Punch 1864: Vol 46

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t) y) IN ‘il PUBLISHED AT a4 1-4" oS et Y OY | >, F ates, y, j 44 Mn Y LONDON : THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. 1864, Moe a, fo Se ee aa i -precimamemecer: eee eee § E a . 4

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LONDON BRADBURY AND EVANS, PRINTERS, WHITFFRIARS,

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(A CHAPTER FROM THE HISTORY OF THE FUTURE.) dep Confederates having put down the Federal Rebellion, the American people had time to look round them, and consider how they could best reform institutions which had worked somewhat imperfectly. The executions of Burize. and of James Gorpon Bznwnerr had tended to conciliate all parties, and the work of restoring good humour was completed by the publication, on the part of the ex-President, Mr. Linooxy, of a delightful volume, containing all the facetious anecdotes with which he had successfully met the various Federal disasters. Mrroneni and Mannarran having been judicially drowned in one mud-cart, and the fanatic war-preaching clergymen of all denominations, together with ninety-five per cent. of the newspaper writers, having been embarked in the old man-of-war, the Nemesis, which was then carefully scuttled off Point Comfort, there was little left to do in the way of punishment. North and South being unanimous in regard to the necessity of a new constitution, Conventions were held, and the first step was to abolish universal suffrage. The next was to exclude from the vote all Irishmen, Germans, British Insolvents, and other voluntary and involuntary refugees. A further process of filtration disfranchised all war-con- tractors, telegram-manufacturers, stock-jobbers, liquor-vendors, and all persons who had ever assumed any of the nicknames of party. A property and education test was established, and a very tolerable electoral body, representing Honest America, was thus obtained. It was then seen that if a re-union of the States were possible, it could only be under a King, who must not be an American. Like the eyes of the millions of pigeons who, in one of Mr. Fenton Coormr’s stories, were suddenly brought down by the discharge of a cannon loaded with small shots, the eyes of all the Americans were suddenly upturned, and they rested on Hrs Royan Hieunuss, toe Granp Duxe Puno. A Deputation from America crossed the Atlantic, and without waiting to comb its hair, or to be introduced by Mzssrs. Apams, SurpEtx, and Ina Atpripex (the North, South, and Coloured Ambassadors), entered The Presence. “ Guess, Highness, as you’re the King for our money,” began the Honourable WasHrneaton GREENBACK ; “so order the smartest crown and fixings as can be produced, and state date for your crownation, yes, Sir.” “ On the part of the Old Aristocracy of the New World,” said the Honourable Rioamoxp Corronpop, “ I offer Your Royal Highness the opportunity of founding a dynasty that shall transplant the tree of chivalry into the rich soil of Columbia.” “ Iss, Ighness, you berry good King, you outrageous good King, you dam good King,” said the Honourable

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iv PREFACE. [June 25, 1864. Pompry Quasuipuneo (slightly plagiarising from Mr. Cuartzs Reape), “so you unliminate yourself out of dis here, and come and be neinted with werry best Macassar, yup, yup.” The temptatien was one which few mortals could haye withstood. Kine or America, with a domain of 2900 long mileg by 1780, or 2,963,666 square ones, and with 80,191,876 (and a quarter, including Tom Taums) of subjects. A despot, too, with a despotism untempcred eyen by epigrams, for the article is not manufactured in the New World. Happily, for England, Punon is ne Mortal, : He dashed away a tear, brighter thay of the 2783 diamonds in the diadem of his beleved Queen, cleared his voice with an effer§ and a Cayenne lozenge, , after a pause, uttered one word : “ Buan’rt” His yoice and language were gourteons, but it was felt that his purpose was adamant. The Honourable Me. Gragweack was going to spit, bat remembered where he was; the Honourable Ma. Coproxpgep muttered the shadow of the ghost of an oath ; the Honourable Mz, Quasurauneo kicked out hig foot at Tony, and was incontinently bitten whepe the ealf of his exee)] & leg should have been. “ My duties are Here,” sgid Pywcx, “But, Gentlemen, your King is There." He pointed te a tall, vigorous, gaunt person who had accompanied the Deputation, unaccredited, and who had been silently listening to the The West strede forward, in the person of a powerful Backwoodsman, with the eye of an eagle and the muscle of a gladiator ; but there was a dash ef humour in the strong fellow’s face, too. “T ain’é much of a for a croynd and garter, Old Hoss, but I caleulate as you 'ye smgshed the nut this time, These chaps ain't ne great count of me up te now; but now’s my turn, and may be they ’ll knuckle down, or I'll have to take off my gaat,” “ State your claims more graciously, my powerful friend,” said Duxe Puncu. “ I belieye that in the fresh and vigorous West will be found the Arbiter who should take America in hand, and the sooner he does it the better. Gentlemen, @ slight banquet awaits you in the next apartment, Let us go in and drink to the prosperity of your Countey, and to the dynasty of your King.” “ But 1’d like to be judgmatieal, Old Hoss,” seid the new Sovereign ; “ and if you'd any bit of a book with the trew prineiples of a King’s trade wrote out plain, you might lean it a fellow,” “ It is yours,” said H.R.H., smiling, and presenting his Forty-Suxth Volune. yy

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PUNCH’S AUMANACK FOR 4864, BE, a CRLENORR.1S64. April xxx xxxi Rissie mur prop 1842 neme. Tax St. Gregory 5 5. im Lent Byng Th xxxi Days. September xxx i “ | November xxx ree 344 Feew os December xxxi Days. Oxf.M.T.c. ¥ in one Bh bm {aiereed Thomas » abd a.

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1864.

OUR GROWLING BARD. PRELUDE. Wes live in changes, which imply Improvements, as some men I change my money, and my 8 But that the world improves, deny. Revered old Punch, accord me tn Wile sour royal Almanack : For, through the Months, I to smack Improvement on its insolent face. 1. We ride in railway cars where gas Flares bright, that he who rides may read : Why, let the blockhead, but, indeed, A railway reader is an Ass. The Public's eyes are dimmed and wrung From gaoting when they didn’t ought, And penny wisdom’s dearly ugbt At price of eyesight lost when young. ORNAMENTAL Water. — The most ornamental is that which has the most wavy curls playing round a quantity of pretty li ducks. Tue Impsrtinence !|—The rea- son why ladies’ watches are made of the diminutive size they are, is because time is generally such a very small object in a

=> (am Kp (ha x TLL Rr THE SENSATION NOVEL. Clara. “‘ Yes, DEAR. I’VE GOT THR LAST ONE DOWN, AND IT’s Perrectity Deticiovs. A MAN MARRIES HIS GRANDMOTHER—FouRTEEN PERSONS ARE POISONED BY A YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL GIRL—FORGERIES BY THE

OUR GROWLING BARD. It. A wre is touched by female hands, (That ever like to do with i) Ss And lightning flies with your remarks To distant friends in foreign lands. The foreign clerk, with smirk serene, Transcribing what you deemed so plain, For Jane has wedded Thomas Grane Writes June has wetted Turnham Green. NOTES OF THE MONTH. Jan. 2. Day breaks at 6°2. That is certainly very late for day to break—but never too late to mend. The days get out soon enough, and the ticket of leave men too soon. Jan. 11. Plough Monday. Far- mers mind your ploughshares, and Capitalists, look to your shares in the lines invended to plough up London. Feb. 2. Candlemas Day and St. Blaise. As the laundress justly remarked, Blase’s comes natural next to Candlemas Day. Feb. 17. Ember Week begins. — ’syour time for ‘taters all ot. —_—— A BEAUTY TO DRAW US WITH 4 Srvcte Hairn!—A_ Scotch Countess, whose ringlets we may te A without hesitation, are decidedly several nuances stronger than what is politely called au- burn, is always priding herself, on belonging to the hair-red-itary

lady's eyes. DOZEN—RoBBERIES, HANGINGS; IN FACT, FULL oF DELIGHTFUL Horrors! ” peerage. THE SUN IN “ THE SIGNS.” STREET MORALS. THE SUN IN “THE SIGNS.” ARIES TAURUS. Baiout Phoebus at The Ram ascends his car, But first partakes of something at the Bar. His rays illumine ale of amber, old, Or turn a pewter-pot to burnished gold.

A Commercial Trutra.—Money, like a boot, when it’s tight, is extremely trying.

Friend Cackirs, doubtless, knows a lot, His sentiments are bs 4 fine, But ’twill be best to see him not, When you are hurrying home to dine.

Derritton.—The capability for describing from personal experience the highest points in a mountainous region, is called, a Top-ographical knowledge. Gtortovs Apollo now has reached The Bull, Where he pulls up, and takes another pull ; Earth's signs arrest the driver, passing by : So do the public-houses of the sky.

Tue First Law or Nature—and more especially at a Theatre on the first night—is Order.

ny NY SUTIN l) Ha yy t ee’. Dp & aN (= v7 lon eo \ an <* hs Se Se ta aS 7. “oy SN

Hard-riding Young Lady. “ Cur Miss Groncina Down THAT TIME, I FANCY, AND HAVE GOT INTO THE SAME Fretp with Gus!”

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1864. with your reign mirk med rham That ay to e to soon leave Far- ares, your nl to d St. ustly tural gins. s all WITH otch we , are nger i au- rself, itary NOTES OF THE MONTH. March7. The feast of Perpetua, that is Judy by conjunction. Punch for ever ! March 21. Benedict. The name of this Saint means blessed, and is often used to signify a bride- groom. Why do we never hear it applied to a husband who has passed his honeymoon? A youth yy bn supposed to have the lot of Benedict in view when be de- clares that he'll be blest if he ever marries. A STANZA FOR SPRING. Szz, a reminded by the wea- ther, The birds work hard their nests to feather ; And thou, my son, think not of res! "Till thou hast feathered well thy nest. USEFUL FAMILY RECIPE. To Stuff a Heir.— First catch your heir: then invite him to your table, and stuff him with all the good things that you are able. In pressing them upon bim do not be rebuffed, and if your heir be young he will soon be nicely stuffed. Q. Ir the Clerk were to burn a —_— in church, what would be e effect ? A. The — tion would be } reggae an © parson in a ume, A Conrrapicrion In TERMs.— The very bluntest observations are often pointed. Susstirure ror Eau Svucrfe. —Take a quantity of slush, and sweeten it with charcoal, — = —~ '= Se \ = ——- ev a - — BOARD AND LODGING! Landlady. ‘‘ Yes, Stn, THE BOARD WERE CERTINGLY TO BE A GuINEA A WEEK, BUT I DIDN’T KNOW AS YOU WAS A-GOING TO BATHE IN THE SEA BEFORE BREAKFAST AND TAKE Borr_es OF TONIC DURING THE DAY!” A GROAN FROM THE SPEAKER'S CHAIR. M.P. when he gets on his legs should bear in mind that the standing order demands concise- ness, and he should, therefore, trip lightly over the heads of his argument. In this respect the orator of St. Stephens may take a hint from the coiffeur of a Na- tional School, who having heads to dispose of with all ible despatch, is not partic toa hair, but cuts it short. A STORY FROM SUFFOLK, Hopce to the Squire’s once went to dine, And drank his fill of beer and wine. Next day, being asked how he had f . Says he, ‘‘ D'yow know I summut stared That arter guttlin’ soup an’ fish, An’ wenson in a silver dish, Piumpoodden, an’ sich things as these. They browt me in plain bread and cheese!” CHESTERFIELD’s ADVICE TO BIS Newty Marriep Son.—Never interrupt ladies when speaking, —you may hear of something to your advantage. If there is any exception to this rule, it is per- haps where one of the inter- locutors is your mother-in-law. Facts 1x Paysics.—A bashful gentleman happening to meet in the street a lady of his acquaint- ance for whom he entertained a budding affection, suddenly lost his head and dropped his eyes. The case has been referred to an eminent surgeon. OUR GROWLING BARD. It, Go, pose yourself, and do not laugh, The lens is hid, the trick is done, And in a brace of shakes the sun Has fixed you in a Photograph. iA “‘ Well, he’s not handsome, in the least,” Say those to whom your portrait ‘s shown, Though in your wife’s eye, and your own, You're rather a good-looking beast. A Favourite dish of the wild animal hunter, Gorpon Commune, is Saucissons de Lyons. THE SUN IN “ THE SIGNS.” GEMINI. Detivs to feel the call of thirst Again, and checks his cattle at The Twins ; The Jove-born Chicken and Ledzan Pet Detain him o'er a pint of heavy wet. El'erly Lady. “ But I MvsTt REALLY BEG THAT YOU WILL TELL ME youn Fare. -# LLL Ata Zi G3 ss “WHS 4444 t/ By, / tt ae iF > | tae rit : ih Wy, WY I Uf I CANNOT BE SUPPOSED TO ‘ Cabby. ‘* We.t, Mum—I Don'r THINK WE SIALL FALL Hovr.—Ler’s say, Turee Bos anp a Kick!” . | * 8 ' " | fh No ae ee in T9) 4; aft WY) | p CG | Wit! I KwOow Your Bustxvess!”

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1864.

HINTS ON HOUSE-HIRING. BY A CLOWN OF THE OLD SCHOOL, WHEN you see a house to let, knock at the front door, and, when the cook or housemaid opens it, chuck her underneath the chin, or prod her in the ribs, saying with great tenderness of feeling, “ Karrrrrrrek!"” Then fall violently in love with her, and at once demand a kiss, tell- ing her ‘‘O Mazeary, I loves yer to substraction!” If she declines to let you kiss her, twitch off her white cap and stick it on your head, and then make faces at her till she screams and runs away, of course leaving the front door open. You may then enter the house, and, if you find it empty, take immediate posses- sion, and show your right to do so by smashing all the furniture and flinging it out of window. Should the rightful owner show himself, and seem inclined to make remonstrance, pitch a pil- low at him, or cover him with flour, and, when he is half blinded with it, hit him in the bread- basket. Ifa policeman interfere, pick his pocket of his truncheon and hit him on the head with it : or if you prefer it, draw a sword from somebody and cut off the policeman’s head with it. Then you may live happy in the house that you have hired, until the ghost of the policeman comes at night to haunt you. Superrivovs PHILANTHROPY.— The idea of impa polish to Japan is like that carrying coals to Newcastle, Mepica, Mytsotocy. — Ana- sthesia is the daughter of Chlo- roform.

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LONDON CREAM. THE PRODUCE OF WEST-END DAIRIES, Cook. “Do you CALL THIS CREAM? Way Ir’s THINNER THAN MILK!” Milkman. “ On, ALL IT WANTS IS WELL STIRRING UP.—THE CREAM’s AT THE Borrom!”

CONS FOR CIVIL SERVICE CANDIDATES. 1. Wny should you never ex- t to find hot Curagoa in a uart Pot? Because it would be the last common multiple (mulled tipple) in the greatest common measure. 2. What is there extraordinary in the Rules immediately follow- ing Proportion ! That they are infractions (in Fractions.) [We beg to suggest these specimens of the“ Art of ingeniously Tor- menting,” for the next Report of the Civil S.rvice Commis- sioners. STREET MORALS. Vitx is the smell those covk- shops s ° Yet, Bwe keep down that nose, you know, Thy bank may break, thy aunt may wed, And thou come dining for a Joe. Hororocicat THoveut.—You can stop a Clock, at any moment, but you cannot stop a Watch. The same remark, my brethren, agate to the stopping the talk of a Man,and of a Woman. He is a great, coarse, ugly machine, but you can silence him. She is a beautiful, fragile, jewelled thing —but she will run on until she stops of herself. Userot Famity Recipes. — To Pluck a Goose.—To do this you have only to send your goose to College, and the chances are that, when he is examined, you will find him plucked.

OUR GROWLING BARD. Iv. Are household study now. A smudge Of gore, or else the Tale’s a bore. THE SUN IN THE SIGNS. CANCER. Improving ! Yet was never more Employment for my lord the Judge. Bors handsome trap lo standing at The ’ As oft below we see a Hansom Cab. Thy son, Latena, baits his borses here, And has another quantity of beer. Ax angel wife whose hind has spilt A previous husband's blood : a son Whom strychnine helped to heirship : one EraNo.ocicat.—The | je i - Or more such types of housshold guilt e language of the Bosjesmans is sup posed to be a dialect of Bosh.

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— ————= ae. = THE NURSERY FOUR-IN-HAND CLUB.—THE FIRST MEET OF THE SEASON. Master Robert (loq.). ‘‘ HERE, JAMES, JUST STAND BY THAT Bay Fitty.—Sme’s RATHER FresH THIS Morvina!”

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1864.

= ex- n a »ple) ure. nary low- | (in mens Tor- nis-

OUR GROWLING BARD. Samst Martin, “ialy called Le Bends t me twelve postmen every With twelve deliveries. I may say My knocker’s never out of hand : I think the system very wrong, And often wish Saint Martin kicked, by: ag he tease me, and ict Loquacity the whole day long?

USEFUL FAMILY RECIPE. To Dish a Bore.—Invite your bore to dinner, and as an ad- | ditional inducement for @im to | be sure to come, just drop a casual hint that you intend to have some turtle. This you will be careful to forget to order ; and if you tell your cook to send up nothing in its place, and then let your — sit down to a cold Reulder ¢

| tton, with no pudding to follow, you may rest assured that he is very nicely dished. A Lumrvous APPEARANCE.— Sparkins, stooping over the can- dle, set his head ina blaze. Lar- Ktns told him that he made a ular meteor with his hair o’ light. Gastroxomy.—The term Gas- tronomer was originally applied to M. Sover, ag x his _ apparatus C) orm } tehen. ~_¥ | | |

REAL TRAGEDY. Old Party (proprietor of nasty vapping Pet Dog.) ‘‘ Ou, PotrceMaN! MY DARLING FLO JusT BIT THAT Horrip Man’s LEG, AND HE HAS HIT HIM WITH HIS CaNE.”

THE SUN IN “THE SIGNS.” LEO Tue Bright One’s next stage at The Lion ends, And, while his reeking steeds the ostler tends, Mine host makes haste to serve his brilliant guest With some of that home-brewed of his—the best. STREET MORALS. THose crossing-sweepers are a pest, We ’ve paid, in rates, for what they do, Give one, give all. You'll find it best Never to give one single sou. HIGHLAND LADDIE. (ADAPTED TO CIRCUMSTANCES ) Canny Scotchman visiting Lon Sor the first time. On, where! and oh, where! is that wily Cabby gone? He's gone to get some change, and I hope he won't be lony. And it’s “Owe!” fortopart with my money I was wrong. n Hic Jacer Veritas. — Truth lies in a well. No wonder then that although Philosophy calls so loud for it no answer is received ; for if Truth lies in a well, who can truly affirm, that it hasn't kicked the bucket? PoerticaL.—The Poet Drayton describes Queen Mub's chariot as drawn by gnats. This, say un certain Commentators, is the first instance on record of a gnatty turn-out. THe Iron Racenorse.—An Express Locomotive may be called the High Metall’d Racer.

Conrusion or Races.—So gross is the dishonesty preva- | Turf, that even the sporting gents decline to back the favourite at Epsom, as they say, for fear the lent on the Derby should turn out a hoax.

Cannibalism. A Facr ror May MEETINGs.—An uncommonly zealous Missionary proposes to send out a cargo of Richmond Maids of Honour to wean tbe Fans of the Interior of Africa from

Sulmen. ELeEctTRICAL Sctence.— It is well known that the domestic eat, if rubbed in the dark, will emit sparks of electricity. This kind of lightning on a smail scale is only a brutum

, Y Yy Ups Uh, QSLZZILE. A's 4 iY q ye fi nf ‘ 4 ¢ } / 7 Wyk 1 A De Ky % —

THE DOG-DAYS! let Faneier. “ Now 1sw’r we, Grorncre!—ror BREED AND SHAPE AND MAKE, THE MOST LOVELY LITTLE CREATURE?” 2nd Ditto. 8rd Ditto,

_ Raine itt a Roh nail a

“* WELL, DEAR, HE CERTAINLY 1S VERY HaNDSOME, BUT TO MY TASTE MY LITTLE TREASURE Pugay Is PERFECTION, AND 80 Arrecrionate !* “Dip THEY PRAISE THE OTHER Docs ?—LitrLe CHARLIE WAS A DARLING; HE WAS, HE WAS, HE was!!!”

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1864. USEFUL FAMILY RECIPE. To Clean White Kid Gloves.— Soak them in boiling water. for a fortnight, taking great care that the water is kept always “on the boil.” Then make a good lather with brown Windsor soap and beeswax, and wash your gloves with it until you have reduc them toa pulp. Put them ina stewpan and keep them gently simmering on the hob fora month or two, then stretch them to your shape, and hang them up to dry. Perfume them with turpentine and a dash of assafetida, and your gloves will be quite clean and fit for ball-reom use. QUEER QUERIES. Ovour a pair of trousers which have been obtained on credit to be legally regarded as breeches of trust? When a man happens to speak with a quiver in his voice, is it right to think his speech an-ar- row-minded one? Would a promissory note which is made payable at sight be a legal tender t.. an inmate of a blind asylum An Emptem Improvep. — A symbol, commonly supposed to represent Eternity, is the Ser- ent with its tail in its mouth. his isa mistake. The Serpent with its tail in its mouth more truly represents Economy, as it makes both ends meet. AN InraLurs_e Speciric.—The Universal Vegetable Medicine is a certain cure for inflammation N : OUR GROWLING BARD. vi. Aros of precision we desire : Two millions vanish, melted cash, And then, alternate, go to smash Big gun and target, when we fire. Let’s hope, But here’s a good way too: Discharge your guns. Amid the smoke Lay the ships close, then, Hearts of Oak, Board, slash, gash, hash, and smash Mossvo ! SPIRITUALISM. Wren the Magian Home was visiting the Tuileries, it is re- ported that he caused the shade of the Great NaPoLeon to appear to his Imperial Nephew. Mar. Home, on being subsequently blamed for extravagance while staying in Paris, replied that, “He had fared very well, since he had managed to make buth N's meet.” Ir a Male Pig took to literary composition, under what signa- ture would he write? None; he would probably use a sheep-pen and remain an Ink-'og. . Srrance Superstition. — At Abbotsford a little child's Cradle is shown, not as belonying to the great poet, but as being actually Sim WALTER's Cot ! THe TRAVELLER’s TROUBLE.— The hardest of hard lines are in the eyes of potatoes. OVER TH E WAY-THE INVALID. the contents of Bradshaw. THE SUN IN “THE SIGNS.” A STANZA FOR SUMMER. STREET MORALS. VIRGO. Bricut Pheebus, with his face so red, I po not bid you shut your eyes, The Virgin's charms our Cynthian’s chariot stop, Now leaves at four his ocean bed : Yet if you look at shops, no doubt Again he rests and tukes a little drop, My son, if thou would'st also shine, Unless you’re most uncommon wise, The Hebe of the Tap supplies the glass ; Thou must not lie a-bed till nine. You'll buy what you can do without, A sympathetic wink rewards the lass. a —_—_—_—- -_--_—_—oOoO A PeRIPaTeTic PHILOSOPHER AND DuscrpLe oF OLD Sicyor FRANCATELLI has discovered a new method of Morro ror A Harrpresser.—Cut and Comb again! Izaax.—Hookey WALKER. mashing potatoes: they will be done by mash-inery. | Ss \= TIN ii a “eae? —— “( ? / fl +H! N —> “oC HOW NOT TO DO YOUR DUTY TOWARDS YOUR NEIGHBOUR!—THE ORGAN-GRINDING NUISANCE. Old Lady (!) ‘* Borner Over tne Way! We tikes Tne Hororns!” Se

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. . cial exhibition of costumes with wearers in them, ticketed | no offers might be resorted to with propriety during a | ‘ A PLAN FOR LEAP-YEAR. with the jointure, settlement, or income which they may | year when the ordinary relations betwecn woocd and | In the windows of drapers’ shops are exhibited ladies’ | demand, ind lly or in lots, As, for instance, Finest | wooer are reversed. dresses, marked with their prices, conveniently for men | Quality, £1,000,000: Superior, £500,000. Distinguée who wish to have some idea of what it may cost them to | £150,000. This Prime Widow at a Great Reduction, and PORTRAITURE UNDER Dirricui.tirs.—Could a photo- be pulled inside. An improvement on this convenience, | All these Girls at Ridiculously Low Figures. This expe- | grapher take the portrait of a lawyer who went to him for men disposed to marry, would be a similar commer- | dient to effect a sale of goods for which there have been | with a fleri facias?

THE SUN IN “THE SIGNS.” LIBRA. Now has tho Geldon-Haired attaincd The Scales, A noted House for choice and various ales, So here awhile his quadrupeds ho reins, And a brown jug of foaming nectar drains.

~~ -_ eS ~ (1M) $ iH < il! lat iY LALA Diaiista: X's ~ PRR Fak beh 1) uf X IN (I rs PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1864.

/ HOW WOULD IT BE WITHOUT CRINOLINE P—TRY IT FOR “1864!

DIFFERENCES OF AGES IN DIFFERENT SEXES. OUR GROWLING BARD. "Twere better we repealed the laws Demorauistxa Evrect or Puattism.—Mrs. Grunpy

That hinder us of blessed Beer, "t abear rize- beca' A maw attains his majority at twenty-one, but it is vit. A noble fluid which, I fear, ah on ride 2 tho ougigioass 5 ihe Weights. difficult to say when a woman attains hers. There are From France's Claret GLapsTone takes Will seldom pass our children’s jaws. different terms applied to the two sexes. For instance, The tax, that But may fill his skin Tue NEAREST APPROACH TO THE MILLENNIUM.—If we whoever heard of a lady spoken of as being “ under With that mean liquid, sour and thin, TxHeory OF THE ToiLet.—No woman can be plain when | wuld only love others one half so much as we love age.” Whereby his stomach often aches : she is dressed. ourselves, what a happy world it would be!

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1864. IMITATION OF HORACE. An attempt at a Classic Metre ina very small quantity: dedicated to Mr. ALFRED TENNysON. Tue Argument is on this wise, in the first line a Farmer ex- presses t at the detri- ment done to his seedlings; a Friend makes him a present of plenty of new potatoes, where- | upon he asks his companion to “liquor up.” The commence- ment of line 8 is placed in the mouths of beth speakers ; first as wine in the mouth of his friend, secondly as an expression of ad- miration for the quantity of pota- toes presented to him in that of the farmer. The next expression (“all in rows”) alludes to the plan of arrangement which his servant is following, and this changes into a desire to dress, go out, and do the work himself. (“* Persicos Odi.”) Pussy cats hate I over my pota- toes, Present sent next me? Fill away, my Crony ! Pretty sack! all in rows. Ah, to look o’er em— Sarah, my Gaiters ! Genuine Aristocracy. — The Landed Gentry of England bave been censured for pride of birth, and the Farmers for clownish- ness; but the Fat Cattle Show warrants the former in boastin of their Stock, and also attests the latter’s good breeding. bi i Wn Uf \ / OYSTERS, Itinerant Oyster-Man. ‘‘ Now, THEN—HAVE ANOTHER DOZEN, IF YOU'VE GOT ANY MORE Moxer!!” USEFUL FAMILY RECIPE. To make Strawberry Jam.—Take two score of Strawberries, British Queens, if you can get them, and the biggest you can find. Pick them carefully from their stalks, and place them ona clean des- sert-plate. Sprinkle them with fine white sugar, powdered in a mortar. Then take a dessert- spoon, and, if you are wise, pro- ceed to eat thirty-nine of them : after which, by simply placing the fortieth in the crevice of an open door, and violently slam- ‘ming it, you may make jam of your strawberry to your heart's content. STREET MORALS. Carts, cabs, and vans! You'll dash across. Hear what a Jew said to me once, “ Praps, shir, you'll shave a mi- nit’s loss, And praps you'll be laid up for munce.”” An EXpensive RESEARCH. — Pearls are fuund in oysters, and oysters rarely cost more than a shilling a dozen, but still it strikes us that a man would have to shell out to a pretty con- siderable extent, before he could expect to mect with a single pearL Way anp Becavuse.—Why is a person of an even temper like Greek fire? Because you can't put him out. OUR GROWLING BARD. Vill. From Battle-Bridge unto the Bridge Below the Monument to Scorr, (On which they spent a precious lot) Beneath Evina’s hog-back ridge, Ten hours will take us. Improved? Have they learnt soberer ways? Are not their Sundays penal days Eat they not haggis, oats, hotch-potch ? ODE TO MY WIFE'S MILLINER. DeaRer to me than [ dared to think ! Dearer to me than the flowering Pink ! Dearer to me than many [ "ve known Of the little Milliners now full blown. Ah! When she came for her bill to call, Then, then I found she was dearer than all. Apvice To Cooxs.—Beware of a blazing fire ; and don’t dress your meat in Crinoline. IN “THE SIGNS.” SCORPIO. Tue vehicle of him that Python slew The Scorpion hails, arrived as soon as due, That Scorpion’s stingo is its only sting ; He tries it, and declares ‘tis jusf the thing. Fast aNp Stow.—No fast man now any longer scoffs ata thinking one as a Slow Coach. He calls him a Parliamentary Train. / Ly by Z FL We fe LA th —— AN INCIDENT OF TRAVEL. Monthly Nurse. “ But I can’t Finp my Box, Sir!” Puterfamilias (furious.) “ Conrounp your Box! You MUST GET IN AND LEAVE IT, AND We'LL TELEGRAPH FOR IT.—Come! THE TraIN’'s sTARTING !” Monthly Nurse. “‘ Ou yes, SiR,—THAT’S ALL VERY WELL. OnLy I THOUGHT 4S My Box HAS GOT ALL YOUR PLATE AND LINEN IN It,” &c., &c., &c.

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1864. O DID YOU TWIG HER ANCLE? (4 Song to be Encored at any of the Music Halls.) As I strolled down Piccadilly, A scrumptious I met, Her name was JANE JEMIMA, And her hair was in a net : Her cheeks were red as roses, Her hat was a porkpie, And just to show her petticoat Her dress was held up high. Chorus—(in which the enlightened audience all join.) O did you twig her ancle ? ° ‘00 we eal —. wasn't jopshus Too ral loo ral lay ! [And 80 on for a score or 30 of silly, senseless verses, with shouts and shrieks of rapture at the end of every verse. THE SUN IN “THE SIGNS.” SAGITTARIUS. The Archer next arrests the drag of day, “ Robin Hood“ might stay, Here Smiutheus, ed with still recurring drought, Allays it with a swig of extra- stout. Nore ror THE Montu.—Sept. 1. 8t. Partridve and St. Giles. In honour of the former Saint the birds are aes and out of respect to the latter, Giles Scrog- gins's Ghost is exhibited by Prp- PER at the Polytechnic, and walks the theatres. EXTRAVAGANCE IN FasHION- ABLE Lire.— When Poverty comes in at the door, the Turkey carpet hangs out of the window, YT TLLIS THE FANCY FAIR. El-anor. “You HAD BETteR Buy some oF My CiGARs—ComE TAKE ONE!” Young Swell. ‘* A—a—Tuanks, No—I NEvER Smoke!” Bleanor. **‘ Wuat! wor 1#-1 Bire orF tHe Enp!” 7 tha be V ltr MICHAELMAS DAY. THE INVITATION, Come dine with me on Goose-day, Michaelmas ; I’ve lost your right address, so send at random, I've got a goose, you can’t refuse me, as “ De Goose-tibus,” you know, “ non disputandum.” THE REPLY. Ar that day’s dinner with you I'll be seen, Such is the purport of my pre- sent stanZa ; Sniffing the Goose has made my hunger X#y, And hunger for your Goose, friend, is my Anser. HEAR BOTH SIDES, Masrers and Mistresses are fond of calling servants “‘ the greatest plagues of life.” We are extremely curious to know what servants are in the habit of call- ing their masters and mistresses? Depend upon it, it is something extremely endearing ! Fasnion.—A short time ago there was in vogue a head-dress called the sugarloaf bonnet. Young ladies generally con- sidered it a sweet thing. Mepicat Economy. — Parents and Preceptors will effect a great 8a by recourse to the newly- discovered Family Pills for cre- ating a bad Appetite. Nore on MicnaEtmas Day.— Geese now arrive at an age of discretion. Tue CUP THAT NEITHERCHEERS wor IneBRiaTES.—The hiccup. OUR GROWLING BARD.—IX. Eacu playhouse boasts its hosts of Ghosts, Krxo, or Dirck, Henceforth no fearful foot will shirk The churchyard dim, or white-armed Post. Raised up by Pepp Yet are we wiser? Come, declare, Quack RapHaEL, or thou, blunderer lame, Morris, who borrowest ZaDKIEL’s name, What myriads buy your idiot ware. Universal Music.—A Bank-Note. A STANZA FOR AUTUMN. Now ranging o’er the fields, my son, The sportsman aims the deadly gun ; See thou at small birds never aim, Or Punch will of thyself make game. e Mamma (coming down the ste Cornbyn. ‘‘ Yes, Ma’am! You THE RISING GENERATION. SA kA. ) “ Way, Cornayn! WHAT’s THE MEANING OF THIS? Miss ALICE PERCHED ON HER Papa’s Bra Horst, AXD THE Poxy srovocnt For ue!” OU SEE, Ma’aM, Miss ALICE SAID AS YOU WAS RATHER N&RVOUS, AND SHE THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD GET ON BETTER WITH Tom Tit.”

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enc PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1864. THE GREAT BEAUTY OF PHOTOGRAPHS. Tuetr great beauty is, that they provoke conversation. They fur- nish innumerable heads for dis- cussion. If the cook happens to be late for dinner (and cooks ge- nerally are), they will find how invaluable these new “ Heads of People” are, and what a, able reading they will supply to even the hungricst, as its illus- trated pages present some new feature at every turn. Even an Alderman would forget his appe- tite in devouring its contents. The amusement, too, is all the greater as it gives one an oppor- tunity of criticising friends, not only to their faces, but behind their backs. A Photographic Al- bum is the most amusing ante- randial friend that a lady could ve in her establishment. In fact, no respectable drawing-room is complete without one, at the very least. RETRIBUTION. Botp Chanticleer proclaims the morn, He used to wake me up at wn, Weep, DAME PARTLETT, weep and mourn, With nice bread-sauce your | mate has gone ! So tough was he, so long since born, He woke me up again next morn. Cure For BaLpyess.—Onions | rubbed frequently on the head are said to restore the hair. They will certainly make it grow strong. A CorpiaL Frienp.—Old Tom. = A BALLAD BY A BEDLAMITE. O come to the West, love : Come, jump there with me: Like cucumbers drest, love, How happy we ‘ll be! Bright thuncer and lightning r= Shi tii _awis i Ub Ta | ini { ii lee THE STEAMER. OLp Mr. SQUEAMISH, WHO HAS BEEN ON Deck FOR uIS WRAPPER, FINDS RIS COMFORTABLE PLACE OCCUPIED BY A Harry Mossoo! Thy hair shall entwine, And we ‘ll quaff rosy whitening, And spirits of wine ! So slumber, my darling, To the West let’s away, For the crow of the star Proclaims it is day. To the heights of the ocean we ‘ll Start a oon, Or fly in a diving-bell Up to the moon! USEFUL FAMILY RECIPE. To Remove Corns. —Cut away as much of your corns as you are able, then place your kitchen ker in the fire and, when it is white-hot, apply it pretty freely to each corn in succession, until you feel quite certain that they are all removed, Literary Notice.—Books for every Month.—The Banker's Book, illustrated with figures. The Butcher’s Book,—motto, “ The times are out of joint.” ‘‘ Some Suits for a Barrister, with a long account of the Same,” by our own Tailor. Nore For THE MontH.—Oct. 25. Crispin. A Saint of the last gene- ration ; @ great mender of soles ; he showed his humility in wear- ing highlows. He wrought many wonderful works of heeling, and Seas to have predicted oral OUR GROWLING BARD. x. ** NEVER So easy as ‘tis now = To Correspond,” Improvement cries ; I tell Improvement that she lies, And bellows like a vain old cow. You write with scratchy splotchy steel, Your envelope 's a treachcrous foe : Your servants steam its gum, and know Your love, and what you owe for veal. A Sportsman’s Mornino Comrort.—There is no such liquor as your Foxhunter’s Early Purl. THE SUN IN “ THE SIGNS.” CAPRICORNUS. Now has the Laurel-Crowned, at Delos born, Got on again as far as Capricorn, The Goat ; at which he lingers, just to quaff A cool refreshing pint of half-and-half. Jones (who has accepted a mount with the Harriers, because it is all galloping as no obstacles). “‘ Ou, YES, LET HIM ComE! THAT’S ALL VERY WELL, WHY, IT’S LIKE THE iDpe oF A House.” |

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1864. TOASTS AND SENTIMENTS A L’'AMERICAINE. For a Domestic Anniversary.— The wives of our (shirt) buzzums ! May they have fingers up to but- tons, souls above them ! The rights a hdaearehmemtas e and duties o: y May the Income- “a never come upon us for the one ; and the Government trust us to maintain the other ! For a Vestry Dinner. — Local self-government! May the hum of the Bumble-bee be heard in the board-room, and the gold- x - oe be — hed e ering brea‘ cen- tralisation. STREET MORALS. Tur Cabman, who, about to start, Asks you “ Where's that, Sir?” hopes to cheat ; Answer, “Findout!” Asstraight as He'll drive you to the given street. SMART SAYINGS. Grace before meat—as the pane Bee said when she laced erself too tight to swallow. ie nous le déluge,” as the hard frost observed to the water- pipe. ** Ce n'est que le premier pas qui corte,” as the tight boot said to the hard-corn. Taxine of dogs, the late Mr. Jos CauDLE was wont to remark, in his jocular moods, to his chil- dren, that Ma’s tiffs were utterly destructive of Pa’s time. er? Tne MT A CURE FOR THE BAWLING FISH-SELLERS AT WATERING-PLACES. PHOTOGRAPHY. Tue Celebrated Mr. WaTxrns’ of Parliament Street, the Photo- —— has, we hear, accom- plished the difficult feat of uniting rapidity of motion with dexterity in porta eneeieie, When he was out hunting he managed, while leaping a hedge, to take a utleman who was lying in the tech underneath. e subject came out strong on the occasion. THE WAYS OF LIFE. Tuere’sa right way, and there's a left way, and there is, also, a middle way. The latter course is apparently the most followed, for meet a dozen people in the course of the day, and the chances are that eleven out of the twelve will, if you ror pn Well, ~ 4 are ou tt! on?” instantly re- a ooh! middling, thank you.” Tiere are, one would infer, more middle-men in this world than any others. PLAIN TRUTHS FOR PLAIN PEOPLE. Cuess is nothing unless it is played on the — Small talk is like small beer— a little of it goes a very great way. Pure milk, unlike the pure truth, is good for nothing when drawn from the well. You may depend upon it, but no man of the name of SmiTH likes being joked about it. Pore Ernics.—Why is a selfish man a good Christian? Because he loves his worst enemy ; that is, himself. OUR GROWLING BARD. xt. Lest we and Gaul should come to fisticuffs, Upsprang a Household Guard, the Volunteers, Some, I admit, are milingtary Dears, and some are Muffs. As gushing ladies say, I calculate I like the heroes, some : But why are they addicted unto swipes, Why do ~ 4 all smoke brief plebeian pipes, And fright cab-horses with the fife and drum? Domestic Economy.—The best thing you can do with measly pork is to cure it. THE SUN IN*THE SIGNS. AQUARIUS. The Waterman brings up the glowing wheels Of Poean, whose hot coursers cool their heels ; Himself imbibes, to damp his inward fire, Barcvay and Perkrys’s or Rerw's Entire. ACCIDEVTS ste i | [ath®s (\ tL AT) PLEASANT PROSPECT.—A DAY WITH THE STAG, Little T. NW. ‘‘ Satu you TAKE A SINGLE, on Returx!” i Friend. “ Wewt, I sHatt Take A Return, Because I KNow THE Morse I'm Gotnc To Ripe,—BUT YOU'D BETTER TAKE 4 SINGLE AND AN INsURANCE TICKET!” Y, 0 BM, Y/

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shes I a a PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1864. ANSWERS TO CONUNDRUMS. (The Questions will be given in our next—if they are wanted.) 1. Because it is an act of negro- man-see. 2. Because they are a pair-o’- little-bipeds elopipeds. ) 3. He woul say simply “ Ink- a@ mealy one, but the other is Amelia. 5. When he went to tell-cm-a- cuss ( Telemachus.) 6. use the one is a bat and the other is a bat-too. 7. The difference is merely that the one is‘an-ut, while the other is an-ovel. USEFUL FAMILY RECIPE. To make Bread and Butter goa a way.—Take a slice of bread and butter, place it in an enve- —e and post it to your cousin who is living in New Zealand. If you do this in London and it reaches him in safety, your bread and butter clearly will have gone a long way. Nore ror tae Montu.—Deec. 28. Innocents. Winter Baby Show at the Crystal Palace. There are present 100 children whose united ages amount to 100 years. From Smirartetp.—aAt the last Cattle Show astuut farmer whose old-fashioned continuations did not reach to his aucles, was taken up for exhibiting his calves in the street. Umpn !|—Of two hunchbacks of unequal height, which would you select as an arbitrator? The one Tais 1s THe E1cnteentsa Otp Fisn Fac wHo nas SCREAMED AND SHRIFKED, BUT BY NO MEANS THE LAST WHO WILL SHRIEK AND SCREAM, UNDER POOR OLD Mr. TomKuNs’s WINDOW. you'd call the hump-higher. A WATERING-PLACE PLEASURE. OUR GROWLING BARD. xu. Puncn cheereth Christmas with an Almanack, And he is sweet upon it, not a few: "Tis the most cruel thing that he can do, So on his head I deal my final whack. We = aa sparkling pages after unch, And roar at the en Then how flat, — Stale, and disjointed, sounds the household chat At Christmas dinner-parties, after Punch! PHILOSOPHY OF COMMON LIFE. Tuere is a depth of policy in the hairdresser’s pertinacious question, Try Bear’s Grease, Sir? For it wmpresses the shrewd worldly customer, who looks be- low the surface for motives, with an idea that the man's anxiety to sell his grease arises from an as- surance of its virtues. Every thinking mind discerns that a hairdresser “must be interested in the success as yy as ——— of a ——— ‘or promoting the gro uf the hair. The phi- losupher, therefore, instead of being irritated by the importu- nity which thrusts Bear's Grease into his ribs, regards it with complacency as a revelation of human nature, and replies to it, ne with ‘‘No, I thank you,” ins of furiously shouting ‘Go to Jericho!” THE SUN IN “THE SIGNS.”—PISCES. Lastiy ‘he Fishes, as of course you'd think, Invite the Driver of the Sun to drink ; And having circled this terrestrial ball His Brightness orders Punch to wind up all. A STANZA FOR WINTER. Now Christmas comes: of all the year The time, my son, to man most dear ; For then, 'mid other costly ills, He hus to pay his Christmas bills. We often hear the term made use of, ‘‘a limb of the law.” It strikes us forcibly that it is a mistake. The term intended is not “limb,” but “dimbo;” for that is apparently | the end of all persons who are foolish enough to go to law LEGAL TERMS. MMMM MM Sieay AN YUL; 72 2 SLAs Of a] “se a i] Uy, Ea 4 y, 04 4 Cz Uphill WV UNDER THE MISTLETOE.—ALL FAIR IN LEAP YEAR. eS

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GHilliam Makepeace CGhackeray. Wuttz generous tributes are everywhere paid to the Genius of him who has been suddenly called away in the fulness of his power and the maturity of his fame, some who have for many years enjoyed the advantage of his assistance and the delight of his society would simply record that they have lost a dear Friend. At an early period in the history of this Periodical he became a Contributor to its pages, and he long continued to enrich them, and though of late he had ceased to give other aid than suggestion and advice, he was a constant member of our council, and sat with us on the eighth day from that which has saddened England’s Christmas. Let the brilliancy of his trained intellect, the terrible strength of his satire, the subtlety of his wit, the richness of his humour, and the catholic range of his calm wisdom, be themes for others: the mourning friends who inscribe these lines to his memory think of the affectionate nature, the cheerful companionship, the large heart and open hand, the simple courteousness, and the endearing frankness of a brave, true, honest Gentleman, whom no pen but his own could depict as those who knew him would desire. COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON. Ir we wish to “see ourselves as others see us,” let us look at — Weekly, which thus holds up the mirror to us by a recent New York post :-— “It is to avoid a rupture with the working tion that Lorp PALMERSTON has refused to recognise the rebels. He doubtless honestly expects to see the United States destroyed ; and calculates that, when that cheerful catastrophe occurs, he will crush out democracy in England. We think differently ; belie en ssehel atin itis redegattinn hn cpl meme ae at the time trust efforts for recognition in Grea of the ts of labour. Time show which Meanwhile it is right we should — is prek td TA dn Ta BHeah working-men that we owe the present 8 Weekly calls itself a “ Journal of Civilisation,” and it is quite dn te title is pre-eminently deserved by a newspaper which prefaces the statement we have quoted by a remark ,that British work- men are Great .Britain’s “ us classes,’Fand that they are quite prepared for revolution if the Government take any 2 to recognise the South. the case of their so doing, as he Weekly—or the Weakly—the throne and aristocracy of England would “crumble in an afternoon,” and the civilising influence of mob-law and its concomitants would produce that recognition of the rights of labour to which the Northerners’ success against the Southerners will lead. Then shall we see the British workman whittling underneath his fig-tree, with a bowie ving | knife in one hand and a revolver in the other, prepared to make a “ systematic” effort to maintain what civilising eh tks the Weekly his “rights.” HORLEY’S FOOD FOR CATTLE, it is said, uces the most obese effects ; but they are peer | to those caused by Punch’s Almanack. ** Laugh and grow fat” is an admi maxim, and the laughter that is caused by a glance at Punch’s Almanack is, in its quality of 4 valent to eating turtle soup six times a-day, besides taking cod liver oil and oyster patties between meals. — a VOL. XLVI. 3B —_—

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; : | ; | : a nemecnans

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

[January 2, 1864.

OUR PRECIOUS LIBERTY OF THE) PRESS. pt = ges a © rialism might even envy British Equity the power of man to gaol for a latitude femal Seated tp be ainda aey = Ege a jury.

WHEN TO SHUT THE STABLE DOOR. ry 7h Os ahout which a controversy is raised alm UESTION ut which a is’ rai ost as often as a man is sentenced to death, is, what degree of madness entitles a culprit to be acquitted of murder on the ground of insanity? Homi- cidal monomania, it is said on the one hand. On the other, nothing short of a state in which the madman does not know what he is about. On both sides this question is argued with much temper and little logic. The disputants sneer and scoff at each other, and call one another panies. Pa party t_# senate calls the ie Ge age mercy school, and is s in return as friends gallows, an advocates of Jack fh /. sips Noy, Sir, I am not one of the love-and-mercy school. If hanging a for murder were likely to prevent any sane n from be: murdered, though there might 4 some objection to ing the aa man, I would not press it. I should not mind thieves, if hanging would stop theft, because the cheapest way o' ing of a rogue is to hang —eneees Foun» stntinaa® <6 maniet ; consult the ublic safety, I say. With that paramount object in view, Sir, let me Toeet your attention to a little which seems to have escaped that of both the love-and-mercy po and the destructiveness and self esteem school. This it is, Mr. Punch. Is what the doctors call i- cidal monomania a fact? Is it true that certain persons, knowing well what they are about, can be actuated by an irresistible impulse to kill ? If so, it strikes me that waiting until such persons commit , and then hanging them is a very unwise course. Prevention is better than cure, even if hemp is anything of the nature of a cure for murder. If such homicidal maniacs exist out of confinement, it is probable that agg = fh Ee a much I say ough i no connection with plum-pu 3 mince-pie, holly = mistletoe, because, while I do not want fm other person’s throat to be constric I am still more unwilling to have my own cut; and would much rather live and let live, and am, Sir, Your thoughtful reader, CaveETo. P.S. If deficiency of the moral sense constitutes madness that may break out in murder, let those who labour under it be shut up too, if madhouses can be built large enough to contam and the consci- ov = eae of the public is numerous enough to master them. I am no Cynic. aut then I have no disposition to insist on sternness. Sim

Mistaken in his Vocation. Tuts advertisement is from a Dublin Newspaper:— ((00K (French).—A Frenchman. wishes for a situation. as Cook in a establishment. None need apply but those who can afford him a person capable of cooking chops and kidneys, as he has a great objection to menial work. So have we, and for that matter to all sorts of work. But this Frenchman is a He would to an inferior the most delicate Any fool can make a St ee -

me oe tare peewee but few people cook a chop. e shall not send over and engage this goutiounan 9 our aby fe HOUSEHOLDERS TO THE RESCUE! Waar ho! what ho! stout , arm against the foe! Londoners, j The great Steam Giant stalks abroad, To lay men’s caging low! By trench and mine an parallel The Railway sappers crawl, Still nearer and more near, till now They breach each household wall ! Tearing you from your garden-beds, g your flowers r terre,

Coming in squadrons, deuce knows whence, And going, deuce knows where ! What is the villa of your choice, The villa of your pride, With tunnels through its basement floor, its side ? And sidings b Embankments Boekin out your view, A Station, never sti And through the hours, both great and small, The railway whistle shrill ! For compensation they may talk : But trust this word of mine— Toes you ‘ll writhe, if once you let get you in a line: The man that in “a loop” is caught, Perforce must come to grass, While o’er his prostrate property The dumpy-levels: pass ! *Tis not alone each railway gash Fair nature’s front defaces : Nor that their lines, deuce take ’em, fall Tw all the pleasant places. Were it to serve true public need, Our rights we might forego ; But for contractors’, engineers’, And lawyers’ projects, No! Then up, ye knowing Londoners, Who smell the burrowing rat, Combine against the invading lines That lay men’s landmarks flat. The iron ’s hot : strike, e’er ’tis cooled *Gainst engineers’ des It'may be men must nee But not by iron lines! ; be ruled,

A Demand for an Execution. Coronet Craw ey has been “honourably that were brought against him in the matter of the GEANT result is its being sentenced to death at a very early upon the Duxs or Camsrince and the military authorities‘iot to show any misplaced forbearance, but to execute the sentence of justice. as eeky as is consistent with humanity. That the System is sane we know, without any nonsense from mad -doctors, and

itted ” of the charges unfortunate Szr- Liuusy.. The Court-Martial system has.also been tried, and the date. We call it is therefore that we call for execution. To spare it would be cruelty to, our_noble British Army.

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January 2, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL . THE COBDEN COURT sega urt-Martial of Public Opinion, which has been sitting for so many days to try Mr. ng a on upon the ot low _ stated, = gon its i omy and having deci . n its seennne e latter having = duly referred to Mr. Punch for approval, the result may now be published. CHARGES. 1. That the —_ com gratuitous without leave iy, ad ed, interfere in mestion whi affected im Buieut, of Bir. 2 That the said CHARD Cospen did so interfere im a coarse and intemperate manner, known and un- several persons offence oer the said Jomw the said Ricuarp Cospex did manifest a desire to degrade ish Press to the level of that of America. é 4. the said Ricarp Cospen did fabricate an allegation that the English journals are written by a person called “ Anonymous, there being re ad Rg, Con : age: : 5. That the said Coppex is in complicity ‘with the said p Koghe ecndnad by Lara Fx memo are the said RicHarp Coxpey, in similar complicity as above sdeilaned, desires to arousé the illiterate classes to revolution, in order to a seizure of the lands of the rich and a division thereof among the poor. The Court of Public Opinion, with the approval of Mr. Punch, doth find the said Ricnarp CospeEn guilty on the Ist charge, but with extenuating circumstances. The oart doth find the said Ricuarp Cospen guilty on the 2nd, i 4th, and 5th ¢ The Court doth w olly and honourably it the said Ricnarp ions on the 6th , but considers he is indiscreet in ad- rg a certain kind of to those whom he describes as the most illiterate people in Europe.. Finpine. SENTENCE. The Court cannot hel Ip taking into consideration the eminent ser- vices rendered by the sai ge CospEN in the matters of the Corn Laws and the French Treaty. es allowance for his infirmity of temper, and for a certain Fae and arrogance = by his having attaine Pcp? ag erg ol without the usual previous prepara- tion. It is mindful of the fact that his mind has not been cultivated by classical or logical education, as shown by his declaration that one number of a journal called the Zimes was worth “ all the works of Tuv- cypipes,” and his su ent ion that he never reads the said jo all circumstances into consideration, the Court doth pronounce — ollowing sentence ; namely,— That Ricuarp Copp do cause the Times newspaper to be regular!, delivered at his house, and do regularly read the same (adver- —s begging letters, and “ae os from ms excepted), for -— 0 Herning discontinue the hm 3 ‘An that the said Star, until that journal of imitation of the Press 0} . Cospen do, at all leisure ake and convenient seasons, try to cultivate a little jollity and good feeling, and a belief that a ublicist, = — he Bion = a gentleman and not like an erican 2 a7 be as good a fellow as the said RicHarp ; Groner woul tre bees in hel echoes eal ed. PUNCH. (Ratified) Mem ror THE Mustcat.—Tihe best Overture to the “ Tempest.” — ApmiraL Firzroy’s " - | sperm, or gas, as ich | TPairenaity hanse i Here we are again! revelling in the cakes and ale o oe pe rage is a pleasant time, and few enjoy it more than tl wi t, the saidngeht of ol was he bands, s' brave daeakes the rthy friend Old ie. five minutes tafter the expression of this sentiment Horrer’s health however, to restrain his emotion, and winked stealthily at ro —- at him. lar, how that iy won of fay cronies, — iene pride, Re - in th himself, hes ne-voy Gat notions as to the precise meaning Poll ne end of a swell thing. that I ‘had a near the venerable pare “ ” replies Horrer. “I coached with old Waxerit been by the services of that eminent private tutor “My Tailor. He made an examination suit after my own design, of cardboard. For instance, the | events in the History of the delay pe trouble on the first day. pockets, and so The consequence was, that when.a paper on Evcirp was receptacles of my sleeve-linings, under the s at the back of m UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE. Christmas! Begone dull care, and let the memory trouble fade away! There was nothing in Sel this 7 sation during the foregomg Term, = & _ expending as the case ane eine Si Ss that amount of learnin. sternly required of all those would trings, aoe, and of a develo ge Son ium. “None but the ” said my wo CHIN, the opulent poe 9 ekg he ladled led out the steaming into the tumbler of his naghew, 7m Horrer the Cantab. hah ae an esteemed friend of the family in terms that were to affect the young man to tears. The youthful object of the else was looking chris pe Nay | is laudation and jubilation? Is it not written in fhe i ? Undoubtedly ; vith this tk ees on ell “My son, Bir," Old, Hoppe al tells all hiro e has picked academical slang from Xo bt. sed oct having beak oathe of the pie the omy The Governor,” observes Horrex junior to me, confidentially, “knows nothing about these ay ag e thinks the shave for the Third Class; so don’t youletthe eat out of the bag, there ’s a good fellow.” I am good fellow, and far be it from me to undeceive “ How did — do do the trick 1 Lads of the enacentd BA., when we are Ty tical go in for reading?” of Caius all =. and 3) through the Term.” “Wuurri ’s a good man,” T feeeme, cctetibating thes I agedlf hed “So he as,” returns Hopper, “ Masmers a better. He’s my “Your what?” and a wer neat ryt it was, specially in pockets. I reduced all m useful knowledge to the very smallest: ps ible characters on circular bits Reformation were condensed into two cards, each the size of a five- shilling piece. There was, however, a Lage ult, which occasioned me some many subjects about me, that I y ido t for the he like of me remember where each one separately was situated. placed before me, there existed some confusion in my mind as to whether his amusing propositions were in my exterior or interior coat pockets, in the secret waistcoat, or in an admirably | contrived slit con beneath the thi button of the same garment in front, or in any other of my dress. Once or twice, when I wanted a translation of \ grag got hold of the Beginning of Biatery, p. 46, and had to is hiding- place. = faring wp wh he Bs ‘us an The Peloponnesian War was always not required; and as to the Usurpation of Peisistrat of the Greek Colonies, it seemed to me that I was made up of nothi gb + formation on these historical questions. I got over the ated 7 one a of my own person, like a surgical numbers, and I never had any bother after a asee, with ORDER OF POCKETS. Raieaing of Grecian History to p. 46. of Roman 102. First ae Second Boole of Baclik, Euclid finished. Causes of the First and Second Punic Wars. (First round the corner.) pirat, cod Sees tame tongs JP ameraian We Tam \ De} Pe ars. . my Salamis. Mardonius. , Aigebra. Solutions of Probable Sicietiiin 2. a yee agg Decimals. 3. History of Reformation, Part 4 . itto. Part 11. — SOTO go It worked admirably. Let us suppose that question 1, was, “Give some account of the Causes that Jed to the Second Punic War?” Very good. Onreferring to my plan, there I found it. Punic Wars, No. 5, small pocket just over the heart. Out he came, out came the treble power magnifier, and down went the answer as right as ninepence. And so you see what I should advise any fellow to do, who can’t cram up in the re; way, is, —— But at this moment enters the paternal Hoprer with the avuncular DovBLEcHIN, and the teaching of experience is for the present lost.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. January 2, 1864. ! y ie i | iM y ! | Mj Uy Uf M) YY yy Yy ‘/ Wy Yj VELL) MMs 1, Mime rvrttl MLA mwas wae Yi jv’ SUR MIEMMMIM yyy yf, aa La a FIAT 77/7 YU YY s/f ff, 772 me ail TLL Wan) 1} Le HAIR-DRESSING IN 1863. Lady (looking at her watch). “ Dean me, I DIpN’T THINK IT WAS 80 LATE. I THINK, PERHAPS, PARKER, YOU HAD BETTER’ GO AND DREss tHe Youne Lapies’ Harr.” Parker. “ On, Ma’am,9I pip tHat Tas Morwinc, AND IT’s ON THE DressiInc TABLE READY TO BE PINNED ON!” KING CHRISTMAS DISCOURSES THE NEW YEAR. | Kine Curistmas comes. Of his approach Nature reveals no trace— No frost is on the window-panes, No snow on earth’s n face. The air is mild: in len-bowers | L hear the thrushes sing ; And but that boughs are bare of leaves, We might believe ’twas Spring. And yet by all his social signs I knew King Christmas nigh : 7 By grocers’ shops and tradesmen’s bills, Waits, wassail-bowl, mince-pie, Plum puddings with the Pantomimes Upon the boards appear ; And workhouse tables groan, that groan, Alas! but “ once a-year.” But just before her bells rang out Upon the midnight-hour, I'saw, in dream, King Christmas set, in hs wae hal ee. blue ligh nis snap- n. bowl’s blue light His face looked sad and long, The while he rocked the infant year, And crowed its cradle song. “ Sleep, Sixty-four, sleep while you may, Who knows, what sights await ™ Ww , in the troublous times | That gather at thy gate. | Since angels heralded With “ Peace, goodwill to man,’ More darkly ne’er closed old year’s life, Or new year’s life began. ** How can’ I lift the wassail-bowl, Where I see blood for wine ? How with my holly’s glossy wreath sie ey ee laurels twine ? ow to snap-dragon or mince-pie Or fair plum-pudding fall, That seem to speak of = limbs, And shell oad Saati bd P ** How hear the music of the dance While listing, near and far, Tumbril and and marching host Of nations bound to war ? How with sweet carols greet thy birth That op’st thine infant ear On sentry’s challenge, charger’s neigh, And trumpet ringing clear ? ** A heavy time hath Sixty-three, That now departs, lived through, Across the Atlantic, brothers’ hands Seen brothers’ blood imbue. Seen Russia’s heel on Poland’s neck, And Poland, in despair, Holding vain hands to powers of earth That turned them from her prayer. “ But sadder sights and bloodier scenes, I fear, thy youth await, New year, that fain to joy and love Christmas would consecrate. Oh, when will Heaven fulfil the words' With which thy reign began, And earth intone, o’er buried swords, ‘Peace and good-will to man!’”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvary 2, 1864. LEAP YEAR.—LIBERTY UNDER THE MISTLETOE. Emprnor Naporzon. “EH! NO! REALLY I! WHAT WILL MY WIFE SAY?”

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January 2; 1864] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

TO CORRESPONDENTS. Iaworus.—Yes. to dower Home From Scuoot.—(E. A.) The first line you quote, “« To be or-not to be, that is the question,” ~~ heen Tm athenan een” Perhaps some of,our readers can inform us. Tousours Parr.—if in a second-class really makes you and you can are compelled, only They ain ine first. psc» sre Sy Saag Itis every day. 3 tion of executing Mr. Davis. The and only in the of that process are the facts that Mr. Lincoln has A Lover or tae Swaa or Avow.—Nonsense. The line is corrected in all good editions. It should stand, “ Full of strange oaths and bearded like the Bard,” alluding, of course, to Gray's. Bard, whose beard “« Streamed like a metaphor in the troubled hair.” .—We do not think that any person could German thoroughly in two hours, but we do not say that the advertiser is a quack, as new me- | ee he germmggan yp ie y= taken us years, even we prefer a friend to order our pee tg be- cause last time we { and the you are w We do not: think you fit for situation at all, but at treadmill, and then. write to us

Jaye Susan V—. ham.)}—You wish to get er earate he ged 'e do not think you photograph, w ich you enclose, re} sents the wretch we ever beheld, he would the horse marines. Fahne ow A Cuartam is respectfully informed that we do not keep a register of fighting-publicans. Dezecrep says she sent a carte de visite and stamps to one of the fellows who advertise that they will copy such things, and'she has never been able to hear any stamps. Shall we give her a note excellent of the No Bicot.—We think with you that. Don Giovanni would be much lightened, and rendered more:in ac- cordance with the tasteof the age by the substitution of the dance of The Cure-for the pedantic minuet, and we know that many rsare of your Perhaps some will take a hint so based upon of popular feeling. A Curious Broarer.—We know that the was married, and is‘a widow; but we are unable to whether she drowned her husband or not. You (od hethen acte ter, enslesing steaaged ensues Serutrator.—Thanks for the information. We had not been aware that the word “‘ and” occurs. only twice in all the plays of . for verification of the statement, but have no doubt you are right. Anazet.—A diphthong may be obtained at any respec- table saddlers. It isa thong used for horses in the habit of dipping their ears, and thus showing mischief. Bricut Eres.—As a we decline to promote matri- monial arrangements. We have said to — about Inspector is a thing that most. people bi Sepedeapans apodltanan ant ile erpren, ue a no ions, a-year, wawiinmadion: Sou 00 the Qube. You. must not expect too much, when have so little to offer. Husbands fetch « good selon in thesedays. We might oF a Government clerk,‘or so! of t ? Cum you. cook? AspreL. Wiemours:—Read' the first part of our last Say thectesbe, Tose photagenghs rapranente & pevwon play ute. Your photo; represents a person quite foolish enough for that, but not, we should enough to marry on £1000 a-year. Herperr pe La Tour.—We cannot inform you in what = the Great Fire of 1666 happened. Consult the ictionary of Dates, Aw Apurrer.—The name of Shakespeare has recently been discovered by a contemporary to be a corrup- tion of Jacques-Pierre, and we consider the deriva- tion the choicest bit of Shaksperianity. But as the oe ae himself says, What's in a name? Rose by any other name would equally have been done out of his baronetcy. Arex.—If you think that we are going to explain the system of Leibnitz and his Monads to you for three pence, you are much en. It took us a week, with our coat off, to get at any idea of the things, and even no’ never mind that. We don’t mind telling you thata monad is not anything to eat. First on his return from the of* en. —' your invitation to set **comic” lines: to- you wi but we are. to:the task of doing j to melody like — THE COVE THAT'S LOST HIS LATCH-KEY. My spicy its come list te me, want I “ill tell you ’ owa ever you see Did come to awful For come home F y rhs t he was in Kamtschatky, <f've been and lost my Latoh key.” Latch, scratch, match, Ax Anorry Ow..—We can but answer your abuse with a Scotch remark: “Hoot awa!” B. B. B. Bees don’t bark.—Atiqum. We don’t chew bs a P; ag pt to uu do.—Prrer io was “Luor Se are not ey = LERPER. Soap a, soporific, a. letter like yours is.—A Lover or Vinrvr is at least not ic. —Kuna's Cross. Then he had better recover his tem- per.—Viscounrsss. Black lead your stove well, and then rub as if your mistress was looking on.—A Serious Hansom. If your fare whistles oma Sunday, poke at him eee ate of Sane wile through of ——_ —A Bap

e ur and him _—A Mopzsr toast Find ng then you ‘ll know.—Gosx.

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8 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 2, 1864, ANSWER FROM MISS ELLEN LYTTLE HUMBUG TO HER COUSIN MISS FRANCES LYTTLE HUMBUG. Tulip Cottage, Dec. 15, 1863. My Sweetest Fay, Nothing could have been more welcome to me than your kind and dear letter, you sweet girl. I have read it at least six times in the evenings before I went to and T hasten to answer you a few lines, my dear. Before I turn to the fashions I must tell you that you are quite right in ogy, he flirty Ftorna MacGrecor. not ashamed of hating, dear! O! she is the most deceitful creature I have ever known; and she looks just like a dairy-maid, you are quite right, my dearest and sweetest Fan. And that Mr. Maclwrosu with his dry face and his ugly ginger whiskers,—I am sure x0 other girl would have liked to have him for her husband. But, Frora! And now I'll tell you he wears a wig; but don’t tell, and burn this. You cannot imagine how deceit- ful that Fiona is. t Christmas, when we were staying at the Fora was invited too, and we girls, even old Miss Mecey (who would not tell her age at the last Census), used to loop our skirts as then was the Frora would not do so. is so very fat (fair and she?), and cousin Ropert, who you guess, dear, why? What fun =. had moet Rosert ob- one of Frora’s stockings and filled it with chaff, and then we measured it round the ankl e. and it measured 13 inches! Di rage, but ow she | F f—— is isa charming flow with his little black mustaches, found it out. Can | | you ever, dear——! J should be ashamed of myself, if I had such an ankle. Tam so glad you told me of the fashions, for we have not even yet ~¢ our new bonnets. Since our aire’s wife went away, we are sadly lostefor patterns. I am poing to have a black velvet mnet with a scarlet feather, Fanny has a brown round with two Blackbirds, Mrity’a white hat with a little white pigeon.— ot so nice, a and oe UISA, is gong ve an amber- coloured et with bunches of plums and little cucumbers. Don’t you think it very nice? I ho you come to see us a little ey ip ie y gE ‘0 es, an ve taade lets of yule-cakes and mince- pe es —_. dear, ” shall be m py to see you, for you are such agood-bemapared and cheerful girl, and I wish to tell you some other things about Frora Mac- Grecor; and burn this, dearest ‘AN, and give my love to your dear to Juni, Lypia, and main d Litty, and believe me to re ever your most affectionate an loving cousin and friend, Exten Lytriz Humeve. P.S. We have the washing-day, sols ear some more news. Can = send me a nice pattern for a tight sleeve, dear ? D2 YOU WANT LUXURIOUS 7 Pu ‘3 Al. ok Do P neh’ or you may be too late, and some buy it, or y not stop to ask us why, but run at once and% WHISKERS" If so, you had better one else may grow the whiskers that you the occasion of this Ball a military tem reaching from the floor to the ceiling, wil grand costume and c of February, and to surpass any previous efforts.” thoroughly teetotallish, and that not even a brandy- means procurable. parties were never so numerous, and as for theatres, they were never so thronged. It is quite pmongers’ and UNSEASONABLE FESTIVITIES. Our Yankee friends (if they will condescend to let us call them so) appear most thoroughly inclined to spend a merry Christmas, judging by the following account of their festivities, which appeared the other morning in the New York World :— “Irving Hall is already engaged for dances five nights in the week. from the present writing until the 18th of February. Prominent among these is the Ball given by the Hebrew young men on Monday evening 5 the Evacuation Ball, on the night of the 25th, by the Marion Hose Company ; the Thanksgiving Ball, on the night of the 26th, by the shipwrights of this city ; the Hebrew Ladies’ Bikam Cholon Society’s Ball, December the 2nd, usually one of the most brilliant balls of the season ; the Ball of the Young Men’s Catholic Association, on the 14th of December ; the Ball of the Caledonian Club, on the 12th of January, the finest Scotch Ball of the season ; the Biennon Coterie, also a very elegant affair, occurring annually on the 25th of January ; the grand New England Ball, on the 4th of February, beside very many others of less prominence.” We learn, besides, that at the City Assembly Rooms, “ upwards of fifty balls” will enliven this unusually festive season. Among them our attention is especially directed to— “ The "Longshoremen’s National Benevolent Association Ball, on the 25th; the Steam Boilermakers’ Benevolent Association, on the 30th ; the Machinists’ Union Protective Society's Ball, on the 2nd of December ; the Ball of the Ancient Order of Hibernians, on the 8th of December; Ball of the Thistle Benevolent Association on the 10th of December; Ball of the 5th Regiment National Guard on the 22nd of December—one of the most magnificent affairs to take place during the season ; on pie, composed entirely of muskets, and be erected in the centre of the grand ball-room ; the Father Mathew Temperance Ball on the 30th of December; the haracter Ball of the Liederkranz, to occur on the 2nd or 3rd At the Father Mathew Ball we presume that the refreshments will be ball will be by any So that here, at all events, there will be none of the “intoxication” to which this paragraph alludes in. its concluding sentence :— “ The Apollo Rooms are engaged for dances for upwards of eighty nights, reaching to the Ist of April. In fact, all the public halls are e for every night to the end of February, and some of them far into April. Private wi safe to say that this winter will see twice the money spent on balls, opera, and dresses to attend them of any former season in the This state of things cannot last always. The intoxication the country is now labouring under will be followed before long by a season of profound depression.” Considering the war in which the country is engaged, one might have guessed that rifie-balls and cannon-balls were thought of in New York Just now a good deal more than dancing ones. Ju bythe ieties which are at present going on there, one certainly would fancy that the es of New York were most of them Knownot in respectfof knowing nothing of the bloodshed that is near them. ey can surely have no friends or relations in the army, or they would y cut their capers while those dear to them perhaps are lying dead upon the battle-field, and the news thereof may come just in the middle of the Punch loves a merry Christmas, and enjoys nothing so much as seei oung people enjoy themselves. But if Punch were far from home “| i ghting for his country, he would scarcely find much pleasure in think- ing that his girls were capering in ball-rooms at the time when he per- haps was lying dead, or dying, with a bayonet between his ribs or a bullet through his brain. , THE PANTOMIMES OF THE WORLD. Tue sort of entertainment now in course of performance at all the principal theatres presents many points of to the tricks that serious fools are actually playing in earnest in both hemispheres. When the clown burns the legs of the pantaloon and others with a red- hot poker, he must remind’ every observer, who is endowed with the organ of comparison, of Mouravierr and Dz Bere tort Polish captives to wring confessions out of them. What are the Russian generals but truculent zanies gusting extravagant cruelties with the knout and the stick, and perhaps the rack and the thumbscrews, and the boots to boot ? And what a regular clown’s trick it was of the Muscovite Governor to have a man hanged before his ion could reach him, lest he should reveal the torments which had been inflicted on him. ‘Hang him, or else he’ll say we’ve been cruel!” Whata hint for Mx. Botzno! sar fae The incendiary shells which Generat Gitmore is pitching into Charleston are hideously like the fireworks which are let off on the stage, and the carnage in both Poland and. America seems represented by the people who are knocked down and pelted with turnips, cabbages, carrots, and other vegetable missiles. The plunder that goes on is matised by clown and pantaloon in their division of the spoil of fish- ork-butchers’ shops. It is earnestly to be hoped that the clowns who lay with the red-hot poker in the pantomime of real life will burn their oes.

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January 2, 1864] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. s “ CHAMBERS (NOT) LET OFF.” SHAKSPEARE. HISTRIO ANGLICANUS. Tue mock-monk who goes about calling himself “ Brother Ienarrus” on Sunday ev last week made his appearance in character, reached in the Church of St. Mary A Munster Square, Hogents Park ; “ a Church,” says a reporter of the reverend mimic’s ormance, “celebrated for some time for its ultra-ritualism.” service which led the monologue delivered by Brother Iewativs was sung to the music of real Vespers ; and the account of the evening’s entertainment already quoted presents the following picture of Mr. JGNATIUs’s make-up as a friar fn , : received tonsure, t much smaller than that of the monks in the Romish Chi >" pat By way of apology for his a a if necessary, Brother Ienativs would perhaps plead that it is only a little one. As is his tonsure, so, end with which he. pad iplinss hina soll the Knots in it andthe bare of with w eC ots in it, and the hairs o the hareskin, or “dickey” of camel’s hair such as as are made of, which may be conjectured to do him duty for a horsehair shirt. Indee he am to pe a monk. travesty = A agp or altogether; the miniature mime of a : for, In co t yj gab ps 7 ps ntinuation of the foregoing account “ He is small of stature and apparently under 30.” The following sli altered f a juvenil Peseta tr nee A+ ponte rem me There was a little : a little fan, So fantastic was the life he led led | He went to Church, and played monk in masquerade Twas thought that he was touched in the head, head, head. Little Brother Ienatrus, in short, seems to be in making a display which may be i as the whimsical personation of member of the regular Romish Order of Fratres Minores. 7 And it Does Look Like it. Somesopy says, that judging from ces, the National Suaxs- Committee setae to thik that the most iate tribute to PEARE the author of the grandest of Scotch tragedies is a Great Mull. THE TWO MESSAGES. Condensed for the inhabitants of Countries where Time is an object. wooed Fre eee oney ain’ no means tight > | e E f i 5 F 4 r i ( ti if Hh it } i TRULY AWFUL. Fase Quantities in the Westminster Salem ! ‘Well, if the world has the assurance not to cometoan end after that, it is a world of which the less said the better. We should as soon have thought of hearing bad English from Mr. Guapstowg or good from AtperMan Sipyey. In the name of Txucyprpzs and all his works, let Mz. Cospen bring this fact before Parliament even before he impeaches any editors or ome body else. Talk of illiterate masses, after this. We haye not been able to eat more than two pounds of plum-pudding at a sitting since we read the awful fact. We pres course, the school has finally broken up. If we eleven sons we would take nearly all of them away, and flog the others twice a week till further notice. We cannot trust ourselves to write on such a subject, Naval News. Tue great advance which our Admiralty has made in the art of navigation is not thoroughly known to the tax-paying public. In the hope of making people more to receive the tax-gatherer, we sub- join a line which we have just cut from the Bdiaburgh Courant :— ** We understand that the British Fleet is going to Madrid.” “?HE GLASS OF FASHION.” Our Theatrical Managers, who adapt Mzssrs. Perrer and Dincxkzs’ atent to dramatic find their best authority in the greatest of ramatists honest’ oie distinctly states that the first object of the Stage is to “ Hold the Mirror up to Nature.” (THOSE WHO ARE BLEST WITH AFFLUENCE should spend a portion of their wealth in Punch's Almanack, and distributing it among their poorer fellow-creatures, who might see it in shop windows. A thousand pounds or so, if expended in this way, give a great deal of amuse- ment to a number of poor persons, and would t the pa its being blocked up ae they are before the Punch Office in Fleet Street, and wherever else tho Almanack is publicly

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 2, 1864. oA $f \ uy 1) / oy, " — —— & —. I —_——_ "27 ——— es j at | Zii) Gi ZO of I F4 Sr, 7 1 iN y 4, SHOEBURYNESS. Captain Limber, R.A. “HaviInc PLACED OUR BURSTER AND PREPARED OUR PERCUSSION FUZE, WHICH YOU REMEMBER, BXPLODES BY THE SIMPLE FaLL OF THE NEEDLE—WE PROCEED To * * [Proresson DaBsBLEs qisite sees that the Artillery is a Service of itself, and having an appointment at the Megatherium, hurries off by the Train. THOUGHTS ON THE NEW YEAR. BY WILLIAM BARLOW. Lo!! another year hath ended Numbered with the changeless past. Will my clothes, if they are mended, _ Through another twelvemonths last ? Since when last I sought a tailor ; Longer ’tis than I cam say ; Yet these pements must grow staler Ere for fresh I’ll choose to pay. Faded cloth will hold together, Due repairs preserve old suits ; But, though skill will clout shoe-leather, h, how soon we wear out Boots ! Ah! what art avails to cobble Uppers, cracked and full of holes, ough we may contrive to hobble On‘and on by cure of soles ? Here’s a hat, which hath exuded Pinguid ooze by om of wear ; Of its nap ’tis all denuded : Hats as well as heads grow bare! Our corporeal forms, obeying Not our own, but Nature’s will, Year by year go on decaying, But our clothes go faster still ! Good for years, yet this old raiment May outlast this mortal clay, ! so have no more payment o provide for new array ! They must spare, whose means are slender, What they best without can go; That which grieves me to surrender, Least of all, is outward show. Food ‘and liquor cheer and cherish - Us in passing through this Vale. Yield us pleasure whilst they perish, As, for instance, beef and tx Unconsumed apparel shields us Best against sharp atmosphere ; Its consumption no — yields us, Only eosts so much a-year. “ AN ENGLISHMAN’S HOUSE IS HIS CASTLE.” Is it? Well, in feudal times it may have been; but now-a-days assuredly we cannot so eonsider it. If the Englishman at least be a resident in London, he certainly can scarcely call: his house his own, and, in point of mere stability, it would clearly be sheer mockery to view it as his castle. What with Railways and Main D s and Holborn Valley Elevations, his house is anything but being in the least coqree impregnable, and may be taken and demolished without a chance of his preventing it. Indeed, if the Railways are allowed to go on knocking‘ down our houses about our ears much longer, we poor Lon- doners will hardly have a roof to cover us; and we shall have to adver- tise that London is removed to the middle of Salisbury. Plain, or the interior of Africa, or somewhere else where we can live secure from town “ improvements.” “ MEAUTIFUL FOR EVER.” All who wish to be so should purchase Punck’s Almanaek, which quickly removes freckles, gives a lustre to the eye, changes red hair into black or brown, whichever is preferred, and imparts the bloom of youth to the ancientest of cheeks. One trial will prove the fact ; or, if you find it won't, buy another Almanaek or two, and try again. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn ‘Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 1! Bouveric Street, int the* Precinct of be City of London, Printers, rt their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, City of Lomdon, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, im te Parish of st. Bride, City —Sarvusvay, January 2, i86:, r

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January 9, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVART. YR WK \ os 7 \ \ = ee / \ ‘ i) h Hits WEN yi y } Wht: eR Ins Hye Ri \ GM \\ tl ar xr Lr x g Lom WZ | The Rev. Oriel Bland (who has come to perform the duty for an absent friend, at a small Country Church). “I supposE A HyMN IS SUNG IN THE USUAL SIMPLE MANNER,” | Clerk. “ OH DEAR NO, StmR; WE HAVE‘A VERY EFFICIENT CHOIR OF SINGERS, BESIDES THREE VIOLINS, THREE FLUTES, A CLARINET, ACCORDION, HORN, AND MY Bass FIDDLE; anD WE sinc Four Hymns, BESIDES CHAUNTING THE PSALMS AND LiTaANY; WE KNOW Mozart’s TwELFTH SERVICE, AND TO-DAY WE PERFORM | Purcety’s TE DEUM AND JUBILATE, BESIDES OUR USUAL ANTHEM; AND, SiR, YOU | NEED NOT TROUBLE YOURSELF TO READ THE BELIEF, FOR WE SING THAT TOO; AND, SIR, WOULD YOU PREFER OUR TUNING-UP FOR THE LAST PIECE DURING YOUR EXoRDIUM OR AT THE BLESSING, FOR MY Bass FIDDLE WILL DROP HALF A NOTE DURING SERVICE, AND——” [The Rev. O. B. turns pale and asks for a Glass of Water. THE HOUSEHOLDER’S VOICE CONDUCTOR. _ A Votcr Conductor, constructed after an old just been patented. tead of being similar in form and size to a miniature ammonite, and small enough to be carried in the waistcoat pocket, it resembles in shape, and exceeds in dimensions, the good old ear-trumpet of our grandfathers and grandmothers, and approaches the magnitude of such an acoustic instrument as would suit the c to one of those intellectual performances which at this. season constitute the a yo attractions at the theatres. The use to which his Pantomimic Majesty woul apply his ear-trumpet would be principally that of beating his courtiers about the head with it. That for which a Voice Conductor ‘has been designedly fabricated on a scale of exaggeration, is different. The Householder’s Voice Conductor ‘as it is named by its inventor, is intended to be carried to the Clerken- well and Central Criminal Go to be summoned away from their businesses and the bosoms of their families to — the useless functions of Grand Jurymen at the Old Bailey and Middlesex ssions. The householder who has had the wisdom to provide himself with this the jury-list is ‘called over, and, when the jury are to be sworn, he should get close to the clerk who administers the oath, and insist upon thrusting the Voice | Conductor against his mouth. By thus attracting the attention of the presiding Judge, he may happily succeed in obtaining his discharge; although, to be sure, the Judge may justly consider stone-deafness itself to constitute no impediment to the discharge of that limited duty, for the farce of whose performance the necessity of attending to be cooped up in a filthy place, and brought into contact with disgusting brutes, is imposed upon the Middlesex Grand Juryman. pattern, but on a new principle, has ter and purposes of a deaf sovereign in the introduction | urt, by householders who may have the misfortune | ingenious contrivance, should apply it to his ear with conspicuous alacrity whilst | A PANTOMIME MEDLEY. Ain—“‘ Billy Patterson.” Solo. *Tis at Covent Garden at this merry time, Chorus of Children. Oh, Pynx and Harrison ! Solo. St. George and the Dragon is their Pantomime. Now I tell ye, Now I tell ye, That splendid Prince! I see Him smiling now on me, Of course the “ He’’,’s a “She.” And then the Sceneree ! The Paynes on hobbies ride ; From laughing at their fun, You’ll have pains in your side. Chorus of Everybody Solo by Paterfamilias. At Old Drury Lane we must all of us show. Chorus of Enthusiastic Juveniles, Oh, ¥.B.CHarrerton ! Solo. Where Sindbad the Sailor is really a ‘‘ Go.” So I tell ye, So I tell ye, A child, a baby wee, Plays very cleverlee The Oid Man of the Sea, *Tis wonderful to me! To Drury ride or walk, - But stop there till ’tis done, Then loudly call for Faxc- -ONER and CHATTERTON ! Ain—“ Gentle Zitella.” At the Adelphi. Lady Belia Belie Goes after Leah Uncommonly well, And for the title, We'd say ’tis the thing Which in the ears of The Town ought to ring. Atrn—“ Ole Dan Tucker.” I came to town the other night I asked the people for a Christmas Sight: ** To the Princess’s Theatre you should go,” said they, “To see Zom Tucker, ’tain’t out of your way.” Quite in my way, Is Tom Tucker ! (bis.) ite in my way Is Tom Tucker, Then go back to Evans’s for supper. lighted, Oh, Pyne and Harrison ! Arr—“‘ The Bold Marco.” Mr. Fecuter's Popular Song in Bel Demonio. } **Soho! Soho!” Dean Street, Soho! You will see such a “glorious” sight ; For Jzion he Still remain “at the Wheel,” For many a winter’s night. Soho! Soho! ’tis the place to go! ° (Da capo with a long run, KNOX ET PRATEREA NIHIL! In these days of startling and puzzling advertisements, it is pleasant to find that the Go-a-headers in the fourth quarter of the world are introducing an elegant and pleasing style of literature into their advertising columns. e extract the following from an American paper :— ‘Licht AND Becominc.—It is very desirable at this season to | have the head furnished with a light, cool Hat ; but at the same time | we must not ignore beauty, or sacrifice appearance to comfort, especially when there is no occasion for it, while Knox, of No. 212, | suitable for all heads, as light as air, and as cool as cucumbers.’ suggests a difficulty. ‘are the Straw Hats not soft? | talented maker not to ] | hat, lest some sharp rival might take occasion to observe that, | whether the material was hard or soft, ’twould be incon- | venient to walk about with perpetual Knox on the head. Broadway, has such elegant and becoming styles of soft and straw Hats | The conjunction placed between “ soft” and “ straw” Are the Soft Hats not of straw, or | We should advise this | Led his name in the crown of every | ] VOL. XLVI. Ic

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PUNCH; OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jamuary: 9. L864, ROE: gy ‘Gy V LFF Mamma. “ Wxtt, Macers; wao-pip-you Dance WITH LAST NIGHT?” Maggie. “ Ruartx, Mamua, I qurne. Forcer. I’ve Lost my CAgp.” NE SUTOR ULTRA CREPIDAM. (4 Christmas Love-episode inthe liféeof « Comic Contributor.) Tr was the night on which I had’ made up my mind to propose to: Avztina Pertrrog, and for ever-cut out that abominable Dr Yawrave of the Dragoons, or ‘somethi: else, hang him! Where shouldiweigo? in what place could I tell my love? Pe Oh, ‘Me. Quire!” said.the fair creature, “ you owe me severalpairs: coves.’ faa for hadn’t. I,. sly fox. that I was, been shamming sleep-in an arm-chair before the fire, until I was nearly done to rags, for the sae af f Pari: alitierns Gratitude, and from Her! I forget what was my exact reply, but I took her observation entirely to myself. She-undeceived me YT don’t mean that,” cae whispered, turning towards me as.weowere /aqueezing overvthiapeople’ 8 feet to our seats ; a but look—there ’sCar- arr to us.’ i, And so: tliere»was; I anathematised him; and immediately liad to logisevfor treading on the tender corn of am elderly spectator. t e toakour places ; Miss Pertitor betweem Yawraw and myself. My intelléetual conversation, ” thought I,“shallishow Miss Parrrror bass setoriocsy of Mind over Matter ; »” matter inthis instance: being pearly YAwy aK. made m some valet, enthusiast, im the that I shemlilibe turnedioat. I smiled detiuoeabthemn, see ny scormim “ee of my fage a stage. Rit suggested J come:tmlook back ‘ttthink:shesad! much: water came ‘at late. Fhiries: grouped Haein about. ; me@ ; NOW was ime. for my proposal. Iss. Saeed ©. begam,, wath avliow tlirest and’ a husky lee, nak at all like a lover’ “Miy-desn- Mites: Phereeee:—ahem-—” !” exclaimed a ; Tesice came from the; fiontt:rawroff' tlie pit; and Pleketan bootmmker, who unfirtanatalje @emerallaffability, Ais ideas of equality, EEwas obliged to say “ Ah, 0?” tuemed to Yawyaw; and the-fiéndisiy. bootmaliem: “held ' me:. witht this eye,” “ar his glittering I. O). 0 as:iteunfart “Y¥er ’ve something to do with ay inttyen? Not ow of ‘thits;: Apamnr A fr worlds would I have had jwho had heard me reason with ay on eal ow damite existences and German throne Lhadi always felt that: her-ethereal nature would despise buton I dared moelook at perhaps of horror, poe of ‘disgust, events I looked notéat her, catia bootmaker in the:fiamt-row afi Skew unbend: to- my teadesmem;; ean ‘ve paid efor yer,” vegut-arddie- whispered the brate;. oud: enough tor be heard’ by his.admirmg friends, -and nobody * * hush,” a order, ” or “turn out.” ‘ “ Thisll do for. your. paper better. than anythink yer’ve ’ad‘ fora ” if pom ee ever agai them. | 2 beatmaker itying the Comic. Contributor art: “only used a.W,,,I°d owe "partially fo ven him, “ Vy does. the mane o’ this ere theayter always seem = ns e "OF sonae hough 17d:mad@. the, joke, myself course I gave.it.up,, tho Py e the, + 30 @. ‘times before in a better. form, and..of. course. he po en to. guess, taking no refisal. hy 5 thought. "twas vun too. many for. yer.” (Yes: Ae pitied me! “Vell, this is it,” says he, pointing to. the: Mi rs name, in the: bi °Cos even when he’s laughi hing, he’s always Vins being daintily saluted on thie forehead bya sweet, > pouting pair of lips. I boil over with anger while penning*this account, as I subsequently'| found, that that infernal Ds Yawraw bribed the boy in buttons to |? perform the above-mentioned operation on my forehead, while he, the | crafty Dragoon, was kissing my ApEnINA—I mean his Avetrya—in_a| dark corner of the same a ment. But no matter--ahem ! “Miss Perritor,” I said, believing her to be true as steel, * what: is | y sweet one’s hand. I said, not daring to call her Apermva (Oh! “here are your gloves, and will you—I mean t * Here, Miss Perritos,’ had I but known! ),° is—would you—— She bashfully looked down. ould you——” Ah! what was I going to say ?—“"Would: yon— like £0 5 go to the Pantomime ?” Tt was a capital idea, for old Mr: Perrrroz. had just: entered the room. “ Lcan’t go myself,” he said (who'd asked him ?)). “But if you.don’t mind taking charge of a young puss like——” His venerable mouth was stopped. by one of my elfin gloves, with a hand in. it. At the present season I selected Little Tom Tueker as a suitable _per- formance, for I saw by the bill that there was to be a.“‘ Grand Fairy Congress on a Lake of Real es seg and =. ye meg psa nity could there be for a display of my Foren ections, in a very torrent of flowing eloquence, which should even ~ mang r we pals Bae reality of the Transformation Scene. en pot toa ar number ? ’ Ev en Prver himse stood amazed when I repeated ta}: fin the fairy-like size of m hink for it; vulgar dog! The oe for og ome was over. Ti etermined to take Miss PErriTor home,, and rbaps I | might be able to re-establish myself in her good o inion ~ then —— Oh; my Apznnva! Oh; my Perrrros! e;, gone’ from-me for ever! »” While:my: head wasturned (ay; in more:senses: than: one), while-the real water was bubbling over the stage (oh, my streaming eyes?) — the Bamptious Bootmaker was communicating” his confounded. co hat | °alities in my:ear; she, he, He and She, had departed: : Dwent-out into the raw gaslighted night. “Aocw’s fly from Hislington!” shouts Waterman No: Everybody's carriage drives up in its proper course : ‘Aen? 's fly, Tam told, is-coming. Bverybody went in everybody’ ~ carriage. The Theatre: was closed. *Ack’s fly was no longer: “coming;” it had gone; long; long-ago, erhaps: to Gretna Green, or wherever eloping couples do: go’ in these jays, and the other morning the bill was:sent in tome: TI forwarded: it to Caprarn-Yawraw-at his Club, and on that same afternoon settled finally: with my: bootmaker, and noted to him the ancient Latin maxim, the heading ot this story, which eing in-a language “not understanded. non the sy produced no: effeet upon the man, save. making him ie so'L left him, as Apeimva had left me—for-EvER. RIDDLE’ BY” A; SHUFFLIER. Wien does.a Card Soseee meet, with his match ? ran, Ma..Qur, how nice this is!” said my ADELDNA. Wher he.“ faces.”’a,Kmave: Vormngrecable, and talked’mgreattdtabnntil the gallery | : hey cauldn’t OF nied; not yet did I dare to look towards Aprtiva. Evem the: 8, scores of: | .. told me-that:I-could “ use-it” if I liked; and’ he wouldn’t charge |

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January 9, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | -VOLUNTEERS AND VICTIMS. ONTINVALLY has Punch | complained of the | practice that exists with certain Volun- | teers of returning from’ a march’ at| nearly twelve o’clock at night, disturb- ing peaceful people by the braying sf their bands. ‘Now, Wolun- ‘teer corps were cre-| ated mot *to’break the | ry to me wannot march ithowt a b by wi 3 all meaus let that | ;wanted for the purposes:of eee mockery. their hind legs are .chopped off ‘for the i ouiknow ‘best how e , or where sey wort dis- =) turb:people who want » to go ‘to sleep. ‘As ‘their business gp. ‘Ff mess—however, we FROG HE WOULD A-WRITING GO. following is the real text of the letter which the Emperor or France has-sent to the little Pretender who has been proclaiming him- self in Holsteim. The latter, it may be remembered, wrote to NaPoLEon, compared himself and his early misfortunes with the Emperor and his mishaps, and asked for aid on the ground that, like L. N., the Pretender was appealing to the principle of nationalities. Count De Morny kindly got us.a copy of the letter, which we have literally. To my Cousin ‘the ; Dear Covusty, ps wind : THE ing fable about'the Frog that wanted to blow itself into the size of the Bull is familiar to you, for all princes are told fables. Well, mytear little Frog, you arefancying yourself like me. ‘Now we havemoreumity against you for bemg i. indeed, as you know, frogs arelfaveurites with Frenchmen,.and our:dear Bull over La Manch with more pertinacity than polite- be-said*to have worked out that*theme = hence amends by always arn his . ‘But, cousin I ‘warn you against certain dangers. ogs, like hepinpe i.” ire I fear you havebeen in areserved when to Jeap “into Holstein. Yousknow how -daid on a block, and ‘They are stewpan. My-dearest cousin, many legs youcan «spare. But itss due to;cousin- and all‘the finer lodageste haltwon that if the Krve.or Denmark should thave reason to complain of ill-treatment, and -whose wishes I live but to obey, should suggest -that you mount ‘the block tead ofithe:throne, it will be witheousisily tears in myeyes, but with -ybox d THE e may a that.I-shall: toexecute) densive, they sthould |hallowed ‘the not use their @rams |, and trumpets as wea- |} pons of offence, and this they certainly become when ‘blown-anil'beaten "before houses in the middle of the.night. Possibly such musie may‘be*sport ‘to those who ‘march, -but -it «may perhaps be death to those who are awakened by it. If every Volunteer, when next he goes upon a night march, would as be passes through the streets just think how many perme may be lying fever-stricken, or worn out with aver. in t / 2 ogee gmt a would, if he possess any right and proper feeling, vote at once for stoppmg the m Sunt discordant oom and refuse to march again ‘with music in the middle.of the night. = = : E ; The Waits, whose mission is to make night hideous at Christmas time, may have -some slight excuse for it in the fact that they earn money—more’s the pity—by their music, and at any rate their torturing comes only once a-year. “But Volunteers have no such pleas as these to offer for their.noise, and the.sooner they are bound over to keep the the better. “What with hanjo brutes and barrel-orgaus ‘to torture us by day, and Volunteers to victimise us with their bands. by night, people with hearing have rather a bad time of it, and one begins to envy people who were born stone deaf. DOGBERRY IN PRINT. Tue Public: may expect:somevery amusing articles on the “‘ Helstem i ” from :the ‘Special Correspondent of the Daily a We were led to this conclusion by the subjoined: han his Letter which appeared on the:twenty-ninth of December last. ‘Says the Special Correspondent :— '**T think I told you commotion that there ofone's drain,” &e. dc. The ‘italics are ours. “Tf ever man‘wrote himself down an ass, this is the modest individual. “Editorial kindness, not to mention :self-respect, ight “surely ‘have razed-ont ‘the stultifymg epithet, and allowed ‘the ‘toremain ; or the lime might have been treated -as ar: literal -quibble, and been ‘harmoniously understood as “‘ the asses’-skin tablets of one’s brayin’”” This‘interpolation of a “Y ” -would-not have had much ‘of a “: fore”’ to ‘account ‘for it; but the charitable Editor could*have boldly-quoted the ‘example of certam Sh: i Commentators, who take every opportunity of inserting an / here, an-m or # there, as the case may be, without the slightest regard to either rhyme or reason. We-doubt.not»but thatvevery Special Correspondent is judiciously chosen from among, those whose powers of quick accurate mination and ready ent ‘have ‘been «strengthened by ‘that experience ‘which comes ‘by length of days, or as we ‘may say in’my last—though really one writes amid such a bustle and is no-recalling the:memoranda noted on the asses’-skin tablets | in this particular case, h of ears. the Beerbarrélsttoggive ume -his -atlvice as to'the best form of chopping block. “He'has not much delicacy, buts great at inventions, and he thinks with me on this Danish business. And so, my dear cousin Frog, wishing you all the compliments of the season, Jon strongly advising’ you not to burst, believe me, Your affectionate friend, Louis Naroteon, Paris, Vendredi soir, Elected.of the Millions. PUNCH IN THE WILDERNESS. ' _ Mr. Puxcn answered so Correspondents last week that he intended to have done with those bothering parties for some time. But here is a | ame communieation, for:which he must. find room. R. Wiu1aM Jonrs, late of Feregate Street, Chester, who resembles Lorp PALMERSTON in being a cabmetamaker, writes to»the Chester Record ‘which we hope in no resembles its P: erian namesake of London) to say that when about 2,000 miles from civilisation, that is to say at the W. «west, Mx.-Gox):foot of the Rocky Mountains, among || the Blackfoot and Flathead Indians— * We (Mr. Jones and another tishman) picked up.a-whele leaf ef Punch, and had a great time over the camp fret : - . No doubt. ‘Weare very that [two ~worthy men lighted on the leaf in question. Thus doth Mr, ‘Punch present himself, ubiquitously. In what part of Creation is henot found, ready to'be guide, philosopher and friend? Such testimonials‘ are nothing new to him, ‘nevertheless they are welcome. We,learn that Mr. Jonzs.and.his friend, with their minds elevated by ‘Mr. Punch’s wisdom, and their hearts cheered by Mr, Punch’s wit, went aan way, and we trust that they - r% Tl their fortunes. “ S “may he ,addressed, 85, Fleet treet, K.C. SPIRITUAL EXTRAVAGANCE. Tue Ecclesiastical Commission has ‘endowed benefices ~permanently to the amount of £160,000 a-year. Their income is more than £250,000 a-year. What becomes of the difference? A part of that is paid for the management of their . ‘Phe sum applied to this prsposs is nearly £60,000. The rest does not appear tobe accounted for;.but nobody ‘but a.teo insinuating fellow would on this account. exclaim, Who-would not. like to be an Ecclesiastical Commissioner? “A poor fellow, however, witha wife and several children, or with expensive personal wants, may be*permitted to express ‘the'wish that he had the management of the Ecclesiastical Commissioners’ fund.

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PUNCH, OR [January 9, 1864. THE LONDON CHARIVARI : | « ... POOR COUSIN. CHARLES. a ‘ Juvenile, ' ian CaLi, THOSE THINGS COUSIN CHARLES SMOKES CIGARETTES. Eu, Potty?” Polly. ELL, DEAR; BECAUSE THEY ARE LITTEE Cicars, I suppose!” Juvenile. “On THEN, WOULD Cousin GHARLES BE CALLED a CaPTAINETTE, BECAUSE HE’s A IiTTLE Captain?” [Jonzs, who is a Volunteer, but is six feet high, twirls his moustachios with mild complacency. ae Rae r= _—— x — em ANTESAUSAGE LEAGUE ° Mr. Beer’to brave Monsreur BORDEAUX, re much for that Congress, you know, Says «“ I di But y' you and I are old Europe’s police, And ch with’ preventing a breach of the peace. “* These small German s kick up.a shine, And when bad men conspire, Monsieur, good men combine, So I think it becomes us, as vigilant Bobbies, : To tickle the various Teutonical tobies.” - Monstevr Borpeavx to his. friend. Mr. Brzr, “To take what.’s not ours is the act of a thiek;: And I’ve mentioned the fact in a way. he.will feel To that little Augustenburg beggar at Kiel: “I’ve hinted beside, that, although Iréespect The right of a people its King to elect; ' If Denmark is weongyt by this thing they ’re about, The Sausages party had better look out.” Now, if Beef and Bordeaux in opinion unite, That the fat little Sausages mustn’t show. fight, And the fat little Sausages won’t be denied, They mustn’t complain if they find themselves fried, Respecting Youth. Tue old maxim, “ Maxima debetur puero reverentia,”—a precept that should be received with childlike trust, since it comes from JuvENAL— is 99 Wi pocsaad confirmation of the solemn injunction that is always being laid upon us, that if we wish to live to a good old age, wé mustn’t abuse our youth. ‘ JUSTICES’ MERCY. ‘Tig subjoined statement, which has appeared in the Brighton Examiner, will “be, read with large allowance for the hard’ neeessity by which British Magistrates are obliged in the administration e€justice :-— ‘* PuntsHEeD For Livine Too Lonc.—A pauper in the Uckfield Union, named Witt1aM Noviss, aged 82, was charged before the Magistratig’ with refusing to work. ‘The poor old man, who had lived twelve years beyond the $lireescore years and ten allotted to man, said he was unable to work, but their worships thought differently, and sentenced him to twenty-one days’ hard labour,” _ Everybody must sympathise with the kind-hearted Justices in the sorrow with which they felt themselves constrained, bound as they were by their official duty, to commit a poor old boy of eighty-two to twenty- one days’ hard labour, a sentence that includes a diet as bad as workhouse- fare, for declimihg work on the ground of inability to do it at his time of life, which seat Tave been manifest. That they “ thought differently ” from the aged prisoner on this point is mere surmise; there could not haye.been two opinions about it. It is not difficult to suggest a parallel to the grief with which they were agonised in enforcing the law irre- spectively of natural feeling. Brutus felt much the same when he sent his sons to the block, or whatever the ancient Romans used instead of one. Or these tender Beaks experienced anguish similar to that which rends the hearts of benevolent Russian soldiers, compelled by Dz Bere and Movuravierr to whip, hang, and torture captive Poles. Poor Justices! Yes;. we pity. them very much, and hope that the cruel law which hast cost them so much pain will be mitigated. We wish them very many happy New Years, and the ability to do work, if necessary, at eighty-two. Ingratitude of the Future. Tue Pors has recognised Jerrerson Davis. Our friend Victor- EMMANUEL says that one of these days (France volente) JEFFERSON Davis may have to decline to recognise the Porg.

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Yj f Y Y) Yi 4% / Yi) VR I M0) YW Ir — |, \ al { Pays \i\h (yy Af, 3 ’ ; { b } Y D, Paes “y oe WU) / GY My YY Ki) hivit Lip, Vif Yy YY ij 4 7 s, ME, f tiff, Vif Ww Afi) if, f/f 4 Ye f ‘yOST “6 AUVONV(—JTYUVAIMVHO NOGNOT AHL YO ‘HONOd «i ITTV & LVHI—@UL FHL OLNI NVdONIAUI DHL JO LAO dWoar LNOd “SNVNUAD TIVWS, NOX AUTH WOOT ‘MON ,, ‘atag aH, ‘SHOVSOVS NVNUHS AHL ONV “ANIM HONHYA AHL ‘AWA HSITONG WAL

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| Sammame: 95,.1864) PUNCH, OR THE:

WILLIAM: MAKEPBACE THACKERAY. (DECEMBER, 241Tu,. 1363.) Hie was a-cymic: = a je a a B sctitin = you.miglit. read it writ ay ry = yy crowned ‘with its silver hain; In those blue eyes with child-like candour lit, In the-sweet smilé-his lips were wont to wear:. He: ue eae: thelove that:clung: hom tocar Kinchildven, frends guia “ia ears ete pes ol gee a :_ let: his books confess silent, love; —— rare, Bivens Vin Liltle Siawrek of loving care... 4nd if his. acts, afféctions, works and. Big Ht death, ch, publ, poe for slave-emancipation, but for is cruelties | ta. a a. hed’ in Bayarp: Taytor. is i the same ee ee men shi eld be bagel, piked or kicked to Ramet ot every hundred Boles, ninety-nine are: Jaws, and. the. hundredth is.a commend this humane ores to the ag Barns orcs and. other Hebrew capitalists. P erhaps, | -heeled emissary: of Sti Petersburg ask. Nomen ay for his men tah know is-represen’ as: “ar 00 I for exterminating the Southe ok Federals. and their domgsin Pol LONDON: CHARIVART. cab sesenntien Saino © shi ai character each ! oe a OX) =a harap aoe <tr from his difficulty ; rant if'we object to a class o: si lor to a style of treatment that gives its distinctness. We are a the fanatics or ithe are not identical) to,dény. ' mk agp = spirit, but i ‘to respect. for Wee ‘which we ane to pay so cp, lad in the streets for a and are amor possible for those wha need their stimuli, but i eatres, we must none ee ea ‘the boxes and six-and-sixpence for the stalls,! semper is quite as great as our herwairn eacellence, boasts. of its. ro ho has w re 1s an r-manager, who exalted SHAKSPEARE, labould be his chief task to im rove. True it, ‘infliction only lasts, till, eight 0” ese that, i | the first hour, we are een it would ony doen or our perplex

\dinner. It would be.to affirm that. eight, 0 | at this house between vulgarity on one minead | Up to which point. the resent, aot | ladies and gentlemen: such an jnot be without certain conveniences. It would one. evening o’clock pr coor and afterwards enjoy-an

CALCRAFT ON THE, CONSINENT. | spectacle. m a THE FECHTER: FARCES. facts: thaty.it_ presents: a. eachother; anda moder | ina spun epprpline pepetlpeinneney oe oon var ee iam, a uunl-ant oe Deg suni a . hich; it ' Naan be be taken.in eee the Yankees- take ’clock..was: ‘teabeam the other. | was acknowledged as the only audience | er which it was the rule to discover. that. there were also | ment we.are quite aware would be particulary advan- tageous for our fast young country visitors; it would enable them in tian catia ie ac elegant drama_at ne Sree apt Tue Federal Execution:in Holstein: i ceaily a modem |

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18 PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [January 9, 1864. IN FAMINE. es iene THE VERM | Tae “ Fox-Famine,” which is said to exist in Ayrshire, might, by a natural mistake, be supposed to be a scarcity of geese and other poultry, as a rats-and-mice famine would be understood to mean a searcity of cheese. It used to be a true saying that “the fox carries the goose,” but this hardly holds good to be applicable to circumstances in that county, unless the measures which, under the auspices of the Earn or Ecrrnton and the Marquis or Aisa, have been adopted in regard to the vulpine race, answer | their purpose. = Fox ne —— — of foxes ; = if vss pearance of these useful animals before advancing agriculture an cores cannot be arrested, there will soon be no foxes in that division of Scotland to steal any geese, if there are any there: besides those which may or may not abound among the bimanous mammals. be tale yn pa me mag be utility of awe Me gees 2A bee by | a Drush and ramming I Own a gainsayer S » WO appear | more ridiculous to those who hold it than to those who do not see it. | Who would have thought of arguing with a learned and venerable nobleman if he really had been such a monodunce as to say that he thought. SHaKsPEARE an overrated man? Foxhunting is like poetry ; is, in fact, a part of the poetry of the nation. So is every field-sport and all the animals of the chace are poetic things. But so, too, is all woodcraft, with every creature that it concerns. Foxes are vermin’; but | they are fancy-vermin ; and let those who deny the claims of fancy be | anathema. There are, however, other fancy-vermin besides foxes. There are eagles, golden and other, falcons, hawks, owls, and other birds of | prey; besides badgers, polecats, weasels, stoats, and otters, of which one was seen the other day in the valley of the Itchen, and has probably been since killed by some curmudgeon, lest it should destroy a few trout. These fancy-vermin were formerly numerous enough; not too much so : | they were kept under. But now that the successors of the old English gentlemen have become poulterers, the British fawna, under the name of vermin, are getting ex in order that the greatest possible tity of game may be sent to market. In’ such a county as Hamp- shite, for instance, you now scarcely ever see such a thing as a kite, or a buzzard, or a sparrowhawk, or a raven. The Fox, I know, is a sacred animal. He is dedicated to the rites of | Horse-Worship. I have, I trust, a nae respect for that form of | devotion, and for the Fox which it adores in subordination to the | pa , meoreya But let me also stick up for the divinity of the | and forests altogether, for old Pan, and the fawaa at large, which Iitake-leave to call fancy-vermin ; so no more at present from your faithful Medium, who begs that you will accept this communication as transmitted from the spirit of Museum Street, January, 1864. Linvazvs. LETTER FROM MR. GLADSTONE. My pear Mr. Puncs, : You know how happy and honoured I always feel in com- municating with you, whether upon Chinaware, Taxes, or the Homeric poems. 3 Of those three courses, the second is pleasantly open to me at the present festive period. You will remember—for you remember everything—that in my last Budget I proposed sacrifices of national income to the amount of about millions and one-third. But there is really no calculating the amiable elasticity of our resources, The national balance sheet (of which I send you the earliest copy) shows that I have lost but half a million. It is, I know, needless to say to you that a Penny of the Income- Tax represents a Million. It is, I hope, equally needless to say that I shall, on the strength of this gratifying result, propose, in April next, to take off Two-Pence from that tax. Will you kindly make that announcement, in order to increase the happiness of the present season, and will you believe me, with my best yourself and your estimable family (regards in which Sir SrerHen Guiynve begs to join), Yours most faithfully, Hawarden Castle, Flintshire, Wu E, Giapstone. New Year's Day, 1864. Wonderful Agreement Between the French and English. Tere is a plan in agitation to make a raffle of the Great Hasterz. The lottery is to be organised and drawn at Frankfort, and the first prize is to be the Big Ship itself, This will be designated—as is usual with all lotteries on the Continent—“ Je gros lot,” and there is no cky winner, when the monster vessel is handed over in Ayrshire, and will soon cease | had ‘therefore the fare was sixpence. denying that the lu to ~ will receive “a great lot” for his money. CRIME ITS OWN EXCUSE. As a medical man, who has had much experience in lunacy cases, I beg to call your attention to the following Police report :— Sr, ** An impudent looking girl named Brown, who had been remanded for stripping children of their clothes, was brought up again before Mr. Henry. In one case she taken off every article worn by a little girl except its shift, and left it to perish | on a cold winter's evening in the doorway of a shop. Two children of five and seven years old, who had been sent to the Victoria Theatre to attend a special Religious Service, had also been stripped by her. Other cases were proved. Mr. Hewry fully committed her for trial.” Now, Sir, I sincerely trust that this poor girl will not be punished- T have no morbid sympathy with crime, but I think that we ought to inquire into the state of her mind. There are: several things that may urged as extenuating reasons why she deprived these brats of their clothes. She may have visited the Crystal Palace and been struck with the beauty of the undraped infantine diese to such an extent that she may have been unable to resist the impulse to reproduce the objects that had impressed her ill-regulated mind. More probably, however, she had seen objects of greater necessity than Fri well-cared-for |’ children, and in the impulse of uneducated benevolence had resorted to this rough-and-read re of clothing the former, a course that would denote a bewildered sense of justice, but not depravity... Again, as the robbing children is a crime against which, when it is committed by a | sane person, Society revolts, we may suppose that a female who would | so act must have been driven out of her senses by some real or imagi wrong sustained from the parents of these children or of others, an that she was wreaking an insane revenge. Lastly, Sir, she may have | been in love, which is in itself a species of roe my and may have stopped at no means by which she could purchase some Christmas | offermg for the object of her affections. Surely, Sir, Society will not allow this poor girl to be sent for three | months’ hard labour for stripping a parcel of children, who have probably | been re-clothed by this time. In the name of our profession, I call upon you to publish this protest, and am, Sir, Your obedient Servant, Crotchet Lodge. Crankey Cracker, M.D. 3 A CACKLE FROM A CORRESPONDENT. Dear But UnBeLievine Puncn, In your admirable Pocket-Book I read a clever letter from an able Correspondent, proving quite conclusively that SHAKSPEARE was | a Spirit-rapper, or at any rate had faith in the existence of the Spirits. That another divine poet—need I name poor dear Loxp Brron ?—was | also a believer in ton. is fully shown, J fancy, by the words his Manfred uses, when about to summon the fair Witch of the Alps. ee Puewrs I hear, omitted them; but the words, you know, are these :— “* T should be sole in this sweet solitud And with the Spirit of the plaice divide The homage of these waters.” Rada with the oe oat the in Ca he miguel it “ piece’) this passage may perhaps appear a little fishy. But to my mind i conveys the most distinct assurance that Lorp Byron was a Gprritualist ; and when such men as he and SHaksPeaRE are thus proved to have believed that Spirits do exist, surely it is time for Punch to be converted. In hope of this, believe me, yours, with the profoundest sympathy, Clapham Common, Tuesday. Ann_OLDGoOosE. A PULL AT A ROSE. We have sympathised with ALDERMAN Rose upon his having been ill-treated by the Government, who refused him a netcy because he is a Tory, and beat them at Southampton. But we shall not ee a- thise with him any more if he supports cabmen in demanding double their fare. A Hebrew gentleman and his friend took a cab a certain distance, which being measured was found to be under a mile, and Cabby demanded a s , and ALDERMAN Ross is reported to have said that Cabby “ ought to have: had the shilling, as there were two persons,” and the Alderman rather snubbed the Nall who said, fairly enough, that he had resisted the cheat on principle. Now, really Alderman, you must not do this sort of thing. We rely upon the Fathers of the City to help the Mothers of the Graccul, and everybody else’s mothers, against cab-extortioners, and if Justice goes over to the wrong side, we shall take the liberty of sub- mitting her scales to the Jury that goes: round seizing bad weights and short measures. We hoped better things of you, Mr. Rosz, and we are afraid that you almost deserve to be a baronet—no, that’s harsh, at Christmas time, but don’t do this again.

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Jawvarr 9, 1864] PUNCH, “OR. THE LONDON CHARIVARL 19

PAINT-POT ADVERTISEMENTS.

or of Stepney, wine 3s as: ronal — tage ae: Gagner] ae At the present festive seasom What witli Railway Bri Wires like ph fap carried son our house-tops, we lpm gee « have certainly few pros Why did we break off diplomatic relations with poor Bomsa? Not half the good old Euro; games were performed in his name that are now practised under the authority of AmmxanpER? Why did we cut Wit somebody please do some-| Bomwsa and don’t cut ALExanpeR? Because: Bompa was weak and we thing to induce Sm Ricwarp are afraid that ALexaNnDER is:strong? Qh! Perish the base suggestion. Mayng; or the Lorp Mayor, or | Of course we do not believe a Da — and. Movravierr are such Viscount PALMERSTON to funny fellows as they are meer ee ~ are satisfied that they: are not smash and put astop to the in the habit of playing any practical jokes of painful nature.omeaptive abominable practice o peeing | | Poles yo em 8 — eg - he | walls about London, = — i a those. which | FRAUDULENT FACESi, ensington Gardens and other spots that should "be | Tue subjoined advertisement appeared the other’ i sacredly kept f free from such | Which it-would be hard to name-without a previouse this defilement ? PThe notice “Stick | sort of thing will not do:— no Bills” is en disre- | O THE LADIES OF ENGLAND.—Mies. E. Jazepem garded by these pulfers in’ 1 Tady's-Maid in the highest circles of Paris, and Spain, will forward, ee. who i ap | om receiptiof twenty-four eail diaciaae he the soemanle ° art of on | gotting the:-PACE and EY in the mest tniliands siglo, witih citen recipes: for p Bn where bill.stickers: are the T Sans Sree a JezEBen, doe.

eeming batons and. are. the: ee siren, means greater eyesore because: pro- + corrupted with. re a ied. in = ye, wold ss =tesace ue rl ee (ie) i Ae 1a a5 iyo © sae mee if not ml sensations: Yess: ee a be ta UGGINS'S: very a so ieee utes tesa foes car- eyes wii aCe eee | indulging in the praetice can: no. more and Electric }ymorous amusement, suitable to elioose to make similar faces, let them too, for the exubermt oie of the Christmas oa. But if this paint-pot puffery be holidays might: be permitted to produce the speerpenmn of a female pect to see or church-towers dis- | clown, and grinning through the ee cae nell vd ht be ame in the our like the Pyramids with the m mv of snobbish Englishmen, who | poudoir to be performed in the dra so long as they can puff themselves, care little what they spoil thereby. We ot almost wonder a Street Advertising Company has not “3 ished, which should utilise our public: buildi faces with pigment is filthy au dregalatres and the fet o Ped is. the best, that can be said in.its favour, is that being {palpable, it is a safe Y | protection for a young lady from any gentle violence to be apprehended them with trade advertisements. If the dome of St. Paul’s tnder the mistletoe. ye ot hee 42 this oon perpen, we think avery handsome rent might |

: pas oo ouses - _— — also ~y in thi wa an v le on account of their extensive river front PRE z like the Monument, Duke of York’s, and. the Nelson es See Column would do famously for ti large letters, to clap the le to: paint their names on in|. ANOTHER Yankeeism nearly as“illiterate as “reliable” has just been | ale Bocas msers” on the statue imported by the Ztna from New York, in one of RevrEn’s at aoeton, and group a lot of cheap and n--ot. nice tailors’ dummies at This communication, one of those evil ones which corrupt , good language, | | informs us that General Grant is very ill, and that, “as. the.army is

| about to settle into winter quarters; it. is urged by GENERAL fons pi 8

THE RUSSIAN GAME OF JACK KETCH. _Accorpiye to one of Reurer’s telegrams from Warsaw; the: Chiola | $3%3, description of a bit of fun which the Russians had had | Sciensible than tha "of . ohne ne 8 | physicians that he should go home to recuperate.” Some Bites Buckstons, i in a farce, acted a Yankee’s part, in which had to say, “If I live from July till eternity, I never ishall obliviate. this here it recupero may; ? be more , but pe- ielun with a Polish’prisoner named SzvsTERSKI :— irate” is a needless corruption of Latin. Why not stick to “recover ?” * << First they slowly noche ig ey: as usual in Russia; the halter then broke, - et. the ground. Another halter was:procured, and.| to retrieve. strangled, that: broke also, be vsti al this time on his head, and inflicting a terrible | of actions talk about taking action to reew | Besides the French word réeupérer has a distinct meaning, and signifies snd An American might, without: any impropriety oS ee ~ t neck to the lower part of the gallows by a halter, ‘and four soldiers polled? —— the le; were — at this shoc drank and sang far into the night.” The. Russians are keepi which in these mangos pra

lb ool ge he er part; o tie. world, | Ath | how can people who call themselves members “of t the Rn Saxon family, tee atm a. ‘aon eo they | use cok anauage? As for you who. owe allegiance to Hew: Mazzsry, | and are in duty bound to maintain the purity of the Dy ee English ; consider all such English as “‘ Recuperate”’ President’s maine | d old European. amusements oe taonailt bieedinemame: tier i coiitie base, villanous; pray you, avoid it.

except the Sapies of th the. Kixe or Danomey and other parts of y with a prisoner whom they execute much as the New Shakspearian Reading. at more than a century ago played with Damrens the | would-be neva — our ancestors used to play with a. condemned a. ™R,— When did Hamlet express a desire to. become a member of the: | rsuasion ? him to death. Onl they. p thus with Polish ned athe Ballinerents of Poland who |. bigs e wished that his,too too solid flesh would resolve itself into Kathy and re criminals they are not drawn and quartered * Yours truly, Russe: The sportive Scythians who obey | a Puneh. A Youne Comm=nrator. te G hegin,, just. by way: of reviving an amuse~| ment which i soon ol et ave was accustomed to enjoy at. the | expense of malefactors,

their captives on the wheel. Tae Tune ror tHE German War-Dance.— The: Kiel’ Row.”

-

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et 44 7

N <= NS ee AND tod WY SCENE IN A TUNNEL. HOW TO CLEAR A CARRIAGE FOR A CIGAR. Ferocious Looking Passenger (to Old Gent who objects to Smoking). “Tuatr’s a Pretty Kyirg; arn't 17? WE use in CaLivornia! JOLLY THING To Stick 1nTO a Fettow, Ex!” [Otp Gent fears his Companion is not “quite right,” and changes his Carriage at the next Station. eee STATA. | a ie taheel my Ns; BAN AVARS

A ~t . RP eR Se Ge Na i & \ XQ \S : Wee N\ , THAT'S THE SORT 0’ THING

MATRIMONY UNDER THE MISTLETOE. A Lay of New Year's Eve. THERE were lustres on the ceiling, there was music in the hall : The fine old room was lighted up for the happy New Year’s Ball. The walls and the chandeliers were hun: with sparkling evergreen, And the single eye-glass of the high-bred ass was fixed in a smile serene. The young were there, and the beautiful, the gallant and the gay, »And they danced, and they talked and flirted, and they laughed im life’s heyday, pana they took no heed of the elderly and the stout around who sat, JF Who had waists once slim and ancles trim, alas now gummy and fat! But some of the stout and elderly looked on with leaden eye, And compared themselves with the blades and belles as they went _ bounding by, Fair faces, fine figures, clean limbs, thought they. How much, when ! me has fled, Will their sides be about; will their soles, trod out, like our own abroad be spread ? Among those stout and”elderly ones there was one who had sat her own A lady who bore a humble name, for her husband’s own was Brown. She smiled on the youth and damsels fair, but cared not them to scan, For her eyes and thought but one object sought, a rosy short round man That short round man was her own Joun Brows, her true and loyal m. ? Thongh Brown was grey, and not only that, but bald upon his pate, But she held him Sy on eat man alive in countr * in toon ; And of all wavenhind there was none in his mi . DROWN.

mind to compare with

Joux Brown had finished his gossip and chat, and the night was we nigh o’er And Eighteen Hundred and Sixty-three was verging on Sixty-four. Like an old buck gay, he had wandered away from his buxom and blooming old bride, And -" he had done with his jokes and’ fun,he returned him to her side. He made her a bow, like a cavalier, as he drew on a white kid glove, | | li | | } Saying, “ Will you allow me the pleasure of:dancing with you, my | ove?” *‘T am sure I shall be most happy,”’ was the glad wife’s a reply, ** And a good example, faith and troth, we ’ll set the standers-by.” Down the middle and up again, down, up again and down, Hands across, round about, in and out danced Mr. and Mrs. Brown, And a noble Earl to his Countess said, “ In fact they are lovers now ; And by Jove I’m told some years have rolled since they plighted the nuptial vow!” So they danced and danced till midnight’s tongue the hour of twelve had tolled, As the bells were ringing the New Year in and ringing out the Old,’ Till they danced beneath the mistletoe bough and min "ied nose and chin, So will you no doubt, dance the Old Year out, young folks, and the New one in. '

By Permission of Mr. Benjamin Webster. Change of Name at the New Theatre Royal, Adelphi. At this establishment the Boxkeepers and other servants are not allowed to receive any fee whatever from a visitor. In consequence of this excellent arrangement it has been proposed that the fin of the name shall be dropped. usual fee.

syllable: | It will still remain Adel without the |

Printed by William Whitelriars, Ci of Londov City of London, Printers —Sarvunpayr, January 9 } Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the C)unty of’ Mid ‘lesex, an’ Frederie< Mulle’t Evans. of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the’ Precinct of = their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct uf Whitefriars, City of Lond mm, an | fub.ished vy them at No. so, Fleet Street, in tue Pasish of St. Bride, City

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_ Sameany ‘16, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ANI, . NI 7 , * WAZ ‘ ma) SAY TN ) Wy QWs Ni : = 4 MA iy | \ \ ICE. FEATS ON THE Pretty Ficure cut spy Mr. pg Boovs WHEN ATTEMPTING ONE OF HIS FASCINATING Bows On THE Icr.” A NEW VERSION OF THE POPULAR AIR, THE KIEL ROW. (As sung by L. N., the great basso profondo, in the Imperial Coneerts at Compiégne, with unbounded applause.) Wee in the Kiel row, the Kiel row, the Kiel row, Weel in the Kiel row, I see my way to win; T’ll oat ay life upon it, upon it, upon it, y my life upon it, soon that pie my finger’s in! Joun But might trust to Jounny, If words were current money ; But he’s no match for Boney, This letter-writer fine. He snubbed my scheme so lightly, And I felt angry slightly ; ; Now I retort, politel o,. “ Your Congress ? t of mine !”? Chorus. Then weel in the Kiel row, &c. Let Austria lean on RussELL, Let Prussia brag and bustle, But Deutschland’s flabby muscle No terrors has for me ; No Spree they ’Il find the ny oly When Denmark sees beside her Armed France, and me to guide her, Then whose will Rhineland be ? Chorus. Then weel in the Kiel row, &c. JUSTICE TO IRELAND. MistHER ADMIRAL Fitzroy, writing to the Times about the Storrms and thim great nautical pests, the Tim- | pests, and such like divarsions, says,— | ‘There is usually about a day’s interval before Irish weather | reaches England,’ &c | And who’s to blame for this? Sure ’tis the misman: " ment of the Saxon. What’s to prevent them letting the | Irish weather start the day before, and then ’twill be em in time. Sorr, I am, Sorr, yours contimptuously, Aw Inisn Owt. THE NEW BABY. “ THat’s DONE IT!” ‘said Mr. Punch. The fact is, that he was seehiasting i in his elegant and luxurious apartment in the shadow of the Church of Saint Bride, the handsomest spire, bar one, in London. And he does not read the papers until after breakfast, for he 5 sets pod in a with bad English, brutal relieving officers, base husban Bogor yoy that it is not giving fair play to his cook o wax = things up with an artistic breakfast. So he takes them with his subsequent cigar, and meantime reads Burton’s Anatomy of Melancholy. The bells of St. Bride onda dashed out into a wild chorus of metallic jubilation. “ Hallo!” said Mr. Punch, recalling his fine mind from Burton’s celestial devils to terrestrial topics. ave I been publishing another new volume, that the world is in ecstacies ? ” His Secret entered. This ne kins obleman, who is the heir-apparent to a dukedom, and is quali ine self, under Mr. Punch’s training, to be Prime Minister when Pam resigns in 1884, had divined his chief’s LAB oa pao and at once said, with the the most highly. bred composure, and as if contmuing a conversation, “The PRINCESS or WALEs presented us with a Prince about nine 0 — last night.” he telegram must have been sent to my. private residence,” said Mr. Fan “ How is the dear young lady going on?” | 5; a eee. ~ Hooray! And a Prince ?” “A Prince,” said the young Nobleman. “THAT'S DONE IT,’ * said. Punch. “T see what you mean,’ said the mem? Nobleman. ’ “s should be sorry, my dear Marquis, if you did not. Explain what I mean.” “You would say that this most opportune “event has clinched the t we previously felt it a duty to prevent Kine CurisTIAN fom being robbed by the Sausages, | but that n now it is also a pleasure to aid him, That the darling Princess having given the QuEEN a cenit son, the Prince a son, and the nation a pet, we are not going to let Schleswig be taken from her father.” “Very well said, Marquis, but call it Slesvick for the future. That is the po A old title, our we won't have the duc y Germanised, even in | mony | a beer to those ringers. I must write a nursery song for the | new baby The Secretary withdrew, and in ten minutes had made a beautiful copy, on pink paper, of the ‘following ditty, and was hurrying away_with it to ’Frogmore : — NURSERY SONG FOR THE NEW BABY. O*slumber, my darlin & thy sire is a PRINCE Whom Mamma behel skating not quite five hours since, And Grandpapa CurisTIAN is off to the fray With Germans, who'd steal his nice duchy away. But slumber, my darling, the English are true, And they ’ll help him for love of Mamma and of you, And the Channel fleet’s coming wit. oo. and shot, And the Germans must run, or they ’ll catch it all hot. We have only to add that the infant Prince will be christened Epwarp Curistran Punch ALEXANDER JoHN Butt SLESVICK. A Star in the Ice. Tue London Star and New York Herald, in an article which describes all England as in mourning because the Home SEcRETARY has not reversed another verdict by a jury, says that Town.ey has “escaped Scot free.” We do not know what is considered freedom in Scotland, but in this country the being imprisoned in a lunatic asylum for life, with the alternative of coming out to be hanged, is as mild an allowance of freedom as even Mr. Lixcoun would inflict on a Con- federate. This gushing provincial Star and Herald should be a little more truthful. VOL, XLVI. D

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| } | Readun, writun, ’rithmetic and religion for to learn, } | | From intercommunication you’ll strictly be debarred, | | Not only in the zilent cell, but out in the prison yard, THE [January 16; 1864. | oned nig | Sheer sorrow and grief awaits. the thief committed Lf heatcr Gaol. PUNCH, OR: TWO VIEWS OF ONE SUBJECT. | Montrory DiscouRsE BY AN | Honest HampsHire Lap, | anp a Comminatorny¥ Dn-| NUNCIATION BY A Tap) WHOSE HONESTY WELL BR AN ACQUIRED TASTE. I, HARD LINES IN WINCHESTER GAOL. Now all you rogues and| el all that comes | from far and near, Particular down from Lon-| don town a prowhm about | Hampshire, | oe od You makes a joke.of | sonment ; but youll 2 different tale _ If you gets a time for the | of crime to be spent | in I tell ’ee what the Magist- rates o* thee County, 0° Hants ha’.dome, Ay They ’ve passed a resolution | by purty nigh two tovone, Proposed by the «Baan. o?) CaRNARVON, whose motion | did prevail. _ For to ’stablish a strange terreeable change in the | azystem o” Winchester Gaol. | Ten hours a-bed you rascals will no moor be ’low’d to:lie, As snug as e’er a fattun pig a snorun away in his stye, , ; | But you’ll ha’ to rise wi’ the labourin’ and your, sentence you ’l! bewail, When wr forced to turn out, and b about in the mornun at Winchester In lieu 0’ them easy mattresses whereon to stretch your shanks, You 'll lie upon wood forthe time to.come; your Deds ’ool be good:hard planks. | And zo you ’ll git: boath bed and board; moreover your diet-scale Wun’t aot what it used, for you’ll have it reduced zummut like in Winchester Bee labour fe went moe eg bet i Fag tiresome toil; oakum-pic’ or indoors wor' ngers fit to spoil, Besides the crank and the treadmill too, which ’ool make you steam,exhale, And you’ll have your fill of severe shot-drill if'you goes‘to. Winchester Gaol. Then arter hours 0” labour to study they *ll make you turn; No. entertainun litteratoor your lazure ’ool ‘ Good books confined to improve the mind will be zuffer’d in Winchester Gaol. inchester. Gaol: | | emphasis init LONDON CHARIVARL There was none 0’ your nasty crank labour : The spells at the wheel, warn’t too ’ard : And ’twas heasy to chat with your neighbour In chapel, or exercise-ward, The Chaplain warn’t stiffer to on, Than Chaplains‘in genesal wedtds : And the Doctor when we ’d.pwtithe-bam om; The infirm’ry was quite to own minds. Ta short, that *ere jug was a meddle. Of what county-jags ought to.-be— Just the place a poor convie to-coddle, While the Beaks is reformim? 0? -hey Now along of this ’ere Lonm: Oa A motion they ’ve passed om thie: h us poor convies’ comfortsia? i Work ll double, and wittles:retweneb. From our cribs we must turmofiaamernin’;’ rt Like nena — on thecqnmes he’er thought, while such!poor. ascomin’ Tanould crore broughs fo thokeee : We ain’t to have no more nice’ books, Por i vin’ Our minds and all that ; Andat. cha they *lL.queer-all our " cutoff'a cove’s cozy chat. Thshort, ifthe Peaks don’t objec To.do.as,CAERNARVIN adwises, Nb eonvie as. feels. self-respec Will. ceme up at the Ampshire Assizes. This I calls the rewerse-0’ For parties in my si Tn short, it’s a retrograde: ment To punishment, from. reformation: Give me bub, grub, and lodgin’ well wagmed, And I don’t care how much I’m admemished ; I rayther likes bein’ reformed, : But I wery much ’ates bein’ punished. _improvement, > SUBTERRANEAN POETRY. We do not regard very highly, from a poetical point of view, the following stanza, which is affixed in the car- | riages of the Underground Railway.:— PASSENGERS ARE EARNESTLY REQUESTED, NOT TO OPEN THE CARRIAGE DOORS, . | UNTIL THE TRAIN STOPS AT THE PLATFORM 5 } OR THBY’LL COME ' CROPPERS ONTHE* FLOORS. | It is rather jumping in: the: rhythm,; but bylaying:the | he first line on; “ ly;”: and in: the 9 i “tal”? amd: “ab,” we may make: it read tolerably » well, and as easily as most of the sensational:pe of the day. But we have a more practicah objection to it. So:very much for the’ And no more zingin’ in ¢ It isn’t for eddication that thieves to prison are sent, ‘ In the first pace, Lorp Carnarvon says, but ’tis for punishment ; And zince the pian of indulgenee has been. tried and: vound,to fail; Penal discipline due willin: futur’ on you be enforced in Winchester Gaol. If.? A CONVICT’S COMPLAINT. My cuss light. on:you, Lorp CaERNARVEN; And the Winchester Beaks in a row— That wotes or convics for starvin’ Into pet fn jugs druy’ for to go! Wunee Winchester Gaol was nice lodgin’; As a party could wish for to.see. For poor coves which the law failed in dodgin’— As the case. with the-sharpest may be. The-grub it. was hample-and, waried ; The beds they was:cozy and warm; And.a story-book; when,a. cove ’s wearied, Of oakum, don’t do him no harm. of the notice is mere surph , or impertinence, in. the legal sense of that word. We chen ers Passengers.” | Now, to whom else can the request, be addressed except to passengers, therefore why) their nomination? It is not |meant for the porters, who indeed look as.if they were | wronged when you tell them to o a Nor is. it | addressed, to the-world at large, “* Haxnestly» requested” | is very civil, but foolish: A.\muehk: stronger phrase: must ded to impress any fool: who:weuld open.a door except at the proper: place. The “carriage” doors: Whyca 2 | What other doors are there to open? The same objeetion, | that of verbiage, applies to the stopping: at the platform. | The train has no business to stop anywhere:else. The last | line we admit to be both preeise and t:, But for the | idiots who can commit such am absurdity,as that against | which the public is warned, a short, peremptory natice | would be far better. The Undanqronad poonie should | - | adopt the form which Mr. Puneh, who, trawels a.good deal | by the line, invariably uses. w he sees: am impatient fool trying to get at. the handle before-the proper time; : “DON’T TOUCH ‘THE DOOR TILL THE TRAIN STOPS, / | you Ass,” . a ; P : . | This is registered copyright; but the Direetors may use it, on | forwarding us a free ticket for a:year:

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January 16, 1864.) _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 23 A TRIFLE FROM INDIA. Hantinc to himself, Mr. announceth his satisfaction some ’ Punch with Over the sea, over the'sea, Cometh a bit of good sense to P. Which he’s been missing too long.” He has been redding, for a good ag a great aaa criticisms, as are polite carga “upon music, ret it appears "to him that the crities, as they’ are »politely called, ba write things, - e been driven, by ‘the »profound oe t, cheell must feel domain tt the music. Hall, cunwarratited «dislike » ~y sartiele on neyo to:piteh atthe “Tt is cetyl ani ements wsetence, that, a given note sounded, itis" Secale enitianmetsetproaene ey camuay at ant or accompaniment of bie. aes rg perteos amet of this fant of Se ape for a strain r o ing, or a sometimes equals ~ melody, which that of Mozatir. ‘And yet it is fancied often that F.orow, because he is a German, is profound, atid’ Verpi uneducated asa musician ! FLorow ’simpl writes — bom however. MErvErsrer has written more in the Italian the harmonic, so called German, and without his ravishing melodies euieiee tn the world could not bave made him what he is. Melody is the sum of musical genius. This is quite uncontested amongst these who know anything of the nog com BEETHOVEN'S, Mozarr’s, Haypn’s melodies are just as much Italian as they are German.” Here be truths. And we should like to hear the Musical World» which nevertheless can sometimes say a thing which is not utterly.and altogether prehery, Ay wh from iy ig answer this before we hear anything more against ‘ore. We are doubly pleased to advance these views just now inoue we are thoroughly enraged ‘with the Germans. No people with in their souls could have play: - the ge bass part which is indicated by the wh of German cy, and we - tented with - Executi Fooebnte overture, and ion,-with their Prete in fact with the whole Band. THE PLEASURES OF A PRISON. Pxra¥corrs may remember that the Prisoner of War gives a not unpleasant owes of the ae ee men somehow manage to enjoy life when made prisoners more attractive sketch of ‘the “ligt of de EE er oan lately farmbhed ten Tenshi tic paper :— OTye - _ dent of ‘the -Attanta Rrewmonp Prisoners. ‘Richmond Correspon: describes a recent visit to the Hotel de Libby. He found the passages and up with boxes and bales of and provisions the ie lint conned ee otaumen be fon be arate of comforts the f t profusion « Se eect ay Seeger seas at sj who to Best Lit et pipe Po called slong "the fi floors. ~ Se ee backgammon boxes, &., for distabution, proved that the Yankees eg i a on e volved in the tragic ents of Miss es Peatbor ’s novels ; others playing oe euchre, or deeply pondering the gambits ; others asleep ; ; others again eating dinners.” Ttis reap on 2 that the eir ‘army, and that Yankee volunteers have not ‘been t for their‘dear country‘as the ‘Govern- amast ‘be the fault of the recruiting in mot not pongo the berfefits of being taken prisoner, 5 ‘thesumptuous'way described above. If it wereour business to find veabdices dor the N — we would. go about ‘the country with a big-drum and a trum tocall:a crowd:around us,:and then we S| brightest colours, colours, representing ers Carousing in the South. “ Northerners:have had ‘some little trouble ‘in “promoted an atiti-Mackeapy row in ‘America, when several ‘persons _hyar, bhoys,” we would shout (adopting Yankee dialect, and speaking | ‘through our noes). eat eezond heave a a at this hyar lovely pictur ! | Hyar you see heow Uae a ef ye g° a Gloory waits | a heap 2 "Tux ‘ond.o’ ham.an’ e; an what to you. Air you | fur a sardine? Air bet, an" prime Bo ev you a tooth | ponent See hyar, bhoys, | go an’ fight, and.all "them dainties will be given you; and arter bustin’ | er eout ‘with peas an’ potted fixins, you may hev a game 0’ chess or seared -toss ef you prefer it, or may improve your mind by readin’sA' Sensation Novel. you "Il hey to'du toe git a hold on these here delieacies i is jest to come “ e fur your ‘gelorious country, an Pd thené: ’re taken prisoner ( as I dessay Yas may be), ye’ll jest ‘be toe Richmond, an’ thee yell live like fightin’ siiie, on thatewithout the fightin’.” A SEASONABLE GLEE. (To be Sung in Bed on amy'Frosty@ay.) Arn—“ The Choygh asd Crow.” Wire ~~ and Cold to»bed I *veigone, My boot is on the tree;"* The weather out of doors'this mom tthe (Shake with cold ad lid.) ‘ye then, my merry merry men, ‘hnoteget up to-date: U etree sg merry men masiiaiin full three'deep i dup L-cower, | up I cower," aibors ‘the counter-pane T To-see what is the hour, ‘To see-what is the hour. My watch I find says nyse, - | aliptins m I lay, hen down myse! Then down myself I or. (To-the Footman.) mri tea‘and toast, my merry merry men, m on’t get, up to-day: and toast, my merry merry men, T dont get'up to-day. Some friends drop in to ask me “ how I _, may shut the door) ; heir ‘frost is’ melting now, And i deluging the floor, And‘de4lu-ging the ‘floor ! “Get up!” No! no! I trust them when say “tis an’tce'day, They = *tis an ice They-say “tis an ice: day. I?ll houseme then, my merry merrymen, ‘Abuse me’as you may ; I’ll house me then, my merry merry men, Abuse me as you may! [Turns in bed, and goes to sleep till dimmer time *"On'the Boot Tree. RN Slick al eae going out fora walk. AMBRICAN VALOUR. An American telegram,.in the Telegraph, states that— ee FORREST | has made a raid en the Memphis and Charleston Railway, but was ven away.” If this Forrest is a great, that is to say,a big.actor-who bellowed at Drury Lane ‘some _years ago, afterwatds ‘was supposed to ‘have were killed, we cannot understand his shout, like ‘ACHILERS, when— “ Thrice from 'the trench his dreadful voice he raised, And thrice they fled, confounded and amazed.”’, | being repulsed. Head only-to | | If the Federals could'stand that, = dtive him 6ff, they are the brave | fellows we believe ralvny sleeper many 0 Spears tobe. His voice would aad wekened the very

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 16, 1864, e SS OQZNN tt Hi) =_ YY Ly 2 Ze THE BITER BIT. First Cabby. ‘‘ I’m warty’ FoR THE MgEcER, your Honor!” Second ditto (in an audible whisper). “ B’LIEVE ME, "TIS THE GINERAL, AND I’m HIS Kyar.” Green (?) Ensign. ‘* AW—BORE THAT—CaN’T TAKE Mz, I suProse? I’m onty a CaPTatn.” [Hibernians decidedly sold. DINNERS FOR POOR CHILDREN WANTED. Tus friends of M. Victron Hugo, and his foes too, for that matter, must consider his Les Misérables as being a work: buta still better work of his was thus the other day recorded by the Guernsey Star :-— “On Thursday last, being Christmas eve, M. Victron Huao entertained at Haute- ville House the poor children who;for about two years, have been the constant recipients of his bounty. The ag consisted of 40 children and several of their mts, for the whole of whom M. Huco provides a substantial er once a ortnight, 20 being received each week. These children are entertained without any regard to their nationality or religion, English, French, Guernsey, and Irish— apne Catholics—being equally welcome, poverty being the only qualifica- on requ > “The party assembled on Thursday having been ed with a solid dinner and & dessert of cake and wine, were taken into the billi where several visitors were assembled, and where, much to their delight, the children saw the table spread with a yt of useful apparel, such as jackets, gowns, shirts, caps, bonnets, 8 > any oes.” Thus the outer child was ‘cared for not less than the inner one; the latter being comforted by M. Vicror Hueo as often as once a fortnight during all the year. His motive for this systematic course of charity the author of Les Misérables thus explained :— ‘*TIn 1848, a commission of medical and other scientific men had been appointed by the French Government, to inquire into the causes of diseases, such as scrofula, rickets, and impoverishment of the blood (angine couenneuse) to which the children of the poor were exposed, and which produced so much mortality among them. The committee reported it as their opinion that these diseases were ca’ by the children being almost totally strangers to animal food, and that they might be checked by their having a meal of fresh meat once a month. Owing to political events, this report remained without effect, but it made a strong impression on his (M. Huco's) mind, and he determined that when circumstances should permit he would test the soundness of the theory propounded. He had, therefore, about two years ago, commenced the humble little work of which the present meeting was a t. e had selected 40 yo children from the most necessitous classes of uernsey, and to these he had given, not once a — but once a fortnight, a sound meal composed of fresh meat and a small glass of wine. And he had the satisfaction of finding that his humble experiment been undoubtedly success- ful. Many of his r little children who had been suffering from one or the other of the diseases he mentioned had been cured, and the physical constitution of nearly the whole of them sensibly improved.” A meal of fresh meat once a month is not a very cosily gift to make toa — child, and yet this little present may be productive of great benefit. ‘The stronger a child is, the greater is the chance that he will grow up a strong man: and the stronger a man is, the more work can he do, and the less chance will there be of his coming on the parish. So putting charity aside, it would be a wise economy to give the children of poor people now and then a meal of meat, and strengthen thus their sinews and their constitutions. There is, besides, the fact that duty should oblige us to take care of the poor, and on this poi thus forcibly insists :— care for the poor—a duty imposed alike by Christianity and common sense—and that the rich had no right to spend their superfluity on their own enjoyments, when they saw their fellow-beings suffering around them. He had, he repeated, called these poor children together with the view of carrying out an important experiment, but he had also done it for the purpose of giving anexample. He had the gratifi- cation of assisting 40 children ; if 20 persons wou be cared for, and it was ——— to say what amount of good might thus be done for the population of the i a.” We most heartily commend M. Hveo’s good example, and should be | glad to see steps taken by which it might be followed. Folks in general perhaps might not find it quite convenient to invite a score of children | once a fortnight to their dinner-tables, for we fear there are few cooks | in this enlightened age who would condescend at any price to cook for |them. But surely folks might club together to hire a children’s dining- | room, where little people with large appetites might have a good meal | set before them once or twice a month. Public dasnene are in general | most execrable nuisances, and Mr. Punch has long since ceased to have | anyiung to do with them. But if poor children’s public dinners were | established in this country, Mr. Puack would be most happy to assist } | point M. Hueco | | “* He wished it to be clearly understood that he assumed no merit for what he | had done, for it was apart of his creed that it was the positive duty of the rich to | a do the same, 800 children would |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Janvuary 16, 1864, —— en ee . = NAY ~~ WS \ \ Ul itt a‘ : 2 MIRANDA AND PROSPERO. Mrranpa (Evrore). “IF BY YOUR ART, MY DEAREST .ZOUIS, YOU HAVE PUT THE WILD WATERS IN THIS ROAR, ALLAY THEM.”

