez Dergatzp. now the rage in Society, Parricide, | find: the toning allusion. is fair bride. from him, he.gazed on. her in horror, as did: Lyeus the Centaur at the ser- pentine incarnation.” Pray, who was:Lyeus.the Centaur ? {AMBULATOR. not to be done. We cam tell yow of another; atin fis Walle to ae ee #2] Seat Morro Wawrup.—There. is in, my possession: a: very curious seal, the date of the engraving of which I cannot determine, but I shall be happy to show it to any one who will come into Cornwall, and call [A clever was an Ha! Is Ambulator on me. It is mounted in brass, the engraved substance is’ glass, and the device is.a ship at-sea, with the motto, (a corner chipped off. and a letter or two lost) vem nscrre; Could any contributor conjectural restoration of the legend ?’

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [JuLy 2, 1864, \\ t ¥ \ t Shy ‘SO ) IT’S A WAY WE HAVE AY ImmeEnstry or SERVICE.” Military Fellow Traveller. “Don’t know, I’M SHAW; B’LONGS TO THE OTHER BWANCH OF THE SAWVICE, PWABABLY.” PAWN IN THE ARMY. Mild Civilian to Military Fellow Traveller. “ Know THAT OFFICER JUST Gor ovT, SiR? DECEIT IN THE WASH-TUB. “IT HAVE given’ up (says a poor, meek, help- less husband) a: be expensive handkerchiets for some time past. Once, I used to buy nothing but the finest ch cambric, but somehow or other my wife used always, the next week, when they came home from the wash, to claim them as her own, and if I doubted her word, she would triumphantly point to the initials in the corner, and which I must say corre- sponded exactly with her own. What was I to do?. Could I refute irre- fragable evidence ? I was compelled to submit to the ingenious imposition, even though I was con- | scious that I was paying through the nose for it. However, ever * since then, I have made a prac- tice of contenting myself with the very commonest Scotch lawn—and I must say that I find I do not by any means lose so many pocket - handker- chiefs as I did before.” SEEMS TO HAVE SEEN AN| Pozice!—When is a Policeman like a Samari- tan? When he comes [N.B. M.F.T. belongs to the Mounted Branch. | out of Some area. THE CENTENARY INSURANCE COMPANY. | We understand that with this title it is proposed to start a Company whose object will be to insure to all the persons who subscribe to it a commemorative festival upon their hundredth birthday, if they then be | dead. It is generally acknowledged that everybody nowadays must have a Centenary, and people who have any fear that ey may escape having one may, by insuring in this Company, relieve their minds at | once from such a painful apprehension, and rest assured their hundredth birthday will, if they die before it, be borne publicly in mind. The chief object, however, of the Company be to provide work for the people who like getting up Centenaries, and by celebrating others try to celebrate themselves. As the daisy may feel proud that, if not the rose itself, it has lived near to the rose, and become in some degree ennobled by the neighbourhood, so small promoters of Cente- | naries may derive reflected greatness from the greater men they glorify. | Poets, whose poetic feet are very much too weak to c Parnassus | without help, try to raise themselves by clinging to some stronger | climber’s skirts. The being named in the same breath with greater | men of letters, may be thought by some to m a name of little | note ; and so when a Centenary is purposed to be kept, there is never any lack of men to act on the Committee, and have their names paraded | publicly in print. Another hardly less important object of the Company is to keep up | the supply of birthdays to be celebrated, which, it is feared, might | otherwise ere long become exhausted. It is not every day that one can | catch a SHAKSPEARE or a Burns to be centenarified, and, for want of some one better, one will soon have to fall back upon a ToMKINs or a) Smitx. Whether the prospect of being held in popular remembrance upon one’s hundredth birthday would act as an incentive to the writing | of good poetry, or the doing of good deeds, is a question which this | Company perhaps may help to answer; and if the answer be affirmative, | we may well wish that the Company may meet with all success. | * ImpeRtInent.—Amongst our miscellaneous reading, we fell over a copy of a French paper, called Le Progrés de Lyons, We instantly dispatched it, with our compliments, to Sir Epwin LanpsEER. DREADFUL MORAL DUNCES. THE Select Coramittee specie? to consider the case of Mr. | Bewicxe, who suffered penal servitude on conviction through perjury, _, in their report denying his claim to redress for that infliction, | that :— | “ They are unable to accede to the proposition that persons who have been con- | victed in due course of law by evidence subsequently proved to be false are entitled to compensation out of the public purse.” | ! Are these gentlemen able to accede to the proposition that anybody | whosoever, who has suffered any conceivable outrage, is entitled to any | compensation at all? If a person injured by the mistake of a Judge and jury is not entitled to compensation out of the public purse, how can anybody accidentally injured by the agents of an individ entitled to any compensation out of a private purse? What difference, as to claim for compensation, is there between being crushed by the error of a court of law, and being driven over by a blundering coachman ? The legislators who are “ unable to accede to the proposition,” self- evident to anybody endowed with any conscientiousness, “‘ that persons who have been convicted in due course of law by evidence subsequently proved to be false are entitled to compensation out of the public purse,” would probably have that inability removed by an unmerited subjection for a very limited period to the discipline of a felon’s gaol, which, for the stimulation of their stupid moral sense, might advantageously include several whippings. Something like Piracy. A Tetecram from New York announces that :— “* The Steamer Tristram Shandy has been captured.” Doubtless, that was because she had no STERNz chasers. TRYING WORK. THe Courts o: Law at Westminster are so inconvenient that the causes tried in them undergo not half so thorough a trial as the Judges do.

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owe 8 8S WHT WS eS Ewe Vow ee eee ‘i yworcrcrre,: “= eS ie i a Jury 2, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. by? | WHAT DO YOU WANT ? | OR; THE HOUSEKEEPER'S CONSTANT COMPANION. | NstRuCcTIVE Origin of the Curfew imthe Essex Fens,—In the time of Wiriiiam THE ConquERor, a Norman Baron having lost his way in the fens, was guided | to a place of safety by, the, ringing of a bell in a neigh- bouring village. On departing this life, he endowed a Church, | - condition that a bell should | rung every evening at. dusk; and farther endowed a man to be lost every year in the fens, imorder to keep up the illusion. Thus:im the course of succeed- i tions the inhabitants of te village have all been! lost, the Church’ is in ruins, | and the case will intime be set- | tled by the Court of Chancery. Shoes:—The History of Shoes is very’ curious. ere was once’ a-person who hadn’t any shoes, so he went and got some. The best way of Eating An- chowies—After much considera- | tion, and lengthened discussion with distinguished epieures, we have come to the conelusion, that the best way of eating an- chovies is to put them in your mouth, and proceed as with mutton chops. & Saying for care Suly. — e isn’ i ” Ce aa ei mode of keeping a cellar account, is to arrange it after the fashion of a Bank Ly Wy reemes for “Debtor” and ‘“ Creditor,’ the terms “Buyer”’ and : —If ive your Butler the wine-key in order to save yourself trouble, a ars yourself, or watch his Arie through the — Tm a. looking at you,” so that he may not be able.to | meanness. a Bin is empty, mark it down thus :—* Bin and gone and done it.” t is: not. necessary to go to the Coal Cellar every time | should decidedly count the lumps: when brought up-stairs. seuttle-full is required. But you they first come in, and check them off as they ’re ‘ , Sor Every Day in the Week.—Early Rising. Take care to rise in the morning when you get out of bed. In ing your ablutions use soap and water. Seif Creation, Social Science has at length discovered this stupendous secret of nature. Bears’ grease, bread, : butter and various preserves can be made at: home. e With a very lit uble to — a by giving a certain amount of it to others; can always make yourself at " The Trish Bopression “ Broth of a boy” is, as may be easily imagined, a relic of the most atrocious cannibalism. _ Servants:—Give your servants a holiday whenever they require one; but inva- riably aecompany yourself; thus: you exhibit your absence of pride, your affa- bility, and ensure jog are in their return. Good Game for the Evening —Cold Roast Partridge, at. supper. Drawing. — Exercise in crayons; for this you require no master, but. every morning before breakfast make a point of walking your chalks How to get rid of Stains —Go to Windsor. L Tt is calculated that there are more than three thousand people every year in the Lower Orkneys, who write for periodical literature. They receive no remuneration: for their. work, which at the expiration of every three years, is colieeted together in“so. many MSS. volumes and burnt by the comm hangman. This interesting September. Histortoad —It was Curistopuer Cotumsus who discovered the New World expenses of the Reformation. Greek form, is Jnia (tua). The as Abyss-inia. The Abyss-inions are very fine fellows. Ladies’ ‘— Gofer work. hen you want a dress, go, for it. American Bread.—Dampers are cakes with which the appetite is whetted. How to destroy Grease Spots,—Take the grease out and throw the grease pots out of the attic window. How to frighten Blackbeetles away.—Say you’re going to send for a crusher. | on ceremony generally takes place on the thirty-first of, Mark rour Basies.— of the inferior classes. which we are now inhabiting. The old one was sold by Government to pay the | become chimney-sweeps, and low-born » to inherit lordly domains. b. accil Orthographic and Vegetarian.—The plural of Onion or Inion, as is the more correct | this kind, tattoo your babies, as soon as cake after th ! best specimens are grown in deep pits or abysses| are born, on an appropriate surface. For dug in that part of the world, which is, from this ancient garden-practice, known | there is‘no peer so effectual as Dopex’s American i Marking Fluid, compares from a a from the Sioux Indians. t Street. SONG OF THE PRUSSIAN SLAVES. A White Nigger Mielovy. Air.—‘ So Early in the Morning.” How bold was we not long ago ! d we let de Sobbereign So bright seemed i So bright seenied Freedom dawning, So bright seemed Freedom dawning, But jis de oder day, We went agin de Massa’s will And kep refusin’ Bismarcx’s Bi Grumblin’ at de sogers’ cost, So him Majesty we crossed. So bright seemed Freedom dawning, &c. Cos Massa was at dat.time bent _ oe bean a Parli nt, ole CHARLES we Lose him head at last } aor ag So bright seemed Freedom dawning, &c. a when Mest us‘on de Danes, e mggers orgets: chains, bce at deir throats ws fi; chleswig-Holstein !— 3 So bright-seemed Freedam-dawning, &c. De King and Minister dey found De way to turn de e round, glory ’fore: Plander ob de Diaap likewden: So bright seemed Freedom dawning, Se. e fit and conker’dy. ten to-one; nd by de ob: Yoh! de cradles dar we shell. So bright seemed Freedom dawning, &e. More men of Denmark we’ll destroy, As well as lilly gal and boy, Glorifyin’ Brstum’s name, Earnin’ ebberlastin’ fame. So bright seemed Freedom dawning, &c. De King he tink de Danes too free; Dey ortent to be more dan we ; We for slabery nebber care, es make dem share. right seemed Freedom dawning, &c. Wi So now de debble take doit For our ole tyrant’s game-we’ll fight, Wid our head dey now shall fll id our now 3 So bright coma Freedom dawning, &c, Whatebber please de King we stand, To add male’ to Faderland ; ’ Sink United Germany, Once:a goin’ to be free. So bright seemed Freedom dawning, &c. Kidnapping.—Caution to Mothers. To prevent y be had at 85, Uyratrn!—The overcrowded. state of: our Law Courts necessitates in almost every case a well packed Jury. - y children of the Aristoeracy have been stolen by their nurses, and replaced by infants | Heirs of noble houses have thus | offspring have. grown this purpose

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——— \ SUGGESTIVE ADVERTISEMENT.—FAMILIES SUPPLIED IN CASKS AND BOTTLES. . |a whole five minutes’ course of scientific lectures, at the famous Paul-y- VISIT OF PRINCE PUNCH TO THE ART-SCHOLARS’ _Toole-y-Technic Institution; he sought some bodily improvement at the BAZAAR. | place where the xcieaeen tm show! have . = . out. te pa _. | waiting six and thirty minutes for an ice, an succeeding only Fr Fa ous Eee Puncn, ~ py indeed an mee, soll |in gra bing an ice spoon, rad Puncu oe le + oe that be e cess, with her sweetest smile, “you know we couldn’t | would be a nice spoon to wait there any longer, and so he: wisely ay Ae pm gt Ae pty Sion a pretty lady speaks, graced | RR ee 2. eT j= Areata of South Kensington k ng hw yo sae last Thursday, and opened the bazaar for the Female School of Art. “ Are these the lady scholars? they look very attractive, don’t they ?” | THE AMERICAN QUESTION. whispered ALEXANDRA, as she glanced at the nice girls in white dresses | 4 cconprne to an American paper called the Albany Evening Journal, and red ribbons, the colours of her country. “ Attractive,” said PRINCE | the practice of extorting confession by torture has been revived in’ what Punca, “Why, yes, as art-students of course, their study—he! he!— | .+i1)"« claims” to be the Model Republic. For:— is to draw. ° Bat see, this is the Ceremonial Hall that we have sane, | « Jommeon the deserter, who attempted to hide his uniform last week im an out- and here are all the cere-monies ready ‘ to be handed to your Roy a! | house on the hill, and then rigged himself up in citizen’s clothes, has been made to Highness.” While yet he spake, the purse-bearers silently pagers |own up at the barracks. After the thumbscrews had been applied, he said that his and handed to the Princess the five guineas they had paid for the | name was James Hunt, and gave the name and number of the regiment to which | pg gone. 1a Spr le take ia : P mapad ny t~ ei ta sie arto rie i head haps their Irish | you ence 1s golden. er have five guineas trom the e Yankees aj now ing a- , as per eir irish | hands of a youn lady who knows when to hold her tongue, than five immigrants ‘tell them, by eveleie the engine. One ongins to which | — - _ from ce — = =. bei LP they sears in A fe veg Sp revert, is ae ; an by ap oe to a en the Princess and her sut¢e—her sui ing sweet PRINcE | mechanism of the beneficent power of steam, they will doubtless render Fee wes ee a jonstady by six see y pocene, -_ Sy it a great iaprovenenp on ie ants ma soperais for applying ae away like -malefactors through a squeeze of starers into the bazaar. | “‘ question extraordinary.” e e am-Rack may be expecte Here she set a good example to bazaar-goers in general, for she stopped | to figure in any considerable contribution which Yankeedoodledom may | at every stall to say a pleasant word or two, and make a pretty a ‘make to any future International Exhibition. The ingenuity of the | chase; whereas, bazaar-goers in general do chatter, but don’t buy. | countrymen of GeweRat Bute will enable them to adapt steam, as a | The stall-keepers were so pretty that Parxce Poxcu soon found his| motive force, to all varieties of the more complicated machinery of | hands full and his purse quite empty; and, but for the presence of the | torture. As yet they content themselves with one of its simplest | ry riny meee, oe hang wee mae be stolen a dozen times | instruments. But at bo thay seen the Borg or to make | eas ore he le e too, too fascinating place. | prisoners “‘own up,” they will next, perhaps, adopt the “Scavenger’s | “You'll come and have some lunch and a weed, before your Park, | Daughter.” . , | won't you - said sees axes, natively. ne other Prince | SSS was adamant, even to offer, for he rashly made a vow not to} a2 smoke before his dinner; and so, after he had handed ALEXANDRA to a Posuic, pects erro Am lately took the fresh air in her carriage, he took Zoby to the Dog Show to exchange a few bow- | Hyde Park, is requested to restore it. wows with the Dog-fish of the Andes, the Colossal Cur of Corsica and some other foreign friends. Then, having improved his mind with | How to po Pzprgr’s Guost—Use the Ghost and don’t pay Pzrren. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Wobu'n Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras,in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of J ae oy of w= “an at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No. 8 Fleet Street, in the Parish of St.JBride, City 0! on.—SatTunpay, y 2, 4.

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/400 JuLy 9, 1864,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL \ \ X \ ‘ W\\Z \ \\ , = \YESS Y SSS N \\ AM) A MAN TRAP. Lady. “CHARLES, DEAR, I’M REALLY AFRAID MY CRINOLINE IS COMI Husbond (Suddenly bursting into a Cold Perspiration). “ By Jovz, Let’s Bott INTO THIS Bonnet SHor.” | th AN APPEAL TO ENGLAND. _ Ene.isumen, Countrymen, Friends !—remain no longer | insensible to the taunts which are so earnestly addressed to you by foreigners, and are so thoughtfully rs Hh up and | repeated by candid and well-intentioned and beneficial | persons amongst ourselves. Do recognise the truth that you are laughed at by your well-wishers, and let them lash into that noble rage with which their ridicule ought ong since to have inflamed you. Draw the sword instantly; never mind if you can only flourish it in the air. Level the bayonet, notwithstanding | that you see nothing within your reach to charge. Fire, | though there be no enemy within range of your rifled | ordnance, and your shot harmless, and your shells | | explode ineffectually in the atmosphere. Vhat a set of cowards you will deserve to he called if you hesitate to pit ten thousand men against only half a million ! What a nation of mean, stingy, sordid shopkeepers you will justly be styled if you sit down fora moment to count the cost of a war that may not come to much more than _ two or three hundred, and will perhaps let you in for less than a thousand millions sterling ! : : ‘ Will you be basely unmindful of the gratitude with which you have uniformly been repaid by other nations for the slight assistance which, when their liberties have been assailed and their soil invaded, you have occasionally ren- | dered them at an insignificant expense both of life and | money ! Show yourselves, for once, at the invitation of the whole world, which is solicitous for your welfare no less than your honour, capable of going to war for an Idea other than - of getting anything by doing so; indeed just the reverse of it. Do not grudge the industrious Yankees any number of merchantships which their privateers will a sailing under your enemy’s flag. Follow the example of disinte- rested, self-sacrificing, enthusiastic generosity which is set | you by almost all the other nations around you. i" Ih } } | CoMPuLsoRY ABSTINENCE.—The Maine Law is defined by its advocates, “‘ Liberty without Licence.” NG OFF.” Derrmition.—An Elevated Taste may be defined as a Liking for High Venison. [Sold. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. June 27th. Monday. It is difficult to say what took people in such , crowds to make themselves uncomfortable, for hours, in oth Houses of | Parliament to-day, inasmuch as all the newspapers had told us, at break- | fast, that the Government of the QuEEN would not go to war with Germany. But there were great crowds; and the Prince or WaALEs, with his and our endeared Princess, went to the House of Lords to | hear Kart RussE.. | Were not Mr. Punch writing for Posterity, he would add nothing to ' the above persgre h. But r all the newspapers of Tuesday, | the 28th of June, 1864, shall have become scattered and undistinguish- able dust, his adamantine tablets will be consulted for the history of ' England. He therefore respectfully apprises the Ages that on this | afternoon Viscount Patmerston, Premier of England, efatis—never | mind, but he was born in 1784—and Hart Russet, Foreign Secretary, | born 1792, delivered two of the most remarkable speeches made by | them in the whole course of their prolonged Parliamentary history. | They pe narratives of the progress of the Dano-German quarrel, | Stated the effect of the Treaty of London of 1852 (that famous Pro- | missory Note to which France, Russia, and England were parties, but which the two former signataries hint that England alone ought to pay, only Boglend doesn’t seem to see it in that light), referred to the Fede- ral Execution, and then to the German Burglarious Entry, and to the war in which Denmark made such gallant resistance to the hordes of invaders. Though both Lords were friends of the late Tom Moors, ** But vain was valour, vain the flower Of Denmark in that dreadful hour Against the German's whelming power. In vain they met os helm to helm, Upon the threshold of the realm He came in brutal force to sway, And with their corpses blocked his way.” But then Lords have not Mr. Punch’s fine memory and prompt habit | they missed a fine opportunity of quoting one of his finest passages :— | of adaptation. But they proceeded to say that the parties who signed the Treaty of 1852 suggested a Conference ; that England had tried, in | vain, to dis a previous armistice, but that suspension of hostilities was arranged by the Council which met in London. Then we were told | of the discussions, which it is of the less consequence to describe, seeing | that they ended in nothing but the exchange of polite bows, and the | assurances of the foreigners that they had enjoyed a delightful visit to | the Isle of Fogs. Denmark conceded all Holstein and near ‘be ol Schles- wig at the suggestion of England, but refused to retreat behind a certain | line, while the Burglars dackeed that they would have more. Then the | Kine or Denmark said that he would resume the fight for the rest of his possessions. The armistice, prolonged to six weeks, expired, and | the slaughter has been resumed. A We all knew all this. Then came the question, was England to go to war for Denmark ? ¢ | Lorp Patmerston said that Denmark had been ill used, and that the | sympathies of the whole English nation were with her. | But in the very origin of the quarrel she had been wrong, though she had completely set herself right. She saeahe the last demand at the Conference, though her accept- ance of it might have led to peace. France and Russia had refused to draw the sword for her. Therefore, if England interfered, she would have to encounter the whole force of Germany. ; ; ; The Government of the Quern had not thought it their duty to go O war. But if Copenhagen were attacked, or the Krxe or DenMARK were | made a prisoner, their decision might be subject to reconsideration. _ Such was the Premier’s statement, and Eart RussE.w’s was like unto it, but he added that we were the more bound to remain neutral now, as the War in America might end, and then we might have, at | any time, a rupture with a nation possessing an enormous army a | Powerful navy. ¥ ‘ | To the which speeches provisional replies were made by the leaders of Opposition. | ' ! | } VOL, XLVII. c

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12 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jun 9, 1864.

Lory Dersy wished the Lords to abstain from any immediate | Lorp Caetmsrorp, his political opponent, testified that fhe pardons expression of opinion. It would shortly be for Parliament to decide | were justifiable. Lorp Lerrrim called Lorp CaRtisie «traitor and whether Ministers had preserved the honour of England, and whether | other hard names, and got a witheringly contemptuous answer from the Continental difficulty was not the result of their weak and vacil- | Lonp GranviLe. lating policy. It is pleasing to see that amid these disputes the Commons are Mg. Disrartt had, at the beginning of the Session, condemned the | gentlemen who remember what is due to the ladies. Sim Georce course of Government. Had the Papers been duly produced, the | Bowyer wished the grating between them and the House done away House might have given earlier advice and judgment. He should| with, but Mr. Cowper feared that if this were done they would speedily teke the opinion of the Commoris on the conduct of Ministers. | exercise an undesirable influence over the Hause. What he meant e deseri Lorp Patmerston’s last words as another of his spirit-| Puech cannot tell. If their presence would encourage Members to less and senseless menaces, and thought the policy of Messas. Coppen | speak their best, and to behave gracefully,,wershould like to see them and Bricur better and more intelligtble than that of the Ministry. j around the SpgaKer’s'table, on which flowarsemight be placed. Mr. On the next day, EgrneEs, member for Leicester, did ~ more’ wo service - the : A : . g t in tom of their gallery, Tuesday, Mx. Disrattt, awid loud Conservative cheers, gave notice ap SemRenCIng eaprovemen : , = that on the following Monday he should move a. Vote of Censure. for whic eT an wil a — sim he next speaks, Mr. Kixetaxe (Bothen) subsequently gave notice of an Amend- |" Bancation of Naval Architests, and iucation piierally helped on pet teae oe lle the House approves the conduct of hie. wee abe evening. Then on the. vote £97,182 or the And now Posterity knows all about it; and is 6 propeted to study the ee noo next instalment of the history of the battle: It will be found adequately’ sedan stolen from the DUR@OP described im Mr. Punck's next number, and the historian has taken off’ thing which we prefer to give im his own-words as reported ;— his coat, and is: preparing. himself by a perusal of Narrr, Taurens, | i ‘etd Car ye, and the Fifteen Decisive Battles of the World. | * Titerary-productions ‘lad been F oinagpegt i and the last of A little fight took place on. this Tuesday, when the. Ministers: were’ {peg be bad seen.’ It was call zor te beaten, by 79. to 40, on Mr. Doviton’s that- Government ought ' had ever seen. Indeed, it was thegheesset nansense that to = ; i - keeping Fw: spaces. Ss aeiietatemae - | a A at hay ape — mouths of Ma Pee.. aw OWPER. open spaces —_ oon om C a a proposition so counter to.red-tape ideas, but ieee geal dead to) Seat on ee erence be said for it. A Select Committee is 10 consider the subject. | (Laughter.) The gentleman's feelimg-was: ; en pape ney ee npn mr GO RTI ee BE we may re very severe a Ack whic e her de so. | . Loup Russaut thinks, with Mr. Puach, that we had better wait-wlittl, |x, ater, in» debate om the, Greeie oats MlR. Lesson made a speech. | ee y as. Brazil and d ave not just now on:speaking terms. | lp 8 a ‘neat. reply the | o-night the Praxce and Priycess or Wares and Mr. Punch went’! : ; ag = Carel to the Adelphi to see the Dead. Heard, and. all three: agreed that Mix. | Ghs¥cuctos told Mi. Lreow-that-his got into W > abil alalenbieh neh ra sating‘wea sm. artistid twent, | that,state of confusion in which it generally was at that time of night. Sle aceenelile ae that. acting is growing porn all searcer. Let this mean what it might, it could searcely be described as civility If any reader does not see a ry this fact has to do with Parliament, his ‘” apociane, intellect must. be so feeble that itis not-worth while to explain the| yiday. Lorp Grey objects te the ha, a ste: going on in Japan. connection. | So does the Biszer or Oxromn, whom Bissor Punch was happy to Wednesday, Min. He 1nd on; enpteabin oopastunae of ascer. | 80 in the — again. Lonp Russen. said that all was correct, | . s - . . . errors excepted. as 2 fegishtor. "He. moréd the Second Reading of some, Bill for | ,, 12 tbe Commons there was a seat teene. "The Conser¥atives thought : — : : | that the Oxfor could noticome on’ for Thi ading wnti aanuee with the Irish Poor Law; and the House threw it out by | late, as there was Supply, arid an’ Irish Bill promising great strife, so | ; F - 7-4 || they ordered their men to be down at 12:''' But business slipped through | Teste that keep oortal ia dneeclore oat of “Oxfoed fed Univemity, went inte 'as’if it had been greased, and when the Oxford Bill came on, the Liberals : : were terribly strong, and the others not. " But thé*Conservatives talked | Qomkeiiah ant quecsineiianteneats oo pee peeve: against time, the Liberals not putting wp a speaker, and even howling | that they meant to! throw it-out on the Third inugeas they. did. down Mr. Neare, their own man, and at last on division, the’ numbers hen we went into Cotntittee on Min. Base’s Bill for relieving from | Were eaual, 170 cach way. An -avful row. ‘The Speaker gave acsstins | the nui of Street’ O thdee wha thiteh' a taisahe. Tle’ vote for the Bill, and then came the:death-question;, “ That: this Bill do sensible. men had all the argument and all the’ majorities, but a good oat 1 wy three retel a “ r— semen a 7 | deal of flippant folly was ettitted in the publie-house, servant-maid, and $9 the Tests were retained by 173 to 171. ‘The: House was perfeotly | gue a interest, pllosion being made fo ite suet pel, — iteclf.” ee see re might rT | orm the Great Punch playfully borrowed, ani idealised into a thing <a ; . ‘ . | of beauty,and.a joy for ever, $tz Joan PAKINGTON paid us a handsome aoe 3 —_ Spree rm y- ae eae amy iT Anti ams | | but rfoctly just Cohipineene dec tigy Us Both as fnstitutions of *»™ passed through Committes,.: wittr'am-Alniendment «to' the ‘0 find that this experienced effect that when we give a fiend in charge: we-can’ go with him to the | the Country. We were still more pl : g . and practical nobleman, who, as Chains of Quarter Sessions, knows , Station-ho use. Nothing could give us more pleasure. the nature of vagabonds and their —. supported Mr. Bass. So | eer be - we pre eee Be am Ss pa rep! - alteration of the existing law: which en a hous r to object to street " music if it interfered with his calling. Perhaps the. Home Seeretary’s | NATIONAL DEFENSIVE: ECONOMY. statement will outweigh all the ridiculous misrepresentations of such | “ Tae taxpayers of England. owe much to Caprsm PAtitser, of the people as Str Joun Suetcey and Mx. Ayrton, who also. made some! 18th Hussars, for his invention of chilled shot, iron shot more-than omy jokes, othe ae 3 their re rea Tepe oo ane ~ equal to steel, made by being yor in a, mould s cold hie Prec mobs than to the House of Commons. @ majority of 201 to 87 | P. ’s chilled shot cost 2s. a-piece, whereas st t come the Committee approved the principal fhatuire of” the. Bill, and ital tat. ‘east 21 ‘Toe. “The chilled “hot “iaevenibed by Cabhine Pasisen, friends triumphed on other divisions, refusing br 75 to 54 to postpone | after having penetrated the'side of an iron‘clad; fly into’ picees, whitch the discussion, which was {contin until time for rising on | answer all’ the purpose of'a bursting shell. “Now; 30# is a’ great’ price Wednesdays. “ pay me a shot, over A rt be oe nef poe mi _ 2 vo aati , .'! fired at the enemies of’ England there’ ouglit plenty of them to | Thursday. Posterity, may we trouble you again fors moment? You | show for it. It is as much as a whole liost of them is'worth’; and the will hardly believe that up to this day civilised London had borne to : nee have its carriages and horsemen arrested and robbed'by highwaymen le vom who — his _ ‘ shot that will kill’as*‘many‘or more for 2s., called turnpike: keepers; but it: was: only to-day that: Lory Ravens. | 2¢s¢rves well of his country. woRTH, rng in the Lords, reminded the Peers, with jubilation that = etropolitan Tolls ended that night. ven now, south bank of the | ses Thames’ is: exposed to the same nuisance, but will hardly bear it long, | ; British Influence Abroad. : as Mn. Braprieup, the exterminator of the: North: Bank pikemen, is| Tae Krxc or Danomey continues to celebrate his Grand Customs, again at work. which consist in the sacrifice of human victims, andyet England declines Lorp Caruistx, Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, was accused by Lor | to engage in war for the sake of putting’a stop’to those atrocities. Al a a been i npg - certain criminals. | the Continental — agree in the declaration that we are fast losing RD CARLISLE is a good-natured man, but in the cases mentioned, | our influence in Africa.

i Re See @e oo «1s an eeelhlCUrlLUe CUD CL ow ©. Dw ee

| aertcp

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the jan ,IN me ER, ‘ich rice ) is y to the Qs., ms, ines All 310g

Juuy 9, 1864.)

REFINEMENT AND REFORM. To the Editor of Punch. “> “+ ONOURED Siz,—Al- rd : ‘>. low me to tender the Working Men, of whose number of a public-house, but your ears are == assailed by certain repulsive expres- din from the mouths of eipusuhinedl theparty. The number of these expressions is extremely limited They ¢ comprise, I think, about

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL . 13 excuse for denying, on the aiid of our alleged brutality, political justice to the mates of Yours respectfully, Chesterfield’s Rents, July, 1864. W. Porry.

CONFIDENCE AND NO CONFIDENCE. Quors sturdy Jony But to satel Ben Dizzy, e ; ompmee g are all a7 ee But this one of yours, Bzn, Pa | worth a tizzy, And—if with your whip ou eet ¢ ar ater busy To listen — he reason I'l tell. pe Po 90 se ees Le ene No bear with a head me’er E’er felt uglier than T, we: tie yc ml wight by might down, over-matched, yet be told L.can’t fight, But give prayers and gondeall, mo more! es ee ee But I fa -' tery far eae} faye ‘Ne’er doubted ‘so sore cf “a two a ae ‘War-taxes or peace-humble-pie. * We ’ve meiidled, I know, where I wish that we hadn't : Barked, when eneae had no bite-to follow ; Gulped the ‘blackest vi acts ‘after showing the bad on *t ; By masterfabavrong, (I could almost'go to the end of the nose and extendi rate your deprecatory ejaculation or remonstrance “nr ey an apliped forefinger, and a gentle. nod. This gesture x will h enhanee, thé effect of poll a mild es gp as | “Naughty es to a brutal and stupid man, and give a stinging BE ay simple exclamation “Oh!” If, Sir, some of the more influential individuals of our class would a point of of the,advice which I thus proffer, they would. soon bring strong language into ridicule, and render its use as infre- quent among working men.as it is amongst the wealthier classes, This little reform of their conversation ‘would, I am sure, do much to remove pets srantins aes aleasiane, pendent alton! arable onion oppose the exteasion of the political rights enjoye y the euphemistic orders. Too true is the remark-.of JuvenaL that— “Quint quod ridicMioghomines matt;""” and the imperfect Prereny of indigence may cause too many of us, as Jack Bragg says, to exasperate our 4’s unduly and so parce sated but there is no reason why any of us should make

use 0 whieh is improper as well as incorrect, and a8 the oe bagmeee “We might now be grateful, (although we then snubbed you), And own you’d been proved in the right : Our helmsmen we might have with gratitude dubbed you, (Though clear of some dirt'we had first to have scrubbed you), And have asked you to better our plight. ** But what is your claim ?: Where’s the eounsel yon ’ve given us ? What your policy s ae. or foreshown ? Tf on sands and on sh our old pilots have driven us, For all pow did, the waves to a wreck might. have riven us, You but skuiked, till the storm was.o’erblown. * And then. from your bunks you come nampiney erceping, With a ‘ There! We axe right. now, ToD $0 Don’ t.you think you had best give the helm to.our keeping ? It ’s true we kept dark, but don’t think we were.sleeping : ‘We were all wide awake.as.could be.’ “Tis not for such service Joun Butt shifts his pilot : He may be but feebly served now ; But in your hands—although he admits you’re a sly lot— In each sea he’d fear ie in each islet, Brag steering and Sham at the prow!”

How to Save the Country, ! | | |

| | | Let the House of Commons make it a standing order that no Bill | whatever for the enclosure of waste lands be from this time forth etiter- tained at all.

MOTTO FOR SEMMES’S PRESENTATION SWORD. A Frrtine gift to one whose merit lay In being always prompt to:Cut Away.

PHILOSOPHICAL. Srxcunar Errect or Artreicia Lieut veon Tyroorarny.—The Academy Catalogue is One Shilling by daylight, Sixpence by gaslight.

OryirHoLoey.—The-noisy Rooks ina Rookery never permit a Solo, but are perpetually joming’in a Caw-rus.

For tnx Use or Scnoors.—tIn Latin it is curious that Ze repre- sents .U.

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[JuLy 9, 1864. IVARI. ' THE EAST CHALKSHIRE ARTILLERY No. 3 (Menacingly to his Officer, who is finding fault with the aim). WHO ARE THE SNEAKS? Who, after all, are they who have deserted and betrayed | Denmark, invaded and ravaged by Teutonic scoundreldom under the “hegemony” of Prussia? “Her Majesty’s Government,” shouts | Her Majesty’s Opposition. “ Perfidious Albion!” howl ignant foreigners. ‘“‘ We certainly have lowered ourselves in the eyes of| ng nf cackle and hiss, with gregarious imbecility, English geese. I| beg the goose’s pardon ; ’tis a silly bird, but defiles not its own nest. | rtainly, Sir, it is undeniable that Her Majesty’s Government, | | having in vain attempted to restore peace by moral suasion, declines to | attempt that object by physical force, which England would have to | put forth by herself, pitching into Teutonic scoundreldom unaided by | any other of the neutral powers, pitching, alone amongst them all, into | Mr. Ponca, councils of Europe.” | the line taken in the same business by the councils of Europe has | | an assembly le VOLUNTEERS AT GUN PRACTICE. “Ye munna Toocn 1 Gun, Mon; A’vE aor a Ber on’r!!” — == | | Why didn’t he likewise invite it to affirm that lowered the just influence which they ought to have in each other? How many words have been wasted on Dizzy’s motion, when it would have received an amply sufficient answer in one of two syllables, “Humbug!” This would have been the sole reply vouchsafed to it by 38 studious of eloquence than brevity, consulting which, I rest, calling myself your Nis. SOFT WORDS AND POLITICAL PARSNIPS. “‘ The Neighbour softens, but the Satirist is resolved.”— The Critic. Puncu is placable, even to extremes. And if anything could melt a seoundreldom of seventy millions. France will not help. Russia will| him into forgetfulness of his duty to society, it would be the appear- not help. Not to fight for Denmark st overwhelming odds may | ance of this paragraph in the Standard :— be very pusillanimous ; but is the pusillanimity of the British Cabinet | — ; “ Our faceti te d neighbour in Fleet Street has his occasional greater than that of the French and Russian Imperial Governments a et aaaas cecal to nena th eee a oe ao-aihton © goers | »| poke at us, and we endeavour to return it, though at the odds at which a grave and is Albion more perfidious than Russia‘and France? England has | offered to fight if they would. They won’t. If Lorp Patmerston is | a sneak and a humbug, is not Louis NaroLteon something worse than | another ? “Oh! but Lorp Patmerston some time ago gave breath to the | menace that if Prussia and Austria did to Denmark that which they | have done, ‘ Denmark would not stand alone.’” Well, what then? [| suppose he said what he thought and expected. He gave France and | Russia credit for the same honest intention to enforce right as that of England. France and Russia have failed him. Really, Mr. Punch, if there is any perfidy or poltroonery in this matter, I can see none that is chargeable on Albion especially, or that lies in particular at the door of Cambridge House. Greenness, not perfidy, seems to me to have been the fault of Ministers. They were so verdant as to believe that France and Russia would unite with England in going to war for an idea simply moral. The patriot Disraztr asks the House of Commons to declare that the course pursued by Her Majesty’s Government in re; to the Danish question, “has lowered the just influence of this country in the journal encounters an accomplished wit. But we believe eur old friend Punch's heart to be in the right place, and, Conservatives as we are, we heartily applaud the true English feeling which he manifests on all occasions when the nation's heart i+ stirred. Nothing can be fairer than the way in which the Liberal satirist has treated the Danish question or the conduct of the Opposition, and his mordant cartoons express, if not very gently, certainly with complete truth, the feelings of the country. He shall now see that the Conservatives are, as he says, going tv do ‘summut,’ and, to borrow his own style, we may add that he will soon see Conservative statesmen at the ‘summit’ of popularity.” We are not in the habit of meling quite such startling epigrams as that with which the above paragraph concludes, but we may say that we naturally and cordially agree in the sentiment which it contains. Never- theless, Punch must be permitted to believe that Lorp Dersy will not be Prime Minister next week, and “‘ we may add” that we shall feel it our duty to keep him out of office for the present, the Standard’s blandishments notwithstanding. Stupy ron CLERGYMEN DURING JuNE aND JuLy.—S¢. Thomas's Summa Theologia.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL—Juxy 9, 1864. THE PROMISSORY NOTE. Mr. Jonn Butt (DenMaRK HAVING PrEsENTED THE Nore ror Payment). “NOW, THEN, MR. KNOUTEM AND MOUNSEER FROGGY, WHAT ARE YOU SKULKING OFF FOR? YOUR NAMES ARE TO THE NOTE AS WELL AS MINE, AND YOU’RE AS MUCH BOUND TO PAY YOUR SHARE AS I AM.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARE PUNCH’S TABLES OF PRECEDENCE. Tue changes: im society having rendered the old Tables of Preeedemes, to be-found in the Peerages, &c., obsolétty, Ranch, Garter King at Arms, has been commanded to prepare new Tables, to meet the-wantisof theage: He subjoins them;.and they are febewnuspended im every respectable house in his‘dominions and those of Her Majesty. PRECEDENCE AMONG MEN. PRECEDENCE AMONG WOME. . The Queen. . The Poem - Wales. 4. Miss Flovenne ay orence The Honourable 7 ee 6. The Misses Punch. 5 Daughter of Contributors tole Punch. , when the lions shall be done. Camodhas Godmo Those who smoke to walk behind, not as #.mark 10. Nicees of Contestocete: title: Poa caleeneiene sake strong to be blown in Godmothers. e others. 12 Ladies: who love Mr. Panehs. edieal Profession- but no advertisers, quacks, or other! 13. pen who te Novelty. road Cliurch Parsons, and Muscular headed by ‘the’ ions lady it her so = a ones, w Ww a ing. WS. eadiow vho-vonkj welresmcesiaalin if tiny weementieliliged 10, years. = Ladies who never hurry millimerss. ices sae ee ee ee as ie. Archbish Sits: haps: Tiohws, and the rest of the Pee _ my how they can it among them, but Viscount Williams to in @ 17. “Lit easton fants although i. 85. Ladies naar. i25 ensconeenmrcane ar aired economi in aress. 2 xem Meebo nut os beaten 36. Ladies who don’t, and therefore can’t, and for whose extrava- tradesmen who have never got a large amount to be made | gance the charitable make allowance Ladies who have held stalls at fancy fairs, but have not been wh ceed fi d twent tes. aa rty bog rett; play well at C: ét.. om, o never ex ve and twenty minu 4 ies who, havi we mé : reaches, cn me ae Hanging A Ladies oO never riddles which they pretend know . Persons who eat Periwinkles with Pins. ns answers. crack Periwinkles in Doors. 45. Ladies who are always: ready to come: semy: frou: the: theatre id Hwee. when their masculine protectors are bored. P Green. 46. Ladies with blue eyes, Public in white waistcoats. 47. Tuadies with violet eyes. blic in anyother kinds of waistcoats. . Ladies with grey eyes: Public without waistcoats at all or “+ either. . Ladies with l eyes. the finished, and: as he , Lames with black eyes: es he may ride in a ete Fray +| 5i. Ladies with green eyes. if arm-in-arm “> an Italian Organ-man. . Ladies with red-eyes, but. only after seeing Desh: wny, if with an Organ-man on one arm and a| 53. Ladies with any eyes:at all. ous Dissenter on the other. . Good plain Female Cooks, Ayrton, if riding on a donkey, typical of his constituency, _ ong Clerks. ished Tollmen. olunteer who shot the Dog. -who.eat the Pie under Marlow Bridge.

SFEr if RePeoECEa2 of. i 4 i ? lreers , gh i S - F 28 F 1 HI JF i i’ E

SRR ait L ie i ba } Dieta apd 3 Bs feu eoteetaetaes!

RSRPESASSS Egsosse aol oe fa zm ae =

ages We

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Juuy 9, 1864. CADGING EXT. ncRNA IN FACT. Eater Apa Chrtic, ** 4Art-Oritic. “Hare | E write the Art eg 3 for, several of the most influential Journals and } Havejyou, any es you could show me that you, would like T’ve.observed, my dear oom you Ric not been done justice aly the Pras, Ab tain is, a.most, harming. thin pastrn) He Pane, 0, Pobconnel there. That is. delicio » FC} us *ve been writing | a Work on Metaphysics Pit Si tte i Mathology. £ me, have. the pleasure of | pene miss List; of Subsori yery trifling, and Ill write you} | a stunning Notice im the Foal» Croncle know. you: Artis’s like a puff! | [The Listener's blood. curdies.)..‘ One good turn, clk another, you know, Twig? | | Winks.|. Them as use-me well, I use them w lava sos aoaneh, our Artist; with a mothering amile, shows this learned | | j | A TRIFLE TOO ‘SMART. | Tue Smart Snob’s Organ ‘is wrinfling ¢ frantically: for the benefit of the other , organs for whose’ utterances are also eapee into the street by people who | like coarse amusement: we recognise seen oyponiies of such brother- hood, we must protest against downright wiokt falgchood The tops.of the Busses ” like a grin as preparation for the day’s “—s and:we allow:that the Smart Snob eaeies grin, and occasional gush, ima very honest manner. iAnd one. would not be upon claptrap necessary in the way of trade in these days of pushing and bawling. | But as it is simply false, andmnot at-all funny, to say that. Ma. ‘Bass’s Bill for the | potintn of the | sick: and the dying; (to nothing of classes with whom Snobs rave little in common) from the crueltiésof»-the ‘organ-fiends, is a measure for depriving the poor of music, we may hint that such writing tends to excite a con- tempt which we are far from feeling, as a general rule, for one who strives to please the harmless tastes of his customers. The Bill i is ¢alculated to give the yee ten times as much music’as they get at for it-is:meant. to drive the or from quarters where they are not wanted. e.Organ-owners.now derive t chief income from hush-money, we wish them to oe Baan ym for or hee service. If the profits of the miscreants who. impo Italians, - treat them brutally, and mainly live upon the black- Ae poe pire 5 fesepenit bs by a police measure, we do not see in this a teal case for the lamentations of a re- spectable journalist. As to sneers at eged eclings ofthe late Mr. THACKERAY, or at those of Mr. Cartytz, Mr. Cartes) Dickens, Mr, Bassace, end the musical artists of London, such things are matters of taste, and the tops of the Busses are not, perhaps, very appreciative of true: art or science. But tell the truth, even to smart Snobs. IN MEMORIAM, (Additional Poems for the next edition; dedicated to Mr. Bass, M.?., dy a grateful Laureate,)* I.—BEFORE BASS. ee thou tans, dim morn, again, Upon the d ull and dreary street, ere,’ere in Farringford’s retreat I sought oblivion of my pain, * Sorel and fretted painful years, retched on the pi, *s"rack, Though sleeping in a first -back, And wearing 020 oy sac Not less lg street te D ‘Ould. pierce the, 10) ded eat de at ‘And when th door, "prt (ee iS: dway, hspey, Mtadeiaoory i “cae tha te to dail day.’ ae fleslined : s bette Those sounds-till hideous eis the night ; Till life seemed one perpetual grin I said ¢.Phis towh-befits not bard ; For staying Hiére F can but die, Unutteréd all ny fantasy, With tuneléss tunes my musit‘marred ! I said : Iwill seek out someplace Where no street-music 2 owed ; Where. to the qss-ears-of the crowd, None bids the fier’ brain give oe. HARTER Bass, I left fair Farrmgford’s retreat’: ies re rater eet ough gteen in Par! are rown 5 And dust and elamour ehoke the street. Againas in the years:gone by; L sleep: within any-firstfloor-back ; Nor. cottom for my ears I lack, Though all unused’ ‘is left todie. The sun. still wears his eap.of cloud, As.did th e sun I used to know ; I hear the.cry of “ “milk belay,” And “ water-creases”’, clamouring loud. The sea of wheels still roars and rolls; The pavement still I nese ‘YVexed of feet ; Yet a iy peace broods o’er the street, And all unchiafed we poet-souls May shoot our swallow-flights of song, Nor struggle with ‘the organ’s blare : And nigger-melodists'f And German bands)resolved i in wrong: Like a caged thrush,-that yet doth. fill The hours with:music as they pass, L sing my gratitude, to (Bass, And them that voted for,his Bull! IIL, -SELP-QUESTION, And have TF done sweet’ music wrong, That deem the organ-man accurst And for their’ praise in song have burst Who drained his barrel of its song ? * “Tt was well known ‘that the Poet Laureate had been driven out of London by the street music.”—Mr. Bass, in debate on Street Music Bill.

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Jury 9, 1864] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. 19

A post 1 an organ be Seren meee? ee ee aed ennume., Or am I hard, as Arztow holds, i area-belles The that gloom dispels Of days pe hehe ene toils and scolds ? Ah !—no : ’tis that. I love too well The music. those organs slay ; Tis that my glanee too oft will stray, Raspaireliiians Meagion natalie: : should err,. icer nan drawn aside,

which cannot be too m condemned, are now exciting families, capenielty the ladies, wii ‘ of travelling during j the recess. Tempt- oi little ie escribi ro and ot Retarn Tickets,

submit to the 4. of families a few - considerations which Paterfamilias will do well to urge upon those who to yield to Railway blandishment. Why it is so much better to Stop in Town. You can see after the cleaning of house, dusting your books, and so on, and you will have such dis halons for doing those large windows with the clever imitation of coloured glass You can walk so comfortably in the Parks and Kensington Gardens, and have your choice of chairs, as there will be no disagreeable crowd, and no dust from carriages. ers, or even boxes, + Py Shenoy that may be open, as the managers will be only too glad to see you Ro can study , and improve yourself so much, by engaging all your travelling fri write to ahs to tell you they are seeing, and you can follow them—on ‘ou can pro’ Regent Street so yagpenalili and if there is not much in the st — eee at that seaso 80 much the better, as you <= not be tempted what you don’t want. RR. will re comfortable, weet over your own silanes, Seeahel = ihe to servants who will have in followers, iat perhaps set the a on fire. You can have your children home from school for the Michaelmas crf rap is Cl adains anak he te ies DOE Sie uly as rogress, an e them to the Brit useum, and that of Practical | Geology, also to the Thames Tunnel. You can walk with your male arts of London which you have never seen, as itechapel, Ratcliffe way, and Bow, and tp will one guite new en ee of the enormous size of our noble Yue oir avoid those long, cold, dull evenings in the country, and wapeialertnandiadianteeastiel of ce at ee tak relatives into ze hi

and are ashamed to have a fire, and you can spend them in the comfort © en on Riiammesh biel? malbearehiels- sikh had ou can fetch up such a whic ve never : the Season, and besides, pt ‘set your- ' Poa and SMOLLETT, and really your pom and unpresentable relations, and ask Sine toniows ct all het qarel and Cm eng them as to the bringing up their Se al duties of consanguinity. age gee toe tml meee holiday in you one in more leisure. to listen to And s return to town you will have so m' their narratives of travel, liwwing none to. bore: them: with im return. Don’t Go Out of Town this Autumn. CROQUET. Tue turf whereon eo Should be by seythe and i That not e’en “fairy troops which nimbly p : And by the dance out: the summer day,” Where Buswn of Devon, sae a ere Brown sure, none. Could for their Almack’s wish =. Give as its le one hundred feet, no — -five width : this will kefoand:” general scale for every Croquét ground. How through the eons ‘twist the trees, that keep The ul border fan, a every peep, A varying lan praise excite ;, How, so to fix th’ a sight That, true rules thus well applied, scene, The eye may catch new Until enchanted by this , We own @ orth in a bowling How such harmonious colours to As may but. aid the ye om eff apes un, impervious How to make boundless seem contracted space er ae t; where vanishes each airy line, t Thy task, Sim ie *tisn’t mine.

A nervous arm, ntaatdatiiie These the essentials of the Croquét game. The corpus sanum and mens sanatoo Are both required. Yet, *twixt me and As to mens sana—why, there was a mate! At Croquét, t’other ay, at ww =a tha ped But this, w r Croquét’s fe Proves calle: the eaten did | oy one ™ play. Bent ung Rackety whose very first the morning ’s ‘‘ Let mequench my thirst!” ie ell doze while healthy seek the field, = — hand the could not. wield ; sofa stretched he takes his. nap, Whale ie the tent — tumbles from hi mt ot with Our manly Croquét hath no If L’ve digressed you will adunit I How high is our sweet pastime’s moral When my capricious Muse to Shell tell us of the mall The the colours and Hi ! once more she’s Sing winless sh Hast Soasenis es “ Here’s piano, now ourself ; oh, oa for y i: a ares ld ere: merely e excuse ut She’d take it as a favour.” Refuse, ’tis our best policy And therefore, , you’re Yow’!l lose; save you next week resume your th

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big’? y 4 id sy MRS... BROWN AT THE, ACADEMY. | o’clock, a.m., and half-a-crown*or so a’ seat. So you cut yourself in shaving, in your hurry to be'ready, (for,early rising on a Sunday is not | a sane man’s usual rule), and, having scampered to the station, you see | WERE THAT SturFyY,” &c., &c. RAILWAY JOKING. Dear Puncs, Wuar funny fellows are these Railway directors—the Great | Western ones especially ||. Such a famous practical joke they play on | poor excursionists, and on Sunday mornings too, which makes the thing | still funnier. You see a notice issued, that weekly on that day an Excursion train will start for. Windsor, Maidenhead and Henley at nine | | a finger-notice pointing “ €@ Zo the Excursion Train;” but if you do | as I did, you find the gate to which the finger points is locked, “4 nobody is there to tell you where to find the train.. Then, if you do as | I did, you go to the first ticket:clerk you happen to discover, and:ask | for a mae ticket to the place you want. to go to. »He says, at least to | me he said, “ There ’s no. cheap tickets there,” and, if you do as I did, | you ’ll be fool enough to credit him,-and payhim the full fare. You | will afterwards discover that cheap tickets were issued at the ticket-holé applied to the firs have informed ‘you, without: mu directors would be spoiled, and the joke is just to tempt poor devils | in them. In the ho | him how he likes it, I subscribe myself, Yours truthfully, Owe or THE Doyz. P.S. Perhaps you’ll say it served me right for travelling on a Sunday. | Well, I won’t do so again—at least not on the Great Western. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “AN ba @ ‘ , v . i AZ Ae? No see ! “Wait, iy ALL MY BORN Days, I NEVER SEE SUCH A’ Many Picrers; ayp Lor! | but a joke! tHe Gop FrAMEs Was Bzavtirot—sot [ cor THAT SQUEEGED I Dip, anD THE Pace} , although not | J t-class, which chanced to be the one | at which you happened to present’ yourself: Of course the clerk might | T loss of breath, that though he gave | | no cheap tickets, another fellow did; but then, you see, the joke of the final las like me to cheap trains, and then make us pay pretty dearly for a seat | i that I may see a di r redding this, and ask} {Jury 9, 1864. A DOMESTIC RECIPE. Mr. Puwem has seen a new periodical called the Bystander. At present-it is rather slow, and he would advise it, as policemen usually. advise bystanders, to move on. But, as Gzornce HERBERT says, no one should disdain to pick out treasures from an earthen pot; and here is a treasure of a recipe from the new | work :— an How To Dest wirn A Cross eee ee know ~ no beter © than to keep one’s per un vocation ; but this we know is a very difficult ime Perfect allence is the only way some people can keep their tempers, and that to a cross person is often but adding fuel tothe flame. A little unexpected act of attention, or kindness at such a time, will sometimes surprise your t into good b in spite of himself, and start repentant tears from his eyes. Happy he who can do this.” Well, yes, for to doit properly, he must have a decent | account at his bankers. é would, in the first place, |clear away any idea of crossness between masculines, | because if a fellow shows us the slightest sign of | temper, we simply pitch the nearest thing at his head, |call him a name, which is seareely one of compliment, jana walk out of the room, Nor have we anything to do with the way in which a lady should vanquish a cross man—the ladies know their own business. But we |have tried ‘the above recipe. in the case of a cross woman, ‘and wit: i success. At the ;moment when the frown angriest, the pout the | prominentest, and the foot the jest; we suddenly ‘clasped a bracelet on one arm, and® put a box (grand ‘tier) for Feast. into the hand belonging to the other. ee sre-almost ashamed rent ” ae the “~~~ ut it ‘comes ‘expensive, and we agree wi Iie Bystander, happy he who'can do this. Important to Spanish Bondholders. Ix the Money Articté of the Times it is thus written :— | “The finanéial position of Spain is beginning to give rise to } Serious conjectures,” | Those who are interested in Spanish solvency will be /reassured by this announcement of authority, which on alf commercial and pecuniary matters is acknowledged to be infallible, They will take heart from the assurance | that the financial position of Spain is at last beginning to give nige to conjectures ofva serious nature. It is so long since Spanish finance was looked. upon as anything Derimirion,— Stern Duty:—The. Post of Helmsman. VOICES: OF THE ‘NIGHT. Mr, PoxcH in his society. is constantly, of course, a hearer of good things ; but the two best,things that he has heard for many along day are the charming voice of Patrt in the Opera of Faust, and the noble voice of Tivrens in‘the Opera of Fidelio. . Of Patti, Mr. Punch need only say her Margherita is a pearl (as the name is said to indicate), which shines brightly in the brilliant setting Mr. Gre has given to it. Mr. Punch has seen and heard half-a-dozen Margheritas, and. hopes to live to hear and see at least six dozen of them more’; but, though each of them may have some special claims.to praise, he scarcely expects one of them will please him on the whole so well.as ApgLIna Parrt. With regard to Leonora, such singing and such acting make Punch young again to witness; for while pal so, a score of years. fall off from his shoulders, and he fancies himself hearing the best singers of old days before voices were worn threadbare by the fury of a V»eRDI and the blaring of a band. The noble music of BEETHOVEN “ rendered” (as the slang goes) by the noble voice of Trrrens, is one of those good things that one can never have too much of; and as the Prince OF Waces has shown his taste for music by “ specially desiring” this for one last final extra night, Mr. Punch will, in the name of his million and one readers, also specially desire it for at least a score of positively t nights more. Town Improvement.—There is, we hear, a winter garden to be opened at Somer’s Town. ip eaonne Mem vor a Wet Day.—There’s never a Cab within Printed by William Brad! , of No. 13, U; Woburn Wits try yen ran oar ts of London. —Satunpar, July 9, 1864. fn the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie S-reet, in the Precinct of Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No. 8, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City

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err ax eae @2anow ve ew Jory 16, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Mi V/ fe AGH “lM Dd SA SA WA Park Keeper. “Don’t you Know rr’s aGIn THE Hact 0’ PaRLIAME 7 . “ Preasx, 8’, aIn’? BEEN A Fisutn’, S’.” Park Keeper. “ But you ’vE BEEN A HarpiIn’ aND ABETTIN’.” . “On no, 8S’; ’po’ m’ worp, 8’, AIN'T BEEN A Bertin’ Morey, 8’!” MAXIMS FOR THE MEAN. Way not use that dirty envelope? Your cor- respondent is bound to think it was soiled by the |; postman. ‘ You can turn your linen-collars, and so save in the washing bill. But they fray sooner, from the harder rubbing required. Try to get your host to talk you down to the door. You cannot tip his servants under his eye. Acigar-case withacomplex fastening, over which you bungle and growl, will often draw a cigar from a friend who wants you to light up and come on. You can hardl such a fool as to have smaller change than a half sovereign about you | | when you have offered to share the cab that is | |going toset youdown. } Be the porn a philing, and a liberal ios pow — stand ices for hes party and | sherry and seltzer for you—a good bargain. | _ Wait, and be last, in leaving a pes te car- | riage. It is safest, and you can then take the abandoned newspapers, and may get an umbrella. _Always recognise, and ostentatiously assist one | a> | disreputable member of your family. He will r n° ow be your excuse for never giving a single shilling eo a S ‘UA | to any other relation. He has half ruined | WS | you, &. SS ieee | Latest American Telegrams. (Condensed and Translated.) Grant reduced to grunt. SHERrpan’s Rivals successful. Hunter hunted. Harker toasted. i pees not an Ossy ’un; his cavalry { cut up. TxHomas’s men rendered fit for Guy’s. | Prxow on SHERMAN’s rear. 7 NT A FisHtn’ ?” , S’; AIN’r GOT NO | Presently we shall be told that A. was pledged, and broke his word, that B. | | had the gout, that C. would have been with but that his wife was ill, | PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. hat D. was shut out, that E. had an unforti uarrel with CoLonEL _ The Week, cg We hope that the Conservatives are now happy in their minds. They have been incessantly informing us, for the last two or three years, that the House of Commons, representing the country, desired nothing so much as to turn Lonp Patmerston’s Cabinet out of office. They have won several isolated elections, and had convinced a ae these ao go had filed - eunetes omy the majori ssessed by the Government. e have for a long time Slensatedel Gal Tie. Weecenz bad bet to on.'a 200 ole. j =. aon e is y be > endous ae gia _ also : mee extrao “wisdom, has always replied to these statements by begging his friends not to dwell in a fool’s Paradise. He has assured them that the House and the country wished for Lorp Patmerston’s continuance in office, and that the Tories, who make an excellent Opposition—for the ideal of opposition is a reasonable obstructiveness—are not at present wanted at the head of the State. For this advice and assurance, which he has always tendered in the most delicate and respectful manner, he has been horribly abused by Conservative organs, some of which have accused him of being bribed by Lorp Patmerston, as if Punch was not much more able and likely to bribe Pam than to be bribed by him. He has been assailed in the style of the defunct scandalous journals that did not spare the names of the ladies of an antagonist’s family. And all for telling the silly, mindy rank and file of the Conservatives what their leaders knew quite well, and dared not tell, namely, that they could not turn out Lonp PaLMERsTon. . Now the attempt has been made, and under the most favourable circumstances. . 4 could not have expected so etapa a chance. The sweet face and the popularity of the Princess or WaLEs, a weak cad gallant nation fighting bravely against overwhelming millions, nd awfully abused and ridiculed on the Continent, a rather too | meddlesome Foreign Secretary to bait, a strong national feeling for the | Danes, indignation at atrocities, a series of partial failures in diplomacy, the recklessness of a moribund Parliament, all combined to romise success to an attack. It has been made, and after a week of ebate the House of Commons has decided, by a majority of 18 in a house of 608, that the Conservatives shall not come into office. Now om they wish that they had taken the advice of their faithf ‘unch, instead of abusing that gentle creature. « they can plaster up their wounds in — hee they like. The Standard cannot think it a political victory.” Nobody has asked the Standard to think about anything—we hope more humanity exists among us. t Taytor, that F. is a neighbour of Sm; Cuartes Woop and had bene talked over, that G. is a reprobate apostate for whom no condemnation is too strong, that H. is a violent Protestant and has been offended by | the [rish Alliance, that I. missed the train, that J. got into the wron lobby, that K.’s wife is on such terms with Lapy Russext that K. could hardly vote, especially as Mrs. K. is not ina state of health to bear agitation, that LL. is suffering. under a heavy family affliction (his rich uncle has married a housemaid), that M. having been snubbed. by Mr. DisRakLI in 1859, remembered it on Saturday morning, that N.’s brother is in a mess with his accounts as a Government clerk, that O. wants a ship for his son, that P. has discovered a dormant claim to a Peerage, and has interpreted a confidential wink of Lorp WestTBury’s to mean that if P. will not be obnoxious he shall be Lorp Piewicer, one of these days, that Q.’s daughter visits one of the Maids of Honour, and the doting father is ruled by ARABELLA, and that very foolishly and our oe e are not half so attentive to these things as Cambridge ouse), R. was not asked to Lapy Dersy’s last party, and his name wasn’t even given to the newspapers, so he managed to beill. Here are exactly 18 men, and if they had done their duty, as might have been expected, where would have been your PALMERSTON majority? Very true. But perhaps Mr. Brann has got 18 letters out of the Liberal alphabet which have also been ollie. or honouring their wives and daughters, or feeling Protestant, and the rest of it. And be this as it may, nobody wants to know how Humpty-Dumpty fell from the wall when we see him lying a smashed conglomerate of egg-shell, yolk, an white,—and not over fresh. _ Mr. Punch has, upon occasion, yond the hugest debates with a condensation and a minuteness which have excited the wonder of the world. Having read every line of the Danish debate, as it will be called, because it had really nothing to do with Denmark, he has moved, seconded, and unanimously carried a resolution to the effect, that upon this occasion he shall be pleasing himself most by merely indicating the course of the affair, and noting a few points. The object of the resolu- tion moved by Mr. Disrag1i was to turn out the Government. The Conservative whips never believed that it could be done, but the | resolved to try. They had, really, a very good primd facie case, and, moreover, as they have done next to nothing all the Session, they were bound to give some signs of organised action, if they were to be con- sidered a party at all. The resolution moved by Mr. DisRazui was to the effect that the policy of Government had lowered the just influence VOL, XLVII. D

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22 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Juny 16, 1864,

of England, and it was of course a yelp of censure, and was meant ond accepted as one. Monday. Mx. Disna8ti moved this resolation in a speech of three | cue was to be tremendously solemn and judicial. He cited | vast vast quantities of doc of Soomaali? evidence, and sought to show that we had i and alienated France, and had has lintel en aad te a dull, decorous statesman had compiled this speech, it would have been complimented, but something more brilliant | was ex d from the author of Coxingsby. On the other hand, when it-was known that Mr. Guiapstron# would reply, people did not expect because the CHANCELLOR’s ost-an 4 maa poligy is | not capable of lively ree rol when ae, & after meeting the aoeet aie antagoni with | “ falsifieation ” —. was a stioee over the and over “ calumnies,” | and then we had all sorts of gentlemanly retractations), abandoned | Io | defence, Be oe ame Fg mee the Cuancetior showed himself a terrible gladiator, and sho blows like wintry, rain. | The retort of the phates & is, s You never have told, and you don’t tell one.” now, what Messrs. ‘Newpacars and Krvetaxe moved amendments, the first a | strong expression in ~~ e of Denmark, the second a strong expression in favour of General Peet was and likewise pious, at least to the | extent of ending his a text, declaring that the Govern- ' ment had made us a shame to Sadiicadtation ad derision to them that are round about us Lorp Sranuer (a long head) disclaimed a war policy, and talked of | the resolution as a protest. Lorp Drnrsy’s son is not to one. The Loxp Apvocate was the only other speaker to-night.

| Tuesday. Mz. Conpen set out his own non interference-with-any- thing-or-anybody views very cleverly, and ridiculed the Tories for | wanting to remove oa ata who did their work, in the way of Gecourasing reform and encouraging extravagance, much better than they woul allowed to do it. ; Mr. Rogsuck abused the Germans penteenely, Yo sad, believed that Lornp Patmerston thought Lonp fal encum- | brance. Pam shook his head. “Oh, but i ow Se ” said the omniscient RozBuUCcK. Mr. Horsman made an exceedin peech, well composed, ~ full of = — me opel Rlached ak etd, an - Mr. ISRAELI, at en week, called “ Superior Person” of the House. He voted with Government. | Other speakers. Lorp Roperr Cectt, flat and weak. W. E. Forster. Butter Jounstons. Lorp Hargy Vane. Mr. Lopez. | Lorp Rosert Moyracus. Mr. Waatiey (some fun, of the gorilla | sort—he began promching against the Pope). Mn. Sermour Frrz- GERALD (ready and able) Pray Mz. Sead He defended Lorp Russext, and dealt rough knocks. It was after this speech that the row came. a Gatuornne Harpy. An effective Conservative ise pleasantly | | delivered. Mr. Bewrtxcx. Speech noticeable because this Con- "seri is by no mene fall of dain his chiefs, called the resolution a rosewater one. ‘Ales, in Re interest of Protestantism and if anon he Mh aes out his belief tat ibe Conseryatives had gained certain a he ¥ A Mn. Cocay. Mn, Peacocks. Ts ee Logp Joux Manywers—with a neat Latin quotation—there has not been much classical citation in this debate. Friday. Fourth and last ni Bernat OsBorne d, firing away good stores. Ho advised the Lakarals uot to mare shat might te | Socom a é sae Ie ow hacen mgs Yampa or Cassio him, or came after oy igs loudly ch rose. He came out with the old spirit. He regretted the pains the Opposition took to egrade and vilify = country. He denied that the influence of the = was lowered, the charge was a gratuitous libel by those who were aiming at office. And, the proposed vote as one Sof censure, showed some reasons why Government ‘Damar as | Lords on both sides then pulled out ty that is, the oot ielees vat people whe Red aot bend the arguih and as the Tory undle of was a little thicker than the Liberal one, the result is called le majo of oo Se eee. Here is another little consolation, joan which Mr. Peack leaves them for the present.

THE GREAT ANNUAL CRICKET-MATCH. | (From our Colwell-Hatchney Correspondent, as usual.) Tre Great Annual Crieket-Match was the other da Tor toe in Se | celebrated pate not a hundred miles from Colwell Nite the Hanwe en and the oe, Sires Eleven from “isaun Tussaup’s. te vane glorious he sun beamed on the assem- bled multitude who were > leeig holes in their boots pre- yf to putting on their s a The god arrived in a hamper om Town, and was immediately bound hand and _ in his chair, ohioh he filled to the satisfaction of every one concerned As the clock struck one, another clock in the village struck two, and a general riot ensued. m.. .-. pm tears y ine —— Poceenined the Um ~ and e ediction o daggers (by the ion of Signor Costa, who had led his horse with his baton’ ‘all the way from Town), |*e., e commenced. e betting was even, the odds being’ in favour of the winners. Ate a preconcerted signal the attack was made, The names and colours of the riders were successively hoisted up above the pavilion, so that they could be seen by the Dzaw or Sr. aes: s, who was making shorthand notes for the convenience of the rganist. | At 9 a.m, the wickets were pitched at the bowler, who, giving a loud ory, fled into the wilderness. The Police are on his track. ubjoined is the score :— COLWELL HATCH ELEVEN. Jones . . . Caught outfirst Ball Cuartzs ... . (his friend) Somebody. . . . A Bargain |. Artaxerxes. . Jn love with StellaCollas . .. Three Gentlemen . (mamesunknown) .... Guards, Aristocrats, Crowds MADAME TUSSAUD’S ELEVEN. Me. Cospert . including the Clockwork snuff-box . 10d. per hour. CommussiongR Lis (Bowled, caught, stumped, rum out). 1 The Sleeping Beauty Kino Henry VIII. . (afterwards Clown) .. . CarpiwaL Worszey .. . (withaSong) ..., The rest of the Eleven (not admitted after seven). 200 The Colwell Hatchers went in for a hundred and came out without (them. The bowling was excellent on both sides at once. The batting was beyond all praise, and the wicket-keepers, who were smashed to atoms, Y epocened themselves highly Pleased with the performance. Bootjacks were in great request for hitting people on the head with, and fire-irons were at a premium, Among the — and gentr mpire, wih deelared in favour of neither, ‘intl th threatened with | the torture, when he succumbed. The Colwell Hatchers went away early, but returned to finish the game when nobody was looking. mapaeee Tussaup’s Eleven were" last seen melting away in the "The io Elevens subsequently dined together: the casualties were numerous. | All returned to town, grateful to the worthy Vicar for a rational and | well-spent day.

|

“ed wy & yp, < wo @ Sey“ cae a ah at, Oh’ aoe 28 elk a eee

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Juny 16, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. TURF EDUCATION. CROQUET. emt og the taking vu. e y to name a Hatt! Bright July! though it must be confessed, beast after a Queen is Hail’s bat on Apri ting at the er enough, without mis-| Smile, then, Bright ‘when we Croquét play; spelling _ the SP s Dread month! when every dog shall have his day. a ny yen ow Rise, charming Judy, at the mallet’s sound, and Lorp Bateman, an Let your Balmorals prese the Croquét ground, Lop StaMroRp are in T from the hall will bring the needful teake, & full wrangle and seribble And will explain to you the simple rales. ae mare, whom tt bony a te ae Jezabel. Dothe heathen Nee yams never go to Church ? Yours truly, Mr. Punch, Anas. DISRAELI’S POLICY. be re of the nan € preserved in‘that volume, by the sub- joined extract from oP of Mx. Disrazui’s speech on his motion of a vote of censure on the Government :— Upon each peg we page mgenannt, criticism is made on bis ambiguous conduet the noble Lord asks me In any order, red, white, green we “ll say, cy?’ (Cheers and counter cheers.) My answer is—my policy is the But, that once fixed, in turn these colours play ; honour (Cheers, amd cries of Oh!” the Ministerial benches.) My In choosing pees, you by ex learned, pollegr is Greens of Ragland wnt the poasset , and the noble Lord has | The nicely polis tis end eeey turned ; trayed Each “ pointed,” “polished,” “neatly turned,”—thus it Indeed, the foregoing bests anything im Exrte10’s Specter : but that | Is like some mot of ’s or JERROLD’s wit. scagur of epuadhenditangian ofliaman™ tr ». declastion a in| hice gp a onour 0! peace ” is a declaration rin- | « ” ciple more sonorous and not less significant than that which 4 me ant oe those oh the Hote epitomised in “ Our old Constitution and our young Queey !” But think not, fairest of thy sex, I mean The next tine that Dizzy is asked what his policy is, he will perhaps Offenee of any kind to erinoline. reply, “ A policy of assurance. Nay, I detest it not, I only That sometimes it is rather in the way. a A agen (trust pe, I am not “ zoae s Judy, or yO ’am, to include, FALSE FINE EYES. T'd push Jane ey gp ) Tue subjoined advertisement, addressed to the sillier portion of the Tay ocme 8 penn pen foore iad ye softer sex, appeared the other day in the Morning Post :— I'd dot; foe, de, Wien, Saint oe BELLA DONNA produdes a brilliant Eye. This Lotion is prepared That, though your — is the one to bear it, phn or he i — =. jane bw wae fey hold it oj tn aa ie | How few there are who a can wear it ! nes womans Bue Be eh > ~~ KI = 7 oe As when the stubborn bow Ulysses bent, tion,” which they did not want, “to the eye,” bat to ppemes a delicate | ee gh oom. te ovate oe ent whiteness of the skin, isa plant called in plam Englis » if Night- } Mast starting from the post through them all shade. Besides poisoning those who take it internally, it will, if out- These hoops (of iron wire ma ite round ’ wardly applied to the eye, or near it, cause paralysis of the iris, and Nor nor flat will suit the Croquét ground, ) consequently dilatation of the pupil. As the iris is a contractile curtain, Should have both ends fixed firmly in th ; contracting in the light, so as to regulate the admission of light into the web eet whonregee! cx oy Vege fi many eye, of course, if its contraction is artificially hindered, more light than ie Paterry Tbe I gy lye mete lyma! pad a requisite for the eye is let into it, More light than is necessary for the eye Mote either way would nasaht slow fix ell is, of course, more than is good for it, and too much light does for the eye Now, as I said last week, “ Sing up, my Muse!” what too much of a moe ing does for any other organ ; does for it ‘And. as dhe suid laat week, “ fir. Lrefasc’ in the end. The use of Belladonna by stupidity to give itself Just when we in our Croquét are progressing, e oc likely, therefore, to result in the addition She jibe and stops dead short ; no sort of presaing itis of to a that the di aes » bt —_ _ sing + note ‘“. fe gw ut there is of course useless observe dilated caused R belladonna employed for the of giving “ brilliancy, vivacity, Betittey dst the power of ion to the eye,” is distinguished at a glance from A great deal more to do with Hymns than Hers. the glowing gaze of emotion and intelligence. The lan of the eye Well, TacceyRanp was right: since all must know under the influence of belladonna, to give it artificial expression, I will not quote his celebrated mot. proclaims a fool, so that there is no need of talking to her to find her A brilliant thought! Ill give my Muse the slip, out. These remarks are made not with the least expectation of per- Ho, there! my spurs, my silver-mounted whip! suading any young lady who-is in the habit of using belladonna eyewater Bring round my Pegasus! Not here, Sir. No! to leave it off but only with the view of inducing her father, or brother, | Miss Muse is riding him in Rotten Row. or ian, who may happen to find a bottle of that stuff left anywhere | about the house, to throw it out of window. Two Good Reasons for Two Good Things. | : - P : A Forgien journalist asks explanation of the fact, that though there A, Menting- | are but: 50,000 English Jews, 7 or 8 aré elected to Parliament, while, In any fature account of the discussion on Mr. Bass’s Organ Nuisamce though there are 2,000,000 of English Catholics, they send but one Bill, it may be described as the Ayes and the Noes legislating for the Catholic Member... The ex ion is, that the elected Jews are wise Grinders and the ears. | men—and so are the Catholic electors.

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 16, 1864, Ill Min We | \ tee Bi NY y “ieee i} hn hi Lv AN me ~S | Mrs. GRUNSELL AND FRIEND, HAVING HAD Two Cops or CorreE, THREE ROLLS AND BUTTER, AND ONE BotrLe or LEMONADE, PAY THEIR BILL, AND PRESENT THE WAITER WITH A Ha’PENNY, WHICH IS INDIGNANTLY RETURNED. Mrs. Grunsell (log.) “0, HOW NIcE! THIS Is A NEW ARRANGEMENT. No Gratuities ALLOWED.” THE GREAT FIGHT. | Described in a letter from Master JoHNNY RussE1, of Saint Stephen’ s Academy, to Master Tuomas Brown. Dear Tom, : ; : I Hore har are quite well. I am quite well. I ho sister is quite well. Give my love to her. There has been a jo Y fight between Ben Dizzy and Bit Giapstong, and Ben has got well licked, and I am jolly glad of it, for Ben has been an awful nuisance all this half, and saying nasty thi gS of one, and getting beastly cocky. You know Ben is in the other House and so he couldn’t get at me, for you know I am in the Upper House, among the other Big Boys. But he kept saying spiteful things of me, all behind my back, where he knew I could not answer him, and at last he got so cheeky that he pitched into Old Pam, and said he ’d fight him and Bri1 Giapstonz, to see who should be cock. You know Old Pam has been cock of the school for ever such a while, and our fellows all like him, because he is so good- natured, and is such a clever chap at getting fellows out of messes. Ben was a great fool to think that he could fight Bitz Giapstonz and Old Pam, for everybody knows that he’s no match for either of them. Bern’s not a bad hitter, and he’s pretty smart in fibbing ; but though he’s pretty lively in getting on his legs, you know we all that there ’s no 4o¢¢om in him, and although his style is showy, he has little real strength. You should have seen just how Bitz Giapstone floored hi the first round, there never was a fairer -down than he gave him. your knock. Then he seized him like a rat, and gave him such a shaking, and Dizzy looked quite white, and I don’t wonder at it. I think Diz will be more careful now that the conceit has been a little taken out of him. He’s t such a black eye, and everybody says that he deserved quite what e got, and I know I'm precious glad of it, for he was awful cheeky. We break up in a few days, and I hope that we shan’t have to come to School again till February. So I’ve a jolly lot of holiday before me to write letters, which you know I’m very fond of. And so I must conclude. Believe me, Your affectionate friend, St, Stephen’s Academy, Tuesday. Jounny RvssELL. VON BISMARCK’S WORD. Unper the title of “The Proposed Holy. Alliance,” the Morning Post has lately been publishing some alleged correspondence, revealing a conspiracy against constitutional Government. in Europe between Von Bismarck, Von Recuperc, GortscHakorr, and other ministers and agents of the three great European Scoundreldoms of Austria, Russia, and Prussia. We might have doubted the authenticity of these documents but for the subjomed telegram, addressed to the Prussian Ambassador in London :— * Carlebad, July 3. ** Your Excellency is expressly authorised to declare that the two Prussian des- patches on the Holy Alliance, published in yesterday's Morning Post, are purely inven No such document, nor anything similar, exists. « (Signed) Considering, in relation to veracity, the assertions which were made by Herr von BisMARcK eer re gee e e intentions of Prussia in invading the Danish territories, we need only see his name affixed to a statement to convince us that the reverse of it istrue. The disavowal, equally prompt with the = by Von Bismanck, at Paris and Vienna, of the despatches on the Holy Alliance attributed to him in the Post, evinces an eagerness to discredit their authenticity, which is the best of all possible reasons for believing them to be genuine. BisMARCK.” Ecclesiastical. THE motion for removing the disabilities which lie in the way of the Wives of the Clergy sitting in Convocation will not be brought forward at the next meeting of the Ecclesiastical Synod. There is no such ecclesiastical title in the English Hierarchy as that of the Bishop of Soda and Brandy. Musicat.—The Edition of the Immortal Bard’s Works, from which the Operatic version of Zhe Merry Wives of Windsor was taken, is Sincer’s Shakspeare.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Juty 16, 1864. fe) | ! I) 2 WH. "| NN iil q a A ! II \ {" Ti aL mil Ni | l it ti NS As : \SSS \ Mga eS e 4 Mh \\\e i a LP bh AMET re 2 a Tar >> . N : 4 ieee » 7! ¥ Z LLM VII ULA ‘ \ y ’ : a a OO hp THE FIGHT AT ST. STEPHENS ACADEMY. Mrs. Game, “NEVER MIND, MY DEAR! YOU DONE YER WERRY BEST TO WIN; WHICH THAT MASTER GLADSTING IS SUCH A HUNCOMMON STRONG BOY!”

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Jour 16, 1864, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. * THE DRAMA IN THE DRAWING-ROOM.' wty Amateur Theatricals are now the i q intl hale martyr to the amusement of society. No.2.—“ Oh, Mz. Sym- PER, how could you make yourself so hideous P? I’m d wneper have particular at- ohne 5 evening dress and ap- ce, SO wat ientite in no entiiie Se with the ruffisn whom he _ has been impersonating. No. 3.—“ Tt went off admirably. must you on your success.” Maz. Mrvoss looks fool- ish, and tries fo pero haat that his first appearance has not been such a failure after all. wank “ What a beautiful dress that was! Where did you get it Mars, Tartyre would have preferred a complimentary remark upon her acting ; Sos saute eunciniohs, giving ta uame of € costumier. No. 5.—“ h, 7s mate te langh so! I was quite afraid that! you would hear me Awateur, who has been playing the low Comedian’s => Toe teeta Anson si be the audience had laughed a little No. 6.— T*ve seen all those pieces net be geet | B Sea CHARLES Maruews play your ger in the piece, I must Ah, of course, you ’t to compare the two,” says Amateur, deprecating stern criticism ; he is of opinion that but for con- ventional prejudice he is not much behind that admirable No. 7.—“ You must have played very rey often, 2 Mr. Nooptz,” observes an amiable lady, with the sweetest smile You seemed so much at your ease on the “a Mr. N whe nee taaie his Best eaitanse mer | ooh =e « a door, and has invariably found be hear ie he stage was speaking to him, is, aden delighted lyse eaiieiaelapheae a I can’t make out how the roel grees himself, » and twiddles a couple jase Be No. 9.— How very well Mr. So ann So played,” says some pleasant fous ty. & lady, knowing, that this remark is so peculiarly acceptable to a nd host pin, and, ual. of opinion, an ther Amsteur that “he didn’t hn op oe ef mg reg Fe eh?” These few suggestions for Drawing- Conversations will, we feel vans, teak to such charitable pores as it ap tee shins implant in the large heart of existing Society. WANTED, A POLICY! Wantep a Policy, fitted to fill, Th left unclosed by rbetorieal sk DS Pam and J: tis, ena ond blundered, "Tis not all Orutum fulmen that Diazy has thundered : us of the Queen’s ag the Treasury Bench dnd kon i batt oe had bal ene places, epee teers ek aor ne prosbage holloaed, Ta’en just the same road And built the same walls, Wanted a The gap tunclosed by thetorial ail 1 Pobey wanted! Wanted a Policy with a “2. For a party that’s been a out of place, Whose measures from over long Sy Whose young hands are raw pes for Facowsie hay ban Paxteamesy, w, Wi remy — ‘i Whe aids of the And the front of an argument ’ ’s Who have Huex Carn de care ca eaten ith a brain triply s Which ne’er knew itself beaten, 6 And last, but not least, who’ve a No couneetion, NB, ie! the L Ve goes to smash upon Tha las tut be found yates: in 's Of Puntan Waatnar, and Pape Mic Haze, Whose coat parti-coloured is with green Ultramontane, and ultra-marine ; A party whose leaders are sorely bestead To keep Barrmxcx and Dizzy st peace in one bed; Whose leader, de facto, is barely As an evil that’s io he oom bel and in Who the one half ory“ War,” Bodies i getcnsantcen) And the other half “ Peace,” (as per Stanuey’s reply), Who the Treasury would storm, and wax fat on its But, rl oe te oor don’t know mene me to ~ when they ’re ‘there. ce to part. anted, a Poli N Poles CRICKET MUSIC. Music being now introduced (to the great 1a ae of the ladies) at ome grand Cricket Matches, Mr. Puach is induced to publish the list o — which, at his s tion sonpelloned haste iW a ton match, and the fitness whereof was the phair of complimentary remark by the Pauycess or Wazzs Invitation to the Ball . ** Batti, betti” “* Maiden, Over! Over with me" Favourite Catch . ° “Home! Sweet Home” Cricket on the Hearth “On 8 Bat's back do I iy” * Proudly—and Wide” . ‘ **O, Mother, he's come to the Wicket ” “Good Bye, sweetheart, good Bye ” . Gustavus. « Dow Grovanx. . SCKILLKOs. - Oxp Excisu. Bisxor. . Spires. . AxtEL’'s Sonc. - Fra Diavoss. . Muss Froppers. . Sus Reeves. Pr vE.—It is indeed a CTURESQ ep in the country to see a landed proprietor standing under : ash, smoking a cigar.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 16, 1864, THE SILVER TRUMPET. Charles FitzCharles (log.). “Oxck MORE, Let. ME WHISPER IN THINE Eak THE WORDS OF LovE—aND OH! BELIEVE—THAT YOU SHALL SETTLE youR Money on TINGENT REMAINDER TO YOUR OWN CHARLEY.” THE LATEST NEWS FROM WASHINGTON. Henk is the latest discovery in America, which we recommend, as a thing for investment, to the attentive consideration of all washer- \\ | women :— ** A veritable soap-mine has been discovered in Eame- M\\. | ralda, California. The vein is 10 feet wide, 600 feet long, and runs very deep.” What “lathering” good dividends, as an Irishman, would say, a soap-mine must yield! | We should be afraid, however, of the specula- tion ourselves, lest it should turn out only | | another exemplification of the old saying that | | ‘‘the earth hath bubbles,” and, as the Stock | Exchange knows, we have enough of those in our | = country, without going to California for em. THROWING STONES FROM ACROSS .. THE WATER. We find that the foreign correspondents are continually alluding to, and making extracts Z| from an influential journal they call The Cross (.| Journal. We imagine Oey _ mean by this the Kreuz Zeitung ; but if so, why don’t they say so? | The English title might lead to all kinds of | errors, for really any less-informed person than ourselves might innocently suppose they were | malevolently sneering at the Saturday ew, or else — the finger of irreverence at the | dear old Morning Herald—formerly bitter foes | of ours, but now our warmest friends and allies. On their joint parts, as they are scarcely able to defend themselves, we beg most indignantiy to YoursELF witH Con- ; protest against the intended affront. ELEEMOSYNARY EAU DE COLOGNE. Tue subjoined paragraph is taken from a column of general news in the Post :— “Tae Horse Saow, AGRICULTURAL Hatt.— of ¢ the enter- prising Mr. Josgpu Stuart, of 7, Westbourne ase, Bishop's Road West, occupies a stall, in the gallery, with a supply of the genuine ‘ Jersey’ Eau de Cologne, which —s patronissa by Huh Maamery, but is also ten percent. stronger than any other similer article. If the foregoing statement is correct, the enterprising Mr. Joszru Stuart is an uncommonly good fellow. He undertook to provide the | visitors to the Islington Horse Show with a itous distribution of Eau de e. The announcement that he occupies a stall there with a meee that odoriferous article, contains no intimation that he c s anything for it; on the contrary, nreoents him as occupying less of expense.” If he sells the Eau de Cologne, even the stall “ at a loss, he cannot be wholly of expense, because he does expense as is equal to the difference between selling it r so much ata loss and giving it altogether away; and an alleged sale of Eau de Cologne, or anything else, would be simply a sell. . But what are we to think of the A ion that the “genuine ‘ Jersey’ Eau de Cologne is not only patronised by Her Masesrty, but is also ten per cent. ae than any other similar article?” Surely this is an anticlimax. “Is not only ten per cent. stronger than any other similar article, but is also Sianieed | by Hen Magesty.” That is the wy in which a judicious loyalty would put its recommendation of the “ Jersey” Eau de Cologne. “Strong” is an ambiguous epithet a plied to odours. Smells may be more strong than pleasant; a sme called strong is often the reverse of pleasant ; but when we are told that a scent is not only ten per cent. stronger than any similar scent, but is also honoured by Her Masesty’s paren we understand that its strength is sweetness, and if we wished to imbue our pocket dker- chiefs with fragrance, and make ourselves generally agreeable by diffusing a grateful savour around us, we should, considermg that the QuEEN’s name is a tower of strength, make choice of the perfume fortified with that of Vicrorta, and, if it were to be sold, lay out money on the strength of it. EXTRACT FROM DIARY, ! Wednesday. Saw on label in grocer’s window, ; “ Balmoral Sauce.” Thought it might mean blacking. SPIRIT-MOVING TRADE INTELLIGENCE. Ir we may believe the announcements in the Newspapers, the spirits in New York are playing wondrous pranks. They apparently have left off twisting easy chairs about and turning tables topsy-turvy, and have applied themselves to moving precious metals and provisions.. By the commercial news transmitted through the Zimes the other day, we learn that on the twentieth of June “gold, which stood at 198}, suddenly jumped to 201,” and we further are informed, under date the twenty- | third, that :— ** Gold rose yesterday to 245; to-day it has oscillated between 205 and 225.” This jumping about and rising and oscillating movement on the part of gold must clearly have been caused By spiritual agency, for, so far as we have knowledge of the nature of this metal, it has nothing automatic that could give it motive power. But spirit-influence still more curious is described in the next para- graph, which speaks in verb-less language of — ** Breadstuffs rising. Provisions excited and irregular. Sugars firm. Coffee unchanged.” Here the spirits clearly have been at their work again, and have | caused an elevation on the part of breadstuffs, doubtless similar to that | which they produced in Mr. Home. If they would kindly undertake to effect a rise in bread just at the right moment in the course of manu- | facture, the bakers would be thankful for the saving of their yeast. | But unluckily the spirits never condescend to stoop to any sort of | useful work, and we have small hope of their helping us in any hour of |knead. What kind of provisions were “excited and irregular” we are not precisely told; and we may draw upon our fancy for the picture |of hams wildly waltzing about the larders, and rounds of beef in their excitement prancing with polonies or capering with calves’ heads. - A Diplomatic Munchausen. | Iw the House of Commons, the other evening, Lonp PALMERSTON | stated that the Prussian Ambassador desired to deny the authenticity | of the letters published as Bismaxcx’s in the Post “ with all the weight of his official character.” Ha! A nice distinction! The Prussian Ambassador’s personal character may weigh as much as gold or plati- num; but his pee 3 oye does not pledge that. It is far too much to say that all the weight of his official c ter equals that of a feather.

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Jury 16, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. TIME FOR LADIES’ TAILORS. A JOLLY PUFF FOR JOLLY NOSE. E look upon the fol-| WHEN are we to have the Green Bushes again? Soon, Mx. WeExsrzr, lowing announce- | we hope, because we understand that in one of the eomie scenes between ment as a sign of| Mz. Paut Beprorp and Mr. Tooxz, something-of this kind is to be the times :— introduced :— “Coat ror Laviss.| Paul B. Hasy now, easy now, my bumptious boy, and do mot be in Foot paber shapes | such a remarkably indecorous hurry to demonstrate the deficiencies of 3 Stoner 7, your education. with fall directions} Toole. My education deficient, you antibilious old eee! And pe a Fe if it are, you had the Songitep of me up, and might have eliminated given in’ the Queen, | Me into a consternation of Sf i the Lady’s N Paul B. I — you your feading, my obtuse and antiseptic -_ i Fr) = 8 tent to tJ 4 dhe leiiashea hen roximate a book ctr ge = ba , ; ( the first alternative, repeats), “ ” wal Gor nent fc%t| Past B. You must is imesponeble, to make such @ response. What As . many of them as of an ote to cut out their tier line like! You mean méfier, I suppose, my polyglot- other 3 ~ too; but, the ma-| are just been reading and fathers must bat the 4 tp that per, of July 16.” but read you not, neither i your little mind, you angrate No longer aou- and intransitive prvterplugerdectby. 4 Toole. or; don’t be hard upon a promiscuous rr. . Within your w. uninstructed one ? t again, now taken bagel or say something else. Kd ™ y\} to wear instea ; do you mean by “ meteor?” hay? ; Petticoats ? Foote No, not hay ; nor yet Will o’ the straw, Iam given a” aha to understand that it isa delicate French Galieeiem, 4 and clever enough ime i gwn coats, will, | ""Zoole, I wns afeard if I somnded it tov Faenchy , as you wouldn’t have doubtless, cut out me, Gav’nor. But yan've no eall « coreniaere read. too E you from your gneedy one? jority of husbands i ay oy on Ac as to say tt, . sassingers as 1 go oma y —— the ni and were Mount Vesuvius in ‘a eruption, spitting out laver, whieh indeed I always do in real life, hating that : +} | Same — weggil ‘ will be run up by|,. 7@# 8 Favour me, famour me, favour me with the nomenclature of eir wives an 7 literary production which has stimulated your tardy predilection for th ters. Crinoline is about to be s at last, and we can : . : : : ind’ Toole, Gov’nor, we are marriell m and had better talk according. b ba Le pelt armel Misi the with ae bee T have nothing to say about Muses. I have been reading a book. It’s kets. name, says you? Hurry no man’s appellations, says 1; one day you may have a title-page of your own. 1 wrote it down: ¥ ings and a ns, a not Fancies, by Pav Beprorp. Ever hear that RD’ CKE name, Gov’nor LORD'S CRI 7 GROUND IN DANGER. Paul B. That concatenation of syllabic utterances does not seem “ Wuar’s that there they be a playun of upon the Green, yander?” | entirely novel to my auricular organs. i mired an agricu lturist on a visit to a suburban friend. Toole. Verylikely. Ah! But did you ever hear that name before ? mt , his host. _ Paul B. Have I not said 20, unper'phrastic one? And the emana- > y. How d’ye spell ut?” tions of this autobiographical historiographer have excited your organs “C.r.0.q.8.0.6” of approbativeness. . Now I'll tell you what it is, Gov’nor. 1*m a plain man. Paul B. Were a prize offered for » aie, 1 believe that it would remain the undisputed property of liberal benefactor who ‘pro- Well, I zay, and ben’t there a Lord’s| posed it. out o’ Marrowbone way zumwhere ? ” Toole. You are an indigenous old Behemoth and a hypochondriacal “ : “ Anabaptist, if you come to that. I can say long words as well as you, “Well, then, what I sez, is, Why don’t they likewise ha’ a Lady’s | but I prefer common civility. ; : Crocket Ground ? ” Paul B. It is well, my excitable one. ‘Now, impart to me your im- “Mr. Homecresn, your analogy excels ButtER’s. But we mustn’t | pression of the literary performance of Mz. Beprorp. talk of a Lady’s Croquét Ground till we have secured Lord’s Cricket| Toole. Why, it’s a stunner. : . Ground for the Mary Club. Do you know that it’s in danger of} Paw! B. The epithet is compact, but might be expanded with advan - being cut up and eovered with bricks and mortar—threatened with | tage to the platitudinarian intellect of the nineteenth , being sold on building leases ? ” Toole. Well, 1 was talking about it with a lot of Swells, and them as - ildun lases; they be the rhuun o’ the country.|know'd better than me, and the Swells say that the book is Pavi pro se pti Brproxo to the life, and all the better for being so, and that everybody pong iption. ‘Ten thousand | 0 0 , and have a jo . feat all. rd thes Gucie toon "Poul B So recommended, I sh administer some leisure to | i be.” the perusal of the tome in ion. And I am our uncultured i one, that you are not so a relative of the whose susten- ! arm erived from a certain Scottish wild flower as I had appre- en Toole. Shut up, you thundering old sarge per you bilos- Z Trincomalee, shut up, you? Hi som-nosed Buddhist of ere comes i. ust so, Sir, and I wish your truly liberal example may be followed ibing what they can afford. There is a too general Enter Miami, with her gun. a modest crown by the side of the larger but} Jfiami. Ah! my friends, dre, of five guineas. helps, as the ald ’ooman zed o’ the tear as vell in the hopes *tween us we shall zave Lard’s Cricket Ground.” ‘Oh, It’s Wuffin’!” Waar Mr. Gravstowg heard the Bow Bells sayi Tr is not gewerally known that there ia » omall on of indefati me ww “Torn in, ret snmp . Lodge ats Cesanman, great bore of London !” na nam, | Raafiess of Hameton Wick.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jouy 16, 1864, — = HOLY v. UNHOLY, OR ALLIANCE AGAINST ALLIANCE. WueEn Tureves fall out, (the proverb runs,) Honest men may expect their own ; But how when Tureves fall in, with guns, Sabres and trumpets, (though unblown) ? Depa, Poland, scarred and sacked, ow that the thieves who carved thy soil, Renewing their ae pact, Swear each to guard the other’s spoil. And thou, Venetia, gnaw thy chains, Now Kaiser mates with Czar and King ; Meet guardians of stolen gains, Black eagles linking wing to wing. Pause, Prussia, pen and pipetin hand, And ask what thine, what Bismarcx’s ends ; When, bode of ill to Vaterland, Thy King calls Czar and Kaiser friends. The Tureves fall in: up, honest men, If old fights must once more be won : Link hands, nor, once linked, loose again, Till Tureves fall out and right be done! EARL GREY IN A BELT. Brrore the Lords’ Committee on the Belfast Improve- ment Bill, one of the parties concerned, a Mr. Rea, wanting to speak, and being desired by Eart Grey to be quiet, got excited, and is reported to have said :— “‘Tam_-a subject of Her Maszsry, and no belted Earl shall tyran- nise over me.” From the above it appears that Eart Grey, when he resides over or attends a‘ Committee of the House of | = is accustomed to wear a belt. There is nothing to be said as to. that, except that, if it is so, there is a point of resemblance between the noble Earl and a rat-catcher. But then what is there in Fant Grey’s belt that particularly determines Mr. Rea not to submit to any tyranny from the Sententious Cabby (on receiving his legal Fare from Temple Bar to Furnival’s Inn). | wearer? Mr. Rea had to be walked out, however, by two “ An! I onty vish SrxPences was a8 ScakcE aS GEN’LEMEN!” | belted policemen. | ance, distraction, and perhaps even misery and ruin? How comes it EXTORTION UNDER GOVERNMENT. that - has a e oy a a> do this dirty work for his superiors? You will doubtless elicit, if you 4». togn Anreve Reston, Bey, | have not elicited, an answer to these ‘questions from the CHANCELLOR mischief behind 7 THE op or some pee ne eyo iy . a brute ao on : : it that is either amusing himself, or trying to get on, by extortion in the | Sho. cortain 5 Deicias, qettes, ye: ee" Sogo. in and rout | 7. jand Revenue Oice Find him, Tzare! Fetch him out! ;Shake | induced to raise your honest bark in the House of Commons by some | him, boy! Sess! And believe me, yours ever, BNCH | letters which have lately appeared in the Zimes, whence it appears that . ~ ’ | there is some nasty creature in the Inland Revenue Office at work in| P.S. Who now will ever dare to accept the office of executor, so long | extorting legacy duty from the réprésentatives and descendants of | as the Inland Revenue Office comes down upon an executor’s executor | parties by whom it.is alleged to have om left unpaid many years ago— | for legacy duty on property which he never t of ? | as many as forty. Down come demands of this kind on executors o aiee® Deak TEAREM, hae W3aENEVER any vermin are en in. doing | | | } Sool preeih.:"eataseidiva te tea iaiak capbeborsie ire, bees pounds. ve to the orig executorship have n lost or destroyed; the past payment of the duty cannot be proved, and | THE LATE MR. WILKS. people who know and could know no more about it than the Man in| Tue sudden decease of a political writer and speaker, Mz. Wasuine- the Moon, are fain to submit to the exaction, and pay the whole of the | ron Wixxs, has produced an appeal to the public on behalf of his widow | money rather than risk the cost of a defence against a Government | and six children. This appeal we heartily second, in the interest of those prosecution. See the Times of Thursday, July 7th, in case you happen | whose helplessness demands all kindly aid, and without any approbation | to have overlooked: these monstrous cases of legal extortion—if it is | of the claim set up that Mz. W. Wrxxs sacrificed his time to the making «| le Read the letter, entitled “ Hardships of Executors.” | speeches at public meetings “with a total disregard to his health or ulk of the oppression exercised by despotic governments; talk of | pecuniary interests.” No husband or father has a right to earn such a | | any imposition enfdrced upon the subjects of an pee, Russian, or | plaudit. He Would have seen this, had he lived longer, and would have | | Prussian tyrant !* Talk of any atrocity, sort of — torture, inflicfed | acted up to his conviction, for he was a earnest man. Help for | on the people. of his.late Majesty-of Naples!. As for the Pope, his | the widow and her children may be sent to the Honorary Secretary of | Holiness would doubtless feel his ternal heart lacerated by the mere | the Fund, 65, Fleet Street, and they have the strongest claim upon aoe that he was'‘capable of permitting such cruel injustice as | those who will, we hope, on this occasion deserve the name of Ultra- | that which is, as I have, told you, practised by some vile underling in | Liberals. a — Revenue oT. To — it we should have to go to) = - urkey—the ey of Basazet and AMURATH. ‘ i -Shakspearian i . What kind of a creature is it that has set himself to the odious work| Extensive Sale of on Ee , Coaianennaennes of ferreting out these obsolete claims of the Government on persons} “I Don’r think,” said a would-be literary Duke, “ you can find who are innocent of any knowledge of them? Is it some clerk who |a single Irish character in all the works of SHaKsPEARE ?’ : seeks promotion by the ostentation of a pitiless zeal? Or is it a wretch| “ Yes, you can,” boldly ejaculated young Epmunp, “for I can cite who takes a malignant delight in improying the opportunity that his | two—Mzss O’Pwetta, and Corry O’Lanvs.” situation affords him of subjecting as many people as he can to annoy-| The noble Duke instantly started for Manchester. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras,in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of Whivefiar, ou of aa yon at their Office in howbard S:reet, in the Preeinct of Whitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No. 8 Fleet Street, in the Parish of St§Bride, City o! —Sarvunpay, Jaly 16, 1861.

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SS SS SS YSlUlULhwlCU Jury 23, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL A PLEASANT KIND OF UNCLE. Scenz—ZInside a Cab. Uncix on back seat. Two nice boys on front seat. Savoy organ. “WHERE’S REBECCA?” Warerk is Rebecca, Lavy CRAWLEY née Suanr? The last time we heard of her ladyship was soon after the death of his excellency, Siz Rawpon Craw ey, when she had taken to distributing tracts. If that occupation have not weaned her from worldly vanities, Lany Craw ey had better go over to Paris, and join her illustrious family, that of MonTMoRENCcyY, in its protest against Im- perial caprice. It seems that the noble old title of Duc pE Montmorency (no one can forget Rebecca's claim of kindred) having become ex- tinct, the Emperor has revived it, and bestowed it on the Duc pe TALLEYRAND-PeRIGORD, who, | if his pedigree be rightly stated, has as good a | claim as anybody to that which nobody has a | right to claim at all. But all the branches of the old family are in arms, heraldic and metaphoric, | and they appeal to such law as the Elected of the | Millions hus left them, for a sentence against his act. Surely Repecca Lapy Crawiey will be | heard of in the matter, and it appears to Mr. Punch that on the ground of respectability, she is quite as much entitled to be heard as a good | many who are mixed up in the fray. ‘My mo- ther was a Montmorency ” should be a passport to the Tuileries itself, where anything like old | blood must be at a premium, among such bril- | liancies as the Duc De 1a Bourss, the Baron Firz-Boucnerrg, and the Vicomre Crrque- OtyMpique, En avant, Resecca Lapy Craw- tEY! Noblesse Oblige. No Such Luck. Tue Savoy Chapel has been’ burned, with the | d we make this last word , we should almost be consoled. Quite, Uncle. “ Now, REGINALD, LOOK OVER MY HEAD, AND TELL ME THE NouMBER OF THIS CaB.” | were the word “ organists.” Reginald (slowly). ‘‘Onz, Stx, Srx, E1cur.” Uncle (sternly). “How DARE You, Str? Say Srxtren HUNDRED aND Srixty-zIcHT, Now, James, WHat rMporTant Events 1x EnciisH HISTORY HAPPENED IN ian Angler’s Song | [The Boys think they might as well not be out for a Cheerful Holiday. | to his bait: “Sleep, Gentle, Sleep.” 1668?” PiscaTorIAL. — Shakes PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. JuLy, 11¢h, Monday. The feelings of the Clergymen who are adverse to saying what is charitable over a deceased person continue to find an exponent in Lorp Exvury, who persists in demanding an alteration of the beautiful burial service of the Church. The ARCHBISHOP OF CanTERBURY has no objection to a commission for inquiring into the subject. The Bishor or Lonpon will not hear of alterations in the service, but thinks that something might be done to relax the law under which the Clergyman is compelled to speak charitably of those whom he would to describe to their friends as having gone to a place of torture. It will be a pity if some anodyne be not invented for these gentle-hearted portions of the surplice population. The Marquis or WEsTMEATH, who is seventy-nine po of age, and who, having recently been divorced from his second wife, has just married a third, is entitled, both from bis age and from his experience of church ceremonies, to complain of the inconvenient mode in which the services are arranged in the Chapels-Royal. The subject, how- ever, is not one of intense interest to the b= generally, and bd rg not know, {in fact, what the conjugal Marquis complains about. On the Shutting Public Houses Bill (which was afterwards passed) Loup Brovenam called attention to the advantages of the Cheap Kitchens, of which Mr. Punch has said so much. Lorp BroveHaM apprised the Peers that for a penny he had obtained a basin of as good soup as any of their Lordships could get at home,.and that for fourpence a plate of meat and vegetables of similar excellence can be had. Did not Mr. Punch introduce the system from Glasgow? Knowing that such excellent and cheap food can be had, why do young idiots go to slap-bangs and eat sodden meat? Because they think such places more “genteel.” But they are very foolish, especially the short-pipe smokers, who need nourishing food to counteract the stunting process which is making them such wretched little sallow animals that one really hates to look at them on the top of the omnibus, where, by the way, they have no business to be, for they ought to walk to their work. If Lorp Broveuam did not say all this, he thought it, and Mr. Punch means to get him to say it some evening. Mr. Ferranp, making a great row (though he had more than one od case to-night, but spoiled it by his violence) was told by Sm EORGE Grey that he “always spoke under great excitement, and was not aware what he said.’ The House then “laughed semen at Mr. Darsy GrirFitH, but this is the regular amusement of the House, and hardly worth chronicling. He asked some absurd question about——what does it | signify ? | Onsen Irish Education Vote, to which of course we should not refer were there not something more interesting than Irish Education involved, there was told, by _a Minister, a little romance which beats all the sensationists. An Irish gentleman lay under the misfortune of nee suspected of murdering his wife by Baye The interior of the departe was sent to the surgeons at the Cork infirmary to be analysed. The unfortunate Irish gentleman had fallen in love with a new Irish lady, who was to wed him as soon as he was le y acquitted of gettin \irregularly free from the first marriage. e bribed a porter, or | somebody, at the infirmary, to set the place on fire, in order that any evidence that might be obtained from the interior of his wife might be destroyed; and the plan was carried out with partial success. Now that is something like a story, and we have a presentiment that we | shall read it in a book, and the novelist will introduce the usual clumsy vindication of a disagreeable tale—“ it actually occurred,” as if that had anything to do with art. Finally, we had a British Museum debate, and Mr. WALPOLE men- tioned various interesting purchases that had been made, none of which, any more than a whole host of other invaluable things, can the public see, until those beasts and birds sball be taken away. While we can see four beautiful giraffes and two hippopotamuses alive, it is too absurd to fling ieee Greek marbles into a cellar, to leave room for that dusty splitting old straddler of a camelopard, and the wooden- looking river-horse at the Museum. Tuesday. Lorp SuarresBury, having mentioned a rumour that the Prussians had murdered 400 Swedish Volunteers in cold blood, and being informed by Lorp Russeut that he had ascertained that the burglars were not guilty of this crime, expressed bis satisfaction, but declined to make any apology, fairly arguing that the general conduct VOL. XLVII. E

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32 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Junr 23, 1864

of the Prussians deprived them of any right to complain of any sus- picion. Lo RD Music Bill in a tem e and convincing speech, and the Bill was read a Second Time. the Bill allowing the Masters of i Schools to read prayers, was passed, in spite of the extraordinary obj tions of a few Peers. « ~ ‘oat was carried on by the ae S See eee ae beet he Pane ortuguese were criminal, hah Plaine Gaapetereen ee then hansuned . We had another theological W: Mr. endeavo to do away with the law wb geome the U with the Church of England. For orice, ic princi | matter of debate, and battle was given on | Universities ought to be merely national State religi Mr.

whether nurseries of * the or Warote of course took _ dwelt upon the catholic and comprehensive character of a Churc , includes men of extre aan ae Me. Mowsunn. , under the Bill, M. Renan might be a teacher ima Universit | and Mr. could make no better answer than “No, he is Frenchman.” WuHat.ey tHe Wiss supported the Bill, because persons at Oxford were inclined to Po; The House: reared, which bly Mz. Dinsy Gairrits felt , as he must. suppose i the person chiefly entitled to make the House laugh. We aust < . el ' get up an entertainment for WHattey and Darsy to all over | Poetry the pe during the holidays. They would clipe the, Brothers E who lately made a hit as the Zwo Dromios. Mr. Neate (Cambridge opposed the Bill, which was rejected by 157 to 101. : Then a number of Bills were withdrawn, and divers whitebait, swim- ming a little lower down than Westminster, began to feel es their minds, and to ask one another why fish were annually | on the altar of the British Constitution. Thursday. The Commons insisted on restoring to the Penal Servitude Bill the clause compelling Ticket-of-leave men to report themselves | onee a month to the police. The Lords, after some discussion, decided Town) a basic aud, FELEE by 62 to 25 that the clause should be accepted, so Mr. Witt1am Srxzs will be obliged, occasionally, to leave his card at the h i betters : a dreadfully oppressive rule, but the same penance for weeks together, and feel proud of the task. Government really does not see howto compel Railway Companies to provide a means of communication between passengers and the guard. Very well, very well. Just waituntil Mr. Punch takes his seat as @jury-man in a case in which da are asked by reason of a dis- aster that been prevented had such: communication been established. , brother jurymen? ™ the plaintiff, my Lord damages £10 and the jury wishes that he had asked £20,000. have made and into a Heptarchy,. governed by seven great Railway Kings, but we can temper their despotism by epigrams in the form of verdicts. Werhad them a New Zealand debate, in. theeourse of which Mn. -Rozsvex expressed his opinion that the nativesmust be exterminated, expressed-his that Ma. Romspuce was no better than t ions of our Prayer Boo. his owm,.a said, “ Now, let us die by the: hands of He and. his followers dashed upon us, and cut their way into » safety. [f Havenecx or any other of our own fighting Christians done this, we should have had a burst of t, and acres in lis honour. This war ought to be to the colonists. However we Ma. Dansy Garrerrs, amid wi a great shout by charging the New Zealand Rebellion upon the —. r. Punch was much too busy at Wimbledon, shooting for the Queen’s Prize, to have any time or attention for any more Parliament at present. . He will be found to have knocked the Friday into next

week—a feat often talked about but never previously performed.

EARLY BIRDS. E lately published the pro- spectus of a joint-stock com- pany for working popular enthusi to a profit, and drawing dividends out of hero-worship. Who knows oateaaliedieane in the mar- ket, — that the domestic \. Virtues are beginning to be —_ 7 ee oe rineip! and stimulate by rewards dividends in another form ?, We had long known, on Lord rr authority, | that “the Early Bird picks | up the worm;” but hence- | forth the Early Birds have determined that they will not only —- up worms, but money. These Early Birds have actually invited the birds that flatter themselves they mean to early, or are otherwise deeply im- pressed with the virtue of earliness, to unite themselves into a Society— which might as well be a Company at once—ealled “The Early Rising » | oi | } | | Association.” Their prospectus, or body of rules (printed at Man- chester), now before us, authenticated by the names of a bond fide | President, Vice-President, Treasurer, and Honorary Secretary, sets out ostentatiously “* The object of this Association is to promote Early Rising.” | “ Well—and why not?” an Early Bird may ask. If temperance is to be promoted by people laying their heads together—a timber stockade, | or to keep out the foul fiend, sony drink—why not early rising, or cleanliness, or piety, or ready money dealing ? | ‘The “ Soa - Water Society,” m | tion, with a , and the motto, “ How are you off for Soap?” the | proper apparatus of fines for dirty faces and: fingers, and prizes: for the which are only | ht be a highly useful organisa. | ;members who should show clean hands for the greatest. number of |days in the year. So might a society for cultivating in common the |great virtue of punctuality in payments—the Ready-Reckoners they | {might be called—with “Down with your Dust,” for a motto. Indeed | |one does not see why the principle should not be carried still further, | jand extended to the culture of the Cardinal virtues ag well as mere | | domestic good habits. Why should not the Decalogue be distributed, | /on joint-stock principles (with liability strictly limited to a pe | virtue), and piety, Sabbath-keeping, honouring one’s father and mother, | abstinence ftom murder, theft, evil-s ing, lying, and slandering, | made sources of profit in the shape of prizes for the good people, to | be made up by fines on the naughty ones, till the world had been | taught that virtue was no longer to be her own reward, but might be | | made to bring in a comfortable addition to one’s income. | } | The most serious objection to this plan is, that as these societies

| operated the fines would get smaller and smaller, and of course the | prizes with them, till by the time we had brought up all the virtues to a premium, there would be no premiums available for them. However, we will not do the Early Birds the injustice to think that such sordid considerations ever occurred to them. Besides they know that it will be a long time before they can induce everybody “‘to be completely dressed every day by 8 a.m.,” as each member of the society is to be by the first rule. The rule does not say “‘ wp and dressed ”— whence we infer that if an Early Bird liked to dress himself in bed, or to dress himself and go to bed in in his feathers, he would earn his day. Then comes a scale of fines to be paid by members not dressed at 8 a.m., rising from the mild infliction of 1d., after 8 and before 8°30, to the alarming figure of 10s. after 11! Again, there is a loop-hole opened by the words “completely dressed.” What is complete dressing? It is a matter of taste: we know a gentleman, who poacely makes his first appearance in nothing | but a dressing gown and slippers. One has heard of shirt-collar an | straps as a light and airy costume. Surely the society won’t require | full-dress. Do théy admit peigaoirs for ladies and shooting coats, or | dressing-gowns for males? Do they insist on boots, or tolerate ees! Are trousers indispensable? We see a great field for quibble and | litigation in these words. “On Sundays,” (Rule Il.) ‘‘each member must be completely dressed by | 8°30.”

“III. Any member on payment of 1 £ 0s. is privile to stay in bed all day, | except Sundays, when the fine will be £1.” ot | This is a direct encouragement to any unfortunate. Karly Bird who

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Cea iti eke, TERR OSS Er SORT Seo

Juur 23, 1864,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 33

or three hours in for we fo be comet whale ay for tbe after vee, pe to . up at all, as he is free of | steno > " oe = le to “admit j in a society where om temptation ror rng gag a Fens Sam the blankets will, at times, be almost irresistible. od bo paid. andthe invaltd will Tossmneidered as not boing Inter provided that tine as 1 <a Pe dage’ ile ' illness does not exceed sixty.” ” This puzzlesus. In the first , what is the illness that is to let |i wnieely Bird: off’ P Willa rs head-ache, or an all-overishness, or a fener senseof “not fe or an indisposition to get u allowed as illness? And ig is to ‘certify the illness? Are Ear y Birds to be | on their honour daily? or is the Association to keep doetors for verification? And why, in the name of justice, is an — nee? eos is ill for more than sixty days, to lose all right supposed that if an Early Bird is unable to get a at. die at once— = oe fore all. nee ia illness Pe longer, ¥ tailléab, le et corvéable a: pe fa the Revolution ? “*V. Each membermust' hour and minute at

This answers a oeniinn 2 Ad is to ensure honest:entries: eee wi oked after # if ee Fer Birds .can — - ‘to perched on eye oe without hopping off or fluttering oe pts age ‘iter the fear of fines or the hope of premium, then we can only say they are rare-aves—a_ new breed of Pheenixes—birds of a feather—a feather in their caps—birds, not of prey, but praise—true | birds of Paradise Then come the rules about fines and premiums, fixing how the latter | are to be raised by the former, and to be thre e—the first of one-half the sum total of fines, the second of one after expenses. No member is to be eligi le for these prizes unless he | has no fines on 340, 320, and 300 days in the year. ‘Ties are to be | settled by minutes in bed on late mornings. We see a.good deal of wrangling in prospect over all this. And then to think of the Early | Birds “ sitting on their honour” all through this tempest of temptation ! | The society ought to be called “an association for putting people on | their honour.” Rule X. is.another puzzler :— | If an able-bodied and an invalid are equally deserving of a prize, the preference will be given to the former.” } “'Who’s to” decide-when Early Birds disagree ? ’z Not reason nor | justice. They would a said w two people are equally deserv ing, -_ the a, But the Early Birds say, that when an invalid B Ear Al against his ailments an ttumpbed~ when in ‘spi ee s his flesh is heir to, he has been up and oe] dressed—who shall say at what cost of resolution and suffering —daily | for 340 days by 8 in the morning, he is to yield the prize to some great, strong, hulking Early Bird, who has no nerves, and never knew , pain or twinge, or was conscious of a liver, stomach, or digestive ap us, and who gets up, not from any sense ‘of duty, fear of fines, or hope of premiums, but simply from the promptings of his rude, coarse, insensible, and brutally-robust system,'that won’t let him lie a-bed, if he wished it ever so ! This we must eall the ve acme of unfairness, and even cruelty. aan year of the Early Birds is to end on the 5th of April, when e books and fines are to be made up and settled, and prizes awarded i distributed, &c. as soon as possible after that date. On this we | would only remark that there is clearly a mistake of four days in fixing the ake s. field-d V. is remarkable :— ‘‘A member will not be considered completely dressed without his — and must never appear in public without it, on penalty of a fine of 1d.” A question arises on this—on the legal principle, expressio unius est exclusio alterius. As a member is not to be considered .completel, dressed without his badge, is he to _be considered completely resse with it? In other words, will wearing the badge be considered com- plete dressing? If so, we should like to see the badge before we join the Association . . . PR Rule XIX. honorary members are to be admitted on t of five shillings, and will a“ the cegtoy ah —of wearing the : This would.seem to imply ge must something orna-

mental or useful, and increases our desire to see an article, the privi- lege of wearing which is worth five shillings, while it constitutes a complete dress in itself. We trust the Metropolitan trates have been consulted, and that Early Birds in their s will be recognised as “ completely dressed,” by the law as well as by the vale af of the Association. In conclusion, we beg to assure our senteee See that the Association we have been commenting on, really exists. If “birds of a feather flock ther,” Early Birds, it is to - ontltc§ will join it. If we may of the probable composition of the wo 4 by the Early Birds of ae ——— we should say that it would bring together, encou- vmiatacend otherwise aid, abet, and comfort a highly conceited set of birds, who are in the habit of revenging thenatiiea for the diseomfort of their own early rising, by crowing over every other kind of bird for the rest of the day. And our conviction is, the. fewer worms oe a Early Birds pick up by dint of their ive organisation, th

A KING AMONG PEERS. oo N reference to the Zimes, it - has been given to one of the -—— attractions i Ba d established and Exhibition named t. = the department which con- e waxen effigies of GREENACRE, COURVOISIER, Mr. Mrs within the precincts of of a prison, aed a whose Pay om ve i -ADAME TUSSAUD’S HISTORICAL GALLERY, 28 years, at the Bazaar, Baker Street. A full- length Portrait Model of Dr. CouTy La Poi- iJ Fe from the original soner, = ph by M. Trrvquart, Paris, m life and the best authorities, Saew added to the Chamber of } Physiognomy. What used to be called the Chamber of Horrors, is now styled the Chamber of Physiognomy. The portrait Model of Dr. Covuty pe tA Pommerats, Poisoner, is a great addition to it. A eater would be that of the Kine or Prussia, who has done more to eserve a place in it than all the celebrities that figure there. put together.

ETIQUETTE. Wuen your host’s servant announces dinner, jump up from your chair, cry out in a hearty manner, “ Off we goes,” and rush down-stains. On entering the dining-room, lift up the different .covers and choose Pome ish When making a call, see that your boots are quite clean before © going into the house. If they are not, take'them off a eae the to _ them before ascending ‘to the Desig ae ways carry your hat into any room, and 1 it round and round on the handle of yourstick or umbrella ; ne air efcaneencerned seen — carrying on acon Abe Lincoln’s Last. “ Dap you ever see a wild goose a floatin’ on the ocean?” asked the President of the Soonters. of the Treasury, in ay eee of Ole Zp Coon. “ Well,” answ e Secretary, ‘ I have.” “ then,” says ABE, “ you a to know what it’s ike; but if you dant, I'll tell you, between urselves, mind, so don’t you go tellin’ nobody else- A wild goose a on the ocean is like the Union, and our tryin’ to restore the — is Poy. much like swimmin’ arter goose—a wild goose, CHASE. , you k know as well as I do, that the end o ipa Nome mney a rer a

“ HAY WILL NOT BE PLENTIFUL.” Ir flesh is grass, for which the farmer ’s We’ ll lay the dearth of hay to you, our .

Hacrionoey ox ’Cuaner.—The Brokers’ Patron.—St..Simon Stock.

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a2 7) yp maa Mim as « amt wees), = [Jury 23, 1864. 4 hh ia We LETT 4 es DF . ‘ ‘\ ED oe, (aA (ad 2 i] | Lf JS . SESLES N (iss , . } | Ne fii sit CZ fo Li Yi m™ —ZiZZ t. fe Pal Ue Pda A LITTLE SCENE AT BRUSSELS. T-mpk-ns (who has just come down to breakfast), ‘‘ Here! I say, Garsonc! I want a KELKCHOSE FOR DEJEWNAY! DER KoRrEeE, (N.B. The Stout Party T. pokes in the ribs is a wealthy Belgian Swell. ) AND DES HOOFS, you KNOW!” FROM THE “ST. STEPHEN’S HUE AND CRY.” LOST, in the House of Commons, during the Debate on Mar. Disrazti’s Motion—1l. A Temper: very little worn, and originally of the softest and most durable materials. -Any Member having taken it by mistake, is requested to return it to the Owner, Mr. GaTHoRNE —— as its loss put Mr. Harpy to extreme inconvenience and iscomfort. 2. A neat set of Peace-principles: supposed to have been stolen from Mr. Newpeeate’s pocket ” a Roman Catholic priest, who was observed lurking about under the gallery in a suspicious manner during Friday night’s discussion, and who repeatedly refused to tell Mr. Wuatcey his business. 3. A Scruple of Modesty: in a screw of ye paper, with the name and address of Bexnat OsBoRNE Pe .P. As this is the first time the article was ever brought into the House of Commons, the Owner trusts that if taken by any other Honourable Member it has been taken by an oversight only. The et is so very small, that it may even have been dropped by the Owner, unawares, and have been swept up with the waste paper by some of the House attendants. gene have been left with the principal pawnbrokers. 1t is hoped that, if found, it will be returned, as the Owner, to whom the article has been prescribed, is suffering from the want of it. 4. A small piece of Presence of Mind: in an envelope directed to the vat Honourable the Srzaxer, and taken from his chair early in the 5. A rough draft of a Manuscript, with the title, Hopes of Office ; a Vision: marked with the initials, “B. Dts.,” and tied up in a bundle, with an odd volume of Vivian Grey, the Revolutionary Epic, with MS. emendations, Detotme On the British Constitution, Danu’s History Pt Venice, PaitcHarn’s Caucasian Races, and NewMaAn’s Theory of Developments. 6. A Betting-book: containing the latest odds for the Treasury Stakes, and a new recipe for a Cabinet-pudding (on the fly-leaf). As the Owner’s name “ JonaTHAN PeEL” is written at full length in the first page, there can be no excuse for detaining the article. 7. An old set of Conservative principles (new mounted), tied up with red-tape in a piece of Manchester cotton print; also a ready-reckoner, the Companion to the Blue Books, a Mauuscript abstract of the tariffs of all nations, the Transactions of the Social Solent Association, inter- leaved and annotated, and a Diamond edition of the Peany Encyclopedia. | The above (especially the principles) being of no use to anybody but | the Owner, Lorp Stan.ey, no reward for their return will be offered. | The Owner trusts to the honesty of the finder, which will be found its own reward. 8. A whip and one spur: the thong frayed out, and the rowel worn | to the stump; will be thankfully received by Cox. Taytor. FOUND,—1. The sight of the question (supposed to have been lost, on both sides of the House, during the debate). 2. Several’ large bundles of Danish pledges: supposed to have been dropped by occupants of the Treasury Bench. If not reclaimed in the course of the month, they will be sold to pay expenses. | STRAYED, a Conservative Treasury Hack : much collar-galled, lame | in the fore-legs, low in condition, and bears marks of recent severe | punishment ; branded with the initials D.D., and a coronet on the right flank. Information to be given at the Goodwood Arms, H,. Lennox. Hint to Fellahs who Call on Us. Iw a case, the other day, at the Middlesex Sessions, Mz. Oscar La Burgw accused Mr. MoRgx1I, a clown, of assault. But it came out that when Mr. More ttt proceeded to beat Mr. Oscar La Burn, the latter, by his own admission, “was humming a tune from the 7rovatore. The sentence was very light. We are glad to see that Judges and juries appreciate the boring practice of humming hack old tunes. If the air had been out of Mirella, Moret might have been amerced more heavily.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Jouty 23, 1864.

A SRR <

» Ki \ xs AN \ WOds | i

THE WINNER OF THE QUEEN’S PRIZE. Carrais Poncu. “ANOTHER BULL’S-EYE, PAM! EIGHTEEN A-HEAD! FIRST PLACE STILL; AND MIND YOU KEEP IT!”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. eH ne ik ae nn croquerT. i th rE | if ~ a3 an nas So 25 ait Easea HH: Mr. Morr. Miss ScrEecu. By Howsetr. Bete, or Younc anp Lovety Betye about to rescue Cavalier. (Looks at IsaBELLA, expecting her to say something. a—a— and nods, intimating that he has for- It doesn’t matter which, as the plot is somewhat intricate, and the audience have lost the thread. Cavalier. And so, dear IsaBELLA. Isabella. Ah! Scunz—A Dungeon. Cavatter about to rescue Yoone awp Lovery hinks everything is going on capitally, and shuts his (érying back in the dialogue). The King will show you no er mercy. Cavalier dear IsaBELLA (asi: word? hearing this t [Becomes confused. Indulgent audience applaud. Storm Proupren (Looks earnestly at Mx. Murr, "5 the a. pause. to his origi: a are awkward pause. IsaBeLLa determines never to play with __ Ma. Morr to PROMPTER, 3 eee . Eh? What? P Cavalier. The word. aed a No—that is—yes book. Isabella furth (pue. (More again. Where ’s the page ? my spectacles? (/inds them). or hard with ease, any way you please. should oe * t, ; hese two ; do. t would that oes ways, praise, me some t’other praise xi. eae te Tineue Shane ane Sines v For edhe that, two the one vice versd, are condemned by them. Who hold spin thie here n-ne omnia » ny es choice. the best thi take your you buy your implements and np! every mode: whate’er determine on ; fact. xml. playing, then the clip throughout the land ; legal phrase !—“‘ An Act of metal : —_ —— ye wy through whic ques 8 once cuts s ks m with a rt you next tion vexed he a Sag Bort uch wi decides the See Polite tres: but that eo af Gi lit i I fuel 2 i rc) ul

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Juny 23, 1864,

| i | iL | allt) iy , i f ) i! | HT

ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER. “Go rr, Orp Dusty, rou’RE aS GOOD a8 A Forrun To Us; so TIP US YER Foor, anp I'LL Just Give yER a Seine ror Norsinx.” > THE NEW COLOURS. & Nursery Sea-Song. ie So we ’ve done with the Red, White, and Blue, | And we’ve done with the Red, White, and Blue, For we hear from Lorp CLARENCE, The nautical Barons Have made an arrangement that ’s new. Her Majesty’s ensign is White, Yes, Her seeieaty 2 ensign is White, And ships of all nations, Must make salutations, Whenever that flag comes in sight. But what have you done with the Blue ? And what have you done with the Blue ? That colour is handed To vessels commanded And manned by Reserve-Men so true. Then who shall display the bold Red ? Aud who shall display the bold Red? | Bold Merchauts, whose story. Is England’s true glory, Shall hoist the proud flag. Go to bed. "

]THE NEXT VOTE OF CENSURE. Suoutp the present drought continue over another week, Mr. Disrazii will. move in the House of Commons, a Resolution for an Humble Address to be presented to Her Masesty stating :—“ That this House views with the greatest alarm and..concern the long continuance of a want of rain, as fraught with peril to the best interests of the country, and regrets that, whilst Apmrrat Fitzroy has been retained in his post by Her Majesty’s Ministers as Chief of the Weather Office, all. measures which the Government may” have taken to obtain a sufficiency of refreshing showers have been unsuccessful.” It is under- stood that this Resolution will be equivalent to a vote of Censure on Lonp Patmerston’s Government.

Two Ecoynomicat Disnes ror Duvwer.—Two Dishes with nothing on them.

OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. Dzarn Ponca, < SoMNAMBULISM and npeiy have both been represented on the operatic stage, and witnessed with the plaudits of many a pleased audience. Amina walks in sleep, and Lucia goes mad, and both of them to such sweet music that one is charmed by what to some people might seem a painful exhibition. More recently, com have from mental aberrations turned to physical complaints, and: sickness has been sweetly set to music for the stage. — : t i consumption, and the chief interest is sustained by her portrayal of the gradual advance of the disease ; while in a still more recent work the unhappy prima donna is smitten by a sun-stroke, and dies after seeing visions, which she vocally describes. Perhaps ague will be chosen next for operatic treatment, and this disease would admirabl suit the French vibrato style of singing, which fosters quite an agueish vibration of the voice. For vocalists who sing as if they had the shivers, a sharp attack of ague would be just the very thing to make their singing natural; and while the tenor his shaking fits, the baritone or bass might be afflicted with the gout, which would give opportunity for a burst of vocal vehemence whenever a twinge came, or some one trod on his big toe. One surely sees enough of sickness in the world, without wanting to see it introduced upon the stage, and I could wish that in Mirella the sun-stroke had been stricken out of the libretto, ere the pen of the composer egun to labour at it. Of course if foolish girls go walking in hot climates with nothing on their heads, they run the risk of being smitten by a coup-de-soleil ; but there is very little interest in the sight of such an accident, and really I should like Mirella all the better if, when she wandered forth to Pray for her lost lover, she had the common sense to put her shaw! and bonnet on, and, for fear o sun-stroke, take a parasol. When she sees the vision of what is called in the libretto “ a wonderful city on the brink of a large lake,” and aings out in an extasy, “ Fors @ Gerusalem, ed il suo templo santo ; fors é Pavel delle Dive del mar,” I dare say a good many people thought it In one Opera the heroine goes off in a| OQ

very fine; but I could not help reflecting that the poet had derived his inspiration from the ballad, wherein poor little Buty sings at the masthead :— “* Tsee Jerusalem and Madagascar, And North and South amerikee, And the British fleet a riding at anchor, With Apmirzat Ne.sox, K.C.B.” With all its faults, however (and for these not the composer but the poet may be thanked), I think Mirel/a quite worth hearing by those who like to hear a pretty, pleasant, re unpretentious pastoral pera: and I would specially give credit for the way in which this last named quality throughout is borne in mind. To people who are fond of judging i comparison, and cannot hear one opera without thinking of another, I would’say that the bold song of the rough suitor Orrias is as picturesque and rugged and well suited to the character, as the as of Mephistopheles, “‘ Dio dell’ or ;” while the charming recitative whic recedes the air Mirella sings before las comes to plague her, is a it that made me think of WepzR and Mozart. What most pleased me, however, was—no, not your song, Mrs. TREBELLI, piquant as it is, and piquante as are you ; nor yet your one song, Miss VouPint, pretty as it is, and pretty as are you—but the duet “4A, parla ancor /” in which the two girls’ voices blend so charmingly and sweetly that he must have the ears of Midas, who does not feel a pleasant tickle in them while he listens to the strain. I should not have spoken of the ms so much, but that of the theatres there is so little to be said. Indeed our managers this season seem somewhat bent on following the early closing move- ment, for unless you cross the Thames, or made a journey to the City, you will only find four theatres which are not now shut up. At these you have the choice of either seeing the Ticket of Leave Man for the three hundred and sixtieth time, or of seeing Mz. WeBsTER in one f | of his old —— (Janet Pride or the Dead Heart, pray which, Mx. Cxttic, c do you incline to call his best?) or of seeing a new play—at least a newly borrowed one—for Ma’amseiite Stretia Cons, or of seeing a new burlesque on the now fashionable Faust. If you have caught the Faust fever, and have given your two guineas to see Parti as Mar-

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Jory 23, 1864] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. 39 herita, you will grudge and note the Farm Ca her conception of the character differs from | your pet’s. Moreover, you will find that her husband gives a thoroughly new reading to the part of Mephistopheles, quite distinct from that attem GassizR or Faure: and, as a further tempting novelty, you will in at the St. James’s, find the Pocdle introduced, whom out of reverence for Gotue, Zoby was particularly pleased and proud to see. As to the Princess’s play, it is certainly worth seeing, if only to rub | up one’s Spanish history a bit, and gp one’s acquaintance with | Kure — HILIP a oom d his fat “A CHARLES = Firru. a mu ex see some likeness in Majesty, Kine St to caliee. Mr. Visine, you will certainly be isappointed, for, except perhaps in voice, there is no resemblance traced. The King looks as if he had been framed as his 3 had walked out of his frame, so like a fine old Spanish does he look. Aw reste, Ma’amserie Sreiia Cons is a little person, and her attitudes are always pleasant to behold. thous her admirers doubtless like to see as much of her as possible, she should not have been tempted to play two parts at once, for it | needlessly hae and must perplex the pit. I don’t want to find both suit her very well; and I very much prefer pardon, Mr. French Author) the words small cy ae ee — a talking ie aed poetry of SHAKSPEARE s} a and a somewhat mouthing voice. One wuo Pays. THE GREAT RESTORATIVE PARTY. To Lop JoHN MAnneRs. SSI! ONxSERVATIVE has broken down, allow me to tell your Lordship what. Our party must be re- organised. We must return to the old ways. In the first place, let us drop the name of Conserva- acrown to see Mrs. CHARLES MartHEws, | we might also call ourselves If, | dro ped ; reaction has begun ; it may tives. What does it mean ? Conserya:- | tives of what? Of things as they are ? | Why then we con- | serve all the Liberal | legislation of the last five-and-thirty years. Conserve roses and apricots ! Conserve my eye! 2 - myeell sim- ya Tory; alwa: aia, always shall. I don’t want to con- serve the whole of the present state of| isthe work of Whigs and Radicals. In fact I may say I would if I ‘could abolish the best part of it. ; The so-called Conservative Party may get into office by a turn of luck, but it will never stay there. No party can keep in place now by concession to popular demands. The only difference between the Conservative and Liberal parties is, that the former party does that with a bad grace, and the latter with a good grace. It must of course be the favourite of the two. _. Office is at least as hopeless for truckling trimming Conservatives as it is for old Tories.. But since we can’t get place, let us stand by our, ciples. If all is lost but honour, we may anyhow as well keep em. Conservatives are ugnendins the very measures which — denounced and opposed with all their might only the other day! I tergiversation. I say it is disgraceful. We may own that we have been but ought to maintain that we were in the right. Let us assert boldly that we were, and are, and always have been. They ask what our policy is? Let our straightforward answer be :—“ A retro- grade policy.” Let us boldly proclaim that we desire to reverse all the measures that our predecessors opposed ; restore the Test and Corpo- peal ion and Reform, re-enact the ration Acts, re Catholic Emanci Corn Laws, re-establish Protection at large, exclude Dissenters again from the Universities altogether, and subject all national education to the Established Church. ; If we cannot be content with the good old-fashioned name'of Tories, iso ¢ Restoratives ; our avowed design being the restoration, if possible, of the good old times. My proposal is not Quixotic at all. I don’t that we shall get into office, professing the ob and intentions which [ avyow. ut we have a better chance than your sneaking Conservatives. America is going to the the Continent of anarchy, is under oppression. i are fri ; { end in the reascent of Toryism. . Seoparity of, the a ee Liberal me ogame isan insu- rable us at present ; is wu ; e the meanwhile benefits nobody my hn A pone . The dearness of butcher’s is Owi i of wages ; and there are which is that of others. > bide our ng S mn, we must depose hi name nay be Jou, if your Lordship is of servant, | humble Gatton Club, July, 1864. ENGLAND AND THE ENEMY. Ir you are, as you think yourselves, Burope’s Police; Interfere with hand, and enforce Europe’s*peace. You ’re a pretty Policeman, Jonw Butt, to allow Those two fellows out yonder to kick up that row. Ah! no doubt, old one, ’twould answer ends IfI — to those hpes fiend But one can’t two, and you know I should There ’s another of your ‘lot those parties behind. That is all a pretence to excuse standing’ by. Twotoone? Pack of stuff. Isn’t France your ally? Of your backing out only NaPo.eon’s afraid ; If you’ll go the whole hog, France will giveyou her aid. Come, I say, now, you, whom I renounce‘and defy, Do you'think that you see any green in my eye? What a nice course is that you would have me pursue, France does nothing for nothing as strictly as you. Didn’t Victor-Emmanvet Naporeon employ? And what had he to pay for it? Nice and Savoy. Let a generous idea your counsels inspire. You have no end of guns, but you won’t open fire. Though the weak are attacked, you exert not your might. You have ships, you have soldiers, now why don’t you fight ° Either fight or disarm, you behave like a goose, _ Keeping up these huge armaments—what is their use ? Oh! what, don’t you knowthat ? Well then, wait and you ’ll see, In case any of those friends of yours molest me. Now then, back, and be off, for your hoof I espy ; And you won’t humbug me, so it’s no use to try. MRS. HARRIS BANGS THE BISHOPS. We were afraid that the Conservative organs would be a little angty at the overthrow of all their party hopes, and the on Oo} their party prophecies, by the majority that has confirmed Pam in the possession of office. But though we “ give the losers leave to chide,” they should have a little decorum. ho so devout and devoted a friend of the Church of England, who so reverent to its venerable bishops “ sacred with the oil of the Apostolic succession,” as our reli- gious friend the Standard? Who so piously indignant at Dissenters and other atheists, who dare wickedly to thmk that bishops are ay men? But it seems that bishops. are only when they vote wit Lorp Drersy. Hear what the religious d says of the o i “« The Bench of Bishops is filled with the creatures of the party, who 1 aon an elasticity of pe ob to which only fF chinediglen Bob k that moav bound to vote even for a falsehood rather than not ‘ magnify their makers.’ ” We shudder. This from the great Church of England organ! We thought by the scoff at “ Episcopacy,” that we were the Pres- byterian Record, but the words are the words of Mrs. Harris of Shoe Lane. What shall be said unto her when she gets another religious fit, and the venerable hierarchs of the Catholic and Apostolic Church be- come angels again ? “ Elasticity of conscience to which only Episcopacy can attain.” And this is the which the clergy are thought to read, and to consider “ably written.” It derides Episcopacy, and profanely: parodies the Bible! Mrs. Harris, Mrs. Harris, why don’t they keep the pens and ink from you when you are excited, M’m?

