Punch 1862-10-25: Vol 43 Iss 1111

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

- AT DIEPPE. Jones. ‘*H’m! Here’s a PRETTY TO-DO! CaNn’r FIND My Macuinzs now!”

MILITARY IF NOT NAVAL INTELLI- GENCE. A Powtoon ae has been made, from the designs of Captain Fowse, for the Vice Egypt. This bridge was lately tried on the Serpentine in Hyde Park, by the First Middlesex Engineer Volunteers and a party of the Royal E ang The teh ago — < the pro- ings informs us that the bri been ‘laid down over the Serpentine :— — *« The pontonniers ‘ fell in.’ ” 4 This was before they got upon the bridge, ob- serve, civilian reader. No accident occurred. Captain Fowxn’s bridge, we are happy to find, did not break down. In continuation, we are told that the pontonniers were marched and trotted across it “‘four deep,’ subjecting it to the t possible strain, which it bore without wetting a plank.” Although, therefore, our brave pontonniers fell in, the gallant fellows | happily escaped a ducking.

Fashionable Intelligence. THe new name for Crinoline promises to give that elegant style of dress a fresh lease in the devout and fashionable world. On dit at Paris that an Illustrious Lady has presided in the Camarilla, wearing a magnificent vestment, ex- tended on hoops of vast circumference, and figured with the genuine pattern of the San- benito, copied from the original design of the Spanish Inquisition. It is whispered that this pretty garment was a present from Rome in- tended as a reward of filial devotion and valuable services, to which its national and ecclesiastical significance render it a most suitable testimonial.

LECTURES FOR RUFFIANS. Mr. D’Eyncovrt had before him the other day a case in which two fellows were charged with certain acts of cruelty to a poor animal. To the biped beasts, for their conduct to the quadruped, the Magis- trate said— ** What ought to be done to brutes like you is this. You ought to be flogged up and down the place where you committed such atrocity.” Mr. Punch, though no advocate for indiscriminate chastisement, is of opinion that the excellent Magistrate was right. But it occurs to Mr. Punch that inasmuch as the object of all punishment is instruction and example, the lesson which Mr. D’Eyncourr would give to cruel men and their friends, might be most advantageously administered in the most calm and argumentative form, that of a sort of Lecture. There sheuld be no anger, no vengeance, but all should be done gently and with precision. For instance, take one of the above ruffians, and, undraping him to the requisite extent, lead him into a circle, to be kept by the police. His friends, the roughs, are around, but will be deterred by other cir- cumstances from any interference. Professor Punch undertakes to deliver the Lecture. He enters, attended by a broad-shouldered assistant, Mr. StasHeR, who has selected a good whip from the laboratory of the Professor. The ruffian, whose name is James Buicut, has been convicted of cruelty to a horse. The Professor addresses him. * Buieut, listen to me.” _Mr. Buicut probably grants his entire permission to Mr. Punch to visit a locality in which good intentions form the pavement. The Professor takes no notice of this permit, but proceeds. “You, Buicut, have been shown to have treated a horse with great cruelty. I am willing to believe that your act arose, as do very many similar crimes, from ignorance. You are not aware, probably, that when a whip descends violently upon the skin, either of man or beast, great pain is caused. I could wish you to comprehend this thoroughly ; and my young friend and assistant here will conduct an experiment which I am induced to hope will elucidate this matter for you. If you please,” says the Professor, with a smile to his co-operator. Seven hearty cuts descend upon Mr. Brieut’s shoulders. “Thank you!” says Mr. Punch, “ Now, Mz. Buteut, may I pro-

ceed, on the understanding that you are convinced that the operation in question is painful ? ” : Mr. Buieut, with a very red face, discharges a volley of very irrele- vant and irreverent language. “ Ah!” says the Professor, regretfully. “I have failed, but (apolo- getically) experiments will occasionally fail, and the philosopher’s duty is undiscouraged to repeat them until success rewards him. If you please, Mr. SLasHER.” ; Seven more cuts descend upon Mr. Bricut. , he rT here, hold!” bellows Mr. Bucur, “do you want to killa ella’ ” “Observe,” remarks Mr, Punch mildly to the crowd, “ the difficulties which beset the ‘eg He either fails to attain his object, or he attains too much. I merely desired to prove to our friend that this kind of operation was painful, and he jumps to the conclusion that it is fatal, I trust, however, to bring him to that via media, which is tutissima, If you please, Mr. SLasHER.” j = third application, by the assistant, renders Mr. Buicut tolerably | ocile,

* You now are convinced, I hope, that I was accurate in stating that whipcord, violently applied, hurts, Mr. Buen?” “T should thi was,” growls Mr. Biieut. “Ah! you do not admit it fully—only in a qualified way. You should think that you were convinced—you will not allow that you are convinced. I fear I must trouble you again, Mr. StasHER.” P But Mr. Buieut stays the uplifted weapon by a vehement declaration that he has been hurt like fun. . “Tf you think it fun, Mr. Bricut, I am afraid I must dispute the pe of your illustration, and offer you the means of correcting it. ou please.” ut Buieut expresses his readiness to say anything. He allows that flogging hurts very much indeed. 3 ; case, Mr. Suscer, and gentlemen, I think we may bring the lecture to a close. I am = sure that it will not be forgotten, and that, after this, no one before me will be guilty of cruelty, now that he bas seen the suffering it causes. _I will only add that should any one so far forget himself, [ am authorised by Proressor D’Eyncourt to say that the experiment of to-day will be repeated, with additional apparatus in the shape of a cat-o’-nine-tails. I have the honour to wish you a good morning.” Whether a course of lectures of this description might not be found available in cases of me eg ed brutality, is a subject which Mr. Punch hereby assigns to the British Forum as one for debate.