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January 16, 1864.] PUNCH; OR THE’ LONDON CHARIVARE towards support, them benefit of his world-wide pub. % licity. pamal - rg o-a be aes while bee: fed in ioeut ‘with: the ADVERTISEMENTS: rich, and we that juvenile dinpee on.the’plan we — pro- RENDERED NECESSARY BY THE: RAILWAY INVASION: find favour with children of poor. people; and posed, pas f th the KING OF TIMBUCTOO Een: Eee GEL a ——— =o eir happiness, 1 to Minnehiiliy, gentrgs in Ser of his palace oy sad Seta alicas en anal toat sgwar ee way. THE ORGAN-GRINDER’S ECHO. day ato exeeutions as usual, an Sens ante every = oun int md HE, PROPRIETOR OF THE ISHB-ORISPAFFA BaSPECT. . . 'y announces e Uave ving been: purchased on A Map jo ak caieeet, Ee on Chatham and Dover Railway, as.a store-housefor and . tive tothe pest of street- a lace. Tonai er "still a ere an Tausic :— slo-ti perthipdliswreather: . er et he “The law as itt now stands, oven if suficient in /TTQ PERSONS:ABOUT TO MARRS: YORUARE REQUESTED i iteelf to-shate the above mal . to make that arrangement somewhere else thamen the Church of i decisions of the Magistrates, | St. ‘George, Hanover Square, whieh has been,punckased: by the Lindon, ee to be imprasticable ; for, if | Cliatham and Dover Railway. rightly, f S appears thatthe WEEK! AST WEEK! * LAST Poy ae eet L 1 and Chaptor of St, Paul's advise their sights no time in: visiting the above - Sua ee ee as it. will be closed. en i the nui beeause he- must be sufficient! it to put f his} pe gr So pod os y near ¥ pu sed bine the nae en ee ~ aes - ~ ay neve ror Ss Li in: of) a we may sugges policemen eae should, a, consideration, for their natural nce: to lth * be wortlt'in Lud’s town: | rovided with tongs for the purpose of taking-hold of a:nuisance s0|-~7o1 BEASTS! YOU BEASTS!) YOU BEASTS! THIS Is | disgusting as an an = gg mages —t vied find 4 not meant as an address to readers, which would be in the a id state of thi ‘it into which the idea of putting the ends of oe al Garon have Feet nodc that th: your is rev The: nuisance would hardly continue in | 2™mals Zoological Gardens, who end ‘4 Sou ge rove oe ee et penilycontinne i? | London, Chatham and. Dover Railway would like the gardens.as-e.coal., | in. charge; it. would have. the. impudence to. commit. i depét. The railway has not yet got the ae, but there is no saying | that extent. What the i mean to say, apparently, is that | | what may happen, so the ‘sooner visitors come t ’ a é for-an organ-grinder ‘to be: liahle tobe: taken into custody the must! rryi7Z ~LONDON, CHATHAM AND. DOWER RAILWAY . have been po ingyen et > ‘of a policeman. In: this view of es Notice, that ha leted negotiations with Parc B their Midas, and the femaleof Midas,| x 2'r°s Nott gy gy 0g ee lil | , however, gpa | Kune fora branch line from Tower, —_ foals of Midas, wall:agree with the wniter above.«quoted in the bricks oho. a mile of the formervand Santina ‘the china.of: the if that: aa it is amended a mb a we } “ itis be , thie sooner it the better.” ERS OF. THE ATHENAUM CLUB ARE IMEORMED street-musical proclivities has nothing to do ane had. better pet themselves ballotted..into Boopie’s, the Spy > tis back nein turned to the — whence his ears’ Garrick, or some other Club, as thepecacath edifice ‘has been taken by pended ofa wath onpen punts in order to pr cape hat abomination, the the Landon, Chatham and Dover Railway, and there is no time to build What ‘alive he - been said ok ——— schin and Abevastapionet ohis will bear repetition until it is abated:-— PERSONS NS WHO ARE INTENDING TO DIRECTIBY WILL, “(Phe trifling nuisances of okt: indi adn tie -driatanenna Wee (and T believe that they shall be buried in the new Cemetery in the mountain ng even the muffin bell), the. newsmen’ the f ‘sweep,’ many others | opposite Inverness, are requested to change their minds, as pee said Nanda seababtiet Why not ab once forbid stroat-musioor ryt nen sutiuas ban han urchased for a.signal stataon by the London,, Cliat- power to any inhabitant;within hearing to order the removal of the nuisance ?”’ ham and Dover way.. _ The only reply this question hhag as-yet received is that which hae been! revere QUEEN OF MADAGASCAR, DEEPLY REGRETS THAT ° it bye ‘nymph unseen,” is something to. be said’ for, T her yma has come to life and sen that, he has a e dustman’s bell the mull bell; the newsman’s horn, and the:ery of | (), ve yal domain to the Fone d Dover | sree ae aga sed dinpmametehd tone Thosssemminiens | Seon either state of things be > aorat: the 5 will’ give pe S noise is constant, protrmated, exeorable, distracting, — most | Bt: injurious to those whom it interrupts in the pursuit of in soceu~| THE: BALL) WHICH: WAS annie seg AS 4 TAKE to say nothing of the sick:whose rest it destroys ; whilst it. is: lace at the CountEss or Barrieaxe’s TPcodey xt, is un- “4 ‘no use to anybody, affords:no one much gratifieation, and only serves:| ayoidably postponed, in co nocquence ofthe ict h — his a little to amuse the idleness of: a few idiots. ‘sane man ought to | o ; insishemact balng-anhjeet to be riven mad bo ice ne ne i having pro i of. his si oo ae ;. These considerations suggest Y lye en ey THE KNIGHTS OF THE ORDER an At of Paine ho \ Pi aaadoeing —— cenaenalltad toes poet ee “0 rim la ese wil be hla he ~ organ. to. prohibit it everywhere within nda re heey rm e same Toon 0 hearing. asks ““Why not?” ite neat ides is the; Mn. P. Green, Covent Garden, of Windsor Castle only one that responds to:the appeal. Ebhe answers “Not |” | having been ceded to the London, Chatham and Dover Railway.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 16, 1864. | - ' : gyn HIS MOVING IT UP AND DOWN SO CONSTANTLY, I BELIEVE!” I. i \ ! RR . ——— ———— —— A GOOD EXCUSE. Professor. ‘Head ’s A GOOD DEAL T00 Lona, Str. Doy’r you sez!” Pert Young Student. “ Peruars so,Sir. MusT HAVE APPEARED SO TO ME FROM SINGING IN THE KITCHEN. WowDeRFvt are the wants one sees announced in news- papers! For instance only look at this :— ANTED, in a Clergyman’s Family lin the Coun a W Plain Cook, who understands Baking, with peg he branches of Cooking. A Church Woman indispensable, and one that can Sing preferred. Age between 30 and 40.—Address, &c. Singing chambermaids, we know; are sometimes wanted for the stage, but_we never ‘before heard a wish to hire a singing cook. What sort of voice, we wonder, does this clergyman saat and what proficiency in singing is deemed needful in his kitchen ? If his housemaid be soprano, he may possibly ea a good contralto for his cook: then with a tenor for his footman, and his butler a deep bass, he might get up some delightful quartettes down below- salen and practise now and then an anthem for his church. In making choice of a new cook, we suppose he lets the candidates all stand up in a row and sing a song a-piece : and then, after picking out the one whose voice most pleases him, we pee he next proceeds to her what she knows of cooking, and puts her through the catechism of | the culinary art. ‘Compliments Passes when Gentlefolks Meets.” We don’t know when we have been so touched as by an article in the Standard last week. We should have cried, but were afraid of the tears freezing on our innocent nose. After a most gratifying recognition of Mr. Punch’s genius | and all that, the Standard says that he “ scarcely ever ” | forgets that he is a gentleman when addressing ladies. “ Never,” would have been exacter truth, but we suppose that the slight qualification was in the interest of two Ghe whom we should scorn to name on such an occasion, indeed | we would not hint that their respected names rhyme to lamp and to the capital of France. We will do anything in return to please the Standard, except tell him that the Tories are coming in again, which we know he would not believe, and we hereby invite him to liquor to the health of MANHATTAN, Appropriate Crvm anp Mruitary AUTHORITIES FOR Prussia.—FIEe.p- HAL WRANGEL and GENERAL Un- RUH (wa-rest). JUVENILE NOFUN ASYLUM. Tas oy pee | fete of et ataions Institution was celebrated | toads too, for that matter) were at home and in their w beds. The yesterday in one of the Adelphi ; More charming weather for such a festival could not be imagined, a : drops gen pure November fog diffusing an air of mystery, and awakening tender | + Fesi = cag a conrees Se achen . bl — prow orm renounce those flights of fancy which are so intolerably painful to seemed in perfect unison with the atmosphere, to which they lent a tone croakers of every denomination. Marrua Mace, a child only nine years of age, but whose care-worn of deeper blue. Shortly after noon four-and-twenty blue-nosed boys entered the | ©Xpression would have e sequestered shade, their doleful band of husky fifes and muffled drums Tience, embracing authentic anecdotes of > years of age), who had gone to the bad, and whom she had vainl struggled to wean from their insane love of gambolling. One promising fh whose principal crimes originated in an vernable passion for ‘eye spy eye,” was blinded by mud splashed from a waggon. playing, “ Blow, Blow, thou Winter’s Wind,” with considerable varia- tions. Having walked several miles without rest or refreshment, the pupils | yout were allowed by the laws of gravity, to stand still for an hour with their 7 hands behind them, while their generous Patrons derived a melancholy Another sti ) I . satisfaction from contemplating their mottled hue. In due time sea- | ¢phemeral attraction of a butterfly, received a kick from a contemp- biscuits of extreme antiquity (made edible by stamps) were lavished | tous cow, of which he would carry a memento on his head so long as ) memory held her seat in that distracted globe. upon the children of the mist, followed by copious draughts of soft water from Trafalgar Square, impregna’ carboniferous, but entirely exempt from any taint of magnesia or man, whose name we understood was MERRIMAN, rose up and wished to be informed yy what patent process, the —— of enjoyment had T steel. addressed a laboured exhortation to his voracious audience, in which him who were mere creatures of common sense. cheeks resembling masses of aérated dough, then recite menced his matutinal caro is suddenly interrupted by an | sdmonitory croak from the oldest inhabitant of the marshes, who | marvels hugely how any two-legged mortal can be so void of decorum as to go singing about the universe when all well-regulated frogs (and result of the remonstrance is, that the conscience-stricken reveller de old Mr. Croaker, promises to amend its ways, an ted with substances, chiefly; Marraa Mace having withdrawn in deep dejection, a rosy gentle- The Governor, Mr. Jenemian Groanaway, with spasmodic emotion, | been eliminated r i i i i i He had been present some time, and not one smile had been he warned them to curb their appetites, and shun contact with those exhibited by any of those little mouths in round pinafores. “At Pekin (observed Mn. Mernmman), toes are fiercely pinched by Tyrant Fashion, A blue-nosed boy in tight clothes, with rigid hair, pink eyes, and and you denounce such base oppression. (Shuffles of assent.) Here d a didactic understandings are more cruelly cramped — more barbarously poem called The Lark and the Croaker, written for this occasion by a cabined, cribbed and confined, and their gn ers look for subscriptions ifted hypochondriac. It described a conversation between a young and applause. (Feeble ejaculations of No ; ird and an old bull-frog, and was listened to with unfeigned sorrow, and similar savages, flatten their omepring’s ewe te you point to them 8 relieved only by involuntary yawns. The lark, who has just com- with philosophical derision. (Shuffles. is) ma ling, ceed “ means of whip-cord, and ether stringent appliances, to make still ly down to earth—hushes its reckless strains, and seatin ed acrone of a then related her expe- ants (under twenty-one more vicious juvenile, while recklessly pursuing the om the singular specimens of youthful inanity before ‘) Cherokees, Choctaws, After which you solemnly pro-

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3 l ) J : Vent Ven Y Qr yw OT Fy \ ae } pre eSGS4S OF RR eer Janoarr 16, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 29 greater flats of your own. (Groans of oh ! oh! camped by a stern command colony, not far from Richmond, entitled Ham, which they asserted, to turn him oul) Order being restored, Mr. RRIMAN, putting on | could trace an unbroken descent from the Noachian era...Mr. D’ Hummy his:spectacles and looking:at‘a.slip.of paper, announced that he should | was the President of the Ham Council ; that distinguished body, so far move—whena rush was shislegs by four-and-twenty oe rg from opposing the National plan, had sent in their adhesion to it, and cs Nofun Asylum, and sereeehes of grim delight, the | he (Mr. Casox) felt sure that. he had done nothing but, carry out the ormer and his motion ee pe oO torthefloor, wish of every-well-wisher to the present Great Festival, in electing, on The festivities.terminated.with. a. tion, of broken. biscuit. his own responsibility, to the office of their Chairman, the late antagonistic % \3 President, Mr. D’Humary. Mr. D’Housy, [on being nudged by,Mz. Cxrcx], rose and said, ; Ladies and Gentlemen—I mean Gentlemen-—the—um— present occasion ANOTHER: ANNIVERSARY. —is one—on which, you—that is 1—(Héer; haar /) and in fact the : National Committee—I must state, however; that.I’ve come all the aKING example ’ from:| way from Ham by the omnibus —— the numerous gentle-| ~ Vorcr,; Better go back again. (Order/’ Ohisied)) men, known and un} Mr. D’Houmarr tunel ; And being: known to Fame, who T should say; this sort of thing — (ieee ‘Order! Ohiteie!) 1 can only rod ig engaged it remark. tbat =e: ae Mr. Cmick oe on, a amall | piece of paper) —eh ?—where are my,spectagles?” 4 ing what nary Festival to WiL-| Mr. Gin has written)—ah !—quite: ia. The Secre- | LIAM SHAKSPEARE, | tary—no, the Under-Secretary— (lookingyabout}—-T don’t exactly see | several eminent per-| where he is: (Here Mr. Cmick ai ‘the-Chairman’s attention to sonshaveformedthem-|the Under-Secretary, who emerged. from»: behindithe-big books.) Ah, BP selves into a Com- | how d’ye do, Sir ?—then, yes— } ff mutter, with power) At this point the Chairman imagining thiat} heelind done everything | a idd to Prema a that was necessary, sat down. » in order property’ SeveraL Memspers. What’s. ther question?® Wiiat’s. going to be and with duesolemnity =” | done P tocelebrate the Quint- |“ Crarnwan (roused by Mite Onron, smidingly). Oltyes, I forgot to say milloct - sexoctenarian | that the Minutes of the former Mecting—I wasnm’thare-you, know—will ~~ versary of ADAM, | be read. (Hear, hear.) of ae he Se The reading’ of the Minutes led?to: am animatedidiscussion as to Times Mecore | whether they were framed in grammatical age,Vand a good deal of speakin: - | language that was neither elegant: nor Was exc Bi. The Silowing tin Member peoppeed that a copy of Limwpuery Murrarshould be provided correct report of the | {0F the use of the: meeting, and offered: to» go outiaud.buy one at the | fifth meeting recently | — of the Secretary: - held in fartheremes of _ a ier) _ Sear pote nero ag es, mag a} —_ ! : | e CHAIRMAN (rising). { want: to» say~is, ve-come a the above mentioned the way from Ham we omnibus , Order, and cries of blic—no— hy s iw. Poet —— object, at the | ¢ Wickrss.”) Rooms of the Society, Paradise . Precisely as the clock struck Ma. Wi ( ily); Ts this p ding to stifled von? four, the room being tolerably well-filled, the Chair was taken by amj 7 ; . elderly gentleman totallyyunknown to anyone present: Mr. Cuick, | Mr. Spourr, (rising and attracting the Chairman's eye. ceomy: from the cumnpelie promoter of the Scheme, was seated at the Chairman’s | MY, Wy ick) I ask to be allowed——(Order! Chair! Chorus of S s : a if bend, whine - ogee maewromgh Mr rlneed behind’ pode, |_ The Cuarrman (who has all this time been talking, apparently, to Mr. large volumes, he was not visible to the majority-of the members. ae : oom . And I must say: that, at Ham——(goes. om tabbing _ ae ager 0 pom = ogg a beets cme ts | ae Wicnrss (violently). Is this conduct intended to stifle—to stifle ; | discussion ? interrupt, he — he ——— know was, how that gentleman came | Here Mr. Curcx-plueked the Chairman by the sleeve, who on turning to occupy the chair? (Hear, te, a “nr ‘and seeing Mr. Wickxys on his legs, bowed to that gentleman, and aM Cyaee soe ese boned foe ha sins tet | ue smaing fy, en shot to ome wi hn eer Secretary, and that he now, of course, held that position. In discharge | ali of me Aftermapeching hb en ¥ : of the duties of this office, he had received and answered several letters | Th G (politel, to Mr. Wickrxs, before sitting» down). I from various infinantial personages. in. the United Kingdom, who had didn't know that- yoo were speaking, Ms. Wioomma, expressed themselves favourably with regard to the present National) Mr. Cuicx, in explanation. regretted to inform.the Meeting that | movement. Also, in bearing this onerous but. cheerfally self-imposed | Mr. D’Humay was dightly afilicted with deafness; (Hear, hear /) burden, he had had the pleasure of calling on a few of his friends,|. Mr. Wickins: Sir, I must protest against being called Wicerns. whose names he would now read to them; the Duke: or TurnHaM Mar. Smirn said he was sorry to interrupt:the last) Speaker; but asa a the D nn a — seamr~he: repeat as _ eo 6 roe wanted the know is Grace the DUKE KeEnnin N, | what they were going to do ai e Adamite Fes was | Py panei or Is~ineTon; with whom he had spent an hour or so | their — in wma — oad had been there: for nearly three at luncheon, i thing. , d Lorp Exeraxt-anp-CarceL, who expressed himself in the strongest | Mn. Wicnixs vas understood to protest spaetiabe called Wicarss. | (dns a s) admiration (4ear, hear /) for him personally, Mr..Cuick | Mir. ones said a would read to them a poem. that:he had just | isapprobation), | written in honour of —— aa iaaal His Excellency. Karur; Srxc, Ambassador from the Undiscovered| Mr. Smite. Question! (Hear, hear /) ) Islands of the Pacific, | Mr. Curcx, Well then, he would read to them a list of every one The Eart or March axp Aprrt, to whom he, Mr. Cutck, had | who wished-his name to appear in public print, commencing with those been lately introduced, and was, proud to acknowledge as_his dearest | who had forwarded a guinea specially for that purpose. __ fe ; Pah | This occupied about paige we of an hour, during which most of : vas proceeding to. read.a long list of his aristocratic | the members left the room. At the conclusion, Mr. Cuick wished to acquaintance, dividing them: into. Five Classes, #. ¢., Those whom he.| know whether they ’d like to hear the names of several members of the knew well; those. with: whom: he. was on speaking terms; those who aristocracy who had not yet been asked to join the movement. This knew Aim well, but. were.not.on. speaking terms ; those whom he. knew question having been replied to in the negative, Mr. Ciick proposed a by sight; and the. remainder consisting of those whom he wanted.to.| vote of thanks to himself, and moved that he. should act for the Com- know, w , bp ' mittee in the interim before the next Meeting: This:proposal having | Mr. Mrvins interrupted. i ares) didn’t want to hear the self. | been also negatived, Mn. Curcx said that.he should do what he liked glorification of Mr. Cutck. (Ore oo order !—Hear, hear !—Chair !) He | without reference to any of them. : : ai? ing co =, ho was. that elderly person in the 7. } eg 3 — and where do we meet again ? , : : r. Cutck. Don’t know. Mr. Cuickx, in explanation, said, that the inhabitants of the County; Mr. Wicks. Don’t care. : . of Surrey had at fitst contemplated the celebration of a distinct Festival) After this the Meeting separated, and the amiable Chairman went | in honour of Apam, founding their right on the existence of a.small | back to Ham by the omnibus.

Page 46

‘a

PUNCH,’ OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[January 16, 1864.

Swell (to his Juvenile Partner). “ I suppose THIS 18 YOUR FIRST Frora?”

RAILWAY EXCLUSIVENESS. Sm, Mr. Puncs, i Avtw eard as You are the Frend of hall men Right these few | lions to say it appear Mite makes’Rite in this rotting old country wich will appear Wen i State as me and jim*the Slogger ‘and. sum other Parties wich shall be Nameless being all what «you: mite’ call Burglars aplied to the Sow heast* Rail .for a spesshal’ trane as’ we ‘wished to

transackt a little peace of business in a’ Rich gent’s:ouse wich is nigh |. that line and Not to intrupt’Reglar tranes'wor Agreeble to’ Start at 3 | in the — Kine and the — Sir Mite-makes Rite for no | sooner was the wurds <a my Lips wen Manager says to Porters | kick this here howdacious’an Denaniieed willain: into ‘the street and | if he honély Looks’cross and him*to the bobbies'which I’ cut in course but Sir Mite makes» Rite.in this beestly old country and Shall hemmi- t pleese the I that_a Jobb or'two now in’ and*Turn up Trumps | butt hope you will slog that Railway for Kine and the Camel was going cléan agin Law and arf, the gallowsbuds out of quod wos of That part and Yet’could have trains and Bobbies wich i 1 Lore for the wretc and another for the pure and am ’ bo Your respectful Servant, Fetter Lane. W. CRacksMan.

True to Instinct. Tae “ Earthly Vicar’s ” holy moath Praises Jerr Davis and the South ~ For all:their pious*bravery. . Our pic seme were not so wrong Who; in their fierce King-William song Linked “ Popery and Slavery.”

_ A RAP FOR A RAPPER. Mr. Home, the Spirit-monger, has set up at Rome, as a Sculptor. Flora (indignantly). “Ou, DEAR NO, I’vVE BEEN TO AN IM—MENSE NUMBER!” A PATRON OF THE PUBLIC-HOUSE. GewrteMeEN of the United: Kingdom Alliance, be pleased to ponder’ the Soe extract from the report of Mr. | Guapstonr’s speech at Buckley, Flintshire, on the working | classes and savings’ banks :— .. “ The public-house, after all, ministered to the wants of mankind ; and it was not to be expected—whether to be desired or not—that the use of stimulants by whole communities could be altogether | dispensed with. At all events he was sure it did not become those | who were, in .his own condition, and felt that it was necessary to have sdme assistance of that kind toenable them to go through their labours, to d the moderate and rational and Christian- like use of those’things. (Hear, hear /)”

Yes, hear, hear! gentlemen. A preacher of Temperance hear, Saying, “‘ Take care to keep your heads clear, But unjust and unwise Is the bigot who tries To rob a poor man of his beer ! ” Beer is a good familiar creature, if it be well used, and, with the same proviso; the publie-house. is an excellent institution. No doubt when used overmuch, it is too much of a good thing; and when the CHANCELLOR OF THE | EXcHEQUER says :— ** But still the public-house was not a desirable place for the workman to spend that portion of his life which was not absorbed by labour and sleep and food.” Hear, hear! we cordially cry too. The words of sober- ness on the subject of drink pronounced by Mr. Guap- STONE, to whom we are indebted for that light Claret which bears his name, and which, if it cheers, at any rate does not inebriate, present a shing contrast to the | intemperate language of those miserable monomaniacs who | would saddle Joun Butt, if he were ass enough to let. them, with a Maine Law.

Legal Distinction. Q. What is the difference between Attorney and Counsel ? : A. One is a lawyer, and the other a jawyer.

Batt, Miss |, Goop News ror THE Jews.—The new Greek Minister |is GENERAL PETMOSES.

THE NEWEST LORD. My pear Mr. Ponca, ; Navan, County Meath. | You. may.have. thought that’ I was fidgety and ‘capricious | about the selection of my title... I have certainly been hovering over: | several names, but. the . fact is, old boy, I was determined to have one | which should defy even your powers of rhyme. a See what you can make, (ha! ha!) of a rhyme to the name of Your jolly old friend, ATHLUMNEY, Late Sm Wim SoMERviLLE. My pEaR ‘Log, we O, that’s it; is it? You ’re not just a boy, but.a hearty old man, :_ With 'w deceritish ancle; good too, and sdme knee, And so get a eras soon as you can, From the MIER, Whose’place'is near Romsey, not Romney ; And, how are you'now; our'déar, Baron: Ag UMNEY ? ,. Yours perpetually,, Puncu, ~ Tate up THIS’ Mornine.

THE NATIONAL SHAKSPEARE COMMITTEE. Ir was stated at a recent general meeting ‘of this Committee, that a record of its proceedings would ‘be deposited *in the British Museum. Many persons may desire earlier information as’ to ‘one ‘portion ‘of those: “proceedings.” ~ It’ should therefore ‘be’known' that’ upon” the first occasion on which the gréat body’ of those whose names have *been’ pro- cured for the. Committee list, had an opportunity of expressing their } ings as to previous’ “ proceedings,” such’of those ngs as resulted in the exclusion of’ Mr.’ THACKERAY’s’ name from the list of*Vice-Présidents were condemned by tlie following Resolution of | Censure :— ; $ <T Paki: “That the General Committee deeply deplore the premature decease of Mr mstances

| He may succeed there, but certainly he never cut a pretty figure here. THACKERAY, and ‘regret that. circu es should have occurred ‘to prevent the enrolment of his name in the list of Vice-Presidents.” e*

L—SaTuRDar, January 16,

nt — Printed by William B of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in’the Parish of St. County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverle in. the’ of edna elt ot Leadon Prieta ot teele Oikos ie acaba Street tae Presto at Wee ene Oe eee er ee eet, Erne. Ss, Floss boas fe tho Peslen of Wt. ride Clty {London. 1864.

Page 47

January 23, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Country Boy. *\WuHat’s HE A DOIN’ OF.” Town Boy. “Wy, a Vinpin’ up THE CauRcH CLocK, StoorrD.’ SCHLESWIG-HOLSTEIN. (4 German Drunken Song.)' Scuieswic !—grand word, sounds of swipes ; Schleswig-Holstein—beer and Pp 3 Dutchland’s claims are just an a: Schleswig-Holstein—pipes and beer. Tn tobacco cloudland dim, Fill the beerpot to the brim, Downsides up at one pull drain ; Schleswig-Holstein we will gain! Schleswig-Holstein shall be free, Just about as much as we. Any fool may understand Freedom’s home in Fatherland. Therefore Schleswig-Holstein, mates, Must be added to our states, Bloodshed never mind how much Danish ground we’ll make High Dutch. England can’t conceive what for We’re about to plunge in war. With Teutonic mind to think | Needs Teutonic smoke and drink. Visions, through these fumes that rise, Are concealed from British eyes ; There a German Fleet ap — Schleswig-Holstem— your beers! , No such sailors, fleet to man; Truer tars ne’er emptied can, Floods of swipes with us agree, So we’re safe to stand the sea. “Lubbers!” though Brrranni cries, * Hit a foe of — own size, Let that little boy alone.” Schleswig-Holstein we will bone. Schleswig-Holstein, gallant band Go and win—when you can stand. Lie and sing, to stand unable, Schleswig-Holstein under table. CONTRABAND SPIRITS AT ROME. Ir seems that’Mr. Home, the Medium, is at present studying ee at Rome, unless he has by this time been conducted out of | the Papal premises, not {to say dominions. The Spirits in which Mr. | Home is so a dealer, are ed as contraband by the Govern- | ment of the Porz. We are indebted tothe Roman correspondent of the Times for an extract from Mr. Homn’s diary, being the record of an examination which he:underwent in the presence of the police, before whom he been summoned to give an account of that wonderful autobiography which he has published under the title of Incidents of my | Life, and which incredulous Joun Butt has received with extended rs, and a thumb applied to the extremity of his nose. The Papal authorities, however, take a different view of Mr. Home’s book from that in which it presents itself to the British sight. ps are evidently | inclined to make an auto da fé of his autobiography, and the result of his interview with them was an order that he should leave Rome in three days. But for the interference of the British Consul, an involun- | tary egress from the Flaminian Gate, or some other outlet of the Eternal City, would have added another incident to the life of Mr. Home. He has, however, obtained permission to remain in Rome on condition of | ntinuing that business in the spirit line, which, however, he dis- | owns, alleging that he does not spirits from the vasty deep, but | that they will come when he does not call for them. As Mr. Home| was giving this account of his mediumship to his official interrogators, | the spirits, mgs to the subjoined extract from his own minutes of | what occurred, had the timely kindness to suit their action to his| word :— “Do you see the ts asleep and a — . Why do the spiri yout—Ae a pede pow A nnd a ie an eat beliews oy fg existence of the soul. What religion do they teach —That depends. What do you | do to make them come?’ I was about to reply that I did nothing, when on the | table where he was writing came clear and distinct raps. He then said, | ‘But the table also moves!’ Just as he was saying it the table did move.” | At present we must be content to say that this statement requires | man police officers, perhaps ; | themselves to have witnessed submitted to the inspection of a British | Inspector or two, of the Detective Division. The motion of inanimate objects, naturally fixed, is represented as being so o an occur- rence at Rome, that we might well expect to hear of the movements of moveables. Where pictures and statues are ant to wink, it is not | astonishing that tables and other furniture should be given to turn. | The Papal Government apparently ascribes these several marvels of motion to a spiritual cause ; the image-winking, however, to the agency | of superior spirits, and the table-moving to that of inferior sorts, too bad for rectification. There is reason to apprehend that the former class of spirits will prove to be far above proof, and the latter as far below it. Otherwise the Pore might order an experimentum crucis for | the extraction of truth, and the conversion of heretics. At all events, | if tables are found to turn in Mr. Home’s presence, notwithstanding | that of the officers of the Inquisition, it would be worth while, with a | view to see whether they would Fm to try holy water. In saying this, however, let us not be unders as wis to cast any aspersion | on Mr. Home, whose ambition to be a sculptor we highly applaud. | We are sure that we wish him every success in chiselling marble at any | rate, and hope that his celebrity as a Medium will be exceeded by the | fame which he will acquire by the production of works above mediocrity. | The Two Dromios. Mons. Mature DE LA Dréme is to France what Apmiat Fitzroy is to England. He is the French, as our Admiral—who so nobly | weathers the storm—is the English, Clerk. of the Weather. He is often | wrong, but oftener right, for many of his TE gn = have met with most signal success. ‘The two sharp-sighted seers into the middle of | next week agree on mont. points, especially those of the compass, and there is but one little difference between them, and that is merely nominal, for whereas Mons. Marutev is the meteorological Prophet of | the Dréme, ApMmRaAL Frrzroy may be calied the Prophet of the | co ion. . Who are its sponsors ? N.B. A Literary Correspondent is informed that the Author of the but we would rather have had the phenomenon which they may suppose | Tragedy of Jon was not STEELE. VOL, XLVI, E

Page 48

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 23, 1864. BRUMMAGEM LOYALTY. rin ome of ourreaders may have heard pet in a irmingham, where pistols, swords and toasting-forks, and other savage luxuries are vended for the use of semi-ci man- . This town some years since, was brought into some notice by a visit that was paid to it by Her TY THE QUEEN, who, attended by her loved mented, good Prince Consort, was pleased opening public recreation and pure open-air amuse- ment for the benefit of known perhaps, to some le residing in — of =, a oe royally was opened’ was; is 4 and ond of the half-dozen who are blest wi | remember certain words in the address | the day the Park was opened, which | without offence, were these:— as Aston Park: { memories may _may remind them * In some towns in ‘your ie) suteent blic * * have provided by wealthy corporations ; by the idinensc el pomen citizens : here, also, we are indebted to private liberality for two ation for the people ; but to a own exertious, an ancient park for physical mental cultivation—of her variously employed and laborious From ‘the wording of the’ phrase “to Birmi alone has it been given to secure,” — wh “English are be induced to fancy oO 4 f | that the purchase of the Park had been uired,”’ and of course one might have added, one would fancy, “has been paid for.” This it seems, however, by no means was the | case’; add was “ signed by the then Mayor and | other gentlemen of local distinetion,”’ the statement that the property called Aston Park “had been acquired” was, in point-of faet; a most open ae ple eter word. The trath is that | Hime Maszsty ere Sane Sonne Sennen | upomthe Park, which, of course, she under the impression that | it had been bought and paid for; and we now learn that :— hail and | “A number of tlemen (including the Rev. Dr. “the rector | deeply the dingrace which mun fall upon tho t i the porches ef the not com , have endeavoured to relieve the from sueh a stigma by wn eve | ae a ae money—£7,000—with the view to stimulate the Town Council to A memorial to this effect was the other day presented to the Birming- ham — Council, and the following’ resolution accordingly was moved :— “ That, in order to secure the realisation of Her Most Gracious Masesty’s ex tation and desire that Aston Park (which was publicly opened by the Queen) shall be permanently secured as a place for the healthy exercise and rational recreation of the industrious classes, and in commemoration of 15th day of June, 1858, itis expedient that the park be purchased by this Council ; and for this purpose that the Estate and Buildings Committee be authorised and instructed to treat for and buy (at a sum not exc £26,000) the said park and the hall, and other buildings standing thereon, as now or late held and occupied by the Aston Hall and Park Company, and to do and ti 'y acts and deeds that may be necessary to vest the same in the corporation,junder the pro- visions of the Birmingham Parks Act, 1854." The report which we are quoting here becomes so very clearly incor - reet that we cannot ask our readers longer to give credence to it. that the Town “was not pledged to purchase the Park,” and it is e y preposterous to put faith in the assertion that “no vote was en on the original resolution, and any decision was postponed until the next meeting of the Couneil” We much prefer to think that the trifling sum required for the purchase of the Park was' immediately voted ‘then embers of the Council, who indeed would but have had to put their hands into their pockets to find loose cash enough there jingling to make up the sum required. of course a vote of censure was unanimously passed by the Town Council on itself, for its culpable neglect in not having raised the money ever such a while ago; the humblest of petitions was directed to be forthwith resented to Her Maszsty, acknowledging the impudence wherewith!she had been swindled into honouring the Town, but p that, in mercy to their wretched wives and families, the Members of the Council should not at resent be beheaded, forthemtreasonable villainy in swindling thus their UEEN. THE MODERN SAM ‘HALL. (Jn Prisons and. such: places where they enjoy themselves, here followeth the ditty.) Anne=""Sam Hall.” My name it is Sam Hatt, | illam } ey to go there, | or the of | eu of | reereation which thus’ Tho” I sits-first quite dumb, he QuEEN upon| chase actually completed, and to siovagien this belief, the address proceeds to state that the Park “has | the auspicious visit of Her | Masesty and her illustrious Consert the Praryce ALBERT to this borough, on the | an Surely no one can believe that an ponte owe. was proposed to the effect | V great, villain J I’ve done both bigand a Now into gaol I Rewarded after all By the State, by the State. The Grub’s sufficient quite Fora man, for a man, ' The work so very light Just whets the appetite; _ My bed too’s warmed at night With a pan, with a pan. The Parson walks in, glum, he shows, tracts he shows, I’m gently overcome, When y I put my thumb ‘o-My nose, to my. nese: “STARVATION PARTIES.” Unper the above title the ladies of the Confederate division of the | American States are giving parties upon a principle which Mr. Punch heartily wishes could be tried here. Friends assemble for a social evening, music, ing, conversation, but money being precious in the present condition of things in the South, a hostess gives simple refresh- ments, and does not t it necessary to squander a | sum in | luxuries. Rg British mamas va cannot ask a few =e a hiring a , laying out a y supper, engaging. a a dozen | waiters, and causing cham to flow like water, such an expedient |as that of the Confederate ladies must be as revolting as‘ are the | Southern States themselves. But to the British matron who thi | that her friends come to see her and one another, and not for the sake of what they can get to eat and drink, and who has the pluck to offer | simple hospitality instead of indulging in sumptuous extravagance, the | Starvation Parties, as they are pleasantly will. seem sensible | things. Why should not young housekeepers, some who are less , take the hint from the beautiful ladies of the South—or, if pre- erred, from the beautiful Mr. Punch. He hereby. encourages them to try. e won’t talk of Starvation, but su he honours such assem- | blies with a title from his own househo: Let a Judy Party be the name for an evening arranged in the rational way i Husbands will be found far more pliable, in the matter of party-giving, when wives point out that everybody has gone away pk and yet the cheque wanted for the expenses of the night is a very’s one. Mr: Punch hardly knows, whether he dare add that the Richmond ladies attend “in sumple dress ’’—but he hazards this second hint, with a full sense of its audacity. But he strongly believes that the happiness of society (oad he lives but to promote this) would be materially increased by the | Judy Party becoming a Domestic Institution. Atrocious Outrage on Mazzini. | Tie French. Police“have been guilty of a diabolic attempt. They | have sought to throw into the house of M. Mazzint paper shells filled | with poisonous charges. Luckily these missiles struck against the column of an English printing-house, and exploded without harm to | the intended victim, but with damaging effect upon the conspirators. We believe that their extradition has been demanded +by the, British | | Government.

Page 49

January 23, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

| A MECHANICAL DONKEY. | xX —_ of improving his | rson | who signs | hind, ie, ae WARDS, and —— writes from | the office of the Mechanic's Magazine and Journal of the! Applied Sctences, has | been applying all the science he knows in concocting an amusingly abusive letter to | Mr. Punch, which that gen- | tleman hereby acknowledges. Mr. Passmore Epwarps nplains of somethin we have published, he deseribe to | the facts it to Passmore Epwaxps cannot | spell, and that there are so many charity se in| London. He er that his own literary. exertions for the Mechanic’s ns something Ani be pot WARDS sends Us.a new Member for Rochdale “has fi ever.” Still, even this novel desirable in scientific statements. Mr. Coxnpen has, undoubt his name into a great many Stars—we think that. so late as onthe m | there was an article about ‘him but they do not blaze for ever, but only for about three minutes, while the domestic blows them to "make the wood in the grate catch fire However, we are thankful for any| information, and have enclosed a spelling- book to Mr. Epwarps, and | when he shall be a little advanced in rudimentary knowledge, we will ask him to learn this couplet—all easy little words :— * Th . This. World . There. Is. One. Ass. More. Than ..Punck, Had. Known. And. That. Is. Pass . ore.” is not — with the —

PROTECTION FOR GATEPOSTS. Fora long term of years I have been subjected to an 7 ance, which has kept my aoe | in a constant state of irritation. oceupy @ suburban villa, with a gate and posts in front of it ted | white, but, as often as ted, seribbled and drawn over by boys, | passing, or coming fro Seeeaioeen tote door. Iam not one of th hose | testy persons who care -_ seeing their name scrawled under the | sketch of an irregular oval figure with toasting-forks for legs and arms, or the imperfect attempt of youthful art. to delineate a man hanging on aderrick. My dignity is not o by those juvenile caricatures of | my person, but my sense of order is greatly acted by the cpa ment of my premises. Now,.Sir, I have at last contrived to rid m of this vexation ; and pent readers may like to know how. oleae cn ty Sir, had it — whitewashed, and affixed | to pailings close to my gate. Toanail, by a long:s io pe some attached a lead-pencil, and on the top ‘of the board ted, » black letters, “ Please to write and draw on this board” whitew regularly every morning, or oer if ‘the| embellishments and inscriptions are of an otherwise than unobjection-— able,nature. It answers admirably; and I think the authonties who | preside over ws School of en should give some credit for the encouragement Sr, | | of juvenile genius to Yours truly, Crvas.

The Royal Baby. Mr. Puncn thinks that the most appropriate title for the little Prince | would be “Dux or Cornnwa.t,” seeing that he must necessarily remain so long a minor (miner).

Art Nore.—The Karly Italian Style-—An Organ-grinder at five o’clock in the morning. . the | mingles well TOPICS WITH TEA, You can’t have Topics without T, that’s evident, the same remark | | applies to Toast, though in this case, Tea must be taken twice. The | te si the

under With the opmion of this respected ge Dinner-time, 1 aly eomatitated minds and well iu, er organs, affords n for discursive conversation. | the courses, a ion i of certain a tele mae | the egy oe science of health. I pass over Dessert, a mere barbarous exerescence which, I Ohristian dinner-eaters, what is this. take it, a ae hools a place Pepe ey pe ae oy pe how-| I appeal to any head family. of | givings nail. and the moment -of its introduction ven. made \ ivers. ‘Think..not: its. ‘Trust. mot of you by your | ofa man according | the majority of our | ‘ = we come to our -room topics and a better T, which oa hn mos suitable to topics, I | mean the ‘T; imal of Tobacco smoking-room ; strike the light cigar! Fill up your pipes, and clear your pipe if need be, to join | me in my role. Am—“ The Sea! The Sea !” The T! the T! the T, A, B, A, C! The new, the fresh, the drawing The Clay-ay-ay Pi-ipe for me! Without a mark, without a stain, Id smoke it and fill it u- -up again Then came a She! Then came a She ! —— who made with oe house so free, ho blew above as they blew below, Were told to the kitchen that they must go! My wife has her tea, And so will we, *hacca ? 2 What, ’bacea ? What, Will you come and smo-oke with me ? Chorus. What *bacca? What *bacea? Will you come and smo-o-0-0-0-oke with me ? After the introductory chorus comes the recitative of topics: very | true, but on referring to the time, I find that, to use a Huguenotically | operatic illustration, our conversation would be “ interrupted by the | watch,” and therefore we’ll allow the Tropics, for this occasion, to end | in smoke, Whiff! Whiff!

Excuse for Late Hours. natured, and had such + lot of | spirits that, not being able to e ¢ them all in one night, he was | forcibly driven to encroach upo “4 next morning to enable him | properly to get through them”. >~- Extract from an Unpublished Trish | Novel. “ Hx was as wild as he was

HONOUR TO LETTERS. Sm Row1anp Hit1 ought to be the best informed person living, as he must necessarily be (as the Yankees would express it) well ‘ osied | | up’? in all the movements of the day,—and night.

A QUESTION TO BE ANSWERED. We observe an advertisement beginning Home’s without He Welt we know that the Pope has forbidden Mn. Home to fe his ggling with the hands, but why is it advertised ?

FasHIONABLE TRADE Report.— Materials for Ladies’ Dresses, of all | colours, are in brisk demand, and fetch good prices per acre.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [JanuaRY 23, 1864. tibiae 7 THE TOLL-BAR NUISANCE. Cabby (to impudent Boy at Gate). ‘An! You ALWAYS HAVE BEEN a Saucy YounG Doc; BUT YOU’RE GOING TO BE DONE AWAY WITH, THAT ’S ONE COMFORT—AND YOU CAN’T GROW INTO 4 TuRNPIKE MAN A WELCOME TO THE BABY PRINCE. BY THE POET LAUREATE T-PP-R. TWINKLE, twinkle, little Star, That ’s precisely what you are, Star of England’s hopes, and mine, Destined on her throne to shine. Pretty little royal boy, ‘ Father’s pride and mother’s joy, How I long to see thee toddle, And to kiss thy pinky noddle! | Haply if thy praise I sing, Old. England’s small but future King! Paand Ma will ask me down To Frogmore, nigh to Windsor town. Therefore, hail! auspicious child! Who upon our land hast smiled! And let th nts read my rhymes A hundred thousand million times ! ECCLESIASTICAL. On the occasion of Dr. Penuryy Sranzey’s taking his stall for (we hope) several seasons in Westminster Abbey, the learned and reverend gentleman had to hear certain formal addresses, and make the answers common to these ceremonies. One novel question was, we hear, put ; it is supposed to have been framed by Dr. C. Worpswortu, with a view to test the depth of the new dignitary’s research. It was as follows :— . What were the first two specimens of fruit in Paradise ? R. STANLEY promptly replied, My dear Canon, the Serpent was the | first Meddler : Apam and Eve were the first Pair. After this the Canon went off. ” THE INNISKILLINGS AND THE LILLEYKILLINGS. THE nation must be a very unreasonable, not to _ impolite nation, | if it is not perfectly satisfied with the very gentlemanly way in which H.R.H. the Duxz or CamprincE has arranged the CRAWLEY business. Nothing could be in better taste. Cotonet Craw1ey having beert honourably acquitted on all the charges which the Horse Guards thought could in fairness be brought against a gentleman, the Duke pleasantly re-iterates the fact, and in replacing Cotonen Craw ey at the head of the Inniskilling Dragoons, gives him just that friendly hint about tact and temper which one veteran soldier might offer to another. All the persons who were so rude as not to like Coronet CrawLey, or to give evidence in an ungentlemanly manner, are severely wigged and menaced, as such conduct -justly deserves, and Sr Hueu Rose is apalogised to for, having been rebuked under a misapprehension. ut the noble generosity of the Horse Guards does not stop here, and as if to: confute the base and public-house charge that the humble soldier is less considered than fis superiors, the Duke or CAMBRIDGE makes the most complete atonement to the manes of SzrsEANT-Masor Liiey, by frankly admitting that there is no particular proof that he was not a sober man “ up to the period of his arrest.” is generous, soldierly, and unstinted compensation must be more than satisfactory to Littey’s relatives and to the nation, and in the interest of the Army, and especially of the recruiting service, a copy of the Duke’s remarks should be largely distributed. As for the ridiculous, lawyer-like objec- tions, that Lintey was kept under arrest in violation of the Articles of War, and that he and his wife died under pai circumstances, we really feel that it would be lowering the tone in which military matters are discussed by gentlemen, to enter into explanations of such miserable —. The cess Guards have behaved as might have been ex- pected. Interesting Problem. Grven—any two servant-girls in a neighbourhood gossiping—to find—the conversation lasting sixty seconds without the occurrence of the following sentence—“ So sez she to me, sez she.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvary 23, 1864.

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January 23,, 1864:] PUNCH, OR. THE LONDON CHARIVARI 37 medical gentleman ready in attendance, and humanely added, “ SCOTTISH ECONOMY. | | may poor boy; but don’ t do it come if} you can help it” ; S this half bad? xThe Scotti . The prisoner took another sight of gratitude, and retired. gy an e a JaneT Drasser, a domestic servant, was charged with beating the . dl ¥" noe asse infant children of ,her mistress, and with frightening one of them into rope es though gg oe ae a.hideous mask, jn ay em who.was.in bed, cried, and has never, when seated at the|' ‘he oe lode ty but said she. couldi?t abear ‘children. some re boars of one htest | be ge pico wreiches, always: wanting something or ever Glasgow as ut glen yo aman nese mit nd io eases a signal proof that coon | stolen, and retuming it to the shop, andro that-time-ehe had always a Scottish virtue. Eve knows, or ought to kn Eno and The ist ; ; like children was be it said to the confusion and shame of London and her oul cisterns and abominable water-tubs, that every house in Glasgow is supplied, from sean + sag camel sky-parlour, with ‘13 of! ten years’ _ the beautiful water of Loch prisoner-was:not- responsible for his - gape van which is so pure that The ‘attorney: for the. serine od oS Dr. Wzaset had stands next to distilled | j ng ay soak ~ Ret = re it seems + hha s oo the Water Ss ssid’ that: the attorney: probably not. have attended i ily byrthe breaking > i prisoner said it presiding at a meeting at which "3 i Setitireiidenctemtmesicectiy conclusive, and Conversation took place-as'to the waste of water, eee riety of having harged efficient staff of officersto moththuaraniine place throughout the city. | that the practical ‘character of jthe Scottish people was by the resolution to which the meeting came, | trunk, of which the following 1s‘a copy -— | prisoner refasingyte:give up the ke ite ioe de . Two ccainent mynicians Preeti and certified that hey had’ talked | to. her, no doubt of her Shevhad no idea ‘as to the. eetietion of Swi believed'that diamonds were , | discovered in a polished state, had never mtn of an Artesian Well, or ea a oe tay oy « of the "WOeo4 ee _ thought. that ra - sino yh dhe er perrng ae ee ee ge hg riday, Or to see the new jnoon, for the had the opportunity of making ou grog with water like that bid on to | “Tho Magutaa torl tet ih wos, egemnsiy hecsh to ining: nck « asgow. If companies ve US we do want, ins of Railways which we don’t, —_ associations would not be the objects = on into a Police Court, and ordsred’her to be let out es the private of hatred (unlimited) and scorn which they now are. JEREMIAH Grupa, farm bul cane setting fire to a | —_ pean ype the entire ceed of his s employer we were burned ie asked f Sr kin. dolce, tan gpooer Sau ich Somerset- or ner in ari WHAT fF? IS COMING TO. ; ‘dialect, rope aa priso (dn extract fromthe Polite Reports of 1865.) “ What. pity such a vine young’ vellar should go to Bot'ny Bai.” WittuaM SMasHER was yesterday charged with dashin The Magistrate, with much kindness, assured him that there was no stone through the slediian window of Sieeiens Mnae oo & large | fear of that, and asked him how he came to burn the stack. ‘ABLECOUT, | oh) Fae mg property to the amount of £15, and stealing a a enh ar — to _ a rationel answer, om a The case ng wating doe clearly proved, Dr. Crayxy Crack, the | | line of defence, and he shouted— eminent’mad-doctor, was called, wats said that the prisoner was suffering “I did it afore his very sight, lor, how:the ne chap dia stare, hs — hallucination. His third cousin had gone out to the gold diggings For it’s my delight of a shining night, to the hay-rick flare. iled, and this misfortune had given such a shock to his mind| Medical evid bout to be called to prove derstood that he had conceived an insane dislike of shops where gold was that the prisoner's ‘mod: hed. bam fearfully essed about: fires, ever exhibited. since an itmerant lecturer had recited in his:presence' Lorp Macavnay’s The Magistrate said that the prisoner must of course be discharged. poem on the kindling of the Armada-beacons, but Octavius SHanny was charged with having gone to the Exhibition! The Magistrate said that he should expect ow deserve to be mobbed of the Royal Academy, = having stabbed and cut to Mr. | as he went home if he detained'sucha:man,.and ordered his immediate Mutuats’ noble picture of Aaron Hur holding up the honeee’ of Moses. discharge Being asked what. he ‘had to. say, the prisoner made faces at the | The isoner asked, very quietly, for money to take him back to the trate. ere he had been in service, and this was at once given him out edical evidence was. adduced. to. show that the qrscnes, ae about ix ed poor-box. ay pny on pled di that the nate of ‘Mec Pines n, for some and t the name o oad : : had since been cngngh Anan him to the wildest acts. A Jacobite Rhyme Revived. The Magistrate regre’ that under the circumstances the police | BY A MUDDLED STUDENT OF THE NEWSPAPERS. had taken the poor fellow into. custody, and ordered his, oT | harge. . Buess Holstein’s rightful King, the the Fag ras a = he Pretender Larry M‘Tworrer, an Irish lad, was charged with dashing 4 Bless,—there ’s n Which the Pretender i is, > leseing ‘ce King, >. of | er into the carriages of ladies who were going to Blest if I know; that’s quite another thi The prisoner showed the: lamentable condition of his mind by taking | : a sight at the worthy Magistrate, who said he need not trouble a Envy.—The Dyspepsia of the Mind:

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 23, 1864. 0) v WAN) .a* ah\\ \\)) NS \ Peritous Posrrion oF ovr TurNcock THE Day AFTER THE Frost, THE COMING ELECTION. | Taene will probably next summer be a general election, and we really think that | during their vacation our M. P.’s would be wise to spare a small slice of their | leisure to pre and ponder over their next year’s election speeches. The toils | of hunting, shooting, hing, and other highly necessary senatorial occupations, | are of course, we know, of far superior importance to any mere political study or | employment; and we are aware that many Members consider they best do their | duty to their country by living out of town, and out of troublesome Saint Stephen’s, | as much as ever their constituents will suffer them to do so. Still in the finest sporting season there must sometimes be wet days when in-door labour is accept- | able, and the preparing of a hustings speech is just that easy sort of work, which | when one is in the country, one feels competent to do. Now there are two subjects which seem just now of ount importance, | and on which, when any candidate appears upon the hustings, it is —_ certain that | he will be sherry questioned. Street Music is one of them, end’ way Inroads | the other : and it is clear that on the views which he maintains upon these subjects | his election or rejection will in chief degree depend. Do you like Street Music? | will be the rgd meery proposed to him. Will you oppose new eget | Inroads ? | he, no doubt, will next be asked ; and if he misplaces hi ive and negative, we shall, in point of Parliament, regard hiim as a cherub, and would give little for his chance of getting a seat there. Unthinking persons possibly may argue, that these matters are mere London subjects, and that country candidates will not | be bored about them. But Punch hereby gives notice that he will not give his | support to any candidate who shirks the test-points he has mentioned: and any | Member who gets in by holding wrong views on these subjects, Punch intends to | bully, browbeat, joke, quiz, ridicule, make fun of, and turn into contempt, until that | Member gives up his opinions or his seat. . } A Brace of Dictators. fe One Dictator at a time might be thought to be enough for even a model | Republic ; but according to RevTEr :— “ The iron-clad Dictator has been successfully launched at New York.” So that there is an iron-clad Dictator at New York, whilst there is, also a shoddy-clad Dictator at Washington. A DUCK DISHED. (See French Newspaper Reports of the latest “ Assassination Plot” passim.) Mapame La France is tossing Uneasy, in her sleep ; The opiates she’s been dosed with No more bring slumbers deep. “ La Gloire’s” morphine, for which she used To crave, is waved away ; She kicks against the chloroform Of “ L? Empire ¢’est la Paiz ;” And even rejects the opium pill Of “ La Prospérité ! The “little games,’’ that used to cheat Her sick hours, lose their charm ; ? Saving Society ”- won’t chouse, Nor “ Spectre Rouge” alarm. She looks at her strait-waistcoat ; Feels where she has been bled ; Puts her hand with a dreamy look, | Up to her shaven head— Feeling for Freedom’s aureole, Finds /e tricorne instead : Has doubts whether these douches Of debt and tax and loan, Prescribed by her kind doctor, Were not best let alone ; Feels that her pulse beats steady ; Finds her limbs want free play ; Is hungry, but would like her food: ' Dressed in another way : “Not @ PImpériale,” she cries, But “a la Liberté.” If this go on, Madame may soon Of her régime complain ; May e’en insist on getting up And going out again ! Burst, Samson-like, the safety-bands That swathe her, limb and side, Tear her strait-waistcoat, e’en kick out Her Keeper true and tried— Against such dangerous symptoms, *Tis urgent to provide, What ’s to be done—bleed ? blister ? No; first, our Congress bolus— But Europe’s M.D.’s shake their heads, And leave our Doctor solus / Try Avertissement-anodyne— Tt don’t work as it used : De Morny’s tonic bitters— They ’re scoffed at and refused : Quick— Madame grows more restless— The Doctor she’s abused ! Ha! an idea! History tells How Rome escaped the Gauls, Thanks to a timely goose that hissed From Capitolian walls. But Paris has so many geese Hissing into her ears, Their voice may well be impotent To stir or still her fears ; But she trusts Quacks : let fly a Duck! And lo that Duck appears ! No common Canard, weakly fledged From the Press hatching-pen : | From RevuteEr’s office flown at nine, To be knocked down at ten: No Bourse lame-duck that waddles out, But scarce its legs can feel, : Till it’s caught, neck-wrung, plucked and picked, Yet barely makes a meal— Un Canarnp Coxossau! to set Weak eyes and brains a-reel ! Blood-red the colour of its wings, (They ’ll loom large in the air) ; Stuffed full of bombs (they won’t be charged But look as if they were) ;

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January 23, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 39 A huge six-shooter in each foot, A poniard in its ee ee sublimate, And aeolian “eprom brite,” Bere ke eal And force its terrors home, ‘its head, wings, one name Miumvir of omel oo em igen Age the assassin’s e 1’s bloodless brow fe recente tomcat * * Quel rouge-dragon de canard : : La France ’twill tame ! / Look in the air! See where old Dicic flies ! Beware his: bombs, revolvers, and saucer-eyes ! Bob fice your head beneath the clothes, i pode shan’t _— nae ip ! Ll keep Mazzrnt at arm’s length, I'll save La Francp! Bale “Conau /” shouts France, with thumb to nose, And finger-tips arow. MiHlave either had their day Have ei Or the — canards have lost Their old imposing sway. Spite of our large expense in li Carried ticle and thin, name faith torwi Duek of ours takein! | fear the result” of an inquiry which would be dreaded by ‘some other persons. Those others, of course, are the anaplenlt 26 and surgeons, who differ from the patent proprietors only in having first received a general education, and then having carefully and minutely studied anatomy, physiology, chemistry, n 3» and thera- poation, instead of having co: ir to practice of ery. 4 The conclusion of this felfow’s epistle is a fine example of that flatu- ted physicians lence which is incurable by any medicine :— | « after that blic avowal, before referred to, of incompetenoy, is it ‘in the interest of humanity’ that these self-conslituted, guardians c allowed solely a the ye 1 Si \ tkno body, tha ‘are icime 2 are the afflicted telook if patent m abolished ?~Lam, Sir, yours) 40, J.P.” “ Kensingtow Park, Jan. 9.”" Té‘isnot difficult to understand whom the Quack speaks'of" as: the “ self-constituted ians of i * They are-thenmedical profession in general, and 0 which regulates its affairs, But these ae: constitute ians of the public health by Act of Parliament, .and: what the uack fears and deprecates:is the enlargement of their-authority; at his cost. “To whom are the: afflicted to look if patent’ medicines. are abolished?” To:a respectable Sorgen who will prescribe:for them what is suitable for their complaint, and who will know* whab-is: the matter with. them. That is‘more than they know themselves, so:that when they take: a ific ened. supposing there is one, must oe en Sei eats oe inea} or capable o: p medicine whi ares al sae, a pamaes like thab-whieh J.P. is most likely interested in the- of, UNTHINKING BEGGARS. Mr: Ponca, : Tue numerous: beggars. who, at this» inclement. nen naa f in the» streets, the isthe ‘eanse which most generally reduces to ~The answer that may too readily be given is, ther own E is-a-tnistake. I would rather say, their own stupidity. What vi s me with the belief that pecuniary destitution is. chiefly le to want QUACKERY CRYING OUT. Tue Quacks are y alarmed by the prospect of an additional’ clause to the New Medical Bill, which’ threatens to deprive them of what they cali their eopyright in those notorious names under which their specifics are adver . One of these fellows, the other day, had the impudence to write to one of the bronze papers, in vindication of the crafi by which they get their wealth, a letter, which thus commences >— ’ “THE NEW MEDICAL BILL. “ To the Bditor of the ‘ Daily Telegraph.’ , and also ‘in the interest of humanity,’ I trust ‘will allo pateat wondben;asepipan “0. we . a8 is ent on the compounding and bing of ;patent medicines. In the — et wreath Pe it it has been chiefly by eschewing the use of those violent remedies to w! he refers that patent m icines: have generally for repro rece de mtn I ask, in 3 h aes ye es , why so for the one sim: is obpech=-4ite eurvectten of the Lut Matte upon the right n of these organs that health and disease depend.” Ff It is perhaps. allowable to answer a k’s question, for the fit of those whom it is meant to humbu; ; Wigs so — necessary for the correction of the stomach and intestines? Because there are very many different states of the stomach and: intestines, and the other digestive organs not mentioned by the Quack, to the correction | of which different remedies are adapted, Moreover there are other | organs of the body, besides the digestive, upon whose right functions | health and disease depend, and on which medicines may be required to | act, so that the ‘ one simple object” of remedies is not ‘ the correction | P the stomach a 2 — besyoss the Correspondent of e r quoted is dow rietor of some com- | Reet taatnon orn see e goes on to cite certai issions/on the of medical lecturers of the imperfection of medical science ; tne remarks ':— | | “* If this is a true reflex of the medical science of the present » itis high tim this i¢ medical should be abolished, and that the efforts of can “ Sir,—In fair’ me, on behalf of his statem: the thee Pe be tnd ot has fant the hands of men who do understand ey , several systems ; the patent sabdieine prowienoes Tilt nt fear the result.” - The men whose hands legislators should not try to fetter, because | they do understand the theory of cause and effect a which the Quack pro means the connection between cause and effect, and who can comprehend the nature and action of the remedies the employ are, acco to him, the proprietors of patent medicines. They ‘will not | in the other; then in each of his coat of sense, is the utter absence of all consideration which beggars usually exhibit m the very act of soliciting charity of passengers. Avstout old gentleman, of an appearance which his friends may style apopleciic, is walking along the street, tightly buttoned up in an over- coat without pockets, Around his neck a et wrapper is folded several times, and his hands are enveloped in thick worsted gloves encircled with a large roll of fur at the wrists. What possible induce- ment, think you, shall prevail upon this old gentleman to undo his accoutrements, throw himself o and let the: cold air into his bosom and the pit of his stomach ? eta pveetine f will get in the way of this old gentleman, and without one thought of what he: is: asking kim to do, to give a poor man to bu he means a bronze. | man’s pocket is a simple co to How is it to be got out? Does he unbutton his: overcoat—for which his gloves and put them into his: mout! unwind the wrapper from around his throat—next to undercoat, and fumble in his waistcoat first: in one and then of his trousers, to see if he can find a ‘penny-or a bably wie doheees 4 f ob ti rception, d judgment, th e deficiency of observation, pe reason, and j , the total vacuity of mind that alone could admit of so absurd an expecta- a would ee any ne labouring under it le of en the commonest affairs, of preserving property, or earning any sub- sistence. Imagine to yourself this old gentleman taking: himself to pieces before the public in the manner above detailed; a spectacle to the bystanders! It is what he is asked to do a dozen times every day in the course of his constitutional. is has taught him rather to. pity the obtuseness than to blame the depravity of beggars. Heiis Your humble Servant, Sz2emx. *,* There is much acuteness in our correspondent’s remarks. on. the thoughtless importunity of beggars. They ought to know that he has subscribed,as much as he can afford to soup-kitchens, and put all his spare coppers into the poor-box.—Puncu. Home rx Rome.—On the usual day for such applications, Mz. Home : applied to the Ecclesiastical Authorities'of the City fora Licence to deal in Spirits. Licence re say, ““ Gentleman, please yer honour, har yer got ara copper kets, ets, and lastly in the pockets |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 23, 1864. | Prritous Posirion oF ovuR TuRNCOCK THE DaY AFTER THE FRosT, THE COMING ELECTION. Tuere will probably next summer be a _ ogee election, and we really think that | during their vacation our M. P.’s would be wise to spare a small slice of their | leisure to prepare and Pew over their next year’s election speeches. The toils | of hunting, shooting. ing, and other highly necessary senatorial occupations, are of course, we know, of superior importance to any mere by a study or | employment ; and we are aware that many Members consider they best do their duty to their country by living out of town, and out of troublesome Saint Stephen’s, | as much as ever their constituents will suffer them to do so. Still in the finest — season there must sometimes be wet days when in-door labour is accept- able, and the preparing of a hustings speech is just that easy sort of work, which | when one is in the country, one feels competent to do. Now there are two subjects which seem just now of paramount importance, and on which, when any candidate appears upon the hustings, it is pretty certain that | he will be shop questioned. Street Music is one of them, an way Inroads the other : and it is clear that on the views which he maintains =n these subjects | his election or rejection will in chief degree depend. Do you like Street Music? | will be the rage pay proposed to him. Will you oppose new Railwa: s?| he, no doubt, next be asked; and if he misplaces his affirmative me | negative, we shall, in point of Parliament, regard him as a cherub, and would give little for his chance of getting a seat there. Unthinking persons possibly may argue, that these matters are mere London subjects, and that country candidates will not | be bored about them. But Punch hereby gives notice that he will not give his support to any candidate who shirks the test-points he has mentioned: and any Member who gets in by holding wrong views on these subjects, Punch intends to | bully, browbeat, joke, quiz, ridicule, make fun of, and turn into contempt, until that Member gives up his opinions or his seat. A Brace of Dictators. One Dictator at a time might be thought to be enough for even a model r Republic ; but according to RevTEer :— “ The iron-clad Dictator has been sfully | hed at New York.” So that there is an iron-clad Dictator at New York, whilst there is, also a shoddy-clad Dictator at Washington. A DUCK DISHED. (See French Newspaper Reports of the latest “ Assassination Plot” passim.) Mapame La France is tossing Uneasy, in her sleep ; The opiates she’s been dosed with No more bring slumbers deep. “ La Gloire’s”? morphine, for which she used To crave, is waved away ; She kicks against the chloroform Of “ Z? Empire c'est la Pair ;” And even rejects the opium pill Of “ La Prospérité !” The “little games,” that used to cheat Her sick hours, lose their charm ; ny Saving Society ”- won’t chouse, Nor “ Spectre Rouge” alarm. She looks at her strait-waistcoat ; Feels where she has been bled ; Puts her hand with a dreamy look, | Up to her shaven head— Feelmg for Freedom’s aureole, Finds /e ¢ricorne instead : Has doubts whether these douches Of debt and tax and loan, Prescribed by her kind doctor, Were not best let alone ; Feels that her pulse beats steady ; Finds her limbs want free play ; Is hungry, but would like her food: ' Dressed in another way : “Not @ PImpériale,” she cries, But “a la Liberté.” Tf this go on, Madame may soon Of her régime complain ; May e’en insist on getting up And going out again! Burst, Samson-like, the safety-bands That swathe her, limb and side, Tear her strait-waistcoat, e’en kick out Her Keeper true and tried— Against such dangerous symptoms, *Tis urgent to provide. What ’s to be done—bleed ? blister ? No; first, our Congress bolus— But Europe’s M.D.’s shake their heads, And leave our Doctor solus / Try Avertissement-anodyne— t don’t work as it used : De Morny’s tonic bitters— They ’re scoffed at and refused : Quick— Madame grows more restless— The Doctor she’s abused ! Ha! an idea! History tells How Rome escaped the Gauls, Thanks to a timely goose that hissed From Capitolian walls. But Paris has so many geese Hissing into her ears, Their voice may well be impotent To stir or still her fears ; But she trusts Quacks : let fly a Duck! And lo that Duck appears ! No common Canard, weakly fledged From the Press hatching-pen :_ From Revuter’s office flown at nine, To be knocked down at ten: No Bourse lame-duck that waddles out, But scarce its legs can feel, P Till it’s caught, neck-wrung, plucked and picked, Yet barely makes a meal— Un Canarp Coxossa! to set Weak eyes and brains a-reel ! Blood-red the colour of its wings, (They ’ll loom large in the air) ; Stuffed full of bombs (they won’t be charged But look as if they were) ;

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Jaxvary 23, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 39 A huge six-shooter in each foot, A poniard in its bill, _ in corrosive su deadlier to kill ; th its wing re ! meaty bana de canard ! : La France ’twill tame ! “ Le Spectre ! Look in the air! See where old Bogie flies ! Beware his: bombs, revolvers, and saucer-eyes ! Bab Hinde your head beneath the clothes, i *t catch you—no! L’lt keep Mazzrnt at arm’s length, I’lk save La Francs! Holloa! “Connu !” shouts France, with thumb to nose, And finger-ti ips-arow. Like other Bogies Spectres Rouges Have pogo their day. Or the Police canards have lost ir old imposing sway. Cand irough fo tad ths, : f to-win— Duek of ours ' ‘takein.! | fear tho weanlt 6, of an inquiry which would be dreaded by some other i “* After that QUACKERY CRYING OUT. Tue Quacks are y alarmed by the prospect of an additional’ clause to the New Medical Bill, which’ theedens to deprive them of what they call their copyright im those notorious names under which their specifics are adver . One of these fellows, the other day, had | the impudence to write to one of the bronze papers, in vindication of the by which they get their wealth, a letter, which thus commences :-— : “THE NEW MEDICAL BILL. “ To the Bditor of the ‘ Daily Telegraph.’ “ Sir,—In fair play, and also ‘in the interest ity,’ a. f of of humanity,’ I trust his statement on the con: will allow ond. pres Tey ote BOE In the it has been chiefly by eschewing'the that patent medicines have generally the one remedy > oO stomach and intestines rs for it is m of these organs that health and disease depend.” ” , | It: is perhaps allowable to answer a quack’s question, for the benefit | of those whom. it is meant to humbug. - Why are so 1 : ics necessary for the correction of the stomach and intestines there are very many different states of the stomach and: intestines, and the other digestive organs not mentioned by the Quack, to the correction | of — Eger an Ral peat, en there are other organs of the body, besides the digestive, upon whose right functions | health and disease depend, and on which medicines may = miapieed te act, so that the ‘ one simple object’ of remedies is not ‘ the correction | of the stomach and intestmes,’ for which purpose the Correspondent of the above is doubtless. th i - | penal oe wes ou e proprietor of some com The Quack goes on to cite certain admissions on the part of medical. lecturers of the imperfection of medical science ; heme w remurhe | “* If this is a true reflex of the medical science of the present it is tim this ic medical should be abolished, poy Th the efforts of not in fettering the hands of men who do understand ve itensinton we ee employ, a ito merits.of several systems ; paw f the patent medicine proprietors will not fear the result.” The men whose hands legislators should not try to fetter, because they do understand the theory of cause and effect by which the Quack means the connection between cause and effect, and who ean comprehend the nature and action of the remedies the employ, are, according to him, the proprietors of patent medicines. They ‘will not persons. Those others, of course, are the arly educat cians and surgeons, who differ from the patent proprietors only in having first received a general education, and then having and minutely studied anatomy, physiology, chemistry, noso » and thera- pos, instead of having confined their s to the. practice of ery. 4 The thinsiieien of this fellow’s epistle is a fine example: of that flatu- ‘lence which is incurable by any medicine :— blic avowal, before referred to, of incompetency, is it ’ that these self-co: ‘in the interest of humani 0" bedy, that ‘they are still living in the dark ages of/medieine ?* are ‘the afflicted tolook if patent medi¢ines-are abolished ?—I‘am, Sir, yours/ ae, J.P.” “* Kensingtow Park, Jan. 9." Tt isinot difficult to understand whom the: Quack speaks- of’ as the protease: in fganccal, sod inipartculay Wie c its. affairs. But these queen on. eee of the public health by Act of Parliament, and what the uack-fears and is the enlargement of their-authority; at his . “To whom are the afflicted to look if patent’.medieines. are abolished?” To:a:respectable organ yf who will Fees ery what is'suitable for their complaint, and who will know* whab-is: the ere a oe That is-more than they show themselves, so:that nm. the a specific nee, sup ere is one, must | doubt whuiber they: ave: taking the = gen bow they are sich bolsas to be- incapable of ht, or to be capable of 1 avpatent medicine which: cures all a panacea like +P. is most likely interested in the of, ———— 4 UNTHINKING BEGGARS. Mr. t= on HE numerous: beggars who, inclement, accustomed to aupeee in the streets, the: ‘eause which most generally reduces : that may too readily be given is, their own fault. I would rather say, their own stupidity. What s me with the belief that pecuniary destitution is. chiefly:a le to want of sense, is the utter absence of all consideration which beggars usually exhibit in the very act of soliciting charity of passengers. Asstout old gentleman, of an appearance which his friends may style apopleciic, is walking along the street, tightly buttoned up in an over- coat without pockets, Around his neck a railway’ wrapper is folded | several times, and his hands are enveloped in thick worsted gloves | encireled with a roll of fur at the wrists. What possible.i 1 V e-induce- ment, think you, shall prevail upon this old gentleman to undo his accoutrements, throw himself ry) and let the cold air into his bosom and the pit of his stomach ?- opps will get in the way of | this old gentleman, and without one thought of what he: is: asking him to do, say, “ Gentleman, please yer honour, har is- the "Phe answer is-a-mistake. yer got ara cop to give a poor man to buy ’im a bit.o* bread.” Lepper eae on he means a bronze. Where, does he suppose? A copper! all he conceives that his request amounts to. A/copper imanold man’s pocket is a simple co to him; a Peter Bell of a» How is it to be got out? | this utton his overcoat—for which p' loves and put them into his neat on else unwind the wrapper: from aroun ’ mble in his waisteoat in the other; then in each of his coat is: | e. | unb his ets, and lastly in the pockets | of his trousers, to see if he can find a :penny-or a halfpenny“*probably wiih dchaicary of chewrvellidicieeuuaitiie d judgment, th e deficiency of observation, pe reason, and j , the total vacuity of mind that alone could admit of so,absurd an. expecta- . tend” labouring a eae ge managing . e commonest affairs, of preserving property, or earning any sub- sistence. Imagine to yourself this old gentleman: taking: himself to pieces before the public in the manner above: detailed; a spectacle to the bystanders! It is what he is asked to do a dozen times every day in the course of his constitutional. This has:taught/him rather to, pity the obtuseness than to blame the depravity of beggars. Heiis Your humble Servant, Szw=x. *,* There is much acuteness in our correspondent’s remarks on. the thoughtless importunity of beggars. They ome to know that, he has subseribed,as much as he ean afford to soup-kitchens, and put all his spare coppers into the poor-box.—Puncu. tion, would render any ‘person t Home tv Rome.—On the usual day forsuch applied to the Eeclesiastical Authorities’of the deal in Spirits. Licence refused. applications; Mn. Home * City for a Licence to

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 23, 1864. we? Ml MI) Ll, aS FLUNKEIANA. I’ a’MOST WORE OUT WITH THEM LEcs 0’ MuTTon anD Lxas 0’ PorK, AND I THINK IT's ’IGH TIME SOME NEW HanrmaL was INWENTED!” John Thomas Gorgeous. “I TELL you wuHaT IT 18, Coox ! With YW} Vi g Uy THE LONGEST JOKE ON RECORD. _ Mr. Fatcorer must be regarded as the most stupendous of modern jokers. He has concocted a Jeu d’ Esprit which it; two hours and a-half to utter. He has written a drama called ight and Morn, the sole purpose of which is to show that solitary confinement for twenty years 1s a piece of experience that may be laughed at! The ignorant world has fancied hitherto, that solitary confinement, even for a year or two, has something horrible about it,—that it tends to turn a bad man into a savage, and a one into an idiot. There have been pkilanthropists who have oe so far even as to denounce it as a prolonged murder,—the mere withering a man to death, by which society indulges in a brutal revenge upon a criminal instead of endea- peewee bring him to some sense of his misconduct.. Whether these views be true or not, it has been pretty generally believed that such a punishment tends at least to numb the faculties, whiten the hair, and rather effectually damp the spirits. Mr. Fatconsr, however, assures us that we are entirely wrong upon the point. He contends that solitary confinement, even for the space of twenty. years, mar Be endured without any damage either to the person or the feelings. hero, a worthy fellow, who been unjustly caged by, an Italian duke, effects his escape from his dungeon without agrey hair on his head or a wrinkle on his brow, and a decided feeling that his long entombment was, after all, a pleasant adventure. from being troubled with the ordinary feelings in such a case—the dulness, sadness, or vindictiveness, that one would think proper to poor humanity—he has uot even a sense of annoyance. He jokes with his gaoler on the eve of his escaping ; he enjoys heartily the wonder of the governor at the disap- arance of his bedding, which he has turned into ‘a rope ladder, and 1e wonders with a ve chuckle, how his family circle, the mice and spiders, will possibly get on without him. He gives us in fact idea of a fast young Ttakan some mediseval round-house, and who on getting free, considers the matter as rather an exciting bit of life. Indeed the case is somewhat stronger. This philosopher regards his punishment as a positively beneficial process. litary confinement for who has been shut up for a night or two in tay even be cOnsidered an enjoyment. However, let us be just to him. , the | twenty years, and endured by the victim of a tyrant, sharpens the enjoyment of fresh air, ‘and the salutary privilege of exercise. It is a temporary retirement which: really invigorates the senses, and has but the one inconvenience, that it forbids the luxury of a barber. fact, de- cording to Mr. Fatconer, there is something cryptical in the nature of a man, and he can only develop properly by being thrust into the dark. Now.we think it will be conceded.that this is rather a new view of the scase, and possibly one that might be submitted with some little advantage’to Parliament. When it next discusses the penal system, in additién ‘to all the usual objections that have been urged to solitary punishment, here is the fresh one furnished by Mr. Fatconsr, that_it He intends the whole affair. as a joke, and its chief originality consists, not merely in its requiring two hours’and a-half for utterance, but in its taking the shape of a drama, which has actually deceived our contempo- raries into the belief of its serious purpose. THE NATIONAL SHAKSPEARE COMMITTEE. In order to complete {the.tecord of certain “proceedings” which have come under the unfavourable notice of the General Committee, it should be stated that a s6-called Report was issued by the Secretaries without the sanction of the Committee. Thatjin one of the paragraphs of this report the following words were used :— “In connection with this list of names, it is impossible not to express the pro- found regret which every one must feel at the sudden removal from among us of a man of genius, about whose form of invitation there was a passing, difference of opinion. His claims to a place in the Committée had been expressed, in a formal vote and in a special invitation. Of his sympathy, and of his co-operation, had he been spared to us, no sort of doubt can be entertained,” The Vote of Censure, which we recorded last week, as. haying been passed by the General Committee in reference to the “ proceedings ” which excluded Mr. THackERay from the list of Vice-Presidents, has been followed up by another vote of the General Committee. The so- called Report containing the above disingenuous passage has been Rejected. City of London, Printers, at Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct Pringes oy William Bradbury, of No. 13, Dee Vobere Place, in the Parish of St. Mowe he the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of 'No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the’ Precinct of —BSarunpay, January 23, 1864. hitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No. 85 Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City

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3 vaNuaRY 30, 1864.]° ~ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. NOTHING LIKE A MECHANICAL TURN (FOR HAIR-BRUSHING). Take A Hint FRoM THE INGENIOUS SWELL, WHO NOT BEING ABLE TO EXIST WITHOUT THIS LUXURY IN THE COUNTRY, IMPROVISED THE ABOVE, TO THE ASTONISHMENT OF THE GRINDER AND OTHERS, THE LONDON AND SUBURBAN IRON AND MUD MINERS’ COMPANY (LIMITED). CAPITAL NOTHING. IN ANY NUMBER OF SHARES OF UNCERTAIN AMOUNT. PROSPECTUS. Tue great difficulty in obtaining a sufficient supply of first-class Scrap Tron for the manufacture of Armour Plates, Soup Kettles, Armstrong Guns, Home Secretaries, and other Marine Stores, has directed the attention of certain members of our Scientific bodies, to the possibility of recovering the large amount of metal deposited by wear and tear of tires of wheels, horse-shoes, &c. in the Mud of the London streets, and now allowed to lie useless. The fact of the existence of a large metallic deposit in London Mud being established, experiments have been made to test the proportions > —_ this deposit exists, and the localities in which it mostly abounds. PRINCIPAL VEINS HITHERTO DISCOVERED. 1. “The Wheal Oxford,” running the whole length of Oxford Street and Holborn from the Marble Arch to the Bank. Good. 2. “The Wheal Crawley” commencing on Cornhi wards through the Houses of Parliam G . This is an immensely deep vein of Mud. 3. “The Wheal Mary Ann,” lodes of considerable richness of which are found to exist on the area-steps of houses in quiet streets, where a rn cook is kept. The richness of this vein is supposed to be attri- utable to the quality of the Iron used in the heels of the Policemen’s boots, and in the ammunition boots issued to Her Majesty’s Foot Guards, being exceedingly good. Other veins of equal value are also noted for experiment, the only failure yet recorded being that of the ““Wheal CressweL,” samples of which obtained from the Divorce Court, proved to be too full of dirt to rnbill, running west- ent, and terminating at the Horse be of any practical use. The Company has for its object the working of these and other veins ; and as the mud is regularly collected by the street scavengers, no regular staff will be required by the Company. It is confidently ex- pected that the most eminent iron-founders in the Metropolis will ' contend for the privilege of smelting the ore thus obtained ; so that no expense to the Company on that score need be apprehended. nder these circumstances the Company wi d from the necessity of raising any Capital, and the profit on its Shares must there- | fore be enormous: a state of things quite unique: in the history of | public undertakings. : | The Promoters being anxious to benefit the mass of mankind rather | than to add to the accumulated wealth of a few, no capitalists or other | wealthy persons need apply; but the Shares of the Company are offered to poor Widows, Clergymen with large families and small means, Elderly Maiden Ladies in reduced circumstances, and others in a like | position. he i = Allotments of Shares upon application by prepaid letter, enclosing Qs. 6d. in postage stamps will be made to all parties eligible. An early application is recommended. A. SWINDELER, London, January 1, 1864. yecretary. The Rock Assurance. Tue Spaniards bellow loudly for Gibraltar ; : *Tis ours, and safe as guns and hearts can make it, ill, with politeness which Spain cannot alter, St r All we reply is, “ Please to come and ¢ake it.” TRULY SWEET. “‘ Wuen I am in pecuniary difficulties,” said a pensive bankrupt, “my garden, my flowers, fresh and sparkling in the morning, console my heart.” ‘ Indeed!” asked his sympathising friend. ‘ t should have thought they would remind you of your trouble, for, like your bills, they are all over dew.” VOL, XLVI. F

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARE [January 30, 1864. | We to. the Lucws the of the Fleet, and ape if length of service can e a man to honours, the aavful i. and terrible ageofSmLuctus ives him claim te be Very ‘ First Lord of the — or anything he pleases kindenough to observe the: —— made by the Hamp- the J Admiral’s father “Sire Lucius isthe elias: son ~~ at the Siege off imation and his. baronetcy in 1794 for his cond#eb’as-Captain of GibQkeen Charlotte, Lonp Hows’s flagship; in he battlosef May 22nd and June 1, 1724” Longevity, it seems, runs mente te lot a brave sailor ‘wait’ exnethy | may remark, too, that it doce teaboeit tetas | a year before he was born. But these Pr eiaaaae are cothing t to oy, of our new Admiral, Isle as described by the Hampshire Chronic “* The present Baronet was born.in 1716, entered the Navy in 1715, and commanded the Magicienne at the Admiral, June 28, 1838; Vice-Admiral, Sept. 15, of Bourbon. He became Captain Jan, 22, 1806 ; Rear-A: Gamer that one can always learn something from worst newspaper. not mean to sa Hampshire Chronicle is the worst, indeed it seems to be} a@ very respecta But we have certainly learned something from the number | which lies-before us. It refers high position of Admiral ek Ee bo flee it was just like to A. ee roundel Tile “!T IS AN ANCIENT MARINER.” 1842; and PiaPey July 9, 1255. He succeeded his father in 1816, having in the previous year beenappointeda C.B.” | | So that this extraordinary Ancient ac, woe had the goodness in the first place to be born | before his father, and in the next place to enter do | the Navy a year before he was born, a noble act of devotion to his country’s service. | But even those achievementss aner as nothing | compared to his rushing backs inctheemost valiant r into ancient history, and nine an Admiral in-the time of Henry Tua: Tarp, then retiring for a few centuries», inte: honourable obscurity; and modestly coming out! again Captain, seon after Lonm Tcecs’edieth, whee | remarkable: sailors-were:mueh wanted. Histories like these make us: indeed: proud:iof our brave and we havecevery: reasem to hope that Sre Locros Curtis~mayyliveste command the Channel Fleet in the year 2864s agree with Mr. | We that hod ble journal. | romotion of Sim} JuRTIS, Baronet, to! THE SQUABBLE ABOUT! THE NILE. Wire Oarrany-Gaanrand GirrapeSreke At oddsislearned Dr. Bax About the Sourees of the Mile. Sure Dr. Bexw’s oppressed with bile. — that sueh heat of bilious. ire Should scientifie minds inspired Let Cocke betinvoked, te cheek The-bdile that-urges BaxE te: At Srexm a. a . a own. a Yor Bexe Which he right into aan did dig; — the latter called him Bree, by that.name did little make aes a reporter’s plain mistake} regarious birds are of one feather : What birds with Bexe should flock together ? Nay, worthy paso not Those- w. tends with « sage. First, as to Govern- Tome bi battles exactl “THE SAME CONCERN.” “ Mr. Home, the eminent Spiritualist, has beem.ordered. to leave Rome in three days.” —Correspondence from Rome. tae! turned - of pirit-conjuror H omen’? What mire crying ft nay, mem could be ? yo Anaahat nk Can’t stand spirits that omg you see ? Wh -ectivdenssnstendion That “two of atende can't agree” my dear Ho ‘o of a can “4 That “two of a trade can’t agree,” ee ae “ There ’s no plaee like Home,” coer But the ditty is certainly wrong For while ’tis set thiok. With im: and Ki There ’s one place like ‘ome, and that’s Reme, my dear Homs, Yes, there ’s one place that’s very like Home. MALICIOUS_INTERFERENCE. Mr, Puncn, I u1Ke to travel i in a first-class railway carriage, with comfortable | arms and cushions, to enjoy the society and the conversation of my | betters, and to grab the newspapers they leave behind them on getting out. But I do not like to pay for these luxuries. Having invented a way of obtaining them, on. the Underground | Railway, at a small price, I have read in the , with ineffable | disgust, a mean letter in which the writer endeavours to get me cheated out of the reward of my invention. I consider the writer to be a very dishonest man. My plan is very simple, like all great plans. I was obliged, for —, to incur the ag of a first-class ticket, but this, once obtained, will answer for all time. as day I travel, I buy a third-class ticket ; but as I go down-stairs to the platform, I put the my pocket, and take out my first-class one, which, of course, I carefully preserve. You have to show tickets to the official at the wicket. show my first-class card. Of course there is no time, or'it does. not occur to him, as I hurry past, to ascertain that it is am old.one—he can -class card into |" | see that it 2s a first-class, and that’s enough. I take my seat in the patrician carriage, and. enjoy myself as aforesaid. I need not soy that as the tickets are taken away at the gate, I there give up my third-class ana and go my way with the smile of virtue leaning on the arm of talent That a writer should seek to take away this cleverly and honestly earned privilege is se monstrous that I cannot trust myself to say more than that I am, Yours very truly, a Doo. A SKETCH IN SCOTLAND. Srvce the immortal meeting of the Brick Lane Temperance Society at. which the Messrs. Weller and the Reverend the ag nag attende (alter hagees elsewhere), and the latter, in npenee to. the Chair- man’s fat smile and invitation to address the ting, seemneta on on the ground that the meeting was drunk, we have seen. nothing so good as this, which we take,from the Duadee Courier :— * On Sunday last, the minister of a large n vin Dundee was interrupted in the course of his forenoon sermon by the r of his Pausing in the midst of his observations, he addressed his Congregation to the fol- lowing efféct:—‘ You go about the streets at the New Year time—you get drunk, and get cold, then you come here and cough, cough like a park of artillery: I think I must give you a vacation of six weeks, that you may have time to. get sober, and to regain your health again.’ This lenitive application did good, for the Congregation sat quiet, and | coughed no more than they would have dared to do, had ee: been i in | presence of the QuzEN, or any other great os instead of being in a mere Church. But one seat-holder, though e held his:seat, could not | hold his tongue, and declared that the eae te ion was insulted. We suspect that the Minister knew best. In faet the incident occurred | anywhere but in Scotland, where every man is proverbially sober, we should have been sure that the Minister knew best. Hurrah, for the teddy of Bonnie Dundee ! mn Jesting out of Place. As: the Eart or D-sy was walking down St. James’s Street with Mr. B-n-s-y D-sr-11 the other evening; the noble Lord remarked to the right honourable gentleman that the days were getting out, when his companion promptly replied, “ I wish the Whigs were

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besa 7 "> "e weeorw were Se Pe ores Janvary 30, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AWA’, WIGS, AWA’! I Say Punch, old boy, do you want luxurious whiskers? does hair get thin atop? Because if so, 1’d recommend you to say not: 4 to avai. but just go quietly to work, and take a leaf from the Frenc fashion-books. See here, this is how Madame la Mode now teaches her fair votaries to make up fer what by Nature may unluckily be wanting to them in the matter.ef himsuteness. The words I quote are poy the [lustrated News, amd refer to what is now the way of hing Syed in Paris: but I ‘edlieve the fashion is invading London also, for we invasions:— are never safe in England from} French fashionable A RATING FOR THE BANK RATERS. Wit the Directors of that Bank of England oblige us so far as to let that Rate of Diseount alone? They really fidget with it ma most unbusiness-like way, and they can have no idea of the trouble they cause. Up one day, down the next, and then up again, until one does not know what todo. It is very trying to have to consider in the Fane. while dressing, whether one ought to send another collar to the wash, or whether, on the chance of the rate of discount going up on Saturday, one ought to tam ithe collar one has worn the day , We know a case in whiéh a t young man has thalke a poc out of ‘the poorer, sat hes about eniffling to that degree that the Parlour . We considerable, whether natural or borrowed, and the | e—rselves haveduaen. cringe Meee for more than a week, instead of “The hair wom is cata bec shld be wry thick. A amount of hair is required to be @ la mode. ys Madam e la . If yon thave not sufficient, purchase some, sa; Mede. Where is not even amuth advan : sent ly re ornament ‘for eee beaxthy ¥ in possessing a fine head of hair ; the Laffitte, soletybeeanse we wished'to set ae gee forethought boys, and for the same reason, wiiile the that ladies sufficiently | played with, ha then a e ye qe have never given gnere a i oleae except when we have smoked fewer than mine é t . Moreover, though the interferenee & ‘Telos , is ld, it a some subtle ‘the iss four rounds with @ bass ‘comfinaher the filigdmen taal an Tmceds ight, because he gave us two-and- in coppers » we mae him half-a-crown en aecount.of his ; i hair I were | black eye into ‘the Bank Parlour, ‘the Dimect that deeraborts Lo all be deemed mi be more-attractive ‘tomy si ‘she had the courage to wear It unadulterated, than if she picked the locks which once adorned another to decorate herself. First catch your hair by nature, Miss, and then dress a yy ples, provided you don’t a to it. we is not a own. But if you { yourse wearing faur cheveur, hope that nobody will ever mistake you for a em As a gentleman, of course, I can’t bear being rude—especially to ladies. But if I were introduced to a partner in.a ball-room, and had any thoughts of asking her to, be my“partner for life, I should take care by some means, before I popped the question to pull down her back hair that I might see if it were home-grown or of foreign importation. If bachelors in general were to act upon this plan,;*just fancy what dis- coveries might be made-at evening parties, and what a‘sweeping up of curls there would be the morning afterw. ! I don’t know who the fellow was of whom it is recorded that— “ Beauty draws him with a single hair.” But I have not such’faith myself in mere capillary attractiveness, and I don’t think any lock of hair will ever me into wedlock. Still I am “free to confess” (as I shallsay when I’m in Parliament) that I think a hirsute head looks better than a bald one, and, if I ever lose my own so far as to get , Lshall account it so much gain if, as my own hair ’s getting thin, my wife’s should be so thick as to make up for my | ; deficien siepehed. cy. But then hers’must be genuime, and in no way adulterated ; for I ‘hate to see young ladies giving themselves hairs ‘that by nature don’t belong to them, and a’girl who wears a wig shall never dn my wigwam. With which determination I cry, Down with borrowed tresses! # das rete — and remain, my dear! Pwxch, yours in all serenity while single), Cuantzy ‘Caums. More -Gonfusion. Tuis telegram is not “ reliable: ”— “Washington telegrams report that the Confederates are retreating fi th neighbourhood of Petersburg.” seek: We thought that it was the Federals:who had thrown themselves into the arms of Russia for protection and patronage. Have the Con- federates been trying’ the same game, and been repulsed. Bother the ‘Bucmer says, in a way ‘that will make the Sunday There 3s nothing more wicked than i and we shall look into the Parlour ourselves, and as Igerector ‘Direotors look nine ways for - Saal teeline ekg het, Praises so empty, though so big they look, And, with our Stage un; of thy conceiving, Own onrselves arrant humbugs, self-deceiving : Meanwhile do thou in quiet Stratford lie, Heedless of all this buzzing of small fry ! LAW OF DIVORCE. Srr,—A “Barrister” who lately wrote to the Zimes, in order to draw public attention to the existing anomalies in the Law of Divorce, omitted all mention of one of its most glaring absurdities. to state a case in point. Mr, A.runs away with Mrs. B., very good, I mean of course very bad; Mas. A. sues for a Divorce from Mr. A., and obtains an order for 7 pee lite. Mn. A. objects to pay this amount for the sup of his wife, whereapon the Judge “ orders an attachment to issue.” ‘Now, Sir, if it be, as it certainly is, in the power of the Ju i to order Mr. A.’s attachment to Issue, why should he not be able a i . to-erder Mr. A.’s attachment thoug telegrams, they are more trouble to us than.all our money. to Wife? ILremain, Sir, yours vy, A Revistne Barrister.

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Ni PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 30, 1864. vy ] ll f nee: a Li fy MMi CRITLLLL TTF] SS SS oa ~~ —— THE JUVENILE PARTY.—A GREAT LIBERTY. Juvenile. “Mamma, DEaR! Do rou KNOW THaT GENTLEMAN TICKLED ME WITHOUT BEING INTRODUCED!” NOT A BAD IDEA OF KING WILLIAM. Says the King to the Kaiser, I think ’twould be wiser, Since soldiers are stronger than sermons, To leave off entreating, And take to brow-beating Our large batch of small (cousin) Germans, With the bit in their muzzle O’er this vexed Duchy puzzle, So long and so loudly they ’ve wrangled, That Europe feels gravelled, How a skein so sore ravelled Is e’er to be got disentangled. pafameny fumbled, Fell og = 7 doy: seomy defi the knot all its pains keeps defying : So at last to save co They ’ve snatched up the sabre To cut it, instead of untying. Now though swords, my dear Kaiser, Drawn with sense for adviser) ay lead to short-cuts out of trouble, Still a blade in its swing Is a dangerous thing, And its edges are apt to cut double. So, as you, Coz, and I, Must have hands in the pie, ° And the pear of delay gets no riper. Leave small Germans the vonae, And We’ll take the sword-play, As ’tis We must, at last, pay the piper. Our schlagers we ’il flourish, And Vaterland nourish With the froth and the wind she delights in; But we ’ll take deuc’d good care, Though the sword may be bare, Tts polish shan’t suffer true fights in. If Bismarck-ScHONHAUSEN, My Prussia can cozen, -_ Surely, we, King and Kaiser together, All Deutschland can gammon, Its will clap a dam on, And conjure this storm to fair weather. REALLY NECESSARY LINES. ° Tue following are amongst the Railway schemes for which application might as well be made by various Companies to obtain the sanction of Parliament :— The General Exhibition Railway, from Mapame Tvssavn’s to the Tower, with branches to St. Paul’s, Westminster anne, the Houses of Parliament, the other principal public buildings, the theatres, and all places of public amusement. A Railway from Wine Office Court, Fleet Street, to the Temple, and the different Inns of Court, to be called the Cheshire Cheese Railway. A line from Bartlett’s Buildings, Holborn, to Hatton Garden. A line extending from the Royal Exchange, Cornhill, to the Bank. The Monument and London Bri ge Junction Railway. A line connecting London Stone with Aldgate Pump. A New Game.—The pleasantest game of forfeits is that at present played at the Adelphi theatre, where Miss Bateman “cries” to you, a you forfeit all claim to, intelligence if you don’t “ guess” that she is the finest artist that ever came from America.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvary 30, 1864, f oH ATHE SNOOkS JONES sp SHAKSPEARE AND THE Ty TOMK) WH’ | PIGMIES.

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Jaxuarr 30, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THH LONDON CHARIVARI.

BALLOGNING EXTRAORDINARY. ' Ailatter from Mussrs. Coxwzl anp GLAISHER’S aéronaxtical Dog, Duan. Tony, Bow’ow are you? Bow. w’owd’yedo ?* When this, letter. comes pond youll rather wonder what.I’ve got to bark about, hee | I’m to astonish you, rather. I’ve got sucha.tale! Ah! ’twill. make hair stand on. end. “like.squills, w sue. Go. Satie See, s your at says. Lknow. all ge gi ge SHAKSPEARE, ’t he 0 eS Tene sa it of the: wag—eh ? = cpap ened Be Papen ncogpioe gi Fg ps bags tnt on covien intentioned. pavement. where. our..old Oh! don't I wish. 1 I had three: heads! and. three mouths! ery i eat! None of your.1 minstrel amusements .of. playing. with immortalise our race? P’raps ‘ow still, (tho’ it wouiiers be ‘ Ww, wow, wow!) w Brae. 34 a eed ted Wn dae m ve: pill ga 2 aoa toed Setteiecnll Valine. hamek, : took a Dog and three: rabbits, cy nd ood eee thon he pa ; @toude,and the effects of low temp Fives Thee Bass have-seen the tae fe ap at em, 0 {wanted to of fe it moment of starting Tlike to he Lig wees th Jee Ps once nal a t to em. XWELL shoulda Ghassan the aay conduct cose entirely out Jealousy, uncharitableness, cet Sie Prony Sa rab! She with onion-sauce in. the “hee Le en ne ee ee oe the bones: as you are aware, and when the Balloon | ¥™ 000 feet Filton Vibcetti tamhaamet bare heen, 0a. Conan "by ists watch, I geet oy the same 1 kicked m Ttried to bite Gamal 's calf, but couldn’t comfortably. at thor t I saw the moon, and howled. oa. him!” says reap “ye kindly. bold, man, but he is also a wise one, wt amr “ No,” says he, “ Let dogs delight to bark. and bite, And scratch and tear and Howl, Let bears and lions dance and fight > is But fon? t let that dog growl says CoxwEul, finishing the verse

GLAISHER’S a bunnies. the:sea.. ‘ “Aha!” says:(COXWELL, not too lofty; ‘ Caste asbthe started up ab this, and whined, small collee- moe fee ell after-the sly puss all ee suggest this to m oe again. Coxwett. But casuay pretend he couldn’t see me, ond didn’t lift his heel against, me. en suddenly the full meaning of the joke blazed upon me. “ Fresh H’air!”* Oh, Coxwat, says who ought to be kicked now ? We landed at a bag = ns T don’t mean the Master in Lunacy, with whom you are, doubtless,” ted, but an open place where the rabbits do ae co . CoxwELt and GLAISHER were hospitably entertain his cook, who sho possible attention; though I regret to state that the cage cat siaowiink disturbed the harmony of the evening. GLAISHER wants me to go with him to see the Dog Star. I won't’ go if that CoxwetL’s to ES of the party. What do you think were the last words he uttered on that aroma e evening ? ane night,” says Guaisner, taking his ber candle, CoxwELL,. yawning. Tote rot od me eT couldn't he help yawning too ; something between a | yelp anda howl, call it a yowl. Kick that dog! ” says CoxWELL, going into his room. He didn’t to myself, ce aap we ih: Chiseiak ait icon ‘ offhand. 4h. 9m. it was so dark that I couldn’t see the rabbits. I scented | though, the: tw | their laughing oes, ws would b = bang “ Kiek that: dog 1” says |

| persons at his seat—and.i w decisive and my personal thatten suk on | tod dare do it himself, GuaisHmr and meet I looked-ab and heat me Saerabthamets toe moving a ed ee. growled. The next thing I saw was GLAIsHER’s heels as he disappeared within his own bed-chamber. Adieu, dear Toby. I remain, yours truly, Toe Scr Teper.

ADVICE TO FEDERAL AMERICA, You've now got a na tom, Awd to man it rome tiniaan But you haven’t yet taken And your The Eagle won’t frighten the Liens Whilst a Szxees can sweep your-seass. You Yankees, whose sires left-ourdathenss. brothers forsake you to-day, , Your: = —T overgrown Union Lat those th tha ay Toei its-aghes, Freda before Shake! vaio And trade with ag me Bunn.at And where in the wide world’s the nation» That you’ll harm. with your Iron Ducks ?” You.cam scaree hold your =om oe meanendipay bouts With your J “* : role ow Eat, Gin ear - the < a And Commerce. por mgs re THE. FIBER, AGALN., ANOTHER victims has been sacrificed to the-grimning: Moloch: Anoth + has been- burned. to to- make - some wprotected gas lights

Pantomime, and she has since was stated that the means of oie rd nadie pa ready-at’ hand, has been co the shall of course read. more a! puff t; cnt: andtiow aetl nothing. could exceed. the kindness of its inquiries, he e like. Bat, why se Seer Baron protected; or if that cannot gp a hat sort: eh is it not to re a theatrical picture ( e will icone et = for being pet 2 a stage-manager sible. Soe ee sid’ the he factory people, w 3 their machine eta prevent children torn to pieces; but the cmap ay Bow found it easy enough when ME deencen heavy fine the evidence was to be giver by no of the cotailielinent. but 7 a pets ce same kind, enacted in reference Bnctish oft-reeurring burnt sacrifices ; reengn wo bag Eo Boat ys eTmess .Teb aos s n. the seene is the most the chance is greatest that a i announce that some one else? s child is in the of buraing, If some remedial measures are taken; poor will not have died entirely in vain. We may say, with almost: literal justification, Peace to her-as

FASHIONABLE Paper Tue Viscount Dunpreary, G.C.B. (Grand. Card for pen) me is entertaining a lange. einele of na nobility and other ay in their seats—in the Market.of Hay. ral tues have taken. place, and the noble Viscount has. been very. fortu- nate with. his. piece, and frequently brought down the whole house. Theatricals are — provided for the auausement of the. guests, and the favourite play, Our Americam Cousin, is being. nisesly performed to the immense delight of the brilliant soamhleg, believe that anaddition I ee in the person of the noble Viseount’s | brother, the Hon. Samus, Duwpaear¥, who;lias been: for some time on his travels, of which we understand his account is much coveted by the Row—all the rows in fact. We venture to predict that it will be a : ng wiih every fellah will be able to ,understand.—Punch's Court Ou.

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48 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 30, 1864, NOTICES FOR THE COMING SESSION. ETROPOLITAN Members of the Imperial Parliament ve already given the following Notices of Motion, and Mr. Punch cordially hopes that wer one of the subjects will be not merely pressed, but rammed right home into the waistcoat of the Minister concerned, or unconcerned :— _ To call attention to the disgraceful manner in which London has been blockaded for months and months by the emissaries of Mz. THwairss, to the inj of trade, the hindrance of traffic, and the great expendi- ture of bad y the. drivers of and riders in vehicles, and to move that Mr. ‘aires be ordered to keep the said emissaries at work night and day until his sewers shall be finished. To move that the law-officers of the Crown be required to prosecute | oe ome of — and A, - who drive Le oe i. rt and everyt , as a. cet y of the votaries 0! lJ ut than of a civilised metropolis. Y \\ | © call attention to the insufficient provision made for the houseless | be | poor,.especially children, and to invite the House to a resolution that volt gacen which have disgraced themselves by turning away unfor- t persons, aug Se winter months, be disfran , until ample accommodation shall ve been provided. To move for leave to bring in a Bill enacting THaT THE GRINDING AN ORGAN IN ANY STREET WHERE THE HOUSES ARE RATED AT MORE THAN £10 Is A FELONY, AND PUNISHABLE AS SUCH; THIS ENACT- | MENT BEING INTENDED TO LEAVE THE HUMBLER CLASSES IN | POSSESSION OF THEIR MUSIC, WHILE THOSE WHO CAN PROCURE BETTER SHALL NOT BE TORTURED BY THE ABOMINABLE NUISANCE AT PRESENT PREVALENT. Si | To move that no Sermon in any Church, Come, or other similar | edifice shall last more than twenty minutes, and that any Minister offending against this rule shall be severely rebuked by the Ordinary, and compelled to dine at an o , or slap-bang, until he shall have done penance in a sheet of JEREMY TayLor. To move that any Pew-Opener, Box-keeper, Stall-keeper, Cloak- keeper, or other servant who takes a fee for doing a duty that should be performed without one, shall be liable to the penalties of the law against obtaining money under pretences. To call the attention of the House to the fact that the system of cheating the poor by means of false weights and measures is y on the increase ; that though the Magistrates are incessantly fining batches of rascals who rob in this way, they boast that such fines are made up by another week of cheating ; and that exposure, unless it were in the pillory, has no terror for these mean thieves. To call the attention of the House to the invasion of London menaced by the Railway schemers, and to move to_refer the whole question to a paid and permanent Committee out of the House, composed of architects m whom the public has confidence, and who shall be chosen by the votes of the occupiers of res ble houses. To call the attention of the House to the National Shakspeare Committee, and to move a resolution that the same, while it survives, be placed under the surveillance of the medical officers who attend the Asylum for Idiots and that at Hanwell.; Tur New Gun.—The “ Infant Prince,” the six-pounder. POLITICAL PLUCK. _A Great Mill has been a standing symbol of passive prowess ever since Don Qurxote first made his appearance on those . bis only recently, however, that a great Mill—such for instance as that between South Mims and Wooton Bassett—has engrossed any large amount of public attention ; until the wind set in from a certain influen- tial quarter, nobody worth notice had any conception of the fancy which paints a Mull all couleur de rose. Our present intention is not to tilt at the Mill, but simply to point out one conspicuous cause which may partly aceount for its sudden elevation. ‘Undoubtedly so long as Britons never—never will be slaves, there will always be a market for muscles. The transactions, however, in that market will to some extent depend upon competition in other markets. OP cay egret rush rly to see the Miller and his Men, represented by barn-storming strollers, it is because the company at the Theatre Royal St. Stephens are so addicted to srs, that they have made a perfect farce of the once popular play, the School of Reform. We want political pluck as an antidote to Kinglike er. Let our parliamentary Athletes instead of spending so much time in tossing for choice of corners, and in tying their colours to the stakes, set to work in earnest. Jack Russex1, though he hasn’t much left of the chicken about him, requires no training to improve his condition, and will not want supporters if he shows as much bottom now, as he in the famous year when he knocked Old Sarum out of time. Since then he has had ample opportunity for adding to his science and mererne his delivery. Pam again is still a judicious bottle-holder, and will cheerfully lend a leg, we are assured, to any young man from the country who, in sporting lingo, means business. As for Brieut, the Birmingham Slasher, though he has metal in him, we fear from recent ebullitions of temper, that he can’t take punishment, and as, like CopBy he excels chiefly in a those who adasire the noble art of natio: self-defence have very little expectation of seeing him the champion of pgland. We sincerely regret that they are not equally distrustful with reference to America. Dick Logic alias Copsy has, we freely admit, done some clever bruising on the Corn m1 His present Lancashire up and down style of fighting, however, and his vicious practice of gouging his oppo- nent, are not at all creditable to the sphere in which he lives and moves. The only sphere, in fact, to which such tactics are suited is the Dog Star (his natal planet, as we learn from ZapxreL) by whose influ- ence his reputation as an ugly customer is mainly kept alive. There is some talk among the flunkeys at the Carlton of Ben THE Darky, whose career me m a ch ee one (he vas heap ae many years ago against Guapstong, the flowery Chancellor, and for- feited) coming forward again as a candidate for the belt. Ben, it will remembered, is an ex-waiter at the Queen’s Head. Though not remarkable for science, he lately won golden opinions by his civility and good conduct. The Danrxy’s friends are very anxious to get up a benefit for Dersy’s pet Pug, which (if it ever should come off) will no doubt be of service to him and them too, considering how long they have all been out of place. TOASTS BUTTERED 4 L’IRLANDAISE. (To be handed round at all Irish Convivial Meetings.) Ped the wing of Friendship ne’er want a friend, or a bottle to give May our endeavours to please always bear the morning’s reflection! Let us persistently keep our eyes shut, but our mouths open ! May we ne’er be at a loss for a bottle, or a head, to crack ! : Here’s to a cloudy wind and southerly sky, and all absent friends who do good by stealth, and do not blush to speak of a man as they find him, and, not forgetting the brave pilot who has weathered the storm, nor the sweet little cherub that sits up aloft, may the present moment, Gentlemen, be the worst of our lives! ‘* As He has Made His Bed.”’ ** Unzasy lies ””—so SHAKSPEARE wrote, " “The head that wears a crown ;” But more than average mal-aise Makes Prussia’s monarch frown, Who finds Ais bed stuffed full of thorns, In shape of Hider-down. ** OFF, STANLEY, OFF!” We have the utmost admiration for Dean Stantzy. But sometimes he goes a little too far. He stated in a recent lecture that “ the world pong not now show a Soromon.” ‘The Dean’s library must_be tting out of order—shall we send up a young man to complete Dr. TANLEY’S set of Punch ?

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Janvary 30, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 49

A MATTER OF FACT VERDICT. RAILWAY AGGRESSION ON LONDON. BCENTEY a somewhat extra-| Every Englishman’s house is his Castle, is it ?} Then— ee Yi pet wus ro- pont drewbridge, groome ; what, warders hot ncaa o rion om Let the portcullis fall” eli by a coroner’s| Or, what should come to the same thing, “Many, bar the door, and j touching the cause of | Jomn go up-stairs with the blunderbuss, ready to fire out of window on Teath im a ease wherein a the emissaries of the Railway Company, if they attempt to break into hey aecidentally hanged | the age opal What, if we shoot a set of caitiffs in defence of our own himself till he wee dani, in | castle, shall we be liable to be hanged? Go to. eonsequenee of having been| There may have been a time when the house of every Englishman induced, by some stories, was so secured by the law of against all invasion as to be a ——2 whieh he had heard, to try | building really equivalent to and deserving the name of a fortress ; —————— how he eould hang though there is reason to doubt whether the old saying which {so calls without — iit was not — hat of fe aoe = a agg yy made 4 pi ; 2 |Coxe upon Lyrrrieton, and meant to be jocose. Now, at any rate, Se laughed heute | when a society of speculative adventurers, pursuing a age ry of the boy not being able | under the pretence of the public advantage, has acq the right to a the rope; | buy our lands and tenements up on its own terms, and pay us at its ———— would try the | OWn time, in the mean time turning us out unceremoniously neck and himself. He did so, | crop, to say that every Englishman’s house is his castle, is to utter a The jury took | most bitterand cutting sarcasm at the mse of every man in England Secaiiescndedy.” | — articularly of every one who has fallen a victim to the legalised : | burglary of the Railway Companies. 4 ; ; certainly was nenaed, | Are there no means of averting the imminent destruction of the} little md the iy vers doubtless | beauty whieh our cogpal possesses, and the injury, both in comfort and this view of in business, with which its inhabitamts are threatened by the various Only this view of | gangs that, under the name of Raitne, Companies, are about to apply

FF HF the fe i case was one which it to Parliament for that private legi which will constitute them impossible for anybody | legalised housebreakers? There is a®very obvious one, and the only come from behind wonder is that it has been neglected. Why do not all the householders their counters, to tell us that. The above verdict might | in every district of London or the suburbs now in danger of devastation naturally be imputed to its reporter ; coroner's juries are apt or disturbance by agg Railway, at once get up a petition and to make such fools of t we cannot be sure that this present it to the Ho i one did not really return the bo simple verdict above recorded. proposed scheme? ‘Let them lose me time in taking at least that Should they ever sit upon the y of a person whose throat has | precaution for the protection of their property, and the preservation of been cut, perhaps they will content themselves with taking this view of | the quiet and repose of their nei; iboushood. Of course they will be the case. ed to be willing subjects of the outrage with which they are menaced, if they don’t cry out. 3: Fancy a railroad cut through Kensington Gardens! We havefancied THE UNIVERSITY OF BEER. |it as the utmost conceivable atrocity of sordid Vandalism. But the How not to do it is what we are so accustomed to instances of, that | abomination is actually contemplated. The horse-ride which the eques- whenever we meet with an example of how to do it, we rejoice in calling trian orders wanted to establish there would be preferable to such an attention to that extreme rarity. It is, then, with the greatest pleasure eyesore, and earsore too, as the Iron Road among the flowers, and the that we present the public in penne and the United Kingdom Alliance | engine-scream and whistle mingling with the song of the thrushes and lee not to take. It did not require a E i Fs

in particular, with the edifying item of current information which | blackbirds—if it didn’t drive them away. Such a desecration is impos- follows :— = = are ao. - at =m hog “genes: is likely ennngato Ls er ao : ° . en the wretches who me it wo certainly perpetrate it. Pt, SF Pi Vo ee die -—s pmeneys FL Yo for them, they would not hesitate to make a railway in the Garden $000,008, (000 000) Hils beir-is his only eon, a boy of fourteen. The boy. after of Eden. i 8 go for three yeare to Engian ARCLAY AND FERKINSS | Tt was all very well to run a line through the broad lands ot a bloated — ee ee ee ee ces Se ge aristocrat, and break the deep silence of his ancestral hall by sending a The cause of both sobriety and exhilaration is promoted by whatever | sah, eel tis eam Ag gh age ray wig and — eyed a rapes pom of good ~~ Most of that drunkenness, searing the birds from his rookery. But when the lovelting agency of wit he sna 5 ond spenianenes ecline officious agitators are t the dumpy level is brought to bear on. the homes and shops and ware- to interfere by what they call a “Permissive Law,” arises from indul-| houses of the middle classes, we then feel that Railway aggression is an. erga in *y gen. oa, bes oy it were ‘ would ere and | insufferable nuisance. he a aia eee on on uperance. yy.) | Petition, therefore, petition, petition, petition! And be quick about little bad. beer is sufficient to cause drunkenness and incapabilit lit unless you want your business broken up, your abodes demolished, a - ‘ — art, and eps pe cy high r vegas — ad t ae hearths profaned, and all your household gods shivered round 7c. uor can only ased On a sound and special education. e esta-| Vf : ‘ blishment of Mzssrs. BaRcLAY AND PERKINS may be regarded as a sort | y the confederate money-grubbers who are now exerting all their College, to which the ians of the youthful heir of Hzax Draven | S2°Tsies - obtain permission to inflict these injuries on you by Act of have done well and wise Ana send that young gentleman for the com- | lament. _—- of his studies. her with the other large brewing-firms of ndon it constitutes a University of Beer, in which the successor to “ BABY’S’ NAME.” the house of Dreyer will doubtless take high honours, besides the little ; and great go to be encountered in the distillery line. It may be that| Te Honourable Mr. Dutton, M_P., in a speech at Portsmouth, the fre will also pass through a short course of reading at Remps: and if| other day, made a yrotty aliasing to the New Baby, but said that “he also at Mrvux’s, tant mieux, with a view to the degree of double stout.| could not name him, use he had ey so suddenly that, his We wish every British Brewer who wishes his son to succeed him, | name was not yet ready for him.” Mr. M. F. Turrgr, who has been would send the young man to finish his education at the University of | loyally prompt with his tribute upon the occasion, has thoughtfully pro- Beer. vided for this want. The Laureate of Albury, in his new poem, calls the Princess oF WaLES:— , More Shakspearianity. “Thetis of our Northern Water.” unto ye <j ? With poetic reticence, he does not precisely propose ‘a name for the WE are bappy to state that the following gentlemen have given their! Hope of England, but if our—Lempriére—serves us rightly, the son consent to have their names added to the National Shakspeare Com-| of Thetis was called Achilles. There’s a splendid name! PRincz mittee :— Proressorn Hotzoway, Messrs. Moses anp Soy, Mr. Mires | Acuities or Eneianp. And it would be a delicate compliment to the (sixteen shilling trousers), Mr. Crosz, the Poet, Cartain ATcHERLBY, | Princess’s brother, Gzorce or Greece. In favour of this name, Rev. Dr. Cumminc, Mr. Cox, M.P., the Viscount Wuittams, Mr. Mr. Punch withdraws his own claim to name the infant, as he did with Jacky SANpERs, and the e of the Burlington Arcade. |even greater promptness than Mr. TuPrEr.

uses both of Lords and Commons t the |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [JanuaRY¥ 30, 1864, Short.sighted Captain of Company to Dirty Private. “ Your Betts arRE aLwAys Dirty, Sm, waaT tHE D—crE DO YOU MEAN BY rr, Sir!” Dirty Private. “ Pussx, Str, I THINK IT RATHER HARD FOR ME TO CLEAN ANYTHING WITH MY NAKED H’EYE, AND HAVE THEM INSPECTED THROUGH A MaGniryine. Giass.” A LADY ON SCHLESWIG-HOLSTEIN. Dear Mr. Punca Tuesday. Or course, like suergeedy else, loving and admiring our. darling Parncess or Waxss, I felt shocked and hurt at the wicked attempt to take away her father’s duchies. I do not pretend to understand the question, not being’a strong-minded woman, but I should not like any body to come and deprive me of a large piece of my garden, though a horrible railway threatens to do so, and my husband, who has no more for flowers than a blind man, is quite delighted at the idea of compensation, as if a few hum junds could compensate me for the taking away my beautiful little beds which I have laid out so carefully, and watered so ly that Ihave caught at least twenty colds, one on the top of another. But men are so inconsistent. But I was going to say that I read in the Zimes that the Duke with the long name, Augustus like, is one of the most splendidly handsome men in the world, tremendously tall, with a most princelike air, and a little ess, poor dear fellow, arising from his early misfortunes, at which the Emprror (whom you may call handsome if you like, but I won’t and shan’t) made such unfeeling fun in that letter which you had no business to print. Now you must see that it is impossible, for a age al e all events, to feel animosity against a noble-looking creature e that. What I want you to do is, to use your influence to thin pleasantly. I do not know whether this magnificent Prince, whom it's a shame to call Pretender (and you might say Chevalier at least), is married or not. Perhaps it could be arranged for his wife,if he has one, to retire in some way, on a morganatic pension, don’t they call it P—you know. Then he might marry some Princess of Denmark, and rule over the Duchies as dear Lorp Caruisxz does over Ireland. I am sure-this is practical, though you men never allow that women can suggest any- thing. Becausé itis not to be endured that Lory Russgtz (whom I dare say you will calla beauty, it would be just like you) showld be allowed to persecute that beautiful Duke. Please give your mind to the subject, and oblige, Your sincere admirer, Gloucester Crescent. Rosa Matiipa Spoons. THE NATIONAL SHAKSPEARE COMMITTEE, De mortuis nil nisi Verum. The National- Shakspeare Committee, if not actually dead, is ix articulo, and the articleis in the last Atheneum, the organ of the dominant executive. 'The Memorial absurdity is at an end, or, as its originators say “ may be left to time.” This result was a certainty, after the statement which the seceding members ofthe Committee submitted to the public, after the Zémes had delivered a crushing condemnation of the scheme, and presented a pleasant physio- logical sketch of “animaleules,” and after the Daily News, Telegraph, } and other journals had expressed either pity or contem: t for the con- dition of the Committee. The leading journal of Scotland observes :— ‘The London Committee has split up ; all its best members having seceded from it; and the rump is far too weak to wriggle itself into public favour even to the amount of £30,000."—Scotsman. But it is well to die decently, and not with untruths in one’s mouth. The Atheneum cannot disband its men without falsely charging ‘the seceders with having retired because a. plan of their own was not adopted, such plan having in fact been merely a suggestion. of three out of the retiring pa and having been formally declared by them to be only a suggestion, to be considered at a future time. And the Atheneum offers a long list of names which it pretends are those of the executive, } the fact beg that they are names of distinguished persons, scarcely one of whom has ever taken the ore part in the proceedings, or set his foot in the committee room. That, it will be seen, can by no possi- bility be a description of the executive that has ruined the scheme. It is enough to record these two mis-statements, and to wish the moribund clique a better frame of mind. ENSINGTON.—WANTED, in the neighbourhood of this delightful suburb, a few good, civil, honest and obliging tradesmen, who are, not above attending to a customer, and are generally capable of minding theirown business. The present tradespeople in this district being either millionnaires or ‘muffs, the inhabitants are hardly so 4 served as they would wish to be ; and, as they are charged the best of prices forthe articles they purchase, they think they ought by. [ rights to have the best of goods supplied to them. Further particulars as to the.[ sort of shops required may be obtained at any dinner-table between Hammersmith | | and Knightsbridge any evening in the week. Printed by William Bradb: City of London, en 4. Office in Lo of London.—Sarvuapar, January 30, pe — , of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in their treet, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City the’ Precinct of

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Fapruary 6, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Yn tb f WOR a) | | | RAILWAY GRIEVANCE. | DREADFUL OLD FEMALE, WHO, ALTHOUGH SHE WOULD BF HORRIFIED AT THE| IDEA OF A CIGAR IN A CARRIAGE, SOLACES HERSELF BY CONSUMING NO END OF | PEPPERMINT LOZENGES DURING HER JOURNEY. THE SHAKSPEARE INCAPABLES. We don’t particularly care to kick a man when he is down, or a committee either: and as the “Shakspeare National Committee” is down to zero nearly in the national estimation, we have no great willingness to lift a pen against it. Else we might remind its members that the utter want of confidence wherewith their acts are now regarded is an entirely natural consequence of their prepos- terous misdeeds. A committee that commences with cliqueism and cabals, and then proceeds to speechify and squabble about “forms of invitation,” instead of properly attending to the work that is required of it, can never gain the con- fidence of people, nor their cheques. | The Committee talk of raising the pleasant little sum of thirty thousand pounds, to build some sort of monument, they have no notion what. We may wish that they may get it, but we rather think they won’t, unless indeed they fork it out of their own pockets. SHAKSPEARE needs no statue, all the world will say: and even if he did, the Shakspeare National Committee are not fit to be trusted with the business of erecting it. So if the Committee still persist in their delusion’ that a monument is wanted, the chances are, we think, that they themselves unhelped | will have to find the money for it. This being so, they will no doubt feel ‘grateful for a hint as to a way by which their resources might be aided: and since there is some talk of having “ Shaks- peare performances” for the benefit of the Fund, we would in all humility suggest to the Committee that they might get a little money by going about the country, and appearing in the parts which they have lately been assuming. The Farce of a Committee Mocking, if presented in the manner they have recently been acting it, would be a splendid comic novelty, and, if its squabbles and absurdities were acted to the life, it would be certain to amuse. A sort of Shadow Pantomime might also be performed, to show the shadowy conceptions entertained by the Committee of their duty to the nation, whose name they have assumed without asking for permission, so far as we can learn. Were a Pantomime produced, we think that one of the old women who sit on the Committee might be readily selected to take the pet of Columbine: and there need surely be small labour in sey for a Clown, when so many of the Committee have been known to play e fool. TIDDY PRATT. (Song for a Friendly Society.) Tuns—“‘ Billy Taylor.” Tippy Prarrt is a supreme Odd Fellow, And Forester as well as that, Drink, before you go to bed mellow, Health and wealth to Trippy Pratt, Tiddy, iddy, &c. Self-created by a resolution Which no authority can forbid, Yet we shouldn’t have a legal constitution, If we hadn’t the 2 of our good friend Tripp. Tiddy, iddy, &c. Previous to incorporation There must be a scrutiny, * Of the scheme that asks formation, Under Tippy’s watchful eye. Tiddy, iddy, &c. To be licensed and permitted By the Government and State We must be confirmed and fitte With Tippy Pratt’s certificate. Tiddy, iddy, &c. All our rules and laws inspected Duly must by Tippy be, That the brotherhood projected Is a legal club, to see. Tiddy, iddy, &c. This is no unlawful meeting To assemble and carouse ; Drinking, noways less than eating, | Is what Tippy Pratt allows. Tiddy, iddy, &c. Tippy Pratt can put no muzzle On our mouths against good cheer, Trippy can’t deny us guzzle, He can’t stint us of our beer. Tiddy, iddy, &c. Never mind how much in liquor What we ought to save is spent ; Toss your pots off all the quicker ; Tis what Tippy can’t prevent. Tiddy, iddy, &c. OLD ABE’S PENULTIMATE. A TreteGcRam from Yankee Land has doubtless gratified the Anti-Slavery Society with the information that :— “ Four negroes called at the Executive mansion on New Year's day, and were presented to Mr. Lrncotn. Thisis the first occur- rence of the kind in American history.” | But when these negroes were presented to ABRATIAM he probably said to the gentleman at whose hands _lic received them :—‘‘ Thank you for nothing. What am I to do with these Africans? I reckon I had already more on my hands than I knew how to dispose of. So, if you want really to obligate me, take back your gift.” TYPOGRAPHICAL SECRETS. A Mapame pe Pavta, who keeps some kind of a | Servant’s Office, whereof divers complaints have lately been made, complains, herself, that one of the journals | would not say anything in her favour, although ‘many ladies and several clergymen” wrote on her behalf. We | know nothing of the merits of the case, but would respect- fully hint that the complainant has not indicated exactly the correspondents ,whose letters invariably tend to con- | vince those hard-natured creatures called Editors. We | prefer to be addressed by masculine laymen, because we can kick them, morally, if they offend us, and because they do not want an unlimited supply of Jéalics and | Smatt Capitats. * VOL. XLVI.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesrvary 6, 1864.

“DOMESTIC DEMONS. THE ill 1 If TLRcn NE Sy ii xpleit | of Dr. Faustus; and all this without getting: themselves sent to — unless ma should } for example, to murder a baby in order to use some of it instheir happen, Nob body possessing a rati can be conceived ca =, are saidbto be ai a of the modern Jeamzs as that of Mephis- opheles, His su bosdinaie.. demons—who, we artial.revival of ‘How ?—would-fitin: i. ili ~ partial. reviv of super | assume — no in turning — aca tae cee poemeesirates 8 a the Inst half of the: nineteenth | those if ae to to’ sj pte its i," century” may ~ suggest} Consider the comfort fa ted upon-b to minds-not constitu-/servants-up>to their ate: in content -with tionally incredulous | their wages; capable of executing all our com- thé. question whether, mands, and even anticipatingyour wishes, whilst aftereall, there wasnot | they would have no followers+such asawould some- foundation» for | | give yowany trouble. Of course they wouldvbe the belief which our | honestand respectful accordimg: to théirebénd. ancestors” entertained | Oh! if it-were Possible to beavaited on=byysuch in witeheraft. There | familiarspirits !

” thingssamon, the “form 0 les, an ieee | manifestations.’ Spi- ritualism” ands neero<+ mancy-are convertible¢ terms. If necromanoyy [4 9 ‘T'funk ‘Line-only intendeiddor luggage? is* possible m: = Inthe Londony OhathanvanddDBver extension ‘sorcery'be? T of reasoning may vena Wl the Maix Line -be-over thadae’ | | | } ' { Hints to Ofinircmen.: Tae folldwmg area fewusefulquestionsto be to the -witiessessin-RailarayyOases byyany of a Committee:—~ “ec

A-SONG FOR SCHLESWEGHHOLSTEIN. ie bac: y could I beewahiHider, i Dement allowed:her own: va r Bat bee rere what illimaybétide ad She ’Il ‘ne’er " 7

ddprensiiiyy theveclobeeted € ‘* O'Rébert; tobiquej’Aime.’”’ ional soul ble of making thab disposal ofsit| Ar last we have found out the secret of which tradition ascribes to Dr. Faustus. But if phen eart! A inducement:could prevail on any ; the a. amount of ’s “Sada” to be one to enter into that transaction, it ts one es is peculiar If the horns and tail and cloven h the plush, the calves, and: the pumps: prevalent i sy "tle mediteval chaussure, s ; t ny for the powdered head, the ote ook is named GENERAL KEELEY. ange ag pe tegen emcee we ak Socuonas could as easily take the | makes a great success out of Twice Killed. ‘in«the age he — | comamil in. the Confederateerankiks by the d | Fédéral soldiery. One of the Yinkée: leaders Of course he

MRS. DURDEN ON FOREIGN» POLITICS: THE Gites take them foreigners! theyre: always kicking up some er, A “ae among theirselves, or else‘along with one another, First French, Hungarians next, then Poles, and sitch, no rest, nor peace, nor quiet, And _ all this here trouble’s caused by that there nasty German i 1et. Diet! I’d diet ’em, indeed, for makin’ all this«useless ‘clatter. And physic’ em besides I would, by Job, the rebbles! for that matter, A goin’ for no bit 0’ good to stir up gin gineral war and slaughter, Their victuals should be all dry bread.by. rights, and all. theirdrink ditch-water. Yah! German Diet, sad sour krout and» sausidges’ which there ’s no good in Give me A Sey "Bnglish fare, I ‘sayy roast beef, baked» taters, and plum. | Diet ! o course it disagrees, and that And so it is as I explains this plaguy Ciivewin Ho in ae | Them Horstrians and Prooshans too, with them I han’t got common patience, A givin’ into the to-do of them there Ah there! they ’ll find out their mist: ninnies, With Bowyrarr about their house, and them there Kossurus and Mazzinis. I pe t mind if we was sure o’ keeping’clear of all their hobbles; But w yen ar comes as sure as’ fate’ the price of’ tea and. sugar oubles And there’s more Income-Tax to pay’ by’ all that fills a decent station The tag-rag gettin’ off Scotch free, and that I calls confistication. And so as to that Yankee war, oiony h for my oot Both sides alike, but then the price o of calico and cot ty smaller nations, e in havin’ made theirselves ‘sitch I despises ton rises, Each yn they might shoot and. stab, for all. care,. with guns and sabres, But when they consequence comes home we feels the quarrels of our neighbours.

“FACILIS DESCENSUS AVERNI.” A CORRESPONDENT of the Times, under thesignature of “ A ConnisH Mover,” makes a.statement whence it a pears that,.in the Parish of Beer.Ferris, Devon, within a circuit of a- ‘there are, within two feet of a pathway, some four-and-twenty unfenced shafts or holes in the ground, from 100 feet to 200 feet deep, and t ante ine the last few years, several people have killed themselves. by walking into them unawares. If Beer Ferris, is worthy of its name, being: a beery district, the zigzag course which would. be: very: generally pursued by its inhabitants in walking home at night on a. pathway such as that above referred to, must almost inevitably bring some of them to grief, if not to-an-end of all sorrow, in the chasms that yawn close beside them. It further appears that these murderous” it-falls are all situated “ on re, surely, the “ Cornnisa the estates of the samenoble proprietor.” Mixer” is in.error. The proprietor of an estate in which unfenced shafts are allowed to gape for victims by the on egg grudges to rail them in, is a proprietor who cannot be noble hosoever owns those estates, if there are any, in Beer Ferris, on which these open- mouthed pits of Acheron beset the wayfarer, heis.a base proprietor ; unless, indsed. his astounding negligence may be imputed to idiotcy. Furthermore it seems that, whilst there is an Act of Parliament which prescribes fences for the mouths of ironstone and coal«mines, no law exists to necessitate the like: enclosures for lead, tin, and copper-mines, atthe bottom.of which, as certainly as. at. that of the others, the: body of @ person falling would be dashed to pieces. “ A Corwish Mover ” justly observes, that the lords of 'the ane whereon shafts-ave left without fences, ‘ ‘ignore the moral =5% that. rty has its duties aswell as-its rights. ” They-may indeed be sai = be regardless of the distinction between mine and thine; thé mine down which the v4 let other people tumble, and the bones of ‘those other people that are broken at the bottom of them.

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Fesrvuary 6, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 53 THE PUFF POETICAL. OMPASSIONATING the exceed- ing dulness of the authors who are kept by tradesmen to draw up the Puff adver- tisements and paragraphs by which the newspapers are v Mr. Punch has pre _ a few of these articles, in the style of the ut of a more literary T an ? r. P; spenimen of the advertised ware,.and a Bank of Mngland mate HE IMMORTAL truths with whieh ‘gigantic gen Suaumnein aus atalidl thick as quills upon A ‘frightful woreupine, but > tangential the answering a Jetter heeomes a d in, if we use the mew Maxzcrnirmp Aapata AND ByYEpoTTine PEN, @0 "BE «GBMINED, i&e. MUSIC BE THE FOGD OF LOVE, theardentyet languishing votary of the datter ag er eee ey aye on, but did not deeide the question. “Cherewan bemo:doubt, , thatthe listening to music-while food .is ‘being taken is extremely healthy, and therefore the proprieter .of ‘the ®usr-sancery Rerreshment Kooms begs to announce that he has secured three Italian organs, which will perform while dinners are going on every day from 3 to 7. LD MAN, *TIS NOT SO DIFFICULT TO DIE, says Manfred in Lorp Byron’s drama, so meee Sry gar se a by Mr. PHELPS and Company at Drury Lane. His respected Lordship would have said that it was not only not difficult but quite easy to dye, whether you are an old man, or a young one, if he had visited SckatcHuM AnD Scizzors’ celebrated Hair Cutting and Dyeing Rooms, Low Holborn. EARTS ARE NOT FLINT, AND FLINTS ARE RENT, wrote the poetical Srzm Water Scort, in another sense than that in which the line may be read, but Mr. Fur begs to say that he shall be happy to Cortzecr Rents for any house-owner who may honour him with confidence. HE’S ALL MY FANCY PAINTED HER was a bold assertion | to be made even by an infatuated lover, but lovers are invited to | bring the beloved ones to SmutcHER’s Puorocrarnic Rooms, and may be assured of going away a a am in reference to the endeared object, She’s all my SmurcHeER photographed her. W address or tell him mine, and how foolish in us both not to have gone to CoprERPLATE AND Bire’s establishment, and had our names and addresses engraved ‘on’ a hundred enamelled Carns for one-and- ninepence. K TO.ME ONLY WITH THINE EYES was a sweetly- | sentimental expression of feeling, by the late Benzamin Jonson the subject has been pictorially treated .with much success by Mr. Carpzron, but the “sweetest eyes were ever seen” will wear in time, and then comes the question where to go for Srrcrac zs, to-which the answer is, go to SquIntuM.aND WinKER’s. ow DOTH THE LITTLE BUSY BEE improve each shining worded if slightly ‘hour, is an.inguiry which has never been answered, but those who | are desirous to ‘improve all hours, whether they be shining or sloppy, | should provide themselves with one of Encinz anp TuRNER’s :cele- brated Watcnes, warranted for eight-and-forty hours. OW SMALL OF ALL THAT HUMAN HEARTS ENDURE, the part that Kings or laws can cause or cure, wrote the great | Lexicographer, SamvE. Jonnson, but if that admirable man bad ever tasted the hams cured at Brivxe’s establishment, he would have said that the latter had added to the harmless gaiety of nations. | QWALLOW, SWALLOW, FLYING } or we | E MET, *TWAS IN A CROWD, and I had no time to ask his | your THAT WE TWO WERE LYING was, we thought, scarcely a wish for a Clergyman to utter, because he must know that lying is wrong; but upon a second perusal of the Rev. CHartes Krvestey’s beautiful lines, we perceive that he refers to a physical position and not a moral error. We therefore wish that he and the public generally would come and inspect FiurryBoy AND STUFFER’s monster collection of Beds, Bedding, and Bolsters. WHY SHOULD THE GIRL OF MY SOUL BE IN TEARS, or why, if ind in the luxury of woe (and indeed you |look so lovely in your tears I almost bid you shed them still) don’t she | wipe them away on one of Mrs. Fimsicat’s beautifully embroidered pocket worked by the mermaids of Madagascar, an | price elevenpence mny. : SOUTH, especially when you are flying to Brigh ere in that direction, per rail, pandas neaiieiy Vo be inttame forthe family dinner. In this ease buy »a box.f the Hydraulic Sandwiches, whieh are prepared with concen- trated mustard, and may:be bought.at-allthe stations. } Bee ME If J LIVE, but if I don’t, by reason of -~ accident | Ad ito the on which I travel, you will find the ticket of the | Accidental Insurance Company in the empty eold.cream pot in left-hand 7 danumy room, and you will receive ‘the money without any botheratien to to the natural tears you’ll ishrop, butewipe them soon, FT IN @HE STELLY NIGHT you-will hear mice running about the hetwoom,.and.attempting toget at the candles, or the almond , you have brought home to give 3 By nat m yourself with ape of L 3 Mousetraps, which ¢ e mouse, extinguishes | am poinlentiz. throws him .out of window (open or shut) and sets to eateh another? ANOTHER SHAKSPEARIAN. | (By way of promoting what it has pleased somebody to call Shak- sperianity, Mr. Punch begs to subjoin a portion of a circular which has been issued by a provincial artist, who devotes himself to the elevated art of—well, not to put too fine a point upon it—of pointing the hair. The sd is modest, and therefore we conceal this writer’s name but, to adopt the style of the provincial press, he resides not a hundre miles from a town where a sovereign, who not his hair cut off, but his head, surrendered himself to the Scotch, who sold him. “ POETRY. “ Poetry is of two kinds—Descriptive and Real—the former expressionably apparels the noblest existencies of Nature in all the graces of captivating beauty. In this kind of beautiful Poetry SaHaxksPeareE, from his indescribable sublimity and charming expression stands unrivalled. The real Poet, however, has another sphere of action, he contributes literally to the Embellishment of the Human Frame; the fascinating effect of which is demonstrating on the sensuous organs. Of all external objects, a Graceful Person and a Beautiful Head of Hair is the most agreeable—is the beau ideal of Poetry—the unerring appealer to the heart ; winning our regards, fixing our esteem, and riveting our affec 5 Poetry, of the person can be cultivated in every department by visiting “PETER PINDAR’S HAIR-CUTTING AND CURLING ESTABLISHMENT. ** Peter Prnpar’s Perukes are unquestionably the most unique of their kind, they will fit the head so as to defy the detection of the greatest connoisseur ; in short, they only require to be seen to be styled the archetype of Nature. N.B. Private Rooms. Ladies’,Maids taught Hair Dressing.” Surely, surely, Mr. Pryvpar ought to have been placed on the National Shakspeare Committee. A Medal of ‘Protection. Amon the Italian decorations is one, worn by Signor CrisPi and others, called “'The Medal of Marsala.” Tf this signifies that the brave fellows have drunk much of that liquid, we have no words strong enough to express our admiration of their courage. And we know what we are talking about, often dining in “genteel” districts, and we have some thought of sending for the medal, and wearing it at dinner- arties as a graceful hint. hen certain s g hosts say to us “I os you like that sherry, it comes from a first-rate fellow’s cellar,” we —thereby meaning “ Quite the Reverse.” shall simply turn our me | For the Use of Schools. | __ CLASSICAL Note, to be prefixed to any future edition of the Latin | Poets :-— Carpit iter. This phrase came into fashion on the occasion of C@sar’s aying a state visit to one of the Roman nobility. The space between iis chariot-wheel and the house-door was covered with a rich drugget, | upon which the-Emperor walked, and hence the expression “ Carpit iter.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fepruary 6, 1864.

i), pull ) _— pent dae a — " ' TIT, ablL , i ‘ - Pe ve sayy 1), 2,1" <I en SxS | | Whi A HINT TO JOBMASTERS.—THE SUBURBAN FLYMAN. Maid. “Os, Coacuman! Missus saY, You’RE To CovER YOURSELF WITH THIS RuG, aND Not TO Move OFF THE Box; BECAUSE YOUR GaITERS AND LEGS AND THINGS ARE REALLY SO VERY SHOCKING.’

’

DRESSING THE WINDOW. Quorn that Prince of Shop-walkers and Principals, Pam, To his book-keeper GLADsTonE, and JoHn, his head shop-man, “ I should know the public, yet puzzled I am, What article ’s best in the window to pop, man. “ Last year trade was languid; there seemed nothing doing, ‘Then our stock didn’t take, and the public held off it, Till on striking our balance, for all GLApsToNE’s screwing, There appeared on the books scarce a penny of profit. “From ws those unprincipled chaps o’er the way How to dress their own window have managed to learn; And don’t mind (from our shop to draw custom away), That untradesmanlike falsehood—yow know—‘ same concern.’ * What is to be done? Here’s the Season beginning, And unless we find something the public to fix, « I’m afraid, gents, that so far a fortune from winning, The concern will be bankrupt, and dividend nix. ** Our book-debts are heavy; on sev’ral occasions, Thanks to you, Master JOHNNY, we ’ve largely o’er-bought ; That lot of Reform checks—your recommendation ’s Been on hand ever since: not a penny they ’ve brought. ! “ There ’s an awful back-stock, in those pigeon-holes yonder, And of bad bills, I know, there’s a box at the bank full ; How to save the concern when I ask you to ponder, All you can suggest to one’s, ‘ Rest and be thankful.’ ** As for GLaApsTONE he does try to keep down expenses, __ But he is such a beggar to argue and reason, He’ll prove black white, spite of a customer’s senses, And to carry his point, would risk losing the Season.

“ Tf it weren’t for my manners, my style of shop-walking, And shaving the ladies—or gents, for that matter ; Of Pam & Co.’s smash soon the town would be talking, Spite of Jounny’s smart letters, and GLapstonx’s glib patter. “ There’s one comfort, if people our goods ain’t quite nuts on, They fancy still less that chap’s over the way :; Though the very same patterns the counter he puts on, And tries all he knows, he can’t make the thing pay. * We do keep a conscience, (if it’s a rusty one), But a conscience don’t suit Dersy, Dizzy & Co. ; Their shoddy stock’s worse than our fly-blown and fusty one, And where we ’ve one dummy, they sport a whole row!”

RATHER SIGNIFICANT. An enterprising theatrical speculator was being dissuaded by some friends from going to Australia and establishing a playhouse in the wilds. ‘ You’ll have nothing but kangaroos for audience,” he was told. The undaunted if imperfectly educated manager replied, “ Well, I suppose Kangaroo money is as good as anybody else’s money.” Whatever Kangaroo money may be worth, it is quite clear that Federal money is not as good as English. The Great Western Railway of Canada has reported that its losses during one half-year, last past, by taking Krxc ABRAHAM’s bad money, and turning it into QuEEN Vicroria’s good ditto, amount to £29,460 13s. 6d. e sixpence may be dismissed as Mr. Mantilini dismissed the halfpenny, but a loss of nearly £30,000 in a half-year is not quite so easily treated. And we find the statement in the Morning Star, of all places. Ht tu, Brute! ,

ScuiEswic-Ho.tstTEIn.— There can never be Peace as long as there is a GENERAL WRANGEL. au ||

TdVL (AN AO ALIINVNA® ANV GNV ‘SINVNWY JO SLOT ‘SNDISHC HONTUA ‘ONITIAMOL NVISS +k u “

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CAN NEUTRAL TINTS WORSTED © QUILTINGS N NC CH DESICNS DRESSING THE WINDOW. Pam (tHE VeTeRan Suor-watker). “NOW THEN, MR. RUSSELL! WHAT HAVE WE GOT TO. PUT IN THE WINDOW?” Mr. Russzit. “ WELL, SIR, THERE’S SOME REFORM CHECKS, AMERICAN NEUTRAL TINTS, FOREIGN TIES, BERLIN WORSTED, EIDER QUILTINGS, RUSSIAN TOWELLING, FRENCH DESIGNS. LOTS OF REMNANTS, AND ANY QUANTITY OF RED TAPE.”

