Punch 1862: Vol 42

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1ttTtteart MCLEE Pape isk oP — ° noes eee > os oa Wiz ie ee —— - Se Nip —— Saya "aloe Lk XLII LONDON: PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 86, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.

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be LONDON : h BRADBURY AND EVANS, PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS. | di

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/ ~ as Za a NW AAs THE LORD DUNDREARY, LOQUITUR. —P—PR—PREFACE, Mr. Puncn! Come, I say, that’s chaffing a fellah, and old birds in the hand are not to be caught in the bush—stop, if you’re in the hand you can’t ke caught by putting salt upon the bush—I haven’t quite got it, but the moral is the same. A P—P—Preface.’ What’s a Preface? A fellah can’t be expected to know that without being told; cam he?—ridiculous, at least if he hasn’t heard of it in some other way; you must see that, I w—w—wonder whether my brother Sam could write a Preface. I shouldn’t think he could; because nobody knows what his brother can’t do until he has tried, and Sam’s never been tried, you know; at least he’s never been tried for writing Prefaces, so he’s not guilty of that, Sam isn’t, and it’s a c—c—comfort to be able to say a fellah’s not guilty of anything especially if you are his brother. I don’t mean that you’re Sam’s brother, because if you were, you would be me, which would be ridiculous: we couldn’t both be the same person and different, could we? Only _ you might be a nian and a brother, and then you and Sam would be cousins; but, I say, then you would be a nigger, and you mightn’t like that, eh? and have to wash your face with a b—b—blacking brush ; very objec- tionablé idea that. But, I say, I wish you’d ask Sam to write your Preface for you; he lives in America, he _ does, and if you write to the North and your letter comes back, I dare say he’ll answer it from the South. ' Stop, mo, he can’t do that if it comes back and he don’t get it; can he?—but you might make it a d—d—double letter, and put two heads on it, and then it would do for either North or South America. Two heads are better than one, don’t you know—stop, is that right? A fellah gets these epitaphs-into his head till—stop, are they epitaphs? No, no, an epitaph was what they put on my Aunt Satty—not that she had two heads, quite the reverse, and I never saw a two-headed aunt in all my life—ridiculous, how could she _ kiss my uncle if she had two heads?—why she ’d be a s—s—Cerberus, and you don’t think my uncle, who was a most respectable man, would marry a Cerberus—he was quite another kind of person. Now he could have written a Preface for you if you like, he could, and I should advise your going to him, only he’s dead, that’s one thing, so I suppose it wouldn’t be quite—no, of course, you can’t go to a late lamented | uncle and b—b—bother him for Prefaces—quite absurd, Besides, we don’t know whether he’s dead or not,

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iv PREFACE. [June 28, 1862. 2 ee ——- —— Pe RCE NR wrt because he went to Australia and never wrote to say he was dead, or anything in the nug—nug—nugget line, you know, and—I’ll tell you what—an idea—yes. When you write your double letter to my brother Sam you might put a p—p—postecript telling him that if he doesn’t get it he might send it on to uncle if he isn’t dead, and if he is, tell uncle to send it back. Of course he can’t do that if he’s dead, unless—ha— unless you wrote a d—d—dead letter—not bad that. But alive or not, he’s quite a gentleman, my uncle, I assure you, and if you think he would marry a Cerberus you don’t know the man. Quite incapable of marrying Cerberus or any other heathen goddess. Was Cerberus a goddess though?—no, I should say not —didn’t M—M—Morpheus go after his wife and give him sop—Cerberus must have been a b—b—baby—a two-headed baby—wonder which face they k—k—christened, awkward for the godfathers not to know which . half they answered for,eh? ‘Well, I don’t know what’s to be done though, because you say you want the Preface to-morrow, and the mail don’t go out till next week, so you couldn’t hear in time unless you put more stamps on, and then the letter would weigh too much, and he’d send it back unopened, Sam would, for he’s a d—d—deuced economical fellah, is Master Sam. I call him Master because there’s no Mistress Sam, and I wish there was, as marriage would steady him, a pair goes much steadier than a single horse, not that Sam’s a horse, if he was I wouldn’t send you to him to write Prefaces; horses don’t do that I’m given to understand, though he might draw the p—p—picture for you; horses can draw, you must see that joke, and you might put it in the Preface when Sam sends it over. Sam will laugh at that, he always laughs, does Sam, except when he’s asleep, and then he wh—wh—wh—whistles through his nose to show he isn’t afraid of ghosts, though I don’t know whether they understand it as such, but if my lamented uncle’s a ghost he understands it, because he understood everything, and I think you’ll get a better Preface out of ‘him than Sam. I tell you what, if the gh—gh—ghost don’t answer you, and Sam don’t, you come to me to the Haymarket at Christmas and—you’ll remember Christmas—hot e—c—cross buns, you know—and then I’Il do it for you, and you can hark back and put it in your H-F-F-Forty-Secomd Volume. ewe rere oe 1, a & OF ee Se a ee 22B~—SODIASe cesacecw~| | | 2S e—S 424 “= 7 ut ae Bean 2) ) ay

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PUNCE > ALMA AC POF

WISH FOR JANUARY. Poterfamilias. Ah! Dr. TripLex, well met. I wish you'd give my little people a lookin. Head-ache, no appetite, and all that sort of thing. Dr. Triplex. I'll look round. I suppose you have been idiot enough to let ’em keep Twelfth Bay | | HISTORICAL PARALLELS. (For Competitive Candidates.) Compare the French Finance system of NEcK-AR under | Louis THE SIXTEENTH, and the French Finance system of | Neck-or-Nothing under Louis NAPoLeon. Compare the enormous abuses of the Publicani in the | such a thing? Why, it’s a Valentine. WISH FOR FEBRUARY. Materfamilias. Matitpa, what letter is that you a hiding? Matilda. It isn’t a letter, Mamma. Moterfamilias. Give it me, Miss. How dare you recei Iam ashamed ¢

Paterfamilias. I wish there was no Twelfth Day. (Growl- | Elections to the Senate in Rome, and the enormousabuses | you, Miss. ing.) of the Publicans in the Elections to Parliamentin Finsbury. | Matilda. I wish there was no Valentine’s Day. (Crying 3 2! | g £2b = = s 8 53 B aus e &ae | e 8S4 g *% | 2 ee a ee | a pes wy » So gv ae) S eas ° 8 Zee S Bs$| Base 3) | See & 222 He > F 3 z = | re E *- ¢ 23 2se~ - a's 22a 2 - AE S Se Bren s 3. ¥o¢ Sigd: a 3 ae _ Seacé B SOSSsé a 6 3 4°. ;e 2 + Fe} wd B ee a ae : 8] oie = 3 fil Sig ne SES AlSS =| £3 35% . ei ae Ss eer @ < o| 2 <4 826 g| Fat S= e884! ee By) ™ By a BS e7 2) Wii i Mini "ii Eg gags $3 238 tH Sis & 5656 ae "Pe et ate ey | <| 5 a ies ye ; el @s 2 Rs mg i | << a2 oF |e BZ | = é - 4s leg &. z be ( ry)

. ! 1 Je : ii é ui J hi a Mt ms wv it: . Every gaol-delivery proves that there pable than the sages of the Law of emptying

Tue TemPeRaANce oF THE Bencu.—Judges are proverbially | | sober, not that they drink less than other men, but because | al | they can stand more. are no men more ca a Jug. PNY oa I Tn ‘inet | al) i y ae Mactin” oi = yy ps ae iM if care how you accompany any If those cannibals the Fans catch A Fact ror Nonconrormists.—Mr. Spurncron’s Monster Taber- | you, they will make veal of your calves. nacle is no Little Bethel. Caution To Foormen.—Take expedition to Central Africa.

SSS fi) ay a 4, =Y Wi Z% Cx Zz

ich soldiers, fi bster is a very

sat head of hair likely to take Because she knows how to make al pe RETURN FROM A SUBURBAN PARTY. **Werry sorry, Mum, I'm sure, Mum—sutr THE Oss ain't RouGHen,

th

rative of Flynnen. GRAMMATICAL INFORMATION.—Widower is the cor

DID YOU EVER? Dip you ever know a Builder whose “estimate of cost” was not exceeded by his bill? Did you ever know a Speaker promise “only a few words,” and not utter a great many? Did you ever know a Waiter at an eating-house whose arithmetic would bear a pen-and-ink analysis? Did you ever know a “‘Plucked” Man who might not, by his own account, have passed extremely easily if he had only worked?

WHEN you give a piece of your mind, take care it’s not the biggest piece. When you pay a compliment, always take a receipt. gee Vp a ide = fe oe ( i| ee % SE 3 3 : _'| B SF SONG BY MR. SOWERBY. ON SPIRIT-PAINTING. TO A LADY. Ir spirits around us are constantly hoverin, Our thoughts acts and deeds every mom ent discovering,

Does your ladyship fancy they re skilled in phot: hy’ Would you like them to illustrate all your omen ?

—

HINTS BY A Sevectt here’s a | ringing, D ‘dine w rtful hin hat your jou will t On any! p take he: hroughou dgeting a g her he redicting make y 7 to see MR. BRIARS I Thorns i Verdan Slugs an Midst 1 Nore ON ORICAL.— 1 large fic iscussing Tue 8v1 WORLD is t

You may mise made t your b brella. THe ad would, if 1 neome-Ta3 THING Ni he youn; hicken—i.

WHEN yo ways pay

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AstroLocy.—In January 8 urn stationary impo : > Government would | Their united dresses amount t< POLITICAL arty. pugna-| ¢ cht for French soldiers, fix The lobster is a very Ke we RENE ME FUME = 62OCHUSS SHC KNOWS how to make ad pa people saj OF THE Unirep States.—Some

HINTS TO MAKE HOME HAPPY. BY A MAN WHO MARRIED LATE. SELECT the days when you suspect that here’s a make-shift sort of a dinner, for inging, unexpectedly, a few City men p dine with you; pm throw out such rtful hints as may lead them to infer hat your wife is a bad caterer, do what ou will to school her. On any night when you have promised b take her to the theatre, either don’t go ome till morning, or else come rushing h for dinner two hours before the time, d, when you find she is not dressed, eclare she always keeps you waiting, and hroughout the whole two hours go on dgeting and ap by continually ask- g her how long she means to be, and redicting that, as usual, she’ll be sure make you miss the only scene you are to see. MR. SOWERBY’S SEASONS. SPRING. Briars now, and brambles shoot ; Nettles grow in hedgerows thick, And, of birds’ nests in pursuit, Hands of youngsters sting and prick. Thorns increase and thistles thrive ; Verdant hemlock crests the bank; Slugs and snails are all alive, Midst the weeds that flourish rank. Nore oN Marcu, Naturat AnD His- ORICAL.—Rooks in ploughed fields mect 1 large flocks and hold Diet of Worms, iscussing their grub. Tue Surest Way To RISE IN THE WorLp is to go up in a balloon. You may keep an old friend—a pro- mise made—a woman’s love—a balance t your banker’s, but never—-an um- prella. Tne advocates of indirect taxation would, if they had their way, make the neome-Tax the “‘ Whole Duty of Man.” THING Not GENERALLY CONSIDERED.— e amp and prettiest girl is no hicken—if she is a goose. Wuen you take Counsel with yourself, Ways pay his travelling expenses.

THE PORTRAIT.—FINISHING TOUCH TO THE DRESS. Painter. “I Bea your Panrpoy, But I’M AFRAID you ARE SITTING ON My PALETTE!”

BALLAD FROM BEDLAM. Tue moon is up! the moon is up! The larks begin to fly, And like a breezy buttercup Dark Pheebus skims the sky : The elephant with cheerful voice Sings blithely on the spray, The bats and beetles all rejoice,— Then let me too be gay ! Last night I was a porcupine, And wore a peacock’s tail, To-morrow, if the moon but shine, Perchance I'll be a whale : as be me, like the cauliflower, —- while I may, pr ere there comes a sunny hour To cloud my heart, be gay WISH FOR MARCH. Landlord. I hope I see you well, Mr. DAWDLE. Tenant. You see nothing of the kind, Mr. Screw. Landlord. Sorry to hear it, Sir. Drawn out that little cheque for me, Sir? This is the 25th, you know. Sorry to trouble you, Sir. Tenant. I wish there was no Lady Day. (Scowling.) SONG BY MR. SOWERBY. ON A CHRISTENING. KITCHEE, kitchee, little duck ! Let us hope he ’s born to luck. His beginning here we see ; Wonder what his end will be. Every one has crowed and smiled, Like this interesting child, Once, for all were once as young— Every person ever hung. PARLIAMENTARY. — An Irish Member takes the sense of the House about him- self, and is voted a bore. Osviovus.—Why is next year’s Exhibi- tion sure to be popular ?—Because it has been well taken up by folks (Fowxkers) from the first. WHEN you speak what you admit to be plain truth, expect others to think it downright ugly.

ZN HH? TN is vii ft ) By df ui Wwe oli a A HOT CHESTNUT IS A VERY GOOD THING AFTER DINNER, BUT IT IS NOT SO PLEASANT JUST AS THE FOX BREAKS, Rough Rider. “‘ By YER LEAVE, Sir! My youna Horse RUSHES so IF HE’s Kepr Wartina!”

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WISH FOR APRIL Liltle Boy. Sir, Sir, if you please, Sir. There's something out of our ket. 4 “pase Eh, my lad, what is * hatte Boy. Your hand, Sir. Passenger (»romptly). Yes, Sir, as you shall feel. (Boxes his ears ) Ltile Boy. lwish there was no April Fool Day. (Howling.) A BATCH FROM BEDLAM. Q@. Way is a hunted fox likea Puseyite ? A. » ause he’s a tracked- hairy-un. (Tractarian.) Q@ If a Yankee slave-driver caught a female runaway, what would be his first remark ? ? A. Let's lick-her. : Q. Why is Bionprs like a prize- fighter ? A. Bee:use he can't get his living withcut some as-saults. (somersaults. 2. —* is a lazy man a contra- diction ? A. Because he is a far-nigh- ain’t-he? (far niente.) Facr ror Att Foor’ Day.— The Geographical Society holds a Conversazione, in the course of which a wag, who has reccived an invitation to attend, remarks that the most extraordinary river in the world is the Plate, which runs with gravy. SEASONABLE DEMONSTRATION. —First of April ; All Fools’ Day. General meeting held by the ; United Kingdom Alliance. Very wet. ra iW I \ Bacon Fancier. “‘Tuere, now! THar’s my Sryie!” HINTS TO MAKE HOME HAPPY. BY A MAN WHO MARRIED Lat ENDEAVOUR every morning get out of bed on the wr side. Always ring for your } water with a vehemence of ¢ who thinks his house is on fi and scold the servant through door for her tardiness in bri it. Never get your brea! without grumbling that the eg are = boiled too much else not half enough: and t by no chance can you ever gel decent cup of coffee. Except purposes of diet, or else to ma a disagreeable remark, don’t o your mouth until the meal finished. If your wife attemj a little cheerful conversatic stop it by a grunt: and eat v the Times newspaper propped before your plate, as a hint th you don’t want her to boti you by talking. Never positiv tell her whether you'll be ho to dinner : and be careful on days when you are certain youl dine out, to express yourself that she will be sure to wait hour for you. When you qi the house leave a last word wi the servant, as opposite as yx sible to what you told your wi so as still more to prevent bh know’ what to do, and gi you further chances of compla: at her not doing it. Of cours be sure when you go out to bs the door well after you. WHEN you draw an infereng be sure about your moral pq spective. POOR RICHARD’S MAXIMS. Respectfully dedicated to all true Americans, BY THE SHADE OF BENJAMIN FRANKLIN. Owe grain of sense is worth a pound of bluster. There is moderation in all things. Do not feed the boiler until you make it burst. The head of Folly is generally crowned with a Mob-cap. | A nation saved from going to war is a nation preserved | ber of rom ruin. “The vessel of a State was never yet kept afloat by a num- windbags. PS uarrel is like debt—much easier rushed into than got ail two bedfellows are both determined to sleep in the | middle of the bed, it is pretty clear there will soon bea | falling out between them. One falsehood entails several. As you make your w. = equivocations and deceits, so you must lie in it. oy of compasses, divided against itself, is good { Brag is a trumpet that’s very loud before going iy battle, but rarely heard in beating the retreat. Tur One THING ONE ALWAYS GETS AT A Pusiic Dixw HUNTING FROM TOWN.—IT IS SAFER TO GO WITH YOUR ANIMAL. Raileay Porter (reflectively. “Eanty Train! Ler’s sex! Litrie Bay 'Oss, anp a Brown 'Oss s ima A Bia Kyze? Han! Ten you MAY DEPEND THEY’RE THE "Os8ES AS WENT ON TO YORK ——e. -_——- Ge where else Never hi blankets 01 the bed pe the less a will look, 4 large part and let th stowin dusters, dt similar art not likely 1 which you of running have no ot! spare bed. Tne Las Tax.—BiL Cut their St Trae Wm Mili fff C4 4 YY W/ / lo

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» wait you qi nferenud ore your D it. good fi ing in Dryntl AT WEAIN A SANITARY DIRECTIONS FOR SERVANTS. (For the Housemaid.) Never open windows. It admits the teak If you find any open, shut them care In sweeping, work the dust well under drawers, sofas, cabinets, and other pieces of furniture not liable to be moved. If these receptacles are ever discovered, you can remove the accumulation at once. Never disturb the dust on picture- frames, ledges, the tops of bureaus, &c., or generally, anywhere where your mis- tress is not likely to see it. ust once settled is harmless. Meddling with it only sets it in motion to settle some- where else. Never hang up, or expose to the air, blankets or bedding. As youhave the bed people ought to lie upon it, and the less a bed is disturbed the better it will look, and the less trouble it will give you. “ Never remove slops in detail. Keepa large part in some out-of-the-way place, and let them accumulate. Why should you take many journeys, when one will serve the purpose? Finda place in or about the bed-rooms for stowing away blacklead brushes, dusters, dust-pans, hearth-brooms, and similar articles, where your mistress is not likely to find them, and by resort to which you may spare yourself the fatigue of running up and down stairs. If you have no other place, put them under a spare bed. Tae Last Inigurry oF THE INCOME- TAXx.—BILLy BaRLwow, singing ‘‘ Reggedy- is pounced upon by the’ District ssessor, and taxed for his rents. Cause AND Errect.—Addicted as the Yankees are to whittling, it is no wonder that, at the Battle of Bull's Run, they Cut their Stick. Tae WINNER OF THE DERBY FOR 1862. The man who doesn’t bet. "GREAT REDUCTION THE USE OF ADVERTISEMENT. My. Sweep. “I's ENUFF TO TEMPT ONE. Hz LOOKS SO JOLLY CLEAN HISSELF!” HALF A CENTURY HENCE. (Extract from the Diary of Evetyn Pepys Jones.) “ May-day. Take my wife to hear the Monster Concert at the Crystal Palace. Twenty thousand in the chorus and five thousand in the band are all that they are able at p t to date ; but at the Great Festival which will be held next year, they promise that these numbers shall be very ey doubled. The solo singers sang through speaking trumpets, as at these monster meetings nowadays is usually done; but our seats were so far off that we could scarcely catch a note, although I had my patent sound-expander with me. After the per- formance there was some high rope walk- ing between two air balloons a couple of miles from earth, but I unluckily had left my telescope at home, and so could see but little of this interesting sight.” SONG BY MR. SOWERBY. ON A PERAMBULATOR. MapaM, wheeled in yonder chair, I your little boy behold, He may ride, as he rides there, In a bigger when he’s old. Musing nursemaid, through the throng Unobservant where you go, Push your infant o— along ; Yes : and crush his fater’s toe. WISH FOR MAY. Model Husband. I—hic—hic—-asshu— you, my love, hic, that I was—was hin- dered from cominhome—hic—by import —tant clients. Amiable Wife. Very likely, Sir, and are these your clients stuck all round your hat? lis, as I’m an honest woman. Model Husband. They ’re—they’re—hic —my love—memorandums. Amiable Wife. I wish there was no Derby Day. (Sulking.) How To FIND THE CAB FaRE TO ANY Part or Lonpon.— | sk the cabman how much he wants, and give him half he amount. Waewn you embark in a Sp&ulation mind your crew don’t | fitter’s should always be well aired before they are worn, | scuttle her. PRECAUTION AGAINST Damp.—Clothes bought at an cut- | Level. CuiLpuoop’s Home.—Nowhere is there a greater number | Joke By A DuMPY ORDNANCE CLERK.—Why is a tipsy land of infants reared than in Lap-land. | surveyor unlike water? Because he can never find his Toast FoR JoLLy BrGcars.—More kicks than half- for the very obvious reason, that they are all Slops. pence. yee a yy s INN + | — J SSS = POSITIVE FACT, OF COURSE. A MeEsSAGE COMES OFF ON Mrs. Bivepic’s LINEN, WHICH SHE Is HANGING, AS USUAL, ON THR TELEGRAPH WTRES.

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BALLAD FROM BEDLAM, I woutp I were a stickleback, And lived upon a mountain, I'd curl my tail, and purr, and quack, Like sparrows in a fountain. What joy through icy fire to Upon a cobweb swinging, And give my love my sunburnt heart, While evening drums are ri I Yet rather would I wish to be An elegant young spider, To treat my love to imps and tea, And sit and sing beside her. Then would we fly to Ztna Green, With bluebottles behind us, And hidden in a soup tureen, No mortal eye should find us ! JONES'S MEDITATIONS. Wuen a lady asks if you admire her dress, she expects you to express your admiration of herself. The time that women waste in_study- ing the looking-glass men more sensibly 2 in studying the dinner carte. If you wish to know the value that is set on your society, announce that you intend to give up giving parties, and then count the invitations you continue to receive. It is a sure sign of departing juvenility, when one has no longer an appetite for | buns. Whom do ladies dress themselves to please? Surely not the gentlemen, or they would never stand in such terror as they seem to do of oneanother's criticism. Imitation is the homage that dulness pays to genius. Such homage is paid constantly at the throne of the great Punch. PaystovocicaL Fact. — The actual | powers of the human stomach are in some cases equal to those which fable has ascribed to the ostrich,a bird erro- neously supposed capable of digesting iron and steel. Any Tailor can eat his own Goose. Hint on Garpenince. —In_ planting tulips consult the ae of England, because he is the chief of the floorists. Groocraruy ror Grris. — Iceland is | situated in Belgravia. Yen Wi] -— Se UYY////, ior Wie CRINOLINE FOR DOMESTIC USE. Domestic. *‘ BorHer Missus! SHE WEARS IT HERSELF, AND I DON’T SEE WAY I SHOULDN'T.” HINTS TO MAKE HOME HAPPY. BY A MAN WHO MARRIED LATE. Wuen any of your wife's relatives are staying in the house, do all you can to snub them and to maxe their visit wretched ; but when any of your family happen to be with you, take every oppor- tunity of shying in her hearing that you fear she terribly neglects them in your absence. Never pay a house-keeping account without a grumble, and always scrutinise each item as sharply as you can, and hint that shawls and bonnets are now and then put down, you think, among the “ Sundries.” If your wife is a proficient as a pianist or Singer, do all within your power to discourage her from practising ; and then, when at a party she fails somewhat to exhibit her usual execution, hint that ladies when they marry grow sometimes sadly lazy. In short, do all you can tosnub, vex, trouble, aggravate, and torment your wife, and it will not be your fault if, to yourself as well as her, your home is made most happy. MR. SOWERBY’S SEASONS. SUMMER. Wartst the sun shines make your hay. Yonder see the tempest lower. Now the forked lightnings play ; Now descends the thunder-shower. How the lads and lasses flee Fast away as doe and buck, Seeking shelter ‘neath a tree : Where they’re likely to be struck. WISH FOR JUNE. Mistress. Sarah! Atlast ! Provide your: self by this day month. Sarah. It ain't late, M’m; and please, M'm, my cousin— Mistress. Don't answer me, and don't dare to speak to me of your cousin. You were to past eleven, wicked, rude, ungrateful girl 70 to bed. Surah. I wish there was no Whit Monday. (Blubbdering). QUESTION FoR So.icitors.—What nasty; thing has more limbs than a centipede The Law. home by nine, and it is half, AM YY Ms S a Ps LA AL) ssa Bt Missus, “Mary! Go AND TAKE OFF THAT THING, DIRECTLY! PRAY, ARE YOU AWARE WHaT 4 RipicuLovs Opsecr you arr?’ CRINOLINE FOR: DOMESTIC USE. y UY YY) yk fullitnng ea, \ i= Se Ye ie -) \” SS \\| ‘Mig \yr f AANA TE

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A PROBLEM FORI\YOUNG LADIES: GIVEN. THE ELEGANT REGINALD FIpPs, WHO USED TO WALTZ SO BEAUTIFULLY, PERFORMING THE ABOVE KINDLY AND MOST NEEDFUL OPERATION, AT, THE END OF A PIER WHILE THE BAND 1s PLayING—WHAT RELATION 18 HE TO THE DARLING OPERATED UPON? st a Saar as a oer Te Es i - SW rT a / \ \ ’ : — < j NS re \ eo - - = —— 7 \ rt { te : i - ~ } aa AUN ell Py ) = AN

ied ——— i Sans ma. So Bl gan | Wi ae ey \ + 2 ¥ a)

THE CROWDED STREETS. a Now, y, Missus. . THERE’ 8 NO Busses, KitcH ‘oLD or My HARM, AND [’LL TAKE uXER OVI OveR ’

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—s IIe ea em Ae ay ly ’ HALF A CENTURY HENCE. (Sztracts from the Diary of Evetyn Pepys ONES. be 8. This being my birth-day, my wile ves me a new gun, and the | lease of a good moor, both bought with her saved pin-money. How much wiser is this way of spen her s money | is thie way of spending her spare ing it ly on acres of finé dresses, as our grandmothers were | wont to do some beg As ago! And what hideous frights they looked in their Crinoline and flounces, and feathered rk-pie hats and cramping high-heeled its, the Punch papers of the period, which one sees in every drawing-room, sufficiently well prove. “ September 1. A glorious day’s shooting with my friend Cracksnor in Suffolk We start quietly at ten after a cigar, and bag ten brace apiece before we have our lunch. Total bag at finish five-and-twenty brace of birds, leash of hares, two couple of rabbits and a snipe; all, except the latter, shot fairly from a point. How much more pleasant this t the un- sportsmanlike old way of gomg out in a great y without a single pointer, an counting one’s day’s pleasure only by the | uantity of game that one could bag! uch follies as battues are now com- l@tely out of date, and it is thought the eight of snobbism to endeavour te revive them. Certainly in some respects weshave improved ipon our ancestors, although, judging by their writings, they thought themselves as near perfection as was pos- sible to be.” WISH FOR JULY. Schoolboy. It don’t rain, Ma, at least not much. You might let a fellow go out. Ma. Charles, I will not hear of it, and your pertinacity is disrespectful to a parent. It rains fast, and your new clothes will be entirely spoiled. Schoolboy. No, they won't, Ma. Ma. I repeat that they will, Charles. Don’t look black at the weather. We have always rain at this time. —-. I wish there was no 8t. on ay. (Scratching paint off some- where. Mepicat Domestic Economy. — Stale bread is a very effectual check to juvenile consumption. TOO DELICATE BY HALF. Sensitive Party. “‘Hot1o! Hop ’arp a MINNIT, MARY, YOU'RE A SMOTHERING VUN WITH Dust!’ JONES'S MEDITATIONS. THAT man may be considered happy iy his choice who can take his wife dow, Regent Street without stopping at shawl-shop. Mont‘rous is the appetite of youth| Nevertheless untoasted muffins are no easily demolished. As thorns are to the rose, so are pin to lovely woman. A female in full dre: is never unprotected. It is said that, as a rule, favours ough{ to be returned. But to this rule clearly there are some exceptions. Who fu instance ever dreams of returning Wed. ding Favours? Surely that man may be envied wh ean eat pork chops for supper and slee without a grunt. Milliners’ bills are the tax which th¢ male sex has to pay for the beauty of the | female. Alas! my son, how fleeting is al | earthly bliss! Did you ever meet a may who greatly cared for turtle soup afte the fourth plateful ? SONG BY MR. SOWERBY. AT AN EVENING PARTY. MANY a couple past us whirls, Fine young fellows, handsome girls. Pleasing spectacle to view, Spectacles albeit through. Madam, mark yon fair young maid ; Sir, observe that well-built blade. Once, perhaps, like her and him, You were graceful, smart, and slim WISH FOR AUGUST. The Sovereign, I am sure, my dear Lory PaLMErston, that I am glad to release yo from your labours Lord Paluwers‘on. Permit me to beg your Majesty, that you will not call them so. Some of the older men feel them, bu: as for me— The Sovereign. Well, well, but we mus not spur a willing horse. I am very happy to think the holidays begin. Lord Palaerston. I wish there was n¢ Prorogation Day. (Bowing). WHEN you open your heart, be alway | ready to slam it to again. Jones *neparrs A LITTLE SURPRISE FoR AIS MARY ANN, AND HAS HIs EQUESTRIAN Porrrart TAKEN. He remarks, “’ANo rT you KNow, 1r I po HAVE MY CARTE pons, I pon’r ser wuy I sHovipn’r ’Ave My 'ORSE!” WISH pane Old Go oung fo en notic Piacrns |} tough anc te Londo: Young | no Micha MR. 8C Corn is r So are t Manyacn Marked Thus, wh grain Dot wh rye, Fields pre Only to AGRICUI —lIa conse crease of districts, employ t Clod-crusl Ir you s mat in the are you sh Pneumati When y: mind you ey. Tae Nev THE GLADs —Vino de Quortu G If oF “Tf us p Zure y

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girls. naid ; de. m, WISH FOR SEPTEMBER. Young Goose, Sss—sss—sss— sss! Old Goose. Hold your bill, you young fool, you are only attract- ing notice. I said so. Farmer Piactiys has his eye on you. J’m tough and safe, butain’t you going to London? Young Goose. Me—oh—wh— what d’ye mean? Old Goose. To-morrow'sthe 29th , September, my child. Young Goose. I wish there was no Michaelmas Day. (struggling.) - MR. SOWERBY’S SEASONS. AUTUMN. Corn is ready to be cut ; So are tares and poppies too. Many acrop istouched with smut, Marked with spots of sable hue. Thus, when ears of mildewed grain *. Dot wheat, barley, oats, and rye, Fields present one yellow stain Only to the jaundiced eye. AGRICULTURAL IMPROVEMENT. —In consequence of a great de- crease of crime in the rural districts, the farmers, generally employ the County Police as Clod-crushers. Ir you stumble over your new mat in the passage, what science are you shown to have neglected? | Pneumatics. When you wind up your affairs, mind you use the right watch- | key. THE GLADSTONE REDUCED DvutIEs. —Vino de Tarifa. 4 | Tre New SpanisH WINE, UNDER | | \ Wikia” 2 ms i ! } j — GOING NORTH. ‘Turis CARRIAGE Is EncaGep !” HALF A CENTURY HENCE (Extract from the Diary of EvELYN Pepys JONES.) Sept. 7. The cheap nights at the Opera having now commenced, I treat my wife and her mamma to a couple of pit stalls, for each of which I pay two shillings, use of opera-g included. How thankful we should be that the Verpi reign is over, and that the tide of favour has again set in for Gttick, Rossrn1, and Mozart! The same good taste is shown, morcover, at thetheatres. Trashy farces and burlesques no longer are considered the main features of our stage; and now that managers have sense enough to abolish fees to box-keepers, and all such impositions, to ventilate | their theatres and make comfort- | able seats, and to limit each per- | formance to the playing of one piece, the drama is of course in a most flourishing condition. ACROBATIC ARITHMETIC. (For the use of Proprietors of Places of Public Entertainment.) Turee sturables make one fall, Three falls, one broken neck, Three broken necks, one success, Three successes, one inquest. Fact or Common Lire.—Youth is commonly considered to be in- genuousand inexperienced The common, however, is a field of observation. on which we may learn that, notwithstanding all that is said of green geese, 2 young goose is much more downy than an old one. DESCRIBE A Home-Circir.— The Wedding Ring. EPITAPH UPON A CAT. So rare her virtues, it were shabby Not to lament my faithful tabby: She lived as pure asany roach, She died “ sans Purr, etsans reproche !* THE VESTRY FIAT. To your new-fangled ways and means, We still prefer our stale ways : We'll neither have street-railway trains, Nor yet have Tra1n’s street-railways. A FAIR RETORT. Qvorx Gites from the Dock to my Lord on the Bench, Who with poaching offences was twitting him : “If us poachers do live by the znaring o' hares, Zure you lawyers do live by the splitten ’em.” A LITTLE SHOOTING IN IRELAND. “No uit acary, I'm Arrarp, Trt!” “OQ, NIVER MIND, YER 'ONOR! SURE, YE DO IT VERY NIST. TUERE’S SOME JINTLEMEN NOW COMFS, ANL THEY B TAY. ’ ¥ ‘ ’ 1 . rN 3 MES, A} Y BLAZE AWAY, AND THEY WOWNDES THE Poor BiRRDS igs AND THE WINGS, AND SUCH LIKE, LUT YER ’ONoR! O, YE Fines, AnD Fmes, anp ALWAYS Misses ‘em, CLANE axv CLEVER !” - att

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a Ly . WISH FOR OCTOBER. Blegant Stranger. Don’t name it, amg Allow me to help you over the crossing. These London omnibuses are very reckless, and Pickrorp’s van-men are all ruffians. Old te I = sure you - very polite, Sir. I am very muc obliged to you, Sir. ms Blegant Stranger. The obliga- tion is on my side, M’m. Good morning. (Dives down Court.) Old Lady (hand in pockd). O! O Lor! O, I’m robbed, I’m poc- ketpicketed, I'm swindled ! General Public. What's the mat- ter, old girl? Old Lady. 1 wish there was no Dividend Day. (Quivering.) HINT BY ONE WHO MAKES , CALLS. Tae last infirmity of noble minds ‘ Is squinting at you through Venetian blinds. A Foou's Apvice.—Under Lu- nar Influences, says ZaDKIEL, “ begin new undertakings.” This recommendation can only be addressed to the insane members of Necropolis Companies. TaeaTRricaL Novetty.~—A New Equestrian Domestic Drama is roduced at Astley’s. The Heavy ‘ather rides 20 stone ! LATEst FROM Paris.—The po- pular requirement to “‘ Wait for the Waggon ” obviously denotes a four-gon conclusion. Oh! THe CORPORATION ON THE Biockape. — Plenty of pods among us ; but no cotton. | i= >=. a Dic SN THE VOLUNTEER MOVEMENT. Small Effective. ““—AND THEN, JUST LOOK AT THE oo IMPROV EMENT IN THE PE OUR FELLOWS: v SANITARY DIRECTIONS FOR SERVANTS. (For the Nursemaid.) | | HI The hotter your nursery is kept yy | the better, or the children will a *) weet | be sure to catch cold. For the r same reason insist on curtains bi +3 | tothechildren’s beds, and always ~S SS draw them close. If your mistress is unreason- able enough to take them down, | = can put up a shawl, or blan- | ket, when she leaves the room. | Be sparing of cold water, and | indeed of the bath generally. The instinct of infants protests | against washing, in spite of the j tar # | inhuman prejudice in its favour — now peeve. — ‘ If you meet an acquaintance when walking with the children, - Fine stop and chat, especially when a the wind is East. It will harden t= the little things—a great point fe} | in this variable climate. iH \ } Always use pins in the under- | \ clothing of infants. Strings will come off. An occasional prick f | ' l — a wholesome stimulus : i } to the infantine lungs. PAN Ta Always give children whatever I he they cry for. Nature teaches them : to express their wants, which it would be cruelty to thwart. = Give bread and butter, sweet- = meats, &c., between the chil- dren’s meals. It will prevent them over-eating themselves. Always keep your foul linen — near at hand. A dirty frock or SS stticoat may often come in =" andy in the absence of dusters ——. or towels. Wash the floor of the nursery often. The evapuration will as- similate the atmosphere indoors to that outside, and save the SRSONAL APPEARANCE OF children from sudden changes of temperature. NaturAL.—The old woman who boiled her tea in her stewpan was misled thereto by hearing that tea isstrongest | colliery explosions, which are of so frequent occurrence, ’ when “it’s stood.’ Natvurat Inpienation.—Why did M. Du Caartuv get so be it enacted that every miner on descending into the coal- pit, shall be required to take his Davy. angry as he did when he was chaffed about the Gorilla? Apvice To Crown Lawyers. — Employ a hydropathic Because his monkey was up. | doctor, if you want to pack a jury. 2SsSSss SSS LE SS) ow ~ ( —— f \ A) ENGLISH DARLINGS REFLECTED IN A FREN LEGISLATION ON THE Sarety Lamp.—To prevent those | A SWAMES DID SRO A True PutLanruropist.—A female begging impostor importuning a memper of the Mendicity Society to give her a ‘‘copper,” the benevolent gentleman replied that she should have one, if she would only leave off begging, and take in washing. Music Reapity Acquirrep.—Stealing a March. 2 — _ a YOu EVER}. anal wT Hy LO GR /ROSES in THe COUNTRY y CH MIRROR! (DEDICATED TO THOSE POLITE AND PROFOUND OBSERVERS OF BRITISH MANNERS AND CUSTOMS—THE PARISIAN ARTISTS {) BANI TAKE C2 nk the reens. ‘I ur mist bles, wh he cook, ¢ ffect can Never le jave anyt! lou tell w! Nail dov the only md face-ac Never se ff the tin 0 tales.” Keep yo resser. J nto the ya Never ws hey will | mer. Keep yor ihe cold m sason for ictuals. If your n ractice of « are she al ou can 8a p,” and it ng her of { A VOICI A Goon d ‘ softening nd really 1 lo talk suc! ell believe that is, to CoMMERCL. o a trade « ompany, F he finer de heretofore in vigorous ireece. WHEN you hat the vlov

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1862. SANITARY DIRECTIONS FOR SERVANTS. (For the Cook.) Take care always to throw down the nk the water in which you boil your reens. The effluvium tend to deter ur mistress from ordering m vege- bles, which are always troublesome to e cook, and out of which little credit or ffect can be got. Never let your fire down, whether you ave anything to cook or not. How can ou tell when it may be wanted? Nail down your kitchen windows. It the only way to avoid draughts, colds, md face-aches. Never scour your stew-pans. It wears ff the tinning, and ‘‘ cooked dishes tell 0 tales.” Keep your pig-wash tubs under the resser. It will save you many a walk nto the yard. Never wash pudding-cloths or dusters. hey will only want washing again the mer. Keep your pantry-windows shut. If ORGANIC REMAINS. DEAR ALMANACK, I’m a man of few words ! I was Poet! Painter ! Mathematician ! Essayist ! Now: Iam mad. Stark mad! I’m in the Strand! In the Strand! I’m in Dixies’ Land ! I’d choose to be a Daisy | I’ma Perfect Cure! , - I Love you then as now | I’m old Dan Tucker! I'm Limerick Races ! I Wish I was with Nancy! Don’t I Love my Mother ! I'm not the Queen. Ha! Ha! I live in a “Quiet Street,” and am re- moving to Hanwell! 0 8! Water-cresses! Organs! Brass Band! Organs! Penny Papers! Organs ! Water-organs, Brass-cresses, Paper- bands have done it! Police ! Police! FRaxtTicus. MR. SOWERBY’S SEASONS. ulus BB e cold meat don’t keep, all the more WINTER. Lever aaa Se your getting rid of broken oor waa a sheet of snow, ‘he ctua 5 4 If your mistress is given to the bad How the dheeks of Beauty glow f , t ractice of coming into the kitchen, take Ruddier still is Beauty's nose : weet- are she always finds things in a litter. No more water can you draw ; , chil- ou can say, “you were just clearing Ice must melt in cistern first svent p,” and it. will probably end in break- Then, as soon as comes a thaw, 3. ng her of the habit of interference. All your water-pipes will burst. linen ok or A VOICE FROM THE GORILLA. A coop deal has been said about the ‘softening influence” of female society, nd really ladies when they get together o talk such sad nonsense, that one may ell believe their intercourse is softening that is, to the brain.”—Our own Brute. WISH FOR NOVEMBER. Mrs. Lovechiid. Henry, dear, I wish you’d run up to the nursery. I think I smell smoke. Mr. Lovechild. Pooh, nonsense, you're always fan ying something. _, Enter Janz, O, if you please, M’m—O, if you please, Sir, Master Recrvaup has set hisself and all the beds a-fire with that gunpowder as he got out of the 4, CoMMERCIAL INTELLIGENCE.—According ——— > ee Roming candles master didn’t let off. 0 a trade circular issued by a Cockney — = i a Mr. Lovechild. 1 wish there was no Guy ompany, Florence and Lucca, whence — a = ~~ S Faux Day. (Swea¥ing.) he finer descriptions of oil have been nt . heretofore imported, are ——— —_ _ vigorous competition by the Iles o 7 IPN r ry - Ir I send away an o7 -grinder by L_., ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER. ; on Let oy one & Wuewn you strike a balance, expect Tur Lazy Orcan GRINDERS HAVE HAD IT ALL THEIR OWN WAY WITH THE MonkEYs—NOW | nothing? Because I have gained a four- hat the Ulow will be returned. THEN—CHANGE ABovrT ! | penny Peace. \! \ = ~> . so ~ A GORDIAN KNOT FOR ROBINSON. Mies Sdina Hardman. “‘ Wovip you Be so Goon, Sir, As To GIVE ME A Leap Over?”

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1862. WISH FOR DECEMBER. Mr. Bachelor Huncle. A happy Christmas to you, niece, and to your family. Mrs. Married Niece. Thanks, dear uncle, but we won't be lum: together like that. Here, come in all of you, kiss your dear uncle, and I dare say he'll show that he re- members you. Come in ELLE, Jemma, Grorce, WALTER, Maria, Toppizs, Trppie, and here Basy Biopsy, come and kiss uncle. There, another kiss from baby, because that was a sad slobber—there, uncle, wasn't that nice? Mr. B. H. I wish there was no Christmas Day. (Wiping his mouth and feeling in his pocket.) Apvice To Eventnc-Party Grivers.—Don't ‘‘ keep the Ball a-going”’ till you weary out your guests. A fete de nuit too often proves a fséte a’ ennwi. THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON. For a Christmas A mistletoe- b For a Christmas dun— A dismissal-toe kick. i” Tue Rea Drsner Revormer.—Kixe Arruur, when established the Round Table. but the pheasant and partridge owe 4 ‘ Wty bh » ? PRN // 4 dacs Mg Bae Pers or THE County Bencu.—Birds of prey are principally defended by their talons ; their chief protection to their Beaks, which are very formidable to poachers. naively answered, “‘ | fear, Sir, you are putting © carte.” if t Near.—Young Nimrop, being asked by a lady for his photo- ph, pleaded that his hunting did not give him time to sit for it. which the lad the horse before on it is good for. mixing, and s forms is an unmixed evil. neat Cognac if genuine is unmixed good. Tl DTU OOO AZ Wi wrens tia Ay Yi Vi} ff y }} Wn // j Wi , y Famiiiar Sprrits.—The United Kingdom Alliance tries bard persuade us that alcohol in all Nevertheless certain it is that Gle that) to N Y)p It is a tron, a washer- » an idle boy, used “ Ite Tites” —The phrase is of classical origin. corruption of the exclamation of a Roman ma Hionty-Ticnrry. who when irritated by her son ally to cry ungrami@m woman, A_FAMILY GROUP—BABY STIRRING THE PUDDING. j UMMING may fix what of the reign of peace ; , that Manchester has inaugurated the Mill- riod he likes for the commencement mut the fact is Propnecy FOR THE PEorPLE. —Dr. C ennium | | eacly, and several officers , the ruling star of thieves, politan police-force, who have been studying music, fal ante Vorces or Tne Stars. — Mercur: now instigates a juvenile prig to ef the metro SONG BY MR. SOWERBY. THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON. ** Merry Christmas and happy New Year !” How merry a Christmas ’twould be, I faney, for all of us here, Next twelvemonths if we could foresee. ** Wish you happy New Year !"—but affliction What blessing to bar can avail? Many subjects of that benediction Have, ere the year’s ond, gone to gaol. A Srock Joxe.—The proprictor of 1 pen of Hampshire prize-pigs observed at the Cattle Show, “ Lookee there, mun ; that there’s a speciment of my penmanship.” CHRISTMAS WEIGHS. Tuer Boxes on my patience, The Bills on my pocket, The Pudding on my stomach, and The Pantomime on my spirits. Licnt Boss.—The Fleas volunteer, and are universa voted a crack regiment.

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i It isa tron, a washer- an idle boy, used y her son, rase is of classical origin. mation of a Roman ma‘ dite Tites” who when irritated b ion of the excla ungrammatically to c ; Hianry-Tianty.—The ph | woman, the Mill- ted ! |The gentleman peremptorily ordered him to proceed, asserting that there was a thaw and the road was all right. But he was prou | to say that he stood by his order, and the gentleman and lady had to get out (applause) in the cold. (Zenewed applause.) The action, how- ever, was its own reward, for the gentleman refused to pay him a farthing (shame), and defied him to summons him (murmurs). which, for reasons that might occur to them (laughter), he did not do. He | would impress on ‘his friends the necessity of demanding from all fares an exact statement as to where they wanted to go. (Cheers.) THE CABMAN AND HIS ENEMY. A CHRISTMAS Meeting of the Cabman’s Club took place last week, when very gratifying statements were made as to.the prosperity of the association, and the noblest sentiments were freely ventilated. The cabmen declare themselves resolved to stand by their order, and, as one of them wittily remarked, the public will never be able to get them off that Stand. e painful stories were, however, narrated, which serve to show +, that M ’ riod he likes for the nee a wr ng of the reign of peace ; | corrupt as f 3 — ca K Ss = 4 =z 2 _ o a = 2 S - = + E at ‘& : a é ut the fact is ennium. , the ruling star of thieves, > ihe acly, and several officers who have been studying music, to a juvenile prig politan police-force, of the metro os onte Vorces or tne Stars. — Merc now instiga' Som the brutality of the cab-hiring public towards the meritorious men who convey them to their business or their pleasure. _ Mr. Jenvu Tuone, driver, stated that he was hired by a lady and her sister, the other night, to convey them from the Hanover Square ms to Spring Gardens. There had been a charity concert at the Rooms, and he humbly thought that the spiyit of charity should have actuated these ladies even beyond the precincts of the rooms. (Hear, hear.) He had, on arriving at Spring Gardens, demanded half-a-crown, when the elder lady, in the meanest manner evading a reply until the door was open, and she and her sister were in the hall, called out her husband, who was lurking over his newspaper in the parlour, men- tioned the demand, and said, “ Pay him, p aeons The cowardly trick was successful, and he, Mr. TuonG, was obliged, from terror of the oppressive law, to say that he had asked eighteen-pence only, which was but three times his fare. (Cries of “ Shame.’’) Mr. E. Stastisn Raw, driver, could relate a worse case. A man, so elegantly dressed that he supposed he must call him a gentleman, but a man was a man for a’ that (cheers), hired him at the door of the Reform Club, and directed him to drive to Berkeley Square. It was raining hard. On arriving at the house, his fare desired him to ring the bell. He was a cab-driver, not a servant, and he flatly refused to descend for any such purpose. Why should he let his seat get damp ? What was the fiendish revenge of his fare? He got out, rang the bell, and when the door opened, looked at his watch, and the clock in the hall. “ Keep that man waiting thirteen minutes,” he said to the pampered menial, “and then pay him,” he added,. putting a coin into the latter’s hands, and going up-stairs. He, Raw, waited, and at the thirteenth minute the savage vassal, with a cruel grin handed him— sixpence. (Prolonged sensation, and cries of “ Shame !”’) Mr. Fuanxer Firznacker, driver, was hailed by a gentleman at the door of the Princess’s Theatre, just after Christmas, and took him and two ladies up. He was told to go first to Baker Street, and having set down one of the females, was desired to proceed to the Regent’s Park. He drove a little way, when, recollecting that the theatre was nearly over, and that he should lose other fares, he pulled up, and represented that the ground was too slippery for his in. Mr. Stanessy Kwace, driver, had to take a lady and two children from a doctor’s house in Cavendish Square to Connaught Terrace, Edgeware Road. As one of the children was ill, he thought the woman’s heart would: have been softened, but she refused to pay him three shillings, and sent out her brother, who blowed him up for half an hour, and sent him away with a shilling, taking his card, and humili- ating him in full view of a public-house. (Sensation.) He thought it ought to be law that the person as hired a cab were to pay for it, and it should be misdemeanour for anybody else to interfere. (Loud Cheers.) Other heart-rending cases were narrated, and the indignation of the | meeting was greatly excited. Strong resolutions were passed, POETRY FOR A BISHOP. Tue Bisnor of SautsBury’s opening attack upon the Rey. Row- LAND WILLIAMS, in respect of the latter’s share in Essays and Reviews, was rather uncivilly handled by Dr. Dgang, and denounced as clumsy. We suppose the Bishop is aware that there was such a person as SuaxkspEargE, and if his Lordship had condescended to search King John, he would have found, ready framed for him by the poet, and actually put into the mouth of Salisbury, a better description of the objectionable volume than any which Dr. Puriimore could frame. Salisbury says, “In this, the antique and well noted face Of plain old form is much disfigured, And like a shifted wind unto a It makes the course of thoughts to fetch about, Startles and frights consideration, Makes sound opinion sick, and truth suspected For putting on so new a fashioned robe.” If the divine Witt1aMs, we do not mean the divine, WILLIAMs, whom the Bishop is persecuting, ever hit exactly upon anything, it was upon the Lssays and Reviews when he was penning the above lines. BisHor Punch commends them to his brother Bishop, and with them the other SatispurRy’s resolution to abandon a mistaken course, to eschew the use of misapplied force, and abide by ‘* A happy newness that intends old right.” VOL, XLII. B

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 4, 1862, PROPOSED — STATUE. HN NY tf iin \ E hear that the friends of Cox and total abstinence in // toxicated by their recent triumph, and not less elated than omteens at getting their little Permissive Bill so pene discounted, propose to the vietory y erecting an Equestrian Statue of that hero. We believe if is scarcely consistent - etiquette to put M.P. upon a bronze Bu personages and WELLINGTON claiming exclusively ‘ak am equine dis- tinction. In Finsbury, howeveg, while friendship is | geome in marble, such notions are buried with animosity in dust. Cox studied _his and has profited by his researches. for his model his illustrious namesake WILLIAM THE Qu as = fieree warrior sprang with a pole at the head, so orator leaps mirabile dictu to the a of io “The Dugald Dailgetty of politicians, what is recorded of that learned soldado might be po Pa of this seneliy sol! soli- citor, who rushes into the mélée brandishing genstern, and comes fresh out of it with Sas wet water eolours. “And pray, Captain Dalgetty,” ship, “since the pretensions of both parties seem to ne so equal, you please to inform us by what circum- stances your preference will be dete: ?”—* Simply upon two considerations, my Lord,” answered the soldier ; “being, first, on which side my services would be-in ape honourable request ; and, 'y, whilk is a corollary of the first, by w party ‘they are Tikely to be most fully requited. ” Don Qurxote could not have displayed a more romantic rness than Cox exhibited to attack and vanquish Wind-Mills. A ielieles Be eatage sad education, whenever there is need of fighting, Cox, we may rest assured, will never show the white white feather. MANCHESTER SCHOOL. Tux annual Examination of Pupils in this ~~ Establishment for Young Gentlemen, took place on 5 mer Several Friends from Eeseavivanie were present, and a tee auibeal graziers who were indebted for their clebrit fo ek . Princi bras, 8.C.L. (Severely Cool Legislator) cond: the examination and distributed the rewanda of merit after s i address, in which he le some per- tinent ore on N. y, contending that a prudent country like a prudent couple, should not C a sing! le shilling on Balls or Shells, and that an Unprotected People an an Mentetal Female, in this age of Giada forbearance, when most defenceless was most secure. Danzy Drawer was then examined by Principal Brrexr. Q. What is A. The - of telling Fie mind without exposing yourself to ridicule or jon. . How many parts A. Two—one for pu g What i is an indefinite Article ? Leader in a Weekly Paper. o Wis is a disjunctive conjunction ? $ An extra-judicial separation—a one-sided dissolution of the united state attended by a aaoiiie on suit for the restitution of conj rights. Q. Give briefly an illustration of Newton’s law of attraction ? of s = are there ? and one for provincial and parliamentary like manner with reference to repulsion ? Gun-cotton. pd is Peace to be permanently maintained ? By separating the cotton from the gun. hy 1s calico so dear to every poor man ? it comes home to his bosom. What are the colours of the United States ? Stars and Stripes. 3 we they any Y ailitess significance ? . Define it. A. They indicate that the troops who bear them consider that the chances are equal when they go to battle, whether they will be glorified or whipped. (An interval of ten minutes—Examination resumed.) Q. Give an historical, geographical, and commercial summary of erica. A. Discovered by Coxumsus in 1492. It was christened by AmenrI- cus VespuTrus—an injustice which Conumswus felt keenly at ‘the time, although his admirers affirm that were he living now, he would con- gratulate himself upon his escape. With es to the latitude of SLOMOMOKONON Ateerien, that has never been accurately determined, greater latitude a Wie to it by England than by any other nation. hat are the natural products of that remarkable country ? o Rete Caucus, and Bunkum. @ Have those terms any equivalents in our tongu A. No. They are the watchwords of civil a STicious liberty, and will find their place in our Lexicons when the Institutions whic. : they represent are naturalised in our hearts. (Au interval of five minutes—Examination resumed.) . What is an affirmation . A Friend’s pos erm a Lord’s honour. | oo honour may be dispensed with if affirmations are preserved ? _ what character does Discretion most gracefully appear. A. As the better half of Valour. ¢ What proof is there that she is lawfully married? Because she always gives a kiss for a growl. The domestic felicity of this reply elicited loud and animated expréssions of praise. rincipal Braicut, with some slight emotion, then presented the fortunate student with a Star of pure , and a Dial which he stated had been got up at considerable expense, but which ap d to have very fantastic hands upon it, and was disfigured by a case. PRETTY LITTLE PUPILS. Some people have curious domestic pets. Such evidently are they who put the suljoined advertisement into a country newspaper :— j ANTED, in a Farm House, a NURSERY GOVERNESS, to take pe “4 of three young children. Salary not to exceed £6.—Apply K, Gazette ice, Lor The three young children in a Farm House mentioned in the foregoing notification, are evidently piglings, for whom their fond and eccentric owners propose to hire a nursery governess to commence educating them for learned pigs—at rather low wages. Any young lady accepting the situation of instructress of those little e swine, may, of course, expect to be treated as one of the family. Christmas Waits. Yes, and so does England too, and that most anxiously, for an answer from America. ‘We trust with all our faoner and cosmo- politan heart that it may be favourable and of a pense ful ba so that it may prove an auspicious commencement of a Happy New Year ! Justice to IRELAND.—The O’DonoGuve ceases to be a Justice.

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Janvary 4, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 3 OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. EALLY, my dear Punch, Mr. Bovcrcavtt is somewhat of an enviable man. Not many stage-writers have hit the public taste with more success than he, or have jumped to such high favour by a single leap. His Colleen Bawn has been ¢he theme of the past dra- matic year; even MonsIzuR Fecuter’s Hamlet has _ not been so much talked about. When the play was put aside for the seubaclicn of the Octo- roon, everybody wondered at the premature withdrawal. With a house crammed to the ceiling every evening as it was, the attraction of the Colleen was clearly unabated. Indeed, I rather think it was the general belief that, if such had been his ; pleasure, its author might with ease have won the title of ‘ the Hero of Five Hundred Nights.’ Some- how, people never seemed to tire of seeing that “tremendous » and went over and over again until they must have almost known the piece by heart. After all, the public is itself the best advertisement. Once get a good name for no matter how indifferent a play, and there is no saying how long you may hang out your flaming posters on the outer walls, while by your anthence sttendants the cry is ‘still they come.’ “Whether the Octoroon will rival the Colleen in public favour is doubtful, not so much from the merits of the play, as from the reason that the public is a rather fickle patron, and sometimes after patting people on the back is apt for no anal cause to turn its face against them. Great successes very often are succeeded by an things that follow in the wake of what has been commended are, with- out , om reason, publicly condemned. ‘ Sensation’ scenes, moreover, on which such dramas as the Octoroon and Colleen Bawn depend, are apt after a while to pall = the palate, as one’s emotional capacities by usage get worn out. ‘To my thinking, a bit of genuine good acti is more netinaty attractive than a myriad of seenes which are depend on mere brushwork and stage-grouping for effect. Thus, when I saw the Colleen the last night it was played before this Christmas week revived it (that being, said the play-bill, the two hundred and eighty- fourth) the part I most enjoyed was the sly humour of the interview between Myles and the Priest. Mr. Boucicav.t in this more showed his power as an actor than any number of his headers would give him scope to do. Actors, and not acrobats, are what I care to see; and anything that chances to interest my mind I can see a second time with os yp enjoyment than scenes which are attractive merely to my eyesight. “ As far as its attractiveness is generally concerned, the Octoroonmis cer- tainly improved by being altered. Of course there are some people who find fault with the amendment, and who suggest that as tastes differ, and some playgoers delight in being made extremely miserable, the heroine should try to please both sorts of her admirers, by killing herself one night and marrying the next. This would give relief to the thonotony of acting the same drama every evening throughout a lengthened rum, and would have too the advantage that all who felt dissatisfied with either way of ending might repeat their visit and applaud the other. Were SHAKSPEARE living now to write ‘sensation’ dramas, he might, to please the public, make Ofhello kill Jago three nights in the week mstead of venting his blind wrath upon the virtuous Desdemona. More- over, Hamlet might be altered so as to-end happily, Ophelia being rescued and restored to reason, just in time to rush on in the middle of Act V., and —— her brother from sticking the Crown Prince, who, having killed the King, might wed her row Be happy. “Mr. Boucicautr can well afford to be a little joked at, for they laugh most who win, and his drama, as now played, will for a fair while the house for him. By altering it to suit the inclinations of the merry rather than the melancholy, he will doubtless please the great majority of people, who entertain a healthy preference for seeing plays end happily. However much they may enjoy to use their handkerchiefs | occasionally while the plot proceeds, as a rule a British audience likes t be right at last; and so long as their dear Octoroon is saved from being poisoned, the house won’t care to criticise the rather hack- neyed way in which she is preserved. In their joy to see her’ rescued from the Villain of the piece (well Le ge by Mr. Emmry, I think they must admit), they will not quarrel with the stale device of huddling on the characters to form a tableau when the curtain drops ; nor will they cavil at Miss Dora for accepting Salem Scudder in a jiffy when he asks her, although she loves another and knows he does the same. Neither will they stare to see this lady and her guardian appear in the last scene in spotless unstained dress, after having tracked the Villain a victim through forests which have torn her clothes half off her back. “ Humour and pathos are well blended in the drama; the dry ’cute Yankee sayings of Mr. Salem Scudder and the droll fun. of the old Nigger (a most life-like bit of acting), alternating neatly with the love of poor Zoe, and the scenes that move our pity and our horror at her lot. There is abundance of quick action in the ie pines, so that all throughout the interest never fan: while by tion to stage- grouping and (except as I have hinted) all the minor details, a semblance of reality is Y ay to each scene, which very greatly heightens the general effect. The excitement of the Slave e, and the rush across the stage when the steamboat is on fire, and the Villain has pushed; off from her with Zoe in his skiff,are admirable specimens of what may be effected by having minor parts well filled, and getting supernumeraries well up to their work. Even the great ‘header’ scene appeared to me quite tame after these ‘sensation’ ones ite so new to me): and if, depended chiefly on the e, and the Arkansas run. “OnE wHo Pays.” (partly owing doubtless to its not being as some have fancied, the success of the Cave Scene, I think the Ship on Fire, the Slave Duel ought to give the Octoroon a like pro’ TO THE LADIES OF BRITAIN. (Important.) Tue British manufacturers complain that they are allowed very in- sufficient space at the International Exhibition, and that they shall be able to do no justice to themselves. The directors do not know what to do, and heartily wish that they had constructed the building of India- rubber, so that it might have been stretched out ‘to Hammersmith, if necessary. One idea has occurred to them in their , Sheffield, where steel is chiefly manufactured, is earnest in itscomplaints of want of room. The directors appeal to the ladies of England :on behalf of the town that * Fo those bars of steel That atm AvRELIA with the shape to kill.” In a word, it is in contemplation to announce, that room must be made for the exhibition by the exclusion of Crinoline. The official notification is not yet out, but Mr. Punch, who is in the secret, at once gives his lovely friends the hint. Surely, between this and May, their exquisite taste will enable them to devise a dress that shall not, like Mars, cover nine acres of ground. Why should Venus——but we have mislaid our Lempriére, and may mull the classical compliment. We trust, however, that the ladies will do us the justice to admit that we told them what was coming, and if they don’t believe us, let them wait till they see the turn-stiles now in course of erection. They are those from the Parisian Bourse, turn-stiles which the Emperor has ordered to be taken away, and which M. Foutp has disposed of to the Commissioners here. “ARMA VIRUMQUE CANO.” We copy the following from the Débats, who gives it as “a curious | specimen of the tolerance of the police authorities of Warsaw, being a permission signed by the Prefect of Police” :— **T authorise the bearer of the present card, M. ——, to carry a cane, even with an iron ferule at the end, and this on account of his advanced age and the weakness of his legs.” “ PILSUDSKI.” Some countries, like Austria, are priest-ridden ; others, like poor Poland, are police-ridden. We wonder if permission is required from the Polish Prefect to carry an umbrella, “ even with an iron ferule at the end,” the reason assigned “ being on account of the rainy season and a tendency to rheumatism in his (the bearer’s) back.” It is curious in a country where the Government, knowing how culpable it has been, stands in awe of a cane, that knives and forks are not likewise looked — as dangerous weapons, and interdict ly. In truth, when a State is conscience-stricken, what is there that considered dangerous ? Razors, pitchforks, scythes, even of scissors, might inflict deadly wounds, and should be confided o: the most trustworthy persons. A Government that did its duty woul not be subject. to such miserable fears. The fact is, the Russian authorities, who govern so cheney in Poland, feel that they richly deserve the stick, and so are afraid, like cowards themselves. sa The Russian Empire, such as it, is generally described, with its body of brass and its feet of clay, will, if it does not take care, also be requiring some support some day, to keep it up, on account of the extreme “ weakness of its legs.” Eneiann’s National Reserve may hang back, but England’s Navat Reserve comes forward. cowa as they are, to | place one in the hands of anybody, for fear it might be turned against | | | | nip not be | a lady’s pair | to ’ id

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 4, 1862, ys Jd Bus Conductor (slamming the door). “ Futt Instore!” FPacetious Driver. “ Foutt Instpe! WELL—soO YER OUGHT TO BE > =_=>= ) : eager sb SSS. : ; YER HAD A SIRLOIN OF BREAD AND CHEESE FOR YER Tea!” “NO CARDS.” We observe that our sensible friends in Scotland are adopting a very wise plan. When a happy pair has been made a happy couple, the an- nouncement is duly made in-the papers, and after the notification that Arcurpatp Cameron Macrartane has been wedded to Jessie Fiona Farqunarson, comes the second notification “ No~ Cards.” This is, Mr. Punch repeats, a very proper thing. The tomfoolery of a ee of cards, fastened together with a bit of glorified twine, has, we believe descended to the inferior creation; but cards are still sent, and the consequence is, that at évery wedding mortal offence is sure to be given to somebody, who has been accidentally forgotten in the excitement, and who has read in the ‘book of Etiquette that the non- reception of cards implies that you are to be dropped—you are not a sort of person whom the husband wishes his wife to know. But if No Cards are sent, no grievance can arise. Mr. Punch only wishes that people would have the sense to apply a similar rule in the case of visits, that it was not thought necessary to go rushing over the Province of Brick called London to leave a piece of pasteboard at a door which you have not the least idea of entering. hy not do away with the nonsense? At all events, if these reminders are necessary, why not make Srr Rowianp Hutt carry them? Surely it is a higher compliment to send a card by a knight than to hand it to your vassal. Let us Post our Cards, until we abandon them altogether. Then the ladies will have time to fe to such a number of pleasant places with their husbands, instead of being obliged to irritate the latter by eternal refusals, based on the necessity of leaving cards at the Dz Borgs’, or the Firzsorners’. Mrs. Punch means, henceforth, to send all her cards by the post, and invites all her lady-friends to imitate her example until e time when No Cards shall be the universal rule. | THE ROWDIES’ MANUAL. (International) Do others as you would that others should not do you. Whatever is (American) is right. _ Get all you can by fair means. When these are exhausted, try foul ones. Brag is a good dog, and Bunkum is a better. : Bully a Britisher: flatter a Frenchman: respect a Rooshian: shoot a Southernes. . The only Argument for Joun Butt.—A_ Cow-hide. International Law.—What Stowe. laid down, and we walk atop of. Belligerent Rights—For the North: Whatever we choose to take. For the South: Whatever we like to give. The Old World says, “ A word and a blow.” We say, “ The blow fust —and as many words as you like arterwards.” (Domestic.) Never pick your teeth with a neighbour’s fork: use your own, or, better stil, employ your bowie-knife. ‘Ihe display of weapons inspires respect, and checks rudeness. ' 3 ; Things in which Nature recognises no Private Rights.—The free air of Heaven, the boundless Prairie, and a fellow-traveller’s tooth-brush. Apt Quotation. Ar a Piscatorial, that is, an Anglers’ Dinner the other night, a speaker, eulogising the pursuit of fishing, declared that nothing made men faster friends than a common taste for angling. “True,” remarked Mr. Punch, “ and this is what Polonius meant when he said, ** The friends thou hast The Same Concern. Pgortz ask, Which is law in the States, King Mob, or Almighty P It’s only two names for the same thing—the rule of the rowdy. Grapple them to thy heart with hooks of steel.” | A quotation which Mr, Punch hereby sends to M. FecutTer as a New | Year’s gift, and in testimony of high Shakspearian regard. “AONOD ‘NIT «iNVHLVYNOS “AAVH NOK TTIIM GND HOIHM iNANHL MON.

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Janvary 4, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

SIXTY-TWO ON THE SHORE. (DECEMBER 31, 18¢1.) Breatuess and blue stood Sixty-Two wee ee great ocean, Where together the Past and the Future ar cst, Tn a whirl of wild commotion. The little fellow looked blue and yellow, ith frost and with fear he shi ie andi As wave on wave did roar and rave, Till the very rock it quivered. “Jump in! Jump in!” said cig One, As out of the lh pe s bat Leen et, pot pcyete ad oe “ Jump in! Jump in! The waves beat strong, "eo spring-tide runs a brimmer ; Se dirk end the night is Long, Ti aed cae orient” “ Now out and alas!” said Sixty-Two ; “ That I this sea must swim Above me the shroud of the storm-swept cloud, Around me the sea-rack dim!” “The Past flows out in sorrow and doubt, rk rae cep mp ¢ of Christ ti the merry music mas time I hear the death-bell’s. din. “ Oh, ey wen in ae Bet ee bk Maula be Es aby pine a pe ere, Aevith inl > darkling sea, ith this baby arm for oar ! “ With never a moon to give me light, And never a Only the white of the foam-crest bright, And the harbour-lamps afar 8) seant of faith In mild reba, camel Sh aes Ne That there was light on hig h— And with an ica he took the deep, And breasted the surges high !

ELECTORAL FACTS. (Not Mr. Don’s.) Tae Nottingham election has ended in the election of Sm Ropert Curton, who has beaten } ema Lancotn. The New York (which is honestly earning awl pat it a from the South to irritate the North aguue Engh that the beaten candi- a a in an aristocrat-loving but that cone af of taco is hateful to Joun Bout just bee must bear. The truth seems to be that neither candi- of whom a constituency would have my reason to be violently prond, and that Cuurrow came in, like Cox, by making wilder og yy ele essions than his rival. He was, we see, ap ape pro A Be ge ERMAN RecKtEss, Lorp Lincoin Net Hans, who was ao! ear, trom the * violent hooting and yeling 0 Nottingham is proverbial ~~! known r its riots, and furnishes the pe a of a whence i aes ag be called Hatton Garden, but is "ll make the New York Herald a present of the fact that this is ~ second American defeat aed with N for GeneRAL Howe, who defeated the Americans at r) every American schoolboy knows, sat for Nottingham twelve ye “Besaly hove are materials for a anti-English ee nee eae may head it “Luycony and Buyer,” k ; yes, Sir/ cep your ao.

Palsifying a Proverb. 2 Tana. » aing shout o.caninin porty looking over Lincoln. But if Laxcony. is wicked enough tage ag nding not for him the ead Ina of being being ultimately overlooked by in question. Herald | pastimes such as “ Hunt ti A MISS-USE OF Tue Doctor Blimber style of teaching singed. at the Young Ladiew ‘Teebibes eg aa we copy from the columns of ro “ Mosreabe a? Buoresr Hoe oe Sorte ment in the amusements of the ride to the example set in our rar nin of nineteen

suited f for the are natural an ees ways of bodies which kei not be overworked. it other than a charming means of entertainment ployed. But it is one thing to hear music It 1s quite another to sit down and orm wi elbow, in all the awful silence of a say ing this is “welcome” to ay xe as well affirm that they like oping > that it aids their “ mental improvement to their minds can result from a long music, which the chance is 4 won't listen to, grurable at as being a great bere. Viewed merely as an exercise, dancing is a and not one to be sneered +S at a are of exercise will most likely be the To expect a lot of school-girls to yond os ye cate 1s as ya se as howe dang dae ar ea pean oO owagers whose dancing tastes are for ar a BoA a Vale kind. girls, let —_ rH — some oe, a goof b 2p tter relaxation for young girls he: a room and twiddling their young turn to thump away at the piano.

money for it. ar The cost and oe peace is proclaimed, their civilities. of civil war are never the two contending

in a republic. -room at MUSIC. in this notiee, whic an influential paper London Observer, by ea unding suburbs is every week would the and improved : ea Don’t let it be thought that Pusch would undervalue music, or think when - Ps properly em. and a@ master at one’s if yt codisiehe POOR RICHARD’S MAXIMS. Respectfully dedicated to all true Americans. BY THE SHADE OF BENJAMIN FRANKLIN. Tue best way of checking the extravagant cost of war is:to pay ready it ma school. As fo who are afflicted by it, you ool bread and butter; and culture,” itis dificult to fancy as for of ei wee fe ne a oe: is known by the noise it makes, as children cry the loudest in me aides dle dows A split in a sovereign is a wish bd ainialan, <a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 4, 1862, =“ 4 . AMENITIES OF THE SEASON. Gicantic Soiprmr. “ Tuck in your Twopenny, Old Man, and give us a light to my Pipe.” ASYLUM FOR DECAYED FUNAMBULISTS. Mowanrcus like mountebanks, says some spiteful philosopher, divide into two classes—stilt-walkers and rope-walkers. CHARLEs THE Frrst went upon stilts till he came to grief and broke down. James THE SEconpD and little Boma started on very tall timber, but were soon glad, for their personal security, to cut their sticks. Louis Puuiere adopting the juste milieu, obtained considerable applause by his performance on the horizontal rope, but his balance-pole suddenly snapping, he fell floundering among the soup-tureens of a Reform banquet. It is not every man that is qualified to shine in Funambulism. Poeta nascitur non Jit may, slightly modified, be applied to the lines of a circus, as well as of a DryDEN. Statesmen and gymnasts are alike stimulated by that vaulting ambition which occa- sionally o’erleaps itself and falls on the other side. The Minister, constrained to walk on the high rope, sedulously strives to avoid slips, but, like the acrobat, he sometimes has a hard struggle to keep his place. Funambulism at Astixy’s is most artistic—at St. Stephen’s most perilous. Buackmorg, with his star and spangles, gave a charming illustration of a kitten —- on warm tiles. AME Saqut, in her eightieth year, snatched a grace beyond the altitude of art. Buionpry, thet walking monument of Funambulism, thrilled the nerves, but did not impair the appetite of his most festidious admirers, as b . Crystal Palace Chef de Cuisine can vouch by the enormous consumption of veal pies. The Irish patriotic professor of Funambulism belongs to a less dignified order of artistes. His career is at once romantic and ridiculous. Smitten in early life by a burning desire for national admiration, he joins a strolling troupe, where in the equestrian arena, his awkward experiments on the extended corde provoke universal derision, and after some heavy spills in the sympathising sawdust, he retires from a profession which nature has not q ed him to adorn, with concealed but fierce disgust. Ar Clown to the rope, {could he but rise to that itinerant censorship, would now amply gratify his thirst for fame, but wanting natural sagacity, khowledge of the word, — to balance himself, and a proper estimate of his own strength, in vain he boasts of his talent for blowing a child’s trumpet, and that agility in jumping at conclusions which every fool exhibits who clings to a horse’s tail. | There is but one step from the sublime to the ridiculous. Disguising himself as an Irish rebel, the needy Merriman leaps with rope ‘and prop into a widow’s cabbage-garden, resolved at any sacri- fice—moral, not personal—to enter upon the haute école of political Funambulism. Need we record the wild catastrophe, and relate how he descends with a tremendous shiver, his head as by amiracle escaping from the noose which he had unwittingly tied for its reception ? Pasi Among our charitable institutions, is it not painful to think there are none. to which the broken-down political |, pe eee is admissible? If such an asylum now existed, an O’Brien might cultivate, in loyal obscurity, |the historical savoy, and Erin’s harp might neither be profaned by a traitor’s touch nor despised for sending over the Atlantic a note of preparation very like a wail, CHEAP AT THE PRICE. (The English of M. Troruone’s French.) Says Tropitone to the French— “What! Pull up or retrench ! Go for deficits sorrowing ! Make bones about borrowing ! cous of the millions, The billions, the trillions, That go in equipping Such troops and such shipping! You saadien, you ninnies, What.’s a few paltry guineas Compared to our glory, Our sfatus in story ? When our capital ’s tripled, Our enemies crippled, Sebastopol shattered, The Austrians scattered, The Chinaman battered His dragon-flag tattered, Our vanity flattered, As if the price mattered ! With our honey-bees hiving, Our public works thriving, New Boulevards a driving, New Companies striving, New Bubbles a-blowing, Debts and shares still a-growing— Drones, you talk of the money, That ’s sunk to make honey ! If we fly a few kites To keep up the flights Of the Eagles Imperial ; The amount ’s immaterial, * Compared with the Gloire, That from Seine unto Loire, From Somme to Garonne, Lights our lilies upon. Then silence, each grumbler, And pay up your taxes ; And show yourselves humbler To L’Emperevr that axes; While our Gallic cock crows Cock-a-doodles so pleasing, His throat, the world knows, Must need oiling and greasing. Let Joun Butt’s rulers want ; Leave the ass to his thistle ; But let France own she can’t Pay too dear for her whistle, While its music ’s ‘ Victoire / Vive ? Empereur, Vive la Gloire yo “As Mad as a Hatter.” We are curious to know what is the particular madness that hatters are so subject to, and why they should display above all other classes such peculiar excellence in that department of the fine arts, which meets with special shelter and protection at Bedlam. We intend instituting a Com- mission of Inquiry into this subject some day, and shall get Mr. Samve. Warren (Q.C.), or some equally eminent Master in Lunacy, to try the question for us. In the mean- time, we think we can venture to observe that the madness of a hatter must be, from the nature of his calling, peculiar ~ of those things that are said to be more easily felé than escribed. | fetes “ae SZ CSS eS Vv

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Janvary 4, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. A PROPOSITION THAT WE TRUST WILL QUICKLY BE CARRIED OUT. HE embarkation of _ the Guards has_ taken place. The next thing we hope to hear, and which will give us eq satisfaction, will be the embarkation of the Blackguards — we mean those treasonable Irishmen of the MrrcHeLt an Meacuer school, who have lately been pouring their vitriolic abuse on England, The best place to embark them for would be some convict settlement. his time, too, there should be no hope of pardon held out to any one of them, as the ungrateful wrete have only abused the latter grace in every sense, If the fools are wise, they: will leave the country at once before they are summarily. sent out. We are not so vindictive against Yankee Land as to wish they would join the Americans. We in ind should pity any cause, let it be ever so bad, that had the damnatory effect of their friendship. caren Se \ Wu ANOTHER AUTHOR’S APPEAL. To Mr. Punch. * Day after Boxing Day. ** “THOSE who live to please must please to live,’ as our great moralist, Dr. Samven Jonnson, has observed, and I feel that as a dramatic creator it is my duty to conform to the expressed wishes of my public. At the same time I confess that very grave questions arise a3 ; in my mind. « ‘In the Pantomime in which I have the honour of performing as | Clown, I have introduced a Baby (an artificial one), which infant, after ey various dramatic vicissitudes of fortune, is finally sat upon by myself and another character in the drama, I allude to the Pantaloon. ‘ “In the conception of this incident I was partially guided by my sense of the artistic fitness of the catastrophe, and partially by m | recollection that in former dramas of the class the same incident arouse | an excited interest, and that cries of ‘Poor little thing’ have more | than once emanated from impassioned females in the gallery. | may induce me to arrive, i “ Sir, the fate of the infant is now received either with shouts of laughter, or with indifference. “ Uncertain, at present, at what decision reflection on the subject would venture to call your attention toa consideration which seems to me a very grave one. Has the public | mind undergone a change upon the question of Infanticide ? Why has | the excitement ery ay and why, when I and my friend alternately sit down upon that Baby, does a London audience remain unmoved, or else go into convulsions of laughter ? “This is a grave question, Sir, and one which a conscientious dramatic creator cannot view with unconcern. “ T am, Sir, yours obediently, “ Theatre Royal.” “Tom MatrHEws.” The Free-Born American Citizen's Privilege. To make our Presidents, the right claim we : Whether with an “8, 1.” ora “C, BE.” TREASON. THe one predominating Reason which an Irishman of the Suir O’Brien stamp and howl and ingratitude, carries out literally to a ¢. THE CURE WORSE THAN THE DISEASE. Tue remedy Mr. Szwarp means to apply to JonaTHan’s bleeding extremities.—Canada-Balsam. prove that he has three hundred a yon and is in a a d containing name and address, to addressed C. ‘ ‘LINTON, hon that is, if you are very beautiful, as you say you are considered to BEAUTY GOING A-BEGGING. “ My pzarzst C. L., ! “Let me address you by your initials, since I can only guess the names they stand for. What are those pretty names? Caroline, or Cutoxz, Levitra or Laopamra ?—whose first letters are prefixed to the surname in the subjoined advertisement, which my eye, and set my heart on fire, when I read it in the Yorkshire _ was TED, a HUSBAND, by the advertiser, who can bring forward the most unexceptionable references as to character. Is twenty years of age, has no fortune, but is considered very beautiful. Age not considered ; but must ition. Letters, ‘ost Office, Hull. — N.B. This is a real, genuine, bona-fide advertisement “ Beloved being, my-weferences are first-rate. Inquire of my parish clergyman, my bankers:and my solicitor, whose addresses are herewith enclosed. I can prove to you that I have much more than three hun- dred: a-year, and I am ima position far above mere respectability. ie ~ an old ge ag: Age is not consi 3 = say, a elight me by saying so, am a very old’ gt . Lam eighty- anon and, as yomare twenty, we shall suit one another pel Your want of fortune is-no defect in my estimation, as I trust my want of hearing, and want of teeth,-and_want of temper, and all my other wants, are no defects. in yours. My chief want is the want of a nurse to take care of me, and I hope to find a nice one in you. I suffer from paralysis, and have one foot im the grave, so that if you marry me, you will be a widow in a very short time, and come into the enjayment of the handsome settlement which of course I mean to make on you— and oh! don’t you wish you may get it. Believe me, dearest, till death, which cannot be far distant, yours devotedly, * Narcissus SHAKESHANKS.” * Address:ta The Hummume, care of Mr. WALKER.” HOM@OPATHY IN HYDROPHOBIA. A Paver was lately read by M. Tourmoneert, before the Académie des Sciences, on the proposed treatment of hydrophobia on the hommo- ‘ean principle that like cures like. M. Tourmonart reminded his earers that the morbid poison which operates in the production of canine madness is a substance so extremely attenuated by dilution as to elude the researches of ehemistry, and that the venom of the serpent tribe equally defies analysis. M. t proposes, in cases of bite inflicted by a mad dog, to inoculate the patient with the poison of a rattlesnake. If a rattlesnake or a cobra, which would answer the same purpose, cannot be procured, he suggests that a substitute mighe be sought in the common viper. The distinguished savant concluded his essay with the expression of regret at not having been able to find any person willing to render himself the subject of experiment by submitting to be inoculated with the canine virus first and to let a venomous eptlle bite him afterwards. AMERICAN REAPING MACHINE. America, it seems, will not sleep on her laurels. A temperate ambi- tion would have felt no hunger after yodag a sewing-machine and a lock-stitch on the Potomac. The red-lipped Amazo Looete, Ww of bending over embroidery, forsakes the needle for the spear, standing at a reaping machine, looks forward to a harvest of carnage as complacently as a New England farmer to a crop of Indian wheat. Her large eyes blaze on a field of ghastly men—she smiles at the prospect of gathering sheaves on a crimson plain—the tears of the widow give renewed fertility to the land over which she passes—her harvest-home will be gladdened by the cries of the fatherless, and the gleaners, Hate, Pain, and Ruin, flinging amd about their dishevelled tresses will sing pastorals as they follow in her train, America has sown the Wind and will reap the Whirlwind. Tue Federal Government, we understand, have arranged with certain parties interested in the waste-paper trade, for the purchase of a large quantity of dust. It is not intended to en out, but will as opportunity offers, be thrown into the eyes of the people of this country. STRETCHING IT, Ir M. Troptone was not ¢rop long in his speech to the Senate on the glories of the Empire, he was certainly ¢rop hen. Necro Emancipation.—Columbia’s Black Draught.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jaxvany 4, 1869, THE DINER A LA RUS8E. BY A RUSTIC. I Just bin up to London Town, Sr Tuomas was spendun the sazun there ; I wanted to zee un afore a come down : Zo I called upon un in Belgrave Square. Ri too ral loo, &c. There was that theer matter about the barn, And ’tother affair o’ cuttun the copse ; I’d got zum rent in my pocket for’n, Which I thought ’ood zet un a smackun his chops. Ri too ral loo, &c. Sm Tomas succeeded to my design, And altogether I come off winner ; For he made me drink a bottle o’ wine : And axed me to come next day to dinner. Ri too ral loo, &e. The dinner hour was seven at night ;_ (The “Later” classes I calls the “ Upper”) a ere, —y L ‘wa Se Ng aoe : "ll ate my dinner, and think ’tis supper. Ri too ral loo, &e. Zo on I puts my best black quoat ve had un some time, but seldom worn un, And ties a white neckcloth round my dhroat, Puttun myself into dacent mournun. Ri too ral loo, &c. A footman ushered me all up stairs, In a livery suit of blue and yeller, A plumid e like what a kingfisher wears. Mr, Sotomon Homecreen! ” bawls the feller. Ri too ral loo, &c. I’d got to hand a lady down, Rigged out in her Drinoline, full feather. What wi’ my broad back, and her wide gown, We had zummut to do to git down together. Ri too ral loo, &e. ART AT A CATTLE SHOW. Howsomedever we rached the dinner-room ; ‘ » : ”» And there was the table, without e’er a cover, Finst Suatt Bor. “I say, Bill, what's he a doing of! But wi’ basons and baskets o’ flowers in bloom, Sconp Drrro. ‘ Can’t you see he's a taking that old Gent's Picture, and isn’? A greenery like, a was spread all over ! it like him?” Ri too ral loo, Re. Sa : rs There was apples, and raisins, and grapes, and pears, “A CERTAIN STAR SHOT MADLY FROM ITS SPHERE.” ee an — oresy quater; Tue American organ, the Morning Star, has put itself into one of those violent Is fust tha deaeatt and the bark arter, rages which are pectliar to pasta 4 that' preach peace-at-any-price, and quote Ri too ral loo, &c. Scripture at random. This awful fury has been caused by Mr. Punch’s mild little allusion to the fact that on the day when all the London journals came out with I took a apple from out of a lot, 1 ‘ black borders, the Star did not manifest that token of respect. So the Christian And was just a gwian to peel and ate un, ; Star showers on us a volley of Billingsgate. “Buffoon,” “unfeeling,” “a fool,” When a plate o ey: smokun hot, _ “a liar,” “a malicious and silly liar,” ‘‘disgust;” “‘insolence,” are among. the Was offered to me 7S Mtvuss in waitun. phrases with which the Star pom Nn. Hl to express its wrath, and at the same Ri too ral loo, &. time to show that Mr. Puach’s gentle rebuke was unfelt. The outbreak takes the The feller he brought me a plate o’ fish form of a letter, which was clearly intended for a leading article, as it begins with ‘As soon as he zee the zoup 1’d swollered a sentence of nineteen lines; but we do not think that this composition is the Then French fricassees. dish arter dish ; production of one of the regular leader-writers, because it is in very fair grammar, And slinés‘o’ beef ena wetton follered and lacks the provincial and smart-young-Dissenting-student tone which usually i Ri too ral loo, & : pervades the Star disquisitions. Besides, the writer is honest enough to quote the er) little paragraph that has caused such heavenly sage, and unless in a paroxysm of There was plenty to drink as well as to ate, - unthinking fury, a oo Star writer would y have offered the Punch anti- As much as ever a chap was able ; dote along with the Brient bane. However, as we have shamed the Séar into But I’d rather zee my jinte o’ mate, protesting that it meant nothing, and is as mournful as it ought to be, we will And taters and turmuts and greens, on my table. iateRagent — — ag os _ er (an excuse " a Ri too ral loo, &c. intelligent workmen who m r. Punch’s inery are irreverent enough to R . 2 smile n_a most rude manner), and will add that there is now a very fitting way Next time we dines at fhe Posen Cashes for the Star’s great patron at once to show his sense of his own self-stultification I'll stick a flowerpot *fore 4 2 atter, erican i , And zay I be dinun “allaw | Se Let Me tee i oe a ae As they = the ve - in their foreign chatter. 00 ral loo, &e. Conscientious Assurance. 4 : : 3 : ; Tae Heieut or Gratitrupe.—Mr. Cox returning _ “Ip,” says the New York Times, in allusion to the Trent affair, “ popular passion | thanks for being elected for Finsbury! . ! is to be allowed to contravene a right in the law of nations, we accept any issue thatmay result.” Indeed! If popular passion is allowed to insist on refusing the surrender of Surpzu1 and Masoy, is our Yankee contemporary prepared to} To cet a CHEERFUL View or ArrarRs IN THE UNITED accept the bombardment of New York? , States.—Only look at them from the Brighé side. William Bradbury, of No. 18, U; Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett E if No. 19, Queen’s Roa! Wes‘, Regent’s P .rk, both in the Perish of St. Pan in the County of Middlesex, ~ at thelr Office in Lombard Utrect, in the, Feotines of Whitetines in the City af Lonion and Pa lished be them” at Nor Go, Wiest Strees, in the of St. Bride in the City of don.—Sarvnpar, January 4, 1862.

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January 11, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 11

A PRIZE INCOME-TAX FOR 1862. Way should the Exhibition of 1862 be limited to material articles? If it included political and social inventions, it would conduce to the | promotion of objects at least as important | as Art and Manufacture. Contributions of a moral and scientific character would have the | great recommendation of taking up very little room. Whilst there is time, therefore, let the world | be advertised that the Exhibition will be open | to receive things of that sort; constitutions, | ae of government, laws, statutes, and so orth. _ In particular, let Europe be invited to send in schemes of taxation framed on the principle | of equal and insensible pressure, so as to incom- mode everybody as little as possible, and to cheat nobody at all. A prize might be founded by subscription to reward the producer of an equitable Income- | Tax, or, if that is impossible, some other tax | which shall be a substitute for that. Is | there no financier, arithmetician, or mathema- | tician on the face of this earth able to solve the problem of taxing everybody in proportion to | his means ? Even if a war with America should be averted, the preparations for the event of that war already made will probably entail upon us some aggrava- tion of the national curse under which we are assured by eminent authorities that we shall | have to groan hopelessly for ever. We might | ENTERTAINMENT FOR AN ORGAN-GRINDING RUFFIAN. | os, wan Ss leet, Deve. Oe le ee | calamity impartially distributed; and rendere ] DisTuRBING A STREET AND FRIGHTENING A SERVANT GiRL INTO Fits, FOR WHICH HE HAS | as tolerable as such an eternal bore can any-

TO Pay 10s. onLY.—(See Police Report, Jan. 1, 1862.) | how be.

THE JONATHAN LUNACY CASE. A THUMB FOR A TRIFLE. ‘“ “ ° s £99 * * ‘THE inquiry was resumed this morning. Mr. Pam, Q.C., instructed | Ir the proverb, Set a thief to catch a thief” is true, a with ; SoA. 1: equal truth perhaps, say “Set a ruffian to collar a ruffian. n that by Mr. Poncu, appearing for the Buxt family, whilst Mr. Bricur J 2 ths enkiaiedeh., wall ° a : | case the prisoner named in the subjoined _police-report is a very fit watched the case for the alleged lunatic. | person for the office which he aspires to undertake :— The first witness called was Mrs. Butt, ‘examined by Mr. Pam: a ve P le led ee i 7 ** HAMMERSMITH. AMES SHEE, a young Iris urer, who it was 5 a — ry _ known Mz. pom on | ah wese A ip He used Ke ° on candidate for the police, was charged with committing a savage assault. about the house, swear a Heal, and Make a Noise ke an ophicieide | ‘It appeared from the evidence that on the night of Saturday, the 14th ult., the She considered him decidedly incapable of managing his own affairs. | complainant, Witt1aM Kexxy, and some friends were together at the bar of the He was fond of assuming military rank, and would call himself CoLonEx | George public-house, in ey epee PR wed prong ar pa en Aprebors JonaTHaN, GENERAL JonaTHaN, and so on. Could not give much | fhe disputants, "On his doing so, the prisoner caught hold of the complainant’ information respecting Mr. JonaTHAN’s marriage with Miss VIRGINIA | thumb between his teeth and bit the top completely off. It was found necessary at Sout ; but knew that at present there were domestic quarrels. The | the West London Hospital to amputate the thumb at the first joint. lady wished for a separation, but Mx. JoxaTHan would not hear of it, | _“\ Ms; INcam sentenced the prisoner to a fine of £4 and 6¢. costs, or to four ar got ae excited whenever the subject was alluded to. << The prisoner was locked up in default.” h me.© bo fancies wes to like 8 policeman, and in this disguise But really thumbs are very moderate at the rate of only £4 6s., or e was often very mischievous. On several occasions he has torn the < : cotton dress witness was in the habit of wearing off her back, and using | {Ut weeks at the treadmill. A pocket handkerchief could hardly have Z been appraised at a lower rate, had Mr. Sue filched one instead of very bad language, has sworn he would whip her. Recently he ha ’ : ; dressed himself up like a sort of sea-captain, and taken eh — 4 man ‘i — off. ode not A: Para =" thumb ie & dog, two friends of Miss V. Sourn’s, who were coming on a visit to wit-| OUt he does it dog-cheap. Some peculiarity m this case nob a ness. Could not say that she had seen him drunk, but he was very | ™¥S* be supposed pe Rag sg a te —s ‘l qxenaine y. hed fond of tippling (or liquoring as he called it), and would threaten to | Yaluation of the member by which the human han dth att he shoot any one who declined to drink with him, He would sing snatches from that of the monkey, or else his Waeksp computed a of nigger melodies, such as Old Dan Tucker, and finish by cutting at a member by a most inadequate rule of thumb. piece of stick he always carried in his pocket. The next witness called was Mons. Lovts, examined by Mr. Puncu. i » iy T keep a large pension and gertighed lodgings. E have known Questions in Lunacy Cases. R. JONATHAN Since many years. I should say that he was what we : iv gi ies Line ? | call himbr é I have h ad the habitn + hgge furnishing him with wine. ¢ De Oe ey ever drive an Engine on the Eastern Counties Line ? | e seems to not know the use“of money. e sometimes will fling his “1: ae ine i it 2 dollars about, an d then jhe will borrove cca wen” thinks ¢ ™ os travel on that line if he could help it ¢ imse e riches aire in the world. He has quarrelled with | dun a . 7 jj his dear half, Mxs, Jonatnax,* ne VincrNte Soon, car sa Bt Judge, Gentlemen, the lunacy is clearly made out. reat anger because Mapame Bout will not interfere in his ménage. | wo milords, Srr Wortpiy and Sir Exony, have had the happy : ey iP pate the gp apie aw JONATHAN and MapAmMeE geet All is Sevene. ut M. JonatHANn will have no arbitration, no more as for that will! ' — Mins RM Jensen has shown himself of great politeness Tue latest telegram from Bombay has two announcements : towards me lately, but I regard him as a great silly, and if I were in| “ Nava Sauis has been detected ani captured.” the place of Mapame Butt, I would shut him up,” “Hemp is in demand.” The inquiry was again adjourned, | The news seems exceedingly satisfactory, and is, we hope, authentic.

VOL, XLII. c

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 11, 1862. MYSTERY AND MUSIC. INCERELY do many sober-minded persons regret that young ladies now are sadly — at lang expressions; an very frequently use language that would far more fitly emanate from the mouths of gents and fast men than well-educated girls. That this love extends of slang to ladies in professional as well as private the followmg adver- | deal tisement will prove :— MBS. STENTORR,,. tly Ticket of that Bstablish- ment. She met with the warmest oe ge the +ahliah > ap- pears in her turn with satisfaction to her audi- etor. Those wishing a Novelty and a Ticket for Christmas apply ket, and not the Card. At liberty om the 23rd of December. Ad- | ence and Pro at ence to the | dress as above. One would almost think the slave trade were flourishing among us when one finds a Jady vocalist talk of her “proprietor ;”” and when she calls herself a “ticket,” one inclines almost to view it as another name for “ ” which she holds herself to be. hat on earth she means by telling those who “ wish a Novelty ” to apply to “the Ticket and not the Card,” we reluctantly must own our inability to guess. We say reluctantly, because one’s self-esteem is somewhat lowered one meets with any pro! that one’s intellect ean’t solve. What constitutes a “ ticket,” and in what respects a “ticket” differs from a “card,” are questions which to some ple may seem quite unimportant ; but while they are unanswered, they clearly are in some measure raised into significance by having puzzled even Punch. WHO IS AN AMERICAN ? Snape as it may seem, this oui. we confess, has ye us much of late. It has been hard to escape talking about Transatlantic matters, and it has been harder, when so doing, to avoid saying a word or two of either blame or ridicule, much as one may try to keep aloof from both. But whenever one happened to find fault with the misconduct of American affairs; one has been told “Oh, but you know that it’s no fault of the Americans.” “It’s those eonfoun: ish,” or “ those infernal Germans” who have done the mischief; or else it’s “the Rowdies,” or “the Bhoys” who are to blame for it. But as for the Anedepen, they have had nojhand in it. Whatever may have chanced amiss has been no fault of theirs. If their Government. be governed by uncrowned King Mob, his Majesty is not of true American extraction. The Mob is of mixed breed, partly Irish, partly German, partly anything you please, excepting aught that can be anyhow regarded as American. Vho then are Americans? And if they exist, why don’t they inter- | fere to save the good name of their nation? The country that is boastedly the most free and most repu , is now most under the despotism of a tyrannous democracy, composed, it is alleged, and emigrants, who are no more real Americans than the | Portuguese. The Rowdies, it is true, are living in America, and of aliens Turks are have most of them been born there: Still one must. on no aecount regard | them as Americans. They are virtually the rulers of America, may be ; | and while they are so, the Americans are a really enslaved ple, —— by the Rowdies, whom nevertheless they make no effort to | dethrone. 2 , ; | _ This at least is the conclusion that one is forced to come to, if one | believes there are such people as genuine Americans, neither Irish, French, nor Germans, bat Americans pur sang. Their existence must however be considered somewhat doubtful, and we ourselves incline to place them in the list of extinct races, rather than submit. to the alter- ; native of viewing them as slaves under the dominion of the Rowdies | and the Roughs. THE DEBATES ON THE GRAND REMONSTRANCE. | DECEMBER, 1861, anp JANUARY, 1862. WITH AN INTRODUCTORY ESSAY ON AN ENGLISHMAN’S FREEDOM UNDER CONJUGAL, FILIAL, AND MENIAL. SOVEREIGNTY. BY MR. PUNCH. INTRODUCTORY ESSAY. An Englishman has no Freedom under the Sovereignty above mentioned. THE DEBATES. Parerramimias at Breakfast. various Olive Branches. Present: Mrs. ParerraMicias, and | The Times Newspaper. Maid in waiting. Paterfamilias. 1 tell you what it is, my dear. We spend a great | too much money. ere’s a deficit in the Revenue and—— Mrs. Paterfamilias. Take your coffee, dear. P. There’s a deficit in the revenue—— Master Jacky. And a fly in the milk-jug. P.. Wold your tongue, Sir. | Master Jacky, But a fly now, Pa. It’s a zoological fernomenon, and you ought to send it to the Gardens. (Great laughter. P. Will _ hold your tongue, Sir. Mrs. P. Don’t snub the child at Christmas, Pa. P.1 don’t, but he ought not to interrupt me. there is a deficit in the revenue— Mrs. P.. Well, if there is, I dare say Mr. Guiapstone will take it out—you are always saying that he is the cleverest man in the world. | Try that boiled haddock—it’s boiled, isn’t it, Saran ? Sarah. Yes, M’m, at least I believe so. I think (énxocently, of course) cook’s cousin was telling her to boil it. Mrs, P. (darkly). Cook’s cousin! (Repressing herself.) That will do, Saran, and shut the door after you. [Brit Saran, with a slight smile. P. And we shall very likely be in a war with those Yankees. Master Bob. And won’t we lick ’em handsome, yes, Sir-ree. Mrs. P. Don’t talk so, Bos. You don’t know what wickedness all war is. It means murder, and hatred, and sorrow, and I won’t have you speak lightly about it—and don’t spill that egg over the cloth, that’s a dear boy. a Bob. 1t’s only yellow, Ma, and that’s a pretty colour on white. Miss Laura. Nasty pig you are. and nothing else. Master Bob. Don’t I, Miss. Hee! Parallelograms upon the same base and between the same parallels are equal to one another, and equal triangles upon equal bases in the same straight lines, and towards the same parts, are between the same parallels, and I am equal to another go of marmalade. Thank you, Miss Ienorance. P.. (not unapprovingly). I fear only an effort.of memory, Bos, but all very well. I think I shall send you to a cheaper school, and closer, where I can have you more under my eye. d Master Bob. No, no, Pa, that won’t do. I’m getting on uncommon, and I couldn’t leave old Squam’s till I’ve licked Tom Starrer; it wouldn’t be the thing, you must see that for yourself. And I’m sure Mrs. Square looks after my manners as well as Ma could do. P. The bills are very heavy, and if we’re to have more Income-Tax, it will be my duty to retrench expenses. In justice to your sisters, we must regulate our outlay.— ; Three Girls, O, Pa, never mind us, and pray don’t do anything to bring that Plague home oftener than Christmas and Midsummer. a Master Bob. Your healths, young ladies. Varium et mutabile semper femina, as the immortal bard expresses it, and didn’t you say yesterday that I was to come home at Easter? P. Some more sugar, MARGARET. Mrs. P. (helping im.) Extravagant man, you have had four lumps. . P. We must economise, I tell you. Girls, you ought to know music enough by this time to do without Stenor PreroniPoront, and I shall pay him off. Miss Laura. And what are the little ones to do, Pa? P. ¥ou are to teach them, to be sure. Master Jacky. O, my eye! (bursts into mock laughter.) Won't there be a slapping of backs and a boxing of ears, O, no! Y t There will be something like it, Sir, if you intrude your non- sense when I am speaking—eat this sardine for me, and hold your tongue. . . Mrs. P. My dear Cxantes, it’s out of the question. The Signor is bringing the girls on famously, and you should have seen how cross Mrs. Beton looked on ‘Tuesday when their duet was played just after her own girls had made their unfortunate display. : P. (Pleased.) Was it so? Well—if—but we’ll see about it. What’s the use of it all? I was saying that | You learn. those ways at school,

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Janvary 11, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIT. 13 Mrs. P. You shall see, on Wednesday. You are making no break- fast, dear. Shall I cut youa slice of thus lovely ham ? P. No—yes—the least bit. But what’s Wednesday ? Mrs. P. Why, our ; P. I never heard of it, and I am en d. (General uproar). I tell ou I never heard of it, and I ought to be told before these things are fixed. And I said I would have no pees this year. Mrs. P. (charging hotly.) Why, Pa, dear, you have often said that Wednesday was always the day you liked best for parties, and you the declared you would not go out any more this Christmas, and I supposed you knew a own mind, and meant what you said, as you are always recommending the children to.do, and it is nonsense to talk about no parties, as if we could receive people’s hospitalities and make them no return. I am sure I should be ashamed to look people in the face if I were so mean as that, and you know that you yourself the othe morning were holding up Mr. ScraPer to ridicule for his stinginess mm dining with everybody and making no return. I don’t care abo parties, you know that, except for the sake of theehildren, but I do like consi and you should not preach one thing one day and another another. t me give you some hot tea, that must have got quite cold while you keep talking over it. Pa AS P. (Utterly routed, hides himself under the “Times,” like Mx. Suva O’Brien under the cabbage-leaves) Humph ! , [The victorious enemy dances over his body. Master Bob. No end of fun we're to have, Pa. 1’ve ordered the magic lantern and a double go of dissolving views, veluéi ée speculum, don’t you know? Master Jacky. 1’m to make the D. : ; Miss Laura, All the Miss Exxiotsons are coming end their cousins, and the young barrister that you like. Master Bob, And that, Macere don’t hate. — a Mrs. P. (severely.) Silence, Rowert, I desire you. A repetition of such nonsense will compel me to exclude Mr. CiarTersox from my house, which I should regret, as he is a very agreeable young man of excellent prospects, and his uncle is a bishop. P. Humph [Winks at his daughter Mancanet behind the newspaper. Miss Maria. We shall be fifty at least. : P. (plucking up and ing to make the best of it). I’m fifty, at least, aie and I don’t approve of such riots. Master Jacky. Only once a year, Pa. Please to remember the grotto. d P. Cape, Madeira and pale ale, mind. No wine from me. General laughing Chorus. O0!O! O! O! O! : Miss Maggie. You’\l do what’s right, Papa, J know. And if po know anybody you would like to bring, you may bring him, and if he isn’t a Guy, I'll dance a quadrille with him. (Pulls her parents whiskers. P. (Rises.) You’re very good, I’m sure. Well, have you asked the Vernons, and the Harpers, and the Monrcomerys, and old TrarrorD, and Mrs. WispeacH? Do the thing properly, while ou are about it. And 1’ll make James Crarxkson come, he’s good at rewing Cups. Master Bob. And that will save your wine, you know. We must i retro in oe days, if Wy rw sank , : wan . (giving him a t , my boy, when you have to pay bills— by Jove, it’s ten o'clock. I aot te off, for I’ve got some port to taste at one o'clock, and I must get my work done first. Good-bye, dears. Chorus. Good-bye, Daddy long-legs. [Zxit the Grand Remonstrant. Scene in Kitchen, Sarah (in continuation). So master sys, says he, I’ve got nine | minds, says he, to cut things a good bit closer, says he, than 1 *ve bin | doing, says he— Rest of Domestics. AV\ stuff! Missis knows better than to stand any | nonsense of that kind. She ’s—— [Euter Mus. Parerramirias just in time to stop the analysis of her | own character, to read Cook a lecture on modified nage to cousins, and to make preliminary arrang ts for Wednesday. | “ And tt will bode ill to the domestic institutions of England | when PaTERFAMILIAS has.a chance against the household ba::d | leagued together in one common cause.” DIRECTION-POSTS FOR THE POPULACE. ORNAMENT in various public objects—lamp-posts, gates, drinking- | fountains, and so forth, is now, in a measure, generally combined with utility. A finger-post in some cases is furnished with a hand and finger painted with a degree of conscientiousness and attention to the rules of colouring and design. Now, such a finger-post is all very well in its way, namely any ionable thoroughfare; for the better classes s point with the forefinger after the manner of the post. But e lower orders, for the most part, use a different and peculiar mode of ; and therefore, since, in all Art, keeping and congruity are y to be observed, let all the posts and boards, serving to direct the passenger in the slums, be provided with a hand issuing out of a ~_ fustian cuff instead of a swell cloth one with a wristband, the ngers being closed, and the way andicated with the thumb. AMATEUR ENGINE-DRIVERS. the letter of Mr. J. B. Owen, Secretary to Eastern Counties Railway, to the Zimes in answer to that of “An Eastern Counties Railway Traveller,” that the office of the iver on that line had not been once, if not oftener, per- fo: by young Mr. Wixpnam, the state of whose mind’ is now legal mvestigation. It does appear that on a particular day ‘Mr. Wixpnam had endea- voured to interfere with the duties of the guard—not the driver—by calling out the names of some of the stations and asking th to take their seats.” But whether this i charge hisduty, hath mol sonatas arge y, not aj 24 i what the fact is in that j ¥ 2 tho gills wore also bey know a} «i has, or not, been ice, unknown of course to directors,.on the Eastern Counties if not on other railways, for fast amusement of driving the engine ? , public have had, what an escape the fast young men have had; either from getting themselves, together with the rs, smashed, or getting sentenced to penal servitude for ter; as they, at least, of all unlucky re es ho would have ri deserved to be. had they caused a fatal accident. With reference to the minor offence of playing the guard i according to “ An Eastern Counties Railway Traveller,” in something like a guard’s uniform, it is some comfort to be in Mr. Owen’s flowery language, that, as soon as this fool’s trick came to the know- ledge of his directors’ officers :— *“ Prompt. and decisive steps were i such an irregularity, and a communication on HAM’s relatives.” Tr does not appear from Radway, > e 2 taken to prevent the recurrence of subject addressed to Mr. Wixp- Mr. Owzx, we hope, means to say, that the” policemen of “the | Eastern Counties Railway have been ordered to keep a_sharp look out for boobies on that line, and prevent them from acting as " engine-drivers, or other servants of the Company, any more. i ag , Ni | 4. § \ Fad at Latest from Bedlam. BY A MANIACAL COCKNEY. Why is DEEnFoor like a penknife ?—Because he is often employed as a he-racer !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 11], 1862. SS A COMFORTER. Sympathetic Swell (devoted to the Noble Science). “Got a WxtcHEeD Cotp! No, WEALLY ? THAT’s A BAD JOB, OLD FELLA,—MIGHT ‘Ha’ BEEN WORSE, THOUGH.—HORSE MIGHT HAVE HAD IT, YOU KNOW!” A FAIR OFFER FROM JOHN BULL TO MISS seabihions.| | Sua we kiss and be friends? Why not? Sister Corumsia, ’ No more ugly faces let you and me pull; | Though we both have our tempers, our worries and troubles, Let “ bygones be bygones” for me, says Joun Buu. You must own that you’ve given me a deal of bad language, And have been far too free with your bunkum and brag: That 1’\\ pocket, if now, like a sensible woman, You ’Il disclaim your friend Wixzs, and salute the old flag. Fools may sneer and call family feelings all humbug, But I feel that one blood in the veins of us flows ; Our tongues are the same, though I don’t like your fashion ing, (as you’d make me pay) through the nose. We snarled and we scratched, in the days of our folly. When you wanted to leave me and start for yourself ; To think of those times makes me quite melancholy— The blood that we wasted—the temper and pelf When I vowed that I’d tame you, and make you knock under, And you dared me and bit, like a vixen as well; I did think by this time we had both seen our blunder ;' Meant to live as good friends and in peace buy and sell. But of late I can’t think what the deuce has come o’er you; First, you turn your own house out of window, and then, Declare that J want, to o’erreach you and floor you, Stop my ships, seize my passengers, bully my men ! I can stand a great deal from my own blood-relations, | world. And I know that your troubles your temper have soured ; But I can’t take a blow, in the face of all nations, And consent to see law by brute force overpowered. Only own your friend Wiixzs is a blundering bully, And make over Mason and Stmeut to me. And all that is past I’ll condone, fair and fully, Kiss you now, and in future, 1 do hope, agree ! THE RESIGNATION OF MR. BRIGHT. (From the “ Morning Star.”) WE BLUsH FoR Brrminenam. It is unworthy to be represented by the greatest orator, noblest patriot, and soundest statesman in the Mr. Bricut owes it to himself and the universe to resign his seat for blundering, bloodshedding, blatant Birmingham. A vast meet- ing has taken place, at which the working classes, those for whom he has laboured so gloriously, were present in thousands, and in answer to the moderate demand that they should call on the Government to sacri- fice what is called the honour of England, they have in the most brutal, uneducated, and un-Christian way, — by an overwhelming majority, a resolution that they have confidence in Lorp PatMerston. Con- fidence in Lorp Patmerston! This from Birmingham, after Mr. Bricut has expressly commanded them to have o confidence in Lorp Patmerston. Monstrously ungrateful and insolent as mobs have ever been, we did not expect this, even from the dingy rabble of the Toy- shop of Europe. They are more fearfully demoralised than we could have believed. It must be that the large number of aristocratic mansions in Warwickshire have exerted a poisoning influence upon the masses. The lordly halls in those beautiful scenes must have sent out their gorged menials, with beer in one hand and bribes in the other, and the thousands of Birmingham blockheads have yielded to ducal debauchery. But as they have made their bed, they must lie. We can scarcely commiserate them, Christmas time though it be. But they have repudiated Mr. Bricut and his teaching, and chosen to stand up for a false honour, and now in his turn, he stands up for his own honour, and repudiates them. We are authorised to state that Mr. Bricut, reluctant as he is even to seem to take office under the Crown, has applied for that lying sham, the Chiltern Hundreds, and Birming- ham may go where good intentions make the pavement.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Janvary 11, 1867. | “UP A TREE.” Colonel Bull and the Yankee ‘Coon. *Coon. “AIR YOU TMEQRRNEST, COLONEL ?” CotoneL Buu. “I AM.” : *Coon. “DON’T FIRE—I’LL COME DOWN.”

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Page 33

January 11, 1862.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

CHARIVARI. -

“ARMA CANEMQUE!” Sve Westminster Police Report on Friday, Jan. 3. Sine the fight of Watronp, Sing the fight of Norton ; How a little — War those houses brought on; How a forfeit Blazed upon the altar’; shies about - little of Malta ! ight pounds last summer, Norton bought it: ip bie Pretty e i Sitting on its tail-end, Begging so clever— Such a pet one may len Give away—no, never! For Miss N. to Woolwich ae ere to leave Caused her ; Entertaining for it An affection fervent, How could she entrust it To a menial servant ? In this strait perplexing, Sudden she. beth Of her friend the > Ja Smee s jaomabiier: y in her keeping Kindly she’d receive it : Wash and comb and — “y it; Nor, to hireling lea To Miss Janet are Thus:her pet confided, With her fepads at Mt aaa Calm Miss N. abi With her pet. erratic,

But alas her faith in Female friend’s devotion, hen a terrier Sets the heart in motion! »* Miss: Wanronp really Deem the dog: a present ? Was the: bait too potent, Was tlie: dog too ee ? Certain ’tis,, Miss: peas (Howe’er she excused i) When Miss Norvon asked her For the pet, refused it ; With distinet assertion, That the precious terrier Was:not lent but given! a) thereon that followed, Muse be sweet and short on ; Vain the task to picture The des of Norrom. To Bee oo ANET be ae lineon site: Hnentball Then whew prayers: were idle, Unto threats descended. Then from words: to actions, In her wrath she passes; Round the house Draws the lower classes. ines the door-bell, Till street-boys ma “ Give the lady’s Make-a row ap Vain oe invocation Of tite stern police-man : Idle es tion as — Never riaae Back her trust wall tenor ! Of her peti ne’er CanoLIne Nonaex make surrender ! °T wixt the louse of Wannonp And —_ — of Norton, Many Was thie tattle fought on. WaLRow Till at last as Deus Machine Peer oth omen summoned ‘Ttievesl ieanale endian ase counter-

| when it was stated that the wings 0! | ost the nest, and

En. Sportmen” have been having ches, thousands of hares, rabbits, wets A ey have in the fo rih in a paragraph w. a does nat not much shoal Som very some ney Sa hows ~e Now, some few months ago the Times republished a petition from French naturalists, clearly showing to their Government | Ken ts, if their natural | f Tt was shown that every an extra-abundant crop, but 1 before the fruit was nest-hood a whole colony i , especially the of cockchafers consumed by Master and Miss Titmouse before they left. off being naked and came out in par yp feath yy a ‘what diminish: and as flies, and difficult for man to catch and it is not wise in him to murder his natural allies, who can best assist him in the warfare for the welfare of his crops that he must wage. This being so, “ es Sportmen” were petitioned (through the Gov- int punishment.

A SMALL VOICE FOR THE SMALL BIRDS. pockets pet i _ havoc must ensue from the ton oe of insec joovinee the small birds, young family of sparrows d of caterpillars, while the quanti a pes time of it in France. Englis d fowl, partridges and last “aes months, has been set ch pot papers have re-printed, and which the facts. How many titmice, ‘ es Sportmen’ have been like- Sane ing, welawe- ust ai present any dutn to inform es: a minu insects Aon A the id oe — omen a the which not one man in a hundred knows am we recently been shot. were ay ed er, was really so enormous that we could be ty swallow it, scarcely fancy that so Anat small a bird could ye es ag ite and crop. ae at om, or however, are not men to} ernment) to to a: -- larks, linnets, ha Down of Sparrow C rtpeding idiots who belong to them. winter-moth, upon whi the entirecrop: The birds had been destroyed.”

cease their murderous assaults on titmice, larks pe limnets, and to reserve their small shot for rather larger that some such a petition might with fitness be nner sade h gunners also, this extract from a letter to the Times appears “Tt has m obvious to all who have had the rtunity and the capaci to observe, that tuning the last few years the small cual Mode bape shay In a like ratio insects of the most destructive kinds have increased. I have had excellent means of knowing that in various parts of the county of Kent whole crops of fruit, vegetables, and grain have been swept off entirely by various kinds of to detect

ts which the birds alone are com and) destroy, and about. Men see their hopes indlormivatoly and systematically exterminated. For exam —- at a village in er mer are given for the headsof titmouse, other birds which ost exclusively on insects and ple bares The in that locality are very extensive and are planted chiefly with plum-trees. In 1858 they anger h the bi titmouse, feed, consumed All ye who love <n tart send in your nana at once eth i —¥ uain 0! | human ubs, and cut “Live and let live” is a without full pre if a be be anyhow procurable; and| motto, and, as applied to little birds, on is — truth init. In were y to dispute the fact. , and you let liv other a Pon slugs, and f all hafers were found | o ated, it it woul have been ungentle- gts ode birds, Tp the observant increase, hungry voc- conuane members —— ¢ the crops of corn and fruit grubs, are very much more ‘or wrens and sparrows, kill than they are cockroaches and

cudgel at the knave, without giving him a chance sooth, the fact appears to be that if we WS, A = will somewhat tend: to the destruction of ype for all and crops will be demolished by the insects destroy. Therefore let this suicidal w Mak thennall’ bins now hedgerow warfare cease, and let our farmers seek no longer to exterminate. the sparrows, lest haply by so doing they exterminate ourselves. Mr. Punci’s aim is usually to shoot bf as it flies; but if Mr. Punch this winter catches any s ne Punch ill crawling behind hed 28 to get pot-shots at the sparrows, will have a shot with his of flight from his

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 11, 1862. x iS A, ait Uncte (Nervous old Gent). ‘‘ What are those Brown Paper Parcels George?” . NEPHEW (and Marksman). ‘“‘ Ah, by the bye, Uncle, you might as well take care about dropping your Cigar ash. I always dry my Cartridges, and 4 [Right about backwards wheel, and retreat at the double by the Old Gentleman. SONG IN AID OF SOBRIETY. (Dedicated to the United Kingdom Alliance.) Tone—“ Poor Mary Anne.” Topsy Mueerns was in liquor, ° _ All mops and brooms. Going home he lost his “ ticker,”’ All mops and brooms. Out of shape his hat was battered, And his coat was torn and tattered, And his clothes were much bespattered, All mops and brooms. In the kennel stretched we found hin, All mops and brooms. With a crowd of people round him, All mops and brooms. Set his eyes were in their sockets, Inside out were turned his pockets : Vulgar voices cried, “ Old cock, it’s All mops and brooms !” Staggering on in zigzag travel, All mops and brooms. He had tumbled on the gravel, All mops and brooms. And his nose, on that occasion, Had sustained a large abrasion, He was deaf to all persuasion ; All mops and brooms. So, upon his legs unstable, All mops and brooms, Or to go or stand unable, All mops and brooms, Four policemen prisoner made him : On a stretcher having laid him, To the station they conveyed him, All mops and brooms. a Le a ~ A New Weapon in Warfare. Tar highly respectable paper the New York Herald suggests, in the event of war between ourselves and the Yankees, the confiscation of all British property invested in American securities. The proposal of not paying an enemy off is a new idea of vindicating nationai | honour, in the Fender, Apvice To Disuntrep Frrenps.—A hollow friend- | ship is like a hollow tooth—it’s always best to have it out at once.—Poor Richard. A COMPROMISE WITH AMERICA. “Mr. Puncu, “Ip we are not at war with America by the time this letter reaches you, perhaps you will have the kindness to publish a suggestion which may prove the means of preserving peace. “Mr. Epwry James has pronounced an opinion respecting the legality of the seizure of Messrs. Sumpett and Mason, evidently dictated by a mere desire to curry favour with the Yankee mob. What- ever Mr. James is, he is not a fool; and he must well know that the violence offered by Caprarn WILKEs to passengers on board a neutr: ship bound from one neutral port to another was an illegal act, an act as illegal, according to international law as embezzling money is according to the law of England. Mr. James pronounces an opinion with the knowledge that it is unsound, and with the intention of encouraging the mob in a determination which, if maintained, must induce war with —a— Morally, is not this conduct treasonable? Is not Mr. Epwin James a virtual traitor? Who would have expected him to come to that? If his antecedents had been those of a scoundrel, his | disloyalty would have only been a deeper plunge into the mire of rascality. But Mr. Epwin James was an honest and honourable gentleman, as much as he was a patriot. “Whether a British jury would actually convict him of treason, may be questioned; but we have as much right to claim him as a traitor to his Comes and country, as the Yankee Skipper had to apprehend the Southern Commissioners on the same ground. “ Christianity is part and parcel of the law of the United States. | What the Americans do unto others is always strictly that which they | would wish others to do to them. The deck of the Zrex¢t was as much British ground as the pavement of the Broadway, New York, is American. Prestpent Lincoty, Mr. Sewarp, the Government and yeople at large of the Federal States, will of course not object in the oo to the arrest of an alleged British rebel on any portion of their | territory. | Tet A, B. C., and other members of the Police Force, constituting a sufficient detachment, proceed to New York, or any other city in the States which may be honoured by numbering the celebrated ex-Q. C., | Mr. Epwin James, amongst its residents ; let them there lie in wait al | for that ornament of the American Bar, of whom the British showed | As soon as they can catch Mr. James let them collar | itself unworthy. him on an accusation of high treason and convey him on board a British man-of-war. The American multitude, Ministers, and Chief Magis- trate, will all be glad to acquiesce in submission to this reprisal, whereby British honour will be satisfactorily vindicated; and then arrangements can be peaceably made, between the United Kingdom and the remainder of the United States, for the final adjustment of the question about the rights of neutrals. “Tn the mean time, Mr. Epwry James, if his indictment for treason | should appear unadvisable, might be quietly released, unless he should | a | | | | | | be wanted by his captors on some other score; for perhaps it is not too | | much to say that he is not likely to be wanted here by anybody else, | unless by certain gentlemen at the Bar, mostly with an a/as to their | names; members of that bar which disbars no | but hails him, on the contrary, as a smart fellow; | Yankeedom. “Tam, &., like the bar of “ The Dovecote, Jan, 1862.” * Bons’ arrister for swindling, | | | }

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ingdom t of the treason should not too dy else, o their ndling, bar of ” AX. January 11, 1862. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 19 OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. EAR Puncu, Ecce iterum Colleena ! Here’s the Colleen Bawn again! I don’t mean at the Adelphi, but the Gallery of Illustration, where i — is ~ pla her upon the piano), and taking ode to her rescue from the tip-top of the treble to the bottom of the bass. CuHantes Hari charmed us all last summer with his BreeTHoven recitals, but I doubt if ever he delighted more his hearers than does Jonw Parry his audience with the Col- Bawn reeital which he daily now repeats. Without in any be 4 confounding Bovcicavutt ith Beetnoven, I at least may say that ears which have been charmed by Mr. Hartt may ws ag no small bea os ‘sgky’s graceful playing; the real excellence of which, im point of skill and taste, people are in ral somewhat apt to over- : . Mr. Parry is so funny in what may be deseribed as his pantomimie playing, and the comical sly looks and droll expressive gestures wherewith he illustrates the poly- logues he cleverly sustains, that one hardly takes fair thought of his —— —_— and his delicaey of touch. The Irish — which _ a prelude song are as gracefully performed as y are prettily combined, and he so nearly has the power to make pianos speak, that one almost hears the words of the old melodies he plays. “Tn other respects than this the entertainment at the Gallery has been touched up and improved since I last reviewed it. A couple of songs for Mrs. Reep have with good effeet been added; and her droll new character of little (!) Dolly Chickbiddy, the infantile young lady whose ‘Mamma won’t bring her out,’ is just one of those gr of funny whimsical extrav ce which are sure to please the publie when acted with good taste. In this point Mrs. Rerp has ever been con- Pang Eo and indeed my sole regret in seeing her on the platform at the Gallery is that I can no more see her on the stage, where no one yet has filled her place. “No doubt I may be thought eccentric for my abstinence, but I have let Christmas almost pass without my going to a pantomime, although there are some dozen played to tempt me every evening. But pantomimes, like penny buns, are relished most in youth, and when one gets out of a jacket one is apt to lose one’s taste for them. More- over pantomimes have nowadays had half their fun knocked out of them, the a of their scenery being far more cared for than the humour of their scenes. I would a new Grimaxpr would arise, and change all this, and make people go to pantomimes to have a hearty laugh, and not to sit sedate and solemn through a ‘Transformation,’ leaving when the ‘ comic business’ should, but don’t, begin. “ Still, pantomimes will always’ be popular at Christmas time, if only for the sake of old associations, which at this special season are fresh in every memory, aud which nobody of sense would wish men to forget. deed, asa sure proof of how much pantomimes are cared for, t Sunday papers before Christmas sought an extra flow of custom by unravelling beforehand the ‘ plots’ which would on boxing-night be publicly revealed. I saw announced in one great poster ‘ PLovs OF ALL THE PantomimEs’ in letters larger far than the ‘ War Anticipations,’ and — anne ——y _ zoek. Nay, cee See = one great author asked payment for the privilege of divulging thus beforehand his pantomimic story ; though who can find much interest in the mere plot of a pantomime, it puzzles all my powers of conjecture to conceive. “ Mr. Fecuter has retired for a while from the Princess’s (when he re-appears I hope his face will not be blacked); and Mr. Wican as now ceased to manage the St. James’s, his place being supplied by Mr. Grorce Vinrne, than whom few know better how to strengthen a weak part. Mr. Wiean in stage parlance is now ‘starring in the provinces,’ which phrase might make one fancy he had taken to break windows and was resident in France. But you know that in stage- slang the word ‘ provinces’ means ‘country,’ while ‘ starring’ sig- nifies the nightly blazing off of a Great Gun among others, by compa- rison, of very small report. For one, I shall be glad when Mr. Wican comes to town again; for there is no one the least like him on the London Stage, and really good actors are not so abundant on it that we can afford to lose one whom we like. Before Christmas I saw him play in the Poor Nobleman, one of those neat quiet pieces taken from the French, in which Mr. Wien especially excels, And I must here add a word of re. uspective praise for Mina. W he | of the circumstance, with the a the rich, good-hearted vulgar widow, and for Miss Herpert’s graceful bearing as the daughter of the ruined nobleman; a slight part, but requiring a lady-like demeanour, which is not too common just at present on our stage. “ Onz wuo Pays.” SURGE, CARNIFEX! To nis Honour my Broruer THE Saturday Review. Tue Indignant Protest of Mr. Punch, Sternly Complaining, SHEWETH unto your Honour, Tuat there are Twenty-three articles in the Saturday Review for the last week of 1861. Tart not one of them is a Damaging Smash into Anybody. Tuat they may be labelled as follows :— . Foreign affairs are pretty smooth. The American difficulty will be peacefully solved. The Italian Parliament is commended. The Americans will be hard up. Ballot agitation hollow and moribund. The Americans quite wrong about the Trent. . The Policy of France is peaceful. The Americans are not nice men. Review of the Year. . Educate the poor, or tather, don’t. . Friendship is commendable. 2. The Americans a Privateers. ate 3. MADEMUISELLE Linowsma’s graceful fencing. . It’s not so cold in Canada. 5. Praises of the Indian Government. 3. Notice of a stupid old book of Travels. . Praises of Prorussor CRATK. . Civilities to Proressor Ayroun. 9. Mild objections to Sin A. ALison. 20. Praises of Mr. W. BLapes. . Praises of M. Luis pe BexxEMaRe. 2. Praises of Dr. Wm. Mum. 23. Praises of Dr. Pavii amd Mr. Orrk. Prat this sort of thing will not do, and is totally from and | diametrically opposed te the other sort of thing which made the | Satu; day Review such pleasant ing. Tuat your Honour is requested to turn over a new leaf, and Smash people every week, as heretofore, for the delight of mankind. Or your Protestant will discontinne taking you in. PUNCH. SO TIS ore gone THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON. Ar this present festive season people are expected to be particularly complimentary. It is not eve y, however, that is apt at compli menting his friends off-hand, whenever he meets them. To do so one must have either a natural genius for saying pleasant things, or else a stock of compliments, at command, cut and dried. This latter, if wanting, is a want that. mon bo supplied, to which end some help may be afforded by the following hints :— There is nothing which pleases a sensitive man so much as a remark upon his personal appearance made to his face. Whenever, therefore, a fat man comes in your way, fail not to tell him that he is getting stout; and in accosting a thin one, express your concern to sce him so fallen away. One who is gettin y or bald, be sure always to remind dition of some familiar and facetious observation, such as, “I say, old fellow, you are getting on,” or, still more plainly to express what you mean, “ ug, down hill—eh?” * Aha! what, you’re losing your teeth!” “ lo! Tsay! Shak on the pins?” “ What, obliged to wear specs? Sight failing ? “ Not hear what I said? By Jove—you’re getting awfully deaf.” “Not recollect—ah! memory touched. Well, my boy, we must all decay—sooner or. later.” Such are a few of the agreeable common laces which you may address to those who have the advantage of owing you, as opportunity shall serve you to gratify them. Such are the compliments of every season. é It is not merely that sensitive persons like to be playfully told of personal defects of whic} you may suppose them unconscious, but they are peculiarly pl od by the friendly interest and nye which they discern to be the motives that induced you to take so much notice of them. By merrily casting their deformities and infirmi- ties in their’ teeth, moreover, you offer them the delicate flattery of inferentially giving them credit for philosophical ope of mind superior to vanity. Moreover, you relieve them of the embarrassment of attempting to reply to you; for if your kind and gentlemanlike com- ments on their personal appearance are undeniable, they can only echo | them, which is»unnecessary; and if unfounded, they will not contra- dict them, betause it is not worth while, and perhaps because they | may be unwilling to give you pain by inducing you to fear that you have trodden on their corns; an apprehension which, of course, would > 1Gan’s natural acting of grieve you. L tears e

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| |

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 11, 1862.

> <= Fanny (after a morning’s mischief at Grandma's). “ Ah/ I'll tell you what we'll play at now.

thi) | Wh ian Ht I

\ You shall be dear, good little, Fanny, and I'll be cross, disagreeable, old Grandma’ !”

A SEASONABLE SPREE. We have much pleasure in commending the subjoined extract from | the Zimes to the notice of fast young men of affluence :— | St. Stephen's, Westminster.

“New Year Feasts.—On Thursday, the 2nd inst., Miss Burpettr Courts enter” | tained at a New Year’s dinner more than 300 poor people in the school-rooms of The Bisnor or Hono.uv was present, with several clergymen connected with the Abbey and neighbouring parishes of Westminster.” For a “ lark,” what bit of fun could be finer than that of entertaining a lot of poor people at dinner, after the manner of Miss BurpeEtr Coutts ? treating worse than worthless persons in the Haymarket and the pur- lieus of that objectionable thoroughfare. Sterne wanted to see how an ass would eat.a maccaroon. It would be full as interesting to observe with what relish a number of paupers would devour turtle- soup, and drink champagne. To procure the attendance of a Bishop or two, and some Clergymen, as Miss Coutts did, would be quite a cheesy idea, and perfectly feasible, for divines cannot but approve of a banquet arranged exactly according to the directions for a dinner-party given in a certain professional book supposed to form the peculiar subject of their studies.. Most reverend gentlemen, moreover, like good dinners, according to Dean Swirt, whose lady’s maid in Hamil- ton’s Bawn observes— * T ne’er knew a parson without a good nose.” and a dinner combining material with moral goodness would be an irresistible attraction to the cloth. For want of any more exciting kind of amusement, it might really worth the while of any fortunate youth about Town to try feeding the hungry.

Warrented Witty. TuEre’s Zittlebat Titmouse, and, sitting to try him Sam WARREN, inquiring de die in diem. The question ’s Is Titmouse as sane as most men ? What fun, if the verdict should be, Vow and Then. Such an act of generosity would be just as good a joke as| HUMPHREY AND HUMBUG. | AstroLocy seems to have an attraction for ALDERMAN HumPHREY- | One day we find him puffing Zapxkret, and the next putting Rarwary | to his purgation. We are half inclined to let the one deed balance the other, and to forgive the Alderman for his burst of admiration at the impudent Quack, in consideration of the sharp and steady jobation he bestowed upon the impudent Jew. In the first case HumenRrey called the attention of the reporter to the fact that the humbug Zapxret, who has been “guessing” at everybody’s death for the last dozen years, at last was right in saying that a distinguished person would be removed in 1861. We were in a rage when we saw Humpurey excited by such trash, and had just given orders to our own astrologer to prophesy “a fearful misfortune” for Humpurey himself on the 15th August next, only we could not inake up our minds whether we should announce that he would lose his waek make his nose bleed, or have his hair cut too short. While we were perpending, we received the report of the Rapuazt case. Here an old Jew, who was interrogated by the Alderman as to the details of a queer looking case, and who contradicted himself in the most flagrant manner, tried to bully the Alderman, talked about being insulted, threatened to refuse to reply, and generally behaved so ill, that it was pleasant to see HumPHREY tackle him. The Alderman was like Rodmond, in the Stipwreck, with the harpoon over the dolphin :— ‘* HuMPHREY, unerring, o’er his head suspends The barbed steel, and every turn attends, Back, for a better cast, a moment drew, Then, plunging, struck the unconverted Jew.”

The process was so well managed, and RaPHakt was so neatly pinned, |that we resolved to forgive the ZapKIEeL nonsense. But no more | puffing of quacks, ALDERMAN Humpurey, or we may have the gift of prophecy on ws. | |

One For THE AMERICAN Orcan.—If there were any rebel Sepoys, | and they set up a paper, why would it resemble an Order of Knight- | hood ?—Because it would be the Star of India.

Printed by William Bradbur, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Par! Pri fice in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of Londoa, and Publi nters, at their O: London.—Satvuapay, January 11, 1862. k, both in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, by them at No. 85, Fleet Street ,in the Parish of St. Bride, in the City 01

a ap ste Biotec rd wise.

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inned, - more zift af jepoys, night- —<——— diesex, City of

January 18, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

fi» | I i Pil Nh A | ems / ARTFUL! Dodge of Little Sperks, showing how Parties below the Middle Height, by the use of Miniature Background Furniture, may gain a more Imposing Stature in the Carte de Visite.

THE YAHOOS OF THE YANKEE PRESS. Tue ridiculous want of conscientiousness, consistency, and shame, evinced by the American Press in discussing the Trent affair has led the Zimes to the conclusion that the articles in certain Yankee journals most remarkable for deficiency in morality, modesty, and logic, are the work of other than American hands; of hands such as those | which may be conceived to have registered the autobiography of Barry | Lynpon ; hands which appear to have exchanged the shillelagh for the pen. That this view is partially, at least, correct, nobody can doubt who considers the subjoined extract from that highly respectable family newspaper, the New York Herald :— “There are five millions of Irish ready to throw off the British yoke, and to aid the American — when she gives the signal for the retribution of British wrongs, never to be forgiven till they are redressed and avenged.” The wrongs described as never to be forgiven till they are avenged can possibly have been so described by nobody but a frantic Irishman. Any other savage, the stupidest in the world, would have known that a wrong could not be avenged first and forgiven afterwards. The passage above quoted is as genume a specimen of a Bull as ever was exhibited y an Irish Member in the House of Commons. It is a purely Irish bull, not Americanised in the least ; a bull without a cross of the buffalo. It proclaims the nationality of its author as plainly as it could if he had uttered it, by word of mouth, in the richest | aa It denotes him to be an Irishman of a peculiar class; one which exists, and is more or less numerous in every nation, but is much less numerous in Ireland now than it was before its numbers had been greatly reduced by emigration to the United States. This particularly mad bull, and all the other characteristic effusions of Irish malignity which render the Federal papers ludicrous, can only be regarded—or disregarded—as the utter- ances of Irish blackguards, However, we must recollect that it was a genuine American states- man who in haranguing on the fisheries question some years ago, assigned, as one reason why his countrymen should persist in poaching | in our waters, the circumstance that “ they were very valuable.” That | paralysis or absence of the moral sense, which is so diverting when ' exhibited by a Clown in a pantomime, is a complaint or a defect at least as prevalent among native Yankees as it is among the reinforcements which the American populace derives from the refuse of Ireland. Would that the complaint may be aiways curable without bleeding !

MAGIC SAILORS. We have for some weeks past been haunted by a certain “ Magic | Sailor,” who has stared us in the face in almost every newspaper, and ‘even has been present to us in our own fly-leaf. He is said therein to be “ a characteristic figure, which dances, kee ing time to music” (and that’s more than some young swells do) “creating roars of laughter, defying detection ;” and another of his good qualities is, that he “ can be sent post free for eighteen stamps.” But for this latter ' statement we might have thought this Magic Sailor formed one of | those belonging to our Naval Reserve; for this body really seems to |have sprung up by magic, so suddenly and swiftly has it grown to a | great force. It ‘‘ defies detection,” too, of any want of loyalty, as has | been shown by the alacrity with which it has stepped forward, and has | made the Goverument an offer of its services, whenever there be need to call them forth. Indeed this insult to our flag has flown like magic | through our fleet, and there is no doubt that at any time, should it ibe repeated, our sailors one and all will act as Magic Sailors, and, as though touched by wizard’s wand, will do whatever bidding may be needful-for our honour, as well as for their own.

After-Dinner Playfulness. Innocent Wife. How very beautiful those American apples are! What a lovely complexion they have to be sure! Do you know what part of America they come from ? Wag of a Husband. Annapolis, dear.

VOL. XT1I,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ; [January 18, 1862, FACIT INDIGNATIO VERSUM. Mx. Bricut and Mr. Olaking ot poetry in | their respected or- | mo al fi : and oh of —~ Nit America, orn- Wh, I} ANY ing Star. The Ame- VA lf *, Sti rican crisis has Y brought out the Z cal powers of i, e two gentlemen, and they aauesy assail the hen the’ Eagish en is view of the late diffi- culty. To this course there can + = objection ; the r and the New York Na V4 UY GY Mi fi} /] ' ~ | 2 ES = vast the poetical effusions of Messus. Bricut and CospeEx, which otherwise might be read only in a limited and uneducated circle. He that he has not space for the whole of the poems, but has selected the very best verses. The one poet attacks the Zimes, the other ventures upon Mr. Punch, We give the pas to Mr. Barreut’s onslaught upon the elder journal :— “WAR, * Morning Star, January 7. “ Though millions run to waste! And thousand lives are lost ! * Last year it was the Frank, { Lay like a couchant pard, | To leap upon our flank, | If he caught us off our guard. ** Yet blood ! blood ! blood ; Screams the sanguinary Times / Oh God ! that miscreants should (shud) Grow rich upon their crimes ! “« The frenzy came and went, | And now we ’re hounded on, Our annual bile to vent On prostrate JONATHAN (thon). “ And when the poor complain, With cheeks and fingers blue, Lay them upon the plain, Of another Peterloo !"” ** Blood ! give us blood to taste ! No matter what the cost ! Allowances must be made for a middle-aged gentleman, but a young poet. The rhyming “on” to “JonaTHay,” and “blood” to “shud,” may be referred to the provincial dialect, but “complain” with = is less defensible. But these are ts = the sun, or rather upon the Star; and as Cuaries Dance has observed, in one of his wittiest burlesques :— “ O, Madam, when a man is in a flurry, He hasn't time to think of LivpLey Murray.” | The delicacy and grace of the poem, its truthfulness, and its logic, are worthy of | the school whence it emanates, and should elevate it above the sphere of aristo- you, Longus Comes) been a Mocking Bird, and we must not be hypercritical. The words of Mercury are harsh after the songs of Apollo, and Mr. Punch will abstain from any further anno- tations, pred that his humble efforts have been the — of eliciting such delightful music from the American NO FUSS WITH SLIDELL AND MASON. To the People of Southampton. My prar Peoria, Hurrau! Strpenn and Mason are surrendered— and QuEEN ANNE is no more, Hip, hip, hip, hurrah! We shall soon have the mmissioners over here. They will very likely land at your port: and that is why I now address you. You are a most hospitable People, a highly enthusi- astic People, a People much addicted to demonstrations of all kinds, es ly to demonstrations complimentary to distinguished foreigners who do themselves the honour of paying you a visit, You glorify them and give them dinners, on which occasions your orators make the most — speeches, in honour of your guests, on things in general. ou feasted Kossurm some years ago, and the other day epee the AncupuKs or AvsTaia. Apparently you *t much mind whom you it is a celebrity. N But now don’t go iotng Sue and Mason. We have narrowly — being involved in a war because of a notion on t of the Yankees that we sympathise with the South. It is advisable for us to abstain from any act which may tend to confirm that absurd but inveterate persuasion. They are as mad as snakes because the Nashville is lying in your docks. If you ask SimeELL = ror to dinner, and drink their healths, and ae them and your orators spouting 8 ying, an extolling the British Lion, Yankee D , who does not understand your enthusiastic hospitality, and demonstra- tiveness, will assuredly reg your welcome of the Southern Commissioners as a declaration on the part of the people of England for the Confederate side. Invite those gentlemen to dine at your own houses if you like, but beware lest, by giving them what Continental editors call an “ ovation,” you cause all of your country-men to be lumped by the Yankees as Confederates with the Southern Confederacy. Be pleased, therefore, to deny yourselves on this occasion, for once, the gratification of feasting illustrious strangers, and oblige your obedient humble servant, PUNCH. P.S. My advice to you is also my advice to Liverpool. N.B. Surexrt and Mason can have little power to promote the commercial interests of Southampton. ENDLESS RESOURCES. | eratie criticism, which fastidiously refuses, as GzorGE HerBert says, “to pick out treasures from an earthen pot,” and distrusts sentiment clothed in bad grammar. | Congratulating Mx. Bricur on his poetical success, let us pass on to the more | | ch and humorous strains of his friend Mr. Cospry, who, justly regarding | = wach as addicted to fun, deems it proper to be fumny in remonstrating with | | “THE COUNTRY COUSIN’S ADDRESS TO PUNCH. | “* Morning Star, January 9. { “ Why, Punch, what makes you foam and rile ** Your fun has into brimstone turn’d, About the Yankees so? Sure you have got a fit of bile, That makes you furious, oh ! Hence all your fulminations ; Will nothing do for squibs and jokes But war with other nations? * Have you been bitten by the Times, “ Now, just abate your fighting spleen, Or what has raised your choler? | And try a little reason, Now take it easy, Punch, my boy, And hatch at least a joke or two, And do not rave and holler. At this most joking season.” Now this, as comic poetry, appears to Mr. Punch to be very meritorious. The “oh,” in the first verse may not seem exactly called for; but rhymes are as despotic as democrats, and “so” demanded “oh,” though “wo!” the carter’s exclamation, or “ bo,” the Suffolk endearment, and many other words will occur to Mr. Coppen, under similar difficulties, when he shall have had more practice in composition. We regret to see that both poets are unaware that the same syllables should not be used twice, and Mr. Bricut’s “complain” and “plain” are paral- leled by Mr. Coppen’s “nations” and “fulminations.” Still, the verses do the Ly that organ of purity and honour, the Wew York Herald, we find the following promise to pay :— “The storm may blow over, but it will leave a debt of abuse from England to be repaid hereafter by America.” We must say that “a debt of abuse” would be about the very last debt that America would be ever likely to repu- diate. In fact, why need she be guilty of dishonesty, when the resources she has at her command are so inexhaustible as to be more than sufficient to meet every claim of that nature that might be made upon her? Were the entire World her customers in abuse, we have not the slightest doubt but that she would pay every one of them in full. Thanks to its Press, it is the one source of wealth that America is never likely to be bankrupt in. When the hour of payment, as generously indicated above by the New York Herald, does arrive, we propose that, in considera- tion of his superior efficiency in that department, Mr. Gorpon Bennett be appointed pay-master. Only let him draw upon his imagination, and we will back him to repay any amount of abuse. e is so liberal in this respect, that it must have been a mistake on the part of Nature when she made him a Scotchman, The O’Donyanoo might authors credit. The American Muse has almost invariably (not that we forget fairly claim him as a brother. a a ee aad ee a a. ae a |

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January 18, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 23 OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. ERTAINLY, my dear Punch, for fathers of large families and for kind S — un- cles (may the bumps of their benevolenee never grow a shadow less!) Christmas, as now kept, is a er costly time. What with Christmas trees Christmas _ presen Christmas sights _ Christmas pantomines, there are ae J ot temptations for spend- ing one’s spare silver, and when one sees haw great a pleasure a few shillings will procure, it is difficult to with- stand the allurements of the time. Besides. > AvuncuLus or Pater | may have themselves a relish for juvenile ‘ _ amusements, and may like to see a pantomime not alone to hear their children laugh, but to laugh themselves. I know that certain solemn, staid and sober people affect to fancy that our age is too tened for such pastimes, and that an evening with an or some stale Dissolving Views, or a nice long-winded lecture about Optics or Pneumatics, the Air-pump or the Diving-bell, is now far more to the taste of the rising generation than the frivolous and uninstructive pleasures of the stage. But I never shall belieye that such can be the ease, while I see such happy faces every Christmas at the Theatre ; and if Lever meet a child | (I heve never met one yet) who will profess to hate a pantomime and | to love a lecture, I shall look upon that infant as a pitiable object, or else a young impostor whom I should wish to pinch. “There must be grown up children who retain a lingering remnant of their liking for a pantomime, as there are men who yet eat pancakes and enjoy a hot cross bun. Indeed, I can’t help fancying their number is increasing, for every year the theatres are more and more attended | for their pantomimes alone, and the largest is kept open solely by the | profits of its pantomimic season. I suppose that it must be to please these grown-up children that the scenery each Christmas is more pro- | minent and splendid, and every year the stage effects are made more | highly spiced. “ Children not grown up are by nature inexpensive and simple in their tastes, and a touch of the hot poker will more charm the infant mind than any quantity of tinfoil, gas and glitter and red fire. Watch the house the while a Gorgeous Transformation Scene unfolds itself, and see the listless look that pervades the younger faces, followed not infrequently by the actual gape. But directly Clown appears and floors and jumps upon old Pantaloon, the little eyes all sparkle, and the little hands are clapped, and the little lips are parted by the joyous little laugh. “ Of all Fines of amusement there are few more fit for children than the Crystal Palace, and at Christmas it is made especially attractive to them, and this year more than ever such has been the case. ‘That = Christmas Tree alone is worth a trip to Sydenham, and every aterfamilias who either can’t or won't afford the cost and care of having one in his own house ought to take his olive-branches to the Crystal Tree, and treat them to a fair share of its crystallised as well as its less edible, yet doubtless hardly more entduring, fruits. There is, besides, a Christmas Fair, so stocked with pretty playthings that fathers with full pockets are half tempted to infanticide, by loading their small children with more toys than they can carry, and buying them more shillingsworths of sugarplums and sweeties than their young digestions are fitted to consume. Moreover the ‘Great. MacKNEY’ is there with his blacked face, to warble nigger songs which would fall flat without it: while the wondrous ‘ Perfect Cure’ with his incessant foot-high jumps throughout a song that lasts five minutes, shows that longs when helped a may make the worst of music popular. And then, as a climax, there ’s the ‘pantomimic drama,’ wherein Monsteur Bioxpuy in the character of a monkey does such tricks as must delight all the ‘ young monkeys’ who behold him, and may tempt them when at home to practise walking up the banis and | it is difficult to A PRETTY SITE FOR A KING. | M. THovvENEL is again impressing upon CaRDINAL ANTONELLI the | expediency of getting rid of Francis THE Szconp. He wishes that | dethroned monarch (or Brigand de Roi, as we might now call him) to select any place but. Rome for his residence. Of course, if Bompainxo could have his choiee, he would give the preference to Naples over | every other capital. We think we can meet his wishes in this respect. | At Burrorn’s Panorama, there is at present exhibiting a capital view | of Naples. It is so like the original, that the oldest lazzaroni would not be able to tell the difference. There is the Bay, Vesuvius, St. Angelo, everything complete. The couleur locale is so charming that jeve one is in Leicester Square. ‘There is, , 2 British man-of-war with a British admiral on board. Its steam is already up, and it could be hailed as quickly as a-cab im case there was any necessity for immediate escape. a doesn’t Francis take up his quarters at this Panorama? By thi he could still live in Naples without being in the slightest danger. he has any poetry in his soul, he might easily cheat hi into the belief he was the monarch of all he surveyed. We have no doubt that Mr. Burrorp would allow him to live there rent free, if His Majesty would but con- sent to have himself advertised amongst the other attractions of the place. Without a question, a live King would draw. It is not every day that one has a chanee of seeing a monarch with so many claims to —_ admiration as young Bompa! When Francis was getting a ttle stale, his wife might then be thrown in to revive the furor. If | she would appear in male costume, and every now and then smoke a cigar, all London would be sure to run after her. Care, however, should be taken that the Royal Lota Mowrss is not permitted to have a horsewhip, or any offensive weapon, in her hand, or else the public might fear to approach her playful Majesty as dutifully as they otherwise would, We think the great good sense of our proposition will recommend it to the notice of all politicians, as it very happily gets over an European | difficulty. It removes Bompa from Italy, and yet enables him to live once more in his own capital. However, as we should like his Majesty | to be as comfortable as possible in his new quarters, we suggest that one little obstacle be instantly removed. Im this same panorama, GaRrIBaLpr is the pine figure. Now, as it is clear that Francis would take immediately to his legs the moment he saw the shadow of the Saviour of Italy, the latter must be indueed to retire from the mimic scene before the illusion can be made perfect in the eyes of the former. The two never could inhabit the same spot, and besides, GARTBALDI as the rea! Naples to console himself with. We hope, therefore, soon to be able to announce the departure from Rome of the ex-Kine or Napies and swife, and their safe arrival at Burrorp’s Panorama, Leicester Square. THE PAPAL PEDIGREE. THe Pore has been indulging in another of his usual profanities, things which make it necessary for the heads of Catholic families to look carefully into his Hotnvess’s speeches before leaving them about for the ladies and children of the family to see. He has been comparing himself to Davin, and Louis Napotzoy, the son of the Church, to Axssatom, and reminding his audience that ABsaLom was slain hanging from a tree. But for mixing levity with revered history, we should say that judging by appearanees, it is the Pore himself who is “up a tree” just now. But the Holy Father did not say, he only implied, that ABsaLom was not killed by the tree, but was assassinated, stabbed, by a blood-thirsty friend of Davin himself. Has Pore Pius blessed the dagger of a Joan? Or has his Hoxiyess sent out so many assassins into his own dominions that he has no more to spare. Truly this Evil old man must come of the blood of the Borgias. A Masonic Ditty. Sve high diddle diddle, The Colleague of StipELL, Released from the Stone Jug, or bason, And by England recerved, May now be believed ** A Free, and an accepted Mason.” N.B. Mr. Punch would have liked to make this last line better, but the false accent is dear to the Craft. A STATIONARY CORPS. 4 t isters, or play at football eg the baby, or take a lot of flying leaps from ehair to chair across drawing-room, in imitation of the acrobats when doing the { * One wHo Pays.” We hear of a constitutional force in Canada entitled the Sedentary Militia. Were it composed of raseally Rowdies instead of gallant Canadians, we would propose that the Sedentary Militiamen should receive the name of “ The Squatters.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 18, 1862. ef Z 4 g ‘ My Vj, / ) GY ig 5 yy jy) Yi oh UY Uy Yo LLL UZ “4, A 7 vy, To Yj Ze Wittowe \S Wp ¥ WY aAiU Yi Y 4 y . FF if th fi am ( THE BATTUE. Swell Keeper (to party assembled). “Now, I wants a COUPLE 0’ LorpDs, FORRAD—A COUPLE 0’ LORDS ON THE RIGHT, AND A COUPLE o’ Lords ON THE LEFT! (Turning to humble Commoner in Knickerbockers and Zouave gaiters.) You TRY THE HicH StuFF WITH THE BEATERS, AND TAKE YOUR CHANCE OF A HARE BACK.” WHAT WE OWE TO WILKES. We hope, when Parliament meets, that it will pass a vote of thanks | to brave old Caprarn Wuxes, for his g ¢ and undaunted seizure of the 7rent, and heroic capture of two unresisting “ rebels.” this bold exploit we really should have passed a very dreary winter. There is generally a dearth of news in the ,; come and seen and conquered as he nobly did. He has gained the | thanks of his own country, it is true, and has been speechified an | feasted doubtless to his heart’s content. But’ something surely might | be done to testify our thanks, for his having given us a most. prolific | topic for daily conversation. Would he like a statue? ora spittoon ? | or a whittling knife? or, as he seems expert in blowing his own trumpet, shall we invite him over here to our next Brass Band Contest, and salute him upon entering with “ See the Conquering Hero Comes ?”’ The Captain certainly has not’a small amount of brass about him, and as he has proved himself a man of metal, a contest of this kind would be doubtless to his taste. His aim throughout has been to make a noise in the world, the same as other truipeters, and in this he has in some degree succeeded, though the noise which he has made has been a rather empty sound. Still, as we have said, something must be done for him to testify our thanks; and meanwhile, until the right thing is suggested, we beg leave to present him with the Freedom of the Punch Office—that is to say, we shall make free to poke our weekly fun at him as long as we think fit. Extravagance of the Law. ! inst the shameful waste of money in a still-pending lunacy case. However, great as the outlay undoubtedly has been, it must appear comparatively small to a Judge, who, unaided, and with his own single hand, successfully managed in a very short space of time to run through his Zen Thousand a Year / Loup has been the public outery But for | ‘ dull season, and this year | would have formed no exception to the rule, had not the brave WILKEs | FIGHTS TO COME. (From the “ Belligerent Life.”’) Great excitement prevails in the pugnacious world at this moment on account of the expected fight between Z'uscarora, the Northern pet, and the Southern Dodger, Nashville. It may be remembered that Nash- ville met Harvey Birch some short time ago and entirely demolished him after a round or two. Harvey Birch went down, having received “a hot un,” which knocked him out of time. Nashville was much the stronger party, and came off without a scratch. Tuscarora promises to be a very. different customer to Harvey Birch, and is superior in science, and power of hitting to Nashville; but pluck goes a great way, and the Southern Dodger does not appear down on its Tuck. We hear that Sumter, the American Slasher, is on his way to Southampton to challenge Tuscarora should Nashville get the worst of it in the anticipated encounter. ‘The P oy are on the alert, and may perhaps put the kibosh on this little affair. ae a NEEDLESS TROUBLE. “*The singers composing the Llanddyfnan and Llanfairmathafarneithaf choirs were entertained to dinner and tea at the Rev. W. WILLIAMs’s residence at Tyddyu, on New Year’s Day. We recommend our English friends not to attempt to read this paragraph aloud.”—Oswestry Advertiser. THE Oswestry Advertiser is a very nice paper, and its recommen- dations are, we are sure, offered in the kindest spirit. But we beg to assure our friend that we have not the slightest intention of reading the above paragraph aloud. We are tired of the Du Cuariuv contro- versy, and do not wish to bother our friends with any more information about the Gorilla countries, two of which we suppose the above-named laces to be. The Rev. W. Wix.1aMms’s zoological investigations, and indness to the creatures in question, however, deserve praise, and we suppose that a paper by him will be read at the next meeting of the Regent’s Park Society. ; «AOL TIO ALL rTTyyrT TwmeyeayyT eT aT wr NnyT OVa—TT Over VY arwremr Ff ateorrseyr ee Ceaeeeseeam aeawes A OTNT wWowa oaorst tor atun

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January 18, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. GEMS FROM THE WEST. EveRYTHING being now serene in the American direction, Mr. Punch proposes to begin to renew his expressions of admiration of a good many American institutions. And in the first place he begs to signify his entire admiration of the kindness of the trans-Atlantic on in i a views 4 — and orem papers are mercenary usive. lodger or swindler, who can put his advertisements into a decently decorous and tradesmanly form, can advertise as much and as long as he likes. But affairs of the heart are treated with much ; and any advertisement that might be called a Gusher, would be sternly rejected by the clerk, with: out his taking the trouble to count the words. Even the celebrated Second Column is carefully edited, and we believe vigilant watch is kept lest the effusions of enamoured or bereaved lovers should find their way among the ciphers, and invocations to bolting better halves. But under the softer skies of America the clerks are gentler. Here is a little list of advertisements which Mr, Punch cuts from a New York paper sent him by Lorp Lyons :— FPWIN.—MEET ANNIE WITH THE HUNDRED CURLS at 214, Wooster Street, between this and Tuesday. LE THE YOUNG LADY DRESSED IN BLACK SILK DRESS, heavy black cloak, black velvet hat, walking with young lady wearing stone coloured dress, also with gentlemen, and who particularly recog- nised a gentleman corner of Broadway and Eleventh Street, who after- wards passed at New York Hotel and there stopped, would favour the said gentleman with an acquaintance, address Tom FenNEL, Union Square Post-office, stating when and where. Jj ULlA D. F. CAN OBTAIN HER PORTMONNAIE, which she dropped in a Fourth Avenue omnibus on Saturday evening, by addressing a line to CHarig, station D, Post-office. [ 2UTENANT—To-Day, AT 4, IN AMITY STREET. E. PLEASE CALL FOR A LETTER AT THE OFFICE. Do not be discouraged. Hope for the best. 8. G. ALLY — YOU WILL FIND A LETTER FOR YOU IN THE Broadway post office, addressed as above. B. HE LADY WHO WALKED DOWN BROADWAY IN COM- pany with a gentleman, last Friday night about 7 o’clock, and who passed near Houston Street the gentleman whom she saw last Monday a week ago, about 6 o'clock, while stopping before Ball, Black & Co.’s store, would greatly oblige that gentleman by granting him an interview through Personals. CHARLEY M. [THE LADY WHO CROSSED THE FERRY YESTERDAY AFTER- noon about 1 o'clock, from Jersey City, wearing a black plush bonnet, trimmed with a m and black feather ; brown cloth basque, plain black silk dress, trimmed with two rows of red velvet ribbon ; carrying a mink muff in her hand, allow the gentleman who sat almost opposite to her in a Broadway and Fourth Avenue stage, and then passed her ee on the side waik on Fourth Avenue, between Twenty- third and Twenty-fourth streets, the pleasure of her acquaintance. If so, address HENRY ARNOLD, Union Square, post-office. Vy T. F. LA CROSSE—YOUR BEAUTIFUL LITTLE THOUGHT * came, so fine, so valuable now. ‘‘ Meeting” N. K. Y. is good policy. Do not think I forget. Here and yonder. ZAIDEE. wit THE LADY WHO YESTERDAY SHOOK HANDS WITH the gentleman in Grand Street, near Broadway, kindly grant him an address and interview. Address Californian, box 144 Herald office. WY*NONA.—PALE FACE WILL BE PROMPT. Seven o'clock, Sunday. way DID NOT MAROON COLORED DRESS MEET ME TO- DAY. Meet me on Monday, same time and place, without fail. HUDSON RIVER RAILROAD, Friday. A YOUNG MAN, 24 YEARS OF AGE, WELL OFF, OWNS A large farm, clear of debt, wants to marry some young lady who is | deed well educated, virtuous, handsome, and voluptuous in form, and not fs 22. Address Harriss S. Witson, Dover, Morris county, New ersey, A YouNG GENTLEMAN WITH A WARM HEART AND COM- fortable independence, wishes to become acquainted with a youn lady not over eighteen, with a view to matrimony ; a sweet face, cheerfu heart, and a small fi re, are desirable. The advertiser is considered ae, and is full of life and fun. Address Maxwerxt, Herald ce. CAPTAIN IN THE ARMY IS. DESIROUS OF CORRESPOND- ing with a lady of refinement and education, with the view of — an acquaintance with her, which, should he-sutvive the war, might lead to a happy union. He would request.a carte de visite of the correspondent to be enclosed, which will be returned by mail, and, with communication, keep strictly private, upon’his honour. Address Carr. BatcHEtor, Newport News, Va. A WIDOW, CALLED DESIRABLE, POSSESSING MEANS, WOULD like to correspond with a middle-aged or elderly gentleman com- fortably situated, with a view to matrimony. Adin SrRANGER, Station D, Bible House Post Office. ATRIMONY.—PERSONS OF EITHER SEX WISHING TO AC- quire the art of psychologic fascination, enabling them to win the affections of anyone they wish to marry, can do so by enclosing a stamp- directed envelope to T. Wiru1ams & Co,, Publishers, Box 2,300 Post- Office, Philadelphia. This last is a clincher, and applies to all the advertisers. Can we not shame our own cold press into something more like heart? Su; our American friend, the Star, sets the example, and opens a oe to this sort of thing. We will be a frequent contributor. WHERE SUCH THINGS ARE BOUGHT. — reply of one of Mr. Punch’s young men, to whom a stranger ered the Por- it. tting it aside, wih lots oupenianity, Jie with lofty superiority, Mr. Punch’s Young Man said “* Nos etiam in Arcadia” — “T, too, have been iv the Lowther Arcade.” LAUDATUR AB HISS. A emi- nently ridiculous. M. Ep- monD Axsovur writes a lay, called Gaétana, and Axsout has elsewhere written against Rome, a cabal condemns his drama, without hearing it. This is a small revenge by the priest-party, but the Master of France has had an opportunity of co what the clerical faction would do if it dared. It is a great comfort, and a safeguard for mankind, that priests can seldom keep their tempers long, and that they in barking before they can bite. We doubt whether the Odéon has done much for the Vatican—meantime we will de the Porx’s work, and canonise M. Asout as Epmonp the Confessor and Martyr. WORK FOR PENWOMEN. Tue possibility of successfully employing young ladies in situations which have hitherto been snemen y by young men, has been much canvassed lately. There seems to be no sufficient cause why girls should aot be eligible to undertake the occupation of bankers’ clerks, albeit at present many of them eg understand a cheque to mean a pattern. Would they do as well for solicitors’ copying clerks? We don’t see why they should not, with proper instruction; which might possibly induce them to use t enough to draw out a upon, and when they had fairly filled one skin to take another, and go on writing thereupon, ins f making the sheet already oO engrossed serve twice over, by the expedient of “ crossing” it, A Matter of Time. Cane, we are told, killed the Cat. “The Society for the Abolition of Flogging in the Army and Navy” should take comfort from the above fact. Let them but persevere in their good endeavours, and, with Care, they may, also, s in killing the Cat.