VOL, XLILi,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Octoner 25, 1862, FOXES MARTYRS. HERE are minds so destitute gard the most awful atroci- ties as funny. A Bideford Correspondent of the Morz- ing Post writes a letter to that j in which part of it appears ed ‘ Novel Capture of Foxes,” mn Sormmerncing thus :— “ The Braunds Bucks, or the foxes and fish-hooks, properly delineated, would make an amusing comedy.”? And then it proceeds to relate the fol- lowing horrible story :— ** Not long ago, James BRaUND, a fisherman residing at Bucks, in the Parish of Parkham, North Deyon, having baited a hook with a ling’s maw, ‘ tilled’ it on the beach to catch gull, or any other sea bird. He buried the greater part of the maw, which concealed the treacherous hook, in the shingle. When he came to look after his hook, and to see what he had caught, he was not a little > surprised to find a fine fox danc- ing and capering about at the extent of its tether. He deemed it the surest way to secure his prize to shoot it, and soon got his gun and bagged the vixen.” Who will envy the feelings of a writer who could pen such a narrative as the fore- going, and put a simple full stop at the end of it, and not anote of execration? But act of vulpicide actually speaks of that crime as if it be unhappy Braunp had the misfortune to catch a fox. He “got his gun and bagged the vixen!” What would any man of well-regulated mind have done under the circumstances? He would, of course, have carefully secured the fox, and extracted the hook, or got a veterinary surgeon, if necessary, to remove it by an operation under the influence of chloroform. Instead of that this monster, BraunD, shot the fox! . ; The hand that has once been stained with vulpine blood will be apt, on opportu- nity, to shed more. Accordingly we are told, in continuation, that :— - this historian of a shocking were a sporting exploit. T “Last Tuesday Mr. Bravunp had another and almost equally strange fox adventure. His fishing nets had been spread to dry, and as is the custom, the dog-fish had been shook out, but it is supposed that one of these must have been under the net, and attracted a fox out on a forage. At all events, Caprarn Braunp found a fine old dog fox rolled up in the net. It is thought that in his efforts to draw out the fish he drew up the loose net and entangled himself, and the of moral sense that they re-}- more he led to free himself the more inextricably he became entangled. On seeing the | nature of the F ny yg * Here’s a greyhound, Lucifer,’ said Braunp, and then, looking at the | fox, added, ‘Thee ’rt not content with faesting on Lapy Etwes’s hares and rabberts these eight | or ten years, but have been scouring the baich for visch ; I'll cook thy goose for tha now.’ Whereon, as Braunp afterwards said, ‘ the cratur looked so vashous that I vetched my gun and soun settled his vishing perpensities.’” How forcibly this wretched clown of a fisherman must remind the fox-hunter | | who is familiar with the postry of CoLERIDGE of the tale of that spell-bound ancient | | mariner who so ruthlessly shot the albatross. But the slayer of the albatross | repented him of his act. Not so the destroyer of two foxes. The writer who, ' ina tone of unfeeling levity, relates the slaughter of those victims, thus describes the way in which the perpetrator of that deed disposed of the Jast of them :— | “It was what is called in the locality a greyhound dog fox, of mature age,weighing 12}lb., and a as px shag in symmetry and appearance. Mr. BRaunp has presented the animal to a | Bideford printer, who intends to have it preserved and set up.” The captor of a dog fox, of mature age, weighing 124lb., and a regular beauty | in symmetry and appearance, not only yates the fox, but glories in the act, and | gives the animal to be stuffed and preserved as a memorial of what he deems a | creditable achievement! And the chronicler of his crime expresses the opinion | that it would make an amusing comedy. Vulpicide in jest! Fox-hunting readers, | think of that! Imagine a human being so destitute of every feeling of propriety as “* Parlez-Vous Francais?” Ir so, you will appreciate the following :— “ What has lifted M. Drovyy pz Luvys into the Ministerial M. THouveneL?” asked De Morny of Prersieny. “La force du génie? Eh, non,—la force d’Eucinin.” | the United States for repairs, has been | to conceive the idea of making fun of shooting a fox! money. ... | are 3, nation of liars, and I have told 7. that | teeth. chair vacated by ‘of a break, or it would have been | rabid and random career. THE COUNTRY MAGISTRATE. (By a Policeman who is expected to recover.) Wuevy a poacher stands in the Sessions dock, By a stalwart Bobby with stiff black stock, And around him gaolers and es wait, What a thundering Jove is the Magistrate ! O, how from his high and well-guarded chair, The Magistrate storms at the criminal there, And how does our garrulous friend dilate On Property’s rights; does our Magistrate. So stern his look and so bold his phrase, Such promise of valour his glance conveys, That you feel quite to think one State Holds you and that Magistra But if yon’d see See him bro y nl , s crowd hat hints wi ts mild disli pieces of slate * Brought up,” says L, and indeed it ’s true That bringing him up sae easy to do, When missiles t on sacred pate Of our terrible, terri fagi j Down go houses and stores and shops, Battered the brave in drops, But the deuce a thing but cackle and prate Will he do, our bumptious Magistrate. Those burning houses have thrown new lights On his worship’s views of plane gore rights ; He thinks of his windows, and stacks, and plate, And “ won’t stir ill-feeling,” the Magistrate. O, what a change from the Session chair Is the sight of the white-faced gentleman there : ** Hoping excitement will soon abate ”— What a thundering sneak is the Magistrate! But, what ’s the use of my making rhymes ? You ’ve learned the lesson ten thousand times, That the thing you buy at the dearest rate, Is the non-paid Noodle, a Magistrate. Birkenhead Hospital, Oct, 22. TRAIN ON THE RAIL AGAIN. _The notorious TRary, the would-be introducer to this side of the Atlantic of Yankee street-railways, Yankee puffs and Yankee log-rolling ane got off the rails gone to smash, and been taken back from White-Cross Street to t blowing off steam at Philadelphia, which condenses into a stream of dirty water, aimed at England and the English. The following Yankee flowers of p teeste from TRatn’s choice bouquet deserve culling :— ** The English are a nation of cowards, and have been so all the me | of their lives. Where have =, A ever fought? Show me a battle- field! . . . The whole country is pauperised ; they are a nation of gars. . . . You may slap them in the face and kick them ; and there is no fight in them. . . . Ought Americans to fight them? We must take men of our own size. We are educated as children, never to strike women or old men, and we ought to kee; hands off of England (sic), and leave theIrish to whip her. . . . t believe sincerely that Lorp PALMERSTON poisoned Pruyce ALBERT for the purpose of usurpingthe throne. . . . P. office at one time, and a scurrilous pam QUEEN, which he took to her, and said, ‘ in ten days unless things are c ’ In four days he was back in office again, but the QuEEN hates and has not spoken to him since Prince Atpert’s death. This is well known in England! . . . By-and-by Huropean capitalists, lords and princes, will be coming over here to invest their The English ht square in their I am going back one of these days to tell them so again.” From this it is plain that the Trarn we had considered shivered to smithereens is on the rail again, with a venge- ance. It is evident that, however familiar with smashes, neither this TRatw nor its Yankee drivers, have any notion up short in its