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Page 75

‘ Fesruary 6, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON. CHARIVARL =" ——————_—_—_——— A PLEBEIAN* GRIEVANCE. F. course: Punch knows nothing of the Pit of a theatre, but with the aid of his ivory double- opera-glass he some- times amnsed himself while reclining in his velvet arm-chair in his private-box, by examin- the creatures who inhabit that fpart of the house, and they appear *to have made, certain }, advances towards civi- lisation. They listen very earnestly to the play, they are intolerant of any disturbance, they never talk while the cur- — =-tain is up, and they == seem to derive a rational ~ pleasure fromthe enter- . tainments, They clearly do not go there to see other visitors, or"to show their , or because the clubs or homes, but jhe- —some person of the of be ioe 0 footmen, maid, who may haye spoken it is the best place for seei hat between the acts, the le. penance. y emselves between each row, way by ramming their b thus “refreshmen ” and! the, excuse so may want ano ,orag ‘his seat lest he should not get it of a:dozen. persons. of ill-regulated ever.so_ many times during the “arfxious to b the: inferi creation, ir. Punch has iwith satisfaction that Ma. Bucxstows, at the Haymarket, Ma. Gzoncs Vivine, at the Princess’s, Ma. Feoursr, at the Lyceum, Mr. Wesster, at, the Adelphi, haye abolished the nuisance. other managers will do the same. But while we steal plays from the French, why can’t we steal play- enta sles? Ita possible that a pemon.may-really need I a performances: which it a good deal e q sit out: In France, the right of property in a pit seat is. 1 _as also the right. of property in a rchief. If an individual, leaving his seaty lays. his gloves thereon, or ties his. hief round it, other persons. would as soon of punching his head on. his return, as of ra his place. Or, if a coarse rude brute did commit that valgar.act, his neighbours, 1 in preserving the of the theatre, would promptly kick him out, or invite the unfavo notice of a policeman to his conduct. Way can we not have a similar ent here? Let notices be put oa the pit, calling the attention-of the public to so easy a remedy fi the alleged grievance? However, the matter: is in the hands of the pittites themselves, and hai given. them the hint, Mr. Punch apologises to the aristocracy for intraded sucha topic. on their —there af pubeahanend tebeabinte respected, Bisnor Corenso has-been deposed, in effizy, by other ecclesiastics at the Cape. The Bishop deposes. that Tag th are incompetent to decide: the question; and he appeals. In fact the great arithme- tician insists on their proving ther sum. He insists piace eo aad y 8 only make a unit and fractions, the latter slightly vulgar. KING AND. QUEEN Last Wednesday, Miss Bareman—(Get out, we shall speak of her-as as we like, and who are-you? besides, we’ve got o7cke) ae ed Teak for the hundredth.time. So you see Queen Leah is luckier than ele , assne was,allowed her Handred Knights, and he wasn’t. are bored at their | ugly ; are from end to end off, “ He, TO POSTERITY. A CARD. As Mr. Punch’s ‘volames will be referred to in future ages for lucid explanations of obscure passages in what will then be history, he’begs respectfully to inform Posterity that in January 1864 England was, in spite of appearances, a Christian country, fitted up with all the best | civilising apparatus in the way of churches, chapels, schools, bishops, preachers, good books, female influence, and, Punch himself. admits that Posterity may have a difficulty in ing this when reading in the newspapers for the month in question that. in tthe finest‘Exhibition (Hall in London, that one up at “merry Islington,” ; | “A Ma Crockert daily performs a series of dangergus feats in & large cage of lions.and lionesses.” | That it happened —such things will happemeitiethe.best regulated wild- beast ouaee—thet screams were h ONG Morming, and it was i cover ee ‘* That one of theJarger lions had an unfortunate righ | whilst another had.seized him by the thick parb.of.the, fovears | the limb through«the. bars of the ca; o£) rm. p | irons the men at onee.set. to work belabouring the lion | order to make them. loose hold. These procees rease the ferocity of the animals, who with louc flesh from their poor victim's arm and hand with their brutes were nearly blinded with the blows inflicted. apo | induced to relinquish their grip, when the poorz | mangled limb, with great difficulty, and fell faint reseued him from his horrible position.” ? a was.not thought-likely to recover Posterity will next read “During the afternoon. ae only ’ Crooxeer and the lions, went schist en th Cee eat els | 1 ay, bran ‘ and more gloomy | others.” | And finally, that-Jike practi 23. Wee are, wa use \due ‘and Samana preceubiaedandaadatarte. Orr. “It is now felt” What? T -brataland dangerous “enterkaigments:’ should * Diarns, no be di ; Itis now felt to.be desirable that, red- t bap-ss bad the been #0, tne aula la would have Saag ound decot tee tee aman instantly. That is all’ And in spite of all this, Mr. Paach-has again to assure Posterity that we were in 1864 Chris iad civilised people, who shud- dered at old tales of gladiators, loaf! ish -bull-fights, and even sent folks to prison for setting cocks to combat. But what we most | piqued ourselves upon was our consistency. usua eas of the | wy | n t A SUGGESTION FROM SHAKSPEARE. | Dean Powony — : Tae great interest created by the proceedings of the Committee engaged in making arrangements for the proposed Shakspeare Com- memoration, and the lively discussion in progress on the.subject of insanity in relation to crime, may warrant me in - taking the Leer to offer your readers a suggestion appropriate to the former of those subjects, and, I sineerely trust, not impertinent to the latter. anybody will take the trouble to look carefully over the .map.of Eagland, he will perhaps find four rivers delineated as emptying them- selves into Southampton Water, the Hamble and Titehborue rivers ; the Itchen and the Test. It is to the last mentioned of ‘these, streams that the Shakspearian idea, which I would venture }to propose with ‘respect to the difficult and recondite question of-lunacy, relates. That idea amounts to nothing less than an expedient for the unerring deter- ' mination of the sanity or insanity of an individual whose. health of mind is doubtful. Lot mo, without further preface, state it in the very words of Hamlet the Dane, which, at a time when the. Schleswig- Holstein difference is raging between Denmark and Germany, to sake iematioally, like mad, will be allowed to be particularly germane. to puesmaiiars “Tt is not madness; bring.m> to.the Zest, And I the matter will re-word, which madness. Would gambol from.” | Very well, then. Why not, when a man’s sanity-is-in- question, simply do what the immortal Saxspszare, by the mouth.of Hamlet, recommends? Bring, him, as the Dae Prince says, tothe Test, |induce him to say something, and, when-he has made the remark, get him to try and repeat it. J : Consideration of space necessitates the abridgmont. of observations |on a subject which I intend to treat more copiously in a paper to be read at the next meeting of the Archwological Society, whose/attention it will occupy not much longer than two hours. ; Yours truly CraistorHer Str, } |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruary 6, 1864. COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON. (We can only hear the words, “You’re a—” on account of the noise ; but the rest are | all. We had not looked at t supposed to be)—“ A Happy New YEAR TO you!” “Tue SAME TO YOU, AND MANY OF THEM! (Perhaps they imply something else. TALLY-HO! Tue cry of “ Tally-ho!” is one which, if raised in Par- liament; would probably awake responsive echoes, unmingled with roars of “Order!” Prefacing a speech, it would at least attract attention. It may be hoped that this shout will be heard on an early day in Parlement, not as pre- liminary toa proposal for lngialation relative to fox-hunting, but as the introduction of a motion concerning a kindo more noxious vermin than foxes, and not tending to their preservation. The vermin in question are glanced at in a presentment adjoined to the verdict of a Coroner’s Jury in conclusion of an inquest held at Falmouth on the body of one Mary Ann Ancove, who had poisoned herself in a state of mind caused by some tallymen, who, under a County Court judgment, put a bailiff into her house to recover a debt, which she had run up with them for clothes, un- known to her husband. he finding was “Temporary Insanity,” and the observations which accompanied it, remain, 2 sensible for their source, were these :— “ The jury cannot separate without expressing a strong condem- nation of the tally system as at present carried on, and would hope that the Government would be induced to pass some stringent measure to stop the same, this jury believing that the death of the deceased is clearly traceable to the anxiety brought on by pro- ceedings taken by the tallymen to realise a debt contracted with them without her husband's knowledge.” There is no necessity for any statute to legalise the extermination of tallymen. -Every object that could be gained by dooming them to die would be answered by an enactment providing, more effectually than at present, that, in cases wherein they givea married woman credit without her husband’s knowledge, they shall not recover. New Fact in Electric Science. Mepicat men state (and, curiously enough, it also stands to reason) that a certain amount of electricity is conveyed to the system by the receipt of a telegraphic message. |The words which have run along the wire convey the fluid to the clerk, who transmits it to the paper which you receive. It is, the doctors say, a very healthy thing to take a course of telegrams, and their efficacy is increased by the shock which it gives most people to receive a telegram at é fre matter in this light, but shall | immediately ee curing all our sick friends by incessant transmissions of electrifying jokes. | Audley no lon; OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. | My pear Puncu, ’ I THUNK we now with safety may congratulate ourselves that | the reign of stage sensation is coming to an end, and that we are return- | ing to the reign of better sense. The Colleen Bawn and Octoroon have gone where glory waits them in the provinces, perhaps: at the Peep o’ | Day we no more get a peep 0’ nights in London, and the lovely Lad, | r is convicted of her ill deed at the well. Let that we alone, is my advice to managers, for I cannot well believe that any good | can spring from it. aut Some two or three years back, the great Mr. Bamsooziicautr did | his best or worst to make our managers imagine that their audience | cared nothing for mere poetry or penmanship, and that a good, strong, | startling sensation scene or two was all that was required to make a lay succeed. How the great Mz. BamBooziicauLt misjudged the British playgoer the marked success of Manfred was quite proof enough to show: and further evidence is furnished in the mere fact that Miss Bateman by the poetry of her acting has for upwards of a hundred nights been filling the ‘Adelphi as full as it was ever while Bamsoozi1- CAULT there reigned. The new play at the Princess’s is another sign moreover that good writing is still relished, and that there are playgoers in plenty still existing who enjoy a play ‘not eo the set scenes there may be in it. nna Diana is decidedly the best piece which has lately been imported for our stage, and although its adapter has a little spoilt the last scene to produce a stage-effect which the author had pera Rs from, he has upon the whole performed hi ptation with much cleverness and taste. All who care to see what a good Spanish lay is like, should go and see El Desden con el Desden in its English - a and thanks to Mr. Vintne they will no longer be annoyed b the cries of “ nuts, cakes, oranges, lemonade, and gingerbeer,” whic used so rudely to destroy the nice illusions of the stage, and knock the play out of one’s head almost between the acts. tt may seem poor praise to say that the pantomime at this house is really a very good one, for the advertisements assert of every pantomime | have an o in London, that it is “universally acknowledged” to be the “very best.” There are some good scenes and good fun too in the one at Drury Lane ; but I think the heartiest laugh that I have had this season was at the drollery of the donkey in St. George and the Dragon, the part of the donkey being played by Mr. Freperick Payne. A runaway donkey is not a very common sort of creature, and the funny way in which Mr. Paynz makes ‘an _ass of himself is enough to make one any night burst out with a horse-laugh. While I speak of Covent Garin, I must pee the management for bringing out Fanchette. It really is a very pleasant little opera, and I am not ai all disposed to join with certain critics in making a complaint about its Frenchiness of style. Light and lively music is just what our ——— seem least able to invent, andI only wish that one of them would so far imitate the “ Frenchy” school of composition as to let us ra with a little of the sparkle of Ze Domino Noir. Not but what the English style is also capable of liveliness. Mr. MacrarrEeN is no copyist of AuBER, yet his Jessy Lea is certainly a lively little work, and its success proves that the public would be glad of others like it. There was a brimming audience the last evening I heard it, and though now withdrawn to make room for the new Egyptian Entertainment (you can conceive what capital fun the trio at the Gal- lery will make out of a tourist party at the Pyramids), it will, I hear, be soon resumed as an afternoon attraction without spoiling the Egyptians of the treasures they will nightly bring into the treasury. There is little more to say about our theatres just now: but from Australia we learn that after having, I doubt not, performed his part as chaplain on board ship with great applause, the ee. Cuartes Kean has laid aside his parson’s bands, and resumed his actor’s buskin and his natural stage strut. How correctly his great genius is judged at - Antipodes this extract from the Melbourne, Herald amply serves to show :— “ The chief charm of Mr. and Mrs. Kean’s acting consists in their perfectly lifelike and natural rendering of every character. Years of close study must have been required to produce that ease of manner and studious avoidance of anything ‘stagey’ that characterises their endeavours. Not the slightest approach to theatrical cla trap is ever observable—no courting the plaudits of the pit and gallery—their

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Fepruary 6, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVARI. 59 constant aim appearing to be the elevation of the dramatic art to something more | than the mere gratification of pleasure-seekers. By their untiring aid the stage may yet be made a vehicle for historical instruction and moral example.” Well, different men have different opinions . and as a critic in Aus- tralia of course has better opportunities to cultivate his taste than one who is unfortunate enough to live in London, it would searce be seemly in me to venture a denial that this estimate of Mr. Kuan’s great talent as an actor is most thoroughly correct. I would merely say that as I am a “pleasure-seeker” when I go to see a play, I wish with all my heart that Mr. Kean in future would act only in Aust where, if his critic there be credible, his aeting gives more pleasure to those who are of course well co to judge of it, than it does to your less able correspondent, _Qwe wuo Pays. .A GOOD HA’PORTH. 1z,—Here are a fow hae for the form that a ian ought | to take rwaniadian me from various quarters, in onder ‘that they may obtain the uired pubheity im the mns 0 widel - culated rok — It is proposed— Ist. That it ought to be bh about SHAKSPEARB, er per- haps Mrttoy, butat allevents | somebody who lived about | excluding | that time, always Outvia CROMWELL, Qnd. That it must not be Hing te eat, or if it is, not hot, like a salad, which ould be of Ww co Sl anyt very untrg where poet re- istrict- as a oney compliment to the purverves of England oO 4th. ‘That it shall be portable, with pockets inside, 5th. That it shall*be a Shakspeare Scholarship, to be holden on the following conditions’; viz. :— That the candidate shall be able to repeat by heart and sing all | Coxtrer’s emendations to*Matons’s notes. That the holder shall be required to read aloud the entire plays of | SHAKSPEARE every morning before breakfast, for the space of one year. | ‘That in his.second year of holding, he shall repeat the performance | with the addition of dressing himself in the costumes of a// SHAKSPEARE’S | characters, including the Witches in Macbeth and the greasy eitizen in | the Roman crowd. | That on the 23rd_of every successive April, he shall hunt samphire gatherers on the Cliffs of Dover. 2 That in honour of Falstaf?s ragged army he'shall go to Coventry for the remainder of the year. Hoping, dear Punch, that the Members of the Shakspeare Committee will give their serious attention to these propositions. I remain, yours, energetically, A Retmep Hamer. An Ecclesiastical Auctioneer. _ Tue New York Times amuses us witha piece of truly American intelligence :— ‘*Pew Sate.—At the commencement of the new held in the Rev. Henry Warp Beecaer’s Church to = The church was crowded to its utmost capacity. Precisely at 7 o'clock Mr. EECHER appeared on the platform, and in a few words stated the object of the gathering and the terms of sale.” Was it on the platform that Mz. Beecuer appeared? According to - — notions, the reverend gentleman should have appeared in e pulpit. r the usual meeting was ispose of the sittings for the “ CHRISTIANOS AD LEONES!” A Revrvat of the above-mentioned ancient sport, a great favourite with the citizens of old Rome, is now being looked forward to, wit considerable interest. by all lovers of such exhibitions residing within half a mile of the Agricultural Hall. 1sungton. ; favourite out to nurse, him ?” : | existence “Td ieee y it before » for E t gi pain for « moat, ad & Nath iat wove nt be angiter the against her son-in-law; but I oan’t help saying that Satura does behave OLD WORLD TALES, OR PASTIME FOR THE PRESENT. Tue summit of Mount Olympus, in Thessaly, was the abode of the gods, goddesses, and deified heroes. No mortal, gué mortal, has ever ascended these heights, with the exception, perhaps, of Mra. Bansamin Disrag.i. That most ancient deity Kronos or Saturn used to devour his children, not with caresses, but literally, and without‘any caresses at all. It was evident that he liked them, though as his wife Queen Rhea could not help remarking, he certainly had a very queer method of showing it. hey were for a long time a perfectly happy family, and his sons and daughters born prior to his youngest, Zeus or J r, never once disa- greed with him. This last child, however, did not'share the fate’of his ‘elder hers and sisters: and consequently, ot writers on (the subject hold that he was probably brought up at Harrow, seeing that his mother never intended the young Jove to be an Eaten Bien, ‘ey ; Be this as it may, the fact : s that Mater 1 in a diffi- gulty with regard to this child, did what most married ladies would have done under similar cireumstances, She consulted her moth a Tio ne have the child,” said et me have the child,” sai imal * Yes, Mamma, if you think *s yo the dutiful danghter, who, however, did not ish the notion of putting her “ But as is sure to ask for him, what “Um!” Terra was considering, At leagth a bright thought struck er. * Of course,” observed, inguiringly, “ always used to send for the children a oso ma r i t such had been her amiable husband's custom, Rhea signified Te eet es eyes. gould not but acknowledge the DSC oat —" 0 , , “Oh, 1 yor Rhea. i f into a fury. ne my ick to his Ops pe Li that nectar-wine, with him; for the matter of , though, we t deal more without him.” At this both ladies laughed, when Terra’s ity was quite restored, she resumed the sted and wie veins “ You send the boy to me. I’ve some wonderful stone-fruit, candied last’season when I was making my jams; Rocky Mountain plums, or pome-granites we ’re thinking o ing them. There!” So saying, she produced from her store closet a fine specimen of the first Orleans growth. It was floating like a luscious island in the midst of a sea of syrup. ; “ Mind you wait for your opportunity,” said the crafty old lady ; “ and the wretch will swallow it down as if it was the finest dish of kid he’d ever tasted.” She alluded to the fashion of those primitive times, which was to introduce the joint at the very close of the meal; a custom that has since been adopted in some parts of Germany, elsewhere. So Rhea thanked her kind mother, and reached the palaee Kronos, who never waited for anybody, was sitting down to his ia, and = * THE WAYSIDE INN.” A Caarmiye Book, doubtless, is Lonersttow’s Zales of a Waysi Inn. A tuneful and accurate ear must be Ma. LoneFe.iow’s, yet from the internal evidence afforded by the volume, we gather that the Transatlantic Rhapsodist (under which term are not included Spiritual- istic Media) approves of, nay more, an affection for, itinerant rinders of organs, midnight waits, and their unequal measures. Ran lies the proof of our assertion; let the reader, any reader, open the book at page 14, and he will there find the description of a Young Poet, a graphic portrait of one of the Sitters around the cheerful Fire; but the youth is praised, aye, actually praised, in the following couplet : “ He did not find his sleep less sweet For music in some neighbouring street.” Good gracions! ’tis clear that Mz. Loyeranuow never knew the pleasures of a quiet quarter in London. At this point, even as I am penning these lines, comes an organ-man playing dismally round the corner; and, if I mistake not, a small band with brass enough for any- h | thing, is at the other end of the street, just commencing the overture to William Tell. Bither they go or I. They won’t, so I’ll step out and call upon Mr. BasBace.

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| it may concern the. foregoing account of the sort of | peculiarly adapted to the class of mind to which Colney Hatch affords an | PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Uf —— f <i , 14 e+) ay i)

[Fesruary 6, 1864. Lil

me! Jj) | A ; aa AN el AWFUL APPARITION OF THE BARD AT MRS. SCRIMMINGE’S TEA-FIGHT. Bur IT waS ONLY YOUNG FLARROP, FROM: NEXT DOOR, LARKING WITH THE BusT oOvT OF THE LIBRARY ; AND IT BEING THE FASHION TO Make Fun oF DEAR OLD SHAKSPEARE JUST NOW, THE JOKE TOOK IMMENSELY. ‘

similar to’thosé of ras | the young ladies have learned from the

COLNEY HATCH QUADRILLES. As I suppose your readers include a great many young ladies, and young gentlemen whose ideas of diversion are in a great measure ladies; whilst both the young gentlemen and U \ 0 erusal of your pages to think, let me invite them. to. exercise their:reflecting powers on some facts which must be premised, by the following explanatory quotation from the Times :— “Tae Cotwey Haron Curisrmas Party.—Yesterday evening the managers of the Colney Hatch Asylum gave their annual treat to the inmates of this excellent Institution. On former occasions we have described sv fully the incidents of these entertainments that it is hardly necessary to say more now than that this Christmas party was, as usual, a great success. Of the 1,900 inmates of the asylum about 600, male and female, were permitted to take part in the festivities, and to them were — at least 300 visitors, on mingled freely in the crowd, and helped to promote e rere; 7 ity e ¢ 4 ” What I wish your young friends of both sexes to ponder is the nature of the amusements which seem to have particularly delighted the crazy and imbecile inmates of Colney Hatch. The report above quoted con- tinues :— **The amusements provided by the visiting committee were numerous, but though the Nigger Minstrels were loudly applauded, the troupe of Chinese jugglers and contortionists were by far the greatest favourites. The great dining hall of the asylum was'the chief scene of the sports. At one end was erected a temporary stage on which the various troupes engaged kept up a constant succession of amusements.” The intelligent readers of Punch, male and female, may amuse them- selves, and perhaps instruct others, by reading to those others whom Sir,

| in psychology ? Not any will be:hi

fun which is asylum. They will not be surprised to find that the Nigger Minstrels, | and the Chinese jugglers and contortionists afford a special gratification | i the demented and insane. But the succeeding statement will puzzle them :— “In the remainder there was ample space for dancing, and, to tell the truth, if the committee had engaged two or three quadrille bands, one to succeed the other, so as to keep up a continual succession of dancé music; perhaps they would best have consulted the general taste. With ‘or without ‘partners, the patients never seemed tired of whirling round the room either to the polka or waltz measures.” Is it possible that much as Nigger Minstrels and Chinese mounte- banks are to the taste of lunatics and idiots, yet that insanity and impaired intelligence find recreation still more congenial in the sparkling music and the graceful movements of the dance ? What philosopher will dare to propose a solution of this apparent fact azarded. by,’ Yours truly, Wall-Flower Cottage, January, 1864, SMELFUNGUs.* * A Box of Antibilious Pills is left at our Office for Mr. 8S.—Ed. An Apology to Shakspeare. Apropos of all the Blundering of the ‘‘ National Committee.” Forerve, blest Shade, the tributary sneer’ ° With which this trading on thy fame we hiss ; Nor think we less thy honoured name-revere; - Because we shrink from snobbishness like this !

LITERARY, ANECDOTE. A Savace young man known to Mr. Punch, was looking over the list | of articles in the new Quarterly, and came to “ Eels.” “ Bother,” he said, “there ’s no criticism now-a-days. Instead of writing about Eels, I wish they ’d skin a few.” Mr. Punch immediately ordered the savage young man out of the room.

Improper Expression.—Let it never be said, that when a man jumps | for joy, “ his delight knows no dounds.”

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, U; Whitefriars, City of Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the P cen adm bot February 6, 1864. Wobi Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, ot 'No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of fice it fou, of Whitefriars, City of Lendon, and Published by them at No, 85 Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City

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Fesruary 13, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (a) PRIA > (2 \ \ It it ‘Yy | oH or NG 1 | \ > Artist (to his Hypochondriacal Friend with an independence). “An! My DEAR FELLOW, IF YOU HAD TO WORK HARD AND GET YOUR OWN LIVING 4S WE HAVE, YOU’D HAVE NO DyspepsiA, I’LL BE BOUND; GOOD BYE.” NOBLE CHAFF. Tue Eart or Dery, in his speech on the Address, playfully com- Eart Russext to Bottom, the weaver. er who is accus- med to spin yarns, might as well have said nothing about weavers. Tf one noble Lord calls another by a name which is an euphemism for an ass, no wonder that the other should retort in terms of corresponding courtesy. Accordingly we find the oy +4 Secretary givin the noble Lord, the leader of the Opposition in the House of Lords, a reply equivalent to “ You ’re another,” and something more. As thus:— “ But I will now proceed to the comments which the noble Earl has made upon my conduct. He began with a good deal of wit and with a good many facts. But while his wit was excellent in itself—indeed, there could be none better, seeing that it was all taken from SHaksPEARE—the facts of the noble Earl, which were his own, had no more foundation than the story of Bottom, the weaver, himself.” The dream of Bottom, the weaver, of course the misreported Minister said. “ M 8 ed Bottom’s dream, because it hath no bottom.” So, neither, says the noble Eart Russet, had the facts of the noble Eart or Derby. d then, quoting SHermay, the former noble Earl said that the latter “borrowed his wit from his memory, and his facts from his imagination”—in other words, spoke the thing that was not. And so the Parliamentary new year in their Lordships’ house with the compliments of the Session. : FROM AN OLD HOSS. Sr, Hay? what? did you observe that an old Hoss like me, who used to be ridden post many a time to Gretna Green, could be of no use now in these way Days? Neigh, friend, but these steam people are coming back to us, after all. Why, Sir, ’twas only t’otlier day that I heard two of the Directors of the Greatest Line say to one another, Trains to Somewhere and back for half-a-crown, ay unless they were properly advertised, and that to ‘ains in every place, they must employ plenty of Poséers, Yours triumphantly, Posrsoios ATHANAT’OSS. that their Excursion would never forward these ONE OF THE GREATEST “ MYSTERIES OF PARIS.” Herz is a dreadful falling off! We read with amazement, tho ugh it | is true the curious event took place during the Carnival, that :— | | “At a Public Ball given by the wife of the Prefect of the Seine, at which 3,000 in which persons were present, no Crinoline was worn Bravo! The French Venus has at last left the iron ¢ | the Vulcan of Fashion had too long imprisoned her. Paris had of late | been celebrated for two styles of fortifications, the enceinte continuée, and | the Crinoline, and really in point of area the one extended almost as far 'as the other. The latter is fortunately now abolished, and there will be | all the more room consequently in Paris. The cry of “Ji n’y a plus de Crinolines !” will be added to the old historical one of “ Ii n’y a plus de: | Pyrénées,” and the removal of the barrier will give pleasure to thousands. | of patriotic Frenchmen, on account of there being one obstruction the less. in their country. Crinolines impeded free circulation fully as much as | passeports, and when the latter fell in France, we felt confident that the former could not long stand up and assert their galling tyranny. | We congratulate the above Prefect upon having abolished this despo- tism, which was like a big thorn always in one’s side, and upon having completely established a new era of freedom, This inauguration entitles him for the future to adopt as his motto “ Mens sana tn corpore sano,” for it is clear that there now presidesa mind that is sane in the prefec- toral body of the Seine. The Rein of Terror. Noricr.—It is now Cabman’s law, that when two persons, of whom one is a Man, ride two miles, the fare is one shilling. But if only one person rides, and that person is a lady, the fare is eighteen-pence. Cabman’s Club. (Signed) Buity Scowier. Pronuncration.—A Gentleman in the pit of the Adelphi Theatre remarked that he werry much preferred Miss Bateman’s Lear to SHAKSPEARE’S. VOL, XLVI, iN

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| | _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARE [Feeavary 13, 1864. | | present Head Master | eldest son, EpwaRD the soldier, who is a good-natured — _ too much led away by his PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. las- | dishke having their lands. settled read a Message of in This up be Sandere d some of his eol- and was very — ad- to doh less been Aeademy, Pint risen ter, no- know, ing bat what to an- self. But said that the Mas- LEPEEE iit EECE ef ce : Ra & oe» eeep 358 think that “Old Pam,” as they affectionately if irreverently call the iv boys seemed to | retty well what he was about, they cheered him very loudly a ot he came, with his eane in his hand, into the Lower School, the louder that a severe sentence had just been passed on a low Irishman, who had been flinging mud at Old Pam, and telling lies about him. The was given, as usual, in the U ‘Sehool, where the noblemen are taught, or it is tried to The Mistress’s Waxes, was there, and sowas his cousin Gzorcz, chums, and not quite so eonsiderate inferiors as a brave boy | should be. When the Mistress comes, the re-opening of school is quite an imposing sight, and no end of ladies to see -how their relations lock when heing sent baek to their Forms. on there was not much of this kind of thing. The boys of the Lower ol were | sent for, and eame running in with their usual noise, and with the | Oot ea ne ith pleasant subjeet, a mention of M al essage a su a B. and | Mxs. Bowarp Waxss’s little boy, who was born at Frogmore during | the a to the great joy of everybody, as his parents, and his grand- | mamma, the Mistress, are very dear to all of us. _ Then the School was told of several taking place | in various parts of the world, and ii is ri these things should be | known, so the whole sehool went, as it into Geography class for * ‘Phat all the great Qucoms cad- Kingsof and h , the great ns and Kings of Europe, ’ many of the little ones, had in 1852 solemnly put their hands and seals to an_agree- ment that nobody should take away any of the territories which the Kaye or Denmark then sed. Now we all know that in direct violation of that agreement, the Germans are trying te take away two ieces of the King’s dominions,—two duchies, ed Schleswig and olstein. While the Message was being delivered, cannons were roaring, and men were being killed in eswig, where the brave Danes | were trying to beat back the Prussians and Austrians, and had really | done so many times, though the Germans had an immensely superior number of men. We were told that England had tried to prevent the | fighting, and would try to stop it. That the Japanese had behaved so ill to subjects of the Queen oF | ENGLAND that it had been necessary to demand satisfaction, which the | Tycoon, the Japanese temporal aie, had given, but one of his proud | arid powerful nobles, the Prince or Sarzuma, had resisted, so that | English ships had been obliged to bombard his stronghold and brin him to his senses. “ Incidentally,” a very large city had been burned | Was | said down, and probably many thousands of its inhabitants had been killed wh was, converting this naughty Priage to civilisation, and this we heard that the Qumzn regre , we dare say did the inha- bitants of Kagosima. wever, you know, “sorry for it” is all that a alanders continue, in the most strange way, to n by settlers who will soon settle the tatteed people out of the: way togetiuas, but that the English are enforeing this Law of né jm a vigorous manner, and will soon | have shot so many tatteed folks, that the othexs.will see how wrong it is to object to civilisation and Christianity. That England has made a treaty with Austria, France, Prussia, and Russia, by whieh she gives up the Ionian Islands, and annexes them to Greece, and is.making a y with the Kixe ar Grexce, who is fool- ishly styled Kane or Toy Hetsenne (a Frenehified title, and not to be compared with the other and noble one), as to the terms of the union, about which weshall hear agoot deal more, That the eoudition of England was “on the whole” satisfactory, and that - might look for much eotten from lands which have hitherto given her bu That some Bishops.and other’grave had been ordered by the Russe oF ——g to xan _ to revise the = . hee by which themselwes to preach anyt ut what is in Book to be right. This was all the Message had‘te say, Nothing“about America, where a dreadful war is going on ; nating thea! Po where the Russians are doing ervel and unjust things; nothing about Mexico, to which a me hay an Kmperor is going to be sent, if he can borrow money for clothes and housekeeping; nothing about China, where English soldiers have helped the toa victory, after which these opeamie committed most savage massaeres, We all thought that the Masters had been so busily quarrelling that they had had no time to read the newspapers. However, it did not-muehmatter, and Monitor Lornp Wesrpury having read the Message very well, minding his stops, ing his ajtches, and not his voice at the end of sentences, the were dis ular hours for getting | to work. It is i by the boys that there will be a good many | fights this half, and.afis certain that there will be a great many impo- | sitions. | Mr. Punch having, with his usual exquisite flexibility of pen, thus | pleasantly allegorised the introductory ceremonial of Thursday last, pro- | ceeds to the sterner—in fact to the Laurence Sterner duty of making a | Sentimental Journey throngh the debates of the Session. He doubts | not that he shall come to the episode of the Donkey in good time, and promises not to forget the rope’s end, or its use. Meantime let us | overhaul the Debate on the Address. The Marguts or Siico, who moved it, astonished the Brownzs, his | namesakes, by appearing in the ele, aniferm of the London Irish | Volunteers. Lorp ABERCROMBY, the seconder, was “barely audible,” which shows that though his plage is at Tulliboddy, he, when in his | place, is not a body like Tunuy. Then, of conrse, the Hart or Dexsr stood up, to open the bombard- | ment, and having pleasantly chaffed Lorn S1ico for having alluded to | many matters not in the Speech, of which Lorp Dersy supposed that | the Volunteer had not seen the latest edition, the Earl seneonded to make | notes on that document, and mentioned that 110 new cotton mills are | preparing to open in his Lordship’s part of the country when trade shall improve, He then invited Eart Russeu1 tora little mill. He got to work at‘onee. Lorn Russext had turned out the Tories by the trick of promising Parliamentary Reform, and being safely in office, had thrown that notion overboard, told people to rest.and be thankful, and turned to foreign politics. As to these his policy had been “ meddle and muddle.” Néhil quod tetigit non—conturbavit. He was like Bottom, wanting to play every part, ineluding Moonshine and Lion, and like the latter, knowing when to roar like a sucking dove. (These pleasantries riled Eaat Joun, who could reply with nothing newer than that Ear. Epwarp had drawn on his memory for his wit, and on his imagination for his facts—O! O! O!) Then Lorp Durpy waxed grave, and let into his antagonist on a great number of points of foreign policy, hoping we were not committed to.a disastrous war with Germany, or to the betrayal of Denmark, who had trusted us. Lastly, the Earl declared | that the vessel of the State was in a most perilous position, and he had | no confidence in the incompetent hands of the Ministry. The Eart RussEtt was prompt to meet his foe, contradicted him | generally, and in detail, and afflicted the Peers by gommg at great length into the Schleswig-Holstein business, .The Danish Minister here had | enpreedy said that Denmark expected no material (which means physical) | aid from us, but only sympathy. A despatch from the Prussian Minister | stated that Prussia and Austria, though invading, meant to adhere to the | Treaty. (But please to wait until you have read something later.—P. ) | Fart Grey, the Heraclitus of the Peers, and Bart GRanvi.te, their | Democritus, having respectively wept and smiled over most subjects, the Address was voted, and the Lords adjourned at 9°35. Without adverting to what was threatened, or promised, in the Com-

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_ Fesrvary 13, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON. CHARIVAKIL mons (Punch waits for performances). be it said that Lornp Ricnarp Grosvenor, in the costume of a Cheshire Yeoman, moved the Address, which was seconded by Mr. GoscuEn, the junior Member for the City, and who is decidedly a clever man. Having thus made him happy for life, let us proceed to say that . o Ne Disrak1I delivered a slashing speech against Ministers generally, but chiefly against Lorp RussEut, to whose office Mr. Disrax.i has obtained his own consent to succeed, when the Tories and the Cockli- eranes come in. He considered that England was right im not going to Congress, but wrong in having refused in a rudemanner. As to Greece, we had done nothing but blunder, and though one could guard against an enemy, no human sagacity could bafile the unconscious machinations of Stupidity. As for Denmark, had no policy, but came to beg one from P. . a ‘8 diseourteous to the House of Commons—Iet-them be them humiliate the Commons, but not ask them to bear-responsibility, We kad alienated all our allies, and except the Kine or Dewmanx, have nota friend in Europe. Where were the papers whieh the House’ought to have ? Loxp Patwerston said that Ministers had a " and one'whieh the House would sup It was a Policy of Peace. It was odd that if we had no ‘allies, o ywers insisted on acting with us, and Franee, and Sweden joined us in calling on the Germans to halt. The Pagar made the same statement as Loxp Russeut had done about the undertaking by the Germans to respect the Treaty. He ised no end of rs,and wished anybody joy who had tovread and he ended with ‘some rather clever badinage touching the cruelty of Government in not giving Mx. DisRaELi a peg om er policy, a very good one, | te chance OUR RAILWAY KINGS AND COMMONS. Caution! Only look at this :— “It appears from Bradshaw's Manual that the Session will open with forty-seven Railway directors in the House of Lords, and, one hundred and fifty-three im the House of Commons.” ; ; People who complain of Railway Aggression may guess from this brief | paragraph what likelihood there is tint Parliament will look to the protection of their property. One might as well expect a parliament of poachers to pass an Act for the protection of pariztlens and pheasants, or a d prs ayy of pickpockets to a law for making theft a capital offence, as expect the present ment to protect our Capital (to say nothing of our interests) fromthe Railways which are threatening it. With two hundred —— to direct its demolition, London soon a will be so cut up that we e me Iaginden | ne where any ruler = ape a noble city wi fos any railway rubbish may be shot. Wherever he may it, a will find he eannot call his home his own ; for, as:soon as he-gets in it, his 4 t s are, will be required for some new Railway ; and if he moves into another, he will hardly get his’ things t when he again has to tara out. To judge by. what one sees, as as what one hears of, a residenee in London will soon not be procurable without a Railway and rumbling througli the cellar, or a Kailway running close by ona level with the drawing-room, or a y bridged across the street a few feet from the roof. , if schemes continue to pew in as they have done, we LLondonors may soon ex to see St. aul’s pulled down, and its ball and cross,stuck up to adorh a monster c which to hang an 5 > Only three other points arose on which’ Mr. Punch intends to remark. One was, that after the Government had made the semi-satisfactory statement about the Germans ‘and the Treaty, Simm Joun PaKiIncTON was rude enough to brimg out the fact that was an “if” in the| matter. The Germans will respect the Treaty, they say, if the Danes don’t fight too hard, or obtain assistance from any other power. What do you think of that, my Gatti? Secondly, Mr. 1 for the “indecorum” of saying), vented by the QUEEN Thirdly, Mr. Kuxeiaxeasked, what the people would say if we now went to war agnails-and eognacs—bother, we mean agnates and cognates, : ‘Then the Address was voted, and the Commons adjourned at 11°55. Friday. Tn the Lords the Cuance.1or, who was last year empowered to sell a number of small church-livings in_the gift of the Crown, was happy to announce that the article commanded a very high figure,in the market, and was much sought after. _ Mr. Wuiresive thought that Ireland ought to have been mertioned in the Speech, drew rather a melancholy picture of the condition of that country, and complained that the Chancellor of Ireland was wicked enough not to give away much patronage to the enemies of the Govern- ment. Sr Ropert Peet th that Ireland was getting on very well, and that there was no to make a fuss, Mr. O’Hacan defended the Irish Chancellor, boldly and ably. war with Germany liad been pre- HIGHLY PROBABLE. Sard Drxor'to Saaxsrears, “Tn eause to take spear And ride a filt all in your colours, Is what we aspire to, And England would fire to-~ We, your National Monument-mullers.” Said Saaksreare to Drxon, = MP 9x halfpence than kicks on ‘ y ough you’re anxious to é hence, I’m void you will find ps The Public inclined To present you with more kicks than half-pence.” LITERARY SMASHERS. Tue Americans are very fond of coining words. They do it almost as /extensively as Mr. Secretary Case prints greenbacks, and we doubt if the circulation of the one is much more valtable than that of the other. They are unquestionably the largest utterers of false notes in the world, so far as our lingual-eurrency is concerned. If “the pure well \of English” is to remain “undefiled,” no Yankee should be allowed | henceforth to throw mud into it. It is a form of verbal expectoration | that is most es. most detestable. This propensity for defiling that {which should be kept as pure as possible, has been greatly on the | increase within the few years. > that, ever singe the war began, the Yankees have been giving the English (and it has been a most savage way of displaying their autimosity) no'hing but dad words / said (and was rebuked by Mx. Gts>arons | deed, it is with pain we confess | terminus erected on its site. THE DROP AND WHAT NEXT? A Leaver in the Morning Post, insisting, not without some show of reason, that a ought to be hanged whether he goes mad or not, contains these words :— “With regard to the question of preparation for th ét world, that ht | equally be urwed against hanging nines atall. It loenaaae valid as a om | for not ox @ murderer gone mad setitence than it is as a rea¢on for | abulishing capital punishment altogether. To the murderer on this account is, to that extent, to hold out a positive and temptation to commit murder. But it is doubtful if amy reasonable person who reflected logically on the subject | really ever supposed that, as regards the murderer's future position, the very sus- | picious sort of repentance thatcan take during the very short interval between | sentence and execution, can make any difference one way or the other.” If it does not, to hang a man is to send him—whither ? Thither, whither because Hamlet wanted to send his uncle, he would not kell im when he found him at in If this is so, the farce of spiritual ministration to the condemned criminal might as well be abolished.’ If it is not so, then, as the Prince of Denmark remarks on the above-mentioned occasion, to put him to death is “hire and salary, not revenge.” Hanging seems to be infinitely too bad or too for a being who, like Mee Cassio, has “a soul to be saved.” If a man dies as a dog, hang a murderer like a dog, by all means. But if not, how then? Could secondary punishment be tried, with the under- |, standing that, in case of its failure as a preventive measure, the stronger |‘ remedy of hemp should be reverted to? ENGLISH PLAYS AND FRENCH CRITICS. Wes cite this from the Paris Correspondent of the Daily. Telegraph :— |: ‘*In the Petit Journal of to-day I read that Mr. Wesster, of the Adelphi, and his |, from London to Boulogne, and two special wagons train to Paris, and are about to perform here. first performunce will be the |: Maid of Lyons, and then Othello, Lear, As You Like It, and Hantlet. Fecurer has been offered thirty napoleonsa night to a Jon the ex pedi : article I quote, winds up by saying, * Let Wessren and his twelve artists come, and SHAKSPEARE and Lorp Byrok afd S#ertpaw Knowies, atid Garuick, and James, |: and all the British host ! We shall be im our stall, ready to weleome this demonstra- tion of English genius, and to call out the usual expression of success, ‘ All right!’ SHAKSPEARE we know, and Lomp Brrow we know, but who is James? Inthe “ British host” of novelists the name is not unknown, but the dramatic works of James by no means are familiar to us. a play by “ Wittrams,” it would be-a novelty to see a farce by James ; and we hope that: Mn. Wessten, when he returns from Paris, will let us have this treat. If he does so, like owr French friend, “ we shall be in our stall,” and ready to applaud the success of the per- formance by shouting out, as‘usual in our theatres, “ All right ! ” Horticultural. A Cuntrvatep Horticulturist writes to. ask us, “ On what ‘he can aft a Lapsus Lin a or slip of a tongue?” Caltivated H. had ndon etter wait for the Lo Season, and select some fine flowery speech. | Practical Gardener is fitting up a mew house, and wants to know | what pictures he could put im his drawing-room suitable to his every- |day work? We’ll tell him; “ Zhe Rake’s Progress.” ‘favourite interpreters of SHAKSPEARE,’ have taken twelve places in the steamer |; spéciaux—in the tion. The critic, whose |: After |.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruary 13, 1864. DOING A LITTLE BUSINESS. °* Old Equestrian. “ WELL BUT—YOU ’RE NoT THE Bor I tert my Horse with!” Boy. “ No, Str, I sist SPEKILATED, AND BOUGHT 'IM OF T’OTHER Boy For A HarpPenny?” TROTTING OUT THE HOBBIES. Come spinners of long stapled yarn For Parliamentary crochet, With chaff-loads, to St. Stephen’ s barn, Eh, vite, Messicurs, approchez ! Be it on spec, on sale, or view, Now trot out all your hobbies, Your thorough-breds and cock-tails too, Hacks, cart-horses, and cobbies. ms wy nye pee a hed-land, rom facts ani ploughe From the far-distant fields of taste, From high ideal Cloud-land ! Empty the mare’s nests, where your steeds awe left their eggs to d, whatsoe’er your hobbies’ ‘rood — to “ boot and saddle. Here Ta the over-trained old hack have been astride of ; Wh s had Jouw Russext on his back, Whom Dizzy’s tried a ride of. Poor old Reform! Through wear and tear, In spite of sprain and spavin, you Have still, so Bricut and Grson swear, A gallop for the Avenue! Abs} ! is this the high-bred colt All England once was sweet on— So hard to hold, so strong to bolt, pins so firm and fleet on : Engaged so deep, his friends scarce knew hich event to begin with,— The horse we backed till all was blue, The nag all stood to win with! Poor old hoss! you may put = BricuHt, In his flame-coloured jacke Quote Grsson’s tip, “the aaah. s all right,” «hy ith his cash will he back it P)— st and be thankful,” cries the friend, “Who tooled him once ’gainst Bossy ; The toughest nags must have an end,— Take home that hard-used hobby ! See where, behind, the string advance ! Hobbies out- -running mention : There’s Berxetey’s Ballot, Kineiake’s France, CospeEn’s Non-intervention : FirzGeraup’s Bounce, and WHALLEY’s Cry, Hennessy’s Roman Candle, Dizzy’s Caucasian Mystery ; Lennox’s Zownley-Scandal: , A weedy, washy, leggy lot, As ever og the paddock No more like winners of a pot Than sprat’s like Dublin haddock, Says Pam, with just a /eetle wink ver his wary shoulder,— ** Old Confidence is safe, T think Though he were ten years older! ” Fructiculitural Economy. An Ap -_ pie Order.—Those Horticulturists whe supply their om fruit puddings and tarts from their own garden, shoul care, as early as possible, to order the children to a commence ine apple-pie beds. _itWavd IW OT wenas “ews ‘od ‘tiogd svrw ‘anv. “ST'TV AA AO SSTONTHT

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x Zz — Fa) an S pon = _ — & & *. | i ‘POST ‘ET AMVNUTTY—TYVAIMVHO NOGNOT AHL YO ‘HONDd 4 J Z g & ° i) hd is) a & P ° = * cS cS S ‘= am! ] 5 ie 2) tH > =

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Feprvary 13, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 67 aE = REAL RAILWAY ADVANTAGES. Scens—The Consulting Room. at. the back of the house of Mz. Mae- NEESHER, the eminent M.D. Place, within very easy walking W distance of two mew Metropolitan Lines, which, of course go to Charing Cross, From the taindpws of the room can be seen an anything-but- distant view of the two New Stations with telegraph posts, ant Sanaa at work, Policemen, Porters, and Passengers moving to and fro; the whole conveying an idea of traffic and active Metropolitan Railway life. Without the aid of aglass can be plainly read, on the | Right Hand of the View, a large placard headed, Bayswarer, Boz. | LINGTON ARCADE, Carne Caoss, asp Boroven Line. Tragns | Every Five Mrinures!* Cuzar Fares! And on the Left Hgnd a larger placard, advertising Tue Brompton, Piccapiiiy, Ona-| RING Cross, BoroueH AyD BiroomsBuRY Lise, Trawvs pyery | Seven Minvutes! Capaper Fanas! Toce—Between Ten and Four. The Curtain rises to Pani slow music played before the front deor by an itinerant Organman, Mr. Macyeesuer discovered seated, Ipabing ever Sie head of Fees and Professional Tingagements. Front door bell rings. Enter Expuctep Femain eae avhose nervous system is somesohat Exp. Patient (dismally), Ab! Mz. 2 cena, Mr. Mag. (shaki r hand uw soaeliagla, and ooniey straight to the point.) Well, Mas. Mo ya are our apna, eh P Nervous You. don’t know what it is—butwhen- ever I— —(Railway™ Bell rings. Nervous Patient séarts o Good gracious! what ’s that—Fire—is it F—F—(is paralysed.) Mr. Mag. (assuringly). No, it’s only the— [Railway Be ~ Megine cheidhe histle screams like a war-whoop. Patient faints, Me. Macwexsuze rings ell. Enter Monraz, his men. Mr. Mag. Just— [Railway Bolle Syrsele ngings, As Mr. Mac- papers oe can’ tae me eek ke Poh ee what is required to his servant. Exit Servant, carrying oud oe Pariext info ax airier obey Enter immediately a ‘_ Consumezive Looxine Patrent. Mr. i: Ee, wy dg = ae ! “tate bells and arrivals of | digerel igs, i cor im consequence plaid the “ Up” eapress | Mr. ate has fat heard the first part of Patient’ s statement). Your | eye? [Takes’ out an unpleasant-laoking instrument "and approaches Con- as SUMPTIVe Patient. Cons. Patient htened). No! No! I UBhmeshiag of express covtapehoels gk dig of Porter, | are shupti egg, Ae other, Consumrrive Piasave trike hi Se ec oc, ren hath a 8. edema rn aaa al of @ momentary lull in the "Gen ” Patient —— the “ie in time). Lunes ! [Engines shriek—steam whistles—shunting—shouting —bells—trains starting and arriving. (Mr. Thexpaaare peas , Searte in pantomime that he will * sound” apne the stethescope. Several ] Mr. Maenersuer’s house is . Mx. Sn a ts jerked against Con- pie: Senta Patient, taking him sharply in the ribs with the Cons, Patient ( falli: in chair and tu [His mouth is still trains eo armas: iron rai stil] seen, to sane, kes fabs, nif peaking: he eol- lapses suddenly. Mr. Mag, (alarmed far tis reputation, Rings)—(Enter Monzar)— Just-— [ Whistles —shrieks —bells shouting —shunting —ungreased squeakings —iron-bridge rattling, $e. ae Expresswe ‘omime on the part of Ma. Maguansuer and Exit Mortar bearing out Second Victim. ‘aw MAGNEESHER shakes both — otal re an ped the Railway 8 something not cp, antl sits downy to pay AON af mn pecayany ay Narn nel A Pastorat EnrertaInMent.—German Reed’s by Shirley Brooks. FRENCH PROFESSION AND ENGLISH PRACTICE. Taz Bs page ny meapry ; w a Rowe. is te geongruaarg FPren it as Vanya toae ean!” Phe Imperial Brance undertake no fore’ weapsiiet preliminary con a@xcept in PI neg cake Recency pone nl Mistrust, however, not altogether matoonded, ai. Sait incline us to reeeive the foregoing announcement with it) f “Oh, ht? of of ae t with ltr sh haute ay ales | ‘ 0 2” J 0 u s tf) “ ” | What does i “ty ioe undaries of France? ‘Those -OUR LAW COURTS. In consequence of the mumerons inconveniences still existing in the legal “runs” out of the Warren of Westminster the Bench and Bar have determined, as there appears to be but chance of any alterations, additions, or improvements, Ad A to accom- | modate themselves to their unhappy circumstances. The officers of the | different Courts (to whom we ek, tender our best thanks—a legal tender we in our ignorance ag their courtesy) have }put us in | possession of some of the possib | In order to give a few seats to the Queen’s Counsel near the Judges, Justices BLACKBURN, MeLLon, Cromprow and Suez will sit in each other’s laps, turn and burn about. Jurymen. iz esse will adopt the same Jurymen ive posse will lic Petar Harcistocs wil naoat tet enior rs wi for the Junions who wil fo also squatting ot af ht gs baw the sas When Court, they kaoeln, te ag a ma vy ae ng owing their appear abov Scammer Counsel” to any Company shall ge ec at the term “ ‘Standing 0. The Public shall be at liberty to sit wherever Smoking allowed in every part of the Court, except in nye Refreshments.—Punctually at one 0 bmg » appl oranges,’ gingerbeer sad by those” Bm respectable and Lists of the Causes shall be she-vendors who have been ¢j — the 7 the Haymarket, Prineess’s, Lyceum and Adelphi will be a private Luncheon Bar for the Judges only the Court of Probate and Divorce: here there will be a ica Luncheon’ on the table d'héte principle, to be known as the Judge-O, A supply of hot-water bottles, wrappers, comforters and‘cloaks, and other protectors against the various.eurrents of air pouring in from all sorts of unexpected quarters, will be let out. by the Ushers and other Officers of the Courts at a fixed tariff, The Attorneys shall sit in their own draughts. These practices will be probably adopted on the first of April. The Great German Knavy. | ‘Dee Cabinets of Berlin and Vienna are said to have"given assurances that the integrit AS of the Danish monarchy would be preserved. Tt would be a fine thing if they could preserve their own; but there is too much reason to fear that they haven’t got any.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruary 13, 1864. / M sad tage MUD b Loy i} hae AP Si wer, he ATM —_— EXPRESS. Old Gent. “‘ Tas OscinLaTIoN IS VERY UNUSUAL, Sir, isn’t IT? WE SEEM TO BE GOING A TREMENDOUS Pacz!” Swell. “ Aw—ya—as! THEY’RE MAKING UP FoR Lost Time. I’VE JUST TIMED "EM, AND WE’VE DONE THE LasT NINE Mixes IN Srx MINUTES AND A-HALF. Have A SMASH PRESENTLY AW—THINE!” THE WAR AND PEACE TAX, Tuwe—“' The Dogs’ Meat Man.” ARounD our necks a millstone hangs, Whose weight occasions cruel pangs ; We shift the burden to our backs: And contrive to 5° about beneath an Income-Tax. Ri tol, &c. A: This stone is one that often grows, A grievous increase of our woes, Like donkeys under added sacks, We endure an augmentation of the Income-Tax. Ri tol, &e. The cost of war this Tax defrays ; Almest all that its payer pays. When Government more money lacks, Then they just put up the figure of the Income-Tax. Ri tol, &. OPN Vii ' vwe —— yy Se em o UV So, when the oppressed for succour shriek, Or when the strong attack the weak, To interfere we’re loath and lax, Save the classes unaffected by the Income-Tax. Ri tol, &. This fact aggressive peoples see, And tyrants contemplate with glee, Lo,:now how bold those rascals wax In reliance on the pressure of our Income-Tax ! Ri tol, &e. , The Peace Society may too Approve the action of that screw, ore formidable than the rack ’s, That eae | hs pacific plague the Income-Tax. i tol, &c. So thrift makes cowards of us all, On whom a partial tax doth fall ; "Tisn’t that we care for cuts and whacks, But we = wt an addition to the Income-Tax. i tol, &e. And that we know that we must pay For every war-trump that shall bray, Each gun that booms, each shell that cracks : We’re my oe peace bound over by the Income-Tax. tol, &c. SHUTTING ’EM UP. Quire right, Mr. Yarpizy (Beak), and continue to be as firm as Yardley Oak, celebrated by Cowrer. It is quite time to put a stop to the system of making a Police Court a sort of sub-editor’s room, where flimsy ” is received in order to its publication in the newspaper. The Magistrates have enough to do without listening to statements to which people desire to give publicity. Punch s with satisfaction that the representatives of the General Omnibus Company (and by the way, why are the weekly receipts of that Company published every week, any more than the “takings” of Jonzs the butterman, and Fry the tripeman of the New Cut, respectively ?) were thus received by the respected YARDLEY :— - +> gees Leer em ing the pee aiet & to claim your indul- gence for a few momen’ reference to an application w! appears in the rs of this morning, and which was heard here on Saturday last. . send * Mr, — The application heard here, and you say it appears in the ne pers “Mr. Witkinson. Yes, Sir. “Mr. Yarpiey. I cannot listen to you. You must address yourself to the newspapers. “ Me. Witxrnson. I only wish to make a statement that—— “ Mr. Yarpuey. Stop, Sir. I will not allow this Court to be made the arena for a public discussion of what app in newspap y~ = D pone meget _—_ — —_— be heard, when ARDLEY e no con’ over the newspapers, and therefore he could not interfere in the matter. Bret “ Mr. Witxinson and Mr. Cuurca then retired.” A very proper thing to do. Some persons seem to think that a Hegistase sits to be talked to, and they act as the French actor did in the farce of Parlez au Portier. Seeing the inscription, he pretended to take it for an invitation to general conversation, and insisted on engaging the enraged Cerberus in gossip on every topic of the day. Mr. YaRrpzzy does well to repress such attentions. If they, are to be permitted, we shall have gentlemen making a pleasant morning round of calls at the police-offices, favouring Mr. Knox with opinions on the new play, ane oP plot of the new novel for the benefit of Mr. ARNOLD, congratulating Mr. BurcHam on ne ee of the new Garrick Club, and finishing off by enlightening Mr. Pacer (very glad to see you on the Bench, Mr. Pacer, to which you will be an ornament) with an analysis of the Schleswig-Holstein question. Mr. YARDLEY ag a thanks of his brother Magistrates, and receives those of v. unch, ITALY. Ir was with considerable pleasure, my dear Mr. Punch, that I read the following announcement some days ago in the Zimes :— “While laying the pipes, three old paved streets were discovered, and the remains of an old Port and some columns.” ‘ There’s a treasure to set before a Pope! Why, Mr. Punch, you can’t now-a-days get a glass of an old Port, the genuine thing I mean, for love or money. I hope His Holiness, or whoever has become the owner, will at once see the urgent necessity of putting their old Port into the Pipes. Thank Goodness there are very few non-conformists among the Italian workmen ; I tremble to think what would have been the fate of this glorious wine, if the labourers who ‘discovered, it had been Shakers. : Animus and Mens. Accorpinc to the United Service Gazette, a new military crime has just been discovered at head-quarters. It is called animus, and seems to mean giving evidence against a superior officer. Whatever animus may have been displayed in some quarters, there is very little. mens discernible in others.

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Fesrvary 13, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 69

A NOVEL TEMPERANCE * MOVEMENT. THE CAMBRIDGE PRIZE POEM.—DENMARK. CoRRESPONDENT in a news- AND viet ’s this German-Danish row about ? think I know. paper the other day, speak- Gormene mean cl ro (it ap cesta Where’er they like, the Baltic in and out’; in France, Cox,’so do not And when you look the. map upon, turn to Otaheite), informed Pleasant it does not us that— That Copenhagen sh ve been Placed as it were, right up marrow spout, Pie naan Tee ceo ben Vv big ships it i to send, ‘aeaanda ~y ery big ships it is no use for the second of an article : < i ecause big ships are seen utility, which from its D on nature must naturally throw ac ‘ Nor doth the case itmend = peony ee If the big guns do plamp their shot, last twelvemonth the public -And whether eold or . pomp, with all its gear, has Out of the way, is the best way to keep, cotenane of the Fonteine For if they hit, wood-work will surely rend. du I © stealing a Pee, with per Lay oem oan he Bo-emtenretion there” ges, _Were we ever so much Germans and Danes must all the fighting do, given to pa gupbon ere Perhaps the toeritosial slice mania, a ‘tainly nich at the last is sure to go the wonll ee wo amead| ggnialvar cas 9 Bory i Pay: loan cdstealing, “We Might grieve his poor heart through and through. Could fancy a man stealing an old wine-cask or a beer-barrel, for the scent of the There also is Joun Butt, liquor might linger there still, and there might be ibly a of good stuff Something must do— in it. But not even a A we should think, would steal a pump, unless If not something will think,— the same time could purloin the spring that served it. To be sure, a pump Unless he finds his purse is not too might possibly be sold, although it were a second-hand one ; or if it were put up the So that from home he really cannot go, spout, a trifle might be borrowed on it. But with the thermometer Zero, a At all events he must not wink man must be a pump himself to five much for a,pump, and the person who could At robbery, without he strike a blow," steal it must be wo’ cool-handed. And if the rogue he catch, his ears must pull.

NEW NOTICES OF MOTION. TELEGRAMS WITH NOTES. Now that Parliament has met again, to the high — of every-| We have to thank Mr. Revver for the following news :— body, we hope to hear of the following Notices of Motion being shortly | |“ Pamcr Frenericx Cuarces, of Prussia, employed 74 guns in the attack upon given pa Missunde yesterday. A Notice of Motion to be at all times given to the lazy cabmen, who Artillery of aggression. go crawling about the streets with empty cabs, thereby tarving London ** Missunde was in flames.” costing A eaeneS RAE namiibeet en energetic | nomnarice| ceeding at a ; no consist of an energetic! «, intimation that these do-nothing cabmen, are to hasten at once to the ae a» yeuteaday VenaE by 6,600 Exnetien troops and nearest, cab-stand, and there patiently await their hiring, or else to retire , with due convenient speed. : ‘Shem mes ” em ae Be ; otion to be given to all ny poe et Oa eat ery ted of nine companies 0} try and two squadrons o

senger’s toes, if no greater A Notice of Motion to be given | drivers of all Pioxrorn’s vans | was represented we know, and so were the Persian slayes, Thermopyle and railway goods’ carts, conveying a similar caution to the above, | over again, but with a difference :— by vie eee they would not —_ ° mene ~ nor de ney “The Prussians made two attacks, but were repulsed.” so many lives, nor subject their masters expenses in shape of compensation money. as , Bumh A Notice of Motion to be given to the contractors of the Middle- | ,.,, tne” sf Sret left their dead and wounded on the field, but the greater part were Level Drainage Scheme to get on with their subterranean work a little ete ee ' , more quickly, as their long line of huge wooden traps, continually} Bad luck to the survivors! Miscreants! foaming, howling, and vomiting, do not materially add to the freedom,| ‘‘The Danish loss was from 150 to 200, including three officers killed and four or the safety, of the passage of the thoroughfare, and certainly do not | Wounded.” contribute largely to the acknowledged beauty of the Metropolis. Glory to the brave ! A Notice of Motion to be given to the concocters of the various Metropolitan Railways to carry their schemes elsewhere, with the : a a polite message that our streets are already wullcieatiy crowded, ugly Slaughtering and Sleighing. noisy, and dangerous, without requiring the additional interference af Waitmve from New York the.other day, “ Mannattan ” tells us :— - one , defacing, dealaing, co prenance, Bie eG I eM . . é : otice 0 Motion to perem . 1ven to organ-grinders . eo sielgning 18 80 _ y Q © New lorkers and strangers who can enjoy and green baize bands, that the a. transport themeelves and their |Sefergeeite srest cll war and ita consequences, | Morrilp gad milion of sai. ie F ng y cessation. One-tenth of the discordant instruments to Italy and Germany with the greatest pos- | costly furs that are aired every day would make warm the shivering und half frozen sible speed, ae ean to Fem seswery wat, Roa no ae are i armies of the Potomac.” remain for ever and ever, under the extreme fear of being either gro Until poor human nature be much altered for the better, we cannot or blown to death the moment they set foot in this country again. : erty ; expect that people who make money by a war will manifest much grief If the above Notices of Motion could only be carried into execution, | for it. Still we think that the New Yorkers might show a more proper they would do a great deal more good than the many puerile vapid | feeling for those whose sons or fathers have perished in the war, were questions which are being perpetually put to Ministers, and which never | they to let their sleigh-bells sometimes ring a muffled peal. lead to any practical result, and which Notices, by the way, never have ony gee = at = stopping almost invariably at the very point FOR THE USE OF SCHOOLS. y . Q. Wao was Minerva? | A. The Goddess of Wisdom, who sprang out of Jupiter’s “ nué” Derinition or a Nava Encacement.—A Water Mill. | armed like a Colonel. th ine, oy ee they ly turn a corner.} ‘Thermopyle over again—but who was Leontpas? The brute Xerxes

as ™

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fepruary 13, 1864. SPORTING RECOLLECTIONS.—SCIENCE APPLIED TO DEER-STALKING. | pay fy) i} fi Didi | at | ¢ Se = SSS eee 0 No povust asout THs Resutt!!! \! ae, g aes oe @ os “I; al dij TTP TrrompHant RETURN. N.B. The Luggage is rather a Bore, and the Venison gets rather knocked about. Ditnges ty Witten Boao pat me 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of inters, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, ia the Parish of St. Bi ide, City London.—Sarunpar, February 13, 1864.

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Feorvary 20, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 71 | We expect to be told that this national solemnity is regu- | larly enacted, at stated seasons, in the Town Hall of Stromness, and as it would have been abolished by the | indiscriminate prohibition of dancing, the resolution against a that amusement was so worded as to allow a gentleman to dance there by himself to his admiring countrymen. THE ENVY OF THE WORLD. pu ie notions ew itr yd hate us! ow they do vi us ! If they could pence. tre us Oh, how happy they would be! What can we have done to fire them, With the that doth inspire them, Not to do what we desire them, When we leave them all so free ? Occupied with peaceful labour, Ne’er do we attack a neighbour ; If we ever draw a sabre, *Tis but to return a blow. Never, basely acting under Love of glory or of plunder, Do we launch our British thunder Unprovoked on any foe. All in turn attempt to use us, Find they can’t, and then abuse us, Being able to accuse us Not of ne bey unjust ; But it seems that we, old Ocean’s Sons, with our peculiar notions, In the midst of their commotions Stand unmoved ; to their disgust. Then we won’t adopt their phrases ; Treat their theories as crazes ; Their bombast our laughter raises, And their idols we eschew ; ss Don’t revere their superstitions, And their priestly exhibitions, ANECDOTE OF THE FROST. Ceremonies, impositions, they thnk ht to do; Sly Gentleman (pretending to look at exposed thermometer). “ QuiTE THIRTY, BY As they we ought to do; Jove!” Smile when they upbraid and chide us, Young Lady Cousin (who has stopped by the most perfect accident). “ I’M NOTHING And, wherein they can’t abide us, OF THE KIND, SIR; AND THE IDEA OF YOUR PRETENDING NOT TO SEE ME,” When = sneer at and deride us ; Laughing at our own expense. ES rapt = ons ds and faces Not alone, like other races, = STROMNESS cage Which in Continental place, Some persons are said to be “too far north” to do anything foolish. Whether Gives the natives great offence. this saying holds universally good may — be questioned by persons of different intelligence who may read the subjoined extract from the Orkney Herald :— And, what vexes most the nations, “A Veto upon Danxctnc.—The Town Council of Stromness have decided by a majority that We, for all solicitations, — ‘ promiscuous dancing’ shall not be allowed within the Town Hall. Promiscuous dancing, we Out. of all their complications ppose, means dancing engaged in at the same time by the two sexes. In these circumstances | “Keep ourselves with constant will ; the Council might as well have ado; Councillor Dunnet’s amendment, ‘That no dancing in ° ° f > should be allowed at all,’ as a ball for ladies or gentlemen separately would be an absurdity never | W eigh their auguries as a feather ; heard of beyond the moral region of Strathbogie.” In their spite our troubles weather ; Round us while they rage together : Go right on, and prosper still. The “Spurgeon Quadrilles,” we believe, originated in a joke made, or said to have been made, by Mr. SpurcEon in one of his sermons. A ball for ladies separately would be in effect a ballet, and appears not to have been prohibited, but on the contrary to have been sanctioned by the resolution which forbids “ pro- miscuous dancing” in the Town Hall of Stromness. That is the necessary THE DROP UNDER THE MICROSCOPE. conclusion. from the fact, that the amendment, which simply proposed that no it ; j dancing should be allowed at all, was rejected. It does not perhaps equally! Some. objection has been raised to the alleged barbarity follow that the Town Councillors of Stromness contemplate the permission, in their | of hanging seven ¢ s at once. The simultaneous all, of balls composed exclusively of male dancers. If, however, they are fanatics execution of any number of malefactors can be admitted to of the Strathbogian delusion, there is no saying of what lunes they are incapable. be wrong only on the general ground of an acknowledgment A sort of balls, formed by gentlemen separately, used to be danced in the Temple of the immorality of capital punishment. If it is right to by the learned Judges and the Bar, in conformity with ancient custom. Perhaps | hang one man it is seven times as right to hang seven. the municipal authorities of Stromness are addicted to some such a venerable, The execution of seven wrong-doers differs from that of one though ludicrous, practice. On certain high days and holidays it may be that, as | only as a septet differs from a solo. There isno reason why men of business, they are in the habit of dancing ceremonial jigs in their Town|a gibbet should not be a seven-stringed instrument. Hall with their own partners. | Granted, the rightfulness of the gallows, and “We are It may be, however, that these gentlemen, who do not object to dancing, but | Seven” is as good a neck-verse as any other. On the only to dancing with ladies, will seriously put forth a conceivable explanation of| contrary supposition a septuple execution is a sevenfold their reason for disallowing promiscuous cing, and yet declining to disallow wickedness, and the instinct that hesitates at hanging seven cing as such. There is an exhibition, which our eyes have seen, performed | people at once, whereas it would not scruple to hang one at at certain Scottish fétes by agigantic Sawney in plaid petticoats. It consists in | a time, is only a purblind moral sense, which, in order to be the execution, to a fast tune on the bagpipes, of a pas seul between the blades of| enabled to see that an evil is an evil, requires it to be two claymores disposed on the ground, in the form of a St. Andrew’s Cross. | magnified. VOL, XLVI, I

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON GHARIVARL [Feprvary 20, 1864.

mortality. A nervous man comes home fagged MUSICAL MANSLAUGHTER. out with hie ‘day's wank, and instead of getting a Y quietly his after-dinner nap, he is kept awake an EAR Ma. Powcu,—' Pees: irritated by a beastly Or perhaps laugh at me if you will, ° he is an artist, or a poor of a writer, and too may your readers—people | directly he sits down to work, some street-music who read Punch of course X-| strikes up, and he loses ‘kalfam-hour or more in Lage to have a Se other y| vain attempts to stop it Small as they may o not mind st ‘i |seem to men robust amd vigorous, these annoy- am @ nervous Mam. y suc) ances are greatly felt. by men of weaker health den sound is apt to shatter my| whose bras are overworked. Indeed, I am nerves terribly, aud A post-/ not at all sure but that street-music often man’s double kx will make | brings such victims to the doeter, and, by con- my heart Fy a my mouth. | sequence perhaps, to the undertaker also. I know You may e then what I) if T were on a jury where a death were traced suffer fromthe torture of street- | t> nervous or cerebral causes, and supposing it music, and how the were shown that the deceased disli ; ins play the very Pre) music, I should do my very utmost to persuade Diavolo with my poor weak} my brother jurymen to find at once a verdict of nerves. In vain I ask police-|« Musical ughter by misereamts un- men to take the matter @P,/known.” Viewed.as to its ‘effect wpon men : enders also. sensitive in nerve, a street-organ is not merely police have bands themselves, | sy instrument of torture, but an instrament of and have a fellow4eeling for! death. and if indifferent musicians. Bat} stows man to why not go and state my| would let hi grievance at head-quarters, and petition Parliament to free me from the muisamee ? Well, you kifow the off-hand ; way in which itioms -are : presented, and then chucked aside, and never afterwards alluded to. Besides, the swells who sit in Parliament live mostly in big houses, where the squeals of a street-o: can never fairly penetrate. So you see they don’t believe in the torments I, and such _as I, continually endure, amd they fancy our com-| not be plaints are ill-founded and ridi . 1 suppose they will next say that there are no such things as barrel-organs, beeause it may so happen that they never chamee to hear them; and Pwd that they may —— : —_ rea no preg as ve sinee they ges to he so League may soon be pat in ortunate as not to be tormen ythem. Bu ey won't believe my word, perhaps they the needful will believe the Times, and, speaking of the reeent tables of mortality, this is what that jourmal ae cosres the Siaremaeas So Gam lately said upon the subject :— With double windows to my-stady, and wool ** Diseases of the brain and ‘nervous system killed nearly two hundred Londoners in a single week of last in both my ears, I beg leave to subscribe myself month.” as well as my poor nerves will suffer me, The Zimes insinuates that this was chiefly caused by overwork, and I won’t deny that FERDINANDO FLUTTER. such may partly have occasioned it. But street music is, to my mind, the chief cause of the| Aspen Lodge, Tuesday.

ACTING UPON SUGGESTIONS. “ PACKE’S VOBISCUM!” Mr. E. T. Sarru, the present energetic Lessee of Astley’s, announces} Tw Zeicester Journal is an excellent r, and we dare say that its to the world in his unobtrusive advertisement that :— art-critic is an excellent art-critic. But tn noticing a portrait which has “ It will be his study to attend to every that will add to the comfort | just been painted, depicting Mr. Packer, M.P., for South Leicestershire, ong oe as ne teen Sees have bean suggested for subscribers, | that critic uses rather an equivocal expression:— The following suggestions are offered through the medium of our | exccedingly well as he & tins represented, ana the plotare itacif fe commendable as a aa ory fed — y bee most influential perso Sa ain work of art.” That the Lessee at his own expense should send carriages to the) ‘The praise, if somewhat general, is not immoderate, like the gushing rivat resdenses of ll hone Patron who hare secured senna 27 <¢|culocies in which London ee indulge themselves,” Bu the nt tha . , 'ACKE looks well only in the picture is, we a breac = aad oe wy their entrance shall not disturb anybody after the| (f the privileges of Parliament, and we suggest that the editor be called That a select body composed of the loveliest Coryphées shall receive to the bar of the House. a oe ms ce, and spri with eau-de-cologne the pocket-hand- erchiefs of such as ma; ire it. THE hat to each row of seats throughout the House there should be POETRY OF RAILWAYS. ne a fuide capable of explaining the intricate mysteries in which| Ratzway Companies are anything but poetical, and yet what a pictu- the present Piece is volved, and to prevent the people from leaving | resque notion of London must be conveyed to the thoroughly provincial after the First Act under the pleasant impression that it is all over. mind by the announcement of a Line to run right through “ Holborn That there should be a Turkish Bath, a Hairdresser’s Establishment, | Valley.” We must write the words once again, for we seem to inhale a Smoking | , Reading Room, a Drawing Room for Ladies, Telegra-| breath of fresh country air, and are inclined to babble of green fields, phic Station, and Library attached to the establishment. __ . |murmuring brooks and shady nooks, as we write down—Holborn The Ladies suggest that Mr. Sarr should combine his Dramatic! Valley. It reminds us of the time when that much maligned monarch, — on Nery — Show furnished with the best specimens of | Richanp THz TuiRp, inquired of the Bishop,— Spat es ct ho uteuils. ** My Lorp or Ey, when I was last in Holborn, I saw good strawberries in your Garden there.”

A Trifle from Gibraltar. An International Pigeon Shooting Match is about to be held in the Cre-fydds’ Family Fare. Benth of Bruin ond thet tie enticle tinal a . oa. in the Sucu is the title of the thousand and first, just added to the thousand 4 cookery-books already in existence. “Cre-fydds” we presume to the Cymric form of “GrirritHs;” but surely a book devoted to _ Crickerine anp FasnionaBie [yretiicence.— We hear that adis-| “ Crefydds’ Family Fare” is rather a superfluity, seeing that we have tinguished member of the Cricketing Eleven of All England is going to be | always understood that family fare to consist exclusively of Welsh married. It is said that the object of his affections is a Beautiful Catch. | rabbits, leeks, and ewrw.

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Fesrvary 20, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 73 ‘PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Fesruary 8, Monday. The Lords, like friends (according to a late | Peer named Byroy), “ met to part.” But the Judicial Committee of the bow = fag” wage met for an important purpose = sag to deliver judgment in the case connected with Essays and The Lorp ecm opm tr gave it, the BisHor or Lonpon and gome Law Lords t. The sentence which Dr. Lusuixeton passed upon _ ed Se ee the Rzv. Mz. Wison was reversed, and th ordered to pay the Reng .. the appeal touching needlessly upon a very grave subject, it may be stated | are itted to disbelieve that ri word the most terrible of Calvi- gland has Repose with Austria and Prussia for sanctioning the proclamation of the Sehleswig-Holstein Pretender. This is intends to do, seeing no réason to imitate the sane, farmer who he had “xemonstrated” with an insolent and being asked to | what effect, but t fly, but that owed earnest- | the Germans. that malt, for their food, may be qu of the weight is to be linseed op rane agai The men pleased of bullocks” GLapsTONE Pets measure for im the character of | our Tax-Collectors. also ‘proposes that all be demanded | | by post, instead of letting a & Collector come to your house when you are out, or m an ill-temper, or have not the money handy. e think that | toking ao py how the ladies hate the very es, > of tax, and | ow im: it’ is | things must be, P to be in cases where | | Materfamilias, in excessive disgust at the demand for money, has flung the notice into the fire, or rammed it into one of the vases on the chimney- piece, so that it has been buried under spills, ends of string, | the handle of that drawer, the solitaire marble the child left on the rug, | the brass nail, the box of Cocxue’s, and the — in aid of the Society for Promoting Christianity among the English Then did Str Grorce Grey second to deal with Dr. Crawxy CrackER and his accomplices. After endeavouring to justify himself in | the matter of the person who ought to be the late "G. Town ey, he introduced a Bill for altering the machinery by which mad doctors pen between criminals and justice. Instead of leaving an attorney to select any two Justices whom he thinks will favour his client by | selecting Cranky Crackers to inquire into the state of his’ mind, the Visiting Justices of the Gaol are, exclusively, to select medical men in cases Lowry @ ch doctors are to be registered practi- tioners, so hundreds of little men, who can be hired to say anything, will be excluded. Next, the certificate i is not to be final, but the Home SECRETARY may order further i inquiry. This plan does something for the ion of Society, though not much. There was a debate, in which a general opinion was expressed that Sm Grorcz Grey could ag’ 4 have done otherwise than he did with Townxey, and in which Secretaries, having to a Many estimable persons coul — in the world, and eBN00 a ths ented = GeorGE upon the ess beg: which he had resisted en and other ure in the case of Wricut, which firmness | Sm Joun thought did the Home Secretary “ infinite credit.” But | he thought that TownizEy ought to have been hung. Mr. Mitner Grsson had a Committee of five a appointed, tom to” at a similar Committee of Lords, and to take all the Metropolitan Railway schemes into consideration. If these ten gentlemen do their duty, they Lyd = of such responsibilities. | ood many agonies for a front Sm Jonny PaxincTon com- Railways that will be a boon to London. “If” is a little word, but | there is a world of meaning behind and before it. Punch does not think the Committee well selected, with seemence to its special duty. Th ] members are chiefly remarkable for being very conversant with the forms of the Houses. Tuesday. Danish talk, of course, in the Lords, and a strongly worded —" from Lorp REsTANDBETHANKFU, in favour of wislliee reaties mt The Duxe or Somerset speaks. ‘“ We have not as yet a good broadside gun for the Navy.” Need we add a word ? / Danish talk in the Commons, and Lorp Patmerston believing that Austria and Prussia will give up Schleswig-Holstein when the Consti- tution shall have been po If they do, the King having offered all she ~Lorp said Them) to make them understand why such | allowed RIGHT expressed his surprise that men could long act as Home will make a clean sweep of a host of plans, and construct a system of | St | to zevplan it without war, and land having offered to be witness | to his engagement that he s the deaths ofall who hare een | slain in the fights are simply atrocious M’ by the Kine OF Polen and the EmPERor OF nag Mr. Seymour Firzceranp gave the Ministers” a well-deserved wigging for not a the Danish pay Max. Laranrp said that they would take three weeks to print. Send them to the Times,” said Lorp Dersy, when Pier a wy 4 reply; we should then have had them in eight-and- iota aes . ae to the rescue, but could make no case. be that the Boma ws the House require three weeks, tat a0 sk wan Enemies the documents would be wanted, why back as as — ste ok IN moving a ie sketched with some power ust have caused in planes cf F were not nine-tenths rly, in ago? Echo answers that Government mean Kinciake condemned o co Lap am amusing speech, defended alll that had been did not believe that the had been so awful as was as Orientals were accust It. for writing letters on own business, which was to Paimer said that we 4 wd 1 that Apwamat Kurer had behaved = dg Wuirssme, of course dissented, and | complimented the commercial ers for condemning an act per- | of trade. Lop Patmenston’ made a long and | had nearly i written Cheeky—defence of the whole proceeding, mee mem no British Admiral would ever be fired upon without | the fire. He a age to move the ae oe qrocation, that | - co prevent the expression of the House, but the Commons would not stand this, and divided (which it is very unusual to do-so early in the Session) when 164 voted the it was right to burn Kagosima, and 85 thought it was wrong. , and on, which we make. the actors and actresses go out their in order that somebody may a) Lent lien apenance. The Houses made holiday, and we hope enjoyed salt-fish and egg-sauce. We didn’t—the fish was hard, and there was not nearly enough sauce; but such is life. Thursday. Lory Dersy wanted the Steam Rams papers, and Lorp RuvssELL would not give them, alleging that the 7 aimee might | injure the Government case. Aries is giving Taurus a deal of bother. Greenwich Hospital has been discovered to be a perfect marvel of | misappropriation of funds, and petty annoyances to inmates. We never could understand why the old Salts looked so gpa crusty when we beheld them sunning their old wrinkles as we strolled up from the | Railway to Mr. QuarrerHaRt’s and Mrs. Marne’s. But the whole | business is to be overhauled. Mr. Giapstone proposed to enable the Scotch banks to issue some | new bank-notes to nd others that had “lapsed.” The £1 paper is | very convenient, and when a Scotchman finds twenty shillings he can } always make a note of it. Ferran the Furious, in his usual wild bull of Bashan fashion, | demanded the names of all persons who have ever acted as Charity | Commissioners. The bull was appropriately answered by one Lows. The names are to be given. There is reform-work to be done in this | direction, but scarcely by the Fiery Frmranp. Friday. The conflagration of the Ballet, and ‘the means ‘of escape provided for an audience in case of fire, were subjects which occupied the Commons for a few minutes, Lorp Sypyey, pa pam — written to the en-rooms, advising caution. ADY Many? We will. Singeth the corps of “ Jesuits of the shaun “ae s children, fears forgot, dance, Lorp SYDNEY's care ; And what is much a We’ atk ee B., came & debate about the Federal cruisers, and there were very rong expressions of dissatisfaction at the outrages they commit 2 — vessels. But Lon» PALMERSTON assures us the Ame Government. is always very civil and sorry. haaears, 2 gs by Federals is now alleged, and though New York is not J ; we really think that some little notice o ught to be taken of the affair. As M | Keerey says in 2wice Killed, “Tf it’s murder, mention it.” R, Unparliamentary Intelligence. ~~ Cabmen drinking beer together at the bar of the Spotted Dog, one of them made a questionable statement eto a circumstance which had oe the week before. Whereupon the other said “ end s unhistorieal.” His companion promptly retorted, “You ’re enother ! 7”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruary 20, 1864. bs ath: ie : ia. ' ca INS SS gee We SOS YN | AOS SESS 3 INN ¥ ¢ ww ‘ Fz. a me \ AP re — r ‘ L 4 44 - pom —-. — —sF fA ti Ade 7 » Md: lay ‘ COMPLIMENTARY. Farmer. “ Morwim’, Mr. Buank! NEVER saw YOU GO SO WELL BEFORE” Mr. Blank. “ Way, wHaT DO YER MEAN? WE’VE NEVER FOUND A Fox!” Farmer. “ Au! Bor I MEAN SO WELL FROM CovER To CovER, you KNow!” INHUMANITY IN MAN. From a statement by Mr. Sypney Hopezs in the 7imes, confirmed by the Commissioners in Lunacy, it appears that the treatment of manners of the Manxmen are not speedily amended in this particular, we shall be obliged to propose that the Isle of Man shall henceforth be called the Isle of Brute. : : The inhumanity with which ‘the insane are treated in Man cannot, however, be dismissed with this remark. To the communication of Mr. Hopezs abovementioned is appended the following letter :— ** Office of Commissioners in Lunacy, 19, Whitehall Place, 8.W., Jan. 28. “ Sir,—I have laid before the Commissioners in Lunacy your letter of the 25th inst. ‘and its enclosures. I am desired by them to state, in reference to the case of jee em neglect of a lunatic in the Isle of Man, they have been long aware of the equacy of the provision for lunatics in that Island. The Government in that Island are at present taking active measures to build a proper asylum ; but asa considerable time must elapse before this can be done, the Commissioners have drawn the attention of the Secretary of State to the desirability of ee immediate and temporary dation for these lunati e jurisdiction of this Board does not, however, extend to the Isle of Man; and I am therefore desired to state that the Commissioners do not see what course can be taken in regard to the case mentioned in Mr. Peacock’s letter and pamphlet other than bringing it, as he already has done, under the attention of the Lieut t-Governor. “Lam, Sir, your obedient servant, ““W. C. Sprine Ricg, Secretary.” For ingenuous simplicity if this document can be matched, let the pattern to it be sent to Mr. Punch. The Commissioners “ have long been aware of the inadequacy of the provision for lunatics in that island.” Have they indeed? Then how came they, all along, not to bring it under the cognisance of the Secretary or State, and not to suggest to that Minister “ the desirability of making immediate and temporary accommodation for these lunatics,” pending the establishment of per- manent provision for them, along time ago? Why did they wait to be instigated to make a tardy representation to Government by Mr. | Sypney Hopers? Were they afraid that they would be snubbed by “Sypner Hopaes, Esq.” the Home Office, and desired to mind their own business exclusively, | fear of this kind, and did not dare to communicate with the Lunatics in the Isle of Man is very barbarous and disgusting. If the | ECRETARY till and take no notice of brutalities not perpetrated simply within the limits of their jurisdiction? If, with any reason, they — any OME they were furnished with an excuse for taking that liberty, then the only fellow to Sim Gzorce Grey is Caprarin SPEKE’s dark friend the African Monarch, who orders his wives to execution for a breach of etiquette, when they presume to offer him anything to eat. In that case these poor Commissioners are to be pitied and condoled with as cramped and fettered by bonds of the most preposterous red tape. Otherwise they may be considered as comparable to Caprarn Spreke’s other dark friends, the African ladies, who are fed and fattened and kept doing nothing, till, like our own prize pigs, they are unable to stand. And then curiosity would like to ascertain the united weight of the Commissioners in Lunacy, and to know if they pane wher Mr. Sypney Hopegs, in promoting their office, stirred them up. The Commissioners of Lunacy allowed years to roll by before they attended to the ill-treatment of lunatics beyond their jurisdiction. Are they not all descendants of the gentleman who would not cry at a pathetic sermon because it was preached out of his parish P A Kind Suggestion. Say the paragraphists,— “ The Conservatives have established a new organ in London, called the Realm.” Hadn’t they better have called it the Ream, as at once easier to the news-boys, and as indicating the probable amount of the circulation ? FIRES IN THEATRES. Mr. Dion Bovcicautt has addressed a letter to the Hra on this subject. This talented gentleman ought to an excellent authority upon the easiest modes of egress from those places, which may have, at any time, become too hot to hold him.

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| | | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Fesrvary 20, 1864, dy | | iV, ae, oS OF “Vp Py is i - pe: PSN ITT 7 i P74 yen vy Wt | : H ‘| | ares \ 7 SRE | yi a VA H WY) ld o, SV WS SSS SN ~ ——— N ( \ SS RSS SNS “SSRASSSS S F SSN NG ~ SRA — SSS Sn $$ a ~“ — = a aa VM fp \' | () | WM ig Cz - GiB \ ” WV oes Se SS SSSSSS = SSS Sera Ss ANY NY. . iy NS NS SS \“ \ NS SN A Ue 7 . | ( 4s) mani Ua N . » \ ~ \ \\ ww } | | } | ' 4 = a N f NEMESIS. Emperor or France. “HM! PRUSSIA IS EXTENDING HIS FRONTIER; WHY SHOULDN’T I GO TO THE RHINE?” Kuve or Itaty. “HA! AUSTRIA IS DOING THE SAME; WHY SHOULDN’T I GO TO VENICE?”

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Fannuary 20, 1864] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 17 MULTUM IN PARVO. Dear Mr. Puwcu,—I have been for | ,, nn ae in want of a Foot- ings), we can as well afford, ith a little peegenent to bee | fy You Si, requenty do the fs rap TARTUPPS can that is not exactly | was going to say, as I must | intrude upon your tr with may domeelic mation, no’ my domes fren, et alle is out,” as the sa) what with ge § vexatious, and addition is as bad, all the children’ doctor who | Death, but Fsxpzricx |. showed me an advertisement :— Frooman (UNDER). A Young Height 6 ft. 1. And said sneeringly (he calls it his that do ? om, my dear Mr. e couldn’t At six feet one LATEST FROM ELYSIUM. Scenzs—A Yellow Mead of Asphodel. Amaranthine Bower to R. Myrtle Grove on Li. Gloomy Glade at the back. Ds. Jonnson and sundry friendly Shades gliding about. Enter to them | § the ee ee dear Doctor Major, and all of you, what do you cee hink, Sir, ym are going tomake a foolish am. Iam m going to give you the and I nd beg our pardon They have to an 0 and la; She’ Stops to Conquer, into an opera, and are playing indeed! Farce, my dear Gory. Goldsmith. > Jeno bide esas turned it at the Garrick. Dr. aia tace. Nomenclature is arbitrary. Boswell, And hate that is arbitrary, Dz. Jounson? you w. what I hate worse,’ and that is any- know whom it is useless to bray tale of your farce, Doctor. but it was the best production of its Natured Man was as admirable. has been set to music, and is once more think you have reason to be pleased. For at must have been cut out, and new words Dr. Johnson. Yes, weg en the fashion in which you presumed to improve the dramas by SHAKSPEARE.: ‘arrick, 1 knew my business. Dr. Johnson. Yes, Sir, and so does the thief who steals my boots and cuts them down into shoes. never ond that Jrexe was ever meg vaccination which is | during their nocturnal pe 4 me} commana music for thy songs m honour of seven | Which are an Facey ta Dr. Johnson. Sir, I suppose that a fiddler is incapable of even reading Irene; but that is no excuse for your i pernet I am sure, Dr. Jonnson, that Dz. Gopsmrra meant Dr. Johnson, And, Sir, T am sure there is no one better qualified than | yourself to speak of a no-meaning. JI used the word impertinence in the legal sense, implying that Dr. GoLpsmrru’s allusion was not perti- he matter in hand. Boswell. Tt is worth while to incur your censure, Sir, to receive your apolo but seldom the second. your have been handed over to fiddlers and to be reproduced in a mutilated | form, and to be eggs by B for themselves, but because they now ‘tickle the ears of Boswell. You speak ‘harshly of of the divine art of music, Dx. Jomnsoy, yet you have told me that you once tried to learn the flageolet. Dr. Johnson. 1 did, Sir (smiling), and am sometimes apprehensive that I caused reprehensible annoyamee to the feline rivals of my melody regrinations. Garrick. Now, Sir, suppose that you had succeeded, and had become a commear of music: SmaKsPEARE. he not add music Poy And that Baan di did not allow you to accompany her upon e flu Goldsmith. No, indeed ; for then the audiemce would have atteniled to me, and neglected the lady. Dr. Johnson. Dr. Gonueiers And you are please Goldsmith. I consider Miss Hardcastle the most in the range of English comes and I regret that I did to her various accom me. You have written poems | ig eee country, and you take a pride in a flip fare that at the best tons o oeesiall af tellers hing otha beds. read much eee te mt ‘oswell (pensively) ve in ancient aud hove ote tie tien that a man is unconscious of his real strength. Dr. Johnson, Have you found, Bir, ——— multi- farious reading, or in your own nature, that @ man is conscious of his weakn Boswell. ae eae ae ne ee eS a the means of ae Garrick ne the’ play, Bae roma whack ear.” Dr. Johnson. Name the Garrick. I am not sare Dr. Johnson. And T am sure Dr. Johnson, Well, well, Sir, be pleased, and we will rejoice with you. I undervalue no attempt to promote the harmless gaiety of Lge ans I knee Dr. Sareea that aye —— gg 2 i “1 ir. Johnson you know ae oe it. Punch, thoug! could wish that VD pokey himself Ee Be by some more digni nn than one from ak ome aoe but one who avails of his unequalled ba a i abl morals. I regard Punch as the greatest teacher the world since nas he 1784. Boswell, When you came here, Sir. Dr. Johnson, Sir, you know ‘nothing ‘about it, or what were my move- ments until your own arrival in 1785. Goldsmith. Doctor, when you descend to such commonplace argu- ments as dates, to confound an opponent, you must give me leave to | say, He Stoops to Conquer. ‘Dr. Johnson. *Tis well said, Doctor (laughing). Goldsmith. I have more to say, Sir, and now I indeed hope to interest Dr. JonNson, who ever loved a brave a. has been set by a gentleman named Macrarren, whosuffers ivation of sight, and who nevertheless labours at ~_ art, aided by a husband’s best friend, and who has on is occasion, di most elo gio Tie? i De. Go . OANSON e your countrymen, ILDSMITH, always begin at the wrong end of a Had you said thus much at a the 4 commencement of your narration 1 had received it more respectfully. Sir, the ‘y mpathy due to the “~ ’s misfortune the honour he ‘shoul m for dominat > But there sounds Queen Proser- ine’s rob bell. Wewill umper of nectar to the ortunes of Momus, now bet the | tuition of Cecus Apollo. Boswell. What a tasteful and allusion to the musical setting of our friend OxtveEr’s play ! Dr. Johnson. Sir, you are a fool. [Eceunt.

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78 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruary 20, 1864. MR. JOHN THOMAS TO HIS SWEETHEART. Dear Janz, as febbiwerry’s days this year is 29 ¢ Hi reether thought youd arst me four 2 B your Wallentine, Cos in Leap yeer tis the custim, as most heverybody nose, For the a> 4 2 Pop the question, hor in other tums propose. And pawsibly i ya ad popped, a nice gal has U R, I might ave blushed, hand ung my ed, and whispered “ Hask PapaR! ” | But lor! theer aint no Sperrit m young ladies no ys, | Like one reads in hold Romances hor in Mister Sheékspur’s plays : | Which as E’s the greatest Poet as the Wurld ave ever Scene, E’s to ave a Ter Scent Tennery—hi Carnt say what it mean, But I ope it aint a Statty, cos we someow doesnt shine At playimk games 0’ Marbles in the monnymental line. | Which there ’s quite enough redicklus in our phamed Treffolger square, Without avink poor dear SuaxesPeer to be larfed at stuck up there ; And I ardly think the Poet would be in his right location, | To be stan by the Docter as hinwented Waxination. | Nor wood it be agreeble to the littry world at lorge | To C their SHeexsrur stuck up near the Pigtail of Kine Jonce! | | But halthough as Mister Pore says in his phine and phlowink rhymes Hour SHEexsPur were a poet as have “ written for the Times,” * We’ve other things to about now Parlymink ave met, Than the SHeexsrur Ter Scent tennary and wheer it’s to be set. Fast of all there’s Shcleszigolstine, a most hawfle word to say, And to pernounce it prawperly I don’t quite no the way, Hand as for hunderstandink what the row there is about I’d as soon Xpeck a English cook to underst& sour krout ; Which its a Germing hontray as doubtless youre aweer, And is made of rotten cabbidges kep pickled in sour beer. But Polly Tix of coarse aint 4 as intrestink to gurls As earring if you ought to wear your air in plats or curis, Fee 7 m told its now more phashnabble to ave it in big Bows, And if gals aint enough to tie they buy some I suppose : (Which Janz dear U have often eard me praise your Ed of Air, So I dont mean nothink pussnal now, I reelly do declare.) But lor! there’s nothink nattral in young ladies nowadays And Phine Phiggers as theyre called is only Crinnylean and Stays, While as for phine a they ’re all pearlpowder and Paint, Which if Gals is fond of kissink it I no a Man as aint ! But the most himportant subjic as is talked about this year, Its about Dumb estic Suvvnts and their carricters my dear For it seems as A oa lady were got lately in disgrace By forjink a Karackter for a Ousemaid out of plaice, And in course the Wuthy Maijjis Strait to oom the case were brort Gave her a preshus Wi in the earring of the Court. But phokes is too pertickler for the wages as they give, And beink Mortal creeturs y poor suvnts they must Live! * Mr. Jounw Tuomas slightly misquotes the passage :— ** He wrote not for an age, but for all time.” Printer’s Devil. Hand though a cook may ave a weekness for her freinds in the Purleece, Hor may sell a few Wax candles with her drippink and her Greece And though ladiesmaids may wear their missus’ wardrobe on their bax, I think as their karackters needent menshing them there Fax.— Of course in Suvvnts dickshonairies Puckwisits means Pelf, But I ses as ow each missus ought to find that out erself, Hand if a gent be wicktimised, and tuns away his cook, Ow can it siggafy to Im whom else she tries to rook ? I’d say more on this matter deer in these here present rhymes, But missis’ bell ave rung for me some } a dozen times, Hand though it aint my custim for to harnser in a Nurry, Hit wont Do to haggriwate er, hor she flies out in a Phiurry. But ladies is hunreasnable to folks in their employ They wants a Man to move about as hif E were a boy, | Which I says my Carves won’t stand it, for they’re onnest flesh and ood, | Hif they was hartifishil ones it might be oped they wood. | And then they calls one Lazy hif one’s Careful of one’s figger t Which if my carves were let alone they’d grow some hinches Bigger. | But lor! till I gits Married dear there’s little opes of that, — For a Phootman’s place is horfle bad for welll of one’s Phat ! For ecceptink of our mealtimes, which I own we aint bad fed, | I’ve skeece a Momink to myself, xcep when I’m in bed. ; And what with Halpine climbing up them hawful steeps of stairs My legs is nearly wore away to drumstix, I declares. Tn fack there aint a horficer in Harmy or in Navy, Who’s more on Hactive Suvvice than Joun Tommus oF BELLGRAVY. THE ATHENZUM ON THE_EARLY CHRISTIANS. Mr. Puncu,—Please Sir, the Atheneum says, in a review of [LORD Rozssrt Montacue’s Four Experiments in Church and State :— “‘ The author also asserts that ‘the Pagans never persecuted one another,’ which assertion would be still harder to prove, for there certainly was a time when he who would not bow to the supreme Jove, or fling a pinch of incense on the altar of the Empzror, was thrown to the lions, to the torturers, or the flames.” “Christianos ad leones!” When the Roman mob cried out that and those who refused to sacrifice to Jupiter or Casar were served accordingly, does the Atheneum mean to say that the Pagans persecuted one another? That seems a strange saying for a paper so very par- ticular about correctness as the 4¢ mn. I remain, Sir, Your affectionate young friend, Hogsnorton Grammar School, First Form, Epwarps, JR. Valentine's Day, 1864. _Please, Sir, of course it is impossible that the critic in the Atheneum did not understand his author’s meaning. AUSTRIAN BARBARISM. | In the Austrian part of the band of robbers e in the spoliation | of Denmark, there is a rie called the Gondrecourt Brigade, | the head of it being a General of that name. An eye-witness of the | atrocities which these brigands have been perpetrating, states that :— “ Wherever GENERAL GonDECOURT was seen, he was greeted with loud cheers by the troops. The guns they brought back with them were gaily decorated in honour of the patron saint of the artillery, the Holy Barbara.” St. Barbara, of all Saints, must be allowed to be the fittest patroness of barbarian ordnance. But what sort of a Saint is this “Holy Barbara” who patronises the murderous instruments of Austrian bar- barity? If there are two kinds of Angels, the celestial and the fallen, there may also be two corresponding classes of Saints, and “ Holy” Barbara may be one of class number Two. We know, thanks to Mr. M:xron, who it was that first invented gunpowder and artillery ; and it is reasonable to suppose that a Saint who presides over such things, especially in the interest of Austrian felony, should be one of a sul- phureous description. The Holy Barbara, who stands in the relation of a Zamiel to the HarspurcH great guns, may be taken to be holy, as we say, over the left; holy so to speak, with a hook. She cannot be conceived to rank among the Saints in the Calendar; can only be regarded as a Saint whom miscreants have cannonised. Honest:Germans. Tue German Powers contend that in declaring that they recognised the integrity of the Danish monarchy, they did not engage to respect it. Just so the recognition of a gentleman’s watch and seals does not prevent footpads from garotting him and stealing them. oso Tp0 Oo

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Fasruarr 20, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THEATRICAL REALITIES. | fur Sensational Managers of the present day are deter- mined to leave nothing to imagination. Your Con- tributor’s Drama was en-| ee Rudolpho the Rugged, | The Deleterious Drome- | and, let_me say (who | “ag should Fe and | would not if any one | : had said it for him) that | \A M the title is an admirable \Z one, and not less worthy of | _ i j praise is the work i It | Ne ANA ae ae uke eee, & owing toa s & ment between the Eames) Wier and myself, as to the intro- fi =duction of an aria for the | chief lady in the most thril- ing situation; I allude boy where Rudo Radolpho| ged, who is really | same: the ninth Pon- tiff of that name, in dis-| ise, is about to jum om the top of the c f th the head of Mabel his adopted daughter with a ew of the sea, upon op er, wit a view of putting a simultaneous end to the existence of both th of ’em. Well, Sir,—no matter. I will tell you —\~" my Piece was to have been pro-| duced. In the respect of “ getting wp, I have-no fault to find with | the liberality of the I bo to ‘him a being weak and yielding | fo he ohn eae ae tyumnmdenl lééle ies; quos ego—| but, as I observed 20 matter. Adieu for ever to the old plan of er Pa a ¢t when you would pe the rolling sea. Farewell the profile boat and the canvas by the sea. Adieu, Imaginative Dramatic Genius, whoever you a and Welcome, Practical Carpenter. irst Scene was “A Castle with view of Sea.” hat sea?” said the Manager. I was not prepared for this, but _ and wittily replied, “The See ah tp the Manager, “and ge ide-book to—t * Bring a map,” says t a guide- o—to— to—let me ap he was —— that he did Theor but_had forgotten, | “let me see—where is Canter I had to explain my joke, a ieersbile rformance at any time cr) allude to the explanation, not the witticism], and added that I had had | no particular sea in my € e at the time. Margate’s near,” sai pit Manager, “let us say the’sea at Margate.” | “But why Margate ?” “ Because, don’t you vt can do the real thing, have a lot of it up in air-tight cases: it’ll keep and will be a hit. Rat Sea from The. = or Enexanp! !! ere’s a telling advertisement, my boy!” | d real Sea we should have had, as sure as your name ’s Punch. The Castle was to have been built after the earliest Norman style of | Real Stone. Eminent architects had already been consulted. The | proposed Bill ran as follows :— REAL CASTLE AND FORTIFIED RAMPARTS. Reviewing the Troops: they are heard to ascend the stone staircases, which Sor the csiduaies o the Audience, can be distinctly seen through the holes. Besiegers approach in Real Boats, armed with Real Guns loaded with Powder and Ball. N.B. Incompliance with the Lory CuamBer.atn’s expressed wishes, the Manager warns all employed in his service spree getting in the way of the bullets, on pain of being heavily fined; and after this suf- ficient warning, he begs to state that he will not hold himself in the least | responsible for any consequences whatsoever. | Scenz 2.—The Point of the fF to ogy between the North and South Coast | Railway Lines. Real Engines and Trains travelling at the rate of | Sorty miles an hour. Appalling Accident ! | N.B. The Man: . . ts a cauticn, similar to the one above, as to Jn erage w y the parts of Passengers in the different awa i They bin an take care of themselves. Mr. a then we were to have had a Room Scene, with real wal fee wit which Rudolpho breaks in jumping “through the win- = a real fire with coals and smoke—a comic scene here about the smoke—and in fact everything real on the Stage with the exception of one thing which I, asa Dramatic Author, would prefer to all the Carpen- tering, onry, and Upholstery in the Metropolis, LT allude, Sir, to Reattx Goop Active! | THE MASQUE OF PARIS. Re. tag ae masquin now enlists he Imperial circle’s pane; Courtiens can but be copyists When crowned heads set the fashion ; All. from the Tuileries place-man to he Tuileries Dame oh ce Recast the ery cati aun In Domino ia To “ Zer-beati Domino Viventes qui fruuntur !” To dance and die in domino pibvetve, forms of etinde: i there + ch Emperors ow, T asks with your attitude ! tia smiles ag grace On the bewitched beholder, But as he turns, the - mer — sm ill it dies down to Stony When read o’er t’other oa The ladies of the Imperial Court, Love their costumes to vary ; Now wantoning in s full short, Now of their charms more One as a snow-storm* breathes Hast, Then beams as summer weather ;* oy flits a bat,” then cone released. To gauze from wings © f leather! a oo lumaged birds! France finds the feast, ia the feather ! As patches once with us showed Whig Or Tory camp’s dominion, So here the masquer loves to rig The maxket of opinion. Hines, ona poe ber fetb ona arm, shows her fet There. Plant strives in vain to alarm Her diplomatic debtors ; While yon fair Mexicaine* might charm JuaREzt and his abettors. And in and out the brilliant show, Through diamonds’ rain-bow b Through silken sheen, - golden glow, And lace’s woven haz Through shifting mete the times that mock, Or hint at change en Pair, Through brazen beauties, proud to stock The rial Parc-aus-cerfs, Through Y Di plomates no kick can shock, Best masked with faces bare— Through starred chevaliers d’industrie, (Bourse mushrooms of a day) Through ribhboned rooks and croupier dukes— (For “ I’ Empire c'est la paye”’),— Threading the crowd, in sable shroud Of domino and mask, The sphinx you mark, whose riddle dark None read though all must ask— The hand that moves, on his behooves, These puppets to their task. He shifts not mask 8 domino— No change of garb he needs, Whose life is ene great masquing show, Of causes, cries, and cree From donnet- -rouge to black soutane, From Lovis Banc to CospEn, Coats he has worn of all men’s yarn, All glasses hob-and-nobbed in, All mills’ grist garnered in his barn, All troubled waters bobbed in! Masque i la barbe! Yes ’twas the garb That old highwaymen robbed in ! * Costumes at recent Imperial masked balls. t Pronounce as a dissyllable, Hwarez. New Danish Oatu.—* Dash my Schles-wig! ”

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruary 20, 1864. a \iyitt a WA ° — Country WE HaD oF you!” wirnout any Bong, I’LL LET YoU HAVE ONE JorNT FoR NorHsING.” LARA ASS WAq * yen! WW ~~ ~ Ny NS y\\ GENEROSITY UNPARALLELED. Parson's Wife.“ On! Cieaver! (indignantly) WHat a QuaNTITY oF BoNE THERE WAS IN THAT Last Prece or Maat Cleaver. “ Was THERE, Mum! I coupENT HELP THAT, YoU KNOW, MUM; BUT, HOWSOMEVER, THE VERY Fust FaT BuniocK I po KILL BORES IN FROST. Dunne the lato frost ( h which has be URING sO says a ph w: en “making the round of the Journals ”) wil d-boars have appeared in t numbers in different country places of France, and hunting-clubs ve been established for the destruction of these troublesome animals. Tn our great frosts we suffer from the same infliction, only we spell the word a little differently, and our frost-bound bores don’t confine their ravages to the fields, but ‘actually force their way into the ladies’ sanc- tum sanctorum. Oh, Mr. Punch, if you only could have seen the damage done, and the confusion caused f the bores in our county drawing- rooms and boudoifs, during the hard frost which has lately put a stop to hunting. The poor creatures may be tame enough generally; but the frost makes them quite as wild in this country, as they can be in Alsatia or anywhere else. I see the French have the same plan of rotecting themselves against this plague as we have,—I mean by unting-clubs. If it wasn’t for owr hunting-clubs, whenever hard frost sets in, we should be fairly worried out of our houses by the bores in our of Blankshire, It is or the next c e-party, or one’s mutual friends, or one’s flirtations, or the last box of novels from Mouptir’s, to be suddenly scared by a rush of huge hairy bores, white-toothed, long-whiskered, driven in-doors by the hard weather, upsetting one’s chairs, tangling one’s wools, tumbling over the ottomans, and making themselves generally. disagreeable. Some girls may say they like the sport.of hunting them, or trapping them, or even taming them; but any girl\of spirit ought to be ashamed of tackling the poor creatures. at such times, out of con- dition and cowed as they are. I like to face my bore on equal terms: to bring him down fairly, with a dead shot in the heart, after giving him proper law, and all the sportswoman-like advantagés of om and weather. I wouldn’t give the flirt of a fan for the triumph of" | tting ” a poor depressed, halfatarved, ti re, driven by the frost from the cover-side to the warmth and she the boudoir or the billiard-room. I hope you agree with me, Mr. Punch; you will recommend all girls in country-houses to be merciful to the- y bores who may coal refuge from the frost under the shadow of our crinolines. Your a reader, EANIE DRIGHTWIN. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. Hetty Morty Gist.—Yes. The Letter O is pronounced as spelt. Historicus —Rye-House Plot. Wrong in spelling. The piece of und, on which stands the Leaning Tower of. Pisa, has always been ate as the Wry House Plot. A Vo.urtvovs VuLture wants to know who is Margaret of Anjou or Anjo’ ? And whether it was SHAKSPEARE who said— * Margaret of Anjo’ Plays upon the banjo.” pet g , when a nice little party of us girls | ve got together for a little quiet crochet, or to talk over the last ball, | Apply to the Hon. Lrt-tiz, Sec. of the National Shakspearian Com- | mittee (Limited). Buuty Boy asks how he can make a House Top spin? Some of our | readers may be able to inform him. ., M. F. T-pp-n.—No. But always remember that “ Fine feathers | butter no birds.” . | Aw OverworKED CuRAT® says he has'seen a list of Her Majesty’s Lent “Preachers,” and wishes to know -who lends them? Consult’a Solicitor. Aw Irish Harper says that every Musical Composer of any note has been an Irishman, and sends us a list of names. In answer we must inform A. I. H. that there never was a Composer of ”o note, and secondly, that, as to the first on the list, he has been deceived by the sound. O’Brar [AUBER] was not an’ Hibernian. Nores ror THE EccixstoLocicat Soguety.—The Cathedral Church of Lyons finds its English counterpart in Leo-minster. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of ‘No. 11, Bouverie Street, in w icefriars, Cc f London, Printers, at Meir Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, ‘City of London, and Published by them at No, 85 Fleet Street, im the Parish of St. Bride, City bit ‘ity o of Londov.—Satuapar, February 20, 1864. the’ Precinct of

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Volunteer (to Nervous Old Gentleman who is smoking). ‘Pray BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR I’vE JUST DRAWN MY GRATIS AMMUNITION HERE, ENOUGH TO BLOW US ALL {Old Gentleman flings away his weed and himself off the Bus immediately. Cicar, Sir! INTO——” PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Feprvary 15, Monday. Eart Russeui was anxious to explain that he had not been frightened, by Mr. Sewarn’s menaces, into stopping the Rams, also that Mr. Sewarp had sent no menaces at all. The fact is that the American Minister over there knows the delight his country- men take in tall talk, so he manufactures thundering despatches which t into the Yankee press, and which he also transmits to the American Afinister over here. Mr. Apams is a gentleman, who dines with Lorp RvssE.L, and, after dinner, says, in an off-hand way, “I’ve got another of Winty Sewarn’s concoctions, my dear Lord; but of course I shan’t =? = no, P not Ta oa - bg bee of thing pleases the great, enlightened, and dignified people o' erica, it would be ver. churlish in us to find fault Frith it” y , _ Lorp Campse xt, not considering the Schleswig-Holstein complica- tion sufficiently labyrinthine, has gone back into history, and insists that we are bound by a guarantee given in 1720. The appeal went to the heart of the historical Forrien Secretary, who thirsted to enter into the story of the Quadruple Alliance, the South Sea Bubble, the exile of ArTERBURY, and other interesting events in the reign of Gror- etus Primus, but restrained himself, pony heme leave to be mysterious as to what,we should do if Schleswig were handed to the Duxe or AveustensurG. His Lordship hinted, however, that it would be something truly awful. Mr. Layarp said that the English proposals for an armistice between Denmark and the Germans received an unsatisfactory answer. Another rebuff. Really the mess that Master Jouwny. Russet. makes with the pens and inkstand is quite trying, and Mrs. Briraynta will be g them away from him in a passion one of these days. Tuesday. The CHancettor has sold the Little Livings to the number of os and at the handsome figure of £65,300. The principle being thus esta lished, there is nothing to prevent a bishopric or two from being disposed of at any moment that the Church runs short of money, or wants tore-arrange her affairs. Why not settle the church-rate westion by selling Sodor and Man, say, to the Independent Anabaptist chabodies ? Ear. Russert, attacked by Lorp Carnarvon, about the American cruisers, made a spirited little answer, said that we had never consented to be responsible for the piracies of the Alabama, but that it was a scandal and a reproach to our law that she had been able to go from an English port. e have seized the Confederate vessel Tuscaloosa, and meant to keep her till reclaimed by the Federal owner. If the Richmond paper does not flame out at this, it will be because Mircxez.1 has no vitriol left. A BADGE OF BRAVERY. Aw Order by GenERaL WRANGEL, premising that, as fifty years ago Austria and Prussia, when en, in the same struggle, wore the same badge, so now “when fortune, which cannot be sufficiently praised, leads them again shoulder to shoulder into battle, they are to adopt the same symbol as of old.” This symbol, we ‘are told by the telegram which transmitted the foregoin, flourish, “ consists of a white band round the left arm.” GENERAL WRANGEL may consider this symbol to denote his allied troops to be a band of brothers; but in the sight of English eyes it represents a brotherhood of bandits. The Aus- trians and Prussians may recognise no other common symbol than the white band round the left arm of one another, but to our imagination they all appear conspicuously marked between the shoulders with a broad R. The drums and fifes should play such marauders into dishonest action with the Rogues’ March, Wu11aM Cossetr, illustrating the baseness of certain bullies, applies to them the following popular couplet :— *« Father and Mother and I, with a chosen band, Beat a poor little boy till he couldn’t go nor stand.” The Germans, small and great, in attacking Denmark, are attempting an exploit just like that described in the above lines; and the chosen band therein mentioned exactly corresponds to the Austrian and Prussian heroes who, with white bands round their left arms, are marching shoulder to shoulder against that little kingdom. They might as well also wear white feathers in their caps. It is to be wished that to the white bands round their left arms might speedily be added handcuffs at the wrists. A Bill for a new Brighton railway was smashed. A Bill described by Mr. Bucwanan as intended to throw all the traffic between the east and west of Scotland into the {hands of one Company, was smashed. This may have been right, but we beg to remark that the stations on the Edinburgh and Glasgow line are execrable. Some other provincial Rai way Bills made progress, and then the whole night was devoted to a discussion on the Private Bill System, which is admitted to be incon- venient, unfair, and expensive. But the House is so averse to giving up a morsel of its authority, that it will not consent to establish a rational tribunal for examining Private Bills in a rational manner. | Mr. Miner Greson proposed some palliative resolutions, but they remind one of the suggestion to bolt a door with a boiled carrot. Wednesday. This, which used to be the Parliamentary Sunday, or at least the day on which theological matters were discussed, is to be secu- larised this Session, as the Dissenters announce an armistice. They state that their exertions are, for the present, to bay Depoliticalisation. That is a stunnin good word, and as the sailor, handing the bass viol over the side, and fancying that the instrument was performed upon kit fashion, expressed a lively curiosity to see “the big Coote as played on this here,” we should like to see the Nonconformist gentleman who, single-handed, launched that word into circulation. To-day the question of county rating came up, and Mr. Viiuiers promised that Govern- ment should attend to it. JoHn Hueers, of the Epping Hunt, ought to be examined as a witness, having given attention to the subject, for when run away with he stated that ** He never saw a County go At such a County rate.’”. Thursday. EARL GRANVILLE said that the Government was serra | how to improve the Patent Museum and Library. One good way woul be to prevent its further increase by abolishing the Patent System sieaaier. a recommendation in which Mr. Punch heartily agrees with Mr. Bricur. ; We do not know what the Clerks of the Peace have been doing, but the Lords seem anxious to devise a means for the more easy removal of those officials. In the event of strife, could they not all be turned over to Eart DE Grey, and made Clerks of the War ? : Brighton is notoriously a Liberal borough, and could hag 8 have returned a Liberal Member, and a very pees one indeed, Mr. Henry Fawcett, but for the illiberality of his rivals, of similar politics. Two would go to the poll, one of them, Mr. Jutian Gotpsmin, polling to the end, and as the Conservatives committed no such folly, Mx. Moor, with 1663 votes, defeated the 2489 Liberals who scattered their support, VOL. XLVI, K

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fusruary 27, 1864. and he took his seat to-night, introduced by Mr. Wurrs, his Radical | be knocked down with the Census, the pedantic argument of the Leeds colleague. So hton has no voice in legislation, or, rather, (as a| people, and their only one. Sim J. Hay took the sense of the House | Moor is usually ) may be frivolously said to vote Black and on the subject, and in favour of Wakefield, and was defeated by 19 only |in a House of 257, which was a victory, imasmuch as the votes for | Mrz. Lavarp, who in the Japan de had spoken slightingly of the }Wakefield were substantive, the others ‘being an agglomeration of evidence afforded by a picture of the co: ion of Boe, made | Ministers” friends and the like, who merely did as they were bidden. euiensnly amends to our contemporary, the [//ustrated News, | Mr. Punch expects no end of hams and Yorks hire pies for this lucid and bh an artist in Japan, another in Schleswig, and a third in | noble advoeaey of the West Riding. ‘ Richmond ted States), all sketching away with the most valiant, Brother Jonarman having made a fall and handsome apology for the disregard of danger. : . Res" seizure of a Confederate ship in Pankbar, Nova Scotia, no more need be The mortality among pauper children in Ireland is said to be greatly | said on that subject. Mr. Lararp, having given this information, and need| in excess, and Government introduces a Bill, generally | answered Ma. KinGiaxe, who had a Danish parecenes Mn. Roesuck | approved b, Irish Members, for dealing with the evil, avowedly in| summed up the case by stating that Mx. KmveLake was one of that | the case of Dublin, but the measure will have a more extended action. | nondeseript class of politicians who were fond of finding mare’s nests. | anteeur Gl edit ns UR by eek S u maet deenlaiibiees Ate ee . ro) t) not lay on the article ne : | that Five Years shall be the shortest term for penal servitude, instead| A Committee on the Insane Cumadls Bill finished the evening in | of Three, as now ; but that by a system of “marks” to be given for | very good time. In faet, the Houses are taking things easily at ee et ce, Wee's Wrenn tase Sis” ow, any SS ot ema mn it is ‘ , my Parliamen , mus . ae Hi present desires to receive the 500 or 600 convicts whom we F P me | remit thither. The “mark sen | has, worked well i, Inked, appears. ere, the convict, if re efore the expiry i is under the surveillance of the police, so that he may be elaimed back SPIRITS IN THE COAL-HOLE if not reclaimed, a rational precaution, of which Sim G. Gmmy seems) Guwruz reader, prithee how about our coal fields? Didn’t some one afraid. The “ticket-of-leave” system is to be unaltered (Sm Groner that they were pretty nigh exhausted? Because, if mot, the chanees | repudiates the phrase, and calls the document a Licence), but F the | aro they i Snieedee. br only look at this :-— / | ticket-man commits a breach of licence, he is to be returned to. prison « Coat, Gas Baaxpy.—Permission to work « French patent for the manufacture | to serve out the whole sentence, beginning back from the he came | of Brandy from Coal Gas has recently been purchased for a large sum by an English = Bill is aed to fap oped non Ma Seicetes to ise the Company, and the work of manufacture is om the point of being started in London.” ogging of convicts who revolt in prison. Sm Brand from ! Baechus! That’sa bright idea! at himself to impress the House that it was a mistake to believe that men nay ee Sens aan silt e Se Madea, te hear that Sie eines a comanoge A coming over” the chaplaim. Amy-| spirits present in the coalscuttle! He would be a bold man, in good | how, the : itse. eves this. There was a temperate | truth, to set alight on his yan udding, say, to brandy made from ee wae oe 4 ee ee coal-gas. Won't the = of Wallsend just f° up, after this? Only s. WottamM Ewart brought in a Permissive Bill in favour of the fancy what demands there will be shortly for black diamonds, now it is | Metric System. We doubt the utility of such a measure. Who would | discovered that brandy can be made from them. No wonder it was | learn how to do a sum if the master were not behind him, and ready to stated that Old Kuve Goat was a merry old soul, seeing what a merry- — it rr 4 clear a he occupied that position of advantage ? making spirit there was latent in him. “Cinnamon and ginger, nutmeg mae y way of a gentle experiment, we have a decimal coinage and cloves,” are said to give a nose a rubicund a so but only and enact a Permissive Bill, providing that people who will not be a | think what inflammation of the cuticle may be caused shang absorption in that coin shall not be paid at all, and if they refuse credit, shall be | of brandy made from coal-gas! Just conceive if Bardolph were living . We would not be severe, nothing is more unwise, but a| now-a-days what a nose would his become after a glass or two of gas little firmness is desirable in dealing with the prejudiced. } |brandy! Perhaps in course of time the spirit, like the gas whence it is : : . | made, will be laid along the streets in pipes, and so conveyed into our BE amma On the [rten, of Bo, Ancupammee, on fate an tlict ante houses, and there kept constantly on ing he measured out by meter. hear what Daz. are said, but are not inclined to think that We fear teetotalism then will have but a poor chance of winning many ° converts. Tipsiness will be the rule and temperance the exception, — 5 Sam wee mS car of the money the Irish Church may | and we shall hear benignant hosts blandly whispering to their frends, Ma Gowran anid thet hl Kx and Lucas had by no means | ed" shay—hic—olefler, jush shtopantake—hic—nother glasshogash with | cleared away the Exhibition building, and the Government had been =. wae oy jolly mortal, when he is asked to sing, will | making a shine about it, as the site was wanted for a great many build- | a es | ings, in which architects were to be asked to compete. Hadn't the | A bumper of brandy go fill, fill for me, | Pecksniffs better be looking up their pupils’ designs, and preparing to | Far too poor for my palate is wine; | do their own worst. = == : Bett But brandy, if made from good coal gas it be, We are negotiating with nine foreign countries in order to get Rags Out of other drinks quite takes the shine. _ cheaper. If costly wars spread, we shall soon find the European popv- | Let the Temperance man try his clar’t and champagne, | lation reduced to a state which will give us great advantages in this | With weak stomachs such weak stuff may pass, | commerce. Banners a-field means rags at home. ; But a liquor to warm one and light up one’s brain, Pa ay Mle 2 ones — to cota Deneck o— do wie | Is the brandy that’s made from coal gas! rmans inv utland, which is per. RD ge said that such an entry — = a scerrn the | violent ow on justice already commit cheers), and which in- | : Y volved bloodshed for which Austria and Prose were deeply responsible. | . A EROESTARLE REPRE. (Renewed cheers.) But he declined saying what Government would do| Hex is a sorrowful statement :— Lordship a ee en Feed wg poe a tt ~ a Gunenat, | Wrancet is, we hear, to receive £300 a month extra pay during the ; s, also, e case arisen. Perhaps by the | Danish invasion. Ssbealionn of Govenmmeed, WA ARTO REIS Rela of comcan Lat on| a TAarTas™: SNNUEDA™ [7 access fa 9 Sntameated perky in Cho pocnnat : Gov . d tk , se, but an| abominable struggle. As he is to receive £3,600 a year so long as i instant — indignant withdrawal of the British representatives from | ]asts, you may be sure he will be in no great hurry to put a stop to it. every where German is jabbered, might be ordered, and Germany He has clearly a large interest in prolonging hostilities. The high might be made to include a visit to Coventry among her peregrinations ay (the General is evidently not serving in the Pays-Bas) must be in foreign pen ‘the Weat Riding of Yorkshire, and their friends’ and Looked apanee a oe pny a on ro the pone se — - . : TKS > an er iriends al ible, and so long as they will let him. Let us hope that, by the enemies, are much excited upon the question where the West Riding _— orcing him to retreat, the above pay will be quickly converted Sizes are to hs —_ Str Georce Grey, as usual, pursues | into a retiring pension. As it is, the General is, as far as we can see, Her sane sone og oh te Ff aagemes Toeag Pay vay rae 1. P nels the only person likely to derive any benefit from the present wicked say inasmuch | jnyasi as there are ’Sizes aseaey in York Rape! pag ey ec as the whole) s Leeds,’ and as Leeds is only an hour and twenty minutes | from York, there isno pretext for listening to the Leeds people, who | ~ Ba Geo Mame of the’ Prophet.” want to drag the law imto their Avernian smoke, for their own profit! Zapxret is going to have a new wrapper for his A/manack. It is to and piveniag. If there are to be any new ’Sizes they ought to be held | be of a pale pamboge colour: his authority for this is the combination ‘efield, which lies convenient for the district concerned, and as the | that is plainly alluded to in the line of Saaxspzare’s: “The Ser and Yorkshire folk are almost unanimous on the subject, they ought not to! yellow leaf.”

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— a oe ovr res Ww Ww - @e@°,"s — oO or = * y n ‘4 > S s r Fepruary 27, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 83 PANTOMIMIC ATROCITIES IN 1864. — Pantomimic atrocities | +i ular offence he has committed, but he has been a Bg oe Ee thrust into the mouth of the gaping Armstrong, The poor babies have been without so much as upon them one after another, with all their ight. An elderly gentleman has been blown nightly from a gun. It is not known what par- name or address being asked, and in an instant stuck against all parts principally .the sufferers. As of the building. many as 2,753 have fallen victims to the severity of Four dozen charity boys have been forced into | the season since last Boxing- Drury Lane ‘Theatre. cisterns, and, the lid being instantly put on, have | never appeared on the surface again. Police- | men, too, have been the favourite objects of ill- | treatment. have been subjected to eve Two perish nightly at Their cries before receiving a d the last spoonful of pap have | form of indignity; been cuffed, pelted, kicked, generally been of the mast | ih considerable so much so, as to have made the heart of Mr. Matraus ont eee —s hone in leaping with joy, heard t stop to this fearful increase of been held upon their mangled bodies; in fact, the imic infanticide, h we yum must tend eventually to borden the hearts of the spectators yn a si look i ies; i . persons who have sat been the Clown and Pantaloon, who have taken the most malicious delight in —but, all things considered, have borne | humour. Every kind | of tical joke has been na a upon them, | amongst others that of wing them into a | hot cauldron, apparently for no other purpose than that of changing their colour from blue to red. This, we are credibly informed, is only a > practice. ceeding cannot be too loudly condemned. The red-hot poker, also, has this year, been | but we have not heard of any adie Tk tad miley ee bes | ication of it. ient | j and how! a little, it does not seem to inflict ch injury. However, the Legislature should A Sort-HEARTED PHILANTHROPIST. | to it. I remain, yours respectfully, | } CHILDREN{AND THEIR TORMENTORS. Wen we to illustrate a fai and wished to draw an ogre, we chenil intoees onkenaeatal writer of the following :— BoARDING SCHOOLS WANTED, in London, for a boy, nine years, and two girls, six and seven years old, requiring firm discipline, having become wild and unruly, through neglect occasioned by family misfortunes. No holiday could be given, as holidays destroy any good effected at school. The father, quite a gentleman, can only pay 20 guineas each. This advertisement is only intended for schools of pre-eminent efficiency for such cases, and prosperous enough to be able and willing to accept such terms, and undertake the needed task of reformation for the sake of the schools’ own additional credit of success. Particulars and refe- rences, by letter only. Opinions doubtless differ as to what is meant by the” expression * quite a gentleman,” and possibly there may be people in the worl who may think the term applied without a shadow of unfitness to a man who wants to send his ¢ away out of his sight, and to get them lodged and boarded, and supplied with needful schooling, at the cost in a great measure persons who receive them. As for his pretending that he disapproves of holidays on the ground of their des- troying the good effects of school, that pretence is so transparent that an eye may see at it. Of course his true objection is that, were his children allowed holidays, they would have to live in them at his expense : and besides, as he evidently no love for his children, he no doubt dislikes occasions that bring them to his sight. As for its conducing to the “credit ” of aschool to help ennatural fathers thus to get rid of their children, surely no one but a SqueRs could indulge in such a thought. If through neglect at home, a child becomes unruly and requires to be “reformed,” itis right that at a proper age it should be sent to school, if proper means are wanting for Soaking it at home. But agirl six years old can scarcely be so “wild” as to require, for her taming, utter banishment from home: nor can she be much bettered by being badly fed for twenty re a year, and, worse still, taught to grow up without knowing what “home” means. “OH DHAR! WHAT CAN THE MATTER BE?” _ Is there anybody in the House of Commons who is fond of asking riddles, and knows an about India? If so, will he kindly ask the Government this conun » which Mr. Punch has just received from one who gives his real name and signs himself “a Pensioner :”— “* Question. In order to keep self and three more from grinding want, what description, quantity, &c., of mechanism is ‘to be employed to compel the immediate distribution of the Dhar Prize Money, seeing it was disbursed to the troops serving in India during the month of April, 1863?’ The mechanism which impelled the long-delayed distribution of the Delhi Prize Money was set in motion bya thump or two from Mr. Punch's cudgel, and this same motive power is ever kept in readiness qd | tained m the number of Punch for Soturday next, I have the honour to state that to be similarly used. Of course our Military Swells are not the sort of people to be bothered about prize money and trifles of that sort, while any more important work is on their hands: but now that they have done the job of clearing Coronet Craw Ley, perhaps they may find leisure in the course of the next or so to give five minutes’ thought to the other Indian matter which is referred to them above. A JOKE FROM THE COMMISSIONERS IN LUNACY. A Sense of justice compels us to publish the following jocose, but | genuine epistle :— ** Office of Commissioners in Lunacy, 19, Whitehall Place, 8.W., Feb. 16, 1864. “* Sir,—In reference to a statement in a notice on the Isle of Man Lunatics, con- it was on the 11th of November, 1861, that the attention of the Secretary of State was called by The Commissioners in Lunacy, to the inadequacy of the provision made for these lunatics, and the necessity of making some immediate and tem- porary arrangement in regard to them. | “ The fact is adverted to in the 71st page of the 16th Report of the Commissioners | in Lunacy, laid before Parliament in the month of July, 1862. * T am, Sir, your obedient servant, } “*W.'C. Sprine Rice.” | For the publication of the foregoing letter, we owe some apology to | Smr Gzorce Grey, because its essential point, , the statement | that the attention of the Secretary of State was called on the 11th of November, 1861, to the condition of Lunatics in the Isle of Man, which has remained the same as it was then till now in 1864, appears to be a joke at the Home Secretary’s expense. | FAWCETT AND BRIGHTON. Crear head, sharp tongue, devoid of whim, A slave to neither cant nor passion : If all blind folk resembled him, We could wish blindness were the fashion. No, 4e’s not blind. But Brighton is, And it’s no use for her to cry out, Disfranchised—while true Liberals hi “* See, there goes Brighton with her eye out.” “ The Editor of Punch.” To-morrow Is in legal phraseology, a Dies non, for are we not being continually told that To-morrow never comes? By the bye, the name of the Coming Man must be To-morrow, which fully accounts for that tardy pone never making his a ee unused, as he must be, to the ways of this tow - has imecauti taken his ticket on the Great Eastern Railway ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. Fesrvarr 27, 1864. THE JUVENILE PARTY. Paterfamilias (to Youth who goes with his Pony well across country). “ Hotto! Hues, my Boy! Don’t you nike Dancine ?” Youth. “ A—No! I pon’? sEEM TO CARE FOR Batts—Few Hunting Men po/!!” TY ce are zi Ww MULLERS AND MEDDLERS. ROFESSOR Max, Prorgssor Max, ightly they named you MULLER; For mulled his case is who attacks Weak sufferers, and stout ruffians backs And lawlessness, by logic lax, As law essays to colour. Begging the question has been long Of speech a favourite figure ; And to declare, in language strong, Germany right and De Assumption looms so large among, I scarcely know a bigger. Not to remind us of the ties Of “Teuton blood” ’twere wiser—_ That “Teuton blood” which ought to rise Where’er a German soldier dies, accusation to the skies, Alike ’gainst King and Kaiser. > Our pores says that none can eat cake and have it too. Para AuGusTenBuRG his seat Sold for three hundred thousand, neat, And those proclaim Papa a cheat, _, Who call that sale a do! Duke’s right or Treaty? choose your hand ; in for one or t’other ; Now, your large Germans draw the brand, Yet on the Treaty swear they stand ; While your s Germans’ loud brass band Proclaim the Duke their brother ! When the black eagles link the claw, What is there they need cower to? Tn eight-and-forty hours, we saw, Fulfilled their threat the sword to draw, Unless the Dane repealed the law, Which the Dane had no power to. ** Give us the time,” was Denmark’s prayer, “ Our rigsraad to assemble.” No, when the Eagles of the air Are met, the carcase should be there! Down on the quarry! Smite nor spare, And make the small birds tremble ! Shall Denmark’s rights annul the tie Of sacred German unity ? That links the smallest German fry With mighty pine and Kaiser high ; (Though the Bund may the bond defy, If they ’re sure of impunity.) Shall Danish freedom hoist its flag Our Right-Divine in slight to? Shall Danish tongues presume to wag, While there ’s a German tongue to brag? What Germans choose to seize as swag Shall Danes assert a right to ? Faust-recht puts all jus on our side, (Or else ask our professors). Jus gentium (which we o’erride), Jus cartularum (if read wide), Heaven fights on big battalions’ side So down with Norse oppressors |

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a om Vive i el ls emma i i ee lil PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fesrvary 27, 1864. | | || Le | Lda 07 As ad \\ (nly eri WA Mail »s es = 1) eee) | | eee =m -_ WY hig "a M att esc a- — thay WAAD |) GE | SY SS ERS ARS) “s ~ SSE an : zi HW NON xu NUR ‘\ N NY NP sj } Ne . ) \ s Ny \ _ —— ee, j LY A) Yip: Li Ge: SSS SSS wig SSSAAAS ———— ~ JOHN IN A MESS. Mrs. Britannia. “PUT DOWN THAT PEN DIRECTLY, YOU TROUBLESOME BOY. A NICE MESS YOU HAVE GOT YOURSELF INTO!”

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4 Famivany 27, 1864] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. & “SPOKEN BY A DANCER.” Se eine dy." Cer Manengee a . Our i Gi ax Taadies of the beliet os and if we won’t make them secuer from fire, He cannot help can help it; as, If it is cheefly the not i Dans which the Mananger give us petticoats secuer from fire? attend+to these things ourselves, He can “stupid Girls, it is their own fault ;” it. Now, I want to tell the them which are in the front orehestrar) get about 15 i fi 12 shillings a week i ? I will tel of ex t us ladies to have to i they do allreddy. I used to get when I was younger, into the back line with 12 niliegs save out of this for the time we will not think of that now— a week, a Lady of the ballet has in the . The best tights cost more get them; but pink silk rown come to ess, ; but even on the Jes¢, you can not mend them, and very few to a,lady who considers . it is when the silk goes little threads of silk like the better darn the ladders, but of them, and then the — would complane of the ook imself, and if the lady dosent pretty suer of not i n’t ewes to that. So that is another expense. cannot get the best tights, shoes, Layeuam and Miss De Vurz ine. t we call them the Barroness, Countess, that is little Dz Vere, and they i isley’s shawls which cost ¢en or the nines as we say, and ¢hey can else, though they were t the same as us now, 15s. , and are fetched away in broghums , and if they doent receive zo salary at ell, the shoes comes next. Pink satin shoes is about 5s. 6d. a pare, the second best is 4s. 6d. But you ware them out very quickly, you know, and then we reeover them with white satin or jane whi adds to expense, The tights must be washd onst a week at the leest, and then yon, pane r them for to keep the color. All this costes f is 6d. and only does three pare, and then of the soap for cleening. Well y and mending shoes, which we do. cheefly when the call is at 10 in the morning, when we again at 2 o’clock to practis a insidentle we are to appear at the night, there is not time ofen home and a er, so we club together and send and cheese and onions, for if we were | dosent offer us anything ; and for rponpr bat oe we are cplewng the night, we never ge as our engagement isnot beg. Of course t. Barronness and De Vere do not mind this, and they never need to send for reddishes ; and sometimes when I am catchd in the rane goi across Watterloo bridge to home, its beyond that a long way, and been obliged to go without dinner, 1 have wished that I was De Vere or the Baronness ; for there is some excuse when you are very very hun and tirird to death. I doent think that ”ow, my dear, but used to when ph ed. in the front line and poor mother was in the wardrobe, and used me. Then there is the fleshing Body, which is about 2 shillings. You hese are the under- | catch fire is 1s. 6d. a thenght an me beddy byes it, it is soled for 10}d. ; but it looks yellerish, not white: 24 yds. it takes for one petticoat | comes to 8s. 9d.; and these tarlatans will | the 4 e very long: and as they will not wash, you have to bye new_ones again, which the Mananger wants us to do, and complanes that ut, so that ou can not always be | he | horse-la we will not another 83. 9d. out of not get that stuff, for we would rather the sertenty head being able to live, if we coats in TTanget of Soder I thick fs the in er is name, 1s. worth of t will cleene . a night extra out of salary, and then, [ think it petticoats, which‘as cost 2s. 8d. a ‘and which we think the Mananger migi as it is and not us as goes near the fire, though they di costes you see about £1 13s. 24. to start any one and I have told you what a continuuel exspense it said anything of my own averyday dress, gownd which were very quick ; and. my lodging, which I for 2s. a week, even in clubbing with an is | must dine sometimes evin if it is exspense, and _it eg but safe a “ee, as _— Iam peg eatre, the roan not pay me onfits away. The doctor w n I was lay up in bed was and my iandlady made me some broath and and she paid a man that I bought a pair of shoes ’ come everyday for the money, as I was ill and out of work, l not let me pay her again exsept by 2¢. a week. I can not be ofen ortenate to meet with ki 3 peeks Eo my ggg my troubling you, and can get the Manangers to be more to us, I | dare say there will come One Day, when you willnot besorryfor having said a good word for ; e = e 3 : E * ! F Se ° 4 A H Et E Et 4 E & Ze = Be ~ i S aS oe 2 &¢ 5 SERIOUS FIGHTING OR NONE. Mr Christian friends, I trust it is our firm determination Never to go to war on provocation ; But mee y to endure all taunts, and insults, and offences, Which break no bones, no money cost, or less than war’s expenses. act of hostility * i and humility, Sinee we must, I do we shall determined, boy Peace to restore that they who broke pik phyeyer pe Vengeance, my friends, we eouldn’t thiuk of taking, as professors, But execution we may do, to terrify Forced to wage war, oh! let us, then, wage it as if we meant it : Not evil to return, but make our enemies repent it. : A QUESTION OF GOOD BREEDING. |_ Tuere has been a Committee formed in Dublin by the Council of the | Royal Agricultural Society of Ireland, “to inquire into the causes of the | deterioration in the breed of Irish horses.” We hope the same Com- mittee will devote its attention to a much more important matter—the also preservation of Irish Bulls, the breed of which isgknown all over the | | world from the peculiar construction of its parts, as wellas from the number of its points. The strange fi these same ian Bulls, possessed as they were, with the wildest animal spirits, generally pre- sented to the mind’s eye, are far too np eye alge lost to the country, which owes no little ofits fame tothe and perpetua- tion of the invaluable species. : Sometimes we fancy that the Irish Bulls are not by any means | sO numerous, or so rich, or so racy now as they were when Miss Epcewortu wrote her celebrated Essay in their favour. In those days no Irishman, apparently, could take the smallest flight without instantly ing, to the amusement of everybody, on the horns of a dilemma. The breed deserves every encouragement, for talk as we may about hs, we are sure no laugh ever e: that which invariably d Irish Bull; and the laughter was always the in question happened to be a regular roarer. emanated from a greater, if the B ¢ down | deaths. The | heygknow well goes, to drive'a coach-and-six will be no more difficulty in | finding an opening through which they can with equal facility run a | Furious Driving. Tuerz is a loud outery for some legislative interference to furious driving, mn gy been the cause of so drivers themselves laugh at all such futile attempts. enough that if it be possible, as the sayi through any Act of Ries, that there Pickford’s van, or a brewer’s dray, or a Hansom cab, or any other | reckless vehicle, such as is usually the terror of women and timi es- | trians, that they please. From their lofty summit they have the whip- hand of the Law, and accordingly defy it.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruaryr 27, 1864. NEW THEATRICAL DIFFICULTY. Tnce—Winter, during a Severe Frost. Scunzs—Manager’s Private Room. ManaGer discovered seated, reading, with a proper Seeling of pride, his own Playbill, Manager (to himself). “Cataract—real water”—ab, that'll hit ’em. heard). Come in! Enter PROMPTER. Manager. Well, Hickson, what is it? Hickson (unhesitatingly). 1m afraid, Ma ing wp quic ’ Well She Sir, is— Manager. Is what? What? Hickson. Well, Sir, the water—the Water’s froozed!!! Manager. Blank—Blank ad lib. 5 What! Why? HEMP FOR HEMP. AtrHouGH a reasonably sober people, we are accounted by some friends even, Quakers and others, to be chargeable with a drop too much. That drop is one which neither cheers nor inebriates ; but kills. Though not an infinitesimal drop, it is a homeopathic remedy for murder, exhibited on the principle that “like cures like.” It is questioned whether the end in view might not be as effectually achieved by other means. Can we do nothing better than hang for murder to prevent murder ? é Well; we might break murderers on the wheel; and if the fear of being hanged deters any number of persons from the commission 0 murder, it is probable that the fear of being broken on the wheel would deter more. Certainly it is better that murderers should die in torture than that innocent persons should be murdered. g is attended with some pain as it is. A writer in the Morning Post recommends that torture by whipping should be added to capital punishment for murder. And why not, if the addition of whipping to hanging is likely still further to diminish that number of murders which they are limited to by simple hanging ? . On. the other hand, if any punishment, short of death-punishment, would be as good a preventive of murder as that, I suppose everybody would consider it preferable, except those who take a delight in the spectacle, or the conception, of a man hanging, and are glad to get a legal excuse for hanging one occasionally. f In the meantime, Mr. Punch, Jet me call your attention to certain facts relative to the gallows not — generally considered. The firstof these is the fact, that, practically, we do not in reality hang for the crime of mur- der—we hang only for the accident of success in the attempt to murder. Sappose Sir, a ruffian takes a —— and smashes your beautiful nose, ocks out one of your fine eyes, beats all your ly front teeth down your throat, and fractures your skull, intending to kill you. Should you survive these injuries, this wretch who has ruined you for life, escapes with penal servitude. If you happen to die he is hanged. Why? Not for his fault, but, as far as your mere death goes, for his misfortune. But, some foreigner will ask, Is this law? Ay, marry, is °t; British criminal law as administered. Mr. Poncs, Sir, we can’t get the Cattarack this evening. kly). bas . didn’t it out till the Scene was just set—But the water, Manager rushes on the Stage, faints, and Theatre closes. | ‘ DUPIN AND HIS DUPES. Our esteemed friend M. Durms has lately been making a speech about the Suez and has been good enough to say, according to authorised report in the Debats :-— Pu... far it nemeenet, ~e true that she nny a er mn: hinder your endprtaiting, and pub 4 chop to oe Pee bat England, who for so many years frightened all the world, England now appears frightened at everything ( “pene. It may, therefore, be permi not go to war about the Suez Canal, and that she will console herself with the reflection that whilst it enriches other nations, none will derive more advantage from it than herself.” We venture, with all respect, to reply to M. Durrx, much in the way that his even more illus- trious countryman, M. Cuvrer, replied to the Acade- micians, when they were “ correcting ” the dictionary. “O, M. Covrer,” they said, as he entered one day, “we have just dismissed a definition which will have interest for you. We have settled the meaning of the word Crab.” “I shall be enchanted to hear your definition, gentlemen.” “This is it—Crab, a red fish that goes backwards.” ‘“‘ Admirable, gentle- men. Indeed, with the slight deduction that a crab is not red, is nota fish, pom y does not walk back your definition is absolutely perfect.” I Durty, we may observe that England is not envious, never desired to frighten all the world, and is now | not in the least frightened—unless it be lest orators of the candour and amiability of M. Durmy should | work Frenchmen into a false belief as to her power when really in earnest, a belief which might lead those worthy persons into conduct. that would pro- bably result in disasters to themselves. With that slight deduction, M. Durin’s statement is absolutely unimpeachable. Sacrifice to Shakspeare. Tr is suggested that the work of Art in honour of SHAKSPEARE should be a Monumental Brass, and that the most active and conspicuous gentleman of = cs Committee should furnish the material. (Knock at door _ Take the case of a miscreant who throttles you or breaks your head in order to get possession of your watch and chain: a garotter. If he happens to kill you, he is liable to be hanged: otherwise not, how much soever he may injure you. But a garotter, who crushes your windpipe or batters in a temples, though he may not positively intend to murder you, doesn’t know that he will not, and cares not if he does. Don’t you think now, Sir, that the same secondary punishment as that which would answer the purpose of putting a stop to tte robberies with murder as a possible result, would be as effectual for the prevention of premeditated murder? Because, if it would, then let me invite you to consider this other fact, namely, that the efficacy of a certain secondary punishment to prevent garotte robberies, is now on trial. Since whipping was superadded to penal servitude as the punishment of robbery accompanied with violence, we have certainly heard ve little of garotting. Perhaps penal {servitude plus whipping woul deter wretches who meditate murder from committing it even more ye meee | than the gallows. Vindictiveness would be enabled to rejoice in the endurance, by the murderer under the lash, of longer and sharper than those which are momentary, or over in a few minutes. ould it not, then, be a tolerably safe experiment to try the effect of hemp in the secondary form of the Cat ? We thus cut the knot of the halter if we do not untie it, and if we do untie the slip-knot, we tie stronger knots, perhaps, in the scourge. iat experimentum, I say, in corpore vili ; and remain, Yours really and truly, In TexRrorem. P.S. Catcrarr should have compensation if he lost business. Severe Caution to Word-Mongers. Tue following is a curious proof of how far many an idle word (and in the document in question there were no less than 1050 words of that particular dolce far niente description) will carry :— “The Royal Speech,” says the Opinione Nationale, *‘ on opening the Session of the English Parliament, was transmitted to Paris by five wires.” However, we scarcely needed the above fact to. convince us that the oars Speech this year was the most wire-drawn production we have ever known.

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ae —

Feorvarr 27, 1864] -PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 89

HOW TO HONOUR SHAKSPEARE. THE USE OF ARMY CHAPLAINS. THE numerous admirers| Iw reporting the progress of the burglary which the combined Aus- of the admirable dra-| trians and Prussians have been committing in Schleswig, the Special matic poet, W1tt1aM | Correspondent of the Zimes, with reference to the latter division of the SHAKSPEARE, have re-| gang, offers the ensuing observation to persons endowed with reason ;— vi him ware d * presen’ “I am not sure that it is likely to encourage young soldiers to be addressed upon & Vestimor ON | the field in the terms which an acquaintance of mine assured me he heard employed the occasion of his three | to-day by a well-meaning Chaplain who, in a short discourse, intended to arouse hundredth _birth-day. | the religious feelings of a battalion, informed them that it was highly probable | Testimonial we sa , | very few of them might come out of the struggle upon which they were at that | instead of memo moment about to enter. because a memorial to} A full report of the reverend gentleman’s discourse would doubtless the “dear son of me-/have precluded any question as to its effect on their — Of course , mory, great heir of|no sailitery Chaplain would be suffered to suggest to his congregation, fame,” would be a prae- | on the point of going into action, that the majority of them were going | tical bull. A testimo-| to fall, and might then possibly go to another abode than that of bliss. | nial, not a memorial, is |The cloth to which Army Chaplai by, Sear be no wet blanket. | the proper thing forthe | It is their business to make the pith of the y which they address immortal SHaKsPEARE. | to soldiers on the eve of battle the orthodox equivalent of the exhor- What is it to be? Ap-/ tation which a Mussulman p would deliver under similar circum- | parently somewhat ma-} stances; predestination and promise; the latter still more inspiriting | nifold. The inhabitants | than the prospect held out to the Faithful who perish in the attempt to | of Stratford-on-Avon, | destroy their enemies :— with their Mayor at y : . * They come, their kerchiefs green they wave, their head, and in con- And welcome with a kiss the brave,

y A 4 WT proba offer eir : ‘ i ey 2 | nl y > talented fellow-towne- lle chases ire Chaplain above referred to might have assured his —— - man a testimonial con- | “ Who falls in battle ’gainst a Dane, > UX | siderably more hand- For ever with the Saints shall reign.” | Y NN th ilver ink- stand.’ It is proposed, | If he did not say something ofthat sort, he had better have held bis _ by the so-aaied Com- | tongue, or at least have ae 1ed unintelligibly, to the edifieation of his martial 0 memoration Committee, | flock. A scrap of Latin, such as— to erect a statue in} « ws honour of the divine hee a Ea Wutiams. We wish might have’a cheering influence on the uninstructed mind of a hero they may get one. If about to march into the cannon’s mouth. A however, enforcing British Art can make a the moral of the foregoing line, would be by most intelligent .\ statue at all, how can commanding officers as little calculated to foster that first of aa - it make ‘one of a W11- | virtues, intrepidity. The mission of an Army Chaplain is different from a now at om of ‘commen eng ex his ophese gf uae ess is os another ordinary mortals = 0 thing. is vocation, offici: considered, is by no means the same as authentic image of him, that a sculptor could copy, exists. Perhaps | that of a Gaol Chaplain, or a fe, that of sale whose eloquence is the gentlemen commissioned to negotiate the statue had better apply | required to awaken the consciences of respectable sinners. If the to Mr. Home the Medium, who has lately evinced some ability as a' ministrations of an Army Chaplain do not quiet instead of awakenin sculptor, and has been cultivating it at Rome. The combination of the consciences of the soldiers who sit or stand under him, and should seership with sculpture might ne Home to make a statue that would sit or stand at ease there, the wish of any judicious General must be really resemble SHaksPEaRE; and if his chisel did justice to SHAKSPEARE, that the benefit of those services were spared his troops and allotted to nobody would ever afterwards suspect him of chiselling any one else. | the enemy. However the proposed statue, if made, is expected not to engross all' There is no reason to doubt that the Prussian Chaplain put the the funds that be subscribed towards the glorification of SHak-/ subject of death and futurity in a hopeful light to the troops whom he SPEARE. There are several other ways and means by which it is designed was preparing to cut the throats of the Danes. It is fair to suppose to effect that purpose. One of the best that has as yet been suggested, that his ghostly admonitions urged them to fight like devils in the is pointed out by Mr. Bersamiy Wester, in a little memorandum certainty of dying like Christians. We may pretty safely assume that entitled “An Appeal to the Shakspeare Committee for the Royal he did his duty to the State, and satisfactorily answered one important eee See Herein — Wessrer puts the following question, | purpose for which, among the rest, he was pom Kam | which really seems unanswerable :— | “ What nobler monument could be erected to the Memory of SHAaKspEaRE, him- | self a player, than the building and endowing the two Schools of this College in his name, and enabling a few worn-out actors to pass in comfort to their last home who SLAVERY IN SCOTL AND. have contributed to your pleasure and amusement ?” | Recollect that either by sanctimony, or starched exclusiveness, or both | _Tue following afflicting statement appeared the other day among the the actors have been done out of their proper share of ‘‘ God’s gift” and | Notices to Correspondents in a penny weekly paper :— ALLEYN’s Offering at Dulwich. SHaksPEaRe, whose reticence of his per-| « t7e,7meR Bett, an English girl, just eighteen, tall, witha fine face and splendid sonal feelings is peculiar, makes more than one exception in favour of | figure, at present residing in Scotland, a country which she detests, as well as the the “ poor player.” Here below he sympathised keenly with his fellow- | people in it, can only hope for a release OO ee opens Se ice ont au eg cls on dhe oes of ths lan Ea | toe. She an beet fren tre nd a moderne dependence argue > . . | fortune.” probable that by building, and endowing in his name, the two contem- ; ‘ plated schools of the Royal Dramatic-College, his countrymen and lovers | _ Is the age of chivalry, then, really past? Is there no young English would erect a pile of masonry whose use might enable him to recognise | champion who will start forth, and release this maiden from her it at his present altitude, whence he might have some difficulty in dis- | bondage? What! a prisoner in Scotland, and with people she detests ! cerning so small a thing as the greatest piece of sculpture. If they will | Such an outrage really puts one in an out-and-out rage. oe eee, set him up a graven image, they must ; but, to make the gift the more | and tall is she? with a moderate independence, and a splendid figure ? gracious, Tet them, in addition to a bronze or marble figure, endow him, | By Saint George! we’ve really half a mind ourselves to go and see im the form which Mr. WesstTER names, with bricks and mortar. what we can do for her. A wife and seven children, it is true, are some slight india he in hase ee pees Bew,” Sie J. ‘ 4 Wipe would doubtless break such trifling ties upon us. Les, yes; 1 Rarmway Lrreratvre.—In consequence of the vast increase of must be so: fate has clearly willed it. So, farewell, ANcELuvA! travelling accommodation by Rail to all parts of the Kingdom, a farewell Janz, James, Juuiana, Joun, Jone, Jutta, and Jemma ! Portable Edition of Bradshaw's Guide for the ensuing year will be | What, ho! without there! Hansom! Varlet, catch us the next train. published monthly, in three volumes at a time. Away! Away!! To Scotland!!!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fepruary 27, 1864 oan we wee ai, QT Or y, HANTS ON SCHLESWIG-HOLSTEIN. Whar o’ voreign complications, ‘Tf I knows what that word manes, Most upsets a feller’s patience, Is the Germans and the Danes. Southern hotheads slays their brothers, Why ? for ’tis their nature to ; But I did think them there others Too fur north the like to do. Wuss than French Mossoos, or Spanish, Mad on glory and eeclaa, Here’s the Germans wi’ the Danish Gone to war about a straa! Grandpapa. “ Heypay! Wat Makes My LittLe DaRLina so cross!” Little Darling. ‘Way, Granppa, MAMMA WANTS ME TO GO TO A PANTOMIME IN THE Day Trvs, as 1F I was a MFRE CHILD!” A MULL BY MAX MULLER. | Unoer the title of “A German Plea for Germans,” Proressor Max Mouzer | writes a long and elaborate letter to the Times, of which almost all from the begin- | ning to nearly the end will be denied, but what thus follows will be admitted, by | most Englishmen :— “‘ Every life that is sacrificed in this purposeless and unhallowed war is precious to some one, | to some mother, or wife, or a or sister. Even those ra; and unkempt Croats have | and unkempt mothers and wives at home, who will go wild when they hear of | of their sons and husbands. We have heard to-day of the death of the brave Paince | or Wortemsurc. We may hear to-morrow of the death of a Prince or Prussia, a Kina oF | DenMAaRK, a Prince or Hotstern. Let those who have power and influence work for peace | without ceasing ; but let them work in the true spirit of peace and charity, not in the spirit of | hatred, malice, and uncharitableness.” | So the war which the Germans are waging againt the Danes is called by Pro. | ressoR Max MUtieR a “purposeless and unhallowed war.” And this is the | conclusion of “A German Plea for Germans.” Such an end to such an apology | would seem rather suitable to an Irish Plea for Irishmen. Every life that is sacri- ficed in a | py erp and unhallowed war is deservedly sacrificed if he that has lost it engaged in that war of his own accord. If he was only driven into it as a sheep to | the {slaughter, then his life is sacrificed to gratify the ‘vain ambition of odious people and execrable sovereigns. Every Dane that is slain in the war now raging, is murdered, if that war is, as PRoresson Max MULLER says it is, a pur- poseless and unhallowed one. His murderers are the German people in general, | and the rulers of the two chief German states in particular. His blood is on the | heads of the Germans, and. on the heads of Francis-JosepH or Austria and | Wit1aM or Prussta. On their heads also is the blood of all the ragged and | unkempt Croats, together with every soldier in every German regiment, besides the d ones, that have been dragged unwillingly to die for nothing from mothers | and wives, who will no doubt go wild when they hear of the deaths of their sons | and husbands, butchered in vain. If their word is to be taken, If their faith ben’t all my eye, Gammon zummut else nor bacon ; If so be as they doan’t lie. This here Schleswig-Holstein rampus Han’t bin brought about by much, All, for aught as I can compass, peakin Danish for High Dutch. Here’s a precious cause for battle, If no more but what they owns, Slaughter’n Christians wuss than cattle, Crackun heads and breakun bones ! Fancy in Zouthampton Water, Ships a batter’n of the town, Or a scene 0’ blood and slaughter Acted out on Twyford Down, All because the law’s decided, And the sarvis zaid or zung In fine English, not provided In the native Hampshire tongue ! Yaa! if that was all the matter, *T would ha’ zoon bin zet to rights ; *Tain’t about a pint o’ patter As the Danes and Germans fights. Them there Germans has intentions Of another sart and kind From the purpose which they mentions ; Motives what they keeps behind. Schleswig-Holstein when to sever hey designs from Denmark’s State, Their true object and endeavour Is a Navy to create. Don’t you credit. their profession ! Their design is for to steal, And thereby to take possession Of that Baltic Harbour, Kiel. Let ’um bide; they’re in a hobble | Zaxons, Austrians, Proossians, Croats ; Mongst theirselves they ’re like to squabble : Let ’um cut ach others’ droats, Whilst Italians and Hungarians For their liberty combine, And the Vrench, on them barbarians, Pushes vorrards to the Rhine. THE GHOST OF A COMPLIMENT. Our friend, the Morning Star, speaking of a Miss TOWNLEY, says :— “That young lady appears to have established herself at the Canterbury as the prima donna of spectral opera.” | | | | This is a new kind of accomplishment. Where, too, is the Spectral Opera generally performed? We suppose, at some of “the Shades.” The voices of ghosts, and such | | spectral subjects, must be, we should imagine, a little | | gone, and they would be rather inclined, one cannot nee But is the war of fifty to one forced by Germans on Denmark, indeed purposeless ? | fsncying, to sing a trifle too deep—so deep that one woul Listen, Prorgssor Max MO.iEr. As to the purpose of your countrymen and clients, don’t you hear a little bird that sings :— “ They ‘re fighting to steal The harbour of Kiel.” The war is unhallowed enough; but no more purposeless than assassination com- mitted for the purpose of plunder. not care about following them. By the bye, with a rare | qualification, like the one above specified, Miss TOWNLEY | should be specially well up in WeBeEr’s Ruler ofthe Spirits. | | We suppose the latter would fitly come under the denomi- | nation of “Spectral Opera?” and if a ballet was wanted for | it, they might appropriately introduce The Shadow Dance. | Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of Whieseters, City of London, a their Office in Lombard street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No. 8, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.—Sartvuapat, February 27, 1864.