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40 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ‘ > — == Ue | luli iy yy Z gf ii} /| My / Wy 1] Mi Music Master. “Now, Miss Louisa, THaT SHAKE ONCE MORE. I’m arraip You’vE Not BEEN Practisina.” {BHM AWHKJ UNH NIH ' we £ {Fx KOR Miss Low’ (His Youngest Pupit, and fond of choff). “Ow, Mn. Tarrtitz, I Vorz we TRY soMETHING ELSE. I SHALL 70 Seake LIKE THAT TILL THE WintER Time!” HINT FOR CLEANING WINDOWS. (From our Colwell-Hatchney Housekeeper’s Companion.) Window Cleaning.—Be careful rot to stand outside the windows, but sit down upon them, pulling up the lower sash, and pulling down the pper one at the same time. Take out each pane separately, and clean it. This should ‘be’ done quickly. If the windows are of by glass, their appearance is much improved by throwing stones and dust over them. the corners of each pane with a sharp-pointed stick, which you can easily push through,.so as to remove the dust from the interior and exterior simultaneously. , The Hoxsekeepe:’s Companion also contains the following excellent Rules for establishing Libraries in villages and village towns :— _ 1. That every subscriber be allowed to take out all the books at a ime. 2. That he may not keep them away for more than a month, oe after special application to the Librarian, which shall be invariably refused; but which refusal, to avoid all offence, shall not have any effect on the subscriber. ; ‘ 3. That'all persons paying nothing a-year, half in advance, shall — life-members, and be admitted to all the privileges of a full member. - 4. That a member shall be only a full member after dinner. 5. That forthe purpose-of diffusing useful knowledge in the village, all the books shall be in Hebrew, Sanscrit, Syro-Chaldaic, and ancient Hindu characters. : : 6. That the library shall be open once a-year, from ten till four, during which time the Free list will be entirely suspended. 7. No restriction as to evening dress, which will be worn by all sub- scribers throughout the current year. Yer AnoTrHEeR ror Bantine.— Farewell, a long farewell to all my greatness.” THE WICKED LITTLE ONES. Tue Evangelical Alliance, as it modestly calls itself, has been holding a four days’ conference at Edinburgh. The discourses were not re- markable for anything but length. But the Alliance felt itself bound to do something to promote Sabbath Observance, and we are privileged in being allowed to state that a devout man, the Rev. Dr. JENKmINs, was inspired with a revelation, which if it be properly heeded, will prevent all Sabbath desecration for the end of time :— _“* The Rev. Dr. Jenxuys said, that he greatly feared that purents were not sufi- ciently careful to put the children's toys out of sight on Saturday night.” Now we have it. The children do it all. Wicked little wretches! If ter had their way, we believe that instead of going three times to [| & ” the pro’ chapel, and learning catechism between “ worship, fane little heretics would sit out in a field, and string flowers and sing, anid even play cup-and-ball. It is awful to think of such juvenile depravity, and we heartily thank the stern Jenxrns for pointing out the crimes of the lisping generation. Now we shall know how to prevent Sabbath dese- cration. Little did we imagine that the real authors of so much evil were crawling about our knees. But forthe future let them look out for birch and Calvinism. Notice to Correspondents. Ir is not true, as has been absurdly stated, that the National Dis- count Company discounts’ Parliamentary Bills. We cannot undertake during the hot weather to supply our readers regularly with iced Punch, + ta The Opposition whip does not give any of his party the whipping that some of them deserve. PICTORIAL. Picronzs-of Frit and, Vegetable subjects are quite in keeping with dining-room ornamentation. Hang up your cucumbers in their frames. [Jury 23, 1864, | Fringe’ | by William Int etriars, City eo. of Londen.—8atunpar, July 23, 1964. , of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, « , Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriara,City of London, aud Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City erick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverle Street, in the Precinct of

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Jory 30, 1864.] PUNCH, OR CHARIVARI. THE LONDON Oy es * x — ? N-aaee'Ss!/ “4 9a BS —— | eee eee |\\\ A FACT.—NOTICE WITH A VENGEANCE. Fond, but Stout Parent, “ Yes, SHE DOs TAKE NOTICE, SO; AND SHE'S BEGINNING TO KNOW ALL THE Bgasts IN THE ARK BY NAMB, TOO. THERE, BaBy, wHay’s 7HI8?” (Holding up Hippopotamus. ) Baby (unhesitatingly). “‘ Mam-ma.” LOFTY SPECULATIONS. PrortE who have more money than they know what to do with should dispose of it in the purchase of shares in some of those highly promising joint-stock companies, so many of which we now see advertised in the newspapers and in | circulars sent to us through the Post-Office or left by errand boys at the door. | If a man is estimated by the company he keeps, he will of course improve his | social position by joining a company, in which his fellow-members will, many of them, be noblemen. It is now getting to be quite a common proceeding amongst the aristocracy to become directors of assvuciations formed for the purpose of keeping taverns and shops, or, as their advertisements say, of “ acquiring the business of Messrs. So anp So,” guaranteed to return at least ten per cent. Various prospectuses of these dignified concerns are before the world—or behind the fire. In addition to the schemes already ag ne by noble lords and gentlemen to small capitalists who regard interest rather than security, we may announce the following :— The Queen’s Counsel Company (Limited).—The formation of this Company has been effected with a view to acquire the practice of the Queen’s Counsel. Its | efforts will likewise be directed to buying up that of the learned Serjeants, and the other leading barristers. . ¢ : . The Medical Attendance Company (Limited).—The object_of this Association is that of acquiring the practice of the principal Physicians and Surgeons of London, and supplying medicine and advice and surgical aid of a superior quality to the British public. ; Syip anp Co. (Limited).—This Company has been formed, as its name implies, for the purpose of acquiring the business of Mzssrs. Snip, Guoszy anp Co., the celebrated tailors. The United Applewoman, Tater-Can and Oyster Stall Company (Limited),— has been formed for the acquisition of the whole of the business at present carried on by the old women, costermongers, and others who keep the various fruit and fish-stalls or this great Metropolis. Capital £1,000,000, in 10,000 shares of £100 each, of which it is not intended to call up more than 6d. a share. Having submitted the foregoing list of eligible investments to confiding minds, we may ask what product of domestic cookery is resembled by an airy commercial speculation which comes to grief? Not a hash; no: do you give it up? Bubble and Squeak. THE COMING COMET. Arrn—“* There's a Good Time Coming, Boys.” THERE’s a Comet coming, Boys, A Comet coming ; We ourselves can’t name the day, Nor can Mister Hinp yet say, When the Comet ’s coming. Oar last Comet came out strong, This will come out stronger ; Comets’ tails are very long, This one’s will be longer. Chorus. There’s a Comet coming, Boys, A Comet coming ; There ’s a Comet coming, Boys, Wait a little longer. There’s a Comet coming, Boys, A Comet coming ; When the Empexor shall be Thinking but of Eucénie, , As the Comet’s coming. Workhouses shall 7” their doors, None shall die of honger, Ongaieeen shall quit our shores, ait a little longer. Chorus, 'There’s a Comet coming, Boys, A Comet coming ; There ’s a Comet coming Boys, Wait a little longer. There ’s a Comet coming, Boys, A Comet coming ; When poor needlewomen may For fair work receive fair pay, As the Comet’s coming : Brutes who beat their wives shall be Scourged with a sharp thong, a Cabman shall act civillee, Wait a little longer. Chorus, There’s a Comet coming, Boys, A Comet coming; | There ’s,a Comet coming, Boys, Wait a little longer. There ’s a Comet coming, Boys, A Comet coming, To the war an end there ’Il be, When Americans shall see The Comet coming. .. Warlike keels shall not at sea, Rouse the slumb’ring conger, Universal peace there ’ll be, Wait a little longer. Chorus. 'There’s a Comet coming, Boys, A Comet coming, North and South Amerikee, Wait a little longer. , There’s a Comet coming, Boys, A Comet coming ; *Tis to strike Earth’s upper crust, Gracious ! won’t there be a dust ! If this Comet’s coming ! Hinp, perhaps quite wrong may be, TaLMAGE may be wronger, In BisHor’s ob-ser-va-to-ree, Wait a little longer ! Chorus, If a Comet’s coming, Boys, met ’s coming ! May you, with me, Be there to see, But—wait a little longer. The Yankee ‘‘ Devil’s Own.” SeveRat of the Commanders of the Federal Army are said to have been lawyers. ‘The American Civil War appears to be the first in which troops have been led to action by Attorney-Generals. VOL, XLVII. FP

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. [Jone 30,1864). | services, deducting certain smart speeches, studded with studied PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. apeonnta, extend only over a period of six years, when he was Admi- |. : ralty Secretary. If, as is supposed, he is discontent at not being ULY 15éh, Friday. The | enabled to add to the obligations under which he has placed the nation, CuanceLtor took | he is not likely to excite a national agitation for his return to office by vengeance’ on the! rudeness to the man whom at this time the people chiefly delight to Bishops who, in Con-| honour. Vocation, had | con-| Werhad another New Zealand debate, and again did Waatury Tue emned Assays and Re- | Wise announce his conviction that the natives had beet stirred into views. Lond HOUGH-| rebellion by the Pore. A wonderful thing is fanaticism real or bre introduced the! affected. When Esexezen ELtior® saw a man fall off a haystack and St go an elaborate | breale hisarm, the poet declared that: “ there was another result-of those and historical speecb, | accursed Corn-Laws.” Drivem into acorer, the ingenuity of the poetic and asked whether! mind did, we believe, devise a conestenation of events which connected Government intended | the broken arm with Protection. We guaranteed a loam to carry on a to take any notice of) war whieh every ome wishes at an end. Government declares.that it is the action of Parsons | oniy » small portion of the natives whe are opposed to us, and also Parliament. This gave! denies that cage merchants those natives: with arms. No, Lonp WEsTBURY am) bag sell them to so-called Sill caticapaliotenents them to innings, and he went heb line: testo, and anyhow’the result. is, that the obituary in at his work, we were the 7imes, when an Australian mail has arrived, contains announce- a to say one veenait ; ments of the deathsef English officers by vifies, ut there was love lost betweem the} Tuesday. A Bill for the Mutuah Surrender of Criminals between high contending par- England and Prussia, wasread a Second Time in ties. The er | that: it does: mot legalise imi poured out all happy to hand over Franz Mop vials of contemptupon | for the Commander of the i the Priest. drew | a ludicrously awful icture of what. would | were going to Japan. ject of our action im Japan has: be the final conse+ beem represented to be the extension of trade, it was supposed quences to the | these were new and ad and Clergy, shouldthe| that: they are gallant. Britist: Crown look at their} ball, and oo and that if ‘ proceedings in earnest, | the: bayonet. : but said that there would be no interference at present. And he} Ma. Macuree set out the remarked that the condemnatory resolution was of so “oily and — | deseribe themselves as ruined by Free I - naceous” a character as to'be harmless; from its eel-like nature. is, that the mamufacture is not half so much ruined as is Primate having Gravely justified the course taken by Convocation, and that the nation is better off, in regard to paper; the Bisnor or pow having spoken with his accustomed shrewd Lorn Rosert Mowracu deprecated the renewal of an old sense, our friend the Bisnor or Oxronpreplied to the CuanceLuor. could not see why makers should be befriended at. the expense of con- Of course, the words “oily and sapenaceous” conveyed no hint to sumers. s the ee 5 The celestial mind is above such things. But in the} Sie F. Smorm brought up the rather important question, whether the interest of the Church, and truth, and humility, and so on, Da. Wi1-| British fleet is properly armed, but the Admiralty declares that it is BekFoRCcE did blaze out with uncommon fury; charged the CHAN-| minding its ope bana in the most elegant manner, and will hear of CELLOR with “ribaldry,” but said that the fabearchy would sooner | no Commissions of ae Mr. Butt will be good enough to make endure that cross than fail in their duty. The conflict between the ‘a note of this debate. Should an English my eee the fate of tlie Seal and the Mitre was edifying and suggestive, but it was hard work A/abama, he may have something to say to my Lords of the Admiralty. ; : | - for a Bishop in a passion to defend the petulant follies of Convocation | Wedendag, Gash. teaistenss. tne elinsh te the WE te slewing be oe es pata the Commons, except that the very Church Prayers to be read in Schools, that the measure jog es improper proposal to double the Australian postage stands over until drawn, and the Dissenting interest may be congratulated on having the Colonists shall have informed us whether they desire a bi-monthly obtained one victory this Session. mail. This means a mail twice a month, though, grammatically, it) 7xrsday. The Lords read, a Second Time, the Bill which Mr. Punch signifies a mail every two months, and we are enraged to find Govern- ‘took so much pains to explain, for promoting the use of the Metric ment adopting the vile slang of the half-taught. . | System. Nearly all the Chambers of Commerce are in its favour, said er 4 ean hg Fn tS er Royal yim Sed aie, the Duxe op Ancyit. Lorp Brovenam regarded it as an important _ wasn rs b pat 2 - _ a “= ut, me * gare Med te a sep = -; hey speteny wats trusted that it would lead to a further penny indignation, ' mass when millions were going, nightly, on extravagant Estimates. | p geen h fedies ph goa en of Cremorne in tliat peaceful dis- Mx. Hevnessy, mentioning that some similar assistance had been half | triet, Kentish Town, the Magistrates have hitherto been protecting the promised to Dublin, repined that when we had “ruined” Irelaud, we | quiet residents against what they consider an awful nuisance, by should insult her with music, But what says the Irish bard, Mr. declining to license the place. The public-house interest has of Moors? ; sli ins oe |course, a mouthpiece in Mr. Cox, of Finsbury, and he demanded othe por wer nen ema | that Government should bring in a Bill compelling the Magistrates to Come, take the Harp, and let me lose | give reasons for such a refusal. Str Geonee Gker replied that. it. was All thoughts of ill in hearing thee.”§ GB business of his to a —_ a Bill. tases beatttis insadienid Aab aad , Re as " ? A necessary measure has been somewha' ily introduced, bu pints. boy 9 a dies on ants notanda. It ae not be Mr. Punch’s| ought. not therefore to he rejected. It isa Bill for the Relief of the a u uty to do away with the hereditary Legislature. For, to-night, | @,sual Poor of London. The purport is to charge all the parishes with Tne fo M R Tarp T P | a general rate in aid of the unfortunate, instead of leaving them to the Gar rt ae es Mam Tn Laeger mel hepa ten. ure os authors of the greatest of all the Emancipation Acts, but Mr. Punch is | mae eae eg tng pg — mame pt no niggard of reward to those who have done his bidding faithfully. | levine the most hideous te that can haunt a city of Christians. Further particulars will be duly announced, and Italian fiends at a| Mm ) : Indi . is a distance will keep there, and accept this intimation. fen Cimmaae Wise, peenges in Hen indian Rasen, Sees ‘a Sesion Ghede ne core Mn B 0 +s chiefl | surplus of £1,800, 00. Weshould add no more upon so utterly unin- \ , a y Mk. DERNAL USBORNE, 18 chielly | teresting and unimportant a subject, were it not that Mz. Grant Durr, he extreme calmness and courtesy of Lorp | M.P. tor Higim, used language, in reference to. good-natured, courteous, Ossorne towards the aged Premier. Mr. Punch is not a harsh judge ant sealouns Sin. Cuanene: W Gen, which in clterdage soot nemo of hasty lang , but. Mr. Osponns, who was born in 18)1, might woul, shenght ungeatiomanlys :: neuider— remember that Lox Pazaczastox was born in 1794, and might also| ot culy tbe 'atan Budget mbmited atthe end of the Senn, bu, ey remember that Lornp PALMERSTON began to. Serve his country fifty-five jected sentences jerked out by.a Minister to whom Heaven had denied not-only the years ago, aud has been serving her ever since, while Ma. OsBoawn’s | power-of lucid statement but of articulate speech.” Ce eet OO

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Jury 30, 1864.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. The House has been called the pleasantest club in London, but there | Cambridge. I suppose the Working Women of the Working Women’s is - — yt ae such ald perm i would be tolerated. We College, all but those who doubt whether the Codgers would permit it Maas to Makan ts and still the t , that i h| rot eae | eee San eee Pron facie resson, Gat nocwed | will expect to marry University Working Men, at least, and will as Prussia had broken the ey of bins yr and the peace of Europe, England ought not to hold herself d to continue to guarantee to | set their caps at the trencher-cap and not at that which consists Prussia the Saxon provinces which ihe. ‘holds under reaty. But|0f brown paper. Barristers, Lyris * and surgeons, beneficed Lorp Patarerston could not see that the gross misconduct of Prussia | clergymen; such, I presume, are the Working Men wa, wanting freed us Treaty engagements wives, will go to the Working Women’s Collegefor those requisites. for ‘enabling the authorities to regulate the traffic over | As yet, however,” the Working Women’s is not actually in bridges. This police measure was so much wanted that existence. For its actual establishment. however, the old, old condition we are surprised it was violently opposed by some Metropolitan is indispensable. “ Money is = as “Shere are una- Members, and declared to be.a violation of common law rights, the | voidable ee which must be ” of wourse. You may read Thirty-Nine Articles, Magna Charta, and the Vaccination Act. by Starlight that :— Friday. Lonp Sraarroup pe Repcurre desired to know whether | ,., Tbeseurs estimated at bebween £300 and £360ayeer. Enerder that the per- theme any truth in the s of a new Holy Alli Lom yeass'erpeoses aball be g may be rape a, ~ td — thou there Tones and that if there were any,a ~~ tothe public.” lliance co © little harm im these days, especially as an Boglead axmee-tidliy @ , toneil “This ie ae Bat So now then, if any of your: senegal ate | Lorp SamarrorD ‘DE Revcuser does well to ae When a licemanwees three well-known 43 ‘whom they would like to Doe Seated by-and-by for 8 = litera scientific s er the. let thane come ju on ae theaal for the Workin tie Works Women's em office of the Star. ies | suppose they maysend their nee i pany wish h “t Soume lady “ho vig ignorant, an ardent attae t to a been sent to a Working W; Leuntingpememapaaiinlaadiie @emvrvoy. being ns, coats, aui-diher things hich Sn renshented -aoald be 0 Ptabred on far cenetlions private “Dhere-wes much sense in what rp age ame But we do not imagine enone tine Sr seepseny when we shall out ‘his views,amd when, England being at war, at-will be A ede that the eontract Sor taking Sebastopol Prero® ewho have been-assigned to Messrs. we H — pe rerersenenipane: on the first S\ SSS . WIVES FOR WORKING MEN. Op. Pouxcs, THERE is now before me a newspaper called the Morning | Star. Itis a peng paper, but Paes Pie coniene one Fag an ah thing. That | is an account © “Working | Women’s Goll Tt is to be waren we ike the Working Man’s , - College = alge in Great Ormond Street, where I suppose the | literary working men who some time ago wrote to the Times for and | against extension of the s , were educated. The original Literary Dustman was brought up, as you know, elsewhere, but in the neigh- ** You recollects the cinder eep as'stood by Gray's Jun Lane, Sirs.” About the Working Men’s College, though, I am not joking, and | don’t in the least mean to e fun of the Working a Among its promoters the Star names Mr. Lircuriretp and Mr. V Lusuineton, the Rev. F. D. Maurice, Proresson See.ey Pro- FESSOR CarRnes, Da. Caarman, and Mr. W. T. Maizson ; men of a material more or Jess substantial than straw. The Star, mith 1 to the 7 “former of these gentlemen, remarks that :— an ‘Me. Lavcnrircp and Mr. V. Lusumecron with the attention totes in tell agusrentes that the. project is no weak invention to make a flash in the pun, and ‘be seen no more.” No doubt; only allow metosay that the Morning Star cannot have been up sprees talk of a flash in = pan at co ee — pans have been-exploded long ago e explosion of copper i their turn, needles will soon explode in exploding car- owen s.The tern evieny no shooting ata, The our brillian em etracts nothing from the interest of its aitiole on that noise iaelbation to pe and is inapplicable. The article Working Women’s College assures us 1) aN \\NY “But still the house affairs would draw her thence,” &c., &c.—Smaxsrzans. Beautiful Stars. THERE are two stars visible just now, that all dramatic star-gaszers ought certainly to see. Of these Stelle, the one is SrEuLA ae Ease at | hee Princess’s Theatre, and the other is La Stella dell Norte ra-house of Mr. Grz. They both are evening stars, and in — of their admirers doubtless both of them are viewed as stars of the magne Telescopes to see these stars may be hired any evening at | | a very trifling charge, and all who wish to take a sight at them must mme which ‘the promoters put forward has nothin ing visionary about it. The of the subjects for which elementary and advanced classes will be formed includes Latin and French, vocal music, drawing, social economy, -_ physiology, besides the more but certainly not less useful ari grammar, ry, and geography.” Come, I say, Pusch, this will be. a Working Women’s College, indeed. What sort of Working Men do you think those will be who will be suitable mates for the Working Women of the Working Women’s College ? We are all Working Men, as many of us as have anything to do, and do it. It seems to me that to be eligible for the band of a nster of Arts even, who has yey at the Working Women’s on a fellow ought to have i a pretty good degree at Oxford or look somewhat sharp about it, as the stars will both be setting in a very few more nights. ve Brsnor Conewso and Carprnan are ' Professors appointed to lecture before the = of th the ¢ Royal eon Society during the Vacation, when they will each advance his views of Inspiration. -

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 30, 1864, EA Xx, The “ Governour,” one of the right sort. “ Yes, Jost as I anp SHOOTING, TO LEAVE THIS QUIET VALLEY AND GO BACK TO FEATHER-BFDS AND SHEETS AND FINGER-GLASSES AND TURMOIL AND TRUMPERY, MIX ME ANOTHER PANNIKIN OF BuranDy-aNnD-WateErR, Bos!” I CAN'T BEAR TO THINK OF IT. ; || Ser ) Nf il | Me yet i / 4 , wm’ VAL THE Boys Have Got COMFORTABLE, AND OUR HANDS IN NICELY FOR BRIGANDAGE AT SYDENHAM. Mr. Ponca, Sr, | Untit the afternoon of Saturday, the sixteenth of July, I | have all my lifetime been under the impression that this was a free country. Provided that one did not trespass upon private property, | I thought that in Great Britain one might go ee where one pleased, and do just what one chose to do. On the fatal day, however, to which | I have referred, this fond belief of mine was effectually dissipated. That afternoon, in a weak moment, (my watch unluckily had stopped and so | can’t pateey specify which moment was the weak oné,) I | allowed a friend to take me with him to the Crystal Palace. “ Come and see the pretty actresses,” said he to me, alluringly, “They hold a | fancy fair to-day for the Dramatic College, and ee may stare at them, | you haaw, as much as ever you like, and won’t have to pay a penny for : the privilege of doing so.” Well, thought I, one doesn’t often get the cbance of seeing actresses for nothing. So in my innocence I went, and, donkey that I was, I quite forgot to recollect to leave my purse | behind me. | Well, Sir, directly I set foot within that fatal fancy fair, I found my freedom gone, nearly all my money also. A dozen pretty robbers held me captive by their smiles, and would not suffer me to go till 1 had o good ransom. How many fans and fancy-fairings and photographs urchased is more than I can say; but when my pockets were quite full of thin bound by the magic of her eyes, the while she deftly fastened a rose-bud in my button-hole. “Only half-a-crown” I had to pay her for this ornament, which I knew in Covent Garden would have cost me ouly twopence. “ But you know it’s for the College,” said she, with a sweet smile, and, after robbing me of half-a-crown, thus robbed me of remonstrance. And, Sir, will you believe it? while these brigands pillaged me, the police stood a by, and never stirred a hand to help me! There was I entrapped, waylaid and robbed, and at the mercy of a gang of thieves who really looked most killing; yet not one officer of justice came there to my rescue. Having wholly lost my heart and very nearly all my money, I con- trived at length to slip away from the Scylla of these Syrens, but then I came to a Charybdis in the oy of an Aunt Sally ground,' which completely wrecked my hope that the plundering was ended. Here I was kept prisoner until I had paid for half a sovereign’s worth of shies, and had been so far successful with them as to hit Aunt Sally three times on her nose. Then, being released, I was dragged to a magician? who conjured half-a-crown down my throat without my knowing it; and after being forced to pay two shillings more to be frightened by a ghost, 1 had my few remaining wits completely frightened out of me by finding myself suddenly in the company of a gorilla, a lion, a big bear, and some few dozen more wild beasts. Add to all these tortures the still more cruel one of being forced to go without my dinner (for the rough-and-tumble feed you pay so dearly for at Sydenham, it were a mockery to speak of by the sacred name of dinner, when any shilling slap-bang is far worthier of the word), add this climax to my misery, and you will hardly wonder that I still growl and grumble at the treatment I received? But charity, as Lord Dua- dreary says, helps annually to cover a whole multitude of skins, and the money I was robbed of I know will be well spent in a good charitable cause. So I will forgive the Syrens, though I know I can’t forget that were quite useless to me, one fair syren held me spell | them: and I’ll acknowledge, if they please, that the remembrance of their smiles is a sufficient compensation for the injuries I sustained. Wishing the Dramatic College therefore all success, which this yearly playing of 7he Robbers must tend greatly to ensure, believe me, my dear Punch, yours and Mr. Wesster’s and the lady-brigands’ to command, Joun Jones. 1 The presiding Brigand was one Joun BaLpwin BucksTonr, well known to the Pclice in the Haymarket. 2 A versatile imp, called Tootty, no doubt, and who has a familiar known 35 Little Pau, both under subjection to a BLanp Magian of Bund Street. 3 We also were robbed of a good appetite by confiding it to a very slatternly bar- maid and a “ cheeky” tapster.—E&d. Latest From “ Lx Foriet.”—The Sweetest Thing in Bonnets :— The Ladies’ Faces.

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LONDON CHARIVARL—Juny 30, 1864, PUNCH, OR THE ha a = = j = — SS S . Woon SHORT COMMONS, OR THE MINISTERIAL WHITEBAIT DINNER. Pam (Heap Wairzr). “IS THAT ALL WE’VE GOT TO PUT ON THE TABLE?” Jounny Russzxt (tHE Coox). “HERE’S MY KETTLE O’ FISH!”

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" Juux 30; 1864.) THE MORAL OF THE WHITEBAIT. serps Ballav. Ir Pee a wate Sam Ofte Moet boune to dine— to pated and the ee Maton. cia that at least one Bill orks to crown ! black to Spy ; the Tem ener, ir y steamed by Fi ‘3 2 »E if aH o af ne ee eat Se Dogs we steer; "Bee te aeedbloeene To the table-land that is a by Brann, Where. the:loaves:and the fishes are!” ba hy have ta’en their places at the board, ith appetites whetted keen . But when the covers were lifted up, All bare each dish was seen. “ Now is this a jape?* quoth Giavstoxe the Grim,} And a gruesome wight looked he ; “ T move in Committee of Supply, And it’s: who will second me?” Then up rose Mitwer Grsson the Smooth, And up rose Carpwext the Cool, PALMERSTON — with his wicked eye, resumed his stool . = ‘ PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARITVARTI. “ The gudewife would serve an empty dish, Or one with a As a hint that they who look to dine, Should first thew dinner win. So after a Session ‘lo Ministers blank Methought these-empty dishes here, Might a bint anda warning-read. “ There ’s @tawstowe in his Annuities Bill, One fish with And Jounnyeam beast. dis: of fish— a nice mess he ’s made of it. “But what is bere pe Papen Ewe Though ’twere.twiee as fair and fat And astor Jouwmy’skettleof fish . . . We’ve had quite enough of that. “In therempty pm a ra The Session’s moral And now thatthe ant ies poe worst— Serve, waiters! and guests; fall tot” TRAPS TO CATCH FOOLS. |. Many a valuable lesson on the-art of getting money, maybe learnt from the quack doctors of the presemt.day. Their contrivances; seesh | very clumsy, are found to answer: Avpenny-worth of tressi axomigin | of cayenne pepper, half a dozem a pint of ‘id’ ond five ' shilling advert me is a falure: if eae five or six sove- lreigns. A full-sized goose, has been equivalent to four , horses, a contin tour, and a diamond The — [Yermin-mon Sapa my by the assurance of his friends, that the bi ed an with afew a untouched. A small volume circulated through ee peek, Heew on cunetiont tals. Such a work is bem be hy a unscrupulous prin’ The four ' ingredients—mendac » blasphemy, and 1 rabbish have only to be well-mixed, and eom; is. sure to be greedily ‘swallowed by several lunatics. ) Any individual = has failed im: | with a — an hi Born and plaster = same principies UFF em coal cee mg occurrences that. hap: | though they, penne, a they might ae eR ), and the curator be preferred they are apt to get d mt be ' plunder ; pr the ‘tained in the preparation jars. It aust .decoy-ducks have to sing: the: praises “io this with efees hay a his rivate address for “ pecie a To do this discrimination and judgment. These qualifications are more satiely shen care ta when it is known that they will be productive. An pnentces Ce ee me Pe “fs man from the country,” without indirectly getting puree, must a oer of the very rudiments of The despatch of midnight or ya” « Hints on the Teeth,” can hardly be recommended at — e, when the non- restraint system has come fully into he. Hanwell is converted into a suburban tea-garden, it will answer better. Evem dentists may be in advance of the age in which live. N.B. The Medical Act, open Greneeet Siete pngniatnwdl haguiiigtaaqucten an utter failure: Da, Powcn seriously advises his credulous fends aos: to be eat oe dupes and laughing-stock of the jack ey gr 1864, whether the latter adver- tise themselves as “ registered” istered practitioners,” or mere graperencentteni werner: ee find their way to the dust-bin of every decent: The: very best tonic for nervousness, groundless: and: imaginary | ean be obtained in Fleet Street, every The Victor of Wimbledon. You poets who’re living,. stand meuter, The subject ’s not one you should try at ; Por, considering the His bards should be “ Susger-and Wrarr.” Hien Ant.—There will be, we hear, in the course of a few days, a great meeting of all Royal Acodnehapiass = Six Epowm Lanpseen’s residence, where, in his own studio, the distimguished artist. has camera undertaken to draw a badger.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {[Juuy 30,1864, PORTRAIT OF THE HASS ' WHO SENDS THE FALSE TELEGRAMS TO THE PAPERS. MORAL RISKS OF RAILWAYS. Ma, Poncn, . Tue undersigned, equally with Cavenpo Tutus, and Parter- PA and other correspondents of your grave contemporaries, is imp with the necessity for providing some way of communication between railway ngers and the He is no less impressed with the fear t! are compelled’ to provide it by their own interest. A suggestion for creating that interest on their behalf will, with your leave, _ by him, premising that he, for his own part, and for that of others, s those means of communication as required, not only for the security of defencelessness from ruffianism, but ulso for the protection of innocence from false accusation. It will not be until Srpwzy Smirn’s hypothetical prelate has been given into custody on a fictitious charge of rudeness by a wicked young woman, that this necessity of a safeguard for railway-travellers will be perceived. In the meanwhile the expediency of sacrificing comfort to safety of good name, insured by unmitigated publicity, may be considered. With the view of gaining that point, persons hitherto accustomed to travel in first-class carriages, might now take to going by the third class, and so continue till they can trust themselves in the first without fear for their reputation. That is the suggestion for the above-mentioned purpose, offered by your old friend, Aupt ALTERAM ParTeM. Profitable Reading. PATERFAMILIAS Will be caught by the subjoined advertisement, which appeared the other day in one of the Penny Papers :-— “ ELopeMENT AND MarnxiscGE In Hic Lirs.—A full account of the recent elope- ment and in high life will appear in the, &c. &c. Also, a coloured plate A latest Paris Fashions, and all the latest Fashion and Dress News of the week.” The contents above specified, the paper alluded to, will, taken altogether, be doubtless considered by Pateriamulias highly calc to edify his daughters. it never will be provided until Railway Companies | | murder, and | discarded. In } SOME PROSPECT OF A MILLENNIUM. WE rejoice to find a writer in the enlightened Revue des Deux Mondes following up some comments on the subject of British non-iutervention, with the subjoined observations on that of French :— “ We think that we, also, would do well to abstain for some time from inter- meddling in foreign affairs. France would only gain by falling back on herself, and as in the space of two years ber policy bas failed abroad, she should pursue at home successes more profitable than the diplomatic triumphs which have recently baffled all her combinations Our pulicy should be com in two words,—liberty and peace ; liberty, which will give us back the sentiment of our rights, which will associate us sincerely, really to public affairs, which will complete our political education, which will renew the generous propagandism that we exercised for forty eee in Europe: peace, by which we shall render fruitful all the elements of our ternal prosperity and strengthen the springs of our power. As for our part. we have been convinced fur a lung time past that the surest means of insuring abroad the efficacy of French influence is to urge on Liberal measures at home.” If the foregoing sound and sensible remarks may be taken as the expression of French public opinion, France is to be congratulated on having awakened at last to a perception of the right course for a rational ~~ to pursue, that is to say the course pursued by this country. France has not, hitherto, as some Frenchmen have boasted, and too many Englislimen have believed, taken the lead in civilisation ; but she is now at least more nearly doing so than she ever was here- on, following that of England. Prussia and Germany, in the meanwhile, are adopting the policy of conquest, aggression, plunder, glory, which repentant Eoglaud and France has wisely good time, the French influence, with which neighbouring nations will be affected by the ho of a France enjoying the happi- ness about to be created by the Imperial Government in urging on | Liberal measures at home, will cause those-nations to kick out their | | despots. Prussia, Austria, and Germany will then follow in the wake of France, as France has followed in that of England ; Russia in the same way will follow the Germanic nations, and be followed by the kingdoms | of Ashantee and Dahomey. | MERCENARIES WELL PAID. Mar. Pouxcn, } _. _Taus remarks the correspondent of the New York Tribune, writing from Fredericksburg, on the sufferings of the wounded in the American Civil War :— “*Over every rod of the way and in the best two-horse g ambulances, a jarring motion was communicated by the absence of balf the 8 on the planked side of the road, and the ruts and holes cut intu the clay side during a week’s rain by the transportation machinery of an army of 100,000 men. On such a highway, and in such a manner, did these poor fellows, who stretch their bands out of these ambulances and army waggons for tin-cupfuls of water, ly travel—some with arms off at the shoulder, some with legs off above the , some absolutely with an arm and leg both off, bundreds shot through the leg or the arm, or the breast, some with horrible wounds of the face even to the loss of the jaw and the destruction of speech—all presenting in the aggregate every possible variety of gun-shot wound.” Among these mutilated soldiers, Mr. Punch, there were probably some for whose miseries we must feel a pity which we cannot express. Very likely their number included certain wounded Confederates. Ineffable compassion is due to brave men jolted over s—— roads, maimed of arms and legs, or having their bones shattered, thei smashed, or their jaws shot off, and having incu this wretchedness in defence of home and country. But what sympathy can we feel for the wretches who have received these hideous mjuries in the endeavour, for the sake of dollars, or of glory and promotion, or from a mere savage love of fighting, and in a spirit of wantonness, to inflict them upon others who have never wronged them? It might seem a charity to distribute among them a few copies of the above-quoted extract from the New York Tribune, with remarks explanatory. of the personal privations and inconveniences therein detailed. I remain, Sir, and hope I may continue, yours ever, Armament Square, July, 1864. ; Pax. THE GERMAN BAND. We wish that Mr. Bass, in his bill against bad music, could have shown some way of silencing that troublesome German band, which has done so much of late to disturb the peace of Europe, The Kine or Prussia has been playing the first fiddle in this band, and playing it in harmony with the Emperor or Austria. Under their joint leadership the band has done its best to make itself a nuisance, and very serious complaints have been on all sides urged against it, to which it has however paid but little heed. A meeting has been held to protest against the band, as disturbers of the peace; but though everybody said that the nuisance should be stopped, nobody seemed willing to take active steps to stop it. As we abomwate all rows, we trust this German band may shortly be bound over by somebody to keep the peace, though we know of no one who has sufficient faith in them to offer to come forward as surety fur their doing so.

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Juur 30, 1864] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

PROSPECIUS OF A NEW THEATRE COMPANY. rest for two New Theatres have been Thames The Tun- nel itself will be utilised for dressing- with the Committee onee a fortnight, at his own expense. Any Holder of tnore than a‘ Thousand Shares, shall participate in the same privileges, and wear’ a uniform: on Sundays which shall be provided out of the wardrobe: of the Establishment. Holder of Five: Hundred Shares’shall be admitted to any part of the means of the ordinary payments; and any holder of more than this number shall be entitled to a ref: ent ticket, if any. A Holder of Three Hundred Shares may be permitted to: light the gas (but not to turn it on) on the stage, under the superintendence of the paid gasman. He shall then be allowed to quit the Building unmo- lested by the meanest official. : Any person holding One Hundred Shares, shall be permitted to hold as many more as he likes; and may visit the exterior of the Theatre at a He and ee a ‘nd nab be. fi pat formance an or requen’ any part of the House ; but that he shall be liable to Sedcaihipnenened on re: occasion for interrupting the performances. ‘ All Holders of Two d upwards, may exercise their own judgment in choosing the Dramatic Pieces, and may give the characters in the same to whatever performers may take their fancy in of the numerous Londow-theatres. - ‘o secure respectability, the Machinery will be entirely worked by Shareholders, three of > iam if respectively neneee One Hundred Shares, shall hae the prindege of paling up curtain and calling the ors. Holders of Fifty Shares: shall be dressed in a. becoming livery, and - carry on a watering-pot wherewith to lay the dust between the cts. Holders of Twenty-five Shares may do what they like in any depart- ment unconnected with the Theatre. The Call-boy’s duties. will be to attend to the Shares, and make the ie ean ~~; ae Acting Members of the Co all ‘Oo ensure ony amo cting Members of the Company, m7 between i "ite dians, Light Comedians, and Low medians of the first second class, shall be submitted to the Com- mittee, who will sit daily in the Treasury from ten till four to adjudicate upon such matters. Every Shareholder, considering himself an author, shall be entitled to have one or more of his own pieces produced during the Season; an shall have an undisputed right to the entire stage management. The Theatre shal be thoroughly ventisted on ealicly new prineiples atre on entirely new prineiples, as yet undiscovered. ‘ ring the Summer months the Private Boxes shell be iced; and in the Winter Season shall be warmed by patent stoves. The Cg we Theatre has the advantage of being close to all the Railway Stati Cabstands, and Steamboat Piers. Dining Rooms, Supper and and will be B Apartments for Families, wi to the Building. Further particulars will be duly announced.

Aprorntwent.—Mx. Bawrrye to be Adviser to the Corporation of the Sons of the Clergy. et

sel

Red Green CROQUET. PLAYERS. . Mr. Ropmvson. Blue . Mr, Jonas, Ydlew. XV. Ove mallet’s length from: what'at first we call The Starting Post, the "puts his ball, Here o’er the red our swith calm Determination, lifts hisdexter arm, Whose hand, which even Savers’ self might shun; Grasps the firm mallet gleaming in the San. Not otherwise did Artau lift on : The bright Recalébur and foes defy. “ Now then, look out!” Red’s war-cry; and with care The weapon slowly euts the air, The list’ners hear the dullest tap proclaim The first blow given in th’ exciting-game. Here Rozinson’s right hand itgeunning shows, Through the first Hoop the ball obedient goes, And rolling onward seeks with gentlest *Twixt first-and second Hoop aumiddle dieed re its skilled master withmo ewnste of force an the next vantage gain u is course. The Two Hoops won, {he Redamust now go through The Third, that’s parallel with number two ; But. from it distant twenty: feet, and so Back at a sharpish angle you BO. Now berein lies the art of arts, to send Yourself to'such a place as not to lend The smallest aid to your opponent, yet Where youw’ll from your assistance get. Well, Rosrysow this crafty method knows, And will essay; but he cannot “ dispose.” A buzzing fly or some malicious elf pikes 7 or Beelzebub mens him; very <i comes up to worry him; And when heshould be slow and sure to hurry him. The Blue and Green do much enjoy the joke, Brunette is angry: Red is “ off hi stroke.” Dame Fortune suddenly her wheel reverses, And his ill luck Red, sotto voce, curses. The fickle jade who ’s backed him, now: has tricked him, He hits to where he ’I! fall an easy victim. His turn is over; for this rule ’s obeyed, By none may two successive strokes be played, Save one of these three following things you ’ve done — Have Koquéd, Croquéd, or a Hoop just won. The meauing of these terms [ll soon explain, At present Ropinson can’t play again. XVI. Now Jones commences, and both Ln me makes, Then steady aim he from the second D At Red, and if he hits him, ’twill be seen What we by “ Roquétting a personj’” mean. Huzza! ’tis done! Muss Suara the deed applauds As partisans cry out “ well hit” at Lord’s. Napvleon-like, with folded arms and frown tands Red. “ Oh dear!” sighs*heavily Miss Broww. Intent upon the game, without a word, ; Jonxs puts the Green in front of sary sw third. Touching the Red, and thus the foes met, On Green is Jones’s foot securely set. When Greek meets Greek, we ’re told and not before, That awful moment comes the tug’ of war;: To Croquét Red, is Jonzs’s present’end, That is by striking Green the Red to send’ Up to the limits of the Croquét ; Whenee he’ ll lose time in coming again To his original position; now To “ Croquét anyone” I’ve told you how: Jongs struck the Green, and “f the Green struck Red, = ow - ania foeman goed dew § onour the brave! cannot choese vo leave the Green —— the feld! eem not, careering JONES, you won The ape till all you’ve got to do isdone; Nor be faint-hearted, eerf a other —. Till he has dove all that he’s got to ever should one pairing Actum Est de, etcetra, till the other’s wheeed "em.

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON . ‘4 . rT voy = * as ¥* ¢ _ «f Bh ne THE “IMPERENCE” OF THEM LOWER CLASSES. First Bystander (British Workman) to Second ditto.(Gorgeous Flunkey). “ Wei, BLOWED IF I WOULDN'T a’MOST AS 800N BE YOU,, JOBNNY, 48, ONE, 0’ THEM FELLERS THIS ’OT WEATHER! !” . Leap up, and shout, and hail him with a roar, Tue Greatest Bore. “WHO’S GRIFFITH ?” For in July, Que, Eight, Six, Four, . Gn Ove aoe PA twelve monte 2 aid Dauny G. In Commemoration of a Grand Parliamentary feat. and twice upon the Commons’ floor v af (They laughed, but what cared he?) Fame! Blow your trumpet. And in the selfsame day,— In honour of the greatest man that liveth : Read papers, if you doubt— r if you have a drum; just thump it, Harrah! for Darsy Grirriti! Renown is his that never yet surrounded ° - Any M.P. ‘ Let all electors gaze, and say, astounded, “ Yes, that is He.” Not once nor twice in our rough island story, A thing twice done has brought a Briton glory, But +b like this, O Fame never! , For be “A ‘lady’ fell off one of the boat piers at Scarborough, and was in imminent, | The th ht of uallin th : f; of Darsy! 4 danger of being drowned. Three fishermen let each other down, forming a chain of | BO Seems ¢ SEAS. AMS @ ° | their bodies, and saved her. The ‘ lady’ did not even thank her deliverers.” | wice Mayor. have liberal Aldermen been greeted, : Twice Killed is Kextzy’s most triumphant play, | Nor, we understand, did her husband. Twice Speaker has a Commoner been seated, And twice ten years has Punch been England’s stay. | ‘suuue se eden: } Devizes, twice thy Member raised his ‘bray, ° And was, in most unceremonious way, Twice Countep Oot. Conjugal Unanimity. A Yorxsurre Paper says, last week :— | | et eR | Twice men have had small-pox, spite vaccination, : Twice men, have married, spite the warning Past, A CorgesPonpEnt from America says,— ' ex ae way be wl in.mad pecans t “* If Les makes a dash at Baltimore, New York will quickly change its note.” wice have ris ‘ortune on the dicer’s cast, : : : : 2 Twice have men tried a Crystal Palace dinner, nie” and may then find it easier to change its note’than its green- | b ben sought to fot a Peeler on his F : ut never yet has Briton, saint or sinner, , , Performed great Darpy Guirritu’s awful feat. A Waif from Wimbledon. Hear,it, O, Counting Bassace, hear with joy, | _“ Pray. don’t hurry on so, it’s really very dangerous,” said Captain Hear it, O Bipper, Calculating Boy, Cuarury to Miss Lientroot, who was in‘ haste to see. the. shooting. For counting such as this was never done |“ Dangerous!” exclaimed the lady, “ Why, what is there to fear?” Beneath the Sun. | Well,” observed the gallant officer, “ you see, some of our fellows Hear it, all 5 ee pes you may be ak remarkably good shots, and you might be mistaken forthe Running 0 “Dip d or sea, Printed William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Webu n Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras.in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 1!, Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of Waiechions City of Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whiteiriars, City of Loudon, and Published by them at No. 8 Fleet Stre-t, in the Parish of St.{Bride, City Longon, of London.—Sartunpay, July 30, 186:.

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—" Aveust 6, 1864.} CHARIVARI. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON .““HOME, SWEET HOME.” ° ACCLIMATISATION IS ALL VERY WELL IN ITS WAY—BUT IT IS NO JOKE, ON RISING TO THE SURFACE, AFTER TAKING A HEADER, TO FIND A LIVELY HIPPOPOTAMUS AS your COMPANION OF THE Batu. SALVATION OF A SERVANT GAL. Puizze ser your artishes Age! 4 han drors Characters of survant mades In crinoleen makin hof us look ridiclus And the Same Way your littery gentamen Poakin their Funn at us in Print about Our catchin Fier continually and Bein bernt to deth now mr. punch don’t be onjust and So mutch as Yuve sed a Bout the Accidence a Risen from Crenoline by fier to Pore servunts its only fare for U to acnolige the Perservation wich an instance of the Enclosed and Having by the Elp of a pear of Cesars instructed from the Zhames nusepaper i ave the Plesure_at this Oportunity to reques faver of your assertion :— “Savep spy Crinotine.—A few and went close to the of the a distance of a 108 feet. Her crino! landed bruise, a nursemaid lost her way on the cliffs at Newquay? tous cliffs, when she slipped and fell to the beach below, e expanding with the air, however, so broke the fall that she without a scratch or and, although much shaken, was able at once to walk 100 yards and inform her mistress of the occurrence.— Western Morning News.” there now mister punch wot do yew ~ to That if it addent a Bin for that ’s crinna lean to a certingty Shed A broak Er neck and wosent It a she Add it on so now pleas sur doan’t Never say Anuther agin Drord in it Stickin hout so Hand lookin like Stoopids . a nise Coppy of Versis and a Picter of the Nussmade a like a Haingel from Eving or the Hintreppid feemail airy in De sipidge in a Parashoot. There is praps sum objexons cookes and kitching mades Att the Fyre i wont say but wott it may out a place but for. them Has as to Wawk hout with Childern and look Respect- able an is on cliftes and eye winds you must Admitt is a Savin of Hum Teastways min to Nussmades anyow Its werry tru crinuline sum time es fiar, but for Wunce in the way u se were cort by the Wind witch itt ad_not Bin half Up i mene al Down with the wearher so no more cryin Down s which now in course we air hall cock a hoop and i remain beleave mee yure Afectionit umbel Searvent P.S. i Think it Wos a good Puff for Crineline. Belgraveyard Guly 1864, # SARY JAIN, PROFESSIONAL LOVE SONG. THE LAWYER. SpnxsteR of the Saxon beauty, At the Grainthorpe Manor mill, Of this heart you’ve had possession BB nee» my uncle’s will : ours the image all-e ing When I try to read Reports, You, my Amy, am I drawing, Even in the Chancery Courts, Ah! that brow as smooth as—vellum— Ah! those lips vermilion red— Kisses wherewith I have sealed them No one ever wi : I would sue the man who ventured To deny you with taste, I would tax his costs who hinted An “impeachment ” of your waist. Soon the long vacation ’s coming, Soon the weary term will end ; No more writs and affidavits, No more actions to defend : I shall take the first conveyance— Train at five P.M.—express— I shall count the sluggish moments— Forty minutes, more or less. Meet me, Cousin, at the Station With the trap that ’s duty free, It can rods and gun-case, , prochein Amy, Past the glebe and old inclosure, Past the deeply martnon inn, On to where the freeholds finish And the copyholds begin. There I’ll make my declaration, There Ill and plead my suit ; Do not let it be “ in error,” Do not be of malice mute ; But “surrender” to your Cousin In the customary way, And become the donee, dearest, Of an opal negligée, I’ve a mess recent purchase— Sixty-eight in Mortmayne Row, Title and unencumbered, Gas and water laid below ; Come and share it, undisputed Owner of this heart in fee, Come and be my junior partner, And my better moiety : J. P. Wipe shall never part us, And in time we both may see. Girls, fair copies of their mother, Boys, the counterpart of me. TEXTS TRANSPOSED. = ei peat of tor I furnish t the request of my Preceptor I furnish you with a few Fhe Be of my Joe Sn ny consisting of moral sentiments and maxims of my own selection :— Procrastination is the soul of business. Punctuality is the thief of Time. Familiarity doth breed respect. . Virtue is its own p PP Vice is its own 3 Application is painful, jae er commands privation. Perseverance wi i Caution comes to grief, In the pleasing hope that the foregoing evidences of my BF ite , and of my moral and intellectual rogress, may merit and rewarded with your Kieal appeo- on, T remain, my dear Parents, Your Affectionate Child, Mentor House Academy. om. VOL, XLVII.

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52 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aueust 6, 1864.

PARLIAMENT. OyAL ASSENT WAS GIVEN TO THE Srreet Music-Nvt- SANCE BILL, HENCE- FORTH THE ANTI- Gruoypers’ Act, on Monday, July Oth. ~ The same ceremony was performed upon several other mea- sures, of no import- ance, and upon-seve- ral tons of Railway Bills, and we shope that somebody is looking after «Mz, /Sessi PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF GAA+* DW SN We f Hi | | |! I My i! ei Mf /} / Wy. may reasonably driven ~e | wits by the prespett a = ‘nterpotuns [Bees ommet Fe “— ea in To — it Poe more .amusing, | cevery. \Parhiamen herammed intorit. \Wevventure,:mn order to male this narrative readable, | interesting and »ex- citing little work. The toom for- \to warded a Bill forthe * New Zealand bean, but Lorp Mammess-| )Yewean go, and the-QuEEN is very: much BuRY thought _ ' "Lhevwweather the Colonists to do ~ own War that “the | ar —~ an unjust } and unholy one. So thought Lorp Lrve- | DEN, formerly Vernon SmitH. The Duke or CamMBRIDGE that our troops felt + pee at the War, and declared that they were | only too happy to kill anybody and everybody whom they ht “be instructed to slay. Lorp ELLensoroveH believed that the Colony would not be able to meet its pee Loree. The Commons talked miscellan Lorp Patmerston utterly declined to attempt any mediation in Taeiiles The Fortifications Bill passed after a debate, in which orp Haarrtineton stated that the | country was by no means = a “deplorable” condition in regard to | ordnance. We are glad to hear it, bat. only the other day the Duxz or Somerset asserted that we had no side A Bill for sending out raw and taught medical officers to India was rgjected, which was well, but itis ‘not so well thatthe Army is medically officered to a great extent = such Papeaans beeause men of talent will not enter a service in which t The Bill for penal an through Committee, was afterwards Lay wy through the Lords and passed; so that there is reason to pope that we shall be spared | many painful and. shameful scenes with which men who walk the streets on winter nights have been unhappily familiar. Moreover, the Commons set themselves against the Bill for the Sur- render of Criminals between us and Prussia, inasmuch as we know what despots mean by criminals, and we are not go’ going to be entrapped into a treaty to hand over refugees. Government had to withdraw the Bill. The Germans will say that this opposition arose from the ill- feeling generated by the Danish War, in which case the Germans will | gp tm which is untrue. he House rescinded the Vote that turned’ Bos Lowe out of office. | Now, he had better rescind his resignation. It was: clearly shown that he had not done anything dishonourable. It was by no means so clear | that his enemies had no . LAYARD said thet we could do nothing more for the Cireassians, whom the Russians have ex: lied, with their usual barbarous’ fidelity | toa Le poliey of acquisition. The brave mountaineers and their long rifles | will be missed on a day when they might: have rendered good service. Tuesday and Wednesday. Routine-and flat talk. We except.a clever but awfully bumptious speech from Lorp ExiensorovcGH, who retains | the old-fashioned idea - Brivanyi rules, not only the .waves, but | all the shores they wash

Thursday. The Lordi, but not in their Parliamentary capacity, de- ! cided that Mus. Loncwortn Ye1verton was not the lawful wife of | Masor Yeuverton. The Lonp Caancexvor and the (absent) Lorp | Brovenam <2 that she was, but the Lonps WEnsLEYDALE, ‘ rox: i regpectvel ache the aires inageeh th TON- H were the adverse majori' ucting the — Lapy Avonmore, on would say that | i was every reason to congratulate the lady on not being linked to e Major. Logp Epwarp Howarp was pathetic about the foolish fellows who go to America and are trapped for the F service. We imagine that the number is really rather small, but itsis well that emigrants should be warned. Mr. Peter ALFRED ai eng the emphatic Radical ‘Member for Leicester, took an cpeeaey of of declaring that the'Federals were resolved to put down Sla the power to eee Meiand and throwin do-so. “With :the (Confederates rav. bi ‘New ‘Yorkinto contheenatian, the*declaration seeme ‘Pater had ‘better go dewn tothis: constituents and S aiiens up well for : as to ‘bear Mz. Coxwe.1’s balloon ‘to :pieces .and Fomarder sa, because they thought his pascenhwasnot totakeplace. Pkeir treatment of :the balloon was the pmore-supprising, because: folkswho returnaa. Petar TPaytor must be rather, partial to:a"Wind-bag. Fan ace vis hhappy ’ tovsay, ‘the ‘iastiadgyj.6f a do-nothing

BRADSHAW “ied denied |. are et for the Casual Poor of London sii and Pemer. | ~The Royal Speeehwas read, tense rorge sony YWastsury. [tewas:a curious - \We cannot hhelp vbhinking “that :somebody had'*vehaffed” Loxp shim that there was nothi yan bat he m0 om + -youuwe make a Saal avvast quantity oe on which ‘the Address was been: twice.as long.and -a great deal ceoneervable tary topic was show both “what wras: thhe rinciple a little smanoubiliiediipeemmniad eens princip out, might linaes: been said in the | obliged - by:your hasbeen uncommonly hot lately amd ‘Har Mazesty sup a syou have done.a-good deal in the way.6f-cup.and-other oo0l | arp yssorryewe ‘could not make peace between (Denmark «and Ger- | many, Si bat hope that it will soon be made. Fe funny -pieture in | the Charivari, representing ‘Hagland, wwith<the: eae teeth, | | sayang that she was true to-the memory of ‘Nxssoy,:and would not | insult him:by-preventing the bombardment of. “Wehave got ot nid of the Tonians, ee that the Greekswill like them. -lonia: reminds one of the Tona, and a -beantiful: beatashe is, and jif any of - are going to Scotland for the reeess,you eat’ t ido better than get aboard her at Greenock, and -steam-up*through ‘the lovely scenery of the Clyde. Her salmon cutlets are also lovely. / We are on good terms with China. ‘The prices which china fetches | at Curistfe AnD Manson’s are perfectly astonishing—people must be | ceracked,.as well as the saucers they buy. Have patched up matters between the Hospodar of Moldo-Wallachia | and the Sultan. If you are visiting Constantinople, you will of course go to the Mosque of St. Sophia, and do not forget to buy a handful of | those pretty coloured glass cubes that your guides scratch out of the | great mosaics. We regret that. Federals and Confederates are-still fighting. By the way, New York seems to have been a deal riled, because the } Deerhound did not hand over the Confederates whom she saved from drowning ; but why don’t the Yankees abuse Louis’ Narozzon for not | giving up ‘those who escaped to Cherbourg? Very much obliged to the Commons for the money voted. ‘The-rer pecuniarum, as Pau Beprorp calls it in his entertaining book, is something that even a Regina can’t do without. I believe you, my liberal and munificent ones. Lancashire distress has diminished, and we trust that the raw ma- terial of industry will be extracted from countries that have hitherto furnished it scantily. This means Cotton from India, and elsewhere ; | but talking of that, we have not settled that Sim Sxpyey Corto is to be the new Indian Commander, although he is.seventy-three, or.so, and | therefore, of course, the fittest man for the place. New Zealand is not quieted. But only apart of the natives are in revolt. It is to be hoped that among those who will be finally oblite- rated will be Lorp Macavtay’s eternal New der, who is now becoming a nuisance of which the poliee should take notice. ee - Rast Indian possessions are developiag their resources, and the le there are generally content. Grant DuFr-was ly rude Ito HARLEY Woop, about his inarticulate budget, and deserves’ to be called: Grant DUPvER. The Assent has been | Did you see that’ one = to many measures of public usefuiness. of the public usefulnesses, the shutting ae houses after one in the morning, produced: a maiden assize ‘at ' Street next day? But we must not be proud,‘ because that is yp The new Factory Act will be beneficial to women and children. And if youll exeuse the joke, the new more ‘Act, for wallopping | garotters, will also be beneficial to women and children by «protecting their protectors from murderous attacks. The new Assurance Act will benefit the: working classes. The As- surance displayed by the opponents of the measure,.and by. the officials

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARE 53

little Companies, more remarkable than delightful, but the other deals ope into > thems elegantly. The new Act for saeeres Advances for Public Works in the Manufac- Districts will be useful. Are you not glad to be out of the way works in London? What with Mz. Tawarres’s Sewer es, and tle Embankment carters, there is no moving in the streets. But I suppose, as the French say, one can’t make:an omelette without otheeliee ioe’ making jtitsier to: make Rail will: make th cada: But if the dizectors do not invent some. mode of ‘of terrestrial: business. ee developement of is:Mike Giapsto and it is eee Solitudés:of* Hiacvarden ies he may the way of ‘newstaxess. Buti sufficient re that-youshave been ablé:tordiminish taxation. By say, you, bit: that’s > and oer meant remission inthe figures. If had laid: om taxes of taking them off}, you know thixt: yow would have:borne it patient. The middle elassesmever com returning to your rrespeetive (and resppetable) Gounties you will stil’ h have im t du orm, hope thie grouse will be plentiful and not too strong on the . Bythe way, this speech does: at Suny So anee you ‘as live in causeehere you are. That’s awkward, not to say uneomstitutional. We will’ vary the formula next pro n. Some of these are connected with: the linkingrtogether of ie commen dees not meamthe acts of noe couples, but alludes: to! jolly fie ou ondér different kinds of cul} | pee pritieetO which: cibbdlioees Can joimpyaees, private theatricals, and all thing. Mayall that you déctémbito the happiness ofthe people. Somecfolks fromedull ebating, Inay:be: of and. ceasing -~ bs must, oecasionally be serious, know what is Ido not* know that I need detain several gentlemen of the Commons will be gl go and e hands with the Speaker. I should keep gloves on, as Re weather is so warm, but this i is matter of taste, or rather of feeling. That is what the might have been, as well as what it was, but — as it was, Mr, rejoices that it has been said, and it is with ction that -he again puts the stopper into the bottle of avsoas of Parliament. may hint that yo one means to oak: yintended.

LADIES. IN: PARLIAMENT. Dear Mr. Poncu, G-comne t! never: reed debates, no lid iaiddetdhd id-miatle 00:48 0th & trated unin husband, or a:tyrannous Papa. Bit now‘and thenI own, I do like hi a debate, at least I mean I hand enn the For abe chatting with the lady friends one whom one: knows, and loves raged rm rier that Sir G. Bowrenr intended A Hire take away the nasty grat stuck before and: sogive us air to breathe and not keep us u tp ie emai as we have peer But nae ou know; FRep tells me say that if the horrid visible, and: this the stupid Earatcetens an yr estioans ont e proceedings of the “not be desirable.” eee ae as a married man, I think he-ought to be company, the influence of ladies must ix G. Bowyer was quite right im reminding’ (to sit in-open a rely in the mo abygetnn tn 200% th : are n t) ie ie = lady Pd does, unless 1m ab Cowrzr said, he tho the exposed to such’ an ordeal as as be. = Gracious me! on hot jon the rack! The idea of ladies’ ” for men to undergo, when I’m t to view it as an dearer and a compliment. by ies — near eine it Sees 8 hema —, avery good t half so:much as men do. tae that men say, too! eee, ae ; ee Si toi tn. I ‘| subscribe myself; in all féminine humilityy,

I declare we don’t Eee edema ame . 1’msure there’s not one speech in fifty that ’s worth listening to, and not one in a thousand where the man might not in half the time bave spoken all he had to You never heard such hesitation, such hem’ing and such ha’ing, “such a saying of the same things over and over again. Well, men may tell us that we ladies don’t know when to hold our tongues, but we shall cer- tainly not learn much if we-follow their example: T really think if ladies might sit where-they-were seen, the Members would be awed into a-better'style of speakingy At least they wouldn’t be so prone to call eachother names, or bullied bore ladizs sad sothe because men don?t <r hoo ullied. before ~ and so. the debates would’ be cleared from so. that, when an: pe ome getting rather th Seta e7e, § and — down tbe ep "Bacland Sets omoemppw tl, ze an ott alowed to® sifiin though poe tongues, say. ee re Sanmdmenddiinente » they permitted to ape Be tee: Se be next‘Session the penn igh ates meee be Jie a fered to take part inthe debates. a natu féebinclined to give: In the hoperthat Mr. Panch, whovissthe forrthe credit: of. thee country, carry this« eg I don’t pole that the ct to geen sight sary vo in _ rifle-shooting;. Howecammen expec eee sslgetw ort aving when thoy: dasemmbiléok-avladgein the face! ae

PAM’S HOBIDAY.. Tree others-aze off tothe grouse-or-theesalmon;. Their stables or stubbles, their sheeprand theirckine: : They have tenants to tickle, constituents toe gamumon;. re’s Baden to punt at, or Paris to dine; Some are dozing the seas, some are doing the ‘mountains, me, Murray in hand, yawn through galleries afar ; Some, like Darsy GrirritH, are seeking the fountains Of news at those sources, where breeds the canard. Of correct country houses the mill some are grinding, Philand’ring, and flirting, and dodging exam ; < are trying to croquét the ladies, and finding, To be croquéd, not croquét, ’s the lot of a he, All, one way or other, the means are contrivi But in vain, to kill him, who'll kill us -by by, ——_ ainst whose sharp scythe most confess there ’s no striving, But whom Pam, and Past-only, still dares to defy. Yes—let others by desperate attempts Time at killing, Acknowledge their terror lest Time should them: | Pam boils eggs with Time’s glass, takes his seythe, blithe and willing, To prune the lush growth of his secular stem ; Where blossoming bright, round the stout lignum vite; The flowers of the summer in winter are seen— Till we own Pam the eae more old, the more mighty— His‘head may be grey; but his heart is still green. Not for him the repose craved by brains pomeempnane Not ‘for him the distractions implored by Romsey’s Rifles reviewed, by express he'll ~— carried, And drop in on the lieges of Bradford to tea. Is.a —s to open ? a‘town-hall to n? A’ school to inaugurate : ? Pam is the man. What ’s your name f ?” “M.orN.’? Wesuspect, as As the man’s “all imal” theb hie manne aheeda be P we listen, Pan!

Contagion on the Rail. attendant on railway travelling is now added that | ot eee nowy if | something more. To the other rt of Small-pox. we catch that, some of us will probably catch

A Question rok a Competitive Exammration.—Whatsdo you know of Henry THE Eicutx, and who told you?

Morro ror Brrumvenam.— Honour Bricur.”’

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| Surgeons, It seems that they are not to be had at t | ments by which they do not | pay necessary to maintain it. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ‘CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 6, 1864. T ° REFRAIN FRow CROQUET IN AMERICA. “TRvuE THAT WE HAVE TAKEN UP THE Forgian Game or Croguit—sut HOW DO WE Pray rr? Not ON THE EFFETE AND SHAVEN Lawn, BUT ON THE BouNDLESS PRAIRIE; NOT WITH THE PUSILLANIMOUS HaMMER, BUT WITH THE MASSIVE WAR-CLUB, WITH WHICH WE SMITE THE BOUNDING Nivety-Six PouND CANNON BaLL, THROUGH A SERIES OF TRIUMPHAL ARCHES, UNTIL WE SINK IT RIGHT INTO THE Bosom or Sun-pown.”—American Essayist. its Latin name? I suspect the hitch is in that Latin. And if, in THE ARMY-SURGEON FAMINE. | addition, you aoe Greek, and modern languages, you render it still EPTED LETTE ; more mmsuperabie. ff San > | So much for surgery. Now as regards medicine. Considering how To Hart pE Grey and Ripon. | doctors a we we a - regen! hope vet god. call marae ; sclence 18 umbug, an that is really useful in medicine is the Me I Oe rey st be done to provide the Army with competent | Knowledge of what to give for this or that complaint, which might & terms we offer | ©@Sily be acquired by any druggist’s apprentice? I put what they call diagnosis, and all that, out of the question. I suppose it’s easy to tell one fever from another, and organic diseases can’t be cured, and men them. Men of education will not come forward to compete for appoint- who are afflicted with them are of no use in the Army. if, then, a —— the position of gentlemen, and the hat is not surprising. hat, then, is to be done? Common sense, uninformed of military | matters, would suggest the immediate increase of Army-Surgeons’ pay, | | and recognition of their social —- e | stand the latter. | a8 Civilians, and something lower. | that they do — tailors, and would not associate with tailors at. all, | But the former step would be | combatant officers will never | If ever so many Surgeons were killed or wounded in | operating under fire, it would not signify. The others look upon them may ony et they regard them as intermediate between gentlemen and tailors. This may be absurd. It is perhaps absurd even of them to despise tailors. But the fact remains a difficulty for Mr. GLapsTone, and and will not submit to associate on terms of equality with Surgeons. There is no ing with a prejudice. Now I should like those who are consider whether it would not be quite possible to procure plenty of Surgeons for the Army, cheap, and pe: competent, by the simple expedient of revising the standard of qualification at present fixed as necessary to the competence of Army: ms. I don’t know, but it strikes me, that a man could learn to cut off a leg perfectly well without learning an of anything else than a butcher, usually knows. I don’t see that the ability to perform the most complicated operation in surgery ires any more education than what has generally been ble of judging the question to received by a common cabinet-maker. Why shouldn’t a man tie an artery as expertly as possible, without being exactly able to pronounce Surgeon need know no more beyond his own art than a skilled mechanic, and if all the knowledge requisite for a physician is no more than might be learned by a shop-boy behind a counter, why exact more from an Army medical officer? Why catechise him in botany and chemistry, and philosophy? Examine him in his own business, and nothing but that. In that subject him to competition if you/ like; invite Surgeons to compete for employment as you might hairdressers. Then you will get the sort of fellows you want; fellows who will be satisfied with moderate pay, who will not want, and indeed would be disinclined, to associate with officers and gentlemen; would be content to mess, where they would feel at their ease, with the non-commissioned officers. In short, if we persist in not giving Army-Surgeons the pay or the treatment suitable to educated officers and gentlemen, we must make up our minds to accept illiterate snobs for Army-Surgeons. By Horse Guards, August, 1864. GEORGE. Art Gossip. Mr. Coox, R.A., on being asked if he would ever send another nautical piece to the Exhibition, declared that he would not, confirming the announcement of his determination with a violent blow on his paint box. It may be said that this artist has struck his colours.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aveusr 6, 1864. VW f | Wey , Ws tog Vi, » CLEARING THE STREETS. MR. BASS (Asmwz). “THAT’S MY THUNDER!”

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| ed WwW “St Aine GB GO @evoqgoon ~~ PHBA S meet I tad

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARITVART. wT

SMM UO SSS VES; briefs and bulls for the comeaonenaianys and glorification of Sr. 8 Srocx. And now, the other day :— "en “iter the lapee of five hundred and ninety nine years trom the date of the death of the Saint, there appeared in the Cathedral of Bordeaux the Prior of the Carme- lite Monastery of London, with one of his and attended by an English layman. The object of their visit was to secure a relic of the illustrious Gant, “6 22, : they te bo ip ey Aemewuss enmminedby Pore Nicwonas:THE TammjiniNGtpentnaetie tee te lena Popes issued sundry | the ” lebrated sH, a fruiterer,” with whom.Juséice | enimanatien The ‘Saint’s arm not to have been’ of ‘holding its own. Ot 4 it might surely as-well hove puabhdd the '**heretics’” heads. **In our Church at wastes a finger of the Saint is still preserved veneration. This precious relic which es of the ‘heretos) has boon the instrument of many the present'time.” Sr. Snow Srock’s votaries appear sesh ot him in:pieees :— ** The tomb of St. Snion “Stock was in 1595, onthe oceasion of the-visit of Doctor of Reli of the Order in , Who had travelled x to visit the tomb of the! Saint, aie Superiors:the bone of one leg for the Church of o' at. 3 also one — sides (une des cdtes) for our’ Church at Valencia. At Orleans, in | eer eee om of ve pee about weer nyptcen eenriched with one of ° e sides (d’une des odtes) of St. on Srocs, which ‘ima veliquary earried processionally every year through the town on the-Second Feast..of Pentecost. .In 1617 the Carmelites of the convent in Paris obtained also some part of the Telios of Sr. Smvon Srock, at the solicitation of M. Mark ANTOINE DE Gourcuzs, thefirst President of the Parliament of One pious ecclesiastic, however, seems to have done what: he could to put the saint together again :— ‘* In 1868, by the order of the: Most Rey. Faruer Gewerat Jerome Ani, all = remained to us of the _— of the Saint’s aay, body was transferred to a ‘chasse’ of silver, ornamented with precious-stenes and His maly skull was placed a silver bust and the lower jaw withine silver box.” Sr. Smton Stock was not of SHAKSPEARE’s mind ; “7 is, he had not, sly, that decided ohpantios to the disturbance of his remains which the. divine Wiiuiams recorded: in. strong language. See, what Sr. Summon has accordingly been reduced to :— ** Amo! ngs the remaining ese femur, an nd parts of othe of other bones. The largest entire by the Eng! And, as for that :— ‘* The relic within its shrine is now henoured.in. the Chapel of the Carmelite Kensington.”’ there of the Saint, of was that pon peeen |

Monastery at ‘Stock is:part: of we Rd ABS Ee |e a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Avausr 6, 1864. ¢ me mes oth - SN FLOWERS AND SLAUGHTER. ‘ iy. eo pom,” Ee. x ComPLarnts are made that tho Sha detail eT Fa a Ri Se of the doings of Feld mentee tates only of seuabie ox _— SON YO, regards the feats of the Confederates. Mr. Punch is happy at \\ to give his friends a into the Southern camp. i Se \ ameewe i an C mae a Texas : ve Faw ~S \ reac im. is of an 's letter. e li RAG N the Confederate seems to be an le mixture of Flowers | | -f = Pall i ily Fa it "i 7\\ Ut | AVAIL fi M RYN Ss RovuGs-RIpER THIs Mornine, Sim.” NT TYP | 5 a ie a PLEASURES OF A MILITARY RIDING-SCHOOL.—No. 1. Corporal(loq.). “Bra PARDON, Sir, YOU MUST KEEP YOUR HEELS WELL DOWN With THis Marg, Sin; BOLTS DIRECTLY SHE FEELS THE SPUR; NEABLY KILLED a and Slaughter. Here are the Flowers :—\ * On our entire cam; the ladies treated us with the greatest of kindness, not unfrequently strewing our way with sweet flowers and beautiful bouquets. More than once, I was asked ‘are you a Texian?’ Reply,I am. ‘ Well, lam always glad to see Texas soldiers, pk ES = = the war.’ our-old stomping ground, we were me’ ‘ eyes smilin, faces that spoke of joy and relief. "hid os see what and p’! our p : of what we hope to realise when we have freed our country and return home.)” And here is the Slaughter :— “* Scarcely halted for the evening, when a party of negroes from Yazoo City, officered by whites—fifty or sixty in num! our camps, suspecting us to be a small scout. With frantic yell, and at full our men charged upon them, cutting and shooting them like beasts—the road was literally strewn with dead for four miles or more. Here and there were seen negroes begging for life. Some on their knees saying: ‘Don’t kill me, Massa, I'll cook for you, black your boots, keep your horse, oranything. Massa, I, was pressed in.’ ‘ You black rascal, I’ll press you out again,’ and down he would come.” The writer pleasantly adds :— “The bloody old Sixth fully avenged herself of the murder of two of her — STaRKs .~ he ope of ——e 1, who fell oa the hands of the negroes a few weeks since near Mechanicsburg. Negroes had better look shy in this climate.” More agreeably diversified life it is hard to imagine. Now we receive a bouquet from a s lady, now we blow out the brains of a kneeling negro. “ How merrily we live that soldiers be!” MepicaL Query.—When a person declares that his “brain is on fire,” is it etiquette to blow it out? THE LAST OF THE BENEFICENT LASH. We have heard little of garotting since the enactment of the statute which awarded stripes to the offence so named. Ruffians may fondly imagine that Act to have become a dead letter. If any do, they will be undeceived by an instructive narration which has appeared. in the Durham Chronicle, thus commencing :— “ Froeeine GaRoTTeRS.—JoHN Croupace and THomas ALLISON, who were con- vieted at the Assizes last week of garotte robberies at Sunderland, and sentenced, the former to five Suhensah of Snaghen 2s tha Goumty Tdson 6 with 20 lashes each, underwent punishment of flogging at the Prison on Saturday.” So much may be sufficient for some scoundrels, who understand well enough what a ing means, and are admonished by a knowledge of the two of their ve hadone. But there are others whose conceptions of the un tness of being fi are so vague, that any information to give them clear and definite ideas on that subject is very desirable for such blackguards. They will — by learning, from the continuation of the foregoing statement, qdan manta S Ereed camuta teres pumeen’ teas’ taqeciendy ca ui iaaidata temas whromk leather, yt x which are nine ete ied these .S to a flexible handle, the power, wielded by strong hands, is _ The construction of the corrective implement thus neatly and pre- pe nd ba eapeag ae to ae been — a labour of love me or, who so ingenio com: it. is scourge is apparently a very considerable casement on the knout, and would Teabdions be highly approved of, as such, by the Empzror or Russia and GENERAL OURAVIE#F, for the purpose of gy Pag to reign in Warsaw, or elsewhere amongst ee Eves. r a line cularising the effects of its vigorous application to an indefinite s cf integument, -those whom it may concern are apprised that :— _ | “The prisoners were tied up in a reclining , the lower part of their i ers expo the higher and f wart of thats take weine petseted ALLIson, executed their task with the states that Mr. 4 pistted, tas sxpacter | were tied up, probab! would ly means the 10 have been more ent, for the warders who had to do them justice. Perhaps he intended ‘to say that they were made fast in an inclined position; though it must have been against their inclination that they were so fastened. Anyhow their situation was such as to enable their disciplinary attendants to get well at them so as to execute their task “with the skill of more practised hands.” The warders not only did this, but they did it with an enthusiasm, and a muscular vigour, which seem to have been inspired and stimulated by the very strongest antipathy to garotters, such an antipathy as might be supposed likely to be felt by persons whose best friends had been tted by the criminals whom they were commissioned to flog. msequently :— - “‘ The first lash was received with comparative equanimity by each prisoner ; but on the second———— _!” What follows may be perfectly well apprehended by the imagination of Puanch’s readers. The physical details however, omitted here, will doubtless have been attentively perused by the unimaginative sort of persons for whose study they are suitable, and to whose edification they must conduce, in the penny papers. We will only add the sequel to those instructive particulars :— “‘ When the punishment had been inflicted, pte Yt eyed ay gen nr aby pe — averred that neither of them could have received another without the . Al h the mers did not witness th: Hoey could hear Ree ee ae cnhaney catlwere in thot colin : tt is to be hope the contem- plation of the punishment may have a salutary effect on their minds.” It is, indeed. All well constituted minds will agree in the amiable aspiration expressed by the reporter of the Durham Chronicle, and sin- cerely hope that the consideration of the flogging administered to Messrs. Croupace and ALLiIson, garotters, may have a salutary effect not only on the minds of the prisoners who had the advantage of hearing them roar, but also on the minds of miscreants disposed to imitate their crimes, who were out of hearing of their cries. The in- fliction of the lash is a degrading and d puni t. May all further recourse to it, for the castigation of garotters, be ren unnecessary by the discontinuance of garotting. the prisoners were taken down and plete —indeed it is 4 Hint to the Park-Keepers. WE understand that, out of compliment to those who chiefly vse it, who by their behaviour drive away more decent visitors, it 1s intended that St. Tames’s Park shall be henceforth called St. Giles’s. | * & ot OD teeta @2 BR G bec oe ee aeheas a A Saag eoo Sc

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meres 2 e BES AZ eds ll, ng & a? Br &

Avavsr 6, 1864.]

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. 59

A MARTINET OUT OF ORDER. BALLY Indian military service appears, in some instances, to produce on the intellect a liar effect, such as may S eauneliared to be exem- plified in the statement thus quoted by the Times :— “ A’ ParTICULAR CoLONEL.—The lishman says, ‘Our readers il remember that a short time Fyzabad, placed Lisuz. Proctor, the cantonment joint magistrate, under arrest for appearing at a ball in clothes. The matter was to the Viczroy by the Chief Commissioner, and his Ex- eellency has expressed decided —— of CoLONEL WALTERS’s conduct, on the ground that it would be highly inconvenient, and attended often with serious results, if a commanding officer were allowed to place a military Officer in civil employ under arrest for what is, after all scarcely a military offence. The Viceroy has also requested the CoMMANDER-IN-CHIEF to take such notice as he may think fit of CoLoneL WALTERS’s conduct.’ ” What is there to render it necessary that a British officer should appear in his uniform at a ball ? Why may he not wear clothes like apy other man, ae decoration to the ladies? For. them, indeed, a ball may be regard as a fit opportunity. of display, but Coroye, Watrers seems to require that officers should e it an occasion of parade. It may be a Colonel’s business to prescribe the costume in which his subordi- nates are to face a of cannon, but what concern has he with that in which they dance at balls? If, at those festive assemblies, instead of waltzes and it were customary to execute war- dances, there would at least be some.propriety in warlike attire, and ‘still more in war-paint, which might with consistency, be enforced b a sa Colonel. The notice which the ComMANDER-IN-CHIEF w robably take of the conduct of Conone. Watrers in placing UTENANT Proctor under arrest for the ridiculous ,reason above specified will probably result, under medical direction, in the administra- tion of antibilious medicine to the gallant Colonel, and the application of eooling lotions to his head.

HINTS ON THE MANAGEMENT OF FEMALE SERVANTS, ADDRESSED TO LADIES. BY AN EXPERIENCED HOUSEKEEPER. THe want of some ——- treatise on the management of that class of individuals, female domestic servants, has long been tin the household-world. It would be impossible for us within the compass of the following remarks to give anything but a slight sketch of a subject, which may at some future time, we hope, be treated of in & more masterly wemanner by abler hands. The few hints we propose to give may.not, however, be without their effect in pro- ducing a better understanding between mistress and servant; for without some guide the best intentioned persons are often through ignorance, led into errors which they themselves may be afterwards the readiest to deplore. On gy Sand servant, it is best at once to state, without cir- cumlocution, the place is an exceedingly hard one, and that you very much fear she is not equal to the work. It is but mistaken kind- ness to attempt. to set things in.a pleasant and comfortable light at first. A little exaggeration the other way is better, as the subsequent sur- — be all the more pleasant to heron finding the work not so as represented. ; It isa. good plan when you are initiating the new maid into her duties, to at length on the merits and good qualities of some predecessor. Feelingly deplore her loss, express very faint hopes of ever getting one like her again, and end by a general lamentation over servants as they used to ‘be, the small wages they used to ask, in comparison with what they,demand now-a-days, (it will add force to | Your remarks if you illustrate them by a reference to the wages you give to a ay ra and. their and imexpensive raiment as

e Ansey and crinolines of the present time ; and as servants who are fond of dress punnilieapetelad to .obtain

most admirers, you will thus be led by easy stages from crinoline to followers, against whom it is, of course, natural, nay,:indispensable to the maintenance of due order and obedience that you should inveigh in no measured terms. Having thus made matters smooth, and paves the way to a good understanding between herself and yourself, youswill have the satis- faction of perceiving that you have made her ““ know ther, place,” a branch of knowledge which all authorities agree to be mestimecessary for servants of every grade. Should she have “a misfortin,” as the breaking of acwinesflass, or oe like, begin S once te blame her beseanor and bom pmer en to any explanation (“ gud s‘excuse,” -youiknow, “% ut threaten to deduct the value of the article outof Ter rage Toro h you are, of course, aware that servants :have to rmoeelifragile articles in one day than you have in a month, thatcean'be norgeason whatever for even the pretence of leniency, thanwhith»a:mistress can possess ‘no greater fault. ‘Take opportunities of blaming fer before her fellow servants, this will besoothing to her feelings (if she hasany,but it:has:beenshrew dly conjectured that servants have none,.at torspeakoof, indeed some persons:have gone so far.as to consider’ them «mere and in giving your orders ‘send°them 7 onewervant to | another (two ‘heads are sbetter thanconé)»so.that should’ they not be duly executed, you can-have:no hesitation i ga. genern all round, which is often a relief aftersam p dam such as occur sometimes ‘evenin® Never scruple to ict you: know you are wrong, (howseamerder servants know better thi ai ou to be in thewrougyidorttagire AEBULS 1 ut persist in-your assertion. rititomay ‘be, sand. pee, listemto her. Sa ree tos - in her own justificationanust ‘bewatomeewspressed, ifisygenerally the result of that fale gyatem of over-eduaionsmon, alas 20; prevalen among the lower : As a generabrule,arguewith your “sersants <on trivialsul ; if | ou are getting theworst off, raise a and sout- Sm, or, remember, your dignity must never compromised, nor it | do to lose your s ‘in your intercoursewwith menials. Be | continually on your guard against dep’ . Depend upon it, | servants are always ready to take advantage of their employers. To | prevent, if possible, this pilfering on their part, maintain a system of | inistrust. Ipsimusto on every occasion that the loaves of bread have | been cut (it is not a bad plan to notch the bread or otherwise mark it), the milk watered, and the sugar taken. Always count the lumps. Do | so before the servants, (it is as well to be open and above board in one’s actions). Be assured that nothing does servants so-much” as the | being suspected. It keeps them up to theirwork, and -whatever:mis- guided individuals may say to the contrary, induces amore’ Christian | spirit in mistress and maid. Should one of your servants tell. you that | her parents are dangerously ill, and express a wish to go and seé them, | you can have no compunction in refusing to give her permission, at the | same time evince astonishment that she should be so wanting in all | proper feeling as to wish to leave you. iAsk:her-what she thinks:you | are to dowhile she:is mans if she still persists for some ) | reason in wishing to go, for fear of what busybodies:may | say, allow her re emp: to do:so, but restrict her: so:closely as to | time that she have only three-quarters of an hour:clear .at her | home, however ill her parents may be. It willmever do for yous to suffer inconvenience for trifles!] 2 oh | Rise late yourself, and scold the maids for their laziness in so | long in bed. Assert positively that the clock had:struck seven: they were down—your being ‘asleep at that'timeshould be-no'bar ‘to | your doing your duty to yourself or them. never should eee. — en are a loss + ea a good : upon what subject to have'a erence ‘with, or spesking ‘ to ‘iro up your cook, you must fall back upon poe ges —_ résistance Simiing, or if it be winter time, upon . They are splendid topics for an animated discussion, the first named Wy, | i introducing, as it does, the grand question of perquisites, with: all intricate ramifications. so.

Fashionable Intelligence. (From St. @ites's Chronicle.) Tue interesting infant nee of .an unlicensed ‘Spirit Seller, in the | neighbourhood of the Seven Dials, is to be Ginny.

Aw Appgat To Berrisc Men.—What’s the odds on any horse so | long as you are happy ? a ‘

Drawn Game.—Portrait of a Brace eof P a9 me

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 6, 1864. “ LISTENERS NEVER, ” &e. t ructto? A Omoutam Back Stams yonuxe rae Granp Starncas# 1s ESPECIALLY VALU- ABLE IN ENABLING YOU TO FIND, youR PaRTWER IN 4 CROWDED ASSEMBLY; ONLY YOU May DROP ON HER SUDDENLY, AND HEAR HER MENTION “THAT BorED HER INTO THE NEXT Gavor, | BUT SHE WILL SHOW YOU ANOTHER CakD | WHEN YOU COME, AND GET OUT OF IT.” SWEET VACATION, ‘ds Sung Last Saturday.) Arn—"* Dulce Domum.” Smve, O, Colleagues, we together, Hey, wh should 2 our be bound ? Troll we a jll lly strain, tongues Par t’s o’er again, Sweet Vacation, come, resound. Sweet Vacation, Sweet Vacation! Sweet, O sweet, O sweet Vacation ! Sweet, O sweet, O sweet O sweet Vacation ! Sweet, Vacation, O resound ! Lo the A deg) time approach When the Arona pec 8 pra is py After the weary fray, Now comes the time of day, Soon will trouble’s end Sweet Vacation ! eo” Pam is newt so is JOHNNY, Giapston#, he is roaring too, Now, Members, go away, Off for a holiday ; We have our Vacation too. Sweet Vacation! &c. Boys, away fling blue books dreary, Fling away des: es dry, Fling business right aa Ease now shall toil repa Care, to thee I bid good bye. Sweet Vacation! &o. Come, Joun THomas, call the Hansom, To the Station let us go! Grouse-shootin; ing « on the Moors, Exercise out of doors ! eo we to the Lords and n a voice which they shall hear, Westsvry, come; old’ > Wherefore delay our joy ! We are safe one more half-year ! | Sweet Vacation! &c. YOU HAVE HOWLING GAROTTERS. were not tolerably competent to howl for ing Star helps him with an additional bellow. garotting scoundrels came under the cat at Durham the other , and because the*lash was administered in an efficacious way, our i as if he, and 9 the cowardly “caught it.” What sentimental nonsense next ? detests the as as ishment for the soldier, such an infliction is — for the sake of plunder, and stun an honest man, -doing of a family, deserve as chastisement and as so dread: Durham rascals, though more tenderness than is protect their upper and lower regions vided. But the lash was admirably well laid on, and ¢hey and shrieked tremendously, and when wy ys was said about ry in the House, Sr GzorcE Grey realy foge that all had been done in Gperation” "The House locphed sad applended ani the nation, which e nation, whi wo pects (witness the Wimbledon po eB ym By mo for the sake of one unfor- tunate man) will oa; say, “ Ranve te the scoundrels right, and let the same dose wl wognerer can be got. under the such dastardly quite harmless, but decidedly necessary Cat.” A VALUABLE LITTLE MORAL. Lar everybody regard as an enemy the man who is nobody’s enemy but his own. PIPE ALL HANDS! Certainty the wants that one sees advertised grow daily more A| extraordinary. Here for instanceis a specimen :— way Lag A GOOD SECOND-HAND BISCUIT BAKER. — Apply, &. Is it the biscuits or the baker that must be second-hand? In either case the quality appears a little strange to us. Who on earth can have a taste for buying biscuits second-hand, after some one else has munched them? Or, in the other case, pray what on earth is meant by a “ second- hand” baker ! Footmen advertise themselves ‘Sometimes as being “single- handed,” ssibly the advertiser putin “second-hand” to make it clear he wished d the baker to possess ospeca hand, which in any time ed | of knead would certainly be useful to But, talking about hands, here are some still more curious manual requirements : — WANTED, an Experienced Skeleton and Domb Sesee HAND: also- Machine Hands ; also a good Giver-out.—Apply, &c. Machine hands very possibly are the hands iid by the Ses Spirit-rappers to be shown at their — But what a demi-skirt we are puzzled to conceive ; and still less can we imagine an ex Niecenced akon. Indeed the latter really is too horrible to think of, and we therefore beg to be excused from taking further thought about it, Ugly for Byer. ALL enamels, pigments, and oes pre of that sort, advertised as imparting bloom to the complexion, o! the pores of the skin, and inflame the visage, produ permanent discolorati tan, i bubuckles knobs and flames of fire. iat ake, a, "irra yf tamdgn Pinar act Oem Lombard Birt she of Bt Rameran. jm tne Cou ad r figurement, with — No. 8, Fleet of Middlesex, and Frederick Mi of London, and Published lo den at

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-Aveust 13, 1864.] Tis 1s Jack SPARKLES, WHO USED TO BE SUCH A THOROUGH PRERAPHAELITE, AS WE CAME PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 61 ww ASSES ON INQUESTS. SS Sh (Zo Coroners’ Juries generally.) _ Brocxweaps,—Read the verdict which an | intelligent jury returned in the case of Lez, | engineer, and TRatneRr, fireman, sent by one of | your description to be tried for manslaughter, on account of the deaths caused by the late | accident at Egham. That intelligent jury de- | clared that “they were strongly of opinion that | there had been no culpable negligence on the | part of the prisoners, and that the accident had | arisen in consequence of the company having | given dangerous instructions which could not be | carried out.” You see, that if you ought to | have inflicted a trial for say ks werd on any- body, the parties whom you should have saddled with your verdict were the Railway Directors. _ Know, blockheads, that it is your duty to de- cide according to evidence, and not to impose the anxiety and cost of a trial for felony on men against whom you have none that will sustain the charge. Observe that it is not your business to gratify the vulgar demand that responsibility shall be enforced on somebody or other, right or wrong, and that there is no law which authorises you to punish misadventure by annoyance, with the view of inducing greater care for the future. Recollect that you yourselves are responsible to PUNCH k Note by a Stump-Orator. Tue difference between the Science of Cricket | UPON HIM “AT WORK” THE OTHER DAY—AT LEAST HE CALLED IT sO, He sap HE HAD come | and Ornithology — to' be, that the one at and t TO THE CONCLUSION THAT “ PAINTING WAS, AFTER ALL, MORE OR LESS A AND THAT HE was Stupyine Sxrzs!!” MATTER OF Memory, | classes together the he Bawl, the other, the Bat and the ’Owl. RULES AND REGULATIONS TO BE OBSERVED BY PERSONS VISITING ST. JAMES'S PARK. _1. Visrtors bey ve the Park at any hour throughout the day or night, and, if they find the gates shut, they may scramble over the railings. . Visitors may come in any costume they think proper. Battered hats and tattered clothing are on Sundays de rigueur. ; Visitors may bring with them as many dogs as they desire: mongrels, yelping curs, and savage-looking bulldogs are especially admissible. For the benefit of nervous ladies and their children, no dog is anges to be led by a string. 4. Visitors may send their dogs into the water, for the sport of | fetching sticks or chevying the water-fowl. Dogs having rough coats | are especially requested to shake themselves near other visitors who | chance to be well dressed. 5. If any Chinese duck or other valuable water-fowl be caught and killed by any dog, it may be pocketed and cooked. 6. Visitors may walk, run, hop, skip, jump, and tumble about upon the paths, or on the grass, or on the flower-beds, without fear of inter- ruption by the keepers of the park, and may trample down or pluck whatever flowers they think proper, and may climb or pull the branches off whatever trees they please. ‘ ce: 7. The Park being intended as a quiet place to walk in, visitors may play at any noisy games they like, and may shout, scream, whistle, cat-call, shriek, sing, bawl, and bellow to their heart’s content. 8. Smoking is permitted. Dirty pipes preferred, and dirty hands to match, » Visitors who mer to have dirty faces also are requested to sit down by any decent-looking person, especially a lady, and to puff their smoke as much as possible na into her face. ; 9. Visitors in walking may hustle whom they choose, and, if spoken to, may use the coarsest language they can pick. __ 10. Visitors may pic-nic in the Park when they think proper, and are especially requested to scatter about their orange-peel, and bits of dirty paper which have served them for a table-cloth, as much as ever ey can. ll. Visitors may use the Park chairs without paying for them, and may turn out any sitter who is better dressed and weaker than themselves. 12. Visitors may cut their names upon the seats and trees, or may whittle them away, or chop them up for firewood, or disfigure them in any other manner they prefer. 3. Visitors may throw stones anywhere they like, and if they happen to hurt somebody, may laugh and say, “O here’s a lark!” _ 14. Visitors may cadge and beg of any one they meet, and may chaff, insult, and worry any decent persons who, from age, sex, or infirmity, are unable to defend themselves. 15. The Park-keepers are instructed to go to sleep and to remain out of sight as much as possible, so as not to interfere with the proceedings of the visitors, who are to be allowed in any way that pleases them to misuse and spoil the Park, ‘and make Guaedires and it as great a nuisance as they like. LAY FROM LLANGOLLEN. “A large party of excursionists was discharged into this peaceful loeality the other day. They had drunk freely, an d to be insulting and ou eous, for which some of them were rather roughly handled by the inhabitants, and took away some bruises and black eyes as hints for future good behaviour te unoffending people.” — Welsh Paper. Arrn—“ The Maid of Llangollen.” Tue Vale of Llangollen is all very well, But a trip to Llangollen ’s no end of a sell : Bad luck to the day on the banks of the Dee, When the Man of Llangollen he pitched into me. I’d heard a good many romantic sweet tales Of the Passes sublime in the mountains of Wales, Things came to a pass I did not hope to see, When the Man of Llangollen he pitched into me. , I climbed to Crow Castle as brisk as a cat, And I’ve just —— away a memorial of that ; For my eyes are as black as a crow’s back can be, Since the Man of Llangollen he pitched into me. The jolly Welsh ale was uncommonly strong, And through the small streets we came bawling along. I thought on excursions all larking went free, Till the Man of Llangollen he pitched into me. While my nose was a bleeding, to add to my woes, A Welsh harp played something called, 4h, heed your nose / I knows what I’Il heed, which is larks by the Dee, Where the Man of Llangollen he pitched into me. Law !—The splendid new Law Courts at Manchester have cost.some thousands. Baron Picorr assured the Magistrates that they could not in any better way have spent the Hundreds of Salford. i t } ' VOL, XLVII. H 1H in

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON: CHARIVARL [Avavsr 13, 1864. SEA-LIONS AT SCHOOL. E gentlemen of Eng- land who don’t live on bread and cheese, but can give your- selves good dinners down at Greenwich if you please, Punch some six words to say which he will a you to attend 0 You may recollect, perhaps, that on your oa so, Geocumia’, at is if you go by railroad, you pass a fabio w Cross. om there exists in that same neigh- bourhoed @ certain Royal Naval School, which more than i was fo aor the be- nefit.ef sons of Naval officers, and of offi- : cers in the Marines. ‘ If when you next go down to Whitebait you just pull up at New Cross, you may learn that at this school for future CoLLmnewoops and NELsons :-— “ Nearly two hundred sons of Naval and Marine officers are now receiving the benefits of a first-rate education, qualifying them for any pursuit in life, on less terms than the actual cost of their maintenance, and a portion of these pupils, in necessitous circumstances, are maintained . on a nominal being given to the of those who have in the country’s service ; and it is an ennobling feature in this school that the names of these, or the terms upon which they are are unknown to any one in the establishment. of necessity are at once met. ow promptly this is done may be seen from the report of the Co’ who refer, with pride, to the i diate admission, upon the foundation, of the son of an officer who was drowned in Her Majesty's ship Orpheus, and to numerous other instances in which orpbans have been received, without the delay, ——— and anxiety of ly on w canvassing for votes ; all these cases being thoroughly sifted and decided sol: their merits.” If you have time enough, you also may just have a little chat with Mr. Atrrep who has from its b the finances of the school, and, to his credit be it said, never has allowed it to get into debt. Mr. Eames is much too modest to brag of his t; but if you chance to look benevolent, managemen he will very likely drop a gentle hint that schools, however well they are managed, do as a rule cost money, and that the Royal Naval School is no exception to the rule. On paw gery ws you will assume a hurried air’ and pull your wv out hastily, and suddenly remember that your ain is due for Green- wich. Of course Punch too well knows what is due to a good appetite, to recommend you to run risks of being late for dinner and your fish spoiled. But, dinner being over, and the bump of your benevolence being plea- cantly excited by the whitebait rr have copiously been washing down your throat, just the matter over with the friends you have aroun Ppl and, as you glance at ep oe Hos og ous @ sea-lions at a -~ pee vided them for life, just cast your eye up-s an of New Cross Naval School, which has been lgpached ex- ressly for the sons of old sea-lions, of a somewhat higher reed. Ten thousand pounds or.go iis completion of the Sehool, whteh hundred seholars, as its fopeders ’ you don’t pappen, to have om your bill (and after nd one’s person best_thing you ean do vy jas $0 hundreds or 60 at your | —_ a $e — h d leave the » you can stop on your way home and t » with Mr. Dans, who, if you ask him prettily, will not object to take them the s are not written quite straight. It has been lyrically stated that— “‘ Britain’s best bulwarks are her wooden walls.” But wooden walls, or even iron would e of little service, if them. By the Royal Naval School the heads of future Captains are saved from owing ligneous, and Admirals that are to be have their = put in good trim to go on active service whenever there is need. So, ye gentlemen of England, who’d live at home at ease, Without fear of molestation by the French or Portuguese, or Russians, Prussians, Spaniards, Turks, Dutch, Yankees, or Chinese, Or any other nation that has ships upon the seas, Subscribe unto the Naval School at New Cross if you please, And teach our young sea-lions how to mind their ¢’s and p’s. Only one wing more is wanted to complete this Naval School; so give your ten thousand pounds more, gentlemen, and up will go this wing: and the school, having two wings, will then get on * like flying.” EXTORTION OF INLAND REVENUE. LATHER AND SMOKE. From letters that continue to be sent to the Times by executors and lawyers, it appears that the authorities of the Inland Revenue Office ate conducting the affairs of their and Succession Duty t like low tradesmen, rascals who aap their accounts in a slovenly way, neglect to enter the payments made to them, and every now and then try on the dodge of sending in again the bill that has been already pei on the chance that the loss of receipts by the customer -— — - them ym ge him Pa it by over; when the mespte are produced against them saying that they are “very sorry.” e agent of this scoundrelism is, of course, not to be blamed for it, if, in its execu- tion, he only obeys orders. He is no more a thief than the Jack Ketcu who hangs an innocent man by official warrant is a murderer. The instrument of the extortion practised by the Legacy Duty Office is named in the 7imes,a Mr. Trevor. His employment seems to consist in looking up the accounts of duty due and settled some twenty, thirty, or forty years ago, but of which the settlement was unrecorded by the fault of negligent clerks, and demanding the repayment of the Govern- ment bill with the menace of a Crown prosecution. If this Trevor is not a malignant ag erg Og availing himself of the facilities of his position to amuse himself the infliction of misery and ruin upon everybody whom he finds in i once dismissed from Her Majesty’s Service. hangs is insufferable. Either they should be sent about their business, or Mr, Trevor should be obliged to exchange his situation for an appointment in Bedlam. his power, his ongeeee will surely be at he Trevoracity of these Architectural. Ir is said that portions of St. Paul’s must shortly undergo repair. It is also proposed that a Festival in honour of Siz CHRISTOPHER be held. The Dean, however, opposes all Wren-ovation. Srort.—Nice Dinner for Sporting Men.—Steaks and Cup. We read in the Leicester Journal that a barber, named ALLEN, charged before the Magistrates of the balloon-destroying borough with Sunday shaving, pleaded— “‘ That the persons who laid the informations were actually carrying on business of a much more annoying and demoralising character, that of tobacconist and cigar dealers, and were teaching boys and youths to smoke bad Cigars on the Sunday, to the annoyance of all respectable persons.” _ Well said, Arten the Shaver. For boys and youths to smoke at all is bad, for them to smoke on Sunday is worse, but for them to smoke bad Cigars on Sunday to the annoyance of respectable people is worst. You are a logical man, and we dare say an easy shaver, and we agree with the Magistrates that there was very great force in what you said. We wish they had not fined you. We approve your protest against the sickening sight of brats sucking tobacco. It is a pity that the police are not empowered to take away pipes and cigars from the little wretches, and box their asinine ears. Souter as we must not say with Poprg; ** Let humble Atte, with an awkward shame, Shave beards by stealth and blush to find it fame,” Mr. Punch makes the fine up to you by this piece of fame, well deserved by your remonstrance. The New Draft. Krxe Lincon, at Confederate raid in twitters, To a new draft his subjects would compel ; The newest draft for Yankee-land were bitters— The wholesome bitters drawn from Truth’s own well. ARISTOCRATIC AND SEASONABLE INTELLIGENCE.—Creation of a New Peer—at Brighton.

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Aveust 13, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ’ CHARIVARI. 63 | NEW RAILWAY SIGNALS. (From the Code Godsonian.) ome, ‘now,” said ''the Judge Gopson, the Traffic Ma- nager of the South Western Railway 1 Com ae who was giving such lucid evi- in the matter of the | accident at Egham Station, “Is that a serious answer? It really might be et into Punch.” hereupon Mr. Justice Punci, respecting the opi- = us Poon ressed, - ing y agreeable to submit his will to his Wits, immediately com- municated with the S. W., Traffic Master, offering to stand as God to any clever contribution from m DSON, wed pace — eee, I Mr. hg Puncu nes OS ee : now much pleasure in sub- IE Sx 5 > = = - A itting to the public a set 2 a of entirely New Rules and oe geen ys which are drawn a Se the future guidance of the officials connected with the New Railway tim ich, when opened, will be entitled, The N.S. E. W. Colwell Hatchney Way :—.i. 1. GENERAL SIGNALS. 8 the Fire with the 8: to! Imifating Herr Von Joet pp Walking Stick. Winding up a Watch (Anybody’s) the wrong way. (With Power to add to their Number.) Blowing a Whistle. Berd aa As these general si have no arbit signification, they may mean i i the duty of the stoker, the engine-driver, the signalman, the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick-maker, sitting in Committee on the top of a first class compartment, in an express a. to ~~ upon, and see carried out, even if accompanied with personal violence. ' 2. The persons employed on the Line shall be a tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, ploughboy apothecary, thief, is will ensure due attention being paid to all classes = Her a de subjects. Each one of these shall be empowered to give any one else. . Waving a black flag on a black dark night far away from any light, means danger. 4. Standing on a Line on which the express train is just coming, means danger to one person. Two in the same position, means danger to more, and so on. TIME. 1. The Trains on the New Line shall run eve noes pe amenee 9 JSifteen minutes at \east shall eparture 2. Every ten minutes, a plate-layer shall cross the line as a signal to the fireman thet his dinner ia ready” é 8. There shall be five minutes’ difference between all the clocks at the several stations on the Line, so as to ensure the quickest train reaching its destination tn no time, and to suit the requirements of BrapsHaw’s Railway Guide. Company intend to run Trains just whenever they like, without reference to any stated times, which are only a source of nuisance, and unnecessary excite- ment to the travelling public. +{ DUTIES_OF SIGNALMAN. The Red . The Signalman may wave the Red Flag, whenever he feels elated or excited, as a sign of his jollity cad happiness. : , Red and Blue 'o be waved as a sign that it is a Director’s birthday. Waving a White Flag Violently. Means “Hooray!” “Three cheers,” &c., or anything of that sort. e Red Iéght shall mean “Stop!” except when it means “Goon!” ne Blue, ~ vers. e Green mean nothing. The Yellow anything. General Rules.—Blue on yellow, Red’s your player in hand. As at Pool, so here, the aim of the Company is to fill the Pockets, and “lives” are lost at this game. THE GUARDS. anything, everything, nothing, or something, which it will be e seven minutes, and in order to allowed between the starting Every Guard shall carry a Red light, a Blue light, a Bengal light and a box of Curiy’s Night Lights. He shall r yh light headed. He will also be provided with as many as M. Rosin used to produce out of an ordinary hat; besides the Standards of all Nations. He shall also carry all the Acts ; of Parliament affecting Railways, and a book containing i Lines from different Poets, and a short history of the Seven | Sleepers. He must know the current number of Bradshaw | b . cf NOTICE. The Company will hold themselves responsible for | nothing. f CROQUET. XVII. Tuis is the state at present of the game, Miss Smitru’s not hadherturn: Miss Brown the same ; | croquéd, does for speedy vengeance call, i hile Green continues strixing now ball ; This rule can’t fail the losers to provoke, Viz., that a Croquét’s followed by a stroke ; Ofttimes, to en pe helps you to a place, Which you Would not have reached so soon ; this case Was Jonzs’s, for, at Hoop three, is the Green Where he could not, without Red’s help, have been ; Thas sélfishly ambitious worldlings play, Clinging to who will help them on their way, Whom, being used, they will, at the first chance, Prig ee Few and thus —— wom e oop now Green prepares 4 With grim delight Red views him strike the wire, And “ better lack fiext time,”’ cries “old fellow!” | ** Show him no quarter, but be careful, Yellow.” This to Brunette, whe makes the first and second, Then Roquéts Green, on which she had not reckoned, Then Croquéts him away, not very far, While Rosrson exclaims, “ , there you are! ”” As through the third goes Brunette ; the two Foes eye each other, “ Now the fourth she’ll do.” Right through again ! all are astonished; Is more amazed than any of the three. The fifth, at her zert stroke she cannot do; Hoop five, to four, is, as was thre® to two; The last but one before the turning post Is number five, which she, as ’*twere, may coast ; So for this neutral Port does Yellow steer, Placing herself the wished-for haven near. xvii. N.B. You mayn’t, howe’er its place entice, The same ball Croguét in your one turn twice, Tis as immutable as Median laws But yet to this there is a saving clause :— If twice you’d have a ball your Croquét take, Between the strokes, your Hoop, in order, make. Yellow, Green Croquéd, can’t th’ assault anew Repeat, till she her proper Hoop’s gone through ; : When through the Hoop that ’s next, the Yellow’s beem, ° Naught hinders but she can re-Croqnét Green. f Observe, my friends, the fourth stroke that Jonzs made, / Was viciously, not well, or wisely played. — When Green drove Red as far away from sight As possible, he did it out of spite: : He should have Croquétted Ked that ’t might arrive Where it would help him on through number five ; Before which, meeting him, with well-aimed thwack, He ’d send him to Hoop nine, till he came back ; And so on: thus the Se player may At once make all the Hoops by skilful play. Without a porn Croquét not a ball: Or really play, or do not play at all. Ladies, at Croquét I’d not have much talking. Some chatter from a spiteful love of baulking. The silent player plans a careful game, And shoots the careless with a surer aim. Thankful for Small Mercies. Tue Irish are inly the oddest birds out. That | collection of “Martyrs of Circumstance,” the Avonmore | Lot, has been ing bells, drinking healths, and making speeches at an yee called Belleisle, all because the House of Lords has solemnly declare Lorp AvonMore’s son, Mason YELVERTON, was not to be believed. We don’t see much in that declaration to cause either astonishment or jubilation. However, the “ Siege of Belleisle ” is not raised yet.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Avueusr 13, 1864. LETTER H. First Manly Voice. “ Breautirut Harr, 1sn’t rt, Frep?” (Laura, who had not expected to make a Conquest so soon as their first afternoon at Shidgey-on-the-Ooz, listens not displeased. Second Manly Voice. ‘‘Yus;—Nick Breezk, so REFRESHIN’ AFTER THE ’EATED HATMOSPHERE OF THE METROPOLIS! !” [And Laura was properly Chajfed by her Younger Sisters, who took stock of the Speakers. THE OLD, OLD STORY. (Respectfully Dedicated to Small German Princes in general.) ; TeERz is an ancient fable that everybody knows, Whose truth and point come closer home the older that one grows. It is as young as yesterday, ancient as Homer’s times : Its moral’s seen in action in all ages, ranks and climes. A cat once with a monkey lived in Bund, if not in Bond, ; Which Puss—or Pruss let’s call her—was of roasted chesnuts fond ; But on these toothsome fruits while she was fain to close her jaws, She had a wholesome horror of singed hair and toasted paws. , One day Miss Pruss, much meditant upon her favourite Diet, _ Long o’er her claws in velvet sheathed with closed lids had sat quiet ; Sudden her green eye twinkled; she rose, purred sweet on Pug, And closed her soft fur round him in an electric hug. Now this monkey was, at some pointe, an exception to his kind ; Neither lecherous, nor yet treacherous, nor to mischief much inclined : Bumptious he was: went with his nose in air and tail tight-curled : Chattered: laid down the law—in short, a monkey of the world— But on the whole a kindly, inoffensive little Pug, Quite contented in a mirror to gloat on his own mug, If kept out of the way of edge-tools, gun-powder, fire,— ‘Things Pugs always come to grief with, and so most to them aspire. But whether *twas the thrilling of Miss Pruss’s fiery fur, Or the seductive whisper of her insidious purr, Certain it is, Pug’s passions seemed to take a sudden start, And Miss Pruss’s crave for chesnuts flashed through his little heart. “ Chesnuts ! a mewed Puss. “ Roast-chesnuts! Duchy chesnuts! or e— 2 And “ Chesnuts! Duchy chesnuts!” chattered Pug, “ or so do I.” “ *Tis I will light the fire,” quoth Puss, “and all the world I vouch That ’tis not for myself I roast, but that Pug may fill his pouch.” Then Pug clawed Puss in gratitude, and Puss purred sweet on ug; The fire was made, the chesnuts laid in the ashes, smooth and snug ; They hissed, spat, sweated, shrivelled, split, while Pug and Puss, safe | posted, : Watched their various ways of showing their objections to being roasted. + ae es done!” quoth Puss, “ How savoury they smell! but, Pug, Say, We mustn’t let ’em roast too long, or they’ll roast all away. Now to extract the dainties from the fire’s hungry maw!” “Don’t burn yourself!” quoth Pug. Quoth Puss: “Oh no—I’ll use your paw!” So said, so done: ere simple Pug could argue, plan, inquire, His luckless paw was into, and the nuts out of, the fire. You may see him chafing, chattering, wringing his blistered paw, While Puss nibbles up the chesnuts, and bids Pug “ hold his jaw.” MORAL, The moral’s the important point ; if in our adaptation We,’ve reversed the actors’ functions, excuse the alteration. Our Puss we’ve made the artful one, our Pug the tool eximious, As Bismancx fits the feline part, the smaller powers the simious. **I Deny your Major.” —Falsag. Don’s Peerage says that Mason YELveRTon is connected with the houses of Sayers and of Walker. There is a class of sayers whose sayings make many people say “ Walker!” but we did not expect such rudeness from the House of Lords "TTTOH JO DOWTITCITATCT ACTATWHIATATO

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Avever 18, 1864.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

WHALLEY THE WISE. THE “SECOND COLUMN” OF PUNCH. Mz. G. SMe the tai giving an account of his (4n Improvement om that of the Times.) nt electors of Pie ergy pth hi ' = hs > 20 sanah bonoar, x orou, Mase mse. p Bam 5 my of Pope jie Grandmamma crusty. Cat has blue kittens. Don’t come. We regret that we can room Ay for a portion of his atmirabe Wy OMBATS has no tails. ¥F.Z.8, i introduction Z at of sfter a sketch of - ' at Sossice Rome me on ie id PRANK. You have been watched—and found not worth watching. See i the Church measure, p) Le: an magn know th c bh) Pyiccies has split. Beef it, nearly every station- are “cals y ag oy ay, Vince will bet blocked, and Ke ae Poet rt eae al ag om a a for the destruction of the n| Home Ther meter up to. = Spice bol Z pogo | ap ar everywhere a... you know why the a goay peery enebenets, Denany homage Bag the = eames le been egig jimks that the Lorp, Cuancenon of Wrimnocy: ig beef ini epg ba Abo hoy ga Jone blesbeeunch. law that the keeper of the Quamn’s | Aad*ess, Tverposl, as ws before Josninga, has favoured the interests of [7 0 GENTLAMAN who drew an inference on Tuesdey, and drew is a Catholic, (Sonastion.) Se eens Se eamangeen te dew y tog ordered a statue to | * eae, he may send it to Imencuanesa, poste masante, or § the Empznor or tHe Frewem has the Half of Pound which adivertise pace ond tht ta Een eee etch tolkoae -

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2 =F iser had the Popz. one will do, and preferably a ‘one, ie a any peep ep De LO? , by » Tady, at least missing, for it is absurd to say thet she that in the Sere ike in front of the | shopman was pestering her to look Spesteesmprtess ac us we have, is rising a heautiful and| P's" gre ister eater Dour, and bes he is mat he onda of th an sno 0c he ches, baseman ho hal uo sivas aire conductor of the music at | because she was going a beggar-child a I am sorry to say by the Heit to the the day of the Horticultural Féte, or else the Crystal and that he has got a dispensation for ee ational Anthem ? Have you heard 987; two hours waiting for two ladies at the Waterloo Staticn. Will the pretended enemy of Popery, is to never take them out any more. No further reward will be offered. 8. his —_— pro its 7 Popish name o! OST, a tng noting of any voy get in oe Atlas gah ot It con- : tlemen, London General tained nothing Kecking Rove scam ue, except Ae moe neg ee es sy phere ee F cag wy sayin Se ee the yoy a Rosalind, Area, 17, cmon eee Cottages, misdirect to Catholic chapels HE EXECUTOR EXE ple hat worship. (Shame,) Yes, | T' oe a a canvet MAUL, (sap ( ) ence that a Catholic Tract Society in f the British Museum, to insert P Does Mr. Panizzi’s mame as there a word, gentlemen, in remind us that the Sovereign is a ED GERANIUM. I said what I was made to go out of her way Your old party took care I should not speak to you again ee with the EmPEzRor oF Pm apy Ory nethonste, smh un Ihave meee, Scratchley’s, law stationers, Mile-end. gine aes TO SLAPP BARGES, Boa-—Hie, I ip considemstion of y, the Jesuits. my head t that the Tye + Boe no gentleman, I humbty Y valk nig, or aging a a. <n ey aly Catholic with Protestant ? (Cheers.) | prompted by the heat of the moment, and of the and of iced lemonade 4 Who i is our friend’s friend ? Who. por heb cect snp. Fame ate So Pe fog eal Leelee, and I regret manaes sant is about to visit ine Tuileries ? | “Wines, Bob A°DI Blazes (Iriel Natieg MiG. Moon Sweanen. that anti anti-Protestant bigot come pecmet (COURT of FIRST INSTANCE, BOULOGNE SUR MER, FRANCE, that there were a of Catholics Erueet Perigord, French Slat ot perfume, imbledon, and that if one of them had been | the name of Créme de Rhinoceros, warranted to make meeting, Lapy Excuo would have unhesi-| Considering that the hair of Snook hath turned with the Quzxn’s Prize. (Sensation.) Yes, and “Tacit teed grecn hair may injure Snook in his business, by promoting the vase have become the ornament of a Popish | ridicule of the the frivolous, , who are the customers of Snook’s master. that it fell to Mrz. Wyatt, who is a x. Court doti order, and res ibe of poten ys Book 196, p. 1081, , charge for ater. 8. Sea eere Continent fa mea ta | hs He D Biproptams, day ey day, Semel Lawn Glasenarh lishwomen into Catholic countries in order Founn, D, lately, something rather elegant, has the whey on St. Paul’s just been pO oe Some her articular in tn do sh - regilt f-. an a i. why is a Koop it. N.B. Sho will not ook at an advertisement for six months from this time ore ackfriars— ress, ., London. name, gentlemen. Because Bridge road fom mid-London to Capra | | A780.— When first I met thee warm 2 Eile thongs thon St. a, St. G Lastly gentlemen, though ee tbe hung. Pause and repent, my ihloidn tea, or on @ line theu wil a similarly ee emonstrations, hear HREE HUNDRED POUNDS REWARD will be given of Mr. Bantine. His system is artfully promulgated EN el pel rig os the publoatonet ay new aorel whine all over the country. It is pretended that he merely desires to reduce | jn sorest is based upon the violoticn of the Sate: eoweniie ce olga the over-corpulent. Bah! Mle i is a Jesuit priest, and his pues is to on Paterfamilias, Anywhere. ipledace, aad make papaier fhe Popis Popish practice of regular Fasti Yes, gentlemen, I that we live in rilous times, and the Tene AST.—Your fears might have been dissipated, if you had not been so Crown will soon dominate the Tee ee yourself. Proceed to the City of Bladud, and obtain artificial baldness. OHN.—I ha di will, only benefit under it wiil aah WHatizy sat down amidst loud cheers oan passionate cries of | J be as'an inmate of the Paar frogger I have left what ryt = nine 0 Popery!” | for you. Bless you. a

Efe i a : : 5 é i Hl

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 13, 1864, ‘ AN ® Mm N un XN . Sal | Ke Y is Hi PLEASURES OF A MILITARY RIDING-SCHOOL—No. 2. “Now tHen, Sir! Sir weit Back, anD Let Him Bump you, Sim.” BEES AND BEEHIVES. Sm,—Here is a communication which I’ve just received from the Master of the College at St. Bees. What the old Queen Bee said, in this last very hot week, when she was going with her party out of the Hive, “ This is warm work.” To which a oy | drone replied, “‘ Yes it be’s.” The letters in the Zimes on this subject are highly seoeraetns But Bee aang a not given us any information concerning the manage- ment of a “ Bee ina Bonnet ;” nor does he once allude to those Scotch insects known as the Drones of a Bagpipe. Hoping to hear something more in this matter, I remain, Sir, Yours truly, Honey Sorr. Progress of the Embankment. We are happy to say that this important metropolitan work is making great progress. Thanks to the energy of the contractors, the stream of traffic in Fleet Street and the Strand is all but choked up, and will soon be completely diverted from the main arteries of London. The dams are very numerous and — Nothing is now driven in the neighbourhood except the carts and the piles. New Pus.ication.—Unpoetical “‘ Lines on }a Lady’s face,”—Crows’-feet. THE NAGGLETONS UPON ROME. | The happy couple are at Breakfast in their house in the fashionable locality | in which we had last the pleasure of meeting them. Mr. NaGGLETon is, of course, reading his “ Times.’ Mrs. NaGGtrton has received some letters by the morning post, and has been meditating on their contents, Mrs. Naggleton. Henry, this is the First of August. Mr. Naggleton (without looking up). Manta, your chronology is indis- putable. Moreover, I wish you many happy returns of the day. Mrs. N. Good feeling would dictate your avoiding a joke on ‘hat subject, Henry. Mr. N. (conscious). O, isn’t it your birthday, my dear? But that is no _ m why I should not wish you a happy return of the day, or of y. Mrs. N. Happiness is a word for persons who are differently circum- stanced from myself, Henry, but I am making no complaint. I merely reminded you that this is the first of August. Mr. N. (prepares to receive cavalry). 1 had already learned that fact from the newspaper. Mrs. N. You may learn something else from it, I dare say, and be told that everybody but ourselves is out of town. Mr. N. If there is such a personal statement, my dear, I shall come to it presently, and I will then consider whether I ought to call the editor to account. Mrs. N. I think, Henry, that by this time you have known me quite long enough—— Mr. N. Va dear, I am incapable of admitting anything so rude. Mrs. N. (emphatically). Quite long enough to be aware that nonsense may delay what I may wish to say, but cannot prevent it. r. V. Have I ever refused my tribute to your pertinacity, my dear Manta? What do you wish to say now? Mrs. N. What it would not have been necessary for me to say, if I had had a different husband. Mr. N. Well, you have an indifferent one. Agreed. Go on. Mrs. N. Indifferent, indeed, Hewry. Indifferent to the state of my health, and that of his children. Mr. N. again. How hard he tried to get you from Mrs. i wning. And how TER Grievous a cheque for thirty-seven pounds on Saturday for medical attendance. Your husband is all that is objectionable, but make the best of him while he lasts. Mrs, N. mildly). It is, I am sure, as much for your own sake as mine that I wish, if we are to visit the Continent, that we should not delay until the season becomes unhealthy. r. NV. But suppose we are not to visit the Continent, Who’s the Owseran’s party on Friday, when morning was pleasantly he handed Dr. Pr Mrs. N. O, go to Southend, if you like, or stay at home, and shut the front shutters. I don’t care. Mr. N. Very well, my dear. As that is the case, I will consider es two excellent suggestions. At first blush I seem to prefer the shutters. Mrs. N. Ts this the way in which we ought to converse, Henny? I am sure that I hear nothing like it between other couples. Mr. WInKLETOP can be playful in answering his wife; but it is affectionate un. Mr. N. Playful darlings ! Mrs. N. And though Mr. and Mrs. Govcu-Hawe are always laughing, they understand one another, and she has no wish ungratified. But you are always in an attitude of fighting and resistance. Mr. N. Ajax defying the lightning; eh? Am so ferocious? Well, look on me as another classical sculpture, the Dying Gladiator ; and now, what can I do for you before I die? é Mrs. N. Ah! Those allusions remind me of what would indeed make me happy. But it is of no use talking. ref, Mr. N. Never mind that. Talk. What is it? Do you want to go to M. Bruccranr’s new gallery, and see his casts ? Mrs. N. Shall I ever see Rome? Here is a letter from Mus. Bossen, who is there, and who writes in perfect raptures of its treasures of art and of antiquity. Mr. N. Mrs. Bosser? No, no, Marta. Come. Mrs. N. There is her letter. (Throws it to him.) _ Mr. N. No, thank you. Lorp Patmerston says he has had no time for twenty years to read anything but manuscript. I prefer print, not being eighty. But Mrs. Bosser. I think it was that eminent lover of art who told us LanpsEER’s dogs were clever, but not equal to those of Anmmat Carracct, and I am sure it was that eminent anti- uarian who told us that Hereford Cathedral was being restored in the naissance style. A a Mrs. N. Your spiteful memory supplies an argument against you. We go abroad to learn. ; Mr. N. Some of us, like’ yourself, my dear Manta, have nothing to learn, except how to stay at home. soit Mrs. N. I am too painfully conscious of my own deficiencies to accept an insincere compliment dictated bya meaneconomy. —=s_ r. VV. (enraged). Then I would avoid exposing those deficiencies to ‘dhenp-tegraliten. as you would do in a place like Rome. Mrs. N. (gently). There was a time, Henry, when you pretended to take pleasure in showing new objects to your wife, and making her enjoy them by your clever explanations, and the information that you have so curiously acquired. j Foie Mr: N. (hit, but staggeri wp). There ‘is vers | curious in it. I have endeavoured to read s, and I have tried to remember what was in them. Mrs. N. Men’s minds are so much better trained than ours, and you wes || | co i — ae =a &F SES ww ; ae ao oe om, - s. Oe ee Mes Ee ee Continent, that we owe hifn so much attention ? learn to apply your knowledge at a moment’s notice. I know nothing -_-

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Avousr 13, 1864] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 69

more ie mone Mr. N. fe Manet). a bad Carpain for us, if she pays that, and by Ag ear’s credi Mints, do like this. a 'N. "Dont ike wha t ladies selling r. nothing abou se Feo own cae a high manners. But I made you a present on your irthday, and you — to be delighted with it, and then you sell it. I shall remem aa N. No doubt you will. It will be an admirable excuse for Nab Tha never been tingy, and h ht to ve never 8 and you have no rig say so. what I like. I shall say in NV. Still, at time of life, you should set your children an ed. Sih the truth. Mrs. N. So I do. Mr. N. deny i. And I repeat that you did not do a wife-like act i pasting with © pronast « mine, A wonderful present, certainly, to make a fuss about, And I - not a child, or a slave, to have a thing given me on condition I yy J orwk-% it, and never lose it. things—I suppose you have =r had been given ~ on those conditions, my heen I ar you om oul be without one. I am glad to find that you are not. Mrs. N. goers tee bm peep ). WE yen. ees Continental Brads and ascertain about the route to Ital rt % : ery not. No, Marra. Every walk we might me of losure. ‘ou have sa the a City would: be an eternal memory. ‘arpeian Rock would recal domestic treachery. The Via Sacra would show me Mrs, Snorcwixy going tochureh in my shawl. Bitter thoughts would have a long Triumph in the Forum; and the inevitable ball at the banker’s would make me think of the cheque SnorcHiey owes. South- end, or the Shutters, or even Paris; but no Rome [Brit under cover of his own fie; and then, aon and with a dis- grin, But to quote a Roman poet, Sic me servavit Apollo. and I cannot understand the ascen- |

Mrs. N. Gaittie), I did not think I should get him even to Paris ; but there’s not ing aking Se more than you want. is safe, and Ilove Paris. I wonder whether Mr. Snorcutey did’say a word of all that. I will call and lunch there, and perhaps she will pay me. Lucky did not tell him that I had sold the shawl to her at half-price.

FRANCE. (From Somebody Else’s Correspondent.) ee ae on ae TO Mich tae Pe); Yew crea _ BEL- GIANS is re to have veallad the Ai rh Pal quence m of the tribes having ex- terminated one another. The French have there- fore very little trouble with the = ona stretched poe ym than a performance as a method for elevati alludes the people’s taste. The most curious point in the Noon Correspondence is, the distance of time between the two, the marked fo ct reny a considering between NaPoLEon THE First and Napo.zon THE THIRD. The French troops are leaving Mexico; but as they have not dis- charged the bill for their F lod gs, and have a several small accounts still unsettled, it is ex that the oy inbend —— another visit. The arse per Cont, closed at 60f. 30c., kp ew Line of Railway opened at 6°30 p.m. on the same day.

The Right Men in the Right Places. Mr. Roxrsucr’s airing-ground.—W ormwood Scrubs. Mr. Horsman’s Parliamentary property. —Noman’s land. Mar. Bernat Osporne’s College.—Brasenose. Mr. Wuattey’s Fishery-preserve.—The Great ree River. DIsRAELI'’s Country Retreat. ee Harbour. Mr. Ferrany’s Town Residence.—Strutt-on’s Groun The Favourite Walk of the Dignified Clergy.—Bishop’ “

‘** Gridirons is Looking up.” “The Prirce or Wates has made the formal meth woniintang ie any person becoming a member of the Masonic ."—Court Ji . ; in the Court Journal. Tuts may be true, in spite of its ap But if so, the Prince has shown that he is q to be trusted with the Secret, for he has not mentioned his intentions to Brother Puncn. We sh all be present at his making, ae oe that he will display the proverbial courage o f his family. So mote it be.

Mostcat. —Living for some time upon a “ fiver” may be the defini- tion of “‘ Dwelling on a note.”