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OoroseR 25, 1862.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ' CHARIVARI. 169 SIR CHARLES COLDSTREAM ON A NEW SENSATIONAL SYSTEM. Most people will remember I was miserably “used up” whén some years ago I visited Vesuvius, and could see “nothing mit.” I then married, and within five years (having been blessed once with dupli- cates) T found myself surrounded by seven smiling olive branches. My old enemy was now pretty well subdued, my exnwi was rapidly evaporating. Still as Pore says, “Man never is, but always to be blest.” Occasionally I felt that aching void which a fireman’s might ae. apeaer if chained to a kennel when the engine turns out. accordingly arranged with the district Policeman to call me whenever he saw a vivid illumination in the skies, without : time. Not content with this kind of volatile salt, } have recently given orders for a Fire Escape of my own, and hope With the assistance of my gardener to be of sone service if my neighbours will kindly apply their lips 6 ie seaking tabée, which they will fi#d immediately under the Visitor# This is thé age of dyndihiés. Intellect has had its maith. Muscles are now 6# their stretch: Genits doubtless is very attractive, re- Round SxaxéPedke what bright to distance or sembling im that respect 4 magnet. icles gather! Genius howeVer is no match gymmasties, which er i mana wdly observed, oe liké @ blister.” The a of Baw, Wefore hé t6dk hits 6élebrated h niust 4 bey into id to a nicety what impétus was ig wey / carty poetry, an tne Tar and his ish gentleman used to také the Httlé cor ie. Pian mets eee oft | taney, wave shed fete ons Ty Sk @ tay steincd Bagi 20m Fee Bene bax grandmothers, with buckles, Bath a fact, Players now, I am told, have to pay 4 double hazardous prémifam on the insurance of their lives, and the Policy is vacated if they spring from the “ flys.” It 1s hard upon those glowing aspirants who can only catch notoriety by o’erleaping the modesty of nature. ee must be “ up” to the mark of public expectation, and must follow their leader, the Spirit of the Times, wherever that Spirit vaults. Fine acting was formerly compared to flashes of lightning, but I question if the electric fluid pur et simple would now melt anything more stubborn than a cook. It really demands a thunderbolt to “bring down” the galleries, and as for the pit “ rising” at an artiste, such a phenomenon is never seen until he is several feet above it. Men who have been admitted to the best Schools of Anatomy may have little relish for these sensation = poe To fellows less for- tunate a coup de thédtre is perhaps highly acceptable if it result in a brilliant surgical operation. It would not become me to disparage such popular entertainments. At one period of my life I would have ap- lauded the first step to a dislocation, and have freely encored the most Tendring mode of attaining a compound fracture. Nemo mortalium omnibus horis sapit. Thank goodness, I ean now live and let others live, no longer considering that those who hold the mirror up to nature derive lustre from @ spmal contortion or a cork arm. Ifa cow can jump over the moon, I shall be pleased io see her, bat I wouldn’t encourage my milknian to do it.. Some may suspéct that these are the morbid sentiments of an anchorite. Pérmit me to say they are mistaken, My prime resources in my hours of gloom are however of a much more perilous nature. ad wife’s mother, I rejoice to say, exhibits a magnificent hoop, of which the Periphery corresponds with oné of the larger wheels to Picxrorn’s Vans. I never take her arm without anticipating 7 momént to put my foot in it. Then I havé secured shares in sev new companies, and having paid the deposit money, and signed the Deed of Settlement, I am in hopes that with visions of a Chancery #mbroglio, anil summonses to show cause why I, Sm Cares CoLpstreaM, Bart., should not be enrolled among those Joimt Stock Martyts, whose namés will descend to posterity on the imperishable “ list of eontributoriés,” my mind will be kept at fever heat for some years to come. A little piece of land, which wanting a paddock, I bought of the reputed Devisee, my Solicitor now informs me, is likely to be ieeuited = the Heir-at-law, there being some in- formality about the Will, which was not at all signed by the Testator, whose signature was — 1o give it validity. Once in the vacation I treat myself (and only myself) to a trip in a cheap Excursion train, and seldom return without feeling my blood warmed, f a from com- passion for my unlucky fellow-travellers, but chiefly y indignation at those white-cravated gamesters, in the disguise of ing-Directors, who stake “ compensation” against “ dividends,” and play in ‘Tunnels and on Embankments with human bones for dice. 48 Tn conclusion, let me ask one pertinent question. So long as these salutary expedients exist for stimulating the circulation, why should os rush nightly in crowds to form a Society for promoting the estruetion of Tumblers from rope or wire? Let a discriminating hen i the Cymsasto fal they wil t wort only ng Sate Sache oy Q e : ey will at worst only lapse into tey, _ if per - their balance, it will be felt at thelr bankers, and not at their backs. INSCRIPTION, EPIGRAM, EPITAPH, OR WHAT YOU WILL. (Respectfully placed at the disposal of the Committee of the Hartley Institution, Southampton.) No. I. (In Bax Jonson’s iaiine?.) Herern imtétred in stone doth hie Of 8 fund what law lét by. Ab thousand pounds we know, It into Chancery did go, But ay thousand pounds, by gum, £ out of Chancery did come ! #réwell the sixty thousand reft d Speed ihe forty thousand left ! Or this, if they like something simpler :— No, I. I was in trade me for an itv en he was laid in ground. Prgesodings sore long tine T bore, § Will Was vain, Two-thirds Q, G.’s did bone in fees, One-third doth here remain. Or, if they are for the high Classical :— No. IT. - Hic jacet Bonorum Hartleianorum, Quantulumcunque E juris peritoram faucibus vasit. Heu, quantum mutatus ab illo Acervo Quod speravit Hartleius Benevolentis Monumentam, Bonarum artim fontem, Nominis honorem faturum ! LL. CM. legavit Hartleius LL. LXM. Perempserunt lites, LL. XLM. Hic conduntur. FEDERAL ROMANCE. Waittne to Mx. Lixcotn’s Government after the battle of fie 14th of last month, the Federal Genetal stated that the “rebel” army was totally “demoralised” and ufterly “routed.” Subsequently a New York telegram informs us that :— “The battle was renewed on the 17th by the Confederates with great vigour, y tee ~ bee four o'clock in the afternoon, when the Confederates retired, leaving the Conf te General LonasTReet and part of lis division prisoners.” This telegram itself is an illustration of the sayirig, particularly applicable to American news, that we should never believe more than half of what we hear. Part of it is trae; but that is only the first part. had deseribed as ‘demoralised and —an extraordinary army! GeneRraL Lonestreet and his division were captured by Hooxezr—who commanded a division on the Federal side—with a hook. routed. sears tape“ eerie ea Sree an’ 8. Yes; and the o We May say, laughed at—monkeys always excepted. The battle was renewed with great vigour by the army which M‘Cimimax |