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- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 18, 1862. \ AK \ Wy 4 Pane ae Nex Nan 706) YN S ores Wad = IN THE CLOAK ROOM OF OUR CLUB. The above amusement is Innocence and Harmlessness itself—but would it not have been wiser first to have shut the inner door ? A ROAR FROM JOHN BULL. I am a Bull, a quiet Bull; _Wish not to quarrel any more : No lambkin milder walks in wool ; Until provoked, I never gore: And that’s just why, when forced to fight, ‘To push and toss I do not cease, | With all my soul and strength and might, Until I re-establish peace. A Bull I am begirt with brutes, Wolves, bears, and tigers, beasts of prey, I wish they’d mind their own pursuits, And not keep getting in my way. My aim is ever to stand clear Of all concern with their affairs ; But not a jot 1’ll yield, for fear Of any tigers, wolves, or bears. Those Yankees, when they knew that I Don’t like it, oh! how could they be Such stupid creatures as to try To injure and impose on me ? They ’ve seen what I can bear, and spend, Aggressive insolence to stem, War I should rne; but, in the end, *T would be a great deal worse for them. Would aliens only not molest, Me, and each other leave alone, No more for self-defence assessed Should I beneath taxation groan ; On this or that, or t’other side, Some neighbour always menaced by, Armed to the teeth I’m forced to bide ; Oh, what an ill-used Bull am I! The American Complaint. We read that the New York Banks have suspended cash payments. Coin is becoming so scarce that Barnum is about to advertise “A Dox~tarR on View!!” at Museum. Poor America never was in such a fearfully low state, and, with her credit and constitution shaken as they are, we are sorely puzzled to know however she will get over this terrible attack of tick-dollar-eux ? PREACHING AND PLAYING. “* A CoRRESPONDENT of the Zimes, under the signature of *An English Churchman,’ complains that the Bisnor or RocuEsTER’s test for msuring the ability of clergymen to read, is inadequate. The bishop requires candidates for ordination to produce certificates of the sufficiency of their voice from their parish priest, or some personal friend, and to stand a trial of their audible powers in a church, by a reverend examiner appointed by the prelate himself for that purpose. on — of this plan is intimated by the ‘ English Churchman’ to small. “Tf the Bisnor or Rocuester, and his brethren in lawn, were accustomed to patronise the drama as much as they might, considering the highly respectable and moral character which it now bears, they would see how the voice of a young actor, if inaudible, very soon gets raised to the required pitch; Cries of ‘ _— up!’ resounding from both the upper and lower regions of the house generally produce an immediate rise of tone. ‘The would-be performer soon learns how to render the request unnecessary, or perceives the necessity of retiring from the stage. Now, could not the stage be used as a school for the sr We do sometimes observe ability in the pulpit which would ve made a fortune on the stage ? “T don’t mean, Mr. Punch, to propose that young clergymen should, as a condition to ordination, be required to go throng a series of representations of such performances as Turning the Tables, High Life Below Stairs, or Box and Cox, as these are imbued with a comicality oe perhaps rather too broad to be consistent with the decorum expected of | a candidate for orders, gx ol they would serve admirably to train up a youth intended for the Tabernacle in the way he should preach, or lecture on Shrews and the Gorilla. Nor do I even suggest Macbeth or Othello, or Richard III. ; though the bishops surely might stand Hamlet. But why not let the ’prentice ns practise elocution in the perform - ance of mysteries and miracle-plays, which some of your young.men might write as well as any of CarprnaL WisEman’s, who dramatised his Fabiola for him—unless he did it himself. Let us have a new clerical playhouse, built, if necessary, in one of the medieval styles of architecture, to be called ‘The Bishops’? or ‘The Bishops’ | Theatre,’ and further styled ‘Theatre Episcopal.’ This might be a High Church Theatre; the opposite party might give their series of serious performances in Exeter Hall. The money taken at the doors might, after defraying the necessary expenses, go to purposes of Church Extension ; High Church Extension on the one hand, and Low Church Extension on the other; whilst the Broad Church likewise | might open a House of its own, and raise funds with a view to Broad | Church Extension. Each House might play its own peculiar class of | pieces, and, contemporary dramatic talent failing to yield a suitable | supply, they might all at any time fall back upon the Sacred Dramas of Mrs. Hannan More. | “One important advantage of the establishment of clerical theatres would be, that they would afford employment in the capacities of walking reverend gentlemen, supernumeraries, and scene-shifters, to those ne- | cessitous clergymen now out of work, for whom if the Church can find | nothing better to do, and cannot afford them out-door relief, it might as well provide them with theatrical engagements at any rate as leave ‘them to!starve. What would the spiritual = say just now to a Serious Pantomime, in which poor young Curates might snpes as | Clown and Harlequin, their wives as Columbine, and aged and decrepit clergymen as Pantaloon? That the idea is absurd? Not so absurd, | Mr. Punch, as the starvation of clergymen amidst ecclesiastical plenty Such at least is the opinion of your constant subscriber and evoted | admirer, ** GraviTas.” “PS. A sort of clerical dramatic entertainment is now in course of | performance in the Court of Arches. I allude to the farce of Sarum |v, Wituiams, which seems rather likely to have a run.” MOTTO FOR A ROPE-WALKER, | ** Funis coronat opus.’

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j Wij, Ml Janvary 18, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a BLACKIE ON HIS BREED. N Friday night last week a lecture on the nationality and character of a peculiar people was delivered at the Glasgow Atheneum by ProressoR Bracks. The eculiar people on which a Brackts would be best qualified to lecture may be su be negroes rather than Jews, or any other branch of the human family. Such a conject however, is worthy only a creature the most con- temptible of mankind in Proressor BLacktn’s sight —a Cockney. The name Buckie, ty the readers of Punch, is of course asso- ciated with that nationality i urishes North of Mis), “hi M's LL 1) p K yy which flo the Tweed. ‘The nationality | 7tn, and character on which he i L lectured were the Scotch, or Scottish, to speak by the Caledonian card. The perusal of the sub- joined extracts from the Professor’s discourse will suggest the question, he delivered it after dinner, How mueh toddy had auld had? There is much spirit in its very commencement; Buackie thus opening with a flourish of — “ Proresson BLackre, who on rising warmly received, him pleasure to be allowed to speak on the subject ot boomin + iey im whet be eld to be the Capital of Scotland, so far at least as Scottish life and national were concerned. Hie did not speak as a flaming, blazing, smoking patriot, but as a thinker, and as a philosopher; and whatever the Cockneys —_ they did not and could not deny that one Scotchman as Speculation in his noddle as twenty or a hundred Englishmen.” So Proressor Biacxre by his own account speaks as a thinker and a philosopher, and as a 4 , smoking Scotch patriot too. Shall we say that he confutes his countryman Macbeth, who asserts that no man can be temperate and furious ina moment? Well, the tem- perance is doubtful. The patriot must have been drinking as well as smoking. The Professor was nae fou, certainly, nae that fou, but surely had just a drappie in his ee when he propounded the above comparative estimate of Scottish and English brains. In the ensuing passage, con- ceived in the same pm spirit, there is a certain haziness, moreover, that reminds one of the mist, not of the sky, but of the vision, through which the lecturer, under circumstances of moonshine, woul have been able to of the moons :— “ He did not see any advantage at all, either for practical use, or as a principle on which the world was to be constituted, of having all men alike—of converting Irishmen and Scotchmen into Englishmen—that the Cockney brain, capable of only one paltry idea, should find — to te its absolute despotism, or trouble its small circle of conception out beyond itself.” The obscurity of the concluding sentence relative to the Cockney brain might be thought due to a drappie which had just a wee obfuscated the ee, at any rate of the mind. Proressor Biackre perhaps was inadequately reported by the paper from which we quote him. Surely he lectured in his mother tongue oe did ~ bark or yelp like one of the “Englified puppies ” denounce ereinunder :— perhaps ken the horn of the moon, or rather perhaps the horns “ He did not know what the yo gentlemen in Glasgow thought of themselves, but he knew there were many in Bain h, who, like the editor of the Courant, were ‘ Englified’ puppies—they had no Scottish ideas, and knew nothing of the f ; even the servant girls were now forgetting to speak Scotch.” According to Brackre, Scotland has a language of her own, second to no other of the Germanic tongues :— “The Scotch dialect was one that had its own characteristics, its own distinctly marked peculiarities, its own capacities, and its own beauties, as much as the Doric language in which Prvpar wrote, as distinguished from the dialect in which in which SaaksPEaRE wrote was not that wherein he ought to have written at least the particular tragedy above alluded to. Macbeth, of course, should have been composed in broad Scotch. Could Proresson Bracxre recast that work in the national mould? ¢ may, however, be respectfully questioned whether broad Scotch, fine as it may be, is eed much finer than broad Hampshire. The clowns of North and South Britain may, in respect of speech, be con- sidered to stand at opposite extremes of latitude. LACKIE | Well The following sample of eloquence is rather in the style of a New York stump-orator than in that of one of Her ESTY’S subjects :— “ He always called himself a Scot, and not an Englishman, while abroad. On the Continent the English had such a very bad character, apart from their pride, formality, insolence, and conceit—(he appealed to any gentleman who knew any- thing whether that was true or not)—apart from their gross ignorance and stupidity —he knew that they had such a bad character, and were so much hated, that he always found that he had got the right hand of his host when he said : ‘I am a Scot —wa countryman of Burns and Water Scorr.’ ” Although Prorzssor Biackr says that— ‘The practical tendency of his lecture was to show that they ought to encourage oung men at school, college, and elsewhere to grow up as Scotchmen, in pride and joy as Scotchmen—glorying with an intelligent glory as Scotchmen—” he reduces the Scot to a level below that at which he was estimated by Daz. Jonnson, or is classed by that special object of the Professor’s indignation, Mr. Bucxiz. Lorp Mowsoppo only aseribed to aboriginal s, in common with the rest of mankind. See what Prorresson Buackre says of that race to which he glories in be- of | longing = * He had found cight points in which, so far as he could discern, the peculiarity of the animal Seotium Scotus consisted. These were—lst, the Scot was essentially a working animal ; 2nd, an enterprising and adventurous animal ; 3rd, a thinking and phil i¢ animal ; 4th, a practical and utilitarian animal; 5th, a sure and a cautious animal ; 6th, he was an earnest, serious, devout, and religious animal ; impassioned animal, perfervidum Scotorum ; and 8 ingeniwm th, a happ: animal, and not Rae! on posse drematl $0 So, after all, the Scot is an animal; a religious animal, for one thing. , Cer it may be said that Calvinism was the n of a brute. What kind of animal is the Scot? A despicable might be disposed to reply that, if Prorzsson Buiackie is a specimen of the breed, the Scot is an animal ordained by nature to graze on the prickly the Land of Thistles, OUR DEAR BROTHER JONATHAN. Tuts delightful ebullition of fervent brotherly love has most fittingly appeared in a Philadelphia paper :— “Tt may be, in view of all these grave considerations and the sad necessities of the case, that, in order to avoid a war which could only end in our discomfiture, the Administration may be compelled to concede the demands of England, and perhaps release Messrs. Mason and SLipeLt. God forbid !—but in a crisis like this we must adapt ourselves to stern circumstances, and yield every feeling of pride to maintain our existence. If this contingency should ever arise—and I am only speculating upon a disagreeable possibility—then let us swear, not only to ourselves but our children who come after us, to repay this greedy, insolent, and cowardly Power with the retribution of a just and fearful vengeance. If England in our time of distress makes herself our foe, and offers to be our assassin, we will treat her as a foe when we can do so untrammeled and u d by ther enemy.” “ Greedy, insolent, and cowardly,” these are nice fraternal terms; and what a truly loving spirit is evinced by swearing “ fearful ven- geance” upon the “assassin,” and handing to posterity the keeping of the oath! No whit less affectionate in feeling is what follows :— ** Tf we do concede the demands of England, however, it will only be because we desire to crush this rebellion, as a duty we owe to mankind. It will be because we _ to master the great evil, and do not wish to be alienated from our duty by an international and comparatively unimportant quarrel; it will be because we prefer national salvation to the gratification of any feeling of national pride. It will be a great act of self-denial. But when we come from this rebellion it will be with a magnificent army, educated and organised, and with the sense of this wrong weighing upon them. It will be with a navy competent to meet any navy upon the globe. It will be for us then to remember d was our enemy in the day of our misfortune, and to make that remembrance a dark and fearful page of her history, and an eternal memory in our own.” That these are the opinions of most people in America nobody on this side the Atlantic will believe. But that there are roughs and rowdies in the States, who as they have nothing they can lose by war are always full of bluster and warlike in their talk, this may any one in England very easily conceive. Of course it is to please them that such stuff as we have quoted is stuck in Yankee newspapers; and our sole surprise is that the journals which admit it find it pays them so to do. The rowdies as a rule are not overflushed with wealth, and can ill afford to spend their coppers upon literature, which, the chances are, they scarcely would know how to read. One of the Compliments of the Season. “ I’ve been turning my thoughts inwardly a great deal lately,” said an M.P., notorious for his stupidity to Bernat OsBornz, who in- stantly reproved aa saying, ‘ My fellow, it will never do to gaze on vacancy in that way.’

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 18, 1862. THE LESSON. Disgusted Instructor of Plungers. ‘‘ THERE you Go acarn! Srickrne out your Tors LIKE A HinrFANTRY HApsuTANntT!” THE TWO CASES. “Dear Mr. Puncn, “T wisn that you would use your influence with the daily newspapers, and ask them not to go on printing those awfully long re- ports of the Two Trials. Day after day come in parallel (is that the right word?) columns, reports upon reports of the disagreeable nonsense, and if be eats nineteen, the Church does not object to fast-days, and Sr. Cyprian lays down no rules as to the company he is to keep, but Lizwettyn is a Welsh name and so is, WiLtiAMs, though Mr. Frrzsames may not be the knight of Snowdon. ‘There is nothing in the Articles to prevent a clergyman giving thirty-nine articles of jewellery to his wife, if he can pay for them, though it might be held evidence of not having his brain set clear, and Lorp CLaupE HaMILton until one is perfectly confused and bewildered; and when I send away my paper, I really do not know whether Mr. WinpuHam is trying to rove that the OWLAND WitLiams wants to lock up Sir Hueu Carrys, or Mr. SaMvEL WarrEN is not fit to have the spending of Zen Thousand @ Year. 1 don’t want to know anything about either case ; but when they both come together, it is downright aggravating. I subjoin the report of the united case as it is at present pestering my memory, and beg that you will exert yourself to stop what is really dazing me dizzy. “Yours most affectionately, “ Haymarket Theatre.” “ TUNDREARY.” “THE WINDHAM-WILLIAMS CASE. “ Tats is the Office of the Master into which people will keep coming and poomeing. hie to be. something else, if he will come out of the Arches under Waterloo Bridge and speak to the Bishop or SALISBURY about driving railway: through the thirty-nine Articles. The case is very objectionable, and Mr. WuiuiaMs is not Witiiams of Kars, though GenzraL WinpHaM fought with the Russians. So long as a a takes the money of the Church, he has no business to black his face and sing Old Bod , and neither Ripiey nor Latt- MER would approve his conduct, but would refer him to Burner. Also he ought not to laugh in a foolish manner, like a natural, which is reaching in a non-nai sense, and if he goes to a Review, whether sian or not, he ought to respect the bishop’s Charges. The Council of Nice had nothing to do with it any more than Louis NaPotzon, in fact there is potking nips in the business, and there is no proof that if he was an Eton boy he was a drunken man. Anybody may eat eggs, was quite right in telling him to go to bed, and might as well set the example the next time he himself is tempted to speak in the House. : |'There is no proof that Dr. Winuiams ever rode in the guard’s van, euate on Gatspunt ‘is wacked, or the Ravansxp | though he is in the van of theological reformers, and, if he likes the African serenaders, was not St. OricEn born in Africa? As for the Kirkof | Scotland, that had nothing to do with it, and if he bought cigars at | Krrx’s they were very good ones, and it is not excess to smoke a dozen |a day if he takes plenty of exercise and the } | tobacco, but he ought not to shout and send Valentines, though Sr. VALENTINE is in the Anglican list of saints. On the whole, therefore. Dr. Lusureton ought to declare GENERAL WinpHam duly elected and Srr Grorce ARMyYTAGE ought to depose the BisHor or SaLisBURY and everybody pay his own costs, with liberty to speak to the prosecutor and turn it into a special verdict without prejudice to the Asylum for Idiots or the Court of Arches.” French Polish. Tue Emperor, who had been thought to have designs of fighting Switzerland, is said to have used on New Year’s Day some particularly civil and re-assuring words to the Swiss representative, Dr. Kern. They might have been re-assuring, but we are blest if they were ver civil. His Majesty, who is a great Shakespearian, simply smiled, an quoted Macdujf— “JT cannot strike at wretched KERNES.” Brutus But to THe Bracxs.—“ Not that I love Cesar less, but that I love England more”—eh, you see dat, darkey ? Printed by William , of No. 13, U: Woburn and . E " 3 ¥ he Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of by bai fg dy lly Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen's Road West, Regent’s Park, poth im the . 8) oF pares, tn the County ot Must Printers, at their London.—Sarvspar, January 18, 1-62. in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of Loudon,and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet beadle does not smell. a eae ee -— -- & te

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January 25, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE CRACKER BON-BON. Two Little Stoopids (with one voice). “I kNow I sHatt ScrEaM—I’m suRE I sHALL!” AN AMERICAN POPE. _ A Turvy bit of American news, just published, is this :— “Three British seamen who had been captured for a breaeh of blockade, had been required to take an oath that they would never enter into an engagement to perform a similar eeding. Mr. Sewarp absolves them from their oath.” The absolution must be a great comfort to Jack, whose conscience upon the subject of swearing is known to be excessively tender. But the more interesting point is the new func- tion assumed by the American Minister. It seems that he has the power of granting absolu- tion from oaths. ‘This is satisfactory, because when the compromise with the South has to be | arranged, Mr. Sewarp, who can release inen from an oath, can surely release them from dis- | puted allegiance. The announcement shows that the Dollar is not the only supernatural authority in, America, Enough to Ruin any Place. We read that Torre del Grecco is, in conse- | quence of Vesuvius hotly contesting the city. nothing better than a mass of ruins. It would seem that in Italy, as in England, whenever there is a rotten borough, there is sure to be a Tory at the bottom of it! Srone-Biinp.—We suppose that an old hun. ter may be said to be stone-blind, when the poor beast has got what is called “a wall-cye.” SALISBURY AND JEROBOAM. Our excellent friend, Mr. Rorsvck, has been getting into strange company. He, Joun Artuur, the Radical, cat hex-O’ Kean (as Mr. Cox means to say when he has learned Greek) has been delivering an address | at Salisbury on popular education, and has given it in the presence of divers clergy, and among them the Bisnor or Satissury, avenger of the Church upon the Essays and iews. Mr. Punch has nothing particular to say about the address generally, except it was sensible | and practical. We leave him to settle with the men in the north the | question of the accuracy of the following sketch of the life of a skilled mechanic there :— “ How is the life of a man in the north passed who earns wages of a high cha- racter? He gets up in the morning and goes to work. He comes home, and the | first thing he usually does is to swear at his wife. Perhaps he beats his children, | and then he caresses his dog. His whole life is ed in mere sensual enjoyments | —getting drunk is his chief business in life, and when he has got drunk, his next } business is to get sober. Now that is that man’s life, and I ask you to compare that | life with the life of an educated man.” | Let us hear what the men of the north say to that. If it be false it, should be contradicted ; and, if true, the northerners ought to be very much ashamed of themselves. But what Mr. Punch does want to} advert to is this. Mr. Roxrsuck was insisting upon the necessity of | teaching the children of the poor ina practical manner, of calling their | attention to the productions of nature, and the things around them, | instead of cramming their heads with ancient history, and dates, and all that sort of scholarship. And he said :— “Tt is the habit of very well-intended people to go into a school and say, ‘ Well, what shall we teach these children? We will teach them the events of past ages.’ nearly the first thing they say is, ‘Don’t you think this child Joan Brown should learn who were the Kings of Israel and Judwa?’ By dint of driving hard, they teach the child the order in which Jeroboam comes, and who succeeded him ; but what earthly good is it to him?” He then told a story of a friend of Dr. AnNorr, who— “Felt it his business to exercise the mind of the children, and one morning he called all the boys and girls together, and said, ‘I want every one of you to take a slate, and on Monday morning to bring me an account of all the four-legged animals on the farm.’ On Saturday my friend walked through the village, and saw the little fellows “ss before the door, with their eyes cocked up, and thinking of cows, horses, and sheep ; and not only that, but it spread through the household, and all the fathers and mothers in the vi were up in arms, wondering how many four-legged things there were on the farm. (Laughter.) A prize was given to the cleverest boy, who gave the greatest number. Now that is exactly what the People now-a-days don't do. They talk of Jeroboam or Jehoshaphat, but who cares about Jehoshaphat or Jeroboam ? (Laughter.) They have not only long passed away, but they have left no trace of their existence behind. To tell me how many four- legged animals there are on the farm is a thing all can understand, and will go clearly to exercise the mind of the children.” _Tue Bisnor or Saissury followed Mr. Rorsucx, complimented him for his “truthfulness,” and thanked him ar Do you hear that, Dr. Rowtanp Wituiams? Do you hear that, Record? Do youhear that, Christian Observer, new series? This model bishop, who is firing into an unfortunate parson who cannot help him- self, actually sat still and heard Jeroboam and Jehoshaphat spoken slig tingly of by a Member of Parliament? Why didn’t the bishop stand up for Jeroboam, before the ARcHDEACON Honey, as he does, Vex’ Dr. Putiurmore, before Dr. Lusatneton? When the people laughed at Jeroboam, why did not the bishop give it’em, hot and hot... “ Who cares about Jeroboam?” said Mr. RorBuck. Was it not the bishop’s business to jump up and protest against the son of Nebat being spoken of in that manner, as if he were only a Canute or an ALFRED ? What is right before the Court of Arches is right in the Salisbury Assembly vies and vice versé, and we shall feel much less satisfied with the Record than we like to be, if it does not call upon the bishop for an explanation. No wonder that after such courtesy Mr. Rozsuck said :— **There was a dash, I thought, in your lordship’s speech which implied I had wished to convey something like censure upon a y I very muck honour—namely, the reverend class to which he belongs. I think this country is deeply indebted to the Church of England for her attempt to educate the people. I am well known— and nobody knows it better than your cee oct be what is called a Radical ; but still I have that feeling in my own mind which induces me to admire and heartily thank those reverend gentlemen who have striven in the great cause which I have humbly advocated to-night. (Cheers.) I beg your lordship to believe that there is no body of men for whom I have a more hearty and a more complete respect and admiration than the class to which your lordship belongs.” (Cheers.) All very fine, but what the bishop ought to have gone in for was justice to Jeroboam. One of the Great Objects of Travelling Is bragging about it afterwards, and boring all your friends with pro far-fetched accounts of your wonderful ascents and hair-breadth perils and miraculous escapes. If the members of the club, called the ‘Travellers ”? are incessantly talking about their travels, what a super- lative set of colossal bores they must be, to be sure! By the bye, now that we think of it, “The Travellers’ Club,” strictly speaking, is an Alpen-stock. HISTORICAL FICTIONS, Srmr ArcurBaLp ALIson, in his Life of Castlereagh, has made the odd blunder of placing among the attendants at the Duke or WELLINGTON’s uneral, “ PerEGRINE Pickiz.” The dapsus p is not strange in an historian whose wild statements savour of Roderick Ranpom. VoL, XLII,

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[January 25, 1862. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ROME AND ST. PETERSBURG. Tue other day, by telegram from Breslau :— ** It was reported at Warsaw that MonsicNnor Cui, the present Papal Nuncio at Paris, will be appointed Papal Nuncio to the Court of St. Petersburg.” The Error or Russia had better mind what he is about in admitting Monsignor Cuie1 as Papal Nuncio at St. Petersburg, or what Monsicnor Cuter will be about when admitted there in that capacity. The Pore has virtually decided that Rome is St. Petersburg, in asserting that not only the see but also the city or burgh of Rome belongs to St. Perzr. If Rome is St. Pe de | Jesuitical logicians will argue St. Petersburgh is Rome, and belongs to the Pore. The Jesuits and the Papal Nuncio may convert the Russians to Popery, and | then, if Popery should, as it very soon may, be expelled from the Italian Rome, it may | claim, and succeed in acquiring, another Rome in Russia. St. Petersburg om the Tiber being } already too hot to hold his Hornzss, who knows but that he might, even bya motu proprio, | or spontaneous bolt, seek a cooler climate in St. Petersburg on the Neva, and turn St. | Petersburg into St. Peter’s Patrimony? SLIGHT ON A SOVEREIGN PEOPLE. Our ally the Emprror or tHe Frencu—he has deserved that name—will probably come , has hitherto fallen to the British Lion. What abuse will the newspapers of the United | States not heap upon the head of his ImpzRia Masesty in commenting on the circum- stances thus recorded in the Post /— “Tt appears that Mr. Dayton, the American Minister at Paris, sent in a list of some twenty to thirty American citizens for presentation at the Tuileries on New Year’s Day. The representative of the United | States thereupon received a note from M. Taouvenert, Minister of Foreign Affairs, requesting to know what | was the rank and social position of the gentlemen and ladies who desired the honour of being presented | to their Imperial Majesties.” _ Such a question might be excused on the supposition that it proceeded from invincible ; ignorance. Their Imperial Majesties and M. THouveneL may be conceived not to have | known that every American citizen is the freeman of a Sovereign State, and thus a member | of a Royal family, indeed a Sovereign in his own person; consequently the equal of any | crowned head in Europe. This information might have been imparted to the minister in , answer to his unnecessary question. But, continues the writer above quoted :— **T believe I am correet in saying that Mr. Darron simply replied that the persons for whose presentation he had —— were ladies and gentiemen who would be received by the President of the United States. It resulted that no Americans were presented at all at the reception in question. I believe that the presence at Court of some persons of American origin searcely presentable in any society, was the cause of M. THovveNet’s note to Mr. Dayton.” The effect of this intelligence on the American public will be that of profound sensation. The organs of popular opinion will furiously declare that France must be whipped. They will threaten her with sending a spare million of men to invade and overrun Algeria, and another million to sack Paris and raze the exclusive Tuileries, They will menace the everlasting blockade of French ports with sunken ships, laden with granite. As if every American citizen were uot presentable in any society! Jerusalem! The screams of the insulted Bird of Freedom. will probably be terrific, and-we shall see how much they will frighten the French Eagle. | in for some of that vituperation on the part of the Yankee press, of which the lion’s share | POST YOUR MONEY. Tue Savings Bank, the Savings Bank, Bland GiapsTone’s best and latest boon, Come, use it, folks of every rank, You cannot get your Books too soon. yes ge the common sense you boast, And take your money to the Post. Why risk the coin so sweet to save, Why trust a Reverend Mr. Fiercurr ? Who says you’re safe from such a knave Tn other banks, asserts a stretcher. The most inviting cheats the most : Come, take your money to the Post, How easy, now, to put it there, The door stands open all the day, Onee placed in yon Receiver’s care, You hold the Nation’s Pledge to Pay. Of loss no chance, no shade, no ghost; Come, take your moncy to the Post. Pale wife, from yonder tipsy spouse, Take what his pot-house treats have leit, Lodge it in that receiving house, Some day he ’ll thank the kindly theft. Some day *twill give you boiled or roast, Come, take your money to the Post. You tight-built smiling servant girl, Don’t waste your wage on crinoline, Put on the cap, smooth flat the curl, And hoard your gains for home and wean ; The baker’s bosom burns like toast : Come, take your money to the Post. And her young lady—you, Miss Ross, All that Allowance spent in rings ! AupHonso BricGs may soon propose, And brides require a heap of things : A little hoard will buy a host : Come, take your money to the Post. Mamma, a hundred ways, of course, Those cheques of Pa’s too quickly melt, But use a little moral force, And try a saving scarcely felt. Twill help that month, M’m, on the Coast ; Come, take your money to the Post. There ’s something every one can spare, Can put in Guapstone’s Bank away ; The thought that you have shiners there, Is.sunshine for a Rainy Day. In golden words be this engrossed— Come, take pour monep to the ost. LENITY PROPERLY REBUKED. A Tetecram from Naples states that the Bri- gand Chief, Cu1avone, “Has been deprived by the Bourbon Committee a Rome of the command of the brigands, for having dis- j obeyed instructions by shooting prisoners.” Telegrams are usually incomplete, but we | understand that this merciful manner of murder- ing the prisoners has given great offence at the Vatican, and that the successor to CHIAVONE | has imperative instructions either to burn his captives, or to put them to death gradually, in the Chinese fashion. the enemies of the Church.” Mind, it’s Between Hugh and Me. Se H. Carens was asked whether he thought. | a celebrated Master in Lunacy, who is at present | sitting on an interminable long-winded case, was a sound lawyer or not, when he significantly re plied, “‘Sound,‘you say? oh! yes—W anren-ted.” _As the Pors justly remarks, | “these are not times for sentimental mercy to | Bes ere

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January 25, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. INSANITY IN THE FEDERAL CAMP. EALLY we have at last discovered some reason for admitting that there may, per- haps, be something in ak ceopathy. The Special Correspond- ent of the Times thus writes from Washington :— “GeneraL M‘CLEL- LAN is slowly recover- ing from an attack of fever of a mild typhoid type, which has been treated homeopathic- ally, and was probably much rated in consequence. GENERAL Marcy, his father-in- law, and chief of his staff, has also been homeo- better, but neither is fit at present to direct operations.” So we should think. Anybody capable of submitting himself to homeopathic treatment must be far too weak to direct military opera- tions, or do anything else the performance of which requires strength of mind. If Gewerat M‘CLELLAN GewER«L Marcy have been rgoing homeopathy,” they will never be strong enough for their sitestionn, will be all gone goose with the Federal cause unless such geese as they must be are sent about their business; which might be that ft ones placards for Barnum instead of hoisting the star- 8 mer. Pw then, do we discern in the statement above quoted to warrant ing but humbug in the homeopathic id the admission that there is anyt y system ? Why, Mr. Russext suggests that M‘Cieiian’s fever was aggravated te bensencnatiite treatment. That treatment, we presume, consisted in the administration of infinitesimal globules. That these lobules are capable of making a patient worse, is the opinion of Mr. USSELL. If they are, then ved can By eo some kind of effect; whereas we always believed that they could have none whatever. We still think it most likely that homeopathy allowed the fever of Youne NapotEon to run its course. If, however, homeopathic doses really do exert the action which they are ma by Mr. Russet to have exerted in the case of GeNERAL M‘CiExian, he has good reason for calling homeeopathy a disease, that is to say, a cause of disease, as_he does when he says that Generat Marcy had been undergoing that and some other illness. The other illness we conceive to have been mental derangement. EXPOSING A LAZY MINISTER. Mr. Puncu, who likes to see people grateful (a liking not often in- dulged in this objectionable world), received from Eart (late Lorp Joun) RussE.t a letter which was so nicely and Joes expressed, that Mr. Punch perused it with satisfaction, and had almost made up his mind to ask Jonn to dinner. But, looking into the Daily Tele- h, he perceives that the Earl has been using the letter again, in writing to Halifax, or some such place, about some address or other, and this is a liberty which Mr. Punch has no idea of owing: to pass unreproved. He will therefore sot ask Joun to dinner, and he prints the epistle in order to prevent its being used any more :— Sr ** Foreign Office, Jan. 19, 1862. **T have to acknowledge the receipt of your number of the 18th instant, your ial approval of the prompt and ene ic measures taken Her Masesty’s Government to t the honour of the British flag. It is a great satisfaction to my coll es and to myself to receive so flattering an expression of approval of the course ich we have felt it our duty to take on this occasion ; and I you to have the goodness to return our to all your contributors, and to assure them how Her Mavesty’s Government appreciate the generous support which they have tendered to them at the present crisis. “Tam, &., (Signed) ** RusseuL.” Different Views at Different Times. Mvcu as we may have hated a man before, it is very strange what a very different view we take of him the moment we are going to ask a favour of him ! Frtexpiy Apvice 10 THE Pors.—‘‘Stand not upon the order of your going, but go at once.” VENGEANCE AND REPUDIATION. ‘England cannot afford to go to war with us, for the conflict, sooner. or later, would involve the loss of her West India Islands, of Canada, and the adjoining ponte, and, last and most fatal of all, the loss of Ireland, her right arm in war, er granary in peace. ey cannot go to war with us, for $600,000,000 worth of American stock is owned by British subjects, which in the event of hostilities, would be confiscated ; and we now call upon the companies not to take it off their hands upon any terms, Let its forfeiture be held over England as a weapon in terrorem. British subjects have $200,000,000 or ,000,000 invested in shipping and other property in the United States. All P , together with the stocks, would be seized, amounting to $900,000,000 in all. W: England incur this tremendous loss for a mere abstraction !—New York Herald. Rowpy Dooptz is in wrath, And would on us have poured it ; But war’s so dear a lux He can’t just now afford it. He owns that he would much enjoy The Britishers to lick, Sir : But now, alas! he’s so hard up, He cannot buy thesstick, Sir! Rowdy doodle, doodle doo, &c. But while the South is on his hands, Although he cannot fight us, He blusters that we daren’t touch him, And tries by talk to fright us. He coolly brags that o’er the head Of our devoted nation He holds a weapon none dare brave, And that ’s—Repudiation ! Rowdy d doodle doo, &c. “You ’coons,” says he, “I hold of yourn Nine hundred million dollars, And if you ventures for to fight, I guess you’ll see what f : Them ’ere nine hundred millions will Be grabbed to our losses, I reckon so we J n don up As slick as grease, old hosses ! Rowdy doodle, doodle do, &c. “ Confiscate ’s a pretty word, As for Honour, burke it ; To pay a debt is quite absurd I guess, when you can shirk it. This here a land of Promise is, Our Poets keep a-saying, But mind you, when our dander ’s riz, Our promise don’t mean paying ! wdy doodle, doodle do, &c. “ At running, as our Bull’s Run showed, We air a smartish nation, And toe outrun the constable Is now our inclination. But even though our credit’s low, For fighting still we ’ve cash, b’hoys, We’d use the gold of theirs we hold The Britishers toe thrash, b’hoys ! Rowdy doodle, doodle doo, &c. * What.’s the use of monied friends But that one may bleed ’em ? Ours of all the airth, I guess, The country is of Freedom. And Freedom means the making free With funds to us confided, Whenever it may chance that we By Fortune get cowhided ! ” Rowdy doodle, doodle doo, &c. Now City men, pray bear in mind Our friend’s determinati In Rowdy phrase “Security” But means Repudiation. Remembered let it be by all Who hold his I. O. U., Sir, A Rowdy Doodle promise is A Rowdy Doodle do, Sir! Rowdy doodle, doodle doo, &c. STYLES OF CONSOLATION, A Man’s.—Well, I’ll tell you what you must do.’ A Woman’s.—Ah! I told you how it would be.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 25, 1862. \ SSS SX . Xa auG ok ug Aber == THE RISING _—" ak GENERATION. Small Boy. “Gornc To THE Pantomime, CLARA, THIS AFTERNOON?” Clara. “ A—No—I’m at Home—anp Have A KETTLEDRUM AT THREE O'CLOCK!” | | MISCELLANEOUS. | Mrs. Biopsrs has arrived in town, and is residing at the Green Pig Hotel, Borough, until she can suit herself with a housemaid. We are authorised -to contradict the rumour that Mr. Gives, of Shoreditch, has met with a serious accident. He merely fell over the door-mat and dislocated his spectacles. Thedifficulties which arose between Mr. and Mrs. Curnaster, of Pop- ins Court, originating, we understand, in the residence of the Dowager Mrs. CutvasTer in the house of her son, have been removed by the | temporary removal of the latter lady to Brixton, at the suggestion of | Mr. ARNOLD. Mr. Munkey has refused the part of Jack Gizzard in the new farce, The Bladder of Lard. There is no truth in the statement that the worthy and estimable beadle of Brompton has applied to be knighted at the opening of the International Exhibition, though there is no doubt that the conferring such a distinction upon him would much gratify the inhabitants of that elegant district. A project is on foot for presenting a testimonial to M. Bionpry, on the part of the visitors to the Crystal Palace, in proof of their admira- tion of his noble conduct in not tumbling off the rope and breaking his neck, as an inferior artist might have done. Herr Von Joert has finally declined the crown of the Southern States of America. In pulling ; Islington, the workmen discovered the remains of an a decayed waist- coat, marked W. C. It is supposed to have belonged to WILLIAM THE ConQuEROR. down an old wash-house in the garden of Mr. Sarru, of The liberal and kind-hearted proprietor of the Punch that exhibits in Stratford Place has intimated to the Blue Coat Boys, that during the holiday month they may stand upon the kerb-stone and look at the entertainment for nothing. By the recent census it appears that the majority of the inhabitants of are Dorsetshire, are Idiots. There was reason for believing this, some years ago, when they petitioned Parliament to prevent eclipses. A wealthy inhabitant of Kensington has offered a prize of £5 for the worst poem upon the Great Exhibition of 1862. Betting is strongly in favour of the author of Proverbial Philosophy, but the author of the | Victories of Love has many friends—on this occasion. A new comedy, by the writer of 4s Fresh as Paint, has been read. Green Room report states that it is worse than his last piece, but this | we believe to be impossible. As Mr. Bumstz, the respected landlord of the Cucuméer’s Arms, Wapping, was crossing the street near his own residence the other ‘night, he was run up against by a fiend in human form and: knocked into the gutter. The ge are upon the traces of the miscreant, but that such a thing could happen is a comment upon the boasted civi- lisation of the nineteenth century. | We deeply regret to hear that the incautious use of firearms has again resulted in a melancholy catastrophe. On Tuesday night last, |Mr. Trwotuy O’Lzary, of Ireland, but lately residing at No. 34, | Snitch Court, St. Giles’s, hastily and in a (it of impecuniosity shot the } moon, and the landlord is not likely to recover. Labour Thrown Away. Cuever as Austria is acknowledged to be in making her depen- An ingenious American mechanic has just invented a machine for | enabling aman to wash, shave, and dress himself, say a hymn, brush | dencies feel the iron weight of her despotism, we doubt if she will ever his hat, snub his wife, and air his newspaper, without waking him- | succeed in taking the rise out of Italy; and the same may be said of self, and it will call him at any given hour, so that the first thig he Hungary, both of which may be characterised as two of the most rising will do in the morning will be to find himself at his breakfast table. kingdoms in Europe.

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swary 25, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. Szconp hearing, my dear Punch, has not raised my opinion of Mr. »Batrn’s new Opera. That it con- tains much pleasant music T still readily admit ; but that, as has been stat it is really his best work, am now by no means quite so ready to allow. The ballads certainly are charm- ing, and most admirably suited to the voices they were written for; nor are the concerted parts less cleverly composed, or adapted with less taste to the dramatic situations ; while on the whole the work is instrumented far more skilfully than{is com- mon with composers of the English school. What, then, is amiss? Well, it is diffi- cult to say; but there can scarcely be that freshness inthe music I first fancied, or I surely should have more enjoyed a_ second hearing.* A really good work is relished more, the more one knows it; the fulness of its beauty is rarely learnt at first. Who er tires of ing Guillaume Tell, or Don Giovanni 7? and without com- ing Batre to Mozart or Rossii, his music may be not unfairly ged bythe same test, Moreover, his new opera, in certain of the scenes rather noisy than melodious; and though the accompaniments are ful and , there is at times a rather VeRpi-like prepon- ance of brass. Still, there is no doubt that the work, if it do not uch enhance, will in no degree diminish his justly high repute ; and little question is there it finds favour with the public, or it would bt have been played, as it has been, for upwards of six weeks. “ Well as it may seem to pay, I question if this plan of running a bw opera without change or Ww its novelty attracts, be bt hurtful in the end to the pockets of a manager, as well as most jurious to singers and to art. To sing nightly the same music for pwards of a month becomes a strain upon the patience as well as on s + and instead of singers growing perfect by such practice, ey are tempted to get ca and to as though their singing ere a mere work of routine. Even Jenny Linp co A throw z soak tate ¢ anne, weve abe Se, eats restrained to singing that and bthing else ; and besides the bad effect which the monotony produces, ere is in the ease of the Royal Opera the no less evil hence of vocal overwork. How YN contrived to sing six ghts a week, and retain still all the brilliancy and sweetness of her pice, is a marvel that pe my admiration and my wonder, and jakes me view her as the Grisr of the English stage. But for her e, and for Art’s sake, I wish she were relieved from so much wearing yer-labour, which can ha fail to terminate in premature decay. ss Pyxz’s delicious voice is of far too high a value thus to be im- prilled; and I for one protest against her so destructively and lavishly mploying it. Its ri b rded, ought twenty years tc come give a to the public; but if she squanders them, half that me wil pass ere we may be lamenting the treasure we have lost. “Tt is my fervent wish that English opera may flourish in the hands at now support it, which makes me anxious that such faults as I have bticed be removed. A harsh word now and then is in reality a ki he; for without it blots and blemishes would perhans escape correc- on, which becomes an easy matter when the faults are“pointed’out. Of the pantomime at this house I shall say more in my next. For le present it suffices to remark that Mr. Payne, the prince of panto- mists, enacts the part of Gulliver in a way that adds new lustre to EAN Swirt’s immortal traveller; and after caceging from a Brob- g big lobster, reviews the volunteers of Lilliput, and lets them arch between his legs. I must add too, that if people who like trans- brmation scenes allow the Covent Garden one to pass without their " it, they will thoroughly enero find Wiemaselves ie victiine unacy commi ‘or the purpose of deciding on thei hadness and devouring their estates. ‘ 2 have, too, in my next to speak of the Olympic, more fully conse- stupid vapid er eg if you q| ever so unlucky as to find your friends at home, when you do them * Could our friend have been a little play-bilious ?—Ep. than at present I have the space to do. The burl written and pont performed, Miss CortrEet. and both doing their best to make their singing as p 3 while Mr. Ropsow charms the audience with one of those quaint songs, in which the lungs are not more held in requisition than the legs, Mr. Rosson, although suffering severely from a cold, moreover plays his part of Wormwood with all his wonted humour; and “Onze wHo Pays.” LAYS FOR AMERICAN LAWYERS, THE INSTINCTS OF THE HEART. TeR€ is an iron power To which cold men succumb, Before which worldlings cower And selfish souls are dumb. Let such revere proud Justice And steer by her old chart, My guides are, where no dust is— The Instincts of the Heart... If lured by yellow Avarice To clutch Life’s sweetest balm, Stand not on being overnice, Nor check your tingling palm. If urged by stern severity With others’ goods to part, Oh! pause and let your counsel be The Instincts of the Heart. Mark Nature’s teaching, ruled by that No 4 your mind perplexes, The solemn salmon snaps the sprat, i The a the fowl annexes. ay popularity you prize The World ’s an Auction Mart, Go there, bid high, and don’t deny The Instincts of the Heart. THE GREAT MORNING CALL NUISANCE. Ix little social matters it very often happens that our French friends are of us. Isit not so, Mr. Surrn? Do, pray, just look at “Two million visiting cards days of the year, besides the o Now, why can’t we make calls b France? Surely, to have one’s car just as good as having it delivered by a footman, supposing that sed through the Paris Post-office the first three inary letters.” ¢ in England, as do in delivered by the og be 37 | ue is neatly | Hucuzs § as their looks; | e who | love laughing will find the Lottery Ticket provoke that healthy exercise | to fice full Bonrt’s content. . 2 ? “i one | ony one’s rounds in one’s own carriage, or by a cabman if a Hansom | e the vehicle employed. What can it matter to receivers of one’s | pasteboard whether it be handed by the servants of Her simply by our own ? : Of course, when one makes calls one hopes will be out, and just at the time it is most likely they will be so. And supposing that unluckily they chance to be at home, of course one always views it as a most untoward thing in the world that one would wish. As for making morning calls , or le | circumstance, and about the last | with the intent to see one’s friends, clearly that is nowadays a quite exploded notion. If they are at home the chances are they are em- ployed in some more profitable work than merely chatting with chance visitors ; and when this is the case course you come with nothing particular to form, and might be just as well transacted by the and post ; your intrusion is a nuisance, as of | Your call is a mere | indeed far better, as you would then take up but half a moment of the time which — now is wasted in exchan; great honour of a morning visit. are the | THE NORTHERN AND SOUTHERN STATES OF LONDON. Ir seems that London, like America, is to be divided into a North | and a South, and that the two are to be ri 2 AITES is the Constitutional Monarch in the North, and Preswpent Dovutron | seems to be the Jerr Davis of the Boro Banks are the great question of the day. O THwalrtEs; but we don’t wish to see him of arms. Union is broken up the better, and we conclade with un and fervent aspiration that the North, which has sewer, find a long Mister Sewarp to protect are with long missed so her. ; and, as over the sea, the — } vanquish the South by force © The sooner the dirty street called after the name of the | the outrageous |

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\ Peo eS [January 25, 1862, BREAKING A LIMB OF THE LAW. _Iy the Court of Queen’s Bench, the other day, Mz GrBBoxs— “* Moved for a rule, calling upon an attorney of that Court t answer certain matters contained in an affidavit. The attorney ha received £25 in an action. Repeated applications had been made to him for the payment of the money to the applicant without effect, the attorney stating that he had spent the money and could not doit. (Laughter).” We see nothing to laugh at, and we hope that nothing harsh will be done to this attorney. It may be a little irre. gular to take one’s client’s money, and spend it oneself, but this is a mere error in practice, and when handsomely and frankly admitted, as by this “gent,” anything like severity is uncalled for. What more can the poor man say ? has not got the money he can’t pay it. Would the Court |foree him to rob some other client in order to pay the complainant? When a gentleman explains, and says he is sorry, an affair is over, and why not have the sami | courtly rule in case of a gent instead of applying for a rule | of Court, We consider that Smr ALEXANDER CockBuRy | should give Grssons, or his instructors, a good blowing up for being so ill-conditioned. THE RIGHT MAN IN THE RIGHT PLACE. |. Wereadin a morning paper, which gives usthe information ina report of an admirable lecture delivered last Wednesday at the Society of Arts, that in 1859, M. Burret was the Minister of the Interior in Paris. We confess we do not Lesiacsorge | recollect the name, but must admit that Burret | was just the map for the Interior, more especially, if the Burret in question a to be atall well-stored. How | the hungry, the tired, the poor, would always be rushing |up to him for relief! What levees he would hold—what | crowds of admirers would be continually hanging round’ |him to partake of the good things he would be able to |lay before them! Never would the Interior have been so| | well filled before! Properly speaking, and adapting the| | means to the end, this Burret should have served under a} | Provisional Government. Half Paris would have been| Smatt Bor (to Swell who is trying his utmost to preserve his balance). “‘ Oh, yer | stretching out their hands to him to greet him on his eleva-| wants to shake hands, do yer? I’m sure I’m very ’appy to see yer, Sir.” OUR ROVING CORRESPONDENT. “My DEAR Puncu, “THERE is a well known building in Oxford Street, dignified by a Classic name, sometime dedicated to the Tragic Muse, but now a Temple of all the Gods. The votaries at its shrine are chiefly women, and it would be a matter of curious speculation how many times the great-coated janitor who opens the door so civilly on your entrance and exit—how often, I say, this jolly Cerberus has fallen a victim to the tender passion and their charms. Who knows? Perhaps amid such a of beauty he can recognise no ‘bright particular star.’ His affections may be divided into infinitesimal portions. If J were to see —say five hundred angels in crinoline daily, should I know which to choose for my divinity? No, depend on it, if he underwent severe trials once, he suffers nothing now. How long do you suppose that trycock’s boy at the shop round the corner cared for cheese-cakes ? o doubt he surfeited himself at first, and—you conceive—suifered in consequence. At present he is a misoglycist, and can look at the most delicicus pastry without emotion. And so with our friend in livery. Female beauty with Aim is a glut in the market. He can see as many retty faces as he pleases, every day. Here comes Betinpa tripping rom her carriage on the daintiest of Balmoral boots. The door swings open and she enters. The string by which this feat was performed is not more insensate than the chords in Mr. Porrer’s heart. Presently, exit Cuarissa—Cxarissa of the golden hair and azure eyes—cherry lipped, smiling nymph. Again the string is pulled and she floats out. Bang goes the door and—would you eve it—CxrRBERus hegins to yawn. “‘T watched this little incident from the staircase in the Temple to which I refer, and you may draw what moral from it you will. For my part, I own it produced on me rather a melancholy effect, which the pomvegelery, with all its charms and endless variety of colour, failed to dissipate. “Indeed, if it must be confessed, the admiration with which I once gazed on these works of art, has been modified in later years. Still, I respect them for old association’s sake. Is not this Kine ALFRED, in a blue toga, burning the cakes to a vandyke-brown, while a pea-green peasant upbraids the Royal and cerulean fugitive? Yonder is Acteon | tion to office. going to the dogs, in consequence of his ungentlemanlike behaviour to Diana (you remember the anecdote—Ovip: Me/é, iii. Fad. 3). See how beautifully his horns are sprouting. **What do we discover in the next picture? The Dead Body of Harold, as I am alive. Alack! how many times has the Saxon chief| been exhumed before, and since, by brother limners? Formerly no R.A. Exhibition was complete without it. Let us sing a reguiescat over - gloomy subject, and trust the Royal corpse is now finally interred. “ What ! my youthful and pious Mneas, are your wanderings not yet over? Does your shade still linger in the precincts of Soho? Ah, | Polyphemus, old friend, Salve / how is your eye? | “T wag my head knowingly at each familiar canvas, and pass on to the Bazaar. ‘ “They may talk as they will of the Bezestein and the picturesqueness of Oriental Marts, presided over by snuffy, turbaned gentlemen, but J say give me the 46-2 with a Lady merchant at each counter, for my money when I want to buy anything in the papier-maché work-box, or canine pen-wiper line. Sure, such an assemblage of wondrous knick- nacks and cheap dijouterie and indigestible prettinesses is seldom seen. | The only wonder to me is, that young gentlemen in their first decade, | and young ladies of any age at all can ever leave the place. “The fact is that my nephew Tom (just then home from Dr. TicKLe- | TarL’s Seminary) who wished to make a few presents to his brothers| and sisters, did actually keep me there two mortal hours and a-half before he finally made up his mind what to buy; and even then went | away torn by conflicting emotions, because he thought the doll which | voluntarily shut its eyes when placed in a recumbent position, would, | perhaps, on the whole, have pleased Miss Torry more than the infant} which emitted a peculiar cry on being pinched in the dorsal region. “If that miserable philosopher who (most impolitely as I think) | remarked to the friend, whose ménage he inspected, ‘How many things | there are here which I do not want ’—if that wretched utilitarian, I say, | were to utter any of his platitudes aloud in this Bazaar, what would be | his fate? I think he could not be condemned to a better punishment | than first to write a new and original critique on every work in the Picture Gallery ; then, to eat all the stale buns which could be found on the establishment ; and, finally, to be chained to the perch of the knee

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January 25, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 39 oldest and most ill-tempered macaw in the aviary until he recanted his gloomy e. “Now if, on the contrary, you ask yourself what you do want here, and of course prepare to pay for it, could you leave a single wish un- gratified ? Have you a fancy for an ormolu dressing-case? A tortoise- shell cigar-holder? A malachite tooth-pick? Would you like a silver gilt cor w? An India-rubber pen? or one of J. Smrrn’s patent nail paring machines? (Remember to ask for “Smith’s” because J. S. regrets to find that certain unprincipled manufacturers adopting the name of Smyth or Smithe are wont to impose a spurious imitation on the unsophisticated British public, whereas none are genuine, unless &c., &c.). Orisit the celebrated “Tasmanian toffee’ ys are commissioned to purchase? Third ‘atnang bo the righ , first left-hand counter past the china-stall, and so on. hat is there that one couldn’t buy here? Antique vases, anti-macassars, buhl caskets, Jonbonnerie, china-candle- sticks, cheesecakes, daguerreotypes, decanters, Gothic go-carts, German glass, rag dolls and ra¢afie—the wishing-cap of Fortunatus himself could not have produced such a multiplicity of treasures. “Tn ex e for a small coin you may procure a biscuit in the hall, armed with which you are at liberty to enter the Aviary, a small but delightful retreat in the neighbourhood of Marlborough Street. There await you the perfume of exotic flowers, and the warble of a hundred foreign birds. Fairy fountains charm you with their ripple over gold and silver fish, while the genial warmth of a southern clime is ingeniously effected by means of Mr. Somesopy’s heating apparatus; in short, not is wanting to ensure your comfort. Here you may disport yourself so long as you think fit, and feed the feathered songsters to repletion. Trex Tom found great pleasure in this innocent pur- suit ; and it was not until the Calyptor hynchus (a remarkably fine but voracious cockatoo), not content with a crawful of “ Abernethy,” snapped at the unlucky youth’s thumb, that I could persuade him to leave this little paradise. “What atx « that some early tastes don’t last for ever! Why can’t we always seed-cake and ginger beer? I went to a famous pan- tomime the other night, and vow the only thing I enjoyed during the whole performance was a fairy’s laugh—I don’t mean that insipid grin of Mapame Conyrnée as she emerges froma tulip in the Bower of Bliss, but a merry little peal \which rang out on ¢his side of the foot- lights, Mine was a little domestic fairy, and she sat on her father’s knee in one of the upper boxes. XY. ii ‘Now; * * then! fust cab!’ remarks the waterman, as we step out into the street. First Tom gets in (to-whom I hand in numerous parcels, which he deposits with the greatest care on the opposite seat). Then follows his devoted Uncle and your obedient Servant, ‘Jack Easet.” JONATHAN AND HIS ASS. Once on a time, as prattling Poets say, An Ass went winking dimly on his way : When suddenly within his breast a flame Shot up, and he began to pant for fame : But how with safety to secure that prize ? In ev’ry nettle fierce resentment lies— So ina — straight he plunged his hoof, Of pluck and prudence, positive plain proof. Fast the foul fountain flashing furious flew, And splash’d a lady—fair Brrrawnta’s shoe. The Ass look’d proudly on his daring feat, Then bowed, while rowdies raised their voices sweet. Alas! such triumphs may not long endure, Full soon his Master kneels with look demure : And while he chews a leek to break his fast, Removes the spot his foolish beast had cast. - The Ass slinks back, meek miserable mute, A sadder— men hope—a wiser brute. Taught by correction, not to injure those Who shrink from stains, as Donkeys blink from blows. The Stamp of Imprudence. Tue Imprudent man carries postage stamps in his pocket-book, th dent man never does—for et Well meek that he’ pron always borrow of the man who has them. CON FOR EXETER HALL, Wuy are American Treasury-notes like the Jews ? Because one has to pay a great deal to effect their Conversion. Tue Reaprnc-Room or tue British Museum. ~~ ianitiiidl as “The Author's Crib.” ee A BIOGRAPHY FOR PROFESSOR BLACKIE. | ‘Tux attention of our friend, Proresson Buacxt®, is invited to the subjoined extracts from a little memoir in the Falkirk Herald of Joun ANDREW, a Carron workman, who has just died at the age of 78 :— | | A Taorovem Scorvemm,s.—Last week, Joun ANDREW, a Carron w died the ri of 78. : | eine, cele 78. He was a remarkable specimen of a hard-working, |,,.By dint of thrift and industry, Joun ANDREW, in the course of his | life, contrived to amass about £10,000. His biographer says that :— | His habits of living were unusually moderate. He was never known to spend a single farthing on luxuries, preferring to everything— ' ‘ The halesome parritch Wale o’Seotia's food,’ and such primitive fare, and it was deficient neither in bone-forming, flesh-forming, nor health-giving qualities.” It is to be feared that the contributors to the Falkirk Herald include iat least one of those degenerate Scots denounced - by Prorzssor rena for adopting English ideas; for in continuation we read | ** It was said, however, that his frugality extended to niggardliness.” | No, no, not at all likely. Sueh an imputation may perhaps have lermentioned | been whiney but upon what ground? The fact un is obviously insufficient to warrant it :— | “It is stated also, on excellent authority, that about eight yearsago, when his wife died, he epee py of his employers to attend her funeral, and although at | | that time about £6,000, he actually returned to work immediately after | | having paid the last respects to the remains of his partner in life.” Jounniz AnpRew returned to his work i after his wife’s |funeral. What of that? Suppose he had not d to his work till \that day week. That would have been thought nothing of—but what | is a man who forgets a-wife that was remembering in a week, or who forgets her as long as he lives? One man’s grief is ee is will, but lasts his hfetime; that of another is ungov: le at first, but wears out in time, often much sooner than his mourning dress, sometimes in less than a week. The former, mastering his to work at once. The latter lets his grief master him to work too itself: then, or in two or three days. he goes 3 ; Which has the stronger affection for his wife ? Work is the only —— |for a great grief. As such a refuge let us suppose that it was sought by Jonnniz Anprew ; not for a moment will we entertain the suppo- sition implied in what follows :— “The gentleman in charge of the department hunted him home. His anxiety to pursue his daily avocation was in order to secure the full day’s pay.” We cannot think that Mr. Anprew thought more of the loss of a | wages than he did of the loss of his wife; but if he valued his wife less than his wages, then the question occurs, How much was his wife worth? There are widowers who retire from their wives’ funeral to smoke a very comfortable pipe, instead of going to work. Into this question, however, we cannot go in the present instance, and nobody but a paltry Cockney will t it is at all affected by the statement ensuing :— ‘* It is further said that despite his wealth he once craved one of his relations for a halfpenny which was owing to him, so scrupulously exact was he in his monetary transactions. When buying herrings he used to weigh one in each hand so that he might buy the heaviest one.” “ Order is Heaven’s first law,” and that law was but conscientiously obeyed in the exactness of ANDREW. The annexed anecdote respecting him, superficially considered, may indeed rather seem to favour the hypothesis which ascribes his conduct to simple avarice :— ** About 20 years ago he chanced to take ill, and, as he seriously thought he was dying, bethought himself how matters stood in reference to futurity. Evidently wishing to atone for his earthly deficiencies, he made a handsome donation (somewhere about £250) to the Rev. Mr. WELCH, late of the West United Presby- terian Church, for the purpose of establishing a native teacher in Caffraria. Regain- ing health, he demanded back the sum.” But let us look below the surface in estimating the motives of Mr. Joun ANDREW’s conduct in this matter. We shall then not make the mistake of comparing his behaviour with that of the celebrated person- age who, according to the proverbial distich, when he was sufferin rom illness proposed to take the vows poverty, chastity, an obedience, but, as soon as he recovered, abandoned his pious intentions, and was no monk. No, no. When Jon AnpDREw was sick, he made the Church a donation, under the perverted idea of pote his soul by works; but when Jonn AnpREW got well, his sound orthodoxy returned together with his health; and he likewise demanded the return of his money. He repented of his fallacious repentance, and got back again to the good old Calvinistie doctrine of faith. In short, Jonnni AnpREW was a Scot, and a Scot, as Prorrssor BLackieE says, is a religious animal.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 25, 1862. ult} } oe \ A) Le Cassy. “‘ What, take the lot, Sir? NAAN seal tt i ved) 2t i ‘ we ACT Tite Ea in TMA Hh} Het Nye iif hr q F ‘ x Qs SQA \ \ : Well, I ain’t.no objeckshuns, personally, myself, but Sir Richard Mayne mightn't like me carrying ’Natomys through the Street.” PROGRESS IN CASE OF PEACE. A Prospect unpleasant has passed for the present, Shall we, ceasing war-preparations, So costly y, return to our steady, Pacific, and useful vocations ? We’ve plenty of work and must do it, And somehow contrive to get through it, To hold a position in our Exhibition Since we have asked all nations to it. Our leisure regaining, all London to draining We now must devote our attention, And the Thames’s embankment, ’mongst wonders to rank meant, A scheme of such vast comprehension ! The purified River, a new age Will use for its drink and its brewage, *T will ran no more muddy ; and then we ’ve to study The utilisation of sewage. Poured out in our waters, the fish that which slaughters, With plenty will crown all our acres ; We'll economise it, and deodorise it, To be of its produce partakers. Then Beauty shall touch the piano, And warble in dulcet soprano, “* Now rich in home-treasure, exceeding all measure, No longer we ’ll roam for our guano.” There ’s work for next Session ; by means of compression, Of speech it may vanquish its labours ; Make new laws, old cobble, if out of a squabble We manage to keep with our neighbours. Oh, let not their turbulent courses Force us to re-marshal our forces ! And pile shot and shell up, but may we develop In peace our internal resources ! ACCIDENT MAKES ADVERTISEMENTS ACQUAINTED WITH STRANGE COMPANIONS. We borrow the following advice from the advertising columns of a | | morning contemporary, who has had the good fortune of winning not | less proudly than ourselves the bad opinion of the Morning Star :— (jAZETTE OF BANKRUPTCY, No. 25, 2d. SUNDAY READING. Monthly Parts, only 3d. We long to read the beautifully abusive article that is almost sure to | | | appear in our Yankee friend, the Star, vehemently denouncing the | Zimes for profanely recommending, as indicated above, the Gazette of Bankruptcy for “Sunday Reading ”—more especially as there is such | |a charming paper published on that same day as the Dial. Please, be | | particular in asking for the Sunday edition of that paper. Moreover, we confess we agree for once with our invaluable denunciator, the Star, in doubting whether the Gazette of Bankruptcy is the best style of reading for Sunday, or indeed for any other day, inasmuch as such a publication must necessarily consist of nothing but column after column of “ broken English.” | | Very Sharp. Wuar have the smaller wits been about to miss this :— | “On Friday last the wife of a working Cutler, residing at 37, John’s Terrace» | Hackney Road, was safely delivered of three sons.” | A Cutler, mind, Well—three sons? No—three blades—ha! ha! 'ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! Why, the joke would make a young man’s | | fortune in the suburbs. Three J/ades/ Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! Who says there’s no wit nowadays? Ha! ha! ha! &c. &. &. New American Work.—Just Published, Dr. Darwin on the | Extinction of Specie, dedicated to the Secretary of the Treasury and the Bankers of New York. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evan Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, an London.—Saruapar, January 25, 1862. s, of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park, both in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, d Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in the City of , um whet! wicke insan ffairs right affairs

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Fesrvary 1, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ars a 7 Mh lth CE fel (Suez, WALD ILIZ, MMM, Youne Sawsongs. “ Now, Mother, shall I give you a cut of the Dorsal Muscle, or would you prefer a Slice of the Psoas !” GOVERNESSES FOR THE “ Dear Mr. Puncu, “From fifteen to twenty thousand pounds wasted in trying whether a young man is in_his senses or out of his mind! What a| wicked waste! If it is the Law’s fault, I am sure the Law is the worst lunatic in the case. Either the Law must be very stupid, or the judge a great F, or the lawyers a set of shocking R’s, to plunder a poor fellow between them of £20,000. If he is not able to manage his own affairs, are they fit to manage them for him ? _ “ How silly to take so much trouble to find out whether a man is insane or no in order to decide as to his fitness for managing his affairs! As if nobody was unfit to manage his own affairs but a down- right lunatic. Every wild young man almost is unfit to manage his affairs, and if he has a fortune, ought to be prevented from throwing it away. Not that he should be shut up, and prevented from going about under certain restrictions, but proper raed should be appointed to take care of his estates, lay out his money for him on somenmii things, and allow him so much a week. He should be made incapable of } ‘unning into debt or of marrying without the consent of his guardians. With the consent of his guardians, however, a wild young man unable to manage his own affairs should not only be allowed, but also encouraged and persuaded, and even urged to enter into matrimony, having a suitable match provided for him, and then he would be unable to make a mésalliance. Many sensible girls would be glad of such a artner, who might be more agreeable personally than one more steadily isposed, and being kept from breaking out would make her very happy. Even if a little weak of intellect he might prove a very good husband, as his wife could have her own way with him, and the care of any helpless object is a pleasing duty to our tender and affectionate natures, A weak-minded man appears to be intended by Nature for the mate of a strong-minded woman. Un marriage, of course, the management of the incapable young man's property should be transferred to his wife, supposing her equa to the task, and to have no Mamma living. Otherwise to whom could the care of his estates be better entrusted than to the Mamma? A ie € arrangement might be made, making the Mamma Committee of Estate—don’t the lawyers call it?—and the Wife Committee of IMBECILE. the Person. So one would save him from squandering his property, and the other would keep him from getting into mischief. ‘“*T have seven of them, Mr. Punch—marriageable daughters I mean, and not sons of large property and weak intellect. Happy, indeed, should I be to have seven sons-in-law of that description under the circumstances above-mentioned! One such, indeed, would be a treasure that I should embrace with thankfulness as an ample provision for my eldest, whilst his superfluous means, with my management, would be a — help for the rest. A husband of that sort who would keep regular ours and dine early, and go to bed betimes, except when his wife had an evening party, and give no trouble, and do what he was told, would lead a woman a much more pleasing life than a man of superior in- tellect, with his likes and dislikes, and pursuits and tastes, of one kind and another, wanting to go to clubs rt come home when he chose, and bring friends with him, and be master there when he did come. Such a man might be kind and generous, and all that, but he would not have the recommendation the other would of not interfering, and not having a will of his own, and not making a woman alter her domestic arrange- ments to suit his convenience. Married to a nice good-natured sim- pleton, she might pass her life comfortably, without excitement except now and then, in the quiet enjoyment of her ordinary meals. I am, dear Mr. Punch, your constant borrower, a lady moving in the first | society, and residing in a most fashionable neighbourhood at “ NuMBER ONE.” “PS. Do you know any rich imbecile young man that would suit my child? Oh! believe me, the only true Asylum for Idiots is Woman’s Heart.” Thanks for the Cue. ‘A fashionable party assembled at Witley Court, on Wednesday evening, to witness a grand billiard tournament, which the EarL or Dupiey had got up.”— Worcester Paper. Tue printing such matters gives Mr. Punch a right to print his own idea about them, which is that no stroke struck at the billiard “ tour- nament ”’ was half so remarkable as the coup made by Lorp Dup.ey himself, when his Pocket got the five Balls of an Earl’s coronet., Is Witley the right spelling ? VOL. XLII, F

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruary 1, 1862. QUACK AGAINST . QUACK. tasornep, with a of names only, is part of one para- graph and part of another, a two rand ie actually side by side in columns of a con- tempore. This is part of one :— Pea | should invalids persons suffering ic disorders eir money and their it is well known, aggra- vate and perpetuate dis- eases, and frequently we s~ witness the a ae by the highest medical a SE skill, of remarkably stron, patients who peor recover if kept clear of the baneful and terious influence of drugs. Their annoyance, danger, disappointment, a expense may be / cme, and all doctors’ and apothecaries’ bills avoided, by fnveliie taking Du Buncomspe’s Deli- cious Health Polenta Syriaca Food, which saves fifty thas te its cost in physie, eod-liver oil, and all other remedies.” This is part of the other :— “ Gutioway’s Pitts.—Worruy or Esrecia, Nors.— -These medicine for regulating healthily on the and nervous system, and the - The above extracts are taken from the and not from the advertising columns of the journal which contains them. Xo heading declares the to be advertisements, and doubtless many old women and fools read them suppose yo to be editorial statements, as fools and old women were — ey meant to do by the | sree who procured their insertion, nly veriest fool not quite an idiot, and e simplest old woman not oins in her will be puzzled by the mien which the second co . ‘The question implies th pills excel every other els, invigorating the heck andl waste th —ie that people ruin their waste their money by taking pills instead f Du Buxcomse’ s Polenta Syriaca Food. The answer to it declares that Guz- uieay? 8 _ excel every other medicine. The weakest mind must see the con- trariety of clashing statements thus lying, in every sense of the word lying, close together. Every quack who puts a paragraph into a paper should stipulate for the insertion of his own puff at a reasonable distance from any other which gives it the lie direct. Old women and others who have read the foregoing contradictory specimens of puffery, will be as much puzzled as wiser persons are y the opposite tenets of numerous gentlemen who sign the Thirty-nine Articles, and yet unite in condemning Dr. RowLanp WiLL1IAMs. HELMETS FOR PEACE HEROES. Ir is of great importance to ed in th and of some to the police, that policemen should have their heads prote he execution of their duty. The present police-hat answers this purpose in a measure, if the ruffian who is resisting capture, will be so TT - to rag tect hitting his yy on the crown of it, instead of first knocking it off. he head ; but the latter course is usually adopted. The hat now worn by the peice 1 is very thick, heavy, and hot. It has been likened to a chimney-pot, because of its shape, and it further resembles a smoking flue in the temperature of its interior. Considering these disadvantages of the existing police-hat, a certain Mr. Cu1xps, ne to a city paper, has recommended as a substitute for it a kind of helmet, ing 8 modification of the Greek galea, without the plume, so as not to look too war e for an officer whose otras — in keeping the peace. This headpiece, however, possesses one qualit pony namely, = lightness of a feather, which is combined with the » Prabi of an arch. It also unites ventilation with Space, and protects the eyes, neck, and ears. Lastly, it is described as in keeping with the wearer’s dress, which it be, perhaps, when the boots and coats of the police-force are exchanged for tunics greaves. ad trust that the authorities will ‘adopt the classical improvement suggested as wrotection for the heads of a valuable body of men. No skull can be proof against e-preserver, or, rather, a life- —— ut one which is much thicker than that of an intelligent officer ought to Ab Ovo Usque ad Bonum. Amone the persons who, following Mr. Punch’s example, have sent appropriate presents to GaRIBALDI, is a gentleman of a piscivorous character, who has for- warded to the Italian Liberator a pat quantity of Salmon’s Eges. We accept | the omen. May it imply that he will soon occupy the Chair of the Fisherman. «TALL WRITIN’ ;” OR, “SEWARD SET TO MUSIC.” I Guess them sarcy mm Won’t easy get to leew Of such an all-fired smart old ’ As Winutax H. SEwarp. When short 0’ corn, he ’ll give ’em husks ; . b nto as hitch, y he "ll gk ockdo stump, spread-eagle, splurge, And circumvent nen RussELL. Thar’s that despatch he’s just fired off, It rally ¢ is a moddle : The ’cuteness and the smartness on’t Whip a Europian noddle. Your statesman of the darned old world, For forms and facts a stickler. Had ought to skin his eyelids, e’er He'd turn out stch a tickler! The oo. holds of paltry law British rally, Beyont the plug.that’s in his jaw don’t conclude to vally. ae py ees a set ap rights gin’ mig i nation, Like a true hoss and citizen | He hurls expectoration. Fie Sar pate bier What odds if they are p’ints that *s been demolished ? They re pints we want to prove we re right, eye ey hay And in our Stars Steiges cubliene Meguaninmenty felds "one How calm and grand his attitood, His utt’rance how heroic, Enough to waken up a slawth, Or ’lectrify a Stoic! When he declares the narrer bounds Of old-world Law o "erleapin’, — Mason and Sime. he’d a’ kept, If they ’d been worth the keepin’. But theagh the law be on our side, (Or, if it ain’t, no matter)— Though with a breath the Britishers We in our might could scatter— The cause is too contemptible Our war-dogs to unbridle, We hurl back womigh in your teeth, And arter Mason, SLIDELL. A moral triumph’ we have gained (There ’s Coarntes H. Sumner’ll swar it) ; But if them prisoners remained In custody, they ’d mar it. Shall proud Conumera grudge to shake Pollution off her garmint ? No! rather let her joy to git Rid of such cusséd varmint. We’ve druv the Britisher to plead The plea of law ’afore us, And universal natur’ crows At such a sight, in chorus. We’ve gi’n him what he gin to us— ' Spit on the British Lion— Ope wide Fort Warren’s gates, and set The Stars and Stripes a flyin’ ! Jerr.-Davis, he’s well-nigh chawed up, Rebellion in is cavin’ For mussy and for pork "and corn, The hungry South is cravin’. From whar he gazes at the sun, Arisin’ and a-settin’, The Northern Eagle’s ; wakin? up, And kinder wrathy gettin’ ? y | ee. ar ae

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Fesrvary 1, 1862.] 43 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Wait till Jerr.-Davis we have whipped, And crush’d the rebel millions ; Then let the Britishers bewar— Both sdldiers and civilians! = = We'll flog their armies, take their ships, Upset their aristoxy : And when the hull New World’s annexed, We’ll rule the Old by proxy. NASAL INTELLIGENCE. mone other festive mnovel- ties (for however sad a Christmas may nati be, the advertisements are sure to say the season is a festive one) we see an- a song thing,” and equally well used are we to hear @ song- stress spoken of as having a “sweet voice.” But in ol eh find these it applied, we s fon they bear reference to a nasal than a vocal point of excellence, and that a piece is called a sweet one because it is per- fumed with some delicious scent. : To make the novelty more popular, we would suggest that it were well if songs and other com- ositions were scented with an odour appropriate to their subject, as ar as that might be. Thus, the air of ‘ foes Ripe” might be per- fumed with the smell of that delicious fruit, and “Rose, Thou art the Fairest Flower,” should be scented with fresh rose-water, to attract thereby the noses of the ballad-buying world. Milleflewrs would per- haps be the perfume most soprepents to “I knew a Bank,” whereon the wild thyme and the oxlip, and a score of other wildflowers are understood to grow: but the scents which are expressed from a lily and a daffodil would be fittest for “‘ Fair Daffodils” and “ Ye Lilies Chaste,” while Mr. Baure’s new song of “ Pretty Lowly, Modest Flower,” should of course be nicely scented with forget-me-not, if it be discovered that a have scent. ing songs we think might be perfumed like the grape : except when some more potent drink than wine is spoken of, as for instance Mr. Harrison’s new song in raise of punch, which a mixed scent to resemble the fumes of that amed beverage should be invented to a. Of course the air of “ Drops of Brandy” should smell strongly of eau-de-vie; while HanpEL’s “ Water Music,’ if scented with a sprinkling of Bouguet de la Tamise, would scarcely, one would fear, be much enhanced in either its sweet- ness or attractiveness. If our hint be carried out, a ballad may be"made as good as a bouqnet, with the additional advantage of being far more durable. Besides, i pieces be perfumed with the due sense of what is proper, only think what time and trouble may be saved when people go to purchase some new music; which now they either must hum over, or strum on the iano, if they have any wish to know what it is like. Selection will however me an easy matter, when music is perfumed according to its nature, and its quality may be detected by a sniff. No one then will care to hear a piece tried over before paying down the money for it: and young ladies when they want to know if a new song be pretty, will simply ask their friends the question, “ Does it smell nice? ” Everybody's Godfather. Our scholarly friend, the Rerue du Samedi, has devoted an elaborate article to _—_ that the North and South folks of America use very awkward distinctive names. It does not like “Federal,” it does not like “Confederate,” it does not like anything. Its arguments are un- impeachable, but its exertions are superfluous. The South has long since accepted, with an honest joy and delight, the name affixed to it by Mr. Punch, namely, Stavzowx1a; and the North is about to take his other suggestion, and call itself Bennert’s Lanp. Messrs. StanFrorp and Wy pe are preparing maps with the new nomenclature. ced that ae yeaa Gils ot a | deserves named t-shop will be LORD PUNCH TO LORD RUSSELL, GREETING. Bravo! Lorp Russett! Punch pats you on the back with mingled pride and admiration. Admiration of your language anent the 7rent affair, and pride that he, Punch, was the one who taught you to write letters. Excellently well has your Lordship profited fy the instruction which has been vouchsafed you gratis in these columns. Notably, some years since, when you wrote your Durham letter, Punch felt it was his duty to tender you advice in the epistolary art : and your late despatches and letters to Loxp Lyons prove fully how you laid to heart the pre- cious hints you then received. Your style is now perspicuous, clear, simple, and straightforward. There is no beating about the bush in | the plain English you write. What you have to say you say without leaving a loophole of escape from what you mean. You clearly state our case, and name your terms for satisfaction of the injury received. ou plumply call a spade a spade: and leave no shadow of a chance to 7 words about it. You ask for , justice simply, with bast: and speak with not more jus y, without bluster or 5 I plainness than you do politeness. There is but one sarcastic sentence in all that you have wien and it ~ ent embalmed, for the pleasure of posterity, in the amber-type “1 stated to Mr. Apams the substan OUVENEL’ as I had heard it from M. oa Fiamanus. manny’ gn eer “Mr. Avims said that the French Government had always been very consistent maintenance of the rights of neutrals. He added that he could not pay our Government the same compliment. Baa hy would dispense with compliments, if this matter could be amicably in their | Very neat, your Lordship. Even your tutor, Punch, could scarce | have better worded it. You, the nobleman, are pleased to say you can | dispense with compliments,” coming as they would from a less lordly quarter, and simply want oe ag with your just de Very right and proper, and very neatly put. When a black igs one’s | handkerchief one can “ dispense with compliments,” po! ag merely | anxious to get back what one has lost. re are, however, compli- | ments which no one can dispense with; and these are the compliments | bestowed on men of worth and merit like your Lordship, by your Lord- ship’s very faithful friend and tutor, ‘ PUNCH. AN UNBENDING REED. Mr. Puncu begs to congratulate Mr. Cuartes Reape, author of Never too Late to Mend, upon having illustrated the title of his book by vanquishing the people who mutilated it for the stage. It is never too late to mend bad manners, and he has obtained, after a gallant struggle, a legal recommendation to theatrical hacks to mend theirs. A certain class of an ht has hitherto deemed it quite lawful to pounce upon the work—finished or unfinished—of any novelist, to strip away any artistic clothing in which the writer may have d his characters, and to send them on the stage, either nude or in tawdry s garments, | to say, do, and mean anything but the sayings, doings, meanings of | their creator. Some dramatic gentlemen have kindly finished the story for the writer before he has had time to do so for himself; others have only rejected his fale, and stuck on a new one more likely to be pleasing to the gallery. And such is the lovely state of the law that the more outrageous the violence done to the author, the less chance he has of Snning reparation. ‘Too much money is made by plundering and | mangling the books of the living and the dead to make it probable that | the practice will be abandoned; but Mr. Reape has done much | towards asserting an author’s right to some little consideration in the business, and Mr. Punch rewards him with the following elegant com- liment, namely, that in this case Mr. Reape’s defeated adversary ing named Conquest, Mr. Reape is what Lonp CHESTERFIELD was | told by Dr. Jonnson that the latter had hoped to be, namely, Ze | vaingueur du vainqueur. The Best Way to Put It. An old Verse, respectfully recommended to Mr. SEWARD, as @n excuse for settling the quarrel. Says the North to the South, “Thou Much pain, we must b up the U: For your character’s totally lost, And I’ve not sufficient for wo.” it.cost Woman’s Work. Sicnora Manzo, (not our dear Grist, mind,) has been ledaring 5 the Whittington Club, and the point of her lecture seems to have the announcement that “ red shirts were Spry heey fashion, in Italy, in the Spring.” We are glad to see the lady at last turning her atten- tion to subjects legitimately within her sphere, and we hope that Sicwor Marto has buttons on all Azs shirts, red or not.

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MATL fh | ‘ N ‘ 3 ¥ < y S =| SOOOSS ia PRUDENCE. Matilda (with the hat). “ WELL, DEAR, NO ONE EVER PRESUMED TO ADDRESS ME ; STILL, AFTER ALL THE LETTERS IN THE PapeERs, I THINK no Girt oF PREPOSSESSING APPEARANCE SHOULD EVER GO OUT UNPROTECTED; sO I aLWaYs TAXSE THOMPSON NOW!”

THE I. O. U. INDIAN. A Very interesting paper was read before the Ethnological Society on Tuesday night.. It was upon the manners, habits, and destinies of the American tribe of I. O. U. Indians, and was prepared from notes | taken by several travellers, and also from native records. _ It appears | that the I. O. U. Indian was originally English, and that his ancestors | passed over to the New World in the seventeenth a For many poe he preserved the noble characteristics of his stock, and showed imself wise, brave, and independent. But the deteriorating influences of climate, and still more a vast infusion of inferior animalism, in the form of convict Irish, deboshed Germans, and the accumulated scum of other nations, combined to demoralise the Englishman, and a few generations have brought him more and more closely into assimilation with the aboriginal Indians of the Western Continent. We now find that he has lost nearly all traces of his‘English descent, and has acquired the propensities but not the savage virtues of the aborigines. Instead of the dignified silence which is so picturesque a feature in them, he cultivates the art of talk in its amplest and noisiest form, infinitely prefers the longest to the shortest oration or letter, and has recently chosen a Chief Magistrate because there was more of him than of any of his rivals. The I. O. U. Indian is excessively fond of smart dress, and attires himself cots, the morning in the costume worn by civilised persons as full dress, and upon his females especially he loves to heap every conceivable piece of incongruous finery, in imitation, as he fancies, of the fashionable ladies of France. He is very extravagant, but entirely unscrupulous as to the payment of debts,-and when such payment is demanded, he whoops, leaps, and declares that his abode is in the setting sun, which he considers a good plea, Formerly a warlike character, he seems to have lost this attribute, and though irritable and revengeful, he displays no aptitude for the combinations which make war a science, But, in common with the aboriginal Indian, he delights in safe mischief, and his exultation at burning 2 house, or choking up a harbour, is very demonstrative. He has acquired the name of I. O. U. from his latest expedients to raise money, when refused it by bankers

| |and others who have declined to trust him. Of his religion not much seems to be known, except that he swears a good deal, never laughs, and refers to somethmg which he calls Dollar as the Great First Cause | of all his actions. He has a strange hatred for the black man, whom he | illtreats, either physically or morally, as much as he can. But he is not with- out many redeeming points, and often evinces generosity and humanity, | and is so desirous to learn better things, that he plunders foreigners of | their books upon all occasions. These are good signs, and there is no reason for despair of his future, if he can be brought into contact as much as possible with European civilisation, the same remedy which indeed he himself, in his calmer moments, advocates as the means of elevating the negro, though the I. O..U. Indian has never sincerely tried that experiment. We have to thank the Ethnological Society for the above heads of a most instructive paper.

JUST THE VERY NAME FOR HIM. Tue following appeared (go and buy the paper, sceptic) in the Zimes of Thursday last :— j “The CHANCELLOR OF THE ExcHEQuER acknowledges the receipt of a Bank-note for £5 on account of Income-Tax from A.8.8.” Magna est veritas, et prevalebit! No doubt the advertiser thought, by sending merely his initials, to conceal his real name. However, it has slipped out, spite of his attempts to hide it. For there is»no doubt that a person, sending conscience-money to the CHANCELLOR “on account of Income-Tax,”’ only tells the real truth when he writes himself = that which Dogberry was anxious that his clerk should write him own. : é

Juvenile Art-Treasures. Tue young gentlemen of Mr. Ducann’s Classical and Commercial Academy acpene to send a contribution of marbles to the Great N ational Exhi ition of 1862,

‘

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fesrvary 1, 1862. Ve ips 4 Wi iil a >a | \ 1% \ATo : 4) WZ, An RETROGRESSION (A VERY SAD PICTURE). War-Dance of the I. 0. U. Indian.

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Fenavary 1, 1862.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ——=y aa

THE SHEPHERD OF SALISBURY PLAIN. (** I passed @ small Cot.’’) I Passzp a small Court where the lawyers abound, a change met my view ; U: pious their faces found, And their studies we'do come to repeat remarkably ne Tiitheks task from Testaments has accom: lished ‘i feat ? isbury Plai a the And T exclaim “The Shepherd of ome te Bir ae Articles gazed, A second the Pentateuch bore, A third (who I oon Dales speedy dazed) Was conning the Fathers of yore compen Sere Samal and Lowrx, nd worked at Watts and Romarnz ; Bat the name that I found was in overy one ’s mouth, Was “The Shepherd of Salisbury Plain.” And what is the work that the herd has set, That leads to the scene I behold on whose forehead oe To Let, Cried one, “To hu hunt out a sheep from _ a nee wee man cot and ma hel he'll forfeit his fleece ey om To the Shepherd Peet” 3 “That seems a severe the kind Shepherd had thrown the poor sheep troversialist to chew If those wodat silence his noises, old man, carrots to H castigation and pain e That *s not, Sir,” he answered, “ Pthe pastoral plan Of the Shepherd of Salisbury Plain. “Our Shepherd ’s a piper—his sheep, if they bleat, Must bleat to the tune of his pipe ; Or the sheep-dog you see on that well. cushioned seat Will give them a snap and a gripe.’ Then a whistle was oar oer and away they all bowled, To hunt the schismatic And I said, “I am glad that 1’ I’m not of the fold Of the Shepherd of Salisbury Plain.”

DIAMONDS FROM THE WINDHAM MINE. Some De 2 are a plvare finding fault. Growling is made about the expense of the bal ge 5 Hy ve Mr. Punch begs to say that he _ thinks that the result of thirty trial and an expenditure o £50,000, | aw repays both the trouble and the outlay. At present all that has | ¥ been attained is the knowledge of three facts ; but then, what facts they | are. Newton’ Px disecwerion an mare’s nests in comparison, They are— ist. That Mn. Corermen would rather be a Magdalen than a Qnd, That Mr. Warnen does not know what is meant by “ Skittles.” And— 3rd. That Mz. Cuamperrs has read the Bible. | "These three statements the case has called forth from the li PY the gentlemen named, and though that is all that has been done, nch considers that the interests of society have been en immensely adnanel, aah oe rate Re Larts Satan Gs Giak, wate they have to settle who shall bear the costs

Rumoured Change of Fashion. | ! A Report has been current for some days, in well-informed os. | that the pre veone —— of hoops and cages, which has so long been in use to extravagant dimensions under the name of Crneline, i ne is out of fashion in Paris. We sincerely trast this rumour is true. Society takes its tone from Parisian ; and good taste has too long been outraged by the social nuisance, not to say the social evil, Crinoline.

A STANDING CALUMNY, We are afraid the Nelson Column will never fall within our ex rience to - bl Pa i ath able to say conscientiously that the Pillar is a finished

PITY THE POOR DIPLOMATES. THOsE poor diplomatists! Theirs is really a case for the strongest : ap to the compassion of Joun Buut and his Parliament. ust think of them, poor fellows ; 4 —fro extrao’ to ministers and ¢ op pee | legation to attachés— going through Their repulsive and for rr 4 for less than nothi paying, in fact, for the bg lege of filling ihe laborious posts which leave them out of pocket The the Sore f th duced to live in huge ho plendidly sawyers of them are re to livein Ses, 8) and warmed and lighted at the public expense; to give great dinners,’ and balls, Reyes oo to rhe ge to and dance, and go to the o parties and Royal or Im Tees eh ie seg - parties, to say nothing pers such minor mie du epach wring ‘on interviews with ministers and the endless bother of getting cae — travellers out of scrapes, or into secretaries of legation have to follow their chief’s aa. Thay 0b Guanpelied 40 live im expensive lodgings, pb oa urants, and keep their eq and fuse nthe cone (and we all ow win ht glut eles attachés have ~ of 4 LO De secretaries. The total of ies by Jomx en ot ae amounts toa mere febite of £180,000 a-year—of which sum £50, gen salaries of the Ambassadors at the capitals of the Great eons and don’t enable these poor men, with the strictest economy, to make both ends meet even then ! Sim H. Weorrow defined an ambassador as ‘ A man sent abroad to lie for the beaut of his epentry.” It seems that we o as i: int ies nowadays as a man sent abroad to ruin for tic There was Sin G. Seymour spending his £10,000 secretaries Herculean toil came: months, and left to live as he could, on tick, or charity, i own resources, if he have any (which we smerny 5 pov} he ae “for the other three; and Sm A. Bucnanan ey: sy more than his at Copenhagen, and eating a hole of £1000 in es besides ; . Smpygy Lowcocx (first attaché at St. Peters ), with a sly 0 of £380, and absolutely unable to find the bare means of shelter motion for less than £640, viz., £420 for house-rent, and £220 for his carriage ! It is evident that this sort of thing cannot, and re = to go on. Either we must consent to see the Service shi t all but millionnaires, ox double and treble the salaries of ae con- ome with it ao tan etgene 2 and Lorp Narrer, and Lorp BLoMFIELp, and _— Lortus, and Sir H. Butwer ,000 a-piece instead of £10,000; pay <<? secretaries, say £2,500 a-piece, and every attaché £1, 000 at the very least. Everybody of good breeding, be perfectly aware th oe it is im ae oe to for them of the Rl gg must appearance for less. It is notorious eoeniate yore | iiilcas, eee samen tomers ae sane We 8 ople, manage y =~ e all know the colossal scale of French German and — — salaries, and the shameful contrast ator t with the hn the unfortunate noblemen and whom we om vei into our Diplomatic Service. we wonder if, under these circumstances, the Service is ce that it is every day becoming more difficult to to accept embassies, or to tempt young men into ‘sttachéets ? tere the fact is so is but too Loy serme . om remedy is not applied, we shall soon have the u classes withdrawing altogether from the service of the Foreign diplomacy abandoned to the lower orders, such as now supply 0 our cons : t is no use for the sufferers to shut up their within the cover of a blue book, or to ventilate their destitution to the unsympa- ines § ears of a House of aber et them ine th eae Let them come out in an app e public; ne the Cross to the door of the mi Office in Whitehall Ganlons evi man in his official blue and gold pen and : on, and with a placard before him—“ I am Stanvine!” would be well to go further, and taking a hint from the practice of the Cattle Shows, for each to ticket himself with his place of service, his , and his hardships, as thus :— Ks Ambassador at Paris. Scarcely a p 4 a3 —_ nominally found ~~ but not more than £29, ten years! Only £10,000 salary, aud i100 for Obliged to live five months ovens as year at Chan’ mental grounds and an expensive chasse mip keep up!!! can do to get a decent dinner for self and family, let alone enter- taining my staff or English visitors 111” wo woe oe supe paid, hardest worked, e

insignificant Civil Service ls Estimates.

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[Fepruary 1, 1862, a sat sr ay ae ty \Z \\ MISSUS-ISM, HEARTED, SENSITIVE LITTLE FELLOW! !” OR WHAT WILL BECOME OF THE SERVANT GALS? ProvupD MoruHeEr (to the new Maid). “ We parted with Sarah, because she was so sharp with our dear sweet little Harry, who has such animal spirits, you know ; throwing everything about, or kicking his | football through the window— perhaps he’ll kick you, too—but you must not mind it, for he’s a L10N-| a gentleman by his gait—and a blaekguard | A NAWFUL CASE. ** And do still, by these (rag) pickers and——” Hamlet. Wuar a nuisance the Police are! Really their tyranny is insupportable. The veryRag- Pickers are rising against the despots. A heart-rending case clamours for vengeance | against the minions, and is being worked by | |the penny press. A poor woman, who drives about with a cart, in the country, a sort of moving Marine-Storekeeper, has actually been taken up for “possessing” a sack that did | | not belong to her, the right owner of which | |had the ferocity to hand her over to the | police. Heavenly powers, do we live in the | | nineteenth century! When we consider the | | encouragement which the Marine-Storekeeper |in London offers to youth to cultivate its |powers of observation, and how he teaches | | the value of the smallest article, and gives a | | practical lesson on the convertibility of pro- | perty, he, and his country imitator, ought to | | be considered as Public Instructors, and | ought not to be tyrannised over by a brutal | | Police. In this case the abominable Magis- | trates actually fined the unoffending woman | ten —_— and costs for having a sack that did not belong to her, and though the haughty | and insolent tyrants did not exactly say so, | we believe that in the depth of their black | souls they thought her very little better than | a Thief. As if a Marine-Storekeeper ever did a dishonest thing. We blush for these Dogberries, we blush for the Police, we | blush for the civilisation of the century; in | fact, we propose to go on blushing ‘generaliy until further notice. THe Way tHe Wortp Gors.—You know '| | by his Billingsgate. THREE HUNDRED WORDS. Mr. Puncu observed, the other day, a very ill-founded Lament on the part of a clerical Philologist. In writing upon the use of the English language by English people, he stated that very few persons were aware of the resources of their native tongue; that so-called educated people had a very limited vocabulary, while among the humbler elass the riches of the language were own, e held up as subjects for pity the inhabitants of his own village, very few of whom, he said, knew more than Three Hundred Words. Mr, Punch, whose nose testifies that he knows “Canaan’s rich lan- guage, in perfection,” and who also— “ Knows the Greek, plenteous in words and sense, The Chaldee wise, the Arabic profound, The Latin, pleasing with its eloq . The braving Spanish with its lofty sound, The lisping French that fits a lady vain. The German, like the people, rough and plain, The English, full and rich, his native country’s strain,” replies, authoritatively, Bosk/ And he commends the villagers who can manage to get through life with Three Hundred Words, as LEonIDAS has got through the Ages with Three Hundred Spartans. What would our Clerical Philologist have? If Three Hundred Words suffice a man to say his prayers, court, wed, and thenceforth blow up his wife, scold his children, direct a stranger the shortest way out of that village, demand beer at the Blue Pig, and state which way the fox went—what more does the man want? If a wandering citcus comes round, and the villager wishes to go to the show, he can ask, as a lady would do, “When do they begin,” and would be no better off, if he could ask, as her lady’s maid would do, “ At what hour does the per- formance commence.” If a friend has been up to the Crystal Palace, our villager can say, “ What wur the best thing thee saw?” and this is a straighter way of getting at the fact than would be on by the Bagman who stops at the Blue Pig aforesaid, and who would say, “ And what article in that miscellaneous assortment struck you as most remark- able?” Was not—as hath been written of old—the famous “ Thou art the man,” which would have been the i ty phrase, far better than “Why, you yourself are the very individual to whom I have been alluding all this time?” Is not “Main good times for the crops, | master,” worth a dozen of “I really think, Sir, that the continuance of | this delightful weather promises favourably for the harvest,” and would | you not sooner talk to a man who saw you looking at a stream, and | said, “ There ’s chub in them pools, Sir,” than to one who smirked out that he should judge that the river at our feet. offered an inviting | prospect to the angler? Finally, and as the crucial test—Mr. Punch is | a married man, and does not want another wife, but if instead of being an elegant middle-aged gentleman of the highest accomplishments, he were a handsome honest young rustic, asking a pretty girl a certain question, he would very considerably prefer the rosy lips that said, “I love thee, Jan,” to the equally rosy pair that said, “ Must I confess, Atpnonso, that you have inspired a sincere affection in this bosom ? ” Parson—shut up—or rather don’t, for you are a fellow. Go and ee sermon which can be understood by the men of Three Hundred ords, A POPULAR WANT. Tue entertainment annually = to the inmates of the Asylum for Idiots, Earlswood, came off on Monday last, consisting in a distribution of prizes from Christmas-trees, a treat to tea and cake, and a series of “ special amusements,” in the course whereof, according to the news- papers, was performed a musical interlude, “in which the aptitude of the officers of the institution to amuse and interest the subjects of their care was specially brought out ’’—very specially indeed, thus :— “Negro melodists made their appearance in a ‘London Street,’ and were en- countered by great applause.” So we should think. The popularity of Negro melodists is very great. Asylums for idiots are by no means so numerous as they ought to be. A Guarantee. “The Opinione states that the EMPEROR oF THE FRENCH is taking steps with Russia for the recognition of the Kingdom of Italy by that Power.” Quite correct, and we understand that the Emprror’s most cogent argument is delivered in the words of Lorp Byron :— “ And with the addition of a slight Police, Turin’s and Moscow’s climes are of a piece.” a a + tat S fT

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Fesruary 1, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. ERILY, friend Punch, there e stranger t now happening in the dramatic world than are dreamt o oe —— ae sophy. Fancy a pack o vestrymen fired with the ambition to defend the plays of SuaxsPEare from foreign innovation, and jumping up like Britons to protect from French invasion what they call his ‘sacred text!’ No wonder Monsieur FEcHTER for awhile has fled to Paris, to escape the virtuous wrath of such all-powerful assail- ants. Here is the threat of vengeance, hurled forth "as witha trumpet-note :-— ESTRY HALL, KEN-| NINGTON.—A few Vestry- | men intend performing Othello | on Wednesday, January 22nd. They neither affect the ‘‘ Stagy ” nor the “ French School,” but will attempt, with reverence for the sacred text, such an inter- pretation as common sense dic- tates. Admission by Invitation Tickets only. “ T have heard of ‘ Miracle Plays,’ and I really think Ofhello, per- formed by a few vestrymen, must have been a play well worthy of the name. It — must have been a miracle if they got through with it at all, at least if I may make a guess at their capacity for acting, from the specimens of Vestrydom whom I have chanced to meet; and if they much relied on ‘ common sense’ to help them, I sadly fear they found, such aid fall rather short. I wonder, was there some sly refe- rence to the vestryman who blacked his face to play the Moor, and doubtless lost himself completely in the arduous attemipt to personate that character, in the advertisement I saw a few days afterward in the Times, headed rather ominously ‘ A Sante Murr Lost?’ “Not being so lucky as to get an invitation, I did not see this wondrous miracle-play performed, and therefore caniot gratify a (doubtless) anxious universe by saying how it went. Perhaps it was the sight of these bold vestrymen’s advertisement that tempted me the other evening into what was once Miss Kexty’s Theatre, where amateur Kings Richard, Hamlets, and Othellos, used a while since to abound. These classic boards no longer now are trodden by young oscil, but have for some weeks past been danced upon by pretty piquant Miss Dr Rona, who has lately here been charming her admirers by the archness of her manner, and the briskness of her legs. Her aye is now supplied by a farce and a burlesque, for neither of which can I say ah, and by a pleasant little sparkling opera by Orrenzacu, who, if he be a Hebrew, will excuse me for remar it is quite a byjew work. The music is throughout graceful, elegant, and lively, and on the whole it is agreeably and prettily performed. Mr. ORGAN has an ‘organ’ (as the swell critics would call it) not so well- trained as GIUGLINT’s, nor so powerful as TaMBERLIK’s ; but he sings in taste and tune, and utters English words so that English ears can ear them, and that is more than many an English singer now can do. $s Mima Stan ey, too, although not quite so wondrous as her classic name implies, is yet a very smart and lively little lady, and sings and acts with such vivacity, that the business never drags while she is on the scene. Her quarrelling duet with her fair riva!, Miss Payne, is as brisk a bit of fun as one would wish to hear and see, and her high clear voice tells well in the lively drinking trio, which is as sparkling as the beverage supposed to be imbibed. (Let me advise you, though, Miss L to leave out that small coarseness about your ‘falling on’— slight hesitation—‘ on the ground,’ Such hints may please the gallery, but they offend the stalls.) . “Altogether, then, Le Mariage aux Lanternes is very well worth seeing i its present English dress; and I hope it may so please tlie fickle- minded public as to be succeeded by a similar success. Though far tom being perfect, its execution is so good that one may wait for some- Tine better with reasonable hope. An Opéra Comique is a novelty in England, and the Royalty Theatre is of just the size to suit such Pleasant little pieces as OrFENBACH and hosts of foreign writers have composed, but which our own composers appear to lack the humour and vivacity to write. As a rule one goes to theatres that one may be a and this is possible with operas as well as with mere farces, a _— the operas be neatly written and composed, and pleasantly “ Speaking thus of opera reminds me that I promised to say another word or two concerning Covent Garden, where Mr. Batre’s new work will, in the week when this is published, have reached its fiftieth night. Call me, if you please so, a ‘play-bilious’ critic (I thank thee, Punch, for teaching me that word), I still must say this opera does not improve upon acquaintance; partly because excrescences, which should have been removed, have been retained, it may be, for the pleasing of an audience attracted chiefly by the pantomime, and who care less for - singing than for getting a laugh. This end has been gained y cutting out some pleasant music and giving prominence to dialogue that does not much contribute to the beauty of the work. Much as I commend Mr. Harrison’s clear utterance and musical delivery (few actors know how to make their words tell more than he does), I should not object to find his small talk somewhat shortened ; and for the credit of our ancestry, one would like to see Lord Rochester presented with his tipsiness a little more toned down. “ Although written by one of our most entertaining farce-wrights, aud the one who so luxuriates in hard-hitting, bustling fun, there is not much to laugh at in the Covent Garden pantomime ; and one sighs for the old time when Grimaupr played the Gulliver, and, sitting at his ease on a gigantic quartern loaf, warbled a duet with a Brobdingnag canary, addressing the big creature as a ‘little fluttering thing! Theu / where are we to- look now for that quiet, unctuous humour in which he so excelled, and the intensely clown-like drolleries that made the sourest cynic laugh? Flare and finery are held now in more account than fun, and the brightness of a splendid Transformation Tableau (and that at Covent Garden really cs a splendid one) is deemed of more attraction than the brightness of good humour and the brilliance of wit. Hence, while scene painters are flourishing, there is small eneo' ment extended to good clowns; and as a7 common acrobat is hired to play the character, there has been gradually induced a dearth of comic talent, and the race of the Gromaxpis has well-nigh become extinct. “Onxz wuo Pays.” KING CABBAGE IN CHANCERY, Smirx O’Brien, of the Cabbages, unlike his friend Mzacuer, of the Sword, has got a real grievance at last. When he had committed the felony for which he was transported, he prudently determined to cheat the Crown he could not knock off, and he assigned his property to trustees for his family. The pardoned felon now wants his property back. But the trustees, who seem sensible men, consider that whereas the interests of persons who are not yet of an age to act for themselves are involved, the best plan will be not to give back the property to O’Brizn, as, if that Irish giant took to discounting Szwarp’s bills, or otherwise scattering the money.in further attempts against hated Eng- land, the infants might unpatriotically ble, and be down on the trustees for not taking care of the tin. So the matteris referred to the Court of Chancery. The Irish giant, proposes a compromise, and de- mands an “adequate annuity.” If this is granted, he promises to settle near Dublin and “ devote himself to litherature and politics.” If not, he means to rush into a foreign land “and seek an honourable death in a remature adventure”—stay, we have misplaced his adjectives. Well, e is a silly old fellow, but we cannot wish him any , and we hope that he will get his annuity, and study literature and politics, of which his letters and his acts show that he has hitherto been in tremendous ignorance. We should be sorry that the full measure of contemptuous pardon were not dealt out to him. In asimilar case, in any of the other countries which Mr. O’Brien considers so superior to England, he | would have been incontinently hanged up out of the way, and his family | would have had as much chance of his property as he has of being king | of Oireland. Let the lesson be read to all small culprits—England can | not only afford to forgive them, but returns the money found on their | persons by the police. True Patriotism. Tue American organs, the New York Herald and the Morning Star, | have, we understand, entered into a compact not only for the exchange of leading articles (almost a superfluous arrangement, from the curious resemblance of the literary and political productions of the two papers), but for giving the most convincing proof of the conviction of the pro- rietors that the new Federal notes are as good as dollars or sovereigns. fn future the whole of the staff of the twin —— are to be paid in the SEWARD shin-plasters. The notification given the liveliest satis- faction to the contributors and other employés. A CLOUDY PASSAGE, Ir is said that there is a silver lining to every cloud, but the cloud that has lately hung over America has now lost even that consolatory feature, for it is lined only with tissue-paper, and to look upon that as an acceptable substitute for a currency of specie, is nothing better than a tissue of absurdity.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ll : 1 SESS WNSSSS WX \. [Fesrvary 1, 1862. A MERE TRIFLE. Gertrude. ‘But, my DEAR ARTHUR, HOW CAME YOU TO GET sUCH A ‘CROPPER’ AS YOU CALL IT?” Arthur. “Wert! Ir was JUST THE LITTLE BIT OF A PLACE WHERE A FELLOW DOFS GET SPILT SOMETIMES—THERE WAS A DitcH ABOUT A COUPLE OF YARDS WIDE, AND THEN A HIGHISH BANK, YOU KNOW, WITH A STIFFISH QUICKSET ON THE TOP—AND A NASTYISH Post anp Rails JUST BEYOND—AND THEN ANOTHER WIDISH SORT OF A DITCH AND INTO A FIELD WHERE THEY HAD BEEN Drarninc— AND SO, YOU SEE, SOMEHOW OR OTHER WE CAME TO GRIEF!” IMPOLITIC PERSECUTION IN SPAIN. G@rear excitement has been produced among the Roman Catholic portion of Her Masesty’s subjects, by the intelligence that out of upwards of thirty Protestants of the south of Spain, who, many months ago, were committed to prison for the mere exercise of their religion, some.of those most noted have been brought to trial and condemned to seven years of the galleys. The chief offence committed by Matamoros and his co ions is said to have consisted in reading a translation of the Bible. “The law of Spain punishes this offence with seven years of penal servitude. But who set the law in motion? It is whispered that the prosecutors, or the instigators to the prosecution, of these men are actually the Spanish priesthood; and there are in this country some people of understanding and education who quite believe the Catholic clergy of Spain capable of such gross intolerance ! It is felt by the Roman Catholic body, that if the charge of such abominable persecution as that above stated could be sustained against their Church in Spain, it would justify British Protestants in believing that CanprvaL Wiseman and his ecclesiastical subordinates would do precisely the same thing here, if they only got the upper hand ; a sup- position likely to deprive those estimable divines of any concession or advantage they may expect to derive from the progress of the principles of religious liberty. e Roman Catholics are, therefore, most anxious to disavow the bigots and fanatics, whoever they may be, that have caused the imprisonment and condemnation of the Spanish Protestants; and we are in a position to state that they are going, to hold an indig- nation meeting, in order to’get up a petition to the Porr to command the Queen or Span to set them at liberty. In the Sister Island the excitement which this Spanish scandal has created omang the faithful is immense. They are all up in arms ; and what has particularly incensed and disgusted them is the consideration that the prime minister of Queen IsaBEtia’s Government is MARSHAL O’Donnett. They are unanimous in intending to invoke him by the bones of his ancestors to insist on the immediate liberation of the pri- soners condemned to the galleys for the crime of Protestantism, and also forthwith to propose to the Cortes the repeal of all laws affecting freedom of conscience. They feel that, but for making some demon- stration against the bigotry which has been practised in an eminently Catholic country, they would be unable to go on - ing, with quiet minds, the liberty of worship which they possess, much less to ask, with any face, the least further p Bata of justice to Ireland. A requisition to Lorp PALMERSTON, urging him to interfere for the deliverance of the Spanish Protestant galley-slaves, drawn up y the Roman Catholic hierarchy, will lie for signature at every chapel of that denomination both in London and the country, and also at Punch’s Office. The number of signatures attached to these requisitions will correspond exactly to that of the Roman Catholic population—infants excepted. Adults who cannot write will make their mark, and by thus testifying against intolerant brutality, convince the Protestant Asso- ciation that it is not the mark of the Beast. ONLY ONE WORD. Those sad Survivors! Make them Miners too, To work, through life, a gold-mine oped by you. [ADVERTISEMENT. ] MONG the tiniest and prettiest little gifts of the season, we have observed with pleasure an ingenious Charm to be hung at a gentleman’s watch- chain. It consists of Mr. KELLy’s Post Office Directory, elegantly bound in filagree silver. Anything lighter, more graceful, or more useful, we have never seen. Its weight scarcely exceeds two tons, and of its utility it is ——t to speak. So spirituel a little cadeau will be de rigueur at all réuntons at which the ¢lite assemble in the salons of la créme de la créme. Printed by William Bradbury, of Ro. 18, Dyper Woburn Pines, end Printers, at their Office in Lombard London.—Saronpar, February 1, 1862. Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen's Road West, Regent's Park, both in the Parish of St Pancras, in the County of plesonn, treet, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of Loudon, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in the City o | | | STRE -_—-~ on | | | | | | | | | Amc of the with a | addres ported “ He : ! princip! the con present | who we: accc mp. The display nadiers able th

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Fesruary 8, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | Srreer Boy. “ There! if you go stickin’ 0 Bills about, they'll serve you like they ’ve done ’im!” | AWFUL WARNING. | NON POSSUMUS! “Come, Holy Father,” cries a friend, Who’d save the Popedom if he might, “To meet the times a little bend, Reserving your imagined right ; Take the best terms you’ll ever gain.” “We can’t,” replies the Popr’s disdain. “* Non possumus ! Non possumus /” lI “Nay, Houtngss, relent, and spare Your children’s conscience, Kurope’s peace, Resettled in St. Peter’s chair, You then will take another lease, Which Italy would freely grant.” His Hoxrvess repeats, “ We can’t ; Non p us! Non p 3!” (4 a, Le Mim POLLO E “The Romans leave their Prince to choose, Their Pontiff whilst as yet they own. Your spiritual seat you ’ll lose Not, if you yield your temporal throne.” **Can’t do it,” says the poor old gent. ; “No, not at this establishment : Non possumus ! Non possumus ! “*We’ve bound ourselves, by solemn oath, To yield no part of our domain. Our earthly crown and heavenly, both, We must, we will, we shall retain. Propose replacement statu quo. Nought less will we accept; no go! Non possumus ! Non possumus !” * Yet, Hoty Faruer, look a-head, What Pope, excuse my speaking plain, Will have the right, when — are dead, Against the peo ie’s will to reign ? Who will create that Pope a King?” Still Prus harps on his old string, ** Non possumus ! Non possumus !” “Beware, your Houiness, beware! Religion in antagonism With freedom, if you don’t take care, Will plunge all Italy in schism. Be wise!” “We can’t,” insists the Pore, “We wait events, and live in hope: Non possumus ! Non possumus !” DAUNTLESS BRAVERY OF COUNSEL. | Aone the natural qualifications necessary to success at the Bar, one _ of the principal is that of courage. Mr. Cuampers, Q.C., is endowed | with a large share of this forensic requisite, if, in the course of his address to the jay on the WinpuHaM case, the ensuing passage, re- | ported as part of that oration, really occurred :— “ He was quite convinced that the jury, understanding, as they now did, the principles. which were to govern them in their decision, must inevitably come to the conclusion, that it was their duty to guard Mr. WinpHam by'their verdict in his present state of mind from being victimised, and injured, and destroyed, by persons who were ever ready to prey upon weakness, especially when that weakness was accompanied by wealth or moderate means.” The courage which GENERAL Winpuaw has had the credit of having displayed at the Redan, nay, that which the boldest of British gre- nadiers undoubtedly did display at Alma and Inkermann, is less remark- able than that instanced by GENERAL WixpHAwm’s counsel in the above remark—if he made it. Nzxzson on the quarter-deck of the Victory with his decorations on his breast, the Duke or WELLINGTON at W aterloo,\“ a walkin’ about amongst the red-hot cannon-balls,” regard- ess of circumstances, as the showman says, are nothing in comparison to Mr. Cuampers at the Sessions House, Westminster, before MasTER Sam. Warren. When the fact is considered that, at the time when the foregoing words were uttered the lawyers concerned in the Wind- ham Lunacy Commission had y nearly eaten up Mr. WINDHAM’s estate, and devoured a vast deal more of his property than any of the riotous living, the courage which could enable one of the chief of those lawyers, and of those particular lawyers, moreover, by whose agency the roceedings were instituted, to allude to people by whom his client’s nephew was in danger of being “victimised, injured, and destroyed,” appears immense. Talk no more of ALEXANDER, or PERICLES, or | | CHAMBERS. ! important cases somebody should attend to represent the feeling of the Conon, or LysanpeR, or Axcrprapes. Of all the gallant heroes, whether of antiquity or modern times, there ’s no one to ‘compare with | were a certain | vided always that Mr. Cuampers really did ask the jury to protect | Mr. WrxpHam, by declaring him a lunatic, from persons who were | likely to victimise, injure, and destroy him. There ought to be a Cross 'of an Order of Forensic Valour instituted to reward the daring of | learned gentlemen who venture to say such things. It is needless to add that such a decoration should be made out of the brightest brass. HOPELESS JUSTICE. Mr. Hussarp is the man for CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, if the plan of taxation which he proposes is as practicable as the prin- ciple whereon he bases it is just. At Buckingham, the other day, he told his audience that,— ‘‘His scheme provided that men should be taxed according to their power of spending.” In these few words lies the answer to the pedantic moral idiots who keep insisting, in the face of common sense, that all incomes ought to be taxed at equal rates. Ability to buy is ability to pay. It is folly to live up to an uncertain income as neatly as prudence would allow if it one. The folly of such expenditure is immense, and just equal in magnitude to the injustice of corresponding taxation. The | measure of the fools on the one hand is that of the rogues on the other. But these are truisms which Mr. HusBarD must not expect to per- | suade gentlemen of independent property to consider. rogues, blackguards, and a er persons with whom he wasted it in| Specially Retained. Dr. Gwyn, according to the reports in the Windham nuisance, seems to have appeared in Court for the sole purpose of laughing at Mr. The Doctor was removed. ‘This was unfair. In all Mr. Cuampers, except the GraccHI complaining of sedition, pro- | public.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ——— [Fesruary 8, 1862. APPENDIX TO DARWIN'S ORIGIN ~~. Daa EVERAL scientific observ se of late years, have no’ the fact, that the physiogno- my of the American of the United States is i to exhibit a resemblanee to that of the Red Indian. The barbarous act of sinking a stone-fleet at the entrance of Charleston Harbour, and the ferocity with which the permanent rain of that port and city was anticipated by the No nm Press, indi an internal and moral change correspo! to that of the exterior. Vindictive war is =) as characteristic as lankiness = of features, or a sallow com- = plexion. It may be that = when Lorp Macavutay’s - New Zealander, after havin visited London Bridge, she extend his peregrination to | New York, he will find the} site of that once populous | city to have reverted to} | battle, and torture their prisoners at the stake, OF SPECIES. | Such is the level of humanity to which the people who have out civilisation by a crime against the commerce of the world are too evidently escending. Their posterity when about to go forth to battle will put on their war-paint, and even now, perhaps, the Government of Mr. Lincoty might supply a powerful stimulus to valour, by issuing some pots of that ornamental material to the Federal army. A LUNATIC PROCEEDING. GENTLEMEN of the long robe, Pameh will put eate a case. Supposing it be questioned (by an interested relative) if A. B. be mentally fit to manage his | ; then, is the propercourse | ° be _~ at fra pm 3 is it not to take ai is pro f sO sure a way to do| this as a i the costs whereof are s0| enormous that So ppety is certain to be swal. | lowed up by them This is the course preseribed by the Wisdon | of the Law, and no one but a lunatic would ever | doubt its efficacy. | habitants living ‘in | coloured faees tattooed. huntin i wearing top-knots and mocassins, and y bt The representatives of the present Yankees will then perhaps | By 3. | ANIMAL SPIRITS. Ows of the distinguishing traits of animal | be armed with tomahawks, rush to the fight with a war-whoop, scalp their enemies slain im | spirits must be, we famey, a horse laugh. “ADDICTUS JURARE.” THE Friend of India is a party whose friendship has been so credit- ably manifested, in other words, the paper is so much more respectable | than a good many of the Indian journal, that Mr. Punch quotes from | it without the hesitation which would arise in his mind, were he asked to remark upon one of those paragraphs, reeking with slang and bitter beer, in which fast officers and Sg civilians abuse one another and their betters in the columns of the Indian Press. d The following statement, which Mr. Punch can only describe as Truly Awful, ome in the Friend of India, and has been copied into | English journals, Alluding to a row which is said to have occurred between H.R.H. the Duxe or Campripeg and Lorp Wii114M Pavtert (son of the last Manquis or WixcuesteR) at Portsmouth, the writer says that the Duke, who went down to inspect the division comprising the garrison, which is commanded by Lonp Wit11amM,— “Found fault with the regiments and maneuvres, and ‘ pitched into’ all con- cerned, not excepting the commanding officers, with a free use of certain expletives h gentl o not indulge in towards each other in the ordinary intercourse of society, although occasionally perhaps a groom or valet may come in for a share of such imprecations on their visual organs.” Well, supposing this to be so, great men lived before AGAMEMNON, and great men swore ‘before—that is to say, previously to the swearing by —the Duxz or Campriper. “Our army swore terribly in Flanders,” and up to the Duxe or WELLINGTON’s time, inclusive, the practice was not discontinued. Of course, we know that, now, the tone of feeling in the Army is such that the most fiery young ensign would blush like a young lady were he overheard to make, under the strongest excite- ment, the faintest reference to the personage who, according to Mx. J. Mitton, offered that remarkably neat Address tothe Sun, But H.R.H. belongs to the Old School, and is a Pree-Minié-ite,and soon. It seems however, that Lory Wiii1am Pauter did not make allowance for the Duke’s historical position, turned sulky, and when the Commander-in- Chief went to Lonp Wuixtam’s house at might, everybody was there except the host. He, being sent for, remitted “his compliments, and eould not eome.” How far, under any ocation, a nobleman is right in absenting himself from his house when an invited guest attends (let the provocation to absence be what it may), is a question for the author of the Handbook of Etiquette. However, negotiations and re- presentations were made, and the Duke behaved like a man and a prince. Says the writer,— 2 ‘On the part of H.R. H. the fullest and most satisfactory apology was offered, and for the evening things passed off. Next day,the principal officers were assembled and addressed by the Duke, who said he wished to retract anything he might have pelaty anid before them respecting Lorp WiLL1am, who he thought deserved the best t for the condition in which he had his division, and he added that they would see his real opinion in a General Order he was about to issue. According! an order was published, signed by Sir Ricuarp Arey, the Quartermaster- . in itself an unusual proceeding. In this the Commander-in-Chief highly compli- } mented Lorp WrLLiAm PavLet, and alll concerned, on the ‘ marked’ efficiency and | thoroughly satisfactory state of the garrison, and said that it reflected the greatest possible credit on them.” he : F , Now Mr. Punch has very little to say all this, and that little shall not be long. He was always to his friend Gzorce, and likes him very much for having been prompt to make atonement to a gentleman’s feelings. It was done, if the statements in this article be | accurate, in a handsome and chivalrous manner. But— Which view of the case was the right one, that which elicited from | a keen and accomplished soldier a torrent of angry rebuke, or that on | which the General Order was based? _ rae ; ; If the latter, of course, the Duke did quite right in retracting the rebuke, and praising up the Portsmouth Garrison. But if the former, it does look as if the exceeding good-nature of the Duke, and his desire to heal his subordinate’s broken head, induced him to put on the plaster at the expense of the interests of H.R.H.’s Cousin’s Army. The writer in the Friend says— ** I do not ‘ answer for the correctness of the details,’ but of the main fact I have very little doubt. It is not the first time that this impetuosity of the Duxe or | Campripce and his habit of swearing at officers has brought him into the undig- nified position of having to eat his own words. It is a fact of which I am personally cognisant, that Sir Joun PeyneratTHer tendered his resignation of the Aldershot command on more than one occasion, because of the language used to him by the Duke, and that the resignation was only withdrawn on an apology being made. | It is also said that on one occasion some officer fought his Royal Highness with bis | own weapons, and returned his oaths with compound interest.” | Well, Mr. Punch appends this last ‘paragraph because he would much | prefer to believe that a gallant and hasty Prince is in the habit of; giving his tongue the rein in an old-fashioned and undesirable manner, than that the Commander-in-Chief of the British Army would look | over important faults for the sake of making things pleasant. Swearing | is very wrong, very vulgar, and very nonsensical; but it is not so objectionable as over-looking errors which we are bound in duty to; correet. On the whole, therefore, My. Punch, who does not forget that the Duxe or Campripes shared the dangers of the Crimea, and | has sinee done his work in the best way be could, according to his| lights, thinks that Gzorex had better on him at No. 85, talked to alittle. But if he is busy, he may just take this hint. Let] him be as vigilant, exacting, _ resolved as becomes the British | C. in C., but instead of expressing in modern English any indignation | he may feel, let H.R.H. take a leaf out of Rabelais, When the excellent Panurge was m a frantic yoonten, but had reasons for not} giving it vent, he called a page unto him, and said, “My pretty little boy, take my cap and spectacles (ha @ care you do not break | them), go down into the court below, swear for me for half at} hour. I will do the same for thee another time.” Let our frien(] G. P. call a red-faced aide-de-camp, give him his cocked-hat and feathers, | and bid him go to the nearest barrack, and blaze away until further] notice. So shall the dignity of the Duke and the interests of the Army | be equally and happily preserved.

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writer | I have Fesrvary 8, 1862.) PUNCH, OR 'THE LONDON CHARTVARI. 53 OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. Y pear Puncy,— Now that America possesses rT what in fine writing is called a ‘ theatre of war’ (if that can rightly be termed ‘ war’ which con- sists in standing still and staring at each other across a bit of river, at the cost of something over two million pounds per day), it would seem that in America the busi- ness at the other theatres is also at a stand-still; at least if one may guess so from the num erformers who have lately left the States, and now are acting on our Stage. Of Mrs. RS. Sormzrn, Mx. Boorn, I have already spoken as recently arriving; an seore of others I might easily have named, had do. Among them Miss Jang i y for the reason that the news- have given her such faint praise : see her in the Love Chace, for I mind’s eye to give a quite unbiassed look her in the Honeymoon I can well : ‘ have given full force to such a character as Constance, that ‘ ebullient heroine,’ as 1 find one critic calls her. But Miss Coomss is very clearly am aetress of much promise, is promise one may hope ere no far distant date to see her realise in performance. She has a pleasant face and person, and a full rich voice, w without mouthing, or ruining it by rant. Besides, she has a far t than is at all common ys at present on our $: delicacy of gesture and graceful ease of movement whieh, if are not readily acquired. It may indeed be urged that she acts somewhat too tamely, and barely gives a passion vent; but this is a less fault than that of over-acting, and one that it is generally more easy to correct. The Honeymoon requires a lady, oo a savage one; and I thought her scenes of savagery were very fairly: done. was and wilful, without being quite so blusterous as the Countess is too often; and the quiet ten- derness with which she paid her husband’s first praise with a kiss was womanlike in its impulsiveness, and touching in its contrast to her previous wilder mood. “ Miss Coomss’s place is now supplied by Mr. SorneRn, whose quaintly funny Lord Dundreary is as humorous a novelty as one would wish to see. Whether Mr. SorHeRN can play other parts than those of stupid-witted stuttering dandies, it remains yet to be seen; but he at least deserves our thanks for having shown us anew specimen of the genus Swell, quite different from any we have yet seen on the Stage. Another curious character,! imported likewise from the States, is the genu-ine Yankee Gal that Mrs. Fiuorence was, I fancy, the first to introduce to us. She and her husband have been playing where Othello not long since apos- trophised his looking-glass, and feared to make the chaste stars blush for his complexion. To the lovely Willow Song, profaned, as purists think, by being sung as a street-chorus, haye succeeded ‘ ing draeound’ and ‘My Maiary Aieann ;’ melodies which clearly must have something more in them than cynics seem to think, or an enlightened British public would surely not have been so smitten with them when they first came out, nor be still content to listen whenever they are sung. It is scarce too much to say, that Mrs. FiorEnce sings these gems as no one else can sing them, for she can popes at least six octaves higher than most vocalists, and the sharp shril) notes she utters are quite enough to save her songs from g flat. . “T suppose her Yankee Gal is no likelier to be met with in American society than is the Jrish Boy presented by her husband ; who in that vilely stupid, trashy piece, the Irish Emigrant, failed to draw a laugh so well as Mr. Drew. But the character is one of those eccentric whimsicalities, which by way of novelty may now and then be tolerated, and need not be much criticised so long as they amuse. What such couples might do had they good pieces to work upon, is a problem that remains for fw to solve. The rule at present seems to be, that any sort of rubbish will serve them.as a groundwork : and I never have wikteneed an exception to this rule. Certainly, whatever be the failing of Miss Coomss, no one can accuse her countrywoman, when acting as the Yankee Gal, of ‘ apathetic histrionism.? Her Tolleries are somewhat cut-and-d ; she acts in raal airnest, and the force .of her vis comica would pull through a worse piece than the one she has {playing in, if _it be conceivable there could be a worse piece. Her humour is as broad as a fashionable petticoat, but (to carry out the simile) though one ma: not much admire it, at least it seryes to make one laugh. The silliest of sm = somehow aa to win a smile, Mong — in = ge saeel voice ; ai e quaint, queer gestures, and 0 s by way 0! curtsey, wherewith the Yonkeo ousebesper aecompanies her talk, are enough to make @ critic even break into a grin. The house was most hilarious the evening T attended, and as laughing is mfectious, I felt compelled to join in it. But even had I been in the most vinegarish of moods, I think I must have smiled to hear those wondrous little squeaks which Mrs. FLorence now | and then so drolly introduces; and which would almost | make one fancy that she had been taking lessons from the | tiniest of kittens, and that the squeakiest of guinea-pigs had long formed her daily food. “ Of the pantomime at this house I have scarce room now to speak ; except to say Miss Harris is a lively young Dick Whittington, and Master HasLeM a most active an intelligent Zom Cat. His feats on the ¢rapéze are such as, I suppose, no cat has ever yet attempted, even on the tiles ; and the dearest old maid’s tabby has never yet displaye more affection for its mistress, than the feeling for his master this extremely faithful creature in his feline way displays. “ Onze wHo Pays.” THE “TUSCARORA.” (4ir, “ The Arethusa.”) Come list my song, you sailors beld, Beneath both Stars and Stripes enrolled —The original Stars and Stripes whose fold Flies aboard o’ the Tuscarora ; And the younger flag at the Mashoille’s peak, In Southampton Doek for this many a week. With fewer stars and scantier bars— Both Capram Pracrim’s gallant tars, And those with Craven, brave as Mars, Aboard o’ the Tuscarora. ’Gainst unarmed ships both craft are brave, But how in fighting they ’d behave, Is just the point both captains waive-- Of Neshoille and Tuscarora ; There ’s Peacrim, like a ’eute old fox, Still berthed in snug Southampton Deeks, Not a step he ’ll budge from the safe dock-shadge, For he’s up to CRavEn’s cruising fedse, And he knows that they owe him a tidy grudge, Aboard o° the Tuscarora, There ’s CrRavEN swears he don’t care a straw For Old World international law, And British rights are called “ slack-jaw,” Aboard o’ the Z'uscarora ; ** His signal-men he’ll send ashore ; He ’Il cruise the Solent o’er and o’er ”— But the Dauntless so free, she says, says she, “‘ Here’s Caprarn Leopotp Hears, C.B., That sort o’ thing won’t stand—not he— Not e’en from the Tuscarora,” Give England a wide enough berth, we say, And yard-arm to yard-arm you’re free to lay, And hammer and tongs you may pound away, Both Nashville and Tuscarora ; We don’t see any great call to brag Of the deeds done under either flag— The Nashville may search the Harvey Birch, Or CRAVEN may Peacro’s laurels smirch, And the Nashville go down with a roll and a lureh, To the guns of the Zuscarora. 1 But one thing we don’t mean to stand Within short hail of land’s strand, That ’s a brother’s blood on a brother’s hand, In Nashville or Tuscarora ; Whichever craft the fight begin, No honour in such a strife she ‘ll win ; And Pgacrim will rue, and Craven, too, (If, as I think, they ’re good men and true) The first broadside of the Nashville’s two, Or the ten of the Tuscarora. Delusive Puffery. Oxp boys are beginning to complain that jam-puffs are not what they used to be. The puffs of the present day are almost all paste and hardly any jam. There exists a | correspondence of tastes and fashions. As the paste is to the jain of a puff, so is the muslin to the person of a fashion- able lady. A raspberry jam-puff is a sham and an illusion. It is hardly too bad to say, such is woman! 4

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Fesruary 8, 1862

ce Ne eS a: THE ARSEN THE NEW Dance or DeatH. (DEDICATED TO RS UY V j af as mas — MH ny (yin f wl ‘2

IC WALTZ. THE GREEN WREATH AND Dress-MONGERS.)

“ PULLING UP IN TIME.” THERE was a little man, And he had a little gun, And he spent too much on oe and on lead, lead, lead : And the constable so far Outran for ships of war, And soldiers, that quite dry his purse he bled, bled, bled. Then his neighbours all began To abuse this little man, For a nuisance and a mischief and a pest, pest, pest ; And his tenants they all swore ‘They would stand the screw no more, And “ LZ’ Empire c’est la paye” was aught but jest, jest, jest. Till at last this little man, Not a bit too soon, began His in-comings and out-goings to o’erhaul, haul, haul ; And this truth he did perceive, , ‘Those who spend ere they receive, Will wind up with no revenue at all, all, all. Then he summoned Monsieur Fovutp, An Israelite well schooled In Debtor and in Creditor accounts, ’counts, counts ; And he said, “ Pray let me know _, Exactly what I owe; I’m afraid to something heavyish it amounts, ’mounts, ’mounts ? ” Monsieur Fovtp went through his books, With extremely serious looks, And a long face at the balance-sheet did pull, pull, pull ; * Forty millions, Sir,” said he, “ As far as I can see, Is the sum to your discredit, stated full, full, full.

“There ’s the funded debt beside, But o’er ¢hat a man can tide, (As witness Mr. But, across the way, way, way) ; But you really ought to get Rid of all this floating debt, And pull up, if you ever mean to pay, pay, pay.” ** Oh, dear, it costs a wrench, One’s expenses to retrench !” The little man exclaimed with a tear, tear, tear : ** But if I must, I must ; So I’ll e’en down with the dust, Which in Europe I’ve kicked up this many a year, year, year. *T°ll give up my drums and noise, And my military toys, I’ll do with fewer soldiers, ships and guns, guns, guns ; And I’ll lay a nice new tax On my loving subjects’ backs, And ’twixt two screws, up and down, pay off my duns, duns, duns. ** Wars and war-intrigues I ’ll cease, Take to trade and arts of Peace, Be a moral, mild and quiet little man, man, man ; Till even Mr. Butt, Gives me confidence, as full As before “ Le Vol de? Aigle”’ first began, ’gan, ’gan.”

Latest from Washington. BY OUR CLAIRVOYANT CORRESPONDENT. Notice of Motion, April the First —In the House of Representatives Mr. Lovesaw, otherwise Lovesoy, the honourable representative © Rowdydom, to move :—That Great Britain be blotted out of the map of Europe, and that the respected Editor of the New York Herald be forthwith commissioned to supply the ink.

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ee pias

Pesruary 8, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE OPENING OF THE INTERNATIONAL EXHIBITION.

From the “ Times,” Friday, May 2, 1862. ing of the rather Hibernian. Yesterday was appointed for the oj of the International Exhibition, and the magnificent show. was y in all its gorgeousness. But as there cannot be a dinner without guests, there can hardly be a show without visitors. The officials had all arrived ounalalk, and by dint of ~_ and an of the way in Tue above early breakfast (whose ess was, we ho , an omen which refreshments served e away the hours until the doors were set open. they calmly awaited ~ aes. pated rush, But no rash tod took, place. ‘Nobody came in. was app! that some asinine policemen must have cxertod th their usual intelligence, and 0} evi — the outer barriers, and after a pause, secretaries rushed out to behold. But all was open, | including the mouths of the astonished officials themselves. Not a| visitor arrived. Almanacs were hastily consulted, lest by some wild | mischance the wrong day had been fixed on. No, the day was allright. After a time scouts were sent out, and presently a dismal rumoi travelling with the accustomed s bad_news, revealed the o emt | mystery. The whole World had fast in Brompton. The expected | j Lock had and the terrific array of yikes, extending from the Narrows to Bow, had fo. and the fix had become imex- tricable. Various s ions were pees in the <— of the na. The military na’ ry, the ila wished to recomm disperse the crowd by reading the yey Act, and the Saturda were for throwing cold water on everything by means of a engines. What will be done we know not. The beautiful day passed, the mght descended, and the World was still stuck in Brompton. We shall see what to-day brings forth. From the “ Telegraph.” “Open, Sesame!” was gles but when the cave was opem Oriental what use, "if the band would not, or not advance? The story was delightfully illustrated eo ong A The International Bx- hibition was ready, but nobody co’ t into it. The army of visitors was irredeemabl, b ed up in the the defiles of Brompton, and but for supplies, hi at extortionate rates, by the tradesfolk y t suburb, must have perished from want. It was impossible to advance, and a retreat was on ae yom ge Non concessere co- d make no concessions. Sir Mea Danae, == was the Lord of Misrule on the We have and put our foot in it, that is certai though pov in the Exhibition. Lovis Naporzon has ‘been telegraphe he is coming with his Sapewurs, a righteous repronah to the Saps who ought to have provided against such a national disgrace. Meantime, the World is stuck in Brompton. From va “ Morning Advertiser.” que Marijus tribuntur, masculine focus,” as Horace says, uather ae to speak facetiously, had a chance | hich all were attracted at Brompton. There | 20? the key had not been found by a living soul up tar hours, we left the. ae of that oe aaanaine ms the schools) “ite Bune, hg ome should have peers to oe oniy the oa aoretades tandem or any other ve vates a The pare 4 : a a k of XXX if you cannot tap it? The whole n, HH | a d F is a splendid success, but what is ait From the“ Morning Star.” as much! The demon Mars has achieved another of obec os prom The he ann amen stands a frowning Now, soo he the haughty aristocrats io aopted the dein of «i Captain in the Engineers instead of taking the 1 furnished by a Sunday-school teacher of ates may have es lush at the result schemes. World is stuck in ipton! There is as dead the Seok GAaireana, uehydn stetan lions, rampant eag’ an es quarterings are scratched and pounded yh confusion. h sympathy for the exhibitors, es —_ of course, for Semetien, whose wares far exceed in all those of the — but we cannot feel for the titled ( Obstructives, who what Obstruction canine. The remedy would be easy ‘to all minions of a mock civilisation. Let them all get out . The roads are muddy, doubtless—then they are still more the muddy-headed noble who ever seek the dirtiest paths. political lesson is read in the fastnesses of Brompton. FL B » B FE 4 the an 28 3 5 i ii F [ z 5 =e i i From the “ Literary Gazette.” Disgraceful! C’est la plus mauvaise rag 8 dul dn, that Tharsday, that miserable Yendredi. The Exhibition, International as as it is affec- tedly called, but intone as we humbly take leave to’ ilieuhe it, is not, we are informed, highly pre-eminent, but as the promoters did not think fit to send us thee vertisements and free admissions, we do not speak proprio manu, though such a trumpery consideration would not have deviated us into ungenerous criticism. But we — do be- lieve that there is nothing in the a. worth That, however, is matter of opinion, and maguus est veritas, ds of e wished to see for Gusenaiven ala poe me ot ioslenes was never But le homme —the pro’ sir.

propose fusty. We ourselves resolved to do aan | owe py in which we inserted oursel: all ms acre it | drove towards the site. Sight, + ad say? Ey gegen yt Sow evra man } ‘From the “ Saturday Review.” Cxors was a man of the world, as well as a King, and if Tumasy” | BuLUS Haticarnassus may be believed, (and in NicgPHorvus jand Ma. Grore, we have a li faith in the icheist,) he vited all his to the penguniion of Mon puna. Paw Ce Ty making He gave them a great show, — were liberally distributed by a Association. Probably, too, he had veligi to believe that in this case, “the composition im better vernacular than anything with afflicted from the coll of the BisHor oF ever, we may venture to state, with , that Kiuxe Cueoprs did not do. He did his le See cot afentad wmode the Maine ‘and then eS ee ee threshold = Por One thought, from would have the still calm on Thursday, that Medusa’s Head had been at t was painf y clear no head at all had beem used im the blundering business. é

A POLITE NOTE TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE CORPS LEGISLATIF. Mr. Jonny Bout presents his compliments to Count Morwy. -_ begs the Count to correct a statement made by him the mgt & a sitting of the Corps Législatif. Mr. ey is informed b, Revter’s telegram that Count Moryy, in his o many o that occasion, was Jone to say :—“In the bic oa does not which is not distressed exist a single vernment, nor a single by a by a grave crisis.” Mr. Jonn Buus, as t be a of the English begs distinctly to protest that he he nothing e or serious the matter with him, certainly no fever, or any rder in which a crisis can occur, and also that the Government of Lornp Patmurston is by no means ina critical condition. Mr. Buus is thankful to say that he is as well upon the whole as a gentleman of his years, who has lived pretty freely, can expect to be, an nothing much to complain of beyond the burdens natural to ‘his time of life, except a little ob-. struction in the cotton-works which he is troubled with just now, but of which he looks confidently forward to the ultimate if not s removal. Mr. Jonn Buut hopes, therefore, that Count Morny w. take an opportunity of qualifying the generally correct statement, that orey Government and every people in the whole world is‘distressed by a grave crisis, with the requisite exception. Me. Buu prays the i ag Morny to accept the assurance of his “distinguished consider- ation.

Yankee Classics. Mr. Lovesoy, the Hater of England, the Hamilear who swears all his little Hannibals to the work of des that airtarnation old aristocratic Iniquity, has read in a sch he has evidently pri from one of the Hamnibals, (probably his Viren erib, ,) something Hueas. Lovesoy states that a reference to the Trent affair erm him of Mneas’s celebrated Infandum, Regina, He is more like Mineas than he knows, for what that 2 party was thinking of was -his ultra- precipitate retreat (leaving Baggage) ) from _ feat uncom- monly like the movement at Bull’s Run—yes, Sir

Pe, - Law’s Next Movz.—(i¢ is hoped.)\—From the Wixpnam to e RM.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruary 8, 1862.

THE PLAGUE OF EDUCATION. Some things there are that should be done, _But shouldn’t be debated, Since neither interest nor fun They yield when ventilated. Of these there ’s one, the subject, now, Of endless dissertation, And controversy, bow-wow-wow ! And that is Education. Minutes of Council, training schools, State grants, and pupil-teachers, New regulations, other rules Discussed by tiresome creatures ; Oh, prose, dull, weary, dreary, dry, Beyond all toleration ! Oh, bosh that’s talked and written by Slow Sticks on Education !

Dense blue-books of enormous size, Commissions and inspections, Reports, and questions, and replies, Proposals and objections ; One day an idle meeting, next, A maundering deputation, Whereby the Minister is vexed, And plagued with Education. Then evermore to make ado Sectarians take occasion ; For children’s minds they must imbue With this or that persuasion. No school for us without a creed, Cries each denomination ; So bigotry and cant impede The work of Education. What fuss! Can’t little boys be taught, And little girls, without it ? = We ought to do the work, and ought = To say no more about it. MISTAKEN IDENTITY. Forbear, ye leaden Pumps, to pour Cascades of declamation, TERRIFIED Srinster. “ Oh, Mr. Policeman, I do believe here is one of those Ruffianly | Oh, spare us that eternal bore, Libertines about to speak to me.” \ The theme of Education !

| his profession, but because it is, I think, ill-founded and untenable as. A LAST WORD ON THE WINDHAM CASE. a cer of law. If Mu. Cuawarns really thought what he hastily | alleged, why did he not adduce the seven attorneys as his witnesses, “Dear Mr. Puncu, _—. y . |if the fact of their employment was a ‘proof of Mr. WinpHam’s “In common, I imagine, with the rest of my profession, | weakness of mind’? But no, of course he spolp in haste, and I doubt have taken a great interest in this delightful trial, and have especially | not has since felt ashamed of what he said. I been on the jury been pleased to = jane A od 8 have es eye to 7 It as | - pack eee had been brought, . pene —e = quite con- | EXpeNnSive as POssiDLy CO! . ithe way in which a score of witnesses | clusive of Mr. WinpHAM’s sanity, and a proof of more than common. have oy beta S give - ——- — uo woul nave > gathers then, cheque, 9 rs sound good sense, and high} -cultured ve, has appeare me a triumph of professional abuity ; and i »| faculties of judgment and of ‘mind. me young men delight in | the utter recklessness of cost which has on both sides marked the | brough and some in breeding race-horses; but to spend one’s | conduct of the case, has afforded me the greatest, satisfaction and | ee free anes lot of tawens ib surely a more cueiintnd roper | delight. In fact, the whole proceedings have been, with one exception, | way of getting rid of it. Indulgence in the costly luxury of law is | a Pe faph of hag md nae So ei ame “ ae = & — pan hig more rational than +. % —- om and - by while the case has been continue ave almost daily an extra | or: travagance g to the dogs. man who spends his | relish for my breakfast in reading how the trial has been cleverly pro- ons dete on. es Kane A is a wise Feaiciows, noble benefactor of | nae. Hi tke to un + aes aI | his s pan, one — not yea ow it to any ~ = P | € exception ude to 1s, however, a most painful one, an “Viewed merely as a charity, such a course, it must owned, much regret to say that a lawyer is the cause of it. IfI believe the deserves the highest praise. We poor attorneys have of late been Times reporter, MR. CHAMBERS, in the course of his last speech for the | terribly impoverished, and are almost all of us reduced well nigh to petitioners (which he skilfully contrived to extend over three days), by | starving. What are called ‘ reforms’ have ruined wi hundreds, and a sad accident let fall the remark that— yet the public cruelly abstains from compensation. Many a legal web “ aon, Wumnanem, aiaee he fog < a, = | serving objects for compassion and for charity it were impossible to | an apology demanded on behalf of those maligned. For surely, Sir, a | — vale = povert] mg —— rig td whose ae = barrister who has to thank attorneys for giving him his work, would | 22s. BOD!'Y Delpe bo eed; and While Clteing Sim my grammnde DE never cast a shadow of a shade of ill opinion on them, except by some | aiding my poor brothers, I can only add my most sincere regret t hat | such accident as must have here occurred. It is an ill ied, that fouls | "** not one of th a Had I only been so, I should have been delighted | its own nest; and though Mr. C. be now at the top of the tree, he | to ae 2 Testimonial to ee client, as a mark ~ our | should not throw bad words on those who are beneath him, and who | ape or oot esteem ea , oe ane, a tell sched ne S . ’ the costs, or rather charities, we ha received from him, wit a ee ie OPE employing six or seven of us attorneys is ‘in words “ CBs are Seben, engrossed neatly at its foot. : | itself a proof of weakness of mind,’ that surely is a dictum which no| “1 am, Sir, yours and Mr. WinpHaw’s great admirer, good lawyer would make, not merely because it casts an odium upon “Six anp EIGHTPENCE.”

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— | things, and that your purpose will be answered by the publication of this | Fesrvary 8, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE HUBBARD MYTH. uR friend Harrer eee “Dear Mr. Ponca, destroyer of vermin, has | “Tue Times hans a leader, ‘Mr. acti y= putting himself | Hupparp is great at a Negative.’ This does forward on the American | not mean that the M.P. for Buckingham is a poate, and has been signi- photographer, but refers to the character of his ying to Apams that he, | politics. But he is hardly to be blamed for this Harper, and some other | characteristic. It is hereditary. ‘The distin- people in the Tower Hamlets, | guished lady who founded the house of Hubbard, are very much pleased that or at all events whose history invariably occurs we are not going towar. to us when the name is mentioned, was in the Mr. Apams, who is polite- same line. She is first presented to us in con- ness itself, has returned the nection with a double negative, as every child following answer :-— Pee pen: ot ; gy the whole¢story is a = myth, sym ing ‘the Church Rate qnestion TWELVETREMS ESQ. 'on which her descendant is busied, = ia Se. | havent to a Dog _ Lge — OW. receipt ‘our no of the Tih inst, comamiinicating the hag 3 of Nowe ig Mad me a copy 0 resolutions jin his Cupboard, that is, his intelleetual re- unanimonsy \dopted ata meeting sources, but the Cupboard was Bare, that is, prossing the publie ion on his scheme was futile, and so the poor Dog got rece! pt of the gratifying intelli- none, or rather, the Chureh* Rate qnestio gence that the of awar | Jeft unsettled ‘ aise with the United States had been pe averted. | Owe or THE AuTHORS or Essays anp “I beg in my turn to express to | Reviews.” = * Court of Arches.” you regret that as I am only a’ fied § sal ail etek tae on lo psa pet feel nota | = in putting Government ni al any expense for Washing- q P : Bug-Powders, or any other of your inventions ; but 1 make no doubt that hep ae exeellent | Philidor in Arms. HAKSPRARE, Observ + Me my Getidae, Nees Tike Ches-bomd om ather, the late S — | ‘ ’ . 2 land | onder to enter the Rater Army. Heesay find the “STILL HARPING.” y and, his own tactics already in use there, with a slight — pao - — oa iafecteher, variation. The leaders have been Playing a And then do it again.” dozen different meld — cals ™ “But, under the circumstances, all I can do is to subscribe myself, your obedient oad, «0 Weis te fae oy hea servant, and Black gives check. Of courseQueen cannot “ London, Feb. 1.” “Caries Francis Apams.” | imterpose. ; LESION OF THE LUNGS OF LONDON. MONEY ARTICLE ON AMERICA. AnorHEeR wound, alas! is about to be inflicted on the lungs of} In the Yankee House of Representatives, the other day, Mz. Vat- London. The right lung, as we may call Kensington Gardens, is | LANDINGHAM introduced and carried a resolution requesting the Secretary doomed to be traversed by an incision extending from Bayswater to | of the Treasury to furnish the sum total of the floating debt of the | Kensington Gore. This cut, which is meant to connect those parts, | United States, giving, as far as practicable, the heads under which the | will go deep into the substance of the lung, in order that communi- | said debt may be arranged. The heads under which the United States cation may be established below the surface, thus producing less dis- | debt, whether floating or foundering, may be most correctly arranged, figurement than what would attend a section barely superficial. | are, one would think, loggerheads, which by going to with the South The necessity for opening this artificial channel in one of our most | the North has incurred the necessity of borrowing money. ‘The floating vital regions, is created by the Great Exhibition, which'represents those | debt. of the United States may be said to be represented by promises to paramount material interests whereunto an enlightened taste has | pay in the shaps of banknotes, specie payments having been suspended. decided that in future we must sacrifice every other consideration. As the old song says, “ A guinea will sink, butia note it will float.” The Still trees, buds, blossoms, greensward, have their charms, inferior | creditor of the United States might add, with a slight variation of the as these may be considered to the pes of furniture, and other manu- | next line, “So I’d rather have a dollar than a one pound note,” or a factures of a rich and magnificent Trees, moreover, and other | note for the equivalent of a pound in dollars. The United States debt natural objects, serve purposes of some utility, as well as the various | is a floating debt, but the money which they borrowed is all sunk, to no , articles of luxury and convenience which are made out of them. They better purpose than the vessels in Charleston Harbour. There is, how- | have certain =e uses which minister to mental wants; turf|ever, some ground for the assertion that, since the Government of spangled with daisies and buttercups, for instance, and shrubs in bloom, | Washington has been reduced to fly kites, the debt of the United States | will shed on the soul of any one who has such a thing, an influence | is not a floating debt but a flying debt; but this is a question which we | which is not exactly the same as that exhaled by a Kidderminster | must leave for determination ‘to the wit and wisdom of the Stock Ex- carpet, or by a wreath of artificial roses, albeit inside a bonnet, or even | change, where it will doubtless be generally remarked that the suspen- , by any but the very rarest of faces inside of the wreath. |sion of cash payments in the United States is a dolorous business | j | | ! These things considered, it seems very desirable that, as soon as the | particularly for those whom it will dish out of their dollars, and above approaching Great Exhibition is over, the opening which will have been | all, for the Government which, having no more dollars, must come to | made through oe ap Gardens should closed immediately, and grief. At the same institution, probably, the hope will, however, be ible healed with all possible despatch. expressed that, whatever heads the floating debt of the United States Bayswater, however, wants a short cut to Kensington, and Kensing- | may have to be arranged under, the debtors, now themselves floating ton to Bayswater. But the cut need not be made through either of | upon a sea of troubles, may, notwithstanding the ill-will which they the intermediate lungs of London. It might go beneath them so as to | have shown to this country, be enabled, after all, to keep their own heads avoid the lungs. A tunnel would answer the purposes of unsightly | above water. ore and suit the convenience of persons oe have any prospect, € 5 _ wes ae Paes. Property, destroyed, rather than consent to go a| Tac Deukte wank Winpuam is sane; but England must be cracked FAVOURITE AMERICAN DISH. To bear such process as hath fixed the fact. . Hinges ‘ Signed Pouncn, Wuxss, in pickle from the English rod. ( ) Grand Inquisitor. THe Mopern Tzacner or GeocRarHy.—War. _“Our American Cozen.”—Repudiation. ‘

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesrvary 8, 1862, ii} Hh i MBBS SAAD POEM BY VICTOR HUGO. which he seeks the pardon of nine assassins recently condemned to death in the province of Hainault.”—French Paper. **Mr. Puncu has been favoured with a copy of the poem, and subjoins a close | translation.”—Mr. Punch. QO! King, though I love not kings, I call thee so, And bid thee, in a carter’s language, “ Wo!” Are they not Nine 0 pine In those uncomfortable cells of thine ? O, think, Upon the brink Of Helicon, where flowers bend o’er to drink, Fair Virgins sit, and hand in hand explore All that of music, science, song, or lore The Ages give as dower To yonder mountain bower, Virgins, with eyes that never dull or wink. Ln ae of Memory, in Pieria born, With fingers rosy as the morn, And ivory shoulders, gleaming in the ray Of the warm god of day. They smile, __ And the swift-footed Hours beguile, With converse sweet, and laughter fresh and gay ; Till some deep organ tone, _ Some awful forest moan, Stills them to silence. Come, old man, I say / Calliope is there, _ And Clio’s golden hair, And bright Melpomene’s young face so fair, “Victor Huco has just sent a piece of poetry to the Kinc oF THE Becrans, in hi ~ SO SSS h = SS Ss ~ ~~ SS — ~ Granppapa. ‘* J’m afraid, Johnny, we shall not be able to get to the Bazaar to-day, while it rains thus.” Jounny. ‘‘ Never mind, I'll tell you what ; I’ll toss you and Grandma ‘odd man’ with my Half-Crown /” Euterpe, graceful, bends Beside her radiant friends Erato ample, and Thalia spare, And Polyhymnia sings, And calm Urania brings The wisdom that informs all heavenly things, While, sipping sweetest chicory, The st aneberned Terpsichore Her dew-gemmed tresses to the wild wind flings. O! LzEoronp, Once young, now rather old, Bid thy grim-vis d executioner hold The hand that seems to beg To pull the peg Of that dark guillotine at which I scold. Nine Murderers lie in yonder prison ce Nine Muses on Beeotia’s mountain dwell. It is a Poet’s Plea Which I address {o thee, O, let them off, accept my simple letter, And reason, for I have not got a better. Extract of a Letter from Paris. THERE is no truth in the rumour that FrancaTe.1, the gastronome, | is to be raised to the dignity of Senator, with the title of Duke oF RaGuse (Ragoitts)—the appointment offered and declined was that of | ! Sous-Préfet (Soupe Refait) ! | | A WOODEN HOMCOPATHIST. A New Medical Man has appeared, a Tree Doctor. | Bark. s J He announces 3 | course of treatment by which he can restore sick trees to health. But, as we understand his process, he prescribes nothing but a course o! | Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, U Woburn Place, Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, im the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the London.--Saruapar, February 8, 1862. and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regeat’s Park, both in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, ity of London, and Published by them at No. 9%, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, im the City of mr... | | unable

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Fesrvary 15, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 61

afl Cc + ey x7 a ¢ . PITIABLE OBJECTS. Mr. Done (to Mr. Dreary). “No! a Don’T KNOW HOW IT IS—BUT THING SOMEHOW! NO EMBAWASSMENTS OR ANY THING 0’ THAT SORT. Ir our. S’pose it’s OvERWORK/” | \ / —

I y t me = < ™ ? / eg Can't MAKE THE BIGGEST OF BUTCHER BOYS. Tue author of a new life of SHaxsrearg, Mr. S. W. Fu1og, thinks there is no truth in the late Lorp Camp- BELL’s supposition that the great dramatist was employed, during his youth, in a lawyer’s office. SHAKSPEARE, according to his latest biographer, was a butcher’s ap- prentice, and learned what he knew of legal forms and technicalities by attending the borough courts of Stratford- on-Avon, and witnessing pave law proceedings in which his father was often involved. But he is far too minute and copious in his law slang to have picked it up in that way; and besides he shows immense knowledge of sea-slang, military slang, and many other slangs. His knowledge of slang, in fact, was only part of his by eyes of things in general, which he either acquired by the study of every- thing, or possessed by intuition, or else SHAKSPEARE “was a medium,” and spirits put universal information into his head. A great objection to this latter theory is the height to which his genius towers above the medi- ork. that marks the utterances of the most eminent mediums.” A hypothesis on which the extent of SHaksrEaRE’s legal knowledge may be as satisfactorily accounted for as it can on any other, consists very well with the surmise, or fact, that he was a butcher-boy. As such he must have been conversant with sheepskins. We have only to sup- pose him endowed with the gift of natural clairvoyance, in order ourselves to see clearly by what means he acquired his familiarity with the law, and its phraseology. The sheepskins presented themselves to his prevision in the state of parchment, and he foresaw all the deeds which were destined to be engrossed on them. The clairvoyance of SHakSPEARE may be supposed to have enabled him to look into all manner of things, besides the sheepskins which he was accustomed to handle, and thus obtain that acquaintance with human actions as well as documentary deeds manifest in his writings. In a state of trance or ecstacy, having his mind’s eye open, and scenes of the past, present, or future revealed before it, how often may Master Witiiam SHAKSPEARE have s beside a street-door in his native town, with a blue frock on, and a wooden tray containing a leg-of-mutton upon his shoulder, abstractedly whistling an old English melody, and shouting “ But-cher / ul ))

AIN'T THE

PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 1862. February 6. Thursday. Parliament re-assembled. The first paragraphs in the Royal Speech (delivered by the CuancELior) and such portion of the debates as referred to them, demand graver record than is usually made in these columns. The opening sentences of the Speech alluded, with but little grace of expression, to the event of the Fourteenth of December last. Leading speakers in the two Houses | offered tributes to the memory of the departed. The Eart or Dersy said— / “Inthe Prince Consort the Queen has lost the familiar friend, the trusted counsellor, the never-failing adviser to whom she could look up in every difficulty | andin every emergency, and to whom she did look up with that proud humility which none but a woman’s heart can know, glorying in the intellectual superiority j of him to whom her own will and her own Solgmens were freely put in subjection.” Eart GRANVILLE said :— . os can remember no one in any class of life who seemed so fully alive to keep before him the highest standard of duty. His intellectual faculties and his powers of conversation were remarkable. But though a man of strong will, conception, and character, he never obtruded his sentiments, nor sought to apply any objection he might entertain unless desired to do so.” Eart Russe said :-— “I happen to know from himself the views which he entertained upon the duty of the aa: He stated to me not many months ago that it was the common opinion that there was only one occasion upon which the Sovereign ought to exer- the a decided power, and that was in the choice of the First Minister of the Crown, t, in his opinion, was no ion upon which the Sovereign ought to exercise a control or to pronounce a decision. One party having resigned power from being tle to carry on the Government, there was at all times another party to whom e transfer of power might judiciously be made, and the transfer having once been made, no matter to what political party the Minister happened to belong, the Sove- ign — bound to communicate with him in the most confidential and unrestricted Mr. Disraznt said :— “ The Prince whom we have lost not onl i ly was eminent for the fulfilment of his duty, but it was the fulfilment of the highest duty ; and it was the fulfilment of

the highest duty under the most difficult circumstances. Yet, under these circum- stances, so difficult and so delicate, he elevated even the Throne by the dignity and purity of his domestic life. He framed, and partly accomplished, a scheme of edu- cation for the heir of England which proves how completely its august protector had contemplated the office of an Engli . He observed that there was a great deficiency in our national character, and which, if neglected, might lead to the im- pairing not only of our social happiness, but even the sources of our public wealth, and that was a deficiency of culture. But he was not satisfied in detecting the deficiency, he resolved to supply it. Those who move must change, and those who change must necessarily disturb and alarm prejudices ; and what he encountered was only a demonstration that he was a man superior to his age. PRINCE ALBERT was not a patron. He was not one of those who, by their smiles and by their gold, reward excell or stimulate exertion. His contributions to the cause of pro- gress and improvement were far more powerful and far more precious. He gave to it his thought, his time, his toil ; he gave to it his life.”