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Marcu 5, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MR. BULL UPON THE DANISH QUESTION. I pon’r want to fight; but I don’t like to see Two big bullies a small boy attack : And it may be deemed selfish and sneakish in me, While wishing the boy from his bullies were free, My fists in his aid to hold back. Mind, it is not for cowardice, ’tis not for cost, That I stand for the present aside : And though Tories may tell me my prestige I ’ve lost, By their taunts into fighting I ’ll never be forced, While a loophole for Peace is untried. Yes, I own that in state-craft not seldom I’ve erred, In diplomacy often been duped, For I’ve somehow a habit of keeping my word, A habit that seems to those statesmen absurd Who so oft to deceive me have stooped. That my efforts as yet have but little availed To prevent needless bloodshed I own; But the quarrel’s not mine: and, although I have fuiled, No fair reason the critics, my course who ’ve assailed, For armed interference have shown. Is my honour in doubt? Have I plighted my word With my cannon my counsels to back ? Then you'll find by no fear of expense I’m deterred, And when once the war spirit within me is stirred *Tis not easy its fury to slack. For glory, for interest, no war I will wage : But, once shown” tis my duty to fight, Then ’tis fairly recorded in History’s page That I ne’er was a sluggard to throw down my gage, And to cry, ‘‘ Heaven prosper the Right !” Disinterested Opposition. | Tuer House of Commons going into Committee of Supply on the Naval Estimates, Mr. BERNAL Osporne moved that | their consideration should be postponed till that day three weeks. The Collective Wisdom rejected this» proposal, as probably considering so precipitate an attempt to embarrass Potatoe Merchant. “ Hatto! wHat Cueer? Done Work ror THE Nicat?” the Government on the part of the Ex-Secretary of the Advertisement (dolefully). “ BLEss You, NO; ONLY GOING TO GeT FresH CanpLEs!” | Admiralty, a proceeding somewhat out.of place. The Commons plunged into the Dano-German, or rather the Disraz1o- PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. | ge | war. The 9 Wea ain — demand ad oe Fesrvuary 22, Monday. Both Houses came up lively and smilin | Papers, and were as angry at their being detained as a youn we and bent on mischief. There has been a scheme for a covered Areeds | clerk is, at a slap bang, w al ee a caper a - 0 — = between Regent Street and Bond Street, which would have given ladies | adv ertisements hin eM ‘Dis nel a | " be ges d vattes ; and swells a pleasant lounge when the weather was English. But divers | be a after him. - k ieaaed h "Cabi vot ong ms ah ng | interests were menaced, and many shopkeepers very naturally objected op 1 upon the deliberate wicke a i 7 yw hi _ anit, —- to a plan which would offer temptations to their esteemed patrons to | {#¢ Correspondence, and exclaimed, in ‘i thian ie y Mn. ae | make purchases elsewhere than at existing shops. So a formidable | light.” Ifhe didn’t get a light, he got a light answer from Guan: | Opposition was got up, and as, luckily, a useful charity-school would | S70%® who complimented him on his skill! in letting off | Sreworks | have had to be removed, the Bishops and Clergy were interested in and entirely declined to follow him in “saying smart things. ™ : answer to inquiries by Mr. Disrazxi as to the seizure of Jutland, Mr. | resistance. The brief was given to Lorp Dersy, who did his work with ‘ Se : i his accustomed adroitness, showed that the Arcade would be of no use, | pag ene a [de phere poten ae Ne Tt orope dilated upon the probability that naughty persons would go there (the ‘treating our menaces (we have made none), and then Mr. Bernat | excuse by — oO Baten {y e Quadrant was a urged that the | 9. pore saw his way to make capital play. We will not have harm. | Bin fa nad ea ee a anata ca he S| ee frewon,” he ud and telly moved that the ‘Nary Eating, | except the real one that the Bill was thrown out, though Lop | which stood for discussion, should be postponed. The spear was fairly | . : |thrown, but Mr. Rorsuck spoiled the fun by declaring that the pro- cng TE gs Soren gery Le scam iy posal amounted to a vote of want of confidence, and therefore he should | who is a sosmopolite, often thinks with regret, when the air is drizzle | SY port it. Then, of course, Mr. GLapsToNE rose up defiant, and and the s are slush, of the pleasant Arcades of Paris, and begs to " Prt : . 2 : “sae : He had a strong force with him, but it would not do to fight in earnest. | touch Loxp Dexsr’s classical nature by adding So he had to be dignified, to decline to take a vote by surprise, and to NOSETIA hold his men back. But he could not manage this with all of them, | MINARC _ —— he and the -— of oe Soaperatives = off, rn | | BERNAL OsBorne went to division, the ical leader of 36 Tories and | Go ADIA ; ‘ | 11 Liberals, but as there were 220 against him, he did not turn out the | ¢ a Nyon has sent out officers to watch the mode in which the | Government that time. And then Lorp Patmerston came in, and | a Coe Ate wer ra on 1 a Phagnes may a took his seat amid jplaudits. Is not the game of Parliament a merry 7 nfederate camp. the whole, Punch may possibly think that we might learn ‘more by a at Malta, and Dockyards at home, were the lively themes of a studying the way in which a small nation successfully defends itself | wrangle until 10.30. . against a large one, than by seeking lessons from commanders who have 7 p overwhe resources in hand, but no very brilliant ideas as to the|__ Zwesday. Three of the Lords goin, and all three sensibly, upon the way to use them. Penal Servitude System. Lorp Grey said, yery truly, that the difficult “* Puncu and the Ministers on this divide ; | question was, as to what the convict was to do when discharged, as They ’d watch the conquered, he the conquering side.” | honest workmen will not labour with him. There is a problem worthy VOL, XLVI. a fs ies Viidicnstattens cmaaeneess | offered battle, and Mr. Disraxrt had to bring new tactics into work. | ; -_ ee vie ae

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Manon 5, 1864.

the ingenuity of the Peerage, and that body would earn no end of kudos by solving the same. This is worth notice. ‘The Federals have been allowing the French, | with the consent of the English, to break the blockade, in order to get at Tobacco, which is much wanted in France. At first the excuse was | | made that the baccy had béen t before the war. But it came out | that ever so much of it had been bought after the war began, and yet | Lrxcotn let Narorgon have it, Russet assenting. Then, the excuse | was, that baeccy forms part of the French revenue, of which Mr. Lixcouy | and Queen Victoria are of course bound to take care. Well, but | am 5 part of our revenue, and, moreover, we want cotton as | much as France wants cigars. Why cannot the Federals be as_ civil to | us as to France? Echo answers—but we decline to republish her | remarks, as they might offend Mr. Szewarp. — é Mr. Locke Kre obtained leave to bring in a Bill for lowering the’ county franchise to £10. He objects to rest, or to be thankful either. | me . es out — the middle ae el n the ing morning five foreigners, i murder on piracy, were in a row, at the Old Bailey. To-night | the House had a Public’ Executions debate. Mr. Huppert (Oldham) | described such scenes as disgusting, and contended that the behaviour of the rabble showed that they pre uced no impression. Mr. Haprrenp took the same view, and said hts and executions were the most pular spectacles of the day, and if a fight occurred within two ms ow yards of that House, there would be a Count. Sm Gsorex Grey, for the Government, defended the system of capital punishments in public; said that the execution of the pirates had taken place with the general approval of the public, that no doubt the very lowest orders bled at such a scene, and that it was especially to them that its lesson was addressed, that it was impossible to say how much crime was prevented by the knowledge that murderers would be banged, and | that Society was by no means prepared to forego a system which was instinctively felt to deal just retribution and afford valuable — ALDERMAN Sipwey complained that almost every criminal was b into the City to be hanged. Lorp Henry Lennox had been to the | execution, and supported Mr. Hrssert’s view, and next day some- i imes some’ which meant that the correspondent and Lorp Henry had been together to see a Aght, 20 that he might also have supported Mr. Haprreny’s view. Bonnam CARTER opposed executions, and Lorp Grey pE WILTON said that he went to hanged, and thought that the impression made on the crowd was salutary. So the matter ended. 2 Next, we had another smart debate, raised by Mz. Seymour Firz- GERALD, about those unfortunate Rams of Ma. Larmp’s. The ATTORNEY- Generat, Lorp Rosert Cecu, Sim H. Carans, and Mr. Watpong, nl went ot the.jven sven homens ong Senge, Din sw 1 , bu the sensation of the night was created by the Conservative Mr. Tuomas | Bazine, Merchant Prince, who drew away from his usual party, and in | the interest of Commerce deno the system of arming privateers | in neutral ports to take part in war between ents. And Ma. Barve asked whether the defenders of Mr. Largp did not know a fectly well that the Rams were for Presipent Davis and nobody else. Of course everybody knew it, but what does that matter in a part | squabble? The division (Mr. Fitzemratp had asked for the | was a near one, and didnot mean papers or no papers, but Fede or Confederates, and there were 178 of the former to 153 of the latter. Wednesday. The Cows’ Malt Bill. The agriculturists do not like it much, for t — it as a tub to the malt-tax whale. One odd | | thing is, that beer as been brewed with the mixture of linseed which was to make brewing impossible, and Members have tasted it and declare that it is very beer—for the poor. 4 * Thursday.—Nothing in the Senate ose ‘a little pleasant row about i ces of opinion as to the desirability of producing the Ram | papers. The Arrornney-GeneraL had told Lorp Russgt1 that they | | must not be given, and the Soticrron-GeNERAL had told the Commons | that there was no objection to produce them. The fact was, that the Arrorney-Genera had changed his E egt Lord pangs Ah? When? ‘ore the debate, or after ? Lord Russell. Shan’t tell you. The communication is a privileged | one, Opposition Lords. Ha! ha! Ho! ho! Hee! hee!

Lord Granville (loftily). Really these points are infinitesimally small. | RD RussEL1 is, it is surprising that Lonp Dexsy Knowing how bus ean pester him with such ay questions. Lord Derby (probably). I’m sure you’re very good. Time to go and dress for dinner. [ Bravo, Mr. Cox! Hooray, Lorp Fermoy! These epigrammatic but ardent tributes of admiration and — are most respectfully offered to the above-named Metropolitan Members for moving and seconding an amendment which crushed and smashed a Bill for keeping up a toll-gate between St. Pancras and Islington for twenty-one years more. A likely story, when all the tolls are bemg snuffed out as inable nuisances. Lorp Enrrexp had put his name to the Bill, but as he had the grace to behave like a nobleman and a gentleman, and say that he was ashamed. and had done it without reading the Bill, we shall merely recommen ' make an exception this time. ¥ | able eunt omnes. | him in future to bear in mind a beautiful line in his own “ Speaker,” which says :— “Mind what you ‘re at, and <ikewise what you ‘re arter.” Mx. Cowrzr did not see why the big clock at Westminster should be kept t after Parliament hours, but if the House liked to burn no end of gas, it was none of his business. We do not know why the Commons burst out laughing when Mz. Darsy Gairriti rose to ask a rational question, or why they laughed again when Lorp Pat- MERSTON gave a snubbing answer. There was more reason to laugh when the Puauzan had to admit that having seized the Twscaloosa we had now found it expedient to let her go again; or when his Lordship had to say that though we have got Austria and Prussia to assent to a t , they laugh at our suggestion that there should pension of hostilities. Then the Navy Estimates were taken, and the debate lasted far into ht, and Government had a little beating—31 to 98, about one . There is a reduction of sea-men and sea-boys, and it does not be a sus- pce a Coronet Cra Wwiey’s friends in the Lords hada good deal to sayfor him, amd of course made the most of the acquittal. The Duxz oF CamBurnGE was quite pleased with the the Colonel had gone baek to his command with an reputation. Punch considers that the Colonel-is a very lucky man, and that the British Army is also lucky in ha 80 Wise a as the DuKE fact, we are all pleased. Under no circumstances is TowNuzy to be released from penal servi- tude. The House cheered. We seldom bet, but—however. and said that | we won't Ireland with all its wrongs, taxation ineluded, was referred toa Select _ excellent Committee, and is now, we hope, shelved. This act ended a rattling

SENSATION CENSUS. Paxctous amp Protective Pouxon, Now that the subject of Accidents by Fire in Theatres is on theapis, I want to know if you can induce any one in the House of | Commons to move for a Return of the number of killed or wounded. | temporarily or permanently injured among those actors who have been | engaged for the last two or three years in playing the Heroes and Heromes of those exciting Sensational Productions, now so much the | vogue. manner :—

Name of Characters in the rama. Number. Specification of Injury.

| Bily O’Connors(in the “‘Col- Seriously sprained in the, leen Bawn”) Back-fall from the Rock! intothe Water. . .. Miles Na Coppaleens (in do.) Injuries to arm, hand, and i head, in taking the Sen- sation Header . . . . ,In swinging across the Stage | on a Rope Somebody (name forgotten) Lamed for Life in descending in the “Peep o’ Day” . by the falling Branch of | Tree | | a By carrying Young Ladies up Ropes, rescuing

| s 5, in two, &c.

The official document might be drawn up in the following | Then again a strict inquiry might be made into the causes of these | accidents, and —— but, on looking at my watch, I find that I can write | no more upon this subject at present, having p what earlier than is my wont with a friend at his Club, in order that we romised to dine some- | | | | may have time to enjoy an anti-dyspeptic cigar before goin to witness | the eyo eye play i - brought out at y crowded, course the House is night e Surrey. Of | as, you see, if one doesn’t take | an eocly cuparenany of witnessing a Sensation Piece in which the | Lessee himself, as one of the Personages of the Drama, incurs consider- - rsonal risk, why, some untoward accident might happen, which wo shut up, an event which would be a matter for perpetual regret to those cause the piece to be withdrawn, and, perhaps, the Theatre to be | who had not had the good luck to be spectators of the performance either before or upon the night of the disaster. I am, Sir, yours in haste, ' | Pidena Lodge. | Vesrasian THE VICKED.

Apvicz To Smoxers.—Cut Cavendish.

en eS See

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Marcu 5, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE L ONDON CHARIVARI. 93 SHAKSPEARE AND HIS ASSAILANTS. Nike de t dear SHAKSPEARE signs are as plen- tiful as pick pockets, | ted | Here is one sugges by a writer in that influ- ential print the West London Observer :— “As the Stratford- on-Avon Memorial, let it by all means, be a startling Saar en, be wastn See of the birth- Place of the sweet Swan of Avon, ‘England's highest pride,’ by erecting there a tewer, say of at one hundred feet high, built with a solid core ‘Mimi. | Reed to take substanti THE STAFF COLLEGE. Dear Puncn, I_nave been 4 month reading for the next Staff College Entrance Examination, but the subjects are so numerous that I am quite bewildered, and want you to advise me what to do, The following is the style of information I have already succeeded in picking up :— “The Angle A is a right angle, and equal to ninety degrees of Fahren- heit, measured on a scale showing a hundred and twenty-seven Spanish kilométres to the square inch, multiplied by twice zy into the cube root of the ravelin in Cormontaigne’s fifteent stem, divided by decimal of a megalosaurus, completely upset the calculations of ARxcH- DUKE CHaRLEs, who, with his army in a highly spheroidal state, was endeavour: at Mare on the Northern frontier of Spain, to turn the flank of the Old Sandstone dissolved in bi-proto-carburetted hydrogen; the sandstone escapes, and the hydrogen forms a military road across Mont Cenis, at a distance from Wellington’s head-quarters, | and three aneroid barometers, doing as much work as seventeen tailors twenty-six hours a day, protected by trous de loup from the fire of three sapgabions along the shoulder angle of a plane of defilade erected on the Aachtire of a rhombic dodecahedron.” “© Ever yours, A Bewmperep CanprmpaTe ror THE Starr, ' HARRY VERSUS HARRIS. Lorp MALMESBURY og Sed the debate on the Royal Arcade’ Bill, thrown out, alluded to Mr. y Emanvst, the jeweller, of Brook Street, as “a gentleman of the Hebrew faith,’ Mr. EmAnvEt writes a letter to the Zimes, wherein, after answering the noble Ear!’s statement connecting him with “the perpetuation of the deficient width in Bond Street,” he makes the ensuing remark :— “I, of course, very much that my ‘ faith’ and the fact of my intended removal should be obnoxious to noble Lord, but am really at a loss to know what either of these subjects can have had to do with the matter under discussion, or why Lorp Matmessury should have obtruded them into a Parliamentary debate. as that whilst the plaintiff in this case names himself Harry Exanvni, the defendant is named James Howarp Harris. Harry against Harris! Such an antagonism would incline us to say, with a certain variation, “ When Greek meets Greek,” &c., It is a curious coincidence —) | if we did not know that Harris in this instance is a Christian surname, | knowing as we do that Harry is only the semblance of a Christian name. | We here see young Harry, as it were, with his beaver up, and asking | Harris what he means b dragging his “faith” and Si teeseigune of shop into the House of Lords. It is remarkable that Harry puts “faith” in inverts, which seém to imply a smile at the impu- better known what Faith .is as a synonym for the creed | the word | tation it conveys. Harris ought to have than to employ the speciality of Christi acknowledged by a gentleman in ical position. But there is a difference between the Earn or uRy, and the philosopher of that ilk, or any other. Masney will be Maancy ! WHO WILL SAY A WORD FOR THEM? My pzar Puyex, i Tuat was a good letter which you put in your last number, written by a balle beg, ye, orden, Sites, © wees to say, of | course, a Fave | of the Ballet.” I hope she and her sisterhood will | ne ae ee ees | | these -wor 8 are and w ex are besgtepierege om be, whieh the le who engage them | by rights ought to supply, I with more charity, even it eat cheeate a shape. Of course the public is too virtuous | to dream of founding an asylum for them, to which they might retire | when their dancing days are over, and where, in the event of accident orillness, they might be nursed and tended at the > own ex a T can conceive the many obstacles there are to such a scheme, and how, even were a Home for Ballet-girls established, it would be next door to impossible to get trustees to m it. What father of a family could undertake the office, without contimual torments in his domestic life ? Only just imagine black looks he would be ted with, on the | days when he returned from an inspection of the Home! Just conceive | the pious horror wherewith his wife would shrink and shudder at his mention of that terribly contaminating place! And supposing there d | should be some slight festivity at Christmas time, as is the custom now | at most Asylums, I believe, only think if he confessed that, as one of the M.C.’s there, he had danced with a live ballet-girl, even ek she was | past sixty, what an earthquake of domestic ties and friendships would result! What matron would receive such a Pariah in her drawing- | room ? What wife would not seek refuge in Sm J. P. Wixpe, his court ? So the notion of a National Asylum for Old Ballet-girls, I put aside as quite preposterous in this our moral Christian land. Yet I suppose, like other mortals, ballet-dancers do grow old, and they can’t save much | | to live on in their possible old age out of their twelve or fifteen shillings | | salary per week. What becomes then of our Columbines, our Fairies | /and our Sylphs, when they are over fifty, or are weakened in their legs? | Do their oe Bn provide them with some rural Bowers of Bliss, where | they may live in idle ease and happy freedom from the call-boy, until | the final call that summons them away? I fear,me this conjecture is scarce | borne out by the fact that their Managers require them to buy their satin shoes and silk tights and other costly clothing out of their twelve shillings a-week. Yet even ballet-girls must live, even when they are | | past work, though where and how they do so is a mystery to me. Were a Home for them established, that mystery would be solved: for although it might be difficult to get a building big enough to hold the | many applicants who doubtless soon would flock to it, still at the Home | funds might be furnished for those who could not live in it to be lodged and fed elsewhere. - I just throw out the suggestion, but of any one will act on it, for 1 know th much morality to think of doing anyt irls, who are supposed to be descend f course Polite Society can never be interest in persons of this sort. Still al feel disposed to help to keep poor vallet-gi would not be altogether pleased were bal course I don’t expect that at most rich people have far too for such e as poor ballet- from pnd ge the Tet Tribes. Roach Polite Soctety Suuy not iety may no “hie Hl i irls extinct. When Mrs. e, I think Polite Society Overr Wricuteouse gets her annual Christmas box and takes her children to a morning performance of a pantomime (which everybody knows is far more moral than an evening one), I doubt if she or the would like to find the part of Columbine and to be told that the fairies had retired from scenic life for fear of being destitute and starved in their old age. So if the irls be needful to the plea- or of - eee I think Society might stretch a hand to help them in | their need. | With a million of apologies to the million of your moral readers for | intruding on their notice a subject of this highly objectionable sort, I | will only in conclusion add, that if my hint be taken and a subscription fairly started for the purpose I have advocated, I shall be happy to sub- mind) scribe myself (at the bottom.of a cheque, mi ONE WHO WILL Pay.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Maron 5, 1864, ithe i, Wass: is MZ Our pEaR OLD FRIEND BR—GGS, WHO HAS BECOME VERY PARTICULAR ABOUT THE HORSE HE RIDES, PURCHASES ONE OF THOSE EXTRAORDINARY COBS, UP TO WEIGHT, WARRANTED NEVER TO TRIP NOR SHY, AND WHICH ARE SO INVALUABLE TO AN ELDERLY OR A TIMID Riper! THe ANIMAL HAS, HOWEVER, AMONGST A FEW OTHER PLAYFUL PECULIARITIES, A HABIT OF TRYING TO JaM HIS Riper’s Lee , AGAINST THE WALL, TO-SAY NOTHING OF WALKING ABOUT ON HIS Hinp LxEGs, aS IF HE WERE 4 BiPeD! PA-PERS ! “‘Lorp Dersy moved for papers,—— Mr. Disragtt moved for papers.——Mr. Seymour Firzceratp moved for papers, &c., &c., &c. (Left moving.) —Parliamentary Reports, passim. Or products that Japan affords Paper deserves to rank her chief : Houses she binds in paper boards, Paper ’s her pocket-handkerchief ; Her fabrics and her furniture, From chimney-pot to scraper, Are nothing, travellers aver, But paper, paper, paper ! Japanese calinets we know ve long braved competition, But now the fashion of Japan Spreads to the Opposition, When Dizzy, midst the loud applause Of Tadpole and of Taper, Essays to build the Tory cause ith paper, paper, paper ! Lest Japanese embellishments =a to =r Drawer lacking, e gives us “ fireworks” guantum suff. And lays on loads of “ thecking id With lacquer of false rhetoric, Dazzles gobemouche and { } gaper, But still the fond, though varnished thick, | M Rary-ror-Inera. Really, considering the wet weather we have had lately, Rarn-anp-Raty had better have staged seep, and RaIn-For- | Ivera taken his passage to Calcutta, where he might have been | in the dry season. Is paper, paper, paper ! | Let those who thus in paper build, And scorn Fact’s bricks and mortar, {Tableau. Mr. B. as he appeared on the pavement. Remember papier maché melts When it gets in hot water. As a breath floors a house of cards, And brings to grief its shaper, So Truth’s least whiff will blow up yards Of paper, paper, paper ! Tcarus soared on paper wings ; Mosrecagvantn Gite too Was paper, bursting just as he Proposed to soar the moon to: On paper if the light you thrust, It vanishes in vapour;— Bad omens all, for those #h® trust To paper, paper, paper ! GLADSTONE knows almost everything, But had he been more ’cute, he Would have foreseen this cry, and not Struck off the paper-duty. In sheets, when Truth does penance, we May be content to drape her, But Truth ’s what you least wish to see, On paper, paper, paper ! Coals to Newcastle. Ws learn from Southampton the arrival of the Poouah with the adagascar ambassadors—their Excellencies Ratn-anp-RaIn an welcome *" owmreyT rwwT «i DNVM ATHL NVO-SUAdVd THON LVHM G7FYZH THL ANY Gyranrro ant inn int t AED ‘ww Tr eras

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Kcr PAPERS ! PAPERS! PAPERS ! Joun Russet, “ PLEASE, MY LORD, THEM TORIES WOULD BE MUCH OBLEEGED FOR PAPERS” , Lorp Pam, “ PAPERS! HAVEN’T THEY GOT THE STANDARD AND THE HERALD. WHAT MORE PAPERS CAN THEY WANT?”

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Manon 5, 1864] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. 97 L THE ROW OF THE ROTUNDA. Txowex hush’d the Oirish Harp, the sharp F Mara pp the Shannon shore ; —— Por the fa sl rt of tuna fe vine oe wid the Fenians to the fore ! Wile sore Dublin Bd *d insinse high to of the ony | } Rared ve offince foraninst her College Green ? eh Densod the Corporation, ll rise a demonsthration, Says SULLIVAN ov the ne Nation, “though I pen 2 my last thirteen. “There’s Father Cuark won’t fail, And for Crorry I’d go And Priest Layeay, i's a dale he'd dare i, Erin's name; And the place is the tunda, ‘Where a meeting 1 ll Pot onday, But whol’Z.get, I wondther, for a spaker at that * Och million murther, who ins, County it spakin’ ?—he’s the ¢ t ; ee ore ?? sure, at that It’s himsélf’s the boy ar, oe Bills wint out for Monday noi And ould Oireland in its moi Rose and packed the flure as toight as herrin-casks on Queen’stown But hoo gallery wickets, sens teneeran wae picks To take money for the tickets, sure the people staid away. , Mistxer Gut moved wid an air Misrazr Crorry to the Chair, And bade thin and there, wipe the stain from off her brow, Of cz ALBERT’s statue seen, Towra hi on College a ta “* Where Gaarran’s: — .... andit’s him-we'll put now ” Th Dosanoo aow mn To%move a resolution, wid ogame sem the Chair ; unstable— Wy they put haeosnn: table, Which was anythin’ b nk aide auind sanlehe af weade to ear? And he tould them “how of all The meetins in Thane wes none bt lesa gi sel the met: in his view, So, majestic in its mien, eee arene But there they dthrowned him Tee ad « Fouien.dabbehoo! bg O’Donaxoo looked quare, ‘At the ruction that was there Tould how he'd pid is fae from Kerry all the way, the cause of the Oirish nation, . At Sunurvan’s invitation— Bat the boys they lost that patience, and the-sticks began to play.’ Tt was “ Suitivan aboo !” “Suiivan GoutaH!” too, And “ Up and down wid Suxttvan,” and a “at it soon, po te Ah,” That bates the “ Mallow,” And “ Garryowen” bolo, fr alan foightin’ chune. Such a soight, I ween, Since a we ald green the shillelaghs used to fly on : i : Th amesialiine tam his the other on For the raison why who ’d bother ? Sure all Oirishmen is brothers, if you want a raison why. Sates and forrums wint to desthruction Tn this refreshin loin berks e Is more than I can say, Barrin’ emmalndy ee comeeny ates * like fayver, that Ww spy teh age Or, worms in pigs, the crathurs, or murrain in a byre. There was Fenians si ache we roy em That ’s put down siven thousand pound Oireland by-and-by, 3 From the base and That wears whole coats hind‘cun yinmitay lags tox taal eee nee ie teeta ere: Whether Fenians or They made the flure too For Crorry, and The O’Donanoo from his pil Fifteen — first and last, In oratory Bat twoidign eae tll tes ee in nate cracks upon the crown. They tore up boords and benches Druv repoorters from their Sure the Brakes ie tanh and Frencues ’ud have joyed to see "Twas the Irish race of ould, Not the people, slaved and sould, Wid the Saxon sense so cowld, to resthrain them from the foight ! Wid no word but a blow, The O’Donanoo & Go. The bould Fenians did o’erthrow, and their conquerin’ ‘banner raise— Once a table-cover clean, hen the colour it was green Laurel it should have been, sah eatenne hen Sheins laiiee. Then here ’s up wid Erin’s cause, And here eerie Wid Saxon laws— Saxon sinse yt me ca hw maneness we eschew ; enians kee iol cay Seeteees ot Gael Av he comes here, not be floored as we floored "The O"Donax00. lep. down : THE STOCKS AT STP. IVES. Tue heart of every Sabbatarian beadle in the kingdom who reads the pone will have — warmed by the following paragraph which has “Revival or tHe Srocxs.—On Tuesday afternoon three stocks at St. Ives, Cornwall, for three hours, for ha’ This mode of punishment had not been adopted novel sight consequently attracted several hundreds of All hoaea that defiance of modern public feeli trates of the good old school who made no bones of putting a of idle boysjin the stocks. It had become stocks as a barbarous anachronism, and. Justices as not exactly entitled = = on n0 greasy with boys. It is needless to inquire whether, . Feying ng les on.a Sunday, the boys, who were so very perly why = Cornish Magistrates, were violating the law. ? te they were doubtless following their ordinary occupation. To persons, indeed, who know how to Agen. > a healthy Cop in arbitrarily punishing street-boys, and eqoaasy So Be s to the clerical and gical mind, those Magistrates would have afforded high they had sentenced the boys to the stocks simply for playmg day of the week. In Fon ie dei with that pusishanentt. almost instantly on the ‘decision of the Queen’s Bench in Fe haymaking case at Leigh, ¢ hey will be cousdered by the highly aes oped who admire their co to have acted as season- it ably as wisely. Sentimental twaddlers ask if children in the stocks for playing on a Sunday is the way, to Ln ir religious feelings? ‘The sufficient answer is “Yes ive grin. Ascoringl, of cures the Home SucRETARY will m mat remove the gen- o made so edif: fying an oem a leash of varlets as that wie is hereby proposes for his ap —- from the.Commission of the Peace. And doubtless as ee eae sre pathise so —s with the proper no hg , and is so Innocent of an y, Samet tance with a "tragedy of of Lear, Toor, that a line adapted from “that le drama, namely ~ Who put the boys i’ the stocks?” will not, whenever their worships make their appearance in public henceforth, be shouted in their an. IRR Re oe 8p weed

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcn 5, 1864. AD CLERUM. Mr. Puncu, as the Great Public Moralist of the age, oe entertained the highest or the clergy. How much they owe he needs not asseverate. Some of the happiest things in the popular courses of the day, have been derived from his columns. In the benevolence of spirit that has always influenced him, he now devotes a chapter on Beards to their service. The Count npen, require this attention; they are behind the age, and have not the opportunity of | becoming acquainted with the im- | provements of this advancing period, Mr. Punch has, therefore, catalogued and the various methods of disposing of Nature’s | noblest adornment to the face of man, for their service. The Barbine | Movement is altogether the pro-| | perty of the Establishment,—no | opish priest in this country has | entrenched upon this prerogative. | | The Dissenters shave in gloomy silence, leaving this noble field of ecclesiastical adornment to the | Clergy of the Establishment. The first | Mr. Punch recommends | to his Clerical friends is i | This consists simply of a very bold development of the hirsute privi- leges of manhood. | Mufty is achieved by givi a complete freedom to Nature. No, single hair is to be curtailed in| its luxurious growth. Truants are | indeed to be brought into order by a proper application of the curling | tongs, a herein g negligence to | made apparent by the frequent | application of a well-greased palm | with a circular movement to the | mass of beard. But no water must | approach pw pena the sacred Frocinet admired in the “ Monks of Mufty is an excellent device wherewith to encounter Mr. Srur- GEoN’s “roaring Devils.” It answers the same purpose as war- paint on an Indian’s face. ', A Vj p Next in Order somes, Bafiy. This is a most pleasing orna- ment, it answers best where the many | dull, aay his own, he wags up and down and | and hair is black and roses and lilies | by the encouragement of whiskers adorn the face of the youthful | and moustache, blending them to- curate. It consists in a single of hair passing under the chin from temple to temple, like the frill of | ~ gcigde . It i ae, very ni arranged. e face must be cleanly shaved, and curling- tongs, bost nm, bandoline, and gum Arabic, must all be judiciously applied to put Rufty in good shape, and keep him in hen goon meg A doubt of a moustache may some- times be advantageously admitted | with Rufty. This is a very insinu- ating beard. | | | | | } | gether in one long roll, pointed at the end, and comniunicating rigi- dity by means of gum and bando- line; the chin must be closely cut Tufty comes next, a most appro- be are. This is a very pious riate ornament for jocose preachers of the SpuRGEON ¢ t simply consists of an oval unshaven spot on the very point of the chin. Neither whiskers nor moustache consort with Tufty, he must be the sole centre of attraction. The advan of this arrangement are the preacher never so keeps up a bye-play of right and left, with every move- ment of the chin or draught in the Church. The juvenile members of a con ion are always much edified by They watch him with intense interest, and as he sways to and fro “like that white courser’s tail, the Giant Steed to be bestrode by Death,” they gaze on the fountain of orthodoxy with re om. Tufty gives great point by his waggery to every joke, he certainly must be coeoand a most tious arrangement of the pilose adornment. The animal creation affords us some lessons on this subject which we may improve, and of which the clergy have taken very proper vantage. For instance, the Tur- keycock affords us a hint for a very charming arrangement of pil- osity. In this case we allow neither ard nor moustache, but a very simple development of the whisker. It is brought down in the shape of a turkeycock’s jowls, the scizzors nes a with gum, and i needful, a horsehair centre, will — this admired form to perfec- ion. Next to Tufty comes the Fan,— the lower line of the face must in this case mark the limit to which the razor may go. When the hair has arrived,at a certain growth then the razor must clear all su- rfluity from the neck beneath, eaving half an inch of hair in depth to form the fan. Bandoline and gum Arabic will give this fringe roper set; it greatly sets off the human countenance as the fans of peacock feathers do the Pore. An insinuating preacher will ooey impress the serious mind by a well- Fan. truly patriarchal beard next becoming fringe, suggested by that amiable species of ape. It is a straight fringe round the face: it only requires frequent brushing to keep it stiff and straight, gum may be required, and Mr. Punch does not ctiect to a tint of cos- metic if the hair be turning grey. The Lynx is most appropriate for yteeen of the Boanerges class. t is easily achieved, but requires attention: the eye-brows must be gummed up at the corners, the moustache properly turned up secured with gum, and the chin be 0 We next have the Gibbon, a very demands our notice, it is the Mosaic Horn. This is developed! cleanly shaved with a semicircular line each side. A good Lynx ter- rifies evil-doers, particularly of the female class. The Goat is merely the under beard brought over the cravat; it is al solemn and patriarchal. The icone is unusual, but in a | few cases finds favour ; it is formed by shaving away all hirsute append- ideal lin ages above an i e drawn | across the face from the tip of one | ear to that of the other, and | allowing all below the line to grow | in perpendicular freedom. It be- | comes clerical gents of a middle age who still oy na in hirsute privi- leges on the lower part of the coun- tenance, and is an assertion of vigorous manhood, especially be- coming when the upper sphere of the cranium has been divested of its capillary attractions. These are the principal beards that adorn our pulpits ; a visions which it No doubt they great cone o dou ey y strengthen the Establishment by increasing the respect in which the clergy are held. Dissent came in with the razor; LatrmerR, CRANMER, and RIDLEY, of course had and it was the beard that awed the rebellious Puritan till the days of Lavp. The Roundheads clipped their locks in_mockery of a_ shaven clergy. The alone is want- ing to restore unity and piety to the land; it is a sure intimation that the clergy are above the poor vanities of the world—allow Nature to assert her privileges—and are too

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x ter- | the nder at ; Manou 5, oye PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARITVARI. 99 much taken up with higher duties to attend to the adornments of | succour against her dastardly assailants. No, my dear readers, not so; their persons. ‘ : cas ie but as our humbler classes say, more t’other. The commencement of Mr. Punch concludes by that as they permit their hair to | the article of which the foregoing samples may have made you smile, is grow ba neh ef fee- oey ' should suffer th La ee na as follows :— e birds’ claws,” effect of such a conjunction in pulpit w. tie he i istibl ee ee _England’s offence, you see, consists in the moral aid which she has SURPRISING ABUSE OF ENGLAND. oo hear | ; * = Rig Seg oe ap ye URELY we ought to be very much ashamed of | foregomg, and much more, slops at us, is a Viennese paper, said to be ourselves. i i the organ of the Austrian Minister, M. von Sonmeniims. ‘The title seereerse, of 9 nation, Sm so an eee under which it appears is that of the Wanderer. Well, well! Suppose money in taking a part in Continental squabbles. | We call it the Vagabond. Ifwe had any regard for our reputation, we’ should feel very much hurt at the scornful and in which we are spoken of A HAUNTED HOUSE! abusive by the foreign Press, as for instance by a paper : meme one of the parties in the} Wonperrvt facts for the Ghost Club, Sir,as sure as I’m alive. My wig-Holstein quarrel. Here are a few, | name is Guia, Cuantes Gui, M.D. T have for some time given my of the condition of other nations, for a just | MR. and Mrs. Wuyrey Brown, patients of mine, had the reputation of and logical mode of thought, or for the consideration | being haunted, 1 frequently called there. Mus. W. B., a remarkably and foreign opinions.” uently assured me, that, in the absence of her In the struggle against NAPOLEON THE First, for example, England consulted her own noises. We watched for many days, from eleven till four, but could snourred oa os : re suddenly a; out o' holders had geres hereon tocolahas ae the sed feo SO ee solemn and peculiarly plaintive state “of things in Schleswig and Holstein. We don’t know that those | Yl? Proceed, saying—“ M ringmemy body” Duchies are invaded on a trumpery pretext, and that, in the former of bye — ma —s - oo ri oo ———, floors them, numbers of brave men have been slaughtered. in the defence of | 7": POM know not. Bu Ber = 22% = pve Cecemon their country—do we? Or if we do know that Schleswig is suffering | ( So a Se . m id, ee — fouh be” a a the horrors of cruelly and wantonly inflicted, so incapable are we | who, it a L of a just and logical mode of thought as not to perceive that we ought watched) to bring its body. I remain, faithfully, th | Tuaxias Gui, M.D. erry Foun 2 a-contingent tothe Danish Army and a fleet to the aaa Prusiin. ogg bene per) —s bey nang Austria | Appended is the testimony of several witnesses :— When some years since, the attention of nger livi DepositTions OF CREDIBLE WITNESSES. casually residing at Fe gga = Pay voiced ssaaditdees ie nea ——— written by Eart Russet, he replied that England had never based her | 3 No. 1. ‘ i pri eon being ed by logic. Loap Evom might have beoeme jv hens i. tener ToMKINS, wy’ is when nie primacy ether chesventions characte glish | of me own home. o permit the young man (between which and me pega poe Spay tL Tae EE 7 justice e= | there is a horrible atachment) to call me AN@ELLICER. Yn rellayshins had based injustice ; or acting to other motives than those of her own advantage, | as exist between me and me mistress, she calls me by me own free peered m= war vbaees unc her insolence respecting the rights of nations ; oron | permishun, Marrar. I live in the house. On Twosday, ‘the 7th aqmasher egqenent in renouncing g = gue sllinne, = the french say, I ven ingas. i bed ood yp with Moms ; : 1PsoN, the nusserry guviniss. I am not in the of swayring, bu FI ay Bye poe a + aa: Hip e wig Ad bony ame that I do hearbye take my oath most solumly, that I hear a voice say 8 mans, ustice on | Mariar 7 3 that of the Danes. ‘With a selfish view to our own advantage only, we may ay ay (Signed) Ancaiiicer Tomxnns. not only deny the Danes assistance, but also treat their national nghts, No. 2. 0 py » with the contempt of arrogance and insolence.| At the request of Mx. Cuaries GULL, the attendant medical man to capeaniel deta a's such that even if we sometimes give Up | the family, I will take up my pen to write these few lines, in which claims weak . ones wy, wah ton ro ee ae On oe , Ose | | conscientiously assert, tha expected such i thetically applaud the o of Germany on Denmark. No, we are | the same servant to whom I was speaking, “ Bring memy body.” not a magnanimous nation; but :— | not faint. ‘ond F Pp “ On the contrary, English has ‘ : Mer (Signed) 'BEDEREIKA ANNE Pipson. > many times distinguished itself by cringing beter, Se song and by tiness to the weak. It is the character of | No. 3. a yiel Fat cnatransterred from English private life to English politics. To! any of us as offing see a ed 8 peering hout off same dore which you yield to the first tion, and to inde itself for so doing on those wh | = : Fgh weiataees, for a A time been the heroism of Engh policy, which 'see it. To this we taks our somel ofes good care no aquarrel with"the Uni ta’ t therefi carries off Brazilian ships because’ drunken English officer, who had behaved | DonniTaEE rg — Unth himself clownishly in the.streets of Rio Janeiro, received a due reprimand from the REBBEKKER WINN L { ). police. Happouruss, Page. nice person, has husband, who ’s ‘a ae City from ten till five, she has often heard queer | interests only, and not those ‘of fi at ? 7 pageex: : cht whi On. last , the 17th, however, as I was going u " all; witness the enormous national which 1 On Ted head of a iad 7 t on last Tuesday, the 7th, I, while iving a | ow of a foundation. It.was to be | few directions to Manta, the lady’s maid, heard a voice htincaiy a sneaking set of bullies as we are would sympa- | saying, “ Manta,” addressing, as | have since had reason to suppose, | | out of a whole column of cruel things, which | attention to spiritual phenomena, and haye on every pt occasion this indignant journal says about us - | tried to obtam an experimental knowledge of the hitherto, to me, men :— invisible and inaudible world. : o has never made herself remarkable forthe | .,/8Ving heard that number B4, Blank Place, a house belonging to i 1 | 4 | | | } | | ' | Exactly so; we pocketed the Trent affront on the one hand, and did ing extract from a letter of Mus, Wuyrrey Brown’s to a | not submit the Brazilian business to arbitration on the other ; much | hint SE ae light upon the above meatal ‘med less did we accept an award unfavourable to ourselves, and apolo | statements :-— Snobs that we are—amongst our other mean tricks lying incorrigi bly! te dee . iy , i * | Dear Carry,—When are you co to perteenene As to our Great Duxz or WELLINGTON, as we call him, he was com- | You est that mew-aliieb ga amin od a I've A: by a cant a anll ‘has had'the credit of a victory which was won | such a love of a body for it, which you must come and see to-morrow. “ We know very well that English children are taught in the schools that Englana | ouday, 6th. Yours for ever, Betawpa Brown. alo : A i, , Seo tthe soa ee ree ate Waterloo; but wenow | And finaly, from Mu, Wurzer Buoww to\his Solicitor, Raymond's ARSHAL FoRWARD, who was called at that time old Buucuer, | Buildings, Gray’s Inn. scrape.” (Extract.) : é Dear Szatrrr,—In answer to yours, I must be in the City from ten German accounts, M helped England out of the MarsHat Forwarp! Old Buvower! The story of Waterloo as Business is business ; but if I catch that-Guza 1’ll had been quoting a Danish paper, abusing us under natural feelings of “i ' Yours iy defa ; ‘nrreY Brown. related in German schools! Eh! Why, Mr. Punch, we thought you | till five every day. irritation occasioned by our ult to afford gallant little Denmark| County Chambers, Cornhill, Friday Y2th 7 2 9% v00e 0% Yo tas y w& te ‘ *e ** Ase" . ‘ , ‘ :

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THE FROZEN-OUT FOX-HUNTER. aS soll “ald a } Swe | f Nites Z =f) =, Sportine MILITaIRE RECALLS TO MIND HIS CANADIAN EXPERIENCES (THE GROUND BEING DREP WITH Snow), BUILDS A TREBOGGIN, AND FoR THE MOMENT CEASES TO SWEAR AT THE FROST, OR TO REGRET THE SIX HUNTERS HE HAS EATING THEIR HEADS OFF IN THE STABLE. A MAN AND A “ BROTHER.” | sperrety kind o’ chap and may be'as he ’d- show fight the same as he ded wunst or was it RevverenD Mister Brewery* with a right down red hot Poker or some Trifle of that sort But what I sah is if so be as I san Punch owd feller what du yow think o’ this here a Sunday skollard was’a readun of aloud by way o” practisen his wice to me and. Mister Sprogeuns. he’s our parrish clerk. and Pork butcher and others of the cumpny as were a setten arter Chuch ‘last Sunday arternoon afore the fire at the Blew Lion— “* Brorusr Ionatrvus.—The establishment of a ‘monastery’ in Norwich by the * English Order of St. Benedict’ has caused considerable excitement in that city. Se great has been the elamour occasioned that the brethren have had to call in the aid of the police, and they have now resolved to admit no one to their chapel except on payment of a small admission fee. Sexson tickets, at 8s. per quarter, have also been introduced. It is announced that the chapel will be solemnly opened on Thureday, and that some ‘novices will make their profession of the monastic vows’ on the cecasion. Brother Ignatius is the master-spirit in all these proceedings.” Mister Srroceuns he declare he doent believe’ its legal for to keep the Public out of any public’plaice of Washup excepten them as Bay for the adage Bed foen there But I sah if them there Frseiies air allowed to turn a chapel into a Theaytre i sah Blame it mister Sproceuns I doent wonder at their wanten to take money at the Doors—yow see | them brothers of Sint oa Dick ‘hev bin a playen of the farce of dressen up like roaming Catholecs and that is what hev caused the Rowdedow there’ve bin among the fokes of Norridge which yow know where the emf live and he is one of the Low Church all thou ‘I’ve bin .towd he’s over 6 foot high and as sech in course he carnt abide sech-Mummery and Phlummery any more nor U nor i can du But what I, sah.to mister Sproccuns I sposen my bor Jim and me were now in Norridj and wish to sea them brithren of Sint Benny Dick performen and dident feel nit noways under any obliggation for to take a Season ticket seein as how I sah we oney meant to stop one Sunday in the place and I sah sposen as how the Brethren said they | woodent let us in I sah to him I sah d’ yow think the Law ud let us jest | see who’s the Stronger Man i sah and wood it be a False imprisonment ~- my bor J > Sag me_shood be took up by the Paleece I’m towd that this here Mister Ignacious who’ve bin called a Master sperrit is a r parrygraft as | my boy Jm« who is my-eldest and pretty nigh a Man all thou he’s still | me and'my bor Jn sliood find ourselves at’ Norridge and want I say to see the Brothers of Sint Benny Dick performen at their theaytre other | ways their Money Starey i sah Blame it sm I inow* Brother | Pugnacious as we call him woodent’ stop ‘us thow he had a sight of other Brothers at his back So i remane your most obedent humble sarvent to comand Rosert otherways Bos’ Broaprist 15 year come Michelmas bellringer and Blacksmith as live nigh Holzer Soffuk. * Query, Drury? +t Anglicé, know, VERY PLEASANT NEWS. Our friend the Leicester Journal contains the following pleasing intelligence :— “ We understand that Mr. Benepict is putting the last touches to an operetta entitled The Bride of Song, which is whispered to be in Ma. Bswepict’s very best manner, and to contain some of the loveliest airs that Master has written for years.” Mr. BenzpIct is one of the most delightful of composers, as well as one of the best of good fellows, and we are always eager to welcome anything from his pen. This paragraph shows that his very domestics | areas proud of their employer as the musical world is. The word | “ whispered” evidently means that Mr. Benxpict’s faithful cook has | been listening at the door while he was playing on the pianoforte, and the mention of the loveliest airs Master has ever written, is touching in | its affectionate pride. The public will be enchanted to have an early opportunity of confirming the verdict of the appreciative domestic. TO CORRESPONDENTS. | A Succrssrut CarEEr.—The Editor will be obliged by the address the Artist. of Printed by Williaw’, ‘deadsury, pf, No. 1 Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, in Whi OR) Steet Grimcers ‘at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of ¥ of dow.—Satvspar, Merc’ 6, 3962. the County of" Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of "No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the P itefriare, ‘City of London, and Published by them at No. 8 Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. B recinet of ride, City

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Mancn 12, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 101 — ae SE A POET IN A PET. incs the “Mouse’s Petition,” | dear to good little boys and | girls, Mr. Punch has seen nothing more piteous than a Poet’s Plaint, which has just appeared in the Atheneum. It is indeed a sort of Singing- Mouse’s Petition. The sor- | rows of the unhappy bard must be deep indeed to cause | him to emit so lamentable a | wail, and we should like to wipe his eyes and comfort him, if : stated, his case $ ~ ee _ Prosai is this. He, Mn. Hewry F. Cuor ey, being by profession a Poet, was employed to write English words, or words which he might suppose to be English, as a “book” for the opera called Faust. Mr. Punch had the joy and delight of reading these words in his stall at Covent Garden, and —— he recollects thinking that though they were not worse than Mr. Frrzpax1’s lyrics, they were not so melodious as that other Poet’s remark- able strains. But as Faust was not sung in the Chorleian dialect, but in Italian, this did not matter. But when it was decided that Faust oud = pees, in nglis er Majesty’s Theatre, and Mr. Sms Regves was to be the victim of the Personage whom Lorp Westsury “has dismissed with costs,” the unsingable ne . F character of the Poet Cuor- LEY’s divine verses became a serious fact, and in short the great English tenor was obliged, after vain attempts to them, to stipulate that he should be furnished with to the music, and to the expression of the various passions of Dr. Faustus. % words were obtained (there must be another great poet in existence, in addition to Frrzpait and Cuortey, and who shall say that this is not England’s Augustan age?) and Mr. Sims Renves made a grand success. The | critics, for some ee pny Rog us nothing about Poet the Third, and though the new | words were printed in theatre-books as “ Alterations,” the honour and glory of | them remained to Poet the Second. He has borne the laurels, vicariously, for some time, but now they seem too heavy for his pensive brow, and he has disclaimed | them in that part of our esteemed contemporary the Atheneum, wherein Mr. | Cuortey usually disports himself with quaint intimations that some tay whom | the town admires is not altogether so bad an artist as she would be if she were worse, or in similar le acridities. He complains, with a sweet and touching sadness, that Mr. Ri without leave from or “ warning to” him, the Poet, discarded his effusions and sang those of the other Poet. And as he appeals to the_public, it would be rude, as well as unkind, not to notice his hard case. e have been thinking how best to comfort him, but there are some woes which refuse assuagement, and which time only can cure, Shall we scold Mr. Sms Reeves? It certainly was very hard-hearted in him to refuse to spoil a great part, in the fate of which his own reputation and the interests of the theatre were at stake. He should have felt for the Poet, and struggled through his unsingable lines. If the result had been failure, and the singer had damaged his fame and the opera had not drawn, and the manager had lost his money, and the company had been disbanded; never mind, there would have been balm in Gilead, and also in Columbia, for the Poet CHortey’s inspirations would have been sung. But Mr. Sms Reeves would have artistic words, and the Poet wails. Poor dear Poet. Will he dry his eyes and be pleased if Mr. Punch looks into the book, | my takes out one of the dear little songs which the Poet Cuortxy has written? Let us try :-— « “ Who needs bidding to dare By a trumpet blown? Who lacks pity to spare When the field is woan? Who would fly from a foe Tho’ alone and last? Or boast he was true, As coward might do, When peril is past?’ There now. Is not that pretty and musical, and is not “blown” a neat rhyme to “won,” and is not the first question lucidly put, and is it not sweetly true that a coward might boast when peril is past, and when a foe is alone and last, would it not be absurd to | from him ? Come, Poet dear, out of an opera-full of gems like this you can afford to let a few be sacrificed to the absolute necessity of having the opera properly sung. That’s well—we are calmer now What? A fresh outbreak! What’s the matter now? Rest, rest, perturbed poet. What is it? “ Mr. Santier the admirable Valentine) found that he could not make the oet’s words in the dying scene effective, and got others.” Nay, this is piling up the tical agony, Pelion upon Ossa. Punch feels unequal to do more in the ouerng line. Here are the two leading artists of the lis stage uniting to protest that Mr.Cuorter is not a lyric poet. Wegive up. All we can say is, that he had better take the opera-house, and come out, himself, as Faust, singing his own divine poetry, and afterw; can give his candid opinion of himself in the Atheneum. A MAD WORLD. Far no more war ; the world is _ Too wise and too humane to fight. Opinion ’s rule mankind will own, And nations do each other right. None but the warfare of police, Henceforward will there be to do; Short work : war but to keep the peace When troubled by the few. So saying good men ‘went about, _ And everywhere such talk was Ere yet fell Nrcnonas let out The waters of accursed strife. Then nation against nation rose ; And prophecies of war no more, Were answered, by embattled foes, With clash of arms and cannon’s roar. The world has ever since been vexed With battle, bloodshed, death, and pain, We, lest the plague should reach us next, Ourselves on constant watch remain ; So much our prophets’ words were worth, So vain a tale of hope they told! The peoples yet are mad ; the earth Is of violence as of old. On either side this globe to scan, view the havock rampant there, Man, clutching at the throat of man, Of humankind might breed despair. Oh, wretched end of modern light, If men can work each other woe For frenzied lust of rule, in spite Of all those fratricides must know ! Now Science, which we hoped was given That mortals Nature might subdue, Is taxed for bolts that, farthest driven, May crush their fellows, flying true ; And armour to defend the sides Of the strong ship that keeps the sea, Or that which Ocean’s bosom rides With purpose to enslave the free. And here, e’en here, the fiend’s hot breath We feel, and hear the demon’s hiss, The taunt which, te the work of death, Would fain provoke us, as remiss. Despise it ; let the world friends ; hilst unmolested, 3 A Power above will shape their ends ; We’|l trust it to direot our own. Musical Notes. Minnie Mum—No, Mun, we are not acquainted with any Italian Opera entitled The Toothbrush. Orotchetty—_M. Govnop’s new Opera, Reine de Saba, is founded upon a tradition of Freemasonry concerning ApontraM, the Tyrian Master Builder. The chief feature | in the instrumentation is, we believe, an original accompani- | ment upon the Masonic Cymbals and triangle. VOL, XLVI, M

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102 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. [Maron 12, 1864, MISS ELLEN LYTTLE HUMBUG TO HER COUSIN, MISS FRANCES LYTTLE HUMBUG. Tulip Cottage, January 16, 1864. My Sweetest Fan, _ We are all ex: ly sorry that you cannot come to see us, an us we two must console ourselves with letters, though a very and poor consolation, when we thought of opening our heart into that of a loving and fuithful friend. But, alas! our hopes are nothing but bubbles, as Turrer so beautifully and em- phatically says. Now I must tell you that Miss Bett Hooroz has come back from Paris last week: she has been absent for six months, in order to com- plete her education, and has been staying with a French lady of a very good old family, the CaSSEROLLEs ; and, dear, you cannot fancy ; no, ou can’t, how frenchified Miss Bit has me, Sometimes she seems quite to be lost in French phrases, as “ Par »” and “ Com- ment vous pvtee-atie ?”—and then, recollecting herself, she one’s pardon in the most graceful manner. She told us a pt deal about the Empress and the French fashions. No one can fancy, she says, what ‘—¢ is for fur at present. Fur and Ham. § says, it is astonishing to see, hear, and read the for whiskers, auburn hair, blond curls, mous and brown fronts. All the caps, bonnets and hats are trimmed with fur; and she described to us some beautiful coiffures made of monkey- tails, cats’ paws, and a group of little grey and white mice. Curley pigs’-tails are much worn by ladies of distinction, and many donkeys’- ests tails in the Emperor’s household ; stuffed rats, fox-tails and groups of different vermin by elderly ladies (spinsters and such like) and dowagers, mothers-in-law, and maiden aunts. Of lions’paws and bulls’-tails the French seemed sof to be very fond. Miss Hoopror did not know or say, why not; but she was ite sure, that a drawing-room full of fashion- ~ ladies is one of the grandest sights in gay aris. Do you remember Janz Errre Gouprixcu, dear? Poor thing, now, since she has lost her aunt, she has been obliged to go as a compagnon to a Mrs. Trump who lives two miles from But, ‘dearest Fan, what a life the poor girl must lead! Mxs. Trump is always grumbling and oe Ree drops which smell just (I have heard so), and poor Janz Errre has read to her for hours together. And fancy, Mrs. Trump does not care for the political, or literary, or even for the fashion- able news—oh, no! but the poor girl has to read all the “ Notices to Correspondents ” and all the “ Advertisements.” Then Mrs. Trump is in her best spirits, and often exclaims: “ wonder who is that , Sonne who wants the plain cook at 115, Oxford Square ;” or, “‘ Who is that respectable young lady who wishes for a situation as aid: Fudge, Pooh, Stuff! ” or, “Please, my dear would you read those ‘Notices of Marriage ’ again, my dear ? ” So they go on forhours. Fancy, dear, I have to read the Papers, too; but to Papa, who likes but the po tical news; and now ve & sad time with all the German names and places, and generals in those tiresome duchies, you know, dearest, GenERAL ScHINKENBERG, and cE Buurwurst, and Prince ScHINGEL- stein. And then Papa says, they were all ogee with their pipes and _sauer- ut. I don’t know, dear, but Papa says so. Now, I wish I could tell you some more news, but we have very little here. I must not forget to mention that we are apes our new Curate in the nn ge Ee February. We have not heard much about him, but some say he is auburn and wears nice long whiskers, and is rather nieH, not in stature but in Church, I mean, dear. Others say, that he is married; but old Mrs. CrowBiLL, who ha seen a good deal of the world, says, “there is not a greater public and political nuisance than a married Curate who comes to a little place where there are many nice-loo girls.” So now I must finish, for I have to do up some o Papa’s neckties—but what does Sr WatTeR Scorr say, dear? “In this critical age, filial piety must hide herself in a closet, if she has a lh Kj HI Ht if | i mind to darn her father’s linen.” Therefore, don’t tell, dear! don’t! With love to all, ever your faithful loving and attached friend and cousin, Exten Lytrie Humeve. Metropolitan Railway. Tue London Butchers’ Senger, dential) are going into the Committee ms for powers to y= a Line, specially for Cattle trains, from the west to the east end markets. The name proposed is The Line of Mutton.

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Scere SE ek eer = — Manon 12, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 103 \ Tyee vyay DIRECTIONS FOR MAKING PARLIAMENTARY FIREWORKS (4 Zé DISRAELI). Wovutp you know what the stuff is made of that ’s used by the undertaker Of the unsavoury trade of Opposition firework-maker ? Mix inferences and fictions, With imputations enough, d sarcasms and contradictions— You needn’t mind weighing the stuff.— Steel-filin; orenaemate And salt for burning blue—_ The best, if you have it, ’s Attic, But any salt will do. Any paper a case will make, nd any stick a handle; F’en a Ferrand fact you may take, Or a Hennessy Roman-scandal. If oe *d damp the stuff in your mortar— et powder smokes more than dry— Abundance of cold water, ; Your party will supply. Take a lucifer out of your pocket, Set a light to your firework quick, It will go up like a rocket, And come down like the stick. If the House of Commons admire works _Of this kind, they ’ll not charm less, Since such Parliamen fireworks Are warranted perfectly harmless. "Twas Danny the fireworks displayed In the days when Vauxhall was busy ; But now he’s turned over the trade, And his successor is Dizzy. Hibernian Swell (to Young Ensign who is going to India), “ Ye’ne sHurz TO MEET} To Horricunturists.—The Shaks ian Tercentenary ME BROTHER SOMEWHERE IM BENGAL, AND YE’LL KNOW’M IMMADIATELY; SHURE Festival at Stratford will, this year, be the Great Flower HE’s NO BEARD oR MOUSTACHE, BUT OTHERWISE WE’RE AS LOIKE aS TWO Pags.” | Show of the Season. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Leap Year Day, 1864, Monday. The Marquis or WestTMzaTH rn 1784) has fot it into his venerable old head that in spite of M. Mazzini’s d that he had hing to do with the plot against the life of the Emprnorn Napoxzon, the ex-Triumvir was concerned in the matter. This is the uis’s “moral conviction,” and he wanted to know whether, if the Government shared it, anything could be done to anybody under the Alien Act. Lorp Russex1 had no such moral con- viction, and was going to do nothing. The UIs OF WESTMEATH and the Marquis pz Borssy have several points in common, only the husband of La Guicctotz is the cleverer old goose of the twain. Lorp Sr. Lzonarp’s “ran over” the Townley case, after which gymnastic performance he intimated his dissatisfaction at that person’s escape from capital punishment. The discussion arose on the Insane Prisoners Bill, which was read a Second Time, and may be considered as the Law of the Future. . Mz. Layarp explained to the Commons that the Danish Government had acted with the utmost loyalty and _ faith in the matter of a shi that was building, on the Clyde, for Denmark, and which we h detained, as we were bound to do, not being at war with Denmark’s snemy, rmany. We hope not to hecome entitled to let the vessel go. Mr. Layarp also made the House laugh at the expense of Mr. Daxsy GrirritH, who wished to know whether telegraphic messages were printed enemy the despatches laid before Parliament. They never are, or we should have some pleasant conundrums under the blue covers. _ Then we had a personal scene. Mn. Stansre.p, Lord of Admiralty, is an old friend of Mazz mi. The Procureur du Roi, as he is called because Louis Naroteon is King of France, if not of Paris, was good enough, in the recent trial of Greco and his accomplices, to insinuate that an i = Ce ap ay oe en aphele cognisan' € assassination plot. TANSFELD gave an indignan’ prick Aad pede Te saree, end thon h pe Sine 50 ae eat as as ever was an ,. we do not regret it ; becanse Mn. SransrExp had an opportunity of declaring in the manliest way, that he was proud of the friendship of Mazzrnt, a declaration of course involving a belief in the impossibility of Mazzrn1’s knowledge of the plot. But this did not please the Popr’s friend, Mr. pr ped who renewed the imputation against the Italian gentleman, and ed him “this person,” and was also impertinent enough to ask Mr. Stans- FELD whether the “ mn” was the “ Mr. FrowEr ” spoken of by the Frenchman, and whether Mr. Sransrexp himself ever aided in collecting money for the Italian patriots. On the first point Mr. StansFELD had no knowl to the second question he gave a negative, though, had the rep ly been “ Yes,” most persons would have added “and quite right too.” Then Lorp Cravpe Hamittow and AtprerMan Ross asked other little questions, and the House, ashamed of the scene, shouted “ Don’t answer!” Mr. Disrazit made a long and fierce speech in abuse of Lon RussEt1, and described the Manistzy thus: “The drivers have lost the road, the reins have fallen from their hands, the horses are wild. Now,” he said, “‘ what ¢s your foreign policy?” Lorp Patmerston retorted with considerable energy, termed the oration “ a flash speech,” and bade the orator go on reading the Papers, and then he would find out what professed to want to know. "i SeyMour Firzceraup de- clared that we were in a critical — due to want of firmness, to vacillation, and to alternation of bragging and subserviency on the part of the Government. If these Opposition men believe a gnats of what they say, are they not utterly be g their trust, as Oppositionists, in not moving a vote of want of confidence? What's the good of snap- ping and bokiog, why not try a good bite in earnest ?—and then we shall see what we shall see. The CHANCELLOR OF THE ExcHEquEr fixed the Budget for Thursday the 7th of April. Twopence off the Income Tax, Mr. GLapsTONE, or you will see something in Mr. Punck’s eye, on the 8th of April, which will remind you of the eye which Seeva opened = the octagonal Rajah, vide the end of Thalaba the Destroyer, by Ropert SouTHEY, antepenultimate Laureate. : . Navy Estimates, and hearken, What do you think we are gomg to have at South Kensington now? Fortifications? No. A Shakspeare Memorial? No; though the site would be as — as one in the Green Park. Rifle ranges? No. O, you would not guess. A School Ar Rereresne. oer" 98 . Se -sissihes ea pao ‘ae Pesta ; ¢ © eee Se eam ta A ARR eR i Mi PE EN ENORMITY one 5

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~ 404 PUNCH, 08 THR LONDON SEARYAR (Maron 12, 1864. more, the Honse hal mor he san ar ea ae ’ a a 9 shall be temporary. No wonder the few Mem! their senses after such an announcement divided de. memorial, the tops of pm diy me mission. Tuesday. Lond CLANRICARDE takes — himself to be uncomfort- able wnt certain Americans are trying to raise recruits in Ireland. Does the ex-Privy Seal remember a ater answer to the latter’s hint for a «Well my boy “2 at! trout are biting this morning. So my boy, ou stick to and then they won’t bite you.” Let Lorp CLANRICARDE tongue until. a Federal’ sergeant offers 4im bounty-money. was said about the Fenians Lorp SS e-lben exactly that idiot demonstration. He said that it was utterly contempt Lorp Harrreron stated that there was to be d rival guns, ARMSTRONG 0, WHITWORTH. South Ke n, if the neighbours don’t mind about their A School of Nayal Gunnery might surely be set up beside rs already mentioned. Mz. Maxsu, ex-sheep farmer, complained that the Civil and Miscel- lancous Estimates increased enormously. He was quite right. fo Frep Pzet said that it couldn’t be helped. And he is quite right too. Wednesday. A Bill for testing Chain Cables, so as to ensure the oh of vessels at anchor, was referred to a select committee, and =e pn hope ‘that all its members have done a little sea- gong, and know something of the enormous importance of the question. t is much more pecneti, pad me: that it is in their committee room that they will find themselves at sea. Thursday. Mn. Horwoop asked that letters Post Office on Sun sent off on t ery a ly objected to t: i-Sabbatarian and 220 men required to dis that 20,000 letters would ben a } woe ed the provincials would be bothering for similar privi Hint eS pS OFFICE. at into the io Gensel Mr. Frep pal of whieh hang aoe _ Teller for every gt 10 received a ‘or one penny, would gooey stom = organised collectio Ss every to a be a love, not to say fun, for unemp | peemen) peoped ht tt er Sr Rowtanp with the ore noble off to a public man, and ass y no public man ever eed a a gift so well as the originator of the Penny Postage. He has oon dae more to civilise the country, and to omnes ee ya a living man. Will he take a'peerage? Pro ie il he ought to be in the next Gazette as hea Ge the bie in addition, ought to make him still ‘more as was poner I said) than ever. He ought to be able to tip every li and great Hill with gold. If the per people do not show their gratitude, now, we shall cut Britain, 5 oa Na ae ee into her place in the scale of nations. But we won’t believe t. @ and his have been set about universal | S8°% lost. Come, ladies and gentlemen, — ‘too and cards, and 1 ur collection of stamps. You may print this paragraph for ri ibution. Evidently the Government does not the Yeo most ry oe fe portion of our defensive service. ema a, sot iets out for its week of training this year, Bw y £46 be_saved. But the pro arrangement occasioned iret ght fn the Reuss, for many Members are yeo officers, auites is a handsome one, and the Government was all but beaten—saving itself by one only in a House of 315. Great shouti ei eceastenenentn Mn Basen is said to have whipped splen the crisis, but then this was | Dn. said by, an enemy, who wanted to yA that Ministers were coming *° Bloos FRRRAND, ood being up, we had another shindy. Mr. whose amiable business Ri is to up wretched fia grievances, which were not much when they and are now utterly stale, had a selp Raty ee the Comptroller of the Navy haviag worn his form hat at an election in 1859. This is the literal FsRRAND meaning of course that the official in Tnemres Rms fred | ped the contest. Sie J. Hay hada letter from Lee phir hus as the called ¥ ye fidy and hoped we the re h Teranath anthority be maintained le, by inviting Lornp CiarENce to vali pa titute "the strongest were BD a Manywers complimented BERNAL Bos and | the of so ‘ap a: “« in never ign igh, andre of pa ee won eg you what Snsand he a caret " bo tee, ipebared d ’ mutton v copes aioe t e are extravagant, Onot sy hk wake Fed oeuy wera Mrz: dna a rament recosiiien 0 ie ” Paracens a “a eptional recognition. iS of the rosiest. Mr. hi receded SPEKE. rABate was paid to the age brew gentleman, Sr , who has visited the ee or Morocoo, and has firman, yectaning not y Jews but all non- Sehometen Eb etts of the Sultan from the oppression and cruelty of which we have heard so much. The Galway job has vemaiied i in the muddle that was expected. Mr. Giapstong has a Bill for turning Government into an Assurance _. Ee is a the benefit o oo oe, ae Mr. OTTER ani _* persons are agitating against it, whence we infer that the To one, but we wait for the CHANCELLOR’S own explification thereo Loxp Patmgrston, in reference to the Soochow massacre, pleasantly said that all nations had their faults, and those of fhe ¢ = were per- el would cease, and the nder the circumstances he describes we don’t seem to care much about it. Then the sea-doings of the Confederates were discussed, and it appears that Government intends to remonstrate with Mr. Davis. The awkwardness is that our Remonstrator will: probably be pena br by: ee Federals, en route, But this might be Ea e Pen tude Bill ‘was debated, and ever | read a Mr. Harpy commented, with just severity, upon the excel aildness of the punishments awarded by some of The Judges, for the most atrocious outrages. We must have a talk to these y | extra-kind old gentlemen. A REAL RUFFIAN. Or all the sensation outrages of the day perhaps this kind of thing is 1 the most ou « ent a the quer Deyon has Ponder pight tad 8 Maroy It turned out that a labourer named Gzonee Nort had laid these obstructions, and been seized; he admitted his hey his sorrow. We are happy to say that he ig co commit: and as the — Prisoners Bill will have passed before he ehh e dock, po RANKEY CRAC SE Pe splendid ei ign is frentmetior was ie md and his maternal uncle an idiot. Fal hiceoan Widen o Fen 8 et ia S$ @ severer ier even a good deal of pain, or e orr were well flogged a each station on the line—and back again—the agricultural tural mind might receive a desi impression touching the of Society for such miscreants. Inquiring Wife to Learned ae sf as =} ‘9 Hebrew word, like Eva, tas idea? what’s its meaning, dear, T’ ft It pou -A. : a agen never ri ho has mae five Me Bae ee wishes ieks & appear Kare Bateman p. Truty Gaarayas 5 ae. Surrx, to the N i pri ad id os ag

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| Se (GN OO ee ee oe 8 eee ee, eee ee eee ee Oe 8 ieee a Fe ON NN ND ON EE OO ee OO | Uikia! 4 = =) a n | A > Sete (ae ne BARK AND NO BITE. Pam. “AH, YOU MAY BARK; BUT YOU WON’T FRIGHTEN MY HORSE, OR UNSEAT ME.” F 7 1% EE Ws =e B 8 8 zi & i = Aa AU 2 vane, 1 | I! ; y* i ||

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Yl’ YW Wun Uy, yj VAY ‘ke LUMA MM/, ‘P9ST “CL HOUVA—THVAINVHO NOCGNO' GUL YO “HONDd ft “HONVUA AM GHLNIVd NISSVSSV HSITONY sana rani (! : « SNISSVSSV ONIUIH JO ‘ANVH NI AoOWd ‘AASNOOV Ad NVO OHM GNQNOd TUV LNANVITUVd JO SHATNAW LVL GNVTONG NI XINO SI LL ,, “Sarwar, aT

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) Mgnox 12, 1864.) COMPLIMENT TO THE NAVY. From a Sketch taken in Regent Street. A KNOTTY POINT IN QUESTION. Mr. Puncu,—You will have seen that “ Humanitas,” in the Post, considers, and very flight extra my suggestion that perhaps penal — with the delightful extra of ob adige. ing, would be a preventive r more accordingly, may be worth | p a my But he fictoaten th ayes rim hneeit, and takes exception to the logic of my ent in its behi Please to observe, Sir, that my > pape of it is conditional ; rests on the supposition of the realty of hy apparent fact, which I do not pretend to be cock-sure of. But if parent fact is a real one, and no mistake, then I stick to my "re A And this is w’ A stop seems to haye Dat retty nearly, for the garotte 1 — b fad — Act which punishes them be whipring In addition Since the enactment of t hat statu have et very little o 7a But several murders ire occurred between then and BOM ae te gs gape | a the number of murders ¢o i ed the number of garotte alt Fort $04 it inks, at Teast, esi the cat-o’-nine-tails, super- | o; to penal servitude for the more terrors than the form of hemp. For the murderer, indeed, I Wey ier; Wee ® i oT ee” guilt,” ‘and the law hangs him one pre to kill ¢ en an early day, just now, to an a conclusion which ‘time™ may | and refute, but ye on for some ti : yout murders rane to outnum’ ratte robberies, fore surely be good grounds souchiding th ot Fae for garotte robbery is more our punishmen urder. tha ou Humanitas eer justly marks that “ Hanging ac uitita i Ea chara sti ote gare i a of , an ad seem it, is to o thtice. , 9 nf 0 check murder P wi mw do is eno r ev of vengeance. logging may roel Fi ery prposs ba that of fifty lashes, ints longer than Hanging ant there i veason to suppose thet ia mame palatal therefore be more formidable than hanging to some ae -! those are the sort of people - &. are ame gM to commit murder, it is better for Society that they should be fi I fully admit the force of the argument thus put by “ Lot G5 seb CE ciel Witt, Ei aks clk tak te Sin ak PUNCH, OR THE LONDON GHARIVARI. urderer who has ed human Society should Iai fi Hy | Han femed then T Tika, Big he ponte of thao . a3, ; of your ware not been hanged or trans- just been contrived. i for the sake o been , pages ighiy Tes able newspaper) and on these e reproductions of letters, many of them antiquated and harmless enough, br others—which are, of course, the feature of the affair—the writing of li iving persons, who have given no consent to such publication. In one case a private ps referring to a hy y= = raceme ph rocured from a collector of antag, on romise that pothing but the concluding words of form oa thes senate ree be copied. The letter was reproduced in full, and a subject is revived, years after it 2 ee been forgotten, Other letters have been in t. the clutches of the who had obtained possession of them ; Pe it is, of course, impossible to say whose private confidence way next be sold for sixpence. thing is far more ym es than publishing, that the editors of the dirty aera were scoundrels, and a everbniy valued their tales accordingly. of the publication. Old thoughts’ oniuion + petliapa hastily formed e pe on 0 an hastily e a since By: feelings, seeiven nces, regre W oe and given S the ahi for ot wr the pet tem bye ~~ The system:must be s' and Mr. Panel intena to do his beat to stop it. He has ample means of Going so in the — most damaging to the parties concerned. But a first avertissement, lication of a private bu the reprisal will begs to announce that if he hears of ano letter, without leave from the writer, or his family, r | not be to the advantage of the offending — which their names is not unbeknown,” to quote Mrs, Haggis ae “ as, igi Se Fi AR coos ge Ren ani too.” see on ocact fy ending por sae oe or oe s fily rg be wore aa than a Da nat —| ie j an, Masi Hota, "

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Mako 12, 1864. Picture Dealer. “Hunprep Guineas! Nonsense, 50 you MEAN, AW’ as To Guineas I ALWAYS CALL ’EM POUNDS; SAY THE WORD—HERE’S My BILL aT six MONTHS!” THE MONKEYS OF ST. BENEDICT. ‘Tus essential sameness of Man with the Gorilla has lately been urged with much vehemence by some —- who perhaps in their own poems afford the strongest proofs of it. A plausible argument ‘in its avour, however, may be addaced in the behaviour cf that eccentric creature called Brother Iexattvs, which is highly simious. This eccle- siastical oddity is said to be now a mm eg monkey’s tricks at } Norwich, where he, and some companions of his own breed,'have set up an establishment, in which they imitate monks. It is called the “Priory of Sts. Mary and Dunstan,” which of course one would, 4 priori, take to be a Roman Catholic institution. Its inmates style themselves friars of the “‘ English Order of St. Benedict ;” anda blessed lot they appear to be. In the Zimes we read that :— “ Although the weather has been extremely inclement this month, Brother Ienativs sits in a room without a fire, goes headed, and traverses muddy and snow covered streets with feet epee y by rough sandals only. In fact every possible austerity is practised by im and the brethren, who have received a few additions to their o of late.’ ,, they whip themselves, or perhaps one another. Really these ht be expected of a an by account it would seem that, if these mimics do not beat real mon P rather superior kind of anthropoid apes. If Brother Ienarivs were at gs are much the sort of conduct that Rome - zane be doi ia rewar ¢ Porz, perhaps, would not have him put into a and exhibited, or send him about with an organ-grinder to dhevlay his imitative powers ona table. But Brother Ienartus, if he persisted in aping the Clergy, would very likely get shut up by the Inquisition. The formation of a sham Nunnery at Norwich has been contemplated, and is only impeded by lack of funds. Should it be established, let us ho that the game of Monks and Nuns will end by the former marrying t latter, and thus, in the state of ae blessedness, constituting what is the only genuine English Order of St. Benedict. as the Romans do; but what would be his THE LAY OF DON FERRANDO. Don Ferranpo WHISKERANDOs is.a stout and stalwart knight, Woe be to the recreant wean meets his trenchant blade in fight: * Mounted on his great war-hobby, barded all in brass of proof, Trampling facts and crushing figures underneath his iron hoof, Rides this fearsome Don FeRRanpo, first a word and then a blow, Seeking Ogres, setting Giants up that he may lay them low ! Don Ferranpo never stayeth, whatsoe’er he cometh to— nine _ of logic leapeth, truth’s resistful bars breaks through, Spurneth breeding’s flimsy barriers, into flinders till they fly, Ridicule’s sharp caltrops braveth, and om re pd the go-by. Mail of argument he wears not, point 0: fence he scorns, Of the awfullest dilemma, rushes, fearless, on the horns ! Let the English sing the praises of St. George, the worm that slew, Let the Irish to the clairsach chaunt Milesian Borv ; ; Let the Cymraeg, in their Triads summon Artuor from his cave ; Let the Scot for Watuace wight bid Aytoun rhyme and BLackIE rave ; Bat let Britain’s House of Commons in its Dow Ferranpo still Boast knight-errant more adventurous, bolder front, and blinder will! If St. George destroyed the dragon, what ’s such deed of sarang nag Don Ferranpo, when he’d killed the dragon, would have eat too! If Bororume, that mighty moneen, x Clontarf defied the Dane, Don Ferranpo thrice has routed all his foes—thrice slain the slain. If Kine Artuur braved the Raven, and the Saxon crests laid flat, Hath not Dow Ferranpo smitten Captarn Rosrson’s cocked hat ? If wight Wattace wielded falchion, whereof none might brook the ow. What was WALLAcE’s long broadsword to Ferranpo’s longer bow ? With a blare of brazen trumpets and a roll of hollow drums, Such his pluck, he runs a-muck at all, and oft a “mucker” comes. Be it Cotton-Lords or Poor Laws, Whiggish Admiralty’s wrong, Or the Charity Commission, into them he goes ding-dong. Now on-sequiturs he dodgeth, cleaveth now negaturs through. If he miss a Pam to fight with, what of that? A Boase will do! Like the Knights of the Round Table, Don Ferranpo hath his quest, *Twas the Holy-Grail they sought for, he still seeketh the mare’s nest, When the great mare’s nest he findeth, ’tis a glorious sight to see, How left and right the addled eggs he flingeth round him furiouslie, Since Don | eng slit the wine-skins and the windmills’ arms defied, Ne’er was Knight like Don Ferranpo, of fair Devonport the pride ! DEGRADATION OF THE FRANCHISE. To Mx, Punca. Tuoven a working-man, I am not a bigoted Tory. On the contrary, I wish that with proper restrictions, the franchise should be extended to all respectable persons, provided that they give evidence of good sense enough to follow the example of their betters in the exercise of their right of voting. : But, Sir, the line must be drawn somewhere, ‘and our glorious Con- stitution must not be impaired by mock liberalism. é I observe with regret that the Irish Peers are so far unmindful of their station as to be agitating for an extension of the franchise by which they elect representatives, and I am grieved to see that the paning journal, usually the exponent of the feelings of the respectable part of the population, is giving prominence to the complaints of these unwise aspirants to the suffrage. as F Education, Sir, should precede political privileges, and I see rasan in the attainments or abilities of the Irish Peers to justify the propose degradation of the suffrage. I am aware that there are some honourable exceptions to the rule, but I must protest, in the name of our venerated Constitution, against the conferring the suffrage upon a class that does not appear to me fit to be entrusted with political power. We must not open the flood-gates, nor break the dams that have made our nation what it is, the envy of the world and the cynosure of surrounding Sm, peoples. ; Hoping tha you will employ your powerful pen in resisting revolu- tionary efforts like those of the misguided Irish- Peers, I am, Sir, Your obedient Servant, Carpenters’ Arms, A Sxmiep Mecuanic. ‘ Quire Surerrivovs.—“ What the Government required,” said the Marquis or Hartington, in moving the Army Estimates, “ was a perfect mode of rifling.” Haven’t they got the Income-Tax P

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL IDLE HANDS. Tu Poet who was not for an age, but as you are aware for all time, it is needless to that I allude to Dr. Warns, has well said, that a certain. person, who shall-be described as Blank, ** Finds some mischief For idle hands to do.” Often has it been my duty to inculcate this upon my listless twins, Y : , who diel dags in assisting one another to do nothing. number nine years between them, ung to be sent to school, and too gogo to remain any longer at home. In casting about for some method of ee these two little. men, short of dealing with them after the manner of the cruel uncle with the in the Wood, my eye fell upon the following i it :— WANTED, » YOUTH used to CUTTING UP Note and Letter Papers. Apply, é&c. Now this sort of em loyment would exactly suit these children; yes, as the Ethicpian melodists have sung :— “ Tt 'sackly suits dis Child!” They’re alwa tting into my Study and playing Young Harry pi , with any of my most important ee that may happen to come within their reach, _ f the Advertiser would only adopt as a eye * Wanted a few Mischievous Boys,’ he would soon be fi with such a supply of the article as would not leave a single sheet of note or letter-paper whole upon his table. News from Brazil. By the latest Brazil and River Plate Mails (March 5) we have received the following melancholy Musi Intelligence :— “ Common Bones Dull.” We should like to know how the Tambourine is? and will our interested readers unite in kind inquiries after the general efficiency of the Banjo and Accordion. Why does Volunteer Captain. “ My Lord, ALLOW ME; LET ME INTRODUCE TO You No. 450,| not the Uncommon Bones from the genuine CHRIsty’s 2np Batration, Lorp Kitkovey, Lorp Kitkovery, No. 450, 2np BarrTation.” Minstrels emigrate, and enliven the Brazilians. If the [And little Private Tufton, who had been everlastingly boring his Captain to intro-| ‘Common Bones’ is dull, he’d better leave, as he won’t duce him to his Colonel, Lory K., was intensely affronted and left the service. | have much chance of making a Lively-hood. SHUTTING UP OUR SUNDAYS. Amone the score or so of deputations that daily pester poor Lorp PALMERSTON, there was one the other day composed of carpenters and painters, and people of that sort, who have to get their living by their skill in handicraft, and who requested that his Lordship would kindly stand their friend in the matter of ange | healthy Sunday recreation. It appente some pious persons are doin they can to make people hate Sunday, by keeping them within doors, or else forcing them to church. The deputation represented that Sunday was the only day on which a great part of the Nation could go and see the pictures which happen to belong to it; and they thought if British workmen were allowed on Sunday afternoons to see the paintings in Trafalgar Square and the statues in Great Russell Street, their minds would not be harmed thereby but sensibly improved, and they would be the better able to compete with foreign workmen in the matter of skilled taste. Lorp Patmerston, replying with less truthfulness than tact, declared that British works were not inferior to foreign in design or manufacture, and with regard to throwing open the Museum and the Gallery :— “ With respect to the object of the deputation, he believed his opinions were pretty well known—(hear, yo he must remind them that there was a very strong feeling the other way. He thought the most prudent course to pursue at present ‘was to remain passive until public opinion was brought round to the object in view, and in the meantime he ad them to inculcate their opinions, and thus hasten on the accomplishment of their desire.” Very good, Lorp Patmerston. Then the way to get what is wanted is to get the matter talked about, and the way to get things about is to mention them in Punch. If your Lordship’s opinions about Sunday are “ well known,” so too are Mr. Punch’s, which happen to agree with them. Mr. Punch, however, cannot “remain passive,” as you tell the working men to do, and see them robbed of Sunday by the Sabbatarian fanatics, without feeling his fingers itch to take his cudgel up and lay about him lustily. The fanatics once tried to rob the poor man of his ro ap by but Mr. Punch topped up in time to stop their brutal act. No doubt the fanatics would like to rob the poor man altogether of his liberty on Sunday, but Mr. Punch will not keep passive, while they attempt todo so. If the fanatics had their own way, nobody would be allowed to leave his house on Sunday except to f° to church, and his regular attendance there they would compel by the Police. Pious people, who are rich of course, can stay at home and see their pictures ona Bunday : but to throw open a gallery for the pleasure of poor people, would be such desecration of the Sabbath as all proper minds must shrink from and in tly condemn. If it be found sinful to improve one’s mind on mye by all means let Museums and such yee remain closed. But till the sinfulness is shown him, Mr. Punch will not believe in it: nor will he “remain passive” while the sinfulness, as he thinks, is wickedly assumed. A man who works hard for six days at a monotonous Ge abe 3 4 needs in some way recreation as well as rest upon the seventh, and looking at good pictures is as innocent a pleasure as well can be devised for him. By a reductio ad absurdwm the truth is often to be reached. If it be wrong to see such things as TuRNER’s landscapes on a Sunday, it may fairly be contended that it must be likewise wrong to see the fields and trees and sunshine which Turner loved to paint. For the mere sake of consistency, the people who keep shut our picture alleries on Sunday should endeavour to do something towards keeping ature’s pictures also from a sight. The Universal Nature — osing Movement would find doubtless many fanatics quite ready to support it; and if it be found difficult to prevent the flowers from blooming and the sun from shining on the first day of the week, at least a trial might be made, by pale the police, to keep people in their houses ag 9 during church-time, to make them all walk blindfold when they went to church. To Acricutturists.—In consequence of 1864 being Leap year, we may be sure it will go off with yo Spring. Morro ror THe EcoNoMICALLY-MINDED Memsenrs or Opposition. —C’est le Premier Pam qui coitite,

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Yo re - 8 .

112 | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON GHARIVART. [Mion f2) 186% ‘ Lat Rafian (behind the Arras). Thine hour hast NEWS OF THE WORLD. Struggles inside the Ap somebody. Bite i oe Lh) i pap Ry heard in chanting. , ey you edit all the aaa oO among my eon on How touching upon any of the ve Tides wild a6 back to a they are sure to be of the utmost zo dy Yours very truly, MarrHew Muppiz. rights,” ration which has thrown ail my papers into the ible ‘ona usion. _ I hayen’t time to look over. the parcel, but élp thinking that I’ve pat those intended for your peri a sheet or two of the Hist Novel, or the Gnostic Heresy, or the Algebraic Treatise, or ed Please return them immediately. M.M. *.* Our Muddleheaded correspondent’s letter;was in type before we had time to sort his papers this has led to some slight confusion, that in fat contribution may be sent earlier in the week. PS. —_ houssmsid bee Deen SOee she calls “setting m rare te Chit-chat and General News.— the past week the Serpentine, frozen from end to end, has ypreny a gay and mene yw Skaters cutting ae of eigh eigh ane nines Noi by the wa t was the oa ok belore, or he ons yh ft to s to that; east I fancy "there must have been ice somewhere about that time, as I bb, a little boy saying to me—a dirty little street-boy ws | ame, such a capital thing, wy and clever as those bi fe do sometimes, about . ear me! how very strange, I the very ny tip. of my pen just now—well, I dare say it soon Shine back, and tis just as whether soontr < later. un I mean the he Danish estion, or German, on 90 about it. Ina a letter from abroad, I hear that the ‘talian plot in Paris . the Empgror Lovis N thease was 0} ERNARDO Nanp one of the Florentine citizens who had from _his cguaty in fhe time of Prerro pe’ Mepict og ied qibouts hundred | 6 of his partisans, surprised the Gate of Prato on the 6th of April, 1470. In the same year, namely, 1476, another ot was formed against GaxEazzo Sro under the leadership of INI, Po howard fe we have read in the Zimes, disayows all complicity in the The Theatres are all. doi well, and Oe ones Sh Stops ent Ct shows that a man like Mr. ——, I forget the e. rs wipe; We but I think he is some relation of that eminent Well, i ing, to 9 say, Fiat es Leduction of “that the of Saat. SPERE 8 from the wi luction of unthinking actors. And, if the theatres were onl more comfortable, so = one should not be epee up in a ‘ileae of a sail, or fg EE, seat of the dress c ircle, wi why, there can be Tayior, SHERLOCK, other wee! who interpret bony sense totally contrary to t aac ener ia Beveriper, and even the great Sant Hieronymus were unable to obtain a sight of the Chaldaie ve rsion, and have, therefore, made a fierce attack u TULLIAN, who ly ste I see by the advertisements, thai the Colosseum, in the Regent’s Park, is closed = so _ is one popular p of amusement the less in town, he ascending-room will be sent to one of the new grand hotels | or t the convenience of the rs in the attics—seventeen storeys above the level of the ere is to be a NS age oe es. I forget = but noes informed me of the fact bs “wt y¥,.80 you may depend upon my information. music— suddenly rises h ap th C. TevauiwA in Evelina, Horror! . estion has been of co ou haw Sap bre mouth,

nee oid ~'f

#8 (Ne 51 ae i a a #8) I can’t re-

FABLES FROM THE FRENCH. Tux old story that we English sell our wives in Smithfield, ag live on raw beef nabs, doubtless still continues to be prevalent in nore telegraphs and steam-boats have apparently done little for our across the Channel in the matter of improving their acquaintance with reat Britain, and enlightening their ignorance of us and our affairs. Here for instance is a statement which our friends have doubt- less ) qenenaly accepted as a truth: we quote it from the Paris corre- t of the Daily Telegraph, who is s of an article by a on | French dramatic critic which has recently appe: — el meee aly English 4 EH 1 maet 26 Ya. Det read in this same article that at the ‘ French ni London, the laughter follows some minutes after the joke, as the English mW tee the point till they have looked in the dictionary.” We almost wonder that the Frenchman did not proceed to say that, tg save our swells the trouble of looking in their dictionaries, a number reters were always kept in — and were let out just like pert glass a hal half-a-crown a night. he might as well have added iat the eetere all. stoped. s ‘lier very spec, until it had fom properly translated to the audience. How.suc would im- prove the effect of a s nee oe needless t6 assert ; ye = assertion might as w by a French writer; as being fo truthfulness a fit sequél to the statement that we quote above. Again, héré is another still moré startling fale about us, which we cité from that surprising newspaper Le Sport — oid irate hea eka es oe for an exhibition, at. which a magnificent prize be adjudged to “habe otek ht perhaps be permittéd hére mm but he would be a bo id mon wh perhaps venture to ree tte, shoal have a show “ ballet-girls. How would highly proper Clapham nounce the dire suggestion! What immense les of wo sda as | indignation would be spouted at the bare idea of such at exhibition ! What tremendous force of —, would athe husband have to bring to prove an alibi, were he accused at mS phn Lev Ba such a show! Besides, where is the man age Soe four thousand ballet-girls and decide which i xi me and should bear away the volt ‘3 ve suspect, had time of it with r| Juno and he awarded the a) i bag NM Venus, But

vo aise was Toad» preside at the shaw Ww Mg! septs of of have four tho (barring gee) oe fear we repeat, where is the Paris who w

| | | | /

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¥ * een ae. 4 ink eS

YF . ‘ \ “&% : ag | = B. £ Ubvwe PUNCH, OR THE LO

ae t 1)” yee a oh yw /\ # PL gs ‘ A Z y rg J } % (ef IX GG yf \ ¥ Volunteer Captain (who has, by accident, tumbled into his right place for the first time.) “HuLLo! HERE, GOOD GRACIOUS, WHERE ARE YOU

Gornc? As y’ WERE! Mark Time! WuHeEre am I[?!!”

CANARDS. Some of the French Papers we find, upon the authority of an English weekly ome oe have been filling up their “valuable space” with short paragraphs of the most startling penny-a-lining description. Anecdotes of oysters which have leaped furiously upon their aggressors, are among the mildest of these marvellous accounts. We present the following to the notice of any Parisian Editor whose eye they may catch, and we do not hereby reserve the right of translation. The Musical Fish.—A well-known Naturalist residing in Rue de M— fancying that he heard a sweet musical voice singing portions ] “Twelfth” in his kitchen, descended to the lower regions for the purpose of ascertaining to whom among the domestics this enchanting organ belonged. There was no one below-stairs; but on the was sitting a red herring, recently purchased, from whose mouth preapion most dulcet strains. oe sh did not notice his approach, entirely wra) up ina piece of music-paper, containing as it appears, that portion of the great composer’s works which he had just been practising. — A Lady in the neighbourhood of Billingsgate was the other day engaged in the delightfully refreshing pastime of picking ne inkles out of their native shells by the ingenious method of app yin a pin. One of the creatures becoming furious at this intrusion upon his domain, flew wildly at his tormentor, and bit her savagely on the lower jaw. Assistance was speedily obtained, .but not before the ferocious fish, (there is no doubt now but that it was quite mad), had left its marks on the legs and arms of two other ladies who had been similarly occupied. It was subsequently conducted before the Magistrate at Thames et who happening to be taking his tea at that hour, immediately it. Danger of paling Hard-boiled Eggs. Fearful Tragedy.—The other morning as Mr. Mivins was sitting down to breakfast, he espied an hard-boiled egg on the table. On gently attempting to crack its shell with his spoon, the egg leaped up and hit him so violently between the eyes as to cause internal hemorrhage of the triclinial cord. A little boy happening to be looking in at the window, immediately alarmed the bourhood with loud cries of “Ah! Balloon! Ah Bal-loon!” Before, however, medical assistance could be'procured, the unfortunate gentleman fell « victim to his ‘misplaced confidence. He was taken in | a cab to St. Paul’s, where, after pa omething over the usual fare, | he was interred with one solemnity. hile the organ aga forth its d farewell, there was — a dry eye anywhere for miles round, The festivities were not concluded until a late hour, and all returned home thoroughly satisfied with the efforts made for their amusement,

TERCENTENARY. Przasz, Mr. Puncn, ; How ought any one to pronounce this Tercentenary word ? Is it Ter-cénténtr¥? Or is it thus,— SuHaksPEARE’s Plays with beautiful scenery We shall behold at the Tercen/énary ? Or is it thus,— Mr. Puewps, in the Fourth King Henery, Acts for the sake of the Tercenéézary ? Tell us, like an authority as you are, and receive the thanks of A REPRESENTATIVE OF THE Urrer (Ciapron) Ciasses. *,.* Ask Mr. Herwortu Drxon, or any of the Hon. Little Secs.

To Ecclesiastical Correspondents. In Verger Clad—No. A Centenarian is not necessarily a heretic. A Brompton Beadle.—Wrong again. We never heard of any body of religionists called Roman Candlesticks, Consult Water-Basy CHARLES, Professor of History. Maz Muddle writes to know to what gender does a Sexton belong ? Is the Creature a Male-sexton or a pong snd iil ill Scrupulous Sam.—Of course you can get a f se proceeding is legal, at least in England, |

for yourself ; in fact, nei without it.

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ee Re és ate ‘ Ae ea 14 — ———— PETER Yee ov AK ’ Jt af GROSS IGNORANCE OF HEBREW. : ur Police rts are fost stipeliany Ma. — ' gistrates seldom make ri \- marks or prono j absurd or eins | + ase omar a representatives of Jus- tice Mrmas, and Judge can be excited, in any well-regulated mind by the statement that :— “ Cuantes Evans, 29, —e with lary at the Jews’ Synagogu Gren Prescott Geneve. Whitechapel, “am p the hy = ase the Ark” five scro of parchment, containing the five books of Moses (Pentateuch), valued at £60 or £70.” " This was simply a grave charge of violating the sanctity of a place of worship, and stealing see eens at avery serious sum, and perhaps worth much more. hat would not Brsnor CotEnso, or Tadeed any other Bishop understanding Hebrew, and wishing to know | : all that he ought to know, give for an authentic MS. of the Pentateuch ? | But it appears that the gentleman accused of taking Mosaic articles | from the Great Prescott Street Synagogue, conveyed them to the wrong | market ; and herein lies what wi ~~ be as the fun of | this otherwise merely disgraceful aflair. ‘o resume the report thereof :— , locked up the Chapel at six | ' o'clock on Wednesday evening, and on going there the following morning he found | | the back window open, and that the five parchment scrolls had been removed from | the Ark. They were bound with silk, and covered with silk and there | ‘was an ivory pointer on the scrolls used in the Hebrew. He identified the silk and pointer produced as those belonging to the scrolls.” The testimony of NaTHan only went to the disappearance of the | Pentateuch from the Ark. But then :— ; | “ Exwanvst Apranams, of Cable Street, said he purchased the silk and ivory | ter of the prisoner between twelve and one o'clock on Thursday for 2s. 2d. | “Warsaw Apranams, reader at the re were three pieces of biue silk, three pieces of ribbon, and six pieces of yellow No one, surely, but a man far too innocent to be a thief would | have taken such age ee! for sale to the shop of Mr. ABRAHAMS, who | proceeded to state what the accused must clearly have been ignorant of, | namely, that :— ‘* He was a Jew, and had seen ivory pointers like that at Jews’ Synagogues, but | he did not know what they were till a neighbour, named Rosensure, told him. | About an hour after, a man came from the Synagogue, and he produced the things | which were afterwards delivered to the police. That morning he was sent for to | the Synagogue, and on his way home he called at a coffee-shop and saw prisoner, | and gave him into custody.” What an absurdly simple fellow the alleged thief with a Christian name must have been if he actually went to dispose of the appurtenances | of a stolen Hebrew Pentateuch to the repository of a Hebrew mer- | chant! Of course the Synagogue knew where to send for them. To | carry them there was just walking into the lion’s mouth. It is rather | strange that this view was not exactly that taken by the presiding | Magistrate ; so that :— | “ Mr. ParTRivGe ¢ that a Jew attending xpressed his disgust should | have bought such articles, and said he should not allow the witness his expenses.” | It must be allowed, however, that the light in which the case thus pre- | sented itself, in relation to the witness, certainly does in some degree | coincide with that in which it was represented by the “ Prisoner said he bought the things of a man in Petticoat Lane for 2s., and that | ” 4, iia abies oh) i ¥ —————=== he had been told by Eumanvet AB to bring him property at any time, whether he cbtatnechhaiont or rene” cia -” _ If Mr. Panrerpes credited the latter of these assertions, he disbe- apt: former ; as he commana oy for trial. But those who adopt what we may suppose e been the Magistrate’s opinion on both of these points will not fail to recognise, in hate and the conveyance of its a Seyugigeme: thew woul bere lnaee thee steer aiakane ut a very ow Wo ve known whatever t the rule sp ikeh eexgorian, there were some ph Samy and that these |' would at least include the goods of the Synagogue. BUMBLEDOM'S OLD BOGIE. TreRe is an old Bogie that’s kept im the dark, To be out on every oc When a improvement awakens the bark Of Bunesue, great guardian of Vestrydom’s Ark, And the name of it’s CENTRALISATION. “Oh, take care of CewrraLisaTion ! It’s an awful thing, CanTRaLisamioy ! What it is we won’t say, But we ’ll earnestly pray, Preserve us from CentRa 1? When some long Vested aris wo lmger ae abi, And a zealous Reformer, or Minister bold Takes the bull by the horns, out this Bogie is railed From under the vestry-room table. Pd a pee is CRNTRALIBATION ! h And eats frogs and ragouts, And will, straight, ale Hossoce of the nation!” Of their ill-gotten gains would you squeeze some fat board, That has battened on snug peculation ? From publicity’s bull’s-eye throw light on the hoard Where the gains of some ancient Trusteeship are stored, Or the spoils of some grey corporation ? “To the rescue! Here’s CENTRALISATION ! Thieves! Robbery! Wrong! Confiscation! Joun But1’s common-weal The Palladium they ’d steal,' With the jemmy of Centratisation !” When Bumstzpow, big in belligerent pride, Hands Paup’rism o’er to starvation, Or has lifted its heel to spurn Misery aside ’ With so h a kick, that Gaunt Misery has died, (As it will do, for sheer aggravation), nguiry is CENTRALISATION ! The Poor-Law Board—CerntTRALISATION ! BumBtz scorns their Inspectors— They ’re bullies and Hectors And minions of CENTRALISATION ! Ts a sewer to be made, a foul trade to be stopped In full swing of its fragrant vocation P ”" Some plague-smitten court to be drained, sluiced, and mopped ? Some fever-nest purified, upas-tree lopped, Whose shadow is death’s ambush-station ? “ Hands off with your CenTRaisaTion! Saws and axes are CENTRALISATION ! Better, self-governed still, Leave the fever to kill, Than the door ope to CenTRattsation !” Now, when Giapstone brings thrift to each working bee’s cell, To guard toil’s savings against spoliation, Offers help that for age labour’s nest-egg may swell, From roguery of rogues, and fool’s folly as. well Guaranteed by the faith of the nation— Cry the Clubs (at paid agents’ dictation) ’ Give us risk and no CeNTRALISATION ! Let Self Government rash Wind up, spend, sot, or smash, But don’t save us by CentrRatisatiow! ” Pueristic GeomeTry.—How many squares make a round ?

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ats cH ve ; : “ ne a ih ate ei scence one is really know who’s or which of them is which. . le who are fond of being bewildered should go to the Princess’s, and try and guess which brother is before them in each scene. If they did so I think nine times out of ten they would guess wrongly, and the errors of the Comedy would a be exceeded by the errors of the audience. o doubt you have observed that, with other noble swells, Lord Dundreary has returned to his Town house for the Season. A writer | in the Reader informs me, that his Lordship, on the evenirig he came | k to us, “ was welcomed by a crammed and enthusiastic audience.” I wonder, they been orn &y the Mansion House, and there been surfeited with turtle and stuffed with salmon, venison, iced punch | and champagne, and all the other dainties wherewith Lord Mayors | cram their guests, A cratnmed house I have heard of, but it is quite a| novelty to hear of a crammed audience, and I thank thee, gentle Header, | for saying something new. By the bye, I wish his Lordship would give | his silly tricks of cttnilling against people and tumbling ‘into | ladies’ laps. He excites enough of laughter without stooping clownisms, which, though they may please the gallery, offen and boxes, and are excrescences quite foreign to the nature and the humour and refinement of the part. One looks for gag and claptrap tricks from actors who have not the brains to win applause without them ; but Mr. SorHzry is too clever to require such stage appliances, and he should not forget that Lord Dundreary is a ——s, and that the faintest smack of coarseness is as much out of his character as it would be for a sailor to walk out in top- to such boots for it, and their varied Gallery of Illustration three players are required i tis natural of course to find style of playing is really worth a look. TELBIN ery they will own that their conceptions fall short of the facts. e cynies growl and snarl at entertainments like the Pyramid, on the ground that, being judged fro much talking in them, and too little plot and action. But to find fault with entertainments because they are not plays, is pretty much as sensible as —— of plum pudding for not being roast beef. The Pyramid has plenty - good writing for its base, and I doubt not, will yg bon on it for many a esr hg? come. ei fault I find = it is, a appears upon stage in Mr. Parry’s presence, an somehow Mn. Parry escapes having to sit down to it. However, after the piano has been brought home from the Pyramid, the charming oer Sea they can conceive; but I fancy Som he stalls | man who thumps One af the exit merit in the Pyrami TY | criticism is an art of a to preserve "He stated that it Mrs. Roseleaf gives her little evening party wi' her frends Mr Yeonay aud Min Cuhington, PEREL OF PETTY TYRANNY. Tux rational Members of the who HE House of Commons mtu = 4 her people’s threatened iI 4 oa Ka 3 a = . Fa 2 personal liberty from the us agitators oting curtailment te regula’ ite ot in days of decreas take notice that, in the absence of the Member for THE BANTING CODE. Some glutton has stated that brave Mr. Bantine Himself *Tis false, and he But down toa has succumbed to lives, neither hundred and fifty the system he taught. ating nor : pounds brouglit. ting, He’s done it, and so may each overfed nigger Who’ll simply adopt resolution severe To avoid, if he woul All bread, butter, sugar, milk, tatoes, oe nal tanoe, ead beet Take a fresh lease of life, and commence a new era, |on strike? Is this Reeds by the Nile, and, if the scenery be as tempting there as Mr. | their Porrsr is doing his bes f ts it, one can’t wonder Mr. Parry, who is intensely fond time when they were as clay in the hands of the Porrer, that time must of sketching, should be found there also. What smart dresses they all | be past now, and their Porrer will no wear, and what smart sayings they all.say, your imaginative readers if that purpose is to befool i if they pay a visit to the | assurance. It always appeared evident that some assurance of his own; y n ever if it is the Porrer of the strike who is trying to > m a dramatic point of view, there is too | GLapsTonE’s scheme to secure the working man a provision for his old | age and his survivors, and to save | Union Porter does not come forward, and disown identity with the Mr. Bantine’s adviee makes one long to begi “ Drink claret and sherry, i grog, and Take four meals a day and—grow gracefully thin.” YOUR FRIEND POTTER. Wuo is the Mr. Porter, who is heading p ; proposed measure of Government to . At billiards only two are enough to play the Pyramid; but at the| working man? Is this the Gzonex Porrer who, some time ago, i i Secretary to the Trades’ Union, ing an agitation against the provide real Life Assurance for the as the us of workmen the Porrer im whom they put their trust? If so, best to pot them. t if there was once a mould them to his purpose them into preferrm untrustworthy to sound Georce Porter had will now be more obvious o- R. him from swindlers. If the Trades’ | Porrer whose exertions are directed to deprive the labouring ¢ 'of asafe Life Assurance, he will find | about. The remark that body working man will be : | men who suffer themselves to | upon as the very emptiest of Porrenr’s vessels. be led by pointed at as h knows him will make to the who s your friend Porrrr!”

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rege ae aed BILLIARDS. Franx (to Captain Brother, poking him in the ribs with a cue). ‘On, come, Tom, THAT Was A FLUKE—a BEASTLY FiuKE!” [N.B. The Captain having scored very neatly. eee CT UE |. IN RE JOWETT! Waar! ero nne baamt ow it! That heretic—arch-heretic, indeed— __ One of those rogues who recommends his creed By honest work and modest learning ! A villain, One who, A sinner, who if all fo Instead a perverter of our youth— like Puasa dares ask “ What is truth?” had what’s fair, of a Professor’s chair, Should have a stake and faggots piled for burning. What! pay a salary to pernicious Jowett ? . ot if I know it! i ie Seaguvene : the works of Jowett Ow it. But as we can’t remove him from his chair, For want of Greek, or diligence, or care, Or any act involving blame or scandal, It is our duty as spiritual pastors, Guides of the youth, o’erlookers, teachers, masters, To gag this trumpeter of “ the march of mind,’’ To use the first extinguisher we find To put out so pestiferous a candle! So to the pack that howls at heels of Jowett, tI say ’s, “ Go it!” Heresy’s £08 io pk Shall Jowerr w i Tell me not, sciolists, Greek’s not theology : As if there’s not a heterodox philology _ That can be wrapped up cunningly in articles, Impre accents, prepositions, particles, Poisoning texts as strychnine poisons wheat. The silly crows, no doubt, scoff at alarming, ** What ’s toxicology to do with farming ? And peck, and peck, and drop dead as they eat. E’en so Greek roots poisoned may be by Jowett, And who’s to know it? Caan, as for the salary of JowETt, to w it! The wolf is in the fold beyond a doubt, And we, alas the while! can’t drive him out. But as to one point we’re determined, flat, On our lost muttons he shall not wax fat. Let undergraduates cheer him from the gallery, But of two evils we will choose the lesser, And if we have a heretic professor, Well do our best to chouse him of his salary— And whatso statute gives fair pay to JowETT, Out we will throw it! A Rowland and an Oliver. (Neatest thing out.) SHoutp Rowianp Hr have a Statue? Certainly, if Ortver Crom- WELL should. For one is celebrated for cutting off the head of a bad King, and the other for sticking on the head of a good Queen. Court Circular. Wao selected the music for the Royal Christening? When the Head Nurse, Mrs. CuaRK, who was carrying the Royal child, beard the mes strike up the “ Fall of Baby-/on,” she thought she must have

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RON ps ae eels ee POST OFFICE a ee ~ \\ SAVINGS BANK . Sow —= I" | TM SIR ROWLAND LE GRAND. (CH, OR THE LONDON OHARIVARL—Manou 10, 1666

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NCH, OR THE LON

Ba iis saat : SS

TALK FOR TRAVELLERS. Socrery has A. Poa ee to quote any modern Prospectus, of a Conversational Guide. You meet your frien mer yy Hager. Sadi gid prem angry cl Ah! ” To which ich Dearest Friend returns, by way of answer, * Al ?” and there the matter ends. It is all one to contained the most ample ‘ntreation upon the subject. must have a beginning, and this will serve as the initiative “2° conversation. le are flustered and dumfounded on being sud- and after the ———. may be as above, remain eac —_ the Er the ether to my Perhaps the next movement is for bot inte - most are at once, and then for each to withdraw | ;, particularly wish to speak to him, consequence to say to him, yet he finds A os or a sae a to stop him. stopping How are you ? “Fon ’ np haa of thonght on are sont) ae ‘seetvated). Ah! How on you Awkward sans day 7 begins to wish that he had only : asda aul ee ey a Rts caniberlag what novel observa- tion he can make 4. You’re looking well. This is said in a tone that ‘the isn’t to be taken in by mere ~y sr mys ee ee aaee outward “Be, 's very wi ihe ith tolaly am very Wi ry bol oatepaken, a albeit somewhat rashly, as he straightway ed that he has been laid up with sciatica for the last ten days : so ms delivers himself of a sort of corrected co copy of his former statement. B. (confusedly). When I say I am well, 1 mean I haven’t been well js evident of course that he never meant anything of the sore). her awkward pause ensues, after which A., finding that his fri Blows inion information. ell, I’ve"not been near so well lately as liked, but he didn’t choose to take a mean advantage of his privileges. And here it may be noted that if you tell an invalid that you yourself are. coal ake well, he ae it as a personal affront to him ; a piece of coolness ay gt sed in intruding w — his unhealthy domain not for a moment rg erated. It is no o unlikely that the slight mention of your complaint will make him literally boast of his physical invade = but you de a ch yong Tight through the head. ona 8 you om on’t have shoo ugh the all over the eye, like pee if poate That ’s a headache, says he, as if ce was someth to be rather proud of than otherwise. You hambly admit and piously his immense ee oe this Piet express a hope that you may never kno Yet somehow mah — even as you speak you are dissatisfied w with yourself, and ke to be on an equal footing, or rather, h im ; = det, you set him down ‘for a bit of a humbug, a man who makes a a fuss about a mere bilious h e.”” You congratulate our- self that ‘you are really as ill ashe is, only u won't show it, and are bearing up like a martyr, while you can’t — — annoyed ‘with him for vm Bey to obtain sympathy under To continue; B. doesn’t wish to ene A. > sym: rong, 200 80 a We “he is afraid that he is rather in a hurry.” ” “ rather in a hurry ?” By the way there are some men who are always i in a hurry. That fellow Twixcxu knocks at the door of my chambers, “‘ mus? see me im- mediatel »” T hear him sa, in t ae Pe po ee, o, TwincH!” I say, ‘ Dy Can't ‘sit tan says log ne a his hat upon the table and tely taking it up again. “Can’t stop a moment. I only just looked in to see how you are.” I thank Twrncu, and offer him a cigar. “No, No, No! can’t! haven’t time,” Twincu, shaking his head fussily and walking to the window, Ty Q which he stares for five seme at the pump or the porter in the court below, while I continue work, Ns Well ” he ‘sa’ his hat on his head, “I must go.” With ~ t he Tees his otk his back to the fire spreading out coat-tails. 1 go on steadily with my pen, taking no notice. won’t disturb you, ae. s Twincu, after a silence of about three wanes, Soong whi Min wt n gazing up at the topmost and

Ms rg a yes *re busy.’ No. not ¢ nt Ne ” T tell him, for cones’ s sake, * Ah! but Tan!” returns TWINCH, me himself and hurrying to the door, which he cece opens, ust Qa Most important, —most important.” he says ate tattlng door-handle. (I can’t anybody rattling a door-handle.)

both as if and

| for Travellers, a kin | how to say it, but on his road he met eli | bees beats, although you may have ae | everybody i hysical condition, volunteers the |}, I might. This conve ys the idea that he might have ben bettes in health if he had te

“Where are “a Oh! eT de Sremien bs tmate: But what are you going for?” * T don’t know, peti any Sen 5 a et pr ye 4 ene ae ee eather apes my ater aight he d pope hs head an. He returns in something under five minutes were “ om L “Ohl” the exclamation invariably serves him as a sort of apology, Jon Mornay, ch you know a fellow of the name of MumPTon, Joun Mumpton. wn that I have never even heard of Mumpton. , * Ant” Now he’s ra handle with one hand and’some keys bee packet with the other (can’t bear this trick). “Ah!” herepeats, with e air of a man who had been utterly thrown out of all his caleu- lations by an unexpected discovery, “Then you don’t know Mumpron —Joun Mumpton. Ah! well! it doesn’t matter, or else it might be im- portant. Mustn’t stop any longer!” And off he goes again, this time in real earnest. It is all through Twrxcu that I have gone astray. The present writer set out intending to five you many valuable and useful — Rae Talk of pocket i containing what to say and with a—T worsen “ with st ley no less idiotic than that i chorus; and so | Poley,” or somethin insane yed, he can —— more hereafter ‘having been thus de vg | POD this now generally interesting social subject.

CHARITY AND SHAKSPEARE. HAKSPEARE,—now please, reader, do not ¥ 2 Se4 h, asoneh of Smaxs ice, We really have a word or two as, avert say—SHAaksPE _ knows, is to have a ae on hie three hundredth b birthday, and Spee or another to do something in his onour On "¥ ein ‘Now the it way —— y which one well can show that one is not fo of him, is pop Se eae a eee 0 S tae ae memory and of our Prince. It was the right t cones t showed’ lo a and it also im some measure was con- ceived to s one’s ¢ expressly made and sold to a the poor weavers some time previously t no work to do.” The thick with white favours on the wedding day that — as if it had been snowing them, ted that starved folk of Corrall would get a = tan var of the ribbons a. Ww must do the same for christening last week must ioe sual aa sane s oe stirred again your charitable blood. A ri designed for SHaksPEAReE’s Birthday, British Public t is to ct b any- where, so we need name no This ribbon has ; not merely to commemorate the natal day of £ SHAKSPE AKSPEARE, but also to give work to the honest folk of Coventry, whose dinners have been ewer and more far between of late than their stomachs may ae me. wes — ew, a buy mig vo me cay fae ot Ba ppy in the thought of doing a SPEARE could revisit this dull earth on Ay twen of all the ways by which his memory is reverenced be pleased b Cae pleasant way in which his an occasion Aaya a little honest labour, and which have had ut little in them for many a long ny

CUSTOMERS FOR STEAM-RAMS. Ir is not to be endured that private ship-builders should have the power, by an evasion of the law, to Laie vessels of war to the enemies of people with whom we are at’ peace, and, by so doing, involve us in war with them. On the other it is intolerable that any foreign nation should be empowered to limit the business of any British ship- builder. Did not the Government offer to buy the steam-rams in the Mersey, and was not that offer refused P Because, then, why does not our dear old Pam ask the Legislature to give Government the power of compelling the sale of any vessel of war which it may think proper to buy at a fair valuation. wer the same as that which is, pp y pn ee dowry | com- y, at the expense of body, might sure to her Navaty’ ’s Ministers, for the” public good, and to < very aotiokt "Sisnd. vantage only of unpatriotic shipwrights. Remember, moreover, that the British "Navy would be much increased in efficiency by every addition which it received from a private dockyard.

THE Weise Man’s Wisu.— Save me from my Friendly Societies.”

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PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Marcu 7, Monday, The Committee fur ee wh amdhae has ite denen and Lorp ox of hearing a seven of on i they the companies are to be compelled to bp wrbaay a eS so that one’s fs Jonrney mand ost be broken in consequence of inter- pasted maligns provision, ~~ Lords and Gentlemen, and give a traveller whether on business o pleasure, the means of recoverin ould he be detained five minutes pee int betweon Kew and the Isle of Dogs, or between Streatham ornsey. ==>. | encounter those of Quzen Victoria. Having reliev @UR COLOSSUS OF ROADS. The Arrorney-GeneRat stated that either Federal or Confederate ships were entitled to capture British ships carrying ¢ contraband to the port of the captor’s enemy. But in each case the prize must be taken to a Prize Court. There ore, adds Mr. Punch, the Alabama is a pirate, and Captain SEMMEs, when he reads this, will feel uncomfortable in the region circumvented by his cravat. Mr. Disrazti requested Lorp Patmerston’s sentiments touching the German burglary in J —— The aman replied that the whole invasion was an outrage and an injustice, and of course the Jutland addition was an aggravation. But we had let the Germans understand our opinion - their entire conduct, and it was not worth while squabbling as to each separate step they took. This is contemptuous enough the Germans are any map Shall we put it plainer for the swillers. When you have apprised a man that you consider him a thief and a scoundrel, you do not watch him for a bit, and then add, “and I also deem you a low cad.” Mr. Guapstone then explained the Government Annuities Bill. He took two hours about it, and his speech was a treat. The obj are — Bill is to give the Working Classes a system of safe Life They are, to their honour, very earnest in this matter, and oop one shout 30,000 Friendly Societies ‘of various kinds. But these are mostly based upon false 7 les, and between 8 and 9000 of them have me bankrupt, w ut 100 fail every year. The misery thus caused to honest olks, = be have been keeping up payments out of their earnings, Governor, to establish a State inconsevabl — of the —o i State tee the payment of icy, but as the system will open’ nation will incur no risk. is the case, and it seems schome | These the Cones any objection to an act of common i schemes |The pick of the Conservatives at once approbation of €| scheme, but the Party emits clamours, in the interest of greedy insurance offices, of inferior type whose a all over the country, and in the interest of the keepers of where Friendly pope convene, there will be ® demons ——— p enemies of the Minis try will not be be ashamed to j ae LADSTONE made such ppt ey exposure of the vices of t. pate system, and Mr. Bovrit, Conservative lawyer, told such tales of cases in which | defrauders of the poor had come under the unfavourable notice of a | sworn dozen of their countrymen, that there was an yon sensation, Lorp Staniey applauded the Bill, You can’t pull down a dirty old house without disturbing the Vested Interests of rats, yd in Ke: houses must come down for all that. Mr. Punch advises the Working Classes of the land to address Mr. Guapstong, who is a second time giving them an invaluable boon. , Tuesday. The Peers fired up. Lorp SHarresspury, the Premier’s near connection and bishop-maker, demanded a mnt what the British fleet was about. The Germans were waging a was wanton and disgraceful beyond any recorded in history. “if the Austrians sent a fleet to f the Baltic, Lornp SHAFTESBURY ag that a bag: be met by a British fleet, with orders to defend Denmar he represen- tative of the Religious World. Lorp ented ~, me whether Ear Russe1 would stand by and see an —— crime perpetrated. Lorp Grey for once agreed with some Trees that was Lorp ELLenBoRovGH, and moreover wished that Parliament could be allowed to declare its opinions. Then a third Liberal peer, Lorp Y, thought the Channel Fleet should be sent to. to the Baltic. Hart RvssEt1, thus incited, said that noble Lords could not expect him to declare war on his own responsibility, and added that we should not go to war for the Independence of Denmark, IF THAT OBJECT COULD BE | OBTAINED witHout Wax. The fleet could easily be got to the Baltic, and he did not think that Austrian and Prussian ships would like to ed our minds, us noblemen then went to dinner. Mr. Mitner Grsson stated the contents of the London ea . Report, which was adopted, after a ap to save certain of schemes. Six JoserH Paxton certainly some ager na strong reasons wey one of the rejected lines sho ald ha d have tn am one, but Lorp Sraniey thought that the House, handed over the subject to the Committee, ought to accept its Biber, or else go into every separate -. So Se thous + the House. Mr, Danrsy Gairritu’s mind is ary Ame oy harassed about telegrams and despatches, and Mr. Layanp, after a effort to disinter the honourable Member from a chaotic confusion a ideas, and being still told that he had not explained himself, gave up the task, and the House laughed, and cried “order” to Mz. Dansy Grirrita. But we do not see why an my penen should be laughed at for trying to increase his stock of knowledge Mr. Disraeli. Papers ? Lord Palmerston. No more now, but more However disagreeable the word may be to * public, we. sce com- pelled to write it. Education. We will be as short as a The country gentlemen had been awfully ve whipped, and t the Opposition benches were crowded. The aim was only to compel Mr. Lows to give up a portion of an ee Minute, only ordained that the Coventree t obtainable by a school on the capitation princi uld be- essened by the amount of the endowment of such schoo ho who are interested in the question know all about it, and those who are not will be quite satisfied to know that in the presence of an overwhelming majority, Mr. Lows and the Government gave way. Committee was appointed to inquire-into ‘the working of the Schools of Art, which are helped with public money. As Mr. Punch who directs the greatest School of Art in the world, is entirely supported by public money, and as he has no time to be bothering in a committee room, o_o idiotic queetions, he to tender his evidence en bloc. His School works in the best possible aeanth, and it will, be a wiry time for anybody who presumes to dispute that statement. Wednesday. An Trish Policeman is as fine looking and‘soldierly a fellow as you—especially if you are a handsome Housemaid—can desire to hand cold meat to ona summer’s day. But the Irish Judges do not think his efficiency equal to his cence, and Sir H. Bruce wished to appoint other constables for watching the Irish towns. There was rather a hot debate. Siz R. Peet naturally stood up for the Peelers, but was not so respectful in mention of the Judges as might have been expected from his well-known reticence and good taste. divers knocks for his irreverence, but the Bill was defeated. Mr. Ewart moved the Second of a Bill permitting people to in the faith that they were g + nore for the future, can be under- Government, in the most discharge of the duty of a s use the Metric System. It was seconded by Mr. Fomor fh not opposed by Government, though Mr. Grssow declined to assist in working t the

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than to laugh at a vias ha aie niv Engle’, os popu - Mr. Hanxey, and Mr. J. B. who also assailed the inoffensive "Florin, as ing school-boys. Now, no schoolboy, with a right sense and we are quite sure peek = a of digni ts a ti ar d, ee last » = who mer offer him an insulting ve AE ite uF oF ae ge EF 2S bi “agg 5 ia ah g e a 2 yas oe yo areaa 3 te i ii ? Blom sr a or the ny a maul wig, oe aie the idea of an Electric T: flash a mes: n- ive somet spoons Oren we lnhoed bo th e us thing SGP or fathers, who can’t even see nglis bee ; the idea of Locomo- | twenty miles an hour? "Confound it, Sir, are Pp”) ee iden of Faster € send a letter oP swindler”) s theres of Punch (* gR¢ FS an 4 ates ILEY ; bi defended b yy 3 = }no surer clap-trap in im rovemen in was carried by = , to you we speak, projecting our od ¢ metric suggestion ot| t t. locked up. 7 sure “publisha journal of the hghent until the most just Torito and the most every — Paobrity, Ge to Bath, Sir, an vl ity, don’t be too hard upon us. in your way, Weknow. Why n a0 yon See at. the idea of the Tunnel to America. You have got one to France, aud the Night Balloon Service to India. Don’t be so irrati Pos ag and so unjust. We are cleariag the way for you. . We return to the ae Sa ea and do so that this day, being the “ with the more pleasure of Epw: Paincz oF Wass, wit Denmark, their fst child was baptised Cunist Bpwarp, the EN —_, area Quz h amniversary of the mar- | with our beloved ALuxanwpra of ‘the names ArBERt, Victo the baby. Health an = Sarg a the Guns eame wp in the Commons, and the same day a monster of s was fired with ninety mee of powder against an irom made by Mr. Brown of Sheffiel going to be the New Member for Sheffield, when it has settled tor He to drop Mr. Waseean as he drops his haitches, or to dismiss Mr. he result was unsatisfactory to the ot. But a Cianace said that he thought on the whole we in the matter of gans. Then Govern- rm WILLIAM ye for not tearing anybody. ion to Lavy Hm niente ment “snapped” a vote of a million and a d | blown up, oes to disgorge antile debehaaiieald have taken 40e. the Mutiny Bill, there was discussion’ on the retention of and ; and | Branding. ‘A rmjority of 8 in » Home 87 maintained a 0 of 30 in a House of 130 maintained the The first was sad to s necessary for “b ym ” the to —— a ey was also urged the French shot men, n | Auseas oe them’ aed a ——. bres a clever Seay a to ion; a room ec ie Bunch so is im ior the offences for ohickes foe® Punch cB Se Listem all who love gen i or, Gow af win yu tnt, Better come a little quicker, ou’ll find that you are to-night, the Bill Permitting to leck bd ‘thers’ drink = Vote, the Commons deem it fitting At om toeenay to wink. Lawsow counted zon this Holshy to the Freedom See Deas ath Heukie siae i Fiabe CEANRICARDE intends to og ale of inquires sbout Suppose he appoimted a Commission consisting of himself, tora ta ee Poe keg to remain prosecuting his investigations, 4 Ma. 8. Frezcmmatp and Lop Parwmrstox had « dislogne about Ss Danish Conferenee, and a pe Ramm on both the matter in more Cimmerian ebseurity Apropos wheel the Exrence oF Rg one of * nationalities.” bay ee held to mean that he sides with Germany. To imvent @ mew pliwase for the occasion, sous verrons. Lomp Patmerstow i shou te continue Siz Rewranp Hir1’s L, 8 Sm Row.amp’s power of taking it while Lapy Ht shall be able to reeeive it. This is a éom- ——_ of course, but a one, ANLBY OF BRLEY migh have said a good deal more tham he did when inf the Lords of t mn. Punch hears that Committees, last week, are rapidly forming, and he means those who are foremost in the wor The week finished with a debate on the Decline ef the Population of is| Ireland. One great point was whether Lorp Carus. was right in quoting GotpsmrtH, and dissenting from bis view that adiminished speech, with a very free-and-easy sketch of the Fenians, whom he com- pared to gorillas. In the interest of the latter, we protest against the comparison.

INTERESTING INTELLIGENCE.

We must just stop a bit to wee ruches as they are thes enough to guess. Still less ae we ‘nal to grasp a true conception of what is meant by this :—

EVER deficient in the gallan’ that naturally belongs to a true gentleman, Punch never neglects to P to make himself agreeable to the ladies : matters which now interest man- ed’ Listen, ladies, therefore, the following description of a costume which was lately dis- played at the French Court :— “A dress of lilac silk glacé ‘with white, at the bottom of which is FE a wide pinked ruche in a whilst another smaller one white silk forms the middle of the — one. Above this double ruche seven flounces of rich whits blonde. These must be put on close together, and headed by a ruche of white tulle. The top one, however, has a ruche of lilac and white pinked sw similar to the one at the bottom. body is trimmed with ie pointed folds of white tulle, surrounding a white breath after all these rushes, or are ed we dare not work our brains to tax our intellect by trying ** Behind is a sash entirely new. This sash is composed of 1 ones, short and ee round with wae ct et ee much longer and wider than the also with white silk. From the three ends ; the two side at the end in points; whilst the third others, ends in qwapiinta wadlieeedee on

which is ve: and he cannot do head :— this better than by saying a few words on the subject of the fashions, a ee smn in femi- nine eyes is vastly more impor- tant than the War in Schleswig Holstein, or the Battles of "the Railways, or the other minor waist at the back a small tail falls over the sash, similar to the jockey- This is likewise trimmed with a white ruche.” Pray, ladies, can you tell us whether jockeys are accustomed to wear try | small tails in France and, if not, to small tail is the one here mentioned similar? When one is told that women have taken to wear tails, one naturally wonders what their tails are like. But leaving her tail now, let us see how the fair wearer of this ‘dooms chosen ont Sore vines oe ees, which latter, instead of imitating nature, sre of a violet colour, veined with silver.” Violet-hunting in ‘o: country is a pleasant sport for “children, but how many grown-up folks wou i join in the pursuit if Nature Ne eee cmp png thy “veined with silver! ” But if this be against Nature, so too : ea mixture of violets with snowballs, and, to make the thing more natural, we think the = should be made so as to melt = before the violets are seen. Lng 5 on the haps be beneficial to persons von etpsan ¥ _: we sho have imagined that people in their cme wo oe. ever a of wearing them. However, of course all the absurdities ashion are not intended for the use of people wi -< have ve anything like senses to direct them in the matter of deciding how to

The Successor of fame. Sm Georez Bowysn, in a letter to the Times, correcting certain alleged misrepresentations current respecting “ The Porg and his Visitors,” says that :— “* The ceremony of kissing the foot prey from the ceremonial of the ancient Imperial Court) is only performed on certain occasions.” Well, to be sure! Didn’t you always think that the ceremony of kissing the Porz’s foot was instituted by the Apostle, Perar ?

MUSICAL NOTE. WE are not at liberty to anticipate Ma. Maprzson’s advertised

production of Hexar Wacner’s grand O All we can at pocsent is, that the seene of Sasebduer is not laid in a tengubhs

“ Tho headdress to wear with this toilette is composed of a mixture of enawPballs |

census gwas a thing to de “pers Str Ropert Peet made a rattling |

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"Er WD, WW ¢; VWs THOUGHT IT WENT DOWN RATHER STIFFLY !” - a ee Ne MWe BSHAownues* . THE NEW TELESCOPE SIGHT. Small-bore Man (who has snapped off about a dozen Caps without exploding his Rifie). “Very ExTR’oRDINARY! CaN’T ACCOUNT FOR It! (With sudden agitation.) Boy! ai’ ME TH’ RaMROD! I’m REaLLY aFRaiD I’vze—By Jove! I raivk I must HavE—SnRELY CAN'T HAvVE—YxEs!—Con-Founp IT!—So I HaAVE—LOADED THE TELESCOPE, AND BAMMED THE CARTRIDGE DOWN, FORE-SIGHT AND ALL! Fellows with the Enfields (with suppressed glee). “On! Wuat a Prry!” ~ gov ‘ HOW TO USE YOUR MORLEYS. Mr. Henny Mortey, (a writer whose conscientiousness, condensed thought, and felicity of expression need no praise from Mr. Punch) having received from a certain organ of clique-criticism the treatment _ that might have been expected, has thought it worth while to reply. | He has done so in a “comment” of serene mercilessness. Since —— came to naked grief for vulgar criticism, few of the Zoilus | tribe have been more neatly divested of epidermis than has the Atheneum critic been by Mr. Mortey. One little bit of skinning we must note. | ‘The book assailed is on English Writers, and every student of literature | should have it. Among the cackling charges of the critic is one alleging | that “‘ the influences of the discovery of printing, of the classical re- naissance, of the reformation are not even hinted at.” Mr. Morizy quietly says,— “TI have myself always believed that Caavucer, with whom my book ends, lived before the discovery of iting, or the Renaissance, or the Reformation.” Well, it used to be thought so, but the Atheneum has changed all that, and will probably inform us in an early number that the Za/is of Cauntyrburye were not printed by Caxton. THEATRICAL INTELLIGENCE. Scene —A Shop. Hovur—Midnight. (About Twelve o'clock.) DRAMATIS PERSONS. Chemist and Druggist (all in one). Chemist's and Druggist’s Boy (all in one again). Chem. and Drug. What do you stop out so late for, eh ? Chem. and Drug.’s Boy (who has been to the Lyceum). Please, Sir, I’ve been to the theayter. Chem. and Drug. Which theayter ? Chem. and Drug.'s Boy (professionally). Please, Sir, I’ve been to see POLICE NOTICE FOR CHURCH DOORS. UnQueEstTionaBLy and decidedly, Mr. Punch is not going to enter— no, not to advance the tip of his toe—into the puddle which Theology is. stirring, to the detriment of Religion. But being a Detective, he simply does his duty in pointing out that the Reverenp: Dr. Pusey, who is taking the lead in certain movements, is a theological Ticket-of-Leave Man, and if the Church. chooses to aay him r this notice, it is not Mr. Detective Puncn’s fault. The Oxford , non-ni interpretations, Puseyism, church millinery, priestly excaaere, are among the memorandums which are marked in the Committal book. The Party has also lately been seen in affectionate- conference with somebody whose work is also on the Record, and who, under pretence of going to sermons, haunts the Scotch Stores, and smuggles a Scotch — into church. The late Jowzrt affair at Oxford was an attempted plant on the part of this Puszy, who wants to keep all things serene just now, for fear of certain inquiries; but certain ies in the provinces, who also are afraid of inquiries, were not s enough to see his game, and so went blundering up and baffled him. Look out PAaNCH. for your Spoons—nobody else will be sold. Police Office, 85, Fleet Street. REMARK MADE WHILE STARING AT THE PLAYBILLS. WHEN a certain interesting event in Royal life happened, Mr. Wzs- STER, with prompt loyalty, put up Mother and Child are doing well. Why does not Mr. Bucxstone put up The Christening and Uncle John? To Contributors. (Private and Confidential.) * A Dozen or so of Wakefield Men,” Who approve the work of a certain pen, Are thanked. Its owner accepts the Poke, And had real pleasure in cutting the joke. Pil-Ammonia. (Cuemist hicks him, severally. Printed Ww Printers, at their Odice in Lo.ubard Street, im the Precinct of of —Satunpar, March 19, 1864, ‘ William Bradbury, of N Uv Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. im the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of "No. 11, Bouverie in 2he’ Precinct of City of Londea, Printers'ay (eit Of Inet of Whitefriase Cu'y of Loudon and Published uy them at No. 85 Wlest Strest,in the ai Be, Baile, City hee,

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5) eg ile ot ota fo; rk ge as, me Be Patt Mig. SERIA Be is ee eae. fi a Pr eae e ‘ar PUN CH, OR THE’ LONDON CHARIV CAUSE AND EFFECT. . Housemaid, “Drat tue Bornertmna Curva cups ‘AND fHInes. THEY BE ALWAYS A-KNOCKING UP AGAINST ONE'S CRINOLINE.” SPADES AND CLUBS. Save us from our friends, and save us from our Friendly Societies, ought now tojbe the of all the labourers in England, excepting those, perhaps, who, once a neath or so, may want an excuse for getting drunk. course the pathonse interest is Sead against E scheme whic og Giasaneme bes ng ving poor wer of getting an annuity, without having to join a pothouse diub to do. 80. These clubs have given a knock-down blow \to many a poor man. Under the pretence of saving, he has been tempted into spending; and, in the thought that he is laying by a little that may help him in the hour of sickness, he has laid out a good deal in ruining his health. Pothouse beer and pot- house pipes will make sots of the most healthy, if too constantly indulged in ; and man who may at first be of some excuse for going to a taproom,-learns speedily to go there without feeling the need of one. - But not is ever done without a few bad words first; and nobody can wonder that ‘the people who profit most by the Friendly Societies should say ill things of the scheme which now would knock them on the head. So we hear an outcry raised, that the Government is seeatening to rob us of our liberties, and free-born Eng m are warned to look after their rights. No doubt, were an election to take place this next summer, such ple as; “ No Teg “No Government Protection!” would be stuck about the’ country; and various dodges would be tried to make the rural mind imagine, that the Government were trying to pocket all the poor man’s money,they could lay their hands on, by promising annuities they never meant to pay. Labourers of England who don’? live at home at ease, doubtless, are not difficult to be ope ar to a pothouse, where they find a fite to sit by and a chair to sit upon. neither of which luxuries have they, perhaps, so good at home. The poor man an savings are easily parted when he sets foot in a pothouse, intending to invest them for his future enjoyment. There’s no time like the present, says a “ friend” at his elbow. O, be joyful, with a mug of beer! while you have the chance, And this sentiment the landlord eloquent! , offering, for “friendship’s” sake, to a mug- himself, to drink the health of Mz. Honez on his admission to the Club. GLaDsToNE must, of course, therefore, expect some opposition at the first to his new scheme; but when it is known how warmly ie. Pune su it, of course it willbe thankfully accepted by the public, although it won't be so acceptable to the public-house. ipiesrresinn (See “ Potty” in * Good: Words” for March.) Sk ears, © Black nose, Brown eyes, Calm repose ; Broad paws, P hair, Fierce looks e Bites, snaps heel ; Tf he hold, es feel. Hungry is, Wants grub ; hen dirty, Into tub—- Washed clean, Looks white ; Goes out, Wants to fight ; Gets licked, Pluck shown, 8 so) In a bone. Sees Master, Sits up, Jumps about Like pup. Lies down, To sleep tries, Can’t do it, Catches flies. Wakes up, Gives growl, Is kic Utters howl. ~~ over, ‘asten’d doors, Sleeps sound, Perhaps snores. Gun Brace of shakes. Wide awake As you see, Turk is the Dog for me. Address M. Flower. Mr. Puncu,—They calls that there e count in the trtal of un ’a seems Tratiano, Which is’a now? I be, setterer, Chalkdown, March, 1864. *," We do not know what nation Greco belongs to; but we are happy in being able to say, that he is not a countryman, as our correspondent is. the precise words, but not ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. Solomon.—The Proverb is quoted incorrectly ; you retain exactly the sense in saying, “ The .—There is no monastic order called The Perhaps you’re thinking of the Capuchins. ” * VOL. XLVI. Consperrator

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A le vee 194 PUNCH, ‘OR THE LONDON CH et 26; RPUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Manc 14th, Monday. Lory Granvii1e assured the Peers, that | England was not joining any of the other Great Powers in a combina- | tion against France. Somebody, with a for seeing further into | milestones than his neighbours, had found a hint to this effect in a| Russian despatch. Lorp Granvit.e spoke the truth, which he always | does, being a gentleman. But circumstances, to which Mr. Punch is not permitted more at ! ude, len ledge ; and he has no hesitation in stating, in the most positive manner, that if certain complications of the European crisis should arise, it may need the utmost exertions of diplomatic wisdom to prevent conse- quences which might have a disturbing effect upon existing arrange- ments. But this is confidential. ph On the west of Africa the slave trade has diminished ; on the east, it very much increased. Jonw Butt, the sea-policeman, does all he ean; but his beat is very extensive, and the thieves are very numerous g. These Austrians are perfect cures, and will not take off the duty on English-cured herrings. Perhaps certain fiery Peers would like to go to war about that. ‘ The War Office does everything to afford our soldiers the means of cultivating gardens. The topic bristles with pegs for jokes, and sweet songs on the Soldier’s Garden might be written. One great soldier was a great gardener, teste Porz :— é “ And he whose lightning pierced the Iberian lines, Now forms my quincunx and now ranks my vines.” That was Lorp PreTgnsorover, Mr. Cox, who founded St. Peters- burg, and built the Cathedral which you may see on your way to Y¥: é you ever go there; and we don’t know why you shouldn’t, if you e. Sm Cuartes Woop stated his intention of introducing the English Sovereign into India. We thought that she had been lately re-intro- duced, with some little éclat, to a very large Indian circle, by Lona Curve. Mr. Layanp stated, that the Danes were blockading a good many German places, one of which, called Swine-munde, seems happily to typify the state of the German World. Mr. Lowe spoke of the’ difficulty of getting the poorer class to vaccinate, adding that they were | countenanced by persons who ought to know better. We trust that the latter will catch the small-pox, as we have no mercy for them ; and yet they ought to be pitted. | Willingly would Mr. Punch abstain from reference to the awful catastrophe at Sheffield. But he may do more by stating, that when a similar but far less terrible occurrence took place at Holmfirth | (for the second time) the nation raised £60,000 for the survivors. | uch more will be needed now, and much more will given. The| noble Gentlemen of Sheffield lost no time in hurrying together for the | aid of the surviving victims. Ten thousand pounds were on the table | before the second day was over. Honour to Lorps Firzwitt1aM and | Wuaarncuirre, honour to Canon Satz, honour to Joan Brown of the Armour Plates, to Witt1am Martruews, true as his own steel, | to Ropegrs, the world’s cutler, honour to all the strong men who | rushed together to aid the helpless, The Prince or Watzs could not | in better company; and Mr. Punch rejoices to read the QuEEN’s | name at the head of the list. In with your money men, women, and | children. There are hundreds of men, women, and children who want | your help ; and nothing more need be said to us Islanders. Mr. Rozsuck (by the way, his aid was instantly sent, and Mn. | Hapriewp, writing his message of kindness on Sunday, as was most fit, gave a noble donation, and has forgiven us all fun) asked Smr Georges | REY whether an inspector had been sent down to inquire into the | whole affair. Mr. Rawtrnson, an uginees connected with the Home | Office, was to discharge this duty. e believe that it could not be in | better hands. _ Mr. Layarp-had a curious explanation to make. Touching Kago- sima and the Bombardment, it would now seem that we have all been expending some slight indignation in exeess. We are officially informed that Kagosima had only 40,000 ry instead of 180,000, that they all | t carefully out of the way of the shells, that nobody was hurt, that the place has been rebuilt in an elegant manner, and that Price Satsuma sent fruit to our ve in_return for our grape, so that our | moderation must have pleased the Japanese. The new version is a most | delightful one, and Mr. Punch is delighted, accordingly. e mentioned the Government “ grab * at the vote of supply. Mr. Bricut was very severe about it, and Mr. Guapstoys, indignant (for, of course, the affair was an accident) gave Mr. Bricut a most tre- mendous lecture. Then Lorp Ciarence Pacer sent him a letter, for which Mr. Baicwt ought to have called him out. We should have had great pleasure in culling this from some contemporary :-— “Lornp Crarexce Pacet and Mr. Joun Bricnt met this in Battersea Park, the former attended by Lorp Hartinoton, the latter by an em Member of the Society of Friends. Arrangement being impossible, the men were put up at and at the word both fired. Mr. Bricnr's ball went an twelve cow, was thus happily released from mortal troubles, and Lorp CLARENCE’s icularly to allude, have come under his know- | wrote bullet fortunately took effect in the of an Italian, who was on his way to early crime. The seconds then in , and Mr. Brier declared that if it were in ce with his principles to forgive anybody, he would forgive Lorp CiaRence, whom he thought the noblest fellow out, and Lorp CLARENCE — that if anything could induce him to become a Quaker, it would be the example 0 his eloquent and gifted Friend, Mr. Bricut. The party then went back to break- fast at the Bedford Hotel, Covent Garden, where they were joined by Mr. Punch, who lectured them on the folly of duelling, and healths were drunk until it was time to adjotrn to the House.” But, law (and Law) there was nothing like this. Mr. Bricut a frank sort of gy, and offered to repeat it in the House. Then we had a scene. Mr. Rozsuck an opportunity of abusing the Federals, whom he — described as corrupt, base, co Ys and cruel. He then assailed Kart Rosseuu wi fary, but de- lared : Dade ne tee, con Samet a aat the man to accept compliments expense of a fri e, SO he came out |i yy in the I/iad, and threw his seven-fold shield over oreign Office, defying the Hector to hurt him. This in Pam, and as he now sees, Mr. Punch forgotten. : = 3 g A wet there was more American talk, Sm J. Feneussow protested against Federal enlistments in Ireland, Mz. Burcu gave it to Mx. Rozsuex hot and hot, and said that the fact was that-a recruit for the Federals got the only marvel was that every Irishman, not a landowner or did not eats ae Onna ‘thet aeeaiae pa. above the 9 , in their adv presen’ war-point of the English Government, Mr. ‘Kuvetaxe was terribly scornful - ape & Po, Roamans - ee ey speaker who was calm ormation to give, spoke from knowledge of America—said that there was a revolution inning in the market, and that it would settle the ork, | laws of settlement and removal, but not in the way employers Simply noting that there was a preliminary Mazzme1-Stansreitp squabble to-night, when the tennant, to be d in its pace, was indicated, and Ministers hoisted the storm-drum, Mr. Runch to say that there was Committee of Supply on the Navy and that Mr. Luypsay, trying to reduce the vote for Dock- yard Workmen, obtained 29 supporters against 110 non-reductionists. was an extremely instructive and excessively stupid debate. . The Lords read the Cow Malt Bill a Second Time, and Kart Grey remarked that those who were pressing a repeal of the Malt-Tax were virtually agitating for an increase of the Income-Tax. Well said, Lord G. But if the Tories were in to-morrow, does anybody believe that Mz. Disrazrt would sacrifice six millions? Punch is m in perpetual youth, but virility and viridity are two things, and the latter does not ex! to his visual organs. p We never blame but with extreme pain, and we have pleasure in stating that Mr. Ferranp has been very properly calling the attention of Government to the state of certain reservoirs which have not yet burst, but which are as dangerous. Z Another Crawley debate. It lasted all the evening. Will that do? Or shall we add that Genwgrat Peet and the Parliamentary soldiers are exceedingly indignant that civilians should presume to have opinions on such matters. Wednesday. We were to have been spared the theological Wednes days, but to-day we had a debate which in some sort approached theology. Mar. Dopsox, of East Sussex, an Eton prizeman, who al jistinguished himself at Oxford, proposed to do away with the subscrip- tion to the Thirty-Nine Articles, and so forth, at present mens at Oxford before a degree can be taken. The opposition was, of course, fierce, and, equally of course, wrong ground was taken. For party purposes, it was contended that the object of the change was the handing over the University to Dissenters. e truth is, and many men } it who will not admit it, that the object is to open the University to Churchmen. Education and inquiry have done their work, and thou- sands of men who wish to remain members of the Church, object to binding themselves to dogmes propounded in past centuries, and are too conscientious to sign with reservation of right to treat the signature as a form, and to interpret the pledge in any convenient way. Surely these are not the men who should be a out of the Universities. Mr. Giapstone, whose loyalty to the Church is chivalry itself, voted for the change, and six distinguished Conservatives did the same, while the son of the Eart or Dexsy would not vote against it. Mr. Dopson triumphed by a small majority, and the Lords will throw out the Bill; but the tide, having once swept over the rubbish, will return and wash lt away. Thursday. St. Patrick’s Day, and the Commons ad iately imbued with the spirit in which that esteemed Saint to be wor- shipped by his fellow countrymen. But, before the fray, Lonp Patmer- STON stated that Denmark had assented to the Conference proposed by England, and it is to be without an Armistice. We have next to hear he this wi “The way the row ,” to quote an 0 , was in this wise. Bill for Mr. Guapstonz in his masterly speech on the helping the Poor

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R non 26, yy PUNCH, OR THE: LONDON. CHARIVARE Man to Honest and Safe Life Assurance, had offended Mr. SHenman _ by certain allusions, and the latter had vehemently protested against | be ST. PATRICK’S DAY. them. To-night the Cuanceiior vindicated himself at some | h, and Mr, Suerrpan had a good innings. He showed much spirit, but | was slightly rude, saying that Mr. Guapstonz ought to have taken lessons from Exuston if he wished to play the character of a bully. The remark might have come from the great and theatrical SHeRipan, only he would not have said so coarse a thing. Then Sir Minto Far. uHAR moved that the Bill be referred to a Select Committee. Mr. ODGKINSON his, and made great fun by'quoting the miserable doggerel puffs by which certain ce try to get business, The eo ne _ nearly 0 ly so good as those us servants read on the taw arine —_ Keepers, when we goon Saturdays to se the “oo dripping, k evs spoons, —— and any other trifles which we have stolen, or hidden away, during the week, to the discontent of our masters and mistresses. But the poems of the Offices and of the Stores are much in the same key, and in this style :— “oO ag 2 eh at rn you merry throng ? ” “ To the ‘Stunning Assurance,’ so you come along.” * But what “IL T get I get ws my there ? ” * Why everything what is nght and fair. noah “abe? 5 d very low, and when you die be banknotes to wi your widow’s eye.” o Tertced ! Then of delays 1’ll have no endurance, But haste with you, dear friends, to the ‘ Stunning Assurance.’ ” (The above is Copyright). The House being ikus put into temporary good humour. for ne City, d defended the Bill eh a most gp 2 Ga po pe ny on pan and able speech, and scene was expected, ™ Hewry Jostas Srracny, of Yarmouth and Boodle’s, moved 3 that the statement of the Procureur-General on the trial of Greco, implicating a Member of the House and of the Government in the plot for the assassination of our ally, the EMrrror or THE FRENCH, ae the serious ie “i ~s ouse,”’ This was the formal the battle. a w yo been very busy, and more than 330 Membe were preset. += on thought it saw a good op ty foe an “ugly rash” ~ v stry. And the rush was one sense. The object was to crush Mr. StansFELp, and the eng if it should stand by him. And it did stand ms him. Lorp Pacwer. ston’s hands were up in no time, He condescend to address the Emperor because a French ne? had sought to please his master by talking in the style of those French Colonels. Not old Pam, if he | knew it. Mn. Stansrenp’s answer had been more than satisfactory. was adjourned, for another kind of | | *T should le felt > aes ”? said the Bottleholder, “had I had to a party to on to tell the French Government that an English Kabir of J Patlament, holding office in the ’s Govern- ment, was not co an infamous plot ve ieee’ tthe Emperor.” Then he scoffed at the “see of the Opposition for the Emperor,’ and remiatied the them thet bans vot g Merwe yen assent to a bang preventing conspiracies, and ‘ound that by breaking their to support. it ir a Ministry, they had pocketed sg Rh i o nad defeated ho Bill. A very ee smash, this, Emrerror’s attention the Lent Mr. Danaea (Was very afraid of oe re, after its late exploits. changes on poniar assassins, : nog ma eg for him with more warmth than t magotton when we can unite to Mr. with some making eonarrenaen but. ee could not long restrain his ardour for battle dashed at the oe ye gm a fay dat of trying to exaeperete the -feeling in _ France, and with hardly less worthy object, than oe of “worrying” the Tasik Government. ORD Ropert Cec the accusation of sympathy with Mr. Gtapstox seconded Lorp Patmurston, and severely ” interruption. Lorp Cravps Hamiron Vales Une wil smtiag chiben te nlaaeee te, ” was wned in roar for a liftaon. There fee Mm for Government, but 16] against it. ‘Did not both sides ~X,... because Pam was victorious, the other Peeause the marty wa ly 10. Byen the Indies behind the gallery So ended the battle of cya md “= te Friday. Loxp E1tzysoroves had intended to have a great Dano- a night, but Lorp Russexa begged him to “shut. up,” and he ingly, like a 5 aes ntleman. over the Sumripan affair—a dull School for Scandal. Ma. a ag a to and Patmerstow told him Lorp to do meine sf the kind, which Mx. Osponwe spoke capitally, and os See of the bos peal! Saas and then made it painful for the by dint of. some damaging ridicule A debate on the demolition of the fortresses of Corfu closed the First Act of the Comedy called the Session. An interval of Easter Holidays elapses before the yom rise of the curtain. Vivat Regina, and decidedly no money returned. “Quis Tulerit Gracchos de Seditione Querentes?” Wuen Rorsvuckx dropped atop of Russex1, And fierce at his despatches flew, As “ scoldings, of an angry woman ” Or “ screamings of a coc Who could forbear regrets to see Brother thus picts into brother, And not (though low tu guogues be Warningly whisper—‘ OUR *RE ANOTHER!” A PRETTY EXHIBITION. We thought we were too wise to be fs repea at anything; but we certainly were startled to see this in the Reade ‘The private view of the Society of Female aed will take place base (Saturday) at their Gallery in Pall Pall Mall” wi Baby-shows there have been, we believe, in plenty, but it is ite a novelty to hear of a Lady-show. We wonder how the Female liked Ce inspected at their private view, and whether many of them showed much colour in their cheeks at it, We presume they were allowed *, se themselves artistically before race ooo and to arrange their “ym with an eye to picturesque and Most of them no doubt came in their newest bonnets, and ¢ ai most expansive Crinolines, chose the dresses suited their gum: plexions for the show. We wish we had been posenet at the private view, for it really must have been a very pretty sight, but as a public character we my oy that Mr. Punch was considered inadmissible, We of | trust next time that this objection will. b be agate 5 a we had always rs|rather see a pee wanes her picture. the private vi view of the Society o: Lele Ante ive chia, to ithe mi “ female,” save when pace to pan ay be what leads us to imagine, we certainly should wah pve g eal, fo attend it. Ladies have in general remarkably sho’ cnet anes in matters, for they remember to a ribbon all the at a party a dozen ears ago), but we trust the Lady Artists will recollect our wish, and Iavour us next peat with on allmissinn cand to. see them ob thelr private view. ” 7”

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TEUCER, ASSAILED BY HECTOR, IS SHELTERED UNDER THE SHIELD OF AJAX. (Freely rendered into Hexameters by Mn. Puncu, from Homen’s Iliad, @. vv. 266-332. After reading'the debates of Monday, March 14.) RED-TAPE-STRUNG was the bow, and pointed with gall were the arrows bes sone to the field ; a cin that ee a with grey-goose feathers, s issile on missile dispatching. Not the open he fought, but from under the buckler of Ayax— Azax Ort1apEs—forth- ing, shot, frequent, his arrows: ' Then, when they sped to their mark, or as they did oftener, missed it, ' TEvcER was nimble to run, like a child to the arms of its mother, Back to the sheltering buckler that Azax held, sedulous, o’er him— Many had trusted the shield, and it ne’er failed a comrade in peril. Say, whom first of the foe smote the arrows of far-shooting TzuceER— First, the great King of men he wounded, who rules in Lutet: There where he stood in his chariot, with Drovrxpg1vios that drove it : Bitter the sting of the arrow that entered the joints of his harness, Silent the King to the shaft, but not the less rankled its poison : Then of the Teutons he struck many captains, inglorious in battle, Bismarkos, Recusercos, and Hatxos the H rborean : Then Apamus he smote; Sewanpus that o’er the wide ocean Shot with the long bow himself, as industrious an archer as TEUCER: Danxstvs next and Gratvs, and Harris, the dson of Hermes. But the more far-off the mark, the swifter and sharper the missile, Certain to a friend, if, as often, ’twas wide of a foeman. Him the father of mischief, in black and white that rejoices. Seeing how swiftly and sharply he shot, drew near an applauded : “ TzuceRr, belov’d of my soul, loannvLvs, archer unwearied, Still shoot on as thou shootest, if thou wouldst win honour before me ; Chiefs on both sides appalling, that never know whence nor yet whither Fly thy terrible missiles, which strike where they least are expected. Atlin of ces bo dhe caps codh to Feaosbeaie cing evel 0 ie an 0) Unto thee, — to meat t will offer a guerdon of honour, co Either an inkstand of lead, or a patent, self-acting despatch-box, Furnished with lucifer-matches, and vitriol thy missiles for tipping.” Him thus Tevcer bespake, Ioannutvs, coldly, in answer ; “Why, oh monarch of mischief, thus spur on a horse that is willing? Ne’er, while I have a hand to steady the grey goose’s feather, Ne’er and a pause from my shooting, not even though friends should implore me; Four great shots | have fired since first I was famed among archers, And no shot of them all but sorely astonished the natives. Many a chief I have pierced, since lately I entered the battle— Albeit, none of them all seems any the worse for my shooting— Still there is one dog yonder who barks, and girds at my arrows ; Hzctor Tearemipes, big of tongue and brazen of fo : : So he spake, and an arrow he loosed against Hector, but missed him: Missed him and smote at his side a Confederate chief he protected. Him great Hector in wrath left seeking where TevceR had hit him ; Down from his high horse sprang, the horse that for kicking and biting Hector himself ae eg impatient of bit or of bridle ; Sharp was the sound of his voice and big and bad was his language, As at Tzucer he rushed, Ioannutvs, eager to crush him; Snatching, as was his wont, the first big stone he encountered, _ Reckless how heavy or sharp, so it answered his oe of braining ; Straight at TzvceR he rushed, and his big stone heavily heaving, Smote him full on the hand, wherewith he shot off his arrows ; ; Numb me haa dropped at the wrist, with the grey goose feather it guided, TguceR sank to his knees, and his quiver-shafts rustled beneath him : But not then did Azax abandon his down-stricken comrade,— Azax Or1apEs,—but o’er him extended his buckler, Stout with its Jouw Butt hide, that arrows and spore-seete had blunted, Strong e’en unto defying the paving-stones wielded by Hector. ~

SCHLESWIG-HOLSTEIN. Happy will Denmark be when with Ofhello she can say, O Schleswig-Holstein’s Occupation 's gone.