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[Aveust 13, 1864, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - THE BREECH-LOADERS. German Agent for the “ Mount-Storm” Rifle (Apropos of Tomxtns, who having Loaded Carelessly, has had his Right Whisker singed of). “Bot—1r pe Fortunrgers vit ror Purnine BaBeR IN DE PREECHES OF DE GONS, DEN SHALL DgY NoT VONDER IF It VILL PLé up my petR Vazes!!” TESTIMONIAL TO LORD PALMERSTON. A Most flattering Testimonial has been rendered to Lorp Patmer- ston by certain agents of a Power whose opinion of any British Government is a safe test of the strength or weakness, as well as of the merits of its foreign policy. Mx. Gasket, the Member for Wen- lock, has addressed a letter to a local journal, in answer to an accusa- tion which it brought against him of cowardice in not having voted with the Conservatives in the division on Mr. Disrazti’s Vote of Cerisure, for which the House of Commons substituted a Vote of Confidence. Mn. GasKELL says :— “I did not rt the Government b I disapproved of the course which they pursued on the Danish question. I did not vote with the Opposition because I could not affirm, with them, that I thought England had been degraded. More- over, it was not my wish to see Lorp Patmerston displaced. Foreign ecclesiastics, then recently-arrived in London, and other decl and determined enemies to constitutional freedom, were then endeavouring to effect his downfall. For that, if for no other reason, I should have declined to join in the vote of censure.” Hear, electors of Wenlock, hear your. Member. Here is a real Con- servative for you; free and independent electors of Wenlock, make much of him. Mr. GasKE.t is one of those trne Conservatives who want to conserve constitutional liberty at home and encourage it abroad, and whose sole object is not simply that of conserving place when they can get it. He knows the value of a statesman whose downfall is eagerly desired by his Holiness the Por, who sends over foreign eccle- siastics to endeavour to effect it; which they can only do by employing iritual persuasion or intimidation to enlist Roman Catholics on the side.of that party which includes Mr. NewprecaTe. In endeavouring to effect the downfall of Lorn Patmerstoy, those foreign ecclesiastics do him not only the test honour that they can, but also the greatest service. They dispel the fancy or refute the pretence that England is losing influence in Europe. We may be sure that England has plenty of influence in Europe so long as we see the emissaries of the Porz hard at work endeavouring to effect the downfall of the Minister who wields it. We are, moreover, sure that he wields it aright. ‘‘ Vote for ! Lorp Patmerstow and Constitutional Freedom at home and abroad !” That will now be the Liberal and truly Conservative cry at every election. That of the party whom the Opposition leaders lead by the nose, will, to express what.is really their only distinctive policy, be “ Dersy,. Drskaeti, and Pio Nono the Pors Kine for Ever!” Much good may it do them ! RACES WITHOUT HORSES. Mr. Ponca has been favoured with acue of the Rules and Regu- lations :issued “‘ by permission of Masor-Gengrat Ripiey” for the idance of the managers of the races at the Camp, Curragh, Ireland. Find the gallant Major-General been Uld Bos Riptey, we should not wee been surprised at any bit of fun like the penultimate rule, which is t is aaa “The horses are to be at the post precisely at the advertised times, or the races will proceed without them. Mind, this is not an Irish bull, but an emanation of the wisdom of a knot of English officers. . Perhaps, however, they are acclimatised. Fine and Final Moral Declaration. (Wrung from our Used-up Contributor.) Tue Bank at 8, the Glass at 80,. Che Sara, Sara. I’ma Turk, Bring weeds and ice, my dearest Karte, I’tt Pay no Brits, anp Do xno Work. The Election in the West. Exeter Caance for a Liberal.—The Conservative Lorp CouRTENAY. CoLeRpGe’s Aids to Reflection —Broken promises of Exeter Electors. Wuat mape a Tory succeep Divert.—D1viT12. Printed William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. P: the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in M Whiteline Chey ot bimtoe Mice, ard St Se eee hiceirign City of Lovtoe ud Published by them at No. 6 Fleet Strect,in the Pariah of St4Bride, City ity o! ters, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of London.—Satvunpay, August 13, 1864. the Precinct of | ' ser

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Aveust 20, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 71 Federal Malingerer (in robust Health, to English Officer whom he meets ata New York Hotel), “ Wat, Sts! You skE MY LEAVE CAVED LAST WEEK, BUT I AIN'T GOIN Back YET. I’vE Got GasTRIC FEVER NOW, AND Guess Next MontH I’LL HAVE Smatt Pox!” THE KING OF PRUSSIA’S HOUNDS. (Song by Herr Von Bismarck.) Kine WIL114M supreme reigns b, Bee right divine, With a will that owns not any bounds His realm is a kennel, his a canine, And I am his Master of Hounds. Dogs, to drink and smoke none faster Guzzle beer or blow canaster ; Dogs, led as sheep by pastor ; Led by me y me. I am the Kennel Master ; Don’t you see? The Kennel was only a short time ago Disturbed with a mutinous row ; ; The dogs howled and growled; made of {teeth a slight show, And a terrible deal of bow-wow. Dogs to drink, &c. Brute natures by human, through craft, are compelled With the strength of superior brains ; And so, when the Kennel had almost rebelled, I hounded the pack on the Danes. Dogs to drink, &c. They flew, tooth and nail, at the throats of the foes For my perpen at whom they were set, And thus did I, apes ber wm dogs by their nose, Their grievances make them forget : iogs to drink, &c. Now, gorged, they will go back to Kennel again, There in quiet contentedly lie, Submitting to have on the muzzle and chain, If paws and tongue need be to tie : Dogs to drink, &c. How deeply, how slyly those dogs I have done! Like a fox, how the pack I have sold ! If oe | find that out, I may be taken for one, And get served like Acteon of old. Dogs to drink, &c. A Geographical Bad ’un. In what respect does the land on the banks of the Wye English Officer (rather taken aback). “ Gastric Fgven—anD Smatt Pox! REALLY | differ from that at Land’s End, Cornwall ? I pon’r UNDERSTAND !” In this, viz., that the one is on a Wye-stream, and the Federal Malingerer. ““Wux! way’s THIs. I co To a Civitan Doctor, AND TELL | other on an Ex-treme. nim I want A Montn’s Sick LzeaveE—anp I sust cive nim Twenty DoLiars, 80 HE CeERTIFIEs I’m SICK, AND Gozs TO aN Army DoctoR wHO CERTIFIES 7 ‘ { I orr my Lxavz, anD THE Two Doctors 7rovseR THE DoLLARs | Investment.— Buy the margin of fair Zurich’s waters. [Spits, and cuts a fresh plug of Tobacco. | Tulla-liety,” &c. IT-18-SO, BETWEEN ’EM!” To ContrventaL Srecunators.—Poetical and Eligible THE NAGGLETONS ON VOLUNTEERING. Mr. Naeeweton has dined in Town. Mrs. NacGieton has dined with the Children. He has returned about Six o'clock. Scunzr—The Drawing-Room. Mr. Naggleton (chet Anybody called ? Mrs. Naggleton (coldly). Who should call at this time of year, when we decent person is out of town r. NV. (playfully). I asked an answer, not a question. Mrs. N. (as before). No one has called on me. Mr. N. rings the bell, Mrs. N. What do you want ° | I want the bell answered. That was one reason why I rang it. Mrs,'N. The servants are busy. : Mr. N. Now, how should you know? Surely such domestic details are beneath your notice. I doubt whether you know how many servants we have. Here is one, however. Enter Houseman. Has anyone called for me P He id. Only the taxes,’ Sir, and Mz. WispHam Waninc. He poy voi a card, but his love, and you was to be punctual at eight e Mr. N. I understand. ousemaid. And there is a large parcel of clothes for you, Sir. I HK have put it in the dressing-room. [Zrit HouseMarp. Mr. N. What a blessing this rain has been. The country must look | lovely. "es. N. That concerns those who are allowed to see it, not me. Mr. N. All in good time, my dear. The taxes, I thought I had paid them. Mrs. N. O dear, don’t apologise for leaving your wife exposed to | e thinks of. Mr. N. The first and the last, if he ’s a good man. Mrs. N. But the insolence of officials must be borne—a woman cannot help herself when a husband is unwilling or unable to meet his debts,—but I will not bear vulgar people coming and leaving joking messages with my domestics. Mr. N. No, I told you it was not the thing when we were walking out last night, and you left word with Mrs. Snorcutzy’s Marta, to say that you supposed her Mistress had been washed away by the rain. Mrs. a Will you be good enough to tell Mz. Warne that if he chooses to persist in calling here, he had better behave like a gentleman ? Mr. N. I shall tell him nothing of the kind. Mrs. N. Then I shall. ‘ : Mr. N. I can’t prevent your making an unladylike speech to anybody, but that is scarcely the way to impress him with a sense of his error. Mrs. N. We shall see. I am not afraid of him, though you are. Mr. N. Am1? I didn’t know it. Mrs, N. Other people do. Mr. N. Bless them. - ’ F Mrs. N. I wanted to call on the Bartmores this evening, but as you have Mrz. Wanine’s orders to be somewhere else, of course that is out of the question. duns. A man’s home is the last thing h ae Beene 1 VOL. XLVII. {I ee

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72 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Avausr 20, 1864. Mr. N. Not for that reason, but because I do not choose to call on} Mr. NV. (uéterly subdued). You wicked radical, you; I wonder that any but decent people. ome fat Peerage there, which you study so hard, doesn’t explode and blow Mrs. N. And what have you got to say against the Batrmmorss, | YOU away. —I admi t is bad it onen t that th Mrs. N. T respect the aristocracy, dear, but te depreciate the great come weet friende er ’ bp ~ oy ®° | middle class would ill become the LF of a mercantile: man—— F. Mr. N. You just said that-all decent people were out of town. Mr. N. (but not spitefully). Or the niece of a celebrated acc— Mrs. N. The Bauzmonrzs go on Thursday, and that’s why I want to Mrs. N. Hennr! : let see them, but it is so like-you to shelter yourself behind a mean catch. Mr. N. Acclimatiser of infant’aristocrats. i ved Pd , and

shel : Mrs. N. ily). Do know that TI think. Unele would ot your favour, Dus, than of fur favours Dendroory Sha ate ike fo Beveled thal He was fond of sewer exprsnons. z hind a catch would be difficult, even to an expert cricketer Mr. N. (laughing). The taste is hereditasy: Mrs. N. Trash! " Mrs, N. (gee the Tuileries). Don’t begin Cg a agaim. You Mr. N. (struggling to be civit, but not exactly succeeding). Truc, Bat ye invite me to come and see you—grilled, OF I musé tell that to eae Seaen nen ane © amnearare gen eomeng ite NW. (weeniy). Well, yes, certainly, but yond beter wat uni Mrs. N. I don’t believe there ’s another man in London calling him } is a little more perfect in certain exercisem i oa semi emepile ae bed A hr bib ta leave ridioal go Bo ; tre (sunocently). Such as the goose-step, dear? I think I {have at his door to make a servant grin when she delivers them. we MARCRVED Mr. N. T have (ramon) apn you m an on that kind of message, so we need not re-open the subject. you like; I will leave you ab) a half. Bautrmore’s and call for you in an s : Mrs. N. I shall do no such thi will amother time. Now Mr. N. 1 said what J would do, my dear, if you liked. me te go with you to the Bazmmonrs? aad Mrs. N. Certainly, that you may go to some low haunt or other with W. Of Edo. They are to Brussels, whick i» only Mx. Wanzxo, and come back to the BaLrmronss in a state of walgar after all, I and L-want you to say’ to excitement. Mr. N. Serene in good intent, Manta, I defy that taunt. Weare’ going to see a nobleman, a real nobleman, my dear, and to listen to his aristocratic and improving conversation for the time I have mentioned. ,| Mrs, N.: As if any nobleman would receive Ma. Ware and you! | Mr. N. I am going by the divine creature’s express invitation, not to say command, Mrs. Naccretow, Now! I Mrs. N. I will believe that when I see it. | Mr. N. Duly thanking you for your wifely confidence and respeet, E will at once permit you to see it. There! [He gives her a in which he is informed by the Adjutant of the Westbourne Volunteers that they are to come to drilt that ev at Hight, when the Cotonet, Lory Suivertoncve, will

e f = 1 ry rem a itis Back io not big, exon for a sy is no or - rein Roy ‘4 xn ‘ WH I have no desire to compliment the Frenelt nation. the word. I know no better one. ‘ ; Mrs. N. But you have a desire to compliment me. Go upand put the Mr. N. (in a white rage). Well, that is am excuse,I admit. And I yniform on, a knock at the children’s door and tell them to come deserve the word, for—for several reasons, one being before my face. down. Then we'll go to Mrs. Barrrwore’s. Would you mind having However, there are limits to everything. (Zises.) I will send up your g cab, as I am rather tired ? ; cheque from wherever I may be to-morrow. evening. Mr. N. As you like. Be ready at half-past seven. rs. NV. (thinking of the Paris trip). Now, Hewry, is not that Yrs. NV. Allright. You are quite like the Duke or Wanumveron cowardly, and just like a man? A wife does not exactly see the already in your prompt orders. rationality of something he is doing, and instead of defending it, he runs =; W.. (half grumbling). I wish I wasn’t like himim having to invade — at a time of year too when she is without a soul to speak to. France. Exit. Mr. N. She had better speak to her own soul, at least to hercon-| Irs, W_ Yes, I should think I’would havea cab. Fancy walking in seience, and ask what she es. daylight with a man who has on a. uniform for the: first. time! But I Mrs. N. 1 was wrong. There! But I have been far from well all have clenched Paris. Men are very weak. If Ae had called me a fool, day, and you startled me so with the sudden paper that I did not know |] would have made it Rome before I spoke to him again. But we what I said. How can you be so cross? i i i te gy Bee ee, must put up with them. Come in, darlings. Pr z Poe I begged ee Bsn But why could you not = tell me that you were going to be a VOLUNTEER. i Mr. N. I had planned what I foolishly thought would be a pleasant } Shakspearian. little surprise for you and the children when I came down in the uni-| Wuar proof exists that Prince Arthur, King John’s nephew, possessed form. But I ought to have known how little [ could calculate upon | a large stock of linen ? your abominable temper. Because SHAKSPEARE, who was thoroughly blank-versed ia the a e KR : & F a

Mrs, N. And if my temper is not quite what it was, what has spoiled | history of that time, makes the unfortunate boy, when meditating a it but the trials of my married life? And you ought therefore to be the | departure from England, say, last person to revile me for it. “Tl find a th d shifts to get Aes r. N. You say what is perfectly untrue, and no woman ever had less | Ae et are to complain of. : : Mow Ah! You little know what le say. sent by Hubert to his Uncle, who lost them in the Mr. N. And T care as little. _ Mrs. N. (has capital rejoinder, and if she were only in Paris ‘—but as NOT A WORD ABOUT THE PIG, it is only says). My dear Henny, do not set the strength of your mind! 4 Very Clever Book has just come out under the title of the Com- against mine. Allow me a woman’s privilege to be unreasonable. And) petition Wallah. It may be necessary to inform agricultural gentlemen come, if T let you go to Loxp SitveRToneve, will you promise not to |'that the subject matter of this publication is not what may be sup- be later than ten ? | posed to have taken place in a stye. Mr. N. If I am, tell the servant to go round for you. Mrs. N. Now that’s unkind, after what I have said. Mr. N_ After what you have said, I don’t think so. France. Mrs. N. Yes, it is. Go and learn your drill,—I su that was| Tex Imperial Government of France is about to make some alterations what Mr. Wanine meant by grill—and make fri with Lorp }in the laws regulating the well-known game of Fingt-et-ux. Henceforth, SILVERTONGUE, and ask him to come and:see us. to be consistent with a recent decision, it shall be the object of the Mr. N. Not very likely that he will. 3m to obtain thirteen, but the game shall still retain its old name Mrs, N. I don’t know why. It is a fine noble family, certaimly, but | of Vingt-et-un. he is only the second peer, and his grandfather made his’ fortune by : honourable commerce, just as you have done. _ Where is the wonderful| Navuricat Coysuntnc.—To keep a Sailor’s Log-Book properly, is difference between you ? considered to be the Art of Ledger-de-Main:

It is improbable that these were his grandam’s. Tien vere subsequently

| | | | { | |

cog Scere se SstQOmreaom 242edaaoe st

| aeoeae

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Aveusr 20, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIT. 73

GRAND HOTELS, AND THE MUCH-ADO-ABOUT-NOTHING SYSTEM. = _ , Vasr improvement has Bays Sf 4 "bem lately introduced , = - ~~ nthe building of our Wid / Large Hotels. New yy ' systemsof Management are being tried at some : =—-= of the est of the Grand Hotels. The following Rules appear VU eA, inf Wl TD ZA ‘} recently erected, on one of the most command- fashionable parade of n-super- Mare :— Rule 1.—For keeping the accouuts clear, and

ting civility in the serv- ants of the House. Probable Hypothesis ; the customer gives an order to the waiter, in the Coffee Room. If

1 Wd e f su waiter officially anthor- ised to receive such order, then this waiter must inform the said customer, that he ought to address himself to ot ean, at the same time expressing his deep regret that he is prevented, by exist- ing regulations, from personally attending to the gentleman’s wants. Hereupon, if there be time, he may apply his napkin to his eye, inti- mating thereby that he is affected even unto ‘tears. He may then, unless otherwise engaged at his own special table, proceed in search of the required waiter. Rule 2.—When the eustomer gives his order to the right waiter in the right place. The waiter so a shall say, “ Yes, Sir,” slowly and dtstinctly, shall.not move any glasses from any table for no particu- lar purpose, shall wof dustia clean table-cloth with his napkin, nor shall snaoite Se —— for the sake of touching the gon giems a90- taining i wheat eae waiters generally appear to derive leieeatant energy, as did Some-one-us from his native earth ; but, eschewing such annecassary trifling, shall at once proceed on his mission in the manner following :— Given. The order for a glass of sherry and soda-water. Observe. Here be two ingredients for the one drink, and several First | Secondly, A glass wherein to put it. ‘Thirdly, A decent silver salver whereon to hand it. Fourthly, A bottle of soda- water. Fifthly. ~H i i will walk: ly to a corner of the room, where— Rule 3.—Shall be seated one matronly. personage, attended by a damsel, whose joint business it shall be to receive the orders from the iter, enter them in a book, and take the waiter’s number before he’ i has ‘been ted from that in use at the’ leaves the room. (‘This i Stations applied to cabdrivers. ‘Lhe Committee of the New Grand Hotel are not pple mF ge _It shall be the business of g wrong entries; and the’ the damsel to prevent the matron shall keep a vigilant eye upon the movements of the damsel. is surname, Christian name, number, , have been duly registered in the abovementioned book, the to a glass door, behind which shall be seated communicate the wishes of the customer. clerks shall enter the order in a large book, supervised b other clerks, who shall look over his shoulder; second cler then enter while the other two look over Ais = . to be in experimental | b ie. oll working at the mag- Whey x. _-miificent establishment | d ing sites, opposite the | nature and, further, for eal this waiter be not the | to tumbler. Sixthly, A knife. Seventhly, A corkscrew . Ki , A tray whereon to carry these last. Fally i with the magnitude of this commission, the waiter cheque for the sherry to the amount required ; i.e., one glass. Rule 5.—The waiter shall then proceed to another glass door, where, (This prevents all confusion.) bar; get the barmaid’s stamp ratified waiter’s ratification of the barmaid’s stamp endorsed by the s' assistant-under-secretary’s oval of the manager’ y the under-secretary, t 8 warranty signed ird flight; such signature irector top story,{who s oom ; down-stairs, with the copy of the telegram of particulars clerks behind the glass He shall then proceed to fetch the sherry. Rule 7.—The above will be carefully repeated for the Soda-water. Rule 8.—The barmaid shall then apply to the under-cellarman, shall inform the cellarman, who notify the same to the master- ecllarman, who shall depute the sub-under-cellarman to give the bar- maid the required sherry. Rule 9.—So also for the soda-water ; application to be made to th refrigerator-man, and so forth. ihe —— Rule \0.—The waiter shall procure another waiter to assist him in bringing in the sherry on tts salver, the soda-water on its tray, and the under-porter to open the Coffee Room door. Rule 11. (appended hereunto by the public). Having found the sher and soda-water, the waiter will now Lawes. to find--the customer. ™

PROFESSIONAL LOVE SONG. THE MEDICAL ASSISTANT. I Know I mind the Surgery bell, and roll the frequent pills, While she—a banker’s only child (J. P., D. L., Esquire), Is belle at all the County balls, and beauty of the shire, The diagnosis of my case the sympathetic know, That counter-irritant, the boy, has probed it long ago ; He sees the flush, the start, the stare, when she goes riding by, And grins the while he idly spreads the lively Spanish fly. Good bye to “ Watson” when the eye a sight of some one gets— The merest glimpse of Bexia’s nose nosology upsets ; Or if dispensing and I hear her piebalds from the Park— The cooling lotions I neglect her lineaments to mark. I’ll go to Guy’s, I’ll carve my way to surgical renown, I'll live on pulse till I’m the boast of my natal market-town ; And in this local print—How now! some water, I’m unwell— The palpitation at my heart no stethescope can tell! ** Match in High Life—on the ¢apis—and to come off in May, *Tis well that boy is in the town delivering pills and doses,* _ Just let him mind his eye! I’m mad e might get ecchymosis ! Farewell the hope each Sunday brought that passing down the aisle, She might vouchsafe to gladden me with one phlogistic smile ; Farewell the dream, that sitting by the fire was bliss, Of one day giving her the sweet emulsion of a kiss. There is no salve on all the shelves can mitigate my smart ; Not all the College can reduce a fracture of the heart ! As so my Downa Bxruia’s going to become another's wile, Come, Belladonna, berry dear, and ease me of my life.

Theatrical. An Energetic Provincial Manager advertises an Operatic, as well as a Dramatic and let Company. He intends that this shall be, he says, a “ Tresie Company.” Surely he will have some difficulty in getting Operas specially composed for a Treble Company. Where’s asst

*T wixt the lovely and accomplished Mass B. Buanx and GenERAL J.” | shoulder, and so on with the third. During this time, the waiter shall | look over his own shoulder; the left shoulder. He shall then receive a | after a similar ceremony, he shall receive another cheque for soda-water. Rule 6.—He shall then get the order stamped by the maid at the | by the head-waiter; get the head- | the sub-manager’s endorsement warranted by the manager u ome flight of stairs; the warranty of the aneper ap one flight of Gabe, approved of by the assistant-under-secretary on the third landing; the | the secretary; the secretary’s aeeawe countersi by the ee tor telegraph i the committee ; director’s counter-sig- | ) r-secretary’s third | the a a signature to the | of stairs warranty of t 8 en- = he thew e J peer cog sat the — stam | cheque re waiter procured from one of the pre oa Coffee Room. who I know I draw the paupers’ teeth, and cure their coughs with squills ; |

pee i oe r Et ee Me es a i ee eee pe PER

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 20, 1864.

RETURN FROM THE RACES—BOIS DE BOULOGNE. English Stable-boy (to his Pal). “I sax, Jones, 1sy't 1T 4 Piry MouNSEER HAS NOT GOT ANOTHER HaND FOR THE WuHIP!”

PADDY BEFORE RICHMOND. Tue Irish boy to the war is gone, _ In the ranks of Grant you’ll find him.) By Yankee bayonets goaded on, With a frequent prod behind him. “Land of Crimps!” said the youth ill-starred, ** Let Bricut and Cospen praise thee, And ivery fool their words regard ; Och botheration saze thee! ” Poor Pappy fell on the Southern plain, Ere he fire had well Soy E on his legs again, ‘ <a by thunder! ” And said, “‘ Ye dirty blackguards, ye Base sons of bogus knavery. It Phe poy you are that Trade mayn’t be free, not to abolish Slavery !”

WOMEN AND WALKING-STICKS. Tue statement that Eve once presented Apam with a little Cam, may perhaps, by a bad punster be considered a good answer when one is asked if walking-sticks may be esteemed to be of ancient date. But whether their antiquity be provable or no, it seems that Canes are more and more now coming into modern use: for the Empress OF THE Frencu, has taken them in hand, and as Empress of the Fashions her influence is all-potent to make popular her taste. For the instruction of our ers, we copy what was lately said on this important point in a contemporary print :— “* As the little cane has been seen in the hand of the Sovereign, all other young women have adopted it. This cane is now made equal in value to a jewel, and is generally white—in ivory, or rhinoceros ivory, or in white wood, ja) and nee and all theart possessed by workers in ivory is lavished on little object. The ivory cane is carved all over with , Side by side with the knotted bark 0! inhabitants of Pekin ; whilst those from Dieppe represent the

a tree, and are ornamented with acorns in white silk or any bright colour. The head of the cane is engraved with the initials or crest, and often encrusted with turquoise or garnets.” Some ladies stick at nothing in making themselves fashionable, so we can hardly be surprised to find them take to wearing sticks. Never- theless, a description of these ladies’ canes, we think, is not superfluous, or cynics when they hear of a woman with a walking-stick, might imagine her resembling an old fairy in a emery supported by a crutch. Now, if we were a young lady = our figure is so slim and | elegant that it were no great stretch of fancy to imagine that we were one), we should not like to be belikened to the Mothers Bunch and Goose, or to poor old Goody Two Shoes, and people of that sort. But a cane such as is above described, we should be sure that no old person would ever dream of carrying, aah they were in a stage of second childhood, and could not take a walk without some plaything in their hand. A walking-stick of ivory “carved all over wit. Es pen and inhabitants of Pekin,” is a sort of thing that nobody would carry for convenience, and its only point of usefulness would be that it might help the fortunes of the glove-makers, for with a very little handling, it —— would play sad havoc with one’s gloves. On this ground, we assuredly as father of a family, shall forbid our girls from following this fashion of the Empress, however great a tyrant they may think us for so doing. But all Papas have not their daughters under such control as we have, and in some cases perhaps, a compromise may be foun needful, to prevent a flat refusal to obey Papa’s behest. Here we would advise him, if he can, to make the bargain that if Jutia and Eazy will rsist in ing canes, they will both abstain while doing so from uying parasols. More than half the ladies who carry poe do so when the sun has not the least idea of shining, and when therefore those articles are not of the least use to them. On such occasions, walking- canes would serve them just as well, and be cheaper in their wear and tear perhaps than parasols. An economic girl might, with a little es convert her last year’s parasol stick into a new walking one, and so save Papa the cost of the ivo to which allusion has been made. But we fear it is not fashionable to be economic, and a young lady who would condescend to manufacture her own walking- {| stick, would probably have sense enough to walk without a stick at

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Aveusr 20, 1864, 7.60% , ’, WY FAWN ite Mi _— VAL SOMETHING FOR PADDY. O’Corwetz’s Statuz (10q.). “IT’S A REPALER YE CALL YOURSELF, YE SPALPEEN, AND YOU ’RE GOIN’ TO DIE FOR THE UNION.”

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| ” a ee a eS - ea Se ae ee ee ee |

Page 81

Avaust’ 20, 1864] — PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SEVERITY OF THE SCOTCH SUNDAY. A great deal more I might have said, indeed Have written volumes that “ wherum may read ;”” Volumes! if on this subject I’ Whoe’er should read, would rum: er, have you ever trit hy; a es of the rom Chess, hich, with a -plan of a board, my eye Have attracted ? Aren’t monstrous dry ? | Tat Groquét's Mot a bit lew dry-—in print : uét’s not a —in " Now, ‘ts Mass Baner's tur; she strikes the Blue, | * Hed Groquét Bie, hits, Yellow, moves to free,” t Hep gains, out misses nu . puzzles you? ” ’s me, oth timid a hae act phys we Tie there my mallet I » t- failure as. “ a sell.” Henceforth will wield. A few words, then, at : ai “Ho!” from the farthest corner comes a shout We’re told that Sgueers, the Whence éd Rosison would fain get out ; Had a queer mode of setting boys to work; the sicken sl Take the word “ wi ot seen it, ies the jan s , ll roquét. Good. In one word say it : ; : hat’s good again. Now then, you go and play it. ; ay ae 5 J Pe Bee WHY AND BECAUSE: Dear Mr. Ponca, Tue paragraphists say, 2 Ed ** It is gratifying to observe the unanimous testimony of the Judges during the Fy mm bpdrnnretnctnemyer mee Lm ce het to beg who would serve one Crime is always low, in fact vulgar, whether committed in Ireland, or elsewhere, and I do not understand the Irish Judges. If they mean rare, why can’t they say so? And if do mean Tam rejoiced to hear of its rarity, and scorn to hint the ion of Ireland was never so scanty as it is now. Why do black eat so mach less than white ones? Beeause the black are:mueh the E Yours, cynically, A Matienant Saxon. Reciprocal Conscience-Money. X.Y.Z. acknowledges the receipt of £200 from the Cwawezinon or vHE ExcHequer for Legacy Duty, which had been paid twice over to the Inland Revenue Offiee. WHEN THE COMET IS VISIBLE. (Orally communicated by our own Astronomer with a severe Cold.) Ip - Jor Tussaup’s Wagswork, there’s a boving figure of the Th [

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Avausr 20, 1864,

Enraged Cabby. “Srxrence spy Hact 0’ PaRii'MENT, THEN YOU DON’T KETCH MB A CARRYIN’ OF YER AG’IN, CAUSE I CAN’? AFFORD IT. WHY IT WON'T Pay ME FoR Horn’ axp ScrEWIN’ UP ARTER YER! !” | THE IRREMOVABLE DEPOSIT JOINT STOCK BANKING COMPANY. THIs Dempeay hes been established to meet a pressin want, which has been long severely felt by persons o! teal but somewhat slender means, as well as by the mem 0 the poorer classes. It will afford a safe, and at the same time a permanent investment for all sums, however small, which ‘are entrusted to its keeping, and on which liberal rate of interest will be guaranteed. principal intention of this Deposit per 5 is to retain whatever principal may chance to be confided to it, and out of this to pay as high a rate of interest as the managers may find it to their interest to allow. he Government have taken great credit to themselves for the Act which they have passed for granting Govern- ment Annuities, and have also plumed themselves upon the notable success of the Post Official Savings Banks, esta- blished not long since. Both these measures were inten: to induce the poor to save, and lay up money for old age, receiving or accumulating interest their doing so. There is this defect, however, in vernment invest- ments, that the money which is put in them, will be paid Now in the Irremovable Deposit Company, this evil will be stopped, for nobody will be permitted to withdraw above a quarter of the money he may place in it. Depositors will thus be saved from the temptation of drawing out their savings on some frivolous pretence, such as sickness, emi- gration, or protracted want of work. Moreover, though they cannot spend their own money themselves, they will at aay rate continue to possess the satisfaction of knowing it is standing to their credit at the Bank, until the Bank Directors may think proper to make use of it. For further particulars and terms as to obtaining a place on the Directorship, which it is expected will yield a certain income of at least ten thousand a-year, apply to JEREMIAH DipvteR, No. 1, Scamp Buildings, Shark Street, where the business of the Company is for the present carried on.

Puss In THE CornER.—The Cat is let out of the bag at last, and is now used for flogging tters in Dur Gaol. We heartily join with the worthy Chaplain in saying, | “ Sarve ’em right !”

out at any moment when the owners may apply for it. |

A CHAT ABOUT THE NETLEY MONUMENT. Scunz—ZJnside a First Class Carriage. Swe. and SurGEON passengers. we Deuce! (Winking and blinking violently ; presses fingers to his Surgeon. Something in your eye ? Swell, Cinder from engine. Surg. Let me take it out. Swell, Thanks. Surg. Where do you feel it ? Swell, Here—just here. : : : _ Surg. Under the upper eyelid. Wait a minute—must evert the lid. m’t be alarmed (taking out pocket case); only want this thing. { Accomplishes the operation by the help of a small probe). There! ut Swell (winks and blinks). Out! Thanks. By Jove! (Observing case returned to pocket.) Lucky to have a Surgeon in the train. Surg. That is lucky, sometimes. Swell. Too often. Every train ought to carry a Surgeon. Surg. Yes, and an Assistant-Surgeon, to operate if necessary on the other. A man can’t cut off his own leg. Swell. That is one of those things that no fellow can be expected to do. A Surgeon in a railway-train is as liable to be smashed as any other fellow. He is like a Surgeon under fire. Right and proper, that Netley Monument. Surg. To the fifty-four medical officers who fell in the Crimea. Swell, Monument will be a rather fine thing. Surg. Yes; but it won’t do. Swell. Why? Surg. It won’t encourage fifty-four more, or any number of fellows, to fall in the Crimea or elsewhere on the present terms. Swell, Ha! Yes. There’s a regular Surgeon-Famine in the Army. It’s a great bore, : Surg. The famine < be relieved easily enough. Swell. What do the Surgeons want? Better pay? x Surg. Well, yes; but more than that; better treatment. Fraternity and equality.

Swell, Ah yes! Iunderstand. To stand on the footing of brother officers and gentlemen. _ Surg. That’s all. It isn’t much. . Swell. Well, you see, a Queen’s warrant was issued to give them that. But the combatant officers wouldn’t stand it. Surg. So when the doctors had been hooked in, the warrant was coolly rescinded. . Swell. It certainly was an awful swindle, Surg. Talk of combatant officers! Isn’t a fellow who may have to take up an artery in a shower of bullets as much a com t officer as a General who as often as not directs strategic operations at a safe distance from them; if not exactly, as the showman says, “ taking good care to keep out of ’arm’s way ? Swell. That was “ Bonaparty,” I think. Surg. “ Navotzon Bowararty.” Wasn’t THomson, who was left on the field in charge of the wounded all night, which killed him, a com- batant officer ? : Swell. As much so as any fellow who ever won the Victoria Cross. mesg There was a time, to be sure, when Army-Surgeons were a rough lot. Swell. In short, when Surgeons were Snobs. It’s odd how long peajedicn survives. ‘The tradition of the Army is, that they are Snobs still. Surg. Yes ; and good care is taken to keep them Snobs by refusing to treat them as gentlemen. Able Surgeons won’t — the position of Snobs. So the authorities have absolutely been reduced to advertise for Acting- Assistant-Surgeons. Swell. Certainly the cleverest way to get*the compound of Surgeon and Snob which they appear to want. y I’m afraid it doesn’t answer. Have an idea! As they are resolved that the medical officers in the Army shall be Snobs, they should head their advertisements :— “ Wanted, Snobs for Surgeons.” Surg. They will most assuredly get no Surgeons but Snobs, unless they give in. Decent fellows, men of education, steadily refuse to compete for the service. Doctors do agree on this point; and their unanimity is wonderful. : Swell. It is very plucky of them, and does them the greatest credit. I admire their spirit, by Jove. The medical profession hanging together j |

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARTVART. 79 ought rather to do that—is to underbid one another, Sung, When: you have found ur distinguished Surgeon. ‘mention it to PALMERSTON. Train stops.) Got a card? Thanks! Here’s mine. Dante havemet you. 4x revoir. [Ezit. ie Ean.or Prixtmmmon. Well, tobe sure! I that.young fellow was a. gentleman. i has frame a few rules — fn be found i Caress, CavenpisH, Banp- wry, or any of the standard authorities. As everybody s 5 a solemn truth that “the Call. You must never call for anything, when at whist, except for seltzer and sherry, and you may call for this once only during a rubber. Slam. A very rude habit. When you enter or leave the card-room, close the door gently. ; Tenace. Notinng Is more unbecoming than to be vulgarly tenacious, but it is well to have your rights ised. ; See-Saw. You ought not to leave the table during a rubber, for a a at this, no matter how much you may desire to stretch your limbs. all clubs, however, a plank and barrel are kept in the strangers’ room for the recreation of whist-players, between the games. ing. Cut everybody d the game, except when you are obliged . Whist on abeolute silence. . If the waiter hands you this, beware of slopping and wetting the cards, as old players do not like it. i ii om are in this, yow had better not play whist until cured. _ Lurch. This applies to games on board a yacht, or other vessel. It) is manly to look over an adve s hand when he falls into . If your voice is of this character, there is additional reason for silence, for nothing is more detestable than a squeaker. d . Old-fashioned gentlemen, who dislike vulgar swearing, use this active verb as part of an oath. The late Mr. Dowron was always saying “renounce me.” But it is better avoided. } Tierce major, or minor must never be mentioned when you are playing gl These withd tation after th d rubber ; . These raw by rotation e secon , so you see the advantage of being sets man. Abandoned Hands. Hover play with people of this kind. Bald Lead. When this is led, the adversary must say “dash my Cards. Tf these are dealt to you, call the card-room waiter, and silently kick him. Rauffs. They are the same birds as Reeves, but you should not talk of them at gy. . “ When you shoot, shoot, when you play whist, play whist.” (Caartes Dance.) . King-Card in Petto.—If you keep it there too long, your partner is justified in also'in a pet. Cutting Out. Nothing can be more annoying to the other players than your doing this during a game. If a messenger has come and wants you, let him wait. into a ey Rp goer initials, if you have a knife, but do no more. It wastes time and spoils the cloth. Asking for ay 4 You can ask, if you like, but the dealer ought not to attend to you, but to give out the cards-impartially. iil Jove! Well, I think I have. Fine idea. Will NOSTRUM AND VESTRUM, GENTLEMEN, pe ni a ge : gestio mg nerves, sound lungs fanstionnl t removing constipation on one hand and di debility, dropsy, cramps, elie. by ae ps, Spasms F whose: authenticity I cam vouch for. regularity and gnergy to the most deondared or OR MUTUAL ATTES- TATION. To Mzssrs. Du Barry anp Co. Ir is with the greatest pleasure that I | 1 owe to Betety by attecling the Aeweh gf vemen th Aong . * "2, . ° s e 0 - si ae de military, and with the legal. Make a distin- y ri, rtp which restores perfect liver, i ), habitual cea On the: all as well as mental insanity, fevers, hemorrhoids, liver complaints, flatulency, biliousness, sore throats. " colds, influenza, noises in the head and even in the ears, rheumatism neuralgia, irritability, sleep- aces saat letinam cieo sees palpitation, vitution, heartburn, headache, sinking, so many have found watery a P gre 5 O oblige the PortLawp, AR-| asthma, bronchitis, incipient confirmed and galloping ‘consumption, LINGTON, GARRICK, and 2 jighinaas of the pulmonary organs sub ysoney-market, pam at other clubs where the finest | the pit. of the stomach, between the shoulders; at the fingers’ ends and is played, a Com- | the tip of the nose, frambesia, plics Polonica, earbuncle, hydrophobia, been appointed | delirium tremens, and all diseases: Subjoined ,are two cases The first is that of the late lamented Eamt or ALDBOROUGH, on whom I tried your Revalenta Arabica, and it cured him of rheumatic. gout in the nape: of the neck, witl: repeated’ and formidable attacks of the blues. i from the use of those invaluable rance or total abstinence, can small-pox, thrush, stomach comp instantaneous remedy for the mulli preserving the pure and best materials of glanders in the human subject, have s of America, who have been bitten by’ the near Diss, Norfolk. Cure, No. 49,832. Of fever, fungus enumerated, with a windy swelling, and Ointment. now whist, and as it is eer Tie mip moe a) = sega of the chest, aecom- Yours. traly, Pror. Hottowayr. 7 ee erect cae acces nee maT CI — ar ene To Proressor Hortoway. We should decline the fulfilment of a moral obligation were we to withhold our testimony to the certain cure invariably resulting ines, HoLLoway’s AND Orstwent. Bilious and stomach complaints; all diseases springing 10 Earn nl ee Tygon ee Tings anh cold ¢ ‘ y employments, over. n, intem- a een oe be ‘cured me Sane a en a ever, ague, influenza, bro’ eria, whooping-cough, measles, h laints, bilious disorders, affections of the eye and the mind, and the toe, are easily met and readil conquered by your unrivalled medicaments. They are an effectual an atm q h act harmoniously in the body, and in expelling all that is redundant, effete, or corrupt, restoring the British constitution by a process precluding any occasion for the ballot and extensior of the suffrage. Thus the Cure is not slight and qauns, @& it.is' with the credulous, who swallow quantities of stuff which is unwho inert), but complete and permanent, as thousands who have been’ cured of dropsy, cancer, fatty degeneration of the’ heart,. a. and gratefully testified. In: ‘and ufferers in every quarter of the globe, including en de oo lesome if not marsh- mocassin, have been thoroughly renovated by your remedies. Having administered your Ointment and applied your Pills to numerous per- sons, we are enabled to subjoin a few out of 60,000 cures. Cure, No. 49,832. Of 50 years’ indescribable agony from - emg dyspepsia, nervousness, asthma, cough, constipation, flatu- mcy, spasms, sickness at the stomach, toads and frogs in the inside, vomiting, alloverishness and fidgets.—Manza Joty, Wortliam Ling, heematodes; and St. Vitus’s dance.—Sm Humpnrey Dumcunceon, of Jericho Baronet. Cures, Nos. 49,833, 49,834, and upwards. Of all'the diseases above puffiness’ of system, Your humble Servants, Banzy Du Barry & Co. P.S. The number of our Co. accounts for the multitude of the complaints we have been troubled with till cured by your Pills and Exeter Exection.—Any Member of have been asked to stand for this place. Odds. Are always in favour of even tempers. representative of Hygsitter. (Oh!) the Hentzy family sould Hen-ley ought. to be the best

Page 84

[Aveusr 20, 1864, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. gttt WY bhp g siren’ V Lhe ae “yf Ul” LZ “*“*th{Fl/ blag, 7. CLL LLLLE OAM LD SEES Ly i ‘4 77 Zz ,7 DT, CLA, W/I/- 7 \ Le ULL A sei ge Cre \ ——— — — - “41th ag. vr we a Mh hj f j Yi. HM Alli \\ YUU TT i | REMARKABLE INSTANCE OF THE FORCE OF HABIT. Wuat 1s Tas? Why, THIs 1s rounc SUBBLETON, OF THE —TH, JUST HOME FROM INDIA, AND WHO, IN THE COURSE OF a TEDIOUS VOYAGE, HAS GOT 80 ACCUSTOMED TO BEING “ ROCKED IN THE CRADLE OF THE DEEP,” THAT HE CAN'T GO TO SLEEP WITHOUT THE ABOVE LITTLE ILLUSION BEING PRACTISED OUTSIDE HIS Door FOR AN HOUR OR SO EVERY NIGHT. [N.B. Burrons is up-stairs overhead, dragging the Fire-Irons about the floor, and blowing a Dog-whistle at intervals. x \ Za \\ th was stirred up by a deputation from the Newport Town Council, that waited on him “ with the view of setting before him. the destruction of rural scenery which the inroad of bricks and -mortar would involve, and inducing him to abandon the project.” He promised to do all he could to meet the wishes of the pompins people. But “a portion of the land has been already let.” May the larger part be saved from the defacing clutches of the speculative builder ! The song, “ ’d choose to be a Daisy,” associated with the foregoing THE BUTTERCUP AND DAISY LEAGUE. Txere is in the music-shop windows on sale a vulgar song, entitled ** 1’d choose to be a Daisy.” Ts title, however, is suggestive, and has, | in fact, helped to suggest a proposal which may happily find favour. For the rest, this ai pam is derived from a paragraph in the Times, stating the threatene destruction, and the attempt in progress at the rescue, of a beautiful meadow, forming part of the view from Carisbrook | Castle in the Isle of Wight. “Gently sweeping from the carriage road below, down to the placid mill-stream, ‘is a flowery meadow, ‘ever | blooming fresh and fair,’ and studded with luxuriant elms ; beyond the | stream are the smiling gardens and verdant lawns of the west end of the village of Carisbrooke.” Such is the reporter’s account of this are of “charming rural scenery,” ven oe by the name of the “ Volunteer Field,’ having been . bought, -a-century ago, by the Volunteer officers of the Isle of Wight, out of their pay, applied by them “‘to Volunteer and charitable purposes.” ‘For these purposes, the money and the land were vested in trustees; but the money all went smash in a local bank some time ago, and it turned out, the other day, that “arrangements” had “ been made for letting the land on ground-rents particulars, has suggested the foundation‘ of a Society.for the defence of Woods, Forests, Commons, Moors, and all other wild and beautiful laces, from enclosure, agriculture, and bricks and mortar. This league or the preservation of English scenery will call itself “The Buttercups and Daisies.” It is not good even for grocers, cheesemongers, butchers, bakers, linendrapers, tailors, and shoemakers, that the beauty of the country adjacent to their shops should be ruined; spiritually it is bad for them, and financially also. The Isle of Wight has been called the Garden of England. What sort ‘of customers will its shopkeepers get when the parterres and flower beds of this garden are covered with bricks and mortar? Even the haberdasher and huckster may, with an enlightened. eye to business, if the association above proposed should’ be organised, for buil ses.” No wonder that “at Newport and everywhere : _ throughout the ‘sland, the project for carrying out this work of destruc- be disposed to become a Buttercup and choose to be a Daisy. tion has called forth strong feelings of bey ogre The only wonder is that a project for spoiling a part of the Isle of Wight was ever listened to by the Trustee of the land, who is no Snob, but Sir . : i . Hewry OGLaNDER, whose ancestors came in with the Conqueror. It| Tere are (on dit) to be Vivandiéres appointed to the Scotch is as hard to conceive an old English baronet acceding to such a scheme | regiments. So delighted were the men at the intelligence, that the as to fancy Fauns and Dryads consenting to the felling of timber. And| Band and Bagpipes immediately struck up, “ Zhe Camp-belles are yet we have to fight for Hampstead Heath against Sr Toomas Marron coming !” For Convatescents.—Riding and Walking Combined.—Equestrian Wusow. However, Srmzr Hewry OcLawper is not Sm Tomas WI1son, nor | R 1 is a Trustee who acts in the interest of others, like a proprietor who | exercise soon sets a man on his legs. simply consults his own. Sim Henry OGLanpeER is a nwa and | if the fine old blood had stagnated, and induced a lethargy of soul, it | SrortsMAN’s Book or Metopres ror Avevust.—Moor’s. Printed by William , of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parisa of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverle Street, in the Precinct of Whitetriars, City of , Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No. 8, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St, Bride, City of London.—Sarturpar, August 20, 1864. Military.

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Avaust 27, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. \ \ DANGER OF WO \\ ~ i) i. Silly, BCA aed ro. yy "a WS T1110) Lec CRINOLINE. Emily. “ On, Lavra, DEAR! Do TURN ROUND AND LOOK aT AUNTY!” THE WAY TO MEET THE TIMES. ‘(Zo an Old Croaker.) My Poor-sprritep FRIEND, * Waar fun it is to hear a small man like you, grumble, as you do, at being forced to contribute to that general prosperity which you are invited to share! You are out of keeping with the time—behind your age. Since you are forced to contribute to the general prosperity, why do you not accept the invitation to share it ? You complain, forsooth, that the Income-Tax deprives you of the | savings which, against old age and loss of employment, you ought to hoard out of your slender and precarious income. Poor petty miser ! How much would sixpence in the pound be to save out of an income which is slender and precarious? You ought not to have a precarious and slender income. You should make a fortune. Why don’t you speculate and be rich? Invest in several of those numerous joint-stock companies that will yield you twenty per cent. for your money. If you have no money to invest, borrow it at five per cent. Who will lend it to you? Nobody, while you live in such a hole and so shabbily as you do. Take a large house in a good district, give parties, and live up to the means which you should determine to get. The very basis of the country’s present prosperity, which you call in- flated, is our fiscal system. There is somethin pitifully laughable in your objection to direct taxation! You say that the State confiscates a large part of your little income, and offers you compensation by encouraging you to spend the remainder. Well, why don’t you take the compen- sation? You don’t want it, you say; don’t want the cheapened ~ uries which the facility of purchasing is the boon conferred on you by the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER in return for taking away your money. But you ought to want them. And you ought to make money to enable yourself to enjoy them. Make money, and make others make money. The price of butcher’s meat, and of many other things, is ruinously high P Pooh! Make the more money, and enrich your butcher, and others. Produce and consume more. You are not half either of a producer or a consumer. Raise your consumption to the social standard, and increase your production, that is to say acquisition, with all your might. Don’t talk of frugality, husbandry, thrift. Those very words are obsolete. Be as covetous as you please ; but no parsimony! Don’t be a narrow niggard; bea lavish screw. Sumptuous avarice is the fashion of the day, instead of cheeseparing economy. Probably, if you were living in a district where turnpike tolis have been abolished, you would complain of having to contribute, as a rate- payer, to the maintenance of the roads in more than a just proportion to your use of them, whereas what would be your proper course in such a case would be to indemnify yourself by using them more, and keeping horses and a carriage. I dare say, now, if any one were to leave you £1000, you would go and invest it in the Three-per-cents, as an old woman or a country curate would have done formerly. What would be the use of £30 of yearly dividend to you? You would be better without it, inside the workhouse. Risk a £1000 for £200 a-year, and then risk that at the same rate, andsoon. Nothing venture nothing have. What if you fail? You fail. You must fail somewhen. Any- how death is a sure smash for everybody. Failure need not come first. If it come, and is intolerable, why—there is chloroform. Are you subjected to cruel grinding, little sufferer? Don’t groan under it, like a weak idle fool. Endure the grinding, and reimburse yourself by grasping with redoubled energy. The harder you are ground, grasp the wider. Never think of theend. It may be opulence, may be pauperism, may be penal servitude. At the worst there is always—chloroform. The life to come? Oh, bother! you must jum thaf, and not stand in the way of this world with your galoches and ol umbrella. Who are you that you should have a way of your own which is not the world’s? Go with the majority, sacrifice, or you will be sacrificed to Mammon, as some dyslogistically call the Spirit of the Age. I prefer the name of Piurvs. An Old Story Spoiled. A Contemporary relates a wonderful anecdote about a hen, that flew at a cow in defence of her chickens, and killed the cow with one blow of her bill. This statement is not quite correct. To make the story perfectly genuine the hen should be a cock, and the cow a bull. VOL. XLVI. K

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. [Avausr 27, 1864. QUIET WATERING-PLACES. No. L—WINKLEBEACH. —= AVING been deputed to fill the Office of Chief Travelling Ex- = and Paid Of- cial Adviser to the Committee of the D. U. QO. W. P. E&. Company (Limited), which initials mean, minutes. Chops be it. “Prawns and ’Winkles to follow, of course?” Ofcourse. Platefuls of these are brought in after dinner. Like Prawns, doat on ’Winkles. 5°30.—I have unpacked, made myself comfortable, and sat down to my chop. The sea-breeze fans me through the open window, and a peppering of sand sprinkles my plate. “The Sea! the Sea! the o-o-pen Sea!” and so forth. Here ‘is quiet: real quiet. How very odd: I heard some- thing like a cheer. Another. I am informed by the waiting-maid that a Cricket-match, Zrade v. Genéry, is just being finished. Ah! a gala day, probably. Oh no, there’s Cricket every day about this time of year, anda fonce a week. Ahem! Well that’s scarcely a draw- back. I hear no more cheers. I wall light a cigar and as you are by this | stroll time probably aware, the Discovery-of Unquestionably- t - Watering - Plaees - in - England Company (Limited), I, on their behalf im icular, and in the interests of Society in general, have re- cently commenced my tour. The fol- lowing is my report : Winklebeach, Sus- sex Coast.—Winkle- ge socalled from splendid speci- ; j mens of the "Winkle tribe found on ‘its rocks, was recommended to me, as an out-of-the-way spot, by my young friend SaryMper, whose — it appears, is the owner of some considerable property in the nei ‘ The Railway has not yet reached Winkicheach. The nearest station is four miles A message by telegraph is unknown. The Times is a luxury; an enter- distant. prising general shopkeeper procures an oceasional copy of Punch, which he permits to be read in his shop at a halfpenny a head, finally ing it, munificently, to the Mayor and Corporation of the Town. The Mayor is the monopolising baker, the Corporation is represented by the aforesaid enterprising general shopuen. The Civil Executive Force consists of one un-intelligent policeman, who is under no sort of control, having refused to take any oaths on conscientious principles ; he is on and off duty all day and night, taking turn and turn about with himself. The inhabitants chiefly get a livelihood either by lying on their backs on the beach, or walking out to the Downs, and then pan ny om again. The Elders of the eople disappear usually at the early age of One hundred. There is a church, and an ndependent chapel. The latter is remarkably Independent, and seldom opens its doors. There are only six houses in any way worthy of the name; numerous thatched cottages; and an ancient hostelrie called The Old Inn. These particulars having been obtained from Suryrmpsr, I decided that this, of all others, must be ; the shopfor Quiet. Through my humble instrumentality,‘I foresaw the future Quiet | Greatness of Winklebeach. Of the means of Conveyance to Winklebeach. Monday, July. Extract from Note Book.—The only traveller alighting at the New Station of Swashborough. Nobody cared about taking my ticket. At length, after some trouble, a deaf old lady was summoned from her tea, boy, who was digging potatoes. “Grandmother,” cried the lad, “here’s ’un wants to give tickutt.” His aged relative received the pasteboard, and was returning to 4 sat oh when | stopped her by asking, “if I could get a conveyance to “Sure,” said she, and straightway gave directions to her grandson, who ran off somewhere or other, and in the course of a quarter-of-an-hour returned with Something or other, which{we will term a vehicle. hackney-coach, because it was a bathing-machine, and it wasn’t a bathing machine, because it was a hackney-coach. In t with my portmanteau, and an uneasy time I had of it over the rough half- roads ; for the hackney-bathing-coach- machine had not been fitted with patent springs, and was unprovided with a cushion. I cheered myself with the inspiring thought, that, at all events, the fnui- sances and annoyances of cockney civilisation had not reached Winklebeach, and, despite the fact of my being unable to remain on the seat for more than two con- secutive minutes at a time, | was happy, idealising FIRST DAY AT WINKLEBEACH. 4°30 p.w.—Arrived at the Old Inn, Winklebeach, facing a beautiful green leading on to the beach. Clear view of the sea. Everything charming. Not a soul about. Boy wants six po gm for driving me. I appeal to landlady. It appears that he is entitled to ask what, he likes, there being a monopoly of fancy bathing coaches in these parts, I pay him. Will I have a room? I will. Facing the sea P all means. er P Certainly, When? Now, or as quickly as possible. ; What can I have? Oh, anything. Good. Then, let’s say . Ob! can’t have lamb. No matter: a leg of mutton. No mutton! No, not to-day, because it’s Monday! What, not a chop? Oh yes, in twenty Such a vehicle! it wasn’t a by a small | 7°30.—Not a soul on the beach, save a few fishermen mending their nets. So pamagynes 8 they smoke while thus employed. Pag vobiscum, ye fishermen: go on mend- ing your nets by all means. Pax ee—I can’t help fancying that I heard an oath. Another, Their con- versation is limited; but seems ta.consist chiefly of oaths, amd objectionable terms of endearment. I shall quit the 8 o’Clock.—In my room! Willhave tea? What should I like? Ob, as usual. They bring two plates full of enormous prawns and ’winkles. commence my report of this quiet place for my oun. “ Winklebeach is the quietest place m——" - strange, there must be img on outside. » front of my window are assembled I should say, e// the inhabitants, mostly | fishermen, fisherboys, various ages and |sizes; some sitting om the low sea-wall, some squatting, }some standing.—bat all, as far as I can gather, talking 'simultameously. I ring forthe handmaid. I am informed that “ there is ing the matter, they are only talking | over the Cricket-mat They always do that.” Oh, do ' Phen I will shi modify my report and say, is, except in one trifling particular, the | quietest” By the way, the Cricket-match was between | the Trade and Gentry. By this light [ cannot distinguish | the Trade from the Gentry; nor does their language ma- | terially assist me to discriminate. | §30.—A great clattering, a shuffling of feet, and a con |fusion of voices in the room under mine. I ring my bell. | Not fire, I hope. Oh dear no, the Cricketers are sitting }down to supper. Do they sit down in this manner every night? Oh no, not every night. Thank you. “ Winkle- |beach is, except in one or two trifling particulars, the | quietest-——” 9°15.—The tinkling of a banjo! It is, there is no doubt about it, it 7s in the room below. Ha! the burden ofa | well-known song arises! Can I believe my ears! “Is the Pretty Polly Perkins of Paddington Green.” Chorus everybody trying to mark time with their thick-soled clumsy feet, each man according to his own idea. “She’s as beautiful,” &c. I ring my Does this go on every lnight? No, this does zof; man with banjo is a visitor. That’s lucky; dropped in by accident, eh? Oh no, he generally comes on a Cricket-match evening. Oh! thank you. “ Winklebeach is, except on Cricket-matech evenings, when the man with the banjo comes, the quietest” | 10.—Somebody has taken to sing sentimental songs, | with much chorus. As the night advances, the songs | seem to be all chorus. Some rustic is trying 4és hand on f= ie I shall go to bed. The wind begun to owl. la quarrel } . | ee 10°30.— Cricketing Party breaking up. Rain. Cricketing party very noisy. il, I should say, judging from the ees at, my window. Stones, asI live! Small stones. rash! I look out; and am jeered at, perhaps — mis- ereant with banjo. Feet scuttling away in all directions. An Englishman’s room is his castle. What a cold I shall have to-morrow. L {light a candle to write this, and go to . _ How the wind has got up; that reminds me, so ver E: Bo — = line more, “ —e is, = | the exception of cricketing, supper-parties, and banjos, the quietest—-—” Puff! Candle out. Ped, (End of First Day at Winklebeach.) Mr. Trevor’s Morro.—Where there ’s a Will there’s a way to worry.

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wr ey Or°F CO her ts WMS Aveust 27, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 83 PICTORIAL ADVERTISEMENTS. A Great Le grey told us (and fave knew it reg eg om sy are noways obliged), there is nothing like appealing e Eye, if you wish to 2 ne Brel gy The remark has not the least bearing on what we are going to say, inasmuch as printing spent to the eye, as well as engraving; but the man who neglects to show that he has besn classically edueased, is unworthy the name of a scholar With this exordium (another scholastic expression), we beg attention to the following specimen of a new style of advertising. In of hurry and scramble mo appeal can be too , and — this new means of attracting attention deci worthy of Warts Evening Employment after 6 o’dlock .—Active, C and Por Testimonials, apply -Kin R. LIFTER begs to inform his = fore ae M friends, that his present Address is Portland, Hampshire, Care of the Governor. to the Two Gents (who insulted y will kindly send address, — SP. AY one finding the above is earnestly requested to Keep it. ;|no harm was HOW TO KNOW WHEN PARLIAMENT IS UP. Report of an Accident during the Session. On Tuesday night, at half-past Eight, one of the engines on the new portion of the Great Southern and Northern Railway ran away, and dashing through the wall of the bridge over Squitterton Street, Clerken- well, fell into the street. Happily no one was passing at the time, so done beyond the destruction of engine, and of a cos- s Report of an Accident after the Session. It would be late in the day to dilate upon the advantages which y has derived from the invention of our System, and we confess that we hail every extension of that system what we hope is not an unreasonable pleasure. At the same time the most fervent admirers of the Railway must admit that there are some drawbacks which, though they cannot be regarded as i upon a noble invention, are not unfrequently productive of serious mischief. For- fosters of 2 poiaial chananben, beat it ie fepeeritionst: fo fol that no a is impossible mot to feel tha we have now to narrate. The exception, and t ning: such an exception m the case of the line i little discrepancy | accident eceurred, some t eight, Pw., and others | nine, but this ~ be in some the populati Squitterton | essential to carry an unim- | peachable chronometer, and is content to | depend for a general knowledge elocks which form | part of the furniture of the a. and which not uncommonly | vary to an appreciable extent. But about the time im question, the | bour: was thrown into a state of extraordinary excitement by | the news that a Railway Accident had occurred. At first it was | rumoured that the Birmingham express train, with all its travellers, | had been precipitated into the street, but on recollection that the | | Birmingham trains do not travel by the new line, this idea was dis- | missed, and the population hastened to discover for itself what was the | nature of the calamity. It was at once seen that a ificent engine, the name of which we were unable to detest, owing to the peculiar wa; in which it had fallen, had been eliminated from its proper where, an had plunged into the street below. Beneath it, and happily its only victims, were a large number of herrings and apples, the property of one James SNoGemN, a costermonger {; a native we believe of Bat- tersea or Chelsea) who had retired for a few moments of refreshment to the nearest public house, the and Tinder-box, kept by a respected dlord, Mz. Doxsss, who is a iber to the Lice Victuallers’ Asylum, and the other charities of that admirable body. The of the poor man at the destruction of his stock in trade excited much sympathy, and a subscription, headed by a few choice spirits who are in the habit of using the Carp and Tinder-box, was commenced for him at the instance of the worthy host. We have at present no further part: of public interest, for the station-master declined to furnish us with any opinion of his own as to the proximate cause of the accident, and the porters and workmen may be excused by the excitement of hour. and the necessities of exertion, for the pag incivility which referred us to the most objectionable sources for information. We may add, however, that several of the inhabitants had been heard to say that the bridge did not look strong enough to bear the weight that constant! passed over it, and Rowe this remark did not apply to the wall, whic alone gave way, it will no doubt have due consideration when the sear investigation, which will of course be demanded, shall take place. Should we obtain any further particulars, they shall be published. Latest Particulars, We have still failed to obtain the name of the engine, owing to the extreme reluctance of the Railway officials to afford any information ; but a person named StoccER, who is engaged in the occupation of f crossing-sweeper near the spot, believes that it was something at events beginning with an “¥',” probably the Fly or the Phantom, Yankee Overture to the South. Bux. sold me arms and ammunition, and he sold you ships; he helped you some and me some, but neither as much as we wanted ; he has mortally offended us both, and now let us unite and pitch into him.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL {Avucusr 27, 1864, A LITTLE FAMILY BREEZE. Mrs. T. “ Waat a WRETCH YOU MUST BE, T.; WHY DON’T YoU I sHatt BE DrownpEp!” TAKE ME OFF? Don’t you sEE I’M OVERTOOK WITH THE TIDE, AND T. “ WELL, THEN—WILL YOU PROMISE NOT TO Kick uP sucH A Row WHEN I stop our Late or a Saturpay?” PREMATURE SMOKING. Like many other profound thinkers, Mr. Punch is fond of smoking, and he naturally entertains a sympathy for smokers. To have his sympathy, however, smokers must smoke sensibly, and not commit excesses. Mr. Punch likes moderate drinking, but he hates to see men drunk ; and he peers immoderate smokers as only a shade less to be despised by him than drunkards. Smoking prematurely is, to Mr. Punch’s excess, and the one which moves in him most hatred and disgust. Sane ear is a selfish snobbish practice, and it is matter for regret that there are not more means to stop it. Clearly it is nonsense to pretend that boys can really have a need or liking for tobacco, or be a whit the better or the happier for using it. Boys ag greene smoke do so not because they like it, but because they think it manly to be seen able to smoke. Such smokers are, in fact, mean silly little snobs, and all right-minded people justly hold them in contempt. Nature does her best to act as their tobacco-stopper;fbut by practice they acquire the power to smoke without being e sick by it, and, this done, they delude themselves by fancying that tobacco has become a vital need to them, and when they smoke they try to think they really relish it. This however is sheer nonsense, for the true taste for tobacco comes alone with age, like the appetite for turtle, and is not to be as d by those who prematurely seek it. oreover, boys who take to smoking have not the sense to put due bounds on their indulgence, and they are apt to smoke at times when it does them the most injury, and is to others the worst nuisance. Unable to control themselves, they smoke in business hours and in poing to their business; and when going out to dinner they take a urtive pipe, and even come into a drawing-room with coats that stink of stale tobacco: Now, tobacco is a good thing, and good things ought not to be wasted. Smoking prematurely is a worse than waste, for it annoys people about him and only harms the smoker. One cannot well doubt this, if one but sees the pimply cheeks and tallowy complexions thinking, the worst form of | be | of the young short-pipe-sucking fools who meet us everywhere. Every whiff they take but helps to blow their brains out, and puts out of tune their organs of digestion. Few men can smoke early in | the ~ without its hurting them, and any boy who does so must y assuredly be weakened both in body and in mind by it. A boy (which word applies to all youths under twenty) who goes to business daily with a pipe between bis teeth has put an enemy into his mouth that will steal away his brains, and it is well that his employer should | warned against the robbery. Smoking prematurely is a habit as | injurious as taking early morning drams, or drinking port wine before | dinner; and as the evil has increased to really serious dimensions, ag ye may be excused for making serious remarks, and not making | a joke of it. CHEMIN DE FER ET DE L’ENFER. Tue Northern Spanish Railway has been opened, and inaugurated by the personage who is denominated Kine or Spain. No end of priests attended, to bless the engines. The boilers are to contain nothing but holy water. A first-class carriage has been fitted up as a confessional, in case of accidents. The line is to be managed onl by Spiritual Directors. The time-table is headed Hora pro nobis. The rst bushel of coals was doubly consecrated, being some that remained over from the last auto da fo Nothing can be more orthodox than the whole affair. And yet—and yet. One end of the line is in devout Madrid, but where is the other? Alas, in Voltairean Paris. Which way will flow the oy current of thought? We fear that the Priests should | have -_ up the Pyrenees. There are none now, but revolutions are | repeated, and we may live to see the Mountain in Madrid. American Mixine News.—Grant’s new Mine has been opened. Nevertheless, gold is still at 2593.

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| AveusT 27, 1864.] a PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 4 87 meats omen 2. 3. 4, P OB.. o 7. What Sove: ss ae yotsign Degen oo an id out, of his property, and his creditors are thereby reduced to | Peceay why are hters legally bound to pay the amount when we HH: BF S p> 2 oe pep } ie - oo B the . Should you tae liked Jane Eyre fo . State the hi iatoey of of the Lee: and progress of the love of Julia Dodd . Write out Mr: . What proof have we that had the Corsair reformed and settled in England wit EXAMINATIONS FOR LADIES. HE success of the Examinations which have lately been instituted, under Universit authority, for the ’s male subjects, has induced e adoption of a system of Ex- peo th for Ladies. Particu- lars will shortly be announced, and in the meantime the first portion of the Questions has been issued, that ladies may direct their attention to the necessary studies. The following are the first four instalments :— LAW. 1. Give a general idea of the Laws and Courts of Justice, from the knowledge of them which you have’acquired by reading the books of lady-novelists. are baronets boyy are. criminals tried before, the Lord Chancellor and a jury ? State the reason why an entailed estate goes to the daughters if the marriage settlement is burned or mislaid. Give an account of the law of wills, and why the courts hold that a regularly witnessed and +s op will must be set aside by an unwitnessed nage if on oops Why is a marriage void if the ala oy any one of the witnesses is| t wrong in the copy of the certificate ? . Ww ea petition the m to set aside a marriage, why must dN pam Ps iew with Her Majesty, and who pays Ine foc to the Lord Chamberlain? practice of signing death-warrants in| . If a witness of a murder cannot ethene the trial, will it do for him | pk — word by wy te e saw _ crime, or must he a letter, a clergyman When the Chief Justice aon a decree in Chancery for committing | a virtuous omer to gaol, on. the request of a Chee oo country | magistrate, and a chivalrous young attorney pleads the case of me victim before Convocation, can the coroner refuse to take | | Pp Ifa wicked man declares in his-will that none of his.debts shall be | ey marry rich husbands ? Why cannot a,murderer apnoea ad the law if the victim charges | every one to heap the assassin | FICTION. yap. lvanhon and what Bom: his chances. of matrimonial | characters Front de Boeuf and Simon Legree. account of mory. What were Mes Larmes? | intimate friends of Mr. Lovelace, and the relations of | we,. in the escape of Monte Christo from the Chateau d’If. is the advantage of having such ears as those of the real “ ‘Transformation ?” iculars of the educational system pursued by Mr. and consider Lily Dale ought to marry do you pronounce hae hi Christian name of "Psistratus Caxton, an Tn what way did Lad Audley s husband get out of the well, and was that lady juste in a him in? . in Nicholas ickleby, ‘ ‘his owls was horgans.” ra sister? ieee i i fal 4.9.32 are ae for Bl hero o 3. & lain ao monains 5 in saying that most ater have no on ers at all, and : Tom whet saben did be uote? . - . he incongruities, if any, in the following ‘oon =. a thea- ee ep ’ * eer ae whew hopes St yout aeaieiiitans taeda That Drake and Wickliffe both weré proud to wear, And take the loud from British , As Cato died. Trajan’s column stands.” 5. Explain the mystery of Christabel. 6. What were the chief rng: in the moral e of Mokanna, and how would rae have endeavoured, t@ cure had you been 7 Whe oon Went orth, when did he opahe live; and write, if 7. was w wri can, a line from his or her poems. ie a 8. Who wrote the sanheg “ There is no woman, where there’s. ne@ Reserve.” 9. Skeich the history of Evangeline you do not enna it a er pertiyr hay t reper at ae ths bls Ps without cognition of 10, What final fate did Lord Byron intend ae = Juan, and would it = hoe Soe been shocking js see him the National Window ? xplain this 11. How a ee make a face when the book was given you as a POLITICS. 3 Con | by argument, why we are right im giving the House of Lords the sole right of laying on taxes. . When the Lord Chancellor of the Exchequer “ opens his budget,” jo Bota 5 PNOk oe a red Gar . How does the Queen make laws forthe nation when the Parliament is not sitting ? why the bishops attend the House of men and whether it is their to confirm Acts of Parliamen So - o 5. Are petitions th the same thing as laws, or when petitions ceneatagad 6. Deceit the eae rece Parliament, and say whet 5. Deseri e system of voting in say_ whether vulgar men hw do not sound their aitehes to have the one right to be heard as refined gentlemen from College, or nobiemen, be | On what principle o LF gris is a Member of Parliament obliged to hold his tongue while another is waking impertinently, and is not the loss of English prestige on What ie aoe enlaian ol hn. carten tibiae a aaeiialibdieid 8, at is your opinion of the sy WS a like Lord Palmerston or Lord Derby, to be greens. by any one 4 creature that may have bribed a mob to let him be a em r? 9. Do you see any reason why all the taxes should not be done away, and the money paid out of the income of the nation ? 10. Is it your oraon that all the laws should be made short and plain, and hung up in eh — the Commandments, as then there never could be any mis 11. Why should not the QuEEN, who is the head of all tings ot pon all bad laws, and let Sur Caantes Pures publish in letters to the Times? Would not this prevent all alison nonsense ? RECIPROCITY ON ONE SIDE. We had not noticed the heading of the pant the Telegraph when giving way to our first b kindliness and benevolence of the advertisers :-— 0 family of their own A Lady and Gentleman having n would take a CHILD from its BIRTH, or from that to three months old, and bring it up *dtirely as their own. —Ad , &e. We had begun a mental survey of the households of our friends, gad were considering to what over-stocked establishment, we vawee enclose advertisement in of admiration at the isd oeee generally the contents of the pages you skipped in Les! the invitation, when our eye darted up to the-first line, and we beheld ie and sive an aecount of the various changes in the! word, and something else. t since the first revolution. ye re , the characters of the best-looking novelists of the day. rieeaeni , and say whether the —— ought to ned taken t a advice of the young hh Medora, she would have made good Cup in hot weather P We saw, this :— OR £100. Well, this would be cheap if the te asain A precious boy costs a precious more than eiGOtbefore you have have done with him. But as the sale of an L~ ae aoe t in the way of a wl -life marriage) is not of Ragland and ao, whe n the pees had been si ta aby Paseck ag Ora aeeeiae we paral they might send it reso ved, on second thoughts, to hr te the civelanent as a curiosity for the readers of Punch, the Continent owing to this |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 27, 1864, TOMKINS LOOKING TOO LONG aT THE CARTES DE VISITE OF THE LAWYERS - “Don’t BE ALARMED, My Boy,” sald HIS FRIEND WIGSBY, WHO HAPPENED TO BE PASSING AT THE TIME, “Your CoAT PocKETS ARE QUITE SAFE; WE DON’T DO IT THAT way!” Cuancery Lanz, IS SEIZED WITH A SUDDEN INVOLUNTARY PANIC. | DANNLE! GRANGE ON THE DROUGHT. This here long drought ? ere f The larned coat Gepieain: Knows no more why, Nor you and I, Why we doan’t ha’ no raain. If this here hate Wun’t hurt the whate, The turmuts ’twool destroy. Canst thee vorecast How long ’twool last, Hey, ApMrraL Virzroy ? Yaa, ZADKIEL! Dost thee voretell Plags, earthquaaks, vamuns, wars, ~ And coosn’t thee, Old chap, vorezee This weather by the stars ? I shan’t rely On thee, not I, In futur as avoor ; Nor gie no heed, Nor vaith, nor creed, To that are Vransus Moore. Though none can zay How many a day This drought is to extend, be a go’n To cause my own Immadiately to end. Earth cracks wi’ thirst, I’ll quench mine vurst. The fields be parched and zere ; Whilst this here flesh Keeps miste and vresh : Gie us a quart o’ beer! INTERESTING FOR THE Facutty.—A Lady, who has latel suffered from pins and needles in her feet, has been dhllest to leave England in a packet. A VERY STRONG PRINCE. We always regarded the Napoleon family as mentally if not physicall strong, but information which we have just received from are. i which is published in the North British Daily Mail of the 17th of August (we give the date for the benefit of M. Tarers, or any other historian of the Napoleonic dynasty), shows that one member at least of the dist Corsican y_ is possessed of personal strength which would make him very formidable in battle, did his tendencies lead him into such a scene. The Mai? says, in its account of Princz Napoxzon’s visit to the Scottish capital (yes, Mrs. Epra, the Scottish capital, and how do you like that ?) “‘ The utmost privacy has been observed in all the movements of his Royal High- ness, insomuch so that he preferred lifting a cab on the stand, in preference to sending out for it.” Achilles, we believe, was too much for a rival who had three tre- mendous horses harnessed to his car. Water Scorr tells us of a Scottish knight, who at a blow divided an English knight, horse and all, into two instalments. In Morgante Maggiore we read how the friendly giant carried his dead horse to Orlando. But none of these feats equal the deed of the Samsonic Prixce Naponeon, and his cousin may be congratulated on the vast strength of the Atlas who aids in upholding the Imperial throne. JARS. NAGGLETONIAN Couples should immediately provide themselves with (COVERS for FAMILY JARS, or Jars and Covers complete, for Pre- serves, Pickles, &c. Sample cap sent free for four stamps. Those Neapiatons, whom this advertisement offends, had better send for the Sample Cap: it is sure to fit. Licut RerresHine Wive ror Pepestrians.—La-htte, A PUZZLE BY A PARSON. Herz is an announcement which is constantly perplexing us :— UJ NMANAGEABLE BOYS, or Youths (up to 20 years), made perfectly tractable and gentlemanly, in one year, by a clergyman, near town, of 30 years’ experience, whose peculiarly pe ive, high moral and ious trai at onee elevates children of peculiar tempers and ition use not understood) to the level of others. A most liberal education, inch modern » Suc- cessful preparation for every examination and vocation in life, and every gentle- manly comfort, on moderate terms. Address, for interview, &c. By starvation and severity a boy may be made “tractable,” doubtless, in a twelvemonth ; but how can it be predicted with anything like cer- tainty that he will be made “ gentlemanly” in that restricted time. Of course, religious training may do much good toa boy, but if his dis- position is to be a snob, or sneak, or scoundrel, we scarcely think a twelvemonth would suffice to make him gentlemanly, in the right sense of that word. Gentlemen unluckily do not spring up like mushrooms : and, in minds quite unprepared for them, truly gentlemanly qualities are not of rapid growth. e are told there are born gentlemen, and there doubtless are born blackguards, and to make one of these latter a gentleman in a twelvemonth, is more than forty parson power would be able to effect. Quite Pat. Unver the heading of The Belfast Riots, the other day, there was a letter in the Standard signed “O Morzs,” animadverting on one which had before appeared in that journal with the subscription of “O Tzm- rors.” From the temper displayed in these communications, as well as from the subject to which they relate, it may be surmised that their respective authors might, consulting aptitude, have penned their sig- natures with the least taste of a modification. They should have written themselves down O’T'zmpora, and O’Morzs., For Tourists.—There is one shore which most ‘travellers seek_at this time of year. And that shore? is— Brad-shaw,”

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Aveusr 27, 1864] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 89 ‘ZOOLOGICAL RECREATION. ontHy Mr. Puncu, Tue interest excited by the late swimmin; rapper suggests a season- able question for zoologists. Let me revive the con- troversy about Man’s place in Nature, which has ie time, by ack iy - ing that question ; which perhaps ProressoR OWEN or PROFESSOR Huxizy will an- swer. You know, Sir, that animals are distinguished from | man not only by| deficiencies but also endowments ; as well by the pos- session of instinct | as by the want of reason. I think all quad- swim natu- L, no men do. Now I want to know whether tae quadrumana swim naturally. The question I wish to ask anybody who can answer it is, “ Do monkeys swim?” _ This point, if is any doubt about it, might easily be settled in the Zoological Gardens, by tossing the orang-outang imto the hippo- potamus’s tank. Or an Italian organ-grinder’s monkey might be put to the proof, and his master, too ; for if an orang-outang is what you call an anthropoid ape, an Italian organ-grinder is what you may a pithecoid man, and he is a body such as the proverb recommends for experimental purposes, and a ducking would clean him. Jocko and ‘Giacomo, or he pore ee grinning : —_ may call pes mn to be sure, yom tingly like; ye ope there is an essent erence between Simia and - omo, P.S. I have, pe too hastily assumed that mankind does not ‘swim naturally. De eben swim? Iam not a papa, and few athew are philosophical; but no doubt you could get many a wet nurse, heving, He care of a lady’s infant, to determine this inquiry for you in a BLACK LETTER LITERATURE. Tue Emperor or Eruiopia, the French, has made a marriage offer to the QUEEN oF Exctaxd. Confound his Abyssinian impudence ! We wonder he has not sent Ethiopian Serenaders to declare his regard under Windsor windows, but paiens he has heard of Bass’s Act. We feel loyally frantic at his b cheekiness, and can only say that whether an Ethiopian can —p his skin or not, His M esty would certainly want a new one very s Same Punch had got “behind him with a hippopotamus whip. Black King moving towards White Queen ' dangerous game for him, though not a Mate. We demand a copy of Eary Russe1’s answer, al that he has not, to show his geo- graphical knowledge, put in a joke about Che Sahara, Sahara. na a an Ethiop _—, ed vapees, Wocmnans ee be naan. The is gone, we see, to urn is, but must neither rest therein nor be thankfal until we have seen his letter. Bravo, Grouse ! , Tue latest intelligence concerning the Shooting Season in Cornwall is that “‘ The birds are strong on the oo som Strong? are they ! Then they decidedly should not be — any longer. Hampers of game may gg Ang directed to our own Private Inquiry Office, 85, Fleet Street, e strictest secresy may be relied on. Morto ror “Tue CRICKETER’ A « » st Blind ase Bat.” $s Guipz.”—A “Dark” Saying. THE ANTI-RAILWAY ASSAULT AND ROBBERY GUARANTEE COMPANY. Chairman. THE CHEVALIER CLAUDE DUVAL, Knight of the most noble order of the Fleece. Vice-Chairman. RICHARD TURPIN, Esq., Rookwood Hall. Directors. CAPTAIN MACHEATGS, Portland Bill, Dorsetshire (late Chairman of the Beggar's Opera Company Limited). JOB PEACHUM, Esg., Oakhum House, Milbank. SOLOMON LOCKIT, Esq., The Retreat, Brixton. PETER FILCH, Esq., Grindwind Lodge, Coldbath Fields. JEREMIAH ABERSHAW, Esq., Cracksman’s Hotel, Old Bailey. With power to add to their number. Standing Counsel. JONATHAN WILD, Esq.,* Q.C., Stomejug Chambers, Caledonian Road. Secretary. MR. JOHN SHEPPARD, The Jollypals, Fakeaway. Gankers. MESSRS. BLACK LEG & Co. Temporary Orrices:—FAGIN’S CULINARY STORES, Baldwin's Gardens. Iy an age pre-eminently distinguished by commercial ise, it is somewhat remarkable that an orpenisation similar to ey ns by the “ Anti-Railway Assault and Guarantee » should Company, have met with . It is now t combine tn: ame grand Joint Sack wera 5B Epes eg British Banks or Heath have bithe for their predatory powers. The aya mee aoe hesitated to Our non- vernment 1 firmly deelines , to employ for its own advantage, the faculties of felony, even when they have successfully passed a penal examination, and secured those much. | coveted diplomas, popularly known as tickets-of-leave. Under these circumstances the formation of a Company has become with the noble- man and gentlemen whose names are attached to this Prospectus, a matter of paramount necessity, while it supplies a desideratum which has long been secretly felt by all who love;their specie. = — Respect for those conservative fe which shrink instinctively from innovation, impels us to make one simple but important remark. The honourable custom of black-mail to which in feudal times the border barons occasionally lent a helping hand, affords a precedent for this institution, and denotes the principle on which it is , : The Anti-Railway Assault and Robbery Guarantee Company will grant, according to a uated scale regulated by the nervousness of uct to all parts of the United Kingdom—Ireland excepted. the insurer, a safe An ornamental card, embodying the Policy of Insurance, worn on the hat or mantle, will entitle the bearer, whether lady or gentleman, to the respectful forbearance and chivalrous protection of the company’s agents on any specified Railway, and at all hours of the t. Li properly belonging to Insurers, and taken by the Company’s Agents ocodl inadvertence, will be restored within forty-eight hours after written application to the Secretary. __ j RS. Ladies publicly exposing their es will vacate their policies unless at the time of granting the same, such extraordinary risk shall be duly paid for and provided. : No loss occasioned by skirt-pockets will be 1 payment of a premium proportioned to the facilities q Convivial gentlemen returning from City Dinners, can‘insure for a single journey at very moderate premiums. da Members of Parliament, Fellows from the Universities and the Stock Exchange, desirous of witnessing the noble art of self-defence, as illus- trated in a contest for the championship, may insure in this office to a limited extent against insult and spoliation. The Company will, how- ever, under no circumstances insure the retention by its owner of any ring valued at more than five s sterling. eh f Special Policies granted to muscular Divines, securing immunity from ecchymosis of the eye, or a broken nose. Z Clubs liberally treated with. Twenty per cent. discount allowed to Members of the Carlton, in token of their warlike spirit and recent zeal for the National honour. | ] 5 ! N.B. The Shareholders in this Company will be gratified to learn that the Directors of all the Great Lines have unanimously resolved not to open any communication between inne and , or to sanction any other precaution which might detrimental to the interests of the Anti-Railway Assault and Robbery Guarantee Company. * Quarrelsome Convict. ised, except on

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ees os JOLLY ANGLERS. Ox~p Froat aND Tom GENTLE Don't GET ANY Bires, so THEY LAND ON AN ISLAND TO HAVE A QUIET SMOKE.—THEY SUDDENLY DISCOVER THAT THE ROPE HAS SLIPPED, AND THE BoaT IS DRIFTING DOWN THE River! (No one near for miles.) VARIETY ! A Hanp,time of it must be the lot of the Fashionable Reporter to the Lonkoonmeee tien Gazette.., To. make the Arrival, List :pleasing to the eye and ear requires such a delicacy in discrimination, and so reat a refinement of. ion “as "to présent ‘a ‘task of no ordinary ifficulty, even» to, the ted’and practised hand engaged upon the column of interesting and exciting news. . The urn is hissing; theprawns are blushing on a blue crockery ground, and the -Lady of the House -wonders. whether the So-and-sos have arrived yet. ..No sooner is the wish expressed:than a member of the family takes up from its resting-place. by his plate, tle neatly folded Gazette, and p. into’ the Chronicle of Fashion. “ Prince SuLKorr has arrived at the Grand Hotel.” No particular interest is;exhibited, but all feel more or less satisfied at being in the same town, it. may be under the same.roof, with his Russian Royalty. Now, please,keep your eye on the italicised variety. “Count Bapasany has arrived at.the(\Bedford Hotel.” “Lory Newies is ameng the arrivals at the Albion.” Mind you, this seems rather derogatory to the .Newic’s dignity, He’s only among the arrivals ; one who might have come with a lot of anybodies ‘and nobodies in- a omnibus, ‘and ‘have been left to — about the Coffee-room;'patronised’ by the waiters, unrecognised yall. oP “The Dowacer Lapy Copp eton is sojourning at the Oldfolk Hotel.” There ’s something very patriarchal about this word “sojourning.” It conveys to my i the idea of Her Dowagership going about grandly somehow or other, in a tent, like Apranam. That the Oldfolk Hotel wouldn’t allow Tents as'a rule, I am scarcely ina position to affirm, not having “ sojourned” there myself; but .of course the ancient Lady is entitled to her whim when she pays for it. Here is a startler :-— “Sir Tuomas Stavincton Cokewoop Burnineton Gace is daily expected at Prce’s, Royal York.” : #6 5 _ Poor Pece! Fancy the excitement. Pzee’s upper chambermaids, like anxious Sister Annes taking :turn and turn ‘about on the loftiest pinnacle of: the Royal York (if there be pinnacles, if not, say on the roof), craning towards the four points of the ‘Compass alternately, in daily, hourly, expectation of the coming of Sir THomas ‘Sravineron, &c., &c., &c. And when he does come, there will be a stirring of Pace’s. But will Pecc be happier ? “ CoLonEL and Mrs. BAWLDERO are staying at Artillery Lodge.” Bang! Bang! Sound the tampets, beat the drums, while CoLtonEL and Mrs. BAwLDERO give each other a morning salute in the presence of the prawns. ‘Mrs. Hammonp has returned to her residence. Mr. H.” (Who ‘she? CuariEs Lams's Mr. H? Mysterious this !) “‘and Miss CaawLey are at German Place. Count Goavisky is still at Victoria Lodge.” Poor Count! he can’t be well. ; Now the writer forgets, repeats himself, and fails :— *‘Lapy Jounson is prolonging her stay at Marine Parade. ** Mrs. Tuompson is prolonging her stay at the Bedford Hotel.” Oh dear! Two ladies prolonging their stays! Consult the book in ~ Hall, oh Fashionable Reporter, but respect the privacy of the oilette. , ‘ One for Him. Reapine the paper,LavuRa sat: ** Greenwich mean time, Mamma, whats that ?” ** My love, it’s when your stingy Par Won’t take us to the Trafalgar” MARITIME LAW. To be “ Mast-headed,” is, according to the rules of the Service observed; on board a Man-of-War, to be treated with the utmost | rigger. Printed by William Whitefriara, City of London.—Satuapar, August 27, 1964. of Middlese: Bradbury, of No. 13, U) Woburn im the Parish of &t. P: the Count; a Frederick Mullett E of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of Gf Landon, Printers, at their Ofses im Lomabard Stzests tn the Precinct of Whisetrisce, Cy of Loaded Poe eed oy Hees Tie heer Pena ‘oc btgbeides Clty

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SepreMBer 3, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 91 FROM OUR ILL-USED CONTRIBUTOR. To Mr. Punch, The Temple. 1R;—I_ consider myself an ill-used man. I am aware that. ill- used men are & unpopular, but I do not care about popu- ight to be far away, like all the rest of your youn men, and as goo conduct is no longer to be reckoned in regard to the re- mission of a sentence, I trust I am too faith- ful a Protestant to attempt any works of supererogation. I shall stay in town, and I shall write, “since better may not be,” but you need not look for any of that loyal and our interest. to take a general view , as the old lawyers say, , as more descriptive of my is nothing going on; éxcept the temmarhind, find I have. not dissented from the le i sy the tasy flow of Appis0n with the Ms) \\ 1 a. 4% the by i/ ny i) gushing zeal which I display at Other times in You instruct me “to re l of what is going on.” Dolus but for the first word resent state of mind. hames Embankment. You have i er propositions, that my vigour of Macaunay, and with the pregnant with the wit of Sypwzy Smrtu, ARLYLE; While it8 undercurrent of ou of LoncreLiow and Tennyson. Or if you have not exactly said that, critics say it everyday of any author they are told to puff, and I deserve such tion quite as much as an . But, Sir, charming as my style may be, it will be ruined by such work as that to which you .have so inconsiderately doomed me. . . London would be a howling wilderness, if there were anybody left in it to howl. Forty-eight hours have elapsed since I have spoken to an: human being except my cook (the housemaid is visiting at Ramsgate and the waiter at the Club, who is sulky. because other waiters are paving her, and he believes—and I hope—that he wi : ) philosophy is redolent ol Torcent and its poetic proclivities remind their holiday in fine weat! have wet an I am losing the of speech. I misapply words, I spoke civilly to a cabman on Tuesday, though the brute put me down two doors further than the house I wanted. I said to that sulky waiter, “ Oblige'me with some bread,” and he had the impudence to think that I was going to be facetious with him. I promptly cured him of that idea when he proceeded to forget the French mustard, but you see the state to which solitude has reduced me. I am getting nervous, too, and when my cabman was lashing his horse and tearing up a street covered all over with heedless children, I was weak enough to shut my eyes, and very nearly told him to drive more slowly. You are responsible for debilitating the finest intellect in your service. Where am I togot Nearly every theatre is shut. I have seen the Ticket-of-Leave Man until 1 could prompt without book. I went so often to that witty and enchanting entertainment, Zhe Pyramid, that Mr. Rezp believed I wanted to steal his lovely bull-dog. Atrrep Mez.1ow has given me nine boxes for his Concerts, which are the best things in the world, but I am horribly afraid he thinks that I sell them, k the demand for them—this is a good puff, but it is deserved. I know Masks and by heart; besides, that heart is on the waters with Leah, and the t without her makes me pensive. Mr. Vintne’s house on fire excites me too much to leave me a tranquil enjoyment of my Welsh rabbit at Pappy Green’s, and Mz. Gasen himself, though he ad me in the words of some song, “J have always a Welcome Sor Thee,” evidently imagines that I am in town, at such a time, for no purpose. Besides, you do not pay me a large (if inadequate) salary to write about theatres and mutton chops. , ; y, a few nights the Club was crowded, that is for the time of year. There were four men in it, including your Ill-used Con- tributor. There was Bertre Waxroue(O, I shall print names or any- thing else, I am in no humour to be making anagrams, though by the way I might have called him Dirty Reppoxe, as some of his intimate friends do) and he told me that he had come to town to consult an oculist, playful retort you will have quickness enough to imagine, but he declared that it was no¢ all my Eye, but his, and he was savage at a second epigram which I launched in reference to a certain greenness which I s ted that the operator had better remove. Oculist! I know why he came up. My lawyers are his lawyers, and though soli- citors never betray professional confidence, one can’t help seeing papers when they lie under your very proboscis or nose. Mr. JEHOSHAPHAT, of the Hebrew persuasion, has a knack of recalling some of his friends to town, just when they least want to come. As Bertie chose to try to mystify me, perhaps I didn’t lead the conversation into Jewry, and make him fidget in his chair, in spite of his tenpenny cigar, the extra- vagant beast. Then the next quarter of the party was Tep CLEVELAND. He was perfectly miserable. He cannot get away at all, his partners being off, but he did not caré about that much while he knew that Miss Manta (née-never mind) was safe at her unclethe parson’s, inthe country village with about nine she-cousins arid a hobbadehoy. But ra and the eldest Miss Concorpance have been invited to the Larches, and Mrs. Frrcons has always three or four Guards, or Treasury men, or some such awful swells pervading the house. Tsp somehow managed to let his misery out, and Bertie and I ran the — like men. We looked at our watches, and told him that Cuarney Stratton, the handsomest chap in the 119th, must just then be taking Mana in to dinner; and later we pointed out that Cuarney, who has a wonderful mumble just above a whisper, which he has artistically cultivated, must be having age innings by that time. And we pietiréd a pic-nic among the rocks y the cascade, an AR. ith reviaiel crinoline, helping Cuarxey to boil the kettle, which iié&tly made poor Teppy boil over with jealousy and rage. The best of it Was; too; that I knew Cuartey otlan week. we had some little Oasis ih a had left the Larches for Sc pleasure that evening, but what is one desert? And talking was Henry Vamrree. I of that, what is an Oasis ? The other inan Will not staid chaff: found him in the Library, seribbling his hardest; with a lot of books beside him, e apprised me, with much objeétionable but forcible language, that his editor eres are other tyrants beside yourself) had sent him four or five theological works to be aay | reviewed, and he was knocking them off as fast as he could, for he had promised him- self a fortnight’s good gambling at Baden-Baden. To my demand why he did not work in his well-stocked study, he replied that the painters were in it, and he referred to those apathetic mechanics with a strength of adjective and re which showed how earnest his theo- logical reading had made him: [| invited him to join me and Bertie at our humble repast, but he replied savagely that he would neither eat nor drink until he had polished off the everlasting humbug who had written the volumes to which Vampy was doing as much justice as he knew. I have seen the review since, and I am bound to say that the Rev. Carney, D.D., owes small thanks to those paint-pots of Egypt. But Bertre Waxrote has, I suppose, squared it with JEHOSHAPHAT and Trp sulks at home, and Vamrrre has ventilated his theology, an is off to the play-tables of Baden-Baden. At all events, there is nobody in the Club, except the impersonation of discomfort who has the honour to address you. I have notaing to do, nothing to read, no- body to speak to. I work away at the newspapers doggedly, but news- papers, at this aed, are sad and solemn things. One gives me a leader to-day on the Education of the Orphans of Criminals, another on the Drainage of the Outhouses on Farms, and a third on the Law of Patents. Still Iread them, as a prisoner counts the nails in the door of his cell. Then I look out at a window, and see a railway van, and hope it will break down, and a costermonger’s cart, and wish there was a law against his bellowing, and seven empty cabs, crawling, and they remind me of the railway station to which you have forbidden me to drive. Then I look out at another window, but the prospect is not materially varied. Then I go to the desk, and see what is for dinner, and behold very few things, and none that I like, except grouse, which is four shillings, and you know whether I am paid highly enough to afford posee then I go and smoke, and that destroys the little ry T had, and I take sherry and American bitters to bring it back, which it doesn’t. Then I read the evening papers, and they are stupider than the morning ones, and badly dried 5 that: detestable and sulky waiter. Finally, I sit down gloomily to dinner, and take much more wine than I want in order to help on the evening. Lastly, I smoke again, many cigars, but I do not enjoy them, and my mouth is hot, and gin-sling I think makes ou thirstier, nevertheless I take it. Ultimately, I go home in a ansom, and the driver asks me an extra sxyenee cause he has been doing nothing all day. :I give it him because I have been doing nothin all day: in other times I should have told him he ought to be ashame of his idleness, and left him with the repartee instead of the sixpence. But I am demoralised. Then I go into my house, and find two letters from duns who know I am in town, and one from my wife, stating that she and the family are delighted with Scarborough, and that she wants money. Then I go up-stairs to bed, and find all the ts taken away to be cleaned or done some other nonsense with. And I can’t sleep, having had no mental or bodily work, and when I do I dream that I am in a drain and bellowing up the frating to be taken out, and none of the passers-by can hear me. And all this is your doing. ; Nevertheless I remain, with affection and respect, your dutiful Contributor, Ericurus Rorunpvs. VOL, XLVII. L

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SzrremBer 3, 1864, Little Innocent (in an audible little Voice in the middle of the Sermon). “Ma! was THAT THE OnGaN?” [We hope Old Dubbleby will take the hint, and not CREATORS OF RELIGIOUS RIOTS. Time was when the Government of the day found themselves called upon to administer “a heavy blow and a great discouragement to Pro- testantism.” There has again arisen a necessity for the same stroke of policy. Just because the Roman Catholics of Dublin, in the exercise of that freedom to which they are entitled, get up an O’ConneELt de- monstration, the Protestants of Belfast, imagining themselves entitled to a corresponding freedom, must needs get up an anti-O’ConnELL demonstration! They well knew that their Roman-Catholic fellow- citizens cannot stand contradiction, and are sure to return chaff with stones. They know how dangerous it is to vex them; then why do they do it? They go and e a Guy of O’ConnBLL, and, of course, provoke those religious people to assault them with intent to kill them or do them grievous bodily harm. Hence the Belfast riots. Then see what has happened in Jersey. Mr. T. G. Owens, of London, who _ probably may be heard of at Exeter Hall, comes down from the capital of the larger island to that of the smaller, and under- takes to deliver in the Prince of Wales Assembly Rooms, three lectures on “ Bible Truths and Romish Errors.” As if he were not aware that it makes the generality of Roman Catholics very angry to call any of their doctrines erroneous ?_ What was the consequence of Mr. OwEn’s impudent imprudence? Of these lectures, as we learn from a report in a contemporary :— “ The first was delivered on Tuesday evening, and efforts were then made by a number of Catholics to seize the lecturer, whose life they threatened.” _ Their object, of course, was t -ilence the assailant of their opinions in the shortest and most effectual way. The attempts of the Faithful to destroy the Heretic were, however, wapnereiel The bigoted incendiary escaped from them and their pious indignation by a side- entrance to the hall. He was silenced without having been killed. This partial success was sufficienc to quiet the champions of Roman doctrine, for the time during which Ma. Owens was obliged to hold his irritating tongue :— “*On,Wednesday night, however, the part which was played by the mob proved of a most serious character. Soon after seven o'clock a number of Roman Catholics, many of them armed with bludgeons, collected at the door of the Lecture make such an awful noise Blowing his Nose in Church for the future. Hall, and commenced yelling and hooting. They were aided and urged on by between twenty and jane | women of the low Irish class. After creating immense uproar outside, they the windows of the Hall by throwing stones through them, while some of the women yelled ‘ Fire! Fire!’” This gentle violence was emblematical. The windows were smashed, to symbolise heretical darkness. The stones thrown through them were arguments, calculated to beat conviction into Protestant heads ; argu- ments truly suitable to the vindication of the see of Peter, as that name is synonymous with stone, if not exactly with pebble. The bint which the ladies meant to convey in the words which the reporter pleases to say they “yelled,” is obvious. Will it be believed that, not _y were the Roman-Catholic controvertists put down by the police under the direction of the Bailiff (Mr. G. Hamnons) and the Con- stable of the Town (Mz. Joun Gripert), but, on Thursday evening, the parish constable, instructed, no doubt, by his fanatical superiors, took measures to secure the impious Protestant, in his offensive endea- vour to impugn the dogmas of bility in a public lecture-hall, from interruption on the part of their zealous believers ? OweEns, ina lecture on “'Transubstantiation and the Mass,” was actually enabled to state his impertinent objections to those mysteries as freely and openly as a Roman-Catholic, _ or layman, would be allowed to argue that the Church of England is a humbug ! If a law, prohibiting, under sufficiently heavy penalties, all attempt at the disproof of Roman Catholic tenets, existed, it is probable that the Roman-Catholic lower orders would seldom take the law into their own hands. The re-enactment of the statute De Heretico Comburendo, would be tolerably certain_to prevent all such disturbances as those which have taken place in Jersey and Belfast. But though that is not to be hoped for by an oppressed minority, they may perhaps reasonably expect that the Legislature will interpose, to prevent them from being provoked to outrage and violence, by the secondary punishment of penal servitude, adjudged, without mercy, to those who exasperate them by gainsaying them. A Ceremony with a Sanguine View. His Grack THE ARcuBisHor or CanTERBURY, the other day, held a Confirmation of prisoners in the County Gaol at Maidstone. Let us hope that none of them will turn out confirmed rogues.

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_- = SupremBer 3, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. / / Li. VE Y Hy} wh { Ap // Sh 1" TP i a / Yf/; ” LIISA LL ane (| wd (1714 Wy Uh Y {i pnp LL YI Sr / re | /f ie Ljpo “mmre wtt'tla r Uh alle ILIA 4/4772 ree Uh _—— —_ ’ - ey 4 ~ Welt \\ y Wy \te . ‘ hy \ INFLUENCE OF THE RAILWAY ON THE RHINE. Emily. “ Ou, Do Loox HERE, ARTHUR DEAR—svUcH A LOVELY VIEW, AND SOME MORE sUcH BravuTiFUL CasTLEs!” [Arthur gives a prolonged grunt and snore. Iw RE Pusii¢ Scoot Commission. : * APOLOGIA PRO VITA SUA.” NOT BY DR, NEWMAN. Mr. Pouncn, , I ‘Turn to you, Sir, as the friend of the oppressed—the ever nerous apologist for youth’s short-comings—above all, I turn to you, ir, in your omniscience as knowing more, or certainly more knowing than all those Commissioners to whose wise conclusions, as exhibited in their Report on Public Schools, I refuse to defer. I am one of that class, Mr. Punch, who having passed the days, all the days of my boy- hood, at a first Public School, turn out at the end a know-nothing— Anglice, Sir, a fool!—and yet, Sir, being all this (I need not repeat the graphic description. given by the Commissioners), I venture to appeal! to you in apology for my class. I hope to show you that the deil is not so black as those worthies have painted him. I hope to show you, Sir—and through you, thewhole world beside —that I am not so by | useless in my generation. The Commissioners tell you what Iam ot worth, hear me while I strive to show you what I am. Now, Sir, these gentlemen parade against me, that after all these — of education I cannot put a common-place ‘English sentence into ecent Latin. Now, Mr. Punch, 1 beg you to take any one of your own telling, terse paragraphs, an i oe of those gentlemen on either side of the House, or Sir, in either House, to do that passage Ciceroni- cally, and give me the result! Get up, Mr. Bricut; Mr. Cox of Finsbury, up! and apart from whisperings with Messrs. GLADSTONE, ARDWELL, Lows, or a pocket Ainsworth, give us Mr. Punch’s , or if it like you better, “ Liviano,” or more like more Punch still, “Terentiano,” and I bet you twopence to a farthing that you are nowhere. Or, setting aside the Cambridge. aforesaid to! explain 00000’— os put it to the Hon, Members — 0000, XXX =. PP??, and what will you get out them to give in detail as recorded by P iby quidnunes, of ’em? Or, ask oLysIvs, the dialogue of Han. NIBAL and NaPpotEon on the best way of crossing the Alps, with the and particulars of the Marengo and Canne fights, and which com- manded at which, and which was First Consul, Bonararte, or Fasius or Grecory of Nazianzen, and where Nazianzen was, and if it 7s, and see how blank their faces and their papers will be ! ell, Sir, you will say, this is nothing to the i qved. but pardon me, when I say, that it is all to the point; for though these gentlemen don’t know these things, they make (many of them) very decent M.P.’s; and so I, though I don’t know them any more than they do, make in my P hgy ory very often a very useful member of Society. Nay, more, Mr. Punch and a very important more too, which these wiseacres ignore iz ¢oto. After all, I do not come away such a fool as they would make me, for though I may not know who did what in which chapter, or who dragged who round the walls of what—whether it was Brasrpas, or CLEON, or Pompey or Gustavus Vasa, who crossed the Rubicon and took Calais; yet for all this I have read and learned to admire deeds of derring-do, and to imitate acts of courage and heroism, and to despise those which savour of meanness, and cowardice, and blackguardism ; and so when I see my old governor at home, educated as I have been, and no more able to come the scholar than I am, yet honoured by the old poor who don’t go away from his gate unrelieved, and doing his duty Poo people, like a trump that he is, I hope one day to be like him, and live as he fives, and die as he will die, with Hope in his eye, ‘and many a tear-drop on the ores of those who stand by his grave-side. What, good Sir, I should like to ask you, has all his philosophy and Greek done this or that Professor, but to unsettle, may be his own mind, as it has done that of many of his followers ? What good has his history done that man which causes him to mis-believe the highest of all history ? or what good has his arithmetic done that Prelate from over the sea, who has become a subject for Nursery Rhymes, and whose books, as they tell me, are the laughing-stocks of scholars ? Or, again— (but T must shut up, or you’ll reject me) to come nearer home; are our little female cousins and sisters, or those we hope one day to be nearer and dearer still, are they not to be thought of? May we not know how to fake care of them—on the saddle, or the drag, or the boat —or when by their side, is it only in science that we may venture to open our lips? Apropos of these melting moments, is this to be the character of our converse, “ Fair lady, I see you feel this weather, but is it not

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94 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. (Survamcer 3, 1864,

interesting to know that the evolution of heat acon on a slow combustion going on in the organism?” And that profound disciple of a oa , and to does a bulk te “ < 1 wei wha G Mr But [ you have wi and will not throw back the danse of fhe”

QUIET WATERING-PLAGES. SECOND DAY AT WINKLEBEACH. Logg orga Not =e 0

here. tT fancy Use, gat “ean gas and ear to rise,” &c. Bah! re a J of hn tobacco fe rum in the passage : bother the Cricketers and man with banjo. r breakfas * Up betimes,” say I, affably to the maid. Not cane than usual. Oh! I mustn’t mind the clock on the stairs; the works are out of order. To-day it’s five hours behind, “ What will I have for break- fast?” Oh, anything. Very good. Prawns and ’winkles 1] a.m.—Walk out towards the beach. A few Pa sauntering about. After all, this és a quiet place. eet eon Oe tal? “Dear Little child wants to know what time it is. How can I ? Dear me! here’s quite a crowd Bee coming on the — Seah, I’m afraid. No, n enough os excur- sionis jurveyors, inspectors of of breakwahere or fortresses, only a Ans no reek sara or fortresses. I’ve it, they are the a ee et Oe ee e of the party re suddenly take off their shoes an on the be aa Healthy, about, and somebod: most Mee: stockings, and t-. tie, To lounging boatman the Oriek ic. I ask a lounging ie Crick © this eve pe Ad Jounding bostnen inti ” Thon ke Cricketers, them ¢ down, -_ a ‘week for a holiday, from the *sylam.” |», T e phe I quit the * Ay; them’s lunatics “« Winklebeach, with the excep- but eccen- and enter a 7. tion of the Crete the Banjo and the Lunatics, is the quietest—— _2330-—What wil Tar fs dane f What Ihave? Oh, Well er ub, aepears th tas get. isa sot satis- Lie i reaso . of course,” P) liking to 1 jot mutton to-day, Sir, I’m a duck or a fowl. A fowl be it. Note.—“ The provisions at Winklebeach m the The butcher, it rs therefore to wateh the on ma of| the cannon? No, not often; but they rey Gan't ob eat aay # ee pay him to 5 epang Van a Ee icall is a crowd already round bl Weald of Sussex’ t. | Here ’s the Cireus co

from ory are fris. over the —the | r’s quiet green— e be pia te home the tum bling of owns, Blue Beard, Booka ba nd the in per ral, by satieloation. beach, Ad eeod, 25-5 wh =A, ee Sa wy ~ What are those two Pop! ! mm . They take the twopence and an in eit e See Ww a es, I ! I knew it. They saw a gull an should think ab did. ot ‘orm. Lively! Hi Horrid i i there ’s to be artillery practice and The ramparts ? * Yes, I can see the I can, there *s one cannon on them, wi wine a ere and 330. Stanietss take posecess ion of slevaat oben rt ere are six Seunon hen fod wie f re Sees pe en {RR a book. 4°30,—All oe a one 2 to BR. cord Hy Perfect yl Me ae. ar fo be allowed, ei the firing, that I can’t ; } Shall write what—An on Fie all the Winklebeach windows are open, and trade nded. Away! Away! Over the Downs into the Away! Away! 6,—I bare boon been - ht in the es = the Downs, and have returned for dinner The wind has changed, in atm find 1 am right. 8.—After dinner, the Winklebeach Volunteer brass band play on the Green. The o: was better than this. The landlady thinks “they don’t play so bad, considerin’.” Send for the bathing-hackney-machine- coach, 6 *m off. There ain’t no more trains to-night. Houp-la, tchk !/ in; five caravans and another brass band. Inn. The Organ-man has not gone awa -men come in to k, t e d, and all assemble, in the Everyone comes to the old the with Banjo canta the Volunteer band fraternise with the Circus tap-room under my sitting-room, for an orgie. 9'30.—I will avoid them and lie on the beach ii the stilly night. It is no use, out of a are setting up tents, and the hammering is unbearable, eir contediio te smoke and their lamps sme 10°11.—In my room. Hang the prawns! take tae the *winkles! The bands plying in cy room below, talking, g, shouting, ji of and shuffling of bor r ring m five times, and am not attended to, ill oise last bye Ale, Ne not long, most of the assay org re the mark fe are goi So it spect tweaty of then ence” Goth night, B pti in ut twen ey €8 em ILL ! Jm!” beng hee bedroom gS Row up-stairs, some eres NP room Bang bang, scuffle sc egal - fdr ’s the candle!”—* Don’t pny that noise ! ” (This req request is shouted at the of somebody’s voice. * Hallo! 1”—* You’re disturbing Re ouse Jim.”—“ Ha! ha A ia “ Here’s my room,” pees mine aaa a bang beng ae fe "Thank “ Here are our rooms,” apt Piya ra tan throwing the boots out into the tio out in ie passage. Moos tenet Lickin and pride overhead. The s Acro- rae os and are practising for to-morrow. To More jumping and ted have ms the room with the exception of a Banjo, » Circus, its hoa its om ts weekly Cricket Note.—“ Winklebeac owe. , Beire Volunteer one of the quietest-——” hes, its ev convivialities, Out. out, bri stators Gos Chiah uk, salah ap cane, in.nier founded moth that won’t let me go at ro tt aad, Fog Mod 3 tet feccbiig steak Will I ei hah at walk “ enoug oue can gét to sleep.” “Pon he secured under a tumbler. stent; s mnten neds ccentthing peoulise fo Winklebesok,, I Kaye. 2s

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- er tl HB os OR oo Ss -2orv @ eC tr. Pt tf om ore

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ANT — - eed || /, Fi f Mie, UPA \ : = " ' ie | Nat W i Fie a— il 7), ae ; . a "i U iW, “ ANTI PUNCH, OR THE LONDOVMARIVAI

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\ \ \\ ‘ aa Sebo WE eraerce" SISSON eS OOS WUE ght eee . AAW st NBA SAN NAS " a SY"! NN ‘\ Vey NRO \ NAY Cy eae WA \ I Wy) WAY . Yi \ LY, fi / [C8 JUGGERNAUT. NDOW ARIVARI.—SeEpTemBeR 3, 1864.

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Page 103

- Suprmmm, 3, 1864]

oa og Wo by which their

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. HEAVY CHARGE. THE GREEK AND DA LoS aaa @’s monster a ARMSTRONG’s mi gun To try what ¢ ean be done, Geel el pon ove St And also full as much, if not Mash mais Bt Gecry shell What’s there to show for this expense Of and of ball ? Hole m a’shield, the model fence - _ Of Ironsides ; that’s all, Save proof that if, with skilful aim, aud't invading came, *Twould riddle her sides too. In peace cogent we paet fight Sinee war is ever in our sight ; That ’s how the money goes. eee eas Much -it would go Had we an to beat TL : 's aim to fail, Semmens Your D of no avail, on) Teens a Some : millions we shall fire eee Peachtree Crook, the Maton mont bate tolun the Colanal is his oath mou bln ia mith we are enabled to form a of the effort which the t betide,) of that prodigy must have cost him. On the other we are called to amit 3 upon to admire the Colonel’s vey submitting, under the obli tion of his parole of honour, to be carried Guallg Over th the water by hi peeps so captor like a duck by a Newfoundland dog. rat oh! Pa report a much dees for faxty no GALLANTRY OF BRITISH JURXMEN. in onl ol, . Seems ons Py action of breach of of nai do : a -five a woman of sixty-nine, con- were worth, in cash, ducted in a Court of iy ve agin «wren of tie ad cigars and brandy-and-water, by'a Judge and Jury Club in a hosoe’er might come, asin, ee Miaian Beet very i asks, what is the reason why, Nop 6 oe of ite Sum blaintifs get laughed et a, and nothing beds ut an amount of ie damages pounds i represented, according customary suggestion of counsel, Wis sonics nr teh gotg een We ?” a ISN’T HE IN A RAGE? who want to get their own Suaobiees und aobane off their hands, but wish their male relations not to marry. old Fuiizr, “ is one of the spe of the soul, and i a anc Hh a aimed ind” This Irish advertiser must be A Laughable Image. , 1) %9 OM tan on im last, about two o'clock, from | To protect the so-called Achilles Statue in Hyde Park, from whose House, Rialto- Grand ry anal re Tro, wid copped sare plinth some letters have been removed, from further damage, a corre- “inte Ghanaian him will be rewarded, but God help | snondent of the Builder suggests that it should be surrounded with “a ms sunk ha-ha fence.” The statue in question, being supposed by con- ee artes te aioe Eoin, waa, con to noisseus of sculpture to be not that ofthe the son of Paxevs, but to repre- Pace address as per ori ing. perfectly. at }sent a common and ping ee, ae ees & bete the thi bap ites to peer felon craptaze ludicrous appearance, has al when encompassed by a circle of sarees tes wrath. the dog back, spdchatcbe, 2 sullloicel ha-ha it. Sf ease Bs a Cigh, Se. cums, Sa ae pms the beast. back, if he were twice as} A Representative Man. urry., HOW f : Sam Pam, at, and of, Tiverton: . “* We all know that those who are childhood (especially those of the fair erat < sila thlr ood locks to ater aso oi as fan nt other work on bank on. which the

It is not announcing a truism to say that Lonp Patmerstow is the Representative of Tiverton. | nin PREITY bok led Wiha! a suo Dumas is

| aeaaeeh ae & Dat Do Me reat “sold on ty

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. [September 3, 1864, | { AN WW = WW SSS MN) | th | it ‘al | — ‘es . ¥ 11 ON Ma) Mtv | Ber fi | "| Sit, ear 321m siren A ffectionate Nephew (going back to School after the Holidays, and Bonneting the Old Gentleman as a parting salute). “Touch yER Last, Uncie!!” RESPONSIBILITY AND NUMBER ONE. Some time ago, certain officers in Ireland, having, in the discharge of their duty, to quell a | mob, ordered: the men tc fire on it, and so killed some of it. A Coroner’s jury charged them with wilful murder. On this charge they were allowed to be brought to trial. They were acquitted of it, indeed, but they had had to endure the horror of a trial for their lives, and to ineur the cost of their defence. This was calculated to make all officers, civil as well as military, take care how they quelled a mob for the future. The results of the salutary lesson thus impressed on authorities we have just seen at Belfast. Enforcement of responsibility can have no other effect on sane people than that of making them resolve to do nothing for which they can peal become responsible. Responsibility is surely intended to make folks take care to be safe. How can a strictly logical Public complain that it answers its purpose P Exact strict responsibility for all blunders, mistakes, and errors of judgment. But then, if you want anybody but a fool to run the least risk in serving you—don’t you wish you may get him? How nice to enjoy both the satisfaction of ——s responsibility, and also the ecenenge a from daring! How equally nice would be the e which you could eat and keep ! A WORD TO A WESTRY. A New Medical Officer is wanted in Marylebone. Upwards of two hundred doctors have designated their distinguishedj brother, Dr. Hassaut, as the man for the place. That these educated gentlemen, who have the best means of forming a judgment on the subject, should have made the suggestion, has enraged that awful body the Marylebone Vestry. This splutters and swagger, and taking advantage, in the pettiest manner, of a word the doctors have used—the word everybody else uses in regard to the Vestry in question—“ delegates,” the terrible Vestrymen denounce the Medical Profession for its interference. Now, if Mary- lebone were Houndsditch, or the New Cut, or any place where adulteration and fraud in trade were the rule and not the exception, we could understand the hatred of tradesmen for a man like Dr. Hassatt, who has shown up very mercilessly the merciless tricks of shop- keepers. But the tradesmen who form the majority of the Marylebone Vestry are of a high class, and cannot be suspected of ill-will towards an exposer of disgraceful practices. Still, it looks fishy to see Trade banded against Hassaxt, and for the sake of the “good taste” of which these swell parochials are so justly proud, Punch thinks that they should listen to the Profession on a subject which it must understand better than they can. The Noble Army of Yankees. Tr is said that a German worthy, named Kart von Essencuen, at New York, has devised a plan for intercepting the Victoria, communicating with Mt1uEr, and enabling him to esca) in a fishing-boat and enlist in the Army of the United States, for a bounty to be pocketed by Mz. vow Essencuen. If Mr. Mvuzzr did really murder Mr. Briaes, he will be just the sort of recruit for the Federal Army. A VISIT TO THE PROMENADE CONCERTS. (Arn.—"* The Low-backed Car.) To Mr, Metton’s Concerts, I went the other day; (I should say night), ’twas that I might, ear his musicians play ; But the Programme told me what I had Before that time not known, That among the men was ALI Ben, Who would play on his Turkophone. Now what was his Turkophone ? I couldn’t make out, I own; I asked all around, but no one could be found, Who was up to the Turkophone. . I’d heard Cartorta Part, Miss Huppart well I knew, And a German maid, who sweetly played On the grand pianny, too ; And Mr, Levy who had Charmed Lovts on his throne ; But somehow very few had Ever heard of a Turkophone. Now what was a Turkophone ? I couldn’t make out, I own; I asked all around, but no one could be found, ho was up to the Turkophone. I didn’t mind Rossryt, I wearied of Mozart; And the worst of bores 1 considered the pause, *T wixt the first and second part. I grew so agitated that, I scarce could stand alone ; And I cried out, “When will Aut Ben “Come and play on his Turkophone ?” Oh, what is a Turkophone ? T cannot make out, 1 own. | Is it wind, is it string, oh what sort of a thing, Is this wonderful Turkophone ? *T was very near eleven, Mr. MELLON gives a rap: And a man in a fez cries out, “Oh, yez,” Like a foreign sort of chap. And then was the great Att Ben, To the English public shown; | He was dressed in his best, in a Turkish vest, And he carried the Turkophone, But was it the Turkophone ? I couldn’t make out, [ own. *T was alute, ora flute, or a hautboy; but no boy Could swear ’twas the Turkophone. He handled it so neatly Before the list’ning crowd, And he piped and wiped, and he wiped and piped, Then looked around and bowed. And the people all applauded, For he brought out such a tone, And the man at the harp had to look very sharp To keep up with the Turkophone. As he tootled the Turkophone, The player on the trombone Put his hand to his ear, and then let fall a tear As he grinned at the Turkophone.}; *Twas the Last of Summer Roses He played, and then I smiled, : When very soon we lost the tune In his variations wild. So-away we went to supper, For hungry had we grown, | : And ordered some “ Fizz,” which the right thing is . - ’ With a devilled Turkeybone. That wonderful Turkophone ! But a’ grilled peppered Turkeybone. And Champagne je the Haleigh would make e’en EN ALI Cry, “ Bother the Turkophone!” CoO we eee & he ee eet Oe OS Oe US ke lexweoeeunr

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SerremBer 3, 1864] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. = N . y, NAR VAD Bg AU uN Sa ' i AA vi Viste! a = S SALMON- 7 a — , — 23) = — . f , 4 veal) XB SANS Sa £ 3 « = FISHING! Friend (on the bank). “* WELL, Jack! HAVE YOU HAD PRETTY Goop Sport?” Jack. “Sport! Ir you catt ir Sport TO HAVE NO WATER AND NO Fis, AND TO PAY Ninety Pounps For THREE WEEKS OF IT, I’ve wap Pienty!” AN IRISH MARE’S NEST. ‘Tue Mayor of Belfast, a grocer named Lytiz, has been awfully by the Marquis or Doneca.t, Provincial Grand Master of Masons, for absence from Belfast during the recent scenes of savagery. The grocer says he wasn’t well, but did not leave his duty until the night of the day on which the riots began, besides which, in anticipation of a fray, he had called in 150 extra policemen. Then he went to Har- rogate. Now we do not expect grocers to be logicians, and we are quae content when they sell us goed currants and coffee at a fair price. ut when oy turn Mayors, and begin to “ hargyfy,” we must apply the test usual in dealing with the utterances of great men. If Mr. Lytzz thought that there was any chance of a row, he ought to have stayed ; if he did uot think so, why did he send for extra peelers ? How- ever, what he lacks in logic he makes up Irish fashion, declaring himself be avery grand kind of man, and taunting Lorp Dowgea.t with not having done his, the Mayor’s, own business. Clearly he ought to have n a valiant Mayor—like our own Siz WiLL1AM WaLwortH—snatched up his mace (not that which he keeps in the drawer with the ginger), beaten a drum (not a drum of his excellent figs), and caused the rioters on both sides to “ nop. pepper.” The Marquis has put the saddle on the right horse, but Belfast has put the gown on the wrong mayor. Amends to Leicester. Tue Balloonatics of Leicester are incensed with Mr. Punch for been bag. my | inform him, haughtily, first, that R. Coxwe.t’s balloon was not destroyed by Leicester men, but by excursionists, and secondly that Leicester wants no dictation as to its choice of a representative. If the former statement be true, we will pardon the little escape of electoral gas manifested in the second, the rather that the Leicester men are subscribing pennies to buy the gallant aéronaut a new balloon—a most graceful way of skying their coppers. paving hinted that poral who elect a certain kind of orator should have | der to a Wind- i OUR OWN REVIEW. A New Poem with an old title has just come under our notice. It is called The “ Lay” of the Last Minstrel, and is very properly dedicated to Mr. Bass, M.P. The introduction is very fine, and the allusion, in the third line, to— “ His withered cheek,” no less poetical than true. The organman’s cheek is, we trust, rapidly diminishing :— “ The last of all the grinders, he, Who sang of BaBBace chivalry. For well-a-day ! their date was fled, His tuneful brethren all were dead, And he, by just police suppressed, Moved on and gave r inmates rest. No more by patient donkey borne, The Monster Organ roused the morn, No longer courted and caressed, By heartless neighbours, dreadful pest ! For Bass, M.P., in Session time, Had made his grinder’s art a crime.” So the organman driven from the Metropolis, wandered forth into the country, and there . ** He played, to please a peasant’s ear,” The tunes, that none in town would hear.” This poem should be in everybody’s hands. If, in consequence of the great demand, it is not already out of print, we wish that our readers may get it. The New Bream Down Harbour. WE see paragraphs thus headed. What sort of a fish is the "new bream, and why does it swim down harbour, and down what harbour does it swim? When Mr. F. Buckianp goes out of mourning for the lamented sturgeon, we should like the above ichthyological information. Bn ake | he tee, yy iy oe t Bi mths es ep 4a eS

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PUNCH, OR FHE LONDON CHARIVARI. |SzpremBer 3, 1864. A VISIT TO MYNHEER VAN DUNK. BAR Puncu,—As a man of very varied and exten- sive information, doubtless are that Her | drink Quzen | and, inde humerous delu- — gions as to Dutch- say Shak, cesoptnih excepting cheese, perhaps, there is nothin by the milli of probably from cag oh ow $ tory, upon the of the famous Rip inkel. You imagine him 4 man about as broad as he is long, whose habit is to sit at home all day sm a huge meerschaum, and never is fat lips, excepting when his pipe or his stomach may want filling. e sage Dui én, you have read, when their city was attacked, sat smoking in mute council till the frag- rant cloud they blew enveloped all their city, and thus hid it from the enemy. Well, Dutchmen certainly do smoke, but they don’t smoke meerschaums now, and but few clay pipes are visible. The modern Rip Van Winkel would most likely go to sleep with a cigar between his lips, for cigars are now in vogue with all smokers in Holland. Soldier, sailor, tinker, tailor, gentleman, apothecary,” small boy, thief, every one you see there is smoking a cigar. eeds in Holland are as plentiful as weeds now in the Thames, and if you have yo from Oxford lately, you can estimate their number without much fear of adding to it. A row from Oxford down to Windsor is like rowing through a salad; and if the bone a should last much x I expect to hear that —— has beeti played upon the river, an the regatta reach at Henley has been chosen for a cricket-match. Put aside, then, if you please, your old Knickerbocker notions, and learn that Dutchmen now, excepting that they mostly shave, are vastly like to Englishmen. Tollite barbarum! “ Away with the barber!” has been our cry of late, but is not echoed yet by Dutchmen. A moustache is here the rule, in Holland the exception ; and, so far as I could see, a beard is very seldom reared there. The Dutch are not more silent than ourselves, and are scarcely greater smokers; and in many of their ways —their love of home comforts, for instance, and their industry in busi- lp a strongly-marked resemblance to the English. They eat roast beef, and they drink beer, and go to clubs to read the news- paper, in a manner not much different from that of most Great Britons. ‘heir country is in facet a sort of foreign England, and any English visitor soon finds himself at home there. On the whole, I think their churches and their other public buildings quite as ugly as our own; and thongs they pay a little more re to picturesqueness in their houses, these do not look a whit less likely than our own to yield a comfortable dwelling-place. As a rule, their rooms seem far more lofty than our own ; and their front doors are so gigantic that they all seem made for Brobdingnags. Not being a business man, I could not value, as it merited, the vastness of tl warehouses ; but I delighted to observe how beauty in their architecture blended with utility, and how the decorated gable ends, on which such pains and paint had. been care- fully bestowed, were all furnished with a hook to haul up—if not mer- chandise—chairs, chests of drawers, and dinner tables. Not for the world would I throw doubt upon the déc#a of our Bishops. But the Bisnor who informed us, in the jolliest of glees, that our friend * When you write to your Dutch friends, you should spell this “‘ apotheek,” and Age may ask why the apotheeks always have a ghastly-carved head stuck outside heir shops, with the mouth gaping its widest, as though taking a big pill? ting teh is nasty. I pity Dutchmen for living 80 remote from Bass and Axsopr, an zoe als, distance from brewed by Cuar- or Truman. think a i her should th charity be started for hes be br | a I} pyramid of Bass, and to find that it contains some continental nasti- : tig I experienced this agony myself at hed | j , Gould make me. “ Waiter! best ‘Dutoh, * i wank seine React, 8 Mynuzzer Van Duwx “drank brandy-and-water. gaily,” and daily quenched his thirst with half a gallon of that spirit, I fear can hardly be relied on for_correctness in his statement. If, however, it be true, Mynuzer Vay Duwx must have been quite an exception to the rule which Dutchmen practise in their drinking. Beer is their chief tipple, and the few who call for spitits, take Schiedam, not brandy. If you go into a ep ghey find that t in ten, at least, are beer while the other most probably are sipping lemonade, or some mild i sort. I never Saw 6 Gratis man in map Welk visit ; the beer which is commonly consumed seéms hardly to be ucing drunkenness. Poor, thin, wishywashy stuff it is, our “ oye and has but very little flavour sey y ? ten uff from malt aiid hops can that the barrels and the d with in trans’ t, I i the tritks in trade iy torture éan be ter than to get a bottlé marked with the red their ae by showing what be sd. Care, however, mis oe hy hein! (as the genteel lady called it), and was éhargéd a guilder t —— Of course, big brewers cannot stoop to bottle theif Gwn beef; but they might int their bottlers, and make usé Stamped corks, and then shmen abroad would not be duped &s I Was. ked bottles may, of course, be emptied and refilled with any Yat-rinsings and cask- dregs ; but marked corks, when once drawii, 6o ot be used again, and I would make it penal to imitate thé stam them. al ed me of Bngtani, but, the beer T have said that Holland often re I tried to drink there certainly did rer to refresh hiy recollection. At the same hotel, however, where I was dajped so Bass-ly, my native land was strongly brought into my memofy. _ [| arrivéd evening, as weary and a8 hungry as a long Dutch folto bd by a short dan!” said I, in my now! Vat haben you to iben me?” IT thought he looked a Dute 80 I gave myself the rouble to om ih his own language. But, w me! the knave answered, “ Dinnersit ? yessif. What ald ’avesi j as though I had arrived at any swell hotel in s “Oh replied, a little disappointed at not having to te sab something nice and foreign, ua diner du pays, voyez-oous,” said I; for when travelling abroad I never lose a chance of trotting out my French, albeit that plain English may be vastly more —— “ Furrin- dinner? Yessir. Bringyouabiledfowlsir, horwouldy’pleaseto’averoast- beef?” Boiled fowl or roast beef! Wasn’t that a pretty dish to set before an Englishman, whose main desire in travelling was to expel all thoughts of England, and live a foreign life! But I was much too hungry to move any amendment of this wretched bill of fare, and so I sat and vainly tried to think myself abroad the while I ate roast beef off a dinner-plate marked “‘ Wedgwood,” served on an Irish table-cloth, and carved with a Sheffield knife and fork. T have another word or two to say about the Dutch, so I beg leave to subscribe myself, yours, dear Punch, eternally (until the middle of next week, say); VAGABUNDUS. “BEES ARE HUMMING, I AM COMING.” Wes think that a line has accidentally slipped out of the last letter from the Bee-Master. He says that crities of the wasp kind are delighted when they can discover a trumpery blemish in the works of Tennyson or Lonerettow. Has not the printer man to omit the words that should follow—something of this kind, “‘ or detect @ Careless lapsus in a Lecturé on Prophecy.” Eh, Dr. Bex-Master? Nevertheless your letters are very g ones, and you may write as many more as the Times likes to insert, though as COWPER says :— “ We who make no honey, though we sting, Critics, are sometimes apt to maul a thing.” A Contribution to the next Burlesque. (Jt may be introduced 4 propos of nothing, of course.) East-Inp1an Foundlings have no safe retreat, Like Captary Coram’s near Lamb’s Conduit Street ; Coram in India never watches o’er ’em, For then he would be called an Indy Coram. A BRUTAL DEMOCRACY. HirHeRrto we have known of an Animal Kingdom only, but now that the belligerent Yankees have sunk to the level of savage beasts, we are forced to recognise also an Animal Republic.

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Sepremser 10, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Ny : i a Boy. “ Prease, Srr, Tett ME THE Time?” Crusty Old Gent. “ Yes, Srr,—Brp-Trme!” IN THIS OLD HAT. In this old hat Policeman X Has led London well ; Tn this the female sex, To fight and Bay by tight ca d ‘o , by night ay, From Kew io Candee Town, , That shiny top has put a stop, Obedient to the Crown. At parting from the friend of aa : oy lemma 9 eh x he A His dark blue eyes brimful with tears Attested what he felt : The helmet now upon his brow, He slowly by, In doubt how Cook and Jaye will look, When it arrests their eye. | Policeman X, Srr Ricwarp bless With all your might—and main, He apprehends the style of dress That pleases Cook and Janz: For over.tea they both agree— woe captivating dear— Ae ith such a casque you need but ask, To have inatetent Were. | i } { ‘* Non Talibus Horsepitiis.”’ From Cornwall comes astory of a horse who, weary of an | idle life on a common, deliberately went and drowned him- self in the sea. We don’t believe a horse would be such an ass. Does not this sea-horse much resemble the (Cetus | pointed out to Privy Councillor Polonius, calf, by H.R.H. the Prince or Denmark, K.K. ? | ' | CLUB CONVERSATION | (FOR THE TIME OF YEAR). Scens—Reading Room of the Club. Sourtany Memser, who has read | all the papers, serials, and magazines, is discovered sitting at writing- table, trying to remember some one to whom he owes a letter ; as writing | to anybody is more sociable than speaking to nobody. Door opens, | and enter, cautiously, De Fes1E. | Sol. Member (laying down his pen and elevating his eyebrows). Hallo! De Feble (as if intensely surprised). What, you here ! Sol. Mem. (rising, with outstretched hand, and in his heartiest manner): How are you ? De Feble (making the usual satisfactory reply). How are you ? During the Season, Dz Fzsie nods, and a manages to recognise the existence of Souirany Memser, and the latter s of the former as “ that conceited PUppY De Fesiz, whom he should like to kick,” or words to that effect. But now, in the desolation of a St. James’s Street Club, it is a hand to grasp, a human voice with a word of sympathetic welcome, even though that hand be nothing but a paw, and the voice a yelp, which by a , eaieal development of the canine simile they both ware might be. . Mem. (returning to his seat, making as though his letter was of great consequence in order to give DE FrBux the idea that business detains him in Town). Well—and so—you—(after the first glow of heartiness there comes over them both, but more especially over the one who has made the first advance, an indefinable chill)—you—(hits on a bright idea)— you ’re in Town, are you Feble (rather ashamed of himself, and not liking to admit the | fact all at once, says dubiously). Well—yes. But—um—(clears his fashionable reputation at the expense of his veracity), I’m gomg down into the country to-night. Sol, Mem. Ah! (Wishes he could say so, too; thinks he will say so.) I’m a—(becomes nervous, and thinks he won't), at least 1’m not going away xe awhile. De Feble | feeling that he has got the advantage over his acquaintance now). Ah! I sh be away for some time. Sol. Mem. (fidgeting with his pen). Ah! (vaguely), going to Hertford- shire P De Feble (with some uncertainty). No, no, (as much as to say that he get some shooting at my y) could go to Hertfordshire if he . shall Uncle's, and so forth, as or ” [Shrugging his shoulders as if the arrangements bored him. Sol. Mem. (Smiling thoughtfully). Yes. (Looks serious and wonders what the deuce he was eee at.) Yes. {Bove to watch the few people in the street. De Feble (tracking back). Yes. I shall be off to-mght, (Anocking his cane on the floor) or to-morrow morning, —_ [Watches people in the street. Sol. Mem. Ah—yes—er—. [Bites pen. De Feble, Well—or (looks at his watch), let me see, I must— [Mumbles something to himself. Sol. Mem, Umn—um— [Tears up a piece of , and makes a show of commencing a letter. De Feble. a. as if about to say something of great importance which he had left for the last m —Good a. Sol. Mem. Good bye. (Nods ntly, but omits the ceremony of shaking hands. Exit De Fenix, making a mental memorandum to the effect that he must not, for his own credit’s sake, enter the Club again for some days. Dez Fete partly regrets within himself that he did not ask the Soli tary One if he was going to “dine at the Club—and go anywhere ;’ but he cannot do that now, so he feeds at some remote restaurant, or in his own chambers with himself and his Familiar Humbug. . Sotrrany Memser entertains a better feeling towards De Fesir after this interview, than he ever did before. For Ds Fxsiz’s blooming companions being all out of Town, the natural man is peeping out through the artificial man ; the buckram Court dress of the season has been taken off, and Dz Fesxz goes easily in his smoking coat. And so it comes to , that, in the letter which Sotrrary ER n toa friend out of a oe sentence stands recorded—“I met £ Feswz in Town to-day. He’s not such a bad fellow, after all.” So these two men are, both of them, the better for being chucked against, one another, by an unfashionable Fate, in this entr’acte time of the year. ? The Weather. Txe storm which was in London on a Sunday, visited several parts of the Country during the week. It was heartily welcomed wherever it dropped in. This sounds all very well, and is of course at this the fashionably correct movement; but what, we may ask, will the poor te ms Londoners do, when even the Wettest Weather eaves Town ADVICE. How to make a Watch keep time.—Never wind it up, it will then keep the same time all the year round. VOL, XLVII. M

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104 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Serremper 10, 1864.

FROM OUR ILL-USED CONTRIBUTOR. To Mr. Punch. The Temple. re,—The Starry GaLILzo (and his woes) may have preceded me in remarking that the world still moves. He was in 1564, and died in 1642. I have nothing to add tion. I am obeying your tyrannic orders, and am re- maining in town. But you are throwing away my salary, ae pee may not be much to about. 1 could do you much better service by

sending you Ly C8 | hats y says, prom the plea- -_ sures of the sea-shore, or = the excitements of foreign travel, as I —— to do if you would let me go away, and you know that such pro- mises are always redee an errant Coutributor. ais tu Pas voulu. That Irish agriculturist who fed his pig one day and starved him the next, and so on, in order that the bacon : might show alternate slices saaieipiaianal reel MYooaiay it peed stead wd ex myself. i 8 , an I was wet through with = ‘o-day the sun seorches enl—entichesis demands what delicacy denies—let me merely say that I am angueeatiy hot. The lesman who supplies ice to m i ere is of course at Hastings or Dieppe, at all events he has sent me no ice. Yet ay mya ee gong ight ago. The next time he wants | to leave town, he not depend upon my aid to put him in funds. I will pay his ice-bill at ae en eonsole him for the deiay with a jest ran Aon the fittingness of things. I drink your health m luke- warm soda-water, and you may imagine the attendant good wishes. | Last week I gently complained, or rather I faintly murmured, because of many hardships. I hinted that by enforcing my sojourn in town at such a time you were debilitating the finest m I regret to say that you are answerable for a still worse state of things. | I have become addicted to play. Among the i ulation of five who now pervade the Club, three play whist, or imagine that the _ do so. They conspired on Thursday to induce me to join them, and was, as our humbler fellow-creatures say, “ helpless,” ‘that I tore myself from the Asnwal Register for 1789, and myself into the card-room. I play well, but it is upon a theory of my own, which is based = the principle of paying no attention to the —_ the others at the table. This play is not understood by ordinary minds, and though _ my promptitude at Athanasian repartee prevents persons from frequently _ remonstrating with me, I perceive that my play is disagreeable to my companions. This is some compensation, low, for my misfortunes, , but. —¢ <a a Stn cate en aes - not much in account _ against the loss of six, eight nine pounds, shillings | On three afternoons ively. I believe, at least, that such will be | the opinion of Mrs. Ericurus, to whom, on the remote chance of a | wife’s troubling herself to read her husband’s rubbish, I hereby break | , if there be any, of course is entirely your | the pleasing news. The fault | own, for had ‘you allowed me tobe at Sear h with my family, as | would beseem a husband and a father, I should not have been playing | whist with the heartless at the Opossum Club. I do not know whether | I shall play again to-morrow, but very likely there will be an addition to the load on your editorial conscience, to the demand which I shall have to make upon And I will add, though that obstinate idiot, Snoozer, couldn’t or wouldn’t see it, and wickedly proyoked me into using b. language b his persistency, I was right at the end of the game, as second hand, remaining with tenace in trumps and king of another suit eldest hand holding minor tenace and the corresponding ace, an the ace, I was right, I king, because then if brought it to aa or two tricks; whereas, if I had held back king, three couldn’t have been made: and if you don’t see this, you are as numb a hand as eet, and I don’t care a red cent what Catess says, or anybody elise. | T meant to go and see the balloon start from the Crystal Palace one | day last week, and to have described the ascent, in order to give you , Something novel and exciting, but I forgot the affair on the very day. usados, leading

to his Copernican observa- |}, in your service. | ings, lost by me | es as'the Chancellor of Mr. Punch’s Exchequer. | say (and Syoozer be hanged) to sacrifice my | ual chance ae Fed I won three |

ou may not, and you may accept the pro- the ‘graphic detail that would otherwise paragraph, that when one is grocodingly busy with all al steam at high a able man, like myself, never | forgets anything, and a score of important things are all attended to at the right moment and in «the best manner. Whereas, when one has | nothing to do, exeept-one or two things, the chances are that they are forgotten, or daw over, and dealt with in an unsatisfactory way. | This is illustrated m London and Provincial life. An active Londoner, with all his hours erowded, finds time to write or answer letters. A | bucolic party, with abundant leisure, can never find time to write when e ought, and invariably begins his letter with some excuse for delay ; a parson called,or a.pig had to be killed, ‘or there was no ink, or Goopy Broww’s children had got the hooping-cough and ue had visited them and feared to send contagion in the letter. But about the balloon. Perhaps it waseas well I did not go, for in my state@fmind a very little | would have tempted ame'to ascend with Mr. . Idid go up onee from Gremorne Gardens with Mr. Green, and never enjoy | myself more, especiallythe-eoming back from Erith marshes, (where we .) ma old dy omnibus, drawn By ‘two cart-horses. ps men, mow decorous and retuntl like myecl, who remember that night, and whether ight or morning lodked upon the returned voyegers when they eme from a ‘Yourng (we wittily | and monosyllabivally called it cafe) near the | You may have remarked, or } | found observation in lieu o} | have filled this | one’s intellectu BuckKstonz’s /theatre. But myseeond voyage might not have ‘Been ‘so prosperous, and what would you have thought of yourself then, to say nothing of | the eompensation which my executors would have-exudted from you in | the interest of that female at Scarborough? | You will be happy to‘know that the Thames Bxibenkment is going on well. The incessant fallof the Monkey, and r y incessant bawling and swearing of the intelligent-operatives, whom I take to be mainly of the Irish persuasion, now disturb not any tomed ears, but about onve*in every ‘two hours I hears tow, and then i know that a horse and batt have been cast into the Thames in company with the load which it had been intended to add to the bank. Some- times horse and cart are out, amid shouts and execrations that might be heard from the Temple to Greenwich re I have not dined once this year), but at other times I incline to believe that the animal, being drowned, is inte in the Embankment, and laid away for a few centuries, at the end of which his bones will be dug out, and set up in the British Museum at Kensington, in evidence that the English of the Victorian age buried horses with funeral rites, and could have been by no means the Christians they described themselves in the leading articles and sermons of the period. a Se way, I suspect, entre nous, that we, the Victorians, may be somewhat roughly handled by posterity for one or two other matters about which we are rather complacent, and I think, therefore, that we are wise in our generation in praising ourselves as much as possible (as we do on the slightest pro- vocation), while we have the opportunity. We are a great and glorious people, but I wish we could manage to do posterity out of the law and criminal beporte and a few other records of the day. However, my own writings will tell to all time that while I was proud of the progress of my ony, { was not blind to her errors, which I always sought to correct, | You will probably ask me, in the private note enclosing your cheque» how I spent my Sunday. I reply by anticipation to this unjustifiable demand, by stating that I do not consider you entitled to inquire. That day is a holiday, even to me. It isa holiday to all except ‘to the thou- sands engaged in getting up the daily papers for Monday. I hope the Subbatarians are aware of the exception, and that every dweller at Clapham or any other pious neighbourhood, who reads a paper on Mon- day, knows that he or she is an accomplice in what he or she considers criminal, The Sunday papers are all prepared on Saturday, but the newspaper, the absence of which on Monday morningwould, I fear, cause considerable ill-temper in the families and at the counting-houses of the patrons of Exeter Hall, is produced by the literary and mechani- cal labour of Sunday. No humbug can do’away with this fact; and until Sabbatarianism registers and keeps a vow never to read a Monday newspaper, Sabbatarianism is just as wicked as the evil barber who shaves the mechanic before the bells ring. As for your demand about my Sunday, I will merely say that our district church being closed for repairs, and I having been severely admonished by more than one bishop of my acquaintance upon the duty of keeping to my gees I permitted my one ,remaining servant (who disclaimed any such scruples) to leave our house in my charge, and to go to her own church. I hope she did. She took extraordinary pains with her toilette, and I observed that she was joined, at the corner of the Square, by a smiling young man, simply and elegantly attired, whose red waistcoat, blue cravat, and yellow gloves had quite a floral effect upon the eye. The discourse they attended must have been long, as |she was absent from half-past ten until a quarter to three; but the |humbler classes do not speedily weary of instruction, as their more frivolous superiors do. devoted my own morning to reading the Homilies, and I now quite understand why the clergy disobey the | counsel of the Rubriok, and never read those compositions instead of

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Supremprr 10, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART.

their own dull sermons. For after a course of the close, pithy pregnant oy homilies, the platitudes of the ordi pulpit would be into- lerable to the congregation. But, if preachers would preach like Cuaries Kinesizy, they need not be afraid of such contrasts ; but to preach as he does, a man wants brains like his, and such articles are not too abundantly distributed in Church or State. Having thus again —s you, as desired, with a general view of what is going on, and wit + * <sigeee views into the bargain, I beg you to receive the assurance, Ericurvus Rorunpvs.

