Punch 1862-08-30: Vol 43 Iss 1103

Page 1

Vol. I. of THE GAZETTE OF BANKRUPTCY. Gar. 1 to June 28.) COMPLETE LEGAL AND COMMERCIAL RECORD OF BANKRUPTCY. REPORTS, PARTICULARS, BALANCE SHEETS, &., OF EVERY BANKRUPTCY, WITH COMPLETE CLASSIFIED INDEX. Curer Orricz, 26, BELL YARD, LINCOLN’S INN, W.C., vue Disraicr Orrices, amp att Booxse.iers.

PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY. — meg eee an SOO ‘ ae a at c ‘ 1 oa ly ra J ae he o. } Ss Sh!) aba See Mliee = We uP one a (2 SS =| ial vl ai Ny [S4 mw VOLUME FORTY-THIRD. TE — ee i (| AUGUST 30, i mens Se a tonne ae oe) 8) ee Sa a SOA SPT Me TTOe PE Ce MENEN 5 hyp h rr $s | mi mall as H > - 2 4 ad ~ i al t Ss > n IW} Se xc Se Br We is ty nf a i Win wie All) 2 . \ ~ “a ‘a ‘ly tf \ » \ | ’ i) : se ‘is ii} i \ ! ff i valli | WD, >

Ss. ¥ P 4 , of Ws 5's PUNCH OFFICE, 8, FLEET STREET, * AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.

‘pe pedumg SONSdGZIUHIL ION

“Published Every Saturday, Price 6d., THE ARMY AND NAVY GAZETTE. EDITED BY MR. W. H. RUSSELL. * ARTICLES ON AMERICAN AFFAIRS APPEAR EVERY WEEK. Office : 16, Wellington Street, Strand.

Page 2

NT T STORIES, HUND nes RED BIBLE a: 300 Bible Pic- teres, « Pictorial Sunday Book comely bound, Price 4a. 64., originally published at 2s « free from Fievo's Great Bible Ware- house, icon * Quadrant. Every nave thes pretty hook GUINEA FAMILY BIBLE A FOR 101.—Joun Fie tn bas now ready a handsome Family Bible. with Notes, Heferences, ») Eogravings, and |0 Maps, bound im antique eryie, for \Gs., published at Tie A beaatefal gift book, only to be bad at Jous Fieco’s Great Bible Ware- house, 6, Regent's @ nadract 50,000 BOOKS, and CHURCH SERVICES, Altars, Juvenile Books, and Standard Authors, on Sale, Im every variety of binding, at jouw Friaco’s Great Bible Warehouse, 66, Regent's os iret TY SPORTSMEN.-THE GREVILLE SHOOTING, PISHING, or TRAVELLER'S COAT ( Kegietered), be the veri- ultem ia rvo. A gow oF Gehing-tot may packed or carried in it with ease. Game-degs or & panniers can be clapeneed with, & ing con- e4 apo entir new principles, with carrymg cpacttes equal to four or/inary shovting coats.— Vide hey w Spee . Price from We only of J cas, 25, Cornbill, Inventor ot Trowsers without side seams, tne ever made.—Vide the San, To be ba ratentee perfect trousers

Feb. 13 Registered Dress and Undress Vests, tae latest and novelties in Londen. Vide the Giobe, Feb. 14, Aer IN TWO HOURS the BHIGHTUN KAILWAY.— sprees ‘rains leave Vicorla et 950 4.m., 400 7.m., i Lwedon Brivge Wam. and ira Six other from each station daily. All these trains run aod from Eastbourne

ROWLANDS’ AC ASSAR OIL, for promoting the Growth, Restormg snd Besctifying the Human lair ROWLANDS’ KALYDOR for Imorovi oud ~ + atif gies the Complevion end Skin, aul Bends at utaneous defects ROW! ANDS" ODONTO, or Peart Bentifrice, for the Teeth, Gams, and breast Sold at 3, Hatten ey ‘and by Chemists and Perfumers. FENDERS and FIRE iRONS. Every New Design always on Show.