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! / TAL! Uf} N t j H i Milli _ LY Ne: WE A A NS yy =) A SSA ~ SNS x “OA\ ‘ a\Y \\ SS tt y/) | A x MH! THE GREAT EXHIBITION. Sarah Jane. *‘ Lawxs! Way it’s Hexact Like ovr Hemmer!” LIBERTY FOR WISEMAN’S LAMBS. Tue friends of civil and religious liberty will be sorry to see that the right of the Irish Roman Catholics to the free exercise of their religion been grossly interfered with by the police at Birkenhead. _ The British Parliamentary Debating Society persisted in holding an adjourned meeting to discuss the question whether GaRIBALDI was entitled to praise or blame, well knowing that this is a question not to be asked in the hearing of the Roman Catholic Irish. é Accordingly, the faithful Irishmen of Birkenhead arose with one accord, and triumphantly confuted their heretical opponents by breaking windows, throwing stones and brickbats, sacking and looting shops, and cudgelling, cutting, and wounding the passengers in the streets generally, and the police who tried to prevent this expression of their conscientious opinions. As the Catholic Priest, Ropent Wricut BrunpritT, justly observes : “If fanatics choose to calla meeting by large orange-coloured placards headed ‘Sympathy with Garisa.p1,’ in the very centre of at least 15,000 Catholics, they must take the consequences, and be answerable for them.” Of course. So, likewise, or nearly so, says that ornament of the British Legislature and the Catholic Church, Sir Gzorce Bowyer. . Notwithstanding, no less than eleven of the faithful Irish, concerned in the Act of Faith at Birkenhead, have been taken into custody, and will doubtless be too severely punished, according to persecuting Law administered by Protestant Magistrates. This is too bad. These captives are the same gentle creatures as Canprnat WisEman’s lambs, his “dear Irish children,” his “dear children,” his “children of St. Patrick,” and “‘ cherished Irish children” of the Porz. They are innocents who ought all to have their way. It is not enough that the Cardinal’s own particular pets have been allowed to stifle the ex; ion of British opinion on the Roman question. The flock at Birkenhead and everywhere else must enjoy the same liberty. At Madrid Joszpa AtHaMA and Manvet Matamoros have just been condemned to nine years’ penal servitude for the practice of Protestant- ism. Until {the like outrage of Catholic feeling is equally punishable in this country, the principle of toleration, rightly understood, requires that the Irish Catholic mob shall be allowed to take the law into their own hands, and vindicate the honour and interests of their Church by a of spoliation and destruction, and by the means of and stones. THE BROKEN HEADS AND BLOCKHEADS OF | BIRKENHEAD. ; Is there never a single J.P. with a workin’ head On the Magistrates’ Bench that should give law to Birkenhead ? As empty as casks, when you’ve staved in each firkin-head, Are all of the justices’ pates down at Birkenhead ? Was it folly or funk sense of duty did burk in head Of thy Do-nothing Magistrates, ill-fated Birkenhead ? In worse pickle was e’er piccalilly or gherkin-head Than the pickle in which are the J. P.’s of Birkenhead,— Who allowed Papist riot to rear up its lurkin’ head, And the Popg’s Irish blackguards to lord it o’er Birkenhead ? Had sweet FataeR Bgunprirt the Pore or Grand Turk in head, When he hounded to mischief the rabble of Birkenhead ? One has outrage of Anglican Church and Scotch Kirk in head, But none like this outrage of Rome’s church at Birkenhead, When bludgeon in hand, and p’rhaps pistol and dirk in head, The Irishry welted the p’licemen of Birkenhead ; While specials and soldiers were chafing and perkin’ head pty pod wt al wap ges: in pws ail the sapien s gravely wagging and jerkin’ Agreed to do nothing to keep peace in Birkenhead ! So obfuscate the wits, so Cimmerian the mirk in head. Of those timber-sculled noddies, the brave Bench of Birkenhead ! Question OVERHEARD aT A SECOND-RATE REstavRANt.—“ How’s your,poor Lafitte ?”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Ocroper 25, 1862. Tn me " ‘ iss.) aul SVR CARDINAL WISEMAN’S “LAMBS.”