STREET-ARCHITECTURE. P wave not visited London for some time, but being called up to i the best use of my spare and noting the 3 side ofthe way, it suddenly a bulls wrialy according: 0 8 Agena ho experience, as he has found: ultimately turn out to be ; uses. i make me believe that it was intendedfora Music Hall. But thongh may be a young man from the country, yet am I not to be ov’ that manner. e idea of the Perfe , or the Dark Girl, or other of those vulgarities, being perpetrated within the solemn ! No, no. It’s a Monastery, or a or Church of some: ki I’m another. On Sunday [ attem to enter what I thonght was a pretty little Gothic Chapel, nota hundred miles from Leicester Square. was nearly being taken up bya for attempting a burglary upon the London and Leicester Square Bank! There seems to be some want of originality in design among our architects. Let a Chapel be a Chapel, a Music Hall be a Music , 8 Bank a Bank, and let me sign myself, Yours truly, Lirrtz Ben.

MIXED PUNCH. Last week, Mr. Punch. received a sensation. The 7imes published a letter, to which were a d some lines, headed Prison Verses, These the correspondent stated to have been found on a prisoner in a certain , g verses, which are excessively clever, as Mr. ‘unck’s next words will prove, showed him that they were His Own. adorned his columns a few years ago, and are an improvement upon Dr. Warts’s poem, er I take my Walks Abroad. Mr. 'unch’s sensation, however, was not one of pride—quite the reverse. He was with sorrow that a man who could and did rea unch, should not have been preserved from error, and should have behaved so evilly as to have deserved imprisonment. As Mr. Punch moodily brooded over this fact, he looked at the verses again, and to his — satisfaction found that some of them had been altered and de : The criminal had studied them from an impure edition. This, of course, removes all blame from Mr. Punch. a doctor prescribes a drug, and that drug be administered in an adulterated form, it is not his fault if the patient continues ill. Mr, Punch has sent to the overnor of the gaol a correct copy, to be given to the prisoner when is sentence shall have expired, and no doubt his reformation will then PAaNCH. complete. 85, Fleet Street,

Polly Perkins. La Gazette des Etrangers informs us that— “ Trois -~ “— alan, len, Sen te BS wm ya brasseur de Londres, We. can state, on good'authority, that Mpiiz. Ponty Perks, of P Green, was not.of the party, as she has not yet quitted Town, nor indeed. does she appear likely to leave us for some considerable time,

ROUGE-ET-NOIR AT HOME. those who are se to visit Hombarg this year, = ~ autho- that ordinary gambling is clearly ille on ver Thames, the authorities. permit any eae of

MILK FOR PIGS. An Eclogue. Txov, to Elysium ere thy Manes fled, Who didst relate what brutes, discoursing, said, Possess this hand, and through my pen set down, A dialogue between a Pig and Clown. Joun Smock, whose arms on elbows fixed, as props, With palms of horn supported lantern chops, Leant o’er the palings which enclosed a stye, Bespoke the Pig, and heard the Pig’s reply. JOHN. Thee bist a happy chap now, bistn’t thee ? Ah! better mr chan i haere. To veast and an aisy life is thine ; How much alike lives gentlefolks and swine! Pie. Humph! What hast brought? Hey? have-it, What ? Nought vF No grain? No bray aia et » oug ! No eit ite nor sup ! Then what disturb me for, and stir me up? ~~ Leok, here . *s@tatur ; zummut vor te.munc To stay thy stummick till they tings th tens, You pigs, you always gets your reglar meals ; Tain’t for no want you grunts, oon and squenls, . Pie. Tatnr ? Don’t like it, Coarse and common food: thy brood, Ugh!, Take it home-and cook it for On thewitte pleutp-ebiihe saitlmelt's pail: JOHN. that thee dost, and zo we can’t, not we, Git nare a drap o’ milk our young to gie. Ay, dairy-fed thee bist, and dost no work : Dost know thee ’rt beun vatten’d up for pork ? Pic, Eh? Umph!- What? Future never think about. Eat, drink, enjoy the present. Lout! Get out! Come what | come to-morrow ; feast to-day. T have milk and you haven’t. Go away! JoHN. Fine Lg for a roast thee It make by ’n by ! I thinks I hears thy cracklin’ fizz and fry. Yaa! Christians’ projinny for milk may squall ; To feed the Pigs the Farmers gies it all.

For the Use of Schools. Queen ExizaBeTa was remarkably proud of her al appearance. When she assumed to herself the title of “ Head of the Church,” it was Sir Watrer Raieicn who suggested, that, instead of this title, her Majesty should have that of “The Vane.”

Torr Ciassics.—A couple of “ Welshers” may be described as Pak NOBBLE-LE FRATRUM.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SerremBer 10, 1864. = 7 ~s ? . \’ \) | \y \: A ) N ‘ Ns \ AEX. Hi \ \ ne Se Ss bf can ss = ee _ mt . , > s ld "= “ = a ) N Al tf fae SS Va a ttm | ———-= silt = \ , a —— \g aE . i — ee ~ ”, ’ YoY N\ a \ “LOVE’S COURSE NEVER DID,” YOU KNOW. Ir was very Unpieasant! But wHaT JENKYNNES HAD TO SAY TO HIS FLORA, WAS SAID UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES. ;QUIET WATERING-PLACES. THIRD DAY AT WINKLEBEACH. -Wednesday Morning.—Houp-la, tchk! Boom, bang, boom! Walk | up! walk up! Full band belonging to the Circus playing all the morn- | ing. I willhie me to the Downs. Winklebeach shall yet have a chance of quiet immortality. I will spare it yet one day. Breakfast. I loathe the sight of prawns and detest ’winkles. What to-day? What can I have? “ Well any part of the mutton.” This is a puzzler. How many parts has amutton? Shall I saya round of mutton, or a saddle, or a haunch, or a brisket, or a chine (if it has a chine) ? All these sound to me like family joints. I leave it to the landlady. I seek solitude among the Downs. Rabbits may peep at me, sheep- dogs may grin at me, the hawk may circle round and round my head, the lark may carol aloft; I care for none of them; I am free! free ! 1 p.a.—The mountain air induces appetite; I must return to Winkle- beach. Houp-la, ichk; boom , boom! still at it. Swallow my biscuit, drink confusion to organ-grinders and street-musical nuisances in an inspiring Lag 29 of Bass: then off to the Downs to my friends the circling hawk, the savage sheep-dog and the bleating fold. Away ! I will take my note-book and philosophise. I choose a retired spot. Certain itinerant minstrels on their road to Winklebeach insist upon playing to me. They look ferocious, and are three to one. I give them money, and they pass on. In my note-book, in pencil —It occurs to me on the Downs that Winkle- beach is a good place to go away from: that its proximity to the grand lonely Downs offers advantages to the contemplator of Nature that— At this point I must have fallen into a sound sleep, from which I was abruptly awakened by great heavy drops of rain on my nose.—N.B. When it does rain at or near Winklebeach, it does rain: there’s no mistake about it. In a few minutes I was wet through, and was forced to seek my Inn. Everyone driven from the Circus tent by the peltine - into the Inn: the band as well. Boom boom, bang bang, in the room, will I have for dinner | g}} coe o’ Clock.—Squeaking of pipe. arrived. Keep it up. 5,6.—Rain. Performances going on down-stairs. There is, provi- dentially, a lull during my dinner, in order to allow a Conjuror, belong- ing to the ¢roupe, who has volunteered a performance, to make his preparations. 7.—Boom boom, bang bang! By permission of the authorities the large room in the Inn is to be cleared for the Conjuror. “Will I come and see it?” No, I denounce the Conjuror and all his works. They ’ll be gone to-morrow, says the landlady.. Thank goodness ! 9.—The Conjuror is doing a trick with pistols. It has appeared to me that for the last half-hour most of the Conjuror’s tricks have been done with pistols. Tea. What can I have? “ Nothing, except prawns and ——” Bah! Shut the door. 10°30.—Singing and supper as before. Pifferari give an entertain- ment consisting of noises of their own native land. 11'45.—Winklebeach policeman is in bed, and won’t come, FOURTH DAY AT WINKLEBEACH. Thursday Morning.—Circus gone. Capital. Fine day. Delightful. Landlady says she’s glad it’s a fine day, because of the tta. The what ? The Regatta. Where? Here, at Winklebeach: it begins at eleven, the German band from Wilfriston will be here at ten o’clock. What! another band! Landlady says it will be a very gay day. What, yer than yesterday? I ask. Oh, yes, much gayer than yesterday. here ’ll be crowds of people here. Oh! What t I have for dinner ? I shall not dine to-day. Bring me Bradshaw. Send for the ——- hackney-coach-machine. There’s a train at 9°45 before the band. FSummary of Report for the D. U Q. W. P. E. Co (Limited) ummary of Report for the D. U. Q. W. P. E. Company (Limited). Winklebeach may be the quietest place, except in the Winklebeach Season, which I am informed lasts during the summer months. The living is pretty good of its kind; but restricted chiefly to prawns, ’winkles, and parts of the mutton. On the whole, in Summer, avoid Winklebeach.

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—— J ZZ a2 IIa A GOS a = MIE. ee Jp IL mg OE Se nae ay, v — - gre ss || Za a > JVs fF TZ a _ 2/7 a 7 Ah O nha ort a | 9 Sammon OC OEM ME LL LA BA D2 eke on ee ~ AS SSS ree 4% a \ A SS SSS TS ane eS > \ SSO SSS Se ~ SSS Se eee ~ LIBERTY A LA PERSIGNY. Mr. Buu. “HA! THAT’S YOUR NOTION OF LIBERTY, IS IT, MUNSEER PERSIGNY?—IT AIN’T MINE!” = SS SN See SS SSS SS 5 SS SSS SSeS x SS . PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Sezpremner 10, 1864.

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Sepremuer 10, 1864.) PUNCH. OR THE LO NDON CFIARIVART. ‘109 A VISIT TO 'MYNHEER VAN DUNK. z4R Puncu,—His Brilliancy “ithe Duke Teen ee hile 8 at the Ww I was me Sete, but Seach I at the same hotel, Phd nt ond the good fortune him or it on the Haagsche Coe. rant that told me ty his pre- sence, and on ref to = the the file, I found that for a — or so name been paraded at the head of the arrival list. For a mere Mister of course but one announcement will s may consider ‘hime | ts that. and he self in luck if he gets But a Royal Duke you know = moa a lustre on a p care must be taken to tell the world his whereabouts, dare say now the price of lodgings has been rising at on Hague, e ever og = happ y when the e Sele ds entered it. Some lege of vig like the privi- ie 9 the rose,’ fading hous t the” best not in odour. I hear his Brilliancy him, knowing no one . if this be so, I cer- indeed I rather feel my pity rising whose precious stones must surely nigh as ‘wearying in travel as the Old lish sy, the Hague, is all d, and if you have visit. It is not so picturesque town is of quaint old ‘hig is it difficult to pass by without finer houses, but of much more modern scarce need say, a good deal less attractive to one’s pencil. one goes nowadays one finds this is the case, and that | Wi tudy comfort more t than picturesqueness. The chief aiivibauhites algae sear aan thal « abiding wisely giving Amsterditto, . where his other palace, stands it. Now, there are few things I a Palace. But besides its clever the palace in the wood is worth a toll the step which, » by the way, shabbiest. Bat the ball-room i oie a hundred feet from — please, the young ladies who or ie quite thick with fine large eb | hardly penetrable; and in is grandly called a lake, and by its music is onee or twice a week or so perfo: mB a arg to the delight of a. audience. Some few ~ ne near the orchestra are ae aid for a Societeit, whose mem of the pers but elsewhere you may stand or ak or . I heard a symphony ens to aoe re in, the open air to at least three ousand listeners, moved foot or tongue until the final note of it. hiv ae shoes. and chatted while the dance-music was but BLSSOHN began they all ixtenti ora tenebant. ve no ages oy pe ih a und sells by the inch ; but a band in our parks at times, and, ma bag ns at the Hague, many poorer are — by it. But I wonder if a puphony tool that “tasted half-an- hour or be heard with so much relish and applauded with People go to bed in Dutchland at a reasonable hour, and there are street noises to prevent your sleeping. At the Hague I e kloppermen, whose business is to keep the peace, were selling it. They are armed with clumsy clappers, like to scare the crows with, and these they clap about the and call out what’ 's O'clock, which people fast asleep ~s must find extremely useful. 4w ‘reste, I only heard one barrel-organ while I was in Holland; but now Mr. Bass’s Bill-has of our legion ma; be driven thither. Moreover. ae lest musa than urs, and nok i e do they are in this free i Dutchland. There are is ae ‘Allexistence is bub@itculation, Up-and down, down and up, as before, This is that in mere recombination We ourselves are ourselves evermore. A RECEIPT. quoted the other day an admirable Spirits,” which F sep 2 our mn some very generous directions. as the. quantities and rum, sugar, sherry or port, and orange eit felon “ Fill the tumbler up with boiling water, and stir together.” Two correspondents write to us, with the ast — the o hetlie attendant ie any attempt at com ey used the i jitheain size eat thot their nat bow, pS not ients, multipli only filled, but also empl _—— many times, ere eng cog found that to bat sr togeter,” or indeed to stir at mine a physical i sitting from THe Satu * British pty one after gi qualities 0! with :— NOTES AND QUERIES. A Rattway Committee in 1864, are restoring the Cross of Charing, on which a Puritan Committee vented their spite in 1641. It is being reared in front of the Grand Hotel. Can any of of {your readers inform me as to the truth of the following The many Exeanor’s Crosses are supposed b y commas So Reve as have had 88, for instance, void a at their origin in the frequent biokerings Euganor’s Cross.” ere- Whenever the QuzENn ae pk a ee immediately Waltham, the Kine quiet oer upon, with a Courtien 's officious i seal, a a lasting memorial of the t up by one of the Lords im Waiting, and Seow do aun was speedily erected. “ It is the curse of slaves, who take to be attended humours for a warrant.” Short Whist. “*Syort whist,” says a descendant of Mus. Barri, whose opinions on the “— are very generally knowa, “is a rubber, where two, out of a. pedir bane players, unable to settle their losses, This is very “short whis' * Long whist; ” adds this excellent is ‘Mr. Barrin’s con- matron, “ stant excuse for coming home from his Club, at four o’clock in the morning.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Serremner 10, 1864, IN THE COLLIERY DISTRICTS. a'LL BE Wrin a METRE on’?.” THE REFINING EFFECTS OF THE METRIC SYSTEM Miner (loqg.). “ Wony oop to *Icn Park COLLIERY, a’LL TOORN TO ROIGHT ’BOOT CENTIMETRE OOP ROOAD, THEN GOA ON STRAIGHT ROOAD BOOT DEKAMETRE, TILL A COOM TE COMMON, CROSS OVER IT *BOOT HEKTOMETRE TO WHOITE GATE InTO 30 DEKARE FIELD, THEN GOA REET LONG OOP TO FARM THROUGH WOOD, AN BALLAD FOR THE BRITISH VOLUNTEER. Nort famous ALEXANDER, Nor noble Pericizs, Nor any great Commander, Name any one you please, Of his hosts of valiant heroes Had any to compare, With the brave band who defend their native land ; To the British Volunteer. There never were such fellows, Except the British Line, (So don’t let that be jealous) For drill and discipline. Obedience to orders, No matter how severe, As we may say, is the spécialité Of the British Volunteer. One regiment, notwithstanding, This good rule lately broke, Its officer commanding, Withstood—the Basingstoke— And so has been disbanded, To rid the service clear Of a bad lot, and disereditable blot To the British Volunteer. , Some corps at Aberystwith On duty, too, fell out, | And fighting, fist to fist with, Each other knocked about, The Second and Third Montgomery, Had they had too much beer ? And the Captain, fie!. was cut above the eye, By a British Volunteer. Through insubordination The finest troops on Earth Fall prey to demoralisation, And then they ’re nothing worth ; So away, like thorough soldiers, With every mutineer, That would bri Of the British shame on the honourable name olunteer. Leeat “ Instruments.” —“ Soft Recorders.” } “ ROMANCE IN A DRAPER’S SHOP.” So the tale is headed with which Mr. Punch proposes to delight his readers. It is told in the Liverpool Courier. But he is obliged to say | at once that the story is not at all exciting. In fact, there is no romance in it, and its sole interest arises from the truly beautiful way in which it is told by the Liverpool writer. It affords an illustration of the value which a genius can confer upon the most ordinary material, by high-class manipulation. A log of wood is worth twopence, but that log in the hands of a Grintive Grssons became something that nobles fought for. This adventure of a shopman is nothing, but mark how sweetly it is told. We begin with a profound thought :— “In an incident that has just occurred in Liverpool we have another evidence of how the powerful promptings of a tender heart control the more reflective senses of the mind.” Another evidence. Observe the art of the true artist. You have not been told by him of any preceding evidence, but by the adroit use of the word “another” he compels you to all the touching narratives which you have ever read, and thus, having saturated you, as it were, with romance, he plunges your pre soul into his own magic cauldron. The exquisite and subtle philosophy and psychology of the last line need no pointing out—you at once behold the marvellous machinery of our being, and you see the powerful pumpings—we beg pardon—promptings of the heart working at the more reflective senses, and leaving alone the less reflective ones. Now for the tale :— “In a rather extensive business establishment in Liverpool, where several assistants are en; there might have been seen, a week or two since, a young man of com g deportment and of agreeable features, who gave effect to his avocation behind the counter in a manner that was at once inviting to the customers and conducive to the success of his master.” The artist in every line. A more vulgar hand would have impaired thos of his story by describing the business establishment. He d have told you of the counters strewed with the rich silks and satins of the world, of majestic mirrors reflecting the counte- nance of chaffering beauty, of the majestic shop-walker striding proudly about, with a severe glance for the vassals and an obsequious smile for the customers, of the gay and animated scene presented by an emporium where commerce spreads her choicest wares to tempt the taste of opulence. No; the “romancer” knows better. He does not even set the establishment high—it is but “rather” extensive, and only “several” assistants are engaged. Thus, simply set, with a plain background, rises in giant proportion the godlike eure of the Hero. His commanding deportment at once impresses you, and you can hear his haughty order, “’And down that roll of el,” and the next moment you see the blandness of his “ ble features” as he “gives effect to his avocation.” The flannel is sold ere he whips out his wand, and the sharp matron eyes, that ordinarily watch the mea- suring R peer so sharply, are softened for him, and he metes out the material in the calm knowledge that he is trusted. Trusted! Ah, trusted indeed, and with the richest trust—the love of woman. “* With many customers he became a favourite, but with one in particular. More than once—sometimes more than twice—in the course of a week, a carriage would be drawn up at the shop-door, from which would emerge a lady, a tly be- tween thirty and forty years of age—tall, of delicate appearance, but with an outline of features that unmistakeably indicated an aristocratic descent.” The lady would “emerge from the shop-door,” as stated by the romancer, and stand in all aristocratic pride before the counter usually graced by the handsome young plebeian. Nay, the last word was wrong, the romancer himself hastened to elimmate it. Aristocratic love ennobles its object, and he is no plebeian. the wo Pr If the young gentleman—we say young, for he was scarcely twenty-one years of age—” And a very good reason for calling him young. We could not desire a

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Serremner 10, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 11 better. A gentleman scarcely twenty-one és young, and though we are| Pass we by. reluctantly, the record of the playful “ chaff” of envious young at fifty, that is nothing tothe point. “If the young gentleman— | shopmates. who in Dun accents, that no fellah could “Was not at his accustomed behind the counter upon her entering the | Understand what was going on, and let us hasten to the crisis. The sh. Enquiries after him, desiring that he should attend | Young LocuinvaR of verpool was away with his bride :— . proprietor was always too happy to comply with her desire, for she was one of those first-rate customers that settled a good| ‘“‘ Since one iy Jest week, however, the buxom stripling has become account once in six months without the allowariee of the ordinary discount.” ao stir Oe blis ent is concerned, while the face of the lady as well has not " presented itself within the visi of the other ” “ Attend to her and no one else.” Pretty, playful ¢ommand omery ee assistants or their employer . The Sadiicg tock» chagmmer Wis Wetthy of 1) fal qusge coonrees more ests ae tn cn une in such a shopman was y of it) is} guage somewhat more ic, a than us ut havi mimercial, rather than ti- | we are authorised to state that the “non-presentation of the face within the visionary region,” means that nobody in the has seen the lady. 0 We need hardly say that this little obscurity is no but.a proof of of a tender heart the self-exciting power of genius, and appropriately closes the epic part we should all t of the narrative. The idyllic puubion reneaiém, aad it tn chareninely . But here F meat business English—“ she was an account without dis-| |. by the suggestion Of an man of the first stam rie / a ‘which in the course of time fealieds0mn ., This touching incident was not much, but the art with which swarm cortinlity of oumtianent, and a reciprocity of feeling and idea | it is thrown in at the close of , invests: 6 sigui bordering: Rotssxat cately, ne et: t to be overlooked. We have hitherto h m0 , 0 - traced the progress of affection more deli- were. and gewal dere | the We ‘Gre an the = : of Gorges Sanp have more ——_ aud aueadr@ity be = set out tones of love. We are reminded of lines commit erg op weedlah oe and Pe nace she os to Se were even younger than the hero of the tale:— claimed from the counter. ‘We shall look ‘the presentations to ites Sires ea eee a e upon a 80 to: Papeete ogo sie investad witha tho. clemh Giese opty = —_ — = ea 7 Bt meek OM acetone: ae di off on the 23rd instant between ‘the Moth and the Ensign. DRAWING-ROOM AND WATERING-PLACE SPORTING |The Ensign was at his post, St. Pauls, Knighisbridge, (0 time. oth never put if an appearance. er baékers, wiro were all present, touch chagrined. She — _ forfeit, and sent all the Ensign’s letters presents. _ Paid Forfeit Mus. Vane Weatuercock. Onthe 19th . mising ge she did not put in a Lan ce for ~ — ; up, causing great anxie er owner. She pai 6 ogy = ag So forfeit of her former good position in Society. shall to hear |, M8. Vaw Dovsiepotiar, the great Dutch Merchant, great things next has purchased Lapy PeneLore Farturesworts, eldest year Numerous | @@ughter of the Marquis or Harpur. One small engage- matches of a very | ment. for a small sum off in consequence. No love lost. sporting character Trial Stakes—Miss Fuieuty and Captain Jouw Im- have come off. and|?U1SE to start from Boulogne for one day. There are a great deal of love | Some difficulties in the way, but it looks like a match. has been made and |., 2 7sective for 1865.—In the next B nn Annual, Miss lost over the events, | >¥0¥D8, Lapy Sweertrrs and Miss Friiz pr L’Hermess We hear of many | 4P@ to be engaged. Fittz pe L’Herress carries £300,000 young thorough- weight, as a maiden, and with this she ought to win. reds still i Be ill in the| Bachelor's Middle-aged Stakes . Mantua O'Leary, trainer’s hands at | Widow, trained at any pee five years ago of the Fat Brighton, Scarbo. | Buck Stakes, will have it all her own way. rough, : Clapham The colours of the winners{have been chiefly white body, and other places | ®° sleeves, lace veils and -blossom wreaths. noted for their atk The Matrimonial Jockey} i Training Establishments, under the management of mature sharp-eyed its orders to the effect that (there shall be “ spinsters, and hard-working assistants. harp-ey of the races, correct or incorrect. : - F Nursery Stakes,—Of these it is evident we cannot at pre- At o, many rout and sit-down suppers: there were plenty of entries for the sent say anything. But we hope that in spite of all the 4 . complaints with which we have met in various in Among the younger gentlemen there were several Flat Races, which do not call asters, these ell "tbe 15 stectountiom at the’ ar ¢ a wining. post ‘at most of the Mheeplo-chanes during the Season was either - oor Ena nace rey lis ts that M ; p : . rom the Trainin tablishments we hear [that Muss at a George’s, aee ee on "s ; ridge. Of the Langham Gosratenriy. of Bre fon. hes 0 a for the Bromp. ton and Kensington Buck Drawing Christmas Stakes. mt... ween out of their ot in oa » according to the latest telegrams, have Witp —, now at Miss BACKBOARD’s Academy, Clap- ‘On the 16th instant, 9 au., Lany Vatsrnenam Devx-remrs, out of her Hanover ww b sero a oe oe ao oe Daas — engagement: She has changed hands, we hear, but the owner has not yet Picasa, age ti iets roe at Miss Vi D US adios’ Col entioned. . - : _0l- On the 20th instant, 10 «.2¢,, Mrss Faxwy Furr, out of her Oxford engagement, | !®@¢; is much improved, and will take a good deal of beating. entered into during the excitement of the Commemoration. This was not, as we be- iss Atice Beavxyeux, aged seventeen, now at Miss lieved from the first, a ond fide affair. Really Matchmakers should be more | WATCHFUL's Seminary, Richmond, will have to be run in —. ap achelor’s Convivial’Stakes, for Steeple-chacers that h On the 22nd instant, 11 a.., Miss Frorence Fowzezr out of all her engagements. AChelOr § VONVIVIAE SAKES, lor Sveeple-Chacers ave Thate were thirteen in number, entered into at various times under Ballroom, Pic. iafaoed to Soke the ry ie pee an cntinely aan sues. = = een cireumstances. With this telegram comes the information that } "6 *0% p= ny be te woithes sooty sutgiied 8 entered for a fresh engagement with an eligible parti. Future date and warmed from the ting. ‘Wo more st p t from yours, Own. Paid Forfet—The Hon. Miss Many Mors. The match was to have come SapDLE AND BRIDAL.

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[Szpremper 10, 1864, XN NN IRISH SCOTCH. Je . *. * * Lorp B riled the Scotch by stating. that they were originally Irish. Had he seen this advertisement, which Mr. Punch has observed in » Edinburgh newspaper, he might have been fortified in his state- ment :— INVERESK. T° BE LET, with Entry Immediately, or a few weeks sooner, for Four Months, an EXCELLENT FURNISHED HOUSE, within five minutes’ walk of 7 — Station, containing, &c.—Apply to J. & T. Scorr, House Agents, in 5 We think that in the Lyceum days Mr. Wicax, then enacting Cour de Lion, desired Miss Mary Kee ey, then enacting Blondel, to procure him a sherry-cobler. To which order the Minstrel loyally replied,— ‘* Thirsty Sire, I will. Ill fetch it instantly, or sooner still,” and the audience was pleased at the unhesitating devotion of the attached troubadour. Perhaps somebody, then an innocent young Scot, was in the gallery, ana having since grown up into an older Scot (he has had plenty of time) has remembered the remarkable promise, and reproduced .it, with. improvements: A few weeks sooner than immediately is a poetic burst. Are Messrs. Scorr relatives of the author of Marmion ? Music and Medicine. Tue Grand Choral Festival of the Tonic Sol-Fa Association was held on Wednesday last week, at the Crystal Palace. We cannot let this occasion pass without remarking that the Tonic Sol-Fa is, to our taste, an infinitely more agreeable tonic than quinine. PAUST. Tr will be gratifying to all moderns holding Origenal views on Theological Questions, to be informed that, on October the 13th, even Faustus appears as a Saint in the Calendar. Truly, as Hagar hath it, * Phe Prince of Darkness ts a gentleman.” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR BOA EKG. K SS gals | Tal em iil UY ij ~ : W/ If xx : ; Shi , Fant, | / Wee cn eee Wy SS LEN —s 4 ADVANTAGES OF AN IRISH CAR. Mr. Danaiz (no Favourtrg with Mars. MoM, WHO IS HARD OF HEARING) “ IMPROVES THE OCCASION” BY TAKING ADVANTAGE OF A SLIGHT SHOWER TO RENEW HIS ACQUAINTANCE WITH Miss M. GOING SOME LENGTH. Tsar zealous Highchurehman, ARcHDEACON Denison, at a Con- servative banquet, held the other day at Congresbury, East . Somerset, in Laps a toast, delivered himself, with reference to his Church, or idea of the national Church, of the following remarkable climax :— “ Who would not fight for such a Church? Who would not die for such a Churoh Who would not go to the hustings for such a Church?” To fight is something to do for a Church ; to die is something more ; what can anyone do beyond that? Go to the hustings, says Arnon- DEACON Denison. Tothe hustings? Is that a phrase? In the event of dying for his Church, where does the ARCHDEACON OF TaUNTON himself expect to go to ? A CURIOSITY. Iw this hot thirsty weather, this announcement seems to us to be uncommonly alarming :— GENUINE BREWER'S HOUSE, Essex. Rent free; good trade warranted ; cash £400. A“genuine brewer’s house!” Gracious powers! Can it then be possible that there are brewers living who are presumed not to be genuine? We suppose, of course, the epithet is intended for the beer, as well as for the brewer, and the advertisement appears to favour the idea that elsewhere than at this brewer’s house, the beer sold is not genuine, This is an appalling thought to men with thirsty throats ! Time, Wanted. A CorRESPONDENT writes, complaining that if he could only find time, he would do anything for us. Another writes word, that he has been keeping late hours for several years. Surely the latter must have a stock by him. One Correspondent will doubtless be able to oblige the other with a few spare minutes. a ee ee ee ee ee ee ae ae ee ae ee ee UL arom bom Am am ah Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, Whitetriars, City of London, Pri 1 of Lendon.—Satunpar, September 10, 1864. of St. Pancras,in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Bouverie Street, in ters, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of etriene, City of Londen, ana Published by them at Ne. % Fleet Street, in the Parish of St.jBride, City Mullett Evans, of No. 11, the Precinct of —,

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SepremBeR 17, 1864.) S wera er nm ~ SS »> we Sas wy SSN. NNER INSss—g SR TE SY he | 4 | il REN y Mi | ib Mi uy i CABBY AT Hansom Cabby (log.) “ Veit, I always LIKES TO GET a GENT as TOGETHER, AND WICEY-WERSEY. {ij PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Vif Vi | | | f ' iif Li thilhays Md | — hi (HI il iM AC OOP THT H KAFFLC ¥F I» HIS CLUB. Is A SMOKIN’; FOR YER SEE BaD ’Bacca anD BaD FaRE GOES So I JEST SMELLS THE GENT (!) THROUGH THE TRAP A’TOP, AND DRIVES HIM ACCORDIN’!” j Ramway Directors! A letter in the Morning Post contains an | ning account of a in a railway carriage, caused by a lump of burning coke which entered it from the engine. This accident chanced to happen on_the Paris and Strasbourg line, but the like might occur | any day on a British one. The contained “ two ladies in light | summer with one other gentleman” than the gentleman who narrates the accident. “ In an instant the cushions and the trimmings of the carriages were in flames and the ladies in hysterics. I had,” | continues the latter gentleman, “the presence of mind to close the window at once to stop the draught, and applying my paletét, which Pooxe sent me this day week, I succeeded in stifling the nascent con. | flagration.” The Pooxz that furnished this paletét could not, of course, | supply the water which would have been more effectual. Not only was | the paletét sacrificed, but in that sacrifice the hands of Mr. Pooxe’s | client were “ dreadfully burnt to the bone, and” his “shattered nerves | received a shock which,” he remarks, “they are not fitted to endure.” | He adds, “I shudder at the contemplation of what might have occurred | had the blazing mass fallen into the lap of one of the lovely French | girls seated in the carriage.” In conclusion, he mentions that, on the | same line last year, a lady and a gentleman in a coupé near the head of a train were actually burnt to death. These. , Gentlemen, imperatively require you to provide all your | trains with a water supply sufficient to extinguish any fire which may | occur in any one of the carriages. The great danger is not that the fittings, | but that other contents of the carriage, much more combustible, may | catch fire. If there is a lady therein, it is sure to be filled with linen- | drapery. These inflammable fabrics are spread out on a steel cage apparently made on purpose to ventilate them in the event of their ignition. Should they ignite, the consequence must be a sudden rush of flame, and the instantaneous conversion of what we may call Beauty into animal c Well, gentlemen, this may not much signify to Beauty, which would not surround itself with fuel, disposed for a Suttee, if it were not pre- ared, morally as well as physically, to wine cremation at any time. ut what if one of you were the companion of Beauty thus all at once enveloped in blazes? If, Mr. Chairman, tua res agitur, paries cum oximus ardet, how much more when your fellow passenger’s crino- e and all its paraphernalia are in flames? What are you toéo? Put - lady if but for your own sake. But how, without a suiliciency of water Connected with a properly constructed reservoir, a hose, running the whole —— of the train, and sending into every carriage a branch fitted with a stopcock, would enable any gentleman at a moment’s notice to constitute himself fireman to a lady on fire. With this con- trivance you might, if sufficiently alert, play on the blazing fal-lals at least in time to save yourself from being involved in their conflagration, and thus affording a meal to the devouring element. _ The hose should extend into all the carriages, third class and all. Crinoline is worn without regard to circumstances ; and lucifer matches are likely to explode at distances safe ‘from sparks out of the engine. Gentlemen will smoke if ladies will allow them, and ladies, as they increase in manliness, will soon smoke too. ; d “ Husbands, insure your Wives.” This, gentlemen, is a caution which you ought to post conspicuously at every station, with the further warning of “ Doubly Hazardous.” Riddle. (Picked up during the very last Ball of the Season.) Surprosg you find Captain Coome and Miss Briine together, in a convenient flirting corner, “sitting out” a quadrille. Why is that cir- cumstance remarkably like two o’clock in the morning ?—Because it ’s Two, a-hem / ') Dirrerent Ways or TRaveLLinc.—Man travels to expand his ideas ; but agua Bap from the number of boxes she invariably takes with her,—travels only with the object of expanding her dresses. VOL, XLVII, N

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Supremper 17, 1864. | went out to smoke, and think about hy , att. i pl I hoped that A MERMAID’S DIARY. he would think more properly than he but I ; a pnt: Pog by the po don’t believe that he went out very muc uke.

Heard him calling in the dogs, and it struck me that his voice was like | Manrto’s in tone. Read a little more of Ivanhoe, and came on a beau- tiful passage. I am glad Rowena had blue eyes. Tuesday, 8-9 a.m.—Dressing. 9-10.—Breakfast. He pretended to take pains not to see whether I | had any brooch at all. He ean be very funny, and if he took to the | stage I am sure he would excel any of the actors. 10-11.—Such a dear little note from Epwarp’s sister, who | been sketching a certain oak-tree, with a seat under it that just bolts | two, and it is for me. She recollects. Raff up-stairs aud put back her [peed photograph in the book, and felt rather angry with Epwarp for having made me take it out yesterday. Forgave him, however, but did not | tell him so The sea lovely. “I swam ‘four strokes without touching the EpWagpD cme to mans mans eh and said something very pretty about mermaids. I wish he would.write poetry, I am sure what. he said was very like something in . 12-1 P. fag .—Doi roll ews ¢ 8) ~ Why is it called ueky ive one’s 0 anybody one thes seems nonsense, | but after the hairbrush milous I ran. mo, more risks. 1-2.—Lunch. Epwarp is ny, of Frengh joke about his Le Rot des tenet ta soul make a joke in a as The boys Powanp t proposed a i Ev day fr the se, yea agrese deal. Sion hed. odes to the nee Ob ioe lecture on its eg whieh made us Petite Cire cue can aciec ome Sipinfen al LCOLM is ge, and fll'of conc, bat oman st hi aia es abc square her black eyes, emai. | . ‘stared so funnil Phen I took gut C rMour’s, and quietly she need not have begun to graavle. j . that -dropped it into the sea. “Some -—" ight ao it,” I said, “this right in saying eo Mermaid doesn’t care about it.” reatures men are. pope to a+ fhe chilies jana arene He almost scolded me for “ thinking t po. ‘hake" ‘a sacrifice of day. 29 > yall | an Mer” I didn’t think it necessary, and I chose to do it. —— —— Fol — and Ge Cee een rede. 8-10.—Music, round games, and nonsense. I was old maid three 12-1 P.«.—Doing my hair. Broke my com times running. Poxty sang, and she has.a loud voice, which ‘ mb, Be 2.—Luneh, oa my okin at prt Shock, ‘eck ent Ep- | Epwakp praised very fairly, saying that she ho'style and no feeling, | wap’s sister. She may be ay be very good ‘in her way, but she’s a Guy. hes em, bed not the voice for a home. Wondered mether he would notioe it. —To bed. Dreamed that Capramr Szrmour was a porpoise, FE Of course | 224 was swimming round the pier ier trying to find his brooch, and that Garpurs had EpwWarp was trying to harpoon him for that poor | Wednesday, 8-9 am.—Dressing. Heard an awful mime 8 bea who - — for w ay can oe ‘the children, and presently pe ran in to me to show me a beautifu my bed-room, trying to read Ivanhoe. What rubbish it is! doll which Epwarp had sent for from London for her. It had blue 4-5. Took the little © ones for a walk. Scolded them well all the eyes. He had given presents to all the others, because it was Mamma’s way, for they are = the rudest children I know. birthday. How he remembers things!) 5-6.—Dinner.. One of the little Mancoums came in, and insisted| 9-10.—Breakfast. Asked him for tome marmalade, for the sake on sitting next to me, in Epwarp’s place. He made. no attempt to of whispering that some blue- a dolls must eat. How quick he is! move her, and it was not for me to do it. He was very “ attentive and | He answered that “lips, though rosy, must still be’ fed.” gentlemanly, ” and I hate it. I hate. isy. But Lwas as eragions | | 10+19!—Too rough for bathing to-day. Epwarp drew some letters as my lord, and thanked him, in the sw way, fora peach. I will! for me ‘to illuminate. eg were his motto, “Swpere Aude,” and the have it out = — before I write again. | initials are those of my Christian names, SyBiL Apa, which is a 6-8.—I said I would. We all went for a walk along the sands, | very extraordinary coincidence. And he had a ise for me. Such and when he A flere me his arm over the rocks, I told to offer | 8 lovely rin rag —peatis and emeralds. He said he did not wish me to be it to Mamma. The dinner by en him back his temper, and he | jealous of the other children, and ill-use them. The joke nearly made made a joke about his arm and his aed going together. Being relieved | me cry, for I remembered how cross I had been to the poor little by finding that there was nothing serious, I a“ it him well, and asked | things on Monday night. He took pains to mention twice that he had him what ‘happiness one could expect with a person of an uncertain brought the ring with him from London, and I did not understand at temper. I went on as long as I dared, and until his voice began to | first why he laid stress on this. NowI do, and it is jot like his pride. deepen, and then I asked him what I had done? He was ashamed to| He would not let me think he was making up to me for throwing away tell me, and well he might be, though I like his Lagat notice of every- | |that brooch. As if I did not hate it, and the giver, and everything and thing. I had come down to rents without bis brooch, and with the | everybody that could give him a moment’s annoyance ! one Captain Sermour gave me for a Philippina. Tf Epwarp is| 19-1 p.w—Mamma again going on about practising, so I sent humble enough — he was not) he shall see something. We came Epwarp to smoke on the rocks, and I rattled away at the horrid piano- home very good friends. | forte until we had a little crowd of fishé@men leaning over the garden 8-9,— d that the children might stay up and play the Race | rails, Wasn’t I a mermaid, then, Mr. Epwarp? Game, poor little things. ‘They ought to enjoy their holiday, andl am| 1—Lunch. We seem to be always eating and drinking by the sure they are very good. Had such luck at the game, and Hpwarp | sea- side. The boys declare that it is awfully jolly, and talk about was second horse. grub” as if they never had anything to eat at home—the dreadful 9-10.—Music. He has very good taste, though he does not sing, little pigs! Epwarp suggested, gravely, that there should be another and soon detected that Rosa CLARKE (whom I hate) sang false. | linch introduced, about three, in order to enable exhausted nature to He made some nonsense verses to one of our songs, and’l declare that | hold on till five. = were much cleverer than the original. He must sendthemto Punch.| 2-5.—A delightful sail. Epwanrp pointed out the new fortifications, 10-11.—Soda-water and things. When we went up, Epwarp'and explained to us that many of them were quite wrong and useless.

eS ct. Moret TDi ore Ooo rp et me Oct i te’ 00 © +O THD

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SepremBer 17, 1864.) I saw a long article in an old number of the 7imes on the same subject, and though Epwarp did not say he had written it, I should not be surprised if he had, as ‘the arguments were exactly the same, only EpwakD was clearer in his verbal explanation. 5-6.—Dinner. Afterwards Epwakp proposed dear Mamma’s health, and almost seman the tears into our eyes by his feelin beau , and so g language. He speaks like a gentleman: I could have kissed him. Per I did, 6-10.—Round games, and nonsense. At cross questions Lovisa asked me, what was the use of a ing-ring, and CHartey StoTHaRD wered, “To a mermaid.” is was very odd indeed, unless mpting. I told him he had, but he said no, and a ee ee image, I thought. [We have inserted our fuir Coumeapusient’s contribution, but as itis the diary of her —_ ; eee aes . ae j obliged (should y us Y any more her own Coe ie esatetlte Unerephy te Puncn. a “ei sien Lit ee ot aes e is Swells: I suppose T what is called a Swell. N ancestors e in Canute: have never exertised any ° of in- dustry, and have lived sumptuously on th labour of others. I myself amin the Army, simply be- cause I think I ought to be something more than a Swell, and am fit for nothing else so much as for a Soldier. Eo er fellows in a ent, I assure you, 1- consider the Surgeon to be, generally, the most of a gentleman. He is at least as much of one as any of them, and he has; if regu- larly appointed, been made as much more of a: gentle- man than the rest asa much better education than they oreo in whic from pride of rank and birth ut froma’ consciousness of * | “ fourses.” { But imstead of that, he is is'is the sort of fellow that’ thinks it insisti he abasement of Army. 4 i ; Punch, who are insolent to the Surgeon, ‘but only the Snobs. Mushrooms these Snobs are called by men who have'less respect for a mushroom than I have, for I eon- sider it an’ excellent ingredieht,.not an objectionable one, in a mess. Those who term them m’ , will farther say that, inasmuch as i in the Cav the majority of them are Horse paring these bloated and extremely offensive ‘rather name them Toadstools. quite as much a combatant officer as myself. with lances in rest, and we no longer maces. He is as likely to be struck down at ishot, as 1am. I wish no invidious ; im and myself. I would not assign him the uniform of a Beadle. Let him wear that of his relative rank in the ane, or be allowed to dress in plain clothes, so that he might, as ingui from a combatant fool. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 1s | I shall be obliged to throw up my Commission. Sup I am killed in | action, well and . I am prepared for that. But 1 may be wounded. | For that I am prepared too. I am always ready to lose a limb for my | country. But my country must take care that it shall be skilfully | amputated. I expect my country to provide that any oj i Wich its service require me to undergo shall be rmed safely, quickly, and , a8 much as it can be. Certainly I value my blood too’! to allow it to be spilt by a bungling operator. I don’t cue, coer da ee eee ivertisertien ex a in the com- plicated anatomy of your humble servant, 4 Rag and Famish, Sept. 1864. ARMIGER. “ HARVEST CART” IN SUFFOLK. Yow, Jack, bring them ’ere hosses here— Get this ’ere waggin out ; I think the weather mean to cleare, So jest yow look about ! Come put old Jolly to right quick— (There chuck foes isha that nlogu k) ‘here, yow down that plaguy stick), An’ goo an’ call old Joun. Jou bo’, the “ Cart-shod close” well try (Get yow upon the stack) ; I’m sure the whate’s by this time dry— Bring ‘them ’ere forks JACK. Blarm ere chap! Wiis nas wow? Jest look yow here, my man, If yow don't wat to ee row, steady, if yow can. Ope that ’ere gate. Wish! Jolly—Wo! Cop that ’ere rope up, Sam ; Now I?ll get down an’ | bo’, so Jump yow up where | am. Load wide enough, mate,—that ’s the style— Now hold ye !—Di’mond !— Wo-o !— Jack !—that ere boy do me that rile— Jest mind yow where yow goo ! There goo arabbit! Boxer, hi!— She ’s sure to get to grownd. Hold ye! Now then, bo’, jest yow try To turn them nicely round. Don’t knock them shoves down !—Blarm thejboy ! Yow ’Il be in that ’ere haw! That feller do me so annoy ; But Ae don’t care a’ straw. * * * * * How goo the time? I kind o’ think Our fourses:* should be here. : on don’t yow fare to want some drink ?— re’s Suz with the old beer’! The rain have cleared right slap-away ; An’ if it hold out bright Let’s work right hard, lads (what d’ ye say?) An’ clear this feld to-night ! * The harvest men leave off at four o’clock for refreshment, which they call their HIPPOPHAGY AGAIN. One of the Secretaries of the French Society for the Protection of Aninials, in a lecture given the other day in. Paris at the Garden of Acclimatation, revived the proposal to constitute horseflesh an article of food, demonstrating its acceptability with a tureen of horse soup, and another dish of that noble animal dressed 4 la to his audience, and they, including who shall tax them with eating eon f ready cooked, on sale at our Britis: tell the truth, we apprehend that not a few of There is support, Houbtless, in saddle: of horst, b ate disposed to prefer saddle of mutton. How they do Things in the City. By some returns published by the Finance Committee of the Corpo- ration, we notice that the entertainments given by the City upon the entry of the Princess amounted to upwards of £50,000, Sumptuous as the Guildhall banquets are known to be, we suspect that so rich-an perhaps he would like to, be ‘distinguished U: reasonable demands of the Army Surgeons are granted, entrée never gr a City entertainment before. ei. Len a hg syne-pabencciys

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VME: —=I4 La - ~— Md I N . TS him, RAILWAY Guard. “ Now, Miss! Arg you Gomne By THIs Train?” MORALS. Miss Rebecca. “Yes! But I must Have a CARRIAGE WHERE THERE ARE NO YouNG MEN LIKELY TO BE Rup#E to: Oner.” SCURVY ROGUES. Mr. Puncn, r Do you, Sir, consider it altogether a ground for rejoicing, in the interests of humanity, that the frequency of garotte robberies has greatly diminished since the assignment of flogging to those crimes, and the actual infliction of that painful and degrading punishment on criminals convicted of them? I will tell you why I ask that question, Sir. You see, Mr. Punch, that the success with which the cat-o’-nine-tails has been tried as a preventive of one species of crime, is calculated to engender just an idea—a surmise—a suspicion—that its application might prove equally effectual for the prevention of some other crimes. And then “ Suppose we es it”’—is so natural a suggestion. If the cat should be tried further, and found to answer, to what extent might not its employment be carried? I tremble to think, Sir. The other day there appeared in the Times a letter dated from this eo. and signed “ W. F.,” on the subject of “Spurious Lime-Juice.” he writer of this communication adverts to the statement of Mr. Harry Leacu, resident medical officer to the Dreadnought hospital- ship, that patients under his care for scurvy had told him “that they would not or could not drink the lime-juice served out during the voyage, because it was so bad.” ‘“ W. ¥.” proceeds to say that “a large quantity of so-called lemon-juice, which is supplied to ships going long voyages, contains no juice of the lemon ; it is manufactured in this country from ¢ and other acids, at a cheap cost, and flavoured with essence of lemon to imitate the genuine article.” Having pointed out that this counterfeit of lemon or lime-juice is not anti-scorbutic at all, he declares that “ it is notorious that in Liverpool large quantities of the spurious article are manufactured and sold for ships’ stores for the use of ships’ crews and emigrants.” Now, Sir, those who know what scurvy is, will feel that the supply of sailors and ships with good- for-nothing rubbish under the name of a remedy for it, is what may, with an economy of strong language, be called a heartless fraud. The fraud is not merely heartless, it is, with all possible respect for the large manufacturers who are guilty of it, I must acknowledge, positively and extremely cruel. For ote acts of cheating and swindling, you know, Sir, Society is pretty well content with the imprisonment and hard labour at present awarded to rogues, You see, a compassionate public thinks the dis- cipline of the scourge too severe even for a criminal who, by deliberate dishonesty, has reduced several families from affluence to beggary. There is cruelty in this sort of crime, to be sure, but it is a cruelty which the majority of us, Sir, are not imaginative enough to appreciate, so long as it » ro not affect ourselves. What scurvy is, however, most people can understand, and nearly everybody, therefore, can see how cruel it is, for the mere sake of gain, to practise an imposition which must have the effect of letting multitudes rot and die of that dreadful disease. Now this element, you observe, Sir, of cruelty in the manu- facture of sham lime-juice, distinctly seen, and seen also to be aggra- vated by a peculiar intensity of baseness, may, I am almost afraid, so inflame the public mind, as to create a demand that the perpetrators of that deception, being as cruel as garotters, shall be whipped as well. I feel for my neighbour, Mr. Punch, as a respectable man; my neigh- bour over the way. ‘Therefore I shudder at the apprehension that manufacturers of sham lemon-juice may soon bh e liable to be Sane. A ruffian in corduroy breeches and hobnailed half-boots, yelling under the lash is an object that may, by some minds, be regarded with complacency, but I could not bear to behold the chief proprietor of those extensive works, a sleek, smooth gentleman in a suit of black, having his spectacles taken off, and his decent coat stripped from his back, and being tied up and flogged. Could you, Sir? Could you endure hearing the shrieks of a man who had always occupied a proud mercantile position before he came to be placed in that unpleasant one at the whipping-post ? Perhaps you will say that his cries would be drowned by louder noises ringing in your mind’s ear—the groans of victims dying of scurvy through his wicked forgery of lime-juice. This is just what I fear the Public will soon begin to say, and then the authorities of yonder correctional establishment may have to witness what I shrink from imagining—the head of that emiment and wealthy firm undergoing corporal chastisement administered with an energy that will make him howl. I cannot tell you how that sight would shock one whose hatred of a rascal is less intense than his veneration for a person whose deportment and exterior are those of Liverpool, Sept., 1864. A RespectaBLe May.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Szeptzemper 17, 2 — Ss — = > 23a 4 >= ey pase NYY = ——= Ws" Pe, CE VE FEAR THE RIGHT MEN IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

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te Pe CU EUS ESE OEP SESS OH OC U6[hTCCOUCUCURS OC RKOCO RFC CUO cRs |

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Bt ae gs al

September 17, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE L

ONDON CHARIVARI.

QUIET WATERING-PLACES. I aot been sins quitting Winklebeach! I’ve been runing, 10 t I'm coming, to the conc! P sal go really Quiet Watering: ui ~ fusion a y Quiet Watering- is nowhere to be found. This is the statement that I have put the in whose interests, coinciding, as they oo, * with those of my own a We deny it sta ae = eee ares ot And what is like to know? the inlets tote —_ between two as aloe Tf we ceitful notion that we were “Friendship between two men 18 & the two shall do the other.” We are in this world who labour the we have only to be cynical. a aj ieee ssn poss

What we ‘Learn in Foreign Parts. Wuen last we were in nag inharbnn Polete de fertios, and soon found ourselves wande: in inquiring, we discovered that ae ee as) way a intended related to the Enfants eng as a companion refuge to t ee ne ere an the Pas Perdus were in no way These facts were no less new than pleasing to us, and so iaaaliogs we have made a note of them.

A. BSTORS Tat A RETALIATION in page op in, other things, sometimes takes a most savage form. Now look at Indi how we treat her in our com- mercial relations! Because India, us her cotton ginned, is that any reason, We ask, why we should send her ‘our sherries so 1 fully brandied ?

A QUESTION FOR NOTES AND QUERIES, Suprosine you found a back, would‘ yeu; when found, be able by any means “ to make a note of it?”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Szrremper 17, 1864, f YW Ly A ¥ eis a% , | vi ' \ NN! he Ml ih | \ x LUSUS NATURA. Excursion Tourist. “ Most Extr’or’NaRY CRE’cHAR !” Facetious Rustic. “AH! THAT A BE, MEASTER, BRED ON THIS ERE WERY Fa-aRM HE wor, Tew!” AFTER-DINNER PAPERS. (On Various Subjects.) My Dear Misssr Puncu,—Circonsters overwhich—no control—prevented my father Last He forgotit till last moment afer dinner and being toofattgg¢ tired to write kimself we had a third bottle of twenty-can’t gettit nowdays—and he dep-p-puted me to write | ere it is. I am Yr Sisterly—no Sincerely, Tuomas Buzz, Junior. Review of Weather for July. During the pe month, there was a restless wind that blew down its own smoke, and took off the edge of the with its own plane. In the morning, atten i feet above the sea-level. Cumuli_and cirrhi gave themselves up to the full development of ozone; while Summer — Phosphorescent Trains met the Radiating Steamers within five minutes of each other. Thermometer in the Sun at 4°30 p.m. (How it : At midnight, on the 17th, the Rev. F. C. Rosarts of Frant, shot with considerable velocity across Ursa iMajor, and disappeared after traversing an approximated space. (Guv’nor got this out of the Zimes, think.—Buzz, Jur.) f 1 On the following morning the wind returned to France, and, in a test slip, fell between a wet and a dry bath, showing some external signs of discoloration. It will be seen by reference to the table. (At this point I made a reference to the table. My respected parent had disappeared. Yrs., &c., B. Junn.) from his diction I mean dictation. t there, no one knows.—B., Junz.) Startling Cruelty. A Wz11-kyown Upholsterer, whose name shall not be held up to universal execratior, because this course could not be adopted without paifery, undertook the contract for keeping well furnished, repairing and re-decorating the Ophthalmic Hospital. We accidentally caught sight of the bill for the current year. One of the largest items recurring over and over again was “ Rods for the Blind.” Shall the unfortunate and helpless be flogged for their misfor- tunes under our very noses, under our very eye-lashes? Shame! Shame! | THE RIGHT STEP. Tse Bisnor or Limoezs has been publishing a Pastoral. The publication could not be better timed, for if our ancient knowledge of Quadrilles be correct, Za Pastorale comes directly after 7 Eid, whom you ~ ted your Scitific Crospondent from writing you a long count of the weatherof | onth. uated nimbi dwindled into a luminous canopy, whose height was 6000 | THE CONSERVATIVE’S PROGRESS, A SONG INSTEAD OF A SPEECH. \ (For After Dinner.) Morg years than I will own ago, With Expon in his Of change I was the mortal foe, An out-and-out old Tory. We lost, through statesmen heeding facts Apparent to the senses, The Test and Corporation Acts ; There went our first defences. The barriers, thus, of Church and State, Removed, the foe might enter : Still he would be, at any rate, A Protestant Dissenter. a ya we had, — Chief, 0 gulp our indignation At Roman Catholic Relief : Oh, that Emancipation ! One more post gone I had to own; But Act, once , is valid : We, round the Altar and the Throne, Closed in again, and rallied. When soon a democratic storm Did vehemently stir us, And Parliamentary Reform Abolished rotten boroughs. So I, for an accomplished fact, Accepted revolution ; _ Yet, aiming still to save intact Our glorious Constitution, — Tn hopes I might illname outlive, Instinct with spirit vital, New named myself Conservative, And lost my party title. To keep all things just as they were 1 ceased not my endeavour ; Some things which it had been my care To keep from being ever. Municipal Reform to stay We wasted machinations ; Those landmarks, too, were swept away ; Our ancient Corporations. Gone goose is gone ; *tis absurd To mind what can’t be mended. As Pzet advised, I registered, And on the watch attended. But our inconstant Chief once more Im on our affection ; For all the British Lion’s roar, Free Trade displaced Protection. Divorce, to rich ones unconfined, For injured partners married, I strove t, but grew resigned To it when it was carried. . Law of the land ’tis now at last, And I’m the law’s defender, Nailing my colours to the mast, My motto, “ No Surrender! ” I steadily refused consent To give up that condition That kept Jews out of Parliament ; Until they got ission. The wound that made soon cicatrised, *Twas not of serious nature, I stuck to the unchristianised, Still British, Legislature. Now Vote by Ballot I’ll withstand Henceforth, until it passes, And hold as ag te steady hand, The Suffrage from the Masses, Conservative of all that’s past ; Consistent as a martyr : Dear me! I hope T mayn’t, at last, Have to conserve the “Charter!”

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Supremner 17, 1864.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 121 yard (for the on coiled serpent-like round the whole premises), was indeed “GET THEE TO A MONKERY!” Breer ei ey hasan 4 sg Some of us went home then, but the monks (as Carey said) re- NM py Boe of S. Hairshirtus. | solved to make a night of it; and so— WHAT a darling girl| « rating were sung at two on Monday morning, followed by lauds at three. The you_are, my dear- | solemn chant and organ peal from the Convent sounded strangely on the est JULtA, to write night air of our Protestant = ee ia night was 80 that it was heard far away me such a nice oe ee paar on Bln lands bail rung at 8 4¥. ase Bis was ove st long letter! But congregation tollowing wi win i Sees eet, ween tts ji suppose "oe way up the meena sleet 4 sea-side you have west front o } | nothin else to do, | en returned a: Caared dear. ar how Save the Queen,’ and entered the different to me/| That odious Cousin CHARLEY vowed to me next mo that when who, thanks tothe music woke him he thought it was the cats! But = e reflected sweet Farner | that cats in common life don’t sing God Save the Queen, 5 iro 80 wa Pigractus (as|changed his mind about them. He says he questions if Her Mages Cousin CHARLEY = much like having her name mixed up with sham po ish keep mmabag as he irreverently calls it. I’m sure I don’ about him) am so Eat I do know I enjoyed it vastly, based though he thinks it. You ably busy. see, dear, we have no opera in ‘Norwich, and are few and far yang and I’m sure girls should ny ‘thankful to these dear darling Benedictines for affording them a little rational amusement. If it were not for the delightful evenings such as that I have Lan I’m sure I don’t know when I should ever get the chance here of peepee: awhite | attached | dress, and going to.an evening party . Indeed the bei pany ia flowing | robes of white, with a 7 over res oe pn, a ae almost | like going to. "be marrie I’m sure ot that dear Father Su who ms AR, satisfied as f | Gereeier ts erate cape want you to you | you won’ very long before on came, a0 you see 'me in my white dress ite mihi ie to the latter would look better eh fora to do my ; A thousand thonssad loves, dea owe me ae ever yours, genuflexions and | (until I’m some one else’s), Sema Smeue. my bowings pro- ha , ly. : Cuan : DISPARAGEMENT. it ow don’t ye have that other Clown ; y kind friends, hear me run him down! He cannot make you laugh like me ; I’m so much funnier than he. He’s not facetious, but I am. in their like the girl lays. And How pobecie his ehaaee ! processions, like the girls you see in plays. ow imbecile is his grimace ! do you know, te JULIA, on the Feast of en Assumption there was But see how I can make a face. r the cloister to the Chapel, and in the oS a . it the more charming. Fanoy, monks with big Hot Codlins his attempt to sing, 5 rect n dng lt of gold, nad oh the detest iti Bat min il et you in ny in of gold, an e ; bearing incense and more banners, nat wearing snow-white So then, hiss him, and me encore. Got of the sary tt eae at oh ever so much a yard, dear! The red-hot poker T.preten blue tippets and red skull-caps and such splendid pn oy trains. d, Then a few chosen young ladies jomed | in the procession, and from the ad hint le take) . pes ioe following description, which was in «, Norwich newspaper, you may Hs ick of stig on tbe same ough ne, ay st theuh 18, deemed in Sowing hite robes and lo bite vail i'n Sell of lerpee anit gt i, Sisal here wove Me banner with tee words in cetb-of a Hail And he of neither has a bit. ehite-eatin benner of the Virgin rising on alouds of adenine fen x on his | mi payed on the serpent’s head, which f—.| Bitten enthri m t or successor the top of the banner. He’s an old Muff; I’m fresh from school, dear, which of these was me, and you can, fancy And ten to one the greater Fool, priests and monks and acolyths sitting or —— and the white robed and veiled ladies or ‘ ee * effect ve ante Raion 2 as the Latest from es CHARLEY says it must have been as il sa, we had a lovely sermon from der’ Farwun PF al oe Te ee: for you. al ge Moke my Gomeling peels | “ mt as that wretch persists in him); and do you Feo qulesetion. &e. or, he can pf the o raul — feat the drum, at least so . aan salle me, and arta k he a drum in chapel, and most| Quand un gant ressemble-t-il au numéro 25 ? ae it sounds. The sermon lasted porn minutes, which, as the| Quand il est neuf et trés dtrott. (You see? Neufet treize et trois.) paper says, was “ very short for him,” and after this—but there, the sien newspaper sball tell you what came next :— ” UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE. risen rer g tiate the leokame was over if nite dark, onl moon Wuo would be the best “ coach” for a Frenchman who is anxious wax being offered to all who were willing to follow in the procession. Huntreds | ‘© take holy orders ? . St. Hisere. did so, and the paver appearance of the isaapnerehle lights, the waving girs, ie cam 4 res of the bo bors, oat aitention pry day hm geben - aa “Tue Ureer Ten Taousanp.” ~The F—s and B—s in Lodging aman, the of light round the garden and court- House Bed-rooms. pees ".

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {SepremBer 17, 1864, ' SI : i ESS ! |) | SSS RW) FASS SENS i = aa yy fpr By) Ts ed L//, Vr, » + 4, J) V) /4/ | 46 a2: a 8 4 he ‘= a } \7 ee ee A FLUNKEY IN TROUBLE. John Thomas. “ Hotto! Coacuman! Mr. Biuvgers! Stor! Here’s a Costermoncrr’s DonKEY GOT HOLD oF MY LEG, AND PULLING THE Hay ovuT THaT I ’vE PpuT IN FoR Catvzs!” AN EVENING IN OLYMPUS. Tue other night we chanced to drop in upon some of the Heathen Deities. Heré we go up, up, up; and here we'go’ round and round, might well be the of Izton, the Man at the Wheel, of the pretty little New Royal! Theatre. Would’st thou, m fyad, study a page of Lemrrtire? Hie thee to this Olympian lodge, and take a good look at the immortal Buttons, Mr. Joszrx Rosivs Ganymens, who hands round the nectar to the most glorious Miss Juno Cxirrorp, and her faithless spouse, Mk. Jupiter SHore, the premier jeune homme of the celestials, King of Gods-and Men. By the way, let your Gany- mede say no more than ‘is set down for him—ahem! verbum sap. Pallas-Athéné, henceforward to be popularly identified with Mn. SrepueEns, plays her part with all the skill and wisdom proper to the character 0 EMOISELLE TRITOGENEIA. does she, we mean he, merit her own ancient) title: of Arpyrdéyn, the unwearied, and Aaoecdos, the people-rouser ; while her falsetto proves that the tone of the prudent maiden goddess is as high as ever it was in the days of the Greeks and Trojans. But,.oh my heart! Oh, Venus! Oh, Aphrodité ! with your large languishing eyes and beautiful hair! Every one knows what the Judgment of Parts was, and, on our word and honour, that of London must coincide with it: Here Boxkeeper take me away, and restore me with an ice! Can that lazy impudent Cupid possibly be her son? The words ‘seemed:a trouble to’ this young, lady, who ought to be reminded that she is not playing “ Love in [dleness.” To the tune of the “ Groves of Blarney” we may sing, for we must sing, “ that’s the humour of it,”— ** And then to follow, there's bright Apollo, With a golden circlet all about his ; And bould Jzion, who’s quite the lion Of sweet Olympus in the upper air. There’s Hermes raly, can 80 y; And bully Mars, who, while at heart a cur, Does to bicker, he bows to ichore, Oh who can be upon a pas with her!” “2 xéwo:! Cry we with the puzzle-headed Dryopians, Di Immortales / never-say-Di, Immortales, and anything. else you like, for among alk these Divines of Dean Street we’re getting confused and bewildered. He is she, and she is he, the Comet is neither one nor the other, and all $ pers light, bright and sparkling, in the Classical Greek neighbour- ood 0 0. THE ENTIRE ANIMAL. Ws read, by Star-light, that, at the Congress of Malines, one speaker was for acknowledging no country, but merging all national distinctions in the sole sovereignty of the Porz ;.and he was loudly cheered for his suggestion. Pope, Pope, Pope, hooray! nus sum civis is not exactly what this enthusiast wished to be able to'say. The Roman Citizens want to be freemen of ‘United Italy. If the devotee of Pro Nono, who would fain have the Pope-Monarch to rule over himself and his associates, were to state accurately. what he desires to be, he would say Romanus sum serous, Perhaps he ‘would think it hard if the law of his own country were to constitute him an alien, and his fellow citizens or subjects were-to treat-him.as such, .and. turn him out. It is a pity that people who, like this thoroughgoing Papist. wish to transfer their allegiance to the Porg, and there were many of them at Malines, cannot, all of them together, go and occupy some uninhabited island, there to be governed by’a Papal Lord—Lieutenant or Legate, or, what would be much better, by the Sovereign Pontiff in person, holding his spiritual rule. as heretofore, but exercising his temporal power over a contented people. His Grandmother. “ Poor thing! very painful!” said Old Mus. Bowxrne, (grandmother of the lamented Tom Bow ive the darling of his crew), on reading a letter from her nautical relation, wherein he told her that he had seen the Needles right in the eye of the Wind. Ancrent Latin Stance ror Reapy Monzy.—“ As” én presenti. Printed by William B of No. 13, Upper Whitenars, City of London.—Saturpar, September 17, 1864. 5 pe Oh Thorn Place, mm the Parisa of St. Pancras, in the Coun ‘ of , Printers, at their ice in Lombard Street, in the Preciact of Waitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No. 86, Fleet Street, in the t Middl , and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of of London, and "Ss, Fleet Parish of St. Bride, City

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ' A BROAD HINT. WHEN WILL OUR TRAVELLING FetLOw CoUNTRYMEN LEARN NOT TO MAKE SUCH GuYs OF THEMSELVES ON THE CONTINENT? IF THIS BRITON WOULD ONLY LOOK AT THOSE THREE YOUNG FrencH FELLOWS OPPOSITE HIM, AND LEARN A LESSON OF TaSTE, WHAT A DIFFERENCE IT WOULD MAKE! FLYING LADIES. Tue last novelty with which the French Goddess of Fashion has endowed her votaresses, is a bold thi f in leggings; long high-heeled boots, “extending up to the calf.” Calves! Well. Plush, in the shape of bonnets, decorates heads; what next will it set off, think you, Mr. Joun Tuomas? The new chaussure wherein the ladies about the Imperial Court admire themselves and each other, and amaze man- kind, appears to be preg eign the Napoleon, and what we may call the Sykes or house-breaker’s lejack. Adjoined to the becoming articles of feminine apparel above described are walkin ing-sticks, equally becoming, made of ivory, prettily mottled and speckled, wherewith the booted belles, models of the Jeaw see, strut about delightfully conscious— ** Of the nice conduct of a clouded cane.” Hooped petticoats, high-heels, and walking-sticks! What more can_Beanty desire, to {attain the tion of costume, but a steeple-crowned hat? Only one thing. Approximation to Morner Surpron requires the addition of a broom. That would indeed be pretty ; and useful too. - The other day, according to a ph in a newspaper, a lady, on a visit to Dover, was blown over the pier, a depth of thirty feet, into two or three feet of water. She was not much hurt e wind, which caught her dress as she was standing on the top of some steps, let her dowh lightly. Fortunately it did not carry her out to sea, where, without a rudder to steer her course with, she would have been lost. This however, suggests the possibility that ladies might be enabled to fly by the suitable arrangement of a fig! ty style of dress. With a very slight expansion of the present circumference of hoops, a lady might, at pleasure, by adjusting her Crinoline to the direction of the blast, at least in a high wind, get cungnt up aloft and transported through the air to considerable distances. She would thus, with the help of a broom, serving the same pape as that of a bird’s tail, yrosipaly accomplish the art of Sing 0s practised by . SHrpton and her sisterhood. Of course the broom would be an ornamental one, a fancy broom, the broomstick gilt, for instance, and bound with green, blue, or red morocco leather, or otherwise decorated. . Crowded thoroughfares and pik places, now subject to that grievous obstruc- tion which is evermore created by Crinoline, would be relieved of it as often as the wearers of that combination of parachute and some distance 0 The broom would at any to the witchery of that French ladies have adopted, and The Ilustri needs only aj ar with a broom the elegant i icoats rose from the pavement, or promenade, and took inn of rate be a most efficient adjunct style of dress which h ladies will copy. ustrious Lady who rules the world of fiddle-faddle om added to her rig-out to set hion of wearing brooms. No doubt the example of the Empress or THe Frencu would be fol- lowed by the great majority of the female sex if h perial links were to take to wearing rings in her nose. Ir was a Friar of Orders Gray, Who ’d preach in Munster Square, At the Church of St. Mary Magdalen, And crowds, I trow, went there. Now Friars of Orders Gray, you know, Must walk about barefooted ; But to some constitutions this Is not exactly suited. So after Brother Iewatrus Had daily shown his toes, One morn, says he, “ Good gracious ? I’ve got a cold in my nose.” From his home he sent a letter To the Shepherd of Munster Square, To inform the Fold, that a dreadful cold Would prevent his coming there. Oh, wrathful was the Shepherd Of the Flock in Munster Square, And he bounded like a leopard, All up the pulpit-stair. And says: “ The Friar of Orders Gray, Whom ye came here to see, Has written a letter just to say, That here he will not be. “ By cold and a sort of hoarseness, He’s of his voice bereft ;” At this, with a touch of coarseness, He pointed over his left. “A monk, forsooth, with a cold! in bed! his head, His conduct’s niminy-pim’ny ! Why, a cowl’s of no more use to Than ’tis to my smokeless chimney. * If we’d given him forty or Ser end, Or one of those sums twice to We shouldn’t have heard, A word of his dreadful co ** Of course you nag es the cause, There ’s nothing to be earned ; We don’t take money at the doors, Or it would be returned. ** But Z will preach you a sermon, Tf you’ll be content with me,”’ And he preached Sweet as Christian charity. “Oh, beauteous are those feet, they say, Who press the Hill-top dews ; But a modern Friar of Orders Grey, Ought to walk about in shoes.” On Dit, er Im- THE MODERN FRIAR OF ORDERS GRAY. | 123 } are *d have found, on the Dews of Hermon, In the Scotch Athletic Sports which took place in the presence of the PRINcE oF carried off most of the pri * Who is that ?” as the stalwart t Wates, one Donatp Dinnz rizes. , ed his Royal Highness, pointing to peasant, “ The Dee-side Champion, Sir,” was the answer. “ Dee-side Champion!” quot pleasantly, “ That he is, Dee-cidedly.” . VOL, XLVI. 0 h his Royal Highness,

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cer PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARITVART. (Supremurr 24, 1664, FROM OUR ILL-USED CONTRIBUTOR. The Temple. ‘HINGS are y gy intolerable, my dear Mr. Punch. I will not .stay in Town any longer. One owes a duty, of course, to one’s employers, but one owes an oldér and higher duty to oneself. I dare say that you do not know who wrote the lines, “I see a hand you cannot see that beckons me away.” Well, I do ‘know. They were written by (Bxroatas Ticket, who died in 1740, and (previously) wrote ‘in the Spectator. They «ame into my head when J owas seeding sa teal nde eat a reat Noi when I beheld a painted ¢hand posing the-way to the trains. feel that I must depart from Town, and I abstain from leaving an address, so that your tyrannous ‘indignation may have time to expend itself on your menials instead of me. , show your slaves how — choleric you are.” I assure > you that I am acting in your - interest, if you could only see things in light. I don’t —. want your money. Limpets - from the rock, a biscuit soaked in sea-water (the artist’s break- fast in the House of the Seven Gables), a few shrimps—such is ee for me at the sea- side. Anything but the silent and solitary system at the club, though the luxuries io samnen are an the carte, and stewed partridge is not the worst dish in the wor ive'walk.in London, it is the south side of If there is one deli and instructive the Strand. Emerge the deep solitudes:and awful cells of the Temple, and turn your respectable nose Westward with me, my frien t can we not see as we slowly wander with our faces to the Sun, who, by the way, makes a mistake in sent. Mr bs-ghaed in.7onr eouateial yen taelet Lotiaguishs tee oneatenmians of ment. -For in your eyes, you canno i coun ces 0 those you meet in time to avoid those whom you do not wishto meet. Posterit will twist the Strand a little, and amend this fault, unless the Sun himself shall correct it by some ion of the precession of the equinoxes, or some rectification of the altitude of the azimuth, or other astronomical reform. But let us be bold. The slothful man saith, “there is a lion in the path.” We shall mot see any lions (even at the Nelson Column), and we will hope to meet no bores. Let us commence our course of study, even before we pass Rs. Cumup’s book closet. I would modify Dr. Jonnson’s sly thought, as we go through the Bar. {[ would be loth to. have my head upon it, for it is the only head I have. But I could be well omg were my name “mingled with those” of depositors in yon aged Bank. ou, Mr. Punch, might—but I say no more. comes to him who knows how to wait. And I am an excellent waiter—ask the lovely girls on whom I attended so sedulously at that picssic at Hampton Court, at which to my deep regret, Mrs. Ericurus was prevented from attending. Look at all these wonderful instruments in this window. Here is a thermometer that tells you how cold it will be on Christmas Eve next. Here is a storm-glass that informs you what kind of weather you will have on your birthday, next year. Here is a telescope, very cheap, that will enable you to hear the doves cooing in the planet Venus. Here is a microscope that shows you that your skin, which you look | at so complacently is coarser than the sail-cloth of the yot im which I hope to be } when you read this. Proceed we. Whose fairy fountains are these, and why doth | that golden ball dance in the water? ‘Read the thanks of your Sovereign for an | unequalled filter. Now.we come to philtres of another kind—love-charms. Here is a window full of delicate devices in gold and silver. We are past those things, my friend, but a set of handsome studs would be acceptable to me, and your taste is unexceptionable. You will think about it? Bless you. On then, nor pause to note that array of portmanteaux and traveller’s bags, or you may tempt me into | e. thoughts that may carry me away before my tim as I amdoing now. Let us look at these photographs, There is you, my friend, and there is I, but to neither of our fine faces is justice done—let us proceed. This is a fine:shop with its plate glass and its ivories and dressing- cases. at ancient Forges led through a fair, pleasingly remarked, “‘ What a number of things that I do not want?” Halt—for it were highly convenient not to be run over by the fiery steeds and scarlet carts which bear a name I think I have heard before—the mame of Smiru. Each of those carts, my friend, would furnish matter for an talkimg to you. When will the ‘res remove that portrait of the fat priest-of ‘the Anglican per- suasion, whose countenance pet rality’? LT mever ed towee'the name. say he was a good man, ‘but Tam of his arose. as.a -great photo- raphic chemist—observe ‘that noble Wikemess of the and recite to me ‘the best from Lnoch Arden, while I.smoke a cigar an ‘thisairy s f prefer going.on. Be itso. Hieredsenumielligent lay w \welleth Pamnan delicate statucttes—remember when you have caused and re iustate yourself in the of Mins. . This’ Somerset Honse. mewwhenee tits mame, who built it, Audit Office? and what is the usedf the Tthavesometimes met men who could resolve metthe‘ixst*twod@lemaniis, never could I get an answer to the third. Wor the duilit is a sham. Boys are sometimes sent by mischievous os gentlemen to run:in amdwask*the Porter for ne a of audits ;”” but¢they eemeeut-bewailing-antl ag their ears. Do you see’thatwatchefage ‘high up ‘below a window ? I was told, ae child, Ba a ery nats oe ig repairing t: was i on a nal and seal it ibekoved tia, shader’ dife learned that the little dialwas put there:to‘test the power of certain Government ‘teleseopes. I immediately disbelieved every- thing thataey mele hadever‘teldme. Observe the moral, if you thawesany nephews, my friend, and never tell them lies | that can be found out. Pictorial art is in full blaze as we proceed, and it is de- lightfal to think how muchof it one can buy for a little money in these days. But if we are to linger at this great book-shop, we must give up the afternoon to it. The mere titles, if carefull make a man ‘fit fi leetual = hand, I plun ; here, for I have a fine taste for books, so the proprietors know what to expect. This is Waterloo Bridge. You remind me that Oawova said it was worth coming to England to see it. Canova was a great man, but I love not his Dancing-girls. Let.us discuss the true principles of sculpture. No? My friend, the Strand is lost on you. Anybody can stare into windows, but itis the lessons ay suggest which gives value to the walk. Hereare telegrap: wires—thick as an elephant’s leg, thin as a girl's skipping- rope. Recite Tewnxson’s Skipping Rope, and say why it is not in the later editions. Or come on, for I cannot listen to. a preachment over these wires, and } ence binding nations together—we get all leading articles, apropos whereof, here is the office of that excellent journal, the Globe, a most readable paper, very shrewd and epigrammatic. Do you know who writes the Paris letter P hat is the Latin for «a9dmep ? Why do you want to walk faster—we cannot dine before seven—what could we do with the rest of the evening? You want to consider the dinner before ordering it. O, my friend, this is luxury, yet include John the Gilt when you are meditating on our fishes. “What beauties does Flora disclose” as we pass this ine of sweet odours onee ACKERMANN’S, as in the days of Tuomas Moorz, who bade the Marchesa come to the Palace,— ‘© With the newest No-Popery sermon that’s going : O bid her come, with her bright tresses flowing, All gentile and juvenile, curly and gay, In the manner of ACKERMaNN’s dresses for May.” People could write in those days, Mr. Punch, no offence to you, Sir, who can also write. I perceive your glances across the ro No, the‘pietured Leah is not there now, ere is the office of the great | and the real Leah reposes on the broad breast of Ocean, but Illustrated newapepet, the treasure of all homes from China to Peru, and this week | he is bearing her back to us, and she shall be welcome as it has a portrait of [ grieve that he should waste years in unravelling Prussian scoundrelisms, chiefly of the vulgar sort, but we truly great men sometimes cast ourselves away for a time, | Homas Cartytxz, Talus with the Iron Flail, destroyer of Shams. | the flowers in the month above mentioned. Ha! There will be no more sense to be got out of or into you, now that this fountain of sentiment has been unsealed ; so come essay—it is rude to yawn, my friend, when a gentleman is | ted owner of this picture-shop | eth of port wine and plu- | I have been lookingwat it.for‘fifteen years at least. ro dieaee || Se roo wsece sce

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TR eee Tt o- @Pr.ses oo ee +t Peer ew PUN ENS oS z 2 t 2 L ) 3 L ) f ~~ 7, RT OF OT hee “PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. Onane aa nt g bd yo B. re, —_. tim _ new e Thir whom I present. you a fancy sketch for the commencement of this letter, and so to Pall I will give you the remainder of the Strand lecture in the winter. Punch! If the above paragraphs donot convince you that I require of air, they convince me, and the man who is afraid to act up to his convictions is a potted — and not in the least like Your affectionate and absconding Contributor, Ericurus Rorunnvs. RAILWAY DIFFICULTIES. AnticiPaTING, at this) slaek time of year, letters from Travellers. by- rail to the Zimes, we beg: todraw the attention of the itinerant Public, to the existence of m difficulties om the Cruxregis Line, which render the journey-frem the Metropolitam Terminus to Capfield, less le and enjoyablethan it might be. These difficulties, attracting to themselves but a-very:small share of popular notice, have existed for a long time, ever _sinee, in fact, the formation of the Line, and may By way of illustration; let us suppose the interior of a first-class City, eho has clzadeaiboole ity, who has family breakfast table, im order the same carriage, a Jumor strengthen a novel f tering a financial article ; aeparting . a pape contaiming the wei bees latest state-of the odds, with 1 it is necessary that pea beeome ecimeiperesinted if he is to “pull off” anything at the next-meeting ; @ Stock Exchange man, who, wishing to be on a footing with the Banker, tries to engage him in a semi-spo conversation as to the searcity of coverts,. the shyness of the bi ice of land. : b te ea oe i a, oa e disturbed by a stopping: ral tunnels, cutting, at brief intervals, into their reading or conver- Elderly Gentleman: (after nodding and smiling to his travelling ac- quaintances, unfolding and folding his paper, putting on his spectacles, and casting a glance round the carriage, as if exercising his glasses for the first “ that morning, settles himself down into his seat and says), Well now, et ’s see. (Catches sight of the heading “‘ Money Market and”—Train makes as if going to start, every in the back-to-engine seat is jerked Sorward on to every one in t. ena. seat. Every One (on the back scat to every one else). Beg pardon. Eld. Gent. (recovering himself). That was rather a jerk. [Ail assent by smiling, nodding, ing their heads or making a guttural noise. The Train doesn’t move, and those nearest the window of course look out, and draw in their heads again, not being very much wiser for their inspection. Guard (to some — who knows ail about it). All right behind P (Zhrows up his wildly, and is about to whistle.) [Train moves back suddenly. All the JSacing-engine passengers are jerked against the back-t ine people. All the facing-engine (to the others), Beg pardon. Eid. Gent. (who by this time has got as far in his paper as “* Money Market and City Iht—”). Dear me! That was a jerk. [Avery one’ assents as before, only with less smiling. Guard, Now then. Allright? (Whistles—engine shrieks—puff—puff ' —jerk—jerk—and off.) [Passengers have some difficulty in finding their places in their news- papers, after the interruption. When they have mastered this— Hid. Gent. (reads to himself), “ At the commencement of busi-*) ness this morning, the first bargains in Consols——” % ing Man (to himself). “ Entries for the Godolphin Stakes | 2 of 5 sovs each with 100 added, for——” = Junior Partner in Bank (to himself). “The theory upon this { 3 subject advanced y haw es financial reformer is——” | Stock Rechange Man (trying .to attract the Junior Partner), Are | = the coverts good in your part ? J (Junior Partner looks up—Steam—Shriek from Engine—Tunnel. Experty GEentLEMAN drops his paper and stops his ears. JUNIOR Partner shuts his eyes, and tries to delude himself with the notion that he is dozing. The Memper oF THE Stock Ex- CHANGE: says, sotto voce, “ confound the tunnel,” and tries to make up his. mind upon the subject of closing the window. The Srortine Man Jeans back and looks at the vacantly. (All, on emerging from the gloom, re-settle themselves and re-com- mence. Eid. Gent. (as before). “ At the commencement of business,” &c. be | stops at a small station. Junior Partner (as before). “ The theory upon this,” &c. ee Man (as toon “ Entries for the Godolphin,” &e. — tock Exchange Man, I was saying that little covert in—— Steam—Shriek—Tunnel. Every one does the same as before, and the Stock Excuance GentLeman has just mentally deci closing the window, whem-the Train issues from the Tunnel. (After the third Tunnel, (there are about seven between Capfield and London,) any study of the morning papers relinquished by everybody as utterly futile. Conversation is atte .) Hild. Gent, Great nuisance these tunnels ? porting . Yes. Sock Exchange Member. 1 heagthatthere’s a great scareity of covert | s year. Junior Partner, Well, yes.. Nov-turnips:. Eld. Gent. Ts there any American news this morning there seems to -be very Junior Partner, Well, there isa. rumour of ~~ 5 It’s not in the . hut a meeanenel anaes i he Lombards’ House, after business hours, last might ( greatly ta by which we were informed that—— [; i All collapee. Almost immediately after coming: out of Tummel No. 4, the team wards—and inspeetion of tickets. No further attempts at conversation are made, and after a rattling, shaking, blinding sort of journey, alter- nating between sunlight and visible darkness, t agrive at the terminus exhilarated, freshened, and ready for their day’s worl. NASAL EDUCATION. to write this in its praise:— | “I am not surprised to learn that orators, clergymen, lec- | turers, authors, and poets give | it the preference, for it refreshes | - the memory.” This statement may be | questioned, but we think | & the fact quite possible, and we have certainly no eyvi- dence to show that it is not | so. We have often heard | of persons remembering an | SS paar ger pep eaeed a ee SS scent with which it is asso- | [ws ciated. We know that | Jones, for instance, never | eats roast goose with its interior concomitants, without the smell | thereof reminding him of how he snatched a kiss in his early days of | courtship, and how his Jux1a reproached him for approaching her when he had eaten—sniff! she need not ask him what. Instead then of denying that the nose affects the mind and may invigorate the memory, we would | take those facts for granted, and see what may be made of them. If smells refresh the memory, why should not the nose be utilised and trained as a mnemonical assistant, and used in ‘education both at | Colleges and Schools? Were a student to read Homer with some refreshing perfume besprinkled on his handkerchief, that scent in after life might freshen up his knowledge of the Jliad and Odyssey, and call | to mind some classic beauty he might otherwise forget. a.tough roblem of Evctip might perchance be brought to mind by a sniff of | u de Cologne, while an argument of Pater t be stamped upon | the memory by a whiff of peppermint,’ascending through the nose. Tf scents can thus be utilised, a competitive examination would be determined in favour of the man who had not merely the most ows, but the most nose. This at least would be the case supposing that the power of smell be enjoyed in fair proportion to mere longitude of | nose. Whether this be so is more than we can say ; and we may leave | the point to be decided by those persons who may deem it worth determining. } Paraissive Pronritory Liquor Law.—The support of Mr. Pumeh oo on to any measure for permitting the prohibition of the sale | 0 r. \

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SerremBer 24, 1864. SSs a om SS - Enter Bachelor Brother (who has come from a long day of business). a Grinding Ruffian to sketch from.—N.B. With regard LI] j / VE) MM) SAIL Ti , A a we oe, V Am, CT EEL LLLLILMYTE A, ELA A a a j, L4 ES Lf vA Ce a se oe SHOCKING INCIDENT IN REAL LIFE. “Tat CONFOUNDED ORGAN, AGAIN! ALTHOUGH I TOLD HIM TO Go! Bur—Paew ! !—My pEaR REBECCA, WHAT DREADFUL ODOUR IS THIS IN THE Room?” [The truth is, Rebecca, who is passionately fond of the Fine Arts, and of everything Italian in particular, has had the Pifferari, and to the Organ-man, we can assure his admirers and supporters, that neither the individual nor his habiliments are half so foul as the English (!) language he can use when interfered with. LETTER FROM MR. BOSWELL. To Mr. Punch. Dear Sr, I write without the knowledge, yet I hope not at the risk of the displeasure of my Venerable Friend—it is needless'for me to say that I allude to the great and good Dr. Jounson—to invite your polite and candid attention to a fact which is not only in a high degree interesting in itself, but which is almost invaluable when we regard it as a new ano of the sagacity of that remarkable man. Semper vigilant in ede ares. When the authorities of the City of London were about to construct the bridge which was at the time destined to be adorned by the noble and illustrious title of the Ean or CuatHam, but which vulgar persons have been permitted to call by the commonplace and local name of Blackfriars, there was considerable controversy as to the best_ method of building the viaduct in question. My venerable friend, of course, adopted the cause of good sense and of sound reason, and advocated a plan which was not ultimately adopted. His letters in the Gazetteer are among the most favourable specimens of his multifarious wisdom and it is difficult to understand how, when’Dr. Jounson had favoure the public with his opinions on that or any other subject, they should fail to carry conviction. But nemo omnibus horis sapit. The City authorities—gentlemen whose urbanity and hospitalit T have not the slightest intention of denying—were unable to see the extraordinary force of Dz. Jounson’s arguments, and the work was entrusted to a countryman of mine, Mr. Myung, of whom I have every desire to speak with respect. Little more than a century has elapsed, Sir, and the bridge has ceased to be a safe or commodious means of transit. Temporary appliances produced temporary security at the cost of unsightliness in the struc- ture and obstruction to the navigation. The bridge is already in course thoroughfare is now a scene in which Hibernian labourers contend, with frightful -and profane exclamations, for the honour of causing the largest amount of destruction within an allotted ‘period of time. Were | I permitted to be jocose, I might playfully say that the Saint, Neromuc, to whom the Greek Church superstitiously assigns the guardianship oi bridges, because a legend asserts that he was cast from such an edifice into the stream, must smile in derision upon the ruins of Chatham Bridge. But, Sir, when the reputation of a sage—my good and vene- rable friend; Dr. Jounson—is at stake, it is no time for levity, and I am reminded by himself that dulce est desipere tn loco. circumstance that Dr. JoHNson was dissatisfied with the plan on which the bridge was constructed, and that little more than a century has vindicated the great philosopher’s wisdom. It might not be an un- worthy recognition of his character, and of the profound sense which he displayed in connection with the subject, were the new bridge to bear the honoured name of SamvEt JoHNsON. pliments, in which they are cordially joined by, dear Sir, Your very obedient humble Servant, Elysian Fields, Sept, 20th, 1864. James BoswE Lt. Indisposition of a Clerical Performer. Monk. He was not forthcoming, but sent to say, for excuse, that he would perhaps be hissed. of demolition, and that which should have been for ages a metropolitan | My design in this communication is to recal to your recollection the «SANVH WHAHLO OLNI ASVO TWHL LAd LSAW I ‘INDWAIDNVUUV WIAVOINV NV LOWwaaT Mrs. Boswe.t and Veronica unite in sincere and respectful com- Brotuer Ienatrus was announced to appear at St. Mary’s, Munster | Square, last Sunday week, and preach in the character of a Benedictine had a bad sore throat. There is reason to believe that this is true, | otherwise the next time Ienatrus made his appearance in the pulpit, he |

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A VISIT TO MMYNHEER VAN DUNK. on this tramway at the Hague, I at my elbow, “‘ Now here we see good hath agenius for mechanical invention even ini illo thas cloncost dinerurnet, Gebold, ap eames old, w carriage; and, my words, I pte wa this ing os dialogue between the Dutch Sub-manager and Dutch driver Dutchman (hastily). Now then, where ’s them ’orses’ cloths, . Aven’t got ’em ’ere. . Aven’t - *em ere? Then why the—British “em ere must beia:good place to be idle at, for there and no nice cliffs to climb, and no nice you can do there, if you want some iE fe BRers ose a ee ie! HE oe 35 i HE | f 4 ef : 4 5 5 é [ i i by the clerk; and as train just when he pleases, you will if you haute 40 40 asleep. Then i ee a Dara Bull and = qpreead REMBRANDT: our eyes w: tchen ‘Tunters, the mi hime of Mixass 5 hoamnalaied-d Van- sana of Jaw St =. eo “ rigged x in eries, an a little cmager ga left 4 what clever fellows you eee SSS58 let look the pictures of happiness and health American or Briton. This railway is no doubt of | + »| wild deer, his feelings maste seagate | sas ee iow Moreover, et et tint ea dal undeniable ; and O Brother, yousean Try yr a trip throug’ 7 mountains more, for lieve me, Punch, my bhooogy,; etcetera etcetera etcetera, * (On the Present High Price of Meat.) Cannot adulterate his beet” “ Yes, love, indeed there’s truth in that: Bey anne skeet Se smd Vv inl deme t dite cae!” “A LANG LEGGIT CALLANT AWANTING THE BREEKS.” Mocz is said about the civilisation of the Highlands,and the vd adoption by their inhabitants of ish habits and manners. We rejoice to believe that the mission of is successful in the north. i aiveeeene See oe eee that ch all the teaching of the English tailor is inadequate ‘to put down ancient superstitions :— OUND, a Pair of TROUSERS, ona Stair in Argyll Street, on Satur- day Night. Apply to Wini1am. Anperson, dc. He could bear it no longer, that poor Donatp YLADLE. He had endured the persecution of the Saxon garb throughout the week, but as the Sabbath approached, and he thought of the and the i red him. He tore away the Sassenach fetters, and bounded away due north. After all, it is of -so ill takin’ the breeks off a Highlandman. We — the child of nature = recommend ANDERSON to a brief interview with # child 0 Where Next? Puncx is requested by His Excellency the ‘Master of Ordnance to the Surran or TURKEY 0 contradict.a statement that the Master is removing tie time-honoured ruins of . He has nothing to do with it. The Vandals who are guilty are the Chatham, and Dover Railway Company, who;require the site of Troy for somevof their new es. Pi seraglio Point, Constantinople, Sept: V4th, A Snvcerz Protestant writes tous to-say, that, he mever likes to an one is sure to i re terhname But everywhere you. g, , who for, li ict have love ica; hated, cil antl obliging; the Deich impart a secret to a Devout Romanist, is go and Gi fie Beads. Enea teke sacemanctamaetie es ie olga wile hie acSie, imma apace ii. Hii

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ee Pe en a oy ‘6 as Ree ROY Sos . ys aici PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CH Hikceds. aa ss ae: ARIVARI. - [Surreuser 24, 1864, A FRIEND IN NEED. Conductor (to Influential Passenger). “Now, Str, Sax WHEN.” | / DADDY’S PRIZE. ae eo a were the veg uring a whilst under a hedge, to cumbeat 9 Mite hog whp was semaing by, halle out, | ‘Daddy’s gota prize.”—-CoLoNEL Fane, at the Bicester Agricultura? | Association Dinner. BenzatH a hedge of late walked I, *Mid acres rich and wide ; — When a small boy came running by Along the other side. His father was a labouring man, Tint stil th : a ae at still that urchin, as he ran, Cried “‘ Daddy ’s won a prize!” “ For what, my boy?” Iasked. “A wife, And twelve on us,” he said, ‘* Without relief in all his life, From parish, Daddy bred.” ** Good man,” said I, “ His earnings, whai ? If you can tell me, speak.” He answered, “ All as Daddy got, Twelve shillings was a week.” “* Well done! His work no doubt was hard, And moderate was his hire, Now tell me, boy, then, what reward Was given to your sire ? A well-built cottage, I should guess, To hold for life rent free. Of course they couldn’t give him less, That ’s what he got, may be?” “ He! Naw,” replied the little lout, “ A fat-lot he enjoys ! O sitch a pair of just about New spick-and-span cord’roys ! ” So saying, he pursued his way, And, with receding cries, — Kept hallooing, ‘Hip, hip, hip, hooray ! y! Daddy ’s won a prize!”’, Wuerery do France and Ireland most resemble each | other P—In Aésint-heism. QUIET WATERING-PLACES. No. IL—GWRYSTHLOGWDD (Conrmvuzp). 7 2M. A Beautiful Summer's yen .—Before knocking at the Inn- door—it struck me that it must indeed be a very quiet where one had to knock at the door of the hostelrie, in order to attract attention— I surveyed the exterior. It was everything in a rural way that could be desired. Honeysuckles, wild roses, and tame roses too for aught I know, mingled with the ivy, that, in climbing up to the roof, almost hid the windows from view. I cannot say whether it was the ivy that mingled with the honeysuckles or the honeysuckles with the ivy, not being a horticulturist, but the effect led me to ex- claim, with much feeling, “This is indeed quiet ; this is indeed’charmin here could I stay for ever : let me enter within the pretty rustic poreb and make inquiries.” _ I fancy I hear a growl. No doubt about it. Within the rustic porch, right in front of the door, lies an enormous dog, of a shaggy and uncom- promising appearance. Let me see: let me try to remember some anecdotes of savage animals, and the way to master them. There’s no’ like fixing your eye upon them. 1 do this, and he fixes his eye on me. I advance one step: the intelligent animal lifts his nostrils u uiveringly, and displays his teeth, still growling. If I retreat, he wil ‘ollow me; if I advance, it is evident that he will be down upon me— very much down upon me, I say “ Poo’ fellow, there, poo’ old f’low! ” and try to appear as if I wasn’t afraid of him. He’s not to be taken in—evidently a dog not to be trifled with. *Pon my word, ’tis very wrong to leave him out here. It’s very Tous. ere’s OWEN’S mate, and the rest of the combatants? All disappeared. My involun- ing at this moment towards the beach has roused my canine — detective. He is on all-fours. I never saw such an uncouth beast. have been since informed that they are very common in Wales, and run about loose over the mountains. The inn-door was suddenly opened by a gentleman, who (es ently ascertained) filled the lucrative offices of Boots-and-Stableman ; this undaunted person said grrrrrrrrrrr to the dog; and the animal, who I subse- | tak was nothing more than a bully after all, making a great show before a stranger, slunk off, growling and gurgling within his hairy self. “Ts my portmanteau come?” I inquire. A buxom, trim-looking, elderly female appears. The Landlady, doubtless. Yes, a portmanteau arrived. There it was. Mine? Yes. Now, if you please, would you show me toaroom? Can’t do that! Why not? use there isn’taroom. Oh! “At least not empty. You see, sir,” she on to explain, “It’s Saturday.” This did not at first sight make the case much clearer, and strongly reminded me of Winklebeach and the Butcher. “And on Saturday, you see, Sir, there’s them Excur- sionists——” The what? “The Excursionists from Bangor, Beaumaris, and all such places. Lor’ bless you! and we has ’em from Chester too, sometimes, for the fishing and picni .” I sat down on my portmanteau. “The pleasure parties” (Pleasure es! confound *em?) “all stops here.” Bright idea! I will go where the pleasure parties do xot stop. Come, Boots, shoulder my rtmanteau to the other Inn. “The other Inn! Lor’ bless you! there ain’t no other Inn!” But I can’t get back to Beaumaris. No, they say, I can’t do that. Well, then, what canIdo? I want dinner anda : only for to-night. Landlady looks at Boots, Boots at her. They’ll manage it somehow, ‘There are some young College gentlemen, who are on a reading y, as wouldn’t mind my joming them. They’ve got the sofas, and a mattrass or two, in the parlour. I can have a shake-down under the table, or on it, if I like. Here’s a prospect! Where are all the people now? Oh, they’ve not come in yet? They’re out fishing aud amusing themselves: some have gone out to the coast by Llan- dudno, shooting Puffins. Did I ever see a Puffin? No; the Puffin! What’ll I have for dinner? As usual, what have they got? Well, there’s a nice piece of beef. Good! the very thing. “They had that for luncheon,” says a neat waitress, who has been summoned to the conclave. Who’s they? The young gentlemen from College. Well, what else besides beef? A nice cold fowl. Good! By all means, fetch the fowl. Waitress is afraid there aren’t much left o’ that. It turned out that there was nothing left of that. “The young gents had en it out, with some Tongue, t 6 as ae! might be hungry. What young gents? Them from College. bh! Well, what ¢s there “They ’re a cooking dinner, now,” says the Landlady; “ but

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8.—While are preparing the tab Galop, Se ar at don, tn fall vow of the Mens, Stents | wh There is a air about this place, that inclines me to commune Collegians with m in my note-book. The hum of the insects soothes me. I ie ee not I don’t _— what it is, it sComliaety She ian mering. eg Boman smi y is saying som to me. eo aword. She gives near enke to hammer) that they can accommo- | roar of with a b pense, © Sane They ’ve got an old iron | “ We*ve which Owen is nailing together. Oh, thank you. Is it in fact, of the hammering. Oh, thank you, again. She

nd owas, I bl Kiet; tha’ wed dace in name en at eee Evan , Or Evan Owen or Owen Evan, for 8'30.—Whoo-whoop! Who- ST i dati T hate shou! oe eae the approach of savage Welsh tribes. More ced we are, again!” cruhseglalilied a shestiog etal the arrival of the Three Jovial n. hing | having my dinner erstand (by gor is wan pte e 8 ried tie wilt cai hte ese Yes, ——— na Ee toad b whoowhooping ! More poor

They say, “Oh, mending thing or other in th — all ight! am pci < mec th stgeey Amer — by at h some or other in the ri mse Wi ceremo’ great deal of ham-| that I have a ; and asking me whether saat poke I should earl & “it A a er e the £ Such laughter ! roam AF ed ,”” said the tallest, “a very quiet bere bees to iet ! i It may be ; but not another day do I'stop I can help it. Dimmer.

PUTTING BRITANNIA ON HER METAL. Letter from the Poet Laureate of the Fleet. tuther ‘weak i went toa Wedin. it were My kneece’s Wedin (m’a Jane Swizze feons'd Wittleress) she — JANE 1 me, 2

pone thro’ and we dun Din’r (kon- sistin 0 ‘an hung in a alderman’s chain off eppin saw- sages) i may jist;hob- serve there was 4 an 20 on us sat down to that Re-past xklu- sive of hinfants inn i Propos’d - bride’s Bith 2 &e. hand then inn doo Kourse i was Kawl’d on 4 a Song—i made hall sorts off toh sich as i’d got a Wiolent kold inn My hed—roomytiz inn My shoulder setera setera—but it was hall of no Awale—sing i f inn publick since rd H.M.S. the Water-Mellon (were itt was jene- raly allowd i The fidl peau mane a cians Sereemagee Wilim inn @d Soosen is my authoritee 4 this similee) i s up my hold faverit Stave off wich o’ kourse yer honer knows the korus— “ Arts of Oke are our Ships.” wen lo! hand bhold the Young Engine- here busts into a larf off 2 hunderd orse . it warn’t wherry perlite you ’ll say—but howsum dever i didn’t mind—thinks 1 two aang 3 my young felr y you mayn’t hav many more ewe of larfing (for m’a JANE wok de wfal Temper—harntray new as Mounseer wood say—like her own blov muther wich is my, sister Mus. Swizzuz off the old wan tromp a four sed)—howsever 0’ kourse that’s neether hear nor There—so 2 resume. wen i

axed him for a x on off his misterius konduct he sed i was bhind the Age— that i wus a ip ob winkl hand add nas ot Oke bin asleep 4 the last 20) yeer setera tats to tawk off ships as “ Arts of ” was habsurd, hand ne Beas) i wus lit! better t. poon myself. Wel i took it hall inn good utt as soon as i got home i sonched 2 fe cote my litle Wabbler owe 6 pens udin fruntispiece with A swete lit] cherub as’sits up aloft 2 keep Watch 4 the life off poor caox) be hand on lookin at my lit] Wabbler i seed that Cuartey Dis- pot Py ae bark (same ve litier jolly eer em yi 1) =— Legge a yg - For ag me terary lingo, 2 make neptune’s es quite att home aboard of our ironklads i must take of his ae shoes hand putt ee ti 2 his feet. kordinly i sat down hinn my snugery with C chest 4 a ritein des hand hammer’d away hatt the poole: & Stave 4 sed, till 4 got hall the wood out hand the iron plates hinn, wich * Puttin Barrawyer on her metl.” i now NERED Srm,—1 day} d ———

umbly wentur 2 Beg i b hallowd 2 dedikate this pec tabi frp # form 2 your honer as Ist lord of the Admiralty, if so be its true that you ralely hold sich a position, and if. you don’t, hall i can sayis you ought konsiderin the sarvice *ve renderd the country ever since you 2ve been at the. of Yours 2 kommand inn haste, Tomas LirtLz _kall’'d Lone Tom Scrooge’s pry ep door 2 eee). 2 Admiral Punch, head of the Fleet. (See balad below, ‘bya frend 0’ mi is a Skul se mah as fay as isa e- *ARD AS OAK ARE OUR SHIPS. -| Come, cheer lads, why look glumpy and queer, Cause “shinee any tanbers™ no more youswill hear British Lion his ~~ § Lion with Is cast in a mould, that ’s all right.in the ?Ard as Oak are our Shi (ane af least ot often), Ai shiek loon ae Feels all over unsteady, *Cause he can’t cut his name on their Starns, Brother Ben. A Screw by an old Salt is not much admired, Bat quickly our Screws will shell out, when ; Let ¢ isundssenes lone Og use vame beaut ar Blips if the fee think it trange, are our E ‘oe 8 Gn our deltas lstihin/ioeal-he Will find hot For his goose, bed or Fe: SO a We ne’er see a Warsman at anchor in But we ’joice ’cause no dry-rot can make h And - ees well made are by Maups.ay or Penn, Won me half so so crusty as some Captains we ken. Talk Oe Oak! if there’s none in our craft, Brother Ben, *T will be found, 1’ll be bound, in the hearts of our men.

EQUALITY BEFORE THE TAX-GATHERER. A Writer on “ yoy mye F in the Saturday Review, expresses a hope that certain we turers have learned to apply the true test to the com- a taxation of earnings and of realised property,” ani **They are concluded by their own own admission that it is not the business of the tax-gatherer to correct the inequalities of fortune.” Just so. That is not the tax-gatherer’s business. Therefore an improvement on our present arrange- ments, which have been — with some little regard to the inequalities of fortune, would be taxation imposed with * Tins actin pilideetintes aie body wh ne uniform y on everybody whose fortune it would not exceed, and on everybody else to the extent of his whole fortune, ee — the perfection of that indifference to ,the 6 a of fortune which is not quite reached by Sched

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LITTLE CHICKMOUSE RASHLY ACCEPTS THE OFFER OF A DAY’S PARTRIDGE-SHOOTING. Gamekeeper (to Little C. who has kicked up @ Hare). “ Now ror tr, Sm!” yu healooee Nis hanvar of PRE “ Wett—vact is—I'p RATHER rou’D— Loox ’gns, You ‘oLD Taz Gun, TWO BBARLS IN ONE SETTING. | ‘TRAVEL TALK. Suz this jewel of eyes which appeared the other morning | _ 7#¢ Last Man in Town. Hallo, Captain, how is it you are not out of in one of our Cheap | — 5 Town? | The Last Man but One in Town. Because I make it a rule never to go .a CHILD to WET-NURSE. Aged 26. Good health.— | out of Town until after everybody else has returned to Town. =e ee ds A mae Man. Carious! and might I inquire the reason of that ite. commonly addressed or talked of as “old Strange whim, pray! time we ever heard of a “child” being of| The Last Man but One. Because, Sir, by this means I avoid all the . In extreme old men come to what is | intolerable rubbish that persons,— because they have been for a few miles re not such babies then that | or for a few days on the Continent,—think they are priviedes to bore ‘ child of six-and-twenty | their friends with the moment they return amongst them. . Of all bores certainly to our notion appears a little 1 think the travelling bore is the one that goes to the greatest: | : which appeared in the same | in his powers of boredom. The man who goes to the top of Mont newspaper, seems to there are “ children” who require to | Blanc should be condemned to squat there for the remainder of his life, be nursed when they are over twenty :— | to prevent his ever touching on the subject in any other form’ after- | wards. [Exit into the Club in a good rage. NUBSE. WANTED, in a Small Family, where there are three children, | age not under 20. Unless these eluldgen al be it seems to us absurd to call this TRIUMPH OF HOM@OPATHY. family.” can a y be small that has three great) Jraztaw doctors bled Cavour for typhus. If Pius raz Novra had members of an “age not under twenty.” We wonder, are | been ALEXANDER THE SixrH, they would be suspected of having been these children still attired in bibs and tuckers, or have they yet arrived feed by the Porz. Cavour died. at the maturity of pinafores? And we wonder even more why a nurse} GzNzRAL DE WILLISEN, Prussian Minister at Rome, was seized the Is she to keep from falling out | other day, with “.perniciosa” fever. The doctors did not kill him. is r window, or from ap nling into fire ? He she to take care against | His physician was a homeopathist. The only cure for the perniciosa ; their too much pu , or swallowing too many ar YF or}a sort of ague caused by malaria, is quinine in large doses. That suckers of their thumbs? Will she have to take these “children, | remedy in those quantities was not prescribed for GgNeRAL DE Wit- age n sates em » Out in aperambulator, and will she box their | risen. The General was physicked with globules. He died in a few ears if they do not s gite quiet 1m, the while she flirts a bit with | hours. Perniciosa fever alone killed him. Typhus, apart from treat- some fine soldier in the Park? A hundred other questions naturally | ment, did not kill Cavour. So homeopathy triumphs on the whole. oceur to us, when we find a nurse is wanted for children so advanced in | age; but although we put scme of our questions here in print, we have | + aa : no wish to be bothered by receiving any answers to them. _ | For tHe Tastz.—The best covert for Partridges is—the Dish-cover. | no, thi | whene | Shay k | righ ei , Naam ern. Street, in the Preeinct of Whitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No. & Fleet Street, in the Chy William Bradbury, of No. 13, U Woburn im the Parish of St. P; in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Bivens, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of City of at their Office in Lom 4 Parish of St.{Beide, —-BaTunpar, September 2', 1864.

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Ocrozer 1, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 133

— < AL ; MU \ i nn i Ts Yi Ne I at

STATION. Miss Tremmles (who is nervous about Railways generally, and especially since the late outrages). ‘‘Ou, Porter, PUT ME INTO A CARRIAGE WHERE THERE ARE LaDIk&S, | OR ResPecraBLE Porte, oR—— | Porter. “Ou, You’RE ALL Sarge THIs Morntn’, Miss; YOU'RE TH’ | SENGER IN THE WHOL’ TR’INE, EXCEPT ANOTHER OLD Woman.” THE DIFFERENCE ABOUT DENMARK. A Duet. Between Count Bismarck and Fant Russe, BisMARcK. Tue Danish affair Europe views ._ Arrived at a nice termination. We hope that you will not refuse To acknowledge our great moderation. We have not dismembered the State Of Denmark, by right of the stronger ; We only have lig tened its weight Of the Duchies it couldn’t keep longer. We ’ve dropped the demand to be paid The cost of resisted invasion. What clemency we have displayed On this very provoking occasion ! As we have seized less than we might, And stopped short of total exaction, We trust you will do us the right _ With our work to express satisfaction. RUvSssELL. *T would better have pleased us to hold Our tongues, than express our opinion; ° But since you will have the truth told, Your invasion of Denmark’s dominion Was as needless as it was unjust, And Denmark you have, with faith broken, Dismembered, if that which is must, And not that which is not, be spoken. The Duchies, of course we expect You’! bless with a free Constitution, And let them their Sovereign elect, Seeing that is the only solution That peace can in Europe maintain, Observe, you two Powers that broke it To assert Nationality’s reign. ; Now, put that in your meerschaums and smoke it. ,

Morro ror THE SourH-Eastern Company’s REFRESH- | MENT Rooms.—“ O Swallow, Swallow, flying, flying South!”

_ Tue TRavetters’ Cius.—We never heard of it, unless it’s an Alpenstock. ONLY Pas-

| FROM OUR MUSICAL CRITIC. I spay Punch olefler I’ve jush been to Brum, no, Birmingham, to hear SinGER—mean shay SenroR Costa’s new Oratorio, and I’m qui | intox-hicated with delight. Of course you know its name is Namen, | no, thatsh not spelt righ is it? And the muse-hic is worth namin | Whenever ‘You’ve an operatunity. But I shay isn’t ita Q, no, mean | Shay kewrious tribute to influence of ScacHUMANNN (I doe think that’s | Tigh either) that Senior Costa shou compose an Orootoriorio about Naaman a Shumannite ? ; No time to shay more, because it’s after dinner, and the postsh jush going, so I remain yourshtruly. lessh me yes of course qui forgot to sign my name, bur you know war it is don’t you? blesht if I can recomember it.

f ANOTHER RAILWAY ALARM. Ry Woman (as the train stops). Tell me, my dear, what station is 8 Little Boy (looking out, and seeing the name, whatever it may mean, written in large letters on a conspicuous board). PANKLIBANON, Ma. Old Woman (after satisfying herself with the same inspection, begins screaming violently out of the window). Here Guard, Guard, | say? I don’t want the Panx1iBaNnon Station. I am foing on to Red Hill. [It_is only ajler considerable difficulty that the Ov Lavy is con- sinced that PAaNKLIBANON 18 not the name of a Station, but of some mysterious article of manufacture, which no one has been able as yet to explain. |

Rousstan ApsoiutisM.— Che Czara, Czara.”

SOLUTION OF A DIFFICULTY. Everysopy knows that there are in existence two skulls of OLIVER CRoMWELL, and that the smaller one is satisfactorily explained by the | curator in charge thereof to have been good Kine OLtver’s skull when | he was a little boy. We have now a somewhat parallel case. At the | Archeological Meeting at Warwick, Loxp DensicH exhibited the | dagger with which Fexron killed the Duxe or BuckincHaM, Mek. | THISTLETHWAYTE, of Hampshire, has also the dagger with which the | deed was done. Were it necessary to choose between the relics, we | hope that we know our place too well not to give the verdict in favour | of the dagger belonging to the nobleman. But there is no need for an | invidious selection. FELTON was a very determined man, and no doubt | took a dagger in each hand, and brought the bad duke to account by | double entry. It is pleasant when an archsological problem can be so simply solved.

Paved with Gold. Asxep Mr. Disraktt, the other day, eaiat would have been the effect upon England if this year there had been Gold ins ?”” We hardly know, but we think that England would have been very | much astonished, and would have believed that in laying them down a | first step was being taken to realise the provincial idea of London, | whose streets are paved with gold. ‘Ihe question illustrates the gorgeous | Oriental imagination of the Conservative leader. |

GOLDEN RULE FOR BRITISH TRAVELLERS. In most towns of the Continent, you may be sure that a little good | English goes a great deal farther than any quantity of bad French.

VOL, XLVII. P

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' | | as | } } | soup, * Teg aay If you —— any more you must holloa.” It wasa|gave me many opportunities of joining mi their conversatio ’ PUNCH. OR ‘THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocromer 1, 1864. » Seeing | the whole, rather ye defend me then from Mrs. Owsgn’s worst!) and oceeds : born a year come Pe por we be he on us’ in famaly, THE SCHOOLMASTER IN SUFFOLK. and 8. stamman aight o pedien that’ there Bor Jon mm; : owdest du gollup ad his troat sure no And though the Brum HopcE agen his most | fairmers sah as how their wate be cheap as dut its deer respeckfle dooty unto Mister | enuff to poor min like myself as arn but nine shillun a ey age = oo fh week, oat hev a fammily to feed with it. So I remain i ms ‘Watt semen whieh he yor most obajient humble sarvun, Asrum Hope. ev eggs Tractan om the P.8. Sir, Will yow plase tell the Rector tew that m . ~- y yams Sa oe ie Sls om ache eds ANTED, a good Church- ow the bellers durun req ani W man soqueinted with Schoal i woulden char, ay northun for his. sarvice. But the rector t to conduct an Adult }he must find a new shoot o clothes to dew it in, Broning Gahood Seen “Mihesinen eneanhin oud a uns be wore up.@’most, and as his Sunday Music desirabie, Work woull be /ja¢kit be a gittun ‘rather for him I’m a’mest afeard found on the land, or “ tradesman the sleeves ud come off in the:-blowun. alee ee * Anglict, know. tor of St. James's, mear Halesworth. Axsrum Hopes he want ‘to now* if yow would think me FASHIONABLE DEPARTURES. shooted for this here city at wation, fur he hev hed -a:site Soni eaions ae. of skalun when ZT wér “Bin} Our Milkman.—To‘Obalk Farm. ‘year owd, and i ken m Our Tailor. —Po Great Coates. * ship and Pigs as well as Our ‘Solicitor.—To + upon the land, whieh nahh Our Newly Married friend.—To Edenbsid: » I were browt up to. And Our 8 ‘ingy Unele-—‘To Flint - blame it! arter;mawagamsech| Oy, Ravecuite Preacher: De C——e).—To St. ‘Bees:and okkard animals as io its |} St Tves. little more ner aa oe 2¥! Our Gook’s Cousin.—To ig manajun Adults Our Usual Beggar.—To Tatters Moone 0 pepo Mons vow shuld. se Oss Ui! Benpa” So darel, wd Skye. Frolic, and yowd sah | heva stammun good strong Wice, and baint afeard to use it jie. So fur as I now,* Sir, I’m.a torrabul “good churchman,” leastways I] Tue fol allys go00'rto chuteh when them air loaves is giv awah, and ’struesyoure born I | Offices -— | dem now* as: I iver wint to sleep lh the Sarmun. So I humbly ax yor pardun| .,, batesiis fur a dressun yow this year, but I hope yow’l sah.a wud for me respectun that there | t,. Govern | plaée,*fur times baint over grand with me, and incloodun the bor Bixty as were | tration, Car QUIET WATERING-PLACES. Hullo, Stranger!” another —, that went through my head like a cannonade. o you wan I explained that soup was my object. More laughter. Scissors was | No. IL—GWRYSTHLOGWDD (CommrrvD) —~ - 4 ate a no more soup. I could have’ the tureen if I liked. Rah M.—Ar this hour we dined. When I say “we,” I mean the| “If you’d only sent word that you *d been coming, you see, J. W. H.,” | bree Jolly Companions from College, and myself. The name of the first | said that young gentleman, “ would have killed the fatted veal.” More —I call him the first, because he was the t, strongest, and loudest | laughter, during which the waitress enters, to know what we want. | of the penta, as I gathered from the other two, Scissors. He had | Strange to say, one after another deny the fact of ringing. | another name, I presume, but I didn’t catch it. The second wasknown,| ‘“‘ The Stranger rang,” growls the Gorra. among the fatade of hie his youth, as the Gonttia. I need not:dwellupon| “ Ha! ha! ha!” Shouts of laughter. the peeuliar fitness t this title; if Du Cuamiu had = him, he —— ym Lam obiped to own that I did touch the bell, and am in the foolish | seed serve him ri and | position of being unable to say for what purpose, Mite 3 d., a always “Sherry,” suggests Scissors. spoke of himself in the third person, as J. W. H. “ A bottle of vy orders the GorILLa, surilily. I .was very ; “so were they ; ” and this announcement on| “J. W.H. is the boy for sherry,” says the least of ‘the Jolly Col- | their i they outnumbered me by two mouths, was.on |legians, winking at me. Mrs. Owsn sends in aa 7 fos ( ae | | There, Strange said the | eee this appellation, by the way,| Oft as I have regretted my want of a C pmahe a never felt there was a roar of "saber tely giving me the first ladie-full af the want of it so much as at this moment. ‘The cheery mee oto whic very and not quite Tull; I smiled,as cheerfully as possible, | was no more able to avail myself, than if I had been dining with the | by way of answer, thereby wishing to intimate that I should be ready | chiefs of a Red Indian tribe conversing in their own native tongue. to “holloa” in a very short space of time. I hate holloaing,and should} J. W. H. would ask, for instance, “ Did I know Baxter of Corpus?” have preferred say politely, “ P pe Scissors, if my honourable friend | Well, I didn’t, and though I tried’ my hardest to interest myself in an | will permit me to mre him so, will you kin dly oblige me with some more | | anecdote concerning the aforesaid Baxter, yet I could not but perceive, | soup.” “The others were still hard at work with their spoons, Ee of | that my ignorance was a subject of pity to my companions who, while | course, though I had finished in less than a minute, I did not like to | BaxtTeR was on the apis, did not even try to make their remarks | intrude my wants upon their necessities. J. having scarcely swallowed intelligible, his last spvonful, had no such scruples, and at once reached out his| It was much the same when Scissors n, “ Do you recollect old | ate to Scissors. 'Saura?” Well, both the |Gortmsa and J. W.H. recollected old | “ Allow me,” said I, ng it ky him in my 1 Cenat manner. | Samira, and for the matter of that, so did 1; and what was more, I said “ All right, "Stranger. , i laughed at this. W. H. is the boy | so. This astonished them. 1 was about to observe, jocularly, that fer soup,” said J., speaking of himself. It is but ‘entice to him to say, | Samira was not such an uncommon name as they might imagine, when | that he was the boy, not only for soup, but as it afterwards appeared, }the GorILLA inquired ° ‘whether I meant Smurn of Keys?” for beef, ous, tart, cheese, and anything that came to ta As| “Of Keys? No. The gentleman I was alluding to was neither a I handed late, the Gorrtia was in waiting with his. My | locksmith, nor’ turn came next, but ISSORS Aye wept to get another plate-| Roars of laughter, i in which I joined, having evidently made a joke fall, while I was ringing the bell at the request of the GortLLA, who was, aa; knowing it. in point ef fact, much nearer the bell-handle than I was. «J. W. H. drinks your health, Stranger, and that of Keys! ” SSEeESSE & Bw £onw Be Fr>

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| rash, I have escaped by the window, and am | | inside Ocronsn 2, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVARI. ‘135 Ha! Ha!” Whereupon I near choked myself in my heartily, and drink to J. “Ha! H. at one and the same | s endeavour to laugh Ww. The Gorti1a here rose from [his chair, and slapped me Celentiy on the back. He said he had heard it was good for that sort of thing. Thank you, much obliged. Should he do it again? No you, not w Keys,” , ioe, ape me was spelt Caius: but I wasn’t to be = in o tike t pec and the Least of the 44 cLGE. F ioe gE a q the open are happy. Let us stroll out. A Po mga mony agg A hn come ia. By all means. rain all th ES 3 | i: i F Pecks epee: od , “I think I should like to go bs of Tourists I attempt to demonstrate that the Tourists, though undoubtedly Snobs, have the advantage of us in point of numbers. , caleeen: of that?” asks Scissors. Well, of course I say, not nile: | .S instead of our licking | the Tourists, who ovidentls | are, I a ae it ah a in the Tourists — has commenced. “ Gentle- | Pe ody. “ What the blank—who | 4 3 — sie into him. I hope a 4 Vv smaspou— Bow-wow-wow. Wet sh mi i cctgeerh; ohare © lreadtal state o ition; also Evan, Evan Evans whe én dri icing in the tap. Qwan’s mate will 4 ED ina in mek strong Welsh. Rowtin on. Fearing’ lest I might be led to do something viewing the exciting scene The boatmen threaten OwEn Owen. OweEn’s mate hits somebody, who has not yOu —~RA ite varlous pLuL | gom from a safe point, in the rain. OWEN — retorts, scuffle, scuffle. | eee Bang, AB; bang 5 the midst of this I hear the rattle of wheels an fone feng of 2 awhip. I wish I could be —— away; but I can’t see | any vehiele, and very soon I can’t 11.—Bang, bang; crack, crack ; see scuffle. Mrs. Owen is tic. I endeavour to console her. She says if I was a man I would ‘a it. What was I doing there, es out in the wet? I do believe she wantéd me to join in the I showed her how unreasonab. > she was. “ Nonsense fault, what did I come se’ poopie oe the ears for? if it ied Soon for me, this wouldn’t have My dear Mrs. OwzEn——” “What did I say—oh ~% I was rte hing 2 at her, (sob) when she ’d cone everything to ) enonteaeahien, but not again would —— herself out for the likes of me, sneakin, ung about in the rain, while le were being m (louder) murdered, in-doors. Oh I needn’ t | = to hush her, (Jouder) she knew what she was saying—and—and’ (here she became Very violent and vague) “and she wasn’t going to be put upon by an Outcast!” (By “an outcast” I believe she meant me.) | “Oh, Ineedn’t come soft sa’ Come carneying her.” The row saddcaly ny and general attention was attracted towards me. ' * He ain’t been insulting you? ” says the Boots. I! insult a female! And what * : more, my hostess ! Come, we ’d better say no more about it, and get in—“ But I ain’t to be bandied about and put here and there in this manner~no, not for the Emperor of the ‘ Lane — lot of ’em.” Theoretically i in- appeasable by the b tentate, or potentates. afore- said, she yet allowed Monit to oy! nal ed by Owen the Boots. 11°30.—Every one has subsided. Those who one lucky enough to have bed-rooms have gone to them. nee is being fitted up for the ae. The Co are smoking and laughing in the porch with some Tourists, with whom they have now fraternised. I am writing on the only sound chair in the place. The iron bedstead, which OwEn was mering at in the afternoon, has just been brought i in for me. It ap to be ——— constructed of loose pieces of sharp iron, pears painted blue, and | screws. They have no mattrass, but produce a couple of blankets. If they will bring in my portmanteau, I all able to—ahem!—the waitress understands me’ and retires. She returns. “ Did the gentleman bring a portmanteau?” Did he? Why she saw it. She doesn’t recollect. Well the Boots saw it. “He don’t recollect nothing of the sort.” ‘Well the Landlady saw it. In the passage. Oh, yes, the Boots remembers. Good fellow the Boots. Gave him sixpence. “ It was the one with the label for Bangor on it.” Yes, yes: sharp chap that Boots. Well, where was it? “ Well, Sir, Evan Evans’ cart were here in the middle of that there row—” Well | well! who’s Evaw Byaws? * The old deaf Carrier.” Well! “Well, he took it oft al oe ee. Confound Sova smacking of hye EH the rattle of wheels. am Evaws! and I’ve been standing in the raim all the evening. MUSHROOMS AND PROPERTY. er practical 4s ~ ae pe geen wf value ‘arid arrival of Owen Owewand The row has become’ general, | —— =. Y= a> SSA) == there be no common pro- perty; ne no common air even, out of public buildings, rp in the public roads Let there be no more wild strawberries or blackberries. In some of the Western States of America blackberries are an article of commerce, might be here, are good for pies and j pam, might be “an in Covent Garden. Make blackberries arenes hips and haws Neither let there be wild plants. Many of them are > medicinal ; herbalists drive a trade in them, Byebight w wa i tom a ord to twopence a bunch, betony and wi much. delion—why, it is worth no end pi gx ahaa PChildren should longer be allowed to make monkey-chains out of the flower-stalks of All herbs and flowers called wild have at be a wild flowers; let all flowers grow. Gathering them girls, guilty of —— e to be sent to the House of this valuable simple. botanical value; let there be an end of belong to the owner of the ont on = the ae y | ought to be made larceny, and little bo daisies and buttereups, should be Correction and whipped. Butterflies: are worth something as entomological species. their chase, in which youth at present indulge with impunity, sh — stituted an indictable ~— on the part of all unauthorised and the right to pursue and capture tliem should be restricted to the roprietors of the fields and meadows over which they flutter, or to the ied of the Manor. It is high time to discard the antiquated notion that there is any such | quality as ; wildness inherent in any natural production so as to e it common property. This is one of the fallacies which we have derived from our illiberal ancestors. ‘The landed property of this great country is to a large extent passing from the han: heredi aristocracy into those of our merchant princes, a more as of men, who, having made their fortunes by ——— know what p y is, and what ought to be property that is not how to make the. most of everything. These are the true exclusives, who only seek to éxclude others from the acquisition of Cw agen without paying for it. The doctrine that there are some things uncultivated and at large which nobody can claim, and anybody may take, is a relic of feudal barbarism. The new landed gentry of Englandjare too wise to permit all. manner of rsons to run about over their estates gathering mushrooms. They ave too much respect for a mushroom. A Turrp-Borre Coyunprum.—When are the Funds unsteady ? When money is “ tight.’

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroner 1, 1864

4 wt A | se \ il A * VAP. ae Say | Zs r i] SLY 1/7 | = \ A LITTLE BIT OF YORKSHIRE. (Horse Carrio anp YorkKsHrIRE Horse-Baraker 10 STEwaRD oF GREAT Ma MEET ON THE RoaD.) Horse Critic. “ Watt, WILLiaM, THAT’s 4 NICE-LOOKING COLT, WHOSE Is IT?” Horse Breaker. “Wit, Six! Tat DEPENDS UPON CIRCUMSTANCES.” Critic. “How so?” Breaker. “Ir rt Torns out WELL, IT BELONGS TO Mr. B. (the Steward); BuT rou KNow, Str (with a sly look), IF TF TURNS OUT Bap, ft Betoncs to My Lorp!”

THE DUNDEEMONS. (Ballad founded on a narrative given by the Scottish papers.) Arr— To the Lords of Vonvention "twas Claverhouse spoke.” To his fair ALzxanpRa twas “ Bertie” that spoke, “ This staring Scotch loyalty’s really no joke; I wanted to take a short cut to the sea, But they want a procession through bonnie Dundee. “ Now, Baby is young, and you’re not very strong, And knocking you up were exceedingly wrong, So I’ve bargained that if this procession must be, We’re kept half an hour only in bonnie Dundee.” The Bailies were blatant, the Provost was proud, And they summoned Dundee to attend in a crowd, Addresses were cooked, and ’twas easy to see, Half a day would be wasted in bonnie Dundee. ““Is it so,” said the Prince, “do they think I’ll be done ?” And he cast a kind look on his wife and his son. “ Tf that is their game, from the compact I’m free, So we’ll take Broughty Ferry, not bonnie Dundee.” The crowd was assembled, all jabber and din, Each Bailie seeing an affable gri When a bare-headed buffer rushed in, and cries he— “ They ’re just going from Broughty, not bonnie Dundee.” Eh, Sirs, there was howling, and presently starts Some Earl they call Camperpowy, great in those parts,

And after him magistrates one, two, and three, . To drag Royalty back to be bored at Dundee. They rushed to the presence, petitioned, and whined, : And they begged and they prayed that the Prince would be kind, And a Sheriff declared there ’d be riot, they ’d see, If the Prince wadna come and be mobbed at Dundee. So he yielded, and on to Dundee went the train, And down like a flood came the national rain ; But no matter for that, let her come on the quay, } Yon Princess, to be stared at by bonnie Dundee. . She stood and was stared at, that lady so pale,' But, wisely and properly, kept down her veil ; A hint to the Snobs who had dragged her, with glee, To stand and be rained on in bonnie Dundee. On the pier twenty minutes, and rain in a flood, Under CamPerpown’s aged umbrella she stood ; Then up came the Osborne, O welcome was she! And bore off the party from bonnie Dundee. But the Bailies and beadles and all of the lot Believed they ’d done rather the neat thing than not, And at night had a gorge, and sang songs in this key, “We made the Prince come to our bonnie Dundee!” The happy young couple were soon far away, And out of the reach of municipal bray ; But if they drank a toast, Punch believes you ’ll agree, *T was luek to the flunkeys of bonnie Dundee.

eR TLVAN JFPABI NTIOL OF Tranrazars rr oars mer ant x

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Wy, Wy W4 SOY "Mlle ge SATE SSW WR \ eee E i Wt / | hd ANN, [ACHINE. D YOU’LL FIND IT DIFFICULT TO JOIN 7H47 NEATLY.”