Lorp PALMERSTON said :— “The Right Hon. gentleman, with an eloquence and a feeling which, I am sure, must excite the sympathy and admiration of those who have heard it, dilated on the eminent qualities of his late Royal Highness. It is no ————s to say that, so far asthe word ‘perfect’ can be applied to perfection of character, the Prince deserved the description, b he q' the most eminent, and sometimes the most different, in a degree which was hardly ever equalled by anybody in any condition of life. In domestic life he was most exemplary. It is no exaggeration to say, that the domestic life of the Court has been of the greatest value to the interests of the country, has, in times of difficulty, tended to cement the link which unites the people to the Throne, and has rendered the most impor- tant services to the country. Such being the Prince whom we have lost, we can easily imagine what must be the grief and the sorrow to her who has lost him.” The evening was one of funereal oration rather than of debate—the exceptions are mentioned hereafter. The Addresses were unanimously voted, and the Houses adjourned early. hanne be its

Lorp Westsvry informed us, That we are at peace with all European powers and “trust” to remain in that pacific condition. That we have had a “question” between us and the United States, which has been satisfactorily settled by the restoration of the seized men and the disavowal of the “ act of violence.”

VOL. XLII, H

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. 62 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruary 15, 1862. That the conduct of our North American colonists on this occasion had been admirable. That we have entered into a convention with France and Spain for regulating a combined operation on the coast of Mexico, in order to obtain redress for wrongs upon foreigners in that country. That the Chinese are behaving very well, and do not want so much looking after as heretofore. That we have, by a convention, helped the Suztan or Morocco to pay his debt to Spain, and so avoid more fighting with the Isabellicose Spaniards. That the Estimates, &c. &c. &c. That some Law reforms will be introduced, especially one for re- forming that which the wise call Conveyancing, though SHaksPEaRE mentions a shorter name for it. That, despite local distress from temporary causes, the general con dition of the country is “sound and satisfactory.” Briefer speech was never spoken, and it is only to be hoped—cer. tainly not to be believed—that such brevity will be the characteristic of the speeches which will flavour the next six months with the odour of essence of Parliament. . Loxp ‘Durrer., an Irish lord and a Florentine, moved the Address in the Lords, and it was seconded by Lorp SHersurne, son of the venerable Marquis or Lanspowne. Then came Lorp Dersy, who promised to give the warmest and most brotherly support to the Go- vernment, if they would behave properly themselves, and discourage other people who might be inclined to agitate subjects of controversy, a promise for which the gratitude of certain ultra-reformers may not be inconveniently demonstrative and enthusiastic. He was a some satisfied with what the Government had done in the American business, but begged that there might be no nonsense imputed to him—he re- garded the American submission as having been made in the most grudging and tardy fashion, and simply because the Yankees knew that if they showed fight, they would have been blown out of the water. He did not think the time had yet come for recognising the South, and that Government must be wary, and be | og assured that the South was strong enough to hold its own before they recognised it. He was much pleased with M. TuouveneL, and indeed with Europe generally in connection with this affair. As there was no saying what might be going to happen, he begged the Government to stick to our belligerent rights, and not be drawn into any negotiations which might limit them. As to Mexico and Morocco he made no doubt that all was right, but he should like to have a fight on some of the Education Minutes, if Lorp GRanvittE would say where his money was to be heard of, and when his training would be over. Lorp GRANVILLE in the cheer- fulest manner fixed that mill for the following Thursday, as did Mr. Rosert Lowe in another place. Eart Russe. did not speak very complimentarily of the American blockade, but thought we must con- tinue to try to respect it, as a few months would show whether the North could really re-construct the Union, and it was better that they should tire themselves out than be interfered with. Lornp Kryaspown {a learned, calm old lawyer of the highest class) thought our flag had grossly insulted, and that the reparation been insufficient, and so the evening ended. the Commons Lorp Patmerston was loudly cheered on entering. ' Cox of Finsbury took the place of Tuomas Duncomss, and Mr. NCKTON Miinzs gave notice of renewing the Wife’s Sister Marriage Mr. Portman and Mr. Western Woop moved and seconded the Address, and Mr. Disrazti delivered an elaborate and eloquent oration, upon certain scholarly turns whereof Mr. ch, in the interest of literature, bestows plandit, the rather that such elegancies are little studied in these days of universal spoutation. He did not exactly follow Lonp Dersy’s lead in regard to t rican matter, but thought that the Lincoln Government had been suddenly called to meet great domestic difficulties, and had met them manfully, and that we ought to extend a us. interpretation to what they might say. : here were no immediate means of deciding at what time the inter- necine contest should terminate, but “the instinct of the human heart, which shrinks from unnecessary carnage, was stronger than the law of nations.” This was a felicitous reference to the phrase of the Gushing Judge in America who justified W1LKzEs’s piracy by the instincts of the human heart. The Ex-Cuancettor oF ExcHEQueER wished to know whether our convention with Morocco meaut guaranteeing the interest on her debt, as if so, we might look out for awkwardnesses. Lorp Patmerston declared that strict neutrality was still to be our rule as regarded America, made an uncommonly neatly reference to the future of Mexico, did not think we were in me pereniery danger from the Morocco arrangement, and added that we our own good reasons for keeping Morocco independent. Mr. Haprretp abused the Press for having exacerbated the public mind in regard to America, and wished that the inflammatory papers “could be burned by the Common Hangman,” which declaration shows that the Dissenting body, —_——. so ably pe a ea by the Member for Sheffield, is coming round to the old and wholesome system of repressive government. We do not despair of hearing Mr. Haprretp move for the cutting off somebody’s ears; en attendant, he must be satisfied with cutting off his own aitches, Ireland lost no time, and the Session began with a row, originated by Mr. Macourer, who let fly at Srxk Ropert Peet, upon the subject of Trish distress, and it is needless to say, received a ready one-two from that prompt pugilist. He denied Mr. Macurre’s facts, and also told him that the Irish people were much altered, and had grown too wise to be duped by folks who tried to’ set them against their landlords. Mx. Vincent Scutty—well, we really don’t know what he said, for it was just a quarter to eight, and Mr. Punch went off to the Haymarket, erring to anything of Scunuy’s the wiser utterances of the Lorp DREARY. iday. Lond RepESDALE introduced a Bill for the Protection of | Public dens and Squares. hen Mr. Punch s have seen it, he | will know what it is about, meantime he presumes it originates in the | complaints of the gardeners that the women’s Crinoline cuts the flowers | and shrubs to pieces, Lorp Russet entered into an inaudible expla. | nation of the case of a Canadian subject, Mr. SHepparp, who had been | arrested by Mr. Sewarp, and had been required to take the oath of allegiance to Krve Lincoun. There a to have been reasons for | thinking that this gentle shepherd ha: piping a Southern tune, but [vauprsLe Jony’s own pipe was so feeble that the case can hardly | be said to be before Mr. Punch. Citizen Epwiy James may be interested in knowing that a writ (nay, | don’t let him be nervous, he is quite out of the wa; af such things) was issued for Great Grimsby, as a gentleman whom he recollect, an aristocrat called Lozrp Worsizy, has gone up to the Lords as Ean. | or YarBoroueH. By the way, it is not correct to state that Mr. Epwry expects to be President after Mu. Lincotn. The Constitution | of the States demands a born American for that office. To be sure, the | Constitution may be altered in favour of our distinguished countryman, | and he may be proclaimed as James THe First, and in that event, may also be his own Guy Fawkes. He certainly blew himself out of our Parliament. Mr. Grecory adverted to the so-called American Blockade, and| declared that he should be able to prove that it was little more than a| paper blockade. He announced his intention of inviting the House to sten to his arguments, and of calling on the Government to say whether they considered that blockade effective ornot. Mn. BENTINCK | followed up the matter by observing that unless thie blockade were a| real one, our recognising it was a violation of our declared neutrality, | for we were favouring the North. Mr. Punch considers that there isa sort of silver-paper blockade, made of the material through which omenenns jump at Astley’s. It looks very dense, but a plucky leap takes you clean through it. Mr. Grecory is quite right in demanding attention to the question, but he will beat Grecortus THAUMATURGUS if he performs the miracle of getting a definition out of Pam—just yet. | Mr. Haprretp, who wants the Common Hangman for the journalist, clamours against the use of the rod on the young thief, and proposes a Bill for doing away with whipping. Sm Gerorcr Grey “believes there are instances in which whipping may be advantageously practised.” | Mr. Punch foresees divers occasions, during the Session, of showing! that he is of Sm: Gzoree’s opinion. POOR RICHARD’S MAXIMS. Addressed equally to Federals and Confederates. BY THE SHADE OF BENJAMIN FRANKLIN, War is a most expensive game, as you’ll find when it comes to the shelling out. When men’s passions rise, the funds generally fall. A park of artillery is one that, properly speaking, should have a dead wall round it. Glory is a pees of sugar that owes all its sweetness to having been | refined with blood. It is generally given to stupid children, when they | are noisy and obstreperous, to keep them quiet. : The Field of Glory, the more it is ploughed, the less it Peace, the more it is cultivated, the more it yields. | A shopkeeper is a husbandman of the counter who finds his profit 1) carefully attending to his till-age. What a pity that the dogs of war are ever allowed to go at largt| without having their muzzles on. Whoever lets one of these dogs} loose endangers the lives of hundreds and thousands of his fellov-| creatures. What adeal of madness there would have been saved t0| the world, if they had always been kept strongly chained up at home! | pays—wheress| A Literary Pedigree. Ir was undoubtedly Marta, of the Sentimental Journey, who first had what Mr. Rosson calls a “ Srexnz Parient,”

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=—_—_— PITY THE POOR HEATHEN! HE Paris correspondent of the Star, a paper that takes a very roper interest in the affairs of the Reston world, says,— “ MADAME —, will — = unparalleled magnificence one ye in which she means to concentrate her efforts, as it will be the only one given in the Hotel Fould this season, where there will neither be public réunions nor receptions. This is not very well received by the Parisians. They ascribe it to the lish habits of Mapame Fovuip, who, acco think that the whole en’ - provided for the guests. Whatever epicurean tendencies may be ed at déjeiners and dinners by ap ates over here, they care very little about suppers, and would enjoy more @ brisk conversation in the evening than the jinest viands that the most accomplished cook is capable ef providing.” O brethren, what a melancholy state of things do these little sen- tences convey! The Parisians prefer Jabbering to Jambon a la St. Etienne, veneer ge to céte- lette semi- Provencal, | to Gibier & la Georges Sand! They would sacrifice high art for the sake of ventilating low wit. Alas, alas! And we send missionaries to Timbuctoo! But persevere, dear Sister Founp, and in due time your efforts will be rewarded, and these poor Parisians brought to a knowledge of better things.

“VOLENTI NON FIT INJURIA.” (ceoat Maxim. “Demand for amis-fit can't be recovered, if you like to resist it."—{Free Tranalation.) OR, SIR EDWIN AND THE COATS. “COURT OF EXCHEQUER, Fez. 1. “ (Before Mr. Baron Martin and a Common Jury.) “HALDANE AND ANOTHER V. SIR E. LANDSEER. “The plaintiffs are tailors, carrying on business at 29, Old Bond Street, and sought to recover from the defendant, Str Epwix Lanpseer, the celebrated artist, the sum of £10 18s., the prices ofa surto ut coat and dress coat supplied to him. * * a * “ The coats being in court, Sim Epwin was asked to put them on, which he readily assented to do. - of the jurymen, being a tailor, was requested to go round to the witness- box and examine coats on the defendant’s back. A very short examination wirelis Lends ums ed ying that th bligati trad . summed up, 8a) ere was an obligation upon a es- man charging, as the plain’ appeared to have done, a ta west-end price, to supply a suitable ‘article. The coat ought to be a properly fitting coat, and the q for the j was, under all the circumstances, whether the plaintiffs had fulfilled obligation. They had seen the coats on, and could judge for them- “The jury found a verdict for the defendant.” Say shall a sleeve-board’s scion dare defy Our man of men—our own R.A., Sir Epway ? Shall one, no kin to things that run or fly,— (Save the ignoble goose, that doth his bread win)— Assail the lord of feather and of fur, The king of hoof and horn, of fang and fetlock ? Shall cat (e’en with mine tails) ’gainst lion pur ? Shall shrimper a cock-salmon in his net lock ? No! In the name of J and Dignity ! j Nor scales nor avers ‘or this a Justice draw : urymen, teach sartorial malignity Its hope from Manttn’s Laying down the Law. Sir Epwny being human must wear clothes. Were he dx¢ bird or beast—in fur or feather ! Presto! the pencil flies, the colour flows And lo! a coat defying time and weather, From his own magic hand. Then, what a fit! Then, to what velvet gloss the nap had grown ! Nowhere a crease to show the uneasy sit Fine-drawn all over, yet no botching shown. Alas! He’ll clothe our horses and our ry to ; —— Highne’ for our “ sionencie of e Glen .” wiry hland dread-n e ’ll enwra S, Terriers and callien—bus ip won’t dress —

Not e’en himself, so must to th’ tailor drop : Stand to be measured just like you or me: Hear girth, and length, sae: be out to all the shop : Stoop to the yoke of tape both neck and knee. Methinks when such an artist deigns to give His limbs, dear to the Muses and Apollo, To mere sartorial hands, those hands should live With skill unwonted : suits sublime should follow. Each = set to the job, from ninth of man Should grow nine men, and each man good as nine, In honour of the Muses, bent to scan His clothes, loved of that sisterhood divine. But no such inspiration—woe is me !— Flowed from the Muse on Hatpang or his Co. Str Epwry’s coats were horrible to see, If he could stand in them, he could not go. Beneath the arms they fretted his axille : Behind the neck they chafed his cerebellum, Buttoned,—as in a vice his mamille ; Unbuttoned,—dangled limp as rain-soaked 3 Sire Epway groaned: they laughed his plaints to scorn : The coats returned, they sent them, ditered, back : Worse waxed the fit, each time the coats were worn ; More slack what tight should be, more tight, what slack. Rar mil, the faults he found in fitand eat, <. ae Ses but him that wore : Bade ge his postures, nor their garments To tests coats never were put to before. a What may these be? asks that sings Is’t that Sim in his Pa ms te ;, Goes on all fours, perches, squats, or springs, is powers ? Like the damit thins that take Me'toass Strains he his coat-sleeves, eagle-like for flight 2 oe his vans? cracks his continuations y ounding stag-like down the h height ? Or bursts his buttons in hare’s-breadth saltations ? Or is it age playfulness begets Strange feats and bids him through an empty frame Take headers @ Ja Boucicavtt, or sets The cumbrous easel, and o’ervaults the same? Or is’t such inspiration doth o’erbear His body, as the Pythoness bade speak : To Delphic tripod turns his painting-chair, And plants him in the middle of next week ? These things I know not—ne’er perchance shall know, Wherefore Sir Epwin doth to antics fall ; Or what his antics are when he doth so; Or whether he, in trath, doth so at all. Hatpave avouched it, But my faith is small In him or in his Co.: our fathers’ plan uired two witnesses for proof, and lo, ese two but make up two-ninths of 2 man. And what is the ear’s witness to the eye’s? But here the eye was ready ; for behold, Among the jury that the issue tries, A Tailor in the panel, brisk and bold! - on the coat!” sudden the expert cried— “Pry on the coat!” echoed his brethren all. Stern Manrny bowed approval: on ’twas tried : And stood misfit confessed, here large, here small— “ Who buys a coat,” summed up the awful judge, “ Buyeth a fit, or buys what none may wear. The tailor juryman approving nudge Gave, at the words, to ribs of foreman near. * Ts this a fit ?—for a reply I pause— Be there that think so let them say so now, Or henceforth, ever after, hold their jaws. f Now, speak?” “None!” said the foreman, with a bow. “ Ye find for the defendant?” andagain The foreman bowed, and gleamed the twinkling eye Of that sly tailor-juryman, as fain To prick this rival sartor on the sly. “ Verdict for the defendant—so you say, — And so sag oi of nan and so they said— And Hatpaye and his Co. went their sad way, And home Sir Epwern took his laurelled head !

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for) ~ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR 15, 1862. $$$, — IVARI. [FEBRUARY J MUTT, I] Ao ®, Mh WX, SSSA ~ Sy —— = —=— THE BALL. Harry BuLLFINCHER, WHO IS EVER SO MUCH BETTER ACROSS COUNTRY THAN WHEN HE MIXES IN THE Merry Dance, (ESPECIALLY AFTER SUPPER) HAS COME TO GRIEF OVER A STOOL DURING A POLKA, AND IS SHOUTING FOR SOME ONE TO “ CATCH HIS HoRsE/” COMFORTABLE CONCERTS. Craprinc with both hands and stamping with both feet, Punch applauds with all his might the very sensible suggestion which is put forth in the programmes of the Monday Popular Concerts, and which every concert audience would do wisely to attend to :— “‘ NOTICE.—It is respectfully suggested that such persons as are not desirous of remaining till the end of the performance can leave either before the commencement of the last instrumental piece, or between any two of the movements, so that those who wish to hear the whole may do so without interruption.” Punch so often has been plagued at a musical performance by people entering, or leaving, in the middle of a piece, that he is charmed to see this notice taken of the nuisance, and he trusts ere long to find the rule most rigidly enforced. ‘There really is a call for legislation in the matter, if the law be insufficient to protect the British public from offenders of this sort. A creaky-booted brute who stumps out of a concert-room while music is gan robs those whom he disturbs of a pleasure they have paid for, and should by rights be handed, as a thief, to the police. Such a Gorilla is a monster whom it were gross flattery to call a selfish beast ; and Punch cries bravo! to all champions who fight against these monsters, and lend a helping hand to make their race extinct. In other points the programmes of the Monday Popular Concerts are models that all concert-givers would do well to profit by, and fairly are entitled to the praise of Punch. The music is well chosen, well varied, well performed ; and there is no time wasted (as the case is far too commonly) by pieces merely introduced to Jengthen out the Con- cert, and attract those who like quantity in the lieu of quality, being of the latter barely competent to judge. Two hours and a half is the limit which is rigidly adhered to at these Concerts, and a feast of this duration is as much as minds in general are able to digest. Better send away an audience somewhat hungering for more, than stuffed with such a surfeit as may end in sheer disgus is no fear of this consequence at any of these Concerts, for the pro gramme is too short for people to be wearied, and the pieces are so briskly and so cleverly performed that no one ever feels the least somniferous effect. The night Punch last attended he saw scores among the audience sitting with the scores of the music in their hands, and following the leader all through the performance in a way whicli showed them thoroughly awake to all the beauties of the pieces that were played. ~In fact, regarded merely as a means of education, such Concerts should be patronised by fathers of a family ; for young ladies by attending them may cultivate their taste, and learn that there is better work for a piano than the thumping out of polkas and the jingling of quadrilles. To hear Hatié kay Paereovan is a lessona young pianist can hardly fail to profit by; and while such music may be heard at them, and there is such care to the comfort of the people who attend them, these Concerts will ‘continue to deserve to be as Popular as it was doubtless hoped they would be when they were so named, Art Treasures of Guildhall. As touching the Exhibition of 1862 a city paper suggests “con-| jectures of what the City of London will do—how it will comport itself; im what way it will utter an opinion, develope a fact, or institute an example.” The City of London will probably develope a fact, or rather two facts, and at the same time utter an opinion, and institute at example into the bargain. It will.disengage those great facts Gog an Magog from the obscurity of Guildhall ; it will express the opinion that | they excel anything in the Louvre; and it will send them to the| Exhibition to exemplify British sculpture. | | UNJENNEROUS OBJECTION. Tue Statue of Dr. Jenner has been moved from Trafalgar Square | to Kensington Gardens. Some journals complain of his being movet| about. But surely the inventor of vaccination has the best possible | t. Chamber music may not seldom be called “ Bed Chamber music,’ from its power, when ill played, to send listeners to sleep. But there right to make experiments on various spots. XV 1 ‘(aausvW dvay) noxog ‘ug | «iASOdUNd GOOD HOAS OL L SANGIUT ONOOK Uvad AW ‘qasva'la HOAN I NOTLVYOVA GTHL GAXOTAWA AAV NOX LVH xTrrT>sS

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ‘CHARIVARL —Fesnv ARY 15, 1862. SENT THE HOLIDAY TASK. Dr. Poycn (Heap Master). a i: AM MUCH PLEASED, MY DEAR YOUNG FRIENDS, THAT YOU HAVE EMPLOYED THE VACATION TO suCcIT GOOD PURPOSE!”

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Feprvary 15, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ir) =~T A VERY JUST OBSERVATION. aprretD (Mr.), M.P. for Sheffield, says that, being a Dissenter, of course he does not hap- prove the vindictive- ness of the Yankees in spoiling the Arbours, but that it does not so much matter, as in this weather the ple can’t want to take tea 5 in them. European Cards. Tae Emperor oF THE FRENCH has been considered a dubious card; but in the game which we have just had to oe the Yan- e has proved heeselt a trump. The Pops is a downy old hand at cards. Holiness says that he awaits events; he among that gentle crowd! able syren. ‘ Peeresses ? pooh h!’ says Sto way of knowing the haut ton ; That’s Mus. —— here he mentioned two names which I must decline which I can never, no never forget, so long as I remain a “Under the Victoria Tower there is an iron which, and high above the pavement, are posted expression on their countenances being such as would result from the combined effects rg Under the —_ and to the left hand we see dainty foots This excites old me oe the impression, es p thro Sy thoy start amazed, for he, the portal, pastel, iene Teoma. gold, and wearing the lo your hatter? ’.cry a eeen little even A 29 cannot repress a smile as - gear decked with a garland of artificial —beef-eater I mean. Anon we hear the Foot Guards march upon the scene. Their i street-boys who immediately volunteer their services to hold the music- books and thenceforth consider themselves a the Show. now roll in ener So ite-wi men, pink-legged flunke in rapid succession. cheered ? . It “ pe meee ae ‘ meee is | passed. Surely the Turkish Am! the searlet ‘fez’ which a yee Here is an angel in Sane, ae |g F datalel * ia EB 4 i | i ; i i Hy => S @ carpe interest, and pres ee eee [ g ct 5 i e ef ver ‘ ith gS ae cc is that bassador’s, and the fant only oriental element OHN’S re E wants to see what will | If turn up: bog will not deal, but he is ready to shuffle. ANTONELLI is su post to be at work, digging pitfalls. He may be regarded as ve of Spades. OUR ROVING CORRESPONDENT. “My DEAR Puncn, ** Ty this uncertain climate of ours which may freeze or thaw us at scarce an hour’s notice, which may ane us to throw open our windows on Twelfth Night, and kindle our fires in July, we require oer Signs than the weather to remind Ps of the time of 3 year. At ristmas, for instance, the appearance of mince-pies at dinner or my tailor’s little bill at breakfast, is a pretty certain indicator of the festive season. When I am "asked y little boys in the street to ‘remember the grotto’ (which by the way 1 have ascertained to be a | base imposition consisting of a heap of oyster-shells and a lighted end | of tallow candle), perhaps I reply warmly that the grotto may be— consigned to oblivion. But if 1 do not remember the grotto, I am at least hates, of the month. vie SP eae png parvis componere magna, when ‘Am’s circ we oe Rinks eneeainn a hope that they would be ready to ble with vba at St. "Bie pre 8 a sadeny, Westminster, Thee that February was at traightway prepared in the my peng 5 Magen to see pening of Parliament. ou see I ing my friend anne sho has a a and pies ol 4 invited m | for the eye to p e oi see some food ie lenehees an | lunch, of those fair subjects 7 Masgsty who rush on these occa- | some to ay their respects in every charming variety of bonnet, boot, and man . Palace Yard at first sight is not, I admit, a parr fascinating place. If pepe dow: Seventh’s Chapel is invested with historic emp it is, ded by a thick coat of London blacks. opposite at the Houses of Parliament, the ‘pillars of Gothic ores La appear vy mouldy indeed, and the vista down Abingdon Street is not cheerful. m indeed, a Westminster boy may be seen saun- tering to foment his ay Mater, or an inebriated bargee emerges from say, the scene is generally d But to-day ( (Fe ! ae as - are can Boe (which to say the tru is bustle and ani- poe i be lie at fae) ‘along the road (‘flavus fea ready to be scattered at the first approach of mage. - ols solemn white-gloved crushers line the pavements ae golent chief pn tras with poh praoe, and appa- ral sanessensey soal. Carriages to arrive and their contents deposi Good can up those steps? Oh, eco Be a snug ite sg a ee Le “Fields possesses a cultivated taste for oe to what he “ys A his ‘den,’ ostensibly oe 7 guemanaae but chiefly, I take it, with an the preparation of which light and whole- excels) and the contemplation after heaps of really be Peeresses tri for Sm: Epmunp Burke to tell us Who eave at none s on the previous night, and | doo Saxon. He ; go ‘adeodt him at ‘The Chequers !” “ Meanwhile the wind has been - | Mazzsty’s loyal — who look up e | Five minutes Senge 0, and the oe oon "| he are!’ at t we say, a8 a ‘ozen swell one, of course,’ says SLOPER, (who thes ) eyes - acco! bent archway. The door is . and out steps, N: HANCELLOR, but a venerable S ow bless him !) m full dress. Another vehicle, from which two P be descend, for all the world like Princes in a Christmas piece. ittle dears!’ murmur some female voices below, and I fall a wage which of these young gentlemen excels at foot- ball, and whether either a weakness for tartlets in private life. “ Another carriage, and another, and at gee * You have hi _ it described a dozen ley horses, tastefull cnemnones, indeed Who built it ? who d ned it? (why i isn m — well asa ‘Who’ 8 Who! ) Where did that vile Ad onc By: gilt oe. trees and dyspe’ pete fiston come from? It is surely of the Georgian era, and shoul reserved with other ens of that glorious h in Brighten avilion. Or sta Why not sell it? AME SAUD would ee 2 something handsome for the ugliest carriage in e Us Christendom. m sap. “ But who is this in ermined robes who jumps fom the chariot ? Ban it an No! ~s = rush to the That well-known form—that beaming e must be Pappy Green !—Good Evans !—I — Storer, and then as if possessed by one im ’ "Do bonnet six policemen, overturn a file of beef-eaters and make our — to the Strangers’ corridor, seemed with us the work of a momen: “Yes! there he stood at the steps of the Throne, and was just about to address the House, when a loud rapping was heard, prossedling from the Peeresses’ gallery and a female voice in accents exclaimed—‘ Please, Sir, it’s hate o’clock, and Missus says, would you like —— peered * * “5 enlie on find mpeelf i in bed at Scovnn s lodings Tt was Sarey- | Janz knocking at the door. I see it now ‘ANS’8— those amusing ballads.—Ah why, why was I tempted by that claret eup? I go to see Parliament opened! I must indeed have been ing. “ Yours truly with a bad headache. “ Jack East.” * This portion of the dress is derived from a mediseval fashion ;-~ “« All arounde my hatte I'll weare a wreathe of All arounde my hatte, tho’ ‘tis only for a daye, And gyf ony one should ask me w: , the reasonne I will tell him "Tis just because y* Parliament will meete and say their say. "Old Ballad. Fact rx Naturat History.—An Irishman knows how to mull everything, except claret.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruary 15, 1862. are added, it will be perceived that there is no very great change as to circumference.” It will indeed. Comment is needless. When we men- tion that skirts of dresses are five yards wide, and that two or three petticoats are added to steel cages, the cages enclosing the lower halves of females considered to be highly fashionably attired—what can we say more about such an intolerable deal of clothes? Nothing that can find a place in pa which exclude strong lang’ : substantives and adjectives of which the utterance would occasion syncope, and penages that ought never to be | pronounced under five shillings.

SN CRO S SX S

SPARE THE WOODS AND FORESTS. (BY SMELFUNGUS.)

ZZ Yi GY . GE WA J); Uf; (és Ye OMG | y] PRESERVE the trees, do, if you please, By any means you can, For they are dear as beef and beer To every Englishman. The woodman’s stroke too many an oak And elm is laying low; And woe the day when the rest decay, And all the forests go! <b / AY) 7, if There dwells no joy where churls destroy The timber off the land, Where the merry greenwood for ages stood, And groves of chimneys stand. But where’s the fun in your woods? says one Of Folly’s mocking brood. Thou ’rt right, fool, very; it was the merry, And not the comic greenwood. SItttt “4 ay s WWM Yip sa Sars

Wg Witiji. Then every lover of _ and cover, The noble and the clown, Lamenting sees, with falling trees, Wild creatures hunted down. : The buzzard and kite have passed from sight, SS ‘S és Y/ Artist. “J want you to make me a Coat with long Skirts—like those Hogarth paints | in his ——” } Costumisr. “A—h/ Mishter Hogarth, Sir—yesh, Sir ; cushtomer of ours, Sir; we makes'h all his coshiooms, Sir!”

BUTTERFLIES PINNED DOWN. } Our gay contemporary Ze Follet is coming out in a new and rising character. | No longer the simply stolid chronicler and implicit adorer of the fashions that be, | it has now become their discerning censor, and pungent if not crushing satirist. | Witness the remark ensuing, under the head of Fashions for February :— “* The more aérial a ball-dress is, the greater the elegance of the effect.” Keen, but delicate irony. A common critic would have said, in plain coarse words : “ The more like a balloon a ball-dress now is, the more it is admired by | every fool in the room.” But a neat poke with a parasol tells better on inanity | than a blow with a sledge-hammer. In the same caustic but lightsome vein of banter our humourist continues:— —| “A drawback, however, to these clouds of lace and tulle is that, although the ruches, bouillonnés, and flounces look so fairy-like at the commencement of the evening, before it is | finished the skirt appears chiffonnée and ragged.” | Authors are often praised for the excellence of their word-painting. Great | merit in that line must be conceded to the writer of the foregoing passage. It is admirable word-sketching. To the mind’s eye, in a few strokes, so to speak, it resents quite a vivid illustration of social life amongst the sumptuous classes. he delineation is twofold. On the one side we admire “ the ruches, bouillonnés and flounces,” which “look so fairy-like at the commencement of the evening.” On the other, we smile at “the skirt” as it has come to appear before the evening is finished, “chiffonnée and .? All that ination has to supply is the thing inside of the ruches, bouillonnés, flounces, and skirt; a fleshy young woman of

j Though yet on memory grav | There ’s hardly a hawk, and old folks talk Of having seen a raven. The pleasant scene of the village green, In building-lots disposed, We sorely rue; and the commons, too, Are getting all enclosed. And mansions old, on all sides sold, Are raised, and stuccoed vi Usurp their place ; as though our race Were sinking to Gorillas Our fields and downs o’er part when towns, The rest town sewage, spread Once fresh with flowers this land of ours Will be a close hotbed ; Wherein I trust to have left my dust, This land, all smoke and smother, Full fain to quit ; and to live in fit The world has not another. But can’t we check the ruin and wreck Of all old English beauty, ; Though traffic and trade so much invade, Strip bare, and turn all sooty ? Oh, cease to spoil your native soil At Mammon’s mere persuasion, _ And hold the earth that gave you birth Against that fiend’s invasion.

Where is the Police? elegant contour, practised in her attitudes, with a full, smooth face, a small fore- head, and large ox-eyes brilliant with animal spirits, and — else except the | It looks very much as though they had decidedly made up conceit of loo! pretty, at the bp ony we J of the evening, but dull towards four | their minds, at the very earliest opportunity, to go into o’clock in the morning ; the rest of the features likewise clouded with fatigue and | Pgpr, somewhat of vexation. ‘This is what is called the belle of the ball-room, whom | “swells” survey through eye-glasses, and want te dance with, or even to marry, regardless of expense, and not considering what she will turn into at forty. : nee Le Follet bas a still further poke at the prevalent absurdities of costume. It} By an Order in Council, dated the 5th, the prohibition observes that :— against exporting brimstone and saltpetre was removed. “The question of discontinuing Crinolines has been much discussed ; but when we mention | On the 6th, Mz. Rogsucx was thinking of going to that the skirts of dresses are five yards wide, and that to steel cages two or three petticoats Austria ! We fancy the Irish Members mean fighting, this Session.

CURIOUS COINCIDENCE. '

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 69

Fesrvary 15, 1862.]

OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. Puncu, — The Pantomime at the Princess’s is the best that I have seen this sea- son; but as I have at pre- sent only seen two others, my opinion can be hardly thought exuberant in praise. That at Covent Garden has not fun enough to please me, although (cruel as it sounds) I own it always ives me pleasure to see poms. a is — pa at the Haymarket vastly Miss entertaining, Loviss Lp is a most lively little heroine, and skips al so leaped of dptipotenticgs egged o es-long-legs to catch hold of her. I ery out Plaudite / moreover because this pantomime is written more for children than are most, and does not puzzle their young brains with politics or puns, which they are not mature enough as yet to comprehend. _ “ Puns fall thick as hail in"the opening of Dick Whittington, which savours less of pantomime to my mind than burlesque. This I think is a mistake, as they are each phe | in their way and better kept distinct. Puns in a burlesque are permissible enough, although it is too much the fashion now to stuff one’s ears with them, and make the glut of them atone for any lack of pains in working up the story which is taken for aplot. But smart writing in a pantomime to me seems out of place. prefer a good hot poker to the pungentest of puns, because I think the | poker is most proper to the piece. Pantomime, says JoHNsoy, is ‘a tale exhibited only in gesture and dumb-show ;’ so its actors should be funny in their actions, not in words, and win laughter not by punning but by gesture and grimace. The lover should make love not with his tangs but with his legs : and the maiden (afterwards Columbine), should be throughout a dumb belle, and trust to ‘speaking’ glances to sa; what she would wish. King Johu was the last pantomime I saw playe of this sort: and they who recollect it must remember how they laughed at it.* To see the peed by the nose out of his own carpet-bag, wherein he had concealed himself all except his nose: and to see the haughty Barons unbosoming themselves . apg ey J their coats, and displaying words of terror in big letters on their breasts: such scenes were proper om. and are far more likely to live long as pleasant memories than any quantity of word-torture by means of painful puns. : . rake “ However, notwithstanding the drawback of its dialogue, the panto- mime at the Princess’s is really quite worth seeing, and contains a good deal that is wef worth a laugh. There is no hot poker, but there wa my hg it: though this is treated by the Clown with far more gentle usage than babies in a pantomime in general receive. It is dropped and sat upon as usual, it is true; but it does not get its head thum on the stage to stop its crying, nor is it pitched up in the air, or poked into Clown’s pocket, or torn im halves between him and a member of the police. The transformation scene is pretty, and not tedious: and, therefore, more commendable than many far more gorgeous, but which are tiresome in their pane. slow, bit-by-bit development. Moreover, in the harlequinade there are no advertisements, and this is also highly praiseworthy, and commands my warmest thanks. Business matters surely have no business in a pantomime, and the only fun they offer is in the queer mixtures that sometimes they present; as in the Great Puff and Poster Scene at Covent Garden, which represents New Bond Street pet of Ludgate Hill. The ballet girls at the Princess’s are the best-drilled corps in London, else perhaps I might complain that the pantomime has somewhat of a surp of dancing, and it is this which makes it just a whit too ine. I am bound to add, however, that the coming of the last_scene me by surprise: and the trick which just preceded it—a Turkish bath turned to a snow-storm—was 8o smartly worked a change that I felt half a wish for more. By the way the Turkish baths have scarce been made the most of. I expected to seeClowns dressed up as Turkish cooks, and mate. be stout people ~ mere skeletons and scarecrows, adding, after semi-boiling, the torture “ poo. . . ““ Mr. Bouctcavtr has lately issued his mee proclamation, and has signified what pieces it will please him to perform, and for what period * Ha! that was a pantomime !—Ep.

the public will be very graciously permitted to attend them. The Octoroon and Colleen Bawn are this month to be withdrawn until next July, to make room for a new drama, which is to run till Easter, when a “domestic fairy tale’ and ‘new romantic drama’ are to be produced : and with this ‘group of plays’ the Adelphi summer audi are to be content. Perhaps to some old-fashioned play-goers it may smack somewhat of coolness thus to fix a limit to the run of a new piece without noticing the chances that it may be ill received. But it shoul be remembered that these plays though new in England have been acted in America, and so their author has fair ground on which to base his estimate, when he puts forward so confident a hint at their success. Besides, a man who is so clever in hitting public taste is not very likely to make an utter miss: and if hisaiae should prove a failure, he will doubtless so re-wrile them, wrgente voce publica, that the public will all flock to see the emendations, he will say, it has * composed: and which he has simply had the happiness to ‘ edit.’ “One wuo Pays.”

“LET THE SWAN ALONE.” “ A SHAKSPEARE CyoLopp14 is projected to be published in twenty parts. It will consist of a classified summary of SHAKSPEARE’s knowledge of the phenomena of nature, and of his allusions to’ zoology, botany, mineralogy, meteorology, medi- cine, agriculture, hunting, falconry, &c. The first part is promised in March, an will contain ‘ SHaxspeare's Natural History of Man.’ ” Mr. Ponca yields to no man (and to no wo dear Mrs. CowDEN CiaRkE, and many thanks for your invaluable Gomoordanee in the habitual exercise of his faculty o supencisting the Divove Wiiitams. A'study of Mr. Punch’s s will show how intimate is his acquaint- ance with those of the B ., and how exquisite his gift at pting the sentiments of the latter to the incidents of the day. In fact, he is the ‘Greatest Shakspearian who ever lived. But he has also another faculty, which is that of detecting Hanleg, and a third faculty, which is that of exposing and castigating it. e above scheme is Humbu —and it in its very name. A Cyclopedia means a work in which | the whole compass of arts and sciences is exhaustively — Any- | body who calls SHAKSPEARE a authority simply talks cant, cyclopeedic J | and the Drvixz W. himself would, it he heard the onkey, rise up and summarily “quoit him down-stairs.” Which office, in the absence of the said D.W. Mr. Punch hereby begs to perform, in the interest of the reputation of the Poet and of the lovers of his work. D. W. was some- thing a pone deal better than a Cyclopeedist, and deserves something a 4 eal better than the having his glorious name made a peg for umbug

ONE WORD FOR HIM, TWO FOR US. WHEN one does not like a person, one is curiously sensitive of the wit of anybody else who pitches into our Black Beast. This profound truth has just been illustrated by our amiable friend the Atheneum, which ae to dislike M. Du CHAILLu, of Gorilladom. A publisher issues a slang poem, which he christens “ The Gorilla Fight,” and our contemporary is in such a hurry to applaud anything that looks like a scoff at M. Du Cuaixtv, that it gives a long quotation from the poem, and describes it as a “droll and spirited ” age Belay controversy “recently conducted” in the columns of the Atheneum, adding other praise which no doubt the composition deserves, seeing that it was the work of the late Tuomas Moore—an obscure author, not without his merits. The enterprising publisher merely “ wed” the lines, and sold the critic, Mr. Punch refers to the matter, not from an unkind wish to show infallibility at fault, but in self-justification, because any living person who can write verses like Tom Moore’s, long ago been one of Mr. Punch’s Sacred Band, and not at the orders of a “borrowing” publisher. ,

The Right of Translation is Anything but Reserved. _ Tue Yankees translate the Porr’s polite defence of “ Non Possumus” into a patriotic and pathetic supplication of “ Don’t Posswm-us”’— meaning thereby that they don’t want the Confederates to put them “uap.a gum-tree,”

THE BRIGHT PARTICULAR STAR, THERE is one star which the Yankees may add to the Stars and Stripes. It is the Morning Star and Dial.

OST.—TWO BILLS, for the sums respectively of £24 9s. 6d., and £7 8s. 10d. The one isa Tailor’s Bill, and the other a Tavern Bill. If the for- tunate finder of them will only be kind enough to pay the amount of each, and then to restore them both (duly receipted) to the owner, he may confidently rely upon being unreservedly excused the liberty, ides making himself perfectly easy that no further steps shall be taken, or qu asked, in the matter. Apply to Cap- tain O'Doo, to the care of the shoeblack at the corner of Pump Court, Temple. N.B.—There will be no increase whatever in the terms offered above.

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9 UC UR WS. C NN NY NS Dex)! \ Be fA i Dmarvutive Youne Sweut (on the best of terms with himself). “Oh /—a—J’ve suddenly wecollected I was to have the happiness of—a— taking you down to Suppaw !” Tatt Youne Lavy. “ Oh, certainly! Let me see, shall I take your arm, or will you—a—TAKE MINE?” [Diminutive Young Swell wishes himself back at Trin. Coll. Cam. TAXATION GREAT TYRANNY. Tr is not often that Mr. Punch has the happiness of agreeing with that august body, the St. Pancras Vestry. But. in its last protest against tyranny he begs cordially to concur. The Vestry cannot com- rehend why the expense of the new road that is to be cut across ensington Gardens should be thrown upon London. Nor can Mr. Punch. The road is made because provincials .want to come to London to see the May Show, and because there will be no room for them to t along unless a new cut is made. Then they cont to pay for it. e have room enough, and we could get to the Exhibition easily eno the rustics would keep at home and mind their cows and apple-trees. It would be thought cool for a country friend to write | to a mer, and beg that he will have his house enlarged, as the countryman wants to come and stay with him. What is the differ- ence? However, nobody accuses Londoners of inhospitality (though the yokels do sometimes think us “cold,” because we can’t exactly abandon all our pursuits in order to take them to the Thames Tunnel and Almack’s,) and we'll compromise. Let London bear its share in the general taxation for this New Cut, but let the expense be charged | on the country at Mr. Punch is ashamed that the mean idea of taxing the Metropolis for the benefit of the provincials should have been entertained at all, and he begs the St. Pancras Vestry to agitate their hardest—upon this octasion only. Order is Mayne’s First Law. Hears of knighthoods and the like will of course be conferred in con- nection with the International Exhibition. But the most honourable title of all will be bestowed by the popular voice on the men who widen the approaches. Those men will be known as the Knights of Rhodes, and the Order will be the Order of Your Going. “Tue Atmicury Dotiar.”—No wonder it has gone. The melan- choly truth is, it has been “milled” to death. x a THE INFALLIBLE RAILWAY. Tue solemn inauguration of the railway from Rome to the Neapolitan frontier took place the other day when, according to an eye-witness :— ** Mass being concluded, holy water was presented in a silver vase to the offici- ating prelate, who, dipping his aspérsory instrument therein, sprinkled the rails as he walked along the line, followed by his cross and train-bearers.” Of course after the pactensgncs of the process above described no | train will ever go off the rails on the Rome and Naples line. If the | carriages, engines, and boilers were also sprinkled with holy water, rhaps they have been secured from all ane collision or bursting. Rtatistics relative to this line will be very inte: . If accidents are | found never to occur on it, the Roman line will. be demonstrated to be | the only safe one. England will be reconciled to the Holy’ See, and | arrangements made therewith by the Eastern Counties and other Rail. | way companies for the effectual prevention of those terrible catastrophes | which effect such a serious diminution of dividends. WANTED :— To know what is the ponent height of Captain WILKES (f the U.S. navy) compared with what he was only a few weeks ago. e are in- | formed that he is several inches shorter, and indeed we have heard even from impartial-minded Americans, that this mighty fire-eating hero of | seven days has already sunk down to the very smallest dimensions. It wouldn’t at all surprise ys to hear that Wiuxzs had by this time disap- | peared altogether, having fallen an ayy victim to spontaneous combustion of vanity. Information may sent with the greatest safety to the Punch office when it will be immediately published for the | benefit of the world. Two photographs, young WILKEs as he now is in his diminished glory, and Witxes as he was at the latter end of December in the full height of his popularity, would be about the best way of testing the truth. We wonder if he would mind sitting for his ponent We shall only be too happy, fallen giant as he is, to publish it for him. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 1 =i at their Office in pte y London.—Satvunpar, February 15, 1862. Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park, path fa the Parish of St. P; » in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Publish in the County of Middlesex, by them at No, 85, Fleet Street, in the P, of St. Bride, in the City of

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coon coatageoee i - ——_ _—_ | Fesruary 22, 1862.] | | ‘| tive leaders to explain whether they had intended to signify that the PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ; aT wt fil A/a —_ Fascrnatine Gent. “ Pardon me, Madam, but I think you dropped this?” (Lady is immensely delighted of course. | to the Great Exhibition—Mayne Force. | PARFUM DE ROME, | Our old friend Vevrxot has published a book under ithe above suggestive title, which is principally devoted to heaping coals of fire on the head of Cavour, and cursing M. 1’ Asst Passacia, through as many varieties of tense mood and figure, as ever the Archbishop of Rheims curse his sacrilegious jackdaw—according to the monkish chroni- cler, THomas DE InGoLpsBy :— ** In holy anger, and pious grief, He solemnly cursed that rascally thief ! He cursed him at board, he cursed him in bed ; From the sole of his foot, to the crown of his head ; He cursed him in sleeping, that every night, He should dream of the devil, and wake in a fright ; He cursed him in eating, he cursed him in drinking, He cursed him in laughing, in sneezing, in winking He cursed him in sitting, in standing, in lying, He cursed him in walking, in riding, in flying ; He cursed him in living, he cursed him dying.” Indeed, we may go on, with the chronicler— “ Never was heard such a terrible curse ! But what gave rise To no little surprise, | Nobody seemed one penny the worse !” | 3ut VEUILLOT is not satisfied with common-place cursing. | He has his own peculiar graces of execration—a poms commination service for his special use. Thus, after hurling | at poor ABBE PassaGuia, such mild objurgations as “ infa- | mous wretch,” “parricide,” “Jw iot,” he goes on to | pray that Heaven “may accumulate on him the load of | the sins which he has committed and those which he may | have remitted;” that “his robe may me a robe of fire,” and that Heaven “may refuse him a single tear to temper its burning.” | ‘Taking the matter and title of Vevitxor’s pamphlet together, it would seem that his “‘ Parfum de Rome” is a compound of the smell of roasted heretic and brimstone, with a dash of Créme de Billingsgate. Vrvu1tLot would do well to remember the Arabic proverb, that “ curses, like young chickens, always come home to roost.” Move on Tuoere!—The way to open the approaches PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. February 10, Monday. By way of instructing the Peers in natural his- tory, Lonp CARNARVON laid some uncommonly fine specimens of Mare’s Nests upon the table of the House, and Ear Russe 1 a lecture thereon. The subject was the detention of certain English subjects by the United States Government, on suspicion that these Englishmen were “secesshers.” Lorp Russet picked the lecture to pieces rather satisfactorily, and though Lorp Dzrsy thought that the lecturer deserved a vote of thanks, the Peers were not acclamatious. A point was made out of the fact that one of these Englishmen had not re- nounced his all to Queen Vicroria, but it turned out that he had given the legal notices of his intention to perform that graceful act, and he did not seem a client of whom Lorp Carnarvon had much cause to be proud. Lorp Matmessury then complimented the Ministers on the way in which they have managed the American diffi- oulty, but was particularly anxious to know what was the real state of the Blockade. Tone RvssELL was much obliged for the support he had received from the Opposition, and replied that he could not exactly say whether the Blockade were real or not, but that he had ordered every kind of information to be sent home, and would speedily produce the results. Lorp Granvie then as politely invited the Conserva- Declaration of Paris, in 1856, which proclaims the inviolability of en ee in neutral ships, ought to be disregarded in case of war. Lorp sBURY would not say that it “ought” to be disregarded when we or the French had-our respective monkeys, or to speak more heroically, our blood, Up—but he certainly thought that it Would. Lorp Granvitte then announced—and the statement will be received by the country with no satisfaction—that the promoters of the Memorial to the late Prince Consort are seeking to evade the admitted difficulty of deciding upon its character, by throwing the task of selection upon the most Illustrious Person in the realm. his is no time for intruding such a question in that quarter, and moreover, the Memorial is intended—and we contribute to it because it is intended— fpcignify national and not individual appreciation of the merits of a departed Prince. A word used by Teno GRANVILLE sufficiently indicates the feeling which those who tender advice in the highest uarter entertain upon the subject. “If the application be made, the overeign will not ‘shrink’ from giving Her views.” Str Georce Grey announced that the Government had no intention of trying to settle the Church Rate question, so all parties may have a Free Fight. The Abolition Bill has been re-introduced, and other plans are pushed forward, and so Ecciesia and Litre BetHe must have it out on an early Wednesday. | : Some protests were made against the Income-Tax, which was pro- nounced detestable in itself, and doubly detestable from the way in which it is collected. Mx. Guiapstone sweetly remarked that he be- lieved cases of abuse were very rare, but that he should like the duty of collecting the tax to be transferred to Government, only that this would make Government very unpopular. This was Homerically frank, at all events. ; aes a ‘ Mr. Hanxey moved for a Committee to inquire into the subject of Fires in London. Mr. Punch begs to illustrate the eee state of the case by an example which is in everybody’s eye. - There is, in the City, a Cathedral, built by Sir CuristopHeR Wren, and dedicated to the AvostLE St. Pavu. We are all rather proud of it. Near this Cathedral have lately been built some huge and hideous warehouses, which hor- ribly interfere with the architectural effect of St. Paul’s. ‘These ware- houses also threaten the Cathedral with destruction, for if they catch fire, as warehouses generally do, and the wind should blow from the east or thereabouts, as it generally does, the flames will in all proba- bility take the sacred edifice. That is notall. The proprietors of these hideous nuisances have no doubt insured them. Fire breaks out. The Fire-Engines belong to the Assurance Offices, and it would be the duty of the gallant firemen to exert themselves to the utmost to save the horrible warehouses, but it would be no part of their duty to save St. | Paul’s. Apply the same rule all over London, and recollect that if an insured bacon shop is afire, and the National Gallery also, CLraupE and REMBRANDT must burn while the bacon is saved. Clearly it is time to consider whether we ought not to have some National Engines, for the protection of national property ; and the Committee is appointed. Tuesday. A most touching Reply to the Lords’ Address was delivered VOL, XLII. I

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72 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fepruary 22, 1862. | in the name of the Royal Mourner. A Reply was also made to the Address by the Commons. ; ‘ Some costermongers recently murdered a butcher at his own door in South Street, Manchester Square. Some “excitement,” as the penny- a-liners say, has been caused by the apparently lenient conduct of the oy oye before whom the ruffians were brought. But as the case is to be tried before another tribunal, Suz Gzonce Grey, very properly interro; by Mr. Haavey Lewis, thought that he need enter into no explanations. , est Then did Mz. Ware endeavour to carry_a motion for appointing one night in the week for discussions on the Estimates. These discus- sions are very much hindered by the fact that when the QuEEN’s | Government demand money, every has a 5 a to insist upon some | question of his own being first disposed of. Now Mr. Punch has not often the happiness of agreeing with Mr. Wurrts, but is bound to say that in this matter, the sense was on his side, and the talk on that of | the eminent talkers who opposed him. Waxpoiz, and Disrazui, and | Patwerstow all guoheated inst altering a time-honoured system, | and Mr. Dusraeri affirmed that the House had a higher duty than legislation, namely, the duty of representing public opinion. This is true, | but public opimon decidedly is that the Estimates ought to be | well over-hauled, and this cannot be done when gentlemen who have been hard at work all day, and hard at talk all night, are | coal oi requested at midnight, to begin sums in arithmetic and scruti- oe details of extravagances. Mr. Punch dismisses, with a kick of the profoundest contempt, all the bunkum about terror at losinga check | upon the Crown, and thinks that it would be extremely desirable to examine the c upon the Exchequer. However the old hands | their way, and the motion was withdrawn, the mover remarking that | Mr. Disazxt was one of those who could make White look black—and | proving his statement by looking very black at the result. ; Mx. Moncxt2n Muyzs once more introduced the Bill for enab Mr. Jones to marry the sister of the late Mrs. Jones, if the sister an himself desire such a union. Mr. Watrore informed Mr. Muunzs that the Bill was to be strenuously resisted. There must be a great demand for Sisters-in-Law, as wives somewhere, but Mr. Punch’s | experience has failed to show him where this demand exists. He hates Ais sisters-in-law most heartily, for they always bowl him out at home when he has been performing any little innocent eccentricities out of | doors, they are always stimulating Mrs. Punch (who needs no such stimulus) to buy new bonnets, they always take the other front places in the opera-box, so that he to sit at the back, and they always | write to him for orders for the play, though, being all very rich, they | can perfectly well afford to pay. Moreover, they never seem obliged | by anything he does for them, but take it as [om of his conjugal duty. Should he have the misfortune to survive Mrs. Punch, he solemnly ledges himself, for one, to make no use of Mr. Mrtyes’s law (if Mr. Mr passes it) and so is quite disintetested in saying that he thinks ple ought to be allowed to do as they like in a matter which the | House Flake Spiritual and Temporal, has solemnly declared to be ' no question of principle. Wednesday. The Commons sat only half an hour, the theological | bills not being sufficiently forward to Lernish a fight on this, the legis- lative Sunday. Convocation, however, sat elsewhere, and prant a good deal about the theatres being open in the week im which Good riday occurs. | __ Thursday. The first night of anything like real discussion. In both | Houses the new Educational Minute was the subject, Lonp GRANVILLE / and Mr. Lowe being the Ministerial speakers. Govern- | ment have very considerably modified the or modifications, and it was felt, that Ministers offered_a very satisfactory defence of what | they had done. The Eart or Dersy must have enraged an immense | lot of clamorous parsons and indignant teachers, by deliberately de- | Claring that all the alterations in the new system had been made in the right direction, Mx. Disraxui only complained that the explanations had not been given sooner. It was understood that the whole question | was to be brought up again, one of these days, for an elaborated dis- section, but the Reform, which was far more orem than any other which could be suggested, is an aceomplished fact, and the people will | find out the benefit of it before long. | Friday. Presivent Sewarp having caused Kine Lixcoxy to send | out another Stone Fleet to complete the destruction of Charleston | Harbour, Eart Russet manfully declared the act a Barbarous one. We shall be curious to hear how the chief Barbarian will justify the deed. If there is much more of this sort of thing, it may be a question whether the civilised powers ought not to such a Blockade, not in the interest of commerce, but of humanity. Then exploded in the Lords the bombshell of nonsense which had been loaded in Convocation touching the allowing the Lendon theatres | to be opened in Passion Week. Lorp Dungannon ventilated his Puseyite notions on the subject, and Mr. Punch was sorry to see his | own right reverend brother, the excellent Bisnor or Lonpon, support- ing Lorpv Duneannon, though on somewhat more rational grounds. Every place of amusement, in and out of London, except the theatres, | | | } | shoul had | trade could only be is open at the period in question, and why an Ethiopian serenader | should be permitted to cackle nonsense, while the other black man, Othello, must not utter the language of the Divine Wiui1aMs, perhaps the bishop will privately inform Mr. Punch. The fact is that the ob. | servance of days, with the exception of Fifty Two, and Two others, is no | longer an English habit, and it is useless'to cling to rags of an extinct | ritual. A pleasing illustration was given of the way in which Lords | talk of what they do not understand. Lorp Duxeannon thought that | there was no hardship upon the Actors or Actresses from the rule | which shut up the theatre in Passion Week, because they must be | employed in pas entertainments for Easter. Certainly, our | dear lord, and do you know anyother werd besides Duncannon which | beginswitha D? If so, apply it to themobleman who made the above | speech, and did not know that though the happy artists may have to | rehearse-day and night, they are never paid a ahilting by their generous | employers except in respect of public performances. There are plenty | of lords :who know quite as much as is good for them about all suc matters. Why did nobody tell Duneanxwon not to talk nonsense ? Sm Roserr Pre. gave Ma. Macurae another knock or two, and | promised him a fight whenever he liked. Cowrenr said that there nvust be a road made from the north of London to the International | Exhibition, and he meant to make one, and spend money out of the | duties in doing it, so that the Tyburnian people may scuttle along | eomfortably. Mx. Forster complained that the Belgians were doing | us in the matter of Tariff. Lorp Paumerston had five things to say, first, that he could not prevent that savage beast the Kine or Danomey from murdering his subjects by the thousand; secondly, that the slave fnall put down by making commerce more profitable than mat-stealing; thirdly, that the Belgians were inclined to behave very well; fourthly, that Mr. Coppen would have had a mark of Government gratitude for his treaty services, but for his own over- modest character ; and fifthly, that the Ladies of England were causing the distress in Coventry, by their whimsical adoptiun of new fashions. But Cupid could not _e his mind to speak altogether unkindly of Venus, and he added that the ladies were benefiting Sheffield by | wearing steel, though that often proved fatal to life. Evidently, the | Premier dislikes Crinoline, and we should be pleased to hear him | discuss the subject. Divers other matters kept the House till midnight. The Highways Bill was sent to a Select Committee, the Warrior was declared to | behave nobly at sea, the National Gallery was announced to be so full of pictures that we really must have fresh accommodation—and Cox the Great, Cox of Finsbury, Mr. Punch’s own Cox, announced, amid | unrighteous laughter, that he meant, on a given day, to ask Lorp Patmerston whether he would bring ina Reform Bill. BRAVO, BOTH OF YOU! Srxce Greek Professor Dr. Jowrtr’s made, What salary should for the work be paid ? *Twixt new endowment of four hundred clear, And old endowment, forty pounds a year, The Oxford Dons declare that the Professor As heretic, must put up with the lesser. But Jowerr’s friends, giving the larger preference, Subscribe two thousanll to make up the difference. A worthy taste has worthy Doctor Jowrrr His saying “No” to the gift, doth clearly show it. But. still to. Jowzrt’s friends and Jowert’s foes, And Jowert’s self its tribute Justice owes. Honour to Jowzrt and each would-be giver, And to the forty-pounders, scorn for ever! OUTLANDISH INTELLIGENCE. Te following is an item of foreign news which has beca judged to be | of sufficiently high importance to be worth transmitting in a distinct telegram :— | “ A Servian agent having given to the Porte explanations in reference to the protest which it addressed to the Powers on the resolutions recently passed by the Skup?skina or Servia, the Porte has declared itself to be better satisfied with | regard to the further intentions of Servia.” OQ! for the good old times when we should have asked who, or what, | is the Sxuprskina or Servia ?—when we had no foreign politics to | bother us, and involve us in trouble and expense. How happy we | should be, if we could still exclaim with contented ignorance, that we | didn’t know and didn’t care whether the Skurrskuva oF SERVIA was 4 potentate, or a parliament, or a parish vestry, or a pack of stuff! A Compiiment By way or Novetty.—Why is the Hebrew Per | suasion the best of all persuasions? Because it is a persuasion that admits of no gammoun. | RE

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Fesruary 22, 1862.}

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 73

OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. i Me Y DEAR Pounce a “ Or a truth, I e: must congratulate ) Me. Pretrs upon his Shakspeare Gal- me lery. Insaying this, fm however, I do not refer to any Shak- speare pictures he =, may have in his pos- * session. The gallery deere ~ * bon ery © 1e- . atre, which I saw crammed. the other to see him \ % if if Mi | it » | ‘ Ny g Hy j ’ ) crowd of eager faces all intent upon the scene is a sight that any fedpeu- lover must be | to see: and while I had such that they go to see grant you, there is f /) Vie ih Aid if 1 were Miz, Purtes I would not care much for mere pictures, a living to look at, nije E “ The pli of Pentonville are in this respect peeuliar the play, and mot to flirt and chatter. Between the acts, I plenty of conversation, and at times a cheerful eat-call to ihe moment the bell rings you hear the cry of * Silence!’ ‘Or-der!’ and then every tongue is hushed, and is smothered till the curtain drops. The gallery beeomes'a model of ‘ still life,’ and the falling of a pin would doubtless be resented as am outrage by the pit. Although the entrance-fees are only sixpence and ashi the frequenters of Yall seats pay thorough reverence to SHAKSPEARE, and listen to: And surely few cam fail to 1? y deserve. words with the attention they. such ing, and to bear in memory some few of the thousand In these sensation-craving times, when murders he has 1 v by m in the midst of scenery, and ships on fire, and slave sales, and t headers are so sought I rejoice to find a theatre where SHAKSPEARE is ph pron: vay and is loved and reverenced for his own intrinsic sake, and not by reason of the adjuncts which the paint-pot can supply. J “ Macbeth at Sadler’s Wells is decidedly worth going to, if only for the sake of seeing how attractive the play is in itself, without the gorgeous woe saa at the Princess’s a season or two since. There is just a trifle too much thunder in the murder scene, and the peals are caused so me pene | by rolling cannon-balls about upon the floor just over-head that they do not much enhance the horrors of the scene. The rain comes down too in such torrents that I really almost feared that the New River had burst in, and the speech of Zady Macbeth, while her good husband was ‘about it,’ was half-drowned in the uproar of the artificial flood. ‘The | close of the act, however, was exceedingly well done: Macbeth’s scene with his wife full of horror and remorse, rendered without rant; and the clamour and con- fusion, with which the act concludes, done with a good eye to picturesque effect. “T have seen better casts at Sadler’s Wells for this great play. Muss Giyn and Mr. Marston were actors to be missed; and their places just at present are but ill supplied. In the sleep-walking scene Miss ArKrNson spoke too low to be well audible, and she has besides not force enough worthily to carry out the grandeur of the part. Mr. Epmunp Puzups is pains-taking, and certainly improves ; but he has very much to learn ere he can hope to do full justice to a I very well remember how his father Ce the character on the night when Mr. Macreapy retired from the stage; and how, when hearing of the loss of ‘all his pretty ones at one fell swoop,’ he and tearful utterance that there was scarcely left a dry eye in the house. Mr. Macreapy had his faults: he ‘ pumped’ too much, cried some; he ‘mouthed’ too much, said others; but I for one shall ever reverence his memory. Whatever his short-comings, he was a man who did good service to the drama in his day. R. PHELPS as his successor continues his good work ; and, although at times too ponderous and dragging in his speech (in soliloquy especially is this defect ob- servable), he is y now the only English actor (your pardon, Mr. Kean; no, Ihave zot forgotten you) who can fitly play a SHaKspEare tragic part. “The pantomime at Sadler’s Wells of Cherry and Fair Star is not much to my taste, though I am bound to say the audience in general seemed pleased by it. But it has a burlesque opening, which I think is a mistake; and this is more punny than funny, and drags somewhat slowly through its surplusage of small talk. * Action, action, action!” is as requisite in burlesque as DemosTHENES considered it was needful in a speech. Besides, the story (what there is of it) is not remarkable for clearness ; the harlequinade has no hot poker, and a paucity of tricks. The only entire change is that of an excursion-train for Brighton being turned into a pleasure’ boat, with everybody ill in it; and this I rather fancy Flew somewhere seen before. Generally at Sadler’s Wells one finds a good old-fashioned pantomime, full of comic business, bustle, and big heads. This year the exception is not a very wise one; and though the audience now do their best to langh at the bad puns, I rather think they would more relish butter-slides and red-hot pokers, and other fine old pantomimic ways of ti the house. < T have not yet seen the Lily of Killarney, as our old friend the Colleen Bawn is recognise a friend. But Wr Te ve his sorrow words with such a quivering lip and choked | critic might, to draw upon my fancy, assisted by mere hearsay, te put forth my sweepi raise or con ion of the work, and minutely to detail its every beauty and defect. As Mr. Harrison is certainly a bigger a Boucicauut, I should imagine the great ‘header’ mus Adelphi; and, whatever be the added charms of the new music, an chance of = in her sweet voiee that charming air, the Cruiskeen wn, “ Old Phil’s Birthday is a piece well worth seeing at | the een oer because it deme that Mr. Boemas con do better play the mere buffoon. That his buffoonery |is funny I most readily admit: his reasoning i | Aladdin, and the pranks he played with Great . |Gupian Cxarke, in that absurdest of absurdities, the Rival Othellos, were really things to make one’s side ache, |absurdly out-burlesquing burlesque as they a be. | Still, a toueh of quiet humour is better than b farce ; | and a bit of a pathos lives longer in the memory than PT oe Rela erie | “I hope before my next to give a look at the St. James’s, | which I ye bravely new management. | thanks to a neat play and pretty b I | mean, tao, if Dean, to sgeeee inte tie I understand since Christmas people have their children on their knees; so crammed has the house’ been to see the Peep o’ Day, and catch a peep o’ nights at ‘TELBIN’s lovely scenery, and Miss Lyp14’s lively legs - prettily smilin oe and lips. ae Drury ame, pit entrance, I am is at present only passable those who take their stand there at six o’clock, a.m. ; sigh is the attraction of the pantomime plus Mr. Kean, whom I commend for his good sense in having hitherto shunned | SHAKSPEARE, and stuck to plays like Lowis Onze, which are not beyond his grasp.

nm! ing with. * One wHo Pays.”

I ONCE HAD A TATLOR. (SONG OF A WALLFLOWER.) Airn—"* My Lodging is on the Cold Ground.” I once had a Tailor; ’tis some time ago : More years than I care to confess. But then I delighted in personal show, And paid some attention to dress. My dress suit has lasted from that time to this ; For service it only hath seen On occasions like visits of envoys from Bliss, Not many, and distant between. | Its nap is as yet but a little effaced, And that you want daylight to see ;_ f But the coat of my youth is too small in the waist, So the trousers and vest are, for me. Costumes oft have changed since this old one was new ; But its style may revive in our day : So I yet may appear in the fashion hike you, Once again, ere I cast it away.

The Claims of Kindred. | Tue greatest rarities in the world are kind relatives. | Truly kind relatives will never oppose your inelinations, ‘but on the contrary, encourage you to follow them, and | will take all unpleasant consequences of your doing so on |themselves. They will lend you money to speculate with, and as often as you fail they will allow you to fall back upon them, and lend you more, and so on until they have no more to lend, and then they will you their names and their credit, and apologise to you for having done so little for you.—NEERDOWEEL On Goodness.

CASTOR ON THE COLONIES, Mr. Gotpwin Surra thinks we should give up Canada, and let the Yankees have all they want of us. We are now convinced of the transmigration of souls. Mr. Surru, jin a former state of existence, was evidently a beaver.

| operatically called; and so I will not venture, as a bolder | man than | be even more ‘tremendous’ than it was at the | lover of old melody would surely never miss the | hearing Miss Louisa Exiy O’Connor Pyne |

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[Fesruary 22, 1862, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. RES ¥s » y i; q Ny My “ey i | ae Wey UA Mish Lh Ti XS Site» ti Si \\ ,. 7 Vr: \\ a N = a Ee . ee yn oe d AVIA SS A HUNTING APPOINTMENT.—VIVE LE SPORT AGAIN! Distinguished Foreigner (who does not comprehend why a frost should stop Hownds). “Ana! No Hoyt zis Morntnc—Mon Diku !—ZEn ZARE 1s No Dog's MEET TO-Day!” PYTHON PARTURIENS. “The Python at the Zoological Gardens is now ingubati | Journals, passim. ’ | SPREAD straw, tie up the knockers on your @#iigets, Zoologists, this great egg-sample blithe o Let Fellows who come in endorse their tickets, * With kind inquiries after Mrs. PyrHon.” Strange birds and beasts within these Gardens’ bound, In their confinement daily may be seen : Even mare’s-nests perchance might here be found By one who carefully should sweep the green. (Or if the Gardens no such nests afford, The House of the Society, 1’ll swear Will yield you plenty, if you’ll search the Board, What time the Council may be sitting there.) A viper here once laid an egg, ’tis said And duly from it reared a viper small; But now we boast a Pythoness, instead, Who lays a hundred eggs and sits on all! We’ll trump the “ Sure as there’s snakes in Virginny,” With which the Yankee nails a “tall” remark, (As you might trump a dollar with a guinea) By “Sure as there are snakes in Regent’s Park ! ” A hundred eggs! In each a baby Python! Delightful moment, when a Gray or OwEN, This large though scaly family broods blithe on, And marks, week after week, his charges growing, And still unwinding, 2 4¢@ Witxre Cottis, Such closely-woven tails, one feels perplext ore than 100 eggs.”— | To make cut head from tail, yet nolens volens, Waits the “ continuation in our next.” Or shall I say, like an Attorney’s bill, “In bouts of linked sweetness long drawn out,” As that Attorney strong to squeeze at will, With coils as slippery as their gripe is stout ? . in her maternal toil ! : To have the ordering of Small Pythons’ goings, And teach their young ideas how to coil! Rare ing to lend such aid as OWEN’s To Mrs. P. i Our Python class at length from school uncurled, _ Youth’s gay slough cast for manhood’s darker skin, To see them introduced into the world, As vicious as the wildest of their kin— Till, from this single pair of Python kind, Boas shall be as thick as bores are now ; And snakes to hookahs not as now confined, Shall swing, delightful fruit, from every bough Adieu, proud mother, be thine hopes fulfilled, To help thee hatch, some sunshine may we see ; Pheebus Apollo’s shafts the Python killed, The want of them seems likelier to kill thee. Done on both Sides. Tue attempt by the new Imperial Finance Minister to keep up French rentes by rigging the market having failed, the would-be borrowers on the Bourse, and the would-be lenders on our own Stock Exchange are a, bo Fonia —waemnee you pronounce the word, “ be-fouled,’ or “ be-fooled.” vq auory ” 0 ie il Wel \ * u JIN v . bs y e AY ” . . Ms By ‘ ad HO~—iSassdoons LINVITTIUA UNOA LY GANUVHO WLINAD.,, *Azz1q ‘suypy anv Aaa ‘supe Ww «iSHLLYVd ITV OL DNIAJILVUD ATOUL OS iSHA UV ww #f6f4.tfsao gr -— os Trry$TeTyTrTr.,S.Y

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fesrvary 22, 1862. TOO CIVIL BY HALF. AND Mrs. Dizzy. “ QUITE CHARMED AT YOUR BRILLIANT SUCCESSES!—OH DEAR YES! SO TRULY GRATIFYING TO ALL PARTIES!” ‘ 1h > : vel . . tT Vy DT Con DAC nu ave au Mrs. Derpy OR: > &

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in th “A | & simi

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Fesrvary 22, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE POLICE AND THE CRUSHERS. LJ Keayeuxcu,—“ Eureka! See what { ound—in a Police Re- port, under the head of ‘ Ham- mersmith,’ of a case in which a oluras wining : e or w = haaeiae on the pavement at Kensi pleaded that it was an old-fashioned child’s four-wheeled chaise at “Mr. Dayman looked at the Act of Parliament, and said the words were ‘any ,’ and therefore he held that a bulator would come within e meaning of the Act. It was, however, a matter for 2s.-costs.” “So the police have the power of interfering with f perambulators, if ;they please a N q m to use it. ow that they know they possess that salu- , L trust they will exercise the same. The de- i fendant in the case wherein that point was ruled by Mr. Daymay, urged that in the High-street, Notting-hill ‘the public had to walk in the in consequence of the bulators on the pavement.’ Will Sm Ricnarp Marne suffer ? Thenr men costermongers will be very treated. A barrow of ae et bones, wheeled by a é gh a crowd, is much less of a nuisance than a perambulator ot in it, pushed long by a servant girl, The man is king of his greens or other contents of his barrow ; the girl of some soldier, or policeman, or the baker’s man: or more commonly still her — are fixed on vacancy and her two eyes on opposite quarters of the rene. The former sings out ‘B ae !? an — vue .¢ you; the other.gives you no warning, crushes your toes. You rejoice with me to dnd. that there exists a Corn Law to afford them rotection against those Juggernaut-cars in which the little idols of their you will j head send Str Rrcnarp Mayne a ing invitation to enforce ib wi e utmost rigour, you will much oblige your old friend, “ PANTALOON.” “ Feast of St. Valentine (Calf’s Heart for dinner), 1862.” A SATIRE IN THE SATURDAY REVIEW. THe Saturday Review contains an article on “Flogging at Public Schools,” founded on a case the statement of which includes, or at least implies, what, we trust, is a very serious mistake. Let the tale be told in the Saturday Review's own * — like some that now and then occurs in police reports assize-intelli may perhaps be quoted for explanatory purposes without offence. _ After a classical allusion to the custom practised by certain persons in Ancient Rome, of exposing in the forum, for a particular purpose, “the traces of the patrician scourge,” the Saturday Review proceeds in the following strain :— “ A Mr. Gzoros Jacksox, who, in the persons of two h sons, has suffered imilar in and has i autteahow ia titwine the lebeian. prece- prudish than the laws of or at Charing , the cuticle of his restricted by the less dramatic habits ocint® exigencies of modern clothing, and can only display their Although, as tonshing that same display, the laws of Numa may be less prudish than the New Police Act, they are. pochage considerably more prudish than the foregoing remarks, if prudish is exactly the right epithet. to apply to any excess of eee eve to a very ar exhibition. Prudery is the word which most men would use to qualify the extremest sense of the objectionable in that respect. That 1s an excess of refinement which gentlemen do not gen consider old-maidish and express themselves as if they did. A licence, however very much 7 opposite of such prudery, is manifest in the subjoined jeers at the expense e Saturday Review continues, ridiculing that Uma, precludes “In other words | form of a somewhat gentleman } he has published and circulated a pamphlet, detailing, in the | lengthy correspondence, how his two boys, aged eighteen and oting Mammas are accustomed to be dragged over our bunions; and if nineteen, went from Uppingham School to see their grandmamma holidays—how the charms of her society tempted till the last allowable train—how an pene Bradshaw caused them to miss that and dmaternal tears, the fatal miscalculation was Mr. Jackson, feeling his own nerves tingle vicariously at the inflicts a voluminous correspondence upon the Draconic having withdrawn his boys from the school, epistles on the Bisnor or Lonpon—and finally, in the form of a pamphlet, —_ of the governors of the school, without apparently obtaining e desires, In the same vein of mockery devoid of prudery, the Saturday Review pursues the young Jacksons, also; thus — “ The doom has been executed and cannot be recalled. Those youthful martyrs to grandmaternal fascinations cannot have restored to them cuticle they have lost. That bloodstained morning can never be washed out of their memory. | And it may be doubted whether this is a sort of martyrdom of which increased a tae suffering. At least these men must much less thin skinned morally than they a to been if they | enjoy the privilege which ntal fondness has secured for them of their first public entry into society in the character of grandmamma’s flogged how, in spite upon | the satisfaction | Stinging words. They are, however, perhaps, a little too like the | venomous taunts of a rabid woman. Savage words to apply to young | ‘he Saturday Review goes on to scoff at the ‘lads in the aggravating , female style because they were “ fi ‘for inability to tear” them- — selves “from the side of their ” and have incurred “an | accumulation of comical ignominy co towhich, im the opinion | of most young men, the punctures of buds of birch would smart but little.” Its attack upon them conéludes with the following obser- | vations, very much indeed the reverse of prudish: “« ¢ Pleasant but wrong,’ is recorded by the préverb to have been the rethark of | the c! eep when he kissed his grandméther ; but he did not embody the ejaculation ina pamphlet. Whatever the f vot the half-healed sufferers may , Rave beGpeienpet= they token ee the side of their too seductive . ancestress, they better have prevailed upon literary i of har now, fori thoy yo elth Pinto the Snny ortoe zane fi now, ey go er 5 . in a few months detest her very name.” a The last:lause of the above paragraphs simply an invitation of any regiment or college to which the june Jacksons may go to banter, insult, and torment them out of their lives. The Review , men as well content itself with attacking established reputations : and spare the prospects of young men just entering life. The great mistake, however, made—as we hope—by the ane Review is especially evident in that part of the extract just quo which represents the Jacksons, respectively eighteen and nineteen | years old, as having been flogged after the manner of children. Ac- | cording to the Saturday Review, moreover, the of adult F nwsc in that infamous manner is an ordinary practice at Uppingham ool, | Here, surely, the Saturday iew isin error, The must be that — the young men, if flogged at all, are flogged after the manner of men. | Otherwise Uppingham School would be a place which prudery would | object to mention, and any schoolmaster exercising the birch at that | establishment would be a person whom we unwillingly name. Strangely enough the Saturday Review follows up its sareasms on the | youths of eighteen and nineteen by expressing disapproval of that discipline, with whose shameful circums and the essentially | odious condition involved in them, it had been ing and sporting in | jocosities which any prudery or sort of nicety wo' from. VICTIMS OF PROGRESS. Tue Times, in an awakening leader on the sleepy subject of Educa- | tion, observes, with reference to the sacrifice-of vested interests to the public good, that :— , 7 grave: in this Metropolis is a vested interest in the dead disregarded for the sake of the living. That two niillions might breathe a purer atmosphere, , we reduced the fees of two or three hundred clergymen.” Other nuisances have been abated to the detriment of interests | vested in them, besides intramural grave; Reform in Doctors’ Commons, for example, destroyed the business of certain proctors. But in this case did we not hear something of some small amount of com- | pensation allowed those learned persons for the removal of the offence which they had enjoyed the prescription of on? Clergymen | are not vermin of less consequence than proctors. We should perhaps | breathe our purer atmosphere with greater com if we had | purified it at our own expense and not out of pockets of a few unfortunate parsons. Important Fact for Orange Lodges. Tux annual consumption of oranges in oe ng is, so it not less than 650,000,000 a year. We only allude to this valoabie stile in the next edition of Pres’ Diary. tical fact, that it may be

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fepruary 22, 1862. i / /; ' ‘Ak j Ll { Mp Ae My Ml Y y y/ ly yi Wy “Y, lly, yy o Wy, y YY Up tile Vip 4s Uf CY) Mi Vf ’ YY, K i Wy One or THE Ricut Sort. “ Why don’t you come to drill, man?” One or THE Wnone Sort. “ Haw, fact is I’m genwally engaged—some evening night, you know ; but I shall come in Lent, you know, when|her celebrated Parlour party or dinner party every that sort of thing is all over. AN APPARITION ACCOUNTED FOR. _ AccorDING to Galignani, the BisHor or TaRsEs has just | issued a pastoral affirming the reality of an apparition, | similar 1o the reported one of La Salette, and to | have occurred to a young girl named BeRnaperTe Susi. | Rous, February, 1858, in a grotto at a place in the Hautes Pyrenées named Lourdes. fn this document the faithful | are authorised to believe the apparition as certain, and | the “worship of Our Lady of the Grotto of Lourdes” | also “is henceforth authorised throughout the extent of | the diocese.” Thereon a Paris journal remarks :-— “ Is it not clear that Bernnapette is of the darkest ignorance, and | that she has never known, or has conscientiously forgotten, her cate- chism? She does not say, in fact, that she has seen the Virgin. She | says that she saw the Immaculate Conception. This is of no slight | gravity, and the Bishop or TARBEs would perhaps have done well | to have paid more attention to the circumstance, for it shows that BERNADETTE looks on the Immaculate Conception as a lady loving to adorn herself with a blue girdle, and having a fancy for yellow | roses, otherwise we should be obliged to believe that the Virgin had really appeared to Bernapetre, and had taken advantage of the simplicity of the child to give her the falsest ideas of the Immaculate Conception.” A young lady whose own conceptions are so dull and hazy | as those of BERNADETTE, was in her right place when she | beheld an apparition in the Grotto of Lourdes. The Bisxor | or TarBEs must be as /owrd as the visionary herself, to | publish such humbug as the story he vouches in his| pastoral, expecting it to be swallowed, unless the people | m his diocese are mostly imbecile. That the girl sawa figure, elegantly attired, which she took for that of a holy | peceemng, is very probable, and it is ay that she | eard the words Immaculate Conception, which she sup- posed to be synonymous with Notre Dame. Apparitions such as she beheld are wont, seemingly, to occur principally | about the Alps and Pyrenees, and other mountainous regions. In these districts also a uliar affection is | prevalent and endemic; that of Cretinism. | A Fact not Generally Known. So systematic is the Old Letty of Threadneedle Street in all her arrangements, that she has the fire even in| “banked up” regularly every | day. | A COMPANION TO THE PEERAGE. Amone recent announcements of medical books, the following will, perhaps, have excited curiosity amongst the habitual students of Dop and DEBRETT :— “THE BLOOD OF THE ARISTOCRACY. “ Ox Pore Boop; its O Diseases of the Alimentary Canal, Stomach, Intes- tines, Chronic Diarrhcea (even of many years standing), Spinal Complaint, and Asthma ; their successful treatment. Digestion, its Derangements and Remedy. Skin Diseases. &c. In this work is original thought.” From the above title and list of contents we should be disposed to conclude that the author of Zhe Blood of the Aristocracy means to say that the ehenating fluid of the superior classes is exceptionally pure and wey gene y contaminated with morbific agents. It woul appear that aristocratic blood for the most part contains the seeds of eruptive complaints, of d of the nervous system and respira. tory and digestive’organs, insomuch that chronic diarrhcea, especially, | runs in the blood. Gout, everybody knows, is comprehended under | the natural law of entail, and often descends in association with high honours and broad lands; though it does not go all to the eldest son. Does the blood of the aristocracy, examined under the microscope, | exhibit finer globules than that of the-common people; and does chemical analysis detect in it any peculiar principle of honour, which might be named Stirpine or the principle of Race, or Stemmatine, or, more familiarly, Pedigrine; or, more familiarly still, Nobbine, or Swelline? _ Transfusion of blood is practised in cases of dangerous exhaustion from hemorrhage. Su pase Lorp Reematp Firzurse at death’s door, in consequence of bleeding in his country’s cause from a wound received on_the field of glory. Lizurenant Larkins, whose father was a linendraper, volunteers to supply the deficiency in his lordship’s circulating medium. Will the vital fluid of Larxuys kill Firzursz, as Bc of an ox or other lower animal would? Will it make Firzursz a Snob! The origin of pure blood, the blood of the aristocracy, whole and — | untainted, as it flowed in the veins of the primary aristocrat, would be | an interesting subject of inquiry, if there were any scientific reason | for believing that personage to have been a king of men, who are sup-| posed to have ~~ ed the flints in the drift, and not that more modern | patriarch, who, ti Mately, has had the credit of having been “the first | that ever bore arms.” UTILISATION OF ROSEWATER. 1’. treasure some soapsuds else destined to sink, And mix with the River which Londoners drink, And keep it in store to refresh Dixies’ Land, Or the Blackamoor’s Air, Which is ground everywhere, In the Strand! Then come, if thou wilt, dingy Prero, and grind, From the pathways of study distracting my mind ; And an engine shall wash thee with dew from the rose. But thou’lt smile in the rain, - Which will cleanse thee, and pain Not thy nose. How to Train up a Child. Tue best plan of training a child is to allow him to put on a railway- guard’s uniform, to jump up behind the engine, do stoker’s work, slam | the doors, call out the names of the stations, and to start the train by blowing the whistle, taking good care that he pays well for the latter. | Such training may lead him eventually to a commission of lunacy, but | that is no fault of his tutors, more especially as the charge is even 3) uicker method than the railway of allowing the young man to ru) ough his property. Wuar is both Food for the Body and Food for the Mind ?—Bacoy.

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Fesrvary 22, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 79

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A RARE CHANCE FOR THE ORGAN-GRINDERS. $-~ pensable te warfare as money ; and money has been called the sinews of war. Music is the soul of Mars. Im old times Josuva sent Jericho on a bust with his horns. The Greeks and Romans invented brass bands by clashing their shields together as they went into battle. The old English yeomen were equally skilful with the bugle and the bow, and hence a ‘ blower’ and ‘one who draws the long bow’ | have become synonymous terms. The Crusaders had their troubadours. The cavaliers and | roundheads fought out the respective merits of monarchy, democracy, and short and long metres. | The ‘ Marseillaise’ is the big columbiad of France. Tom Drspry is the fighting admiral of the | English Navy. ‘ Yankee Doodle Dandy’ has put many a feather into our nationalcap. .. . . | _ “Good martial national music is one of the great advantages we have over the rebels. They | have only bands of guerrillas and bridge burners, and are as destitute of musical notes as they are | rich in shinplasters. y have not even one national tune, if we except the ‘ Rogue's March,’ for ‘ Dixie’ belongs exclusively to our Dan Bryant. ‘ Hail Columbia,’ ‘ Yankee Doodle,’ the ‘ Star Spangled Banner,’ and airs of that sort, they left behind them with the other good things of the Union ; and, in spite of every effort, England cannot be persuaded to lend them a little ‘ Rule Britannia.’ Having thus no music in their souls, they are, as SHAKSPEARE says, only fit for treason, rebellion, stratagems, masked batteries, spoils, and knaveries. Now, are we going to relinquish our musical advantage, and lower ourselves to the key of the rebels? Is the Harp of Erin to be hung upon the willows? Is the Teutonic element to indulge only in swellager, and give up its cornets-i-piston? Farfrom it. We might better give up Washington.”

the Herald thus im- |" proves ‘lt hear the

Whether “ Yankee Doodle’ be a “good national tune,” or likely to afford much martial inspiration, is a question upon which we must decline just now to arbitrate. While Brother JonarHan continues in so tetchy a condition, it is better for us neutrals to abstain from mooting matters upon which he may be sensitive; and, for ought we know, the noble air of “ Yankee Doodle” may be accounted in his ears a far sublimer composition than Hanprx, Mzen- DELSSOHN, or BEETHOVEN ever have produced. Leaving the point open then for future ee let us see what is the course suggested by the Herald in case the Federal army be deprived by the economists of the aid of its brass bands :— “* Suppose, then, that we purchase asteam instrument—a mammoth calliope—and do the music forthe army by machinery and wholesale ? | Or if it be objected that it would be difficult to average the melody so that each regiment in line should share it equally, suppose we have a large donkey organ, of the kind used by vagrant attached to each division? These wind instruments might perform during parades when political colonels and brigadiers make buneomibe ora- tions ; and, for hand to hand fights, skirmishes, and scrimmages, hand or double-barrelled organs might be useful. Thar, b’hoys! isn’t that a rare Don’t you feel your buzzums worthy Mister James Gorpow of the New York Herald, tarnation to your foe! “a on blast ! le-squash es ! You ought to raise a statue to your benefactor Benwerr, and crown it with the laarels that you wim im your campaign. Well, certainly, if Mr. Bewnetr’s hint be acted on, it will bring us strong temptation to break through our neutrality, and to supply the Federals with some of these new musical munitions for the war. We should only be too happy to ship them a good cargo of our surplus organ- capoery and would be content to bargain that they never e sent back tous. Ata moderate calculation there must be now in London at least ten thousand of these players whom we very well might spare; and we should have the satisfaction of knowing that their exportation would “do the States some service,” while it certainly would prove of marked advantage to ourselves.

A REGULAR FRENCH BRICK. Herz is one of the best things that Paach has heard for manya day, aud, as good things ever find a place in Punch, its insertion in these columns amatter of course :— saluto,

Encuish Sussects ABRoaD.—Any person who requires evidence of the solici- | tude with which England watches over and protects her subjects, even the meanest of them, in whatever part of the world they ma: , will find it in the following occurrence :—At the last assizes of the Bouches-du-Rhone two English sailors were | tried for murder. The Court appointed M. BourTsrr.ie as advocate to defend them, and they were acquitted. The Consul at Marseilles hastened to Aix to | thank the advocate, and offer him fee, which he deelined to accept, and the Consul left with the two sailors, whom he sent to England. Shortly afterwards, | M. Bovremxe received a case containing the collection of English laws, in five volumes, richly bound, and “The vernment to nition of the talent, zeal, and jects.’ ”"— Messager de Provence. Queen Vicroria’s arms, and the inscription :— M. Martiat Bouter, advoeate at Aix, in recog- disinterestedness, with which he defended its sub- Bravo! M. Bourse! (And bravo! too, Lorp Patmerston !) Ss Once more then GiapstoyE-brought-in Burgundy; the best liquid for moisteni Anglo-French cement. are a Bouteille, you are one of right good stuff. Potaturus te gratissimé your health, Sir: in a bumper of yo are the You are a brick, M. Bouremie. And if you PUNCH.

PROVERBS 4 L4 DUNDREARY, And dedicated, with every respect for that Nobleman’s stupendous stupidity, to Mx. Sotnenn, T. R. H. THERE are as many early birds as were ever caught in the Sea. Too many broths spoil the child. | Cut your mutton according to your dinner-cloth. , When. Love flies out of the window, it’s useless shutting the stable door, Nine tailors make a man look alive, I believe you.

| Here’s your health, Monsieur. Punch looks towards you, Sir. You’re | a jolly good fellow; in fact, a Brick. Une brique réguliére— | quot! quest que c’est que ca? don’t you twig, old cock? Well, | Punch will not attempt to offer a translation of what is untranslateable. But rest assured, Monsieur, that Punch has given you the title that all Englishmen are proudest of, and which a Frenchman should think him- | Self most lueky to obtain. But you are really worthy of the honour, good Monsieur. It is by sueh Bricks as you are that the gulf of nal , eeaee may most surely be bridged over, and the Anglo- J may be most securely built. Bricks like you are the foundation of national good-feeling, and when cemented by the sym- _ pathies of grateful fellow-countrymen form the firmest groundwork for a | most enduring peace. Such acts as yours, Monsieur, and such a recog- nition of them, do more te bri r the hearts of two great | countries than any amount of bunkum oratory and frothy champagne | fraternisations. | The hae 5 who lends a hand to help a British sailor in distress is | deserving of the thanks of every British subject. Our Government has | Slven you its gratitude, Monsieur, and now, the mouthpiece of the | hation—We, Puncu, speak the nation’s thanks.

e the rod, and you’ll have no fish for dinner. Vhen things won’t mend, it’s best to wash your dirty linen at home. Fine feathers butter no parsnips. : Adversity makes us acquainted with strange bed-fellows, but it’s absurd rary against them. } ahd There ’s a silver lining to every cloud—no, no (stuttering, hesitating, correcting himself, and attempting all the while to sneeze), it isn’t that— it’s a coat—of course it is!—there’s a silver liming to every coat, to be sure,—that ’s it! How foolish to ae it was a cloud! Who ever saw a cloud with a silver lining? Ha! ha! By Jove, it might as well have gold facings, a velvet collar, and a star on its breast ! One man may steal a hedge, whilst another mustn’t evenas much as look a gift-horse in the mouth!

A Brandy-Smasher for Teetotallers. Drrvx1ne is fearfully on the increase in America. Our latest tele- graphic intelligence from the Broadway informs us secretly that there Is not a Loafer there now but who has regularly his Quartern. ,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesrvary 22, 1862. j t LILA [47] 4 HD AVM aw - {> a / MAA) i; 7 y I] [ VY i} 4 y M4 LTLLLEL Yj, ) | } / | yf Y]) Mh Sh TTL Ld 77 i} TILL CLIT LL A L£Li // f/ THE WHOLE DUTY OF PROPERTY. | We are told that ‘‘ Property has its duties as well as its rights.” Anenes its various duties, we suppose, may be safely enumerated the legacy-duty, the succession-duty, to say nothing of innumerable Custom-house duties, if Property | — importing its own wines, &c. Another uty is one that your relatives think it incumbent upon them to take of trying to prove you to be a lunatic, if they fancy you are spending more money than in prudence you ought to do, and so UY Lf] WH. 44 G1 /a/ ME, Yj, Uf: My eS e ® Se /, °PaIMAEMS/ 1 > \=_ ~~ OLD SCHOOL. Mr. Grapes (helping himself to another glass of that fine old Madeira). ‘‘Han! WE LIVE IN STRANGE TIMES—WHAT THE DOOCE CAN PEOPLE WANT WITH DRINKING Fountains?” Le are se down the value of your Property. We don’t know so much about “its rights,” | me. | excepting the right that ieee | always of serving on a Jury when summoned, and of giving as many dinners and evening parties, conver. saziones, and pic-nics as it pleases, all of which iy | Sundry rights, we conclude, may be fairly classed | he | under the inviting category of the “rites” of | hospitality. Another of “its rights,” however, | and it is a strong and enviable one, is, so often | as Property gives offence to, or will not comply | with the exacting requests of one inferior in station to himself, to be called “a bloated aristocrat.” For ourselves, we must say, if we had any choice in the matter, that we would sooner any day be “a bloated aristocrat”? than “a bloated democrat,” as we have generally | found the latter to be the most intolerable, and | least tolerating, aristocrat in the world. Judicious and Tender Reproof. | } | } | } | | } Ingenious Child (crying). “Oh! papa, I’ve! hurt my ’ead.” | Clever Papa. “1 see you have, my dear, you’ve knocked an 4 off it.” WHAT ARE THE BISHOPS ABOUT? CLERGYMEN in general are wont to be extremely active in sending round the hat; but in Ireland there appear to be exceptions to the rule, at least if one may judge so by a letter put forth lately by a Dublin paper :— “ Will the inhabitants of Dublin believe what I am about to state? person having a foreign aspect called on me to inquire who had charge of the ruins | of St. Andrew's Church, as he wished to hire our Protestant place of worship for a Circus (!) ; and excused himself b: saying he observed it in the same condition when here twelve months ago. Is it not disgrace sufficient to see such a ruin in our city, without the monstrous insult of a stranger, induced by its lengthened neglect, to proffer money for its use for such a purpose? I would earnestly call the attention | of the committee of management and our parishioners to this circumstance, to save us for the future from such humiliating proposals.” A church in ruins for a twelvemonth! What a splendid theme for clerical petitioners to beg upon! How is it that the parsons have neglected { to lay hold of it? Had it been that funds were needed for a church in® Otaheite, Timbuctoo, or Madagascar, we doubt not Exeter Hall would long ere this have called a meeting, and have poured forth floods of eloquence to demonstrate the pressing nature of the claim. But Dublin—pooh! the Dublinites may take care of themselves. Let | their churches go to ruin, and their parsons go in rags. Ireland of | course is much too near at home to be seen by Exeter Hall, with its far-sighted philanthropy. ‘ And so, in a country where the Catholics abound, the Protestants are suffered to see their church in ruins. How the Porz’s Brass Band must joy to sound a note of exultation at the fact! For who can well expect to see conversions to a faith that thus allows its temples to fall into decay? It has long been a stigma upon Protestants in general, that while they beautify their houses they leave their churches bare. But worse still is the odium reflected on the body by the fact of churches left to fall about its ears. Whether or no, the “ Committee of Management” be faulty in the case of St. Andrew’s, Punch knows not. But whoever be to blame, Punch, as a true Protestant, must here record his protest against another twelvemonths being let to pass, without steps being taken to prevent the chance of offers to make a foreign circus of a British church. Yesterday a | ADVICE TO THE CHARLESES OF CuARLESTOWN.— Why don’t you engage Degrroor to run the blockade for you, for he has the reputation of A SUBLIME SULTAN. His Majesty the Emprror or Morocco is raising a loan in London, | by virtue of a treaty concluded with Her Majesty the QuEEN, through his Majesty’s Plenipotentiary, commissioned by a warrant which bears the Empzror’s royal signet, and begins thus :— “ In the name of God, the merciful and clement! There is no strength or power but in God, the most high and mighty! Be it known by this our letter, elevated and protected by God, and luminous as the sun and moon, that we have, by the help of God, granted to our employed, the Honourable Haps ABDERRAHMAM-EL- Avsee, full power and authority to conclude with’ the Minister, Mr. Joun Hay Drum™onp Hay, the convention, and to treat with the merchant, Lewis Forpe, regarding the arrangements relative to the loan of $2,000,000 to be advanced by the | British capitalists.” The fore going anticlimax beats “In the name of the Prophet—figs !” | A Yankee, ‘however, who worships the dollar, would not perhaps see the drop. The instrument above quoted reads like the edict of some such a sovereign as CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS. It is worded in bom- bast which must be ascribed to some absurd minister, or would indicate the Emperor or Morocco to be a most leatherheaded monarch. | Fancy a rational creature callin his letter “luminous as the sun Impossible ! As being able to run anything ? and moon.” oRD DunpREARY would say—“ The Emrwa or Mowocco must be a lunatic.” Approaching Union. WE understand that Lorp Bayswater is shortly to be united to the | lovely Miss KenstneTon, whose enormous wealth be made a public | exhibition of shortly after the two have been made one. All good wishes follow this happy union, which we confess, has been too. long’ deferred. As much as £35,000 will be spent, we understand, in bringing the two | together. This is great extravagance at their first starting in life, but | we trust that the fair couple, in spite of it, will be able eventually to make both ends meet. COMMON JUSTICE. Tue Government intend to provide the means for making the new road to the International Exhibition, out of the duties on Coal. Surely they must ow give his baronetcy to “ Coxz, C.B.” Kieptomania.—Aristocratic prigging. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, U Woburn Place, and sere, at their Office in Lom aoe in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the don.—Saturpar, February 22, ! Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Wes i ity of Londoa, and Published Queen’s Road Regent’s Park, both in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in the City of

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Manon 1, 1862,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. \\ \\ \\\ \ \ \ \ \ AY OAD SHUN \\S SEN | before Lorp Puncu, who will sit in Ire if any sham claim be brought | forward, and will give his pnaeens right slap off. : ; Tn following Correspondence has passed between Lorps Puncu| , Z#at by way of slightly discouraging any sham claims or unjust and Wxsrsury upon the subject of the Reform in Conveyancing :— _| defences, it be understood that when Lorn Puncu shall have decided va ’ : : against any person, the Counsel who argued the loser’s case shall be My pEeaR WEsTBURY, “ Fleet Street, Feb. 18. | disbarred, the Attorney flogged, and the Party transported. “T wave read your Speech, and it is a very good one. Ido|. Z#aé as fast as Lonp Puncu decides a case, the Title to the Property | not think so well of your Bill, because it is not a regular Root-and- | in question shall be considered as finally settled. : Brancher. I suppose, however, that it is the strongest which you| 4a? all Property shall be catalogued, with the owner’s name, by the think the Titled Obstructives and the Certificated Attorneys will allow | active and intelligent gentlemen who are now cooking the International | to pass. So you may as well go on with it. Catalogue, and that this second edition of Domesday Book shall be | But if it be defeated, something else must be done for the unhappy | Printed at Mr. Punch’s office, and sold at the rate of Fifty Guineas per nd, | copy, and that every attorney, counsel, and landowner in the. kingdom “Just look at the following draft of a Bill which I have prepared. If | shall be bound to take a copy, under penalty of the confiscation of his ou think it will do, I shall lay it on the table in the event of your Bil] | certificate, wig, or property respectively. eing rejected, That this Act shall apply to Everywhere. : “ As for Cranny’s two, and CHEtMsrorp’s two, and any others that| Z#a¢ Lorp Puncn shall apply his déton to Everybody who raises may be poked before us, be good enough, as Major-domo, to tell the | @4y difficulty or cavil in the premisses. aundress to light our smoking-room fire with them. REPLY “The I, “ " Ever yours, - “My pear Poncu, “ Court of Chancery, Feb, 20. e Lorp Westsury. Puncu. ‘. “Tam am tie hed = speech. ge think ot = i i — |a good one. I should have liked to put in a little more pepper for the Bill ney winded > ee) sah gene = Bd - | Pumps, but there is nothing like ‘ewility. If they defeat my Bill, I that buying and selling may be easy. > | pledge myself to support yours, which I can only say is Beautiful, and RBihereas the present system of Conveyancing is kept up for the sake that I would be Pusch if I were not His faithfully, of enriching a pack of Lawyers. “ Th ata as “e ” c Hotiesy ‘ é Lorp Pouncn. WEsTBURY. nv CBihereas it is time that the aforesaid system of plunder should | cease, af — pa Lit(terary Intelligence. “ , : : . United oe ot “se aang fasion parchment in the | Ir the Chief Rabbi had an “Index Expurgatorius” as well as the That the Possessors of Property on that day be declared by Parlia- | POPE, we naturally conclude that such works as the following would ent to have a perfectly good Title to the property they Possess, | be included amongst its prohibitions :—Hoee, Bacon, and Fenwick except as next mentioned. >! pe Porquet. That any person who claims anybody else’s property shall give notice | 0 that effect before the Ist June, and that his right shall be tried | Imacinary Brrtnpiace or DeErroot?—Cape Race. VOL. XLNe . K

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHA DT rul VARI. [Maron 1, 1862, —-——_., | in his pare PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EBRUARY 17, Monday. “ReGistER! register! re- gister!” cried the late Sm Rosert to the terri- torial aristocracy. So crieth the late Sir Ricu- ARD, now Lorp WEst- BURY, to the land owners, and those who wish to be declared such. To-night his Lordship introduced the Conveyancing Reform | Bill. Having to expound the necessity for the Bill, and its character, to an audience of coronets, the Chancellor had to be very lucid indeed, and to ex- plain himself in the broad fashion nm which Prores- sor Farapay lectures the | Juveniles in Albemarle Street. In consequence, the attorney-mind has been promptly down upon him, and a Head Attorney, who should, considering his sition, have a little a intellect, has actu- ally pretended to believe that one of the greatest and keenest lawyers in England did not know as much about Feoffment as Mr. Pau, CuequeRBeNT himself would have been able to state at his examination in the Head Attorney’s own hall in Wickedness Lane. It wonld have been as reasonable to allege that because Farapay would probably tell the young ladies and gentlemen that the earth is rownd, he does not know that it is flattened at the poles. The attack is valuable, as showmg the spirit in which attorneyism is eager to deal with Conveyan- cing Reform, but is it not a short-sighted policy on the part of the small lawyers? Surely it is better to try and multiply jobs, as the making conveyancing reasonably cheap will do, than to cling to the old system, which enriches a few aristocratic pets like Mx. TULKINGHORN, | but which prevents thousands of clients from having anything to do with the purchase of land. Lorp WEstBury proposes, as hath been intimated, a Three-Fold Registration. ‘The attor- neys say that if they had three ears they’d hear him, but the longitude rather than the number of their ears is illustrated in their resistance to his Bill. He wishes to establish :— 1. A Registry of out-and-out Good ‘Titles. 2. A Registry of Titles that will be out-and-out good if they are let alone long enough 3. A Registry of Mortgages and Incumbrances, the Duplicates, as it were, which show that hard-up Territorial Aristocrats have been to their Uncle. Some letters of Count Cavour’s have lately | been surreptitiously published. The object is a | French one, and it is to help Ratazzt as against | Ricasoxt. In these letters Cavour states that Lorpd CLARENDON gave him strong assurances | that England would take an active part for Italy. Lorp CLARENDON stated to-night that he did | nothing of the kind. If the two noblemen talked bad French, we might arrive at a solution which | would leave blame only upon their respective |instructors in the Frénch tongue, but this could not be the case, and we can only suppose that CraReNpDon talked with his cigar in = mouth, | and Cavour interpreted the puffs his own way, Sm Gerorce Grey informed us that the Bishops have invented a plan for improving Church Discipline, but that he had not had time to read it, cal therefore could not say whether it would do. Mr. Cowper declined letting car. riages on to the gravel walk from Bayswater, through the Gardens, to the Tron Gates, but pro- mised his Bill for thenewroad directly. He kept his word. Mk. Bricut and Lorp Patmerston then had their first fight on the American question. Mr. Brieut had no complaint against the Foreign | Office, but was exceedingly wrath at the demon. | stration with whieh our demand for Mason and |Stapect had been accompanied. He likened | Pam to one who should send a polite note to another, “at the same time sending a man of ;portentous strength, handling a gigantic club, and making every kind of Ferocious Gesticuls- tion.” He said that the Americans intended | from the first to do what was right, and that our | Government knew it, and ought not to have larmed. To the which Pam responded that he not only knew nothing of the kind, but that every act of the American Government and the | American people proved the contrary, that le |had simply done his duty in showing that we meant to stand no nonsense, and that he attr buted the result to our having made that demon. stration. Mr. Brieut was therefore Shut Up, and divers war and navy estimates were voted. | Tuesday. Exhausted by the intellectual exer- | tion of the preceding evening, the Lords sat but {an hour and a-half. They listened to Eani RussE.t’s explanation that one Saver, 4 The mode in which the Registration is to be effected is mere matter of detail, as the man | Briton, who had been temporarily locked up by in the farce says of the question whether the Bill he.has accepted so readily will be paid or not. en, All deeds are to be printed, Lorp Westsury, with a fine sense of human nature, observing that this will marvellously abbreviate them, for though an attorney may not hesitate to hand over pound after pound of waste-paper covenants and provisoes and rubbish to a tallow-faced law-stationer to engross, even attorneyism would recoil from the idea of printing and editing such Bosh. The Com- positor has been found to shorten Chancery pleadings in a wonderful manner. Next,— Deeds may be as short as they used to be in the good old times, which the lovers of recedent are bound to admire. There lies before Mr. Punch at this moment a ingy little deed of the time of Rionarp THE Tutrp (who was killed in Pomfret Castle, Mr. Cox, and who afterwards gained the name of Caur pr Lion, because his wife Puiirra sucked the poison from a wound he received at Naseby), and this—of which he can read one word only, namely, d#o—contains nineteen lines and conveys ninety acres of first-rate Gloucestershire land. Let us, Lorp Dersy, go back to the customs of the good days—what would your respected ancestress, JOAN DE ALDITHLEY, have said to a marriage settlement on tweuty-nine skins—do you not think that high-spirited young lady would have made that number thirty, by adding the wretched attorney’s to the lot ? But there is nothing compulsory in the matter. Ifa man has the sense to let his title be examined - first class authority, and certified to be good, he may, but if he has ugly holes uments, or benevolently prefers to go on making the fortunes of the TuLKING- HORNS, there is no enactment to prohibit his wisdom or folly from having full play. And that is Lorp Westsuxy’s Bill, for the which Mr. Punch, in the interest of Common Sense and Common Honesty, begs to thank him. Whether the attorneys will let their obedient servants, the Territorial Aristocracy, pass the Bill, remains to be seen. Lorp Sr. Lzonarps sees objections, Lorn CranwortTH cannot understand the measure, Lorp | CHELMS¥oRD wants to send it, with two Bills of his own and two of Lorp Cranwortna’s, to a Select Committee, and we know what that means. But the Lords have, in the language of ALEXANDER Pops, (the same as PorpE ALEXANDER, you know, Mr. Cox) “ heard BerwHeEwt’s sermon,” and Mr. Punch, again, and with equally exquisite fitness, quoting the same poet, will add,— “* Let lands and houses have what Lords-they will, Let us be fixed, and our own masters still.” | Mr. Sewarp, had not much of a case for con- |pensation. SHAVER’s memorial is therefore 1 | tabula Rasa. Then came the CHANCELLOR’ explanation that somehow the unfortunate lower .| Officials of the late Insolvent Court had been! reduced to great distress by a wrong interprets | tion of the New Act, and that he did not see | how the poor fellows were to be helped. The }ease is an excessively hard one, at if these officials had been in loftier station, some meats of doing them justice would have been dis ‘covered long ago. Mr. Punch strongly advises their being assisted in some way, even out o the Suitors’ Fund. Finally, it appears that a | Manchester, Leeds, and elsewhere, some sel sufficient Idiots meet, call themselves Commit |tees on Foreign Affairs, and sit up all nigit | the members alternately relieving one another 0! eourse, and watching over the world in general | ‘This would be harmless, if their wives don’t mini it, and if the foolish persons did not trouble tle public with their absurdities. But two of thes | Committees have sent documents to the Lorts stating that the Americans were quite right the Zren¢ business, and setting out other niaist- ries, which they desired Lorp Dersy to |i i before the Peers. He said that he had told the memorialists that they were donkeys, but they begged him, nevertheless to present their pelt tions, which he did. Proceed we to the Commons, where the 1 posing ceremony of which our Cox had give notice was solemnly performed. } Cox. Does Lorp Patmerston mean to britt ‘in a Reform Bill?—Pam. No. ee

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Marcu 1, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 83 The House ry The Star says that it is “the fashion to laugh | might at a black Pipe of tobacco, so strong that the promenade beside | at Mr. Cox,” and as the House of Commons is of course dressed to/| the line was a Valley of Incense. While such chivalry is displayed, who | the last political Ze Follet, the result was inevitable. __ desires a change ? Sim Gzorce Lewis means to bring in a Bill for making short work} Mr. Macurre and Sir Rosset Pex had another duel, under pre- | with soldiers who shoot their officers. Mr. Scuxty brought ina Bill, | tence of discussing the question whether distress exists in Ireland. | in which there is really some sense, to enable land-owners in Ireland to| Various Irish Members eagerly became seconds. The House seemed raise money on debentures charged on the land. Mz. Henry Hersert | to think that there was distress, but that it arose from natural causes, does not think that Irish proprietors need more assistance to raise and that there was far more in England, where it is not the custom money. Mr. ’ADPIELD that legislature was “running wild” on| to come begging to Parliament upon every possible occasion. Jand subjects, but he.did not propose to’ang hanybody thisevening. The| Lorp Patmerston made a little speeeh which will be read all over member of whom Sheffield need sof be ashamed, brought in a ill for} Europe, to the delight of sundry parties. He said that im almost suppressing the Fraudulent Imitationof Trade-Marks, a system whereby | every part of Italy, and especially in Rome, there had been a strong a foreigner is into , for instance, a wretched Brummagem | manifestation of desire that Rome should be the capital of Italy, and steel article the idea that it is made by Turton, or some equally | that the temporal poner of the Porgz should cease. The QuxEEN’s celebrated manufacturer. Government also take up the subject, and it| Government, he added, had taken no part in regard to that feeling. ought to be an Egg which the Pythoness of Parliament will not Addle. | Perhaps not ; but we should like to hear CaRpivaL ANTONELLI on the With a gratification not usually experienced by Mr. Punch when | question whether such a statement by the Premier of England was Ji the Parliamentary i, delicate oe an insignificant aid to the consolidation of opinion on the subject. Of course Pam meant nothing of the kind, and of ° course Napotzon tHE Turrp and Pius THE Last will comprehend A nent, | this. Mr. Puch would deeply r any misunderstanding. and, as Mr. C. Foraxsour said, performed heroic acts which practically} Mr. Cowrwr said that he could do nothing to abate the nuisance added territories to the British Crown, and provided a space for new| called Leicester Square _and then brought in his Bill for the New colonies. ‘T mpane mone anderwent.s.aiew martyrdom, compared to| Road. The Members did not seem interested in the matter, and which the of the i ith his bleod on fire, and his courage | actually divided in insufficient force to make a House, the two ‘sides | cheered by the ionship of his comrades and the excitement of | making but 29. Mr. Bernat Osnorne had been emitting some geod battle, are small matters. Australia can never forget their names, nor | jokes against the Bull, and as the assembly broke up, remarked, “ Well, hould England. by Jove, if the Minister can’t cut a road, the House can cut a-way.” s We bg, tip , who is a grievance-monger, brought on | = ne es for a ill for ending an awful grievanee—the law that x pemone.# I to ty ag og mast Sree eee theg will — “ THESE YOUNG FOLKS.” use is ruin o ngland. ‘a J XS goin Sees E 5 P seemed to think such a declaration a mighty bul-| important than ova tht sf the Puancios Aue, Yom sound ae tan Siz Gzorce Grey smiled somewhat contemp- | date. The Paixce or Watts is likely, we understand, to make choice of a Danish on ae Side a he en eee Ma nin | itiaded who i aid to be ponsessod of great Poronalataatione in the course rr) ° presen ur.” beloved aunt, Leviticus, Hamlet, woman’s senti- ; . : : ments destruction of conjugal confidence, habits of | To the above interesting paragraph, in the columns of a well-informed | Jews, Tacrrus, the House of Lords, room ng on marriage, the late | contemporary, Mr. Punch will only append the remark that he has very Bisuor oF DugHam, colonial practices, prohibited degrees, and all the | 00d maps, but cannot make out that Denmark is exactly in the road | rest of it. ‘he best point made was, that the law of England declares | to Jerusalem, and that it has been authoritatively stated, probably | your sister-in-law to be a Relation, if you want to marry her, but no without the least reason, that the Prince will return through the | relation if you want to leave her a legacy, but a Stranger in Blood, and | Tuileries. Perhaps, however, this may bear upon the fact. Mr. Punch therefore charged by the law with a heavy legacy duty. The Second has written to Lorp Cow Ley, in the words of Polonius :— Reading was carried by 144 to 133. “« Inquire me now what Danskers are in Paris.” Thursday being the anniversary of the Coronation of Kine Epwarp pene ng Som, or whe nr Xmen” gy ny Pre Deg zanenens. - e Commons a Second Time, by 142 to 39, a Bill for dealing with “Place aux Dames!” the disused St. Giles’s Burial Ground. The Pancras Vestry had been vig ‘ ‘ : making a row against the Bill, which nearly convinced Mr. Punch that | ,, Tue French weer always exclaiming with the utmost heartiness, | it was a proper Bill, and the conviction was completed by a few words | _,?/ace aur Dames’” Not less heartily do we join in the exclamation. | from Mr. Masszy. Mr. C, ForTEscug announced that the glorious | But how comes it then, we wish to know, that whereas they, in ad- | story about the gold in British Columbia had not been exaggerated—| dressing an audience, always say, “ Messieurs et Mesdames,” we, with the gold lies about in heaps—but the difficulty is getting to the place, | ® gallantry that not even the greatest snob ever deviates from, make a which lies a long way from the Fraser River. FRrasEr’s Pan are | point invariably of vine Ladies and Gentlemen?” The truth is, | awant in the colony. Wicked Gloucester and wicked Wakefield, so the French are exceedingly clever at theorising, but the English, far long hung up, pro criminibus, are again to be trusted with elections ; | Cleverer than they (Aem/), always beat them most handsomely in and it is wittily suggested, that the electors will demand two years’ | tying their theories into practice. — ° wag 8 bribes which have pom wiphent on a oo XOBERT Pert brought in a Bill for istration of Births and Deaths e in Ireland. The aaies are to work it; but even Per. and the Peelers ita WEEE FSC TES “WOM, f are afraid to attempt a registration of Irish marriages. Mx. HENNESSEY From statistical returns it appears that all the exports from Mexico, said the most ferocious thing against his countrymen that we have ever | except one, have considerably increased of late years. That one, which Commit heard. He declared that Sir R. PEEL was unpopular in Ireland chiefly on the contrary shows a great falling off, 1S Logwood. 5 A simultaneous nicht because he had taken the head of the Cranhabalery vith him on his late | decrease has taken place in the consumption of Port wine. othe dm ,_9f eb roe, Timon ast bo eter ios or erage; b ano ¢ prefer believing tha . Hennessey is a gentleman with a salta- , eo tory mind, but one that leaps to wrong conclusions. All Ultramontanes’ Day. ouble the Friday. There i Volunteer Revi i Tue Pore has invited all his Bishops throughout the world to attend » of these IE Easter Nonday, rg hes AoE goes ny + ago the Lager the at a canonisation to take place at Rome in Ter: when the prelates command on that oceasion (for Volunteer officers, though the ladies very | ™ay take an opportunity of assenting to the last new dogma of the | properly regard them as Angels, are really but Men), aaa have | mviolability of the temporal sovereignty. May !—that may be too late. | asked Lorp Crypx, who is a Volunteer and something else, to be the| Le Roman difficulty may be solved by that time. Holiness | Commander. Jones THE AVENGER, otherwise and favourably known | Should issue cards for the first of April. as Lory Rane taGH, has hastened to signify his entire approval of the ~~ which Eart DE Grey announced this evening. £15 wep ass anne” oe bye nok 30 ph gles pe for amending ¢ el oe We have often heard a person accused of the above malady, what- cal Gardens a Sunday or so back, and had seen the long line of | °¥eT it may be, and we suppose that such a form of lunacy takes place abs waiting to receive those who had been to leave their cards on the | Wen,@ harum-scarum young fellow runs through his property “like | jthoness. He would have been struck with the delicate attention |™4: and his reason, as well as his property, thereby becomes four- - ich the gallant cabmen were preparing for their lady employers, |/¢¢“¢ /— (Good gracious ') oot-tins could not be procured, but it was a cold day, and inside every cab (its windows carefully closed) sat the driver, smoking with all his Tue, Roman Catuoxrtc Correct.—S8t. Peter’s Pence.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARY. [Maron 1, 1862, nn \ TUT TAWA ETT =e ae Ad ill HARRY TAKES HIS COUSINS TO SEE THE HOUNDS MEET. Enter Mamma and Aunt ELLEN. Mamma (to Old Woman). “Pray, HavE you MET Two LaDIEs AND A GENTLEMAN ?” Old Woman. “ Wett, I mer TurEe Peorte—Bvt, ta! THERE, I can’t TeLL LabDIes FROM GENTLEMEN NOW-A-DAYS—WHEN J Was A Gat, &c. &c.” “ A WARNING TO WESTBURY.” Pavsg, pause, my Lorp WestsuRy, ’ere you are lost— Think twice ’ere you press your Bill, To | the wings of Land-transfer’s cost, And disable conveyancers’ skill. A Bill, which if passed, will take title to Land From that region of fruitful doubt, Where under the nursing attorney’s hand, Quirk-crops and quibble-crops golden stand, And with flails of conveyancing counsel bland Are in nourishing fees thrashed out. A Bill our legal fleecers to fleece, And flay off their parchment skins ; That to limbo eonsigns ancient Lease and Release, Bids Satisfied Terms depart in peace, To Fines and Recov’ries brings sad surcease, And of Trusts and Covenants nips the increase. And “queries” and “ searches” thins! What were his fate, who a hornet’s swarm Should assail, without brimstone’s aid ? Or his, who should thrust his unguarded arm In a knot of rattle-snakes, coiling warm, To yours, who, defiantly, sound the alarm To the lawyers’ black brigade ? *Tis war to the knife, and no quarter given, Till either the other kills : The North and the South have savagely striven, But mild is the malice with which they ’re riven, Compared to the hate that the feud will leaven *T'wixt yours and the lawyer’s Bills. * And who is it,” they “Il ask, “who dares encroach On our snug ring-fenced fee farm ? : No stranger—but one at whose welcome approach, As he rolled to our gates in his Chancery-Coach, Fattest calves we ’ve slain, set best liquor abroach— *Tis 4e who would work us harm!” "NOH TAT XMVVInNWIWeTiiw 7 nd1WIyr The sweetest wine—’tis a fact well known— Doth to sourest vinegar turn : The hatreds of lovers proverbial have grown ; Of all rows, a husband’s with bone of his bone— Of all wars, those with folks of one blood with our own— Are still those that most fiercely burn. Then think what a strife this Bill will breed, *T wixt you and the Limbs of the Law! You a priest of their own most orthodox creed, Who ’ve practised their myst’ry—word and deed— You, whose bag. they have filled, and whose clerk they have eed, You, who know their each fence, and each flaw ! “* He who gives us this fall is one, whom our trips We taught—how to grip and to guard: We pickled the rods and we plaited the whips, And furnished the knotty points to the tips Which he plies on legal small ribs and hips— We are hoised by our own petard ! ” Oh, lawyers’ revenge is a terrible thing! So let Westsury have a care ! —

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he = / WN Se ‘981 ‘I HUVN—TUVAINVHO NOGNOT SHL YO ‘HONDa \y % f 7] ii iy WV LAl > if g 5 — a2 | & ae | > a ee omen 7 = es) - | iS | a ae) met | 7 © Z Libs

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| Brovew for the neat and pretty | tasteful | stale aad ae nigger songs, which surely have by this time been ; care to the smartness of his s Maron 1, 1862.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 87 I know not yet when or how they ’ll bring heir “‘ odivm causidicum’s” vitriol sting, _ From their vials of wrath on your wig to fling— But I know that the vials are there ! In my mind’s eye prophetic I see a sight, That doth more my soul appal P That e’en Bisnor Harro’s terrible plight ; When the rats assailed him from left and from right,” By tens, scores, hundreds and thousands—till flight as out of the question, they plugged him so tight, And eat him, robes, mitre and all! To the woolsack I see my Lonp Westsvry stuck, Like a drowning man clasped to a board, Vain all his attempts to dodge or to duck From the Lzcat Rats that leap round, in a ruck, At his robes and the body beneath them to pluck, Till they ’ve served him exactly as schoolboys serve “ tuck,” And no vestige is left of my Lord ! OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. NDROMEDA, my dear Pwach, as every schoolboy knows has in that well-thumbe little volume, the Gradus ad Parnassum, the epithets applied to her of ‘ pulchra’ onl ‘formosa ;’ and I think these adjectives may fit- tingly be given to the Andromeda now acting at 1 the St. James’s theatre. 24 Besides her personal attrac- Mee tions, Miss HerBert has, moreover, the somewhat rarer gift of knowing how to walk and talk somewhat like a lady, even when assuming a part in a bur- lesque ; and does not think it needful to lay aside all 4 grace, in order to bring out the humour of her part. Whether her example be infectious, I know not; but it is certain that the piece in which she is now acting is played without a trace of 4 coarseness or vulgarity, and freedom from these blots is not so common as it should be in the acting of bur- lesques. Ears and eyes the most fastidious and delicately sensitive may find an hour or so’s amusemeut in Perseus and Andromeda, without the | slightest risk of their annoyance by the faintest shadow of offence. “ For this commendable result not the actors merely, but the author must be thanked; and I here record my gratitude to Mr. Witiiam e his fancy has suggested, and the way in which he has worked his subject out. Steering clear of death, he has introduced some pleasant operatic music; and though somewhat more prolific in puns than I could wish, he has as some do, the clearness of his story by too exclusive ) talk. Then, again, great pains have been given by the management to getting up the piece; and although no pults are published in the playbill as to who devised the dresses, what great genius made the properties, and who fitted up the gas, the mounting is throughout both pretty and appropriate, and nothing is left wanting to win deserved success. Though not, perhaps, so striking as the last scene in J jon, the final group is very charmingly arranged ; while, for suddenness of change and picturesqueness of effect, the petrifaction of Greek soldiers by the showing of Medusa’s head, has rarely in my memory been equalled in burlesque. “ Kine Frank Marraews Potypgctes is a most amusing monarch, and the sole with which he sings his ‘ Great Sensation’ bass to Mr. Cuarues Puryevs’s ‘ 1’d Choose to be a Daisy’ tenor, is a thing to make one split. less entertaining is his tender and then terrible demeanour to poor Danaé, whose sharp words Mrs. Marrnews delivers with great pomt. Somehow these ol — make a joke go er than most young ones now know how to do. And somehow, some old farces are more sure to make one laugh than in general the new ones are. I saw that capital one, the Boarding School, a few days before Christmas, and again the other night, and I was as much amused the last time as I was the first. Trashy as in some respects assuredly it is, it always seems to me a piece that actors must enjoy and act with real relish, because they feel assured it will be relished by the house. What goes on at a girl’s school any man must like to | know ; and to see a lot of school-girls at their lessons or their romps must surely be amusing to eyes of either sex. And when Mrs. Frank MarTtTHEws assumes the post of teacher, and has such pretty pupils as Miss Herpert and Karte Terry, a peep into her school-room is surely worth one’s while. “ The new drama here, Self-Made, I have not yet found time to see. | That at the Princess’s is also ‘ taken from the French,’ and it were no | great loss to us if they had kept it to themselves. To personify the | Angel of Death upon the stage may be pleasing to a French taste, but jis revolting to an English one; and a play where this is done, no Tho upon our purer -. I am not thin-skinned, and not affected easily by seeing sudden deaths in melodrame, or gruesome ghastly ghosts. But to | matter how well mounted, I hope will never become. popular personate an angel is to my mind most objectionable, and becomes almost profanity when the object is to serve a low dramatic purpose, and excite a grim sensation by some highly spiced effects. There are angels in a play by SuaksPEARg, it is true; but they are presented merely in a vision, and are not brought forward to chatter and make jokes. Death is a thing too sacred to be dealt with on the stage in gross material shape. It Some the holiest feelings in our nature to see such subjects coarsely handled, and merely imtroduced to give a spurious effect. Such things are not fit to be ted coram populo, even though it may be done with the profoundest reverence, and not, as in this French play, in a manner low and coarse. To see the Destroying Angel decked in protean disguises: coming on in one scene as a pertish lawyer’s-clerk, and in the next as a smart quick-tongued beauty in a ball-room, anon dressed in squalid rags as an old hag in a |duel-scene, and next assuming wedding raiment amd a bridesmaid’s wreath ; to witness this excites no reverence, and savours of profanity, and can but tend to make people disgusted with the stage. _ “The management of the Princess’s is in general so careful in selec- tion of its pieces, and so sedulously anxious to avoid giving offence, that I cannot but regard the production of this play as an accidental slip. For the credit of the theatre, I most sincerely hope to see no more such accidents ; while for the credit of the audience I trust that the applause which I heard the other evening may be accorded simply to the really good up-getting, and not to the bad piece. It is a pity, to my thinking, to see so much good scenery wasted on a drama of such extreme bad taste; and it is only kindness to speak harshly of | such errors as the Angel of Midnight, so as, if it may be, to prevent | the repetition of what must serve to bring discredit on a theatre, and | lower the high standing of the English stage. * One wo Pays.” HOAX ON THE SERIOUS PAPERS. THe Bisnor or Exeter has not hitherto been very popular in the Hall which is synonymous with his diocese, but if a erp pe para- graph may be trusted, the name of Henry Purtrorts will be received there at some of the approaching May meetings with immense applause. For the Reverenp Juan Younes, of Torquay, a short time since, got £15 15s, for the Torbay Infirmary, by ing at the request of the Managers of that Charity, the play of Hamlet at the Mechanics’ Institute. It is stated that the Brsaor or Exeter has therefore pro- hibited Mr. Youne from preaching in his diocese. This is too good mews for Mawworm, Sricerns, CuapBanp anp Co., to be true. Tue Bisnor or Exeter has himself read Hamlet, so as to know in what respect it differs from Tom and Jerry, and is aware that SHAKSPEARE was a respectable writer. The truth is probably just the reverse of what is stated. The Bishop, most likely, went to hear Mz. Youne read SHAKSPEARE, and was so pleased with his delivery of the text that he has preferred him to a living, so as to enable him to exemplify Hamlet's advice on the subject of elocution in the pulpit. Good at Fielding~and at Hitting. I» the immortal conversation, in oat Andrews, between Parson Adams and the grumbling and vengeful Peter Pounce, everybody must remember this bit :— “You will pardon me, Sir,” returned the Parson, “I have read of the Gynno- sophists. «A plague of your Jehosaphats,” cried Perer. ‘‘ The greatest fault in our Con- stitution is the provision made for the poor~except that made for some others. Sir, I have not an estate,” &c. The Bisnor or Satissvry is a well-read man. Did the above scrap come into his head when he was meekly listening to Mz. Rozsuck ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —— [Marcu 1, 1862,

—= W tN A NONCOMPOPE. Tue Pore keeps answering every reasonable requisition with Non possumus. Would not his Holiness with greater

INFANT’S WINE BILL. A Comic action came on the other day in the Court of Common Pleas. This was Rose and Another 7. Hoor, brought to recover £204 11s. 6d., a balance of £2776 for wines and spirits supplied between | the 15th July, 1859, and the 21st June, 1861, by the plaintiffs, liquor- | merchants in Oxford Street, to the defendant, a young man who has lately come into property. Mr. Serseant Parry and Mr. Woop appeared for the plaintiffs, whose interests may be represented as it were in the Woop, though Parry, one would think, might have been more eres retained for the defence. The defendant’s counsel were Mr. Huppieston and Gartu, of whom it may be sufficient to remark, that if the former of those gentlemen, instead of being Hup- DLESTON, had been Fupp.eston, Mr. Gartu would have had a senior nominally better qualified to lead him in defending an action for a heavy tipple-bill. According to the report of this interesting case :— “ A good deal of discussion took place between counsel, and it was stated that there was a plea of infancy wpon the record, and therefore the question whether this quantity of wine was necessary for an infant might arise.” Mr. Justice Bytes directed this question to be referred. Of course. No British Judge woul venture hastily to pronounce what quantity of wine might be necessary for an infant. If the child is the father of the man, the quantity of wine which the child should drink must bear some relation to that which the man will be able to stand. That man for instance, may be a Judge. In that case he will walk steady an keep a clear head with twice as much liquor inside of him as would make an ordinary person drunk and incapable. The infant destined to the ermine will accordingly be able to suck in a considerably a allowance of wine than most other infants, and remain sober asa Judge. There is no knowing what infants will turn out, and therefore no saying exactly how much drink may be necessary for any pe ae one. The Band of Hope would decide that no amount of wine is necessary for any infant; but whilst this must be regarded as—a-wild AN

opinion, moderate men will admit that £776 worth of intoxicating | fluid in two years is rather too much for any infant but an infant | Baccuus.

Rome and Dahomey. | Tue Krxe or Danomey has been invited by the British Govern- | ment io discontinue his “grand custom” of annually celebrating human sacrifices. His Majesty declines to accede to the demands of modern progress and civilisation. He will no more consent to give up his “ grand custom” than the Pops will agree to resign his claim to govern a people who disowns him. The Kine or Danomey makes the immolation of his subjects a matter of religion, and his answer to the envoys who have besought him to give it up amounts to Won possumus.

} A NEW STAMP ACT. } Tue Bill to amend the law relating to the fraudulent marking of | merchandise should contain a clause providing that the employer of a | false trade-mark should himself be marked with a true brand, as | deserters are with the letter D, and bear about him the indelible impres- | sion of a broad R. |

HEIGHO! BACCHE! Conswwerine (as L. N. would say) that the greatest and grandest | fuss at the International Exhibition has been made about the Drinks | for the public, it is not surprising that the first contribution should be | from Liserta, i. e., in honour of Baccnus—alias Liper. [Cox, M.P., called and saw this in type, and we had so much trouble | in making him understand that Baccuus was called Liser @ liberando, | and that Liperra had a similar origin, that we had a good mind not to | print the above, only the raph just fits this corner of the page. | He wanted us to print it Lideerier, and put the joke in italics.)

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Marcu 1, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 89 : = THE PENNY-A-LINER’S CYCLOPADIA, AND PARAGRAPH-MAKER'S COMPANION. Usper the above title, it is the intention of Mr. Punch to issue, at ch dates as may suit himself, pe writing and hard readi » @ work which, in the present reading, seems to him to be equally req e of by tl poueas of both arts. "i proposes that the work shall appear in double columns, and that e on the | shall be given to that clas s of composition which is known as Newspaper apy toe ga on the right he will give the interpretation ng into the QUEEN’s Subseri notice will be taken of them. ? names may be sent to 85, Fleet Street, and no further SPECIMEN. Penny-a-Lining, . A person rejoicing in the eogno- men of Smrru. Who lives not a thousand miles from Brixton. Great excitement was occasioned throughout the entire district of Marylebone by a report that— Employment will be given to’ gentlemen of the long robe. The ant, Lothario had The devouring element extended its ravages to the adjacent edifire. The fortheoming racing meeting is a most engrossing topic of con- versation among the racing fra- ternity. The audience manifested their 5 gee of the effort made for their entertainment by frequent and hearty plaudits. The commodious erection for the accommodation of the vaccine at- tendants at the market was yester- day inaugurated. The performance of the National Anthem brought a delightful eve- ning to an appropriate termination. The worthy Magistrate, who seemed horrorstruck at the revolt- ing details which were presented to his attention, addressed the prisoner in the most impressive manner. Finally the electric wire flashed the welcome message that we had not to chronicle an addition to the records of railway ties. One of those gratifying ré-unions which tend so happily to diversify the relations between employers employed, was wit: on uesday, when the well known hostelry at Highgate, under the charge of “ mine host,” Mr. Bur- LY, opened its hospitable doors, &c. Mr. Tweep.e eliminated fresh beauties from this song. A project, originating in the in- ventive talent of Mn Wi1aAM Syooxs, of Poplar, has been ven- tilated, and may tend to the faci- litating the traffic of that busy vicinity. When at that moment, horrible to relate,— The traveller who passed through the pleasant sommery of Rabhington =. ocuestey, last, and pond a rom . satteand theaven:direeting ‘ikon: was informed that an heir to the a of Buopss pea that day ar- their well-wishers, —, English. Max. Surru. Living at Brixton. I was tol@ at the public-house that— The parties go to law. The seducer was 64. The next house was burnt. The turf rogues are betting on next weck’s races. There was much applause. The new cow-shed was opened. The concert ended with God Save the Queen. Mr. Miacus said that JonEs was a disgusting fellow, and that a month in gaol would do him good. We got a telegram that the train was in, safe. On Tuesday Jonsines anp Sons, of Fleet Street; gave their workmen. a dinner at the King’s Head, Hichente I mean praise, and suppose: eli- minated to mean brought out. Syooxs, of Poplar, wants the road widened. Then— Bobbington bells were rung on Wednesday, because Mrs. Biopss had had a boy. Penny-a-Lining. _ But from the comparatively un- important nature of the injuries which the unfortunate individual has sustained, his intelligent me- dical attendant offers assurances that the results will not be per- manent. This youthful cantatrice inter. irted the melody of the great man maestro in a manner which won her golden opinions from those who had the gratification of hearing her. Mr. D. Bury in some degree failed to vindicate before a metro- politan audience the unqualified eulogies which have attended lis provincial career. English. As he has only got some scratches, the doctor says he will be at work again in a week, BEETHOVEN’S was app! Miss Brick san song very well, Ee D. Boze: best hee oe p in 4 country, no do for x ™ THE CLIENTS OF $2, ANN, ‘who have more money as ever they can been bountifully WE earnestly beseech all those’ of our’ than they know what to do with, to 1 awe Aad a lea Tnetiietions a provided on purpose to mi igate is the “Royal Asylum of St. Asm’s maintenance, and education to orphan of parents once in peauely, of any nation.” Now that taxation ers it very hard for commercial men, and almost impossible for professional men, to at tna for the number of children under the care of the Society amounts to 300. They are mostly the children of parents once in affluent ci in the Royal Navy—of officers in the geons, and solicitors. Others are children of once prosperous merchants, farmers, or tradesmen.” Of the jority. of such persons the incomes die with them ; those of all except the soldiers and sailors, and some of the parsons, are very liable to cease, and then there is only the workhouse for themselves, and for their children there would be nothing but the national school, if it were not for St. Ann’s ney This Asylum is almost entirely without endowment—supported, as Mrs. Malaprop would say, by spontaneous combustion. Its debt has been reduced from £3,000 to £350. In order to wipe off its remaining score, and extend its benefits—for what are 300 children to the number of those who are qualified to share them ?—its committee are in hopes that the opulent subscribers of Mr. Punch will also subscribe to the institu- tion under their management, and induce many other onnaires to follow their example, observing that the Secretary of the Le Asylum of St. Ann’s Society is Edward Frederick Leeks, Esq., F.L.S., Solicitor, 2, Walbrook, E.C., to whom “all communications may be addressed.” People who send the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER conscience- money for Income-Tax unpaid, that is of course people with permanent incomes, who feel that they ought to have paid more in proportion than ple earning their bread, had much better send the difference to Mr. Fanta, on aceount of St. Ann’s Society. MILTON ILLUSTRATED. Tue Pope lias received from en the not unacceptable sum of 300,000 francs, which had been collected there under the title of St. Peter’s Pence. above collection is considerably more than a third greater than the sums collected in the same town for the famishing operatives. A — who has assumed for the occasion the signature of Wauter Savaee Lanpor, writes to say that Prous, when he pocketed the munificent offering, was both charmed and ¢ : charmed, to have at his disposal so comfortable a sum of — and chagrined at the thought of depriving of it such a large number of poor, who had so much a better right to it. In short, our correspondent says that the Porg, on the occasion alluded to, was a charming living illustration of the two beautiful, though opposite, poems—the Allegro, and the Penseroso, ‘ LE VERITABLE “ OPERA COMIQUE.” We read that Herr Wacyer is about to compose a comic opera— music, and words. We agree with our facetious contemporary, the Musical World, that we never heard an opera of Wacnsr’s yet that was not more, or Jess, comic. In fact, so intensely comic is he, that he might, with perfect harmony of justice, be called the ori; “ JOLLY Wae(go)ner!” As this gentleman’s music is said to belong to “The Future,”—and certainly as a Present it is not worth having—we su pose he generally gets it executed by.the celebrated Band of “‘ Hope?”

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[MarcH 1, 1862, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

SS re)

YOUNG ENGLAND. Henry. “I say, CHARLEY, WHERE DO you DINE TO-NIGHT?” Charley. “Aw, Drxg witH your Brotaer !” Henry. “ Doosz you po—worst Wive I Ever Drunk In my LiFe!” Charley. “By Jove, THEN, YoU NEVER DINED WITH MY GOVERNOR!”

‘metal? Who, then, will profanely declare: that’ penury has not its mission, and that destitution~is a bore—an..excrescence—an_ imprac- THE HOOKS AND EYES OF CHARITY. | ticable cruz—when by judicious management it can. be made. to brighten CuHarity covers a multitude of other people’s rents, but somehow | F cant’ BR our sp 9 finds it difficult to conceal those little fissures of her own, for which she | * — v1 a re got pecaow yeet m tifying ‘faitenins or. the is so heavily rated. The mantle is comfortable and neat, but it takes a | ae nig egy Sagan yg So nc ay Ethene nemyto inten it. Wheat wit) ro rag ds, and | {@Stenings for the mantle? ..How do we know ?. What man contem- sillas collate. | aes oP ype ty mec pe Ptles. printers, | Plating the topsy-turviness of things upon this dim spot called Barth, 2 ? age teasnggepioenres Aegis: | would unhesitatingly affirm that hats were made for heads, and not charwomen, testimonials, toast-masters, vocalists, wax and tallow nlucky Joz, of Tylney Hall, was firmly of opinion chandlers, &c. &c. &c. &c., Charity is sorely pressed to make both ends meet—and much as we feel for widows and orphans, we often think that her hands are so full of domestic troubles, that we can searcely marvel if she not only begins, but finishes her eleemosynary mission at home:. :To get fire out of a flint you must hit it hard, and to elicit. donations your appeal must be striking. At first sight there appears but. little difference between a mendicant who, to excite com- miseration, mournfully embraces.a. pair of borrowed babies, and an Institution which nurses a skinny schoolmaster with spindle shanks, and apufly barrister with water on the brain, to induce testamenta relief; but there is a distinction, and a wide distinction, wide enough to accommodate hundreds who every day fall into the gap, with their eyes serenely closed. Swirt, in his humane proposition to relieve the destitution of his country by making a banquet of its juvenile population, showed great but pardonable ignorance. The philanthropist in fact swallowed up the philosopher. He saw a mass of misery, and he felt nervously anxious to dispose of it, as an alderman would a dish of whitebait. Jupy, his cook, could have taught him better. Did she sweep out the | heads for hats.

refuse of the culinary stores, or did she carefully collect the adipose remnants, and by a process of alchemy well known to her order, trans- mute them into refined gold? Is not the aristocratic Eau de Cologne | of Jzan Manta Fartna more than suspected ofa plebeian origin ; and are there not legendary bonds of affection between coal tar and our

that had he been apprenticed -to a hatter, people would have been without a capital ornament. Probably mantles ‘are made for hooks and eyes—at all events, if there is any doubt about it, let us be charitable and not put the easy-cushioned almoner on short: commons, simply because a posse of sharp-set travellers are clamoring and kicking at tie refectory doors.

Ode on a Distant Prospect of Eatin’ College Pudding. BY A VERY YOUNG GENTLEMAN WHO HAS BEEN TOLD HE SHALL COME INTO THE DINING-ROOM BY-AND-BY. Boo-Hoo! boo-hoo! There are but Two, And WIxty likes ’’em, so does Suz. Boo-hoo !

A MORE DIFFICULT TASK. Mr. Mityzs may carry his Bill for enabling 4 man to marry his Wife’s Sister. But when shall we see a Bill passed for enabling a man | to exist in the same house with his wifé’s Mother ?

Cuearest ADVERTISEMENT.—A Profound Secret confided to your most exquisite dyes? Are not old horse-nails of priceless value for gun | Wife.

Printed by Witien Booiiery, of io, 18, Dupes S Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent's Park, both in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County ©: f Middlesex, » in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of Loudon, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in the City of Lendon.—Saronpar, March 1, I-62.

| BAS of <a Y/Y fs) he

meas posit Bu tlems a me! their minis absol valua dread penal | An trial | more proce Wint inquir and tl only a

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Marca 8, 1862.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 91

LATEST INTELLIGENCE OF TO-MORROW. THE ROMAN DIFFICULTY. WE expect very soon to read in the morning journals the following extracts from the Moniteur, among— Revrer’s TELEGRAMS. Paris. This Day. Discussions, arrested by interpellations of which the continuance is admissible in the presence of legislative necessities, have precipitated the solution of the-Roman question. — ‘The logic of facts demands the adoption of measures which will have for their object the consolidation of the Kingdom of Italy on a basis of security to the Holy See. The populations of the Roman States will be invited to | declare by universal suffrage their choice between perma-. | nence under their existing government, and incorporation with the Italian Kingdom. Should their vote be the preference of continued sub- jection to existing authority, which claims to dominate them under divine sanctions by a paternal volition, nego- tiations will be at once initiated for defining the respec- | tive limits of Italy and the popedom. | If they shall elect solidarity with the Italian people, sti- ‘pulations will be effected for the formation of arrange- ments which will assure the independence of the Holy See, and the stability of the Chair of Peter. + Neng case the French troops will immediately evacu- ate me.

Ss! | dill | SS ee (ON The accomplishment of these decisions will terminate — tek! Tee Ih 4 Le / a situation which could not be pase without the a z a » : negation of just demands, and the disturbance of con- ee « \ A ‘ sciences, continually giving rise to grave complications, cn Sy Sa of which it would be difficult to find a pacific solution.

“Playing with Fire.” Wirn £600,000,000 worth of property at stake in London," it does seem to us that our present insufficient organisation of the Fire Brigade system is (to borrow Canby (on receipt of his proper fare, 6d.). “ Pity it ain't a bad’un, and then the the title of Mr. Jonn BroveHam’s comedy) literally Job’d a been complete.” Playing with Fire.

| Juries have only to refuse to convict duellists indicted for murder, in order to empower your crack dragoon officers, and your Irish brigadiers, DISCOURAGEMENT FOR DUELLISTS. ‘to restore the code of false chivalry, and enable every fireater amongst My pear Lorp Paterson, them to present a pistol at the head of the worthiest person, and You would oblige me very much by taking the necessary | demand his honour or his life. The formation of a public opinion in measures to frustrate the attempt which some blockleads of influential | fayour of duelling ought to be checked at once. position are now making to revive the custom of duelling. I wish you would tell your ArrorNEY-GENERaL to bring in a Bill, But for your judicious bottle-holding we might have just had a gen-| rendering the mere act of fighting, or aiding and abetting in, a duel, a tleman, a statesman, and one of your own principal colleagues, shot by | crime punishable by penal servitude, and subjecting any person, sending, * member of the Pore’s Brass Band, for calling things and persons by | conveying, or accepting, a challenge to a heavy fine, and imprisonment their right names. Or the gentleman, the statesman, the British | with hard labour of long continuance, in the House of Correction. minister, might have had the misfortune to shoot the representative of} If you have this law made, the result of it will be that gentlemen absolute Popery ; and, such is the respect of the law for even the least | betrayed into the use of unjustifiable words will be enabled to apologise valuable form of human life, have consequently been involved in the | for them with unquestionable credit, whilst snobs who refuse to retract dreadful anxiety of a trial for murder, and even have incurred the | insolent language will be expelled from Society. : penalty of that crime. | May it please your Lordship to think over the above project of a law An officer in a crack Dragoon regiment has lately been undergoing a| to prevent duelling, respectfully proposed to your consideration by irial by Court Martial, on a nominal charge which is really neither | your Lordship’s almost constant supporter, more nor less than an indictment for not having fought a duel. The | PUNCH. froceedings z this | have been re4 as long as -¥ in oa WINDHAM affair—and let me suggest that a commission de /unatico | ‘ e ; ‘ : inquirendo might, with great fie og be issued both on the prosecutors | Sentiment; or, Lines Written in a Reformatory. and the tribunal, and the corps in question, which appears to be not | Britt e’s in Quodd and e don’t care ; only a “crack,” but also a crazy regiment. | ioh! ioh! A fool has just been shot through the head by another fool near | Bitx’s in the Jugg, got six months there : trasbourg ; as you saw in the Courrier du Bas Rhin. The shot hit’ ioh! ioh! ; him over the left eye; “he uttered a piercing cry and fell dead.” But Whilst this ere lock on my art i’ll wear, or yourself, some English solitude might have resounded the other Witch, wen e ad is ed cropt bare, | ay with a similar ery—or with an Irish howl. I got from the Barber as Cut is Air. Circumstances which, of late years, have evoked a martial spirit, | ioh! ioh! ioh! ave also in some degree simultaneously evoked or developed the old | evil spirit of ferocious gentlemanlike ruffianism. This is trying hard | <a © have its way; it would if it could, it will if it can, and it will | mice eas ; } ‘ lace the best and wisest fellow at the mercy of any reckless fool,| Tue Pore has been accused more than once of encouraging brigan- lackguard, and bully, who may choose to insult him and put him /|dage. So popular is this belief at Rome that the French soldiers speak under the necessity of defending his honour at the peril of his of him, now, with the most familiar contempt, as “Ce sacré brigand existence. | Pape !” _-

VOL, XLII. L

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Feprvuary 25. Monday. There beimg already Five Conveyancing Bills before the Peers, Lorp. St. Lzonarps introduced Two more. As Seven is the num- ber of perfection, we may now hope for a rational system, and as those aa live on hope die fasting—the proverb is something musty. But the fun was--in theCommons. Dayzen O’DonaGuve, member for Tipperary, also call. ed the O’Doyacmus, because (as we yérust) there are no mare of the species, mage:him- , self ridicglons,,.some + little timey.aga, by 4 spout. Dub- in agai UEEN. ao Ropsre Pre took an opportunity, in a recent debate, scarify the,said O’D. and his. friends, de- - scribing them.as Man- ‘nikin Traitors, and.de void of i The species of w the O’D. is a type cannot s as is well known, to «thes \ f negroes and other naturalisis, but.ecan fight.. So:the O’D., in ordertoshow that. he was not a Mannikin Traitor, )was highly respectable, sought to murder,Sim,RoBert Peet, and sent to-him. Masor Gavin, who Member for Limerick, celebrated. for gloves, was a fitting person to throw down the glove to Pees... But vigilat nostrd semper in ede Lar, and the Premrer, whose sleep is more wakeful than most folks’ staring, foresaw the coming row, wrote to Px to refer the accomplice to him, and the astounded Gavin was handed over. accordingly to Pam, ., The PREMIER scoffed at the idea.of,a duel, and coolly imformed the . Megjor the matter would be brought before the House, whose pe of speech.had..been violated. To-night Pam. mentioned ,the business, and of course there was an.end.of it, save that the O’Doyacuue, for once inspired. with. eloquence, like the horse of AcHtuiEs, did manage to say one thing that, Mr,. heartily rses, although, it had nothi whatever to do with, the occasion.an. which it was delivered. . He: said,— “ Tam perfectly well aware that the ancient mode of arbitrament has fallen into disuse ; but if it has, those unseemly. manners, that, rendered, it almost necessary, have also disappeared. (Cheers.)”’ Now, -judicial severity when an offender is denounced does.not come into the category of “unseemly manners,” and. the QueEn’s Secretary for Ireland was bound to use the most effective language in co ing a-would-be rebel. But the above h is, abstractedly; a sensible one, and gives us hope that the being who-eould make’it will one-day improve himself, as Mn: Darnwry might say, into positive Rationality. _ 4 A very important discussion on- the Navy Estimates oceupied the House till midnight.- Lorp CLARENCE Pacer says that our Fleet is in splendid condition. He had better keep it so, for. M.\ ne Botssy,:in the French Senate, declares that | England ought to be invaded by France, and he has a great mind to do it himself. To be sure the French Senate laughed at him, but he may attack us for all that. Tuesdoy.. The .Eant or ..Deapy. usually, shows himself;a Keen Party; but aliquando Homerus. It is customary with divers writers, whose minds are more emotional than accurate, to pounee upon any wimg: od paragraph or letter that as a grievance, to pour out a flood of indignation thereanent, and to be unkindly laughed at when, after a few-daya, the facts come out. To wait for inquiry would spoil the h of yituperation.. But people who call themselves. States- men should know better. Lorp Dery, who can read-Italian, saw in a Neapolitan pees statement that a proclamation of a most savage character had been put orth in Naples, and so to-night he-gave notice of a question on the subject, and on Thursday he fired —_ good of indignation against a Government. that could issue such a brutal menace. Earu_Russeut requested time to inquire. Having inguired, he was able to state on Friday that such a proclamation had been put forth by an inferior officer, and that the instant his superiors knew;of it, ey: had cancelled it. 1 have waited fon it, saved.a speech. But it may be observed that the Duxe.or Arey, with that.excess of zeal peculiar to subordinates, and not much admired by the late M. pz TALLEYRAND, took upon himself to dash.out with the hai hing abolishing the de The anplenetion was perfeetly satisfactory, and Lorp Dersy |, ani [Maron 8, 1862. | | information that the paper was a mere copy of an old paper of 1810, and that it was too absurd to suppose it referred to the present time. For the which Zeal you may be sure | the Lorp or Dersy did not forget, when the explanation | came, to give the Duke a pleasing little box on his ducal | ar, The, Bores are making desperate effortgeto protect them- | selyesagainst the natural hostility of theddquae,. To-night 5 R SARSIECE. : beng we “P to re ein oe iscouraging the Count Out, by printing the mame of the Member. who does that service to humanity, No, no, thank you, Benrixck, said the House «emphatically, that is, v7 219 to 43. , | Mr. Linpsay elicited a promise from»Sm GroRce Lewis to endeavour to improve the Transport Service, and. Mr. Daysy Seymour of Poole (NiR, copy the,ad- dress) proposed a resolution in favour o solidatingrthe Ecelesiastical Law. Sir Rovunpe tt: PanMeReresisted | this, but pledged..the},Government to partial,.actien upon the subject. : _ Government-thenindulged themselyes,in the luxury of a little defeat. Ma: CowPer was compeled to withdraw bie +: or es wad throug Ko i Lege = e Nymphs t ow! lad very proper n e ululant, may now use,thein, pocket-handkaraniefs, Wednesday, Mx. *Angranp’s: Bill, for taking away from Visiting Justices the power-of whipping criminals, came on for Seeond_ Readingi» It twas: mien as to one portion, by Sin Groree Grex, ; The accom made a singularly wise observation, as .mighty | pected. He said that. whipping was.a punishment,inflioted on the children of the pooryand,not.on:the children.of the rich. This will be news.to the; . e,Whe,send their sons to Eton and Harrow. Wes bogagustinesly to state that he has an undying..enmitgto thapayatern of corporal : er: , gireumstances, who talk nonsense. inte Hact. for improving our mnishments, save a bat he disclaims the Mr. ’Aprrpap: Pr e , Oupdiox tle speech on a ving 0 M apolitan Management, and urged the desirability of still further lowering the qualification for Vestryman. Our Cox thinks that a man’s. bei is enough to constitute him a parochial Senator. Considering what qualifications our Cox. has. found, sufficient to obtain the | votes of 4556 electors,in a Parliamentary contest, it is not remarkable that he should think anybody good enough to be a Vestryman. Government then indulged themselves in the luxury of another little defeat... The taste for luxury grows with indulgence. The Bill making it unlawful for a candidate to convey voters to the poll was thrown out by 160 to 130. Mr. ’Aprietp gained a little victory. His. Bill for ation by corporate. officials that they will not destroy the Chureh of Hingland was carried by 140 to 127. The declaration is as ridiculous as its abolition is unimportant... All such declarations, from the Coronation | Oath downwards, are now expounded. by the light of com- mon sense,and conscience. But, it is as well to get rid of absurdities, and so the mover “shall be Jack. again”— | or rather Hapriep, until his next. offence against. Siz Assotute PuncH. . Thursday. One of the’ Seven. Bills (a production. of | Lorp Sr. Leonarps’) having been read.a Seoond ‘Time, | one of Mr. Zanxiet-Unier-Rargaet-Cummixe .Punca’s Propheeies was fulfilled... The CxanceLor brought in, as | collated by Mr: Punch, a Bill for- Amending, the Law. of unacy. Ist,, Mn: Samypen Warren. and, gentlemen. of ,.his station are,.no.longer.to, have their souls. vexed with Lunacy, investigations, as such matters are to be handed over,to the consideration of . the sterner Judges of the Land. 2ndly, The alleged lunatie is to be examined at the beginning of the inquiry instead of the end thereof, according to the ,present.lunatie. practice. 3rdly, ‘The doctors are not, to be sent for, except when other, evidence as to facts.cannot be had, and then they are, to swearvas to what they. know, instead of delivering highly improving, and scientific lectures on the theory of insanity. 4thly. Instead of inquiring into an alleged lunatic’s whole. history, and, asking whether when he was a little boy he did not prefer dirt pies to jam BESepB ws ko see Be eee este Head suewe [I

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Marcu 8, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE’ LONDON CHARIVARL lee essen a tote, and when a young man he did not speak respectfully | do.” Voted 0 roverbial P, again st Hum 93 id ni mbug ever since his first election in 1841, sain , the pore ee is to extend over | 85, Fleet Street, B.C. Windsor Castle, and all the Clubs, ation | Two years only—the two years preceding the inquiry. pote apna a put that into your next edition, and your ducal | aE y wul be quite perfect, e - These itions “were favourably received by the Law Lords. R. Cowpr h | | Rehwanron ob course made to the Windham Case, touching which minster welll “be opened in Mette, beaut the Brien ge at Re me ieht | Lorp St. Lzowarps sweetly remarked, in defence of the proceedings | were being pulled down as fast as Government could get hold of them = a therein, that “It was a matter of perfect indifference to the Court | A long squabble followed as to when the Education Question should the | whether Mx. Wivpnam were ruined or not; all that could be regarded | come up, Mn WatPote intending a field-nj ht thereupon. Then came ~ was the due administration of justice.” A nobler and more philosophic | Navy Estimates. And then a Bill which demands respectful mention that pont was — Fran ast who, observed that, perhaps, | and which every one will desire to see as rapidly as possible. unacy Reform was the , of Win , immense number o: mmissions ire the Royal S . Th —— | Wicked Gloucester, haying been’once more permitted to clect Mem. | hand that relieved the Quaw from this. drudge ean re ove her no ries. | bers, showed its gratitude by giving the Liberals a sensation which er, and it is proposed to render the sign-manual , vad. | | they have not hadvfot a long Aime, namely, that of vietory. An |.’ Friday. Eat Russert said that Mr. SEwarp did not medit'to sink the | Honourable Br P and + 3. Powe were"teturned, after a any more stone-fleets—at present, Earl has formal sighed to ated | good battle. Wisked Wakes , did not fellowe'the liberal Lorp Lyons; that though ‘the: > is frequently brokemsthere pon | example, but ‘Sm J. servative. “Phe North | jg no present intention to consider 49 ive. Perhapswheir the | Riding and Canteriury have sc, oman, sour elegant | Ninety Daysthat’ are to ‘extinguish uthern Confedemaciot have of a | new Dop has abréady to receive’ scribbled insertions. et run out, w ll hear more on this subject. raw us take this hity 0} orhis indispensable game looks6étter than it has done since the'ehes ens Parliamentary the ®the naniewe beg ore*préliminary Education ing > be tosupply. Day seems to be the date‘on which , | . (Alt Engidiag) >” = Muxex Grasow stated that . ons merica * rom | répand Britannia, d) of ‘Beorurr Jonatuan had ressed On | Be Bondon, m. Judy d.}-bedone: > i ‘Star, one | ) “Self-e ' p: me .D. the ich. ons ate yral 2S, dh Henan Ise. aes he ur ’ ity ; an. | mn sh: ivhat a : : ethane ee . | e > De- e 6 . . os | Cause it stood on the} The “drainists” to wit. From the foregoing remarks : chalk. White is the | it appears that drainage is looked upon as a sort of S emblem of purity ;| heresy at Winehester, insomuch that its advocates are f and so pure is Win. | stigmatised as “ drainists.” The word occurs also in the th chester still, physi. speech of another sage Councillor who forcibly observed :— 4 Ne = Teall’ That its “They ought to pass a very strong resolution on this matter. x or a aap So they did; and Winchester is the stronghold of anti- | oy @ majority of 17 to eye 4s a very strong rac; of Ph poi! If it ; —— ee Oes no me the stronghold of ¢ us and scar- is | AAAS» . if ihe pane latina, the Board of Health isa great mistake, mT ‘ ., Cost of the sewerage} The speaker last quoted proceeded to.say:— of | of the town, n, which at re has ee, of course hecause it docs _| went any. a yy _ Amemo: or the inquiry thus: |, ha Signe: 519 persons “The majority of thé burgesses* were anti-drainists, ‘and the ~ | "including the Dean sid the Arelideaeon of Winchester. ee Watden, and tio i them to vote: againas aoe reat ara, Woowbaren, whan ee i Master of the College, the canons of the Cathedral, twelve » si¢ians and surgeons, | only tiers the end of the ‘wedge; and they, after having spent | t Y-six clergymen, and one tmnister—on] one issenting minister to | £300 in. inquiry, would Say, this-can be done forsomuch. Don’t let if | | 80 many disscenters! This document was brought Tones the Council by Mr. | this money’ be spent for honing. Why did"Dk. Crawrorb come to | _ Wootprince representing; the intelli d bility, of Win- | them inna nom, WHY hie-eame. . Te was ae > | : 1 3 ap y, the ce ‘and respectability of Win- from into it, but he was not going to be diddinn oe drainage. He g | } chester, in whose name he moved for . ey would not have it. The cost dia not say that they might do @ partial ‘drainage for convenience s | | of the p; investigation had beew estimated at £50. Dr.-Crawrorp and the tnd not om account of health. He believed there te) of f EAN to pay for the survey, should the Council ‘refuse to act upon it. | {he High Street’ which would be ‘well to pe slong, and he had some | All in vain. The i as ee oS idea of draining Winchester, as be entertain: One old “alderman. if Winchester needed drainage, rire tate “according to the Hampshire burgesses of St. Maurice, held at the an inquiry into the ex mse of under- — of the town was mf fe The motion for inquiring into the’ Winehester, will was all pies Thee L oe = attention to service | that was 5 e derman @ memori ad 360 names attached | to it, and he believed ‘they were all bi . * He, ‘ain! great laughter and cheering, con- We wish we could | gratulated the gallant Colonel (Faunce) on having got upthe namés of 88 ladies to the drainage | gentleman Of ladies (great laughter). He did mot age, and who > was the same as those*presented from St. Maurice, id not he years ago, within the last seven = it for its healthiness, and one to which medical ‘health. it seemed to him I ng Over | t if such descriptions as had | Wise who | for convenience, mind;"but | that Great Beast ra, xd @ memorial agreed to atithe Five Bells, and the | °ialk, formation, He was friénd below (Mr. H. Moopy) would drainists,”” Liber. = 3 - might perhaps be ‘consid, ch medical which now waste ‘their ‘sweetness: on very remarkable that | : i ” on airy, with a eloudot maven) —— _— sjocraeranee is rather Pleasing ¢ an other. » mind,"but not on abcount of: | might depict him in fossilised Sstate—a Megatherium, if were discoverable in That'-chalk, if the Town Council of would allow itself to:be diddled i i possibility of ‘draining perhaps to most ‘minds ‘less néarly re. t to get in the thinvend of the: wedge than an endeavour to introduce the thick end of the broom. i present the world with a portrait of the who was not going to: be sdiddled ‘into drain. admits that a partial drainage pant be done ‘enriched by ehowe treasures into ‘d ¢* Winton air, who"are “ anti.