Ble k Fenders we . Be Oh to Je. 6d. onsed Feuders . ite. 64, to We. ¢ Fire Irons am G4. to Be. Every R quisive to r Pernishing at Lowest cape. Catalogues Free. Orders abowe @2 carriage free, aud packed without charge. Rican. & Jounw Sisce, 8%. Strand. Siiteae Co’s EAST INDIA , Daten Ales, « saimmee-"* Extre Stout, in ites of reputed and imperial measures and enske ‘gallons and upwards. Ale and Stout botched Agents, r expreasiy for ppmatiar-lees: & Co, Lime Street HOLLOWAY: 8 PILLS AND OINTMENT have the targest sale « eny Medicine. The Pills cure Liver compininte, stment bed legs, wounds, sores, and eleers. TROUBLED WITHA \RE YOU ?—Take DR TWEEDALE'S HOP PILLS, the fimest tonic restorative ever com pounded ROYAL OSBORNE M MIXTURE der = BLACK TRa Faanus, Som & Coy 44. and be ser ib im cambeters 14, Little Bower Street, Lamon. L,UXURIANT WHISKERS, Moustaches, and few weeks Lt YTION, the ot piailing in its operation. trial from the most — vinoced ef ite infallible power, le. 6¢., and Die. | on recep: Evie, vencburch Street, B.C. ¥. B.'s stamps. Tuomas N° 0 POSTILL'S the wee of Lie mulative NPAREI wkshire versus

i Fost Sance. warranted to — its characteristics —exqaui rite flavour and seperlative ity —tn et ( 1Oleseuls are Fs its edino enueant “The Only Good ce.” Small Semple on re- t of four Postage Stamps. Onedoses te bottles, ). order 12s: or Une degen ty. td bontles, Ms. Free. Liberal discount to Mi te aud Traders. Proprietor, Eowaan Powrits, York. Dire FORDS MAGNESIA pure Solution) is an excellent Ke- iity of the Stomach, Hearthurn, Head cod lodigestion, and as a Mild Aperieat for D theate Comaticutions New Bond Street, London aud all Chemists. HE IMPERIAL WINE T COMPANY'S Imperial Sherry, at 80s. ; g “68 Ports, 300. Clarets, Spirira, and queure at Wholesale Prices Cash goon Sample lot cas be had. Stores, 313, Oxford Street, W. near Hanover Sq ware.—Cellars, warylebone Court Heuse,

for

ache. Gou

| debilitated and nervous that I waa unable to read, write, or in fact attend to anything, with a onsness, indigestion, gat | fameies.—Cure, No. 64,816. Tne Rev. James T. Campbell, Fakenham, Norfolk, “of indigestion resisted all medical

Cuperes pints 4%. 04. the | | eld id’ labelled Packets only, by Grocers,

NO MORE PILLS OR OTHER MEDICINES FOR OLD OR YOUNG. “ We find the safest remedy in , DU BARRY BARRY’S delicious health-restoring REVALENTA ARABICA FOOD For Habitual Constt yspepsia (Indigestion), Palpitation, Acidity, Nausea, Consumption, Coughs, Colds, Asthma, a Twitty Nervousness, Biliousness, Torpidity of the Liver, Debility, &c.”—Andrew Ure, M.D.. F.R.8.; Dr. Harvey, Dr. Shorland, Dr. Campbell Weextract a few out of 58,000 Cures :—Cure No. bs, 216 of the Marchioness de Bréhan, Paris, 17th April, 1862.—* In consequence of a liver complaint, | was wasting away for seven years, and so nervous palpitation all over, bad digestion, tant ess, and the most intolerable nervous agitation which preven'ed even my sitting down for hours together. The noises of the street, aud even the voice of my maid, annoyed me. I felt dreadfully low spirited, end all intercourse with the world had become painful to me Many medical men, English as well as French, had ribed for me invain In despair I took to Do Barney's Revalenta Arabica, and lived on this delicious food for three months. The good God be praised: it has | —— revived me, | am myself again, andable to make amd receive visits and resume my | oe cial position Accept, Sir, the assurance of my deepest gratitude and of my highest consider- ation —MaarcHionsss pt Brawax.” Cure, No. 1,771. Lord Stuart de Decies, of many years’ dyspepsia. —No 49, ses. a = Wit youd indescribable agony from dyspepsia, mervegsness, asthma, coug spastos, sickness, and vomiting. Maria Jely.”—Cure, No. 58,816, PField- Marshal ‘the Duke of Piuskew, of dyspepsia, constipation, nervousness, liver ¢omplaints.—Oure, No. 47,121. Miss Elisabeth Jacobs, of extreme nerv h low spirits, and nervous

and torpidity of the liver, which had fully answered.” In tina, 1 ib., 2s. Od. ; 2 Ib., 4a. 6d. ; 5 Ib., Ls. ; Baray Ov Bazrvy & Oo., No. 77, Regent treatment ; inquiries will be cheer- 12lb., 22s. Super refined quality, 10 lb., 332.— Street, London: 26, Place Vendome, Paris ; 12,