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| Manca 26, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 129 TALK FOR TRAVELLERS. Your Profound Thinker, chiefly on account of his being perpetually lost in the profoundest thor is the worst possible hand at opening a conversation if sud fealy coed te aaah. gar om ta this ote bist own study Seaee. will a ap perfect bath of papers covered intricate equations and logarit. ons. In the matter of times and seasons I had a have pe than m: tre fod of barometer, on which the dof marking whatever kind of us causing me considerable inconve- 4 coat and umbrella. Now, although CopcéER is bmn of to him to be, yet I have known him to become absolutely imbecile when unexpectedly hailed in a public thoroughfare. Ona pouring wet day I sone upon Concer, or rather we = — one another at right ang ys io, Copszx!” I exclaimed, he often added, by way of a jest, which he from the nature of his pursuits woul appreciate, “ Quite tropical weather this, eh ?” And Coperr, who was of mind to bear upon the replied :— “ Yes, quite. ”» ies 1 sg 2 One that after we had ODGER h unable to bring his tremendous powers absurdity of my observation, gravely d, CopcEr, on his senses oS him, began to consider his reply had been the best 4 — been ta heeedoreng the circumstances, me there are who hiy taken aback by their friend’s salute, have a happy knack of making up for their want “Of Teadinenl I in conversation, by pretending to make an attempt at recollecting what it ~ they wanted to say to you. « Ai, Bonen, T ter thn ny . DGE Was you. “Tee ‘Aaa in a most amiable oh iaile soul fries we nga an equally sensible reply). & Did ye ll ’e ” (They both A. “Yes.” (Smiles again, and looks at Bopcer, as much as to say that he can’t up the conversation all by himself, and that it’s tis, Bopcer’s, turn now). “ged (alae has not ie olaaiag time ion of what is to come next. ce tut enh ts collecting his scattered senses). Oe Ta us i I was going to say to you?” (puts his head om one side, like a raven). A. Yo me? (This in a tone of surprise, but merely for the sake of A feels | teen acting a part, and B fectl DGER is a and Boncer is perfectly sen- sit _ pot friend sees to the bottom of his shallow device. — oes they waste pores | ten minutes out of the real A Bay Of their Perhaps it Koes them good. A. (after Bopeer has been in deep thought for afew seconds). “ What was it ? at ), “No,” (gf terval of in despair 0,” (after an inte: shorter than for “No! e ,* Well, it co we been of much importance, whatever it Se knowing full ‘that he i ¥ detected, but playing out his part | to eo ™ re it was though ; I shall think of it presently. well at home ? ” : Of course ‘he neither wishes nor waits for an answer to the anxious , smiles on his friend as if “quite well at home,” and with a —* Good bye.’ go Bopegsr and A. m poste diréctions. Does “ what ie coal ol co but wants parti to'say to A.” ever trouble Bonexr’s mind again? Nota bot of i. t. laughable farce is over for these two at present. With some folks, to ‘be from a distance in the street is even worse than upon while sharply turning a corner. For instance, poe going down the street, sees Eppiwics, at some eighteen feet from him, i Sang, wp..n. be same side; and at the very “Here's D ee Ep himself. *s Dump’ says Eppiwies to se. “Here’s Eppiwi¢s,” says Dumpxuys to himself. The next thought not in words that occurs to both is, that the meeting is ver a and that they wish Bins Gott get out of each 8 is no escape, without absolute rudeness, his pace; Dumexuys loo m ight as if Pee or of the eee "of Eppiwies, and’ Eppt- not at Dumpxins, ‘but over his festa. Pea € have plenty of a a at least. a fair opening for a 3 uch is the fascination that the pr at of Sones works upon yehe otherwise strong-minded Eppr- particular object in so doing oa Mend this sensi ee es worked by the advancing Epprwies that each tries to ignore the presence of the other, and each vainly endeavours to distract his own attention from the comin, ox le. Doumexms must in all human pa meet Epprwics at last ; and so must Epprwics Dumpxins. y ve that were there no personal convenience consulted, dae. would choose rather to be whirled up in the air, or to vanish someho , than come across one another at that precise moment. Ho meet. Hands are is coming now? Nothing. hless! gri feobh at one another like a pair of nervous idiots, Dumpxus is the first to rouse himself to comet like a sense of me absurdity of his position, With a violent effort he ser, ae Well?” This-cleverly throws the onus But of what Ae says, {and of w every one under the circumstances o saying it, I, if I may make so bold, this same subject. and of what sa o o the method of treat in fa en paper upon A DIGNIFIED CLERGYMAN. Yow ha: NS) d of a Wo, by ame Distant pom ot ret h often appear in the Pasé, J a or bgp dy than gospel are most... Divine, you ’re aware, by preferment Esprit tl il awa Bao n is evermore: bounc Like a doctrinal cracker, denounced or ing He’s as in each theological rum When the seems apne foom. all pod of the compass, | lig pe ed lich nat wind oe Ca a i last note of pine ai is 3 Touching Oxford’s Greek Chair; 's boast is The defeat of the statute proposed. = : His success in restringing the income of ob What a noble revenge an 0: yon oe — on Fora dignified Clergyman, Don’t you think that you ee Aeon In your own pocket, striking at t a a fo trether? ? MOTTOES OF THE ARISTOCRACY. TRANSLATED FOR THE MILLION. (From Punch’s Peerage.) ‘ Lorp Bargepnanon er-Giote Romanus Sum, I am. a. Judicious Bottle. | older. Lorp RusseiL.—Ohe sara, sara. Rest and be thankful. Lorp Derpy.—Sanes changer. I should like to change from Without. Duxe or Somerset.—Foy pour devoir. Faith, he’ll devour you. |Lorp Matmessury.—I! maintiendrai. He’ll keep for the present. Lorp WexstmeatH.—Decrevi. Ihave been indiscreet. Lorgp LyvepEen.—Vir non semper viret. The VuRNons were always rather green. Lorp -s amy —Ung roy, ung foy, ung loy. One king, one trump. on Model Review. The Coins of the Ancient Britons. By Joun Evans. 26 Pictures, We have never seen this Book, and do not even know who publishes it, but. it is itnpossible to resist the opportunity of sbowins how review- ing should be done. We therefore beg to remark that the Coins of the Modern Britons could not be better out than in purchasing the Coins of the Ancient Britons. Epig ram. Tos Coll ne Bills, like melting snow, Are of a d% In these the Phen ah wot the Sun— Becomes the Jigui Fasnion 1x Downtne Srreet.—A pretty thing in head-dresses is the coiffure officielle. The hair is gathered in a loop like a pigeon-hole, and tied with red tape. Toast ror Tove Oty FeLtows.—Hanging, flogging, and fagging.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 26, 1864. LE ad sm EE ZA SA ve AAA AA Inebriated Swell (to Milkwoman at 6 a.m.) ‘Can ove 0’ You Lapies BE 8’ KIND’S v’ "BLIGE ME ’TH HAIRPIN, SHOMESTHINGSH’ GOT INT’ MY La’sCH-KEY.” THE PECUNIARY TEST. Gtoriovs majority of the Oxford Convocation; Reverend and Magnanimous * Gentlemen ! parene St the salary of your Greek Professor ought to be ten times as much as it is, you the generosity and the justice to vote inst the pro- posed statute for giving hi remuneration due to his services. Your most sage reason for doing this wise and noble act was Mz. Jowett, within the latitude allowed by the Established Church, holds theological opinions which differ from your own. You had a perfect right to vote that Mr. Jowerr should not be paid more than one-tenth of what he ought to receive for the University Greek. That is to say, you cannot be taken up and indicted for the injustice which you have done JOWETT ; nor gentleman even an action for t you. Yes, you had a right, in as far as you were able, to vote for denying Mx. Jowett the means of subsistence. Much more has anybody, ving the power, the right, on the contrary, to give him a living. aa There ma some persons, co ing ecclesiastical patronage, who would rather, of the two, that Mz. Jowgrr should make a living at Oxford than hold one in the Church’; but who, since you refuse him the former, will determine to give him the latter. ‘The Crown would have an enti right to prefer’ Mr.!Jowzrr to a Bishopric ; and would not this e very neat amends for the persecution endured by a Regius Professor? What if the ultimate result of your attempt to vindicate your opinions on a solemn subject by rejecting the proposal to raise a gentleman's salary, and thus withholding from an industrious labourer the hire of which you knew he was worth , Should be a Bisnop Jowerr? But that Mz. Jowett was worthy of the hire which you piously withheld from him is perhaps more than some of you did know. There is reason to — that, among the reverend persecutors of the Oxford Professor of Greek, there are too many who at any rate do not know the value of that . Otherwise, for teaching it (to those who are able to learn 2) Ser would ve limited him to £40 a-year. If the Crown should vised to elevate Mr. Jowzrr to the episcopal Benc! 2 suppose the congé @élire, the gracious permission to choose the nominee, shou id be addressed to some of F arog Perhaps your Dean and Chapter would refuse obedi- ence to the Royal mandate; and, for conscience sake, submit to the penalty in| such case made and provided. Perhaps they would accept the alternative of; electing the Bishop, or taking the consequences; and elect the Bishop. Because | that is the sort of thing which your Reverences do in retaining your preferment on condition of remaining in law- established fellowship with a man whom you denounce and punish as a heretic, but who, if you were to him one, might prosecute you for libel. Declining to suffer for con- science’ sake yourselves, perhaps your Reverences would be content to assert your orthodoxy by giving a a>, whom you feared to reject, as much annoyance as you might be able to cause him by any proceeding which would sub- ject him to a privation of income. / 3 The patience which enables you to put up with a judg- ment that forces you to endure the communion of those whom you anathematise, is a patience which transcends resignation. So you continue in association with those whom you deem misbelievers, and reconcile your position with your consciences by the consideration that it enables you to persecute them. : A PAIR OF POETS. THERE is a Bard, the heir of fame, His countrymen’s delight, He has a universal name— Mind you peonepee it right. It’seems to rhyme, not, as in gross Mistake we did suppose, As o does in cathe close ; So call him Port Cxose. The sons of song in couples run; ' *Tis wondrous how they do. For instance, there is Homer, one, And there is Viner, two. ; SHAKSPEARE with Mixton we combine ; BEAUMONT with FLETCHER goes ; DrypEN with Porz; whose mighty line With that of Port Cross ? Just as we Scorr with ByRon pair, And WorpswortH makes us think Of SouTHEY, even so we Two living tolink. | In either’s verse, with kindred light, The fire of Genius glows ; And Port Tuprer we may cite Along with Port C1iosz. The Port Tupper has a hold On playful minds and mild, And therefore have his sold Like fire of species The other Poet, doubtless, would As fast of his dispose, Were but the sportive, green, and good, Aware of Port C1ose, Oft Turrer, with unconscious touch, Will make your sides ache sore ; You’ll laugh at Porr Cross as much, But he intends no more. Nor is his pen to verse confined ; He likewise deals in prose. _ Lo both, with graphic art combined—} A book by Port Cross! * Poor Cxosz’s pension was revoked, O revocation hard ! Fun because envious, critics poked At Kirkby-Stephen’s A What matter, if the Public pays The Minstrel what it owes, And gilds, like Pozr TurrEr’s bays, The wreath of Pozr Ciosz P * Poet Closes Grand Sensation Book, The Wise Man of Stainmore, &c. J. Cross, Kirkby-Stephen, Westmoreland. English literature has also just been enriched with Cithara ; a Selection from the Lyrics of Martin F. Tupper. It contains some new pieces, in which Mr. Tupper has excelled himself: but Nemo repente fuit TUPPERRIMUS.” Prize Riddle. Ir a Gang of Labourers on a Railway Line were to emi- te in a New Vessel, why would the Starting of that hip resemble an Awful Fall of Snow P eues it would be a Navvy-Launch,

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Maron 26, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 131 that the calling out these rusti ali ld be - THE TATTOO AND THE TRUMPET. justiflable extreVagpmea, it has suddenly become a. proper expenditure, because. Government in hand some Tae New Zealanders have money given for quite another purpose. Setting this trifling saved the Yeomanry Ca- | and perhaps irreverent query aside, Mr. Punch joins lustily — a a —— in the song popularly set to the Yeomanry trumpets :— eee meeeved 4 | “ an you that ere 9 ate, * ambridge House a few | nen sg rhe om a 389, , pee th e | And water "nd you, re give some corn, is as well as can be ex-| May lie in the blankets and keep yourselves warm,” pected), cut down the hall | os a is still estes), : orced its way into the} Premzer’s room, and de- ECONOMY IN FUEL. = clared that it would be; We know of no method so simple, so cheap, so in- > called out for jtraining as stantaneous for heating a house.as to contradict your wife. usual. Pam had made up It is so infallible that we intend taking out a Patent for it- his mind to give way, but Should any married man doubt our word, we only recom- did not know what sort of mend him to try the experiment, and if he doesn’t feel con- a reason to assign for siderably warmer after the process, we will consent to lose baring let the Government | our reputation of being a good ri Hon everybody that | but beaten on the | we have commercial dealings wit. owever, we would question, and then for) advise the bold man not to try the experiment a second having mind. | time, or else the house may become a great deal too hot to So he was. awfully affable, | hold him, and he will certainly have to seek refuge in his | showed “characteristic Club, before he can get cool again. affability and courtesy,” ( f says the report, and then | a fash oiaieation on to his aid, he declared that he had receiv such good news from New Zealand he could afford to spend. part of the New d vote on the bumpkin chivalry. The heroes were ecstatic, and Pam will Anti-Dun Announcement. j | Wen you find it expedient to sport your Oak, you , likely 4 ; gain some stray votes, We wouldn’t disturb anybody’s happiness, but would in the | will do well to post outside of it the following notice :— most abject humility ask how, if a fortnight ago th e Government was convinced | “ Gone to the Small Pox Hospital. Return directly.” But who is this with voice so shrill, so resolute and ready ? THE GREAT BOAT-RACE. Who > = of: fo late!” “too soon!” “quicker forward!” a mie “ Steady, steady! ” m —— hes > tg , ~ a Pa a repre Why ’tis our young toxophilite, our Ancuer bold and true, Sasi. |S nies 7. Sreavenson . . ‘rinity Halt, | Lhe lightest and the tightest who has ever steered light-blue. 4. Hawes . . . Lady Margaret. |8 Secwrxs . . . 3rd Trinity. |O when he pulls the yielding string may he shoot both strong and straight, Steerer, ARCHER, Corpus. And may the flight be swift and sure of his mighty arrows eight ! aac ais May he add another victory $ increase our Cambridge score ; BEFORE THE RACE. May Father Thames again behold the light blue to the fore ! . , : But ah! the name of Victory falls feebly on my ear— Conon, fet to me, who wish to hear the glories of our crew, Forgive me! ’tis not cowardice that bids me shed this tear, Till tell you all the names of those who wear the Cambridge Blue. I weep to think that three long years have looked on our defeat ; First HawksHaw oie stalwart bow, as tough as oak, nay tougher ; | For dees long years we ne’er have known the taste of triumph sweet ; Look at him ye who wish to see the Antipodes to “ duffer. O Father Cam! O Father Thames! O ye nymphs of Chiswick eyot ! Swift as the Hawk in airy flight, strong as the guardsman Suaw, O Triton! O Poseidon! Take some pity on our fate! We men of mortal muscles mus Neyer ya him with awe. What’s the use of resolution or of training or of science, Though I dwell by Cam’s slow river, and I hope am not a bigot, If anxious friends and relatives to our efforts bid defiance ? I think that Isis cannot boast a better man than Picort : If they take our strongest heroes from the middle of the boat, fae. and strong, and steady, and never known to shirk, Lest exposure to the weather should give them a sore throat. Corpus the quintessence, he is always fit for work. - We’ve rowed our boat when wave on wave o’er ship and crew was The men of Thames will be amazed when they see our “Three” so strong, plashing, Ang Gait if such & mighty form to mortal mould belong. And little were we troubled by the steamers and the sploshing, Th, t som is this?” they, one and all will ask in awe and wonder 3 O little do the light-blues care when tempests round them gather, N e men of Cam will answer make, A mighty son of thunder. We’ll meet the raging of the skies, but not an angry Father! One Hawkins comes at “number 4,” the sole surviving pet For though our vessel sank,’ our hearts were buoyant as a feather, a e patroness of rowing, the Margaret ; , Since we knew that we had done our best in spite of wind:and weather. N en they think of his broad shoulders, and strong and sinewy arms, | Then all ye Gods and Goddesses who rule o’er lake and river, OL parents dear, nor brothers stern, need foster fond alarms. O wipe away the trembling tear which in mine eye doth quiver ! : a tear of love maternal in Etona’s eye will quiver, : O wipe away the dire defeats that now we often suffer, Oo aahe sees her favourite Kxetaxe also monarch of the river. Let not the name of Cambridge blue be breathed with that of “ duffer! ” dh. t I could honour fitly in this unassuming song O melt the hearts of governors! For who can hope to thrive, The wondrous combination of steady, long, and strong. ee If, when we’re just “ together,” they deprive us of our “ Five? ” n comes a true-blue mariner from the ever-glorious “ First, And lastly, when ’mid shouts and cheers and screams and deafening dins, the golden arms of Glory and the lap of Vict’ry nurst ; The two boats start upon their course—— Thal blue may be his colours, there are better oarsmen few, And Oxford aon it via him will peths look -_ more blue. AFTER THE RACE, en comes the son of STEPHEN, as solid as a wall ; : ‘ We need not add, who know his name, that he hails from Trinity Hall. | Hew midi, @xtord soins | Oh! in the race, when comes at last the struggle close and dire, oe Soi te One ee ie 0! € glories of the ri ack and white, And add another jewel to the diadem so bright ! “het Mother.” Then comes a name which Camas and Btona know full well, Is not our dear old friend, Morner CaurcH, a little inconsistent ? ‘ name that’s always sure to win, and never will prove a se//. Of course she is, and a female who is not sometimes inconsistent is not what joy will fill a Bishop’s heart on a far far distant shore, loveable, But it is odd that she should, in the Tests debate for instance Th en he sees our Stroke reviving the memories of yore ! declare that Subscriptions are her pens support, and yet that she should en old Cam will he revisit in fancy’s fairy dream expect so little from her friends’ Subscriptions that she clings to Church. rouse once more with sounding oar the slow and sluggish stream: |rates. Bless her old soul, nevertheless + in fact rather the more.

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THE LONDON CHARIVARI, PUNCH, OR +, ~ aint ar | Matire d Armes. “Pantez-vous Francais, M'stev ?” Cornet. “OH WEE, UN Pov.” Mattre @ Armes, “ Brex, M’stzu—En Garpe!” Cornet. ‘‘On waE—JE suis ON GuAaRD TO-MORROW, AND ORDERLY OFFICER NEXT Dax!” THE WAY THE CAT JUMPS. Mz, Puncu, _ _ Wuicn way the Cat jumps in the House of Commons, you can judge from the majority of 45 to 42 against the amendment on the Mutiny Bill, moved by Mx. Cox, for the abolition of Flogging in the Army. Should the Cat-o’-Nine-Tails be eliminated from the Land and Sea Forces, will the British Army and Navy, as captains and —_ officers in ei service ict, become ungovernable? That they will, we cannot be quite sure, because they are not in a state of anarchy now, as gallant gentlemen icted they would be in consequence of the reduc- tion of the statu’ number of lashes from infinity to fifty. To be sure it is true that fifty {lashes and fifty lashes may be very different ny that five hundred or any number of lashes may be preferable to fifty. The Act of Parliament which limited Courts Martial and Colonels to lashes, omitted to provide {that they should be a bya machine, uated to act with a certain power, or that the’force of the drummer’s arm should be limited to a stated sum by a dynamometer. In this matter of flogging, whatever may be the merits of the question for or {against it, the glorious inconsistency which c terises our constitutional legislation in general is pertiouasty manifest. We flog bad soldiers and sailors, and we flog no other bad men but garotters and unruly convicts. Besides, we only flog bad boys. The theory of flogging su fear of bodily pain. Almost the only men we flog are men who for the consideration of their victuals, their lodg- ing nd about at piney” ar a day to spend out of their wages, have of their own accord put themselves in the way of being obliged to — themse!ves to the imminent risk of shattered limbs, lacerated ies, mutilated persons, death in the extremest of torments, or a life of misery to which such a death is preferable. What is the Cat-’o-Nine-Tails to a man whojests at rifle bullets, rockets, live shells, jand cold steel, or it may be red-hot iron in the inside of bim? If a man has no fear of wounds to which the scratches of the Cat are flea-bites, will he fear the Cat? If he fears the Cat, has he one grain of the courage that is requisite for a soldier ? Would not the Fest thing the Army or Navy could do with him be to get-rid of him as soon as possible? He that is afraid of a skin-deep laceration of the back can have “ no stomach for the fight,” in which that organ is liable to more formidable injury. If British soldiers and sailors were conscripts, many of them obliged to risk their brains and bones,’ and Vanes panes their there might, one would think, certainly be consid le necessity for the Cat, or some equivalent, to keep a large number of involuntary warriors in order, But they are all volunteers; and the French, p kept in pretty good discipline by other means than stripes. Are those means, as our gallant legislators tell us, bullets? Is it the fact that a French soldier or sailor is shot where an Englishman is ? Ido not pretend to say, Mr. Punch, because I do not know, that flogging in the Army and Navy could be safely abolished. But this I say, that if it cannot, it had better be re-introduced, and that largely, into the Roguery and Felonry. I don’t know what there is in the voca- tion of defending a land of freedom which should render a man peculiarly liable to the punishment which is regarded as suitable only to a slave and, if suitable to any slave at all, is suitable to one who has incurre servitude by his crimes. With kind regard to Colonels Norra and Knox, believe me, yours truly, Ix Terrorem. P.S. Could there not be a trial of the ‘suspended animation, so to speak, of the Cat for a year during peace, with a proviso for its revival in the event of war? No, I suppose the Captains and Colonels will say. Their honours and worships re ee | no to any proposal for trying the temporary discontinuance of hanging or any other corporal punishment. e they afraid the experiment would succeed ? A SOCIAL POLICE CASE, Mr. Puyncn, premising that his remarks recently made under the above heading aid not refer to a publication (a res le and useful one) called the Autograph Souvenir, has to that he has received two communications from the Editor of the publication to which those remarks did refer. Mr. Punch never makes a grave statement in the absence of evidence absolutely confirming it. Having made n0 departure from that rule in the case in question, be has no intention of men, are | } either retracting a word of his previous allegations (evidently read by the remonstrant in a state of mind which pores oan and its terms from being duly comprehended) or of permitting them to be | contradicted, under the circumstances within his knowledge. But my is glad to infer that no second avertissement will be needed. Printed by William City of of TUBDAY, ,of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middiesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie ee Cee ‘ity of London, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the in the Preeinc? of of St. Bride, City ie oe of Om me Seem ote wc, |

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Aprit 2, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 133 THE CIRCULAR BORE. (To the Editor of “ Punch.) Srr,—Much as we are in- debted to your friend Sm RowtanD Hitt, cheap post- age has occasioned one very _great bore. I mean the Cir- cular Bore. Some impertinent pears will suggest that a Rifle bore, for instance, is a circular bore. . lam not com- plaining of that aperture or any other. The Circular Bore that annoys me is the Adver- tising Circular Bore, Sir. I hate a double rap, as such. It may be the tax-collectcr’s instead of the postman’s. No news is good news; and a ape elo ihe ain unpleasan e tidings. The best that I can amen would arrive is a note asking me to dine; and that will most probably come from somebody who doesn’t keep a better table than my own; and then it will give me the trouble of writing back to say “No, I won't,” in gra- cious words. The postman’s knock, Sir, therefore, knocks me over. It throws me into a state of apprehension which _ lasts until I have got and torn open the letter which it has announced. And that, after all, I find to contain a con- founded linen-draper’s Poi The fool who sent it ! if, thus set for me, I cannot help = = = GS « —> ‘THE LATEST FROM ALDERSHOT. grinning, whispering, “Waker!” thro iN my clenched teeth, whilst I press the end of my nose flat with my thumb, and vibrate my ex- tended fingers with a will. _ The Circular Bore, Sir, is inflicted through the Post, principally and especially on men whose names, like mine, are to be got at in a pro- fessional catalogue. or being thus pestered, my chief consolation, which I would suggest to others, is, that the gentry who have taken the trouble to hunt up my name for the purpose of petting money out of me by a umb circular, have at least thrown away a penny stamp on their specu- tion upon the good-nature or ibility of, Sir, your humble servant. SMELFUNGUS. P.S. It would serve the pees 5 right to return their Schedule filled up and signe with the name and address of an imaginary SmiTH or Jones, Sir. OUR OWN JO MILLER. Wuo has not heard of Jo Mitter? But who has seen the original Publication ? We have found this curiosity, and now, in order to promote witty conversation and my hilarity among those b t diners-out whose powers are in case I had a wife and Mr. Snip’s Foreman (with great anxiety). ‘‘Is Mr. St, Lonawinp at Home?” | on the wane, and among the daughters throw it be the fire as quickly againasI do. Some- times it is addressed to a hypothetical Mrs. S§., and if there were one, it would impose upon me through her foolish ion for finery. I congratu- late myself that I am not to be imposed upon, Sir, But I have been disquieted, Sir, and subjected to considerable uneasi- ness, and I hate it. _ There is another Circular _— a is even more aggravating puff- ing handbills. That is the Prospectus re. The Prospectus Bore I not only resent as an attempt to take me in, Sir, but also as a mockery of my limited circumstances, Sir. It is the Circular of some new Joint-Stock Bank, Assurance, Mining, or other Bubble Company, a speculation in which it invites me to invest money. Now I have no money to invest, and if I had any I should invest it either in Government securities or freehold pro- perty with a guaranteed title. But it exasperates me, Sir, to be reminded that T have no money to invest whilst so many fools have plenty, and are cosened out of it by a swindling circular like that before me; a position, Sir, which it ‘does not long retain. the meanwhile, Sir, I console myself by exulting in the know- ledge that I could not be the dupe of any such humbug, and I gloat, with pleasur- able derision, over the considerately cs yo form of applications for shares ed, and spaces nicely left for me to fill Aa FE a should not | Faithful Batman (who smells a Dun).** Master ’s Gone TO A Court-MaRtrat,”’ | rising generation of wags, who are still at their freshest, we propose from time to time WE REGRET TO STATE THAT THE FAITHFUL DOMESTIC HAS MORE REGARD FOR HIS MasTER THAN THE TRUTH, FOR THIS 1s Mr. St. LONGWIND. with its lines all so handily up, and the place where I am to sign my name, as bere it were a matter of course that I should. I am not of a demons ive nature, Sir, but, as 1 look at the trap giving a few specimens of those exquisitely facetious stories, which long ago set the tables of our great- t, t-great-grandfathers in a roar, ut which have nowadays fallen into most unmerited oblivion. The rare wit and humour of the following anecdotes, be it remarked, does not lie upon the surface, nor can the reader expect at once to plumb the subtle depths, or reach the fine ints of Honest JoszPH’s funny stories. Patience will overcome all the difficulties of the pleasurable task. We will com- mence with the following gems :— A DOCTOR’S FEE. A Certany Quack, calling one day on an invalid, asked him, “ how he did?” “T didn’t,” was the sufferer’s reply. “Then,” cried the undaunted disciple of Gaten, “It must have been your brother.” With this he pocketed his fee, but never returned to the House. THE CLOWN AND THE POPLAR. A Was, happening one day to be walk- ing through St. James’s Park, was ac- costed in a somewhat rude style by an elderly countryman who was staring u at a stick that was suspended on a branch of one of the trees. “Prithee, Sir,” quoth Honeg, “ is not this an injustice ; for I see a piece of wood that never did aught of harm toa soul g while there is a knave below that goes free.” ‘‘ Nay, friend,” returned the other, “ but I see one that isn’t.” And so saying he turned on his heel and departed. VOL, XLVI. P

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[Aprin 2, 1864. 194 " __ PUNCH, OR THE ‘LONDON CHARIVARL YOUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. gan PuncH,-—A -_ friend of mine, * man” healls himself (for as babies are bom nowadays ~~ five er .six years old, mes a is twenty), — = wari dae match, to a, Staae to _ possi get ir work gvithout tter than ‘to wait for f rs to keep him in reserve fit dimotly after the last n 1 t Gaelic or Feejee, he y bed-time, used to .~ that we shows Bo have and a-pipe at Paddy Grezy’ we should be upon some fellows. Now, TT; I aia billiards I thus grows monotonous, I proposed | yy of novelty, to look into some theatre. ent, however, there seemed pag es the stage that | ‘Treoom he Jon test to me te aoe nab een i hristmas. I recommen Miss Leah? © yes, she’s ope I saw her in Dctabets eat hed make me ¢ just |” Ps: Saag ’s the Ticket-of.Leave Man Triline Gna. u, my dear fellow but I-saw thet pt. last summer” Well, ang an *s the Haymarket. “What! and. old Lord Dundreary, who’s beea Playing for ony ?—puff—why, | } my dear fellow, I saw pin te = S iozen times at least a couple of ears ago—puffpuff—before even I left sc hoo pane —bemg ore even I knew you— “Well, it really is a nuisance,” chonipenee, in which my young fi friend nearly choked me bythe vdenens of his smoking ; “ but if authors will write pieces so abo mi att oe pen tags they somehow draw good houses for a couple of ts, of course men like you and me, who are getting rather hanes and eare to see cs ¢ g twice, a eS can’t go to a theatre above once in a twelvemonth, the iy wonder at our absence. come now,’ onan 1 dat net glancing at. the Zimes, “swells like you andme don’t Thames in our dramatic e itions, so Ww ng aa hour with Mzssreurs SHEPHERD and IN Over I hear that there’s an cut aan blood-and- thunder er sensation drama there, whee, cold. ed murder and the ee anes, and a gatarect of Real —from some Real Water Works ht in desperation and a een off we went, a oa me three thousand people, Se wall nia oo tats as tty * es na I Tearned but all thet they had most evident enjoyment of the o which I | id their sixpence to the ral iN. No half- —4 exes t to io pay two shillings to to the ing innovator having se bold enongh to tempt a at calies “2 aristocracy » tronise the t by stealing from the pittites a row or two of .) Without quite eghel eee that Ashore and Afloat “eclipses Black-Ryed Susan,” "Ons Blaze of Triumph” from Mhe first to the last scene Tene it that, when I saw it, the drama was received with “ tumultuous applause ; ” and there were starings, shout- | his 7 ir! who, with his soft an t dye say t0 | ge ings, stampings, and hand-clappings enough to be“described as “ acclam- ations of wonder and delight.” The plot wasumore intelligible than I quite expected ; and all throughout the piece the author. Ra 2 did his best to prevent a British audience from mistake between villainy and virtue, and so took care that the no a which was done in the ‘irst act should be committed coram , and not behind the scenes. The humour was peculiar,'as in t "over-water dramas it usually is; but in neither 7 nor gesture was aught to be deteeted at all savouring of coarseness; and this ismore than may be said at some genteeler eases aa which 1 forbear to.name. ‘To tell your | friend in concen, “Well, if “tis so, it *tis, ont & con't poms *tis-er,’ fer Sone | not ap haps, 2 avery brilliant epigram, but the “dehgh ith its pungency and {pomt; nd hen 2 Hail Oak- rfectly t Jord, of. tempted to turn traitor at t Alesse, turns his |“and, hitching a sonore says, yp | damme, no! non tng id Pale fas colour Blue, and not ees gallant fellow’s courage, = the house is quite enraptured at the sparkle of his wit. aye itis because v= tose author seems -thraughou' bw ae they naturall in Mees Regt but nig C@ | sudden reco trifle to. k most nat —— -knife em bank Liens — about for four years they may prove his guilt Mz. SHEPHERD as @ hand and a big Union. (a famous thing gre ter a terrific “ene, tang, over, one, two, the Dey, “wears a b All ¢ ch, you.see, 38 nature , and axe thereby to faney tl yoke cto XMOUTH, may diseover at the Serer Ost m Mey and that es c aan im reality was > apa one voice and light and _ | reminded me a little of dear old T. P. Cooxz. As to the sensation seene, which takes place in-e ecal-mine, its chief pmovelty consists inthe fact that all the are left hanging in mid-air at the falling of the curtain, and when the cuntete again rises at the bidding of the _ the rescued heroine and her friends are still F in bodily suspense. haps the next sensation climax will take place in a balloon, and a tonite roadsword combat-will come off in the ear beeen 4 the hero and the villain, when the being worsted, will | proceed to draw a blunderbuss out ‘of his left boot, ond. Seng hang at the balloon, will laugh ha! ha! as it collapses, and the act-drop | will descend while they both vanish down sia. Of course, in the like | next scene the audience will learn that the villain ‘has been smashed ; andthe hero will be seen with one arm in a mg and the other round the heroine, who, being startled at her needle by the banging of the blunderbuss, looked out and caught a ~~ of Soon = as it col- lapsed, and so, with woman’s wit and quickness, seampered from her cottage, carrying a feather-bed, whieh Po laid apon the grass-plat just ain tame to break her long-loved Harry’s fall. Trusting that Hal Oakford and the girl he nightly rescues will neither of them break their legs, or even sprain their ancles, before their run is over, I beg Jeave to subscribe myself as usual, OnE wHo Pays. SHAKSPEARIAN SCULPTURE. An Advertisement of the Shakspeare Monument informs the Public “It is proposed to commemorate the 800th birthday of SHaKsPeare by erecting in Lendon a monument embracing a bronze statue placed undera decorative canopy in the style of the Poet's period.” It is difficult to conceive a monument embracing a statue, if th mg monu- audience |™eat is not a-statue itself, or does not resemble either some animal or a bear, capable of clasping or hug , or some plant, fike @ Vine ora honeysuckle, sconshanl toc aatiwine round objects. Otherwise, a monument could hardly em = a statue; if one is to embrace the other, the statue should embrace the monument, Tf the monument embracing the bronze statue to be erected in eqns of Suaxspeare’s birthday is to be itself a statue, well and good. bronze statue might be that of Juliet, and the other Romeo’s, and ‘ane might be thus represented embracing Juliet. Or the two statues might be a statue of 7i¢ania embracing a statue of Bottom, To rHe Diety.—Try the Soap-and-Water Cure, at the excellent Hydropathic Establishment, Sud-brook Park. o='"4a 2 oO Qabh’bh” o@reaert os 7 O wd BO OD oe tao

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OOO CYTES Re ASO OR a HT || SASESS RES OSSE Se 6a Reser “oO - TO py. OUR RR SESS

Aprit 2, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

AN EASTER-OFFERING TO LORD RUSSELL. Easter rest to my Russei! From Parliament’s tussle, From bother and bluster’and baiting’; From Derbyite vapours, m cries for ‘‘ more papers,’” sear! spounding ing es From ie offers, To this an at nae — Of Fed- or of oe out in esses Whig precedent om lone Served aenesll cl, in =o ® ane of — rt Top ener 5 And h- of oto boo’ your sermons; In ro. sense sad you ’ve dint Ey’rything *neath the sun To. oe 8 mines bom. expbiding; his ssa ‘action: Friends’ coolness, and rivals’ ill- boding ; Rest and bo thankful?

SHIPLEY SWINE’S FEAST. Srezaxine ‘of a particularly obstinate fool,JDrx. Jounson he would ie nt tumble og hogstye as long oo you stood ee ca cad him to come out.” ‘There are some’ men Sonatinas sitions are won- drously — pee by those. (Repeats it a *bus-conductor.) Let me see— yesyesyesyes (all one word, a string of affirmatives) (Suddeniy.) Oh— The ay who constitute the mischievous’ association calling; iteelf —Oh ! i) *ve left there a very long’time. the Shipley S ye nye aha take an ermiant pride in their dete to persist in t to exterminate small om out of sheer pe A mn we ‘what “ Punch and the other anti-bird- killers have said s about it,” The exeellent dinner provided by Mr. and Mrs, Suarzr in their usaal style forthese boors was probably not the sort of meal that are best able to appreciate, which is-manifestly barley-meal. But for their ity to swine, the bumpkins who have taken the name of the S w Club would have most justl described themselves by’ that of the Goose Club; only’ they yen then have been liable to be confounded with more rational soci The Caterpillar Club would also be a suitable title fora set of fa come who are such blockheads as to conspire for the destruction of oon Their attempt to destroy the destroyers of the vermin that crops is suicidal; and the injury which they inflict on t swimming against the stream of enlightened opinion, completes ree ofobetinny to the grunting’ ting auadruped ofo

Notes and Queries. Tae Pillory was meat in the*first instance, a place where an offender was obliged to take medicine, though whoever was placed therein, which is regarded as the emblem | Ist Cit. (utterly uninterested), Oh! then ‘you’re—(cleverly)—then you ’re somewhere else now, elt ? is is not a bad hit as far as a mere guess goes Qud Cit. Yes. Oh yes, we’ve'moved. (Debates within’ himself whether he shall me the canses that urged him to his migration ; that he will do so), Yes, we’ve moot for the fact is that (alters his mind) Camberwell was all very well , (contradicts himself) but it was rather a nuisance, and sof( finds that he’s getting into difficulties), and so we mov Qnd Cit. (who thought that his friend would never come to the end of the story, says with an aw — pone Ah! Pause. During which eye one another, then clear their throats ir | several times, as if they 4 oe > awallowed a_chicken bone. lst Cit. Well—er— Qnd Cit. Well—er— 1st Cit. (not wishing to be abrupt). Good bye. I’m very glad we met. is Qnd Cit. So am I, (And evinces his delight by at once saying). Good Mist Cit. (as he moves G ¢ calls), Look in and see us one of these days, - wr off LS nap - app has vine fs ed his address. “ 4 ng really to nobody ith pleasure. ot course Tet Citkcen does not want to see 2nd Citizen , and 2nd

undoubtedly had a dose of it. Citizen never intends to call, and so ends the First Meth

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Aprnit 2, 1864. , 5 Sera aoteasonansarvdaac yy yf Uy Uj jf YY OLD LD POE OE Sarr ew es Yh iii it 048 Ads Ly Vd My Wise, Wy YY; Sl Ys WY tp Wy 4 SLB i“ tN iy (the. — Mc Wee bhp 77 s i A 072 Li a) YUE 4 4408 4/ 44 777, MINTS 4 “tty || YY TELL ti, Wf Wh 3 Qu Ww FRIENDLY ADVICE. Pau. “ MY DEAR JOHNNY, THE EASTER VACATION IS A GREAT INSTITUTION, SO—REST AND BE THANKFUL.” useless habit, wc., we.”

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2, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 139 ri

THAME COUNTY-COURT LAW. Zod, Bag... QC. My B. Panzx, country, happen tosee a stable- PY ia scone eee rol ie | epee ay wor cer deidemareel maieicers {oe ee ner Be OBESE ; resume the pennies ne [a one ay Doctor! you have come to 4he decision -whieh you are meget: Borns poten pronounced in ithe case of “ WG. of e Uae *? No wonder that epee, Cero has given Mr. WaLxKEnR’s initials. He doubtless t that plain WatKER would be taken to indicate a hoax. And, I must say that the} ee a m inseven cases of childbirth- pastieshatenntonsstncsmen by Mz. Parkes, appeared for the defendants. represented his own case, and in opening it said—My case is very as far as I understand, ” Treskle ef Brill, and ans a medical district ct officer in Union.” galled workhouse turbot; but | u Fe i of ay alow allowed i pe the be Thame Union. easesof midwifery. I have done so threeaturters oa four Commissioners. I have now ils oro Gurtatueas hrs‘ saSe | we Pout a distance Sees See ot on eet ai ible and e to gob mat is de to me, and the last time We dee epee Soe. If I have no Dciiattediedibonst tae crcescers overseers?” A conversation ot gr wd mare nd nada ouand Mr. WALKER, and that po hemp ed ons coal AY the Poor Law Conane Cmaionen unr ich Bd aera he. appealed to you over to the “Mr. Watxer. What I have read are instructions supplied to us ; are they not Benen Sn Oe See “Mr. wrranreerrd his Honour te te liter ast of atsio48, where it tated | have entanians S emetnati ications enone naksontad une teow «the Joven. I Do you cases.of confinement are those of a sudden and urgent “ Mr. Waker. If I receive.en.erder fram an.overseer, I am bound to attend.” You then laid the following obstetric law:— “The Jupcr. What i should:term cases of sudden anid t necessity would be ‘ with childbirth on he road or ina field. I in to a.conclusion for the plaintiff.” Gus ® limit “cases of sudden and urgent is usnally, ordinarily, and commonly ioe I'know that-some Judges are apt iat So et ae | aoe whatever may be to the publi cet crete tke Gear ceed e public purse, as’ agengnenny ed ey sho decline to put money due into Mr. Watxer’s. Nor is the jadgment | below esc one which any old woman would have pronounced, under circumstances :—, “ The Jupar. The question is, who is to oat I am Clearly of opinion that an ordinary case of midwifery is not one ot conten urgent. necessity, there- iIncLiwmichotminwnepies, ee ” dom fk porto to arian ie = ive an order to.attend « How is it rome Abat the Boerd are not in this instanop guar- “a eee sina tho plc pure. ‘you.appear to have beer prevailed upon to reconsider the in +0 Seas Me. Bun, & reply See ald, 08 imme- get his feet wet. va stick to your however, refuse Mr. WatxzEr’s appli tot the ex a again give j eat for the d the position that the .cases |W ‘WaLKER was Epenasctenkateenshersnalinpense, eee the Post,.and other her nearepapes, as an subjoined solicita for names;

that Sey ene, ‘Lwedee a ae ES Re case of a 4a e or a wound of the oral artery? As guardians of the public purse, not to mention their own, the Thame Union Board will pon you to decide that not on of the cases just enume is a case of one Uys deal rainy if not that in which, am dered. wa eee necessary to run for the ? Well now, Sir, su the die en ha ad ee ae Sooke es ee Some ot coms and, from accidents Rate Waker can explajn me dou the oy oe - ag abi coroner’s jury say? So wes Y ; unless the ease has nny Court over be Ppa ae: oaths tee lye death at nobody’s door, ont; ——y the ju judgment of Ma. na Aceept, m: Geteddandinaditrtiiaiineneis Th Be pases ‘Pueagurc. Lueina Piace, Mareh, 1864. although |Mz. Home, the overseer, br pees nocivellle case Trequirmg coal wd ad Woe @ compound

ADVERTISING A NEW @RIXCLE. Patra m9 7 en wy 2a f See igno! ion 0 e drawn a declaration of their belief of them, and sent it about te the rest of or , as tho view of | ituting it ‘a Fortieth Article. Not, however, content ‘the private of this document, they have it.in_ the nie ome on Ne wei An 2, - oi elena a clengyman in in of ey tho, de whose on py are rer, Siren uncertain, the to -s hee 4s a he ap ere Bagel a et Rey aed a ange ak Hees Mi “some ten je exclgeued’ the atl as he might “* Meas exclaimed the Dictator, bo in pedi-bus ;” eviden’ y meaning, ‘ * penny

ON DIT. ‘Aw application has been made, on _behalfof oneofthe pri and Hairdressers in London, for a 2 Colonuale of a Barbers pate ma to his extended practice. The pro

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Apri '2, 1864. -A NEW PLAY BY SHAKSPEARE. ur “facetious contemporary” (need we name the Atheneum ?) what, for want of further evidence, we must presume to bea , in its announcement plays with which the SHaKsPEARE Festival in Lon- don will be celebrated, which our facetious contemporary in- forms us will be these :— . “ ‘ there will be SuaksPaxhta be or, n wna St. — AN féte at A Thursday, A) 28, and the pabentn All these per- formances will include SF eS a scene from SHaksPgaReE. Mr. Buck- Twelfth Night, donis We know that SHaxsPrarz wrote a Venus and Adonis, but we were not aware that he com it for the stage. Will BucksrTove, we wonder, orm Venus or Adonis ? ichever part he takes, it will, doubtless, be a treat to see in the c ter; and we shall ce endeavour not to miss the novel ht. a ~ to the other play, called Buntum, ich, after the f hk Night, Mz. Buckstone will perform? which, comedy of Twelfth Nig pe , We never before knew that SHAKSPEARE wrote a piece and we must say, that we feel a little moved to wonder, that such men uns Cuantes Kwicut, Couirer, Hattiweit, and Dyce i huntings, never hunted up this play. sadly careless in making researches, we prefer to think this Bussum is simply a production of our jocose contemporary. Certainly, so far as our recollection serves us, this is by no means the first time that our contem has some- how mixed Bunkum up with SHaxsrgaReE; and we should not mind predicting that it will not prove the last. CABBY UNDER A MISTAKE. Tue sympathies of our readers will not be invoked in vain on behalf of the poor driver of a cabriolet whose affecting story may be thus briefly related. His name was CHaRLEs Rorrey, and he was hired by Mr. Epwarp Weston, of Westow’s Music-hall, Holborn, to drive him from that place of entertainment to Tottenham-court 3 a distance I ile. On reaching his destination Mz. Wxston paid the poor cabriolet driver the sum of 1s., being not more than only twice the amount of his fare. Labouring under those excited which sometimes obtain the mastery of cabriolet drivers presented with a remuneration which they deem inadequate, Rorrey, unable to restrain his emotions, gave utterance to them in observations adi to cer- tain other drivers of cabriolets who were standing by. To borrow the words of a Bow Street Police Report wherein the fe ing particulars are narrated, he, “ ing some other cabmen, told them that that was Mr. Wxston of the Music-hall, who had given him 1s., at the same time ap some filthy expressions to him.” The customary utter- ances of an irri cabriolet driver, suggestively described as filthy expressions, will be familiar to most persons who are in the habit of iring cabriolets; and Mr. Wxston, offended with their application to himself by Rorrzy, demanded his ticket, which Rorrey declined to give, and was retiring without anvenne & when he was arrested DS _— and compelled to produce that token, which enabled zsTon to summon him before Mz. Hatt for using abusive . The poor cabriolet driver was unable to deny the statement of Mx. Weston, corroborated as it was by a policeman. He had, however, a very remar excuse to offer in palliation of the offence which he had committed. According to the above-quoted narrative :-— * The prisoner said, he had begun to move away before Mr. Weston asked for his ticket ; and, indeed, he was not going a’ altogether, but to the cab-rank. He did 1 - e ae, oak was oy 4 of using’ abusive language to Me Weston, as his: Poor fellow! Who does not pity him that thinks of the very pardon- able mistake he made in supposing that he kept himself within bounds of the law so long as his observations touching Mz. WEsTon were made not to that gentleman, but only at him? The remainder of the tale is painful ; but might have been more dis- tressing. With regard to the observations which poor Rorrgy had too clearly intended for Mz. Wxzston’s hearing :— ** Mr. Haut said, they were obviously meant to annoy Mr. Weston, and to excite the other cabmen to deride him. Defendant must a fine of 30s. and 2s. costs. “‘ The defendant paid the fine.” a He might have been unable to pay the fine, and, in default of pay- ment, have been adjudged to a we the i ™ LIQUOR BILL LEGISLATORS. (A Parliamentary Cantata.) Lawson and Somes. How fast doth drunkenness decrease ! Oh, let a law be made To check that evil, ere it cease Without our needful aid ! Semichorus of Members. O greatly called-for legislation ! interference nowise vain ! Curtail the freedom of the nation To make all hands from drink refrain Somes. Accept my Sunday Bill! , Oh, take my little pill! \* Chorus of Members, { Quack, quack, quack ! Stowsyour clack, Lawson. The swine entire my larger measure “ A Liquor Law permissive I —— Chorus. Betiamy, oh, Bettamy! Should we not abolish thee ? Somes and Lawson. See from Wesleyan Preachers, and Sunday School Teachers, What a load of petitions I have to present ; Look how many names these are from each Ebenezer ; Oh, concede the demand of Low Church and Dissent ! Chorus. , The subject ’s liberty betraying, This ones would donkeys’ wisdom show ; Whilst here we listen to your braying Ears at our temples seem to grow. Both your Bills affront good sense, We will read them six months hence, :: BUOY THE LIFE-BOAT. Tu deaths by fire, owing to crinoline, are very numerous, but no statistics have given us the figures of the victims of tasteless vanity and gregarious folly who, in omemene of wearing prodigious hooped petticoats have been annually, during some years past, roasted alive _ Great, however, as is the multitude that rishes in the flames, it is smaller than the number of people killed y water. The latter, too, has been partially ascertained, and, in so far, consists principally of men, and mariners, to whom you gentlemen of England that live at home at ease, and you | , are indebted for the good things which you enjoy, besides home produce, and including some of that. : At the Annual General Meeting of the Royal National Life-boat Institution, held on Tuesday last week at the London Tavern, in thé report of the Committee then read, it was stated that :— “With a shipping representing about fifty millions of tons, and 300,000 vessels which cleared outwards and entered inwards from British ports during the past ear, & e number of shipwrecks has become almost a natural sequence. Accord- ard it is found that 1,620 casualties ged gr last year on the shores and in the seas of the British Isles, accompanied with the loss of 568 valuable lives—lives of the utmost q to the and defence of the country.” in their own — aati Ste’ bf fete ee. ~

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Aprit 2, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CEHARIVARI. 141 The sum of 568, in the ing connection, is fearful enough, but see below the amount which would have stood for it, but for the exertions of the Life-boat Institution. The above-quoted paragraph is followed by that which we rejoice to annex :— anne Ua ents UM i tng tac msee resid 105 pete these owe their to 829 to the rocket apparatus,and 3,738 to ships’ own boats, steamers, fishing-boats, and other means.” After the enumeration of the above and other particulars, comes a tabular statement of the number of lives per annum saved during the last nine-and. "years. It may be sufficient to cite top and bottom of this column, leaving the intermediate ciphers to be presumed :— “ In the year No, of Lives Saved In the year No..of Lives Saved 1824 124 1868 714 Let us, however, append the total—13,568. Our Act being otherwise e , we cannot at this moment get him to calculate the pecuniary value of that number of lives, taken at the average on the principles of a respectable and solvent Life Assurance Society, and can only say that we should, like to have as much, in order to devote ourselves to the gratuitous instruction and entertainment of mankind, and the advocacy of all useful charities, amongst which the Life-boat Institution will be allowed to rank, even by a Malthusian political economist, and must be considered by everybody to hold almost, if not uite, the very foremost place. Its operations are large and expensive ; their enlargement will require increased expenditure. This Institution will save more lives if it can get more money; and its bankers are Messrs. Wiis, Percrvat, & Co., 76, Lombard Street; Mussrs. Coutts & Go., 59, Strand; and Messrs. Herrizs, UHAR scat taligicainns ic er Untied Kiegaoarertaerescol toon sen ers in the Uni or to any one of them by. TSsOns . es = i anil ‘will alo be received, with a hooray, by the Secre’ cHarD Lewis, sg, of the Institution, 14, John Street, i We. numerous testimonials to successful of consequence to mébody but their office The somebodies ies, daily advertised in the papens, prove that there many persons who have much more aaeey than they well “to do with. If they do not send all of it to no OR they had better send some, if not all.of it, to that of the “ DRINKING THE SHAMEFUL.” EAR Mr, Puncu,—Do you’ ever smoke? For your pet ere s ope on’t. I never a speak harshly of other 8 weaknesses, but I have mo sympathy with smokers, so you may fancy with what pleasure I seize on every chance of saymg a bad word for them, and bringing them to ridicule and well-deserved .con- dempt. Now, did you notiee the j account that Mr. Grerorp ‘ PatcRave gave before the Royal Geographical Society of his travels in Arabia and his visit to the Wahabites? These delight- ful people (you will see soon why I call them so) tae are pious followers of Manomert, who live in the great central plateauof Arabia, and are more rigorous in adhe to the precepts of the Koran than Mahom- m in general may be presumed to be. From the interesting account which Mr. Paterave gave of them, I must ask you just to print the following short extract, for the benefit of ruse may think themselves more civilised and’mentally enlightened than are these benighted heathens, as we presume to call _ “The founder of this sect, Isw Anp-z1-Wannas, who was born about a century since at the beautiful town of Hormeilemeh (through which Mr. PaLGrave passed), revived the Mahommedan in all their pristine strictness, so that any one desirous of understan: what Islamism resembled in its palmy days of early enthusiasm could not do better than visit Riadh. His followers are divided into mollahs, or spiritual guides, who have nothing but learning and devotion to recom- mend them, and the body of the people, who are governed by an hereditary Souci, petegs e strictest and most extraordinary of any recorded in history. ri y are the of the Koran observed, that a debasing fatalism ies the aa of AT religion >' of great m supp! of which Mr. Patorave cited some ludicrous examples. oreover, there is to Western notions the most grotesque disproportion in the classification and little sins. Such sins as murder, robbery, and the like are those of which Providence reserves the condign punishment to himself, whereupon, ‘ Alla hu Kherim!’ (‘God is merciful !’) is the consolation that the faithful believer rautters to aceount for the culprit escaping his just doom. On the other hand, the most deadly and abominable of all sins is tobacco-smoking |— ‘ drinking the shameful !’ as it is termed by the horror-stricken Wababite.” Through the unlucky accident that I was born’a Christian, I can’t quite go so far.as to say that I think murder is a less offence than smoking, or to state as my opinion that‘all smokers should be hanged. But it would certainly delight me were they viewed with the same horror that a murderer excitesin us, and were a very severe punish- ment awarded for their erime. “‘ Drinking the Shameful” is a very roper name for it, and I should wish all shameful-drinkers excluded m Society as rigidly as niggers are excluded in New York. This, to some unthinking persons, may appear a harsh opinion; but there really is no age see AY we, as a nation, have lost by letting wretches “ drink the sha » here in England, and how immensely "Win P ct Gren ete i ‘Wababites dis la: _ aa SALORANE 88 p ites display more taste in heir ‘tzeet-architecture Ges "Einedienass aun boast ef; and it is lear their taste i because do nicious tiee wiads they tly oak witiate it by that per- yt tetakng te share ul. see how hospitable ot them, and how to Such virtues are caused, which 8 the finer feeli ™ all the which the heart. men beeome dyspep' ehurlish; and I feel sure, that Fzssor Jowett of the salary now due sve bebomne ioe dolerant than the W shaliaeseliemn, benighted ve e less toleran as g heathens, they are anxious to exterminate, or at dl azenbeconsert. al Trusting soon to see an Jak Sas Sees established, which shall include among its members the rs of the eful, I beg leave to subseribe myself, Yours without A Toxsacco Srorrer. FRUSTRATION OF FOREIGN POLICY. Ox! let us adhere to strict non-intervention, Except by advice and remonstrance Between foreign nations engaged in contention, le niess we have interests at stake of our own. ing to war we don’t know where we’re to, e course of events to predict what man pe And the Statesman will - this uncertainty ’s owing to The great mutability of foreign affairs. Full many a faithless desertion has taught us To know that we never can trust our allies. Forget not the lore that anpeanes has bought us, If you are not less than the least of the wise. Our friends of to-day may our to-morrow ; And when you are left in the lurch, unawares, Oh! then you too late will remember, with sorrow, The great mutability of foreign affairs. The tortuous paths of the neighbouring nations ; Are not like our own ways straightforward and plain, They fight for ideas, that is, annexations, , All keeping a look-out their own ends to gain. And those who are leagued with us fail us whenever It suits them’; behold, in this conduet of theirs, That makes intervention a hopeless endeavour, The great mutability of foreign affairs. Full well we know what is war’s only sure issue ; Much money to spend, and to lose many men. Your alien friends will most. certainly dish you, May side with your enemies—where are you then ? Alone in the glory of vain self, A load of taxation to leave to your heirs, _ And ponder, meanwhile, with in nt emotion, The great mutability of foreign affairs. Alike if we join, or decline interfering _ In foreigners’ q , they give us ill names, Inveighing against us, and railing, and sneering, _ Because our intentions don’t square with their aims. Then steadfastly leave them alone to their changes, And ever keep clear of their pitfalls and snares, Considering what calculation ; The great mutability of foreign affairs.

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pra ie Hip tt ai yi Att Swell (to Corpulent Cabman). “Haw, HERE’s SIXPENCE—GET YOURSELF—GLass—BEER.” Cabby. “Tank You, Str, aLL THE SAME; BUT I NEVER TAKE IT. He says, I MAY TaKE TWO OR THREE GLASSES 0’ GOOD CLARET, OR A Grass OR TWO OF SHERRY WINE, OR RED Port, on Mapetry; ANY soRT 0’ SPERITS——” (Swell, deeply towched, makes the Sixpence Halfa-Crown.) PAYNE v. PATER. See Middlesex Sessions Report for Wednesday and Thursday, March 23rd and Ath, Mr. Payne may be vain, to crack small jokes too fain, And the least in the world of a prater, ; > But not three times. Payne’s fi , or prosing or punning, Could excuse the impert’nence of Pater. If your Surrn, Jongs or Brown, when he dons wig and gown, eels tempted to play the dictator, And to let loose his , on Judge and on Jury, Let him take timely warning by Pater. Punch pees not the person he’s spending his verse on, And his luck he conceives is the greater, For to write himself fully both blunderer and bully, Seems the principal cies of Pater. No doubt of his fitness to browbeat a witness, e a brazen- Bar Billi r, Or a foreman to hector, who dares turn protector Of the witness insulted by Pater. But for higher vocations, that ask taste or patience, Law or argument, tact or good-natur’, Mr. Punch’s impression’s that Middlesex Sessions Wouldn’t find Aim a client of Pater. When some poor wretch is bullied, his character sullied, With additions of snob, sot, or satyr, Whien jury ’s been fleered at, and judge has been sneered at, There’s an end of the prowess of Pater. With Payne he felt pleasure his valour to measure, roved hi in abuse a first-rater, Waal, Nigger ? Yah, yah! (Laughs more idtotically, and whistles like a@ steam engine.) like my ole arm-chair? D’ ye gib it up? ’Cos it am de seat dat which prompted the invasion of memory of i to do him honour by playing The I’m A FOLLERIN’ Mr. Bantin’s aDWICE FOR CoRPULENCE, Sir. But as thunder draws rain, so on pleasure came pain, In a twenty-pound fine upon PATER, For Payne has an odd kin in person of Bopxxrx, A practised snob-annihilator Pater Payne had defied; ere he’d Bopxus at side, | But Payne with his Bopxk1 floored Pater. Then more power to the Bench, and may Counsel who ’d trench On its rights meet a stunning negatur : " : And may Pare ne’er want Bopxxn to pickle his rodkin For tickling the toby of Pater! A Dark Saying. I Say, Sam? Yah, yah! (Laughs idiotically.) Yar’s a Conundidrum. Lookee yar. IfI tells you a lie, why’s dat use. Yah, yah, yah, &c. ad libitum. The Oxford Declaration Made Easy. “ A Prerry state of things, indeed ; Dissent will load us with derision : Just think !—to have to take our Creed To Little Betue1(t) for decision ! THE BURGLARY ON THE BALTIC, We have discovered the motive at the bottom of the German mind Denmark. It is veneration for the CHILLER. The — of that great poet have thought bbers. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn fo the Parish of St. in Whiteldam, City of Printers’at their Office In Street, in the Precinct of of Londo TuRDar, April 2, 1864. the Count, Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of 'No. 11, Bouverie 8: in the; Precinct ef me UIY of London, and Published ty them at No. 8 Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City

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Aprit 9, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON THE TRAGEDY OF WILLIAM I. Ya telegram from Ber- lin we find that “The Neue Prewssische ii (Kreuz) Zeitung of to-day gaye ee . * We learn that the king, cordial Ministry his approval of the policy adopted, both at home and abroad.” As the last_anniver- sary of the Kine oF Pruss14’s birthday was the 67th, nobody whose desires are bounded by ssibility could con- Rdently wish him many happy returns of it. Three more, happy or otherwise, are, unless they are destined to exceed the average number, all that can await him; and, unless he alters his courses, more than anybody who thinks thousands of good lives of more consequence than one evil life, can hope that he will see. The drama, therefore, of his Prussian Majesty’s life being so near ifs close as it is, and its approaching conclusion so clearly as it must be in his Majesty’s view, astonishment is created by his approval of a policy which, whatever it may be at home, is abroad’a policy of murder. He must know that the curtain is about to fall on an Act comprising the murder of the Danes, dictated by a policy which he avows as his own, Is it possible that he does not himself, when the curtain shall have fallen on the last Act of a life which thus winds up with the authorship of a host of murderous atrocities, what is likely to be the fate of the piece and the performer ? BETWIXT AND BETWEEN WERE BETTER FOR BOTH, Scens—An English Court of Justice. The Law. Prisoner, don’t plead guilty. How do you know whether a case can be made out against you? Prisoner, Thank you, my Lord, but as I did it— oe The Law. Be silent, my good man. How do you know you did it— did what your offence is said to be ? Witness. My Lord, he did take— The Law. Be very careful, Sir. Remember your oath. know that it was this man P : Witness. 1 have known him, I should think, for— | ; Rn Law, Never mind what you think. Did you ‘see him take the thing ? Witness. 1 was walking— 7 _ : The Law. Who asked whether you were walking, or riding, or flying, or crawling on your stomach? Answer the question. Did you see him ? Witness. Yes, my Lord. ‘ The Law, Was it at night or in the day ? Witness. At night. The Law. Can you see in the dark P Witness, There wasamoon,my Lord. The Law, Of course there was; but did it shine ? Witness. Very brightly. The Law. You can swear that it was he, and no one else ? Witness. Yes, my Lord. cue The Law. Do you know that he has a brother very like him ? Witness, Tt wasn’t his brother, my Lord. i The Law, Answer the question, or you’ll get into trouble. Do you know the fact that his brother is very like him ? Witness. He is not so very like, my Lord. 1s - The Law. How dare you say that? It is only your opinion. Will you swear that there was light enough to enable you to be certain that this was the man ? Witness. 1 know the fellow well enough, my Lord. Aid The Law. How dare you call him names? You dislike him, rh and the jury will be cautious in accepting your evidence. Be careful, Sir! How do you CHARIVARL Prisoner, But it is true that I took— the Jury,—Such charges are easily made, but disproved with difficulty. to admit everything is c to him. Still, it is for you The Law, As the Jury has found you guilty of stealing these sove- paprisoneds without hard Scenze—A French Court of Justice. Prisoner. Because I am innocent. The Law. You say . Prisoner. He tells the truth, my Lord. I did— The Law. Hold your tongue, my poor man. The Law, Keep him silent, Gaoler. Go down, you Sir, and feel ashamed of having shown animosity in that sacred box. Gentlemen of _ wines pap eemently an eulane, The = ge ho ae a om character, nothing has roved against him, and his readiness reditable to say, Guilty or Not Guilty. Jury, Guilty, my Lord! reigns, pri I have only to pass sentence, which I shall make very light. You will be i ur, for a month. Prisoner, 1 can do that on my head, my Lord, r [Flings his natled shoe at the foreman, and exit shouting. The Law. Prisoner, I am afraid you are an awful scoundrel, Why don’t you confess, and make reparation to society ? that with a certain impudence which proves you in crime, How came you to rob your master ? Prisoner, T never did. = The Law, This reiteration of a plea which is clearly false is dis- to the Court, and will aggravate your punishment. Are you of the theatre ? Prisoner, Yes. The Law, That denotes a love of pleasure which is frequently found united with dishonesty, Do you smoke ? Prisoner. A good deal, The Law. Doubtless, to st science, Do you go to Prisoner, At regular times. i Law, That shows you to be a hypocrite. Now, witness, is he no ! itness, No, m: The Law, How self ? Witness, Certainly not. The Law. Don’t answer in that petulant way. What is your character? Are you fond of the theatre ? Witness. No. The Law. Just so. A dark and gloomy nature cannot enjoy innocent recreation. Do you smoke Witness, Very little. The Law. You fear to be traced by the smell of your clothes. You know that tobacco incréases our revenue, and you wilfully abstain in order to injure your country. Do you go to mass? Witness. Seldom. The Law, You feel your evil character unfits you for the solemnities of the Church. Go down. The next. Now, what have you to say, woman ? Witness, The accused is an excellent husband— The Law. Are you his wife ? Witness. No, my Lord, but his wife’s friend, and I know— The Law. Then the less you have to say in future to the wife of an accused person the better. Perhaps you are in love with him. Witness, My Lord, I have a husband whom I love, and children whom I adore, and because any of them might be charged falsely, as the prisoner is, I came to say what I can for justice. The Law, That theatrical sentiment you have learned from some play, and your reciting it here is most indecent. Go down. Gentlemen of the Jury,—It is quite clear that this scoundrel is guilty. His insolent denials, the class of witnesses, atheists, profligates, frequenters of theatres, gloomy conspirators, and the like make his guilt evident; besides which a gaoler heard him say Mon Dieu in sleep, which showe temporary remorse. Finally, I happen to know that he is guilty, for I knew his father in his"youth, and he was a vile assassin. Gentlemen, you have only to say Guilty. The Jury. Not Guilty. The Law. You are a contumacious set of rebellious and illogical pigs, and I shall see whether the Procureur of his Majesty cannot deal with you as conspirators. Meanwhile, abandon the box you have dis. graced, (Eceunt the jurymen, confirmed in Imperialism, upify the reproaches of a menacing con- y Lord, : dare you say that? Did you commit the crime your- True to the Leiter. Tue Mr, FrowsEr, who had his communications addressed to No. 35, hurloe | Square, may be truly called the “ Flower born to blush unseen,’ Enetann’s “ Posre Restante.”’—Sim Row1ianp Hi in his re- tirement. VOL. XLVI, Q

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Arr 9, 1864. itm | WN an GE “fm \ ‘i. | } | t D | Te igh Kf OES C4 fy s SOLA? is ~ WS DEMORALISING EFFECT OF THE REVIEW. Ardent Volunteer (to Anxious Wife), “ GLORIOUS DAY WE’VE HAD, JENNY. My DEAR, IT WAS 8O LIKE THE REAL THING, THAT I DECLARE SEVERAL TIMES I was QuITE sorry I Hap not Got Batt Cartrincs!!” THEATRICAL INTELLIGENCE, (Or rather the want of it.) We instance the following as a good specimen of unintentional gaucherie :— “Mr. Fecurer, while playing in Bel Demonio, injured his arm through some complication with his sword hilt. The piece having been under-studied, Mr. JornpaNn at once assumed the character of Angelo in this emergency. ‘The injury is not serious.” What injury? The a ry of Mr. Jorpan playing Mr. Fecurer’s part? If so, we can assure our blundering contemporary that the injury, far from being ‘serious,” was so slight as not to have pe noticed by the public in the least. We cannot accuse Pxdlic Opinion, from wh nom we oteds bat if of quizzing, for it is generally so staid, and solemn, and soberly collec but if it cannot quiz with better taste, it had better abandon the habit altogether for the future. It is only adding insult to ‘ ‘injury ” to attempt to turn into ridicule a deserving actor, who had zealously taken up the part @ a brother-player who had met with a severe accident. Fie, fie, Public Opinion LADIES WHO ARE THE MOST PRESENTABLE IN AMERICA. Herz is a paragraph that carries its own acceptable = with it :— “It is stated, that some ladies in the South Confed ing their plate to the Treasury as a free offering to their country to relieve the pressure op mm the currency.” The Confederates, whilst they bless the above fair donors, may congratulate themselves that their cause is not so black as the sot-disant friends of the slave would wish to paint it. The “plate” thus freely given, is a consoling illustration of the saying, that there is ‘ t .. cloud so dark but what has its silver lining. ” Ladies must be patriots indeed, who so disinterestedly give their “ services” to their suffering country. We have heard of kingdoms being conquered with gold. Why then should not the South win its independence by means of silver? Should the Confederates ever be victorious, they will il be citisena, no longer of the American, but the Argentine, Republic, Out of compliment to the sacrifice of their zealous oy | ae they ought then to change the name of the Mississippi to that of the iver ate PUNCH. UPON THE EXPRESS TRAIN OF THE MICHIGAN RAILWAY. February, 1864. Midnight. Mercury at zero. Waat in this far ps rae West, Brings comfort to my lonely breast, And gives my life ite sweetest zest ? My Punch. The ragged boy who brought the news, Offered me much from which to choose, Times, Tribune, Herald, 1 refuse My Punch. But buy with well-worn ey a Which Cuase upon his ks vamps, And read, by dim Petroleum lamps, My Punch. Within the soetions, sickly white, Were men from Chicamanga’s s fight My eyes were moistened by the sight, y Punch, “ Discharged from hospital,” or. sigh, “ Where yet Pn hoon sufferers lie, And coming home at last.” To die! f My Punch. For those sad faces homewatd-turned Their short-lived pensions fully earn How many mothers’ hearts had yearned ! ! My Panch. *T was scarce a twelvemonth since, I know, When eager crowds beheld them go, Their youthful faces all a-glow, My Punch. And now all twisted by, the cramps, Which wrung them, ’mid the noxious damps, Of fenny bivouacks ‘and camps My Punch. Bright were those eyes, now bleared and dim, Lithe was each crutch- supported limb, Merry were once those spectres grim, My Punch. What contrast between now and then ! Their mothers scarce would know again Those mournful, feeble, dying men, y Punch. One speechless on his They take him forth Hie oe ” they say, A wretched hamlet by the way, My Punch. My wandering ag sadly bore My vision to the half-ope’d door, The tearful clasp—I saw no more, My Punch. Oh, fearful reign of greed and hate! Oh Nation, haughty and elate, Writing in "blood its dreadful fate ! My Punch. It haunts me, this repulsive theme, With gory phantasies, which seem The nightmares of a troubled dream, My Punch. For through the surface Boze, so thin, One sees the Carnival of Sin. The devil’s dice they play. Who win ? My Punch. The train is stopped by drifting snows. An inn is reached, but no repose Exhausted hungry nature knows, My Puxch. There I am forced to sit up late, Amid the chewing crowds I hate, Who patiently expectorate, My Punch. The whistle sounds, ere I depart, I clasp thee to m aching heart, Balm for the Exile’s keenest smart ! My Punch. —“a «@ 2424eEwoOoOSse ke ae eee OO —— st oo at ot te | —- nok ee oo

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Aprit 9, 1864.) PUNCH, LONDON Polite Oxbridge Tradesman (in quest of little Nibbs of S. Boniface, and walking by mistake into the rooms of long Nobbs, who “ keeps” on the same staircase). ‘Mn, Nrsss, I Bevizve P” —e is six feet one, and rowed a trifle over twelve stone at Putney, the other day), “ TaEN, My GOOD FELLOW, YOU'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING |!” A GENUINE IRISH GRIEVANCE. To Trwornuy O’Mutuicay, Esquire, Bricklayer and Toiler, Doblin. Ocnone! Tra, me boy, I’ve just cut out a repoort, which I enclose for you to read, and as you ‘ve niver larnt to read, you must’git the Praste to help ye :— “ AMERICAN ENLISTMENTS IN IRELAND. “The Irish citizens of Charlestown and Boston have been greatly excited this week, in consequence of the arrival in Charlestown of 86 young Irishmen from the city of Dublin, under extraordinary circumstances. These young men, 102 in all, left Liverpool on February 27, in a steamer for Portland, which reached that city on Wednesday morning, March 9. The men took an early breakfast, and then landed. A few of them strayed away from their panions, but the remaind came on to Boston in the afternoon train, in charge of the emigrant agent, a Mr. Finney, under whose inducements and promises they left their homes. The men are fine, stalwart fellows, young mechanics, all from the city of Dublin. Their story is, that they were indu to come to this country through the representa- tions of this Mr. Frovwey, who was announced in the papers as an “emigration agent for the principal railroads in New ry em who was commissioned to pro- cure 1,000 labourers.” The terms he offered them were a free passage, work imme- diately om arrival, a new suit of clothes, and two pounds a month and found, for Ye see this Mz. Fuxwey, the Emma Grating agent towld us a big lie whin he said he’d got a railway over here for us to work on, where wed git two poun: ds a month forbye a suit of clothes and a free passage across, not to mintion that he promised us free lodgins’ an’ free living; wid turtle soop an’ beefsteaks ike the Lord Mare gits in London. See omy now, how the spalpeen has desaved the boys who’d faith in pon their arrival in this city the men were conducted to an old building on hill Street, Charlestown, to Mr. Jerome G. Kipper, of this city, formerly used for his business but now improved as a ‘ Mission House.’ Mr. Kipper, the owner of the presented himaelf on the night of their arrival, and told the men, so it is by several of them, that the work they were ht over to do was not ready. But that need make no difference ; they idle a le day. They could enlist at once ; and he recommended the 28th, an Irish t, tothem. U this the suspicions were confirmed which had been growing nen the men, that they had been deceived and enticed from their homes upon false pretences. Mr. FINNEY now declares himself to be agent for Mr. Kipper; and Mr. Kipper protests, that he caused the men to be brought over here in good faith, actually and bond fide to work upon the Charles- town Waterworks. ° bs be “The condition of the men the morning after their arrival in Charlestown was anything but gratifying. Their number had already been diminished by those left behind at Portland, and of these the recruiting agents had snapped up eight. Without money, without friends, with scanty eh with no means to procure sustenance, they would have suffered greatly had not kind-hearted countrywomen supplied their wants. Recruiting agents hovered round them, and in the course of the day gobbled up several. Yesterday morning they were still in Bunker-hill Street, subsisting upon charity, and still pestered with recruiting agents.” Tr, may be ye will mind how the English jintleman we met upon the Key the night whin I left Doblin, an’ by jaggers! he’s a Jintleman if ever one was made, forbye his payin’ for the whisky so ginrous as he did, an’ betther luck nor mine to him! I mind me how he towld us to take care of ourselves an’ not to trust thim Emma grating agents, an’ bad scran to them! And, whin I towld him I’d engaged meself to come across wid MistHER Finvey, he said he feared that Finney was a fishy sort of name, and he hoped I wouldn’t find a shark in him who had it. By me sowl, an’ he was right, an’ I was wrong in leavin’ Doblin, ‘for though I wasn’t rich whin there, I’m now no betther off, an’ faix! a big deal worse I’m thinking. Maybe I will turn sodger jist to keep mesell alive an’ if I don’t git shot maybe I’ll die of sheer star- vation. I’ve no call to enlist, an’ git my brains blowed out wid a small swoord or a bagginet ; but what am I to do to work myself a living whin there’s no work to be got, an’ the only way of living is just to run the chance of dyin’ as a sodger ? So, Tru, me boy, I'd bid ye, if ye’re thinking to come over, jist think twice about the matther, an’ maybe second thoughts will turn out to be best for ye. I like fightin’ in coorse, wid a shillelagh in my fist an’ a friend or two to foight wid me. But foightin’ wid an inimy’s another thing intirely, an’ I think I’d feel no pleasure in gittin’ my skull cracked wid a big swoord or a blunderbust. So, Tr, if ye ’re in Doblin, ye’d best stay where you are until the foighting here is over. and thin if I’m not kilt maybe ye ’ll find ‘me livin’ here, and ready to resave you wid a shake of honest hands, an’ not wid a false’ mouth like that ould shark, Mister Foxyzy, the mershenary de¢haiver as he is,

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146 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aram 9, 1864,

eae © jowdll ‘ll git this letther, an’ ye will if. it don’t - so ye’ll keep your fut out of the that maybe I won’t it till 1 know if cr pias BAe Yaw be + it to the Dead Letther

HOW THE OLD PARTIES SETTLED THE NEW MINISTRY. Mas. Stanvakh Gamer dad Mas. Hetaty Hanns are discovered, wene-wrge comfortable. thing fb Wich you never said a truer if IY till you t you so, and Bus 1 rebar the you, I SE em i: a eee Your words was, bless bps these, neither more nor less, on oa last 02 Det oun poe hentoers vos, “Tt is already, the few brief that the Session has lasted, evident enough that Lomo, P, -T in that assem’ Constant yy EA without gross blunders, Seegerseeee hours of the ¢ Jamul Vado der ei , Susan, have, and I Sel ones by having” the privilege of calling of you by the name Mi Ma’am, 1’ Y ee en eae tae, Be - mt ound, endl mame, es, Sairey, Mrs. G. ‘re hes if the maton, 6 denmag ee aa ie but b = ro. | — that them as you. knows and that Tn mis Mrs. Harris (in all pret been tga, bel “Map had 7 never us according, it ain’t that those br toma va oo tee that, my woman ? in. E ow it. Why, it was only last week as that dear boy Ben, which will be, sixty please the pigs he comes to next ha he sa os, Logie to me, “Susan,” says he, and vou recollect what a chyce of 5 mw G. Ab, Ta ae did you call it, “not unadorned but hornet uence.” rs. H. Horpshe, my dear aren when iw write to your friends. Mrs. G. My friends can understan me, Ma’am, and when they don’t lll pal % ee them. Mes, @. Whigh iret takeg when not ase, and your rs is 0 when not meant, 8 elth." Mrs. H. Tn love, Which 1 was saying, Bex ae ee not to worsen his e by carrying t ‘the sam says he, “wold I exe! the of pleasant H enden for the stultifarious apoog oy ¢ ‘of Seat but for the stale small vice of Dooty as simmums me Mrs, G. Ah! Dooty ‘oa holy Mrs. H. Coan mig be 0 el *ae i di drink Mrs. r Coupling, pete rete HW have kept thes a 8 Mrs. G. That we arr: os Pi too many of thar shor short- it at W: igger. Fit vena. It apitchus spectacle, Susan, to behold old atin, Sairey. To be > dead cunt loie rage, two cntam of In_ all Rorcnrewcoat’s : maximum, never has cons on account of ‘Urs. Bi 4. Officer ? he was thought to be rayther too ne ald yippee Hm ae HB But the line must be dra ne tae re aad deen | ener eat I ‘am. That bo EN is 0 to lead the Ouge for him. Mrs. H. fe frock and how ul is th is of Prove, no way he i. G. Shocking, dear. But bad a wers. ; loved Sairey. You never. + ser mp thing in the Wa; of taunt, or try io caso rap ciate whl & Never, ny. dar and here hi elth, may that true hich tant a "of illneas and scorns ray tat mee a I'place in the hawls of the »dear Mavory, ui or rs it, ‘do cat eate’ good to nee Mrs. G. Don’t be so my good woman. ¥ He is a dear fellow, but it, and the required article, M's. ‘m, is an a= setonecnes — nevertheless, d what a mind ye Chi bold, the sentiment, “ A speedy | weally

Mrs. H. Soha, you beh vex a saint, which I am _not'at present ; ope aes doing may dooty in the spear in, whioh 1 a a as iu nen, See peeaees you where ’s your istinan om your oa ie thought as Mrs % And ho’ ob ee Fr oh ta be ela when those men march’ into the places‘of :Patmerston, and Russet, and GLADSTONE, -. Bernett, and Patmer, and Layard, and all them debilities. Wisger, my own Sairey, Wigger. Mrs, G. (fainily.) Wigger. [They clasp hands with some difficulty, as the curtain falls.

= GARIBALDI’S SWELL GUIDE. Tx following observations on the reception proper to be given to GarratpI, when he comes to London, were delivered by the HoNovnanin Mrz. Gaxpaw in the smoking room of the Ne Plus Ta i— Haw. Well, now that the fellah Garwrsator’s coming heeaw we ou, ht to give the fellah a weception in some_ way, faw afta all ; a sawt of hewo. What A’m afwaid of is, that the fellah’ll fall into e hands of the snobs. Of cawse he must go and be glawwified by the Aldamen, and be feasted by the Laup eth and pwesented with the se of the City, and all that of thing; but A do awnestly hope that he has some judicious Saad to keep him ~ fwat with the wawking men, and the ; because if he does that f will wenda it impossible faw s to wecognise the fellah. The von sawt of thing would be a dinna at the Wag and Famish, and the cipal quack clubs with the officaws of the quack wegiments ; ~ show a. the Opwa tot in boo Woe; but not not much - stweets, in scassl one e peo) except, exce e Dawby. Then, there here might be a dinna two at et the Twafaiga, and pawhaps at the e should be advised to ‘ian mostly, instead of 7 ie, a crowds wound his hauce in demonstwative upwaw ; ee A X should like to pwesent him, by wy of \ onmere: with an eyeglass faw him to inspect the people woug, When he goes to dine at ‘the Mansion House A would have him go & avoid the bwutes. He should be woed ia guage woth, and if A could woe my- ete let all political subjects be most alta avoided, and let the ity, be coaniane as closely as possible to gastwonomy, hauces, and the faiaw sex.

the fellah ’s a fine fellah in his

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Be Serbo ear Fl Sra? * Fae

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIi.—Apnit 9, 1864, THE IDLE GOSSIPS. Mas. Gaur (to Mrs. Harris, sNzEnine at tHE Acr or Dear Op Pam). “ WHAT I SAY IS—HE’S TOO OLD TO BE A CONDUCTOR—WE WANTS SMART YOUNG CHAPS LIKE YOUNG DARBY- AND YOUNG DIZZY!” (See page 146.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Arrit 9, 1864.

—<ét Gig a SS: == ee tif hd Zaha 44

hy SIA V, Yy Ls rAN i mY " WNNSNY ‘

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Page 169

Aram 9, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 15T

FROM A LADY SERRE PT OMOENT Y pear Mr. Puncn,—I have just read this ridieu- _ aragraph in one of ‘apa’s newspapers, though he sco’ s dreadfull < us girls cutiion bits out, we 0 on _ we find an hing awfull T shall risk his aes got anger :— ** Smoxine tw Rattway Car- k-}into iron - and | amount of nutriment consumed, Y | way, equally with the stokehole of necessary as 80 much fuel is for the performance of a steam os stint a convict as we stint a pauper, unless we put cave + lighter work. Flesh and blood will noi sustain workhouse diet. The hard only be done on the strength of @ bread, meat, and potatoes, and, ine. We im to a ur on labour of Rn crank and the treadmill can certain quantity of molasses, cocoa, ame, it is simple wast of tad the stomach furnace in its Samngae © ah multiplies almost to infinity oe numbers of your ubiquitous periodical. I propose, then, Mr. Punch, that we should contzire, if we to PPh ) the force which many of our ¢omvicts in w a mere e, unconnected with any m, are which _ os gd bresn the boards | the compressed air, which Fr put ba oe 5 into the cylinders, the smoker must make u his mind to ) Seana his ch: —) = real hardpan rainy Pare P of comfort should me made he og the stronger sex. Let railway- it of practice, it mig “ox oO even be well to F rs for do’ their 4 con ae Sekeien ual cour- teay."—haiieng News. *you ever read such horrible nonsense ? itely calls us, like the smell of a good gob course) beyond all things, and s a little smoky to his carrying As for any idiotic and fantastic women who can’t bear a i at home, Beg have no business to travel. C to you that {I ae often said their friends, and I have more when they fancied no fire was to be had, by . L once made them smoke in a ld gentleman who made a face at ou can’t think, but as the train not complain, and he had no who wrote the ridiculous and ill- Punch, ex lh to all gentlemen hat ok Bs i notion about our not cigars (but then <a ones, you oN oye omagial if ever mg ope into our part Legal d and we meet in a train, oy. al I may bite off the end of a Pain en Gant aa tall em weeds ?) for 5 ou. Pa Oe ren bribe them, and why should not the peed agile Te Srearay -crown, I am sure work hard enough. smoke tobacco where To, waite ee ‘a that i for all ye fi ty SU aa te soo ree good wife. A ridiculous old idiot ! Please show him up, that’s a dear, Believe me, yours very devotedly, The Hawthorns, ARABELLA Brick.

HARD LABOUR IN STORE. Mr, Puncn, Or course you know all about the Conservation of Foree. You know that the Conservation of Force is especially instanced in the Coal Fields, kn - force eonserved in the Coal Fields is that »-Adamite tree-ferns and other to them carbon from the atmosphere, thus im their, eg a of which coals are the remains, stored the coals. You know that we can extract from coals if if we cannot get them out of cucumbers. You know that the force of the sun, latent in coals, is reproduced from er ae } an of light and heat, and you know that heat is our principal a ash eteeding ‘that of horses. You know that our magazines of fo: ds, are in course of exhaustion, which must De rArnen seep distant date, and that scientific men t we shall possibly do for force when all been used up Mr. Punch, the raping considerations surely prove that we ought Yo economize free ab much as ever We can, and not throw away any ree which we could anyhow sa Sir, we are thro fre aay in the muscular exertions of pan y canton whom we unproductive labour. And of course the food that is required to keep up For that purpose so much food is as - — the contier's muscular money aay al pepe now only wasting on the For instance, av, be Linders furnished s, to keep the convicts ta the | form of meat and or handle, by which the fellows er reise the they had condensed the requisite ag i linders thus stored with owe, could be put by and kept, to tte To 7 Seam the motive power of their contents to ee e suitable ™Bther and better Plans of a Sa they one, use eee a the method above proposed may bey se In that case sufficient effect will ha produced by fhe sugeestio suggestion of your diligent student, P.S. I am trying to invent some means ‘i sthelbi:Mkatenateition 5 been force which is vainly expended, and as I say, , in cing. OPPOSITION SAILING DIRECTIONS. (For Getting-in.) . (BY SIR STAFFORD NORTHCOTE, ADMIRAL OF THE TRUE-BLUE.) Toss up your caps, rank and file of back- benchers, Talk big and unceably, Tadpoles and Tapers For loaves to your cup- vee fish to your 9 Shout, slander, agitate, clamour for papers ! Pitch into PALMERSTON, ridicule } are boys— (OsBoRNE will help you to for the galleries)— Work the Mazzrnt-cry, Youn: Whee ~ate hustle, boys— All sticks are good to beat from salaries ! If things look warlike, 4 ail to the rer Whose hot head thrusts peaceful BRrraxwia on slaughter : If vans look amb ~ point the thumb sinister At the sneaks who on JoHN ’s high heart throw cold water. If the talk tall “y they ’re blust'rers and bullies— eddle and Muddle” an excellent phrase is— If they sing small, style them spiritless cullies, Who haven’t ‘the pluck to go boldly to blazes ! You ’ll find hosts of weak points, if you but put your souls in it; t, take all they’ ve not done ; 3 and if that’s not sufficient, ~~ val that they ’ve done, and pick all sorts of holes in it ; Prove ’em neither omm —— nor yet omniscient. Show their dealing with Church-rates a bungle and blunder, (You needn’t, o — admit ours much the same was ; Show how in attempts at Reform eA knocked under— (Not a word of w it Dizzy’s Reform 504 game was). Point to the storms on the Continent b ¥ Ask if these are the pilots or sls an rough eas? Say a deal of what owr friends would sof think of Bat on what they would do, keep as dark as you An indefinite programme mpy oe engi Ant ap hand 6 2 nee Our business just now ’s to tear ¢heir game to When we’re t#, ’twill be time to consider = A Painful Reflection. Ir is in matrimony, as in warfare, there is many an armistice. In fact, we have known (to our wath be it i entoud as well as the sorrow of innumerable —) ms all the fiercer whilst the ooetinned = none severity “wey over. pear like weakness, or aller the snl not to os the belligerate M2 put the truth is a ay a eye such iy is Pa 9 a most perilous p: He who in the fire of both sides.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprit 9, 1864. Pevies nT} A 5. y cil ball WM ath sail =as. 7 = ies (eer | l., A REAL DIFFICULTY. “ Well, dear, if this is the usual style of thing in Derbyshire, the Farmers had better write up * No Thoroughfare’ at once ; then people would know what to do.” THIS YEAR’S PICTURES. To Mr, Punch, Dear Sir, E ' Di: In obedience to your instructions, and while waiting the time to visit the studios of my more distinguished friends, I have gone the round of the R.A.’s, or Rising Artists, who have not yet succeeded in tting their pictures exhibited, but who hope for better luck this year. There also to state, that, in consequence of these visits, my garments have become so irreclaimably scented with tobacco of-the strongest type, that certain differences of sentiment between myself and the partner of my bosom_and expenses have arisen; and, in order to pre- vent unpleasantness, I have withdrawn to Brighton. Young Boxuieropss has made much progress. His domestic picture, Skinning Eels, is very pure and conscientious, and he has evidently studied the subject very lovingly ; and a half-skinned eel endeavouring to make its escape, and being seized by the cat, is a charming little episode. JoOLLoPER has executed but one picture, but it is very fine. It is calle the Masonic Lodge, and he has represented with the utmost fidelity all the costumes, emblems, and signs of masonry. The scene has dramatic interest. An intrusive waiter at the Freemasons’ Tavern has forced his | way into the Lodge, just as a new brother is going to be made, and has instantly been cut down by the sword of the Tiler, while the Grand Master, waving the red hot gridiron, denounces the profane miscreant. The terror of the novice can be seen through the white night-cap drawn over his face. Yow1s has been very busy indeed, he has painted twenty- nine works of great force and merit, but the best, I may say facile prin- ceps, is his Execution of Sam Hall, which has been done for the Society for the Diffusion of Capital Punishments, and it is a master-piece of gloomy grandeur. I believe that a well-known Comedian of the day has sat for the culprit, whose expression of grim and humorous pathos is worth whole sermons. CHIDDLEWICKER is scarcely up to the mark of Chiddlewickerism, if I may coin a word, yet his Gid/e¢s are very truthful earnest, and the gizzard in the a gap is worthy of CorrEGGIo, Perhaps his Zamd’s Fry is more poetical, but is deficient in grouping. Miss Matiipa TrnkieR has executed a marvellous work, and one whieh will create a sensation by its unrivalled boldness. It is the Fight Sor the Championship, and represents Kine delivering the awful blow which prostrated the American Giant, You can hear the “thud,” and erimsoned ground is depicted with Pre-Raphaelite literalness and honesty. The faces are all portraits, and the leading nobility have sat to Miss Tryxier. The likeness of the BisHor or Oxrorp is superb. Her sister, Miss Rosamund TrNKLgR, has a clever little drawing-room Te mania Es i AM AIS y LY tis VHT rll U8 qu LATEST SHAKSPEARIAN NEWS. Tue Hoy. Mr. Cowper, in declining to let a procession enter the Green Park, on SuaksPeaRe’s birthday, in order to plant an oak * (the cheapest testimonial we have yet heard of, a little oak costing, we believe, the modest sum of one and threepence) said— We ih iy «It is understood, it will be impossible, on the *) ii (\) | | 28rd of April, to take any steps whatever for the com- 4” Rae t of the t that is to be erected. D vgaree lh) The design will not be prepared, and the money will 7 not be raised; and no definite step with regard to , the monument can take place on the 23rd of April, although on that day,there would be a declaration to the public at large of the details of what at that time | will be finally decided upon with regard tothe monu- ment that is to be erected. A site had been selected in the Green Park, but that site had not been finally decided upon.” ~~ ™ / > als ONCOL “HY iw ge inal ih There, ladies and gentlemen, that is what your Executive has done for you. Surely you will hasten to pour in your money in golden streams with bank-notes, like white sails, fre- quently gliding down them. On the 23rd, if you are very good, you shall know “the details: of what at that time will be finally | decided upon.” Le “all Hs ™y uae Util | ™ Avery good suggestion too, but the top of;Prim- | rose Hill is the place fur it.—Ed. Deciwepty zof the GeneRaL Meape of the Federal army, who has just been sum- moned to Washington to undergo a judicial examination. | | ‘The Meed of Praise.” | | piece, The Stretcher, and the calm sternness of the Police as they carry | away a Strapped and raging virago is very fine. The work is to be engraved for an illustrated and splendid edition of the “ Women of | England.” Mars. Spanxer has done a touching little work, His First | Caning, which will be a favourite in educati establighments. |The boy has been rather frightened than hurt, ; ip “taki his | shoe to hurl it at another who was clearly the tell-tale.” ‘ who has “caught it” in earnest, is rubbing his hands on a wet slate. The whole is truly feminine and graceful. Howsieeines has surpassed himself with his Dissecting Room, a work of marvellous fidelity. The shuddering young student, to whom the house surgeon, with calm irony, presents the scalpel, is admirable, and so is the figure of the porter who is bringing in the beer. I must not forget to mention Banpy Jocxktz’s little picture, The Mudlark, a sweet study, and the dead cat might have been painted by LanpsEER or AnspDELL, if either had done it. I was greatly pleased with James SnaGcERton’s Pickpocket at Bay, the thief is painted with much q| honesty, and the face of the woman clawing at the remorseless clergy- man who has lost his watch appeals to all the best sympathies of her nature. Barewe’s Leap Year is a hs conceit—a girl who has been crossed in love, as is shown by a torn Vilentine, leaps from Water- | loo Bridge, but is in no danger, as her lover, who has only tried a little experiment to test her affection, is in a boat under the arch, with a Humane Soviety’s hook, and a marriage licence lies on the gunwale. Lastly I must mention Dewtar’s refined, scholarly and gracious work, Napping Pepper. A mischievous footman, with a white sheet, has appeared as a Pepper Ghost to the cook, who in her ecstasy of terror empties the cayenne bottle over him, and you can literally hear him roaring in torture—the tone is exquisitely delicate and the feeling most tender. I will speak of other works in my next. Yours respectfully, The Bedford, Brighton, Your Anrt-Critic, A Suggestion that Comes a Little too Late. THe Infant Prince has been vaccinated at Marlborough House. We cannot help thinking, that it would have been a step in the right direction to have taken the Royal baby to Osborne, and there to have drawn the vaccine matter direct from Cowes. RemarxaBrs Day in 1864.— April. The usual Superannuated Grandmothers’ Festival will be held on Old Lady Day.

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sre_v™ we _ aa ee +O met Oe ter le e. ht ve APRIL 91864] PUNCH, O THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 153 —— THE NOISY BURGLAR, OR THE CAT AND THE MILK-JUG. Old Lady (en demi-toilette), “Take nim ix Caarcs, PontomMaN, TAKE HIM IN Caarcs!” (N.B. The Cat is in a tolerable fiz as it is.) MRS. GAMP AND MRS. HARRIS ON THE SITUATION. Yes—mum—take a drop of comfort, wich we needs it, missts ’Arris— I ain’t one, and you ain’t one, my dear, as fetches, nor yet carries, But down in the servants ’all, they knows how things is a progressin’— Wich I understand our Guvnor’s goin’ to give them Whigs a dressin’. Now, I’ve always made it a dooty, as true as my name’s Swirey, What the fam’ly does in the droring-room to uphold it in the airey, And nobody can say of me, if the fam’ly thought fit to fight, But Sairey Gamp stood by ’em, and proved as they was right. But I do ’ate stuck-up people, my dear, and of all the stuck-up sets, Them Palmingston people’s the wust I know, and the older the wusser they eee . I’ve knowed the old man this many a year, he used oftens to come my way, And werry civil-spoken he were, and always somethink to say. And ‘there ’as been times, when I was young and fresh-lookin’—but, lawk-a-day What’s the use of talkin’ like that, Betsy—of days that’s passed away ? But Panmieston ain’t the man he was, he’s a gittin’ in years, you see, And it > all. parties as keeps their looks, nor their wits, like you and me! I ope I know what ’s ladylike, and I scorns low language and spites, But this "ere PALMINGSTON’s a keepin’ our fam’ly out of their rights, Which it’s our dooty to wish ’em well, and say so, and ’elp ’em, that’s clear, And when they comes into their own, let’s ’ope they ‘ll think of old sarvints, my dear. If there ’s one thing I’ate, dear, it’s meddlin’ in another party’s quarrel, Wich them Patminestons will ’ave a finger in every pie, to a moral : Not that they ’re the English sperrit to go in like men that means | fightin’ But, ’drat their bragian imperence, they all’ays quarrels in writin’ ! | You a mas my words, whoever trusts ¢hem’ll find hisself left in the urch : Wich they ’re Papishes, if not infidels, leastways they ’ates the Church ! So fill your glass up, Betsy, it’s more comfortin’ when it’s’ ’ot, And ’ere ; Gm and down with them Patminestons, for a shabby, scaly lot ! MEASURES, NOT MEN. Sunsorvep is part of an advertisement appearing in a contemporary : “ GENTLEMEN who Don'T RUN TarLors’ Bitts will find the Economy of Casu PaYMeEnts by giving their orders to B. Benzamin, Merchant Tailor.” Mr. BensamMrn also advertises a saving of twenty per cent., to be effected by resorting to his establishment instead of employing other tailors. We much prefer this Bensamin’s terms to those of a certain other BensaMiy, one of the principals in the House of Dersy & Co. They haven’t the assurance to promise us economy of cash payments if we give our orders to them, because they well know that we should find just the reverse, and that, instead of saving twenty per cent. in any way, we should very soon experience an incr per-centage of the Income-Tax. THE IMPERIAL DYNASTY. Tae Price Impériat has been giving a grand dinner to his young companions in arms, “es Enfans de la Troupe,” at the Tuileries. Surely a more appropriate pees for the banquet would have been the ‘* Hétel des Princes,” so celebrated for its dinners. The above juvenile company, who are so fond of playing at soldiers, must be the well-known “ Enfans de la Patrie” that the Marseillaise is so fond of appealing to in the cheering tones of “ 4//ons /” We notice that the young NaPoLeon wore on that festive occasion his stripe for the first time as a serjeant. He is now what you may call the French Serseant Parry—in other words, he is unquestionably at present the first Serjeant de Paris, and we beg accordingly, with all the honours, to salute him as such. ’ .

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. _ [ArRiL 9, 1864.

ao F dra TRAVELLERS. BS, you may be, “the First Method of Street Talk i is c yeeidedly haul rt how sha i be mended?” Thus :— Tn order that you may tional a utterly | re d all adapted for ree acquired and gly mated off rattled off at a second’s occur to every thoughtful i oughtful and provident meeting, where, though rg may 4a ready as just now menti the other, either from his Punch, or ire, o melee Selene = with a fit and proper reply, 7 shail EASY AND FAMILIAR PHRASES AND DIALOGUES FOR USE IY THE STREETS, Arranged chiefly on the old Ecclesiastical Plan of Versicle and Response. THE JOVIAL GREETING, Raise the eychrows, smile, the right hand dae o your friend ; thas i intended he nll the notion of heartiness.) R. ae a (imitate the above pantomime, and grasp Smitu’s pi ial, oi old he (Applicable toa person of any age, from sixteen “ We old ! Frise Son ome th = 7 Now “ » shall be overcome. V. Why, Jonzs! down wit: ‘a slap om termed the ey it understood eo be compounded and dient toa as pla end — very well—it is immaterial At least, I won’t enter to say anything cor- mh om that t perhaps pats ond so eee into about m nor i being far too too precious to be yourself ; time totally uninteresting to R. You are ight nyu an as — of some sort, it what kind of a day it is. Instead of commencing, ‘| last night?” or, “ Seen th did,” &e. Politics will be thus discussed :— FV. If, my dear Jonxs, you have seen to-day’s papers, I am unable to add to your stock of knowledge ; if not, I have got something better to | do than give you a resumé of the ’ Times. R. T have read, my dear Saurrn, the daily papers, and have arrived at | the conclusion, that a slip-shod discussion on important public affairs by | two private individuals in the street, can to no great extent advantage | the policy of the Nation. In lieu of commencing social topics with the ‘pom ape observation, that “'Town’s getting very full,” or, “ Not many people in Town now,’ according to the time of year, the conversation, unaffected by changes | of season, shall flow on invariably in this stream :— PV. You know. i? well as I do, what’s going on in Town, and whether | it i . a gay or dull season ; and if you do not, it doesn’t matter to me. R, |’venotseen you teat Seeyemetny of course, I’ve not looked for oN, nor have I ,a 2 theatve articulars co: the operas an as much chance as I have De ascertaining for your R. True; and your opinion upon such matters will not affect my ees nor, as I am aware, will mine, daresay we = a9 be at she Der A or Ascot, or Newmarket. As we neither bet, R. 1’ve no ‘abt I Stall go. T Whether we meet there or not is indifferent alike to me and to you. FV. 1 think that this cusvenssiion should now come to an end, R. Decidedly so. V. Let me, therefore, say, that we are all quite well at home, or not all well at home, whichever you like. Fe; Oh! I don’t care; and so are we, in any state you like. V. Thus having satisfied \onteunenaeed without an effort, let us shake hands and say good bye R. Good bye. You may dispe _ A any, Hearty Humbug about, “Look us Up, old fellow.” z drop in and see us at any time,” and so forth ; but let the originally vv character of the salutation be kept up in the 9g ye us :— 4s ‘Te am very glad that we have met, ” as sit will obviate my calling » hevea peiref superfluous, on my and a constitution to inform you as to “Did you read the account of the debate e Times to-day? By Jove, how PALMERSTON <n fm have, probably, : he not return the ae aan and we need ua shop. one another in the street for a long B. "Lam really delighted to have seen you,” and do not care if I never set eyes upon bye, old boy (dnd. 4 Good bye, old (patronisingly). These V.’s and R.’s should be got by heart, or rather, by head and having but very little to do with it. Supposing that you have mastered this Galosee, ben, on poo a friend, at once to throw out a feeler im the shape of the first Versicle ; should onse, try him with the second ; should he roper Res f to you in another Method how the il in this also, I will ex dibculte may be surmounted. HOW THE WORLD WAGGED AT THE PERIOD BEFERRED TO IN SIR C, LYELL’S WORK ON THE ..“ ANTIQUITY OF MAN.” No Crassus as yet Had contrived to get Two guineas } hapainae to rub; nt no rap ’s tap, Nor had Hercules joined bis club. ie then Number Ten Could burch sed mo ty Eprrs ; We bt at tol Sad guns wp tad down.

te Steppes. No gents were burk’d, No garotters | lurk’d Round a corner one’s weazand to No HeeEnan’s pate Had felt the weight Of a Kixe’s triumphant fist No plated ships Had left their's slips With an enemy’s force to cope ; No world. wide fame Spread Winpsor’s name For either its kings or soap. No Lxsserrs’ canal | Raised a sad cabal On account of its unpaid Fellahs ; The weather I vow Was finer than now, For no people borrowed umbrellas.

An useless task | "Twas then to ask For a rifle of Manton or Purpay ; No Bassas as yet Was made to fret By the notes of a hurdy-gurdy. Where herds now browse Were then no cows Or horses, that now and then kick us; None dug up bones, Or labell’d stones, Or had heard of a Hortus Siceus. No cabs were known; No widow’d crone Gave bs ae with a stunning supper ; No beer was fined ; No trunks were lined With the works of a Martin Turrer. .

Unconscious Retort. Scene :—An Anglo-Franco-Restaurant in the neighbourhood of Leicester Square.

French Lady (calling). “ Garcon!” English Lady (érying to speak pure French, but with very indifferent

age Gasson English Waster (innocently). n, Ma’am? Oh yes, it’s on to the full, ldermen derment of all mations. | Ma’ am, (Genera bows

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are. erent full, ions. Aprit 16, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 155 ~ — pRIRCS pi | | THE LOWEST DEPTH. Inebriated Snob (to party with paper P—P—Poses Piastiques? Way, Hat1o! DID YOU COME TO THIS?” Jim. “ WELtL—ALL alone 0’ THEM Nicut Pusiics. AND HERE I am—aNn ‘ ILLv- MINATED ADVERTISEMENT !’” lamp). “ WuHIck Is THE WAY—TO—TO—THE | Is THat you, Jim? How THE DOOCE | OLD HARRY TO JOHN BULL. AyorueEr surplus? Hullo, you! Again some millions of taxation ? Oh! come, I say, Joun, this won’t do. You want a new Administration. You ’re getting on a deal too fast ; All this prosperity can’t last, Unless you aes yee cards in time, To dodge the shifting odds of chance. With men arrived at Fortune’s prime 7. Lag $e argh you advance. is e tide’s at ufning -point, no doubt ; | So, now then, turn those fellows out. See, there ’s'the Old World and the New, Both all a-blaze with roaring war ; And, in the meanwhile, where are you ? Why here, aloof, at peace, m are! Because your Ministers delay The struggle that must come some day. Long since you should have joined the game ; And, had 7 battle’s flag unfurled, You ’d stand; which now you don’t—for shame ! This day alone, against the world. E You ought to be at war, and were, | For honour did your rulers care. Why, Portsmouth should, by this time, shelled ith rifled cannon, be on fire, The heights of Portsdown being held By Volunteers ; my own desire Did they who govern you fulfil As those that should sueceed them will. By glorious death your t youth Ere now should — ee Fora And glory’s price to pay, forsooth, At ten ai cent. your incomes And likewise every other tax Doubly redoubled on your backs. War must befall you, soon or late ; Trust not a Power I need not name, Believe in me ;. believe in Fate ; No matter which—they ’re both the same. Cashier your PatmERston, you fool! Let Dexsy and Disraztt rule. A TRAP TO CATCH A PICKPOCKET. An interesting invention, which cannot be too soon introduced into this country, is announ with a delightful account of its mode of action, by the Lombardia of Milan, which says :— “ A young man with his arm caught in an iron trap, has just been 1 : ry A person po pe Hay ary heer gry catch. pick pockets, which rage be placed im a coat-pocket, and is so constructed as as to ‘ight hand of the oA a tant LL ge being ms a were 4 which those fingered gen’ are thought to uent, and remarking near him an individual of a rather , took from one of his pockets a handsome silver snuff-box, at a simple air: then leisurely a the same time pinch from it, he placed it into a ket ded with the trap. Presently the M. is hand into the pocket, seized hold of stranger VaRIsco, the bait, in another second by his cries that he was securely caught.” “ And such an instrument I was to use,” says Jonzs, “ when I went to the Opera, and the Derby, and the Zoological Gardens, and to hear Srurczon, and to Punch’s Office at the hour of publication. Only worse luck, it had not been invented.” Well; now it has, and will shortly, no doubt, be on sale at all Smeg. To be sure the para- graph announcing its invention, headed “ The Pickrocket’s Trap,” appeared on the first instant, but then it was quoted by more than one paper on the same day. Let us, then, hopefully believe that the trap to catch a enn FY 7. ‘ Might it not called he ame! Dodger really a very pretty toy for young fellows who are hard up for fan to amuse themselves withal Gor anywhere in quest of game of that sort which is called a lark, they will at least do well to put one of these sm mtg in-each of their pockets. The capture of a thief by means of it would be a capital joke in the first place, and would soon become a common occurrence; the frequency of detection would then discourage, and ultimately stop the pickpocket’s pursuits. The wearer of the trap, we of course presume, is furnished with a key to it in order to unlock it when, during a fit of absence, feeling in his pocket, he gets caught in his own gin; but he might be in an awkward fix if he forgot himself so far as to put both hands in-his pockets, with a trap in either. Self-preservation ‘also demands that the jaws of the pickpocket-trap should not be armed with sharp teeth, which would sometimes accidentally bite the wearer’s own fingers. A GHOST-DOG. Ar a late meeting of the Anthropological Society, according to a report of its proceedings, papers were read by the Rev. F. W. Farrar, one of them on the alleged universal belief in a deity and a future state. In the course of this paper the rev. lecturer told a good story :— The belief in the existence of some unknown power was not sufficient, Mr. Farrar observed, to prove belief in a Supreme Being, for even animals have a consciousness of the existence of some superior unseen power ; and he mentioned the case of a dog that refused to enter a wood that was avoided by the inhabitants in the neighbourhood, b it was reputed to be haunted.” Here is a case for the Spiritual Magazine, if it is only authentic. The name and address of the canine prodigy referred to in the foregoing anecdote are desirable. This must be a dog of the same breed with the one in Pickwick that pulled up at the caution-board in the plantation, notifying that all dogs bars would be shot. In all ghost-stories wherein a dog is concerned the dog always slinks under the table, or behind the spectators, with his tail between his legs. Almost any do may be te ed with a suitable combination of long pole, sheet, an turnip-lantern. But a dog’s avoidance of a wood reputed to be haun is something more than mere fright at an object which the creature does not understand. It argues spiritual perception if the spot was really haunted, and, if not, at any rate camepeneneion of the talk amongst the people in the neighbourhood. So, then, this dog must have been one if not supernaturally ious, at least uncommonly clever ; must have either had a good nose for ghosts, or a wonderful ear for conversation. VOL, XLVI. R

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156 PUNCH, OR ‘THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Apri 16, 1864,

PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. PRit 4¢h, Monday. Lonp Paraeer- sTON is a very cruel man. You may think that he isn’t, bub he is. The Onpostion had been spend. ust — Easter nalioes 3 in get- speeches on the nes a sing nothing: that thes nothing co a “there beloved (es ar), Emperor or France (le ess and on the necessit ang | hen out a Government t " inel a gentleman who knew ame gentleman who was _- by the oy A op ae some about a plot agains the Empgror. There was to have a tremendous storm. Mr. Stansre.p, the first item in the above series, "resolved to with. draw from office. Lorp PAatmer- ston, who had prevented his do- the whole business = kt e over, — the O ery had been defied , now STANSFELD a right to do as he in geet That gen- tleman resigned, and to-night, having a free tongue, and speak, ing as an inde’ ndent Member, he onee mae - way fully, ex. fone and though he cquld add no a to the conviction “held by Mr. Punch and Society that Mr. Sransrenp done nothing to be ashamed of, he almost mate the Opposition ashamed of themselves, Indeed we may say fw for as nee i. they found Ls pry ae mated, and all their oarded th they benches as empty as the wep of ‘the usual Bond — ther have driven a valuable public servant away from useful work, and that of course is a comfort. The Duxe or Newoast1z retires because-he is ill. Mr. CARDWELL | succeeds a. as Colonial Secretary, because——we do not exactly know | wh: Lorp CiarEenpon becomes Chancellor of the Duchy of Corn- wall be a aus ob ape a , and so oe “ry or = anybody can give a r reaso aaapeus it us or no jest as he pleases, and we don’t care whisk be does Tuesday. Lonp Russe. has been informing” the Sewstein Minister that we will not allow enlistments of Quees's Fe . “ — soldiers, and Mr. Apams says that any officer = ——~ be dis- missed. But the Irish idiots who‘are kidnapped ly

that they become accomplices in the crime t ~7 as the find out when, instead of getting work and an pay, they are hurrie off to die in the mud of Virginia. The Lisburn election {not not Lisbon, Mr. Cox. What makes you think that the capital of Portugal sends Members to the English Par-| liament ?) cannot be inquired into yy one cA the Committee is ill; and all the wisdom of f the Legislature ~~ to devising a scheme | for enabling the he avesiain 0 6 to go on. course, to appoint a new | man, and to to read the past evidence and bring himself up flush wit "his rt Ann Sod would be im inconceivable, unprecedented—and practical. ALDERMAN SALoMons wants to rate property in the occupation of Government, but the House, by 52 to 30, decided that he must be con- tent with rating Government itself. Wednesday. A bill for improving the Royal Court of Jersey—very properly described by Mr. Haprretp as “a barbarous and absurd ourt ’—was read a Second. Time, with Sm G. , GRey’s approval, but he wishes to hear what “the States of Jersey” have to say about it. Governments are much too tender om! Oe antiquated peppdices | and jobbing interests of these ridiculous islan mn would think we were afraid of their revolting, whereas ae > Yacht Club could keep all * islands in the most perfect order without troubling Her Majesty’s ips. Thursday. The Budget Night, and Mr. Giapstone in full force. Punch had thought of giving the right honourable CHANCELLOR’s address at full length, as it —— only ten columns of the morning pers, but on pad whole he pre ers to state its contents with brevity. wo large cats and a respectable kitten were let out of the Cat No. 1 was a great reduction of the Sugar duties. The sum which Mr. Grapstonz takes off will amount to One Million, three possible, unconstitutional,

hundred and thirty thousand golden sovereigns in a year, Materfamilias, | and it will be aunsing to you to hear the new set of fictions by which your nqpoene wil prove to you that you ought to have no benefit from uction. Cat No. 2 was the ekg ete One sempten the Income-Tax, which is now to be Sixpence on was of course due to the frightful menaces which Mr. nie uttered upon all anmnsions poe the:iniquitously levied tax came under his cr an emt ks to another reduction next year, » Bich pat foe advises him to keep his earnest eyes in that direc Kitten \was a reduction of shameful vena m Fire Insurances. Half of the three shillings now levied is to be mn off i insurances on Stock in Trade only. We hope to see this kin guess minalre cat onthe pent re om bt a gaoyle eee not to be fined for trying to save speech was ~~ h ~ on, I be toh singularly im- — — where.an elevated tone could be adopted, you may be sure GLaDstONE wT nl the aceasion, His a le picture of the com- mereial England combined the accuracy of a photogra) . with ha csleee 2, eocoaring < of a Turner. People a arithmetic, as mock-modest from figures of may nevertheless like» A ~~ ~4 the speech. @year of average prosperity. Estimates do not inerease, as is’ supposed, but in amount. is Two Millions, and £352,000; Debt has decreased to Seven Eiundred and Ninety-One whieh we pay about Twenty-Six Millions a year, and rather ig the champion of Peace and Justiee throughout the world, in fact the Friend of Humanity. bering that, it is instructive to note thes Mr. Guapszoye is to say that th the taste for ardent spirita is decreasing here, en ee ee ete British aving beam put through hia: usual of alarm” about the baccy trade, nese makes more haccy The narainal corn duty—one bob Siete) is tah dione. hich is not a Welsh week nfs é bub means a The duty on ag Ha — is ae Horses, which the Duxe or Sz, scoala ato ior, may like to know if he rides. Mr. Darsy Gairritus was actually mentioned, with applause, by the Great Guapstong, for a sensible little pb mpocve about proxy duties, and will henceforth be immortal, like a “ Jaggery ” is the lowest form of s eae ste in the Hast Indies. , “ Dateh Numbers” is the unive language for construing sugar uties The Malt Tax is not to be taken off, and if you were to take off half, it would have to come on again, “and you may tell your children so.’ The fine barley grower has No Grievance. We are bound, in spite -% our am ape to study Economy. Nine hundred and fifty-four people out of every thousand are self- | supporting. ut there exists great distress. We have 840,000 Our Surplus, after all the roposed reductions, will b be Two Hundred and Thirty-Eight Thousand Bound ds. Having thus set up diners-out with material which will enable them to chatter in the most profound manner, Mr. Punch begs to congratu- | late !Mr. GLADSTONE on. a magnificent intellectual effort, the value of which will not be decreased by the allegation made by Mzspames GaMr and Hanrnis to the effect that the Ministers come in disguise to consult Mr. Punch, and to receive his prompting. The loud cheers of the House of Commons as the 1 orator sat down were nobly earned and did honour to him and to those whom he had instructed an delighted. When the House found its tongue, the utterances were not very remarkable, As in a theatre the eyes of men, When any well-graced actor leaves the stage, Are idly bent on him who enters next, Thinking his prattle to be tedious, Is a quotation which frequently occurs to Mr. Punch. He will only note that Mz. Crawrorp thought he could improve the sugar scheme ; that Mx. Hupsarp thought that more oug)lit to be done for the fire-i insurers ; that Mz. Wurrastpe thought some- thing ought to be done about Irish spirits; that Mz. Morreut thought the Malt | duty ought to come off, and said he should try to get it of: that Mr. Bentrycx thought the ‘duty ought to be re-imposed on pape that Mr. Matins (who usually cee to 4 erecting), was almost all satisfied with the Budget; and that M “thought beer.” Vigorous to the last, Mr. GLApsTonsE took all their points in 1 his target, and progress was reported, Friday. Lorn Patmerston assured the House that the interests of the people of Schleswig-Holstein would be very well taken care of at the Conference. Later, Mr. Dituwyn, indignant at the bombardment of Sénderborg, desired that our fleet toad be at once sent to help the

Page 175

ich om. ich en .D- rly es. on ive ut er oy S, f, ”» m of lt ie d a 4 ny) d it Aprit 16, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 157 Danes. Mr. Ossorye protested against Mx. Ditiwry’s lashing him-| work. Mr. Roserts, R.A., hitherto renowned for his cool interiors self into a rage with his own tail, like a lion, and then was smart upon | has at length bestowed some attention upon his exterior. A view—an the Cabinet, the Conference, and the Correspondence. | § “* Smart was his greeting, smarter Pam's reply ; "Tis well, but persifiage is all my eye.” The Premrer took the onpertenit of speaking severely of the Germans, and was reproved by eons for being “ aggravating,” Peacocke having ing nursery;poetry, and thinking— “ If I suffer such insolent aits to prevail, May Juno pluck out all the eyes in my tail.” The other incident of the night was a sin speech by Lorp Epwarp Howarp, the leader of the English Catholics, who, in reply to a fierce attack by Mx. Newpreate upon the Oratorians at Brompton, made some allusions to lost members of his own family, and their position in another world. It was i ible not to be touched with the simple devotional utterances of Lory Epwarp, but they were certainly “extra-Parliamentary.” Mr. Newpecats’s onslaught upon the Oratorians, and monastic institutions generall prompted by Mr. Atrrep Smeg, the medical man, who believes that a relative of his was victimised by priests, but who has certainly been less than considerate in the be ty which he has dragged the names of ladies into the controversy. division, Mz. NewprGare’s motion for a Committee of Inquiry found 80 supporters and 118 opponents, so the orator contra the Oratorians must put on more steam another a Let him ren | pes prize poem - Te celia vi Vaporis impulse,’ may attain the ¢ imi commemo! in 1844, “ Trinmphi Pompa apud Romanos.” PICTORIAL PROPHECIES. OW-a-Days it is the fa- for mem the — to utter their k sayings, known as “ tips, con great an small turf events of the racing season. the Art-world there be certain spying bands of touts—a tout suite—ahem !— who haunt the stu- dios of each R.A.— a formidable ar-ray of studios—ahem! again —and by a few pre- paratory intimations, whet the public ap- etite for the Art- anquet to be sub- mitted to their taste on the first Monday in May. There be starters a many, and favourites not a few. : end us a dozen stamps, and we’ll give you some startling information. No deception. Here’s a tip or two for you, gratis. Mark this child’s words, and, if ee rh, show your gratitude, and come again to the real shop for rophecy. The vastor to the Royal Academy will have the Assistant-Judge at the Middlesex Sessions, Mrz. Bopxrx, brought up before him for his (the visitor’s) judgment. A jury of his enlightened fellow-country- men will pronounce upon his merits. This likeness (you’ll say “ There he is!” deectiy you set eyes on it), which you will see, of course, by day, is, as you will also see, by Kyicut. That’s tip number one. ill this be in the first place among the portraits? Send us thirteen stamps, and you shall hear. Mr. Sant’s “Dick Whittington listening to what the London Bells said ;” not the first instance, by the way, of a lad being turned from his straight course by the Belles—is this the moral ?), whether of London or any other place. Fortunate will that gentleman be who, for a prize, draws what Sant paints. en, there’s a Boy in blue from the same stable—we mean studio. “The boy in yellow,” you will remember, “wins the day.” As to what place the blue boy (no relation to Gams- BOROUGH'S, which, as it happens, wasn’t blue at all) will occupy, why, send us fourteen stamps, and you’ll hear something to your advantage. The youngster bears the noble name of Racian, of whom all boys, blue coat or red coat, may be justly proud. : Tip the third. Send us twenty-four stamps—“ ¢vwo-bobs’ worth” in slang coinage—and we will attempt to give you an idea of one Ropers’ y, seemed to have been | that the modern schools of | larks such a view!—of Rome! Urbs Roma! Food for the eyes—a very feast of wrbs/ Ahem! for the third and last time. And then there is—~—Hold! enough! Sir Oracle has spoken. Concerning these few we have said our say; and as for the rest, Hang ’em '!—Farewell! I sign myself Davsieny. WICKED WORK AT DYBBOL. (To the Eprnon or Austria and the Kixc or Prussia.) Sweet Sovereiens, Wueruer or no you dare let your subjects see the Zimes } newspaper, of course you take good care to read it regularly —: mis’ an Doubtless, you were amused by the account of your cut-t incendiaries’ doings at Dybbél, given by the ial correspondents of journal at the Danish head-quarters, those of your rascals respectively. articularly delightful to your Royal and Imperial minds must have been the subjoined from the pen of the former of the writers above mentioned. see the attack of your Majesties’ brigands upon Dybbél’s brave defenders, he had got upon a hill called the Castle ttery, out of harm’s way, as you afe, only he made himself neces- sarily safe, in order to do his duty in deseribing the horrors from which you the authors of them, keep your distance. And there, us, “had a ficent view of the Wemmingbund, and of the Dybbél heights, now fire all along the crest, like a marshy ground in a southern cli scorpions rather. “It was not more,” he says,” than half- three ;” when you two, doubtless, were snoring in your comfortable beds. “It was one of the loveliest mornings I ever saw here. The air was perfectly still, and the were soaring up into heaven with their sweet morning hymn. The moon was far down in the western horizon, with a morning seat in her suite which I think must have been M .” Not Mars, your jesties ; Mercury, you know, was the of thieves. Is not the star of that order due to old Von Wrance1 and his colleague Gastenz? “The stars,” continues the eye-witness of your wicked work, were all out. Behind us was the faintest possible streak of earliest dawn.” This was earth and sky as Heaven made them; now see what the other power, and its human agents, made of them :— “*The cannonade from the Danish bastion was terrific, the rattle of the shells and their bursting incessant; and, as an accom ent to the roaring music, the musketry fire swelled up in the air active and lively. Above the somewhat muffled grumbling of the common musket, we could easily discern the s ringing ping t ping !* of the Prussian ziindnadelgewehkr. The air was all alive with flashes of fire, as I said, and the smoke lingered pale and ghastly over the vast landscape ; the smoke in a thousand puffs from large and small fire-arms, the smoke also from a vast conflagration arising from the doomed houses of the unfortunate Dybbdl village.” We Britons, your Majesties, can fancy it Clapham, and bless you as much as if we did. A The narrator adds, for the further satisfaction of your Majesties :— **Tt was ‘a scene worth walking many hundred miles to see—a scene worth waiting for many a long day.” Yes ; but to my mind, it would have been better worth waiting for many a long day if the primary pyrotechnists of this grand em of fireworks had been roasting in their own conflagration. But the less said about a “conflagration” which bas been “ waited for many a long day,” the better, perhaps, in the presence of monarchs who, if they believe, should tremble. ‘ ; Let me, your Majesties, quote you another pretty bit, to divert your most gracious Majesties :— **On my way to the Dybbél Windmill both times I had to pass several carts con- veying the Danish wounded. Some came on stretchers, borne on the shoulders of stout ambulance men. They were, for the most part, bleeding at the head, having been struck behind the parapets of the bastions. Not a few were lifeless, and I saw a mangled mass of raw flesh and blood, which, had I not been told, I could hardly believe to have been a man.” It is a pity that there was not on the spot a skilful artist to peat a picture, from death, of this “ mangled mass of raw flesh and blood,” the image of your Majesties’ Maker, marred by your Majesties’ slaves. Such a work of Art, German Art, would be a prize for which it would be by no means derogatory to the dignity of your Majesties to compete by lot. It could not be given to the worthier of you, for of you two worthies there is no possibility of determining which is the worthier of such a testimonial. Nobody can say that one of you is more deeply stained than the other by the dastardly bloodguiltiness of a tyrant who carries sword and fire into his neighbour’s territory in order to avert from his own head the consequences of his misgoverned subjects’ dis- affection. Your Majesties cannot conceive the disgust and detestation with which your outrage on Denmark is regarded by Joun Butt. alive with swarms of fire-flies,’ Prussian locusts | —_ = * May it please your Majesties, Mrs. Gronpy says, “I'd ping! ping! you, if I | had my will.” I wouldn't. That is not how we deal with those whose hands are of your Majesties’ colour. We do not ping! ping! them. meee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprit 16, 1864, NS SS = os = THE IDLE GOSSIPS AGAIN! SENSATION TABLEAU, REPRESENTING THAT “ BacE CREECHER,” P-LM-RST-N AND A MINION FROM THE EXCHEQUER, GOING TO BRIBE THE “Hosus Puncs.” (For fresh particulars, vide St-nd-rd or H-r-ld.) TO MR. GLADSTONE, AFTER HIS BUDGET SPEECH. Porent performer! Bionprn of debate! Who, on thy high rope of yarns oratorical, Treadest a path to turn a common pate, | With firm-set foot, and clear brain categorical, Keeping thy balance, to mankind’s amaze, And ever and anon cracking a joke, As eggs to make his omelette BLonprn broke, Dropping on heads upturned in breathless gaze The empty shells, as thou the well-turned phrase. But where 4e bore, across his dangerous track One ones party, blinded, ina sack, Thou, all across thy figures’ long-stretched line, A whole attentive Commons House dost bear— There being, we know, a¢ /eas¢ two parties there— As blind, if not as brave, so T opine, As he whom BLonpINn pick-a-back’d mid-air ! Bionpin rg but with knives and balls, Thou tossest, calmly, millions to and fro, Bidd’st exports, imports, rev’nue-rises, falls, In mazy ring round thy calm forehead flow, While dazzled, doubting, awed, astonished, all Listen and look, and hold their breath, and say “Can this goon? This sum will surely fall, That total drop.” But no—he holds his way, His balance kept secure, through all that figure-play ! As Buonp1n knew to thrill the crowd intent, , Skilful on nerves or cord his art to ply, Now tottering, now stumbling as he went, Till hearts ceased beating, as his fall seemed nigh ; So, now and then, wilt thou a pause essay, A seeming hesitance, a doubtful air, And Cectt pricks his ears, and Dizzy’s clay Warms with slow life, and his eye ’gins to glare, But soon the feint is played, and high in air The proud head shows serene, the firm step holds its way ! Mysterious mind—whose power no task encumbers ! To grasp our many-millioned debt is thine, Or with melado, jaggery and Dutch numbers, And other nice distinctions saccharine, To play, like one bred in the grocery line ! What task above, what task below thy power? , I own a brother, and with bended hunch Vow, as I hail thee joint Lord of the hour, *T would be Giapstong, if I were not Punch.” WORSE THAN WELSH. No person who reads Punch ever gets tipsy. But possibly some persons of strong imagination may be able to form an idea of what tipsiness is like. ‘To aid them in so desirable a discovery, Mr. Punch would say that he never in his life had any doubt whether he was sober or the other thing until the following passage, in a Scotch advertisement, o under his bewildered eyes. A gentleman proposes to sell, inter alia,— ** The Estate of Auchendrean and Meall Dhu, also in the parish of Lochbroom, comprehending the Lands of Carn-Breacmeanach, Carn-Breacheg, Corrybuie Firv rogie, Teangancuisachan, and Lubnachulaig.” We are far from clear that any man has a right to print such aggre- ations of letters, for to call such things words is to insult literature. f we buy the estate, which we have some idea of doing, we shall insist on having it, like Bottom, “ translated.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Apnit 16, 1864. mm i a ¥ net -7_ LLL ke hind dhe Ld wear te ro) a dd ddéd- 7277 eet a Maes OP aa 2 ee iZ A he ZLULLLE A — OS MS TIAA > >> Wd) Le de SN 5 (Z// tz 22227 FALL TEED LLLLLLLEZ — wT od AZ12/ Z Li a ae VAG PP aa ATO TP- LZ LE aT ae, V4 GOODY GLADSTONE’S GIFTS. (Zo the Agricultural Party). “YOU ’VE GOT YOUR ‘SUGAR, AND YOUR ‘FIRE MEDAL,’ AND THERE’S PENNY’ FOR YOU; AND IF YOU’RE A CIVIL BOY, PERHAPS, SOME OF THESE DAYS, WE’LL 7HINK ABOUT THE ‘MALT’” e'

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Apri 16, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 161 can't think what came over ’s nothing to laugh u know; so she sot u know, my do you ?), I was just a little losing my temper. I told Cuariey when he came in; and, would you ni s fore-legs ! ear Punch, what can he burst out laughing too, and ames Why, you stupid little d , a mutton ain’t got id, calling me such hard Puncn, or rather my Now, my dear, dear old (you said you didn’t mind my can | calling you old), wise, clever Punch, do tell me what it be the meaning of this ? | all means; because CHARLEY won’t, and I don’t like to ask You know, when that| the cook after giving her an order. le Z little event came off Ez haste. believ . ‘ - y which made me the hap- good Pak ; agi resi — a piest 1 aan, of Ever your loving, course, CHARLEY the} The Limpets, Lovesacre, April 1864. Loum. happiest man—you ad- . pit eg Z~ vised, in that dear kind ee ——— Zs vay og ae Ze r the servants, an Sea eer eral ur advice, an new oO es e ted my very best. for several years witerly detimontal to seatic cae cook ’s a stupid old | literature and to ical art) produced the natural == woman, but I have done | effect, There is no without a remedy. Lovers Be ore charming lito dm: | pwhare mecled ates Reset) ee! cma havec e din- ‘ a is: n- } ners in consequence. | tations to the comets and to authori- not like ‘were the legs/ from London, so as to so big. So yesterday, changed. The managers FE of mutton ; they looked | Playin towns where the gs. when I went down. Margate, and many stairs, I told the cook | into the scheme ; eB ay | that I wouldn’t have| the. prices very low any more of those legs see & play now and in future, but would! be telegraphed The only things I did| ties, and the result is that i have fore ones instead. | the moment. the. visitors, ting when said this, I , only | will be equally well ; but a let panes ma. in town earlier ua and I came =e bill. The remedy was A (you don’t mind my ling you old, don’t know what at, tho lieve it ? | improvement. classes were not to be allowed to Tose all Gheir mie ints the pashogs of | theatre, and the actors to lose all their been snubbed) ALK R TRAVELLERS. (Then suddenly inspired). You.’re both of t FO RS This, you see, is but a multiplication of the old conventionalism. Berore coming to other methods of Street Duologues, I will de-| C. (unwillingly lugged into the conversation). Yes—I *m—a—(Rehieves combination of three in the | himself from further embarrassment by ing & curiosi dashing young lady on horseback.) Who's that, do you kno A, Mx. Awrzopr, accidentally fall! This is addressed to B., who * ought Ma. doesn’t.” A. can’t even lay claim to acquaintance with the features hasn’t got the smallest idea.” vote a few lines to the A. to himself, “‘here’s Boosrrry and Coozrrrr.” Straightway he A. is thus s A., isn’t it? “ t ‘ ay to 6. engagement he He loo to Sha nett, be laoks to the lef, vit cro’ EES Sees me Coe with hi and very cowardice Trresolutely smili 3 i consciousness of his head so well in (if I may be allowed) as to be ready to return | ling as to the a mugeeest acknowledgment on their part. not in TY. “? They ’ve me,” he reasons I impels him onward towards his fate. | For some time. A. (conscious of bani or more parties will be overpowered by | tésef), You’re in Town now ? than encounter the united enypore gon are, too ? of the fair creature,"and owns that “ he’ B. (to whose mind, after looking at.A. for a few seconds, an idea presents Oh !— looking very well. a iw to know,” he says, “but @ min A. (dubiously, as if ao wan't), Ye-es, (Wishing to interest B.) I (decisively, as. if Town couldn't get on without him). Qh yes, yes. his weakness, and, with _ Up to Oe net the dialogue has not been so prtunajunally spark- A., oppressed by the fact that he is “ Do either of you—” Note how c naginat or displayof emotion, which | either of you remember—er—( “ 1 is.” ude the necessity of introducing some enli topic. the thind the one ‘ie trop, himself up, B. or to C,, interrogatively, | makes a last effort to be brilliant ,befo i is onward Semen quite sure as to. the extent of the latter’s intimacy with A.,| He remembers a common friend, and me, what ts the fellow’s name? You know, From the moment that they are aware of your proximity, a sudden| You’d know the name if I mentioned it, re with an anxiety, asks he tackles them both, “ Do aif of great orgets all about i¢)—er—dear , he used to—um—Lor’ !|— t falls upon their conversation. It is sustained, if at all. with diffi.-| C. looks at Bi nt and B. (without the wast senete notion of A few steps and A. meets B. and C. face to face. -| whom either A. or himse, Ow comes a puzzler; with which of the two is A. first to shake hands? He avoids the difficulty by offering this manual greeting to is talking). Do ayo mean qi ‘ A. (who doesn’t know what he means). No, not £. Tt began with—— Here occurs an incident requiring, on - part of A., the utmost neither. This negative commencement produces an air of constraint, coolness, polite tact and presence of mind, or, while he is yet speaking, and all three are obviously em . _A. tries to notice impartially | a couple of gentlemen, one of whom is a friend of his, saunter past. both B. and C. at a glance ; mae Heche genase with a sense | If A. turns to speak to him, it must as if he wished to cut B. of utter failure in the attainment of his object, In opening sentence | and ©. If he only nods to F, en paseand may possibly feel himself Meee eee exe are pul std ling ult no nae of he nearly wil bo fro A, . #0 C. ou ’ ere are you | conclude that B. intends a rate insult; and 8 lly P Eh? to a nervous man, becomes very difficult of solution. The a. te is, £, (0 eflend mame). O is a false step, bordering, in fact, upon an impertinence ; as such Lown, of a complex nature, and it may be prepared. In order, therefore woes nowhere. subject, and cut the knot — b so Boosrrry feels, for he immediately position to my readers’ careful study, ly but exceptional. Yet must one to grasp this stupendous elicately, I will commend the them to send me their adds % at least nowhere particular,” which is as much as to say, | ideas as to how ¢hey personally about eat and it shall be my task to Wherever it is we don’t want your company, my hearty.” point out to them, should not their own TY, whose right arm is supported by | my services unnecessary, the only proper method of gracefully extri- interested in the passers-by, equestrian | cating, yourself from thie perlexing Pian mde Boosrrrv’s left, becomes coon currustrian estrian, apparently pays no sort of attention to| as heretofore, alphabetic whereby A. is to be eliminated. ingenuity or experience render ent; giving you, to speak, , and in some sort, algebraically, process

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Arr 16, 1864, MT hy | it ee / ry} it st wy |\ A TRIFLE FROM AMERICA. Miss LAJEUNE, HAVING JOINED THE “ AccLIMATISATION SocIETY,” RECEIVES A REMARKABLY FINE SPECIMEN OF THE “ Bison.” “TIMEO DANAOS.” WE have it on the au- thority of the Aligemeine Zeitung, who received it from a correspondent at Flemsburgh :— “ Nothing is to be heard everywhere, even from the women, but curses and im- precations on the ‘scoundrels and thieves’ of Germans, and the whole of the people are in a frightful state of excite- ment. The men are letting their beards grow, and swear that they will never shave until the Germans are driven to the other side of the Elbe.” WS : This is.one way of bearding the enemy. We hope, however, the Danes are reserving their razors for a good patriotic pur- pose—and that is when they seize hold of these rascally invading Ger- man Herrs, they will not allow one of them to escape without a very close shave. If they once get the Prussians on the Elbe, we know they will prove them- selves to first-rate Danish cutters. How to Stor THE Inish Exopus. — Vote several millions of money to encourage it. REPORT OF A MEETING OF THE AMATEUR CELIBACY SOCIETY, JUNIOR BRANCH. (Kindly supplied by the Secretary.) Txe minutes of the last masting. hariog been read and confirmed, the Vice-President, in presenting Report for his term of office, congratulated honourable Members upon the flourishing state of the Society. During the _ six months the Society been instru- mental in qprenting msion and discord in no less than five parishes, (Cheering.) One parish in particular, where the clergyman used to preach in a gown and read the service, the members of the congregation all joming in the responses from their respective ah (groans), while the choir, led by a blacksmith, he presumed a armonious blacksmith (great laughter) on the violin, with flute ac- companiment, sang the ditties of Tare and Brapy, had, under the auspices of the Society, been so reformed, that the clergyman now invariably intoned the service (a small choir of boys in surplices ably doing the responses to Tatts in D), p ed in an alb, thought of procuring “ beautiful vestments” (dear, Aear), and had su ed in replacing Tare and Brapy by plain-song hymns sung by an efficient and highly-trained motett choir, open seats having, of course, been substituted for pews. (Prolonged cheering.) There was one little draw- back he had omitted to mention, which was, that the congregation had all left the church and gone over to the dissenting chapel, which had been lately enlarged. Honourable Members would, however, join with him in rejoicing, that, by the efforts of the Society, the service in this sh was now performed in so correct a manner as to satisfy the most rigid and most zealous Anglican. (Thunders of applause.) Tn conclusion, he be to to them the following extract from a letter received from a member of this Society, who now held a curacy in a small country parish :— “We are on well, but the people are slow in taking up new ideas, They ob to the bags I have eeaeeat ana much — 5 the old metal- 'y rector is nearly imbecile, so I have it all my own way, and wore a small red cross sewn inside the neck-band of my last Sunday. (Great cheering, and a voice “plucky fellow!”) All the young ladies at a Pe rere | boarding-school are busily em working me cushions and altar-cloths o! ay a Tee aS cause. , ; ‘ tion of the dole, I have a the sequin attendance at ma of five old men and as many aged women. (Cheers.) They are not = up to bowing so often or so low as I could wish. I have spoken to them on the subject, and they assure me their backs are stiff with ‘the rheumatics’ (laughter); so I must try the effect of increasing their allowance. I am pi i cs myself, and can already perform the service with much greater bodily ease and mental satisfaction than before. The Society will be glad to learn that lam gradually becoming bald on the top of my head.” (Loud applause.) It having been moved and carried unanimously “ That this report be adopted,” Mr. Ginpert ALBAN proposed, and Mr, Turopostus CHap seconded, “ That Messrs. SorrsawDER AND Sons be commissioned to supply the Members of the Society with vestments for their approaching commemoration.” To prove their fitness for the task, he (Mx. GILBERT ALBAN) would read to the meeting the following advertisements which he had received from them in answer to some inquiries he had made :— REPOSITORY OF ECCLESIASTICAL ART. Messrs. SorrsawDER AND Sons, Man-Milliners, &c., beg respectfully to inform Clergymen of the Anglican Church that theirs is the best house in the trade for Ecclesiastical Vestments of all kinds, which they provide in the newest fashion and of the most correct cut. In addition to the usual robes indispensable to an Anglican Clergyman, Messrs. S. anv 8. beg to recommend to the notice of their clerical customers, the following vestments, ecclesiastical and secular, tastefully designed by an experienced medieval decorator, after the most correct models of early Catholic times. THE SURPLICE-ALB. This chaste Vestment is unique of its kind, and combines with the eful folds of the surplice the elegant ¢ournure of the alb. It has en designed seeety to meet the requirements of gentlemen who, compelled by unavoidable circumstances to abstain from wearing the “ beautiful vestments” ordered by the Rubric, feel a conscientious objection to that ordinary garb which, worn alike by Low Church and High Church, causes no visible distinction between the Catholic-minded Anglican Priest, and the Protestant Minister of the Gospel. (Groans) Messrs. 8. anv 8. have solved this truly distressing Ath ty. The SuRPLICE-ALB can be worn in the midst*of a congregation sunk in the deepest depths of ultra-protestantism without detection, as by the unini- ated it cannot be distinguished from an ordinary surplice. (Cheers.) The high-minded Catholic divine can thus satisfy the scruples of his own conscience without exciting any of that party ostility which, though truly gratifying to the amiable Anglican bigot, is but too often followed “4 @ecece sa Gm EF O RP Ee Peto ma bs aewecte Hee eo oe oe He eo oo {