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_PUNCH, OR 'THE LONDON CHARIVART._ {Marcu 8, 1862 (ms) S > i WALA SLL. “, y Y) ] LLM My J) UUM i; lj oly U/, j yj / | | yj MELA " WL TTZL1 Y/; | Yj Y y y y ‘1: Ye "Y yy A, } YUU ) \ - y\)) Bee \\) N s > QDINER A LA RUSSE. Host. ** Stay, STEVENS—WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE SaLMon? NobopDy HAS HAD ANY -OF IT!” Putler. “ Pray, Str, WHAT ARE WE TO HAVE FOR Supper ?” HURROO FOR O’REILLY ! (An Exhortation by FatueR Tom.) Pant Erin’s green flag on Saint Pether’s own rock, And up wid’ the raal Milesian ould stock ! : Droive PatmMerston’s minions from Oireland’s fair shore, And the Porr’s bould brass band give one thrumpet the more! If there’s one that’s a match for the Saxon so wily, 1’ll go bail it’s that broth of a boy, Mytes O’Retrty ! aes defender—that hero so bould, hose laurels are new, as his pedigree ’s ould! From his father’s demesnes,—where a beautiful babby He played in the iligant halls of Knock-Abbey— From the fields of his prowess on Italy’s marches— He brings you his valour, his voice, and his vartues. Will Erin forget all he said and he done ? The Brigade that he dthrilled—and the pace that they run ? How like wather their blood for the Pore it was spilt, Yet—thanks to the Saints—sorra’ one of them kilt ! How long widout rations—not e’en a potato— Three hundred to thousands, they held out Spoleto : Wid’ all the Sardinian big guns at ’em blazin’, And poundin’ away, in a manner amazin’. Such a chief as O’Rerity it’s idle to seek— Not Leonrpas’ self—that immortal ould Greek ; ‘To whom Godless Colleges give the monopoly Of glory ’ginst odds, in the sthraits of Thermopoly. More by token LEonrpas wasn’t a Grecian, - But like Myxes O’ REerx1y, a raal ould Milesian : And the best sarnocth scholars has settled that, on’y For base Saxon thricks, he’d be known as “ Moony.” O’REILLY’s three hundred—it ’s proved clare as print— From the boys of Thermopoly tuk their descint ; But more ’cute,—of the Greek, the three hundther all bled, Whin not one of the Oirish got knocked on the head. *Twas a miracle wrought by the Saints of the Church, That ’ud ne’er see his Holiness left in the lurch. So they upped every man the Sardinians floored, As brave as a Lion, as bould as a Lord! ., The could-hearted Saxon he scoffs at thim boys, Calls their valour all bletherumskyte, brags and loyes; But if Saxons saw miracles, how would they know ’em ? More by token, the Saints they would ne’er stoop to show ’em. Then it’s up wid’ O’Rerizy and down wid the scoffers ! You’ve read his addthress and you see what he offers— ‘l'o the Saxons a curse, to Sardinia a rope, Respict to the Church, and more power to the Pore! Oh, bad cess to the Saxon—his scoffs and his menaces ! And more stringth to O’ Donoeuuer’s hand and Pore Henessy’s! The Porz wants more mimbers—we ’ll soon cure that want if You ’ll act like good sons of that ill-used ould Pontiff. The Saxons would broibe you wid wages and work: To timpt you to college and school-house they lurk ; Of your grievances rob you, till none you ’ve to show, Any more than the sthranger that thramples you low ! But prove to them Erin has made up her moind. Those she hated when cruel, she ’ll hate now they ’re koind : For Car ts.E a howl, for Str Ropert a rope — Here’s O’ Remy for Longford—and Long Live the Porr!

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PUNCH, OR. THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Marcn 8, 1862. ee a) \ ‘\ N \ N \ NA SS SS ‘ ams! THE O’MANNIKIN. Poutceman Pau. “DON’T LET HIM PUT YOU OUT.—I’LL QUIET HIM PRESENTLY.”

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Gas: BSE BET B03. LEG fi:

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PUNCH) OR) THE LONDON: CHARIVARI. 97 Re t\ MW | “ Hi, Waiter ! Here; hubloa'! one @ Python's Egg-—-no doubt DEPOTS |. FOR :\DYPSQMANIACS. “ Mister Poncn, -Onerp Sir, P mde me oa Bas, Somes aig = sl s y eae by par, ey we ILL, Was & en of a ther day at the Green duying, which. it’s our usual ouse 0’ caul, when Bit : 1 yp gory y, beer,as any ouse in London, don’t care where the other is cos there’s no mistake about it, hee thats my opinion but in coorse you know tastes waries and it nt hevery gnt asks i beer exack the same, val Sir, aptly» : pay pear to | B pe me he u's Gn or the edinbugg the ies is what he riz: that the Destitute i in Edinbugg. ere others who has wondered fron the Pataca Wintee tas bebe ‘expresses of it). =o = 0 habits.” * reanee word the last ten yare We.have fewer under (persons our requiring m: y that these here pussons, is all, Maniags as S SEARMERER tent a monshe, w itic and the ban 3 way e ey carnt get. nothing as OF worse, Were & matter of stern numbers is now pesrwolly hincreasingg or lunattic byte erected for these mare ae: t makes a Caul on eee my ern gen regard to the Great ¢ n= in the “Holy oly: Rather a os -looking,old SE=- OPE -it is still more wonderful that-the file and tropical indiwiddles to elp in building of a Ouse of Reffuge for sich lunatics von be. purposed to ereck it in Edinbugg he says for the feemales as may appen to turn reglar Tipsimagyagayeos in coorse you see the Ladies, ine em! ort to be elped first =. “""The time,¢annot be far distant when at least drunk tug may’ bp de be brought under the co; of, . may be done for this wretched class o persons while the earlier , and while they are th lves so consciougef their to submit to any remedy ! Boma few private asylums exist where individuals of the respectable circumstances (such ap placed in the country), and ed a phim Ly was approved at a public ; but the commi' the sum required te enable them to commenge limited dati ls us to refuse numepa tions... It doce te call the new b (wh House of Re and haye an entrance of in, own) they for. rations. I earn Seas seilanthropic indi romote Auchan object. as Wien },@meste read this ear Buttygays to wh gore a by his ‘public peprimonsegce tha bb renee air Fi be ypurwided with prowisions at al ave enuff to do to find.the cash to keep em, cos if hevery Kave what as a liking see for Lush is to be kep allays means tp, promote Jago Uf he ween $0 say ed with purwisions and not have nothink fur to fork out fur and, fork I rayther thinks as Tipsymania ‘Il be rayther at a prem and ¢oves as dont like workin il make theirselves all aka, just to get purwisions found them gratis free for nothing. Tis er era;s a Gornsammation most ahaa to be wished, lopeweys by | pos and doutless many huthers, and sol aoe as this ere gent wil ave, success in his new scheme which I ph caer building avato be @ Bigg un if he mean to take i at a | the So > COniaae heerd say as the Scoteh fond ot whiskey, . y as theres lots on em who’d tipsy maniacs if they ras offered board and lodging gratis for so doing. ** Yours most Fe 6 Tosiss Ports.” “ Shummaker 7 Dialls. aD. _ Remercaneyie hexecuteted. . ring the *,* We rather fear our correspondent and his ‘ain pcos sat some time at the “ Green Lying” before they read the It appears to us a rather beery supposition to think that Pape provision” means provisions at a pot-honse ;; as it is express stated that at the Queensberry Lote the inmates will be furnish with “‘ cheerful employment,”’ we think the inference is clear that thi Sher will have in someway. to ‘work for their own livelihood, a fact. which. would in our opinion very much increase the claim of anyCharity for Drunkards on the purse of the philanthropist:—Ep. Puwem. A PLEASANT: VIEW. OF ‘THE POPE. Wwatever may be said of ng Porr’s political principles.and. prao- Holiness’s. Government. has. b behaved in a very en gaat Exhibition. It has, so a credible letter oho , Rome says, admitted all foreign artists or artifioers lines, Hoece to the advantages offered to native Romans, inso bd ; have their works conveyed. to London at the expense oe tions, | FOVernment, exhibited, md, if unsold, hag ack tc to “the ence oe ——_ of the no ee without costing him a bajoceo,” and there is a light in which we arex owe ugly-by the side of the and ANTONELL : the: .British: Commissioners! The pny ec tes that “ Privop Reanemechep iy aleniy last... moment: not. to send.his splendid plate, because would not.ensure its safe return, or the value, into his wonder is that Prince Torzonia ever-t hought of ws Pa be shown at Brompton at all. iat ia mot the jr tg dreamt of supposing that.he vonld do hing er ape go the the most ae security for the, loan es property. kind without Shabby! is oe exclamation which an idea at once so extra and so és onious will. generally evoke. We caricature the Porz - st py on the Fifth of November; but in the. some.doing his Holiness ee ewdted ke dete ‘ Exhibition of 1862, whilst the Commissioners will come out .in the character of Guys.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Manca 8, 1862,

we wy 4 . | <5 UnsopnisticateD Uncir. ‘‘ Lupus Street, Lupus Street? ain't it?” Neruew (shuddering). “‘ Nev-ar, my dear Sir—South Belgravia-h /” Down Pimlico way, —! A NECKLACE OF PEARLS. For Morning and Evening Wear. Dancrye is all important to a girl entering hfe. (| | n'est que le premier pas (de danse) gut cotite ! Give with discretion. It is not because it is less valuable | than pure gold, that women have a strong dislike to imita. | | tion jewellery; but rather, because their highly sensitive | nature abhors a sham. At sixteen a woman prefers the best dancer in the | room; at two-and-twenty, the best talker; at thirty the | richest man. “Love me, love my dog,” is old, and exploded. Love| me, love my milliner—is the modern version. | Accomplishments are more useful in married life, than domestic qualities. The wife who sings divinely feeds the ride of her husband; whereas she who is only a hand at a' ght crust, merely contributes to his comfort. There are | wretches who ask why the hand that rattles off The Shower | i Pearls should be a stranger to pastry. Conceive Norma abbling with apple-dumplings ! The honeymoon is sober marriage tricked out in peacock feathers. To slave, and toil, and fret, is wretched woman’s lot. | | She is ever dressing, lunching, receiving visitors, paying | visits; at ball, theatre, or rout—or, hapless creature, | doomed to spend an evening with her husband. | A gentleman who is courting a lady, is paying his re. | | spectful addresses to her. Let the grocer’s man fall in love | with Berry at the area-gate, and he merely “follows ” her. | “ Interesting events” are oceasions when a nurse takes | absolute emo of the house; and the husband sleeps | on the sofa. Babies are the tyrants of the world. The Ewrenon | must tread softly: baby sleeps. Mozart must hush his | nascent requiem’: baby sleeps. Purpias must drop his| hammer and chisel; baby sleeps. DsmosTHENEs, be dumb —baby sleeps ! The woman who tickles a man’s palate, has a stronger hold on him than the sentimental creature who merely | touches his heart.

SHAKSPEARIUS RESTAURATUS. A Mr. Samvet Barry has written a book On the Received Text of Shakspeare’s Dramatic Writings and its Improvement. MR. Batuey, like many other critics of logical and limited intellect, runs his little head against that stone of offence to the correct dulness of ——— the “gross inconsistency,” as he calls it, in the famous am “ Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And, by opposing, end them.”

Of this portion of the received text of SHaKksPEare’s dramatic) writings, Mr. Bauey proposes an improvement, which he thus | praises :— **The emendation is not inferior in tone of thought or force of expression to what it laces, or to the context in which it is inserted. It does not relax the tension | of the soliloquy, notwithstanding its taking away what may be dear to the ear of many an admirer, the sounding phrase, a sea of troubles.” Mr. Barry may call a sea of troubles a sounding phrase, but others | who can distinguish sense from sound feel it to be a grand metaphor. How has “a sea of troubles” come to be a stock expression, Mr. Baey, if it is only a sounding phrase ? There is doubtless a bull in| the figure of speech which makes a man think “to take arms an enemy so very impersonal as “a sea of troubles ;” but woul suicide? SHaksreare’s text, as it stands above, evinces a natural confusion of fine ideas. As improved by Martinus ScrrsLERUs—no, by Samvet Batey, it stands thus :— “ Or, to take arms against the seat of troubles, And, by a poniard, end them.” Quite correct. A great improvement on SHAKsPEARE, no doubt, in the opinion of every stolid pedant. The play of Hamlet with the mt of Hamiet left out is matched by the speech of Hamlet divested of Hamlet's poetry. | in the French Senate, and certainly there are too many in the British inst” | not a} bull be very likely to be made by anybody talking to himself in that | ; : : state of mind in which he would be when meditating the commission of | Se policy has carefully let the Holy Father slone.

O Sam Barty !—unfortunate Sam Barer! ENGLAND'S ILL-WISHERS. AmonG Revter’s telegrams the other day, there came from Paris one, epitomising a speech in the Senate, which struck us with the force of a flash of lightning, and we wonder that it had not produced on the electric wire, through which it ran, the effect of fusion. According to that thundering telegram :— ‘“‘ M. pe Borssy regretted that France had assisted England in revenging herself on the Chinese. He was of opinion that the money expended in the Crimea and in Italy would have been better applied towards a descent upon England.” M. te Marquis pe Botssy is a violent Ultramontane, and his religion, or the passion of abject servility to the Por which supplies the place of it, is the cause of his hatred to England. It is that which inspires him with the wish that we might_be robbed and murdered. There are perhaps too many gentlemen of M. pz Botssy’s persuasion

House of Commons, unless it may be said that their ravings in either assembly serve to disgust humanity with them and their cause. Should Masor Myxzs O’Rettty be returned for Longford, we shall rejoice to see him exhibit an exeeptional rationality. 5 Why do the Ultramontanes detest England so bitterly ? England has not despoiled the Pore or persecuted his adherents in these times ; has allowed them to talk as much nonsense and sedition as they chose, ans nglan even enforce the Ecclesiastical Titles Act, and there S no other Act by which she can have given the Porr’s people any offence. The offence, however, which that Act has given them is mortal, no doubt because it was a defeat which has greatly damaged Papal consequence and credit in Europe. Politica! wiseacres sneer at the Ecclesiastical Titles Bill and its authors, but Ultramontanes curse them.

A “SELECT” JOKE, We hear that the Grand New Joint Stock Libra last selected their motto. It is Sic transit gloria

ry Company have at Mudi.

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force n the ing to herself and in d » ies “ ich dered. 1asion sritish either hould vice to Marcu 8, 1862.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 99) i" ‘ Sir,’ and they, the wealthiest, magnates ur share of a meal which we had consumed together PUNCH TO THE PITMEN. 00, marrers, as the play ses, len’ us yor lugs, aw’ se gan te hev a bit cuaed’ a. eae glin’ no * sin at the Athe- n@um ew an’ there aw, \ it sed— “ Some, ti ( me. time, sineg,| |. “ Heigaus.on to say forbye,.t i heibdmuandeteennte than ene a . districts— colliery village, bas its hea ytgad’: puted " ad i Sain, cee eee ee: } and discussed by more ref a fe 8 a’ ther monegysin swillin an’ stuffin, an hes other pets to pleese pando, th the Deda’ the yell-pot :— “at . “ The fondness of the»orkhumbrian whose charms are altogether in fi rong I the many fine traits that. a pit-village will. be to and-strongly marked is this wimdow he will see bluckedup with. of , the open doors he * domestic animals, bria, always glows, a when social superiors. titles of respect. never uncover to @ gentleman or call the commoners of of omengnt two eo .without, the, prefix, *; Mister’ or ‘ Squire.’. But we found them in ligent, —— and, sensitive. we partook of their ‘ « cheer,’ their dark b and tea; their cheese and ale, and the only occasion of our iving transient offence to any one of them was when we offered to pay our host on terms of equality.” ray, jinwten. thit; shows yor. the, cheps 0’ the reet spert, F int : money wiv yor hospitality. A drink o’ yell’s cost much; but gie’d an a ff an | > we. hand, it winnot be forgot. Lucka here noo, this ritin chep minds hoo ye treated an smash man Geordy, he ses the good r_ thou, noo i, prent, But lawk a daisy, 5 aboot yor awd freend Pooach— from beneath contracted eyebrows, asked, t- hinny, here ’s a bonny ‘ Weispoke with them on a variety of subjects, and found them well-informed on their ,range,of and.alixe to the p once an hi fellow, clenching his fist and alee out a flash of remote in deep pit-dialeot, ‘ Bot melingelihomentidet we ve Sanpete than savages?’ at learning that pained caricatures which hage caused so much to ly our sensitive friends by not in the Northumbrian as nothing more than. of their, self-love,. ‘ Ay, thee beest vara e) in answer to village P they thet coom frae the Sooth jected in deep guttural, notes.the woman's back joogt mak’ thae,Poonch-writin’ lads coom | N 1 or Gateshead, an’ let emglike thee, the Sooth, an’ tak’ a in ootan’see us. We be vara guid frins than.’ ” “Weel maw canny cheps, aw’d coom mysel’ wi’ plisure, an’ tak maw breed an’ cheese amang thee for a bit: for there’s nowt i the world aw’d like better than te hey a crack wi’ sittin, and them members has a rare lawks, the toon wad-gan-clean daft, if he wor te oon, that a’ his freen ye.. But smash man, aw’se fear’d the Sooth canna spare us varry weel, noo Parliment’s gift othe gob. Begoks! there’s see mony ninnies noo in Lunnon for Mister Poonch te leuk after, that leave ’t the noo. Bu hinnies, it wasn’t the Newcassel lads, it was them hulkin lubbarts o’ Staffordshire aw was myekin fun on. Noo there’s black sheep iv ivery: flock thou, knaws, an’, when Poonch cooms across a bubbly greet cockeyed.fule; whe ’d speak ruff.to a parson, or heave a half-brick at a stranger instead o’ bein’ civil, Smash man! but, Poonch’s fingers itch to skelp the creefer’s jaws,.an sae Poonch hands the blagard’s likeness d ds may knaw’t an’ hand him i’ contempt, ; “The Athengum ’s not-a paper ower gien to praise,.an’ aw hae. faith | that what it ses-aboot yor way.’ life’s true: an’ aw’m main glad, te ' hear that i the pairts aboot. Newoassel:— | « Bull-baiting has been discontinued. Cockfighting — pastime of the miners. Ferocious is no r the regular a badger bait are now an -baiting secret amusements of a fast dim minority. Fatal prize-fights or chance pugilistic encounters, which once were the regular events of every hopping and open-air jollification are now of rare occurrence.’ “An aw’m pleesed te find that the cheps aboot Newcassel divent ot d away, hinniog aw, ery agyen ! Weandheubeatian cann: he} lads. tt Music’s, the. fud 9° love, or not, aw’s = divent Lam-not te keepin bull dogs, an’ te trainin’ | the face itself. A frontispiece may be pirated, but.a frontispiece is not ; at | of it taken, and gets that from the artist who produces it, and in whom, mebbies aw ll meet some on ye next summer an we'll hae a gill i thegither at the Greet Exhibishun, an’ then aw’ll explain tiv ee that what this ritin chep’s sed, aboot. Poonch,’s varry. true, an’ lawks, but it’s better te spend an:eomer two wi’ sic.fud, yWiv eatin’ ower muchwpuddin. Stick te oy 7 ye sy — ~~ e’ll niver be flaidve’ bissgiein thee a rhis neif,but.ye’ll be likelien oar him gree wi’; “* Huz Oolliers for a’.they can say, Hes byeth heeds an’ hearts thit are sound : An’ if we 're bot tyen i’ wor way, There's few better cheps above ground.” “ An’ se ne mair at present fra’ yor ramgumshows awd freend “ Pooncn.” COPYRIGHT IN THE COUNTENANCE. Tae Lord Chief Baron the other day, summing up in Maya ». Hiesy, thus laid down the law :— “* It had been said that a.man a sort of copyright,in his own face, and thatif he had his picture taken it could. not. be publ without his consent ; but he doubted if a ene who could take the likeness of another,.in the i -box or wit~ ness-box for instance, would not,be at perfect liberty to publish it thought it worth while.” A man would have a copyright of his own faee, and. might be entitled to men ate mt oy ae inging it, if anybody do.so. But there seems no.method by which it st coals for one.man to pirate another man’s face, and. publish it. 4A. book pirated is the same as the original, but no copy of a face can-be equal:to a face, except in the dialect. of pugilism.. The thief whowsteals :your works can mutilate them and hurt. you, but no % eam rob you of our face and cut off your nose, by cutting. off that af the face which he stolen.. Ifa man is not the author of his owndace. how cam he \, claim any-.cop’ tin it? ‘It is true he may,make.a face,:but there is no law-to hinder anybody else from making-another likei it, or else one» clown im a pantomime might sue.another zany for copying~ his grimaces ., and grinming*like himself. If, on the other -hand,.a man composes:his;, countenance, that circumstance alone does not. give or tend to give.him any copyright therein, unless: he composes: it in order to have.a 8 4 alone is originally vested all possible copyright in faces... A carieaturist. 4 can take off a man’s face oguast his will without being ey - indiet-— ment for so doing, nor would any assault be committed in anyone’s face, except in damaging the face with which he was born, —- a person p reer another’s face anyhow might be ‘liable for amages. Grounds for Tenderness, _ Tue ex-Queen or Navies may be occasionallgoa little: wild .and eccentric in many of herpranks, suchas servants, horsewhipping menials, shooting cats, and the. like; but. still we shoyld not, be too hard. upon. her. If her. Majesty is a little, now, and , then, in her head, we should make. every generous allowance for: ene who: is . still labouring under the loss of her crown... Whereis the head, pray, royal.or otherwise, that would be exactly sound, haying. lost, its crown? “Romantic Genzrosrry.”—Mr. Newsy hasgivena yo fora three-volume romance half-a-dozen copies and a half share in the profits ! {

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 8, 1862,

A CORDIAL FORM OF INVITATION. THE LOVE OF COMPARISON. Tue Americans are seemingly fond of com. parisons. We are told by the Times corre- spondent, that it is no wonder they should be so. He asks :— “* Why should they not measure by the standard of the Old World, from which they came, all the men and deeds | of that New World, which, as yet, has created no standard of its own ?” | We will not talk of standards, but just now | they haven’t even a flag of their own. The one they once had is now rent in two. The “ Star. | spangled Banner” is shorn at present of many of its stars and eng, Jonatuaw should look to our Union Jack. Leave off fighting, make it up, and try to havea Union.” | _However, JonaTHan is welcome to’ measure himself by our standard as much as he _—. but so long as he does not behave better than he has lately done, we must beg that he will not |

think of reducing us to his.

The Right Place for the Right Man. Supposine it were necessary to remove Dr. | JENNER from Tino Rane at we think | some more appropriate locality might have been | selected tu have carried his bronzen remains to. | we been consulted on the subject, we =| should have given it as our advice that for the | discoverer of vaccination the best place in the world would have been Cowes. | ;

“A Counter-REvotvTion.” — We . should SgoRETLY-aDORED One’s Para. “ Well, my dear Young Friend, I suppose you won't come in | say that “the Early Closing Movement,” which and eat your Sunday Dinner with us, hay? So I'll wish you good bye—many thanks for coming lis now so gene followed, was originally | carried by a Counter-Revolution.

VIVE LA GAETA! We notice that some English ladies of high distinction, emnaethining with the ex-QuzEn or Napugs, have presented her with a testimoni in the form of a turret-shaped diadem, that was intended to be “em- blematical of Gaeta.” e. should have thought ourselves that something adapted for masculine use would have been more acceptable to her deposed Majesty. A diadem is an ornament that ladies generall wear, and it is well-known that Sopnie AMELIE is above suc petty effeminate weaknesses. Now if our aristocratic sisters had pre- ‘sented the manly wife of Francis tHe Seconp with a brace of gold moo. or a silver cigar-case, or a jewelled dog-collar, or a diamond ilted riding-whip, or a beautifully-enriched poniard, we could have understood the meaning of the offering. There would have been point and purpose in the testimonial. There would have been both utility and ornament combined. But where is the a of giving a diadem to one who has lost her crown. It looks as though there was a rim of mockery round the gift. However, we are beyond expression to find, so universal has the practice of charity become, so ex! is the range of benevolence in the present day towards the very meanest things, that there are actually human beings who can find sympathy and heart-tribute fora Bourbon! It will be Fraycis’ turn next, of course—and we do not even despair of the Kine or Danomey being some day presented with a testimonial. Cruelties like theirs really shouldn’t go unrewarded.

AN OILY CANDIDATE FOR ROYALTY. A Mr. Berrnron, who resides in the Département of the Seine (or Insane, rather, as the reader will presently exclaim), has put himself forward in opposition to the ARCHDUKE MAXIMILIAN, as a candidate for the throne of Montezuma. In his electioneering address, which he has just published to the “Mexicans,” he says naively enough :— “ T have been told that you absolutely want a King. If do, take me. ‘3 cool!] Iam not of royal Lael I am Ci a po Th. py beads [there =: slight contradiction here, for we do not see how the Sot and the Sane can be possibly combined in the same department], and extract Oil from the Filth of Paris.” The only things we know “extracted from the filth of Paris” are French revels and romances. That oil could be got out of the gutter is certainly to us a completely new extract from the “ Mysteries

of Paris.” We suspect that Mr. Berrron is himself only a romance- rest and lowest-school, and one that is certainly not worth a Suz. When he talks of extracting “ oil from the | filth ef Paris,” he evidently means “the midnight oil.” It is onlya figurative way of saying, that he sits up all night to write his plays and } romances. rere | Mr. Bertson must have’a formidable rival in M. Louis Vu1.10r. | The latter has been all his lifetime extracting a variety of things “ from the filth of Paris.” ‘Lately he has even contrived to extract a perfume | from it. It is called Le Parfum de Rome, and is a has | sweet thing of its kind. The only fault that we find with it is, that M. Veurnzor has. not altogether succeeded in disguising the source of its origin. The } genius loci is a trifle too apparent. Too strong a stopper cannot be | applied to this Perfume. < : Mr. Berrroy signs himself “ Humanitary Candidate.” He forgets | to tell us whether he purposes making a personal canvas or not, of | ee He is having a handsome card printed to the following | effect :— writer in disguise, of the very

YOUR VOTE AND INTEREST ARE RESPECTFULLY REQUESTED M. ADOLPHE BERTRON, HUMANITARY CANDIDATE FOR

THE THRONE OF MEXICO.

FOR | | Not knowing the precise adult population, Mr. Bertron has had | two million copies of the above struck off, so as to enable him to com- mence electioneering operations immediately. They are to be dis- tributed all over the country from the car of a balloon. At present, the oily humanitarian is busily engaged in mastering the rudiments of the Mexican language. We have reasons for believing that the Arct- DUKE TMILIAN, will demand a poll. It is expected that the election will be a very warm one, more especially if ‘it is mixed up with any of the fighting that is going on there. Mr. Bertron has resolved | not to solicit the suffrages of the rebels.

A woman should never be taken unawares. Venus was never sul- prised—making out the washing-bill.

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13. U; Printers, at their Office in bard Street, in the Precinet of Whitetriars, in the of Lendon.--Sarvarar, March 1162, dj Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett E of Hip. JA, Queen's Raed Went, » and Pui Regent’s Park, both in the Parish of St. by them at No. %, Fleet Street, in the Parish

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——e — Maron 15, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 101 — THE WAY TO DO IT. We can make an obelisk; because we have got patterns to go by; ifwe had not, the best thing that we could do to commemorate by a monument any hero, statesman, or other Hay i'f sind public benefactor, would be to | y otie stick up a sufficiently large ii eich ww ae ‘ ost to him, and call it after i Nia TH ire KY , im. The post might be kept 1 Sa WG: i ~ well tarred, so as to preserve it, and the name of the person in whose honour it was erected could be painted upon it, and repainted every now and then to keep it fresh in our remem- brance. But, as aforesaid, we can make an obelisk ; and more than that, we can cast a tubular bridge. Precedent requires an obelisk to be a monolith, if it is made of stone: but must it necessarily consist of that ma- terial? Why should we not cast one in iron or bronze— found an obelisk ten times bigger than any other in the world, and show the nations what we can do in our own line, when we turn our hands to it as men of metal ? See ee = GF APROPOS OF THE LITTLE ROW a ctr Hf = IN GREECE. “Wuen Greek meets Greek RETURNED ARTIsT (after a year or two's study in Paris). “What enormous Hats you fellows wear in then does zo¢ come the tug of England, now /” war.” - French and feminine influences have upset the Baron Ricasoui, and PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Signor Ratazzi is the Italian enue So, of course, it is the business of journalists to show that the man who could not succeed in keeping his en was unfit for it. As Punch, like true THomas, suffers throw such light as he could upon the subject of Conveyancing Reform. | (unfortunately for a good many persons) under a total inability to say Puasus Cranwortu had Ais plan, which is to enable every person who | Utrue things, he observes, on this passage of history, that Baron has the fee simple in land to get a declaration of his title to such fee | Ricasour is a perfectly honourable, proud, stern, im lite nobleman, simple by paying a simple fee to the Court of Chancery. He then and just the personage to be insufferably objectionable in the circle shone out a second time, with a Bill for the Security of Purchasers, by whence he has been extruded. But he will be wanted again when the which, on the principle on which a Magistrate marks (not half often wind gets up. enough) a cabman’s conviction on the back of his licence, it is enacted that} Army matters were then discussed, and as Materfamilias may like to any dealing with the property shall be noted on the aforesaid Chancery | have a figure or two to poke in the face of Paterfamilias, when, duly Marcu 3, Monday. Lorp Cranwortu, whose motto is Post nubila Phebus, came out like Apollo from behind his cloud, and proceeded to declaration. Then came Lorp CHELMsForD with Ais plan, which is to | instructed by his journal, he is pompous at breakfast about our “ mag- create a Landed Estates Court, to consist of eminent conveyancers, and | nificent military establishments, my dear,” that lady, whose arith- also proposes a istration, which of course he thinks is a better | metic is so sound—witness the way she checks those little red books | one than that of Lonp Westrsury. The CHANCELLOR did not coincide in| and is down upon the dodgy tradesmen who make such acciden' j that opinion, and castigated the two ex-Chancellors for endeavouring to mistakes in their own favour—should know this. Sm Gzorcz Lewis, undermine Ais Bills while they puffed their own. Lorn Kixespown | one of the QuzEn’s Ministers, is the authority. We spend Seventy made, as usual, a sensible remark, condemning the system that paid a/| Millions of Sovereigns every year. We pay Twenty-six of these Millions conveyancer, not for the artistic skill he was called upon to exhibit, but | for interest on the National Debt—Bank of England, you know, M’m, by the len h of the deeds which he perpetrated. Finally, Six out of the | Aunt’s dividends, smart stockbrokers, and all that—and then, M’m, the Seven Bills on this subject were referred to a Select Committee. Lorp | Army, including the Militia, costs us Sixteen Millions, wo Hundred Ponca feels that one of these days it will fall to his lot to settle this | and Fifteen Thousand Sovereigns every year. Did youever see a pretty fuestion, and he intends upon that occasion to follow the precedent of | penny, M’m, except the silver one which itty kiddlums wears on the the good and great Pantagruel, when he ended the controversy between | Pine ribbon round her fat neck. If not, perhaps you will look at the the two Lords, whose quarrel had ocennied “a rabble of old lawyers for | last-mentioned sum, and say whether you see the prettiness of that six and forty weeks.” An’ hx vis not that the result of the deci-| penny. The House of Commons sees it, and voted 145,450 men to sion will be similar, ani tha he counsellors and all the learned spend a good deal of it in soldiering. And Mr. Punch is afraid that we doctors in the law will b she?’ with admiration at the more | can’t do the work, and protect your teacups and ‘geraniums from a than human wisdom of Pan's Pu as to fall into a trance and | hostile world, for a less figure. Mr. Wurre proposed to knock off Ten sudden eestacy and to ©): teee hours, until revived with | Thousand men, but instead of causing a Retreat of the Ten Thousand, he vinegar and rosewater.” {owever, let the Committee try its hand | had to retreat himself, inavery dilapidated condition, at the head of a first. | select party of Eleven—who fled before an overwhelming force of 139. In the Commons the Ch: “a.¢ felt was postponed until the 14th} A strong appeal was made in behalf of the Volunteers, for whom May, which is the anniver: «y 0: Battle of hen. where, as Mr. | some Government aid was asked, in consideration of the heavy expenses Ox rightly supposes, B exwnei vere first used as weapons of | they were obliged to incur. Mr, Bucuanay, of Glasgow, declared that conflict. AYARD stated ‘h»i the Moors at Tangiers had, on | unless Government did something speedily, there would be a large demand of the American Consv! | arrested two persons who had diminution of the Volunteer force. Governments have often made ded from the Southern pirat: the Seméer, and had let them go strange nautical blunders, but the worst they make is when, as too again ; but the special objes’ of | «eration was not expounded. | often is the case, they spoil a ship to save a haporth of tar. M

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+ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Maron 15, 1862. | ig Eart Dersy, in remarking on some legal redundancies in a law Bill, modestly described himself as “‘ an unlearned person.” nobleman who can read Italian newspapers, and can translate Odes of Horace into elegant English verse —he himself unlearned! Eh, Mr.-Cox? We were quite proud of our , weren’t us, the day we found out that the Bill of Rites was not the Act of Uniformity. But the unlearned Dexsy made the lawyers cut away the superfluous bosh, which turned out to-be “words of explanation,” and of course ened the business. oe We don’t spend all. our money in soldiers, Mrs. -Mitterfamilias. Government gives about £800,000 a-year in aid of education ; that is to say, a good deal less than a sixteenth part of the Armprexpenditure. And recently there has been an endeavour to render ‘this nditure ble. The Edueation Scheme is a teaser, M’m, for those rmed young men who come to your di and so fluently about yi here, «3 to the admiration of - Buancue and Lavra. It is a subject: that cannot be got up bya rapid glance-at the speeches —- one’s after-breakfast weed. And you may have re- marked, though you were too good- to notice it, how poor Aveustus Cackiey, who tried a little confident:talk on the matter, at dimer on Tuesday, was-floored by that reverendiand grim country Ma. Grossery Survussery, who is compelled to comprehend the whole business. Gussy made a gallant bolt of itwith that joke about Pupil-teachers ‘and ‘a young lady’s Eyes, but:the:table-adjudged:him sat upon. To-night, M’m, the Bistor or Oxrorp delivered a large: speeelt’ upon the subject, and without boring you with: or pretending to mean to Master’ Aveustus for his»next dinner; we may mention that the Bishop attacked the Reform which theGovernment have sought to bring about. The plain bof the matteris, that we have ludicrously neglected the Three R’s im our laudable British» zeal for a Fourth. We have not m insert much Reading, ’Riting, or’ Rithmetic into the children of the peor, but: we—all denomi~ nations—have w hard at somet which: is ealled- but which does not eee the noble thing which ‘that: word: should mean. So, when the Schools are examined, we find the children ex tremely intimate with Jzenosarnat, but on distant terms with Cockgr, Mavor and Carstarrs. This awkwardness, and a variety of evils that help to produce it, Government tries to do away, and of course battle is gi s who are—many of then "thoroughly t al er ven. b Payee , in earnest in their belief t the old system works well. The Bi made himself their mouthpiece, and was very eloquent, and not at convincing. There is to be much debating over the matter, before the Amended Revised Code is finally accepted, but we think, M’m, that you will observe that the Reform is in the right direction, and a_| sensible woman, like yourself, cannot fail to perceive the necessity of in education—thank you, M’m, a little more sugar. Mr. Cowrer stated that he had denied a site near St. M ts | Church to some persons who wished to erect there a statue of the late | Jossra Locks, the engineer. Considering that, as Mr. CHarues| Kwicut remarks in his invaluable Cyclopedia, “ Mx. Locxs’s name | must hold a chief place in any record of the development of our Rail- | way system during the last quarter of a century,” it does not much matter whether an official refuses or denies any particular corner for a statue to such a man; but a more appropriate locality might —_ be | selected than the gardens in which Cowrer’s Winter Morning’s Walk | is taken. Mr. Layarp stated that a miscreant,who had killed an) English doctor at Pisa would be duly dealt with by the authorities, and | that a Sardinian captain who had wopped a Maltese editor had been | fined ; in each case Baron Ricasoni aving as mig The first offender ought to be promptly abbreviated, but we should like to know a little more about the second case, in which one DzBono was the beaten y—all brutality is detestable, but some of the Maltese are b slanderers. Then came a goodish bit of Anti-ultramontane spite. Maynooth had sent an address of condolence on the late national loss. Mr. WHALLEY | demanded whether Sim Rosert Pex had ascertained that this | | was not a fo; , as from Maynooth’s notorious disloyalty (in proof of which Mr. Wuaxuey cited a song sung by the students), it was not probable that the College would express itself properly on such an occasion. Sir Ropert merely vouched for the genuineness of the document, but Mr. Bernat Osborne, with no great felicity, attempted to rebuke the querist, and-on a subsequent night had to eorrect nearly every one of his own allegations about Mr. Wuattey. But the latter should not air, upon ess occasions, the mantle which has descended to him from Mx. Spooner—the moths are annoying. An interesting debate followed on the question whether Brrrannia ought not to expect such of her colonies as have grown up, to defend themselves, instead of relying on her, and a resolution to the effect that at all events ony. ought to assist in their own external defence, was agreed to. Mx. Locke, Kine then got Counted Out. Wednesday was'the anniversary day on whieh by order of Grecory tHE Great there used to bea sprinkling of ashes, as a commencement of Lent. The day was called the: Dies Cinerum, or Ash-Wednesday. The ashes were abolished at the Reformation as. bei being “a vain:show,” ht be expected. Ap but surely the Legislature cannot think itself included in that defini. tion. It abolishes itself, however, on Ash- Wednesday. Thursday. The Bavarian Wick, which the Powers took so much trouble | to stick inter @ , isin a splutter, and may probably go out with a bad | odour. Thatis to say, many of Orxo’s subjects and soldiers are in insurrection. If the two parties would extirpate each other, and Pan were not dead, it would be an elegant thing to restore the old temples | and altars, and fit up Greece as Classical and Mythological Gardens | for the recreatienof mankind. Amdéwe would makes *"* * * * | the Curator, because he is the Greatest:Heathen wesknow. Whom do we mean? Find out. Army Estimates, and good debatesrthereon, in the-course of which ' Lorp Patmerston gave as detailed-and practical. an explanation of certain defects in the Armstrong gun, and their remedies, as Siz | WiuttaM himself could have given, and if Pam had not a perpetual | retainer from Us, and had not-bound himself to write for no other journal, we should have thought that he composed themarrative which appreeed in the Zimes-about the demolition of the: Fairbairn target at | Shoeburyness. Sm Grorce Lewis was facetiousabout “large bores | andsmall bores,” and-said that experiments with both were then going on, at-which the Committeelaughed. Later-the-Governmentwere less facetious, receiving-a defeat, by 81 to 53, and beimg compelled to knock £10,000 off the estimate for Sandhurst College; _Sztawxx, Member for the Cambridge:Colle leading the attack. Mr. Cowrer asked for and got £2000 to malte’atem Road aeross Hyde Park. It is for Exhibition purposesjand the Van Demons are not-toruse-it, but all vehicles carrying humam beings to the Show may. Thewote was earried by 78 to 28. _ Pridayx The Education Question was again raised in the Lords, this time by Loan: Lyrrieron, a thoughtful and: selolarly noble: who has _ muel attention to the subject;) His »was»@very different oration | from the showy, gushy harangue of the Bishop; and he«dealt in no | whol commination. He was answered by Lox GRANVILLE, and ultimately-withdrew the resolutions: he had proposed. The best and | shortest answer’to all objections to:the Reform is in the facts that-out | of 15,952 existing schools.only 6897 are-aided, and that only a fourth of the children in theseaided schools are r educated in return for | £800,000. So reports the Canon of Bristol, who has been for 35 years | an active educator. The Longford election has been carried by Mason O’ Remy and the priests, with the aid of the gentler suasion of bludgeons, occasional | remonstrances being made in the shape of charges by the dragoons. | “Tt is very fit that the Committee hear a riot,” and we presume the Pore’s Major will be unseated—meantime Srr Rospert Peex under- | takes to prosecute the rioters. Then came a long debate on the question of the American Blockade, which Mr. Grecory, in an able speech, endeavoured to prove no blockade at all. He thought that if it had been one, we were one- sided in recognising it, but being both unjust and ineffective, the House ought to declare against it. Divers speakers: exerted themselves, and the Solicitor-General, Stk RounpELL Patmer, who has. special repu- tation for international law, had his first opportunity of coming out with his learning. He thought that we ought to remember the difficulties in which the United States Government been placed, and: argued that there was no valid reason for condemning the blockade. Lorn Ropert Crcit professed extreme admiration of the “splendid” speech of Mr. Grecory, and the eloquence and learning of Sin RounpeELt, and talked of the distress occasioned by the present state of things. MIRAL Waxcort called the Stone Fleet a blot on the American escutcheon, and ‘the debate ended. The English Commons. evidently | mean to wait, but not to be dumb waiters. I. “HERE’S A COLL, MY MASTERS! ”—shakepeare. Tue Pythoness writes to us to complain.of the impertinent intrusion of Mx. Sctarzr upon her privacy. She does. not see, she says, why 4 poor serpent is not to be permitied to hatch. her eggs: in her own. way, without NeGRETTI AND ZamBra’s thermometers thrust in. upon | her maternal coils. No.wonder, she says, that. some warmth. may be detected in her under such persecution. She feels it especially hard, | when every lady in confinement is left to take her caudle in peace, that a poor Pythoness is not to be allowed her egg-hot without letters in | | the Newspapers. We have pleasure in giving expression to these feelings on the part of the interesting lady Python at the Regent’s Park. A Literal Correction. Wuewn Prince Jerome was charged with putting into the mouth of the people, on the return of NAPoLBon THE Vimar from Elba, the cry of “ a bas les prétres !” he declared that’ what-he said, or'meant to say, was “a@ bas les traitres!”? Prince Rome should really mind “‘y’s”—his cues he is understood to cake from the Tuileries, whatever appearances may say to the contrary. at

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usion Marcu 15, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 103 MILITARY MAWWORMISM. Edinb best to Masor ‘cently .as In excuse for:/hisbacksliding the | Were give | sin o! tothe an that fro orm the Ms _, _ HEN you are at Rome, %© be a Roman, and when you are at worm. This seems to be the notion of Waker, the com- mander of the Forces of Her Masesry in Scotland: for at a teligious meeting in Edinburgh the other day, he oceupied the chair, and =—=.-sion thus to: open pious fire ‘Before reading the =! . first Psalm = » Waker rose to make a statement expressive of regret. at having allowed shis name to/appear re- ; vate theatricals among the military, as hedindl heard that this had beema stumbling blodkrtorbany Ohvistions.” > itMawworm said that the theatricals ven for.a«charitable oy ore (and:doubtless charity will cover even the great d that he was not present at them, although assured ist. degree objectionable would be introduced, but for which assurance perhaps he might-have gone. In furtherglea moreover he put forth his - | opinion, that whereas it was profanity to see a play in public, theatricals in private it was no sin to see :— “* While he advisedly called a theatre a den of iniquity, he did not wish it to be supposed that he said the same of private theatricals.” So, according to this Mawworm, it is not the play itself but its being acted publicly that is so pernicious. When the tickets are sold privately there is no harm in the drama; but when vended by advertisement they are passports to the devil. For this logic the best comment is simply to ejaculate the fitting name of “WaixeER! ” In his fit of pious fervour, Mason GeneRaAL Mawworm very probably forgot the soldier in thewsaint, or he would not. have called a theatre a “ den “of: aniquity.” The QurEN, whose uniform he wears, hasever been a patron and frequenter of the playhouse; and, let the saints say what.they will, Her Masesty has done:good service to her country by so lending her best imflmence to purify its plays. Had she abstained from bias spresent:at well-con- ducted theatres, the effect of her.di ce would — have -been to bring discredit and debasement on the stage. The influence of the playheuseon ‘the people is oubted, and the nation hasin ae think, to thank its Sovereign for the puritys thich its plays are now performed. "Who is this ‘(Guwenat Mawworm that -he should call a theatre a “‘denvofsiniquity,” well knowing as he does that his Quwen -has» been so often to it? — By letting drop such mawkishseant ‘to Mawworm meeting, he uses words;umwotthy of a ae on subject ; he disgraces his ~profession:and insults UREN. h do your e a Maw- GENERAL took .ecca- , GENERAL @ ‘patron of A Woman’s eye-lashes are her teimmplial arches, under which she pore citadelof a.man’s heart. ULE LION’DU QUARTIER LATIN. A Song so styled, threatening the Emperor with the wrath of “ the youth of the Schools,” has lately been sown broadcast in the streets of the Quartier Latin —Of this high-flying Lyric, Mr. Punch ventures a version of his own, Ain—“ Mimie Pamard.” My Lion! There’s one time for roaring, Another for holding the tongue. At the Eagle yourselves set a-soaring Tn vain barges are flung. ¢ These workmen drugged dosy with flummery,— These troops won with praises and pay,— Theseytrials so summary, x ing with all legal mummery,— ake your roar very much like a bray. *“ The student,” yousay’s, “the forlorn hope That leads on the-masses unquiet ; ” ' But how, when the best have forsworn hope, And the rest.prefer slav’ry to riot ? When the power of the purse is surrendered, ‘the ‘power of the sword given away, When the yoke’s:on the necks that you tendered, And the habit’s engendered Of kissing the rod day by day ? My Lion, bethink you in season ; If France bow! the heart and the head, Is not this the most: operant reason, That riot reaction has bred ? Vain your song, though you sang like Amphion, e: ; weary 0 ks, Your sublime aspirati “r And flies from 4 To: put itself under TuE Fox, For your Lion’s a:terrible wild fowl . To be let to go loose in the streets. If Fox do now and then bag a mild fowl, What are vulpine to leonine feats ? ull dourgeois who ’ve seen constitutions - Worn out ere they well were tried on, Sick of red, white, and blue Revolutions, (The vile Lilliputians !) Only say to the Lion—“ Begone ! ” In a fight between Lion and Eagle,— Should it really come to a — Rypabiices eeesten and pm re equally creatures of prey. ** A plague upon both of as, : Says the dourgeois,—“ I care not two pins— So you ’ll leave us at peace with our spouses,”— To the mutton that browses E What matter which sheep-eater wins ? Rither rise, or your bonnet-de-coton, Draw down, my young Lion, once more : Get off the high rope that you ’ve got on, Or show you can rend while you roar. If you wish, as your couplets acknowledge, To “ eat Buonaparte,” why. then, In Yankee phrase, no more “ sock-dolage ”— My Cocks of the College !— t “ Up Boys and at him!” like men. Till you do, you ’ll excuse me for thinking,— Though the notion eles unpolite For a Lion who talks of blood-d - Your bark is much worse than your bite. At least the Elect of December Has shown himself = for a blow ; And the old “ Whiff of Grape” you remember, That swept round the chamb : And Thermidor’s Lions laid low ! ; THE SENSITIVENESS OF OSBORNE. In the debate on the Army Estimates, on ‘the discussion that took place relating to the alteration of cavalry forms, AL ORNE is reported to have said, “this is a matter which ought not to be joked away.” It is a rich thing to hear the member for Liskeard complaining of “a matter being joked away.” Of course, he never by any accident. jokes himself. He is the very last man to do it. Par exemple, is he ous of any one else joking? It maybe that he is envious of HALLEY, or THe O’Donocuue, and wishes to have the exclusive monopoly himself. In other respects, we must. sympathise with the sensitiveness of our injured friend, Bernat. He is quite right in complaining of the joking that takes place in the ouse. It is generally detestable; and, if it is painful to , we can easily under- stand that it must be doubly painful to listen to.’ If he can or put a stop to the nuisance, all those who, like ourselves, are com to read the debates, will be everlastingly his debtors. ‘[o carry out so benevolent a purpose, let him be'the first to show a example, and for the future heroically refrain from joking Wed We defy you, Bernat, to do it.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Maron 15, 1862. | | | | | THE VULPECIDE—BASE TO MY CERTAIN KNOWLEDGE, HE HAS DESTROYED TWO FoxtS—AND YET HE Fox Hunter. “THERE, DO YOU SEE THAT FeLLOW—WELL ! INDEED! WALKS ABOUT WITH A Hymn Book UNDER HIS ARM!” | canonisation o THE MAY MEETING AT ROME. CarpINAL WIsEMAN cannot understand why the Emperor Napo- | LEON should pane the French bishops from attending the solemn Japanese Martyrs to come off in May next, when the | Pore has invited the prelates of France, and all the rest of the world | | who own his supremacy, to repair to Rome in order to assist at that | | imposing ceremony. is unit gible. How strange that a WisEMAN should be so dull! His Eminence Yo the Cardinal the Imperial ve/o is unintelli- is his Innocence. Does he not see that Heron, alias Pontius Piare, | alias Jupas Iscaxtort, as some of the Ultramontane French clergy call | their Sovereign, may entertain some apprehension that if the Pore were to succeed in getting all the bishops of the Roman Catholic Church | congregated at Rome, his Holiness, whilst their hands were in at the | canonisation, might induce them to join him in an oditer decretum esta- | blishing the last new. dogma of the temporal sovereignty, and pronounc- ing all who dare gainsay it anathema? Cannot CarprinaL WIsEMAN conceive Napoteon to be possibly of opinion that the best way ef keep- | ing the French Church Gallican is to hoop the French bishops in Gaul ? The Holy Father will not evince infallible policy in canonising the Japan Martyrs whilst his own live subjects are kept under by liability | to acannonade. He will give thinking people occasion to observe that the martyrs contrived to propagate the faith unprotected by artillery and bayonets, and that their example seems to be much rather extolled than imitated by the author of their beatification, who, always com- laining of the lacerations of his pate heart, keeps, and long may e continue to keep, that injured vital organ in a whole skin. A Remonstrance. WE are requested by the Ricur Hon. B. D—sr—x1 to state that he is not “the tyrant Ben” who was alluded to in a theatrical trial a few days . He may have ruled with a rod of brass, but never with a rod of iron. The Toorz, from whom the statement in question | CONSERVATIVES AND DERBYITES. ADVICE TO ELECTORS. CanTERBURY has returned a Conservative candidate, and it is of the utmost importance to the c Austria, the Pope, brigands, that the North Riding and Wycombe should follow Canter- bury’s example. i Many honest but ignorant electors imagine that a Conservative is what a Conservative always was—an upholder of all valuable old English institutions. i A Conservative means a Derbyite, and what a Derbyite is was made manifest the other night by the Ear. or Dersy himself in the House | of Lords, when he took occasion to put a question to Eart RussELL calculated to elicit an admission damaging to Italian unity; a question which if we had had to guess who put it, we should have named the | . A Conservative, so called, is a gentleman who | wishes to reverse the foreign policy of this country, and reduce rebel- | venerable NoRMANBY. lious Italy under ‘subjection to its Bomparno, and Dukelings, and Kaiser, and Holy Father. A real Conservative, in the obsolete sense of whose removal from the Establishment in Downing Street, to be succeeded by Dersy anp Co., so many pious Irishmen of THE O’DonoGHUE’s persuasion, and so many Roman Catholic priests on the Continent, are praying and preaching, with a view to the humilia- tion of proud England. Let all electors who wish to contribute to this result rush to the poll, and record their votes for the Derbyite candi- date who calls himself a Conservative. Gradually Making Way. Tue Secretary ror War has actually been making a joke. Our notions of time and space will soon be overturned, since here is Lewes proceeded, had never the honour of belonging to the Tory party. actually going to Brighten! EX-KinG or Napies, the Emperor oF | and Cuiavong, the chief of the Bourbonist It is sometimes asked, what is a Conservative? | A Conservative is no longer any such kind of person. | the word, is a supporter of Lorp Pa.merston and Eart RvsseExt, for | Ne? n ‘WOIGHN HONAMA LVN NV HL

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Manon 15, 1862.] * PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 107 Garden Band is worth taking pains to write for, he has perhaps been OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. more than usually careful with his score. ; For the manner of production of the work, I give full praise, Bak PuncH,—Ifis as-|and this alone will doubtless prove sufficient to secure it a ; tonishing whem once a|run, when, as it is sure to be, it is next season reproduced. play has hit-the public} Louisa Emy Pywe never can sing badly, though she might sing | taste, how it is relished | even better if she gave herself more rest. Doubtless her late illness | in whatever shape it is | was caused by lack of this, and her voice is now so that preaated _ The ever- | public must feel anxious to have her take more care of it. Next year | ting Colleen Bawn \{ hope to hear more of her deputy Miss THIRLWALL, whovis.a has beem** reeited ’ as | taking and improving singer, although (as critics for: Soe ‘ gi ith a song, and played as/ an organ’ so powerful in tone. Mr. SANTLEY’s scena is ‘a thi a burlesque,améd adapt-} should be heard by all who have a taste for good musieqwellswng ; and ed as:am opera, and in| as for Mz. Harrison, who as head man of the theatrepof course | _. each form’ proves’ at-| undertakes the ‘header,’ I think he well deservessfullsenedit for the | \4] = tractive. It only re- way in which he struggles with what must bea : | Y= mains now to — it) [¢ 1s no. — to on Bay tebe have ae — Bovet. | = up as a ® sensation ’ | cau in a house so large that their pith is ‘in: the expanse. ballet, and let the) What becomesiof ‘quiet humour® weinepaetd have-almostitoshout ve|to make their talking audible; ; a in a | Scene be transacted in | delicate ‘aside,’ when, to reach one’s ear; it must beogi with | Mann and Hily; ot else to sites hahion of a| eT ke been la cuter ia wits | by Danny Mann an ly; or represent itimthe fashion ofa} “ ave been lately entertaining co visitors, : gi with hppodrama, and let the gallant Myles-na-Coppaleen tale his header insatiable appetite for ee I hawaneliee the Lily, seem the: horseback, @ da Marcus Curtius his jump into the gulf. se | Boy and Red Riding Hood. ‘As touching the: Adelphi,, ifsaeh boys as: the hunting chorus introduced by Mr. Benzpict might be made still | Mas. Boucicavit’s now rumabout in Dublin, I’m sureit ismawonder more effeetive by being sung on and a reak'fox might break | that'the girls should fall in love with them as soon as _~ pup. In | away in terror at the row. Everybody knows that»when a southerly | such a part the pathos seemed less natural thamthe fun, butefew critics | ae and a cloudy sky proclaim a morning, our hunting men | could speak harshly of such prettily pleading looks and sweetly symipa- | are wonted to-assemble in long-red-coats reaching to their heels, and to thetic voice. As for the burlesque, it has much lovely Irish segnery, | sing a stunning chorus with a whip-crackmg accompaniment, precisely | and many wretched English puns; but the story is so twisted that | as they do in Mz. Benzpicr’s new-opera, or as the Jagers in Der | few young minds can follow it. However, itéis sure to hold the ised itz do, as doubtless hevhas heard. And this hunting scene/till Naster; and so I need say no more about. it for the present, except would certainly be far more like to. life, were the singers all om horse-| to throw out a mild hint that the man who has an eye, and likes to see back, as at Astley’s they m be; and. their prancing steeds all | a pretty face (and pretty lissome legs to boot), and who yet trained to beat time with their hoofs. __ : ‘ to give a look at the Lyceum and Tien Lyp1a Rep Ripe Hoop, | “ By the newspapers:I seethatithe Lily-of Killarney is an opera far | is a fool whom it were flattery to call a brainless ass. ceverer than: WEBER could have wri even if Rosstn1 had helped “One wHo Pays.” ide his hand, and MryYERBEER or t had been by to give a ries tiasa iala ial hint. No praise is esteemed too high for such a work; and nothing has been wanting by the management.or audience to ensure for the COXSCIENCE MONEY: chef-d’ euvre a most rap success. Light pieces, with the over- We are glad to read that the Porg, out of the 300,000/r., which were E sellers had any hand in all this ing, the critics doubtless are collected for him by the Peter’s Pence Committee at Lyons, has re- ready to make an affidavit such could not have been the case. Poor | turned 20,000/r. The refunded money was for the benefit of the Lyonnaise Mr. Benzpicr! - How he-has beem buttered! What a nuisance it| operatives now destitute of employment. It is true the Pope still must be to any nightly thinking mind to find oneself the object of so} retains the Lyons’ share. A handsome balance of 280,000/r. is not a turous ture, were re-demanded the first ra ht; and if you fancy that the song- much soft soap! Were he a humbug and impostor who gained his | bad thing, in the hour of trouble, to have by one to draw consolation bread by p , the critics searee could have beslavered him much from. Some ill-natured people may say, with the distress existing in ve done. And being, as he is, a really good musician, |the town where the money was collected, that the Pore might have Q fully competent to feel own shortcomings and to} remitted more, but we mean to say that it only proves how keenly alive udge of his own work, how it must have pained him to receive such | Prus must be to the sufferings of his fellow creatures, when he sends so alsome praise; well-knowing that. the public were too wise to be much as 20,000/r. It has always been a staunch principle with the it! : ial . Church, and one towhich generally clergymen of all denominations adhere * Despite defects, however, which ‘the erities have not hinted at (and) with the most tenacious fidelity, that ro is to be, at the church doors. of what value is criticism if it fails to point out errors which thereby as at the theatres, ‘No Money Returned.” It is the one-theologi may be stopped ?) the Lily of Killarney is likely to attract: not so point upon which all creeds agree. In spite of this, however, and in much perhaps because it has much pleasant music, as from the fact spite of his own pressing wants, for which he must require-every penny that doubtless most porvle who ’ve seen the Colleen Bawn will like to | that St. Peter can scrape together for him, he: still has.the magna- take a look at their old pet in her new vocal dress. There is nothing | nimity to part with the above princely sum. Nothing but conscience very striking, or startling, in the opera: and one does not come away could have prompted this papel om parting, and it is, therefore, under from it whistling the tunes. Sentimental butcher-boys will not find it the head of “Conscience Money” that we embalm the precious act. quite so easy to lay hold of Mz. Bunxpict as they do of Mr. Batre; | ‘The surrender may be simply /e commencement de la fin, Having re- and though ‘ Hily Mavourneen’ is a fairly pretty air, it will not, thank | stored the 20,000/r., the Porn’s next aet of surrender maj be that. of | beso popular with organ-men as the melodies which haunted | his temporal power. So good a beginning should be followed up by us when first the famed Bohemian Girl was by Buyx tHe Gear pro- | even greater sacrifices. In the meantime, how agrecable to note down, duced. Still, the» music is ‘well written, and adapted to the drama| amongst the marvels of this wonder-exciting age, that.a Pope is. not which it has the task of the librettist'to adapt; and this perhaps | destitute of a Conscience! is plainer English than saying that the-music is marked by *charac- | — pe colouring thro’ id — = is difficult to _ 4 colour of what one only ear people’s ears in general will) « 9 be too blind to ‘perceive. Ladeed it may be doubted if any one in| THE RIVER TO THE sss OF HIS THOUGHTS. d could have written better music than Mr. Benepict has} Av the d fancy ball given in Paris by the Countess. WaLEwskr msidering the subject on-which he had to write. To compose | we read that a certain ome Lupott (or some..such name), went the Cave Scene would of course have | “in the dress of a river-god.” We chardly know what the dress.of. a limity would have suggested | river-god may be, unless it is a Pr of pe and that would hardly be BENEDICT. was..wise to: pursue a calmer course. | the thing for a ball-room, even though it were glacé'd for the occasion. ” he was compelled in.a great.measure to idealise, or there | If the ball had been inside a theatre, of. course. we'can understand the Would have been no scope for a good si in the part: and nobody | river-god would have retired into a baignmoire at once. Did he. walk. who hears the fine thus can feel regret that a mere | about with that traditionary urn tucked under his.arm.all the evening? I -hearted ruffian, with an exquisite | We have heard of “dancing waters,” but.a dancing river is.som i charming piece, and still | quite new on the ¢apis, and we shouldn’t think it would have the effect of alone,’ which Miss Pynz | much improving the latter. Probably, after Count only assumed. despair, Every one is aware! this dress of an aquatic god in order to be able to display what. the: the orc so 1| French call his riviéres de diamants, which of course were all of rag | ; and as the Covent'| first water. At what time, we wonder, did this river retire to.its- bed ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ——_., [Maron 15, 1862, ! Artist. “ My big Picture? come to your studio? How shall we dress? and what style of coiffure?” [Now, what is a fellow to say in such a fix as this? I haven't painted in the two principal figures yet ; because I can’t jind anybody pretty enough to sit for them. Ah! Miss Mary, if I could only induce you just to—” Miss Briwerr. “Oh/ my Dear Mr. M‘Gilp we should.both be only too delighted! When shall we OSBORNE ON ARMY CLOTHIERS, Ox! poor Bernat Oszorne, oh ! Durst you touch the theme of clo’ ? Government, you, goose of railers, Twit with turning army tailors ? You of all men, to defame them, “Monster Moszs anp Sons” name them! PALMERSTON a monster Moses ? What if we compare your noses ? ’Mongst the Sons of pele who Has a brother, if not you? But, perhaps you mean, those others Counterfeit your Sire and Brothers. You then, BERNAL, may we term Sleeping partner in the Firm ? Deem unworthy personation, Drew forth your denunciation Of the rival Shop ?—and learn That it’s not “ the same Concern ?”’ FEARFUL RETRIBUTION. On Thursday last we read that an order | for release from custody was allowed by Mr. |CommissionER Evans to a Bankrupt, who line.” This is a painful pr ruptey, as well as in Morality, of what a perverse indulgence in confirmed bad habits will ultimately lead a man to. He cannot long escape his doom. He is sure to be caged at last. other words, the Bankrupt above unished, on whose melancholy fate we will not too severe, is, in consequence of his crino- linear propensities, a living-example, with the slight variationof one bar, of the old distich :— “ He vot steels vot isn't his'n, Ven he’s cotched, he goes to pris‘n !” THE HAPPIEST OF MEN! Ws copy the subjoined letter of introduction from the French papers. | iM certainly deserves being included among the choicest del/es-lettres of 'rance :— | “* My Dear Vicror-EMMANUEL, “ Receive Dumas. He is my friend—as well as yours, erat: rs Core. “ ALEXANDRE Dumas.)” ** GARIBALDI.” Happy Dumas! Not only does he associate with kings, but with | reat men like Garrpatpi. The latter takes an honest pride in calling his “friend.” It must be a proud title for the same man to be called “ the author of Monte Christo, and the friend of GarrpaLpI.” However, such an accumulation of honours, under which any other od of shoulders, less Atlas-like, would be weighed down to the earth, joes not make ALEXANDRE in the least proud, and, in giving a friend a facsimile of the above letter, he takes particular care to testify, for fear of the world, or posterity, being deceived, that it is “‘an exact copy.” And the world does now know, as posterity will, that Dumas is Garrsatpr’s friend, Victor-Emmanvet’s friend, everybody’s friend, in short: of everybody, at least, who has read his charming books. He is, in truth, everybody’s friend, even including the bailiffs, for they seem to run after him more than any one else. Indeed, the attentions of the latter almost take the form of persecutions. In spite of the Auissiers, however, Dumas is the happiest of men. Not a day passes but some paper says something about him. He is uniformly successful in making people talk about him. It is true that it is not always praise that is bandied about in public in connection with his name; it is equally true that, when his character is canvassed in print, it is not always | sugar that is sprinkled over it. But what of that? is he not perpetually talked about ? and do we not know that to be perpetually talked about is considered in France the very greatest height of human iness attainable in this world ? es, ALEXANDRE, thou art the happiest of men. The above letter is for thee a sure ant to Fame, and fortunately thy modesty does not prevent thee showing it. Great genius, we envy thee! Indeed, so great is our envy, that we feel panes to borrow the words of IOGENES, and, igen: Bg the blaze of thy world-illumining splen- dour, reverently to ex “Tf we were not Punch, we would be ALEXANDER!” HESITATION IN A GENTLEMAN’S SPEECH. THE proceedings in the Court Martial which has been held at Dublin on Captarn Ropertson of the Fourth Dragoon Guards, on a char which, in substance though not in terms, is that of not having promptly | was described as a “ Manufacturer of Crino. | i i proof, in Bank. | enough challenged a person who had insulted him to fight a duel, have | been reported at full length in the Morning Post. The subjoined extract from that journal is an example of faithful re = = should like to see generally followed. A “ Round Rebin,” aving for | its object the removal of Captain Rosertson, signed by the officers | of the regiment, and addressed to the Colonel, is the document alluded to in the President’s question, addressed to the witness, CoLoNEL Bentinck himself :— “ By ‘unanimous,’ did you mean that Lievrenant Ruytoct ought to get the other officers to sign it, or did you mean that it would be no use unless it were unanimous ? “ Wirness. I have only a faint recollection of speaking to LreuTrENANT RINTOUL on the subject, and to the best of my belief my idea at that time was that it ought to be—ah—ah—unanimous, in fact, that—ah—ah—every officer ought to sign it.” Coronet Bentince’s explanation of the word unanimous as sues to the signature of a document, reminds one of that which ardolph volunteered to give of the word accommodate. “ Unanimous, in fact, that—ah—ah—every officer ought to sign it” is a definition as | lucid as the gallant Colonel could have pronounced if he had clothed it in the very words of Falstaff’s red-nosed follower :— ‘Unanimous ; That is, when officers are, as they say, unanimous; or, whet officers are,—bemng—whereby—they may be thought to be unanimous ; which is a2 excellent thing.” What a pity it is that Parliamentary speeches cannot be taken down | by a sort of phonography, so that they 5 be published in the papers, | and read as they were actually spoken! If Honourable Members knew | that their eloquence would be faithfully reproduced next morning for the amusement, perhaps, as much as for the instruction of the British public, they would soon unlearn their hums and haws and unnecessary aspirates, and would learn to sound the letter 4 in its place. : ry debates and proceedings are enlivened for the reader by being reported with the literal fidelity above instanced, preserving the gr0- tesque character of a reply which, pruned of redundances, might have been a straightforward answer to a simple question, and not at diverting, but which, as it stands, comprises and combines the fun Bardolph and Lord Dundreary. aw | BISHOP AN Mr. } nooth gC women ¢ Mr. Jem Ce ap a

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Manos 15, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. WELL WORTH THE MONEY. | JOHN BULL’S PUZZLE. —ITt Ruesy Board of Health, | I Can’r make a statue, but that I don’t mind ; wanting a water supply | Tis a thing I can go on without ; for the town, at the sug-| And ornament, save with utility joined, gestion of Mr. HawkEs- | Is what I don’t care much»about. LBY, bored down to the | But in bridges and railways:my genius you see ; new red sandstone to get | And I can make machines that make money for me. it. They got to the| water-bearing strata of , : that formation, and also| — ~"And'‘can't, Tm ackancd coahose” ©? oo to an unsuspected de- | A scheme of taxation construct, with a screw posit, of rock-salt, by On each payer that duly shall press, r po tol — ry pes Bee I can’t for my life make the Income-Tax fair, That, but i found to bs | ra tax in its stead frame by compass:and square. getting salter and salter, | containing, besides a_ large tity of com- | “ , mon seli:-aeieeiiatiine of} A DUEL AMONGS? THB *POTHERBS. other salts such as-are | Accorninc to the Zepresse— commonly found in| ; mineral springs, How-| ,,.™*, Surmm_O Durer bop chllepees Rumen, Por. to mest ever, if they.digon down | '‘cahbage-garden traitors!” eae ee ee to the permian stratum, | E : geology says that they; Of course this statement is)a ‘hoaxw at Mr. Smrrx may perhaps get fresh |O’Brren’s expense. The descendant. of Brian Boroo water, but they will would not dream of playing secondsfiddleito the rival pre- | have to dig very deep, tender to the throne of Ireland. Qnesfool makes many; which will be a great and THe O’DoyocHve may havesimitaters; but Saute : f bore, and the bore will O’Brren will not be one of them». He,does not want to be the greater should me fruitless. But let them not despair. According | add to the greens which he has earned forvlaurels. If he to good authority the salt-spring they have reached possesses strong medicinal did, he would at once invite Sti Roser? Pret to fight | properties, and might do for a Spa, or else for a salt-works. Thus, though the} him in the Vegetable Kingdom itself. He is.not:so very sanitary reformers of Rugby are afraid they have sunk all the money in this well | great a fool as to stir the affair ofthe en any that they have spent in digging it, perhaps, like the sons of the old gentleman in | more, at any rate by goin to Belgium:to a duel, and the fable, they will find that whilst they have been disappointed of the treasure | getting -his name, already : they dug for, they have discovered a richer. We like to console the disappointment | cabbages, into further ridiculous association with Brussels of i un and encourage sanitary enterprise. | Sprouts. ' | | ady compromised ‘with respect to WISEMAN OR WALKER? | PHILOSOPHY STOOPING TO PICK UP A PUN. ie iho Kanten, pa al pa me by Canpenes, een, th com- | _ Tere never will be so brilliant a Session as the present. It has, py parti er flourish that a or aa ~ i iike he y Necnamy ste ~ in addition to other pieations, _ which oe are kindly ~ to cular - - ~c os; | Musems. Pup ?Don z . RNE, a | The Cardinal tells his flock that to the imperfect observances of indi- a ee Bae vp nem — "ihumined with = witliden denn the lips } Viduals are added, on.their behalf, at. this season of mortification, the | -¢ 4}. Ww. ; ; ok | Hi ti d ? « nobl Sait © cletehinad oi | of the War Secretary. We should as soon have expected: a joke to ) Smowons, prayers, and penances:02: nOdie-souls;” —ClOls vit-| drop from the mouth of acannon! Such a thing has never occurred gins,” and “religious cenobites : ”— | before, and probably never will occur again. Here it is, in all its-efful- “ Bat more then all Abe w wosompicining moans ~ clergy and senate one and | gence, undiminished of a single ray :-— oe oe or sis ree ‘* Str G. C. Lewrs said the Hon. Gentleman wished to elicit his opinion as to the dass that anust be destroyed.” lati its of a large bore and a small bore. (Laughter.) Experiments were still | ve merits of ¢ e bore and a re. er. | Name! name! your Eminence. What clergy and what people are aint a (Renewed Laughter.)” _ | crushed and despoiled ? What homeless monks and roofless nuns are s ; } , cast out, or calles, to put your question into intelligible English, what| | What a pity Six Grorcr Cornwatt did not describe the natureof | monks and what nuns are cast out of their homes and from under their | those experiments. Why did he not give us examples of “the large | expressly with the intent’ that’ they may perish, as a class that| bore” and “the small bore?” It can only have been the embarras | estroyed ? Do' you mean the people, or any of the people and | d« choir that puzzled him. Str Gzorex should: have followed his | clergy of Italy? Is it true that the inmates of pgpeenenl convents | success up, and have given us a description of the “smooth bore.” If and nunneries have been actually turned out of their houses without | he had not been so nervous, and flurried with the hay ae would provision or compensation, and left to starve? If it is true, and you| doubtlessly have pointed to the First Commissioner of Works as: a can prove that it is, you will deprive Vicror-EMMANUEL of any moral | very good specimen of the latter. ; : support that he can derive from Punch. If it is not true, whom do you! Sir GeorGE was complimented on all sides for his successful first | mean, and whom do you accuse? Mr. Pwnch pauses for a reply, and | attempt. Amongst others by— trusts, in the mean time, that Fabiola is your Eminence’s last TOMA. ‘““Mr. Grirrira, who was glad he (the War Secretary) had been fortunate enough Pa _ — ae by mn of your naa ed be nag portion | to elicit a joke from so dry a subject. (Laughter.)” of the Roman Catholic clergy and people is that which utters uncom. . ee f ie . laining moans? Is it the ch ultramontane Bishops who call the| It strikes us vividly that GrirrirH is looking, ot ie = —. MPEROR NarotEon, Heron, and Jupas Iscariot, and Pontius, ment. We wonder how the poor astonishe ? P ooo er ry San alter ta gunn Senet he ening, gS Te hares ar pata i | j Te: i t ist’ bri ? ot, w RI PR, i our uncomplatning eoaners - Who ? "Wh — aattie-bnw Boexd maiden witticism ? ' om a A oe we be so dull as not to twig your Eminence’s albanien’ Sure, and it’s| However, anxious to encourage rising meri b hye fh y | AxcusisHor Curzen that your Eminence has in your eye, and Ancu-| t00 happy to engage Sim Gzorce as a constant contributor. e can | Bishop M‘Hatz, and the faithful Irish : | let us have a couple of gross of puns every week (only a trifle of pun- . : | gency superior to the sample above quoted), we have no doubt we shall | ‘be able to come to terms. We can promise him that-his. salary shall | ; | be better than his present one, and moreover he will have a rare enya. A Nuisance that Requires being Told to “Move On” tunity, one that does not often geome itself, at mane ~ eae a Mr. Wuattpy is dearly fond of a noise, always beating that May- ' great reputation. It isa pity that nascent. talen e shou nooth gong of i until he: fairly deafens us, and fri htens all the old allowed to remain dormant. Women of the island out of their propriety. He evi ently is not what Mr. Jem , in the Wandering Minstrel, calls “the W(a)autny of peace ard quietness.” How to Lay a Goop Fire.—Contradict your Wife.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —$———. [Marcu 15, 1862 Gen) Lemay, .“‘ J am not going to wade through that Mud.” Cap. “ Bill, pull up a bit nearer to the near side for a Swell as Cleans his own Boots.” GREAT BRITAIN IN BANKRUPTCY. Tuart highly estimable newspaper, the New York Herald, has been keeping up its character for truthful information by putting forth a statement. that this country is. now standing on the brink of national bankruptcy: citing as authority for making this assertion the paragraph that follows from our Western Times :— “* Bankruptcy.—The enormous length of the list of bankrupts trenching so much on our space, we omit it. The Gazette of Bankruptcy will afford a great treat to those fond of this sort of reading.” The Gazette of Bankruptcy is a most useful geen. and one that stands unequalled for sticking to plain facts. There is no romancing in | the statements which it publishes, and every word in it can be supported by positive full proof. But truthful as its statements indisputably are, the Gazette of wet does not afford quite a true picture of our | national condition to those who may be unacquainted with the state of | English law. If the writer in the New York Herald, whose comments we subjoin, would take the trouble to consult his learned fellow-citizen Mr. Epwin James, he might learn that by an Act which was passed in our last Session the distinction between trader and non-trader was | abolished, and the Insolvent Debtors’ Court and the insolvent juris- diction of the County Courts were stopped. The effect of this has been that every small debtor who gets into a mess has his affairs adjudicated by the Court of Bankruptcy, and his name is prominently brought before the public, which under the old law would not have been the case. If the New York Herald writer would take in the Gazette whose words he uses for a text, he would see that fully nine-tenths of its list of bankrupts are made up of entries such as “JoHn Srusss, chimne sweep” or “TrmorHy Barra tinker,” and the like names of sm: note, which a year ago could not have had the proud distinction of being publicly presented at the British (Bankrupts) Court. But not having the advan of subscribing to and reading the Bankruptcy Gazette, the New York writer, on the faith of the extract we have quoted, acquaints his readers with the following by this time world-known facts :— “The truth is that England, fi ially and jaily, was never in a more rotten condition than she is at the present moment. er people are nn A SONY CAS: WACTORA Sia under such a load of taxation that they are unable to support any further burdens. | With her cotton mills closed or working on short time, her exports to this country | reduced by one-half, famine decimating the Irish portion of her population, and starvation impending over her English operatives, she was in no condition to pick | up the gauntlet had we chosen to fling it to her. She might, it is true, have damaged our navy, temporarily-obstructed our ‘commerce, and wrought us some injury on our seaboard ; but the cost of all this, like ‘ the last straw that breaks the camel's back,’ would have so ground down her, le and bankrupted her resources that rebellion and revolution at home would have been the inevitable result.” How true is the “truth” which this ingenuous writer tells of us, the dullest of observers with half an eye may see. Of the “famine’ now in Ireland all our newspapers are full, and the way in which the people there are daily being “ decimated” the sad debates in Parlia- ment abundantly attest. In England too “ starvation” stares us in the face. Our work-houses are all as full as they can hold, and not the “ operatives” only, but many who were lately the most splendid of our swells, may daily be seen clamouring for entrance at their gates. Our soup-kitchens are thronged with a crowd of hungry. applicants, some of whom were a while since the greatest gourmands of the day. By the present dearth of food, the Lorp Mayor is reduced to a bread- and-water diet ; while dozens of the Aldermen, and other lovers of good dinners, may daily be seen chalking ‘‘ We are Starving”? in the streets. Every one is looking for rebellion to break out, and some of our more sanguine revolutionary organs have fixed the fatal day for the beheading of Lorp Patmerston, and for proclaiming a regelic under, Mr. RoBEsPIERRE Bricut. In fact, the New York Herald but very faintly pictures our miserable plight and we only hope when next this frank and friendly paper talks of us, it will try to speak more nearly to the actual truth. Bernal’s First [this Season. Oszorne (our Cosiate? — being asked by a lady, “ To what par- ticular class of reptiles the Python belonged?” at once nobly con- fessed his ignorance; but quickly recovered himself in the lady’s estimation by observing with his usual readiness, “that, from the number of eggs the one in the Zoological Gardens has laid, he should say it must be an Adder.” ne Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, U) Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regen hard Street, in of London, and Publi Princers, at their Office in Lom the Precinct of Whitefriars, London.—Saronpar, March 15, 1+63. - me Tap Oe t’s Park, both in the Parish of St. in the County of Middles by them at No. Go Wleet Street, in the Parish of Bt. Bride inthe Oley of Dent besides, 4

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H | WV OMA SSS Hy i her Marcu 22, 1862.] a EF CL AhuAd ee aT ee ae lf of a [ Ladhatp—e Ss YOUNG AND BRAVE, BUT MERCENARY. Dentist. ‘* Don't cry, my little friend. I didn’t hurt your Sister very much—and besides, your Mamma has just given her half-a-crown.” Boy. ‘‘ Boo-hoo! m-m-mayn’t I have a tooth took out too?” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FRANCE AND MUMBO JUMBO. | Musso Jumso reigns in Rome, Feared beyond the salt sea-foam, By his subjects scorned at home : They laugh at Mumso Jumzo. Mvmso Jumso governs there, Guarded in St. Peter’s Chair, Romans France compels to bear The yoke of Mumso Jumso. Mvumso Jumso Frenchmen rules By the help of priestly tools, For in France too many fools Believe in Mumzo Jumso. Moumso Jumszo frightens France, Or Napo.eon would advance, And withdraw his countenance Away from Mumso Jumzo. Mvumso Jumso then would flee, Or in Rome but own a See, Capital of Italy Exempt from Mumzo Jumzo. “THE PLAY’S THE THING.” We read that there have not been less than three suicides | this year at Homburg from gambling. We have heard of “the hazard of the die,” but the above calamities would indicate that there was very little “hazard ” indeed about lit. Is it not rather “the certainty of the die?” So many end their days fatally, who lend themselves to the madden- ing pursuit, that we should be inclined to pronounce it “a dead certainty.” Of all follies, gambling would seem, with painful truth, to be the most suicidal. Those German prin- cipalities, that — themselyes by the produce of the gaming-table, may be said to exist pektieally by means of blood-money. FrepeRick Lemaitre used to play in a popular melodrama, called Vingt-cing ans de la vie d’un Joueur, Five-and-twenty years is a long period for the feverish existence of a gambler. If you were to limit it to as many days, we think it would be much nearer the |mark. The play of the Gamester is never one that has a | long run. ! PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Marcu 12. Monday. Lorp Campsett (as Lorp StraTHEDEN has elected to be called) raised the Blockade question. He insists that we are not Neutral in the American quarrel, for that we recognise an inef- fective Blockade, and that this is unfair to Richmond. New York may muddle up a quotation and say :— “* Why, what is that to me More than to Richmond, for the selfsame England That lours at me looks sadly upon it.” ; Lorp ABINGER made a statement which must enchant the Americans both North and South. He had travelled in the States, and had formed 4 favourable opinion of both populations, and therefore he did not wish us to raise the Blockade, but thought that the time for recognising the South had come. The Foreign Secretary defended his conduct, urged that the Federals had certainly done their utmost to make the Blockade effectual, and that three thousand miles of coast are not easily guarded so closely as to make infringement impossible. But the vessels that have run the Blockade were few, and of no important character, and a better proof still was, that somehow the Southern Cotton did not get out, although England and France were eager for it. The Earl hoped that in three months, or sooner, we might see an end of the war, and that the Separation of North and South, whose old feelings it would be impossible to renew, might be accomplished peaceably. We hope so too; but the North, after a series of disasters and disgraces, is now coming: down on the South, in such an overwhelming force, that we fear there for a time at least we shall have to say, V@ victis. Mr. Disraztr called on the Premier to state whether another edict which breathes out threatenings and slaughters against the eapolitan brigands, and those who may assist them, were genuine. — Patmerston spoke of the document with disgust, and hoped to able to learn that it had been disavowed and censured by the Kixe Cy Eran. Readers of journals will observe that just now it is the uservative game to be very pathetic on behalf of the poor peasantry of the districts from which the despots have been ejected, and it is remarkable that when the liberators, very wickedly, take a leaf out of the cruel book of the old dynasty, our Opposition is affected even to tears, though in the old days, ten times as much atrocity was wrought without {notice from the tender-hearted Tories. Now, the latter are quite right in protesting against cruelty, but they have been a good while in finding out that it hurts, Army matters again, and Sandhurst College (which has been rather neatly termed a Horse Guards’ Preserve) came up again. Sim G. Lewis proposed to the House to reverse the decision against the en- largement of the College, and after a debate, carried his motion that the subject should be reconsidered on the following Thursday. It seems that the authorities of our Universities are desirous to assist in |, romoting military education, in connection with Sandhurst, and ere long the streets of Oxford and Cambridge will resound to the sonorous voices of the Dons, classically calling to the young soldiers Gradu militari incedere, presenting a Vevillum, with the warning Magnum perdere crimen est, bawling to them in orbem se tutari to resist cavalry, and perhaps bestowing as reward a corona castrensis, or vallaris. It Albemarle Street can spare Dr. Witt1am Situ for half an hour, that learned gentleman might advantageously dash off a classic manual for the soldier-scholar, so that the ingenuous youth could learn at once his drill and his dictionary. | Tuesday was chiefly remarkable for the beginning of a little duel | between two of the most accomplished duellists in the legislature. It _ happened that the Second Reading of the Cuancetior’s Lunacy Bill ‘came on, and that Lorp Cuztmsrorp thought proper to take sundry | objections thereto. They were not wise objections, and one especial piece of nonsense was Lorp CHELMsrorn’s fear lest the public ex- |amination of a lunatic might scandalise the modest and virtuous | audience in court. In the first place, the Judge could and would stop /or remove any unfortunate creature who might give vent to the | utterances in question, and in the second place, on the principle de | minimis non, it is a little ridiculous for the law to be considering the

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112 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 22, 1862, gaping crowd that chokes up our its own business, which is, primd defended the Bill, and roof of folly to sub- hen came out Lorp Lorp CHELMSFoRD, and for objecting to the provision for trying lunatics by Judges, when the same provision was introduced into a Bill brought forward | by Sm Huen Carys when Lorp Dersy’s law-officer. Lory Densy instantly retorted that the charge was un- founded, and that the Cuancetior’s Bill was peremptory, whereas Sr Hueu’s was permissive only. There was some smart sparring, Lorp Westsvry accusing Lorp Dersy of speaking on “imperfect infor- mation.” feelings of the idle, dirty, lounging, courts of justice, fustead of minding Sacie, to wash itself. Lorp SHarTEesBuRY sensibly, except that he contended that it was no scribe to a society for converting the Jews. Westsvry in defence of his Bill, and his friends, with short memories “« Friends meet to part. Love laughs at faith. True foes, once met, are joined till” the next menting of the upper division of the legislature. The Bill was read a Second Time. : At length the Chinese Rebels are to be prevented from destroying every place they can lay their hands on. They have ruined one of our Treaty Ports, Ningpo, though the cruel dastards could have been blown into Tartarus of ew volleys from our marines. But now that they threaten Seem i, orders have been given, as Mr. Layarp § to-night, that this place, which contains millions of British property, shall be protected. The strange inconsistency which drives off these scoundrels at one time, and at another permits every pay is only to be explained by the fact that China is a long way off, and therefore it is lucky that the new telegraph is likely to bring it a good deal nearer. Lorp Rosert Moytacv is a conscientious man, and is touched by the fact that though Parliament pretends to look after the public money, it really does not. He is also a man of the world, and knowing that you might just as well expect Honourable Members’ wives to give up crinoline (until ordered to do so by their milliners) as to expect Honourable Members to give up their time to watching the dieguaa of such money, he evasively proposes to appoint a Committee to do the duty supposed to be done by the House, and to revise the accounts and estimates. Needless to say that all the Men of Business were up in arms, Sin F. Barue, Frep. Peer, Guapstone, all sruaeeg the plan, | or that it was rejected by 96 to 31. _Natheless, despite the men of business, there was a st to be said in its favour, and one of these days it will be discovered that amid all the complex machinery for | man: ing the national accounts, there isa Missing Link somewhere, and that Joun Buxt is done a good deal browner than is supposed. Then began a solemn debate, originated by Mr. HorsPa.t, who is a | Conservative mercantile Candidate, and who will have the support of | the CoppENn and Bricut 7 perhaps some other support, if Mr. , Disrazxi sees fit to extend it. The question is one of International | Maritime Law. Privateering has been abolished—the abolition being | confirmed by the Declaration of Paris in 1856, to which Seven European Powers are parties, but not America, The neutral flag covers an Enemy’s goods, except contraband of war, and the Enemy’s flag protects neutral goods, with the same exception. Now just remember this, Cox, because it is a bore to have to be always explaining to you that a neutral bottom does not mean the bottom of the sea around neutral und, and that a privateer does not’‘mean the Private Tier of boxes. Row. observe. Mr. Horsraxt, for Liverpool, and Messrs. CospEn and Bricut for others who recognise nothing except the interests of trade, desire to go further, and propose that private property of an enemy shall not be taken out of an enemy’s ship. Do you see what rule them any more, and that it shall cease to be any concern of any- body’s save the professional combatants, whether war goes on or does not. Lorp Patmerston declared that the a. if carried out, .| would deal a fatal blow to the naval power of England, and be an act of political suicide. So it was eenaagel | to have a long debate on the subject, and the following Monday was fixed for that event, Mr. Cospren “ having the floor.” Wednesday. The Wife’s Sister was disposed of. The Widower is not to marry her. There was a short debate. Mr. Monsexu stated his view of the marriage tie in the language of the poet,— ‘* Wedded love with loyal Christian lady is a mystery rare, Body, heart, and soul in union make one loving pair.” but he didn’t say whether “rare” meant “seldom found,” or “exalted,” nor did he explain the difference between a loving pear and a love apple, — he talked some other nonsense, and instanced, as a possible result of an alteration of the present iage laws, a case like that of the gentleman in Prussia, who sat down to play whist with wife and two other ladies who been his wives. As he was quoting hereby without any i ication, he should have cited from Six Butwer Lytton touching this interesting partie carré, “ In the game called Woman Diamonds are always Trumps for Hearts.” Six Wii11am JoLLirre gave support to the Bill, Mr. Greeson said this means? It means that Brirannia, who rules the waves, shall not | that a million had petitioned for it, and only 140,000 against it, and! i Ie eee threw it = by 116 to 148. c - R. BOUVERIE brought in a Bill for relieving a clergyman, who should happen to turn Dissenter, from his canonical obligations. At present a Bishop can serve out such a schismatic rather severely. By means relieve conscience from all carnal fetters, but we suspect that if | a Bill could be for Moving Dissenting ministers to become | clergymen so i more simply than now, the Church would gain q many more Tecruits than it will lose by the above Bill. The fact is that Dissent is not genteel, and Churchism is, and when a man gets on in the world, and marries a lady, they find out that they owe it to their family toget among the superior classes. Can’t the Bishops see this? Thursday.—Lords Dersy and Wxestsury went at it again, and alter some very sharp exchanges on both sides, delivered wit the utmost ymalice and suavity, Lorn Westsury repro the Lords for noi Pies ‘chlo to'sit still while he was speaking, Dery ironi- cally obs that the Cuance.tor could not speak from imperfect information, Westsvry felt compelled to allow that “a smal ovation” was due to the Earl, This is the first turn-up that ha occurred between the two most fearless fighters and hardest hitters in the House, and gives promise of much sport for the legislatorial Fancy. The ns availed themselves of Sux G.C. Lewis’s polite inv. tation, andrescinded their vote against Sandhurst. Mn. C. Forms.’ oun explained that a system of local self-government is to be given to| the New Zealanders, and Mr. Hew ey, in speaking of education, venti. lated amepigram of his own, describing the present system.as “ and Sham,” which was not so bad for our old friend Gramble and Stumble Friday. A short and decorous debate on the Revised Code. ‘Lox St. Lowanps does not like the grouping of by age, for examination, and the Bisnor or Lonpon thinks thatithere should le two grants, one based on examination, theother on@tten . > The Bishop said that he knew much of the state of public feeling, an believed it had undergone a great change, lately, in favour of the Revised Code, which, with some modifications, would be tly satisfactory. Such testimony is simply invaluable, and should setil: the question for all clerical malcontents~of course-it must be fough out with persons who make it a mo i ion. The Miseellanea of Friday night not comprise much interestin: matter. Mr. Layarp declined to ask the Llalian Government au more questions as to whether the EmpERor oF THE FRENCH was trying to obtain Italian territory, as_satisfactory assurance to the contrary had been already given. Mr. Layarp also had an opportunity of de claring his belief that Turkey was going on well, that the new Suxrs was a wise man, that the finances of the country might easily be placed! in a sound condition, and that the Turks were honest men. “ tle had | great hopes for Turkey.” An excessively unsatisfactory statement was made by the ArroRNEY-GENERAL on the subject of the Consolidation of the Law, and we doubt whether three per cent. of our Acts will ie| wiped out, so as to qualify the Statute Book to be called the Three Pe Cent. Legal Consols. Lorp Patmerston regretted that the bigotry of the Spanish priests prevented any successful interference for cerlail Protestants who had been thrown into prison in Spain. We rather think, however, that these unfortunate individuals had really bea breaking the laws of their country by reading the Bible to congregs tions, large or small, and though such a ground for imprisonment i shocking to us, we ought to place ourselves in the position of a natioy, with a faith which a certain preaching is calculated to bring into cov tempt. The Bible describes Popery as a lie. Are the Popgr’s servan's | impolitic or illogical in preventing the Bible from being read? Finally, | Mz. Cowrer brought in a Bill for proviiiing money for building nev | Courts of Justice between the Strand and Carey Street. Have we 10 heard of something of this kind before? A Printing-House of Correction. “Tare is but one Journalist in France (said M. Jun#s Favre), a0 that is the Emperor.” He is sometimes known, also, by the name o “ Monstevr Communiqus.” However, not only is Louis Napotz0y a Journalist in his way, but he is likewise a Printer on the very largest seale, for no one possesses in France to the same extent as himself the| power of stopping the press whenever he likes. But then this must be said in the Emppror’s favour, he never thinks of stopping the press, unless it is with the humane object of correcting it. j - n more senses than one, Lows Naporteon is the Monitewr 0 rance. ! “The Schoolmaster’s Abroad.” Ar the time of his going, fn the Schoolmaster has been absent 10¥/ so long, that we fancy it is high time he returned home), he wrote it] chalk over his door :—“ Back AGAIN IN AN EpucationaL MINUTE. | However, that minute, like a lady’s, when she says she won't be*] minute putting on her bonnet, is such a precious long one, that Wt) confess we have nearly lost all patience in waiting.

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y beet} ngregs | nent is nation, to Col ervants Finally, ng new we not ze), and name of POLEOS Marcu 22, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. A PLAINT BY A PITMAN. ANE 0’ THE AWD SCHULE. EAR PooncH, aw’m telled that thou’s beem wreetin Aboot nog’ eg gien up feeg An’ all the gyemes tha tuk deleet i: Aw'm sorry, man, te say it’s true, Tha’ve clean for- A. corse for pollises,’ aweswear; When aw was young. Ah man! but aw remembers well The feeghts we had o’ Gyatesheed Fell; Poor Grorpy Seamcene, naen ond liek him oor I Swallwell, Benton, or?” Whikham, When aw was young. Ba gum! aw mind maw bulldog Bet, She neer let gan hor haud, the pet ! Aw niver hor et: : An’ wonst, guid lass! when o’ the mange ill She drared the badger like a angel ! When aw was young. On pay days when we dru wor cash, At Hell’s kitchen hoo we wad blash Sing, sweer, an’ kick up a strawmash, Feeght, drink, untiv the cash wor dune, Smash man! them was the days for fun, When aw was young. An’ lawks! the feastin we’d hev then, The beef an’ puddin, yell? an’ gia, Eh, them was days when men was men ! Four punds o’ meat a man we’d stuff Afore we’d ery oot “ Hand enuff!” When aw was young. Aw mind us when wor Mze gat wed, “ Aw ’ll hev some drink te neet,” aw sed, An’ se aw niver went to bed For mebbies® ’twas a munth or more, But sleep’t awhiles upon the floor ; Then aw was young. An’ lawks! hoo mony times aw:’ve ett Twe pund o’ candles for a bet ; An’ when aw ’ve doon te dinner set, Forbye o’ beef a greet big cut, Of S aw Ve go! six fut ! hen aw was young. The cocks, the bonnie cocks! ah sors! The thowt o’ them maw awd bluid stors : Te see them e wi’ nebs an’ spors Wad pleased the son 0’ ony mammy, For — neer was a hammy, en aw was young. Newcassel races was a seeght, We drunk byeth morning, noon, an’ neeght, Begoks ! we maist did nowt but feeght : An’ mebbies when te wed lyen, ‘wamohe wp drunk, ont owt agyen, hen aw was young. But noo !—Byeth cocks an’ dogs forgotten, Of rows an’ sprees a’ nearly shotten,* Aw’m shoore the styate 0’ ines rotten ; For ’steed o’ drink an’ fights, ules Hey nobbut lecturs, buiks, an’ skules, Noo aw’m not young. T’steed o’ treynin lads te a. Tha treyns them noo te an’ rite, An’ when their dad comes hyem at nite T’steed 0’ drinking, row, an’ stri He plays the fiddle tiv his wife! Noo aw’m not young, [steed 0’ bulldogs for his:pets, Canairies, doos* an’ hens: he gets, An’ if tha hap te dee, he frets: Then whiles the bairns thor supper moonch, He gars them grin wiv reading A! Noo aw’m not young. An’ noo wor cheps can read an’ reet, I buiks, not badgers, tha deleet An’ divent care te-see dogs feeght : Smash man! aw think this cation Ull be the ruin o’ the nyation, Noo aw’se not young. Aw’m glad aw’se gettin Age’s blinkers, For noo wor hewers, putters, sinkers,° Hev torned filosophers an’ thinkers, An’ divent nowt 7’ drinkin spend, Ba gum! the world is near its end, An’ aw’se not young! A WHISPER IN THE EAR OF THE EMPEROR. A FRencu newspaper receives a warning for what is called a “ délit de la presse.” So arbitrary are many of these punishments that we think it would be much better if, in printer’s lan , which any one connected with the Press will instantly understand, all these délits were for the future “deleted” —that is to say, struck out, and done away with altogether. That would be literally “a correction” of the Press —a correction in the light of a great improvement. We fancy that Lovis NapoLzon’s government would gain greatly in by adopting the hint we are now generously giving it. At present, any one would imagine that the French Editors were no better than his servants, for he is always giving them warning. I the posi- tion is rather reversed, for with us it is the ministers and public men who are rather the servants of the Press. It is we who are always giving them warning, and if they are troublesome after that, we tell them very plainly to go about their business. In this way, many a rovoking Prentier have we made leave his place at a moment’s notice. Tt was our painful duty about a fortnight ago to warn the Tus O’Donoexuz, and you see he has been very quiet ever since. Useful and Ornamental. THERE is a celebrated Seulptor, well known for the joviality of his suppers, who opens the oysters with his chisel, and makes beautiful cameos out of the shells afterwards.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 22, 1862. zs: y \ vA > & | lin 5 \ 1\I alain ft i Y | nie mM Wh j Ki Wu A CHIP OF THE OLD BLOCK. Grandpapa, “ Buress His Hkart—Just LIKE Me!—Srare THE NiwROD—SPOIL THE CHILD, I say.” “*T ketches Gunner Lewis, at his guns when he should be, | A studyin’ of the Ancients and their Astronomie ; WHISTLING FOR A WIND. 7 ants | And Purser GLADSTONE, paying out Greek lingo just like winkin’, A Nautical Ballad. | When s cheese-parings and candle-ends he’d ought to have been Ir’s of the good ship Guv’ment, and how becalmed she lay, t g. In Eighteen hundred and sixty-two, at her berth in Sessions Bay ; It’s little we expected, when articles we signed, That we ’d be lying here becalmed, and whistling for a wind. Capr’n Pam was our Commander, and a pleasant man was he, For more nor fifty year he ’d been a follering of the sea ; And if so be he warn’t so young, mayhap, as he had been, His timbers still was tough enough for years to sarve the QUEEN. He had been a dashing Captain as ever cracked along, With all sail set, alow, aloft, though the gale was piping strong : He’d laugh at reefs and breakers, at white squall and typhoon ; And caught the trades, when lubbers would get kitched in the monsoon. There was some folks called him risky, and he did think danger fun : He’d hug the land uncommon close sometimes to. make a run ; Sometimes he’d shove his ship in where the shoals lay thick about, As if to show his seamanship im bringing on her out. But now he walks the quarter-deck, and he looks from sky to sea, “The barky harn’t got way enough to steer,” he says, says he. “* Sooner than lie like this, until we grounds on our beef-bones, I’d see it blow great guns, and have it out with Davy Jones. “* Under bare poles at; fifteen knots I’ve run the gale afore I’ve filled and backed, and wore and tacked and clawed olf a lee-shore ; I’ve often faced shoal-water, with breakers ’neath my bow, But ne’er lay like a log, afore, as we’re a lyin’ now! * We aren’t no good to nobody: both officers and crew, For want of mins, will go to blazes blue ; They jaws and jokes a) bles, and quarrels with their grub, Turns up their noses at the grog that’s sarved out at the tub. “ T sets ’em to pick oakum, and overhaul old stores, To mend the sails, and holy-stone the decks, like dairy floors ; To polish every ringbolt, round-shot, and carronade, : But can’t find work to keep ’em out o’ mischief I’m afraid. “* There ’s that sea-lawyer Bricut, he goes palavering at his ease : He calls «s QuEEN’s hard bargains, and lubbers our A.B.s; Tells the waisters and loblolly boys, each officer’s a rip, | That if they’d pluck they’d mutiny, and seize upon the ship! ** A wind, a wind, oh for a wind! No odds what wind it be— So I see the catspaw creeping like a ripple o’er the sea! | I’ve set Bos Lowe on the look-out to whistle strong and clear, If de don’t raise the wind, I know, ’twill never blow this year. ** Methinks on the horizon I spy a little cloud— | And hark, a tiny whisper that pipes in stay and shroud! | Now, whistle Lowz and GRANVILLE, now whistle once again— Here comes the wind—a creeping on in flaws across the main. | Turn up all hands! Lay out aloft, and let the barky feel Each yard of duck, from deck to truck—clap on, until she reel, We’re moving now! about her bow once more T hear the sea ! Here comes the Education gale—reef, boys—and Helm-a-lee ! ” A Matter of Liquidation. Next door to the Union Bank in Argyle Place, and wy close to the entrance, there has been: recently scooped out of the wall a drinking- fountain. Over the flowing tap, some would-be wag has been writing: “ ALL DRAFTS HERE PAYABLE ON DEMAND.” ne ew.» ‘NIVO dvad Vv 7)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Manrcu te 22, 1862. ,Urerrery A DEAD CALM. \ — » J fe ‘ 2 ( Sheres o breeze in dhe cl, idlan 4 “ee c ce I thi ™~ + ~ coming wp nh. \ \

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March 22, 1862.] ‘PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 117 THE VOICES OF THE DEEP. their 1 ee and the variety of 2. In those kinds of fish which emit such sounds, eg mullet, for the - —_— cousti- tutes a distinct apparatus for the gene- ration of sound. :. The intrinsic muscles of this apparatus are different from the others, and the nerves which animate them are to it. 4. It is these museles which produce the sounds in question. 5. The ome “frequently a ve perceptible motion, frequen’ repented when the sounds are heard. The i intensity of the sounds Pine Tig by @ large mullet or other fish of the genus, may be heard from a or Zeus , tance of about twenty feet. 7. The fish that are most perfectly endowed with the sound can it to the extent of an octave. 8. These sounds several minu’ 9. The =" —— ccoutiing to Sees speci: ey mera, but also during Trigla lucerna - the gif ives in the high- ec Exhausted his subject! No, we should think not. We trust that | before long the learned Dr. Durosst will be enabled to oblige us with i samples of fish and let us know what sort of language it is they converse in. For of course if fish have a they must be oma to talk : and no doubt, too, they can sing if it be true that they can so their tone of voice as to compass t the emission of a full octave of no We did not hear the Talking Fish that was shown ere not long since, but we think that piscine orator could scarce have been so “perfectly endowed” with vocal powers as is mentioned of finny families in the statement we hove uoted. If we remember , his vocabulary was limited to the rm * Papa,” “Mamma :’ ough these no doubt are highly useful in their way, they would cel scarce ce to carry on a conversation for any lengthened | jj time. is now known to us as the Arabian igi, there is given a report of the speeches of some fish, who actually tal while they were being fried. Perhaps if Dr. Dvrossé continue is investigations, he may so well interpret the sounds that fish emit, as to acquaint us with their language, and enable us to understand the current talk in all our trout streams, and ascertain are the standing topics in our standing ls. Quite a new source of in interest will be given to our rivers, when hey who fish in them can the conversation of their captives. How old c Watton would have joyed to write the dialogues that took place in his trout-basket, and ow pleasantly would he have moralised on what he overheard ! SHAKSPEARE speaks of books being found in running brooks, and, perhaps if fish can talk, they can also read and write. Indeed there is no saying | how well they may be educated, or what labour they may take Bye be we 0 of their voice. For aught we know, the turbot 5, mrt een Pye for dinner may have been a music-master in a| family of dat ve assisted many a mullet in the practice of its scales. Every one ay heared of the Whistling Oyster ; and after what | has been revealed to ~ Dr. i Bat mr ta shall daily now expect to hear a singing salmon, whelk. We only _ that 'y vocalists that neon come before the ane le will, like good creatures, take care to keep their vo rs cool ; Lay if they foc disposed by jealous me ape will be careful how they give their feelings vent in words, for of all talkers alive surely fish are the most likely to know somewhat of “ Billingsgate. That a cod fish can produce a sound, we certainly do not. dispute ; mh Beet wiling 10 tahe evidence to show it has a voice. Any of our readers therefore who may happen to get hold of a fine fish of this description, and feel a ‘doubt 1 it can speak, are, in the interests of science, orward it at once, carriage paid, to us in Fleet rect, they may rest assured the matter shall be carefully Polite Newspaper Hint to Mr. Wyld, M.P. (Un consequence of the dirty, disfigured, disreputable condition of Leicester Square.) Lord Retlesdale (loq.). If you enh ™ I'll take the Globe after | You, Sir, Sitios se yee hoe can le from the others by their | beco: We recollect that in that highly scientific book which, as translated, | Bell THE PRIVILEGED ORGAN-NUISANCE. teresti ws, that; “Mn. Puncn, ‘ anggre tte ~ > Galignant prints “ Has i bleve yer mortar his Just is to Hall and Wot is Sarse 9 the following :— for Guse his Sarce for Gandar, your Kind atencion is Requir’d to werry much the , Witch, as the Sayin His, wun man Steele a we ei | nite oars san Get hone tei al f addressed | man in’ im learn an er i me Livin in another per tothe aden of Sciences, | stashern Off lyfe Hin witch it pleas them has As the rool and Guvaw- | ne a wounds of fel, weenie, | ment to lett Huthers exacise without Indrance nor imint in pe from the vibration of the intrimsic | thare Lorfull callen. sir wen we gose our rounds were oblig’d to oo a muscles of the pneumatic bladder, are | at hevry dore witch is a Grete increas of Time yy ti rs we Ain’t alowed to Ring no Bel to let the orator & ow. the swells Log ’t ave noe Dustmans bel says it disturbs ther go we dussnt wear Add hup afore the Beke and ip Wel tho that ere’s we aaes Complane on it iff mers wos curved the Seam for maken Annoys in the | ybody helt owr Bels wilst They letts them étalion O hup as much Row as we d Pleeses and meven in Cases they refewsis to muve Hon ptt Requier’d. Hand punch ser just look at the difarence tween the 2 we only wrung 0 Bel goin along. Wenever stuck Ouselves hoposit * Ous witch we noad ada be Ori ike to Belles egies gn com - and guv us Mona, i to be Orf like me tauny foreners 19 | with their Grindin oe goad uskye stopiam Gatien and chaterin like theirsel ys is foreners aloan to ave Leaf and Licence them and Nobody els | the ole i. Adnatiigrs i ax the Swelswiteh their own Country mite Bnjoy? Wy i spose mr. Punch ihe the Swels there ’s somenny membars of patent lamant as a ee tte wp in Ouse a Comons til 2and 3 in the maunin Bedd so Late they Doan’t like to be woak upp by the pate yen are Sand by the Time the Organ grindar Oums with is ‘ Nely Bocas toons witch the Hold Cow dide of there orf to ther tu he ant or inalin the fresh brese of Rotting Roe let em put that are in their Pip and Smoak it if they wont dele fare and Doo justis to an Ard wurkin Boddy of Menn not mathin di un to um Trewth is amung the favour them Lazy foren begars whose Likeness in your Valuable Colums witch i’ve ockopide Too mutch S so aut ti now to con- clude as with duty bound and yur obegent um t. * Appam Bzt.” *," We think that our correspondent, whose signature we gladly vodgnise as showing that the Literary Dustman is still in the land of the iving, has omitted an argument calculated materially to strengthen his case, which is ce y one of great hardship justice. His modesty perhaps prevented him from observing, that the Dustman’s is, to any musical ear, considerably more agreeable than the grinding-organ.—EpITor. ONE OF SHAFTESBURY’S CHARACTERISTICS. Tae Kart or Suarrespury is known to be a serious ae. but few, perhaps, know how very serious the noble lord is, The sub- joined extract from a ~— which his Lordship is reported to have delivered on the Li ay oa in the House of Lords exhibits a serious- ness so profound as to be impervieus to a joke :— “He recollected perfectly well, as showing how little the t+ medical authorities were uainted with what was ay: on in the world, that when the sanity or insanity o: he Ear or SHAFTRSBURY) Was maintaining strongly that she was sane and fully capable of managing herself and | her affairs, when a medical gentleman came up to him and said, ‘But, my Lord, ‘ou do not know that that lady has subscribed to the conversion of the he Jews?” ?; Laughter). If that gentleman had been acquainted with the world he would have known that hundreds of thousands of persons of the most sane minds had done the same thing.” Tnnocent Lorp Suarressury! If that nobleman had been better acquainted than he is with a wicked world, he would have discerned ubseription to the conversion of the Jews that the question ee reer be a lady was in question, to be an act of insanity was banter; that the practitioner who v to put it to him was in doing so, the cy A of, as the common people say, chaffing him. It is most likely that wag was aul ciently well acquainted with the world not yt to know that hundreds of thousands of perfectly sane persons ribed money towards the conversion of the Jews, but also to conjecture that the number of those subscribers included the 271 Oy cnt , & SHAFTESBURY The pees bey age sas porte undreds of thousands of pounds had been subscribed for on purpose ol converting the Jews, and that, as there were very few pomngs ore to show for the money, nearly all of it been did not moog ond seriously mean to intimate the opinion, that on, that people who onl th or 4 e by money away are so very unwise as therefore let go about. Recxiess Traprive.—A London Milkman buying a Cow. go hbo kicken |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 22, 1862. \ ‘\ PERHAPS THE MOST IMPERTINENT THING ON RECORD. Srreet Bor. “Carry yer Sword ’ome for yer, Sir?” MEANS FOR A GREAT MONUMENT. Ir ‘is proposed that the British public should go to Mull for the monolith to be erected under the form of an obelisk in Hyde Park. If they do, it is to be hoped that the name of the place whence that national monument | will have been derived may not turn out to be a term of | all denominations the most applicable to the memorial when completed. Wheresoever they have been begun, | most of our testimonials, whether to departed or living | worth, have hitherto ended in a Mull. It is said that not enough amg Gy as yet been sub- scribed for the purpose of hewing the monolith at Mull, | and conveying it to Kensington. Heretofore we have at least been always able to pay handsomely for a failure: can we no longer do even that? If we have not the skill to carve a stone of moderate size handsomely, have we noi the wealth sufficient to cut out and hoist a huge ugly one ? If there is any limit to the subscription for the contem- plated monolith but that which is determined by the | expense of the undertaking, it must that of insufii- |ciéney of means to meet that expense. All classes of persons will gladly contribute to so popular an object, in proportion to their means. The means of some are | slender ; but that consideration will not prevent them from |subseribing a certain amount, if only those means are certain. Others, however, there are, whose means are not |only slender, but precarious, and these persons, who may | |live to be old and lose their employment, and many of | | whom have families to provide for, feel bound to save every | farthing of which they are not deprived by Schedule D. | | The House of Commons is mainly constituted of gentle. | | men of fixed property, and always must be, notwithstanding | | what Mr. Bricut says, until its majority is*composed of | | people who live by their earnings, which it is not likely | }ever to be, even if the working classes are numerically | lrepresented. Who can earn his bread, and at the same | time represent his constituents, unless they pay him well | enough to make it worth his while? Cheap luxuries com- | pensate an independent gentleman’s Income-Tax, but not the Income-Tax of those who can afford no luxuries at any rice. A generous demonstration in the form of a mono- ith is a luxury. In that luxury, however, ¢ numbers of persons who now abstain from it — enabled to indulge if the Government could possibly manage to effect an equitable adjustment of direct taxation. A WELL-MEANING WRITER. Tue subjoined curiosity of construction occurs in a leader in a con- temporary journal relative to the working c — * Hence the patience and fortitude with which they have borne the privations of the past winter, but which we trust will soon be at an end.” The foregoin paragraph may be said to afford a butt to the critical sharpshooter. But for the “but” in it we should of course suppose it to express the hope of a speedy cessation of the still remaining vations of the past winter. We will cherish that supposition. We not allow ourselves to be misled by a superfluous conjunction. | We will believe that the writer of the passage above quoted, intended | to represent himself and his coadjutors as trusting that the privations | of the past winter will soon be at an end, and not as trusting that there | will soon be an end of the patience and fortitude with which the work- ing classes are bearing them. SOMETHING “IN NUBIBUS.” A Snort time ago we were distressed to read that Saturn had lost his rings! Whether that steady-going old star had dropt them at one of his periodical Saturnalias, or whether he was obliged to part with | them under a temporary financial pressure, our telescopic mind is at a loss to say; but we are sure our readers will rejoice with us at learning that Saturn has got his rings back again. They shine as brilliantly as ever, (in fact, many of the diamonds are to the full as big as stars, and s le not. jess lustrously,) and from their increased brilliancy, we raw the bright reflection that Saturn may probably have only sent his rings to be cleaned; or it may be, since Saturn is the wearer of the belt, and consequently is the Champion of the Celestial Ring, that his love of fair play made him take his rings off, insomuch as he had been challenged to have a round or two with some refractory star, who was out sky-larking. We wish Prorgsson Arrey would throw a light on this misty subject, for we are forced to confess that at present it is terribly clouded in obscurity. “THE EARS OF DIONYSIUS.” [ADVERTISEMENT. ] Mr. Dion Bovcrcavutt feels it necessary to give notice to the Public that he prohibits them, for the future, from speaking of any of the proup of dramas invented br edited by himself, in which may imply that such work is meee upon scenery, action, effects, or any- thing else but the genius of Mr. Dion Boucicavutt for its unequalled success. Any violation of this regulation will be punished by Mr. | Dion Bovcicavuur by the giving orders to the menials of the theatre not to admit any person who may have been guilty of such impertinence. Mr. Dion Boucicautt begs further to announce that the police have instructions to take into custody any person who may have the pre- sumption to retire from the theatre until the fall of the curtain and the appearance of Mr. Dion Boucicautt before the same. Mr. Dioy Bovucicautr earnestly hopes that the populace of London will see the wisdom of obeying his instructions, and not subjecting him to the unpleasant necessity of punishing disobedience. 3rd Monday in Lent, 1862. Dion Bovcicavtt. A RESPECTFUL QUERY. Ir every gipsy who haunts our areas and inveigles silly servant-maids into having their fortunes told, or omy tuppenny-h’apenny impostor who professes to cast nativities for half-crowns, and discover stolen goods for shillings, is liable to, and frequently suffers punishment as 4 rogue and v abond—why should Mr. Forster, who is now turning over the circulating medium to such a very handsome tune, pocketing his hundreds from the silly swells of both sexes who attend his spiritua séances, be allowed to go scot-free? It would becurious to ascertain! this ingenious gentleman would find the spirits as ready to turn the crank, or work the treadmill for him, as they are to spin the commoner articles of furniture. Surely he who has turned so many tables, deserves to have the tables turned, at last, on him, till he has tested how long spiritualism can be kept up on a diet of skilly, and whether spirit-hands are amenable to “ the darbies.”

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maids yostor stolen ; asa ae ceting ritual tain if n the noner serves y long hands

Marcu 22, 1862.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 119

OUR NEIGHBOURS’ DECEASED WIVES’ SISTERS. — Se | M1

Ly | T uu Par 3 ooray! The House of Commons has thrown out the Bill that was to * legalise marriage with a de- ceased wife’s sister. We do not want’ to marry our deceased wives’ sisters. Some of us are not married, and do not intend to be; some of. us have wives without sisters, or with sisters whom they could not think Of marrying; some of us are widowers whose deceased wives have left them ngs ney Po = mairy, or whose ceased cared sisters ey W not marry if they could. The rejected Bill would have conferred upon a minority the privilege of a liberty which we have no desire to exer- cise. The Bishops and Clergy are divided in opinion as to the theological lawfulness of marriages with deceased wives’ sisters. Some think such pores permitted, others suppose them prohibited, by chapter and verse. This alone would b sufficient, in the judgment of an; reasonable man, to decide the question ; ‘but. when it is considered that the Jews (none of whom understand Hebrew) agree with those interpreters who hold the marriages in question to be permitted, and that the Latin ecclesiastics coincide with the Jewish, there can be no doubt that the right plain English construction Ai

y het a gm mike «@ Haich of iE 2

( = of the disputed passages prohibits those mar es, We always in every particular scrupulously try to do exactly as we would be done by, and we conceive that we cannot carry out this golden rule more thoroughly and completely than by using every endeavour to keep other people under restrictions which impose no restraint whatever on ourselves.

REAL PAPER MONEY. In the Court of Bankruptcy, the other day, there occurred a case wherein the bankrupt was described as a “literary author,” the liabilities being declared tobe “ ; no assets.” It was me that “ “—~ meeements were in progress for paying a composi- tion.” If therewereno assets'to meet the liabili- ties of this literary the composition which arrangements are in ss for paying his creditors ‘must, one ‘would be some coe 1 i i ontian Fat aoa emen | ing litera- vure as a p ion if their butcher would take a re, that is to say their MS. in payment for loaves and legs of mutton, and the grocer would accept the same consideration in exchange for such articles as tea and sugar.

A Pleasant Prospect. Tue Prophetic Doctor has published another of his catch-penny apocalyptic volumes, entitled the Millennial Rest ; or, The World as it Will Be? No doubt this is “ The good time Cum- minG,” of which we have heard so much.

SEPARATION OF Man anp Wire.—Crinoline.

CUMMING EVENTS. Tae following notification has appeared in a corner of the Morning Post :-— | Orne | brilhant one :— “The Rev. Dr. Cummino’s new Yolume, The Millennial Rest, which is announced | to appear i diately lete the series of three works. In the first, The |

the world has already entered. In his bridal of heaven and earth to perfect a world that will never fade.” The purchaser of the works named in the foregoing pny will have the advantage of knowing what Dr. Cummue thinks or imagines about the inserutably mysterious subjects to which they relate. What are the ideas and opinions of Dr. Cummine on those subjects worth ? That is one question. Another question is, what are they offered for ? This question the above announcement—in all other respects a wonder- One, for example. steel By people who contemplate buying the books, and there are probably many who do, believing in to be asked, as well as by other le who would not have them at a gift on the condition of being obliged to read them instead of applying them to material purposes. It is a plain man’s question; some wi even consider it a Clown’s question. “How much?” That is the

in appropriated to certain other publications of a serious nature ; We are about to make a man’s fortune. ceivable contrivances by which a lady might mi person the battery necessary to illuminate the diamonds on her head. might consist, not, indeed, as above suggested, of a ist hoop, but of a series gore acid, wo constitute converted by an s into a crinoline. Need we mention it ?

Pearls of Great Price: the pearls, however, being manufactured articles, and their price much greater than their value. “Who's

Don’t Confound the Parties.

} "#sits lunatics; the latter is visited by them. We wish to warn our readers against confounding Mr. Forster, the Medium, with the distinguished author of the Great Remonstrance, The Statesmen of the Commonwealth, and the Life of Goldsmith. Both deal with lunatics, but in a different way. The one protects them, the her profits by their delusions. Mr. Kouaran, the Commissioner in unacy, helps to guard the property of the insane. Mr. Forster, the ractitioner of imposture, gets it out of their pockets. The former rat-tat.

every council chamber where he t views regarding Venice, Signor Ratazzz will soon dat Knocking at the Door?” SPEAKING of the new Ministry in Italy, the Patrie says the following : | “Siewor Rarazzi has decided to take the initiative in all European combina- tions which may bring about a diplomatic solution of the Venetian question.” | he can get audience for his | | Stripped of surplus verbiage this statement simply means that at | be giving a

Workiné tHE Oracre.—Let the Pythoness prophecy . . How many of her own eggs will be i addled ? sae

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ee [Marcu 22, 1862, | AIAN amg Mp igo TOO BAD. Professor Pumper. “May I asx, Miss Biank, WHY YOU ARE MAKING THOSE LITTLE ? Pe.uets?’ Miss B. “Wet, I pDoy’T KNow. WHEN I FEEL BORED aT DINNER!” Ir 1s a HABIT I Have, I ALWAYS MAKE BREAD es } | CURIOSITIES OF COMMERCE. | Ix Thursday’s intelligence from India, we | read :— | ** Grey shirtings dull and unchanged.” No wonder that their shirtings are dull, if| | they never change them! Fancy, too, in a hot climate like India! We always said that there | was dreadfully wanted a change for the better | in India. | Inthe same paper we read :— | “* Water twists firm.” | The deuce it does! Thenall wecan say is, if | water twists at all, that it must be extremely | soft water. With such a facility, however, it | would the easiest matter, when one was | thirsty, to take a “pull of water.’ We have | heard of “ropes of sand,” but it would seem that in India they would be able to show us| cables made of agua pura. It would be the very | stuff, we should think, for making tea with, as | necessarily it stands to reason that the water | | that twists firm would be the best adapted for | * drawing.” “ The Coming Man.” | |_We_faney the Coming Man must be that | New Zealander who, at some future day, (may |it be as distant as the repeal of the Income. |'Tax!) is, from one of the broken arches of | London Bridge, (sole remaining Judge of the | Arches Court) to pronounce sentence on. the ruins of this “little village.” We are so bored with the promised advent of this foreign gen- tleman, that we feel inclined to push even | further the celebrated caution once forcibly laid | | down by TaLLEYRAND, and most emphatically | to exclaim to all future writers: “Messieurs, | surtout Point de Zéle-ander |” LETTER FROM MR. BRIGHT. “My pear Puncu, “* House of Commons, Saturday. ** You have always been my good friend, that is to say, you have kept me before the Public as a Power, and you have never made me ridiculous by sycophantic puffing. I wish I could say as much for my Own organs. “TI should have published that remarkable letter, which has caused | so much excitement, in your columns, for which indeed I feel with you | that it was most fitted. But time pressed, and therefore a communi- cation which would have appropriately appeared in Punch, was given | to the world througli-a provincial newspaper. Pray believe me when | say, that I am more than sorry that such a document came out except | in your pages. “ Now, show that you have forgiven me, by doing me a service. The letter, which demonstrates the utter worthlessness of all our institu- tions, and the hideous wickedness of those who administer them, has | brought down a storm of incivility, as I might have expected, but for | this I do not greatly care. am anxiously ul, myself, never to drop a syllable that can give pain to any one else, but I cannot expect | all the world to be as fastidiously particular. I have been called names, but this is nothing. I was mo# called names by a parson at the earliest eee of life, and the parsons and their friends have been making u ‘or that omission ever since. I defy and disdain the impudent an truculent wretches, but I should be ashamed of replying to them in an un-Christian or impolite way. “But Ldo pray you, my dear Punch, to save me from my so-called friends. Have you seen the style in which my Organ attempts to answer the complaint that I have not made my attack in Parliament ? | By Castor—was he not the god of large Hats—if I were not a Friend, I would have made that advocate look nine ways for First Day, and then not see it. “** What right,’ says my blessed advocate (you know what I mean by blessed) ‘has any one to expect a Senator to humiliate himself by | spea - » night after night, to an audience that has made up its mind ns she “* My dear Punch, do announce to the world that I am innocent of | prompting or approving such maudlin an tardly stuff, and that | what Pret, Fox, Wirperrorce, Pret, Jonn Russe11, and I myself have done, in years gone by, I am ready to do again. Afraid to fight | |@ hostile audience? It was left to his own organ to be the first who ever charged JouHn Bricut with cowardice. “ My letter may or may not have been a foolish affair, but I am not such a fool as to put out a plea like that of the Morning Star. __ “ Say this for me, old brick. I am ready to fight anybody, even you, | if desired. * Thine respectfully, * Joun Bricut.” ; “ To Punch.” THE DESPOTISM OF DRESS. Nor all the powers of ridicule, nor the appeals of common sense, nor the remonstrances of affection have been able to beat down that in- flated absurdity, called Crinoline! It is a living institution, which | nothing seemingly can crush, nor compress. . Even sensible women | have been dragged into this silly vortex of Fashion. We know a classical Blue-stocking, who resisted it ever so long, but who at last has been drawn malgré elle into the midst of its hollow fascinations. Livery morning, as she puts on this despotic cage, in which Za Mode, like & cruel mother, delights in shutting up her most dutiful children, she says to herself, with a sigh, “ Nulla dies sine Crinolined !” | A New Specimen of Parliamentary Natural History. | Ir has been wisely suggested that the new Member for Longford should, truthfully to represent the class he properly 7 to, change his name. ‘To give an idea of his true classification, it s ould be not O’ Remy, but G’O’Rerxy, which, in course of time, would be beau- tifully softened down to Gorttta. In ‘sober sadness, is not the new Irish M.P. the Pope’s Gorilla? We think the above is a Major whieh no Irishman even will be illogical enough to deny. A CarprnaL Virtue (a whisper to the Pore).—Resignation. Wuat 1s tHE American Sort.—Chiefly A-rabble. Printed by William B , of No. 13, U Woburn Place, and Frederick MuHett EB Prisons at thelr Otmze in Lombard Stree, 1a the Precinet of Whitefrars, in the Lendon.—Satuapar, March of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park, both in the y of Leadon, and Publi: of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, by them.at No. 8, Fleet Biren ae the Parish of St. Bride, in the City of

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Marcn 29, 1862.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 121 _ “TOO BAD, THOUGH.” Cap to Omnibus running from the “Mother Shipton” to the Bank. “‘ Mother Shipton, Mum? Yes, all right, Mum. Don’t you ’urry, Mum, (Aside to Driver.) The wery Old Lady ’erself, I do Ulieve, Jem!” > i THE MEETING OF THE MONTH. Tue boisterous month of March is one in which no anni- versary can be more appropri- ately celebrated than that of the Life Boat Institution, whose annual meeting was held on Wednesday last week at the London .Tavern; the Lorp Mayor in the chair. In march, old Bolus gives his boys, the Winds, a holiday; and they, being thus let loose, play wild games with the shipping, and strew the coasts with wrecks. What is fun to them is death to | sailors, and would be the des- truction of many more, if it were not for the exertions of the brave crews which man the Life Boats; exertions which are stimulated, whilst the means of making them are afforded, by the Life Boat Institution. In providing Life Boats where they are wanted, and in reward- ing the valour which renders them available, the Life Boat Institution spends a consider- able amount of money. It therefore itself pelea seeks to raise the wind; and doubt- less the very seasonable ap which it has made for this pur- se in the stormy month of March will prove to have had the desired effect. | 14 ' i} \ et FWIES TM) POTELY.S crete. BVOLVINCE VLG ia9ae PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Marcu 17. M . Lorp Normansy expressed his belief that the late Governments of Italy still reigned in the hearts of the people, and he abused the Government of Victor-Emmanvet. It is needless to say that, still less how, Lory RussEtt disposed of the Normanby twaddle, but it had also the effect of calling up Loxp Matmeszury, vho declared that when in office he did everything to promote peace in the south of Europe, and that if his advice had been taken, at least one hundred tho men, killed in the Italian war, would have been alive. He had been charged with Austrian partialities, but both Austria and Italy had found fault with him. Upon which we may remark, with all deference to the amiable Ma.messury, that though doubtless a judg- ment from the bench ought to displease both sides, it is not an irre- fragable proof of a man’s having done his duty by two parties that both agree that he has doue it to neither. An explanation by Mr. Layarp shows that the Americans have had a little Mason and Stet affair at Tangier. He had, on a former night, mentioned that two persons from the Sumter had been seized at Taper on the demand of the U. S. Consul, but that they had after- wards been set at liberty. The only error in the statement lay in the last little sentence. Instead of being set at liberty they were set on da Federal war-vessel, the Jno, and by ‘her transferred to a mer- hant ship, to be sent off to the United States. The act was a gross Vilation of the sight of asylum, and Layarp hoped that the American Government would act rightly. After the M. and S. affair it would be premature to say that they will not—only the fleet of Mogh’rib-el-acsa (quite right, Co that is the native name of Morocco, or, as you accurately say, sroeo) is not a very large one, and we are hot aware that there is a Mutey Ben RussExt to intimate clearly that “fellows” must be given up. b . Morrat, the tea-dealer, demanded when the Budget would be onght im. Mn. Gtapstone replied, that he hoped to let his cat out of the bag on the third of April. +hen was resumed the Horsraut debate on International Maritime aw. But Mr. Cospen, who was to have begun, was hoarse, so Mr. HINDSAY, for the shipowners, contended that all private property ought , the fae in time of war, but he only asked that the present state might be dec unsatisfactory. e Lorp ADVocATE, in very able speech, exposed the absurdity of the first proposition, and declared the second to be vague and useless, After several speeches, in which the same things were repeated with more or less dilution, Mr. Brieur signified his adhesion to the HorsraLt proposition, and charged Lorp Patmerston with having, when “starring in the provinces,” uttered glowing admiration of the Declaration of Paris, and expressed a hope that its principle would be carried further. Sir RounDELL Patmer made an able onslaught upon the innovators, and Lorp Patmerston frankly admitted that he had entirely altered his opinion since his speech at Liverpool. Needless to say that Mr. Disragui made the most of this admission, and informed the Premier that in future his most solemn warnings could have little weight in the House. But no battle was given, and Mr. HorsFa.t withdrew his resolution. _ Tuesday. After a strong and valuable testimony by Lorp OvERSTONE in favour of the Revised Code, there was a slight conversation on the Second Reading of a Bill for making it unn to send (as in the case of ANDERSON, the escaped slave) writs of habeas corpus to any colony in which the Havehiscarcass is in use., Lorp CHELMSFORD— notice this—made a gentle suggestion for improving the language of that Bill, and Lory Wzstsury—notice this—as gently assented. But this amiability was only— ** The torrent’s smoothness ere it dash below.” A few minutes later, and Lorp CHExMsrorp, in the presence of a large House and a good many ladies, who had mustered on the under- standing that something objectionable was to take place, was well into a savage attack upon the Lorp CHANCELLOR, nominally on behalf of those officials of the late Insolvent Court who_have been done out of their incomes through an omission in the new Bankrw o ae Lorp CHELMSFORD must have imagined himself back into THESIGER, for he quite forgot his coronet manners, and imputed to Lorp West- BURY, whom he must have regarded as only Mz. BETHELL, negligence. ignorance, insincerity, untruthfulness, incivility, y, slander, an a great many other bad things, of which a nobleman must be ees incapable. But Lorp Westsury is not entirely incapable of - defence, and when Lorp CuEtMsrorp had done, and his backers had finished applauding, the CHaNCcELLOR, rose,— “‘ With eye, though calm, determined not to spare.” And it cannot be said that he exactly spared either Mr. THesicER, or the rod. His Lordship accused his assailant of hating the Lorp VOL, XLII. 0

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ts 122 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 29, 1862, | —_—_—.., CHAncELLOR, of having been in daily and confidential intercourse with him for without hinting at an intention of making this malig- nant attack, of being actuated frome and of being guilty of a series of perversions of fact and truth, of violence, and of insinuations which the respondent was ashamed to hear. As im the old a schoolmaster expounded the gerunds and supines to the negligent scholar, between the swishes of the birch, so did Lorp Westsury explain the case of stinging slash. When Lornp Wzstsurx done’ with the offender, Lorp Dersy rose to protest t such severity of punishment, an: wees Se Summeee ——s of beimg a ——, and especially of not making use of language - belie Ley edailsly hocappie of'tceeeaninaeoattinasing, Taund GRANVILLE, in return, described this: lecture: as undeserved. Lory Russ far too lofty to be stirred bythe combats of mortals, simply: intimated that Government. were s the Duke or SOMERSET n J Lorp CHELMSFORD, and it then: about nine o’clock, cratic party separated, delighted with the sport:they had had. But the clerks? Eh, what clerks? 0, those Insolvent clerks. O ah! Why—O, yes—they are to wait, and in fact, do the best they can, and ne feels no and all that. But didn’t the: great lawyers at one another in style, and: wasn’t it worth while: coming down for that sort of thing? As for the Commons, they did comparatively flat business. Lorp Hewry Lennox made a s urging that one Minister of the Crowm ought to be responsible to the House in regard to all estimates in iienes to Education, Science, and Art. Except in regard to. Sm Cartes Eastuake, who was attacked and defended according to formula, the discussion may be called a British Museum Debate: Lorp Hewry’s chief attack was on the trustees. of that establishment, who, he thought, neither did nor could do their pom Mz. Grecory seconded him, remarking that the House eet y of time to con- sider the subject, as there was nothing to do, and there-was not to be a Sensation Budget. Mr. Guapstonz, a trustee, replied with much skill, and vindicated his colleagues, but the most important point in his speech was the announcement that a great department of the Museum is to be transferred to another site. This, of course, means that what an Irishman would call the Dead Zoological Gardens are to be got rid of. Well, while the Government is turning out the beasts, would it be kind enough to do something of the same kind in the noble § Room. At present this apartment, intended for the student, is floode with a mass of boys and others, who exclude the students, and who use the Museum, chiefly because the room is warm and comfortable, but partly to study such recondite works, not elsewhere to be procured as Arnsworrn’s Latin Dictionary, . Bowy’s translations, an Gururtie’s Geographical Grammar. There really should be a clearance. We would not effect this upon a question of age, a boy who wants to look through half a dozen of the Fathers is more worthy of a seat than his Father who wants to turn up a passage in Drypen’s Virgil. Let us look through the tickets see what sort of books fellows ask for. The result would show whose tickets may advantageously be cancelled. | Mr. Contnenam made a smart speech, and characterised the Inter- national Exhibition Buil as a monstrous architectural abortion, and the result of the art-school at Kensington. Mr. Disrazui spoke | up for the National Portrait Gallery, but. intimated his belief that England was too large, too busy, and too engrossed with the great | affairs.of the world ever to be very great in Art, which flourished only | his proposition. Thus, the House of Commons was discussing painting | and comparative anatomy, while the House of Lords was enjoying a gladiatorial combat. | _ A debate on the condition of the British merchants in China gave Mr. | LayARD an opportunity of stating his opinion of the Chinese Rebels, ' whom he described as a mob of murderous scoundrels, without any | object but plunder, and whose pretended religion was the merest | hypocrisy. T'o be sure on one point they are more civilised than divers nglishmen, as they have a law that no man is to kick his wife when she is es y helpless. It would seem that we are to put a decided stop to the atrocities of these Taepings, at least in the districts in which | we have colonised. | Mr. Cowrer brought in his Bill for Embanking the Thames—of | course Mr. Ayrton and Sir Jonn Suezey tried to hinder it, and they | were very properly rebuked by Dr. Brapy, who said that without a and opening of this sort London would never be what it ought to be. x thought it would injure the foundations of Canonbury Tower— | no, by the way, he said hansen Ses but one was as likely as the other. | Mr. Contyenam, who called ember for London-super-Mare— which means Brighton, supported the Bill. Then Siz Gzorce Bowyer brought in another for the better Government of the Inns of Court, and | for Constituting a Court of discipline to deal with cases in which a Mr. | Epwry James, a Mr. Diesy Seymour, or other gentlemen of the Bar may come under the unfavourable notice of the Benchers. And lastly, the Lorp Apvocats introduced an Educational Measure for-that part the clerks, every now and then warming up Lonp CHELMSFORD with a ? | in. small communities, like Athens and Florence. ‘Lorp Henry withdrew had | mote an extension of the old Scottish system, which everybody who | understands the subject knows to work admirably. _ Wednesday was a quiet day, the only business transacted was the rejec. tion of a Bill of Mz. Ayrton’s for making employers liable to compensate workmen.or their families for the results of accidents. The present law affords compensation where negligence is proved on the part of the employer, and the House held this to be sufficient, and Str Mortoy ETO, as alarge employer of labour, said that the carelessness of the workmen: was.sumply incredible. In blasting, they would not use the patent: fase, and would smoke amid barrels o ‘ er, and their reckless of'the:safety lamp is notorious. The Bill was regarded as a bit of'Tower Hamlets clap-trap, and treated accordingly. y. The-ground-swell after Tuesday’s storm. still felt in the Thursda | Giords; the CaaycELLor advancing a series of dates to show that he had not such knowledge of the case of the afflicted clerks as was all and Lorp Derpy replying that he.ought to have had. The. Lords ther applied themselves to the ofthe Edueation of the Teeple and Busnor or Oxrorp had anotherfling at the Revised Code, mptly ne up. Also: somevimeonceivable joke was exc tween the Bishop and Lomo» Giunsvriie about a parable and a pan. bolic curve, which joke Mr. Ptmetinwites the Prelate and the President to put in writing:and send to himsforat present he cannot see either its fun, or itsconnection with theneligious education of the poor. __ Mz. Cowes: explained: that: the: people in Hamilton Place had m idea of permitting their quieticat'desae to-be. cut through to let people come down Park Lane to the-Hxhibition, but that he should like to widen the lane, itself, The House them went into. Committee on the Irish Pairs Bill, which related to: weights:and: measures. It does not seen to.allude specifically to Donnyb: noristhere-the least reason why it should. The Bill for pring ight. in Works of Art went through Committee, and*if Cox was iously inclined to move a Negative about the Photographs, he withheld that. practical epigram. Friday. Angee of him, Wyeombe hasbeen carried by Mr. Remove. ton Mrits, who was vanquished by: the terrible,Cox in Finsbury. This leaves parties as they were: But:a Conservative, Mz. Morar, has come in, vice Mr. Caytzy; Liberal; for the North Riding—do you observe that, Mz. Brann ? Nothing to-night in the Senate, except that Lorp ELLensorovcd in presenting some ridiculous petitions against the Revised Code, took care to state that he had not the slightest sympathy with the prayer of the cacklers. Certainly not. As the nursery book says, “The Elephant is Wise.” Lorp Normansy, a fitting messenger to send on—well, an unwis man’s errand, brought a petition from Mr. Urqu#art against the Bill for relieving the Queen from the clerkly drudgery of signing commis sions. UrguHart has probably some crack-brain notion that the abandoning the signature is a device of Russia, who will, in war-time, persuade our officers that they need not fight for a Queen who has not actually signed their warrant to serve her. “How blest are we thal are not simple men.” That deloightful. pleece of recreation, the Phaynix Park, is to le adjyorned with trees and other confectionaries in the hoighth of iligance, and at the expinse of Government. Came a debate on the question whether England ought to pay for Colonial fortifications. Sr Gzorer Lewis very properly said that no rule could be laid down. Half the blunders and bothers of the day arise from attempts to lay down rules for everything: If Mr. Punch eisure for codification, the thing might be done, but nobody els should speak dogmatically. Everything depends upon circumstances- though, as circumstances are surroundings, we consider that phrase to be an Irishism. As a finish to the — Rn. Mriner Greson brought in a Bill for amending the Merchant Shipping Acts. The subject highly important to the commercial-marines, who have Mr. Punci's liberty to read Mr. Grsson’s speech—the civilised reader need only be told that it was about pilots, and lights at sea, and damage to carg\, and liens on freights, and all that sort of stuff. ut was UNPARALLELED EPIGRAM. Ly a leading article in the Star (a sensible one too) upon the loan lordly names to projects for gulling the public, there occurs a gem 0 such translucent effulgence that we must set it clear. Speaking of tle Ear or SHRewssury’s tact in giving his name to.a scheme in while he took care not to be entangled, the writer says,— “Tue EARL WAS SHREWD AS WELL aS SHREWSBURY.” Will the writer who performed this extraordinary feat come over to 8) immediately on perusing these lines, and if we are not in, will he go up stairs, consider himself engaged for the rest’ of his life, and beg# throwing off similar brilliancies for us. Salary no object. Shrewd # well as Serewspury! We have laughed one hour by the clock of tit of England called Scotland (eh, Proresson Biackre!). It is to pro- capital of Shropshire.

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_—__— Marcu 29, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON 123 : | that play a Repiano Cornet, or Even as the platform on that mighty block ate a Bouibercon, free Visi Somay the Te any tock, that he an mbardon, firs , io may the me of Hngland long endure, all oo ae na ee Built.on foundations-solid and secure. ds then short tour previous to opening in Come back, my muse, and wear a sober brow, le, and a Watering Place. Address, &c. = Pry _— . a over now. rut was 74s aid is the . On yon loftiest stone } wale oe ag that Names are cut deep—our. Prince has cut his own, a para. Such speaal uate is ee Or modestly (lest e might seem to claim esident that — be “ double. What ’s Appas Pasua’s, ‘by his full-writ name) > either handed?” ‘From:the loose Cuts his initials—Vowels—then descends ‘had wording of the notice one is Sw rae eee m almost led to think that What thoughtescse “tn ate Rm these double -handed per- Bute at a meow, rat sons are asked to play some The si = 1 delighted and-amused, : half-a-dozen wind instru- eS re rings I perused, it seem ments apiece, besides per. Cried, “ Might I join his arty—would I could ! om why forming cn the violin and A proverb now and then might do him good.” t went ‘ Seckio' ban, ey But circumstance o’er which I *ve no control ram. alg | We think ‘that they’had need be double-headed as well as double-handed. Excnibits what T wish with all my soul, ram. . r Not that I'd seek, of course, with envious teeth so that-eaeh. t play a sim concerto on the horn t deaf from’C $ : h EMING clarionet, cornet “and out of the four corners of his brace aN Torney hos STANLEY'S wreath), cahene of mathe. » 1 exclaimed, “‘ but I shall dono wrong comme Tf L-embalm the tale in deathless so ; do you = Sep a oe tas bid see “FC $ Consonants, his F.C: cou THE PRINCE AND ‘THE PYRAMID. is e, too 4 Poem upon reading in the Times (a daily newspaper), dated| - : , prayer Monday, the Vth of March, 1862, a. description of the PRINCE OP |‘Gonsult Arsenone, Lott Word. for the Sun, Tuna is Latin for the Moon, WALzEs’s Egyptian Tour, Line 4. Quite amazed. I hasten to disavow the slightest idea of implying that sdumeted und ‘prepared Tp eee ay bab I believe pt pee unwise BY MARTYR FAKEER CUPPER. oue upon it for the first time without sensations of a novel character. axa he Bill : : Line 12. _Beauteous bowers. I have not had the advantage of examining the | nmi And Atamae Eoeine teen Sr Wight ta jostiod Wo ae nea TUM, and he eeenery ofthe fat of nn He leaves the tent the Pasha’s care had raised, Lino 18. That fishing line. The angling contest between ANTONY and CLEOPATRA, has not re. that ; to be hth of ay for haat 0 he day Punch dy else nces— rase t0 ought ject Is Punch's only be cargo, —— “DOUBLE, DOUBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE.” And looks upon the desert quite amazed t in your country there is nothing lik Unto that Pyramid whose curious pile Has stood so many years beside the Nile, Or like the sand that makes the thought occur, How fast our sands of life are fleeting, Sir You now are far from Windsor’s hoary Saint James’s brick, and Osborne’s beauteous bowers And on your mind must come this feeling high, That land and sea *twixt you and England lie. And yet what is it practically, sire ? a should say, Sir) with that electric wire ? , when the P swayed this region fine ; Or Cizoparra dropped that fishing line ; the Phe ey moar by AcHILLEs’ hands Fell, though his bust in the Museum stands ; Or when AMENOPES, the fierce and brave, With all his chariots sank beneath the wave, sath to ctl that visting Eee vi m the Jews). Na when in ye times aanliniee , ungrateful set, was 8 ought, O Prince of England, then, That lightning e’er should write with iron pen. “Tis sweet to think that standing on these sands You can send messages to distant lands re And while they po, can muse, on SHAKSPEARE’s plan, say, “O what a piece of work is man!” up, young Prince, before the hour is late, old om string of dro: wait, tinal meal discussed and done, ow for the Pyramid, and meet the 8 : io many _ have shone since a built, shone, alas, on many scenes 0: 7 We reach the base ; sesusdes walla cnar, That corner’s broken stones present the way. on, brave Prince, the thought must surely strike e towers, > Curiosities of Literature are lentiful as ever, though we ve no Disks. ready to . WANTED, Three Good CHARIVARI. For youth like yours exertion hath its charms, d you repulse those Arabs’ dingy arms, You climb alone, and swift the height you gain, Your panting suite:toil after you in vain; d now upon the apex Sir, you stand, And rapidly survey old Egypt's land : record them. Here is one Yonder is Cairo, as you may su Se, for instance culled from the d at your feet the Nilus lincttlems. advertisements of adramatic No English Heir Apparent to the Crown print :— Ever before upon that scene looked down. Omens are heathen t » but O permit A thought from Poet-lip not all unfit. and the diverting stratagem by which the Roman hero was made ridiculous, are tully deseribed in RoLuriy’s Ancient History. Line 23. Essays and Reviews. At the same time I am far from asserting that it is impossible that some of the authors should not be unimbued with convictions that they are not unjustified. Line 88. Before the Hour. It would be much to my regret were this e sup- sed to impute indolence to the Prince, whose activity is as proverbial as my phi- osophy. | Line 44. After you in vain. I mean no disre t to the physical capabilities of | the gentlemen in attendance, but it is reasonable that they should be outstripped | by ayoung man. Indeed the line is a compliment, as recognising their being grave | and reverend seniors. Line 51. O permit. If I have ventured too high into the realms of fancy, the generous reader will remember that the Pyramid is one of the very highest edifices in the world, and will allow for the excitement of i exaltation. | Line 60. Has cut his own. This passage has given me much uneasiness. I have no knowledge that the Prince did anything of the kind. Yet several persons of my acquaintance, and of a princely character, have done it. The verse shall stand, | If the statement be erroneous, it can do little harm, and if not, in a few years the circumstance will be forgotten, as when the loose stones on the top of the id are covered with inscriptions, the Arabs turn them over to offer a tablet for new arrivals, thus leaving no stone unturned to obtain backsheesh. John Bright in his Place. Ir seems a pity that so clever a man as Mr. Bricut ‘should remain excluded from office ; yet he could hardly be a member of any Cabinet resolved to maintain the national independence and defences. Should the Derbyite opposition turn out Lorp Patmgrston’s Government, as by the help of Trish priest-ridden mobs, abetted by English Conservative electors, they will do, if Conservative electors continue to return Derbyite representatives,—then, indeed, there would be a chance for the Member for Birmingham ; who should supersede Maumessvr y. Mr. Bricut, no doubt, would prove himself a truly Foreign Minister. “HERE, I SAY, You—” War is a certain sporting newspaper, folded in another, like a pretty girl’s first ball ? Because, don’t you see, it is.an Lra in a Belle’s Life. |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. nn [Marcu 29, 1862, NAR! bd. \ ij i Agee ec ea 4 A SHORT CUT THROUGH THE WOOD. Sporting Gent. “’OUNDS BEEN THROUGH HERE, OLD Man?” Old Man. “ Ya’as!” Sporting Gent. ‘‘’Ow Lone ?” Old Man. “ FIvE-aND-TWENTY MINNITS ABOUT!” REVIVAL OF THE CANINE-FANCY. Great Match at the Swell Westminster, Pit, between Lord Ds dog “ Chelmsford”? and the “ Westbury Pup? From the Westminster Beil’s Life. Tuis aristocratic place of sporting-resort for the tip-top nobs and swells, who encourage the true British sports of the canine-fancy, which have lately _— sadly down in the world, owing to the spooney- ism of modern milk-and-water manners, which proscribes ‘such sports as ““low”—Heaven save the mark! (“an ounce of civet, good apothe- cary!”) is once more, we rejoice to say, on its legs, and is now the scene on two or three. nights weekly, of canine “ mills,” which recall the palmy days of 1832, and the old days of the famous dogs of the “ Reform” breed, whose game “sets-to” used to gather such crowds of aristocratic backers about the venerable pit, which preceded the present rather “gingerbread” erection. Since those halcyon days, the memorable matches between those game old bull-dogs Brougham and Campbell, have reflected a temporary lustre on the faded glories of the canine-fancy, in this its aristocratic “crib,” but still it was not to be denied, the “sport” had waned, and our “nobs” were growing too dainty to handle dogskin without kid gloves. Biting a tail was voted low, and choking off.a biter not to be thought off. Few indeed would even confess to breeding, much less backing, canine combatants of the old Zearem strain—dogs that would pin anything on four legs, and defied human force to tail or choke ’em off, when once their tushes had met in their adversary’s “ beef.” But “a change has come o’er the spirit of our dream,” and “the game’s alive again,” in the nobby new Westminster Pit. A bull- terrier of extraordmary game and go, has been lately entered for matches at this pit, who certainly recalls the best performances of the celebrated dog Brougham, and is, if anything, a quicker dog on his legs, sharper in his bite, stronger in the jaw, and immeasurably nastier in temper, than that old canine hero. The Westbury Pup, as the new doz is christened, gained his early laurels in a long series of combats in the numerous pits about Lincoln’s Inn Fields and Westminster Hall, at which he won every match he was entered for. Here the Westhuy Pup, then known as Kewsey, was backed at long odds against many dogs who have had their day—varmint of the regular hard-mouthed, long-winded, artful sort, most in requisition for the butchering style 0 game carried on in these well-known sporting neighbourhoods. _Thenc: the Pup worked his way up, victory by victory, till he fell into the knowing hands of the “ Bottleholder,” who was then superintending the matches in the Saint Stephen’s Pit, next door to the nobby crib a which the Pup is now figuring. The “ Bottleholder” was very cocky about his new dog. He kept him dark at first—entering him as Little Bethel, and backing him heavily for ail sorts of performances—frou monkey-worrying to rat-killing—to say nating of a host of matches against the gamest and wickedest dogs that could be brought into the Pit, any breed, or weight. Under the “ Bottleholder’s” judicious handling, the Pup’s style of fighting ingpeves; he got less “rushy,’| and less given to snap right and left, and waste his strength in biting without purpose, which is the danger with him, for he is so fond o fighting, that rather than not fight, he’d go in at an old woman’s petti coat, or a French poodle. The Pup is still understood to be under the * Bottleholder’s ” charge, but now that he has been entered at the nobby crib where he now figures, the “Bottleholder” no longe) handles him in the Pit, or appears personally as his backer. ‘This task has devolved on little Jounnny Russet. and Grorcy Gower, alia “The President,” who are understood to make matches for the Pu) and wait upon him in the Pit. An impromptu match was made tit} other day, to fight the Pup against Rupert, the well-known and higi| bred British bull-dog, which ended in a worry and a wrangle, the stakes being claimed on both sides, but retained by the umpire. Since this little event there have been a series of matches on tht tapis between the Westbury Pup’s backers and those of the well-know! ‘LIld WALSNINLSUM WAL TY aNiwen

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a ae fy om f HNINVO LV ‘Lid WHOSNIALSAM WAL W; Nila ae fz =) aad \Y iy, =F Ay We ee ow dog Y Z In the Mh | Tall, at a il c \ t may ‘ yuthed, a style of Thence 44 Y % y rg q A Q F ° ==} | 5 & my 3 Oo A Q es b> =] — = > =e] = | K4 > =] Q ss bo ad — fe] ao bo ito the ing the erib at y cocky s Lith GZ ye A —from : tit Ma i — NS able ANG matches : Y ’ is WAL: (SSE & NS nto the a : dicious 3 pushy,” biting fond of s petti- = es der the A La = a | at the ie SSS): ! || res _ ae — - Je on YN Ly) y!