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; ul — «s SESE Maes asaeSHSSSSS BSG O45 Ra Fe Ge Oe Oe ee

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pom OcropeR 25, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. oe — 173 SPA FROM TWO DIFFERENT POINTS OF VIEW. * Dear Ponca, ** Spa, October 17, 1862. “TI pon’r think I shall ever come back. When you see me you may expect me, Please tell the Income-Tax Commissioners of my intended absence, so that they may no longer trouble themselves in sending me any more of those unpleasant quarterly reminders for non- payment of an odious, iniquitous, inquisitorial “But why talk of taxes in a place where such plagues are unknown? Here the only tax the traveller undergoes is the one that is levied on his patience to partake of as many pleasures as he possibly can during the course of four-and-twenty hours, Like a school-boy at a feast, there are sO many good things that he is puzzled to know what to begin with first. Would that'I could pocket a few, so that I might qui enjo them when once again I return to that abominable big seminary, called London, where the prizes are not at all eqnal to the tasks that one to go through? They say that school is the happiest time of one’s life, but I can only say that if all schools are like London, in which one has to fag so very hard, and where one gets so very little in qenanep eat or drink, I for one have not the slightest desire ever to go bael “In my opinion, the best pert of school are the holidays, They are the happiest time of one’s life, if you like. The happiness would be complete, if there were no Black Monday hanging up, like a birch-rod against the wall, in the background. “ Spa is just the place for a holiday. The little ‘ boys and girls come out to play * all day long. The boys are of all sizes—the girls are of all ages. From morning to night there is some game going on. Laughter is heard on eyery side, such rOmDInG SB racing and rioting as woul pelt the starch out of even a Quaker’s habits, and make him join in the . Every‘one is drest in his holiday clothes, and Mamma is’generally close by to see that no one dirties them, so bes can imagine that the romping is of that quiet nature such as would not ruffle the serenity, or rumple a single anti-macassar, of the most delicately-arranged drawing- room. The noting is gay without being noisy, like the chirping of the birds at that poco lace of assignations, the Pantheon Conservatory, in Oxford Street. CHESTERFIELD might accept the situation here of Master of the Ceremonies, and not be ashamed of his disciples. “The place is a kind of open-air boudoir, curtained all round with thick folds of trees, and made —_ with innumerable little crystal streams that do duty very well for looking-glasses. In this same bondoir every variety of ornament is to be found. The paintings alone on wood, make it quite a petit Louvre des dames. Work-boxes, fans, needle-cases, screens, glove-boxes, scent-bottles, are scattere about in every direction; and if you occasionally find a cigar-case amongst them, it is some gallant cavalier, who has heedlessly left it behind him. The air thrills under one perpetual serenade. You go to sleep with the sounds of melody whispering soft lullabys in your ear, and you wake up with a military band inviting you to ‘Come to the Fountain, where by dipping a tumbler into the bubbling spring, you can have a champagne breakfast for nothing. Health and pleasure dance hand-in-hand together. The celebrated Fontaine de Jouvence trickles down every mountain. People drink here, not only to get merry—for man the springs have a more‘ exhilarating effect even than the best ‘gingerbeer from the fountain’—but to grow young again. Invalids, who have drunk deeply of these re-juvenifying waters have been known to wash the accumulated snow of many winters off their heads. Under the influence of its gentle irrigation, a head that at first was a perfect barren Mont Blanc, is gradually converted into a luxuriant Primrose Hill. “The trees have a most magnificent effect at present. Green below, and tipped with gold at the top (for Autumn is Nature’s best gilder), they remind me, not inaptly, of the railings round the Tuileries, “The Redoute is a handsome building, whose hospitality is open equally to all. Rich and poor alike are welcome to enter. CROCKFORD’S in its palmiest days, would only look like so much gilt gingerbread by the side of it. It 1s clothed from head to foot in gold, like a royal foot- man. The gold overflows everywhere. Even the tables are deluged with it, I must confess a little playing goes on here, but every one looks so happy that I defy the most carping cynic to pick a hole in the green baize that constitutes the playing-ground. No lawn can look more inviting to gambol upon. What universal happiness! The ladies even lose their few francs with such a smiling grace that they could not choose a happier moment to have their photographs taken. You have all the newspapers in the world here, and if you are put in a momentary passion by some angry leader, you are quickly softened down again into good humour by the strains of soft music, whose notes come acceptably to the ear as the announcement of a large legacy. Floods of light and literature; a constant rippling cascade of melody and money, the one not less winning than the other; the most coquet costumes in the wor. been suddenly endowed with life; six-footed, fat-calved Johnnies in dazzling liveries, 4 la , u at every step ! haven’t anything like it in | Paces you, ie. Fa this exhanstlees splendour without its costing the enraptured visitor a single sou ! “T will write you more about this enchanting place to-morrow, partie de chasse is waiting for me at the fom, Piphe ey sounding. Adieu. : : “Yours happily, “ AWACH4RSIS THE YOUNGEST.” **Dear Puncn, “© October 18, 1862. bra “I am off to-morrow. I am tired of this place. The truth is it is a hollow deception, a snare baited by the devil. The Redoute ig a haunt of thieves that, once yisited, is only bon a redouter. The iers are enough to frighten one. Their long shovels are like vulture’s pny that clutch hold of everything that comes within their grasp. The servants have the villanous ap of banditti up in iivery, ey the players have yello like parchment that has : ‘ a fo 8 mus yy au deed io alge is not a line o in any one of —— are all counterfeit coun- tenances of honesty. 1 declare the sons A, Lucifer of this gaming ; caning en be by ae gene the photograp hic pearance e knave of ¢ may they have music all the while! Indeed, it ig wanted to st the consciences "Of the t—to overpower the gr of thoge whom they haye ruined. eft the place in sickening t, only too happy to haye my eyes to the reality of the wicked snare. To pe Mt the Ban the band, as the door with awakened indignation, was playing with jarring irony, “‘ Z’or est une chimére.” * At the bottom of the sumptuous staircase were two black looking boxes. One was mare |“ Tronc pour les Pawores ;’ on the other was inscribed ‘ Trane pour pe Could you wish for a better moral ? I wonder how much La , whose receipts last year amounted to 1,250,067 francs, puts into these poor-boxes? Not much, I fancy, for the trones were as small as a loser’s chance of ever winning back again what he has lost. Besides, what can an actionnaire in a gambling joint-stock company know about ‘ conscience money ?? “T would not live here for any consideration. The only talk at the ¢able-d’héte and elsewhere, is about /e jeu. One madman talks of being able to casser la Banque; another simpleton, as green as the cloth on which he has been squandering the means he has been hoarding up for months, complains of being complétement rasé. Now, he is drinking cold water. A day or two ago, flushed with a monetary success, he was draining champagne out of goblets. The whole air rattles with the sounds of play. The leaves, as they murmur, seem to imitate the shuffling of the cards; and the streams, as they leap from stone to stone, convey to the ear a ing sound of the rolling of the dice. The seats in the avenues and a//ées haye for their dorsal supports ees they may, playful representations of serpents and d or whoever ventures to rest here will have nothing better to lean back upon. It is nothing but stinging and clawing, and lucky is he who eacapes with a whole skin. Everything here is serpemtine, eyen down to the walks. , On ae word, when I tok he Pret pene this e of a town this mo saphatat Trente et than ! — ht Ait the hovecs ‘wep “Good bye, dear Punch. Le jeu est fait. I hasten home quickly to enlist your powerful aid to write down these infamous dens, of which a liberal Government, like Belgium, ought to feel ashamed, ~~ “ Yours, in anything but a playful mood, “ ANACHARSIS THB YOUNGEST.” {It is precisely as we suspected. The discrepancy between our dent's two letters is clearly accounted for. An urgent appeal for a spesdy ce at once lets out the secret. The first letter was written under the influenee of winning —the second under the influence of losing, when, to use the writer's own words, he had been “‘ regularly cleaned out.” Le tapis vert is dangerous ground for rienced feet to venture upon. We will take care that P hie J ANACHARSIS does Rot journey, for the future, sny further than Southend or Herne Bay.—Eb. } LINCOLN RICHARD THE THIRD. Sczuns—Washington. A Room in the White House, Lincoln. What did M‘Cii.an say as touching Richmond ? Seward, That ’ prone not long resist the Federal arms. Lincoln. He told a fib: And what said Stanton then ? Seward, He smiled and said, we’ll soon effect our purpose. Lincoln, He was in the wrong ; aud so in it is, SEWARD— Seward, Sirree | Lincoln, The slaves set free that day Should have been loosed down South some time ago. ld as though the prettiest coloured pictures in the Paris fashion-books had A black day will it be to somebody ! (Exeunt, .