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Aram 16, 1864] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. 163 by unmerited suspension at the hands of mistaken prelates, entailing not unfrequently serious pecuniary loss. (Sensation and groans.) SAINT BARTHOLOMEW’S DALMATIC. This gorgeous Vestment is well worth the attention of those zealous Anglo-Catholics, who, regardless of consequences, are desirous 0} spreading true Church principles by the alluring aid of brilliant colours and glittering tinsel. Mussrs. 8. anp S. assure their customers that this striking garment has never been worn in an English Church without omaint dissension, and exciting passions of a most frightful kind. ear, 8. B.’s Dalmatic can be had in all colours, but Messrs, 8. ann S. would respectfully intimate that the i or blood-red is at the present time the most fashionable as well as the most becoming colour. N.B. This really first-rate article is strongly recommended by Brother Ienatius and other well-known Churchmen. OBSERVE! Gorgeous Robes, equal to new, lent out on hire for extraordinary ceremonials, Hair Shirts (lined with the finest flannel) in all sizes (dear, hear). neste seied ate Media i, Kias-me-Quick, and scented a r c other fasblonalile perfumes, always in | ing of these advertisements was followed by loud and pro- 0 g. The honourable gentleman then, in urging M to vote for hi on said, that — read the advertisem e thought * mon cessary to add any words of his own, and the ¢ put the motion, whieh after a short but animated discussion as to the respective merits of iolet and sky-blue silk for waistcoats, was earried by a large majority. This ending the business of the Society, the President Eesclved the meeting. WHO WILL SAY A WORD FOR THEM? My pgar Pounce Tue other day you let me in your columns ask a question which, I dare say, slightly shocked some of your highly moral readers, but which perhaps you will allow meto repeat. Please let your printer put it in a whisper of the very smallest type :— “ What becomes, then, of our colum! are over fifty, or are weakened in their To this I see that a dramatic paper has returned for answer— “ The General Theatrical Fund admits all pantomimists, as well as performers once hg participate in the accorded to subscribers, and the Dramatic, st and Musical Sick Fund is available for all dancers in the hour of their our fairies and our sylphs, when they If this be really so, 'I am very glad to hear it: and the more le subscribe to these two dramatic funds, the better chance poor pallet. girls will have of being helped by them. But actors, pantomimists, musicians, singers, dancers, acrobats, and horse-riders, not to mention minor stage-folk, such as authors, prompters, carpenters, perruquiers, and scene-painters—all these together form a vastly numerous assembly, and among the many claims of a crowd so eous, the petition of a ballet-girl may chance to be mislaid, or her share of ,the funds raised may be too small to se nelp to her. So let these two funds flourish, and let a third be formed for the special use and succour of ick fairies and old syiphs and to relieve them from the thought that they are wholly helped by charity, let them be asked themselves to contribute to this fund, which then may be expanded out of charitable The man who will not help a woman in distress is unworthy of the name of Smit or Brown or Jonzs, or any nobler appellation. For women in distress, mind, are more helpless far than men: and many a lost name et have been saved by a few shillings. As ballet-girls get old their little salaries decrease, and they are nad the least just when through failing health, perhaps, the most is needful to them. It is with hard work that they earn their living in a playhouse, and they barel after all escape dying in a workhouse. Ever ready with their sm means as they are to help each other, charity in their case most assuredly begins at home : and as they minister so largely to the public entertainment; the public surely may be asked in time of need and illness to minister to theirs. So I would say to Brown or Jongs or any other friend of mine who a pound or two to spare and an ounce or so of charity,\“‘ Brown or Joxgs, my boy, don’t forget our actors! Negue tu choreas’ sperne, puer, which (excuse the of Latin) means, And don’t forget our ballet. girls! Save them from the snares which beset their path in youth, by giving them the hope of honest comfort in their age, and by your pre- sent to their fund make their future happier than it might be without i. In the hope that others abler may be found to carry out the good work I have hinted at, believe me, my dear Punch, that I am ready to subscribe myself (and my bankers know my signature), One wHo wit Pay. Dear Mr. Puncu,—I write to tell you that I am quite not only to “* sa: a word,” but also to act in behalf of the poor ballet-girls ; two ladies of my ac- quaintance (whose names I send in confidence, and who have had a long and active experience in good works) are quite prepared to = with me in 4 es you ean suggest for ly effecting the good end you have in view. jusband need not fear fhm a hints or black looks from me, were he to act in such a charity : but, I agree with you, some wives might object to see their sposos brought in contact with a ballet-girl, were she even over and half dying from sheer want. Being under a very great w to my dear Mr. Punch, for the pleasant laughs you give me, Teel ee if I in any good work you sug- gest, with all the influence, time and moneyewbien is at my command. Yours very sincerely, -—- ——. My pear Puxou,—This wail for ballet-ladies is u' a mistake. Most of them, i pot all, are working Tarious das or profeasions ‘with their relations, or by e themselves, d ; and money is really extra what they earn for their Wing fede of fact, there funds to the ballet-ladies, but we can wf thea to sul sori tpl pg is, * * * Your correspondent w do most good by scribing to Sick Fund. Yours ever, A Mawager. Dgap Puncu,—The Dramatic, Equestrian, and Musical Sick Pund especial! vides for ballet-ladies. eens, i ye them ten week ; RE a te Re , a m : whom they are sent. Once A omg in distress, and receive other advantages. There is algo the open to them, Daneers, which, I believe, is Yours faithfully, Ay Honorary Secretary. Goop Mr. Poxcua,—One of the dramatic says your pomaependont does not seem to be aware that the Equestrian usical k Fund is “available for dancers.” Well, as ballet-girls don’t sing or even dance on horseback, usually, the name of this same Fund would my lead one to imagine that they were ever helped by it. And are they? That’s the question. I see by Rule IV. it is stated that “ to be eligible must have been the last three years in the exer- cise of their profession, and deriving their entire live from it.” So ifa fairy sprains her ancle by coming up a trap in the third year of subscription, or if ‘a syiph, bung in mid-air in a grand transformation scene, breaks her arm or leg thereby, before her third year be com not one onny can soe Cea a8 Sey money she has ,to this same ie fund. ides, if it can be proved that, while su! i to the fund, she has ever earned & sixpence by her needle-work or other occupation off the stage, she wili be held to be ineligible to be aided by the Fund ; and as the ladies of the ballet, I believe, are searcely paid sufficient salaries to live upon, it is but natural to fancy they must seek elsewhere for work, which by Rule IV. must deprive them of assistance from the Fund they are invited to subscribe to. Yours truly, Mrs. Caxpour. Dear Poncu,—Although a clergyman, I own I now and then enjoy a visit to a theatre, when there is a good Saaety or comedy, aye, or even & farce to see and cry or laugh at. The Reverenp Sypyey Sirs has given us that nowhere is feeling to be more roused in favour of virtue ata rt np A that nowhere is goodness to be learned with more enthusiasm ; and with revered and reverend opinion on my side, I care little what small carpers may say about my fondness for theatrical excursions. So being a playgoer as well as a parson, I have read with interest your letters about ballet-girls, in whose trials and temptations I feel, as any Christian man must do, much —— and interest. But is it possible to help them while living as they do! Low ies are given on the pretext that the girls can look elsewhere for hire, and what their toes fail to earn they may bring in by their fingers. What this system tends to I need not pause to ask: but I simply would inquire, what scheme can well amend it? may tell me all their “‘ ladies ” are well paid, and one way or another have abundant means to live upon ; and — express a virtuous surprise that their ladies don’t subscribe to the two provident societies established for their benefit. But is it in the nature of a dancer to be provident? You don’t find the brains of sixty with the — of sixteen, and I should as soon expect a butterfly as a ballet-girl to be provident. No, Sir. Itis no use our trying to assist the ballet-girls; the best thing we can do for them would be to abolish them. The ballet isa wretched mindless exhibi- tion. It does no good to any, and it does much harm to many. Hundreds more would go to the playhouse than do now, were the ballet sweptaway with all its im- moralities. The managers would profit by the very step they now ‘ht fear would bring a loss to them : the girls would y elsewhere get a less us em- loyment: and a great scandal to Society would be happily remov So I say, own with the Ballet and when pantomime time comes let the part of Columbine, no matter how the children howl, be left out of the cast. I send my card in confidence, and will call Yours, Ciaricvus. I say, Punch, old boy, how about the ballet-girls? Have you hit on a good plan to help them when they wantit? ['m ready with my money when you can tell me where to sendit. Hang it all, you know we mustn't let bead to the bad if we can help it. Just conceive how dull and dismal the stage id look without th em. I enclose my real name(don’t let my wife see it, please,)and sign myself Yours, Larocus. *,* Mr. Punch inserts these letters as a sample of the correspondence which has reached him on this subject. It is seldom he intrudes a grave theme in his pages, which are intended chiefly to enliven and amuse. But the present is a subject which he believes must be of interest to all who have the interests of Womanity at heart. To them he would appeal on behalf of the poor ballet-girls for sympathy and succour, if sympathy and succour can by safficient evidence be shown to be deserved. For this cause he invites further letters on the sub- ject, and as the ballet-girls themselves are presumably the best acquainted with its details, perhaps they or their relations will supply him with some facts to show their own view of the case. A Rertection By AN ANGLER.—Nature’s Aristocracy. Mortal Man being but a worm, is therefore by nature of gentle birth. ee a

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Arai 16, 1864, RECOLLECTIONS OF THE REVIEW. Tue GROUND BEING VERY UNEVEN AND FULL oF HoLEs, THE “MancHING Past” oF oun CoMPANY WAS LESS “LIKE A WALI” THAN USUAL. ETIQUETTE. _ Tas Commencement of a brilliant Season! Balls, Parties, Recep- tions, Drawing-Rooms and Dining-Rooms! There is no rest for the dancers !, Sleep no more, my belles and beaux of Society. Very good. Quo tendimus? To this point, viz., that several Correspondents have written to us, anxiously imploring our assistance upon uncertain matters of ordinary etiquette. One who signs himse]f— _ Bounpiye Tommy, informs us, that, on Wednesday evening next, he is to appear, for the first time, at the Grand Ball given by the lovely Countess or KennincTon, By what rules shall his conduct be governed ? We will tell him anon. _Juax tHe Juicy complains that Society has arbitrarily trammelled him ‘with laws, which he can neither respect nor obey. He farther wishes to know what those laws are, and how he can best .comply with their requirements, when he dines, a month hence, with the Hon. Cony Crssarite P He shall be instructed: patience... _, These be specimens ; of other letters requesting small loans, and asking if we will lend out articles of dress and jewellery for the evening, we shall simply take no notice. BALL-ROOM*ETIQUESTE. Arrival.—On getting out of your vehicle bow to the crowd, if any. You never lose anything by 5 teness ; if therefore you omit this first ceremony, be not surprised should you find that your pickets have been pocketed—we mean a ost porate have been picked. On entering the give a false name, something long that will last from the bottom of the stairs to the top, and that ll take five servants to say it properly. Announce yourself, for instance, as Count PEPrERYDEWOLLACHEKOTOPOLINSOPILISKOTZKY., Get this well by heart and give it out calmly and quickly ; if you are undemonstrative in your manner, they will set you down for his all Serene Highness. Entering a Bail-room.—Be easy in your deportment. . Flourish your handkerchief; run your hand through your curled or uncurled hair; bow to the North, South, East and West ; pull your front lock of hair to the Mistress of the House, jocosely winking at -her the-while; then with the affability of a true gentleman, turn to the Lady nearest you, an at once enter into conversation.. Adopt, this formula :—“ You look recious hot? Been shaking the light fantastic, eh?” Here you can ick up your heels and cut a caper illustrative of the light. fantastic afore-mentioned. Continue thus :—“‘ That ’s thertime of day! Pretty time, isn’t?” » Hum whatever the band is playing. . “Do they, call your hair red or yellow? I never knew the difference? Ain’t yer well? You look seedy. Come down and have ‘some lush; a brew of bitter. Come on!” And without farther ceremony, take hold of her hand and lead her down-stairs to the refresliments. , Asking a Lady to Dance.—If you ’ve not been introduced, do not wait for this mere empty form, but go up to the Lady ‘and commence thus :— “T say, Whatsyourname, wi poe favour me with this waltz?» Don’t say yes, if you’d rather. not? Lots of others where you come from?” If she tells you she’s engaged ; say, “Oh Gammon! [know better than that,” and whisk her up off her seat beforeshe can call upon Jack Robin- son. ‘Women will admire your dashing style. The First Dance.—If-the dancing has ‘commenced ‘before you reach the Drawing-room, at once remonstrate with.the Master of the House, with whom you must now insist upon dancing a polka @ Ja SpurcEon. Sitting Out— When) you’ve nothing .else,to do, go out on a balcony and address the populace on any subject nearest your heart; say, your flatmel waistcoat. Finish by throwing the flower-pots, at the. linkman. Immediately upon this, return to the Ball-room and mix with the giddy crowd. Enough for the present. Hampstead Heath to the Rescue! Tae’ attention of the Metropolitan Members of Parliament is invited to the alarming fact, that there. has, now passed: through the House of Lords a Bil to, Amend the’ Settled Estates: Act, which, it is said, | will, if,,enacted, legalise the enclosure of: Hampstead Heath. The | representatives. of private interests are.at.their old. work once more, | trying to smuggle through the Legislature. the, long-designed, scheme for depriving the Londoners of. their playground.at Hampstead. De- fenders of our parks and pleasant places, behold the enemy unmasked! | Up, guards, and at them ! . thy $0,73 ' Printed by William Bradbury, of No. W hitefare, City of London, of London.—Sarunpar, April 16, 1864. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, ts the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans. of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precinct Printers, at their Orfice in Lo.nbard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, City of London, and Published vy them at No. 80 Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of

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a ited yuse aid, The ore, | eme De- | ced |. | Apri 23, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 165 & | ! Ze: jy wae “4 oe ne Ie Fe ZZ aug a MOLLE MEMES bin woe Za 27 seem a oa oa? RKZZz ! .— Ms Trotter (the Earl's Groom). “ Au! Tuat Ir BE, My LorD; Bur (th Jlattering compliment) 1T’s WERY EASY TO SEE IT WARN’T DONE BY My Lorp; I MEAN ONE 0’ THEM FELLOWS AS GETS THEIR LIVIN’ BY IT | “= RYN, A ny "Ty Noble Lord (who dabbles in the Arts). “‘Tatnk It’s LIKE MY FaTHER, TROTTER?” SONG OF THE PRUSSIAN SAVAGES. ScuiEswic-Hotstem, sea-infolded, Must become our Sovereign’s prize, Prussia being giant-moulded, Denmark far beneath her size, Overwhelming German legions Soon must crush the Danish band, So as to extend the regions Of our precious Fatherland. By our deeds of matchless daring We ’ve already won renown. With a valour that’s unsparing, Unforewarned we shelled a town. Danish homes our ordnance battered, Dashed out Danish women’s brains, Danish children’s bodies shattered, Smashed both great and little Danes. Prussia’s might not only slaughters, Undiscerning, Denmark’s sons, Torn and mangled Denmark’s daughters Fall beneath our Prussian guns ; All because our resolution Is the vanquished Danes to bless With our liberal Constitution, Our free speech and our free press. “i G- to our royal master ! -Wri14M reigns and governs too. Kings have met with disaster Through attempting so to do. But we are submissive cattle And enthusiastic slaves, — to spend our lives in battle, Glad to rot in foreign graves. Slight Confusion’ of Names. Sarah Gamp. Well, Jack, have you bin to see this revo- | lutioneering furrineer which his name is GRIMALDI? Jack, GARIBALDI you mean, Grandmother. inking of a@| Sarak Gamp. GARIBALDI, ah, drat it! GarrBatpi and a Anrtis’,|Grimaxpi, bother the names! and which they do sound - so much alike, I’m always a-sayin’ one for t’ other. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Aprit 11th, Monday. In a certain Hall in the City of Palaces,—when you direct a letter, it may be more convenient to the Post Office if you write Oxford—there is hospitably brought out, in ancient and classically inscribed silver, a precious liquid for the delectation of the visitor. It is called Proof. No more need be said to those whose lips have touched that goblet’s rim. To the uninitiate nothing could be said, even by the mighty master of language, Mr. Punch, D.C.L., that would convey an idea of the splendour of that tipple. Had he that silver in hand, he would —? it to the health of the Lorp Cuancettor. For to-night that Lord brought in a Bill touching the Greek Professorship in the City of Palaces. We all know how Mr. Jowerr has been treated, how the thinking, liberal, young, inquiring, grateful minds of Oxford wished to treat him, and how they were defeated by an invasion of frantic country parsons. But it is not to be borne that what Sypney SmiTH called Wild Curates should compel a great scholar to teach Greek to the University for a-year. Lorp Westsury has looked into his patronage, and finds that he has certain canonries at his disposal, and pec calculates that on the doctrine of chances one of them should vacant in about a year. He proposes, as an act of Justice and of Expediency, to attach a canonry to the Regius Professorship of Greek. He hopes that the Lords will pass the Bill for this purpose, and that Oxford will then endow the Professor with a sum equal to the Canonry income, until the vacancy occurs. Punch hopes so too, for the question Is not one of creed, but of common honesty. And, Lorp WeEstTBuRY if such a thing should happen as that prejudice should be otent, and the Bill fail, you can give the first vacant Canonry to Foeeuen Jowett, without asking paghesy's leave, and if you do, Mr. Punch will make a special journey to his beloved Oxford for the express purpose of emptying be aforesaid silver to your honour and glory and long life perity. a y Lords had a Danish debate. Lorp SrrarHEDEN moved that vernment ought to have been more vigorous in . 4 Den- e mark’s claim for a mediation on treaty principles. DvKE OF Arcyte defended the Cabinet. Earn Grey said that it had been timid and vacillating. Kant Russet was fully conscious of the power of England, but did not wish to hurry into war. Lorp Dersy called | him a Forcible Feeble, and charged him with a breach of pledge to Denmark. We subordinated our political and military position to our trading interests, and our bluster would have no effect on Europe. Lorp Wopernouvse denied that there had been any pledge, and Lorp GRANVILLE hoped good results from the Conference. So does Lorp |Puncu, but as Lorp Jonny was not altogether lucky at Vienna, it cannot be offensive to Lorp RussEt if the other nobleman hints, while Russett is being Dressed for the Fair, like Moses in the Vicar y Wakefield, that we shall be a good deal more surprised than delighted, if he brings us home a gross of green spectacles, or makes himself a Spectacle of Greenness. The motion, having answered the purpose of drawing the fire of my noble sportsmen, was withdrawn. : Mr. Horsman demanded whether Ministers would ask Parliament’s approbation of any Conference bargain before ratifying it. Lorn PaLMERSTON, with curious circumlocution, said that Ministers would ‘do all that was proper. Mr. Horsman was sure of that, but would they answer his question? Lorp Patmerston then explained that such an undertaking would be wrong, because a plenipotentiary’ was supposed to have already plenty of power to act. e inextinguishable Horsman then asked whether plenipotentiaries could exceed instruc- tions? Lorp Patmerston said that if they did, they went beyond their instructions, which proposition may, on the whole, be conceded. It is with regret that Mr. Punch announces that Mr. Guapstone has consented to refer his excellent Annuities Bill to a Select Committee; but it is to be hoped that the measure, invaluable to the poor man, will come out uninjured. Then we Supplied the Army till two in the morning. This was the day, to be remembered in every household for the next half-century, on which GaRIBALDI made his entry into London. Tuesday. A Bill for flogging certain scoundrel offenders against woman, was read a Second Time, and Lorp Grey took the opportunity of rebuking, in strong language, some of our Judges for their habit of inflicting ridiculously light sentences for brutal crimes. Mr. Punch VOL, XLVI. Ss

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166 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aram 23, 1864, has had to speak of this, and may do so again in a still plainer way. Offences property are always visited in England with tremen- dous severity; for instance, in the same newspaper which reports Lorp Grey, is the sentenee on a a , who, for stealing five- and-fourpence, have five years’ penal servisude, and a letter-carrier, for taking half-a-sovereign amd some. e, and the cireum- stances appear to justify the severity. in a condition needing all as earning for the savage but six. im prison. > months are given for am outrage too revolting to be detailed here. einciple which prompted these latter decisions actuates several of eur udges, who ought to know better, and if they will not listen te Lemp Grey, Mr. Punch may try the force of his own Representations, Another Town zy diseussion, and Home Secretary, admitted that the present system under whieh is. m the same journal mentioned | tences are revised was most objectionable, and he Cana we might murder. adopt the foreign plan of classifying the various 0 The Mini were defeated, | Ropert Cectt’s, for preventing Rn, Lows from allowing the | of Inspectors of Schools to be “ mutilated.” Mr. | business there. The di Wednesday. When Mr. Punck announced, | Kine wy teed a Bill for lowering erence may strike the. acute. the | It was rejected to-day, | vote against it, disturb the balance between trade and agriculture. oe: On an Irish Trespass Bill, Mz. Baten? thought that while Irishmen protection of game. kn. Wurreswe did not see the logic, as the object of the Bill was to relieve tenants from the h y say that no two human beings ever upon an Irish ques- tion, and at this moment we are 'y unaware whether the Salmon battle, whieh — a whole Session, gave the Salmons the right of voting, or disfranchised them for being Protestants. Thursday. Tn reference to the Flogging Bill which has been men- tioned, eo 4 peta id = ¥ they ae examined agree that co punishment is more deterren any, especially in the case pr can hte offenders. The more we can hunt the Cat out of the barracks and into the gaols the better. BURY took oceasion to observe that the I vere D those of the Medes and Persians. The Barong said somet. different, beginning with Vo/wmus, which Baron ¥, . an Earl, might have remembered, as he must have learned Latm at Oriel. Is he going to turn Radical ? . ; ¢ sti One Cuatmers accuses the Admiralty of having prigged his ideas about armour-plates. The First Lord was at some a to prove that though an iron-bound eg had a case, Cuanmers had none. “Shall not the Budget be postponed until we have discussed the Malt-Pax, which many of us think ought to come off before the Sugar- Duties?” Such was the question put to the House of Commons by CotoneL Bagtretot, and the entire night was taken up in debating | what the answer should be. Finally, it was decided by 347 to 99 that | the answer should be “ No,” although the Malt-Tax had been under ; discussion all those hours. GI apsTONE’s sugar, corn, tea and stamps resolutions were agreed to. , | Friday. Lorp Lucay thinks that soldiers ought to be enlisted for a much longer term than at present. The Secretary of War states that | the present system works exoondingly eil. Moreover, the change, which shortened the term, was approved by wae Victor of Waterloo. Where- fore, the well-intentioned Lucan may cease his quite superfluous cluckin’. Mr. Baxtgr would not take the place vacated by Mr. StansFE.p, and it has been given to Mz. Custpers, M.P. for Pontefract, and we | hope he will tear through work at the pace of his Flying namesake, the uadruped of fame. It was extorted from Mr. Cowrer, that the new Tieenm at Brompton, is to be large enough to hold the British Museum beasts, and the Watents. Likewise, that a. National Gallery is to be built in the Garden of Burlington House. mS ae Ma. Disea&1i started up in great alarm, having discovered that there Lorp MES- a hideous assault on a woman , and, next day, but two The the CHaNcELLOR, in defending the. 101 te 93, on a motion of Loam Lowr » Ti | they were not mutilated, but that he only cut out matter which had ne ago, that Mr. Loogm f county iranchise, the | Great Instructor added, “‘ the Bill will be rejected some time in April.” by 158 to 45. Lorp Patwerstow would not because he thought that there ought to be a change im} | the franchise, but he could not agree to lower it to £10, as that would| were flying their comers, new powers ought not to be given for the} ip of compelled by their landlords ‘to SS We need all the gaolers who have been} laws of England were not like — Debate whether the Irish are really virtuous, or whether Ow only | seem so because the Irish police cannot catch criminals, was ended by | Mn. Osporye’s declaring that whatever the people might be, Dublin | Castle was a sink of iniquity. After which, an slegof Mz. Caawrorp’s that the Custom-house officers cannot discern between good sugar and bad, was repudiated by the House by 133 to 1%, and the Budget, which been accepted by the nation, made ds its becoming law. Apropos whereof, a Bill i pan oy Concentrati ing law. ropos whereof, a is r rating the Law Courts, ON A LATE CATASTROPHE IN PALL-MALL. REND Mr, Pune Dis-eystise! Wich such is the exklima- shun that bust from my lips, when I see in PallMall, within a few dores of St. Jeames’s Pallis, the ige of the Doox oy SUTHERLAND, K.G., torn in peeces, . I may be aloud so rong an eggspres- sion, by the beestly meb, drored together to weleum GeNERAL wich ave reeson to heleeve he have no reglar Kommishun, honly a specie of gorilla hof- fiser, and ave not yet thort it mesesary to call on his hambassa- dor the marky da- zelio, wich I ave the honor to meet him frekwently in ’Ouses ; we visit, and quite ithe gentleman every hinch of him that I will say, and I am sure Mr. | Punch you will agree with me sich conduck fon this ere GARIBALLDIS | part do not say much-for his ’ead or his ’eart, nowing ow anxious the | hupper classes in this country is that he should do the korrect thing, ‘and not let hisself be made a toole of by the narsty demycrats and that | "ere Mazzint, wich what 4e is is well-be-known. Owever my hobjeck in at present rightin is not pollyticks, wich I thank my stars I am true- | blue pussonnally in my pollytikle prinsaples and hever was, and ’ave always lived in eye-tory famlies, mostly titled, and ope to continue in | that stashun to wich it aye pleased Providence to calf me. But I wish | to tell you what I see with my own ighs in Pell-Mell on Monday heven- | ing, and leeve you to drove your hown conelushuns *ow far sich doins is |or is not a tramplin hunderfoot of all that ig waluble in our soshial cistem. For my own part I ae hill of the man that gives an op- rtunity and I may say temptashun for sich things, but if Dooks will lorgit their stashun, and disend to low sociaty, they must take the consekwences. | Well, Six, I see on that day, in the very ’eart of the West Hend, |leastways the Parliamentary and Club quorter, about the beestliest, wust-dress’t, and I may say haltogether workin-classedest mob—wich [ | ope you will excuse such langwidge, but none huther will eggspress my | meenmg—as I ever see, and all for what ?—to welcome this ’ere Gart- | BALLDI, which seem best known as a rebel and a revolootionary leeder, | similar to those in the peny-papers. I will not bemene myself to speek | of the baners and bages, wich trash and trumpry, rags and rubbidge is the only words I can find for that part of the bisness. But lookin’ at them from a moral pint of vyew, wot could you kt from a mob | drored together by sich a motive? Eggsess and wilence, soshial sub- | vershun and savidge fearosity. Wich all the way along Pell-Mell I see | with my own ighs these bad passhuns rampant as I may say about the | karridge of the Doox or SuTHLAND, containing @anrBaLip1 and wh t is vediklously called his sweet, which I blushed for both the noble Dook, are Five Under-Seeretaries of State in the Commons, whereas the Con-| and his long line of annsesters, and the Dutchess Dowger, wich as a | stitution permits four only to sit there. Lorp PALMERstoNn, equally | mother she is responsable, but seems to enkurage her son in his follys taken by surprise, begged time to consider the appalling fact. We may | and low-lived abits, and the coatchman, that ad not ort to ave been be rash, even reckless; but we own that we should dine in peace, had ealled to drive any sich low-lived lot, and still more the footmen I there been six. |meed not say, bein myself in that rank of life and reconizin in them Then we had an interesting debate on a motion of Mz, Forsrsr’s, | men of the world and brothers, who as sich must feel they was. be- for a Committee to consider whether foreign nations ould not be enabled | meanin themselves sitting behind that sor} of pussons. Well, Sir, a to communicate direct with the Foreign Office in matters of commerce, | bitter site it were. There were the doocal Karridge, turned out all instead of being handed backwards and forwards between that office | korrect of course, but I could rede the feelins of indignashun a bilin and the Board of Trade. As the interest in question is represented by | in the steddy man that drove, and the two unfortinate parties in the a receipt of £450,000,000 a-year, it may be just worth while to afford it rumble, or I do not know the sentyments of our horder. I see that any reasonable business facilities. A Committee was appointed. ‘mob all along pell-mell, wich our peeple was invited to the fust-floor

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Vw 2 wee ee SO Aprit 23, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 167 | hover a shop, the pedatare (as we say) of a young swell who is sweet on our second dorter, and the treetment of that ’ere ekipidge by the lower horders words cannot convay. They ad no respect for a Dook’s koro- net or karridge, harnis, nor osses, feelins nor footmen, not they: they lep on the weels, they tore and durtied the straps and linin’, they ’ung on to the box, they climed on to the rumble, wich it can’t ardly old too London-sized boddysservants cumfutable, and I leeve you to judge wot it must ave bin to them too pore young men, akustomed to igh life and refined manors, to ave si eae. ten, and at times nigh on to twenty low retches a cli d a‘ clamberin abowt them, and a hullooin’ with beestly familiaraty in their hears, and a stickin to the rumble, as if it was p I was not surprized at the cartas- trephy wich follered, Gonseve my orror, when in the midst of that fe crowd I see the actewally give way under the wilent *ands of the’mob, and my unfortunate brethring a strugglin’ for their ve in the mnd, and eggsposed to the geers of a brutal poppylase, and their livries as good as ruined, wich if guynors finds ’ats, cotes, weskets and shorts, we _> our own tyes and silk-stawkins. It seem ‘to mea hemblem of levellin times. That ’ere karridge was the British Konstitooshin, the Dook cheek by jowl with a man of low eggstrackshun and revolootionary prinsiples repersented the Lords a forgittin theirselves and the ouse of Kommons sich as Reform Bills and-anti-Corn Lore Leegs as made it. And the orrid and orful mob a stormin’ and a cheerin’, and a rampagin all round, and hen- devoring to clime into the carrige, and an ’angin on to the rumble, was demokrisy always tryin to ride as well as its betters, and never so appy as when it can redooce the ’igher horders to its hown level. I ond its brootal showt, and blushed for its low ribalry, wen them pore young men come to greef. For them I simpithiges. The Doox or SuruianD I leeve to his konshense and his horder. I do not hen hat man his feelins, with his carridge smashed, his peeple umbled an » & revolootionary fi in his ouse, the aristocracy dis- gusted, and the Soverins of Urup bilin with indignashion. Sich is the mellanovlly results of a low turn of mind, and a love of steme-engines and amatoor stokin ! LI remane, Mr, Punch, your obegient Suvint, Jeames FrvzsRames. SINGING BY DEPUTY. hp 99 % . “hk ; 2 - Oh UR 4 wy We T Kaa a r J tet YS iy re Ze, Zh yj PF \\ LX Pes YS ue w HE famous School for Scandal was performed the other morning ag waenny strong. “a. 2 as every ows, for the benefit of the y= |} famous Royal Dramatic College; and every- body knows, that on this special occasion the art of Sir He “with the original song,”’ was kindly undertaken y the fmond ttn. Rexves, who, everybody might have known, was conspicuous for his absence. The usual medical certificate was produced, and read amid the laughter of the audience, who had clearly come pre to_hear the usual apology which is expected now whenever Mr. Sums Reeves is announced ; and their merriment was increased when his apologist informed them that the eminent English tenor, Mr, Pavt Beprorp, had, in the emergency, been asked to take the part. What cause there was for laughter Mr. Punch could not quite see, unless, indeed, the audience expected Mr. Beprorp to sing them “ Jolly Nose,” instead of the more senti- mental song which fkumanas has put into Sir Harry’s vocal mouth. Mr. Beprorp played the character with far more weight than Mr. Reeves (who is a slimmer man) could do; and if he did not sing the song quite so sweetly as the latter might possibly have done, at least he pamnties no one by zo# singing it. Mr. Punch would therefore hope, that in future Mr. eae will hold himself in readiness to sing for Reeves, whenever and wherever he is engaged to show him- self. Considering how often Mx. Rzxvzs is indisposed, it is high time that a deputy should be permanently hired for him ; and as Mr. Brp- FORD - no chance ever misses to appear when he is advertised, he is about the fittest person to be chosen for the place. As it is, the British Public, when they pay to hear Sims Reeves, are utterly uncer- tain as to whom they really wil/_hear; whereas, their doubt would be @ispelied, and their good humour secured, were it announced that Mx. Buproxn would, if Mr. Reeves were absen nage Sat or in , or whatever ofher music might chance to him. ere it advertised beforehand ‘that “Comfort ye, my people,” or “Sound an alarm,” would, if Mx. Reeves were hoarse, be sang by Mx. Buproxp, there would be-no ground for complaint if Mr, Rwnves ee. ee ess hysician i in readiness to certify that singers are afflicted sore throats, surely managers of theatres and concerts would do well to insist, that every my whose throat or inclination was apt at the last moment to compel him to be absent, should allow his name to be announced in the sdvertinaanalle coupled in a bracket with that of his appointed deputy, who, if he sang or not, should share the plaudits and the pay. ENGLISH EXTRA-SUPERFINE. THe subjoined example of jocular circumlocution is taken from a report of GarrBaLpr’s visit to the Roy ian Opera. On this occasion admission to the Floral Hall was given to persons going to the boxes, stalls and pit, and to others at half-a-guinea each. And so:— “The doors were opened for visitors at half-past seven, at which hour many sought admission, and as evening dress had been made a sine qua non for all, soon after the nour named the place presented a very pleasing spectacle, filled as it was by a crowd of people whose attire seemed to denote that they belonged to what is | usually denominated the ‘ upper classes.’ ” : How many people there are whose attire seems to denote that they | belong to “ that part of society usually denominated the upper classes,” | when, if it were scrutinised, it would be discovered to = of such a | uality as not by any means to denote the thing that it seems to! For the style of evening dress which comes up to sine gua non, may be far | below the mark of ne plus ultra. And even when people’s attire denotes them to belong to those classes which are usually denominated, it does not necessarily denote that they belong to those which really are, the upper. Accordingly we are quite prepared for the reporter’s succeeding | statement, that :— “ For their amusement, previous to the ‘arrival of the distinguished visitor, the band of the Coldstream Guards, stationed at the Bow Street end of the Hall, played | a selection of popular music, which the company listened to while perambulating the spacious edifice.” This passage significantly suggests that those who were capable of being amused by “ popular” music were a sort of persons whose resem- blance even to the merely so-called upper classes was but superficial. We know what popular music is. A selection of music on the principle of popularity would consist chiefly of such pieces as “‘ The Oure,” for instance, “Zhe Dark Girl dressed in Blue,” and “I’m a Young Man Srom the Country, but you don’t get over me,” with “ The Whole Hog or | None,” and a variety of negro melodies. The music which the company listened to in the Floral Hall, “while perambulating the spacious edifice,” we may well suppose to have been carefully adapted to the ears of “a crowd of people whose attire seemed to denote that they belonged to what is usually denominated the ‘wpper classes,’” and who are so described in a narrative which may be said to constitute a splendid | specimen of what is usually denominated pemny-a-lining. Dr. Cumming’s Last. By advertisement we are informed of another new work by Dr. Cummine, The Destiny of Nations as indicated in Prophecy. A motto which the prophetic doctor might prefix to this last production of his literary constructiveness is “‘ Small prophet, and quick returns.” BE eer

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Appin 23, 1864. Yr DS VSEAMWN = Wd Sows SS SN . BS a eal, A NS . 7 eZ yy \ Papa, “Lucy! Here! Here’s a Gate!” SASTRY WN . . NESS Sn ks ep ji asin ” Pi 4 = — é 3 = id, ype y / ij, 4 .~ ~~ w 1 RS to Y Lucy. “ALL ricut, Papa pear. You Go THROUGH THE GaTE. I THINK ‘CRUSADER PREFERS THE FENCE.” ROME: NAPLES: LONDON. THE WELCOMES OF GARIBALDI. T saw three sisters: each of them a queen: One with a stern square face, and regal brow, ogee where pressure of a crown had been, With no crown save a priest’s tiara, now. Motley her garb: alb, chasuble and cope, Which, as her chafing still their folds would ope, Beneath a tattered flamen’s gown did show, Or an Imperial toga’s Tyrian sh een, Frayed, and besmirched with blood, and with debauch unclean. Deep-bosomed and strong-limbed, and heavy-browed, She sat like one that on a mighty past Looks backward dreamily, from out a shroud Of sin and shame and suffering round her cast, Yet with an eager quivering of the nerves, A memory of old conquest in the curves Of her proud lip, lightnings that faded fast, Yet sti flashed up, under her eye-brows’ cloud, Saying to men, “ Beware! Iam not crushed, though bowed.” More slight the Second Queen; a sweeter face, Where Eastern languor tempered Southern fire ; Motions that gave to mirth their easiest grace, But swept, in sudden storms, from mirth to ire : The summer sun seemed seething in her blood The summer sky seemed mirrored in her mood ; So beautiful, so changeful ; from desire To loathing, from chill frown to hot embrace Her passionate gusts, like clouds, did each the other chase. Bright vine-leaves wreathed her purple-glossy hair, With grey-green olive, and gold-tasselled maize : All gay and parti-coloured was her wear, Half peasant’s half princess’s were her ways : Blithe, buoyant, careless of to-morrow’s fate, So but to-day took mirthfulness for mate ; Ready for ban or blessing, scorn or praise ; For » Cows who won her love with love to spare, For those who earned her hate with a stiletto bare. Sober and strong the third: of colder hue And blunter features: yet a true-born queen : The "se life telling in the brawny thew, The honest nature in the eye serene. The muscles knit with toil, whose tools did stand, Mattock and spade and hammer, near her hand, Yet not far off might other gear be seen, Sword, bayonet, rifle, grooved and sighted true ; Unhacked, unbruised, unused they might have been, Yet yare, and fit for use,—blades sharp and barrels clean. Crowned with fair towers she was, and from all lands Trophies of art and industry, and spoils Of labour and the chase, within her hands She largely Brasp d: a mighty cable’s coils Her pillared neck, like Celtic tore of old Circled with strands of triple-twisted gold. She looked like one who, honouring manly toils, Yet fit for more than sordid slaving stands, And by a higher law than gold’s her life commands. These sisters communed curiously of one Now in all mouths, one who among us came, Though with no visible crown upon his brow, King, crowned by deeds and consecrate by fame. They knew him all the three, honoured and loved : But question rose wherefore so greatly moved Was that Third Queen, by one, to Aer, a name, No liberator, at whose feet to bow, So love can but be shown, not recking where or how.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aprit 23, 1864. TI Fars ) ral te) / 4 - ~ °y, 1 WV ine MOSES STARTING FOR THE CONFERENCE FAIR. (LET US HOPE HE WON’T BRING BACK “A GROSS OF GREEN SPECTACLES.”) . BRITANNIA. Moses . . Eart RUSSELL. Mrs. Primrose . » PALMERSTON. Primrose .

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Arar 23, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ‘TH : “ Por me he met. the Gaul, “ Well,” answers B., “he’ll be in Town for some time.” tat hi bated bac, one mano ten: “Oh!” says A., and seeing that he has committed himself and half-breached wall, to a visit, feels com ~ ae ing aga ——?” This question wears pF an ne No. he” rm, bl hg ge , answer pf ag has he faced ? bei pe re a ay cal rm wid be ray He left no fem ul’s 4. Oh h! at ——? . (Blank again, up.) For you he not home and hope and all, B. (obo owt SaaS aloek oak Mt high time to nish the Nor ‘Showed he felt, for you, the dearest offering small.” did sho. Glad to mowe off, sa ‘ted oa sociably). Yes—same The Second Queen said: “ It were marvel strong 4. Iwill. ‘With pleseure, "(7 to probing the depth of Should J not him who set me free Bo -~ end priest! this hearty weiletion says) Wises “m From Bourbon le Gainaht ee than B.(semng through it, and not to be done). Oh! time, any time. I : his band touched my chain, oni a) pains een arene as a Fen ee 4 yourself, (Goe Tt burst, and, lo! 1 sprang up free again : : But thou art, Richy thy sea, Nn Bow cel Ye 0 oealing Maat of as an iteervinance, Guardian, not ; why thus loud and lo 2 Now, you see in e foregoing ia dieed. The weleome of this man from all thy toiling throng ? vantage. B. gomes prepared with his This same piece of The Third Queen smiled, and answered them again :— ion, you may be sure —e , gratitude nor love to him I owe, That he wa vd —— uy chain ; PI eat chains ta far, and : Kiag Mammon’s—worse than ba rat purbon, they ! What has laid world-worship Under his fet te like this? Who, such Of chains that forges here below As this plain Captain did for Barth’s pebnrle show ?” The voices ceased: vanished the vision fair, But still these voices’ music filled the air : T heard the erowd that went and came, Loud pealing 's pure and honoured name. TALK FOR TRAVELLERS.' Iw the last this T entangled my travellers ina complication. Pe ae Se st in that saben L, somew , as it may seem to a few of the U Unthinking, left them. The case proposed was one deliberation. To it, I will, at some fature time, venture a a aay ld it appears to me, that I have incautiously advanced m e sixth book, as it were, of | Rehr th ode have, thoroughly mastered | uintologue, por g wre t the t sn aa hau, we will continue the And, be it known unto resent writer’s object is, not merely to find into all men, that yop style of such street con- versations as come under his notice, vont to improve, or rather to induce street-conversational pro! the rudiments of the Let us then consider the &e., tao hore oar oh oo unto us as an be subject of the Bisaple oa his fellow- by a careful cultivation of epee, see sentences, salu- tations, and valedictions, to i ingrone f the ars of Travelling Talk, hitherto so lamentabl -educated classes of Great | ani and my be F. Hema To this end speaks | your Peri A few t ag are who, determined to import something of originality | into their dialogue, will, after the exchange of the first unanswere greetings (I need not repeat them), ome. down upon you with the | statement of a fact, or a piece of news, which demands a show of interest | on a part of the person ‘As thus, the invariable prelade | x Well? (Looks at B. smilingly, wondering if he’s going to say | anythi B. We ? (Would like to make some remark upon the weather, but thinks | he’s °d better leave that Sor a last resort, in case nothing better turns up.) I saw Cuarey in Town yesterday. 4 not at the moment remembering who CHARLEY is). No; did you? es. He’s in Town now. B. Oh! (Here the would come to an abrupt conclusion, Ya that B. summons up courage to observe in an inquiring ica ou | mar: CHARLEY Sem 4. No, no. Cuartey; my Brother. (He says this, as ¢ $ rd to ‘0 suppose any other CHARLEY could possibly be intende f ook !” says B., implying that this explanation has materially altered | t adh eehion, whatever the question might, could, would, or should | A., having stated his fact, can only further c iene it upon B. by | repetition. “Yes,” says he, “I saw him yesterday Ah, indeed!” returns B., to whom it now lalieaby occurs, that Pm¥., being his informant’s brother, he, B., ought to exhibit some extraordinary in interest in him; go, with this idea, he adds, “1 shoal see Seniesa tt were everyone whom he may rig seven days or so, his commence’ was in Town last iar tg Rent west fo come. Ae wet - 2 Hion will assume thjg form :— the prospe¢tive, and 3 Se: After a month his Sinaia bit of “Ob! CuaRtey was im Town some it is to thoughtful and courteous consideration the f There are times, when the depth of the hatband will a not only a valid excuse, but a sufficient reason, for y state of the weather, the aspect of the country present and future, the of the day’s papers, or last night’s Debate in the House. police news A EUROPEAN ROW. To Mr. Punch. You have a reasonable good ear in m music; let you have the tongs and bones: you are particularly fond of » 1 think, and other 5 | nn harmonic magnieeh se as imine professors, 0 yon want a treat, then? If so, let me-call atten- | tion to a eter which has been written from m Segoe by a man who signs himself “ C. S. Merarrt, See. pro tem, mnt Se i | Canmaee of English residents in that eity, with a ma ody :-— “ On, the 22nd of May will be held in Lyons, ee ee — o— Org nga eaten gl Gut Concours’ of above 300 Men ty = poe societies, coming from parts of France, Germany, Belgi a 4 Pog commission have unanimously adopted the yonoketion ha Ae the English ds and musical societies should be invited te come over and com: rey the two iz” the Philharmonic Band and the New the | Opera Houses, the entire vocal and pe ee executive of the Sacred a Society, and the Monday Pops, of the zu Union and Plage Lesage’ es fe ., e foregoing bp ion to go over and 00! brass bands and choral societies, you will hear a dented b anything + the Ks, Oe for the contest between Pan was another thmg. lou w competition, P. you go to hear it or not, if Seay: Sang hundred _ societies on the one hand, and their an ogether—that is as nearly as it will be possib: ‘kee them together. The efficieney of the brass bands will be mah joined by the Popsr’s Brass Band, as, te It be or the House of Commons Peing | pepe Macy L am, Sir, your Philharmonic friend, Smznruxevs. P.S. We can be blind or see at will. didn’t Nature enable us Ming wilh thre i to stop our ears as well as our eyes, Sir? Oh, that cough below-stairs !

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Arr 23, 1864. A HINT FOR TAILORS. Tuts 1s Jongs Jonzs, WHO HAS KINDLY SELECTED Mrs. Dz Corition’s THe DANSANTE, TO DISPLAY HIs IDEA OF WHaT THE ALTERATIONS IN Evenine Dress (SAID TO BE MEDITATED BY A CERTAIN R—yY—L P—Rs—N—GE) OUGHT TO BE. OPEN-AIR CONCERTS. Mz. Puncu hates all street music with so cordial a hatred that he has almost made up his mind to abandon the West End and go and’ live in Bethnal Gree which is said to be so poor that a street band or a barrel-organ is never to be hear in it. But street music is one thing, and park music another; and the band of the Commissionnaires who perform now every evening in St. James’s Park, give unmixed pleasure to those who listen to it. There are few houses in St. James’s within earshot of these concerts, and, besides, the band plays at a reasonable hour, when men have knocked off their day’s work, and will not be disturbed by the blaring of a trombone or the Seating of adrum. So they who like to hear good music in the open air should attend these cut-door concerts which are daily given gratis to those who can’t afford to pay for entering the enclosure where the band is stationed, for which vig the sum of threepence is demanded, the entrance- money going to the profit of the band. | 5 te There are some persons who say that, as street music gives pleasure to a number of poor people, other people who dislike it his oy to grin and bear it for their poorer neighbours’ sake. Now Punch is ever y to stick up for the poor, and would be most unwilling to deprive them of a pleasure, seeing how few pleasures they are able to afford themselves which richer folk can buy. Therefore, much as Punch detests and execrates street music, and although it gee disturbs him in his work, he would not wish to see it Sy entirely, though he certainly would like to see it kept within fair bounds. This is a free country, and street organs therefore flourish in it; but although they may give pleasure to some people, it is undeniable that they give pain to png while suffered to disturb sick persons and brain-workers, as they virtually now do. So let street music be kept within some reasonable control, and not be permitted where it is disliked. Spots for outdoor concerts might surely be selected in various rey of town, where poor people might assemble for the sake of hearing music, and to these places let street bands and street organs be confined. Any open air musician found performing out of bounds should be beheaded, flogged, or flayed alive and dipped in boiling oil, according as the magistrate in mercy should decide: and the Coekenmh. bagpipes, fiddle, French horn, flute, trombone, or other instrument of torture on which he was found playing, should be broken up and burnt, or else its fragments sold as firewood and old metal, and the poor-box be enriched with the ceeds of the sale. ale Meanwhile, as the evening out-loor concerts by the band of ie Caerrennne® 209 tal tep in the = direction—that, namely, of providing music for people in places where dane of neighbours will annoyed by it—Mr. Punch hopes that these concerts will flourish rap succeed, which, with his approval, they are pretty sure o do. ON A SNOB (Who tore two branches from the Wellingtonia Gigantea, Planted by Ganreaupt, in the grounds of the Poet Laureate, at Farringford, Isle of Wight). Imsecite Idiot! Two-l For thee my dé¢on bristles ! What’s Wellingtonia to thee, Whose natural food is thistles ? Demeale cfs Payers tribe, ) oug’ ilt theirs surpasses Who on the Pyramids in large, Write themselves Snobs and asses. Thou littlest of all little things In Cockneydom that. be, With greatness what hadst tho to do, Great man, or giant tree P Alas! Even a dwarf can reach To lick a giant’s shoe ; And e’en the tiniest worm that bores Can a great tree undo. Oh, might the twigs that thou hast stol’n Burgeon to life anon, And twist themselves into a rod, With Punch to lay it on! By uature’s law of recompense, But seldom known to fail, A head so dense and dull as thine Should boast a tender tail. How would I poise the trenchant twigs And swish with nicest art ; As extremes meet, this were a chance To reach thy peccant part. May every needle of the pine That thou away hast torn, Within the pillows of thy bed Become a separate thorn ! ass, A garden of thine own perchance Thou mayest have, or ge — Though no great man will e’er come there ' A giant tree to set,— But, if thou hast a favourite tree— . (E’en fools such fancies know)— May dolts of thine own kidney come, And lay its branches low. Irreverent, Reverence’s name That dar’st to take in vain, Blush for thy theft, repent the"wrong, Thou canst not mend again! Take the reft branches for a scourge, In penitential cell, And as Puach is not there to flog, Flog thyself, and flog well ! Miraculous Escape. Wuen Garrsatpt visited Portsmouth he saw some artil- lery practice on board the Ercellent, A reporter who was present says in a newspaper :— “ The first shot that was fired had a wonderful effect on him.” Indeed it had, apparently. It did not hurt him at all, and he is none the worse for it.

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¢raone F ||

re artil- rho was him.” n at all,

Apait 23, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 173 who bespeaks his censure of a parsimonious hag. A REPLY TO A PINK NOTE. The logic of Nuva proves her such a true girl, ? ie that he should certainly have = to her SS Dea little ‘Governess, whose | the acceptance of that situation which is now pretty name is “ Nuva,” and | filled by another. whose character is evident from tet panaweiing, eam 0 T. £UNCh O a Ghee on chee COOLNESS PARSONIFIED. by ® pretender to religion} ty matters of Chureb’ charit “ y, clergymen are calling herself lady, on wae certainly the coolest beggars living, whatever be uncommonly shabby, even for | their warmth in Church doctrines and disputes. Ee hae oP with | Searcely ever a day passes without our being eng 5 yess, bt ee bored by post, or, worse still, by private inter- t you to say something | view, to subscribe a five-pound note or so in aid

mm your own way (without : g to my letter or the os of the lst atte oy, agp aie upon this case.” | our purse was week, and, in sending Hr. Sg Rage = round the cap gm by post, the , : . notice to this order if he possibly could ; | ™¥oren! — 2 pam : i siting it he postseript at the foot of their appeal : necessarily disobeys part of it} «should the reader be $9 contribute to th ee aes tes ae J Ww 1s encios » therewith, it is impossible for | #2 'upreal” ee him even to say that he has received @ communication} We have often it. seid, that asking costs from a young lady, informing | nothing, but im for is him of the wonderful mean-| not the course there are expenses

nesa of a party who shall be | incurred im the of all charitable funds. é PSS i nameless, He can say no | Still, we bg rather that people dis- more on sub, in his own way, or any way, than that the female whe wanted his | inclined, or who cannot afford, to contribute prod 7 to three children English, French, and Music, to wash them, dress them, | to a charity, shauld be for half-a-crown to mend their elothes, at sleep in the same room with them, for a salary of wif, and no other | defray the cost of aking m if they will send a beyond ep and payment of her laundress, is a humbug, a skinflint, and a| cheque. Fancya stree , when a shilling serew, and that if her c ldren grow up in ignotance, vice, and dirt, it will be the fault of | is refused him, then * earnestly roqusyeing ou their mother, who is too stingy to pay a proper pene for their ion. to give hima few coppers, to pay him for his loss Mr. Punch, however, will say this, that if he were a bachelor, he should himself have | of time and wear and tear vd shoe-leather in an eligible engagement to offer on behalf of an unexceptionably handsome dealer, to the darling | making the appeal !

| | the tax as makes malt dearer than copperass and the rest on’t. Well, BEERSHOP BEER. . howsomedever, I spose we must grin and bear the Malt-Tax, ’cause the Mr. Puncu, Incum-Tax is wuss, and the women and children hollers for cheap sugar ; No doubt but what, when you’ve ben down our way you’ve | zo Malt must gie way to Lollipops. zina feller in a zmock frock out in the rhwoad on a Zunday arternoon, a | fust one zide 0” the way and then t’other, zigzag, like a vlash | ’ farked febtnun, only not so fast, and bimeby perhaps runnun slap | Y —; en hol hoes then’ drunk, and you thinks he've | ou knows, in coorse chap’s , and you s he’ve | a been drinkun two or dree ga’ans 0’ beer, as you’ve heerd zome on us | AMBI-OCULAR. 3 be ee to do, and think nothun on’t. | Tue Mark Lane Gagetée contains the following appeal :-— he. That feller most like han’t a had above a pint. How much | v ¥. more ood sitch as he be in case to affoord? T’ll tell you what he’ve T° REALLY EVANGELICAL CHRISTIANS ONLY.—Wanted, : ll : a fh ben drinkun of. In the fust place, mo beer. The stuff zold under the | Sects Seater weak to cease nal Whee oun and partridge — of beer re have made oy Cm’ Lae or es un rether, is | shooting could be procured. Address, Newron, &c. the same sart of mixtur as w . Du Cane @’other night in the | . is evi ly of the Divine Poet’s opinion, that— debate on the Malt-Tax gied the House a purscription vor from Dr. This gentleman is — . habeus pian Heat) opmion, ay ne — —— yon was —_ of — pow t cal ’s sold at places | To make our pleasures less.” gg “pha This vk ™ i eee : be Speen pate con | There is a certain pleasant frankness about the adyertisement, He is it instead o’ stricknine :— ' | particular about the creed of his hosts, but is by no means superior to ; | creature comforts, and the board one residence oe be Gopeeiee. we “ & saccharine body—as foots and orice—to sweeten it; a bitter principle— | : Pee, haart) * = ugntin, quaesa, tach, and Terra japonica to give sirngeacy;» tnaketing | howe thet, Muscular Chustanity is BOF the exelusive right of the material—as linseed—to give body ; a colouring matter—as burnt sugar—to darken | shows ine uscular y think that hb : aall it; Cocculus Indieus to give a false strength ; and common salt, capsicum, copperas, | Broad Churchman, and we may venture to t e lly and Dantaic spruce, to produce a head, as well as to impart certain refinements of | do his readings in an evening, using the reasonably cloudy days, like moan i, St. Antony, in converting Ra fishes, only pamnwing a chet There, Mr. Punch h ¢ ! , Popish saint by converting them into rior Board. a scholar he Mr. Lawson, and lash sem: aap of _ eahore . yon Wane will remember Nulla dies sine Lined. We trust that he will be parti- Kingdom Alliance what- a yourselves, now if you wants to per- | cular in Your sarvunt, Sir, Troutbrook, April, 1864. Jacon Homecrezn.

his language in the partridge-field, and never say, aS alas we mote temperance and soberness, set to tryun to perwent publicans from | have too often heard worldly py men that ‘um from supplyun holesome-drink; but stop ’um from drenchun their | Way.of talking. However, we have good hopes of him, the rather t - custumers wi foots and lickerish, gentiun, quassier, sumick, terrer | he signs himself Newnon, and has probably been amas ape t ie japonicer, linseed ile, burnt sugger, cocklus hindicus, salt, capsicum, | Celebrated Jou Newton, first slave-trader, next evangelist, The only copperass, and that eedteantion Jarman Dantzic spruce.” Did | Objectionable word in his appeal is “acting. _,We hope that he is ie that, they’d praps do zum . Couldn’t they lay their two heads | much in earnest about his reading as he manifestly is about his = together, and if there’s any brains in ’um better than addled eggs, con- | a2d sports. Altogether we consider the advertiser a very oe ake trive a pironger law to punish them as ’dulterates beer? Tis too late | gentleman, with an eye a-piece for the celestial and terrestrial globes. in the day, these times, to judge sitch offenders to be drowned in their - ment pith wa nay bs 5! ne i cock lae ean my ~ 5 ee, AB Baw L Definition —Dissenters who would exclude ment, with nutiun to ut their cocklus icus aud copperass Lack Batt Line.—Definition — : intire for a week. vont from the Club, to which they belong, all Members of the Establishment, In coorse you nose as well as I do that ’dulterated beer is owun to! may be defined es the real Pillers of the Church.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprit 23, Nae SMe ~ - — ~— _ Wx V/) B Conductor. “Wat! Srxpgnc® Too much! Wuyr'r ACTUALLY AIN'T ANYTHINK NIGH a ’A’ PENNY a Stun!” EXCESSIVELY INDISCREET. Tue Conservatives, or at least the To omy hy to Pique themselves on politeness to the ladies. At times when. of a woman unless she wore blue and canvassed candidates invariably com ted the female auditors of election ches, and di all women were Tories age ped loved their homes, and their’ duties, and so on. But thi are chan é- Here, on the su d eve of a general election, wen it is decidedly the interest of parties to be on the best of terms with the female |™ electors (they have no votes—haven’t they. pa ?), the new Conserva- |” tive organ, the Realm, oémes out with the Yo — the ladies. Lion- hunting, says our young friend, has increased, | reason of. the increased liberty enj et by the fair sex.” (Old- fiebioned phrase, isn’t it? but never min “ Ladies formerly stayed at home more than they do now. We speak of middle- class people. Whether it is that modern babies are better behaved, or that sewing- machines save a deal of time ey spent in stitching, or the fact that a number of articles which used to be ‘careful 38 eens in the kitchen are now bought ready- made at the grocer’s ; —— be reason, the modern matron, whose mother would have been i hold employments, finds plenty of time, if a Londoner, to go to the oryekal Palace, and patronise Joun Parry, Wooprn, and Co. ; or ifa ciai dame, to come up to town lion-hunting. Now we have put the cap on the person whom! it fits. It is the provincial lady of the middle-class who is always in exuberant Crinoline, assisting at sbip-launchee, layings of firat stones, tations of colours, anniversaries, centenaries, mtenaries—what you will. t is she who tormented the Prixcess or WAtEs all fra a h last season, by perti- naciously driving before and behind her and staring at her with eyes of doub lass power. It is she who, for want of better game, pursued Mr. Hewry Warp Beecuer from Exeter Hall to the ocean steamer in the Mersey. It is she who will now do her best to spoil GENERAL GaRIBALDT' 8 temper by her incessant For good ’ sake ! let him alone, Madam. ts Now, without iy whether ted pat of this allegation is trae—not | adore him as he | that Punch is ales adores them begs to mt that the jromm ion of such opinions just now is indis- creet. if the Whig electioneerers know their work, they will reprint ie shore paragraph by yo oon heading it, ‘ ‘To Opinion of the Ladies,” and circulate it profusely in every electoral district. Then, when the dissolution has come, and the new writs are out, and that elegantly-dressed Captain CANVASSER comes smiling into the house, to say anything to the ladies, who d who can never be offended with him—Mr. Punch | | and, “with his best astonishment,” vows that he can’t even speak to Mars. Execror or look at her until he has kissed those darling little angels. who ought to be instantly painted by Mr. Minas, &. &c. &c., he will | get a quiet “Do not hurry yourself’ You have plenty of time to look | at the children, as be ing need say nothing about Mr. Exzctor’s vote. | He has promised B.veEriaG, who is rather a favourite with us | Provincial Dames.” Dear Realm, don’t you know that, if speech is silver, silence is golden, at least, when you cannot say pleasant things ‘. folks who ean do you no end of mischief. If you lose ever so sac Boe oe by your rudeness, don’t say we didn’t tell you how it lowing declaration of war | The Shakspeare Monumert. | Ar length we read that “It is proposed to commemorate the 300th | birthday by erecting in London a monument embracing a bronze statue of SHAKSPEARE.” | The idea is affectionate, but the design will require some care, as the attitude of a monument embracing a statue may seem a little awkward. The monument must not be too tall, or it will have to stoop to the embrace, and remind the public of a gigantic Life-Guardsman playing at kiss-in-the-ring with stumpy nursemaids. However, nothing like a beginning, and we rejoice to welcome a practical suggestion, at last. | | WHAT TO CALL HIM. “Ts the A long or short?” says a swell to his pal. “ Why, the rule is as plain as your nose, or a steeple : Gari-ba/- ‘ii when Duchesses give him a dal ; Gari-4aw/-di when up goes the shout of the people.” An Imaginary Being. A New Work is advertised under the title of 4 Woman against the World. This is announced as a story, and could hardly be supposed to be anything but altogether a work o fiction. Who ever knew a Woman to set herself st the world? If 4 Woman against the World is illustrated, the heroine should be represented as wearing no Crinoline. ——— Peer een citaar Shy By fly pat Rg FL of London.—Saruzpar, April 23, 1864. Count: Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie tity of onion, und Published by them st Ne. 90, Fleet Street, in ea fe Teneo a et a

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ae tae. th tue the ard the ying ke a t the d to man ld is Api 30, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 175 S——_—_ se SJF_coursé you know, dear SPEARE needs no monument, it has suddenly occurred to us that we ought to give him one. There are various opinions as to what his mo- nument ought properly to be, and, since we are poor hands at making monuments in marble, it has been fancied by some few of us that a sub- tial Shaks monu- ment cenpenel of ei and mortar would better serve our turn. The suggestion, I believe, was first started in our columns that a statel: hakspeare theatre woul be the noblest monwsnent that England could erect, and one that: SHaKsPEARE were he living, himself woul most approve of. The cge that knows not SHAKSPEARE T trust will never come; but, at any rate, its advent , would be very much delayed were there a national Shakspeare playhouse in the land that gave him birth, and were it a condition in the tenure of that theatre that one at least of SuaxspeaRe’s plays should yearly be produced there, with all the pomp and circumstance the nation could command. ~ I have heard it sometimes argued that the time may come when SHAKSPEARE will cease to prove attractive, when his plots will be thought feeble, his humour strained and pointless, and his language dull and obsolete. For this the influence of railways is cited as a cause ; and though the fancy may seem able, there really seems some ground for it. ilways certainly have made people less patient than they were at pole places of amusement, and less tolerant of anything approaching o longwindedness, which some of SHAKsPEARE’s characters are clearly rather given to. But { have not much fear myself of the bad time ever coming, when SHAKsPEARE will be sneered at as being too slow to keep pace with the age, and so be shunted off the stage as being worn out and old fashioned. Notwithstanding railway influence and fast trains, and men to match, I still hold true to the belief that SHaKsPEARE “lived not for an age,” but for all dramatic time, and that, while human nature lasts, his plays, which picture it so faithfully, will ever be attrac- tive. Croakers who pretend to have lost their faith in this, should fo to Drury Lane just now, and see how SnaxsPxare fills it, and how the many hundreds, who nightly are drawn thither by his play of Henry IV, strain rly their ears to catch the words that SHaxsrzare wrote for them to hear, and their eyes to see the action that accompanies the words. On the whole I think the play is very creditably played, and has been | Jj carefully produced. Hotspur I applaud for his gallant speech and bearing, but he must be careful lest his vehemence be too much for his voice. I thought porate he acted best in the scenes where he is tamed a bit, while prattling to his wife, and his ying rugged tenderness she took as a wife should. uistaff I applaud too, with but little reserva- tion, although if he were more unctuous, he would more be the fat knight. In one addicted so to drink, the humour should not be too dry. The Glendower scene and Welsh song have too often been omitted, and are worthily restored ; but, prithee, good Sir John, why is your royal Crown and Cushion bit of merriment left out? And, good Mr. , let the tumult of the battle not die away too much while the set speeches are spoken; and it might make the scene more life-like were a few more deaths to happen in it. r such a scrim. mage as takes place upon the mound, one would expect a few additions to the four dead men discovered at the opening of the scene, posed neatly two and two, with their legs precisely parallel. The armour, too, is certainly not strictly “of the period,” as a glance at Mr. Punch’s Hisey of Costume will clearly serve to show: but one need not be too critical about these minor matters, if the broader stage effects are attended to with care. ‘ It is the author’s fault perhaps that in many of the scenes it pleased me quite as much to see the audience as the stage. They mostly seemed so heartily to enjoy his , that I myself enjoyed the sight of their ranges as much as that of what was causing it. Of course t stalls and the dress circle repress their approbation in obedience to the stupid laws of boarding-school propriety which still govern at our theatres the fashion of the day. There were no stalls or dress circle in the time when SHAKSPEARE wrote, and I’ll be sworn that good QurEn Brss and the fine ladies of her Court did more than feebly smile and snigger Punch, that, as our SHAK- | he at the humour of Jack Falstaff when they went to see the play. It is a bad thing for the drama this abstaining from all setural emotion and applause, and giving vent to feeble sniggers where there should be hearty laughs. To stir up his stage impulses and make him act his st, an actor must have sympathy both visible and audible, and if it fails him from the boxes, he seeks it from the gallery, and is apt to suit his acting to the pleasure of the gods. But despite the seeming ening of the Swells at Drury Lane and the Snobs who try to copy them, the stalls and boxes show themselves amused and entertained as never a sensation play am or entertained them; while as for 4 and gallery, ‘the way they “brayvo” Hotspur’s energy, and roar at 8 fun, should make the Shade of SuaxsrzaRe quit Elysium one evening, and for that night only revisit this dull h. I say, for one 7 only, for although at the Princess’s his of vere ht have somewhat of temptation for him to premag bissts with us, I fear that elsewhere on our stage now there is little would eare for. However much we have improved things in the last three hundred years, we certainly have never excelled SHAKSPEARE in our plays. In stage effects and scenery we might show him something new, and as compared with his dim, feebly candlelighted age, we might astonish him perhaps by our superior enlightenment, But after one must admit that people go to theatres to hear as well as see ; and to people who have anything that they can call a mind, there is less enlighten- ment in gas and light moonshine than in sparkling faney, and brilliancy of wit. Well, though we have no second SHAKSPEARE we ean boast of, we may at least be t for the one we have; and we never should lose sight of his presence on our stage, seeing we have little hope of looking on his like. One wHo Pays. PS. I must just say two words for the two smart new burlesques which were brought out on Easter Monday, the one at the pe and the other at the Royalty, which latter little nutshell of a theatre is far better than a large one as a place for cracking jokes in. Under Mrs. Sexpy’s management, the alty is rivallng the Bandbox in the Strand im its repute for smart burlesques,—smart in seenery and as in parodies and puns, FANCY BLACK. ADVERTISED in a contemporary, amidst a lot of other melancholy millinery, we find, “ Articles de_Fantaisie Pour Deuil.” nly fancy articles of fancy for mourning! Fancy-mourning ; fancy- weeds: how fanciful! And what are they ?—“Chemisettes, Tulle Sleeves, Berthes, Canzons, Jupons, Robes de Chambres, Garnitures des Robes,” &c. What sadly sweet things in mourning! Elegance in sables! The idea of fancy mourning dress suggests that of a fancy mourning dress ball. There is a “ Lord Lovel Quadrille,” which might be danced on such an occasion, for one thing, and some dance-musical genius might compose a “Coffin Quadrille” for another; also a “Shroud Waltz,” a “Knell Polka,” and a Cotillon, which might be called “The Cemetery.” To descend from the fashionable sphere of dancing to the | gemgyen the more vivacious of the gay and festive mourners, attired in articles de fantaisie pour deuil, atels trip it on the light fantastie toe to an “ Undertaker’s Hornpipe” or a “ Mute’s z.” Fancy mourning, perhaps, is meant to denote the grief of the heirs of rich old gentlemen and ladies. A NEW FAMILY. Ir appears by the police reports that one banner was missing from the GaRIBALDI procession, and its absence is to be deplored. Some- body detained it from the rightful owners until too late for show. It was the banner of the “Sons of Pheenix.” We particularly wish we had seen this illustration of natural history, as we have always had grave misgivings touching our friend Phenix, and we should much like to be introduced to his family. That he is a downy bird we never doubted, but his sons appear to have carried downiness to the point of softness, or they would not have let their flag be kept from them. But we are glad the magisterial Beak helped the poor honest fellows, and Mr. Punch hereby makes up to them the disappointment. GarrBaLDI might not have seen their banner, he will be sure to see this. Aerial Musicians. Macsetu did “murder sleep;” so do the organ-grinders,. besides murdering BeLiini and other composers. Owen Glendower says to “ Those musicians that shall play to you Hang in the air a thousand leagues from hence.” Mr. Baszace, and other gentlemen of tender ears, would perhaps be glad if the organ-fiends who distract their souls were hanging in the air no farther off than the Old Bailey. he | his company :— ecu Wt © Shon VOL, XLVI, T

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, ? PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Apri 30, 1864, = WARM WORK. Fly Fishing is a gentle Pastime, exercising the Mind without fatiguing the Body. Gentleman in a sad state of heat and flurry from merely setting up Yet here we have a this Young Lady's Rod/ LOW TORY TACTICS. As Ixzy, or Barney, down area below, Whereas he negotiates bargain in clo’ Doth garment well worn search with Now stretching, now holding it up to the sky Doth peer o’er each seam, and his whole mind devote To see if a hole he can pick in the coat; So Dexsy and Dizzy, who hungrily wait For office, sean Government perere of state, So in oversharp hurry cry, “ Hullo, look here ! A rent!” where, examined, it doth not appear ; Then, humming and muttering, go on, and then _ “Well, here’s one!” exclaim; are mistakén again: As when sheriff's cad long and eagerly tries To get into house which his efforts defies; He pushes and pulls every door he can find, On this side, on that side, before and behind, Tents window and casement with d d fixed look, Resolved to gain entrance by hook or by crook ; keen anxious eye, So hard do those two, bent possession to win Of Downing-Street premises, try to get in, _ As, night alter night, they, with obstinaté pain, Press questions, and cavil, and labour in vain, And, good fruit at home since wise policy bears, Find fault with their betters in Foreign Affairs. Who laughs not at hearing those sham malcontents The Cabinet blame for not ruling events ? heeded ry For not having had those remonstrances Which they themselves urged ; of which, ha succeeded, No doubt they would claim all the c edit and glory. Such low politicians you can’t call High Tory. For the Use of Schools. Tue Family likeness between the Ancient Roman, Greek and Modern English is well illustrated by the following example :—In Latin, the sea is Mare; a very pretty name of many a ve oy: lass in England. Good! OMER in the Greek word for the same, and its epithet, has curiously enough united the two. when speaking o the Potiy-photshboio Tha-Lass-es. TALK FOR TRAVELLERS. Truty the Peripatetic is also among the Preachers! A thousand pardons for having detained you cooling your heels in the street. You will be crystallised where you stand ; or, if it be a broiling hot day and you wear goloshes, your sole may be sticking to the flagstones; anima tua adhestt pavimento, A little exertion! good! Let us rouse our- selves, like —s merry men on a peculiar sort of day, (for further a a” the popular Glee by the late Sim H. Bisnor), and stir! bestir! To return. He who adopts the Caroline or Charleian method, has great advan- tages over the man of unsettled P me Mrs. Gamp, it occurs to me, was a Professor of this method. e never could fail in a conversation, as long as she stuck to her Mrs. Harris. Make therefore for mea of a i. Harris. All difficulty vanishes at once ; never shall you falter in a duologue. Thus: You make Wicerns your conversation-peg. Good. You meet X: How are you, &c., &., &c. : “Wicerns asked after you the other day,” you then bein. If your friend is taken aback, as he probably will be, or does not wish to own his ignorance of one, who appears to have felt such an interest in his welfare, he will say, as if in pleased surprise. “Did he?” Upon which it is evident that you have it all your own way, and can continue in what strain you will. For instance, “Yes! he says he never sees you now.” Here your friend may feel compelled to account for not having been seen by Wicers: if he doesn’t make any remark, go on. “By the way, I fancy he’s going to be married. - I don’t know, T merel fancy so.” This may | to a con- fession:; ‘ifnot, continue :—“ I should like you two to dine with me, at the Club, one of these days.” Of course he will be delighted to meet Wicerns, and may admit at this point, that he can’t call to mind where he has become acquainted with Wicerns, though, he will inform you, the name seems familiar to him. “Oh!” you will answer, “he knows you, well enough, by reputation.” This will please him, whoever he is. “ you must meet him. What do you say to one day next week?” Your friend has nothing to say to one day next week, or next month for that matter; but after some show of consideration, he tells you that “he shall be disen don certain days,” and then looks at you, expecting the invitation forthwith. ‘“ Very good,” you reply. “Then I'll as Wiceus, and find out when he can come. Good bye. Don’t forget.” As you move away, be very particular on calling os. “Don’t forget!” it ’s just as good, real, and as hearty as if you given your friend a positive invitation, date and time fixed. He departs, impressed with the idea that he’s going to dine with you, on one day next week to meet Wicerns, and subsequently accepts other Jond invi- tations conditionally. Well, the dinner never comes off. What of that? At some future time you two meet sn. “Well,” says he, quite seriously, “‘ I suppose you couldn’t get Wiccrns.” You must take care that this does not throw you off your guard ; for ten to one but you have forgotten all about the proposed Wigginsian festivity. Be ready ; do not appear puzzled— saying, “‘ Wiccrns! let me see—let me see—Wicerns!” or he may find you out, and, henceforth, in all con- versations with Aim, you “ll have to be provided with some new topic; which is vexatious. You will therefore say, “Ah! old Wicerns; he’s so busy! can’t get away for a moment! But he’s goi take a holiday very soon, and then—then—my boy—we ’ll— knowingly, or use any action or facial expression, that will best describe the Indescribable, without committing yourself to anything. And then? Well then, Well——what then? atuasod : On my word I am disgusted. I give it up as a bad job. Do I not well to be angry? After preaching for these many weeks past, after pointing out unto my fellow-citizens the faults in their every-day street conversations, hang me if they are not just as bad as ever they were! | Can I struggle with the inevitable? I am a Peripatetic, and to me is not the Stoical patience. Yet will I make a last attempt at a reforma- tion. My boy in buttons shall follow me, carrying a Diogenic tub something between a caviare barrel and a five-gallon cask. This shall he place at the corners of frequented streets, and I, mounted upon the djtop of it (Burrons will also carry a pair of steps), will fulfil my mission.

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ed, Apri 30, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARITVARI. 177 SS Mr. SPenceR Porrincron MaKES A Mornina Catt. HE WILL WEA R AN EYE-GLASS— AND SKIPS LIKE LorD DUNDREARY—AND COMES TO GRIEF OVER A CROQUET IRON, TAKING A HEADER INTO THE ARMS OF Lapy Honornia Bouncer! PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Aprit 18¢k, Monday. About five-and-twenty years ago, when Mr. Puneh’s hair was not so dark as it now is when he has had proper time to attend to his toilette, there appeared in the Eraminer some very clever papers on agen as It was sought to prove that the series of apparently artless and not particularly coherent chants with which mediseval Mammas stilled the wails of the babies of the dark ages, really comprised the most remarkable prophecies. Mr. Punch remem- bers being much struck with some of the interpretations, and they were recalled to his mind by the awful event revealed on the Monday he is yoy The Eraminer writer quoted one couplet of which he was unable to discover the secret meaning. It was this Nursery Song :— “ Bibble O, Bobble 0, Long Jack and Robin O, Shut your eye, eat a pie, mind you pull the bobbin, 0.” It must be admitted that the mystery of the meaning in these lines might puzzle the Sphynx or Dr. Cummine. But everything comes to who knows how to wait. Monday revealed the secret. Let us apply ourselves calmly and dispassionately to the interpretation of prophecy, and we shall soon see how beautifully it fits into our grooves. Bibble O is a rendering of the Greek word signifying a book. Bobble O means Bos Lowe. Jack is more obscure, but PaLmMEersTon is not short, and his second name is Joun—this is a trifle when you are at prophecies. Rodin O is a touching reference to the last “ Inspector” of the Children who were taken from their home on the pretence of education “to be brought up in fair London.” Shut your eye is a delicate allusion to a matter so.notorious, and so pointedly alluded to in the next mentioned debate, that there need be no scruple about it: Mr. Lows could not see what was going on in the House.” Zafa pie refers to the pie of humility which it was vainly sought to press upon Mr. Liowr. Mind you the bobbin, O, is in other words, be sure that you have plenty of Tape at hand. Now, dear brethren, put all these things together, and see how the nursery mapphacy enshrined the vents of Monday. Bos Lows, with mu _Y the reports of the In- 8 rs of the Schools , was defended by Lorp Patmer- 8TON, had been unable to; ment tis foes were handing about the House on the night of the hostile division, would not eat humble ie, but had to succumb to red tape traditions, and has resigned! hy, if Dr. Cummine could get within a mile of such evidence, he would fix within five-and-twenty minutes the time when the next. comet is to knock this world into the middle of the sun. We rejoice to have such an opportunity of showing our own skill, and of egg. recol- lections of the wit of our old friend the EZraminer, who, by the way, still upholds the cause of scholarly and epigrammatic writing against the graphic slipslop and gush of the a $ Mr. Bos Lowe is no longer a member of the Government, and Mr, Punch has something more to say. Mn. Lowe’s exculpation of himself from the charge brought against him was incomplete on the first night, as Mr. Punch ventured to hint, but was so ——s on the second that the absurd thing is that he should have resigned. The Opposition have ejected another good man, and on another frivolous pretence. It is said that the old Vhig lot in the Cabinet were very cold about the matter, and did not care to stand by Lows, as he is not one of the blue blood. Had he beena Grey or an Exxiort, he would not have been sacrificed in this summary fashion. However, that is the Cabinet’s business, and if it is strong enough to throw away its good cards without equivalent, let the e€ go on. . H. Bruce, Member for Merthyr Tydvil, succeeds Mr. Lowe, and has been re-elected. In his address to ‘his Welsh constituents he showed with much exultation that the Irish are an a’ wickeder than the Welsh, numbers of course duly allowed for. This is true; but then the Welsh live close to a civilised nation, the English, and have the benefit of the example of their neighbours. We must not be Pharisaical, my Cymry, although it is quite right to set a proper value on ourselves, my bounding goats of Snowdon. : : . ; To-day, Mr. Disrazut, in a strain of solemnity that might have befitted the impeachment of Lorp Patmerston for vay himself to Tartary or Tartarus, opened up the dreadful story of the Five Under- Secretaries. Let us at once allay the agitation of the county by stating that Lorp Patmerston owned his crime, but charged the other side with being accomplices, and that the fearful danger to the State has been removed. Sometimes it passes through our minds that Mr. Disrazxi has a noble ambition to be described in some brilliant aay novel of the next — “Lorp Runnymepe, the spark- ing sceptic, who believed in nothing except the British Constitution,

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178 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Arntt 30, 1864. and chiefly in that because he was its sole exponent in an age when men shud at first principles.” Tuesday. Garreatnt having decided on” ending his visit to England, much row arose among a certain class. It was not enough to tell them that GarrsaLpI, by no means recovered from a us wound, has to take care of himself, and that if he is killed in d he will never be able to do anything more for Italy. roared and splut: insisted on knowing better d resolutions, fo: lew him up for a by the North, it to Mr. Punch that it is not to but easily-misled GanrsaxpI sees but one phase A Wednesday. There was debate on a Bill Irish Grand Juries, but ee > ve rowtans Beene ty » 80 We need not bother e ’ y. GaRtBapt visited both Houses of Parli a . Beal of the Fisherman. top | ha the Oity, stop long, having to go into ity, Now he . at as good as To-night, while he was in the the CHANCELLOR an opportunity his measure 5 the Act is an admi one, but what yo if the themselves against it? And why should not the Solicitors set them- selves against it, seeing that the only way in which a skilful gentleman of that po can get fairly paid for his labour and brains is by means of long instead of short deeds;? A plan must be devised for remunerating a scientific gentleman on some other principle than that of the bill imto which he is forced to stick as many foolish items as possible. Some articles by Mr. Punch, at the ie the subject i agitation, enabled the CaaXcELior to carry his ill, and it is not im- probable that the famous tin box, lettered “ Ju re FonpLtsquaw,” may contain something else to the . In the Commons, after Mz, Giapstone’s GaRrBaLpI explanation, Mr. Smerman endeavoured to disturb the Fire Assurance . ment Propoeed by the Budget, and was defeated by 170 to 117. Afterwards an insidious attempt to convert the Committee on Mar. Guapstone’s Annuities Bill into a Shelf for that admirable measure was also defeated, after a little plain English from Pam. Friday. Lonp Dersy is resolved doing something for the veering classes who are e) from their homes by what Consett scoflingly called “‘ warst Improvements,” but which are improvements for all that. The Harl imsists that railways shall —— 7 aoe trains for taking the labourer to and from his work. is is not much to demand, w we consider the monopoly conceded to the railways. But the remedy will only meet the grievance. The — class want decent houses im ‘and not out of tewn, and the question o Block Colonies will come up sooner or later. In a Chinese debate, Mn. Lippe. clearly showed that we had done everything that was wrong, and Layaxp demonstrated as ly that we had done everything that was right, after which the topic got into the hands of Mz. FerRanp, and the House of course yawned and counted itself out. Saturday. Mr. Punch published his Tercentenary Number in honour of SHaksPEARE, whose birthday this either was or was not, most like the latter, firstly, because Babies are not usually christened on the third day, secondly, because New Style brings the alleged birthday to the 3rd of iy, and Isetly, because there was an east wind in spite of the heat, and Mr. Punch bad no inclination to march in processions, or do any- thing except contemplate with ecstasy his own magnificent picture of his own pearian procession. Meprtcat.—Miss Uvura wishes to know if the best writer u sore throats was Dz Quinszy? All we ean say is, as ustal, eonsult a P that | look SHAKSPEARE’S BIRTHDAY AS IT WAS KEPT IN THE WORKHOUSE. * Is the Union here? "—Hamiet. Sczunz — Inside of a Workhouse. Enter Beavis, with Followers, bringing in a Sirloin of Beef. ; ox-beef. all the milk that ox Sir? i cometh twice a-year this year, in Apel? sre wok whose birthday this is, 4th , ie Marry, Sir, I wish him many happy returns thereof, and more of them to ourselves, Sir. ort We shall Sit, atid heartily . Wes ‘ Beadle. In faith, that's well said. So now, fellows, fall to; and, you, here is a pot of ale for the nonce, to wash down your beef and pudding withal, and drink the memory of SHAKSPEARE. ts The memory of SHaxsrzaRE! Immortal; SHaKsPEARE ! ooray ! TEMPERANCE SHAKSPEARE. Duzive the course of last Sat s festivities, the juvenile mem- bers of the; Band of Hope payee with a Shakspearian Interlude, in which the principal characters were ted by 80 me likely | of the ieading mounte belonging to the Uni ingdom Alliance. a In olathe which is said to be the joint produetion wit Minoans. Somes and Lawson :— Palstaff abjares sack, and addicts himself to thin potations. Bardolph is sent to a hydropathic establishment to undergo the water- eure; an er rane 8 a Sir Toby Beich drinks tea with Malvolio, Christ for a eup of your Adam’s Ale. ' Cassio takes t. 3 Solicitor. Waar is the best thing to do in a hurry? Nothing.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aprix 30, 1864. Shwe NFERENCE 4 Ce Tm pool | / Pin ters ij y, SUSPENSE. (WITH MR. PUNCH’S APOLOGIES TO SIR EDWIN LANDSEER.)

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FAREWELL TO GARIBALDI. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Aprit 30, 1864, “TF WE DO MERT AGAIN, WE’LL SMILE INDEED; IF NOT, ’TIS TRUE, THIS PARTING WAS WELL MADE.”—Sitaksr£,ke.

WG WHA tees q Aloe CL ——., ee sre, << ZN 4 , te

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visibly and Seetel, tok > sala together ‘lant com, are and go n y t and mint sauce, beans and ducks and cored pe ew combinations, to be accounted for ronom pcinciples. is an obvious connection. nlldog and @ refica ike Brie Syxzs. pam may not see at first sight any similar fitness in the com- panionship between a pretty girl in hooped petticoats and a pug; but, to an esthetical eye, as is the bull-dog to the knee-tights of the burglar. so is the sng to the skirts of the belle, and the same relation extends to the jacks of the former and the Balmorals of the latter. Hoo a and pugs have the common property of ity, and which consists in ugliness. Accordingly, the ridiculous facion and the grotesque animals in question came in together, continued together, went out Ce. and reap; pear together. Hooped petti- coats are always in the peenons* both agree not only in not et auc, but eleo i in m not being useful, nay, on the contrary, in being i Ps subject to _hydropho bia, erinolines oecasion death by fire, are Be ly mstantly incurring the execrations and maledictions of men, Between your worse than useless crimoline and worse than useless cur there is a singular eoncurrence. Very significant, too, is the fact that acinaling finds its nateral corre: spondence i in creatures of the canine species ; for that evidently denotes to be an excrescence of female puppyism. * Except one, a friend of our Tohy.—Ep. eng ittriab Iv THe Atatanwack Monday, April %. Lion Hanting be i is cars iat 2 a variety of things, many of very Ra kinds, | huff. Apatt 30, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 183 ey am eee aan = BOTTOM’S DREAM. Arn—Rousseau’s. 1 will get Peter Quince to write a Ballad of this Dream.” z HIRLING mizmazes Joiners and ow with daisies, Imps of braleionaee here donkey grazes ; whones, cleavers, H Witch mh pecs broom ; _Trampets and gongs. orse upon rider, Mouth yawning wi Phantoms Ona and spider ; > rea brats squa é, nttle and loom. Pileerd and snake ; Snout wildfire ice Mosoiting, Thornbush and thi ut in Hedgenogs that bris gy on, ee elihie i per w Tail round the moon; the b Meteor and comet, Beard of Mahomet, graven, Whale, that ple vomit pechy ten - wa r Friar in cowl; Some ween & Thee Hand of lory,* Fish and hohees, Face _ and gory, Bat, am tly to see Nichter 8 and owl. Razor, triangle, Fetters ne jangle, Goalie, horned cattle, “he oe Watchdog with rattle, Corpses in shrouds ; pearing: fiddle, Skeletons moeing, Sphine with a riddle, Peasblossoms blowing, ool in the middle Coming and going ape around ; Apes in the clouds. Lord Bop tance Lightning: — Big at toe po aed Fathomless wonder, Where nig! htmares teem ; Elf-ships and sailors, Pork chops are 2 stated Tinkers arid tailors, One to have sated ; , Blacksmiths and nailers, He was translated : i Hammer and tongs ; ; He saw Bottom’s Dream. e ee ter eee implement of mediseval burglar. CURS AND CRINOLINE,. THE SHAKSPEARE oman THe Bias ctitic of the Cremorne Dog Show says in # judicious Pook Mrz. Frowzn, the Mayor of panager of the notice of that interesting exhibition SHAKSPEARE féfes — — = anything but pes lf transplanted He must have wishe vg nyoe ge where they viet with which, Hooanra bag made us 7 ive become “= able have potted him, for Any clearly not been li a bed of roses. be cays of Guten bs Ferinttias-~ase here i a - First one Hamlet failed him, and Aeaghg: another ; wad when he had se as log, nahn what Se fancy hs Io anne at not come to terms with a Juliet in place of them, alack-a-day! the other “leading lady” he relied on sent in her resignation, and left him in a Well, let us trust that nevertheless the Shakspeare Flower Show = succeed and bear abundant golden fruit. One might Pry hoped that actors, when requested to do ho to the memory of SHaksPzaRz, ne | would’ not have let their private j hurt the public Willem, As the Flower Show at Stratford was meant solely for was certainly unseemly to show any London Pride at it. fawere” e repeat, we hope it may succeed, and that tenis Mr. Fioweg, who is the very pink of courtesy, will not in any knocked to pieces by the show, a ot carey, Tl Lnenine Condition of the oad oft AN IRISH QUESTION. In the Parliamentary Intelligence of the Times it is thus printed :— iat Sapet weet 8 2S 8 to the Cnaxorrion oF nus Exoueguen | Yelative to the r he had just honourable + rh apie bho thi fecling of the Mob iis of gland represented te ealing of the t ple of ireland ii abject Cater) did he recommend him not to go to a? leontioned laughter). Was the honourable gentleman, whose utterly i ome me anaations addressed as above to the Cuaxcnsiap “ laughter,” and “ continued laug Ms. Vixcunt Be Bovitt or Mn. Num Scui? or both? > €rry Inrecii¢avex.—Should the lutn for decayed Bill. Brokers, Jobbers, and others on th ned Aaa built, it will probably be at Stock-holm,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Arem 30, 1864. OTHELLO ON CRINOLINE. “Tr 1s THe Cavse! Ir 1s THe Cause!” SINFULNESS OR SWIPES. . La speech on the Burial Service, the Rev. R. Seymour, on his legs in the Lower House of Convocation, is reported to have cited the case of a clergyman, the Vicar of St. Giles, Cambridge, who, some years ago, had been suspended for refusing to bury a parishioner who had been found dead in a ditch the morning after he had been last seen turned out of a public-house in a drunken state. According to the Post, the reverend speaker said, with reference to this unfortunate man— “ Let them strike out all the service but the Bible Lesson and the Lord’s Prayer, and even then it would not be a fit service for such a sinner.” “Hear! hear!” from the assembled parsons. Hear what? Sueh a sinner? So very great a sinner? How does Mr. Seymour know that? Is he prepared to say that the deceased died of mere excess; of drinking more than the equivalent of a clerical quantity of sound port? May not the man have been merely the victim of bad beer? Can Mr. Szymour take upon himself to say that this same sinner was not “more sinned against than sinning?” APRIL GARDENING FOR POLICEMEN, Procure some of the old-fashioned Bow Street Runners, and train them over your windows. A very pretty effect. Caz-Law.—If a Cabman or Organ-grinder is impertinent, you may - eet him up,” without being lisb le to the penalties of false imprison- ment. PUFFING AND PLAY BILLING. Piay-BILL and Puff used once to be synonymous; and though we have reformed the practice in part, we have not reformed it alto- gether. Managers still blow their own trumpets in their own bi!!s more loudly than good taste justifies. We have not quite to see empty benches in the theatre transformed into “crowded houses,” in the bill; and very flat fiascos figuring away, in large letters, as “ brilliant successes.” “Great hit” might still be translated every now and then out of bill-fiction into treasury-fact as “miserable miss.” In short, farewell performances are not the only ones as to which the bill of the play is not yet quite reliable. But besides being a stage for managers to blow their trumpets from, the play-bill has another function. It is the pedestal for the actor—that unplumed peacock—to spread his tail on, and admire himself, in all the glory of single lines and big letters. Woe to the manager who dares bracket Mr. Bettows, the eminent tragedian, with Mr. Smaxi-Bongs, the walking gentleman, or to print the name of the great GricsBy, that popular low-comedian, in type no larger than that which sets out the name of Mr. Fums xz, the second old man. Rival eminences and — in a theatre are ganged and marked, ticketted and tested by primer and pica, and the lines of demarcation between the histrionic upper-ten and rag-tag and bobtail are drawn by “double-leads,” “rules,” and “s ‘ws t Gol Where manager and popular actor meet in the same body, it is no wonder if the play-bill become too small for these two very great gen- | tlemen rolled into one colossus. And in the exact proportion that the name of Mr. or M. Swaaeer grows bigger, those o: . or M. SWAGGER’s unhappy company dwindle, and grow less; till the ¢roupe is reduced to the dimensions of the smallest possible rushlights. that scarcely dare even to twinkle in the blaze of the great central star. Of course if the rushlights have any power of shining the central star quietly appropriates their light, and revolves on his own ‘axis with immense pleasure to himself, though not always with the same satisfaction to his employés or the public. But of all odious forms in which this selfish assumption has lately taken to show itself, there is one quite new, and that puzzles us. e learn that on such a night, Mr. Swaceer will appear (in all the distinction of large -capitals), sayyeas Bottom, supported Messrs. CypHer, Samant, Noxsopy. Tworenny, Haurrenny, and Mespames Sny, Stitt, AsPEN, and Quivsr, &c. {all in the humility of the smallest type). _ How Mr. Swaccer comes to be supported by actors so immeasurably | inferior as his company appeat to be in his eyes, we are at a loss to | understand, unless it be that he is supported by them in the sense of | getting on to their shouldersymaking them pedestals for his own eleva- tion, and stepping-stones on his own way to success and fortune. Or it may be that Mra. Swaceer, in describing himself as “supported by” Messrs. Crpner, Samat & Co., means to confess that he is kept | on his legs by their services. In whichever sense the word is used, whether as an avowal of cool | assumption or humble demerit, it is too candid. Weshould recommend | our stage Swaccers to trust more to their plays and less to their play- bills, more to their theatrical achievements and less to their tricks of | type, more to the voice of genuine criticism and less to the sonorous blasts of their own brazen trumpets. They may be sure that as “‘ good wine needs no bush,” so good acting aaa no pee and that if their art be tricky and their triumphs hollow, mot all the self-laudation and | self-assertion that can be worked by forty-bill-sticker off the day of detection, or avert the hour of downfall. The jackdaw will be plucked bare of his peacock’s. feathérs, though he spend twenty hours out of the twenty-four in contemplation of his | borrowed tail, and have half succeeded in persuading himself, by dint of assuring the public, that the feathers are his own, and that nobody else has any right to wear them. power will ward | SHAKSPEARE AND SCIENCE. Once, when Mr. Bucxstone was performing Lear, at D: with Ma. Paut Beprorp in the part of Ldgar, on his in his usually impressive style, of that sublime passage— * First let me talk with this philosopher :— What is the cause of thunder?” a precocious little girl, aged nine, the daughter of Mrs. CRAMMER Heap, exclaimed to her mother, loud enough to be heard all over the house :—“ Dearest Mamma, I can tell. It is the vibration of the par- ticles of the atmosphere occasioned by the instantaneous transition of the electric fluid.” Lane, elivery, Horrible ! An Illiterate Carpenter was the other day “arrested upon his own written confession. In a letter to his wife he had said that, “ he d been to the Heastun Countess Stashun to catsh a train, when Ae saw’d his frend in two.”

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Pls sane, very, (MER r the on of me ss Apri 30, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 185 MT Md q) / ) WW") is Wy S Ki WY WH. ‘ Mh My Thy} A, ASSES AT CANTERBURY. How SHAKSPEARE was commemorated ‘at Canterbury, we don’t know; but the Kentish Chronicle thus tells us how he has been slighted there :— . “Tae Sir Joun Farstarr Inn, Canrersury.— Canterbury has itself in the eyes of the literary world at a time when all nations are to do honour to the name of our immortal SHAKSPEARE. terbury Pavement Seat ae eae ma- jority of one! have decreed the removal of Sir John in that city. For nearly a century has the sign been suspended by hand- some iron-work before an inn at the west entrance to the city, near the Westgate towers. It is but just to say that all the thinking and intelligent members of the its removal. As a proof of the obtuseness of one of the Dogberrys who voted for its being taken down, he was heard to say that ‘ SHaKsPEARE’s works were rubbish.’ ” No doubt there are more people who, like the Dog- berry above alluded to, think SHaksPEARE’s Works are rubbish, than are dreamt of in your philosophy of human nature. All the Dogderrys hate SHAKsPEARE in their hearts, from a dim consciousness of stupidity which makes them dully sensible of having been vidiouled in the characters of Dogberry, and Verges, and Shallow. The Can- terbury Pavement Commissioner who calls. the works of SHAksPEARE “ rubbish,” has Dogberry’s wish fulfilled, for Mr. Punch has the greatest pleasure in recording him as the animal which his proto desired himself to be written down—an ass as great as any in Canterbury, and that is saying ee a great deal more than what Dogberry wanted to be booked. SHAKSPEARE IMPROVED. . To Mr. Punch. IR, : I wEnt, the-other ing; to Drury Lane to see | Henry IV-, and it struck-me that Sx missed | capital t in that pla here Falaiefy in Act vin lying capital point in that play, where > in v., is down, pretending to killed, whilst Prince He A ond a speech over the body of Hotspur. Addressing his slain antagonist, the Prince says :— “ The earth, that bears thee dead, Bears not alive so stout a gentleman.” Great Unrecognised. “Tati me, Horatio!—or raTHER, I sHOULD saY, BiLL— | Here I should have introduced the following improvement: DON’T YOU THINK THERE’S A GOOD DEAL OF GAMMON ABOUT THIS TERCENTENARY | “Falstaff (raising his face, to the audience). Don't it, though!” ’ uence, - ’ AFFAIR? Tas WANT OF HAMLETS, TOO, I Fancy I KNOW A PARTY BETTER THAN | ALL your KEeMBLEs, OR MacreEaDys, OR FECHTERS.” Bill. “Hag! anp I tarnk I covuLD TELL ’’EM WHERE TO FIND A VERY DIFFERENT RoMEO TO ANYTHING THEY ARE LIKELY TO GBT.’ GREAT NEWS! GLORIOUS NEWS! An Clisatethan Masque. For THE TERCENTENARY OF SHAKSPEARE. The Scene was * Tue Exystan Frewps set thick with’ Asphodel, shaded by fair groves, wherein birds sang sweetly, and cooled by runnels of bright water, while far off was a prospect of high hills, in the midst whereof the two-peaked Parnassus. Therein, at the opening of the Masque, was discovered SHAKSPEARE seated ona mossy bank, set with violets, wild thyme, eglantine and musk-roses ; around him a company of the stage Poets of all countries in their proper habits, wearing garlands of bays. These were Aiscuy1vs, SopHoctes, Evuripiwes, ARISTOPHANES, MENANDER, PLAUTUs, TeRENcE, CALDERON, Lore pE Veca, Martowsz, Ben Jonson, Wesster, Forp, Pere et, GREENE, Massincer, BEAUMONT AND FietcHer, Ractye, CorNneinue, Mo.itre, Conereve, Van- BRUGH, Farquyuar, GoLpsMITH, SHERIDAN, GorTHE, SCHILLER, Scrrz, TaLrourD, Know es, and many others. - They gathered in ranks before SHAKSPEARE, and presented him with this HYMN. (Full Chorus.) Hail! thou in whom the several graces join _ Of us who stirred men’s reverence, griefs or joys ; Our best brain-metal minting into coin, Gold, silver, iron, brass, and their alloys ; * If our readers ask why our S! rections are in the past tense, all we can say itage-dii is, that so were Rare Ben Jonsow’s in his Masques ; and as Elizabethan is the word, we follow the fashion. But SHAKsPEARE was not funny. Tam, All Fools’ Day, 1864.. A Truxx Comic Dramatist. Shakspeare, Nay. | sorry wearing, be they of gold or green-leaves. I trow ’twere hard to say which hide " (Here all with reverent act made as they must needs do him homage. Shakspeare. But why to-day of all days? Here have I been these three hundred years, and have fared well enough with no such music, and no such moppings and mowings, and no crowns neither, but this bald one that tiles in mine own brain-pan. That never yet felt lack of Thy brain.a continent all mines containing, _ That breeds all metals without waste or waning, Red gold, ~ silver, brave brass, iron strong— And, mixe The dross of word-play, quip and crank and rhyme— The rude and heavy matrix of thy time— The ore wherein thy bedded metal lay, As diamond in rock, or gold in clay. We great in one, thou great in every, sort ! For terror, mastering our tragic masters ; For mirth, beyond our chief lords of disport ; Microcosm, rounding life’s joys and disasters ; A central eye that sun-like looks on all ‘And wakens life where’er it chance to fall ! Our master SHaxsPEARE! At thy feet adown We bow the heads, before which others bow ; And offer thee of all our crowns a crown, And Lords ourselves, thee for our Lord avow ! these noblest elements among, (Here they bowed reverently, and laid their crowns of bays — SHAKSPEARE, who smiled graciously, but with a pleasant gesture waived their reverence. nay, masters. I’ll no crowns—they are but s the more aching foreheads Heaven be thanked, that gave me an easy mind, and other ink of than mine own greatness ! PAL,

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186 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Aram 30, 1864,

== = Ben Jonson. What gear; W111. ?—what gear ? Shakspeare. My plays and my parts, and my shares and my player fellows, first, Master Bex,—thou knowest vel was enough there for the best brain to carry, without what was to come, when the play was over, the traverses drawn, the dresses locked up in the tiring-room, and the — put away with their bravery, for the worms tay hn Bt A Loki nad the: Court, the € . And then, w was well London Court, the Side and oanden the play-writers and players— Boavee be Cenne od for that latter quittance !—and came back to mine. wn Stratford, had I not m way ted nd my pall ond ay | ene fam 7 crofts : ude ad By : see to, New. wen merry oS ear on them a eer and Bursace woul I had enough to do, I rn without gauging mine own ore. ness ; and, an I had See Sinee Sy ry te about it ? Pen Jonson. Ab, thou wert always a ; careless of the file; and wouldst "let what knave "verses with printing. But as thou wert, thou wert sou an us brave heart—ay, were we ten times coun Here, take my crown— not been so ready to give it thee, in the:days we _cans at the “ Mermaid.” — Take it, prythee. Marlowe. And mine! There’s blood on it . . . but you’ll pardon that Goethe. And mine} Marlowe. Yours, Master Gortus!". . . (Here he looked angry, and laid his hand on his da -haft.) There was a Faustus, 1 would ave you ge hag the Us at hs paste of Lt fag Spann g be ining re. Na interposed, smiling), an_it come to s let who will his crown . . . 1 was an arrant thief ever, mig the days | stole worshipful Six Taomas Lucy’s deer, down to my end—Apollo pardon me!—that I d Master Nort his Bhutan for my Roman plays. ... So if every man must to his own again, take my bays among you. (Here he took off his crown, as if about to throw it among them. Ali, Nay .. . nay! Not yours to us, but ours to you! [Here they offered their crowns again, which SuaxsPEaRE put from him with courteous gesture. As they entreated and he resisted, ~— in ye par et asa og ee ager with serpents for a wings on his hump, before an behind, and his cap furnished with wings for a petasus. Punch. Roo-too-it! Great news! Glorious news!! Second. edi- tion!!! Great news! Glorious news! ! Ben Jonson, What noisy yarlet is this? He should be Mereury by his habit, but his nose is Roman, or, by’r lady, Rabelaisian rather, and for his Shakspeare. ‘Dis Master Punch .. . 1 know him well. . . of infinite jest, of most rare fancy . Punch. Roo-too-it! Great news! Glorious news ! [Here he paused, and put his Singers to his nose . Ben Jonson chid him angrily. Ben Jonson. You filthy knave, know you no reverence ? [ Whereon Master Puncn took a Ady ny a a Bey, and then his Jace settled into gravity, and he put and bells, and laid it reverently, with his bdton, at the ak of SHAKSPEARE. Punch, Great. news, oh mighty Master . .. from the upperavorld, and all about you / Have the Germans ceased to find mare’s Shakspeare. About me/ nests in my plays? Punch, Certainly not. They are as great in that quest as ever, and are training English hunters to the same game, as Sussex peasants train truffle-dogs. Shakspeare. 1 am sorry for it. A little more good actin and less idle writing about ra were more Germane to Goethe. Nay. MM ord for my countrymen oethe. Nay, Master . . one Ww my Shakspeare. ‘Too many German words, methinks, ‘MasTER Gorrue, already. (ites he foveal to Master Pounca.] But — pees! ? Punch. England has discovered how great a wit it ; ao Umph! If it have taken England three aa years o that . Punch. Better late than never. Your countrymen—with the excep- tion of Dean Oxosz—are bent on your memory, on this the three-h th anniversary of your birth. Shakspeare. But yey the three-hundredth, more than the two hun- dred and ninety and nmth, Master Punch? Why this year more than an he os three hundred, for that matter ? ial eee er. vered that my country’s lo lacking a og isco my s love was were churlish to s es res so they show it ity Are they abou bo at my lays moe they have done unch. he contrary, many of in doing a fellow . which perceiving, ing of my plays, the matter. ill} the

<< yon honour cry out on plays, count players Sons of Belial, and hold the stage as the ante-chamber to Tophet. such worshippers. “But Shakspeare. Methinks I could well the pedestal for an gine vanity, or you do still act my plays among you? Punch. When they =, be the pretext for a manager’s sensation-scene, the peg whereon to hang a fine show, or the field for fighting a big battle. and Black-| Shakspeare. Is it even so! A the Globe and Blackfriars I could too—to my tragedies, comedies, , and a half-dozen BurBaGes om TAYLORS draw the Court—and the gro ol s, with a Pgh wardrobe, a i But for your actors . Syne r ench ? did not use to speak our a does he now, But Jomm Buux is content to take his ish tae seems to love your musi¢ best when ground rench organ, . 0 i honouring of me! But what say actors te such ) AA, over-sea ? abe bie pute camaas to ete in Zeense : the little case, ope must act bo aa . , eat, like your own ‘eat end eke \ ae are the hy the ears! Said I not well ? T cops [og Sing loft me — 4 But your worship must look beyond the theatre. It is not there the reverence for 8 is to be found now-a-days. It is nd| our mon of les wo bare ombined to pay You honour ROW ite Panel een be ceartcliae ibe’ the . Ber unch. Even by quarrelling the actots. . en cities con- tended for the honour of 's birth: two fight over the honouring Stratford. Neither Committee strings of and together, and them, dil t memory is to be i Shakespeare. “A custom,—more honoured in the breach than the observanee.” Go on— Punch, Celebrated in entertainments . . . Shakspeare. Over which the actors go to loggerheads, and the con- trivers fall to fisticuffs. What next? Punch. Recorded i in monuments . Shakspeare. A “ fixéd figure for the hand of scorn to point his slow unmoving finger at!” Continue. Beyond this lowest deep what lower deep? . Punch. You are to be immortalised _in‘an ode by Martin Farqunar UPPER! [Here SHAKSPEARE shuddered, and straightway fell into a swound ; the poets groaned, and covered their ——o with their hands ; an earthquake shook Parnassus, whose peaks were seen to collapse as if in an inward agony; "Master Puncu stood melancholy, but unshaken. Anp so Eypep THE Masquz.

BISHOP OF LONDON’S BIRD’S EYE. an the Bisuor or Lonpox, on the Judgment of the Privy Conmal and the Oxford Declaration :— “* We find that even young Clergymen in the first er of their ministry have been appealed to ‘for the love of God’ to protest against the decisions of the highest authority in Church and State, and some uncharitable and unchristian sentiments have been published in the heat of controversy. “ Wise men always deprecate such times of agitation. Leaders of questionable orthodoxy are apt LJ themselves forward, and have their own serious faults condoned as the reward of their zeal for the protest of the hour.” Dx. Pusey and ArcupEacon Denison are respectfully recom- mended, each of them, to put that in his pipe and smoke it,

Rhymes to Convocation. Goosgy, goosey, gander, Where do you wander? Up- or Down-s In Ji ten Chamber.

WHO CAN Say? Att the world is ba xy: ing why the Duxz or SutTH#ERLaNp is to have the vacant Garter? Is it on, aceount of his devotion to the Fire Brigade and the (Water)-hose ? A Senrorent ror TERCENTENARY SprzcHzrication (ix Lonpon). —The Swan of Avon and the Geese of Thames !

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ittle eke ell ? t is con- ring ttee mes bear rour the low phat HAR nd ; , an apse oly, have hest ents able wults om- ave Fire N), Mar 7, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 187 / Ka gy. 7 A | “IN VINO VERITAS.” Customer. “ Puzasx, Str, I want a Borriz or Satin’ Port.” Tradesman. “‘ My DEAR, WE HAVE NOTHING IN PORTS AS LOW AS A BUT,—WE’VE SOME DELICIOUS DAMSON aT 15d., AND IT’S MUCH THE SAME THING.” LOGIC AND LIFE ASSURANCE. Paper on the Government Annuities Bill, commending it as a whole, was read by Mr. M. N. Apuzr, of the Alliance Assurance Company, a gentleman who may ae. eupgante to have known something of what he was talking about. Another gentleman, a Mz. Hopeg, said :— “ He objected to the Bill on ‘the broad principle that the Govern- such matters. . . Lif ment had no right to interfere in ‘ le Assu- rance was as much a business as brewing, or any other industrial occupation; and he contended that, although 'y Societies worked badly, Government had no right to their business upon its hands, any more than to turn wers bad beer was brewed.” Mr. Hones also made the assertion that :— “ Asa rule working men were not provident, and they could not be made so by Act of Parliament.” Then, Mr. Hopes, they will not insure in the Govern- ment Assurance Office: and if so, how will Government interfere with the business of Life Assurance? Does not your confident argument, Mr.’ Hopes, against the mea- sure proposed by Mr. of personal assurance rather than that of knowledge about any other? You cannot, at any rate, insure contradictory premises against leading to opposite conclusions. | For the Use of Schools. The Gorgons.—These were three Terrible Sea Monsters, poy pmver rf some spot in or near the Oceanic Isles. hey are described as serpent: fleeced and of amet: hideous to the beholder. On the decline of Heathen Mythology— which is now, of course, as much your-thology as my- thology—the Gorgons settled down in a small fishing village, og a= called Gorgona, and gave themselves up to the pleasant manufacture of the brated Anchovies. Here please insert advertisement,—which we shan’t.—Ed. ACADEMICAL, with ly be entitled The Roman and the Teuton. His next boo some general remarks on Dr. NEwmay, will pro The Roman and the Tutor. SHILLING ; PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. April 2th, Monday. On the previous Saturday, birthday of the divine Wittiams, certain working men met at Primrose Hill, to see Mn. Puetps, the t confirm the plantation of an oak which had been taken from another part of the Park, and which was set up in its new locality in honour of “The rock, the Oak not to be wind-shaken.”—Coriolanus. This having been done, and some verses by Miss Ex1za Coox having been delivered by Dr. ‘Westtanp Mansron, and some water from the Avon having been splashed over the tree, and the people, according to the Committee, having proceeded to push and poke and pat the tree, in order to promote its growth, the Divine WiLL1aMs was dismissed, and another meeting was held. This was a meeting of wrath. It was intended to signify the disapprobation of one BEAgs, a revising barris- ter, and some other folk, at GariBaLpr’s having taken the liberty to go away to Caprera sooner than was expected. But, unluckily, general instructions have been left with the police to the effect that as the Parks are places for recreation, party meet: are not to be held there. So, a policeman intimated to the discontented Bearzs that he must not spout there. The hint was followed up by the approach of a strongish y of Peelers, and the anti-Garrpatpr demonstration was somewhat promptly abbreviated. ‘To-night, Sm Gzorce Grey, being inter- on the subject, said that he had known nothing about the GaRrBaLpI meeting—thought that, under the circumstances, BEALES & Co. might have been allowed to say out their say, but that as a rule the Parks were not to be used for such purposes. Considering that the other Park was rendered inaccessible to the public the other day by reason of a furious fight between the Catholics and the Garibaldians, quiet folk have a right to request that folks will do their politics some- where else. But the Primrose Hill grievance will be wohed for some time to come. The House sat late, but the only measure of interest was one for reforming the Irish Court of Chancery, which is said to be a horrible Augean stable. Resistance is made to the Bill, and it is thought that to that peculiar invention, the Irish mind, there is something rather plazing in the old Chancery system, that always works by fits and starts, never quite finishes anything, “depends” so much upon extraneous aid, and usually comes to an abrupt halt for want of means. The new plan is to get rid of the Taxing Masters, to create a Vice- os and two Chief Clerks, and to assimilate the practice to that of England. Tuesday. Str CANNIBAL TaTToo gives us a deal of trouble. To-night long speeches were made about the war in New Zealand, and the way we ought to treat the natives. false position, and must make the best ofit. The New Zealanders have found. out that a small nation of savages must be gradually improved off the face of the earth by the settlement of white men in the territory, and instead of accepting the situation and resigning themselves to their fate, which we would make as easy as we could for them, if they would only be quiet, they revolt, as we it, and propose to expel us. As this, of course, is flying in the face of Civilisation and Progress, they at Ar a late Meeting of the Institute of Actuaries, a | | | | LADSTONE, evince the specialty | | Proressor Kryestxy’s last collection of Lectures is | as to | The fact is, that we are in a | once become outlaws and criminals, and in the interest of humanity we | must bring them to a proper sense of things. The colonists are for doing things very abruptly, and have passed a strong Confiscation Bill, and our gallant soldiers are doing their best to enlighten the New Zealand mind. The falsity of our position will be rectified in a few ears by the absence of all who should challenge it, but those who ow the progress of this colony will not paint its early history in very glowing colours. Mr. Liypsay again asks for Harbours of Refuge. Sm Srarrorp Norrucore proposes that they should be paid for by Tolls on Shipping, so the mercantile interest knows what to expect from Lorp Dexsy’s Chancellor of the Exchequer. The House rejected both propositions, and it is alleged that such harbours would simply be places of renee for “inferior shipping,” whose interests the nation ought not to be called on to protect. We do not think the argument antine, but the country will not pay for more harbours, ,and is grateful for any colourable plea in support of its resoluticn. VOL. XLVI. ° v

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188 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Mar 7, 1864,

Wednesday. Mx. Newpecare tried to pass a Bill for ing the Church-rate ouention He had a. gooddeal of pains with it, and po ark in earnest in eres the cry a but: he. co 60 adherents, and Sie, Ha ra tho eape tha tine Beaten cri eieattes ta | had a Bill hem to have more nots, bait was opposed Mr. ore and b Giapstong, who enunciated a | Smr Rosert Peet's, whieh we shall quote, | currency bereys tor & “Tssue ought to be the reaplalion, free, and depend absolutely competition.” | as bya Stator: bythe heel slain ghdieee, by the othe — shane Oy ve oe ee anata the other, the existi BL delivered a 8 the most comic ae Punch has heard. a discussion oe the Insh ri ot oo ARCHDALL accused them of poaching: when they had a chance. red Sr Rosert, old Sim RoBert’s som, « >: would put it to hon. Members if they had not all of _ made free with Se aeanek vache eager) tad they were a this moment ane | bration yoat th the SHAKSPEARE, who was himself a moment engaged The arent ri ok of ee Sim Ropeer Pest in a Mi | is the t. thing that od ms ae ever pe | Talk o cama dibnondietiedoeandibeent Thursday. The Lords a Bill for iadiicting ee'penishmeabet | whipping in the case of certain misereants, Lorp Grey giving the Judges another severe reprimand. The Bill for giving a canonry to the Greek org aed at wo Me — ‘ Greens Time, ations ' stating that it was gen approved by the Universi course it is, but what can the University do against a rash - frantic country | of ean pore ee . B 7 ti 4, into) Sea EWI was Sevan ee and! wage i ee The case is one of th yhard ones which seem to demand:co: ion. Mr. Diesy Szrmour very properly callediattention to the violation of the Act for prohibiting the sending little chimneys. The cruelties of the system ager tow: loathsome to bodwelt upon. Sentimental and pious ladies ‘to societies for converting little Hottentots to usingy imflaenee: to suppress these atrocities committed upon white little: eliildrem: afi ——. Yet Lorp Suarrespury is interested in the ‘questiom-—if/the Exeter Hall ladies do.not care much about the Chilcceens Sp senna sates to that serious nobleman. Interference is p os

A BEGGING LETTER FROM A BLUECOAT BOY. Purase, “Sir, Mr. Pune: will you just go in an have a shy at our old Go- vernors, and salen, Seams shengnounthonan dress like ot Shout like gan those go about like in those old stupid stuffy go which st stick so to our legs that we have to tuek ’em up ba * wt) whenever we foot- and as for fly-the- , We never can pla that, for if you try it wit 7 == a gown on, you are safe — = to come to grief. And then in summer time you . know our gowns are | beastly hot and heavy, and cling about one so that of course one can’t play at, even if we Ky a playground big enough to play it in, which you know we haven’t. o Jon wouldn’t see so many of us staring through the gs an ing awful wretched, when you pass our school. I remember you once made a sketch of one of us in Crinoline, which | you thought the Governors perhaps would recommend for us, if the meant that we should dress more in the style of modern fhahions, Ps | not be togged out in the uniform of centuries ago. I think if we wore Crinoline, our gowns would look so foolish that the Governors would | a | let us take to — coats and jackets the same as other fellows, and | then perhaps we mig t leave off those bands, which make us look like | ns parsons, and those beastly yellow stockings which we all of us | sob Fellows who know SHaksPzaRE say he makes a chap in some ie a big fool of himself by wearing yellow ee and as soon know Greek I mean to hunt that passage up and turn it into | jakion, and send it as a Valentine for our Governors to see. There was a story out last Christmas that they meant to change our dress, but | all they ’ve done has been to give us black serge knickerbockers instead of our old corduroy knee-breeches, and they haven’t even changed the colour of our stockings, which at ~~ they, might hang do. JUVENAL says that poverty makes chaps look E ridioul culous, an e had but | seen our gowns and yellow stockings, I’m sure he and i 1. said that charity does the same. You know they call our big boys “ Grecians ;” and if the nw let ’em dress like Greeks, they’d look much better’ than they Greek fellows wear petticoats, but these ain’t so as ye Ros "for they are ever so much shorter and don’t drag so at your knees. If we were togged like Greeks we should not look a bit more un-English than we now do, and a Greek costume is ever so m mer than ours is. OWNS, | Resides, our Grecians would wear caps if they were drest like Greeks ; and that would be a comfort, if but to keep one’s h don’t a bit mind going with one’s head bare in the country ; but one sees such dust and smuts in London that one wants to have it covered ; though I don’t quite know but what I’d rather go bareheaded than wear those beastly chimney-pots the Eton fellows do. So please, now, Mr. Pusch, do just poke up our old Governors, and make them let us dress like ‘Christians ; and if you put this letter in, you must print some extra copies, for [ mean to buy a couple, one to send to our head-master and one to keep myself. So believe me your affectionate young friend, Avausrvus Buozss.

P.S. Couldn’t you make a picture of one of our old Governors togged q | out in our school uniform, and trying to play leapfrog, and so_being | tripped up by his gown and coming whack upon his nose? If you could, it would be prime fun; only mind and make him ugly, and with awful, skinny legs. P.S. You ought to ere a coloured crewing him, so as to show his yellow stoekings ; and if you make him t g down, he should have bloody nose and a jolly good black eye.

* THE FLOWER THAT IS BORN TO BLUSH UNSEEN.”

RIDDLE FOR MR. NEWDEGATE, M.P. Wary is the mouth of a conundrum-utterer like a Nunnery ? Because it is a Con-vent.

Nor Mx. Brower, Mayor of Stratford-on-Avon, on the Tercentenary | of the 23rd.

} | } | | | } | |

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BOGOR PReeranme * i} May 7, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 189 | NOT 100 MILES FROM H-MPT-N O0-RT PLE. ‘Tna—Sunday Afternoon. WoULD IT “NOT APPEAR 4S IF THIS TRUCULENT ForETGNER Was_ OFFERING SOME DIRE INDIGNITY TO THE NOBLE RESIDENT IN THE | P—.L—cE, WHEREAS HE HAS MERELY ASKED HER TO INDICATE ZE ROUTE OF ZE Maize. HORRIBLEOUTRAGE BY HEBREWS. Reaty, Messrs. Noses & Sun _ if the sun burns your noses, we can’t help it), this is coming it a little—well, shall we be elegant, like your costhumeth, and say this is going “the whole hog?” Punch would not have ventured on such a similitude for the world, for polite- | ness is his essence and nature, but you began it. Very properly taking | advantage of the jomania to give yourselves a good puff, you have issued a not Seas eae in which the poet’s mention of | various articles of dress is to lead up to the usual statements in | reference to your toggery warehouses. But your author has the indis- cretion to promulgate his and your anti-Christian feelings in a way | which is really too much for us, addicted as we are to bacon at break- fast. Speaking of Suaxtrnnets name, you say :— “ What’s in a name f—a rose by any other name would smell as sweet ’’—but the world does see something in a name, and would be sorry to designate so imperial a | genius as SHAKSPEARE, by an it or vulgar cognomen, such, for instance, as Mr. Pic, Mr. Hocsyiesu, or Mr. Diseciovr.” , Well, SHaxsPEARE might have been called Mosxgs, and even then we should have admired his works. But what do you mean by vulgar names? Did you never hear of Lorp Bacow, or of Hoe the Ettrick Shepherd, or of Ham in David id? But this is not your point. You wish to display your bigoted hatred to us oppressed Christians, and we won’t stand it. You leave SHaxsPzare alone. He never took much pains to.say anything for you. With his fine art, he humanised Shylock, in order to make his avarice and cruelty come out more strongly, but W. 8. hasn’t a word for you in any of his , and + es never me anything me it m5 e took it out in N ere ’s no g vulgar in “ ig.” or “ ogsflesh been called “ Disuciovr,” the Commentators ‘ clearest manner that it was'a corruption of DaisciorH, or the embroi- | dered cloth laid on the dais, or place of honour, and that he was de-| scended from Epwarp THE Fourtu’s upholsterer, Sm Amour (or | hammer) pe Daiscrorue. We are frizzling in far too furious a manner, at your insult to Swine, to descend to argument, but we beg to inform | so that in seeking to depreciate the most delightful of our meats, you | ve got the wrong Pig by Tail, and your intolerance shows how | e toleration conferred ” either, and if he had have shown in the | unfit you are to enjoy On you, in a sentimental moment, by PUNCH. | | WHAT TOBY THOUGHT AT THE DOOR OF THE | CONFERENCE-ROOM. The Vehm-Gericht of diplomatists’ doom. Toby sniffs at what runs on the floor, From the chink below the Conference-door. Toby doesn’t know what to think : It looks like blood, but he hopes ’tis ink. | Tony sits by the Conference-room, Toby listens, with ears on the watch The bland diplomatists’ whispers to catch, And the pointed pens that the foolscap scratch— But:somehow 7ody cannot hear, Such horrible sounds are in his ear Of ing cannon and bursting shells On the Schleswig fiords and the Schleswig fells; And the groans of the wounded, left to die ; And the wail of the houseless, forced to fly ; And the aeres ort x not y + mo S$ cra ‘to mo ~ For a shell that goes up must needs come down, And ’tis hap-hazard work bombarding a town, And sex and age are all one to a splinter, And ’tis ill-bivouacking in Schleswig-winter. And Toby thinks—of in Each in his gilt and-cushioned chair, With voices so soft and smiles so bland, And never a stain on ever‘a hand,— And wonders what wool they have in their ears, shat prevents Cate Semaiag the sounds he hears ; For heard, they never could sit So smi of speech, and prompt of wit, mg puzzles of war and peace, ~ ing that hell of ae to cease. ‘looking more close wet on the floor, That oozes and oozes under the door, Toby sees, as it seaks in the wood That the stain is not of ink, but blood ; For blood may by diplomate pens be shed ; And by protocols more than by bullets are sped ; And a are — to save, yet stand, With half of a heart, and a hesitant hand, When the tiger springs on his helpless prey, The tiger kills not more than they.— And Toby thought about German culture, And that, if man will play the vulture, Ere vulture’s folly he imitate. *T were well to remember vulture’s fate ; For vultures, when their feast they find, Will gorge themselves both deaf and blind, Till the wings are weak to lift the paunch From its carrion perch on scull or And, _— alike to fight or fly, They ’re knocked o’ the head by some sportsman sly, Whose skill in cooking,—ce n’est pas peu,— Can turn e’en vulture to pot-au-feu. More Celebrations. j AnotHER Tercentenary is announced—this time by the Serious | World. Catv died in 1564—just three hundred years ago. Now here is a celebration that may be said to be wanted, at least if the memory of Cavin is to be preserved at all, as sensible people are rather inclining to forget Catvin and a deal that he taught. The affair may be made very effective, as fireworks can appropriately be employed to an unlimited extent, and the affair may end with a splendid Cavin and Guy Fawxss festivals ? A Nigger Nut to Crack. |red-fire business of Canvin burning Serverus for heresy in 1533. | |Could not some arrangement be made for an amalgamation of the | Looker yar you, Massa Bonzgs, can yer gib dis child an answer to | “ dis ’riginal conundricum:—Why am ] Cuase’s “ greenbacks ” like de shoes wid pasteboard soles which Massa Lincoxn’s clothiers hab bin making for his troops? Eh, Sar? Yah! Yah! Yah! you gib | him up? Yah! Yah shoes. Yah! Yah! don’t you see him? Well den, Sar, you see dey | both am paper-issues, Yah! Yah! Had yer dat time, Nigger! } PRovERBIAL PurosorHy.—What’s done can’t be helped. Perfectly untrue when applied to a leg of mutton. ! Well den, Sar, it’s cause dey both am papery- |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (May 7, 1864.

Y Ly) tM, FA OY LY Wy Mp , My OEE. I] TT THAT EET) / Yf }} i} é/ / / AMMA MSE TO AAR ota 4 iy ! ddd LTT Yi] iil a | y ® a7 ),) ke cj YY VEZ My ’ y y/ ~~

0 ip y ~ oe > Pix fe SP ii l aa . 2! » i ~ a Lip UY NN) i —=

A TABLE D’HOTE AT PARIS. Attentive Swell (to elegant and fascinating American young Lady, who has been monopolising the adjacent Gentlemen all through dinner). “LET ME GIVE YOU SOME OF THIS” (handing Article of Dessert). Belle Américaine. “No, THANKS !—WELL, TEEN, A VERY LITTLE; FOR J Guess I’M PRETTY CROWDED NOW.” [Horror of Swells ; triwmph of neighbouring Female British Contingent.

As Nicnonas, the cruel Czar, Unscathed of human justice, went, So thou wilt go to yonder bar, Not as a small assassin’s sent. THE TEUTONIC ORDER OF VALOUR. Five Pirates, on a Monday morn, In front of Newgate lately swung. ’Mid yells of loathing, hate, and scorn, For some few murders they were hung. *Tis thus that common caitiffs swing, Who do but slay their two or three, Whilst tens of thousands doth a King, And goes unhanged and gallows-free. The blood shed in aggressive war, Which Kings consent to, or command, Think you that Heaven doth less abhor Than that which stains a cutthroat’s hand? *Tis murder foul on either part, But take this bauble, mimic shape, In little, of the Triple Tree, . And Noose, which evil Kings escape ; A testimonial; Sire, to thee. Oh! let it, as an Order, grace Thy breast, and merit, there display More than would well have earned a place With those men hanged the other day.

ARISTOGYMNASTICS.

As men will own in aftertime, No difference, to an honest heart, Except the greatness of the crime. Old dastard, who in selfish dread Of peril to thy tottering crown, Didst send the troops thou durst not head To batter a defenceless town. A sea of blood, which they have spilt Against thee cries to Judgment’s throne ! What doom on earth, for all the guilt Of Denmark’s ravage, can atone ? No, when thy spirit shall take wing, Air, in thy boots, thou wilt not tread, But shrieks of mangled Danes will ring, In thy mind’s ear, around thy bed. “The Countess pE G**** will have a dance in Carlton Gardens on the 6th.” So says the Post, and we do not see the slightest reason why a lady who is, we hope and suppose, in the full enjoyment of health and animal spirits, should not treat herself to a little dance round the gardens of her residence. We trust that old Watermneports, the gardener, will take care to have the walks properly swept from leaves, and if there are many slugs, he must throw them into the next garden. He has been spoken to once or twice about that heap of litter near the rolling-stone, and we are sure it will not be necessary to mention it again. The lady’s maid must and will be in attendance with a shawl, as, after exercise in the open air, a chill is undesirable. We trust that the CounTEss DE G**** will enjoy her little dance round the garden; and if she likes to take a skipping-rope, by way of change, we see no objection. As we are ap beng to by the publication of the paragraph, common politeness compels us to say that we strongly approve of bodies taking a/ fresco

amusement.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—May 7, 1864.

"TFT wwervrw@e«< = — vge

THE REWARD OF (DE) MERIT. KING PUNCH PRESENTETH PRUSSIA WITH THE ORDER OF “ST. GIBBET.”

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" PRR PF eH Be SBS ASS OW | ‘ Al

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Mar 7, 1864] ~ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ERECTED TQ THE MEMORY i or ‘THE LONDON NATIONAL TERCENTENARY COMMITTEE, APRIL 23, 1864, BY THEIR: FRIEND: AND COUNSELLOR, MR. PUNCH. WHO SHOULD PAY THE BOXKEEPERS ? ot Beng re paper complains, that at some theatres eed be the egg ren have acon — = fosters the ee ae under Sc virtue, or by vice rather, of their oo until what they call “ the > custom is a custom honoured vod lle and, like many another old should, for the public comiort’s sake, be forthwith, Not that, we would rob a poor boxkeeper of his beer that. he buys it with; but the shillings, we wo by the managers, and should not be extorted* from If managers pretend that they c so low t for servants to show the public into that the boxkeepers may be paid out Bog received, But this, we apprehend, there will us for doing. Many a person is d deterred from going 193 —_—_ often to a theatre b: Wo toe ot plagued and pestered by a SERENADE FOR SOMES. boxkeeper; and were this fast senoved, deaiiiaen would AU bers, with pretence increase, for ‘an aneure that tendato the ocanfort of the To a grain of common sense surely tend to d wy more people Re-the hoses, Moreover, man nay d “No what man one, may do what managers have mae 7 ur weeks bright one day, 0! To his honour, be it said, that Ween waa the rt 10 do, amay 1 der fr cee et eee ie Adelp Big, os sr wn in By the cindat of all Tae yey on a Sunday, O! seat by the cvillest of attendants, wh rho 9 hand yous yon aad exach end severe are forbidden e managemen: ea fee con- Te deme us nana beer, sequence of the i is, you are in the best of you, settle in All the interval from ‘to Monday, oO! your seat, and are in a thorough emda youl To deny a glass when you enter, you are pes for a: veh Wiew ag an. To forbid up-e’en to dine extortion, and grumble if you pay, you take our seal, preer to At an inn in an excursion on a Sunday, 0 ! — all through the evening, and to to grab at:amy pretext for getting up French free, e.. sure that fees to boxkelisies se wo be by, by thematic Pash eg one es ai e oi te wil gladly use : ms jgeee to ons ty mak — make them t Cross Bun Day, own to an applauding universe any mana wo e spies thelot he let them take th pot waite good sense to lotribute playbills gratis, toa ne to, hexkeepers, =) thereby to attract the public to-his house, ——— & BREAK-DOWN IN THE ORCHESTRA. Sunsonven is a letter which appeared the other. day inthe: Orchestra. Tt. maybe thoughtto need no comment ; but otes) ed to ine in order thatthe joke which it involves ible torfirst-form scheelboys of the meanest porter “A CLASSICAL TERCENTENARY CELEBRATION: “fo the Editor of ‘ TheOrehestra. “Sir,—As = Tereentemary of Suaxspeare’s: birth is close-at it may interest some readers to know how the Greeks s did: rT to the = illustrious dead. Aiscayups,) the theiz, per er owe yer) 1 Bon killed, as is sy! of Marathon,*"3.0. was ona eae sade , a8 well as a The tercentenazy® of his death fell during of Amaumen,* who Seasined t0 a mf anal The vo thd Games,*' which, owing to the troubled condition, been discon- ued for some years, were. ma and a solemm, in the usual manner, first bearing youths riding on th: with the bust of arg oy xd thoowing the Dey ty moh lasted » , boxing, and 5 ve days, terminated by the the theatre, of the and Aga- memnon, after which an ode was composed for the occasion. author’s name is unknown, but Pausanias’ tells us that on has copied this ode in the ope *3*8 as however, has unfortunately perished, we cannot tell if this is the case, “ Any of your readers who may wish to learn.more on. this subject, and to com- pare our mod st with of the ancients, will find full particulars:in the 6th volume of the Leipsic series. of where, at 274, isa ble fragment of Bvacnrivs,'® a full agcount of the es A briefer but very alse be found in the.2nd. volume of Cant MuLiee’s ‘ Dorians,’ 4 eub voce‘ Nemean . “{ hawe the honour to be, Sir, your obedient “Campa.” So much fora suecessful experiment.on the ‘of the Orchestra. The editor of that Sere critical publication wi ture think twice, he accuses of want five a lest i ard enough a soho fo consists him th tn of the NOTES BY MR. PUNCH. , B.C. 456, according to the old stery, of an. injury received y an eagle on his bald crown. ? In which he had fought, and ‘“‘ lived to fight another.day,” 3 Which, of course, occurred B.c. 156. + One of ALExaNDER's Generals and successors, died 298 B.¢. ; Ceased B.c. 396. Fe women, who officiated in the festivals of Baechua, or of Diana, at ? Historian and orator, author of History of Greece. s — oe Phoebus and Diana, and other deities, to-bless and protect the ® A number of Greek writers on the revolutions.of the Lower Empire. % 1, An ecclesiastical historian ; flourished in the sixth.century, 2. A monk and theological writer, fourth century. lt A work of reference, which we have not seen ; edited, we believe, by Wauurn. 1 Died at Gela, in Si from a tortoise dropped Accident in the Money Market. Tx funds always fall when there appears. to be war. No bones are broken by a.fall in the funds, which but cannot occasion, broken bones. probability of may portend, ‘ WHEN IS A DOOR,” ETC, Tue oldest Riddle on record was given up last Tuesday by one of the most eminent Physicians in London, e hope never to hear of it again. j}HampressEr’s Morro.—Two Heads (of Hair) are better than one.

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 7, 1864. At ¢y PLES. Jip tie My 4 FIRST OF MAY.—THE RIVALS. | A HINT FROM HAMLET PRINCE OF DENMARK. Let the Kine or Prussia, who approves of the policy signalised in the bombardment of Sonderborg, and the | slaughter of women and children, as well as soldiers, make ;a note of the circumstance thus stated by the Zimes’ Cor- | respondent with the Danish army :— “*A poor soldier passed under our windows, both whose legs had | been shot away, and the anguish of his writhing stumps wrung from | him heartrending screams not to be forgotten by any one who heard | them, an unusual occurrence among these enduring Northerners, who for the most part die without a groan.” | SHAKSPEARE, @ propos of Danes, makes Laertes in Hamlet | say to the priest who superintends the “maimed rites” of | Ophelia’s burial :— “ I tell thee, churlish’ | A ministering angel shall my | Whilst thou liest howling.” Has his Majesty of Prussia any soneaetion of what the | Poet of this world and the next means by “howling” in ithe foregoing passage? If he has he must experience ualms. Whom does Kine Witi1aM suppose to be, in the first instance responsible for the anguish of the “ writhing stumps” of that poor soldier whose legs were shot off by Prussian artillery? Doubtless the “ heartrend- ing screams” which that poor fellow’s torments “wrun from him,” will never “ be forgotten by any one who om | them.” The hearers of them, were not, perhaps, limited to the Times’ Correspondent, and: other persons within the radius of a mile. Does the Kixe or Prussia know to what ears blood wantonly and cruelly shed crieth from the ground? Has he no fear that the screams of that tortured Dane, and other tortured Danes, were loud enough to reach them? Then let him lay his head on his pillow, and sleep in peace. lest, be, Theatrical. Wuewn it is announced that an Actor will be supported by the Entire Company, it is not thereby meant, that, the said professional is sustained in his arduous part solely by ‘ draughts of Banctay, Perkins & Co. TALK FOR TRAVELLERS. Snes, I was walking down St. James’s Street, observant: from afar off, I noted a gentleman we towards me, with whom I have more than a slight acquaintance. “ Now,” said I unto myself, “here comes one who will have —— to say for himself,—one who, as Falstaff hath it, will ‘ Talk wisely. in the street, too;* whose senses will not be scattered before the breath of my salutation, like chaff before the wind.” I knew him to be a careful student of his Punch; and ata recent dinner-party he had entertained me with his highly instructive and interesting conversation. Intendin my own form of saluta- tion, and his direct answer to it, should be a model for all passers-by, I stopped him, and him in a loud tone, thus :— “ Ah! my dear Mister Guzziz! How do you do?” To which he should have replied, “Quite well,” or “Far from well, I thank you, my dear Mister PERIPATETIC.” ; é But, alas! for this great creature—this man of science—this brilliant dinner-conversationalist !—he was—how can I express it?—he was flabbergasted! [am not sure of the exact meaning of the word, but Tam me | convinced of its sense, and do here affirm that if ever a man was flabbergasted, GuzzLE was that flabbergasted individual. a" said, with an idiotic smile, too, that meant nothing, “Ah! How "ve of ” Oh, contemptible Conventionalism! enchaining even the spirits most impatient of control! I pitied, and gave him another chance— io: you said I, with much emphasis, “J am very well.” This method, you will observe, was adopted by me, in order to show him, that, though Ais question, coming, as it did, in the second place, had been courteously met, mine, put first, still remained unanswered. He lost his opportunity : he took no heed of the opening thus afforded to him. It was Ais turn to - so I held my tongue, wisely, and my breath saxlouny. The words came at last— pe Well,”: said he, “how do these East winds suit you, eh?” Oh, heavens! I not already told him that I was Quite Well? If it had not been so, why should I have lied unto him ? Ifthe East winds had done me injury, I should, in my answer to his first question, have made it my theme. 3 ; : , ; Thus, then, I silenced him; reading him a lesson which I sincerely hope he will never forget :—“ Sir,” I answered, in a Johnsonian style (my friends tell me that I resemble the great Doctor—specially at inner): this by the a. “Sir, had the meteorological” (I can say this word very effectively, dividing it into well-enunciated syllables), “had the meteo-ro-logical”—take your meteo short and crisp, ro very long, finishing up with a very rapid Jégical, as if your pronouncing machinery had got wrong, and was running down with a whizzle—“ Sir, had the mété-rd-ldgic&l fluctuations of this variable climate in any degree affected my general state of salubrity” (here I took breath), “I should have made you acquainted with the interesting fact, when reply- ing satisfactorily” (this word must be given with two /’s, if you’re to make anything of it at all—thus, satisfac-torilly) “to the question, which you have already thought proper to put to me. Sir, you have not given me any answer to my question, as to the state of your own th; I must therefore suppose, that, you either have ‘no health to speak of,’ or that you consider any inquiry of this kind, upon my , as an instance of such unwarrantable curiosity, as has not its el in the history of created man. I regret, Sir, that your disdainful conduct has necessitated these observations, and I now leave you, trusting that my words may not be entirely thrown away upon you. Fare you well!” With that, I, lifting up my hat towards high Heaven, with stately gait pursued my onward course, and left him quailing where he stood. Proudly wayfaring, I proceeded Pall-Mallwards. At this point I hide my face in my hands—I weep bitter tears of humiliation. I have fallen! Mea culpa! ‘Mea maxima culpa! { fell, in the street; on that pavement of which I was the strutting Chanticleer ! My fall was moral. In the ears of two sentinels guarding British Art, in the ears of certain members of the Oxford and Cambridge Club— not to mention nursery-maids, nondescript loungers, a commissionnaire, a War Office clerk, and an intelligent policeman, who had overheard my previous exhortation, and had followed me from St. James’s Street, bent upon instruction—yes! in their hearing I fell with a great ruin, and, to the honour of their charity, be it spoken, they did not point the fingers of scorn at me. will tell all. To me, conscious of rectitade, there came a jaunty yous. fellow, who, by profession, is a barrister, but by practice 1s not. e seized my hand—“ How d’yedo? Howd’yedo? Howd’ ye do? said he. “Ah!” said I, “ How arg you?”