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BEE SESE R ASHP 8 thts et on Il ER SS . co

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 127 Maron 29, 1862.] dale, and some very St. Leonards, Cranworth, and Wensiley “mills” are understood to have come off in the private- the crib, from which the public have been excluded. eneounters is thrown into the shade by the — the 18th = re ach na still game, though not fresh, dog, > have an opposition, in the this lot, at evens, but Jonyny and tabled their money 8 heavy hment in already alluded to, in which the latter is a eaten performances to warrant terrible a punisher as the ing his mark. The “crib” Chelmsford being, if anythi ie ow, whenever they coul aie, Asad stood hi in about him; but he is a less po | , and his jaw is not so well made for gripping, nor did his grinders, as far as we could see, look so formidable. uick dog Be ee mans rycen 0 ee 3 ‘ a i dash and bottom, but these will not for want of beam and scantling; in horse or dog. Though an i inate aeons yore a looks pered and inoffensive. shorter, thicker, roomier dog, with a good deal with the bull in his figurehead. wer of us; and hi of ivories insplendid order. He looks ing, ev cain eh to muscle. “Ho has less dash and e in action than into his dog in a quiet, insidious, easy style, which it is a treat to watch, but when he does get within grip, the-way he a teeth meet, is what our transatlantic friends wo a caution. ; e is, however, an | ¢ marks | and his | deserves, of a The fight was a very lively one, and we have seldom—in any pit— seen a greater amount of punishment inflicted in the same time. Chelmsford made a rus as soon as his backer let him go, and pinned h the Pup by the scruff of the im violently. The was ottdently taken aback by ipeninenad ad inpotunsliyediecall dog’s rush, ani seemed “in queerstreet” for a few seconds, i which the old dog re his pues Vaieten on the mm Se: A Pst, — pape the old dog. ut the was not long in pulling himself.ro get his wind, his return on the ald aes rushed in and again, and left his mark dog. to shake himself | but never: get'a chanee of punishment at the Pup, who worked him round: zit, worrying: him, in terrific style, and at last getting him down: im the corner; ap pearing resolved to make an end of him altogether; whem-the-backers interfe: red, and Lorp D. got his dog away, GzorcY orced to: bite the Pay’s tail for at least @ minute he could bei to relax The old dog was carried out of the pit bleeding heavily, leal mangled about the head and jaws. showed comparatively ttle signs of punishment, but his backers had great difficulty in getting muzzle on, as he repeatedly attempted to break away from them, ———s his worry by chawing up the old. dog, from gam: the canme-fancy—since the: brated. Kilkenny Cats, whieh by the bye fancy, rather than the “canine.” It might i : ” and now that this manly and traly Briti — m the haunts of . fastidious Rae inate been: thus brilliantly inaugurated in our noble rtsmen’s trust that we may often be entertained by eam i which we have recorded, under the ambitious , “ REvivaL or THE Cantne-Fancr!” The “ Bottleholder” is understood to have’ obj altogether, and to have cut up rough with Ggorey t i a ans 9 But as Gzoney says, in his quaint : “Hf: ave it, he must ’ave it; ’cos nobody can’t ’old him,” s 4 4 A TILT AT THE TURNPIKES. F all fish the pike isthe most greedy voracious. And certainly these _ epithets, may with equ justice be applied to the turn-pike. This rapacious monster ever keeps its jaws open to receive ‘\ its prey, and no amountof victims \ ever seem to sa- tiate it. What myriads on the Derby Day are 3 grabbed to fill its maw, and yet who ever heard of its showing signs of surfeit ? The other day a deputation called on Srz Grorex Garey to present rial from in South London, praying ‘that the Surrey i abolished. Our good frend Viscount Wi- i showed himself much more at E c thereto adjacent, night to be in that of South no wg ome Service estimate, he doubted whether Buenos the Packet in a debate on Ayres and Callao were in the latter country, a doubt which Ma. Caaw- FORD was so kind as to clear up. In the course of his remarks, which Were very much more sensible than are some he now and then is wont to let drop in the House, the Viscount said that the memorialists— “‘ Felt that the continuance of these gates constituted a peculiar grievance in the midst of a s neighbourhood, and what they asked was, that these gates and omitted from the Continuance Act of the Surrey and Sus- The gromndscm which they did so were that eleven years ago, an Act continued these gates, in order to pay off certain debts owing by m. paid off, and the Trust were ; for what purpose the inhabi- d main‘ vehicles went over the bye roads, which had parishes, in order to avoid paying the tolls, and they thus and caused a great additional expense to the parishes over which they would have to pay if the traffic were allowed to take its*natural course. Trust meant to introduce a clause for the continuance of these Trusts in the Annual Continuance Highways Act, and what the deputation asked was, thatthe Right Hon. Baronet would be so good as to prevent them from doing so.” That toll-gates are a nuisance surely no one can dispute, and that a Turnpike Trust is not always to be trusted, a oe made by Mr. BRADFIELD, the zealous amentary agent of the Toll Reformers, will perhaps suffice to show :— “‘ The debts, for the payment of which the Continuance Act had been passed, had all been paid off four years ago. The Trustees now let the tolls for from £22,000 to £25,000, while the repairs of the roads only cost £13,000 a- . The parishes were, he believed, willing to take this expense upon Ghemndoes ; and there was no reason why a sum so much in excess of the actual requirements should be levied the Trust. In fact, the whole case of the deputation would be found in the of a select committee of the House of Commons, signed with reference to the tolls on the North side of London. was done with reference to these tolls ; and the special reason for the continuance of the South London tolls having ceased to operate, it was but just and reasonable that the tolls should cease to exist also. ‘* Sir G. Grey. Where does the difference of the sums collected and that spent on the repairs of the road go to? “ Several Gentlemen. Ah ! that is just what we shonld like to know. (Laughter.)” Persons partial to arithmetic may find in this a puzzling problem. to, work out. If the repairs.cost £13,000 and the tolls are. annually let for £25,000, where, pray, does the difference of £12,000 es ¢ fe and where do the trustees themselves expect to go? Certainly un i little sum be solved, the Trust must be esteemed as one of doubtful credit. How much trouble is occasioned to the nation by the toll-gates, and how many tempers are lost yearly through the loss of a. toll-ticket, is another point suggested for patient calculation, but.which we have no leisure now to under review. The elder Mr.. WeLtER that the man who keeps a turnpike-gate must be a. y misanthrope who. wishes to oe himself for crossed in or for having suffered some other slight or insult, by hiding ina t , like a brigand in his cave, and levying black mail upon all. who come within his clutch. “Stand and deliver!” is the cry. of these papvarnen, who stop all those who ride or drive on the Quzen’s highway, an with no fear of the gallows, say to any ,. Your money, or your wife’s!” How many more Derby Days will pass before the public is rid of these road-robbers, we cannot 2 toguess. But as Sir Gzorce Grey, when he dismissed the deputation, said he had “the utmost fa do —— to all parties, mee poate ——_ convenience of the public,” of course we further will be done until there is brought to hear a pressure from with- out. The Government just now is not much given to reform; and unless the nation itself take up the matter, we fear that little will be done to help the Toll Reformers in' their tilting at the gates.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Manon 29, 1862, LURES FOR LADIES. * WEET Mrs. Situ, ARE you like most ladies a reader of ad- vertisements ? If so, I make no doubt your eye has fallen on the | following, which has for some while past weekly been inserted in the Lady's News- paper — N EASY FOR. TUNE, guaranteed by various Continental go- vernments, may be made by a small outlay. = For particulars enclose s stamped directed enve- lope to Messrs. G. Hirscu- FELD & Co., 8, Church Court, Clement’s Lane, City, London, Agents to Messas. Haupt AND VOGEs, in Hamburg. = This sounds tempt- == ing, does it not? And if it so appears to you who have a well-filled purse and a carriage at command, how luring must it seem to our — friend Mrs. 3 —NES, who, we know, has a bare competence and half-a-dozen children left her to support. How must she be ee to expend a couple of stamps in applying for ; panle ars” as to how by a small outlay she may make an easy fortune! Supposing she applies, what, think you, will she get in return for her spent twopence ? Why, eve an expert, she will get two flimsy scraps of foreign-printed paper, the one entitled: “Scheme of the two hundred and forty-second Lottery of the free city of Hamburgh of 34,500 tickets and 18,500 prizes, Guaranteed by Government,” and the other a short letter ting her “kind notice” to the same, and yavine out the many benefits she may derive from the said scheme. Likewise it will refer er to a business firm in London for satisfaction that the lottery is a legitimate affair, and really guaranteed by the Government of Hamburgh, having actually existed for 120 years. How many easy fortunes have in all that time been made by it, Mrs. Jy-xs is left at liberty to guess. But as the aye prize obtainable is two hundred thousand marks, which Mrs. J-nzs will very likely take to mean two hundred thousand pounds, the chances are she will not trouble herself with any calculations of the odds there are against her pocketing that sum, but will forward at once the price requested for a ticket, and will consider it a certainty that the “easy fortune” will very soon be hers. Two hundred thousand anythings, whether pounds or pennies, she will think so large a sum, that she will scarcely give a thought to the “small ony eee to secure the chance of getting it. What are a few shi |a@ princely income as two hundred thousand pounds ? for doubtless Mrs. J-wzs, like many | other fair accountants, is in the habit of mistaking a fortune for an income, and of considering that a yearly income equal to itself. So away will go the shillings, and back won’t come the looked- while in the expectancy of getting such a sum, for her children, and have very likely moved them to a larger house. So that when the dis- appointment that may be expected comes, and she discovers, as the odds are, that she has drawn a blank, it is probable that she will have expended all her savings and be sinking into debt, from which with her small means it will be difficult to free herself. Pray, then, my dear Madam, assist me in | verting poor weak and thoughtless ladies, away postage stamps (which they can ill affor age in obtaining the partic asy ag! in one case in ten millions, uch details are a sad povegeation to widows, left with a large family and very little are chiefly set is shown by having such adv tisements put in the Lady’s Newspaper, which is presumed to come any beneath the female eye; and now that their true import has been faithfully exposed, may we not expect that their appearance there will cease ? En attendant, T remain, my dear Madam, your | charming sex’s ever constant friend and fearless champion, PUNCH. any sum which falls into her hands will produce ' | | | | | to such | | | | for two hundred thousand pounds: and mean- | Mrs. J. will doubtless have bought new clothes | Tike € | our young friend Mrs. J-nzs, from answering | advertisements such as the above, and feomng of how an | ortune may,” if there’s no trickery, | e. OOF | means. ‘That it is for the fair sex these snares | adver- | A CARD. Tue celebrated hay cen Medium, I, M. Postzr, Esq., may be seen through daily at his fashionable residence in Bryanstone Street, Bryan- stone Square, where Mr. I. M. P. continues to charm his numerous and aristocratic admirers by changing the widow’s aay eee to gold, draw- draughts from orphan’s eyes, and notes from the vibrating chords of ection. His practical application of the vivisection of bl hearts is recommended to bereaved parties as a precious co ion under recent losses. Spirit Hands of departed relatives prepared from measure- ment, drawings, or casts, and warranted warm. Deceased friends, whose names are recorded in Newspaper Obituaries, Peerages, an History (sacred as well as profane), will give the dates of their births, deaths, and marriages, and any other information which may be commu- nicated to I. M. Poster; either before or during the meeting. I. M. P., to prevent PY =a has to request that where such informa- tion is required, it should be supplied in time for use, as he cannot be expected to keep it on hand himself in the quantities i fair and above board. Mn. I. P. raps upon the table openly, and reads and writes above as easily as he does below it, and both without any attempt at concealment. Sceptics need not take the trouble to attend. Mx. I. M. P. doesnot ask for their money, and they will learn nothing. Sharp children not admitted ; idiots half-price ; lunatics free. N.B. No connection with the rival Medium, Mz. Hoom-Bue, whose manipulations, if — wish it, may doubtless be seen through at his residence. I. M. Poster flatters himself that the spirits supplied by him are the only genuine articles, and. are warranted the wood. =. As P.S. Parties wits to raise their own spirits may learn terms on application to Mx. I.M.P. To save trouble, [. M. Poster, Esq., begs to say that the only Medium through which he can be communicated with is, the circulating one, or, in other words, “the current coin of the realm.” uired. is h drawn from Tue Breacuine Act.—Any Act that detains one in a hot theatre after ten o’clock. “SHAN’T DO AS WE’RE BID.” Dictation is the order of the day. Mx. Boucicautr dictates to the | critics what they are to say about his writings, besides intimating on | the stage that newspaper articles are obtainable by bribes. The Trade Unions dictate to workmen as to what wages they are to accept, and blow up the houses of the disobedient with gunpowder. Str ARCHIBALD | ALison dictates all his histories, and hence sends P. ine Pickle to a | modern funeral, and puts the Emprror or THE FReENcH into the Glasgow Sheriff’s Court. Here is another bit of dictation, which seems | to Mr. Punch both insolent and unconstitutional. It is an advertise- ment signed by a person called Bontems :— | ORTH RIDING OF YORKSHIRE ELECTION, 1862.— As the | Contest lies between two opponents of the Ballot, its friends in the North Riding | are earnestly entreated NOT to VOTE at this Election. By order of the Committee of the Ballot Society. The critics are obedient to Mr. Boucicautt, the workmen are obedient to the Unions, Sir A. ALison’s amanuensis is obedient to |him. But either the electors of the North Riding resent the insolence | of Bonrems, or the Ballot must have very few friends there. For at the | close of the poll, the number of voters was 10,559, while there are in | the registry but about 12,000. We are glad to see that all Britons | will not be Slaves. | The Best Abused Science of the Day. Poxrticat Economy has long been a Science that has been much | talked about, but very little practised. Least of all has it been under- | stood by Governments. Can you point to any one existing Government | that practically enforces its doctrines? In fact, does Political Economy exist at all in the present day, excepting in our Universities? With | our increasing expenditure—an increase of not less than twenty millions | in twenty years—we think it is time that this scientific iampostor should in honesty throw off its libellous cognomen, and, instead of being called Political "Zoonomy, should with greater truth be for the future only alluded to as the Science of Political Extravagance.

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SR AR AP ERS MES Soy ? "Eom SE ama o — Maron 29, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. RESERVED SEATS WITH A RESERVATION. Most visitors of the theatre 60 there to be amused; but they ver often meet with diversion besides amusement. Seated in the secon or third row of the boxes, after the play has begun, whilst they are closely following the ‘ormance in a fon teceed effective pet of it, their attention is suddenly diverted therefrom by a party of people who have taken places in front, and who, coming in late, ilies orapeny intervi between their seats and the door to get u uP sag room tolet them This is a diversion which i is not only additional, pe — opposite to the amusement which is afforded by the-players ——_ and not janehions clenched teeth, which hold in lan. OF cad gentonse: wheat nant oe ieee kth and gentlemen w he amusement 0: to the 4 io a of mind occasionally, as above described eatres, will read with some satisfaction the annexe inet rep creer of a infale lawsuit, the result of which affords. them hope of eliverance from that unwelcome diversion:— * nee pe 2 targa ang at y. ot Oe Wee. pty Court was an action ouNG v. BU Haymarke eatre. ie plaintiff; omthe 3rd of February, ihe anal places in the boxes; for which he paid 35s., and.received a printed receipt: bearing on it the numbens:of the seats. Plaintiff friends arrived at the theatre: after no Sana for the defendant, calling upon the un tn sehedionse trom iaeihociamireirs oxallite pay the cos of fn Lips gee who - , scunstannelisie to the” play hearing it, to be peas oune, th ieee and | in the abov case 0 ‘eecoe A a a en et out of his own pocket, obtained a: 7 decision WwW ae UCKSTONE’s good example is gene ollowed by in some measure secure tem in the en pur- suit it of thera jeet:. Of courserthe plaintiff did not ee pen to notice the condition under-which the seats were reserved, n in the receipt for his 35s., and his:lawyer, doubtless, overlooked it 3 Mr. Younes, doubtless, never expected, or was , that the letter of the law would bear him out in ignormg so just a stipulation. Otherwise we ao most heartily congratulate him on having lost his cause, and had me Es. Bucxstone’s costs as well as his own, and the costs of Mr. Bucxstonx’s four witnesses, besides having lost his £1 15s., and being deservedly laughed at for his failure in a mean and shabby attempt to “ County-Court ” Mr. Buckstone. for = a4 THE VULPICIDE. (4 Hunting Song.) ™ month was March, and South the wind, i clouds o ion the sky. The fox before, the pom behind Were chasi in full ery. For many a mile o’er hills and dales e hunters’ course had been, O’er hedge and ditch, and double rails, With prickly fence between As Wasson. gay nen hendon town, He brought the f the tuneful thruses ~~ irds floored lik A fine hen- — chanced t Le stray From ow hbourin = sehen ety oy oem —* And bagged her = she stood. Ah! hark the music of the me Pack, And huntsman’s sounding On = Reynard’s devious Ts The Tor i field cane, o’er yonder corn-fie nm! 7a lists the wil wild d halloo, _ d now sees what those ‘outcries mean : ac fox is in their view. Braet by the lengthened chace, = Reynard comes that way, With panting sides and — pace, Which: sore fatigue betra Five minutes more, and then the hounds When pop? te rea d e man’s piece resounds, wat: the fox is slain. . The hunters keen, not at fae death, Come in, but after tha And each man shouts with all his breath, And waves his cap or hat. Forthwith the fox’s brush they hew From whence that had grown ; And fix the same our Sportsman to, So as to seem his own. THE ORGAN GRINDING NUISANCE. “Denar Mar.. Puncn, “As master and missus leastways Master takes Inn yure er reglar, ae Jeanne ne as Putt im in punch so as or im to se Is self in a Tru lite. Has e apperes wen a poar It orgin man Cums to play Hus a toon at the Sag: runnin out in the Strete stormin and Raven horderen the ela orf or give Im in chardg to the pelisse. And wy ? al for nothink Save and Ixcep Master bein a Stronomer or Somthink of that sort and bizzey with Rithmetic and Mathew Matticks and al that nonsens oh e Mustent be disturbed at is Bokes and rightin. leas ser i wants to No wot write master ave got to ender me and susan avin our Musick? e as ism when e and missus poze to _consorts and italion Theaiter and wy ain’t we to ave our litel Italien Uproar as wel! ‘* Sumwheres Crescint, March 1862.” » “Mary.” There is no reason why axe —_ ues enor | her little uproar, or as much uproar she likes, if she aod to hear it when she can have that pleasure unattended by else’s annoyance. When she gets a holiday, or leave out, t A her time to enjoy the re- creation of mane Her master, w - in professional calc tions, is Fg y earning the income out of which own wages are paid. That alone is a sufficient reason gy Ry has no right to the cha of an uproar which distracts attention from his The Pope's own Peer. WE are in a position to a that his Holiness the Porz has _waitten an sntoanae letter to the Marquis or Normansy, thanking the noble Marquis for the zeal and omen which he has dis layed on the nets side m the questions which he has put, and the s es he has the House of Lords touching Italian affairs. Holy Father tells Lorp Normansy that the icnaes he is obliged 'to t continually i. gwettanas by his Lordship’s sympathy, which affords sherry to the itters Classical Association. Unper the signature of “ A WyKEHAMIST,” a correspondent of the Morning Post suggests the establishment of ‘ gene first-class club,” to consist of ‘ ‘fiton, Winchester, Charterho Rugby, and Harrow men,” and to be called “ the Old "Public Sch Club.” a roundabout and rather clumsy, name. The proposed society had better be called “ The Birch Club.” Mere Imprertrnence.—Mr. Digpsans says that the Dackeation of Paris ought to be altered. We dulawed for Venus. Wo Mr. Disraztt have him declare for ot be

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ee [Maron 29, 1862, MZ yY A SPIRIT RAPPING SEANCE! Mr. Foxer (a Medium). ‘Ou pear ! THERE’s a Sprrit NAMED WALKER WRITING ON MY ARM!” | | | DEATH OF A NONOGENARIAN. Diep, on’ Wednesday, March 19, at her residence in the Strand, Mrs. Mokwimxe Curonictz. Born in 1769, the deceased has had a long and a varied-career. Her father was the celebrated Wiit1aM Wooprat, who did all that a fond parent could do for a child, and after her ce with Mr. James Perry, she became a notoriety for her wit and spirit. For many years she was connected with many of the most distinguished politicians of the Liberal side, and her album ts the autographs of Lorp Brovenam, Lorp Campsett, Mr. Tomas Moorg, and numerous other illustrious persons. Later in life, her connections became of a somewhat different kind, and she was unders to have imbibed some of the then fashionable religious tenets of what was called Puseyism, but it is due to the shrewd sense o the departed lady to add that these never led her into absurdities in connection with secular matters, in which ahe was always true to her ancient convictions. During this period of her history she lived ve expensively, and took great pleasure in surroundi herself wit younger persons of intellect, whose prospects she forwarded very materially. With the close of this epoch in her life ended the bright- ness of her career, and it would have been well for her reputation had her career itself then terminated. But she became connected with a lawyer of no great eminence or talents, and her position in society was materially deteriorated, after.which the senile caprices of old age made her addict herself to a favourite who ha pened to be a foreigner, and under whose dictation she did not scruple to avow shameless and un- English sentiments. Abandoned by her French protégé, the unfortunate old lady fell into the hands of the owner of a my icture-paper, and it is to linger over the later scenes of her life. Her debility became excessive, and she would delight to tell long and dreary stories acquired from the journal belonging to her last connection. It was felt that the end was coming, and this person’s bankruptcy was the final blow. On Wednesday the poor old lady spoke for the last time. We are not aware that any persons are placed in mourning by her demise, but what relics of fortune she may have possessed will probably fall to M. Sr Esq., formerly her neighbour, or to D. Textyerarr, Esq., of Fleet Street. It would be pleasant could we draw the curtain over t the last part of her life, as we should then have only to biographise her | as of honourable parentage and marriage, and as having acquitted | herself with courage, honour, and intellect, in the difficult relations of | her life. But her misfortunes were not her faults, and many are living | who will preserve a respectful recollection of the departed. Her} | mortal remains will be interred in Basinghall Street after a post mortem | examination. | PRAISE WHERE LEAST EXPECTED. Tue New York Herald has been kind enough to allude to us in terms that we feel to be almost too complimentary. It talks of our “shabby | wit, low sarcasm, and serious caricatures.” We hardly know what we | f | have done to deserve so much kindness, for to be abused by the Nev | York Herald we consider as the very highest praise that any conscien- | tious journalist, who does not scruple boldly to speak the truth and | expose humbug, can possibly receive in this ungrateful world. We | accept it as the fitting reward of a long life honestly spent. Atter | haying been abused by James Gorpon Bennett, Puach feels with | glowing pride that he hasn’t lived in vain! We could wish for no greater | eulogium than the above abuse to be inscribed on our tombstone. But | only fancy if this Barnarp Grecory of the Yankee Press had malig- | nantly presumed to praise us! What mortal, with any de; of sell- respect, could have survived the humiliation? What number of cow- | hides could possibly have avenged the burning insult? May all the little cherubs that sit up aloft save us from so degrading a calamity !{ Extreme Blackness of the Cloth. | Tue Clergy have been up in a large body to the Lornp CHAMBERLAIN to protest against the opening. of the theatres during Passion week. | We call this extremely ungrateful on the part of our clergymen, con- | sidering that not one of the London Managers made any fuss about | lending them their theatres to preach in on the Sunday. No one would | think of characterising this clerical movement as emanating from the | Liberal Church. Printed by London.—Sarcupar, March 29, 1*6z. Bradbury, of No. 13, U Woburn Place, and Mullett of No.1 ‘a Road West Sy thks Othe la Losahors Meenee we ane Precinct of i Ur Gs a tone ot Published Regent’s Park, both in the Parish of St. by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the P,

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ee LA a be | defeating his r two PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 131 PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 24, Monday. Mr. Punch has to remark that whether the cause be the impending Exhibition, or the great news from America, or the contemplation of Pgazopy’s munificence, or the appear- of Mx. Gre’s programme, or the incubation of the Pythoness, or | some other disturbing influence, the : leone of the country is ina | state of mild collapse, He would hardly consider it worth his i at all this week, were it not for a on the Friday in connection Mz. Wurrestve rath ly described when he said t upon The CHancetiok has pushed his beloved friend Lorn Cnzumsrorp, in an attempt to rs and clause, but declining to insert a ; HAPTESBURY, who seems to dislike a t Pree that no “opinion” of a medical oO y. ars of ey Dunfermline and a | ed the Standing Orders, but und of the extreme desirability of the ly withstood. by the wn DASTED, who t of the Legislature. ermline is a knock out and in which the present inhabitants have very hospitable habits, and Ur. Punch regrets that there should be any ag 3p ee in the way of a scheme for connecting them more closely with Edinburgh, whence they procure the blood-red and other wines which they dispense so freely. Still, their attempt to seize Queen’s Ferry, instead of buying it, savours more of the dag of the king above-mentioned than those of Queen Victoria, and Mr, Pugeh must recommend to the Dunfermliners a course of practice less chiv t more in accordance with effemi- nate notions of justice. The Bruce, that is to say Mz. Cummine Bruce, led them on upon this but not to a Bannockburn (save that their own bannocks were burned) but rather to a Flodden. But never mind— ‘* If it was na weel bobbit, weel bobbit, weel bobbit, If it was na weel bobbit, we’ll bob it again.” The ArronnEy-GENERAL stated that the reason why the Bankruptcy Bill had not worked last year so well as it sho ve done was, that three out of the five London Commissioners attended very irregularly, and because more Registrars were wanted. New Registrars can ae be had; and, unless the other parties mend their manners, Mr. Punch would also recommend new Commissioners. A little Irish row is a thing to be grateful for in these days, and the House was quite pleased when a debate arose on a modest proposition that Irish workhouse qnepising, of the Catholic religion, should not be appointed or dismissed until the Goyernment should have ascertained the will and pleasure of the Roman Catholic bishops on the point. A bit of downright audacious impudence does one good, and the House warmed up, and let Macourre talk nonsense about a badge of slavery ;” and a Catholic who did not desire the change being a “slave at hen and similar trash. Of course, Sm RoBert Peel “respectfully ” declined making any such concession, and those who asked it did not carry their assurance into the lobby. On the Mutiny Bill big Mz. Wurtz moved the omission of the clause which authorises flogging in the Army, Sm G. C, Lewis stated that this punishment was becoming rarer and rarer, in conse- quence of what we may call the filtering arrangement by which soldiers are divided into , and enco to maintain self-respect. But he declined to take away the power of inflicting the lash; and, on divi- sion, there were 67 for the Government, and ft for Mr. Wuire. _ Tuesday. A Bill for enabling the Trustees of that queer-looking place in Lineoln’s Inn Field: ed Sir Jonn Soanz’s Museum, to lend to the International some of the articles hoarded in that den by the crabbed old architect, was forwarded in the Lords. And Lorp Car- NARVON made a speech in favour of Poland, to which Lorp RussEL1 replied at great length, but to the effect that we could do nothing, but that much might be hoped from the benevolence of the Emrzror. If all that we hear be true, there is room for an unlimited expansion of such benevolence, for certain continental journals state that a gentleman named Zamoysk1 has just been literally cut to pieces with rods, at Warsaw, for having published a liberation journal called the Pilot. e House of mmons kept the appointment made by Mr. ALPOLE for an Education debate. e brought forward certain Tesolutions in opposition to the arrangements proposed by the Revised Code. Mr. Punch is not acing 2 to an analysis of the debate, or Mx. Lowz’s statesmanship shall be tested, as he proposes to test the tools, by Results. The result of the debate, or of the conviction ob- tained by Goreramett as to the power of the so-called “religious” , was that on Friday night, Mz. Lows, though menaced with no chickweed was | L Bill through Committee, | M hostile division, announced the submission of Ministers upon certain important particulars. He proposes to give a part of the Government grant to aschool on a report of the Inspector, and a part on an examina- tion—he will not insist on grouping by age—and he will take care of the interests of the pupil-teachers. Victory is claimed by the opponents of the scheme, but possibly Mr. Lows acted as tradesmen do in the case of ladies who are known to be addicted to “ bargaining”—the seller adds ten per cent. to the ue he means to receive, and takes that off in compliance with the haggling protests of the fair economist. But the whole operation does not speak well for the confidence of Govern- ment in its own strength, or in the wisdom of Mr. Lows, and it was felt that a case of dignus vindice had oeeurred, so it was arranged that ORD PaLMERsTON, unfortunately troubled with the gout, should come down on the following Monday, and say something pleasant. Of course k. WALPOLE was all smiles, and Mz, a was the Quintessence of Parliament, solemnly complimentary, in his very best manner. The debate, which occupied Tuesday and Thursday night, was ex- tremely dull, and was almost entirely am the Bores. Perhaps the Wesleyan bishops, who ordered their put the screw on, were right, and few Members had opinicaa of their vp upon the Edueation question, Mr. Punch merely p on on record his protest against cer- tain Cant which has been talke ane the discussion, and utterly refuses to assent to the proposition that it is not a Religious Education that makes a boy clean, orderly, prompt, and intelligent, or that it is a Hehgous Education that teaches him to eall over the names of the children of Pahath-moab, the children of Kirjatharim, the children of saree the children of Adonikam, and the children of Bethjeshi- moth, No way insensible to the value of certain arguments of the Fg ean of secular education, Mr. Punch nevertheless maintains that the three R.’s help the fourth R. much better than Mz. Roenuck’s friend JenosnarHar can do, But the agitation has done incalculable good, and the schools will be electrified into wholesomer life than they ve ever enjoyed, Wednesday's proceedings were perfectly unleor tent, except to unfor- tunate young persons who may incur the punishment of being whipped in gaol, and who may be interested in knowing that their offences will be visited in future, not with the instrument that castigates our gallant online, but that which chastises our youthful aristocracy—Betulla, vice Felis, Thursday. Except as aforesaid, and an intimation by Mr. Layarp to Sm Georce Bowyer that certain questions asked here in the interest of the Italian Brigands had better be asked in the free Par- liament of Turin, there was nothing worthy of crystallisation. ” Friday. Another blank, save that Mr. Lowe “came down,” as hath been mentioned. Mr. Hentey remarked that it would be “almost a sin” to make the Education question one of party. We shall probably see how near to sina good many good people are not afraid to come. With which remark Mr. Pusch concludes the abstract and brief chronicle of the Parliamentary Week, his work resembling that of the respected ancestors of M.M. Roruscuiip, M.P., Savemons M.P., and Gotpsmip, M.P., when one of the Amenophizzes required them to make bricks without straw. MORMONITE PETTICOAT GOVERNMENT. Tue American news in the Zimes one day last week contained the announcement that— ‘On the 3rd Brigham Youne was elected President of Utah, and Hepe C. KimBa., Lieutenant-Governor.” Until we read this item of intelligence we were unaware that, to the extent which it indicates, Mormonism acknowledged the political rights of women, Hxse C. Kimpatt, we presume, is a lady about to become one of the already numerous Mesdames Brigham Younc. When Hese Cuar.orre Kimpatt exchanges the name of Kreatt for that of Youne, it may be that Youne will adore his’ new spouse, but the American Hese, inasmuch as YounG is rather old, will not therefore become the Goddess of Youth. The Mormonites showed some com- laisance in electing Bricuam’s new consort to be his Lieutenant- vernor, or, to speak perhaps more correctly, Governess. This is the first authentically recorded appointment of a female to any kind of Lieutenancy, for Tittle reliance can be placed on the statement in the popular ballad which narrates the promotion of the sailor girl to be first Lieutenant of the gallant Thunderbomb, : It is not without some misgiving that we publish the foregoing account of Miss Krmsaut’s election to the Lieutenant-Governorship of Utah. The prospect of obtaining such a situation as hers may allure to the borders of the Great Salt Lake too many young ladies who cannot t married, and have no more agreeable lot before them at home than that of an English Governess. ' Unwecessary Patent ror Poor Prorite.—“ Stevens’ Patent for Kneading (needing) bread.” P

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[Aprit 5, 1862, \ : aN if i I ~. ia femnni 7 — Ba | WA | i | } y ’ ‘ = ; i | i | f. | 4 “wif § Ay fi Y \ ) Y LE UW 'S SEAM (LILLE 7. Ballet of Action with which Sparkles (who says he is so hard at work at his Picture), and his Friend and Model, Jack Bounce, refresh themselves in the intervals of labour. MERRY AND DREARY ENGLAND. * Mr. Ponca, “Tae lamentable statement subjoined has perhaps met your | eye, and extracted a tear from it, as it did from mine. Inasmuch as it | appeared in more than one morning paper, no doubt it has spoiled the | breakfast of many a lover of nature :— | “ Enciosures.—The Enclosure Commission report that the following proposed | enclosures are expedient, and that a Bill will be prepared for sanctioning them :— | 2,500 acres in the township of Kirkoswald, Cumberland ; $2 acres in the parish of | Great Amwell, Herts ; Llanfechell Mountain, Anglesey, containing 282 acres ; waste | land of the manor of Huntingfield, Suffolk, about 59 acres ; about 600 acres in the — of Chigwell, formerly part of Hainault Forest; 170 acres at Wouldham, Kent ; ingwall Common, Cheshire, 25 acres; Plenmeller Common, Northumberland, 3,128 acres; Barking Common allotments, 529 acres; and Dagenham Common allotments, Essex, 43 acres. These ten enclosures amount together to 7,418 acres. The commissioners state that since the passing of the Acts (in 1845) enclosures of 889,188 acres have been confirmed.” ** All this enclosure of waste lands, so called, that is to say the conversion of so much wild country into cultivated soil and building- ground is very melancholy. There will soon not be an acre of heather and gorse, of forest, swamp, or snipe-bog, in all England. One half of the face of the earth will be crowded with human dwellings, coated mostly with stucco and compo, intermixed with smoky factories and still worse nuisances, and the other half covered with agricultural produce ; corn, kohl-rabi and mangold wurzel, or overspread with the ano, or its native equivalent, whence that produce will be raised to atten cattle and feed human beings little above the cattle. For what, much better than animals, are the human_beings likely to be, amply provided with bodily meat and drink, but destitute of needful spiritual refreshment? How are you to have any poet, when the wild prim- roses, cowslips, violets, cuckoo-flowers, marsh-marigolds dog-roses woodbine, brambles, ferns, lichens, mosses, oak, elm, beech, ash, and other timber, woodland, cover, thicket, and hedgerow bog, swamp, morass, and mountain wilderness, are all gon f e don’t want n poets,’ says pe shrewd man of business, and so does your man of the world, who thinks, with poor purblind old Joxnson, that a grove of chimneys is better than a grove of trees, who likes the hum, and indeed the humbug, of men better than the hum of bees, has no reverence for the sylvan gods, but worships his own stomach daily at his club. These fellows may not want poets to help them get money, or cook for| them and otherwise pamper their bodily appetites; but, not wanting} poets, they are incipient brutes, and their posterity, without any poets| whatever to keep humanity up in them, will ultimately descend nearly| to a level with the beasts—not of the field but—of the stye. They w become, as it were, pigs; creatures that, when turned out in a forest, see nothing in it but the acorns and mast which they hunt among the fallen leaves, and the roots which they turn up with their snouts out of the earth. Their very features will most probably by degrees acquire a hoggish type, so that their eyes at last will come to be set obliquely in their heads, the British cast of countenance resembling the Chinese; all along of the want of poets and the extirpation of poetry from tle British soul, occasioned by the total enclosure of waste lands. “ Don’t tell me that the more numerous population the soil can be made to support, the better. Quantity may be obtained at the expen of quality. I am a lover of my species, but had rather not be confined with a large number of them in a small place. A crowd makes the atmosphere sultry. That of England is getting 80 and if I had to live much longer, it would soon get too hot to hold me. Already it 3 growing difficult to find fresh air, and the trout-streams are fast be coming open sewers. The wild animals are wi 4 all extinct ; ther are no vermin but rats, mice, and pettifoggers. Oh, ye! T am belin my age, | know—averse to progress. Tobe sure. I am, Mr. Punch averse to progress which is simply degeneration; but I also am you regular subscriber, * Toadsdale, March, 1862.” SMELFUNGUS.” A Generous Idea. * A’y told a Mr. Peanopy,” remarked a Swell, “has appwopwiald a hundwed-and-fifty thousand pounds towawds ameliowating the co dition of the London paw. A hundwed-and-fifty thousand pounds! Half that sum would make my wife and children happy, if a wa’ mi wied, and—a—twice as match would make me tolewably comfatable.

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Aprit 5, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. W/Az CONSOLING FOR CONSOLS. Young Hardman. ‘*Gorxa to Dinctey Cross Roaps?” Consols. ‘* Yrs!” Y. H. “An, Tuen, I suppose You’ve sent your Horsz on!” [Consoxs never rides upon less than 250 guineas, and thinks himself as near perfection as possible. SPITALFIELDS AND HYDE PARK. A Lirrtz Weaver, unemployed, Chanced in Hyde Park to stray, And there, as best he might, enjoyed Unwilling holiday. The great folks being now in Town, He strolled, and viewed their show, Around the Ring, and up and down The walk by Rotten Row. What high-bred cavaliers were there, Straight-backed, and clean of limb ; What horsewomen, superbly fair, Displayed their airs to him! What equipages Beauty bore And Consequence, reclined, Whom portly coachmen sat before ; Smart footmen stood behind ! The little man, admiring, read The faces of the Great, Who peers him with erected head, And countenance elate, High fed, from sordid want secure, rom cares and troubles mean, How brave their bearing, to be sure, Their aspect how serene ! A heart our little weaver had In others’ joy that shared. Himself though hungry, he was glad To think how well they fared. It raised him in his self-respect To see how riches can, With nurture in a sphere select, Exalt his fellow-man. Tf, entering on this earthly scene, Endowed with Fortune’s boon, His infant lips he had between But held a silver spoon, He thought he also might have shone Amongst the grand and gay, Then being out of work alone, Not likewise out of pay. MORE AMERICAN SLANG. Her Magesty’s subjects are hereby cautioned against the use of certain American corruptions of the QuzEN’s English, besides those which we have already warned them to avoid, newly imported into this realm. The words of which we now deprecate the employment, have appeared in divers Yankee newspapers, and in sundry accounts, by officers in the Federal army, of their own exploits, written in a style which closely resembles that wherein clever thieves are accustomed to relate their adventures. One of these vile expressions is the spurious noun-substantive “ Secesh,” or “ Secesher,” meaning a person who has seceded from the American Union, and who, in correct and established English, would be called a Seceder. The other is the genuine adverb “quite,” ridiculously used as an adjective; as “quite a number,” meaning a large number. It is hoped that this notice will render all loyal Englishmen careful to eschew these two abominable Americanisms. Tue Exp we Att Destre.—The End of a Speech.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ee, [Aram 5, 1862, THE TAEPINGS AND THE RED TAPEINGS. Notu thon dm Kea if oh ( ? ¥ , ) a . ye fae Set =) the British Governmen thought proper to _pre- yent oe. ings, it appears, are a horde bers, rer, the pretenet patriotis Sox did great happily been checked. It is a t iceman in her Punch, ever ready to protect her from thieves like the hands behind her with the red tape of Routine, and did honour and her strength. HE gravest attention has been recently attracted to the Taepi who having sacked , Basen woul E pre and done the ditto to thei ; bi would have done ote somata | af Sopbtings ton that Ei : has a their worst to rob her o FRENCH POT AND ENGLISH KETTLE, Amone the protectionists in the French Legis. lative body, one of the leading orators is a M Povyrr-Quertier. Here is a remarkable ; extracted from a speech which this pt made the other day :— the advantages accorded to tade her a more faithful and reliable ? The to that question might be found in what wa in th tish which was voting no doubt have land by the | hai, had a hese Taep- of ruthless rob- cial bur. could be no hope of economy while England Ray armaments. On the contrary, m tn, An ith change above quoted mi .| opponent of the they | of Commons. thems over and over , the words | red by an in the Parliamentary | be rash to bet five| shi to found in Hansard, | i | eines ot the Fresc ist, OF & .. + the Frenc coasts s nded by ish -boats and | plated lgates, and of ce laden with in. | creased financial butdens in order to ~~ pace | with English armaments, is ce y droll. It} did not apparently occur to M. PovreRr-Quzz- | TIER to tok, if it T y on id to consider, who first began | this game of beggar my nei they not champion pelngs, wha tied her neighbour ? _ Perhaps, | however, his above-quoted observations were | meant to suggest a question of which the pro posal would have been inadmissible. THE END OF NAVAL WAR. (To the Peace Society.) GENTLEMEN, THe action Merrimac v. Monitor, tried between the Confede- rates and Federals, conclusively proves that one iron-clad ship is a | match for several wooden ships carrying more and heavier , and that two iron-clad ships may pound one another about for hours without material result. Iron transports big enough and numerous enough to land an invading force of any magnitude on these shores w be mconveniently expen- sive necessaries for the acquisition of glory or plunder by the conquest of England. Wooden t rts are pervious to missiles di from Armstrong guns, and the effect that would be produced by one of those missiles, partic a hundred pound bomb, in a transport ull of enemies coming to rob and murder us, is something delightful to contemplate. We may rejoice in the havoc which one Warrior would create amongst a whole fleet of timber vessels crowded i - pene. , ‘aah nck oh ti _ Still more pleasant is the pros; progress which is now likely to take place in Naval warfare. If there are no ships of war but iron ships, and iron ships are mutually shot. proof, how are they to fight ? Hostilities might perhaps still be carried on by means of s charged with eo: ny | silver, r ess of expense. Such shells, if big enough, would no doubt knock a hole in the iron sides of any vessel ; but as fulminating silver goes off with much less friction than what will kindle a lucifer match, there would be rather too much diffi- culty in a shell with it It remains seen, if the science of reciprocal pete hould be thus ag Da plan the human brotherh i then lavest or sm : or . poh mge hen = Pabge 3 ightni , t t smite through ribs of steel, the result of their collisi ving site to that of the ¢o: between the Kil- kenny Cats. Congrat you most sincerely on the prospect of this happy result, I am, gentlemen, Your Fellow Labourer, PUNCH. | “MAY AND DECEMBER.” Sir C. Cresswell, Sm Punce Punou seldoms interferes with the Court of his friend Sin CRESSWELL CRESSWELL, -—e that Sr C. C. is perfectly com- petent to manage that tribunal without Sm P. P.’s aid; and having also a natural indisposition to advert to topies of an unedifying de- seription. To the facts of a case which has just occurred before his friend, Srr P. P. intends to make no reference at all; but as the parties move in the same exalted circles with himself, it would not be selon le régles to ignore the matter altogether. Without proffering to the ARQUIs OF DECEMBER any undue condolence on the undesirable result of his union with Miss May, now relegated to her own sphere in society, Sm Puncn Punen affectionately asks the Marquis why o earth, when he wanted to , he descended #o earth, and wedded child of the people? Sm P. P. h that he is not compelled to interpret this into a distrust of worldly wisdom of Lorp Dz CEMBER’s own Order. Could the Marquis have imagined that be could not find in the Peerage the mame of some lady, youn, lovely, and pleasing as plebeian Miss May, and equally ready to be- come the MarcHionEss oF DecemBeR? Oould he think that because he was seventy-six, there was no aristocratic beauty of twenty, who would have devoted Aer spring of life to him happy. Sin P P. hopes—hopes that Lorp Dacemper was d in this matter) by caprice only, and did not wed plebeian twenty from any ides) that patrician twenty would remember his seventy-six, and forget his coronet. We affectionately conjure him to show that such a sus picion is unfounded, and to let it be known that he desires to marry | again. Let him give his Order a turn this time, and Sim Punci) Punc# can assure him that he may at once order the e blossoms, | and that at least a dozen Dowagers are y to advise —were advice needed—their lovely young charges to recollect that a Marchio- ness’s coronet is not a thing fo be lightly rejected, even if it be proffered by a shaky hand. Come, my Lord, let us soon read that “A marriag?| is on the ¢apis between the accomplished Marquis or Decemsen ali| the young and lovely daughter of the HonovkaBiz Mrs. ExceE1si03| CraMBeR.” Do justice to the Dowagers. Smznt Spreit-RapPPiné.—Mnr, Forster the * Medium ” has not yet, we believe, gratified any of his clients with spirit-music, but he gives them an equivalent in the spirit-writing on his arm, which they may, i they please, take for the“ 8 Tattoo.”

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Page 152

HARIVARI.—Aprit 5, 1862.

Lf i“), | ve - Za 4 Z Wp Zs a SG LE wg lle, > Uy, Af ae ; Vz Pit A YS A, 4, am 7A Wi; UF, S, F7 Wl | UY ZZ ‘et y es vy A the es Zi ae D 7 «? LL oa Ce —— £ — = > &N —~ AY = XN = ZQN\ <os (A : a | : : = ~*~ « ‘ = Yee UNE ES PB KAU SN A BIT OF HOUSEHOLD STUFF. 2xp Lire Guarpsmay, “LOR, JEMIMER, WHY, WE’RE OUR OWN MASTERS, AND NEVER SHOW NO RESPECT |

Jemmmer. “ THEN I SUPPOSE YOU’VE SEEN A DEAL OF BATTLES THAT MAKES YOU SO PROUD!”

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Yorrie vw we -- (Ut ee

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Apnit 5, 1862.

Oh,

OBERON AND TITANIA. Oxszron (Mr. Presipent Lincotn). “I DO BUT BEG A LITTLE NIGGER BOY, TO BE MY HENCHMAN.” Trranta (Miss Virernia). “ SET YOUR HEART AT REST, THE NORTHERN LAND BUYS NOT THE CHILD OF ME.” Wt L WAA4- Ain FW Mayr A

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Page 155

Arnit 5, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARIVARI. TALL DOIN’S. oem That e’er be gk ir dot make te igre JA On the scale To which mean Old Yankee In the Old id Geer wam ¥ankee Doodle, &e. “Th ough not yet clear which stump I’1l tak: That stump shal be coloseal, FRG, ether I’m Sla’ 's advocate, Liberty’ e. If I conclude to free the Blacks ete mocked on ! ft i ree *. bi *T'll hev a debt Fi an pte to the Atlantic Doodle, &o, gr res aad staaharte, * : ere ate a pockets, ut in 8 No draughts or pill cure human Without the t ducks ie with money THE DOOR OF FREEMASONRY BATTERED IN BY A LADY’S FAN. that should put determined upon ther rare now to be sister This is we right and Tue Italian Freemasons ha’ ith t land meee, 5 ag ren seems, Bo. fo. “Ths i lodges, w never conduct themselves so | sl oar. Brothers i fe Besides, is it not the a ae at oe woman yen bey 3 an Sn What ! Freemaso ory wv be preset Lin gh to to the — > the adlantel do not drink too stories, founded on strong femalé d undoubtedly taken several 5 of greatest “ifficulty, on ret with the latchkey. They co could do their own door. too, will have to look to their ornaments, handsome ve ob t ae to rub them up with reater pride | than ever, en for t there a fer understand | about more than any ot cs poring wee roi sede the then ba wil faros will turn firmaments of gli walking je af af co Re ccasions. N | up diamon weller’s tray. | fact, i at limit, to this sat : possi i or his trow mel Sacro het musical ing othe tot «Wom td eautitying Shia? art, of * Am the sdjilian Freemasons epg fac ee the mo more ree For more reasons gk are the lovely Jovely Signoras having peated a ane with his hammer, or hi be ever ai my he when the Teg requirements of of a tleman’ In case, howéver, the New Bransvic Behibition will selfish seclusion. First of all, because the etample may be imitated i England. The time has gre by when gentlemen should con meet in sécret, like a lot of ti monks, of sour-minded cons Another reason is at 5 now prota ly we ‘shall awful secret that has been 0 jealously turies. At all events, the admission ceremonies of Freemasonry will put boldly to the =r as to pony! Woman can ion is only removed from the fed cas Misa move, tye hee tao us mag > ged sense—that not is to say, auawet to it ot al. ear, by “HAIL STAR OF NEW BRUNSWICK!” Ee is anid thas the Colasine arb shes like to know what defence one of ogee, Sees, Boo Diam wick, will make to the following charge in the * Ami the articles sent to the See ak oss caine 5 which the CE OF WALEs slept during his visit.” Tile SS Bee Se eee SS Care. One is to deny that the ym gg ts of New Brunswick - be on mn miserable flunkeyism. The other ist urge tet th be ee Sa, Sar 0 Iale wee: hem Ene it knew what 4 hewvenes. idenee of urther consignment i ble Mn. Sypxay es be furnished with ve ad po oeheniteg mcm prty e isher, from the ’s bed-room. tom thé Prinot’s , Bie ea us and Turkiab. lo of Sood-wates, end, pessoas (acto Sethe Patna: int blank of such “ie thet as and the ing

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ns PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Apri 5, 1862, A MATTER OF ABSORBING INTEREST. mip his many graver duties while Parlia- ment is sitting, it 1s} but seldom Mr. Punch | can_spare a half-hour | for indulgence in such | light and _ pleasant reading as the articles | contributed to scien- | tific magazines. The other day, however, Mr,+ Punch dit just find time to skim a pageor two describing a novel apparatus, the use whereof is briefly summed up in these words :— “The Absorbometer is intended to determine the volumes of liquid absorbed during succes- sive intervals of time, and to find the rate at which liquids are trans- mitted through the pores of different absorbents.” Having naturally the cause of science much at heart, and taking a deep interest in all scientific instru- ments, Mr. Punch has recently been making someexperiments with the view of testing practically the powers of the Absorbometer, and ascertaining how far it js likely to prove useful to the scientific world. Among many highly interesting facts he has elicited, Mr. Punch may mention, that he gave the other day a little dinner down at Greenwich, and the amount of liquid which was found to be absorbed was discovered to be nearly three bottles- | ful per man. ‘The rate at which the liquids were absorbed in this experiment was found to | vary very much with the various absorbents, as well as with the liquids that were variously tried. For instance, port-wine was absorbed much more slowly than champagne; and to show at what pace liquids are “transmitted through the pores,” it may briefly here be stated that, while one of the absorbents took his claret in small sips, another of them actually transmitted down his throat a dozen glassesful in twelve pours. | While treating of absorption, Mr. Punch would fain suggest to his scientific friends that | they would do the social state considerable service, were they to succeed in perfecting an | instrument by which absorbents might beforehand determine their capacity, on occasions such as wedding breakfasts and the like, when their powers of absorption will be called into full play. Far too frequently it happens, that for want of some such knowledge, absorbents | take more liquor than they well can carry, and their proper equilibrium thereby is disturbed. | At present it is only by experience that such knowledge is arrived at, and this experience is | usually expensive to obtam. Were absorbents, by some clever scientific apparatus, to be made aware precisely how much liquid they could take without being upset by it, what a number of bad headaches would the social world be saved, and how many a good bottle | would happily remain to be absorbed another day, when more appreciation might be given to its merits, and its absorption could no longer be deemed a waste of wine. RAILWAY RAILLERY. How prone are people to defame! What a mistake it is to call our Railway Companies grasping and ungenerous! Here have some of our contemporaries been censuring the con- uct of those who have the management of lines North of the Thames, so different to those of the South, in resolving not to run excursion-trains in May, whereby people might be tempted to come and pay an early visit to the World’s Exhibition. This, say the writers, clearly shows how the Railways strive to fleece the unprotected public, and how powerless are the latter to prevent such base extortion. It is very fine to sing that “ Britons never will be Slaves,” but the truth is that we all of us are kept under the thumb of a monstrous Railway tyranny, which having the monopoly of popular conveyance now does just exactly what it chooses with its slaves, the British people. Everybody knows that everybody out of it will have to come to London to see the Exhibition, and unless they “come early,” as the showman used to say, the chances are there hardly will be room to hold them; and so these greedy grasping Railways mean to keep up their full fares, because they know full well that the public must submit to them. This is what has been alleged by a few unthinking people; but we need hardly contradict a statement so preposterous. Of course, to any one who thinks at all about the matter, it of course will do their utmost to make it a sue. cess, and will carefully avoid whatever may seem hurtful to it. Now as nothing can advantage it so much as cheap Excursion trains, so nought can do it injury so surely as withholding them; and the railway men would simply be cutting | their own throats were they to refuse cheap journeys to the public. This the Railway Boards are not so wooden as to do; and we therefore view their so-called “resolution” as a_ joke, | which, as it came out first in March, was pub- lished rather prematurely, since by rights it should have reached us on the First of April. CLOSE, THE POET, ANTIANTHROPOPHAGUS. AnD so you deemed that I was dead, My haughty masters all ; Nor thought my fame should still be spread O’er this terrestrial ball. Indeed, my Proud, but no such luck, I mean such luck for you : Again the Poet’s harp is struck, And you shall hear it too. I sing not now of base ARGYLL, Or baser GEorGy GREY, Who kept. my books with fraud and guile, And yet would never pay. Dishonest rogues I hold they are, Unworthy of my Muse, To take.a Poet’s precious ware, And payment to refuse. But to a nobler theme I turn, And meditate to sing The lofty thoughts with which I burn, Concerning of a Kine. The Krxc or Bonny is my Sire, His Laureate I was made, But now I feel I must retire From that respected trade. For if the papers don’t with jokes Seek readers to enmesh, He has been killing several folks, And eating of their flesh. This is not conduct for a Chief, Who should behave as such, When veal and mutton, pork and beef, Are all within his clutch. And though I was a butcher bold, I never was the pal Of one who fellow creatures sold ; In fact, a Cannibal. So Kryeé or Bonny, in your den, *Tis fit that you should know it, While you go on a eating men I cannot be your poet. But if hereafter you repent And put away that meal, Whzy then I likewise will relent And list to your appeal. Meantime, although a cannibal, I think you are not worse Than those vile tyrants of Pall Mail Who robbed the Poet's Purse. A Quibble. Mx. Cox, M.P., is to his honour as much de lighted as anybody else at the liberality of M3 Peazopy, but wants to know whether a gift fot! the “amelioration” of the condition of the po! is quite obvious that the Railways have no such end in view. They will so largely benefit by the Exhibition, and by the increase of trade which it most probably will cause, that they means a meal or ration. The distinction savous) of attorney subtlety.

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uile, Aprit 5, 1862.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. \\\)) \ \ Ta. ) i} \ \ \ \ \ \ ) ro EN iN WI ey ING SONNY \ KS When !3—Where?” &c., &c., Se. Host. ‘‘ Stop, don't be in a hurry—it’s a ‘ Turner’ Rifle!” | \ Pe Nall qi | Wy \ . ff \ y | Host (Officer 88th Middlesex—Artists’), “ I see here the West Middlesex have offered a ‘ Turner’ to be shot for, open to all Comers.” Guests (38ths, too). “ Oh/ Nonsense /-—-How big ?—Whose was it?—Oil or Water Colour?—Print, I suppose.—What’s the subject 3— [Excitement subsides. FRENCH AND ENGLISH GENERALSHIP. Wuenx, conducting any military operation, an English and French general act in concert, the latter generally gets the credit of having ay first fiddle, and his division of the band is generally reputed to ave taken the lead of the other. Whether fact in this respect is always in strict accordance with fame, may be doubted by some of our countrymen, of course from prejudice, but prejudice excusable when founded on a statement cna as the following, made by the corre- spondent of the Morning Post at Paris, relative to GENERAL Sir Hore Grant, who has lately passed through that city on his way to India, and GENERAL (now Count) MontavBan, who co-operated with him in the Chinese expedition :-— “Tt appears that Generat Sir Hore Grant proposed, with the orces under his | command, to attack the strong forts with his Armstrong guns, and then storm them. The French general strongly objected, and even in the presence of the staff | wrote a protest against GeNERAL Six Hope Grant's plans of operation. The English | commander simply put the protest in his pocket, carried out his plans, and fully | accomplished he intended. GeNnERAL Montavsan, after the success of the | attack, wished to have his protest returned, but Sm Hore Grant refused to do so. The English General complained of no mention having been made in the official | despatches of the fact of the British Sikh cavalry having saved the French army | when surrounded by hordes of Chinese, which force, accompanied by a couple of troops of'English cavalry, cut through the mass of Chinese, and delivered their French brothers in arms.” If the above account could be trusted, we should be obliged to | believe that it is not always our troops that are saved from being cut to pieces by our gallant allies, but sometimes vice versé. We might | also be inclined to lend an ear to the whisper which has asserted that bastopol would have fallen long before it did if Lorp Racuan’s counsels had prevailed. GENERAL Montavnex, doubtless, distinguished himself at the | Summer Palace; witness the glittering trophies which he bore away | from the sack of that stronghold, and which he gave away so gene- | rously that it might have been said that fortune, in throwing diamonds | m his way, made a mistake equivalént to that of casting — before | Swine. Notso. On the contrary, if the General, having been made a| Count, shall, after all, obtain his dotation, there will be good reason for the observation that GENERAL Count Montausan has really driven his pigs to a very pretty market. FRENCH FOREIGN WINE. SPEAKING in the French Legislative Chamber on the condition of the manufacturers of France, M. Barocue, as reported in the Moniteur, after stating that, in 1861, there was a very large quantity of foreign wine imported into France, observed :— “These foreign imports are demanded in France for a reason I would rather not say, and I hope you will excuse my silence. (Adhesion.)” Why this reticence on the part of M. BarocueE; reticence of which the prudence appears to have been acknowledged by the “adhesion” of his audience? Was its cause the modesty of the Imperial Minister ? Is it true that France, inspired with a generous idea, sends us all her own wine, the best in the world, and contents herself with a cheaper, if not an inferior beverage, imported from other wine-growing countries ? Certain Hungarian wines are advertised here in London at from 18s. to 21s. or 22s. a-dozen, and some of these wines are said by competent judges to be indistinguishable from choice Burgundy. Perhaps they are good enough for our frugal neighbours. Perhaps they form a con- siderable proportion of the large quantity of foreign wine imported into France. Of course they constitute no part of the wine exported from France to England as French produce. If they did, they would indeed be demanded in France for a reason which we can quite under- stand M. Barocne had rather not state. The Chambers, too, would naturally applaud him for drawing the veil over an operation which in our cer: and their pronunciation, they would call von leetle beet of ombog. It would be worth while, however, to ascertain the quality of the foreign imports of wine which are demanded in France. If we are to have any of our Claret and Burgundy from Hungary, we may as well get it from Hungary direct, at Hungarian prices,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

ALLIES OF THE IRISH BRIGADE. HE attention of imagining themselves to be Conservatives, is earnestly invited to the annexed ex- tract from the Tablet news- paper, the organ, most of those gentlemen may n be informed, of political ultramontane Popery — We Winker for For soiie time past a to ques backed by the Eart or DERBY. turning Members who will nee Lorp Pat. MERSTON’s Government in the Commons. It is well that Conservative electors should be aware of this, because many of them may imagine that, in yoting for 4 Derbyite, they are contributing to the support of the Altar and the Throne. So they are ; But the altar is not the British Com. munion-table, por is the throne that of Her Ma. esty Quesw Victoria. The altar which the elp to maintain is the altar of the Romis meeting-house, and the throne is the seat of the Porz. Perhaps they we rather not assist in conserving these ins aay if they knew it, and accordingly will in fi think yoting for a candid the Tablet to eongrat ntlemen ulate our readers of the Whig ORRITT is now North Riding.” whose return will cause very ne ily its readers.

fivilar party in politics “ = f Pp in politics tg: Aga in, justice and order, fis been What it is that those politicians who liarly Conservatives wish +6 son- serve serve constitutional mon- | ¢ archy Alby Sw tha and all the Fest of : our venerable it utions. above question may be inferr congratulation w: api ra ht ee de s: ' ; ORE i Ris and } 3 faction, in t event as the return of Mas arliament as an auxiliary to the Irish What, of the Po has now to sonserye, is the temporal poy f an brigandage | a at Rome in the interest of the Ex-Kine oF ee. instituti i ‘tp the fas 3 institutions which are almost nightly advocated in n the party of A Question of Account. Tyo puties sputing about the merits affect the name ot eae Dua autaini h Mi Of phon e was © Was destitute of thi ; did Further, “Waa complaining that, esident, he was not accountable to any one. P Because the stp- as rters of the present oe aaa He, sir,”’ said the Government Deputy, | vernment are as anxious | * vist contradict, you on both points, for | as anybody can be to eati- ine no denying that Ds Morsr is unques. | a anid in every sense a man of a(c)-Count-

A JOKE BY A ScoTcHMAN! friend of otirs, whose sympathies thernets, on hearing how the ought and crushed the Congress land, ex ed: “ Eh, Sirs! after Morgirt fore, a Conservative,

or NokMANBY;

A HIT AT EXETER HALL. Tue Concerts given by the Sacred Harmonic Society are without exception very praiseworthy performances, and Mr. Punch feels always pleasure in lending them his ears. To hear good music well performed 1s as refining to the mind as it is pleasant to the sense; and two hours once a fortnight cannot well be better spent than in hearing the Hijad, Israel, or Stabat Mater, Were Mr. Punch inclined to critic which he happily is not, he might pues complain that the band at Exeter | Hall is apt to overwhelm the chorus, and that the organ would sound | better if it were less loudly voiced. It appears to Mr. Punch that what is written for “ ay ” should not be yee a into such promi- nence as to give one the idea that the singers are intended to be kept in the saak- ground and the less that they are heard by the audience the better. In a chorus the voice-parts should surely be most audible ; and the Exeter Hall Concerts would be certainly improved, were the choristers more numerous, and the orchestra reduced. ay defects, however, there is plenty of inducement for a father of a family to improve daughters’ minds at this Harmonic Hall, where Men- DELSSOHN an YDN may be listened to with profit, and where Hanpet is so often turned to good account. But the more tempting are the Concerts which are held at Exeter Hall, the more troublesome will it be found for f to get away from them. If Mr. Pater be a gentleman, and not so selfish as to eause annoyance to his neighbours by stumping out while the music is proceeding, the chances are that he will waste some five and toeey recious minutes in squeezing through the narrow labyrinths by whic e has to make his exit, First a push along a then a crush round a sharp corner with six elbows in his ribs, then a header down a staircase, which seems about as steep as the outside of the Monument, and where he feels he would fall headlong if he were not so wedged in, then a blockade in a corridor where he can hardly breathe, and, to com- ag his torture, a mayvais guart @heure spent in standing near a ughty doorway, and in te ing to his footman, if he have one, or to some aa westing £0 nal a passing cab, Thanks to its Saves t, a man who goes e J can scarce more easily ge we of it than could Srgayz’s eoiing % +” of op, any crowd ts are invari Thal waaht be cous ury, his verdict would nd it were the by it. In such event, were Mr. Punc be, manslaughter agamst the men who

from its " an t Baored he Loudon agin ad lanes ; own the building, and who by spending a few pounds might soon make proper vents to it, If it should happen, by some accident, that at one of the May Meetings a Bishop should be crushed, doubtless steps would then be taken to throw open extra staircases, and to facilitate the public in their egress from the place. As the Sacred Harmonic is of all Societies the one that most uses the | Hall, and best pays those who have the letting of it, a word from this | Society would surely have great weight with the holders of the building, | who are in reality the persons to be blamed. Mr. Punch would there- fore call upon this able lunged Society to raise its voice against the | way in which its patrons are accommodated; and to avert that whole- | sale slaughter of the music-loving world which a cry of Fire! might any night occasion at its Concerts, and which Mr. Punch himself feels somewhat anxious to escape. Meanwhile, although he loves good musi¢e much, he loves his Judy more; and Mr. Punch will certainly not risk her precious life more often than she really obliges him to do, by taking her to Concerts which he can’t get her away from without the chance of fractured Crinoline, if not of broken bones. HOMAGE TO GENIUS. Tue London Review has a capital article on the “ Periodical Press in Italy,” from which, with the generous view of rewarding talent, we | make the following extract :— ** We have frequent sallies of good Geguine humour in some of especially the Fischietto and Pasquino, both of Turin, two papers \ the Charivari, the Kladderadatsch, and other periodicals in the same and often attain the excellence of Mr. Punch, in the happiest 1 veritable genius.”

There, you might read the Saturday Review every day of never find in its columns, and they are not always desti anything so wisely discriminating, so respectfully appr< fearlessly just as the above. “‘ Veritable Genius!’ ( truth has had such an effect upon us, that nothing less t}« at “The Clarendon” will satisfy us. To.day we will hav: everything. Would that we could secure the society of dite e Review, so that we might, also, enjoy the bog! ot company, “ Veritable Genius” as we are, we will guaraniee be | every intellectual and prandial respect worthy to join us in “ téte-d-téte dinner.

' ) These are | the objects which Conservatives promote in re. | twice before | [Aprit 5, 1862, |

OW they wadjmak’ merry on board |

8

Ky! A \\y

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erits ition itute that, one. uty, . for jues- yunt- thies the gress after oard me ol” Se Aprit 12, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 143 WN » " tH | “ TOUCHING.” BoorMaKER (affected to tears). “ Then you haven't heard o’ the demise of ’is S’rene ’Ighness (sob) y’uve (sniff) made a Count Pummelwitz, Sir ;—very old cust'mer of ours, Sir—and when Nobleman’s Boots so many years, you feel re'lly like one of the Fam’ly /” LINES ON THE LUNACY BILL. LEaRNED writers mind disease on Say that all mankind are mad. If most men were ruled by reason, How were soldiers to be had ? How would sailors be persuaded, Then, to join a gallant crew Destined to be cannonaded, Shelled, and smashed, and cut in two ? Who, if he could earn a navvie’s Pay, would go where glory calls, And submit himself to have his Legs knocked off by cannon-balls ? Glory? Worth how mere a button _To the greatest Captain, shot ! Nought to him that, dead as mutton, Is, when gone, as soon forgot. Worldliness, in every quarter, And the love of self, abound But for madness, scarce a martyr To his country would be found. What self-sacrilice, without it, Should we thinking few obtain ? Fortunate for us, no doubt, it Is that others are insane. Advice Freely Given on all Occasions. | Tae Comre pE Morxy bullies, scolds and | lectures the Legislative Body in fine style. His ~ | real distinctive title should be “ Le Morny-teur de la France.’ This would happily corroborate what M. Jutes-Favre said about there being but one journalist in France, and that was the Emperor. Well, let us complete the sentence by saying, “There is but one Journalist in | France, and Ze Morny-teur is his Organ.” PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Marcu 31st. Monday. Mx. Suitu that was, Lorp Lyvepen that is, Mr. Punch dislikes small suspicions and unworthy suggestions. If a person deserves to be trusted, trust him; if he does not, cut the con- nection. It seems that by reason of an informality the legislative acts of South Australia are of doubtful validity, and the Duke or New- CASTLE introduces a Bill to remove the doubt. Smrra that was, Lyvepen that is, hinted that the error might be a studied design on the part of the colonists to frustrate the purpose of the Home Legis- lature. The Duke at once smashed him by stating that the error was one made not by the colonists but by the Governor, and that it was | P detected and pointed out by acolonial lawyer. We imagine that Sarr that was, LyVEDEN that is, must be sorry he spoke. Lorp PatMERSTON refused to give any papers about the persecution of Protestants in Spain, because there were no such papers. Our repre- sentative at Madrid was simply charged to lose no opportunity of hinting in a civil manner that the Spaniards ought to be ashamed of themselves. We have no idea what may be Pam’s estimate of the number of social epigrams likely to be required before the unfortunate Protestants can be reparteed out of prison, but if he really thinks that such weapons will do, he is at liberty to put the Ambassador into com- munication with one of our young men, who will turn on wit until the pe * aa fly open. But more men have been joked into gaol than of it. Then came on an interesting and important discussion. Srr FREDE- RICK SarrH called attention to the fight between the Merrimac and the Monitor, American vessels, and demanded to know whether our Govern- ment were learning a lesson upon the subject of invulnerable ships. Sir G. C. Lewis made a reply. It is not often that Mr. Punch has the Pleasure of agreeing with Brieut upon Military and Naval questions, but that Ae emp observations upon the fight and the speech of the War ter were most proper. He said that the man ~ be particularly stupid who did not see the importance of the inci- ent in the war, and that the speech of Str G. C. Lewis was most un- satisfactory. Sir Gore thought that on the strength of a few days’ €xperience the Government ought not to rush into costly experiments. ut less a few days has sufficed to arrive at the certain knowledge that (in smooth water) an iron clad ship can demolish a whole fleet of Wooden ships as easily as Mr. Pusch demolishes any enemies that ma py enough to come in the way of his waked wrath. An inc is as good as a mile for a home-thrust, as ‘the Axtiguary observes. If Sir Gzorce Lewis is going to play the Old Fogy, and resist all im- pecs, the sooner he retires to some sequestered spot, and studies his Greek authors without interruption by public affairs the better. Meantime we beg to remind the learned man, that neither the Pyrrhic phalanx nor Greek fire was invented by parties who declined to advance with the military spirit of the time. Will that consideration move him —or must we move him? Afterwards, on Estimates, Mr. CowPer recorded the solemn promise that though the Trafalgar Square Fountains are now eye-sores, they shall, in May, be something “of which every Englishman will be roud.” This splendid undertaking quite took away the breath of the Committee. What in earth, or in water, is CowPER Fain to do to the squirts? We are afraid to guess, and must wait till May for leave to be proud. ‘The Copyright in Works of Art Bill passed the same even- ing, so nobody will be able to pirate CowPer’s ideas of the Beautiful, be they what they may. Tuesday, Some Tipperary jurors want to know the character of the water of the Shannon, Like Irishmen, they ask Lorp CLANRICARDE to ask the Lords to ask the question. Why don’t they take a header, and find out for themselves ? ‘me A debate on the Civil Service Examinations brought up the usual nonsense about questions being asked which nobody could answer off hand. Lorp Sranuey ridiculed the objections with considerable success. We should not care to spend a week with the gentlemen who brought forward some of the examination questions as problems too deep for human solution. We should have incontinently discharged our office-boy if he had not, on our ringing the bell and reading the list to him, expressed the most profound contempt for, blended with a desire to punch the head of, any Muff, as he succinctly put it, who could not analyse the character of Hamleé and state who wrote the Polyolbion. ver since Drury Lane Theatre was burned, the Suzrmpans have been so fidgety about fire that they will mo | sit down in the room with a person who happens to have a Rufus head. To-night one of them made an attack upon the duty on Fire Insurance, and though Lorp Pat- MERSTON pleaded that some taxes must be paid, and Mr. GLapsToNE angrily begged that the Budget might be waited for, Mz. SHerman pressed his point, and beat the Ministers by 127 to 116. ; Mr. E. P. Bouverte was never considered the wisest man in the world, and a much smarter person than himself called him in the VOL, XLII, Q

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| the statement that the probable revenue for next year would be | £70,190,000, i U - began, as he said, to Buzz. As the Book of Nonsense has it :— | shilling to threepence, because the present duty is evaded. | pay them, and the Brewer shall. i | | | | We regret to say that he quoted Latin twice only, and that his | tions were so easy that Mr. Cox himself must have underst 144 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ns [Aprit 12, 1862, House of Commons, a Prig. But we thought that the honourable party had some brains, after all. What will be said when we relate that this Bouverte actually asked the House to provide a compendious record of Parliamentary proceedings—a sort of Handy Book to the debates!!! The House was too much phlabberghasted to meet the proposition in the way it deserved, and indeed was actually stunned into allowing Bouverte to have a select Committee on the subject —so much for sudden audacity. ‘The next morning Pam sent a special messenger with an apology to Mr. Puach, but we declined to receive either “him or that.” Bouverze will next be moving that there ought to be a luminary in the heavens to give light to the earth and the other planets. Will the Secretary to the Asylum for Idiots inform us whether there is a vacancy at Earlswood ? Wednesday. An uninteresting sitting, noticeable only because the Trustees of Str Joun Soane’s Museum thought it necessary to express, through Mr. Trre, the eminent architect, their reluctance to assent to the Bill enabling them to exhibit their Hogarths, which nevertheless they wish to send to the International. We have almost forgotten what else they have got in that queer house of theirs, but must over- haul the place. If there is coal anything worth having, they had better send it in to the British Museum, as there be room for it now that the beasts are to walk. Thursday. His Grace of Somerset made a more satisfactory speech than that of Str Gzorez Lewis upon the [ron een Eg ogee He stated that we had four iron war-vessels which would be ready in August, that six more were being prepared, various improvements being adopted in them, the Cupola included,—that Government ‘were fully aware of the importance of the subject, and that we need not be | alarmed, for that we had many vessels that could be converted into | iron-plate ships at very short notice. This statement, though by no | means all that could be desired, was far more to the than the speech of the War Secretary, and so the Earn oF apprised the Duke. o an inquiry, what had become of the Monument to the DuxE-oF Wattrxeron, Mr. Cowrer replied that in 1858 a gentleman was desired to make a model for one, and it was supposed that he is educating himself for the purpose. People are unreasonable, do they | expect to hear anything of the Wellington Monument yet awhile ? Why, | Lorp Nexson was killed in 1805, and Ais Monument is not yet finished, nor likely to be. Then came the %udget for 1862. Its features are mild, not to say inexpressive, and when Mr. Gapstone, after talking pleasantly through three columns, came to URY inst an expenditure of £70,040,000, the Commons “ There was a great person called G., He was bored by the rude H. of C., When folks said, “‘ Does it buzz?” He replied, “‘ Yes, it does, And its meaning's a riddle to me.” However, he explained several things to the buzzers— First. There are to be no new Taxes at present. Secondly. Our financial condition is healthy. Thirdly. French commerce is approaching what Nature and that greatest of peace ministers, Mr. Pitt, intended it should be. rae we We must alter the wine duties a little, making two classes instead four. (N.B. No fear lest the purchaser should benefit by this. P. Filly. There can be no remission of taxes now. Stxth Yet the duty on playing cards must be reduced from one Seventhly. We can lay on a Scottish probate duty. Kighthly. We can lay on an eighth per cent. on public loans. Ninthly. We can grant little licences to sell drink at Fairs. Tenthly. We must uphold the Spirit duties. Eleventhly. We will transfer the Hop duties—the Grower shall not Twelfthly. Everybody who brews (unless his rent is under £20) must take out a Licence, price twelve and sixpence. __ Aix: _Thirteenthly, Our National expenditure is not increasing, but dimi- nishing. : ‘ . Fourteenthly. But if you want reduction in taxation, you must Heonomise. |of a marvellous cartoon representing Jac Mr. Giapstone took three hours to expound these things unto the | Buzzers, and had small opportunity for making an_ elegant speech. | uota- | m4 Aut Ceasar, if not the other, Cantabit vacuus, But the speech was very well received, the CuaNCELLOR was complimented, and the Wine resolution was passed. : : os a Altogether, talking of a Cat is out of the question. This is the very tiniest kitten that we ever saw emitted from a bag by a Chancellor of the Exchequer. In fact, the production of the Budget this year might almost have been dispensed with, but that, as Miss Carotina Wt. HELMINA Ameria Sxeces remarks, “There is a Form in these things | Madam, there is a Form.” Mr. Punch. “ Fudge!” a A little artistico-historico-economical debate that followed was much | more amusing. CROMWELL’s claims to a statue in the New Houses | were urged with some spirit, Mz. WHALLEY came out with some ultra. Protestantism against the fresco of the baptism of the Saxon King | by S. AucusTINE, orieing that we were Protestants in England (and, | if we heard the Hon. Member right, had the Common Prayerbook and Church-rates) five hundred years before Aucustiwe. Sim M. W, | Rip.ey complained that the statues of Fox and Grattan “pointed no moral and adorned no tale,” which was uncandid, because’a tail adorns | the reverse of each statue. Sir Josern Paxton very properly demanded that the place in the Victoria Tower for the reception of Records should be fireproof, and after a good deal more rather pleasaat chit-chat of the kind, even Cox ventured to rise and say something— but the House was instantly and successfully Counted Out:at 2°15. Friday. After one of Lory Normansy’s little Acts of Accusation | t the Government of the Kine or Itaty had been rather loftily disposed of by Eant Russext, who seemed to-night inno temper to be | t of nonsense, the same Ear! stated in answer to Lon Kinnainp, that there were two versions of the case of M. Zamoyrskt, one to the effect that he had been flogged to pieces, the other toa reverse purport. As he did not know which to believe, he -preferred to give credit to the less painful story—which may be regarded as a prudential and conve. nient course, and which has, moreover, the merit of being opposed to the usual practice of society when anything’ disagreeable is narrated. Mr. Layarp explained that England did not intend to interfere with the internal affairs of Mexico, and that as our men had done all tliat they were sent to-do, they had been withdrawn, with a small exception. He did not say r the prospects of the Austrian Prince, who wishes to be Maxrurrraw or Mexico, were improving—the impression seems to be rather the other way. ‘We suppose that the reference to the Wellington Monument re- minded Apmrrat Watcorr that there had’ been such a person as NeExson, and prompted a question to Mr. Cowrer. The latter res- ponded that Str Epwix Lanpser undertook the Lions in 1858, and was still attending, very regularly, at the Zoological. Gardens, to see | what lions are like. Mr. Denman made an able speech in. favour of Poland, and Lorp PatmeErstTon replied that Poland had much to complain of, but had better Wait. Government have been fairly waked up at last, upon the subject of the ships, and a rumour that got about, we have no idea how, that Ur. Punch intended to make a demonstration upon the subject in the shape k in Iron, finally decided the Premier’s course. Str Georce Lewis was invited to hold his tongue, |and Bernat OsBoRNE was invited to come out strong upon the ques- tion. Then, Pam, choosing the right moment, as he always does, rose and declared that Government were intensely alive to the importance of the subject, that Carrary Cowper Coxzs’s Cupola was a capital contrivance, that the Forts should be suspended, and the Floating Defences should be taken in hand. This was as much as could be expected, but Mr. Bentinck wanted a little more, and was told by 74 to 13 that when you have killed your hare with one barrel, there is no need to fire the other barrel into her. So, on the whole, Mr. Punch thinks himself justified in closing the chronicle of the present week with the woe ol Looray ! CRINOLINE ASHORE AND AFLOAT. We’veE mail-clad vessels ; iron grates Our ladies’ robes conceal ; Our ships’ sides feneed with armour-plates ; Our girls’ with ribs of steel. Steel ribs will safe from capture make, Her Masesty’s marine, And whom do you expect to take A wife in Crinoline ? A Profitable Transaction. Accorprxe to Mz. Huspanp, out of the sum total constituting the new Turkish loan, which has been so eagerly subscribed to in this country, only 60 per cent., after, deductions for mterest and commission, will “ be applicable in Turkey.” For £8,000,000, therefore, it follows | that the Turkish Government will oaly get some £4,300,000. Our big bill discounters, amongst them, thus sack 40 per cent. Will it not be truly said that the Mahometans have fallen into the hands of the Jews! On the Stock Exchange, however, it may be remarked, that we have rather turned Turks, because we have received a profit from the Mussulmans. — BES \\\'\

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Apri 12, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 145 —— MR. BRIGHT AND THE FINE ARTS. = HAT distinguished connoi HIS EFFULGENCY Eid and akon patron of the THE PRESIDENT OF P (Arts, Joun Bricut, Esquire, ENGLAND DISPOSING OF e Fe M.P., has felt so naturally THE OLD CROWN anxious that his favourite 18 68 country (we mean, of SS a STRASS sented at_the coming Inter- national Exhibition, that we hear, he has commissioned the first artists in New York to paint for him a series of his- = torical pictures, which he - trusts to get admitted to the gallery at Kensington, before e finally receives them to - decorate his own, The sub- jects he has chosen have mostly been selected with > the view of pointing out the décadence of England, and her marked inferiority . in standing to the States. From a whisper whieh has reached us we are privileged to state, that the following are some of the historical events which it has to see pictorially treated :— The Quaker’s Dream, Gzand historieal cartoon, representing the election of Joux Barieut as the perpetual president of Great Britain, consequent on the annihilation of the Throne and House of Lords. (Note, The artist will be pleased to represent J. B. in a fine heroic attitude, with a smile upon his face, and pointing to the Crown with a gesture of contempt, after the manner of O. Cromweia saying; “Take away that bauble ! ’”’) Battle of Bunker's Hill. Total defeat and utter rout of the entire British Army by a handful of Americans led by Gzxenat Wasnixcton. Cowardly flight of Six Joun Bureorneg, leaving all his guns and wounded on the field. Sea-piece showing the famed action of the Shannon and the Che a gigantic British frigate of nine Romgin guns was captured by cutter, carrying three six-pounders and less than fifty men. Naval History of the War.) Sinking of the Royal George: scuttled by a brave American to avenge his country’s wrongs. A Series of Marine Views, representing the stories (as told to the sees) of the sinking or surrender of several huge English frigates, which were in reality line-of-battle-ships dis- guised, when encountered by as many small American corvettes. Dastardly retreat of General Wolfe after his attempted storming of Quebec. Bunxum’s “‘ American Campaigns.’’) The Glorious Signing of the famous Deelaration of Independence (from a sketch by an eye- witness, who was present as reporter for the New York Penny Tomahawk). Grand historical picture of England’s humiliation and America’s emancipation from the British tyrant’s thrall. French Landscape: with a view of the Column at Boulogne, erected to commemorate the invasion of England by the French (helped by the Yankees) in 1805. (Note dy Mr. Bricur. English writers have declared that the invasion, though intended, never actually took place. That is no business of the artist. There stands the Column, whatever be the fact.) Picture showing the Printing of the he aay Newspaper : invented by America to civilise the Universe ; with a view in the background of some few of the many million comforts and advantages which society has gained from this inestimable blessing. The Breaking of the Duke of Wellington's Windows, by a few of the free citizens who were sent over by the States to assist the British people in their struggle for Reform. (Note Kd Mr. Bricur. The artist will have the goodness to depict the Iron Duke half-fainting with sheer fright, and the patriots throwing stones at him are to be dressed in evening costume, with camellias in their button-holes and opera-glasses in left-hand.) The “ Wooden-Nutmeg Merchant,” and the “ Gross of Green Spectacles:” a pe of pictures showing the superior acuteness of Americans in mercantile transactions.—N.B. See Hiram CHousELEY’s notes to the (piratea) New York edition of the Vicar of Wakefield, as to the proofs that the pedlar who cheated Moses was a Yankee. Portrait of a Pensylvanian, taken in the noble act, of bravely repudiating his bond. p ig ae Coon and the Cogged Dice ;’? a Scene from real Yankee life: by an American TR- elite. A Series of Pictures, showing the invention of some of the most useful things the world has ever seen ; such, forinstanee, as the steam-enginie, the printing-press and the electric telegraph ; all of which, it is. well known, were ianentell bp mericans, Heroie Rising of the Chartist Patriots in 1848. Flight of Special Constables before a handful of brave Rowdies who had been sent over by the States, for the purpose of establishing a Great British Republic. # ’ Defeat of the Great English Giant Pugilist Tom Sayers by little Heenan the Hittite, the champion of Yankee "Weather cite ry Sinking of the whole British fleet by the American Armada, a.p.1866. (A view of the future, taken by an artist who paints in clairvoyance). course, America) should be fitly repre- © Gaz to :W _ the former, the latter, a little Yankee (Vide Hooker WALKER’s (Vide GENERAL Gallant Action between the Federal Corvette San Jacinto, pen. Captain Wilkes, and the British iron-plated line of Battle Steamship Trent, carrying 111 Armstrong guns. Shameful der of the English three-decker. Invasion of England by the Re-united States. (A prospective picture, for which the artist is expected to draw on his imagination: the scene and date of the event not being yet precisely fixed.—J. B.) surren- APRIL FOOLS. Tue rites and ways of ancient days Shift with time’s ceaseless flow ; ld almanaes are no more true e Tie oles, pi ade in nd, ut two Spring fashions ho eir grow Though c all-else may rule— Still March doth snare her frantie hare, And April boasts her fool. The spring-life’s stirred in beast and bird, Buds burst their barky sereens, Nor only trees, but nations boast, The freshness of their greens. From either Pole, to where her waves Our own BRITANNIA ‘ I look around and see the ground Alive with April fools, France gapes to see her Emprron With Freedom’s corniee crown His new Bastile which hag-replaced m.. old cue - pulled » il igs upon thisties, grapes-on Becks, at his bidding cool Upon sueh sleeveless errand sent, What ’s France but April fool ? Italy, still the battledore Of Guelph and Ghib’line hands, Betwixt an Emperor and Pope Perplexed and panting stands. Of her that trusts to Brennvs’s sword, Or leans on PETER’s stool, Tis hard to say which Italy Is greater April fool. Grave Germany, *twixt pot and pipe, Book-led and Kant-o’errun, Pores:o’er the problem, still unripe, How to make many one. Professor while in Prince she ’d find, Or sovereigns in her schools, __ There’s Germany, bemused and blind, Greatest of April fools, Turkey,—where diplomatic snips With new cloth patch the old, Beneath the Great Powers’ smiles and frowns Alternate hot and cold,— While Franks and Moslemin she trusts With even hand to rule, And hopes by loans to shake off debt— Is sure an April fool. And thou with Bunkum swoll’n and fired, Oh, JonaTHan, my son! Spending thy million-a-day, Half frenzied, half in fun: Union who seek’st in civil war, Freedom in Slavery’s school, What, oh my JonaTHay, art thou, If not an April fool ? And lastly, Mother England, thou That sav’st wax-ends and chips, While spending thirty millions clear In soldiers and in ships ; If hoping to see Income-Tax (Neatest of taxing-tools !) Hong idly up on Treasury walls, Thou’rt worst of April fools !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Arr 12, 1862, | y) Wy) lift We Y) Y| YM Ta i ee Hie - i . mall i AW | if] rl : A cee he f= H | A ne Naas: = \ Lae THE NEW SCHOOL. Uncle (who is rather proud of his Cellar). “‘Now Grorcz, MY BOY, THERE’s A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE FOR YOU—Don’? GET SUCH STUFF aT ScHooL, Ex? Ex? Ex?” George. “H’M—awFuLLty Sweet! VERY Goop sort ror Lapies—sut I’vE ARRIVED AT A TIME OF LIFE, WHEN I conress I LIKE my Wine Drr/” (Sensation). Should a foe heave in sight, to our guns we may fly, TRON-CLAD JACK. - we of — nor oe feel a anes: die! Hy ound away as he wi ys, we ’li never say die! are te ne See see For we ’re proof ’ wast steel, iron and lead. Go, patter to soldiers and swabs not at sea We’ve no woodwork to riddle, alow or aloft, *Bout danger and fear and the like, No canvas to shift or to tack ; A full head of steam and good iron-ship give me, Not an inch in the ship that is shaky or soft, And ’taint to three-deckers I’ll strike ! Shot and shell proof is Iron-clad Jack! Though such shot on our iron sides smack, smash, and smite, Wha ‘of tha PP ahe “the as *ll right gallantly figh nat of that ? sheathed in plate we’ll right gallantly fight, Till our foes for the fishes be food. “ OPENING OF THE INTERNATIONAL EXHIBITION. In armour cased for’ard, amidships, abaft, By a notice in the Gazette, we learn that the Five Commissioners i ith i ; pom. . Ait nately we steam i oar blackemith-bailt craft : charged with the Inauguration of the Building designed as a Temple of Naught to fear now has Iron-clad Jack. Industry, Science and Art, are as follows :—; . Mr. Farrparrn I said to my Pout, for you see she would cry ; . hen last we were ordered to sea, a Mr. Farapay. What ’s the good, Pott, of sniv’ling, and piping your eye, Mr. Ricnarp Owen. When your Jack is as snug as can be? Mr. ALFRED TENNYSON. Can’t you see how we’re armed ; iron plates over all ; Mr. Danret MactiseE Shot-and-shell-proof from sternpost to stem ? prey a ‘ Not a man of us now by a broadside can fall : The report that the Ceremonial was to be under the superintendence And for small arms, we ’ve no fear of them. of a Soldier, an Arch-bishop, and some Lords, is contradicted, and the With sheathing well shielded both for’ard and aft, above list appears in ample vindication of the good sense of the Directors. On the furnace fresh fuel we stack, Then running stem on sink the enemy’s craft, While in safety sits Iron-clad Jack. FISCAL FUTURITY. Why, I heard our ship’s blacksmith explaining one night Tae Serpent used to be the emblem of Eternity. Now, however, That the strength of our sheathing was nm 4 the Serpent is superseded in that capacity by the Income-Tax, of which That, shiver my rivets! says he, when we fight, there is to be no end. The symbol is one which may be said to cor- Not a shot can our timbers ere touch. respond to Eternity of the wrong sort. —— HHL «Uv HSLLIYG,, HHL AO aC ROS N Hell

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Arru. 12, 1862. 4h Wi ce a= VOM a 7 1 —_—_— THE ‘BRITISH TAR” OF THE FUTURE. ell WA ~~ SES! pee MOA: . £2 822 ya a: | Bm 2 s-s ba 8 oO oOo

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Fa 8, 008) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a A NICER SORT OF BREAD. HREE - SCORE - AND - TEN, it is said, are e of a man ; but forty-and-two appear to be the years of a journey- man er. t this rate, the great master-baker is a sort of giant, who grinds his work- man’s bones to make him bread. According to Miss Maartingavu, Ste- VENS’S Bread- ft making Machinery promises to put an end Joe aker- nding. Ha emres out thea vantages of the new mechanical contri- vance , for econo- mising labour in the manufacture of bread, Miss TINEAU writes as follows :— together, can there be a doubt that the journeymen to an end by a better means than an Act of Parlia- “ Putting all these things bakers’ vances are coming ment? ere will not be a speedy end, if an end at all, to home-made bread, but the kneading will not long be done by the cook’s stout arm.” This is yery welcome intelligence. Eating bread of which the making kills the ee baker, is, in a manner, eating the journeyman baker himself. ‘This thought is calculated to create a disrelish for dry bread, if not to induce us to quarrel with our bread-and-butter. B prepared by means of inery will be eaten without a shudder ; and the rather by reason of the consideration that, if in the case of home- made bread kneading is no longer done by the cook’s stout arm, neither, in that of bakers’ bread can it any more be Psa pomae by a different —— of muscular power exerted on the dough by several journey- men . WHY DON’T YOU REPEAL YOUR PAPER DUTY? Office has effected a saving of £22,000 to the repeal of the Paper Duty, We are glad that the Government are the gainers themselves by their own liberality. It is only right and fair that they should share the benefit in common with us and others. However, our poor bankrupt friend, Austria, if she were wise, (we grant that the “if” is a mighty big stumbling-bloek), would borrow a valuable hint from the above preg- nant and s' tive fact. Generosity always repays itself. It is sure to come to us, in some way or other, in the long run. Why, then, doesn’t Austria repeal her Paper Duty? In that pauper empire, eaten up with priests, police, and pro ists, the Paper Duty consists in printing as many -notes as she can possibly get to circulate. Let system boldly be repealed, (and it is el por which any one, let him be ever so clever in coo! accounts, not hesitate to confess has, long ’ere this, been completely “done to rags”’), and who knows A finances ,000 next year; and a at the Austrian may clear £22 gain like that would be a colossal fact such as has never been accom- plished in those impoverished States yet, within the memory of the oldest Beeotian inhabitant ! Ir is said that the Statio this year, owing, it is pene A Sea Change. | Tue accep reconstruction of the British Navy will effect an j utire change of nautical phraseol “ Shiver my timbers!” will become obsolete ; and the correspo exclamation will be, “ Unrivet my plates,” tead of “Scuttle my coppers!” the dramatic Jack Tar will have to say “ Foul my screw!” or “Smash my cupola,” and whereas he used to utter imprecations on his bowsprit, he will hence- orth perhaps invoke injury on his bowsplitter. “THE VOICES OF THE DEEP.” Dx. Durossé proves to us that fishes have voices. Lending our ears to this fact, we Semler overland line between Cork and Waterford and Wexford, are pushed read i From Wexford the telegraph becomes a par TALK ABOUT THE TELEGRAPH. ‘ Bem ne find it es to amuse themselves.in Lent; and is possibly the reason why we saw other morning in the Standard that: **Me. anp Mrs. Biawk have issued invitations for a on the bject of uniting Ameri d England by the electric tel between Ireland su merica ani egraph and Newfoundland.” " is i ., The transatlantic telegraph, and the thousands that were sunk with it, afford a fitting topic to be talked about in Lent, which is for Christian minds the aptest time for penitential preaching. But though long faces were no doubt pulled at the soirée above i still persons who were interested in telegraphic matters might have found grounds for consolation in the following ammouncement, which had appeared a day or two before in the Observer :— “ A short time since we stated that a proposal had been made for very consider- ably reducing the time required for the of be- tween this country and the south of Ireland. The outward and mails now touch at Queenstown, and receive or land their mails and es. Hitherto the news from America has been memes fmmengt * Roche's Point’ at the mouth of the harbour, up to Queenstown, thence, if intended for London, Dubiin, , Do Dumfries, Car lisle, and , roundabout ‘mode of sending messages, of course produces many delays, for rapid as is the el: when fairly on its ray’ it must obey the stern orders of its masters, stop at appointed stations, wait till the line is signalled to be ‘all Of this series of delay one has been removed. The telegraphic itches are now sent direct from up at New York or Boston directed it his petsipetbane they are Opusel and sth aaa monde ey are opened and start on their having to make another stage upon the little panting, 8 runs to theCove of Cork. A delay of an hour and a half is avoided, and the last American news was reveived in London in time for the second ‘edition of our ; contemporaries, and the telegrams which were published in the Observer of Sunday last were given to the public nearly two hours sooner than Pn Tees have been but for the completion of this small section between Roche's Queenstown.” If we can’t bridge the Atlantic with a telegraphic wire, at least we may abridge the time it takes to forward a m vid ad ; and — further steps are being taken for this the ‘following will show :— ‘«'The other portions of the project, which include the construction of a ® 4 H very rapidly. ‘line, and will cross the Channel to St. David's Head, on the Welsh Coast, and be continued vid Milford to London. When completed, the average saving in point of time equal to rp ! four hours. About fifty miles of the overland wires have been erected by Messrs. SitverR anp Co., between Cork amd Wexford, and whole of this section will be completed in a few days. wires ee oupnertet upon ebonite insulators, and the experience which has been proves that those insulators possess great superiority over or other partially non-conducting su In route it has been necessary to cross a small tidal arm Queenstown. The cable which has been made for submerging ae poe nem . is formed of eighteen thick protecting steel wires, enclosing eleven conductors, each of which is made up of seven pom of copper wire. These are insulated with India rubber, and it forms one of the most perfect and complete specimens of insu- lation which has yet been made for the purpose of submarine telegraphy.” If Messreurs Sutver be successful in their present undertaking, we trust that before long they may be so in a larger one; and that the “ great superiority” of their ebonite insulator may enable us to hold discourse with distant countries more swiftly than at present we are competent to do. If they continue to improve our means of wiredrawn intercourse, we may be able before long to waft a sigh, by. telegraph, from Indus to the Pole, and possibly transmit a kiss (in writing) from Caleutta to Cornhill. “‘ Speech is Silver,” say the m ts; and whatever tales we have to tell the submarines, no doubt the MzssizuRs SttveRr will enable us to tell them. Who was your Sponsor? Amone the founders of a certain political association lately formed at Berlin, the Moniteur makes mention of a Princk Bocustaw bE Rapztwitt. We are surprised at meeting with a Prince called Bocustaw. We had no idea that Bocustaw had any connection with Royalty; we always supposed that bogus law was ‘an American institution. ““~HE CHILDREN OF WEALTH.” Or all the “ Children of Wealth” the greatest, without exception, are the Rorascampren. So enormous is thei that we are assured by a confidential clerk in their establishment, many and many a time it has been almost beyond Barmye, SPIRITUAL WEAKNESS, We have been asked why spirits, such as those that communicate with Mr. Foster the conjuring “medium,” can only write under the : what language are the fishes in the habit of speaking ? We suppose it must be the language of the Finns. table? We answer, Because spirits of that description are below proof.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Apr 12, 1862, — A PEER AMONG THE PAUPERS., “?Tis a rum thing to find a Peer in a Workhouse.” Titi Sriney Lopcer. “ Tut, tut, tut ; how very careless of me to be sure, not to lock up the Bottle last night. I’ll be bound that Servant Gal has been at my Cod Liver Oil/” The joke is not a bad one for a poor old fellow, the re. cipient of in-door relief, who made it on his own name, It is a better joke, too, than it seems; for this Peer was a man of mark in his day; one who was on familiar terms indeed with the actual Peerage. Mr. Peer used to drive the Nimrod —was it not ?—fast coach between London and Southampton. Joun PgeER, once JAcK Pzxr to his noble and gentle familiars, is now an inmate of the West London Union, in which institution he was discovered by Mr. M‘Wuryyr, from whom a letter giving an account of the discovery appeared the other day in the Zimes, PEER was ruined by the railways, which destroyed his professional employ. ment, for the loss whereof he got no compensation, not being an officer of the Insolvent Court, and having no CHELMSFORD to assert his claims. His generosity prevented the accumulation of any say. ings which the want of that virtue might possibly have enabled him to put by. He is said, on good authority, to have once given all his money to a young gentleman to get him out of a scrape, which, but for that assistance, would have ruined him. _ Reger among the paupers is the model of a gentleman in difficulties, visibly distmguished from his compeers by the quiet dignity and patience with which he accepts his situation. But how much longer is he to remain in the workhouse? That question. might easily be settled among the many noble lords and hénourable gentlemen who may yet remember sitting on the box in the good old coaching days, and talking with the gallant coachman of whom age and poverty have now got the whip-hand. Mr. PEER’s case is noticed in Batty’s Monthly Magazin for April, and its statement concludes with the intimation, that any sums remitted to Messteurs Barty Brornens, Cornhill, on PzER’s behalf, will be duly acknowledged and properly applied. A Government Office that Pays. We read that this year, not only has the Mint paid its expenses, but even left a small margin of profit over. The same cannot be said of every public department. Hov- ever, we must not express our surprise too largely, for it is clear that the Mint must necessarily contain within itself more internal resources for “making money” than any other Government Office. A COIL OF BROODING MYSTERY. ERTAINLY it is all very well to take a great interest in the daily incubation of the Python, but we are anxious to know what is to become of the eggs when they are all hatched. It was considered a great mira- cle of St. Patrick to drive all the reptiles out of Ireland. It strikes us that we are doing the very reverse of that same miracle —for we are doing all we can to introduce the breed into this country. We believe that there are about a hundred of these said eggs. Will the Zoologicai Gardens kindly inform us what they intend doing with this numerous progeny, supposing every egg brings forth a live Python? A hundred serpents all playing away at once will be, of course, a very pretty exhibition for those who have a fine ear for such instruments, and we have but little doubt that every member of the “Porz’s Brass Banp” will make a musical study of going to hear them; but will the residents of the Regent’s Park like the propin uity of such slippery, and, at times, burglarious neighbours? We know that we would not live in the vicinity for any inducement. We should not be able to go to bed comfortably for fear of waking up in the middle of the night with a great ugly slimy boa-constrictor coiling round our body, and carrying us off there’s no knowing whither, without even having the grace to allow us time sufficient to put on our clothes. We really hope that the Directors will see that these pretty pets are kept pe pe under the strongest lock and key, or else we mean to say it will be a great stinging shame ; for if the whole lot of them should escape across the Park, we pity the little children and nursery maids with their attendant life-guardsmen who usually gambol there. The cry of “Mad Bull” will be an angel’s whisper compared to the noise that will be raised on that alarming occasion ! Then, there’s the dread of their hiding in secret places, and breeding all over the metropolis, and so gradually stretching themselves over the entire kingdom. It’s no joke when you take into consideration that a Python lays almost as heavily as any member of the betting ring. It will lay you a hundred at ay bg of course, we are talking of eggs. Precautions should decided taken in time to guard against the ssibility of any such evil. With so strong a tendency to large amilies, England would be peopled with Pythons in no time, and then it might defy St. Patrick himself, or the greatest serpent-charmer 1 the world, to rid us of such a dangerous invasion. We might be meat to them, but they would only be poison to us. Of course, when they are duly hatched, (what a consternation there will be on that day at Ostend amongst the rabbits !) the Directors will begin to think of giving them away. As a nobleman sends game to his friends, so will the Zoological Gardens send these scaly monsters to the Jardin des Plantes, and similar congenial institutions. As for selling them, that will be totally out of the question, for when the supply 's so great there will soon be a dreadful fall of serpents. We don’t know whether they are good to eat, or what kind of soup they would make, or else our costermongers might drive a brisk trade with them, for doubtlessly they would be able to sell them quite as cheap as eels. “ Here, are your fine live Pythons ! two a penny! all alive, oh!” would make a nice cheering cry under one’s windows, when one wakes W with a nervous headache. As for us, we must beg that the Director of the Zoological will not, out of any stupid idea of paying us a com: pliment, think of sending us a brace of Pythons, “ with their respects, or any nonsense of that sort, for we tell them candidly we would _ have them in the house for any consideration. Sweet pretty things for countrie | for exer The | damon | might j

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ee ! j : eapmri 12, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 151 52, = the children to play with! We must say we pity the poor coiled-up] He is also fully aware that the same causes account for the contemp- creature in her present maternal position. ‘The difficulty with most |tuous laughter with which the House o mmons is accustomed to arents is to bring up a family; with her, the great difficulty is to| receive the complaints of intolerance, and the demands for power, which ring one out. She seems heartily tired of sitting, and, after sitting | are so frequently preferred by Sir George Bowyer, and the other ise.” so long, and yet bringing forth nothing, just like our M.P.’s, now] warriors of his Holiness’s faithful parliamentary Irish Brigade. Yet e Te longing for a fortnight’s holiday. It is proposed, in order to revive | the Pors is silent. Of course. How could he disapprove of the con- ame. her, and to make her fancy she was in her “native element,” to let eee of Matamoros to the galleys, without condemning those acts was her have a bath in the Serpentine every morning: for which purpose, | of stronger faith, which, in ages of more glowing charity, would have erms in order to be nearer the spot, she and her family are to be removed | consigned that heretic and his associates to the flames ? — forthwith, it is said to Harcuetr’s. " scl entle THE SICK MAN IN mi ESSAYS AND REMARKS. THE Sel Mine. cNIE, Catt the Turk, if you like it, the sickest of men overy pvick.— There are | many And boast Frank than Mussulman wiser ; od by persons who continually offer But I’d give Aim more rope than I would to the Porg, iploy. you unsolicited advice, which, To the Czax, or his neighbour, the » not when serious, is to do what Any one of the three I should just like to see, iE no they would do if they were in . 1 d whai, if th in our Stock-Exchange coolly desce your p a ane Wi tbe _ i they Soldier, Priest or Civilian—to ask for four million, y sav- were 80, they, not bemg you And find thirty ready for lending ! have would perhaps be right in , ty, to doing, more probably wrong, Though Christians can’t bear him, his eunwehs and harem, an to but if you, not — they, ‘And the muftis and moollahs, his masters, tance, were to do, you would cer- Though financiers blame his wild issuing of caimés, tainly be a fool. ; (Which is ‘lui kish, we ’re told, for “‘shin-plasters”). leman hen, in difficult cireum- Though for pay his troops clamour, though bromasht to the rs by stances, you ask advice, be- hammer, ots his cause you really want it, you Are the late Suran’s wives and their jewels, in the will seldom get any of the Let him just draw his bill, and Barrannta still, among least use. Few will take the Will find cash for’t, in spite of renewals. > may trouble of trying to under- aching stand your perplexity, very Yes, he looks very sick . . . is at near his last kick— Mm age few of those who try to under- hen suddenly—Dictu mirabile !— stand it will be able, and “Ha! ha! cured in an instant!” .. . he’s set on his legs ygazine most, if not all, of that few, By Brirannia’s “ aurum potabile.” nation, confess that they know That myst’ry so sought by the sages who wrought PHERS, not what to advise you. For Alchemy’s mighty Arcanum— and J ; Plenty of people will give The Elixir of Life !—of full hands here’s a strife, | you off-hand advice, recommending you to do something which it Proff’ring draughts—for the sick man to drain ’em ! is either impossible for you to do, or to which it is advisable for you to do exactly the contrary. Ve ory: the rye advice tte Pay auttes is o which is paid for, FO VATIVE and that 1s not always wo e money. One physician in a thousan NUTS R CONSERVA’ 8, - aid its may give you food advice. The best advice, on the whole, is that of a 7 . The respectable solicitor. THE subjoined extract from a weekly contemporary appears to assert og" ihe right of a people to choose their form of Government for them- , for it selves :— n itsel | MOTHER CHURCH TRIUMPHANT IN SPAIN. ‘We have never disguised our sympathy with the Southern States, nor our an aly ardent hope that they may prove victorious in this great for their inde- (For the “ Tablet.’’) pendence in their own homes.” ——— DEPRECATING as too severe the lenient sentence of eleven years’ penal| _ What very generous sentiments! If it were not for the fact that servitude which has been passed on Don ManveL Matamoros, Don | the independence of the Southern States will involve the perpetuation yursery- Avert Atuama, and Don Micuet Trico, at Granada, for reading the | f negro slavery, what true Englishman would not avow the same? | there. Bible, the Clamor Publico asks the following impertinent question:— | But why limit sympathetic generosity to the Southern Confederation ? | to the “Whatcha Bag Cannot the contemporary from whose columns the foregoing words are |B unten generat fon the pln of spree, cur brthren lvng in Proteient | taken also affirm that it has never disguised its sympathy with the reeding for exercising it, with the brand of the reprobate and the chain of the convict ?” ' Roman people, nor its ardent ho that they likewise may prove vic- | es over The Ch ; : ants _, | torious in that great struggle for their independence in their own homes | leration d e > pat Publico, as a Spanish Journal, belies its name. The| which they have been so long engaged in? No; forthe sympathy of that ng ring. | ‘eht iy de cae the my ware extract is a specimen is such as| contemporary with the Southern States is something peculiar; as of eggs. Poa ‘way be go pone British public but ape d could | appears from the continuation of the passage quoted above :— mst the the spostaten | . the o- ti panic ot Epain. ! - rg » = “Our sympathy with them is strengthened by the fact that the great Liberal 0 large case as that fM erevics rds be singed + ——that, 1 SUCD &| Party everywhere desires the success of their enemies.” ad then | : at of Matamoros and his accomplices, would be the natural ’ rmer i cry of the Catholic Spanish people. Take notice that the contemporary whose remarks we have been pe meat hat would Spanish Catholics say if a British court of justice had presenting to you is the Zablet. The Romans are regarded as a very | condemned Drs, Manninc and Newman to i ifferent sort of people from the Southerners by the organ of popery. | Mase? ) pag servitude for singing F ass? Just what we ourselves should say if the thieves were to get i upper hand in this country and send professors of moral philosophy 0 the hulks for lecturing against Communism, and maintaining the nights of property. That would be persecution if you like ; but there is ay persecution in punishing thieves ; still less is there any in the pun- | ‘tment of heretics. Heresy is worse than thievery, and a felon is less } gt ty. mgs a man who presumes to read the Bible without the leave of If Matamoros and his companions in guilt had not been justly punished for an offence against the faith, if the punishment inflicted on em in the name of religion had not been authorised by the Church, of oe the Porg, ever prompt in the denunciation of error, would have pre epee the mistake of its infliction with the utmost alacrity. The a ather knows too well that to such acts of faith as the condem- ion of the Spanish Bible-readers is mainly owing the detestation in In its estimation the latter are as different from the former as white from black ; and if the Southern negroes were in revolt t their masters, our Popish contemporary would probably sympathise as little with them as it does with the Romans, and as much with their masters as it does with the Porz; particularly because the emancipation of both the niggers and Romans is everywhere desired by the great Liberal Party. Indeed we suppose the Zad/et is ready to maintain that the Romans are niggers, which amounts to no greater absurdity than maintaining white to be black; and that is nothing to a journal holding the still more inconceivable me which the Tablet professes. No doubt the 7ad/et, in the interests of its party, is prepared to contend that white is black ; and the affirmative of that same proposition would for the same purpose, be also y voted by the representatives o that party in the House of Commons who are banded to turn out Lorp Which his paternal authorit i : L y is so very genefally held in these evil times, to the continually extending laceration of his paternal heart. Patmerston’s Government, to the end of reversing his —— policy. Oyez, oyez, oyez, Conservatives, you increase their number by every Derbyite whom you send to Parliament !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprit 12, 1862, JOHN TOMKINS AND ’ARRY BLOATER. Time of Queen Vicroaria, 1862—not at all scarce. *Arry (in the Boots of the Period). “Yes, THRY’aE DooceD CoMFORTABLE, AND THEY GIVE ONE A MILITARY AND RATHER Sportive APPEARANCE, I FANCY.” NO MORE ARMSTRONG GUNS! Tue Great Exhibition of 1862 is destined to cement the | whole human brotherhood. That of 1851 was to have done | so, but did not; for it was soon followed by the Russian War and Indian Mutiny, and lastly by hostilities with | China. In regard to China, however, arrangements have | been made with Poo-Loo to repair every breach, as well | as to unite any other fracture that may occur elsewhere. To promote the fraternisation of mankind it is proposed to set the world an example, which cannot but conduce to | that desirable result. Measures are in active progress for | the embellishment of our public places with the statues of | distinguished foreigners. | The statues of Dante, Tasso, Goretne, ScHriuzn, | Racine, Monrére, CorNEILLE, and BéranceEr, will be | put up in Westminster Abbey, if there is room for them | there; if not they will be placed, with other European celebrities, in Trafalgar Square, that being confessedly the finest site in Europe. In this situation also will be stationed those of CHARLES THE TWELFTH, FREDERICK THE Great, Masséna, Sout, and a few more of NapotEon’s Generals, | With a view to paying a delicate compliment, the statue | of Navo.zon himself will be set in Waterloo Place. The Houses of Parliament will be decorated with statues of Voutarre, Rousseau, Mrrapeav, Danton, Manat, and RopesPizRRE; Pozzo pt Boreo, Merrernica, Nes. | SELRODE, and other Continental statesmen and philosophers | Bossvxt will have a statue in Smithfield. The statues of as eats ee illustrious strangers as time and money will allow will be reared in various parts of the | Metropolis, which will thus acquire quite a cosmopolitan | character. The inauguration of these statues will doubtless | inaugurate the reign of universal peace in the family of| Man, and impel the peoples, now armed to the teeth against | each other, to discard their armaments and rush into each | other’s arms. The only possible objection to the proposed | sculptures will be obviated by getting them executed by | foreign artists; for if we employed native talent to make | them, they might, unfortunately, chance to be mistaken for | caricatures. | N.B. Mr. Punch, of 85, Fleet Street, will take care of| any money which may be sent to him as a subscription | towards the contemplated statues. | | REVIVAL OF AN OLD ApeLPHI Piece at Drvnr'! PUNCH TO LORD CHIEF JUSTICE ERLE. My pear Erte, 85, Fleet Street, April 8th. I am always glad of any opportunity that brings you and me | into communication, for you are, as 1 have had or made occasion to tell you before, no end of a Brick. : f cof But I am not quite clear that I am satisfied ‘with the definition you laid down on Friday, in the case of the Morning Post and the lady who | did not like to be laughed at about that dog business. The result of the trial, and the Farthing for the ill-advised lady, were all right, and would leave nothing to regret, but that the Post has to pay its own | heavy costs, and that you, my dear Extz, have emitted the unsatis- factory definition. Definitions are difficult things. SHAKsPEARE intimates that onl | very scholarly minds should undertake them, when he makes Armado | say to Moth, “ Define, define, well-educated infant.” i ou say, my dear ERLE, that a legitimate press criticism is one which come not make “a rational and sensible person less comfortable in jociety.” My dear L. C. J., surely you must see that this is to put down all | press criticism, and to bring back the law of libel to what it was in the old days, when a libel was defined to be anything that was in the slight- | est degree di ble to anybody. pare any pave who is cen- sured at all is thereb made less comfortable in Society. Even you | yourself, my Exxz, who are one of the most rational and sensible, and also one of the goodest and kindest men going, will be (momentarily only, I hope) rendered less comfortable in Society by knowing that 1 | have signified incomplete satisfaction with one of your dicta. Yet, you | would not come down on me as a libeller, my dear fellow, would you? | _ Besides, ought not even a rational and sensible person who does an | absurd thing (of course you and I don’t talk of women as rational or | sensible) to be visited with castigation and discomfort, in his own | interest and that of society ? ; Besides, again, is not the comfort of society to be considered, and Lane.—Shakspeare’s House to Let. “what thing is more delightful,” as Cicero says, than the seeing an} acquaintance’s goose artfully cooked? ‘The greatest happiness of the greatest number, my dear Erxez. | Just reconsider your definition, will you, and. come and tell me that you have done so—dinner at 7 sharp. Ever yours, my dear L. C. J., Most affectionately, PUNCH. To the Lornp Cuter Justice Erte, ge., Je. Misapplication of Peter’s Pence. Tue Lamoricitre Sword Fund has, at GENERAL Lamoricrére’s re- quest, been handed over to the “ Peter’s Pence Association.” According to the Tablet, the Secretary to the Lamoriciére Testimonial Committee has disappeared, and there is “a very considerable difference between the amount acknowledged by advertisements in the newspapers, al the amount forthcoming.” If Peter’s Pence have been appropriated by somebody else, we fear it will turn out that the party has not been robbing Peter to pay Pau. But suppose the pence had all reache Rome. Would Peter not have been robbed to pay CuIAvoneE ? Britannia’s Shield. Tue good old lady has sent it to Vulcan to have it instantly irot- plated with good four-inch iron-plate at least. She has sufficient sens? to understand that, if the waves are to be ruled, it will be done for the future with an iron ruler. England’s best shield is Iron. You se Britannia is no fool in the main. Tae Last Report oF THE PytHon.—“ Left Sitting.” wi Ww Primeed by ee Ona la ienhed Cone eae Office im the Precinct of Ltd. x, April 12, Inés. Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Recent’s Park, both in the Parish of St. in the City of London, and Published in the County of Middles" | by them at No. 86, Fleet Street, in the of St, Bride, in the City ¢

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RE’S re cording nmittee yet weel ars, all ated by ot been reached F) ly iron- nt sense , for the You see PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 153 Aprit 19, 1862.] FROZEN-OUT MEDIUMS. “WE'RE NOT WORTH A RaP, AND WE’VE GOT NO WorRK TO Do!” PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Aprit 7th, Monday.—A Lord presented a complaint from the Vicar of Woolley, that there is very little fleece on his flock, and he himself is clipped very close by the tax-gatherer. The poor gentleman’s case scems a hard one, but we must hope that Providence will temper the wind for the shorn Vicar until good fortune raises it for him. Another Lord urged the expediency of military drill in public schools, and Lorp CiarenDon thought the system most desirable, but that it ought not to be compulsory. Asked whether Government would propose a vote in aid of the ALBERT Monolith, PaLMeRsTon answered, that he did not mean either to be rude or to reply. Mr. Disrakz1i then offered some criticisms on the Budget speech of R. Giapstone. Let us interpolate the remark, that one of those calculating idiots who can never see anything without computing what it would be if it were something else which it never can be, has estimated (most likely with’ perfect inaccuracy) that had the report of Mr. GLapstTonE’s speech been printed word after word in a straight line, it would have made 144 yards. ‘The same fool is now calculating how near the moon Mr. PEaxopy’s gift would reach if it were paid in half- pennies, and these were piled one above the other. He is next going to calculate whether, if every visitor to the International stood upon the shoulders of another, and this one on a third, and so up, the top visitor would be as high as Chimborazo, and he means to complete the cycle of absurd investigation by supposing that the poor Python, instead of having her eggs addled to amuse Sunday starers, had been allowed to hatch them, and that each young serpent had been as long a3 its mamma, and the whole family had been arranged in a line, the tail of one in the mouth of the other, and by calculating how many limes this line would go round the dome of St»Paul’s. It is a pit pa shaae is no stone-breaking or other useful labour provided for suc ople. If it be objected that these remarks have nothing to do with Mr. Diskazit’s speech, we reply that we don’t care, and also that they have as much to do with Mr. Disnaxu's speech as that speech had with the speaker's subsequent proceeding. For he applied himself to smash up | the calculations of Mn. GapstonE, to charge him with mystification, with extravagance, with spending seven millions and a half improperly, with stopping Exchequer money “ Hounslow fashion,” with using thetoric to bewilder the House, with placing us in a “ terrible scrape,” with — an enchanter’s wand, with making moonshine, with insinuating at he dislikes the expenditure he encourages, with bein 4 spendthrift who weeps over pence, with being a Penurious Prodigal —— with having in other days prattled about political morality, and with defending a system detrimental -to the c r of public men, and most injurious to the fortunes of the realm. Well, these are ar words and good hard charges, and if Mr. Disrazxt believed them to be ust (and a Member of Parliament never says — unjust), it was is business, one might think, at least to take the sense of the House whether such a wicked Minister should be allowed to push on his nefarious schemes. Mr. Disrax.i sat down. Refreshed by a moral glass of bitter beer, that is, by a sensible little complaint from Mr. Bass against the new licence to Brewers, Mr. GuapstoneE then replied to Mr. Disrarut. He scoffed at Mr. Disraz.i’s talking of the characters of public men, was ironical upon his condemnation of rhetoric and sophistry, said that he had no faith in the financial system at which Parliament has been labouring for twenty years, called him a Ransacker of Hansard, accused him of having doubly blundered when Chancellor of the Exchequer, said it was not difficult to bear censures from him, as better men had done, denied his allegations, and would not have complained of the speech at all, had it been made with an honest purpose. Hector and Achilles having fought, we presume that few desire to know what small Greeks and Trojans rushed on one another and slew or were slain. Bentinck, Witiovcnpy, Cecit, Ayrton, VANCE, Linpsay, Norrucore emitted dulness, and then’ Mz. GLapsToNE quietly enacted his Income-Tax, his Fair Licences, and his Card Licences, and went home to Homer. Smr Joun SHELLEY tried to prevent the Second Reading of the Thames Embankment Bill, and the division shows how admirably this Metropolitan Member represents the feeling of the country. The Bill was read by 116 to 9. Tuesday. Both Houses seemed to want rest after their labours, and besides, it was the first night of the Opera. GARIBALDI is an interesting person, but William Tell, a gentleman in the same line, has also his claims on the attention of the legislature. Nothing of the slightest importance took place in either House of Parliament, but at Mr. Grz’s house TAMBERLIK was in the most magnificent voice, and in the words of acritic, “ All his previous achievements paled before his magnificent rendering of the famous ‘Suivez-moi;’ and here the clear a tongued vigour with which the Italian tenor hurled forth those startling ut de poitrine, which can never fail to rouse the most torpid listener to enthusiasm, electrified the audience as completely as though they had never before heard a C delivered from the chest.” Wednesday was given to oysters, parsons, and sewers. Touching the first, Mz. Cave fittingly asked a question about the bottom of the sea, and an equally unfathomable quarter, the EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH, and was informed that a recent decree of L. N.’s had nothing to do with our oyster-fishery convention. The Bill for releasing from their canonical liabilities the clergymen who desire to abandon the surplice was debated with fairness, and was referred to a Select Committee. A Bill for giving enormous taxing powers to the Metropolitan Board of Works was discussed in committee, and some 86 clauses agreed to. Mr. Cox will be kind enough to look up the history of Athens, and see what is said about the Thirty Tyrants, as it may shortly be necessary to take some energetic steps in the direction of liberty. Thursday. Some educational conversation in the Lords, and Peer ELLENBOROUGH regretted that the weakness of Government had com- — them to make important saerifices of principle in reference to the Revised Code. But he believed that if Parliament would refuse all aid to Education an impetus would be given to it, and it would be grate- fully received, whereas gratitude and economy both walked off when public money came in. On the previous Tuesday a most important experiment was performed at Shoeburyness. The invulnerability of the Iron-Plated Ship, when opposed to the Armstrong Gun, was at issue, and Sir W1Lt1aM Arm- sTRONG settled the question. A target, made like the side of the Warrior, but stronger, was set up, cok he let fly at it from a non-rifled gun, with a 150lb. ball, at 200 yards, and with 40lb.of powder. He smashed right through the target, and had the ship been opposed to that gun we should now have a ship the fewer. On this subject there was, naturally, the utmost interest excited, and in both Houses the Ministers had to answer questions. As to what is to be done next. Mr. Punch begs to refer mankind to a probable Chronology which will be found in another column. He is glad to add, that Caprarw Cougs is being properly treated by the Admiralty; a miracle, considering that CoLEs is an inventor of a valuable affair. Inquiries were made after the health of the Big Bell. Mr. Cowrer professed great sorrow for its condition. He had called in medical advice, and had very properly selected Dr. Percy, who is not only our reatest but our biggest metallurgist, to examine the gigantic patient. Br. Percy thought that the Bell might be used, but would probably crack and come down in pieces, and this catastrophe Mr. Cowrzr did not like to risk, especially as the bell makes a most abominable noise. So the large quarter-bell gives the hour, and Mr. Cowper does not mean to do anything more with the wopper at present. Perhaps he You, XLIq,

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154 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

hopes to steal a good bell out of the International when nobody is ing, and we hereby caution the newly enrolled X Division to keep an eye upon him. Ass tried it — with the Hop Duty, but Mz. Buxton said that. six big brewers told him that the was all right, and after some debate, Mz. Bass corked himself up. . Then did the Government get a beating. Ar. Pumeh, who foresaw it, | as he foresees—or if AvMimaL CLERK OF THE WEATHER Firznoy, likes | it.better, “‘fore-casts Rye merely remarked in the most cur- | was brought in, that “he had heard of that sory manner, when the Bill for Building Courts of Law in Carey Street sort of thing before,” mean. ing, of course, that, the measure would be rejected by 83 to 81 on the | tenth.of April. Which it was, Mr. Punch’s prophetical powers being | once.more vindicated im the most wonderful manner. The putting | tage of cutting up an | awful. quantity of money, whereas there | no business to get themselves beaten—fellows | to hear William Tell again, and if they had they | ried down to help WiLt1am Cowrer—the electric a | up in-the box lobbies. Branp should.add to the message, “Come | meant to make in the Revised Code.

the Courts where it was proposed to place them would have the advan- i minable neighbourhood, but. would cost an is the site of Lorp WiLLIAM RusseL’s execution ready for the architect. But Government have could hardly have gone t to have hur- egrams.are stuck down, direetly, and be hanged to you, will you?” Friday. Lorp Granvitax ‘produced the alterations ‘Government person in five hundred understands the matter, and for the benefit of | that intelligent Unit, we will mention that Part of the t is to depend on the general << of ‘the schools, and not on individual examination. Four shillings a year per head on the average attendance of scholars. Eight shillimgs for every child who has attended 200 times, and can pass examination in the 3 R’s. There are to be six standards of examination. No grant on account of a child passing in the same standard in which he had succeeded in the previous year. What pupil-teachers may lose by the changes is to be made up to them. He did not think the changes were improvements, and if further conces- — — to - om ee pre would not = carrying out.at re, intelligent Unit are you going to s f A Fortifications debate followed. Lorxp OBOUGH is convinced We believe that about one | that we shall have to fight for our homes upon the soil of England, and that at present our means of defence are utterly inadequate. The Duke OF to such a degree as the question of iron plates and cannon-balls, which sensible remark shows that to a certain extent our GEORGE understands what is going on outside the Oss Guards, Six Georce Grey has issued an otnapitin down Perambulators, Materfamilias may be incensed, but ‘hé ads. That fisisto. say, he has commanded—] at. ?te—that nolocomotive carriage of any kind shall be allowed.in the streets, betweem seven in theamorning and ten at night, “if its — by anything but an Animal.” We think we have youithere, M’m,and the-abomimable child-eart will drive us into the muda@mévewt-our toes no longer: For if anvelegant and respectable maid-servant will submit'to be called-and considered by the police and the public.asan Animal,-we do.netmnderstand servantgalism, and penny fictiomas\sritteman vain. So,away-awith the Perambulator, scrunched by Grey, whorwas:also legislatingagainst: steam-earriazes, Answered to 8mm Josera Paxton, MarCowrmr, that:Ohelsea Bridge was not unsafe, but that it was to be strengthened, as «vast crowds would come upon it, we presume en rawfetdosee the beasts in Battersea Park next July. The week was finished by an exceedingly ‘Etelian debate, if that can bevcalled adebate in which Bowyer): Hiemnessy and: Macurre attacked the free institutions of Italyjyamdcthese were defended by LayaRrp, GuapsTone, and Patwerstow.’. Et:was.hardly fair play for the poor dwarfs, but it was pleasant to héamthe giants come-out. strong, Mr. Punch seldom quotes, out of mercytadhese-whese pi must suffer so miserably beside his gold, bubithéjanustygive peroration :— “*T trust-that Rome may soon be destineidoiemercise;not.an over the world, but great and distinguished:imfiuence over Europe, when it becomes the capital of Italy it will. exereiseits»power for the of intellect—the encouragement of the arts and sci for of every kind—and for the promotion of commercial activity and. wisdom. When po I trast that

| moral influence ; and these who:doggedly resisted it, that time arrives, and I trust it is not so distant as hon. gentlemen opposite expect it to be, I shall be willing that posterity shall judge between those who may have contributed to that result by the wisdom of their counsels—by their advice and » and were the champions and defenders of everything corrupt, tyrannical, and oppressive in the former institu- tions of Italy. When that time comes, I fo appeal to that tribunal for a decision in ourfavour. (Cheers.)*

We should think there were. Parliament is up for Easter.’

BEAUTY NOT WITHOUT PAINT. ut from a column of miscellaneous intelligence in the Morning Post, the followmg _para- graph is respect- fully submitted to the readers of Punch :— “The Emperor Na- POLEON, in his judg- ment of women, held that it was their busi- ness to dress exqui- sitely and to look | lovely, and as a proof how highly the ladies | | maiden. Without looking her closely in the mouth, it would be easy| enough to tell if her teeth were enamelled by art instead of nature. the enamel which Mapame Racust plasters the face with is thesame as that with which she incrusts the teeth, her clients must indeed acquire an |ivory complexion. We cannot understand enamelled hair; but should | think it must be very stiff. | No enamelling, however, will render any woman beautiful beyond /comparison. One comparison has been already suggested. Another is afforded by a certain Queen whose subjects probably included the ancestors of Mapame Raocuzt. It is hardly too much to say that the fute of that Princess would be not undeserved by the ladies of ihe | élite who resort to the disgusting process of enamelling, and with ee daubed with stucco flaunt about in the similitude of painted BZEBELS. } }

THE CHARITY EXCHANGE. GRAND VOTING DAY AT THE LONDON TAVERN. of the present day | prize his judgment, enamelling has be- come quite general | amongst the ladies of the d¢lite who fre- uent fashionable and crowded assemblies, it being the only method ladies have of displaying their matehless beauty, and the only possessor in the world of that t art is Mapame Racneg.. It is effected by judicious appliances of Arabian orbs, which give a matchless brilliancy and lustre to the hair, teeth, and com- plexion, rendering woman what she ought to be, beautiful beyond comparison.” It isnot likely that the Emprror Napotzon would have very much ad- mired the ladies of the éli¢e who frequent fashionable and crowded assem- blies, if.it is true that enamelling is the only way they have of displaying their matchless beauty; a beauty which is matchless only insomuch as it isuunmarriageable, and a drug in the matchmarket. Such beauty is precisely matched by the loveliness of a whited sepulchre. If any of the enamelled ladies of the élite are wives of the élite, the élite are not to be envied. A lady whose face wants ing has no business to dress exquisitely, but ought to dress with the plainness which suits her features ; and she cannot look lovely, but may look hideous, and makes herself look so by getting her visage enamelled. To make the insertion of the foregoing recommendation of enamelling, im a paper largely read by fashionable people, pay, the demand for that rocess must be extensive among the female aristocracy. This would an appalling consideration for young noblemen and gentlemen if there were any possibility of mistaking an enamelled old hag for a blooming Scene :—Of the Greatest Excitement. Time :—Within 5 minutes of the Closing of the Poll. Venerable Lady (almogt frantic). Have you got 10’Orphans‘about you | my dear? I want them ever so badly. If you can part with them you must let me have them at any price. Old Maid (looking at her book). Well, then, I want 5 Benevolent | Artists, 4 Distressed Gentlewomen, 6 Incurables, and 3 Decayed | Fishmongers with 2 Club Feet. There, you must get me those before | Saturday next, and you can have my 10 Orphans; but stop, my dear. | As the offer is an extremely moderate one, you must engage also 1 throw me a couple of Idiots in. [As there is no time to be lost, in consequence of the almost imme | diate closing of the poll, the terms are accepted, and the Charity bargain instantly sealed. 2

| | | Clever Generalship. | Jones was reading out aloud from the.newspaper, that there were 10,000 members of the profession to be.met with in the Law List, when |Buown, who had been ruined by the lawyers, exclaimed in the most | emphatic tone, “ Would that there were some general of the present day clever enough to secure the Retreat of those Ten Thousand: | Ah! ” said RoBINsoN. [Area 19, 1862, | CamBrincE said that no question had engrossed public attention | development

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institu- \l for a ut you them evolent pecaye before y dear. also to ; imme , Charity Aprit 19, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 155 | vA ry i Wi oH THE 0. AND C, BY A PINDAR IN A PUNT. O they’ve rowed the Water Derby, 7 ; And the Oxford men have om to accept his congratulations on the Cold, cold the day, ix urbe, ne shone a bit of Sun. e Oxford men are winners, , . And the race was all their own, | Publicans_ offending The stalwart wopping sinners, Some above a dozen stone. Let their names be known in story | Week, conviction was obtained Those heroes of the Oar, . : : Wrwxe and Woopeats shared PUblic-houses in plain cloth With Jacozson and Hoar Poore he. pulled without a on, Carr pulled away like fun, —— = ont thet wen. culated to promote respect for the day Nor was his nob, or top; wood, Their coxon. PwooD, And his weight was seven stone So be kudos theirs, and butter, ance The bloaters Whose welkpnuiled outter ° a . 5 . ¥ | Did the trick in Sixty Two. black, and the seams of the other too often * If he didn’t, we apologise to his laundress, but we must have a rhyme to his friend:in the penultimate line. THE SABBATARIAN POLICE. Mr. Punch begs the Home Secretary manner in which the police of the north- ern district of this metropolis have been performing their duties in ferreting out st the Sunday Act. In the cases of three tavern-keepers — up: for that crime before Mr. ARKER, at Clerkenwell, one day last on the evi- | dence of constables who slunk into the and then themselves and paid for . “Set Z |a thief to catch a thief” is a maxim shirt thatis more than matched by commis- /Sioning officers of justice to instigate | people to violate the law and then. accuse ; them. No proceeding can be better cal- the glory Burton whose observance the Sunday law ,is designed to enforce, for all concerned lin the administration of that law, and for ho was het the Government which presides over | them. his name was) Wim Ho A Seeming Good Question. (BY A POOR POET.) blue ; . . ork Wuat is the difference between a coal- eight-oared pit and a-coat? Why, the’seams of the one: always are | are white, PUNCH: TO: THE: TORIES. (Manifesto.) My Boys, Don’t make Asses of Yourselves. _ As Representative of all parties everywhere, I feel myself specially impelled to give you the above piece of advice at this moment, when it is obvious to me that certain parties are trying to make you take exactly opposite counsel, and you yourselves are by no means disinclined to be ridiculous. Hearken unto me. Pe are told that you have been gaining a good many elections ely. You are told that you have obtained a small majority in the House of Commons ; that is to say, that on a division, if everybody came up to the scratch and voted according to expectation, you might defeat the Government, and make them go out. You are told that all this means that the country desires a Tory Government; that is to say, that we should like to see PatmersTon replaced ia Sane, GiapstonE by Disrazui, Russet by Maumes- BuRY, and RounDELL Parmer by Carens. Now, please hearken unto me. There is no doubt that, by fair means or foul, you have won a good many elections. I do not believe that you have a majority in Parliament, but if you have one it is a —* little one; and certainly not one on whieh a Government could work. But I do believe that if you picked a good quarrel, and DisRaE.i matiaged the battle with tact, you might, with the -aid of some of the ish, manage to place the Government in an awkward position. Your own party, assisted by Popish allies, whom your leader might buy, or indeed force into his zake See — resolution on foreign politics, could probably walk into the lobby stronger than Pam’s lot. He would have to resign, or to offer to do so. Then you would find out how you had been done. The country does not want men in office. Pam would either demand a second trial of strength, when the country would put the screw on the House, and reverse the decision you had obtained, or he would dissolve, and ask the country whether it wants Lory Dersy. Then you would have the answer in a strong pep majority against you, and you would be far worse off than you + Now, don’t be angry and offended. Most of you are good fello | some ~! yon ys good sense. 28 i ie ou could not carry the country before, when you were actually in, and had not only all the usual club bribery at command, but Govern: ment bribery and intimidation into the bargain—your Irish allies sold you, and your own Parliament turned your Dersy out. Mr. DisraEut told you on the Budget debate the other night that the operation was “ neculiar,”’. and the House laughed, not ill-naturedly.. He understands the position, if youdon’t. t : You have not even a recognised daily or, of the slightest weight, and yet you fancy yourselves a Party. Of course I know that there is the dear old Standard, with its feeble paper and feebler writing, and its bald provincial puffing of your notorieties; but even when one’s whitey-brown is exhausted, the Standard seems hardly strong enough for shaving-paper. A Party without an organ ! The English of this is, that we are aLL CoNSERVATIVES. We mean to preserve what good things we have got, and we know that the best way to do so is to improve them, whenever we can. We hold the Constitution on a repairing lease, and we mean to paint, paper, scour, cleanse, glaze, amend and keep the same in proper order, and if a new roof or new out-buildings are wanting, we are not the tenants to be shabby. Your men are not Conservatives, and would be bad tenants. The country knows all about this, and is quite satisfied with Pam, who is a better Conservative than any of yourmen. > If you are wise, you will be content with the situation in which you are placed, and if you are sincere you will rejoice that the country is content with true Conservatism. Don’t let a pack of Tadpoles and Tapers persuade you that your men ought to be in office. You may stop business, bother trade, and agitate the nation, and when all is done, you will find yourselves in a deeper hole than ever. Do not say that I did not warn you. Take things easy, and be patriotic, and let us all go and see the International Exhibition together. Once more, Don’t make Asses of Yourselves. Your affectionate friend, 85, Fleet Street, April 16, 1862. PUNCH. The Pleasantest Picture of Any. A Picture that always maintains its price, and of which the possessor never grows tired, though he can ym meet with a ready purchaser for it at a moment’s notice, is that likeness of the QuEEN, which in- variably sells for a eeepe =! In fact, there are many wealthy holders of this charming picture who are so enamoured of its beauties, that it is only with the -— difficulty they can be prevailed upon to part with it—not, indeed, unless they can get twice what they gave for it. Lanp Socretres :—Wiseacres. | Burtpine Societies :—Bricks.

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———$—_——_., [Apri 19, 1862. | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A MOUNT IN THE MIDLANDS. APRIL,. 1862. DELICIOUS! HOW VULCAN GAVE IRON ARMOUR TO TAURUS.- NEPTUNUS. (FROM PUNCH’S HOMER.) To him the artist-god : “ Each fear resign, Secure, what Vulcan can is ever thine : For thee, O Taurus, will I forge a plate Whose strength might scorn the thunder-bolt of fate ; Much more the Dahlgren ball, or onset rude Of any Swede who ever turnip chewed. Go, and thy sea-nymphs hither send to bring An armour worthy of the ocean-king.” _. Then Taurus went, and thought as he withdrew, That war was foolish and expensive too. But none might blame him, arming to defend His loved Britann1a, freedom’s honoured friend. Sudden a rush of wings, fair forms appear, And silver voices break upon his ear : The Nereids of the deep his eye surveyed, Bearing the arms Vulcanic skill had made. Thalia, Glauce, every watery name, Nescea mild, and gentler Spio came, Cymothee and Cymodoce were nigh, And the blue languish of soft: Alia’s eye. Thoa, Pherusa, Doto, Melita, Agave gentle and Amphithe gay, And dark Janira, and Janassa fair, And Amatheia with her amber hair ; ” If more than these the Limner’s skill makes seen, Hell find more names in J/iad, B. xviii. They brought the Iron Arms, and Taurus, glad, Himself therein impenetrably clad. And “ Now,” he said, “ come on who dares or can, Long ranges, or close quarters, I’m his man.” Tae Attack AND THE DEFENCE.—GLADSTONE’s Budget against DisrakEu’s Hum-budget. ESSAYS AND REMARKS. Apmrration.—Horace was but partially right in preaching Ni/ admirari. To‘admire nothing whatever is far-from being. the one and only rule that can make and keep people happy. The happiest of men is he who thoroughly admires himself. Self-admiration would render a |} woman equally happy if she could be content: with that ;' but’ women |are not satisfied without the admiration of other folks.' Neither are so many menas might be expected to be, from being endowed with the faculty of reason; which distinguishes man from the loweranimals and the fair sex. Indifference to the admiration of others saves you from all unhap- piness. but. what-is caused by poverty, illness,. domestic afiliction, punishment, and the fear of it. A man may admire himself in the mirror with much greater delight than that which a woman derives’ from. the same contemplation of her own beauty, or the ugliness which she mistakes for beauty ; because he may not ‘care whether anybody else admires him or no; but a woman is always uneasy.on that point.. Suppose a man is caught by a number of his acquaintance dancing before a_looking-glass,'as represented in Mr. CrurksHank’s caricature, he will, if regardless of others, feel no vexation, except at being interrupted in his enjoyment, and, if the spectators leave him alone, will perhaps go on dancing. An ill-made, coarse-featured; stupid-looking man, who admires his own person, is as happy in himself. as the finest young fellow in the Grenadier Guards, if he is as well off, and perhaps happier if he does not care how his clothes are made, and has no anxiety about his boots. If you try to be admired, expect to be ridiculed. They who laugh at each other behind one another’s backs laugh at you behind yours. If you are not ridiculed, you will be envied. Very likely you will be ridiculed and envied too. Love of admiration in a wife would be all very well if it centred wholly in her husband; but then she would want to dress every day at home as splendidly as she is drest at evening parties; which would be too expensive for the majority of men: who, as it is, complain that the milliners’ bills which they have to pay are excessive. Toast anp SentTiment.—Our Ironsides—the Navy and Women of England.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aprit 19, 1862. ltt y Nil > and mess. SiS | men ARS \N . y \ = | MY ss feftd)| | ANN omen . a PERE 3 j Veuve Aun ‘ ARRAY anny —— ag So : Mh Ht \ RAW i \ Ma I} : y TaN 8 — light SRS Wn 7 her | A AY 3 ‘ } . \ \ \ f\ nay | WW SN VY Lane : f WS er of is WAN N ARMING NEPTUNE.