Also Fortwom & ‘Masox, Purveyors to Her Majesty. SECOND HAND SILVER PLATE. Rue de! r Empereur, Bruss «ls. 222, REGENT STREET, LONDON, AND 67, & 68, KING WILLIAM STREET, LONDON BRIDGE. MAPPIN BROTHERS MAKE THE MOST LIBERAL ALLOWANCE FOR OLD SILVER PLATE, | EITHER FOR CASH OR IN EXC HANGE FOR GOODS.

@ Hommopathic Practitioners, and the Medical Profession generally, recommend Cocoa as beng the most healthful of all beverages. When the doctrine of Homeopathy was firet intro- duced tuto this country, there were to be obtained no preparations of Cecoa either attractive to the taste or acceptable t» the stomach; the nut was either supplied in its crude state, er so unskelfatly manufactured as to obtain little notice. JAMES EPPS, of London, H »mcopathic Coemist, was induced in the attention t. this subject, and at length succeeded, with the assistance of eb being tre first to produce an article PoR« in ite composition, and so refined by the perfect trita- ration it receives ia the prucess it passes thrbugh, as to be acceptable to the delicate stomach, seni DESIRABLE BREAKFAST BEVERAGE. FOR GENERAL USE, EPPS’S COCOA 18 DISTINGUISHED FoR Its DELICIOUS AROMA, GRATEFUL SMOOTHNESS, and INVIGORATING POWER; And to these qualities it is indebted for the ad. ption it now obtains as a BREAKFAST BEVERAGE. DIRSCTIONS.—Mix, im a breakfast cup, two tea-spoon‘uls of the Powder with as much ‘cow Milk as will form « stiff paste; then, ric. uP with BoiLinc Milk, or Milk and Water in equal portions, or Water 2 t., 4 Ib., and 1 lb. Packets, at is. 6d. per ib. Confectiamers, and Draggista, in every town throaghout the United Kingiom M ANUFACrORY: LONDON, ear 1839, to tarn his NO HOME WITHOUT AMUSEMENT.

3ls. 6d. complete. Tlustrated Catalogues of Games free on application. ASSER } AND SH ERWIN, 81, Strand, London, W.C. POCKET SIPHONIA DEPOT.—EDMISTON AND SON, Sole Manufacturers of the 1202. Waterproof Coat for India, guaranteed not to be sticky, mo matter the climate it is subject to. From 42s., all silk 50s, to 65s. Measurement required, the length and size round the chest. Knapsacks tor Tourists, 18s. 6d. FISHING STOCKINGS, 21s. to 25s. per pair. 5, COHARING GROSS, late 69, STRAND. CHARGE MADE FOR STAMPING PAPER and ENVELOPES with AR nave, or TNITIALS.—RO abd adhesive Exvevores: at o—_ 4 —_ — five hart a PE. “ cream for fd.; thick ditto, five 3, WED DING NV ELO vite TIONS te "the ne CEREMONE _ pa At NTED and

WEUDING Cakbs, pw UNER and BA STAMP D> in SILVE with ARMS or © Est PLATE ELEGANTLY ENGRAVE ween Gai DS PRi wiih Observe, at as

ert var RODRIGUES well-known Establishment , 42, Piceadilly, two door from Sackville . w.

ST WOOLLEN anaes AD NEWEST FASHION. mrate a ia | mF

DINING, AND, ,DRAWIRG

EXHIBITION OF 1862. J% EPH RODGERS SONS CUTLERY.—J

= bony BROvgS a to annaee | SWow eae ee ear m+ large and TOCK OF CUTLERY. fog the Maoutactory of Mussus. Josera Rovouns 4 —— ‘ing of ey | Table Knives, Demer mives, Knives, Pem and Pocket Kier, Busting and Fishing Knives, Scissors, ors of every kind, Needies, and every damns Soy est End ee 7 Esocuns & Sons’ Cutlery, | mt = sOENy, = > // . 6 , — § Ss - So nx SAMUEL BROTHERS, "Row SER?” a ARE UNA

Q = z < ~A DP ~ Nacerh La Par [ INNER st RVICES

LoUueUx TooTl 1A, TIC-DOU KREUK, TOOTH i. = CLARE'S 4 NEURALGIC for REURALG

ett St Tae

RICES GLYCERIN® —— any Chemist in 4 /b.