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Mar 7, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 195 im words! Irrevocable ! | do, and bustling out and in again whenever ‘there’s a chance. With aes be laughter rang in my ears. IL fled—past the sentinels, Faust upon the stage and Punch between the acts, the Opera would through Bt St. James’ s Park, to the ducks— rae be a amusement, and for their own sakes: we. may hope ! quack |” Gye ap Martzsow will act on our Oh, @ chorus! cruel imputation! 1 sped onward, onwarder, on s “et at at Rene Sanaa. Meo Set ee ENGAGEMENT TO MISS FAITHFULL. Geshes Beweet E Rad. ned gem 2 sexed gives to ms to Somes . are many poor girls too good and’ too: nobile able, reply. Hie: was gone—gone, perhaps, for ever ee 1 mendintes ky maplarng Seeder to pursue thet! marry, and. who would be willing, and likewise able, at all hazards. We dashed after him. We| ew a ae, tea Here and there i oo tae Be, when eee met us a four-wheeler, with em i » believe i me 2 1s being driven furiously. “Hallo!” cries | *™>* et oe ietindiae io th fea lege Se sane that expesed Sho masiee snciden wha mage, ox th lied ot The answer throat, like Amen in Macheth’s. Should | Cipid’s Garden " turn bacie?’ vou was to answer in order, beginning 1 Poe I mennarto Mvese-wengenntiandtetllt the thaeeiiwemn” f si Rp ee “ Ah!” ries | _ Well;. she who ever wears the laurel will never wear’ the willow, nor a voice them the knife-board, where Noopur was seated, like a sweet the weeds. But, say that she is portionlese, how is she to afford wear. aloft, “ How arz rou?” ing the laurel? There is no nunnery for her, and if there were one she I thank mg stars: Homnlily, heartily,’ stars, would not go into it; would rather pursue her maiden meditation fancy vended ee tit I ios: nak Ualited tis: benno a gules Sault Guana: meatier Les “| am far from well, I thank you, Nooptz!” said I, londly, yet Superior to a lord and master, Then there is the not perhaps: very modulating my voice siialaenie te oare, of melancholy. exceptional case of the young widow, lols deskitndly eRaamamasenes are The omnibus ceased to. obstruct our passage, and our conversation in the other world, and who not like to ‘herself a second - our was thus abruptly terminated: I had been itted ¢ on a hand wife. But how are all these women to live? Their lot is:starvation and as further pursuit of the Hansom wouldihape: been capansive, or industry, and who shall rescue them from: the: alternative of paid the Cabman, and hurried to my own sanctum. tion? Miss Exuy Ficmuss, will a ange Dmaneepqmnenploy in her -Office. She has set up a Printing-Office: for the express purpose of women employment, and it has: been in operation new fin en Sa me wake eee ev if pas perhaps, lack of means would enforce to evil, worse Cyn even mer- orming some use by antelligent jae 5 ‘AITHFULL a a heard the man of" For one of various means designed to ide women with work, t Grethe Miss FarruFv.t some time ago started the og ey age respect Pager 0 sing by Gum the 19th ul: extract the subjoined statement from the Dasly News of fata, EDs Se ees Ta, tra, Magn wa, tae: th: eng a 18 et rns, 0 0 we over a rarely been heard | | Square ; tot bee the paxpeee of 7 distributing the magazine among the bookselling in this sland, jo and premeting ite a —~_" s hes been mp age | to Sonn te publishing His name’s WACHTEL, and | $Pining in kine Fatrurtsis hands” Tho protien a Breas Birest have bon With one conv: into a bookseller’s and stati yn a Faltere_y seeks i con rhe singeth a high | to promote, both directly and indirectly, the object she has at heart—the employ- chest C, | ment of her own sex. This she purposes to do , a8 far as possible, the A note that i is far above you | ith the of female asitant, ‘andy eng binding, velo: mag 5 obeesbaiee, stamping from dies, &c.—as much female labour as possible. or m Ben on our tiptoes: tho’ we |_ Miss Farrurvs is entitled to the gratitude not te of her own sex Some say histone is hard asf" her endearours to, afford penniless girls 8 refuge trom famine of ~~ r en = notes he | | pe cieg nds be. —— wpe . time an ero mang But ne'er in his throat the Ey 1a Priuess Sivst, Hanover Squane chotiel ootivend emailing bigh . a s the house | better to do than constituting herself a life-encumbrance to an unhappy with a high hand. |™ In speaking of a singer, | | HIGHLY PROPER. it seems only natural to | break into song; so instead| Tae Churchwardens of a Church in Hull send us the Easter Balance of furnishing a critical ac-| Sheet of the sacred edifice in guestion, and we are very much pleased count of the new tenor, which, if written in the style peculiar to crities, | with the following item :— would be completely unintelligible to less instructed readers, we prefer « Cleaning the Church, &c. Washing Surplices, Vergers, Ringers, &o., £79 2s. @d.” penn © bapa teasers B's ety, er vrata th Roan he Wir an the Carhrarns wash the vergers and ringers uc ntion to ess of the each person entering his each evening it is. open, until the | inferior officials is most laudable, and we know to what cleanliness is om to us the notion that Punch is quite as much an next. We have often seen vergers — bs eae from oo. and eenoes example suggests essent: are notoriously beery and dirty. ‘unch hopes that the Or a pera nae cane. with you hen visiting the Operas ap ® white Ge! of this Hull Church will be followed ‘by the Church of Bugland what an immense boon it would be to all frequenters of the Opera, were | generally. Punch put in. their hands on entering the house! The Swells would | then have ne pleasant to amuse themselves withal in the inter- | Scotch and Shakspeariana. pen they now "9 a ny not i inezchan _ rtowd'yedeie | | D’ye ken why ma Neck-handkerchief is like-one of Masten Snax- gr peeing fh Gl teagrame fe come wpm the Hone, Benes, | or ee dana be eve: perhaps would sit still in thet soata’ anti og, Laney od o fw 4-4 ‘ . ae tell ye: ma neckhandkerchief is like one of wena not worry other people b epeding-on on their toes, or whisking besa their big flounces ov -gmeem# mn their ce. This is the usual sumense now at the end of every act, and, of course, if folk were properl iy intent} ProversiaL Puttosorny.—A Person who — money on stone apon their Punch, they would not, be j jumping up and down as theymow | fruit may be described as “ one who gives.two bobs for a cherry.” se rmaeagrrce eetsatees we =e taiert

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__ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 7, 1864, Frederick, “ Hank! Wuat's THat, now, Lucy?” Miss Lucey. “ Ou! FREDERICK, IT’s THAT DARLING NIGHTINGALE ; HOW FULL OF TENDER MELANCHOLY ARE ITS DELICIOUS WARBL—” Frederick, “‘UxcomMMonty LikE Herr Von JozL—To BE suRE!” WHY DID GARIBALDI LEAVE SO SOON? In order to set at rest for ever the above vexed question, which seems to be perturbing a good many people, and causing them to emit the most ridiculous guesses and: objurgations, Mr. Punch. begs to offer, at one view, all the reasons which induced the gallant GarrBaLpt to leave om oom without allowing the provincials an opportunity of wringing us hand off, lst. Because he will want his hand to plant the banner of Italy on the fortifications of Venice, and also of Rome. 2nd. Because he heard.that Mr. Tuprer was coming after him to recite an Ode in his honour. 3rd. Because Lornp Patmerston begged him to go, lest he might excite democratic feelings, and thereby compel the Ministry to bring in a Reform Bill. 4th. Because the most Illustrious Personage believed that he had designs upon the Crown of England.—N.B. The Prixce or Wates’s visitjwas for the purpose of requesting him not to stir up a revolution. 5th. Deconeatie National Shakspearian Committee, having concluded their work, wished"to organise a movement for a GARIBALDI memorial. tth. Because the younger Garrpatpr had fallen so desperately in love with a lady member of the Royal Family, that it was necessary to crush that sentiment in the early bud. 7th. Because it was not certain that Mr. Cuartes Kean might not be coming back suddenly, in which case influence would be used to get Garrpap! to see that gentleman in Hami/et, Sth. Because CAnpinaL Wiseman had blessed seventeen bludgeons, and given them to as many stalwart Irishmen, previously absolved, with orders to demolish Ganipa.pi, and give Mr. Sgety a great beating. 9th. Because the Cockneys who insisted on riding in his carriage spoke such atrocious Hinglish that it grated upon the delicate Italian organisation, and he was especially annoyed at being called a Nero of a nunderd fights and a most magnaninimous Hexile. 10th. Because the idiotic British Washerwomen made such exceed- ingly bad work with his red shirts, starching them in the wrong places, | as they do with the linen of their countrymen. llth. Because he had a telegram announcing that the Pope was | going to send a beigned expedition to Caprera, with orders to eat | GaRIBaLpr’s cook and housekeeper. 12th. Because the Englishwomen bothered his very life out for auto- | raphs, and he had sent away the insides of at least three mattrasses, as | ocks of his hair, to the inconsiderate daughters of Albion. There now! There are a dozen good reasons why he went away, and | each is as good as the other. We now hope that the subject will be dropped. A CALL FOR A JEWISH SONG. Tue Prussian authorities, under the paternal, Government of WiLL1aw THE Frrst, in their treatment of Posen, are emulating those ‘atrocities which the satraps of the Czar inflict on a larger ‘part of Poland, by flogging and otherwise torturing the inhabitants, on the most’ frivolous or groundless pretences, with diabolical malice. Amongst other victims, a Jew was almost beaten to death by Prussian soldiers, “ because he refused to sing a Jewish song.” ‘The Israelite might* have complied with the request of the miscreants in Kine Wittiam’s pay, and’ sung them one of the Psalms of David, say the 109th, in‘ Hebrew, without any fear that they would have understood it, and comprehended *that; | in the mouth of the singer, it was an imprecation of divine vengeance on a br utal tyrant. Meteorology by a Murphy. (To the Biitor of ‘‘ Punch.”) Sin,—The month just past has been distinguished by an unusual absence of the customary rainfall, The April Showers this year may be expected in May. « Hill of Howth Observatory, April, 1864. I am, &c.,{M. ‘Tieted by W radbury. N Wobure Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Bvang of No. ||, Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of 0 eee Clad Lendsn’ ertnteen ck thatr Otiee ts Lombard 6 t Sr Weltediens ity of London, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Btreet, in the Parieh of St. Bride, City City of om, Printers, at their treet, in the Precinct of Loudey.—Sarvanat, May j, 1864. tetriar,

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May 14, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 197 (NM A , | I |i aan = F NA? a s —_> One of the Finest Pisantry (in Custody, having had a Shillelagh difference with a fellow.countryman). ‘‘ SHURE! Maryn’? OI SEE ME FRIND AFF B’ THE THRAIN, SORR?” |many duties that this little one isn’t worth making a fuss about. I | PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. “ me had a great fight about the Deckenel ot Malta, and fs Suppl May 2nd, Monday. Government has no intention of ‘interfering | Passed the Penal Servitude Act. Thieves at a distance (who may keep between the Irish landlord and the Irish tenant. The present system | there) will please accept this intimation. No Cards, if they once mis- seems to work very well ; the tenant objects to paying his rent, and the | ehave. landlord objects to paying his debts, and the Encumbered Estates | Tuesday. Sm Georce Grey stated that Austrian ships had arrived — and Ly ee j oo smooth down any little irregularities which | jn the Downs, but that the Austrian Government had solemnly declared interfere with general harmony \that For The Present, the only order given to the commander was Although the Scotch are stated to prefer notes to gold, because the | tg protect German commerce in the North Sea, and to prevent the | former are more easily hidden away in the “big Ha’ Bible” and in vast blockade of the Elbe and the Weser. Our Admiral was watchin A ° ‘ ° ° ik . £. ut snuff-boxes, Mz. GLapsTONE gives up his plan for increasing the issue the Minister declined to say what orders he had in the event of the le “pel Be my sad 4 boas a en of refined taste, he ee is been shocked at the iness of the paper sent up as con- TLL, i . " science-money by penitent Scots, and that he i course, and Joun Butt is an excellent policeman and a strict disci | just let them come on it. Austrians receiving any other orders. This reticence was proper, of | cks the Vespasian | plinarian. While folks are off his beat, he does not touch them, but | p rent “A loud and general cheer” followed Lorp Cuarence Pacet’s| The Sioux Indians are cruel sav h d ild- | : | x ages, who murder women and child- statement that the Channel squadron was in the Downs, that the stores | ren, and escape into our territory to avoid the vengeance of the Ameri- | were nearly completed, and that the fleet would be ready to sail any- : , ri whine te twenty f y Y-|can soldiery. Leave having been asked to pursue them over the ** All in the Downs the fleet is moored, The steamers smoking in the wind ; stipulating that the miscreants shall not be extirpated upon the pre- ere fee Deen ® on beset, | on the subject. He probably thought that these savages had the same a nny as par ooh =. | claim to tenderness as the cannibal brigands sent out by the Holy See. Won't you rejoice the Burglars’ Ships to view?” | So do we, and so does the CoLon1aL SECRETARY. ‘our hours, | sapulad our Governor at the Red River has of course granted it, | | mises of our settlers. Mr. Hennessy spoke in a tone of remonstrance | Mr. Somzs, anti-beerman, stated that he proposed to let public- When a young lady wants to be married (and she is quite right to | houses be open on Sundays from one to two, and from eight to nine. marry if the young gentleman is old enough to know his own mind, | Mr. Punch proposes to strike out all the words after the first “to,” and is cheerful but steady, and reads his Punch), and her lover has no for “nine” to substitute “eleven.” But he is ma | to enact that | money except his income, he usually assures his life, and settles the drunkenness shall not be accepted as an extenuation of other offences, amount on her and the probable babies. Would you believe it, young | but on the contrary, that it shall be separately and severely punished. es engaged or only hoping to be, Mr. GiapsTone levies aduty on| Mr. Ewart then brought on a debate on Capital Punishments, and the document which secures the money? He does; and though 124 a very important step was taken in reference to an important subject. | nice gentlemen, in the ladies’ interest, to-night begged him to take off |'The usual exchange of assertion was made, one party alleging that ie unkind tax, he got 161 horrible curmudgeons and lady-haters to | hanging was inhuman, and did not prevent crime, the other party de- elp him to keep it on. And yet that man speaks boo mg at a | claring that it was the only punishment which produced an effect upon w breakfast, gushes like the champagne, and sparkles like the | the dangerous classes, and deterred them from crime. Much stress was iced-cake, What a world it is! However, do not let his cruelty pre-| laid upon the frequent escape of ‘scoundrels, who would have been vent your accepting eligible offers. Your husbands will undertake so doomed to penal servitude, but VOL, XLVI, x whom juries could not agree to hang. |

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198 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Mar 14, 1864 — : -¥ is og | be recoverable. And there ise dab in the for greedy attorneys, Besant wee, glad the Hogse bad oot vid of the. Bool, of Some whe azo not to bring actions in the oul Courts matters which =a heling, to alto- to come before the County ora Mota y : manner idence to ot unsat i : the initio ot and the ships, but we screwed out that the Awrora is gone to look after law, ay whether (New Words to the old Ai) Aus in the Downs the fleet is moored, The powder shipped, the guns on beard ; Long has Barrannia endured, Ere she would give the awful word— “ Go in, my hearts of oak, so tough And lick sweet Faepsaton-WILuiAM and blue.” Sweet Parperick-WritiaM on his guard Has cheap and nasty laurels flung ; While by Court-toady and Court-bard Sonderborg’s massacre is sung. The Dutchies’ crown he grasps with thievish hands — And though detected all unblushing stands ! Soon from the Downs the fleet unmoored May to the Baltic shape its course : Then comes the shock, that ne’er endu Of ight and Might ‘gaint Proud and Pores And King and Kaiser yet may vail their pride ' To Strength with Justice once again allied ! A JOKE ABOUT A JUDGE. Is the alleged fact, stated in this extract from a Parliamentary ible ! money up to our going press summary, e iz Dulness carries it, the Metric » is effect “Grn OG. Gee said, in reply to Ma. . Benaecer, that the conviet Burcnmeon, oggeend cad ofl thet is to be done ab present is to legalize contracts in Fi hwucd Hall’ Northumberland, ined been velemed os a tsketol lees after = . oF ineasures Ay metric ts pm Le or Fa imprisonment, upon the recommendation of the Judge who had sures. aonsense Was . some e thought that the metres meant poetical met and that Ma. Bwaar | Released on a ticket-of-leave? Wh at-of- y was not the poor man released wohed \o compel us to talk over the counter in thyme—« o | with a free pardon if he was discovered to have been innocent of the “Me, that ion t what | mean, | perjury of which he had been found guilty? His evidence, whether true —_— Out me yards of bormbasine ~ = ise, by a - oo. ~ | caused R. yy > canyon of ‘ . elony, to be adjudged to penal servitude, to incur forfeiture o 8, RSS See jand ruin of health as well as of estate. Hurcntnson deserved to be —_ hanged as much as any murderer, or he did not deserve any punishment poe friends have come the country from, at all; and if, at the instance of any Judge, he has obtained a ticket of- # me a quart of Anctent Tom.” waar, that most unjust and foolish Judge, pee he is, +" — ots . st imperfect reparation to an mjured man, or else has been at last, if they did not so, they » eg about the Slemnentel in turning | Society | i think poke g loose upon Society a scoundrel who will perhaps imposnbihty of obtammg an eT metre that the aheze cuapestions one of those dark nights garotte him; and serve him right. Compan, who —™ =y comprebeuds the ion, was | = 4 ths & Muner (Ciason. They will also laugh at us wu and, for oace, their epigrams will be poimted by justice. Nasty. Thursday. § ridicule of the Yeomanry, who, however, got their) Tue last advices from—well, we will not mention the name of the —and ach talk about smooth bores and Armstrongs. place, it can be seen any of these fine mornings in the Zimes—have © -BLLOR brought ‘ relief stated, that, in that part of the world, the “shirtings are unchanged. of — & — eanene the Qe tone os —" The shirtings of this people have been in this state for several weeks ! fre the thousand for debts of two shill wn, and the Disgusting ! cases t future there is to be pepteeqnent, cage! in of creditors may be : no bill is to Fasutonanie Foop ron Horses.—Hay 4 da Mowsp. ' of Uhus, SSoce4d @e weoce s2>rec ims oe RPE SEE PESs Pees mece ae i~j @ = ae FE 33 | 226

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eu VrerwvTr =w Ve ~~" Mar 14, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 199 A PILGRIMAGE TO STRATFORD. My pgar Puncu, . You haven’t such a thing as a rhinoceros about you? eh? If you have, perhaps you may arrive at some idea Ww it is to be thick- inved, and I beg leave to observe that in the thiekness of my cuticle I resemble a rhinoceros, So don’t attempt li 8 xe E @ ihe bret: i ang © homage at the shrine £5 H BE ¢ its FF | il E es F i g 8 E ey f : we a Ee “4 SUAKSPRARE comw@ TO Omaaenate. aus Brata- been visiting the shrine, DAY WiTH AN AnoESsTOR or Ma, : ‘ have been Pane on view there to excite their i omg the other -things. ~~ beheld the Shakspeare from Davip GaRRiox the Shakspeare which Kemps may have sneezed from They saw a fragment mulberry-tree that SHAKSPEARE used to sit under, and they were shown, , th HAK- sPEARE used to.carry walking, and possibly belabour the street-boys withal who chaffed him. They saw a score or more of portraits, supposed to have been cut from signbeards of the period, which may have adorn the hostelry yclept “the Shakspeare Head;” and they beheld the bran-new cast in plaster of his face, and were requested to hobserve the ’airs still sticking in it; which are a satisfying proof that the relic is uite genuine, although nobody has heard of its existence until now. ) ry imposing and appropriate climax to the show, they beheld the Shakspeare shield and other handsome bits of plate, which were given to that eminent tragedian, Mr. Kean, who being in Australia, could not himself be personally present at the show. They might drop a tear or not as they gazed — these relics, and endeavour to look interested, while they possibly felt bored ; ving duly “done” the relics, they might go home to their families, and might roll their poet’s eye with the fine frenzy of a Cxosz, as they mused on all the marvels which as pilgrims they had seen. With relics, then, the shrine was most abundantly endowed; but shall I ‘ou very much if I confess I scarcely looked at them? Will yu d me as a Monster if I own that SuaksPEaRe’s walking- stick but little more effect Jy: yao. of veneration than (until the Pope lays hold of me) would St. tus’s big toe, or the eyeglass of St, Routes. Leaving others to the relics, my aim was to see the House, and it pleased me very greatly to find that it is carefully and reverently kept, and that the butcher’s scales and flesh-hooks have been cast out of the temple. But twenty years ago the House of Smax- SPEARE was ode with but little more esteem than the house of Sxwooxs or SmirH, and at the lowly doorway where the Poet of all time was ed when a baby, the shopkeepers of Stratford bought their steaks and mutton-chops. But offended Puch stepped in and bade the nation buy the house, and the nation did his bidding, as it usually does. So now the house is placed in proper care and keeping, free from dam as well as damage by the penknives of the pilgrims, who, if permitted, long ago would have chipped it up for snuffboxes, and put it in their Yet had the object of my a been to see the House, I might have saved myself the journey by just going down to Sydenham. The SHAKSPEARE house is , aS aquyeoty knows, and they who cannot make a pilgri to Stratford-upon-Avon, should go and see the slice of it now in stal Palace. But I wished to see the neighbourhood, and to walk where SHaksPEARE walked, and view the scenes where Nature filled him with her poetry. So, after seeing 4s You Like Jé very creditably played, I strolled to Charlecote Park, and sat “under the greenw tree” that haply may have sprouted from the one which SHaxsPeaRE had in his mind’s eye the while he wrote : re the herd of deer I saw were haply some of them descendants of the “poor sequestered stag,” and the “fat and greasy citizens,” whereof he makes his Jaques so eloquently speak. But before this I to | fanciful attine, that ‘therein thou mayest caper to the oj | Bess, ‘that the had walked, as SHaksPEaRe often walked, to Shottery, where his sweet- heart used to live. “ Prithee, friend,” quoth I, to a rustic I encoun- tered, “ wilt direct my pilgrim feet, to Mistress Haruaway, her cot- P” “Noa, zur, that a carnt,” quod he, “four Oi’m a strarnger hereaboot, an’ Oi dunt knaw where she do live.” Yes, beshrew me, he said, “do.” So, in terror, I forebore from the interchange of further parley with him, lest, may be, I should learn that he knew no more. But whatabout the banquet, good pilgrim, and the ball, and all the other revelries that graced the Tercentenary? Nay, friend, ask me not , write anent these pr 5 2 heme ae my pilgrim’s pe a mean my steutest pair of boots—and grasped m im’s staff— mean my best =eele—I whispered to myself, “ Pi S. thou carest naught for the vain pleasures of theerowd. It delights thee not to listen to dull after-dinner speeches, or toyprank thyself in spangled and twangings of a fiddle, or the tootlings:of a flute. Let others feast and flirt and flounce it an they lief; and fancy, if they:please, that by so doing they pay homage to the shrime where they are met. Be it thine to take thine ease (if thon canst find it) at thine ina, and, ere thou goest to thy train, to quaff another eup of ale for thy health’ssake:: for Stratford ale is a Geilo the peas "eh ain il Sippers o: « Piping Power sania Hillborough, hungry While such brave beer is brewed there, it meeds no Tereentenary to aman to Stratford; and, when in thy eee) iet, he will see nie Manabe Saw shee ae ived in Puan when blatant brass. bands, q flaunting wi the finery of jubilee proeessions we: Recommending Stratford heartily asa place to pass a day in, be it but to see the pleasantest of little lewans and the prettiont of country churches, I remain, my dear Punch, yours with reverence, VAGABUNDUS. SHAKSPEARIAN NOTE. Sucmwas ‘the inclement state of the weather in the days of QuEEN could not be got in after the usual fashion. To this SHaxspware has feelingly alluded, in the refrain of the Clown’s song at the end of 7welfth Night :— * With a hay, hoe, the wind and the rain, For the rain it raineth every day.” The use of a hoe, in connection with hay, is, we take it, unprecedented in any agricultural annals. If the second line gives us a true view of that time, then for the change of our climate we ought to be truly thankful. This, we believe, escaped the attention of the erudite and laborious Dr. Farmer. A NATIONAL DEMONSTRATION. Tue attention of Parliament will have been called to the subjoined announcement in the Times :— “A Very QUESTIONABLE Honour.—On Sunday the Kine or Prussia conferred the Order of the Black Eagle on his Royal Highness Prince AL¥Rep.” Before these words ap in print an honourable Member will of course have moved that an humble address be presented to Her Maszesty praying that a gift, the aceeptance of which, at the hands of a potentate engaged in an unjustifiable war conducted with shameful barbarity, is derogatory to the honour of the British Sovereign and People, may be immediately returned. Boxing their Mitres. Tue Bishop-Maker flew into a passion with his bishops the other day. Out of the twenty-four, said Lorp SHarrespury, not one had condescended to come and talk at the mee’ of the Society for Con- verting Jews. “It was a gross neglect duty.” Rather strong language for a layman to use in regard, to the hierarchy, but we are glad to see that the Head of the Church asserts his mastership. The only excuse that we can think of for the naughty bishops is in the fact, that if you divide the income of the Society by the number of Jews it annually converts, you find that it costs about £750 to make an indif- ferent Christian, and the bishops very properly discourage extravagance. The Member for Sugar. Tue House of Commons lately has occupied itself a good deal with the question of the Sugar Duties. Its views of that question do not appear to be so much influenced as one would think they might be by the opinions of an honourable Member who may be supposed to be an authority on the subject of sugar—Mr. Du Cane. ety keynes ee Oe

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Mar 14, 1864.

Wf Zt | ONG ~=<— eel att

A CASE FOR MR. BANTING. Driver (of the Herring Mould to Party inclining to embonpoint). “ Hotto, Bru! How many Sacks 0’ PertaTERS axD HoGSHEADS o’ SucaR ’aVE YER GOT THERE?”

TAKE BACK THY ORDER. Take back, and in thy dastard’s face, As hard as England’s might can fling, Thy badge that would a dog ot hou caitiff that art named a King : Thy brow is crimson with a brand Outglaring Carn’s ; he slew but one. Durst thou stretch forth thy red right hand To decorate Victorta’s son? Keep thy Black Eagle for thine own, Meet emblem, sign of blood and prey, 4a symbol for a felon’s throne, lence with that type of crime, away ! Foui thing! our Prince as well might wear A halter round his royal neck, As on his breast that bauble bear None but-a scoundrel’s fit to deck. Not AtFrep’s breast ; another place Is where thine Eagle should be spread, Mid kites and crows, among the race Of vermin, nailed on barn or shed. And structures if there were to choose The vilest of them would, before l others, be the one to use Sticking thy Order on its door. Black Eagle, murder’s proper meed ! Well doth its colour match the stain Of guilt, that dyes that coward’s deed ho female slew and infant Dane, Black Eagles are for blackguards right, White feather who with black combine. No English Prince shall be a Knight Of such black Chivalry as thine. |

A WORD WITH SPAIN. Spam is waking up in earnest. Hear the last news : * It is pro’ to construct on Spanish soil a maritime canal, to supersede the Straits of Gibraltar.” We call this mean. After the trouble we took to get (no, not much | to get, but) to keep, Gibraltar, we really consider the proposed trick | ea of a chivalrous nation. However, the world is becoming very gar and mercantile, and it is of no use complaining. One would like to know the particulars, and how our flank is to be turned. Perhaps the new canal is to begin at the mouth of the Giddle-kee-veer, (written Guadalquiver, and rhymed to gentle river in — ladies’ songs) and come out at Malaga, a very good hundred miles of cutting as the crow cuts, with some nice tunnelling in the way. The Spaniards, of course, can’t do it; and if it is to be done, the decent thing would be to offer the job to an English company, whom Mr. Punch will back to be through before Lesszrs has done Suez. But why not be econo- mical, gentlemen Spaniards—why not buy Gibraltar of us? Well sell it — cheap. Spain to turn Protestant, and England to have all the Port for twenty years; or we’ll say the Port and never mind the Pro- | testantism. Come, that will be cheaper than the canal. You had better make a.bargain, or we may happen to sell the place at Tangier, and bring the Moors back into Europe. Remember, England is a Mahometan power, and with a little reinforcement from India, could easily restore the crescent in Spain. We don’t wish to put on the screw, but this Gibraltar notion is so very mean that we are obliged to speak out. But the Spaniards are mean. Didn’t their great poet Quintana, write a great poem on the battle of Trafalgar, and omit all mention of the French? He did.

Business on an Odd Night. Petitions for the Abolition of Punishment were presented by MR. Wa xer from the inmates of all her Majesty’s Gaols and Houses of Correction in the United Kingdom.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—May 14, 1864. THE AGGRAVATED POLICEMAN. Joun Butt, Al. “YOU ’RE NOT ON MY BEAT, YOU SCAMPS, OR I’D LET YOU SEE!”

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Mar 14, 1864] Preece THE COMPLETE LETTER-WRITER'S REFLECTIONS. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARE. renee then seize the opening to Not to speak of the numerous te As, the (in the Foreign Qfice.) by really, po gate when yeas looks about Europe ing on s pikes to eave fo of row normal in A “ciated and knaves due lecture them ests in tea-cups— Ja where Greek dgumet Greek ups GzroRGE, poor young man ! — y. Turkey there ’s ABDUL-AS-1z loo sickly, ME oe daetees fe eel ¥ setting rick] “-Gainst Mamoomn and the Moslem, hs Cadis and Castles. Dees eae, oltent ube, os The *ve penned (if the: The valu’ (SRR «halen ina I’ve fired at the Russians (who paid them no eed) ! There was Tartar oppression and Polish prostration Gave a chance for a lecture and scornings, new bow 40 rend) | on duties and rights, And I think I may say I improved the occasion— improvement my labour ; Tf no other my requites I that was all that it should be: et Soe ciliiceaena cx beacttooes Pe med pully Seater or extne wiabin cout he Than the way, when she growled, that I drew in my horns. And T’ll back to " m. i ning For neatness ’ ny Hragitions from soaring to soy/ning But of all the hances for "That ever a tose deopeteh weber aa The best’s German’s quarrel T sit ie:may ollie, ant give it both "with Dane while they ’re fighting, Where they i, °0 bath i Sie wanes 2 Seaatesiate wateinly, What both enaht tp 06 T Geeky Recommend calm to Denmark, while And justice to Prussia, while cribbing a crown. Bee St | ee lee a Se wee b: As for And if apprehension of war should down ; ring acutely, ‘We must plead our intentions, and pocket the blame. Talk ’s th I if I t off sears bee one course bbe ia ok stuff as “ Brrranwza ruling the main. If we’re cuffed on Is to offer the the et cheek hath our oy oe re told it) We vee grenk daa! of cheek yet a let *s hold it For Prussia and Austria to cuff black and blue It is true one still talks of the old British Lion : But the animal now is the sign of a shop : As a nation of tradesmen, on business relying, despatches, PAWS OFF! laims Fatt to fo superio “ll things, Ife babitually lets "the best 1) public : alone , because they, — So rather on cear it is chi bitually, vies a set of platitudes which offer - a. ~ comment, pace Rap 5 cyano —— Pee (for also a quanto author, ‘or fr. Punch never could fathom) sealiieaiages Sotey elgeetives gn supe can conveniently be enlisted — > nee of Mr. dominant as now. But ceives a dis the exception to the observed in his faithful fr “ To point a Playbill, or adorn’a Farce.” ag i eA ows that he married a most estimable and lomete “hae Eva Vioxerta, or Vere — touching record that we have of her long vee ° life sh have prevented a love ham marriage fro eae presented as of the history of her husband, presented within. & stone’s throw fam te house which we daily look at with interest from its having been the home of the Garricks Ppenion, we read with real satisfaction, the following protest in the Morning Star : “ Garrick in the new play refuses a &@ manner as shall proffered ee id in lsnoe with this egg fay to epard biy wit ani com: . be drank, and bela: disrcnetably that the who g ro) 4 in a repulsive character ; but to ion of his vocation in the eyes of those “a ee ere 43 EE E Ft Ps 382 m VIOLETTE seven years history gives no hint of her existence. actors is thus scandalously misrepresented,” recently as 1822, so that a non of forty years entitles break into a reverenced house, upset the old Lares and Penates, and = | plaster i of his own. The families of later actors than ARRICK had better look out, or we may have tye noble figure of Cartes Kemszex introduced We must stick to and armaments drop. It is true we ~ a yr" , that our stre paight be mighty To protect ri oul weaknnes from otow force and wrong ; But business és oF ong such notions are hty. Helping ora don’t pay: better side with the strong. If one’s pea 9 phar just to keep up ap We'll a in stro or wor As for i think of our car; Leave those draw swords who . pene ary ‘wind. and deaenen! we no shops to mind. De Lunatico. Tercentenary Festival will be, as usual, held in the erunds of Coley wil be played. ph tome Ag pr re gag during this rooent to any part ivities a Band will Wits- untied. attend, without season of and othe half-price. Babies in arms upon the stage, and see him marry, not Miss pe Camp, but some gouty alderman’s ter of the Regen period—nay, why —_ at a not . Srppons be ~ with a farce-scene a second match? “ Hast no reverence?” the way, what is a Licenser for? Had the ed character been ho grandfather of one of our Dukes, or even Marquis of Steyne, the piece would have been promptly ‘ordered into dock for refitting. Ha! Nursery Rhyme, Formed upon an old Model, and dedicated to any Dyspepti Livery of the City of London. ’Trs the voice of the glutton, I hear him complain, My waistcoat unbutton, Anti-Bantino of the ’ll eat once again.

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204 PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 14, 1864,

THE! REJECTED OF THE ACADEMY. Srr,—Leaving to such of your > critics a8 like to int refined *~ gold and gild the Bly, the work of dilating upon the merits of the artists who have attained fame, and whose pictures are this year exhibited, let me rather console the unfortunate by noticing a few of the Rejected Works. I have e a pigri through the haunts of the meritorious but unsuccessful pain and have mplomnemonn rg t sketches of the paintings. My own pri- vate. opinion is, that there is an immense deal of unrecognised talent in this country, and when na new and vast Halls of Art * urlington House opened, and the malevolent Academicians shall be deprived of their only excuse for rejecting the works of young rivals, you » ~ ee cruelly rising genius : : dealt with. , For instance, Sir, here is young Syivan BuuecERsy’s picture. He simply calls it, Vice. How would the conventional artist have q it P Most likely in an objectionable manner.. We might have had vice rendered fascinating, and the temptations of St. Antony might have been reproduced, with a demoralising purpose, though under the pretence of moral teaching. Look above, Sir, at BLuccERBY’s way of resenting Vice. Is there anything demoralising there? Is that in the (TY or Sos style? No, Sir; Clapham might buy that picture. And yet look at the subtle moral. Observe the conscientiously painted screw, see how, after one twist, this Vice hold its victim in an iron clutch. cious gazing on And yet this was rejected. Is the Hanging Committee truly virtuous ? ow, Sir, we come to a sea-piece. I know that a port deal is said about Mr. STanFreip’s wonderful waves, and the a. cool sea-green of Mr. Hoox.. But look at this painting, by JaMEs Dosjorre, of Chops of the Channel. The composition is beautiful, the pyrami or School of Athens form is cally : adhered to, and there is a movement about the whole which shows true inspiration. The flesh tints are exquisite, and so is the contrast between the meatiness of the ~- and the transparency of the water. Any one who has ever seen a si scene can testify to its fidelity. hen, Mr. Punch, I present to you an outline of a work by Sam > nA eee eee

Tue CHops OF THE CHANNEL. ~~ xt = fs vw 5

Q

2 CZ, > — Nea ante Tue OLp, OLD Srory. Bursz. It bears the same title as one of F. Sronz’s pictures, but is treated far more poetically. Asybeds on draw a sentimental Ly | and girl, bat look at this, The Old, Old Story. Is there not poetry there ?

The old place is by the sea, as you may notice by the gulls fiying, and the artist subtly bints, with the poet, that Love (the Old, Old Sto) “still hath something of the sea, from whence his mother rose.” perspective: wish you could see the light upon the falling shutter, aérial has never been carried to such perfection. TD SAO et

Tae Mitt Race. » & rural scene, by Epwarp Smacker, and is called face. When the Mill on the Floss, or any other sporting story, requires illustration, here is the artist. k at the vigour of the figure a little in the rear, but soon to be first. MuricHazL ANGELO never drew anything like that hind leg. The work was originally called ao Quixote’s Dream, bet the home- er name was preferred. P = c This d, yet simple work is §Y5——*S=——— 9 2 called, after an interesting work on « the lower orders,— The Missing Link. ‘ The artist, the young and accom- plished SwarreRton, had intended to call it Thats, but the bc ogehes explanatory figures seem e this less desirable. Mr. Rusxux writes eloquent! ™ the way in which you should first do your pic- ture, and then stick in a bit of red, “and all is in a flame,” and I hope he will call and see the bit of red at the end of this link. It is marvellous. So, in its way, is ScRUMBLEBOY’s pic- a Th acheth, “ po 18 a | ight /” The vigorous drawing, an the profound knowledge of anatomy displayed here, speak for themselves ; and truly artistic is the reticence with which the face of Macbeth is kept in the side-ground, so that the idea of shrinking and terror may be maintained. Let me next ask you to examine Miss AstTRaGAt’s lovel : ss Bea, ‘ Here, a subject which is better and poetical Venus Rising from the let alone és let alone, and in place of an undraped er staring at sea-monsters, we have a sparkling planet ascending from the waves. Tn the original the nat effect of the water dropping off the = fairy b cy. The of the star, which is still wet, is given with a Po ne oe ' This is, again The Mill’ Race.

Tue Missine Linx.

“Tus 1s A Sorry Sicut!” clouds have a roundness of intense truthfulness. I have only time and 8 to introduce one more. It is painted to illustrate a remark- able series of papers contributed by Mz. Rusxuw to the Cornhill Magazine, and intended to show (I cordially approve the<doctrine, not

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Fn owe oy ans: May 14, 1864] ‘PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 205 “being myself violently addicted to labour) that everybody ought to be Ca tcies chides te sorte math me Wise Tha. tien wens ite, it shows you what the article is, yet fw not give every knot and setatch in the wood; yet thejuncture-lines are marked in a way that tells how re- the artist has sat q ‘down before the last, amd received lessons at the feet’ of nature, like Gana- LIE. Venus Ristve YRom THe Sia. .I for one refuse to: believe in.the deca- to subjoin Your respectfal Anr-Carric. * Gwe ne se ‘ €. : ‘ “*Unro Tras Last.” RESTAURATIO MAGNA. _Batu Abbey is to be restored. This is well, for it has great and singular merits, besides ining an enormous array of aiuke ° ** That show how well Bath waters lay the dust.” But we cannot think that the excellent Bishop, Loxp AvcKLanp, who has just made an appeal to the public for funds, was quite justified in one statement. He said that “they had got Mz. Gzeorce GuBERT Scorr, who was a Tower of Strength.” This may be, but to- ee ce ee i rend and let himself be into Bath Abbey, is rather too much. We know his honourable devotion to cathedral architecture, but this is too Pointed a Style of address to him, and savours of the days of the Barly English who buried e in walls. Even an old Gothic architect would not have been so self-sacrificing, but perhaps the Bishop thinks Quod non Gothi hoe Scott. But we os Mr. Scorr — » a © several ings, especially to restore our e of mmd about Salisbury Spire, said to be tottering. If meddlers bring that down, Punch pledges himself to turn Dissenter. _ Touching Scene in the French Legislature. M, Jutzs Favre, (“with eyes overflowing with tears, goes to wring the of M. Emitze OLLivier, who 18 being converted to Tnperialion ae be read ! @ i. Emre Oxstvier. No, Sir! '(Zurns away, but presently soft sentiments enter and 88 his soul, and, “ with tearful eyes and kis pond $ posse: ¢ probably’ choked with sobs”.) Yes, there is my hand. _M. dues Favre. C’est trop Monsieur. (Zurns away. Sensa- tion. Pocket handkerchiefs, emotion, Private laugh from M. pE Moryy.) GEOGRAPHICAL.—One of the Counties of England remains to this day In the next corrected and revised Map of added to this incomplete county, in an imperfect Sit, with such works ready | tbe Publi THE BRITISH WORKMAN’S FRIENDLY IMPROVIDENT Roiz Vi. That when an dis lami ox ter Seay ie any illness, accident, or death of any member, it shall be lawful for the treasurer to call a special meeting to investigate claim, when a a se oe be sei to every member out of the Club Rune VIL. That, if the claim be sanctioned, another special meeting shall be convened for payment of the sum awarded, when another pot of beer shall, in like manner, be served to every member who attends ; and thé secretary, treasurer, and trustees of the Club shall be allowed a bottle of wine a-head out of the Club funds, or if they prefer it, a bowl a-piece of _— é Rute VIII. That when any death occurs in the Society, all the members shall assemble to attend the funeral, and, to show their grief Resonsinngly, shall spend the evening afterwards at their usual public- ouse. Rutz IX. That the funds of the Society be confided to the keeping of not less than four trustees, who shall not be held responsible for any misa) riation, shortcoming, or misuse. RULE That it shall be lawful for the trustees, whenever they think fit, to break up the Society, without assigning to the members any reason for so doing, and without being required to exhibit their accounts, or to surrender any money remaining in their hands. With such admirable rules to provide for its safe working, it is impossible to doubt that the Improvident Society will prove a splendid boon to every working mar. who joins it. Clearly the establishment of similat societies will prove how needless and uncalled-for, not to say tyrannical and wickedly unjust, is the threatened interference in the matter by the Government, who, by their ¢ measure, have been seen in their true colours as ‘the violent oppressors of the British working-man. Through the wisdom of the rules by which it will be regulated, the Improvident Society will very clearly demonstrate what good habits are engendered by clubs held at public-ho and with what absolute security the working-classes may entrust their hard- —_ weekly savings to the friendly hands held out to relieve them— of their coin. Two Bad Names. TuerE are two names that we should rejoice to see in the list of bankrupts. One is— HoweEnzouuERN, Butcher, Berlin. And the other is— Haprssure, ditto, Vienna. ALFRED IN THE DANISH CAMP. ~ Tue Krxe or Prussta (and like his impudence) has given Paoxce Atrrep the Order of the Black Eagle. The we hope to see another Half Wholefordshire out of Half-fordshire, yo or in that he should like to reciprocate with the Order of the Black Eye.

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Hl ; TH} { is Yin nial, TA) | "f. Vi Uf w/7) ]/ y ea SNM TILA LLL. > Mf Y L// ' Ui) HLL UI W/7 UT; MI / i —~ é WOM Mit: Ld] “Mh Up WEL re / an hed hd eda — ew ee te EL, WUMMU MMH / wn Laptop sh he GILL DERMATOL LE 6 et a “ft - a ll hl y i, | pf SERVANTGALISM IN AUSTRALIA.~A FACT. Domestic. “Ir you Pixase, "M, I nave aN our To Spark, anD I’m a-GOIN’ TO Tay ux New 'Orss!” POOR OLD DEARS! Our dear old friends, Mesdames Gamp and Harris, continue to scold | us in the most outrageous’ manner; and though we assure these ladies, | with tears in our fine eyes, that nothing from them can us angry | —we owe them too much—we cannot help feeling their unkyindness. | G. C. Part But for Mr. Punch, who would know that, such. organs of the Great Conservative Party were in existence? When the very chiefs of the eget the poor, old women, simply because they have and a little discursive, is it not chivalrous in Mr, Pusck to bewildered matrons, and to. insist upon honour being shown hairs? Dear Gamp and Harris, you do not know what grown uphold the to their gre | pains Punch takes for you. He has repeatedly, in private (for he is 0 very intimate with all clever folk), reproached some of the best of the | Conservative lot for the scorn or neglect with which they treat the | the whole hog'with us, and what’s the use of t Conservative press; and what is the constant answer? “Hold your tongue, you cynic, won’t you! We can’t get my clever fellows to go I ese twaddling, emo- tional, Sword-of-Gidecn beggars?” The language is not refined, but a certain licence is permitted to the angry. Mr. Punch has replied, sweetly, that a Party claiming half the Commons, and two-thirds of the rds, and no end of parsons, squires, and beadles, ought to have an Organ, and that organ should play authorised music. Fresh abuse, too ul to set down, has been the result, and Mr. Punch has even been informed that he takes an unfair political advantage in attacking the Tories for anything that Gamp and Harris may “cackle.” Yes, cackle was the coarse word; and when Lorp ****** reads this, let him blush. But Mr. Punch does not mean to desert his dear old women. “What—aa old woman must not be cast away,” says DrypEN. And for the dear angry old souls’ complaint that Mr. Punch makes “no fun” out of the “humiliated honour of England,” and the British Lion crouching miserably at the heels of the French poodle, all he answers is, Wait a bit. Wait till the Tories come in, and ther we will have fun enough and to spare. Mr. Punch has put them out twice within the last ten years but the way he will do it when they come in again shall even make Mrs. Gamp and Mrs. Harris crack their old stay and sneeze themselves into fits of laughter. Bless the old dears! THE SEVEN SLEEPERS IN TROUBLE. Tat England is the land of liberty, what foreigner will doubt who reads the subjoined paragraph from the, Times ?— “A New Criuz.—On Tuesday morning seven gi {es were charged, before the Rev. Urian Towxrn, at Hayle (Cornwall), with sleeping under tents, and were each committed to 21 days’ imprisonment in the county gaol, with hard labour. The | party consisted of mother and six children, aged 20, 16, 15, 13, 10, and 8 years.” . The punishment of twenty-one days’-imprisonment and hard labour is one which is very terrible to evil-doers. "A thief would much. rather “ have three months.” An imprisonment of twenty-one days, with | labour, is also imprisonment with hard fare—imprisonment on a diet so | low as to be insuifici cient to support life for a much longer period. Such a punishment as this is we especially gipsies of ten and wae years of age, t under tents, if that repose is Uris Tonkin what he imagines to be calculated to ingress upon gipsies, and e illegality of. sleeping legal, which it must. be, or else the Rev. etter be relieved of the office of administering Let us hope that the incarceration, by the fiat of that worshipful and reverend gentleman, of a mother and her six offending children, for taking the liberty of passing the night after forte. the manner of the patriarch ABRAHAM and his family, will operate as a salutary example on unthinking persons of the better orders who do not mind what they are about when engaged in a pic-nic under the shelter afforded by Messrs. EpGIncTon. The King of Prussia’s Triumphal Song. (Adapted from North-Country rhyme.) THERE’s Germany, Francis, and I, Three great lusty men, - : We’ve wholloped a poor little bairn Till it couldn’t get up of its sen. Sam at THe AcapeMy.—Punch doesn’t care who said it. It was extremely rude to call the Commission on Capital Punishments, the } Hanging Committee. ' Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the Oo City of London, Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitetriars, City r White of London.—Sarvuapar, May 14, 1964. Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie fm the Precinct of of %. Bride, City London, and Published vy them at No, 8o Fleet Street, in the

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Mar 21, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ty Yy THE STICKLEBACK POACHERS DETECTED. A SKETCH ON THE SERPENTINE. (Mem.—WE THOUGHT IT WOULD HAVE BREN BETTER IF THE PARK-KEEPER HAD | LOOKED AFTER THE ROUGHS AND THEIR YELPING Docs, WHO RUSH AFTER THE | HOM, = ok ie i” TALLYHO THE GRINDER ; OR, LORD WESTBURY’S COUNTY COURTS’ BILL. Tus Tallyman has, heretofore, wale greedy wolf — ith legal engine ground the poor, Sing, Tale the Grinder! A wife would run a man in debt Who didn’t duly mind her ; Then he was in the huckster’s net : Sing, Tallyho the Grinder ! In County Court the victim, sued, Of justice not a finder, Had out of him the money screwed : Sing, Tallyho the Grinder ! But now is WEsTBuRY’s new Bill . For Tallymen a binder — ‘rom screwing so poor people still : Sing, Tallyho the Grinder ! *T will strike a heavy blow at tick, A stunner and a blinder, And disappoint the tally trick, Sing, Tallyho the Grinder ! To tempt a wife, then, with a yey Trust not the spouse behind her ; The word’s “ Cash up and stumpy down ! ” Sing, Tallyho the Grinder ! Agricultural Distress. ~ Ni aye J pi In the Agricultural districts there has lately been much | distress, arising from the inability of large farmers to | | resolve the following problem :— Q. Ifa man, having one Dairy, found that the building | another was of vital consequence to the pecuniary interests | of his milk-trade, why ought the erection of such house, | as aforesaid, to be a matter of but minor importance ? | The answer to this is:—Because such a buildin | Second-dairy Consideration. Aw Answer Requirev.—Dr. CULLEN says the back- bone of Ireland has gone to America. He omitted to state Horses IN THE RIDE, INSTEAD OF INTERFERING WITH THESE POOR LITTLE ANGLERS.) | when the jawbone was to follow. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. May 11. Monday. Yes, only the eleventh of May, but the public will be happy to hear that the Session is already Pm Nee as virtually over. ts neck is understood to be broken,” says the Zimes, and the CHANCELLOR this week spoke of the impending “massacre of the innocents.” This is truly delightful, and who knows but that some of these ¢ it may not be discovered that the sun can rise, and men can dine, and the young can marry and be given in marriage, and under- takers can prosper, and all in the absence of Parliaments. We are horribly in advance of our age, we know; but every year some superstition is vanishing, and why should not Mr. LEerevre’s wig fly up to the stars and shine with Berenice’s hair. Lorp CaMPBeLL tried to get up a Polish demonstration, and Lorp RussEx1 replied to him in so exquisitely Whiggish a way that it ought not to be forgotten. “ Poland’s true policy is to wait until the Russian Liberal Party shall come into power.” The dear little old man thinks but of lobbies, and divisions, and party cheers at four in the morning, and fancies that he hears Prince Suwarrorr, and Duke ConstTaNTINE, and {Baron KNouTEMALL announcing that they merely hold their places until His Constitutional Majesty the Emperor shall be pleased to nominate their successors, ussian heads must be punched — in the meantime. As a burlesque writer would probably “A Russian Speaker now were out of place, Czars must nap pepper ere they give the Mace.” In the Commons there was a curious scene. It was announced that the Conference had arranged an armistice, for a month, between the es and the Germans. A few minutes later a telegram was read, stating that three Danish vessels had engaged five Austrian vessels near Heligoland, that the Danes were victorious, and the Austrians were hurrying away for Heligoland, so as to be in English waters. The House of Commons rang with cheering. We had a long Supply debate, with a little infusion of Catholic and Protestant rancour (a school question) to make it endurable—the Part- nership Bill was much mangled, and will probably be withdrawn, and Frep Peet brought in a Bill enabling the QuEEN to grant a lease for 999 years of the College of Physicians, in Pall Mall East. Ah! Long before that lease shall be out it is to be hoped that the world will have learned to do without physicians, of any kind. Tuesday. Lond ELLENBOROUVGH withdrew his Bill for establishing a sort of Council to revise Capital Sentences, the Government having assented to the appointment of a “Hanging Committee.” Lorp Repgs- DALE expressed his dislike of “extenuating circumstances.” They never were so ingeniously pleaded, in Mr. Puncu’s recollection, as when a Frenchman, who had murdered his father, and also his mother, hoped that the Court would have mercy on a poor Orphan. : Mr. Wuire, of Brighton, objected to our present system of taxation. Mr. Guapstone admitted that it had objectionable points, but said that the question was not how to do what was best in —— but how to get the money out of people’s pockets. The House was Counted Out. Wednesday. This day was rather remarkable. It may be mentioned in history with the days on which Casa crossed the Rubicon, Mario went over to the Covent Garden Opera, and Lorp Dersy abandoned the Reform Ministers. Mr. Barnes moved the Second ing of his Bill for lowering the suffrage in boroughs to £6. This is avowedly a Radical measure. The Conservatives have always opposed it on their own grounds. The Liberals (since they have been in office) have met such proposals by objecting that they were made at a wrong time; that the og | ic did not care about the matter; that the franchise might properly e lowered, but that the amount proposed was not a wise one; that the scheme was only fragmentary; that the Government ought to have charge of such measure, and so forth; and this sort of thing was expected from the Minister who might have to speak to-day. But Mr. Cave having moved the previous question, the CHANCELLOR OF THE VOL. XLVI. Y as | above-mentioned would be, from its very nature, only a |

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#8 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Mar 21, 1864, Excusquer,, and M.P. for Oxford Universi himself of a strong speech in favour of Mr. Barnzs’s Bill. Par- liament, he paid, had not done its oy in regard to Reform—there ought to be a sensible increase in the Constituency from the working classes—those who would exclude 49-50ths of that class ought to show wy this should behe believed that if the upper portion of the lower order wenn eee demagogues, and that there wee: off in its favour with Mr. fo was &@ very that class and their superiors. He supported the Bill, and ee y . Lever, who was inst ‘it.. HITESIpE expressed his astonishment, and wished that Lorp Paterston had been present, as he would have roved to his refractory Chancellor that sueh a Bill ought not to pass. here was a longish debate, and the Bill was rejected by 272 to 216. All the world wants to know the meaning of this sudden conversion of the Conservative Member for Oxford to the views of Messrs. Bricut and Conpen. Is he going to throw the University over, and offer himself for Finsbury? If so, Mn. Cox had better stand for Oxford, Ye ae advise him to go down to Commemoration, and get made a Thursday. Yankee agents are very active in kidnapping poor ignorant Trishry and the like, really catching them . | to remonstrate, but he will do no good, the temptation to smuggle the article Irishman is téo high. We-can only enter these grievances in an account to be set against the demand with which we are threatened for compensation for the eo done by the vessels we have allo the Southerners to steal out of our dockyards. __ Are we never to hear the last of the Education squabbles? Sim Gzorer Grey and the Government have found out, after a month, that their honour is wounded by the vote which caused Mr. Lowe to —. | So they demand a Committee to inquire into their conduct. Bernal Osporne took'an opportunity of giving some very hard words to Lorp Rosert Cecrt and his party, in reference to their c . against Mr. Lows, and was in no way daunted by the threat that words should be taken down. On the following night, Lows himself had something rather severe to say about Members who avail themselves of information supplied by disloyal or po t Government. Touching which, there is much to be said on both sides. One hates a man who is not true to his employers and his “ salt,” but just as our allegiance to the Queen over-rides all smaller ties and obli- tions, it may be that a duty to the nation may interfere with technical evotion to a certain office and set of head clerks. All such cases must be judged se ly, and on their own merits, and in the present case, though Mx. Lowe is a loss, it is quite clear that a most objectionable system of suppression has been brought to light through the spite of his enemies. | | | | ' | We had rather an amusing debate, in Soap. about the Parks. Regent’s Park costs about £10,000 a-year, though we have no idea how the money can go, unless it is in lozenges for the men who make night | hideous by bellowing frantically “ All out,” until they get frightfully ' hoarse. It is not spent in cleansing the Ornamental Water, the odour | from which is at times simply poisonous, nor is it pte keeping order | in the Park, and preventing great coarse louts from insulting nurse- maids, knocking ote ildren, and beating their remonstrant little | brothers. In fact, Regent’s Park is the worst kept of all the Parks, and the representations and complaints made to Mr. Pusch upon the sub- ject are awful. Friday. While the armistice lasts, the German robbers are to desist | from robbing the Jutlanders. ovis Napoxzon, our dear, do you so | very much want that German frontier? We are not desirous to spoil | our maps, but if your heart is so very deeply set upon it— we will | speak further of this business.” | Lorn Westsury’s plan for doing justice to Prorgssor Jowett has | not met with the approval of the Lords, who incline to try whether the University itself cannot be brought to do what is right. The hard thing | is that, if the matter were left to the University itself, justice would be done at once; but it is the outlying parsons, saturated with the preju- | dices of stagnant parishes, who rush perspiring into Oxford and neutra- | lise the votes of the men who think, and who are really interested in | the question. The Bill stands over, Lonp Wesrsury not forgetting to say a sharp thing or two about “hollow pretences.” It came out the same night, in the Commons, that the ArncHBIsHor or CANTERBURY has the right of conferring the degree of M.D. Let him exereise it in favour | of Mx. Jowerr, and order him to bleed and shave the heads of the frantic ye that is bringing the Church into contempt by bigotry. ere we would mention, that twice this week there was interesting debate touching Mr. Hersert, the painter, and the glorious fresco which he has set up in the New Palace of Westminster. Let us record a generous tribute paid to the work by Mr. Brien, who was for a large | vote in reward for so noble a creation. The unanimous homage of the | House was liberally paid to Mr. Hersert, and yet it was impossible | to extort from Government more than a promise that the mean pay —_— Hexpert’s by right should be, in some muddling and unexplained way, somewhat increased. Had it been a case of some ; pretending to engage them for railway work, but | or the Federal army. Lorp Russe. promises | | tyrannical Ya: |hawe maintained so noble a resistance against the servants of | arose, and delivered clumsy sea-officer (with high friends) who had smashed one of our ships | on arock, and wanted compensation for the loss of his own outfit, it would | have been instantly and fully accorded, with a severe rebuke to any low- minded economist who would add to the sufferings of a t officer by refusing to buy him a new dressing-case. How “ the Services ” would have started up and borne tribute to theclumsy man’s merits. But here was only a painter who has done » work will live when every name in both the Army and Navy Lists shall be utterly forgotten. © finished the week with an American dispute. That is to say, _ Fagen — Comererts, is ont that the Pare yeorgia, which was got away from England pretences, as since been devastating Federal commerce, should now be in Liverpool, and yet not be seized. /The Arronney-Gewwra. had to justify our non- | action, and his technicalities were highly satisfactory te those who | desired an excuse for not doi oe ‘To speak confidentially, and | Om the understanding that things go no further, the case is this. Ifwe | Only knew which way the war was going’ If we were certain that the erm and almighty bird of freedom waves its alablaster wings in fashingtom and smiles ‘on all that is free and enlightened, would triumph over these savage, disloyal, feroeious rebels, those stealers and floggers of men and women; t ruffiams, assassins, and t not, we should know what to do. But if thatresolute and t band of Confederated oe who have withdrawn from vulgar and ees, and, aided by their faithful coloured vassals, loafers, jobbers, musereants,’ seam and spawn of the Nerth—if these Southern patriots should establish their independence—wh . Therefore, you see, the crisis dammeadls the greatest amount of talk and the least amount of action; so we had an awful lem talk, and then we Counted Out. F SILENCE THOSE STREET ORGANS. ‘THe name of Mx. Bass is announced as. that of the author of a Bill for the abatement of the Orgam-muisanee, thus epitomised in the “Sraeer Mosro.—Mr. Bass's Bill is very short, It déscribes the existing law as insefficient for the protection of householders "from annoyance by street musi- cians, and it proposes to enact that any householder, personally or by his servant or by a Police Constable, ‘may require any street musician or singer to depart from the wom of the house ; and a penalty up to 40s. is imposed on every one who, after being so required to depart, sounds or plays upon any musical instrument or sings in any thoroughfare near such house. It is to be lawful for a Police Con- stable to take the offender into custody without a warrant. The Bill extends only tothe metropolitan police district. The second reading is fixed for the 8th of June.” May the manly voice of Bass ave effectual when raised in Parlia- ment against the childish treble of the dissonant pipes of organs which delight none but idle menenmase and their charges. If Mr. Bass carries his much-required measure, we sh those ‘grinding | i ualling | b If. have a | | higher opinion of him than ever; and he is a legislator of whom we have | never thought small beer. The interests of beer, it must be remem- | bered, are deeply concerned in the suppression of beer which Mr. Bass is famous for brewing will kee long as nobody drinks it; but even Bass’s beer is liable to be turned |sour by organ-grinding. Should his Bill for the protection of house- barrel organs. The in any climate as | holders’ ears become law, we shall have no hesitation in recommending | his beer as safe to remain sound under all external conditions. We shall | also propose that the relief from organ-grinders obtained by Mr. Bass | shall be commemorated by a monument inclusive of a Basso rilievo. There will be time enough between this and the 8th of June to rectify any portion of the wording of the Bill which may be capable of any latitude of construction. Let it distinctly provide that the organ- | grinders, singers, and bands, shall, when required, obliged to go — out of hearing, and make themselves altogether scarce, and no mistake. The Great Well Paid. Art the annual Ascension Dinner at Lambeth Palace, given by the AncusisHor or CawTersury to the Bishops, the four Archbishops of England and Ireland were present, together with the BrsHops oF | | Loxvos, Durnam, Wincnester, St, Asapa, CoicHesteR, Oxrord, | | Bangor, Lianparr, Gioucester, SauisBury, Ety, Canuiste, Wor- cesteR, Licurretp, St. Davin’s, Down awp Connor, and Linco.y. Their united incomes amounted to a considerable sum. MOTTO FOR PROSPECTUS OF JOINT-STOCK COMPANY. * The earth hath bubbles as the water hath, And this-is of them.” Natural Science. since Nature herself often shows us the Oyster and the Par}, coexisting in the same shell. ee Srovt, Porter, or other Beer, is the most proper tipple with oysters; |

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May 21, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. GREENBACKS FOR THE GREEN. | REzsPECTABLE Ame- | ao perhaps, to speak more exactly, the snapeceanee Lanett. can paper, the Vew Yi ~ "ince, thus | announces ex- | plains an act of) rascality which has just been com-| mitted by the State | Legislat jure ;—’ debt shall be paid foreign holders as well | as to native ones, in | and not in coin. | mn other words, a jes would receive six per cent. in the standard = currency of the world, namely, gold or silver, or its equivalent, will | eerie our per cent., pos- | sibly only three. As a, or the, | respectable Ameri- | can per the New ay supedites thie sat ef pestidepndinticn, inatand of on ioe. nantly repw is act 0 repudiation, instead o In | it. A thus ing an honest _— that journal has distinguished | itself by an act ef courage w! t us hope, has not caused its office | to be demolished by the publie of New York. ; ; Our own Times, in its American correspondence, contains, besides an | account of the roguery above related, the statement following :— “ New York, however, does not stand alone in its dishonesty. The State of Ohio, | which had a reserve in gold sufficient to discharge the interest of the debt due te | its domestic and foreign creditors, had the meanness to sell at a high premium the gold which it held in reserve to meet its liabilities, to pay its creditorsin greenbacks at par, and to pocket the difference.” The sufferers by the financial dodges above specified will of course be exclusively foreigners. What Yankee would ever lend money to his own State? The greenness of the greenhorns who have sunk their eash | in the New York and Ohio securities, falsely so called, is suitably repaid | in greepbacks. There are ly not a few of these unfortunate | pone. The world has grown but little if any wiser than it was when | yDNEX SmirH said that he had invested in Pennsylvanian bonds in | common “with many other unwise people.” The cheated creditors of | Ohio and New York, to be sure, may oy that they were never such fools as to expect that those States would be restrained from cheating | them by any moral considerations. They perhaps relied only on the | assurance the greatest rogues will pay just interest if it is their | interest so to do, as it may be supposed to be if they wish ever to be | trusted again. But Yankees take a short-sighted view of their own | interest, which for the present lies in cheating other people out of theirs. | If they look farther, they speculate on the forgetfuln j and the ignorance or di ess of mankind, | afforded by the fate of other fools. d,on the part of fools, of the warnings | Another Case of Starvation. | “Lapy Mrvtin's first dinner is fixed for Monday, May 3ist.”— Vide Jenxxxe’s | Fashionable Intelligence. Her first dinner ! r thing! How old is she? and why has she | net been fed before this year of “ grace before meat,” 1864? There will | doubtiess be a great concourse of people to see this gentle creature | ravenously devour the dainty morsels. In any case this “giving out” concerning the dinner will end in a “take in.” | FasnionaBte Inretzicence.—A New Club, composed entirely of Aristocratic Literary Ladies, is in course of formation : it is to be called ‘The Blue Lights.’ eepater ‘er a, Drrsy.—The hatching of pote + season partaking of the general backwardness, pigeon-pies for the y-day will be unprecedentedly scarce. vet THE THREE CROWNED LIBERTINES. Solo— ALEXANDER. Hers are we, Sovereigns three, From all restraint our hands are free, For none can get at you and me. Trio—AIBXANDER, WitLiaM, FRancis-JosEru. With a whack and a erack, stick and knout tear back, Till the wretch’s ribs are ‘ Let the guns flash and the death-shot crash, And the blazing homesteads glare ; They may scold and preach, caee *ré out of reach; We are safe, and so don’t care. Solo—ALEXANDER. Mark, how I erush the Poles, Their bodies and their souls ! Their hamlets waste I lay. With stripes their ladi 4 Flog, hang, shoot, right ry left, And banish the bereft Fag = eg = 'o how! in life- woe. Hurrah! the skies are deaf; ~ - Hear not their cries and groans, And curses, in wild tones Invoked on me and my Mouravierr. Chorus. With a whack, &e. Solo—WiILLiam. I have smitten the Danes with the hand of the strong, ” With the might that is right, and can never be wrong ; My men picked off their brave with our sure needle-guns, And we slaughtered their daughters as well as their sons, In Sénderborg, battered till strong Dippel And we smashed their young fry where we pitched the live shell ; So I turn up my eyes and go down on my knees, And give thanks that I’m to do as my Chorus. With a whack, &c. Solo—F Rancts-JOSEPH. I helped those Danes to smite ; We durst not go alone, But did combine to fight ; So they were overthrown. There’s Hungary under my thumb, There ’s Venice beneath my sole ; Where the Western Powers can’t come, I trample without control. So let us join our hands, And trip it round and round. To do our worst eommands As long as slaves are found, We’!| work our omnipotent wil Well torture and burn, and slay. — Let but England and France keep still, And a fig for what they say ! Chorus. With a whack, &c. “ DEBTOR AND CREDITOR.” (See “ Times” lately.) Srr,—I looks towards you as a Light on any subject. Lest the Rashigh, general dle, and Wax trade should. snuffer, I mean suffer, from the statemunts regarding them “ Tally men” as about deluging the soft sex among the Country laborers better with their trickery trum finerry, made b; mean the statemunts not the Snerry) his Lordship’s Honour the Judge of the County Court in a digditch of South Wales, I beg to say that we of our bisuniss have no connection with any Tally man, tho I sighns myself A Tatty CHANDLER. P.S. I say, let ’em be hunted out of the Country, with a pack at their back, and a Tally Ho! PP.S. Or, Sir, if the Drama is to hold the Candle up to Nature, see SHaxspzeER, let us have a Play in which the villain should be the Tally man. This Light ——_ be thrown on the System, from my favurite Theayter, the Wick, New Cut.

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[May 2

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ANOTHER PRETTY L

POLICE REPORT EXTRAORDINARY. | ‘Two ruffianly-lookin f forei d speakin y-looking personages of foreign appearance, and speaking | broken English, who gave their names _as FREDERICK-WiLLIAM Louis | HoHENZOLLERN, and Francis-JosepH Hapspure, were charged before Mr. Butt, the sitting Magistrate, with an aggravated assault and high- way robbery, accompanied by brutal and unnecessary violence, on a poor little Dane, Curist1an GLUCKSBOURG. ; The complainant presented a frightful spectacle.. His head was enve- loped in surgical bandages, one of his arms in a sling, the hand of the other strapped with adhesive plaster, and he seemed unable -to crawl | except with the ongpert of two sticks. When offered a seat on the bench by the worthy Magistrate, he seemed so affected by the brutal treatment he had so evidently received, as at first to distrust even the worthy Magistrate’s kindness, declaring in broken English, with a strong North German accent and much vehemence, that England was a verdammter deceiving place—that he had suffered from trusting Englishmen: how did he know the officers might not pull away the chair from under him, and let him down suddenly ; he had been let down once too often already; how did he know they weren’t all in league with those wretches, pointing to the prisoners; and a great deal more to the same effect ; showing great obstinacy in his asseverations, and resisting every attempt of the worthy Magistrate to stop him, or to obtain explanation of the iculars. of the assault. The worthy Magistrate at last interposed, and begged the complainant to compose himself. He was among friends there, and need not be afraid either of be en in, or made the subject of practical jokes or ill-treatment. He (Mn. B.) sat there in the Court of public opinion, to administer the law, and inflict summary punishment, and, he would take care the complainant had full justice. _ The complainant on this became calmer, and as well as his fearful injuries imperfect knowledge of the English lan would allow him, went on to state that he had recently succeeded to a consider- able, though rather embarrassed, i i some outlying land in Jutland, Schleswig and

olstein, as to the ITTLE AMERICANISM. Englishman (to Fair New-Yorker). “ May I wave THE Pieasure or Dancine wits you?” Darling. “I Guess you MayY—For I CaLc’LaTE THaT IF I SIT MUCH LONGER HERE, J SHALL BE TAKING Root!”

| ownership of some parcels of which—more particularly the last— there }had been long disputes and much litigation in the time of the former owner. The prisoners at the bar appear in the first instance |to have gone to this land, of which the complainant had just taken | possession, under cover of a regular writ of ejectment, which they |msisted on serving, as agents of certain claimants. But whether | this claim rested on an alleged title as heirs-at-law, or as mortgagees, | by virtue of a failure of covenant, or what its exact character was, we | found it impossible to make out, from the very confused account of the }complainant, the constant interruption of the prisoners, and the lextremely imperfect efforts of several volunteer interpreters who lintruded their services with rather suspicious eagerness. At last the | worthy Magistrate got a little impatient, and said “‘he was not sitting | there to try a nice question of title; a brutal assault had evidently been committed. | witness-box to see that.” | Here the older and more plausible prisoner, HoHENZOLLERN, inter- bully and a

| | |rupted with great vehemence :—‘‘GLUCKSBOURG was a | tyrant; he had behaved shamefully to his ray relations, and all | he (prisoner) had done was to protect his relations from the complain- | This gentleman (pointing to the other prisoner) had ? | ant’s violence. . | gone with him to help him.’ hulking fellows, like the prisoners, to person, like complainant, even if they Aad any legal rights, or good | ground of grievance against him.” The complainant protested “he had never ill-used prisoners’ rela- tions; he only wanted his rights, of which the prisoners and their relations had ousted him.” He then stated that on going down to take possession of his property, prisoners, who had collected an armed posse of followers just outside the gate, declared, with very bad lan- guage, that they would be the death of him if he dared to set foot on the land. Complainant remonstrated, and offered to go into the papers Estate in Copenhagen, including | with them, and to make an appointment for the earliest day possible with his men of business for the purpose. The prisoners said “that |

You had only to look at the unfortunate object in the | The worthy Magistrate said, “ mg . os mt a vo <0 eal with one s and weakly |

«MOK YOL ASHOM FHL AA THAL.

« LNVNIVTdWOO FHL HLIM FILLES L.NOG NOK AI ANV ‘HINOW V Wor aqanvwwayw wtad nv nant

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x BRUTAL ASSAULT—REMANDED FOR A MONTH. “YOU ’RE BOTH REMANDED FOR A MONTH; AND IF YOU

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 213 all stuff and that they ’d been hum long enough ; thes if they'd stand ted ware palaver ; they ane ray sat they were twenty to his one: if he Prades he wasn’t to be bullied, and warned them off at their peril: “If he was weak, he’d friends who wouldn’t see him ill- l the complainant became le ge affected) ; “he thought he might say that : Aad had friends who had promised to stand by him and see him through it—they hadn’t kept their word : he would rather not heey el yreay beter The prisoners that,“ he and his conde might be —.” Was it necessary to repeat. the exact language ? The worthy Magistrate said it was not necessary. “ Prisoners then advanced, threateningly, to the gate. He tried to and a woman who was the prisoners and followers, who - the gate, — not quite—murdered the complainant's servants—he saw the es on hay: B groans, 8 a ae ground, j on him me _o— hands and feet, tore the c othes off his back, took all j would no doubt have finished him outright, but for the arrival of a oot by the of the — police-foree, who he disturbance.” worthy if wast very extrao seman’ to be ony soe in tdlgg Sg pear e only wished they were as active in preventing rows and assaults, as they were ready to make their appearance in that Court, and talk about them after they were over. Inspector Russet “hoped the Se eeatiaedk Magistrate didn’t mean the by te neglected thes Gate meee a statement was published the poe with trate’s name os give-it weight—” oa tte og ava the police would now and then i ney te Be of le-door before the steed was stolen.” ter im Court, se was syne suppressed by the worthy there never | i Magistrate : “He would clear the Cont if that was repeated. pis was avery serious case ; a poor man had been brutally ill-treated, robbed A and beaten within an inch of his life—if he ever got over it.” Here the complainant became very faint, and was — by the Usher with a glass of water, which revived and cont: statement, to the effeet yfer the only om acting for ro relatives tas ‘real owners of the , who had been kept out of their cabin by y. the. pong owner he claimed under , hie legal title bet” De had once recognised his title and si cd paper to Plo shen. the poe 2g a Had no b eonsideration hat hadn’t been ers Always. i pesoner though he looked small and , and a person. men, who paid their way, res the ol pre hter very res TEP eee SIR GIOVANNI FALSTAFF. uzss thee, Bottom, bless thee! thou art translated ! ’— But whether into High Dutch, Portuguese, French, Feejee, or talian, Peter doth not inform us. till we really should not ja ge some ay at e " intro- duced to J7 “Dole Bravo Bottom. That. certainly would scarce cu y 4 im our ears than Sir vanni Falsi Imagine lain Jack alstaff being ubbed Sm Giovanyt! Hen 8 herzanti, ee bing in a recitative ad half pesos cesto del. bucat me then only think of his ealling to the tapsters,“ Ola da ber portate—dov’ é’/ mio sack ei x pm Assuredly ‘ p Jack” is one of the Boer persons we should have ever an Italian, and warbling aduet. But SHaxspeare has been acted compan of late, and one cn mal te Vis more wonder to find him at Her Majesty’s than to see Her Majesty’s, i weakest part in Fulstaf’ is Sir John be Frenented O” that Lastacne the Great had lived to play - character! What a Jollity would he have thrown into the Pees pcm how well he would have looked it! Sti Falstaff is most ereditably “executed,” as the slang phrase goes, and a special word of praise is aes to Fraunemx Tretsens, who coed oe "is to him of the fate of is the chief executioner. They who have heard her best im tragedy—say as Norma or Lucrezia—might doubt if she could play oneof the sprightly wg Wives. But let them go and see, and then if they have any eyes will soon see that she-can; and i have any ears"than what J7 Bravo Bottom possessed - in his translation, they will certainly ante that she can sing her part as. sweetly ly aiphe it. The other Moglie Scherzante. too is thanks to good Sienor Arprti, who pan not ory tg the voices to show how fine his band i is, the music of Sir Giovanni can, be heard guper with pleasure, though Giovanni, Sir, in spite of his rotundity, has not such solid stuff in him as Giovanni, "Don. INTENSELY SYMBOLICAL. We have a friend who is great in mathematics. In fact he is so wrapt up inthem that he converses solely in mathematical He addresses communications to his cousin, — Eo of the ‘#sin *a,” He is equally precise in other matte: him one morning deeply immersed in Lunar Theo! he ow the i am of the fragrant weed, we asked him how he could possibly read and smoke; to which we reesived ewer * ber ne was one of those ee who con- sidered that the pipe an symbols) harmonised, oon WRY THE Exenra’s wi that with regard to ANNE BoneyNn and CaTHERINE certainly a case of ‘ ‘ oblique axes.” Since which we wag on nelle despaired of reforming the “ excentric Angle.” iH A Barbarous Name. By a letter from St. Petersburg we are informed that — “ The Granp Duke Micuagt, brother of the Empgror, Lieutenant of his Majesty in the Caucasus, and Commandant of the troops stationed bao for the future bear the title of Commander-in-Chief (gla The sound of “ glaynocomandouyoustehy.” be laughable but its sense is no joke. Tous “gla a hard word, but the unhappy people who are oe tot po nn so nated probably find he tyranny hard lines THE BEST NEWS FOR MANY A DAY. Tux combined flotilla of the Empmron or Austria and the Kare or Prussia has defeated. So have the treops of the Kine or Danompy. acd caries pera " = oe one iia et. ee AR Cc RR et ae Ceara coal

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Mar 21, 1864. Customer. “ A Sticut Movurnine Hat-Banp, iF you Pease.’ Hatter. “Waar Rewation, Siz?” Customer. “ Wirr’s Unctz.” Hatter. “ Favounrrs Unciz, Sir?” Customer. ‘‘*?Um—Wext1, Yes.” Hatter. “May I asx, Str, azz you MENTIONED IN THE WILL?!” Customer. “ No svca Luck.” Hatter (to his Assistant, briskly). ‘‘Courte o’ Incnes, Jonny !” A SCENE OF HIGH COMEDY. Last week a deputation waited upon the CHANCELLOR OF THE pongo geen in order to him to account for his real or supposed 8 in was pleasing to divers persons who had intended to hook themselves on to the Italian Liberator during the —— he had originally designed to make through the provinces. e deputation consisted of persons whose names are nearly all unknown to Mr. Punch and to the public but Mr. Grapstone received his visitors with the most prete emer and the following is a slightly condensed report of the interview :— A Mr. Bratzs. We thought that you wanted to see us. Mr. Guapstons. Well, no, that is not it. But you may ask me any ar like, and I may mention that I have read a speech by one of you, called Sazy, which contains statements that are untrue. Rk. Beares. He says they are not. Mz. Gtapstonz. Really. But as nobody but GarreatpI and myself were t at the interview Mn. SHaxn pretends to describe, I don’t know how he means to support his allegations. A Mr. Saew (of the Irish persuasion) then made a statement. Mr. Giapstone explained what had really occurred, and declared the rest of the story to be “absolute invention.” He, on the of eight gentlemen, had told Garman that he had undertaken what would be perilous to his health. Mr. Suazw believed that the General believed that pressure had been put upon him. Mr. Guapstowz had told Garrsatpr that fables were abroad, and therefore had made an explanation in the House of Commons. Mr. Sew said that people were under an impression. Gtapstong. People should not get under impressions. There i ing the departure of Garrsatpr at an earlier date than | BRAYVO, BASS! (4 Song for Bass-Voices, but not for Barrel-Organs.) Ir I met an Organ-man, wot wouldn’t go, D’ye think I’d wallop him ?—No, no, no. For who knows what the beak who applies the laws Might be pleased to admit was “ reas’nable cause ? ” There are beaks with heads so uncommon thick, They defy you sense into ’em to stick ; And some with skulls so uncommon thin, They won’t hold sense, when it’s been got in. There are beaks who can see no “ reason” at all For stopping an organ’s catterwaul, Unless there be one in the house so ill, That the organ’s grind is likely to kill. The grinning rascals who organs grind, More sympathy oft from such beaks will find, Than the scholar whose brain o’er his volumes reels, Or a BasbaGe abstracted among his wheels, Or the artist whose fancy, on wings of wind, Flees from the demd perpetual grind, Or the weary watcher whose hard-earned rest Is snatched as he can—not as likes him best. But Bass proposes to ask the law, Definition of “ reas’nable cause” to draw ; And as law will be law, though the beak be an ass, Mister Punch his cry is “ Brayvo, Bass!” Nct Bass’s bitterest barrel of beer, Is bitter as are these barrels I hear. E’en good music on them drives me mad. . . Then think what it is when the music ’s bad! A barrel-organ ’mongst those that brew Is Bass from China unto Peru; But a barrel-organ the throat that cheers, Not a barrel-organ that racks the ears. When Bass’s Bill into law is past, The organ-grinder has ground his last ; And my days untortured shall quiet pass Tn a constant blessing on Mr. Bass, And when Mr. Bass after ailing long, Is received the bless¢d brewers among . . . 1’ll his epitaph write, “Mr. Bass lies here, Who brought organ-pests to their bitter bier ! ” > as being too clever and outwitting oneself. ? Lorp © say, that he had a habit of believing people, and it | was such a one | ABERDEEN used t | was a very good habit. He, Mz. Giapstonsg, detested an atmosphere | | of 7 A Mr. Onerrs. The working class are not satisfied. They had | nothing to do with his mapas bad hours, as they always wanted to see him between six and nine in the morning. Mr. Giapstonz. Why couldn’t you leave him to rest in bed? Mr. Opeers. He said he was well enough. Mr. Gtapstore. I can’t go into the question of his health, but there is Dr. Fereusson’s letter. __ ; A Mr. Baxter Lanerzy. Being in the Medical Profession myself, I consider that letter unprofessional. Mr. Guapstone. Dear me, are you, and do you? But I really cannot go into that subject. Mr. Brearxes. The excitement was pleasureable. Mr. Guapstone. Do you think so? - eres Lane ey. The people think that you have been made a tool of. Mr. Guapstone. Really. Well, now, I think Garrsatnr did right to forego the tour. No man, not even Lorp Paumerston, could have gone through the proposed work. Mr. Saazy. Lorp Suarrespury was told by Garrpaxpr that he — it was not expected that he should tell a lie. . Guapstone. I know nothing about that. ; Mr. Baxter Lanetzy. The Quezn’s name has been mixed up in the matter, and reports are about tending to diminish the popularity of the Prince anp Proycess or WALEs. Mr. GuapsTone. People might be considerate enough to remember that the Prince and Princess are not so happy as I am, and cannot meet estimable deputations and defend themselves. Mr. Beates. Well, on the whole, we think that you have been explicit. | ell na A an od ro

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oeo || 8 Mar 21, 1864] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 215 wn Guapstone. I am rejoiced to hear you say so. lim exceedingly | to hear you say so. It will be the pride and joy of my heart to pt that you have said so. If my friend the ATTORNEY-GENERAL were here, I would ask him to lend me his ex _ that I might of | the be a little hymn of rejoicing to hear you say so. met Must you go Well, if you must. (Rémgs.) Door, 5 yen: en bye—Nay, I must |“ ds with all of you—you, and em SHAeEn, and you, LANGLEY — ms Ovens your glove off), you, Bopcens, -— our on, Ope¢srs—I know it rhymed to ind the x ped You don’t know a happy you [Eveunt the Deputation. Mr. eedaenene lage we if there were a cnet I think one might almost manage to and keep it, at the risk of | losing the good opinion of that sort of people. Populus me sibilat, and | a Are th Syumeps ? Re boa Yes. oe the Irishman -wanted to make a speech to | aria the hal-portr, but but Brosss didn’t seem to understand, and os erie Open the windows, Swumrs, and give wd tat tahun of Painted. TALK FOR TRAVELLERS. SHovutp we not touch upon! uestrian ues, having done with ians? The Horse erestate at once | | a subject for remark, and re- moves ail difficulty in opening a street conversation. Whe- ther you understand a horse’s points, or not, is of no conse- quence. A. is on horseback, | and B. is on foot. If both | were Ng 3 would | be at a loss for a topic, merely ~~ some few of the inanities, | which have been, in these pare. so often reprobated. As it is, B-is the first to speak, and either placin ng his hand on the horse’s mane, if near enough to the kerb, or, critic examining his hoofs, he says, “ That ’s a nice animal you ’ve got there.’ s him an animal, as if uncertain whether it is a cow, a pig, or a buffalo that his friend is bestriding. at Se replies A., slightly stooping forward, and patting the horse ; | he’s not bad.” “ A very nice nag,” says B., who will not commit himself to parti- | cularising, by calling it a mare, or a horse. He would probably like to | a u : saying something about a cob or a filly; but as names of this | sort are known nears, he adopts the safer course of you had it any time?” he mama that B. does Hin or Her Of cour it is perfectly imma- e horse has belonged to A one, seven, ne, oF a Sion of y _—. cm se . aware that whatever information | ap not the slightest interest to his interrogator ; | We lad him some tine.” He then adds im an off-hand manner, ety te to a that Ais opinion, whatever it may be, will noe not the ng, =r A., and therefore B. need not a he looks a good, useful, ort of 3 ag useful,—er—s —er—” oul in finishing the sentence: he doesn’t like the t , from his friend’s oe meg is evidently not the word ; and it sounds insulting to call him a beast. So, after a few seconds of er-er-erring, during which he eyes the hind ores. he my oh «he hits geri a way out of his oniiile. > ae —_ sort of eorreeted copy of his speech, “a c = es ly a, observes A. Ah!” ret as if this was exactly what he had expected. “You don’t ride much yourself, eh?” asks A., feeling that it is his turn to start afresh. Mark what an absurd form of question this is. B. either rides or he | does not. If he rides, he rides, himself ; to the purpose. It is himself who when he does ride. No, not much now,” answers By this B. vol a dy a 1 ae - time, he used to keep six horses at om Gong into the Pat wh ake Be ¥es, 1 think , answers A., by rere that his friend ean’t ey pny ta an equestrian. _The horseman only nods a farewel, and so they part company. ely to lead the user of them into the a of an un-| -dress_ recent’ whether much or little is not | worn at Her Majesty’s Concert by H.R.H. H the Duchess of a a eee — ao ae ne tetenrtn eee -18 = The above dialogue, translated for general use, will run as follows, | and should be learnt by all Equepedestrian Conversationalists :— B. I see you are on nperar and I’m afoot ; but ee *re aa a bit the better for all that. I speak to you because I rather like to be seen to a man showily moun! A, arg oe you to stop and talk to me, because I feel some sort of pity for your —— on be vement, B. I don’t know anyt out a horse, but it’s not worth while abusing it, so I may as we pve it’s a nice animal, — y dear B., I don’t care a map for rome ees one way or the other, but, as you say it ¢s a nice animal, ion informing you you are ri nT should like to find fault with him i K-eould, and, I’ve no doubt bey that a horsedealer would tell -— the brute isn’t | yet , as it in no way concerns me, I repeat that it seems Thocw wontel | sort of creature. A. Yes, and you would be very glad to have such an one lf. I don’ t think you can ride, L’m pretty sure you oe afford yet or hire, but just flatter you, my poor Ow, ride much yourself? Ill sto for your answer merely BE ve {3 oliteness, Gay 3 hego yim will give itas quickly as possible, Ee ve ve really oe oa of you, sail “aa ou’re not acquainted with my means, ani aught you Ww, I = ride as often as I like ; however, as you have never, to my know- ledge, seen me when mounted, it will ‘be as well to answer that I don’t ride much gow. As an im fellow like may ask certain other needless, but uncomfortable, questions, I suggest your = your road immediately, by asking if you’re going into the ar A. I am, because that ’s what I came out for; but I shall mot for certain to you, or else you’ll make a point of following and to me in Rotten Row, or wa’ saat the ousanad foo Dive Ta-ta my poor B., I am for an among Equestrian | Fellow-Swaggerers ; for aught I eare, while I wave my hand and smile | cheeringly upon you, you may go to the blank. Ta-ta. My Mission is accomplished. Heneeforth I will be silent ; oyster | wise. Dae a oes ine ee Latinity, dumb, dum the voice of the Sous Paget aad Reprover. necessity evokes cotdiaie of Piecad easier my lessons, host Farewell, my Pi | and easy. ’Give to every man, as his ma such answer as befitteth | question. | Farewell my Equestrians ! Forget not, my Riders, my propositions. Ye mounted ones in Hyde | Park, know that Society is Rotten at the Roe. Farewell ! The voice of the Peripatetic dieth away. His heart is full: so, soon shall his mouth be. Lo! he dineth. Peace to his Hashes. ace / THE LUCK OF MR. SPURGEON. Unver the heading of “A Valuable Dead Letter,” a newspaper paragraph, ~ a day related a good story about Mr. SrurGron, | to the effect following. Mn. Srurczon, like a sensible man, is in the habit of ss to take in letters which are not prepaid. One amongst the epistles rejected by the reverend gentleman having been opened at the Dead Letter Office, was remitted to him with a state- ment that, being anonymous, it could not be ee to the sender. and that it contained something valuable. hore hint, Spuxcron accepted the letter on the us losed a £20 note. He will probably take care in future how he turns away any note from his door, and at any rate we shall ever observe that caution. don | here is a chance for an person really with clairvoyance. ever can en, to tell, by that far ty, whether an unopened letter contains a note, may be assured of lucrative employment at 85, Fleet Street. The clairvoyant sha shall receive half the amount of eve * | note so discerned in any unstamped envelope that may be sent to Pune Court Fashions. Head-Dress —With a view to Ss unusual brilliancy, ladies should ado present season one of style of head. itz, which was composed e Arrangements use of see] cath aunts enteadiciealiane testa Royat Orrenpers.—The Krve or Prosst and the Empsnon oF Austria have had a month given them. We wish it was six months. Tux Ancrents Ovrpons.—Talk of Deedalus and Iearus! A man made wings to his house, and had » fly in it!

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i a _— PUNCH,-OR THE. LON [May 21, 1864. DON CHARIVARI. " Jl'"enea | i} #®* DY Ey), FRIGHTFUL LEVITY. Bus-Driver. “ Hutto, Gov'nour; Gor any Room!” Policeman, Driving Van (with great want of Self-respect). “ Just ROOM FOR ONE; SAVED A PLACE A PURPOSE FOR you, SIR.” Bus-Driver. “ WHat’s YER Fare?” Policeman. “BREAD AND WaTER; SAME AS YOU HAD AFORE!” THE DEFRAUDED OF DELHI. Deuut will have fallen seven years ago come next July. Will the captors of Delhi have been by that time paid the prize-money which is due | to aqme ars of cent as ye ip bee w ayoy Loaly. the font pry ment of it, n whatever su uen e payment o at, ight months since. The aerrd: has been occupied iry into. what it calls “ contingent claims.” t vee on, this erotenee, | have hy kept money. . According co! t, who writes to the Times under the signature of “Tue FatHer or One wHo Fett,” the whose valour is rewarded by protracted ae ie rendering getting impatient of the treatment thas th by, the us experience at the han nonsolvent authorities. regi thréatened that, if called | ainst going till its.claim rhaps thinks it a good joke to utiny by driving them to the .. The following extract from the letter show how the Delhi prize-money is paid, when any of hh een eee ae ap Silhtn te Joly of the slags 1, last ear received £8 12s. I could do so had to t journeys of seven were stationed at the door, man who could ibe was first admitted, while those who had no cash to spare é ae E redtapism, “contingent claims,” can be any other than a shuffling excuse. If contingent claims did not prevent a first. instalment of the Delhi. Prize Money from bein paid, in what way do:they —— the peas of another; or the xB e? Why is them to be paid at ong intervals, as a dividend is declared out ofia t’s ‘estate? Does Downing Street do business after the manner of Basinghall If Downing Street is not the quarter infamous for not payi soldiers, what is that which is? Is it White or do White and Downing Street divide the infamy? Base are the knaves who do not pay what they owe, and why are the rogues who retain the money they are bound ‘to admimister like a musical instrument ? Because they are double-base. And who are they who retain the Delhi Prize Money? Some gentleman in the House of Commons’ will perhaps’ ask the SECRETARY FOR Inp1a. Let the accountable’ parties be immediately called to account, and not suffered to get off by pretending that. they are bad hands.at accounts, and have not chalk heads sufficient to settle ** contingent claims.” Sporting Intelligence. Starters for the Derby.—There will be a great number of Starters this year, chiefly from the Metropolis, weather permitting, and we hope they “ll get down to Epsom safely. (By Electric Telegraph.) There will be only One Starter for the Derby. Mz. ——, we forget the name, but he carries a flag. He will not start Himself. Court Mourning. bee: Kuve oF Dewousr, wis had Be out upon a pevtsiog wt expedition into the coun an unoffending n ur, en been Sicfented, and one thousand of hig i illed, | quence, gone into mourning, out of compliment to their ro | and many wounded. The Courts of Berlin and Vienna have, in conse- | "Raat aa Irena esata Riise eniiiterin, it Aeneas vee Precine?_of Rees ty Se Cee Memes. snd, Bredectck, alhers Benes Sf Coksbces te the Panton of bt. Bride Clty

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POSS ISS AS we GOR {I “Se de May 28, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 217 DRAWN FROM THE BANK.’ Tue City’ article of the Times is to be illus-! Leather Market.—Hides active, but with a|demand.:Tallow, emi Lard, lively. Paper, y trated in future by lively woodcuts, appropriate | downward tendency. tothe several items of intelligence. Some forcible representations have been made for’this*purpose by eminent merchants who desire to impart a genial interest to the mass of figures now so painfully correct and stiff, and which, in their deportment, really ought to be allowed a little play. This hiero- glyphic news will be more read than the present prosy sentences, and while one glance at the sketches will suffice for the busy merchant, con- tinual amusement will be afforded by them to his junior clerks. A — of this improved money column, with the meaning of each sketch, will show at once how pleasant it will be to look at the Illustrated Article. FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE. The Bourse opened flat, But, assumed a more lively appearance after business hours. NEWS FROM SYDENHAM. GopFATHER to the Crystal Palace, and having in that capacity care- fully tended it from the erection of the first iron to the end of the last concert, and being moreover on the whole tolerably well satisfied with is god-child, Mr. Punch has received, not without emotion, a circ upon one subject which has always given him pain. | There is no doubt that the Refreshment Department at the Palace has been the Blot on the Transparent Escutcheon. No civilised person ever thinks of dining there. Yet it would be the pleasantest place near London for the great business of life, could that business be per- formed with befitting rites. How delightful it were, to the husband whose occupation keeps him in town during the day, to appoint a meeting at seven, at the Rosery, with her whom he has sworn not only to cherish but to nourish, and with whom, sweetly smiling at his punc- tuality, he sng proceed to the brilliant saloon, or the quiet cabinet, feast, tastefully, yet not extravagantly, and then, emerging into Sim Josern’s lovely gardens, send up the only cloud that should come over the happiness of good-tempered persons in easy circumstances. How puaes for the father of a couple or a leash of bright-eyed daughters— or the manly and kindly-bantering son of an attached mother—for the attentive nephew of two not unendowed and non-evangelical aunts—for the lover of a graceful maiden and (for the time) of her placid Mamma— to finish a charming promenade in that Palace with either a mg by calm, or sentimental repast, according toidiosyncrasy. But hitherto the thing been impossible. i : ; Not, Mr. Punch repeats, without emotion, has he received a touching Circular or Communication, stating that a new era has commenced. | Two new Men appear upon the scene. He knows nothing, literally nothing of them, but their names are of good omen. One is called Bertram, a name dear to the admirers of Robert le Diable, and the other is called, not Roberé, but Roperts, a name that hath been borne by many ood men, and by no bad men that we remember. Let us overhaul their manifesto. hey promise Important Improvements. Mr. Punch assures them that the field is almost unlimited. New Dining Saloons, adapted for from four to thirty people. Thirty hanged, but a room for four will hold Mr. and y 4, Punch, and he often wants a room that will hold eight, and never sits down with more. Roserts is, personally, to superintend the cuisine. We like the word “personally.” It would be pleasant to us to know that he had Cotton Market.—Stripes tending upwards. | cern. Grey shirtings still unchanged. Soap, no no news. Rags, scarcely covering remittance for rents, Chaff, no end of. Forewgn Stocks—A shade higher, and gold advanced. Confederate Bonds. — Those still on hand are not so tight as formerly. Among the new com- panies a (which will soon enough for an administrative battalion is the “Butcher’s Beefste Association (Limited).” This is a- joint-stock con- kicked a cook, pour encourager les autres. Let him be stern, and never make an excuse for a cook under any circumstances whatever, except the non-punctuality of guests, whom, under such circumstances, we hereby authorise him to insult, blandly. A cook is the slave of Time, and owes his chief allegiance there. In any other case of complaint, let the cook’s second offence be his last. The Tariff will be arranged with Moderation. All very well, but cheapness is dearness if nastiness be present. Charge reasonably for good viands. We do not want aslap-bang on Sydenham Hill, neither do we want to pay as at Richmond, where a season hath three months only. We will dine with you all the year round if you will make it worth our while. “The Wines have been selected from the best cellars.’ We shall take the liberty of testing this statement before we offer a remark, beyond saying that we have drunk,—at least tasted—wine—at least fluid—whereof we can only say that we have no doubt that it was —— from the best cellars, to be got rid of, as we select weeds from gardens. * Autsopr’s Pale Ale. Barciay AND Perxins’s Porter.’ These be good words ; pace Mr. Bantine. . ‘ _“ The Refreshment Counters will present ‘an increased display of light refreshments.” Well, an improvement on dry sandwiches and stale sponge cakes is conceivable. ‘There will be greater quickness of fattendance.” Hitherto, so far as Mr. Punch has observed, the waiters either quarrel frightfully, or converse confidentially, and in neither case is the public a gainer. “The Tea and Coffee will be of the highest character.” We never tried the tea, but, urged by unwise women, have three or four times ordered what was called coffee, and though it might be good enough for ladies at the Crystal Palace, no high-minded gentleman at penal servitude would praise it. Mr. Lit- timer would have said that it did him good to be tried with the coffee of affliction, and Mr. Uriah Heep would have said that it was ’umble stuff and we ought to be ’umble. When one thinks of the coffee in Paris—Bom ! a. Well, Punch is true to his god-child, and gladly gives it this one more chance in regard to Refreshments. It is the most important question connected with the rs of the Palace. Make the CrystaL Drxwer a London feature. We shall be down, incog. one of these fine days, and our report of the proceedings shall be as frank and outspoken as has been our welcome of the promise. Shall we not take our ease in our Crystal ? PUNCH. VOL, XLVI, Zz,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 28, 1864. Cousin Florence. “ WELL, ToMMY, AND SO YOU LIKE YOUR LITTLE FRIEND PHILIP, DO YOU; AND HOW OLD DO YOU THINK HE Is? Tommy. “ Wett, I Don’? EXACTLY KNOW; BUT I SHOULD THINK HE WAS RATHER OLD, For HE BLows HIs own Nose!” COURTSHIP A LA MODE. Lover and rich Mistress walking in garden. Lover (log.) My lady ’s cheeks are like the rose Aside, (The yellow‘rose, I mean)’; My lady’s eyes are, like the sloes (When they are very green) ; | My lady’s lips are like the che (The white ones—not the red) ; My lady is a diamond ' (Ay—diamond black lead). My lady’s teeth are sets of pearls (But then they ’re not her own) ; My lady is a rich ri h yf wae her leatt’oe seit) ; My lady is a spring bouquet (When it poe old) My lady is the queen of flowers (She is my Mari-Gold). Aside, Aside. Aside. Aside, Aside. Aside. Aside, “ ASKING FOR MORE.” Tue poor Custom House officials are clamouring for more pay, and no wonder, when their salaries have re- mained unimproved for twenty years. Mr. Punch feels that the time has come when we should mend our Customs, our Manners having advanced with the age. The Custom House clerks ask to be put on a footing with their brethren of the Inland Revenue, and why should they not ? It is by no means the custom of Mr. Punch to underpay any of his Civil Servants who do their work well, and he hopes the Government will listen to the unanimous and forcible petitions which have been presented in shoals to Parliament, and that the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER will loosen the strings of the public purse, and enable the deserving and hardworking Customs’ officials to live ina decent and respectable way. Those collecting twenty- four millions of money must feel the tortures of Tantalus, when they see “Money, money, everywhere, but almost none for them ;” whilst their more fortunate confréres in the squandering departments of the Civil Service receive | respectable salaries. THE RECRUITING SURGEON. WE are not as yet at war, so that there is no extraordinary number of legs and arms in the —y | requiring amputation, nor do any bullets need to be extracted from the bodies of any British soldiers, except those engaged in fighting the Maories, not to mention the blackamoors of Ashantee, who fight shy. What is there, then, to account for this advertisement, which has appeared in the 7imes 7— ARMY MEDICAL DEPARTMENT, 6, WHITEHALL YARD, 22nd April, 1864. ActiING ASSISTANT-SURGEONS being REQUIRED, for temporary service with the Army in the United Kingdom, gentlemen duly registered to practise medicine and surgery under the Medical Act of 1858, and desirous of obtaining such appointments, may apply immediately to the Director-General for the printed form uired to be filled up by every Candidate previous to employ- ment. They will receive pay at the rate of 10s. a-day, and allowances equal to those of a Staff Assistant-Surgeon. Gentlemen are not eligible for these appointments whose age exceeds forty years. J. B. GIBSON, M.D., Director-General. Whence the pressing demand for Army Surgeons, manifested by the foregoing notice? Simply, from the revocation, at Head Quarters, of the Royal Warrant of 1858, which assured Surgeons in the Army of suitable relative rank, proper precedence, and the social position due to gentlemen, The faith thus pledged was coolly broken by certain other orders called the Queen’s Regulations, issued in 1859, which rescinded the QuEEn’s Warrant of 1858 with a dishonesty most ~ oy to Her ESTY’s name; audaciously connected with them. These new arrangements, dictated at the instance of the so-called “combatant ” officers, provided that the medical officers should rank as civilians, and be treated as snobs. The consequence is what has necessitated the above advertisement. There is a surgeon-famine in the Army. Men of education refuse an office which subordinates them to a lad who is pos- sibly a contemptible puppy. Service in the Army, instead of being sought through the ordeal of a competitive examination by spirited young Surgeons, has to be importunately tendered to practitioners of the ma- ture age of forty. Their practice must be very unprofitable if they can gain anything by exchanging it for temporary employment in the Army. When the gallant combatant officer, who insists that his Surgeon shall be a snob, comes to have bis leg removed, or a bullet extracted from his hip-joint, he will perhaps lament that the operation has to be performed by an operator for whom Dr. Grason, the Director-General, was reduced to advertise, in his capacity of Recruiting Medical Officer. Coronet Nort#, in a late debate on the Estimates, stated that there were two hundred vacancies for Army Surgeons the other day, and that only six candidates presented themselves for examination. If war ensue, and the Duxe or CamBrineg, in action, should unfortunately receive any injury needing surgical aid, it is to be hoped that the Surgeon who shall render that aid to his Roya HicHwess will be one of those six. In the meanwhile, perhaps, the restitution of the Royal Warrant of 1858 will relieve Dr. Greson of the necessity of touting for surgeons to job the Army. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. May 19. Thursday. It seems hardly worth mentioning, but a form is a form, as the boy said when he knocked his shins against one, and the Berkleian usher said it was no matter. The Commons re-assembled after the Whitsuntide holidays, and then did a much more sensible thing—they adjourned almost immediately. Friday. Again the Commons met, and Lorp Patmerston appeared among them after his illness, and was received with all acclamation. Some talk on foreign politics elicited the facts that the Government do not intend to interfere in China—unless it seems expedient so to do— and that the very objectionable Ashantee war is to be concluded. This latter news is satisfactory. For the Use of Schools. (By a Cockney.) Way should not Dr. Warts’ Poems be read by youth?

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aie J et i, Ee i w wer ow ts eee eee rs " or ve May 28, 1864] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Hl i | of inl to ~ id Ovr FrienD, Bos SNYFFLETON, GOES IN FOR BEING A GREAT Swett, Hz HAS BEEN WALKING WITH TRIS CounTRY CovUSIN, AND TAKING HIM IN “TO RIGHTS,” BOWING TO EVERY WELL-APPOINTED CARRIAGE, AND DROPPING PLAIN CARDS AT THE BIGGEST HOUSES IN May-Farr anp BELGRAVIA. AN ADVENTURE WITH THE PAPAL BRIGANDS. His Horiness tHe Popz, the other day, gave utterance to some very fine sentiments touching the atrocities committed by order of the Emperor or Russia on the insurgent Poles. The subjoined state- ment, however, in a letter from the Z%mes’ Correspondent at Naples, would seem to show that the Holy Father shines rauch less brightly in practice than he does in preaching with regard to nationalities asserting their independence :— “It is a very speaking comment on the evil influence which Rome exercises in this Ps naay 5 that ae is now confined almost exclusively to the Basilicata and Terra di Lavoro, w latter district borders on the Papal States. Here fresh bands are reported continually, while in the Basilicata, under the direction of GrneRaL Patavicint, they are exterminated.” Torture and murder, to say nothing of cannibalism, as practised by Sr. Crerrano pi Gata and his companions in bonds under sentence of martyrdom, appear to be, in the estimation of his Holiness, one thing when perpetrated in the service of the schismatic Czar, and another when performed in that of the faithful ex-Kive or Nartes. However, be that as it may, the Porr’s eet robbers are not so much more brutal than savage beasts as to be incapable of being mollified by the charms of music. So, at least, it appears from the sequel of the fore- going statement :— ** A curious story is told of the capture of a tenor named GuGLiELa1, when on his road to Potenza, to sing in ‘the theatre of that city during the Carnival. Full of apprehension, he resolved on trying the effect of his voice, and sang a romanza of ERDI. The band were ‘hted, treated him with great attention, and made him its ; but it was not till after a captivity of two months that he obtained > , and then his hair was white, although he was only twenty-five years Here is a safe plot for an Opera. All the regular elements of a pular lyrical drama are present. You have an adventure among a arog the hero of which is himself a singer. He mollifies the Tuilians into whose hands he has fallen by the charms of song. The action takes place amid Italian scenery. A dance of the bandits with their female associates absolutely introduces itself. So does a drinking chorus with a burden of tric-trac, or snick-snack, or sometliing equally sensible, and a peasant girl’s ballad, with as wise a refrain of tra lira la. A vesper hymn, illustrative of the piety of the papal freebooters, is my a matter of course. The author of the /ibretfo will only have to provide the hero with a heroine, whom he ultimately marries, his whitened hair having been completely restored to its previous colour by Row.anps’ “Incomparable Macassar.” The Opera might be entitled The Tenor among Thieves, and, out of compliment to the patron of Messrs. La Gata & Co., it should be dedicated to the Por. BUSINESS IS BUSINESS. REMARKING on the Prince or Watzs’s graceful address at the Literary Fund dinner, a daily contemporary says— “ A dedication to some illustrious personage will no longer sell a dull volume ; and the compliments of My Lord or his Grace would he wholly inefficacious to induce Messrs. LoncMaNn or BRADBURY AND Evans to become the publishers of a work which had not its own merits to recommend it.” We are not in possession of authority to make any statement on behalf of Mzssrs. Loneman, but we are sure that in all transactions they would be guided by their accustomed good judgment. But Mr. Punch may possibly have had some slight glimpses into the minds of the gentlemen last mentioned, and may be justified in saying that “compliments” is a word of elastic meaning, and that if that word accompanied a manuscript transmitted to those parties by a real nobleman, they would not think of insulting the aristocracy by limiting the significance of the syllables. They would be held to mean that his Grace guaranteed the entire expenses of the work, and a sale to himself, if not to the omg of at least 50,000 copies. If a work were entirel unobjectionable, therefore, the “compliments” of a nobleman woul certainly pore its publication in itefriars, and Mr. Punch may mention this, on the part of his friends, as a modest aristocracy may at present be debarred from publishing much which would appear were the exact cost ascertainable.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL, [Mar 28, 1864,

“Yes, THERE WAS NO EscaP# FOR IT; THERE was ADOLPHUS MUFFYNS, OF THE ExTeRNaAL AMALGAMATION OFFICE, ON THE OUTSIDE OF A HornsEy "Buss, IN A Lock on Lupegatz Hin, sust over Mrs, Sweiiineton’s Baroucug,”—(Zxtract -) from an unpublished MS.

PLAY IN PUBLIC OFFICES. Tue attention of the Ministry is hereby directed to the euustionay oe a a oh se 242 SU ee oe ee ee 0

fr

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Mar 28, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 221 Whose flowers in the coster’s basket grow, And are offered in barter for “ any old clo’” :— Whose laburnums and lilacs must fight to the death ’Gainst the granite-dust and the ons’ breath : Whose May-day garlands are those one meets Hawked for pence through the reeking streets ; Whose May-day blossoms, if ever seen, Are the paper ones tacked to a Jack-in-the-Green ? poy of all er hun! om ey ’re pre’ as times go-—— The greatest humbug I beg to say, Is the humbug ’bout “ merry” months of May! OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. ¥ paz Poncu,— \j iy managers run " pieces only le the mania ‘of a play ve anything 0 with its attractive- nese to play eS doubt the two Comedies which have for many hundred \ nights. i cums \) me as a playgoer hear Sen pieces were nt to be made visible ; but the gloss went off the charm when I learned that they were both of them adapted from the French, and more- over were adapted both from the same play. I had smacked ; my lips beforehand to think what doubled relish I should have for the}two novelties; but alackaday! the entrées were stale and réchauffées, and there was the same flavour at the bottom of them both. Of the one served at the a fe Punch hath already spoken, and with justice, in dispraise ; and I need but add a word to hint that Davip Garriox, even if he did get tipsy, was too much of a gentleman to stumble ladies and tumble on their laps. Of the piece at the St. James’s—which is less obnoxious in some sense than the other, as the name of a great actor is not taken in vain in it—I cannot say I think the — of its author is advantaged mueh by ing this “new” Comedy of his dragged out of the obscurity where it been hidden for some half.a- score of years. Asa critie who writes anything that is not compli- mentary, will soon be as rare a creature as a o or a Pheenix, I to prove that such an animal is not yet quite extinct, by quoting vas abe Morning Advertiser says—and very sensibly withal—anent the oachase :— “Such a play is of the stage most 3 and Mr. Bovercaurr has shown his utter contempt for anything but getting a th at his generally smart dialogue, or exciting by some surprising sensation. ‘Actual character, human probability, sites of 0: rcame, "Se peat shcter nak Bap ssontage coal W eeeiae tol cnali’ eke tap aims he thinks it the duty of the dramatic muse > pursue” SHaksPEARE—pray don’t be alarmed: Iam not going to speechify about his Tercentenary ; that’s all over, thank ess! and his birth- day may be kept for another hundred years without a blare of penny trumpets and a blaze of fireworks—SuAKsPEARE was no scholar, so his friend Ben Jonso tells us; and it may indeed be doubted if he ever went to school. - His “‘smali Latin and less Greek” he picked up nobody knows where: and perhaps to read and write in his case “ came by nature.” But then SHAKSPEARE was a genius,” and a genius can do things that a common mortal can’t. I fear young LupBeRtys for instance, would never find much Greek or Latin come to him by‘instinct, while as for that dunce GosetETon, he never would haye learned so much as Arma virumgue cano, had it not been for the teaching of a man this faen Mr. = Dee Ben eo Gian you Gusls mere Oreator should have inspired the greates pa - not to counsel them from the senate, not to judge them from to banghy at to ‘admonish > pulpit, but to teach, move, soften, mould, and them from the been pro- \ duced will be found) Mr. M. to hold the stage| 7 armed with a cane.* So although it igs true that SHAKSPEARE never went to school, yet there are _ reasons why a school with SHAKSPEARE’s name to back it should be started, for the good of the profession to which himself‘belonged. The project has been fairly set afoot by Mr. Taner, ed it remains now for the public to make it a success. Subscription are open for this new public school, which will differ from the old ones in so far that it will give a gratis education only to the children of those living by the s Actors, as a rule, have many claims upon their pockets, and can’t afford to send their sons to Charterhouse or w, where they would not be cold-shouldered, as the chance is they may be at “little snivelling private schools.” So I hope the Shakspeare will ish and succeed; and assuredly the names (the Provost of Hton ay pe that appear in the Committee list, are a sufficient guarantee that the e deserves success, OnE wHo Pays. that people who remember how to act the a | ae, and to once again sweet voice in she and Mr. Reep now have heir return from Egypt every P.S. I must just add one word to charming] Prisca Horron warble “ Where the bee sucks,” may it at the Gallery of Illustration, some pleasant peare music t if evening, and before dear Mrs, Roseleaf gives her eter “little y aS At party.’ * PAPER—PA-P4AR.” On Saturday last the Inaugural Dinner of the Newspaper Press Fund took place at the Freemasons Hall, and the Chairman was Lorp Hoveurox, whom, in connection with literature, we prefer to call ONCKTON Mines. His speech was in admirable taste. The und needs no recommendation, but everybody who reads a paper ought to send a contribution, and the names of all the best men of what Mr. Cantyiz ealls “the writing sort,” are guarantees for the due administration of the institution. Mr. Puach will only say, that to those who do not support this association, and have not real and valid exeuse (not an Income-Dax excuse, but one satis- factory to the conscience), he wishes all sorts of newspaper evils. For instance. May their paper be late, or not come at all, when there is most interesting news. When they have been presented at Court, may their names be left out by mistake, or may an error make the world believe that it is their hateful cousins and not themselves who have been honoured. If any of their family get into a scrape and come before a Magistrate, may the case be reported in full and if the wrong-doer should be in the family of some very dear and particular friend, may the report be omitted. May any marriage they ut in be printed wrongly, and SmipstuE be reduced to plain Smiru. ay Supplements often come to them instead of the inside sheets. If they live in the country, may the local postmaster always steal their r to amuse his Sunday. May their contributions to charities be pa) pu lished in shillings instead of pounds, and when they write complaining letters about anything, may the Editor either omit them, or put in a jeering title to the letter, and, by mistake, the real name and address. There—cordially wishing them all this if they do not support the cere Press Fund, we cordially wish them the exact reverses if eydo . A FRAGMENT BY MR. R. BROWNING AND THE PRINTERS. Tue Observer, the other day, rebuked Messrs. Clowes anp Sons, Printers of the Royal Academy Catalogue, on the liberties taken by them with the metre and punctuation of Mr, Rosert Brownine’s Fragment, descriptive of Le1enron’s picture of Orpheus and Eurydice, which, thanks to the Printers, or Mr. Browntne, is as follows :— ** But give them me—the mouth, the eyes, the brow. Let them once more absorb me! One look now will lap me round for ever, not to pass out of its light, though darkness lie beyond! Hold me but safe again within the bond of one immortal look! All woe that was forgotten, and all terror that may be defied ; no past is mine, no future ! look at me!” “Look at me,” indeed! We looked at the fragment until we became quite dizzy. ‘The darkness certainly does not “lie beyord us” at present. 1s it Orpheus, or is it Burydice, who requests the loan of the other’s mouth, eyes, and brow? ‘To be absorbed ina mouth is simply suggestive of cannibalism! And aipenee we ourselves have ere this, had many nice girls in our eye, we should object to the absorption of the bodily presence of the brawny Orpheus “in that precious sense.” Can any Kees of our acquaintance frame a Bond of an immortal look for us? We are anxious to see the party without any past or future, and would, out of charity, give him a present to console him. If the printers are to blame, surely Mr. Brownine will avenge himself by giving them “ one look that will lap them round for ever. Tue Cuivess Navy.—When Chinese Sailors are short of food, they salt their Junk and eat it.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 28, 1864. — ( ATLL AN . (| én. BENG GCE ‘CA “UCI A. RT THREE CHEERS FOR BASS AND HIS BARREL OF BEER, AND OUT WITH THE FOREIGN RUFFIAN AND HIS BARREL-ORGAN! THE FALSE START. From our Political Turf-reporter. FROM A GRATIFIED SWELL. Dear Puncu, Conservative Club. I pon’r often write letters, or bore myself in any way more I nave only time for a line about that false start of Guapstone’s, which has caused so much talk. The fact is that this jockey is nearly the cleverest fellow out, and as you know, Le’s quite up to the Greeks and not to he done when tin’s in question. , Nobody rides neater, an though he keeps the whip pretty quiet, he makes it felt when he does use it. But there are wheels within wheels, and on that Wednesday, when the New Franchise Stakes were run for, it was expected that he would ride Procrastination, and make a waiting race of it, lo and behold there he was on Democracy. I suppose it had been eer among the nobs, but nobody thought that Guiapstong, of all jockeys, would let a horse bolt with him. Bolt he did though, and all the shouting in the | world was no good; he never got the nag’s head round till he’d past | the U.S. (universal suffrage) post, when he pulled oy the Barnes lot were radiant at colo i up. I need not} tting GLapstone into their urs, but though he showed his horse’s points he did no more, and when the struggle came, Democracy was pumped out, and Previous | Spates came in previously, by many lengths. GLapstone has been *| blamed by some who have the pluck to cheek him, which everybody hasn’t, but he says he knows what he ’s about, and does not keep all his eggs in one basket. He adds that one of these days he ’ll show some folks the way to take the lead and keep it, and I dare say he will. Clear Enough. A PRovINCIAL journal says, “ We observe that some Scotch writers actually advocate the street-organs, which are found such a nuisance in civilised cities. We cannot understand this.” Our provincial friend is dull. Street-organs supply a noisy and rather a coarse amusement— and one which can be got for nothing. Ergo, Sawney likes them. University Inretticence.—The Great Lights of the University of | Cambridge are the Two Moderators. than I can help, but I must say that I think a great benetit has been conferred upon good society. I mean yn! way —— a aad arriages, an eaths column. | adopted with the names in the Births, That printing the leading names in big letters, don’t you know ? Declare to you I haven’t looked down that column for years. The class of folks that, because they have the half guinea, or whatever it is, to pay for the printing their names, have been pleased to advertise their domestic arrangements, have made the list perfectly offensive. Swear to you, a fellow read out at breakfast the other morning that the land- | lord at the “ Pig and Whistle” had married the barmaid from the ** Cow and Cucumber.” What the deuce right have such canaille to | compel me to take notice of their concerns, just because I want to see whether anybody I kaow has been and died or anything ? Times don’t go half far enough, and ought to exercise a censorship about these notices, and not. send all over the civilised world the | important information that an attorney’s clerk’s lady has presented him with an attorneylet, or that a butcher respected in the parish (is that R. I. P. ?) has transmitted the chopping block to his successor. Or they might put this sort of thing by itself, and keep a separate part—conse- erated ground—for ws. But it’s something to print the names in big letters, as one learns to skim them, like a buttertly, and miss the in- fernal hollyhocks and cabbage roses, and settle on the tulips and ese image that, old fellow. I tried it in a quadrille, and it went no end. Can’t help thinking that your notion for a fourth column, for Divorces, ought to be taken up, for a fellow never knows who he’s talking to in these days, but all in good time. I’ve a right to be glad of this approach to reform, for the Ztmes that had my marriage with Lapy ANNABELLA in it put us between the marriage of my tailor and that of her mother’s upholsterer, and we — a row at Windermere because she thought it was my fault. ows better than to make any rows now, but the moral’s the same, , May 18th, 1864. Always yours, ALGERNON SANGBLEW.

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May 28, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

PUNCH’S DERBY PROPHECY. Atways ready with a Prophecy, my bloaters, when the Derby day comes round, likewise when it comes square, as I hope it will to all of you, and as I’m sure it will to such of you as put your trustand confidence in your only true and lawful prophet one and indivisible, like the French Empire, except that that’s divided into two parts, Paris and France, eh, M. the Minister of Lost Elections? But never mind that at the Derby—Lorp Dersy:has lost elections before now and behind then, and yet I'll bet Matmesnury’s English to Jounny Russewu's French, that my Lorp Rupert never sulked over it. Revenons 4 nos moutons, which means let us come on to our horses. Birch-Broom turns up first. Of course he is good in a Sweep, (ha !) but a birch to be of any good, must come behind other things. New brooms sweep clean, and I have no doubt of many pockets being swept with the utmost cleanli- ness. Next comes Coast Guard, Now, the business of that personage is not omuch running with spirit as preventing spirits being run, but then we don't always all mind our own business, or everybody’s business would be minded, and the Golden Age would come back and Austria Redux and all that. And a Coast Guard is always ready at a signal. On we goesto Paris. How do you do, our American friend, and how are your light heart and ten pair of—yes, Sir. Now yew calculate as a Yankee razor, sharpened in Paris, will just shave All England, you guess, Wall— only don't knock your head agin it, and then say it was me. Baragah is an offen. sively obscure name, and comes from the savages who use boomerangs, but when the bell rings he may be thought a bel Sadage. On Ely I see the odds taken free-ly. Mr. CarTwricut’s name is a good one for a dentist, but does the horse under- stand t Now for Blair Athol. Bzatn’s Sermons are stupefying, so is Athol brose, but that doesn’t make no odds, you fool, as the ghost politely re- marked to the young lady who objected to be buried on the frivolous ground that she wasn’t dead. Well, bloaters, Blair Athol, like my heart, is in the Highlands, but you see these are Epsom Downs. Nec timothy nec temmery be your motto. Copenhagen was peppered by Netson, and also carried Wettiveron very well at Waterloo, but is now getting old. However, he comes out of the Danes’bury stable, which is consistent in him, and he is half bred, and a half bred is better than no loaf, my loafers. What’s a Holly-fox—a sly cove who gets in all his Christmas invita- tions and chooses the best, or is it Yorkshire for Halifax? I can’t find it in Mr. Cuaries Kuicut's English Cyclopedia, and anything that isn’t there, isn’t worth knowing. He belongs to VALENTINE, so we'll see whether the Derby Day in future shall be called Valentine’s Day. If so, won't the Falmouth bells ring, my dear lord of Tregothnan? Historian is a good name, and historians are long-winded, though they don’t get over the ground quick. Prince Arthur came to grief over a wall— mightn’t have done so over a hedge—don’t you. Xing John was in the list, and if he had run, Prince Arthur would, I should think, have done all he knew to get away from his sanguinolent uncle, but uncle’s scratched, and nephew lacks the domestic stimulus. As for Forager, I was challenged by a rival poet to make a rhyme to his name. I shut up the pump in a minute; for says I, ‘‘ If the brute will not start, I mean Forager, call some eminent 1—don’t scoff ; Senszant BALLANTINe, shrewd Mr. Onpipcs or, Serszant Parry will soon get him off.” There's rhyme, no extra charge. Isaak Walton won't get me in a line, and Dormouse may roll up. Then Jdler, well, dulee est—to be an idler—in loco, but there's a motive to be locomotive at Epsom. I don’t seem to see him in front. If you ask me what Ackworth is, I reply to you with the utmost frankness, a placein Yorkshire, and too far north for yours truly. Strafford may do something if the jockey will behave better to him than Kixe Cuartes did, and only let him have his head; but though Valiant’s friends may put on the pot, I don’t like pot-valiant people. Listen, listen, Mary mine, To the whisper of the Apennine, says SHe.uey; but shelling out on him’s another matter ; and though the racing folks insist on spelling him with two p’s, he may not be as right as two pease. However, Appenine comes of a good stock, though clearly not an Alpen- stock. I shall look at Planet through my telescope, and may find him near the Pole. Master Richard’s mamma is called Bnergy, and I think he will show himself 4 lively little boy. A word in your private ear—notice Privateer. Then there’s a horse called Windham. This is such a common name now that they might as well have called him Smith. His mother was a Fright; but he may be a beauty. Warrior, if like his nautieal namesake, can’t be selected as a cockboat; and as he belongs to a nobleman called Bateman, I hope he'll run as well as Leah. American associations lead me to Washington (there is a Southern American called an army, which may, spite appearances, lead Grne- Ral Les there one of these days), and he is the son of Charleston, and, like another finds “no takers.” I next name Sans Change, who may leave his friends’ pockets so. Dancing out of France into Spain, like Docror

Forstsr’s pupils when they had been whipped, I perceive Guerilla, but if you’d | T, called him Gorilla, I shouldn’t puta monkey on him. Major and Miner may pair off together, and be blowed, or, if you insist ona complete syllogism, my third propo- sition is that we should now liquor. That's better, and having wiped my mouth with cambric, I take up Surat, merely to say that I'don’t cotton tohim. He was formerly called Rehoboam, who was the son of SoLtomon, who is not in the race, though Solon is, a horse from the isle of wisdom, need I name Oireland? If he gives much law he'll lose, even if he gives it to Outlaw, who will be proclaimed any- thing but winner. He must be rather a pirate than an outlaw, for he carries a Cannon. Signalman will not, I think, be seen at the post ; Rappel's name certainly implies beating, but for his mamma's lovely name, Hewperithusa (I shall call my next daughter so), I wish him luck. Take off your hats, for here are Cathedraland Bast Minster (what's that about Nave’s-mire, knave?), but I am not one of the choristers who sing about the former, and as for the latter, As I was going over West-Minater Bridge, I met a West-Minster scholar; He pulled off his hat, And- Drew off his glove, and wished me a very good morrow, and you may apply the Verse, and ask your children his name, which you have told them in the affable little recitation. Regarding Wardance, my dancing days are over (though I should like to make Cotowen Waveu dance to an accompaniment of my own performance) ;

but this Indian dance was usually executed and Victim was Wardance’s dam, and he may nounced pune, has also Indian prochivities ; untutored mind, and through Epsom mists Alpheus—well, ¢' était primitivement un chasseur, at a quicker rate than I think he will if he is not else. Jack Frost is out of place in May, and w the Knight of Snowdon, who is one of (Wamrzr) a Roderick Doo. Then there ip fear this filet d'Hersey will not Now, my beloved bloaters, what i in the Highlands too, or is yours im your highlows? "Tis good to and wise, To get of the race a good view, "Tis game pies, And drink hock, if you’re asked se to Scottish Chiefs was written by Miss Porrsr, and and find only small beer. The accents the last syllable, and Mitton the ‘ Georrrey. Noconsequence? Why, you rhyme than reason with Mary ANN, or any other of her delightful gender. But, not to Leave untold The Story of Cambuscan bold, I think he will win if a certain obstacle does not prevent him, Lastly there ig General Ped, in honour of whom pull off your coats, and in fact have a general peel. Wor let me tell you, and indeed I will tell you whether you will let me or not, tha} when Smaxsrzarz made Thersites observe ‘‘ Did not The General rum then,” Smamspmare (who knew Pre.z well) knew what he was writing about. After what I havesaid, my bloaters, you would be nothing better than herrings, mere heavy if you wanted any plainer indication of the winner of the Derby for 1864, but I will just add that, as you see, his name is in fact the same as that of yours perpetually, PUNncm.

THE EXCELSIOR BILL. Tae well-known song, Excelsior, always reminds us of a climbing boy, though with this difference, that, whereas its hero reaches the mountain top, the sweep is likely to be stifled up the chimney. But Excelsior ought not to remind us of i ys, at any rate of those who climb chimneys, as the cuplaynes such chimney-sweeps was prohibited by Act of Parliament twenty ago. This Act has, how- ever, come to be evaded to such = that more than three thousand children are still kept at labour in the —— and unhealthy slavery of y-climbing. The kidnapping of boys for that servitude has even been revived, and it appears that the children used in sweeping chimneys are not boys only. Ata meeting, lately held at York, with a view to the suppression of this cruel em ey’ abuse, of infants, the following agreement was signed by the assem Sweeps :— “ We, the undersigned Master Sweeps of the City of Y: mutually agree, fro end after this date, nat th.<an mal rey A eatin parhtotnas: took the Act of Parliament on their made should be strictly com: with ; and that we —— no longer to risk the heavy penalties it prescribes, house- holders ourselves.” It thus appears that, in York at least, the snplogmtet, of climbing gi has become almost or quite as common as that of climbing boys. fi enough to say st chimney-climbing that, besides its ss, and its obvious cruelty,:it is the cause of a malignant disease—for which see Coorer’s Surgical Dictionary under the head of Cancer. Well, then, the Eart or SHarresBury has introduced into the House of Lords a Bill for the effectual protection of children from Master C’ y-Sweeps. Amongst other provisions well_ to accomplish this purpose there is one whereby— ** A chimney-sweeper convicted of compelling, or knowingly all a pergon under 21 to ascend a chimney, or enter a flue for a adn” or ex : g fire, may be sent to prison for a term not exceeding six mon with or without hard With hard labour, by all means. This if enforced, will prac. tically do pretty well, as there are very few ts of the dimensions of ‘om Tums, and those few so great a fortune in their own littleness, that they can be under no temptation to climb chimneys for living. Of course Parliament will take care to pass the above-quoted Bill: and then the Zece/sior movement will have to be p no Sweep except Master Sweeps, offending against the statute to restrain their brutality. They, i will practise the movement, without making the ascent, which “ Excelsior” implies, on the treadmill.

A Fat Angel. A Crrric in the Jesing Star says that he has been accus- tomed to r Sir John Falstaff as—what do you think? “ A kind of fallen Arc 1.” Well, that did not occur to us, even when we saw Mr. Puewps lying on the ground after Shrew: fight. But there is authority, *s own, for the idea. “‘ Your ill Angel is light —he that looks on me i i \ a fallen Archangel! Vscore. 1 bles Star should know.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | [May 28, 1864,

AMERICAN LITERARY INTELLIGENCE. “ Born when the United States and Great Britain were under the same Govern- ment and of course SuaksPsaRE can be claimed as an American.”—New York Herald, A 18.

LONDON’S UNMUSICAL SEASON. Tue following arrangements will be carried out in the course of the resent Season, which, we hear, owing to Bass’s most salutary ill, will be the last of the Great Unmusical Seasons of London. The subjoined ill be only wholly and duly observed in the most quiet streets of the Metropolis; but persons inhabiting Squares, or thorough- fares possessing ample accommodation for itinerant musicians on the pavement, will be gratified by the occasional perf: rtions of

‘ormance of the entertainment. Perhaps they would be more gratified by the per- formance of no part of the programme whatever. PROGRAMME FOR QUIET STREET MUSICAL PERFORMANCE During the London Season. Time of day. 9 s.m.—German boy and girl, solo and duet, accom- panying themselves on double bass and guitar. Introduction—Tuning or ten minutes: during this time, the educated amateur will have much pleasure in noticing the laudable efforts made by the double bass to get ito the same cleff with the guitar. Despairing of ultimate success, od unwilling to keep their audience waiting any longer, they play as ollows :— Guitar Probably the un- uitar, finished compo- sition of some great original genius. 80. Doble 23 <a &e., &e., ad any time, according y to the fancy of the note. performer. This performance will last until 9°45, after which— 10 a.m.—Full German Band, with music-stands and a conductor, Ovesturé 0" Bee, Guglielmo Teil. This last piece, though very fairly executed, at all events by comparison

with other itinerant performances, frightens several_horses. This concludes at 10°30. From 10 a.m. until 1 p.m. will be heard, at intervals, clearly or faintly, according to the thickness of the walls, the two young ladies in the next house, practising scales, ScuuBERT’s variations, operatic music arranged as waltzes, galops, &c. 11 a.m.—Man with Organ. 4, —e : : : : . Lamia Letitzia. ' played very slowly, with whistling accompaniment, out of tune. 12 a.m.—Man,’without:Organ, but with monkey. Air, performed by monkey, on cymbals . Vague. | Firing. gun by poonkes, shouting ;by man, and other performances, c including a broad-sword combat between Man and Monkey. 12°45 p.m.—Combination of talent. Man with organ aad monkey. Tradesmen’s boys cat-calling, and whistling reminiscences of popular airs. 115 v.w.—During luncheon, organ with donkey. Seated cripple, charitably supposed to be deaf, turning the handle, and old woman, who collects money, and shakes tambourine. This Organ is equal to | three entire brass orchestras of fifty performers, drums, cymbals and triangles included. 2 p.M.—The Infant German band, composed of small dirty boys evidently learning their notes. Overture . (supposed to be) . Guglielmo Tell, 2°30 p.w.—Indian musician with his tum tum tum. 3 p.M.—Niggers, accompanied by’admiring crowd. 3°30.—Solo (Flageolet) Home Sweet Home. ' (New version.) Street-boys whistling reminiscences as before. 4 p.m.—More niggers, in costume, with kettle-drums, a man with a false nose, and a female singer. Balcony Stalls (area railings) . Pit (pavement) : ° . : ° . ° Dress Circle (door step) . A ‘ P ° . . ‘. Private Boxes (upper windows, well filled with servants) . 5 p.M.—Dancing Pony. Whip smacking. “ Hi! Hi!” “Hoop!” Volunteer band in distance, marching out to drill. 5°30 p.m.—Itinerant , vocalists, distressed weavers, with singing children. Solo and Chorus 6 p.m.—Solo, violin. 7 v.m.—Grand Finale. Organ corner of street. Niggers, new set with two extra voices, and a Leader, who squeaks shrilly. Oratorio kind of organ opposite corner of street. Volunteer band in the distance, marching home after drill. The entire Concert concludes punctually at 7°40. 8 p.m.—A POLICEMAN is seen slowly passing before the dining- room window ; and all is still. 10 v.a.—Somebody going home playing accordion. 10°30 p.a.—Somebody else, whistling. 11 p.m.—Cats. Such are the delights of the Great_London Unmusical Season ! 7 I’m Leaving Thee in Sorrow, Annie.

** Peace, Cousin Percy, you will make ’em Mad.” Tue great Metallurgist, need we name Dr. Jonn Percy, has aroused a revolution in the Mining Districts. He has thrown a thundering Bomb, with fatal precision, and the explosion has shattered a “system which sadly wanted shattering. The demolished interests are frantic, but the sufferers by the system, who have more than a pecuniary concern in the prevention of catastrophes, hail the great doctor as a Liberator. We expect detailed news, meantime the telegram quotes Henry IV ., and declares— ‘The Land is burning, Percy stands on high,” while the acidulated authorities’ mutter, classically, Percycos odi pure Apparatus.

FROM OUR GENERAL THEATRICAL FUND. Way would ‘a good-natured Dramatic Critic be a valuable specimen in an Anatomical Museum? Because he takes to Pieces easily.

ORNITHOLOGY FOR SMALL HOUSES. A Srurrep Duck, placed under a glass case, on a table in the space *twixt the front door and the parlour, cannot be called a Bird of Passage.

Morto vor A TaILoR WHO Makks Coats or THE BEST ENDURING Croru.—Faimus ; i.e. We wear,

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May 28, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 227

My } | my a\t eA PE ij TNWONRL iI) IN i i) ik — =i wl lec w ‘ hae nex (i Ml, Vn) ih" | i hell k ana iy | hjfefba ti ne 3: ‘th. bolle eallns ~~! Willie

Sse lit yy lt F Hit Aa Ra) under a roun a fail | : VS ~ N ' . ov | ei - ‘5g TH N eS | A Se - 4 —. \ \Y 2d + 2 7s _—~) UNDERGROUND RAILWAY. Old Lady. “ Wett, I’m suRE No WoMAN WITH THE LEAST SENSE OF DECENCY WOULD THINK OF GOING DOWN THAT WAY TO Ir.”

MORE MATLOCK CODICILS. (By Special Express Telegraph.) Matlock, Monday, 12 a.m. Iv addition to the new Codicil that tumbled out of the bed, which, by

| in-law, anot | contain a favourite canary of the late Mr. Nurratz’s. It bequeaths | £150,000 to Mr. Exsz, who is to look for it til! he finds it. a page | lucky coincidence, was purchased by Mx. Exsr’s brother- er has just been found in an old bird-cage which used to Half-past Four. after work, went bird-nesting, and fell down a disused mine-shaft, at the bottom of which he found a warming-pan, containing a new icil, in which Mr. Nurraxt bequeaths the Peak, Derbyshire, with all the Satanic scenery, to Mr. Etsz. The poor boy is very little injured, as the depth was only eighty yards. Quarter-past Nine.

A fresh Codicil has turned up. Some men digging in a field near Mr. Etse’s, found an enormous large turnip, which they wantonly split | across with their spades, and out came a bottle, containing a Codicil, | by which Mr. Nurraut bequeaths Chatsworth to Mr. Exse for life remainder to the Duxz or DevonsHrRe. An ejectment has been served | on his Grace. Half-past Twelve. | Wonders will never cease! A heavy shower of rain choked up the | gutters of a house next door to Etse’s, and a man went up to | Temove the obstruction. In doing so, he found an abandoned nest of a eye and in it a brass tobacco-box, covered with bladder, and on this being opened, there were found nine iacpeuny pieces, and a Codicil | Slving Etsz eighteen houses in Sheffield, | said to be lying at a pawnbroker’s in that town. | ‘ ; Quarter to Three. |, Again accident has contributed to justice. A female cottager near Mr. Exsr’s had complained of severe pains in her inside, and thought she should like some warm beer. Expressing this wish in the hearing of Mr. Exsz’s cook, the latter kindly fetched an old sauce-pan to warm —~. and a sack of potatoes Another Codicil has been discovered. A farmer’s boy, going home | heq the beer in. On opening this, a Codicil was found, enfolding some peer man’s plaister, also some corn-plaisters, all of which are devised to Etse for life, with cross-remainders over to the most deserving inmates of the Matlock Union. i Half-past Seven. No more Codicils have been found up to this hour, but public opinion is strongly in favour of further discoveries. Quarter to Eleven (nig At). A most singular and almost melodramatic disco ~ 4 has been made. Evening Service had been held at Matlock church, and a young woman fell asleep in one of the pews, and was locked in. There are ghosts in her family, so she was not fnghtened, but made herself a comfortable in the churchwarden’s pew, with the cushions. Under one which she removed, she found a Codicil, which she hastily read by moonlight, and immediately rang the bells, and on the astounded sexton openi the door, she rushed over him and out of the edifice. He is likely to recover, and so is Mr. Ets, for the new Codicil gives him one side of the principal street in Derby, and all the onions in the testator’s hayloft. ) 2 ’ Seven (morning). There are rumours of more Codicils, especially of one which is said to have been found in a washing-stand drawer, and which is reported to contain sixteen hundred spade guineas and a tooth-brush, but I abstain from sending particulars until I can verify them. (More in a later Edition.)

A CARD. A Porrticat organ declares with a sigh That reformers are rightly for indolence blamed, And that what we all want is A Very Goop Cry OF WHICH NO CLASS OF CITIZEN NEED BE ASHAMED. Mr. Punch has observed the appeal, and would state That the article wanted has come from Judea ; And now may be had every night, about VIII, Of his gifted young friend, Miss Kate JoserHine Lean.

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228 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE JOINT-STOCK BUBBLE COMPANIES BURSTING- UP ASSOCIATION. jh Previmmary Meeting of this | exce was held | theother morning at Phillis’s | Rooms, for the purpose of | electing a working Com-| mittee and, of determining | mode by whieh the ends | Society might best | ied out. many | and eleven | the ma- | were recog- img the eters, | gen- | be of ual Ae 4 J 4 meeting, Peskpeben yy ea Bat Se. : promote the bursting-up of joint-stoc e companies. a hardly tell the ea whom she saw before her that th of these bubbles was daily on the inerease. ‘ doubtless, had to read the r to her hus or yore, oF, if not required to read it, had (whic was worse) to listen to it he read it out to her aoe of “Yes, dear!” “Oh, it’s horrid!”) Now they knew that the thing their pas and husbands looked at, or asked to have read out to them, was that odious dry stuff about the City and the Money Market. (Sighs and groans.) Instead of re ut the i ! i oe pre i ii ©! for seven weeks together without getti [May 28, 1864, the sea, by means of gaslamps placed in it a hundred yards apart, just fancy, all over the world. (Tidters.) This scheme racecoded nl i making light the purses of those who were investors in it, and now her husband was so poor that, as they saw, his wife was scarce fit to be seen. (Sensation and a shrill Voice, “ No, she isn’t.”’) Mrs. GreyMaRE said Aer husband never pulated. (Cheering and cries of “ What a darling duck /”) She should like to catch him at it. (Laughter). If she did so, he might rest assured that he would have no peace until he desisted. Thank goodness, she had a strong roy oon she would take good care she wasn’t ruined by his weak one. (“ That's right, dear!”) She thought that married ladies had the power in their hands, or rather in their tongues, to keep their precious husbands out of speculative messes. A course of if ney administered, would in most cases be found to act as a deterrent; and, when a husband had been making a great donkey of himself in some fine bubble speculation, she would recommend his wife to treat him with her sourest and sulkiest of looks, and to lose no eet Tt of saying something stinging, especially in company. (Hear.) In this way, husbands might be taught to spend their money on their wives, as by rights they ought to do (applause), and not to waste it in imprudent and reckless speculation. Miss Pzacock, who was most extravagantly dressed, and wore a ¢rinoline of Se a score of yards in its ¢i erence, said that really nobody could tell what she suffered from these horrid bubble com- panies. Her Pa at one time used to give her a new bonnet once a Frise and a new frock every month (4 Poice, “Oh my / how delight- /”), and when she wanted a new ball-dress she only had to ask for it. (Sensation, and cries of “Gracious me! how nice!”) But since he es some dreadful company (she forgot its odious name), he had wed in an atrociously mean and manner. Her et, as they saw, was trimmed with only rib and not one scrap of lace (a Voice, “ Poor dear ! so it is /”’), and she actually to exist sometimes a new dress. (Great com- , and cries of “ Oh, how dre ae . FLasHizy said her ease was worse even than! Miss Pracoox’s. Yes, she who, ladies ht remember, always ‘used to di dressing in the fashion, h ad now, as they perceived, to weat a bonnet made last season and a mantle two years old. (“ Dear, dear, how truly terrible!”’) And all this misery was owing to those wretched bubble companies, which it was the bounden duty, she con- ceived, of every lady to discourage and suppress. (“ We will / we will !’) A year ago her husband possessed a certain income of some £3000 a-year, which, as ladies knew, was little enough to live upon (a Voice, mi on, | Court, and what the Prince or Watzs did yesterday, and matters which ‘a lady would consider of chief interest, what their pas and husbands wanted was to hear about the funds, and to know if things were “ getting easier” or not, and whether such and such a bank had been “ going up or down,” and what was the last price that so and so was “ quoted at.” (Zitders.) Some ladies might smile at this masculine propensity, but she (the o'er consid it to be no laughing matter. They might depend on it that men who seemed so anxious about money not much to spare of it, and, when a husband appeared nervous about the price of shares, his wife might feel assured that he had made a bad investment. ods of assent, and a Voice, “ Quite true, dear!”) Now the aim of the Society was to discourage speculation, and restrain papas and husbands from blindly running into it. She felt sure that female influence, if properly directed, might do much towards this object, and, by dissuading gentlemen from venturing their money in insecure “ securities,” might by degrees relieve the country from the speculative schemes which persons without principle now found it to their interest to endeavour to promote. (Murmurs of applause and much tapping of the floor with the sticks ’ Mrs. Aspsxne said she trembled to think what would become of her, if something were not done to keep her husband from the City, where she knew he must be losing mints and mints of money vey time he went to it. (Semsation.) Her nerves were in good order before he took to speculating, but now the slightest thing would put her in a uiver, and eve at breakfast time she really shook all over when she handed him t ymes. (Great \ several cries of “ Oh, poor dear ! 4 She had observed that he looked pale whenever certain names (which she believed were'those of some atrocious bubble a | were mentioned in his presence, and she had heard him cry “ confoun it!” on several occasions when he looked into the newspaper, and once he used so violent and terrible an expression that it very nearly threw her into a fit. (Cries of “ Oh, the brute /” ; Mrs. SEEDIz said they saw in her a victim of imprudent speculation. Her husband when he married, had a tolerable income, or she woulc not have had him. (A Voice, “ Quite right, dear; I wouldn’t.”) In an evil hour, however, he was tempted by a friend to put some money in the Sunbeams out of Snowballs Steam Extraction Company, in which his money as quickly melted as the snowballs would have done. To retrieve his loss, he joined the Chickweed and Groundsel Sub-Sea Cul- tivation Company, and when this had likewise failed, he rashly placed the small remainder of his property in the General Oceanic Highway Lighting Company, which was started for the purpose of lighting up j| by the Bisnor or Lonpon. The Benefit Clubs are Lye mene €' “* Yes, I should think so”), and in the hope of getting a larger interest for his money, he had embarked in speculation which had very nearly ruined him. At the instance of a friend, who was one of the directors, | he first of all invested in the North and South Pole Junction Atmo- | spheric Railway Company; and, when this bubble had burst, instead of taking warning by the loss he had sustained, he actually took some shares in the Popgun and Pegtop Foreign Manufacture Company, and allowed his name to appear as a director of the Submarine Anemone Steam Propagation Company, both which bubble speculations had, if she might be permitted the masculine expression, come rapidly to grief. | (Sensation.) ‘That was what she and her family were coming to, she | knew, and it would be a mercy soon if they’d so much as common | bread and meat to live upon. ‘Last autumn, instead of going down the | Rhine, she had actually to take her darling girls to Ramsgate ; and she | expected soon her pin-money would so much be réduced that she would | scarce be able to buy a bit of ribbon with it, much less a silk dress. (General consternation, and a chorus of “ Oh, poor thing !” The Chairwoman then rose and moved a resolution to the effect that speculation was terribly destructive to the interests of the ladies, because it tempted men to waste in it what they might spend upon their wives. The resolution being carried with considerable clamour, and the meeting having pledged itself to support the Joint-Stock Bubble Companies Bursting-Up Association, lunch was ordered in, and further business was postponed until the middle of next week. | A Pun for Potter. Tne Bisnor or Lonpon, in the course of a sensible speech, deli- vered the other day at the Whittington Club, on the subject of Working Men’s Clubs, observed that “the Working Men’s Clubs must be made to take in all classes of working men.” As yet this object has been accomplished by Working Men’s Clubs only in a sense not contemplated en’s Clubs, and some of them have taken in the working men shamefully. WEATHER AND SPORT. Ir ‘the Derby Day, on which Mr. Punch comes out, and prey strongly too, is anything like 109° in the shade, there will be, besides the races marked on the C’rrect Card, a Great Heat and a very large number of Runners.