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| | whose presence Mr. | such a sea of figures as would have clearly overwhelmed an actor of soul for music would not give his ears to hear the combination? I Arn 19, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 159 OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. BAR PuncH, : “T rurwx while the St, Stephens theatre is open you cannot have much room for myremarks about the others; and so I shall con- tent myself through- | g, out the Session with giving you a letter once a month or so, and recording only the more striking of the pieces which may chance tobe brought out. What is pro- duced at the St. Stephens’ house is doubtless of more uence jin- terest to the.nation even than a P Pe or a Bawn, and ‘I make no doubt that the sayings of Lorp! PALMERSTON are} | looked for still more } Bor eagerly than those of Lord Dundreary. Its patrons must however be somewhat disappointed to find, from the prospectus issued by the manager, that t are but.few novelties in prospect at this house, and that = seems to promise ‘to be a roa ly weber late = — er actor, Mr. y playing his pee ay x the Wind, has-failed in warming up his audience from the apathetic coldness with which all efforts to excite them have been hitherto received. Strange as.it must doubtless have appeared to old habitués, but little interest was awakened by the drama of Zhe Budget, or How to Settle Accounts with your Chancellor of the Exchequer, which was revived the other night before the fullest house this season, in Gtapstone took a most tremendous header into hen strength. 4 ‘sd ts are now reviving,’ footie wind minj ana ea To hear the Swedish Nightingale : ‘ —whose sweet throat, it is whispered, is next"month to "be ‘ delightful to the ravished sense,’ of Jenny-loving London. But alas! in vain I search through Mr. Gre’s prospectus for her name, although Roserto and La Fg lia are both to be revived. Might not a petition, signed by Mr. F as the mouthpiece of All. pers her to exhibit in this year of Exhibition, her i I I ous creations of operatic art ? To hear Jenny Luwp accompanied by Mr. Costa’s band was a treat we were denied when she was s on the stage, and who that has a know is a rumour. about. her M. Orzo, anda music hall. If true, were some’ for there is somebody to whom Jenny Linn’s ~ d would, I an an e) “Meanwhile, the nightingales of Italy have winged again their flight to us ; as this Exhibition year is a year of hee pas or se the Battle of the Operas will this year again be fought. Guwerat Mapue- son has issued orders to his army, bidding them assemble at Her Majesty’s on Saturday the 26th. Genera Gre has, however, been the first to take the field, and as. his forces are still under the command of Carratn Costa, we may be pretty sure of the success of their campaign. It augured well, I thought, that Rosstn1 took the pas of Verpi the first night; and lovers of good music must surely have tejoiced to see how William Teli was relished by that crowded au- dience. I hardly saw a single vacant box or stall, and, while the music Was proceeding, there was scarcea single face that showed a vacant look. Say what sceptics may, we English are improving in our taste for music; and men like Mx. Gre, who hold a musical command, wil do Well to note the fact, and assist in our improvement. Friends or Foes at the St. James’s, and the World of Fashion, played at. the ieain, are two pleasant little pieces, both taken from the French, am ar more to my noe ae the picturesque slow- gee: » for which ‘our lively neigh 3” entertain such love. might really be inclined to put some faith in homeopathy, were its kilful, ready-witted, and well-bred, as the young doctor sin reer per am and Sowever much, as'fox- the :act picide va which the curtain may ' falls, we cannot but be pleased to see a happy ending brought so sud-| Chancery sevawied by means:ef phosphorus on a Medinm’s bared denly a) ut. As for the Olympic, when I say that a Court Milliner is ii is , make your lady-readers anxious for ‘o stamp this in our memory as ‘an Menus Mirabilis, the Lory tovelear i (Friday properly excepted) to keep open ‘their doors. Ho Casinos, 8, i per-rooms y ‘public pleasures the more than he wills it during Lent. vacuus—that is to say, | the heroine of the play, and that the to see her on her throne—I mean sitting in pon ~ een fo ry a pane in the chope may apy out some new fashion for a ‘ CHAMBERLAIN has graciously been away'the interdicts | of Cant, and to suffer all the theatres amsthe week preceding Easter ow many a r actor will thank him for ‘his -co' making this wise ch a in no sneer letting the i Roos P ging up the only; teouphost iy Week! | It is no small loss to a manager to lose a -wesk’s receipts, and sti | can a poor actor bear the loss of a week’s salary, compelling him to fast Cox, the empty head will.caut-a-bit; but I put very little faith in suc old obsolete de viees for making folks eae as this of pas ping theatres all shut up during Passion Week, dancing shops and | cancert-rooms were flaring in fallforee. “Ons wwe Pars.” “PS. I mast jushadd a wordof thanks to Me.;\Geauan Reep for | » smart rap ne ikke omaboden my bright new ames t. | ‘0 see a it visibly embodied, coolly smoking a cigar, a fantasia tom fashionable airs (such ae Gnaat Soasition and the Perfect Cure), is surely far more ining than to hear ‘one’s old dead friends raeath table to misspell their own names, | or-4o seethe words ‘Jouy Surru,’ or else ‘ Betmxpa Brown’ faintly arm.” A ROMAN HOLIDAY: . daring “to spublish the pastoral whichiammounced the intended eclebration of the tercentenary of the massacre of 4,000 unarmed enots in cold-bleedand violation sof mg. onthe day of Pentecost, the 17th of (May, 1562,at Téalouse, all honour to the Archbishop ‘of that see. Consistency ‘forvever! All-honour to the Pore for not having: ‘the pastorabuof his consistent prelate. This‘was none-of your hypocritical effusions ef. i Christian love and compassion for poor lost:sheep. was a bold yin- dicationwf what, aceording tothe Archbishop’s creed, and the creed of the}RonratSee, has its publication, is an act of faith, but what the world in generat-ealls an act of murder. : The French \Government ‘has gong the celebration of the Massacre of ‘St.'Bartholomew the Less, so to s whieh the brave old Archbishop intended to commemorate. Herein it has perhaps acted with prudence. It is possible that enemies and of the Saints, if there are any in Toulouse, would have hissed the holy man, and pelted him at the head of his procession with rotten eggs ; thus converting ‘the triumph of the Church into a profane ovation. The disapproval, however, of the contemp! ceremony, which has been published in the Moniteur, must of course be understood with due reservation. The ArncuBisHor oF TouLouse and the Holy See have adopted the Huguenot massacre of 1562—are what we wretched heretics call accessories after the fact. The ex-Kinc or Napies sub- sidises the Neapolitan brigands; the Porg. harbours the ex-Kine or Naptes, and French troops uphold the Pops. The Emperor oF THE Frencu cannot be consid serious in censuring the ARCHBISHOP OF —w, whilst his arms maintain the temporal power of the Hony 'ATHER, CURIOSITIES OF NATURAL HISTORY.’ Sm Epwin Lawxpszer, who recently appeared before the public ine new suit, is now, it appears from Ma. Cowrgr’s statement, “ st the habits of the Lion.” The best pla~z for pene go the habits of the latter, would be, we should say, not the Zoolo; » but rat some fashionable haunt, like the Horticultural Gardens, where Lions most do congregate, and where you can admire them in all the splendour of their bran-new habits, still lustrous from the master-touch of either Buckmaster or Poote. So dilatory is Sir Epwsw over his commis- sion, that we would recommend Apmrrat {Watcort ‘to t to the House that Junes-Gérarp, the notorious Algerian ¢ueur de lions, should be appointed in the talented but procrastinating R.A.’s stead, for it is well-known that Monsteur Juues-is the readiest hand of any | | one of the present day in having a brash with a lion, and besides has the knack of bringing down the greatest number imthesmatlest possible space of time. It would only be a morning’s work for him to knock you up the four that are wanted for that most-unfinished work of art in the metropolis, the Netson’s CoLumy—whieh, unfinished as it has long been, is-placed, inappropriately enough, in the society of that “ finished gentleman in Europe,” Gzoree tHe Fourtu. Tue Latest (ann THE Greatest) Act oF Lacan Reroru.— Lane is: closed !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprit 19, 1862, | —— | ——=_- Bw ELA: St dat L7Z | MAXIM FOR EXHIBITION. | Apart from the various mechanical implements dis. | | play ed at the International Exhibition, attention js | | invited by a wonderful moral saw. Above the space to | | be occupied by Mr. O’Connor’s stained glass you will | | find these words :— ‘* The progress of the human race, resulting from the,common labour of all men, ought to be the final object of ‘the labour of | each individual.” | There is be denying this exactly, inasmuch as there | is no precisely understanding it. The progress of the | human race; what does that mean ?—progress in the | arts and sciences only, or moral and spiritual progress also? Because the moral and spiritual progress of the human race does not result from the common labour of all men, but from the uncommon labour of inspired and master-minds. If human pro ess, in the widest sense of the word, ought to be the nal “object of individual labour, it certainly is not. The final object of the labour of almost every individual is, in point of fact, his own aggrandisement. The Great Exhibition owes all the treasures it contains to the acquisitiveness of the | individuals who have produced them. An inscription | proposing the progress of mankind as the proper o ae of personal exertion is very appropriate in such a build- ing certainly; just as a legend inculcating sobriety ou uld be in its right place over the door of a public. | ouse. | A Split in the Camp. | We see, from the “ Literary Intelligence” ¢ the | various papers, that a large portion of the staff of the | Saturday Review have carried their pens and gall-bags over to the London Review. Well, do you think there will be learning and ill-nature enough for two papers? We don’t know about the former ? Truly Offensive Taxes. } } gale | Tue duty on playing cards has been reduced solely | |for a moral reason. Nobody complained of it, or is| |relieved by its reduction. The CHANCELLOR OF THE | NO FOLLOWERS ALLOWED. ** Love will find out the way.”—Old Ballad. EXCHEQUER would no Legg take tribute of gambling. | The money smelt. For the same reason Mr. GLap- | sToNE will doubtless next abolish the tax on Quack | | Medicines. PULL ARMSTRONG, PULL ADMIRALTY. | A PROBABLE CHRONOLOGY. 1860. Mr. Armstrone, of Newcastle-upon-Tyne, Ordnance that will knock any ship to pieces. He is Admiralty is benighted. 1861. The Admiralty recovers, and invents iron ships that resist any | known cannon- 1862. Srz WILLIAM ARMSTRONG invents a gun that smashes the Iron | i into blacksmithereens. The Admiralty collapses. 1863. The Admiralty re-expands and invents Platina Ships fastened with diamona cement, and Sir Wiitiam ARMsTRONG’s balls fly to pieces like bon-bons Mr. Guapstone doubles the Income-Tax. 1864. Sin WinLiam TRONG invents Brazen Thunderbolts (su posed to be the original Jupiters) and in a pleasing experiment cans the greater part of the British Fleet to the bottom of the sea. 1865. The ape | invents an do vessels which sail under water, and below any ran guns. ILLIAM ARMSTRONG tears his hair and swears in the Roe eae dial dialect. 1866. Smrk Wittiam ArMstkonG invents a Vertical gun that dis- charges Greek fire straight down, and_a second time he destroys the greater part of the British fleet. "The Lords of the Admiralty are about to oy themselves, when a thought strikes them, and they don’t. Mr. GLADSTONE again doubles the Income-Tax. 1867. Dr. Cumminc, who has for some weeks been having in his coals by the sack only, suddenly proclaims the Millennium. As there is now to be peace everywhere, ‘the Admiralty does not invent anything, but waits to see. In order to test Dr. Cummine’s veracity, and to find out whether lions | will lie down with kids, the Zoological Society (against the advice of their excellent Secretary, Mr. Sciater) lets loose their biggest lion invents Rifled | knighted and the | } } | } | while a charity school is in the Gardens. As the lion, instead of lying | down with a kid, only lies down to oa him, the Admiralty thinks there | is some mistake somewhere, and determines ’to invent a new fleet. Mr. GLADSTONE once more doubles the Income-Tax. 1868. The Admiralty invents a Stone Fleet, with cork keels, ant | defies Srrk Witt1am ARMSTRONG. 1869. Smx Wiit1amM Armstrone invents the Hannibal, or Alp- Shell, | which contains the strongest vinegar, and melts the Stone ships. Having | | for the third time destroy ed the British Fleet, he is raised to the peerage as Lorp Boms. 1870. The Admiralty invents an Aérial Fleet, which sails in the | clouds, out of shot range, and the First Lord takes a double sight at Sir Witt1am ARMSTRONG. Mr. Guapstove a fourth time doubles the Income-Tax. 1871. Lory Boms invents a Balloon battering-train, and in at experimental discharge brings down all the British fleet into the German ocean. 1872. The Admiralty, in desperation, invents a Subterranean Fleet, which is to be convey ed by tunnels to all the Colonies, but Mk. | GuapsTonE blandly suggests that as everybody now pays twice his income in taxes, the peop ple may object to further imposts unless some proof of economy is given. Government therefore stop the pensions of a hundred superannuated clerks, discharge some extra night-porters at the Treasury, and bring 12 | Estimates for the Subterranean Fleet. 1873. Lorp Boms invents his Ty aes, or Earthquake Shells, | and suffocates the British Fleet in the ‘Tasmania Tunnel. Mr. Guapstone a fifth time doubles the Income-Tax 1874. The Emperor or THE FRENcH prociaims the Millennium, | which of course immediately occurs, no more warships are wanted, and | the collectors remit the quarter’s Income-Tax not yet due. Lox Bos invents his V felems Patwerte i in honour of the occasion, and b; - some accident burns up the Public. — eo

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or is ? THE bling. GLAD- Quack lying | there 3, and Shell, | faving | erage | n the} ght at | } | in an} o the Fleet, | ; Mk. | ce his some | | uated | ring In | Shells, | nium. ee Avni 19, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 161 PROFESSOR BLACKIE’S SENTENCE OUT OF HIS OWN MOUTH. T the Leith Industrial School, Proresson BuackteE called the reporters “his greatest enemies.” And why were they his enemies ? Because they took down every word he said. He confessed he talked “nonsense ””—which for a man, like Proressorn BLACKIE, with more than his fair share of |. . Caledonian conceit, is a most \~ wonderful confession to make :— “Now (he said, addressing the re- porters), don’t take that nonsense down —(renewed laughter)—use a little discre- tion—the nonsense is the ‘best part of it here, but the worst of it when it goes abroad. ¢ )” ever does sugh @ ye when he talks nonsense? blame A the reporters; audtall them his = We “ cnemies?” Doesn't the remedy Swen rest ratherwith himself than aN with them? If) instead of telling them touse “a little discretion,” R\\\ he exercused "a ‘little more him- self, heneed not stand ‘so much in es of them. — : = simply consists’ in ‘his stalking sense. ‘To besure, wearetaking it for granted that such a remedy is within the reach of the Professor,:for:we must acknow- ledge he has never yet given us any proof of it. His great forée, asadtas, also. aceording to his admission, his great weakness, seems to be to talk nothing but momsemse. é Poor reporters, they are doubly to be pitied! Not only are they comdemmned to listen to ProressoR BLACKIg’s § ut they are, also, doomed to .be abused-afterwards for reporting a If they did neither, we are inclined to think that the world would continue to go round. ° THE PECULIARITIES OF A"SMOKY CHIMNEY. Iv a lodging-house, the following peculiar characteristics are pretty sure to be found connected with a smoky chimney :— “This is the first complaint that has ever been made about it.” “Tt’s very strange! It never was known to smoke before!” _ “Tt only smokes when the wind is in a particular direction” (that direction being generally all points of the compass). a : “Tf the front kitchen door is only opened a bit, it will soon give over smoking.” “It’s all owing to Janz not knowing how to light the fire. That foolish girl will never follow the instructions that are given her. Why she persist in laying the coals at the bottom, and the wood on the top?” ; “The trath is, the chimney is a little damp from the quantity of rain that has lately fallen. Only be patient with it five minutes, and it will soon give over.” 2 it want sweeping? Oh! Lor bless you—no, Sir—it’s as clean ‘as you are—why it a ee ee " “Tt is very troublesome to sure!” (This is when the room is as full of smoke as it can hold.) “If you can throw all the windows and doors open only for a quarter of an hour, you'll find it Fo as sweetly as possible. It never does pull properly, until, it has fully warmed up to its work.” — “The cause of its smoking is, because you put on too many coals, Sir. You shouldn’t put on more than a handful atia time.” (Of course, thisis when you pay a specified sum per week for what they call “ firing.” “It always is the case, Sir, when they’re taking up the gas-pipes in the street opposite. The reason is, you see, Sir, it creates too sfeeng ® raught!’ [ many other reasons, equally ingenious, and true, Geography Corrected. Tue World, we were told at school, is divided into four quarters. This is all very well for any one who is at id, either by birth, or association, to a particular country, but your mopolitan, your true Citizen of the World, soars far above such narrow limits or notions. He is able to find his quarters in any part of the globe, wherever he may be. NEAT AND APPROPRIATE. pUONSIDERING the value of Capram Coxes’s new castles, or cupolas on board ship, funch suggests that if that officer is to be knighted, it should be under the designation Sm Newcastiz Coxzs.” Navat Racine Inre.iicence.—Brirannta inas entered her Sea-horses for the Plate. THE DAYS WHEN WE WORE STRAPS, In the days when we wore straps, MELBOURNE ruled the commonweal, Taking—we were then young c Turns with WELLINGTON and $ Most of all our rising men Puling in their nurses’ laps : Some were not in bei In the days when we wore straps. Railways were a wonder ‘new; In those days, beneath the sun; Old stage-coaches, one or two, Did continue still to ran. Telegraphic wires‘were not ; Several days had tovelapse Ere our foreign news’we'got, In the days when wewore straps. Indian-robber then wasdear, % eg oa not yet known See o rare thing was strong beer, Brewed with malt and alone; of — the likeness flows rom but few e taps ; None did bitter slo\amieant” Tn the days when werwore straps. neler chin was shorn. ving 0 UNTZ, perhaps, Basle none but yd oe were worn Tn the days when we wore straps. Sides of ladies, robe and skirt Moderate of dimensions, clad, Filled no doorway, swept no dirt ; Petticoats had not gone mad. Hideous hoops revived we’ve seen, Hoops, to hinder their collapse ! Folly wore’no Crinoline In the days when we wore straps. Then Retrenchment was the word ; Estimates afforded room For the censures, duly heard, Of unflinching Josspn Hume. Fleets and troops we durst reduce, In our armour leaving gaps ; Tronsides were not in use In the days when we wore straps, Peace, if Plenty did not rei Britain’s isles with safety blest ; Treland only, and insane Chartists, troubled England’s rest. Tranquil were the United States ; France to change her neighbours’ maps Sought not at those distant dates, In the days when we wore straps, Then, as we were wont to boast, Was the schoolmaster abroad, Whipping every witch and ghost Into nothing with his rod. Spirits, under tables heard, _ Through a “‘ Medium,” gi raps, Would have been thought too In the days when we wore straps. Thess _ things of every — ere not, as at c 5 Folks of a contuned le , Moderate means would better keep ; What they did not throw away, They could save, against ; With no Income-Tax to pay In the days when we wore straps.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ——_., [Aprit 19, 1863 “A CONSUMMATION :DEVOUTLY TO BE WISHED.” Mrs. Colley Wobble. “H’m, so THEY ARE GOING TO Tax PEOPLE THEIR OWN BEER, ARE THEY! THEN J DON’T BREW ANY MORE!” INDIGNATION MAKING VERSES. We have received a very indignant letter from a American Correspondent, who states that in his opinion Poets have no right to compose verses which will not lend themselves to spaeatonss. _He has been trying, he says, all the morning, (and with his coat off,) to fit the Laureate’s Balaklava Poem to the subject of the Advance of the Grand Army of the Potomac, and in a perfect fury he encloses this specimen, as all that he has been able.to make of it. He considers that the conduct of the English at Balaklava in ane. oy Six Hundred, and that of the Laureate in not making verses that would do for the far more glorious Six Hundred Thousand, are perfectly offensive, and he threatens that when the South is put down, we shall hear more about it. Meantime we hasten to try and assuage his fiery wrath by printing his lines. THE VALLEY OF MUD. Into the Valley of Mud'* Went the Six. Hundred Thousand, All of them awfully Splashing their Trousers. Officers on the right of them, Officers on the left of them, Officers in the middle of them, egy *: thundered a ut in that Virginian mu Stiffly each hero stuck, And all at M‘Creu1ian’s pluck Gloriously wondered. In they went, on they went, Fat sides and thin bones, ill they sunk over shoes, And indeed over their shin bones. Here our Correspondent, apparently in the same case as the heroes he celebrates, sticks. We can but print his verses. No Foundation for Alarm. Tue Thames Embankment is to be built out of City Coals.. This proves that. there-is:no: apprehension of the Board of Works ever“ setting the Thames on fire. Don’t you see it? We can’t help that. - WHO MAKE ZopiacaL SiGN FOR THE British Fizet.—The Ram. PITY THE SORROWS OF A POOR PYTHONESS. ’Op rot the British public, thanks to whom my eggs have rotted, Not. one of all my: brood preserved, except the one they ’ve potted! And that’s a half-grown thing, that’ gives impression false as may be Of the true length; breadth, and thickness of a new-born Python baby. Zoology ’s a great thing, but humanity ’s a greater ; Just let me get a chance, some day, of squeezing Dr. SciaTER ! The coil that I’d keep about him, some small return should be, For the coil that he’s been keeping these eight months about me. We snakes have sensibilities, and when we’re in the state A Pythoness would fain be in-who loves her Python mate, We've a horror of intrusion, from such scientific noddies, As your A.S.S. and fellows of other learned bodies. All a snake-mother asks is peace to warn and range and rank its Precious ovarian treasure, safe and snug, beneath the blankets. But if folks keep pulling, poking, peeping, prying, fiddle-faddling, It will end, as it Aas ended, sure as eggs is eggs, in addling. Think what it is, when wrapped in dreams of Pythonacles in embryon, With this vile Iba lish spring, too, drawing chilly and Novembry on,) 'o have one’s blanket whipped off by a fellow, come to get his Reading off of one’s vital heat, from his ZamBRa AND NEGRETTI’s.” Or when lapped in trance lethargic, and beatific vision, Of tropic suns and tropic skies and jungle-heat Elysian, . With sudden chill to wake, and feel British north-easter blowin’ Round one’s bare coils, unblanketted, to please Prorzssor OWEN. The end of all is, I lie here, unblessed—of all my batch Not so much as one Pythonacle brought to a prosperous hatch ! * The great thermometer-makers. And all because those fellows—those sot-disant men of science, On time and kindly nature are too clever for reliance. Like boys, who when they ’ve sowed a seed, still of its progress doubting, Will pull it up from time to time, to see if it is sprouting, So you in your.anxiety to-see my Pythons small, Have poked and pulled and fingered me, till you’ve got none at all. It serves you right, of course it does—but think of me forlorn, Who captive here see chilling night succeed to sunless morn ; Think of the thrill that swept me through—as the electric fire Pulses, with speed that mocks the light along the cable-wire, When first I felt the stirrings blend, beneath my scaly skin, That told me of the mother’s work at length begun within ; Think of my pride, my happiness, when, guerdon of my toils, A hundred clustered eggs lay warm beneath my loving coils ! And now—hard-hearted fellows—but what use in these revealings ? As if you men would credit a Pythoness with feelings ! Sermons in stones there may be, e’en a slate turn pulpit-prater, But in a slate who ’d seek for heart, and, still more in a SctaTER? Hey, Preston, Begone! Preston has been electing a Member ; that is, both sides have been bribing and treating their hardest, with the understanding that neither was to prosecute, and the longest purse, the Tory one, has won. An the place calls itself “‘ Proud-Preston.” Soi¢. Let it retain the name, and be treated, Parliamentarily, as a doctor treats proud flesh. DirFeRENCE BETWIXT (Sea) Cups oF aN Ox Lanp) Brock sy Lanp anp Sea.—Coxzs’s Ironsides in 1862 and CromwELls Tronsides in 1642. a Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn and Frederick Mubett E Priore at thels Ofics in Lombard treet, Lendon.—Satvuapar, April 19, 162, Place, of No.1 es Middlesex, , ia the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of 2 a, and Published by them at No, 85, Fleet Street, ia the Parish of St. Bride, in the City of , Road West, Regent’s Park. both in the Parish of St, Pancras, in the County of thse Pom rAd a hee O DO eM e OR eat Ot oe eee eNO | Dower ak

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Aprit 26, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 163 A TRIFLING CHRONOLOGICAL ERROR. Our Veteran mistakes one of the new Iron-plated Frigates for Noah's Ark, by Jingo! VIVAT REGINA! On Maundy Thursday pam J the customary Royal charities distributed at Whitehall, there was a number of white purses, each white purse contain- ing the “ Maundy coin,” namely, fourpenny, three- penny, twopenny, and penny pieces in_ silver, amounting together to forty-three pence, the age of Her Most Gracious cv Se the Quzzn. We wish we may live to record a distribution of~ these purses some years hence, and then be enabled to state that each of them contained eight-and-four- pence. A Peace Preserver. We understand that the Peace Society has or- ganised a subscription for the purpose of having a monster iron vessel with several cupolasconstructed by Caprarn Cores, their intention being to present it to Government with a request that it may be stationed at Spithead, and be called the John Bright Floating Battery. beautiful and interesting figure portraits, I find none more entitled to admiration + LET GLASGOW FLOURISH.” | than those that have been painted by Farp, by Mittais, by Pxiuip, by Noet Paton, _Giascow, we believe, claims to be considered the capital of Scotland, vice Edinburgh. Glasgow rests its claim to the honour, we are further given to understand, upon its enormous population, its well-kept Cathedral, its splendid supply of water from tak Katrine, the awfully tall stalk of a chemist’s works, an erection which is either 400 or 4000 | feet high, and the most wickedly tempting Luacheon House in which a man ever spoiled his dinner. These are not bad claims to the position demanded, and as we—in common with,the world—like to heap wealth | upon the rich, we will suggest another basis on which Glasgow may rest its claim. It seems to have an appreciation for something better than mere trade, though that is a hing too. We perceive by the Glasgow Herald that there has been a large gathering, headed by one of the Members for the city, to do honour to an individual, and to pre- sent him with his Bust. Of course this individual was the DuxKE or BrazMore, or the Marquis or Mossc1eL, or Srr Duncan MacsPLev- CHAN, or Tue Toppre or Toppiz. No such thing. Then it was some highly opulent gentleman of private renown. It was Battie BawBEE or Counciutor Happock, or Suerirr Sawiie. Again no such thing. Then it was a thunderous ster of the Kirk, or a U.P. celebrity, the Rev. Davi M‘Catviy, or the Rev. Gowan M‘Sappatn. Again | wrong. The party to whom honour was done in this way, a way usually reserved in Scotland, and in that part of the kingdom of Scotland called England, for Swells by birth or by accumulation, was simply a Painter. Yes, just that. An Artist-body, Dante, Macyeg of the Royal Scottish Academy. There seems to have been much sound | sense talked by the speakers, but had their orations been far worse than they were, the fact, that in a commercial metropolis, the chief men of the synagogue are moved to assemble to do honour to a Mere Artist, would have been eloquent enough. But that it may be seen | at Glasgow is quite in earnest in its art enthusiasm, and that this is | no mere sentimental spurt in favour of a friend, here is a bit from the | speech of the excellent and accomplished Suerirr BeL1 :— « | “When I look abroad at the present state of art in this country, I find that what | commonly talked of as the English school, and it is a very eminent school, should | y be called the Scottish school—{hear, hear) | Pt apeeeney I find that in every department of art the most eminent artists belong to | - country. (Applause.) en I visit the exhibition of the Royal Academy in ; ndon, and look round its walls for the most beautiful and interesting portraits, Her that they are painted by Sir Jno. Watson Gorpon, the President of the § yal Scottish Academy, by FRANCIS Grant, by Granam GILBERT, by MACNEE, by WiNToN, and by other eminent Scotchmen. (Cheers.) When I look for the most is with great truth and aceuracy of by Geo. Harvey, and by Lacper. (Applause.) When I look to the landscapes, I see no landscape more inspired with poetical beauty, more full of everything that delights the eye in landscape than the landscapes of | Horatio MaccuLLocu—(cheers) —and I often find by his side, at least not far from him, what I may call the archi- tectural landscapes of another great and most eminent Scotchman, and an old friend of Macnee’s, Davip Roberts.” We are not going to quarrel with any part of this statement (Mr. Mittais, we believe, is from that part of Scotland called Jersey), but upon consideration, it appears to us that perhaps Glasgow is going to put in a claim to be the capital of England. In that case we beg to make terms at once—anything is better than fighting. We will com- romise, and surrender Edinburgh to Saint Mungo, conditionally on ie allowed to hold our own. But, meantime, Mr. Punch rejoiceth to see so wholesome a state of feeling in Glasgow, and regards Mr. Ewrne’s bust of Mr. Danret Macnee as a memorial not only of an admirable artist, but of honour paid to Art. PROMOTION WELL EARNED. ConsIDERING what a rich reward may be obtained by acting tolerably well on the stage, we wonder to see what a comparatively poor recom- pense usually awaits a performer of great excellence in actual life. We suppose, however, that some good thing is in store for the meritorious officer named in the subjoined extract from the Army and Navy Gazette :— “« We are gratified to find that it is the intention of the Government to recommend Caprain Brown, the Registrar-General of Seamen to the QuEEN, for some mark of her Gracious Majesty’s approbation for the distinguished services he has rendered to the country in connection with that admirably working institution, the Royal Naval Reserve.” CommoporE Brown’s exertions, literary and professional, have raised him to the eminence which he now occupies, and we rejoiced to hear that he was about to occupy one a peg higher. The honour which has been conferred upon Captain Brown, will, we trust, be attended with a slice of that solid pudding without which empty praise, or — equally empty, is as worthless as the paper of the United tates. A Sequitur.—Jack ouglit to revive his pig-tail, now he is to go the whole Hog-in-armour. VOL, XLII, 8

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ——s [Aprit 26, 1862, A REVISED CODE FOR BOARDING SCHOOLS... E have lately heard, Mr. Punch, nearly as much about National Education as we have about National De- fenees. If any subject can be more interest- ing than the education of charity children, it is perhaps the educa- tion of our own. Were all schoolmasters to be paid for results, we should some of us find the schooling of our youth come compara- tively cheap. young gentle- man in whose studies I am interested, be- tween nine and ten, has been supposed to be for the last two ears learning Latin. had eccasion, the other day, ‘to ask him aboutihic, Aac, hoc, and found that +his ideas on that subject were of the vaguest kind. He could mot even tell me the lish for hoc at all. This was not af- fected ignorance. He knew what Musa was Latin for, and Dominus, but not Magister. He _ told me all he knew. In the education of this young gentleman the rod has been entirely dispensed with. You will suggest that its moderate use might have increased his erudition. I think not. Nor is he a young dunce; but only rather idle and inattentive. Severe and merciless flogging might have made him learn a litle more ; and detest learning for ever. “ I wish to propose a plan of tuition whereby the young idea may be taught to shoot inde- pendently of Pirchen tavigs ; these being left to flourish on the parent tree, or properly applied in the shape of brooms. f ; * All people, not idiots, will learn what they needs must, in order to live. I would have boys obliged to earn not exactly their bread, but their bread-and-butter. Performance of tasks should be the necessary condition to enjoyment of butter, and not only enjoyment of butter, but also enjoyment of pudding, or pie, or anything whatever more savoury than bread and meat, and skyblue. Any lesson remaini earned, no luxury allowed. “The discipline of a school would thus resemble that of a workhouse, with. this difference, that the latter is simply penal and vindictive, like that of a place dissimilar to a workhouse chiefly in being open not only to the Pauper, but also to the Rich Man. Besides the school-system would afford a place of ee to the defaulter, which the workhouse does not, any more than the other place. Privation would cease on the instant of amendment. Moreover there would be no stint as to The t of nourishment; no semi-starvation. _ portion of indolence would be a coarser Since, r ind of food, indeed, but enough of that. however, a coarser kind of food is more filling than a daintier, it is altogether more im economical. Therefore I should think the dietetic system of school discrplme must commend itself especially to principals of Classical, Mathematical, and Commercial Academies, Establishments, and Boarding Schools in general, whose profits are in chief part derived from boarding young gentlemen, remarkable for an alacrity at alimentary consumption much exceeding their appetite for knowledge. “ As a friend of education, especially desirous of having youth well grounded in the rudiments of learning, permit me to subscribe myself, + 4.3. OF ABD-EL-KADER AND HIS HORSE. Asp-rt-Kaper has been presenting to the Emprror Napro.zon a most wonderful Arabian colt, ‘whose pedigree can be traced fifty generations back, and pure from any crossing.” ‘This is very kind of the exiled Emir. We recollect how in the Algerian wars with Louis Purmiprr, App-EL-KapEr’s horse was being continually shot in the bulletins. The French always got near enough to shot the Arab chief’s horse, but they could never get sufficiently near to apprehend the Arab chief himself: though one would imagine that, when a rider’s horse had been shot under him, it would be no very difficult matter to capture the rider! Why, the number of Anp-e1t-Kaper’s horses killed in that long war must have been ~— fully to the number of bulletins issued. We wonder that the equine race was not wholly exterminated in the neighbourhood of the Kabyles. However, the above gift proves App-el-Kaper to be an extremely grateful man. He displays the best form of titude—forgiveness of Yong injuries, Though the French took hundreds and hundreds of orses, literally, from under him, he is not > oe sending them the best one he can find inreturn, Generosity, now, is his only cheval de bataille, We see that the description says that this wonderful colt is “pure from any crossing.” In this respect, it may be said to woven the streets of Paris, which are also “pure from any crossings,” though much cannot said for their purity in consequence, for itis almost impossible, in rainy weather, to cross the muddy Boulevards. The crossing-sweeper as a civilising agent has never been introdnced into the French metropolis. If it were not for the length of the ladies’ dresses, the streets of Paris would never be swept at all after five o’clock in the morning. The best thing is to wait, until you see a lady going over to the other side of the way, and then to follow close behind her. You will find the road-way swept cleaner than by any broom. ROGUES OF THE WORLD. (4 Bellow.) My hand is ever in my pocket, And ever out again as fast ; My war-bill, like an endless rocket, Mounts up, but mounting grows more vast, | No sooner am I out of trouble, And thank my stars that plague is gone, When, quick, a new woe costs me double: Que down, another still comes on. I had to reconstruct my Navy, When canvas was deposed by steam ; I poured my riches forth like gravy, And then indulged a pleasing dream That now ’twas all my safety needed ; But here I’m forced, too sanguine then, Since iron wood has superseded, To reconstruct it o’er again. My plans of progress all are undone By mere demands for self-defence. How I should like to rebuild London! And might, except for that expense. How fain the arts of use and beauty _ Would I pursue, my huge police Not forced to keep on constant duty, Against the world to guard my peace! I do not care a straw for glory ; IT hate and scorn the brutes who do; Have no increase of territory, No gain at others’ loss, in-view. I seek no pretext or occasion To vindicate a tyrant’s cause ; I meditate no base invasion Of neighbours’ liberties and laws. Then why, oh why, with execration Do foreign nations load my name, And my supreme humiliation Approaching, evermore proclaim ? Why go exhausting their resources To injure me with effort vain ? Superior still I make my forces ; ; And where they were they there remain. I can but form one supposition ; And that the heart within me grieves. Why they all compass my perdition Is, I have wealth and they are thieves. The more I thrive, the more I flourish, The more I must expect to spend, . My goods, against the rogues who nourish Designs against me, to defend. Easter Amusements. A Baxquer is to be given to the O’Doroent? | at Thurles shortly after Easter. The greates'| treat is anticipated. It is the only burlesque ¥*| shall go to this season. | —

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Aprit 26, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 165 ESSAYS AND REMARKS. cE.—It is not true that ever woman always objects to tell her age. Some women will readily own their age when they have lived to be 80 or 90 years old, and have given | up the expectation of being married if single, or of getting re married if their husbands ddie. A very aged lady who has sense enough to know'tl:at she can, and could un any circumstances, no longer hope for a wooer, will evem spontaneously proclaim er ay hem that informa- tion is likely to elicit the remark, that she is a wonder- ful womam her age, if she is: so young- _Age is generally called venerable, and con- sidered ridiculous. Small boys are apt, as it were by instinct, to make faces behind the backs of: their aged relatives and preceptors, some of whom, if they catch them doing so, are so in- censed as to scold them, making, themselves, in their fury, faces still more grotesque. Men to whom age brings wisdom, which it does not pen, Bee everybody, will, if their dispositions are dly and genial, cheerfully acquiesce in that appointment of nature whereby the tem- porary absurdities of their external appearance enable them, like toys, or figures of fun, to afford innocent but short-lived amusement to simple. minds. BISHOP GARIBALDI FOR POPE. Ovr friend Garrpacpr had often shown that he knows how to charge the enemy, but it was but the other day that he prov his fitness to charge the clergy. In the course of his Italian looking mistaken for a child. She | add will not if she looks very not nearly so old as people looks. A girl who, if she much older would Tres! TeLecrapH ! New NumBer or Puxcm!” fast enough, unless she looks old enough to be considered Age, in meat, is corrected by cookery ; old fowls: are: best curried or woman that is no chicken should dress themsel ; Stained hair and whiskers set off a withered face the wrong way, so decrepitude, whereas, if the fool who = them had let have characterised it with dignity. old her ves. accordingly, like old them alone, their natu or lady, weazing a the matter of taste might as well eat bacon with roast beef, or mint-sauce: wi as to be liable to be | Visitation, the excellent Bisnor Sy ay ressing a of worthy priests, said, “ mind telling: her age | have had to denounce the evil priests of Rome, old, but 1s but what have L tosay to you? You teach the ‘ord, and enforce their duties upon them.” We have some good and clever men among our hierarchy, but we do not know that any of them could give a better and briefer than this. We invite the atten- or THE Frencu to the stewed. A) mam or birds as: they. are. as to ite k rag to rk-pie leg-of-mutton. THE PLEASURES OF PARIS. My DEAR JonEs, : ; You will doubtless recollect how the last time that I dined | with you we had a little talk, when the ladies had retired, about the nuisance of one’s syringe out at ten o’clock at night to take one’s | wife and daughter to a or an ‘At Home.’ We agreed, you will remember, that steps ought to be taken to stop this monstrous custom which is ruining our oe, our tempers, and our healths, and which, unless it soon be checked, will probably be carried toa dangerous excess, and tend to bring our grey hairs prematurely to the grave. How right we were in nurturing these terrible forebodings, a glance at this brief paragraph , Suffice to show :— “PAaRISIAN DisstPaTion.—A Paris letter says:—‘ For the present every one here belonging to the upper classes seems to be bent upon pursuing a round of dissipa- tion too fatiguing to be sociable: The CounTess Persieny has brought in, by giving her last ball at midnight, a fashion in a fair way of being widely adopted, as well as one that will make the sociability of the brilliant world more life-consuming than it ever has been. Soirées now commence long after ten, private concerts at avout eleven, and balls at twelve. When they end may easily be inferred from the time of their inning. The w effects of such unnatural hours on the constitution are warded off by the ladies, and, indeed, often by gentlemen, in a manner so in- genious that it deserves to be recorded. ers are ordered half an hour earlier than they are usually served, and, instead of being fmished at half-past seven or eight, are over at seven and half-past seven, so that persons of quality can go to bed and have a long sleep before they dress to go out at midnight.’ "—Globe . There, my dear friend, ‘is not this a truly fearful picture? * Just imagine rue, Jones, you who relish a dinner, and, therefore, like to take a cosy, comfortable time at it—I say, imagine yourself daily scrambling through that meal, so as to get it over by seven or half-past, and then hurrying off to bed in the serenity of fulness, with the cer- tainty that nightmare will afflict = if you sleep. Then fancy the delig t of having to get-up again a little before midnight, and shave and Wash, and dress yo through the bleak whew to @ suffocating soirée, where society 1 era you to stand for some six hours with a smile upon your face. at you'll have to do when this your martyrdom is over, whether ou’ll be told to go to bed again till noon, or will be started off to jusiness with an early, lonely breakfast (the ladies taking theirs at pn mr time my ee —on this: aw . poet: en hdertake to prophesy, an oe tisso painful that I shrink from Siving thought to it. more than J. can help. W me Gos old boy, bless your stars, as I do mine, that you were born a Briton: and. that, whatever social tortures cruel fate may have in store.for us, we are at present not afflicted so severely as urself in your most gorgeous raiment, and them drive Pp we should be were we resident in Paris, and sharing the enjoyments (?) of its fashionable world. ; With kind regards to Mrs. Jones, whose little ¢hé parlant I should with rapture have attended, but my ecclesiastical scruples keep me prisoner in Lent, believe me, my dear friend, with never-ceasing sympathy, Your fellow-martyr, PUNCH. P.S. I rather think 1 heard our dear friend Mrs. Brown projecting a small soirée for—I could not catch the night. When you receive her cards, don’t forget to recollect that you are pledged to dine with me to meet the Rajah of Ramjambung, who (you may hint to Mrs. Jonzs) is nobly liberal in shawls to the ladies whom he likes. P.P.S. (Private.) Of course you know the R. of R. is our old school- chum Bossy Bricut. He has chambers close to mine, and if I give him a day’s notice he is always game for Greenwich, THE CHANCELLOR’S GHOST. Saunders’ News Letter contains a story from a “London Corre - spondent,” which therefore must be true. It is stated that Lor D EsTBURY, the Chancellor, has bought a ghost. That is to say, he has bought Hackwood House, near Basingstoke, and in it a Woman in Grey, who comes into his bedroom, stands opeinet the wall, and shines phosphorically, and is generally intrusive. The lady has appeared to the Chancellor himself, who, not being easily discomposed, took notes of her behaviour, and read them after breakfast. We are rather glad of this, because there is now a chance of a ghost-story being fairly sifted. Str Ricuarp Betuext, that was, is not the man to be content with diluted evidence, or to make up his mind that he has got a ghost, except upon full proof, cogent enough to 'justify an order in Chancery. He will either proclaim the whole affair to be a bit of correspondent’s mendacity, or we shall have such a set of ghostly interrogatories as have never yet been applied in a case of the supernatural. The ghosts have caught a Tartar at last, and we should not wonder if there were a considerable sensation in the spirit world, and a vote of censure passed on the venturesome ghost. Srar-Gazine Exrraorpinary.—A To taking in the Morning Star, that “ itis Brieut side*of things.” gives as his opinion for ways as well to look on the

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Apri 26, 1862, BSS A, hy Nt A A PROPER PRECAUTION. Mistress. “ Ture, Sin! THERE’s a Borrue oF Eau DE COLOGNE FOR YOU, AND DON’T LET ME HAVE OCCASION TO COMPLAIN AGaIN !” Stirrups (the Party who looks after the Horse and Chaise). ‘‘Yzs, Mom! But Bs Or To Drink IT?” Mistress, “ No, StR; YOU WILL HAVE TO WalT aT TABLE TO-NIGHT, AND YOU ARE TO SPRINKLE IT OVER YOUR BEST LIVERY, THAT YOU MAY NOT BRING INTO TRE HOUSE THAT DREADFUL EFFLUVIUM FROM THE STABLE THAT YOU HAVE HITHERTO DONE!” = | | A WOMAN AND A CAT. | } Trey say there is no such thing as an indisputable truth. Mr. Punch | fearlessly asserts that he has found one, and here it is. It is better to be a Cat in Zug than a Woman in London. A short time ago, aman in Zug stole a Cat, named Ermrve, and | “4 ivi a : : : : In tet y-ray having probably acquired a taste for that kind of nutriment at two- | = s: franc restaurants during some visit to Paris, he slew Puss, and cooked | HOW LONG? How long, Elect of France, must hope Deferred Italian hearts make sick, While troops of thine uphold the Pore, As despot of his bishoprie, How long shall Bourbon Francis find her for his dinner. A harbour in the Holy See, With miscreants of every kind ; Ruffians of high and low degree : A mercenary brigand throng ? How long? How long? How long shall he those villains hire, And arm, and wilt thou still connive, Whilst they go forth with sword and fire Rob, mutilate, and burn alive, In thy protection only strong? How long? How long? How long shall Roman sacred domes Give shelter to the routed horde ? How long shall the Apostles’ Tombs Those rascals sanctuary afford, Retreats, when chased to hide among ? How long? How long? How long, thou Ruler of the French, Shall priests be rulers over thee, Conspiring liberty to quench, And re-enslave freed Italy ? Ah, hear the burden of her song! How long? How long? For this offence he was condemned to about nine distinct punisb- ments :— 1. He was imprisoned. 2. He was fined. 3. He was made to pay the value of the Cat. . He was put down in a black list. . He was put for two years under the eye of the police. }. He was forbidden to leave his own parish for four years. . He was ordered to receive a slight flogging. And there were two or three other punishments, which we forget, but a kind of Zug cat-o’-nine Tails descended on him. A short time ago a man in London beat his wife, named Ex1zaneT# Hvussarp, and dreadfully injured her eye, and she died. She was ill when he beat her, and the doctor and the jury agreed in saying that she died of fever, accelerated by disease of the heart, and the man, (who had tried to smuggle his wife into the grave, and to get rid of her child who had seen her beaten, and had been beaten himself) was neither imprisoned, fined, put on a black list, flogged, nor otherwise given to understand that he was a brute. So it is better to be a Cat in Zug than a Woman in London, for very few Zug Cats will henceforth be stolen and eaten, whereas severa London women have been beaten nearly to death since a timid doctor and a foolish jury united to acquit Mr. Witt1am Hupparp.

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Avrit 26, 1862.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 169 _—— the feet.” deed of Love senting in om! the tortoise at Venus’s fee that married life is slow. AN BPMBLEM OF DOMESTIC BLISS. go Grsson, is to be shown in the Brompton International Exhibition. Times ‘“Me. Greson has represen his Venus as the Goddess of Mar- , & dignified and : beautiful a with a tortoise at her There is something not easily intelligible of a tortoise at the feet of Venus. i _ That ot bys occupied more suitably by a pair of turtles: of the wi ei ane not the rtoise, to w cult to imagine ‘the Goddess relation, supposed to be a symbol of marriage? Im ‘that case t will perhaps be regarded as embodying the fast amam’s opinion, TO CHARLOTTE WITH HER PHOTOGRAPH. Dericrup ‘by the ar, The igeeaiet ieee e S| 7 What radiant harmony the face ! Who such a likeness could have done? No meaner artist than the Sun. You see yourself within this frame, And, in a looking-glass,.the same. The glass, tho mustreflect your eyes, Or straight the ¢ ing i flies : But fixed you have yourshadow here, So that it cannot disappear. Sn —— 7 —,, havi ed nd, when some e 4 Will truly show yourwhat-you were ; itd How elegant, how freshand fair. I wonder what theam Compared with it, exhihit-sti statue, the Venus,” of Mr According to ited in the idea That situation in- be _suitabl turtle; still cies cette be ake which it is diffi- : Sccesenes, ta eee— Silane as risen suddenly to a verythigh point-in conse- quence of the late gales. CABMEN’S INDIGNATION MEETING. In accordance with notice, a large meeting of London Cabmen was held on Friday last at the Cabman’s Hall, Commercial Road. The object of the meeting was to consider what steps should be taken to promote the general and individual interest of the Cabmen of London, during the period of the International Exhibition. The Eart or SHarresBury had been invited to take the chair, but a letter from his Lordship, excusing himself, and enclosing some tracts, facieding the colabented { the absence of the noble Earl, Mr. Smout, a driver of some years sitting, was . called to the office of chairman, by loud cries of “Jump in!” The Chairman said that he did not enjoy the advantage of speaking promiscuous which was manifestrated by the noble as been invited, but he flattered hisself as he could come to the pint. (Ories of “ Make it a quart !”) There was to be a great Show, which he had heerd was called the Irrational Show at Brompton, and there would be a vast conkus of folks from all and mainly from forrin parts. He had also heerd as there was to be the usual attempt at interferin with the wested rights of the Cabman, which attempt he hoped the meeting would make up its mind to drive over. He would say no more, but leave it to other gents to come the drydacteric. (Cheers.) Mr. Gat Wincer said that the occasion was a very interesting one. There was a noble harvest about to be opened to the Cabman, and if he went to work well, and had tolerable luck, he might make a good thing of the X. But it behoved them to be wide awake, and like- wise determined. He had heard of all sorts of new lists of cab fares (hisses), yes, so they were ‘called, though he thought a better name would be cab fouls (laughter and cheers), and that Guides were to be sent on to the cabstands to see that tickets were given (shame), and that strangers knew the amount which they could legally be called on to pay. (Sensation.) He should to see a fellow like that on his stand. ‘They mightn’t agree as to a sixpence, but he’d let such an hinterloper know ear clear whata kick meant. (Applause.) As for the waterman, he had nothing tosay against him, he stood in with the Cabman, told lies for him when he was away at the bar, and never knew anything about fares, or anything against cabby. But as for Guides and spies, let them give him a wide berth. What he said was, Live and Let Live (applause), and what was sauce for goose was sauce for gander, not, of course, that Cabmen-knew much about sauce. ( Cheers.) his here X was a dodge of the swells to put money in their purses, and why shouldn’t the Cabman come in for a share? Let them get what they could out of everybody. The London folks had no call to complain, they knew the fares, and weren’t any wuss off because the Cabman might try to make a trifle out of the Provincials and foreign beggars, Was he to have no hevening of life, and sit down calm oer his own tree and smoke in peace. (Sensation.) Then let, the swells let m make his A while the sun shone, and not make.a shine about a few lings. (Loud cheers.) Ma. Spavviy said he had read with intense disgust that Siz Rrowarp ‘Maxnz had been asked to order the police to see the tickets given to ether required or not. It was enough to have to do it at all on compulsion, and he ma hurry to obey. First he always said he was afeared he had left the Where are you Driving to?) wasread. In| p; flattered himself tiat nobody ever saw him, tickets at home, then he searched all tais:pockets five iol ing his fare steady in the face all the while. ‘Then he looked in the mose bag, and under all the cushions, and at the bottomof the cab. looked im the oss’s mouth, but that time his fare to be an Trish gentas gave him.a-such a topper to him that he never tried that again. Then he walked round the cab, andieied at the other door, and need not tell his friends that if it was a raimy day, it was pleasant for the fare by this time. But if the fareqwas stu pom, he got it at | last, for he, the speaker, kept the tickets im ‘his hat. (Cheers). Now all this defensive business, as he might say, was to be done away, if Siz CHARD Mayne was to come the arbitrary. Mz. Stasmer said that he was not much afraid of the ticket business. Several gents present knew how that could m: and whether the number on the back of the cab was always exactly that on the card, and likewise whether the card was writ out quite correct in other respects. But the public was afraid to ask for tickets, it seemed like starting on the P orig 4 with a bad feeling. Sirk Ricnharp Marne might do as he liked, but they need not care, there was a penalty to an informer, and then it might be awkward ce . Ladies and gents had no time to hunt a fellow down, and hang about a dirty police court, but if an informer could do it, things woul different, pe oe Mast that no such harbitrary and dishonest plan would be adopted. Mr. Jozsie said that there ought to be a law protecting cabmen from a great wrong, he meant from gents stopping at home in their houses in the subbubs. (Hear, hear!) Heh itely been a wictim to that hambush. He had drove a lady from Piccadilly to Regent’s Park, and the fare on the book was a shilling. He her two shillings, and followed her into the hall to require it, thinking of course that in the middle of the day there were only women ‘in the house. Out of a door bounced a gent who had been meanly stopping at home, and he blowed up, took the card, took the number, writing it down for fear of herror, called him, the speaker, a cowardly thief for trying to impose on eo women, and though he, the speaker, said he was — — and oifered to give back sixpence, was summonsed fined. (Shame!) Now he asked if it wasn’t an-English to lie in wait like that, and trap a poor cove as was only trying to help hisself? (Cheers.) Mr. Foanxer said that they might make up their minds that a bad time was coming. There would be some new laws soon as'would make it hardly worth a fellow’s while to drive a cab. At present it was pleasant to a fellow of spirit, as being the nearest approach to highway robbery, like that of the good old days. But that had been put down, and so would their freedom be. He believed the time would come when a couple of young ladies would take a cab from Westbourne Grove to Whitechapel, and not be charged a farthing over the rate. (Sensati on.) Yes he did, and therefore they had better,.as another speaker said, make their A while the sun shone. ‘ After some other speeches, it was unanimously resolved, That the Cabmen of London would get as much as they possibly could out of the British and Foreign public, during the Exhibition, and would resist either peaceably or by force, Fags. w be le, any attempt to interfere with the rights of labour. eT After a vote of thanks to Lonp Suarressury, and after singing the Cabman’s Hymn (What though I am a Scowling Cove), the meeting went on the rank. ‘ i

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. pee {Aprin 26, 1862 Az 4 AY - faa ——_/ | PuLaYGorR. “Twopence? Oh! then I won't have a bill ; I’ve only got Bor. “ Then pray don’t mention it, Sir. genteel poverty.” = Never mind the hextra penny. | a A FAREWELL TO THE FLEET, BY AN OLD SALT, Now farewell, my trim three-decker, Sails and spars and all farewell : Iron’s proved of wood a wrecker, Where ’twill steer us who can tell ? In glorious Netson’s days, d’ ye mind them, Our tars were sailors every inch : Stout hearts, with pigtails stout behind them, And ne’er a man to skulk or flinch. But now—my dear eyes! British sailors Half soldiers and half stokers are ; And if we manned the fleet with tailors, *T would in a month be fit for war. In battle now there ain’t no danger, Good seamanship is at an end: To reefing every hand’s a stranger, For why ?—no canvas now we bend. Our ships are hearts of oak no longer, But floating forts with iron cased : Than Armstrong guns need be arms stronger, Ere through our sides a shot be placed. Bomb-proof, hull-sunk, iron-roofed, we steam on, Nor ball nor boarder fear we now: And when our foe we run abeam on, He sinks at once beneath our prow. Them Yankee swabs, from shot a-shrinking, Fight under water, so they tells : Dear eyes! our Navy soon, I’m thinking, Will be a fleet of diving bells ! Law and Fact. ? unished for the same offence.” | » | This is a law maxim. Jones, formerly but not now a @ penny. | widower, denies its truth. His only offence has been I respects| Matrimony, and his experience, he says, negatives the above rule. ** No man can be twice A SENSATION POLICE CASE. On Saturday last, a gentleman who would not give his name or address, and who seemed deeply to feel his unfortunate position, was brought up on the charge of having made some unfavourable remarks in the pit of the Adelphi Theatre, whilst the celebrated Cave Scene of the Colleen Bawn was being performed “for the last time at present.” Mr. Dion Bovctcavtt, who could scarcely control his indignation, said he brought forward the matter purely on public grounds. It was of the most vital importance to himself that no opinion, other than favourable, should be expressed on his productions. Pom MacIsTRaTE ventured to inquire what was the nature of the offence ? Mr. Drow Bouctcautt (violently affected). Whilst I was taking my | celebrated Header the prisoner made a remark audible to the whole house, and I nearly, from rage or nervousness, lost my balance, and it was _a positive miracle I wasn’t precipitated into the Orchestra, where I might have met with an ignominious death in the interior of a big drum. (Great Sensation.) i proceed with such interruptions, I had the man removed. I have no : wish to be vindictive, Sir, but 1 must insist upon the very severest penalties the law affords being enforced in this instance. The Macistrate inquired if Mr. Bovcitcautr (whom he begged to congratulate on his miraculous escape, as his loss to the stage never would have been repaired, either by himself or anyone else) could prove that there was any damage done ? Mr. Bovcicautt. No, Sir, nothiig fortunately beyond the straining to my nerves, and a slight injury inflicted on the rope; but the dis- respect shown—the insult, I may call it—might have the most injurious effect upon my future works, of which I have no fewer than seventy- two, another at present on its way from America, and another so far advanced, as only to require the plot to complete it—and all of which are entirely original, being constructed with variations with the most scrupulous fidelity, from t .¢ French dramas and Irish novels— The MacistRatE (checking him) ventured to suggest that his ques- tion still remained unanswered. | respect of the public, what would As it was impossible the piece could | Mr. Bovcrcautt. Only consider, Sir, if I once were to lose the become of me? I have reckoned upon those pieces running up to my 87th year, and if they are suddenly interrupted in their career, I should be the loser, Sir, perhaps of | millions. I have already made by the Colleen Bawn upwards of £66,000. | Please multiply that amount by seventy-two, and you can easily con- | ceive, Sir, what my loss would be! | The Magistrate sincerely sympathised with him. He would like | to be informed what was meant by being original ? Mr. Bovcicavtt explained that it was an idea copied from some | | one else, but improved upon a little bit by yourself, so as to enable you to swear it was your own. The Prisoner said he had merely whispered to a friend of his in the we that the water-scene in Colleen Bawn been repeatedly done | efore, and was nothing new, when he was at once seized by the ou, e | dragged out of the theatre, and taken to the Station House. had ad any wrong, he was unfeignedly sorry for it. Poticeman Q 25,478 said he took the prisoner into custody. He| was sure he was an old offender. He saw him cracking nuts at one 0 | the most pathetic parts, when every one else, down to those who sold| | apples, oranges and ginger-beer, were all bathed in tears. He yawned, | | too, once or twice, and in fact paid very iittle attention to what wss | | going on on the stage. | The Magistrate said this was one of the most flagitious and heart-| | rending cases that had ever been brought before him. Mr. Bovcl-| cautr deserved the thanks of the public at large for having taken the | initiative in the matter, and he would take the liberty of proposing that | 'a Brazen Head should be presented to Mr. B. as a Testimonial. He} |should be most happy to head the subscription himself with sixpenc out of the poor-box. Mr. Boucicautr thanked the worthy Magistrate, and, after col: gratulating him on his very successful “header,” of which he felt half envious, accepted both the suggestion and the money that so grace) fully inaugurated it. Tn conclusion, the Magistrate said that with regard to the unfor- |

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m_ some | able you | is in the | lly done | 1e collar, | . If he} dy. He| at one of | who sold | awned, shat was nd heart- Bovct- | aken ht sing tha rial, He | sixpence | fter con: | felt halt 30 grace) he unfor-| —— Apnit 26, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 171 unate man ir the dock, if he hadn’t expressed his regret, he should rain have condemned him to penal servitude for life. The magni- tude of the offence would have amply justified the severity of the nishment. ; Puiaving distributed photographs of himself all round, amid the loud plaudits of the Court, in. OUCICAULT jumped on a very high horse, which he has been riding lately, and, preceded by seven grooms to clear the way for him, and followed by as many more behind to prevent the admiring multitude at too near to his person, he proceeded leisurely in the direction of Piccadilly, saluting with the most graceful urbanity all the well-dressed persons who passed him. PLUSH IN A FUSS. ONERD MisTER PuncH, “ U’ve sevril times been good enough for to admit of my Poetical corntribu- tions to your columns, and I’*mobliged to you for doink so, and so I dessay are your r readers. But what ave to rite just now hisn’t Potry, but its Hinsult—a Hinjury to Plash, and a Houtrage upon Hus—and so I thinks it best to aay what I ave tosay in go plam. matterofack Prose, and not go mountink of my Pegasis for the mounting of Parnassass. : “Sir, jist you read this hear, and A if it taint dis- gustink ! coppy it from the outside of a printed Phoolscap sheet (a cap I’d like to fit upon the Phool’s ead who corncocted it) which were left for Master tuther morning by the Tax- gatherer, leastwaysit wasn’t E but,one of is EK Missaries, —_ who say as they carnt help it when they sticks ees your Hincim Taxes sum- mings in your ands. The paper’s on the outside eaded ‘ AssEssED Taxes,’ and purrports to contain a ‘Return for the Assessment on Articles (mind that) kept between’ the days as‘ you’!] c mentioned in this ear, which its a parrygraft what’s printed immeejetly below, on the houtside of the phoo a " “TAKE NOTICE That in pursuance of the Acts of Parliament relating to the Duties of Assessed Taxes, you are required, under the Penalty of FIFTY POUNDS, to make out a List or Lists within Twenty-one Days after the Date hereof, according to the proper Forms as within set forth, as far as the same may be applicable to your Case, con- taining an Account of the Greatest NumBer of MALE Servants, and other Articles, Matters, or Things herein referred to, RETAINED, EMPLOYED, KEPT, OR USED AT ANY ONE TiME between the 5th APRIL, 1861, and the 6th APRIL, 1862, and deliver the same to me at my Dwelling House.” “Sir, when 1’d red this here, which I couldn’t elp a doink afore taking it to the Guvnor, I called a Hindignation Meetink in the Suvnts Awl, for to purtest against this hinfimus and haggeriwatink hinsult. The hidee of this here hignorant and hawkerd hindiwiggle a darink for speak of all us male suvnts as ‘ Harticles!’ I declare it reelly takes my breadth away to think of it. Yet there’s no mistake about the matter, as UC. The fool says plane enuff ‘ the greatest number of Male Servants, and other Articles, Matters or Things.’ So I spose if we hobjex to be henterd hup as ‘ Harticles,’ we ave the privlij hof ing so as heither ‘ Matters hor Things.’ Sir, is this here a Phree Country, that’s what we wants to No. if Suvvinks is called ‘ things,’ one might as well be in the Slave states, where a nig, er’s called a ‘ chattle,’ which it aint as [ fust thort another way of spellink ‘ cattle,’ though no doubt there is drivers who ae their slaves like Beasts, But ‘chattle’ is a legil word as means same as * thing,’ and if our.Guvmink tell their tax-gathrers to talk : us as things, why to my mind it’s ekwivalink to letting it be nown that in ¢hetr site we’re no better than a erd of slave-born niggers, we Brittings who was born on Halbion’s appy land, and ave it Rr to musie in our glorious magner Charter that suvints who is inglish never never never will be Slaves ! Mister Punch we nose you've got some hinfluence with Lorp SEMERSTONE, SO we Opes as youll report this Houtridge to is lord- ip, aud get the Guymiuk clark as corneocted that there notice kicked out of is Plaice, for the hinsult he ave parsed upon hus Gentleming in 4 Ler the ladies of the South give their silver piste aud gold, Plush. Hif so be he won’t do that, nor take no notice of the notice, you may tell hi with hour complimums asshe aint No Good, and the sooner as we ave Lorp Darsy in the Better. : “ Yours, restpeckfully, Mr. Punch, halthough I ham a Harticle, ~“ Joun Tommus, ** As were wunst the Poet of Belgravia,” “P.S. We ad intended a sendink of some Conscince Money to old Grapstineé this year Yeaster. What with puckwisits and pickinks we’ve most on us been haddink pretty reglar to hour hinkims, and none of us as hever dreamt of paying any tacks for it. But in coarse they carnt xpeck as ‘ Things’ + bee y a hinkimtax, and as for , Harticles’ or ‘ Matters’ avink hany Conscience, why U might as well expeck to hear a Poker preach a serming, or a Phootstool play a solo on the phiddle or the Phloot.” - THE GIFTS OF THE SOUTH, *“The Ladies of Charleston are contributing their plate, spoons, watches, and a to the common stock, and the planters have brought into GeyeRaL EAUREGARD their plantation-bells to cast into cannon.”—Correspondence from the Seat of War in America © Their bracelets and their brooches to coin for soldier’s pay : As once the dames of Corinth, magaanimous Cut — hair to twist for bowstrings, when their town beleag uered ay. Whate’er the givers’ cause may be, a blessing’s on the gift That’s offered in sell-sacritice, and faith, that moves the world ; Though brothers’ blazon deck the flags these adverse hosts uplif Though dark and dim the struggle ere in peace those flags are furled. And with their proud and earnest dames, their gifts the planters bring T mules and sheaves—their hogs and beeves—the corn their barns that fills : Into the piled-up cotton-pens themselves the torch they ’ll fling, Ere they shall help the Northern needs, or feed the Northern mills— “Here ’s bell-metal—cast more guns—we are wearied out at Of a tie that is a fetter on Southern souls and soil. . . . .” But pause on that last gift, can good come of cannon cast From the bells that waked.the slaves to their heavy hopeless toil ? Ah, there it peeps —the canker that spreads from head to heel ! The leprosy that mines beneath, though with no warning smart ; The vile alloy of Slavery takes edge from Southern steel, And Slayery’s base metal lies at their cannon’s heart. An ominous black shadow broods their boasts and bravery o’er, The rattle of their arms doth seem of clanking gyves to tell : And for all your daring against odds, still in your cannon’s roar We hear the dreary ringing of the vile Plantation Bell, THE PULSE OF TURKEY. Ir was the fashion at one time to compare Turkey to the position of a “Sick man.” In short, we suppose the Suntan was no other than the original “ Habitaus in Sicco.” But Turkey, it seems, is getting _ round again, as every fat, contented Pasha properly should be. n time, perhaps, she may actually get a constitution of her own, not so robust perhaps as that of England, but infinitely stronger than that of Spain. We beg to congratulate Turkey upon her change, which is certainly one for the better, considering the lot of English money which has recently been introduced into the "oe Judging from the Turkish Loan, her circulation must have wonderfully improved. Never did Turkey boast of a healthier pulse. So much the better—it — be all the stronger in preventing Russia to take the field against er. NATANT APPLES. Srycz the celebrated article in the Norfolk Bifin (or whatever was the name of the distinguished jouraal) which too credit to itself for having compelled the House of Lords to pass the Reform Bill, we have not seen a neater thing, in better English, than this, which appeared in Mr. Brieut’s organ of Saturday :— ** The opinions expressed in the Morning Star and Dial on Thursday last, as to the necessity of some limit being imperatively fixed for the reception of goods, has at length attracted the attention of the Commissioners, and an official notice hag been issued that ‘ they will cancel all allotments of space for goods,’ &c.” We had fears for the health of these Commissioners, who seem to have a good deal to do; but if they have leisure to study the Star, they are not so much to be pitied—at least on account of over-work.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. se : [Aprit 26, 1862, \ Coox. “ Lawks, Miss, it’s beautiful ; but I'd no idea your Pa was a Portrait Painter /” THE BORE OF A BREWING LICENCE. Mr. Grapstone tells the House of Commons that :— “ The proposal of the Government with regard to a licence in respect of private brewing was not announced to the House as one of great financial importance."’ Why did he propose it then; and why has he insisted on it? His answer is :-— “ What I said to the House was, we are going to require from brewers for sale a | payment in hard cash for every pound of hops they are estimated to use, and we cannot fairly make that demand upon them if we give to persons who choose to brew in private a positive premium by telling them that they shall have their hops | free of duty without any payment at all.” } If the private brewing-licence is not one of great financial importance, the liberty of unlicensed brewing would have been no great premium | given to private brewers. It would therefore have involved no great | unfairness to brewers for sale. } The private brewing-licence is a nomi- | nal tax, and will prove a source of nominat revenue. Mr. GLapsTone | proposed it, and insists upon it, merely out of abstract 3 om to fiscal | symmetry. is is a cheering indication. If he cannot bear the idea | of a theoretical partiality in the pressure of the brewing-licence, how | will he any longer be able to stand the fact of an enormous practical | injustice in the incidence of the Income-Tax? Mr. GLapsTonzE is evi- corm ready to adopt the proposals of Mr. Hussaxp, or to produce tter. The sums to be charged for the private brewing-licences are so small that their amount will be of no great fiscal importance. The private brewing-licence will be therefore simply a bore to those who will be under the necessity of procuring one, but who will, many of them, forget to observe that precaution, and consequently expose themselves to the depredations of informers. It will necessary to take the trouble of going and getting a licence in order to try the experiment of making a little beer! The effect of the law imposing the purchase of a licence on the private brewer will be that of entang g individuals in liability to penalties, without at all profiting the public, or even the public-house. ‘ We will not impute to Mr. Guapstonz the atrocious design of putting a stop to private brewing, and checking instead of encouraging the production of home-brewed beer. But he has, in mere pedantry, imposed one more restraint, unnecessary by his own showing, on the liberty of the subject; and liberty, especially in the matter of beer, better than licence. DEPLORABLE PREJUDICE. ** Mr. Ponca, “ Aw article in the Post upon the late trial.of three unfor- tunate gentlemen for forging Russian bank notes, contains the following remark :— “ The prisoners convicted on the first day’s trial were Wootrr Harwrrz, calling himself a doctor, and CHLOMAN REICHBERG, and ABRAHAM JOSEPHSON, jewellers— all the three being Jews, of course.” “Why of course? Genera WoLre was not a Jew, and there ar many people besides. Jews. who are called, Hanwirz or Hanras. ‘HLOMAN is not equivalent to Clo’man, neither is it a corruption of Sotomon, like Soman, and ReicHBEeRG is no more Hebrew tha ReICHENBACH, a name celebrated as that of the discoverer of the 0d force, and not odious through any association with clo’, for it has before it the Christian name of CHARLEs ; but evenif the distinguished chemist had been named Cutoman, the abbreviation, Cuxo, would only have suggested chloroform. There are plenty of Christian Isaacsons al Josepusons, and of Christians who are named ABRAHAM; as, for example, ABRAHAM LINcoLN. Why, then, all three Jews, of course: Because one was a quack-doctor, and another a jeweller, ‘and a third an accomplice with the other two in a forgery? These appear to be the only premises which led to that conclusion. Such illiberality 1s to ad. *“* T have the honour to be, Mr. Punch, your diligent reader, ** House of Commons, April, 1862.” “ Puiio-SMoucHy. Timber Superseded. THERE is, or used to be, a sort of plate which was called Britannie metal. Let us hope that the substance which our shige of war are & be plated with is destined to prove Rule-Britannia-metal. Eprrarn on Aunt Satty.—“* Buona Sera.” ninmniieenes Printed William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the Whiehinw of London, Printers, at their Ofice in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Leadon--Sagwanat, April's, las . 6 hitefriars, City of Londen, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in . . the Precinct of County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No.l, —— Laveen pg City of '

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—— May 3, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. UT) eee G | | | NU : Ci ddd Vz Z en | £4 | PA Ze \ THE PIONEER. Roller 1” J, Miscurevous Lirtte Wire. “ Oh, it’s sweetly becoming, Dear, but I’ve just had a capital Idea, and if you’ti promise me to take great care of it, I’ll lend you my Garden IL PIO NONO. Wuat operatic people those foreigners are! Ac- cording to a telegram from Rome on Easter Sunday :— y ** The whole of the French and Pontifical troops were present. “An immense crowd assembled, and shouts were raised of * Viva il Papa !’” The scene thus described seems exactly like something Covent HY ny Uh MIU y, / NT Pirrei, 11 iil! | we - YY I tf it Ey xy ! ; 4 j t : 1M ** The Pope gave a solemn benediction (urbi et orbi) in the Vati- x \Y - ; ‘ ew N N | : \ . Wy, ) that we have often witnessed at Drury Lane or French and Pontifical troops under arms, represented by a corps of supernumeraries, with some of the choras- the rest are stationed at the head of other supernumer- singing at the y accompaniment 0 mind’s eye out ina of their voices Viva il P a noisy orchestra. Then, before our balcony comes the old Pore in full stretching out his hands, opens his mouth to its utmost width, and delivers in a deep bass recitative a few words and the supers who are not musical wave their hats, or throw up their caps; all forming altogether a grand tableau on which down comes the act-drop. complete it is the applause of the British Public; but may keep the keys of a certain place, but here his own erformance would be—unsuccessful. Jonn Butt, 1owever, would willingly shout Viva il Papa / too sf his Holiness of Rome would confer a real benediction wrdi et orbi, by resigning his temporal dominion over the former, and leaving the latter to perform its revolutions in peace. CONDENSED REPORT OF A CAUSE CELPBRE. Brevity’s the soul of wit. Minis said, quick-witted, * You acquit, or else I split :” And Mirés és acquitted. | How To MAKE A Perrect Beast or YOURSELF.— We have been told of a lawyer’s clerk who has succeeded | Cattle, “WE WISH YOU MAY EVER SEE IT AGAIN.” Tue following advertisements appeared in the same day’s paper of the Times :— VERITS !—WRITE me, either here or to K.C. Tell me where, when Ican see thee. The same ever.—C. F. It is a curious sign of the degenerate age we live in when a person is obliged to advertise for the Truth. There are many more despairing individuals, who, like C. F., would like to be told when, and where they could see la Vérité. We wonder how many answers this aspiring lover received to his advertisement ? However, we have one bit of consolation for him. If C. F. is so very anxious to see the Truth, why | doesn’t he look in the pages of Punch every week ? The second advertisement tells the truth at once :— Me MARSH, 175, Piccadilly, requests the UMBRELLA may be RETURNED, which was taken, in mistake, from his hair-cutting establish- ment, by a gentleman, on April 19. The above may be cited asa proof of the old caution that it is not advisable to speak the truth at all times. Was it discreet of Mr. Marsu to let the public into the secret that gentlemen were in the habit of taking away umbrellas from his establishment, even “in mis- take?” We should be rather timid in such a place, lest whilst our hair was being cut off by one of the oily operators, our parapluie might be similarly treated behind our back by some other operator not less oily and cutting in his actions. Besides, there is an absurd hopelessness in the aoe e know there are strange, punctilious persons who occa- ts y send “Conscience-Moncy” to the CHANCELLOR OF THE XCHEQUER, but whoever heard of a man’s conscience prompting him so far as to return an umbrella? The latter must have a sharp point to it indeed to prick any one to that extent. A child may be clever that knows his own father, but after all, what is his cleverness com- pared to that of an umbrella that knows its own owner ? A COCK THAT DIED GAME. Art the Paris International Exhibition of poultry, our farm-wives will be delighted to hear that the finest cocks and hens came from England. A (we are quoting from the Morning Star)— ‘‘Was pronounced to be a perfect nonpareil. But hearing his neighbours crow continually, irritated him to such a degree that he killed himself, trying to break the bars of his cage, and get out to fight them.” He must have been playing at the old game of French and English. As an Englishman in former days fancied he could thrash any three Frenchmen easily, so you may be sure that this cock, who was evidently one of the old school, had been brought up with similar prejudices. Spurred on by ambition, he was anxious to prove that he was game to fight any number of French cocks—even including the celebrated Cog Gaulois himself, if he would but come up to the scratch. His pluck, being bigger than his body, bravest of the brave, bar none. martyr of the gallinaceous tribe had been have been contributed by Mr. Joun Bricut. By the bye, the most appropriate place for this exhibition of poultry would have been the neighbouring village of Pecq. VOL, XLII. T ! Garden, or Her Masesty’s Theatre. We imagine the | singers of the establishment in the front rank, whilst | aries who constitute the crowd; the double chorus | / to the | costume, accompanied by Cardinals, Officers, Guards, a | Crossbearer, and other attendants. Then the chorus of | soldiers and citizens leave off singing, and the Pontiff, , which we are unable to catch. Whereupon immediately | the mob and the military again strike up Viva il Papa! | There, however, the resemblance ends. What would | that is wanting. There are hisses instead. The Pore . | | | in doing so by continually eating THoRLEY’s Food for | Amongst the former there was one of the game breed, who ' was clearly the death of him. He was the , It was reported that this fine spirited , bred by Str Rospert PEEL, | who plumed himself considerably, it was said, uponits plucky propen- | sities. In our opinion, this pugnacious rooster is much more likely to |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —

P thea

iy OUR ANCHOR AT THE EXHIBITION, il A Russtay War, an Indian Mutiny By strong arm, fire, and crushing steel. suppressed, The fight for Freedom waged in b Which Austria’s Vulture ee 8 s [May 3, 186 | | | And now America’s inhuman Brothers with brothers warring to the knife, These horrors, following on our first World’s Fair, | When sanguine prophets bade us to prepare Por the Millennium’s near app reign, | Forbid us to predict the like again. No talk of Universal Brotherhood, To date from this, our second vast Work-Show ! For evil still divides this world with good, _As when Cay murdered Aset long age. Nay, rather come, ye Nations, and behold Our shattered target, plated manifold, And take a hint from that Cyclopean gun, And thunderbolt, wherewith such wrack is done, That. Peace may gather all the hope it can From their impression on our Fellow-man. Yet did we fail so utterly before, As Earth, of violence’ full, would seem to say,? Much misery and blood might have been more; We still have tried to lead the better way. Of peaceful toil the fruit if we have lost, What fruit below is safe from blight and frost? Our little efforts must at tillage stop ; We ploagh, sow, irrigate—implore the crop. At last the needful aid we may obtain, And find that we worked not all in vain, Hard though the labour be, In Nomine Domini. “‘Belizant Reges, plectuntur Achivi.” Kye Orso has made:such a mess of Greece, in the con- | stant breils im which he has been engaged with his sub-| jeets, that one is not surprised to find at last that “all the | fat is im thefire,” or, in other words, that Greece is flaring | up against its Bavarian ruler. The Almanach de Gotha |

Maren Avuyr (sweetly). ‘‘ Run away, Harry, darling, and get me my Work-box,| informs us he is of the family of Wittolsbach. Surely this | and I'll give you a Kiss.” Harry, DARLING. “ Then I won't go.”

ESSAYS AND REMARKS. AppEARANCE.—All appearance finer than what you would sport if, you were Robinson Crusoe, with no Friday for a spectator, 1s not, | a mere ostentation. Other eatiese oon vanity ma: <0 a man to keep up a preposterous or extravagant appearance; for he may | be a kind husband, and loth to grieve his wife. Or, although single, | | he may have to get his living by customers, clients, or patients, who are attracted by splendour as moths are allured by a candle. [f he were to reduce his appearance to reasonable plainness, they would think his business was decreasing, and accordingly forsake him; for most people are apt to be quick in getting out of the way of anybody who seems | going to the dogs. Many a poor and prudent person, whose calling is | genteel, is — to maintain a correspon me saan, which | subjects him to be surcharged for Income-Tax ; ause if it were as shabby as it ought to be, he would earn no income at. all. _ Be sure to cultivate a professional appearance if you are a prac- | tising member of any profession, unless you want to get rid of your practice. Particularly observe this rule if your profession is the medi- eal, and, for example, do not go about in a shooting-jacket and a cap or a wide-awake ; for people employ you not so mueh for you to cure them as to worship them, and they will be offended with your appear- ance if they imagine it to show unconcern about their opinion amount- ing to unconsciousness of dependence on their favour. An excessively sumptuous appearance is not always so me ad for purposes of business as who are fond of display persuade them- selves that it is. Beware of outshining those whom you \ to econ- ciliate, for they will either account for your magnificence by supposing that you are very rich, and then they wi 7 you, and, what is worse, perhaps want you to lend them money; or if they know that you are not rich, ay | will impute your display to vanity and folly, and, if they are. nettled by the superiority of your style to their own, they will | perhaps also regard it as the expression of insolence, which they will resent. A philosopher adapts his appearance to his circumstanees if he can |

| not splendid is at least decent; for it is easier to s | to affect bad, besides that anybody capable of eg bad taste would | | annoyance of finding his meditations, during his | ordinary politeness by sh | will forfeit the chance of a penny. It will, to be sure, render him liable | | he comes out in a new suit, the lower orders will cringe to hiui, and 'the superior classes will treat him with some respect; and he w

must be an error of the press. Orxo’s real family is that | of Wittol’s-head.

7 im do so without taking any trouble. If he is a his ap os if | i ow good taste than | be an uncommon fool. A rich philosopher, then, will employ the best | tailor that he knows of; a poor one will be content to clothe himself | with the strongest slops he can buy. He will dress with a simple view to cheapness and convenience, regardless of every other consider. | ation. His clothes will last him as long as they are comfortable, and, | for some considerable time before they are worn out, will give him an | appearance which will have the advantage of exempting him from the | i is walks, interrupted by | beggars. It will also ensure him cme being treated with obsequious or evel opkeepers, railway-clerks and other servants, except waiters, who know that civility costs nothing, whereas incivilily to be occasionally asked to hold a gentleman’s horse. When at length sometimes find a change in people’s demeanour towards him produced merely by the glossy appearance exhibited by an old hat, not too much battered, that has been carefully wiped and put by after having beet drenched with rain. “ How will it look?” is a woman’s question, which you may as well

| consider when it does not imply, as it not seldom does, discontent wit an appearance as fine as you can afford. But women really do not | consider this question half so much as men faney they do, They are | anxious that whatever they wear should look fashionable, but for the most part do not care a pin if it also looks ridiculous, so that they are = a cont measure regardless of appearance, such as that presented by | rinoline.

Tavrorocy at Bricntoy.—Calling certain volunteer Lawyers, the | Devil’s Own, and The enemy. |

~~, wt ioe eM a a, ee a ee atc

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ely this r is that ance, if ite than 2 Ww he best himself _ simple | onsider- | le, and, | him an | rom the pted by or evel May 3, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 175 A MART FOR ART. Just _ opposite the Great Ex- hibition _ certain enterprising per- " sons have estab- lished a smaller one. It is called the International aar, and is intended, we un- derstand, as a place where, when a person has seen any- thing in the Big Show that he would like to buy, he may go and perform that feat, as the Bazaar is to contain its own specimens of all portable productions. We intend to buy an Armstrong un, a locomotive, a r:ng of church bells, and a Shoeburyness target, the very first day, as little presents for young lady friends. We think the Bazaar notion a very good one, a in keeping with the legiti- mate objects of the Great Show, the place is fitted up, by a French decorative artist, in a very a fashion. Mr. Punch’s own smoking saloon is not much more tastefully adorned with flags and banners. But why ae = re my me ye of the Bazaar — _ rivalry, issue @ roclamation (we ’ll lend them a Marray), and have an inaugura- fon, an ode, and a procession ? Kee Punch would run over and take a part in the proceedings, and would write to Mn. Turrzr to do a poem at the shortest notice. Then we would have it set, and get up a little uarrel on the subject, and Herr Von Jorn, who m (with his whistling bdtos) to condect, might refase to eondact one of the polkas, and the manager would have to engage somebody else for the purpose. Mr. SpurcEon might come over and enact the Archbi and though Brompton might find it as difficult to find a second DoxE or CamBRIDGE as Lambeth does to find a second W. Wits, the thing is not impossible. We hear that the refreshment department at the Bazaar is to be mai in capital style, and this is wise—men’s hearts open, and so do their purses, as wives know, after a good lunch, and we would bet that most purchases are made after one o’clock. We have no idea whether the Bazaar notion originated in a freak, but the — itself is an extremely sensible one, and Pausch hereby crowns it with success. THE CRY FOR CONSERVATIVES. Tue Tories once, as well is known, tood by the Altar and the Throne; __ In point of Church their views were High : But their principle was evermore “ No Popery ie When Catholics, with rights denied, reason y on their side, The Tories, till their throats were dry, Were accustomed to vociferate, ““ No Popery!” But now that common canse unites The Papists and the Derbyites : "Tis time for Punch to raise the cry, Of Lorp Patwerston for ever and “No Popery!” THE IRON AGE AFLOAT. seems very little doubt that steam and iron will between them turn the sailors of our Navy into stokers and sea-soldiers, am a revolution in the commonest naval matters. If the Merrimac and Monitor be taken as our models, our fleet will soon consist of mastless iron ships, and anything like seamanship of course will not be needed in them. ‘The duties of a sailor on board a ship of war will be confined to work between decks, such as cleaning out the stoke hole - keeping a good fire up. He will no more be roused out to reef , for there will be none to reef; nor will he ever have to aloft and hang on by his eyelids, as, if we credit the sea-novelists, fe used formerly to do. ides, when ships are without masts, of course the men on board of them can no more be mastheaded, and martinets will have to turn their minds to hit upon some other form of punishment. Funnel- heading would perhaps be a fit thing to introduce, and men might be oo up to no chimney-top until the Ye my — Ake an fancy what a picture a young middy w presen r dang’ his legs upon the funnel for an hour or two. ‘Ben if he had the fortune to escape suffocation, he would very certainly be soon as black in the face as though he had been choked. On the whole we think that chimney-potting, as it might be called, e quite as efficacious and unpleasant as mastheading, and the middies will no doubt much thank us for suggesting it. A SNUFFLE FROM A SAINT. To the Editor of the “ Record.” _ “VERILY, my dear friend, we live in dreadful times. Calamity and innovation (words to my mind quite synonymous) attack us on all sides. One wonders new to the State will next afflict us. Why here the theatres have ac been-opened during Passion Week and we still continue to be called a ag nation! Painful a with your Own pious exception, Press have not protested, but mostly have applauded this new act of iniquity. Hear, however, what a Bis’ of Oxford—has to say of it :— “The present wasan instance of the manner in which great evils were continually creeping on. The introduction of the concert was now the plea for opening the theatres altogether, and, now that the other days of Passion Week were given up, the next step would be togive up Good Friday. This was the way in which ali reverence for holy seasons was swallowed up Ne London, for out_of i licensed by the Magi HAMBERLAIN, in whose keeping are the morals of in Cockaigne. But a Bishop must of course know better than a playgoer what goes on at a theatre, and how much less moral harm is done by Virtuous Casinos than by Vicious Comedies like those which SHakKsPEARE wrote. “ Sir, I never go to theatres, and as the closing of them cannot in the least affect my comfort, 1 am strongly of opinion that at Christmas time and Easter, and all other holy seasons, their doors ought to be kept shut. Depend on it if playhouses are open during Passion Week, something dreadful to the nation will before long. I leave to Dr. Cummine to foretell what it will be, but I really quite expect to live to see the time when our holy seasons will be t so irreverently that we shall no longer enjoy a Christmas pudding or a hot-cross bun. “ Groaning in spirit for this fearful state of things, “ Believe me, your afflicted, “* JEREMIAH JOWLS.” open, being COSTUMES OF FEMALE NATIVES. Japan has some name for polish, and its credit in that respect appears to have been well sustamed by the J; Ambassadors in Paris, to whose good taste the correspondent of the Post at that capital bears the following testimony :-— “ They consider the ordinary Parisian modes a wicked and painful artifice for deforming female loveliness, and think it would be a considerable improvement if the Emperor Napotzon would issue a proclamation that no Crinoline should be bought. One or two of the suite have bought specimens of these ‘ cage’ abomina- tions to take home as a specimen of the eccentricities of European civilisation.” And so the detestable eages which depraved vanity has invented to three-quarters of a woman’s figure under a f 0 or d | drapery will be taken to Jeddo, and there no doubt exhibited at the Japanese Museum, if there is such an institution at that capital, just as the barbarous trappings and accoutrements of Red Indians, Southsea Islanders, and other savages, are shown at our own British. But the Japanese Ambassadors are coming over here, and what will they think of our position in the seale of humanity, when they find that the women of E mound have also the bad taste to screen their fair proportions with am ism of steel? Of course they will look upon the natives of this island as a race still more degraded than the n ours from whom our most fashionable ladies have borrowed a ism. Ac- customed as they are to regard “Happy ” as a civilised institution, they will surely wonder that we do not adopt that practice, inasmuch as, in tolerating the cages of our wives and daughters, we suffer female grace to commit suicide. “Tae Worip’s Farr.”—It’s not true (says a confirmed cynic), for generally speaking the world’s extremely unfair.

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A TORY PARTY! (SAVE THE MARK.) Mrs. Harris (a struggling Newsvendor). “Stanerp! Stanerp! ONty a PENNY! PLEASE SUPPORT AN OLD ’OOMAN, DEAR GENTS!” D-rby (to Dizzy). ‘‘ FoR GOODNESS SAKE GIVE HER A PENNY, AND TELL THE OLD GOOSE WE DON’T WANT HER CaCKLE—PEOPLE WILL THINK SHE BELONGS TO US—JUST OPPOSITE THE CLUB TOO!” MRS. HARRIS’S PHCENIX. Mrs. Gamp, as you remember, through Life’s wale when we two wandered, You was then the Mornin ’Hrald, I at that time, was the Standard, Which, although I say it as shouldn’t, and we was jeered by some tomnoddies, In them days we good old souls was two respectable old bodies. I agree with you, Mum, no delights as tresteral bein yields is To be named with sitch as we tastes in these here Elysium fieldses ; Nothink nigh to this here nectar, tea, nor gin, or other sperrits ; Buttered crumpets with hambrosiar no comparin as to merits. Bein in this blessed state conwinced as hearthly life’s a bubble, I’m well aware no mortial cares our buzzums didn’t ought to trouble, And _ where no rheumatics ails, and grief and woe no more can’t nd us, We orten’t for to fret our sides *bout rubbidge as we’ve left behind us. But, Mam, I’ll own to you a thought there is my cup of joy that dashes, When I thinks what a Phoenix has arose up out of my old hashes ; A Phoenix which I am ashamed of bein’ counted for its mother. If in my time I was a Goose, at least I wasn’t sitch another. A trampery paper, read by few, although ’tis written for the many ! A flimsy penn -halfpenny print !—I beg your parding, price one penny, And dear at that, a scrag, a scrap, a shred, a rag, and nothink better | A anaes that spiles its readers’ eyes, leastways if they can read a etter ! But there, if that was all—for ’tis their fault as chooses to be blinded, | And poverty ’s no sin, in course,— I shouldn’t werry much have minded. | But oh that down from fippence to a penny come, ard which no | | gain, My old remains should come to be conwerted to a Popish horgan ! The ribbles! *Tis enough to wake the dead. The wagabones! Ab, | drat ’em ! In these here sperrit-rappin times they might have know’d they'd have | me at ’em : And I shall be, if sitch like games them bage aposticks further carries, | About their house in Shoe Lane by-and-by as sure as my name ’s ’ARRIs! | | HOW TO CHRISTEN OUR IRONSIDES. Tue reconstruction of the British Navy will require a change of its | nomenclature. Our oak Leviathans are now to be replaced with iron | monsters of the deep. Plated, as it were, with a skin of armour, @ mal | of-war will henceforth resemble a pachydermatous or a crustaceous | animal. For a ship of the line, therefore, the proper sort of name wil | be that of the Rhinoceros or the Elephant, or, wan would be still better, | the Whale, a whale being a marine pachyderm ; and a steam-ram might | be named the Narwhal, as the creature so called, otherwise the Sea | Unicorn, is not only a whale, but is armed with a horn corresponding | to the beak which steam-rams are to carry at the bows. Frigates an¢ | smaller vessels could go under the denomination of the Hippopotamus, | the Porpoise, the Grampus, the Hog-in- Armour, the Armadillo, or evel | the Crab and the Lobster. Another view, to be sure, may perhaps De | taken of the style of name which will be that most appropriate to our | new Ironsides. It may be urged with some reason, that they would be! best denominated by such titles as the Lambkin, the Dove, and the| Olive, which denote emblems of Peace, and may, it is to be hoped, be applicable to our iron fleet otherwise than ironically. ! Sumptuary Regulation. Tue Commissioners of the International Exhibition have revoked | their first regulation, and have now decided that all salads and mayo#-| naises may be allowed the privilege of admission into the rae | without being previously full-dressed.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL—May 3, 1862. PEACE. MR. PUNCH’S DESIGN FOR A COLOSSAL STATUE, WHICH OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN PLACED IN THE INTERNATIONAL EXHIBITION.

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May 3, 186%] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. I—THE JAM OUTSIDE. : And, niched *twixt Winey the streets! Poli wixt these, and P ie ‘omy the streets! Policemen A to X, ee ee : rovests and |V.—THE MMISIC IN THE ORGHESTRA. Nor ye, oh season-ticket- tales Our Texw green above his flowing-hains— Now ifthe pealing hymn of Commissioners, who have bare. ti U xw7s0® his blooming honours: weaas ! Fronw brass, and une , time to The ey, Som side to si - And let the loud wood, 4 * - : 8 lances : orchestra Taise —- Court, and the dress-sword, that besa) ng o> closely dare nang we up Tho ieee Hach portly side, and now hits sharp upon os ace ° The theme tw collate, iprte ey win wre oe oo And now, a pause, unti ? And costive Costa should disdain to ply That pause, until the acelamatio he détom unto Benwetr’ As oul oabenaal eimai greet the Muse’s latest. best lo ved, | And. what a melody .— Lo! the procession waits pela Unto tha , 2 These crowded: works of indus walk A one. lied aap er 9 held denboren But “ Weloomewhite sobed Paco ts this . of long reverberant peals have Wherctincet mp eace, our THE CLEARING OF THE Nave, | Aud "ile we pause, let th Soft floaen she — the meek-eyed gentlequeen- E. s ? e Macebearer fi her Clear from out the cumbered N: The She the civic Sword held high, Wt |The doves that dee baw pogo = po i Box ave, in ll re s, and the Councils of Societies, The noiseless air dividing.” downy wing Spite of all that workmen pear Ths Deere lyeyilabled varieties, — isppy Hour, for hthingr, to fling Britishers who growl and i soared othe O Us, like conerete floors, cy on the path where she comes Foreigners who rend the hair— : A monster reais » ty Baseh Tet! i ay “Se ime their work to pecial Commissi yee ; To completion and su —— And ssioners and Juries’ Chairmen— Nor smell the: breath of Ma. in i to bedeek and rear, eo crowd of tall, short, blaek and fair That strew her pathway ~e fair, Show-cases to clase cae as. pemmions oo wy for every realm and race V—THE UNEXPEC Bare boards to bid disap; Commuisaioner ont or has asked for space ; TED APPEARANCE. Under varnish and veneer,” missioners for Kighteen-fifty-one, | + ‘Perhaps ye look too hi Flating white, or color a anw the Hyde Park OrystelPalsce| Lock down, sali eye: Wo! . - s) ¢ Di : our pon Nan ey aap Uke fairy pe lace sparkling to the sun That lifteth an ombettiod a They the consequence must tak: atm world’s entranced and wondering | All rayed with tubes and blades Clear the Nave, a vend tenekst Say, oarih h And many a radiant fue, Sey, are they here to contrast, or nike © nagkiedeniee en Ind tr so different, to the self-same end— Whereon, as gun— IL—THE PROCESSION — with her wonders here again, Disconso n, oa wi ps of state, aires a 4 dged - asely now, as she was nobly eg a bird without her mate : To the sound of tru And Lo! a vacant space— is Peace, poor queen, thus fain to rid ql Re Eseuat's «athe roel The — gee Paxson ape pi ton oan — oe ok oe p rintendents of Contractors ! aon, ence, fased in quick inventions} ft mY a Hour hom their of work, The Orystal Palace Unloaded of their flowers : sorely irks) Like. Bavros’ s ae: all diamond-clear— Left weeping mo Steen cht Pun “til oe guste teens Seon alt ee statue at the C.xsan’s show, | Sadly and strangely ganeth she, pica 2 ES eee op Like inverted semi. 7 Now trumpets hrill ° * Andi = oC Seem ama avy trumpets shrill your piercingest too-too, d is this Peace—oan it be iste sasknt gundam sereens, oo ! your ratiling row.de-| haf sets this monster gun a as th Co * « ¥ & Lineter a the fruits of industry as well. “hives the shapely mye) bend the That tis my veil sould bs Within ontractors Keixxand Lucas pace, | And hark above! he shater ea years have pas, since fist ye reared "Twas his to make with polychr Cracz, Above the dram’ seatering trampets blare,| And at its altar T rks acanes st fat was uglier still. = A o— that stills the. vecese tl _And men to do me homage came. tweet building Fowxx had claimed Ti Cone the nes ona ‘ince then, in Bast or Western world, But Cnace arose, and colouring, wi .Coxx that light on all things throws— | Across the Atlantic now they deat The crown be mine,” said hi with a frown, nd— poking cannot break or | Where brother’ heats byl ee ™ ¢, “for placing | The Corn, whose undevel | And here, in Bu s at brother's throat, On Fowxe’s queer lines Subserve i mat cv oped measures, In sull “ai Sa ae “i gneet a colour yet: more | The Cox, that on om pees — — ~ yao | The ioe perme ope arin ap fall, And Commissioners the strife bade cease, | Who alten C seems to come to his W: eel dt | Tee the great ship’s armour-wall, ini bquaret Guage sad Rows wiih balfa| | On may anda one The canson grows of welded oui ! Doomed ; Or pase cond , : ; Here “am meals grumblings and es- Or entiemen attending + a The ae ht po or oe Say atndnt of Araage- | "sarin decane maori, | Relulany at ae ma ay as of flame ? et coats Or change seats, from my dove-dra 2 Riese A wise Scotch proverb, recommends people, whose persons or works are ridicul aa For this, politely lent bp alien Me wn car's, r= ma te ed, to “ jowk (i ¢ crouch down), till the jaw gae by.” Wer see that : other on Gone. : Mamet Japan is by an Emperor, li Theatrical News. ares like ourselves, "We are dewteay wan France, and not | | THe French drama called ; iad = he geen that the great eae we always | day in Paris, and saad ke ee produced on Wednes- King 7 not from an Emperor, but from its — mee | wae Fn mou on the previous Tineanh Craaae gee name ; Ps su i : i tnphantly successful. Evidently the Notional’ Enthen of Presets

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. es [May 3, 1869, | |

— ry — ny) Li i my KN | NT, NY}

NYA NX wy WOOi WARN MMOQN w Ne . NRA SEE <—S \\ N TasSSNNSANASNS SSASAAANASASSEN ISS oss» ES&ss Ist VotuntEER. “ How are you? 2nD VOLUNTEER (painfully). “Um. Not exactly. I was mounted.” How do you feel after Brighton? Footsore?” a THE PALACE OF ART. } A PARODY WHICH IT IS REQUESTED MAY NOT OCCUR 70 | ANYBODY DURING THE INAUGURATION OF THE EXHIBITION, I Burr my Coxz a lordly pleasure house, Wherein to walk like any Swell : I said, “ O Coxe, make merry and carouse, | Dear Cox, for all is well.” (Here follows an exquisite description. of the said pleasure house, also known as the International Exhibition. After Fg hundred and ninety. seven verses comes the last.) But Coxz, C.B., replied, “ *Tis long, your story, And here’s a Rummy ; DrixE walks in glory with a Hand that’s Gory, While I am xo¢ a Bart.”

The O’Donoghue Banquet. |

Tue principal dish at’ this Tipperary entertainment vill | consist of Bubble and Squeak. The first will be supplied | by the speakers themselves from the frothy rhodomontade | of their speeches, and the second will be furnished by Mr. | Smirx O’Brien direct from his celebrated cabbage-garden, which he has nearly stript of every leaf, leaving himself | scarcely any laurels for a future occasion. However, this | liberality does not so much matter in his instance, as Mr. | Smiru O’Brien is not one of those Irish patriots who has | any necessity to say, “unaccustomed as I am to public | squeaking.”

SOME MORE OF PROFESSOR BLACKIE’S NONSENSE. | Wuart is the difference between a cradle and a Scoteb- | man’s infaut ? ‘ eA The one is a Child’s Cot, and the other is a Scot’s Child. [We beg to say that we will not stand any more of the Professor's nonsense,—Ep. a <a ee om | } BEAUREGARD’S SPEECH, WHEN DEFEATED NEAR PURDY. —Perdidi diem.

——|}

INTERNATIONAL EXHIBITION. ENGLISH DEPARTMENT. Mr. Puncu is loth to criticise men who, like himself, work hard to please the Universe; and he is very well aware that the gentlemen who have the charge of the World’s Show have had a world to do, and that their attempts to please the world, although proverbially im- possible, have in most cases proved successful. Anyone who saw inside the Show a fortnight since could have scarcely thought that such a Chaos of confusion could ina dozen working days be brought to anything like order; but this has been achieved by the hearty help and handiwork of every one concerned, from that zealousest of secretaries, Mr. F. R. Sanprorp, down to the smallest of the small boys who have run about on errands, or have stood upon their tiptoes to hand the working-men their tools. But, while extending thus his praise to all who have had anything to do with the great work, Mr. Punch must be permitted to have a THE

| from mistaking Mr. GuapsToneE for one of the Contractors, or Lorp Patmerston, when figuring in Court suit, for the Lonp Mayor. | Moreover, how many of the thirty thousand visitors expected can | be counted on as knowing Mr. Tennyson by sight; and is it not | resumable that when the programme tells them to behold the Poet | | aoa their eyes will by sheer instinct look for Mr. Punch? Thea, | too, how on earth is No. 25, the “ Personages,”’ to be distin- | guished by spectators from No. 26, consisting of the “‘ gentlemen who | are in attendance” on them? To know at sight a Royal person from a | gentleman, is what we hope not many eyes are competent to do; and | as loyal minds must sbrink from entertaining the idea that Royal | persons are no gentlemen, the labour of distinction will be difficult enough. Royal persons, such for instance as the King of the Cannibal | Islands, may be recognised perhaps by their peculiar costume; but unless they wear their crowns, or are labelled on the back, more civilised “ Royal Personages ” may pass along unnoticed, or be mistaken | for the commonest of commoners in the crowd. Perhaps, however, the most puzzling of all the day’s proceedings (worse little laugh at the persons who prepared the programme of the Opening. | even than the labour of catching the eye of your own footman in the Mr. Punch feels sure that, from the vagueness of the language which | flock of powdered gentlemen in waiting at the doors) will be the pro- is there employed, very many of the spectators will be grievously mis- led by it. For instance, though it is expressly stated that “all persons in the procession will be in Official, Academical, or Court Dress, or Uniform,” not a syllable is said as to who will be in which; and Mr. Punch feels sure that every lady will agree with him that this is a most interesting and important point. Of course the ladies will be anxious, if the gentlemen are not, to know the difference between official, court, and academical costume; and the most absurd mistakes will happen if some guide to recognition be not somehow pointed out. Again, although the various processionists are in the programme specially numbered and divided mto groups, who, pray, is to tell Number Six from Number Seven: or Number Fifteen, the Chairmen the Juries, from Her Masesty’s Ministers, who are Number T'wenty- three? If it be too late to devise some change of dress which would make recognition easy,

blem of explaining to the fair creature in crinoline whom your bliss is t0 escort, the real meaning of the words “‘ Foreign Acting Commissioners, which are set against the numbers 17 and 18. Of course, the only acting she knows anything about is that which takes place on the stage and she will most likely look for M. FecutTeR to step forward as the Acting Commissioner for France, while my Lorp Dunpreaky, she will think the proper person to be “acting” for the States, and Mz. BEenJAMIN Wesster for the United Kingdom.

Amiable Excuses, We don’t think that Srernpate Benwerr has a right to complain that Mr. Cosra, will not conduct him, at the Inauguration. Cost Mr. Punch would just suggest that a dozen of | sometimes does not even know how to conduct himself. Besides, he policemen should be armed with bits of chalk, to mark on every | perhaps wanted to show, by making the exception, that he was not a2 person’s back the number in the programme whereto he ~ belongs, which extremely simple method would at least prevent young ladies ' his manners touching this matter. omnibus conductor—in spite of what might have-been inferred, from | —

hh |) ‘a wa HN Yt | FT

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scotch- | ‘Child. | | Mar 3, 1862] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 181 ADDITIONAL REGULATIONS. FOR THE CONDUCT OF THE PUBLIC DURING THE INTERNATIONAL EXHIBITION, ome additional direc- tions have been just issued to the Public by the Commissioners, and it is hoped that the will be understood an’ observed :— 1. The Public is to walk up and down, but not run against itself, that is, when some are going one way and some another, they are not to £ both ways at once, any person is to be at Rberty to anywhere he pleases (eubject to the orders of the pes if there is nobody else in the way. 2. No is to make rule remarks, = in the building, about the trophies im the = = Nave | = very beautiful and if iy angi the public does not comprehend this, it is because they have not taken a catholic view of the Exhibition. But people may say what they like to one another tbe tt his building . Persons, ly the young, are not to come to this building ix an undisciplined state of mind, but for two hours, at least, before leaving their homes, are to peruse amproving works upon the subjects illus- trated in the Exhibition. The police have orders to remove any young persons who may evidently have come for the sake of flirtation. 4. The public is not to go staring at things merely because they are pretty, or celebrated, but is to go regularly and reverentially through the whole building, and is specially to make itself master of every part of the Machinery Exhibition before venturing to examine the products of machinery, The public will be directed in this matter by the police, all of whom have been properly educated for the purpose. 5, Any penes who makes a remark upon the difference between the building of 1851 and the present one, and does not distinetly declare the latter to be immeasurably the superior, is to be immediately removed by oo ‘ 6. whatever is to be said about the Crystal Palace, and any person who shall propose to go from South Kensington to the Crystal Palace shall forfeit his season ticket, if he has one, and if not, shall be at once conducted outside the building. 7. No mention is to be made of any supposed difficulty between certain musical persons. It is enough for the public to know that the Commissioners permitted M. Costa to dictate his own terms as to the composers whose works he would conduct, and that everything has been done properly. Infringement of this order will be followed by diate exclusion. _ 8. The public is permitted to refresh itself in moderation at both the French and English restaurants, but as the International Exhibition is a place for business and for instruction, persons are not to talk of unch,” far less of “dinner,” as a feature in the visit. Any such departure from the principles of high art will be noticed by the police. 9. The public is informed that the International Exhibition is a grand success, and the noblest thing ever heard of. The police have ‘ustructions to enforce the universal acknowledgment of this sentiment. A Catch for a King. Kine or Prussta, mind = eye, Rule not with a hand too high, Or you ’ll be obliged to fly In a hurry, by-and-by. SOMETHING IN INITIALS, IF NOT IN A NAME. fon” have little wish to croak about the weakness of our Naval me. nat it is clear that our three-deckers have long since had their nlp the four e’s to rely on now are Capraix Cowrer Coxzs’s which are all|* THE INNOCENCE OF A BANKRUPTCY COMMISSIONER. Iw a recent trial before CommissioneR Fane, the following elegant conversation is reported to have taken place :— ‘* The ComMIssIONER.. What do you mean by * duplicates ?’ “ Witness. The bankrupt called them duplicates. “The CoMMISSIONER. He talks gibberish, and you talk gibberish. “Mr. Taackrau. The duplicates were pawn-tickets.” Is it not most charming to hear a Commissioner of Bankruptcy in- quiring what is the meaning of a “duplicate?” One would imagine that Fane had been sitting in a commercial Arcadia all his life, full of flowers and sunny purity, m which the only bills seen were those of love birds, and the only notes exchanged were those that were heard issuing from their pretty throats. Who would expect such a Paradise of sim- eed in Basinghall Street? Decidedly, CommissionER Fane must a young man who has just come up from the country. For childish ingenuousness, we should say it would be extremely difficult to find his duplicate anywhere ; though, when found, we doubt if any one would feel inclined, in spite of its ex value owing to the rarity of the article, to make the smallest advance upon it. The next sentence somewhat rubs the bloom off this pete srg It brings us up by a sudden jerk from the ere quietude of the country to the dis- tracting turmoil of town. We scarcely expected a who had been dealing with bankrupts all his life, and didn’t know “a duplicate” was, to make use of such a term as “gibberish.” _ To say the least, it is extremely low and vestry-like, and is about the last flower of speech that we should have thought had been gathered in the poetical garden that CommissionER Fane has evi been roaming in ever since he was promoted to the Bench. in, we were disappointed at his not inquiring what a “pawn-ticket” was. Is the difference between a duplicate and a pawn-ticket so very great, that a udge can be ignorant of the one, and yet be acquainted with the other ? e will not accuse ComMIssIONER Faye, as he did the witness, of talking “gibberish,” because we know, from the character of the Bankruptey Court, it is only natural to meet there (as the London Gazette proves to us) nothing but “ broken English.” OUT WITH RUSSELL. (From the “‘ New York Herald.’’) ReteaseD, thanks to the manly and noble conduct of PRestpEnT Livcotn, from the humiliating presence of yw the British Aristocracy’s spy, we venture to predict that the Star.of the Republic will be once more in the ascendant, and that we shall have to record an interminable series of glorious victories for the Union flag. It was impossible for our brave generals, children of the People, to do their duty under the cold chill of the tocratic spy, and it may easily be imagined that the pen which had chronicled the deeds of lords, and earls, ‘and baronets, and the rest of the titled herd in the Crimea and India, turned reluctantly to describe the feats of arms of a hero who, before seeking the bubble reputation in the cannon’s mouth, had frothed beer into bubbles for his compatriots. But Russgut is gone, and the bird of freedom soars triumphant on exulting wings. Weare in a condition to state that New Yor we Fagg cee itself to be delirious with joy, for we have the permission of Mr. Stanton, our unequalled Secretary at War, to say that the armies of the North have just gained nine great Victories. At least 175,000 rebels have been sacrificed upon the altar of offended Vengeance, and we have taken 215,633 prisoners, and twelve trains of Armstrong guns, sent out to the rebels by sympa- thising aristocrats in Belgravia. The heroic M‘LE.iay has stormed Yorktown, and will sup in Richmond at five-and-twenty minutes to nine on Monday. New Orleans has long been in the hands of Burn- siz, but the news was suppressed in compliment to the Princes of that House who have thrown in their lot with us: the Mississippi is on fire from Memphis to Baton Rouge, and the whole of the negroes have joined the Army of the North. Now what does the “ Little Villain” say? Now what says Massa Greetey? Now what are the base thoughts of the fiendly Bezcuzn? ‘These are some of the fruits of the brave conduct of the President in expelling the Aristocrat spy, and there are more in rapid progress, The entire rebellion will be extinct on Wednesday fo’ t, and we shall then have ample leisure to consider whether Canada or Cuba, or both, shall be annexed in the Fall. The Head to Make a Fortune. Ir is a great mistake to suppose it requires any overwhelming amount of genius to aecumulate a pro erty. On the contrary, it is generally your pudding-headed man who dies worth a plum or two. Monvumentat Inscription FoR THE HunpRED Eecs oF THE Eggseunt Om 3? PytHongss :—“

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON BRIGHTON, APRIL 21, 1862. ApsuTanT (mounted). “ Don’t fall out, whatever you do. Don't fall out, Mr, Buffles. Double up! double up!” } THE TOXICOLOGY OF SHAKSPEARE. Or course nobody ever suspects Punch of joking, as gentlemen say when Mr. Punch has been treading upon their corns, otherwise the subjoined extract out of a Morning Paper, which it has been faithfully copied. from, would be set down at once as one of his facetious inventions :— [ADVERTISEMENT. ] GS HAKSPEARE ON POISONS, anticipating the Hygeian system of James Morison, the Hygeist :— “« «The leperous distilment ; whose effect Holds such an enmity with the blood of man, That, swift as quicksilver, it courses through The natural gates and alleys of the body ; And with a sudden vigour it doth posset,* And curd, like rt dropping into milk, The thin and wholesome B. D.’—Hamlet, Act I. s. 5. *« Issued by the British College of Health, Euston Road, London, for the Society of Hygeists. _The above sublime passage deserves to be written in letters of gold in every city of the world. “** Thicken. + Sour—acid.” There can be no difficulty whatever in ing with the British College of Health and the Society of Hygeists that “the above sub- lime deserves to be written in letters of gold in every city of the world.” To be sure, most people are sufficiently well acquainted with it to know that it occurs in the tragedy of Hamlet, and is the Ghosts description of poison. The particular poison to which it relates they also know to be hebenon or henbane, but perhaps —— before reading i as quoted in the foregoing advertisement, had any idea that it was ikewise applicable to the medicine employed in the Hygeian | | system-of James Morison. It did not indeed, needa ghost come from the grave to tell us that poe were generally aware that Morison’s medicine is professed to be of a vegetable nature, and also that there is such a substance as the extract of henbane or hyoscyamus, which is poisonous, but few, if any, ever heretofore supposed that extract, from a noxious herb to be the vegetable matter out of which Morison’s Universal Vegetable Pills are made. If “SHaxksPzaRE on poisons” wrote the lines “ issued by the British College of Health, for the Society | of Hygeists,” as we are told that he did, “anticipating the Hygeian| system of James Morison the Hygeist,” it would seem that, accord-| ing to the Society of Hygeists and the British. College of Health, the; “Juice of cursed hebenon in a vial” and a box of Mortson’s Pills) are virtually the same thing; perhaps that the pills are simpl the; inspissated juice of the hebenon. If this is so, the authors of the| advertisement which is the subject of these remarks, deserve sel credit for their very disinterested candour, whereunto the public's) indebted for a salutary caution which will, we trust, be posted as it} ought to be in golden letters at least throughout every city in Hz) Masesty’s dominions, Thus forewarned the British Public would be} in no danger of drugging themselves with a “leperous distilment ” cal | culated to produce those frightful effects on the system, and especially | the circulating fluid, which are mentioned , SHAKSPEARE On pois0ls, | anticipating the Hygeian system of James Morison, the Hygeist.” A POLICEMAN WORTHY OF PROMOTION. | On Wednesday last, at the Westminster Police Court, a lad, eighteea | years of age, was brought up before Mr. Paynter, charge with robbing his master of muffins. On being searched, no less than fourteet | muffins were found in different pieces in_his pockets. “What is this | boy ?” inquired the Magistrate. “A Ragamuffin!” was the instat) taneous Teply of a Policeman present. As a proof how very little | reporters in general understand their business, will it be believed that in not one of the reports that appeared in the. next morning’s papels did the brilliant definition of that. worthy functionary (Z. 454) appear: | n the hope that it may lead to his speedy promotion, we beg to supply the omission. CommisstonER Mayne, mind you look to it ! Q. and A. Wuy is the Standard like QuzEn ANNE ? Because it is generally believed to be dead. Printed by Wiles Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 1), Bouverie Street, in Precinct of in the an, City of London, Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, ia the Precinct of Whitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.—Sarunpay, May 3, 1962.

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- to supp | i PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 183 Miss Lajewne (who has been slightly indisposed), is ordered to her Native Hills, and already feels the invigorating effects of the Hampstead Breezes. A KING WITH A STRANGE TASTE FOR MUSIC. Herr Waeyer, the great composer, “for the future” 4.D. 1962), has received sharp orders from the Kine oF axony to return home instantly, Is the King jealous that other parts of the Continent should have so much of the services of his Kapellmeister, and he comparatively so little? He probably wishes to have Wacyer all to himself. Far from quarrelling with the desired monopoly. in the cause of music we heartily rejoice at it. ‘The royal edict will have the effect of narrowing the evil of contami- nating compositions. It is tantamount to a musical qua- rantine, Travellers must not venture too near, or else they may be infected with one of his malignant airs, which are not so catching, perhaps, as they are lowering, leaving a fearful sense of depression behind them. + Henceforth, the flights of Zhe Flying Dutchman will be restricted to one kingdom instead of half-a-dozen. We hope Wacyer will be confined to Dresden all his life. Our Philharmonic will gain from his imprisonment. It will run no further risk of being nearly knocked on the head from another blow of his erratic d¢¢on. However, it is but right that tourists should be made acquainted with the above fact. in their next autumnal excursions, they visit Saxony, they will know precisely what to expect. CLOSE ULTRAMONTANE CONGRESS. THE following item of intelligence appears in the Zablet : ‘** The Papal Secretaryship of State has already received notification of the intended arrival of 400 Bishops in Rome for the great Festival.” At this time of day the above-quoted announcement will be read without alarm. The medieval habits of Romish bishops have been—we believe—generally discarded by their modern successors, few of whom are now suspected of wearing horsehair shirts next their skin and never having that truly Irish linen washed. The prelates of the un- changing Church, as they call it, now change their un- derclothing, however, and when the four hun bishops mentioned by the Zab/e¢ meet together in Rome, there can be no reasonable fear that they will generate a pestilence whereof other people as well as themselves will die in the odour of sanctity. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Wuue Lorp Granviiie was reading that long document on Thursday, Mr. Punch and Lory PaLMERSTON were conversing, in the most affable manner, upon the beauty of the Inauguration day, upon the choice things which would be found in the Building, upon_ the capital music, upon the fitness of STERNDALE BENNETI’s composition to the poetry of the Laureate, upon the different beauty of the ladies who were around, and upon other matters not now necessary to be narrated. “By the way, Pam,” said Mr. Punch, “ when do the Houses meet ?” as bad,” said Pam. eee \ uppose it is 70 , aS you say so,” laughing, is Po what do you mean ?” ;, Don't sell a cove,” said Pam. _, bell be hanged,” said Mr. Punch, “I never do those things.” * Don’t you know that we met on ‘Monday ?” said Pam. « Bother!” said Mr, Punch. «, Fact!” said Pam. ., BRAND ought to have reminded me,” said Mr. Punch. * Well, you’ve lost nothing,” said Pam. “On Monday [we took some money for Civil Service Kstimates, and Staney suggested that ; one day in the week there should be a charge for entrance to the National Gallery.” » What for ? Because, he says, that ladies would like to see the pictures without F.chowed by riggs: soldiers and nursery maids.” n't stand that. There are plenty of picture collections {where wed by their inferiors.” Ww course. Well, we took money for the New Foreign Office and .vestminster Bridge approaches, and Wralazy tried to knock off the item of £500 for athohie chaplains to gaols.” “That would not do, of course. Why, fifteen per cent. of the in our gaols are Catholics,” nigh W I dare say they are,” said Pam. “I don’t care. We didn’t let HALLEY carry it, you may be sure.” . 1 suppose not, especially as the Irish are so desperately in love With you just now. Did you get beaten?” be in ladies can go without fear of being elbo & returned Mr, Punch, | his house. ** Only once.” * Careless fellows you are. * 48 to 24.” Jove! What was it? ’ 3 Highland roads and Scotch bridges—vote for £5000.” ‘* Deuced careless, I tell you, and if I go North this year, and get abused on your account, Ill make no fight for you.” “ One can’t attend to everything.” ; : “No, you’re not attending to GRANVILLE’s reading, for instance. But I repeat that you ought not to be always getting yourselves beaten. Anything else ? ” “ Not on Monday. On Tuesday, Layarp told Krywarp that our Consul at Seville had been ~_ to suspend Protestant Worship in We'll have a row about that.” Do—for more reasons than one.” “ T understand, and Disa. is looking at us. There was the new writ for Oldham.” “Eh? O, ah. We’ve heard a good deal of the Last Words of Mr. Pirt, so we have the Last Words of Mr. Fox, for a change. He’s a clever man, bitter, and telling. I’m sorry he resigns.” “T don’t care about it,” said Pam. “Then Battie CocHRane moved for a commission to inquire into the sale of public buildings, and was floored by 116 to 49.” ‘ “ There ’s a good deal to be said about that, though.” “ T dare say there is,” said Pam. “ A good deal was said. I don’t care. “What a lovely face that woman has, the third from the column.”’ “Yes, she is a relation of mine, and thought to be like me,” said Mr. Punch, “What did you do yesterday ?” ‘ “Nothing worth mention—squabbles over some of the clauses in the Metropolitan Management Bill. Sit to-night at six. Oh, here’s GRANNY at the end of his tether. Now, Gzorey, upandat’em.” Upon looking at the papers Mr. Punch ascertained that his friend the Premier had, in his jaunty way, given a very fair account of the first part of the Parliamentary week, and there has been nothing later which calls for much notice. On Thursday there was a discussion on a Bill providing a registration of births and deaths in Ireland. Mr. Punch is occasionally written to by an infuriated Hibernian who anjustly charges him with over-severity in regard to the Irish. Look at this bit, cut out of the speech of Mr. Macurre, an editor of a leading Irish paper, and Majority ? ” VOL, XLti, U

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184 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 10, 1863, |

the Mayor of and Member for the beautiful city of Cork, statio bene “ Mz. Maguire said the population of Ireland would do their utmost to defeat the measure, if the ice were employed as registrars. It was true that CoLoneL Baowwntoe had said that the constabulary would best carry out the scheme ; but Way SN ee wniie Shed with caspicion, nit uae up every man of the humbler classes in to defeat it if possible.” There! What kind of pestilent savages is Mx. Macurrs talking about ? Kaflirs, or Hottentots, or escaped Sepoys anxious to commit murder with impunity? No, the police-hating le are the Roman Catholic peasantry of ireland, sket by one of their own advocates, who had not a word of condemnation for wickedness, Don’t let Mr. Punch be appealed to again, until Ma Macure’s allegations have been met. : On Friday there was little to notice in either House. On the discus- sion of a about Dilapid —a constant clerical grievance—the Bisnor or Lrscoun enunciated a or which. - to Mr. to be almost irrefragable. Lordship said that the Bill would not, Vt Sangh, releve the present a Kt a F may hards use, with searcely an exception, 1 apply to them. In the Commons, the Mayor or Cork, is the hero of the walk, and who in fact quite an Exhibition of himself, brought fo divers cases of Irish distress, and demanded. public aid. Sm Rosert Pxxx sought to demolish Mr. Macutre’s ease, and did so to a great extent. Clearly, knowing what is going on among the deserving operatives of Lancashire, we should pause before we leave them to starve, and relieve persons who s their money (as shown in the debate) on masses istead of coffins, and who shoot the landlords for trying to give the labourer the means of himself, by cultivating improved land. The subject was “drop;

NOT HALF A WORLD’S FAIR. N consideration we are almost inclined to. Caer the pro- y of calling the ternational Exhi- bition at the Brick Palace the World’s far. Ravenel essen- as they are generally regarded, of a Fair, are absent therefrom. In the first | there are no wild beasts in it ; an omission which . 4 ang Fair, airs, is very unsuitable. en, not only is there no menagerie, but there is no circus, and nothing in the shape of Ricuarson’s; there is no giant, no dwarf, no fat lady, / \ no albino ; nor is . oath } there any learned pig, or lamb with six legs; if there is any gingerbread _it is not gilt ; there are no swings nor roundabouts ; there is not a dancing-booth ; there is no greased pole to climb; no jumping in o aa nNS at snuff-boxes ; and although some representatives of such queer-looking natives as the Mongolian races have stalls in this so-styled World’s Fair, and saddlery abounds, there is no grinning through the horss- collar ; and lastly, nothing is seen or heard of that well-known ingenious plaything which is indispensable to the “fun of the fair.”

THE TWO SIDES OF A “SHILLING.” Tue police authorities at Munich have compelled a coffee-house keeper to alter the “— of his shop, which he had christened the “Caré Scuettine.” They made him remove the “Scxex.ine,” as they considered it derogatory to have a name so revered in literature associated with a coffee, or beer establishment. _ Commissioners of the International Exhibition clearly entertain asimilar horror. From the high figure at which they have fixed for some time to come the prices of f ”; it is evident they are anxious to avoid, as as they can, the notion of any ke a Shilling connected with a building so extremely loft. aristocratic. They unquestionably consider the “ Shilling” would be too lowering.

—= THE FIVE GARTERS. Tue following letter was received by Mr. Punch on Saturday week :— “My dear Puncu,—I have now Five Garters to give away. Will you have one of them, or all? « Eyer yours, affectionately, “ Mr. Punch” ? Paw.” To which Mr. Punch returned the following reply :— “ My dear Paw,—TI have not Five Legs, and if I had, I always wear socks. So dispose of your ribbon as you like, but I think Jomyyy ought to have a yard. “ Yours, most devotedly, “ Lord Palmerston, K.G.” *Puxc The Viscount replied as follows :-— ., “ My dear Puncu,—Of course I will give one to Jomwyy, and make it additionally welcome by telling him that it was your suggestion. But as to the other four? Do you see any objection to this list “ SHAPTESBUBY. “ Cannine. “ FrrzwitLiaM. “ SoMERSET. “ Or does ae else occur to you? I should like to have it off my mind before Exhibition day. “ Ever yours, “ Mr. Punch” Mr. Punch’s rejoinder was this :-— “ My dear Pam,—I have considered your list. ; “Suarrespury. Well. It’s a pomp anda vanity, rather, but if the Bishop of Shaftesbury thinks that Exeter Hall will be pleased, | see no reason against your decorating your spiritual adviser. He is a brick in most ts. “ CANNING, Certainly. You eould not do better. He was not over-wise in the Sepoy business, and I decorated him myself in my own way, but let that pass. Besides, you remember his father, and so do I. “ FirzwitiiaM. Is this a mistake—you write a splendid hand, so there’s no misreading? Who’s Frrzwitiam? I see a peer of that name who is — to call himself Wewrworra. If you mean an | extra compliment to Drixe’s family, I see no objection, but I never | Ho.” cc Pam.” <— of the party you propose to honour, nor, I suppose, has anybody e “Somerset. Hm. He’s a Duke, and a Whig, and has brains—| well, garter him, but you really ought to tell Garter King to alter the | motto a little for him. Make it Homi soit gui poli parle—and see if he | speaks perlite when you read him this bit. : “When you have cut off the five slices, if you have a little bit over, send it to Corz C. B. on account. * Ever yours, ** Tord Palmerston.” * Puncu.” So on the Monday morning the world was informed that the five Garters were given as mentioned, but we have not yet heard anything about the extra bit.

EXHIBITION OF PROTECTIVE INVENTIONS. Wankike implements of destruction are very properly included in the International Exhibition at the Brick Palace, because 1 the first place they afford a warning to those whom it may concert, and secondly they serve to remind us how very much lower we are than the angels, or at least that we partake of the same human nature with some foreigners who are very little above the fiends; considerations which should make us humble. g If, however, we exhibit engines and other weapons wherewithal mankind are accustomed to inflict diabolical outrages on each other, our enemies for the sake of glory and plunder, but ourselves under necessity of self-defence, why do we not also exhibit other machines and instruments which we also use for protection against our e¥ brethren, and which differ from arms chiefly in answering that purpose without inflicting excessive torment and hideous mutilation? There 8 the crank, there is the treadmill, there is the cat o’ nine tails, why don’t we show them? The world is invited to inspect a cannon which blows you into smithereens and another state of existence; but we do nol offer to the contemplation of our fellow-man the apparatus whereby 4 murderer is launched into eternity. Everyone, almost, is eager for the display of the Armstrong Gun, but nobody says a word for tle exhibition of the Gallows.

A Pedestrian Public. On Thursday last week, by way of celebrating May Day, the London General Omnibus Company raised their fares on nearly the whole of their line ; in some cases to double. ‘The consequence 1s, when the conductors ery “ Benk! Benk!” the disgusted public very generally reply, “ Walker ! ”

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but if ased, I Te isa yas not ny own 30 ° L and, s0 of that nean al [ never ny body rains— lter the ee if he vit over, the five nything included ause i concert, are than re with erations rewithal b other, s under nachines our ev jurpose here 1s ‘hy don’t ch blows e do not hereby & » for the chibition Yay, the ~ 3 the is blic very ee Mar 10, 1862.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 185 THE DISSENTING PROCESSION. Tue Commissioners for the International Exhibition present their compliments to the Editor of the Morning Star, and have observed the following remark in his article in the procession on the opening day :— “Tae CHURCH IS NO LESS WELCOME, THOUGH IT MIGHT BE BORNE IN MIND THAT THERE ARE OTHER CHRISTIAN COMMUNIONS THAN THE PROTESTANT AND EPISCOPAL.” They beg to state that, fully recognising the fact, they have made the followin arrangement by which the various Dissenting bodies may form part of the procession at the close of the Exhibition :— The Beadles of the Church of England. Methodists, with Statue of Joun Wesiar. Independ walking dently. Roman C Sicliin, with ayy L Rev. Dr. Ap i Swedenborgians, with banner inscribed 1757. on Sathueen 5 Fiymouth manes. ws Distinet Baptists. Sublapsarians a eo Keeper from and barking. 0 Each gentleman attended by five female slaves. Mystics, with Statue of Mapame Guyon. Mr. Roesvck, dissenting from everybody. More Beadles. ESSAYS AND REMARKS. Bravty.—Women, because beauty is supposed to be peculiar to them, are called the fair sex, but throughout nearly all foreign nations the women are no more beautiful than the men, and most of the men are hideously ugly. In England there are more beautiful women than there are anywhere else; but even here female beauty is so much the reverse of common, that a woman » meaning to say that another is ugly, will term her ordinary, or as that word is too generally pro- no ornary. A beautiful girl, red and white, much resembles an apple tree out in ; only ope fades rather faster than beauty. At twenty, beauty, like the Gravedigger’s tanner, “will last you nine year ;’ a year or two more; very not so many years: but its y, though quickly ob d, is slowly felt. Loss of beauty is of not much consequence to a wife; for a husband soon gets used to his wife’s beauty, and then, if ever so great, it is just as if it were not; ee had therefore better not accept men who want to marry them for their beauty ; and a girl able to get a husband vou durable attrac- oe = ay to be happier in marriage without beauty than she would with it, Beauty is chiefly a matter of limited roundness of form, relative pro- Portion, and colour in the right place; for colour in the wrong place is not beautiful; for instance red at the end of the nose. When rotundity exceeds a certain arch, the form which was beautiful grows funny. Beauty of figure and complexion is best preserved by moderation in tating, not to say drinking, plenty of exercise, and the use of soft water, without any ot er cosmetic than , of which the best is yellow. Beauty of feature is kept longest i abelian envy, hatred, malice, small vanity, and anxiety about money matters; emotions which gra- dually muddle the eye, and pull the outlines of the face out of shape; aaey about money matters es y having the effect of causing a dull unhappy scowl, and distorting the mouth. Hence matronly beauty is rather often spoiled b attention to domestic economy ; yee on the other hand, so very lively a beauty distinguishes uamer- confidence in sol- vency of their oy Ensbends and fathers 90 muy of them do'alihough th as m ou, e Mcome of those gentlemen depends upon their personal industry. . Habitual regardlessness of expense is the chief cause of the superior beauty of the superior classes, especially the aristocracy, producing that beautiful serenity of countenance which reclining in the carri that revolve around the Ring in Hyde Park, they most of them exhibit in pow eee —S sordid yg peels ne in the ouded and puckered visages of those who have, as the saying is, to pull the devil by the tail. om The only perennial beauty is that which is sublimated by cultivating | the moral sentiments and the intellect. It is very rare i .. The | rest is merely animal beauty, and when the beauty goes the animal only | remains ; the grace of the fawn is replaced by the clumsiness of the | cow, the a t young lady expands into the bulky middle-aged | woman ; and e girl that once was mes what she and the dandies who then dangled after her used contemptuously to call an | elderly party.” Here, a woman who had never any animal beauty to | lose, but who has some spiritual beauty which is not to be lost, catches the other u and passes by. Let this be a consolation to every sensi whose personal defects are the subject of satire, if a girl can ever survive such satire, INCONCEIVABLE FATUITY. A Man has just brought an action omnet a chemist for giving him medicine which did not suit the complaint, The plaintiff stated that he was recommended to go to the person in question by the Beadle! The jury, of course, burst out laughing and found for the defendant, who we trust has since been locked up, for a person who would ask a Beadle for advice on any subject cannot be one who should be trusted abroad. Weare far from justifying the conduct of two low fellows who went into the other extreme, and also into the Lowther Arcade, the other night, and kicked the Beadle there, on the ground that he was only a Beadle, nay, we are very glad that they were severely dealt with. But if it be right to fine a man who kicks a Beadle, what should be done unto the man who asks him to recommend a medical attendant ? The only extenuating circumstance seems to have been that the Beadle in question was not also a Sexton, so the wg could not exactly be charged with suicidal intentions. We have seldom read of a case where such hopeless feebleness of mind was manifested, in fact its extraordinary character knocks us into a moral Cocked Hat. The Bare Idea! A Lany and Gentleman were looking down into the bear-pit Zoological Gardens, when the | y (Mas. Jonzs, of Cam exclaimed quite impulsively, “Oh! Why, what a darling lot of ’em!” es, ansv ] gentleman, (Mr. Jonzs, of the same } ty). “TI declare it’s quite pamee—-aeet * = ba = 4 e e = her husband, even laug ough it was _m impossi could have understood the vagal joke. We envy Mas. Jonzs her ignorance. “ my dear,” answ 8O VERY BECOMING, Tue obstinacy with which, in spite of remonstrance and ridicule, ladies persist in wearing hoops amounts to a pig-headedness which is aptly crowned by the pork-pie hat.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. cy [May 10, 1862, pit iillty Ly ty WY | | i a WES 8 SS AFTER DUNDREARY. How DID YoU LIKE HIM?” Second Do. ** Waw-waw-waw. No FELLAW EVAW SAW SUCH A FELLAW. First Swell. “* A-a-waw! Waw! waw! * Aiea. uy i {| ie | I Gwoss CAWICATURE-wWaw !” A FATR WORD FOR A FATR PLACE. SyncHRonovsty with the opening of the World’s Work Exhibition, | the Crystal Palace on May Day began another season. We hope that no one of the thousands who were present at South Kensington lessened their enjoyment by comparisons with Sydenham. Comparisons are | odorous, as Mrs. Malaprop does not observe, although mis-quoters have | continually put the words into her mouth; and to compare the Crystal | Palace with the House that Fowxe built would clearly not conduce | to the aps of the latter. ‘The Crystal Palace is all brightness, | both inside and out ; there is nothing u 1 or unsightly in the building; | when first shown, in slightly different form, in 1851, we all thought it | still more wondrous than the wonders it contained. But as for the | New Edifice—well, we can see how it is domed, and we could wish that | it were doomed ; and we only hope all foreigners who criticise it cruelly will just jump into a cab and see our Crystal Palace, before they say that England cannot build a handsome building. We hope too as the Palace is a pride as well as pleasure to us, that the nation will consider it a duty to support it. Now that season tickets may be had for but a guinea, stingy fathers of a family have but half the grounds they had last-year to say they can’t afford one. Of course we shrink from putting forth un-Christianlike advice ; but if ladies and their daughters resolve to plague Papa at dinner until he buys them each a ticket, he really will be only getting his desert. And don’t let him imagine that the money will be ‘wasted. People can’t well gf to Sydenham without taking lois of exercise (if you doubt it, Mr. Pater, just go and count the stairs), and many a -yo lady has in our belief been saved a visit to the doctor by visiting the place where she may see the famous Fountain ; at which in 1851'there were so many happy meetings, whence so many happy matches resulted in due course. _ WE ASK ONLY For Inrormatioy.—‘ Mr. Giapstone” begins a journal, “has been blessing the people in the north.’ We wonder what the CHANCELLOR OF THE ExcHEqueR said. Was it Zar vobiscum ? a a ee © aera TToi——Wwwearwvm «arufrrcr frfar oom retry, os «l@QISNI AAS a'rononws nor THE OMNIBUS TYRANTS. *Raistvc oF Omnipvs Fares.—On Thursday, pursuant to public notice, the London General Omnibus Company raised their fares on nearly the whole of their line of omnibuses. In some cases the rise amounted to a doubling of the fares. Were there really Free \Trade in Omnibus traffic, there could be 10 | objection to this act of rapacity. Bueerns has a right to charge a | ound, instead of ten shillings, for a hat, if you cam go over 1| Snocerns, and get a hat for ten bob. But the Omnibus Company | have driven, or tried to drive, every competitor off the road ; and, as | capital must succeed in such attempts, we are at the mercy of the| L. G.O. C. Now, when the Cabmen revolted, Parliament smashed | them, and, pro bono publico, we are far from sure that this Omnibus extortion does not afford a case for an exceptional return to Protection. The greatest happiness of the greatest number is the true rule; and there is no happiness whatever in walking to Brompton, especially in heat and dust. Where’s Bos Lowe? If he wants to go in fora bit of popularity, of which he has not too much, let him deal with these omnibus folks. Let the cry be Lowe Fares! Goit, Bos! & What to Call It. Tue long word “ International” Is pedantic and irrational, **Show ” is vulgar, and unfit for pomes ; So let ’s silence all revoilers, And because we ’ve got Tur Boruers, Let us christen the new place THE Domes. TRIFLING ERRATUM. By Telegram from America. For “the Federals gained a splendid victory at Pittsburg,” “the Federals sustained a terrible defeat, Sc”? Union journals, read | ease Copy. Geen cease 3éo

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THE MAY-DAY PRESENT. Mrs. Britarnia. “ OH, THANK YOU, MR. BULL, VERY MUCH! I CAN’T THINK IT QUITE SO PRETTY AS THE ONE YOU GAVE ME ELEVEN YEARS AGO.” Mr. Buu. “HM! P?RHAPS NOT, DEAR MADAM—BUT YOU SHOULD SEE INSIDE!” ! Ss St*seezstsaest#zs 33 i=] a 4 © - n 8. oon go ees ers = S a | Sug ORS Saes tao -BZLS Ay o's ¢ Ea — FR s = 4 | B°f eH ogt- SES 2S Sa = og @ Sof SOS 20 os SSeS | &

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a SES 8 BSR SESE ESESOS |

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3 Mar 10, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE TWO QUEENS IN THE EXHIBITION. (On the Night of May Yst, 1862.) Mrowtext in the monster Building, Fair the other, with a beauty * Nay, but,” Handicraft retorted, The day’s labour done, : Passing bi fr; = “On the mpper floor ? Silence, where two thousand voices Star-bedropped her azure raiment, Moved I not nigh long-drawn galleries, Pealed but now like one; And her crown a star. with all thy store ? For the os of thrice three thousand, y= am pect feature oe on es marble Here I pace ent in form ou thy migh — From the a cial When she opes her lips, tis music, Man and sea, earth and cloudland, To the empty throne. en she moves, ’tis grace. Claiming for thine own ? ” the vasty void of silence Straight to me, through their unlikeness, So was urged these Queens’ contention, Did I hear a sound ? These two were known, » a aswer ft Ved ay enon baal? And I marked each on other Giving reasons wh other Fireman on his ? Pressed the vacant throne. On the throne » & sit. Or Policeman slow patrolli Strong Queen Handicraft to honour Till at last quoth Art,—divided Was tat'glam bis buifveyestreaning, | Fa Quoen Art with sweet resistance, « Needs there prof, fiat to this throning as s-eye q air Queen with swee' Or his moon-lit tile ? Waived the throne again. Ne’er a claim have I? e’er fell tread of mine so stately, Yours,” quoth Art, “is this profusion “ Look around ; though all these treasures * no fireman so: is Of the fruits of toil, mi Of thy wide domain * Not thus sounds policeman’s blucher, Loom and forge-work, clay and erystal, Bore my seal, that here I’m alien, eavy- and slow. Growth of seed and soil. __ It would still be plai Never m blinding bull’s-eye Yours this sp of men-spiders, In the Building eontains them i that : Honey of men’s hives ; Place nor part I owe, Never moon with such an aureole What creates or costs men comfort, From the domes that rise above us, *s hat. Makes or mars their lives.” To the . Lo, two shapes from out the darkness “Nay,” quoth Handicraft, “the roughing “ Can I take this throne, surrounded Of the nave haye grown ! Of the mass is mine ; By so many a si Hand in hand they near the dais, | But’tis séy hand gives the beauty, Whoso owns ‘ikia teak *s allegiance, Near empty } Moul by . Tis no of mine P By the beamy crown that circles | Thine the forms of c ay and erystal, These glazed-sashes, -patterned, t brow, Tron, brass and gold, Courts of run By their royal orbs Textile pattern, woven colour,— And where space had lent a beauty, These be Queens I trow. Gorgeous to behold ! Hideous trophies piled ? Strong the one of thew and sinew, Bos ’st thou sooth,” fair Art protested, “To my galleries I’ll betake me, Giant-like of limb ; thou revail’st no more ; 5 There apart 1 ’ll reign : Coal-black is the robe upon her, | Mine the hand which shapes the coinage, Strive who will, no force shall make me Fire her crown, doth rim ; Thine which the ore. Own ¢his my domain. ee Ss oe | Tam but a humble handmaid, Lost the chance that here had throned us, Like Thor’s of old ; Chain’d to thy behest, Joint Queens, side by side ; And her feet, they clank like iron, Thou, that in this age of iron | Toil with Taste, and se with Beauty , *Neath her garment’s fold. | Dost as likes thee best.” | ~ Empire to divide.” SOMETHING LIKE A MAYOR. Ir we were not Punch, we would be the Mayor or Dover. That eminent individual—we have not the faintest idea of his private name— must be always in a state of gui vive, which, next to i is the happiest state in which a man can exist. , day and night, in beautiful clothes, and his in fall dress, and his tongue prompt with affluent eloquence. For he never knows at what hour of the T'wenty- four periods into which our troubles are divided he may not have to bounce out of nn hasan, Soa down to the harbour to receive somebody, and to thank that Party for coming to England. The , hat M 3 mind would be an interesting one. His whole life—that is while he is Mayor—must be one constant Look Out. He must have a neat sentence perpetually trembling on his lips, and we make no doubt that when he is suddenly wakened in the morning by the housemaid’s knock and the announcement of shaving-water, his first inarticulate answer ng like a complimentary white horses moving in pro- his oration cannot be heard. a U By: the po sana — of whieh e Mayor w es and eloquence hours, if King, or an Archduke, or an Ambassador, or a Returned Proconsul, or a Liberator, or a signalled as f reek ti ree A . The Mayors of other places are not much and as for our Lorp Mayon, no kings and libe- in upon him—he invites them, But the Mayor or Dover never knows when he with something in the way of a speech from the throne, nel ag: Lig cong bag a trying ya the other day when Lorn Cannine down with a recapitula- July 1855, and L en that od ob cies ladies rales tines Bere , fe i jamongst the officers of Hex Magestr’s | interested in the maintenance of the character Royal | is a little | D n G and wanting a speech from the | & Lorp Crive. We should think that a tremendous re-action must set in when the Mayor goes out, and that after a year of preternaturally elaborate compliment at all hours, he must subside into a social cynic. Instead of saluting his acquaintance with tq “Ah, my dear mone I had a presentiment of pleasure, but me when I assure you that the gratification of encountering thus unexpectedly transcends my expectations,” the ex-Mayor will t be justified in condensing his eestacies for the rest of his into ‘ Kyocxes, is that you?” Is there no special tnatimanial presented to the Mayor or Dover on his quitting office? There ae ay ought to be a mark of distinction for the man who when Dover’s Powder has been exhibited in the form of a Salute, comes forward and interprets 8 the voice of the cannon into Q the inscription should be Suave Mayori , which in the most subtle manner hint at the sweetness of his speeches, and the element whence the auditor arrives to hear them.” A COMPLIMENT TO A GALLANT COLONEL. We understand that a subscription is in course of being raised ye and other persons the British Army, for the presentation of a testimonial to CoLonat Bentinck of the 4th uards, to mark their sense of the conduct as an officer and a mtleman whereby he distinguished himself in his treatment of APTAIN ROBERTSON, and also as a witness on the Martial held on that officer. The testimonial is to consist of board, inlaid with an inseription in red and gold letters reco intention as a richly deserved Ww To this honourable token of respect and esteem will be affixed a round robin whereon be em the names of the donors. Tue Question or Perer’s Psencz.—Gentleman, ar yer got ar a eopper to relieve a poor old Pops ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. . (Mar 10, 1862. —_ ‘THE UNKNOWN BULL.” | CUT THE CADS. | ° a N the eve of May Day,|_,W#AT does the Morning Star say to this, in @mswer to a ques.| Which we take from the leading New York tion from Mr. Kny-|2¢wspaper? After a denunciatory reference to NAIRD :-— . |the recent passage of arms between Lords |W d falsely descri | Westsury and CHELMsForD (falsely described, “Mn. Lavarpregrettea | Of course) the organ of Americanism (April 9) to say that information | S4¥YS— po ghey are Sa ‘‘ Before the English obtained a penny press such scenes of the Spanish authorities | 224 such language, on the part of public men and news- Sevi the English | P4Pers, were unheard of. haplain had bee : . Sb pelled to gh “the| 1s not this ungrateful? This is the return celebration of protestant | which Americanism makes to Englishmen who worship on the consular | fawn upon it. The implied charge is a lie, the — |penny journals are generally written as de. | corously, if not in as educated a style, as were | if his Holiness th their predecessors, but those who have truckled P a _ rally ¢ to Yankeeism are really served right. _ Come, | he ¢ — = aoa ihere is a good opportannty for “ sweeping the | t * -— OF a | kitchen,” and we hope to see it done with a & commanding | will. The Star will never stand this. What a shame it is, her not to allow Pro- testants to be perse- | cuted in her domi-| ‘ : nions, because perse- | The Great American Question. = pao .~ | Ir the North should conquest win testant vernments In yon fratricidal nets . ight » eonater | For the Northern debt let in ieniiea: te. semaaiien Will the South its quota pay ? pon os nding intoler Failing, will the North submit ance, that the British So Se basen, oe seehes 2 Taxes ; and its lenders, bit, li ° bat Have to whistle for their due? signal and able act “Te Porr’s Conner.”—Anything but the Cornucopia. Q wot grain they puts away in their little gizzards, and why begridge it pS BIRDS AND BEASTS. um? In zum Ppeces I understands varmers has wot they calls sparrer- Mr, Puwcn, | aa ee feasts to jollify over the zlaughter on’em; and I’ve know’d um gee Same time as your gurt Exhibition’s open out there at|the parish boys a varden for the head of every sparrer they brought Brompton we’ve got one of our own hereabouts i the leaves and| um,” I wish you’d zend one 0’ your young men down in these parts to vlowers openun vor the zummer, which in my pinion wall your fine | ie my nabers a lectur or two on natural histry, a subjeck about which furniter; but there, 1 be only a clown. Besides a Exhibition, Sur, | they be as ignorant as vorreners, and wuss, for I see the French likewise got a consart wherein the chief perfarmers is the drush, | have a bin turnen their tention to putten a stop to bird-zlaughter, or ird, goldfinch, nfinch, chink/#innut, menbunen, snd other | as I calls ut dickycide, witch them as commits sarve um right if their wobblers. As I be fond o’ this here music o’ natur, I’ve been plased | crops was all dewoured by cockchafer-grubs, and wire-wurms, and half to oo ae we bin es ont zong-birds » png we his vast taters.* I be, Sur, et zettrer, portun of um, as I may zay, to Botany Bay; and I was glad t’other| « 7 “ Cock Rosin.” day to zee the follern passidge, or wotever you calls it, in the peaper :— Maybush, May Day, 1862. “ A Novet Importation.—Nine magpies, seven quails, three thing jackasses, twelve rose-breasted coc! pay Paneer ed ven Sone work by killing bs and in a garden.” grubs ani 2 ‘ 99 “May be as how = think magpies, quails, and cockatoos, with THIS COMES HOPPING. laafun jackasses to help um, and a wallaby, wotever that is, besides,| Wx see that a deputation has been waiting on the CHANCELLOR OF oodn’t make much of a fill armonic. 1 daresay the laaf of a laafun | rue ExcHEequer on the subject of “hop drawbacks.” Of course, jackass ain’t partickler musical. But that ain’t the pint. I be lookun | these allude to the ladies’ long dresses, expansive skirts, and monster to the m as zoon as they was let goo, zettun to a killun the grubs | crinolines ; for such are the greatest “hop drawbacks” that we are and cattypillers. Now, as to that there operashun, the little zingun | acquainted with, inasmuch as they natural interfere with the grace birds is as useful as the magpies. With that fact afore a feller’s eyes oa facility of dancing. All the great celebrities connected with our it puts un out 0’ pashunce to rade sitch ignorunce as this here out 0’ the | Casinos, Caldwells, and Cremornes, who make a pursuit of Terpsichore, Stamford Mercury :— = mye yd to w a a c de — . oot open a ete, wien la —_ - ir | NaTHAN n alive, how gracefully and pointedly he would ha cthention 0 anew mode ona a velihood Some = hen _ — described the entire thing with Fis toe! He need not have spoken— the last two or three market days o Sealing and Holbeach with hundreds of | he would have danced. He would have laid his grievances at the a ae a & binds (which they had poisoned) strung | (aNCELLOR’S feet through the graphic medium of a delet, and the | aoe sageaae! Se eee oe ee : figures he would have brought forward would have had that extrainant “ And then it went on to say that wot these here wagabunds pizuns | force and impulsive é/an in thean that GuapsTone must have been ure- the little birds wi is mostly assnic, stricknine, and fosferus—a_pretty | sistibly carried away with them ! sart o’ stuff to lave about for game and pidguns, if not Christians, to salted ihciea Selected ate as well as little birds! I wish these here goouns on was cunfined to Lincunsheer, but I be zorry to zay that we be flat countrymen enuff Good Popish News. about a, zum onus, to incurridge the zame barberous perceduns, and ‘ Sit FS pizon off all the little birds wot destroys the hinsex. Carpinat pE AncEuis, Archbishop of Parma, has, it is said, been “Tf varmers dwooan’t mind, in a shart time there wan’t be nare | chosen to succeed Porz Pius THE Nunta, when the latter shall be a*lark nor a finch o” no kind, and not a tomtitt nor a yallerhammer left. | really de angelis. There is a sort of gleam of comfort in this, for Wot a shame and a pity to goo destroyun the purty wobblun quier | Ancztus is “a name implying a duty,” and if we are to have au vrom off the veace o” the urth just like zmokun zo much blight! *Tisall | more Popes, it would be convenient that they should recognise sue along ©’ bein unbelievun Jews ; there is no baitun into their heads that | things as duties. Moreover, an Angel means one who is sent, and the small birds baint varmant, but instead o’ that ates the varmant up and | name holds good omen of its owner soon being sent about his business. zo zaves the,varmer dree or vower, ate, nine, or ten times as much as | So, didimus Papaliter in honour of his Holiness elect. * The insect meant by our correspondent s conjectured to be the Aphis vastator Eb. katoos, and one wallaby have been impo: into Auckland, | ~ a es cclimatisation Society. Two of i eesarefilare were let loose el

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‘and the | ntrainant yeen Ire- Mar 10, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 191 FROZEN OUT SAILORS. ow that floating iron shot-towers are to constitute our fleet, and apparently there soon will be no ships used in our service, there comes the ques- tion what our naval sailors are - do to et a living, for it is p that they will soon be no more wanted in the Navy. When there are no more ships to there can be no more need of sailors; and as for paying able seamen to man a fleet of flat-irons with neither masts nor spars, this would be no less a waste of wages than an insult to our tars. Steam is bad enough in the opinion of old salts, oo and doubtless many a strong adjective has been hurled upon the heads of the lubbers who invented it. But though steam in a great measure has in the Navy it has mostly su been used as an auxiliary; and until such floating forts as the Merrimae were thought of, the Navy still had ships, and although they had steam- engines in them eg? had also masts and sails, Now, however, if the cupolas succeed, the Navy will consist of shot-towers, not ships: and our sailors must look out for other means of livelihood, as their naval occupation will of course be at anend. As for getting them to serve on board of “them blanked flat-irons,” that will certamly be hopeless, and indeed it were a waste of money if we could, for to do mere stoker’s work one does not want a sailor. e can fancy the disgust with which a man-o’-war’s man, one of the old school, would hear that he was wanted to serve onboard a cupola! We should think he would as lief ee and out, as be stewed up in an iron barge without a sail to reef, or a rope to handle. When our sailors leave the Navy a what is to become of them ? We cannot have a lot of strong-limbed lusty fellows going about the streets in gangs, and oo “Got no work to do-o-o! ” like frozen- out market-gardeners. Clearly some plan must be hit upon to make use of their muscle, and the sooner we begin to think of one the better. It would be grievous to see sailors driven to drive cabs, or coming out as "bus-conductors. Yet doubtless this too many of them will be forced to do, unless timely steps be taken to provide them with employment. We quite expect if we live long enough to hear a ‘“‘ What cheer, mess- mate!” interchanged between two "bus-drivers, or else to hear a Hansom cab stopped by a big mountain of a piled up Pickford’s Me ory out, “Now then, you lubber, heave a-head with your three- er! A WONDERFUL WOMAN. . Wuat remarkably queer people there ‘must be in the world! For instance, only look at this advertisement for one, which astonished us the other morning in the Zimes :— FURNISHED APARTMENTS TO BE LET, to a single lady, con- n wy asitting-room and bed-room in a villa residence near Westbourne Grove. Now, just fancy a single lady having room enough inside her to con- a couple of rooms. What a very extraordinary person she must be! Where in the world does the advertiser think he will discover her ? fetes when he does so he will make an exhibition of her. She would be fully as attractive as Junta Pastrana. But we rather apprehend that these “furnished apartments” will be empty a long while before their owner finds a lady “containing a sitting-room and bed-room” to be tenant of them. Confederate’s Latin. Guxerat Beavrecarn has telegraphed to our office to state that there was a mistake in supposing that he said, near Purdy, purdi-di- diem, for he neither lost the day nor made the speech. But what he i begs to send with his best beauregards, THE PROPHETE PLAYED FOR THE FIRST TIME BY A LADY. We extract the following delicious morceau from a recent number of Bell’s Life :— (THE WAY to MAKE MONEY on the TURF.—A Lady of five years experience on the Turf, having realised a nice income, is willing to IMPART HER SYSTEM, which is very simple, to any one who will send her one sovereign. Address, &c. Enclose a stamped directed envelope, We have had Prophets enough on the Turf, but a Prophetess is quite a new character. at can a lady’s “experience” on the Turf be like? We should say it ought to consist mainly in seeing that the beds are well aired, and that the lawn is properl lernager pres Pow similar female occupations, Little girls should Levu of the , as the ausaber of sharp & that are generally found there makes it very us sport, and they might cut their little fingers. However, if she has made “a nice income” of it, she must have had rare winnin ways of her own. We do not like the for the “stam envelope” mueh, It sounds mean for a lady to ask for a penny just after she has been pocketing a sovereign. We do not call it being exactly ise,” though her would have every right to be considered “pound foolish.” The lady does not give her name, but we presume it must be Bet. By the bye, if this new race of prophetesses meets with public encouragement, they will be wanting a sor of thie ony for tacir advartionmentn ama cot. respondence. We beg to recommend to them a Belle’s Life. One of its great features naturally would be the Ring. For es, we do not admire ladies who have anything to do with the stable. They never should venture on the Turf, unless there shoald happen to be a Nursery there. A BIG NAME FOR A BIG PLACE. Now that we have got our World’s Show, what are we to call it? “International Exhibition” is such a mouthful of a name, that no one but an elocutionist can easily pronounce it. “ International Exhibition ” may do very well for orators who like to use words, but for ’bus drivers and cabmen something shorter must be su en who are accustomed to call the City the “Stee,” and to of the Bank of England as the “ B’nk,” can hardly be , to waste their breath in saying “ International Exhibition.” What they will contract it into, goodness only knows; but to prevent some horrid barbarism, it is surely time for somebody to think of some short title that will suit the cabbies. The South Kensington Museum has been called the Desagten Bilers; and if we don’t take care, the new building may possibly get christened * Fowxnr’s Folly.” “More last Words.” Tere is discussion whethéfthe last words of Wri1am Prrr were a foolish sentimentalism, an unworthy _ of maundering, or an un- necessary oath. As all the witnesses discredit each other, and as each report is discreditable to the memory of a great mon pe may fairly reject the whole mass of senile gossip, and believe that . Prrr died like a gentleman, an idea which, strangely enough, has not occurred to any of the living gentlemen who have been protracting a not very edifying controversy. Do they think it absolutely necessary that the theatrical rule should apply, and that a man should attempt a moé at the moment he leaves the stage of life ? A General's Head in Chancery. A New York r says that “GeneRaL M‘CLELLAn’s position before York-iown is like that of a man who is «gd in the British Court of Chancery.” More like it than, probably, the writer was aware. For, on examining the map, we perceive that at the south is Steery Hotz Hox.ow, that when we have got to Harr Way House we find that we have another Hatr Way Hovse to reach, and then a third Haury Way Hovss, that Comrort Licut Hovse is far behind, that in full view is Jar IsLawp, and that the whole is commanded by Bie BEerHEL, THINGS NOT GENERALLY KNOWN. PxortE may not be generally aware of it, but if Mn. Cowrzr is to be believed, ig Ben is altered in tone; they have raised him to B-quiet. A SURE WAY OF MAKING IT RICH. Wnar is the best way of buying a currant-dumpling ? With the current coin, to be sure. say, and a which he for the benefit of Ganmeas Geant, is, Non cuivis contingit adire ‘Connernum, “Tae Souprer’s TeAR.”—It’s generally the Gallery. @ °

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PUNCH, OR [May 10, 1862, A CLINCHER. Lrrrie Apa (whose elder Sister and Brother have been sent for from the Drawing- City, that is no reason why the Porsg, by the temporal mis- | room). “ I don’t see why I shouldn’t go down-stairs as well as you and Albert. as.much Parlour Blood in my veins as you have!” THE LONDON CHARIVARI. '’ A REVIVED POET. (See Mr. Punch ever so long ago.) I am the Poet of the Philharmonic, ho some years back com in Punch a Tonic, Which I hoped would bring peace between Bennett and OSTA, | But regret animosity has been permitted to foster. Surely it is time Costa should alter his Demeanour, And forget all that Mistake and Nonsense about Parisina, STERNDALE is not stern, and they state has made a Sign That he will forget and forgive if Costa behaves Benign. Now 1, ag should trample on the Devil of Wrath and pleen, Apologise like a gentleman, and let all be serene, And as has been suggested by an able Contemporary, Make some Amends as Aumanum est Semper errare, | Request the gracious Mr. Greg to ask Dr. Bennett | To produce his Ode at Covent Garden, the Musical Senate, | Mr. Costa conducting it firm and brilliant as Marble, Which might indeed be Deemed making Amende honorable. | Then the Public will rejoice at the re-union of the gifted Secessioners, And with one heart turn round and cordially kick the International Commissioners. ANOTHER SHAM. Tue elegant phrase now used to describe a ridiculous meal which is neither one thing nor t’other, and unfits you for both, is a Déjeuner Dinatoire. Bother such bosh. If people want Mr. Punch to come to breakfast, let ’em ask him, and he won’t. If they want him to come to dinner, let °em ask him—and he will come or not, according to his knowledge of their wine. But if they think that he is going to spoil his habitually beautiful breakfast, in order that he may eat and drink something that will spoil his habitually beautiful dinner, they know very little of Mr. Punch. Déjeuner Dilatoire be its name, D.D. be its initials, and “ Fiddle D.D.” be any sensible person’s answer to | an insulting invitation to murder a healthy appetite. A Nur ror Naproteon.—Because Rome is the Eternal I’ve | government of Rome, should be suffered to make Rome | an eternal bore. SPECULATIONS ABOUT MONE, AND WITHOUT ANY; MONEY. Tue only fpogeietions we allow ourselves are mental ones, because they are perfectly safe, and can always be indulged in without the expenditure of a single penny. ‘ Besides, if they do occasionally turn out badly, you are not compelled to put down your horse, or to drink two glasses. of wine per diem instead of three, or to exchange lump _ sugar for moist, in consequence of the result. Neither insanity nor suicide were ever known to grow out of a confirmed indulgence of the practice. Mental speculations may be called the art of speculating with profit and security without any money. Amongst other harmless things, we like to launch into the wildest speculations about money. It is a kind of consolation for not possessing any one’s self, You feel all the richer at the moment, and are none the poorer when it is over. For instance, here are two little speculations in which we recently invested a very agreeable quarter of an hour whilst smoking a mild cigar :— First Speculation. What is a Circular Note? At first, we thought it might be a milliner’s note for a lady’s crinoline ; but we soon discarded that absurd idea, and, taking another puff at our Hayannah, came to the conclusion that a note must have been originally so framed for the purpose of holding a good round sum. Second ion. What isa “Shin-Plaster?” We had often heard of Shin-Plasters, but never having seen one, we could not Le 4 well wiake out what they were like. A fancy struck us that pe might be plasters for the special relief of persons who had itching palms, but as the “shin” was plainly indicated, of course, that notion egg fell to the ground as well as the succeeding one that they were probably intended to relieve persons who were labouring under a complaint of the chest. Puffing away again, we could only solve the difficulty by wapposing: thes a shin-plaster was nothing better than a kind of poor man’s substitute when he couldn’t get the real “golden ointment,” and was an ingenious specific invented in the first instance by a weak government that was on its last legs, and was obliged to resort to this uack remedy with the view of maintaining anything like a footing in the money-market. The above speculation 1s, we confess, a most | elaborate one, but the ‘extreme ingenuity of it amused us, besides enabling us to finish in a most agreeable frame of mind our delicious | cigar. + ae Such speculations are exceedingly harmless, and moreover they have | this great merit, that they are never likely to be the ruin, much less the. death, of any one. For instance, we, ourselves, after the above 0 fitable investment of a quarter of an hour, felt as happy and as con-| tented, as if we had just been making a handsome little coup of fifty thousand pounds on the Stock Exchange. A Broken Saw. Waen rogues fall out, our fathers said, True men come by their own. That proverb ’s now, by fact quite dead Against it, overthrown. Lo, ‘North and South the sword have drawn, And meet with bayonets crossed! And our supply of cotton’s gone, Our weavers’ living lost. Another Q. and A. “ Have we too many Women in this England of ours at the present day?” This is a question asked, pertinently, by a contemporary. "° reply, certainly not, but they take up a ee deal too much room v this Kngland of ours, and act as if they thought it was an England o} theirs. Therefore we would say—off with crinoline, or off to Columbia. Tue Distance FROM THE Exursrtion Burupine or 1851 10 THAT or 1862.—“ From the Crystal Palace to the Cole-Hole.” Printed by Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pan in the County of Mi William Brad of No. 13, U ddlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of City of tend, Prntern at Cis Otic ‘im Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No. 8, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City

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, most besides elicious oy have less the. ve pro- aS COn- of fifty _—_ Mary 17, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 193 a A COOL REQUEST. Wind N.E. Thermometer 29°. in and get me that pretty Flower.” Ciara, “ Well, Charley, dear, as you say you are such a good Swimmer, do jump MR. SLEIGH AND THE LAND THAT’S FREE. Noruine like true Liberalism for making root and branch work. Mr. Sreieu, the legal candidate, who opposed Mr. Douttow, the pottery candidate, for Lambeth, and was defeated by a slight majority of 5124 to 754, is so convinced that the people do not understand the true value of their electoral privilege, that he proposes to pass a law to make every elector present himself at the poll, and, under penalty of a fine, either vote, or declare himself Neutral. An un- fortunate person in the crowd ventured to cry out “We live in a free country,” and we understand that the look of scorn with which he was instantly scorched by Mr. Ste1¢H was so intense, that its vividness, combined with the heat of the day, melted the rash man up like wax-work, and if he had not been promptly removed to the nearest public- house, his widow would have had, instead of a husband, only two half-boots filled with liquified human nature. Live in a free country, indeed! But we think that Mr. Sieien lets the offenders down too easily, and that instead of a pecuniary fine, a much severer penance should be inflicted on electors, when a Liberal candidate looks for them in vain. Should not an elector who fails to attend at all, be soundly flogged? Should not an elector who gives only a split vote instead of a plumper for the Liberal be sent to penal servitude? And really, while we are asking questions, should not an elector who votes for the Liberal’s opponent be drawn, as of old, on a Sleigh to the place of execution, and be hanged? The only difficulty that could arise is where, as at Lambeth, there were three Liberals, and a poor elector — not know which to support—each being, as at Lambeth, not a bit better than the others. But this is a mere question of detail, and though Mr. Sreren is not, unfortunately chosen to be the Alter Hyo of Mr. W. Wi1- LiaMs, he might draw up a Bill making the desired change in the Constitution, and hand it to the Law advisers of the Crown. We shall learn the value of our privileges one of these days. “Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow.” TueERe has long been a most provoking talk of GENERAL Goyon leaving Rome. Why doesn’t he leave at once? In auctioneer’s phraseology, let us hope we shall soon hear that it is “ Goyon—Goron —Gone!” In fact, we should — to hear of a general departure on the side of the rench, PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. May 5TH, Monday. The country attorney must be up and stirring, and hasten to put the screw upon his M.P. For Lorp Westsury has caused the House of Lords to his Conveyancing Reform Bills, and if these be not defeated in the House of Commons, they will become the Law of the Land, and the Land will pay less to the Law. It is rather awful to contemplate; but we are actually at this moment in sg of erg able to make a cheap and safe title to property, and to uy and sell it without paying as much for the sheep-skins as for the sheep-walk. But, thank Mammon, we have a House of Attorneys, or something that will show itself as mindful of their interests as they themselves could be. Up, Six-and-eightpences, and at ’em ! any other person supposed to belong to the educated classes, but would choose a member whose chief merit should lie in his being an exact fac- simile of our friend Viscount Wittiams. As Nature does not make two peeete alike, there was a difficulty in procuring the ome article, and, by a pardonable confusion in the Metropolitan mind, the recollec- tion that potter’s clay was easily fashioned into any desired form, sent the electors into a potter’s yard to look for their man. There they found the potter himself (and a very clever and eminent potter he is) ; and so they invited him to potter in the House of Commons. Mr. SLEIGH, the barrister, ventured to suggest that he would be a better member, and Mr. WickINson, somewhat contumeliously called a WILKINSON, haughtily apprised the Lambeth public that he should neither canvass, flatter, nor carry them, but if they liked to elect him they might. They did not like, nor would they have Mr. Sie1eu, but they, that is to say 194, out of 21,737, voted for Mz. Frepericx Doutton, the Figulus oresaid, and to-night he took the oaths and his seat as Wuurams II. e believe Mr. Dovuron to be a sensible, business-like gentleman ; a we were considerably pleased with him for informing tue impetuous lectors of Lambeth that if by! thought he was going to start off at once at a gallop, like a tailor on horseback, they made a mistake, as he intended to be silent, and study the manners and customs of the House, beth declared that it would not be represented by a barrister, or | b before he essayed to improve its mind. One Dean Swirr has a couple of lines which, without change of names, curiously apply to the debate of the night— ** Next, here’s [Str] Rosert’s vindication, And Mr. HeEN.ey’s last oration.” Mr. Ropert Lowe has not yet been barrownighted that we have heard of, or the line would be complete. To-night Mr. Wa.poLe announced that as the Government bad submitted so very obediently on the Education Question, he should not put his foot on their necks Mr. Ropert Lows, as above mentioned, “ vindicated” himself, an Mr. HENLEY made an oration on the importance of Religious Educa- tion. Mr. WaLrer very nearly carried a proposal for making the education of the less favoured and fortunate classes rather more casy, ut was defeated by a narrow majority—seven only, in a house of 319. In the discussion on a subsequent proposal, the Honourable DoucLas Pennant, a Conservative, and member for Carnarvonshire, had the courage to say that he believed the Welsh language to be the Curse of Wales, being the great obstacle to improvement. Of course it is, but while a pack of sentimentalists keep up a twitter about it, and offer prizes for Welsh odes and such like Gorilla utterances, how 1s the fatal jargon to be exterminated? Here’s a health to Epwarp THE First, | though we are sorry to say that historians now disbelieve that he did spliflicate highborn Hoxrx, soft Luewettyn, Moprep, who made Plinlimmon shudder with his dissonant ballads, and the rest of the Welsh Bards—whose only merit was their having afforded T. G. the subject for an ode that will outlast Snowdon. Tuesday. Mr. Darsy Grirrita. “ Will Lorp Patmerston say whether any hostile movements against Herat have been undertaken by the Shah?” Lorp Patmerston (as Echo). “ Psha!” It was all very well to say “psha” to that eternal quidnunc, Mr. Darsy Grirrits, but our dearly beloved Pam was a little rude to- |, night, and much as we love him, we cannot allow him to take liberties. He was asked a question about the Spithead forts, when he broke out VOL, XLII. x

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194 PUNCH,. OR. THE LONDON CHARIVARI: —_—. {May 17,, 1862, ite ily, and accused the House of having.been so completely run away with by the account of the Mérrimac: and Monitor battle that it was. no use remonstrating, so Ministers had felt it their-duty to yield to the general feeling. But he did not feel at. all convinced that they had done right, and then he seolded the House:for taking details out of the hands of the Government.. Now, MAsTER stand up and listen to us.. You are very fond of yielding, as you it, when you can’t stem the. tide, that is to say, you.co rather than be beaten and turned out. You have thrown over a Reform Bill, and you have thrown over the Revised , and you would throw over two or three other things sooner than be put in a hole. All very well, but if you believed, in your heart, that these forts were. necessary to the safety of your country, your duty was to stick to: them, and take the conse- uences. As for the defences of the country being: a detail which the ouse is not to meddle with, that, Master Pam, is such ridiculous nonsense, that we can only suppose you were. out. of temper, and said the first thing that came into your;head:. The fight between those ships.is the most important in: modern times, and though the Quarterly Review takes your tone about “ clamour” and so on (perhaps you wrote the article for your. neighbours in Albemarle Street), we | shall want a good many more articles, and a good many more snubs, before we lose sight of the fact. that. the Americans have tried the experiment which we have only been talking about. You are not usually an offender in this way, and therefore we. are content with a monition upon this-occasion. You may sit.down. Mr. Lyaut wished to hand over Ceylon to the Indian Government. | Lorp Sranzey thought the. Indian Government. had enough to do. The debate was useful, because it) made a great number of Members | aware for the first time that Ceylon is not under the Indian Govern. | ment, but under Srr.CHARLEs Woop as-Colonial Secretary—and not as | Secretary for India.. Yah, Cox, did you.think you had,canght us out ? Mr. WHattey And derision, Squashed that silly: youth, Wuattey’s Folly was disposed of by 191 votes to 117. Mr. Linpsay was then defeated by 115 to 77 on a motion in favour of Harbours of Refuge, for which he made out.a.very good. case; but, as Mr. MILNER Gipson frankly and fairly said, please consider our taxes. We can only just keep our own heads above water, and for the present the navigators must look to themselves. At the same time: we: wouldfar-sooner make a Harbour than an Armstrong battery, would circumstances allow. — The Red Sea Telegraph Bill went on.a stage, and’ Mr. Punch mentions this by way of peg to haug the statement that. he reads; week by week, | that the Frenchmen are cutting through the Isthmus: of Suez, though | Pam said it would be Suezcidal policy in England to permit it. Will somebody question him hereon, or we shall have the Sand cut, and an ode by Gzorezs Sanp in honour of the achievement, before we know where we are. Wednesday. The only subject of interest was a debate on Scotch Public Houses, and in the course of it the aes pleasant conversa- tion took place. Mr. Bucnanan, of Glasgow, said :— ** There was nothing more common than that a person in his owm house should entertain his friends, and that they should get intoxicated. (Laughter.)” a a Mr. Duntop, of Greenock (where it always rains) answered that he * Could not admit that getting drunk. in.a man’s own house was so common as the Member for Glasgow represented. The Hon. Membershould speak for himself. (Much Laughter. )” _ We never dined with Mk. Bucnanay, but after the above genial and jovial speech, we have no objection to inform him that’ we have not any dinner engagement for next week which we will not throw over in favour of a chop at the Reform Club. As for Mr. Duntor, he talked decorously, as became the legal adviser of the Free Kirk, but we’d no wonder if he had just a taste for poultry, and we’d like fine to see his tappit hen. Thursday, Mr. Layarp informed the Commons that Kine ApRaHaM Lrycouy had concluded a new treaty with Qonen Victoria for the suppression of the Slave Trade, and that such treaty was really valuable, because it gave us the Right'of Search. The Union flag is. no. longer to be hoisted to save the slaver “From the dread English cruiser’s shattering guns.” _ The news will astonish divers: American pirates, though they had a hint of what was coming, in the solemn hanging of a villanous slave- eaptain the other day. Let Mr. Lincotn be duly credited with: both ‘good deeds. The Commons cheered loudly, Then, upon the Second Reading of the principal: Budget’ Bill, Sm Srarrorp Nortucors, formerly Private Seeretary to Mr. GuapsTone, rebelled against. his: late master, and: c him with mismanage- ment of our finances. The rebel’s Devonshire ears Mr. GuapstoNne of course boxed with considerable coolness, but then, the CHancettor being thus made safe, Mr. Disragtit thought he would have an innings. So he let off a long accusing speech, talked of our Bloated Armaments, and impugned our conduct towards:the: EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH, against whom we armed, while pretending-to honour him as a trusty ally. Pam’s pugnacious mood availed him well upon this occasion, and never did the valiant ‘go in fontmiseliial more dashingly, He pointed out that Mr. Dismazzarwas bidding for office, that he was trying to catch support fromeall quarters, that-hereserved his objections to the Budget until he knewethey would be uselesg;. thaéihis own late colleague, SirnJoun Pakinewon, Loic, and he wasproudto be called, a chief promoter of the Bloated Armament; thatiwe we: the best | terms with the Emperor, but that Moral ise, wliteh contithe based only on strength, was essential to England, thatiMn. Disraetaand his | friends had no sympathy with the Italians; andé finallyy that his- whole | speech was mere party business; and was repugnant to: the feelings of the nation. Never came dowma better shower of ‘blows. from the fist of | the old gladiator, and to-borrow:a:popular phrase, Mr. Disraxtamust | have beemsorry that/he spoke. Of course the Commens voted [ngome. Tax, Sugar-Tax, TeasTx, and all'the rest of the little delights: Friday. Lozp Despy made a long and‘elaborate speechsin support of a motion for a Committee to inquire whether anything could be:done to avert the Evil Smells caused’ by certain Smuniecteen. The. Com. mittee was appointed, and wershall hear what it recommends, fountains of Eau de Colognes monster :pastiles in public squares, or angrother cheap and practical remedy. : The distress ofthe Lancashire operatives—distress causediliy the American war—then occupied: the attention of the House.. It was stated by Mz. ALGERNON | satel of South Lancashire. that: there were 58,000 operatives out of em loy. Due tribute was* paid’ to the quiet endurance with which they om their sufferings. Mr. Baicut said that the distress, though great; was not so severe as-some persons supposed, and that the county itself was at.present able to deal with it. Mr. Vittrers, for the: Government, was of the same opinion. The public must be content:with the statements-put:forward by:such autho- | rities; but the efforts.of charityrshould not be relaxed, for it will be very long before-the causes of distress are removed, and pressure upon | the resources of Lancashire must not be made in undueexcesss. It:is | the policy of England, not of a county, that has refused'to break: the | blockade of the cotton coasts, and therefore we are all bound to help the | sufferers by that policy. Mr. Giapstone brought in a Bill to enable the British Museum authorities to remove-their beasts ; and we hope that also it contains a clause enabling Mr. PAntzzt to walk everybody, except the legitimate student, out of the Reading Room, at: present infested by a horde of idlers, and schoolboys, and crammers. We have said a good deal about this grievance, aud mean to saya good deal more. But in answer toa Prig, who complains that young ladies come there and disturb his mind by ogling and flirting, Mr. Puach indignantly-replies that it is untrue that there is anything of the kind; and that he should be very sorry to see the ladies.seared away by the cynical impertinence of Pecksniffian Prigs. Mr. Punch is addicted to the ladies, and'they love him," and he don’t.care who knows it. TO ALL WHOM. IT MAY CONCERN. Mr. Puncu gives notice, that several’tons of stale puns, all on the subjects herein described, are now lying. at'his office, 85, Fleet Street, and which will be returned to their- owners on application, or failing such application, will be-shot at the nearest rubbish station, viz. :— i. 500 Ibs. (more or less) playing. variously, on the:notions:of “ Sereened | Coz,” “ Patent Comm,’ “ Small. Con,” Suggesting: that ‘“ Coxz’s | engagement as general. manager will be nuts to the Department. of | Science and Art,” “ Carrying. Conp. to: Fowxn’s. New-Castle,” “ Des-| cribing the domes: as: Congskuttles;’ suggesting. the probability that “the Commissioners will give Gone the sack, for his-uncommonly short measures,”—with some 300lbs. (more or less) of other jokes, laboriously dug out of the same. Cozz-mine, which has: furnished these not particularly fine samples: of black-diamonds. And Mr. Punch farther gives-notice, that:from this date he will not be answerable for any puns’: Mn. Corm’s name may-attract. Lines by a High-Art Schoolboy. ( Written in the Nave of the Great Exhibition Building:) Foon-TROPHY-ATION is vexation, The Telescope ’s as: bad, The furriers three, they bother me, And Cremer drives me mad. Hit to Lonerextow:—Wanted in the United States. A Poet: to stump Lorp Byron by composing: a second Siege of Corinth. ros shetty o's ete. eilelec. cat, ack —— — Serle a ero

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| way 17, 1862.) RIGHT TONS ith it, The wutho- | vill be Ip the | iseum ais a ‘imate rde of about r toa mind intrue rry to niffian nd he PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARITVARI. 195 A FLYING ISLAND WANTED. ILL somebody invent for us an ‘of Laputa? and forts. Whenever any nation dared to pick a quarrel with us, all that we should have to do would be to let our Flying Island drop upon their heads, and squash their fleets and forces flat at one fell swoop. This is how the wise King of Laputa waged his wars, and is it not recorded how victorious he was? It is true he sometimes lease Ttwouldsavea mint of : injured the battom.of his island, by coming down ===— are ball-proof, then b ewill come, = ant thenstill stronger ships ; samil wo the battle will eo on,:and |; victories be won'by either side, and tue’ der be ‘burnt at.a most | tremendous rate, ‘so | long as Mr. Bui agrees to stand the shot. j ‘ | Paul’s, and of a mortar that shall pitch a shell as large round War goes -on much longer than it ‘has done, we:quite «expect | to hear of the construction of a cannon that shall throw a ball as big as the Ball. Ps as the dome. fancy that in course of time, conical shot will equal the Big Pyramid of Egypt, and that guns will be invented of sufficient power to throw such shot across from Brighton to Boulogne. Now, if somebody would just invent a Flying Island, and present us with the patent, this costly fight between artillerists and shield-makers would probably soon cease. be no need then of our Army and our Navy, our big guns and our block ships, our field pieces too heavily upon an enemy’s domains. doubt thick dron plating would prevent such thance of damage:: sand even were this not to be done, we en ‘fallow the sage practice of the monarch of ta, who gained a reputation ‘between | for mercy and ‘forbearance by letting his island sship-|gently on the ‘heads af his offenders, who little ‘knew he really did so ithat he might not hurt thimself, As wars -are @lecided by the cash-box rather than the powdershest, the fewer human lives ‘that are ssacrifieeil the better ; and an in- vention ‘to-annihilateansarmy at a blow would be built |:the best Gf ypeaceandkers the world has ever they | seen. ‘Were tthe world to know that England possessed a Phying Island, ready at any moment to fall and:-crush cher‘foes, the world would pro- bably think :twiee "before;provoking her to fight, and England would :no r have such pulls Fe i ema as been having, to alternately }tlefray ‘the cost of gun-f ing and ship-building experiments, and to waste in unproductive pre- parations for a war the millions che might spend in_ profitable works, did she but possess a Flying Islanditosguarantee her peace. EEN’S pow- Dangerous ! Or course‘theInternational building is insured to the ‘full -walue of all that it contains. One would fear there must bea great likelihood of fire, as one hears that-a live Coxe is often found about the place, and who is expected some day to set the Thames on fire. lf the Invention upon St. Indeed, we Tue Best Way or Preservine Meat.— Invite none but Vegetarians to dine with you. There would A ‘SMACK AT DAY AND MARTIN. AccorDING to ‘intelligence from Rome, Pro Noro went the other day to'the camp at Porto d’Anzia,-where “the:soldiers knelt on the approach ofthe Pors, and afterwards defiled:before him.” Tt is to be hoped that these warriors, after having defiled ‘before his Holiness did notproceed to defile ‘their own mouths, by the lip-service which they are thus described as having rendered'to the Holy Father :— “ After the déflé the Pontiff condescended to aceept'f a/Zouave'’s knapsack for a resting on which he ited. his ‘foot'to the kisses of the officers and sub- offcers:of his faithful army, who were proud to. point out. the scars and medals they had earned in his service.” Th oeeoo as ‘to ‘the ‘defilement »which ‘is'too likely to have -suc- @éilé of the Papal Zouaves, Artillery, Infantry, and Dragoons, before the Sovereign Pontiff, succinetly put is “ How about Blackng?” Pros had been walking in ‘the grounds of his villa; and we ‘are told that he ““‘ proceeded to the ‘camp onthe ‘sea-shore.” It would seem, then, that he-went to the camp on ‘foot, and if so, he :probably wore men’s strong ‘walking boots or ws, for, he -would ‘have hardly thither in the white satin shoes which se mges f the steps of . after a fashion) he-wears ‘on ‘state ‘occasions, whether with or without ermoline. ‘He is‘not supposed to be in the habit of pee y japanned Balmorals, and it may therefore be not unreasonably con- jectured that his upper-leathers had beer polished with some equivalent to Day-and-Martin, or very likely with:that identical brilliant prepara- tion itself out of a testimonial-bottle presented by the S. V. P. or St. | Vineent of 'PaulShoeblack Brigade, as a pious oblation, and a specimen of the genuine article. ‘If:the Popr ‘had had his boots or shoes thus Polished, the gallant officers ‘who, each in succession, gave one of them a kiss, ‘must, for the space which was covered by their salute, have entirely taken the shine out of it, to the necessary defilement of their PS, especially those of the first comer, which, if he was an enthusiast é close, must have been in the state of those of the Children In the Wood after they had eaten their blackberries, or have resembled | those of a schoolboy who has been sucking Spanish liquorice. | ESSAYS AND REMARKS. Banter. Mutual banter isthe ordinary conversation of people who justly despise one another. If you area sensible fellow, you will take banter in good part, and gratify your banterer by laughing at the fun which he makes of you, which you will be enabled to do with natural ease by considering-what a ridiculous opinion of his own superiority to yourself he must entertain to have the impudence of presuming to make you his butt. : . ‘Banter may irritate a rational’ man if it ‘take him unawares, as when he is talking in earnest, so.as to confuse and balk him, and thus, like the zany’s foolscap when it stopped the Philosophie» telescope, put him into a rage. You will be subject to be ruffled by banter if you want sufficient presence of mind always, when attacked with it, to think how stupid you must be to suffer your serenity to be disturbed by an ass. Still when'banter flurries a man and puts him out, it is a con- siderable bore, and therefore he — well be vexed with his aequain- tance for mocking him to his face, although he would not care a button how much they chose to deride him behind his back. ter among the lowest of cabmen, omnibus conductors, and touters, and the inferior order of thieves, becomes chaff. “Chaff is | unbridled banter; insolence worded without scruple or restraint ; | scorn venting itself ina guffaw. As, in banter, smiling gentlemen reer wed twit a — with eo _ — ae erin ning —, interchanging chaff, bandy imputations of depravity. -is good for gentleman to accustom himself to stand chaff, for that will enable him | to sustain banter with complacency. The Last Fashionable Vice. EWAMELLING is already on the spread. We suppose the RacuEts.of this superficial accomplishment will soon copy the example of ‘the photographers in the cheap neighbourhoods, and place touters at their doors, whose business it will be to waylay ladies as they go by and. to tempt them with the insinuating inquiry of, “Please, Mum, will you have your face enamelled?” ut no |-

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 17, 1869, | al oy fii ii i \ i Q Cansy (out of patience), “ There/ Cumprenny; you can understand that Sure-ly!” EXHIBITORS AND THEIR ADVERTISEMENTS. Is it, or is it not, the fact that our grandly christened International Exhibition is intended for a sale room as well as for a show place? In justice to exhibitors as well as to the public, we really think the actual truth ought to be known, and as speedily as possible; if it be not in- decorous to mention such a thing as haste to personages so exalted as the Royal Commissioners. At the world-famed Exhibition of 1851 orders, we believe, were allowed to be received, but people could not offhand buy and take away the goods exhibited. We fancied this wise rule held good in 1862, and that it was by reason of this proper prohi- bition that there has been built the International Bazaar, where goods may be obtained to the pattern of those which are shown across the way. But it seems we were mistaken, or, if not, there is quite clearly something wrong in the wording of this notice, which we copy from the morning papers, merely altering the names of the seller and his wares :— AUTION.—SAMUEL SHOLOMONS, JEWELLER, SILVER- SMITH, &c. to the QUEEN, begs to CAUTION all persons against making or selling any articles INFRINGING on his new PATENT for Ebony Jet Jewellery, and also against any imitation of his Registered Gold Water-pot. e begs likewise to inform the public that he has no agents for the sale of the above-mentioned goods, which are to be obtained only at his establishment, 2,001, Blank Street ; and at his Trophy at the International Exhibition. Now, if this be really so, if Mz. SHoLomons’ gold water-pot and other articles of jewellery “ are to be obtained at his Trophy in the Inter- national Exhibition,” we no longer wonder that the nave is so blockaded with these ‘l'rophies of bad taste, built up as they are to quite the height of absurdity. A conspicuous position in the Exhibition building is about the very best site for a shop in all the world, for all the world, we hear, is coming to the place. If, then, the articles exhibited are suffered to be sold: there, the building cannot be regarded as an exhibition merely, but sinks into a shop. Except in point of size, there is no difference between it and an ordinary bazaar; and exhibitors would do wisely to do everything they can to win the notice of the public, and hire shopmen with loud voices to proclaim their power to sell. If it be permitted to Mr. Samuet Ssoxomons to advertise in newspapers that he cues this privilege, why not let the proclamation be made within the building, and there be given forth, if not with blast | Come and see our giant Crinoline, sixty yards in width, and yet may be of trumpet, at least with rotund voice? Had Mr. Punch a | (which, for his reputation sake, he happily. has not) he would sque: his shrillest roo-ti-tooit to attract the public ear, and Zody should assist him with his best bow-wow. Mr. SHotomons be right to advertise as he has done, why should not Mr. Smrrx or any other oe op hire a Stentor with a speaking trumpet to stand beside his Trophy, and bawl out, “Hi! look here! this is the right shop!” We can fancy what a pleasant vocal concert there would be, if our hint were only taken, and all the English show-men were to bellow simultaneously such shop-cries as the following :—“ Now, gents, buy, buy, buy! Here’s your little dustpans and your monster telescopes ! Here’s your bran- new bells, and your fine old crusted obelisks! Hi! hi! hi! look here! Step up and inspect our mammoth muffin-maker! Here’s your ugly toys for pretty girls and boys! Here’s your steam engines and stomach pumps! Here’s your hoops and howitzers! Now, my noble Capting, come and have a squint at our fine five-hundred pounders, bran new and dirt cheap, and warranted to hit a fly at ten miles’ distance. Hi! look! here ! ok here! try our patent sugar-plums, warranted pure saccharine and to stand a fortnight’s sucking without decreasing 4 hair’s breadth! Now then, walk up, gents! Don’t be bashful, ladies! acked up in a common pill-box. Hi! look here! buy, buy, buy! ere’s your bagpipes cheap! Here’s your ducks of bonnets !” Commercial cries like these might seem perhaps a little out of place in our Art Palace ; but we repeat, if Mr. SaoLomons’ advertisement be suffered, other modes of winning notice surely ought to be allowed! Devoutly to be Wished. ° THE rain-drops are the only influx of visitors that have as yet poured into the International Exhibition, and ¢hey came in without paying. Let us hope that the Shilling Visitors will come in as freely as the showers, and save the Guarantors from the disagreeable necessity of “Posting the CoLE.” Inox Vessets.—The duel between the Merrimac and the Monit was a fight between pot and kettle, and indeed pot is the vessel wiuc our Navy is going to. ‘avVN Stnory iTOOd UNAISAN ‘AGH,, I 'VIvHS LVH M SIM Od «4d Wie “"TIag “ay i TM “HOs, «GQUYAHMANWOS WIH WOT UANUOO Vv aNIa TTe

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—May 17, 1862. Y —Y hj, Uy, Y Jd UZ YY YY V3 ty LLB 4 Vie Yi Ze tip ] V tj Hp Y LIZZ. / Wy Vy YY YZ Add (a \) SS ZG Zz. ae a -— 2 = ‘ \\ SAN N\ Me ma a , ae £- 7, wi SS we Swe N y ded lit a ee mee 52 —_ hit); y, UE, | , alli. Ws yg! 1) flit’ AN “INTERNATIONAL” DIFFICULTY (FROM ROME). Mr. Bow. “OH, WE’LIL FIND A CORNER FOR HIM SOMEWHERE.” 7

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Mar 17, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 199

—

Parisletter in the — Buil thus describes a@ new: style of petticoat ust adopted by the Em- Press Evofnie :—' This t is made of cambric. muslin, is six yards in circumference at the widest point, and by nine } iss covered flounces: ot still greater circumference, the low- est of which is a mere frill; the second a few inches: longer and con- siderably wider, com- pletely covers the first ; the third does the same to the second, and so on till one eat flounce falls com fotely over the other eight, each one of which, to arrive at the standard of imperial elegance, must be hem- stitched like a lady's

a handkerchief, the. outer one > * addition be nearly covered with the embroidery done by the women of the Vosges.’” Then comes the name of the shop where ihis sweet thing in petticoats, is: to: be- had: I am not at liberty to * Pie tt boos simple elegance, because m: mnagmes Be subscriber, PaTeRFAMILIAs, would soo std thank me for: affording - that information to his wife and daughters. I know what he will say going dese fast mares woman ! he should circumference of her by the Empress a reg thirty-six, more nine flounces ? wiform! She must have ei PaTeRFaMILias may be petticoats, that the advertising milliner is with or-without the expensive addition of hem-stich and embroidery.” ——— on treating Marerramriias and ladies to one apiece, he-will with and not without those additions which an uncommonly reasonable milliner ingenuously calls-expensive. pet is: — nn yore object i Lnerw re ‘it taaies hides th idered and hem-stitched. = on they cannot be pa ee ) myself to my about petti- ing you are an particul ar in ritach ann 3 T believe, no. vestment- coats? I any cause to i or hea on that subject > Nes f vite; but asa Datiaathco hele a sense of the word, women question, and 1 should like to know whether you don’t think the present glut of spinsters.:may be the dimensions and cost of female apparel, and is likely to increase in proportion as the on OF THE FRENCH goes on extending the h I have:the honour to be, with:respect: and esteem, your old friend, pation! only six Bae in circumference’ without the flounces. vate fv make it _ and. from nine to thins, and ie the present number. Female workhouse regulation My fortieth, and ultimately eighty- me if she can find room for them, hem-stitched and embroidered every interested know, as: touc these prepared to supply them when he comes to read the~fore- ription of the “new style le of petticoat,” alleged to have been weEnte, He will What next? Of course she will never rest satisfied with a say :—“ Bless the Six No the young probably be so liberal as to elect petticoats that uu por sr ore in the construction of this new'style one great: flounce falls nme? over’ the flounce is the e others are only hem-stitched ; » they might just as well be embroidered only: one and philogynist in the in the employment-of- im some measure connected with PaNncR.