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oad Srl NO oie PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SSS LORD DUNDREARY MARRIED. have mawwied you! !1” Z _ f “ tj vf MW ¥ Ad Ny ‘ie ares “Why, Georgina, here’s another letter from my bwother Sam! And Ill tell you what it is, | lish. Georgina, if I’d have known you'd got such a b-b-b-east of a bwother-in-law as Sam, I wouldn't A LITTLE QUESTION, } Tue ribald bankrupt Yankee Tramy Declares us English fools and knaves ; Sneaks, who when struck won’t strike again, Gluttons and blockheads, brutes and a Swears that Lorp Patmerston would make His way, by poison, to the Crown; But Tratn has hopes that Pat will wake, And tread the English tyrant down. The fool were fun, if not so coarse, So were the patriots of the North, Who cheered and cheered till they were hoarse The idiot trash he bellowed forth. We’ve crawled, no doubt, we Saxon worms, And have been trampled for our pains; Is it worth while to keep on terms With friends who cheer such terms as TRAIN’S ? \ The American War a Case of Scissors. Tue North and South were a couple of sharp = | blades that, when united, formed a beautiful pair = | of scissors, that cut through every obstacle that = |intervened between them, working admirably together ; but which, the moment they were dis- united, became a pair of daggers, the one turned murderously against the other. The thing now is to endeavour to separate them and prevent —_ inflicting any further mischief upon each other. “THE CREATURE’S AT HIS DIRTY WORK AGAIN.” Tramway Train has been vilifying the Eng- As he was known when here to be the greatest liar in Christendom, his abuse is received as the most fulsome flattery. THE IMITATION MANIA. E really wish that somebody would somehow manage to do something to stop the imitation mania which is raging so about us. People suffer from its influence terribly in trade, and there is scarcely a profession that escapes being affected by it. Anything original in manufacture or in art—be it a steam chaffcutter or a Punch cartoon, a self-acting ames bootjack, or a Lord ndreary—is certain, if successful, to be copied by the imitators as closely as the law, which is far too lax, will let them. In any trade or art, from a tinker and a tailor to a poet and a painter, any one who hits on an original idea, and by his cleverness succeeds in carrying it out, is sure to find it followed by a swarm of imitations, which simply garise the notion and injure the true interests of — and vacuities, thena host of Lord Dundrearies instantly arise and live by trading on the likeness that they bear to the first lord. A feminine Dun- d also starts forth at the Music Halls ; and, as coarseness mixed with crinoline rarely fails to please the frequenters of those places, the feminine Dundreary achieves a great success. When once a “star” appears in the theatrical horizon, a dozen denser bodies shine by borrowing its light ; and as the public seldom takes the trouble to discriminate, the copy is admired almost as much as the original, and people cheer the clumsy plagiaries they really ought to hiss. trade as well as art. Let a Lord Dundreary charm us with his whiskers | I Original ideas worked out in literature or art are far less easily pro- tected than those of manufacture. A pair of bellows is a visible and tangible production, and an infringement of its patent may be readily detected. But there are scant means now of patenting, for instance, a Dundreary, and of preventing feeble copyists from assumption of his title, his whiskers, and his stutter, and from passing themselves off as his brother or his wife. Other titles are moreover assumed besides his lordship’s: for the servile herd of imitators (serowm pecus, eh, old Horace ?) will filch the smallest trifle that they think will serve their end. The title Once a Week sounds well, so out comes Twice a Week of course, and this will doubtless soon be followed by very other ~ and we may naturally expect that the Monday Magazine will soon | treading in the footsteps of the Saturday Review, Such literary piracies should i stamped with a black flag, that people might avoid having anything to do with them. A PREPOSSESSING ARTIST WANTED. “My peak MAULSTICKE, “ Do you want a hundred a year? I dare say that you do. Very few young artists don’t. Well then, here you are, Sir, as the cabmen say :-— RTISTS.—WANTED, in a first-rate establishment in the City, a GENTLEMAN, of artistic acquirements and prepossessing manners, who is thoroughly conversant with the posing of the figure, with the view of jucing the best effects in portraiture. factory refe- . Salary £100 per annum. The most sat rences will be required. Apply by letter, post paid. “Now, I’m sure there’s no denying you have ‘pre ing manners ” (you quite won my heart last night by the graceful way in which you blew the porter-froth off before handing me the pewter); and am ready to believe that in the intervals between your games of pitch-ha’penny at Ribstone Street, you really have acquired some little smattering of art. Well then, as I previously stated, here you are! As for references, hang it, 1’m sure I and Jmmmy Bustier can s with satisfaction as to how you ‘ pose your figure’ (when you put on the gloves) ; and the black eye which you gave me a week or two ago was one of the ‘ best effects in portraiture’ the fellows said they’d ever seen. So don’t be proud, old chap. Your Finding of Child Harold on the Battlefield at Hastings is a grand Yen of —a- doubt (and so’s my cutty): but believe me, my dear boy, you’ll be a long w [Ocropmr 25, 1862, | | —