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Ooromen 1, 1864) PUNCH. OR: THE LONDON’ CHARTVART! 139 THE ROYAL BRITISH ASSOCIATION INFLUENCE. a a have paused on it ever since. the distinguished President of evelopment of ice and | we, meditatively, is the ur friend, Dr. GRUSSELBACK’s terms in’ which that great savant’s ld, aud the world in general, and i any ma with us in our ony the. Association in a more formal Preah, 5 the University of Upsala, lately had been to torpidity for ten years. It is ie pvans ts taldiainaislieibeetommentaweebarte ieareted aspibation of old, and $0 resminlipliion alter 0 pom on two.” — t for the good people of Bath to ing on hydrothermal ‘nfluenee in the w that Bath owes to the same influence its prosperity. Tt was no doubt hear so learned ton But where was Dr. Guus- P interests of science and the propriety of the case uired that he should be brought into the theatre in a box of ice process,'and that he should be vivified by the hydrothermal applications till he stood up before the , an evidence that he was like “other creatures” before and this grand development of ice and snow. LL discussi of Bath, we | { thousand years. Here was nature anticipating the U; Professor . Had that savant been present with his pss nm ll ag his‘ pocket, | bi ve resuscitated the ten-thousand-year-old mammoth by | hydrothermal influence. No wonder then we missed this at the Bath h all the sections, buf found hia not, He has reanimated after k it ina frozen state ; the resuscitation of the ten- , be allowed to carry out his ; i public malefactors. A most proposal is novel, economical and h consideration of the British unis are our great ing. What are we A ia won’t take them, so many tte licences. 1 amount Office an immensity of trou law. What say you, Sim Gzorex? Shall we pep named | ang oe pene the expiri 0 years zing, they treatment of a hot heth, and i But scientific truths admit no limitation hold of one, and there is no sayi i see how far “the grand ice may There are oo men who are before their age. Why not up too, and keep them like Kure: in the of another generation comes abreast-of Then subject them. hydrothermal influence.” ‘It is not to 5 But the Doctor came not, and we are left to speculate on the histo- | Mz rical, | ee rmape yc and for that weamegpe post-historical evidence of the ) new pheno i eB a ship that sailed »«.,eched some three hundred years ago. (Vide Sm ere: tad Sra Richarp StExxz in the Spectator. ; ee eis: and Seer ee wutds as spake 0 on I silence; they tried tos it was damb show; they made blew out no sound ; a musician among , but the flute was voiceless :— could not keep the log, they had toes on, grog. But all of a sudden there came a thaw, and the air was straightway | i ices. man heard himself talking at a distance, the i ing out orders away to leeward; the lf swearing his customary oaths, w. Several songs were heard sung at once’, and the cook’s flute on the galley shelf (after several a tune or two of its own accord. n that the crew saw through this concluded as a matter of course that the sounds which now | iggi from the sea and the cabin companion | were the frozen-up shouts, songs, oaths, tunes, loose by the thaw. : Op developnfent of the ice and of was the discovery of the bodies had been up in an Alpe Pass for a . Some of them were subjected to Sm influence,” and_ were lihelr ‘tp be | director of the experiment discovered the body had inherited, and consequently gave ui a bad job. Indeed the hydrothermal system, whic in the internal affairs of the earth, and which has, Cxanizs, transformed bits of Roman bricks into opals at. Piombiéres, is a most important domestic as Tt melts rocks and it moulds husbands. We be in hot water, if not from our own expe- that of athers; we can accordingly appreciate w doing, and will do; we can trust to it as the great in due yw the antiphlogistic treatment pro- in 1 bE i i sit oo | B. cy in RUSSELBACK. ‘opportunity for proving the was lost, when i Mippenporg, digging for odds upon the{complete carease} of a | Siberian came ich had been preserved in a frozen mass for perhaps ten fl : B. E sing but cul r demoeratic reform and phi osophical ‘finance RAEI out in icy state a eeet natural suow till ie Atlee, 8 ) | Freeze him up ten months out of Cutlers’ Feasts hereafter, would m4 doubt keep his Majesty w with : till his counsel was wanted, Micuazt Scort, in his tomb im the Abbey ie a yn Be mother - ILLI might be persuaded . ment of his resid: donty years under the ; i ticketed to ae se: ee eee or,” if ever he were again, i would probably Ouartes Fre they Os abe, gh DERICK, a8 are i only achieve tinfoil: tanrels under Aust pret, frozen up like Dz. GrusseLBack’s viper the day cfa French master. As for his. when a small foe and an ignoble cause demand such heroes. THE MUSICAL FARMER. Iw his Speech at Aylesbury, Mn. Disnaznr said, ** The Farmer may, in one respect, be compared to a Public Singer.” Well, yes, there is no denying that the Farmer does “ sing out ” when- ever he can get a chance. ‘But there is another reason why the Farmer is like a Public Singer. He-should do his best with his SS Narrow-Minded Old Thing ! * Axp what ’s to be the end of this wicked wasteful American war?” asked Mrs. Grunpy. “ The Union, said Isaac. “ Thad I believe, my dear,” said his ; “but when [ was young, they os it ~ Workhenes. But it’s the meet thing, my en same thing.” Mrs, Grunpy is an unenlightened old woman, oug’ to be ashamed of herself. “Tue Duxe’s (SutHERLAND) Morro,”— Ignis Via.” Fire a-aay /// while the sun shines.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocrozzr }, 1864, Ninna ei \ ND VN sat “TE FP MAIN DRAINAGE IN VAIN. Cowrsr, our Edile, declare to what end it is London with catacombs we un ine, Why many millions of money to spend it is § eedful for sending our dregs to the Brine, If Kingston-on-Thames shall deliver Her sediment into the river ? If it be lawful for Hampton, the flourishing Towns above, Twick’nham and Richmond below, Brentford, Kew, Mortlake, to bid streams of nourishing Pulp, that should feed the crops, wastefully flow, Destroying the fish, from their sewers _ Down into the vats of our brewers ? What! Can such places afford the Thantes prettier Tributaries of unspeakable mud Than those which now by the turtle-fed City are Rendered, alloying its once silver flood With bronze, but that current is an Thing rather than clean as a peng? Let Father Thames, jolly old River Deity, Pour, from no pail, but an elegant urn, Water of crystalline diaphaneity, Free from all taint that the nose can discern,” His feeders from sources all rural!‘ Derived, and from none. intramural. From Denmark. (From Somebody else's Special Correspondent.) Te Danish Clergy, as is generally known, are entrusted with secular offices. You are not oa fe ene gree with the fact that a clergyman may possess the highest military dignity. That such, however, : asa, by a member of the Court, wh: t tinguished personages who ~« the Paince and Princess or W Palace, there was a GeNERA FROM Bi “ Aut the world is at } plen.” 4 spondent to M. BisMaRck. ~ iuat can mardiy be,” said the Minister, “seeing that I’ve sent the demt-monde THE SAFEST WAY OF TAKING A LADY DOWN TO DINNER. | away.” OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. Dear Puncu, ; 5 ‘ Bverysopy knows that there is nobody now in London, excepting some two millions of scribblers, shopkeepers and such folk, who, of course, are nobody. the man who is obliged to pass a night in Town on his ray dag the moors to the turnip-fields and stubbles, may find it difficult know where and how to spend the evening. After a solitary dinner 4 /a Crusoé at his Club, where he will hardly see a living thing except blackbeetles, he will in despair be forced to look > coe, See to see what there is to see that he has not seen at e theatres. Beginning alphabetieally A stands for the Adelphi,so call a hansom cab and go to the Adelphi, see TOOLE in ges. iy people fancy that when an actor takes to p in broad farce, he quite unfits himself for any other kind of piece. But Mn. Tooxz can act well with- out trying to be funny, and has something in him beyond the mere — to raise a vacant laugh. ; at Supposing that our friend has been to the Adelphi, and has thus exhausted A in his dramatic alphabet, he may wish to know how doth the busy B papers an after-dinner hour for the benefit of playgoers. The Britanni e only playhouse that begins with B, and this stands so remote in the far Kast that to travel there from Clubland were a journey not unlike that of the author of Zothen. However, Swells occasionally do the strangest when there is nobody to see them, and so a tour to the Britannia suggested as a way of killing time for a few hours, in the in occurring between grouse and partridge ane. The plays most La gana at this house are chiefly of the blood-and-brim- stone, mystery-and-murder sort, with very commonly a ghost in them or, as the b Bas to call it, in big type an AWFUL APPARI. TION !!! To the traveller from Clu! the audience will, however, afford as strange a sight as any on the stage. It is really worth the journey to see that mass of faces all aia upon, She Pay. and staring their sixpennyworth with all their main might. T' are some three thousand people nightly crammed in that great “ minor ” theatre, and, excepting when the comic man inclines their throats to laughter, or when a baby wakes and squalls and is clamoured into silence, scarce a foot is heard to shuffle or a tongue to s How many babies there are nightly to be seen at the Britannia I am afraid to guess, and how many drops of poison—that is, gin or other “ soothing syrup ”— are given to keep them quiet, I dread still more to conceive. But the babies survive somehow, at least many of them do; though if a law were made to prohibit the admission of babies to a theatre, or music hall, or concert-room, or any other stifling place where grown-up people closely congregate, I think the Registrar would soon report the death- rate had decreased. To quote, not quite correctly, an old song I remember :— “* © stands for Covent Garden, of the drama now bereft, D for Drury Lane, where our SHakspeaRE still is left.” At the first of these two theatres the solitary Swell who is on his way to Stubbleshire may go to one of Mr. ALFRED Meuton’s cheap but charming Concerts, where, besides some pleasant dance-tunes which, if he be young enough, will set his toes a-tingling, he hear some real music by BEETHOVEN or MENDELSSOHN, performed to a good audience by a famously good band. Moreover, he will hear Cartorta Parti, me sings so high at times that you expect her, like a skylark, to a clean out of sight ; and he will hear the wondrous Turkophone play by Att Ben Sova zz so early in the evening that by ten o’clock or so he may criticise its merits in company with a cigar and with his old friend Pappy Green. N.B. Friends at a distance had better accept the intimation that Mr. Metion’s Concerts will only last a few more nights, for the English Opera Company (Limited) soon take pos- session of the theatre, and Mr. Mexuoy will descend from the throne which he now occupies to his old Conductor’s chair. 5 With respect to Drury Lane (and if its promises be well performed, I shall have a great respect for it) SHaAKSPEARE mi last Season to its stage from Sadler’s Wells, and his stay proved so successful that it reece 24 2 Woo eS ee eee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. © will be continued. Mr. Preps next Saturday will re-appear as plump and sli pered Justice . On the Saturday that follows, Mr. Puntee will Mack bie fae apltee a-week perform Othello ; and’ then, after one week’s rest (wherein the shade of SHaxsPxarz, if he revisit this dull earth,’may see his ing Imogen once more upon tle stage) Town gabe rote ae minds by going some fine evening to Macbeth, which is revived “ona scale o com- with real broomsti e : ”? and other savoury imgredients for the hell-broth Creswick the careful, is associated with him . y ic alphabet, yet you theatres where any solitary Swell who is in Town at. see here are this dull season if he so please. many other nights’ amusement the other ‘eweaky letters may afford him, I will, with your permission, in my next, Onz wuo Pars. AN AWFUL SNOB AT LIVERPOOL. 7 Srrzwprp specimen of eat the British Snob oe) exhibited self the other day at Liverpool on the arrival of the pri- soner MU.ier at that City. This Snob may beeharacterised. as one of the ego- tistic class, imperti- nent order, and vulgar hero-hunting obtrusive species. To on Hy = reporter, who de- scribes him, he ap- peared “a tall and gentlemanly-dressed man.” He contrived to get admission into the room where MUrtER was de- tained, by i E J in the rear of two See eaten, kak peti iee Mian Meacxan, "Wel Cac ohod toes r are LLER. ell, Lam see you and shake hands with uw. Do you think on. will be able to prove your innocence ? ” answer to the Snob, Mozer replied, ‘I do.” The Snob then, speaking “in aloud tone of voice,” said, “You know, Mtuxzr, this is a very serious charge.” To this asinine observation, MULLER made no rep e but Deteetive Parrick, who of course had heard it, immediately rebuked the Snob, telling him that L good sense ought to have prevented him addressing the prisoner at = and there 5 peng him to leave the room, which the Snob would not do till the request had been repeated. Detective Patrick may be apt at apprehending fugitives, but he had no apprehension of the nature of the Snob to whom he was talking. mines ers sees oe a sense of sell-im) a of desire to partici i ey es n ) of anybody notorious. It is the nature and pro of this sort of Snob to obtrude himself name for or evil is before the public, if he can on any man whose b anyhow get at him, and to vour to obtain some sort of notice from him, contemptuous rather than none. It signifies little to the Snob who or what the public man is, so long as the man is public; he regards a public man as he does a public building; and takes a liberty with the former as he cuts out his name on the latter. If Garrpatpr had been at Liverpool he would have forced himself into Garreatpr’s presence, and tried! to shake ds with him; but doubtless he is somewhat hand than he would be to have had kicked him instead of we been better pleased than he touched by Méuuer at all. He would have t pa any attention to him, to say, away.” There is no physical substance more offensive to the olfactory nerves than this sort of Snob is to the interior nostrils. His moral odour is such that he is quite unbearable, and it is dreadful to be in the same room with him. E Zo f THE CaLENDAR.—Moveable Feast, not usually set down on any Jack Falstaff, and that day week his plumpness will dwindle into lean for the witches, and eye of omey, Soe regular of SuaxsPzaRe in prospect, and I hope it| buffoon or a mountebank to feas' CLERGYMEN IN BORROWED ROBES. Tue blessed Father or Brother Icnattus, and his troop of mimic monks, running about the country with shaven heads, and wearing frocks, cowls, and sandals, are mistaken by many people for real mem- bers of a monastic order. The law, however, forbids genuine friars to sport their conventual habits in public. It protectsthe Roman Catholic 4 and secular, from Protestant little boys, who in some districts would be their followers and not their disciples. It does not, however, prohibit procession of Guy Fawxxs, nor forbid a in Popish vestments. Did it ever contemplate the possibility that the friends of an Anglican clergy- man would suffer him to go about in the trim affected by lenatrus and eo f his according to the Leeds’ Me GNATIUS and one 0 company, e Mercury, appeared, last , at York, attired im character. They went to the New Roman Catholic Chazch of S$ Wiliid, There they knelt before the altar, as though really saying their prayers; then they pressed their lips to the floor. It was as much like the real thing as an artificial fly appears to a trout. As such it was taken; for :— they were, and then their assumed the character of a good joke.” Father {Ienatrvs and his associate might, in some districts, have found that they had carried a joke too far. Me joke, or what would have been taken for a joke, would have been as profane tom- foolery. The ecclesiastical jackdaws would have been stripped of their feathers, and have suffered worse than anything that excommunication inflicted on the famous jackdaw of Rheims. The forbearance of the York Roman Catholies is laudable. Some others, not content with stripping these pretenders to emetic, ait have proceeded to teach them what it really is, Por omer eir hides to the discipline of the iy hy end. That discipline once have been prescribed as salutary for any unfortunate person imagining himself to be somebody else. If the reverend gentleman who has taken the name of Ienatrvs | is not merely making a fool of himself, and really believes that he is a | —o than what he would be if he thought himself the Porz | ALL IN A BROTHERLY WAY. | Txe following extract is borrowed fom, the diemcndilo Chronicle, and | may be looked upon as a characteristic of a very stormy | meeting (need we say. it was a religious one?) that took place in the | Lecture Hall of that town :— ; “A voice from an individual in the front of the platform : How can you explain to me that it would be a blessing for me to become a Monk? (Great laughter.) “ Brother Icnartrus (with considerable warmth, and looking flercely at the fellow). It could not be a blessing, Sir.” We advise our bare-footed Monk. to change his’ name instantly from | Brother Ienatwws to Brother InpiewaTi0s. The Ethnology of Capitular Barbarism. Ir is a question for ethnologists on what tribe of barbarians to affiliate | those dignitaries of whose ill-doings in chi off the surfaces of our | Cath we have lately heard so much. 4 tholomew alive are supposed to have been Armenians, and th declares it an unjust reviling of GzwsEnic to father these modern flayers | upon the Vandals. Sm Cuar.es Lygit might eomnect them with his a skinners of flints, but it is our own conviction that they | ong to the Chip-away tribe. | TO A SPORTING CORRESPONDENT. We are aware that fictitious names are used by sporting men, but we have no reason to believe, with you, that the announcement of a pugi- | listie encounter between “Cosurn,” and “ Mace” means that ¢ Lorp Cuter Justice is going to have a turn up with the Lorp CuanceLtor. ‘Their characters forbid the supposition. A Case for the next Donkey Show. Tue Times, the other day, contained the following announcement, which we think we have seen before :— ota note for £5 ———Mamonre ET Everybody who has seen X. Y. Z. will at onee perceive that the money therefrom must have been sent by Neddy Bray. For table. A Pic-nic. ' ‘Toe German Freer.—It does not progress very fast. They “have only got_as yet a “ Kiel” towards it. ,

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e PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroper 1, 1864, Newspaper Bay (Conjidentially to little Captain Podgers on his Wedding Tour). “ Banttxc on Corritence, Sir?” A CLUMSY CLOWN. Ir would be a public wrong were this advertisement restricted to th Journal in which Mr. Pench finds it :— : ore csrous of meeting with a Ledy with alittle further must a kind and cheerful disposition. pply, stating age and particulars, L.8.D., Post Office, ipo questions arise to the mind of a cynical and cold-hearted reader but: it offers'sueh attractions to young ladies who wish to which. ‘means, we hope; all young ladies who are single) roust -in. by scores, and criticism: is useless. thi sai sa csisto pre “as eee . there is ho precision. sn’t ( | he wt Why does he say that the age of the lady is object, and | next sentence desire her to state it? Did his desire him to write the atrocious English about, “the style he is | now .” and is the medical man guilty of the passage “ who he may | make his wife?” And was it the doctor’s impudence or the patient’s | that. prompted an invitation to a “kind and. cheerful” girl to link | herself for life to a selfish ignorant fellow who wants an unpaid nurse | with money. Mr. Punch laughs at many oddities of advertisement, but _ there be some which excite his wrath. This would: be one, but that he feels that justice will be done on a patient in the bands of the sort of doetor who could “advise” this attempt against woman. Ecclesiastical. Dr, Mawwmc, Roman Catholic Provost of Westminster, lately preached, we hear, a most touching sermon. Most of his male auditors were in tears. It was remarked at the time, that “ this was not like Dz. Mannine’s usual style ; that it was, in fact, Un-manning.” ASSAGE Diary or a Lare Puysicuan.—" The fellow wel! before I came.” is | Were invented before the A PLACE FOR A PERFECT CURE. Most of the London Hospitals ‘are named after Saints. There are St. Bartholomew’s, St. Thomas’s, St.. George’s—not to mention St. Luke’s. To these may be added All Saints’, which, though situated at Eastbourne, is connected with Margaret Street. Hospitals are institutions’ peculiarly Christian. ‘ To. be sure, they Reformation.‘ ‘Bat ‘Hospitals are not among the errors of Popery. Neither is All Saints’ an error of Popery withovt the Porz. There is nomistake, Popish or Protestant, about Hospitals. The An pew of this All Saints” Hospital is, that it is a Convalescent Hospital. For such an institution many a London’ Hospital Surgeon has cried and wrung his hands. It is, in many of the most “interesting cases,” the one thing needful to effect—banish the idea of any allusion to an odious idiotic comic song—a Perfect Cure. There can be no doubt’ that money contributed to ‘Hospitals will be found a good investment after railway debentures, and the Three per cent Consols, and even freehold property’ with’ a registered title, will have ceased to be securities. Anybody, therefore, who bas money to spare, should, instead of fooling it away in the funds, or on land, bestow it on Hospitals, and such like charitable institutions, and would do well to send ‘a good lot of it to All Saints’ Hospital. New Idea in Ethnology. _.Accorprxe to a distinguished explorer of Africaj:the: Makololos justify cattle-stealing by the argument that those who cannot keep their: cattle have no right to have them. This is exactly ‘Ros’ Roy’s logic, and suggests an affinity between the Makololos and M‘Gregors. What is the orthography of the former clan’s name? Should it not be spelt M‘Cullolo? That would be very like M‘Culloch. « Radically | they must be the same names. The supposition of an original connection between the Land of Cakes and the Land of ra oy is corrobo: by the fact that Scotland, as well as Africa, abo im Buackrgs,. ; Noricz.—The Gentleman who, the other day, ran away from home, wihont stepping to take his breath, is requested to fetch it as quickly as possible. of 0 Woburn Parisa 5 iddlesex, Ey ee od cat re eee pee eget

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Octoser 8, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE L ONDON CHARIVARI. 143 “ Maxy aN ENGLISHMAN SEEMS TO THINK HE CARRIES WITH HIM IMMUNITIES OF HIS COUNTRY, BUT THE VERY CUSTOMS, Ways OF THOUGHT, AND ALL THE CIRCUMSTANCES oF HIS ENGLISH LiFE.”—T'imes. [However, our esteemed Correspondent found that he did not do so at the Boulogne Races. ANOTHER ORGAN-FIEND. Tere is news from Bohemia (not the “literary” Bohemia, but SHaksPEaRe’s) touching an atro- city, into the details of which we have no intention to enter. Enough to say, that a gallows awaits a ruf- fian. But in his confession he stated that he had considered two alternatives—the crime for which he is in prison, or the gaining his living in future dy means vA a Barrel-Organ. It way be edifying to the idiots who encourage the organ-scoundrels to know out of what material the gang is recruited. This interesting musician-of-the- future destroyed an old woman, under most vated circum- stances. Let old women think of this when they are going to _ some grinning, grin wretch, who may not have emulated the Bohemian vagrant in question, but who, if wn-up, has probably committed some crime that has exiled him. Advance in Astronomy. Amone the Papers read at the British Association there was one on “The Invisible Part of the Moon’s Surface.” For all that appears to the contrary, that side of our Satellite, at least, may be NOT ONLY ‘THE Privitecrs anv | made of green cheese. Srortryre Inretiicence.—A Ball-cock in a cistern does not come under the head of water-fowl. when he attempted to cross the Course “'Ler’s make the encyclical letter as pleasant as possible,” quoth CaRDINAL ANTONELLI. “ Facts are stubborn things,” observed his Holiness. “ *The ARCHBISHOP OF Warsaw has been torn from his see——’ ** There ’s ajoke there,” said his Eminence, “ if you’d only allow “ Fade retro,—no, I mean Bist perge—Dear me! how I am for- getting my Latin,” said his Holiness, sotto voce. “That comes of hearing so much French spoken about the place,” grumbled the Cardinal. _ : ; The Pores refreshed himself with a pinch of snuff. His Eminence proffered his own box. “ Allow me, your Holiness, to assist you——’ “ At a pinch?” + the amiable Pontiff, jocosely. continue. What was the last word?” : m his see,’” read ANTONELLI. _ Ah! ‘The Archbishop has been torn from his see, and the admi- nistration of his diocess— been placed in the hands of one Pav Kzrvonsk1,’” Tah AntongLui chuckled. Pivs tae NixtH inquired what it was that so tickled his fancy ? “1 see how we might put that, and get some fun out of it.” “ Fun!,” exclaimed his Holiness. _ “Yes. The Church has been despoiled——” * (est vrai—I mean Id verum est,’ said the Pors, correcting him- ” ”» > * Let us ‘6 * Fro “Ah! “ And this Russian Pavt is in receipt of the Archbishop’s revenues. Is it not so?” Lid It is.” a “ Very good: then wed better merely bing Peter to pay Paw Pius THE Nints touched a silver hand-bell. “CaRDINAL ANTONELLI’S carriage stops the way,” announced the tallest of the Swiss in attendance. After the usual ceremony his Eminence withdrew. _ Then, left to himself, his Eminence penned the encyclical letter, ppeenlly tell the Czar that this is Micwarimas Grammar.—7o Correspondent—The Singular Number of The Portuguese is a Portugoose. THE BANTING RESTAURANT JOINT STOCK COMPANY (LIMITED). Aw Association under the foregoing title has been formed for the purpose of enabling persons endowed with a hearty appetite, to gratify it without incurring the penalty of corpulence, too generally consequent on its indulgence. ‘ : ges The undertaking contemplated by this Society is that of establishing Dining Halls and Refreshment Rooms, at which the bill of fare shall be framed on the dietetic principles recommended by Mr. Bantinc. The Banting Restaurant Company will devote its earnest attention to the preparation of viands which, whilst excluding, as much as eee sible, saccharine, farinaceous, and oleaginous matters, shall neverthe administer, in the highest de; compatible with the absence of those savoury substances, to the pleasures of the palate. Leading Professors of Chemistry and Gastronomy have been engaged to unite their efforts in the invention of Dishes which shall answer the purpose which the Company has in view. By the aid of these scientific gentlemen, the Directors of the Banting Restaurant Company con- fidently trust to enable the gourmand to combine enjoyment with gracility, and whilst, as the popular phrase is, playing a good stick, to preserve a good figure. They have not the slightest doubt that the profits of the Company will exceed cent. per cent. ) The Capital of the Banting Restaurant Company consists of £10,000,000, in Shares of One Shilling each, of which half the amount has been paid up, and the remainder may be sent_to 85, Fleet Street. Natural Question. Mr. G. H. Wuattey, M.P., in fact, “ WHatizy the Wise,” is to — charge of the vessel to be presented to Ganrpatp1! Is it a donkey- rigate ? A THOUGHT FROM OUR TUB. ResPect everybody’s feelings. If you wish to have your laundress’s | address, avoid asking her where she “ hangs out.” City IyrELLicENce.—We read, in a great aldermanic authority, that “9 dinner is on the ¢apis.” The ¢apis alluded to is, of course, Gob’lin? VOL, XLVII, Q

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PUNCH, OR THE contashatiial CHARIVARI. (Ocroner 8, 1864.

.THE SOLDIERS’ SCHOOL FOR SERVANTS. OME, ate | La- you poe. L dies, if GenERA

searcity of good Servants. The complaint is tien cheeike, Wass sore soe tra and it is not easy to discover wit wil sop it. herr object ow-a-days, you say, ey who sho’ oe te oe eee hoi ; (and why the silly thing s imagine), you found it a hard matter to find a fit successor up advertisements you in erin -! Ww but that you health might ha be thankful ato know where 8 good Servant was lv girl whom, being previously well trained, you usemaid Mary left you me last Michedinns Ce ee tela eed worried and tormented in your life; and, Cuanruzs to take you < s Brighton, there really’ i is no then, ladies, would you not ye or, if not, a good soon make a good Servant ? Give your thanks to Genes. Puncu, then, and order round your carriage, and tell RopeRt to drive you up to og one to the “ Sotprens’ Davcurers’ Home.” By the rules of this good charity, whose chief patron is the Queen (a preof oe of its goodness), you will learn, ladies, with other facts relating toe the Iustitution— “Phat its design be to nurse, board and educate ihe destitute female children, or onpbans a of Soldiers in Her Majesty's Army, born —_ te the honourable of the et he ae objects of ‘the Homo be to instract, ho gira o tealred fnatbstrial habite, and to fit them for domestic service. Rewards for length of service, ladies, are given 4, 44 tha motion nos vey sit have omnes ituations other Or sO, as ae say seems he ~ ao 7 hom ask the Matron , she will - a thro nome, ae ao the ~ $4 , and calling upon Agents, and seeing candidates who called on} bottem of a and their , and paying their ‘Daughters’ Home Teena am the less trouble will ladies have in hunting or Gusta, when Susaw elopes with the po! oe—~< or ~~ butler and Gusta take a ~ public-house,

QUIET WATERING-PLACES.

No. I1.—GWRYSTHLOGWDD (Conrmczp). (Parenthetical Note—Since the publication of my first paper 7 Geupetlagedd, I have received some fifty or sixty communications, b. y etter, by , by prospectuses, by local newspapers, in whic masta lines were described about certain paragraphs mane Ri mg the various other media afforde: this coeere age, informing me fest aim and jet 9 the rt ited Con Com. adn eee , these obj ject will be coe ‘thee eet character, which it is a wet, highest pany, whose patios oy pee generally Form our Gwryst = Mae Muwpus (under this name you his ~~ oo. I ay, hat of = dignity, express the World Ww a 1 e if Mz. an _— come down “to be gwdd, = ny will the quiet of cf mon ge me receive private information, your flaming advertisements, laugth and breath of the land omc will ual be u romising village or small jon of the required denenept : We pany establish's quict Bm ye here the SES Ee hand, shall be dressed Spe aa the bar shall be provided with quiet cigars ; Re’ Siene shall induce post randial snoozes. The hired horses shall be “ quiet to ride or drive.” The i eer ree’ = ) sagtning like a manufactory in the place shall be a Sti Sess pa = unpronounceable ore that to answer we Soden here au ou going to stay ?” Where here you bes been stop ?” or, ne what place does such and such a road will be a verbal impos- sibility, then we shall have arrived at something not very man degrees removed from perfection. { have offered the above remarks in the most charitable and friendly spirit, for it is a grief and a pain to me to see such a chance thrown away by publicity, as occurs in the following advertisement, kindly forwarded to me by a most estimable lady, whose | as name I have thoughtfully erased :— plas MAWR, Penmaenmawr, North Wales.—A first-class MARINE RESIDENCE, to be LET, for the month of October, containing four entertaining rooms, and fourteen bedrooms, with a private bridge over the railway to the beach. Apply te ——, Mawr, Penmaenmawr, Conway. With four entertaining rooms, one person alone need never be at a loss for society. I should like to see a sketch of the marine residence in water-colours. Then the name! Any attempt at pronouncing it would throw the bold divulger of our secret into strong convulsions. to preserve. and ney pot pied ore (abe, a as i

There are, I believe, masonic words which not be breathed save a the most hushed w whisper. But this—Oh ne! we never mention it, its name is never heard | "Sie leash quemmmment should issue a law st penning or in any vey engraving the title. There should be no chance of the place being “ written up,” because no penny-a-lining scribbler should be : allowed to write it down. Alas! it is another’s, it never can e pine! pardon, ladies and outs for the pee of my paren- thatieat remarks ; but, as you see, the —y paaeety of the case must d| be my excuse for this introduction. T have done, resume. | 12, Midnight.—The Collegians cannot get a wink of sleep” Af After a few turns I the sharp nails and screws are in the iron 4 - angularly, ¥. = that ~~! on: en I say an y, I mean as if I was sitting; so an imaginary ine wn from my chin to my knees would form one of the sides of a triangle containing a right angle. Occasionally oblivious of consequences, I produce one side of the triangle, = | come in oe with something unpleasantly sharp. Being no Stoic, I ery “Don’t make that infernal row!” growls Gorri1a from a dark corner, where he has a comfortable sofa. “Throw something at him,” suggests J. Scissors, who has been accommodated with a regular portable bed, turns himself sulkily about, and asks why the blank I don’t go to slee T hegin to explain the reason. “ The fact is,” I say-—— : i Oh! do hold your row,” growl the three in chorus. TI cannot get to sleep. Clocks, that I had never heard before, are now ticking supernaturally loud. It seems as if I was in a watchmaker’s shop, Somehow or another the Collegians don’t mind it, and drop into the arms of Morpheus without any difficulty. For the first time this evening they are quiet. Quiet! did I _ ? Scissors has com- menced snoring. Such a snore! aght at first he was choking, and in my agitation to render a sinee assistance, sat upon the aaa nail—I should certainly say ¢he sharpest—with which I had et met. Confound Owen, the Boots! ome one grumbles out something sulkily from the corner: it sounds like a horrid threat. I must be still asa mouse. Absurd simile! I could swear I hear a comm of these little brutes peers about under the fireplace. Possibly imagination! Let me hope so. It strikes One, solemnly. The church tower takes the lead, and is followed, at intervals of two or three minutes, by four diffident house clocks. A miserable piece of mechanism on the mantel-piece of our room, makes a great fuss with a disjointed nondescript bird, pr then finishes by striking two. Scrtssors gives a single snore by pe correcting the eccentric little timepiece, and all is again quiet. By on m may be avoi have retired to what they call rest. I | to know where |

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7" =v oY — Ocrozsr 8, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL M45 So Ow OP Oe 3S See ea aS 5g begins scratching inside the wainscot. There are mice; and in the room. I detest rats and mice. The moon is shining in through the chinks of the shutter. Another of the party has begun to snore, in a different style too, and alternating with Scissors. Is there anything more ee more irritating, than snoring? Snuffing and smoking may be selfish habits ; but oh, the selfishness of snormg! The rat in the wainscot has been joined by other rats, and the walls are alive. I shut my eyes, and try to, as it were, play at being asleep. The effort makes me more wakeful than ever. é I even try, by way of furthering the illusion, a sort of amateur snore, but give up the attempt as entailing physical suffering, and a proba- bility of waking my companions. as that a blackbeetle on the floor? I have heard dreadful stories about blackbeetles. There is no crime I believe that a blackbeetle will not commit. Supposing that one should et into my boots! I am somewhat nervous about stretebing out my hand to lay hold of my boots, lest a blackbeetle should crawl on to my fingers. I will leave it to chance. i The church clock strikes something or other, I'am “unable to say what, perhaps a quarter to some time, orthalf past. I make a reference to my own watch, which having stopped at eleven on the previous night, is of not much use to its owner. The boards to crack, at intervals. do the chairs and the other artieles of furniture. The rats are enjoying themselves. I wish it was daylight. I try to count ten backwards and forwards. As a mental exercise it has its advan- 2 ~ oy ecb iis geting en Thon a ther i health. r me, how s' , J. is up. I inquire after his health He takes no notice. He walks to window with his watch in his hand. “My dear sir,” I say. He opens the shutters. This strange white figure standing bolt upright im the = moonlight makes me feel very uncomfortable. *s walking in his sleep!!! 1l’m ma cold shiver. At this moment recurs to me a horrible — about some traveller who was stopping at a mon and forgot to lock the door of the cell in which ve was placed for night. I recollect that a sleepmg monk walked into this cell with a knife, and——— ugh! What is that he has in his hand? Qh! only a men : he can’t do much harm with ¢hat. He is winding up his watch. He sighs heavily. He must be very cold about the legs. I wonder the others have not been awakened by the moonlight. Yes! they dave been disturbed, and are now moving. Scissors is the first. I try to attract his attention to the condition of his friend. He understands me: at least he gets out of bed and across the room. Heavens! He doesn’t under- stand me. He approaches the window. Good gracious! is it possible ? seen the nuns in Roberto at the opera, and the statue in Don Giovanni. I remind myself that I am no believer in ghosts. It won’t do, I think of Amina, and try to whistle an air from the Sonnambula. My lips are earfully, to the Gonmtua. Perhaps he knows how to deal with his friends in this state, and will kindly awaken them. The Gorizta rises. I beg him, over the edge of my blankets, to be cautious. He heeds me not. Ha! ha! The horrid truth breaks in upon me, stronger than the pale moonlight! They are all walking in their sleep! What on earth shall I do now? “COLD CURATE.” Extracts from elegant Epistle of young Lady in the Country, to her friend in Town :— Tae? _ The Parsonage, Shepherd's Vale. , Para is so much in want of a little Cold Curate you can’t think, dear. Till last winter we always had a cheap and abundant supply, but now, for some reason or other, we can only get it by paying a very high price—at all events, more than Papa thinks we ought to pay * Bs is a idle near in trifles, not that he denies me anything, in proof of w he has just bought me such a sweet pai of bay ponies with silver , which tinkle as I drive. * * but ” oy _ 8 nck on his cloth. > Pht The Dante Lee y is by some suppose owing e . cna tcanaitis eases of Manors keeping such watch over thew Lordshiy gd gee u ip’s preserves, so that little birds have no chance of picking wp much there * * * Our neighbours, the Misszs LoveLawy, are exceedingly fond of Curate, but prefer it warm * * it is so nice attea * * and is such a relish to the muffins * * * the tongue is in general Ly hay eer and is considered 'a great delicacy * * * Curates are not li e turtle cutlets, and you seldom See a eae of See Sag bo rich * * * with respect to its habits, it naturally endeavours to secure a nice roosting-place in the church, to which it is much attached, but rarely succeeds in featherin its nest * * * You ean hardly wonder therefore at its looking wit hungry eye at the black bird’s comfortable couch over its head, and envying the downy one. * * * Though I don’t care much for Curate myself (it’s too dry for my taste), I think something should done to improve its condition, and make it more plump partridge- like * * Loxp Patmerston, I have heard Horace say, is a keen sportsman, couldn’t he direct his people to throw a few bread-crumbs now and then to the poor little expectants, as it is quite distressing to see them moping on one of the branches of a great tree, and looking as they would like to, but dare not hop the twig. * * * The old rooks, of course, would show caws against it, but P. would be com- mended by all who have 4 feeling for fledglings. * * * The Curate, we all know, has a bill, and a long one sometimes to pro- vide for. When you look at his innocent little beak wide open, you a | fancy him saying, “ Pray don’t make game of me—I cannot dig, unless a smart shower s out the grubs, I shall find it very hard to get a Gh Bre Sing ber me kindly to Horace, and believe me yours affectionately, PS. Have you Croquet? If not, Cuanity LAmMBswooL. dear, as you ised, Buank Branx’s work on | obtain and forward it by book-post immediately. | ORIENT PEARLS AT RANDOM STRUNG. 1s hardly ne for Mr. Punck to state that he is incessamtly besieged with i employ- ment. Such applications are for the most part fool- ish, imasmuch as the great creature himself walks about the world im a coat of darkness and with a gold fe beholas exgbedy who is he 18 worth noning and set- ting to service, rson is promptly apprised of his good fortune. Still, people will pester Mr. Punch. When they turn ont muffs, as they usually do, and are dis m the pre- sence, they go away and He too is walking in his sleep. What are nails in a bed to this? I have | peocies. and I feel as if I was going to be very ill. 1 whisper across, | sulk in public-houses and elsewhere, and write para- graphs in country news- | papers, declaring Mr. Punch to be amonster. He smiles, and continues to instruct and delight mankind. He me usually preserves and files such petitions, for reference and amusement in the after-days, and in , some slack time he may entertain society with some sketches of its would- be teachers. Meantime, having received an application of a higher order ithan ustal, and one which comes-from a farther region even Bohemia, in fact from India, he is inclined to publish the document, for the sake of its vgn of its weer. e suppresses the name of the writer, but assures him of Mr. Punch’s distinguished consideration. How better to serve his correspondent than by printing his letter, Mfr. Punch knows not, but would add that the eminent Indian must be satisfied with this glory, and need not forwardfany of the “ disertashins ” mentioned in the private portion of his letter. To the Honourable Lord, Mn. Puncu, of London, Honorep Sir, Havine heard the fame and skillfulness of your honor, and being vacant of two or three employments in which, if some are filled by unworthy persons, by this reason t if are equal o' a I there- fore pray and beg importunately humbly and respectfully to al cape ness for raining —_ water A cw og kindness with the th of charity in the field of my lot, which is enelosed with the walls of ruls and regulations, and fertilised by various handsome and delicious fruits of profitable and skillful knowledges which are just now explained and affirmed ogg phrases among wise men, and will addulee the heart in a fixed time. As gold without heating, man with- out society, field without ploughing, and so on, are not able to take out easily a experimental hopes. _ These intellectual hints are quite enough for intellective and wise men. If your honor cherish this poor-pious one with bread, then I hope The Source of innumerable Shows will be pleased enough to grant a recom to your hi especially generosity against worthy men which is plainly in in indubitable and holy words. As you mete same measurement is ready for you. I shall be very glad to Br bee 3 honor’s long life and pros- perity. I have few cert which manifest my ext character

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a a ~\\a yng Un et TO | 1 “ONE TOUCH OF NATURE,” &c. Mr. Spriggles.\“ Hat¥ a Crown? HOW DO YOU MAKE THAT OUT? THIS Baby, I sHOULD HOPE!” Way it’s UNDER Four MILES; YOU DON'T RECKON ANYTHING FOR Cabby (Father of a Family himself). An! I prssay You anD your Goop LaDY DON’T RECKON NOTHINK OF 'IM NE'THER, BLESS ’IS LITTLE ’EART, EX, Mum?” (in @ Beaming manner to Mrs. S.). MOTHER GOOSE ON MODERN SCIENCE. Taart British Ass—what ?—for the good of Science—that Association, Ass-tronomy, geehology, and all-that nonsense, botheration ! That met at Bath—ay, go to Bath! or Jericho, or wheresoever ;— A nasty good-for-nothin’ lot, I never couldn’t bear ’em, never! Don’t talk to me of the earth’s age bein’ so old as they makes out it. rhe can’t, I shan’t, I won’t, I don’t believe a word about it! as to all them mouldy bones and things they finds in them there | strater, : I don’t consider, no not I, sitch rubbidge wuth a rotten tater. Taters in figgin’ there’s some use; but what’s the pleasure or the , pro . : : : To dig up inn, all bone, with every mite of meat clean off it ? Earth's crust, indeed! a pretty pie with them ingrejuents inside it. _ No, thank you, none of that for me; don’t take the trouble to divide it ! Antipathy of Man besides, and then all that there row and rumpus About Dewelopment and things as we was never meant to compass ! They jingles and they jangles just like empty old tin pots and kettles, And comes to nothink in the end, but one another’s minds unsettles. Ah ! ‘well there, now, ’tis my belief, which I defy it to be shaken, That one of these days they ’ll find out that they’ve been all on ’em mistaken, And clever as they thinks theirselves, appear to be oapaicte tomnoddies, Forced to go back to what folks thought of old about the ’evinly bodies. The world flat, like a pancake, or about the shape of this round table, Beneath the crystial firmament, stock still, its movin’ all a fable. The Sun a runnin’ of his course, just as he looks to do it, raly From East to West, which likewise I desire to do my duty daily. [Claim allowed. | Suppose we turns out arter all right in relyin’ on our senses. I should so laugh at all that there og me and wain pretences | If our ideers of them there things was found correct, and theirn delugion. Ah! we old women yet may put the wise and larned to confugion. THE LAST HAUL OF THE FISHERMAN. (From our Own Correspondent.) Rome. Feast of St. Michael. Txe other day CarDINAL DE BonnEcuHossE presented his Holiness the Porz with the 150,000 fr. in Peter’s pence, which had been collected in France. Receiving the money, the Holy Father immediately sang out, 7% es optimus sodalis quem vidi hodie. Whereupon the ecclesiastics in attendance on the Sovereign Pontiff immediately with one accord struck up the response, J//e est optimus sodalis quem Sanctitas sua vidit | hodie. The Pore again, raising his tuneful voice, sang, 4s in presenti. They responded, O quam bonum est! His Holiness then chanted, Dedit nobis centum et quinquaginta millia librarum Gallicarum collatis obolis Petri. The priestly choir harmoniously replied, Judilate/ Once more raising his voice, the Sovereign Pontiff intoned, Nimirum ille bonus est sodalis. His sacerdotal train replied in unison, Hé sic dicimus omnes nos. They did not go home till an early hour. Panscotism. Sweden at the Court of Spain, had left Cataldi’s Hotel. I need hardly Scottish strain. Let us be proud of a diplomatist whose forebears were evidently clansmen. I am, your loving Countryman, The Donkey and Thistle, Oct., 1864. CaTNacu. say that the name of the distinguished Count Prrzr proves him to be of | | | | | | | | Dear M‘Pouncu, In a column of fashionable intelligence the other | day I met with an announcement that Count Prrer, Ambassador from |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ocroner 8, 1864. 2 - i" a, it: ae S Zope. hb Pam WL) 4 s » se 4, \ ~* 2 awe Fis ed \\ : wee oe “4, ; > Wiss LE) eee tar) 444, ¢ : \ “4 Sa Aad Ys - Sy . 4 AS sll Ws ‘ , > — AP WOO 4/4 tie, PRA ) , ~ Lb “y ++ ‘ AA Pos , ee ~ nes = i - = ¢ yy iin —_— bie -\ iy Ai ft ~ ” ) Hl i} \ ey Y U h Y); (of SSS t Q Si RS i ' \ NY // yy I N \ ih Vy f ‘ MN ti KY UY y Uy \ | | i es sg eee RELIEVING GUARD AT THE VATICAN. France To Iraty. “ YOU MUSTN’T LET NOBODY OUTSIDE ANNOY THE PARTY INSIDE; AND YOU MUSTN’? LET THE PARTY INSIDE ANNOY NOBODY OUTSIDE.”

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Page 153

— | & < a4 a <= s= 5 Zz eS) = Z S| pa = = 62 S . br o E A sty it by one ¢ » you may clim ument, y ms circumbendibus. You will be nae E ph wa tig the | Dames, but give the inscription as scul; — is served excellently), and by the perusal of t! d mares. Or T hearti churchwardened wi iy res} (horribly he Moni hich 3 you can ascen tho |nigh feet in t gp, | Church ( ruins, | old a ALSO, JOHN BROWNJONES, WHO DEED auc. 3, 1827, samp G6 umans. THES STONE WAS ERECTED. OUT OF BEMEMBRANOE BY AGED 30 YEARS, TOBIAS SAINTSREST, SACRED TO THE MEMORY OF WHO WAS KILLED ON BOARD .® * OFF CAPE TRAFALGAR, NOR, 2, 2807, BY A SHOT FROM A SPANISH GUMEOAT, REBECCA, Their Surviaing Widow. yb le Toa 0- eyes, on going Ah,” score I of “do not ) with a sp Lid which I at le Angl y voice, Tell us of some lovel a and to rain rter W. castle near po’ 0 ae e life of a flored the al a2 bids, il and ROTHER —_ dear Eve Beng, and young ladies, it ore eve, The dose she had alabaster throat, an icked up—he is not ts who turn from that I was ” geography, will fight at the requires ure, not Telivered he ae delivered the abore one to know Florence from J own foster-brother, itential life as B remarking that it 1 and that one reads for and Write that, y like little tigers, for A crowd had collected as urns out to be his justl , | live a pious CATOR.

FROM OUR ILL-USED pe erceepites Mr pear Mz. Tae above Ate on | durin not | the ti gascar, inter- | made by a chol flood aut war her that the sense of that awful summer when | admirab at 90°, and 4 y long. at which St. Hilds’s ia, i in the windo o’er St. Hilda’s is si it is worse than M ‘er old ocean’s eres into St. Hilda’s ibious fellow. hilosop ur, into uring i and the bane ot — your am some old ent This h Thamesis duri is harbo times more Hi We 85 tial . i will repedinto was attribute a fact I etimes detect in the air. y you glorious hich latter Ww. scenting the ; to i Noises. ot ern ho Seen oe ae i ti é in tee Hh ie DE ho were be crying ,” and moother they ere janng a the e old Pagan super- Ww sure to ( xcellent reason for 1 - is the relic of som anes, her out of house and home away the D; other frigh and bared ht SS there gas. ve, in conse- | li I must have a remarkably fine agen é lan rte d when the . ‘The juveniles go to sleep at body keeps a dog, days and nights, I belie ting | Romola, j po library, so long a Virgil, vigil,—what do you | ro¢undo, and the honest folk listened with patience, than the children are the canine But worse And tee iene an and when there is no moon th say every ves,

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150 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. [Ocroser 8, 1864. some kind of religious teacher—there are several of the class here, who break out at the shortest notice. But I observed symptoms of an intention id gre Penphgrior ma pe ery ry So Son Dag herrings, so I darted up an inclined plane, ° (here a stree and vanish ed. I do ‘a know whence I shall next date, but if you Ww. wait you will kno ‘ Yours defiantly, Ericurnvus Rorunpvs. FAST YOUNG LADY, IN PRIVATE CONVERSATION WITH HER LOOKING-GLASS. “Iv I SHOULD MEET AS GOOD LOOKING A FELLA aS YOURSELF, I ’LL TURN BENEDICT.” LARGE AND SMALL*GERMANS. Soms question has been raised whether the German Society was uite right in coming forward to provide MOLLER with legal assistance. Of course it was. The German Society represents the great German nation. Every merely accused person is presumed to beinnocent. The fallaciousness of circumstantial evidence has often been proved. How is the German Society to know that MOLLER is not as guiltless as the unborn babe? But even suppose they believed him to have killed, not to say murdered, Mr. Briccs. What then? Mr. Brices was only an i . How much is an Englishman better than a Dane? What is one Englishman to thousands of Danes? Is there any essential difference between Mr. Brices’s watch and chain and the duchies of Schleswig and Holstein? Is there any difference at all between delibe- rately and wilfully causing the massacres of Dybbdl and Sénderborg to obtain possession of those duchies, and deliberately and wilfully slaying Mr. Brices for the sake of his watch and chain, except the difference between thousands of Danes and that one Englishman? It is as yet doubtful who slew poor Mr. Brices, but a doubts who slew the r Danes. Loyalty demands that the Germans should defend the rnc or Prussia from the same accusation as that alleged against Mouzer. Their loyalty would be justly regarded as flunkeyism, if they had refused to perform the same service for their poor countryman, Mo 1zk, as that which they render their precious King. VOLUNTEERS, Press Reporters are to form a new corps: they are to be placed on the same footing as Regulars, and will be known as the Penny-a-line Regiment. haa A REAL AMERICAN POEM. Ir has been remarked by people who have nothing to do but to make remarks (a kind of people we hate), that the Americar. War has pro- duced no poet. Usually, when a nation is stirred to its heart, the feelings of that heart find vent in song. But with nothing save the most blatant doggerel have the American writers as yet celebrated any | of the brave deeds which both sides have performed in the Three Years, that is, Ninety Days, War. We have, happily, an exception to make to the general rule. A Poet has arisen in the North. He is worthy to sing its praises. His latest outburst has just reached us, and with the purest desire to do justice to a great and gushing being, we reproduce his work for a world’s jadmiration. It matters nothing to Punch that the Poem is an attack |upon England. We cari venerate genius, no matter whether it sings our eulogy or our condemnation. We call on the world to read and the Poem we are going to reprint. ‘The name of the author— we admit that the name is not euphonious, but is TurreR exactly music, | oris CLosz harmony ?—the name is Buncay—G£orGE WHARMINGPANN | Bungay, of New York. He is, we believe, one of the editors of the | Tribune (Mn. Horace GREELEY’s paper), and is a person without | what is vulgarly called education, as appears from an autograph before | us in which he spells August “ Agust,” and “ certainly” as he would pronounce it, “ ceartainly.” He is also, we understand, the editor of a New York “religious paper,” called the Independent. It is to the honour of our American brethren that they set little value on a man’s | position or worldly learning, and respectfully submit to his g | provided the stuff is in him. And that the stuff is in Buneay, let this | noble war-song testify. It is in honour of the Kearsarge, a Federal | frigate, which it may, even at this distance of time, be remembered, sank the d/abama, a Confederate vessel. “HAIL TO THE KEARSARGE. “ Hail to the Kearsarge, castle of oak, “ The British lion may cease his roar: And pride of the heaving sea ! For his darling privateer, Hail to her guns, whose thunder awoke | At sea a pirate, a thief on shore, The waves, and startled with lightning | Now lies a wreck on the ocean floor, stroke No longer a buccaneer. The nations that should be free ! Hail to our Yankee tars ! Hail to her captain and crew ! } Hail to the stripes and stars ! Hail to her banner blue ! } Hail Wixstow, chief of the sea! Hail to her deathless fame ! Hail to his vic ! Hail to her granite name ! | paw a be 1—* Two Ninety,’ the robber, is ! And Semmes, the pirate-in-chief, A swordless coward, defeated, has fled, Bearing the curse of the sea on his head, “Haughty Brerrannia no longer can boast That she rules the ocean waves ; Her fame is dead, and its sheeted ghost Stalks discrowned on her chalky coast, Mocked by Columbia's braves. Hail to the queen of the sea ! Hail to the hopes of the free ! Hail to the navy that spoke ! Hail to our hearts of oak ! Hail to our holy cause ! Hail to our equal laws ! Hail to our peace to be! to all nations free ! **Geornce W. Buncay.” We have only to thank Mr. Gzorce Waarmincrann Buneay for the first true poem of the war, and to congratulate the Federals on having in their ranks a bard so trumpet-tongued and fearless. We rejoice to see the fame of the Marseillaise Hyma, of KoxneEr’s Death- Song, and of Campseut’s Nelson and the North so nobly emulated in the Western world. THE CONDITION OF THE ARMY MEDICAL OFFICER. Tart learned body, the College of Physicians, has appointed, so we learn, a committee to “inquire into the condition of the army medical officers.” We are delighted to hear it, and wish the committee a happy deliverance in due time: but it occurs to us that the inquiry is some- what extensive, and not particularly well defined. It is, however, clear that the investigation has one limit; it cannot be into the conditions of the army medical service (the which we regret, for it needs looking into), since the Fellows would have said so had they meant it. We infer that as the College is medical, the committee medical, and the conditions which they understand medical, this must be a Medical inquiry into the conditions of the bodies of their brethren, which are at times exposed to danger, and into the conditions of their minds under the wrongs which they suffer; and we hope it will aid in improving the conditions of their purses. , Ecclesiastical Intelligence. Tue Pore is said to be ping making MonsiGNoRE MANNING a present of a new hat, a red one. The selection of the Doctor for this ift is understood to hinge on his ayn all the Cardinal virtues. ho would not wish to be in his shoes, or rather stockings ? New Name ror THE Mempers or tHE Unirep Kinepom Atl- LIANCE.— Water Babies.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 151

PERILS OF HIPPOPHAGY.

5 Be & is manger. i B : necessary i out aie Depend on it, dear Tabby, this new- conkaty hae qemetionss nearly will be influence, and when that no one can cavil Here I pause, for Three Colts Lane.

My pear Gram, Rapist hiefly from a political point of view. It is alarming en that aspect, ey chit more so VF cen ab Etonic and see what cst dishes noble animal you refer to will drag after it, ae Soe, Gun Che Desnow on I to the Ladies’ attached to the carte. You know, dear Gan, by personal observation, how fastidious our Walkig sok tick originated at bl On ie modern are—how scornfully they repudiate any connection with the cold shoulder, and | contrary, turn w noses when they have made a hash of it. What delicious morceaua |‘ oP lnpleatriee P Pa Seo deeded de Gamaae de Camnzs. course resistance will be haunch of hunter, at the next gorgeous banquet its antiquated Bills of Fare. . Then who can tell what yh) may by three coursers and a dessert? I fear that B— O— R— will bolt with the bit between his teeth; and C— avowed object » sods) to which he hes been is pliant knife over steed steaks, and making ere Parliament is required to aS be tainted with Hippop "Telees eventually oe ail te into a ditch. course will rear £ lash ox out beso’ will if t Church. I to ee ee cera inte Hippophagy will co legiation toa dead accomplished, and —, than ever. A Minister — take ad en bored by a volley of questions, will answer <a ly suggestive of a neigh. a rat,

Mr pear Tazsy, a javentle G catch sight of

zRtamn Correspondence has sent us in a mysterious way for publication, and from which we select the following. Omitting some personal pliments to our dog Toby, for which he returns his best bow- wow, we present these curious emanations of feline genius to such epicures as have a taste for the subject to which they yong ‘and capacity to digest 1 — Prom Mr. Garmmatxiy fo Miss Taprrma. Ba on ~ ages, Monsieur de cutsine sauce piquante for colt chops will travel with steam speed to this country, and we may anticipate

Conservatives eine 3D like Chameleons, take their colour from which ra feed. Picture the ji ~s of oo — Petar want him to trot briskly up titution ie. Was a crib-biter N % as for Bishops, repairs an Yours, &c., From Miss Tasrrna fo Mz, Grieatxny. p their eloquent will they deem Prone ty entitled to ge the new dietary! Many -_ Jane will stipu- Secretary is placed in any men at work oo the Irish Member—he will wildest goose of the mplete what factious -lock ; official reti- of its * demo GRIMALKIN. contend t com-; PS. A any W poor tough as a of the The effect

ralising

it is all pooh, other gs our meg bt when Bi Philosophers may say what they please ; but I Hippophagy is most revolting, and if we had an Ossian amongst us, its advocates would tremble at the indignation of the mews. Yours, &c., Cateaton Street. great deal has been _latel; about deterioration in racers, word for it, gee I am a pretty good judge, nonsense. I feel certain that my table is pd ow) with much better meat than &c. TaBITHA. written ‘ake my forty or fifty years ago, There is a r alitiog Eclipse came to us, the work, was as at the cattle are now acum. Gaok at te are, if not quite as tender, almost as young as a lamb. that

Star. fitted up for his use,

A Fact for the “‘ Morning Post.” late for those ive Oe oe we pud podiing 5 and tg eed = a os Nags will not be satished eating lens idle of C JEAMES FOR THE USE OF SCHOOLS. pe = ingly conf tht pe refers is Jenn little high, and Mas, cee In the Heathen times of the Ancient Princi- od will of course reserve to herself the Thoroughbreds as included in the culinary pality, the Welsh God worshipped on the top of sweets of office. wdon, was Ap-ollo. Then what is to become of us? Saoste to So out upon veal cutlets and such like insi- until we haven’t courage enough left to look a mouse in the face? No, my dear ORNITHOLOGY nim, I'll never submit to such indignity ; and if Master persists in exchanging his dishes , - one for mine, I shall emigrate without oy to the Isle of Dogs, where I hope to meet with} ,1#8 Bird that the most brilliant more generous and gen behaviour. plumage of all the tribe is, we believe, Surely, Gum, our superiors, par excellence, being omnivorous, might be content with what the Duck o” di’monds. they ’ve got, an ep in penqnil possession of our Arabians. If their jaded appetites e for ac + let them, instead of cove fms our dainties, ruminate over the} A Watxrne Panapox.—Mr. Barrie has poor which they have recently an Asinine show. achieved greatness by growing less.

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HOW :VERY THOUGHTFUL. Old. Lady. “ ARB YOU NOT AFRAID OF GETTING DRown’D WHEN YOU HAVE THE BoaT 80 FULL?” Boatman. “ Ou, DEAR, NO, Mum. I aLways Weans 4 Lire-beLt, so I’m Sarg ENOUGH.” FLUNKIETTES AT SCHWALBACH. (To Mr. Punch.) ' Sir, Tue opinion, which you lately felt yourself called upon to fprems that the example of the Ewrress or THE FRENCH would followed by the great majority of the female sex, if her impeiel Majesty were to take to wearing rings in her nose, may be considered, unthinking persons, to have been based on an e : the proclivity of women in general to imitate that illustrious lady. Your: estimates, Sir, are always framed with. a scrupulous to accuracy, and are invariably verified. Fall justification, at least of that one which I refer to, has y —- in a letter from Schwalbach in the Patrie, describing the habits, peculiarities, proceedings, and attire,—giving, in short, the natural history of Her Majesty, as observed that medicinal watering-place. ‘The writer of this interesting memoir says :— : ** The water of the Weissbrunnen, its other qualities, is said to be injurious to the teeth. Therefore, before the arrival of Her Majesty, the Jadies meas use of glass tubes, by means of which they could drink the water without having to fear that while recovering their health, they would lose their teeth. Since the Em- press swallows each glass of water as a draught, those tubes have been thrown aside. For aes that it was possible for the ladies at Schwalbach to know, Sir, the Empiess drank the Weissbrunnen water out of a tumblef, without the precaution of using a tube, just she did not know that it was injurious to the teeth,or even from a possible want of solicitude for their sy pas mp _ I suppose that Nature has blessed Her Majesty with teeth of pearly whiteness, adamantine durability, and chemical com- ition proo! t all corrosive agencies. But those ladies cannot | e sure that ‘this, which may be, is so. They must know that Imperial dignity is not superior to human nature, and that there is an idiosyn- | crasy that simply ignores the tooth-brush. Those, Sir, who would risk | the ruin of their teeth rather than not imitate a personal eccentricity on the part of their idol, would little hesitate, by the same rule, to dis- | figure their noses. } | __ Allow me, Sir, to add to the foregoing remarks, the observation, that, if your wives and daughters would be as regardful of reason as they | are obsequious to fashion, they would . render you, .as’ husbands and fathers, objects of a sentiment more approaching to envy than that with which you are at ‘present contemplated by Soo ’ The Hermitage, Oct., 1864. THE DISEASE OF STEALING. At one of the late meetings of the Social Science Congress a Paper was read on penal discipline, with reference to which :— “Loap TeicnmovTs suggested oakum-picking, and supported his view by the j opinion of Bishop BERKELEY, that tar-water was a cure for all diseases.” / In the opinion of Lonp Te1cNmourta, then, theft is merely the mani- { festation of a disease.. Very well; but if oakum-picking-is a, cure: for that disease: affecting pickpockets, members of: the swell mob, and common thieves of both sexes in general known to.the.Police, would it not be likely to be equally efficacious in the case.of a fashionable lady affected with the same disease under the name of kleptomania ? SMELFUNGUS. Dreadful to Contemplate ! (From an Old Lady Correspondent.) Tae Home Secretary is going to demand from the different: Governors of the gaols in England a return of all'the' prisoners placed under their care within the last two em. Gracious ! - London will be deluged with criminals! We shall all be garotted!! Our First axnp Saxon GREETING TO THE Lorp Mayor Exect.— ** Drink, Hiael.” CoursE or Reaping BY THE SeasipE.—The Study of WincKELMANN. Printed William Bradbury, of No. 1: Woourn in the Parish of St. Whitehians Gy of Lesdza Prictere ox" focls Otsae iu Lonard Street te the Precinet of of London.—Satunpar, October 8, 1864. County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of City of London, and Published by them at No. 85 Fleet Street, in the of St. Bride, City

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Ocrosss 15, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 153 AN AWFUL OPERATION. ‘(Being an Account of a Wonderful Crop.) me; all the available ones, of the onl he Posters about Town. —I will raise them to the ath ! an Awful Operation!! I tremb racked ? ‘Tees an that!!! D me. ir, I have undergone the past!!! Smeg 4 f that; aye, worse than if I had been caricatured by Quartered ? Worser—a deal worser!!!! Tight. |P No. | o! You will never cuess. Oh, Mr. Punch, tell it not in Gath, if yon ever there, but 1 gs beautiful, your own, your own correspondent, have had my Hi cut !f!!! Gat by—I am not n cut by Machinery!!!! Never, never long, matted, and as did those o or some Peter or other. However, I’ll no more be come to the point at once. Point! that word recalls the scene from first to last. “ Did I want the points ”—he, the hairdresser, called them pints—“ off? or would I’ave a deal off?” Ichose the latter. No sooner was I vested in a 1 something between a gentleman’s summer dressing-gown and a lady’s bathing- dress—of that ue Jalen with which, of late, the pictures of a facetious singer styling himself “The Cure,” have made us sufficiently acquainted,—no sooner, I say was I bound in this extraordinary wrapper—like a volume of SrryPE— en my seat in front of a large looking-glass, than the operator began that me with apprehension, and made my hair ready for cutting, like quills upon the fretful what-you- ropes from the ceiling, after the manner of one about trapeze. These ropes were fitted with a peculiar it, on the model of those used in the opening of a ro Humevrrin sends for the Court Barber to usual result is that the Court Barber is trimmed hairdresser’s talented room, footing it to some lively measure, with huge cans Hot Water,” “Soap,” “ Bear’s Grease,” would not have been to me a matter for much surprise. However, they didn’t. Such a proceeding would have savoured of a joke; and that this, my friend, was #0 joke, I do most solemnly eclare! Two more ro; held a circular comb: a young man took his place behind my chair; then there were, to use another stage phrase, “ Wheels heard without,” and, with a whirr-whirr-whirr, like the deafening sound in a small manu- factory, or in the Polytechnic during the hours of exhibition, the ropes began to move rapidly up, up, up, down, down, down, backwards and fo: ,, and round and round, he scissors commenced snipping the air, and the comb, as it appeared to me, began circling round my head, like the fearful stuffed nondeseript bird at Astley’s, which is worked by a string over the prostrate body of the agonised dummy EPPA. Suddenly, the man controlled the gambols of these wild creatures, directed them at m ton At me head, literally, not my hair. Bah! they . tearing through is like uffaloes through a prairie, and seizing upon warrior. i i cried. doch ti)” jnquioed the youne: man Mendie. Preald eather soy De” whi whic wh off agen * Hold | e young man takes this opportunity to explain :— ELOVED, CALM, EVER-| long been out of his apprenticeship. Pracip Puncu,—j “Trim it on (il said I; “and,ffor Heaven’s sake, Even in these days | in the old-fashioned way.” 43 of Sensation I was} He smi not prepared for the horrible tone whispered in my ear, “ but Master says we must use this ractised by *ere happaratus, so as in this slack time of year we may get say men? Yes, by our ands in for the Seasing.” ‘ men upon their fe This comes of stopping in Town unfashionably! Oh, low-men in the cause eursed fate, that didn’t give me to the moor of civili in the There, ’ said I, “just brush it smooth, and have"done.” obtrusive — advance-| * Ave it washed, sir? Gents mostly ’as it washed.” ment of science,andj es, by all means.” under the pretence} “ will Zz ‘ave some Medicated Balsamic Regene- of conferring bene-| rator, or our Emollient ion ?” fits—inestimable be- nefits—on mankind. (I fe ‘ : th ro = Il hairdresser iorget the letter is always as well to give your hai this idea, or, - of the quotation, but show the least indecision oF ignorance on tite bute the spirit is the ‘What crimes do they not commit in thy name !” Notes of admira- size really adapted to my hose of a lesser note fail le while thinking of rawn? Worse than hotography into the bargain. BBoote PP Thumbserew ? go air going to use strong language—but am going to say, agin, r. P., not even if my locks grow f Peter the Wild Boy, or Peter the Hermit, a re-peater of this name, but garment— resembled, except the tufts on Mr. Pecxsnirr’s head, or the comic wigs in which the Brothers WEBB appeared as the Twin Dromios. And oh! my poor skin! “Should he take hany more off?” inquired the young man—the youngest man, ealeeentiy found, who had not e smiled. “T should prefer doin’ of it in that way myself, Sir,” he * Some of the Capellarion,” I answered, in the off-hand manner of one accustomed to the regular use of that expen- if he will’ be down upon you, all in the way of business, jo he wil inquiries as to wee “you wouldn’t like a bottle of the Balsam?” or, more persuasively, a8 if it co nothing, “ Shall I horder you a pot of the ? If you show any signs of weakness or wav % aw it in a more forcible manner“ You ¢. ave a tle of our Tittivator,” or, decisively, “ You'll take a bottle of The Regenerator, then, with you, Bir, to-day,” and this, mind you, settles the question. you don’t buy his master’s wares, on which the young man doubtless gets a per-centage, and justly too, you cannot but feel that you have fallen in the a of the hairdresser ; not that this is of importance when you are once out of his but while in the power of a man who holds the scissors over you, it ig politic to make him think as much of you as possi y, therefore, profess a t know- ledge of all the unguents in the shop. “The Medicated Balsam is your constant companion: without the Titti- vator,” say you, “no person’s toilette-table can be com- plete. The Bye cre is the delight of your mornings— the Medicated Balsam the solace of your declining day.” Now for the wash. The ceiling opens above my head; a pipe appears; a brazen tube like the neck of a watering- - pointing downwards, taking my hair for the flower- am about to ask “ what this is,” when—ssssh—squish —down it comes and I am deluged with the fragrant Capel- larion. This is not so bad. Before I can recover my breath, whirr, whirr, whirr go the wheels again, and two fierce iron or brazen arms appear from somewhere, armed with the stiffest of rough towels. I try to avoid the blow from the one on a right, and am caught with wonderful precision on my left ear by the other. Both arms begin to pummel me; whirr, whirr, go the wheels; everything seems in motion, the looking-glass, [ fancy, dances, the cries of other struggling victims rise from various corners of the room, the little comb laughed to see such sport, the brush runs away with the scissors, the young men execute a_war-dance—whizzle, whizzle, whizzle—I don’t know whether I stand on my head or my heels, until I find myself in the front shop before thé counter, paying money to a cheerful-looking lady in black. , . Lovers of sensation should be made acquainted with this fact, viz., that, for all the above mentioned excitement, formed exactly as described, you are only charged One billing; ay—and, what is more, in small sum is included Shaving by Machinery, if you feel inclined to for it. I didn’t ;.and, therefore, am still able to sign my Proresson Hainer. A Capital Job for the Conjurors. WE are happy to announce that several of our best con- jurors are eng: in the discovery of the means whereby the Spiritualists accomplish what they grandly term their “ manifestations,” but which oceptiee ve been heard to speak of by a shorter name. Wizards of the Sp South, East, and West will work ther in this ani the result of their labours will be published to be out of compliment to the Brothers . “ You see, Sir, our Proprietor patented ’em last week, and in’t got quite nt ea ering Gg ler ie le In twisted knots: w sentient tag bial rebsahicktieas ina, L know whet it (with of course the leave of Mz. Laver) Davenport Done.

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON

[Ocroner 15, 1864, CHARIVARI.

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TOUCHING APPEAL TO THE CHIVALROUS FEELINGS OF DE VAVASCUR. Fingers!”

“Keren HOLD 0’ THE Disa FOR A MINUTE, SiR, WILL rou? Ir’s 4 BURNING MY) ! DON’T SAY:NON POSSUMUS! (Victor-EMMANUEL #0 the Pores.) Ou, May it please your Holiness hold me at your knee ! Vouchsafe unto my lowliness Clb speck the pend side hegtsp 8 € wo ppy day That concord shall restore ! Oh, come to terms, say “ Yes,” and say, “ Non possumus” no more ! Oh, if your gracious Holiness would ony to me, And cease to say “ Won possumus,” how happy I should be! St. Peter’s patrimony fair Shall still be all your own ; And I’ll engage to keep you there, And ou on your throne. Your States, that gave themselves to us, Ourselves their debt shall pay : So don’t reply “* Non ty But gently answer, “Yea!” Oh, if your gracious Holiness would only list to me, And cease to say “ Non possumus,” how happy I should be!

WHERE THERE’S SMOKE THERE’S FIRE. _ A Trmrrs.zE gunpowder explosion (not to be spoken of lightly) has occurred near Erith. Passing from painful details, let us notice certain consequences. Divers As- surance Offices refuse to compensate those whose property has been injured. We consider this the height. of Assurance. If e sustained by an explosion is not damage by Fire, we should like to know what is. Men of business, as every day’s City Article shows, are the most unbusinesslike people going, but surely they will not be done out of their assured rights. d many jurors have made one believe that they had been empanelled from wd Earlswood, but we should like to see a Twelve idiotic enough to declare that gunpowder can explode without a fire. Anyhow, we advise a trial where the offices are worth Powder—and shot.

Wuen is a Candle likely to be angry ? When it’s put out, to be sure.

SPORT AND SPORT. THERE is a sweet bird, much of which was eaten on the 29th of last month, a bird which is usually accompanied at table by me-cines, in addition to sage and onions. A maxim of ancient wisdom and pro- verbial philosophy declares that the condiment which is proper for the female bird of tlfis description is also proper for the male. The moral rule which corresponds to this canon of cookery is not always so religiously observed as it might be by those administrators of the law who are for the most part deservedly called Justices, but who, in some instances, can be so termed only with ironical justice. At the Marylebone Police Court, the other day, a boy named Henry Raprorp was cited by one RuTHERFORD, an Officer of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, before Mr. MansFiExp, charged with cruelty to a cat. The boy, at play with a lot of other boys, had tossed the cat some fifteen feet into the air, whence it fell and broke its back. Ruruerrorp said, “ that it was not usual for the Society to take up cases = children under fourteen years of age, but they considered this to be a case so peculiar that they felt bound to prosecute.” The peculiarity of the case, according to the evidence adduced to prove it, appears to be comprised in the foregoing statement. Sentencing the puerile prisoner :— “ Ma. Mansrtstp remarked that it was a pity boys could be found who were so cruel. aS, commit the prisoner to the House of Correction for one month, It may be presumed that the cat was not thrown into the air by r F yagi Rapocep simply to test the —_ of <r popular 5 a ways | e te Uta htiiettkrs. Of course it is necessary that boys under fourteen should be taught No doubt there is a difference between shooting stags, or hares and rabbits, so as to break their bones, and wantonly killing cats. But there is also a similarity. The difference is that, whereas venison, hare, and rabbit are good for food, cat is not, whatever foreigners may say to the contrary. The similarity is that the stags, hares, and rabbits on the one hand, and the cats on the other, are killed for sport. The gentry of England have certainly an excuse for shooting game, which street-boys have not for killing cats. When a nobleman kills several hundred hares in a battue, to be sure he shatters the spine of many a poor puss which is just as sensitive as one of the feline species. But then poor puss, the rodent, is edible, whereas the carnivorous poor puss is carrion. We know that my Lord bears that steadily in mind while he is out shooting, and considers, with just complacency, that he is not practising wanton cruelty on animals. Still he kills them for amuse- ment; so to speak, for fun. Therein lies the resemblance between the noble sportsman and the street-boy. If the resemblance is close, is the difference so wide as to make a grandee worthy of having his amateur butcher-work recorded in the journals to his glory and renown ; but an urchin, for amusing himsel#in the same but a very much smaller way, deserve the treadmill ? At it Again! Sars the Roman Correspondent of the Star, “The remains of the Baths of Droc.eTran, and the best ruins left in Rome, are to be cl away.” Now, really this is too bad. The Baths of DrocieT1an can not be in the way from London to Chatham or Dover, and the Company must be exceeding its powers. We shall ask for an injunction.

NOVEL EFFECTS. Iw consequence of the popularity attained by the Sensation Stories, many romantic young ladies have gone off with their grooms. We are,

school is fitter to instruct them in humanity t Correction and hard labour.

that it is wrong to break a cat’s . But ar eat if rageed, 0) e TLouse 0 however, happy to learn, that, in every case, the happy objects of their choice have been highly respectable Bride-Grooms. 7

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maa Ooropzr 15, 1864.] BELONG TO you? BrecausE——” “WN CLEVER DOG. Young Finsbury (after a Morning's Rabbit Shooting with some Country Cousins). “ HuLLo, WicHARD, DOES THIS LITTLE _QuaDWUPED Richard. “ Yes--Sue’s a Crever Lirriz Tara; so I GENERALLY TAKE HER——” Young Finsbury. ‘‘ Brcausk, ’sTWIkESs ME, I’vE BEEN SHOOTING aT IT ALL THE Morntnc!” MARRIAGE IN LAW LIFE. We have much Pom in announcing that the honourable Law Craft _is about shortly to be united to Equity, sole surviving Daughter and Heiress of the late Honest Man, formerly of Paradise Place, and whose loss many years ago was so deeply felt, and so universally en! We extract from Debrett the following interesting particulars :— The Craft family is one of great antiquity. In 100, Norman Craft having come into possession per fas et nefas of the estates of Crass Saxon, formed an alliance with y Verbosity, by whom he had issue, lst, Common Law Craft, and 2ndly Statute Law Craft. From these stocks are descended the great Delays, which figure so conspicu- ously in forensic circles. Between the Crafts and the Equities, a feud existed for many generations, similar to that between the Guelphs and Ghibelines, but with far more disastrous consequences, if we may credit Reports hee op circulation. It must however be admitted that no branch of the Equity family was ever perhaps —— enamoured of the Crafts, an ce would long since have been formed between some of their members, had not the banns been forbidden, by certain parties who had expectations from the Crafts. On what moral ground they opposed the union of Law Craft and Equity, it is difficult to endaeioeh unless that, looking at the Table of ity, they thought them to be too nearly related. We may observe en passant, that some of these interested parties were in the cabinet line, and had actually worked at the Bench. ad At however, a ion has been effected, owing in some we believe, fo the kind offices of Str J. P. Wixpe, of Divorce Court, Westminster, whose frequent interference between man and wife has not met with its customary acknowledgment, his judicial counte- nance having no scratch at present on either side of it. Sir J. P. W., Wwe understand, will give away the Bride; and Westzury, of Old Square, Lottery Office Keeper, and celebrated as a seller of chances, patronised by Her Magsesry, will furnish the ¢rousseaw, which includes an elegant selection of cases surmounted by the Royal Arms. The nuptials, it is anticipated, will be honoured by the presence of the eminent Physician Dr. Brovenam, to whom the Law C are ——— indebted the Doctor having frequently been called in to prescribe for his old friend’s lameness, and by whose judicious regimen the Patient’s system has been braced. We sincerely hope that conjugal harmony will give a new tone to his constitution. WHO WOULD NOT BE A’ GOVERNESS? Arter the warm weather we have had it is quite refreshing to meet with something cool, and_really we have seldom met with anything so cool as this :— G OVERNESS WANTED, in a Young Ladies’ School near London. She will be required to teach English, French, music, and to have £50 at her command, which will be returned by instalments.—Address, &c. Not a word is said about the salary this governess will have, and we incline therefore to think that she will not be paid a | for her services. On the contrary, indeed, it seems that she will have to pay the sum of fifty pounds for the privilege of teaching English, French, and music: for although the money, it is “will be returned by instalments,’”’ no guarantee is given her that will be the case. We had heard that America was languishing for an aristocracy. A roof of the statement comes by the last mails. ‘‘ Ladies are about to be employed, at Philadelphia, as Reporters.” This will make it neces- sary for all the speakers fo be gentlemen,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocrozer 15, 1864.

QUIET WATERING-PLACES. No, IL—GWRYSTHLOGWDD (Corrmvzp). avtal Gat the morning | = ag ah find my *< ones mame ret

I Fouty expected vile, as Fs gt on mental men oot to his o turned My 3°30 aw— breaking: evidently too ear light eae seized up vith last ote-book ty wing this er ie ie Sere ey I have illegible by broad eee inded oo Pook! write Poos ‘in the no man’ sland Gan just see is apt he ue isn’t. Tr sa phetomeaon On second thoughts, can hear my own beating lou stogelier under the blankets. th have heard some bold persons say Tbe hoton they 2d rather meet flesh and blood at ao than He gem Sup that Bm ny: are flesh and | Boo I *d rather use the Collegians ? Let me see. It would Kempt at aay to wake them ; another minute for them to gain a clear idea of M4 ~ il position; and in the meantime what would the doing? Is any man at any time, in Serer ag A in imperilling a courtes: nder favour of the blankets, beneath whose this between caution and temerity was carried on, I decide iw the ees a hero, I picture myself leaping forth to the Christian citizen, I breathe as quietly as possible, cof 6 allow one eye to peep out, over the blanket, as a cautious reconnoitring Something i is mene shes Some opps Sle as I can make out; p 3 for a very short distance at a great ae ast space of a minute, then setting grea again in another on. g it the — | dog ? No; nor does it sound like a cat. i know I shall be very ill to-morrow morning. Will these fellows never wake? The creature, whatever it be, is on the floor at the foot of my.bedstead. I feel a tug at my blankets. More ane ry sputtering, and uncouth sounds, like partially-formed words. Oh! I do bat live over this, farewell to Gwrysthi the Haunted Watering Place ‘an eee on the floor ever so much more at my blan- ible has hap- See there have been such “ Here bee, mum!” cried the maid, jumping forward towards the }1 | find nothing to the purpose im end of m * Oh bana, how could you leave him?” said Mas. Owen, re- ne aRaat Leave him! Him! Whom! Was I dreaming? Were ion of me, in turned my brain? or was oot — : Fp oor A y oo my A Monkey! What an escape I had had! ‘siehi Go ee ina trance? Sanan was on her —r and fly upon me. Those cael are 80 ae anol hemos this p Hed the create af the night | “ A naughty icky 7 ging thet that wants to feel its tootsy-pootsies and go a walking it does,” “Hey, 1 what ? Fondling a brute like that! Why surely, Mas. “It’s just, your time that aia ee be be called: the clocks is wrong, Sir, chureh one and all,” throwing back the shutters Fy letting in — | daylight. Me But L Sar T es cont afte little a eee ty d waking.) is was me: rs were an * The little ‘un ? the monkey ? the boa Loner Bein af ‘ Sir: you ain’t_arf awake : as BABY aaa ina tone answered. ’s ce ea was a large- wo pinooent ot Sum Se ene again, SARAH) he ’ll just bat | er ano saree tell the story to the Collegians and e; an the Tourista, who, within an hovr, were all about the place tronised by the eceably fei pen |e yeah Fe an oes? | Which caused, sueh shouts Gwrysthlogwdd state of exeursionist nin, 26 mended to the Limited Co I am in search,

A PUZZLE IN THE PORK TRADE. Baueviry is said to be the Ors of wit, and in point of saving manship pe it may be said to be likewise the soul of business. at to a non-commercial mind there is something vastly puzzling in the curtness of this notice :— CHEESEMONGERS.— WANTED, WINDOW, used to the Pork and Rabbits. Apply to A. H, &e. We have read this over twice without wanted by the advertiser. At the first situation, but, on our next to be “as — ae, 2 and we = @ man can make a win pr of hineels we certainly know some men who are easy to be seen thro Sa et NE ihe: earth is it that is “used to the = and re he which and where are “the” Foy and rabbits he or it is used of our readers who are idling out of Town, and have noting about, may answer these queer queries: but for confess that we have neither time nor wish to ae about them. a Young Man, as SECOND illing to make himself useful.— messing what it is that is ing we fancied he desired a that what he wants is

THE NEW VICEROY. House is far too able and usefal Shemp, ye Rave ne dones fies

“ aii te blanket out of his ey ce. and take him away,” | declared, he will w Take him a , by all means! What! lanket | Does the creature wide tr the rlschievous taaten of a Mivkey' “e capacity of a Boa Constrictor? Is it a monster only Boa, and the one-third Monkey, one-third pseudo d third ¢ Constrictor | Horrible ! tive

Does | turing posse the w war, Congo when the rebellion rn put down, shall This is oo Ones it reminds one a man, in the Bride of Lammermoor, totally uneatable, let it just be given to thet "ae

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Page 162

ARIV PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

i i\S St POP FE

“ZS ~~ > ~—S S ‘Wis, “Sap: re

< SS WEE Mea Wy Ye

* AS y, KN, OS yj ‘lh WOES,

fh Ea ie B= SI + Uh,

Brag = war Seas S SS BW / el wes

THE WEINBRUNMEN And a Liberty taken wif Seve

-—

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wy jj - 7 — Dr ae Zo A eG rn Bas Sa a: = 9 / MY Ditist mee , 4 \ , YY IY YY IH ‘ Uy} WY 24 —,.. N¥EN-SCHWALBACH 1 WIR Several Crowned Heads. fa , te ed Z "as l/ yy ty LONDON @ARIVARI.—Octozer 15, 1864.

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~ bee eed > i Se es

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Oorosmn 15, 1864] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. A SIBYLLINE LEAF. in > — of the * loo g up,” sensation” out of thelr into “a Davenport” their way into a a than their cup Prorysson ANDERSON may outdo what he is content to ae al > pag or sleight-of-hand, So de- are a to legitimately gg arty in denise wd call him‘ rogue, or to of the gy 0 beer fils Pi eg soe pH san bag mystical jargon 0 of the Wizard of the Nea Mr. rogues on the head, and gulls e knuckles. There before us a circular—the last dose of “ flapdoodie” that has been shovelled Transatlantic tricksters of the Spiritualist sort. ‘‘ THE (GREATEST {DISCOVERY EVER MADE, Is the MEDIATION WRITING direct to, and from, the Spirit World, in One Minute ! ac tnenad ae except Pen, Ink, and Paper.” yg By omg ag and phraseology of the inspired compiler. The Seers, in these respects, seem on a We have long that th This communication to the large world of geese “and which we reproduce, verbatim et literatim, m every point except the Sybil’s name, . on-— ery “MRS, BOUNCE. BUBBLER, Sisvix Menpivm, Has the extraordinary holding ecommunions and tion, for ene | gain of time, and anywhere, tog rr Spirit World, wine pvp dead, pr i ie Speria ere lon d qutane,:Thio dis ani 7 is that Bacon Mivoe, and Ruapawarntcs have not as yet esta- blished an Board the Civil Service Commissio or not one in a ego oot ey iperrits” (as a by ete Bess ive realm. ir lt ma rhaps, seems m nos recocieble wil the shored fact) it th a toed commun Souk Wok ciupinatias for spisterl sitatiionn, wi pig hymn ge fF = the three,” a lt in ink, — Sones Foe ree a ae as 2 din yo the other re AR ee Spree er ‘ pos poor ghee! If this is to ret eh oy,” pelinet we departed take loveanes fiona , phe universal prayer quiescat in * more than ever, and, above all, “may our Pg be s' Me bie the use “a pens, ink, poy Bussien’s theory of this “ extraordinary gift : ame “ Now if this be true, sure # Go een eremenren tenn the widest field for inquiry 0 heh tered wd. ~ known ; For what ca casting then to walae be car Weave aaiiaan aioe tes to receive an answer, telling us they are earth, because they have left the dead material s tual body,’ and are elevated to that "E'What can be more reasonable to the solontife a | fi We commend the ies of the “ Great virtue in an if!” But tate on bes itself, is that it should _be given to such Forstens and Homes and BusBLERs. But the “ Sibyle Medium” is not bie nor ecliia fhe does not desire to keep the gift to herself. She Se bes Goal lst se ean tech be true ”— dispose of it to others—for a to ‘write to their loved ones ;” cat's ob noted, that sho not undertake they will gy ‘leg ap. Fe the importamt point rie Hayy oh at all the vasty dees while = faves us to will they come ? wa pave asians | have we Gaetev Se aay Ge ertat’ snp cn BI Rave the pesrer me to eee ae ee can 0! making this great gift known.” And now for the list of ‘Mrs. Bussier’s spiritual ce. ali | It is large, and decidedly mixed. Fr Ye makes men “ uainted with strange ellows;” and not the most hetero- eous “crush” at a —not even a $ A turday night at Cambridge House itself—ever exhibited a more queerly compounded “ lot” ye that which enjo - the join A exchanging raps or notes with Mrs, BuBBLER. e ice sane puma ertca tre eg saner tras Blarney— “The Haythin Gods and Goddesses so fair, ns tre Niptune, and Nicodamus, All standin’ s' in the open air.” nearly as soon as it has‘left the body! Time is : for no Spirit can resist my call! I have the communions erod, Amphion, of Thebes ; Timothy ; the Sib x of the Dae | Temple, and others ; Queen am, Hay e ~ oo thie meottaaion ; een of Scots, Lm his “Life” in return. Mrs. Dupscan i bound to publish it. pe ef eB Beit Rossa Rett a 3 oo ished lst UBBLER’S correspondents of Mas. B can be cheap ;

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162 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Octoper 15, 1864, ot ie fees for communication with the other world, are, on the whole, Oommnions ng by post, by sending right pm om, enclosed) . é : : ; . é 000 “ A Book will be published with the communications of all the illustrious charac- Engagements from home, with carriage expenses, in addition to the above fee. oe ding. yg vteg toy 4 itt rend te rid—' am, Fe. or 10s, = mid : On Three days’ notice will be required to meet engagements. rue Spimir oF rae Seratr Wortp.’ Which will be the most wonderful book ever | “‘ All letters for reply to be addressed to Mrs. Bounce Busser, Greenhorn Road, published—all written by inspiration ! Croydon, Surrey. , “To learn to write independent of me, requires from one to three days only, an Communions and Seances held in London, Croydon, and Family Residences. | hour a day.” j hs FEE. “‘ N.B.—-Take care of this Circular for a friend, tus no other will be issued. —This Circular +5 is printed on the two inside pages, that it may be framed if desired.” “(No Fee accepted until taught.) ree, + tt es There, Mus. Bussier, Mr. Punch has framed your circular, as it Evening Seance, nottoexceed seven. . . . . . | deserves, in its own brass ! PROFESSIONAL LOVE-SONG. THE SCHOOLMASTER. THERE never was a prim(m)er, There cannot be a slimmer, She boasts that Mrs. TRIMMER Was a relative of hers: What her antecedents were, Too supine, I do not care, But her name is L-mpr-re, Which a pedagogue prefers. At a Social Science meeting, Of Education treating, By her side I got a seat in balcony above : Dressed in her profile caught me, And potential glances taught me, (Though she neither wooed nor sought me) The sweet rudiments of love. Soon my heart to me dictated, And the verb I conjugated hich since woman was created, Has been whispered in her ear ; With a blush and interjection,— Tn her voice a soft inflection— She offered no objection To its taking place this year. ° An Aldus—of the rarest— And a treatise on the Aorist, Were my presents to the fairest, With, I knew her tastes, some dates ; Gifts like these she scanned with pleasure, VERY LIKELY. And delighted above measure, Salt (high and dry for five hours). “ Hunary, arg you, Sim? Wut rou po as I po? at Srey ae ey ple hl TRY a Bit oF Bacca, AND You won’r FzEL Hunary, Lona.” ———————— ———— ———— Perfect bliss my present state is ; By my side my future mate is, HONOUR TO SCOTLAND Telling me, deep in the “ Atys,” : : , She ’s a pupil in her eye : Mr. P. B. Smottetrr, Member for Dunbarton, addressing a Meeting of his Constituents at When this ring—I’m on the rack till Helensburgh on public affairs, made an incidental remark on Mr. Mackinnon, Member for We are one—is on her dactyl, Rye, whom he described as ‘‘ a gentleman who always sits behind the Ministers with his knees We shall start and not be back till on their backs.” He said :— December passeth by. “ tleman . imeself. ry h . . . nn pokey &, he hr 4 aor Ave ; but it ke @ come ‘to know The reason Ze ~ ee * on. ecen se should be raised to the peerage, except that he bad been instrumental in destroying Lorp RussELL’s On the classe form of OsEPuINE, This sentence is capable of bearing two constructions. Steeled against the use of cane : Mar. Smo.ietr coup have meant to say that, inasmuch as he believes Mz. Macxrnon to be wane thoughts are not on tenses, te heed, « the clan Mackinnon, and therefore eo vangh dy be i — Th \. dares say de _ S - Bo gposed aM ACKINNON is a Vi prod gen ut thinks e merit of being merely n Svitetrten anid et to aay thes, aithonge for. th bove stated h wig nenitor te ip e may have meant sim 0 r the reasons above stated he sup- os i Mr. Macxnexon to ay Scotel , nev ess, Scotchman as Mr. MackrNnon is, Somewhat mantis 5 Somennens. e still does not deem him worthy of being raised to the peerage. i With every wish - Nasdoay asa By the former construction of the words above quoted, Mz. SMOLLETT would be understood Ta another sort of mood : to imply that a Scotchman, as such, may be presumed to be a vei ntleman. "Tis imperative to school her By the latter construction of those words, Mz. SMoLLETr would en to intimate that And 7 little cooler ’ although the advantage of bei a Scotchman is certainly not of itself alone sufficiently Or else she’ll be the ruler, ee a a tnt to a seat in the House of Lords, it is, nevertheless, ‘After Christmas tine at &t—oud. er Mr. CKINNON may be, there can be no doubt that Mz. Smozzerr is a Scotchman. Sprinc anD AvrumN.—Asa proof of theseverity of the season, is wee remarked that, ons = To THe Unrunorval.—Txe Royal H Society off d to entleman | late cold winds, several crocuses peeped up in belonging to the oe sama 5 am hn Aug sal at in catia pin "5 | flower beds, mistaking October for March.

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Ocrozer 15, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 163 PROSPECTS OF ENGLISH MUSIC. Art length we have an lish O Company, and it opens ina becoming manner with trae English music. We rejoice to learn that the reproach that we are not a musical nation (observing what musical nations are, some folks may, pene think the reproach a compli- ment) will now be done away. The Season begins with a masterpiece of the celebrated English or rather Irish Wii). wid) } iA) tte INCORRIGIBLE. Clerical Examiner. “Wuat 1s your Name?” Incorrigible. “ Biter, Str.” Clerical Examiner. ‘‘ WHo Gave you tTHat Name?” Incorrigible. ‘Ta Bors iv ovR Court, Srp.” composer, Denis Auser. He Frenchified his name in accordance with fashion, but he was an Irishman, and his real names were is O’Bane. His opera of Masaniello, with which the Season begins, was y called Robert Emmet, and was based on a story of the Irish rebellion, but the scene was transferred to Italy, in order to avoid political agitation, We almost regret that now that Ireland has no rievance (except the English names of the streets in Dublin) the opera has not been restored to its o form. The next Eng- lish ‘revival is Martha genuinely British wor of Mr. Fioatsr, who, like O’Bang, varied his name to Frorow. The fact that the only remarkable thing in this work is the “Last Rose of Summer,” shows its Anglican qrigin. Of the third English work, a novelty led Helvellyn, we know nothing, except that it is written by a first-rate British musician, Mz. Mac- FARREN, and ought to be as successful as either of th operas that are to precede it. Let us add—and with loud plaudit—that the new ment announces that “there is to be no charge for booking places, nor are the employés or boxkeepers to be permitted to take any fees on any pretence whatever.” Did we say that Covent Garden is the place, and ALFRED Me.ion the Conductor ? Come, those are English features, anyhow. Roo-i-too-i-too-ey ! How to Observe. Ir is pleasing to com the habits of different nations. In Java an empty flower-pot at the window means that inside the house is a young lady who wants a husband. In England a full flower-pot at the window means that inside the house is a young lady who has got a husband,—and sells his old trousers. AYES AND NOES, Bricuton will, Mr. Punch earnestly hopes, be soon represented by an able and fener may gentleman who has no need of feyes to instruct him in statesmanship. But if Brighton return a candidate with no eyes, its neighbour tings ought, by all accounts, to return one with no nose. CLOSE OF THE EXHIBITION, In Reviewing the Exhibition, which as we learn from our Vienna Correspondent, is by Court direction now drawing to a close, we are struck by the boldness of outline which distinguishes the great Works of our modern female Artists. While complaining with pretty petulance that they are excluded from many fields {of professional competition, these lovely and powerful Draughtswomen have confronted Man upon his own ground, and made him deeply sensible of his comparative insig- nificance. It is not speaking hy lically to say that their works in steel have swept everything before them—including dust in several volumes. Resolved to woman has tri out her magnificent designs to their fullest extent, trae Ber over obstacles which some of our boldest engi- neers might have shuddered to approach. required to throw a tubular bridge over an arm of the sea, he had no When SterHeyson was misgivings of his success; but had he attempted with feminine temerity to carry single-handed a hollow cylinder over Ludgate Hill, for example, he would have found himself in fearful straits indeed. Yet this under- taking is performed every day by Miss Smitx with smiling impunity. he Roman invasion left us some mighty monuments, which the| . more recent conquest of Britain by woman has completely cast into the shade. He whose egotism dictated the celebrated note of exclamations, “ Veni—vidi—vici,” darkened this fair Isle by his overpowering pre- sence ; but historians will agree that, looked upon simply as an extin- guisher, Casar must bow to Crinoline. _ No candid observer will deny that Man is a patient and much suffer- ing creature. Arrested in the public streets, impeded in his daily walks, crushed, worried and prostrated at Opera, Ball, and Conversazione, hitherto y a murmur has escaped from behind. his long-enduring vest. But now that the hour of his deliverance draws near, it is pos- sible that a spirit of retaliation may spring up within him. After having been so long kept at a chilling distance from Beatrice and bliss, who could marvel if, with vindictive cunning, he should tear a leaf from the ‘book of Beauty when it has been haugbtaly thrown aside? Suppose for a moment that, animated by a Mephistophelian impulse, he were to envelope his majestic form in a mantle curiously embroidered with fishing-hooks, long — and strong enough to hold a barbel? Dare she, whose huge; example made him err, fling even a feather at her humble copyist? Nemesis answers, No. Vain then will be her tears, her penitence, her agony ; for as surely as fashion leads to folly, so with painful certainty will BLancne be—caught at last. In conclusion, let it be remembered that he is deserving of honour who makes two blades of grass to flourish where but one Frew before. What compliments then may Punch not anticipate, when by repealing a preposterous inclosure Act, a bevy of Beauties is enabled to rotate upon ground where before it was utterly impossible to plant together a Brunette and a Blonde ? The Knot Untied. Tue Daveyrort Brothers, whose extraordinary “ manifestations” have been so well shown up by the Rev. A. 8. Dosss, are attended by three of their countrymen, who act as their expositors. These gentle- = - 4 gy for Yankees, but it seems more likely that they are federates.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroper 15, 1864. JAMES MACE AND PAUL CULLEN. To Mr. Punch. Str,—Has yours is not a sporting rint shall cut it short on That head, only that I meant fiting. But in re to a letter which have been sent to bya y sineing himelf Pat. hog R. jecting to the whic com asked him to see, beg to say that cheek is cheap, and fine words butter no parsons. Twice in that letter he have called me a foreigner,” and beg to say But am proud to be considered as such dy Aim, but if aloud a chance would shew the foreigner ae ’ t Howe retty quick on the conk o said Gu 1zN, if he wold put in an Apearance, as the wits say in my Parlour. Has for “Gladiator” which is another of his slang, that is neither here nor there, but am given to understand they was disreputable Romans like himself. If he means his mark at the hend, like this X, to insinnuate a Cross as my intention, he is (language slightly unconventional), but if he is only an Igno- ramass, which have his letter wrote for him by another Peay and bim make his mark, he is only an object of pitty by inserting wich will my Yours respectfully James Mace (Pugilist), LICENCE FOR EXETER HALL. week the Public Houses were licensed by the Magistrates. In proceedings we find this statement :— alee see i ** Mr. Potawp applied for a renewal of a music licence to Henry Powna.t, Esq.’ J. Cornpurnoy, Esq , Samoer Haypow, Ese., Paui Aveustivs Kincpon, Esq., Joun Frise Powwa.t, Esq., and Basu. Woopp, Esq., for Exeter Hall. “ The licence was granted.” This is true, but the report is a very inadequate representation of what took place before the worthy Magistrates, and Mr. Punch feels it the omissions. his duty to suppl Oa the licen ing asked for, Ma. Puncu, QC., rose, and leave to say a few words. He appeared on behalf of the British Public, for whom he held a general retainer. He was not about to oppose the application, unless unsatis- factory replies should be made to certain inquiries which he should make. He’ entirely approved, indeed, of Exeter Hall being used for musical -pirposes, ing himself very fond of music of the higher class. Tas CaareMan said that any information as to the learned ee man’s private tastes could not be otherwise than interesting; but as there was a good deal of business before them—— | Mr. Punce was the last person to interfere with the progress of public business, ; ps ipihesie g Tax Cuaismay, But you are interfering with it. j Ma, Puno was in the habit of addressing much higher tribunals than that before which he bad then the honour of appearing, and must eng, the unless counsel were allowed a certain discretton—— “ue Cuarmay, Counsel is now displaying indiscretion. Mr. Pouxca must ctfully observe that though the learned Chairman was no doubt all that was estimable in his private ty, it would be difficult for him, Mr, Punch, to convey in forensic language fhe depressed estimate he had formed of that learned person’s judicial intelligence. Leia Cuareman said that they did not sit there to wrangle with counsel. Mz. Poncu coneurred in that remark, and was glad the learned Chairman comprehended that he sat there to be instructed by counsel, and to be preserved from absurdities into which persons fell who did not a: bey advantage. Alter this little ordinary scene, business was resumed, and Mr. Punch, remarked with his usual good humour, that if he had said anything offen- sive to the worthy Magistrates, he heartily forgave them, and dismissed the matter from his recollection. He had always Middlesex Magistrates as the um of British liberty and the eynosure of neighbouring eyes, He would now proceed to say, or rather, in confor- mity with his friend Dean Trencu’s suggestion, would go on to say, that no possible exception could be taken to the performance in Exeter Hall of the masterpieces of Hanpgt, Harpy, Mozart, MenpELssonn and others. But he wished to ask Pownat a few questions. And first he would ask that gentleman, against whose he had nothing whatever to say, whether Exeter Hall was not always crowded on oratorio nights ? Mr. Powna.t. [ believe so. Mr. Puncu. Inconveniently crowded, from the number of tickets issued being in excess of that of the seats provided ? Mz. Pownatt. We have nothing to do with that, It is between the managers of the eyes and the public. people like a crush, and I am told, though of course I never go near such gnces, that nothing fills worldly and wieked theatres like a statement oy yt A ree slight! uncu. Very well, Sir, ve answer savours y of the worldliness you are so desiroes to Moclain’ (eopesially as gout rent is paid by the aid of the shillings of who are unable to obtain what they believed they purchased y Boe is business. now, Mr. Pownaut, answer this, es egress are for these great crowds ? : Mr. Pownatt. That is between the waked s the public. Mr. Puncu. I must have a better answer a 5, Mar. Pownat. Well, Sir, i pou walk becomingly and quietly, as they ought to do i music, they get ont 28 5 came 9; that is say, in pak ' 4 ‘ RB. Puncu. Do you believe that t of sacred music muraouigasly preserves a building from a Tae R. Pownauu. I am not prepared to say . Mr. Powon. There have beam, I balisrs fires, or alarms of fire, in churches and chapels, where religious and feelings must be stronger than even after a concert, and yet have rushed out fran- tically, and have been trampled on or crushed. _ Mr. Pownaxt. I have read of such afflictions, I have heard of similar emesis on people in theatres, Mz. Pusog. What reason have you for believing that no such event can occur in Exeter Hall? | Ma. Poway. I never said that it could not } = Mx. Puncu, Very well, Sir. If it should, is t notorious that the romans of Exeter are insufficient for the of a terrified multitu Mr. Powwatt. A multitude should sit still the nature of the casualty ean be ascertained, and explained, it will turn out to be a trifle. But if it be necessary to the , it is the multitude’s own fault if it rashes, and crushes, . M+. Puncs. A very just on, Sir. Are you aware that the architect of the theatre near the the Adelphi, has provided so many exits that, as was lately shown, an audience can be turned into the streets in five minutes ? Mr. Pownatt. I have read such a statement. Do you expect the Trustees of Exeter Hall to copy the devices of a theatre ? Mr. Pouncu. You have no right to question counsel, Sir, but I reply that those holy and virtuous men copy those devices to the extent of taking money obtained by offering every attraction to the public. Your rent is made out of singers and players from the Opera, led by the great Opera Conductor of the day, and one of your greatest nights occurs when your ree theatre gives the works of the author of Don Juan. Are you not theatrical managers Mr. Pownaut. Sir, I heartily thank you. I am not narrow-minded, and you have convinced me. That we, the Trustees, do not ourselves sell tickets is nothing. We share the gains, and gui facit per alium acit per se. I have to at on the part of myself and colleagues, that we feel how frightful wo d be the responsibility in case of accident, and our architect shall be requested to visit the theatre—Mx. Wes- steR’s, I believe—and examine his improvements with a view to their ainptinn at the Hall. Philadelpheion shall learn from the Adelphi. Rn. Puncu. I said, Mr, Chairman, that I had no intention of op- posing this licence, I now beg to add, valeant quantum, my most earnest assurances that I hope it may be granted. ; The Cuarmman. Recommendation from Mr. Punch is—— Mx. Puycu. O, I am sure you are—— __ : Licence granted, and the, case of the Pig and Scissors, Ratcliffe Highway, called on. ‘* Wer’t his Neck-verse at Hairibee.’’ Iy the balance sheet just extorted from the notorious CotowE Waver, is the item, “ By Church account, £7,256 8s. 5d.” What it means we know not, but sundry whom he has ruined would probabl not be ry to see him in the position in which culprits used to deman’ Benefit of Clergy. PAPAL PERFORABILITY, Letters from Rome state that “the Porz was impenetrable with regard to the Franco-Italian convention.” By other accounts we un- derstand that his Holiness is much bored with it.

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le ee ee wo @- Ons oh Ocrouer 22, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 165 , Wet 0 0 tt idle iL LL mye THE TICKET.OF-LEAVE QUEEN. (From the Gazette des Tribunauz.) after an exile of many course, be under police surveillance, and will, it is hoped, 40 natens to forfeit her ticket-of-leave. It will teresting to observe how far the theory of the regeneration of offenders is vindi- cated in the case of this personage, but we regret that the experiment should be tried at the ex- pense of the Spaniards, who have recently been naking advances in morals, and who must feel like the Australians upon the subject of “exiles.” It is stated, however, that she will soon be re- moved to the Asturias, though Aunabon, on the west coast of Africa, is a Spanish ssion ‘that might seem.a more desirable reformatory. | i a willing ear to the | | The Queen is said to lend counsels of her priests, but we are unable to sentation. WELL HIT. ately read, concludes a notice, in the Home News, of a piece recently produced :— RELEASE THEM. AN EXPERIMENT SUGGESTED FOR THE MEDIUM HUMBUGS. | PLACE THEM IN AN APPARATUS LIKE THE ABOVE, AND KEEP THEM THERE UNTIL THE spirits | #5 We | cidents are riotous, and the | Nearly every character is allowed to a in several disguises, and the plot is slight and improbable. The piece was successfitl.”” with what precedes them, make as good a dig his own for p a theatre. We should have Old Female Medium (a favourite of the Spiritual Magazine). “Ou, DEAR, Mz.Gammon, | a better drama if all who write theatrical notices | DON’T YER WISH THERE WAS SOME SPERRITS PRESENT?” | were as plain spoken as our contemporary. SOMETHING LIKE ENGLISH. Tue possession of the power of speaking and writing the British language with accuracy is the distinguishing mark of a gentleman. This is certain. But it is by no means so certain that this power can be acquired at any of the recognised British schools of learning. We do not suppose that there is an Eton or Westminster boy who can write a@ grammatical note of three pages, and the AncHBIsHoP or YorK has lately told us that the Pegi | men are for the most part awful dunces. Being constantly applied to for advice as to the placing of youth, Mr. Punch has been somewhat bothered. But a card which has just been sent to him from Bonn, induces him to think that the true bo of English undefiled is to be found in that city. If mere shoe- makers can write in the beautiful manner exemplified in the following dgcument, what wonders of composition must the professors of the niversity perform. Until further notice, therefore, Mr. Punch thinks that anyone who wishes his son to write really good English (many persons ae on very well without the accomplishment) had better send the youth to Bonn :— PETER NOSVOTNICK shoemaker-master IN BONN BonN-STREET No, 323. pote all the kinds of footclothings in a good and durable work of id and those are also ready to view and to pleasing reception in his shop of goods ; therefore he begs the respectable public for a favour- able calling at him. Punch’s Telegrams. Oct. 18. Rome, Orrictat confirmation has been given to the statement that the Porz will refuse to reorganise his army. His Holiness has announced that, for the preservation of the Tem- poral Power, he intends to rely wholly on Providtnce. ; The Holy Father has declared his confident expectation that the garrison will be replaced by angelic legions. Tue Port or Croquet.—Matter. RUSSELL’S RULE OF TWO. “The Vienna journals publish advices from Athens, stating that Eart Rosser. had addressed a note to the Greek Cabinet, declaring that England recognised no factions in Greece, and di d hical demonstrations. L further stated that in case of necessity England wo' in conjunction with France and Russia, take measures for the maintenance of o. and the strengthening of the reigning dynasty.” THe reasons are patent for non-intervention When Tartar on Pole sets his hoof; Or, when Pruss to rob Dane shows the barefaced intention, Our policy still’s “ stand aloof.” ; But if Hellas turn restive, with France we will crush a First effort to break the King’s peace; _ , What’s sauce for such large geese as Russia and |Prussia, Isn’t sauce for small ganders like Greece. OUR EQUESTRIAN ORDER. You foreigners who talk so much nonsense about the haughty aris- tocracy of England, read the following extract from a’ daily record of their movements :— **The Hart and Countess or WARWICK and fesally, arrived on Saturday at their house in the Stable-yard, St. James’s, from Bingham Villa, Richmond.” There ’s humility for you! Which of your Saints ever showed a | brighter example of the virtue so named than that of leaving a lord! Villa to go and live in a Stable-yard? Eh? Ab, but then, you w say that this change of residence was dictated not at all that noble animal which characterises the British nobility ; so that the preference of the Stable-yard to the Villa was merely an indication of | the Stable Mind. Alexander ab Alexandro. “It is stated that a Scotchman, at Greenock, is to have the honour of contributing a considerable portion of the machinery for the Suez canal works.” A Scotchman, of course. Who should understand the desert but Sanpy ? A Quzstion ror THE CuuRcH Concress.—Ought not the surplice of a Rural Dean to be a smock frock ? VOL, XLVI, Queen CHRISTIN. years, has arrived at Madrid” She will, of attach a gratifying significance to this repre- | Tue bitterest bit of satire which we have | and allusions are very coarse,’the in- is extravagant. | Those last four words, taken in connection | into the intelligent and fastidious British public | desire to see. It is comforting to find, | now and then, a critic who has no reasons of | by lowliness, | but proceeded from predilection for the horse ; from the sympathy with | pemyeet oe =o aa oe ee eee

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— [Ooroner 22, 1864. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. te 7 DOGS WORTH HAVING. LESSINGS on the inge- i Onr friends the French, who are always inventing some- which their friends the nious ! thing read Gay, and may re- member :— “ He said, and following atiher heel, With. cheerful heart he saeunts the wheel,” and iherefore, they may be. able strain their admiration — f x at the new discovery. But let them not be supercilious—tis a Briton’s fault—and let them read this, cut from Le Sport :— “ Rien ne saurait ees imprime au tourne! . | ducylindre selon. le degré de la. cursson, a qui s'arrétent lorsque le roti.est a point.” | _ There, now! | Turnapits, and what is more, these been for years endeavouring, in vain, to persuade English bipeds to do. puppies, and make a fortune by hiring them out to | shall send over for some the Clubs. la régularité, la douceur, I'intelligence du mouvement que le chien Hy a dees animaux qui finissent par ralenlir ow précipiter la marche We never heard of such accomplishments on the part of British fourfooted French cooks do what we have | SPOILING THE GAME. BaoruHer Scwatius wears a monk’s gown— (A strait-waistcoat were suitabler wear) : Brother Tewatius shaveth his crown *T would be well were his whole head shaved bare). Brother Iewatrus scorneth.a‘tub— (A douche bis deliryam ool) : Brother Ienatrus his-own doth drub— (Pity red was spared on himadg school). Brother Iewatius maketh aqpeedh— (Does de-only dish “tongue” -withaut “brains” ?) : Bristol Congress their daaty to teach— (Mong Chareh hobbies, why aah give 4is reins?). Brother lexarzus would mouk’ry xesime— (Is 4i#:monkeyry sole in the 2 : Hopes our faith by S¥. Benediaf's rule to make thrive— (is St Barnabas \eft in the karch ?). Brother Tewarius is hissed and howled down— (When did two of a trade e’er agree?) : Brother Iewatrivs incurs Pusey’s frown— (iw-re ““monk,”’ why go farther than he ?). Brother Ienatrus would lead us to Reme— (Surely Oxford might suit his monk’s bent) : Brother Ie~atrus would drive the wedge home— (With the thin end why not be content ?). Brother Ienatrvus from reason would turn— (Pray with xs what will reason’s chance be ?) : Brother Ienatrus ld burn— (And the faggots who*d pile high as we ?) Brother Ienatrus would have Church infallible— (So would we, but the Church must be ours) : But Brother Ienatrvs is stiff and unmalleable— (We’ve the root, and he sighs for the flowers). So lest Brother Ienatius frighten our game, (When we ’ve just got the salt on their tails) , How! him down, hit him hard, and cry horror and shame, And kick him beyond our Church pales. oe ys to re- We “ODD’S SNAILS.” —Antiquated Oath. PuyrstoLoeists, your ears. Galignant has this for you :— “ Snails are now eaten at Parisian taverns and public-houses, not in Jhundreds of thousands, but in myriads, and rmets assert they possess flavour which anulaes of the oun” f — It is a pity that the Social Secientifies have separated, as we should have liked to present a paper on the subject of this paragraph. It is now understood that human beings acquire a certain portion of the nature of that on which a feed. Persons who eat many oysters hate to be shaved. Persons fond of pork always keep their rooms in a litter of slovenliness. Persons who delight in goose get to believe in Dn. Cumminc. Suppose that the Parisian nature should assimilate itself to that of the Snail. Suppose—it is a very wild idea, ‘doubtless—that Parisian women should learn to stay, like snails, in their own houses. And suppose their imitators on this side of Za Manche should imitate them in that. How husbands would save in the articles of cabs and white cravats! The notion has so inspired us that we have ordered a new brooch, with an enamelled snail on it, as a present to the wife of our cheque-book. NURSERY RHYME. Aum— What are the Little Girls made of ?” Wuat is an Englishman made of? Roast beef and jam tart, Anda ay of good Clar’t. And that’s what an Englishman’s made of. What is a Frenchman, pray, made of ? Horse steak, and frog fritter, And absinthe so bitter, And that’s what a Frenchman is made of. (Therefore, my dears, you must be kind to @ Frenchman, and give him some Of your nice dinner, whenever you can, and teach him better. Wipe your mouths, you little pigs, do. ConrsoLation SraKEs.—Those you get at a City tavern the after you have tried to eat the article at home. ~ ASTROLOGY AT FAULT. (To Zapxret Tao Tze.) ZADKIEL, your next year’s Almanae’s just out, And so.are you, who ne’er divined the drought. The weather by the stars could you foretell, Then you might prophesy events as well, With some degree of rational pretence, At least without transparent impudence ; And he who looks for that to come to pass Which you announce, were not an utter ass. But if you can’t, with planet-reading eye, See if the Seasons will be wet or dry, Then, whosoe’er believes your Almanae, He is a Simpleton; and you’re a Quack. Question for the Peace Society. Say the accounts, “ The Federal cavalry force has exactly doubled this campaign.” If the man deserves honour who makes two blades of | grass wave where there was but one, what shall be said unto the man | , who does the same by two blades of steel ? AN ECCLESIASTICAL LINE. TueErte is no truth in the report that the Rev. Mr. Lyne or Brother Ienatius is to have at any time the entire spiritual charge of New- castle, which would thenceforth have been known as the only Newcastle- under-Lyne. Question for the Church Congress. Extension of the Episcopate —If the Bisnor or Exy wants a Suffragan why does he not employ that eminent Ecclesiastic, so well known to all on the Eastern Counties’ Line, we mean, of course, Bishop Stortford ? Tat1a Fatur.—We hear of a new farce on: the subject of the Bantine réyime. The name is to be taken from that of Mr. ANDER- son’s tremendous Surrey spectacle, and is to be 4 Fight with Fat.

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‘ OcroseR 22, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. 167 .PORTRAIT ALBUMS OF PHYSIOGNOMY. ERTAINLY among the prettiest of the many pretty -playthings le in these for grown-up peo latter days, are bums. and rence and of statesmen, soldiers, bards, and of s¢i your own, a Gallery of Physio- gnomy. you Gallery of Physiognomy may be just such a one as the Chamber of Teseaaa'pdaene the Chamber of Horrors. Headed “ M > i ts have many times papers offering to the recei stamps. In the window of a picture-shop in Cheapside, his li round a central figure illed with sun-painted visiting-cards of our and relations, they constitute mines of sentimental wealth, attachment and affectionate re- membrance. With those of the great, the good, the learned, pious, mines of reve- admiration. other remarkable characters, mines of curiosity. your- mine whose ores are ig and Jowgs, and kins- ‘olk, you may have your mines divines, la in respectable | Father its of that celebrity on the — of certain postage- enesses are arran: in the form of rays. They are only one shilling a-pieee. re may be a foundation for your Portrait’ Album of Physio- gnomy. But perhaps you will defer your purchase till MU.zeR has been tried, for, should he be acquitted of the murder of Mx. Briaes, he will cease to be an object of fos ad interest, and subside at once into a small German or. Were you convinced of MttiER’s guilt, however, you would do well to get his photograph before any possible increase of its price. MOLLERs, ales working-man says, be riz. You might buy the prisoner’s portrait on speculation, In the mean time, to assist you in the formation of your Gallery, enterprising photographers might supply you with accurate views of the existing casts of the heads of Parmer, Rusu, the Mannines, GreEn- acRE, CouRvoIs and other relics repose in gaol, and whose claim to the renown which is as yet questionable in MULLER’s case, been con- Fk A By proper ists and "ue ultimately be ortrait Al- friends Of likenesses. of all dis Whether M placed shall MU iER’s crowned in ts aut. i be secured. your ers, ers, op oil so ome um pri a to the girls may di feelings. ery of The Great Bottle-Stopper. , your name at | pre ions were in progress for the inauguration in . on Monday last, of the statue to the ught to have Do bat 0 carved in for a reason which we will not insult our readers by , - AN EARLY DANCING MOVEMENT WANTED. My pear Mrs. Fitz-Browy, - ; Or course, like every other loyal British subject, you have been reading with deep interest the accounts of H.R.H. the Prince or Wass’ recent trip to Sweden with his charming wife. How delightful it must be when one takes a little tour to have, reporters at one’s heels wherever one may go, and to know that all one does will be jotted down in note-books an published in big print ! y In our Prince’s dancing, my dear Madam, you and all your charming sex must take the deepest interest, if only for the sake of feeling ever- lasting envy of those whom he has honoured for five minutes with his You must be also vastly charmed by the descriptions of the dresses worn at these —_ dances, and must feel immense delight in being told that at the which was given to the Prince by the QuEEN AGER OF SWEDEN— “The Pruxcess oF WALes was dressed in rose-coloured tulle, interspersed with white Honiton lace, and her head-dress was formed of white and red flowers and berries, mingled with diamonds.” But what charmed your humble servant even more than this was to learn that— “The way was soon led to the Ball-room ; and it should be mentioned that, in accordance with Swedish custom, the entertainment began and ended early. There had previously been a dinner, to which, beside the Royal personages now in Stockholm, and their suites, the members of the Legation, Caprain Sir LEOPOLD M‘Cuintock, Capratn Bo and Capratn Suttie, were bidden ; and the hour appointed for this dinner had been -past four. The Ball, therefore, was actually opened very shortly after eight o'clock, and it was completely over by midnight.” Woman is, they say, an imitative creature, especially where Queens and Princesses are ;, and I wish with all 5 | heart that you and other English ladies would imitate this Swedish fashion of giving early parties, and of suffering your guests, as at the Ball of the Quzzn Dowager, to come and go away at reasonable 8. ¢ you my own ing days are over; but, as the father of a family, I ' often have to dance attendance at a party, while my wife is waiting to take our daughters home; and it would be a great boon to me and other heavy fathers, whose toes, although in shape “ fantastic,” are not so “ light ” alas! and lively as they used to be, if the Swedish hours for dancing were thought hipnable in England, and we could leave a ball ere midnight, and by one be snug in bed. I hardly know a greater torture than for parents like myself to be deprived of their night’s rest in the manner we have been, since people took it in their h that it I regret to tell | was not poe to go to “evening” parties until twelve o’clock at night. The Waits at Christmas-time are a great nuisance, no doubt ; but they are nothing to the nuisance of the waits that we poor parents have to undergo at parties, while dearest Jennie has her sixteen after- supper dances, and darling JuL1ana cannot think of going home without having that last waltz. Pray, then, my dear Madam, do follow the Swedish fashion when next you give a dance, and use your strongest influence to make the custom general, Think how many d parents will bless you for increasing their chance of a night’s rest, and how many happy daughters will be all the healthier for keeping earlier hours. ‘T'o quote the poet— somewhat altered :-— “ Barly to dance, and early to bed Makes a girl healthy, and keeps her cheeks red.” Depend upon it, Madam, sleep deterred maketh the young sick, and there is nothing like late hours for sallowing the complexion. Turning | night into day is a practice against nature, and it is no great wonder | that nature makes us suffer for it. As arule, I think that men prefer | red cheeks to yellow ones. So let the early dancing movement. be fol- | lowed here in England as it is in Sweden, and your daughters will more readily obtain partners for life, while your poor old husbands, ladies, will not be tired to death when they are dragged out to a dance. Believe me, my dear Madam, yours with the assurance of my highest admiration, if you help in this good work, pyreapyawras Puncu. P.S. Officers are brn, ! popular in ball-rooms, perhaps because they generally are the last to leave them. But were { to mention one whom if he acts up to his name, I should most welcome to my house, it would GeneraL Harty. Lines to Brother Ignatius. Hence, Ienattus! Go to Mass. Fly to Popedon, friar, fly. Thou dost bear an alias ; Better thou wert alidz, FINE ART INTELLIGENCE. ~ We are given to understand that there will shortly be produced beautiful coloured portrait of Zhe Cormorant’s Uncle, being a companion picture to that which lately has appeared of Z'he Kingfisher’s Haunt. and heroines whose | er, may, as the | | | | } | ween photographic | tin- Somzsopy Else’s Correspondent informed us that t | apostle of Temperance, | oe Maruew not only | , but should also have been |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Ocroper 22, 1864. FORCE OF HABIT. Old Party (in Hansom). “ Hers! Hotto! Hr! Waar are rou Drivine Like THAT, FOR? Stop! Ler me out!” Cabby. “ Att RicuT, Str! I’tL Srop ’m pirectty, Sirn—I pavy a Fire Enctne ror Two year!!” ROYAL NOTIFICATION. We had not intended to allude to a certain matter, which is in a sense private, although in another sense public, by reason that an Act of Parliament is a motive agent, or rather a hindering one, in the business. But as the affair is now the theme of newspaper paragraphs, we reluctantly touch upon it, for a purpose :— “We are informed,” says the Queen (newspaper) ‘‘ that the Royal Marriage Act has become sees cepremive to a certain member of the Royal Family—a lady who has endeared he to the hearts of the British nation as much by the frankness of her nature and the kindliness of her heart as by her remarkable and uliarly Saxon personal charms. This lady (so it is stated) is now sought in wedlock by a allant young soldier of noble birth, and she is not reported to have frowned upon his suit. The consent of her Majesty is alone required to make the couple supremely happy ; but that consent is for the moment withhel sy As our gracious Sovereign never does anything but for the kindest reason, we are compelled to conclude that the consent required to what seems to be a most proper m: is withheld ‘only until assurance has been given that such a union will not disappoint any young’ Prince of the House of Puncu. We therefore hasten to state that while we are second to none in affectionate admiration of the Lady whose happi- ness is said to be in question, we have other views for the marriageable scions of the illustrious family of which we are the head, and that nothing would give us, and our people, more pleasure than to see the contemplated arrangement carried out with the sanction of the Sovereign. All happiness to the gallant Viscount CucuLivs. The Cure of Souls at Homburg. Accounts from Homburg state that a cabal has been raised against the clergyman of the English Church thereat. The LaNDGRAVE OF Homsureé probably knew what he was about when he permitted the erection of that Church; but he has a pecuniary interest in another ae there, Nae it is the business of the Church to prevent people m going to. PERFIDIOUS ALBION’S LAST PERFIDY. Tue satirical Paris papers publish the following telegram as received from Suez :— ** Intelligence from New Zealand to the 6th August, announces that the Maories, had made their submission, and given up their land as a token of sincerity. Heavy fines had been imposed upon them.” Here will be another count in Jacques Bonnommer’s Act of Accu- sation against Joon Butt. The Maories make their submission to Joun, and, as a token of sincerity, resign their land to him. What return would French Jacques have made them in Joun Butt’s place ? Grace, welcome, and the value of the land. How does Joxn requite their concession? By taking the land which they have submitted to sell, and not only not paying them for it, but imposing heavy fines on them into the bargain—indeed, a hard one for the Maories. Jacquzs | would certainly have reason to call Joun a rascal if he were really | responsible for such conduct as this. Why, it is almost as bad as that of the Kine or Prussia’s army in Jutland. A VEGETABLE HAIR-DYE. Tue Paris Correspondent of the Post informs us that numerous pretty oung ladies are At present driving themselves about that Capital in basket carriages, many of them having what “we must politely call | ‘golden hair.” If Macheth should be performed there just now, with Locke’s music, it might be deemed expedient to omit that passage of very | plain English, delivered by one of the witches, in contributing to the cauldron a certain quantity of a young lady of that description. How- ever, the plurality of golden-haired young ladies in Paris is, according to the authority above-quoted, factitious. The hair of most of them is | golden only in the sense of gilt. It owes that peculiar colour to the coiffeur, Golden hair is fashionable in the French metropolis. May we venture to say that carrots are in season there? In London this autumn they have not yet come up. l *WOTSOIAY TT WITAMAOATONY, ta wawoarTMoa TYTWTa ANT | «—LVHL ‘NOILVULSNOWAAG AG ‘NOK *\TOTWONITT TATOO NTTMOANNAYH FTO nNOTOOTIvT ATW TWO. (‘Ajuappns asdinyjog s4ojoasuy aouvinsuy) £f—7WIT TON or OT TAOWT OF WW TTIW

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QUESTIONABLE POLICY. SuryrerneR sy Guxrowper Exrwosion. “ YOU STATE, GENTLEMEN, THAT AN EXPLOSION OF GUNPOWDER IS NOT FIRE; PERMIT ME TO PROVE TO YOU, BY DEMONSTRATION, THAT——” (Insurance Directors Collapse suddenly.)

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Ocrosar 22, 1864) PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 171 : QUIET WATERING-PLACES. ae on Ace, aad mas to the St oY re on the beenatne 9 when he's No. Ill.—FRESHCHURCH. a ‘T have a. goat-cha ag fame Bboy! How it ever coment § to me to choose the Isle of Wight, E, don’t con't boils in tle cov. know, except, was at the recommendation of keys and Bath chairs ; “and,” my tleman who into ‘iso oe at Chester. To him I setalod or i | eres I stop y + sas —— wa is without it—a “Wh bof y;” he asked, -unhesitatingly, “ Why don’t you go to the isle of —— Ly ey = four o? 2 Ha! ha n the pier! "y I oguldn’t answer him. ge Igo to the Isle of Wight? re hes of ow ae ae pe there ’s an. y hadn’ there long 960 peared: so person. | te becoming i ali hurt by ue maak ae felt inclined ng his conde but there isnt Pt: ty begs in fl then te It yi oat cf to Dolphin ou “Tt does !* Charming ! lorious ! —I recollect having been taken to Freshchurgh, in fallen! ; the Tale of Wieht ak the ary age of en. The subject of oar present | 1 couiiimue my pleasantry. Are theres frrewaxks the evening ? I panied by his respecte Oh yes, he should think there rather, ‘the Dolphin uo hess than than. do does their unhappy cd _ would there were, rather. Eh? r goo. , and mrch! (I make this note in the railway ear- | Squibs, and wheels? “Oh yes,” says the waiter, “mil a couple of riage, which is about from atte side, most unpleasantly. .0n, and a Storming of Sebastopol, with » 1” A hex- lived in a prety Male cottage facing the sea, and peat by the loveliest laveliest | plosion, indeed. About what time? I “Oh, atween scenery in, the e island. There was a village—a quiet, niiastenoailial ae Abt j ti abl to sleep ! chief feature, in my recollection, was the shop of a General | Delightful Andof course there’s a ball now am ! trades of butcher, baker, i ng the and, on my word, I , goodg ve sympathised and inter- flavours with one another. The shop hed) ted-calico-treacley smell, and a|' wi meow the presence of cheeses, produced a compound scent, nostrils of its proprietor, — slightiy. en aE Saree weed to, Say Sa Geen iieen, T deould ‘say | , we were the only visitors there. Mammoth Cireus——""_ Eh? + out at Southampton, and steam with vd Ryde. it Pica eons { " recollect aright. planes of Ryde streets, I come at I am the a member of the male sex on shore. eed me tata ag rather in Tek s > as I’ve rast ) ep ped | Had sail delttaneds ba setcpea Sek el * The Jockeys and S gents arrived this afternoon. Tiny always The Queen of Hearts! She made some tarts, and I had patronises the Dolphi her ar ee ordered your room in ") of eating them! Heigho! Here is my fly, with my port- Daten ; poaarres the wallet, ae oh pane forty was - to be taken. Tivo I ccsqzeteiein Gg ox i premrer Bel During my | public dining. “Well T could have it after the gents was done| always does a ho —a tarbul par bps AP gone by, the eo was the Inn, the small, old-fashioned hostelrie hat The 8 a hordinary— solbitenbeid> tin th the $ Preah forty” So That tndeent on tir, only yesterday, to toe lad gents was done, as there, perhaps, wouldn’t be mnoh ft, eat not . very hot. Cheery prospect "ll think over the matter. “It’s ghee ope Gk cee ah EE Bh ow to m e and the 80,” eg the flyman. » Ines the the Dolphin.” Then the Dolphin has| works "ll let me, me, ae by the lisat boat $e-morrow morning I’m off, or retty considerably—that ’s all I can say. And here is the Land- | [’]] know the reason why. Spony xy Oe nao fac eee, enged | “Number forty, Sir? Nes, Sit. Chambermaid, show Forty to his of bells. Hate bells. I wish the toom.” “This way, Sir. ag Noein go po t’s the *t do that on my account. Neat "sate Bacon flash before | 2 ow aL ¢ the ews, a ry Ai se ™~ a omell stables, I fancy, “ ell; i she says = Boots 8 eps my aang areg -“ Cane. stables are just underneath.” Oh indeed ! “Yes, Sir, the racers have oy gen rien e Kall ‘bee * got ’em, now and the jockeys,” Well, I'll have another room. “Oan’t EL an: e. yr #4 people. lookin Pe ete | change now, Sir, as we're quite full. All the rooms is taken daring hd a. eo "ays the Delain, with pride, « Freshehureh i is f= besadhgpen athe “~— teen qeony Number fo aint aed as quite a gay place no por Ga ad ne wd the t He re Me ped Fr only gives this ad to ~ ae or such like gents, as likes to hree steamers at ths pier-head now. A bell rings. Rush of people. as etree “No, a, tse eae Another bell. More people running to the boat. Horrid excitement. | j. ber forty pecialls fo 2 . I ask does that—-ahem !—bell oftenring ? “Oh, acne mewn A Pasa ie does he mean by “pretty well?” « Well,” 6 r.m.—Alarm bell rings. Goodness: Fire? “No, Sir, it’s the s, “it gives notice ten minutes afore a boat’s a| ordinary.” I am ready. it rings to x yanmar ge va there ’s go: then it rings—a g un— ee as 4 ee oe he et qmoment ag $ =n 3 Oh, i tat s “ Distinguo.”—Paseal. isit? “ -out-man’s 0 o ring when any £’s ith? a-coming in.” /And are there often boats a-coming . * Ob, mostly Po ae with’ CanprvaL Wiseman, the other day, Mr. Punch ae hour or so.” Oh, this is charming. Gracious lithere °s |” « athedrals ” anot What ’s that for? “That ’s for the navvies to leave off| « Aiba ane sega M9 nao “ We > e+ Doerner pene work : it figs to bring’ em to it in the moming, and then for their} We applauded his wit, and then read him a hundred pages of the Beri te own, ben My al says the e Dolphin. kre iat with | Book of the Church, to prove to the brilliant Catholic that though he and the workpeople, we’re > oo for bells.” Yes, I 6 oa they bers thought be hedus, ‘he hadn't. Ara ‘this te hehurch! The romance of m a, boyish years has vanished ! Now I look about me, I see there’s a Marine Parade, and SaEeee. a Cliff, and a Sea-view Terrace, and a Belvedere Mansion, and all is| Caution.—The other day, a lady, while soceing, over her Sewing- ine, —— biliows, vulgar, and bustling. There are machine, suddenly got a most t painfal stiteh in h her side.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. [Ocropzr 22, 1864, SABES —Yyy SS \. PA \ SOOoOAaser ‘GF =| ws &. AAZAAZLE APSARA LY YY ttt), . 4 I SS ———, LOSS AAAA AZ ff fo AZZ ma) ZZ Zia MAMQAQAYA SS is 4° 6fa CI I IO I IS ae IMAP CP PAA D2 z X WN S QS a SS | “ONCE BIT, TWICE SHY.” Art Critic (at it again). ‘Haw! I write THE Art CritI——” Artist (forewarned). “ THanky, NoT THIS Mornin, Caprain; No Norices THIS | MoRNING, THANKY !” [Cadger retires in dudgeon. INTERESTING INTERVIEW. We had the pleasure of reading in the French journals that— “The Empress oF THE Faencu returned to St. Cloud in time to give an interview to Prince Humbert, who subsequently left Paris for Italy.” What passed at this interesting interview was as follows :— | The Empress (to the Prince om his entering). Good evening, Prince, I hope that | you are quite well P ? The Prince (bowing). Perfectly well, I thank your Majesty. The Empress. The evenings close in early now. : | The Prince. They do, at this time of the year, your Majesty. The Empress. And I think it is growing colder. . | The Prince. 1 seem conscious of a certain coldness, your Majesty. : _ The Empress. 1 must not detain you, Prince, from the attractions of Paris, as your time is so limited, and as I am a little fatigued with a journey which (avec inten- tion) I was obliged to hurry— ; ; The Prince. t have the honour to wish your esty a good evening and repose. [ Bows, and extt—then, outside, to his equerry. Now for some fun, you sober old sinner. : : ; The ye (to the 5 Bale L have received the interesting Piedmontese, Sire. Louis Napoleon. Humph! The Shequestrian. By Mr. E. T. Surrn’s Incid advertisement we are informed that “ the price of the upper boxes has been reduced to 1s. 6d., to wear bonnets and undress.” This last arrangement is doubtless out of compliment to the unadorned beauty on the stage. The above notice must be taken as a warning, on the of the thoughtful lessee, to all Ladies, who might have, otherwise, been misled into giving their blushing countenances to remarkable exhibition. | | * Wuar fragrant herb would suggest an eccentric Comedian? So(u)thern-wood ! } HOW LUCKS DIFFER. Reflections on a Chancellor of the Exchequer by an Ex-Ditto, Waar is’t in party-life’s toss-up, ¢ me turns luck’s That ever when the toss comes “ heads,” My cry should have been “tails?” , With such rare arts and gifts to shine Upon the winning side, What ill-star on the losing one Decreed me to abide ? Why, when through public life I’ve been A thing for fate to cuff at, Has fortune GLapstone loved to pet As me she loves to buffet ? The cream of office still to skim, Who, partial powers, is he ? Why fall your half-pence all to him, And all your kicks to me ? ; I am as glib of tongue as he, As loose in party’s tie, As ready Principles to dodge, Consistency defy : From Oxford’s Schodl to Manchester's If he have ch his ground, From Radical to.Tory camp I’ve boxed the compass round. If in his Greek, as I allow, He goes ahead of me ; All mine, per contra, is the great Caucasian Mysterie ! If in his Church and State he traced A line, from which to stray, I’ve kept the pathway I chalked out, A youth, in Vivian Grey. To darken counsel we can both Multiply words at will, But then to prove that black is white, . I claim Ry Ln 3 n tossing off a budget-speech We both may claim to shine,‘ But then 4e works with surpluses, While deficits are mize, And then among “the people,” he Is free to take his eae: My clients are bucoli A very different thing ! * Popular rights and Progress ”— There is a text for spouting! Only compare his Bolton tour. With my late Berkshire outing! His scene’s a chafing, cheering Hall Of quick-eyed craftsmen full, Mine a poor board with farmers lined, Beef-brained, beef-bellied, dull. His matter’s at his finger-ends, , Docketted, dated, filed, While I must talk on what I know No more of than a child. It’s easy to make points on trade, Manners and Legislation, But how be witty on Manures, Drills, Root-crops, and Rotation ? GLapstonz has straw to make his bricks; | Poor Hebrew, I have none ; And if I try a shot at sheep, It’s a miss, ten to one! On cropping, roots, and cereals, I might be at a loss, But if there is one thing I know, It ought to be a cross, : The Bentinck lot when they are riled— F’en their tongues wrath makes keen— Say, sometimes, all my public li ut one long cross has been. |

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Ocroper 22, 1864] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. On crosses, thought I might . My school farmer oo ‘ould a longer wool. ai en Has raised a - ys That else werd hed lost. to win a breeder’s fame, But, ah, my fate was hard! unidea’d TRUMPER came, And trumped my one trump card ! And Watrsr ’gainst me took his text, “ Longer wool, coarser mutton ;” And my advis bucolic minds Declared not worth a button ! Is it for this the brown top-boots ‘And the beoadiieim 2 I thought ~ ment becomes a bore. But when a new veller gets for the | first time into new scenes, his notes thereof have a freshness and value. e Lon- don yagiicte M rot he Treland the other day to attend a fight, which was poke by Be _—s or because a Mr. Cosurn was afraid of Pye ed by a Mr. Mace. The gentlemen of the terary gents with them, and one of them, has this wo = aay whets — met ced ba cepa, ry golive, | The rae J and witty, oe lazy-looking, and familiar to a ‘diagusting | ; and the first-named drives his. jaunting-car, smo a filthy pipe vis-d-vis | ladies. A few Irish car-drivers, bri: g their manners and | the streets of London or Paris, would .- thrashed twice a-da: indifference to modern civilities. The priests saunter en ae | their appearance | for their filth re | thence fat, ely, and Trypocrtia! and, fn fact, Dublin, viewed at an off-glance from | pockets. has the ost unpleasant appearance.” These 3 impressions of a newly discovered polis are instructive, and we y delight in the muscular ‘Christian s dacleonhion, that as matter of course his. — would thrash car-drivers if they did not mend their manners. As regards the priests, we are not sure that the healthy eye of a literary fighting. gent may not have judged these gentry accurately, but there a spice, of ill-feeling in the sketch, as Paut CuLLEn, one of i ish priests, wrote a letter against the fight, and was rather severely seprimanded in our columns last week by the gladiator who meant fighting. However, we conserve the descrip- tion, as it is written in a better style than most of the twaddling, senti- mental, “ graphic ” sketches by modern travellers. of tra- | the scientific gentlemen commissioned to re While GiapstonE pee not change his coat, ops er make up Has show his ei self, To get a stunning “call ! % I vow it is enough to try One’s patience and one’s pluck ! Two men so very matched, Yet such uneven ! Large houses, large returns he draws, As simple GLADSTONE While I perform a round of And the nett profit ’s sit IfT had still my life to ke My fortune z to * Honesty is For motto I * But as I’ve, not, Ficiom Grey Must end as he an lt ther Ts my Caucasian man! THE THIEVES’ CONGRESS. (From our own Reporter.) Prigshorough, Tuesday Afternoon. INTRODUCTORY ADDRESS.} Te Inaugural Discourse of the Associated Thieves’ first great Annual Matting was — by the Ereniiens Mz. Parrer. He dwelt at a Tent on the between theft and ions, and on r at the bar. so acta in bot wend the Bore the ea THE TREADMILL.’ Mr. Faxeaway then read a paper on the Treadmill, = he de- nounced in strong lan Relating his own experience of ~~ ductive labour, he said he felt like a blessed|squirrel in a cage. The pillory had been done away with, and why not this here inwention, ,| which was ekally a disgrace to the hage ? should try to get up a ie agin it to Parliament among the benevolists and philanthropic e com THE CRANK. The abovenamed engine afforded a handle to Mz. Twrrcx, who com- plained that it was stiff work. He objected to ae — given by ee discipline of hard labour, as an amount sof exertion sufficient to * quicken the ration and open the a He didn't like sitch mente Why dad they not write plain sh, blow ’em ! A short but indignant protert against oakum-picking was delivered by Mr. Picxszy. He said that it ruined the fingers. THE REDUCED DIETARY. Mr. Rozprns gave a minute account of the alterations for the worse which had lately been made in the diet-scale of her Majesty’s gaols, which he had. deplored, representing the present prison-allowance of OAKUM-PICKING. ty, ‘the | | nutriment as “werry Bantrv-isin’. MECHANICAL*APPARATUS. Mrz. Looryr exhibited a recently-invented jemmy and centre-bit, and ¥ some skeleton-keys; also a new and ingenious contrivance for picking THE PUNISHMENT OF WHIPPING. This sore subject was pathetically onemne Sag by ¥ Styx, in a discourse which created painful interest. sed the deep disgust with which he was compelled to got som t the lash had nearly put a stop to garotting. The success which had thus attended whipping would, he sadly feared, ae to its extension to other offences, to larceny perhaps, or even s Very likely indeed an Act of Parliament next Session would award that ’orrid punishment to a poor cove who honly tried to frighten a rich old Swell out of a little blunt by threatening to accuse him of so-and-so. The statement of this a rehension was received with sensation and cries of “Shame!” h, oh!” and “‘ No Punishment!”