Currency. of Austria. & Decided. Bloomer.

Mapame Racuet, the ladies’ enamellist, fired by the example of Mr. Gisson, sent a contribution vd ee cage roe It was a model of the modern, Tinted Venus. coloured, of course—the flesh ints being faithfully copied Tone a oo Romer living Marchioness. It the onl ea Savenen, y the Commissioners—and we. must. say it is wise thing they ie been successful as yet in carrying out. “Tie Lancrst Cicuation oF ANY ParEeR In THE Wortp.’—The

APPEAL TO MRS. HARRIS. ewe to aggravate the rancour of your tongues. Remeuber the-gulleTieds dath Geeaiiadilin’ to: withine “aie: member the galled jade doth win er Wi When she sia —— = ly me, Do, Ma’am, do decagpanaid? Foul air, past me, Meant to hlesleaaep, Innocently flies Pray, + Goody, | MRS. Ba APOLOGY. name is Becky’ d seein Bow, ’3 my saattadion: Billingsgate was my~bi Fased #0 be be respectabl tb kt mgr alii Religion. Sena I once was fippenee:yo Se ae poe ee I does» deal of det work, an. ap I goes to the: Conservative C ot oe ghee, Or serves anyrothier wee To oan, Rosario hoften For which i’ vex now true b ] Non an ail silDpanedlig seditergemmhic teeples a With myrold pore bonnet;.and my gingham humbareller:

THE INDIFRERENGER: GF TGAMBETH:. Tue electors of Lambeth: must:haver beemsamused. bysthe-féllowing hustingssby:

remark made to themonsthe Mrz. Stx1en:—- “The smallness of the numbers: who voted showedétliat-there was -political waite 3 in the borough, and proved the: er franchise. ee tee my oe —— tits ee —_ as a franc’ was a trus t should be aceompaniedéby the-condition, that every voter should pee n he did did. not do 80, such fine to go to the expensesof'the election.” It does not seem to hawe-occurred'to Mc. Sizaem: that. the yng which the electors-who abstained from vo' for himself or h opponents would have recorded under a penalty-would possibl how been that there was not a pin to choose between the several candidates. If, as he says, the»political apathy prevalent in the a. shows the necessity for an extension of the franchise, excess of supply is the thing to create demand, and the proper cure for defect'of appetite is increase of the meat which it declines to feed on.

THE CRANIOLOGY OF RACE. ' Accorpixe to a report of the last meshing of ct. the Ethnological Society, in the course of a discussion which took oie on a paper read by Mr. Buaxe, about the character of Peruvian s “‘ Me. Crawrurp strongly expressed the opinion-that it is te A to attempt to define differences between the raves of man by an. of their skulls, and he alluded to the mistake committed by a celebrated who pronounced the skull of a Scotchman to be that of a negro.” Yes; but the anatomist may not have been.so very far ont, after all. Perhaps the Scotchman.was a BLackrE.

A Narrowing Spectacle. One of the domes in the Brick Palace is. screened by. a; tremendous awning, which effectually masks its hei ht, and altoget dwarfs its proportions. It was seareely worth while to. go to the labour of such vast dimensions, if they were afterwards to be covered up.. A common dome, like the one that, squats on the top of the. Royal A ,, would ave answered the same purpose. However, frem the above ‘act, and also from the general parsimony and shabbiness of the Royal Commis- monet, we ekeeil say it was a question with the.Exhibition of Res anguste

The Heat of Academic Genius.. “ Waar is the cause/of that water smoking 2” inquired: a French- man, pointing to one of the basins in Traf “ Mon cher, Monsieur,” answered the Englishman, “it iss by the R. A.s of the Royal Academy.” Mossieu didn’t see iti

“Tye Last Worps or Prrr.”—Wecansettle this disputed question. We were passing by the Paraen other evening, and (we always make a point of speaking» by the board) the last words were “Prrr’s: Fun

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ae [Mar 17, 1862, : a \\ \\\ \ \ \ \ \ “PATET ARS OMNIBUS.” Omntsus Driver. “ What a set o' Japanners them furren Landskip Painters is, by the side o’ Turner, Sir, ain't they?’ es, DISRAELI’S STORIES, Wirn reference to the Ex-CHANCELLOR OF THE’ Fx. CHEQUER, Lorp PatmeRstTon is reported to have thus spoken in repy to that honest, upright, and straightforward statesman’s attack on the foreign policy of Her Masnerrs Government :— **T utterly and entirely deny every word that the right hon. gentle. man has said as to hostility, bickering, and quarrels between the two | | nations. (Hear.) Whence he gets his information I cannot, of course, | presume to say, but I advise him to receive with great distrust any (Cheers information he may receive from the same quarter again. | and Laughter.)” _No doubt Mr, Disrazti spoke from the same inspira- tion as that which dictated his works, which are works of imagination. His literary fame bids fair to be matched by his reputation as an orator. He evidently derives his intelligence from his genius; and as the man of genius always has faith in himself, he will probably continue, in spite of the Premrer’s advice, to believe as implicitly as he now does, every word of the information he may receive from that trustworthy quarter. WANTS OF THE WORLD’S FAIR. Tue want of order and arrangement for which the International Exhibition has acquired a world-wide cele- brity ; the reputation for bad ond dear refreshment, which it has so deservedly gained; the want of labels appended to the ae: the bulk and weight of the catalogue which the visitor is, therefore, obliged to lug about with him: these and other characteristics, equally agreeable, of the Brompton World’s Fair, will probably render necessary, as a condition to its success, the engagement of BLonpun. | Then, however inconveniently crowded may be the inter. | stices of the Show, the visitors, with the funambulist over their heads, will at least have something to see for their money. Control Your Indignation. We must not be surprised at Mz. Wuatey taking such unhealthy views of subjects. “ What can you — (tenderly inquires our friend Haprretp) from such a confirmed WHALLEY-tudinarian?” Echo answers nothing. THE DREAM AND THE REALITY. (A Private View of the Royal Academy, suggested by that Body's recent Exhibition of itself.) We are blessed with a Royal Academy of Arts, which includes forty Academicians, and twenty lates; which receives annually some 9000 from an exhibition of painting and conigine, produced by its members and the body of British artists, and is quartered in an extremely mean public building, in an extremely mean square, built on one of the noblest sites of London. In front of this mean building is a pair of still meaner fountains, with hot water laid on to them, in thoughtful consideration of the wants of the Academy, whether for washing the members’ own dirty-linen, for cleaning their hands (which as painting is ey work, cannot be expected to be always spotless), or for using in their frequent interchange of amenities with outside artists, or such organs of the British Public as stubborn Members of Parlia- ment, and irreverent newspapers. As if still further to consult the feelings of the Academy, the mean square, which is bordered by the mean building appropriated to them, and ornamented by the mean hot- water squirts already referred to, is decorated with works of Art, prin- cipally the productions of Academicians, which are meaner than either the square, the building, or the fountams. It might be thought that the climax of meanness had been attained by these statues. But, in that mean building of this mean square, behind those mean fountains, and those still meaner statues, sits a body meaner in its col- lective character (for individually those who compose it are men no better and no worse than their fellows of the same classes and callings), than square, building, fountains, and statues, all together. Nor is this Academy meaner in its local habitation than in else belonging | to it. It is mean in the spirit which has animated its councils from | its first establishment; mean in its schools; mean very often in| the quality of the Art it has most fostered and engendered; mean | in the mode of admission to its honours; mean in the self-seeking | spirit of its rules of exhibition; mean in its treatment of the greatest men who have belonged to it, and still more, of the painters outside | its pale; mean in the cliques which divide its own ranks, and the jealousies which distract its councils. But it reaches the climax of meanness once a-year—at its Annual Dinner—and at this year’s dinner it has capped the climax of meanness reached by all the dinners of all the years since first the Academy dined together. This Academy dinner is like the banquet which the poor lunatic, whose story is told by Sur Waxter Scort, used to be set down to every day in his cell at the asylum. He fancied his table spread with a magnificent dinner of three courses, and eat of this imaginary feast with great gusto; but “somehow,” he used to whisper to his visitors, “everything tastes of porridge.” So at the Academy dinner every- thing tastes of toads. And besides this arrangement of everything crapaudine, a universal sauce of flummery and melted butter is poured over every plat from the toad-stool soup to the celery a /a jus de crapaud. No wonder that on these dining days, a faint odour of Lord-worship may be detected steaming from between the pillars of Mz. Wi111aMs’s portico, almost as ag yn as the rich fragrance of roast meat and gravy-soup from the underground kitchens before Simpson’s or Sawyer and StRANGE’s. I had been reading the report of the year’s Academy dinner, and had fallen into a slumber, partly provoked by the placid flow of the Presi- dent’s eloquence, partly by the faint fumes of the incense offered up before the lords ae gentlemen who deign to attend the board of these ‘umble artists, and partly by the monstrous 4oo-too, which I seemed to my mind’s eye to see some forty R. A.’s performing, slowly and gravely, in the pauses of Sm Cuarues’s measured flow of flat com- piiment. So I slept and I dreamed. And in my dream I was a guest at the Royal Academy dinner, 1862, and behold I saw the President in his scarlet gown and his gold chain and medal, genial, affable, and joyous, advancing with a brisk step, and a bright smile to welcome the distin- uished foreign artists a men of letters brought to London by the nternational Exhibition. To Msyerperr Sim Caarzes Eastlake _ a graceful compliment on the kinship of the Arts of Painting al fusic, which the composer of Rodert le Diable and Le Prophéte revu in a happy allusion to GAINSBOROUGH giving one of his finest pictures etc

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—_—_—_——_ Mar 17, 1862] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARDE 201 in exchange for a friend’s violoncello ; and “zo losing,” said the musician, who is Israelite as well as Immortal, “ by de bargain.” I was delighted to see the | way in which Leys, the great master of the Belgian school, (whose invitation to the dinner was but a r and partial return, Smr CHarzs assured him, for the profuse aoodinn and hospitality extended to the members of our own Academy who last year visited the great picture exhibition at Antwerp,) was welcomed by , and mE, WaRD, and. a host of our historical painters, and what hearty cheery handshakings (which “— have been longer) ween M: Tipemanp, the honest but rofoundly earnest and tender painter of' those scenes of common Norse ife, which are the chief ornaments of the Seandinavian Gallery at the International Exhibition, and our own WessteRr, Farp, Fria, Hoox, and others. Nor was it less pleasant) to. see the kindly greetings ex- changed between the foreign critics and’ men of letters—THtoPHitz GauTieR, Cuartes Branc, Lovis Viarpor, Joun Lemoe, Cart Hartmann, and others of their confréres only less distinguished charged to pass in review the noble collection of the pictures of all schools and races now open at South Kensington—their hosts of the Academy, and their English brother authors and men of letters, who ed so large a place at the Academy’s hospitable board. “ This is indeed,” I said to myself, “the visible acknowledgment of the brother- hood which links the various Arts.among themselves, and Artists of all countries with each other. Happy the country that boasts an Academy s0 prompt to open its doors to foreign merit, and so ready to express by the honour it pays to intelligence and distinction at home in the sister Arts of Painting and Literature, its thorough comprehension of the tie that holds them all altogether ! these tables to prove us, should we see thus: surrounded? It is well hard-headed, north country and Bi replaced the aristocracy as finds far more liberal as as paymasters, than ever he did in the few Lords who have condescended to give a modern place upon their walls! jIt is well that’ the hard-headed, hard-handed, working Genius of our nation should meet, in the modern; if less magnificent, mingham and Liver public services, and their well-won: distinctions. “Here, at one English public dinner, at Jouxn Buu susie to the isi Here, the power of brain asserts: its ri than that assigned to official distinction, or the proudest titular rank. Here, ins of the Muse of Literature being thrust into the back influence of the Fine-Artss pod, she is enthroned by the:side of her sister Muses, Painting , and Architecture, and bears her pen-sceptre at an equ t with those of the il, the modelling tool, and the porte-crayon. ead of limping in. to acknowl erself at_ the: tail of a string of threadbare toasts—the Army and the Navy, the dignitaries of the State, and the dignitaries. of the C: the Lorp Mayor and the Aldermen, our Visitors, and our noble selves, the Stewards and. the es, Letters are honoured after the Sovereign, and the Sovereign’s Servants, her Ministers”... I was going on, when I was interrupted by a burst of laughter—the expression of my own half- conscious amusement (as one lobe of the brain will comment on the other) at the contrast | mma in obedience to the laws of association, by the reality and the fancies of my dreams. ,, The newspaper reports of the Academy dinner lay before me, with its small list of distinguished Statesmen, its long bead-roll of Titled Nobodies who never bought a me or gave a commission to a painter ; its absence of every one of the distmguistied artists rare chance assembled in London ; its ignoring of foreign letters, and its scanty recog- nition of the respect due to native literature; its utter aay | by of the claims. of the sister Arts—Music and the Drama; the fulsome fulness of its.laudations of all who can influence its fortunes by favour; its sycophancy of rank and title and outward influence, and that in the lace of a series of cool contemptuous disclaimers of all knowledge or interest.in Art by the men before wliom. in succession the Academic speaker knocked his forehead on the ground; and lastly, as if to sum up in one unmeaning act the stupid snobbishness that. marks the whole of this Academic entertainment; the toast of “Literature and. its rospects and influences on Art,” relegated to the very end of the east, when every other institution which it can enter into the heart of arespectful and awe-stricken Acad heig Tus lemician to bow down to has been honoured, and when the lordly guests whom the bad dinner has dis- agreed with, or the President’s eloquence has bored, have left the Spaces at the tables, lately filled by their august: heads, vacant ! ., Ah! if Mr. Punch could only stoop to attend an Academy dinner, and if the President would only ask Aim'to propose that toast im that com- pany and in that place, the Academy walls should hear for once what “Had we been the nation of shopkeepers that foreign sarcasm rejoices\| that wealth at length united: with culture: (tardy though the union }) may have been) should,be represented; as I see it an by eo ; Birmmgham manufacturers, who have’, of the Arts, and in whom the’ Artist}; ——_ al rsons of these our}| 3 and Manchester, of Bix |) agham |, with the Ministers and Statesmen, who owe: their invitations to this table less to-their rank and titles, than to. their |; least, the snobbishness: off, to its own place, not lower |} ey seldom hear, except when the members are ——_ and confi- entially expressing their opinions of each other—a bit of truth ! PUNCHIT, CRACEM PACEM PETENTIS PALINODIA. Or late Punch did arraign, In a contemptuous strain, The sheds and domes that Fowxe has dared to rear ; Nor for this doth Pumeh repent, Since all he said he meant, And bad architect may be good engineer. But-the same immortal lines That — fun at. Fowxe’s designs, On Cracr’s colour a scornful sentence, Which fairer o Leads that teacher of thenation, Torecant upon more adequate acquaintance, Only blameworthy is Crace, That on Fowxe he:put a-faee, , And gave colour to his bald-array-of: girders ; For:thus aiding and abetting, The structure by its setting He shares:the guiltiof Fowxr’s Fowxe, who quashed Invention’s.note;. Cnt fair Proportion’s throat, Smothered Symmetry: beneath two big bellglasses, Starved poor Beauty in his bedi, _ _ (Frames for huge cucumbersbeds,) And tied Taste to the tails of four wild asses ! Had Crace but made dull duller;. To the building squared the colour, _ Murdered Muses he’d avenged, and slaughtered Graees ; Whereas now by artful tinting, He beguiles eyes into hinting Thoughts of beauty, where it clearly-out of'place is. For that I should have thrashed him,, For ¢hat L should-have lashed him, Bor not sinking to the depth of the oeeasion, Crowning structure sad and stingy, With colour drab and dingy— And for-“ dec” giving: de-dec-oration. So Punch begs hereby to cancel What he of Cracer’s stencil, And'owns he’s been fairly ta’en to task for if; But reserves leave, pace CRACE, To regret Fowke’s ugly face ; Should in Crace’s cunning colour find a mask for it. A Small Joke made at the Opening of the Great Exhibition: Asxep the wife of a Provincial’ Mayor, of a stingy ion, as. she clad him in his fur-fringed robes upon the morning of aK Days before he went to Court—that is, to the Procession. Court—“ ‘Tell. me, Tim- mins, if thou can’st, why dost thou resemble the. ‘ beloved star’ named in that pretty nigger song thou gavest me last week? Nay, dearest, don’t look dummy! ’Tis beeause ‘thou art so near, and. yet so/fur/’” A CAUTION TO THE BOYAL. COMMISSIONERS. Ler them clear out the Nave as soon as possible if’ they value their receipts. The International Exhibition Building is not the first. over- grown body that has sunk rapidly under a-érophy. '

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. — [Mar 17, 1862, ‘THE ELEGANT OMNIBUS. ~ ' an = SWS o>) — ia lqeeen me, rs e lIyranny of the OmnibusCompany in the noblest and most constitutional way. has set up new p coreg he | the Man- es Glasgow kind, spacious, cl comfortable, an drawn by Three horses, ins of two sc and Mr. Punch rejoices. Al- beit the ladies de- serve small pity for anything that they C4 © > recommend such la- dies as wish to see Mr. Punch in the flesh, to look out for the new vehicles, which moreover have the advantage of po- lite conductors in- stead of slangy or surly cads. Mr. Punch hopes that great numbers of the new omnibuses will be launched, and that the atrocious things which at pre- sent infest London will be driven to ee of their ridiculous See dresses being crushed and soiled in the abominable omnibuses in which they have hitherto had to ride, still Mr. Punch is kind, and cannot bear that a woman (at least a pretty one) should be annoyed, and he is glad that ladies can now step easily into a saloon-like vehicle, without exciting the savage looks of the occupants in possession, without drag- ging hind them a wet train, which sla) and smears the knees of others, and with- ont the necessity of whisking suddenly into a seat, lest more of the conforma- tion of limb be exhibited than the usages of society permit, We have in fact got something like an Omnibus, and we grief. For in these Income-Tax days we must be economical, and we cannot be always in the hands and cabs of the highway robber called aCabman. The omnibus is a necessity, and why should it not be made decently comfortable ? ho answers Why, and the projectors of the new vehicles answer in a much more sensible manner by meray Se the New Omnibus—its ad- vent pily timed, for the Company, ins of improving its vehicles, only raises its prices—a process by no means so satisfactory. Omnibus notum tonsori- bus, says Horace, and the new omnibus is noted by Mr. Punch, who is a shaver of no 0 closeness. | LOVE IN A HAZE. “*Miss Matitpa M. Hays, wri to the Times, complains our present state of society Woman no share in the world’s work, and no Platform but the idless Hearth, or the Teeming Nursery.” ‘*Miss Wisk’s Mission, my guardian said, was to prove that woman's mission was man's mission, and that the genuine mission of both man and woman was to be always moving declaratory resolutions about things in general at public meetings.”—Bleak House. Waar Platform will plaze Miss Matitpa M. Hays, Who considers that women are gabies If content with a mate, And a home ¢éte-a-téte, Or a room full of beautiful babies ? Miss Matripa M. Hays Nobler notions displays By convention she will not be blinded, Sewing buttons on shirts Is a business that hurts The feelings of one so strong-minded. Miss Martripa M. Hays, Her conviction conv that in e That “obey” is a whisper from Hades, And that plain golden rings Are contemptible things In the eyes of all spirited ladies. A “ Platform” Miss Hays ! (In American phrase) Demands for our women ambitious, d when English girls choose To subscribe to her views, We'll try to comply with her wishes. But alas! for Miss Hays, e has come in bad days To preach her Non-Conjugal Mission, And the girls, we suspect, all murmur “Reject __ That strong-minded Spinster’s petition.’’ If Matiipa M. Hays For five minutes will gaze On the Marriage Advertisement Column, She ’ll see what a list Still get courted and kissed, Regardless of Mission so solemn, And till dear ones allow, (As they will not do now) That they can’t find their Mission in that form, Masta M. Hays Must go elsewhere to raise Her cry for a Yankeefied Platform. A NEW CRY FOR CONSERVATIVES. Tue Derbyites have at last got a good cry. It has been discovered by Mr. Disraxztt, who proclaimed it the other night in the House of Commons. The new Derbyite cry is “The Independence of the Porz!” Conservative elec- | tors should understand the meaning of that cry. They must | not suppose it to mean the mutual independence of the | Pope and the Roman people. It means the maintenance | of the Papacy by the force of French arms. How very | independent his Holiness now is of Louis Napotzoy! | The Derbyite and Disraelite policy is to keep him °°. | Now, then, Conservative Members, turn out Lox» | Patmerston, “The independence of the Porz!” Oh, what a beautiful cry to go to the country with! , | | | | The World in Little at South Kensington. Tue International Exhibition is a Microcosm, +.¢., % view of the Universe through the small end of the tele- scope, in more senses than one. It is like the world a large in the vast improvement it would receive from clearing out the Nave, and not being left in the great dis- order prevailing in most of the Foreign Courts, and the seueent ble backwardness of these to clear away theit rubbish. — Printed by William Bradbury, of :4 v wi in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the ©: of: Middlesex, and Frederick Mallett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of Ww of Lond Printers, Rais Omioe in Lomaburd erect te the Fiesinet of Waitettiors, City of Lontoes abd Pablieeed Ey ea at Nacas; Flack Strcet, in the Pariah of St. Bride, Clty of srunnay, May 17, 1803. ae

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: May 24, 1862,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a . Kat JHE WW / x * Bi ay >| ———— Saarp SHOEBLACK (loq.). “‘ Yes, Sir, I knows, Sir, Cooks IS wery perticlar.” ENGLISH MANNERS TO THE FRENCH MIND. Tuayks to the polite attention of some of our lively visitors, correspondents of certain Parisian journals, we enjoy the advantage, which Rosert Burns desired, of seeing ourselves as others seeus. We may acknowledge the favour in enabling them to see us as we see ourselves. They say that we all look sad, and are wholly absorbed in an eager and incessant endeavour to get money. To the sordid anxiety by which we are thus actuated they ascribe our dull and miserable looks. There is some truth in this. It is not, how- ever, that we are avaricious, like some people who are always talking about fifty- thousand francs. We are melancholy precisely for the reason that we are com- pelled, against our will, to devote our whole souls to a wealth ; a pursuit which is repugnant to our noble natures. We are obliged to make all the money we can, in order to live decently and educate our children under the pressure of a crushing Income-Tax. All this load of taxation we have to bear from the necessity of providing no end of national defences, imposed upon us by those neighbours who persist in maintaining immense armaments, not only military but also naval, which can only be intended against ourselves. Our French critics are amused in remarking the taciturnity of English fellow- passengers and travellers who are mutual strangers, associated in railway-carriages and hotels. One of these writers says that Englishmen, waiting about in a coffee- room, all seem trying to get away from each other. That is no doubt their wish ; and it is a proof of our politeness. Thinking men have all some trouble, pues or prospective, and don’t want to inflict their dulness upon other people with whom they have no right to take such a liberty. We converse fast enough when we are all friends, and can grumble one with another. The fact that we are thinking men °s just that which the Frenchman overlooks. He cannot conceive a number e meeting together without instantly indulging the gregarious impulse to eter. It does not occur to him that a man’s mind may possibly be occupied other things than the present moment and surrounding circumstances. Nor "8 le any idea that men can be silent because of not liking to talk unless they “Se sOmething to say, beyond that which, if said to themselves, they would think ‘oMvorth hearing. No doubt a monkey, if he possessed the gift of speech, would ¢ it instinctively without reflection, and, when he came to find that we do not ewise, would feel just the same astonishment at our silence as that which is seed by the French journalist. “GOING OUT A-SHOOTING.” The Lory CHancettor, for the House of Lords, has accepted a challenge from the SPEAKER, on behalf of the House of Commons, to shoot a rifle-match on July 5th, at Wimble- don, ten against ten, Ty ancient times with good yew-bows, Our ancestors contended And Agincourt displayed the sport, When cloth-yard shafts descended. But now the rifle takes its range, From Wimbledon to Tooting, And everybody, high and low, Is going out a-shooting. The Scotch and Irish have their corps ; The Devil’s Own enrolled are; SHOOLBRED’s and Swan anp EpGar’s men For measures Enfields shoulder ; Each Civil Service Clerk turns out, A military suit in, The Artists fling their maulsticks down For ramrods, to go shooting. Where matches are on carpets thrown, Of course the fire it catches, Now, “on the ¢apis” everywhere, We’ve nought but rifle-matches ; Of companies and regiments, The champions are disputing, And soon Britannia’s going out With Caledonia shooting. No wonder that the flame should spread, Nor, as all fire keeps rising, That it should reach the “‘ Upper Ten,” Can it be thought surprising ; Nor, howsoe’er old fogeydom Such contest vote unsuiting, That Lords and Commons like the rest, Are going out a-shooting. To see the Speaker, velvet shorts, And fair full-bottomed wig in, Arrayed against Lorp WestBury, is Chancellor’s full-fig in! “Take me that bauble hence!” cries D., For rifle mace commuting, While on the wool-sack taking sights, Lorp Westp’ry dreams of shooting. Let’s hope like youthful spouse, immersed In his new match’s blisses, That Denison for “ Ayes” and “ Noes,” Mayn’t read off “ Hits” and “ Misses.” Nor when the tellers near his chair, Respectfully saluting, Cry, “‘ Here’s the markers with the score,” As men do out a-shooting. Let ’s pray that WeEstB’Ry, that great gun, May not get overheated, When, hit or miss, he takes to prove Their Ludships not defeated ; But if they can’t bear off the bell, Some point ingenious mooting He’ll in a wrangle end the match, And out-talk Commons’ shooting. Held in Anything but Esteem. A CorrEsPoNDENT writes to the Times, complaining of | the scanty supply of steam at the Exhibition. e should | have thought that they coald have got any supply of it | with the Brompton Boilers so close at band. e must | say that the Commissioners have been most dreadfully back- | ward all through their management of the Exhibition in keeping the steam up to the high point of the Exhibition of 1851. A CON FOR NATURALISTS. Wnuat creatures may be said to live on their relations ? Why, the Aunt-eaters, to be sure! b

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ne [May 24, 1862, VWttiguy A SKETCH NEAR LEICESTER SQUARE. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. May 12¢h, Monday. New Knight of the Garter Lorp Saarressury, | very properly called the attention of the House of Lords to the distress among the Lancashire Freres and while bearing tribute to the admirable way in which their s erings were endured, expressed his _ wish for the relaxation of the labour test. This, the condition on which poor law relief is granted, the Earl objected to as calculated to injure | the hands of those who obtain their living by more delicate work | to a crisis, is welcome, ani than that given by the Unions. Lorp GRANVILLE said that the question was being dealt with practieally, and Lorp Dersy spoke warmly of the behaviour of the people, and his own belief to be that greater distress was prevailing than the suffering districts had ever previously undergone. ith such a state of things existing, any incident that seems to help on the American War to an end, or at least HI the tidings that New Orleans has fallen is doubly satisfactory. Lorp Cianricarpe and other Irishmen are extremely dissatisfied with the River Shannon, and Lorp Canarp, or GRANARD, or some such personage (where’s Dod? O, seventh Earl, the fourth was a dis- | tinguished admiral—stay, no, was drother to a distinguished admiral | VILLE blew him up, and said he must have aw not use such strong language. A Committee is to sit on the Shannon, | | not agree. | who beat the fleets of France and Spain in 1748—very good reason, probably, why the brother should have been Earled and pearled, but does not make it so clear why number seven should be anybody) threatened all sorts of vengeance on the poor river, and Lorp Gray- cause or he would and if the weather is fine, and the Committee may fish and smoke, it will not be unjolly. Lorp Dsrpy’s Smell Committee was appointed, and it now ap that the grievance to be looked into is a real one, and that people and land are largely poisoned by the eructations from certain manufactories, those of soda for instance, for Soda and Man do It is not proposed to prevent the manufactures, but to invent remedies for the evil, and ibly Mr. Farapay and some of his friends may illuminate the Lords on the subject. At Glasgow the nuisance has been dealt with already—one gentleman who transmutes | defunct horses, and another gentleman who makes chemical evil odours, having erected chimneys which are as high as the Great Pyramid, and which project their smells right into the face of the moon, thereby not only making St. Mungo comfortable, but illustratieg the archer’s wey in the old play that he has “sent his Shaft into scared Dian’s orb.” Mr. Cowrsr stated that he should not let. cabs go through the lower part of Hyde Park, near Park Lane, in order to relieve the traffic in the latter, which he said ought to be widened. Of course it ought, but does he think that it will widen itself, or grow wider by having too much put into it, like a dining-out gentleman’s interior ? Mr. Layarp begged that people would not believe in telegrams that come vid Vienna, and tell of Turkish reverses. He said that he did not know whether such things were sent for stockjobbing purposes or not, meaning that he knew perfectly well that they were, and who send them. It may be convenient to explain that the Montenegrins, who are nominally under the open of Austria, are perpetually annoying their neighbours the Turks, and Omer Pacwa, who gave them a ter- rible wopping some nine years ago, is likely to do it again, if the savages do not become quiet. There can be no sentimental pity for these Black Mountaineers, for they kill prisoners, carry about heads as trophies, and make their women the “ beasts of burden.” A Budget debate followed, and Mr. Guapstone surrendered on the question of compelling private persons to take-out licences if they want to brew. Lorp Puncu, of course, takes Amontillado with his dinner, and Lafitte, at two hundred shilli after it, but he has heard that there are vulgarians who like beer, if they derive any pleasure from knowing that no new obstacle isto be to their ob this drink, hes happy, he is sure, to. inform that their pails, or what- ever they mix it im, are not to beinterfered with. There was also a discussion about selling beer at-races and fairs, a subject, Lonp Puncu supposes, interesting to the lower ion, but on which he will not venture to give an opinion—so far-as he rstands the matter, Mr. GLADSTONE, d to prevent the lower orders from drinking more , inter; some justices’ certificate between the mob eau de , if you please—thank ya. Lorp P.-thought that he had done with such a topic but remembers | that a drawbaek of seven:shillings per hundredweight is to be allowed | on British hops, whatever they are. Ors was the mother of Crngs, which aecounts:for the Series of:grievances connected with ’ops. Then came up areal grievance—the condust of the fellows who levy the | Income-Tax, and-who charge a deal:more'than even the iniquitous | law: permits, in'the‘hope that fi will not take the trouble to — Some of the Members-said that this was less the fault of the officials than of the Government,-who had ordered them to put on the screw, but Mim. GiapstTone declared that this was not the case. He refused, however, to give any remedy, even to ple who had been abomi- nally: surcharged, and had, on eel 3 convicted the officials of cheating. Tuesday. Late in February, our frien Mm. Haprrexp, of Sheffield (who loves Mr. Punch with an intensity that:does:eredit to H’s ed an art,) got alittle victory, asdf. Punch mentioned atthe time. He carried a Bill for doing away withthe ion: which provincial mayors and aldermen, on taking offiee, have’toumake that will not destroy the | ane ms! one, = i —— i onions om the united efforts of all the ma an ions in England wou not.do:a hundredth part of the mischief {othe Chaseh that one ridicu- lous bigot of a:parson, or one‘hard-dealing clerical. Justice could inflict. But the Dissenters are:rather up inithe stilts just now, because it is | just two hundred years since @ mass of clergymen (who would have repudiated the name of Dissenter) were iene outof the Church, and Lirrte Betuet, EsenEezER, and MAHERSHALALHASHBAZ claim ques- tionable descent from these 2000 martyrs. Argal, the Dissenters are making all the political demonstrations which they can, and this Bill of Mr. Haprretp’s was one of the demonstrations. The Lords do not seem, curiously, to make sufficient allowanee for the excitement. of | the Sects, and incontinently threw out the Bill by 87 to 55. The Bisuor or Wincaester, Dr. Coartes Sumngr, brother of thePrimate, | and Prelate of the Garter, went into the content lobby, as was pointed out by Lory Crawricarpe, naturally astounded at seeing a Bishop eome near Aim, and it turned out that Dr. Sumwer had madea mistake, aud was discontent. In order to rectify the error, the Lonp Cmancel- tor asked that Bishop the three sensible questions which are put on occasion of such accidents in the Commons, whereat the Duxe or Bucctevonr took upon himself to fly mto a passion, and scold the Chancellor for daring to catechise a Bishop. The descendant of Lucy | Waters is quite right to stand up forthe clergy. The Chaneellor’s smiling apology was slightly sarcastic in its humility. The Post Office Savings Bank is too good an institution for Mr. Punch to permit its efficiency to be impaired by any official shabbiness, | and he was glad to hear Freperick Pr. say that the Postmasters were to be remunerated for the increased duties thrown upon them— that is, he did not say so, because an official can never speak in 2 | straightforward mauner, but his answer meant it. Why, in obedience | to Mr. Puach’s suggestion, the saving people of England have deposited | no less than £735,253 (or nearly a quarter of Mr. Punch’s annual profits) in these banks. Phat does not look as if they thought that | what Dr. Commune thinks—well, says—is true, about the speedy | extinction of this unfortunate planet. Quipyunc D. Gairrrra again. He wanted to know es PRINCE | NapPoxeon had gone to Pompeii. Mr. Layarp wittily told him that | there were many objects of interest_just now in Naples, and that any- thing else he might learn from the Monitewr. Mr. Grirvira is Member for that clean and pretty town, Devizes, and in the middle of that town he will see a monument that should warn persons against rash utterances. V.S. Carratn Cotes, of the Cupolas (not Core C. B. of the Domes) complains, in type, that his inventions are not being fairly treated by the Admiralty. Lorp CLareyce Pacet complains, in the House, that Coxzs, being on full pay, should write to the Zimes, and moreover, denies the charge officially. Knowing the sweet readiness of the Admiralty to assist inventors, and the fair play invariably shown by officials to outsiders, we are astonished at Captain Cupola’s har heartedness in making such an allegation—nevertheless it is just as well that it has been made. Then came a dispute about the Hull itadel. caer’ hima 6S an in at on et A oe oe Be ee oe 2 oe eee ee oe pee oot ol

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May 24, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 205 which Members thought meant the Oupele again, but the affair proved not to refer to a floating hull, but to Hull in Yorkshire—the squabble was not important. Then did Mr. Huszarp once more gallantly assail the Income-Tax, and debate at considerable length upon its iniquity. Him did Mr. GLADSTONE answer with the out us pleas, and offensive sarcasms. Were it not, O Pemes, manlier to admit that the tax is wicked, but that under the exceptional circumstances of our finance, we must all bear it, somehow, until it can be removed altogether. Why insult those who are robbed, why offer Old Bailey defence of a palpable theft? You are a great orator, so was C1cERo, so is and CICERO observes, in language which is familiar to Cox, if not to you, “ Nehil tam inoredibile est. non dicendo fiat probabile, nihil tam horridum, tam incultum, quod non tone, et tamquam-excolatur.” But allege, and Cox agrees with us, that the exception to this rule is your eloquence about the Income-Tax, and you can do nothing with that ugly and repugnant theme. Put your pistol to our head in a melancholy manner, and take our , but do not preach to us upon the.desirability of the transfer. Mr. Hupparp took a division on his resolution, which went to the doi doing away some of the and he was, of course, beaten, getting 62 99 votes. But the battle will be renewed again and again, and ween rman The rest of the evening’s performances were trivial, but we ma remark—the Scotch weblicthocbex Bill being the peg—that the meesint ion Mr. Buowanan, of G ing the convivi iW, habits of his constituents, has doubtless delighted many of them, but oe dissentient howls as follows at a Temperance Meeting in the City ‘*Was our Member of Parliament in earnest when he made that statement the other night in a Committee of the whole House on the Public Houses Bill? Oh! my country, what are we to think of thee, when thus spokemof by one of our city Members? Alas! alas! for the land of the Covenant and the Martyrs.” This wretched plebeian evidently does not understand that it is_per- fectly right for gentlemen (of whom Mr. Bucnanaw spoke) to do as oy in the little matter of tipple, but that the lower orders ought to be forbidden anything stronger than water or Temperance speeches. Wednesday, This was ‘a woful day for Little Bethel. To-day had been fixed for the battle on Sm Joux Tretawny’s Bill for the Abolition of Church Rates. Every decent compromise has been offered to Dissent, in connection with this subject, and, notably, it has been proposed that no person, who will state in writing that he isa Dissenter, be charged with the rate. Whatmore an honest ge of the impost could want it is hard to say; but, if you please, these gentlemen who on all ordinary occasions in the name of Dissenter, object to be “ticketed,” as they call it, and insist upon a law for preventing Churchmen from paying the rate. This is thought to be carrying the principle of civil and religious liberty a little too far, so the Church ey rallied, and a close thing was expected. Close, because numerous “independent” Membersare com: enepenadne-Smguntertaking to vote against the rate, and there are some pledges a Member is obliged to redeem. The debate was of little consequence, except that all parties stormed at Government for not taking up a question of so much interest, but the division was of considerable consequence. Str Jon TRELAWNY’s Bill was re by 289 to 288, and the cheering of the victors might have been heard at York Minster. ‘To show how well the whip had been used, see here. The above numbers, with our friend Mr. Denison, make 578, and there were 16 pairs, which make 32, and, with the foregoing number, 610, which is a very handsome sum on account of the 658. RounpEtt Patmer and Giapstov= voted against the Dissenters, and the Paws divided against one another, the bold Rogert going Church and the meek FrepERicK going Chapel. Now the name BrainTREE will come again, with a new significance, that word gE | the decision by which it was settled that a majority should bind a minority in a parish on a question of rates. But the minority wish to bind the — rity in the country, and we cannot let the Dissenters pass‘an Act‘of Uniformity. - ve War is proclaimed between the two Houses. The Speaker and ten Commoners have defied the Cuancetior and ten Lords to meet them at Wimbledon, where the rifle shall settle their respective merits. The daring Dentson’s defiance was instantly accepted by the warlike Wesrsury. So stood the matter for two days, to the Delight of Mankind. But, respice finem. A Kentish family ot “notorious poachers,” who have been convicted at twenty times, and one of writes to a contemporary, coolly stating that he stole partridges “because he was out of employment,” being far too h ty to accept the humble contributions of the payers of poor-rates, had set a child to snare game. The child was detected os imposed a heavy fine, avowedly inten t Pate who paid it, and said that they would : anata it been three times as many, eantime, — great virtuous indignation about consigning a child to prison, and one soft-hearted goose sent up the amount to the poachers, some y meritorious 1 pleasanter is sentimentalibus than honest 3 | person near him—so aa jetta charity. Sr Gzorcz Grey was interrogated on the subject by the patriot Dicsy Szymour, and gave this explanation, for which the Gushers might have waited. ‘The Billfor amending the Shipping Acts was considered in Com- mittee, and much objection was made to the system compelling captains to take pilotson board, whether wanted or not. Our friend Cox took really awensible view of the case, and complained if a pilot were on board:amd:a ship injured a barge in the river, no action would lie, except againstithe =. who probably had not a shillin is much to : S- be said on both sides, and the question involves ides money. Friday. The Delight of Mankind was somewhatichecked ‘by a conver- sation in the House of Commons upon thesubject ofthe Rifle Challenge. The Spwaker declared that he should never have thought of taking such a as to challenge the CHawceior, thatiorp Bucno, who thinks of no: but rifles and volunteering, came up ing him when he was busy, and that he made some joking answer whi 7 ExcHo took aw sérieux, and walked off with-to the Lords. a it - not yet made clear whether the match was to come off. y not? In complianee with Mr. Punch’s directions, a question;was put about the Suez Canal, but the answer was not v cxnlielt except that it is clear that the French have prevailed on the es to give them “forced vial labour.” that is, to make the unhappy natives work whether they like or not, and for nominal pay. A particularly uninteresting persona! quarrel over the character of a gentleman who was chai of what is facetiously called the Westminster Improvement Committee, and who has been succeeded by the eminent architect, Mr. 'T'rrp, occupied some time ; and finally Mr. Baxrer very nearly got a vote of £90,000, for the fortification of Alderney, knocked off, an impassioned appeal by Lorp Pataterston saving the vote bya = rity of 8 only in a house of 268. This is close shaving, gentlemen e Ministry—mind you don’t cut yourselves one of these days. PROGRESS AND DEVASTATION. (Dedicated to Lory Dersy.) Houee factory chimneys, in each lovely place, Belch out their foul smoke over Nature’s fair face. The soot of the furnace begrimes the May bloom, The ree “Plant” taints every blossom’s perfume. The streams, that were crystal, pollution imbrowns With the refuse of “ Works” and the se of towns, And the angler no more strolls along on the brink Of the once pleasant river that now is a sink. For the fish there are poisoned, trout, grayling, roach, dace, From pike down to minnow, the whole ag J race. And the spirit of old Isaac ‘Watrtox hath fled The banks now by rats alone haunted instead. Vast chemical workshops on_all sides abound, Diffusing the breath of corrosion around ; . And their fumes, worse than locusts in swarms on the wing, Blast, utterly, tree, herb, and every green thing. If the struggle for life, our engrossing employ, All that makes life worth living at length must destroy, Cannot Science at least save some verdure and flowers To last the short time that remains to be ours? “THE GESTURE.” “My pear Ponca, _ _“ House of Commons.” “You tell me that you were not in the House when I was demolishing BEN the other night on the Italian business, and you want to know what was the ‘extraordinary gesture’ which the papers say I used, to the delight of the fellows, when I dwelt upon BEn’s misuse of the word ‘ independence.’ ’ * T am happy to-gratify your laudable thirst for knowledge. “As I used the word, I gave the most preterna\ Suxve you ever beheld. Nothing that Lemarrre ever executed in Robert Macaire was up to it, or rather down to it. I believe that my head sank several inches below my shirt-pin, that elegant diamond one you gave me, and which I always wear on field-nights. Brn looked as if he had seen a regular Asian Mystery. : “ Ever yours, affectionately, “ To the Viscount Puncu.” “Pam.” AvreraTion or “INTERNATIONAL” CaLENDAR.—November 5th, Guy Fawkes’ Day, to May lst, Guy Fowxe’s Day.

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———., PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 24, 1862, mT fi ST. JANUARIUS FOR ITALY! ~ | | | NS To the Biitor of the “ Tablet.” a ’ Sr, | Witt you allow me to ask you how you account for this? I mean the fact | attested in the subjoined passage out of a | letter from Naples, which appeared in the | Siécle a few days ago :— | “The King, accompanied by his aides-de-camp }and by his military household, went yesterday in great state to the cathedral, where the miracle of the liquefaction of the blood of St. Januarius, after | having once taken place at Santa Chiara, is repeated | for eight consecutive days. The King presented to | the treasurer a magnificent diamond cross of the value of 100,000 fr. The saint, enchanted as it would appear at this present, accomplished his miracle a second time.” | What explanation can you give of the | liquefaction of the blood of St. Januarius, | ‘occurring, as described above, in pointed and | emphatic acknowledgment of a present at the | hands of Victor-EMMANUEL, whom I think you say the Pore has excommunicated? | | | Possibly you will deem it necessary to as- | | certain the fact before trying to explain it. | | But, as Lord Dundreary would say, supposing | the fact ascertained, what explanation would ou give of it? Should you say that the | | Krve or [tary has really not brought him- | self within purview of the Holy Father’s | | fulmination, and that the thunderbolt of the | Vatican, after all, has whizzed over his | head ? Or do you think the truth to be, that | the blood of St. Januarius always liquefies under conditions which are indicated by a certain figure to which they would raise the column of mercury in a thermometer? And lis it your opinion that a given quantity of | carbon, in the extremely pure form of a | diamond cross equivalent to a mass of silver THE BEARD MOVEMENT. | tantamount to 100,000 fr., could be success- Mr. Bristles, “Tuen You REALLY THINK IT AN IMPROVEMENT, EH ?” a employed to produce those conditions ? Miss Spikes. “ DEctDEDLY—IT HIDES SO MUCH MORE OF youR Face.” An answer will edify, PUNCH. FROM THE “WESTMINSTER BELL’S LIFE.” QUACK PILLS AND POETRY, Interesting Matches to come off. |__A Perropicat called the Hygeist, which is the organ of Mortson’s | : | Pill-grindery, contains the subjoined reference to some remarks that | Tue ArcuBisHor or CanTeRsuRY is open to make a match for the lately appeared in these columns on a quotation, from a puff relative to | Bench of Bishops, with the President of the Wesleyan Conference, and | Mogison’s Pills, of the description of poison, given by the Ghost in | an even number of Local Preachers, to hop over the gravestones in St. | Hamlet -— Margaret’s churchyard, Westminster ; the match to come off after any | We ; i oT j ¢ | “ The animus of Mr. Punch must be apparent to all impartial persons. £6 ar ema ap owe in June -j right legs ‘ be tied Up : the | ** The passage from Hamlet will be understood by all Hygeists as follows :— Ben Dizzy is ready to make a match with the Duke or ARGYLE for | ‘* The Vegetable Universal Medicine, whose effect i i i | So assimulates with the BLOOD of man, £500 a side to run a mile, walk a mile, and trundle a wheelbarrow a | Shoh-aniih cacaahaulinetn th semiues ion mile. The articles to be drawn in Lorp Repespate’s private room ; The natural gates and alleys of the body ; and the running, walking, and wheel-barrow-trundling to come off in | And with great vigour purges therefrom the Peers’ Court of th Ww i The thick and sour impurities, ¢ New Houses of Parliament, Which affect the thin and wholesome BLOOD. The Speaker of the House of Commons bets the Lorp CHANCELLOR, | even—any sum from £100 to £1000—that he will find ten Members of | ‘‘ How does Mr. Punch like this true reading of the passage, so sublime that the House of Commons, who will talk longer, sit closer, and cram | it should be written in letters of gold throughout the world? We repeat, that all more facts and figures in a given time than any ten Members of the | P°™°2* S20uld take a lesson from our greatest poet. House of Lords. The money to be staked, the articles to be drawn,| Mr. Punch has no difficulty in admitting that the effect of the and the umpire chosen, at Jemmy Suaw’s, where the SPEAKER has | egetable Universal Medicine assimulates with the blood of man. To romised to take the chair, on the evening of the Derby Day. He | assimulate is to feign, to counterfeit. It is not for Pusch to deny what faced by Lorp Repespate. A host of comic talent is expected to | the Hygeist says, that the Vegetable Universal Medicine assimulates, appear in the course in the evening. . feigns, or counterfeits, something or other in connection with the blood -B. A free-and-easy every night. Sparring taught Wednesday and | of man. Mr. Punch has no idea of asserting that the medicine so-called Saturday. Ratting sports as usual. Lorp Patmerston has promised | js not a counterfeit. to take the gloves with the Ear. or Dery on the occasion of Porky | ‘The foregoing paraphrase of SHAKSPEARE, as a composition, no doubt Ciark’s benefit, after his gallant mill with Mickey Hannan, exactly corresponds to the Vegetable Universal Medicine. The former is composed with the same regard to the laws of metre as, doubtless, the yerg > * - laws = a Fog? same eganesen The R de King. | says that “the devil can quote Scripture for his purpose.” ‘fo the ar | same end it appears that the quack can quote SuaksPEaRE, and, like Biucner’s motto and policy through life was “Forwards.” The | the devil, he corrupts the text, only with a clumsiness which the devil motto that the present Kixe or Prussia should adopt, for it is| would be ashamed of. If SHAKSPEARE were not an immortal bard, most decidedly his policy, ought to be “Backwards.” “Der Sinig | Punch might say that the quack murders SuaksPEaRgE, and Punch wi name nel would form a good historical pendant to “Det Marischal od that he would advise him to take care that he murders nobody jormirts,”’ else,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL—May 24, 1862. Qe 5 RUM ¢ ~ 9 / [ \ “ Pie X THE NEW ORLEANS PLUM. BIG LINCOLN HORNER, FOUND UNDER HIS THUMB,’ UP IN A CORNER, A NEW ORLEANS PLUM, THINKING OF HUMBLE PIE; AND SAID, WHAT A ’CUTE YANKEE AM I!

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s NM Nl ee i cul wl walUcr ‘“ = Sr aS ee ee ee Vev as See” - onl ee 4 eon Se Ree oO ovr RV Sm ave eae a OY na = al 7 penned nm

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— Mar 24, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “AN ORGANIC CHANGE.” has furnished us with thefollowing Shakspearian vari- sieabaee %- eoeaniers tosheaes, soos Shr escai the ion of J. Payne Coutier’s sagacious but impalpable Cor- : it appears to us not only plausible but certain. Jessica never sentiment attributed to her in the Merchant of Venice according to the ordinary Editions), her real words were : “ | am never-merry when I hear street music.” It would be strange indeed that she should be, but this honest é r in the estimation of every reader or auditor INDUSTRIAL HANDBOOK FOR THE INTERNATIONAL EXHIBITION. 8 spirited and agreeable little brochure. They the:principles which should govern the composition of the free of the sternest ny criticism, and ising of all contributions which do not come up to to whom the Commissioners may 7 mo ap u - = oe _ But = te) a c in selecting judges a’ itin infallible Rhadamanthine ~ ent on the vast and various display at South Kensington. That difficulty has now to the light thrown upon the dis- of a similar critical duty by the author of the Fine-Art Handbook. t of the Lancet has for Food. T. once competent and agreed to do the Substances used Wines will be taken in hand by the sleeping partner in one of the firms contributing most largely to this department. Th plant will be reviewed by a distinguished but disap- ted engineer, the proprietor of a patent for superseding steam ther. Mr. Warrworrs has kindly consented to report . ARMSTRONG’s inventions m gunnery; Sm Witiam on those of Mz. Wurrworta ; — nee ——— x these distinguished inventors. department o: es or- tifications generally will be entrusted to a flemen woe has for past been memorialising the Ordnance t in favour of an invention of his own, which subverts the whole of our received system of attack and defence. A Committee of English Upholsterers has kindly undertaken to find a thoroughly ed person to pass in review the Foreign Upholstery will be on by the will judge the French lace manufactures. CapraIn ACKERLEY — to report on the phi I surgical instruments, and the chief agent for the sale of Morison’s medicines on the .Pharmaceutical Substances and processes. . The Commissioners, in selecting these and their other Industrial judges, have made it their object to obtain the most unbiassed and t-informed —_ on the various classes of the Exhibition, accom- panied by that healthy and high-minded criticism, which will at once Sae die tap vary enenhuen-cbfed eeintubanction nes beeapompaned say th t) of information n postpon to the higher fanotione of inflicting withering censure or crowning with enthusiastic approbation. We are permitted, by favour of the Commissioners, to subjoin a few specimens, selected at random from their as yet unpublished— INDUSTRIAL HANDBOOK, Crass 12. Sus-Ciass A—Navat ARCHITECTURE. pg Cavs Fuicury, C.E.) 2735. “ Siateen models representing the progress of Naval Architecture from the first mJ of the Royal Navy, 1488, to the present time.” Contributed by Lonps oF THE ADMIRALTY, itehall. ! Yes—Progress—if, as Hamlet says, “like crabs we could potelvene This series admirably illustrates the crass ce, and brutal indifference to the s ns of inventors which has always marked the English Admiralty from the days of the Tudors to the present time. All that can be said of the navalarchitecture of 1488, is that it is abominable; but such as it is, it is immeasurably superior to that of 1862, which is the very last ion of human baseness, showing oatation, equilibrium, and hydrostatic siionat School” Sickening” ie iadoed the only epithet to ‘ “Si is in only epithe be applied to this series. : . years (By Soromon 2650. “ Model of 8. ps C. Fs Unsinkable Ship, submitted Inve ito effect to successive Boards &f Ldmiraty iralty, Yrom 1880 0 . The old story! Genius expplinsting ing in yain to be allowed to save the nation, and o wel panies d apathy ing the door in its face with brutal insolence. Here is a model in which the inventor (who modestly describes himself by his initials only) has shown the profoundest know- ledge of the great and officially wn laws whi vern floati bodies. This model is a thing of beanty indeed—and like all i ‘of beauty, a joy for ever, inasmuch as it defies alike the power of the aly elements, and the projectiles of the enemy. Language fails in th attempt to enumerate the beauties of the vessel—its Pwaslke lines its ote superhuman majesty of strength, its fairy-like delicacy of structure. the mighty invention at work on the air. subtlety of the contrivance for enabling the steering apparatus from stem to right in the wind’s eye and the enemy’s ! Mark humanity of the apparatus for ins ing an enemy, by which all the slow suffermg of wounds is swept away, @ prompt and pain- less destruction descending like a cloud, gently sweeps the assailant > a ! nd this is an invention on whieh a base, bloodyand brutal Admiralty has turned a blind eye and a deafear for these f ! How lo oh England, how long ! ee = 2981. ‘ Composition 7 ip’s Bottoms. 8. Pu to the Admi Marka srt volenall Pe ee Another marvellous invention, entirel: eneraing copper, metal, anny word an. othe hnaed > one ~ device . securing our he of oak from t sx yg J worm of the mud, the cat: tooth of the salt sea. if would we long ere this been adopted by the Admiralty, if the idiots of that department knew the AB C of their calling. It bears the same initials as the remarkable model numbered 2650. 2982. Ditto. By Buoces, Briston. A base imposture, which need only be seen'to. be detected. 2983. Ditto. By Torstpes, Newcastle-on-Tyne, Worse, if possible, than 2982. Profoundly ignoble in its hideous mix- ture of grease, coal-tar, and caoutchouc, and with neither faith nor love in the manner of its application. Crass 3. Sus-Crass B.—Sussrawces usep ror Foon. 755. Popgers anp_Co., New Oxford Street. “ Collection of Preserved Fruits.” A wicked, and unutterably audacious imposture. The apricots are unripe, the preservation is imperfect, the s falls miserably below its proper proportion of saccharine matter. housekeeper who trusts to such an article as this is lost! 763. P Preserved Provisions in Tin-cases, Braizk snp Co., Fenchurch treet.” Cats’-meat. The stomach turns at the thought of such ineffable cag-mag. 820. “ Infants’ -food—Cakes and Biscuits.’ Auom anv Co., Bread Street. Innutritious when not poisonous, and involving certain indigestion when they contain any nutritive prineiple.. It is profoundly afflicting to write on such things. But how much worse to introduce them to the nursery ! 895. yeu and Confections.” Saicky anp Tvox, 19, Blackball ey. It is diffieult to see how the seductive lusciousness of these parations can be set against their fundamental unwholesomeness. But the thing, we believe, is popular. If so, all that can be said is, “ Populus cult decipi et decipiatur.’ For our own part, we have only indignation for such sugary falsehood. The poison is not the destructive for its saccharine envelope—nay, infinitely , . Had Sticky anp ‘luck worked in a higher and holier spirit, they could not have been thus false to the deep principles which underlie the confec- tionery of earlier and more faithful times. less Crass 4. Sus-Crass A.—Animat AND VEGETABLE SUBSTANCES USED IN MANUFACTURES. 999. Bozssies anp Son, Bleak Street. “Bleached Wazx-Candles of various materials.” If these candles burn anything but the fingers of those whose capital is embarked in their ncauinsleae we be indeed surprised. 959. Suck, Super anv Co., Bow Common. “ Soaps, Parafine and Stearine Candles,” &c. We would recommend these base men to a little stronger soap to their consciences than that here shown, if they mean to ¢leanse Zt.

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210 ‘PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —_——., (Mayr 24, 1862, them of the “ perilous stuff” which such productions as these must accumulate in their business ine i ped with fraud; their paraffine fraught with fcetor. and their bosoms. Their stearine is stam It may explode, it can never illuminate. These few examples will suffice to show the spirit in which the proposed Industrial Handbook ho mirably calculated it will be to encourage enhance the enjoyment by visitors of the articles before them. will be drawn up. We need not point out how exhibitors, and i» \ SERN an K iy | v PELLETS OF PAPER. Tue Japanese are noted for the many purposes to which they can turn paper. The Ambassadors, who are at present airing their — a have, it is — per collars, paper shirts, paper pocket-hand- kerchiefs, and even pa Dae All their money may be, for what we know, paper, The Yankees, however, have thrashed them in their own speciality. They have, since they have been pummelling one another to death, invented paper blockades and paper victories. As the Washington Government have absolute authority over the telegraphs and the press, they can slay, burn, destroy, raise up, knock down, invent, colour, falsity anything they please. Give them a scrap of paper, and the thing is done with a stroke of the pen. Can the Japanese point to a single sheet of paper that ever has had the effect of killing thousands and wounding as many more? The latter is indeed a “ Happy Despatch!” . On the ground of paper-mills age their fights, as reported, are ‘frequently nothing © better) Japan is decidedly beaten by America hollow A Joke at the Japanese. One who has among his friends the fame of being a funny fellow says the Japanese Ambassadors, by one of their queer customs, run great risk of being often quite misre- presented ; for their wearing of two swords when they assume a State position, must inevitably make them he regarded as too sordid by half. (Oh!) AN IRISH ORDERLY MEETING. AccorpiNneé to a morning paper, the annual meeting of the London Trish Rifles took place on Tuesday evening, at the orderly rooms, 5, Lancaster Place, Strand. ‘The phenomena of this assembly were peculiar. In the first place :— “ The chair was not taken for nearly an hour after the appointed time, on account of the small number present. When the pz ings commenced there were not 40 present.” Not at all like Irish pagans ! Next, after the chair had at length been taken, the Marquis oF DonzGa.L, who occupied it, announced that :— “ Out of 509 enrolled members, only 113 had, up to that day, paid their subscrip- tions for the current year.” How very un-Irish ! ' The noble Chairman further stated that :— “* The falling off in the finances was exactly in keeping with the attendances at parade and drill.” In accordance with this statement :— “ Mason VERNER said it was absurd to march out with the musters they recently had. He thought it would be only disgracing the corps and his countrymen to walk through the streets of London with only a few dozen men out of over 500 whose names were enrolled.” With reference to the pecuniary affairs of the corps :— ** Mr. Montcomery agreed with Ensicn Goprrey, that one of the most practical ways of making the corps popular, and ~eaiies its effective strength, was the — of the subscriptions ; and the officers would add to their own popularity y urging the payment by the men in their different companies. (Hear, hear.)”’ This applause, to be sure, was a touch of nationality. Irish gene- rosity spake therein. Hear, hear! The divil fly away with the dhirt subscriptions! No doubt the officers of the gallant London Irish would acquire a great addition to their popularity by pressing their men assiduously on that subject. J Caprain M‘Sweeney said that the deplorable condition of the corps “ was owing to the proceedings of two English agitators ;” and— ** A scene of the most indescribable confusion followed the delivery of this state- ment, d which Caprain Tutty, Mason Verner, Mu. Leacu, Ensicn Goprrey, Captain M‘Sweeney, and others were ang” o It was at last put an end to by Caprain M‘Sweeney ly leaving the room, followed by half-a-dozen friends who besought his return. He refused to do so, stating that he belonged to the Victoria Rifles, and he valiaeaee Caprarx DavBney, the adjutant, who is an English- man, was present the ‘ row,’ and was under evident feelings of embarrassment.” : What a contrast is all this to the sobriety which usually characterises Trish deliberations !. Finally :— “‘The proceedings, which were very stormy throughout, were brought to a close by the Marquis oF DongcaL. stating with what regret he witnessed what had taken place that evening, and expressing a hope that if he met them again, it would be when a more friendly feeling was exhibited. He i the meeting. There was no balance-sheet submitted.” No balance-sheet ? That is a wonder! If the corps had been a Scotch one, such an omission would have surprised nobody; but the idea of an Irish regiment’s accounts wanting a balance-sheet, is strange indeed. The reader will doubtless already have noted the curious coincidence by which this meeting of the London Irish Rifles took place at their orderly rooms. ““We Haven't Come to that Yet! Tey have been erecting a monument to Ary ScHErreR at Dord- recht, his native place. The idea of erecting a statue to a painter! We suppose they will be putting up one to an author next! However, we have one great consolation: You won’t see anything of that kind in Trafalgar Square. ELECTIONEERING INTELLIGENCE. Tue Man in the Moon has invented a dodge by which he is now enabled to set Election Committees of the House of Commons at defiance. He has trained his dog to go about and bribe electors. “Le Moniteur” des Beaux Arts. THéorume Gautier, who is well-known for his quaint conceits, says, “The International Exhibition is certainly ugly and queer enough, but that is the very reason why I like it. It is so admirably adapted for its purpose from its extreme bazaarerie.” THE MOST WORST. WueEn may an American Indian be said to be rather out of sorts?— When his tom’-hawk’s out of order. A Goop Inscription To BE CHALKED ON THE Door or A FEMALE ENAMELLER :—“ Beware of the Paint.”

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May 24, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 211 LADIES AND THEIR VICTIMS. OME correspondent of the Moniteur in a letter about the opening of the Great Exhibition (whereof the building, itis stated, “ unites the qualities of the termi- nus, the market, and the greenhouse,” ) gives the following sad ac- count of how he was _ assaulted in the execu- “ tien of his duty, while ~ attending to report and sketch the y Day Show :— “ While we were maki a drawing of the architec- ture, persons arrived so quickly that we were forced to put our pencil in our oateet. A flood raised us up and carried us off with the force of a human Gulf Stream from the barrier on which we were leaning to see ‘the procession of the Court’ pass. Young ladies, fair, delicate, a rosy, gently but obstinately = pushed us far from where we were standing. Who could suspect that there were muscles of steel in such elegant and delicate bodies ?” Poor Mossoo! We oan for him, and we ament the cruel treat- translation. For there is no doubt it was Crino- line that pushed him from his place; and really while they wear it, and commit such savage cruelties, it is a ym stretch of politeness to speak’of girls as being “elegant and delicate.” ‘“‘RIGHT (AND WRONG) ABOUT FACE.” Tue practice of ladies having their faces en- amelled ma y in but still we should not be too severe on the poor operator who does it.to get aliving. It is rather on the aristocratic ts, who their countenances to the that we should all the phials of our censure. The enamellist herself is indeed to be pitied and not snubbed, as from the very nature of her p it is clear she is one who is ready at a moment’s notice to»blush for her entire sex. A Frenchman's First Step in Punning. Ma. Jonw Lemorng, the critic of the Débats has made a joke. S ing of a y-elaborated evan ~ oa Cums (we = ie not a the name), he says, r making some playfu allusion to his title, “this is not ome i - or iar, andveven ° 1 which is sti wed de ce tea-tra 5 decalonan, aot but it also implies a fami knowledge of our wonderful. “ WERE ’S TO ALL ABSENT FRIENDS!” Tue Americans have sent little, or nothing, to the International Exhibition. Supposing they had, the Annexes would, of course, have ment prived the sketch he might have made. But do French ladies never push, when they want to see a sight? Is it alone in perfide Albion that the fair sex are found obstinate? Else, need he have laid such stress upon the fact that when he got into a crowd he was actually crowded ? Mossoo, when he talks about the “steel” Still we most sincerely sympathise with poor wherewith he was assaulted. Of course for “muscles” we read “ribs: been the proper receptacles for them. Annexa- tion is a little pene that the Americans always entered into with the greatest spirit. They can annex everything, seemingly, but themselves. which has de- the universe of * ResecTED AppREsSsES.”—The Dead Letter ce, ”» a@ mere error in|O CAB-HUNTING INTELLIGENCE. Ir is not everybody who can afford to keep a carriage ; and even the who can are sometimes forced to take a cab. Now, it is all very well to say, “Oh! take a cab,” but the fact is, cabs are not so easy to be taken. Of late a blackguard custom has sprung up among the cabmen to ask, “Vere d’ yer vaunt to goo to?” before they let you get inside ; and if the distance or direction does not suit their book, they tell you that their ’oss is tired, or lame, or broken-kneed, and refuse on some lame pretext to assist your transit. Now this has recently become so monstrous an annoyance that Mr. Punch is pleased to see it brought before the public in a public manner. Thanks to Dr. Bucuanen, of Widbury Hall, Ware, three cabmen have n fined for refusing to do what they are bound to do: that is, when not engaged, and when plying for a fare, to take whatever fare they om to be offered. The first of the three cases is quite enough to quote :-— “ WESTMINSTER.—CaB-DRIVERS AT THE EXHIBITION.—Dr. BucHANEN, of Wid- bury Hall, Ware, attended to prosecute complaints against three cab-drivers for refusing to carry him. “Complainant said that the offences were committed at five o’clock on the after- noon of the 7th inst. ; he had been with a lady to the Exhibition, and as it rained heavily was desirous of getting a cab, but the drivers were determined only to take ‘such fares as they chose. “Joun Smrru, the first of the trio, pleaded not guilty. “Dr. Bucnanen said he hailed defendant in the Brompton Road, when he stopped and inquired where he wished'to go, and then said he would not take him. it had o cab-door, but, in q of defendant's driving off, was obliged for his own safety to leave it. Defendant gave no reason for not “* Defendant said his horse was tired, and he wanted to go to Stepney to change it; the gentleman never spoke to him, and he never up. “‘Mr. Anwoup said that by the act of stopping, defendant was holding himself out for hire. He (Mr. ARNOLD) had not the slightest doubt that the gentleman's account of the ion was correct, and defendant had aggravated his offence by the impudent defence set up. He was, fined the full penalty of 40s. and ‘costs, fr cue month in default. * . ” + * “Mn. Arwotp said the public were much indebted to Dr. BUCHANEN, who is a gentlen\an far advanced in years, for the case forward. “Dr. BuCHANEN said he felt it to Sgubite duty, and had travelled thirty miles ty take out ” LL Mr. Punch most view endorses Mr. Arwoxp’s wise decision ; and will answer for it that the public, when they read the sentence in his columns, will be very much ob Dr. Bucuanen for the mingled pluck and patience wherewith he prosecuted the three drivers whom he summoned. Cabmen usually rely upon the fact that to a gentleman the taking out asummons, and thea' to give evidence, are too much of a bore to be encountered lightly ; that there exists not one man in a hundred but wiil such “public duty.” All honour then to men like Dr. Bucwanen of Ware, who though “far advanced in years,” will put themselves to the oe of travelling thirty miles, in order to .protect the interests of the public; that is, brother reader, your interests and mine, as well as cousin CHARLES’s. Disunion is Strength. Te Yankees are always fancying that every nation: is filled with malice, hatred, envy, and all uncharitableness towards them. We can assure them, and the saying can be applied with most painful truth to the North as well as tothe South, that “They have no enemies in this world but themselves.” As their best friend, Punch advises them to separate. At present, the “Union is Weakness.” Apart from each other, probably the result may prove “ Disunion is Strength.” There is an old Latin motto, which they do well to carry into practice: “ Divide et Impera.” “ WRITE ME DOWN AN ASS ’-OLANT. A Monstevr Assozant, a would-be-if-he-could-be witty Corre- spondent of the Courrier du Dimanche, has been writing abusive articles against the English. The next article this effervescing gentleman froths up, we should advise him (it would be a capital som de plume for one of his peculiar style) to sign it not Assotant, but “Insoxenr.” R. 8. ¥. P. Lantes, which are the best ? Manchester, or London Busses ?

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PUNCH, OR THE Exper Sister. ‘‘ Gus, there’s your Cousin Rosa sitting down. Why don’t you ask her to dance?” Avevustus. “ Well, I’ve danced with her twice already, you know ; and people are so disagreeable, if I trotted her out again, they’d be sure to talk about it/” HINTS FOR PENSIVE PUFFS. I By Cexia’s arbour all the night, Hang, humid wreath, the lover’s vow, And then perchance, at morning light My love may twine thee round her brow. Then, if upon her bosom white Some pearly dews should fall from thee, Tell her they are not drops of night, But tears of sorrow shed by me. Then should my love begin to pout, And state that thou hast told a he, And that the wet has taken out From her pet dress Magenta’s dye. Bid her but Name the Day, nor doubt Her loving Canes will haste to buy The sweetest thing, for ball or rout, That tasteful SHooLBRED can supply. It. The Minstrel’s Watch the Standard Bearer keeps, We know not why; perchance upon the ticker The Standard Bearer from his hoarded heaps Hath lent the Minstrel money to buy liquor. If so, *twas kindly done, and five per cent. — Is cheap for solace to a heart that’s breaking ; But how much more that friend had safely lent, é Had but the Minstrel’s Watch been Benson’s making ? ml. I often wish that thou wert dead, And I beside thee calmly lying ; But when I’ve named this fact, my head Thou slapp’st, O Janz, without replying: Well, laugh thy laugh, and rap my pate, Continue in.that blithesome scorning ; But O, when I evaporate, Be sure you go to Jay for mourning. IV. O Stars! O Stars.of. Silence! O Gems in Ether Blue! Is it vainly, is it vainly, That Love looks up to you? Yes, vainly, O yes vainly, To make you out he hopes Unless assisted, mainly, By Do.uonn’s telescopes. v. I knew by the smoke that so gracefully curled Among the tall elms that my Cottage was near, And I said, if there ’s peace to be found in the world, A Nart that is umble might ope for it ear. . Then I sent up a smoke that as gracefully spired, And brought to my heart the sweet peace that I sought ; From one of those fragrant Havannahs, admire By all men of taste, and from AsTERIsk* bought. P.S. No; dresses, and watches, and mourning, and telescopes are matters of no great consequence, and the owners of the above names can gain but a few extra thousands by their mention here. But where, where is a Cigar sold ‘that would justify the immortalisation of its vendor? Till Echo can answer something else than Where, let Asterisk be the nominis umbra. - + BANCH. ; V versus W. 2 Aw Alderman, notorious for transposing his'Vs an. We itis the most profuse liberality, upon hearing a German make frequc™: r to his Vaterland, interrupted him at last by saying, “I presvin you mean Holland, for that is the greatest Vater-land that 1 0" Sr William B , of N Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. P: in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precim: Pwyilchary Cy of Land, Pinter st Ctr Oto tm Lombard Suort, inthe Precinct of Waiters City of Londen, and Publiaked by them at No. SS, Meet Steet, n the Farah oft. Bit ¥ Leadon.—Saruapar, 1862. a tae, 6 iio

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TANT MMM ~~ S OT ae ae

_—_ Mar 31, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

A CROW FOR OURSELVES, Tue Foreign World has come over and had a look at us, and has discovered that we can do nothing. France says we can’t paint China. Italy says we can’t make music.

———e = SS

PH <== 2 re

— og UNPARDONABLE MISTAKE. me says we can’t cut a statue. Spain says we can’t send olives. Portugal says we can’t mix port wine. witzerland says we can’t carve wood. America says we can’t talk English. Bohemia says we can’t make coloured glass. Turkey says we can’t embroider slippers. And every other nation says we can’t do something or other that it can do. To all of which Mr. Punch begs to answer, in his own mors, Very Likely, and, in the words of a deceased “* EXCUDENT ALII SPIRANTIA MOLLIUS ERA, TU REGERE IMPERIO POPULOS, ROMANE, MEMENTO, H& TIBI ERINT ARTES.” Which, literally translated, means, that while the rest of the world cooks, and paints, and fiddles, and carves, and embroiders, and all the rest of it— * England, ’tis thine, alone with awful sway, To RULE MANKIND, AND MAKE THE WORLD OBEY, Disposing Peace and War thine own majestic way.” Roo—ey—too—ey—too—ey—too—ey—too—ey !

NOTES BY A HORRIDLY SATIRICAL CREATURE. | Women first resorted to tight-lacing, to prove to men | how well they could bear squeezing. | Time works wonders on the faces of Mrs. TirryvaTs’s friends; but Time never touches Mrs. T. _ How beautiful is woman when adversity frowns upon her sister. It is touching to behold the resignation with which a woman sees her best friend compelled, by circumstances, to put down the carriage, and suppress her lady’s maid. Widows’ Weeds are easily got rid of by planting a late variety of the Seringa—per'! better known as orange- blossom. Raa at first sight often leads to marriage with the éyes shut. When I see a bee in the cup of an orange-blossom, he

Icnonant Fiunkey (to Tomkins, who is about to leave his Carte de Visite). “ Re’lly, | reminds me of the day when the confectioner called for his we don’t want nothink o’ the kind in your way, Young Man!” i t. bill for a certain wedding-breakfas

PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. May 19¢h, Monday. This is an odd world. The novel and profound remark is suggested to Mr. Pusch by a recollection that a short time back, Sin Ropert Pzet stated that the scenes of violence at the last Longford election (when CoroneL Wuite, who is going in for Kidder- minster, was beaten by Masor O’ REILLY) were unparalleled, and that Government meant to prosecute the rioters, and by hearing to-night that the petition against Mayor O’REILLy’s return was withdrawn. “« There ’s some’ in this world amiss Shall be unriddled by-and-by.” On the last stage of the Budget, Mr. Disraet fired off a very heavy gun at Lorp Pam. It was loaded to the muzzle with all kinds of missiles, and notably with charges of extravagance, jealousy of France, parange of treaties, and other bon-bons. Also, he was critical on RD Patmerston’s style of speaking, and said that he had no humour but a good deal of what was called in the last century, banter, and was now called by a monosyllabic name, which the elegant Disrarui would not utter. Mr. Punch supposes that he meant chaff. But if Pam does deal in chaff, he falsifies an old proverb by catching a great many old birds. Needless to say that Pam returned the fire, pointed out that the last Conservative Government had given the alarm and re- constructed the fleet, and were right in doing so, and added that the present Government would continue doing what they thought right, but would economise when they had an opportunity. After a little more talking, there came a fresh exposure of the injustice by which the Income- Tax is extorted by the surveyors, who are monarchs of all they survey. their levy no man can dispute, they don’t care a fig what you say, an treat you much worse than a brute. Then, the Budget Bill was passed. HITE, of London Super-Mare, promised to sages: Mr. Disrasui, if he came in, and were economic, so that modern Radicalism has no principles, and looks only to questions of money. Mr. Punch \ast week warned the Ministers that close shaving might end in their cutting themselves, and though his advice was not published

until after the division he is going to mention, the moral is the same. Mr. GuapsTonE moved the Second Reading of the British Museum Bill. He proposed to turn the beasts out of Great Russell Street, and to send them to Kensington, where for about £680,000 (much cheaper than the thing could be done by enlarging the' present place) they—that is, Nature, could be comfortably housed. Mx. Grecory opposed the Bill, contending that the animals ought not to be sent away, and that sufficient space could be obtained at the Museum. Mr. Monckton Mixyzs spoke for the Bill, and begged that we would not so wrap up ourselves in the Miserable Moment as to lose sight of the future. Lorp Henry Lennox had the modesty to say, that he would not put his opinion against that of Proressor OwEn, emg 3) on ye tera humility did him honour. Diespy Seymour of course ed clap-trap, Mr. ScLaTEeR Boorn made the sensible suggestion, that the Bill should be read a Second Time, and the Government of the Museums should be divided. Mr. Punter wanted to send away the sculptures, and Mr. WALPOLE said that the Bill was a positive necessity. Our Cox was for—what do you think—yes, sending away the Books! It is true, we never misre- present anybody, even a Cox. He wanted to send the Books and MSS. to Kensington. We wonder whether he would like to move the Read- ing Room also? Bravo, Cox. The Secretary at War supported the Bill, and hinted at the Regent’s Park as a good site, but said the offer of the land at Kensington had turned the scale. Mr. -Bernat OsBoRNE made fun of Prorgssor Owen’s demand for space for whales, CoLonzL Sykes desired that the working classes should be considered, and Lorp PALMERSTON argued that the proposal was an economical one, but he romised to give up the whales. A final grumble from Mr. Hentey rought on the division, and the Government were signally defeated, the numbers being 163 to 71, and the Bill is lost. This is a Governmental defeat, and in the old days might have occasioned some little excitement on the benches, but in these times we don’t trouble ourselves abaut Trifles. Ministers went on with talk about shot-proof ships and Irish crime, as mga as if nothing had happened. Some Members ee that the increase of murder in Ireland, and the assistance which the sewer: J io to the assassins, demanded more rapid justice than is at present out.

VOL, XLII.

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_ other enterprising people seekyto profit by this wish, | steps to hold the advertise | eno | mercenary view of the case. Bethel, has given notice that he has a plan for a compromise on the | to a vestry, in which owners as well as og oe shall vote, to levy a | rate for the purposes of the church. How t | | engi eer, who has gallantly thrown himself into the Norfolk breach, | it ay hints that the people who make all sorts of amateur suggestions | that waste of time and breath. Lop Patmer§ton then rallied for a . for the Alderney defences, and carried his vote by 174 to 118, Sim | severe. The Irish cry was again raised | were told, but look at Lancashire, where | 214 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. te [May 31, 1862, Tuesday. Bani Russe.t produced the convention with the United | landlords for asking for rent, and where sufterings, moral as well as ual right of search, off the African coast, and | physical, are borne with true heroism. States for conceding mut i ff th r the document was received with the acclamation it merited. ‘ Mr. Layarp ‘admits that the French behave harshly to our fisher- men, and says that he is endeavouring to improve matters. Considering | Was not aware of any how bad is the fish one gets in Paris, it would better become our friends _ to promote piscatorial free trade, whereby the high art of their cooks | _ would be enabled to demonstrate itself upon a more decent article. | with agitation Mr. Estcourt will be good enough to explain when the Sm G. Lewis proposes to try military murders at the Central | Criminal Court, so as to get them speedily sentenced. This course will | | shorten matters by one month. The Lory Cuance.tor’s Lunacy Bill was read a second time, but | | the lawyers found many faults in ., oe promised that in Committee | the utmost frankness. But we assailed, the lawyer mveyancing Reform those faults should be exposed wit dare say that this Bill will not be very ae, gg reserving itself for vengeance on the ills. Wednesday, The interesting business of the day was an exposure of a at and prevailing vice among the aristocracy. It seems that the eerage, Baronetage, Knightage, and other constituents of Swelldom are in the objectionable habit of ordering in Bottles of Gin on credit, and when asked for the money, of pleading the Tippling Act, We con- sider that this is by no means ele or elegant conduct, and we uite agree in the propriety of the measure read a Second Time to-day, or making such a defence impossible. A Duke ought to pay for his Gin, like a Dustman. Thursday. The Cuancentor spoke very well upon the Second Reading of the Copyright in Works of Art Bill. Lorp OveRsTone thought that the sitter and not the artist should have the copyright in a portrait, and if Mr. Punch should write Lornp Overstonz’s biogra- phy, his lordship would, we suppose, consider that the book should be the Gants of his respected executors. Loxp Taunton did not like the Bill, and added that he had no a with people who locked up pictures from the public. Nor has Mr. Punch, whose own noble and unequalled = is always open to the public, at a nominal and ridiculous fee, charged only in order to preserve his rights. ‘ Enterprising people are now anxious to go to British Columbia, and and make liberal promise in advertisements ment has been called to the” circumstance, and they have actually taken to their promises to emigrants. We do not know whether this is in accordance with the — of free trade or not, but we are very glad to see the course adopted. Once more appealed to on the Church Rate question, Lornp Pam came out with such a Pam-like speech, that we really must give it im extenso: PEreunstan The attention of the Govern- **Lornp PALMERSTON : Whatever may have been the wishes that the House has expressed upon this point, I think the House must at the same time have seen what are the difficulties which surround the question with a view to arriving at any satis- factory arrangement ; and all I can say is that her Majesty’s Government are not pared at present to undertake the task referred to by the right hon. gentleman. Piear. and a laugh.)” What were they laughing at? A gentleman sees that there will be a good deal of trouble about a particular piece of business, and therefore he really must decline having anything to do with it. All natural h, anybody else would do the same. Only this particular gentle- man happens to be paid £5000 a-year on the understanding that he will attend to such matters—however, one would not press a vulgar and i Mr. Estcourt, the vanquisher of Little Rate question, and means to ask for a committee thereon. He would do away with the present means of enforcing the rate, and give power will do away time comes. s Mr. Fettowes read a letter from Mr. Hawxsuaw, the eminent and proposes to save England from the sea, if enérgy and skill can do it. Mr. Hawxsuaw states that his difficulties are very great, and or repulsing the, ocean do not know w they are talking about. Personally, we do not much care about the matter, because we can swim, but if Mr. Hawksnaw can save the island, we shall, in the interest of friends, be rather obliged to him to do so. Six hours of Irish educational polemics. Six words have described Pro however pledging his professional reputation that the harbour, which is to cost a million and a quarter, will be “ perfectly useless.” Friday. The clamour of the Irish under a distress stated not to be excessive, contrasts with the patience of the English workman under a distress which is admitted on all sides to be exceptionally i i and painiel stories do not murder their Sm Rosert Currton thought fit to come out with a speech against extravagance, and was, briefly disposed of by Lo&D PALMERSTON, who q “* panic ” except on the title-page of a pamphlet, For which speech Mr. Coppen will “owe him one”—not that Lorp Patmerston or Mr. Punch cares much for the enmity of anybody, “or any other man,” as the stupid slang of the hour goeth. Str Morton Pero alluded to the ridiculously light punishments which some of the Magistrates inflict in eases of brutal assaults. As a rule, it is unjust to impugn a Magistrate’s decision, upon the brief and imperfect police reports, but it certainly would seem that very great ruffians do get off with very small sentences. The more recently appointed Seapetrates, mg» do — commit eo. and = proper shments have lately awarded. EORGE GREY bal no satisinetory answer to make. e ~ we business came up again, and a good deal of abuse was freely lavi a the evening was thus helped on. Then a Com. mittee of Sup we the inexhaustible Patmerston the opportunity of talking on education, explaining mechanics, telling anecdotes of clever boys, and generally making himself (and a vote of £300,000) pleasant CABBY ON INSOLENCE.) “Mr. Poxcu, : “Here’sago! As a hadwoeat of ekal justis'wot d’ye say to ~ ¢ week is pulled up , ot for ? on Capt- this ere? Grorce WaKELY, a cabman, won at Vestminster afore Mr. Arnotp, the Beek myc Harrison, Rile Hartilary summonses im for overcharg and hinsel- ence. I won’t say nuffin bout the overchardg, cos that ain’t the Pint *cept the cabman only Arst 4s. for an hour and a kevarter, drivin an om and wot’s that? The hinselence—that’s hall I’m Lookin to, and wos just this. Wen the cabman said 4s. the capting ast Im wot e meant by it, and the cabman answers, as sivelas e coul * Wot dol! mean? I want 4s.; first of all there is ls. 1d. for waiti Here the | genlman stopps Im and says afore they went further into the matter the | cabman had better give im is ticket. On witch the Gabman answers | im “There is two if you like.’ Whereon the captan tells im to conduct | is Self with moar servility. Fancy that! And then Begins agen inquirin | as to particlers; wen the cabman quietly tells im:—‘I don’t want no! more talk with you; I have given you my ticket and I want my 4s.’ | There Mr, punch, ser, if you’ll beleeve me, and I wish I med never drain | pewter agin, and see the papers if wot i says isn’t true, that wos the} ole of the case. And thereupon the beek Mr. Arnoxp fines the de- | pease t mat or 14 days hovercharge, and 10s. or 7 days for hinsolent | angwidge ! “Wot ad the Cabman got to say for His selfe? Wot indeed! Wot cud e say more than he did say, witch was this ere: —‘ He didn’t know what was meant by hinsolent language; but he certainly told the gentle- man he might have two tickets.’ Now I want to know if that are’s hinsolent langwidge wot langwidge can be possible perlite. Ort the cab- man for to ave Sed offerin the Tickets ‘O certnly Sir; praps you will alow me to present you with Two’—or sum flumery of that sort ? Wot is a Cove to say hunder simlar circumstences, to scape bein Puld hupp and Fin’d! I’m Blode if I Nose, and if you carn’t tell me wy I spose must go and by and studdy the Axdbook of Hettykett, That’s wot Hi shal do and remane in the mene wile your umble survant and con- tinyal contribitor to public Ameusment in your valiable Colums by the Name of “ Cassy.” *.* My dear fellow, save the money which you propose to invest in the Handbook of Etiquette. When a gentleman asks you for your ticket, produce it without making any remark, unless you choose to say, “Here it is, Sir,” which is preferable to “Here you are, Sir.” If you are sincerely anxious that he should have a see ticket to use for the purpose of summoning you in ¢ase he should lose the other, you may eafely invite him to take two, for you will Jo so in language whic he will mot mistake for that of insolence. Your friend did not know what insolent language was. He perhaps supposed that insolent language was confined to oaths and Foul words. The thought never occurred to him that there was any insolence in a jeer. If it had, it might have saved him 10s. or seven days’ imprisonment, which, if the Magistrate had awarded him that instead of a fine, would nave served him right. Take warning by his example lest you should incur the penalty which he paid, if not the punishment which he merited. Puncu. Go Along, Sir! Mr. Butter, M.P., sends us a joke. He says that Messrs. FecuTEs and Kran do not remind him of the place he represents, for being both short actors, you can’t call them Zower Hamlets. We shall dismiss this rl without a character, and we don’t believe that he wrote t —

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HTER both s this wrote PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. May 31, 1862.) “A CONSUMMATION DEVOUTLY TO BE WISHED.” (From. a Sufferer under Organic attacks.) “ Si,. e; Hers has published an Essay Daily Life If he lived where Ido, he would be Essays at Organisation in his Daily smueed before adding another to the number. U.: which used to be periodical, have now become daily and all day. From six in the morning till twelve at night I am liable to the imvasion of these awful grinders. I have tried the police on the pavement, frenzied iculation from the windows, terrific demonstrations with the wash- and basin, and malignant exhibition of a garden-engine, but all with. out A be os life is in fact becoming one long: and most painful organ- i Range do wish, under these circumstances that Ma. Hexps—a well-meaning: and kindly man I am sure—would suppress his present Essay, and in:liew of it write one to teach me how to free my daily life from the orgamisation. it now suffers under. “Tam, Sir, yours respeetfully, * A DistRacTED DisciPLE oF Bassas.” TRANSFORMATION SCENE. = uR. bon confrére, De Charivari, sa the English are flocking to Paris i such numbers: Parig is now quite an English town. Im the cafés you can get nothing but beer to drink— in the restaurants you ean have only rosbif and plum-pudding for dinner— on the Boulevards you hear nothing but English spoken—and the ma- nagers of the various theatres, to suit i nee of hoor new = aaa the capital, intend gomg entire course of the British Drama. The PorteSt. Martin inaugurates the series with Jonathan Bradford. However, London, it goes on say- CAPITAL has become completely a French town. Frenchmen swarm in the public- houses, the theatres, the clubs, the tableaux vivants, the police-courts everywhere. Even theT ames Tunnel is blocked up with them. The omnibus conductor, instead of flog- ging the back of his vehicle with a x is thick leather-strap, and shrieking out “Allright!” now exclaims “ /” in the softest Parisian tones. The theatres are playing their pieces in the beautiful language from which they were burglariously borrowed. M. Fecurer has been deli us. with Auy Blas in the original version by Victor Huso. The above is not only amusing, but is also another proof that one must go abroad to learn the news. For ourselves, we would not mind , 80 funnily depicted by our continental Parrain. Paris is 4 much handsomer and gayer capital than London. There is only one little drawback—there is no liberty. Besides, we are not particularly fond of coups d’étad. Carrying out the fancy of this double “ transformation scene,” our Parisian relation winds up by observing :— “This. said the Exhibi' Times will be transferred to Paris, tnd'the Moniiee will be brought oa = oy daa and that Punch and Le Charivari are in treaty with one for an exchange of offices, artists, and We feel hig y flattered by the compliment, but must respectfully decline the offer that. is wrapt. up init. The benefits are not exactly . There is a decided disadvantage in the relative positions. The wrivari of Paris has been lately warned. The Charivari of the French capital is liable to be suppressed at a moment’s notice. There are cer- subjects which it can only touch upon with the utmost reserve, and are certain tlemen of whom it can only speak in the most rded terms. e Charieari of London runs no such risk. The Chari- vari of the English capital enjoys the greatest freedom to say and do what it pleases, and stands in fear of no man. We should like to see Six Groner Grey daring to preach to us, or LORD PALMERSTON sending one of his satraps to tie a piece of red tape round: the jugular vein of our jolly periodical existence. We ess the dinners of Paris do tempt us a wee tit-bit, but where is the enjoyment of eating them with a ck on your lips, or with the nervous dread of a big gendarme ine minute and snatehing the savoury plate right from under your nose an! Murder? ‘Tragedy. ing, has gained in a similar way. It} pe No; bien obligés, but we will stop where we are. Dear England, Punch would sooner sell his beloved /udy (the best of wives) in Smith: field-market than leave thee ! “SENSATION” SCRIBBLING. Cath aspade a le, is a good old English proverb. Call a spade an implement of e:;; an instrument oud for ve gre the saab, this is what. one Jearns from the slang of ponretam For | instance, ol — a1 Awad nome written, of vi aa my md at Man- | chester.” eo ey not. speak y, and without disguise, say | . indeed! One such a heading, | it was. some dramatie news which they relate, and one naturally looked for some account of Monsrzur FEeChTeER, or perhaps a high- flown criticism setting forth the wondrous*merits of such eminent tragedians as Mr. Brooxe or Mr. Kean. “Oh, yes, dear, 1’m much tter: I enjoys my murders,” was the reply of an old lady who loved reading in the papers all the details which were furnished of all inter- esting crimes. And surely it must be for such old ladies only that we see recorded such particulars as these :— “ The prisoners were called to the dock at half-past ten. The male prisoner stood on the left facing the bench ; his wife on the right side. They both ap cool and collected. The male prisoner is of a brownish complexion, and a close exami- nation of his face, his restless eye and compressed lips, gave indications of con- siderable emotion, which he appeared to be struggling to repress. The female prisoner was pale, but the study of her face gave less indication of feeling than was traceable in her husband's. Her heart seemed to beat violently fora moment. The female prisoner wore a black velvet hat with feather, and a lace fall, a bead collar, brown mantle, and black kid gloves. After fora moment or two side by side, the male prisoner spoke to his wife in a whi , and she then sat down on a seat in the dock. Once or twice in the.course of the examination he spoke to her, holding at the time a paper in his hand, and he appeared as though he was con- sulting her upon its contents.” To details such as these we think there should be added a strictly accurate account of how often in the or the prisoners blew their noses, and whether when they did so they used white cambric handkerchiefs, or whether they used silk. The only phrase with which we feel no wish to quarrel'is the term “ male prisoner,” and that of “female prisoner.” These words seem to indicate that creatures who do murder cease thereby to be human, and are no longer worthy to be viewed as men and women. This perhaps may act as.a deterrent from the crime, an therefore we commend such penny-a-liner phraseology ; but the des- cription of the dress and the demeanour of the prisoner is worthy of the Newgate Calendar rather than the Times. Again, we read in this to us disgusting, but to some no doubt in- tensely interesting case— ** While giving his evidence the witness was at times affected to tears.” If the writer had said “cried,” he would quite as truthfully have | described the fact. But “affected to tears” is a nicely touching phrase, and one that ladies who delight to read of murders must take leasure in. Well, tastes differ, that we know ; but for our part, if we | ad to write about a murderer we should try to use the plainest, coarsest English we could think of, and not weaken the effect of an appalling crime by speaking of it im the language of a three volume romance, VERDICT ON THE MayrnootH Question (Jy any Cockney you please, my little dears).—“ Quantum Vhalleyat!”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 31, 1862. A RANDOM HIT. RartwaY Porter (civilly). ‘‘ What class, Sir?” Lrrrte TrrKrns (who has been Shooting for his badge, terribly riled at having lost it by a point; the ammunition being damp and wind high, of course). “ What d’ye mean by that, you impertinent man? What's that to you!—Mind yer own business, will yer ; I’m not a-going to be insulted—(recollects himself )—it’s all right.” [Retires confused. {| BEN THE BIRD-CATCHER. ' | THE MAY MEETING AT ROME. Lay your nets—bird-catcher—widely and warily ; ; | One of Revuter’s Telegrams, the other day, conveyed the following | . ~ my for Zomee heske, snd lay _ on young tails ; | momentous information :— | each your decoy- warble it merrily. i ; ; New tunes may do, when the ancient one fails. % reaped mem cept ne Sd ay maha A er yeednry og Ww -¥ ae ag coer \ a a one gull you may nobble, | “ Rome is full of priests and soldiers.” Who mixes Bright plumage with quakerly brown; : ; Sing “Reduction of armaments,” and with a gobble, i the peiecin vee awe tuk Gia collin’ aloe Up eneal ext | Some noisy White-throat on your chaff may light down. ia nd the soldiers were not there, to keep ithe 1 priests in the place Chant “‘ Saloum fac Papam !” in good Roman metre, physical force. It is too probable that if Rome, at present full o The Irish bn bindeor fe ominie Sng ean and soldiers together, were to be evacuated by the soldiers, it | Stormy petrels that scream round the bark of St. Peter, would very soon be also empty of priests. | _Portentous of tempest and ship-wreck and harm ; | The number of Bishops and Cardinals now present in the Eternal Sing “ Up with Kine Bomaa!” and “ Down with Kine Victor!” | City, which the Pope is so desirous of retaining as a Temporal City, | That the Normanby daw may be drawn to your lure, | would seem to indicate that the canonisation of martyrs cannot be | As the fascinate prey of the boa-constrictor, effected without the great guns of the Church; and 120 of them consti- | When first duly slavered, is gulped slow and sure, | tute, one would Rare nt nether. Is it a amenien neces- | Set your twigs, limed with rhetorie’s glue, close together, | Silion so expensive that it will cost 400,0008-or £16,000, 3s, 4d. At | "Neath your fair flowers of speech hide your sophistry’s snares, ‘this rate a canonisation is as dear as a cannonade ought to be, even | Spread widely your clap-traps, for birds of all feather, ;, | though the ordnance should consist of the biggest Armstrong guns; | From the drab to the red that the cardinal wears ; | for these, although they burn fifty pounds of powder at a shot, make | But remember the while, ParacENo THE SEconp, short work of the enemy, and no enemy is likely to be encountered m | That only young birds can be gammoned by chaff ; | the canonisation at Rome, unless it is the Devil’s Advocate, who neces- | That decoy-songs, though genuine music they ’re reckoned | sarily offers a certain opposition, always futile, to that ceremony. By noddies and boobies, make wiser fowls laugh. | The high figure at which the solemnity now going on, if it is not | ; over, at the see of aaa, has been ones, suggests the question : | it t 0 7, PE i ? A Billi ate Platitede. How much money it took to canonise TER | We are told that “Use is Second Nature.” This may be the case . | with many, but we think with a rare number of ple, inasmuch as our! In consequence of Bey D1sRaxtt having latterly come to such awful | enemies generally exceed our friends, it should co Abuse is Second | grief, Lozp Dexsy has applied to have his name altered to BEN-ON1, | Nature.’ ** the son of my sorrow.” [ imsn ON §. LI, O QIOH LAD LNVO I «MOHON Wa:

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aie: 2 Bes Cae seer AES youn Cie ieee - as sear, aati gS ee nase S Seen rere te ecgonmemeny sn 7 Ss (ee FSET A EE ERT RE TR gape oe ae Sr aS po a nin ee ene a scsremmeceen S04 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—May 31, 1862. top EE 4 LIA. FSG — Me ALLL LLP Cg gi ao ay : Y Be a ——_Z 1! Ali in 4 4) i} =a WL SS ol i

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8toeees, sa 2 sae o.2-0 roe

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May 31, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 219 OUR OWN CORRESPONDENT. a Have just come from the Interna- tional Exhibition. + Peni, i ii % was going to say, but the fact is that the only victory . which I achieved SSO owas) Over Mm \ charioteer . who me to “do the ’ansom’ hg og it, Dy dou 1s S fare to the Cromwell - Road, but I declined. NS eqns of “doing \s the ’ansome hing, © S I flatter myself I id ee . by im- sition, and after paying a few — ogues— green —re —yellow—(I reall didn’t know which colour te choose, but to do them justice, they prov: equally useless)—at the door, I entered the building. Of course you don’t want a description of . Everyone knows it by heart, and_has wandered, in imagina- tion at least, over those ferro-vitreous covered acres. We are certainly a wonderful people, and work, as perhaps our foreign friends will think, in a penmtabianl sort of way. It was a gardener who planned our Crystal Palace for ’51, and eleven years later we are indebted for the design of another Exhibition to a soldier. A barrister superintends the casting of our great bells, and we have an architect who is an Soeee oo Ratenee. Well, perhaps when our coasts are invaded, a bishop be pisican was “five . Whether our country cousins have not all come up to Town—(I beg to bucolic and bachelo: ing over, and the p: : tain, Set for first few hours on Monday the 5th instant, the congregation in the ow yd tary at War, and a iding at the Admiralty. r acquaintance that I have no more room in my is” was a thin one. The first “distinguished strangers” whom I own 4001 ) \ \) » WN il \\ll se on first -day” to find so few’ visitors in the inform pw we, fire whether they prefer waiting until the Exhibition is completed, the noticed were some dusky gentlemen in — coats, tight groom-like trousers, yellow red «waistcoats, gold collars, ditto earrings—say eighteen inches in circum- ference—and no stockings. Who they were, I cannot say for certain. Policeman double X to whom I referred on this matter, pointing to one of the party in a bro- caded satin petticoat, remarked entially to me that he had h as how he was the Grand Dook of Indy. I wander down the Great Nave, which looked like a Brobdi kaleidoscope out of order, and arriving at the west end, find a number of peemie jounging about on the canopied dais under the dome. There is a stout British ‘female’ who has already assumed the post of honour, and is perhaps speculating as she looks about her, very hot and tired, how she, if Fate had willed could play at Royalty. There are hun of her sex crowding round the stalls of Mxssrs. ah of Hunt anp Roske1t, &c., &c. Next to wearing jewellery I think women enjoy looking at it best. What loves of rubies, what darling emeralds, rings, bracelets, brooches, are here foees be thankful, husbands all, I beg that sales are prohibited in the Exhibition. ‘ : _Of “trophies” there is no end, There is the military trophy bristling with rifles, bayonets, and si ;, the grocers’ trophy piled up with cans of biscuits, jars of es, sauces, potted beef and fresh ditto, preserved in a most miraculous way under a glass case, chocolate powder, patent corn flower, wax fruit, dried owers, kippered on, what not—looking like the contents of FortNuM AND ON’s shop arranged in the form of a pyramid. As for the Toy Trophy, if I am victimised as a cicerone to my young relatives, I shall take very good care detained to inspect and pass judgment on rocking-horses, model farms, penny theatres, Noah’s arks, bats, balls and battledores, dolls that wink or squeak under certain mechanical influence, known only to the proprietors, but supposed to assimilate wonderfully to nature for four-and-six. This collection of Young Eng- d’s resources is dedicated to “the Youth of all Nations,” who will doubtless appreciate the compliment.—“ Vive la Jeunesse!” I say, and wish my pop-gun days "! e mary engtiiond department, th fal e ary engineering de ment, there are some pop-guns of a larger wth called Armstrong, a name which you may have heard before, and which I fare say our friends across the water have learned to respect. Here we learn the ce between rifled and smooth “bores,” and see samples of gun-metal, mortars, field-pieces, garrison-carriages, ammunition carts, and all the paraphernalia of war. Grimly presiding over this section stands night and day bestrapped and Private Dummy of the British Grenadiers, native of cork, whom I saw before the Exhibition nent lying enveloped in a canvass bag (he had probably acking cases cleared out, I cannot say, but certain it is |}, to reserve this spectacle for the close of the day, or who knows how long I may be}. got the sack from his regiment) awaiting orders. Now he is as smart a representative of her re s army as vermilion and horse-hair can make him, and I dare say does his duty as well as some, apparently, more efficient soldiers. Then there is the model of an iron-cased steam-ram ship, which, to use the expression of the penny steam-boat’s call-boy, can “ ease,” “back” and “turn astam” before - can say “Jack Robinson,” and knocks ev ing to lazes wherever it goes. In case of being boarded she will be able to offer her visitors a bed also (of amaqueous descrip- tion), being fitted with a machine which sweeps her enemies ”~ pg ey as n i _— peeaedl yma 4 on ow long I might have stayed inspectin Class 12, but oman peep down Sg little piece of someting about the “bubble reputations" witch iss joke something about the “ 7? WH is a joke already ra stricken in sonal slag 8 pose’ dis- may, and presently ina of shavings, straw, ond packing cases, where I was not a little amused b ngey | some of the addresses on the foreign i poods. Fancy a British porter having to decipher the following inscription, for instamee :— KARETA Z FABRYKI POWOZOW 4OZEFA RENTEL W. WARSZAWIE Na wys*awe powsze chna Londynie “glass with care,” and “ this side upwards,” were common directions, but I think the gentleman who requested “this side mot to be kept ” di es some credit for the originality of his paraphrase. All this time I had been madly using of the catalogue in hopes of finding what I wanted to at. This experinient proving fruit to wander about and see everything in turn as best I could. What aes see? Be a abr see in ~ om ot my peregrinations f volving terns, na , huge telescopes pointing right up to the roof, and half finished fountains, which by-and-by are to throw their waters high above an admiring crowd. Spanish saddles from Valencia, stamped and stiched to that extent, that it would seem a sin to sit on them. Gorgeous ture from Turin and wood-carving from Lenya, Biaaes Majolica, French ronzes, Roman mosaics, Indian shawls, native dresses from New Brunswick, and native herrings from Nova Scotia —how can I attempt to describe them now? To say the truth, at my first visit I could but take a general survey. and even then several bottles of Bass and ALLSoPP failed to sustain exhausted nature, and I came away very tired. * The intermediate letter was ob d a den block. This fact, however, did not much affect my tion. PROCEEDINGS AGAINST LORD ELCHO. We understand that in consequence of what passed in the Houses of Lords and Commons,' in reference to the challenge conveyed to the Lorn Cuantettor by Lorp Excuo, the following Case has been submitted to the Law Officers of the Crown by Mr. Denison, the Speaker. CASE. “T never told Lorp Excuo to Westpury in the way descri Ss and challenge Lorp in the CHANCELLOR’S ch. “ Your opinion is therefore sogeeeied, “Whether I cannot go at Elcho in some way.” ANSWER. “We think you can. By 2 Rich. Il. 1378, provision is made for pane byte mo ‘do wrong ted high perso: of the land, such as ju peers, rs the Crow, an other Tunctionaries, by the ireulation scandalous statemen news, or essages, which any debate or discord between them and the Com- mons might arise.’ It is Scaspatum Macwatum. Now, if Lorp Excuo walked straight to the CHancextor, he did not circulate his ae but if it can be shown that he went round with it, we think the above words of the statute will enable you to serve him out. we wo’ we were you. Wu AtHERton. Rounpett Parmer.”

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PUNCH, OR THE. LONDON CHARIVARI. ee, [May 31, 1862. AUTION.—(To the two young ladies in pink bonnets who expressed such enthusiasm BBS’s pictures, and would so like to see that “dear Mr. Srusss ”) ket-handkerchief, and removed to convey the impression that about Mr. B. young man who on overhearing the above praise, wetted his an speck of dust from Mr. 8.’s picture, thereby He was the fortunate man who had pain canvas before in his life. beard and spectacles. it, is some impudent impostor, and never touched a Mr. B. Srusss is a good-looking short man, with wideawake, auburn a, THE COUSINS ARE COMING. (4 Song of the Season.) Tue Cousins are coming, I fear, I fear, For Cousins ’twill be a most terrible year ! By ones and by twos they’ll drop in, and half-dozens, They ’ve so many inducements—those dear country cousins! Are so anxious to see one— lanning so long, To pop in on one guite what they call “sans fassong ?” “Then the Great International, of course, we must visit, And it’s hardly worth coming for that only, is it ? But then, you’re aware, there’s the Royal Academy, And not to see that would be really too bad of me ; And then the two Operas, both going together ; And the Crystal Palace—the place in fine weather— With the Flower-shows and Saturday Concerts, and all, | Winding up with the Great Hanpet Festival ! And then there ’s the week’s Rifle-shooting at Wimbledon, But that, in a day, one can get (if one’s nimble) done, Wound up with the Grand Volunteer Review— For which your open carriage and pair will just do. Yes, we’ve so much to see, you ’ve so little to do, Now the Session-work ’s over, the season well through, That we hope to be with you, next Wednesday, D.V., To spend a week with you, or, p’raps, two or three—” Oh, the Cousins are coming, in files and in sections ! For folks with town-houses and country connections, The look-out for the year wakens serious reflections ! TELEGRAMMATIC TWADDLE. THe France Centrale announces that the CARprInat } ARCHBISHOP OF Paris, who is about to leave that city for | Rome, has declared that if the Holy Father should leave his capital, he would follow him wherever he went. This | announcement, if authentic, may create a crisis, and Lary, 2 tate the solution of the Roman question. In case the Emperor Napoueon believes that the ARCHBISHOP oF Paris is likely, in the supposed eventuality, to be as good as his word, it is highly probable that the evacuation of Rome by the French troops will speedily become an accom- plished fact. yet, however, confirmation is needed for | the rumour that accommodation for two distinguished foreign ecclesiastics has been bespoken in Leicester Square. The tall REFORM AND THE READERS. We must, in this Whale and transitory Spear, take what we can get, and get rid of what we can get to go. For the moment, Mr. Panizzi has been unable to get rid of the Beasts, but he gives notice to eject | ; the Boys from the British Museum. A proclamation has gone forth, | announcing to the juveniles that as soon as their tickets are out, they must ask their parents to purchase for them the grammars and dic- | tionaries which are at present provided at the expense of the public— | and of students—and that they must go up-stairs into their bed-rooms to learn their lessons for the morning, instead of lounging on the Museum chairs for which a Darwin, a BuckiE, a Farapay, a} Mavrice, or a Puncu may be waiting. All very well, and the sending the young folks away will no doubt be found conducive to the quietness of the “balance” of readers, as the Americans say. But Mr. Panizzi should carry his reform much farther, and clear away a whole heap of people who come choking up the room, and who have no more business in a Library like that than | they have in the ball of St. Paul’s, nor so much indeed, as they might | have in that airy place of recreation for idle folks. By way of supplying | Mr. Panizzi with some statistics that will justify his adopting ulterior | measures, Mr. Punch took the trouble a few days ago, to walk round the | Room, and behind all the readers, and with the most perfect nonchalance | and entire indifference to their astonishment and indignation, to take up | a good many of the books, and see what was being read. He made some notes, and they are. Omitting Fractions, that is the Boys, this was the account he out, and all the readers were grown up, well-to-do | people, who were simply amusing themselves, and were perfectly ca- | pable of obtaining their amusement at Mr. Mupie’s, or Mr. WesTER- Ton’s (we congratulate him on his marriage by the Hon. and Rev. | Mr. Lippgt1, and hope we shall have no more Tractarian or Sectarian nonsense) or the New Library Company. The Tables, as everybody | | 4, TUPPER’S knows, are lettered and numbered, like a Policeman. And now please to observe what the Parties were reading. A. . Dryven’s Virgil. . Swirr’s Works, Travels. . Don Juan, by Lorp Byron. B. . Things not Generaliy Known, by Trwss. . John Bull, TxEoporE Hoox’s squibs. Proverbial Philo- sophy. (Apparently asleep.) . The Post Office Directory, and the Court Guide. 3. Mrs. SHeRwoon’s Stories on the Church Catechism. 7. Rapetais, Mr. Boun’s cheap edition. E. . Adventures of a Griffin, Plates. }. MaunpeEr’s Biographical Trea- sury. . Sueiiey’s Poems. . LivinesTone’s Africa. F. 2. Guide to Hastings, St. Leon- ards, &c. 3. Burton’s Anatomy, and the Dictionary of Quotations. 4. Anastasius, by Hore. (Stand- ard Novelists.) . Caprain Dop’s Peerage. A Newspaper, clandestine. . Mr. Boun’s translation of Horace. Also a French one. G. 3. SHAKSPEARE. ; 5. Jounson’s Lives of the High- | waymen. } . Metropolitan and New Monthly Magazines. . Colonel Jack, by DEFOE. . Donnecan’s Greek Lexicon. H 1. The Modern Drama. Pizarro, the Stranger, Sc. GULLIVER’S C. . Quartes’ Emblems. . RusKin’s Stones of Venice. >. A Volume of old farces. * . Macau ay’s England, Vol. I. D 2. The Beauties of Shakspeare. 3. Porrer’s Grecian a, arr 5. The Mirror, 1849, 50, 51. . Was copying Music into a Lady’s Album. a

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May 31, 1862.) PUNCH,. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 221 . The Slang Dictionary; by Jon | than all) may be taken as types of the intelligent populace for whose 9, Macauiay’s England. Vol. Ul benefit that splendid Room was built, and for whose sake the world is Table Book. 4. SHAKSFEARE. 7. Life of William Wilberforce, by | 7. Hudibras, by ButtER. Sons. . Anstey Park,a Tale. N.N I. J. 9. ———_ History of Civilisa-| 1. Crupen’s Concordance. ion, Vol. I. Vol. I 8. Ja Belle Assemblée. racy of which it is unnecessary for him to say that he is prepared to | where. veut, He merely adds that the forty odd senders, into the ecceet Stvbces _ | reeondite studies he has admitted the reader of Punch, (a study nobler young and therefore respectf “invited” as our friend L. NaPoxEon says, to read at home, and that such invitation be rendered a little more tion that all tickets expire on the First of January, 4 a EE. 3. Divorce Trials, with Plates. 6. Hone’s Every Day Book and | ransacked year by a to bring literary treasures 7 8 will be renewed except upon better gr above are likely to assign. With tears of delight in his eyes, Mr. Punch must add, that on the : , above afternoon he found eleven readers Mr. Punch went on, but will not add to the above list, for the accu-| them, but reform must be carried out, and If they will send him their ad shall come and ther. Mr. Punch ly recommends that such readers as the above be ral intima- d that none pees 863, an ounds than any readers like the perusing Him. loves on. a Punch _ ay e angel with the golden ‘hair, who sat at F. 5) in his own office, until farther notice. darlin, POETRY BY A MUSICIAN. OME musicians are sup- posed to hold Poetry in | considerable contempt, | and when they want | “words” to set, they | are thought to desire | that such words should be of the kind least cal- culated to distract the attention of the hearer from the music. Great compassion n ex- ;_m musical cir- cles, for Dr. STERNDATE BENNETT, on account of his having been obliged to compose music to suit the “far-fetched”’ ideas A FRENCH CRITIC UPON CRICKET. Every reader of our and our magazines, of course is well sete aale the intelli- gent foreigner.” This exemplazygpenson is introduced to public motice on all possible ovonsions,sand is:spoken of as one ee arn oe insular peculiarities, and has pamorongh insight into all our ways. ‘Accordimg:towhat we hear o him, the “ intelligent forey ‘kmows a good deal more about us than we do and isifar more fit‘to venture an opinion on any point connected with our ent or habits than any o ' ash born. It is however a sad fastzthat the “‘antelligent foreigner ” condescends a t, ake paliah tikragiatee shout epi “in with ‘truth applied. That we English keep fierce bull-dogs, live on raw rump-steaks, and sell our wives in Smithfield: world-known. facts like these our foreign friends are never tired of recording. ty for | of the Poet Laureate, | But it is seldom they report some other of our customs, j bo and though Dr. Ben-| which are not less to our credit or less worthy to be known. This | NETT repudiates such|An exception to the rule we have however noticed in a recipi- compassion, and con- writer for the Zemps—(M. ScHERER by name)—who, after > siders that music and | dilating on the magnitude of London and the valour of our Meo poetry fond give a volunteers, admiringly reports that :— receive honour by alli- ; F : “ Every Englishman wh ts himself begins his day by plung- tion of ance, he 3s regarded as ing foto tho lganian, 0 mane te Sold bath, wehich fortihes the soul aoe an Pegg ee am Hg as well as the constitution.” and is one. \. - ae. led for makers Nike the aad It is not surprising that a Frenchman should be struck uished words which they would by our habits of lavation, which to the foreign mind must icester themselves write. And | Surely seem a proof*of no ordinary fortitude. But hear _—————— please Plates. il Trea- Monthly it is unjust to say that they would always write rubbish. Mr. Punch has received a poem, in which a gentleman who plays on an organ in the country, and advertises that he shall be happy | to teach other persons to play on an organ (the locality is not Hogsnorton) | expounds, in poetry, his views of music. And as this gentleman comes out in a| way worthy of his vocation, Mr. Punch is tempted to reproduce the lines, only | suppressing the writer’s name for fear of exciting the jealousy of his brother profes- | sionals, “ Music is both a science and an art That refines the mind and that cheers the heart, | And keeps fearless youth from many a snare, And relieves old. age of many a care. ** How wonderful ! how potent! O, how rare An art to diminish old age of care, And a science, to guard the young so fair ! Then nor wealth nor honour with it compare. “* Earth's Goddess, thou dost with thy charming dart Tempt me, for (O, thou most delightful art) Mine ear is pleas’d, my soul rais’d, and my heart Is moved by thee, O, taou divinest art.” Now, this subtle employment of poesy in honour of music is so artistic that henceforth we hope there will be less readiness to believe that the musician does hot appreciate the poet, and Mr. Punch is much obliged to the correspondent who has supplied him with the newspaper whence is extracted this refutation of a vulgar belief. } The Titan of Westminster Improvement. man e t ° to constitute a Trre fit. i a e places he holds, so as, in each of them, | what M. Scuerer says of hunting, cricket, and other English field sports :— “ An Englishman would feel that he was wanting to himself if he did not give two or three hours 'to.a walk, ora ride across country. If his means and his occupation permit him ever so little, he will mount on horseback, hunt, or handle the oar. He has learnt from an early age how to fight ; notas we do, with shut eyes, and flinging by chance his arms round his body, but in a rational manner, using his fists at once to parry and to attack. He knows that science and knowledge make up for inequality in bodily strength. He is aware that in a contest with a cabman or a shoeblack he will have the upper hand, because he has more skill; and he thus exhibits the pacific assurance of a man who trusts only to himself. We have often thought that the noblest present our own France could receive, the most effi- cacious means to regenerate and stre: en our youth, would be the introduction among us of some national sports like that of the English cricket. It is an exercise that excites emulation, requires force and address, calls into play every physical aptitude, invites to wholesome fatigue and to the open air, and prepares vigorous bodies for vigorous souls. ‘ Without frankness,’ said Wa ter Scort, ‘ there is no virtue ; and without courage there is no frankness.’ He might have added, ‘and without force there is no courage.’ We affirm it in themost itive manner, the Englishman is a magnificent specimen of human ind, and it is cricket which has made the En, what heiis.” Bravo, M. Scuzrer! Well said, good Monsieur! That we Englishmen are magnificent specimens of humanity our modesty of course will scarce allow us to.agree; but that it is cricket and similar field exercises which have made us what we are, we know no reason to ame. Strong and healthy minds in strong and healthy , such it is the aim of wholesome field sports to ensure, and Englishmen of course must feel great reverence for cricket. We suppose the French will take to playing cricket, and that inter- national matches will annually come off, wherein for the first year or two eleven Englishmen will play some half a hundred foreigners. We shall be curious to see how our slang words are translated, and what the French, equiva- = will be for a “ wide ball,” or ‘“‘ Now then, butter- 17? ngers !

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——__ [May 31, 1862, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. rm iiit PAA AMAT WORTHY THE ATTENTION: OF POLITE YOUNG SWELLS. Before you offer your Railway Wrapper to Young Ladies, be sure to see your fellow has not rolled up | in it your toilet necessaries, and sundry articles intended for the Washerwoman, which he could not | they are tormented with anxiety on one Jind room for elsewhere. THE TOD-HUNTER. O, a gentleman found in the very rig hox Is that excellent Magistrate called Mr. Knox. And rightly he sent for a sojourn in quod The horse-fl coachman of testy Miss Topp, Notwithstanding his Missus, with petulant tongue, Said her horse wanted whipping because he was young. We’re glad cruel Greassy Is sentenced to go, Where, if restive, he’ll, too, have some weals that 7/7 show, And we’re glad that Lorp Essex was staunch in pursuit Of the insolent cove who behaved like a brute, | And we’re glad that Miss Topp from the Magistrate drew A lecture that changed her black looks into blue, And we’re glad, very glad, much disliking the rod, That we’re not a young horse which belongs to Miss Topp, And we Leeda that she’s, morally, set in the stocks, By the excellent Beak who is called Mr. Kyox. GOVERNMENT IN LODGINGS. Wuat blunderers we English are about our public buildings! We carry comfort to perfection in our private houses, but in all our public edifices this is disregarded, and their costliness is heedly reater than their inconvenience. After vans away millions to build themselves a house, our Commons are provided with one too small to hold them, and even this, although bran new, is showing symptoms of decay, and in a year or two wil probably be falling about their ears. Then, not to speak about that pepper-box affair which we degrade ourselves by calling our “ National” Gallery, and not to say a word about our Brompton Boilers, or their elegant twin-brother, the new structure at South Kensington, just look at the miserable makeshifts we make use of, and the sums we yearly waste in_renting wretched holes, which we dignify by grandly i blic Offices, and wherein we transact the business of the nation. hy, it came out the other evening in com- mittee of supply that we are annually paying £27,000 for the lodgings which we hire for Government. to work in; and as these lie scattered all about the town, it may be fancied what a waste of labour they occa- sion. In the debate that we refer to— “Sr 8. M. Pero called attention to the large amount which the Government ———— (Vz ESSAYS AND REMARKS. ' that a tiresome speaker is voted a bore, allusion is apparently made to parliamentary practice. Yet neither the House of Lords nor even the House of Commons ever votes any one, albeit the dullest and most prolix, of its orators a bore. Lorp CHELMsrorD and Lorp Cranworty have never yet been voted bores in the Upper House, and the Lower House has hitherto forborne from voting Mr. Seuxty or any of the Irish Members bores; indeed some of them are not exactly bores, because their extravagance is rather amusing. The gift of eloquence redeems the CHANCELLOR OF THE ExcHEeQueER from being the principal borein the House. The Budget is essentially a bore; the longer the speech that is made about it the greater the bore, and nearly the greatest bore on earth is the Tncome-Tax. Any sort of Jecture is a bore that tells you nothing but what you knew already, and if every preacher bore this in mind, no con- — would ever be bored with a sermon. ome gentlemen denounce as a bore any speech or writing which informs them of what they don’t want to know, and which, making them no wiser than they were, they ironically call didactic. What is one man’s bore is another man’s hobby. What a bore is music or poetry to a man who has none in his soul—that is to say, in his animal nature! Dancing is as ‘great a bore to one man as moral philosophy is to another. Small talk bores some men. worse than metaphysics or even than theology. The most insufferable of all bores are wife to husband and husband to wife, between whom the most ardent affection does not exist; but when it does, Borz.—In my u janother’s account; and that is a bore. were continuing to pay for rent of offices in various parts of the town. He thought a considerable saving might be effected by concentrating the establishments, and he would ask whether the Chief Commissioner for Works considered he was acting wisely in continuing a rental of £27,000, instead of having a building in which those offices could be concentrated ?” Having put this sensible question no fewer than three times, Sm SaMUEL was favoured with half-a-dozen highly gracious words from Mr. Cowrer, admitting that the subject was “ one worthy of consi- deration,” and that, if by happy accident a site could be tied, it might possibly be proper for—aw—Government to—aw—think a little more about the matter, and—aw—hear what honourable Members might—aw—have to say about it. In other words, the question is shelved until next year, when the Government again will have to ask the country for the money for their rent. The Government, it is clear, are like those lazy sluggish fellows who continue to put up with lodgings that don’t suit them, rather than bear the ‘trouble of having to tum out. It is, however, to be hoped that for the credit of the country, Government ere long will be obliged to build themselves a decent block of offices, and to move their clerks out of the cellars and back attics in which they are at present condemned to do their work. If it were known what pangs are suffered by the elegant young. swells who con- descend to read the newspaper at the national expense, if it were known | what tortuous stairs now torture their slim legs, and through what | dark and dingy labyrinths they have to pick their daily way, ere they | can reach the dismal chamber where they pare their filbert nails and jnurture their moustache: if these sufferings were known, the just | wrath of the nation would surely be aroused, and its clerks would be | provided with more suitable apartments than those where they have too ong had the misery to lodge. Lord John’s Impromptu. Sent to Uncie Sam in reply to the demand for the Emily St. Pierre. My first word’s my last, You’d Miss Emry fast, And you might have looked after her better ; But now she’s eloped, Or as you would say, “sloped,” Pray, Sam, don’t you wish you may get her ? Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, U; Woburn teh dot at their Office in Lom Lenten Rseeasen Mag ti ea” in the Parish of St. Pancras,in the County of Middlesex, and Frederic’ Street, ia the Precinct of Whitefriars, City of London, and Published kk Mallett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of a by them at No. 85, Fleet Street ,in the Parish of St. Bride, City of

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sics or ‘erable isband ardent does, n one hought ts, and — June 7, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OUR NOBLE SELVES! Aut the world we invite to behold a grand sight Of not only goods, chattels, and treasures, But of law that’s a because mended or made By men who bring forward good measures. nt ul iil| (alt LASS / /; AN \\ W NWA N \\ ‘. ah? a) 2 io 4 od Slangham, if you come down upon me so sharp at drill, I lu, raise your Rent /” PrivaTE and Landlord, to his Serczant and Tenant, (aside). ‘‘ Zook here, Mr. blowed if I don’t Let them come then, and see what a people are we, Steady-going, not headlong and skittish. What a world this of ours would be, O foreign Powers, If all nations behaved like the British ! See what liberal fellows we are, nowise jealous Of our neighbours in business advancing ; We deem it a blessing when they are progressing ! Contented, and merrily dancing. f our customers flourish our commerce they nourish, Which is good for a nation of traders, Who keep up the forces that tax their resources, But to guard the old shop from invaders. This is Liberty Hall; no restriction at all On the freedom of speaking and writing ; The result is that, say any fool what he may, Foolish language occasions no fighting. ’Tis the easiest job to disperse any mob ; Without pam ben much as pumped on By a fire-engine hose, off the multitude goes, Mind, Order reigns bloodless at Brompton. a A IR ms \\ la Read, French friend, or German, a practical sermon, Which your welfare will tend to increase, man, Our Constables here behold how we revere ; The respect that we pay a Policeman. We esteem the police for pares the peace, And for fence against plundering varlet ; And in just the same view as our heroes in blue, We value our heroes in scarlet. We hang, fight, and kill in despite of our will, On compulsion by quite the same reasons ; War on us from without comes like deluge, or drought, Or the blight and the plague of bad seasons. Come, learn how to live, and the wrongs we ’ll forgive That have loaded this peaceable nation With a mountain of debt: do be quiet and let Us, and you, all reduce our taxation. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. May 26. Monday. The Lords read the Budget Bill a Second time. But this was only the torrent’s smoothness ere it dash below, Lorp Derpy having, in some extraordinary way, become so horrified and astonished at the condition of our Finances, that he felt it a duty to Mr. DisraxExi and others to expound his Lordship’s views and terrors. That exposition was fixed for the following Friday. It is extremely gratifying that a British nobleman should display so much conscien- tiousness, and it speaks well for his single-minded nature that he would not be deterred from doing his duty, by the consideration that the Ministry is thought to be just now assailable elsewhere. He is quite right, not to let chivalry over-ride conscience. We are sure that Mr. Disrazxi and others will agree with us. Great numbers of petitions are presented to both Houses in favour of a law which shall enable the = ga in a parish to decide whether and what the minority shall Drink. That is to say, such part of the minority as do not keep well-stocked cellars. The sale of intoxicating at public houses, is what the virtuous petitioners desire to pre- vent. The Marquis or Puncu sees no objection to such a law. Mis butlers have every kind of wine, from Tokay to Beaujolais, in his vast vaults, and he cannot understand why the lower orders want to go to public-houses. They had much better drink water. However, if they old a different opinion, they may as well look after these petitioners, Who are in earnest, and whose allies have been by no means powerless in Scotland. By the way, most of such petitioners are Dissenters, and are therefore consistent in carrying their Church Rate views into’the avern, Why not have an Act of Uniformity and Abstinence in one —it would save printing ? Good, kindly Rosert Stanzy has departed. He might have lived for some years yet, to attempt many humane things, but for an accident arising from the negligence of some one who ought to have floored a ag of the International Building, and did not. A seat for Shrews- fury 1s vacant, and the electors may find a showier representative, but not choose a more gentle-hearted gentleman. Let it be remembered, , in these days when ignorant savages are slaying our Small Birds, that a quarter of a century back, Mr. Stanzy condemned such bar- barous folly. The new writ was moved to-night. The Lorp Apvocate withdrew the Scottish Education Bill. Some- body once asked an old woman, who had been expressing fervent admi- ration of a sermon by Dr. Caatmers, whether she understood him. “Wad I hae had the presumption ?” was the humble-minded old per- son’s remonstrant reply. All Mr. Punch’s virtues are rey py but if one is more blazing than another it is his humility, and he is inclined to put himself in the place of the old ‘Scottish lady in reference to the Lorp Apvocats’s' conduct. ‘The only light he has been able to obtain is from a clever article in the North British Daily Mail, which saith :— “The Lord Advocate must doubtless have sounded the depths. It may have been that he had a dread of the Upper House. The aristocratic tendencies of that punctilious body might have led them to view with distrust a measure interfering, to any extent, with the influence of the landocracy of Scotland, while their latent feeling for the Kirk might have been fanned into a flame by the apparent endea- vour to sap the foundations of the present Presbyterial supervision.” You may make what you like out of that, but it leaves with Mr, Punch the idea (he having ‘given and intending to give not the slightest attention to the subject) that the Bill must have had some good in it. Anyhow—/uit / Highways on land and on sea occupied the Commons for the rest of the evening—to their credii be it said, they worked in Committee till nearly two o’clock, thus labouring to deserve the Derby holiday. Tuesday. The Church had an innings. Lorp Esury proposes to do away with that provision in the Act of Uniformity (we do not mean that one which Little Bethel is trying to get, but that by which Cuartes TRE SECOND thinned the Church), which requires that a clergyman, on being put into a benefice, shall signify that he approves of the contents of the Prayer Book. As usual with weak men, he exaggerated his case largely, and laid himself open to the remonstrance of the BisHor OF Lonpoy, and to the fiery castigation of the Bisxor or Oxrorp, wlio really went at him like a good one. If anybody is scandalised at this familiar way of talking about a Bishop, which would of course be highly objectionable among ordinary circumstances (no, Mx. Cox, not “wnder” ordinary circumstances, for circumstances are t VOL, XLII. AA

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224 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. en [June 7, 1862, around you, and how can you be under them ?), let those persons know that the Bishop himself selected curious illustrations, said that he did not find university men “tail off,” on account of the Act of Uniformity, and likened Lorp EsurRy’s imaginary array of excluded clergy to the supernumeraries who represent an army on the stage of a country theatre. Lorp Russesi eame to Lorp Exsury’s help against the hierarchs, and so did Lonp SaarresBury, who, as Bishop-maker, seemed to think that 4is Bishops had no right to show fight without his leave. But the Bill was got rid of, and it appears to be the understanding amongst. the heads of the Church that you are to give your assent to the Prayer Book not as you would sign am you are going to swear to, but in a general way, and like a man of the world. Bisnor Puncu may have his own ideas on that subject, but he reserves them for his next Charge. nk: Siz Hven Carns, who was Loxp Dersy’s eloquent Solicitor, moved an address for a Commission to inquire into the working of the Patent Laws. There are about 14,000 patents, and great numbers of them are said to have been obtai by way of traps to catch the unwary, or extinguish rivals, and great numbers more are said to be worthless, trivial, and im the way. Lorp REY seconded the motion, and Six Wr11am ATHERTON thought a case had been made out for inquiry. Mr, Punch will be happy to.attend before the Com- missioners and explain his Patent for dehghting and instructing the world, a patent which no pirate has ever been able to violate successfully, though the attempt has been made.a good ag apes oni Then Mr. BerKxexey played a trick with his celebrated conjuring box, and cleverly sold the House. He was going to make one of his usual speeches upon the Ballot, when he med to look at his audience. The mass of the Members had gone away, and he was clearly in a majority. He shut his mouth, snatched a division, and actually got leave, by 83 to 50 to bring in his Bill, another Bill for taking | votes by Ballot at municipal elections also being carried. The trick was very neatly performed, and drew good-humoured applause from | Lonp Patmerstoy. Berke.ey’s wisest course would now be not to roceed with the Bill, but to trumpet his victory until next session. mart, and American, but in keeping. — y ; ‘ i Mr. Wuattey is growing a nuisance with his Anti-Catholic | speeches. Dear old Mz. Spoower was all very well—he gave us one d Maynooth day, and there~-was end till next year. But HALLEY buzzes about Maynooth | over it is bad taste. Mr. Baron gave him a good flip to-night, but if | he does not stop, we shall have to spin him, and if that won’t do, to | scrunch him. We have a good many ees toa good many things | which the Catholics say and do, but we don’t nag like an ill-conditioned / woman. Mr. Wuaatiey will be good enough to accept this inti- mation. The House sat a short time on the Bill about Educating Pauper Children, and then addressed itself to Scotch Salmon. O my brethren, what a good thing is a h salmon! O the firmness, and O my beloved brethren, that eurdiness! Bless the House of Commons if, — to human expectation, it is doing any good in the matter of that fish. Wednesday. Fishagain, but this time it was Irish fish. Lozp Fexmox emitted the excellent dictum, that the best thing you can teach an | Irishman is that Heaven helps those who help themselves. We always help ourselves to fish when we ean. A Bill intended te improve the Irish piscatory interest was read a Se: Time. CotonEL. Wurre won at Kidderminster. Mx. Huppieston with- drew, having discovered that the Government candidate was to win; but another Conservative gentleman, Mr. Tansor, thouglit that the trade of Kidderminster—not the meee trade— ought to be encouraged, so he good-naturedly fought the battle, and was defeated, of course, but by a very small majority, for the electors like im their turn to encourage candidates with money. One of these days Kidderminster will be hung up is terrorem, as Gloucester was, and indeed so Mr. TaLsot must hae thought, if he dropped the following exquisite epigram on the ustings.:— * “THE KIDDERMINSTER KITE. “ Destined are Kidderminster’s carpets To be nailed down upon the floor; Destined is Kidderminster’s borough To be nailed up against the door.” Thursday. “OQ most covemglighed CrristoraEr,” what is Herat to you? Are _ satisfied now? Lorp Panmerston tells you that there 1s nothing the matter out there, though certainly the: ruler of Herat had been to Foolah. pose you went there also, do you think Darsy, do attend Sup you should find yourself at. home? Seriously, to Devizes, and let Persia alone. Do you apprehend us, Garerira? Loxp Patmerston “thought” it was not usual to sit on the Derby Wednesday. (Laughter.) It is very usual to sit on that day while one is at lunch, as Lorp Pataerston shall see if he will come up to Mr. Punch’s drag, opposite the Grand Stand, and try his Moselle. There was a long discussion on the Irish Poor Relief Bill, in the | eourse of which it was suggested that if a deserted and unknown child e an enraged blue-fly, and is | | always bobbing in the faces of the Catholics. This is wrong, and more- | were found, it should be brought up in the religion of the policeman who might discover it. The course might be about as rational as certain other courses which are adopted in such cases. Friday. Lory Dery is a sportsman, and probably a fisherman, At all events he knows that when we are going to fish for gudgeons, we previously rake the bottom, and throw ground bait about. There was going to be a great party-battle in the Commons, and Mr. Disraziy would like to catch all the votes he can. Se om the Third Reading of the Budget Bill to-night a debate upon our Finances was got up, and Lorp Deagsy expressed the terror and_horror which he. was kind enough to feel about about our condition. He dwelt upen the necessity of economy, went as mear as was decorous to implying promises that if a Conservative Government should come in, there should be eon. siderable reduetions in the national expenditure. The ultra-liberal gudgeons began to cluster round the bait next day. The debate was a spirited one, Mm. Guapstowe was severely pitched into by his enemies, and not very warmly defended by his friends, and before these lines are read by ereation generally, it will know something of the result. of Lorp Densy’s baiting. ; Lozp Patmenston, by way of foiling the plans of his amiable oppo. nents, a notice of an amendment to the motion which was to bring on the fray. Ma. Svawsrenp, the Radical member for Halifax, is to make a Retrenchment motion, and Lorn Patmeaston, the Conserva. tive Member for Tiverton, is to move, as amendment, that the House is of opinion that the nation must be proteeted, but that it is pleased with pastanmd hopeful of future reductions. In effec', the Ministry moves a vote of confidenee in itself. Mr. Rogswex had a grievance. One Jonzs has called himself HERBERT? without a Royal Licence to do so—these licences are expensive huxugies. the Lorp CHAMBERLALY won’t let him be pre- sented, the Horse-Guards won’t call him Herssrr when he comes out jas a militia man, and Str Grorce Grey won’t call him Justicz Hersert. Tean’em says that Jones is wronged, and this important question is te be brought before Parliament. A debate om the Purehase and Sale of Army Commissions followed, on a motiomef gallant old Str De Lacy Evans, who, Mr. Punch is sorry to say, was almest inaudible, and Sra G. Lewis had to re-state the case forthe veteram. Lorp Stawney spoke very strongly against the system—will Lon» Sran.ey’s father alter it, if he comes in? Lorn PaLwerstos, who has taken to quote a good deal of Latin lately, said In dubiis siste, which Mr. Cox applauded, thinking Pam meant that the purchase arrangements were a dubious system, a that he was opposed to them. But Mr. Cox’s applause was premature, as his Lordship went the other way. Se did the House, having been frightened by being told that it would take Seven Millions.of money to re-arrange the Army, and the division gave 247 to 62 in favour of non-interference, But Lorp Sranuey prophesied that “in a quarter of a century nota rag of the purchase system would remain in the British Army.” On the last day of May 1887, we shall take the liberty of recalling the words to his Lordship’s recollection, in the mean time we hope he will enjoy himself, and will begin at the Derby on Wednesday, when, if he does not mind meeting Pam, he also may come to our carriage and liquor. An Irish question brought up Mr. Scuniy, and of course “the Honourable Member had scarcely uttered.a sentence when the House was Counted Out.” An Out-of-the-Way Journey. We read that the AncupUKE Maxmnian is. eoming over to the Exhibition. It is very strange—we didn’t know that Kensington was on the road to Mexico? Perhaps, however, his object is. to buy his crown and sceptre and coronation jewels. We hope that MessRs. Hunt anp Roske.t, Bmmanvg., Garragp axp Co., will pay this future Kingling every possible attention. They should advertise m- stantly for an authentic copy of the “crown of the Montezumas,” 30 that they may be ready faithtally to copy it (if needed), as a pattern. Extraordinary Gallantry of French Husbands. A Frewcn manager has hit upon a beautiful expedient for filling his theatre ; which was rT not patronised at all. He has advertised that ladies shall he admitted at half price, the children at quarter price, and babies for nothing! The consequence is, that the wives force their husbands to take them. All the cafés and estaminets in the town are quite deserted. A VERY EASY ONE TO GUESS. Way are the Germans like quinine and gentian ? Beeause they are, Two-tonics. Intexwatronal Lipenatiry.—We take it for granted that wher the Emrzror comes over to the Exhibition, the Commissioners make him pay for his admission ? an Ae” a an es oe ee i ce ee Satine Amaia Ge Gta ate 2 ak

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aly, said that » oppos sordship ened by ge the ference. "y nota 7. On e words Hl enjoy he does Jone 7, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 225 BEST JAPAN BLACKING! ‘Being impressions de voyage from the journal of Taxé-No-Ovicui-Sxrmop-Zuké-No-K amt, Japanese Exvoy Eatraordinary and Minister Plenipotentiary). abode, as guests of the British barbarians at the Yamun of Claridge, where the Bar- barian Government pays our i give us every faci- lity lor studying the institu- tions of this strange country. In obedience to instructions, we daily record our impres- sions of these Western bar- barians of Great Britain, who differ in many respects from their near neighbours the French, but whom, on the whole, we prefer to their brethren across ‘the chan- mel’ as the narrow sea which separates the two countries of England and France is called. a - Tes mack appear to a less hopeful subjects for the influences of Pastern civi- lisation than the British, who are at once humbler in their natures and more imita- tive in their habits, ? _ French seem tc think Paris the centre of the Universe, and are quite satisfied with their country and themselves. Th English, on the contrary, appear to take pleasure in nothing so much.as in grumbling at their climate, their institutions, their manners, their food and usages. Three-fourths of their j indeed, are with such complaints. Surely a people so quick-sighted to what ng, is worth teaching, and will repay such missionary efforts as we have opened the way e draughtsman to the Embassy, by my or 1 of record, whether for future {reference at home or for confirmation would hardly be believed, on the'strength of description alone, however positive ro o-E Thus the extraordi liness'of these Western races would not, I am sure, be credited in Japan, though I and all the other members of the Mission were to exhaust our language—rich as it is in epithets of disgust and deformity—in describing the hideous faces, the absurd dresses, and the preposterous manners which we see on every side. “The colour or complexion of the people, of all classes, from the great Tycoon PatarersTon down to the lowest coolies who minister to our wants, is a hideous red and white, which our painter has carefully imitated in the portraits he has made wherever we Bey order to satisfy the Japanese Government and people that this colour is not only natural but universal. No such thing is here to be seen as the rich olive green, which is the complexion of manly uty, as dead white, with a tinge of yellow, like the hue of the leechee as it approaches to maturity, is that of female loveliness. The teeth, even of the Tycoon, the Daimios and the rich, are invariably white. The nation is, of course, ignorant of the use of and has no equivalent for that exquisite enricher of the breath, and invaluable C the gums. At Greenwich, however, Matsaparra Iwarme insisted that he observed betel in common use among the aged criminals of the sea-service who are shut up in that place of punishment. I cannot verify this. But, if it be true, it is only of Lis = with other con- tradictions of usage and good-sense — here. To give crimi betel would not be more ridiculous than to cut off their hair, while those at liberty go about with their heads unshaved. Yet this is certainly the practice of these English | ms. “But the red and white cheeks, the white teeth, and long hair, covering the whole a, are not the only sources of that u which impresses us so painfully. The dress of the males, which envelopes the whole person, is made tight to the figure, and always of thick winter cloth, though the heat on some days renders even our silk dresses rears. Their boots envelope the whole foot, and often part of the leg. The easy and graceful slipper is never worn abroad. Not even Daimios of the first rank carry swords, the military Dainios ot gag but even they, strange to say, are only allowed one weapon. On the unshaved head a black stiff hat is worn, resembling asection from the chimney of one of those steam- engines which the English use for so many of which alone they may be said to manifest an bance to intelligence. At the pe J of the Great International Exhibition (which is a Royal bazaar or place of sale for all sorts of merchandise, taken as plunder from all quarters of the earth, and which is kept by the agents of the Mikado Victoria), we had an excellent opportunity of seein not only the Tycoon of this country, Lorp Patmerston, and his Ministers, but the cousin o the Mikado, or spiritual sovereign, Victorta, (for they have copied our division of the duties m the honours of sovereignty) who is the head Daimio of the military order, and man other Daimios, civil, military and religious. Some wore dresses of red, some of blue, wit gold lace, such as would only be tolerated on stage-players in Japan. But I must add, that they seemed, for the most part, conscious of their humiliating appearance. Some of the Daimios of the Law, (which, with the usual perversion of reason here prevalent, is honoured in this country,) carried on their heads strange fabrics of white hair, resembling the grass ad-coverings worn by our peasants and coolies in the rainy season. . The women are even uglier than the men; their complexions more white and red, their and in the construction and employment The | ders, makes drawings of all that happens h Ww |eruelly treated. They are not allowed to chew betel, or to dye their teeth, or pluck out their | eyebrows ; their are cut close; their robes, | which they are forced to wear, cover the whole | are distended to an enormous size hoops of steel, in which these unhappy | victims move about very much as malefactors ‘do among us, under the punishment of the eanje jor perforated cask. We have been unable to ascertain whether the women are ever let out of their cages, but, from all the observation we have been able to make, we fear that they are condemned to this torture night and day. At least we have found them thus loaded at all the houses to which we are invited, and where the festivities continue long after midui i is one of the many absurdities of this | their principal meal after sunset, and, later still passembling in great crowds in very small and Hopendtaluioe al tila, thengh koed atl : ng 9 , | drink in abandanee ave always to be had in an | eee ae Neither are pipes smoked. mor is offered, on arrival or departure, as a: Still the h thes eopuliive i appears a us ive in snd vidivulous tadleess on: the ee )of ‘Great Britain seem gentle, tractable, and eae bem. From the curiosity with which ‘they follow us about, it is evident that our per- Nourehansiete gushia- tap dooogee tapes our dress have inmpres- im = of a of the ——- have y appeared in newspapers an are exposed for sale in the shops, and we may. therefore, hope that though nature has star the race with the ineradicable seal of ugliness, they will not be long in adopting our graceful manner of dressing the body, and arranging the air. “Their machinery is certainly worthy of in- spection. It is at present entirely employed in the construction of war-ships, cannon, and other | implements of destruction. We have been often at Woolwich, and have informed ourselves as to the manufacture of Armstrong-guns, shells, rifles, and other weapons of war. | “The manufacture of cotton, to which the | barbarians were formerly devoted, is suspended |for the present, in order to allow the whole means of the Tycoon to be applied to warlike preparations. 1 cannot ascertain with certaint against whom these preparations are directed. 1 apprehend, however, (though there is a natural reluctance ‘among the Daimios to furnish me with information on political matters,) that these preparations of the Government are being made against the ‘ Vo-lun-teers,’ a large force of armed insurgents, who are now gathering themselves in troops, under military discipline, | all over the country, like the Taepings in China. | We frequently see armed bodies of these insur- gents im the neighbourhood of London, and hear j the firmg which attends the attempts of the soldiers to disperse and put them down.” Picking Holes in One's Own Solvency. WE notice that there is a plan for puncturing cheques, like the postage stamps, so as to prevent | frauds owing to the two lines that are usuall | run across the face of the document being erased. The plan might be well adapted for promissory notes, &c., as it might ensure (obviously observes Ossorne) their being paid punctureally !! ! CHE SARA, SARA, Tue best excuse for Miss Sarrey Topp is in an allegation by a writer in the Posf, that she was formerly a La er, Sa as probably she thought that a carriage-horse had no more feeling teeth whiter, their hair longer. ‘Their dresses are also, if possible, more frightful. They are than. a clothes-horse.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 7, 1862, LORD DUNDREARY’S DERBY PROPHECY. | of eyes. ~ All in the downs—though—how can that be? ships can’t be WELL now, I don’t know how to begin with my Prophecy, and I almost wish that Mr. Punch hadn’t asked me to do it for him, I mean that I don’t wish I had asked him to let me. For I never made a prophecy before, you know, except after it had happened, the event I mean, and that isn’t exactly a prophecy, which means the foretelling of events that never happen. I t that Cummine might have done it, only you see that reverend doesn’t attend races, and so he could not be supposed to be up in the horses, for you can’t ‘have races without horses, you know, except races of ginger, and it would be ridiculous to prophesy about ginger, you must see that, quite ridiculous, and you might burn your mouth like the man in the South eating the road to Norwich—no, he couldn’t eat a road, could he ?—that’s not right. Stop, doesn’t SHaKsPEARE—great creature, SHAKSPEARE—say something about seeming in running to devour the way? Couldn’t de- vour whey, you know, curds you might, though ; but you can’t prophesy about curds, except so far as saying ben are very. oe What was [ saying P—O, yes, ginger and curds and prophecies. ell, only one horse can win, that is quite and he must be the winner, unless he comes in after another; then he’ll be second, or more than that —second-hand in fact—a second-hand horse. You wouldn’t like that, would you? Stop, though, all horses must be second hand, unless you w them yourselves. Grow them—is that right—do horses grow? f course they do, some are taller than others, and so some of them must be shorter, it’s ridiculous to say horses don’t grow, like trees. Certainly they do, and blow like trees will anybody tell me a horse don’t blow ? I dare say that Miss Topp blew—at least her horse —she only blew up, when Lorp Knox was had up before Essex—stop, that’s not right. Essex is a county and calves, this was a coach- man, he hadn’t calves, footmen have calves though, which they stick— at least they stick ’em out behind. But Epsom is not in Essex, quite the reverse, Epsom is in the Downs, where the British fleet was moored when black-eyed Susan came on board. I like black eyes, you know, not such as you get fighting, of course, but a lady’s black eyes, though very few ladies have black eyes, 1’ve remarked that, and a fellab that would strike a lady deserves to be hanged—but I don’t mean that sort —> es _—_— Smaart? fs ~ me a _ a ee a —_ _" f Ux ee-~ aga ‘ ee | hin ~ te, Se a is oa Hooray! Mossoo gors To THE DerBy, AND IN HIS Favourite Costume or “ British SporTman!” moored on dry land, but you’ll say Epsom isn’t always dry. Anyhow a ship can’t sail there, ridiculous. Epsom Salts are not the salt sea, you must see that. But about the horses, where’s the list? List, as Hamlet says to the Ghost, because a ghost on the stage walks in list slippers, very proper. Ace of Clubs—that’s a queer name for a horse—horses don’t go to clubs—asses do though, I believe. He ’s to prepare the way for a Whitewall crack. What’s the good of preparing for a crack in a | white wall, better stop it up, eh ?—stop, yes, quite proper, then when the crack comes you won’t jump. ell, he won’t win, unless he’s thrown down on the table, and you can’t throw a horse on a table, — you can a pony. Next is a long word. Argo—dessay it’s a mistake for cargo, these papers are so ignorant—stop, Argonaut. Nought means nothing and that’s his chances. To be sure, Weis rides him, if he don’t ride something else, and wells are deep, you know. Wetts? Ah! When he’s in the saddle he’s Sadler’s Wells, eh? 1’ll send that to Punch. Stop, I can’t do that, use I am at Epsom and Sadler’s Wells is at Islington, ridiculous. . here’s Brighton, I don’t mean the place, Park Lane super mare, you know, but the horse. I think he has Yeo all he knows, has Brighton, and it’s very pleasant to go down and dine at the Bedford, and the asparagus is monstrous good—not monstrous asparagus, I don’t like that, it should be small and green like an amethyst—no, amethysts are not green, my aunt wears one, and she isn’t green neither, quite the reverse. I suppose I mean an emerald, but emeralds are not like asparagus, you must see that. Cat—cat—yes, Caterer, that’s the comparative of. cat, caterer or more cat, very good name, easily said, sounds like flatterer, but I shan’t flat- ter this cat—this comparative cat—a horse a comparative cat, com- | parisons are odious, so are cats to some people, not me, I like them, | when they don’t scratch. I don’t think Caterer will scratch—horses | don’t scratch, you know—I think he won’t be scratched, but I don’t | think he ’ll be the first to scratch against the winning post. Clarissa Colt, she must be a daughter of Mr. Cott who revolved pistols in his mind. What would be the good of that? and what use is a pistol at a | race, unless it’s a predestinarian race, and you want to startle the men? at least not startle ’em, or they wouldn’t run well, of course; but Clarissa—what a pretty name, rhymes to HarLowe—no, it don’t neither, what made me think of that? Well, she won’t win—stop, it | isn’t a she, but a colt. But they are all colts, it’s quite ridiculous calling one by a she-Christian name, it’s bigamy. No, it isn’t quite that, | but she won't win, whether her father fires a pistol or not. Cellarius, that’s a good name, there used to be a polka called the Mazurka polka ; —what’s that got to do with it? Now what put polking in my head? | We don’t come to Epsom to polk, do we? WhenI was at school I | learned a Latin word—I don’t mean only one, heaps, millions, but one which I think was ce//arius and meant very fast, and if this is a very (Dedicated io M. AssOLANT.)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jone 7, 1862. yg Io a» => hr SAS La 7 5 % Lea 5S THE “SENSATION” STRUGGLE IN AMERICA. | i, eee noah Moor. ip “alll | H WY, V2 the PP Y MAW XZ 7 / L 1 I one | ery | Se ee ee SESS eB re see ya eS se

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4 eee PS oe Sa PS BESS SES EREE a PSPS ELSSS ES Cas 53.52]

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= 7, 1862.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 229 fast horse the name is good, which comes of having a gentleman’s education. Everybody should know Latin, then we should all be gen- tlemen. Stop, I don’t want that, though, who’d clean the boots? Boots must be cleaned, you know, but the Latins didn’t wear boots, which accounts for it. The Latin horse won’t win. Now here’sa one. I should like to sneeze before I try it, for I shall never be able to sneeze in the middle of that horse, like a Centaur. But it’s no H use, I Seth, Coainess, T’ve read of him, and how he envied | Am cacenes a 7 mble in ogee Stop > it a A Yes, was King of Rom *s quite Ti it was ridiculous to en a humble cottage, he taight as well oe envied a humble-bee. This I him agai been doing something at h horse—I can’t i —he has Bath, rhaps getting fe bool whe to make him run lighter, and he} Fightens some of them—I am tened, a nobleman ought never to be frightened; noblesse oblige, yo not that all the nobility is obliging, quite the reverse ; my uncle isn’t, for he won’t let me come into Seip aitis thea” alates peak cas, tol onetly esid. | hogy n about. ‘sa name, and easily said. Spite will win, though my Mamma used to say that it defeated itself 1 don’t know how a horse can that, but that’s my Mamma’s i eh? Now we come to The Marguis.. What nonsense say- , and not saying of where-—not Marquisof Ware, Idon’t mean that, but of some and Ware would do as well as any where. But aps a horse wouldn’t like to be a Marquis, I mean a Marquis mightn’t to be a horse, and have his name in the mouths of all the lo legs have mouths ?—I su so—I have heard of gout in the gums, and that accounts for it. Well, as the Marquis is a noble- man, that is a noble horse, he may have the Blue Ribbon, which is the order of the Garter, you know, and it is always given to the winner of the Derby,‘and Lorp Densy is a Knight of the Garter, though he never won, but the moral is the same. But a Duke’s higher than a Marquis, though not hi am or else he couldn’t go inside it, you must see that, and here is Rollo, Some say WELLS may ride him, oe ba see cee ag together—unless he puts a leg on each and stands upright, and I don’t think the Jockey Club would stand that. Anyhow a is more entitled to a blue ribbon than an anonymous is, you must agree to that. Now then Zefland, he’s a free- mason, at least Lorp Zettanp is, so Zetland must be a free and accepted ngrne, Gomi) you see? Fancyahorse a mason—wouldn’t mind e being fired, eh? That’s monstrous good. Now for another. Lozp Giascow’s c. What’s Lonp Guascow’s¢e? He isu’t a bishop, ishe? Ridiculous, bi don’t keep racers. Dam—I don’t mean that, know, but a mamma, a mother in fact, a tas it were. by Orlando out of Brown Bess, also another by Barbatus out of Brown Bess, Then that must be the uncle of the other. Come, I do a if I don’t-understand anything else, which I do. Then an unele:and a nephew areto run against one another. That's more nepotism. 3 is of one. That’s a good father, but what the horse wants is a ese ner Why don’t Guascow name his horses? I he’s a baptist. As for Warminster, if it isn’t a mistake for i where the Abbey is, you know, and Parliament, only Parliament’s all at Epsom to-day— Warminster ’s winning kind of — rt don’t win with your name, except you are a lord, want to be married, and as for Mesign, why, ‘ou, my cousin Brru’s.an ensign, and he can’t run a bit. To be hat’s right, because a British soldier—Bri1’s an officer, but the is the same—I say a British moral officer ought not torum. And 5 . § an me. Fancy Mr. Guapstone ing for the Derby, quite inconsistent I should say, and he had better be taking off taxes than squandering his time down here, drinking champagne, which is sure to disagree with him, and make him fractious, a baby when on your finger, though I dare say Mr. Giap- suid commen tar th Mastin Migeer becieg exetehed, Martone 1 aeco r i sera’ unus is the same as Neptune, who was the god of the inferior regions, and if 80, he must be am inferior horse, and not likely to win, though he struck the earth, and carried off Poxscupine to be queen down there. Stop, > It could:not have been Prospero, j " that, but then to be sure it was a revival, which is different. Also I think it was Prato, at least I know somebody reasoned well, and therefore he may win after all, for there go eggs to the roasting of reasons. you can’t roast reasons, may bake raisins—so' wrong there. Malak was the name of Peg sj ay omer paeey oe that. did not ran, so will if he does not run he can’t conduct an opera, which Mn. Costa can, nobody better, and here is S¢. Alexis, Putting _ [ suppose that’s in compliment to Mx. Guapstonz, who has no business here at all, 4e hasn’t, and indeed Sausém, wey hes quis ampagh, unde te el his coals” Seon, thongh, oO seals. Stop, t . he seals i t ask Dr. Scuater the next hey call em that because Fellows Et ! BREE ise: 5 4: a") F = : : Fl _|8° there on Sunday. Well, that’s about all, and I should like to sneeze. Eh? But I haven’t prophesied after all. Well, that’s ridi- culous enough. Prophesy, let’s see, I’m to foretell what is to come, that is, what is to come to the post, and come first. Well, noblesse oblige, don’t you see? It wouldn’t be the thing for me—living under his roof, don’t you see, at least you don’t see his roof, and I don’t live under it, except when I’m acting, but the moral is the same. I mean that it wouldn’t do, you see. Eh? O, why, you must see that I could only prophesy one way—it would be such a bad compliment to Our erican Cousin—at least he isn’t an American, nor my Cousin, but he rforms that part, which accounts for it. I couldn’t mention anybody ut Buckstone. I want to sneeze. PUNCH COUNSELLETH KING COLE TOUCHING THE INTERNATIONAL EXHIBITION. Oxp Kuve Cotz, you’re a potent d] potent ‘Teo — Fowxe's dup in —_ the Bline, from th thang and free. But now that from Boilers to Dish-covers you stretch royal sway, Attend, oh Kine Coxz, to some, or the whol tangs Soe = the Nine, from the Boilers far of ti to say ! — The Nave to clear from its trophies queer, its teleseopes, and trash— Leaving Pot and Kettle the question to settle, who —= i the original i— Was arent d a work you eouldn’t shirk, though pity might wring your soul, For the trophy-erectors whose guondam protectors, not they, should be hauled o’er the Cole. But rememb’ring, ch King, who begged them to bring their furs, toys, stuffed beasts and banners— Poor oil and Italian warehousemen! Poor togemalers, furriers,, and tanners !— How Farrzarrn bored them, and Ditxke implored them, how my Lords and Barve said ditto How they passed the designs, and set out the lines. these temples of taste must fit to, By the light of facts seeing whose were the acts, that this rubbish set Say, in reson tain, whe the exst should. heen of eleuing the subblile The sons of trade who have-here displayed their furs, soap, pickles, and Or the Lords of taste, who would have them placed where they have come to If Trophy must turn to Catas-Trophe, whose task is *t the Nave to rid, The Commission who bade the Trade to build, or the Trade who built as bid ? Next, oh Kine Coxs, in the matter of Toll—not the bells that: jingle But the toll agen printers, purveyors, and all, o’er whose changes the public wrangl e, . Those who, here, take sticks and umbrellas, or, there, keep the doors in a. certain The'toll that makes flimsy catalogues, stale weak coffee and tea, The toll on this, and the toll on the i . fee — : Exchequer running; though Mr. Guapstone runs Mi Punch would suggest ’twould be obviously for these too keen money-make As matters stand, with the aeres on hand, teget rid of their penny-wise- acres. Remind them, please, that this grabbing at fees, from tradespeople and contractors, Is‘what Punch has lashed play-house managers. for, and other vwalgar exacto Who not Has with a. fair per cent. from their shows'in an honest way, Try each dodge and do from their subs to screw, witat at last Jou Bunt must pay. So, if printers, purveyors, and all that tribe, must tiptheCommission afee, Why, printers, purveyors, and all that tribe, will gnaw it from you and me. Then, aaa os new milk, drop a hint to Disks (not telling him whence you stole it), And instil the a that, spite of VesPastan, of some coin one may 923 More Plague than Prophet. Suverat thousand /ireshave been given away at Naples as prizes for the races. Our Racing Prophets, though —, can scarcely be called rizes, are the only ones t are the races in England, far as that goes, we will back them against Naples, or a quack doctor, or a tombstone, or a cheap tailor’s: mettre a even a York newspaper, for being the greatest liars im

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (June 7, 1862, N Sy iil! 1 li The great difficulty in Photography is to get the Sitter to assume a Pleasing Expression of Counte- nance— Jones, however, thinks that, in this instance, he has been extremely successful. LORD PALMERSTON’S COACHMAN. (From the New York Herald.) Jerr Davis. (now uncommon near being hung) is not the only so-called statesman who has had his secrets betrayed when he least expected it. We were the first, and indeed the only journal to publish the revelations of his hman, an intelligent nigger enough, and worth a com, as a literary man, of such bungling writers as Massa Greetzy. We gave the information afforded by the nigger, who, as he sat on his box, heard Davis confide his treasons to his wife, and little dreaming that such revelations would very soon instruct our enlightened citizens as to the character of his infamous criminality. Now we have caught another Coachman. Not a nigger this time, but an Irishman. He has just arrived in our free and glorious country, and hastens to repay the hospitality which has raised him from being a serf under the hoof of aristocracy to the attitude of a man, by divulgmg what is likely to interest us in reference to one of his late masters. His name is Puetm O’SHanneERry, and he was for some months the Coachman to Eart Patmerston, while that Minister’s own old driver was ill. It was Puetm’s task to drive Eart Patmerston to the House of Lords, where he initiates those financial measures which are dragging Joux Buii—not without his roaring like Jonn Catr—into an abyss of bankruptcy and ruin. But that’s Jonn’s business, only don’t let him, after insulting us in every way, apply to us for a loan to help him. Perhaps, if he can make out a good title to Ireland, and we don’t happen to take it without asking his leave, we may do a little business with him in the way of purchase, but there will be time to talk of that when we have seen how we like Canada. It will take us a year to scrape aristocratic notions out of the Canadians. Puetm O’SHANNERY, as we have said, used to drive his Earl and Marchioness down to the House of Lords, for Lapy Patmerstoy, like other Englishwomen, is devoid of that retiring taste which makes our matrons eschew all scenes of political strife. However, poor woman, she is no worse than others, and if she chose to sit in the ventilator of the House of Lords, where our polite cousins place females, and thence to listen to the diffuse budget speeches of old Pam, we may pity but cannot her. On the way to the House (St. Stephen’s Chapel Pam used to pour into the ear of his wife all his intentions, politi intrigues, hatreds, plots, and Macchiavellisms. His Coachman states, that on the box he could distinctly hear every word. He says that Lorp Patmerston always expresses the utmost hatred for this country and her citizens, that he never alludes to us, even in a woman’s presence without an oath against “ those Yankees,” and that he has often told the Marcutonzss Patmerston that if he could only hear LEGAL PROFIT AND LOSS. One attorney has been struck off the rolls this week. That is all very well, but then on the other side 10] attornies have also been admitted. That is a clear balance against the ublic of One Hundred Attornies! This is rightful to contemplate, though it is some com- fort to know that there is one attorney the less in the world. The gain is but small (it is like destroying a single rat), but then small gains are sometimes the sweetest. By the bye, we have been Log pal told for a long time that the profits of the Law had been so fearfully cut down that it was no longer worth any one’s while to - | follow it as a profession. The pickings must still be plentifally large, when we find so many hundreds ravenously eager to rush to the plun- der. In the meantime, we look upon the above fact of reducing the number of lawyers, though it is only by an unit, as the best bit of legal reform that we have had for a long time. We suppose that striking him off the rolls was in- .. | tended as a punishment, though it would puzzle =| the wisest man to tell us wherein lies the severity of that punishment inflicted on a lawyer which consists in making an honest man of him ? A Consuming Shame. Tue Southerners have been burning all their tobacco, not to smoke it, but to destroy it. We suppose they would find some justification for this under Burns’ Justice? However, it is the old story—the Torch of War always did its best = s firebrand to prevent men enjoying their Pipe of Peace. that New York had been swallowed up by an earthquake, he should die happy. He used to boast to her of the sums which he had made “ grumbling Guappy” (Mr. Guapstoneg) take to Lorp SHAFTESBURY to be sent over to the fiendish abolitionists here, and he expressed to |her the most indecent joy at a family affliction which has recently | visited the White House. When Mr. Sewarn’s magnificent and un- equalled despatch on the 7ren¢ question arrived, Pam burst into tears, and cried all the way down to St. Stephen’s, continually exclaiming to |his wife that he had nobody who could write like that, nobody who could write like that! On his wife’s trying to console him by suggesting that he could write much better (we smile at the womanly falsehood in consideration of its object), he groaned still louder, and then com- manded her to drop the subject. But it is not often that he is in low spirits, and whenever the lying journals of the South have reported a reverse to our arms, he has dwelt on it gloatingly in his ride to the Lords, and has vociferated his hope that hundreds of the infernal Yankees have been blown to Old Scratch. Lapy P. is not entirely without womanly feelings, and urged that they were to be _— as fellow creatures, upon which he threatened to strike her, and utterly denied that they were anything of the kind, but incarnate fiends. He may think so again when our brave fellows sack Broadlands ex route for filthy London. Such are among the revelations of the honest O’SHanneEry, but we have not told a quarter of them, and we shall have another batch of such sensation matter, hot and hot, for our purchasers of to-morrow. No English journal would have the wit to collect, or the courage to publish such things, but indeed it is almost unworthy this mighty nation to compare its majestic and omnipotent organs with the coarse and timid rags called newspapers in rotten Old England. It is likening the torpid, foul, sullen brook called Thames, which stagnates in slimy course along the greasy warves of Belgravia, poisoning and stupifying, to the glorious outburst of the giant Niagara rushing in might an majesty, and scattering millions of sparkling diamonds from the pure crystal of its matchless waters. The Coachman will be on view, and for interrogation, at our office, ‘corner of Fulton and Nassau Streets, daily from Ten to Four, ona 1 neon of 25 cents per visitor. We fixed the amount at 25 cents, ecause we happen to know that the “ Little Villain” of the Zimes |and Massa GREELEY, negrophile, have not twenty-three between thet in both their unrighteous breeches’ pockets, and we have no imme | desire to have our man pumped a the benefit of the wretched 1! ‘edited by these shining lights of jobbery and treason. But Ms Gree ey will hang himself, like a gentleman, we will let in the Li | Villain” for nothing.