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 175

ere you make a yearly hundred by such works, and so you’d better sink High Art and go and earn a livelihood by acting as assistant at a photographic shop. I allow it may be aggravating to a man who thinks, nay, feels assured he is a genius with his paimt-brush, to ‘pose the figure’ at a =~ where they merely take sum q hundred pounds a-year is not a sum to sneer at—only before you sign | away your service for that income, you had bebter ascertain how many hours a day you will be asked to work for #. ** Yours in all serenity, “ Eraminonpas Easz1is.”

MOTHER POPE’S PBPTICOAT PHAN, Tue Petticoats, the Petticoats, the Petticoats for me, They won’t leave a poor old ’ooman robbed and bullyragged to be! Let them dratted eripliiem d do the wust they Se eee athe pee Mae *8 yo ies ors and suffrages but rot, "While on my side, bless “em, the Petticoats I’ve got— Yes, the Petticoats, the P: ats, the Petticoats for m They ’ll stand by poor old Mot org and the blesséd Leave them owdacious heretics to he: eir sinful praise On ith and manly foree and m works and wi ut woman. the men I mind! ach perwerted rubbidge! dear believin’ creeturs, and m’ s for their as Crinoline. Let Protestants take pulpits or, Old Mother Pope defies *em, while Yes, the Petticoats, the Petticoats, etticoats for me : Let who will have Narotzon, while f have Evcéni ! The wisdom of the serpent we’re t t to take for guide, And we all know what the serpent writ Eve upon his side : Where there’s woman’s mind fo pisgn and woman’s ear to win, You may trust old Mother Porz ie Per to coax and carney in; — She has priests in gowns and monks in frocks, dear souls, ‘to bring the female screw ! Petticoats for me, he men I’m sure to see. ah gee |

. > em to; And for the men, Lord help *em agi So the Petticoats, the Petticoat the Soon a turning round their fingers Had I England’s maids and matrons, as I’ve Ireland’s, at my beck, It’s very soon my pastoral crook would be round England’s neck. While I’ve that gracious Eveénte, for a donghter staunch and true, It’s little that her Judas of an Emperor can do. here Mother Pops once gets her foot, at marriage-bed or board, I’d like to see the husband dares boast that he is Lord! Yes, the Petticoats, the Petticoats, the Petticoats for me; They loves their poor old Mother Pops, and her blesstd Roman see.

MR. MANSFIELD AND THE MUSICIANS. “Mr. MansFietp, London Magistrate. “ This is not the first cane, a good many, that Mr. Punch has had occasion to applaud you, Sir. He was rejoiced to see that you did not mew regrets over the ill-advised ruffians who, in the Pore’s interest, broke peaceful Englishmen’s heads in the Park, but that you sent those ruffians to gaol. Nothing escapes Mr. Punch, Mz. MansrFretp, and though he may not express his sentiments upon everything at the moment it occurs, it is laid away in the faultlessly arranged and exqui- og | indexed cells of his memory, to be produced at the proper time for the exaltation or confusion of the parties concerned. Sir, you had his silent approbation for the mode in which you dealt with those Irish ob eal who are CarpINaL Wiseman’s lambs, and the O’Dun- DERHEAD’S protégés. “ Mr. Punch, however, takes immediate occasion to thank you for having deaft in a most righteous manner with a gang of street musi- cians who are constantly set on to annoy Mr. Baznacez, the great mathematician. What sort of animals the neighbours of Mr. BaBBaGcE must be Mr. Punch cannot understand. They must be some kind of Gorilla, and he and M. pv Cuariiv may take a walk up in that direc- tion one of these days, and under pretence of inquiring about lodgings, ticket-of-leave-men, or something of the sort, may have a good look at these creatures. For the state of barbarism in which they ate sunk would be almost pitiable, were not the means of instruction within their reach. That they cannot comprehend that Mz. Banzace’s genius is an honour to the country, and that his name and inventions will be known in our history is bad enough ; but that they must persecute the losopher, must endeavour to disturb his studies by hiring dirty talians to grind organs, or dirtier Englishmen to shout through trumpets before his house, amounts to savagery. Is there female malice in it, for such persistence in petty annoyance is almost below the malice of violent but forgiving man? Is there some vulgar shrewish Mater-

rtraits. But a} tho were at work in the house to her right, and Pasca expiring in that to her left a Mr. Punch eee p< rt But, i ~ rejoices to see an fined of |. ‘aes Forty Shillines tor so ing. A oa the same way, for ough the fines may be paid at first, the supporters of the Musicians will soon be Peeing bit to the tane of tan pounds tap oveunh’s annoyance. Your health, MansFreLp.”

A FRENCH FLOWER-GIRL.