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June 4, 1864] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. mone | ad, if | grief. | , She | nmon | n the | d she | rould lress. ; that udies, upon nour, Stock d in, retty s the large THE DRILL COMPETITION. “ THOROUGH.” —arehbishop Law2. Wuew you do a thing, do it thoroughly. When you break up an establishment, dismiss everybody. We are glad to see that the following advertiser is a root-and-branch man, and on abandoning housekeeping, not only gets rid of lady’s future life :— and WIFE ; the former to take charge of the stable and drive ; and the latter as Daicrywoman, orto take charge of poultr y, or both duties combined. Address, &. perinee mentioned the lady before the menial, we think this adver- tiser a model of thoughtfulness, “NOT DEAD YET.” GARIBALDI has published a letter, in Turin, wherein he (of Primrose Hill) have chartered a steamer, and are going out to Caprera to examine the Liberator, and to ask him, limits, though folly has none. A Trifle Too Meek. THE SECOND arise, we fear t immortal chapter as that which describes th to account in the House of Lords. Yet he is thought to represent the Exeter Hall mind. Either the Captain of our May Fair'Company that won the Badge. “ Yes, rt’s a Great | Bishops despise Exeter Hall, and its “ bray,” or they are TRIUMPH ¥OR US; 80 LUCKY THOSE OTHER COMPANIES WERE SHORT OF MEN, EH? But My FELLOWS ARE OBLIGED TO GO A GOOD DEAL Into ‘SocrETy,’ You KNOW. | noblemen. Can’? EXPECT 'kM TO DRILL MUCH DURING THE SEASON!” sadly deficient in the courage which should characterise m Does a spiritual peer mean a peer without | spirit ? ———_— PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. May 23rd. Monday. Lorp Patmerston having remembered that Tuesday was the QuEEn’s birthday, and Wednesday the Derby Day, mentioned those facts to the House, and_proposed th i saries should be observed as holidays. His in the most cheerful manner. Nothing else, of the slightest conse- quence, was said, Tuesday, Her Masesty completed her Forty-fifth year. Wednesday. Blair Athol won the Derby. Thursday. Tn the House of Lords there was debate upon the conduct of the Prussians in Jutland, who are revenging themselves, by plunder on land, for their losses at sea. Lorp RussgLt spoke of arrangements and promises which are clearly violated. Lorp KLLENBoROvGH hoped that the Sovereign imitated Grorez IIT., and did not allow German connections to influence her conduct. Lorp Russett said that what- ever Ministers proposed to the Queen, Her Majesty assented to, an answer which was unfair to his Royal Mistress, because it was a mere evasion, whereas he might have given a frank and complete reply. ~ Then the Duxe or Buccteucn proposed to let tch E iscopal clergymen into the Church of England, whereat the Bishops had. eal to say, and the Bill goes to a Committee. In the Commons Mr. Hennessy originated a debate about Poland, and wished the House to resolve that Russia had violated her engage- ments, and therefore had forfeited her sovereignty in that country. Lorp Patmerstow spoke at some length, and agreed that Russia had behaved tyrannically, but he thought that it would be below the dignity of the House to pass a resolution which it was not intended to follow by any action. . Friday, The Lords (and we are bound to say that all idea of legisla- tion being abandoned in both Houses, and a series of conoereasiene being instituted instead, the conversations in the Upper House are far the most piquant and interesting) had a pleasant discussion on Educa- | himself with much grace and that both anniver- | Horace is a freemasonic sign proposition was received | a good | C | tion as practised at our Public Schools. Lorp Srannore expressed | hi good sense. He would not hear of the | | abolition of the study of Latin, wherein he is right, for graphic and | his wife, but suggests a satisfactory arrangement for the | A GENTLEMAN, who is breaking up his establishment, | has very great pleasure in RECOMMENDING his COACHMAN, | Except that if he were really a gentleman he would have | r warmly thanks the English nation for its hos itality, and | adds, “I withdrew when I saw fit to do so, without ceding | to instigation’ of any kind.” We hear that Beatzs & Co. | first; whether the above statement is true, and, secondly, | what he means by making them look like the greatest fools | who ever earned notoriety by hooking little names on to a | big name? We admit that for the first time in his life | GaRrBaLDI has done an unkind thing. But patience has its | Our dear Bishops are not brave. Should another James | there are no Seven to give | a new Macaunay the chance of writing another such | e : e | Earw or SaarresBury has charged the whole bench with | “a x ye breach of duty,” and not one of them has dared | to him i | | | | | } | slip-slop writing is far too prevalent, and it is desirable to a | up | ‘om | something like purity, besides, the interchange of a few words ic sign between —- previously strangers, | ension of dropped aitches or | and at once does away with any appre pocketpicking. But he thinks that a great deal taught, and here he is right again, because there are but two Greek words that anybody need understand, /udos and nous, and most young too much Greek is | ladies, even, are now aware of the meaning of both. Further, he con- | siders that everybody should know French, and for the third time we have much pleasure in endorsing his opinion, for otherwise people could not the Parisian letter in the Realm, which declines to translate its French correspondent. But as regards the accomplishments which | Lorp Srannore favours, we are not so sure. Music certainly keeps’a | good many young persons out of mischief, and if not very bad, is almost | tolerable under certain restrictions, and drawing has the same merit, with the additional one of being — ; but we incline to agree with the | Times that the great object of e he must ; 1 thoroughly dislikes them, and they give him the headache. RD mendations of the Commissioners on Education,“who represented that at Public Schools lads were not,thoroughly ground ucation is to teach a young fellow that | pple with matters which are hard to master, even though he | LARENDON had something to urge in reply, and defended the recom- | ed even in what it was | professed to teach, and were not able to stand the gentlest ee e examination without coaching. Our Schools he thought behind age, and though it was not proposed to ne for them, he hoped | that the authorities would take the hint. the hour before dinner, which was announced at a quarter-past seven. The Commons made a long evening of it, having some eighteen mat- ters to talk over, but most of them were bores. Complaint was made by some Irish gentlemen that the: Law Life Assurance Company has acquired a good deal of property in Connemara, and meneane it in a cold-blooded Saxon way, ‘making the poor tenants pay their rents, VOL. XLVI, AA is kind of chat occupied |

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230 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 4, 1864. turning them out if they fail to comply with that tyrannical arrangement, and generall goin on in a style not understood in Oireland. It was st ara or the Company that it had advanced very large sums on mortgage of this oppressed property, and had been obliged to take to it, and on the whole the Government did not see that the Company could be committed to prison and their land handed over to the peasantry. The question of Meetings in the Parks came up again, and Sm Gzorce Grey, with some show of surprise at the ignorance of certain Members, stated that the Parks belong to the Queen, and that no meetings can be held there without her permission, signified through Sher advisers. But Primrose Hill is in a differen t category, and is under Max. Cowres, and it is not probable that he will in prefer listening to bad speeches to lying about on the grass and smoking the pipe of peace. . : x. Scunty, snubbed for talking too much, explained that he had supposed that on Friday nights everybody was to speak on every subject. The imaginary rule might be inconvenient, as he will see, if he will multiply the 18 topics of the night by the 658 Members. THE CRYSTAL PALACE OPERA. Berne blessed with what is A called “agood ear for music,” a) (though which ear is the good ™ One wecan’t precisely specify), we never miss a chance of going ‘to the Opera. We rejoice therefore to hear that a new Opera is open to us, and that, as it will afternoon, it will not interfere with our visits to the old ones. We have an Opera in a Hay- market and an Opera in a Garden (to wit, the one called Covent), and this Season we have also an Opera in a Green- house. At the Crystal Palace Concerts Opera music is per- formed by the best of foreign artists (if we were a critic, we of course should say artistes), and Be nem as well as either in the Garden or the Hay- market. At these pleasant Concerts, too, you sit in cool fresh air, and not in heat and gaslight, and you have greenery to look at, if you have not scenery. in many scenes, moreover, the Crystal Palace greenery is that can be wished. There are real flowers there for the garden scene in Fausé, and that is more than you will see upon the stage of Mr. Grs, or that of Mn. Marueson. Thus.at the Crystal Palace Opera there is pleasure for your nose as well as for your ears and eyes; and you hear the sweetest airs of Donwert: or Mozart,— ** While gales of roses round you rise,” as Mr. Txomas Moore affirms they did around ANACREON. So thank you, Mr. Bowtey, for your Opera at Sydenham, where one may pleasantly employ one’s ears and eyes and nose from lunch-time until dinner ; after which, if one so liketh, one may take them in the evening to the Opera in don. TOPICS OF THE DAY. (General, Political, Polemical, Moral, Social.) Tr is a long time since I treated you to a general article on the cur- rent events of the day. I then told ou, if you will refer to the Number which it is, I forget), that I was Blessed. or otherwise, with the very ortest memory of man, which seems always to be running to the con- trary, That is a legal phrase, you know, and exactly expresses my case. Talking of cases, 1 must say a few words about America. Of course, one has to converse on this unhappy subject continually ; but although I manage very fairly, I have never thoroughly the events. The other da; ub, and anxiously inquired for the iti generally do this as early as possible in the afternoon, and then somebody is sure to say, “Eh! what? Second Edition? Any important Telegrams from America?” fere with any rea- | sonably decent and orderly assemblage that may be idiotic enough to | open only in the | | I confine myself to replying ominously, “ Yes, expected.” | While deploring the miserable state of Transatlantic matters at a dinner-party, a lady says to me, “Oh! Mr. Mupp1z, you can tell me. What és the American War about ?” Everybody at table was silent, in order to hear my exposition. I’d have given anything for a tooth-ache, or a summons on business that would have taken me out of the room. “ What is the American Here was a question with a vengeance! War about ? ” I attempted to ,jocosely. “ About as bad, Ma’am,” I began, using a very old form of joke, much patronised by my lamented Grand- father, and preserved in our family, when this She-inquisitor interrupted me with, “No, Mz. Muppuez, I mean what is the Cause of the War?” Had I been asked the Origin of Evil, I could have spoken well, knowing that others knew little more on the subject than I. But on the Cause of the American War! that was quite another thing. “Well, Miss Vivip,” I said (she’s a maiden lady, affecting a girlish carelessness regarding everything, but—ahem!), “ Well, Miss Vrvin,” I said, sententiously, “‘ You see the North and South” (I was safe so far), “ The Northand South are—in fac ing,'with one another, in order, ahem—to see which will get the mastery.” This was all very safe, and would have historically suited the Romans and Carthaginians, Jews and Philistines, English and Mioris, Savers and Heenan, or any other combatants. ‘ But,” persisted the intelligent female, “‘ which are the Confederates, | and which the Federals ? ” | Now this is qeetiealy the point that has imvariably puzzled me. How |many times I have got the fact by heart, I’m afraid to say; but I’ve always forgotten it again. I wisely answered her thus— |_ “The Confederates are those who confederate together—from two | Latin words, com and federate: and the Federals are those who don’t con-federate, but are bound by a Fedus or Fe. “ey Yes,” said she, “ but are the Northerners the Confederates, or the yy wa an ie eyes of the er-party were upon me. “I must do something to save my pe a I said to myself. | Boldly assuming an air of incredulity—“* What! ” I exclaimed, “ You | do not mean to say that you don’t know?” “ Well,” she began, apologetically — Directly she fell into this strain, the game was mine. She was a weak soul, and I triumphed. Sir, I refused to give her the required information, on the score that she ought to ascertain it for herself from the Papers. At this moment, an old gentleman stepped in good- naturedly, and said-—— _ Bat I beg your pardon—this is not what Ae said, but what J say—m intention was to have given you a general article on social, palitical, polemical, and moral subjects. Sir, if my memory serves me fairly, I will write to you upon the very | first opportunity. OUR DERBY PROPHECY. Poon, pooh, no thanks—there, take your hands out of your pockets, I want no “trifle of your Winnings,” dear bloaters. When I give you a piece of sporting information I do it out of sheer generosity and good-nature, and not for the sake of any wretched commission. Only, as you certainly will have to pay no other prophet this time, for the whole boiling was about as floundering ‘and helpless as so many porpoises on dry land, you may send subscriptions to the Newspaper Press Fund, in gratitude for the capital accounts of the Derby Day. If you think it’s easy to write such things, just try, that's all. Dificile est communia dicere, PINDAR tells you, and so does Punch. So it wasn’t the Knight of Snowdon but the day of Snowdon, eh? There, don’t shake a fellow’s hand off, if you can help it. I told you that Blair Athol would win, and that General Peel was a very good horse, and would run well, and that Scottish Chief would turn out small beer. You know how they were placed. I said, ‘‘ Blair Athol, like my heart, is in the Highlands, (meaning, of course, bloaters, that the beautiful place whence he takes name is there,) but that it was upon Epsom Downs that the horse would run.” And did he not? And, says I, nec timothy nec temmery, and if you did not understand what two necks meant you are not fit to read my writings. But I also said, by way of making assurance a double sewer (like the high and low level drainage), that the name of the winner was, in fact, the same as my own. Well, so it is. What am I but the greatest thin out, under Snowdon? Very like whales, that, ien’t it? But you are sold again, and I have ‘bought a ninepenny cigar with the money and eight-pence farthing added by myself, for I meant that I am often what Blair Athol was, “Caviar to The General,” and that Iam always ahead in the course followed by Pest, the Second. Yah! PUNCH. Change of Name. In “seer are of the notoriety of one of the persons interested in the Great Nuttall Will Case, he who was nobody at all, will now be known as Somebody Exsz. Hactorocr.—The Patron of Accountants and Sporting Men is St. Ledger. ee

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Junz 4, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 231 MY BUTLER. A TALE OF PRIDE AND PUNISHMENT. PART I.—PRIDE, Now if there I beli gel me When oe ws mectae giles, And dance at our despair, must have had i Tez aka When, in a so obseure street, I sought for Mus. Gauw- Pe ,inm ness I told Tans Gaannen oo “ Might she presume?” “Qh, surely, yes, N ds begin ; One sniff of buttered toast like this Doth make the whole world kin.” She pointed to a cushioned chair, d from her mantel-shelf sin't k, and wiped with dainty e took, an wi care A cup of shining delf. There, in a co I gave myse “Till, like the cat — er rug, corner snug, IT purred with pletho-ry. And then to business—first we had A plaint of dole and woe, Of servants going to As fast as they could go. So changed, so lapsed to foul disgrace Since that more virtuous When no one ever left their » And rather liked low wage. We spoke of butlers who had passed Their lives in one pan-try, And left their little all at last To the Infirma-ry. Of cooks, hi incipled, wh fore ste po a Alaa Who faye mer each joint, and gave away Their dripping to the poor. Cooks, who ne’er scowled with sullen ire, When friends to dine dropped in, But smiled, their “ faces all afire With labour,” not with gin. Of ha i ing fair, ploeiineaae No charm from Nature’s lovely lines They ever sought to rob ; Nor added to what she defines Save that sweet cap, called “Mob.” And then from those pure haleyon days In which Dame Grunpy served, To modern servants’ wicked ways Our conversation swerved. I spoke of Ladies-maids I’d met n other peoples’ stairs, And bowed to t as of “ our set,” They gave themselves such airs. I quoted “ Puxch :”—what pencil could Gn % d a Sermons in stones, or rather wood, Like thine, delicious Lrzcu! But when I asked, “ Was Virtue dead, And whether Grunpy knew Of any honest folk?” she said, “Well yes, there was a few. ** There was a few, and though, perhaps, She didn’t ought to say, And meant no nasty sneers nor snaps At Smrra’s across the way— ** But fax was fax, which scorn she should sgaelie maton Pact t wade , asking ing, ho wo } A widdy’s a Solero, ' “That of all servants, most renowned For conduct and ooks, The names and ages would be found Marrua Grunpy’s books.” What joyous news! my tongue, inspired y an “ Could she then find,” at once inquired, “ A butler fit for me?” “Fust, would I kindly please to state What wages was guv ? For” (with a smile, said Grunpy’s mate) “The best won’t sarve for luv.” A re fe Her neonate om a She gave them all a “ Nothink fust-rate,” itying, sighed, Ri So salaries was riz.” os “ She did know one, I mi RL ie a treasure She *d knowed him from a page. “ Knowed him as footman, valet, in The best of fami-lies ; a” An under-butler last he ’d bin, Ricut Hon, roe Earw or G.’s,” Ah, woefraught words ! for one of those Grim spirits in the air, Who love to gaze upon our throes, And dance at our despair, Heard them, and stooped with fiendish hate, To whisper in mine ear ; “ You’d like to have a man to wait, Who’d waited on a Peer.” ** You'd like to see your table set, And envious fri to view, With novel taste, reserved as yet For noblemen and you. “Youd like tr buckskins soft and white, stead of and stained ; You ’d like your ‘ tops’ to gleam as bright As laurels when it rained. * You’d like all offices performed, ' As for la haute noblesse, - Your cham e iced, your claret warmed, Your ‘ things’ put out to dress. “ You’d like,” he paused: the Angler saw, His float to and — His bait was in my wretched maw, His hook was in my lip! EYES RIGHT, VOLUNTEERS ! Tr is a mistake to suppose that the gallantry of our brave Volunteers does not, for the present, expose them to personal danger. A letter in the Zimes from “A Surczon To 4 Lonpow Hosrirat,” pointing out the mischief done by cheap percussion caps in quien out the eyes of the boys, and likewise an injuring the Cockney sportsmen and all who are accustomed to use them, has received, in the same journal, the following corroboration from a witness who signs himself “A VoLUNTEER:”—’ “ The percussion caps with the ball cartridges issued the last two years to Volunteer corps on ~ ea with exactly similar results as the supposed cheap caps described your co lent. Instead of, as formerly, expanding only upon explosion, caps now fiy into two or three and even five pieces. 1 was standing a few days since about yards to the right of a friend while firing kneeling, and was struck by a piece of an exploded cap, which cut through my trousers and fetched blood. I found the piece adhering to the cloth. On another occasion I saw a man struck twice in the course of an hour in the face while firing, laying his cheek open.” The caps denounced in the Surgeon’s letter to the Times, instead of being made of good copper, are composed of a cheap alloy, which is brittle, and, when the cap expl flies about. That such caps should be supplied to the public by manufacturing scoundrels is too much of a piece with the reckless rascality prevalent amongst the present race of commercial men to excite any wonder. But it is astonishing that the officials employed by Government to supply the Volunteers with proper ammunition are not more careful or competent than to supply them with percussion caps by which they run an imminent risk of having their eyes destroyed every time they use them. We should like to know whether the issue of these che caps is the result of beggarly economy somewhere, or villanous fraud. If, as is likely, a long time elapses before this evil is reformed, Volunteers, if they value their eyesight, will in the meanwhile buy their own caps, and save that sight without which there is no use in sighting their rifles. Salmon or Whitebait ? A Court of Aldermen will shortly be called to take into serious consideration the question whether or no it is expedient to promote the breeding of Salmon in the Thames. It be recollected that some weeks ago a Salmon taken about the mouth of that river was found to be full of whitebait, which were supposed to have attracted him thither. Now if, in case there are Salmon in the Thames, the Salmon will eat up the Whitebait, the question will be between Salmon ‘and Whitebait, and this is the momentous one which their, Worships will have to decide, COURT DRESS, GznTLEMEN should go to Court in knee-breeches. If you have any conscientious scruples on this matter, a compromise may — by tucking up your trousers, This is not perhaps generally own. |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (June 4, 1864 747 Yi GG 1h[ 474, W NVM! wii NU ISS A I~ a | ‘ .) wt ~ aon, ae’ Pt) "7 gama n002"°” ES YET ANOTHER AMERICANISM. “ Here, Maria, Hotp my CLoak wHite I Have A FLING with Srrancer !” REVERSING THE PROVERB. A FABLE, BY JOHN (PUNCH) GAY. Tuat oysters may be crossed in love Is, well we know, the law of Jove, But hear the poet, and you ’ll find, They ’re also troubled in their mind. Bold BetHett, now a noble Peer, _Of brow serene and tongue severe. Had ordered lunch, and at his wis A dozen natives graced the dish : Fat, juicy bivalves, fresh and white, Fit for a Judge’s toothsome bite, The ale was pale, the bread was new, The butter delicate of hue, __ A slight but nourishing refection, Not interfering with reflection, But formed to silence inward groans While plaintiff's counsel bores and drones. Withdrawn to his retiring room, Erst_used by Ecpon, Lynpuurst, BroveHam, His Lordship cast his robe aside, And with content his luncheon eyed. “ Here ’s my Refresher in the cause, And better earned than JaBBER Jaw’s.” He said, the tiny trident reared, And the first fish had all but speared, When, vertical upon the vow An Oyster thus addressed my Lord, Not ina be ome Ame key, But in a voice well-trained at sea. “ Ho! me po great guard and friend ! Attention and assistance lend.” Unblanched as was Pelides’ cheek When his own horse began to speak, Was Berueni’s face. He slightly backed : ** Move, but confine yourself to fact.” ** My Lord,” the Oyster said again, (Edging away from the Cayenne) * We ask relief, nor singly come, But in the name of Oysterdom. Too long, my Lord, a proverb old Links us with justice missed, or sold, Too long we’ve been the ribald type Of all who’d give the law a wipe, And now we hold it fitting time That you should quite reverse the rhyme. Why should an Oyster’s fate recal Two suitors cheated of their all ? Why should dull fools the Oyster quote As tumbling down the lawyer’s throat ? My Lord, our state is one of trouble, We heave, we hiss, we spit, we bubble, That we, aristocrats of food, Should always suffer jeers so rude, So beg that you, whose powerful hand Protects all. Natives of the land, ‘Ane land, as well your Lordship knows, s where the ocean ebbs and flows,) Will take some measures to abate The nuisance of our grievous fate, And cancel the injurious saw Which thus describes the end of law :— * A shell for him, a shell for thee, The Oyster is the lawyer’s fee.’ So make your Or&tor your debtor. Orator, if you like it better.” He ceased, arranged his beardy fringe, And sank upon his widowed hinge. \ ‘eq 01 1US3n0o 41 OIOUAM IOISAH OUT... 907 Ss IoAMBT 011 TTOUG puYB TI9eUg pUYW |

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June 4,

1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 235

i Ceiedines wailed : replied, in accents mild : — “ From many a Silk and Stuff in there, Dencunaleterdan a profane, divine, much worse harangues than thine. ry cs a sw 8 ; panet SEER Scere FEREES. if ij { BEE :

The Poor are now my earnest ra The workman hath enough to bear. Nor scoundrel tallymen shall j jom * With bailiffs for his hard-earned co’ ine low Attorneys, nes his ad, hall now beg coarse but honest bread. Henceforth rs e rg that carries smart ‘o my poor Oyster’s oozy Shall in another fashion And thus be passed by sire to son: * The A paul eg it ought to be, And shell and shell the ate hy fee.” Ain and the fable, w his chair up cave the tai, Wheeal th Oyste Y aon Cried, “Slat, cori weleaan.” |

REMOVAL BILL. AKE Notice,—Gentlemen of } ufos the House of Commons, ' next year there will be a pe ec Election, and pork ra uas entertain a wish ny your seats, had hotter fee e good care to found in them next Wed- nesday, that you may help to pass the Bill which Mr. a pon Roary sage to relieve us from the misery | of inflicted b Hany threo some ere be some of | straw. ae band or a banjo is a plea- surable excitement, or else stu and sleeping, (the words are oftentimes syno- nymous) at the back of a town house. so big that no street-noise is heard — ———. be some

I say, who may mm 3 phe: if a mere hand-organ on oo prove a nuisance. some of you, perhaps, may entertain a doubt if meulmen eed ll exist, base you Toureles so so rarely hear them. To guard against vee ae isguided nie ge into giving a wrong vote, Mr. begs = > inform or py en residence. Mr. knows an cae Nagar affidavit of this fact. of the intelligence he pleases, Foes e his Bill. + a go into the y street tormentors were met the other vin in but walk, within a very little distance from his — official Punch eye-witness who will (if he be, asked when he moves the cane yon Guaste-aeme your next election ; and here ’s a little song may sing next week in chorus, when you | idly be vote ee Mae Here’s to the Member sa Bil Punch hath seen, And its t most thoroughly sifted : receive the assent of the QuEEN, "Twill When through Commons and Lords Yt hath drifted. Let the Bill pass, Voie tet teat Bane, “acm *d encourage street-music’s an ass. eae Punch in the Court of St. Bride >On Zeenat i Be the truth of casauiadiieioeneieaen. walking from the Elephant and Castle over Ludgate Hill, at eight o'clock, a.m, I met the

I. Wrrwzss. (Bigned)

and Mr. Bass, may make what > second reading THE ROBBERS IN JUTLAND. THE —_ poe as given by easel. ae ind Bote roclama- tion issued mee a ane of the Kine or Prussia’s @alled Co patna no ge Po "of order of the First Robber, alias vi is Pree Ree oe VON Wranezt. Itisa scale of contributions to be levied statement be | on Danish landlords for SS up of the rem re — eaten, aaa yo er ee a are taoies raat a’ sweot, bute daily. . ou For breakfast 0 coffee and t soup, 1 pound — bread and cheese, a bottle of beer, an eighth of a pound of mano cee de mans ca, @ipetuh af Bag, and the serene, Wall now, really, the liberality of these wag ay for Prussian felons and cutthroats is extreme. It beats ev the dietary sary rcfasion on which convicts were until lately, if they are amt still, regaled in British prisons. In the most luxurious of all our we believe, were never indulged with cigars, if with any tobacco at > as certainly none of them have ever been allowed so many cigars as from eight to ten, or as much tobacco as an eighth of a pound a-day apiece. Some one may say that it is not fair to compare ‘the Prussian soldiers occupying Jutland to the malefactors who oceupy our gaols. There are differences between them. The principal ome is that the Prussian soldiery are out of gaol, whereas the British felonry are in gaol. The other is that whilst the latter depredators are s Bat thoweh e former are compelled to plunder their 7 ep BB rym the Renae soldiery in Jutland are out of gaol, with the British pron at the radhag ory mse of the pablis with whe se they are > at war. And, notwithstandi { the Kove or Prussta’s forces are plun- = te poses Be of his Majesty, they do his Majesty’s will nothing a nds may please to ppt If the princi elsewhere deserve to ser mat i ds us of W. doubt ALKENSTEIN name reminds us 'ALLENSTEIN ; no ee Shan al Be Busmanox, i otra the e Kine or Prussia RR VON in plunder and a oy of the —o- be to borrow the words of an in the murder of the Danesat S6n: hanged, what do the accessories before oe said to be k pene in though his writings have not any moral influence there, but taught bloody instructions, which may one of Eo gh ome the inventors, if the inventors are in eines not in aworse. They have thrown = to the valve of civ paper ig = py oy pen the ereafter be <i aor ee a are to be as rous‘as they please enemy invading Prussia will, by Prussia’s own preceden 9 justified in ra Prussia with the most merciless a. and Lc ob dele Note analenns of all tenant pe.

Wh soi and of ana nothing of the Othe lady we b : of course know the reasons for ‘her crossness, bu ——a e edge, ad of course kn may, wetink her fiends at harahy in publi ‘Tuer are talking ’em put some spirits | recording what is a private affair, penn ly as her temper may into ’em,—say gin. what kind of gin? as |be attrib sable to the scomieeis weather. We have often reprehended it’s for Cosa ile So these invesions of the snastity of Gommuutlo Bi. ’

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 4, 1864, Sous, a Curuet, aypD RavusarB Tart! WELL, IT AIN'T MY IDEA.” | | | | | | ‘UNIVERSAL HERO-WORSHIP COMPANY (LIMITED). INCORPORATED UNDER THE COMPANIES’ ACT, 1862. | [By_operation of which the liability of each shareholder will be | limited to the amount of cheers, or other manifestations of enthusiasm | (including banners, dinners, subscriptions to memorials, &c.) invested. ] ABRIDGED PROSPECTUS. } | The Conieng has been formed to supply a want severely felt in these days of general enlightenment, keen appetite for sensation, and singeles y demonstrative enthusiasm. . very sharp-sighted person must have remarked, with regret, the great waste of popular and productive enthusiasm, on occasions like the late visit of GENERAL GanrrpatpI, the Shakspeare Tercentenary, the Burns and Hanpzt Festivals, &c. &c., owing to the want of a proper organisation for employing these manifestations in a remunerative manner, on the great principle of co-operative capital which seems | destined to be the oo of industry in the present day. How | productive popular enthusiasm may be made is sufficiently shown by the enormous profits realised by catering individuals, or Associations— as the Directors of the Royal and Italian Opera, the Crystal Palace, and principal Railway Companies—by judicious operations in the wide- 8 excitement on the subject of GenzRat Garrpatpt, the memory of SHAKSPEARE, and similar investments of Hero- Worship. | tis hardly necessary to point out that co-operation and combination would have enormously increased even these large receipts, and secured | to a gigantic Association, such as that now brought forward, the returns | hitherto monopolised by individuals or small Companies. The Directors have introduced this Company with a view to extend to the wide, and hitherto only imperfectly worked field of See ae. the principles on which are founded the Orédit Mobilier and Crédit Foncier in France, and the influential Companies lately formed in imitation of them anene ourselves. As these Associations gather into a mountain of aggregate capital myriads of pecuniary molehills, so the Directors propose to fuse | A GOOD COOKE. | QuresLz, a cab-driver (the name is from the police report) summons a fare. Apparent misunderstan | claim allowed. Two other points. Mr. Cooxz, istrate, |reprobates, most strongly, the practice indulged in, by | snobs, of “treating cabby.” The custom is a vulgar relic |of the old coach time, when bottle-nosed ruffians were | propitiated by donated liquor. And if “cabby” gets treated |too much, and a subsequent fare is ill-treated, who’s to | blame? We trust that all Magistrates will instantly con- | | sider any case proved as against any treater. Next, Mr. | |Cooxe, Magistrate, strongly reprobated the practice in- | | dulged in by cabmen of saying, “I’ll leave it to you, Sir.” can easily be remedied. that, the law of fares is suspended. ‘Let the rider pay six- penne, and let the Magistrate refuse all further redress. | Mr. Cooke, however, deserves thanks for his judicial and judicious lesson. “TRAVELLERS DO STRANGE THINGS.” “ THouGat is free,” says a singer in the Zempest, and so | for that matter is dress. Yet, without the slightest idea of | infringing upon sumptuary liberties, is not—eh—well—but is not this rather—you understand—an odd costume for a person engaged in commercial pursuits. He says,— OWN TRAVELLER.—Has Travelled Eight Years in | skirts, stays, under-clothing, and millinery. First-class refe- rences.—Address * *, Shepherdess Walk. | The address makes the affair quite Arcadian, but as the advertiser has first-class references, we shall ride second- class should we see him in the train, od fear of - being provoked into the rudeness of smiling. That’s all | — A Hint. It plainly means, as Mr. Cooke says, extortion. But this. | The moment a cabman has said | Taz Telegrams from Germany say that “ the prospects. | of the Duke or AUGUSTENBURG have the first-floor, is sent up to the attics, he usually ob- ' about it. , sa tly improved.” | Little Gent (indignantly). “ ReasonaBte! Wat! 7s. 6d, a-HEAD FOR HALF a | When a swaggering lodger, who esta ished hinself on. Head Waiter (blandly). “ Hon, Str, fF you’D 4’ SPOKEN BEFORE’AND, WE'D tains an improved prospect, but seldom boasts much | | "AVE PERWIDED 4 DINNER MORE SUITED TO A STYLE OF GENTEEL HINDIGENCE.” into an overwhelming general excitement the small individual enthu- | siasms now unproductive, or productive to particular speculators only. The money returns of the undertaking they have every reason to believe will be enormous. In furtherance of their object the Directors propose that the Company | should enter into arrangements with GENERAL Garrpatpt for a pro- longed residence, and_ widely extended series of progresses, in this country (having first taken all necessary precautions for the fortification of his health), and this they have reason to think may be effected on terms which, while they will defray the General’s expenses on the most liberal scale, will yet, owing to the simple habits of the General, be insignificant in comparison with the returns to be expected by the ompany. They have also entered into negotiations with several leaders of fashion, and persons high in the official world, on terms highly advan- tageous to the Company,—it having been found that publicity and notoriety (which the Company will be in a position to secure in their most imposing form) are of greater weight with these classes than pecu- niary remuneration. It is the purpose of the Directors, in all cases, to work, in the first instance, all the metropolitan sources of admiration and sympathy. When -these are exhausted, their operations will be transferred to the provincial field of supply. ; They have already entered into preliminary arrangements with former objects of hero-worship, now thrown into the shade, but which only require a little judicious treatment, and a course of well-directed newspaper articles—for which the Directors need only say that they command the most eligible channels—to be again made productive. . The operations of the Company will gain greatly by being systematic, as the various veins of enthusiasm will be judiciously tapped in a care- fully-planned order, based on the soundest calculation of the love of variety and sensation among the masses, high andlow. Thus a course 0 patriots will be followed by one of Continental sovereigns, with occa- | sional intervals of popular pugilists, high-rope performers, and literary lions, alive and dead. | > 1g ba a Gen 20 24 e- oO la wos wees

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» to state the names ef

June 4, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 237

As the best po of ensuring brilliancy and effect for their o the Directors tiations with Ma. E. pea» aor MB at Her moters, and owners of M Production of E —— at entaomc liberal terms omg MESSRS. HORNBLOWER AND co ncong Green Court, Threadneedle Street. Ix Lonpox >-SKINDEEP AND STRUTT, Swallow Street. Ix Panis :—GOBEMOUCHE BLATANT ET COMPAGNIE, Rue Veauquitette. Directors. (To be Announced in a future Prospectus.) GeweraL Manacer or MANIFEsTations, ORGANISER OF OVATIONS, AND SEcRETARY, pro tem. J. B. BARNUM, New York. (With power to add to his number.)

THE ROYAL VISIT TO CAMBRIDGE. Mr. Pouncx comes out j i ust in time to assist the University authorities in this trying season of icing and Gaiety, by publishing clear an lucid directions for those igs and gentlemen, w Academical Ceremonies. CONFERRING DEGREES IN THE SENATE HOUSE ON THURSDAY, JUNE 2. 1. Ladies with blue tickets will enter by the right hand ‘door on the ¢ her sii ans taking caret come round the meets gee and sitting own in the order of seniority, panded y. putes concerning age to be 4 to the Senior Procto _ 2. Ladies with pink tickets, ma: 7 cochenge with ladies with blue a. eh. A to the Vice: Ghancele, 0 on or before ten o’clock in ns, ot their ho Bey caps and gowns. They will B, come in, in any eae, ess they can get in before the ladies biue tickets when they wil enter by the main door. Fach lady must present the with a certificate of baptism, and Godfathers and Godmothers. M. or ., as the case ty will, in no pace, be received asa satisfactory answer. Orders 3. 4. Gentlemen on one will dismount before reac th which will be entirely ac solely appropriated to shine oi graduates, and anyone who can get a place in it. eer sticks Is, and crinolines to be left at the doo The % Proctors’ Bands will ‘orm several "beautifal ieces of music during the ceremony. a. ice-Chancellor may, by a Grace of es call woee, ony | mere BR capa od or @ song or a sentiment ; but he will not be expected to join in chorus. 6 The Rupees are expected to cap all the Vice-Chancellor’s jokes. 7. Smoking will be permitted in all parts of the building. The p ceedings will commence with a request from Dr. W ny Fs ‘all may ven while the waiters are in the dag The Provost ay of King’s will weather pouiiting start the key-note of Number Ninety-nine in the nae a tuning 4 8 deliver a speech in Latin, which the ladies will consider very clever, and the gentlemen applaud whenever Mr. familiar word.

rations, | . SmrrH, Mr. Cooke, and Messrs. Hows anp 12. Cusuune for the use of the banners and scenic resources of the first, | respond to encores. . The p gs will terminate and the equestrian s pee pechuming elephants, and four-legged lions of | Fitzwilliam Museum. Vouchers ie anything can be obtained from | the latter. The best results are anticipated from the artful combination | University Drags of the s and bi of the genus Leo, which has hitherto been ey have made a liberal off Moral- Engines for the will be treated with on who are assisting at the The cbtic i is faticined, that the performers will not be allowed to | with a man, and the Junior Bulldo; 13. Yecliant of Modern History will course on Muscularity, ag late Duxe or WELLINGTON, which they propose to turn to account at Fireworks in the evening. = objected celebration of deceased worthies. F . Marty Fargunar! 15. On re erring, there wi frog over the backs of the | | TUPPER has accepted, provisionally, the arduous office of bard to the | Colleges. dren in arms cannot te within the Senate | Company, and negotiations are in progress with Port (not ARCHDEACON) ome, nagh by Grace. This ms not apply to young | Crosz, to relieve TurreR on the rare occasions when he requires | Volunteers. time to ti or his Pegasus to recover his wind. Dr. Cummine has| 16. The Proceasio’ Saturday everybody will stop in eee al day. ‘Vouchers not

have been aed to act as Standing Orators when no A | enthusiastic nobleman is available ~ by S e the we at the — ieee | tions which it is one main Company to organise ugh- | out the length and breadth he a Extensive Te be made with Keepers and Showmen of ad or dead; and Proprietors of Relics, Hero-worship-Pro-

EVEN THE DRAGON ON THE CHURCH SPIRE GETS TIRED OF THIS EVERLASTING EAST WIND.

Note from the MS. Diary of an Intelligent Foreigner Visiting England. “ Tar 2 Gow of the Anglican Established Church dress in black coats, black waistcoats, showing a fair amount of shirt front, and white cravats tied in bows. They are very humble. I une aes them in this fulfilling the most menial nial chess: wailing the tables of the rich ; and either driving, sitting b the coachman, or perched up the carriages of the wealthy.” .

Cruel Practical Joke. In anticipation of a General Election at no distant date, some at ro. | Oxford, supposed to be a Conservative Doctor of —"'y ‘has Pp ed the walls of all the Colleges with -—~ Quaneus orking Man’s Friend,” “ GLApsTONE, | we ae ew * Veto fa aes Manh uffrage.’ and

“SID THE MERRY BELIS RING.” Blair Athol’s triumphant arrival at the Winning Post last Wednesda was instantly followed by a General Peal, P

Ruiz mn Anrremetic TO BE REMEMBERED BY GERMANY AND

Prussia.—Two into one! you can’t ! in balloons, will be up Trinity Street to | | kindly to accept the office of Clerical Enthusiast and Millenarian <m. OcSeaes if the rer of the roads render it Feasible. fe oye: the sag aoe and Messrs. Wasurxeton WIxxKs and i ll. A few modsletions will then be played on the Organ by the | y to say that they-have all but concluded nego- | Master of Keys dance in the | offer—now under favourable | finishing up with a set-to with Mr. Jackson, Professor of the Nob e | Majesty’s Office of Works—for the funeral-car of | Art

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 4, 1864, Over CapraIn Is ONE OF THE GALLANTEST FEeLLOws IN THE Service (R.V.), BUT HE CANNOT FACE H.M,’s GUARDS IN THE STREETS. HE GENERALLY TAKES REFUGE IN A HansoM. TRIBUTE TO THE DUKE OF CAMBRIDGE. His Royrat Hicuness tae Duxe or Camsrines, at a banquet deservedly given to a dt the Salters’ Company, in responding to the toast of His Royal Highness’s name associated with that of “The Army, Navy, and Volunteers,” made a remark which may, with special propriety, be transferred to these columns. Said the Com- MANDER-IN-CutEF to the Worshipful Salters :— “ The way to ed ge moral influence bear on the affairs of the world is by keeping your physical power so efficient, that should the moral influence break down, a ready resort can be made to the physical. (Chéers and a Laugh.)”’ We congratulate the Duxe or CamsprincE on the foregoing obser- vation, which, being an extremely -sensible one, of course created a laugh. An extremely sensible observation ones does. A very wise saying produces just the same effect as a very foolish one. The wisdom of the ancient jester afforded as much amusement 'as his folly. Perhaps the former was sometimes mistaken for the latter by those who called the jester their “ fool.” In the sense in which they probably used the word, we may be permitted to say that the Duxe or Campinas, at the dinner that. was given. to him by the Salters’ Company, in pro- poundirig a maxim the truth of which is so strikingly illustrated by the conduct of all foreign powers, and. especially just now by that of Austria and Prussia, made a very fool of himself. His Royal Highness deserves to be crowned with our own cap and bells, Notes and Queries. ALGEBRAIsT wants to know where X Square is in London ? (It is out of London; not far from Kew.—Ep.) Mammors asks whence the following quotation comes :— “ Beware of jealousy, it is a Green Eyed Monster, | It blesses him that gives and him that takes, And being gone he is a man again.” We can’t call the passage to mind at this moment. Consult a| Solicitor.) PROFESSORS IN A PASSION, Let dogs delight to quarrel over their bones ; but, Members of the Ethnological Society, do not fall out over yours.. Cannot skulls be dis- cussed by philosophers without the interchange of abuse? You should not let such angry passions rise. as you did one evening last week, at a meeting of. your learned Association, when’ a Paper was read by Dr. Donovan, “On Empirical and Scientific Physiognomy ;”. the system of LavaTER in contrast with that of Gain and,SrurzHem.. In the course of his observations on that subject, Dr. Donovan is reported to have “‘ made fun” of some remarks of Sm Davip Brewster respecting it.. He thereby fairly laid his own open to .be made fun of likewise by any ethnologist present capable of making fun., Instead of that, his opponents made use.of strong language. . Proressor Busx.is stated to have denounced his paper as a “ farrago of nonsense,” and his jocosity in regard to BrewsTER as “ disgraceful to a scientific meeting.” Dr. Hon is represented as having declared that it “ ought not to be read,” and another gentleman, we are told, said that a work of Comse’s on Phrenology, quoted by Dr. Donovan, was “one of.the most trashy publications on a scientific subject which had ever a peared.” Dr. Donovan, in reply, expressed the gratification he felt in having “ trotted the antiphrenologists out.” Mr. Punch is a decided phrenologist, because he has himself such a fine forehead. He believes that when an antiphrenologist is a violent | antiphrenologist, it is simply because that antiphrenologist has a b one. After-Derby Prosody. Synalepha is the cutting off a vowel at the end of a word before another at the beginning of a word: as, “‘ Ishaway 10’ have in th’army.” Ecthlipsis is the cutting off the letter M before another word : as, “ We won't goho't li morling.” ‘ Crasis is the contraction of two syllables into one: as, “* 7°// d’light doesh’ pear.” _ Diaresis is the resolving one syllable into two: as, “ F’he’sha s0- jolly good fuf-fellow.” Printed by Mh = of London.—Satunpar, June 4, 1864. at their Office in , of. No. 13, Upper Woburn Piace,m the Parish of St. Pancras, in the rman ne Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precinc* of im the Precinct of Whitefriars, ity of London, and Publishea by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parieh of St. Bride, Ci

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June 11, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. lst Navvy. “’A YE stn 4 Dawa ABOOT YEAR, YEAR ’ALF, TWO YEAR OLD, TAIL INCH; INCH ’ALF, TWO INCH LONG?” 2nd Navvy, “ Or, SIN "IM ABOUT HOUR, HOUR AN’ ’ALF, TWO HOURS AGONE, MILE, MILE AN’ ALF, TWO MILE DUN T’ Roap!” [Exit 1st Navvy, whistling. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. May 26¢h, Monday, A nation with a virtue which all nations admire, bravery, and doubtless with other virtues which are not so apparent to the eye of Joun Bux, with his constable, taxes-paying, and general de- corum ideas, as they might seem toa less rational person, is in course of extermination. There were, a few years ago, 100,000 Maoris in New Zealand, there are now about 50,000. In a few more years there will be none, and against this loss are to be set two items, the comfort of the colonists, who covet quiet possession of the Maori lands, and the extinction of Lorp Macavtay’s abominable New Zealander. Lorp Lyrrteton, speaking to-night, considered that we had not behaved altogether humanely to these aborigines, with;whom we are now waging a warfare that means something as like extermination as the usages of polite war will permit. As nobody knows anything about the colonies, it may not be superfluous to mention that while England ruled the New Zealand settlers, the natives got tolerably fair play, but now that we have given the settlers a Constitution, they not only seek to have the Maoris put down Cr gy (and it is very natural that they should) but they make English folks carry on and pay for the war. In Punch’s spirit of the most impartial justice he ought to add, that there are many olunteers, among the colonists, who are extremely ready to aid in serving out the New Zealanders, and that the latter war after a fashion which they think fair, but which we call murder. This was the subject of the Monday night conversation in the Lords, and the Government had not much to say, but thought that the first thing to be done was to subjugate the natives. This work the gallant GenzraL Cameron is doing with all desirable aw. Those Liverpool Steam-Rams, which of course were not built for the Confederates, but for the French, also for the Bey of Tunis, likewise for the Pacha of t, are delivered from law, for the Government has bought them for the nation, for £220,000. As the Confederates had nothing to do with them—did not the builders say so ?—it is very strange that Confederate organs should a irritation at this purchase, but there are some things that no fellah, not even an Egyptian Fellah, can be expected to understand. The Volunteer Review, before the Privce anp Princess oF WALEs, was a glorious sight. As glorious, in its way, was the muddle about tickets to behold it. Red Tape was once more in all its glory. People who om to have had cards had none, and people who had no right to any had lots, a state of things which was alleviated by tickets being of no use, because the = let anybody who liked take the places. The mess is between the War Office, the Police, and the Works, and it may be illustrated by the fact that tickets were thrust into the hands of Volunteers as they were marching to the ground, when such things must have been singularly useful. “ System” is not dead, and we shall have another Crimean business one of these days, unless we establish a Volunteer War Office. An official of pur sang would far rather a regiment went to battle without cartridges than that they should be given out before all possible letters had been written, all possible entries e in ledgers, and all possible red tape expended. It did not much matter in the Park, but it will matter a great deal in Prussia, or wherever the next war may be. ine oe Parliament ascended to semi-practical joking, and a debate on the Spirit Duties was linked to one on Mr. Home and his Spirits, and his expulsion from Rome. WHITEsIDE was for cheapening the alcohol and Korsucx for avenging the Spirit-rapper. Government triumphe on the first point, and common sense on the second. Sim Epwin’s Lions were again promised—one this year. Tuesday, Lorp GRANVILLE, answering Lorp CHELMSFORD on a matter of no consequence, accused the good-natured, but rather talkative ex-Chancellor of being still actuated by a rule dear to young barristers, namely, that “ it is unprofessional to refuse any brief.” Slightly imper- tinent, but not so bad. The Penal Servitude Bill was read a Second ime, Lorp Grey thinking it not severe enough. Some Peers saw objections to the yrsnoees police surveillance over the ticket-holders. It would be well if the police had also surveillance over the ticket-sellers, who establish mock box-offices to cheat Opera-goi ing —— who deserve it, however, because they will not go to the right pla t place. A great Chinese debate in the Commons, but as Mr. Conpast justly said that a man would sleep more soundly if he knew the whole Chinese Empire, of 300,000,000 souls, were to be destroyed in the night, than if he had arranged to have a tooth pulled out in the morning, we shall merely say that British interference in China was deprecated and defended, and VOL, XLVI. BB

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ask | 240 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 11, 1864, that London will be much more interested in learning that ALDERMAN SaLomons brought in a Bill for domg away with Tolls on our Bridges. By the way, how a cabman hates to hear the instant “right,” from the tollman at Waterloo. It shows that you had your twopence read y— ergo that you know London—ergo that you know the fare. Finally, we had a “ warm” debate on the Committee which Government has discovered is necessary to clear its honour in the Roserr Lows and Document-Mutilation business. Mr. Cxay hit line Dee See hard for his sharp practice in h about a paper which he knew Lowe was incapable of seeing. Later, a Committee of Five, with two non-voting s, Was ap- pointed. Who cares? Wednesday. The Bill for doin Rather a warm debate—the fires amateurs of that ‘ao a Lorp Rozert could be a hman who — not Seas Sir GEORGE — ye er hiss isa — ter. Md cure he aan at ear was lest young Diss peeamane, going Sea the genius loci, and become Churchmen. tell him that poy new ¢ objection to this. His Bish n shorter and shorter of the standard, and judging experience, he can well he aes it. Why not let in the fresh, fearless, young Dissenters? They want to be Scholars and Gentlemen. Dissent erects beautiful Gothic churches that, shame the contract-built barns of Evangelical architects, and as for social : parting Teac fo the amg soot, a ete ata patting legacy to the rising sectarians, roy = ee though not endowed with perso: 3 manly? The Bill pa hee Byrn on Thee 336i 36 Thursday. Inspired by Mr. Punch’s rein of last > gy me CLANRICARDE brought in a Bill in favour of the bred treo June, egeiare are not in (except in the celebrated pi of the “ Chelsea Pensioners e News of Waterloo”), “, therefore examine MezssRs. m, Lyny, Ri ag Harvey, and other as . Seer “ay _ now Pye leisure and lobsters. regret, and, ane sham ate | that he has an a a a hes his unfortunate habit earing both sides before a ante voting mae is convinced = a tat course tantly to accept rt, or a provinetl paragraph, and yay * Piving Pll waited for fn try in -_ into Payne ree r . reference to a case of prima facie iP, an om sapeeatiy ly severe sentence by Mr. Payne, the Pusch is Sm GeorcE Grey stated to-night that the cul faa lied awfully, as and was a contrat , and that there was nothing to find fault with in the ture, Mr. Punch intends to imitate some of his contem- k — egies the Tests at Oxford. eye ene hats mor and on the statements of am be chilled. py eon We shall not insult Sen owe my to ackno —_— mpt a woman is w ey af hope of pleasing her. How, rare id die (or own she dj or up that ee eee chat fl—, ish, and hat she and betel for _ often. How instantly | be ent if she law-making, and hope that the told so. Wes needles Lords, who are t tke bnshondlo af Ladien, will dhnow 4hia mroneare ont. Friday. Lonp Suarrespury earnestly advocated the Bill for pro- | hibiting the emplo. eee of boys in sweeping err yel That after | ar 1864 yuan Christianity such a measure should very brought forward are too a who mew over the sorrows of the Circassians, and devout ladies who | send missionaries to the Chinese, had better know what is done in their makes her a| ! weed ian spas oy and | | ~ fe houses, and —_ a few feet of their own beds, with the children | | of white English f New Minister a ex ed that Greenwich Hospital is to be reformed. ‘The building is to i" kept for the i and the other old salts are to have their allowances, and spend them where they like. At present, the Hospital has £150,000 a-year, and wastes £80, The Scotchmen actually a debate, but it ended in the decision that Scotland manages her legislation very quietly and well, and that no alteration in the system is wanted. Advertisement. (For a Suburban Music Hall Propridor.) O VOLUNTEER DRUMMERS.—DO YOU BEAT YOUR RE- TREATS? If so, go to Somers’ Town ; aps “ RETREAT” can't be beaten by anyone. Commence at, é&c. Admission, & c. Bill was | dignity, that we knows how = Learned Profession’ to the system of ) seener 4 a, criticise it | sec relating to the Bankruptey ABBEOKUTA AND DYBBOL. Ox the Kine or Danomey’s infuriate Against Abbeokuta breathed slaughter com fire ! He went forth with his men and his women of might, To assault it, and sack it, and raze it outright. He led on his black bands in their battle array. All athirst for the bloodshed, all keen for roe And wy be moe and they glared, males and the Brey as well, Whilst they tramped to the tomtom with warwhoop and yell. But the Egbas, forewarned, had long kept a look-out,' . ue their walls had well mounted a aaenal round about, Be their brave Abashorun prepared to abide the onslaught of Bapanune’s rapine and pride, Thrice ome thousand armed sa rush on the wall, But the battlements blaze, and the miscreants yee spraw! biting the dust, these are shot alg own, those, Are dragged over the ramparts and slain by ta, te. scale es wall avin the + nee fm q at hand. ne the Tyan — ae 0 er Then she fired wath apg eer ’s po Her dren, dead aad th Mee el back ia che cant Of ten thousand black rascals ome thousand were slain, Besides many more wounded; two thousand were ta’en. With the Egbas behind them hem the rest of them fled, And the first ran away with their King at their O that right could at Dees too, thus have a And the savage attack Yes, and O that Kuwe Wnaaax, Rie Bap ADAHUNG’S peer, Had been th thus chased away with a flea in his ear! , But this difference there is tween Dahomey’s dark sons, And your Prussians; Or those thieves And the fate of the Great and grave is the peril wherein the “nds stands, ' From the weapons of —y~ in apm Let us look to our arms, t to blows, We may lick, like the eh "the like like of their foes. LAW INTELLIGENCE, ~ We need hardly say how great is our respect for the a of read | the Law : in fact, it is only out of regard for the maintenance of its due feel compelled to draw the attention of the members of Cent ies adopted in the my et to the court. Thus, may be seen in one egal announcements of the news | single yeed line— “Mr. Reeistrar Rocue is the Registrar of the day.” excellent gentleman and most admirable Registrar. But t he is “The Registrar of the Day!”—that is, the Regis- trar - excellence—is rather hard upon Mr. Haziirt, who is, we are | sure, no whit behind Mr. Rocus in the skill with which he discharges | his professional duties. It’s all very well for Messrs. Noszs & Son, or Buy’sm & Co., to placard the town with flaring pan to the effect that he (that is, either one or the other) is the Zhe Snip of the Day; A ~~ is orrible, and also very sugpestive. The details which h the Parl but it is a step or two down the ladder for Mr. Recistrar Rocue to ior reproduction here, but fine ladies | be a party to such an arrogant assertion as that of which we complain. While upon this subject, we would draw attention to the mode in which Public Business in transacted by some of ou our principal Legal Functionaries. Among the arrangements we “ Before Mr. COMMISSIONER deaieees, “ Beares, Audit, at 11.” Good gracious! Everyone knows what “ Audit” is.” It is the cele brated powerful Ale brewed at Trinity College, Cambridge. Strong ale at eleven o’clock i’ the morning! Tor w is Commissioner fit for the rest of the day? Let us ask him what does he take at One? What is his tipple at Three? And—shade of Coxe upon Lirrieton !— what can his Nighteap be ! And then they call Law a dry study. Yes, we should think it was. A SEA-PIECE. Wuewn is a Fishing Boat in danger of sinking? When it has got a fissure in it.

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Juxe 11, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONIYON CHARIVARI. 241 FOUR GEMS IN ONE SETTING. HE ways of business-men are inscrutable, as inscrw i their jargon. But we have all aright to use our reason and common-sense, when examin- i ing anything that is set. before us. e distimetly declare, im defiance of all the dogmatism. of business-men, that we do not believe in the reason assi Hull folk know good beer from bad, and that he is obliged to de too much Hop? pausing for a the sea, and stable :— Some Irishmen are affable. ‘ some are haughty, but we did not expeet to hear of any Hibernian gentleman riding the high horse to this extent. | Wor rish Giant who has taken. off his flesh and stands, for coolness, in his bones (as we should have been glad to do | A horse more than five yards high would suit the , We eross | = of monsters, here are evidences of the most brutal cruelty among a class which we believed ming more sw ved was humane and civilised. This is from canny Newcastle :— wax TED, AT THE FELLING COLLIERY, a MAN as KICKER. Must be able to Write weil, and keep Accounts. Apply personally, with recommendations, at * * * *, Newcastle. Felling and kicking: Was ever such ferocity publicly laimed ? Keep accounts, indeed! The savage who fells is fellow-creatures and then kicks them, ought himself to be accounted for in the of the Newgate Calendar. Recommendations! They should come from the Ring, surely, and 72 our fiercest never kick a man after they have felled him. Willmgly turning from such a revolting subject, we come to as a notification, put forth in a,London paper -— ‘To CONFECTIONERS.—_WANTED, 2 MAN, to BOIL, t two or thes daysa week.—Apply to Di Sxetron, &c. &c. Sxettow, indeed! Skeleton must surely be the horrid . | Name, le is probably) was boiled in Smithfield, in the dark ages, for Keres ont cvideally othe pon his. oF = | slight m is im the possession of several ‘cheap eating-houses; and this wholesale ing of one’s E- darkness. Wecan write ne more. Confectioner, Jam satis. ithowt | é Dictionary Made Easy. © Revewprcats,” said Marta, as-her blue: eyes fell upon i vat kek apectiy word, ut ”? toam Trish I’m sure, 1 what do yow to mean by that impertinenee, Sir?” “2. Only that it would be revendicating”—said the arch CuarRiEs, “that is, claiming back something that was | boxing his ears. PICKED UP AT EPSOM (AFTER THE EVENT). just before the East wind came) in Surgeons’ Hall. It is to England’s advantage horses ? that Oireland should emigrate, if she produces such monsters. But, talking Because none of them were scratched. A ROAR FROM A LION, Mr. Puncu, _ I am a Lion; in fact, I am ¢e Lion whose cast, if you live long enough, you may live to see adorning the completed Nelson umn, great-grandfather first sat as a model for the work, and the honour that thus reached him has through succeeding generations descended uyon me. Both my grandfather and father spent their lives in the same service, and as I inherit a likeness to the family, Sir Epwin next did me-the honour to select me for the work. Of course, I thought it a great compliment, and have tried to look my best. But I’ve been sitting such a time now that I’m getting rather tired of it, and I’m afraid that my expression is not quite what it was. Besides, I don’t mind telling you my hair is falling off, and my is sadly bare from being so much sat upon. I don’t want to whine about my per- sonal disfigurement, or to growl because my patience is pretty nigh worn out. I know Six Epwrx would not have kept me so long sitting, but that he wished to take the greatest pains about the correctness of his cast. Still I wish would just hint to him that time is of im- portance at my somew: ced age, and that he had best complete my before I get gui¢e bald, and altogether lose my pristine you chance to come my way, I hope you will look in, and_if it be Redes tin, come and xf a bone with me. The tiger says I am so aged that you would hardly know me. But any of the keepers will direct you to my den, anid | shall be delighted to shake you by the paw, and thank you for your kind insertion of this letter. ith a roar of admiration at the way in which my family are always drawn in Puseh, I beg leave to subscribe myself, Yours faithfully, Tue Lion. P.S. If you come I ho will bring Zody, as I know some little cubs who would revel ayagh with him. ' Haciotocy.—Patron of a Fishmarket.—St. Poly-carp. A GRATEFUL COUNTRY. A Confectioner boils # mam two or three times a | week. Times have altered. A Cook (and Confectioner | fellow-creatures. shows that we aze-relapsing into Simmerian | taken from you.” “You’re a greatstory, Sir, ’said Maria, | Way should three Scotchmen have had the first three In commenting, the other day, on the Volunteer Review, then in | prospect, a contemporary remarks that :— * Every man who is on the ground deserves well of England, and England is not | wont to be ungrateful to her sons who render her good service.’ Most true. ; relative to a certain gallant body of forces :— As the Army and Navy Gazette observes, in an article “ Any one who chooses may employ one of the finest soldiers who ever faced an enemy—whose breast is covered with medals and ribands, amid which hangs that of the Victoria Cross—to run of errands for him for threepence a mile, and the man who belonged to this very battalion of which we speak is glad to get it.” A Commissionnaire with the Order of Valour on his breast, and an | empty sleeve pinned by the cuff beside it, ramning an e pence, and glad to get the money, presents a fine example of England’s titude to her sons who render her service, and lose a limb in for three- | oing so. A still finer example is presented by a winner of the Victoria | Cross who has lost his legs, and cannot run, and will be very much obliged to you if you will give him a halfpenny. ce Black Loses ” Ar a critical point in the Hyde Park Review, A “ Devil’s Own” Company parted in two : Accept the good omen, rejoice one and all ! When Avtp Crootrg’s “ divided,” he’s going to fall. Tabernacle, C. H. Seurczon. Military Administration. At the Volunteer Review in Hyde Park, particular attention was attracted by a battalion in scarlet. This was the lst Administrative Battalion, en ie Rifle Volunteers. We have no doubt that the Derbyshire, and, in 2 ini it comes to be engaged with anything like will administer to its adversaries a sound drubbing. deed, every other Administrative Battalion, if ever | numbers of an enemy, |

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Juwe 11, 1864.

iv < A SCENE h Xx ~ fh Pai IN BELGRAVIA—AND A FACT, TOO. Youna Lapy corve out ror a Rip—E—OrGan-GRINDER STRIKES UP—PoNY REARS—CHILD NEARLY FRIGHTENED TO DgEatH—NOT A CASE OF Ituness!—Can’? INTERFERE—DIRTY RUFFIAN PLAYS ON, WHILE POLICEMAN EATS ORANGE.

THE EXIT OF PRIVATE LIFE. Persons who are nervous, and persons who wish to be thought smart, find a difficulty in getting out of a room. For their comfort, Mr. Punch has Tr ye ge a variety of Lieut Exrrs (to use the st phrase) by the aid of which a member of either class may promote the comfort of the company by departing with grace and promptitude. Let him watch his opportunity, and then introduce any of the following | ,,.., little speeches :— “T was glad to see that Her Masesty walked yesterday on the Slopes; and, talking of that, I must slope” . Exit. “ Do you think it” s going to rain? I hope not; but weather or no, I must mizzle” Exit. “Your fire —- looking. t to, Mas. Brows, or it will be ’ going out—as, indeed, I must be” . Exit. ** A beautiful ‘geranium, "| Mrs. Jonns, and raised, I suppose, from a cutting—ha! ha! I must be a cutting, too” “A very interesting auction at CHRISTIE’s yesterday, and it was curious to see how the things were going—like me” . “The concert was very brilliant. I never -heard Miss Poors me | that song better, ‘O don’t you remember Sweet a Ben ¢’—and I must bolt” . * Tt would have been a foolish match, ‘my dear lady. She had nothing, and a squint, and he “ nothing, and his debts. It’s off, an so am 1” ** Hastings is Jeasant, but there i is so o much boat. building that, § where a , you smell Tar, which I must now say ” (4isse. gers a i: ome said something i in the House about the dirty state of the Fountains, and said that he must look to the source, in in fact, au reservoir” , * An has just be ‘at Ham ton and the other Thames

places, but I prefer sea-fishing, - there, _ a = — are sure to hook it; as I beg todo” . .| ask Mr. Wesster or Mr. “Do not, my darling ARABELLA, walk out too early in the y, for you are delicate, and at that time the isa is covered oth what I must now say—a dew” . Beit. Some Americanisms are exceedingly quaint ‘end humorous, To say ‘I go,’ a person say ‘I absquotulate’ ’ is to say nothing, but - a laugh to hear . Brit. (Ingenious variations and additions caine as the fashionable amuse ment of the season.)

CURIOUS HISTORICAL PARALLEL. * A Srurenpovs national. cala- mity, however, was averted by Lorp Coop1z’s making the timely discovery that if in the heat of debate he had said that he scorned -|and despised the whole ignoble career of Sm Tuomas Doon ez, he j¢_| had merely meant to say that party differences should never induce him to withhold from it the tribute of ;¢,| his warmest admiration.” —Bleak House. “* A SrrRanGE national agitation, however, was _allaye y Mr. GLADSTONE’s making and printing the timely discovery, that if in the heat of debate he had said that he scorned the allegation that any class of men by not entitled to the suffrage, he hi aio | meant to say that theoretical belief should never induce him to disturb the balance of representation.” — House of Commons,

From a Twaddling Old Cynical Fidget. We say “ posting a letter.” Our combative cousins across the sea *| say, “ mailing a letter.” They are nearest right. Post is a meaningless word now—except when a letter is exist. Without further critical remar -|is a much safer course than femaling one ; for a gentleman to whom you ilar. But mails still d that mailing a letter ut into a » we will confide your despatch has some idea - the desirability of early posting, whereas a S an time will ECHTER for stalls, do—except when the letter is to

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- — OUT OF THE RACE. Giapstonz. “ PERMIT ME TO EXPLAIN—DEMOCRACY——” Pam. “OH, BOTHER YOUR EXPLANATIONS! YOU’VE BLOWN: YOUR HORSE, AND YOU’RE OUT OF THE RACE.” ES | CS pS _ » | aia i vill, ge bas ULide os A 7 |] 4 t e ny R. 1g 1e 1e Ly ne) at ld 1e $¢ _- Ae le

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tl Bal a er aa Jonz 11, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. H | ronounciation of the English that is, if he *Il A GROWL FROM A BRITISH FLAT. snd mind is a, at pat his hemphasis i i Tho wort on i Wart—here I am—laid up against the wall of the Lyceum scene.| #13" he do slip About the make-p poopy d bad in my distemper, and my size as much redooced as if| ain’t no ’arm in a flaxen wig—mind, J don’t Lope you’ll I'd on Bamriie’s system for a twelvemonth. Wish I had.| allow there ain’t no reason ’ should wear that ere black’ crape It’s a deal wuss than;that. I’m laid off, bless ye. Flats ain’t no use in widder’s eap ’atop on it; it do make him look uncommon top-’eavy. this here theayter now, not d the scenes; they’ve n0/ And 1d like to know if *Amlet hadw’t ought to look a leettle out of objection to ’em in [ll be bound. Were on the French system, | sorts, arter he seen the If the Guv’nor wen’t tur down his we are: our scenes is under the stage—all ground » | stockin’s, ab least Ie might "avo i Ieetiic of the Sent ot okt of and no wings oves his or or other. But he look as band-boxy in the third and h sets an be do in the fit. Bleat if that can be right I About the rest? Well, for aserateh lot, they’re not Mind, I don’t see why the Guv’nor’s name be in such uncommon big letters. The wust on ’em all is that they’ve ketched the way of the place, and gone in agin’ the old business. There ’s that Exexy now—I remember his father in Tyke. He’s a clever man, but he ain’t made upas I remember the King. He’s more like picturs of Danish that our p’ man was showin’ the other day out of the History and he seem to make the pomts pretty much as he likes wi = y aes for the old ways. His father wouldm’t a’ stood that. *s Joun Brovenam’s Polonius—why he make him quite a respectable pid poatlenen toes none of the old Fees 5 t six = all his nine lengths. old in a shoved, flaxen wi se tot Bless avong changy nous as pica fd Re phy by boom ia the theapter” since old Noy ld the msi, has OF ad PS. about was u ( iF | : ! We're low, we are , . . we must be kep servants in swell fam’lies, without bein’ ‘wasn’t to be heard neither. But we showed ’em mar will make a tidy thing of i,t the poblic makes as a c as as his set-pieces does. And I don’t . knockin’ their ’eads together in the dark, poor in that nasty mazarine. It may do for French flats: *re used to it, as they is to frog-size, and scene-shifters British battens, canwas that’s got move, oat colours that ain’t got no call , if set-pieces does run rusty,.and strike work, and objects to play, and , it’s only nateral, put down as they is, pe men ned in their ‘wens _set on the bile, at an ! to? What does: he get out on it, arter all? down agin the float, and a big set at the back, ruination in cloths and supers, and the first so impossible, and effect’s out of the question. ever old Stanxy knocked off at the Lane or out, to do its work with pleasure to itself its employers within eight foot of the float. such a situation, when I was took off ir feelings. I was rayther nuts on myself, I ’un. Bein’ a Gothic Castle, with a scruto-work about me, it’s only nat’ral should have some fam’ly pride. Many and many’s the run on for the platform of the Castle of Elsinoor. I wouldn’t like to say how often poor Jem Warp’s walked afore me as the Ghost at the Lane. Jem had a feelin’ for his line o’ business. He'd a’ stood none of your parley-voos. ‘ somever, if this sort of thing goes on, the company will be runnin’ as rusty as the scenery, that’s one comfort. The Guv’nor’s a takin in out on ’em, and sarves’em right too. There’s his name in the street a a good hinch longer nor any o’ theirs, and all theirs, from the King down to Bernardo and Marcellus, the same size to a nail. They’l/ like uncommon! The Guv’nor a’nt no mercy on’em, and [I’m glad on it. A party as can treat scenery as he’s done ain’t to be ex) to think much of his company. bout the actin’ P—Well I like the Guv’nor in ’Amle¢ better than I thought-I should. He’s gettin’ into a pint or two, ’ere and there; and, if he goes on another twelvemonth, he’ll know something about the SR EE . 7 se ee fe se ze : i And ight I’ve | ¢, in. But this here little fee *ve a over forcing on her. Mind I to do she were the old sty’ he didn’t come the Elocution, as I’ve some on ’em ; don’t give herself the airs of a first juvenile lady, and take the and eye the audience over, as ‘much as to say, “Here I am, won't you give me a round?” She’vea good deal to learn, I should say, afore she makes the most of herself. But somehow she looked so good and sweet, and innocent; and she 80 in that scene with Laertes, and seemed so about young ’Am/et, and then when she give” s . Se pa yee sg st actin’ as I few it, and n taught it oug! be—bu rought my art into my prac- ticable door, and set my old wb Re nw a reno say it’s the damp, when any o’ these here new- set-pieces on mazarine floor pokes their fun at me. In short, if give me a I can’t say more than that. The mad scene? Well, I can’t tell you; it made me cry, and sent a cold shiver down my battens ; and I’d rayther not talk about it, on’y I recommend you to go and see it. Never mind the Guv’nor’s bad English. Yow go and see it. P*raps you "i tell me whether it’s actin’ or not. Leastways it’s werry ?. . .. but mind it ain’t the old style. Prissy Horton, she warn’t old style neither, bless her heart. I often thinks 1’ll Texsin if he can’t get me a turn at the Gallery of Illustration along with Prissx. But I feel I’d like to have'a night or two more of little Kare Terry's Ophelia rst. I know I’m on’y an old flat—but them ’s my feelins. Biters Bit. “An M.P.” corroborated by “An Ex-M.P.,” wri complains of having been pestered with a Ww be the puffing advertisement of a firm of i apparently Semitic. Dentists, who resort to the means ted by these peteons to obtain publicity and custom, must be sup to deal in teeth which may be expected to bite, ing to the Times, ich turned out to from their name Way is Mr. Bass like a Dentist? Because he’s going to remove the grinders.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. : [June 11, 1864. we Ww RK wo“ Ky hg - CA EQUAL TO THE OCCASION. Undergraduate (who will buy straw-stem Wine-glasses and curiously-cut Decanters, though they are always coming to grief), “ Hat1o, PIRQUIZzIT, WHY WHAT IN THE Name or,” &c., &c. Intemperate Gyp rw engaged in “washing up” on the landing above). “ Way, SIR—THESE YER—GLASSES 0’ YOURN—THEY WON’— stan’ THE OT WatTE THE LATITUDE OF LADIES. | | Sr, In the House of Commons I find Mr. Cowper making the ye —— 2 my oamble, 8 no eee Se | subjoined observation relative to the fact that, at the Volunteer Review, That _ = ho off, ” d le raly Sue th many persons, regardless of the notice printed on the cards of admission, Ho i s ’Mediun Flow stay there. which reserved the first three rows of chairs for ladies, took the front Where? mae, woe! grees. * stayin R | seats for themselves, and refused to give them up to those whom they ere’er you may wander, you can’t stay_in Rome. | were intended for :— Those spirits of yours Pio Nono can’t stand ; | “Tt was a source of aus regret to him that Englishmen should have disgraced | themselves, as he thought a. had done, on Saturday afternoon, by retaining The spirits ou deal in he calls contraband. | seule while tele wane caadiite te ? There’s only one sort that he thinks genuine ; All others he deems the rete of divine, Sir, I am not the person to advocate want of gallantry, and proper Home, Home, & | behaviour towards ladies. But what I say, is, if they want to have that consideration shown them which they ie been accustomed to Oh! Home, Medium Hom, if you only would get | receive, and still think themselves entitled” to expect+they had better Up some apparit ion like that of Salette, give up Crinoline. Ladies, however, naturally attractive and agreeable, Or cause a onna to wink, Mr. Home, | are not to suppose that they can create interest, and also an obstruction. ; HOME AND ROME. THOUGH pone the Tuileries yield hi Bn pot J Rome, Your spirits and you might continue in Rome. I am, Sir, your obedient Servant, SMELFUNGUS. Home, Home, &c. P.S. Place aux dames is all very well, but I do not like to be thrust of the anew ae the gutter, a Neither eo I — havin : accumulations of the pavement wiped off on my knees, whenever | ride Reilways. in an omnibus, THERE is, we believe, a scheme on foot to form a junction between the | Subterranean Metropolitan and the yo, A Cross-the- Thames Railways. The “Chatham and Dover” having be und a taking titie for adver- 8. T. P. for Cork. —— inne then a Line, in consequence of the route being first| Constperine the wonderful erudition in the sajenee of Divinity dis- thro —— then across the Bridge, will be called, “The Under-and- | played the other day in the House of Commons by the Hon. Member Over for Cork in his remarks about the Athanasian Creed and other subjects therewith connected, we have much pleasure in nominating \ Scuxty Professor of "Theology. TELEGRAM, From Russia.—The Emrrror has purchased a magnificent parrot. z , ; It has already learned to cry, “Scratch a Pole.” Monzy Marxet.—Shares, in Ascension Island Company, going Up. ol eee oe { oe cana

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Jone 11, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 247 cle ing been monstrance with Mr. Hat o i and, accor: to the latter’s statement, behave hi was no rem ¥, for the annoyance thus caused by discord Italian wretch had a ight to remain where he was of his neighbour. Mr. 's ignorance of his duty towards his a very ORGAN-GRINDING AT HIGHBURY. PecuriaR kind of case, one of a class, quite a generic instance of the organ-grind- as seen, came before D’Eyrncourt one day last week. The complain- ant was Meapows Rop of Higtbery New Buk, ai of England, the defendant an Italian i named Vatentine. ‘This fellow had disturbed the ine of a. reverend eman, who is engaged er the translation of several Oriental —_ in so many languages, the front sourt ot the house of an opposite neighbour, a Hais#, who is some- in the a. ene engage play there Ma. wif nly occasioned him to rush into the house offensive cone ty rae, . so great Oe Ce aie. Ce ee ee ee ee eee erie ence’ Nein to be fraaed | that the menenaes experienced a no more kindl _ reception from the party whom he was dispatche to enlighten, than the prophets of old did from those who stoned them, and to whose posterity mes lovers of barrel-organ music appear to belong. The case above epitomised is, as aforesaid, a class case. Who, living in those squares and other regions of London which are inhabited by a. class of civic people, is not familiar with the.ammoyance occasioned by an organ- grinder by a bounceable woman, of tawdry exterior and violent deportment, whose as well as herself, connexions in Houndsdi When remonstrated with by any povtinnes who has the misfortune to live near , on the distmrbaneeeccasioned by his wife’s + sor + becomes ea usive. does recognise sort 0} man as one of a tribe? : P.. , an, Mite, Stes came at your Bill for of the organ. nuisance shall effectually prevent a x ng fom. doing his duty to’ his neighbour in such wise as that duty was done towards the Rev. Mr. Ropwe1. Hard, in a manner that could hardly be sanctioned by the Law of Moszs. Rev. Jonny | man of the Church laying in Hat's Give him Rope Enough. Correspondent of a contemporary says ink that a sunprise may be expected, an Austrian, with one single step, will raise to a tremendous height.” e have no the complainant, There den oe Smitate the last act Tee ie ae ee ee te il ence SKETCHES FROM SOME SCHOOLS. “Tere can be no doubt that the male young of the human species give their elders much trouble. As Mas. Gumacan ReeED asserts nightly :-— ** The Essence of all Bother Is bottled in a Boy.” If we send him toa i school, he is most unreasonably dissatisfied with his treatment, He states, truly enough, that his blanket is taken away on a cold night to warm a bigger lad; that he is perpetually licked with sticks or cricket stumps; that he is tumbled over walls to smuggle forbidden drinks in, is flogged by his senior if he does not go, and by his master if he does; has to lay his hand on the table that hi tyrant may cut at his fingers with the edge of a college cap; that he is brutally kicked ; that he has little sleep and always wakes in a fright ; that six cuts over the calf of his leg with a racket is his senior’s way of hinting displeasure ; that he has to perform the united menial offices of a scullion and a shoeblack; and that after a few months of fagging he is no a for the athletic exercises in which he formerly excelled. This, ladies, and especially mothers, is all proved, and solemnly written down, as evidence taken before Parliamentary Commissioners who were ordered to inquire into our Public School system. You may read it, and much more, which you will not find such pleasant reading as a sensation novel. ell, as we have said, boys complain, and some parents take them out of what the foolish children are pleased to call ‘misery””——some don’t. But when you have taken your troublesome child out of his “ misery,” you must do something with him. You try a Private School. If you are fortunate, that is, if you make proper inquiries, and become acquainted with the master, and do not choose a teacher with less care than you use in choosing a butler, you will probably discover a worthy Buide, hilosopher, and friend for your son; and happily there are madnele of such men, now at work for the England of the Future. But you may as well be careful, or you may have more bother. Last week, at the Bromley Petty Sessions, the Magistrates had to deal with a Mr. Epcar Grennre Smrra, who keeps a private school at Beckenham. The parents of two little boys, one ten, the other eight, placed them with Mr. E. G. Smrru, and as the terms were £150 a-year, the establishment must have been considered respectable. The little boy had been delicate, “and,” said SeRszANT BALLANTINE (corrobo- rated by the mother on oath) :— “‘ The boys were sent to the school on the express understanding that no per- Sonal chastisement was to be administered, their mother having pointed out that the child was delicate and subject to glandular swellings, and it was upon the py wy end of Mr. Surrx that he used persuasion and endeavoured to win the love the boys, and never resorted to personal violence, that she consented to leave her boys under his care, believing that she had found them a home. But the course pursued by the defendant with regard to the younger boy was such as rendered him unfit to have the charge of boys. The boy was set to learn lessons, and because he did not accomplish them to the defendant’s satisfaction, he ‘flew’ upon him, and beat him about the head and face in a most unmerciful manner, by which his nervous system suffered so great a shock that it was some before he recovered. The child’s head, face, and ears were all bruised, and although the assault complained of happened some seventeen days ago, the marks about his head and sae were still visible. Dr. Jarrerson, who was the medical adviser of the family, and who was called in to see the boy, would tell them that if such treatment had been continued it would have been at the risk of the child’s life.” The case was heard at great length and very fairly; counsel’s state- ment was certainly made out, though another bey tried to. soften the case, “ but admitted that Mz. E. G. Surru had told him what to say,” and though a housemaid, called JoweLt—it should have been JewEL— with the most loyal alacrity swore that the child was “even more sprightly and cheerful after the punishment than before.” ‘The is- trates deliberated, and then fined Mz. Encar G. Sarru, Five Pounds. Such are some Public and some Private Schools; and really it is im- possible not to feel irritated at the trouble one has to dispose satisfac- torily of the creature called a Boy. However, as he must have been created for some wise reason, we must try and do our ys! by him, bother as he is; and certainly we scarcely think that duty ed by sending him to Schools, Public or Private, like those which have been illustrated in the Eerie nate or in the case of Mz. Epcar G. Smrra of Beckenham. We are afraid, parents, and especially mothers, that you must really take the trouble of making a good many inquiries before you delegate your duties ; and Mr. Punch, m the interest of the risen po rising generations will aid you so far as he can, by iving you any information he may possess as to where not to send the fatter We want another CowPEr and another TrRocintuM. PUaNcyH. A HERCULES ON THE FIDDLE. Wownperrvt are the words of writers upon music. For instance, see this scrap from a recent report ofa Philharmonic Concert :— | “The next instrumental piece—BrEeTHoven’s violin concerto, a colossus, to apple with which successfully demands no less than the grasp and vigour of a | | on the fiddle—took us into another world.” | A Hercules on the fiddle! That’s rather a strong phrase. _We sup- | pose we next shall hear of a Jupiter on the trombone, or a Mars upon | the drum. And fancy a bit of fiddling that can ony wae a critic “ into another world!” Why it really almost beats Mr. Home and | his accordion. Perhaps the critic when he got there heard the music of the spheres, or Pan upon his pipes playing The Ruler of the Spirits. If | so, he might as well have written a report of the performance.

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[June 11, 1864, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. v/ 174) Wr: anes Vi; Zl a ee NOTHING LIKE DOING IT THOROUGHLY. Mrs. Buncher Greens. “Don’t TALK TO ME ABOUT GOING TO HEPSOM; IT AIN’T A FIT Puack FOR FemaLes. Grvz ME Hascor, In YER OWN CaRRIDGE.” Mr. B. G. “ Witt, I Tet yer wart iT 1s, SaRER—yYOU MUST Cur!” TRIM THE BARRER A BIT, OR YOU'LL NEVER BE IN TIME FOR THE THE ROYAL VISIT TO CAMBRIDGE. Sounp the Crumpets, beat the Drums! Pardon the allusion; I write | this immediately after breakfast. | The Reserves of the A 1 Division of Police, looking, in their new | helmets, like amateur firemen, are forming a line in ‘Trinity Street. They are preventing the crowd—the hoi ‘olloi, as the Public Orator on Deve (clever fellow, the Public Orator!)—from mobbing the Royal | Varriage. - er | Three cheers for the Royal Carriage ! - There is nobody in it. These towering ruffians of the Civil Exeeutive Department—Police- firemen! Why can’t they let the poor people enjoy themselves ? | From a comfortable situation aloft I cheer the crowd. A policeman in po allow a butcher to pass. Butcher grapples with the minion of | the Law. | __ “Don’t stand that, Butcher!” I cry, impulsively, siding with the | Million against the Minion. tag | _ An official calls at the house to remove me for jading the mob to | riot. I explain. My meaning has been misunderstood. I said “ Don’t | stand ¢here/” that is, I meant so to express myself. Perfectly satisfactory. i a0 come into the crowd, and am hustled by greasy vagabonds. A member of the A 1 Division rescues and protects me. Gallant fellows these Policemen! Noble defenders! Worthy lovers of order! I cling to them in the hour of need. I a detest a crowd. Knock that butcher on the head, my “ _ The Prince has bowed one thousand eight hundred and seventy-six times to-day (Thursday). ta! Princess (bless her!) has smiled indefatigably ever since her arrival, P Huzzas! Huzzas! as ALEXANDRA OF DENMARK proceeds gloriously from Trinity College to the Senate House. Not only Huzzas, but the pee: of Manchester’s Light Horse troop also, escort Her Royal ighness. Lime-lights atop of St. Mary’s! Bells ringing! Guns firing! Ball ' at the Fitzwilliam Museum, where all the specimens had a holiday. For several days previous to the Royal. Visit the Stewards of the Ball, and the President and Secretary, with other officials belonging to the A.D.C., had been practising walking backwards, without turning to look behind them, in order that they might be at their ease in receiving Royalty. Flower Shows, Boat Processions, Amateur Performance, up and down the Royal Road, in and out the College, that’s the way the Money goes, Special Services, Dinner Services, whirligig, whizzling excitement. The Trinity Ball is grand: Lighted Cloisters, Tent in the Old, Old Court. The Master—splendid figure—looming in the distance. Arush! It is whispered that The Master is about to dance a fan- dango by himself. He has aaa” ep refused, and is sulking over a strawberry ice in the corner. The report is not even founded on fact. The last light. in Trinity is being put out. , The Visit has been a Great Success. Nothing can exceed the popularity of their H.R.H.s among the University men, past and present. Isn’t it a pleasant thing to see a fine young Prince shaking hands with his old young friends who were “up” in his time? ALBERT Epwakrp, Sir, is to quote the immortal Poet :— * A Jolly Good Fellow, And so say all of us.” Farewell! as Nurse says to little Ticksywicksy when the sugarstick has been judiciously secreted, “ All Gone! All Gone!” [The reader’s kind indulgence is requested for our elated Contri- butor.— £7. ] Public School Commission. Te Public School Commissioners thinking it advisable to reduce all Headmasters’ and Sub-master’s fees, propose amalgamating them- selves under the title of the New Dock Company. Tae Ricut Constante IN THE RicHt Piace.—Policeman K 9 (Canine) at the Islington Dog Show. Whi City of London, Prin: of London.—Sarvnpar, June 11, 1864. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of: Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Boaverie 8 teleiars, ters, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, City of Loadon, and Published by them at No, 85 Fleet Street,in the Pax: fa the Precinct ef of St. Bride, City

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June 18, 1864.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. RATHER BEHIND HIS TIME. Policeman. “ Hapn’r YOU BETTER BE GETTING HOME, Younc Man?” Wanderer. ‘‘Wua’ ror? TERSH'’NT’ERERY AIN'T OVER YET! Y’ KNOW!” LAWSON’S LOST LIQUOR BILL. The Lament of the United Kingdom Alliance. Hap lines, to be refused permission, But to impose a prohibition From drinkin ing spirits, wine, and beer, On other folks! Poor we! Oh dear! Pipe, Ebenezer, pipe thine eye ; Mourn, Salem, Little Bethel, cry Weep, O ye Jumpers, and Ye congregations of Dissent ! Condole with us, ye Sunday Schools, Derided as officious fools, __ We’ve had our Liquor Bill kicked out ; Still to be sold are ale and stout. Content we must, meanwhile, remain Ourselves from liquors to abstain ; Can’t make our neighbours do so too ; How cruel! Whatashame! Boohoo! ent, THE DIGNITY OF THE FRENCH LEGISLATURE. | Wuat a people the French are! The Session of the | Corps Legislatif was closed with a speech from the Presi- dent, the Duc pz Morny. According to telegram :— | “*M. pe Morny’s speech was received with great applause. The deputies then separated with cries of ‘ Vive l'Empereur /’” Fancy Parliament prorogued with the customary speech | from the Throne, read by Lorp Westsury, and then separating with cries of “ Long live the QuzEN!” Only conceive the Eart or DerBy and Fart Russext, Lorps ELLENBOROUGH and GRANVILLE, LorD PatMeRsTON and Mr. Disrasit, Sr Starrorp Nortucore and Mr. Giap- stonE, Sm Gezorce Grey and Sir Jonn PaxrnerTon, Mr. Laxarp, Mr. Bricut, Mr. Bernat Osporne, Mr. Cospen and Mr. Rogsuck, one and all taking leave of each other with that loyal vociferation, and going away for the Parliamentary vacation, shouting and bawling like boys breaking up for the holidays. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. June 6th. Monday. The hero of the week, and of all weeks in which letters are delivered, Srzk Rowtanp Hit, is to receive £20,000 as a resent from the Government, to which directly and indirectly, he will ve presented millions, with advantage and contentment, moreover, to the contributors to the revenue. The gift was recommended, in the Lords to-night, by the Cuanceutor in the name of the Queen. On the followmg Wednesday, in the Sheldonian theatre at Oxford Mr. Punch had the pleasure and glory of seeing his distinguished friend receive the degree of D.C.L., which may, pro hdc vice, be interpreted, Donor of Cheap Letters. _ The nuisance of Park Lane, the narrowest and most dangerous street in civilised London, was assailed by Lorp Lucay, Lorp Matmes- Bury, and the CommanpER-IN-Cuigr. Of course, the authorities shift the responsibility ; somebody says that it is the business of St. George’s vestry, somebody else that it is the Government business, and a third somebody that it is the business of Tuwarrgs, and among them all prone are knocked down and nearly killed, or the traffic is closely locked, fifty times a day. Why not break through Hamilton Place without as any *s leave, and then get an Act of Indemnity ? Are we always to be the slaves to red _ and vested interests? There is a corn-chandler, too, who has the fiendish wickedness and demoniacal effrontery to let carts, containing his goods, be loaded and unloaded at his door, to the hindrance of carriages? Why is he not hanged ? These are specimens of all the arguments on the subject. But some- thing ought to be done, for Mr. Punch himself, who is royal in his love for punctuality, was actually late at a party in Eaton Square last Wednesday, owing to the Park Lane block, and to his having let his outriders go to chapel, _ An interesting conversation on Public School Education’ elicited the important fact that when Wiit1am Lewnox Lasceties FitzgERaLp DE Ros, Baron, was a little boy at school, he was fag to the present ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY, cleaned his shoes, and doesn’t seem to have been much wallegped by his Grace (or the marks have gone away), for Lorp pz Ros C to-night that fagging was a good institution. Mr. Punch declares it to be nothing of the kind, but an institution that makes a weak boy a sneak, and a strong boy a tyrant. The Bisnor or Lonpon, as aso | spoke wisely, deprecated leaving things as they are, and strongly advocated the teaching French. do we; not that French is worth learning, for itself, for it is a wretched language, but as (and possibly by reason of this last fact) the majority of people un- derstand it, French is one of the disagreeable necessities of the time. You do not learn French in order to study = or eloquence, but in order to be able to vituperate French cooks, and assure the various French ladies whom you meet that you have been, for the first time in your life, inspired by each of them with a passion which will be enclosed with you in the tomb. Therefore, we quite agree with the Bishop. Lorp Dery said that Grammar could not be taught at Public Schools. We can’t say how this may be, but it never is. The Archbisho thought that “French ought to be made imperative,” and our frien - eg of the Millions will doubtless concur with the Protestant erarch. There has been a great powder explosion at Corfu, but Lorp Har- TINGTON was happy to say that, as it had occurred since our troops left, it was only Greeks that had been blown up. Lavy Exery, widow of one of the best and ablest noblemen who ever preferred serving his country to living an idle and foolish life, is, most properly, to have a pension of £1000 a year, in testimony of our sense of the merits of her illustrious husband. ‘We trust that she may long | be reminded of a nation’s gratitude. Then we had a lively row. The Conference was the theme, and Mr. DisRaELI made what Pam called “a magnificent display of virtuous | indignation.” He abused the Government for telling nothing, also for having no policy, also for abandoning the policy which Lorp Patmer- sToN had vigorously announced a few weeks back. The PREMIER com- plained of being attacked when he could not defend himself, demanded what policy the Opposition wanted, and refused further explanations. Lorp Rosert Ceci accused him of making an experiment on the patience of the House, and of “4 Denmark under the pretext of serving her. . Kuyetaxe rather agreed, generally, with Disrak1t, but thought the Government might be of an untenable position. ; Then we had a still livelier row. The National Gallery was the theme, and Mr. Cowrer asked for £10,000 towards the erection of a Mr. right in backing out VOL. XLVI. cc

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 18, 1864.

new one at Burlington House—to cost in all £152,000, The most fearful nonsense was profusely talked on all sides, but finally the House | decided that the Academicians should walk, and aste | and Lorp Jomw Manners beat the Government by a large majority, | 174 to 122. | Twesday. Mrz. Carrp made an able speech in favour of his lp er: for the collecting and publishing Agricultural Statistics. The subject is extremely important, and perfectly uninteresting, except to the producers of the nation’s food, and to smart London men, who omthe strength of having taken villas a few miles out of town, cock theireyes in the most profound manner at the fields they pass in the train, and talk about “ poor soil” and “ thin crops” as solemnly as if six months back they knew wheat from barley. Government resisted the propesal, ' and Mr. Carrp beat the Government by 74 to 62. | Wednesday. Mr. Lawson’s Bill for robbing ae man of his beer was—we don’t like arene language, but the | + tongue is: ' when common prayer demands strong action—kicked out by an indignant House, the numbers being, kickers 292, friends of the kieked Bill, 35. That was all right. Mr. Punch bates intoxication as much as he hates tyranny, and will add, that while rejoicing that a partial and oppressive measure has been defeated, he desires to see drunk ness much more severely punished than at present, instead of its bemg | accepted as any sort of extenuation of the crimes it generates. Thursday. Lorn Westsvury has a new plan for giving attorn their due. He promised to explain it at a later date. e deem it to mention that we are opposed to corporal punishments, and t re trust that these will not form part of his scheme. | _ Federal enlistment in this om still annoys sundry Peers, but Lorp Russgeut said that it was effected, not by Mz. Liycoun’s Government, but by a specplators, and sited, consnling. that “only Irishmen could be credulous enough to be so deluded.” Lorp Russett also said, in reference to_the American struggle, that | “he wished the North could see the inconsistency of attenpeng hy war, to prevent five or six millions of their former fellow-subjects from a into action the principle of independence which, on every of July, they met in New England to Y sks. Lixconn , & Davis will to take notice that these are the EaRi’s own words, 1 een to ery of England, and that the report is no forgery. we | Lorp Patmersron stated that, by agreement of Conference, the German b were not to resume their course of crime for a fort- " night after the expiration of the armistice. 5 ‘ n. GuaDsToNE, ever eager for the better collection of taxes, moved ‘on his Bill for making his machinery more effective. It was a deal opposed, but unwisely. If we are to be plundered, at least do not let the plunder be wasted in ¢ransitu. ‘ | The Btreet Music Bill came on for nd Reading, and Mr. Bass showed that the present law was, as Sir Richarp Mayne complained, | wholly inefficient to prevent a cruel nuisance. Sim Rican said that unless a person pon declare that he was actually dying, the police had no power to remove a grinding ruffian who might seek to extort pay from the friends of the sick man. Mr. Lawson said that the publicans chiefly maintain the musicians, as it is good policy to hire the brutes to amuse drinkers into sotting themselves. Here, by the way, licensin Magistrates have a — pull on the Bungs. Mr. Ayrton an ' Mr. AppERLBY supported the Second Reading. — Butt, as might be expected from his name, went on the Bung side, and as might be expected from his antecedents, talked Bosh. So, for a wonder, did | Mr. Guapstonz, who, however, may be justified, if he is bent, as i | would appear, on resting popularity among those whose applause is not usually coveted by educated men. However, his colleague, Sm Gzorcx Grey, who is too proud to stoop for such plaudit, s ke in favour of the repression of a nuisance which especially assails those | on whom Mr. Gnapstone is ever ready to pile taxation, though he will , not help to relieve them from annoyances that do much to prevent their | earning the income he mulets. Sr Ropert Pges also delivered him- self in manly fashion, in favour of the Bill, and ridiculed Mr. Guap- _stone’s crotchet that there was any wish to hinder the people of / amusement, the object being to send the musicians where they are liked, instead of permitting them to get hush money out of the | tormented folks by whom,they are hated. We are happy to add that j anattempt to defeat the Bill was itself defeated by a majority of 37, ; and the Bill was read a Second Time. ; riday. It seems that it is the Danes who will not hear of a longer | armistice than the one above mentioned. They are full of fight, and | they object to the German burglars having time to settle and strengthen themselves in the districts which they have violated. A plan of Lorp Roserr Cxcu’s for saving trouble to the Parlia- | mentary Committees was discussed, but not approved. As if most of | the Parliament men did not privately enjoy the dignity and fuss of | sitting on Committees. Besides, they are an excuse for avoidin flower shows, garden parties, fétes, concerts, and all the rest of the | aflicting follies of fashionable life. Of course, a really interesting debate on the subject of a Gold Coinage . not the Old Masters, : good | 97>. for our Hastern Empire was unattractive. Finally, the House was Counted Out. We ought to add that at the parliamentary pigeo -match at Hornsey, the Qpposition killed more.birds than the ihenals , from hat the Gonservative organs will argue to come into: use much weaker | which fact we have no doubt ¢ light of the dowagers and the donkeys of that Lonp Drrsy arguments for the the Party.

MISCONDUCT TO THE MAYOROF WINDSOR. Bewoxp a prodigy till now unheard ofand A Mayor rep from showing his devetion: tothe A thing ’tis to wide ope the eyes and bristle: The thought of such indignity inflicted:on a ! The Query, returned from Scot qwas:at Windsor Station due, And I went to greet:my Soverei sand liegeman true, As sure I was in duty bound to there : Such, on all:such occasions, is the place ofevrery Mayor.’ We—I and Mr. Alderman, my vol een) Did thither march, Han Masesty wi to:confront ;’ There followed in our retinue a train of ladies ‘fair Who, by aecustomed privilege, accompaniett ‘the Mayor. But when we reached the Station—Iean ‘hardly tellmy tale— I pant, I gasp, [ guich, I choke; my shifled:aecenta and did, the did dare,"] or! ir! H Railway polieemen barred the door,’ Deny me entrance—me, I say—me,, “ Striet orders.from the platform’s:-wiewthe;pablie to:exclude? | Why, fellows, what! We are the Mayomandnot the multitude. Knaves, look at me! How! Don’t you seethe robesand chain I wear?” “You can’t haveno.admission here forialhyou areithe Mayor.” Who ever read, or:heard, or thought, or-dreamtiefench a scene? ' Policemen telling their own Mayor he:ean’t: his Queen ! I if in England monarehy can ever;come te It will f. Jacks im Office stand between it and the Mayor.

A LIFT FOR A LADIES’ SCHOOL. ery true gentleman, Mr. Punch loves the ladies ; and being a | ind, he specially loves such of them as mentally are loveable. Punch’s \ove is vast, and embraces all womanity : but, provided they | be equally devoted and attached to him, he must own that he prefers a | pretty woman who has brains to a pretty one without them. So Mr. Punch is ever ready to encourage with his smile any scheme which tends to show that there are ladies in existence who not merely have brains, but are learning how to use them: and as the Female School of Art appears adapted to this end, Mr. Punch thinks it deserving that he should say a word for it. | “To make this institution permanent and pelt-cupporting,” the Com- mittee say they want more scholars and more school-rooms. Whether the art scholars all wear crinoline or not, the Committee do not state. Haply some of them have brains enough to counsel its rejection; or perhaps it isarule that the scholars hang their hoops up when they enter school, and by sitting with limp skirts, take up.as little space as possible. Be this how it may, the school wants two new class rooms, | and a portion of the building fund is promised by the Government, pro- vided that the rest of it “be raised by other means.” Among al other means, a bazaar is to be held on the Twenty-third of June, and people who like walking in the Gardens at South Kensington had better walk there then. The Prince or WaAtzs is going, and so is the | Princess, and so too is Prixce Puncn. Not a word more need be | said to show that everybody who is anybody, will be present at the Jée, and if you would not be thought a nobody, you had best not keep away from it. | LIKE a man of m SOBER AND DISORDERLY. At a meeting held on Monday last week, in Exeter Hall, under the auspices of the United Kingdom Alliance for the Suppression of the Traflic in Intoxicating Liquors, the first of a string of resolutions in | favour of Mr. Lawson’s now rejected Permissive Bill, having been put by the Chairman, was carried almost but not quite unanimously, “one | unfortunate person near the door,” says the Zimes, “holding up his | hand against it.” Of course you would think that the wretch was | treated by an assembly convened for the purpose of enforcing sobriety | with silent contempt. Oh, dear, no!— “< This was the signal for a tremendo: ifficult, quelled by the Chairman.” veinesniopwineinntneennucunmatd Such, as exhibited by an assembly of agitating teétotallers, is tem- | perance !

wipe

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a ll Ot | Junn 18, 1864] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OY HG 7 i | yao i WA Ws ll if ia \\) WN a a Colossal Old Lady (politely), “You nexpy’t Movs, Sir. I sHaLt soon SHAKE DOWN.” TALLYHO THE ORGAN-GRINDER! Dear Ponca, You know everything. from talking in Chaldee to playing knurr-and-spell (if I could think of anything more difficult I’d mention it), so of course you know that there’s a comic song extant called Tallyho the Grinder! 1 never heard the song myself, and I don’t desire to hear it, for I detest all singing, save the singing of a tea- kettle. Still, I really wish that one of your young poets would just parody this song, and it to the use of those who hate street music. Zallyho the Grinder! would be a famous song to sing while hunting down an organ-man ; and I will give you some idea of how I think it should be sung. I would suggest that the first verse should be written as a solo for the i householder, who, being tortured past endurance by the grinding of a hand-organ, at length rushes forth resolved to tallyho the grinder, and hunt him from the street. A duet might next ensue for him and the policeman, who: he luckily encoun- ters just outside his doorstep, and by a bit of silver suasion gets to join him in the chace. The “ varmint” on stolen away” the chorus, Tallyho the Grinder ! might be sung by all the pack of idle dogs who are about, and who are ever ready to give tongue in a pursuit. When the chorus the burden of the ‘song might be kept up by the policemen, each one in rotation when the beast comes on hi t. Were some such hunting song as this adapted for the sport, the chace of organ-grinders might me a most exciting and most popular pursuit, and our streets might soon be cleared from the varmints that infest them ; for after every hunt, of course, the organ should be broken up and thrown among the pack. some of your young TENNYSONS may carry out my notion, and compose a rattli organ-hunting song, believe me, with much sympathy for all by street musicians, yours constantly, I. Rarvs. _P.S. If a subscription pack be started to hunt down street mu- sicians, IT know a lot of would-be quiet fellows, like myself, who would willingly subscribe to it. Notes and Queries. Query. It might have been the Ettrick Shepherd who said, after sleeping out all night i the Ore - sat cathe Grampians, that they ought to be called PUBLIC SCHOOL COMMISSIONS. Proposed Alterations in The Eton System: to be adopted in 1865; in order to prevent any Boys from “leaving Eton, in such a state of ignorance as reflects no credit upon the School.” 6 a.m.—Rise. Get two propositions of Euclid by heart while washing, and solve two algebraic equations, settled overnigi while dressing. 6'30.—Leave your Dame’s or Tutor’s, and go into school. “Saying lesson,” Viner, Homer, or Ovap. No boy to say less than thirty lines, and oy to be a ge once. He will be permitted to look over the book, if he can, and pees to take the consequences. No to be under one hundred and twenty lines, Greek, or one hun and sixty, Latin. 7'15.~School over. Back to Tutor’s or Dame’s. Pre Lesson, Snes Greeeior Script. Romani, ten for next school. Every word to ‘ out conseientiously, there: being monitors (Harrow fashion) appointed to see that this order is obeyed: while walking from room'to room, monitors:will take their breakfast: _ 8.—Every boy to breakfast in his own room, and while eating, he will, in order to — a es knowledge of art, draw his teapot, rolls, butter; &e. The teapot also draw. 8°10.—Eivery boy will sing a Latin grace, accom ing himself on some musicalinstrument. . 7" 8°15.—Write out a theme in German, on the Political Economy of the C ees, or some such comprehensive subject. 9.—Pupil room. Construe lesson, previously prepared, to tutor. | Forty derivations to be fairly written out by each boy. 9'45.—Drawing Fortifications in the Mathematical School-room. Painting the same. 10°30.—Exercises in French, Italian, Russian and Sclavonic Dialect. 11.—School. Construe_lesson prepared at 7°15. 11°45.—Out of school. Playtime, except for boys who have to write | out punishments, be flogged, or have to fag for upper boys. Cricket , for a quarter of an hour. Boating for a quarter of an hour. Five | minutes being allowed to get to the river from the playing fields. While fagging out, each boy will be learning a passage of BoumnGBKOKE, Bourxe, SHexrpan or Bacon, as his tutor may see fit. 12°20.—Going in to prepare Greek Grammar for three o’clock school. 12'35.—Singing Lesson in Upper School. 12'45.—Pupil-room. Take down “sense for verses,” and commence working at them. 2.—Absence. Attend in the School yard to answer to your names. a in ra except for those boys who have to write out punish- ments. 2°30.—Prepare Lesson for five o’clock school. 3.—School. Lesson prepared at 12°20. 3°45.—Prepare Lesson for six o’clock school next day. 4:30.—Pupil-room. English Composition. Writing from dictation ; unless writing out punishments. 5°15.—School. Take in Lesson prepared at 2°30. 6.—Tea, to be taken during a Lecture on Natural Science, open to all boys who are not writing out Fa ae cat given at five, or finishing others which have been increased in consequence of not having been shown up in due time. 6°30.—Prepare “ Private PBusiness” for tutor. 7.—Private Business in tutor’s Pupil-room. 8.—Take down “sense” for, and work at, Greek Iambics, under the supervision of tutor. 9.—Chemistry. Botany. Astronomy. Geology. Write out’ and learn questions and answers on all three subjects. 10.—Bed. Or write out punishments given by tutor, or finish any other extra work. The Boys, as parties chiefly interested, are now forming themselves into a Committee to take the above proposed alterations into serious consideration. TELEGRAM, Slough, Wednesday; June 15th, 10 a.m. Proposal negatived by 600 to 1. Latest. Slough, Wednesday, June 15th, 10°15 a.m. The minority has been kicked: He now votes with the majority. They have no power to unkick him. The sihcsdlaes terminated with a vote of thanks to Lorp STANHOPE.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 18, 1864, moe iN yo Y Mi “Mp ; 7 = : | VIM Yn a eZ ff AT D | @ Wad Mh h é y gh th ao ww => IEE Zo Te Inquiring Youth. “Pizasz, Mamma, wy 1s Uncix’s Hors caLLeD a CoB?” Mamma. ;“ Ou, MY DEAR! BECAUSE—BECAUSE—WHY BECAUSE HE HAS A THICK BODY AND SHORT LEGS!” Inquiring Youth. “ Wat, Like you, Mamma?” POLICE CASE EXTRAORDINARY. PROCEEDINGS ON REMAND, BEFORE MR. BULL. (From our own Reporter). Tue two disreputable foreigners, Francis-JosepH CHARLES Haps- BURG, and FrepERICK-WILLIAM Louis HoHENZOLLERN,* were brought up on remand on the charge of assault and highway. robbery witi violence, preferred against them by a weakly and undersized Dane, Curistian GiucksBourc. Welhave already described the deplorable condition of the Complainant. He appe somewhat recovered from the effects of the ruffianly treatment which he had experienced from the Prisoners, though he was still unable to move without crutches, and complained of severe internal injuries, causing serious intestinal derange- ment. His face showed several ghastly scars, and his right arm was still bandaged. His doctors are unders to. have recommended amputation, but to this the sufferer very naturally objects. In answer to the worthy|Magistrate’s inquiries, Complainant said that “he still felt very weak and ill; doubted if he should ever get over the ill-treatment of the Prisoners, but hadn’t lost his pluck for allthat. If he couldn’t get back the property that had been taken from him, and obtain security against future violence, he’d stick to the prosecution, Som it cost him the coat off his back and the shoes off his feet. He had been violently threatened by the Prisoners’ associates since the former proceedings in this Court. They wished him to compromise the case and make an p= with the Prisoners, leaving the plunder in their hands, and declared if he refused to to this, they ae yt ae life. But he was determined to have his rights—if he ed for it. The plucky manner in which the Complainant expressed this deter- mination, in spite of the contrast between his weakly and disabled appearance, and the embodiment of brute force in the brawny, hulking risoners, produced a burst of applause in the Court, which was instantly suppressed by the worthy Magistrate, who said that “ much * See our “ Police Report Extraordinary,” page 210. as he admired pluck—and certainly the Complainant appeared a person of great courage—this was a Court of Justice, in which such expressions of feeling could not be tolerated.” He wished to know whether, since he had remanded the case, the Complainant had been able to come to any fair terms with the Prisoners. He could not approve of anything like compounding of felony ; but here there certainly had been some dispute about title, which just removed the case from the category of ordinary highway robbery with violence, and justified a remand with a view to arrange- ment between the parties. GtucKssoure said that he had not been able to come to any terms. The Prisoners’ agents had been. in occupation of the house, which formed part of the property in dispute, ever since the assault upon him, and had been eating and drinking, as he understood, in the most wasteful and-expensive manner, at his expense; they had killed his cows, calves, sheep, pigs, and fowls; broken into his vo hy and smoked his tobacco. - Then they had kissed his maid-servants repeatedly. . . . The worthy Magistrate inquired if the maid-servants had lodged any complaint of that abominable outrage. GLucKsBouRG said he was not aware that they had actually applied for warrants against the offenders, but they were understood to have complained .... they did not like being kissed . . .. not by the Prisoners’ men; they were plain, wore beards, smelt strong of tobacco and garlic, and had an objection to soap and water . . . . in fact, they were pigs, hounds, and schelmen ts German term of abuse and conten as we understood from M. Apert, the intelligent inter- preter). The Prisoners here interposed, and asked if this sort of language was to be permitted It was very painful to their feelings. The worthy Magistrate said (severely) he should have had more consideration for the Prisoners’ feelings if they had had a little more consideration ‘for the Complainant’s bones and pockets. (Laughter in Court, in which the Complainant joined.) Still, he would recommend the Complainant to avoid abusive language. ! Complainant said he did not complain so much of their kissing the maids, nor even of the havoc they had made in his larder and cellar, as

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y fe eee Wy =BS QQ GG Xs J ~SS |} 2S - SSSS NS _ — -=N HALF A LOAF’S BETTER THAN NO BREAD, YOU KNOW!” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Junz 18, 1864. THE BEADLE AND THE DANE. Mr. Russett. “BETTER TAKE IT! ee ——S 7 = ——— ~ ~— ly Mii SS ({( 3 = i ie = ——- Ss "ee Se S|) —- we |] sty oot pre Bade nw hk wee oO o wxseor2s “iam %

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> Sons 18, 1864. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 255 occupation of the property. They had absolutely | hie oaiiienal poh ¢ oy te was their intention to remain in -m —p = yf the European ms Pelee. Been to know if pal wih He had —* Insrecton RvssELL to Seana the Prisoners’ make ) a he then he had au a representation—several done nothing but make representations for | had be rot without effec they were representations in vere Oe etech: he gould ‘be lad to read to tek peeiseline at hone ene. in wri e went on in TSsOns a loyed in a Police imi ag less with 4 bulls’-eyes, truncheons, and characters and notorious offenders. say as to the reception of his representations bac very pleasant | ro i, Poe aoa paling om if the trate would im, he would a ae essere: some t t+ GLUCKSBOURG. ae fn aint Lens that they were the iilesed of men: a declaration which called le burst of hissing and hooting among the crowd in in vain endeavoured to suppress. aaeeremetag about a Cross—about the sted against such an insinuation. Prisoners to give up a consid ; in which case he thought they were not ion of the remainder. Considered to make yo suggestions—in writing of course ; Geeeiient, but did't mean to . Hoped the Magistrate was satisfied of that, and approved of = he done. The worthy Magistrate said that might have been all well before the Prisoners had committed such a brutal assault. But he cect om, had in ‘his duty, in not A y: he been appealed i” have promised it. ' He wished to know ‘by the Complainant, and said he 80 CO! did not wish to go into not prevented the assault ? said he had ileal: sa wan tei his small ‘force at mig the row cepeead i — and with found same tim wattage | or other- be the worse for ent near her attentions. rt, and THE PUBLIC TIME. (du After-Dinner Letter.) O ~~ Puncn, just come ep ME Green- wich, and write this while I think of it. Bother sto that. — a clss dinner at the Ship and wishyoud- beenthre. word thatlooks. ? on ooh 5 Nevrmind I "shall get nother fler to write, this. for me as pen " sobad | 228 . « and can’t write _ S pen know.;,!?. never mind sto - PPSI sf lots * stops, Be *em where you Jolly good filer. Who? + know. ' — —_ SN at was going ; » “te, fe eee nLatseo, No Lets pe another hand.) Sir, at this t my friend decane = his pen and me to pt you being wasted on the Greenwich Line, Sn rong every quarter of an missing five minutes? that is, of the | first- | 2€ver mind stops. Going to dine gain Gridge come missing quarter in each hour? or roundly, of the missing sixty quarters, » — twenty-four hours, I pi sixty-four pie ns in every -_ not ne he calculation *tis too late to sto it now. But coal pre mend or there WAS & Sona Weal. of e Somewhere. Yours a, HYTE BATEs. (In same hand as the first.) P.S. Jolly fler wrote this. unstands what Hoorray ? ; ! : e at Gridge? # | Nevermistops. *.* The rest of this important corresponilence is, we regret to say, utterly Megitle. i THE DESERTS OF ARMY DOCTORS. that there is a dearth of S inthe Dems, particulsey im the Indian brane of No Assistant Surgeon has gazetted for the Indian service since 1861, Such is the statement tat * in the Morning Post, and according to “A S Wihesnn.J in the same paper, overnment has adopted a 2 singular I my oe = surgeon-famine amongst Her Majesty’s mia in * The and allowances have always hitherto been £1,200 a-year, wre ogee po tho eprom cen Regma! Sarre As we tell the plundered Danes, ie beh ta better than no bread, and £800 to £1,200 is as more than half a loaf, according ‘to Cooxer. or CoLENso, who is an authority at any rate on this sort of numbers. But the ex: rng ot ie heen with out of an income of £800; so that there A SuFFERER’s ™ remark that :-— ** After this, if medical men can still fi PB am Sg be wiutirhe exter tinting, then, I say Certainly they do; and very much more. im mm Mr. Base’s Bill. For the removal of Street‘ Nuisances, we do not want the a it Stands ;” but we require it'to See put in “motion against all Organ enw hee and other unmusical with one great sweeping order *€ Move on!”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ee [June 18, 1864, | 4 ; Nig ee. X + = ge LATEST FROM ASCOT. Cad. “I say, CrusHer! szzn our Kzrrince?” Inspector. “‘ No, I arn't ; BUT MINE’S JUST ROUND THE CORNER, AND I SHALL GIVE [Cads shut up, and exewnt. You a Lirr uP TO Town BEForRE Nicut, I pessay.” ye sp pi s sow U Se ARCADIA ON THE SURREY SIDE. You have heard of a rus in urbe; did you ever hear of a rusin municipio? If not, you will apprehend a novelty in hearing that the Borough of Southwark is a municipium in which there is a rus, or rather wherein there are rura, For a vacancy has occurred in the rural deanery of South- wark, and the Bisnor or WincHESTER has divided it into three rural deaneries ; now, to enable him to do this, the rurality of Southwark should be spacious. So much 80, in fact, is it,as to have enabled Dr. Sumyzr, out of the ori: rural deanery of Southwark, to constitute the new rural deaneries of Lambeth, Southwark, and Streatham. The last named rural deanery may be somewhat rural in a Sy -> bucolic, and § apne sense, but what extent of pastoral a scenery, and how many shepherds. and shepherdesses, or herdsmen, except drovers and swains of that sort, are to be found about the New Cut, or the vicinity of Mussns. BaRcLay AND Perxuys’s Brewery ? OCCASIONAL POETRY. BY A SMALL HOUSEHOLDER. Composed on an Alteration made on the Premises. My Landlord he haye sunk the well Beneath my scullery floor : The water-rate they can’t compel Me for to pay no more. When the Collector calls, to claim . The payment of his due, I wish as he may get the same. He ’s werry likely to! For now I’ve got the means to wipe Ana they, i they outs off our gi ey, if they cuts off our pipe, May do i it, and be blowed ! PRovERBIAL PaitosopHy.—Thereis no place like Home. Fallacious. If your home be in a row of houses, it is — that the homes of your neighbours will be very e yours. OUR OWN ON OXFORD. [We are bound to say that nothing but the absolute fitness of pub! sort of account of the Oxford Commemoration should induce us to insert lowing wild narrative. W: distracted as a gentleman whom we transcended Bd. Punch.) Here we go round the Mulberry Bush, the Mulberry Bush, the Mul- berry Bush—difficult e, this Lancers, with the great rotatory figure—set to her, O, ah, thanks—hope I didn’t tread upon your dress— yes, awfully jolly, and not so hot as a ball-room usually is—ha! ha! we notice these things when we get to five or six-and-thirty—now you are not to laugh, Miss AMARANTH, use I am all that, and I remember the Quzgn’s Coronation distinctly— band that of J ULLIEN’S, isn’t it? That’s Here’s to the Maiden of Bashful Fifteen—not many of them here, are there—severe, no, how can you say so? Two or three widows of fifty, though,—well, it’s J sled fault, putting the words in my head, I didn’t make them. Can I make songs—ah, under some inspira- tion, perhaps—now, ladies, all round us—here we go round the Mulberry Bush. the Mulberry Bush, the Mulberry Bush. You can’t think how pretty ene os bee be ery og? we rh deep oo curtsey. idn’t I stay in the gallery, then, i it so much ? Because I liked better to be down here, dancing with somebody who doesn’t appreciate my feelings. Let’s go and have some ice. Not yet, very well. That—yes, that is Lory Morn. Looks as pleasant as his name? Very neat—I’ll tell him what you say. How well the Masons look to-night with their collars and stars and badges? Am I a Mason—of course I am, and your Brother, so you may tell me any- thing. Will I tell you the secret—well, I might be induced to do that, but not while I am unappreciated. Pretty—no, but her hair is, and the flowers are ve: Not flowers—O—I thought they were—no, it does not show how little notice I take of the ladies, but how much } take of one of them—that’s the Duxe or THREE- DUKES, me young fellow—no, I didn’t say it slightingly, but at two or three-and-thirty one thinks such young fellows mere boys. some fol- That’s a Knight Templar, with the white mantie and red cross on it. Yes, a ve ndsome Why don’t I have one? Because I have only chambers in the Temple. But I will, if——. Don’t let’s dance this square dance, but have some ice. Engaged, never mind, he won’t find You, and he’s no loss. How do I know that—why, didn’t I hear him begin to talk about the weather? Didn’t understand, didn’t I, and perhaps he meant something about to-morrow and St. John’s ens—artful little man. Not so little? Yes, he is, and you shouldn’t dance with the pigmies. Pleasanter for waltzing, O? As if qe cared about the mere dancing. Care very much indeed, do you. hen you are happy in your present partner. Auburn, indeed, she’s red ; r, e, d, three letters, no less and no more. That slight, melan- choly-looking man? That’s Mr. Ericorvs Roruxpus, the author and moralist, but he is not, I believe, so unhappy as he looks. His novels are charming? Glad you think 80, indeed we seem to think alike on most subjects. Not to flatter myself? May I flatter you? No, I don’t think I could—one never flatters when—. looking at us as if you ought to sit down—not the least, you don’t understand the expression in her eye, it means go and take some refreshment. You must be obedient ? Of course you must. Strawberry, vanille, lemon, which I shall get you? Here’sachair. A wafer? Give me a piece and I will keep it as a consecrated wafer. No harm in that, I’m sure. A little more out of the draught. The procession of boats, yes, I saw it, and the crew that capsized on purpose—very good-natured to make fun for us, but that sort of thing would not be in my way. Yes, I was at the New Ons flower-show, and looked for you everywhere. Couldn’t have looked long? Two hours at least. Beauty? Yes, certainly, a great deal. Where? Well, in the flowers. Do you know your Mamma has asked me to lunch after Commemoration to-morrow ? Asks all sorts of people, does she? I am coming, though, for all that. You are going with y Swansnest somewhere else? You can’t break my heart that way, because she’s going away in the morning, for Buancue Crenet told me so. I have a good deal of Miss Cyenet’s confidence? Well, she has a little to spare, you know. Haven’t told you the Masons’ secret? Let me tell you another first. Square dance over? Never mind. But youdo mind? Then we’ll go

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Jone 18, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 257 back, but I take you in to supper, and I have numbers 13, 15, and 17, | miscellaneous mass of masculine humanity filled the pit. The cheers yes, look at your card, and you ‘ll be at St. John’s to-morrow. Answer | and jokes of the students occupied an hour, and then the organ™ spoke all that ?—yes, and something else—— -, | —— ay ae the et doors seeneh. my lane bode go : P rou e crowd, an a rocession 0! ms en! an [There are five sides more of this nonsense, which means,—we conceive after some | ascended to the seats of dignity, the Vie Caswomizce himself taking f the absurdity which he has written, but if he did, we beg to | the chair of Lonp Dersy. Small reverence age ono blooded yout iy that five or atz-end-thirty, which se Se a to | of England, on this day, for those dread Dons, and was poured out Do oncaaieal attece, whisk, Lo pleased to call lamsenese, but | ike hail. ‘The Vice-Cuancetior vainly tried to be heard, and looked know is treated with colchicum.—#d. Punch.] rather more angry than was necessary. But the forms were observed, ‘ and at length the red-gowned candidates (we do not forget the ticle for Old P. [unch). Oxford handsomest place| meaning of idatus) for the honours of the day were intro- in Gardens glorious. Buy a Guide, they are capital.| duced. A tall and tales BERESFORD, Archbishop, a closely shaven Fudge up the architecture and all that. Bunezss is 5s, to do} and gentlemanly Freneh historian, Tarerry, the thoughtful presence oreester Chapel, Miiiais to design stained windows. Use the word | of AnrHur Hers, were noted with approbation, Ireland was honoured Carfax, it sounds well, and mem., the bishops weren’t martyred where | in Lorp Bannon, and Money in Lorp Ovgrstowz. Put the cheers h nor yet where the mark is in the street, but in the old | of the undergraduates were few, and somewhat cynical, until one Wren the theatre. University don’t mean college, but.|man ascended, and stood by Travers Twiss. As soon as the name all the colleges make University. Responsions is the same as little go. | was known, a shout arose that might almost have been heard at the Say go down when you mean go away from Oxford. Say Maudlin, and’ General Post Office. Sir Rowzanp Hiwt to receive his crownin haps tell story of man reading it so in second lesson in chapel. | honour—the Man of Letters in He ing. i em., Bath chairs for sixpence, used instead of cabs. Don’t | agai he cheering, in a storm believe there ’s a good sold in Oxford—all the men who know get | graduates known that an earnest and from town. Beestly railway entrance to O, write blazingly about the around it,on the View beautiful coach entrance over bridge. Torpids mean second boats. | had come to see his Welsh, mem. leeks. Speak of Show Sunday, alk, dressed no end. Get some bits of Latin out [Our correspondent, evidently under some influences, has enclosed techey, Bane what is probably an clgantly weit paper, now, of course, | [Cordially approved. 0 si sic omnia / We have only toadd that our useless, only paragraph which he has forwarded is as ws.—Bd. Punch.] Ser eee eee oy ae Olen 1s ae ae have himself off to John’s to the The merry und uates had early crowded the upper gallery of Pigiarol, nid somewhat later, to have sorely depart in company Sr CHRisToPHER’s theatre, and their shouts could be heard 2 long before you reached the famous edifice. Entering, you beheld a a tity te brillant array of Jadiesin what may be called the dress circle, while a) stances.—Bd. Punch.] CECIL AGAINST PALMERSTON. pone birt of belo oo o s op B aan ~ only so = uestions tending to hinder the ic service, in the hope of damagi “| the Government which they wish to supplant, but a never cab common cause with a Liberal placehunter who does ask questions of | that kind from displeasure at being out of place. “ What stronger | breastplate than a heart untainted?” The statesman, who feels that | 2! under his ribs, is thrice armed, or rather. four ti for around his | . breast there are robur et es triplex ; not the robur, British oak, the | sition to her Maj _| symbol of Conservative pe ge but sthe @s oe which | ment, shine out wit ling bril- | 8PPears to fortify the brow if not the bosom of Lorn R. Ceor. liancy in the subjoined remarks reported as those of Lorp R. Crcm. on a reply by Lonp Pat- DRAMATIC JUSTICE TO IRELAND. MERSTON to a question from. MR.} 47, Poxcu,—Sm, ee ee War does not Mn. Fxcurer restore that effective scene in : | Hamlet, in which occurs the celebrated speech beginning with :— ms “ Now I might do it, Pat; now he is praying!” Which would give him the opportunity of introducing an Irishman, in P eee ee ee oda pores, and would be considered a mighty great compliment by the sons of Good luck to you, Sir. I am, your continual reader, ENNIS. P.S. I’m thinking the Irishman might be a Souper. Paulo Post Futurum. Tue Moniteur, in an announcement relative to the insurrection in would | Algeria, says :— “GeweraL Dewrony foresees the time approaching when the insurrectionists will be obliged to disperse.” Does he? Then GeweRaL Dericny does not see that the time when ‘the insurrectionists will have to disperse has as yet arrived. The irony of the Moniteur is reassuring. sea ; Latest from Longchamps. is plai ing, as plain as speaking can be to be parliamentary. : : 1 pat a akg Brey | mn om ah in th eget hat th Eran ora, err might, ite language not * = too strong to be applicable, be called that apparently from the fact that his Imperial Majesty has lately taken a But how can oe a i express our admiration for a statesman, great interest in the study of é whether — ing or risen, whose conscience will permit him, and whose . sapallaieg the sightoes thaon aed hia ove Paucanrox, 3 mia!” Wass asap iabemenieniociubet is country’s faith and honour, to.a HAT is which des a town a base desire to retain office P course the statesman who can dare to Canonisation, ve ; of the Session. (Cheers, and cries of ‘Qh!'),"

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jonze 18, 1864, EXTENSION MOTIONS. : “ Hat THE worD ‘Tow’ HINCLINE THE:BoDY FORWARD, HUNTIL THE Fincers TOUCHES THE TORS, KEEPIN’ THE "ED BETWEEN THE Harms. Tow!!!” [Foreigner of distinction; who is witnessing our Volunteer Drill, is under the impression that he is receiving a general salute. A YORKSHIRE SHEPHERD. Amonest contemporary events which ought to be commemorated, may be noticed the retirement from the service of his employers, of a This is Mr..E., Saerwern, six years then thirty-two ‘Governor of the West punt of the e of his health. the-Silent System iat the prison discipline the: silent system has made much noise, to whom the country is indebted for ‘Prison, as conducted by Mx. £7000 per annum. He has as a House of Correction z in cocoa-nut fibre. The sum of £7000 a-year is somewhat to the results of unpro- ductive labour, isn’t it? Mrz. SHEPHERD eas Neo satablished » coeennetal Retermatery Insti- tution, an “ Industrial Home,” in the neighbourhood of the Wakefield Prison. It pays its own and has 300 reformed Mz. whom he has served so long, they ves the honour to refer to the Visiting Justices “ the } of pension to be ted to Mr. SHEPHERD to SEA: Sy ee 0 ie es Ww is Oo remar that the liberality which handsomely remunerates long and faithful services is particularly creditable to those who are themselves the ** Great Unpaid.” SHAKSPEARIAN AND GHOSTLY, New Reading from SHaksPEaRE by Proressorn PEPPER :-— “Ig that Dracxs that I see before me?” PEACE OFFERINGS AT THE PALACE. THERE are so many pretty things to look at in the Palace that, even if you were an Argus; you, with all your Roce gaol might miss seeing one half of them when you-s an afternoon there. Some of the prettiest things, however, you wi in the Art-Union Court and if you havenot seen them you had better go next Saturday, and get presented at this court, for which, you may as well be warned, a court suit is not necessary, You-will find the Prince or Waxes and his Princess at. the court, and when you leave it, if you like, you may put them in your pocket. To this pri , however, you will only: be —_ by Dedoasiag a is sgn to the Cry Palace Art Union, w you may do by merely paying one, two, three, or five eas as may suit your income and your inclination. Besides the Primo and Frigems, ou will abe : a - pat Bay carey in your pocket, if four.guineas be paid; and-as he (a E alace) is only thirteen inches high, his presence in your bee will not much incommode you. If you wi 4 mobs, your wife maps for her oss, em 4 . rby Day, you perhaps may expedient), you w find in this Art Union many articles of vertu which will atone for. any vice you may, in her opinion, have committed on that day. Moreover, for each guinea you subscribe you get a chance of ae oe in the Prize Distribution ; and if you chance to have been born beneat: a lucky star, you may get a prize of very much more value than you ever i od. at school. So, after the next concert, go and be presented at the Art-Union Court; and when you have a your wife and ie her drawing-room, be grateful to your A for teaching you ow to do so. . Sir James Wilde’s Last. Waaris the difference between a Correspondent and a Co-respondent? One is a gentleman what does write, the other is a gentleman what does wrong. Aw Examrte or ALLrreraTion.—Guapstone and Grinding Organs. Printed by ,of No. 13, U; Woburn Place, in'the Parish of St. Pancras, in the Count Wiliam of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie 8 in the Preeine? of Wh itefriars, Ci pal Lowhsas Printers, 2X thai Omics te Lashed Steere in che Precinct at Whitetriars, City of London, and Published by them at Ne. 85, Fleet Breet, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of Ucolen Aaseane®, June 18, 1864, * | Sa eS RP Es Se eee ee ton

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June 25, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 259

MISTAKEN IDENTITY. INTENSE DELIGHT OF LittLe Montacue Hourkins aT HEARING A 5555 TELL a CoUNTRY PARTY THAT THAT GENT CROSSING THE COURSE WITH THE WHITE Hart AND CigaR IN HIS HAND IS THE CELEBRATED SporTiInG Perr, Lonp—— [N.B. That Nobleman’s shadow occupies the foreground of the picture.

ron Peo OO oe Bee O&O ore

PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. JunE 13th. Monday. We like the persistence of the Yorkshire men, who are not inclined to say die about the removal of the Assizes to dirty, smoky, crowdy Leeds. It is true that the Order in Council has been made, that Jupezs 'Biack- BURN and Keatine have made an appointment for interviews with gentlemen who are to come under the unfavourable notice of twelve of their countrymen,’ and that the Leeds folk have been artfully incurring expenses to prepare Courts, in order to be able to talk about good faith and all that. The sturdy men who desire that Wakefield should be the place don’t care for all this, they have a good case which they should have been prompter to press) and Lorp WHarncuirre fought heir battle to-night in the Lords, carrying, by 80 to 54, an address for recon- sidering the decision, and Mr. Estcourt has given notice of a similar motion in the Commons. At the end of the week the QuEEN sent word that the above appointment must stand, but that the subject was quite open to re-consideration as regards subsequent Assizes. Now, Yorkshire, stick to your work. More Public Schools talk in the Lords, and it appears that Lorp GRranviLuz, one of the merits of some of the Christ Church men, let out something which one of the Examiners writes to say his Lordship had no right to tell, and also told y. Later inthe week the Bill, on which so much has been said, passed, after an eulogium by Lorp Srratrorp pe Repcuirre on the English Schools. We dare say that eer are better than those in Turkey, though the Turks do not torture little boys, nor take away their blankets on a cold night, to warm bigger boys. Lorp Stratrorp pE Repcwirrs states that these Schools form character. This is a safe statement, as proof and disproof are alike impossible, and we must accept the declaration that the Public Boys are like the Welshman’s Owl, and that if they can’t talk (especially French) they are beggars to think. A Bill about fishing at Herne Bay was read a Second Time in the Commons. We have not seen this measure, but hope that it does not Freee to interdict the amusement of to catch white salmon from off the ng ge because, a8 one never catches anything but cold and chaff, it is hard to say that vested in- rests are injured iy process. Has the one policeman been examined. If not, we shall have the Bill sent to a Select Committee, for the sake of the tradesmen br let _ lease the most remarkable fishing-rods that ever amused the congregation ie ny.

Government, having been compelled to keep the present National Gallery, means to make us feel what we have been about. Mr. CowPEr sg * ten to enlarge the place at an expense of £300,000. Moreover, he will not say that he intends to give the micians immediate notice to quit. We are open to a bet that unless the Ministry go out, the Lion-column will be finished long before the improved Gal- lery, and that all complaints will be met by a taunt about Burlington House. ‘The official mind is obstinate and — spiteful. Three times this week has Lornp Patmerston declared, with emphasis, that he knew nothing about what was going on in the Conference. Once he answered, tartly, that he was not a member of that body, and therefore could give no information. It is rumoured that he is discontented with the non-proceedings, but we shall hear all about it some time or other. The House takes his replies very good-humouredly, We had a debate on the case of Azeem Jan, who claims the title of Nawab of the Carnatic. We have some idea what the last word means, because a poet (the poets are Las best embalmers) once told us to beware of Russia, an ** By Allah the Awful, if late by a sun, The Carnatic will stable the steeds of the Don.” But about his Highest, Jax, who is alleged to have been wronged by the Kast India Company, we own to having known little until Mr. Smotzert recited his History. Mr. Lowe said that the Nawabs had been traitors, and though our transactions had not been such as we {eed to be par- ticularly proud of, there was no use in reviving such stories, and so thought the House. We had, however, some sharp words, for the Attorney-General had been rude enough to laugh, and no Member of the Government had spoken. Sr Rovnpe.t, (who is not a laughing man, but may have been put into a merry mood . e certain task which he was daily performing, that of editing a Family Library edition of some difficult love-letters, for the Peers of England) explained his laugh, and Pam said that Minis- ters would not reply in debate, if they are not allowed to finish discussions, instead of being replied upon. This must have amused Mr, DisRaz1t. We guaranteed a New Zealand loan, and were told that GENERAL CAMERON was pounding Sir CannzsaL Tattoo in great style. Tuesday. The Lords united in a tribute of praise to Sm RowLanD and in the grant of £20,000 to that illus- trious D.C.L. orp BrovucHam spoke out warmly touch- ing the incalculable advantages which the middle and lower classes had derived from the facilities afforded for correspondence. The upper classes are not much of the “writing sort,” as Mr. CaRtyLe says, but education and reformed public schools will in time make those classes also aware of the utility of letters. Many thousands of children are overworked, but other- wise shamefully neglected, in various Factories, and an excellent Bill, tor brmging the poor little creatures under the provisions of the Facto cts, was read a Second Time. Its chief promoter is Mr. Austin Henry Bruce, Under-Secretary for the Home Department, and the chil- dren should be told the name of this worthy Welshman. Mr. Darsy GrirritHs does not see why the Post- master-General should be a Peer. Nor does Mr. Punch, and he intends to be in his place when Mr. Grirritus extorts from some Minister the red tape reasons for the existing custom. ; An facome-Tax debate arose, Mz. Husparp, the inde- fatigable, once more attacking the present unjust and cruel tax. His objections to it are, however, somewhat better than the system he would substitute, and of course Mr. GLapsTONE was ready with a reply. Mr. Bovixt said— and let it be recorded to his honour—that “ nothing could justify taxing (flesh and blood, braius and intellect, at the same rate as realised property.” Mn. Hupparp expressed his confidence in the ultimate triumph of the principles he advocated. They will triumph some day, but not until millions of money shall have been wickedly exacted from the class which, from its love of industry and order, is the easy victim of clumsy financiers, But some day the middle class will put out its strength, and then terrified Chan- cellors of Exchequer will begin disgorging like leeches when you salt them. : ; Writ Then we debated on Irish Education. Protestantism is indignant at the support given to Conventual schools. But

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t to tlie best school; ad is the case where a oe is better tha none at all. as as it is; atid & Mn. O’Haean well said, ié or itt the spirit of a rinaire. disaster at Sheffield. But wete there any tten, the wy ees people are resolved that rémember it, for they ate Se obtalaing leave from the water upon thé inhabitants of the ent seems a cool one; 80 far as we can under- poe it, but ee She od has no objection, it is not for us to make any.; Wednesday *¥ aré forfeit to the Crown. Mx. C. FoRster the sys fous, inasmuch as My punishes the innocent. ELL — was not for doing it entire aeay, as felons often acquire perty by dishonest ne, and the Crow has now the h power 0 teat fing seed to the owners. as a rich man had facilities for evading justice, he ought to be restfain -_ ~ by the reflection that if convicted he would be hanging & man was almost eh += thought that oor a Mr, Fonsrer’s Bill was read a Second Time Thursday. Some time this Session we are to have the Lords’ Report on thé system of over-working Milliners such creatures can wait, though their anya customers can’t. A good h in the Commene, Pees re rf to fetch away the troops who fare beta engaged in the tee War. But there was a frightful story told next night, and a ene, which red tape ht much moré fers nearly followed. is to be said the blatant 3, who burst on the Com- mons to-night with } a his choicest otations against the Charity Inspectors? Theré was much truth, of the most disagreeable kin what he said, and no doubt the Whigs have grabbed all the patro oni in the most unblushing manner, and the antecedents of some of folks whom they have “4 are “ brilliant. That was just the sort of case for Mr. he revelled in it. The Minis ee Se Set oe eee po = heey, p SS th Dn, Fane guage was so offerisive ere CO no acceding to h is propo- sition, aid Ma.J. A. Sure poh the House that in 1844 the Commons branded Mr. Ferranp with a charge of calumny. By 116 to 40 his motion was rejected. But if some gentleman woul bring the matter on, the result might be different. Then we had a long Supply debate, and some good fun about the fort - Ovo RussEL Tee privately talks to his Holiness about because, as we not receive an ecclesiastical envoy— dup iter “Lamon Gn why !—we cannot have ar relations with Rome), Lorp Panwerston defended the tone that had been taken, - tenes the House was in a merry humour.” Why should it not be per 2 when voting away thousands of sovereigns? The Moniteur, ing of . RENAN, Says that “ men of intellect always —n irri- tation en you talk to them of so low a thing as money.” The House of Commons was not irritated, Hoe ad the subject was much pressed ‘iite it, but wé would by ho means draw ah impertinent conclusion. Friday. The small trader (who has @ vote) is too strong, at present, for the working man, and the CuaNeRLtor has withdrawn his County Courts Bill, for the a ier of the latter, as he believed that the measure would not in the Commons. RD mepewey, with a view to omverhe in behalf of Denmark, dematided whether our fleet were once to the blockade of the German ports and the defence oe anish islands Lorp Russwut, guarding himself in a Els eyeg said eg the fleet was for serviee it might be der. Lorp Dersy that if the Conference led to no definite issue “yan a no ai. allow its voice to be stifled. The Governmen’ yer? significant hints to the Germans that as on hobs ad and the Frene organs say that if the war be resumed, ust. Lorp Gags is ateore beeause cha vy ol the Apoerypha are sometimes read in church, and so is Exury, because, he says, .| that —, contains things which it is Fee py to read in the mes of Lorkp Lyrrieron re the delicate nobles the same ed applies, with greatly moans force, to the Jewish Scriptures. = Bisnors nthe Apo and — hy" a aene aa a le passages in the a and the latter Bishop sai that Lonp Exury, by pay Cao not a sadder but a wiser man. Lokp Gace santApoor pal Bill was withdrawn, but we have no objection to console him with a new title, that of Lonp Greancaen. Bit in the Cotimons the Government was all but killed. The were curious. A debate on the Ashantee war was ae y Siz — ore oa lost_ a brother in the expedition, and all but a by Geuteving the Government, After a long and earnest fetes, eon ery encounter between the Premrer and the be ee et ieeee was & oe wa te th Joun’ Any: r —— ens —— 0 the Ashan % e suites were ome dee tin a majority of seven only, in a House of 489 5 at ni Opposition ,cheering was for three minutes. So this week the Picementery saab with & good bang. Mz. Hunt phougie = that and Dressmakers. Of course | ;

WHAT DO YOU WANT P of THE HOUSEKEEPER’S CONSTANT COMPANION. ONTAINING everything that a ms R. ow, and a good deal she o yt + to know, et hints day in the oy songs, ture, dark sayings, rules for lines of Gonduct, gardening, brain, y, stories abe monde, toxopho- boas th or some- the bow-and- and a variety and instruc- to be found y publicadion of this hherte attempted. verte OF THE PRESS. “A Real Treasure to Ladies.” —Musical Gazette. “No recently married young ter ope Sught te bé without this admirable work.”—Morning Star. Valuable | "—Ladies’ Newspaper. uf hed once teld of Dean Swirt, &c,, &e. But we would place this Companion tf nae y's hands.” —Daily Tele, legraph. pall bestow sufficient praise upon this 6#6élent Vade Meeui.”—John iu “< Equally suitéd t6 the Boudoir, the Study, thé \ Desiring Room, Kitchen, ne geittleman’s table should be unprovided with do you vant #°"—The COnOmtiUSst . “ Calculated to reform the entire system of Housekeeping.” —Press. * Supplies a long felt want.”—Lloyd’s Weekly. “* A great desideratum ih the world of Letters.”—The Leeds Diurnal Perambulator. * The Working Classes have at length got what they desired.” —Mining Journal. We commence in this present month of June :— General Remarks —June is sométimes one of the summer months in London. Theré is no bah ee f about thie matter. Houstkéeper’s Tablet —Peculiar mode of nig Salmon for Dinner. —Purchase a Salmon alive. Let it 4 wit. sala anyt. to eat for four-and-twenty hours, it will then be one prepared for dinner Whjtebatt are really a g whales. To the taste for this delicacy, providentially, as says Mz, QuaTREMAIN, implanted in our countrymen’s gullets, do we owe i that the sea is still Lf ory Domestie—When your husband bri ome a. friend to dinner mnexpiedip overwhelm the guest with continued] apologies for the scantiness of the meal, Frown at your husband, and do not permit him to take twiee of any dish, The most Monsen! Method of getting a nice little cold Dinner for reid Daye The Sand of Tuoe ie 2 bad day for lending £100. fe 22nd of June is a ay for anyone This may og very generally applied thro “4 the year. Advice —In June and July avoid mad Fishing.—Glitter attracts mackerel. learly all fish may be taken with tin. Try the experiment at any fishmonger’s, who will tell you the quantity of tim required.

TO COLNEY-HATCHERS AND OTHERS. [ADVERTISEMENT. lis A GENTLEMAN, who wishes to change nina, would be ¥ gs + to hear of somé oné ffi a sithilar position, to atcommodate him. Advertiser will be ready to go out of Ais mind at the t notice. ost—a Head, belongi: to a Country Gentleman: It was unfor- tunately lost while visiting the top of the Monument. OUND.—A Person, name unknown, has recently ghee Bouts in Tea and Sugar. , She is still living. Apply at Bow Street Police Sta’ OUND. —A Bod in to some fitie old Crusted Port: Apply to Messrs. Biacxine & Ooi,

Prva Duersion or THE Gon?erence—‘ We mast draw the Line Somewhere.” ive Mr. Bantine’s Morro.—Casus Belli.

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Joxn 25, 1864.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 261 The question in MY BUTLER. [A TALE OF PRIDE AND PUNISHMENT. PART IL. PUNISHMENT. I HAVE a cart, a namnaly ons cart, Which carries My servants, oa, wht they come, depart, on a Visit go. Who plam For m ee exed was I, “When piled With h bck it ei But he came in a I went to scold, bat when I met I iy butier, oburteuta, bland, And d yet I dare not My Lorp or G. 6 O6GasiOns rare “Fiat at to -_ ~ 3 to see 9 2% seen alee I'd best And by phy Ley aaa To chide I Be} Se from se first he took And though my slave ip in Lone and look, Began to patronise. my tone: yet something in mine ear Still said, with quiet ease, “ Of course you will not f intertere ; I’m from the Eart or G.’s.” % - Who dot ogee A ménu so refine In look: yet did I ofttimes see ace, — could you bring a man like me such a poky place?” The way he moved, his” tay tread, Made all my rooms look sm I could have punched that builder’s head ed my narrow hall. IT showed him o’er my cellars, stocked With wines and eau de And when we left, he calmly ‘locked The door, and kept the key. Hi uts out”? what he likes, each day My Hest Lafitte doth flow e two stits of evening clothes, e oné prea al My Ang one, OLE, W only goes Ce paihan tend te om, Sc ane ‘ekg away.” wish, but oh ! arse began, he bills for paste I get. 7 Before the qe] neighbourhood Sof be or noble b! All meaner folk excel. * * * * * Our grandees are exalted high From their abundant means ; In house, dress, equipage, none vie With the Dz Wynton GREENEs, = glass, such crockery, and plate ! “Wi cook for days I seem to hate hen with the GreENEs I’ve dined. And when, with eptanin sweet, mj come to dine with us, tentates we ever -_ TA great parade and fus And keowing the great love “ae bear To their high name, Our butlers we instruct with care How to cet out the same. age pom and flouneed, and queens,— vie, And t with sham si And + fim 3 nay, 4 80. rile nae came be ri, a:2 ya dinner through, W tating ent to other servis thee bea i tho Cagle Si fs ides, tee There ’s no resemblance—union—no Butlers Analogy.” as we he told me how ; Reverend Jonzs’s man, ates ——, lout, pes, are Ag as Siow, borough jet, tanta | him out. % I marked in REvEREND JoNnES’s mien wom Pek dy de el on. our friendship t n A chillness ever since. rgeous swe! Oh, if there be, as I believe, rim spirits in the air, Who love to see us mortals grieve, And dance at our despair— How must they chuckle to proclaim, And glory to deride, The an , punishment, and shame Of my poor fallen pride ! MR. GLADSTONE’S MORNING CONCERT. A Concer? was given yesterday morning to the hit Hon. the CHANCELLOR OF THE Exonegusr, in front of his ro Rig residence at —— nial pert —— a eA and instrumen’ ormance of nigger-minstre of national airs. The programme ineluded or ee SOT “ Polly Perkins ” March from Faust “The Young Man from the Country ” “ The Dark Girl Dressed in Blue ” ** Still so Gently ” Sestet—*“‘ We ’ve got no Work to do” Fantasia on Violin . Recitative—‘‘ My Christin Friends” Pot-Pourri . « LANDLAUFER. The first five list were perigrned on the binding Coe by 'Scxcn Se fe, aes and Saffi who | di encored himself se ’s popular i favocthion of public charity was characteristi ; rende y a party of singers in white rons, who ae m ics out of employ; a lot well known to the police. he fantasia S Rome obscure composer, BLOKE, was inter- preted by Mz. his usual style; and the blindman’s Appeal, “My Chinn ian ao effectively delivered by Bamrrerp. A German band nd perf orm: LAUFER’S medley of polkas, waltzes, and cones by the ppattas set the composer’s _—. performances above ae . BSyopson. - - Govunon. . GENrKINs. BEST. . Bertxayt, - Cancers. . Broxz, + Mores, "The a. is said,a determination to Bass’s Bill for the abatement of that rains tt ya aye noe ho better scholarship from that was father to the translation. THE LEGAL GAME OF FORFEITS, Te House of Commons has been behaving itself pretty well lately. It has kicked out Somes’s Bill and Lawson’s Bill, and it is going to give a Second Reading to Mz.,\CuaRies Forster’s Forfeiture of Lands and Goods Bill, As the law. is, fy sd convicted of the slightest offence which may be nominally a felony, forfeits land and whereas a villain found — of the ae erime, if it be legally onty, a misdemeanor, forfeits nothin laughter by misfortune, for which a just judge would award five minutes’ ere entails forfeiture. Thus a British i brutish jury may be enabled to ruin a poor doctor, for em bm has had the ill-luck to kill a patient in endeavouring to save By forfeiture of land “aa i goods the innocent family of a felon is he is hanged or transported for life, it punished as well as himself. touches them alone. These wrongs considered, can it be conceived that any Member of Parliament could have been capable of opposing Mz. ForstzR’s measure designed to right them? That measure was, however, opposed by Mx. W. Hunt, the representative of North Northampto What manner ‘hme —_ _ men . _ Se bet Lrg ou not t tthe majority of them, e's egislation, bave the i intelligence of asses and the flee» sense of pigs, if they re-elect ,Hount Ecclesiastical. A TRavELLER on the Eastern Counties Line wishes to know when Bishop Stortford was consecrated ? We can not inform It is rumoured that Siewon TAsteerire is to be created an Italian Bishop, with a see in al¢, : let us édtisole ours hite Bait, mati. Lean.—The Great Leah Bareman has left selves with a Greenwich dinner, and the little

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. [June 25, 1864, SS = 3 Ss > == VJ \ TENS! (ty sees Vii Rin : ¥ — _ - 4 Fare (who has driven rather a hard bargain and is settling). “But WHY, MY GOOD MAN, DO YOU PUT THAT CLOTH OVER THE Horsk’s HEAD ?” Cab.Driver, “‘ SHURE, YER Honour, THIN—I SHOULDN'T LIKE HIM TO SEE HOW LITTLE YE PAY FOR SUCH A HARD DAY’S WORRK! ” CONTINENTAL TOURISTS’ COMPANY (LIMITED). ABBREVIATED PROSPECTUS, Tus Company has been formed in order to supply a long-felt want. his want is, solely and only, of money in the pockets of the Promoters and Directors. | _ It must be evident to every one who has been in any way interested in the statistics of our vast and increasing population, that there are thousands among us, who, either from want of means, time, or oppor- pong: are botany. unable to quit their own native country and inspect for themselves the beauties of Foreign Lands. In the first of these ust mentioned positions have been placed for many years the present romoters and Directors of this Company. They now propose to remove these existing disabilities, and to afford themselves ample means for visiting the most distant parts of the habitable Globe. Arrangements have reg | been made by which the best rooms in the first-class Continental Hotels can be sec for the Travelling paraetene, who will spare no expense in the interests of the Share- olders. The practical control of affairs will be placed in the hands of a Manager, who is a gentleman of sound experience, and who has passed, during the greater part of his life, from city to town, from town to ving’. from village to mere encampments, adopting the most econo- mical principles. 3 With a view to purchasing a Special Private Hotel, there will be an additional Deposit made upon the Shares, and the Directors will take a Site. ohne. pertionlars, with a Form of Application for Shares, &c., &c., At the Opera. “Ou, that dear duck, Mario, how like a nightingale he sings!” exclaimed a gushing girl the other night to Lord kor Wsvell, no, I c-can’t see that p-p-precisely,” said his Lordship, “ if any fella’s like a n-n-nightingale, it must be Juc-svG-Lunt! ” THE FRITH OF FROME. Tuer isa place called Frome, which elects Lonp Epwarp Tuynnz, as it has a perfect right to do, and which has just had a Conservative banquet, to which, if the Mechanics, in whose Hall it took place, have no objection, we have none. The two Lorps Turnne were the aris- tocracy at this feast, and it might seem that the Committee were hard up for speakers, as a martial parson had to propose the health of the Army, Navy, Yeomanry, and Volunteers. Another parson made a little speech, which has caught the Rev. Mr, Puncn’s eye :— ** The Rev. E. C. Friru in the course of his remarks, said that though he could not quite agree with what was said in the House of Commons the other day, that every Churchman must necessarily be a Conservative, still he thought .the propo- sition might be inverted, and that it might be said, every good Churchman should be a Conservative.” Mr. Frits is no doubt a good man, but if his sermons are framed on the model of the above sentence, we should ‘prefer attending his church when he didn’t preach. It really is not “inverting” Bossy Ceci’s nonsense to prefix “ ” to Churchman, and to substitute for the verb of necessity the preterite of shall, as an auxiliary ver denoting obligation. Is this Conservative grammar? If so, no wonder that the party forgets its antecedents and quarrels with its relatives. Pleasant American News. (For Once.) In the interest of all the playgoers, Mr. Punch contradicts, (on au- thority) the statement that Miss Barzman “is about to leave the Stage, and marry a t officer in Her Majesty’s Service.” Miss BaTEMAN is not going to leave the Stage, nor to marry = officer, gallant or otherwise. It} is true, however, that she is engaged, and it is to Mz. Wessrer, and will fulfil her vow by appearing at his theatre early in the new year. Public writers have no business to rend our bosoms with false tidings, and those who spread perturbing reports ought to be made to pay for the cab we took to ascertain the fact, and the champagne we had to drink before we could allay our agitation.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jonz 25, 1864. |_S7 STEPHEN'S ACADEMY

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ID RWEX <A

Coolness Parsonified, 178 Great Boat Race (The), 131 Great News ! Glorious News! 185 Greenbacks for the Green, Gross Ignorance of Hebrew, 114 Growl from a British Flat (A), 245 HampstgeaD Heath to the ee 3 164 oe on Schleswig-Holstein, 90 rd Labour in ro 151 Harry versus Harris, 9 way Heap 8 (A), 99 emp for Hem: Hercules on the be File (A), 247 Hi Probal

H Hint, (A), 286 Hint from Hamlet Prince of Denmark, 194 Histrio Anglicanus, 9 Home and Rome, 246 Horrible Outrage by eacoee, 189 Print, 18 Householders to the Rescue, Domestic Demons, 52 Householder’s Voice sore al (The), 11 Dramatic Justice to peend, 257 How the World Wagged, &c., 164 Drawn from the Bank, 2 How to Honour Shakspeare, 89 Mr. Milton paipking teem ‘Shametal,” 141 How to Use your Mork 122 ’ ew 195 Window, 54 How the Old Parties Settled the New | Mrs. Durden on fexe on ica, 52 ep and What a (The), 68 Ministry, 146 Mrs. San en BSitu- ee eae icroscope (The), ¥1 IpLe Hands, 111 ation, 1 Duck Dished (A), 88 ino vy’ by Max Miiller (4), 90 Dupin and his Dupes, 88 Inhumanity in Man, 74 Meddlers, to Lord Russell (An), 135 vere and the Lilleykillings, 34 Ecclesiastical, ife to Learned Husband, 104 | Musical Ecclesiastical Auctioneer (An), 59 Re Jowett ! 116 Economy in Fuel, 131 Tntensely aya, 218 “ Eh? Mother,” 131 fall, oye Engagement to Miss Faithfull, 195 wn ba (An), 183 for | English Extra Superfine, 167 Ll 68 Se eee cee een ete 9 Mariner,” 42 English Plays and French Critics, 68 Jom7-Stock Bubble Companies Bursting- Envy of the — (The), 71 up Association (The), 228 Etiquette, 164 Joke about a Judge (A), 198 European Row (A), 171 Joke from the Commissioners in Lunacy Excelsior Bill A), 83 N Justices’ Mercy, 14 y Exit of Private Life (The), 242 Justice to Ireland, 21 Byes Right, Volunteers ! 231 Juvenile Nofun — 28 FaBLes of the French, 112 Kise + ed iscourses the New “ Facilis Descensus Averni,” 52 Year, ew T » 8 False Start (The), 222 King + ot Pramis’s Triumphal Song, 206 Air, the Kiei Fancy Black, 17. Knotty Point in og (A), 109 Fashinnable Lotalligetice, 47 Knox et Praoteria Nihil! 11 Noble Fawcett and Brighton, 88 Lapis who are the most Presentable in ue i. ed ide of a Yel te William, 44 Fechter Farces (che) 17 America, 144 (The), 4 Lady on Schleswig- Holstein (A), 50 Soe yy 69

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be Again For the Use of Sohools, 58, * 187, &c. | Latest from Elysium, 77 Notices fa for the Four Gems in One Setting, 2 Latest Shakepearian News, 152 —_ Tem Fragment by Mr. R. ys and the} Latitude of Ladies (The), 246 Printers (A), 221 Law Intelligence, 240 Fraudulent Faces, 19 ic~ of Divorce, 43 French Profession and English Practice,67 | Lawson's Lost Liquor Bill, 249 Frith of Frome (The), 262 Lay of Don Ferrando (The), 110 ig Word ial Frog he would a-Writing go, 18 Legal Game of Forfeits (The), 261 Old W ‘ales, or From a — Swell, 222 Letter from Mr. Gladstone, 18 From a Goeseeeenion 151 Lift for a Ladies’ School (A), 250 on a a iate C eanned From an Nell Hews sa Lines on a Snob, 172 ae of the vata Air ; if I | FE BEE aa tt i i ? a 5 tl Z | From a Twaddling ola Cynical Fidget, 242 ees Bill Legislators, 140 | Sor srg of Foreign Policy, 141 Literary Smashers, 63 Furious Driving, 87 Logic and Life Assurance, 187 GarrBaLpr's Swell Guide, 146 London and Suburban Iron and Mud Genuine Irish Grievance (A), 145 Miners’ Company (The), 41 Ghost-Dog (A), 155 London’s Unmusical Season, 226 Ghost of a Sompliment (The), 90 Longest Joke on — (The), 40 aeee a (A Ay Fry Low Tory Tactics, 17 Luck of Mr. 8 mn (The), 215 Greteful fal Gountes (A) aN 241 Map Worid ie 101 f i “s He ip

E

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INDEX. [June 25, 1864. Volunteers and Victims, 13 War and Peace Tax (The), 68 Wayside Inn (The), 59 Way the Cat Jumps (The), 132 Welcome to the Baby (A), % What do you Want? 260 What it is Coming to, 87 What Toby Thought at the Door of the mference-Room, 189 Bill (The), 285 | When to Shut the Stable Door, 2 ), 7 Who Should the Boxk Who (A), 57 Wh 99 Wicked Work at Dybbdl, 157 William Makepeace Thackeray, 1, 17 119, 129, 135, &c. Word with Spain (A), 200 Worse than Welsh, 158 Yorxsuire Shepherd (A), 258 Your Friend Potter, 115 Hy fe aE fee “i f F : ! 251 (The), 131 69 # is i LARGE ENGRAVINGS :— Hector, is Sheltered | Acoravarsp Policeman (The), 201 Bark and No Bite, 106 (The), 190 | Beadle and the Dane (The), 253 139 | Brutal Annie -tenseten ore Month: | 211 144 | Dressing the Window, 55 English Assassin Painted by France, 107 English Beef, — Wine, and Ger- man False Start (The), 223 Farewell to Garibaldi, 181 Friendly Advice, 137 Goody Gladstone's Gifts, 159 Idle Goss (The), 148 John in a Mess, 85 Leap Year—Liberty under the Mis- Correspondents, 113 tletoe, 5 afterhisBudgetSpeech,| Miranda and Prospero, 25 Moses Starting for the Conference Fair, 169 Nemesis, 75 Next Half, 263 Our Danish Difficulty, 65 Pap Papel Pe 1 95 pers ‘apers Reversing the Proverb, 233 Reward of (De)Merit (The), 191 Shakspeare and the Pigmies, 45 Sir Rowland le Grand, 117 Suspense, 180 Teucer, Assailed by Hector, is Protected by the Shield of Ajax, 127 ** This is the Noblest Roman of them All!” 149 What the Nation Hopes Soon to See, 35 ee F d i i TF a | SMALL ENGRAVINGS :— American Literary Intelligence, 226 Anecdote of the Frost, 71 | gery 39 Another Pretty Little Americanism, 210 ise of Army Artist and hisHypocondriacalFriend,61 Vermin Famine Awful Apparition of the Bard at Mrs. Scrimmage’s Tea-Fight, 60 LONDON : BRADBURY AND EVANS, PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS, Awkward Position of Adolphus Muf- DS, 220 Biter Bit (Th ), 24 r Case for if Beating (A), 200 Cause and Effect, 1 Colossal Old in Omnibus, 251 Complimentary Compliments of the Season, 58 ——— to the Navy (A), 109 and Stout Passenger, 174 Coun: 2 ™ ‘otions, Feats on the Ice, 21 a of a Rivals, 194 Foeethal: and pete Fae, 196 Frosen-out Fox Hunter (The), 100 80 Generosi! Good Excuse (A), 28 and Little Darling, 90 Hair in 1868, 4 Hibernian Swell and Young Ensign, 103 Hint for Tailors (A), 172 oy to Pa ey A * Gossips e Illuminated Adv. ents, 91 Indignant Little Gent and Waiter, 236 Inebriated Swell and Milk 55 Missing Da id Ni wvien (The) 289 and Na 6), Mistaken Iden , 259 M ie), 12 “ Mr. Nibbs, I leve ?” 145 4 offington makes a Morn- his Groom, 165 Noisy Burglar, or the Cat and the Milk- | Jug, 153 Not a Hundred Miles from H-mpt-n | C-rt P-l-ce, 189 No like a Mechanical Turn (for Hair- 41 No like Doing it Thoroughly, 248 = - © Finest try in Custody, Othello on eg es 184 on — Ola Friend Beye Again, 94 r ’ Our Friend, Bob Snyffleton, 219 Our Gallant Captain taking Refuge, 238 Papa and oats 208 Perilous Posi Review, 164 Habit to be Adopted Shortly (A), 186 Scene in a Hatter’s Shop, 214 Scene in a Tunnel, 20 Scene in Belgravia—and a Fact, too, 242 - tgalism in Australia, 206 oeburyness, 10 Short-Sighted Captain and Dirty Private, 50 Sporting Recollecti Sci Applied to Deer Stalking, 70 Stickleback Poachers Detected (The), 207 St. Patrick's Day, 125 Street Boys, 31 Swell and Cerpulent Cabby, 142 Swell to his Juvenile Partner, 30 Table d’Héte at Paris (A), 190 Three Cheers for Bass his Barrel of Beer, &c., 222 Toll-Bar Nuisance (The), 34 To the Memory of the Tercentenary Committee, 193 Underground Railway, 227 n way, by = in Advice to Nervous Old Vol cox ie sn t (The), 113 olunteer Movemen Warm Work, 176 Yet Another Americanism, 232

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