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June 7, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 281 ‘FOREIGNERS AND CRICKET. E think when the attendance at The Domes begins to fail (and there are limits to the attractiveness of even a ixe re Tro hy and a ilt gingerbr py- at yy the oe. sioners would do wisely to use their best endeavours in getting up a score or so of international ames of cricket. We fea sur the, = publie, e refuse to spend thew shillings to see ti noble building where the finer arts of ad- vertising so well been di ‘ would freely fi their crowns into Sin: WentwortH Ditxe’s Exchequer for admittance to a cricket match yaeel, say, by Tarks and Chinamen or Dutch and Japanese. A grassplot might be hired of the Royal Horticulturists in the gardens which adjoin the Exhibition shed, and this would doubtless be sufficient as a ground for foreign cricketers, who are not such hard hitters as Wint1am Carryn or Georce Parr. We should immensely like to see whether a Frenchman would look funky when bowled at by a Swede, and what sort of a waddle a MynuEER | Van Duncx would make of it when exhorted by the bystanders, in Dutch, to “run it out!” Of course the Japanese and other petticoated people would make use of their long clothes, when they took the place of Long-Stop, and it would not much surprise us to see a fat old Turk, who feared to hurt his hands, take his turban off, and use it as a cup to catch a ball in. t sort of an idea the Portuguese have of the game may im some degree be guessed by the following account of it, which has been trans- lated from a Lisbon " are Englishmen in Portugal as everywhere else, and wherever there are Englishmen of course there will be cricket. Clubs have been established at Lisbon and Oporto, and it was on the occasion of a match between these clubs that a sporting Lisbon journalist thus cleverly explained the nature of the game, for the instruction and perhaps amusement of his countrymen :-— *“ Cricket Matcu.—To-morrow there is to come off an interesting game o Cricket Match between the Cricket Clubs of Lisbon and Oporto. The object of the formation of these societies is the ing of the game of Cricket Match, an active, , driving, jumping game, which only can be played by a person having a pair of 1 and in a climate where warmed ch is found insufficient to eep up the heat. Does the reader wish to know how to play at Cricket Match sungems one placed at a great distance from one another. The player close to one of the posts throws a large ball towards the other party, who awaits the ball to send it far with a small stick with which he is armed. The other players Siab Re clis eapaasetp Beagen aoe eetingen ieee Tt i 0 is then, that it isto the advantage of the: that strikes the ball to make it jump very far. Sometimes it into a ket,.and the players take hours fore theycan hold of it ; and all this time the player does not cease running from Post to post : Then those who the ball arrive, exhausted, at the field of battle, been running falls down halfdead. At other times, the projectile, sent with. a-vigorous arm, cannot be stopped, and breaks the legs of the party who awaits it. * Ree apr for the Cricket Match include a sumptuous dinner in the quee for fifty p s, an indisp bl iment to every Cricket Match. We may, perhaps, assist at this great battle, and hope the committee will place us at a safe ce from the combatants, where the principles of the game can be seen with the help of an opera-glass.” How accurately the Po ese are acquainted with our habits, and a true conception they have of our cold climate, if they fancy that warmed puneh is insufficient to keep up a right degree of vital heat, and that we are forced still more to heat our blood by the “active, Tunning, driving, jumping game of Cricket Match!” How true it is, moreover, that sometimes when the ball is made to “jump very far,” the players take some hours before they can get hold of it, and all this while the man who hit the ball with his “small stick” keeps on running between the wickets—we mean to say, the posts—until the scouts “arrive exhausted at the field of battle,” and he himself “ falls down ! !” Such incidents as these are, we-know, continually occurring; now at “ Lord’s” (by the way the sporting foreigners who chance to see this name no doubt imagine we play “Cricket Match” in our House of Peers) ; and no wonder that we English are looked upon as lunatics eee nations of the world, while they have such true con- ceptions of the perils of our pastimes and the madness of our sports, c = = /\ o Reeth 2X ¢ du ey Wy ‘si at iy he seas vat to us, and who might f| Persons. who write that they “will. come “ BIRD-CAGE WALK.” Tue only real Bird-Cage Walk that we are acquainted with is, not. the one in St. James’s Park, where there is not a to seen, excepting the one perhaps that officiates as a lock-up inthe St. George’s Barracks; but Little, and Great St. Andrew Streets, in the Seven Dials, where, from the number of bird-cages that line nearly both sides d | of the streets, the Lover of Promenade Concerts can enjoy, and without the slightest charge, music of almost every clime. It isa edition of Little Warblers. The feathered songsters are y roulading and fiorituring. So intense is their rivalry that never sooningly enjoy five bars’ rest. The wonder is that they do not wear their little throats out. “A Harmonic Megtine Herp Here Every Dar” would not make a bad inscription for the vocal streets—and it is a ‘meeting, too, at which every one present is apparently only too happy to favour the company with a song, and without being even or in the least pressed todo so. The little Mantos.and Parris must happy, meer eats ho) Tn may for we notice that they always sing gai hangout. In this respect, Messiewrs les. - ae r Cente those unhappy birds, the os ‘ 0- Lats, Tiéxters, ef ie, not to miss. going to a only original “Bird-Cage Walk” in London, where they will be able to judge for themselves how very happy the natives of many distant and sunny countries can be, even though it is their melancholy and seedy lot to be caged for life in the very centre of this foggy, suicide-inspiring, wife-selling, spleen- ing metropolis, called Loston. The sight may do them good, and t perhaps sofarcarried away as to forget, for a moment, their brooding cares and jaundiced exxui by bursting into an involuntary song. They would then be cured in an instant, for it is a zoological fact that the Frenchman who sings is himself again. St. Andrew Street is only a vol d’oiseau from “ Leysester Sguair.” profitably a monitors. We strongly DO NOT CALL NAMES. Tue Hon. anp Rev. Baptist Nort has been making which he refuses to be comforted touching the state of re France. It is true that Frenchmen laugh, he says, at the priests, this does not indicate enlightenment, but rather a hatred of all religion. France is given over, he states, to a Pog wren Pantheism.” Mr. Noet is a good man, but we suspect that Exeter Hall does not quite understand all that it talks about. We know that every man who does not go to three services per Sunday is an Atheist, and that every man who is never heard to swear is a Deist, and that there is a pleasant name ready for any other man who does not please anybody else. What Mr. Noet and his friends call Pantheism may, in a great many cases be the habit of mind that is averse to to first causes ani , and specially on slight ones. wW D.Y.,” (or use English instead of the Latin initials) do not eomprehend the reluctance of other persons to venture on such familiarities, and would. probably call a man a Pantheist who should say that. all the works. of Nature deserve reverent admiration. Whether there be anything cal in such Pantheism or not, there is. certainly. none in Christian teacher who condemns a nation that has sa so far as to) laugh. at priesteraft. It is something to get. rid. of Mumbo-Jumbo—a, worthier culte may follow. using solemn names upon all occasions “PAY HERE” Every little article that enters the International Exhibitiow is made to pay toll. Of course there is a food tax that the refreshment con- |tractors will have to fork out, and we should not wonder if the Exhibitors will not be made to hand over a penurious per-centage on all the goods they sell. Twopence is dedueted from every — catalogue, and there is scarcely aportable article that enters, or is de’ at the doors, that is not charged something, even if it is only a miserable |penny. It is this spirit. of greedy avarice e the management of the Exhibition from the very outset, andi tended.so effectually to lower the high purport of its mission in the-estimation of | foreigners as well as Englishmen, that we think it is time to change the name of the Royal Commissioners. _ deference to their trading propensities, would it not: be more appropriate'to call them the “ Royalty ” Commissioners ? :... Fined Five Shillings. Wrairrne on the Norfolk deluge, a contemporary says :— * The damming proceeds veryjsluwly, and the impatience of those: whose property is submerged is very great.” Are not the two statements slightly contradictory?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE HONEYMOON. Wim (and who promised so faithfully to give it up, too!) “ Oh / my beloved” —(“ Now for a pretty speech,” thinks she)—“ Pipe! What a dreadful slow place the Sea-side would be, Duckey, if a Fellow hadn't his Birdseye to fall back upon!” And he begs to add, that he means to’go on telling the Truth, and A SHOWER OF COPPER. i the se von! a or _ Penny — will help him to roclaim it, he will applaud them to the very echo. Tue Punch-bow! Plea may appropriately be recalled by Mr. Punch. | : And when they wi oe he must tell it, and—he weepingly but firmly answer to a demand for compensation for a punch-bowl that had adds—he must tell the trath of ¢hem——* or any other Man! ” been lent and broken, a defendant pleaded three defences. First, that | Reo~ te —to0-~en-hde-~an~ hoot dan the bowl was broken when it was borrowed. mdly, that it was | y y y en whole when it was returned. Thirdly, that he never had it at all. Ane —— But instead of three contradictory leas being put in, just now, in the | case of Mr. Punch, he, to his no small amusement, finds three contia- et onal made against him. | Tuere’s Benson’s Bells and Warnenr’s Bells, and other Bells also, He happens to have excited the simultaneous wrath of Three Public} A-tolling lohg, a-tolling strong, a-tolling high and low, _ Instructors, who instruct the public for the small charge of one penny! How they distréss my tympanum, and jar my nerves auricular, per a, and do it very decently—at the price. | A-ringing thus, at all hours, for no reason in pee. ‘ The Morning Asterisk has discovered, and declares, that he is an| Unless indeed the reason be,.that as the High Commission Aristocratic Swell. _ .| Is taking toll of all things, from the Print to the Provision, Mistress Harris has discovered,’and declares, that he isa Low Radical} It is but right and reason, as this jingle-jangle tells, who has been lately bought by the Reform Club. And, That they should, among other tolls, take tolls from all the bells. that he has been, told that i world te the’ dosceues ‘hing to tuza| e n it wo e decorous thing to turn : ; . Dory, and that he has turned. according! Newly Discovered Passage in Shakspeare Perhaps it is not for Mr. Punch to ak to weld the triple allegations | Mrs. Page. “ The name of Pace and Forp differs.” — ; into a consistent charge, before meeting it. And yet, with all the chi- Punch. And trast me, Mistress Margaret, the thing differs slot i¢ courage and generosity of his nature, he will do so. As I shall be washed by water, I swear thin. would ill brook to For The Star is wrath with him because he has pointed out that Peace- | the Thames at Westminster ; yet, mistress, would as gladly cross by mo doctrines are un-English and irrational. The Standard is | Pace’s help as I would drink this cup of sack to thy jewels, I mean wrath with him because he has pointed out that the Tories may snatch | thine eyes. ; as a few little victories, or even a victory, but that the country has! Mrs. Page. Come, thou art an old humbug, but Pacr’s new bridge ls né confidence in the Tories, and that Mrs. Harris's advocacy does them | beautiful, and he hath well deserved not to be knighted. no great good. And the DailyeTelegraph is wrath with him, because he | has pearen out -— — —- in sor gushing ners for | TO A CORRESPONDENT. ? ut is well to hear the whole cause the 7%mes J i he wor i : --4| Quiz. Buy a Jonnson’s Dictionary. Punch adheres to the oe” ane Bll ro Pineal ee Sovemetanee, sano |“ assimulate,” but liberally presents you with the first three letters. Thus welded, the united complaint against Mr. Punch is, that he has | told the Truth | The Bells at the Great Exhibition. A Movixe Quzstion.—Why, in moving from a house,” ought you He begs to plead a Justification. | to leave the washhand basins behind? Because they are not ewers, | Pescinst of Bradbury, of No. Uv Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Bvans, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the PeNiiteiary Cy ef London, Printer at their Ofc im Lowber Street io the Precinct of Whitefriars, Gizy of London, and Published by them at No. 8, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, Oity of London.—Satuapar, June 7, 1862, ite es oe est ee |

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1, and im to firmly also, also. Ford 3s by neal ge is vord EE | Jone 14, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 233 —— Vi) el @ Wap FANCY PORTRAIT OF THE GENTLEMAN WHO KILLED THE GREATEST NUMBER OF SMALL BIRDS. [To be hung up in all Sparrow Clubs. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. June 2. Monday. In reply to a question by Lorp RavenswortH about Breakwaters, the gentle Duxe or Somerset replied in his usual mild and affable manner, that the Breakwater Committee seemed hardly to have known their own minds when they came to a conclusion, that the Admiralty had got enough upon their hands, and if they had not, it would be ridiculous to try experiments on so small a scale as the Com- mittee. had recommended. Private pert might try experiments, if ~ liked. It seems to Mr. Punch that the Duke himself would not make bad material for a breakwater, in which all that is wanted is rough, obstinate angularity. Mr. Punch mentioned last week that the Conservative Member for Tiverton, better known as Lorp Patmerston, had met the tactics of his antagonists by giving notice of an amends.ent to Mr. StansFELD’s economy resolution, which was to come on nexhday. The Tories then sought to tramp Pam’s card by another amendment. They wanted to age and discredit the Government, but by no means to force Pam toextremities. So they, pro hdc vice (no, dear Cox, not because he was thought a hack, or had any vice) deposed Mr. Disrazxi from the leadership of O gentile, and wanted Mr. Hen.ey to take the command. But he was unable to do so, and therefore they selected Mr, WaLro.e, who is what the Catholics mean when they put R.I. P. after the announcement of a demise, that is, Respected_in the Parish. There was a gathering of some hundred and eighty-six Derbyites in St. James’s quare, and they agreed to support Mr. Watpote. To-day he gave his notice of amendment, which was to the effect that the House hoped that Government would endeavour to reduce the expenditure, in a way which would not only equalise revenue and outlay, but would afford the means of reducing the Income-Tax. He did not name the odious tax, but alluded to impositions of a temporary and exceptional character, and we all know what that meant. was the ingenious plan which was to e the Government as uncomfortable as possible without bringing on a crisis. Lorp Paterson is very fond of whistling as he pee. though not “for want of thought,” and the policemen on duty in Piceadilly inform us that he whistled a new and choice selection of airs on his way home that night. The Four Conveyancing Reform Bills were read a Second Time. But Hylas in limine latrat, Six Hueu Carens gave notice of battle, and hinted that if Mr. Brawp, the whip, had not been very active that evening, the Government Bills should have been demolished there and then. The struggle will be to send the Bills to a Select Committee, or, failing that, to make mince-meat of them—in Parliamentary words to give the most careful discussion to every clause—in Committee of the whole House. Tuesday, Poe of the es The whips of Messrs. H. Griasuaw and AsHMALL had a good deal to do with getting Members to London; but neither were those of CotoneL Taytor and Mr. Branp idle, and the House was crowded. While Lorp Patmerston was on the preceding night whistling “Come, if you Dare,” a bright thought came | into his head. To-day, as soon as the decks were cleared for action, | the PREMIER rose, and with a mischievous glance at the Opposition ranks, calmly intimated that inasmuch as Mz. WatPoue’s amendment, if carried, would be equivalent to a vote of Want of Confidence in Government, the best thing would be to throw over other questions, and fight out the battle on the real point between parties. Then Lorp PALMERSTON sat down. “‘ When this was said, no Congreve rocket Discharged into tie Gallic trenches, E’er equalled the tremendous shock it Produced upon the Tory benches.” _ With a few adroit words, the Premrer had run, like the Merrimac, into his enemy—and the illustration holds water (as the Cumberland did), for he made a great rupture in the enemy’s side. Mr. DisraEut sat still, but if it be not profane to seek to dive into the recesses of his statesmanly heart, it may be supposed that his feelings were complex, that he was not unamused at the discomfiture manifested in the ingenu- ous face of Mr. WaLPote, or displeased at the blow delivered upon the rson whom the Conservatives had chosen for temporary commander, ut that he rose superior--to such considerations, and hoped that Mr. Watrorz would pick up the glove, and go in for a faction fight. His valiant hopes were blighted. Mr. Watrote had no orders to fight on Pam’s terms, and therefore instead of opening fire, he complained ear- nestly of the PkEemreR’s conduct in trying to force a vote of Want of ' Confidence, which Mr. WaLroLe would certainly not endeavour to get. Mr. Bricut did his best for the Conservatives, and strongly urged that this was not a party question, but a national.one. ‘Then Mr. STANSFELD — his speech, which was moderate eneugh.® He depre- cated our heavy outlay for war purposes in time of peace, but had no idea of changing the Government and handing over Italy to the “tender mercy” of Mr. Disragut. Lorp Patmekston answered with much decorum, suggested that his own amendment should be carried, and gave the invaluable promise, that if it were adopted, Government would feel thefnselves bound to look very narrowly into the Estimates for next year.! This promise deals sométhing rudely with the popular super- stition that ; S$ were => bound to such vigilance and always exercised it, but we live and learn. Then he renewed his de- fiance, and begged the other side to be manly. Mr. Dispazti was obliged to rise, and he made a speech in which it was evident that he had every desire to be manly, but that he knew his men would not follow him, so he ridiculed the “queerness” of Lorp PatMERSTON’s language, and declared that his friend Mr. WatpoLe resembled a Derby favourite who should bolt. Mr. Horsman bestowed some impartial abuse all round, and Mr. CoppEn, nations him on deserving his title of the Mirror of Discontent, supported Mr. SransreLp. But Pam*had made it all safe, and men of all sorts rushed together into the lobby with the Premier, eager to prevent a cata- strophe which would send them to the country. The division gave 367 for No Dissolution, and 65 for Mr. StansFetp and retrenchment. Some angry words followed. Mr. Wa pote withdrew his amendment, declaring that Lorp Dersy had not the least desire to oust Lorp Patmerston, Mr. Wuitesive scolding and showing that he for one would have gone in jovially for battle, Mr. OsBorne describing the whole business as “a solemn sham,” and saying that the favourite had not bolted, but had been “ got at ”—our friend B. O. is not always fasti- dious in his language—Mr. DisRakLI said that Mr. WALPOLE ought to have known enough of Parliament to be sure that his amendment would be met as it had been (a well-delivered slap at the 186 who had thought themselves so clever} and Srr W. Heatucore, Conservative, rebukin: Mr. Disrazxt for such censure, Lorp Pam’s amendment was agree to, the Government thereby carrying a vote of Confidence in itself, and the House rose at 1°15 in the morning of the Derby Day. Lorp Patmerston whistled considerably as he went home, chiefly emitting variations on “ Wait a little Longer.” Wednesday, Fourth of June. A Chapter of the Order of the Horse Garter was held at Epsom, when Caractacus was invested with the Blue Ribbon of the Turf. The Bisnor or Oxrorp was expected to attend as Chaplain to the Order, but his lordship had, in his own words, “ tailed off.” The customary oaths were therefore left to such of the public as were interestedin . he Marquis, 2 Buckstone, ‘ Neptunus, +f “or any other horse or man” in the lot of 33. The usual banquet VOL, XLII, BB

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234 __ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jone 14, 1862, took and from circumstances to which it is to refer, | only ry: some of them were iced, Mr. ‘Puncb has not the fastest ides as to any of the other proceedings of the day. Thursday. Festival of SS. Soda and Brandy. Some Lords met, but the transaction of any business being re ant to their feelings, they handed over the Works of Art Copyright Bill to a Select Committee, and rose for the —. The Commons were livelier; but Mr. Scutty attempted to revenge | his incessant Counts Out by trying one for himself. This was cruel, because he knew there were lots of fellows abou or sleeping, and what was the one room to another? In they came, of course, wishes in reference te ScuLLy’s a omens. once ae led on until one in m ; woke the Mem i Patmerston decl, ; e criminals, that it was difficult to deal with attacking Str: Rosert Pet for ney | pr _G. complaining of the Ecclesiastical Titles’ Act, and other Irish Members declaring with much iteration that the priests were not to blame for the incessant murders. When a thing jis. f times over, of course everybody is bound to believe it; but it would give a livelier colour to the case of these priests if they would one and all deliver from their altars the most elaborated curse which Rome can devise against murderers. Instead of that, the Roman Catholic bishops => pal mw that the clergy “are not at all blind to the sufferings which produce these offences;” and an Irish peasant, with a gu im his hand, and a hedge between him and the black-hearted vill gees Set bea, aay wes eoeetne Taet euphemism with desired exactitude. Then Mr. Rogsuck brought up the grievance of Jonzs, who chose to call himself Hexsert. Sim Georce Grey made some e ti but the question whether a man may change his name without ro and how long he must have been known by his new name re are bound to recognise it, was left in cloudiness. Mr. Punch’s opinion is, that any man who his name, except in conformity with the will of a generous testator, is a . If he makes himself a somebody in this world, his old name will become a distin- guished one, and if he remains a nobody, what im this world does it signify what he is called ? Civil Service votes, and the Museum vote were taken, and Mr. Watro.e announced that at present the Library Authorities would remain content with excluding the Boys. The course is scarcely im- partial, and will certainly not sthciive is io-ust the bape whe divest circulars out of Keuiy, or read the ks that can be got at Mr. | Mupte’s. Announce that all tickets will expire on New)Year’s Day | amd in the mean time prepare a revised list, O Mr. Awrowto Panizzt! And so, a little after one on the morning of the Oaks’ day, Members | ; | went home to bed, in order to be off next day to see J Joie astonish the wise men of the turf by beating the favourites, another outsider coming in second. Nobody has been ri ything like ht, this year, except Mr. Punch’s het, the Lorp Dunprzary, who announced with a distinctness which his [rivals would do well to imitate, that Caractacus might win if he could, and could and did win, and Mr. Punch is, as usual right again; in fact he is always right, and not any other man. PAM AND THE MATCH. (A Trooper's Ballad of the Great War of the Parliament.) Ou, of all the gallant captains that ever I did see, There’s none like gallant Capraty Pam, where’er the others be, He’ll laugh and chaff before the fight, and, the hurley-burley done, He ’ll laugh and chaff as gaily as before the fight begun. *T was in the dull year sixty-two, that we beleagured lay, By Ruverr’s horse in greater force than Carrain Pam’s array ; And, in our hold, lukewarm and cold we had traitors not a few, Ready to ope a postern gate and let the Ruperts through. . Biack Bey he was a captain that Rurzrt’s colours w But little cared which side he fought, or what the flag ie bese ; wily blade that never staid by honest pass and knew some woundy secret thrust to get beneath your ward. A ready tongue, a readier hand to strike a bargain rare Than to keep it, when from talking it came to doing fair ; And we knew that hand and tongue at work, a-tampering with our men ; Oh, for such mischief-making commend me to Buack Ben! We had sour ones, we had soft ones, some that doubted Caprarn ‘AM, Some pte spited, some he’d slighted, some that called him cheat and 8 ; Some that liked more prayers, and some more grub, and some less money | spent, Some that swore as how the men should know which way the money went. | We knew Brack Ben was at them, a poisoning their minds, And a-spiriting up mutiny and mischief of all kinds, And it wasn’t much surprise soon the spark came to a flame,— Young StansFexp ’twas, from Halifax, that as their spokesman came, With malcontents and mutineers, that by him swore to stand, Sour and surly English, a grim om ing band. There was roarmg Wurre and crowing Cox, and mp-cheese WILL1AMs too, And Presbyterian Baxrzn blew trumpet for the crew. With broadswords bare and matchlocks gs, came on the rebel pack, But Caprany Paw, for all their threats, he mever turned his back. “ Be-swinged or swinge, nor cant nor eringe will I for mutineers, Stand by your Captaim who so will: he owns no faint-heart fears!” When sudden came a flying scout, with face all white and scared, “ Look to yourse tain, see your defence prepared ; Here’s RuPERT’s upon us: the outer works they win: Hard odds, I doubt, *gainst foes without, and mutiny within!” Then the light flash’d high in the Captain’s eye. “Stand fast my rear- Ben. rank men ; fox, BLack when ’s near his post, Herein I see the enginry of that old But if they think Old Pam’s a-wink s Both foes without and foes within, they count without their host. “Front rank! right face! quick march!” a-pace up to the wall he strode, Where, “ in force, bold Rurzrt’s horse with Captain WALProLe rode: They had pomed the outer barbican, the advanced works they had won, Without the swinging of a sword, or firing of a gun. Before their host up to our post Buacx Ben he rode alone— “ Now yield the nor look for grace: how ’tis inside is known. Of Rurznt’s stalwart cavaliers ill may’st thou bear the brunt, With the mutineer to gall thy rear, while we assail in front.” A scornful laugh laughed Cartary Pam—“ Who talks of mutineers ? What hears Biack Ben from Rurerr’s men, if e’er he opes his ears ’ But muttered wrath, and muffled scorn, and mutinous debate How best to rid their ranks of one, detected but too late. “T parley not with such as thou—but, Caprarn Watpoce, hear— know yow for a gentleman! Ware, ere you ride too near. _ Thought you to catch the old weasel — upon his watch? 7 The platform that you stand upon is mined: I hold the match! j “You’re strong, you say, and I am weak ; but weak an’ if I be I hold your dissolution between my three. | : Advance a gun—though ’twere but one—the match is to the tram, And your host is blown in fragments that ’twere hard to knit again! Be warned: retire, or else I ’Il fire!” An How from man to mana paleness ran, an oh! ’twas rare to mark Ben’s swart face grew dark ; “ Now charge for Rupert !—charge!” he cried, but none strack spur in ; And deaf the ears they turned on him, and cold the looks and blank. . Then answered Captain WALPOLE, a rer man, “ Or weak or strong, you do us wrong, we’ll not storm, if we can ; We would but ask a parley, and exhort you lend your ears, To friendly counsel; such may come, from foes or mutineers. “ Pat up your match, a spark might catch—lo you, where we retire ! Troop! t about!” Vain Brack Bewn’s shout, “Stand, cowards! Stand and fire!” : They never looked behind them . . . the fiend the hindmost catch! The ground was cleared . . . and loud we cheered, as old Pam blew out the match ! Health and Music. Way spend your money in paying for a Turkish Bath, when you can go to Exeter Hall and get into a copious perspiration, and be squ to a degree equal to any grr, ee for the small sum of from half-a- guinea to thirty shillings, and hear an oratorio into the bargain ? Resectep Mezpican Apvice (sy a Scorcmman).—“ Try” your native air.”

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Junz 14, 1862.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. French, whose Government have been obliged to put a FARMERS KILLING THEIR FRIENDS. stop to it in order to stay He vise of insects which it 2 has preg pon upon ny He surely be ashamed of ow glad we should be if an | himself taken a lesson in folly from foreigners, article in the Journal of Hor- | who, as he wall ee wear wooden shoes, and are accus- ticulture on the Utility of | tomed to eat frogs. clodhoppers labour under a sad small Birds were printed miteke? in supposing that small birds live chiefly upon fruit on a card he circulation | and grain, thus consuming large quantities of human food. amongst clowns and The grub whieh eat most of is not good for man; country bum ampkin that are|it is a maggot, a noxious one, which devours an able to r It —— amount of ge maar their little ae. emg a ore eg The b raspberries, and cherries them to know better t which won KS» Cietigey by them, are few in number to set a a heads 4-7, iO y= mages |b compared to en ake bushels of els of ‘caterpillars which abound in » and poison lings, d other small birds, ha pretty wart “quire, arr. and other s irds, have iste os into Australia ~ this country an, consuming a troublesome we pen - line. |§ Sarre ate nowy to Deal Raw, met only eat weed whic ey romp ee oe Wares ai were at to check, is the thistle, of which nuisance abo +t? What is death to tne Antipode, wher nationality, had sown some seeds at i birds can do no good | (22 pny consequently, it is is omnes on partridges leserv to and pheasants. what he had 9 aa y food, and to eat no tthe Is there no Conservative | farmer is as great an. tas who ti foaulianaie ee pits hes to | rows, and d finches, and warblers that snap Seen ta blight ; are the — insects, the cockchafer grub, the slugs sos snails, the tive are poner | us pursued - 7 wireworm, the green caterpillar, and the daddy-longlegs. glay of allowing himself dirt na punaune through the seahaiciinn ates THE CAPITAL OF TURIN. ry by the Bexsamin who is| A Lerrer from Paris, describing a banquet given b trying to involve his party |the Viceroy or Ecyrt 4s the Marance. OF THE andj in that Bensamin’s mess? | gays :— “ The cope shed plate Mey ag eng oy this eeeuton wep something wonderful. e tureen in which was they come to learn the fact | their Majesties is said to be worth £16,000". that Lie a and eg 5 are ee doing immense mischief in many places, an especially in the neighbourhood of Liverpool, all because the fools who cultivate From which we may infer that the afore-Sarp PasHa the soil have had nearly all the little birds killed that —, have kept them | possesses not only an ample supply of the circulating under. And what will the British Farmer think of himself when he finds that | medium, but also a fabulous amount of Souptureenian this practice of destroying small birds is one which has been imitated from the | wealth. ; , whereb h of the soldiers’ leisure ti ht be usefull, SINGING FOR SOLDIERS. Seoumed whereby much of the soldiers’ leisure time might be usefully __A coop deal has been said about the evil state of Aldershott, and the| Held in Exeter Hall, these Concerts were by no means the least nice m towns. The vices rampant are | of the May Meetings which have this year been assembled. At the assigned to the want of fit amusement to fill up leisure last which Punch received an invitation to attend, free admission was i our soldiers, when in ison, have much more than | accorded to a couple ¢ thousand soldiers now garrisoned in London ; . We know who it is finds ief still for idle hands to do; /| and this gift, to Punch’s thinking, was by no means the least pleasant cam, "We soldiers are, when idle, not more proof against temptation of the charitable donations which have this May been announced. than are other mortal men. What is the remedy? What whole-| Without dis pel of orators who plead for fands to furnish tracts some recreation can be devised for the amusement of our soldiers’ | to niggers who can’t read, Pusch must own a sneaking preference to iioure time? Reading rooms, says one; athletic games, another ; | listen to the voices that ® discourse eloquent music” to the soldiers at music and part-singing is the answer of a third. Well, all these hints | these Concerts; and at the risk of the displeasure of all Truly Pious are good, and the two fae tiet have been acted on in so many cases and people, Punch will own he thinks encouragement of Music in the Army with such success, that quite as laudable an object for the bumps of the benevolent as the ee But in teaching so supply ing straps and braces to nude natives of Natal, or pro done, and as the practice be one Ragh a wholesome, healthy exer- polish for the black king of Japan. Punch most y will give it what encouragement he can. cted, learn to ie kh es Proper er, RIB ihr their so doing would soon become . leasure to ong Tau A NICE WORD FOR BRIBERY. to k ‘ena is a pleasant wa, g it; and when men have; Tue subjoined advertisement which has be wg in a morning studied harmony, there is surely F - chance of their giving vent to | paper, is really worthy of the ‘ * Man in the discord. Nothing lightens labour so well as a song. It makes a long ry ahr, and woul hrf be rable fo tus when 0 [IBERAL TANS ile IVE ting Ave march, Singing MENDELSSOHN’S ‘part-songs and si v li under 40, of education, and some music would be a Anny ¢ stime for our soldiers when at laonee, than oo dong soon —, oops Post Office, Kem Park, 8 cs Sally to come up, or squalling other hoger Liberal Thanks may be said to mean literally free ; but in the 77 74 Poh bene Penner Lt. shave, piseainamens probably signify fee gratis. At future a ¥ at least would a a a help to them. rhaps va hae have witnesses swearing oe | the: ved |. eiararaiats Panel weal fin direct the notice of his | ube thanks in the rm oat thse Ural thanice will ‘be offared te. fifty million readers to the fact that now am the thonssad and one Alley, and its kel ano coneerts which are almost daily ventised, Soldiers Gancerte. axe. at Liberal rogues on behalf of the Conservative bees Concerts “tmp age To Pie akin th meer state,” une acco’ im so to do, that | - yy. oe _ 5 der to Gunde tape if Frencuman’s Grocrapuy.— Londres est la capitale de P Angle- choral music in and to 20 cuaeinas the practice | terre, e¢ Leyssesture Squar est la capitale de Londres.” —MonsieuR on the march, and the ae hee f choral classes in| ASSOMMANT.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 14, 1862. vy ‘ N NY ANN \ NN \ . ‘ \\ \'\) A FACT. Swell, “Boy! Wuo’s Cas’s THIs?” Boy. “Wat opps 1s THAT TO you? Do rou ’sposz My Gov'n’R GIVES ME BoaRD WAGES TO TELL WHO BELONGS TO Us?!” LETTER FROM MR. PUNCH’S SON, DESCRIBING THE LATE SCENE AT DR. BIRCH’S SCHOOL, AND ASKING HIS FATHER’S FORGIVENESS FOR THE YOUTH’S SHARE IN THE MATTER. “My pear Papa ; “J Hope that you are quite well I hope that you will not be angry with me because it was not my fault and I am‘ very sorry for what I have done but the Doctor has been so kind as to forgive me and I hope that you will do the same but you will say what is it my boy well I will tell you in a few words because 1 do not like to think of my fault well you must know Master B. Dizzy who is cock of our walk had been telling us so much about how he had chaffed the masters in other halves an cocky by it would be a very fine thing to do, but when we came to the time Master D said that we must go the whole hog if you please to excuse the words and that we might look-out for expulsions which was not what we meant and I am not a bad boy my dear papa and I would not grieve you by that but we had said so much that. we felt it would be sneaking not to do something so we said’ we would make a speech to the Doctor and tell him that too much pocket money was stopped to y for broken windows and for fines for buying wder and ASTER WALPOLE who speaks very well and you should hear him recite CicERo’s Orationes Selecte well we chose him to speak and he said he would which made Master Dizzy very crabby because he thought he ought to have been chosen but we thought that he would say too much and be rude to the Doctor being a big boy and not liking the Doctor which we do So when we came into school on Tuesday the Doctor left his chair and before Master Watrote could speak the Doctor ordered us all to be silent and he said that he had received our letter for I forgot to tell you that we wrote down that we were going to complain and before anybod ~ pow we had better hear him He said that he was master of the school and master he meant to be so long as he filled that chair and he owed no account to us but only to our parents and that he did what he thought was right about money and that he was not going to have us catching cold by having broken t saying that the Doctor was too precious | half and wanted to be taken down a peg that we all thought | windows round the house and as for gunpowder he had found there was | | but one way of preventing that from being burned and what he said he | should stick to and if after saying that we kept to our plan of speaking | to him about it he should send us all home to our parents to ask them whether they thought he was right or wrong. Well my dear papa you | must know this made a good many boys cry and’ Master WALPOLE | said he had not meant anything a and that we all loved the | Doctor and only Master Dizzy and Master WuiresivE who is an | Irish boy and very quarrelsome said we were sneaks and I think | Master WALPOLE will have to fight Master Dizzy very soon only the | head usher Mr. Densy says he will have'no fights well my dear papa | | we all cried out that we did not mean to be rude and the Doctor | laughed in his good natured way and said he was very glad to hear it | and so he would say no more but gave us a holiday to go to Epsom Fair | and a jolly day we had but I must tell you that when he went out of | the room we all went out after him, three hundred and sixty-six of | us and hoorayed which pleased him very much and all is serene my | dear: papa but I could not be happy till I had-+told you I must now conclude so no more from ** Your affectionate son “To Mr. Punch, Esq. *“EPAMINONDAS PUNCH” The Wreath for Wrinkles. “Tr,” says our elegant contemporary, Le Follet, “ flowers are worn as ornaments for the dress, those in the hair should, of course, be of the same kind; for elderly ladies they can be intermixed with lace or feathers.” Very well. If elderly ladies must wear flowers in their | hair, and would choose appropriate flowers, they should decorate ;it | with elder-flowers. The lace with which those flowers are intermixed should be antique, and the only feathers to match are those of a goose. | Tue Heicut or Liseratity.—Proressor Houtowax takes a box | of Morison’s Pills, and believing that he has been cured by them, | sends a testimonial to the proprietors.

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Uy / Ws WY LA Yy =H \\ Me % sc Dis Ysiv- OS UEL Ea Oe VEZ ; - i) w. th di Wy y, ‘) XY) YN \\ BX ) XN ' — = With MM Ry DAK MM yi y YU fi ff fT | /' uy, / Yi Md eth I = PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jounye 14, 1862. BIRCH AND HIS YOUNG FRIENDS. SS —_ ie DR. Dr. Brrcn. “OH, YOUNG GENTLEMEN! I’VE HEARD YOU HAVE SOME COMPLAINTS TO MAKE.” Genera Cuorvs or Discontents. “’TWASN’T ME, SIR! ’TWASN’T ME, SIR!”

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\ 3] , ae ar ee eS Ce SS rE et it Dit ed ed tel __" bal bn taal Re

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Jons 14, 1862.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

—— ao A BITTER EDINBURGH BAILIE. T the Edinburgh Town Council, the other accor to the Scotsman, the Lorp vost of Scotland’s metropolis gaye a long account “s the Pans igmal that he had taken ston a the ope b : 0 Tederestional Brhibition ) altered, the Lonp Mayor or Dustin ousted from the place that tog ot been assigned him next the Loxp Mayor or Lon- pow, and himself, the Lorp Provost OF Eprxsurcs, put in his place, as the position of honour. Weare sincerely sorry to find that the meritorious and successful exertions of i Chief ion of cruel irony : “ Bartte Biackapper said that

at the aay a his ip’s appearance on the occa- ee ane appearance of a noble- therefore much. obliged to his : and for the pains he took toget erted himself with reference to the with < affairs of the city.” Oh, what a Barre Buacxapper thus to bite his Provost with fangs a serpent’s tooth—more venomous than that of a cobra or e! As a brother member of the Free Kirk, and fellow in the field—we must not say vineyard—of permissive Maine- law legislation, one would have this most ungracious and Bailie, in any remarks which he might have thought ft to calles cian hile vl a not on the side of yenom, but on of Tnnocent people, who es not see through Batre BLackaDDER’s and take it all for serious adulation, will say that the Bailie’s » thal the bearing of te lone Enovies, sud the sabe ho wots, him more the of a nobleman than anybody else, shows he never ve seen a exce ree stage. But of course Battin BuackaDpus, has never set his oot in a theatre; and yes Sa eae Bo ggg ey wore gave _ 4, we Jeph adnan, Wes Such tat, man, it would have conveyed rad Ee tien of nobility. It cannot be that Bame BuackappER is so little acquainted with the as to imagine that noblemen are accustomed to strut about in a robe like that worn at the opening of the International Exhibition by the Lorn Provost or Kpinsures.

A WHIMSICAL ERROR OF POPERY. strange i pm Renan. Ooiialics of 5 of prirome opinions appear to about a Pome Fl cag mentioned that ia the Pore held pli Mine Rela ‘Rosie of the proceeds to Commit nthe remark which con- an Ban bms — ** It was one of several consistories that will be held (the rest cmmiguae aay) Proeent argusing such mingled emotous of joy and hope, rae month, which is er ee Se ee nes me nt fear, in Catholic ae cai dh who believes in no saints whatever, be inspired either with rage or fear by the Porx in pretending to create new saints, and so, as the unbeliever conceives, trating a solemn humbug, or making a fool of himself? Perhaps the ¢ accounts all Protestants as The British Public, however, at any rate, views the canonisation Japanese martyrs humour. It that as ceremony, with a ki —— War ee aeee ee on

tected by French bayonets, re, aan Britons would certainly contemplate it with great rage, and perhaps with some fear ; Regey, is, they consider it merely an act of credulous assumption. theless, as they suppose, that in its the Pops is really fs in earnest, they contemplate him, therein Sg a certain degree of respect and on mingled with as they look at a a PLES, ope ude, Wor a § crook which he holds between the backs of his hands, ——

THE GEM OF THE aout Cums t the unfortunate Hp me Cousedianeng tite aa toe be ‘their tuck, Come, oe be off to the Geass sl oat when ela i eck; And really th to ere ’s plenty i he Kensngo Smart are the booths at Ant ven Seay (Site pe de First in fae Bast Mild “ W — sai Water rai ssplachine Majolicn Fountain that threatens a douche with its spray. Boom, on your left comes a summons like thunder, wee B ue-bells of othe waar and beg vad *ve got rid of the water and yaa: ro with us down the What is the elegant + that dp Your fanc Ts and , and on’t laugh at the ook with delight at that of Toys. Bonty in both ; if you cannot } it; you’re Well here sa rag t fenders, and fami 8 Now fori wethetio tot don't bes -_ Here’s somet better—the —but Think not that cml poodcyoy a bel, ae if one can’t get of the ° The anele’s a setae ste yd That i Wino a 8 “ee He like a < a al Is moved by Irene wonderful You don’t seem to ——! will try if Ma. Baveagee sipeindate saab art: WTHORN remar: in “The Shallow and Hard make best critics of art.” Now, don’t pull a face as if Bewrney on Phalaris ed you to lecture, in There isn’t in Europe a sight like these es, Wilied with a show that's work for & Seek” and soys ? at you were rational. Yes, you behold th Re-Iasun or Punce !

Art is Long. We should sa — that Art in many cases looking at the n’s Column and b veng Quards’ seem ; we axe never to ote GS xa a Wet

A HEREDITARY Preracs.—It descends, as the*French would say, “ de pair en fils.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —— [June 14, 1862, en, Oxp Mrs. JamBorouasH (who has come up with J. to see the Exhibition), “ Those nasty scrowging Umlibusses may be wery conwenient ; but Lauks/ they’re Ruination | to your Crinerlines, my dears. Mine’s all in knots with ’em.” A FRENCH PORTRAIT OF JOHN BULL. Tue English are a nation of shopkeepers, and their nationai business is carried on by PaLMERsTON AND Co,, GLADsTONE is the cashier of the concern. DERBY anp Co. constitute the Opposition firm. Their shopman is DisRazEtt; he mounts a platform and offers superior articles at reduced prices, like a cheap Jacques. The Houses of Lords and Commons employ themselves in making out bills. The Church calls itself an Establish. | ment, like a haberdasher’s shop, and the bishops and clergy everywhere recommend their cloth. Preferment is sold by a subterfuge which eludes the simony-laws, and promotion in the Army is a recognised commodity of sale, _ The British Courts of Law are almost wholly occupied in settling affairs of pounds, shillings, and pence, and the | Universities have adopted a system of Free Trade, of which the soul is competition. The English never go to war but with an eye to the main chance. They disregard glory because it does not pay, and they maintain sailors and | soldiers in relation to their neighbours, as among them- selves they keep police to protect the shop against the dan- gerous classes. Mr. Cospen is their commercial traveller, and he advises them to consult the safety of their goods by practising infinite complaisance to s their customers, and punctually executing all orders received from France. THE GAOL AND THE WORKHOUSE. THe Newcastle Daily Chronicle contains the report of a mendicity case, in which the defendant was an old man named MicnaEt Gannon. It thus concludes :— “«P. C. MacManemy said this morning at ten o’clock he was on | duty in the North Road, when he saw the prisoner solicit alms of a | respectable man, and he afterwards went to several houses and ad- dressed abusive language to the servant-girls. He has been frequently in Durham and Morpeth gaols.—ALp. Dopps. We shall send you to | the House of Correction for three months, and if you don’t cease from your practices you will have to be sent to the Workhouse,” The remark above ascribed to ALDERMAN Dopps inspires | | us with respect for him. We regard AtpERMAN Dopps as quite peculiarly entitled to be styled “the worthy Magis- trate.” He is worthy of a testimonial for a sally of satire | that was not to be expected of an Alderman. He sends a tramp to the House of Correction, and threatens him with the Workhouse. Thus, whilst he pronounces a satirical | sentence, he administers justice with mercy. JAPAN AT EPSOM. (From Taxé-No-Ovicut-Sxmop-Zuxé-No-Kami, fc. Sc., Japanese Envoy Extraordinary, to the Head Daimio of the Department for Correspondence touching the Barbarians. Nagasaki.) “ Truty these English Barbarians are a wonderful people. We have already seen the houses and feaste of their Daimios, their Parliament, or national talking-house, their great Exhibition, their Woolwich, their wax-works, their garden of wild animals, their coal-pits, and their manufactories, and we are indeed very weary, and long much for the time when we shall return to our beloved Japan. But we had not yet seen the strangest of all the strange sights here.—what may indeed be i (od day of the going forth of the people of London—the feast of Dar-bee. ** Dar-bee is the name of one of the Great Daimios, the chief of the oy opposed to the present Tycoon Par-mer-stoon. But how this east comes to be called not after the name of the reigning Tycoon, but of him who is now plotting to get his place and his power from him, we, your humble slaves, cannot explain. But it is the opinion of Martsa- DAIRA Iwarmé, a man of ty and learning, that the feast is in honour of an Ancestor of the living Daimio Dar-pex, who, according to the religion of the Barbarians being worshipped under the symbol of a horse, is reverenced with processions and races of horses,’such as we yesterday beheld. The living Daimio Dar-BEE much loves horses, and races of horses, as we are told by our attendant Macpona.p. “* All the Barbarians in their chief town of London are compelled to celebrate this festival, which is held at a ig called Ep-sum, seven /i distant-from the capital, situated among hills, and approached by many high s. Those who cannot buy or hire horses to carry or draw them thither, are compelled to Fo on foot, and all the inhabitants of London assemble on the hills of Ep-sum, overlooking a smooth space of green turf, which is an enclosure sacred to the great ancestor Dar- BEE, and is guarded by po lice-men in blue garments. Even the great Tycoon PAR-MER-STOON elf is compelled to take part in these rites and the Councils of the Nation are closed, that all the Daimios and Counsellors, and all their servants, may go with the Tycoon to the feast of the great ancestor DaR-BEE. ** We journeyed in two norimons, drawn each by four horses, wishing to show our respect for the religion of the Barbarians. For all the seven /i, the road was full of carriages and horses carrying them that journeyed to the feast. They recited loud prayers and sang odes to the ancestor, and played on musical instruments, like to the straight horns used by ‘alee of fried fish in Japan, as they moved along ia procession. For all the seven 4% these worshippers showed us much respect, lifting up the fore-finger to the nose, oan extending the other fingers outwards, which is their greeting of honour in public, and calling out ‘ Hul-loo, cri-kee /? meaning, ‘Oh, beautiful andjwonderful!’ They also expressed aloud their admiration of our persons and our garments. Our hats, which I and Matsaparra Iwarmé wore because of the sun, which shone this day—a circumstance not frequent in the country of | England—were much praised, and many (as interpreted to us by | Macponatp) asked at what place such hats could Be urchased (in | the Barbarian language ‘ Ooo-is-yoor-hatter ?’) I- bade Lien (Macpo- | NALD) tell these inquiring Barbarians the name of the merchant in the | Street of Hatters at Nagasaki, of whom we purchased our travelling | supply of hats,. and when I see the Daimio Rus-soot, I shall propose to him the opening of a. trade in these hats, which the Barbarians so much admire. This will give exceeding satisfaction to the Barbarians, spread our manufactures, and cause great gain to the hat-makers 0 Japan. Also, observing us to use our nose-papers, many asked us if we had sufficient thereof—the words being in their language, * How-are- yer-off-for-pa-per !’ the meaning of which words MacpoNnALD taught us, telling us to answer in the Barbarian tongue, ‘ You-bee-blode! which means, ‘ Thanks be unto you, O. people, we have sufficient for our needs.’ The Barbarian tongue, as your serenity will perceive, 18 brief, and a few words mean much. “On their way to this feast the crowd stopped at certain small temples by the way-side called ‘turn-pike,’ where invocations were uttered in a loud voice, and small pieces of coin given to the priests, doubtless in payment for prayers, or for propitiation of the great ances- tor Dar-sez. At other temples by the way-side meat and dr

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— Jons 14, 1862.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 241 offerings were made by the Barbarians. Also priests in ragged mourning garments, with dust upon their heads, and. bare-footed, ran by the way-side, with prayers inscribed on papers which they offered to people for money. Of these ag we have bought some for deposit {in the archives of the Barbarians. for us, we saw that all the Barbarians of London were indeed here poodle Ow 5 The crowd was as the crowd of flies about the honey-pots in the market of Nuku Haima, and the shouting as the roar of 7 waters, and the horses and the carriages more than could be counted. And we saw the Tycoon, Par-MER-sTOON, in common garments like other men, with many counsellors of the Mikado and Daimios, and all the Parliament of the nation, in an enclosed place, below where we sat, and of them hadjlittle books in their bands, and they stood in a ring, and wrote in their books, and uttered invocations in a_ loud voice sounding like ‘I—lay—five—to—one,’ ‘Six to nine—on—Buck-stone.’ *I—take—it—,’ which we believe to have been prayers or religious exclamations, but they were not clearly explained to us, as indeed one interpreter was not sufficient for the many strange sights we saw that day. © after awhile, all the people gathered in two rows, with an open green space between them, and a dog was let loose, and the people shouted as if devoting him to the evil powers, to which indeed we believe the unclean animal to have been offered as a sacrifice. Then came forth horses of ing height, but more thin than storks or the wind, more and more joining them, till at last, all di peared round the hill in front of us, and by the aid = Fe tne which make far-off things near, we saw them a mile and a half away. Then of a sudden we heard a and‘a loud shouting, and the crowd swayed to and fro, and we felt our heads go round by reason of the crying and the multitude, and in two moments after the bell, we heard a great roaring and a great sound of horses’ feet, and behold something rushed before us, nny cer Ay — ~ mam, Os —. or railway carriages, we knew not, and then the people poured into the ns which they had abstained from till now, and we were told. the feast ol -bee was over, and there arose a noise as of pistols, and our hearts turned to water, but Macponaxp told us to be of good courage, for it was the corks of the wholesome medicinal drink called by the Barbarians ‘sham-pain,’ of which we have often drunk, for it is good for the stomach in this country. Then all the multitude took food, and | the nieans of spreading it out before them from their carriages, and drink, and began eating and drinking much in honour of ‘ Dar-bee,’ for this is a part of the festival which must on no account be omitted. “We are told that many Daimios give many thousands of taels at this festival to the priests of Dar-bee, who tend and do honour to the sacred horses, who are kept for this curious festival, and that there are many Daimios who keep sacred horses for the feast, such as we had seen, tall and strong and exceeding thin, and men in bright garments to ride upon their backs. But all these things are a mystery to us, and our | heads still ache with all we saw and heard that day, though we took ' many bottles of the Barbarian medicine ‘sham-pain’ to cool us, and give strength to our bodies. 4 wy the Daimios and the people of all ranks down to the lowest coolies flock to the festival, unless it be that it is enjoined by religion we cannot tell. The way of seven /é is very sore to travel for heat an dust and crowd, and Martsaparra Iwarmé thinks it is a journey of penance, laid upon the Barbarians by their priests, and I agree that this is probable, though Macponap, when we asked, said it was sport,’ a word meaning ‘play’ or ‘pleasure.’ But how there can be ‘play’ or ‘ ey in angueing the Councils of the Nation, and the business of the capital, an Spe o> seven /i, through heat and dust and crowds, to see many tall and thin horses galloping madly for two moments like —— engines that have run away, and in paying many thousand taels to the priests of the horses, neither I nor Marsa- paika Iwarwé can understand. We believe there is some meaning in this, which the Tycoon does not wish us to fathom. Indeed there are many things just as difficult of comprehension, about which these jarbarians clearly wish to keep us in the dark. When we inquire, they give us reasons which would not satisfy children, much more men of statecraft and learning. e Of all their strange things, certainly, the feast of ‘Dar-bee’ is the most strange. What passed on our road home is little known to me. The medicine * sham-pain,’ among other qualities, causeth sleep to descend on the eyes, and I think I slept, for when I next yemeieiber, I was in my bed in the Yamun of ey my head ached exceedingly by i of the much thought I given to the strange things of this Harmony for Mexico. THE idea of the concert in which England, France, and Spain were take part in Mexico has been abandoned, and instead of that per- formance, France will oblige the Mexicans with a solo. ees partment for Correspondence with} “ When we came to the place where a seat of honour was prepared flamingoes, with men on s in bright ts, i and the people shouted, and the horses galloped up and Sern tbs THE CAT’S WALK. ID you ever, beloved reader of Punch, call a cat to you P Of course you have done so. . supposing Pr i away at the fire, and stretches a ya as hs farther from on than taking notice of you. Then, gather- ing herself together, com- , Shegivesan earnest gaze out of window, at the ’ —T on the housetop. . she comes, tortuously, ‘in your direction, now a circumbendibus round the leg of a chair, which she fondles, and now making an tour oss S purring, she approaches 5 finally : r ea comes to you on the other side from that to which you invited her. . But there Puss _is at last, and you appland her docility. : Rasegtals speaketh of certain Furred Law Cats, and speaketh well concerning them. It was thought that the race had died out, and lawyers have assured us, with some emphasis, that anybody who thinks unfavourably of the Law, theoretic or must be a dull fool, who takes up old conventional notions. they say so, it must be true. Yet, eoageeed pre us, we could not hel thinking of the Cat’s Walk when we read the able judgment in which a few days ago an admirable judge disposed of Joanna SoUTHCOTE. _ Joanna was an Exeter maidservant, who was born in 1750, and died in 1814, At the mature age of forty-two Joanna announced that she had a divine mission. Most people think that she had no grounds for that allegation. But so lately as 1851 four congregations in England pated to expect her return to earth. One Ann Essam recently left er property in trust for printing and publishing Joawna’s writings. ANN’s —_ referred to keep the property, and took the opinion of the Court o een on the —. Str Joun Romitty gave (as SaMvEL Rommiy’s son was sure to give) his most conscientious attention to the question. He was not ig in Joanna’s works, so he took time to study them. Replete with Law and Southcotism, he came down and delivered judgment. He said that Joanna was a fool, for “she had imagined that Providence had selected her as a special instrument to promote some good in the earth.” But there was nothing so immoral in her writings as to compel him to declare the gift invalid for that reason. Lu however, a bequest for printing works of a religious tendency was a “charitable” bequest. Had the will been properly made, the Court must have given effect to the intended Charity. But Awn’s lawyer probably knew more of Joanna Soutucote’s works than Six Wiittam Biackstone’s, and forgot the Statute of Mortmain. A devise of Land for such a purpose was void—so ANN Essam’s relations will have the real property, and there will be no extra diffusion of the doctrines of the unreal prophetess. ; Doubtless, the result is what was to be desired. But doth not Equity make her promenade a little in the fashion of the Cat’s Walk ? The Literature of the Hustings. Mr. Steen is very unfortunate in his elections. He is about to — his experience in a volume of “ Rejected Addresses.” It will ba book of an important size, and will have the assistance of numerous cuts. THE SONG OF THE STANDARD. “‘ I Carg for nobody no not I, For nobody cares forme.” Table-Turning Parliamentary. Tue performances of Mr. Home, the medium, in the | of table- turning, have been surpassed by Lorp Patmenrstoy. The noble Viscount, the Member for Tiverton, and Prime Minister, has completely turned the tables on the Opposition.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —, [June 14, 186 9 , f | | ft fi Wy SO \y ASK XS NY * — AX S - \y a. WY | ESS N \y WEA YAY aa : | Here ee SUH OUR MESS REGULATIONS. InniTaBLe Orricer. “ Why don’t you bring me the Potatoes, Sir? How often am I to ask for em?” Mrrrary Domestic. “ Well, yer Honour, I’ve been tould off to the biled Cabbage!” A NEW SONG FOR THE NAVY. Come, cheer up my lads! if to battle we steer We’re proof ’gainst all shot, not a foe need we fear : With armour well shielded, all danger we brave, For who are so safe as the sons of the wave ? Chorus. Tron hulls have our ships, true as steel are our men, With guns ever ready, We steam on so steady, We'll fight and we’ll conquer again and again. We’ve no masts now to lose, not a sail, not a spar, No splinter can fly, iron-cased as we are : Safe and snug on we steam, ne’er turn tail, never shrink, Unharmed, a whole fleet now with ease we could sink. Chorus, Tron hulls have our ships, &c. But four guns we mount, yet such big guns are they, The four shots they throw a whole broadside out-weigh : d when these we ’ve poured in, be the foe swimming then, We clap on full steam, and we give him the stem. Chorus. Tron hulls have our ships, &c. DIZZY’S CONSCIENCE. In the debate on Mr. Stansretp’s motion, Dizzy is reported to have said one good thing :— “* The gentleman who opened the debate to-night, and to whose resolution I will in a few minutes advert, really did not do me justice—not that I ever want anybody to do me justice. (Laughter.)” No; we should think not. Give everybody his deserts, and_an unscrupulous Ferner at least would not escape whipping. The leader of the Conservative Opposition in the House of Commons may be quite willing that some other people should be justly dealt with, but | he is far too good a judge to feel the slightest wish, and, indeed, not to | should be Mae | sorry to have justice done to ourselves if we had pro- | posed that t 'to at the very least a hundred thousand pairs of ears, will surely entertain the greatest objection, to have justice done to himself. We e Government of England should truckle to foreign tyranny. KING HANDEL AND KING PUNCH. Un.tke Rex Motus, Rex Puncnw never Gres himself to pufling— excepting when he has a good cigar between his lips. But Kine Punci must remind his music-loving subjects that-he will soon expect their resence at the Crystal Palace, there to pay their homage to his royal rother Hanpet. The majesty of HanpEL no one can dispute; m simple grandeur he is certainly the king of composers ;. and Krve Puncu therefore rejoices in the prospect of a festival whereat with fitting reverence his royal brother’s dignity will be properly. upheld. Besides the truthful affirmations that we live on raw beef-steaks, sell our wives in Smithfield, our foreign friends have long been please to say we English people have no taste for music, and that, empty as our heads may be, we have few of us a hollow place to hold a tune in. How far the Handel Festival will dissipate this notion, may be determined by collectors of statistics on the subject. But,surely some among the Herrs, the Signors, and Mossoos, who inthis Exhibition year attend the Monster Exhibition of Music down at, Sydenham, will find some reason to believe in the existence of some Britons who have somewhat of a liking for something like good music. .A festival em- ploying a couple of thousand voices, and giving pleasure, let us hope, some proof to the “intelligent foreigner,” that musicians like KING HanpEL, are reverenced among us, without lessening the homage that is yielded to Kine Puncu. Nore on tHe Dersy.—They who depended on “ prophets ” have experienced a loss. a P by bin Bape, of No. 13, Oe ee Printers, at Office } om ee Le Fh 14, 1862. - in the Parish of St. Pancras,in the County of Middlesex, and Frederi of No. Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No, %,Fleet Street ,im the Parish of St. Bride, City ick Mallett Evans, 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of il \ cna twos OP ete oF ere he oO oO oo oo CO Ce Sit em Dm we

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uffing— - Puxci ct their is royal mute ; d Kine at with eld, aks, and pleased , empty 1 a tune may be ly some hibition un, will ho have val em- is hope, urely be e KING we that ” have — recinct of e, City of Juxe 21, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. yp ) | NY. (EY SS wil) XHIBITION., yas fh SSS —s. Z J RAN HA, Ww J Wy N ' \\ ! ‘ 4 id haety Wat! | ft ANNAN heyy Bf 4} INNES RRC YT Z r ti, want to get a Month for Cru'lty to Animals /” EDWIN AND EMMETT. Citizen Epwin James has been delivering an address, which, but for the trifling objection that every statement in it is an impudently deliberate falsehood, would com- pletely clear that individual’s character from all the charges that induced him to transport himself. Among other poole, he likened himself to one Sometutne Somenopy MMETT, of whom we never heard, and who seems, like Epwin, to have been persecuted by the conventionalities. There was, however, another Emmerr, whose Christian name was Roper, and whose ultimate fortune it is far from impossible that Mr. Epwix James might have attained, had he practised in England before certain altera- tions in the laws affecting pecuniary transactions of a one-sided kind. The respectable lawyers in America ap’ to comprehend the character of the new citizen, but ome is a class which, according to the reports, do not seem to be able to make him out. We refer them to the admirable Dictionary of their compatriot, Noaa Wess for a es hae will apply—they will find it appended to the wo! ‘il A MILITARY MYSTERY. Waar do you think Of CotongL Bentinck Being put on half-pay Tn an underhand way bf sr ng & Dont Martial ? ooks rather partial. He’s shelved ere his time, Unconvicted of crime, And so wronged not slightly ; Or he’s let off too lightly. Doesn’t somebody wink At Coronet Bentinck ? French Literary Intelligence. M. ve St. Brvve has discovered an unpublished manu- { script of Robinson Crusoe. He is going to publish it as a Driver. “ D’yer hear, Jem? Make them two full-growed uns sit forrard. I don’t| pendant to his Causeries du Lundi, under the title of Les | Conversations de VENDREDI. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. June 12¢h. Thursday. Dx. Bracu’s young friends reassembled after the Whitsuntide recess, and just as the Arithmetic Class was going to be called up, Master Corry d leave to ask a question of one of the ushers, Mr. Lorp C. Paget. Master Corry said that the boys had been laying out a great deal of pocket money in ships and boats, and was getting on very well in navigation. But a very important thin, connected with ships were docks, and he put it to the usher who h charge of them when they sailed their vessels, whether the school-work- men ought not to be told to make some nice large docks, as they had nothing at _— but some puddles in which the new ships could not turn round. Pacer, the usher, answered that Master Corry had spoken like a sensible and modest lad, and that the thing should be considered, but he did not think there was much cause for complaint. Master Larrp said that at his friends’ place near Liverpool they had beautiful docks, which had not cost much money. Some more boys spoke and Master J. Paxineton was rather rude, and said he did not believe that the usher meant to do anything, which was a shame, he thought. However, as it was the first night, no notice was taken of TER PAKINGTON’s impertinence. The Arithmetic Class was then called up, and according to the custom at Dr. Brrcu’s, Geography questions were interspersed. Master F. BaRInG gave a — nice account of Lagos, near the Gold Coast, and told how Docemo, the King of Lagos, ha been persuaded by the ‘Eng- lish, with the help of a few cannons, to give up his kingdom to the QueEEN Victoria, who was to pay him a thousand pounds every year. It was quite right, though Master Barre did not understand it, to take this little king’s power away, because he helped that wicked savage, the Kine or Danomey, to steal men and women and sell them, which Docemo could not now do. Master Barine made rather a silly remark about the QuEEN having just as good a reason for taking Cuba, as if Cuba belonged to savages, and not to respectable persons who could be made to answer for any wrong they did. Master Grecory explained the case very well, and nearly all the boys thought that Master Barre had learned his lesson well, but could not make a good theme out of it. A great many sums were done, and would you believe it, the boys sat up over the figures till half-past one in the morning ? Master Oszorne said something which he meant for fun, and added that he meant to move, but Dr. Bracu reproved him rather severely for making jokes, and Master Osporve held his tongue. Friday. Majora canamus, Our legistators were to-night engaged on matter for grown-up men. GENERAL Burtuer, the Yankee leader who has possession of New Orleans, has issued a proclamation to the effect that any lady of that city who shall manifest contempt for a Federal soldier “‘ shall be treated as if she were a harlot plying her avocation.” Anything so brutal is not recorded in the history of any war in the Old World or the New, and it will be difficult for the whole of Europe not to feel itself in the position of the ladies of New Orleans, and to mani- fest contempt for every Federal soldier until the proclamation is dis- avowed and BuruEr dismissed. Houses of Parliament to-night the Ministers of England, amid the cheers of the assemblies, spoke with befitting indignation of the beast Butter, but left the ‘Federal Government a loophole by imagining a possibility of the repudiation of the proclamation. Lorp Patmerston silenced the eternal Darsy GRIFFITH very funnily. Danrsy had intended to speak about the Suiran and the Pasna, and to explain that the first lived in Turkey, and had a Seraglio, and went to the Sweet Waters, and to Mosques; while the second lived in Egypt, through which the! Nile ran, and where the et gn te were, and the Sphinx, also many donkey boys, with other novel and valuable information collected by the said Grirritn with patient study and by examination of travellers. But Pam told him that it would not be the right thing to talk about Egypt while the Pasua was staying here. So Darsy shut up, and we hope that, hereafter, Pam will silence him again by telling him that it is not the right thing to talk about Egypt when the Pasia is not here to defend himself. = Then came a long and smart debate, in which most of the best men engaged, and, as usual, the subject-matter; was infinitesimal. One Tayxor, an English person, took the Island of Monte Christo, in order to reside upon it with his wife, in isolation. All was pleasant enough until the Italian outbreak came, and then Mr. Tayior got into a double —— He had a row with some Tuscan soldiers, his wife scolded them, and he gave one of them a shake or something of the kind, Vol, XLII. cc

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244 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Juxe 21, 1862, he was prosecuted and a heavy sentence was passed, which, however, the Government remitted, pardoning Mr. Taytor, and making the prosecutors pay the expenses. Then some of the loose fish, who, under the name of Garibaldians, behaved as loose fish generally do, landed in the island and plundered. Mr. Taxzor considers that as the Kine or Iraty recognised Garrpaxpr’s acts, and the latter recognised the acts of his men, the King ought to compensate the Englishman. Italian Law and Government are appealed to, but they do not see their way. | This was a capital opportunity for the enemies of the Kine or [tay and they came out well, and loud Opposition cheers marked every wor used against the Italian Government which it may be convenient the people of England should remember. Mr. Layarp, Mr. | GLADSTONE, Rounpett Parmer, and Lorp Patmerstow all came out in defence of the Italians, while allowing the hardships of Mr, Tarzor’s case ; Mz. Cavenpisa Bentavcx, Mr. Kive.ake, Mn. Ramah, ond Min. Demnannt 08 ee pe eae che uised was a very good one, law argument an ies being mix panna ah e with personalities. The result is, that Lonp Patwers- TON held out some hopes of kind treatment to Mr. Tayzor, and the ive Opposition held out none to the Italians. ay Siz Ropert Pret threw over divers Irish Bills, complaining that though the Scotch can stop and and ht their measures till two in the morning, the Lrish always want to shut up at —— Perhaps the Irish brew their whiskey-toddy stronger than the Scotch, and conse- quently are more advanced at the earlier date. TAKING A TURN AT HANDEL. NOMALOUS as it ma sound, Mr. Punch -- hates handle’smusie, - but he loves >” music of Hawpmn. “ The music made by turning the handle of a barrel- 7§\ enjoysa turn at. But r. Punch the other evening attended a re where a couple of Sumas si took a turn , at fasom.; and such \ was the effect on Mr. Punch’s ears and mind, that he came away determined to make record of the fact, inasmuch as one m good turn deserves Y another. People cannot well be blind to the beau- ; ties of good music when they sing so well at sight as those did at this rehearsal. Chorusses that long ago have passed clean out of memory, and seldom have been sung since DEL elf led them, were “rendered” in slang phrase, with a fire and a precision that a rifleman might envy. One from Hereules was given with a force it would have puzzled even Hercules to give to it; and one from Sf. Cecilia’s was sung in such a way that, being a good musician, the Saintess would no doubt bave given ears to hear it. There was a laughing chorus too (words written by Muzton, music put by Hanpset—a fitting combination) ; and just fancy how a laugh of two thousand horse power must have the staid echoes of solemn Exeter Hall! The singers indeed laughed with such 3 hearty vehemence that Mr. Punch began to think that by some traitor in his printing-office one of the jokes in his forthcoming number had been sent to them; and the round of applause with which the laughter ended very naturally served to strengthen this idea. Mr. Punch knows no more of musical slangography than he does of Chinese chaff, or the talk of Feejee fast men. So he will not plague his readers by describing how the contrapuntal passages were rendered, what pains were bestowed upon the melodic progressions, and how well the ¢empi were preserved throughout. It is enough for him to hint that if the performance at the Festival at all equal the promise, it will em * deserve success, and will probably command it. So Mr, Punch would say to every musical young lady, Haste thee; Nymph, and bring with thee Pa and Ma and sisters three: Cram thy carriage inside. On the box let Cuartzy ride. Frepeaick, Axrnur, and Aucustus, if they’ve business to detain them, may rattle down by train and meet you in the transept. Come all ye who music best on the other side. The debate} W love, and would its pleasures prove. Come and hear the Giant Hanpezt, and “see what mighty strides he takes” in his great works. Listen for a while to his harmonious thunder, and let your ears be filled with sounds that for a lifetime may prove a pleasant memory. MRS. HARRIS. On the Report of a Row in “Muster Dersy’s ’ouse over the way” (where she ’elps). Gums, ingeed ! Don’t talk to me/ Drat such gossip, and tittle. tattle ! Wich it’s well known I ’ates tale-bearers, and spies, and all such cattle. hat is it to them what goes on in the ’ouse that I runs arrands and chares for ? : I’m sure ¢heir tongues is no scandal as respectable parties cares for. Suppose our gentlemen does fall out, wich young Wa.poxe is that aggravatin’,— Bi (Though you’d think butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth, his case when you him statin’) And s Muster Dizzy that ’ad the fust floors, Aave gone up to attices— (Wich I’m proud to wait on him, though ‘five pairs o’ stairs do come *ard on my rheamatics), If our gents das had their little tiffs about their places at meals— And sw pose when they meets in the droring-room they turns upon eir I’m sure Muster Dury (that’s master) do his best to keep things q uiet, the | And ’taint true we’ve ad the perlice called in to put down rumpage or not. Mosrzx Duzzy is free to go out and come in as he likes, with his own : Key, ‘ : And it can’t be no basiness of Wa.pour’s, the parties he chooses to see: Them Irish gents as calls on him is pleasant haffable men, Though they ts apt to be rambustical and fractious now and then. Anyways we keeps ourselves to ourselves, and if parties will make andles Of every trifle, more shame for them as breeds such worrits and scandals, . I’ll never say nothing to make folks think Derby-Mansion’s a coming to smash, We washes our dirty linen at home, and I pon’r TELL WHAT GOES 10 tHE WasH. “ MAY THE EVENING’S AMUSEMENT BEAR,” &c. Tue Pore has been giving a grand Banquet to the Cardinals and all the Bishops in Rome. Happy priests! How they must have en- joved their mutton, as every one of them could doubtlessly boast to imself of having got the Pope’s eye. Fancy the beverages too! We read that the Pore had no less than 240 Bishops to his dinner that day! We wonder how ever he meneaes to get home to the Vatican in safety that night. We all know that Prvs is a famous good hand at making a Bishop, but we wish that he would not make some of them so strong. Your Bishop has at all times fine insidious qualities for stealing away a mau’s brains, but that Duranzour Bishop is enough to give the strongest man a headache for several days to come. Not only is there too much 4, but it is of too fiery a quality. We are curious to know if the Porz has yet recovered from having had 240 Bishops all on the same evening. If he has, he has a much stronger head than we ever gave him credit for. Breaking the Doll. Woman is the Englishman’s friend, the American’s doll. Which destiny does she — when she reads that the Federals have issued 4 proclamation to the ladies of New Orleans, stating that any lady “who manifests contempt” for a Federal soldier shall be treated—well, as we do zoé treat the unfortunate creatures who infest the Haymarket at midnight? Poor Dolly, she is ruthlessly smashed the moment she even winks derision. But how do the brave, but susceptible Northerns, treat men who manifest similar contempt? GeneraL Banks runs away from them—gives them the cut direct. Perhaps this is almost as safe a course as GENERAL BuTLER’s. Patrons or THE Ruxe.—Ladies, circus-riders, publicans, clowns, noblemen, and prize-fighters.

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362, NDEL, Listen l with upon hings npage $s Own ) see: make ; and ming ES TO | | | Jorn 21, 1862.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 245 =“ A REAL AMERICAN GRIEVANCE. THERE is one subject on which the Yankees are especially sore, and we admit that it is a grievance. Do what they will, declare themselves, never so loudly, the Fastest nation in all creation, they still lag five hours behind slow old England. When we have got to five o’clock in the afternoon, New York is only at noon. This justly enrages them, and we hear that when the North is subjugated, and the English and french are driven from America, and the Count pe Panis reigns at the Tuileries, and Cuba is a Territory, some action is to be taken in the matter, and the Sun is to be turned the other way, or something is to be done to maintain the honour of the Old flag—yes, Sir, for we ain’t behind you noways, Mister. —. Sorat - oe eR Merely going to inquire about the Seizure of the British Steam-ship ‘‘ Bermuda” by the Yankee Frigate “ Mercedita.” EMPLOYMENT FOR WOMEN. “My pEaR Fanny, : Bs “ You always read your Zimes of a morning after your Papa has done with it, and therefore know that some over here on account of the International Exhibition, have been writing to the Paris newspapers descriptions of our manners and customs in letters most of which are amusing from the monstrous blunders and bouncing stories which they contain. Some, however, are fair and reasonable enough; for instance, one lately quoted by the Morning Post, a paper, mind, which is written for fashionable readers. ‘The writer of this letter extols the beauty of English girls, but_thinks his countrywomen have advantage in grace of manner, the art of dressing. Well, my dear, this is a no sm advantage—if they have it. ,eanger Aes keep little better than mackerel, grace will last much longer, and skill in dressing will enable a girl to make the most of herself, and also of clothes, so as, if obliged to dress cheaply, nevertheless to dress well. No, my dear, I am not one of those old fogies who affect to ridicule girls’ attention to dress, especially when it is shown by them in making their own clothes. Certain! y not. But now, here is a passage from one of this French pow: Be A letters :-— “ Let me see how I can best give an idea of the occupations of an English lady, the daughter ofa ‘gen™ tleman.’ Mrs. M.’s Mary yet nnt 48 I think, about 20. 7) her in the morning, after writing letters. English young ladies are always Then, later, she reads fashionable romances, which, just now, are romantic histories of the 3_@ little later she is at the pianoforte singing a German or 8; song. The young ladies of London will learn to sing in all languages—why, I know not— it is the fashion. Later in the day she is at a flower-show or a concert, wherever there are most milords and a eee en 0 peewee Se to be in the same room with the first aristocracy. A ride or drive in the park, dinner, and a ball or the I Opera close the day as in other civilised cities.’ “There, Fanny, my dear, that is an observant foreigner’s description of the way in which a large class of young English ladies pass their girlhood. Pretty spinsters, so called by the tule of contrary, because toil not, neither do they spin, except round and round in waltzes, a, to be sure, there are who, although, like the rest, they can afford to be idle and worthless, lead a life much above that of a butterfly. They visit the poor, they super- intend charity-schools, they attend lectures at the Royal Institution. To hear music they y to Exeter Hall; to the opera now and then, when something is done there a great better than La Traviata. They read good books, humorous and serious; habitually in Some measure exercise their intellect and higher affections, vehemently derided by grinning elegant . You are the daughter of a useful man, my Fanny; you belong to the serviceable orders. You have been taught better than to fritter your time away. If you were now to rise, or sink, shall I say? into the sumptuous classes, whose business is to enjoy themselves, such a life as i the Frenchman would to you. No; tony would be a punishment anda bore. Some gue in your station think they would like it; life pocd as sen 28 awd = It a be a i enough for them, could it last a lifetime—if the butterfly could, as the silly old on roaming for ever from flower i it th eae * . which is no company to its consort. Here endeth domestic bliss. “ Now you, my dear little Fanny, rise early, get breakfast ready, read as I have said, your Times, hel _ beds, do a lot of needle- work; lend a hand in the kitchen when you have done work; study the literature of your country, play one or two of Brernoven’s sonatas, and sing, when you do sing, ‘ He shall Feed ius Flock,’ or something of that sort, go to an evening party once or twice in the year, You and out for a every day. walk all| marry a sensible fellow; for a fool would prefer the material substance, in the shape of a deuced fine girl at present, to bloat hereafter ito a martlemas of a female. Your husband will not vote you a bore as soon as your cheeks have faded, and you have become what the sarcastic fops call passée, He will prefer your society to his own, or to any other, and you will still be a happy wife, when many a belle of the ball has overblown into a flat-footed, gross fat woman, with a waist like the middle cireum- ference of a beer-barrel, a short thick neck, and no intellect : once pursued, now neglected ; for- merly the object of looting gallantry, at present the subject of mocking fun; a being as ugly, almost, as your affectionate Uncle, * Munpunevs.” Out-and-out Profound. Ir is not from the dwellers in for- tune’s sunshine that a wise man seeks to learn true wisdom. When the philosopher wants to know the temperature he goes.to the thermometer in the shade.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a, [June 21, 1862, ysis dul) SS 4 eS Taat awFuL Swett Percy pE GosLine FInps HIMSELF BY ACCIDENT aT BricHTon oN Wurt-Monpay. HIS NERVES HAVE BEEN TERRIBLY SHOCKED. ALREADY HE HAS BEEN ASKED IF HE WANTED ANY TEA-ACCOMMODATION; AND NOW A BOATMAN REQUESTS HIM TO “‘JINE THIS PaRTY, AND MAKE UP THE ’ARF DOZEN FOR A ROW.” MISSIONARY SWELLS. * Dear Puncn, “Now that the Social Science Congress has just been sitting, let me present you with a suggestion, which strikes me as a good idea | for ameliorating the behaviour of the industrious classes. The cheap excursion trains and steamboats, just now, take loads of them in all | directions, and empty them in large quantities over every spot frequented | by the right sort of people, especially watering places. Of course they | ought to be allowed change of air, though some fellows think that is not | necessary, but they have no right to poison the air which they exchange | for that of the slums with bad tobacco and onions; they should get out | of the way, and their women should not carry about children in arms, | and sit nursing them regardless of publicity, and perhaps eating winkles. | “Tt strikes me that, since there is no law to punish the common people | for commiting these heinous offences, it would be a good thing if fellows | would ynite in an endeavour to get up a reform of their horrible manners | by means of practical example. 1 propose that some of us fellows | should go among them as missionaries, to try and teach them better, which would be immensely philanthropic, and. quite a charity to other fellows, who hate the sight of the People, and take no interest in elevat- ing the masses, whilst they are inexpressibly annoyed, and disgusted beyond measure, by their peculiarities—their language, voices, looks, gestures, habits and ways—which no fellow can escape from observing. “For us benevolent fellows who are not so fastidious, it would be good fun, I say, to go and travel occasionally in the second class with the excursionists who have taken 3s. return tickets to enjoy eight hours at the sea-side. Having gained their confidence by entering into conversa- tion with them in a genial and familiar spirit, we might soon be enabled to commence the attempt at their improvement. ith due gentleness and delicacy we could venture to point out to them their characteristic | errors in grammar and pronunciation; the employment of a double | negative for a simple negation, the omission or superaddition of the ‘sor’ for saw. We might take every available | letter H, and saying : L opportunity to give the men a practical lesson in courtesy to the other | sex, by arranging their shawls and their parcels for instance, and by con- siderately covering infants too conspicuously nursed with the mantle of | a travelling wrapper or a pocket handkerchief. In a little while, having sufficiently ingratiated ourselves with our fellow-passengers, we miglit take the liberty of playfully deprecating the continual munching oi bread and cheese, ont the frequent recourse to the spirit-flask. “ Arrived at our destination, we might mingle with the people, in strolling about the streets, where we would try to prevail upon them to lay aside their pipes, and walk along so as not to occupy all the pave- | ment. It would be well for us also to — out to them any adjacent objects of interest, with a view to develop intelligence in the place of gaping wonder. We might accompan i to the neighbouring park, | or beach, assist them in opening their baskets and untying their bundles, | show them how to arrange the contents of those things in the style of a | pic-nic, and instruct mechanics and artisans in the mystery of attending to ladies. If necessary, we could even follow them to those unknown haunts out of which absurd persons issue, and offer you hot water for the tea which they assume you have got in your pocket! We would school them in deportment at table; entreat them to laugh gently ; aud | beg them not to put their knives into their mouths. | “ On the sands—by the sad sea waves—we would make it our busi- | ness to conduct them to bathing machines, not only that they might | properly ‘wash themselves, but also their infants, instead of halt | dipping them in the salt water, scraping them against the shingle, and | then, to stop their cries and screams, giving them gin, And here, where the working man would insist on smoking, we would teach lim | to smoke in a proper manner, with his hands put easily and gracefully in his pockets and his hat on the right way. Arm in arm with young journeymen, we would show them how to stroll and saunter and dangle after the young women, glass ineye. As for those young women, with their aunts and mothers, we would, if possible, induce our sisters oF cousins to assist our ministrations by attending and instructing them to carry their crinoline with elegance, so as not to expose its framework, but to exhibit their ankles to advantage, for which purpose it wo further be necessary to teach them to assume correct attitudes. Most of our female relatives, doubtless, would only be too happy to co-operate (‘suedvg ylox may 90g) I)

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Jone 21, 1862.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 249 —— in our labour of love. This is not too strong an expression. Of course we ought all to love our species, and the People are our species ; although they seem a different race. A working man might marry a fellow’s sister, by a frightful possibility, and e a fellow an uncle ; that’s a physiological truth. A fellow who has been born a Swell can hardly conceive that he is of the same flesh and blood as a small cheese- monger; but such is the horrid fact. That is what makes a fellow want to improve the Million, because the idea that they are a fellow’s fellow-men is so humiliating. -: “ Your Regular Reader, “ The Clarendon, June, 1862.” “ TREMAINE.” PROTECTION FOR THE POOR ORGAN-GRINDER. For the sake of the Italian Organ-grinders themselves, something ought to be done with a view to prevent the excitement into which the nerves of irritable persons are now liable to be thrown by the music of those interesting foreigners. At the Lambeth Police Office, on Monday last week, a wandering minstrel of this pon class, named Fran- cisco Escuro, appeared to complain of a cracked crown, the effect of a violent assault committed on him by a half-pay officer, Carrany Dunpas. Accordin g to the report :— 9 and 10 o'clock, while pm meg ow A iced not tall hee three, or “oh — dine on head with a stick. one of which had cut his hat through, and caused a wound on the top of his head.” There ‘was evidence enough to that this lesion of the scalp which the poor fellow could not tell how he had received, was produced by the cane of the irascible Capramy Dunpas. Mas. Exizasera y—the Captain’s next door neighbour—beheld the assault. This lady said, “she had been in the habit of giving the poor organ-players a few pence, but since she had vered the Captain, her neigh- bour, did not like it, she had discontinued doing so.” A kind and considerate lady; kind, though injudiciously so, to a poor organ- grinder, and considerate to irritable Captain. Unfortunately she repented of her mistaken kindness too late to avail the poor organ- grinder. For behold :— hile w she heard an organ playing five or six houses . In a few minutes she saw Captain Dunpas strike the violent ) ! How painful! How much the poor organ-grinder must have been hurt! Revo other witnesses attested the foregoing Silos Gheeling pany dian iimonpeased to bo dees wean te y a deep wound in the ef hia hack,” tha, like 0 Mind erentare, “took him some hot water to wash away the blood.” What a truly touching act of tender charity! It is gratifying to know that his head was washed. The other witness, altho’ ewise a woman, admitted, on cross exami- | nation, “that she had seen a young lady point towards the Complainant, id heard him play one or two tunes after that.” The poor Italian ht, if he had dared, have addressed his sssulant in the words of his countryman Jago, “I bleed, Sir, but not killed.” He does not appear ve made the remark. bled, however, at any rate, and was seen Constable, Henry Morton, 63 L, on the same morning, at Street Station, “with a wound on his head from which the was still flowing.” S victim of irritation! The last-named , who took Captarn Dunpas into custody, stated that :— The Prisoner was not the terror of the organ-grinders alone, but of his neigh- He was in the habit of firing off a seven-barrelled revolver, and at other conducted himself in so eccentric a manner as to alarm those living in his _ This statement of the policeman makes us tremble to think of the risk that was run by the organ: in provoking a gen in the habit of firing off a seven- ed revolver. The solicitor of Capram Duwnpas p in defence of his client that the Captain was in “ a weak and nervous state.” These are conditions which organ- —» hen to aggravate. Caprain Dunpas sent a ‘oung lady to request the musician to go away. The poor musician, as ose poor musicians usually do, declined to move. “ Annoyed by his refusal,” the ay sano “in a moment struck him, and, unfortunately, with much more force than he had intended.” Ulysses served Thersites in the same way to stop his noise—poor Thersites! But that case is no Pe ; nothing can justify an assault, not even organ-grinding and refusal to stir on the part of the og organ-grinder, Caprain Duwpas was fined £5 by Mr. Extiorr; who very pro- ly observed that “it was not to be permitted to persons to take the w into their own hands, and commit such outrages as cutting people’s heads open with their sticks with impunity,” so says the law, which a is bound to ! the temptation which theie vay prompts nervous en to take it injury of poor organ-grinders. It is quite administer. But then really the law should | Les true that, as Mr. Ex1iorr also said of the sufferer in this case, “the Prisoner had his remedy in sending for a constable, and having hi removed or given into custody.” Yes, and then Sicyor FRrancrsco Escxio might have been su ed by another poor organ-grinder, and poor organ-grinder following, the same remedy again applied, a third removed by a re-application of the remedy, and so on all day; a remedy worse than the disease for a nervous irritable Should the organ-grinding at last drive him absolutely mad, the possible result to the poor organ-grinder might be fearful. Be it therefore enacted a “ Caution,” posted at the demand of - nervous gentleman, shall forbid all organ-grinding within a reason- able compass, and authorise the police to remove all poor organ-grinders from the peril to which they now expose themselves. would effectually secure those tidy and oo children of harmony from in- cur such sad consequences of violent exasperation as those which poor Francisco Escuio brought down upon his head. THE MISSION OF THE JAPANESE MARTYRS. On, we are J m that three hundred years ago,’ Were arecthed. with ight and pride, in the streets of Fatsisio. There’s a couple of i You may find of us, in the spirit, invited to Rome, woot Bl. Poter’s dome, distem: “Waaent? All of the olden Time! For the gag that we love, we gallantly strove, upon Rome’s ancient pian, St. Peter’s rock that defies all shock to establish in far Japan. With pictures that winked, and figures that bled, ceremonial pomp and show, We hoped full soon to oust the Tycoon and floor the Mikado, We canonised J martyrs All of the olden Time. So long as we kept to spirituals we smenmiely made our way, The Japanese liked to be preached at, ‘and didn’t object to pay. The alms and oblations flowed freely in, and ev ing pro fair, And we hoped in the East one leg at least to add to St. Peter’s chair, We canonised Japanese martyrs, All of the olden Time. But when it came to ousting Tycoon and flooring Mikado, Adding temporal rule to spiritual, we were quietly told to go: And when we refused, we were cruelly used, and strung up by twos and threes Hime, drawn and quartered, and variously martyred, as witness the ies Of us canonised Japanese martyrs, All of the olden Time. So Holy Father take warning, with the Cardinals at — side, And Bishops, whether in partibus, or faithful flocks guide. So long as it stuck to spirituals no risk our mission ran, *Twas going in for the temporals that floored the Church of Japan, And settled us J martyrs, All of the olden eC. *Tis a fine thing to be canonised, beatitude’s a pleasure, And a grand sight is St. Peter’s, decked with velvet and lights and treasure : But we’d rather see stronger foundations and somewhat poorer ings, And a good deal less of French bayonets, and more of Italian blessings, We canonised Japanese martyrs, All of the olden Time. Quod semper, ubique, quod ab omnibus co “tg Is the rule, “ Good Casaris Casari, quod Det detur” Then seek not after temporals, or, be sure, our counsel scorning, You ’ll find yourself served _ as we did, one fine morning, We canonised Japanese martyrs, All of the olden Time. ce Extraordinary Benevolence. Mr. Bensamin Wesster (whose name is syn and liberality) has contrived to get at odds with Bovcrcaviz, and it appears from the Wesster, so far from resenting the actually taken proceedings to prevent t see of Drury Lane Theatre ! we should be glad to be privately ope with kindness tremendous Dion Reports, that Mr.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (June 21, 1862. YUM Ya — SE ir) wit “THE PLAGUE OF MY LIFE.” How sweet to curate’s ear the sound Of Postman’s knock upon the door ! (When all his Oxford bills are paid And dunning letters come no more). Into the morning toilet now, He will not wait to throw his mind, He ties his necktie all askew Nor stops to part his hair behind. But down the stairs he rushes straight, Eager the breakfast-tray to scan “Letters ?—Hurrah! yes—one! two! three ! There must be one from Mary ANNE!” First,"number one—“ Sir, Messrs. SPrce, Brotuers, & Co., Old Street, E.C._— Still offer at a sacrifice A good sound family bohea.” Then number two comes—“ Reverend Sir, The feeling we have always shown, The clergy bids us print for them Some facts not generally known. “ Our Spanish Agent writes us word (From San inner = he opines, This very year must bring about A Crisis in the growth of wines. “In which case, with no other view _ Than your advantage, our advice is You should 4 in a butt of Port Still quoted at the usual prices. “* We’ve far more satisfaction, Sir, In filling bins with wines like these, Te Than offering you (as others do) Growths of disastrous vintages. “'N.B. In sherries notice ‘Three’ (A cheap wine but you may be sure A very sound one), which we keep li For distribution to the poor.” SCENE :—COUNTRY RAILWAY STATION, PIOUS DISTRICT. Coot PassznceEr (helping himself to old Jonzs’s Sandwiches which he had left on his luggage in front of the Tract Box while he went for his ticket). “ Oh/ certainly, ate on the part o’ the Company—must say.” with pleasure! Un ly id Enact for us some kindly laws, To save our much enduring race rom Why should such wretches have a right } | Enough! Enough! Oh ye M:P.s these advertisers’ jaws ! To plague us ms as they please, And bother us about their wines, And teaze us with their patent teas? —A SuFFERER. PROTESTANT MONKEY’S TRICKS. (To CarpirvaL WIsEMAN.) My Lorp Carprval, . wea 4 Your Eminence is now, I believe, in the Eternal City, but as Coxsert said once when he wrote a letter to the Por, if any gentle- man happens to be going to Rome, he will perhaps be so as to put this letter into his et, and deliver it to you with his own hands. A man signing himself “A Member of the Protestant Church of England,” writing to the Morning Advertiser, gives an account of some very shameful buffoonery which is being practised in your district —you know I must not say diocese—and which cannot but disgust you. He dates from Stoke Newington, and says :— “We have in this neighbourhood a Church called St. Matthias, the interior of which is made to resemble as much as possible a Roman Catholic place of worship. There are an abundance of crosses, even the brass lamps are studded with them, each burner being in the shape of a cross.” You see, my Lord Cardinal, that this is a Protestant Church at which the officiating clergymen amuse themselves and their congrega- tion—I should say audience—by playing at Roman Catholics. Here is the above-quoted writer’s description of the perf ‘ormance :— ** On Easter-Sunday, which we all know is a high day in the Romish Church, so likewise was it at St. Matthias. I attended the service, and as far’as the music was meerned, I admit the ciating same manner as is practised in Popish Chapels. They have at Church ‘ holy water’ for the congregation to use, with the sign of the cross, also Sisters of Mercy, another name for nuns.” Your Emin ives that these mountebanks don’t mimic you Eminence percei cleverly. They intone “the beautiful service of the Church of England.” Why do they not intone the beautiful canon of the Mass at once, and take you off, as the rustics say, “something like?” Why, I dare say you would rather have your own form of worship represented at_ Drury ane, or at the Adelphi Theatre, where, by the way, the Canoni- sation would be a safe hit, Pro Nono represented by Mr. Tooxz, and Mx. Pav. Beprorp playing your Eminence. Our histrionic parsons at Stoke Newington, however, carry their burlesque a little too far. In continuation we are informed that :— “They adopt the debasing practice of confession, waich, while it subjugates the intellect, is repulsive to every manly feeling of our nature.” Some foolish people, mistaking these clerical mimes for regular Roman Catholic priests, may actually go and confess to them. Now whatever your auricular confession may be, there can be no doubt that the Protestant imitation of it is all humbug; a practice not only de- basing but useless. I would suggest, therefore, the expediency of taking some step to prevent this Stoke Newington confessional from imposing on the unwary. Couldn’t you have a few acolytes, in costume, to stand outside of St. Matthias’s, carrying advertisement-boards, to apprise all whom the information may concern, that you have no con- nection with that establishment, and declaring which is the genuime shop for absolution? With all possible respect, Your Eminence’s old acquaintance, PUNCH. Vacancies Wanted. ’ Tue Pore was sorely puzzled to know how to cram his new Japanese Saints into the Calendar, already most inconveniently crowded with apocryphal sanctity. He might make a little room ‘3 shoving out S. Napoleon, which would be a neat and safe insult to L. NAPOLEON, in return for his efforts to shove out the Porz. Punch wonders that the ecclesiastical mind has not thought of so delightful a bit of spite. It is not too late—though it soon may be.

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June 21, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE REMOVAL OF A NUISANCE. HE hideous tents, that selfishly block up the view of the Horticul- tural Gardens from the windows of the Exhibition —_refresh- ment rooms, were not used on the occasion of the last Flower Show. As they are s. Of no use then, why ~~ Should not they be , removed ? Those who rule Arcadia should breathe nothing but gentleness and nature to others, even though they be only outsiders of the ic circle of beauty ant, an have not paid their shillings to enter the flowery kingdom. Flowers should surely teach everything that is graceful and sweet, and we think that the poe hs of a society so pacl in its nature as the Horticultural might display a little more fellowship to their fellow-crea- tures. The present erection seems to have been prompted by the Directors after they had partaken of a liberal repast of early gooseberries and unripe crab-apples, and had been drinking freely of the juice of vinegar-plants, for its unsightly growth could only have been the produce of the very essence of acidity. The sour spirit that apparently animated them was this :— “ No, gentlemen exhibitors, you may enjoy your dinners, and pay for them any price you please; but we are determined you shall not feast your eyes for nothing. Our fiowers, we tell you, are not going to waste their sweetness gratis. You don’t see one of their lovely tints until we first see the colour of your money.” However, we doubt if this monster bit of canvas has helped the sale of their season-tickets in any way. We say again, let the nuisance be instantly removed. One’s dinner is poisoned by an overflow of mi : Tent whine, that is being poured out on all sides of you on account of this huge ocular obstruction. One would as soon think of dining outside one of Atear’s Crown and Anchor booths. The only tent one would wish to dine in on such an occasion, surrounded as one is with so many foreigners, should be en-tente cordiale. CAROLLINGS FOR COCKNEYS. Amone other musical novelties we see announced a piece for the piano which the composer has entitled “‘ Carollings at Morn.” In this “ morceau de salon,” as it is called in the advertise- ments, one of the advertised “opinions of the press” informs us that “the warblings of the s, the huntsman’s joyous horn, and the chevying of the hounds are successfully rendered.” Now, of course such morning sounds as these are familiar enough to people in the country, but we who live in London only have a limited acquaintance with them, and therefore cannot ke much interest in piano imitations, or say with any certainty if they be like to life. We think then the composer, if he aim at all at gaining a London reputation, should write at once a sequel to his “ morsel of the drawing-room,” and introduce the cries and carollings at morn heard in Cockaigne. We are sure a pretty piece might be composed on such a theme, and we really feel surprised it has not long ere this been thought of. How charmingly the street-cries might be introduced, and what delightful variations might be written on the melodies wherewith the various street merchants proclaim aloud their wares! How sweetly “ Milk below—oh!” might be tinkled in the treble, while “Fresh Haddick!” or Fine So-holes!” might be blared out in the bass. The cheerful ery of “ Swee-ee-ee-up ! might then be fitly heard, and an imitation given of the shriek of “ Water-creeeeeeses!” or the howl of “Hearthstones!” Then the cry of “Any hornaments for your fire-stove? ” _ ought to follow as a fugue, and the carollings might conclude with a bit of a street song, such as that infer—well, that infer-ior “In the Strand!” Every Cockney is familiar with such carollings as these, and we feel sure they might be imitated upon the piano, every whit as well as those more rural morning sounds which form the subject of the piece that has suggested these remarks. Racing Intelligence. . A Loszr on the Derby haying used explosive language in pelting of his loss, endeavoured im some manner to justit his words by saying—“ Well, after all, you know, the winner it’s correct-to-cuss.” The unhappy man is thought to have meant this as a joke upon the word Caractacus KELLY IN VERSE. BY A PRACTICAL PORT. “ Qui nunc quoque dicitur Index.”—Ov. Met. A Frienp of mine, you understand, Said, speaking to a friend of his, “T know your Number in the Strand, But know not whereabouts it is.” He seemed to name a public need : Be mine an Index to supply, By which you all can see, wit =, How that grand Artery’s num lie. The Strand begins with Alnwick’s Lord, oO ag Percy’s Lion rears oe on we go Hungerfo Destined as istform for the Rail, At Fifty comes a kind of notch, George Court, which cut on memory’s peg ; *Twixt Jonnsow, who will set your watch, And Surgeon Jonzs, who’ll set your leg. A Hundred and behold, Where eee be your inward man, And ivory tickets too are sold For yonder famed Cigar Divan. Pass Fifty more, and One—Five -One Shows you a statue, dark as jet, And here the Nation’s work is done, You see erset. Two doors before Two Hundred, see The [llustrated London News, A better journal could not be, Embellished with delightful views. Two-Thirty-Five completes the side, My pensive friend; and here you are, For whether, friend, you walk or ride, Behold yourself at Tempie Bar. Now turn we west, and back we go, Only of course we cross the way ; The Strand has here not much to show Whereof we pleasant things can say. Two-Sixty-Five’s the street of wen Of which we hope to see the fall ; For architectural fingers itch To smash that dreary, dirty wall Narrows the Strand, ’tis here at worst, Would that improvement’s hand were bold ; And Holywell’s black dens accurst, Lie close behi houses old. Two-Ninety-Eight’s the Spotted Dog, An ancient haunt, if not genteel, Where drink is “lush” and food is “ prog ts What matter, if you get your meal See the Lyceum’s pit invites __ Where high is writ Three-Fifty-Four, There Peep o’ Day two hundred nights Hath run—may run as many more. Now read that Greek, and answer, curt, What portal ’s marked Three-Seventy-T wo, Here stands the Hall that would convert Pagan and Buddhist, Turk and Jew. Then count until at Four-Eleven You halt before a favourite spot. Performances commence at Seven ; See Mrs. Bouctcau.t as Dot, Then less than fifty houses more ; Will bring your journey’s end, my child, Four-Fifty-Seven denotes the store Where maps are sold by Bodmin’s Wvrxp. And if my neat though humble rhymes Shall save some grains of Life’s fast sand, By aiding reference when the Times Mentions some number in the Strand : My object. ’s gained ; my Muse so free Down from her empyréan drops, And lisps in numbers, though they be But numbers on the doors and shops.

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s

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[June 21, 1862,

Ip Me If / 4) J; |

,7 ‘ I Z t oF J BLONDIN IN A BREEZE. Tue subjoined statement was published the other morning in the principal papers,— “‘CrystaL Patacer.—Buionpin made his first ascent over the fountains on Saturday, notwithstanding it was. blowing a hurricane at the time.” The remark which this information ‘naturally suggests is, What a wonder it is that Buonprx was not blown down. The circumstance of a windy day must add very much to the excite- ment which is occasioned by Mr. BLonpIn’s ter- rific ascents and performances in the sky. It is | liberal of the Crystal Palace Company to make no extra charge for admission on hurricane days, which Apmrrat Firzroy’s “forecasts” in the

l

| Times would generally enable them to anticipate the day before. The crowds who go to see M. Buonpin risk, and Boop his neck, would be greatly multiplied if the public were advertised as often as the prospects of the

7 | _——

—_—™ — A. TERRIBLE THREAT. Master Jack. “Now THEN, CHARLOTTE, ARE YOU GOING TO LEND ME youR Paint Box?” Charlotte. “‘ No, Sma. You know wHat a Mess you MADE OF IT LasT TIME!” Master Jack. “Very Wett. Tuen I’Li put my Guinea Pic on your Neck!” weather would warrant, that his ascent would ake place at such an hour; a heavy gale ex- pected. When he is dancing on the tight-rope in a tempest, his spectators should give the space under his rope a wide berth, considering that, if he should chance to be upset, they would not only have his blood upon their heads, in a moral sense, but likewise, in its ponderable substance, his material body, which would be as bad for themselves as for Bionpry, for the body would certainly smash the heads notwithstanding their thickness.

Quire a Novetry i Poiticat Economy.— Retrenchment by the Tories.

A ConsmpERaBLE Savine 1x Trwe.—Shilling

GENTILITY AND GOOD MANNERS. THERE is no Royal: Road to learning, and it would seem that the Royal road to learning the’ contents of the International Exhibition is sometimes almost as’ bad as no road at all. ..The other day the Princesses Heiena and Mavpe, with their attendants, visited the building. The young ladies were, of course, in deep mourning, and if ordinary courtesy were not enough to prevent Snobs from intruding l upon them, the dress might have suggested that special delicacy was due to children who were brought to see the development of the ideas Hear the Daily News :— of a lost father. “ We regret to be o! to add, that the Royal party were forced to leave the building much earlier they had intended, in consequence of. the rude and Shameless way in which they were literally ‘mobbed.’ Some of the ‘ladies’ rushed rein § and coolly peered under the bonnets of the young Princesses, to the utter confusion and annoyance of the latter, and in defiance of the expostulations of the police. The men were quite as bad, and when the police remonstrated, were insolent and abusive, acting, in fact, as if they had an inward conviction that the privilege of staring at the al Pri ina which, if it had been done to ladies of lower rank, would most assuredly have procured for the offenders per- sonal chastisement from their male escorts, was a legitimate portion of the value of their admission money.”

‘ ey” was very low, of course, but what can you expect from the rabble? The canaille have no sense of propriety, and if ladies wil/ go into a mob of mechanics, they must take the consequence.” If you please, Mrs. FITzBATTLEAXE, just lower that highly orna- mental and aristocratic nose for one moment, only until you have read another sentence or two. ha The day in question was zoé a Shilling day, but a Half-Crown day os word “mobbed” in the above extract is followed in the original 1us,— “ by persons wearing the garb of ladies and gentlemen,” and the reporter proceeds :— ** To the honour of the working classes, we have to record, on the best authority, that on the previous (shilling) day, when the building was crowded with mechanics and their wives, the Royal party passed through the various courts comparatively unmolested. A considerable crowd followed them, it is true, for a short period, after the quality of the distinguished visitors became known, but a single word from the police-sergeant in attend was sufficient to induce the people to fall back in the most deferential manner, and during the passage of the party through the Courts the Royal ladies were wholly unobstructed.” - see that, Mrs. Frrzpatrtteaxe? You observe that it was not the “lower orders” who mobbed the Princesses, but the “ genteel”

| Clocks. | | people, the folks who are not up to the Five Shilling day mark, but | who could not for the world mix, (as Priycesses Alice anp Lovisa afterwards did) with the Shilling rabble. It was the Gents and the Gentesses,'Madam, the Snobs who endeavour to imitate you and | the rest of the beloved and revered aristocracy, but try to do it cheaply, | and certainly do it in the way indicated by the other adjective feanently coupled with cheap. Half-bred Brummagem Respectability mobs young | adies in mourning—the Hil owners, Made. | On the days reserved for those who may be supposed to represent the aristocracy, and on the days given to the People, the children of | Proyce Atpert may walk, unmolested, among the treasures which it | was the dearest wish of their father to assemble at Kensington. But | let them beware of the Snobs, those who are not fine enough to go | among the real Swells, and who think themselves too fine to go among | the People. We hope that our foreign visitors, as'also the police, will keep their eyes upon persons whom they’ may see vulgarly pressing | upon such visitors to the show as the Princesses, or others in whom | England has an interest. Both the males and females of the vulgarian | class that so misconducts itself look very smart, but should the police- | man, as it is to be hoped he may, lay his hand upon the shoulder of a | male Snob, let that policeman be gentle, or he may ‘pull away a paper | collar, and a dickey with brass studs, and as for the she-snobs, let | Punch advise persons with noses and knees to keep away from coarse | rfumes and peo crinolines. A Marquis will do you no particular | arm, and will make way for you when he has seen the picture before | him, and a Mechanic will thank you for telling him which is the Hogarth, | but the Gent who cares as much for pictures as a pig, will keep i | your way if he thinks you want to move on, and the Gentess, even more | vacuous, will stare at you with all the accumulated hauteur of Totten- hamcourtrodia if you venture to press past her gentility. Mr. Punch.s | sorry that the visits of the Princesses to their father’s best’ memorial | have furnished him with a text for such a sermon, but the ladies have learned something by their annoyance, and the public should have the benefit of the lesson. Beware of the Genteel !

MOTTO FOR THE INTERNATIONAL “ PRESS TABLE.” “* Eat your pudding, slave, and don’t hold your tongue.”

“ INVISIBLE GREEN.’’—The green in Mr. Punch’s eye.

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, U; Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. P: in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of Whi: of Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No, 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of Loadon.—Sarvapar, June 2), 1962.

~ <2 eon | fo \ici pa 6 te/eaae

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—_—_—_— June 28, 1862.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 253 SY SSeS Ser erin Ai i INGENIOUSLY PUT! “Now Master Bobbie is going to be a good boy, and watch baby, while I go and Hask great, big, Sierce, Mr, Soldier not to run away with Master Bobbie.” WHO IS TO BE CORONER? We really almost wonder that some French friend has not put it forth as his conviction that suicide is greatly on the increase in ¢riste London, basing his opinion on the fact that we | are going to appoint anextra coroner. What was the work of one man is now deemed enough | for two, and Middlesex is divided into West and Central districts. Further, our French | friend might write home to his newspaper, that by reason of the number of suicides committed, the post of coroner is as lucrative as that of Milor Mayor, as is proved by the anxiety we show to get appointed to it. No less than three candidates have offered for each office ; and to show that applicants are not mere needy placehunters, our French friend might point out that for the Central District two of the three candidates are a lawyer and a doctor. | Now, Mr. Punch being a Briton, of course is a free man; and there comes to him the question for whom is he to vote? Is the doctor or the lawyer the fitter to be coroner? Both are doubtless men of substance, and of some weight in the world: by which of the two feel you any preference to be sate — It might paaaee be argued that the duty of a coroner is to ascertain the causes of a death; and a the law’s delay may send men prematurely to the grave, the healing art is generally viewed as the more deadly. Somehow doctors have the reputation—quite improperly of course—of having sometimes helped to shorten a patient’s fe, and so it seems but right that a doctor here and there should officiate as coroner, since no men are more likely to know the cause of death than doctors. So Mr. Punch, as a free man, ieeeate his vote to Dr. Lanxester, who is a man of weight, and at the same time records hope that it will never be the duty of the doctor to have to sit on him. Having thus voted, Mr. Punch may very safely prophesy that the doctor will come in, and so he will conclude by classically saying, Finis Coroner-at Opus, SHOCKING NEWS FROM IRELAND. On Wednesday last week we received a tremendous shock from the electric telegraph connect- ght ing London with Dublin, in the shape of the subjoined announcement, which cau “ A true bill has been found against Puncn for sending a threatening letter.” The spasm, into which we were thrown by this most inconsiderately abrupt intimation, our legs being under table at the time, sey them up with such violence that they kicked it over altogether, independently of our volition, flinging all our papers about our study and spilling |Our ink, As soon, however, as our convulsion had subsided, we tried back in the Irish news, and there discovered that the Mr. Puncu of the startling telegram above quoted was a certain Joun Puncu charged with sending a threatening letter to ‘Mie. Hamiuton Lancuey, 4 road contractor. Our composure returned. But why had it been interrupted? Were we not quite secure in the certainty that Punch had not been sending anybody a threatening letter ? Yes; but the telegram relative to Puncn as arraigned of that offence came from blin, and who was to know what might not have been done by an Irish grand jury ? People in sending telegrams which may seriously affect other people, should mind how they mention other people’s names. Our own will be vilified very Aas 4 as it is, in being wilfully our eye :— confounded with that of this Hibernian Puncu, whom justice has overtaken. The question everywhere will be, Have you heard about Punch? and the reply will be, What ? and the wag’s answer to that of course will be, “He has got four years’ penal servitude.” THE Q.C. AND THE OMNIBUSES., A Ballad of Modern Brompton.* Sine the praise of Stang, Six FRepeRick, * Stave, Srm FREDERI C. Who bravely came and call for justice On offending ’busmen three. } Just because the Domes at Brompton All the world has come to see, *Busmen think to fleece the public, And to swindle StapE Qc. So one morning without notice They raise their fares all suddenlee, Hoping so to cateh the public, And Sim Frepericx Save, Q.C. BeacuaM, Jouy, a’bus conductor, *Fore Mz. ARNOLD charged was he For having cheated of a penny This here galliant Q. C. Beacuam, Jou, had taken fourpence, Threepence being his right fee, And in answer to remonstrance, He had laughed at Stapx, Q.C. Said the Beak, “ Bus fares are painted Just where nobody can see ; But for this wise regulation Blame the Government, not me. “ BEACHAM, JOHN, must pay eight shillings, Or for ten days quodded be ; ai This ~~ will stop his grinning At Sim FrepERIcK Siapg, Q.C.” Txomas Satter, ’bus conductor, Summoned on like charge was he ; Out of three pence he had swindled This here brave and bold Q.C. “ Once we used to go to Wandsworth ”— (This was Thomas SaLTER’s plea) “So, for taking coves to Brompton I charges ’em the Wandsworth fee.” “Oh indeed!” says Mr. ARNOLD, “This here dodge won’t do for me, wip Be bob or go to prison, d thank Sim Freperick Sxiape, Q.C. “A sovereign too I fine your master” (This was summons number three), “ Because of fares no proper table Painted in his ’bus has he.” So come all you British public, Swin tricks who hate to see, Come and t good Mr. ARNoLD And applaud his wise decree. But even more than Mr. ARNOLD, Though so wise and good is he, | Come and join your Puach in thanking Brave Six Freperick Siang, Q.C. ; Bravely he has fought your battle, Bravely fought and won has he, And in the cause of public justice Gone to court without a fee. * See Westminster Police Report, Times, June 16. Gladstone and Shakspeare. Mr. GLADSTONE was caught the other day in a shower of rain, and a sudden gust of wind blew is umbrella inside out ; upon which, in reproach- ful accents, he murmured, “I tax not you, you Elements ! ” DD 5 ae hares Nts ee cee teeny ae paces Npsetrig rane” ere

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y f IS THE PRESS BRIBED? uncH is not very anxious to waste his valuable time and his invaluable space upon ephemeral topics, but upon ideration resolves to to come. “ There has been more dis- cussion about the eating and inking at the Kensington Show than about any article there exhibited. A stranger who should read the news- pers, would think that we fad been erecting a great tavern, that naturally our first thought was for the kitchen and the cellar, but that in order to attract cus- tomers, we — st in some interesting objects, and hung some pictures on the walls. However, this is the lishman’s way, he cares for little in the way of amuse- ment unless he can somehow connect it with eating and inking, and it is too late in the day to find fault with that part of his esthetics. He, moreover, likes good eating and drinking, and does not grudge his money for the same, though he grumbles when cheated too coarsely. It was of the utmost consequence to the persons who took the Re- freshment Contracts at the Kensington Show that BuLt, to say nothing of O’Pappy, M‘Sanpy, and Lzegxs, should believe that the eatables and drinkables there sold were of an excellent description, and sold at a reasonable price. Whether they are or are not, Mr. Punch has not the faintest idea, as he never takes anything between breakfast and dinner, and dines in Grosvenor Square at 8 p.m. Some people tell him that the things are “‘not bad,” some say the wines are anything but what they ought to be, some affirm that the waiters are civil and honest, while others allege that they are careless and cheats, and he should be inclined to think—were the matter worth his serene attentioa—that the whole business is a little of the Scramble kind, and that you may do tolerably well, if you have tolerance and good luck. ’ But it was not in human nature that the Contractors should desire that the stern, Hattam-like judgment, into which Mr. Punch hath just condensed his convictions should go forth to the million. It was highly desirable, and in the interest of business, that es ’ Pappy, M‘Sanpy, and Lexxs should be tempted to the Refreshments, and should be incited to bring their wives and children. And inasmuch as no- body believes newspaper advertisements, while everybody believes news- paper paragraphs,, it was held desirable that the gentlemen who are supposed to write newspaper paragraphs should have the most favourable opportunity of ptt ing the merits of the Refreshment Depart- ment. Mr. Punch is inforni he has never [seen the arrangement in uestion—that a “ Press Table” has been instituted, and that whatever the public may get, at that Table at all events the cookery is le, and the wines are—or are in the judgment of the partakers thereof— unexeeptionalis. Pp ‘ ie ot iki ell, a good ntlemen who write paragraphs spoke of things as they found them which the song recommends us all to do), and did not speak of what they did not know (as mes wise men), and there have A amar @ great number of hs in which praises of the Refreshments have been enthusiastically emitted, and Bui1, O’ Pappy, gerne and Lxexs have been assured that the arrangements are rst-rate. Had this been all, Mr. Punch might have had nothing to say. It ogee have been an illustration of Humbug, but not of humbug worth on. But it hath been alleged that sundry gentlemen who write paragraphs do not only eat and drink at the “ Press Table,” but do accept their meals and pay nothing. That, in fact they are “treated” by the pro- ey, me = Forreston: a Regs = that in hom for such hospitality, and valuable are com 4 The charge was felt to be one of Bribery, and a sensation was created, and strong words were written down, and much good indigna- tion was exp in many cases, no doubt, h But the charge remained general, until it seemed unto the Morning Star to desig- nate one general uz as the "ofonsoe Him did the Star ees giving a noways laudatory history of him, and accusing him of being an PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL — [June 28, 1862, Irishman, and of other offences. After a time, somebody who believes himself to be the person described, though not named, comes forth with a terrifically long letter, in which he takes his own view of his history, It is not a savoury one, but Mr. Punch is no analyser of such narratives, ‘The only important part of this person’s statement is that which follows his avowal of his own acceptance of gratis food, which he says he has eaten “five times on the French side, often on the English side, but not wholly as a member of the Press Proper” (whatever the evasive jargon méans)— “T have uently—very frequently—dined at the English side; twice with small parties who were not paid for, but for whom @ vious consent had been obtained ; other times with other te wwledge, were paid for at the regulated tariff, I alone exe: which had been accorded me; not wholly as a member of the r, but on other and distinct grounds to which it is not necessary here to refer, it be understood that the privilege was given me in common with many other members of the press—that I have done less in exercise of this privilege than many of high position whomIcould name. .. . These are facts known to all concerned. I ask, therefore, why am I singled out for attack? Is the metropolitan press so unjust that to save itself from reproach—it reproach be due—it seeks to make a t of a provincial editor, and save its own character at the ex of that fo ceangert I do not wish to be personal. . . . . Else I might name names in connection with this matter that would make people stare at the virtuous indignation so seeieey ovemes. Since March or February the system of press dinners at the Exhibition been in practice—why is the immorality of the system a discovered in June, and then only im connec- tion with one who has the privilege in right of the ? Why, if qual banquet given there be immorality in the system, did so many partake of the a@ month ago?” ; There! The man signs his name to what he writes—we have no am- bition to add to his fame, so we do not append the distinguished syl- lables—but there is his statement; e, as regards himself, with evident and almost ludicrous unconsciousness that he is owning to dirty and dishonest conduct. But he makes a calm and deliberate charge against others, and it is for the honour of Journalism that this person should be shown to be what Mr. Punch desires to believe him in regard to this matter—namely, one who knowingly makes unfounded state- ments. There is a shorter way of putting it, which Mr. Punch will employ when the refutation is made, MOTHER POPE’S ALLOCUTION. On Washing Day last old Mrs. Porz the Fishwoman, calling herself successor to the Fisherman, delivered a ing-to, or Allocution, from her stall to a couple of Monarchs who have incutred her displeasure. It will perhaps be considered that Objurgation rather than Allocution is the title properly applicable to this discourse; which ran as follows: —“‘Sacrilegious Sovereigns. The malice which inspired a NERo, a DiocietiaN, and a Julian the AposTaTE does not cease to inflame the persecutors of the Chair of Perr, and especially you two. Our heart is full of bitterness, and so is our liver, all owing to your never- before-heard-of atrocity, Hructavié cor meum, e¢ fervens difficili bile tumet jecur. So, then, whst cam you expect at our mouth? Ve vobis, maledicti! Contemners of all law, human and divine, enemies oi heaven, spoilers and violators of the Holy Stall—We’ve no patience with you. ah, scelerati latrones/ You impious wretches, you vile sinners, you wicked good-for-nothing, Princes. Where do you expect to go to, when you question our temporal supremacy regardless of the immortality of the soul? Reviving monstrous portents of exploded errors; exe- crable, praeam, detestable, diabolical- heresies, you trample all right and justice under your feet, ‘There isn’t a pin to choose between you. Arcades ambo; non est in vobis sanitas, “ As for you, Louis, we don’t thank you a bit for your pretence of protecting us. You'd betray us this moment, you Jupas, if it wasn’t that you daren’t defy our faithful priests and bishops, for you know it’s as much as your crown’s worth. Mind what your Missus tells ror and give us back what you’ve allowed that fellow to prig. You yourself the eldest son of the Church! Look at you brother there ; you are both children of old Harry. Abandosed reprobates, Go along with you! Vadite retro, Satanas et Beelzebub, Get out! Apagetea dorso meo. Bad luck to you!—unless you repent and make restitution, you unprincipled usurpers, you heretics, you schismatics, you c0l- ty abominable hypocrites. Anathema mararutha, Fiat, ful, . dmen!” lt is whispered that if Mus. Por is obliged to remove her stall from the Eternal City, she will transfer it to Billmgsgate, “Bar Bar, Black Sheep.” THar eminent transatlantic lawyer, Mr. Epwm James, complains that in England he was under the cold shade of aristocracy. Con sidering “ the strictly private transaction,” as he calls it, by which he transferred a trifle of £30,000 or thereabouts from the pockets of one of that aristocracy to his own, we have no difficulty in admitting that there was _a “coolness” as well as a “shadiness” about his dealings w! the British aristocracy. “The strictly private transaction” was pre- cisely one of those “plants” which flourish best in the shade. ——— as

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a 3, 1862, — © believes forth with us history, narratives, ich follows has ys he ) side, but 16 evasive yu Col t, fat, I from | | | | | | | } / name of Garreatpr has been undesirably conn | trouble not only to M. Ratazz | The former has had to make, im | by Srr Rounpewt Pater and others, the House defeated —_ Jone 28, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 255 PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. June 16¢4. Monday. Recent Italian movements, with which the ected, have given great but to the Marquis or NoRMansy. e Italian Parliament, a curious defence of his own conduct, and the verdict seems to be, that M. Ratazzi is an exceedingly clever man. similar verdict is not likely to result in the case of _Lorp Normansy, but Lorp Russet admitted that N. had, for micen ae for asking questions about matters that did not concern RD broveHaM took the nity of informing the agg ory _ om GARIBALDI as a soli though not as a states- man, DW statesman he was a mere conspirator, and as a soldier he never ventured to expose his angry to danger. Mr, Punch has not yet heard whether saat has felt it his duty, in consequence of this finetion, to leap into Vesuvius, The Duke or Newoastie said and regretted that the Canadian Parliament had rejected a Militia Bill, and destroyed a Ministry, but the new Premier, GENERAL MaocponaLp, might possibly try another Militia Bill, These are no times for our friends the Canadians to shrink from defending themselves—what is that we hear about the Yankees and the widening certain canals, so as to ae gre-seate upon certain waters? That sort of Canadian Boat Song unpleasant to the lovers of true harmony. , - ; Mr. Dawson wanted Srz Gzorce Grey to promise to interfere with the Omnibus people, who are just now charging exactly what they like. Six GzorGE ref Mr. Darpy Gairritu, addressing himself to a matter on which there is no objection to his speaking, urged that the omnibus fares ought to be painted outside, so that people might know what they were binding themselves to pay: Sim GzorcE said that the law directed the list to be affixed inside. Doubtless he has the sub- limest contempt for such grievances as those ays forward by Mzssrs. Dawson and Grirritu, but if Sm Gzoree will condescend to go down to the Kensington Show, a little before VII., and observe the scene in the road, he will perceive that a good many of the folks who hg ve oer have a strong interest in the subject. i hen did Str Hueu Carens go in for mischief to the Conveyancing Reform Bill, and under the pretext that _he wanted, to make it better, tried to send it to a Select Committee. Which pretext beng expose 1m Hueu by 180 to 124, and, going into Committee, upheld various clauses which were successively assailed, Government are “ considering” what is to be done about the British Museum and the Beasts. When the Show is cleared out of the Inter- uational, why cannot the animals be put there? The longest whale will have room to stretch himself between platform and platform, and the tallest giraffe can stand up under the Domes. Tuesday. Lord GRANVILLE announced, with much feeling, to the House of Lords, that the earthly tasks of of Gzorce CanninG were done. Lorp Canwine had expired at the age of 50. On the following Saturday he was laid with his father in the Abbey. “A great and just man,” said Lorp GRANVILLE, and none will gainsay the words. In the Commons there was little in which the most resolute legis- lator could find interest. Scotch lunatics and salmon, and an attack upon certain features in the Income-Tax by Mr. Hussanp, who tacked his plaint.to a Fortifications question got f blown away by the great financial gun GLapsToONE, helped on the evening till half-past eight, when there was a Count, Mx. A, Surru and the patriot Dicsy Szymour, parties very likely to encounter Counts Out, tried to dis- courage them by having the name of the mover taken down, but the wise men asked this in a No-House, and were moderately derided for the Senatorial bull. Wednesday. The Bill for preventing the aristocracy from doing the publicans out of the price of Gin, obtained on tick, went into Committee, and Mr. Forster wanted the same rule extended to beer. He says that the Clowns who drink Beer imitate the Swells, and have no end of that brown mess chalked up to them, knowing that the vendor cannot recover. But the subject was considered too important to be taken up thus lightly, Mx. Marri carried an amendment, of which Countesses and others will do well to take notice—the operation of the Bill is limited to spirits sold = of not less than a Quart—so our Butler may be sent round to the public for a pint of Ancient Thomas, and if he can o t it, wi ot be made to pay, dear Brother and Sister en ie done, apaze! cs ‘The Clergy Relief Bill went Committee, and it is » mild kind of measure, intended to help clergymen who do not like oi polaron, or would prefer another. 1t will hardly pass the House Ss. * BERKELEY snapped his Ballot victory, a little Bill that not the least respect for Mazzrnr; for that as a res d| Wished that this statement could be suppressed, as it may jew Re a like a House, and of course was promptly ejected (by 83 to 45) a similar destiny being in store for Mr. Beexarar’s oon “A wool at Thursday.$Eart Russet upon Mexico.@He had declined to”ratif: a separate convention made with the Mexicans, because, though it on fair enough, it connected itself with a mo on Mexico held by Uncle Sam. Further, we had nothing to do with the defeat which the French have sustained out there— we had withdrawn no soldiers, because we never sent any, and our marines were withdrawn before the French decided on se action. propos whereof it may be men- tioned that our friend L. N. is going to work in earnest, and dispatches & pein: i ae men, ae eee Untle Sem t Y the noble ruler o' is t in his conduct, and now that he has separated himself from the selfish and cowardly Hritishers, d undiminished admiration. Touch- ing L Earu Russeut said that we were certainly not going to give up the Lmily St, Pierre, The Lords read the Highways ill a Second ‘Time and went their own ways. Government are “ considering” whether that gallant officer, Caprain SHEeRsRD OsBorne, and some co shall be allowed to accept the invitation of the Chinese authorities to go out and demolish the sav rebels who are devastating the flowery land, Some order ought to be taken with these ruffians, whose atrocities are much too frightful to be toned oe iar and er exhibition of the p nee wo enefici Doctor OsBognE wi probably think. P = 9 There came a joke out of the discussion in Committee of the Mer- chant Shipping Bill. % ER Gipson, in course of an argument, invited the attention of the Members to the Robert Lowe— which he said was a Screw. The Committee, of course, broke out into cachinnation—increased when Mz. Greson added, “But what is the value of the Robert Lowe?” Mx. Disrarti looked as if he should like to be called in as appraiser, r that came a debate on the very important question of Cotton supply, and it was very frankly explained to the Indian Minister that he did not do his duty in regard to the providing roads, canals, and other facilities for the conveyance of that article. Siz Cuartes Woop was decidedly of opinion that he did, And Lorp Pamerstoy, in alluding to the treaty with America for putting down the Slave Trade, d that Mr. Lincoin’s govern- ment had behaved to us in the most me manner, It is to be shower of abuse from the New York press, inasmuch as to compliment @ person ,on a particular occasion implies, in ill-conditioned people’s minds, an imputation that there are other occasions when compliment is undeserved. Friday. Queen Victoria having ascended the throne on the 20th June, 1837, it was obvious that the Lords could not properly attend to business on the 20th June, 1862. The Commons did not see the validity of this excuse for a holiday, and sat, off and on, from twelye at noon till one in the morning. Whether it was this long spell of work, or the detestable weather of the month facetiously called June, that made them fractious, Mr. Punch knows not, but there were two downright rows, such as in the old days would have led the parties to Wormwood Scrubs a few hours later. There is a Greek newspaper published in London, and called the British Star, and this belongs to an enthusiastic Mz. Xenos. It has merits, but the Turkish authorities do not exactly appreciate its chief merit, which, at least in the eyes of Russians and the Manchester School, is its incessantly suggesting to the Christian subjects of the Porte that the government of the latter is excessively bad, and a nuisance to be abated. So the Suuran’s Ministers beg that England will not circulate the paper in Turkey by means of our Post-Office in Constantinople. This is a request we cannot refuse, and so the journal is refused transit in our bags. The Russo-Manchester folks of course make this a grievance, and Mr. Macurre and Mr. Brieut acted to-night as mouth-pieces of the Greeks. Mn. Layarp made a defence which, if it had a fault, was too complete, and indeed went into counter-attack, for Mr. Macurre having abused the Turkish Government, Mr. Layarp suggested that the Government of Rome was just as bad. Mn. BricuT complained that the Ministers were too fond of assailing the Papists. In° the course of Mz. Layarp’s speech, he called Mr. Macuire “a man,” and though he changed this highly offensive epithet, and said that Mz. Macurre was only “a ag vl there was quite an uproar, and Dr. Brrcu had to whip both the boys. Then, in some Irish squabble or other, Mr. M‘Manon abused the Orangemen of the north as “rowdies,” and Caprary ARCHDALE gave him the lie, in the most distinct way, about four times, finally offering the same present in parliamentary language. Mr, RoEBUCK aie properly wished that Ministers would take a leaf out of his book and try to be conciliator and courteous. On the whole, therefore, it might have been as we had the Commons imitated the Lords, and had an Accession holiday, instead of an accession of bile, When Mr, crawled at the heels of his one, for secret votes at Munici Elections, slipped in also, To-day it came on when there was a Tue Porr’s Arrgat.—Am I infallible? Or any other man? = ~ Bg ET EEO et RPS irae i RE SMI Sa

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$$$, CHARIVARI. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON PassencEr. ‘* Extremely Disagreeable Weather !” Driver. “ Yes, ’specially for them as is made Drippin’ Puns of!” (June 28, 1869, PUNCH FOR CORONER. Mr. Puncn, moved by no selfish considerations, of course, but, equally of course, actuated solely by a desire for the public good, begs to offer himself to the Freeholders of Middlesex as a Candidate for the now vacant Office of Coroner. ; He cannot be bored with canvassing, having other engagements, e certainly has no idea of:humiliating himself to the extent of producing testimonials. But he conceives ;that the Freeholders had better elect | him, for several reasons, which, to his mind, combine to | make him the Beau Ideal of a Coroner, to judge by speci. mens, chiefly provincial, which crop up in the journals. First. He knows very little about Law. _ Secondly. He knows nothing about Medicine. Thirdly. He is utterly ignorant of the rules of evidence. = Fourthly. He is particularly short-tempered. Fifthly. He has large gifts in the way of twaddle. | Sixthly. He has an intense respect for great people. | Seventhly. He adores railway officials. Kighthly. He is horribly afraid of a barrister. Ninthly. He thinks every demise demands an Inkwhich, | Tenthly. He is an Ass, generally. | PUNCH .FOR CORONER! BOTANY AT ONE’S FINGERS’ ENDS. Iw the Times’ account of the last show of the Horticul- tural we read: ** Great curiosity was evinced to see the rare flowers of the hand | tree; which was shown yesterday in the conservatory in full bloom, | the first time that. it. has ever flowered in this country, in spite of | all the care and skill that have been brought to bear to force it into | blossom. ‘The flowers very closely resemble the shape of the human | hand, and from this the shrub takes its name.” We suppose this “hand tree” is only a new species of | palm? Of course, it wears nothing but fox-gloves, for it is | only natural that. such a tree should be Eendaadelets with Digit-alis, Tue Music or tHe Furvre.—Promissory xoées. LORD CANNING. DIED TUESDAY, JUNE 171H, 1862. OnE more strong swimmer gone down in the deep, But not in mist of storm and breakers’ roar : He had fought through the surf and gained the shore,— His native England’s wmdy whitewalled steep, Which he had toiled, and borne so much, to reach. Ah, little did we think, who cheered him in, How busy Death was mining all within! The while we gave him welcome from the beach. He waived acclaim and greetings of the crowd, And only’ prayed he might be left at peace, In pomp’s eclipse and toil’s well-earned surcease— Toil that had stemmed disease, and grief o’ercowed. We who. had seen him striving with the storm, Tn that dread time when England’s Empire reeled, Till her foes shouted: “ Lo, her doom is sealed ! ” And, as foul things round a sick lion swarm, Base creatures on sore-stricken England pressed, We who then watched him, patient, calm, and strong, Not paying hate with hate, and wrong with wrong, But fear and fury both serene to breast, We deemed him steeled of body as of soul, And when Death took his partner from his side, And left him lone, his weary lot to abide, We said the same high heart could grief control, That had controlled despair, and doubt, and fear ; And when we knew that his return was nigh, We planned him labours new and honours high, army going into trenches before Richmond.” scholar, took not less than 220 years in building S long period for the completion of a monument, but we think we know of one that, if you only give it time and fair play, will certainly beat it by half a century at least, and that is the Netson Column, Blind that we were, nor dreamed the end was near. Of all the gifts that England could bestow He has. received but one—an honoured grave; Where er ww ges in the Abbey wave O’er dust of English worthies, heaped below, Another worthy sleeps ; the black plumes waved Above him, cold and coffined, through the street Where oft, we hoped, he would in council meet For India’s weal, the land that he had saved. Not for such council, nor speech of his peers, Comes he to Westminster, but for his gravé, Where write, “He died for duty—modest, brave, Mild, when the good felt wrath, calm, when the brave had fears.” A Prophet Right. A REcENT American mail stated as follows :— ‘The New York Times’ Correspondent thinks there is a probability of the Federal The latest accounts show that the prophet was very right, at least to the extent of 2,000 or 3,000 Federals. Monuments of Delay. Tue Temple of Diana at Ephesus, we are informed by a classical i ildi This is certainly a Tue Tories’ excuse for not turning out Pam is that the ebantry is not ripe yet for a Conservative government. “Humbug! Dizzy. 10u mean it isn’t green enough.” a -a4rx AO HLOM DNOIV OD iHVH,, ‘A4v'] SXIaTO0g lll hanes 66 aera, Cee bs

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eat pies at . " see. oe = ‘ : ee ee 2 o Came SRS SOT ae SI oe PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Junz 28, 1862. ‘N\ WN i\\\\ Nt \\\t} y Mh j / 1h : Will / NV ee NO N int mine raer itil ~ et wdlittl Re 7 =i a ld a | =| ZI —— — | ” qa a WY 7s Y iis ~: SW t \ \S Sido “f 4 ir AN ¥) Mrs & - ey a) 1p } LEN ’ y \ s » PIG F oh Pg Zig a geen ne an rage, ex SR MML AM gg mn IG Yop neo egg USL A _/ Sth \\)) LLM Pe ee LL (fall UTA Mae la Opie é Scorptne Lavy. “HAH! GO ALONG BOTH OF YER! WHO CARES FOR YER MUSTACHERS ?” THE PROFESSOR OF ALLOCUTION. ations, of a desire eeholders Office of lf to the ct ter ele mbi ine to speci. als, by ple. . ikwhich,

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Axp-EL-Kaper and his Horse, 164 Accident makes Advertisements Ac- Another Author’s Appeal, 9 Apparition A: mated for (An), 78 ccounted for to Mrs. 19 Gallant (A), 189 Compromise with America (A), 18 Conscience M , 107 ona KR yt 7 & ih NY \ WN ON MAY ‘\\ Costumes of Female Natives, 175 Craniology o: e 199 Crinoline Ashore and A Crow for Ourselves (A), 213 Cry for Conservatives "rt 175 Cumming Bvents, 119 Curiosities of Commerce, 120 Curiosities History, 159 Cut the Cads, 0 ee Bravery ¢ Counsel, ys when we wore mang! be) 161 Death of a Non £ » Debates on the Great Betnonsteance, 12 ad Ph eg Reges, plosenter Achivi,” 174 ve Puffery, 53 Deplorable Prejudice, 172 Depots for Dypsomaniacs, 97 _———— from the Windham Mine, 47 Diner & la Russe (The), Direction Posts = the Populace, 18 Discouragement for Duellists, 91 Disraeli's Stories, 200 Dissen’ Processio’ Disunlon % Gurength, Si Do not call Names, 231 Door of Freemasonry Battered in “‘ Double, Double, Toil and Trou Dream and poy Reality (The), 200 Duel amongst the P (A), 109 ** Ears of Dionysius” = 118 Edwia and Emmett, 248 Electoral Facts, 7 t Omnibus (The), 202 Emblem of Domestic Bliss (An), 169 Employment for oes 245 less Resources, End of of Naval Wart War The), 184 English Manners tothe Preach Mind, Essays and coma 151, 156, 165, tc. Exhibition of Pr of Protective Inventions, +> Patan eat y Miniter, 38 Sra Versum, from John Bull to Miss Co- Pum bia (A), 14 for a Fair vi . 186 Fleet ie), 139 ie,” 123 Wine, 141 8 Jonn Bull (ayo French Portrait of John Bull A), French Pot and he el — m the “ Westm site,” 206 Frozen-out Sailors, oe Gatvanio Crinoline (The), 119 Gaol and k Gifts of the South (The), 171 ** Going out a Shooting,” Good at Fielding ~and at Hitting, 87 Good Popish News, 190 Governesses for the —— 41 Government in Government Office that at Pa (A), 150 Great American Question ( 190 Great Britain in Bank , 110 Guarantee (A), 48 “* Hat, Star of New Brunswick !"” 139 Happiest of Men {Tbe 108 Heigho ! Bacche Helmets for nek Rall 42 tleman’s Speech, 108 Hints for Pensive Puffa, 212 Hit at Exeter Hall (A), 142 Hoax on the Serious Hom to Genius, 142 Homeopathy in Hydrophobia, 9 Hooks and Eyes of Charity (The), 90 Hopeless Justice, 51 How Long? 166 How to Christen our Ironsides, 176 How to Train up a Child, 78 How Vulcan gave Armour to Taurus- Neptunus, 156 Hubbard Myth (The), 59 Humphrey and Humbug, 20 Hurroo for O'Reilly | 94 It Pio Nono, 178 Impolitic Persecution in Spain, 50 Inconceivable Fatuity, 185 Indifference of Lambeth (The), 199 —— making Verses, , 244 Meaus for a Great Monument, 1 The in Merry and Dreary yBngland, 182 Military Mawwormism, 103 Ca =e M ustrial Handbook for ‘be. Interna- | More "onal Exhibition, 209 Infallible meg | 7 208 | Infant’s Wine An), 88 Innocenee of Com mis- very Poway aoe y's kind Suan in Chamecery, 49 and te for Ms kine with a for Music, 183 Lapies and their Victims, 2 Last Word on the Windham tase (A), 58 Latest from Washington, Latest In ce of To Morrow, 91 Latinist’s Latin Verse (A), 25: Laudator ab Hiss, 27 Lays for American Lawyers, 37 Legal Profit and Loss, 230 Lenity Sropedy Rebuked, 82 Lesion of the Lungs of Cry Newly Discovered push 232 New Song Nicer Sort

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————_ 260 INDEX. [June 28, 1862.

One of Shaftesbury’s Characteristics, 117 Vivat Regina! 163 Artist and Costumier, 68 One word for him, Two for us, 69 = (and Vive la Gaéta! 100 Opening of the Great Exhibition (The), 179 Voices of the Deep (The), 117 Opening of the International Exhibition, (The), ** Volenti non fit Injuria,” 63 ), 64 é Vulpicide (The), 129 Ballet of Action between Sparkles and Wanrep, 70 his Friend, 132 Wants of the World's Fair, 200 Battue (The), 24 “ Warning to Westbury” (A), 84 Beard Movement (The), 206 —- to do it (The), 101 Cabby and Frenchman, 196 a rsburg, 32 Well-Meaning Writer (A), 118 Cabby in a Fix, 40 Correspondent, 8, 19, 23, &c. | Roman H Well Worth the Money, 109 Cabby Receiving his Proper Fare, 91 Our Neighbour’s Deceased Wives’ 8, “‘We Wish you may ever Seeit again,” 173} Cautious Driver to his Conductor, 243 119 What are the Bishops about? 80 Chip of the Old Block (A), 114 Our Noble Selves! 223 ), 155 What to Call it, 186 Clincher (A), 192 Our Own Correspondent, 219 and J What we Owe to Wilkes, 24 Consoling for Consols, 1383 Our Ro dent, 38, 67 in the Whimsical Error of pa | (A), 239 Comforter (A), 14 Outlandish Intelligence, 72 ‘A), 20 Whisper in the Earof the Emperor(A), 113 “ae Devoutly to be Wished Out-of-the-Way Journey (An); 224 Whistling for a Wind, 114 (A),” 162 Out with Russell, 181 4 ; ling, 21 Whole Duty of Property (The), 80 Cool Sick Man in the Money Market (The), 151 Woman and ® Gat (A), 166 Diner 2d la Russe, 94 “ Silence is Golden,” 88 | Wonderful Woman (A), 191 Entertainment for an Organ-Grinding for Soldiers, 235 Work for Penwemen, 27 Ruffian, 11 . J on the Shore, 7 World in Little at South Kensington, 202} Fact (4) 236 Yaxoos of the Yankee Press (The), 21 Fancy == t ot a Sporting Gentle- Yankee Classics, 57 man, Fanny and her Grandma, 20 Fascinating Gent, 71

Armstrong Pulse of ‘The), 171 Onemticns eek Cole touching ition, 229 the International 201 eS Essence of Parliament, 61, 71, | Punch to Lord Chief Justies Brie, 152

Boarding Schools (A),164 iy, 124 Revival of the = the Red Tapeings (The), 134 An), 197 a fumat Handa’ me an “ These Y Folks,” 83 _ “ This Comes ping,” 1 Hundred W 48 Thumb for a Trifle (A), 11 Tilt at the Turnpikes (A), 127 tain, Toxicology of Shakspeare Patriotism the Exhibition (The), 189 Two Sides of a “Shilling” (The), 184 UnBENDING Reed (An), 48 ee. — (The), 190 npar: gram, 122 Utilisation . °” (ie), 89 haa LARGE ENGRAVINGS :— Ben the Bird-Catcher (out of Luck), 217 Bit of Household Stuff (A), 136 “ British Tar” of the Future (The), 147 Boxing Der. 5 | Canine at the Westminster Pit, 125 | Dead Calm (A), 115 | Dr. Bireh and bis Young Friends, 237 | Great French Medium e), 105 |

Holiday Task (The), 65 “International” Difficulty (from Rome) Jonathan's Programme, or a Bit of Brag, 247 Law and Lunacy, 35 May-Day Present (The), 187 Naughty Jonathan, 25 New Orleans Plum (The), 207 Oberon and Titania, 137 O’Mannikin (The), 95 Parliamentary Python (The), 85 77 Peace, 1 Political Arithmetic, 55 Popish Organ Nuisance (The), 167 Professor of Allocution (The). 257 Retrogression (a very Sad Picture), 45 “* Sensation” Struggle in America, 227 Too Civil by Half, 75 “ Up a Tree,” 15 Vulcan Arming Neptune, 157 SMALL ENGRAVINGS :— Arter Dundreary, 186 Amenities of the Season, $ Arsenic Waltz (The), 54 Artist’s Difficulty (The), 108 Art at a Cattle Show, 10 Artful! 21

LONDON: BRADBURY AND EVANS, PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.

re es ees *“ Full Inside!” 4 Frozen-out Mediums, 153

Gentleman and Cad, 110 Grandpapa and Jobnny, 60 Harry Takes his Cousin to see the Hounds'meet, 84 Honeymoon (The), 232 = and Guests of the 38th Middlesex, 4 | Hunting nga (A), 74 Ingeniously Put, 253 In the Cloak Room of our Club, 28 John Tomkins and ’Arry Bloater, 152 Jones's Success in Photography, 230 “* Lawks, Miss, it’s Beautiful!" 172 Lesson (The), 30 Little Binks in his Fancy Ball Dress, 81 | Miss La} me nj ying the Breezes | iss Lajeune Enjoying the of Hampstead, 183 Missus-ism, 48 Mistaken Identity, 58 Monday and Wednesday Oragn.eth ** Mossoo goes to the Derby,” Mount in the Mid/ands, ie ' Mr. Stubbs’s Picture at the Academy, 220 Nervous Old Gent and Marksman, 18 New School (fhe), 146 No Followers Allowed, 160 Old Mrs. Ji rough and the Nasty | io oe) s 1 Our Mess Re tions, 242 “ Patet ars Omnibus,” 200 Percy de Gosling at Brighton, 246 Perhaps the most Impertinent Thing on Revord, 118 Pioneer (The), 173 Pitiable Objects, 61 Playgoer and Boy, 170 “ Professor Dumsteinkopf Studies Initial Velocity, 254 Proper Precaution (A), 166 Prudence. 44 . A), 216 (The), 101 he), 34 he), 203 Cut through the Wood (A), 124 Sketch near Leicester Square (A), 204 Small Boy and Swell on the Ice, 38 Seance ! (A), 130 and his Cod Liver Oil, 150 gb,” 121 Trifling Chronological Error (A), 163 * Touc >” 148 “* Tory Party ! (A), 176 Unpardonable Mistake, 213 Unpleasant Travelling, 256 Unsophisticated Uncle and Nephew, 9 Volunteers at Brighton (The), 180, 182 Volunteer’s Threat to his Serjeant, 223 Vulpicide—Base Indeed ! (The), 104 ‘* Waiter ! Here’s a Python's Egg,” 97 ““ Why-don’t you Come to Drill?” 78 Young and Brave, but Mercen: ul Worthy the Attention of Polite Young Swells, 222 Young England, 90 Young Sawbones and his Mother, 41

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(A), 124 (A), 204 ce, 38 180 rer Oil, 150 A), 163