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AF eae Oo nF SIO Oe ee” es ee \\i == ( m =/ - > PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Ocropar 22, 1864, |

Z CONSIDERATE—VERY ! Master George (alluding to the New Governess, who happened to be within hearing). “ Cross, Disacrrzaste OLp Tana, I cant nee!” Miss Caroline. “On, Grorncy! BUT WE OUGHT TO GIVE WAY TO HER; RECOLLECT, DEAR, SHe’s A veERY AwkWwaRD AcE!”

HIGH BREEDING IN THE HIGHLANDS. Moo-0o! Mr. Buit! This Scotland of ours is a braw contree, I’m thinking, an’ between oursel’ it’s na for England to compare with it. Thae Southrons in their ain e’e are a bonnie race, na doubt, but there’s mair strength in the Hielands, baith in mon and beast. Moo-0o0! maun ken that I’se a Hieland coo mysel’, and I’m just proud o’ my birthplace. ‘I cam’ of a braw familee, as may be ye ’ll ve frae the beauty of my wreetin’, and I hae ta’en a mony preezes for guid breeding at the Shows, whilk baith my mither an’ my gran’mither 1 ’se tauld hae done afore me. And hereaboot the siller isna gied for gettin’ fat, as at thae Soothern shows it maistly is. Na, na, see noo what the J//oos- trated Lunnun News hae said of us :-— “We hear from e that Mr. Srewaarr, of Duntulin, has again carried off a large number of Prizes at is no nonsense at these Shows, as the Highland poo and their calves walk twenty miles to them and back again, and nothing of it.” That we walk forty miles an’ mair is true eneugh, my sarty! but how the callant could hae kenned that we “think nothing of it” is mair than I can guess. A mouse may e’en luik at a king, but she canna reetly ken what he is thinking of, ye see, an’ although a mon may speer at a eoo while she is ruminating, it wad puzzle him to say preceesely what her thoughts may be. But our walkin g to the Shows an’ bock again sae weel is proof that we are na sae fat. as show cattle in <3 an’ that our preezes, d’ye ken, arena gied for muckle flesh but for some- thin’ boney fidey. Thae Southron coos, I’se tauld, are pit upon a railway an’ carried to the shows, for they hae eat sae muckle that they canna even waddle. Hegh, hegh, Sirs! I’d like to see your famous = coo Butterfly walkin’ mair than twenty miles afore being ex- eebited. Moo-oo! She’d mak’ a pritty exhibeetion of hersel’ ! Aweel, though I’m gay gleg at mealtime, still I never was a glutton. Sae my legs are hale an’ strang, an’ arena worn awa’ by muckle weight 0’ body. I’se na sae young as I was once, an’ na sae bonnie a pedees- trian. But Ill challenge ony Br coo at the Smithfield Show ta year,

Moo-00-00! thae Butterflies wad sune be out o’ breath, I’m thinking, | unless they first had the precaution to Sae na mair at the present frae your humble servant Jzawm. through a course 0’ Banting! | P.S. Moo-oo! I’sethinking that as Scoteh coos are sae nimble on | their legs, the Coo that jumpit ower the Moon, my sarty! maun hae | been a Hieland one.

WHO WILL TEACH THE TEACHERS ? Ix the Zimes the other day, among other odd advertisements, we | came upon the following :— OME EDUCATION.—The wife of a London physician, having a country home 18 miles from town, wishes to RECEIVE a YOUNG LADY, to educate along with her own daughters. Terms £100 perannum. References given and required. To educate “along with” her own daughters! What a charming hrase! Are we to understand that the lady who advertises will herself be the teacher of the young lady she receives? If so, and if the English language be taught under her auspices, would it not be wise for her, before her school commences, to go back to school herself? ,

An ‘‘Infallible” Remedy. Tne Pore “ recognising the gravity of the present crisis, has ordered ublic processions.” His Holintes could hardly take a surer ag to vispel gravity than by getting up a ludicrous ceremonial. Shall we lend him the Lord Mayor’s Show ?

SOMETHING SPICEY ABOUT MACE. Jem Mace and his friends, we hear, lately wished to charter a West Indian steamer for their pugilistic purposes. The Steam Company, however, objected, on the ground that the boat was only used for carry- ing the Pacific Males.

to walk frae Lunnon to the s Eend wi’ acalf apiece beside us, Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Whiteériars, of Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of of London.—Satuspar, October 22, 1864. Upper Woou-n Place,in the Parish of St. Eenenen, the the Precinct of “frncr arvects to the ‘StuBride, City Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett --1 ot Fleet Street, in the M in y of London, and Published by them at No. of } | |

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Ocroper 29, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. TOO CLEVER BY HALF! Little Girl. “ On, Aunty, BaBy’s MOUTH Is SO FUNNY—IT’s JUST LIKE YOURS BEFORE YOU GET OUT OF BED——NoO, not OnE Toor!” ‘NATIONAL THEATRE, DENMARK. UNDER THE MANAGEMENT OF MESSRS. FATHERLAND AND FUDGE. The New German Play of ‘‘ THE ROBBERS.” Tuts barbarous Play, which commen Titus Andronicus in incidental horrors, has recently been brought out at the National Theatre, Den- mark, by Messrs. FaTHERLAND and Funes, in open violation of their licence. it is not our present intention to scrutinise the performance, which was simply execrable. Let it suffice that it received what it merited, an indignant storm of E most distinguished—and we may add without flattery—the coolest critics in Europe. , : The policy of FaTHERLAND and Funez, in offering this insult to public feeling, is quite indefensible. Speaking not too figuratively, these ag 8 rs have drawn a check to serve pressing exigencies, and which may eventually result in a run upon the banks of the e. When this catastrophe does occur, FaTHERLAND will find himself rie to shut up, and be glad once more to draw small beer at the sign of the Spread Eagle. Cea If evidence were required to prove the demoralising influence of the Continental Drama, the German Play of The Roblers might be called into court, and a conviction obtained without further trouble. The London \ rr we are often solemnly assured, has been tempted to try his hand at petty larceny from studiously —% ~ some me culprit’s success in that peculiar branch of economy. “a yout emulating their pattern hero in a fringed cocked-hat and jack-boots, have, we learn, broken open their master’s safe, eloped with his daughter, plundered the King’s Mail, and evaporating from limbo, to which they have been transiently consigned, have reduced demented turnkeys to despair and want. so, are not heads ro weak about their crowns being turned the wrong way by such a triump as that of which FarHERLAND and FupcE so insolently boast ? Some time ago FaTHERLAND got up a heavy burlesque upon Jon Butt’s celebrated “Constitution,” which, during its short run, hisses from an audience embracing the | g certainly provoked considerable laughter. Here FaTHERLAND might have pr In serene contemplation of his green bays; but, no! he panted upon a deeper stage, and with additional properties. In Le arg with Fupex (an Austrian Dragoon, and one whose antecedents not bear investigation), the German play of Zhe Robbers has accordingly been produced on an extensive scale, and supported by a company who despise Hamlet's well-known injunction, and perpetrate every possible outrage upon humanity. One word as to these wretched strollers. When inspired by Bacchus they may be heard shouting in praise of that old rheumatic creature their Father; and shedding tears of filial devotion over their sauer-kraut. It is with actors of this stamp that FatHeRLanp and Fupeg have pro- uced a sanguiuary sort of Coburg drama, which is justly pronounced a disgrace to the European stage, while aspiring to rank with that for which these men are such sensitive sticklers—the Legitimate Drama! It is consolatory to reflect that no applause has greeted The Robbers but that which professional c rs have been regularly paid for. Conscious of their high calling, their minions have from the gallery lavished their cheers with impartial fidelity on both their patrons; for it has been found, and is be of note, that the impassioned advo- cates of FATHERLAND are invariably the ardent admirers of Fupce. or a tremendous “hit” One Who Wrote before his Time. Ir is very curious that the two masterpieces of ARIsSTOPHANES should have slyly alluded to two great reigning powers of the present day. We refer to the Clouds and the Frogs. The Clouds were intended, of course, for the Germans, whose habitual dwelling-places they are ; whilst the Frogs could clearly have been meant for no other nation than our good neighbours, the French; for even with us, at this remote period of time, the name of a Frenchman and a Frog, curiously enough, always jump together. You rarely meet with a writer gifted with so much foresight. A Forensic SworpsMay.—Mp. Serseant Parry is retained on behalf of Mttier. Certainly Parry is a promising name for a defence. VoL. XLVI. T

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CHARIVARI. [Ocroner 29, 1864. HOW TO TALK TO THE FARMERS. E ht that Mr. DisraEt had done about the boldest thing he ever attempted in the course of his life, when he pre- sumed to address a meeting of British Farmers in a cheerful strain, and to assure them that they were not utterly ruined. In fact, we considered that the right honourable gentleman had pretty well done for him- self i lending such an in- sult at his friends, and that he must be intending to abdicate in favour of some Oppositionist who has a finer sense of what is due to the trampled and Op- Na, pressed B. F. A nice hornet’s nest he has got himself into by his indiscretion. But in case the author of Coningsby should once more venture him- self in the presence of a bu- colic audience, we recommend him to study the followin Model Speech, composed wit f/m a view to the tastes of the ga, melancholy agriculturists :— GENTLEMEN, Yes, let me repeat, Gen- tlemen, for when we have lost everything else,” gentility re- mains to console.us. It is with eo melancholy pleasure that I rise to propose the next toast, if indeed it be not a mockery to wreathe the flowing bowl when the cup of sorrow is so full. I will not add to your afflictions by describing them at any length. The British Farmer is eed, in the poet’s language,— “ The child of misery, baptised in tears,” and ConpEn and Brier are his scowling hers, while Free Trade is his cruel other. There is no comfort for him, for, much as I desire to show you some ttle bit of blue in the dark sky, I dare not predict that the Corn Laws will be re-imposed in the coming Session. Still, you must remember that you are English- men, I know, alas! too well, your sorrows and privations. have heard of farmers who have felt it their duty to deny themselves port wine at more than eighty shillings, and I have within the last few days been told a harrowing story— no, Lam in no mood for jest, and I do not allude to the harrow that tears your clods—a story of an agriculturist who has been compelled to wy bag upright piano- forte instead of a grand, for the faithful and sorrowing wife of bosom. Other grievous tales of distress have reached me, but I hesitate to narrate them. I know of my own knowledge that men ‘who have been accustomed to hunt five days in the week now often hunt but three; and that others have been reduced to shoot but four times where they used to shoot six. In ne own parish a farmer whose daughters have been accustomed to be instructed in singing by a fashionable Professor who came down from London, has intimated to the poor girls that in future they must be content with the ministrations of a circumambulant musician of the Hebrew persuasion, and, though you will hardly believe it, the saddened father was obliged to —_ himself the happmess of taking them up to town for the first night of Masaniello. But I will not accumulate such instances. I know that they will arise to the individual recollections of each and all of you. But again I say, remember that you are Englishmen, and bear your grief in manly silence. I do not say that better times come, but worse cannot. It is something to be at the bottom of the abyss of our sufferings. If I hint to you that there is a shadowy possibility of ya pers do not think that I seek to mock affliction. But, in spite of the dastardly and spiritless conduct of our rulers, in spite of their resolution to hu- miliate the once great name and honour of England, in order that shopkeepers may revel in their usurious and wicked gains, events = be too strong for the cowards, and War may break out. I do not say that I see it looming in the distance, but we never know what good thing is coming to us from the hand of Providence. A collision between two fiery sea-officers may bring on a quarrel at any moment ; a reckless and insolent despatch from a petulant Foreign Minister may rupture the hypocritical ties that unite us with an ancient enemy. Then once more famine —_ may gladden your hearths, and again the British Farmer, the true lord ornament of the soil, may be rewarded for his now unrecognised labours. But we must not be sanguine, for unhappily the national mind has been debauched, and the people have been taught to connect the ideas of “peace and happiness ’—the compilers of our otherwise meritorious Liturgy are partly re- sponsible for this error, and I could wish that the Episcopal Bench would purge our Prayer-book of those incessant petitions for peace. Gentlemen, I will not longer dwell on the story of your wrongs, or on the faint chance of their being redressed, but it is with a voice which trembles with sup- pressed emotion that I call on you to drink the toast, and it is with eyes dimmed with unbidden tears that I looks to-wards you as you drink it—I give you “the Memory of Protection.” RAYTHER TOO COOL. Our GLADSTONE is an orator To talk a dog’s hind leg off, Or from a mastiff’s hungry jaw A pound of butter beg off— But not e’en GLapstonE’s skill can make, A credit of a scandal ; ® Or out of facts that raise a blush, For self-praise twist a handle. He’s free to sing the oem of trade, Blazon commercial glories, And set down to Whig credit all Whereof he mulcts the Tories ; To laud King Cotton, through each tense, In future, past, and present— E’en if some facts he’s fain to blink, Because they ’re aught but pleasant. But when he tells us how Joun Bui as won a proud position, Maintaining he has in the world A mere commercial mission ; How out of Continental pies We’ve but to keep our digits, To win the foreigner’s respect, And save our trade from fidgets, We feel an itching to demur At thoughts of Denmark, P Of Jounn Bux viewed askance by With warm allies in no land. Profit and loss account may stand Better for such abstention ; But sure respect is scarce the gain We owe non-intervention. Or if this de respect that’s felt In Austria or Prussia, France, Denmark, Poland, Italy, The Duchies, Greece or Russia, Where England now all laugh to scorn, Who once at England trembled, Sure never yet was seen respect That so contempt resembled ! ** Take care of number one” may be Pole-star for course commerci But there are lights beyond the ken Of trading Rossz or HerRscHen. Henceforth if shopmen’s rules must guide The Council of the nation, The principle should be avowed Of counter-irritation. The fruits of such a principle We seem tosee about.us, In nations that vituperate, Distrust, despise, and flout us. Nar called us “ Nation boutiquiére,” We thrashed him, in requital ; But now it seems we should have bowed, And pocketed the title. Negative Portrait of a Finance-Minister. Iy pursuance of a project suggested by Mr. M‘Lacuuay, photographer, of Manchester, for the formation of a photo- graphic gallery or museum in which ‘negatives should be coeareel of the portraits of great men, some negative ortraits of Mr. GiapstonE were taken the other day by R. M‘Lacutan, at that city. The best place, however, for taking a negative portrait of the CHANCELLOR OF THE Excuequer would be the right honourable gentleman’s official residence in Downing Street, the time being that of his reply to a deputation inviting him to reduce taxation. Siete tits onc oo ce

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Ocroper 29, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVARI. 177 CONSERVATIVE MAGAZINES. ox _ have re- ceived a long dreary letter from a corre- spondent who, with some sense of his own obsoleteness, signs himself Shi, Y Are DEMONS OF THE FUTURE. We have extracted the following advertisements from the Londo daily papers of ten years hence Tn 7 re . " L°;, on Wednesday evening, between the St. James's | | | somewhere Hall and Hanover Square Rooms, lady, little little Spirit. Answers, | by a pinch, to the nate of “ Posey Cloud. ‘taldoonn, “Wat tor Me,” Poste Restante, Oxford | gee the Gentian whe was seen to entice away a small at once restore it to its dlscomsslate Mistreae, ahe will put the matter inte the hands Electrobiological Police. of the ‘(HE SPECTRAL-HANDS CLUB will meet again for the Season at Mr. H. Watxer’s Rooms, Piccadilly, at midnight on Thursday next. ; POLOGY.—The Spirit who inadvertently knocked out a gentleman’ pou sven at ian at the eéance in Pall Mall, last week, which it has now had cut off, so that a similar accident cannot occur again. ‘ Ae Oe ¥OU !—The Walworth Witches want an elderly , Ol particularly Address, , erie ¢. Spurceon’s ' hands apologies. Its only excuse is, that somebody trod upon its tail, and fond of to s ? cats, to complete a party } PIRITUAL APPARATUS—iPhe best wires, stuffed hands, flying | ited Jew’'s-harps, automaten eeiling —_ pencils, and cheapest and best at Doula Ghasiiy Repository, and Mart of N.B. A female\Medium instructs to be had © requisites are = | [ORD TOMNODDY begs to intimate to his aristocratic friends that | there will be no mere until the return of manifestations in Grosvenor Square suffiee on OY aula cams acti it has been necessary to remove | the poetic faculty and the spiritual mind amongst us, I propose that.a co i be struck with the utilitarian proclivity of the by transferring, to the most beautiful portions of British scenery sti remaining, the various powder-mills an azines. ef could be so planted as not to obstruct the eye of the beholder ; and after recent experience it may be hoped that they would create a solitude all around them of a radius sufficiently long to cover and protect a considerable extent of beautiful country. The objection that this arrangement would tend to discourage gipsying parties and 7 would not pumags be entitled to much weight, even if it could be sustained, which it cannot since people who have the courage to travel by excursion-trains would never be deterred from going where they might eat, and drink, and dance, by the remote chance of an explosion.” Our Dopo is one of those slow old coaches who can’t keep pace with these railroad times. He refuses to go with the stream, complaining, I ae Way, that the rivers are discoloured and the fish destroyed b thé sewage of towns and the refuse of the chemical works which con- tribute so largely to our ree He won’t accept the situation which the inexorable logic of material utilitarianism imposes on him, and he refuses to acknowledge that the old English fancies about the “merry greenwood” and that sort of thing are all bosh. THE FUTURE OF THE UNITED STATES. (From Our Own Correspondent.) Lixe the bald eagle soaring in majesty above the clouds, when our free and enlightened Republic, once more united, has riz into a gigantic Empire, don’t you suppose we ’re a-goin to take up with the cast-off liveries of Bares. No; we mean to have a flunkeydom of our own; we do. We will have our cocked hats worn fore and hind, an our shoulder-knots between the shoulders. Our plush shall be all striped and spangled with stars. Our coats shall be braided with platinum and aluminium aon ar hair-powder shall be made of: maize ; and our footmen’s calves be as big again as any of yourn. Our Emperor shallfhave a Lord High Valet instead of Chamberlain. He shall have a Lord High Boots. In place of a Mistress of the Robes we will give our Empress a Mistress of the Crinoline. The Court of Washington shall be attended with Ostlers in Waiting, not Grooms. For your Master of the Horse we will have a Manager of the Circus, Gals of Glory for Maids of Honour, and Hossbreakers for Equerries. And if we don’t altogether eclipse, extinguish, and utterly stump out your old outworn effete Royalty with our go-ahead rampant, roaring, Imperial splendor, it ’s a pity. ae, Why are ja not rv at the Medium’s affectionate Monday night? It. was-very ——— io what you did with the seventy pounds of 5 your vill, but which we pink notes. | cannot \ Se.puskel ghee! But all shall be if will appear and say where the © is. Your inconsolable Lorry. * senor ty money widow, Spirit, hear my Prayer” on the aceordion. p= MAGIC GIBUS, without which no a drawing-reom, can be had at Bra street. It flies.across the room, and returns hatters are'mad about it, illus the saying, “‘ mad as a hatter.” ILLIAM SHAKSPEARE, of Stratford-upon-Avon, Dramatist, has promised to appear in the nine raps, and ‘* Sweet tleman can mow appear in Daw's establishment, Regent to its owner. All the other , spirit, at Mrs. Gropey’s Séance on Saturday, and | will dictate a new scene for his tragedy of Hamlet. Gin and other refreshments in | the back parlour. Wipe your shoes. CARD.—Jim Maw .ey, who will be faced by the Nopsy BELLowser, | reminds his friends of the harmonic meeting on Sunday even’ next, at the Cock Phantom tavern. Some spirits of departed ‘‘Pugs,” including Menpoza and CHICKEN, are ex to attend and pitch into the meeting. Pipes, baccy, and «Spirits of another sort,” SHAKsPzARE—hem ! ICKPOCKETS. — Numerous robberies constantly taking place at a irit Seances, when the lichts are ex , the police advise persons iohevae g. Scotland Yard. tinguished. such performances to pick their own pockets in their dressing-rooms ARNING.—The lady who seized and detained the Hand which was — placing a wreath on her head at Herr Von Cacuiosrro's, on W night, | is known, and if she does not restore it, without saying anything to anybody, and | with the machinery uninjured, revelations which the Spirits have made about her early life will be convey: her. Tremble and obey! [HE GHOST OF MOZART will be called up Association Meeting, on the Ist instant, and supernatural music in Don Giovanni. [* IS REQUESTED that the two gentlemen who conveyed a lady in strong hysterics from the Apparition Hall, last Saturday, will say nothing of what she stated during her excitement. was some mistake—her brother was not drowned, as alleged by the Spirits, but has returned with a wife and many nuggets. CLARA. [PD Ss0LuTIon OF PARTNERSHIP.—The partnership heretofore existing between Enpor Trick and Grimm Dipper, Spiri dissolved by consent of Mr. Justice Sterne, who has sentenced the former to seven years and a flogging, and the latter to the Siberian Penal Settlement for life. Central Criminal Court, October, 1874. play some variations on the Two Corrections. Mr. Puncu proposes to kill two birds with one stone. A paragraph of dramatic criticism which he cited, with plaudit, last week, crigieally appeared in one of the able theatrical articles in the London Review, and were that excellent journal as fortunate in its selection of miscellaneous information as it is in its dramatic critic, it would not have given cur- rency to a ridiculous story of offence alleged to have been taken by Us at a diverting statement by our admired friend, Ricuarp Burton, to whom we now drink in a nip of 4#s namesake, in testimony that we were heartily amused with ours, to those who are interested in knowing something about at the Musical Phantom — | | , has been | a = 4 Se ea te oe

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_~ “1 @ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroper 29, 1864. J ZAP 444 ae IM ppidvaeaitl! BROUGHAM DRIVES UP—TWO LADIES IN TOXOPHILITE COSTUME ON THE BOX, ONE DRIVING—PAIR OF TOP- BOOTED LEGS STICKING OUT OF WINDOW. Driving Lady (log.) “Ou, Frank, DEAR, ONLY FANCY, GEORGE H4S GOT sO Tripsy¥ AT THE ARCHERY MEETING, THAT WE’VE BEEN OBLIGED TO PUT HIM INSIDE, AND Drive HoME OURSELVES—aND Poor Ciaka HaS PINCHED HER FINGERS DREADFULLY PUTTING ON THE Drac, COMING DOWN BLuNsDEN HILL!” PITY THE SORROWS OF A POOR OLD—BISHOP. I’m an elderly prelate, well up on the Bench— Not a mere zovus homo like THomson or TRENCH— I belong to the good easy-going old times, When quiry was heresy, Doubt worst of crimes. When to drift with the tide and take things as they came, And stand on old ways, was th’ episcopal game. When a man of , and sound views, in priest’s orders, Found a liberal profession and liberal rewarders ; When a Bishop was never seen out of his wig; When his lawn-sleeves were ample, his revenues big ; When a seat on the Bench if one’s way one could win to, There was no mean Commission one’s rents to pry into— Heaven knows what might now be our abject position, If the Bench were not pretty strong on the Commission ! Then the Bench was a place of Right-Reverend repose, Whereon round, smooth, and stout, we church-pi arose ; We might not be strenuous, but we were solid— Nay, some of us, p’raps, may have verged —_ stolid— But their function, I take it, the mitre that don, Is to stand, not to stir, to maintain, not move on. You may whip Peers through school, edit Greek plays at College, But you ’re bound to scout Progress and snub useful knowledge. These Conservative duties we nobly disc And no one can say we the Church-pale enlarged : Hooker, Pearson, and Butt, summed our stock of Theology, We pooh-poohed the Germans, and smiled at Geology, None then heard that vile dogma, which holds all sins’ seeds, “Honest doubt has more faith in’t than half of the creeds!” But now-a-days storm-tossed is every see, Say, “‘ Good bye, peace of mind!” you that Bishops would be : Nw — \ mney a nell | 4 av. 3) | Nl Vg : 4 =e i a As for quiet and ease, they are dreams of the past, Now even Church-pillars are asked to move fast. _ What with all sorts of heretics, printing and gabbling, Theologists, Rationalists, Socialists squabbling— And, as if such outsiders had not enough vexéd us, Here’s a Bishop (Colonial, ’tis true) loose on Exodus! Then one’s friends who ’d defend from the foes who ’ve attacked one, | Display an activity fit to distract one— Show all sorts of new lights, raise all sorts of vexed questions — Convocations and Congresses, schemes and suggestions, Till, a real Church militant, all seem at strife, — Anda Bishop is doomed to ‘‘ hard labour for life.” We are poked up to cut out Neology’s cancer : To condemn’s not enough, they expect us to answer / When heretics argue ’tis we must oppose ’em, And, besides opening questions, we ’re called on to close ’em. And all for a stipend that barely affords A subsistence for one who takes rank with the Lords. While one can’t give a living to son or relation, But the Press bawls out “ nepotism” all through the nation. Srpney SmitrH made a joke how Fejee soon would vary Its diet of bread-fruit with cold Missionary— 4.9 And the practice that loose canon thus shrined his wit in Has spread, in an awfuller form, to Great Britain— Till for popular carving no meat you can dish up So sure to be relished all round, as roast Bishop ! Quite Accounts for it. Amone the names included in the Proclamation of Outlawry, made by that well-known officer, who bears the ominous name of “ Hemp,” on ednesday last, we find that of “‘ Easterly Rains.” This fully accounts for the late dry weather.

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— Ocronzr 29, 1864,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 181 aan AND OFF ica pecan ea pices Reietetincenes within ane Prineipal Male ditto, say, Guster, The Foun Discriminating Public, im Pit. The tame, tn Stalls . ACT I—Sczrnz 1. Banking House. Real gas burning. Real Clerks sitting at real desks before real ledgers, casting up real accounts; Eater real Ovp Conrwwentian Cuerx, speaking to the Bawemm in @ really confidential manner. Banker. Show him in. [OL See eee shows in i, , whoever tt is, and remains: in room Banker. Leave the room. [ComPiDENTIAL CLARX leavee the room, and is seen watehing at the Respected Manager (in his first dress, aside darkly), 1 lave the “fo Commons Cunnx apes isening and weehngat window Entr acte. Glen overtear, Jou know, Discriminating Audience in Stalls, | see the story ; that old: aoe, and then turns up again as the only witness p> Sa siseortn’ any one can tell that. What I want to see is the movi the fire. 3 én Pit, Did you see the old fellow looking in node oe PBL Well, it’s him as finds it out, and comes up at ag et ae Ped Lith they ’d make haste with the fire, though. ACT [1.—Sc 1. Vi the Met Miniat, jac a, Samy Sart 8s i principal mals ond fonale characters, the and proceed with the Soest tie emry tomy ey 2 Wonderful Scene! Exactly like. Poet ‘el Person Sitto. Whe Proowiiliy r Yes. a is it ? Brat Peron. Wat —" confused). Well, between St. James’ street anno ea 's the name of the street itt aves The his Wi ? 5 Boneody Hs (hi @ rif), Nd es on can’t you see, Pa OF Somebedg Wall, but IEE ce oe inepced te be Mati —from—St. Martin’s Church °— —(appeals to Friend). It isn’t from St. Fa a Hack * the tt Ae eras and yet I don’t know. ees, ot ol That’s Portland P ductor Pry: Wis, s Po lace, Pooh! that’s the Strand—and there ’s— seach fy wm Lye ty hear dialogue onthe Stage). Hussssssh. ¢ Principal Male ale Character (onbeock eee ee Principal Female Ditto (embracing Martin’ Hat's Orure, is ). No! never ! ). Never! never! [Exeunt together ACT Il1.—Scene 1, Room in a Suburban Villa. Spot 8 A pmee m more confidential than looks mysteriously about ; walks across the Stage, stops, Moke heck at ed changed Ms mind ihe enter ey fora if he hadn't, Discerning Person (pleased with himself). I said he ’d appear again. Re-enter oN og age en Goes in some one, ae has an interview TAL CLERK re-appears, losely followed the ee eon be YS the plot). You may Scunz [.—4 Drawing-room, Very exciting scene, RESPECTED MANAGER, in another dress, says that he’s got the Receipt. (The general opinion of Audience is, that the Confidential Clerk wil fase ve ot OS eet eae rather strongly. cep agora lion having collared Respected Manager, the : descends ACT IV.—Sonn: L A House Front. ang: bs te: that’s the Confidential out his Pit. Why 8 —( finds Interested Person mistake) No, it isn't. 1 wonde way he [House begins to blaze—bang, crack. gee gy nel water cae a pon ly blankets, real = a ee oe he Entr acte. ttse tN ine Eee te tok there's 20. emlllor rowel Audience (recoveri Person in Stalls. smoke. Second well-informed Party. WiavsHisnaMe, the patented it on that account ; it’s a great thing not to you any or Curtain rises on Scune dast.—Supposed to bea Deeniingenn adjoining the street where pe be By the chimneys have not been swept lately, as it is so dil of smoke that the people on the stage are partially Srom view, ee in Stalls (coughing). I say this—ahem—ahem—there’ is a smell— Pe ‘informed Party (rather taken aback). Yes—there is—ahem. em! ahem ! Audience (Coughing). Ahem! ahem! ahem! &c. Principal Character (somewhere on stage). Dear Janze—ahem— let the past be—ahem—ahem— (Coughs. Jane. Gustavus—I—ahem! ahem! hs. Audience (under the i that Clerk is fe aioe straight behind the smoke). Who’s that sabiet em Respected Manager (appearing —ahem—friends in rout —(oe smile on our endeavours—ahem: s ees to supper—ahem—a pie A couple, ae 8 Persons to one another going out. Yes; but what be- came of the ConFIDENTIAL CLERK ? tir ted that he was accidentally burnt in the fire. Per it doesn’t matter. _ ‘aintly above the footlights). And if our ca cae Pome Sa as but. only will not here te Alege of the [ Chokes. TESTS OF “MEDIUMSHIP.” Ma. Ponc In all’ the letters which have been formances of the Bro DavENPORT, been unaccountably omitted :— **Catorart was then introduced, and the Messrs. Davenrorr underwent the process of being piniuned, atthe hands of that experienced operator.” Of course the Davenrorts are prepared to stand the a verre ge undo bonds fastened for them by ——_ eminent artist hey will iy ub fo be pa fo ta, test, andi they oanot undo Jetailine the following statement *| those bonds, will confess Lesage rte or Eat wh Mk Cutars oldirheDava: PORTS ; convince you really do untie ro: preter: nat agency, they have not the least obj to et baer tie it for them, Ho tie them up altogether in the Old Bailey, which would ae ee - to prove their pretensions, or, they admit, would serve them rig In the meantime, I may confidently state, that if certain essed Mediums, having been committed to erro am under — ® Vagrant Ac together with myself, were placed in lps | there shut up, our handcuffs would be found oo ewig mae we had reached the end of our journey at the House of Correction. Tam, &., Fercusox, P.S. As an experienced Spiritualist, I can vouch for the fact that it is quite possible ia Medan ade io naa’ go oles stepping on it,

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182 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Octonzr 29, 1864, ~ 1M j ul" > ! * my x DISCRIMINATION. Pudgeby. “Max I HavE THE PiEasureE, Miss Licutroot, ron THIS WaLTz?” Miss L. (promptly). “Ou! very Sorry—l’m Encacep svery Wa.tz.” Pudgeby. “Tue NEXT QuADRILLE, THEN, May I——?” Miss L. “ Wstt, You LOOK A LITTLE jMORE LIKE A QUADRILLE—MUST SAY. Pieasore!” INDIFFERENCE AND INDIGNATION. & Burt. * You never should rebuke the strong, fice spent Its then thal tale abt, or 8 or them suffer If you can’t strike to right them. esd our action should rough, r else your language e; For all ot moral foree Estuft Your blame is sentimental.” * Then what direets material force, But sentiment behind it ? Could censure do no harm, of course Your tyrants wouldn’t mind it. *Tis sentiment that moves the fist, And puts the toe in action. In execrating brutes persist, It is some satisfaction.” FASHIONABLE ARRIVALS. Our Money Lender.—From Borrowdale.. Our Stan Counsel.—From the Giant’s Causeway. Our Butcher.—From the Chops of the Channel. Our Doctor.—From Lancing. Our Confectioner.—From Bakewell. Our Beekeeper.—From Honeybourne. Our Flirting Friend—From Florence, Con- stance, Nancy, i, Sophia. Our Pewopener.— From ock’s Gate. Our Undergraduate.—From Reading. Our Tailor.—From the New Cut. OurOwnCorrespondent.—From Penmaenmawr And our Darlings.—From Archangel and the Coast of Bonny. P.S. Mace and Cosurn are zof going to Spa. Mr. Brieut is in the Pacific. Sm Aveustus Cu1rrorp is still at Blackrod. Wits TWA GOWKS AT GLASGIE. Mr. Ricnarp Weaver, formerly a pugilist, having been converted to some species of Dissent, has turned er, now thumps ths pulpit instead of punching antagonists’ heads, and, having ceased to pound the human face divine, expounds divinity. According toa Scotch paper, a soirée was given the other evening to Mrz. Wzaver, at Glasgow, where he “has just completed a ‘ revival ent.’” No sparring, eontroversial or fistic, appears to have taken on this occasion ; but a certain Rev. Mr. Howrs, of the Wynd Free Church, in the course of some remarks which may or may not have been altogether foolish and impertinent, referring to a —— which Lorp ARpMILLAN had made on proposing the memory of Burns at the Ayrshire Society’s banquet, declared that “ he should like to know what good the productions of that poet could — effect amongst those living in the wynds and alleys of Glasgow.” It would be difficult to match this observation exactly in respect of wisdom; but Mr. Weaver did it. He followed . Howrs in an address, wherein he said that “he did not wish to be told of a SHaxksPEaRE or a ‘ Bossy Burns,’ but he did like to be spoken to concerning a Knox or a Luruer.” As for Lurues, it is not easy to imagine what peculiar interest Mr. Weaver can take in him. One can heal suppose that the great German Reformer had much to do with Mr. Wzaver’s reformation. But as an ex-bruiser, and an illiterate person, who does not wish to be told of Burns or SHAKSPEARE, and whose ideas of orthography are likely to be hazy, it | is conceivable that Mr. Dick WEAVER may venerate the name of NOX. Howre and Weaver being so closely alike as the nonsense above quoted from their respective mouths proves them to be, let some com- | pons Scottish sculptor sacrifice them to the insulted d’s poet by representing one of them as Zam o’ Shanter and the other as Souter Johnme. Mr. Howre could ly be represented as a a fool; but his friend Dick might be portrayed as Bottom the WEAVER. Ecclesiastical News. Taree youths have been fined at Clerkenwell, for bringing fireworks manes of Scot- | | | THE ROAD TO RUIN. America is always lamenting that she has no ruins. In an Empire sO young, a building that has numbered ‘its ‘as Ay seventy mays is looked upon with quite an antiquarian interest. fact, they have no Tintern Abbey, no Roslyn Castle, no Stonehenge, no Westminster Abbey, not an ancient cathedral, scarcely a venerable old mansion. Everything is new, as though the bricklayer had left it only yesterday. However, let not America despair! The want she deplores may soon be supplied. Let the North and South but persevere in fighting in the same fratricidal manner, and we will warrant that before many years have flown over the head of the Liberty that so nema stands on the top of the Capitol at Washington, America will be able to show the largest ruin in the world—we mean, no less a ruin than that of her model Constitution. There will be nothing to be seen like it since the days of Ancient Rome. Were Vouney alive, he would write a series of philosophical chapters upon so stupendous a theme for the next en of his celebrated “ Ruines, ou Méditations sur les Révolutions des mpires,”” Happy Land! In Japan, political functionaries have a penetrating sense of respon- omen A Member convicted of corruption, loses no time in ousting himself to avoid cutting sarcasms from the law officers of the Tycoon. Ministers escape a deadly blow from the Opposition, by directing one at their body corporate, and a Foreign Secretary atones for his diplo- matic miscarriages by a “ Happy Despatch.” FASHIONABLE NOTE AND QUERY. (Interesting to Waiters.) Way are white chokers, of an evening, de rigueur 7 In order that a gentleman may be ex garcon. _ Fair Booty. By accounts from Paris :— “ It is reported that the Privce Freperrick, of Schleswig-Holstein (that is to be) into achurch. Brother Icnartus has nobly offered to pay. the fine if the | will marry a rich American young lady.” articles were Roman Candles. | That is the best sort of conquest for a small German Prince. Our Dentist.—From the Mouth of the Thames. | Beste oOe® rors om oon tas mows

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A NATIONAL GRIEVANCE. tTeER the law? We we knew where to find- any of the Ministers, we would have Parliament summoned at once. Don’t talk to us. a Fog for i e Haymar! dens and other houses of raseality at one in the morn- that would affect Pappy = Green’s? The idea = is monstrous. Why, tette, and heartily a eave ge Is that - e = ¢ py A stop y a law intended t to putdown profligacy ? Bother, bosh! People may say that theoretically one in he morning is time for one to be going home, and so it is, theoretically ; but, while composers make Operas that play till 12°45, how are you to t to supper in Covent and get it over and have your weed, y one? Again we say bother and bosh. It is a duty to go very often to Mr. Green’s: first, because it is a pleasant haunt; and secondly, because he is like Aspret, faithful alone among the faithless found ; that is to say, he alone excludes objectionable songs and objectionable society. But. the duty cannot be completely discharged while the one o’clock rule is enfo An exception must _be made in favour of Evans’ late joys. We dare say that when the Home Secretaky sees this, he will write to Pappy Green, and desire him to violate the law whenever convenient, and that the Home Sxcretary, will send him a cheque for any penalties that may be inflicted. But that is an irregular by Ad doing business, and the first task for the next Session must be the Evans’ Emancipation Act.

QUIET WATERING-PLACES.

No, I.—FRESHCHURCH (Continvep). After the Ordinary—With an extraordinary attack of dyspepsia. Have I ever dined with Bears? I never had that pleasure ; ot a

the chance were afforded me, the Bears would dine, and I shouldn’t. I here merely record the fact that such a set of Bears, as sat down to the “hordinary” at the Dolphin, Freshchurch, [ never met. “ Nevar, | Nev-ar, Way-var!” as Mr. J.B. Bucxstone would am apne | de- clare, with a distension of cheek and a | of head, irresistible. How they did eat! and in what a fashion! I y felt inclined to warn one closely-cropped gentleman against so rash a mode of using the knife, as that in which he was indulging. Judging, from one or two of his remarks, which were som t of the unnecessarily-strongest, that was not the sort of person to take a stranger’s interference in good part, I restrained myself, and trembled for his safety. An accidental twist of the knife, one slice either to the right or the left, , and there is no knowing what amount of food, this already capacious _ mouth might have, at one and the same time, accommodated. I could | not choose but watch him; and, watching, saw the knife ane about the very edge of this elastic crater, and in the midst of beans and bacon paused in horror. These generally seemed to be rather to an approach to the raw material in their victuals. The cook |= ing was all right ‘= enough, but cs be ‘= dreamed it Y | walks up to me, holds the candle unsteadily pak oni to hove ee tig ood and he, or she, was a 4 re se - others, in consequence: hence ; hence note, wri immediately after the bear-fight.” gen should think so. It| ‘Wouty-five ce thirty guests, and this pair attended, eposlly, fo throe or four very horsey-looking gents, ti the trousers, stiff in the neck, red in t lends, weh a ring, a pin, or #,watch-chain of suchan unobtrusive character, as to attract your attention some seconds before you had connected these phenomena with their exhibitor. , they dashed with knives, | ; they shoved the salt about anyhow, and pulled the mustard-pot away another, without a word of aj in chose, ppened once in every three calls. 8 o’clock.—Miore bells than ever on thepier. I am told it is the last boat coming in. I think I shall walk on to the pier, and’rejoice over the last boat. Crowds on the . I will avoid the and affect the pier, which I see is less a. wa *twas = is nothing |# few minutes since. It is twopence to goon to ell, two- at a pence is not dear for peace and qui dk The toll-taker stares at done tees sebtends me. Why not? perhaps he can’t help it. Yes,, here I can walk alone, + might Marchionesses and view the broad expanse of i Nothing save the Blue, the sit in the Fresh, the Ever Free beyond the pier-head,. except—“ Yeo-heo! Yeo (we believe they do) | eo!” Hullo! what’s that? Nautical sounds. Sailors landing at and hear all that goes | the pier-head. Smugglers, p’raps. No! Yachtsmen. They are lugging on, but that js | Something up. Can’t they do it without all that noise? are a school, a place of | these: pe abe! wil fhe «bent with » pole No. ° * ou 2” . instruction. With Then he pierauitiendtion, pte = oan a te danc onthe pe to preven ty Se —. “ It'll be a pretty sight.” Willitf Bu i ‘rain es: *s one comfort, in, an t : < * Ah! then; they’ll have it in the Del in.” 7 mem orbdid ! _ 10.—It has begun; on the pier; as far as I can see and hear, it has begun everywhere else. In the hotel, out of the hotel, on the promenade, on the pier. I am getting med to the sound, and shall go to bed. The bells are at it again. Talking of bells, I will ring and ask at what time the first boat starts in the morning. Dear me, where és the bell? There is not such a thing. I should say that this is the only room in Freshchurch without one. No matter, I’ll call. 10°30.—I have been calling for about a quarter of an hour. Oh, here’s some one. “ Did I want anything?” Did I? yesIdo. The boat starts it seems at seven in the morning. “ There’s sure to be some one up at that time.” Very good. To 11.—Not “so. The noise won’t let me. Music everywhere. When I say music, I judge that it ts music when you are close to it, and take each band separately. But, from my position, a conglomeration of sounds reaches me, peculiarly unmelodious. 11°30.—Fireworks. They cheer each rocket, and shout unmeaningly at everything else. 12.—Daneing in-doors. I light a candle and try to read. I blow out | my candle, and give it up as a bad job. 1 a.m.—Noises, banging of doors, people going to bed; more noises and ie. Why can’t they go to bed, without seufiling P How- wer, they do go to bed at-all, is a thing for which one must. be 2.—Now I shall sleep. Hullo! Somebody comes into myroom. A gentleman, in evening dress, ing a candle. [I start up and say, “Hullo!” He will apologise and retire. No of the sort. He ) ore me, smiles and shakes his head. He is drunk; and, with a candle, e wants to show me how the fireworks aredone. I object, and request him to leave the room. Where’s my bell? Oh, I forgot, there isn’t one. He tells me, in an idiotic fashion, that I am a jolly good fellow, and then makes a miserable attempt to give the same sentiment musically. I ask him politely why he t fe to his room? He says, “this is his room.” I point to the fact of my being here, as nega- tiving his assertion. He says, indistinctly, that “ he’s very glad~to see me;” and “ allssshallbeverglad to see me.” He means that he shall always be very glad to see me. For my I don’t care if I never set eyes on him . He takes a seat, shakes his head at his boots, in a reproachful manner. What on earth am I todo? Hi! Somebody | else at the door. Another gentleman in evening dress. Also intoxi- cated? No. He apologises for the intoxicated person, who, he says is his friend, and then, with some ity—owing to the inebriated | person’s still existing desire to show me, practically, how the fireworks | are done—removes him. |

w their palates, evidently. He, or she, had left undone everything

3.—I will now sleep; and at seven good bye to Freshchurch. |

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. + WY Wy ALL THE D IFFERENCE. Paterfamilias (who has come up on a Visit to his eldest “Hope” at St. Bottlenose), “H'm, not a BaD Giass OF WINE THIS, FOR Oxprincr, Frep. WHat Dip you Givg For IT?” Fred (airily). “Ox, Sixty ——” Paterfamilias. “ Anp—Monstrovs Extravacant, 100! Way, Str, po rou KNow THaT I NEVER Lay DOWN a Dozen or Port THT COSTS ME MORE THAN Srx-anD-Tarrty?” Fred. “ AH, NO MORE SHOULD J, Fartuer, 1r I’p Nove CHILDREN TO PROVIDE FOR, AS YOU HAVE!” FOOD FOR CONFEDERATE POWDER. Come along, ye sons of Erin, boys that scorns the name of slaves, Let us fly to the land of Liberty, across the Atlantic waves ; There Ill earn ten dollars a-day, bedad, if I don’t get drank before, And awake.and' come to meself again at drill in a,Federal corps ! Thin I’ll march away to Richmond, or to Shenandoah Vale ; For the Union sure 11! fight it is, and me cty shall’Be Repale ! There I’ll go for death or victory, and I ’ll win renown and fame, For the hated Saxon is me foe, or me foe is all the same: Under Grawr’s star-spangled banner, or with SHERMAE"Il be found, Or in t.BuTLER’s army dalin’ fire and whacks around, And the wrongs of poor ould Ireland, that she suffered.long ago, ? Shall impart correctness to me aim, and vigour to me-blow. Until I’ve spent me blood’s last dhrop, and fetched. me.latest breath, In the North’s Ray whilst I get it, I will battle to\grim: death ; After that, we’ all come back again, with a hun d thousand more, Having mended the big Republic that rebellious faction tore ; vomed nately to the bosonis' of our coats, And our wooden legs, and our pockets all cram-full 6f greenback notes, And we'll kick the base invader where he came. from o’er the sea, Then hurroo for the United States, and Ireland to be free ! With our empty sleeves UnruBLisHeD ANECDOTE.—GRINLING GreBons offered to that A DOUBTFUL RECOMMENDATION. Wuew they preach a sermon, parsons very often say too much: but here even in an advertisement is a specimen of clerical redundancy of language :— To the RESIDENTS OF MAYFAIR.—A young clergyman, who mixes in society, is desirous of being received into a house, where two or three rooms could be placed at his disposal. He seeks an introduction to some lady or gentleman, in this neighbourhood, whose house may be larger than required Address, &c. We do not quite see the advantage for a man who wants some lodgings to recommend by saying that he “ mixes in Society,” for the phrase provokes a question as to what sort of society it is im which he mixes, and what sort of drink it is that he is accustomed there to mix. A man who mixed, say, gin-and-water in the society of Shore- |, ditch, would hardly be allowed to mix a sherry-cobler in that about Mayfair. if this young parson fails to find his advertisement assist him to the lodgings he requires, we think he may assign his failure somewhat to the doubtful language he employs. Climbing Fish. Tz other day a deputation from the Thames Angling Society attended by gockienss before the Conservators of the River Thames to apply for the erection of fish ladders at the weirs of Teddington and Moulsey Locks. On hearing what Mr. Frank Bucxtanp had to say for this request, the Board gave their engineer instructions to fit two ladders to each of those weirs. No reasonable doubt is entertained that the fish will scale the ladders—except the eels. he would carve a woodcock in twenty minutés. Sm Cuarues. WacER cried, “ Done!” and was; for GrivLine accomplished,his task within ? the time the next day—at dinner. Morro ror THE Davenports.—Shut up. 0. 11, Bouverle Street, in the No. 14, Upper Weburn Pace, in the Par‘en of St. Panerar, in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, met \° omy ag Ae Office in Lymbard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. = Satuspar, Octo , le , of Precinct of Bride, Chy

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~~ i Fer Vaults Dew s { Toure the Corner tooo —v Fie a —_— 7 = —~—— 4 Sem i) ei INAS Shs AA y QS sis rn 3 enc A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING. Foreigner. “ ARE DESE DE VAULTS OF DE CHURCH ?” Wine Porter. “ Yus, Srp.” Foreigner. “‘ AND 18 DER aNy Bopy In pat?” Wine Porter. “ Yxs, Sir; AND TO MAKE A OLD JOKE, A WERY Goop Bopy, 100. ” [Foreigner makes a Note of the peculiar method of Burial in England. AFTER-DINNER REPORTING. In their accounts of the late racing meeting at Newmarket, the sporting reporters have been careful to relate the fluctuations in the betting with much care and minuteness, stating, for our benefit, how the odds stood at the Corner all throughout the day before, and up to the moment of the start of each great race. The betting in the morning, directly after breakfast, has been chronicled, as well as that done later in the day. “Latest Bettinc BEroRE Dinner” on the eve of the Cambridgeshire was announced in capital letters to the readers of the Times ; and one over-zealous gentleman, whom we privately commis- sioned to keep us “posted up” as to the odds against the animals expected at the post, was so good as to continue writing his despatches even after he had dined. As far as his handwriting has been hitherto deciphered, the following is his account of the doings at the Corner on the evening before the Cambridgeshire was run :— ** ARFER DIN-HINER BETTY BETTINGG. “As I prophesighed no thasnotrigh meanshay as I predic-hic-ted business is more Anna mated doe think thasrigh either is it { -» ? hang it can’t make note terrogation. In the hour before feedi—meanshay before dinner there was nothing tall done—exshep glasshortwo bitters. Specky—no scrashthatout—speckerlation is however much more active now, and odds are offered with more wine—thas not the word—mean spirit. Birchbroom before dinner was swep cleanoutof Betty Bettingg for nobody would handle him (MB joke is strickly copyrigh) But now he is 52 no 25 to something, while Brick (thas me of course and so heresh og goo heal ole hoot Brick I shay is 7 to nothing, no to some- thing else. Ackworth has receded meantoshay advanced from 11 to 19 no 19 to 11, and as much as 3 to 12 in pennies I meansay in ponies quadrupeds you know has been laid against nother horse I forget hish- name jushnow but I’ll try and think of it next week. Somehow doe know why I’ve a singing. in my head and fellows talk eer I don’t hear very kclearly, but I bliave from wha I hear tha Stockinger ze favorite at 10000 to 1, but if he isnt I dont care an itsh not my faul I shure you. Before dinner letsh shee yes we’d shoup and two shortsfish and a glash or two of sherrhy and a glash or sho madeira and a barrel or two of sham and a glash of fine ole Stilton ale with the cheese—mean with zhe custards, before dinner I shay I shaid the berring men seemed hang the name I wrote it allrigh then I getting sweet on Saccky Sacco : now qui forget it now burr its something about sugar and you can rhyme it wit meter. Doe know who they’re sweet on now— unleshit be the barmaid. But there’s Muzzyun I mean Muezzin at 1 to 99 and its 99 to 1 but a few of them are Muzzy uns. Who will win I cant at present undertake to ind-hic-ate, but in looking at the favorite as well as I can see I have two horses in my eye, and they both mush prove zhe winner. You shall hear wha its name is when I can recomember it, but I shant write any more because thish pen wont spell and I cant remollect exactly what I want to shay. Besidesh I’ve no time now to think, for its jush ten oclock and the posh goes out at 9 sho I shall scarcely shave it. “PS Waiter says Posh gone. Sho if you dont get this in time it ishnt my faul is it 4” Settlement of the Moral Drainage Question. Srmvcz Australia refuses to allow our convicts to come near her, would ABRAHAM LincoLn take them? As recruits they would con- stitute food for Confederate powder quite as good as the voluntary refuse employed; and one sure advantage of sending them to fight the battles of the Yankees would be that we should never see them again. Horrrte Arrarr.—At a dinner-party in the country the other day a great sensation was caused by a gentleman dividing two ladies. VOL, XLVIT, U ge en See = BE SS

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Novempzr 5, 1864. EMPORARIES. APTAIN BLANK is an officer in the British Army who, although he would advance intrepid under any can- no has had his liver out of order, become bilious and nervous, and ed about his health. He iy up a news: aD the hettuet af ane of its advertising columns, sees an advertisement of a pular medical work by As and ©o., o Street, Walker = ot sym w felt Nd fancied. a sends stam TER- exe and obtains the book, which is mainly a record of fictitious cases . =~ symptoms similar to , : : own are attributed to un- ' physiological mistakes, which he is conscious of having made at some QUACKS AND CONT | time of his life; mistakes that, when discov: are mercilessly derided po Re them. He fi | rascals | blast the ch aL, pochaes ingles dotion comsligd as tanline te tet cae eipuael rhaps imaginary disease as e sepia, inevitable except by consultation of pment Da. ASTERISKS, who guarantees a speedy and cure, A correspo ensues, | consisting of reports of xo progress on the of the victim, and of nostrum on that of the q ing ‘on the ter, after having done tie former out between 280 'ademand of some £150 more ied by a threat of publishing foe EL, uch, ¢: names, is the summary of a case which came one Po egy eee quacks, let us are in & servitude—wo were possible to add the pllory and the whipping post! The names of the parties concerned in this transaction are of no consequence ; those | which the quacks go by are aliases, and besides would soil this pase, | Moreover, Asterisks and Co, serve to stand for the whole tribe of scoundrels whose names figure down there in the es’ corner of some _ newspapers that claim respectability. nage Coed the country papers, | indeed, have whole, sides sullied with the abominable puffs of these whose’ very names, if they appeared in Puach’s pages, would aracter of Punch. Yet all these papers lie about on drawing-room tables, where they are open to the inspection of not only young gentlemen, but also young | it mever occur to ies. Now, t contemporaries, metropolitan and provincial, but espe- cially Dane Ey that publish the advertisements Bp come quacks, did . ‘ou that, in so doing, you constitute yourselves the accomplices of the foulest of swindling extortioners? Are you so very hard up that you cannot do without the money of these dirty fellows ? Is your circulation in such an alarming state that you y cannot afford to exclude their disgusting and fraudulent announcements ? These noisome quacks are abolished, their occupation is gone, if you will only refuse their advertisements msertion. Reeollect that no author of any medical work, except a quack, ever advertises his address. To find out anybody that you suspect of being a quack, look his name out in the official Register of legally- — practitioners, where you will not find it.. Churchill’s Medical tory will do. But the quacks’ advertisements smell, for themselves. Reject those advertisements. will be for your readers to determine, for the future, whe bow yt ows take in, and put in the way of their children, not be e r the papers shall or shall The Lyceum. The King’s Butterfly is, in a double sense, beautifully mounted ; i.¢. as regards the scenery and the horse. Fanfan (Mr. Fscuter) “gets him- self .* admirably, on horseback: and we should say that the noble animal alone would be strong enough to draw, even though ’tis dué a fly to which she is attached. The mare Minerva is none “of your cream- | coloured, pink-eyed cireus steeds, and, though perfectly trained, appears as little broken, as is, by this time, Mz. Fecutrer’s English. | Why Sew-catiep ?—The inventors of the several different sorts of | Sewing Machines are thinking of calling them ing Machines, on | account of the excellent Pecuniary Harvest gathered in by them. Bx.|" speak, or rather ou do not, it | A BISHOP’S TRIBUTE TO TENNYSON. Ir is with the gue pleasure that we record a graceful tribute on the part of the Lord Bisor or Oxrorp to the genius of ALFRED Tennyson. At a meeting, in Ipswich, of friends of the principal Church Missionary Society, the Bishop, in seconding a resolution to acknowledge the Society’s labours, observed, with reference to the prelates who preside over the Church in the Golonies :—} ‘* There was an objection often taken to the Colonial Bishops that were so frequently at home. People in this matter were like the man who saw -a-dozen flies, on a hot summer's whirling round and round, and said, ‘ Oh, the room is full of flies.’ The fact was that when the Colonial Bishops came home they did not hide themselves out of the way at some watering-place, but the two or three who, after a continuous residence im their dioceses of from two to fourteen years, came England, at the same time worked hard when they were here.” So hard, in preaching and advancing Missionary claims, that they make noise enough for many times their number, so much noise that le who hear it ery, as it were, “Ob, the room is full of flies.” vidently the BrsHor or Oxrorp spoke fresh from reading the Lau- reate’s Northern Farmer, and bearing in mind the following referenge in that poem by the departing agriculturist to “ Parson :”— ** An’ I hallus comed to ’s choorch afoor moy SALLY wur deid, An’ ‘eerd un a bummin’ awaiiy loike a buzzard clock ower my yeild,” Mz. Tawyrsow makes the Lincolnshire Farmer compare the effect produced pon his ears by the sermon of a single clergyman to the hum of a coc blundering about aloft against surrounding objects. The Bishop does the Bard the honour of accepting bis Comparison, and, by a slight variation, adapting it to the discourses of a few , of whose eloquence he conveys a neat idéa by si ing its resemblance to the buzzing of numerous flies. - Every before heard of “ Bishop’s Blue,” but the Bisuor or Oxrorp will have ht us to euomnee that colour with the big buzzing fly commonly a “ blue- ottle.” There is a celebrated Chorus in Hamwpmt’s great Oratorio, Israel in th Zoypt, in which the buzz of a swarm of flies is imitated in the accom- paniment so naturally that those who hear it are always prompted to oom, the room is full of flies,” and in so saying they will in future t of the Bisuor or Oxrorp and his brother bluebottles. MOTHER MEDIUM. Is there any sperrits present? If so be there’s any, p’r’aps, They will sinnify their presence in the usal war by raps. Yes, there is, well now then, Mister, take the halfabet, you’ll find They will rap at the right letter, name a party in your mind. If you axes of a question, two raps means in answer no, Three is yes, which on inquiry likewise you will find it so. Ary gent or lady wish a word from ary sperrit dear ? Ary sperrit ary message got for ary party here ? Now [I looks from one to t’other round the circle, if you please, Sperrit, you will be so kind as rap the party when I sees Did yer feel the sperrit-touch, Mum? No, not yet = They ’re a fumblin’ at my ancles, and they soon will No, there ain’t no himposition ; sperrit ’ands is what you feels, Pattin’ of you on the hinstep, catchin’ of you by the eels ; No, look onderneath the table, there ain’t nothink to be seen. No, I ain’t got no tame monkey what runs up my Crinoline. will in turn, at yourn. DICKEY-SAM LATIN. Sez how men—and Maceres—may grow wiser every day! Here is i the Liverpool Daily Mercury's answer to a fair inquirer ;—- ** Macors.—The letters §.P.Q.R. on the doors of St. George's Hall stand for salus | populi qui Romanum—the welfare of the people of Rome.” We once heard of a stage-manager, who, having a love of order, was scandalised at the non-natural arrangement of the above letters on a banner, and so the star Coriolanus was a good deal more astonished than delighted to see himself confronted by P.Q.R.S, But we doubt whether even this official would have solved the Latin mystery as our friend of the Liverpool Daily Mercury has done. We hear that Dr. Witt1am Smirs has written to him to engage his services as sub- editor of the next edition of the Classical Dictionary, wisely considering that so profound a scholar should not be lost among the Dickey-Sams. Sweet Name ror Younc Lapres Prarie Croquet.—Hammer- Ss. Tue Consequence or Divine wirn 1a Société HrerorHacriye. —Nightmare.

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Novexsr 5, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THEATRICAL REFLECTIONS. Iv “ Veluti in speculum” — The theatre’s old motto— es age to hold om we ye ! Judging coat and taste By its stage presentation Tis seal rae that deserves The title of “ Sensation ! ” thronging, ” throw aside ipping off woman’s mod th woman’s outward ne i A bare-backed jade on bare-backed steed, In Canriicn’s old strappings ! “, Who live to please” —no need on us That stale excuse for thrusting :— ‘ou plaster * Bring forth the horse! ”’—Yes, Mz. Suzrx, But don’t bring forth “the Menken.” Tf four-legged actors on the stage Attract with such a force, he Who ’d pay his way must brutes engage, To please our asses horsey, No wonder the great FecuTen’s self, ' Through Hamiet tired of sawing, Finding mere won’t do, Trusts to a horse for drawing. From SHakspzare to French melodrame Seemed a ient tumble, *Tis a sum in ion— "a Lapardare \0 ta Tolipe— Last Anglo-French abortion. From the Lyceum if we turn— La Tulipe’s knots still undone— To the Princess’s, *tis a step To—from—The Streets of London. Here you may see Trafalgar Square— A great realisati ion ! And from “a house on fire” may bear A full dose of Sensation. A realistic age! it acts; Nor taste to approve importunes ; The painters their facts, B oun iy = uu Ss may an te The credit of the nation, And from a stage so sunken leave ' Disgust the sole “Sensation.” Spirits Below Proof. Da. Newman somewhere says that the devil has often been put to ridiculous flight by the sign of the Cross. No doubt he has, as often as he has appeared It is a remarkable fact that the “sperrits ” which actuate Mediums, can never stand any conclusive test, and ever also avoid the cructs. COMPETITIVE EXAMINATIONS, A Worx at which Mr. Bass, M.P., does not wish any student to “ grind” is the Novwm Organon, WueEnre would be the place to plant a Cannon? In the Forest of Dean. " Morro To nz EncRavep on A Haperpasuzr’s Carv.—“ Ties pay the Dealer.” Eprraru on a Lerrer Carrren.—Post obsz. SIMPLICITY IS CHARMING. Tux Salut Public of Lyons, in a notice relative to the Emrznor and Empress or Russi on their way through that city, makes a statement bod om Ne ed to the attention of the mothers and daughters oO! ** Asto the Empress, without details as to her Sa po py an A ayy veep an ry May Who would not like to see his betrothed, or his wife and daughters, pecially his wife and daughters, dress with the simplicity which an Empress would choose but a dourgeoise would disdain ? What is there who would not rather see the woman whom he loves, and still rather the women whom he has to maintain, attired in the simple dress which the taste of an Empress approves of, but the ostentatiousness a Snobbess despises? To be sure an Empress have the taste of a Snobbess, and set all manner of ing, ridiculous, and i fashions ; but that is not the case of the OF —_- y of apparel cannot be too — . mited, has to contend with; man, unless he either has a large There ’s the respect that makes celibacy of such long hear a cry of “employment for » and have the romgh settlements, or trying to be compositors, or entering the medical profession, or jumping bridges, or even going for governesses! = poruge of the Empress or Russta’s Salut Public On remarks ** When a lady is articles with impunity. Let our fair readers be assured that the abili simple articles with impunity is not a privilege or ALL THE Russias. to wear the most to ey , will neglect at his Club. The disdain with which a regard the simplicity of a lady’s dress, is, in thing at all, a compliment, and not a punishm MONASTICISM AT NORWICH. (Evidence of a Churchwarden, omitted in the Newspaper ‘Reports of the recent proceedings of the Norwich Poor Law Board.) “ Aut the chimneys of Brorner Icnatrus’s Anglican Monastery have been fitted with cowls. Knew monks wore cowls. Wouldn’t let his chimney wear a cowl if he know’d it. Yes, I did once hear some one or other, a friend of Ienarrus’s, say “well! I’m blessed!” Considered the expression decidedly Popish. Had seen Mr. Hittyarp cross a road. (Sensation.) Knew that c i seen any of the monks cross a horse. heard as the Pore used to bless animals. Didn’t know what a Rude Brick was. fre ws Oh, a a . * was bap the Grarch ve 7 of ; at was a Brick himself, conviv speaking. (Applause. song beginning ‘Many have told of the Monks of Old? it with pleasure.” (Witness was repressed by the removed. Knew the Skye High! “ TRAVELLING in Skye” has been the heading to numerous letters in the Zimes. If there’s anything wrong in this sort of journeying, surely Mzssns, Coxwait and Guatsman could faraish us with the best information on this aérial subject. ELECTION INFORMATION, At the Coming Election, gentlemen desirous of becoming M.P.’s, have only to support the Mediums, to insure, at the critical moment, an overpowering show of Hands, QUESTION FOR THE NEXT SOCIAL SCIENCE MEETING. Wuat is Brrranwia’s aquatic flower ? “* A-rose, a-rose, in.” out the azure main. Tue Onicmat “Trar to Caton a Sunseam.”—The Chariot of Phaéton. girls emigrating to | eps Sa eee she may wear the most simple | ing was Papistical. Had never | 1% bricks. He | Would sing | | | bree ey / - — —_ — . * . —_ sneha — ri ph Bin aig inl ame = a th = ck, Fare is eas sree ee ape gs ae ene + ¢ pret 4 te SSeS é whch aa —— Ria ‘i 5 ee en lee eee bes INS a Be 3h ~F OT cite i See ieal acca AR.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Novemssr 5, 1864, i iM Ny | My | AR Id) ya \ , i) ! | A A STREET FIGHT. Wife of his Bussum (to Vanquished WHaT DO YER GIT INTO THIS THRUBBLE FOR?” Vanquished Hero (to Wife of his Bussum). “D’xyE caLL IT THRUBBLE, Now ? way, 1r’s Encrement!” Hero). “ Tzrence, YR GREaT UmMmapDawn, HOMERIC NEWS. Lorp Dersy has translated the J/iad. Mz, Murzay is the publisher. Two volumes. Blank verse. We are always delighted when any of our own Contributors does a good thing, and we doubt not that the Dersy J/iad will yepre a scholarly performance. We believe that Lorp ERBY is not a man who troubles other people for much assistance, or he might have asked some of his political friends and acquaintances to aid him in the work. Pore, as we all know, had much help in translating Homer. | It would have been interesting to read an advertisement, | after the ancient fashion, setting forth the “ Eminent | Hands,” and the “ Parts undertook by them.” We should | like to see Srr JoHN Paxtneton’s version of the Cata- |logue of the Ships: we should: much like to see Lorp Patmerston’s rendering of the description of the Useless Fortifications ; and we should icularly like to see Lorp Russe.t’s treatment of the Unsuccessful Embassy. The splendid Non-Intervention passage (in Book VIII.) might employ the fiery pen of Lonp ELLenBoroueH; and though Mr. Watpoxse is, happily, not likely to set the Thames on fire, we should willingly entrust him with that feat in the case of the Scamander. The BisHor or Oxrorp, with the friendly aid of Lonp Westsvry, could:surely do ample jastice to the anger of the enraged priest, Chryses. But Lorp Dersy has chosen to say “ Alone I did it,” and we need hardly add that a favourite Contributor to Pusch would be, single-handed, equal to Homer, even were he multiplied by the number of cities in which he applied for out-door relief. COURT NURSERY CIRCULAR. } Tae Mothers of England have been much afflicted at reading a statement that little Prrvce Victor, on his home voyage, suffered from the mal de mer. Punch has authority to contradict the assertion, and to say that the Royal Baby was never sick at all until, on arriving at Hull, a display of abject flunkeyism was by the authorities. No intelli- gent Baby could stand that. Bat he is now quite well again, and crows with pleasure at this nursery rhyme, which was composed for him by his head-nurse :— ** Chickaboo, chuckaboo, ALDERMAN ABBEY, Bought the nice cow that gave milk for the babby ; Bought the nice cow that gave milk for the baby, Didn't we laugh at the ‘Abeemen gaby?” Can Cock-crowing be called (h)en-chanting ? THE NAGGLETONS ON SPIRITUALISM. We still find our friends in their fashionable residence. Time, eleven at night. Mus. NaGcieton, sola, in the drawing-room, reading “‘ The Gentie Life.”’—Enter Mz. NacGieton. Mr. Naggleton (taking a seat). Do you see anything remarkable Te eee (eonserly tesbieg at Sie. Yon losds shee: enable, sad rs. ‘om (scarcely im). You very slovenly, an you ey sa up-stairs with muddy boots, but there is nothing re- markable in either. Mr. N. In either of my boots? _ Mrs. N. In either proof of your disregard of the decencies of life. I witness it too often. , t Mr. N. (exalted), Ah, don’t scold now, but listen to something in- teresting. Mrs, N. I prefer to go to bed. It is very late. Mr. N. Yes, it was not much later last might when you informed me that you were ready to go out. ‘ a. N. O, if you wish to quarrel, I submit. I have no spirits to resist. Mr. N. Resist, nonsense. Spirits is the word, however. I have been with the spirits. Mrs. N. What nonsense are you talking ? : : Mr. N. None. I tell you I have been at a Manifestation, and I have seen some very extraordinary things. Mrs. N. You cannot mean that you have been at a séance. Mr. N. Why can’t I? Mrs. N. But you don’t? Mr. N. But I do. Mrs. N. That you have been to one of those mastings, where they sit in = -, my supernatural things are pretended to be done. r. NV. one. Mrs. N. Henzy, I did hope that I should never have to despise my husband. Mr. N. Well, I rather hoped so too, at least not this husband. He glances at the elegant clock. Mrs. N. 1 trust that you are joking with me. ' Mr. N. You don’t encourage me in tha? practice, my dear. I am telling you a simple truth. I have been toa spirit-manifestation, and I thought that though you are-not usually much interested in anything I say, you might like to hear about this. rs. N. 1 have heard enough. ; Mr. N. O, very well, just as you please. I am sorry now that I did not go over and have a cigar with Browne and PoLpoopjz, instead of making the best of my way home. 7 Mrs. N. Mx. Browwer I know enough of to wish to know no more. The other person with the ridiculous name I never heard of, but you have a talent for picking up low acquaintance. That is a trifle, however. Mr. N. It is not a trifle that you should tell a spiteful untruth. And Potpoopre is not a low acquaintance, at least you did not think so when he took you down to dinner. at the Panxeys’. Mrs. N. What a falsehood. That was Holster. Mr. N. All the same. In our facetious way we call him Potpoopre, which is some kind of Scotch for oyster. Mrs. N. I thought him too much of a gentleman to allow vulgar liberties to be taken with his name. Mr. N. Then you ber os po wrong, you see, as you often do. A true gentleman is not a starched stiffback Snotchleyfied prig, but a man who can distinguish between good fellowship and impertinence. Mrs. N. If he associates with your set, he has plenty of opportunities of appreciating the latter. (Rtses.) I suppose you will go to bed when you are y: ‘ Mr. N. \ suppose I shall. Good night, if you are going. Mrs. N. Put out the gas, unless you are afraid. , Mr. N. What should I be afraid of? , Mrs. N. Your conscience.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemner 5, == LINCOLN |

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ei th Se ee oe .

Novempsr 5, 1864] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 191

5 ~ ‘What ’s my conscience got to do with the gas? What has own cons to do with it either, if you come to it’s very bad and preci ? precious dear NW. 1 see that you wish not to be left alone, and I do not wonder. a ‘5 mean but I know you better. You have been you quite right. at what, in the name of all that is ridiculous? wicked folly you have been wit- being a weak Jem illness. and a cigar, which Ill have [aa T am "wees much frightened if talking relieves yo on. wanted to hear all about it. Well, ing that vulgarity for your friends, and sis 4 Re 40 SI . “FP

" it is ‘a the other name is more aristo- at a warehouse. ‘ warehouses, I am not reminded of any- his repartee). He called and asked me to go to at a private house in Pall Mall, so I ind athap ‘But I believe that the radical and i external decencies—the floor is I -a re “= 8 2 gS “i Ts FP es fl iF if uu condescended to dine in a kitchen ? *ve dined in worse places. We one of claret, between three, BRowNER , and some li our wife had one glass . You don’t mean that 0, I don’t, the . NV. pale ale. N. More wife, who has the cellar-key. . WV. Which she will never use again after the insult and abuse which followed her last use of it. Mr. N. There was neither, Manta. [I only said that you might have Seapn anck oh eaheioigs something cheaper then ¢ port, But confound your memory for old grievances—you ‘never remember Mrs. t peor N. I have so few to remember. . V. You are as | a woman as I know. Well, we went over found about twenty people assembled. The Medium was the seaian aad little speech, and then the lights and we sat in a circle, with our hands joined. men such fools. some women, too, for I held hands with two. ice sort of persons to come to such a place, ud go to-morrow, if I would take you. knows that quite well). I hope, Henny, that even if you me to go, I should know my duty too well to obey. . IL won’t try _my jally as I disapprove of dear, espec' | women’s sanctioning After a time we heard some scratch- Er

. and then music began to play in different parts of the instruments moving about. . WV, ‘ed , of course. Mr, N. I don’t know whether they were Federals or Confederates. Then some luminous hands appeared, and waved about. Mrs. N. Old gloves stuffed with bran and rubbed with phosphorus, and stuck on the end of wires, or lazytongs. : ; r. N. I cannot say. Then a strong and mysterious wind passed by, _ and they said it was the spirits’ wings. . NV. Pair of bellows, most likely, blown by some of the . And there was a very faint light, and some said that moving through the air. do that trick~better, in the ie ite he blows out into the shape of a boy. Upon my word, if i ach trash. i to s ing hit me on the head. of it. e said that hands were touchi ease. Pickpockets. The gif 4 26 SF.5 =! > EB Z 2 g se i aad a 5 E F ; i E z E : them. usiness seems i 5 a Fe i d came to me nt ont malas, i spirit you wo ve caught it. it tight. a 5 535 mt m 2 E 3 P a E

Mrs. N. And of course let go, just as do everything. . Mr. N. Not exactly, for there it ia. ” , (ape ie iri Seed ae ee Mas. Naccieton snatches it up. rs. N. As I said. No, where are my scissors. (Cuts it.) No, wool, not bran, and springs, and see where it was broken off from whatever was holding Xt. Why, you can smell the phosphorus quite plainly. Mr. N. don’t rub it on my nose, bu . Mrs. N. Bee dues anybody know you caught the hand? Of ome yn couldn’t keep the secret to Mr. N. 1 held my tongue. The business came to asuilden end, and ld that the spirits were and that a compact of honour had been broken. But as an end. hyena poe teal pmmen not s a ‘ou are im had sense not to! be have d out loud, the Mr. SnotcHiey would have done.so, I am better than I expected, and now I will mix you Wicked hum! Mr. N.

HA 3 E E Fe. if tf & 3 re Be a fi i tion; and, - we hate pelag i — singular, we are very many other % fall the might when we © atte show we are a ju en we . * dge of music) that t ears and eyes inside it; and, as all the floor hope, when next we go, to find air for the comfort of late comers. i eee ee omg, close e ; only, in ask too much, for the spirits hitherto ‘not Nice misic, nicely sung, is y 4 want to give their ears a treat that won’t cost and civilians should hear Zhe Soldier's Legacy. harmonious, this little work, mayhap, will give them than many’a grand opera; and if they don’t admire the » Miss Henpzksow and the p' ued Miss Poouz, we can only pity their miss-appreciation. They must like Mz, Wuuxrrin, too, if they ave any ear for music: and even if they,have not, they must at least admire a tenor who gives himself no airs while he is occupiéd in singing them. As for poor dear funny snubbed and snub-nosed Sxaw, he gets laughed at every night so much that he is now quite used to it; and so t Somer not be afraid that he will think them rude for grinning at him. If because he acts so well you he can’t well, we can only say, O pshaw! you unbel go and hear him. the black- smith in Zoo Many , he is as harmonious as the Blacksmith of old DEL; and we have a strong that the relish of his soup song will tempt many of his hearers to.come of’en back to OrrENBACH. Indeed, in songs as well as singers, the Opera di Camera is throughout so bright and sparkling that no one can mistake it for a camera-obscura.

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARITVARI. [Novemper 5, 1864, A REBUKE. Host. “Fru 1s very Expensive, sust now, I can TELL you. THIS SALMON COsT ME Two anp Sixpence a Pounp!” Guest (no Business of his). “Aun, rr’s vERY Goop, I raink I’LL Take anoTHER EIGHTEEN Pgnn'orts !” A WIT AND A WEDDING. We take this from the Dublin Freeman’s Jour. nal. He seems to make very free indeed :— “* We hear that the charming and talented sister of an Irish Earl has at last yielded to the matrimonial solicita- tions of a well-known wit, whose devotion for her has been of long standing.” We are married, therefore we are not the well- known wit who has been soliciting the charming young lady to marry him. But—if it is the custom in Ireland to expatiate in the papers upon the mental and physical attractions of brides, and the in’ tual and amatory merits of me gen not tell us who the parties are, or at least who the gentleman is? If he be really a wit, and would like to add a thousand or two a-year to his income, he had better write to us, while on his honey-moon, and he will find an agreeable letter awaiting him when he brings home his bride. N.B. If the above paragraph turn out to be an extract from the Court Journal and a blunder— we beg pardon for tautology—we retract. The Donkey and the Davenports. Ou my guinea, my guinea! Myself, with two or three others, Paid all that, like a ninny, To see the Davenrort Brothers. og one farthing would fee them, 'o save it would prove you no miser. ; A fool for going to see them, I didn’t come back any wiser. SPORTING PROPHECY. Tuat a dark horse named Burglar will, one of these days, win two Darbies. A CAP THAT WILL FIT. Tae subjoined case, lately in the Birmingham Post, is recommended to the attention of Lonp PatMERsTon :— “IuprisoneD ror wot Atrenpixne Cauncu.—At the Candover monthly Petty , before the Rev. H. Burton and H. De Warrer, Esq, two the employ of Mr. Grorce Mason, Farmer, Ryton, named and Ricuarp Davies, were brought up at the instance of their with having, on the 4th of September, refused to obey his lawful the evidence it that the ‘lawful commands’ deposed to in the summons were resolved into the fact that on the day named, it being Mason ordered the men to go to church, which they point blank do. The case having been ad en the defendants were sentenced to seven days’ imprisonment in the House of Correction.” We do not wish to underrate the services rendered the Church by the many profound divines, erudite scholars, and concluSive reasoners who have utter! ted Bishop Cotenso and the authors of Essays and Reviews. But logical ent, although it may in some Sages tend to abate the scepticism of the educated classes, is not the method by which the warfare against irreligion is best to be conducted amongst the poor. Seven days’ imprisonment in the House of Correction for refusing to attend church, will do more to convince a couple of agricul- tural hhoaes of the great truths which are proclaimed from the Pulpit, thaw all the verbal demonstration and exhortation in the world. What De Warts, Esq., may deserve for his share in the just and wise sentence passed on JoHN Prycues and Ricuarp Davies, for not going to church, the Home Secretary will perhaps best judge; but the noble Premier, who made so many bishops, should, on the very next vacancy that occurs on the E Bench, add one more to their number by putting a mitre on the head of the Rev. H. Burton. A Misapprehension. A Lapy, not very young and excessively nervous about travelling in company with the opposite sex, hearing of the “limited mail,” availed herself of it for a journey to the North, expecting to find the horrid creatures few and far between. Her consternation, on discovering her mistake, may be imagined. Dermirion or “ Artic Saur.”—A Greek Sailor. IRISH THEATRICALS, An old Farce is about to be revived at the Theatre Vice-regal, Dublin. Subjoined is the correct cast :— THE IRISH AMBASSADOR. The Irish Ambassador (with several dances, to be given during the season), Lonp Wovr- HOUSE, Private Secretary and Assistant Private Secretary (who will sing in character the popular duet ‘* We've got no work to do),” by Two distinguished Amat State Steward (by kind permission of Mr. Bensamin Wesster), Mr. Pavt Beprorp. Controller of the Vice-regal Household, Mrs. Pustic Opinion (of the Theatre Royal Great Britain and Ireland). Chamberlain, Mz. W. H. Payne (of the Theatre Royal Covent Garden). Master of the Horse (with the song of “‘ I'd be a Butterfly”), Mr. Fecurer (in his new Bquestrian character). Gentleman at Large, Mr. Bantine. Aides-de-Camp, By Messrs. SHouLpER, Arms, Lert, WHE&L, Eygs, Riaut, Quick, Manca, Forwarp, &c. &c. The Piece will be got up regardless of expense, and nothing will be pay on the part of the Management to ensure a success. Revivals are seldom worth the trouble and care bestowed upon them, and, in wed —— instance, we cannot predict a long run for the resusci- ta farce. SAM OXON’S LAST. Rezatty the Bisnor or Oxrorp does say very good things. Last week, on Tuesday night, at the dinner Pee by the Lorp Mayor to the ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY, the BisHor or PETERBOROUGH, and himself, with a number of the London Clergy, in responding to the toast of “ The Bishops and the Clergy,” he observed that -— “ It was no mere empty formality which gathered the Clergy around his Lordship at these banquets.” No, indeed. ‘The Clergy who enjoyed the Lorp Mayor’s hospitality at the sion House may have included some formalists, but we may be sure enough that not one of them was empty. It may be safely concluded, that the most formal of all the Anglo-Catholic ritualists, who may have sat down to turtle soup at the banquet of the Civic Monarch, did not fast on that occasion.

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Cre OC BC eae, 2 OW TT aie

November 5, 1864}

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 193

How am I to communicate with the driver ? has taken a wrong t ? If I break his window, he has a remedy against me for damage. with great physical exertion to push the trap up, the portmanteau is violent pr ompely and ae the driver from his perch ; away goes the horse, and where am I rT then # ? Ljust draw your, attention to these facts. Of what use, then, i is the umbrella ? =. It ie used sown people from treading on your heels. ~ and and , it will clear your path of tumbling boys, an It is way enka as a cab-signal. Without shouting out “Hi!” “ Here : here cabbee!”—a proceeding that only strains the voice and wees a if attention is not promptly given to your call—the umbrella sho wish to stop. he can’t if you only know the right plan rey, with the ferule. Don’t accompany the action with “tchk !”’ or ‘ cabman may hear, yr f four-wheelers, and of the further use and brellas, more another tim By the way, let me ask, are the batters of London in league with the Hansom-cab manufacturers ? Who can get into one of these vehicles without knocking, his hat — the window, that never will allow itself to be pulled up to the top? Ride re ne of um in BA what natural law is it, that, in a Hansom, one invariably shuts the wrong “le a gentlemen sit comfortably ina Hansom? If so,,how? HERz we are parison with a PIANO FOR SALE BY A LADY ABOUT TO CROSS THE CHANNEL | ith carved legs. THE UMBRELLA;

I don’t know, no more do you. gently and jifted with one motion of the wrist, at the same time that you make a Hansoms, and your gossamer won’t last a week.

A Piano for Sale. this in an Oak-case wi ~ of parent. calyed—ahem ! Caw the Spiritualists show the same chairs, tables, Davenports, &c., in two oe at the same time? We cap. The furniture at this present moment standing London, not far from Grosvenor a drawi “ Holland. , Cards to view this wonderful phenomenon may be had at the office. We have received several "YY concerning ‘the e resent incomplete state of Telegraphic a ot a message sent by Telegraph, but must also go by several Posts Tue real winner of the Cesarewitch.—Princess Dacmar. no one can put a stop to her.

Done Brown. -room, in a house in

TELEGRAMS.

The exact worth of Spiritualism.—Not a rap

Two powder lighters ve USE AND ABUSE. ur use of an umbrella, in Lon- don, is not merely as a pro- tection against rain. who that cares one sixpence, out of twenty-one and six- pence, for his umbrella, would ever expose it to the bath of the Pluvian Jupiter? Not I. In fact, the umbrella is useless; as when: ‘it rains, one takes a cab. In what situation is a man more utterly helpless _ when, on a pouring meee he is coming from a ee Siete the window down, and a po manteau, which the cabman has placed over the trap in the roof ? He can holloa and shout it is true; but will the sound penetrate ? the din of the streets ? How am I to inform him that he Swung quickl “a penny a heel,” ination of the head, and the intelligent’ driver, thus decorously and politely eed, will at once cheerfully pull up at the kerb where you are standin The umbrella will, ‘then, i in a Hansom, be used for directing the cabman’s course, much in the fashion ‘of a penny-steamboat captain’s hand-steering, only without the shrill-vyoiced boy’s assistance. Time the movements of your umbrella so as to render the cabman’s obedience easy: point out, with it, the exact door whereat you If the horse 1s slow, and you are sure the driver can’t see you (and ana can touch up the animal judiciously, not ! | Talk: of CLAsPER and oarsmen, what could they do. in com- Hardly proper is it, especially the Square, is all in .— EMPEROR OF yn and Kine or Prussta. No; for r- wt it rise above can tell me? If E mani ‘come up!’ replied | 8. proof!”

Idiots. bad a From And old fools to oun one Drink “the intelligent little girl remarked to

A RAP FOR THE SPIRITS. I Must rank as an old fogey— a Since I yhenadine 5 in childish dread Thc wamey’s ke teen io etn I n spectre, the Spiritual school, te pr is promoted | first ae More Bat for Jako folks ao ig tee jared Now ‘Phe Spi pirits ” are employed. there 0 bale ho tape it a We dip a apeerit as To dip a ee dee - Thonghts thong! - waar Foe. apt from view— ‘Sure such gulls as roan Should pda gg oes: We’ve the Davaxronts, par no ole With their ae ie Their Medium—pri Of Yankee aa i, Nap tong, ma carpers ; us slip from noose {” *re not the first sharpers Thank We’ <0 atin SH tnd te As for wriggling oneself loose, ae ae. thing naked the art iin ful sing We have many a politician, Who’s long iome a perfect dab in it; And defies your com tition, Out of, or in the Cabinet. Shall I pay my simple pound in, To hear your trumpet blow ?" Be it of your own sounding, Or the blast of ee! ? No end of quacks, too- Satie the public ee mg hat Dron has been doing, he day these last four years. Still humbug follows aun, As shadow waits on *Gainst rogues’ and fools slltasioo, Truth at sore odds must fight ; Learn humbleness from histo : be jo 7, great asinine mys *_ That oldest “‘ od-force”’—folly ! Take your spirits and

Ecclesiastical—Change of Name. Tue Bisnor or QOxrorp, with that esthetic and fine feline sense, which Prelates, has re- commended that all Churches hereafter built in his style shall be called “ Pretty Pussey Churches ; ” lifts him above other but as an her maternal Parent, of sours thie gril out iotasine alike any dogma which Pusey- ites consistently embrace.

CONCLUSIVE. “ How can you prove the existence of these ‘ Sperrits ?’ ” asked a sceptic o C. Hatt “Prove them?” C., impressively—“ The Sperrits are above

Rerreat ror Decayep Sprerrvatists.—The Home for

a

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. [November 5, 1864,

LSS Ye ts il ZS 4 il | i> See BS ml (| Manes iy z's : Be <: ew = v7 c. ‘\ yr EMBARRAS, DE RICHESSE. Ja0k GRUNSELL Was smETCcHING 1m GaLWaY THIS SUMMER, AND ONE MORNING Bovcut a FEW ARTICLEs.OF Rustic CosTuME FoR News SprgaD—tTHE wHOLS CoUNTRY WaS UP—AND DOWN UPON HIM, 48 HE WAS AT DINNER—AND HE WAS BOIS- TERROUSLY OFFERED THE Pick oF THE GaRMENTS OF FouR Larkcs PARISHES THE SAME EVENING!

LETTER FROM A GHOST. Tux Ghost of the late Jonn Wisow Croxer, Esquire, presents his compliments to the Editor of the Quarterly Review, and leave to call his attention to the following passage in the New (232nd) Number of that periodical—(Art. IV. p. 413, lines 21, 22, right hand page.) The article purports to bé a review of a Dictionary of the Bible, by Dr. Wim Surra :— “ We believe that it will be an invaluable gift to the clergy, whether Churchmen or Dissenters.” , Can the Ghost trust his eyes? Is this the Quarteri; (in Mr. Croxer’s time) the bulwark and organ of the Church of Eng- land? Is the present Editor aware of the frigh/ful, HOWLING WICKED- wess of what he has inserted? Since when has it been permitted to give the title of aw te Scuismatics? The Ghost is not a /audator temporis acti, but he fearlessly states that in his days the pages of the Quarterly should have been defaced by no such Base concession to the insolence of Dissent. “The book reviewed seems to be valuable, though it is} marked by a lamentable absence of denunciation of those who refase to see theological matters in the one and owxy light, but if it be a good book, those who know the Dissenters—affectedly called Non- conformists—must be aware that it is casting i offer it to those bigoted schismatics and revolutionary infidels. Yet to compliment sucH FoLKs, the Church and Conservative Review ranks their preachers with real CLercymMen! The Ghost of Joun Wuson Croxer, Esquire, is too disgusted to add more. Review, once

A Considerable Sum of Sorrow. _ Tue national debt incurred by the Federal States up to the present time is calculated to amount to about £600,000,000. Almost all that money has been spent in making widows and orphans. How many wives and children would half of it have made happy ? before swine to | th,

STARVATION SCHOOLING. Somenow or another our poor injured friends the farmers have not talked about their ruin lately quite so much’ as they once used to do. Yet that there are agriculturists ‘still im a distressed state seems pretty clear, we think, from the following advertisement :— GOVERNESS WANTED, in a farmhouse. . Would be treated as one of the family. To teach four children, the eldest a boy, years Must be capable of imparting a sound En education, music and singing, drawing, and the rudiments of French, ; also to assist in the sewing. Salary £12 a-year, with laundress. Address, &c. Twelve pounds a-year for the schooling of four children! A farmer must be surely much distre: for money who, thus sues i# forma is, a3 we may phrase it, for a governess. ‘And a governess, more- over, who is “ also to assist in the sewing,” and to fill up her spare time OF slaving as a sempstress. Aman must have a poor income if he can ord no better pay than this; and, as for being “treated as one of.the family,” -that can hardly be ded in the light of an advantage. The very poorest living must be looked for in a family, where so ra salary is offered for a governess, and it would be only fair if the schooling and the sewing which possibly may be a through this advertise- ment, should prove to be as as the wages which are offered for em.

To Spiritualists. 20.000 CHALLENGE.—NIGGER SAMBO, the celebrated Singer of ‘* Who's dat « looking at yar, Dinah!” and connected with the far- famed troupe of Ebony Jinglers, hereby challenges Messrs. Home, Forster, or the Brothers Davenport, to go through the air above on a Banjo, as as himself.

Morro FOR ANY MAKER OF CipER-CuP, WHO PLACES MUCH OF THE HERB BoRAGE THEREIN, TO THE NO SMALL INCONVENIENCE OF THE tog 3 asout To Daink.— There’s many a Slip ’twixt the Cup and the Lip.”

Printed KA arn ry Begins, of fare, a hae Olen in im the Ly St. of London.—Barvuapar, November 5, 1864. ity of Middlesex, and Frederick Mallett of Ne. 11, Bouverie in tu of ity of London, and Published by them at No. ‘Wiest Stseet tn the Farah of City

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Novemssr 12, 1864.} PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. Iohn Heech. OBIIT OCTOBER XXIX., MDCCCLXIV. FETAT. 46. ~~ simplest words are best where all words are vain. Ten days ago, a great artist, in the noon of life, and with his glorious mental faculties in full power, but with the shade of physical infirmity darkening upon him, took his accustomed place among friends who have this day held his pall. Some of them had been fellow-workers with him for a quarter of a century, others for fewer years; but to know him well was to love him dearly, and all in whose name these lines are written mourn as for a brother. His monument is in the volumes of which this is one sad leaf, and in a hundred works which, at this hour, few will not remember more easily than those who have just left his grave. While Society, whose every phase he has illustrated with a truth, a grace, and a tenderness heretofore unknown to satiric art, gladly and proudly takes charge of his fame, they, whose pride in the genius of a great associate was equalled by their affection for an attached friend, would leave on record that they have known no kindlier, more refined, or more generous nature than that of him who has been thus early called to his rest. NOVEMBER THE FourT#.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemuer 12, 1864, “BLACK YOUR SHOES, SIRP” .TEETOTALLERS AND TRAITORS. ‘Ture is a secret which we have to tell our readers ; they will keep it to themselves of course—but then who will not know it? First, let them read the following testimonial to r :— “ Beer and wine met at Waterloo. Wine, red with fury, boiling over with enthusiasm, mad with audacity, rose thrice against that hill on which stood a mass of immovable men—the sons of Beer. You have read history. Beer gained the day.” There !—that is from the pen of jurros. Now then you see the influence which inspires Lawsoy, and the United Kingdom Alliance in their endeavours to pro- cure the enactment of local Maine Laws, and to unseat Mr. Bass. The hidden strings of these puppets are pulled by France, in the person of the Marquis DE Boissy. THE POETRY OF POSTERS. BY A PRACTICAL PHILOSOPHER. Wuen I behold the hoardings And every surface of dead ngs ll O’erspread with pictured posters gay, That puff the humbugs of the day i think how folks complain of gloom, Pervading my one sitting-room, With sides and ceiling smoke embrowned, Hung, as with clouds for arras, round. And then occurs the further thought, If I, as they declare I ought, y walls with paper would renew, Those bills would for that purpose do. Liberty and Fermented Liquor. Mr. Lawsow, and the United ci Alliance, —_ ing for a Permissive Prohibitory Liquor Law, wish to restrain sots from drunkenness by Maine force. This, of itself, would be all very well; but the worst of it is, they want to apply that force to the sober. ADVICE TO AN APPARITION. —— in the Church Co at Bristol created OUR appearance in the ngress ristol c such a sensation that it has earned for you the name of “The Appa- rition.” Perhaps the Apparition of Brother Icwarrus will be remem- bered when that of Gizzs Scroeenss is forgotten. Stick to it. Appear whenever and wherever you can, with effect. The place of all o for you to appear in is that where Protestants most do congregate. So just you go one night on the occasion of some Feat Evangelical or Anti-Maynooth meeting, and appear at Exeter How are you to manage it? Envelop Ienartrus in an upper Benjamin. | Wear a black cloak with a one and a velvet collar over your frock. | Thrust your toes into a old shoes, and put on gaiters to hide your san Sport a white choker, and comand your tonsure with a curly wig. Get upon the a. go to the front, watch your oppor- tunity, and ask to be allowed to speak. Then throw aside your cance, kick off your crabshells, and stand confessed, as a monk | should. There will, of course, be a jolly row. But slap your breast, proclaim ourself an Englishman, and invoke Englishmen to give you fair play. ery likely they will then hear what you have to say; perhaps with cheers. At the worst you can only be removed by the Police, for you are allowed to go about, and as yet nobody is authorised to take care ou, and lodge Fino in an institution where your tonsure would aps be extended to the whole of your scalp. of pee - , Of course you will not stick at putting on appearances meant to be mistaken for those of a British clergyman, because, although false, they will be assumed for a pious purpose; for you are as much a Jesuit as you are a Benedictine, therefore know that the end justifies the means. I hope you got on well last Saturday. I believe your effigy was chaired a yg Teal on that day. Did you venture abroad yourself? If you did, I admire your co because there was every reason to fear that the profane vulgar would have got hold of you on that Fifth of November, and have made you do duty for the hero of the anniversary by carrying you about bodily as a Guy. With many thanks for the very much amusement which you have so often afforded me, and hoping for further favours of the same nature from your diverting eccentricities, believe me, ever your friendly monitor, Tony Lumexu. ENGLISH AND IRISH. Tue Corporation of Dublin are to address Lonp Wopsxovss on his arrival at the Vice-regal Lodge, and with a Milesian disregard to the unities, the Address has already been made public. Among the paragraphs in which this Address shows up in glowing colour the wrongs of Ireland, occurs the following :— “In the course of your visit to the provinces your Excellency will see at Galway a port which Nature has created, and placed at the nearest and safest point for communication between these islands and the Continent of America. But although a Packet Company in connection with the port was for a short time subsidised, the narrow spirit and the jealousy with which it had to contend necessarily eventuated in its Sailure.” The Corporation will be told, no doubt, by a malignant British Press» that the packet company in Oye: in no one instance kept the time that entitled it to receipt of the Government subsidy—that its ships were weak and ill found, its engines constantly breaking down, its capital insufficient, and all its arrangements so unbusiness-like, that it was rapidly wound up, in a state of hopeless insolvency. That is the base, bloody, and brutal Saxon way of putting the matter. The warm-hearted Milesian penetrates thro such unimportant accidents, and sees at the root of the Galway Packet Company’s failure the narrow spirit of English opposition and the jealousy of Ireland, which governs all our relations with that ill-used country. The Black Art, Indeed. *Put out the light, and then——”—0thello. Tue Brothers Davenport claim to be assisted in their performances by some mysterious power, though of what kind they profess themselves unable to explain. Is it not clear enough, from their practice of turning down the gas, that this friendly power is the Power of Darkness ?

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November 12, 1864.) PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIT. 197 PUNCH’S SPIRIT MEETINGS. INTRODUCTION. fr. Punch has become a Condert to Spiritualism, oust not e his "Con: | ha persona ho 1, and the in it, See yt by hls The very oon tha e Lit Meself a Stiritualist, he sent for the most accomplished professors of the system, and under their advice, aided by his oma ius, —_ Punck’s architect and upholsterer pro- ceeded to fit up the most handsome of the saloons, at 85, Fleet Street, * rk... Temple oP Spiritual, The machinist of one of — leading ered his invaluable assistance, and Mr. Punch’s Spit Saloon and Demonical Drawing-Room is now daily and nightly devoted to Séances of the most remarkable character. As it is the duty of those who believe that they have discovered a truth to impart it to others in all its fulness, or even a little more, Mr. Punch yoopenns to oan, § oe at such times and seasons as the Spirits may 0 of the ings at his Séances. He at once vane to state ee took Beno at the very first of these elismiinnen Tuesday, November 8, 1864, Me. Punch and about ten of his young men assembled at nine o’clock. The Sibyle Medium, Mormer Saunpers, arrived shortly afterwards. She took her seat, and the Séance commenced. The gaslights were put out, but the Medium stated that the Spirits did not object to cigars, tobacco being an invention of the mag ong A ower. After some knocking and scratching, the Medium announced that there were Spirits in the room. Mr. Punch was'invited to interrogate them on the part of the meeting, and he immediately, and with, his usual politeness, asked them whether they. would take anything to d Gargii sounds were heard, pons it was evident that drinking was going on, ut no person chose to say who. had been at it. Puach then required the name of some Spirit present, The first answer was “ Juntus’s Letters.” “Do I understand that the respected party is Juntos himself, or only Dead Letters?” asked Mr. Punch. a Bong tee answered in the affirmative. uu bear on earth?” asked Mr. Punch, and the hea Met nag hae seoaly. | for the solution of the great mystery. The answer was “ Dgean Swirt.” “ Dear me,”’ said Pi Punch, “ There must be—I mean—do I quite understand—of course I am the last person to doubt a Spirit’s word, i va made you die in 1745, when you did not write your first letter Here there a ah ets , and the Medium explained that the Spirits were not like being Lang ston pariages. Something fi Lys was ae = +4 fly across the room, and ung? aio the grate. ,» when the lights were restored, a splash of white ashes was seen on the blackened hearth, and a visible shudder went round the company at this palpable proof of supernatural agency. Ur. Pook has ees | ans What ’s that to you?” Rerpine ye. Medium announced that there would be no more There was g Tees during which 7. Ona ble t to be oo against the legs ed Spirit departed ‘from the ae A second § irit was then invited to name itself. ** Maewa CHarta.” *T—and Mowresquizv—have heard of the Spirit of Laws,” said Mr. Punch, “ al I never a in to = any of his family. at has our friend “ T air the meade - of the the pray: said the Spirit, with a teks maealtY, “and I - aca better meets me : e apple o: woe eT, e wrung from the ty crown of your Ss Y THE om and sealed with tr-otic gore of CRANMER, rap om pe y, and Lapy Janz Grey.” his is indeed worth knowing, cad Mr. Punch, mindful of the hint i to offend the Spirits. A third Spirit, according to the Medium, evinced restlessness to It was announced as “Co n | “ We are indeed honoured,” * May I humbly ask =p astronomical Spi ‘Inform us what the Moon is made of?” «T Ivory,” said * Bless me, to pe bert t we of;that. But ivory is—at least we ey supposed it—an Id I be trespassing “= ae patience if I = so large a quantity was obtaine * From the tusks of and moons. existing for fourteen. billions of years states 2 and it was fused together ae the action pained by attrition with the Equator or oe , which you fancy holes, are stains, and were by a hoa of the Milky Way in | a severe frost.” “Ts the Moon inhabited ? ” several of the party. seize the object, when a the rest, Ferd and his eg “ ne severe pain, and when the | ae of a hand seratches. The seen ly scored Medium that 4 i Ben D. be lapel, a te the vengeance of the Spirits was very “T am anxious,” said , Mr. “to consult a Spirit who will answer me . uestion of personal interest to myself. I have mislaid a new pair of black trousers. Could I obtain information of their whereabouts ? ” The Medium called on the Spirits generally, and there was a pause. Presently a Spirit said,— “ There is a better corp of frogs in the South of France this year than last, but 7 will be dear, owing to the mortality among blackbeetles.” “Valuable as general information,” said Mr. Punch, “but where are my trousers ?”’ “ Earthly garments wear out,” said a Spirit after a pause, “ but | spiritual garments are not liable to do so.” “ But mine are earthly trousers, and I want them,” persisted Mr. ee you induce your Spirits to be in the ‘slightest degree practi z “ T am only their slave,” said the Medium, “ but I will ask again. | Can any one tell anything about this gentleman’s trousers ?” Three } loud knocks followed. ** That is the answer,” said the Medium. “TI dare not agk again.” Oy anes! Hm, Ba sane Mr. P we “Ts . a aber p fo me for having three pair, while many persons have none re —they can’t mean—Mrs. SAUNDERS, M’n, ask whether they’ve got among them the ghost of my Uncle.” Noise as of ageless was heard, and the Medium stated that she heard the word “Three Balls! Ofcourse. Somebody’s been and poveek my new black trousers,” cried Mr. Punch. v But who, who? I ask any Spirit who may know “ ag information which I received,” said a Spirit—— es, you are a very choice Spirit,” nid’ Mr, Punch, eagerly. a War who is it?” “ T have reason to believe,” said the Spirit, “‘ that numbers of cats were eaten as hares in the restaurants of Nice this year, and that during the winter forty-nine per cent. of babies will cry very much while they are tened.” rv. Punch is full of Evatane, and anger is one of them. He exploded so fearfull y at this last answer Medium, snatching up her money, bolted, and was seen no more. And so ended the first of Mr. Punck's Séances. (All True) PUNCH. Tue Enp or Tasie-Turnme.—An inmate of a lunatic asylum, = mad by Spiritualism, wishes to try to turn the multiplication

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [NovemBer 12, 1864.

| } | W rT ! v “A « | eli)! . 3 3 Vi F : | < \ vn s 4, a! . AAV: wor Lb py ‘¢/

WA i} hs H/ y/ y i, /} —~ aes / ~—= aS —_—_——s: TT PUTTING THE CASE FAIRLY. Diner Out (furious). “ Do you KNOW HOW LONG You'vE BEEN Cominc, Sir? THREE-QUARTERS OF AN Hour, AND UNDER Two MILEs; SUCH A WRETCH OF A HORSE, ONLY FIT FOR THE——” Cabby. “ Pustic can’? EXPECT US TO PURWIDE DeRBY WINNERS at Sixpence a MILE; CaN THEY, Sir?”

| . . ba MR. PUNCH TO. THE ARCHBISHOP OF YORK. | there of Gian at ose ues the meen r cand aceaatisicd wrest confess, withthe best wishes for your success in this crusade against Dus oa eyed warning the Church Institute at Huddersfield sensation, anticipate much from any aid a ‘highly-paid establishment is

| against “ sensation ” literature, with its theory of a skeleton in every | ely to give you in fighting a cheap press at this moment. | cupboard, its overmastering passions, its strong situations, hideous I remain, my dear Archbisho | mysteries, appalling catastro reak-neck escapes—in short, the Your faithful servant ng fellow-worker, es | whole stock-in-trade of the eto be continued in our next” school. PUNCH. | There is much truth in what you say; and no one can be more con- vineed than I am that this high-spiced literary food is unwholesome,

and would be fatal, in the long run, to the mental digestion if excess in TIME OUT OF JOINT. it did not, in most cases, breed a disgust—like that of the pastrycook’s | prene are some people who are said to know what is o’clock, but | boy for raspberry tarts—and in time induce a demand for more sustain- the writer of this notice (printed in’ the Daily Telegraph), does not | rampant in our periodicals ; but will you forgive me for suggesting its ing and less stimulating viands. I should like to see “ sensation” less | . 00. to be one of them :-— | introduction, in moderation, to our pulpits ? STLEY’S.—Mr. E. T. SMITH, anxious to comply with the wishes

of country friends, will give a MORNING PERFORMANCE of MAZEPPA, People will draw di ble comparisons, and impute narrow ‘4 shoppy ” motives, and I ce heard your denunciations of the penny- THIS EVENING (Wednesday), November 2. Commence at Two. paper and the penny-periodical ascribed to a jealousy of the large and} . Morning calls are often made a little after it is noon; but this is the sony Dania these find among the classes upon whom the pulpits—of/ first time we have heard of a massing performance in the evening. the Established Church at least—exercise no attraction. Yet' what| Perhaps we next shall hear of midnight meetings being held at six | splendid materials of effect your pulpit-orators command, compared | o’clock, a.m, or of an evening party beginning about daybreak. with the poor sensation-monger of the penny serial! Depend upon it, ER PK. al if your preachers were a little more stirring and moving, more in the habit “ appealing to a mee, by as gry dee t rz congrega- Some Compliment to Punch. Seabee sedi to cpthie Cae a eesti. pe sore Ay Article in the Spiritwal Magazine, gravely maintaining that the doubts, keener to note the tendencies of modern thought, to look objec- tricks of the Davenront jugglers are played by Spirits, does Punch the tions in the face, and examine questions all round, you would find in a | Pour to remark that he ° has long ceased to have anything comic in more lively pulpit the best counterbalance to a too sensational press his columns.” It is reassuring to find that anything comic in these But seemg how the Bench have treated CoLEenso, and how the Oxford oenane wanes isible to the intelligence that sees anything serious in the Board is now treating JowgTt— reading the letters of Puszy and the |~“V*™*?0#7S impostures. denunciations of Dew1son—knowing from sad and sleepy experience what the Anglican pulpit is, and f how iufinitesimal is the hold| Grossany ror Garorrers.—</ Sensation Punishment.—A Flogging.

1| “uloq} 0} 410801 sXoyuOp , fier *sa0uBULIOJI00 1eInreulJedns 90s £001 YeT1 lOITQ0 On oon emar plod yotr v oyeu syounb oy} pus ‘ssodvg ysybug—,ysearey ua -O}1] , PUB UoTUSe] JO sioIpT redde moys 03 | ‘quowuosiidun s.1v0f @ 0} SOT} aeetoust Joy *sLad0J Ystif—, Mog, pavy YA paousjues pue ‘43[mF punoy useq sey oyg ‘sednp

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| | cdingle ¢ | Family | | EVENING PARTIES] | ATTENDED LON te ENGLAND.—“ The Spiritualists, as they call themselves, are very successful in duping fools into the belief that they see supernatural performances. Idiots of fashion and ‘ lite- rary’ donkeys resort to them, and the quacks make a rich golden harvest.” —Zyglish Papers, RE-MEDIUM. IRELAND.—“ A Woman, who gave herself out as a Witch, has been tried for pretending to show apparitions to her a year’s imprisonment, with ool labour,”’—Jrish Papers.

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Sl Aa A LN NN BEN Be CR STA I OA Na TL a LOR Et iE ROI is REPRE Roo Ni Mien, Bien ty

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| Novmenme 12, 1864] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,

THE COADJUTORS. Dedicated to all those who are interested in the “ Curate Question.” any eg were twenty-four, Sea Tee Piiest most the thing he’d need the least. that rap eer an vihoa pluck ;” a Sani sae Sos and os Fr Oxford to biackest swan— e— of all the world beside. spake, as Wire hove in sight, veceestet at to the bad. - furniture not rich, 4 door-mat, ag = No? Well! au revoir i pal Nl easy find the doar.” again to Are it eh a ae ’t you Lal se hoy geo Bm how kind! yet have dined ; peat tee was hungry and athirst ; Rhino noged) rd and Te tr creas rote AW ad so the Shepherd’s dog was sent ! crit Shepherd never meant. ernie Perchance it may be found 8 time is pre-engaged, for sickness may abound ; to trouble ne aree toe ates 90.2, visit a/é, than risk a second life been accustomed my health and s ” me best best know how I the vaaun tahouts therd line’ were best no doubt, bo ean Net : ame Ge Rector back mye Aa were were taken ill, and a Hitt. ay, he al, and turned hr out to bg Foe aden iy deena =o ABCHEEK’S horse was drown’d, ao.

To him the Rector by return—“ For twenty years and more I’ve held a Cure an I have learned these matters matters to ignore ; The world is full of troubles, I For railway fares I find are rose, and. Afton doi eae poral .

THE ’IDDEN *AND, Tue Olympic has opened with a capital pi of ating interest. There is a eal of iprane mms in now we come to think of it, it is nearly all Miss-Tzrr

Morro ror Croquet.— She Stoops to Conquer.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemser 12, 1864. MEDIUM ET REMEDIUM. Taxe a note of Fate’s cruel distinctions— If Mediums’ names may be puuned on— Between Mrs. Do-wany in Carrick, And Mxs. Do-many in London. Donawy picks oakum on skilly: Domany lives well, and sacks guineas ; Yet both take the same line of practice On the folly of credulous ninnies. Whether “sperrits ” imbibe tea and whiskey, And eat buttered toast and roast mutton, Or spell, rap, turn tables, and jingle Accordions, don’t matter > button. Domany asks gold for herself, ’ Douany supplies for the “ sperrits ;” Bat both use the same false pretence, : And as rogues both may boast equal merits. ‘~ eee here is a to Ireland ”— He ere a rogue draws a rogue’s proper ration ; And Punch recommends the example To our Justices’ prompt imitation. = ECCLESIASTICAL NEWS OF THE WEEK. In consequence of the preaching of Brother Ienatrus, many tradespeople have expressed their desire to take orders, and in cases of long out-standing accounts their vows of poverty have been extreme. The principal manceuvre to be poiormed by the new a | Pi _ army will consist in oapwrnry bow to his Holiness. | The Inau ion of the new Cathedral at Novgorod | will be conducted on a scale of the utmost magnificence. |The whole Tartar population are already engaged in | scouring the Steppes. : | The Rev. C. Tietanp has introduced a strikingly new |ceremony at St. Lawrence’s. He first incenses the altar, | and then incenses the Churchwardens. The Annual Meeting of the Protestant Synod was held on the 5th inst., Guy Fawxes, Esq., taking the chair. RAILWAY PLEASANTRIES.—SECOND CLASS. Officer in Charge. “I sax, You up x THe Corner, just HELP Him mn. You szz| AnotHeR Name For UNDERTAKER Bantinc.—Hearser He can’t Herp Himset¥ With THE HaNnpcurrs on.” Major. Elderly Passenger. Here, boy, have you got a Times 7 A RUN BY RAILWAY. Boy (unable to stop himself). Day’s Times, Tele, , Stannard. This “ ' > . life. eh ?” friend. * ! Sweeksellus Trayled Lunnun News (gives paper) Belisslife. ne _— ‘os ‘lon’ won og puanyoe Ham! Ist ay ri ay ab Give me change! cpus sizpence to boy.) i ’s in Suffolk,” I answer; and I’m to know that he is not| Boy, slightly incommoded with papers under his arms, dives wit uainted oan the place. 7 one Pand for coppers ; the sixpence being firmly held between his How do you get there?” asks my friend. teeth, he still goes on mechanically through his nose, Dayzzimes, Erre- I im how I intend to reach Mudeliffe. I will tell you how | graph, Annard, Issweeks-irri-irri-irre (gives change, gets sizpence out of I did reach Mudcliffe. we - mouth and finishes freely,) illus Trayted Lunnunnews, Belisslife, &c. The way by rail to Mudcliffe is a maze of lines. During the first | &c. part of the , eaten i, e. from pg the train p . I mean] Chorus of Guards,' Porters and Inspectors. Ba-a-arnge! Budge! Barge! forward, in the usual manner. After this you wards, then | Bnige! Bunsidge / forwards again, then on awkward inclines and’ unp t curves; in| In comes a train on the other side; all the old confusion over again, fact, you go as the nursery rhyme has it, “ backwards and forwards | with an additional ery of “ Change here for Hevenham, Halsted, Cray- and round and round,” until you come to Mudcliffe. My companions | brough, Leighton, Skiton, Shepperton, Swoffley, Tharpe.”’ : were two gentlemen: one who put a hg tm and went comfortably to| I did not know ‘hen what they said, but I do now. It sounded to sleep directly he got in; the other a fidgety undecided person, who} me like “ Change here for Heaven ’stedborrow late button Everton was evidently troubled with the fear of having left something behind. | Toffey Harp,” and then by way of making it clearer, another intelligent The first age is at Barnidge Station, porters, guards and news-| guard sang out, “ All Passengers for Heavensbro’ Sledlaytonsbuttons paper boys do their to confuse a nervous traveller like myself. epton Sofiley Tharpe.” st Guard (with gruff voice standing by pa poms Ba-aarnge! Ba-a-| Now whether Mudcliffe was among these names or not I defy the arnge! (7) that he has done his duty, turns his back to the train, | most acute ear to distinguish. I, the Nervous Traveller, put my head at nothing in particular on the other side.) out of window to make inguiries. Guard, or Inspector, or some official person with a metal chain, a| Nervous Traveller (half out of window). Do I change for—— whistle, and a key, ¢ ing quickly from one end of the train to the other).| Brisk Porter (making a dash at the door). Change here for ’Evensbro’, Budge! Budge! Budge! &c. (Anything he likes to say: opens door suddenly, and Neroous lst Guard (from pillar, sonorously, sticking to his own view of the — “A is only saved from coming on his head by clutching at the pronunciation). window: = d Guard (evidently annoyed). Budge! Budge! Budge! (Voice is| Nervous Traveller (om step remonstrating). Now, my good man, this lost in the distance.) is really very dangerous. Porter (shrill tenor). Barge | Barge! (This is nis idea of the name.)| Guard (with metal chain, whistle, key, and a watch, coming up). Now Newspaper Man (intoning). Morning pepperrr-rr! (Last r dies away | then, Sir, get in, please. — in y ye as age ae Stennerd. This Booed { Traveller. aed Fe ro dort change a an? sharply). Day’s Times, graph, Stannard, rd (sternly coming to int). ere are you for, Si Sweeksallas : Lunnonnews, Belisslife, &e. &e. Nervous Traveller. For—( Aiogets)—tea—0h par Madeliffe. > wm ®B2 85 5 BS 2.3.3 33 SSeS 45 _£ ~ : = ee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. absurd, and nh tot of hs rather looking down upon any og tt cny mes Oh! ah! (Yes, e Porter. Here! Hi! Pa 7 [Frain moet on 7 he can). a. Times, Telegraph, Stan-| y,, day Tie? Day’s Times, Telegraph, Stannar—(Train getting theo cio. x adeesben Ont Ons stebiiy leet nets) Yes, a Standard. (Gives a shil. “Bay ges 3 ) ~~ part rg struggles with his needed ae that the Boy will be able i See See eS ee i he next Station, sits at fag aod to read reap at per by A wy i “i ‘ re are we en, Traveller ae We Wee . just left Barnidge. ey! Bamidge | Why I ought to have got out othe next ‘Station i is Sudness. Here they examine tickets and make holes in them with a sharp instrument not unlike a Champagne wire-cutter. ny pg One (no de at. Oh! here’s m mig ou see it’s for I ought to have got 6 never heard fon aa (Forgets to state that he mab fad okay You see I was going to get out at i and(comcncr an elaborate statement, under the t ion that, if he doesn’t make some plausible defence of his he Mi be brought up before an Ianpector, prs gata feet Ore sitions ly 0 tae iow, Ty marry brace ye poy rn de statement short). You’d better get as, Sir, ‘and go to Barnidge by the next train. Ege ‘ii ae much relieved by the simplicity of the remedy). Oh, yes! When ’s Guard. In 9, hours’ time. (The Awakened, says to himself, a Ticket, _ please. inspects ] it. the consoling fact to himself.) I had it: erg had i (Sta and looks in the umbrella netting over, his head. Passenger, w was about to leave the carriage, becomes interested in the proceeding. te Png comp i. Now, "Sir! true charity peculiar to ebony eng ees we, for Iam sure 4 — companion bar» ta — are inclined to chuckle : nor by the way do we in truth 5 Coes, he has leepy ot Bn suggests Busion tat ho must ae dr but isn’t; so finally comes to aby PR p oa it out. of — - = finally pocket-handkerchief like a conjuring trick. “ right histh and we are off again. The Undecided ‘chute beams with satisfaction; Ido not think that pe oy gees perhaps, on the whole, somewhat disappointed; but an i ther I Greet | here for Mudcliffe. eo wt of this one minute and a half after we had quitted th " Sir,” said y, to - ra, ntleman, “ Do know where rh Rete fo payee “s Ki ‘or , as if spuzlng vee over ithe name, “ Mudeliffe, I * Oh, it does!” interrupts, oni, sleepy friend, who has justed hi Ting Bt about to give ° himaelt up to slumber. somewhere.” he idea of changing for Mudcliffe as utterly :|the Town, and splendid tailors went to see = got Li he ought to be provided he fails, it’s | sh vu | Station.” After the delivery of this cheerful opinion, he went to going to Mudcliff h n't change tal ‘ou come to = ook here,” says Undecided, wag at 's Bradshaw. You leave ton. Tien Micanbin, ebhaniuse, . Lon’on at 2.45, and—no, that goes fo ee oa here it is— ene ee ee ee ne 2 ee ee maT lek fonder sare at 3.°— or quarter of an es, ndon Guard : * Yes ou go straight on to—yes—Barnidge—and {then to Ch moans ous a kang Why of ebeole Taek ben ol right, Guard Sudnees—and | then— "It doesn’t seem as if — holds up is and blows his whistle, the engine gives powerful | MY ey ve Oh Oe ee en ne, oe te | mee care ea of this, and then the train begins to jerk i into its Undead Paseo ening) Sudness—yes—let me see. ll ; Sleepy One (w ion eee up). Good gracious ! Ourselves (eons sorted) Wt And 9 be ough, iy, ght to bare go ot at Sada he ought, seeing that for Barnidge. ther Station. ruffle! Bruifela ; that can’t be the name. i read it. Brom- _ bn je here for Halstn, Sisil, and 3” é¢., for Halston, _ And I get out, with my sleepy companion, accordingly.} “ANOTHER AND ANOTHER STILL SUCCEEDS.” of the day—that is, the day dramatic, which begins at seven at night. Splendid “headers” might be seen in all parts of as well as other people. again, as an a “% the may discover, now that Swells at the every -evening to see The Stree teat Us The ot are invited to walk up and Tbehald The Thorough of the is, or some such named a piece. Probably ere ir oe. success of Kings Butterfly will tempt some one or other to bring out Zhe Cear’s Dady ihe legs, or The Emperor's Dragon-fly, or The Sultan’s Moth. Tf e of Follow-my-Leader continue to-be pop d that the success of Milky White is succeeded somewhere the triumph of Sky Blwe; while perhaps somewhere or other we tie, ty see announced a a7. m = will be entitled The Concealed Conjunction, and will be prod: consequence a Per success of what our Cockney friends peneiet in calling he Zi Fashionable Intelligence. Viscount Patmerston has left Cambridge House, Piccadilly, for Knowsley Park, on a visit to the Ean. or Dersy. The CHANCELLOR OF THE Excuequer and Mr. Disraztt have left * [London together on a tour in the agricultural and manufacturing ric Mr. Baricut, Mr. Bernat Ossornne, and Mr Rogsuck, are in- cluded in the select circle of visitors wi his Grace the Duke or 5 is entertaining at Belvoir Caste Lorp Westsury is enjoying the hospitality of the Bisnor oF Oxrorp. Srrarrvatism has reached the dest hentel, be hard-working Mill- owners. They are now advertising “ ii A ‘i

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Novemper 12, 1864, run of men is en with business. Sub- joined is a rich illustration of the Folle#’s best manner :— ; “Why do young, rich, and elegan | wearing dresses decidedly mourning in their appear- i ance, toch ch 8 WAR’ of eae tnd eter ee, | trimmed with jet, and earrings and buckle to match? | It must be wed that sombre colours are better for the complexion ; and black, becoming to almost every one. Th its and Gummer There is a gentle effort of thought in the problem above proposed, and a contentment as to causality in the hypothesis of its expla- nation, which any man, whose experience of female society has included its fashionable part, will recognise as characteristic. The next paragraph approaches to poetry: one Now the sted oclouned, and grey moire antique, Gumand’, aa Cha bac gendend ao Sea ake antique or a violet taffetas?” Who, indeed? "What-a horrid person that must be who is not possessed of garments so indispensable to any one who can even hope to pass for a lady as a violet taffetas or a black moire antique ? «= We'now come to a passage which excites curiosity :— ° wo Eyefas Sas gree wth pan and mez The good old days of Adam and Eve, says a comic song of the last generation, were times ** When ladies’ sides were hooped like barrels.” ‘of hooped pans { The following observation on bonnets may: 1 the benefit of youth happening: to meet highly dressed: beauty on what is teelly termed the promenade, and at a loss- ‘or something to say to her :— ** A branch of flowers placed on the side, and partly veiled by lace or bouillon com ’) the ment > these coquettish colffures” eT nits “ That is « coquettish coiffure of yours,” is a remark with which you may accost any fair acquaintance whose is adorned with. the thing in question. . If' she asks you what you mean, you can reply that you. mean to pay her an t ent on the autho- |, rity of Le ¢—without regard to Dr. Jounsow, whose definition of a coquette is of }. no consequence. ; FAMISH AND NO RAG. Iw comes our Paper duty free, An export-tax augments our bills For foreign rags, and hence, you see, Bs Oar stationary paper-mills. 33 CURED IN AN INSTANT! Of cheapened foolscap form a crown ' ' : : ing tooth).. “Ou, con-POUND For sages who the Treaty made, (who has accepted a recommendation to a Dentist to remove an aching » ba : ho the £rea as "=; ‘gu’S SURE TO BE aT Homs!! One-sided, which is bringing down | rr! NEVER TOLD ME THSRE WERE THREE OF _ ONE OF EM S ; Ruin on England’s Paper Trade. FLOWERS FROM LE FOLLET. Somebody’s Coming ! i iodi which > with iar justice be said to be admirably A FortTNIGET ago, the EmpPeror, we are contacted ‘ho preci ie Oe ageh its conteuts.are Prepted to the fashionable female intellect | told, visited Avignon. ‘He then carefully is wonderful. It is a marvel to see how carefully they are limited for the most part to the weakest | inspected the Palace of the Popes.” “Ahem ! feminine ity ; how exclusively addressed to those intellectual faculties which lie just above | did he order the sheets to be well-aired and the sxtinab sven, and to:the sole sentiment of love-of-approbation. ‘To be capable of weeding | ¢fe slippers to be placed in front of the fire ? maby of descriptive letter-press, any rational creature’s writing, of nearly every expression of anything like thought os r" ing, argues no ry Ay anily to indite angi sastien weet visitas ‘ition: effort is a sort of genius. But the crowning grace of this sort of composition } ona : n Vie sthines’ like occasionally i roaches to the nature of a reflection, and indi-| Waxy are the Davenrort br Jr ef mate, as it in ep gor ode bre rth om Because completeness is hereby given toajan O hicleide ?—Because they are brazen— style the reflex of the mind which, amongst women, is occupied with dress, as that of the common | and blown. Boies No. Senn, Fee, Par: Pancras Coun Middiesex, and Frederick Mallett Brans, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of Pm aiceaen ty of han Printers Mhetr Omer in - Streou tn the Precinct of Whivefriate ot Lendou, and Published by them at No. 8, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of oRpat, November 1°, 1864. _— ee es eke - be Lee ee ee ee ee eam mat at he, ao S«+m ow we |

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SSF SS aa oe ' NovemBer 19, 1864.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 205 ] HEY FOR THE BAND OF HOPE! | Jorn the National Temperance League, | If you wish to turn souls to sobriety ; In its labour of love, no fatigue Can retard that devoted Society. Exhortation, discussion, discourse, They push forward on every occasion, But repudiate physical force, And rely upon pure “ moral suasion.” They attempt to control you with facts, And they try to convince you by figures, They distribute a great many tracts, But demand no prohibitive rigours. That ’s the way to restrain you from beer, And from spirits and wine to convert you, For they don’t even force you to hear ; And to listen at least will not hurt you. But there ’s wholly another affair, An intemperate temperance faction, Whose intention, they loudly declare, Is to limit your freedom of action; All your taverns they want to shut up On the sober, that sots may not guzzle. Brook their hand ’twixt — lip and your cup, And you ’ll very soon have on their muzzle. Don’t get into the boat of that crew, Don’t go pulling with those agitators ; They have odious dictation in view. ever vote for Maine Law legislators. Moral suasion obedience may coax, But compulsion arouses defiance : Join the League, if you will, then, good folks, But. by all means oppose the Alliance. ——S— eel EE. RUDE INQUIRY. Street Arabs. “‘ Hoo curts yer ’Atr, Gov’NouR?” Liberal Reasoning. (Dedicated to the Middlesex Magistrates and Senceant Payne.) Way ought Roman Catholic Priests to have the use of a Chapel in Prisons? Because they may justly complain | = their Wrongs as long as they are defrau of their | ites. THE BLACK ART AT NEWCASTLE. A Newcasttz Solon has dismissed an application from a gentleman who had his guinea to see the Brothers Davenport in that enligh centre of the coal trade. The application was made, we presume, under the statute 9th Gzo. IL, c. 5, which, while abolish- ing prosecutions for witchcraft, enacts penalties of imprisonment and pillory (the latter now a) against any person pretending to exercise or use any kind of witchcraft, sorcery, enchantment, or con- ae; or undertaking to tell fortunes, or pretending from skill or owledge in any occult or crafty science to discover stolen goods. We are loth to question the wisdom of the Bench—even of the Newcastle Bench: and perhaps pretending that the “Spirits” tie and untie the Brothers, and carry their guitars, trumpets, and trom- bones whizzing round the room in the dar , may be neither pretending to witchcraft, sorcery, enchantment, or conjuration in such a sense as to satisfy that form of the legal mind which dispenses justice on faa side. But if these offences are properly punishable—and we take , Donaxy, the Irish witch, to witness that there is nothing so likely to keep the Spirits down as a diet of skilly and a protracted “exhibition ” of oakum picking, with an occasional course of crank—we would sanpeoteay submit to the legislative wisdom that the statute might be improved by including the operations of “‘the Spirits” within its four corners. If it be worth while to protect the few silly women and sillier men who believe in su m pretended witches, wise women, and readers of the stars, it is surely not unreasonable to bring the strong grasp of the law down on those spiritual “hands” that are rd now so busy in their vocation among the pockets of the weaker sort. De minimis non curat lex is a good legal maxim : and many may think De non curat lex as wholesome arule of legislation. But if only wise men were for, law-makers and lawyers would perish for want of work. Indeed, as no wise man, it is well said, ever goes to law it must be taken for — that fools are already abundantly recognised as having a claim to be taken in and done for by the law. We, there- fore, humbly submit to the Legislature, that our gulls and geese may not unreasonably be protected from the decoys of such skilful fowlers as Messrs. Home, Davenport BrorHers, anp Company, and should strongly recommend an infusion of “ Sperrits” into the statute | 9 Geo. IL, c, 5. ‘ : , It may be hard on such time-honoured impostors as witches, star- gazers, and wise women, to be bracketted with anything so new and so shallow as the Spirit-mongers, and we are willing to make considerable allowance for their feelings. We would even agree to waive the | offensive link of in pari materid, and to give the older rogues a section | to themselves ; thus acknowledging the trade in illicit “ Sperrits” to be the lowest form which the knave has as yet assumed in his world-wide and age-long warfare on the fool. THE MILDEST OF HINTS TO A VERY GREAT PERSONAGE. My pEar GEORGE, EveryTHine that you say deserves to be listened to with | abject attention, and to be printed in letters of gold. For this reason, and because the actors on the stage make so much noise with their absurd dialogue, while you are discoursing wisdom in your private box, that the other night 1 could hear only about two-thirds of what you were saying (and yet you spoke with a noble loudness), I wish you would hang your handkerchief over the front of the box when you want to talk. Then the stupid players would see it, and take it as a signal to stop their bosh until you should have spoken all your pearls and dia- monds. I am sure that you will take this hint in the spirit in which it is given, for you are the best of good fellows, and a very zealous Com- mander-in-Chief, and I have always been very kind to you—you know that. Ever your affectionate Cousin, St. Inkerman’s Day. Ponca. Lrecat Msem.—A Barrister is only invited to sit on the Bench when he has had some considerable amount of standing at the Bar. ** Locus Sranp1.”—The Corner of Park Lane. VOL, XLVII, Y

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Novemper 19, 1864. A NEW PLEA’ FOR Y FIFTH of nov * AN OLD PAGEANT. IsteR PuncH please Sir some pee ine as erred that some Phokes is atemting to Put the lord mares show and whot I ses is its a (strong } Shame and its uncornstitu- shnle to hinter fear in this way the Libatty of the sub- jick which the lord Mare have a puffick right to make a Exhibition of hisself & if he domt mind beink larfed at Y should fokes atempt to stop him. Besides the site is one as does a site of to people as makes it a hexcuse for taking of a Nolliday, and its aanniwal sauce of hincome to us light phingered Gents has you may C from this here count of wot took plaice in the perlice court the dag arter the Show :— 4 ‘* Mansion-Hovuse,— Yesterday the new, Lord Mayor (ALDERMAN HALE) took his seat on the beneh for the first, time in that capacity. The morning was chiefly ocoupied in hearing cagea.of robbery from the person, persons in custody from the pulice om its. way from Guildhall to West- ‘was proved eines: neckange’ There much ill-used in Cheapside and im front of the xchange. ere rs to have been like a riot in Cheapside just after the pageant bad om ite, return to Guildhall. Several persons were robbed of their watches. and purses, and some constables in plain clothes, one in particular named Lage, who had interfered to arrest the thieves, were kicked and struck.” : So you see the lord Mares shew qv him a tidy morninks work nex day & as | ses to Cuanuey CiyraKer says i CHARLY you & me asa reglar wested hinterest in this ere show says I & if they Bolishes of it I says they ort to give us Compensa- tion which CHARLEY quite agree 8 he co umpsided & so We opes as U will put hour case afore the Publick when- ever theres A tork of Bolishin the show which its a Nashnle Hinstitution & one as does a deal 9* good—leastways to us Pickpokkets. . s So i remane yours werry truly, but i meedent sign my ‘sig- gature as them Bobbies mite git old omit & i might peraps git quodded if they knowed I were in towmagain. New Way of Learning . A Wett-Known Optician says, that, when at sea, you can, with his glass, at a point most remote from the shore, easily make out the Zongue of any Foreign land. KNOTTY POINTS IN SPIRITUALISM. aie ooo living f from your great Metropoli am an old woman living far away your Metropolis, and am, therefore, in point of personal knowledge of what is going on there, just on a par with my little Welsh maid. The rural postman very often crosses the ferry solely for my convenience, and on him we depend for our earliest and latest inte I have my Punch sup- plied regularly, and am to be able to read it, at seventy-five, without spectacles. This keeps me well posted in politics, and enables me to watch the movements of all the Crowned Heads of Europe. On dits and fashionable tittle tattle I get from my nephew, who is a punc- tual correspondent and a Special Pleader in Fox Court (am I nght ? my memory sometimes ri over names), Temple. I had almost for- gotten my Herald, but of course without that I could not enjoy my afternoon’s nap at From these sources I learn that your London Lions just now are two spirited young men called the Devonport or Plymouth Brothers— I really can’t remember which. As far as [ can unravel their history, these wild young men repudiate all human ties, excepting, of course, those of a purely moral nat such as honestry, integrity, and so on. This is singular, a sg they come from the United a majority make a whimsi i with people who wish to let go. If there is any truth in what I read, there is really no security for our packages at home or abroad. The Parcels’ Compenies are, I under- stand, at their wits’ ends. This morning I received a hamper from my niece, who lives only six miles from here, and which should have been full of Ribston Pippins, but was not. When I complained to Stumps, the carrier, about it, he answered me rather impertinently in these very words : “‘ You see, Marm, since them there Sperets took to undoing of knots, we can’t be answerable for any losses. They has a finger now in everything: and if they don’t eat Pippins theirseives, they tips a wink toour dog, and encourages him to! ” I remember, when a girl, reading in History that Gorprvs, King of Phrygia, tied a knot of cords, on which the Empire of Asia depended, in so very intricate a manner that ALEXANDER TSE Great, unable to unravel it, cut it in pieces. Now, it does appear very odd to me, that so powerful a potentate as ALEXANDER—not remarkable for temperance either—should not call for Spirits to undo that Gordian Knot, instead , where virtue of holding tight, and are very angry | of letting himself down to a pair of scissors, But perhaps it-may be |said that such a holy alliance at that early period was impracticable. I suppose it is only volatile Spirits that, im imitation of mushrooms, spring up in a night; and that less ardent Spirits are like spinach, and take time to grow. The Corporation will, of course, as is usual in reference to distin- — foreigners, present these Plymouth Brothers with their free- | dom, though it seems superfluous when they can obtain as much freedom as they desire without it. Two Companies, I understand, claim the honour of enrolling them—the Spectacle-Makers, and, unless my memory fails me, the Cordwinders. I should be © glad, however, if some- thing could be done to relieve the poor distressed Spirits who perform all the knotty work, for so much exertion in a rope-walk must. be very fatiguing, and I wonder that among their liberal patrons no one has thought of finding some more creditable employment for them in a different line, As you have great influence, my dear Mr. Punch, with the beau-monde, pray urge this humane mission upon them, and oblige Your constant reader, Saran OLDCASTEE. P.S. Don’t you think we have very singular weather? My nephew writes me that on riding through the City early on Lord Mayor’s Day, he was overtaken by hail-storms !—a remarkable phenomenon at this time of year. * * Dear me! what mistakes I make! On look- ing again at my nephew’s letter, I find it was not hail storms but Srormes Hate by whom he was overtaken. I’m sure I humbly beg his pardon. Ceremony of Proroguing Parliament. (From the Times of 1890.) Tas morning the Lorp CHancettor’s Footman’ left a note with the Charwoman in charge of the House, to say, that if any one called, Parliament was prorogued. The only witness of the ceremony was a | little Boy, who, having made a face behind the Footman’s back, imme- diately retired. Derrmition.—Arguing in a Vicious Circle, might be defined as Preaching in a Thieves’ Kitchen.