SOFT HANDS AND HARD LABOUR. Henk is a rare chance for any active-minded and active-legged young ady, who wants a place as maid-of-all-work—we mean to say, as verness :— YOUNG LADY WANTED, in a farm-house, children in music, singing, French, drawing, and dancing. “Speed the plough” was once a favourite toast with agriculturists : but we imagine they now couple it with that of “speed to the piano.” Well, we see no harm in farmers’ Geagaters being taught to play and sing, or in their learning the French language, dancing, drawing and to instruct four . Address A. B, deportment. Perhaps it would be well if a knowledge of the dai pe instilled into their minds as well as of the dance: and as an addi. tion to their drawing-room accomplishments, we think it might be wise to give them some acquaintance with the kitchen, and supply them with, instruction in the culinary art. daughters mostly have the chance to marry farmers, it would be well, besides accom- plishments, to teach them their domestic duties; for however much young Corydon might like to hear his Chloe play and sing and talk in French (and the chances are the latter would be utter Greek to him), we fancy he would like still more to find that she was competent to give him a good dinner, and to take care that the dairy work and house work were well done. ‘ : 7 But granting that accomplishments are of use in a farm-house, it seems to us absurd to think that one young lady can progeny teach four children how to draw and dance and play and sing, and moreover to talk French. Doubtless hiring a young erness is in many cases cheaper than sending a Jarge family of small children to a school. But really there should be a branch of the Humane Society especially employed for the protection of poor Governesses, and for the prevention of fhe cruelties they suffer in the way of overwork. As itis, a Governess gets scarcely better wages than a common majid-of-all-work, and there is very little difference in the amount of manual labour which they both have to go through, and the way in which they mostly are treated by their missuses.

The Future of Yankeedom, Iz may be confidently predicted that the triumph of the Black Republicans in the Federal States will lead to.a rivalry in the struggle for the Presidency, between Pompry and Cassar, and finally in t establishment of an American Empire, under the despotism of either Cassar or Pomrzy; it will not much matter which, for no doubt the resemb| between Pompry and Casan will be very

familias who ‘ will have organs,’ and would haye them if Newzor perhaps especially remarkable on the part of Pomrzy.

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| extravagance which Scotc PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. (Ocroper 25, 1862. Lionex (to his Rich Uncle’s Coachman, who has driven him over to the Insurance Ticket with my love. I haven't forgotten him, and if SCOTCH SABBATOMANIACS. word that is fit to fanaticism touchin SaABBATOMANIA is the onl apply to the pitch of | g x unday has at last | | amounted to; having become a complete craze, the national mental | disorder of Scotland. No other expression can describe the moral and | | intellectual state of the frantic bigots, or raving hypocrites, who signed | | calling itself the “free Kirk,” was, according to the Dunde: a memorial, which, got up by a section of the religions body ironically | i Advertiser, presented by a Rev. Dowanpson Rose the other day at a meeting of the. Brechin Parochial Band, and read by the Secretary. This pre- | posterous document actually stated :— ** That the attention of the Session has been directed to a motion laid on yo ur table at last meeting to the effect that the Cemetery be kept open on the Sabbath the same as the other days of the week, except during the hours of divine s« rvice in the forenoons and afternoons. That your memorialists believe that such an pening of the Cemetery would be an unnecessary and gratuitous innovation on the sanctity of the Lord's Day, and calculated to countenance and foster Sabbath dese ration. May it therefore please the Board to refuse to pass said motion, and to ontinue the present regulation by which the Cemetery is kept shut on sabbath It seems possible that such a requisition as the above could only | have issued from a set of Presbyterian lunatics. The discussion of so | rampant an eruption of frenzy could, one would think, have taken place nowhere out of a Calvinistic Bedlam. The prayer of this mad memorial, however, was not only seriously debated, but granted in part. A motion proposed by a sane gentleman named Buiack, for opening the Cemetery on Sundays “ except during the hours of divine service in the | forenoons and afternoons” (an exception conceded to the Sabbato- | maniacs) was voted for by a minority of five. The motion of a poor creature, a Mr. W. Stevenson, for keeping the Cemetery closed as at present, was carried bya majority of thirteen. Finally, it was agreed on the motion of a gentleman ‘net quite so far gone as the greater part of his associates, Proresson Gutuariez, “that the Cemetery should be open between one and two o’clock on the Sabbath, and that the Com- mittee be instructed to make arrangements with the keeper for that purpose. Now then, if Hervey could come out of his own grave, wher ver it is, and betake himself from his present place of sepulture to the Brechin Station). “ And look here, Sawyer, give the Governor this Accidental anything happens to me, there’s a Thousand Pounds for him 1” Cemetery, he would be able to pursue his Meditations among the Tombs there on a Sunday only between the hours of one and two. This limi- tation would perhaps suggest to him a reflection on the shortness of time, and the length of ears which had prescribed the brief duration of the span allotted him to meditate in by Sabbatomaniscs. : An hour’s meditation among the tombs may be sufficient for people in eneral, who do not share the partiality of Hervey for that amusement. ut they, many of them, have a fancy for visiting the graves of their relations, which the working classes mostly have no time to do except on a Sunday, and the interval between one and two is pe that which they usually spend in discussing baked shoulder of mutton, roast potatoes, and onion sauce; or something analogous. Series The perversion of those feelings whieh have the highest relation, is a painful subject, on which it is well to say no more; except this; that unhappy officials and others who have got so bad as to shut the public out of a Cemetery on Sundays, ought to be taken care of, and that none of the members of the Brechin Parochial Board, who voted for the out- rageous proposal to close their burial ground on the Sabbath should be suffered to shave themselves, although they would perhaps get better if their heads were shorn. Postscript.— We are informed that the signatures to the petition for opening the Botanical Gardens at Edinburgh on Sundays were 14,000, not 1,400 as stated in our last Number. It, rejoices.us to see ti Auld Reekiec contains so many persons of sound mind in proportion to Sabbatomaniacs. A Musical Mechi Wanted. Ir was remarked in a musical smoking-room that Donnerpurrz (the thundering, flashy, coarse, vulgar, celebrated melo-dramatic basso) had been farmed for three years by a great concert speculator to sing in the provinces. “ Yes,” said Tittle Tom Preer, who always lays first fiddle when the theme is sarcasm, “it’s all very his Cine farmed, but I should like to know who is to cultivate him?” Tue Best Excuse ror a Maw Marryine wis Deceasep Wire's Sister.—Because he will only have one Mother-in-Law. Primged by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Whitetriars, City of London, Printers, at their Office in Street, ia the P: Lesdon.—Sarunpar, October 2%, 1863. im the Parish of St. Pancras,in the County off Middlesex, and Frederick Mallett Bvans, of No. 1), recinet of Whitetriars, City of London, and Published by thew at No =, Secor sta the Part of Se Bride, Cy ©