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Novemser 19, 1864.) PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 207

SUPPLEMENTAL SPEECH AT THE BANGOR DINNER. HEN M. Tourmonat had og ee the health of nr. Serst. Buzrvz, Cueexs, Q.C., said he rose in the absence of SERJEANT Buzruz to return thanks. The learned Serjeant was not there. Tn fact he could not t be there. Serseant in- distinguished genius f as that which Wad in- vented Mrs. Hagnis. There was, in short, no such person as Serseant Bvzrvz. At least, there was no such member of the . Bar. There existed - no barrister who could accept a brief, with fraud on the face of it, at the hands of a no- toriously disreputable 4 “ attorney. Counsel, it was true, accepted briefs asking no questions, but that was be- cause they reposed anbounded confidence in at Otherwise an advocate would be was incapable of constituting himself the ag in an attempt to extort by perjury th law. The barrister was an English otlomen constitute himself a skeleton-key in the hand of a . A barrister would think twice, and much oftener than twice, before = — Mio “tl. MO F 2 Liye Lo A, SA MPS 4 Z 47 a Ae ) a FZ "PIF ff

he would sell himself to’ conduct a prosecution that might entail ruin on an innocent man. To secure himself from thus being possibly | unawares made the tool of malice or dishonesty, he would, as counsel | for the plaintiff, always confine himself strictly to fair ment, based | logically on the facts of his brief, and would ever carefully avoid the untruthfulness of affecting indignation, or any other sentiment which | he did not actually feel, on behalf of his client. If ever, therefore, a | defendant happened to be unjustly cast for damages, it was by one of | those inscrutable dispensations by which occasional failure is incidental | to even the most perfect of human institutions. Counsel, whether | aged for the prosecution or the defence, would never try to confuse a witness so as to get a lie told by the witness’s mouth to the jury. “Consider,” said the learned gentleman, “what a fearful state of | society we should be living in were the morality of the Bar so lax that | a cynic might with truth assert that there was nobody wishing to rob | another either of property or of good name by a lawsuit who could | not find an attorney to take his instructions, knowing them to be false, and a barrister hired by the attorney, who would carry them out to the best of his ability, and enforce them with all the arts of eloquence at his command, regardless of their truth or falsehood, and even sus- —— falsehood. No; the Bar is as pure as the Bench; but were fraudulent actions for breach of promise of marriage, and other false pretences, common things, it could with truth be said that the lpng robe passes for being as stainless as the ermine only because the stains do not show upon its colour.”

AVOID AMERICANISMS. _ Soxicrrupe for the English language compels us to quote the follow- ing telegraphic message from New York :— - of the Vermont a been captured and imprisoned at St. John’s, Canada aoe Two of claim to hold officers’ commissions in the erate service.” “To claim,” according to Dr. Jonnson, is “to demand of right, to require authoritatively.” In the statement above cited, it is alleged that two “raiders,” who had fallen into the hands of the Federals, claim to hold commissions in the service of the Federals’ enemies. As if we were meant to understand that it was in the power of their captors not only to prevent them from serving as officers on the other side, but also to grant or refuse them commissions to serve on that side, and fight those who had captured them. We beg that, whenever any of our readers brethren of the minor Pres or professes to be or to do and especially our have occasion to say that a person pretends >

that, or the other, they will say that he pretends or professes, and not that he claims, to be or do it. What is our objection to the word “claim” in the sense of “pretend?” Why should we not welcome a word enriching our language with a syno- nym, even when it comes from America? Because “claim” in the sense in which it is, as above, employed by Americans, is a euphemism for words boll gaer d impute gavegtion, and its customary use implies the habitual extenuation of fraudulence prevalent amongst the ple who are accustomed to use it. If ever we get generally to say claim instead of pretend, there will be good reason to doubt that we are as honest and truthful a nation as we claim to be considered.

THE ORACLE OF DELPHI COMPANY (LIMITED). PROSPECTUS. Tuts Society has been formed for the purpose of extracting coin of the realm from the pockets of a confiding public, and performing the wondrous operation of raising the wind by spiritual agency. The facts of modern and ancient Spiritualism exhibit a closeness of resemblance which the unity of their causation, and the identity of the classic Pythoness with the modern Medium. The differ- ence between them is as that between a table and a legged stool ; Abundaah expeieqinetnahamiiitals has. convinoed th undant experience 0: isti mena convin e promoters of the ing which, the above title, is proposed to capitalists, that the tri ex quovis ligno, might, for every practical purpose, be successfully ——s for the penny. They have secured the services Of a powerful female Medium capable of going at will into convulsions 80 that it requires six men to d her. They have also got @ three- stool, and a structure which has been fabricated to contain the stool and the Medium who : | will sit upon it; the whole t thus combined constituting the Oracle from which responses wil be deli on stated terms. ‘The number of patients whom Spiritualism has contributed to lunatic asylums, and the yet greater number who are still at afford safe grounds of expectation that the success of the Oracle of Delphi Com- pany will furnish its s with a triumphant answer to the question, “ What is the use of Spiritualism?” P : As the afflatus supposed to actuate the Medium will not be ascribed to any heathen deity, but declared to emanate from Spirits, no fear need be entertained that the Oracle will offend the religious convictions of a serious public, 5 The impunity which the Brothers Davenrort have experienced must suffice to dispel all fear that the operations of this Company will subject those employed in carrying them out to the unpleasantness of imprison- ment and hard labour. ‘The known respectability of its projectors will preclude any idea, on the part of the most suspicious individuals, that, 4 remittances were sent to them for subscriptions, they would bolt with the money.

A SHAKSPEARIAN CORRECTION. Dear Op Frienp Ponca, Wut you be kind enough to call at Drury Lane Theatre, where they are playing something like my Macéeth, and just alter the prompter’s copy, where I make Lady M. say, ** Letting ‘ I dare not’ wait upon ‘ I would,’ Like the poor Cat @ the Adage.” What rubbish have you been setting down for me all these years? There is an Italian river into which a medieval cat fell, and to which of course, I alluded. I mean to describe a helpless sort of state, and what can be more helpless than a cat ina river? Ask Miss Faverr to be good enough to say, “ Like the poor Cat i’ the Adige.” I ra send you some more corrections one of these days, meantime eve me, F Yours sincerely, Elysium, Nov. 11. Wit SHaksreare.

** Lo, the Poor Indian!” bef read, in the Oswestry Advertiser, this—or rather we can’t exactly read it :— “ The Rev. J. P. Garvriver, a missionary in Rupert’ word of eighteen syllables ‘as an illustration of the peculiarities of the Indian ‘s Land, gives the following

language: * Kegu — I will dine with you.’” Is the Rev. Mr. Garnier quite accurate? The “word” seems to us a good deal more like the inarticulate and coagulate utterance which means “I have dined with you, and a jolly good fellow you are at passing the bottle.”

A Srern Reauity.—The Man at the Wheel.

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iPUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVART [November 19, 1864. vailll), | Nr “Wi Huy: ) \w : Vy WY nd s: . at = ~ ~ = ae = —_ Te A , > > SS | IN _— Wim DIFFERENCE KZ a ——— —— Viel ——— = wat —Ss — PS if 1 ff (C Y OF OPINION. Yj Passenger (in spite of the east wind). “ Nick SkasonaBLE WeaTuEr !” Driver (shortly). “ Jus’ so, FOR ANY VUN AS LIKES BEING A Hicici, FOR FIrTzEN OURS OUT 0’ THE TWENTY-FOUR—PERFER THE Sommer Timz ror my Work!” CRIMINALS’ ASSURANCE SOCIETY. PROSPECTUS. (Private and Confidential.) Ir being considered in accordance with the spirit of the age, the march of intellect, and the principles of , that those persons who are unfortunate enough to come under the unfavourable notice of tribunals established in unenlightened times, should be enabled to avail themselves of systematic arrangements for defeating the coarse and selfish tyranny of the Many, an Association is in course of formatior with the following objects :— To defend, in the best and most costly manner, all persons who, hans Assured in the projected Society, shall be afflicted by prosecu- ions. To supply, with the aid of practised writers, sensation articles to such newspapers as can be induced to accept them, such articles being framed in favour of convicted ns, and designed to produce a popu- lar impression in their favour, by attacking the witnesses against them, vilifying hostile counsel, and ridiculing jurymen.. ‘ To procure other articles, jin a graver tone, in which every mistake previously made by what is called Justice shall be held up as an awful warning, and in which intimidation shall be freely directed against Judges, Home Secretaries, and all who are charged with carrying the laws into effect. ‘ To collect, after verdicts have been ffven, every kind of gossip, rumour, or invention that can discredit the case for the prosecution, aoa to circulate such things as largely as possible by means of the ress. To get up petitions in favour of the convicted persons, some of such petitions to be framed so as to command the approbation of those who object to the special form of pines that may-have been awarded, and without reference to the innocence or guilt of the convicted parties. It is believed, and experience warrants the belief, that by the irregular use of these and similar means, a criminal trial will speedily be deprived of its antiquated solemnity and terror, and that the odds in favour of the ultimate escape of the Assured will be very heavy indeed. _ To the objection of the prejudiced, that such a system is unconstitu- tional, and tends to the subversion of the rules by which Society is now protected, the promoters would reply, that the march of intellect, the spirit of the age, and the principles of progress, render such a cavil futile in the extremest degree. : : A more detailed prospectus will speedily be issued, with Assurance Tables prepared for the information of those who, with a wise fore- thought, look forward to their probably coming into collision with con- ventional arrangements, but who, owing to the uncertainties of life, may not be aware whether such collision will be occasioned by murder, manslaughter, burglary, highway robbery, garotting, embezzlement, theft, or any other departure from ordinary rules. The Rates will be carefully calculated, and brought within the means of all. Further information may be obtained either of JonatHan W11D, Esq, Solicitor, Field Lane; or of Messrs. Atri, Dopez, & Crammes, Private Inquiry Office, Spy Corner, Dirtcheap. Natives and Settlers. Tere has lately been an oyster-show in Paris, at the Garden of Acclimatisation. Among the oysters shown were some “ small fat ones from Ostend,” some “ large ordinaries from Havre,” and some “ foreigners from London.” For ordinaries of any sort we have little taste, nor have we much liking for the foreigners we sometimes come across in London. But for little fat oysters—infant Bantings we may call them—we always have a relish; and if the Acclimatising Gardeners, - by way of an experiment, would plant some in our larder, we should most happy to give a good account of them. Lorp Dunpreary’s Last.—Why is a hair-cutter like a sheep? Because he is a bah-bah (darber). ee ee ee ee oT. Fe, eA? ee

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‘LAVad MOVIE WAL

N Naps tlh UE Sez ene =< Wy ‘ii VEZ Wy Wine (i (4

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ewan 19, 1864] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. IMAGINARY BIOGRAPHY. BELL'S LIFE. and place of Mz. Bztt’s birth we have not been able to have been a - Cambridgeshire, in may be), and Year. for asserting , and from the interest Mr. i nt ts Gesue Deus Wooname, that there had some intercourse between his woman, and remarkable for and reigning toast of e day, wing into a woman of ample pro- oy hell her en of her as a heavy Bet; its merits were canv ia th the picture as a drawn Bert. it is instructive to,trace in the of his future tastes and pursuits. octane. remembers that he | 7 ‘s a a little mill, and that his favourite . Another recalls his iality for | > a Sree my ge = fae a weeps ; aversion to paying fo’ in his eagerness to be pony when old enough brated Englishmen, the subject in good form in his rer taking part in the half- | 7 the penteny where he ata later d: once, tod ecing to with a is competitors in the race. Of paper-maker, it is needless : from Cowes to the Calf of | ecashion, “Tn front parlours and back- on the branch nee 3; at the i ‘of ay ae in steam- d fashionable e Abbey towers; in calle: by the cover-side and the pudding; on lochs and and -stalls ; in before ug ge ‘trunks in stands and fine seats; on the t oe and ottomans, smooth ; midst of savage tribes and abo- ibasabea” and in the Vatican—we hear, read, cease to discuss and subscribe to never to early in life, and to make a aie Rese Gout came round, he would refer to true love,” ne there he first met anni of t' ing-day 1 was as good reamed of the Ring, as containing happiness. Reference has been made to two more hits aré placed to his score. A but one of the whole year, he termed the same occasion excused himself for man, at the wheel by saying that he understood “tay evitaph on a noted pedestrian de- miescat in pace;” and the itself forcibly in the song he ae the dinner which doses the season he was a member—“ Zhe Last Rows of all our best authors, he gave the preference were remar erin to for a racy style, and in whose works the minated: of our poets he was biassed in favour of Bowxes. and methodical in his habits, he could not bear things to be at and sevens, but he delighted in fives. Jacxkson’s portrait of him Kennington) shows a . man with a face of the oval shape, and ived to an advanced age, although he was in the habit of life week. To the finish he would issue forth with nothing he liked so well as a brisk circula- and respected by his betters, when at length , obituarists spoke of him as a stable friend, but not one as invariably preserving an even temper, thang the hea him, and as a man who, if he trolled a hed for a compliment—if he hedged a bet, never fenced a turf upon him ! * Peace to his manes / “| E E ¢ Fi sf 7 ; a E fl “o8 ee or ; and Hf Hs i g s e g, e : z ep 2,5 fe 1 4 fancy H Fi : ; 2 ” 2, F vLEF = gee a Tae oa h never an - Tight lie ea ALDERMAN WUGSBY’S SPEECH. (Intended for the Civic Banquet, and rehearsed on the 8th of November before an admiring private circle, consisting of Mus. Wuessr, Master Woessy, the Misses Wuassy, a few City friends, and our own Special Reporter. On the ninth the worthy Alderman was not called upon.) —Your pees o> Mace pon’ Masrax Wan ae oP- My Lorp Mayor (sowing to Mus. Wucssy (to the ry op Wosssyr), oes 2 Bertier (fo it is dane t Gentle st bo (Dacemablo swell ss oy (our Accade sGeciee ae I pala g to rte the tion of our ancient City, which you ave done us the Honour aspirated) of drinking! (’Ear,’ear ! from the Ci City friends), When looks around me and sees the many emanent Lape of our nobility, ntry, and others, and You, Mister B a si to oa ue@sBY, who burst into tears, and was imme: bed), Isay, as I said afore; Mister SARE, swatting there, whch Te I take it werry kind on him to come Re, Sad the passage from Bullown to Folkestone ain’t dat pleasant some people, 8 as I well knows to my own cost. (Here Tes her ene. ) , om, as to Roni afore, that when I see so many distinguished p I fee bein’ a member of the aneient Corporation. PO Rar, Ay) ee finde ag approving nods sods Dew Mame Woseee and the ladies.) -I lay my ‘and on mp say it does me to see a tren eat Farriner * ere, | ay as an , but in the of a frie gent. (’Kar, ee *ear!) In ’is poli he ’as be'aved like a true Battun, with all the of a English Maver ; an’ if my Lorp Mayor will pummit me, and you, your Regal ’Ighness say, in a manner of speaking, ; “There ain't no Engle As can compare Peay My lamp Mayor, aig i Ear, speak sentiments of hall—of all of » a8 we ’ope it aint the fust np = the last time, as we and cheers from everybody). And1’ = iaees Berrer, will promote the tis appesrane us (Zar, "ear ! / yours ’ere, Brghong Corda ’atween the two nations. (’Har, ’ear!) I proposes *ealth at Mister Bere, coupled with the Furrin Bar. (On the worthy Alderman pag gp aye mace supper was announced, and Mister BERIER, in his own of Master Wuessyr, having been sent to bed, the purty ost oan to a substantial I meal.) "THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER BORROWING. We cannot help pate, Sa: eneiee ponies Sums the Goaniet address delivered by the CHANCELLOR OF THE oes coe on closing of the North London Industrial Exhibition “If it be cl it is closed like the which into closed, sc c) corn ‘ia ade eee, we ahooh © tee ed there in order that its death may be the precursor of and new fertility. Mr. Gtapstonr’s hearers cheered this comparison, and well they might. It was not exactly original; but never mind. a must not rob Pergr to pay ae ou areat liberty, however, “" e trust from Pau.; and even in robbing Paut of an illustration, Member for Oxford mi ht justly say, Furto letamur in equitable taxation, which, if it but Pavt is.robbed by that he will some day devise a system of now existed, would enable us to say that the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER. Dramatic Duet. Sharp Person (asks, singing). In what hand should a Cricketer write ? Dull Person (answers, also singing). I don’t quite understand. Sharp Person (annoyed). Shall I Sharper Person (briskly sings). Ohno! I see’t, He’ll rite i in a bowl’d r Evit Suarp Person LE. ae Pegrson dances off 8.1. Dutt Person is left thinking FOR THE SocreTy FOR THE PROPAGATION or CRUELTY TO “The Cart before the Horse.” Morro ANIMALS.-— * Dome” Bantinc.—Getting fat.

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212 PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 19, 1864. OH, HOW ARTFUL! Wife. “ Waerzver I want a nics Syve Day, att to Mysztr, I rett Groncr uy out a particle of ‘spirit. For instance, my dear Moruer Is COMING; AND THEN I sgz NoTHING OF HIM TILL ONE IN THE Mornina.” | STRANGE STAGE WANTS. Waar queer jumbles one sees in theatrical advertise- }ments! Look at this, for instance :— | WANTED, a LEADING MAN, and a COMIC SINGER, to combine Utility. State terms. No answer a negative. | Lorp Patmerstow and Mr. Giapstons may both of them undoubtedly be viewed as leading men, but it hardly | seems respectful to name them in the same breath with a | comic singer, or to expect them to “ combine utility ” with ; any such a person. hat this latter phrase may mean we |do not thoroughly perceive, but perhaps the ing man |is merely wanted for the purpose of joining in the chorus when the comic singer sings. We can fancy what an | audience would be attracted to a theatre, were it announced | that Lorp Patmerston would appear in the Pantomime, | and assist the Clown in singing the ballad of Hot Codlins, oy See out the “Tol la idly iddy ido” at the tip-top 10 voice, WHO WILL PROP THE POPE? Tue French withdrawn, what new allies will come To prop the tottering autocrat of Rome ? | Say, will his props be Poles? or will he seek An Austrian friendship, or a Dutch, or Greek ? Haply the Turks for temporal aid hell bother, And of the Two Sick Men one help the other. Haply for troops he’ll sue the Portuguese, Or send to ask them of the far Feejees. Haply to Norway he’|l proclaim his need, Or hope that aid may turn-up from the Swede ; Or else perchance to Yankee land he’ll send, And beg each foe of slavery be his friend. Whate’er his troops, we may be sure that they } Will not stand by him if he does not pay : So of all help his hopes will surely vanish, Unless he be supported by the Spanish. } | | A Spirited Remark. “Too much spirit in the ports, indeed!” exclaimed old Bezswine toatriend. “I tell you there are ponte with- ellow, just look at the Daven-Ports.” CONSCIENCE MONEY. (HIGHLY PROBABLE.) Tue CHANCELLOR OF THE ExcHEQUER acknowledges the receipt of the following sums, which have been sent him as oney, to dg ny reduction of the Income-Tax :— : 3 A Vimrvovs Casman.—Sixpence : a half-crown having been given ate See bees ee Ss S ‘ ; A Dowz Otp Crornes-Man.—A farthing, which he found in the pocket of a pair of trousers, for which he gave very little under. their value, because he felt the com during negotiations, and thought it might be a sovereign. v nis —Nine-and-sixpence ; being the balance of a half- id to him as a sixpence by an inebriated patron of the Sensation A Srupzwt.—An old five-pound note, found in a copy of the Whole Duty of Man which he procured at a book-stall, and would have paid for, but that the old lady-proprietor was not looking his way. ‘A Barmree-Wonan.-¥ive chillings ; ing the proceeds, less deduc- tion for ex s, of the uce of a gold watch found in a bathing. ‘aachine’ snd which watch the lady who asserted that she had lost it failed to describe with the to satisfy accuracy necessary the finder’s conscience that it would be right to give up the article. _ A Maneats Lopeme-Kezrer.—Five sous, discovered (with English money) in a dressing-glass drawer. A IKE May.—Fourpence, which he —— a second time owing to his having accidentally forgotten the number of the day, and having compelled a person who remembered it to pay twice. A TENT Pgw-OreweR.—One shilling, thoughtlessly taken from a couple of little chi who had been told to put it into the plate, and who supposed she was the collector. A Tovrmye PHorocrarHEn.—Half-a-crown, paid by a poor maid- ray for a portrait so abominably bad that she cried, and would not e it away. A Summoner or Jurres.—A sovereign, given by an author whom the S. J. had already summoned nine times in ten months, knowing that he was gue pay for exemption. _ Aw Oxp Party mv Caarce or a Hovusz.—A penny, paid to her (instead of for a jam tart) by a little boy whose cap had been thrown into the area by a big , and which cap the Old Party said—and is por hag said—that she wasn’t going to be bothered to pitch up for nothing. THE LEADER OF THE LIBERALS. Sarp the 7imes, the other day, anent the Empzror or THE FRENcH and his Italian policy :— # So pepe The peer aoe © be Sanated ty soe Princes as have the misfortune to be more liberal and enlightened than their subjects. He is obliged to adopt a line of policy which does not sa‘ himself, and yet which there is the — reason to believe will not satisfy them. He is obliged to defer to preju: to which he is superior, and to feelings with which he has no sympathy. Anxious to place France in the — which she ought to occupy as a leader of the liberal opinion of EB e is constantly encountered by the fact that the nation, the destiny of which he directs, is devotedly attached to that very Papal Government from > support of whose temporal power he is gradually seeking to withdraw Has the Empzror, we wonder, any relish for a joke? Because, if so, he must {have had a hearty laugh at this. After having pegsed the Press, the mouthpiece of enlightenment, thus to find himself described as “more enlightened than his subjects;” ha! ha! gue c’est dréle ga. And then to learn that he is “ anxious to assist” the liberal party, whose newspapers he prohibits! Ha! ha! 4a/ :A fanny way of helping, truly. What a wag the writer must be who can pen so droll a pleasantry. INTERVIEW BETWEEN TWO POTENTATES. Mr. Punch to the Lord Mayor. Waxz, fellow, well met ! The Lord Mayor to the Police. Here:! — De ey A CuiericaL Exror.—Brother Ienartvs.

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Seoeoorseo A lt ATOR OO BE

Novemser 19, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 213

PRINCE BABY’S COURT CIRCULAR. | HE great satisfaction which was given to the mothers of England by the faithful nar- rations about Privce Basy which were supplied during the recent tour of Prince Basy’s Royal parents, and the delight whic _ felt in reading, in, a subsequen Court Circular, that he had been out for an airing, has induced his friend and god- father, Mr. Punch, to make suungementn for ae preparation of a Circular that shall be de- voted only to Price Basr. The following is the chronicle of the past Ps. ee in- eensed “ chure wn ing interrw in sucking velvet on Mamma’s er- book ; but instantly pacified. _ Grabbed at a wine-glass and threw it down, but only langhed at the pieces, and wanted another.

hearing. Tuesday, H.R. disturbed by a special ith vee of hs that he would put the coral into mouth instead of be 4 “and JapHet, whom he endeavoured to introduce there once. He was fcenty pleased, however, to substitute the elephants for the family of Noan. Wednesday. H.R.H. evinced a great desire to eat his toes. During aride in the afternoon, he distinctly pointed at a horse, and made a remark, which the head-nurse is inclined to believe was “see,” but which the second nurse considers to have been “ gee.” Thursday. H.R.H. very sleepy; but the medical attendants did not think that the symptoms were in the least alarming, though his remon- strances on being moved certainly were. He was pleased to break a Savres cup in the afternoon, and to laugh very much at the crash. Pie, 1S much displeased at a bib being inserted under his double chin, and he a out his nutriment with much vigour. Afterwards, a sudden clutch at his Royal mother’s Dagmar brooch slightly hurt his hand, but he was delighted when the naughty brooch was well whipped. Saturday. H.R.H. in the highest spirits, and kicking vehemently. An attempt to swallow his hm sock was happily frustrated, and his Royal father’s watch went into his mouth instead. He enjoyed his evening bath exceedingly, and utterly refused to allow himself to be on Ged WELW conch Wh Ook OF Goce to cle wie sion, .R.H. nt ie wee ing to sleep with the affectionate kitten's tail in hishad = P

DEVOTION TO MARS. THE subjoined outburst of devotional enthusiasm, according to the Moniteur de ? Armée, proceeded from the lips of Lrzurenant Panonpvu Hazier, commander of the French transport Lécorne, at the head of a ilgrimage made by his crew to the temporary tomb of NAProLEon THE trst at St. Helena, on the anniversary of the birth of that benefactor of Europe and. : “ This God of Battles had his and his Calvary! A terrible terious grief which none of us pty ond rehend. But let us reject thote mecancy reflections while recollecting that this God of Battles has had his resurrection.” The resurrection of Lrzutenant Hazrer’s God of Battles was one such as, before the Anatomy Act, used to be accomplished by resur- rectionists. It consisted in the removal of his remains to France—a sufficient paradise for such a divinity. The pious Lieutenant’s Christi- anity is ee Oe of the War Christians. He seems to confound the God of Battles with the Prince of Peace. Apparently, he considers the God of Battles to have been embodied in the form of NaPoLEoN THE First, and he makes the mistake of worshipping that God of Battles. Let us hope that he will find out his mistake in time.

H.R.H. very G ) FLR.H, did not cry during the whole day. Observing , | Baro from A why Royal parents going out for a ride, distinct “Ta-tar, Y unconscious that they were out of ishility was

THE GOSHAWK AND THE HEN HARRIER. (To the HonovrnaBte GRANTLEY BERKELEY.) Y, You’Re a Spoortsman and I’m a Poacher, What’s the dif- ference *tween a patridge and a sparrer? That’s what I says. I did once gay 1 took a patridge for a sparrerhawk. when a n keeper found me wi’ the patridge. , If you'll believe me, { thought it was a sparrerhawk. You ’ll say se knows better. Better about hawks? Come, now, GrantLey. How about the Goshawk? Hears you a letter about un in the Zimes. Understand a son ou shot on ’em tother day in this here county. Five Goshawks, Goshawks, common birds in Hampshur. Hen ! Them’s your Hampshur Gos- hawks, Grantigy. “ By the word =, i sapuena meant the ‘ hen harrier,’ or ‘ring-tailed faleon,’ the male of which bird ¥ That's what you says. Which is wuss, Grawruzy mistake or yourn ? We ought to know summut about hawks, bothon us. Birds of a feather, hawks, you, and me. Consarned in the it 0” But I hunts wi’ the owl too, when thegmoon ’s up, a shiny t is my delight in the sason o’ the year. The Owl is the bird o mantiey. He knows a hawk from a hen harrier. I yo don’t, of all English gentleman. Thought you know’d all *bout wood- craft. Falconry! Fancied you was up to all w about that there, anyhow. What would are a one o’ any of old. Ponte? icons on thet doten, 2 theoeiin ae an oe at wi’ falcons on their a you a ou takun a hen harrier for a y bon wa was reckoned one of the hawks

t ms as wore coats of arms, and went to. war in iron, wi’ shields and battle-axes ? t was long- wing2d hawks, that is true fal d the Sparserhaxh, and the Goshawk, yourn, ? n’t know that kites, and buzzards, and *m they called the ignoble falcons? I got ae book at. whoam, mun, tells all about it, bless ’ee, Goshawk, Astur Palumbarius. Got anew book, too, tells all *bout that likewise. Hen Harrier, Gi Cyaneug. ’s the larned neams o’ nateral history. Book ’em, G , to_British Museum up in Lunnun. There thee’st zee and Hen Harrier, both on ’em, stuffed, and by’n by larn to tell one from t’other. I got another book at whoam, A old book, wi’ leather covers. Bigger than ks be now-a-days. Printed in different fashioned letters, most wi’ e’s at the ends on’em. SHaxkesPeaRE! There, in a play, Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, says he know’d a hawk from a handsaw. Grantuey, I doubt if thee ever didst; but arter the infa- mation which I’ve a gin thee, I hopes in futur, at laste, thee know a hawk from a. harrier. ‘ I be, or a med say wuz, Bos Moopy. The Cellarage, St. Swithin’s Walk, P.S. I should be glad fo drink your Honner’s health, if you would chuck half-a-crown or so down this here way. B. M.

SHAKSPEARE’S LIBRARY. SHaxsPEARe’s Books, it seems, are being discovered in various directions. His Prayer Book is reported to have turned up somewhere in Wales, and it is probable that he took it with him there in case he might have to go to church while on the journey he took to get up facts about the Welsh lady in Henry IV. He was very particular about going to church, as must be clear to all students of his history and writings. The Dramatic Authors’ Society have good hopes of dis- covering his Borer’s French Dictionary one of these . We trust also to hear of the recovery of his Book of Cab-fares, which, as is well known, suggested to him the line in Macbeth, “ fare is foul and foul is fare.’ We fear that his last Bradshaw is destroyed, at ltast we have no evidence that the Poet imitated the one careful man of our own time, who binds his old Bradshaws, but his Buclid, from which he drew the beautiful image in the Winter’s Tale, about “the Angle that plucks our son thither,” may yet be heard of, and we shall rejoice with un- feigned joy to learn that his Book of Etiquette has re-ap from which no doubt he got the idea for the rule ke preseribes (in VIL) to gentlemen who go for a walk with ladies :— «<I were unmannerly to take you out, And not to kiss you.”

To Brutrarp Prayers.—If you would obey the rules of Billiards, always attend to the Cannons of the game.

Deata From MusHrooms.—Dapatus, when he tried Champignons (Sham-pinions).

Heav-Dress.—Powder, an exploded fashion. '

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. ENovumper 19,1864.

DIN KG.KCC?FE[ECECe._C ‘ AN Wn yt RS “ AQAA , oe, Mp, | te = |! .— L . s ~ Fy atts A] ’ ‘ ' ¢ ‘ ~ | ] ‘ S : N _ aN Yj, y NN —— h) = \ ~ = . y re = < Nd) * Z ‘ s \ . — NS , y | Weed i tie) PSSOY Deye Veterans es

z= 4 bf - . ¥ C4 Wfa Ay hg 1// Y / y ’ / OH, BY ALL MEANS REVISE THE CODE! Teacher (certificated). “‘’Enxny, ’ENzERY! WHERE’s YER ’anpDs!”

the benefit of poor benighted readers of the Standard, who may be weak A LETTER TO LORD WESTBURY. enough to think there is some particle of truth in the remarks which I Mr Lor», : : . have speed, 3a might command some one in Basinghall Street, who THe man who fails to recognise your Lordship’s eminent | is well acquainted with the working-of your Act, to put forth an official sagacity in everything you do is a fool whom it were flattery to call a/ report of its success, and to furnish such good proofs of it as will refute brainless ass. For my part, so impressed am I with wonder at your | the foolish slanders wherewith it is attacked. wisdom, that I cannot for an instant entertain the rade belief that any| If to this report- your Lordship will but add a few expressions ‘of aet of yours has ever fallen short of expectation, or failed in its wise | your sublime contempt for the miserable drivellers who have wakened aim. Other persons may, however, be less awestruck than myself, and | your just wrath, I have no doubt that the pamphlet will be greedily may with weak credulity believe there is some truth in the nee inquired for, and perused with great delight. remarks upon your Lordship’s Law of Bankruptcy. You may epeating my belief in your never failing wisdom, which I may almost them in the Standard of the 2ad ult. :— say it were sheer blasphemy to doubt, I have the honour to remain, “The failure of the Act of 1861 was prophesied from the first by every one com- | My Lord, your Lordship’s most obedient and admiring servant, —_ to form an opinion, and is now admitted even by its author. The evils it PUNCH. wrought are known to every lawyer, and have been experienced by every trader | in the country.” It is just possible, perhaps, that your fail prove so perfect as we, your admirers, thought it ion but it is not} Mr. Puxcu acknowledges the receipt of a pamphlet containing tole- credible that you yourself have been betrayed into admission of its | rant notice and vulgar puff of a Jewess who is attracting the least failure. Hear, however, what the Standard further has to say respect- respectable portion of playgoers by an exhibition not quite so disgrace- ing it :-— ful as the pictures that invite them, but sufficiently vulgar and indecent “ Every Gazeite tells how the late Act has multiplied the number of bankruptcies ; | to deserve such patronage. Her nationality is vaunted, or he should [| every creditor feels, every knavish debtor knows, how easy it has madethe process | not allude to it, the less that modesty is, both from religion and from factories tll last Pola The poncutee of the Court sees trom £81,000 in | Habit, a strong characteristic of the females of her race. He, the true | 1860 to £125,000 in 1863—an advance of more than 50 per cent. ; while the sums | and tried friend of the Hebrews, is in no danger of being misunderstood co fell in the same period from £1,250,000 to less than £700,000, an absolute | when he expresses a satisfaction that the poor creature is not called a — aly half a million, though the business of the Court had a He has no more to say upon an odious subject, out of his — jurisdiction. ; 7 M Lav, these ctotemante are yn. as everybody one to know’ eo at least, for one, shall stick to it they are so; and s continue to Serenade for November. regard your Lordship’s law of Bankruptcy as the brightest emanation y = dour’ . beginai f from your Lordship’s brilliant brain. But, as I have hinted, other fouR Trouba our § toes are beginning to freeze, people are alive whose faith in your unerring wisdom is not so fine as bg Feces rey hs eed pbs ory to sneeze, mine; and as these persons all have tongues and pens to publish their eve opinions and to your fair fame, it were well to take the edge off As he chants to the tune of a light catarrh, their weapons of ati Of course your Lordship will not deign to : squabble with a scribbler, whom a word of yours would crush. But for Query ror Proresson Owsn.—Is Neptune a Kingfisher ?

t Act, my Lord, has failed to THE SENTIMENTS OF ONE “LONDON CRITIC.” ”

Printed William Bradbury, of No. 13, U Woou-n Place,in the Parish of St. im the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of City Priston ast Office in Lou.bard Street, in the Precinct of Itefriare, City of Londow, and Published by them ot No. & Fleet S:re-t, in the Parish of St.iBride, City , of of Lowrep.—Saruanar, November 19, 1864.

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Novemser 26, 1864.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 215 pe WER. / PR ~\ oS . =A) Old Gent (much refreshed). “ OH!” CONDESCENSION. Ostler (confidentially). “ THar’s THE AYLESBURY CHICKEN.” Ostler (taken aback). ““I—I satp THaT was THE AYLESBURY CHICKEN.” Old Gent. “Yzus! Yes! You ToLD ME THAT BEFORE.” Ostler. “ WELL, THEN—THEN, WHY DON’T YER SaakE Hanpds WITH "IM—'Z’LL LET YER!!!” AN INQUEST ON AN INQUEST. _ Aw inquest was held on Tuesday last week by Mr. Punch, upon an inguest which had been held the day before by Mz. W. Parnz ona y. The circumstances of the case were these :— A Clergyman, the Rev. Jonx Hunt, Curate of St. Botolph’s, Aldgate, had systemati studied anatomy, for the very best of reasons, among them because “he held it to be his sacred duty as a theologian to inquire into every quarter of Nature’s kingdom, to search out her mysteries, and see her glorious and miraculous works.” He obtained, from o mapeeion, the necessary means for acquiring anatomical know- ledge, and in so doing neither infringed the Anatomy Act nor violated the cies of life or death. That which he had procured for his jurpose was the most unobjectionable thing for it that could possibly conceived. However, a churchwarden, a Mr. Davin Kine, found the thing in his possession, had suspicions about it, thought it formed a matter for investigation, “refused to allow the case to drop, and would not have hushed it up for £1000.” Accordingly, he sent to the Coro- ner ; an inquest followed ; everything was quite satisfactorily explained. The Coroner, in c the jury, was pleased to remark that “it was clear the rev. gentleman had yursued medical studies; but whether wisely, or not, it was not for him to say.” He added, however, the following considerably more pertinent observation :— “‘ Certainly in a country district a Clergyman might be called in to a woman to give her ious consolation, and it might so happen that she ht become suddenly ill, and his medical assistance would be of great use.” “" The jury then laid their heads ther to consider their verdict, and the conclusion which they eo as follows :— “* That the deceased was stillborn, and the jury, while admitting the right of the Rev. Mr. Hunr to study medicine, are of opinion that it would be better if he con- fined his studies to matters of a clerical character to the exclusion of the study of Mr. Punch, after having pointed out the logical difficulty of acceptin, the statement that the “deceased” was “ stillborn,” said he woul only remark that ignorance of natural knowledge, and especially of anatomy, was particularly objected in the present day against the clergy, and greatly im their influence and usefulness. His jury would now consider the verdict of that other jury, and give their own thereon. Without a moment’s deliberation the jury empanelled by Mr. Punch returned a verdict of “Snobbish Impertinence.” They added that, whilst admitting the lamentable fact that vulgar blockheads are eligible to serve on Coroners’ juries, they are of opinion that it would be better that such persons should cease to be so, and should be obliged to mind their own business, and confine their attention to their awls, or their geese, or to dispensing candles, red herrings, penn’orths of cheese, balls of twine, small parcels of sugar, tea, coffee, tobacco, snuff, vinegar, and pepper, and other ries, or the like commodities, over the counter, to the exclusion of any office whose performance affords them an oppor- tunity of making uncalled-for, offensive, and ridiculous remarks on the meritorious conduct of gentlemen. Question and Answer.’ (Translated from A-NorsE Song.) Waar colour, Sir, should be a horse That ’s yours, and — alone ? D’ you it up? Why, Sir, of course, hat horse must be your roan. VERY NATIONAL SYMPATHY. Tue efforts made by the German Legal Protection Society on behalf of their countryman MULLER show how the Germans all hang together. Their treatment of Denmark had shown that they should. VoL, XLVI.

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216 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [November 26; 1864. MR. PUNCH’S HANDY-BOOK OF THE STAGE. : ? F oH oad + 8? See, - as ground he is about to vent: erally uncomfortable. oo ks for Unprotected Females, impressing t *busses do wo¢ go to the Bank; that is not quite as difficult an operation as crossing Why need we speak of Handy-books for the Piggery, the Poultry- yard, the Orchard, the Dairy, and all the other Offices— a Or of Handy-books for the Crystal Palace, and the British Museum, the Tower, and Kew Gardens, and all the sights of London— Or of Handy-books for the Civil Service— Handy-books of the British Constitution— Handy-books of Dates— Handy-books of Cookery— ; as Handy-books of Candidates for Direct Commissions. . . . Or—if Hand-books and Handy-books may claim cousinship, and we only see one reason (y) they should not—of that greatest achievement i f handiness and cond ensation— the staff and stay of the British Tourist ! -book which remains to be written. This is heatre. Mr. Punch, as the author, leading actor, proprietor, and manager of about the oldest theatre and most po} play in existence, is clearly #he person to write it. There are reasons which make tke subject particularly opportune at this moment. In the first place, everybody assures us that “the, Theatre is looking up.” ton eatin at the facts, tile owe ined moon Se pa ae is aimin ing over ’s , trying 8 e, or poetical, or imaginative,{or full of purpose, fos ak any; absurd pretension to high art, or any such transcendental nonsense. No; theharshest critic of the Stage cannot say that our Theatre is locking up in ¢dis sense. _ But the Theatre is prosperous, popular—even fashionable—especially since it has had the advantage of an infusion of Parisian blood among the actors as well as the pieces. It is evident that something like a new life is stirring both before and behind the curtain. Sensation has galvanised the Stage into vitality, as it has all other branches of art and literature to which its enlivening stimulus has been applied. The Theatre never before employed such enormous capitals— at least the Posters and their print, were never so large. Pieces cau run their hundreds of nights now, which in less advanced times would have been unable to totter through a sickly month of existence ; nay, would hardly have suceeeded in keeping their legs for a first night. We have a highly intelligent and eagerly quecaere public, which can see force, meaning, and point, where our obtuse ancestors would have only discerned extravagance, nonsense, and vulgarity. Hardly any piece is brought out now-a-days but we learn, on the authority of the bills and the newspapers, that it is “an enormous success.” And even if bills and articles were silent, we should be led to the same conclusion by the appearance of the theatre before the curtain—crowded stalls, private Bu : the Handy-book of the ~ | first law;” and we know that of audiences, we have only to read the ‘eriticisms. boxes all filled, well-tenanted dress-circles and pits—as much as is left of them. As for galleries, except at Drury Lane, we won’t answer. They appear to be considered low. Probably the people who used to ee the galleries on this side the water, now go to the boxes over the ges. The malignity of rivals, or the incredulity of cynicism, may suggest “paper,” as the explanation of at least some of these well-filled houses. One hears such sneering remarks as that “Order is Manager’s pasteboard has been used for m ing houses elsewhere than in Japan. But if we doubted ‘the evidence o ici Critieism is emphati- cally a pave of our own generation. Everybody mow-a-days is a critic. Look at the Saturday Review,if want ‘to ‘see ‘the critical lash well laid on. And there is a whole legion of i i suit of the Saturday, much ur, ly and quite suffieed our si have to s le for life ab and can y hold theirown. 0 days, and newspaper -nébices of new pieces are, i of every score, one ‘string of praises and manager, it must "be because the pieces are critics unwilling or unable to find fault. Perhaps Mr. Bovcteauit may nave pene a little ‘too when he fixed the profits of a well-conducted West-End theatre, of fair @imen- Sets cal, baaian ba bas the apapuine Semmpeeieenpeliaimest co. an e has the ine tem: imaginative creator, and emf be excused for seeing things theatrical in a high light. He livesdma blaze of triumph, and ally‘surveys the rofits as well as catastrophes of the Drama t ‘@ Magnifying inocular glass, and ‘under effects of blue and red JBut there can be no doubt, tovanyingenuous mind looking patent fagteim the face, that the Londen theatres‘ere flourishing—in every sense‘of the word. But not only is the Theatre prosperous and t is ina transitional state—just the condition for a useful appliestion‘of sound precepts and directions ‘to all parties co in ‘its (prosperity— whether actors, managers, authors, critics, orspectators, For ere the weighty eonelusions of old experience are, we fear, Pn the 0 if o 2 and far rf ing into a desuetude among actors. are % here and there, of a fatal disposition to forget that acting is an art, and, as an art, must be carefully kept apart from Nature. Not that this mischief has gone very far; but we have a few actors and actresses, otherwise of promise, who seem to be dropping into natural tones and movements, and stooping to an imitation of everyday life, which is quite out of keeping with the conditions of the Stage. Thus, we have even seen actors of late forgetting themselves so far as to remove their hats when they enter a drawing-room, or pausing to salute a lady before peeing Ce words set down for them; and actresses have been heard to object to walking in the streets at all times of the day in evening dress, and without bonnets. These are, evidently, vicious concessions to that realism which is fatal, we fear, to all art, and which has already invaded the scenic department of the Theatre. Happily it has not yet got farther, or only in very few cases. Managers have not yet, ‘we are thankful to say, insisted on natural action and unexagge delivery — much less on probable incident or possible story—in these rooms which the scene- in build so solidly, and furnish with such completeness; or fore the landscapes, in which the skill of a Bevertey, a Gaieve, a TELBIN, or a CaLicor struggles not unsuccessfully with Nature. The piece and the acting still bring us back to that domain of the imagina- tion, in which Nature is felt to be out of keeping, and imitation of realities impertinent. _Even managers are by no means [beyond the need of some useful hints. Fortunately the good old rules, which prescribed the dis- comfort of audiences, the dirt and dinginess of private boxes, and the extortions of boxkeepers, as the best conditions for enhancing the enjoyment of the play, by operation of the well-known law of contrast, are still adhered to by the majority of this class. But a few mis- guided persons have not scrupled to substitute for these chastening influences, comfort, cleanliness, and civility. The effect, we need hardly say, has been to encourage a captious and fault-finding spirit in the visitors to other, and more intelligently administered, Theatres. Again, among actor-managers,—a class that now almost monopolises the direction of our theatres—there are a few who show no sense of the responsibilities of their double character. They are content to figure as merely stock-members of their own companies; their names are not printed in larger letters than those of the men and women whom they hire and pay. Pieces are not selected with a view to the dis- play of their individual talent. They seem content ignobly to stand on common ground with the rank and file of their profession, instead of taking up a becoming position of pre-eminence upon the pedestal of their managerial dignity. Actor-managers must not be allowed thus to forget themselves, with-

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Novemerr 26, 1864.) PUNCH: OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. 217 who have a truer sense of the duties of their position. a wegen, and t ch arning, ins ust as much as managers "To all these classes Mfr pes to offer. practical may as Actor (excitedly). “For TWO LONG YEARS Have I——” A Voice from above. “So you ’avE, Guv'Nor!” LETTER FROM A MAN. My pear Puncu, Woman is our Master, there is no doubt about that. But we have not ceded the last shred of our liberty. One privilege is reserved to us, as if to remind us that we had once been the stronger. By the law of England we may beat, rob, insult, and in fact, inflict any outrage upon a woman, and (in the absence of other testimony than hers) do exercise these manly rights with impunity, if it happen that, by reason of defective theological education, she is unable to declare in a court of — that she believes in the dogma recently condemned by the Privy uncil, I earnestly hope that a bold and strong stand will be made against the meditated attempt to deprive us of this right. I regret to see that the Rev. F. Maurice joins in the cry that a woman ought not to be sa of the protection of the laws merely because she does not believe in the Devil. Who is she, to set herself up against Him? An article in the Morning Star also advocates a change in the law, and considering that the original Morning Star was Lvucrren, I consider the conduct of the journal as exceedingly ungrateful and unfilial. In other respects the-article has ability and merit, and I extract a passage :— ** A prisoner may call as a witness his mother or his daughter, his sweetheart or his ss, and the jury will pay all proper attention. and attach all befitting weight to the testimcny; but no itish jury must be allowed to hear one word which a wife can say to establish the i of her husband.” Here I think the law may advantageously be altered, because men are often sufferers by the ceieting system. And I have the less objec- tion to the change, as, from what I have heard of wives, I believe there is no great danger of their abusing, by carrying to excess, the right of saying anything in favour of their husbands. Believe me, yours truly, A May. Themis Lodge, Justitia Road. “Cautp Kar in ABERDEEN.”—Lorp Russgit’s Lecture on the British Constitution. out an appeal to the noble example set them in these respects by men critics, and spectators of stage-plays need i j actors. advice of a . Punch hiety wees kind a his “ Handy-book of,the Stage,” of which this THE WONDERS OF MODERN TRAVEL. , TO THE STATION. Wowner if my watch is right, or slow, or fast. Wonder if that church elock is right, — Wonder if the cabman will take eighteempence from my house to the Station. THE STATION. Wonder if the porter understood’ what I said to him about the 1 ’ "Wieder if I shall see himmagain. Wonder if I shall know him, when I do see him again. Wonder if I gave my writing-case to the porter, or left it/in the eab. Whedier ia,aish nocket ies wy oll er in. my Wonder where I my that: bad half-erawn which the clerk. wan't take. Wonder if that ’s another that I’ve just put down. Wonder whiere the perton se who lnggage. Wonder where m is, e Wane ee whether: i gave my writing-case to the porter, or left 18 in the : Wonder whicli is my trata, Wonder if the gnardi knows anything: about that porter with the | | writing-case. Wonder if it w#// be “alliright” as the guard re be. Wonder if my luggage, being now labelled, will! be put into the van. Wonder if L’*exgot time to get a sandwich and a glass of ae, if they’vegat the 7imes of the day before powfas ge A I | wen’t seen. | — if Rage an be pok is out yah. ie ae er w dim’ nice sandwiches an erry. Wonder if 1 neo for . cup of coffee instead. Wonder if bell for starting. Wender Stak il carvan where I left my rug and umbrella, so as to it again. Wane where te guard: is to whom I gave @ shilling to, keep a | carriage for me. Wonder why he didn’t Keep it; by “ it,”” I mean the carriage. | Wonder where they ’ve put my luggage. THE JOURNEY. Wonder if my change is all right. Wonder for the second time in which pocket I put my gold. Wonder if I gave the cabman a sovereign for a shilling. Wonder if that was the reason why he grumbled less than usual and drove off rapidly. , Wonder if any one objects to smoking. Wonder that nobody does. Wonder where I put my lights. la Wonder whether I put them in my writing-case. Wonder for the third time whether I gave my writing-case to the porter or left it in the cab. : ‘ Wonder if anybody in the-carriage has got any lights. Wonder that nobody has. Wonder when we can get some. Wonder if there ’s anything in the paper. Wonder why they don’t cut it. Wonder if 1 put my knife in my writing-case. Wonder for the fourth time whether I gave, &. Wonder if I can cut the paper with my ticket. Wonder where I put my ticket. Wonder where I cou/d have put my ticket. Wonder where the deuce I put my ticket. Academical. Js the Master of Caius, Cambridge, of penamey a married man ? | Whether this is the case or no, the Mistress of Keys (Caius) should | hold in perpetuity the venerable title of Mother Bunch COMPARISONS ARE ODIOUS. Sir Henry Srorks is appointed to Malta. This will give an oppor- | tunity for contrasting the rule of King Storks there with King Log in the Ionian Islands. QUESTION FOR IRISHMEN. | Pat, what’s the best of travelling? Troth, sure, an’ isn’t it the “rale” way (railway). —-

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 26, 1864. Lh a Mi, y 4 j = yy), PMI ay FIRST CLASS TRAVELLING.’ Various EvoLurions PERFORMED By Mr. M‘Lawkis, aFTER THE Ercuta Hour or THE JOURNEY FROM Eprxsurca To Lonpon, IN THE VaIN ENDEAVOUR TO OBTAIN RELIEF FOR HIS LEGS. THE GUILDHALL ECLOGUE. *Twas midnight in Guildhall. Two voices broke Into the darkness : Gog and Macoe spoke. Who heard their conversation? Ask you who? Let Echo answer, is that to you ? Perchance perdu some penny-a-liner lay Recovering from his drunk on Lord-Mayor’s-Day ; And crouching low where Pitt and Beckrorp stand, Noted the in tremulous short-hand. ‘Take thot this truth, enough for man to know, Punch hears of all things in this world below. Gog. My brother ! Magog. You’re another. Gog. Pleasant at times, just now delights not me. Restrain your wit, my Macoe, and with ears Hear me; then, if you can, restrain yen tears. Magog. Down Pluto’s iron cheek distil the brine, But blow me if it wets this wood of mine. Gog. ’Tis sternly said, yet sternness oft can turn To softness. Who has blubbered more than Sterne ? Magog. Beshrew thy quips and cranks and puns grotesque, Or send them for the Royalty burlesque. State in a jiffy what thou hast to state, _ Or let me a a Nay it’s precious late. My brother ! ; lagog. Bother! You said that before. Goe, you become a sentimental bore. Gog. Hear, then, and listen to a mournful tale. To saw ei age — is His Leone is . agog. not know 1 ow the changes rung Upon it, on the ninth, from sockney tongues. “ He brews good hale.” “ Hail in November ’s due.” “Ope he won’t ail his turn of hoffice through.” ** Nay, he looks hale.” “ Hail, fellow, and well met,” With other epigrams which I forget. : . Why then rejoice'the more. But now, I guess, ° I rather think that you’ll rejoice the less. _ That Hatz, whose name should hint a flowing can, Has turned— Magog. What, sour ? Gog. No, worse. A Temperance Man! Magog. You scoffed at me for jesting.. At the best This is a very dull and pointless jest. Gog. O, Macoe, that it were! My tale is true. He hath allied him with the Temperance crew ; And at the Mansion House, yes, Macoe, there, Hath bid them muster—nay, has filled the chair. Magog. I’m loth to doubt my brother, yet I try. Goe, are you telling me a —— Brother, fie! Gog. N Ly it’s the truth. Our hearts may burst, But this is so. Tea-cups have done their worst. The Mayor—the idea, the marrow, and the pith Of hospitality—is now a Myth. © Yes, ’twas in Egypt’s Hall for him to frame | Unto himself a pyramid of shame : . Yes, in that Hall whose every echo pains Thoughts of the shout the voice of Bacchus flings, Amid those columns at whose base would sink The Alderman disguised in robes and drink, Upon that dais, found, on festive eve, A step to elimb, a precipice to leave, Stood London’s Mayor, and, Macoe, woe is me! Preached moderation and a cup of tea. Magog. O Cummine! Cummaine! Cummine!, 09). Psa. : Come along. Magog. Joking is coming it a deal too strong. I called upon the Doctor. It is clear He’s right—the world’s done up, or very near. ‘“anbor] sounsodway ayy fo uvuswy) sv yooody SMOXVT AuO'T 209]

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ae ree Bee — ae in the Solent. example set b reservation of Wimbledon Common , and is in ? Nay, wilt thou not have done ? one. one but all who view the pile, A New York journal states that Carrans (Alabama) Szamzs— “ Has obtained another ship, and under the name of SwiTH has reached Havannah We she about his “ havi Admirable Imitation. Doe Latiy.—Cave Canem, Hampstead H for ever, according to the dying yon WILson. And prosody’ and eapawen Sy Senet. Acourst, for iti ge he letter T. What, shall the be made of brew sip what ’s not true ? Shall Lord * ink gruel thick and slab, Ard reo wom, oy cal er now And all along of that owdacious Hats ? ee See eee aw wanes, oe tow Scien le; tly built, E Fi FF 25 Z : “7 E Hf | 7 ut we next shall hear of Manilla that the New Yorkers must have been the name of gu ann, me have yyy weorenied. Get dooms e € can relieve their minds ing, on “ reli ga aay sgyaleg wong a somimapeenstmn.toe te, caw vesos! wich be has just »” is one of the new Ryde'and Portsmouth ferry steamboats. some months past, been in the a and Portsmouth al mistake. ” authority (we use the Hmmet, which reached Havannah in the the Solent,” we presume it has arisen from the fact that one fine evening, is vessel crossed the Solent, the galant captain felt inclined for a cigar. So he went into his cabin to fetch one of the fine Havannahs he ; WE may venture to give publicity to a report that the generous SPENCER i ing measures for the perpetual for the benefit of the public, has uced such an epee goon honourable baronet that similar steps taken iapect to eath, so as to secure THE DAVENPORTS DONE UP. Ou, have.you heard the tale of sport About the Brothers AL How their career has been cut ? The way it was 2 De. Bocenes yas oe Been But Scorrerw, bent the trick to trace, Upon the platform took his place, The “structure” a8 a case __Of phthisical With ear as to a pati t, s on to test, ne en eee to Of impudent deceivers. THE FUSIBILITY OF THE PEOPLES. In the debate on the Convention in the Italian Parliament, Genera. Lamarmora said that the fusion of the Italians is a fact the army. It may be asked if the fusion of the Italians is a fact throughout the marines. It may also be asked whether, i the Italians throughout the isa tee inexorable does not compel us to believe t! ib f eee of Se, caneaeee zs les. t, is an extraordinary been accomplished ear; might have been expected to take place, if ow, however, suppose the Italians are fused, asked is, “ Will Italy run into Greece P” 5 [ 2 E ical Munifi Wrru the sole addition of merited italics, we the following statement from the London and China a ‘A pension of £800 a-year has been voted to the Bisnor or Victoria, subject to a deduction of any sum he may derive from an appointment in England.” Shabby ! PRO-PUNCH AND TURTLE. From the portentous fact of a Temperance Meeting held at the Mansion oe it may be surmised that the Lonp Mayor and Alder- men are about to embrace principles.

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Novemper 26, 1864, A HINT TO YOUNG LADIES. Mother. “‘ Now, Launa, 1v’s NO USE DENYING THAT YOU'VE SEEN CHARLES. HE 18 THE ONLY Person we Know wHo sMOKES ComMoN ToOBACOO, AND YOUR CLOTHES SMELL L1kB a Tap-Room.” WIMBLEDON PRESERVED. ich of life’s struggle in this town austed, ever must renew his force n Earth’s bosom, though he lie not tan down “Tis id me Pome must — due recourse 0 field and forest ; there, ature’s so ink, unfaithful care to drown a Draw vigour, dr If we would live, and not decline and fade, We must regard the lilies of the field, At least with ome eyes, for they were made Reading, which should i nh to yield, Heaven’s hieroglyphics in ’s book unsealed, They and the flowers in glory all arrayed. But how, if always spreading, day by day The City creep o’er meadow, hi pan § and moor, Weary, hot, feverish, to nd away, Out of the my crow To common, furze, and brake, where atambiede pour The melody which makes the sad heart There is for us, and shall be, one retreat, If but that only one, saved stucco free ; Wimbledon, evermore for pilgrims’ feet Ret ss — noble Spence, thanks to thee! us charter gives us scope to flee sill thither f from the hubbub and the heat. P-promise and Pep-performance. Mr. Peprsr, of the Polytechnic, gives notice, that, by the time the ice is on the ground, he hopes to have made several new slides for his own entertainment. OLD NURSERY RHYME, (Re-arranged by a Dancing Master.) Hi diddle diddle, The 4i# and the fiddle. Srortinc Fasuion.—Dangerous Style of Tie for a Foz- hunter.—A Fall for the Neck. ies Wuat is the most ae Periodical of the day ? The Powder Magazine MEPHISTOPHELES TO THE REICHSRATH. a... existence of MEPHISTOPHELES is denied or bo goa in the present ay by many of your Honours and Worships, and by some, even, of MEPHISTOPHELES does, nev: , exist, and if your heverencs, cock’s-tail feather are invisible, his working can discerned by the clear eye. MupuistoPHe es first eggs on his fools to Hel end tebe pessoas, oon See See ae slieee Bee own deeds. Thus, for instance, does the or Austria, with the mouth of MzruistorHexzs at bis ear, address his Reichsrath :— for many years in the north of Germany has just been sat ek uly posinas dcbapin ay mtionion tab cess has os ee and Hamaaaitier par iy wy Lah ry pow BEES See ee ee een hoy ratification of which is expected in a few ys.” Schleswi and Holstein have been stolen “in the most honourable | kin amg , how? Francis-Joserx tells the Austrian Parlia- ment, thus :— MN Ie me gotta yy Austria and Prussia has con- ins facilitated the final wariesotundine. the wise and just reticence of the Allied Powers has facilitated The mouth which emitted this terrible irony was indeed the mouth of ie a fou tl but the tongue within that mouth was twisted to talk MeruistorHees. Fancis-Joseru speaks of having ™ Ln Be that splendid prize,” Schleswig-Holstein, exactly as Fraxcis MOLLER os S have spoken of cea, Mowers that splendid rize, the of Mr. Bae owever, the cases of cis-JOSEPH and ng Moire aif in this, that MOLLER robbed and murdered Mr. Brices single-handed, whilst the Danes were dealt with by “the tit tues eas the navies of Austria and Prussia.” Moreover, MOLLER was hanged last Monday week. Neologians say what they like, but with Sénderborg and bbél noe | in this world, there’ must be a MEPHISTOPHELES. snarl of the mocking fiend is ‘audible in the gibes which the infatu- ated Katser is impelled to we unde the idea that they a are and glorification of himself and Royal accomplice. Meanw MepHISTOPHELEs bides his time. FOR PHOTOGRAPHIC ALBUMS. Mr. Punc# has seen, with a sensation which he can hardly describe, a most contemptible card of verses intended as a preface to hotograph Albums. The composition is fearfully snobbish. It contains the word “ Phiz,” which is never used in decent society exce Pt when reference is made to the distinguished artist who, in Deere of Snobs, selected the name. And it has also the word “Quiz h is never used except - Islington and in the back streets of tthe © City Road. That no may have an excuse for using, for a moment, the gejtion he subjoins some verses in the same metre, but of a siferent and he presents the copyright to the Collectors of Photographs :— Hes, here is mp Album, And mp Afivabit : EE pou beg for one picture, Em blessed if pou Il habe it. And von’t offer your on, But just take it for granted, That if not in the book, it’s because You’re not wanted. QUESTION FOR AGRICULTURISTS. Waar vegetable only petitions not to be eaten ? Why, of course, the Lettuce alone (/e¢ us alone). New NIGGER Sone, UNPOPULAR witH Scuoo, Boxrs.—* The happy land of Canaan.” >ROmO a eo a hw i oC a

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Novemper 26, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 223

A FRAGMENT. A Fracment of the long lost Eleventh Chapter of the Com- leat Angler

has been dis- We subjoin it in extenso :— / Water-side. | PP. And now, friend Vena- | won, I will = a the | -@oncerning the Chui is fish is most found in safe places and in locks, where it often attains to large size. It 5 -— on be — in ~ (S7p night time is much priz war (Ui iv but very difficult to wo pik on Ail anit TI ce Hin s& HT 7 yuu h NS TT a 8 etl th ily i ii th if] i i Ny years. Of the Lonely cial that it loves an east win ut soft--I have a rise. No. I missed H fear these flies are too large = for the water, Dat Edaoe aibect in e. Fae canes indeed thou P.P friend, and be in remarks ; and now let me you what I know of the Pike or Parr, which is solitary, morose, centre | voracious; you may see it lur mene bee a weed, and "takin of all that pass. It is so savage that it will rise to you, even if you have not stopped to bait. A fly is almost sure to fetch him out, but he will not take tus wice in the same day. Never “ee this fish, or you will come to grief. The male Pike is often called Jack, and takes kindly to his gill: a drag will always draw him. Now concerning th e ee . or Perch. I must tell you that this fish runs much of a size, aa tnd t by small boys, so that at schools the tables are age su with it But, Master Piscaror, methinks it begins to rain somewhat vy, shall we not take take shelter ? eae we truly, and in — water seems ave aa anual the use of our brotherhood. [Eveunt ambo

“T HAVE HEARD OF YOUR PAINTINGS, TOO!” Ox, that Hamer had lived in these days! How he would have fl the ladies! He had only face- painting, and/ogling and amblin - mincing sad Seana, to ieee in Ae im e. What afield he would ve in crinoline and porter’s-knots of false hair, and enamelled faces, and painted eyelids, and Brummagem golden locks, and all the thousand and one e: and falsifications and sophistications that now go IY the ‘ trgers ete, of a woman! Still, clever as our female face and cm, hang manage these things better in France. In Hm, Hyg Instance, the maxim of your British delle as > oak Na — "say dye” till she begins to get grizzled. The British brunette is content with =" glorious crown of brown or black hair with which nature invested her—though we do know exceptions. But your Parisian petite maitresse defies fact and deifies fashion. Nature puts her out—as Fusexi said. French figures and faces are-absolu d by the fashion-book. You must ‘be fat or lean, fale flat, long-faced or squab, as Ia Folie may and the milliners pronounce their fiat. Here is a bog in point. was in Paris—now some years ago— Mrs. Punch was from Mr. P, his “slow leave” to employ a dress-maker in the Rue la Paix. When the dress came home, Mrs. P., who bears a bosom <etky to suckle yo aang Seats could not breathe in the dimen- sions MapamE LA Mop wed her, and timidly told her so! “ Mais, , On Ne porte plus de gorge” (bosoms are not worn), was the stern rejoinder. “ But, what do the ladies do?” asked poor Mrs. P. “ Dame, on dle la ovate” (they take out the wadding). On the same principle, if Blondes are la mode, everybody insists on being dlonae.

Saeed at the Rye House.| B Vewator and Piscator at the h Nature is expelled, not with a fork, but with the /riseur’s irons, and black or brown hair is e to strike its colours and come out as blonde cendré, blonde dorée, blonde rousse, or any particular nuance of blonde that the lad ee! fancy, or her coiffeur god the secret of. “We have no Wi (Whigs), - ud from Paris an enthusiastic Angie. maniacal Frenc ws es Mr. Punch, who amongst other prsh eee: affects puns ; but 4 have ¢normement of dorées” ories. From dyeing. re to dy ve tas is only a step. And that step as been taken, if we pda tn hegre Parisian correspondent of the Globe—punningest and pleasantest r-writers. The Parisian poodle is no more eee “a about in his native colours now-a-days than his fair owner the soubrette converts her mistress from brunette to blonde, the mistress glorifies her unha) Py pet—poodle or Skye, or King Charles, or.1 greyhound—wi ong of sky blue, pea green, or rose du po ee ee at least put ona level with petite maitresse. Like the (with a difference),— “She thinks, admitted to thatequal dye, Her faithful dog may‘keep her company.” The quotation is so far porte ore was talking of Heaven, the Parisian lady is If Paris be the Heaven o' Tankers (4 dead, Americans,” it hag been die to Paris !”) hamps Elysées is the eaven, and i ie oe | of its celestial demi-monde angels with nin r rose-coloured THE GREAT SEWAGE QU#STION. My favourite notions are rudely 3. By. the movements at work i pot. Here I read of a Tem In the Mansion House, more is gathering And 3 a two as much ae jo| Seventh of poodles.

As a Lord Mayor the loving-cup shirking ; The new Board of Works has of Inte, giv’n up words, And really king! Then our friends Goc and Macoc, who*ve%sat there so long, Serene within sniff of Thames brewage, bout Metropolitan se Gatine all by the ears wae arwarets and his peers What price is — for this rich ingredient In the wide pale of civilisation. *Gainst. sewers, and said “ rather not,” When asked to la: mains down to take poor folks drains down, But if London ’s beginning to think gold of winning From her drains, she won’t long be left solus As a rather strong branch of With our iron and coal-fields, we ’Il bonst of our gold-fields, auriferous ; On our own banks of guano draw drafts, pieno mano, roductive, if somewhat But ere scents go scot free, let us hope we ots see. Every man i oon deodoriser. i ich though And called out a reasons and ee heh too, Tren. For a new battle now see two hosts face to to face, On a quarrel that well fits this new The battle of schemes for the sewage. In the a already the skirmishers show "Tis a fair stand-up fight of Tuwarres, Narrer & Co., Against Exxis and Baapy and MonTacus ; : And the ot net ed ng th Thee chaveholdecs’ pockets e end no rai poc taken to wor = laying about ay so hot and so strong, For not making due calculation Time was, in most places, Town Boards set their faces Or when to have rubbish ne shot. Weceioes each sewer—the more rich the less pure— by streams (od) pestiferous. As to spreading the wet— hose and ae Set P— On these points Time will Sieh es, hen a yey ae seen peta vm, awakened their As the battles of styles, schools, and Which defines Dirt as “ matter left ‘a tie wrong place ”-— Though they shoot rather wide and still want a cue ; May the best win—the winners’ shares go up like rockets, As well as the levels of

Rane: Rattway Gavers.—Trains are made for the Broad Gauge,

the Narrow Gauge, and the Lug-gage.

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemper 26, 1864, A HINT TO YOUNG LADIES. 18 THE ONLY Person we Kyow wHo sMOoKES Common Tobacco, CLOTHES SMELL LIKE 4 TaP-Room.” Mother. “ Now, LavRa, It’s NO USE DENYING THAT YOU'VE SEEN CHARLES. HE WIMBLEDON PRESERVED. Antzvs, of life’s struggle in this town Exhausted, ever must renew his force Upon Earth’s bosom, though he lie not down ike the old Giant; must have due recourse To field and forest ; there, at Nature’s source, Draw vigour, drink, unfaithful care to drown. If we would live, and not decline and fade, We must regard the lilies of the field, At least with open eyes, for they were @ Reading, which should oie. to yield, Heaven’s hieroglyphics in ’s book unsealed, They and the flowers in glory all arrayed. But how, if always spreading, day by day The City creep o’er meadow, heath, and moor, Weary, hot, feverish, to get away, Out of the sultry crowd and its dull roar, To common, furze, rake, where song-birds pour The melody which makes the sad heart gay? There is for us, and shall be, one retreat, If but that only one, saved stucco-free ; Wimbledon, evermore for pilgrims’ feet Kept sacred, noble Spzncer, thanks to thee! Thy generous charter gives us scope to flee Still thither from the hubbub and the heat. 3 UNG MN Meg MEE P-promise and Pep-performance. Mr. Pzrrsr, of the Polytechnic, gives notice, that, by the time the ice is on the ground, he hopes to have made several new slides for his own entertainment. OLD NURSERY RHYME. (Re-arranged by a Dancing Master.) Hi diddle diddle, The Aié and the fiddle. Srortinc Fasuion.—Dangerous Style of Tie for a Foz- hunter.—A Fall for the Neck. ed ate Wuat is the most sensational Periodical of the day ? The Powder Magazine. AND YOUR MEPHISTOPHELES TO THE REICHSRATH. Tue existence of MEPHISTOPHELES is denied or doubted in the present day , of your Honours and Worszhips, and by some, even, of our erences. MEPHISTOPHELES nevertheless, exist, and if is queer foot and cock’s-tail feather are invisible, his working can be discerned by the clear eye. MuruistoPHexes first eggs on his fools to kill and take possession, and then ~~ oo them to satirise their own deeds. for instance, does the or Austria, with the mouth of MzruistorHExes at bis ear, address his Reichsrath :— “A subject of for many years in the north of Germany has just been settled in the most manner. ~ The tatives of my empire will with close has been put to the war between the Powers by the Treaty of Peace, signed Se ee ratification of which is expected in a few ys. Schleswig and Holstein have been stolen “in the most honourable amy , how? Francis-Josern tells the Austrian Parlia- ment, thus :— ee eran 6 So ea mean at Sos Austria and Prussia has con- quered that prize ; the wise and just reticence of the Allied Powers has facilitated final understanding.” The mouth which emitted this terrible irony was indeed the mouth of Faancis-Joszrx, but the tongue within that mouth was twisted to talk mockery by MzruistorHELEs. FRancis-Joszeru speaks of having “ cong that splendid prize,” Schleswig-Holstein, exactly as Francis MO.tzR might have ry ~ of conquering that splendid rize, the watch and chain of Briees. However, the cases of differ in this, that MOLLER ered Mr. Brices single-handed, whilst the Danes were dealt with by “the allied wanes oe the navies of Austria and Prussia.” Moreover, MOLLER was hanged last Monday week. Neologians say what they like, but with Sénderborg and bbél unavi in world, must be a MEPHISTOPHELES. snarl of the mocking fiend is audible in the gibes which the infatu- ated Katser is impelled to utter under the idea that they are and glorification of himself and his Royal accomplice. Meanwhile, MerHIsTOPHELEs bides his time. FOR PHOTOGRAPHIC ALBUMS. Mr. Punc# has seen, with a sensation which he can ae describe, a most contemptible card of verses intended as a preface to Photograph Albums. The composition is fearfully snobbish. It contains the word “ Phiz,” which is never used in decent society except when reference is made to the distinguished artist who, in mockery of Snobs, selected the name. And it has also the word “Quiz,” which is never used except at Islington and in the back streets of the City Road. That bed og = may have an excuse for using, for a moment, the ir in question, he subjoins some verses in the same metre, but of a different kind, and he presents the copyright to the Collectors of Photographs :— Hes, here is mp Album, And mp Afivabit : Ef pou beg for one picture, Em blessed if pou Il habe it. Anvd don’t offer pour son, But just take it for granted, That if not in the book, it’s because You’re not wanted. QUESTION FOR AGRICULTURISTS. Waar vegetable only petitions not to be eaten ? Why, of course, the Lettuce alone (/et us alone). New Niccer Sone, unrorutar with Scuoon Bors.—“ The happy land of Canaan.” a a a es

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November 26, 1864.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 223 A FRAGMENT. A Fracment of the long lost A nleventh Chapter of the Com- pleat Angler has been dis- covered at the Rye House. We subjoin it in extenso :— Vewator and Piscator at the { Water-side,. | . P, And mere friend VEna- tox, I will tell you somewhat concerning the Chubb. This fish is most found in safe places and in locks, where it often attains to large size. It can then only be taken in the | poo night time, and is much prized ; but very difficult to to pick You may, however, sometimes get one with a @ i HLL et Wve | i | TU ty G Ml Hil me il ‘ia jl anil Ni i i | iil mT \ HH years. that it loves an east win ut soft--I have a rise. a I have missed him. I ‘ flies are too large = for the water, but Lhave a cast aye. = V. Ay, marry indeed thou ee Rae me oe now let me — e- you o I know of the Pike or Parr, which is solitary, een Ren voracious ; = may see it lurking behind a weed, an — of all that pass. It is so savage that it will rise to = even if you have not A nee d to bait. A fly is almost sure to fetch him out, but he will not take twice in the same day. Never strike this fish, or you will come to grief. The male Pike i is often called Jack, and takes kindly to his gill: a drag will always draw him. Now ee the nee ~ or Perch. ee ee fish runs much of a size, freq requently —— t by small boys, so that at schools the wes are a su with it PS But, Master Piscator, methinks it begins to rain somewhat oe we not take shelter? Ay, truly, and in yonder water-shed that seems to have been ail a for the use of our brotherhood. ( Bveunt ambo. “TI HAVE HEARD OF YOUR PAINTINGS, TOO!” some te aie He ind only io a ia ailing ool sation e ladies e painting, an weal g and am mincing lisping, co abuse in Ais time hat a field he | have hed in in bene and porter -knol of false hair, and enamelled faces, and painted eyelids, and Brummagem golden locks, and all the thousand and one exaggerations and falsifications and sophistications that now go by the tng ey be, of awoman! Still, clever as our female face and ote ney man manage these things better in France. In magn, the maxim of your British delle as a oe ot bye on dye” she begins to get grizzled. The British drunette is aoe with oa glorious crown of brown or hair hich nature invested her—though we do know exceptions. But your Parisian petite maitresse defies fact and deifies fashion. Nature puts her out—as Fuse said. French figures and faces are- a d by the fashion-book. You must be fat or lean, full or flat, long-faced or squab, as La Folie may and the milliners pronounce their fiat. Here is a case in point. Mrs. Punch was in Paris—now some years ago— she ope rong: crom a Mr. P, we “slow leave” to employ a dress-maker in When the dress came home, Mrs. P., who bears a Setomn eiadndys to 3 ilieaien Punches, could not breathe in the dimen- sions MADAME LA — wed her and timidly told her so! “ Mais, , on ne porte de gorge” (bosoms are not worn), was the stern rejoinder. “ = what do the ladies do?” asked poor Mrs. P. “ Dame, on dle la ouate” (they take out the wadding). On the same principle, if Blondes are la mode, everybody insists on being dlonae. ledger line. Some | 4), Nature is expelled, not with a fork, but with the /riseur’s irons, and black or ~~. hair is made to strike its colours and come out as blonde cendré, rousse, or any particular nuance of blonde that he “~" ao fancy, or her cotffeur ves the secret of. “We have no (Whigs),” ta from Paris an enthusiastic Anglo-maniacal Tren = Mr. Punch, who amongst other Prash men affects puns ; but * have énormement of dordes” ories. From dyeing dies to dy: erg: is only a step. And ¢haf step has been taken, if we pha fm te gre arisian correspondent of the Globe—punningest and aeeiben et = letter-writers. The Parisian poodle is no more allowed_to go about in his native colours now-a-days than his fair owner. the converts oo mistress from bremette + sents “i pate rane, guocifen. 5 her unhapp pet—poodle or Skye, or Kin Italian grey hound—with o se of sky blue, pea green, or & Ghar Puppy s thug at least put cata tovel rk petite maitresse. Like the (with a difference),— “‘She thinks, admitted ‘to that.equal -~ . Her faithful dog may‘keep her company The quotation is so far pertinent a PE Was aking of Heaven, ”* it has been e Parisian ys here ae ee Yankees (* to Paris! fi ca rg is the eaven, and is of its celestial rose-coloured hi b Hlaeven of thet, Heaven, ena is dyed ° erarchy THE GREAT SEWAGE QUESTION. My favourite notions are rudely tee ity los | esl'dl 3 Heoeeeth peeian met ere I re a Tem In the Mansion Woe eal is the re a Lor yor the loving-cup The new Board of Works has, haa of te, giv’n up words, And really taken to working ! Then our friends Gos and Macoc, who*ve‘sat there so long, Serene within sniff of Thames Are wey about them, so hot and so strong, About Metropolitan wi Baw Getting all by Ae hes nee ae What nF eg dre t fo’ this 1 h t at price is expedient for x ingredien e wide — of civilisation, iis was, in most places, oem Renee sot they hoes *Gainst sewers, and said “ rather not,” When asked to it," a! woee beage to have rubbish oe a. ut if London ’s beginning to think go! eefaning From her drains, she won’t long be left solus We shall cherish h each sewer—the more rich the less pure— As a rather strong branch of Pactolus. With on te. cael aE, we ’ll boast of our gold-fields, Irrigated by streams (od) auriferous ; On our own banks of guano draw drafts, pieno mano, ME eras | if a Lay rae hose and jet 08 he we ose seal 5p = On these points Time wil sunke pine, te But ere scents go scot free, let us hope we nyt see very man his own deodoriser. ies? battles we se come S eee, ich though bloodless awakened their rn oa And called out both reasons and ee hd too, As the battles of styles, schools, and For a new battle now see two hosts face to fat to face, On a quarrel that well fits this new age Which defines Dirt as “ matter left in the wrong place ”— The battle of schemes for the sewage. In the open already the skirmishers show Though they shoot rather wide and still want a cue ; Tis a fair stand-up fight of Tawarrss, Narrer & Co., Against Exuis and Baapy May the best win—the winners’ shares.go up ‘ike rockets, ‘hile capital’s purse-strings are ’ pockets And the end not be drai their As well as the levels Ede THREE ‘Paine Gavexrs.—Trains are made for the Broad Gauge, the Narrow Gauge, and the Lug-gage.

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {November 26, 1864 |

<7 KZ Oy 18 PRETTY INNOCENT! Miss Muff. “ Ptxasx, Sm, I want To BE Mazaren.” Registrar. “ Qurtz Ricut. Waart’s nis Name?” Miss Muff. “ Pizasx, Sir, I pon'r Know. I THOUGHT YOURS WAS LIKE EVERY OTHER RecistRy Orricke—I put my NaME ON YOUR Books, 48D YOU FIND SOMEBODY WHO WANTS ME.” [The Registrar tnmediotely ai Town, and has not been seen since.

: send thousands of Beer barrels to the coasts nearest Germany, and it is WAR WITH GERMANY. to be hoped that the-effect of the liquor, whieh, will be furiously seized } by the troops of Father-Land, will make them easy = og to our nn Waar is the th of i ee Russa’ s taking so much pains to keep | But who knows what may happen in war-time? The immediat ieuels out ad pa war with All Germany; when Sir Gzoree Grey’s cynicism | missal of Siz GEORGE GREY is matter of course, and the German j Sammie Does the Home Secretary read | protection Society have been offered the free run of all the beer-shops |) 8 of his Xin ll Is he not aware that | and tobacconists’ in London, and these concessions may avert the blow. wil of Germans broke burglariously into D a hand hy Wholesale Gn the aol kebploes But we are in an awful state of alarm, and beg our readers to prepare |} for the worst.

refusing to interfere Sith the eae A Snip’s Sensational Advertisement. atin, which: ao be fon be — (In the latest style.) a a ion oo oe, ae “Crores! Clothes! Clothes! Clothes!” ion. gamed of the last scene * Who ’s there but knows,” “ For soldiers, gents, or sailors. - “ That none, you see,” ** Make togs like me.’ “* The others are all Failers ! ” 2 | Note by Mr. } We’ve had Sensation Headers, we Punch. Have now Sensation Tailors. aia ita of a German

Temperance at the Mansion House. Tue Lorp ‘Mayor has been lending’ the Mansion House for a | Temperance demonstration. pr he 6 oda Extremes meet. Besides, t} there is already one point of resemblance at least ‘between Lord Mayors’ Feasts and Temperante — At- both ‘there is an } ion, i six months ? It is true that the Penn in the Thames ve undertaken to demoliah that fleet; and will ee ne ene ‘ , probabl what are we to do with the armies which will be led on foe owned Sella oni ! precestionsyad ordered In France they wax their , with “ fatting wax;” in England Mervx, Messrs. Truman and Hansury, and cther gigantic brewers to we only hear of C* Cae a. Wscefary Sy of London Printers rietan ibe Oee Stee in Lombard Srrece, in: in the ine Precinet of 'Whitefriase: Gy of beaten, tea Published pcan es Neo. ta vient Yironn im the Parise of St. Bride, cis Satvnpar, November 26,

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Decempzr 3, 1864.) 225

&C°* WARE H OUBE iN rT mt! AYOUNG MA'T WANTED I} yy PEL ICS

|) | N } i] <p a! fd A |

A CAUTION TO YOUNG LADIES WAITING FOR AN OMNIBUS. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A FLOURISH BY OUR FLORIST. Now men November chill benumbs, In bloom are the Chrysanthemums ; Now while its gloom the town beglums, How bright are the Chrysanthemums ! So to the Temple Garden comes The world to By omnibuses, cabs, and : All flock'to the Chrysanthemums. From splendid squares and squalid slums They crush to the Chrysauthemums. Hear how the crowd, admiring, hums Its praise of the Chrysanthemums ! See how the children suck their thumbs While viewing the Chrysanthemums ! Miss Lavra iano strums, Then hies to the ceitemins: And Master Cuar1&s invites his chums To see the famed Chrysanthemums. aos white as poe ry a es, e’er grew such gran santhemums. In India { there are no Begums So gay as the Chrysanthemums. Now sound the trumpets, beat the drums, Let off your loudest a-la-rums, For lo! Punch the Conqueror comes To visit the Chrysanthemums ! I u \

LITERARY INTELLIGENCE. Tux following works will be published, in the course of | the Season, by the annexed eminent Firms -—, A History of Giants wprony, The Manufacture of Port-wine (SmitH & ExpeER). The Court of King Arthur (Vimtur & Co.). A Manual of Heraldry SS nang) The Undertaker’s Vade-Mecum (Hurst & Buacket7). A Treatise on the Skeleton (Boun’s Series). The Philistine’s Captive (Sampson Low). ,

Morro FOR THE LATE TOLI-KEEPRR OF SOUTHWARK Brivce.—“ Non toli me Tangere.” Freely hae | touch no more Toll.”

| Tue Saxon “ Puncn.”—The Witiynagemot.

APOLOGY FOR THE GERMAN SOCIETY. BY HERR VON SCHWEPENBIER. Tue spectacle of Germans loving one another out-and-out, and stick- ing fast to one another through thick and thin, ee aught that one another may have done to anybody else, dumfounds English- men with angry bewilderment. A clear explanation of this mystery shall therefore be offered to. the beef-headed ones. The common sonship of Fatherland unites all Germans in the para- mount bond of a brotherhood of transcendental holiness. Every German individual unit is as one of the molecules of a mass of matter united with the cohesiveness of wax. Hence the homogeneity of the German people. Every German has an inner subjective self, of divine essence, and an outer objectivity into which the subjective occasionally passes, and having there awhile submitted itself to the appetites and the impulses, returns into its pure Ipseity, none the worse for having perhaps been en in picking pockets or cutting throats in the meantime. tis in the state of objective consciousness that the great German nation, as one man, actuated by an acquisitive enthusiasm, rushes in overwhelming force on a neighbouring State, and dismembers it of two provinces necessary to complete the idea of German unity, and realise a German fleet. What if, in the execution of that exploit, they kill and mutilate any number of the antagonists who offer them resistance ? For when Germany has returned from the objective into serene subjec- tiveness, what been has ceased to be in the thought of Germans, and is not oe so they innocently wonder to hear themselves aceused of robbery and murder. So when, in a momentary excursion from the Inner of Moral Con- sciousness, the German mind, rendered for the time objective by the attraction of a watch and chain, or a portemonnaie, impels the German hand to grab those articles, and to knock their owner on the head for

brevity and precaution, the German, having satisfied his objective craving, retires into his subjective tranquillity, and resumes his habitu- ally mild and gentle demeanour. The assassination and robbery which his objective personality has committed, are a mere episode of his essen- tial life. They are dism from his subjective mind, and he foes about as light-hearted as though nothing had happened. He and his countrymen regard those acts as the work of a past entity, and not his present own. They, therefore, think it monstrously cruel to hang him on the ground that he is guilty of them. ‘The inner I of the German ever retains its essential purity unsullied, under all circumstances, and, consequently, his brothers use their utmost endeavours to prevent brutal foreigners from putting out his I, as if he were a common objec- tive ruffian, by the capital punishment of stretching his neck, for the trifling offence of cracking an old gentleman’s skull, by the way. It is hoped that this elucidation of a sentiment which been aay mistaken for the mutual sympathy of rascals, may prove satis- actory.

Note on Dress. In an article that appeared lately in the Times on “ Left-off Clothes,” there was an omission of some moment. No mention was made of the fancy Watchmakers have for second-hand things. They were also the last to leave off wearing clocks on their stockings.

A VEXED AND VERY VEXATIOUS QUESTION. THERE is a question of another Italian loan of three millions. This seems destined to be the perpetual t difficulty that Italy, as an — kingdom, will have to contend with, viz., the settlement of its apital. One Way or Risine mn THE Navy.—Being mast-headed.

VOL, XLVII. AA

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PUNCH, OR, THE. LONDON. CHARIVARI. (Decemper 3, 1864, MR. PUNCH’S, HANDY-BOOK OF THE STAGE. CHAPTER I.—DIRECTIONS TO ACTORS. T He Handy-book will deal first with the Actors, not only be- cause they are the objects of most public interest in a theatre, but because they are the real foundation- stones of the theatrical edifice. “THE ACTORS MAKE | THE THEATRE” | Let this fundamental | principle be deeply im- | pressed on the mind of every one who follows that noble profession, | which can boast the names of a S#ak- SPEARE, a Ben Jonson, and a Garrick. It will encourage self-re- | spect, which the linger- ing influence of a wretched social preju- dice might otherwise = in the Actor, teach him a lesson he needs above all men—to set a proper value on himself. Besides, a con- viction of this truth is, in a great measure, the secret of the Actor’s public importance—the key-stone of his position. We may be told that the Manager and Author are just as essential to the fortunes of a theatre as the Actors. But where would the Manager or Author be without the paces mag ar one has Inenely to settle oe plans of his a campaign, to pieces capital, to pay his company, to hear their queuiete arrange their little difficulties, protect their interests, and find them —e opportunities for the display of their abilities. Any-| body can make odieeen ’t we see, every day, men who have | failed in every other calling, taking up this, and doing jast as well in it, apparently, as those who have been at it all their lives? In comparison with the Actor’s the Manager’s work is child’s play. And besides being easy, it is mole-like, dull, obscure, and mechanical. You can no more put the two on the same than you can level distinctions between the.crawling grub or torpid chrysalis and the brilliant butterfly. As for putting the Author before the Actor, you might as well say the tailor was greater than the man who wears clothes. ‘The Author is the poor drudge who laboriously fashions the pale outer husk and dead case of the. part, which it.is the Actor’s business to endow with life, colour, and motion. He is the true. creator, who. breathes over the dry bones of the play-wright, and bids them. put om flesh, and rise and walk. That this is the right estimate of the two callings, is shown by their relative | position and remuneration. Compare the social position of the Actor— courted, /éfed, caressed, the darling of the. public—with that of the Author, an obscure ige, too often shy, shabby, altogether the sort | person to fight. shy of rather than, /éfe or ask to dinner. Put the | rewards of the successful Play-actor by those of the successful Play- , writer. The one receiving his £50 a night, perhaps, | for his performance in a play the Author of which thinks himself | well paid by a fiftieth part of that sum. Look at the Author—even the successful Author—before the Manager. What do we see? poor creature, submissive, if not abject, thankful for an audience, grateful for a payment on account, submitting to snubs and sneers, glad to clip, and carve, and remodel his work at his customers’ dictation—too thankful to have it tried upon any terms, and the bill paid. Then see the Actor in the Manager’s room, dictating the terms of an engagement—throwing up a part, or exactin; - satisfaction for a capa oat or failure of proper respect. You find in a man animated a becoming sense of his importance to the theatre, dealing with his anager rather as a superior than. an equal, imposing his own terms, buoyant, and self-confident. with that noble assurance which springs from the proud sense of power, and the invigorating consciousness of universal recognition. _As, then, the Actor is the back-bone of the: theatre—the working ivot of the whole stage machinery—it is with the Actor that our andy-book first deals. But the reading and rehearsal of a Play must precede the acting of it, | and in both the Actor has some concern. | the fire, or a p ‘interest in the scenes as the | A few rules, therefore, for his guidance on these occasions, may pro- perly precede our for his‘ conduct on the Stage :— AT THE READING OF A PLAY Do not trouble yourself to be punctual to a few minutes—if your posi- tion in the theatre renders you safe from a fine, Nothing is so foreign to the spirit of an essentially artistic calling as a mechanical, business- i ime. was made as clerks, men-of- i tradesmen, and rail guards—not for the volun- teammentiated’ is the delightful sorviee-clitiie Arts. : Besides, a little waiting will give the Author time to collect himself. Tf he know: his. place;,he will feel timid ‘and nervous, as inferiors. must be expected to feeb ” of their betters : if he do xet know his place, it will! be to teach him; and for this purpose nothing is better-than-toelet him kickihis heels for a little time on a cold stage, or in. an empty greem-room. — Be careful in. your demeanour; and in any remarks you may address to the Author—I do not object to. your s ing to him, though I-must caution you against any undue: familiarity, which is pretty sure to be presumed upen—to show that yow thoroughly understand his position and yourown. Do not let him:féraanoment forget that he is convers- ing with a superior, ? hen summoned: to. the readiagydé.not take-your seat hurriedly, and never submiti to.angydis asa near the door or i ure: to To do so, shows a dispo- ut upp withislight and: di which is fatal in a theatre. Always take the:hest:plaee, and then: with it. This will show you are not a:person:to; be put uponj,andiwill prepare the Author for thatcritical severityin ‘omg judgment of,higs piece which is the kindest service you can:render him. If a lady, you will, of course, take the. opportunity of the Author’s opening his manuseript, to recognise your particular friends in the com- pany, exchange the civilities. of the mormisg—which should never be omitted in a theatre, —ienuaged Sreecuaneean ever to find a home— and any remarks which magybe naturally suggested by last night’s per- formance, the play-bills ofthe day, or. the i rs. These little neighbourly attentions cannot be so wellipaidi later in the reading, and they will:help toxpat the Amthor-at: his easep,and show him he is among friends who make no ceremony with him. ; Be careful how you choose your place. Always command a mirror, amdiavoid a strong light. You will thus: beable to observe the play of emotiomon your own featur. ingr theereading—the most improving for: the. Actor—and: yom: williayoid‘exposing your complexion to : ion; ffom: which even the cordial -feeling ee eleememgpenaty be:found among members of the same come not always preserve you. ar I need y caution you against feeling—much more showing—an reading proceeds. Interest is the most uncritical of all possible moods of mind, and as completely unfits you for clear judgment, as a keen appetite for the appreciation of refined cookery. Jf you feel an interest. growing up, in spite of your better judgment, struggle against it. Think of something else. Blow your nose noisily, Shift your position. Whisper to a-neighbour. Rise to shut or open the window . . . or pretend to fall into a dose, and wake suddenly, with an exclamation. You will thus break the chain not. only of your own ideas, but of your companions’, and, pro- bably, the Author’s, and recall him to the region of hard fact, from which he may be beginning to stray under the united operation of his self-conceit and the mischievous excitement of reading. One useful rule for destroying any interest the piece may be awaken- ing is not to listen to any part but your own. Theunerring instinct of the artist will, of course, soon guide you to the, character intended for ourself. Follow that closely and critically, and:see that, in justice to nimself, as well as to you, the Author does not. trifle with it. Remember that golden rule of your art—to think that the success of the piece rests entirely on your shoulders. In, this way, only, can thorough devotion to your part be secured. Any attention tothe other parts will naturally weaken your interest in your. own, and so, diminish A | your contribution to the effect of the piece. If every Actor follow this rule, the result will, of course, be, that all the parts will be strengthened, and the effect. of the exsemdbie raised in proportion. , Bat even if your part should leave nothing to be. desired, you will, of course, be careful not to let, the Author see that.you think so. Besides the general impolicy of encouraging a. class at: all times too ready to presume, it is clearly against your interest ever to be satisfied, as you may thus bar the way against future requirements. The best part is likely to have its weak points. Carried. away by the general effect, you may at first overlook these. But be cautious-how you yield to your first impression. Never commit yourself to strong approbation. Shrug your shoulders; grumble inaudibly; tell the Author you have failed to discover the part meant for you; and when he tells you, smile, and appear surprised, and say that somehow.you.do not.see yourself in it. You will thus prepare the Author’s mind for any demands you. may afterwards find it your duty to make upon him for the enrichment or strengthening of your part; or in the. improbable event, of your re- maining satisfied with it.as written, his mind, will. be. more relieved than if you had never grumbled,

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Decemssr 3, 1864.) PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARTVART. If you find a the Author has wronged Dae’ by giving any of his good things to the ne yen secrete tng heme to too iapeatiion, eat DOUBLE TROUBLE, OR THE TWO MACBETHS. ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE BILL OF THE SAME THEATRE ROYAL, iw, if the Author rte the plums eine ‘Matbeth (on Monday, Wednesday,ond Friday) . . Mr. into yours, he will F ge ‘to provide other Masbith (on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday). . Mr. transferred, and the piece will thus be Macha (on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday). . Mr. Macdif (on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday) . . Mr. of fang angniapaets &. Lek no faee oO ‘ no false me ‘back the ry ——- plaid ‘SCENE 1.—ACT Il. OF MACBETH. his ‘work from the your relative positions, and the more you "SEB. Time : Tussday Night (refer to Bilt) Anthor will feel what he owes to your | Zuesday, Baturday Macbeth pre Th. Sat. Macbeth) is onthe | ant just dismissed his attendant,isyreparing for his a ea henecltanse ack yon uiision of his oltre. » do not encourage rash hopes b — Enter, Oblivions of Tu. ‘Th. Sat. Machetl’s Monday, Wednesday a t is safe to suggest that it seemed rather : ; : | _proning- kaif sure to be in daring vebearsal. and Friday Macbeth, dresse eps so reg (See Bilt’) ast cveryiling Wes ext, Lat LST erie our Dh. Sai sharp wr j oouys econ act, tee me) pe ve — is re coal epost > mnaer a p Conviction 0} impending ee een nate one “ate ). Soe tecdon: 2 I’ve ‘been thinking it was | “succeed, you enjo e - thinking that you have ‘enhanced bis’ tri triumph, S ‘contrast w oo the > he the audience the idea gs discouragement you have done your best to engender. hardly He | point ‘eat how —— this reflection is elsalsied to to ufford to the benevolent ‘The “Actor’s proper conduct at rehearsal must be the subject of oO; @ i ‘ THE POOODLE’S PETITION. f : ie “Dare thee not, and yet T oe thee sfl> ‘Am—“ My Bother bide me bind my Hair. (To thimecif, “withthe *d go away.”) iY own hair dyed, have taken todycing their ant thou not, fatal vision ible “AS sig ” ; . “Confound the fellow!” MM. W. F. Mac, viciously, —- —— Eyes fac, viciously, eo “ rs ) g ) 4 e thou but A dagger of the mind—a false creation?” at W.F. Mac. (at wing, sarcastically), False creation! Gad! I should InK sO, T..Th. Sat, Mac. (on stage, continuing soliloquy )— “T see thee yet ——’ (Hyeing M. W. FP. Mace. more savagely than ever)— “in form as palpable As that which now I draw. M. W. F. Mac. (at wing). Draw, indeed! Won't draw a shilling. Better let me play it every night. [Retires from wing, and the soliloquy is continued. Last Sone (oome night). M. W. F. Macbeth.as Mi “ Turn, hell-hound, turn!” — ae. ee f all men else T hare" nee . WF. Mac as (giving in— d z. 3 °% “ne “y a — Quite forgot. z join ieeraeaetdeen a 7. Th. Sat. Mac. (going on regularly.) “ L have avoided thee.” But it not sky-blue. (Zo himself.) “ And will in future.” ies to hang a — head, (Aloud.) “ But get thee back,” &c. &c. [They fight viciously. M. W. F. Macbeth, o—- , taking a mean advantage of T. Th. I feel *twere better to "be d dead, Sat. Macbeth’s pause for breath, determines to show a night Than dyeing every day ! audience that they ought to hear uim-as Macbeth, cries furiously, “ Accursed be the tongue that tells me so, Rieti Sete-wre Tathinn said, For, it hath cowed my beter part of ma. be these,” &c. &c. . T ‘ll not fight with thee.” T’m proud of my flesh-coloured nose, T. Th. Sat. Mac. (forgetting, in his excitement, what day of the week Proud of my pinky eyes ; it is.) “Then yield coward,” &c. &e. But must I go couleur de rose, M. W. F. Mac. (not caring what day the week it is) — Because my Mistress dyes ? f “T?li not yi To kiss the — be. &e. Macdvff, A Nice Thing in Caps. And damn’a be be first cries hold, enough !” | Lerner appeared the other day in the 7imes with the signature of they forte Pg ars ¥ F. Macbeth). > P. Th, Sat. Macheth kills “Das Hhthasen takes tae about,” and headed “ Volunteer M. W. F. Mac. (dead ‘aad Brekke ‘Berd on nd, to T. Th. s. | Percussion Caps.” It is not to int supposed that caps so called are, as a g —— their name ~— be supposed to intimate, aecustomed to go off of their Mac.). [—say—my boy—it ee Nicat! (Dies happy. own accord. Some of ther them, indeed, do not go off at all, but those that (Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday Macheth suddenly realises the do mostly go off into small pieces, "which fly about in all directions, horrid truth as the Ourtain descends. occasionally into the rifleman’s eye. Finis, - RPTRPOONR NS RE oP wD

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[Decempzr 3, 1864,

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

a LILA ~<£FBz SIaT “eee Ane = C1t ab tig yp Wrage tts

UNANSWERABLE. My FRIENDS ARE VERY DISSATISFIED. Taey——” Old Girl. *‘ On, I’vE BROUGHT BACK THESE CARTES OF MINE, MR. KAMMERER. Photographer. “ Dear me, Mum, I’m ExTREMELY Sorry; I THOUGHT THE PoRTRAIT VERY——” Old Girl. “ On! Imposstste ; It’s Hingovs!” \ AAA 8 il gia

4 OIE, A 7 <

——<= SA pA ALLL

TWO QUACKS IN QUOD.

THE FEDERAL PHENIX. Wuewn Heroporvs, surnamed “ The Father of History” (We are not informed who was History’s mother), Went a travelling to Egypt, that region of mystery, Where each step presented some marvel or other, In a great city there, called (in Greek) Heliopolis, The priests put him up to a strange story—rather— Of a bird, who came up to that priestly metropolis, Once in five hun years, to inter its own father. When to filial feeling apparently callous, Not a plume ruffled (as we should say, not a hair rent), In a pot-pourri made of sweet-spice, myrrh, and aloes, He flagrantly, burnt, after burying, his parent. d to gather But Pompontvus Meta has menage Of this curious story a modifi a, In which the bird burns up itself, not its father, And soars to new life from its fiery immersion. This bird has oft figured in emblems and prophecies— nted its picture, nor WEENIX, And though Syypers ne’er pai Its portraits on plates of a well known. fire-office is, hich, after this bird’s name, is christened the Phcenix. Henceforth a new Pheenix, from o’er the Atlantic, Onur old fire-office friend from his brass-plate displaces ; With a plumage of greenbacks, all ruffled, and antic In Otp Ase’s rueful phiz and OLp Asr’s shambling graces. As the bird of Arabia wrought resurrection : By a flame all whose virtues grew out of what fed it, So the Federal Phoenix has earned re-election By a holocaust huge of rights, commerce, and credit. Two of the Advertising Quacks have caught it. Well done, Baron i many more of them may come under BRAMWELL, and we wish t. your “unforgiving eye.” Doctor Henery and his accomplice ANDERSON, the extortionists, who traded on the ~ y" of a young officer, are sentenced to hard labour for two years. e hope that the governor of the gaol will see that it is very hard, and will remember | that felons with a smattering of medical science may easily feign illness, | for which a mild igs will be the best cure. But have we only two rascals caged? ‘There are scores at liberty, who are advertising themselves freely, to the disgrace of certain newspapers. Silly young officers and all other silly persons, recollect that extortion is more or | less the game of the whole gang. Mr. Punch’s file impales heaps of | information which has been sent to him touching the doings of many | who have not yet been brought before Baron BramMwett. Woe to | the first on whom Mr. Puach shall lay the Iron Flail! But it is the | fools who make the knaves. We dislike the subject so puch that it is only from a sense of duty that we mention it. ly beloved young donkeys, do take warning and eschew these cold-blooded extortioners and quacks. “Country papers, please copy,” and London papers, too.

‘* Angels and Ministers.” Mr. Disrazui, in a speech of much religious unction, has just de- clared this to be the question now asked by science of society. ‘‘ Is man Ape or Angel?” “1,” says Mr. Disraxtt, “am on the side of the Angel.” The Ministers had best look out, for in March the House will “ring to the roar of an Angel onset.” Disragut, D.C.L., shall henceforth be our “ Angelic Doctor.’ We are not surprised at his declaration—we never thought him in the least like an Ape-man, but

we fancied him a little of Apemantus :— ** Immortal gods, I crave no pelf, 1 pray for no man but myself.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Decemszr 3, 1864, ) SY “Ly « Mj 4 7 ae Fa are 2 Life oa: Uff, 7 1 fp thy OK ¢ A\AS / j y MN Yj Hj t/ Packt WiC" i y / th =—{N A Zz Vy fijf q Y -~ a Vy Vj te fe 4) 8 64> fe 6S oe OA ee Se he OO DAS DD .* THE FEDERAL PH@NIX. 4s owe om wn a

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PUNCH, OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 231 UNACCOUNTABLE BUNKUM. , recom- to thank Heaven for having intervention. Acco wars loom over” oy declares that he, for his the’ rebels AY tt J ‘ \ TT, ‘ NY , ‘\ , \ \ \ F 4 ‘| wk’ THE PATENT RESTORER. FOR: TH@ HAIR: ( i ) : “Dean Sim,—After six months? use of moot tir oI Bae. Fs Pig six gh of your valuable prepasation,, my, as already Ht, spe Os te om MR. COBDEN AND HIS CLIENTS. AN. INFANT PHENOMENON. LL, Copp: Comensame readers of the newspapers, see strange things now and b sagen men of ym, vie yon ane: is are yyy pode sh 4 right, then. Only look at this announcement, which the other morning The Southern States-are fewer, and the Northern States are more, | 8Pppeared among the “ Births :’ that’s as plain a case as ’tis that two and two make four. vl On the 1th tn inst. at Ptymouth, the wife of-‘ Parallax,’ founder of the ‘ Zetetic A Heaven-ordained republic is a great and holy thi ee Who, ye Stars! is PARALLAX? What in wonder’s name isthe Zétetic face a a that diy on akg! hed a King. Philosop y? Such questions is the notice intended to proyoke; for of anh i Teiadies inonaniads san independence win ; course its object simply is to advertise the works of the "Trtetic | agains = craft’s deadly sin. Philosopher, if any works of his there be. At any rate we trust that | All wars of conquest ever waged were wicked save this one, the infant above advertised will be fitly named. does_her fond | The first exception fo 0 the rule that he heretofore had none, father say to letting her be eintoned ARALLAXIA ZETETICA ? Tts aim the stiff-neo beneath the North’s mild yoke to bend, And sanctified are ai Pie means to work that righteous end, Then let your eno that they may oa ine States regain, MULLER AND HIS MEN. ee Sees he rasealry of Jreland and Almain; Tse Germans who clapped when the. Diet dared:draw Soldiers who, ye pe ha they trium a do service in defeat, Execution. to, deal on the Duchies, And when they fail of vi ander in retreat, How! against execution, awarded by law, To Mbuxer, in Cancrart’s stern clutches. 2 ORL Ra ,. and Burner’ band ‘he rebale: homes ast blazing, and lay waate the rebels’ land,” Can the reason that Vaterland thus makes black white, What if they meet repulse from.men on many a battle plain, From applause to abuse shifts. its song ; The venen thay can wer upon, and manhood lightly a Be that our execution was: proveably. The Yankees’ arms.if Fortune with success refuse to crown, np tnaes _— sf Tha is wa of ants tig he way uch re nnn drown. is a.war of way such war to wage, Warfare that.shames the chivalry of this degenerate age. EMANCIPATE YOUR GAS. To aad oa: . Barrons! This, is. theory, of, our time. Let ha! let us— a ead they joie tre ph ap eilaivediaite P hee, hee, throw a little light the snigook, en! ha! bal The point Tie to a stake six prisoners, and in ‘cold blood shoot them dead! is this, Gas.is four shillings an anya ee bic feet. Never What’s that ? First torture captives ; go the whole hog, go ahead ! sane juantaly (and much btn or fre mm ought to on ee if wrongheaded, Conpzn, of your clients t Give you ifference into the pockets, of, the. monopolist oe How » think you, are they to sink, burn, slat gh nay pantalla Now, are going on bearing this ? itnet, None, let ' us hope, the for sneak 7 ou and friend. Brigut say ; ae the cheap gas. te heel ala ike ae GeorGe, Fiintore. Then you ’Il have cause to ves not much, another day, addington is up in of Pt Up, Ta len coletins “Conan so Pal wl ag ve To A Sramoxp Duarr.—The Brothers: Davenrone. for Cheap. Gas, aad Down with noe our

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Se | | | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemper 3, 1864. — LOOKING AHEAD. Harry. “1 Wisu I were you, Aunt!” Aunt, “War?” Harry. “Brcavuss I sHoutD Have such « Jotty CHaP FoR A NepuEew! WovuLpn’t I erves um a Lor 0’ THINes NExT CHRIsTMas!” THE WEATHER AND THE PARKS. We have it now in our power to lay before the public from time to time exclusive information on the topics mentioned in the heading of this notice. Our corre- spondents, whose names, for very obvious reasons, we are not permitted to make known, have already furnished us with the following most interesting and important one, coming from reliable sources, totally inac- cessible to the daily or weekly journals. The Weather.—London, Nov. 24. We have but just heard from a friend whose official age gives an incal- culable weight to any statement he may make, that it was, at the time of his communication, @ very cold day. able weather,” was not, as we strictly in accordance with fact. the commencement of last month that the days would one of the samples. A wet night is expected. There were great rejoicings at Mr. BisHor’s Observ- atory some little time ago, on account of the barometer being 2] in the shade last birthday. The_Parks.—The Gardens of Kensington are still litan Nursery Grounds. The late gales have been severely felt on the Serpen- tine, and several fine vessels would have been utterly lost in sight of their owners, who were standing anxiously on the shore, but for the laudable exertions of the Dogs belonging to the n foundered in crossing, but it being their admirable cus- tom never to carry any one on board, no lives have been lost; of course, those members of Lloyd’s who do the Serpentine Ship Insurance business will be heavy sufferers. On es last a trim rakish-looking cutter was eigen | capsized by an irritated swan. This will, as usual, lead to complicated legal proceedings. Freedom of Southwark Bridge. Morro ror Finspury.— Cor et preeterea nihil.” PUNCH’S SCIENTIFIC REGISTER. Ar the re-iterated desire of the Scientific World, a desire signified we must say, in letters of extreme illegibility (yet Newron wrote, and Farapay writes, beautifully) Mr. Punch consented to devote a portion of his invaluable space to a record of the proceedings of the various societies which meet to bewilder themselves with wisdom. The expense of preparing this register is awful, but when did a gentleman trouble his head about such a trumpery detail as the price of anything he wanted. He edits the recuued himself, so that the slightest in- accuracy would be impossible if anything were impossible to Mr. Punch, Henceforth, scientific society will look to Mr. Punch’s pages alone for the latest and best information on science, as all the rest of creation does for everything else. _ Geological Society, Dec. 1—The Prestpsnt in the Chair. An interesting paper was read by Mr. Forpiesquaw upon Corals. He stated that in passing down Cocks pur Street, in London, he came upon a large number of interesting miocene corals, in various beautiful forms, and that they were deposited behind a transparent medium resembling plate glass. Haveg fractured this with several blows of his heavy stick, he proceeded to collect some specimens of coral. He was | somewhat impeded by the aborigines of the place, who remonstrated energetically, and invoked the aid of one of their deities, whom they appealed to as “ Bossy,” but after some negotiation, and making a present of some coins, he was permitted to remove some types of the productions, which were embedded in several strata of a soft sub- stance, not unlike velvet. He described them, but had been unable to bring them to the meeting in consequence of the magnetic attraction which they possess, and which rendered it impossible to detach them from the persons of some feminine members of his |household to whom he had unguardedly entrustedthem. A vote of thanks Mr. Forpiesquaw, and he was requested to bring the ladies them- selves to the next meeting, if the corals could not otherwise be obtained. LozscoussE then produced some other specimens of coral which he had discovered in a species of fish, known in commerce as the lobster, and an interesting discussion ensued. Their lithological character was disputed, and they were eaten by the President, who stated that though he did not agree with the discoverer, he hoped that the coral would agree with himself. Archeological Institute.—The Vice-Presmpent in the Chair. Mr. Buecieton exhibited an autograph letter from Tubal Cain, written in cuneiform Semitic, and desiring a person to come and tune his organ. Mr. Numes exhibited the original MSS. of Homen’s Ziad, with marginal notes by ALEXANDER THE GREAT, as also the casket in which the latter is recorded to have kept the work. Mr. Grunpy exhibited an ancient heir-loom, which had evidently been used for weaving hair. Mr. M‘Ossray exhibited the harp that once through Tara’s halls the soul of music shed. Mr. Jones exhibited a valuable picture by Van Eyck in his eleventh manner, and on the Meeting insisting on scratching the painting off to see what was under it, Mr. Jongs also exhibited a great deal of temper. The Vice-President remarked that the picture was ——y in tempera. Mr. Brown exhibited the dagger with which uLIus C@saR was assassinated by Cassius. It was of British manufacture, and had probably been given by Csak to his friend as “a Trifle from Britain.” The inscription was partly illegible, but the letters Newfoundland Breed. Smaller craft | Tue Last Freepom ConFERRED BY THE City.—The was given to | The statement made, in an off-hand manner, by Mr. | Connex, at Rochdale, to the effect that “it was season- | have since ascertained, | It is whispered that a certain noble Lord observed at | now begin to draw in. Be this as it may, it is unde- | niable that the days have been drawing in considerably | ever since. The Barometer.—The Astronomer Royal has, we hear, | lately ordered in two dozen barometers, “to try.” | Yesterday morning, before leaving his house, he tapped | | used, even during the winter months, as the Metropo- | a ante a it a om ae ae ae oo so al te et bed Oe es ee et “ee am, Ge td Oe es CS tt oe Oe Ce oe — 8 melee et ot ae ot Ot Ot Oo LL a. a. ao. a, ee | _ a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 233 M.TTH.WS.SH.FF.LD could betraced. The steel was very fine, showing the advance of the English in manufactures, even at that early date. Mn. Rostnsow exhibited the Key of the Iron Gate on the Danube. It was brought over by Kossuru after the Hungarian revolution. Mr. Wosstzs had nothing to exhibit, but told a very long and interesting story of a dream which he had had, and in which it was revealed to him that if the Tower of London were removed, and the foundations dug up, some odd things would be found. The meeting, having exhibited con- tempt for Mr. Ropryson, adjourned. Zoological Society —Prorrssor Porrvs inthe Chair. Mr. Srrate- LACE read a Paper on the exceedingly vulgar language used by some of the cockatoos in the Society’s ens, and upon the probable origin of it. Mr Br who had just returned from Abyssinia, gave an i i and stated that the natives when ing lep manteaux. He also informed the meeting that he had en gop en knocked down by the wild animals he had met, on which the Chairman observed that the fauna was a floorer. Ericurus Rotuynvs exhibited three plover’s eggs which he had obtained at TucKEnr’s, and ate them, in order to test the wholesomeness. of the article. He remained perfectly well me to the adjournment of the meeting. Proresson PutunKey exhibited an ex- ingly fine toad, which he had captured ina pond at Hampstead, and which he stated to be edible. The meeting resolved unanimously that the Professor himself was entitled to the honour of t , and he was instructed to attend at the next meeting and report results. Mr. Cranky exhibited the scull of a boat, and was proceeding to describe the difference between it and the scull of a man, when he was shoved out of the room. Ng gg mn concluded with the reading of an interesting Paper by Mr. StansFetp, on the question of the a between Mr. Cox, M.P. for Finsbury, and the ordinary donkey wit his foot in a plug-hole. | Geographical Society—The Presmeyr in the Chair. A deeply | interesting and valuable letter was read from Mr. Woon GaTHERER, a corresponding member in foreign parts, who stated that he did not exactly know where he was at present, but that when he found out he ' would let the Society know. Thanks and the Gold Medal were voted | to him, and the letter was ordered to be entered in the Minutes. . | Barrin exhibited a beautifal map, by himself, of the interior of Pomerania and its watersheds, and a lively nm ensued on his stating, first, that Pomerania was in Africa, secondly. that he had never been there. Mr. Murxartor produced a chart of the world on his little boy’s projection, the infant having thrown it out of window. Mr. Hornsey Woop read a paper giving an account of a river which had just been discovered at Islington, partly subterraneous,’and abounding in catfish, or in fish very like dead cats, and it was resolved that this should be named the New River. The President stated that most gratifying news had been received from Prorgssor Brick, who had been sent out by the Society to discover the true source of the Nile. He was in perfect health, and had got as far as Gravesend, where he had been sojourning for some weeks, and had been received with much hospitality at the Falcon. A letter was read from Proresson MeanpeR, who stated that he had discovered a new and stupendous range of mountains in the Isle of Wight, but he declined to say where unless he received some more money. They were volcanic, and were all smoking, and he had therefore named them the Kitchen Range. Photographic Society.—The Lord Chief Baron in the Chair. A Paper was read on the Best. Mode of Keeping Babies Still for the pina oy Sitting, and a debate ensued. Some unmarried members thought the best way was to frighten them by an awful shout at the moment of exposure, but the married members objected that maternal resistance to this course would probably be offered. Moreover, an ugly face was produced by terror. Chloroform was also suggested, and it was resolved that experiments should be tried with it. A member said that if the mothers would only stay away, there would be no vf as all babies were exactly alike, and a single type could be reprodu from an old picture. Thousands of photographs of the last Royal baby were sold which had never been taken from that princely infant. Mr. Syupper read a Paper on the Negative, as employed in answer to touts. Mr. Poser explained his process for photographing ladies who had large ugly hands. He tied their arms behind them, and placed beautifully modelled wax arms under the shawl or mantilla, with the hands exposed. This he considered legitimate idealisation. It was stated that Mr. Giapsrong, in his next Budget, intends to impose a penny stamp upon every photograph sold, which will bring many thousands to the revenue without in ~~ any person. Mr. Nocunar exhibited a fine pho’ of the Milky Way after a storm, so ow faithful that the rain-drops could be seen mixing with the Astronomical Society.—The Vice-Prestent in the Chair. memorial was presented by the officials at the Admiralty, praying that tellation called the Great Bear A should have its name changed to cons’ the First Lord. Mr. De Transit read his “Observations upon the last Solar Eclipse,” which he had been unable to see, owing to its being invisible in England. He conjectured that if he had been in some other portion of the world, he might have seen it. Mr. Peter WILKINS a bold and interesting Paper, in which he contended that the Moon was square—a truth which had been known to SHaksPeaRe, one of whose witches spoke of “the corner of the moon.” Considerable debate fol- lowed, in the course of which a Member stated that the: original disco- verer of the moon was a tinmam.mamed Ricnarp, whence the classic authors called that planet Dictynna, Mr, Peerer read a r on the question, “Are the Tails of Comets Inhabited?” and read one on the question, whether a chronometer will go if taken in. the ket through a crowd? He was authorised to try the i at is own expense. Forty-seven Members then announced that they bad all discovered comets, which it was resolved should be named after the members of the Court of Aldermen, as far as they would go, and the rest after the members of the Metropolitan Board of Works. _ hi Lhe’ wind su which the ‘ sifeded him in the panon ¥ and spoliation of Denmark. See, in the subjoined ex- ge . the Post, wi e Prussians: are by their devoted their Sovereign :— “Tae Press in Prussta.—The prosecutions the Press in Prussia are conducted with & to lished, which was considered to be Sovereign with whom Prussia is on terms of : When our Brother of Berlin comes out of the dungeon into which he has been cast for exceeding the ample liberties which the ious Wrttt1ay, by the advice of the liberal Bismarck, has conceded to the Prussian Press, he will take care how he again offends his Royal Master by writing anything that can possibly be considered calumnia- tory of any Sovereign with whom Prussia is on terms of amity. For instance, should he venture to review Captain Burron’s lately pub- lished work, 4 Mission to Gelele, King of Dahome, he will doubtless studiously refrain from any yy remarks on the Grand Customs of the dark potentate to whom it relates, or on the exploits of his dusky Maugsty’s army of Amazons; the rather that any unfavourable com- ment on those achievements might fairly be considered as implyin still severer censure of the gallant deeds of the heroes who talamphed at Dybb6l and Sénderborg, and were quartered upon Jutland. Know- ing, indeed, what it is to censure a Prince with whom Prussia is on friendly terms, surely the Editor of the K/adderadatsch will be careful not to say anything uncivil of the very Prince of Darkness. A MAN OF PEACE IN THE MEDITERRANEAN. In sending to the Mediterranean, as flag-ship of the Admiral in com- mand, the Victoria, three-decker, carrying 121 guns, 1,100 men, and engines of 1,000 horse-power, but being a wooden vessel, which a little ironclad could destroy in a brace of shakes, the Admiralty has sorely puzzled all those persons who imagine that she is sent there to fight, if necessary. She is sent there as a hostage, or security, that the Medi- terranean fleet will observe a policy of strict non-intervention ; and the Admiral’s flag which she carries is of the nature of a flag of truce. The Admiral on board of that flag-ship will, in\fact, be Admiral of the White. Oh! Oh! Scune—Smoking Room of Club. Banter somebody with a Riddle. Somebody. What description of soldier would be most unwelcome to Miss Bateman ? Poerybody. Give it up. Well? Somebody. Why, a Fusilier of course. Don’t you take, a Few-see- Leah. [Hast Somenovy quickly. A Recunar Maxe-snier.—The Sewing Machine.

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HALT! HALT! HALT! Tux VOLUNTEERS ARE THE MOST TRACTABLE TROOPS IN THE WORLD, PROVIDING Miss RosERINGTON, OR any OTHER LaDY, DOES MENU OF THE FUTURE. A Possible Result of the Efforts of the Acclimatisation Society. SOUPS. Boa Constrictor. | Frog. FISH. — Boiled Sea-Devil. | Horse. Rhinoceros. Fried Jewfish. Filletted Trumpeters. Crimped._ Kraken. Broiled Barracouta. Pi Polypus. > ENTREES. é Scorpion and Dead Sea Apple Sauce. American Oysters and Treacle. . Chinese Birds’ Nests. Surinam Toads and Guava Jelly. JOINTS. Saddle of Tapir. Roast Leg of Giraffe. Cat and minced Kittens. Ostrich’s and-Horned Owl’s Eggs. Coral Insects and: Melted Amber. Potted Bear. Dodo’s Liver. Bread Fruit. Upas Onions. Pickled Scales of Sea-Serpent. Gorilla’s Ears in Sherbet. White Beer. Nectar. Palm Wine. N.B. Cannibal Gentlemen and Ladies will be attended to at the Side-board. MORE MYSTERIES. Everysopy knows what a puzzle Bradshaw is, and. this advertise- ment, from Bradshaw, is almost as perplexing as the work itself :— ——— COFFEE HOUSE, —— will be found on trial one of the best in the Metropolis for accommodation, price, and central situation. Beds in separate rooms for one person, is 1s. 6d: each ; double-bedded ditto less, which are particularly healthy, the establishment having been a gentleman's mansion. Refreshments unusually low, a list of which is,exhibited in the Coffee Room. An attendant up all night. Held by the same proprietor 17 years.” Beds for one person in separate rooms! How on earth can any one person ever be in separate rooms when he wants to go to bed? and how many separate rooms and beds is he, or she, req to occupy ? Then, pray what are the “double-bedded ditto?”” Are they rooms or persons that are “particularly healthy?” and what proof is there that } they are so in the fact that the establishment was once upon a time the mansion of a gentleman? Moreover, we should fancy the “ proprietor” must be getting rather tired, if it be true that he has “ held an attendant up all night” for seventeen years, as the wording of the notice would lead one to imagine. Lines to be Lugged into the next Burlesque. “ Tue barber’s beery: place him in the arbour, You see he’s really now an Aley Barber / Aley! alas, the word quite makes me pale, Beer’s at a discount under Lonp Mayor ’AtE!” A Fast Perrormance.—One Herr-Totumacn, a clever conjuror @ la Davenport, is the greatest traveller of the present day. He exceeds in speed the Persia, or any of the fastest Cunard boats, for he can go at the rate of from sixty toa hundred Avofs an hour. Rauiway LirenaturE.—The Reading Station.—The' crowds- outside Mr. Punch’s shop window in Fleet Street. William Bradbury, of No. 13, U Wooeu n 4, BH tS RR, City of London. Printers, at their Office in Low Street, in the Presinct of of Loneen. —Satuapar, December 3, 1864. of Middlesex, and Frederick Mallett of No. 11, Bouverie ct Louden, sod Published by them at We. 06 Wlect Severs te the

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Decemper 10, 1864.] CHARIVARI. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON A DAY AFTER THE SHOW. Farmer. “ Takt vs TO THE CaTTLE Snow.” Cabby (who does not care about the Job). ‘It’s NO USE OF ME A TAKING YOU; THE Last Day TO RECEIVE was Saturpay.” [Of course the Farmer will have nothing to do with such a Blackguard. NO RELIEF ON SUNDAY! Tue North British Railway Company has heathy: Richton’ Sir James Gar- piveR Barrp, the Rev. Sm Henry Moncrierr, Rev. Mr. Manson, of Perth, Rev. Mr. Granam, of Newhaven, Rev. Dr. Macrartang, of Dalkeith, and a multitude of Scotch Sabbatarians to whom those pastors minister thistles. They resolved that they, “considering the Divine law of the Sabbath to be one of the essential supports to vital and practical Christianity, feel it incumbent on them to make every exertion for the maintenance of that law as it has hitherto been understood by the Scottish people.” Accordingly, if an ox, or if one of themselves —_ S fall into a pit on a Sunday, they would doubtless forbid anybody to pull m out. Of course, these Scottish Sabbatarians will have been much edified by the fol- lowing statement of “A Medical Officer” in the Zimes, who, after detailing some facts illustrative of the parochial treatment of the poor in “a large London Union,” says :— “ T also came across last Sunday a most dreadful case of malignant fever, requiring wine, which I directed the to fetch from the relieving officer. The reply was, he was not at home, and if he had been, would be given on Sunday.” A poor creature is is Se want of a drop of wine, but could not have it in any case, because even if the relieving officer were at home, “nothing would given on Sunday.” Is there any difference between sinking from malignant fever and tumbling into a pit? Some, perhaps, in the opinion of the people who thought it wicked to heal on the Sabbath Day. None, of course, in that of those who understand the Divine law of the Sabbath “as it has hitherto been understood,” if they are to be credited, “by the Scottish people.” It seems that the dians of “a London Union” understand it in the same sense. Pioussouls! May none of ever feel the want of a drop of wine or a drop of—water ! A New Freicut.— The Parcels Delivery Company had recently a novelty entrusted to their charge—a Lady wrapt up in her Baby. Tae Name or THE PuBLIsHER or Mr. Bantrine’s Portrait.—M‘LEAN. be | wnmannerly arrogant THE SONG OF THE DRAINS. Dear! I thought the Thames business was over, Do you mean there ’s a question remains ? They ’ve one sewer, and they ’ll soon have another, And don’t know what to do with the drains ! bes lor! says an M.P., what stuff! ou’ve forgotten those fast special trains, And the lunch both for blue and for buff That they gave us down there in the drains. May be so, says an snfeeky liver Down at Erith,—yet he complains You have poisoned us all on the river, By the mess you have made with the drains. Then the waste! Oh, the scandal and shame ! ries a farmer intent on his gains Why I’d make both my fortune and fame With the stuff that you waste in the drains. So Lorp Rosekrt he took up the case, Though quite at the end of his brains, And he tried to put on a good face About all they had done with the drains. And his Lordship at once called a meeting With many long-winded refrains, And after much drinking and eating, 5 Asked, what’s to be done with the drains ? 7 a noise ae e scarcely a 0 Ss, For mudlar contractors and those Who all of them wanted the drains. And the people of Edinburgh city Cnied ose l our trouble and pains : Tis a shame and a terrible pity You don’t do as we do with the drains. The contractors of , look ; Why we ’re te ak of rains. Let them dry up the river and brook, We just water our land with the drains. There ’s Napier and Hore are so leary, They'll make of thase quichensds a6 dre ey” e of those quic so dreary A Paradise all from the drains. Then there ’s High and Hampstead as well, Where the os lands cul terainn Say, we don’t care a fig for the smell, But we want the contents of the drains. Then they write to the Times every day, Squabbling over their filthy old mains ! Oh, good gracious! do settle’t some way, For we ’re all of us sick of the drains. And by Neptune we swear that whoever _ Cleans the water from Sheerness to Staines, And sweetens our jolly old river, ; We’ll make him the King of the Drains. A COVERED INSULT.’ Wuen the Emperor or Austria addressed the Reichs- rath, he delivered his speech sitting, and with his hat on. ake care, Francis JosgrH! Indulge in many more such and the day may come when ou_may be left without as much as a covering to your head, or perhaps even a head to cover. Perhaps it is better, however, to take a charitable view of the matter, and to suppose that there is a motive that offers some iating excuse for this bit of aristocratic impertinence. that the Emperor purposely wore his hat, to avoid showing his extreme baldness as a reigning Sove- reign ; or probably it was done for the purpose of hiding the crack that there has notoriously been for some time past in his Crown. t may Mrxisters oF THE INTERIOR—WITH A SeEAT IN THE Casinet.—The Davenport Brothers, VOL, XLVII. BB

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemsrr 10, 1864.

< = ff — < oS, a War, \/ ‘ Se fh < t ~_ pa SSS eae sentence of two years’ impriso ¢ and hard maaber, Som, Henery ‘ DERSON, i he crime hg on. e blackguards present were no aT, Mr. SkuNK Mr. Foumanrr, Dx. Curts, Mr. Larocuz, DE LA RvsE AND Co., and others w names are notorious. The chair was taken by Ma. Sroar, who said he was sure that all ee lathnee f in bonds, their brother _— would sym: ENERY and their brother = * case might be their own if not to-morrow, anyhow at the next sitting of the Central Criminal Court, or the spcaching Assizes. The worthy asa by using strong | an h relation to the Judge and the Jury by whom the prisoners in vention had been tried, applymg to them each and all a term and an epithet too habitually employed in controversy by the lower orders. Mr. Foumarr said the exposure which ded attended the trial of Hewnery and ANDERSON was a very bad job. It had aroused the attention of the most powertal, part of the Press, which was now es power ina manner calculated to crush them, iif any power | on eart . But he a confidence in certain news proprietors’ love of gain, .—— cusieds would, in spite of _ anything their Editors might say; secure persistence in allowing to be inserted in their columns those Fre Enver which writers imspired with virtuous indi m called obscene (a4 /awgh), and infamous (renewed laughter), but which were the necessities of their position, of | their very existence as longer advertise, it woul | advertisements were (laughter) there an oe plenty no cautions or warnings, wo advertisers. He was oy t to the papers that had hi be all up me them. But so long as their in papers of respectability | 5 ot no al whom no disclosures, and deter or restrain from consulting the Boa fypts geletnets geet eg said, mt continued to publish those peaeraments that served at them Tor | for the same purpose as limed twigs id the bird.catchers. (Cheers.) A Larogus, matriculated pipes of the University of Perth! was afraid that the so-called res t of Press would p from bad to worse. The mentioned names. The same course might be taken by a leading newspaper. One or two of the ipal papers might unite not only in denouncing advertisers by name, ut also in calling public attention to the papers which continued to insert their advertisements, panting the advertisements out, and stig- matising the papers in which thi ey ap ppeared, as unfit to lie on breakfast or drawing-room tables. _ That woul ~on to smash them all. Dr. pe 1a Ruse said that must be looked to. However, if the papers were closed to their advertisements they might still fall back on posters and handbills. As yet, happily, there was no law which ren- was, and noi a to se ly y to Ni, I all ww (Hear, hear!) If they could no Thei

ffs which so vexed the House of Correction. mea ad Anon dered the authors and distributors of the ear (laughter) liable.to hard labour jn 7 a with all that had fallen tin to by “ee e Jury that had sent poor AnD son to gakum the treadmill. Bnt there olkee Ju other Junias, fate, ts Parliament, there was. the Law of Lib strong enough, he hoped, to enable ‘them to seb the ing His SKUNK’S) name might be a by-word of os wad he exulted at the ~ aA Taidenlly the might be, a ual e language pu erin oy e re bras oF og ep hy alee 5 Htc ; and ve resolve to Mea er) Soot who tha the into a ual on y, objec any one of its Members w might in am of tha panens, or other parts pontionn, to bring t in wi! were was mee ncvei tha m medi- ried sce the Meeting dis- tl ny that one

MR. JOHN THOMAS AT THE CATTLE-SHOW. | Dear CHAWLEs i ope. 5ou in ealth which it leave meat ink, aks reelly most unplesink ; a E ‘ and a rauning in. o¢ n complaining. i is i ering amussy " : ioe poarves from Hom damp fest our eels, M vt why its full pron we so in your last as you were hanxious for your r, er felt alarmed to find re 3 waste were getting bigger, | ad do you any good, You menshinge Which you reethe: Hend you asked:if Mr. Bantincx wou bd napa I may make hanswer that I dessay as E w yo J mind, you’ll hev to give up beer & stwine-& shunt pain, And content yourself with claret, whieh when. good I dont complain. Hend yeas yond - otatoes nor .* — in Sra Or a puff MBERT in a fe Umer ® And you my eat a and butter, but pos hard dry ‘toast, Which if you perseweres you ’ll get as thin as any post. But talking of Obeastity, i’ve been to see the Beasts As are phatted up for christmas time & all its Sie Pheasts. Our guvnor’s a I breeder now, but this is onéer noo, So E & i went in of course to see the private voo. The show’s not eld in baker street as amet Nex door to madam Toossoo’s—which I ear Fer tat Mer there— But they’ve moved it to the Haggriculehitoorallooral For the hanimals they growed so big the old shop — too small. Dear chawles I walked round hurly there vit all the other judzes, And we tested of the beasts with knowing pin pin ches, pokes, ges : Hend we poked our phingers in the pigs, which a, gave a grunt, As if to say “ we wunt get up—-we Wunt—we Wunt—we Wunt!” So plump their phaces were they couldn’t C out of their Ps, For the bridges of their yaw y) they was each a Bridge of Size; eir tails would hardly curl for phat, and reelly you’d have said Em prize pigs looked as heavy as if they'd been pigs < of lead. can’t say if twas impidence that made ’em — sehcantah, em sertingly they showed a most uncommon deal of Chee The sheep were very Andsome too and had a lot of fleece, Hend looked so Fat you’d say they’d all been bread and. born in Greece, But tho they’d such a look of Greece, at this pei you'll smile, I the guynor say as all weer natives of our Ile. Pore things! they seemed so short of breath, a gaspi meend a panting, roceed | I thought how much they’d benefit by tryink Mr. But pigs and sheep were pigmies quite compared to vy ‘Prize Oxes, Which they ad been brort to their Stalls by rail in Private Boxes. Short Orns were there, and Long Orns too, a. ag and devons red, Hend moddles all for simmertry and eliganee of ed of Big beasts there came from Erriford and littler ones from whales, I smacked my lips and thought of Soup while vowing of their tales ! Ho, Chawles! I got a happy tite exceedink common bounds To see them there prospective stakes, and future ribs and rounds ! And then to C them Cows so plump, their coats without a seam, Hi reelly thort with so much Bhat their milk would all be Cream.

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Ducemsur 10, 1864.) PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARTVART: 237 If ever I gets skinny, which men must do if they starves, Td like to meet Guth wath 6 cow to fatten up my Carves! rae gee Harpe isla a promised us to taste of his Prize Beast : back is like @ table, its so even and so flat, Phy !'a score might well do that. roots this year, because of all the drout, tmas we shood ave to go without, d on with me at the Culchilooral Hall, commings then there wern °t no fear a Tall; 80 plump and F amp in spite of their distress, ir shadders mite grow less. meat, which butchers say its Prime, eae "with hus at Christmas time, which roast beef takes it from us, believe me yours Joun Tuomas. SW a a SS ee (By Ultramarine Telegraph.) WELL, we've done it, tatlemtn. Bully for us. Cowhided the Copperheads consi derable. Von nobis, of course, but still I reckon we have had a hand in the Elo some. That reminds me of the Old world story about the Hand ce , which I take to have been the limb of | a gentleman who been justified on the gallows, and which the witches turned into a patent moderator lamp, as would lead a a safe into any domicile which he might wis "to plunder. We ain’t burglars, quite t’other, but I fancy that if ULy Grant could get hold of that kind and description of to _ him into Richmond, he’d not be so un-Christian proud as to the hand ofa malefactor. (Right, ad 2.¥ Well, sovialios vorle rage’ that’s no cy erage (Laughier ow hi republe forfour yours next cei noe gt oy : s Srenb ead eed hereof, as I used to say Se dere ew fae ~ !) Yes, nee but ou must fight for me, you please, and whether ou i you — we oon ne, the old joke ap there ’s no com must. Must is for the King, they sa: in the rotten O ell, I’m King, and you shall be Vieeroys over me. But I tell you again, and in fact I repeat it, that there ’s man’s work to do to beat these rebels. They may run away, no doubt. Trishman but they ’re darned onlikely birds to pate men, and I must trouble you Rebellion is a wicked thing, icked thing, the mere nomenclating thereof hair san on end, if it could be more lonender awful, that is when it is performed a like that of the White House, ferocious, cruel, ios Gecese tHe Tarp. We must punish and to teach them oe ene of — phar ndraont nion. (We will, we will een tlemen, but talking won’t take Richmond. ‘7 it and been six Richmonds in the field, we should long since ‘have took them all. If Richmond would fall like Jericho, by every man blowing of his own we ’ve brass enough in our band for that little feat in acoustics. when a cow sticks, as Grant does, in the (Great laughter.) Incontestably, gentlemen, this 1 ep must are herashove on. Shove for Richmond, = x thing. taakine —_ — — blacks, you pect me to say some touc em, though I suppose we ’re none of us hod es of to them, for reasons in that case made aah Sos Well, listen. We.’ve got them on our india and it reminds me of a nigger story. Two of feese bincks tak one had a fine new hat. “ Where you got dat j He Fie aoe 44 Hot ‘}fitust learn hat,* Sampo?” says t’other. “Out ob a shop, nigger, **8pex 80,” says t’other, “and what might be bo owes ott hat hat * Can’t say, pani — the do pes didn’t happen to be on the premises.’ Well we've t the niggers, and I can’t exactly say—or at Ary { "tat t youd ike to to hear—what might be the price of those articles. But we mi ust utilise our hats, gentlemen. We must make them dig and fight, that ’s a fact. There’s no shame in oh ag fon has braved for eighty-nine years “et a-half, be little more or less, the battle and the Seek. (Cheers.) Yes, the rebellion’s put down, we ey *s to be done with them. when if the naughty boys down South get uncommon contrite hearts, we may make them a little present of the blacks, not as slaves, of a aise with watlofinad salarice detgeminsble a - ean! a won that t ia tho Way of monikeanea They give dn at he ger we can call it a for freedom. A man his house'an island if he likes, as has been said by one of those British writers who abuse our by not yey with England!) Well, all in oulinene, Let o' ee deals learn their business first. I don’t The sot them, mind you, that they haven’t leafed it yet, for Chen & man has kept whiskey-store, ora bar, oystet-eellar, or an old-clothes’ shop Bene sd can’t be ex- spected, merely because he slarborough 4 ‘or or a Wi Likewiss, reasonable so! Wiikey aston ce will a yy tons even a Mar y “¢ this intimation, oars of tanphter) When that’ sd d we are in be ‘more fig hting, her or Rica ae in Bosland, where the is a hear the a | r of the fo) who had “ He wur so ” said the farmer, “ o Me ae tee effect did eal yo I to he frie ; has greenbacks, except to the amount they may be monte in enredeemed. But the poker wants a of ering, ou’ll hear more about this ~~ e man said when he kicked his uncle down-stairs. ieve that’s about all I had to say, and this almighty TE sp will be conserved to shine a the countless ages an ineffable beacon and symbol of blessed an rj we = and glory if you will only mind the proverb of Sancho} Panza, which says, “Pray to God devoutly, and _— on stoutly.” (Laughter, cheers, and cries of “ Bully for you ! ed the t saline our the market nevertheless, and yas must pay up. a friend of mine in the dius uncle dow I only sive 7 you —— hin “HARK! HARK! .THE LARK!” A COVENT GARDEN SERENADE, FOR THE CATTLE SHOW WEEK, AFTER SHAKSPEARE— (Respectfully dedicated by Mz. Punce to his friend, Patrick GREEN, Esq.) Harx! hark! the lark at Evans’ gate sings, And Gents rush for supplies Of gin-and-water, and those springs In Barczay’s butts that rise. And winking waiters now To ope their owlish eyes— With glees to sing that pretty bin, My Pappy Gresy, arise! My Pappy GREEN, arise ! Arise ! As it Should be. WE could not but feel pleased the other day to see the following :— ** RoyaL Dramatic CoLLecE.—W. H. 0. Narrow, Esq., of Kensington, has given fifty guineas to this College, in aid of the funds.” The College is quite worthy of national support, and we advise the nation generally to follow the example of its namesake. NOLO ARCHIEPISCOPARI, “Lorp Dersy has succeéded brilliantly with Greek,” said a noble- man to the BisHor or Oxrorp, “ I wonder whether he could translate Hebrew.” “ I dare say he ba replied the witty hierarch. “I wish he were in a position to begin with a translation of Samus.”

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemser 10, 1864. AN ie Et |_ ty THE SNUB -CONNUBIAL. ing Wife. “ CHARLES, DEAR, I WISH YOU WOULD PUT DOWN THAT HORRID Novet anD Tack TO ME; I FEEL so DuLL; aypD—— ” on, CHaRLEs! my Foor’s Charles. “‘Huso——sH! MY DEAR, YOU MIGHT WakE IT!” “APE OR ANGEL?” “‘ What is the highest nature? Man is the highest nature, and when I compare the interpretation of that highest nature by the most advanced, the most fashion- able, and modest school of modern science with some later , with which we are all familiar, I.am not:prepared to say that the latter is the more scientific. What is the question? It is now placed ore Society with, I might say, a glib assurance which to me is —the question is, is man an ape or an angel? (A laugh.) Now, I am on the side of the angels. (Cheers.)"—Mr. Disranwi’s Ozford Speech, Friday, November 25. “On the side of the angels,” cf Dizzy ?—ah, then How happy the angels should be, The ally whom they least could have looked for of men In their army enlisted to see ! The Angelical Doctor ’s eclipsed in the blaze Of a new Arch-Angelical Dizzy— Now that brain big with schemes, and that tongue glib of phrase, On their mission angelic are busy. Lifting ’gainst the Broad Church a contemptuous heel, At Reviewers and Essayists pointing The dagger scarce drawn since you fleshed it on Pzzt, Wit’s edge with Hate’s poison anointing. Poet, novelist, journalist, hustings-cry maker, Copt of Grand-Caucasian mystery—- Aquetnes. Chancellor of the Exchequer, ow author, now actor, of history— Yet scarce the best mimes can from Nature escape And what ’s Simious to Saintly brooks change ill : Have a care lest thou then shouldst be most of the Ape, When most bent on enacting the Angel. Norges anp QueRizs.—American greenbacks and Austrian bank-notes. A FAIR CHALLENGE. We admit that the Davenport gang have at last offered a fair trial of their preternatural powers. They have printed a book, in which they state that having been arrested at Oswego as unlicensed jugglers, they were sent to fora month. Here, episodically, but respectfully, we drink the health of the magistrates of Oswego. Committed for a month, the jugglers remained in gaol for twenty-nine days, when, in the evening of the twenty-ninth, angels came to them, and one spoke thus to the showman :— , *** Rand, you are to go out of this place this night. Put on your coat and hat—be ready.’ Immediately the door was thrown open and the voice again spake and said, ‘ Now walk quickly out and on to the attic window yonder, and let thyself down by a rope, and flee from this place. We will take care of the boys. There are many angels present, though but one speaks.’ The angelic command was strictly obeyed.” This has been sworn, and a Justice of Peace attests the oath, They publish the statement as a challenge to unbelievers. Now, as there can be no doubt that whatever the angels attendant upon these jugglers may think of them, the law of England regards them as persons who obtain money under false pretences, the crucial test may be applied with perfect fairness. Let somebody summon them before the police- magistrate in whose district they perform, and let that gentleman commit them to prison. If an angel delivers them five minutes before the time at which their sentence expires, the miracle will be so splendid that their fortunes will be made for ever. If no angel come, why * Despair their charm, And let the angel whom they still have served Tell them they ’re lucky to escape the doom— * Severely whipped.’ ” To Bookworms. Macpaten College, Cambridge, possesses a Pepysian Library. Would it be correct to call a collection of books, belonging to a doctor whose specialty was indigestion, a Dyspepsian library ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Decemser 10, 1864. | iy | (i me Wo l= 2 (A 72 DRESSING FOR AN OXFORD BAL MASQUE. “THE QUESTION IS, IS MAN AN APE OR AN ANGEL? (4 Laugh.) NOW, I AM ON THE SIDE OF THE ANGELS. (Cheers.)”—Mr. Disrazui’s Ozford Speech, Friday, November 25.

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oe 4 : ’ : _Drominan 1, 1864) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 241 in WONDERS OF MODERN TRAVEL. Ls“ any THE JOURNEY—(Conrmwuzp). — aften EES carriages in a better way. ‘onder Com don’t provi br ¥ Fenty co they wonder at wiggle-waggle about so. . i tho cab. es, is behind us. _ , Wonder if I left the key of my in the lock. Searing ee ae 5 enmeaiope- onder deuce ine as We are mo ) what it ee pat ies * b =o can’t Feces etal A iemanicsting . wi Wonder if this i ham or Upper Tringham. Worder how long we shall be before we get: te:@tonnhurst. Wonder if it ’s Tringha ; Wonder if we change . Bawa cg Wonder if any mderstands what the guard says. AN ANTI-GAS LEAGUE, CE ch a pa SEE eee ty Toe Slings sd i : ht line i AN Ii you pay Four ixpence as ek, pert oe te snag Al my gtrtped popes fo for » ha ticle hen Yahoos caw wo Shillings and D eed to be reminded—(ladies, do not, ia ane fort Het te te cadet ws a Bae ea = = ee how i grocers teat ; ve up sugar, eee ask. for because I’ve ber bow the | butter-men cheated us, we gave up butter, st om sat Tv aad (EEE ae ee eae a a. ded eas cadten we a tie mous —_ cs “TPs x Bs he rcp cia = Pag ib. bene. pe ys Generator, wax, the Yonia en ges well xpbe composite, f he useful lomg ax? eee Wonder, Hie tne ok ee hice 14 Woslin’'t hove boon better ul ii fo dla ie a one hes =e to ask for sherry. Ape and pictures, makes ones and if this. tea will ever be cool. is oar re ores. shall hay. the light in the if that’s our bell for starting. but vet this j ae e Magnesium, loveliest world, eee she *) Balm is ear. back to Sores Wonder, having ae -a-crown, if I could get off with- onder 't as Fang cbnon lines whether any train will come in Wonder which is don’ tye i ts Wonder (to pact enn they don't provide beter light (to grees Seeie) 8 Leon. poh » hot-water bottle for my feet onder gl samen the ties, me ‘crown for buns and and return to oot oan. eving aie it wo shall stent claentig, ak os emette uggage. THE CARRIAGE. bape a a are not more accidents vary kre vrai on om _ side. ce come r you’ve nt erhalten Wonder where pone A a gh Wonder, supposing ca whether the man will believe I bat 3 one. wy On this matter being settled satisfactorily, which isthe best — Tcame to put my ticket in my right-hand waisteoat| W t-room there. tio) whether Igoe my writing-case to the THE re Nmap era Wander if body thought ut of suiting say foe By wg = iy og. Sy ea tom ; change ot of ont niet my opposi' what “were sing through. “He wonders, oo. We both look out of ma Wonder if protracted shrill steam-whistle means danger 0 site wonders ifit does, ih we ; "tisn’t a station, fp gill ala { meantime we will have gas Let us have an Anti-Gas and good, or none et all. pose: the most uel tours next summer. stimulant saving: burning sense of wrong, ich should kindle every cvening — taper the 4 Punch \eads the way to light you to lig pay; Punch leads you on with waxen brand far flashing ‘in his dread ri hanes will relieve you from the yoke, he said, then a apd man’s head. To MAR steer lew up a ego Up my my chario’ pag eg under us, a ll i ont, aba To the British, PaNcH. GLOVER ». PERSIGNY. Dear SERJEANT, that trial abundantly What your own mud je sould et you That Frenchmen, so fond Aso sot to Le tang ty a i eee But a much deeper moral, in letters of gold Ts wnt, in the Chrontles tale of disasters : The public won’t buy what is sold ; And the worst pay of all is the pay of Two Masters. A Fitting Comparison. Ayorner Lady burnt to death last-week ! Considering the number of fatal accidents that have oceurred to oie cavers, & bb pala true to say that a lady is never so literally “dressed oe she is wearing Crinoline. Barrer Hatves, Beware. — =~ @areaah Setahanay ‘hows ‘naaier aes Wonder why they can’ can’t shut the carriage-doors without banging them. quartering their wives’ arms.

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242 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decempzr 10, 1864, gd’ FR FR A REVIEW AT CHATHAM. First Boy. “Brixc any 0° your ’osszs Down ?” Second Boy. “No, I ony comz Down TO Dress!” THE JUDGMENT OF THE JUGS. A POEM, RESPECTFULLY BUT GRATEFULLY INSORIBED TO MESSRS, JUSTICES CROMPTON, MELLOR, AND SHEE, FOR THEIR DECISION GIVEN 26TH NOVEMBER, 1864. Jolly old Judges, pb sat in @ row, Barristers bothered and bellowed below “ LoRDSHIPs, we ’re forced to appeal to og ermine as Magistrates menace the Briton’s free Pray, — a traveller comes to a sae as he a right to refreshment, or not ? Water, no doubt, he may drink like a hermit, if Wil ling—b ut few men on water can live. Humbly, my Lords, I submit the affirmative Is the coceie your Lordships should give.” Jolly old Judges, they sat in a row, Barristers bellowed and bothered below. “ Lordships, I trust that, this question unravelling, You to an opposite sentence will come : Why should men tipple because they are travelling ? If they want drink, let them get it at home. Sight of bright beer as it foams in a bubbley can orms a temptation few mortals can bear : Do what you can to discourage the Publican, He makes the Sinner, as Beaks are aware.’ Jolly old Judges, they sat in a row, Barristers: bellowed and bothered below. “‘ Brothers! A man when he’s purchased his ticket is , Fully invested with traveller’s rights We shall not dock them by judgment inikitous, Whether he enters a train, or hts. Bother all cant, be it cleric or laic “ Ditto, and how would you like it yourself?” * Ditto, and let’s have no trash Pharisaical.” * Beer to all j jugs, be they China or delf.” Jolly old Judges, they sat in a row, And gave this just judgment, we'd have you to know, Apvicz To Mepicat Men.—Never doctor your wine. You will find no one patient enough to bear it. THE BROTHERS MOSES. Iw one column of the Morning Post, of November 30, we find an | advertisement, of which this is part :— AVENPORT BROTHERS.—Farewell Séances prior to their de- Even , Badd on ae ite ina eae IxG AY, — | Sofa Stalls, 7s. 6d. ; Stalls, 5e.; Body of Another column of eo same paper with a letter headed “‘ The Davenrorts and the * signed “ Witt1am Howrrt,” and con- taining the subjoined Bical — “ For the rest I am delighted to see the rampant attitude which the Press has assumed. It is the most con sign of their inward and inescapeable belief. wi rage, They ooo and fol tat in a mere mocking key, they are frantic cnd to end of Europe roots deeper into the roots Guoper tate the sul of Sho Damen ‘eomastves the Well but, Mz. Howrrt, your friends the Pe and their showmen—your ds, too, apparently to do what you say they should do. They will not give the opponents e ae rope enough—to hind the Davenrorts in a satisfactory manner. They refuse to allow anybody to pinion them secundum artem, in i: to ‘style of Davenron 4 on € yy - a om to to let him 8 \~ AVENPORTS ive eir Parmer, replies the man of science with the characteris tic seurrility of the |r lovabeet charlatan, and wie aoe the challenge. Rope eno h, Mz. Howrrr? Yes, ce give jour opponents rope enough; they ge not had it ma me Y byes ts pares. and some of them ap ar have made t the oushemmtyads of ta privil a. Among these there is intes much reason to fear that your best friends will number the writer mm bogs arama sw in the same letter as that above quo’ ‘* Byron has said, ‘ A fellow feeling makes us wondrous kind.’ What is the fellow feeling between the Press and the pom onlin which makes it on all possible occasions exult in the clumsiest imitations the conjurors of the genuine manifestations of the M ! Makes them extol the ‘ Brummagem’ counterfeits at the expense of the true originals? The cause is the same which made the Egyptian savants applaud Jannes and JaMBREs, who ~ won Moses—JaNNEs and JaMBRes, the ANDERSONS and ToLEMAQuEs of the time. If Proresson Anperson and M. Tottemaqus are Janwes and JamBres, who is Mosgs? Is it Ina Davenrort or Wiitiam Daven- PORT? or, sup Tra to be Moszs, do you call his brother Wi111aM Aaron? Or is the whole concern—Davenrort Brotuers and Co., or DavENPOoRTS, Fercuson, Fay, and Patmer—a Joint-Stock Moszs ? A rare Moszs, with the “ structure” for an You are a man of knowledge, Mz. Howrrt, and you know, amongst other things, that there is an infirmity named “colour blindness.” person affected with this weakness can see all objects distinctly in every pate, except certain colours. You have been endowed with many right faculties, but your mind in one respect appears to be as dark as the deepest hole in the moon. Nature seems to have denied you the discernment of quacks—the sense that ite humbug in its demeanour -|and style. Here is the remainder of the Davenrorts’ advertisement, which appeared, together with your letter, in the Post :— “N.B. After each Public Sé¢ance there will be given a Dark Séance, for which only a very limited number of tickets will be sold at a half-guinea each. Dark Séance will commence at a quarter past nine o'clock. Tickets for the Dark Séance » or | the Stalls for the Public Séance, can be obtained meg. ended at the office of the Rooms, or in the evening at the doors. On Saturday at Three. Really, Mz. Howirt, a evidence of the “ success ” of Spiritualism is not the sort of thing to exasperate the Press by forcing thereon any belief in that ism. Public writers are only vexed to see an eminent brother-chip incapable of seeing through the transparent gammon of a and common puff, worded in the ding, phraseology of mounte- banks, whom he calls Moses ; thereby doing, unconsciously, no doubt, very gross injustice to E. Moszs and Appropriate Analogy. Tae Marquis pe Mrrapeav said, “ J’ai dpousd la Discorde, e¢ (in allusion to his son, the great orator) nous avons enfanté le Pillage.” Couldn’t America, at Rognney, moment, piteously say the same recisely the same wo ‘Our Union has been iscord, and our ape clispring Plunder.” Pa ee ye Se Se eee SPOOWOtM Este tw oO ms ome obmema

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Decemper 10, 1864.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 243 MR. PUNCH’S HANDY-BOOK OF THE STAGE. at on on time, and his indifference to the treatment of those who mi amusement ! But this is not the most in theatri- cal tyranny. The earlier rehearsals of a French piece are, in fact, readings the Company, who are a compelled to sit round a | table, and to read their parts while the ts allowed to suggest, Sole ke meaning “yo fyi to the ta l Oe anit “ on ctor ! ur astonishment! at this inversion of the natural relations of Performer and Author, be diminished when we remember that it is not so long since 4 : ft E S 8 E : : the i) forgotten their nationali far at rehearsals as for thei vata, CHAP. IL—RULES FOR THE ACTOR AT REHEARSAL. AVING mastered the rules for behaviour fon between laborious mediocrity and » genius. It would he too much to call many other regulations of an arbitrary almost be that a few Managers, and most Authors, found often hear praises—not loud, but deep—of the laborious care- folages’ : . They are invariably attended by the weight i the Fresoh theatre col «tdledons tee in its profits. He gives himself airs of authority, orders and t action functions of a Sige Manager With that petty attention to details, which belongs to ised and regulation-ridden French- man, the position of the Actors, their crossings, ey up and comings see him on our stage, and as Hazuirr used to say the Elder disting Kean got at the soul of SHaxKsPEaRE—by flashes of lightning! Of make course, if there be such Actors on the French stage, their genius is wickly smothered—Pegasus may soon be seen jogging contentedly pa in team. The result of all this deadening mechanical discipline i of course, a moot to our ¢ tame pechomnaace, whieh helio ss be dis- | ti i m life The Actors 5 ane move, mak sorneeie ‘like ordinary men and women. There is little or no effect—none of that broadly-marked distinction between Art and Nature, which is still, we | are happy to say, the rule in the English theatre. You hardly detect the rouge on the French Actor’s face, or the elocution in his voice. The Art, as well as the iration, has been washed out and killed, in the the reading of a play, they will go a long way to you for the proper | ; conduct to Yollow. at rebearsal. Re. hearsals are inevitable evils, which the tyranny of Managers and the absurd exigenge of Authors have combined to impose on the Actor, It should be your business to show, by your conduct under the infliction, that you feel this, and resent it, as a with proper self- pe want Eat yourmanner throug - out re hearsal be a silent protest against hich dnadeas the fire of in- tion, and tends to Tove the dstne an un-English usage. Like so d, in and out of the theatre, we said to owe this cruel inroa ae Actor’s — igh on It is odious strictness of rehearsals in governed country, that their pretensions to impose the repay here. In Paris, a period h ths is ofte t i eee mens in ” ech is a . is ’s notion of the value of ister to his are, happily, unknown in our theatres, in short, usurps most of the bye- ge up or sitting do the of | ,. coming into a ony lifting ae pahint ; down a hat, pa elaborately planned and eaaiied, over and over again, till they are gone —— i as a soldier’s drill. The programme tediously traced must be slavishly followed by the unfortunate Actor. W | him if he yield to a flash of yop woe if he be a creature of genius, scorning the beaten track, and oe to ting at his effects—as we so —we may still have a few—who have as to go to France for their practice and—in recent times at least—their Actors and Actresses. Let us hope that the first practice will be no more encouraging in its results than the last. Happily, the free English nature instinctively revolts against restraint; and the English Actor is eminently a creature of impulse. He knows that Licence is the life-breath of Genius, and in the occasional absence of genius, will go far to supply its place. You will, therefore, never forget that rehearsal is an unwarrantable inroad on the domain of inspiration, and you will do your best to restrain and resist it. Be even more careful to mark this by unpunc- tuality at rehearsal than at reading. The latter can hardly be avoided : a bs og prem Ns viene possible. ean. ede A es, your absence will give you im ce. whose presence would be passed over with heartless indifference by Anthor ry r, may make both sensible of his value by keeping out of e way. A medical certificate, however, should al be procured. Phere is no occasion you should be punished by affine ‘b you revolt against a rehearsal. And a certificate will shield - tion of idleness or i —the reasons for absence which are sure to be seized upon by a sordid and ‘ Besides, absence is a duty you owe to compades as well as yo Such gaps at a rehearsal tench an, Aut eero on “y or, _— ad, sins, he secigs attentions and marks respect on , Which mi to even mere as mites | to your prelgtion than to yourself, a caution you against acting at Acting is an inspi fea. Tt cannot beer, ier o turned on at will, like the gas in a public-house bar, or in the = o£ ae erg , eV 0 com! ins’ do so with pe. Ly tae before you ? Asgiowen ¢ is the eer the Actor’s nostrils. But for its invigorating and ennobling stimulus, te ial info a mene draden, Where there is no applause to win, ‘is 4 was energy. it is dui to spare yourself fatigue, and your in the dark. Tike stars andthe moan op bhiee ot eke ee the Actor belongs to the stellar and planetary system, : If show in the morning mean ight, you deprive the Author of the exoitement of suspeesy a rye: aR of surprise. He takes your measure : y praises, or respectfully (it is to be hoped) censures. But in either case you are submitting yourself to his j t, and so far stooping to the position of an inferior. Think, on the other hand, of the calm sw iority implied in a cold, monotonous, and careless delivery, an pie ms of all action and ex- citement, a studied or, and a listless at Nobody, Manager, rother-actor, or Author, knows what are going todo. All are kept in a flutter. The chances of the are a subject of animated speculation, of stimulating excitement. You give no undue advantage to your companions b: ing them know your points, and calculating their own from io ou husband your st , and leave the channel open forthe countless springs of inspi- ration, which well up in your artistic and a. ayy of your temperament, cold even to freezing, per externally, a “Thane af aight tt the apical you, sweep all. belo nig e inspiration comes, you re you. The is in the seventh heavens; the Author delirious with delight; your comrades, baffled and disappointed, have been compelled {p_ninister to your triumph, instead of using you as the of own. Compare the combination of effects thus produced, with anything you a hare sehiered by the most slavish regularity, the most energetic acting, at re ! ., Of course if the inspiration do not come, you are not answerable for its absence. If your part is worthy of your powers, it ought, to : and, if it fail, you will have a right toascribe its absence to the wretched material furnished you by the Author. On him will fall, as ought, the weight of the punishment. You will have a opportunity for istinetion soon afforded you. His trash will fail and withdrawn, to way for something better. WAXING WRATH. We are credibly informed that the Prussian ambassador at this Court has formally, and in the v strongest terms, protested against Mapame Tussaup being indecently allowed to exhibit poor MOLLER in her Chambes of Horrors. He is so incensed at this in a that he a er byt 2 om in the et of the li ous representation of that inj innocent n remov within four-and-twenty hours, or the features so altered ss to lee for an English criminal, that he must ask for his pers, and leave a country that takes every possible opportunity of viliying his Fatherland. 'Phe affair is certainly assuming a very ugly and our only hope is, that Lorp Joun Russe.t’s well-known ic skill may prevent its leading to a casus belli.

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DecemBer 10, 1864. Td WE a ‘ Swell No. 1. “You pon’r Loox up To THe Marx Tus Morninae.” Swell No. 2. “No, I’m not; I PrRoposep Yusrerpay.” Swell No. 1. “ Resgcrep?” Swell No. 2. “No, sy Jove! Acceprep.” A LETTER-BEGGAR’S PETITION. Sir, 1am sure that you will permit me so to address you, for one } exquisi 7 kiddy epltlt' Wil spirn ‘nd. Gieacnstralion of affec- tionate regard. «Sir, Mr. Punch, I have been’ reading your last number, nd | cannot refrain from expressing my opinion, humble though it be, that’ of all the beauti majestic and augustly sublime publications wi T have ever read, number is the most ineffably transcendent and irrevocably gorgeous. fe Peter DP cll. Moe: pe of flattery, oe. ce nature would spurn, but would simply utter m it feelings of unutterable reverence. Sir, Mr. Punch, y) vetagueflenh peptide bar Bahews 1 ese pra beng I tell you that even so a sum (alas! not small to me /) as eighteen- Per Peally beg your pardon, Me. Piméb, ‘Sir. "The force of habit has ; your lon, Mr. Sy e of habi induced'me to construct this last sentence without thinking. It so this is not a letter begging for money, for I have had some three. As one who lost his all by the from a home by a cruel ic clergyman silenced by his tyrannic Bishop - ve obtained a lot of money about Clapham ion’t ask jary aid, unless you like to leave _at the office, direc “Captain Montmorencr Mont- s,”” in return for this letter.: How very good oysters are now, anda a dozen is not really dear, to a man of taste. But what I want is to.ask you to let me protest against a new and brutally mean system which is now too common among parties who receive applications from s for assistance, and which are coarsely called begging-letters. Sir, Mr. Punch, do you know that men are found who are and base enough to Aeep these letters, even for years, and to refer to when they receive new petitions. Anything more Gaersly I cannot conceive.. How can I ect what names I have signed during half-a-dozen of begging? Do you think I have a letter-book, duly indexed, a low person of business? I may at one time have called myself Brows, another year Jonzs, and now I may choose to be Rosson ; but what encouragement is there for ingenuity if ‘a sordid churl keeps my letters, and, putti them together, finds that bed spelli turns of ike? I the handwriting, , phrase are all alike received a brutal repulse the other day, when I had written a beautifully touching and complimentary, letter to an author (of whom I know nothing, and could not even spell his name right, so he ought to have borne me no malice), otering Sie the opportunity, of doing . The t answered me with a list of,m Sleaont! He knew them a deal hetter than I did, for I rejoice, to say I have a soul above such pettiness. Has 4e never written under a false name? Sir, Mr. Punch, if you, will take pity on m gun Mag mcg agi! really beg bane nav again—if you iow me e rascally, system ug the world, I shall be so much obliged. AndIam_ , . Yours very devotedly, Tuesday Morning, 11 o'clock. ‘ Ropgricx Doo. P.S. I have tasted nothing to-day, except three sausages, potted meat, a eouple of Be, and mee muffins. The smallest donation would earn my prayers and gratitude for ever. The Right Man in the Right Place. We hear that Mr. Bawrme, whose crusade against obesity has attracted so much notice, has signified his willingness'to attend at the } Cattle Show, and deliver a short Lecture on the art of getting fat, and the moe a es Capes th —— will . Far yaaa open - the rize rupeds, and es e pigs ; an any bipeds of a poroine caer present, they will be allowed to listen if they ‘pee t so to do. SOMETHING OF BILLY’S FOR CERTAIN SILLIBS. To the Spiritualists, who can juggle only in darkness, and say that | re, employ evil angels, we say with Falataf’, “ No, your ill angel is— hy : Eprrarn on a Cricxeter.— Over!” a t= a eee ha = tw Printed Wiliem B , of No. 13, U: Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. P Ww pret Pp rat thelr Other in Lombard Serect Iu the Prociuct of of London.—Sarunpay, December 10, 1864. in the County of Middlesex, and Frederic tefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No. 8%, Fleet 8 k Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie St: treet, in the

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DecemBer 17, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SEVERE SCHOLARSHIP. In the “Table Talk” of the Guardian there are some remarks on “ Bad Latin,” exemplified by instances quoted from certain contemporaries as blunders, some of which are evidently misprints, others slips of the pen that occurred in hasty composition, and one is not exactly a case of Latin that can be properly called bad. It is this :— full led at such an expression as driving a curriculum.’ ) =a > aa ‘wend oc used S purvinaings® in this wang Be events Horace does, in the very first Ode of his very first Book— * Sunt quos curriculo pulverem Olympicum collegisse juvat.’” Take an Ainswortn’s Latin Dictionary down from your shelf, turn out the word curriculum, and you will find it defined as “a place to run in the lists,” and also “as a cart orchariot.” Next, take down a Delphin Horace, if you hee one, and read the note to the first Ode, which is as | follows :— _“‘ Curriculo] Pro curru, vel ipso cursu, vel etiam loco in quo decur- ritur, accipitur ista voz.” The Saturday Review, by the foregoing authority, is | justified in pen AE i g another meanin Ay exrriculum than | that given thereto by Mr. Cray. The same authority, which is not esteemed worthless, may be held to justify | Mz. Cxay in using that word in a sense different from | that in which the Saturday Review understands it. But we _ will not hear the Saturday Review accused of bad Latin. | Have we not had rather too much, lately, of criticism on errors of quotation which are plainly clerical, errors | which an average schoolboy would not commit plodding | over his exercise, but which the profoundest scholar might find on coming to revise an article which he had written in haste? Somewhat too much, perhaps, of criticisms conceived by accurate, attentive, little minds, that can | imagine no cause of error but ignorance; criticisms con- ceived in the spirit of a stupid but sarcastic school-usher. | THE FORTHCOMING PANTOMIME. TO AUCTIONEERS. Astonished Friend, “ Way !|—Wuy ! Wat on EarTH ARE THESE!” THE lations regarding Sales are not to be found Manager. ‘‘Toxse? On! THESE ARE FAIRIES //” 'in any Bye Laws. ORACULAR. Tue brilliant success which our friend, the Morning Advertiser, has achieved in classical fields, and the memories of NesucHapNezzaR, the King of the Jews, of marvellous inscriptions, and of tributes to our friend’s interpretations of prophecy, justly entitle it to be heard touch- ing Lorp Dersy’s Homer, Without losing time, as more timid critics have done, our friend _promptly taps the new cask of Greek wine, and NY WAS pronounces it flat. Whether “earth and time” will “confirm the LEST OY RRS stern decree,” remains to be seen. In the meantime, might we, in all K humility, ask what is meant by the following mysterious passage in the \ : 1 \ Advertiser’s criticism ?— / R E\NAR Fi \N ** With such expedients as these, which we can all recal as the agonised resorts \ a NY \\ > ~~ . \ \ of our youthful minds striving against the evident purpose of Providence to be poetical at college, Eant Dersy,” &c. As a classical, poetical, and theological authority, the Advertiser has a right to be listened to as one listens to the thunder; but it is permit- ted to ask the meaning of an oracle, and this utterance is ultra-Delphic. The Wind-Pipe. Press, say anti-tobacconists, are all more or less injurious, Some ipes, such as wooden pipes, have, it is pretended, an asthmatical ten- ency, affecting the breath more than others. Among these must be a the sailors’ favourite pipe, the hornpipe, when indulged in too violently. NAVAL INTELLIGENCE. In the absence of all Sporting events at Epsom during the Winter, there will be a weekly review, all in the Downs, of the celebrated old Epsom Salts. THe most Notorious 7ies’-SERVERS OF THE PRESENT Day.— . erm Party tema Co., of the Strand, and nearly every | WISE PRECAUTION. VOL, XLVII.

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PUNCH; OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ([Ducemper 17, 1864. Ignorant Operator. “’At’s GETTING RATHER THIN ON THE TOP OF YER ’ED, Sim. | (The. Patientis @ follower of Brother Ignatius.) + Tray some or oun Hessence:” TO A FIRM TOO FOND OF “ THE STREETS OF LONDON.” Mowzem, Burt, and Freemay, Aggravating three men, Ar’n’t I like a demon ? Ora mapper seaman ? When I hear your rammers, When I see Soe hammers, And your picks and axes: local taxes, All down om When I, will i -nilly, thew co . hang all my on Being im time ‘or dinmer wi : ts El ly paved the way n) indly while Pinan oy ‘if you had mended All our ways, but now—tis ended : Gravelled—floored—dead beat— “ Cabby, home !—Decoram Street.” Extension of Gapital Punishment. Tae Commission on Capital Punishment had a meeting age at which they came, it is un to a resolu- recommending the extension of the t penalty oft e law to the cous of naling: bones with 7 yp Tht tines as tests ¢ a 8 on. of ing bottles ith ad ono the case cor egg ye deglagalors up seed agemattctiagers LINES BY A TY-COON, Tuer say the Brothers Davenrort stop in Town until They ’ve ye” a House; methinks they ought To live at Notting Hill. SABBATARIAN STRONG LANGUAGE AT KIRKCALDY. Tues are, in the Free Kirk of Seotland, officers called moderators: There was even one ong: at an assembly of the Free Kirk of Kirkcaldy the other day, when the @xamples of Sabbatarian strong were uttered by a Mm , of that ilk. Mr. Dovexass, one of the Dovexasses of s family, it maybe stated, denounced for the sin of running ‘Sutiy trains— “ Railway Com machines for catering to the wants pr peor pepo heey telgutanerehe eeuatry with the scum of the community.” By irrigating i = with - seum of the community, Mr. operation subservient to Scotch Dovetass did mot farming, but dary @ con ome ee of the pemerien persuasion. He went covering paSeNgerS, his meaning, thus :— ** He said there war a section of the ee pte pm od Gravee of the Le ee, ne ee ee otteddele ith they could gather wo the mass be: féund $0 consist of infidels, of latitu- dinarians, and the blackguardism of econ: that class of men who take for their rule of tire the opinions of Paris and other Continental cities, instead of the doctrines of the Bible.” If those to whom Mr. Dovexass im to return for railing, what he doctrines of the scribes the observance of Sabbath. The doctrines of = New prescribe nothing about the Sabbath, Mx. Dovexass, when he — that the doctrines of the Bible forbid Sunday travelling by way, says the thing that is not. The travellers and er = = he calls blackguards, might reply by calling him an ill name of two syllables. They will be content to say that he is mistaken. , The doughty Dovetass further declaimed as follows :— ‘* Railway Companies are not exem = oy the binding obligations of the Fourth Commandment more than others, an: y mortals who hold their existence from that God who says, ‘ Remember the Sabbath-day to keep it holy,’ are not at liberty to turn round and say, ‘ We will do in this matter just as we like, we will take our own way in this Sabbath question.” Here the Dovcuass is mistaken again. People are at liberty to dism were dis- Mr. Dovetass ? would they ible, pee ier ee means the Old Testament, pre- regard the day which he calls the Sabbath, or not it, according to their consciences. hristianity and the law of the land were not what they are, but what the Dovenassres and their kind would make them, that liberty would be destroyed, But. instead of that, it is enjoyed, at least in some measure. a rule, Mr. Doveiass does not approve of mutiny, but unruly Sabbatarians would form an exception to his rule :— “He was strikes that all the the oflcials of the onthe Beith Tailwey had combined har fey a work during the twenty-four hours of the Sunday. Perhaps Mr. Dove1ass would also hail with j 4 oe Ted as that all the officers and men of the British Army and struck on a Sunday. Perhaps, too, if Mr. —- tr m home, were sudden! on Sunday with cholera, for o—-. and were at the point of death, he would hail with joy the inte ce that, as the officials of the railway and electric telegraph office had all combined not to do a stroke of work on the twenty-four hours of that day, the doctor could not be sent for. He would rejoice in the martyrdom which would await him, in consequence of their combination to strike, and not do a stroke of work on Sun ay. The Moderator of the Free Kirk of Kirkcaldy, the next time he presides over a Sabbatarian meeting at which . Dovetass is to speak, will perhaps endeavour to moderate the rancour of that gentle- man’s tongue. Too Good to be True. Te New York Correspondent of a contemporary states that :— “ Bourier had a crushing reception at the Fifth Avenue Hotel on Monday evening.” If he had, he deserved it. But we are afraid that GeyzraL BuTiar is not smashed as yet, and is nothing like so flat as he ought to be QUESTION FOR MR. BUCKLAND, Wuat constitutes the visitors to the Phoce at the Zoological Gar- dens a body corporate ? Perpetual Succession and a Common Seal.

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Decembsr 17; 1864.) PUNCH. OR ‘THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 247 AMERICA FELIX: Kaa LL our housekeepers complain here dearness of provisions, and the scarcity of good fat juicy tender beef and mutton. But what woul their complaints be w wait d they are in America, in such a ni naa: bourhood, for instance, as that which Gznerat Suenman thus de- scribes in a despatch ?— 2 en moving Wa nee Tal Republic, Mount Crawford, itepester of stock, and have killed and issued to the Troops not less than 3;000 sheep.” Not much chance, eh, Mrs. But? of getting a good re of beef for Christmas in such a place as this? An mF ne wished for a plum- udding, you’d’ have to send) a longish way for flour and suet. But isten to the further boasts of SHeR1pan THE DESTROYER :— ““LIEUTEN. MriGs, nd veonburg; neal Degen.” Perth ceSeleae abt ait ths houses weitate ant aren of live miles were burnt.” THALABA THE DestroveR might have suggested such an act of | “cowardly inca lation: But here are more brave words from Suexi- DAN :— eee ee ee ee from Harper’s Ferry, every train, every small , and every pasion bushwhacked bythe goose many of whom ‘protection-passes ee who have been erto in that valley. Fab people bare are qelting tcl tha war” - “Getting sick of the war!” Yes, we should rather think they must -bes And who that has a scrap of Christian mm g left in him can help being likewise rather sick of GzenmRAL SHERIDAN ? New Fashion. Ir is pro to make the Opera-crush-hats of a more durable and cheaper s Ia ag Phony If this idea is ever fully developed, the fashionable ur highly, civilised. nineteenth century will be walking about eethe. her like Snake-charmers, with Rep-tiles on their CITY ARTICLE. Tun redaction ithe ale of isenunt eased eat ret, forthe mon fe pen gh as in such a feverish state that there were fears lest the rest” should be broken. Great SHocx.—A -Lady “we ‘kiiow was startled the other day by sbeing told, that some one was waiting below for her “ body.”—Dress- umakers should be careful. Tue Present Srreirvatistic Exctrement.—The Tie-fuse fever. THE PRIMATE’S PASTORAL. “ An influential deputation has waited on the ARCHBISHOPS oF CANTERBURY and Youk, to thank their Graces for their recently issued Pastorals.”— Times. which we think does the “‘ We have obtained a copy of one of these Pastorals, Most Reyerend Poet much credit, therefore we publish it.”—Punch. Cant. My York, you’re wanted. In alternate rh mur Let ’s chant the ow s Troubles of the York. Yes, Primate of d, I am game, The rather Shandciuaee peal: Begin, as twenty big ome my senior, you, my superior, too. Cant. Giadiy Idee °d cede the pas, for, Rese you ’re young, = = = Most truths divine come from your tongue. York. *twixt us tw pi aaa ; Good again, first of all, eis weltea 3 to its fall. cease to snooze Sit oncenve and well cushioned pews : paid all will e “scape the Popish plan my the grim Dissenter shall we keep ping where his own ee sleep? nearly dpa} freer hats pas be the last. and the Parish Clerk will follow soon : untutored accent and the nasal tune. Fe these are trifles melee a I think, at need, pendent igs! mich hasten to concede. en ronntion i y Ee ttt e pore i oa ETHELL stands, A bill marked “‘ Abolition”.in Bn hands : ce *twere better so than bear the ibes That Beret launches at the ghostly Lae York. Mast threatened things live long, nor dow! think parsons’ on ruin’s brink, yet tis umbra nominis, in fact, Pe pS TS 1 tly supremacy on ’ That judgment-on ike: Essays and Reviews. Which lets a priest say less than Duacan’s bell, That summoned——. York. Yes, there a Dogma’s knell. And yet I know not La ge on pride And all professional The Church is loser by it, ker = those Who might have left her, me her foes. Cant, There’s comfort yet. Bui hat remains to do With him who listened:to the mild Zulu?» . That cynical yet most polite divine, _ _ Who proves that three'times three is only nine? York. Let him alone . ‘Men, you see, Want more religion the “ of three. £ Let’s run the Golden Rule, "twill do the trick, And a bad second leave Arithmetic. Cant, ’Tis very clear, from each Doncastrian phrase, A sporting diocese my Exon sways ; Yet we have precedent that gives us claims To borrow lessons from the Olympian games. Well, on the whole, Most Reverend, it appears The Church’s Troubles-are but idle fears. ~ York. Details of little moment, if she act With much good feeli -“ a little tact. Cant. And were they twenty mee they defied ! 2 en aes eee apes * York. The Angel Benzamin. And my opinion’s—hum— ; Gant. Mine, too, is—hum. Question in Ancient Zoology. (From a University Examination.) Who was the he biggest Don that ever lived ? "1 A, The Masto-do “0 IT, YE crippiEs! ” Tne foot-lights at Covent Garden are to see a one-legged dancer, engaged by the English Hopera Company. ,A proper step of the irectors ! Aristocratic Looxer-on.—The Ear. or Sri.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. [December 17, 1864. NY - RSS NOQY Ki \ A W'WCY Y Vy, a (2222 htt QT M7 jy Ys Ly med / Ys YY, FY LL, ip LL Yy 4 iL Yl LO AAP SALE LALA PL f Vi % Yj Uy ’ aly Yy SS ‘tL, THE MORNING CALL. The Rev. Alban Rochet (High). “ Wow’? 1T COME TO ITs PRiest THEN!!!” (Baby doesn’t seem to-see it.) THE QUACK IN THE PILLORY. Ox, this is a very unpleasant position! This confinement of the arms and neck causes such a confounded aching, or else I shouldn’t mind it so much. The ignominy of it I should care not a dump for, if it wasn’t for the but I can stand t Don’t let too, so long as they are soft. policeman ! em throw apples unless ro’ Oh dear! oh dear! I wish I had stuck to the sale of the specific | out all the fees I could by legal means. I wish I had | and to er | never committed myself in writing. Ah! what a fool, what an ass I was, to threaten violation of confidence in black and white, and so furnish evidence of extortion against myself! I deserve the pillory for being such a donkey. I mh be whipped as well as pilloried. ought to have confined’ my of betraying that last patient to private interviews. Yes, pelt me, goon, it serves me right—bless ye, my people! Yah !—how they grin! ‘T'wo could play at that game, if dirt would let them see my grimaces. Ha, another bottle of my own filth! Well, if I could blush, ‘my blushes woald be hidden too. Nobody could sec them neither. I might look upon thi aren that covers my features as a mercy—ha, ha, ha!~if I had any sense of shame; for this frame around my face prevents me from hi it. But I can shut my eyes, if I like, and—oh dear, oh! smash on my nose again! I think I had better. Yelling, howling rabble! Set of brutes! If it were not for the pain of this posture, and all this offensiveness, and the servitude I have to undergo, I could laugh in the teeth of ye. [ were presently to be set at liberty, and could return to my practices, this exposure would do me less harm than good. Considering how many fools there are amongst you, I cannot help feeling that, standing here all filth as I am, I constitute the very best advertisement of myself that could possibly be exhibited. Appropriate TgsTIMONIAL TO THE BrotHers DAveNPoRT.—Two ropes’-ends—and the sack. | in I feel, and the nasty things they throw at me— honour of reading before Her Majesty at Windsor Castle. It is flattering in the Policeman ! | extreme to these artists that they have been selected as the first who have been | Her FLATTERY AND FLUNKEYISM. Ws object, for more reasons than one, to the subjoined announce- ment, which appeared the other day in the Court Journal :— “Tue Queen.—It will be noticed that Mr. and Mrs. Wican had this week the permitted to appear before Her Majesty.” In the first place, the QuzEn does not flatter her subjects, though subjects may be so ignoble as to offer flattery to Sovereigns. In the next place, if the selection of certain artists as the first to appear before ajesty is gratifying to those artists, it cannot be flattering in | their estimation; for to feel flattered is to feel more than duly appre- | ciated. Thirdly, there is; so far from anything flattering, not even any- thing necessarily complimentary in the first artists who have been permitted to omer before Her Majesty. The Quzzn might choose to see those whom she deems the best, first, or she might prefer to see them last. Of these two equally possible cases the case in ques- tion is very likely the former; but we deprecate slipslop. ** Speech is Silver, but Silence is Golden.” A New Club, it is said, has just been organised in Paris. It is called Le Club Muet, the rule being that its members, while within ite portals, are not allowed to speak. The House of Commons has been called the nicest Club in London, if it were not for its Members. It would be perfect, therefore, if its Members were to follow the rule of Le Club Muet, and were elected on condition that they were not to speak ! PHYSICAL PHENOMENON. An Eminent Oculist lately informed us, that an intimate friend—one of his most intimate friends, finds great relief in casting his eyes, when they are tired, upon a green covered sofa, and allowing them to rest for some time upon it.

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17, 1864, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Decamser ie \ \\\\ | \\\ iy ‘( UI iN b\ \ \. / \ wW } a \ \ \ \ AA) WW NN —~* A Hi\\ \ ‘ ‘ ‘ \ \ \ 4\ \\\ ~ ° 3 A QUACK IN THE RIGHT PLACE Or, What we Should Like to See.

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See OO .. ae a ae eee & > RO b= | me aos oak

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Dacemper 17, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 251

CABINET COUNCIL ON REFORM. Seoumz, Downing Street... Present, The Cabinet. Lord Granville. Ha! Ha! Vou pred. i u know they said : Order! Order! Now, shall we go to business? I think we that we should consider the Reform Suppose we don’t call it a question, yet, Graw- ta NON movere, as : your guietu. There are a great lot of ee more or less ial, and we must do something. hands. T sil do nothing patie Tae rel Sead the ee ion nd : in the I shall Bropared with the proper Bil. : A, Nope Foy open tt nt erst reat of the Cabinet "is to be only lea Lard Polmereten, T'sh Veneed 8 i bed 0 rooms Do you remember Lorp MeELBouRNe’s first inquiry, when people told him of a 5 aot ‘ilner Gibson. We can’t let this alone. Palmerston. dear Gisson man knows his power of abstinence until he has Yeit it. Ask Mz. Barixe Sir George Grey. The matter is not in my department, but—— ba Gi . Then, Gazy, rest anne thankful. Haven’t you more, which the Home Secretary will have, if you allow agitation to excite people to demand what you Lord Palm. Mey Som gee Sy tered tary Who’s igin Fey sa® ayy 7 7 4 e ak sh : time. The Premren is for doi doing the thing all by himself” attended to first, andthe Board of Trade is for an immediate promise of a larger Reform Bill. Now, do let us discuss these points seriatim, yi Ty mage fasgaa . My of course . rather misrepresent me, or at least quite to convey my meaning. ‘i Coney se that before Rog take up i enantio we should be ate sure that it is negessary 80, we don’t mistake a few meetings of nobodies, which can always got up at the shortest notice, for the voice of the country Lord Russell. T shall not be misunderstood, I trust, when I say that my noble friend may not contemplate remaining in office so j ats as some other persons may feel it their dutyto.do, and that this circum. stance may induce him, unconsciously, to the-mecessity for— od placing ourselves in an advantageous. im the eyes of the nation. Mr. Gladstone: Entirely, but respectfully, ; participa- tion im the i ion that a certain i Saiice in tos bosom-of the Noble Lord at the head of the F would also _ that E think the caution of the noble lord the Mini Foreign J ere irs is somewhat cess of i bumble - Tei se or in the Clarendon Sakved.encellor TE tore bithertésaiiall from. mingling: i - ve " in this diseussion, it has not been because I did: in ie anatase, but from my conviction that it was being cond in @ ich rendered seriousness sugerfinons Now that it appears to a rational form, I have no objection to say that if we are as a Liberal t (it is needless for me: to.add, that Bdomot in the least eare whether we do or do not) we issue a scheme, but: it must be a sound and complete one. [will draw and you <a o formal assent to it at our mext meeting. Hxcuse my going, as Bare engagements of im Lard Palm. 1 like Wesrsony, do you! ye _ Mr. Milner Gibson. Of course we know it. (Laugheng.) Bat he is right about the necessity of a bill. Lord Palm. I don’t see the necessity, but anyhow, let us see his bill. Suppose we meet again in a fortnight. Howl Peles Sooner, oar.

he ive the waiters without being considered mean ? ci nad a phan at ob ; i the noble Duke and the noble Im that which does not include a certain reduction ir the Mette my badge which partment of the latter, " Ford Pal. Bare rer oe all about it. Fie say I know nothing. de and . And I , i en ‘ pried which was that Aa seh the question whether any notice Lord Russell. ¥ thought that I had settled that Leave it to me, Lord Palm. T see no objections ‘alin. : Mr. Milner Gibson, But I see a great many. No in the world even if he ran us n he liked. (Laughter. Well, I would f ( i + mf isittednn ee

over the whole business to his call rudeness, as everybody knows; but in the world the right hono done that if we had not been Liberals ? (Great

again: next week, that I protest’ against any new subject i Lord Palm. Very well. Settle it with Graxviuiz. But we under- he vA gh ply begin od a of _ stand—mind—nobody is pledged to anything. — i m Estimates, pe pelled Lord Granville. If we were, how we exist as a Cabinet ? a5 Py ee ny ae ight or desire to imitate the| «227% Palm. That’s true. We are y independent, yet pesomptory tose of the Deke. ban I could. wish to have. an early idea. ee ae. Human perfecti » a8 we used to say about of what, is to be done with the Army Estimates. ag hg ey eg? Tl too withoes awh Pane Lord Palm. Both of ask Giapstone to tell as the com- Council broke Bm. mercial traveller said i one of Puach’s pictures, wht is the least sum “p.) : : parson.” That saying holds tien epetiment of the former, and a still Se tea athe catoalae Breatest fool in the famil “ map wees For he will not which I should have any envy to introduce to the Legislature, family. into as soon as he is ordained. must represent that I am entirely | 4 black tie or bird's-eye “fogie.” So itis to be obli without cal going Lord Granstlle Really this is a complete departure from our arrange- | strous bore to have your personal habits controlled : freedom limited in any de by the opinion of old women, or the power of old womanly bishops. No consideration but a + high to submit to such dictation. has more admiration for Lonp Rvsss11’s character, public and private, | Of a set of snobs constituting a coroner’s jury, because you, a curate, i i board my yacht, he should steer it if| Choose to study anatomy ! end to thet Lind sad pihsneertnant ied oat four ly: j j i in | al ir Vi or ce) in the manufacture of Reform Bills as to justify the Liberal party in how you caa--thet in. fy eae c, to starve, your. lying Liberal; or, rather, am not I a mene for once a parson always a parson; and having once entered a or a public-house. u pable of the conduct supposed init. . The tumoue the te Renee? e ie Cc . r 0} arable | ot Botolp's, Aldgate, has salen 8 pur Liberals to , a8 the Spanish say. Who doubts invention of the Jesuits, designed to damage the Church of that? “Dida’s we turn out the Genter. enon hovel we-tnen

CLERGYMEN MADE SCARCE. Ir used to be a saying, “Make the greatest fool in the fami} ing stil With s eondition. ‘Make the unless he is such a fool as the greatest fool in a very foolish - That is, if you have not got a good fat living for him to step It is a bore to be obliged pla Be eee kere iten you profer about smoking ashort pipe if wish to po ny a sho’ 0 m reonal abi suk yemn agtendl would induce a man who has the least Fancy yourse being in such a position as to be liable ta the censure Then fancy your Rector, who ought to stand. by you, and back you t them e clerical profession, no other

1s Open to you; neither can you keep a | tno, This last case is not to-be fancied. No s such as those above mit, damien to dee ts Cas cman 8

Lord Granville, If 1 could only induce you to ony thing at a

Wuo’s Cumme:?—Christmas.

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemprr 17, 1864. A LETTER FROM ELYSIUM. oN KOS Rss ee | themselves my friends ; and especial do I mind me of that | fearsome time of peril through which I prem awhile e | | when thou didst rescue me from hands that would ‘have | stuck me up a statue, or done other ill-timed foolery m } | to my distaste. 1 A... po os boop me from — soiling. Slants * | of mine who borrow of my poor plays to pran poorer 1 | works withal, and so mangle my best thoughts. Your | musicians, look you now, are performing a canéaéa, as th | do call it in their slang, which is entitled Kenilworth ; an to enliven his dull words, the poet (save the mark!) has ‘introduced “the exquisite summer night scene,” as it | him to term it, from my Merchaunt of Venice. | By way of fitting prelude to y¢ stillness of my scene, he | claps a roaring song before it as a prelude, whereof I quote thee y* last verse :— “* Who dares to and taunt afar, Like thunder-c! that threaten What need we care if jealous war rain ? Be brooding in, the ports of Spain? Our Queen may let such bodings . And answer with a haughty a py No Don shall touch one blade of grass In any horder of our isle ! The — highway stones would rise, The shepherds’ hills rain ruin down, Were we not there t To guard our glorious England’s crown?” | Beshrew me," Master Punch, but these be wondrous words! Didst ever hear before of a bragging thunder- cloud? To me it seemeth rather misty. Nathless, good | Sir Poet, here’s to thy better health; and if warjbe |“ brooding in the ports,” I pray thee stick unto ‘y* | sherries. I? faith it seemeth that “our Queen” did ‘pay small heed unto her garden, an it be true that she did let _j¢ grass grow in y* borders. And where, I pray thee, was | the “there” where thou sayest that “we were guard our England’s Crown?” and whose was y* surprise OLD DODGERS. | against which it surpriseth me to learn we were to guard it P First Testy Old Gent. “‘ Pray, Sm, watcn Sipz or THE Path DO YoU mtznD| An thou solvest me these riddles, Master Punch, thou TO Keer?” |art cleverer than Tam. And so believe me thine most Second Ditto. “ Vanx Quzstion I was Gorse To ask You, Sie!” | lovingly, albeit in the shade, Wit SHAxKsrEans, [They set as before. Elysian Fields, Tuesday. ||| / of 100°, to interfere with this “ necessary question of the play?” He MR. PUNCH’S HANDY-BOOK OF THE STAGE. knew foo well what was due to the great principle of subordination, | which must > omnipotent in a on ” in a geo w..A PTE il cussion was long; the action c arrange. r g ke gaat (829 fae dtone tga dil nearly an hour in the slings, one of the io was childish enough oss vier os|*2 Couphi pitose ay tact hace whah kad havgeeals ie oes 2 : : com , perhaps they didn’t know w pened. But when a ly monet Lt aah ae a action eoteced, be om past are the | the little accident was discovered, the mischief was done ; the ¢ableau dots over the #s and the crosses over the f’s of Art. They give it dis-| WS ruined, the stupid child had to be got down, and a substitute pro- tinctness and legibility. Never fail to point out any difficulty that may | vided, at much inconvenience to the management, and to the serious oceur to you shout the management of the scene in which the action | ™J¥ry of the picture. _But - mo point in the action had, in takes place. See that the Author is strictly consistent with topogra- | the mean time, been satisfactorily settled. phical probabilities in the position of his doors, windows and passages.| Always bring your part to rehearsal, keep it in your hand, and use it And do not, for a moment, be put off with a suggestion, that it is pos-| to the last. If you trust to your memory you will run the risk of being sible for a person to go off at one entrance and come on at another, by | Continually at fault; and, if the Manager s7// have rehearsals, there can help of an outer staircase, or by passing through other rooms. be no occasion why you should give him your time at home as well as hese little discussions will animate the rehearsal; and keep the | in the theatre. ; Author alive to the importance of strictly keeping up the realistic! Besides, with your in your hand, you can always answer any illusion, on which so much depends now-a-days. complaint of the Author, if you talk bad grammar, or neglect punctua- Never let the piece proceed till you are satisfied on any point that | tion, by throwing the blame on the copyist. If the a have written may seem to you to want clearing up, or any little matter of action that | nonsense, as is highly probable, be scrupulous in speaking it. It is not may give a good opening] for an argument or a difference of opinion. | your business to correct his blunders, and you have a right to say that You should never miss an opportunity for the discussion of your art. | all you have to do is to deliver what is put into your hands, not to make No matter what annoyance supers or ballet-girls may be put to by | sense of it. It will be your duty to impress this pointedly on the the delay this occasions. Their convenience must succumb to your im-, Author, and so revenge yourself, pleasantly, for any indignity he may provement. 1 am thankful to say that the of most English | have put upon you, by calling you back, or finding fault, as is the way theatres is not likely to stand much in the way of your observance of | with such people. : this, or indeed any other of these rules for your guidance at rehearsal. Should the Author, notwithstanding these hints, and the unspoken I have known a group of girls, at rehearsal, hung up for the purpose | warning of your manner, persist in such interference, do not let him be of a tableau in the flies, in a -frame work, with a blaze of gas close | left in any doubt as to your proper resentment for such unwarrantable The was very properly stopped to allow of liberties. Shrug your shoulders, be silent altogether, caricature his 5 eo interesting arguments on some point in directions or delivery, suggest that perhaps if he is dissatisfied with the action of the princi Did the Manager allow any consideration ' your manner of playing the part, he will find some other, Actor fo p pit. for the insignificant hanging in their‘steel-girths, in a temperature The very least you can do, if your position render you timid of adop’

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+2 d e je y at iS d 1 d a. st BESS? Pes | BESS _

‘Duomuszr 17, 1864.) PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 253 |

* it will be all right at night.” Whenever are not speaking, or actively e of the aon on be no reason why you sho i tion to what will give you an opport he eh rg wanted, dignified mode of remonstrance, is to shut him up with an — mg ‘ta! (Nearly upsets the boat in her emotion. Sensation.) overstrain your They the other characters. . eee c ister rehearsal fay 0 stecig goenip SS Jour en you ag ofthe Gok AE ppl ne po eg Seat ty to find you, | place! (Is about to prepare or bat oot biting J mence more | present. Manian hides her heli Prensa i, Eee pe tah you right. In these depths lie the only legal proofs ~ a "Tis 5 20 the will— oan and Whestley. Ay! the will—is—— Richard. At the bottom of the sea. hing, but remembers that Richard. Nay, not 3 ! (Produces a diver’s dress, air-pump, ropes, and lines, 5 Whestley. ae my ever sufficiently thank you! (Adjusts the a. tube, gute” on the helmet, ad loale eoepiagd Maniax ewe gh glass s, then out of the boat, and is 7 the sea: % o~. Manian). Now you are mine! Marian. Never! [Strapate, du during which by pense” 4 the air-pump, and WuxstiEy

SIMPLICITY OF CHILDHOOD! NOW BEING SOLD IN ALL THE FIRST-RATE LONDON HOUSES.

SITUATIONS WANTED. several Dramatic Authors, Situations of Thrilling and onal Interest, | Must. ‘e Novelties, ) og mabyan any part of any piece: dialogue Sone cali selath oP Uke ee, ther, the bottom of the Sea, anywhere rng opto win cg fu of he Pia” Wy a e-gih- gut to within eight feet of the “ Flies.” This will cont pared Whales P and other smaller fish, all reat Rocks, and real Rien Veictinn The Submarine Telegraph wires will be seen Stage. Music: tremolo — mysterious, just li ‘aie WOULD be heard in the depths of the Ocean. stn om Crew reel Grop Metter ent, Disaloce discmeres | iy 7 ctiaiada fitting about in 1 colons Wis | Portwklon Sacto clinging to the rocks ; re the foreground, a as deeme ae, > a Codium Plonked pet other Zoophytes disport themselves in their native element. Oe Sel the Sea!” A i the water, a small Loat, containing of the piece, ana young Wuxst- the property, whatever it is. Mantan, ¢ in <= with Rad oh ils Dy @ song—is steering the boat CHARD . rowing. h the music yr io thie mysterious place? ecetm cae sual) } he real water.) : gi Ocean

BeBESess SSFFESEFS cba with as much Reality as | That the | Peace be to him, and his as' he will from a fierce Shark, who will be funn ‘for vase pero ts becoming exhausted, when a shot, from somewhere ts fired, and Richarp Jalls, capsising, however, the ; HARD sinks to the bottom, the Shark leaves the will and attacks him ; Wuesti%y ciate the document, Maman clings with-ane hand to the boat, @ir-pump, which she works, Her arm gets ma flow Marian. V faint! Idie! Help! HESTLEY having received no air for a aan fe The Shark dig ah ah Rca caught by Submarine Stanemamane expresses that a good idea jar Oe seizes the wires, eth aateramed Ee ply the boat with bis legs; then, with another gains the surface, his arm rm Mania jes ea sits on the boat, ‘upper - hry ke i right rn, ond en eee n ser Ta We present tionalist School. the consideration of the Sensa- t the boat t to: say, about a foot of water. nothing sri Sins ou ™

LOVE SONG. BY A GARDENER. Yzs, I own the soft impeachment; yes, and rosy, blithe nat bl When in all her full-blown nee makes I’m quite nervous when . meet her, My carnations set me The blush rose wears Ne If the flower in white, the ily, he snow and he are flat She ’s the standard of perfection, she ’s a With her = eyes yey Ak and her stream —o s th eae of—no, that ’s hackneyed—and she lives of Daletoe:noe, undays, spruce and smiling, J transplant myself from Slough. amour I carry her—the waectast “ ae, ws— An bicons ti win me rizes at the aa Ws; laokadoioal Tf es te eS Fe 4. Early was the passion planted, deeply rooted it became, a fed thy | ee beer ut s up some meddler came betw So I wore the (weeping) = wi in ti of Guan, He was bulbous in his figure and eer er oe rm gr his He was older than the lady, something at a And I espe pnt fetes oe tied his stock(s) up tly vad hands of of Ke cane He was happy, w bn one en aie no young branches to Na vine, Which I with resignation, as they Tesla hone have soon been mine. She has he her to please me and resumed me bows,

P Thave heard of it i childhood. Well do I wand What. att we po weeds to Through the vista of the future all ristened For she calls me (ch Perer) her sweet P., and bliss divine, Has named the day when I shall say that she is Jzasrm mine.

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254 PUNCH. OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Dacemsen 17, 1864. a. a veucafrea hes ‘ \eewcace oe \\ WS ) SELF SACRIFICE. OH, YES, IT’S VERY.NICE TAKING YOUR PRETTY CousIN aBOUT TOWN, PARTICULARLY WHEN YOU HAVE TO RIDE ON THE SPLASHER, BECAUSE HER CRINOLINE FILLS ALL THE Caz. — HOW TO’ QUASH THE QUACKS. My pgeAr Dr. Puxcn, ° a, i How can they be THERE is a ery,against Quack Doctors. crushed? For the protection of our fools, they ought to be stamped out: just as we stamp upon the stoats for the prejertion of our phea- sants. I think I see three ways in which the heel might be brought down upon them :— : 1. The Medical has the power to proceed against all persons giving medical advice, wha are not qualified to do so. 2. The Law Courts have the power to nonsuit any claimant of a fee = advice, if such claimant (as most Quacks are) be unqualified to practise. 3. And the Press has the power to reject all quack advertisements, and to expose as much as possible the foul ngs of the Quacks, by stinging leading articles; and by copious reports of cases where they come to grief, as a brace of them did lately, much to my delight. As regards the P. decency is surely the best policy. I never buy a paper that: inserts vi poof advertisements, I have very little doubt that there are hundreds like myself, who make this a strict rule. Any one who buys a newspaper that publishes quack puffs, I regard as an aider and abettor of the Quacks. Cease to = such newspapers and their proprietors will cease to publish such advertisements ; and thereby the Quacks will cease to prey upon the fools, who, by the lure of puffery, are drawn into their dens. Wehios fe success in your philanthropic efforts to annihilate these vermin, me, my dear Dr, Punch, yours admiringly, A. CrusHER. P.S. I hear that nearly every now keeps his private carriage, with the maney be coteins undies medical pretences. If such ras- cals had their rights, there should rather be one public carriage onl fo all. Toa man of your sagacity I hardly need to add, that allude to the police van. INTERESTING DEPARTURE. | . “There has been an unusual absenze of ozone lately."—Meteorological Corre- | spondence, passim. Ox where, and oh where, is our usual ozone gone ? Its absence surely must have been remarked by every one. Can nobody inform us why and whither it haa flown ? Oh where, and oh where, did our usual ozone dwell ?] *T was somewhere in the atmosphere, but where I cannot tell - You must ask Prorgessor AIREY, or some other learned swell. Suppose, oh! suppose, that our ozone ’s in the sky !—~ Just for a change it may perhaps have thither tried to fly— Can we exist without it, I wonder, if we try? SHAKSPEARE IN BIRMINGHAM. SHAKSPEARIAN discoveries proceed rapidly.’ We had, the other day, the pleasure of announcing several, and we read, in the papers of the day, that at Birmingham, an intellectual lawyer’s clerk has found some documents throwing a new light upon the history of the poet. We have instituted inquiries into their character, ‘but are not at y to say more than that SHAKSPEARE clearly resided in Birmingham for some time, visited all the manufactories, was much pleased with Ruxmie- Ton’s and GiLLort’s establishments, and one wet evening, at the Hen and Chickens, amused hi by inventing the steam-engine. This fact throws a gracious light upon his celebrated “ Wartr’s in a name,” and upon the passage in 7roi/us and Cressida, Act iii., Sc: iii.— “ What thing’s again most dear in thee is steam.” Horrible ! Cansreatism! £200 reward. Missing, an elderly geationse with green spectacles, The last time he was seen, we are informed, he was } S-eating himself leisurely in the Park ! Priated by W: Brad , of No. 13, U Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pa in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No, 11, Bouverie Street, in the of Whirefriars, City of pay Printers, at their Uffice in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, City f London, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bede cay of Loudon. —S8arvapay, December 17, 1864. FS Ee SE os is = = pay

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ne a ee en ee DecemBer 24, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. YW na =, % tee y _ "Ny ae Oi, ee Ly OK; 4 ~/ WORTHY THE NOTICE OF THE ANTI-TOBACCO SOCIETY. Miss Fitz-Fast, “‘ PorTER, HOW 18 IT THERE IS NOT ANY SMOKING CARRIAGE TO THIS Train?” A CHANCE FOR AN EDITOR. _ Turnxine is dull work, but it has to be done at times. The follow- ing 8 statement, which we find in a daily contemporary, has driven us to O LITERARY MEN and PRINTERS.—A small Capital can PUR- CHASE a profitable NEWSPAPER on the South Coast. Easily managed. Literary ability not necessary.—Apply, &c. Of course, we know that a very small capital, in fact, three pence, can pone the most profitable of all newspapers—that in the reader’s hand. [t can be purchased on the South Coast, of course, and also on the East and West Coasts, and in the midland counties, and every- where else, where civilisation is found. But we can hardly believe that a stranger to us would kindly take the trouble to advertise to the world a fact already sufficiently patent. We suppose (or as i say, we expect) that his meaning is, that he wishes to sell his property in some paper. By way of compliment to the Literary Men whom he addresses, he says that literary ability is not necessary, and that the affair is “easily managed.” This must be one of Mr. Cospen’s favourite journals, something made up of cuttings from other papers, and without leading articles. Or, perbaps, the usual leading article may be a congratulation to the inhabitants of the town enlightened by the newspaper in question, that the Great Travelling Circus is to be with them on Tuesday, “when,” the accomplished Editor is sure, “it will receive that patronage which Stickinthemud never refuses to legitimate and honourable enterprise.” These Italics are a well-merited kick at a conjuror who departed without paying for the editorial puffs. Or, for we have not, of course, the faintest idea as to what part of the South Coast is blessed with a journal requiring no literary ability, the Editor will have to apply his fine faculties to scathing satire against the sanitary authorities, “whose vulgar and un-English intermeddling attempt to prevent our respected townsman, Piece Jopser, from eeping swine where his venerated father kept them before him, next door to the hospital, excites the just indignation of those who know the facts.” This{is the usual style of country newspapers which require no literary ability in the Editor, and we allow that such journals | are easily managed. Literary men we are sure, be grateful for the ehance that is offered them, and for the advertiser’s sweet apprecia- tion of the literary character and responsibilities, SONG OF THE ADVERTISING SURGEON. I’m a Quack, I’m a Quack, in an infamous trade, By which a large income I yearly have made : Other Quacks you may find even richer than me, And we live by the vilest SoD per go ou see. 1 thrive by extortion, I heed not the law, I grab all the cash from my dupes I can draw ; I keep a smart brougham with the money I steal, And [| live in a style that is highly genteel. Chorus. I’m a Quack! I’m a Quack! Here’s success to the trade, By which dirty hands are yet dirtier made ! ' I’m a Quack! I’m a scamp! I’m a skunk! I’m a thief! And of all filthy scoundrels I rank with the chief! I’ve dubbed myself “ Doctor,” but that’s all my eye, My diploma’s a sham one, my title’salie; I’ve no knowledge of drugs, and no medical skill, If attempting to cure you, the chance is 1’d kill. I frighten the nervous—I thrive by their fears— I pretend there ’s disease where no symptom appears : y advertisements daily bring patients to me, I’m a Quack! I’m a thief !—yet from prison I’m free ! Chorus.—I ’m a Quack! I’m a Quack! &c. Immunity of Aliens. To a Correspondent.— GENERAL Tom Toums and Commopore Nutt (whom nobody but a vile punster would call Colonel) are not liable to be summoned on the petit jury. VOL, XLVII. DD

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[Deozsmpzr 24, 1864, LONDON CHARIVARI. Strange Curate. “ Waerx Dors THIs Para_co To, my Man?” Half-witted Rustic: ‘‘ Don’t KNOW WHERE "E GOES TO, BUT ’E’S *Eexabouts THs Time o’ Day.” } LETTER FROM MR. WHALLEY. | Dear Mn, Puncn, yee h at me, but I think that you have a sense | of justice, will own that upon the preserit occasion I | am right in. sounding a warning to England. 4 |. A new, inyention has been introduced into Society. It |is called a.Rafraichisseur. I have seen the advertisement |in your.own columns, but I am sure that you will never, | for the sake of a miserable fifty guineas, allow the announce- | ment to appe in. The article consists of two glass | tubes te aedaha right angle, and held together by a | cross piece, and its, avguwed — is to enable a lady (at | present, ladies only useit) to blow perfume, from a bottle, over hy face of any friend whom she may wish to honour _ by that attention, ‘ |. Sir, cam. the, most stupid. person fail to see that this is a to familiarise people with sprinkling? b Perfume, or the Ess Bouguet, to what I r Waren, is but one step downwards. The Jesuits have introduced; the thing; a foreigner, and pro- bably a Catholic, sells. it; and it is called by a name from phe ansuase of the Eldest Daughter of the Church of Rome. s Pray, Sir, be serious, and smash this Papistical:abomina- ion, Yours (in Protestantism) Plas Madoc, Ruabon, G. H. WHatiEy, We shan’t: We rather like the o; ion, when the i tt be operatrix.is,as lovely as any lady,sh be who presumes to approach The Presence.—Puncu,] The Greatest Wonder of Spiritualism, _ Imja,book published on ja are to have » im through the air. Considering their spiritual pretensions, ‘we. may wonder that, since their arrival in this country, so far from having been transported, they have never yet even been taken up. A Lear Query, ann Its' Answer.— Where are GENERALLY ND \.Petitions filed? At Sheffield. THE CHEAP PRESS, AND. ITS VICTIMS, .To Mr. Punch Esquire dear sir I am a young lady in a genteel sityouation being ousemaid to a —— which his name I will not menshing but only int that he is equally respected as myself halthough I say it who should not and meaning sir of course each in eur proper Spears of Haetion which mine is. runnink upeeddows stares till my legs I beg your ing sir I should ave said my lower lims is amost | wore up in fack by continual Halpine climbing which Mont pene | says is nothing to it and if it wasnt for a our or so of rest and O be | thankful for it of an evenink I dont no what would ave become of my intellectual phackulties which [ every night met. them in readink of a penny weakly paper I takes in leastways I should have said subscribes to which its most improving to ones mind to read the arrowing romances and tails of Love and Murder! & fashionable Mystery ! which phil its pages weakly exceptink the outside one as is occupied each week, with notices to corespondents as ave writen to the Head- & Complexions & ow to treat a, lovier & ow to die, the Air & I were told they kep a Lawyer to, answer legal questions but what I says is I’d Beware of im if 1 were U! for I see in Masters ae this mornin that at the Scentral Crimipval police court which, I suppose they call it Scentral. because when full of criminals it cant smell very sweet—there sir a“ young person. of boyish a ” were brort up & tried for Biggamy.which unbeknown to master Ive cut out with my sissars the follermg short hextrack to show you what took place “*The second wife, a very young woman, was called for the prosecution, and asked | if she knew the prisoner was already married when she married him. Thinking she | had misunderstood the question by her answer, the Recorper asked it aguin. She | replied, with apparent effrontery, that she, was well aware that he was married. | “* The Reoorper told her that she was not much better than the prisoner. ** The witness, in reply to Mr. Kemp, said the prisoner had always treated her | well, and that having been told that at the time of the first marriage he was under | age, she had fancied the first marriage was illegal, as he himself had so believed. | “Mr. Kemp said when the prisoner was about contract the second marriage, he addressed a written query to a cheap periodical, which professed to answer | legal-q ons, whether, being under age at the time, his first marriage was valid, | amel reply was in the negative. (A ) ; “* The Recorper sentenced the prisoner to nine months’ hard labour,” ditur asking of advice upon most interesting toppics,such as,Courtship | fool Please Sir isnt it a Shame that this here pore young woman should ave to lose er usbing because E were told: wrong, by the. cheap period- dical & so has to go to Prison to ard labour for 9 months Please sir me & Jane the nussmaid & Margaret the cook we all agrees in thinkink as the pore young man and woman as most crewelly deceived by behalf of ‘the. Davzenrorts, those | in America, transported this here perioddical.& we say the Headditer ought sertingly to ave | been sent to Prison instead of the young usbing oom he aye misled. | I hone. that for myself I shant put no more. faith in these eg pues, Ww dicalls leastways as regarding their advice to co respondents. advise young ladies like myself who is looking ovt for Usbings to be preshus careful as their loviers isnt married on the faith of a cheap noosepaper afore they goes to church with them which Ill take care it dont apen to your obejnt umbel Servant which my real name is | Maritper but missus she for her own reasings prefers to call me Wensday December forteen Hann, P.S. I spose youll say that them as puts their trust in penny papers is = penny wise & it only sarves them right when the is Found at the Cattle Show. “Lo! the rich Farmer, whose,untutored mind Sees nought, in fields ‘but soil,—and sees the wind : Believes, admitted to an equal stye, His fattened pig shall bear him company.” POP GOES THE GOOSEBERRY.! Arrer the disclosures relative to the Wine Trade, which occurred in the case of ABRAHAMS 0, ATTENBOROUGH (the extensive pawnbroker), the. race-course champagne, bought at 13s. a, dozen, and sold at 20s. a bottle, will of course be called “ Pop.” Tae Imperian Uncur,—The. Mont de Piééé. at, Paris, as a. State Pawnbroker’s Shop, may. be thought to be. an. example of a’ government, : y is found | | TeeelLeaelee Liptiij

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Dicembrr 24, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVART 267 FINE FEATHERS FOR FINE BIRDS. | as it be something new.” Such is usually | her royal mandate to the milliners. And the ate prompt in obeying her. behests, Very wondrous are the for, the oftener the fashions change, the better ways of women, and| for their fortunes. Some new device in dress more wondrous still | is started well nigh every week, quite as frightful their modes /! Only look | as the owls’ h on the ugly melon caps, and at this description of | as useless as the veils which are only worn for or- the style of out-door uament. But when we ever notice our wife head-dress which is wearing any novel decoration, we never dream ow the rage in| of re enough to ask her what’s the use is :—, Peete taal — ee a. es . and so put ‘itioney in “The casquete is no} the C Mantaling y fasbion-) The human race is quite as vida novitdlis in consi-| this present year of grace, as it was said to ‘be when people used to talk in Latin of the latest Pecoming, /fashions out: and the greed that women *natu- rally feel for a new dress, of course - and fathers may deplore this ae eit, because have to round simply | ladies ‘very make sad with a gros‘grain ribbon, of the men who have Vind red andl Wick, ait | Wearing Of hawks’ feathers is ugly as those of scréech owls, hawks, ania falcons, are also sometimés used as hat decorations.” A hawk’s head on’a lady’s hat must look a little hawkward: and beak on it cannot be very captivating. It may be thought, too, that a bird’s wing, when | ais n’importe, La Mode le veut: worn upon a woman’s head, must look a little flighty. Torada to their'coquettish | Priate. y a little duck, oe, wither a bird’s | married, becomes a bird of 84 to make here, 4 appearan p= rth falcon's plume | her i *. « f, i Sic, 2.vell | lumdage, look like a bird of paraliie. te thet, hang over | ath often re of what = Jowett Confuted. of prey; Dr. Pusegy has, in a letter to the 7imes, main- | Frequest for toi)) ical | > word. is letter con- | the Tt is manifest that | | the ‘use of such a word as “‘teliable” by any one | vito, like Dr. Pusey, ought to know better, is an ce which, if not repented of, must entail un- | a cap with an owl’s| limited liability. and who will dare dispute the dictatesof Queen Fashion? “No matter how ugly, so long | Cork Cutter. FORENSIC MEDICINE AND POLITICAL PATHOLOGY. Trrtes and Truth separated many years ago by mutual consent. A Bank which, from its firmness, was originally symbolical of earth, might now with more felicity be called a Butterboat, seeing how suddenly it may be broken. Mottoes make no pretensions to veratity. Jn vino veritas is branded with fraud, unless, indeed, veritas and cognac are synouymous terms. ‘ We make these remarks ‘simply to introduce two popular manuals, from which we propose to extract a few pungent peregraplia One requires no comment; and if its neighbour, Political Pathology, fails to convey clear idea, it is satisfactory to reflect that many sciences, fedlading Madleise and Music, have long enjoyed a similar privilege— that of concealing in curious phraseology their cherished mysteries :— Rickets in Bankruptcy.—To-a humane mind there is no more affectin, spectacle than that which is presented by rickets in Bankruptcy ; an Lilenthropiste may well pause and weep over the stunted objects of legislative negligence which crowd the so-called “ Seperior” Courts of our vast Metropolis. In passing along Basinghall Street, we are daily in danger of tumbling over one of those cachectic infants, whose natural flaccidity has been aggravated by its being injudiciously puffed. Some hydropathic doctors, we observe, have recently been throwing cold water upon it; but this mode of treatment, while it seriously alarms its anxious patent, has hitherto failed to inspire it with any additional vigour. Solicitous for its welfare, he alone listens with patience to all its little appeals. Tongue-tied.— Real Property —A lusus nature is now being exhibited in Liucoln’s Inn Fields, near the Royal College of Surgeons, which has = many distinguished eae The offspring of parents gely interested in land, ‘with tiful features of exquisite symmetry, and wearing a most inviting smile. | * = , it has no power over f e litt the organs essential to articulation le thing seems pleased when any one ‘notices it, which is very seldom, and is delighted when being transferred from hand to hand, to facilitate which, machinery is provided of the most ingenious description. With all this, one remark- ablefact remains: little BetHe1 (as it is fondly called), though addressed in’ the most endearing terms by him who takes a parental interest in it, has never yet answered! Would not ‘an operation of some sort be desirable under these painful circumstances? We should he glad to hear it make its existence known, even if it did so by something very like that token of emptiness—a wail. Cacoéthes loquendi — Mavillary Convulsions. — St. Vitus’s dance, startling as it is, must yield in vehemence to St. Stephens’s. It com- monly attacks the youngest members of the legislative family—the sufferer being seized with an irrepressible desire to get on No sooner is this effected, than his utterance becomes oracular, and after throwing off a large amount of declamation, the patient is sensibly relieved ; while his friends, overcome ,by sympathy, feel themselves completely exhausted. If jong coufined to the House, the unhap man will probably sink into a state of chronic boredom. He should, therefore, as soon as convenient, be removed to a purer atmosphere. Spontaneous Eruptions— Autumnal Rash—To this disorder Eoglishmen are said to be more subject than Foreigners.—It sometimes shows itself at Mechanics’ Institutions, but more frequently at Agricultural Meet- ings, when South-downs are brought on the éapis simultaneously with China and Japan, and Presmpent Lincoun is impaled on the Short- horns of a dilemma. The ‘patient, if ‘a Minister, becomes t and betrays a sweet simplicity in telling all his little affairs to those that sit under him. For example, speak at great length about the House of which his seven years’ lease will shortly expire, and show how he has pmeane his covenants by exhibiting his Policy. If he com- plains of a chill from the House being too cold for him, it is an-almost unerring sign of approaching dissolution. Tories’ Nostalgia—Home-Ofice Sickness,—Mountaineers cam in, in distant climes are often overtaken by an intense longing for their native hills. ‘The malady is called home-sickneéss. Tories’ Nostalgia is, in like manner, a morbid condition caused by long ‘involuntary absence from place. The melancholy Member, separated from patronage and all that he holds most dear, will sit for hours on ‘a bench, gazing at vacancy. As the memory of lapsed bishoprics dawns upon him, some natural tears he sheds, akin to those which fell when he and his lost companions, long ago, with faltering steps and slow, from _olfice ‘took their solitary way. Sometimes ‘he fancies he can improve his condition by going down to the coma, and getting up an exhibition of dissolv- ing views, and, emboldened by a little genial applause, will often terrify his rustic audience by conjuring‘with an empty sack which once ‘held wheat at eighty shillings a quarter. beodines a | of profit to their milliners. Husbands A ‘Goop Man ror a Lone VoyaGe.—A | Pe RTE Oe I ream eam EEE Ny = ai sg ae a Le Tes

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 24, 1864. THE ARISTOCRACY MANUFACTURING THEIR WARES FOR AN INDUSTRIAL EXHIBITION. Taz Doxe 1s Knittine a Stockine; tHe Ducuess 1s Maxine a Parr or Srrone Boots; tHe Duxe’s Broruer 1s EMBROIDERING (wor a Perricoat); Taz Duke's SisterR-In-Law HaS BEEN BuitDine a Mops IroncLaD; AND THE DvukKk’s LITTLE GIRLS ARE HELPING WITH. SUGGESTIONS. RIVAL TRANSLATORS. (4 Corridor in an Aristocrat's Mansion. Bust of Homer on the Wall. Enter the Fant or Denny, meeting Lonps PatMeston and SHAFTESBURY.) Lord Derby. A! how are you both? Horrid cold wind, isn’t it ? Lord Palmerston. Atrocious !—bites one to the marrow. Lord ere: It is not pleasant to our carnal natures, but we have no right to object to any of the apemgenetta of Providence. Lord D. Very proper observation—highly proper. And what’s the news, gentlemen of the Ministry ? Lord §. I am not a Minister, my dear Lorp Dersy. Lord D. What’sinaname? The thing we call a Bishop-maker by any other name would look as sweet. Tell us what’s going on ? Lord P. 1 am; for I don’t like this draught. Lord D, There—the man has shut the red door—all right. Besides, you ought to be afraid of nothing. The Morning Advertiser says you are sempervirent. : : Lord P. Lam.as-much obliged to him as if I had the least idea what he means. You are a great translator, tell me. Lord D. Have you read my Homer ? f Lord P. 1 am keeping it for a treat in the Christmas holidays. But I am told that it is a grand thing. Lord S. I only regret that so much energy and ability have been wasted on a Pagan writer. Tord D, Homer wasn’t a Pagan—ask Giapstonz, who has found the Thirty-nine Articles in the J/iad, and the Athanasian Creed in the ssey. — S. You make me smile, but I must deprecate levity. Lord D. Do you hear that, Patmerston? But there is nothing like levity about you, is there ? dP. (trust not. We meet on the seventh of February, by the way. Friends at a distance will please accept this notification. Lord D. Absit omen—is the Cabinet moribund? Receive the assurance that I have no sinister intentions. Are we to have a Reform Bill? Lord P. How should I know? Lord D, That’s true.: But you will give us a hint, I am sure, when | RussExL.L and Grsson have made up their minds. It would only be chivalrous. Lord P. My dear Dersy, you have been with Giaucus and Diomep until you have forgotten that we live with Branp and TayY.or. Lord D. Have I, have I? You shall see, a couple of months hence. Our souls are in arms, and eager for a division. The Angel will be down upon you at the shortest notice. Lor I must request that you will not call Mr. Disraexi by that name. It is indecorous for so many reasons. Tord P, Hang it, AntHony, he chose it atOxford, and the parsons made no objection, but laughed like fun, and so they did when he made the joke about everlasting—— Lord §. (interrupting). Pray, my dear friend, let us show ourselves more serious than he. Surely, we can find other topics for conversation. I hope, Lozp Dersy, that you have quite recovered from your gout. Lord D. Jubes renovare dolorem—I had rather you talked about my friend DisRaz11’s infirmities than mine. But I am much obliged to you; and, as the children say, I am quite better. I trust that you, my dear SuarresBuRy, will never be visited with the same affliction, as it might ions you to use Anglo-Saxon in a way for which you might be penitent afterwards, : Lord P. Yes, isn’t it pleasant? And Horack WaALpPote calls it a remedy, and says we ought not to try to cure it. x ‘ Lord S. There he is wrong, because we ought never ‘voluntarily to remain in a condition which prevents our attending to our duties. Lord P. That’s just the argument which the Abbess of some French convent used against vaccination—it involved a voluntary abstinence from mass, Lord S. The blinded, benighted, bigoted Papist! Lord D. I thought he was going to be still more alliterative—and call her a —— booby, which would have been rude,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL—Decemper 24, 1864. a SLAM LMA Y Adit La aid MU ES wa riataee A. th a RIVAL TRANSLATORS. Dersy. “SEEN MY HOMER? ARE EITHER OF YOU TRANSLATING ?” Suarressury. “ WHAT! I AND PALMERSTON? WZ TRANSLATE NOTHING BUT BISHOPS.”

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ee ae... Se =aw = =U OVS eee ae ROP COL GF MPF PrAe Os |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON; CHARIVARI: rage ead ong thé Bishops, whem. he he does aap To. be sure, a of the abolition of marital punish- tes Assassins ought to 0 assassins ? Not your. friends who who have. restored order in | him as no gentleman could mean dis cals selon’ those quarters, you must mean—— . Will it to yourself, if I tell you? : Tam antothieae i Ee ees paar Pors ineluded,) pane 5 is poate, Med Pe’ You are a first-rate translator, my dear Dae. also has his merits as a poet. Desa be sy something Uk SR oe Very. i bdo ra my nig . We nay Baa fhi resin use) pignaiste sthing bob Biahrps, my leisure in a Pattie imitate me, MR. PUNCH’S HANDY-BOOK OF THE STAGE. (CHAP. T¥.—80ME. oaneren RULES FOR ACTING, Fanny, geen of the Wee, Ae, oF should, be, in the last, You may Pats you ou, ea she is pretty sure to put out all who Subservient. to ee oe Eth icture. the same A. rtant, impo . page mind the and to enhance, your value in the eyes bat Pom) . ns aout A and, —_ ithe, t Tt passes fro to im ive sie SHAKSPEARR’ 8 idee ae Debit balding. the, winrar .u to Nature be le other and higher objects, there is no a hiection to it; her, she may be thrust on one side, ever oat at that while on the stage, you ought to consider a avoid distracting your mind Seapdorntion cf the pte in the. piece, and mn 9 things, of yourself. a an It. is yours to produce.a fayour- | a m must. never allow. anna given you breniay them, vin y no’ yeplay are a ta perpetnel mf + | an pag rei ey concentrated on the spe: S| ting out what you fe bility of face deteriiination. ‘There ar coveted to Ry he 1 a surest is to fs a aoe Pare pt spech, being 4 as ay rg pe onal speech for send Torco heap peg wr = properly looked after, on the selfish plea that i icular point, » woald he incvsstabeab vith He chssapter, ais that pony Salton tin stage: canafalie-dikingnished t ic| Sf people in acta! lie This applies oth to serious aad comic stage. walk is, howev: generally practised in. that it.is hardly. necessary to tasianen th ala, Your stage. voice ice should be equally distinguishable from. that you when off the stage. I do not refer a the audible. i and £ = tas 5B iw 8 5 d Z tt : 4 tinctness of enunciation required to. make of, the, larynx, al to practise as.a. general at rant ih rapes i your part is.a not. assurance that may with.it. beg aoe eee eben t up.into exaggerated course..is ies. i any case, must. be detérminad by.. . Hither. oan pee ap veh t ery ne proseratives from drowning “ ” used to be much trusted in as: They are still often useful in keeping afloat theatrical reputations. Always work for a call at the fall Il of the curtain. If one comes, how- ever faint and doubtful, take it boldly. It. will be sure to swell to enthusiasm on your appearance behind the float. The public sores to recognise everything which shows a genial confidence in its jud, ment and generosity. If the call do not come of i it. is. as wi to have some friends in the house to remind the public of what it owes you. It is rare, in that a generous example is not followed by a British public, In the case.of the it is hardly necessary to pa that a little timely. precaution may ys secure, not. only but a shower of douguets, _may purchased. at a fnoderate rate, but of imposing size and. appearance, for this perpoes, in Covent ~ ra Market, which is so conveniently situated ‘or our principal, iyi Hl § fe both for

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262 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemper 24, 1864. THE RIGHT MAN IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT SOUTHAMPTON. Tue Place is the Postmastership. The Man is Mr. Wiiam Cooper. The qualification of the latter for the former consists in a service of thirty years as Chief Clerk in the Southampton Post Office, and a special knowledge of its business acquired during that time. Mr. Cooper is a,sound Liberal, but the claims of the man to occupy the place are so much greater than those of anybody else, that they would be recognised by any Conservative Government which dispensed patronage with the least regard to merit. | A Government professing Liberal principles would, if it jacted on any principle at all but that of favouritism, ogpent Mr. Coorer to the Southampton Postmastership, | alt ough, instead of being on the right side, he were an | out-and-out Derbyite, and it were his fault that South- | ampton, as far as she is oy agp at is represented | bya Tory. These things being considered, we should not wonder if the right man, Mr. Coorsnr, were actually put by | the Postmaster-General under Lonp Patmenrston into the right place—the Postmastership of Southampton. | t | ‘ MORE GERMAN-ENGLISH. ‘ Tue satisfaction which Mr. Punch expressed, some time ago, at the progress of the English ne in Bonn, has |excited emulation in other parts of the Continent. He |has received several interesting letters from worthy Ger- | mans, eager to show that they too have mastered our tongue, ‘and he selects a notice which is hun up in the bed-rooms | of an hotel in the City of Evil Smells, on the Rhine. He has not tried the place, and therefore abstains from crowding it with the myriads of travellers who would rush | thither, did he name it. But if the physical entertainment | offered there be as good as the literary entertainment afforded by the notification, the Hotel must be a very | excellent one :— “TO MY GUEST. | “Inthe interest of the Visitors who will honour my hotel with . y their presence, i dont fail to inform that they have not to give any I ae rai = A oe people oe Had my house, = t also THE AWFUL APPARITION is nchued in the Account they have to Pay and Eherefore nobody cu THaT APPEARED TO Mr. SkgaRY, ON GETTING HoME aFreR THE Spreitcval SEANCE eiemaaranernniereenr ater ttes:. a (aND LITTLE SuPrsR), AND WHICH HAD SUCH AN EFFEcT ON HIS NERVES THAT ‘ HE COULD Not Go TO Busmvess THE NEXT Day. EprraPH oN AN ANGLER.—“ Hooked it.” 4 =~ > The report of the first Sitting might be something of this sort :— THE ITALIAN PARLIAMENT. The proceedings were commenced by Signor Costa taking his seat in , - a lah the ped ree which is so situated as to divide the Mem of the Success in Parliamentary ae is not to be obtained in a day, Opposition from those siding with the Government. The entrance of and we in England, who after hundreds of troublesome years, are now| this distinguished leader was the signal for a burst of irrepressible b g our. tive Assemblies into something like + ney neem applause, in which the wives, daughters, cousins, and other female should not withhold from our Continental friends any assistance that may saidions of the Senators, thronging the ies, most enthusiasticall encourage them in the excellent constitutional course they have lately | jjined. Order being restored, Signor Costa spoke a few words good adopted. : umouredly to the First Violin, who replied in a semi-tone, which We regret to observe that a want of harmony characterises the pro-| was inaudible in the reporters’ gallery, and, after tapping his desk ceedings of the Italian Parliament. O Italy! Land of song! can such | sharply with his Sdé¢om, he flourished it once in the air, and then, as things be! Melancholy, but true. Is there not a remedy? Ay,|one man, the orchestra gave the first note of the overture to there is. Where are those musical swallows flying, flying South after | Jtaliani in Algeria. The performance of this great work was most the London Season is over? We wish no possible harm to VictoR- | admirable. ; : . : Emmanvet, but jwouldn’t he, just to oblige a lady, abdicate in favour) The motion that “This House do form itself into a Committee of of Mapame Grist, to be henceforth known only as Queen of Italy. | Druids” having been acceded to, Sicnor Ciampt, the Minister of Could His Hoxmvess object to this? Wherever the capital of Italy, | Religion, having in the kindest manner undertaken the music of Oroveso, wouldn’t every one, ay even now, flock to hear QuzEN JULIA THE| led the “4h, del tedio al giogo indegno,” in which the entire Senate Fiast open the Session with “Casta Dic?” CiaLDINt might be | solemnly joined. 'We would suggest that another time the Members entrusted with a double bass, a big drum, or a trumpet, on any one of | of the Opposition should bave their white beards and wigs ready to which he might learn a few notes, unobjectionable to an audience and | slip on directly the chorus commences, as some delay was occasioned pleasant to himself. by their want of foresight. Bs. " At “ Norma viene, le cinge la chioma”’ the House rose in a body, and The cast of the new Administration should be as follows :— Quaex JuLia_ majestically entered the building, and having ascended a : the steps leading to the Throne, at once commenced the immortal Minister of War . ° ‘ . . SicNor Mario (as the Count Almaviva). “ Casta Diva? Oppositi ~—. a ag me feo Ss Fon & Se It will not be out of place to remind those Members of the i oe rt tan 4 No, No!”’) tit ies glee ba lature, who are unacquainted with, or unable to sing the eet = Minister of Finance . . . . SiGNor Ronconi. they ought not to attempt to join in here and there, nor to venture Secretary of State for Foreign Affaire. SiGNor TAGLIAFICo. upon any other melody than that set down for them. We would HomeSerdary . . . . . SIGNOR GruGuMNI. respectfully point out to the ladies in the gallery, that they should avoid Minister of Religion, dc. =. . . SiGNoR Cramer. turning over the leaves of their books during the solos. All these Usher (the Gentleman known in books = N. (Nonopy Nows.) 7o be filled —_ | defects will, doubtless, be remedied before our next Sitting. Sielivdioas . . - +3 upascconsion may require. After the song and chorus the Queen retired, and Signor Mario The whole under the personal Direction of SiaNor Costa. (for whose hoarseness a printed apology was circulated throughout the —

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Dzcempne 24, 1864] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

House) declared, in recitative, the Parliament opened. Strange to say, we never heard him in voice. Stexor Roncont, who was greeted with long and loud applause, then rose and sang. ‘The first part of his speech, on the Budget, was chiefly addressed to the country members ; he began—“ Udite, udite, O Rustic, non fiatate.” (Bravo, Fi, Bravo !) The honourable Member rged to remind ie gentle whose applause was no doubt ironical, that he a peared t as rp CR to ¢ . (Bravo! Bravissimo /) He into prestitsimo, and we were totally unable to follow him. The honou gen’ concluded the movement with (as near as we could catch the words) “ pik d’ un’ afflitta vedova di piangere cesso.” Chorus. (Oh !) then me farther explanations. But what with the i Pe ee eee the un 2 is of the chorus, who = i i the and the fact of the ‘we were unable to hear d ly more sounded to us remarkab ~ Cosi great deal of r i oo by N. N. and the other ushers. hs the debate, we, for the benefit of the English sh who interested in our progress, transfer to our columns from 1 gran othe’ Minister of Finance went off from

icial capacity. inister of War (recitative). My friend and . are around me! (chord ) Tus oe wit I love to see ye, and with <a (chord), And now to work, to business! chords, after which the Aria.) How sweetly throbs tof an eminent Translator of Libretti, who was present | (Aside.) But tear myself away Oh, how that task perform ! Chorus. Oh, heavens ! Minister of War (continues). Italia, oh Italia ! A thousand voices raise Their ery. ! Revenge no ids knows, Chorus. What rapture! He is some great one! Secreta State. Upon the hills of Rom pe Leader of Opposition (aside). With rage my heart is bursting. Chorus (vaguely). How? Oh, torment ! Minister of Religion (rising), Waar ay weld tee. Who have changed their dealing with this hand. Signor Mario. The Sitting (chord) is (chord), concluded ! (Chord, chord), |r joy! Oh happy day ! All. Teader g ition my ; tap With rage, his {he is bursting ! our ! hurrah! We must be silent! Huzza! Joy! joy! Let the bottle make up for our labours. (They retire, and the Ushers clear the gallery and close the House for Sorry And ifafter this Italians neglect the hint, all we can, say is, we are | cry for them. "

My beating heart !

7 MR. MANTALINI IN HYSTERICS. “have lived te attaghad le ve lived to Mr. Mantalini. Yiven the man-milliner’s gentle soul has been aroused inst us. “Thelittle dogs, ray, Blanche, and Sweetheart,’ barked at King Lear, he said, je what a vere Oe do; whines against Mr. Punch. If it were not rather a vulgar little dog, we should say it was the tiny ,one which the Prince in the fairy tale had to find for his Fa. r. Mantalini (as the a ee , whe Wwearl of turning the mangle, looked out for other occupation, and ulti- mately became editor of Le Follet, We knew this, but never told, and we have been very kind to him, for the sake of many merry

memories. But we regret to , that “Arrrep” has turned naughty, and scolds us demnatly. He is a very naughty Aurrep, for he sets out with a declaration that he wishes to imitate another ALFRED, now extinct who presided over “a thousand worlds, peopled with millions o little opera-dancers.” What would Madame Mantalini say to that ? ALFRED is very pietl, and much as we like him, we must ask Madame Mantalini give him ever so little a rap with a stay-bone on his little knuckles, for spoiling so pretty a paper as Le Follet with this wilful, wayward writing :— “ Punch used to be demnably funny, and his pippetty-poppetty pokes made one ash lihe—theiemeiion But whata pee talline of yon but a very low and ungenteel mind could have found anything rude in what proceeded from our angel of a little gold pen, and perfumed ink (oh, so nice, dem it), we were writing a little tickley-wickley article about our patronesses, the adored and enchating ies of fashion. The rude beast—he shall be horsewhipped till he cries out demnably, Our first will not prove to be our last word with Punch though such low company, gives us a headache, as if fifty thousan bonnet boxes had tumbled down upon our head at once.” and wii dear fellow, as to accuse you of Pau} And way will ou, al ming own swe k i eal jog of the Saank ae = wy im SOO SALI: aS you Say, caus ; Bre shen for ak canst You are very . we allow. Yi aught is in y style in which Mr. Punch is But then, most eee AtrrepD, who launch these epigrams, have reasons for it. r. Punch has either refused their rubbish, or contignted their folly, or done them a kindnéss, or in some a eir spite. But for you, Mantalini, dear, he has never anything but the prettiest compliments—sugar-plum critiques—rosewater crackers. There is a compliment in the very article you are pettish about, pet, if you could only understand it. What has gone ng wi the poppet of Le Follet? Has it been eating too many mince-pies for luck before Christmas? That is sad, but Madame. mast ive it some gruel. We cannot be angry with our ALFRED, but he + a demnition goosey- gander. METEOROLOGICAL APPOINTMENT. Everysopy has heard of the Clerk of the Weather Office, but: nobody ever supposed that the Office so called was one of the Government Offices, notwithstanding the existence of ApMrraL Frrzrox’s depart- ment, Still the gallant Admiral who presides over that department. is not generally imagined to have any control over the weather. It is, however, easy to foresee the questions which will occur to 1 single- minded persons on reading this announcement, extracted from the Edinburgh Courant :— “‘ SUPERINTENDENCE OF NORTHERN LiGHts.—Mar. Youna, Engineer o! f the Light- house Steamer Pharos, has received the appoin t of Superintendent of Northern Lights, vacant by the resignation of Mr. Scorr.” : Is it possible that the Northern Lights, of which Mr. Scorr has resigned the superintendence, are the same as those referred to by a namesake of Mr. Scort’s in the Lay of the Last Minstrel ?— “* And he knew by the streamers that shot so bright, That the Spirits were riding the Northern Light.” And has the Admiralty actually appointed Mr. Youne to superintend the Aurora Borealis ? oon ; il

To Cambridge Students. Te Cambridge anthorities have given out this as the subject for the Latin epigram this year :— «“ adde catenas, Kffugiet tamen hac sceleratus vincula Proteus.” They request Mr. Punch to inform competitors that there is to be no allusion to the DavenrorT humbug, suggestive. though the adjective

may be.

|

Now,. Atrrep, this is very unkind. When have we been so

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decumper 24, 1864, Poor Spricchks (WHO 1s aN Enercetic DaNcER) HAS MET WITH 4 SAD MisuaP. IN FACT, HB HAS BURST BIS BRACES. [General Commiseration misapplied and wnavailing. THE WONDERS OF MODERN TRAVEL. THE JOURNEY—(Concivupzp). Wonper if that’s my portmanteau that that elderly gentleman is taking away with him. - a Wonder if they’ll send to meet me at the station. Wonder (if they don’t send) whether there’s.a fly or an omnibus. Wonder where their house is. ’ Wonder if the station-master knows where their house is. Wonder what a fly will charge. Wonder what I shall do if they don’t send, and there isn’t a fly or an omnibus. : Wonder what time they dine. Wonder if I shall have time to write a letter before dinner. Wonder, for the sixth time, whether I gave my writing-case to the guard, or left it in the cab, Wonder if I did leave it in the cab. Wonder if this is where I get out. SMALL STATION. Wonder if the guard is right in saying that as, I’m going to Redditon, it doesn’t matter whether I get out at the next station | Stonnhurst, or Morley Vale, the next but one. Wonder for which my luggage was labelled. : Wonder whether i at Stonnhurst I shall have to go back for my } re to M ale. Wonder if [ do right in deciding upon getting out at Stonnhurst. STONNHURST. Wonder if my luggage has on to Morley Vale. Wonder if Lleft umb eee os eat to lung Bi. Wonder how far it . from Stonnhurst to a Vale. Wonder if they.’ve sent a trap to meet me at Morley Vale. Wonder why, when people invite one to come down to some out-of- -way ‘ don’t tell one all these difficulties in their letter. Wonder if they’ll have sense enough to drive to Stonnhurst fro: Morley Vale. Wonder if I shall meet them on the road, if I walk there. Wonder which is the road. i ber in answer to demand at the station-door where I put my icket. Wonder if I dropped it in the carriage. Wonder what I can have done with it. Wonder if I put it into the side pocket of my over-coat when I took out my lights. Wonder where the deuce my over-coat is. SHYLOCK AND SOAPSUDS. Iw a recent police case, a matron of the washerwomanish persuasion was charged with passing a bad half-crown in payment to a small trades- man of the nation absurdly called the Jewish persuasion. She did not seem to disclaim knowledge that the coin was.not. from the QuEEN’s Mint, but defended herself by alleging that the complainant had.a bit of lead under the seale in which he put the article sold. It was SHERIDAN over again—the coachman said, “ A bad shilling, your Honour! ”—* All right; yours is a bad coach.” The tradesman gave false weight, the | customer gave false money. Was this a case for legal interference, or was it not an instance of the healthy way in which commerce adjusts net if only let alone? The plaint was dismissed on low groun a8 usual, but the pnts wes have appealed to the laws of high politi- cal economy. e rather admire that washerwom care to entrust her with our best shirt. an, but should not Unpublished Anecdote. Foors fell asleep while Orre was taking his portrait. On leaving, the painter pressed the wit to give him another sitting. “On one con- dition,” pat Foors, “ that you do nat give me another opiate.” “ Dome Bantmc.”—Pocketing half a dozen of his pamphlets, and not stopping to pay for them. h im the Covaty of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. li, Bouverie et, the Precinct of City of London, and Published by them at No. 8, Fleet Street, in the P: of St. Bride, City — UT) ee a «a

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Decemsper 31, 1864.) PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 265 COOL, BUT SEASONABLE. Swell, “ Wxit, JoNEs, WHO ON EARTH ARE YOU NOW IN FOR?” Sheriff's Officer. “I arn’? In FOR NO ONE; BUT I CALLED TO SEE WHETHER YOUR Honour WOULDN’T Give ME a CaristMas Box, cause I HAVE BEEN HERS A MANY TIMES DURING THE YEAR.” NO MORE BURSTING OF WATER- PIPES! Sin,—Permit me to offer the public a hint, ‘S| which, at the present festive but wintry season, is calculated to prevent great inconvenience in families, and save a large and res le class of tradesmen from an overwhelming excess of business. Persons who attend to those signs of the Times which ApwrraL Fitzroy daily publishes in that journal, and also keep a weather-eye open to their own cheek, will generally be enabled to foresee the approach of a frost. If they will then immediately take the precaution of turning the stopcocks of their waterpipes, so as to set the water dripping, if ever so slowly, that will suffice effectually to prevent the water in the pipes from freezing, and the pipes from con- sequently bursting. This suggestion, to be sure, has not the merit awe | of novelty, but it may never have been known \|to some, and may have been forgotten by : | others, and it may be felt to come with more weight from A PLUMBER AND GLAZIER. Solder Street, Christmas, 1364. [We have much pleasure in requesting our generous correspondent to consider himself deco- rated with the medal of the Society for the —e of Disinterested Benevolence.— UNCH. No Cure and High Pay. Quack medicine not only does not cure the simpletons who have recourse to it, but makes them worse. The practice of a Quack Doctor is the most objectionable of all sine-cures. THE KING OF PRUSSIA TO HIS ARMY. Tue glorious warfare with Denmark is ended ; Hurrah for the strong with the weak who contended ! You’ve won glorious prey with your rifles and sabres ; And have you not gloriously slaughter’d our/neighbours ? Nigh fifty years Prussia’s arms ne’er have been gor 4 Save once, for a spurt; you’ve renewed their old glory ; The privilege yours of that d operation, Dismemberment, done on the small Danish nation. Proud Prussia, be thanked your heroic endeavour, ll Diippel and Alsen remember for ever ! Whilst up to your noses in bloodshed you waded, My fleet, undismayed, the brave massacre aided. My august ally’s forces with you, too, were landed, Together me conquered the Danes single-handed. Heaven’s blessing rests on you for special occasion, You ’ve been faithful, obedient, and brave in invasion. While you against Denmark, on pretext of righting Oppressed nationality, bravely were fighting, One part of my army, with prowess surprising, Prevented my bad Polish subjects from rising. With joy and with pride I survey you, my glorious Whole forces, returning with plunder, victorious ; Heaven further watch over Prussia, and bless her, And still of her neighbours’ possessions possess her. Ecclesiastical Intelligence. “ Tue revival of the Monastic System within the English Church, would,” said the Reverenp Vicar or Bray, “ bring back evil times to the Church.” “Nay, my friend,” quoth Brotuer Ienattvs, “*t would restore not the evil but the medi@va/ times.” So saying, he retired. A Curistmas Present.—The Tip of the Year. SOMETHING LIKE A SCULLING MATCH! Rowmye readers of the Bristol Mercury, on Saturday, the seven- teenth, must have been a little startled by the following :— Great Boat Race.—The race between Frank Kitspy and Davip CoomBes (son of the late ex-champion), for £200, from Putney to Margate, came off on Tuesday. The betting finally settled at 6 and 7 to 4 on Coombes. They got off to an excellent start. CoomBEs won by 45 seconds. The writer well may call this a “ great” race, if it be true that the two men did really row from Putney all the way to . And how surprising that the winnerin such a match as this should have headed his opponent by but five and forty seconds! It must have been a long pull, and a strong pull, and a pull well together. Matches usually take place from Putney merely up to Mortlake: but instead of fancying there has been a misprint, we prefer to put on record, for the benefit of some Macavtay of the future, this proof of the gigantic powers of our oarsmen which this British print describes. CANNIBALISM IN THE LAND OF CAKES. Ar the last meeting of the Anthropological Society, according to a report of that learned body’s ag sy ng, “the question of cannibalism was taken up rather warmly by Mr. M. Cray, a native of Caithness, who was anxious to a his ancestors from such a charge.” Mar. Cray argued that “the fact of the finding of a single jaw-bone of a child among shells and bones, the refuse of food, was no proof of cannibalism.” Certainly. An iso! fact is no proof. It is ques- tionable evidence. But what if that particular fact did prove can- nibalism? Of itself it would establish nothing more than the existence of a pre-historic Sawnzy Bean, no ancestor, necessarily, of Mx. Cuar. At present cannibalism is unknown in the Land of Cakes. Horse has been eaten by some Frenchmen ; but no Scotch Sabbatarian has as yet dined off donkey. HE GREAT ROPE.TYING MISS-TERY is pletoriefy the last page of Punch’s Almanack, which contains a Professor Puncu was tied in such a way that he had no Don't be fool enough to go and give a guinea for a séance, Wi for Threepence shows you how to do the trick. explained in picture of how to free himself. the Professor here VOL, XLVII,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ducemper 31, 1864. NOTE FROM A COOKOO. EnTainty the following advertisement —— at- tention :— ANTED, for a Sees woman cook: wages 10 object, if paid regular! ; seve ees saab jena wisheon if “ ment states, all found. Your Petitioner Honourable House and others, a the humble Petitioner for the Lord Mayor’s Day, whi Banquet sheweth, &c., &c., &c. Here, if you please, is the— ‘ORDER OF THE BANQUET. The Third Course—Pumphandles rampant, witha Bar-sinister stewed. Gules in the corner The First Course. be utton, by mistake. Dyring this the band, from the nearest footman’s hat, will play a morsel. Second Dish.— ane vb tare. Side at to be eaten in silence unde: the table. Lights out, and all hands epethae’ “a ng wy be after seven. Casts | in bonnets ei oicenk an tek tem, The r this dish must , boat and all, forced down the throat of of the hiceling Greengrocer. Fifth Dish.—Jack Puddings. sections for eating; open your mouth, shut your eyes, and see what you'll get. “Fands across, al Struggle with the butler who brings in the | +, beef. Upset the gravy. Give no quarter! Down with him even to fhe does )! See ae Rental enctel, waste to churches. Let him move if he — ane oe sss pe Vepietice will of course be under the able diseetion of Mz. Dessert.—Great attention has been paid to this department ; so there will nee | be any. em been one te to he yn! this repast the most perfect of ™ Hed on ever yet witnessed, out of metropolitan and the surround- ing districts (hear, hear /), and if the { Statues of the ot egg (ironical cheers) will but Spey pd ei ym tgp (tumult: poo applause, which ing his name and ra dary ‘yeh THE COLENSO CASE. (N.B.—During the hearing of this case the galleries hape teen thronged by Ladies.) Scunz—Drawing-room in Mrs. Coppix’s house. Bima, four o'clock. The Rev. Navwanret Pamsy, @ young Curate from the Country, has just dropped in to partake of “ the cup that cheers.” Mrs. Coddle (using a hand-screen). As As yon gh Paasor, this Coxznso affair is a very serious The Rev. Pamby cag & the fire Pa we ng Oy —_, sen t ne for a day or two. - to (Ruminating on er side, Mire. Codd, »! it ’s so interesting. You commuunica- | ( Mr. Pamsy, now you’re here, eens =: of the case ? Reo. Mr. Pamby (rather taken aback). The Conamso bat Sa Of course } Siow wrote ae 0 V 0 the—(means ; entateuch,” | quite Reo. scenes (coming to the reseue, and asserting his superiority). le (mach rl relicved—gratefully), Yes, that’s it. (Doesn't opie Pamby. Well—er—you see it’s & and intri- cate matter ; one, perhaps, that eo es but refreshes his ‘intellect wit 4 sip of tag) —well, the point is [Seroant enters, and Yin the usual grectingn, Gud the eoseeary telvodnetian, Go eomnarntian © ts thus Mrs. Mudélle Lam so tired! I've been ia Court all day. Mrs. Coddle. In Court ? Mrs. Muddle. Yes, hearing the case which of wm iyed, interests you, — i going to say “‘ Danpy,” but checks herself, and confesses her I beg your pardon (turning to Mus. Copp1z), I disin’t q quite catch the-—— Rev. Mr. Pamby eo and meekly). Pams Mrs. Muddie. Mn. Pamay—(the Reverend ciaitinen bows smilingly)— of course it interests you ? Mrs. Coddle. Mz. Pamey was just telling me, my dear, as you came in, the 5 tag point of the case. Pamby (waiving his right to be heard). But you, Madam, a just, phe from it, and so of course are better able to—to—— Muddle, I’ve followed it closely in what they call an official ca pci Coddle. Official, my dear—— Mrs. Muddle. Yes; "I’m sure Mr.—Mn.— tutes a form)—this Peng, ee will p~4. my it, And— you, what is LF ee and onnee ee ge ae ong 8 wr enating in the way of Si ) , a 1 m Sorte ie ‘ i and bs = fe Soetetet § i, ~ oy ‘ournal, and here are my n Mrs. Coddle, Oh, do \et’s hear them. : Rev. we 5 I should so like, if it would not be ioo much trouble—— Mrs. Muddle (making a show of reluctance). it will be boring you. saying, as you came Mrs. Coddle. Boring, my dear! I was only j mae og or ha aly inst ho. (Joins in the duet, rs. Pam es, we were Only just saying, oins in ue and corroborates Mus. Copp1z’s statement), Mrs. Muddle, Well, then, the case is this. (Refers to her notes.) First, the Bishorp——oh no, I won’t begin with that. No—you must know that the a. or—or, rather, I should say, to make it clearer, for it is a little difficult to make you understand whole case at once (her friends nod and smile )—yes— well, you see, the BisHor or Carz OWN one ia a Synod with 7 — when | and one who hadn’t anything to to do with the and the time-|TDz. Gray—no, I mean Dr. Conznso, who’s the Bishop of then when a Suffer Bishop (Rgv. Pamay thinks that she “ Suffragan”’ perhaps ‘oon is sent away, he has a right to bot he 8 to the Crown in Council, - least the kre ak | nner dagne was a Felling es, a patent, Ww, OF refers notes)—no (spelling lie ok s) a ee e—it’s A raeson out—no, precedent, And Siz Hvuex Carens says that there was a Lucy (he didn’t mention the sur- oe who quarrelled with get or 82. Davin’s. 1 nag exactly catch whether Lucy was his ig or not, or any Dz. Coumnso, but ti owe Coenen iat — the position of the Church in the Mrs. Coddle (sagely). Ab! Rv Mz. Haas a “ 4h!” too, amd thinks he ought, to get the relation to nce; but ¢ thing to ¢ up thoroughl eet i hn 1 Ok. u's inost ‘interesting. You see the Quzen in boas ees li!

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, = = — *-. wWwreawertc wwe ' vse Eo PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Decumpsr 31, 1864.) Thinks.) Now, what I’ve got something here Count be nae — Oe Thinks.) ~ Now, what was that ?—a statue of - ig dae ( It can’t be C Cross—no, that’s CHARLES THE !—well—(gives up the point)—at all the question is, whether er the Bal of Natal was “aes by the ae or Cant Rev, Mr. P. (hile surprised), But surely-——~ Mrs. Muddie. l assure you that’s the legal tor followed every word. (Zhe Rev. Mz. Pamsy makes up his mind to get up the ¢ thoroughly.) And—let me see—if the AxcHBIsHOP conquered it, then Dr. Gray is no Bishop at all, or Da. Coxenso is no Bishop at all—one or the se there ’s no jurisdiction > dane Mrs. Coddle (horrified). You don’t say 80 Mrs. Muddle, Yes, m y dear, that’s Tux thing. notes)—let me seo” Gath = “Contract ”— recollect —(resumes)—so that if Bisuor Cotenso took BisHor or Care So that at (iret to oan to o the Town—then the contract between there deprived of, or not, as he tke, rt A An to the mt in ‘ou see ? rs. Yeo, nk Tao no says she doesn’t, she’ll have it all again). Yes, I I see it now. With truth.) But it is a very oy subject to unders . dest in i Three Srmand. vi oe yo, Mr. cite Yom. oom, me ks Ae cot) A ee fm “Bot Ens, youl, x, Be, Good Rev. ye THE SANDWICHES’ PETITION. “700 BoarD-man have been thrown out of work by a recent order of the Police Commissioners against these perambulating advertisers.” Pity the sorrows of an animated Sandwi Wich his outside wages, well-beknown to: *s a bob a day: But is often done or, os wich its wery ’ard lines, and which The party as pk hey boards stops a brown off your pay. The Crushers they are 4s down A on us, the found men ot cos we cumbers, - The world—wus ck,—’as always found men o’ letters in the wa, And though we’re bound in boards, and meee —e out in numbers, We’re hanything but pop’lar periodikles of We’ = dropped on by Sim RicHarp slag oa ae main-force he ’ve Pra'ps he ain't aware our wits ur board. How would Ae like our board-work take an *Ldden * And of, Placarded ali with posters, just like a Builder’s ’Oard. With a letter of the Halfabet above your shoulders braced, Just parade the Great Metro; spun rund in Capitals, like we Or try a pair 0’ posters « round your waist, As we do, for a bob, all day, red you would be! ’Ard is our boards, but ’arder still is cruel Boards o? Guardians ; You can’t save on a bob a , cold wittles though you heat ; As we braves all we've salen and tens But you can’t ul weather al pase r0 if they’re muster’d without meat, You that sleeps on snug four- on us that lives on éwo, a 7: ordi 3 posters, think With to make a livin’ gut of “ms af best an Siz Ricuarp, Dig us baal And unharridged by 4 1, J} Lae Queries for the Naval Schools. SAO oa mutton mu. proceed if were ordered to rig—the market ? ofa ship anything to do with its “ con- Punch's Almanack will be to look send out Place one in the hands of PUNCH’S PANTOMIME! (Zllustrating our Large Illustration.) GRAND POLITICAL TRANSFORMATION SCENE!! BLAZE OF GLORY FOR THE END OF 1864!!! (Tue Genres Barpawn1 arises, and by her side her beautiful and Savourite child, Poxcu. The various characters in the Drama of the Year throw off their disguises, and are announced as follows :— Britannia, | Christmas again! Let’s yield to mirth and laughter. Punch, Sermons and soda-water the day after. Britanns Phe Emperor. best ally, to hear is to ! Eh, Lampert? himpire c'est la paix / y. the pet of YY oyF ine, and ay in the dance. snub that oross old Fos par oy ng od es, The Presdent. ! Before [ the saddle Mere pont cuss — Britannia, Pam, sinee pre invariably go fan erect cal be our 4 atney, Clown. Lord Palm, Madam, at your command I feel much bolder— _ A blest dat yo younger, and a bottle-Aolder. Old Year, be 4 L. We’re weary of your face. ' 8. New Year, appear, and P1865 rises.] Britannia. the old one’s place! New Year. I’m all alive, ma, -” everybody thri Wive, strive, and hive n vette Sixty-Five. Punch, Now let the sports begin for which you ’re panting, Laugh and grow fat, and bother Mz. Bantine! I wish you all no end of jovial cheer, A Happy Christmas and a Gay New Year ! FRANTIC MIRTH AND MAGNIFICENT AND IMPOSING TABLEAU REPRESENTING PUNCH TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF INTO 1865. THE ADVERTISING-BOARDMAN’S CHRISTMAS CAROL. (Dedicated to the Police generally.) In this jolly Christmas weather Mast I coe the Work’us fare ? STM not yl oie tee. From one Dole {ke on dodeing The I keep on $ For when have r hae Tae es wen np Bee. ABE LINCOLN’S ENIGMA, Tux following from Mr. Linconn’s Message to Congress, may be pulang, pa is intelligible :— rs brigades and regiments have formed, and fought. and iwindle eu f- e mo out of exisrence, « ghost majority of the men who oom posed them are still ving.” How is it that certain corpo and divisions snd brigades and regi- ments, have, whilst a great majority of the men who composed them are still living, gone out of existence? That we can easily understand y considering them to have been Irish. non-existence of the Gon and the ya th of most of the men of whom they consisted, not, of course, to be reconciled by the supposition that the latter skedaddled. “ Companion To 7#8 AtmManack,”—Zhe Pocket-Book.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ducemezr 31, 1864.

EDUCATION FOR THE MIDDLE CLASSES. “PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE, AND SMOKE IT.” (Being Puncn’s Advice to Mn. Tuomas Rey- notps, Exr-Zailor, and now Secretary of “ The British Anti-Tobacco Association.’’) Aw old saw, sharp and slick _ Says “a cobbler should stick . To his last,” and now Punc# would invoke it, To teach Snip, though let loose, He should stick to his Put ¢hat in your pipe, Sir, and smoke it. Lest your virtue should fail, Why stop my cakes and ale ? Keep me thirsty for fear you should soak it ? Why must I stay at school Because you are a fool P— Put that in your pipe, Sir, and smoke it. From a good thing’s abuse ‘o rave ’gainst its use, Is mere folly, however zeal cloak it : Ass his ears most betrays When from platform he brays— Put ¢haé in your pipe,’ Sir, and smoke it. Heaven sent self-restraint . To mark sinner from saint, Whilst the law gave the lash for who broke it : I would rather trust Heaven, Than your sour platform leaven— Put that in your pipe, Sir, and smoke it.

Sozne—Toy-Shop. Enter highly educated Youth of Twelve. Pot and pipe on the pyre “ On, I want some Tor, OR CONJURING TRICK, OR SOMETHING THAT WOULD DO FOR an| Of your self-righteous fire orp GENTLEMAN OF Firty OR THEREABOUTS; MY GRANDFATHER, IN POINT OF Fact,—yYou| You lay, and with zeal’s hot coals stoke it : KNOW THE KIND OF THING, I DEssayY.” ut you nurse up the weeds That conceit on cant breeds— | Put ¢ha# in your pipe, Sir, and smoke it. ort : { Nor will now go to grass ) 1" ean SN For the kick of an ass— ' : ; tat Put ¢hat in your pipe, Sir, and smoke it. | Though you call to your aid The informer’s base trade. We'll not dance to the scrape of your bowkit: Still our cloud we will blow Spite of Reynoips & Co So, put ¢Aaé in your pipe, Sir, and smoke it. h oi : ul Ma Tobacco hath past < Le Sa NOTA Tarongh a King’s counterblast, = | ‘are ’ | Ns Lives to laugh at the crown’d fool who woke it :

MEDALS FOR MERRY MEN. _ Ow the entry into Berlin of the Guards return- i) | ing from the a of Denmark, and the slaughter Mm | of the Danes, according to one of Reuter’s tele- } | grams :— “The Kino or Prussia made a speech in which he aid that the Guards had added a new leaf to their glorious history. He announced that medals of commemoration would be granted to them, and medals to those regiments who had borne a part in the assaults on Dtippel and Alsen.” The new leaf.which the heroes, who, as the agents of his Prussian Majesty, have wrested Schleswig and Holstein from Denmark, and Papa, “ Writ, Lucy, Waat nas Miss TamuMer set you TO DO For To-moRRow!” plundered Jutland, will be generally considered Iney. “ Ou, Para, Dear, rv’s oN PNEUMATICS IN RELATION TO—BUT YOU REALLY WOULDN'T oF pe Tipnut on Pl pepe Aol een ee Se ew leaf. The history of Prussia is what a King who glories in ppm te A eiga in as a ARE YOU INVITED to s Christmas Party, ‘Then be sure Delors you go fo, purchase | which the Kino OF Exvasla tends to be . ° . talking of will be found in ite vonteats, and ho evening's Genverestion can be complete without allusion to it a4 = a mere my ee My stamped special medal whereby he designs to reward Pustic Scuoors.—In consequence of the great success of Phormio at Westminster, the | those of them that were concerned in the blood- Upper Eton Boys are thinking of getting up an original Comedy, to be entitled Sizth-| shed of Alsen and Diippel, should be emblazo Sormio. with a very crimson leaf of the red cabbage.

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oo. 2 everwE ee el Re ee ee PUNCH, , OR ‘THE E LONDON CHARIVARI. —Duocrmber 31, 1864, » oe = % Xx Mp Yr ys my Ly = ~ tf ar ; d i wl, he. yw. Ry a / sf O77 TT" GRAND TRANSFORMATION SCENE FOR THE END OF THE YEAR 1864.

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Re. at Ree aa ee : SMa ANAS aaaaa2s A444 AEs deeded Ae: MRARMRRRSSSSOCS OOS |

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Dacemuen 31, 1964) ae OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. \ My WK SS SOY ROA wW Clergymen made Scarce, 251 Close of the Exhi a 163 y wed Conversation, 108 Clumsy Clown (A), 142 *Gold Cura, Nery be 201 Case (The), ), 266 Soa nt Religions 5 Riots, 92 —— Ae ype 27 asumnoce Renita 2.8 requ, 3, 4 " A Homburg (The), 168 Gaviosts (A), 112 's Prize, 180 Jeceit in the Wash tub, of Zero (An), 281 24, 43, 165 Ece! News of the Week, 202 lesiastical Change of Ni 198 Ton vo Cclopen, 122 ality before the Tax-gatherer, 181 of Capitular Barbarism, 141 juette, Evening in O} (An), 122 Examinations for Ladies, 87 ‘tension of Fallow. “Foaing of Pr ), 233 Fine and Moral Dee 70 Fine Feathers for Fine Birds, 257 First ry aod Fn Flatte age, 908 Fi by our Florist (A), 225 Flowers and Slaughter, 58 Flowers from Le Follet, 204 Flunkiettes at Schwalbach, 152 Fiying Ladies, 123 Food for Confederate ae 184 Forensic ene on Political Patho- logy, 257 Form and 8u 109 for the Use of 105 ——. (A), 228 Fricwdiy tla ttle tile (A), 119 91, 1 rroas car, Epson Ouniativetor, 1, 104, Fron i “* Bt. Btephests Eine ana Cry,” es (The), 221 Suffolk, 115 Hat for Hat, 151 Happy Land ! 182 Heavy Charge, 99 Hey, for the Band of Hope, 205

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8 S) INDEX. ‘[Dromwezr 31, 1864. i | Mu niga ras 4 a sere? ES : a ! ji ye | rie F HE if a if Viceroy (The), 156 New _ Vote of Censure (The), Noble Army of Yankees, 100 New Whist- Rules (The), 79 No more Bursting of Water- Pipes ! 265 No Relief on 1 235 No Popery, 151 Nostrum $8 gs i i 3 i : i albioa's last Perfidy, 103 ae. of for Sorrows of a Poor Old—Bishop, § a® H Portrait Albums of Premature President Primate's 84 Speech, 287 Rules and Regulations on Visiting St. Rus be allway ta) 202 way Runsell's Rule of Two, 165 SazeataRianN Strong Language at Kirk- Sandwiches’ Petition (The), 267 Schoolmaster in Suffolk (The), 134 pot Bony oye 62 ** Second Column” of Punch (The), 67 Sentiments of one “‘ London Critic” (The) 214 Severe Scholarship, 245 Severity of the Scotch Sunday, 77 Shakspeare in Birmingham, 254 8) ‘s Library, 213 Shakspearian, 72 i eis Be. Royal British A Notification, Royal ; | luiet Watering-Places, pte Pat, 88 ces without Horses, 70 Difficulties, 125 Representative Man (A), 99 Rickt ‘Man tg thee ‘umber One, 100 t Man in the Right Place at South- ht Men in iital Translators, 2: Road to Ruin (The), 182 Sbakspearian Correction (A), 207 trian (The), 172 Sheq Short Whist, 109 Shylock and Soapsuds, 264 Sibyltine Leaf (A), 161 Simplicity is Charming, 187 Situations Wanted, 253 Snip’s Sensational Advertisement (A), 224 Snobs and Su in the Army, 115 Soft Words and Political Parsnips, 14 Soldiers’ School for Servants (The), 144 Solution of a Difficulty, 133 Some Compliment to Punch, 198 Something like a Sculling Match ! 265 like English, 165 Sometbing like Piracy, 8 : Sorse Prospect of a Millennium, 48 Song of the Advertising Surgeon, 255 Song of the Drains (The), 235 ng of the Prussian Slaves, 9 Spirit-moving Trade Intelligence, 28 Spoiling the emg 166 Sport and Sport, 154 Starvation Schooling, 194 Strange Stage Wants, 212 Street Architecture, 105 Supplemental Speech at the Bangor imner, 207 Sweet Vacation, 60 TEETOTALLERS and Traitors, 196 Testimonial to Lord Palmerston, 70 Tests of ‘‘ Mediumship,” 181 Texts Transposed, 5 Thankful for Small Mercies, 63 Theatrical Reflections, 187 Thieves’ Congress (The), 173 Throwing Stones from Across the Water, 28 Ticket of-Leave Queen (The), 165 Time for Ladies’ Tailors, 29 Time out of Joint, 198 Te 6 He ee Dupe of the Ghaste_ of /(A), 18 : of ne - peace 132 « lasgie, 182 7 'welve —— for those Tempted to 9 Two Corrections, 177 Two Good Reasons for Two Things, 23 Two Pearls in One Setting, 132 _ 228 ! Umbrella ; its Use and Abuse (The), 198 Unaccountable Bunkum, 231 4 Punch to the Art-Scholais Bazaar, 10 Visit to Mynheer van Dunk (A), 10?, 109 Visit to the Promenade Concerts Night, 20 nt Word, 24 1 from Wimbletion (A), 50 Wanted, a Pohcy! 27 War with Germany, 224 Waxing Wrath, 243 Way to Meet the Times (The), 81 Weather and the Parks, (The), 232 t, Wi the Wise, 67 Where there's Smoke there ’s Fire, 154 Who are the Sneaks? 14 Griffith?” 50 Who will Prop the Pope? 212 Who will Teach the ‘teachers? 174 Who would not be a Governess? 155 way ome » 17 Wicked Little Ones (The), 40 bledon Preserved, 222 Wit and a Wedding (A), 192 Wives for Working Men, 43 Women and Walking-Sticks, 74 Wonders of Modern Travel (The), 217, 241, 264 Word to a Westry (A), 100 Youre Housekeepers, 129 ZooLocicat Recreations, 89 LARGE ENGRAVINGS :— | American Brothers ; or, ** How will they get Out of it?” 189 — Juggernaut (The), 96, Brigands Dividing Spoil, 65 Black Draft (The), 209 | Clearing the Streets, 55 Colonists and Convicts, 170 (A), 100 187 Dressing for an Oxford Bal Masqué. 239 Fight at 8t. Stephen’s Aca- demy (The), 25 Grand Transformation Scene #. for the End of the Year, 269 Jack on the Crisis, 5 Liberty & la Persigny, 107 Loving (Tea) Mag As he), 219 Mc dium and Re-Medium,199 Mrs. North and her Attor- ney, 127 Promissory Note (The), 15 Questionable Policy, 169 Quack in the Right Place, (A), 249 Relieving Guard at the Vati- | 4 Right Men in the Right Place ), 117 Rival Translators, 259 Short Commons, or the Mi- nisterial Whitebait Dinner, 45 Something for Paddy, 75 Very Weinbrunnen - Schwalbach = 158 Wi ~ 3 the Queen's Prize (The) 85 ing Phoenix (The), 229 LONDON ; BRATEURY AND EVANS, PRINTERS,” WHITEFRIARS.

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