BAGATELLE BOARDS OF THE FINEST MANUFACTURE FROM | 5"

ot whieh are mr ecopsule, ber be ole Vauxests, Leadon, 8. ATRINSORS PATEN! STBEL hite as ines’ ys feng eeaed be = 9 J. P Wesrwas, as. drt San Bon asl co nll LES Us eee a Ormond My ~ ve of Medicine Vor Sore te Nove si We tod. 20 4. 44. and the “1 mark’é it well, ‘twas black as jet.” LESSEY'S MARKING INK. Established in 1832. An intense blac by Ds. 4

rays ose © img per J. Lawen, 7, High Street, Mary E FOR G APART. MENTS IserantLy A Alost AGREEABLY.—The Pastilies A

most de perfume immedia os veins lighted Hietous me im: fely on being py are the most camly coum of all famigaing *, cape pe Bund Street.

Page 3

30. fo |atp ele fs |p at? 3 Aveust 30, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 83 ATROCITIES OF THE LAW, THE Times, with good reason, traces RourE.y’s career of crime to the original error com- mitted by his father in marrying his mother too late. That error, however, might have been : — ¥~ for the law =e eg old -| Rourex. from repairing it. The law of Scot- land would have enabled him to make the 4 : reparation. w works well t and there is nothing to forbid ito cotablischaeest in England but the pigheadedness which cries Nolumus leges Anglia mutari, right or wrong, and the abstract love of injustice which has re- | sisted so many reforms, which taxes earnings " at the a rate as ol and gous a '| landlord whose rent is unpaid to seize t Hh || of his tenant’s lodger. oe | | Evident, Per Se. Wovutp Mr. Cowrgr make a good Chancellor of the Exchequer ? Certainly. What makes you think so? Because he would always be able to make both | ends meet. How so? Because he never opens his mouth without putting his foot in it. A Real Blockade—That which is keeping Foxp Morusr (alluding to the little Prodigy in the pork-pie hat, who will insist on frater- | Patriots in America. nising with Jongs). ‘‘ Bless her little heart, she is so fond of boys, she is.” A Paper Blockade—That which is keeping [No wonder Jones and his cigar disagree after that ! | truths out of America. NEWS AT LAST FROM AMERICA. From a recent number of the New York Herald, we take the following astounding piece of intelligence :— “They (the American people) know that when this rebellion began the aristocrats of England took advantage of the chance to destroy us, and joined heart and hand with the slaveholding rebels. They know that this rebellion was born in Exeter Hall, nurtured b pan age aristocracy, armed from English arsenals, and sup- ported by English y and assistance.” _ This is the first genuine bit of news we have received from America since the war broke out. It is all news, for we must confess that every item it alludes to is to us completely new—so much so, that if it had not been for the kindness of the New York Herald, we probably never should have heard a word about it. For the future, we shall rely on American papers only for our supply of English intelligence. They con- tain a great more our stupid hum-drum home-grown journals, that slavishly restrict themselves to the truth. How true it is that one must go abroad to learn the news! We wish that our Scotch-American friend, the Herald, had carried its kindness a little further. We should like to have been furnished with the names of these same “ aristocrats of England,” who are so anxious to “destroy” the Northerners, and it would also hay that they are accused of being joined “heart and hand” with; for it strikes us that their hands and hearts, to be-able to stretch so far, must have properties of expansion not less elastic than the principles of truth such as are generally observed in an American newspaper office, like the one wé have gratefully quoted from above. Other mteresting particu- lars are similarly wanting, the absence of which leaves the information sadly incomplete. Why not have let us into the secret as to who were | woman can be. The contest for mastery it | and elaborate eloquence of her spouse, if it does not si | keeps her in men ana ‘for a peccant friend—and the battle is given to the hands of his wife. | It is worth going to the play for the sake of bearing one speech of the nurses and anxious parents who assisted at Exeter Hall at the birth of the above-mentioned “rebellion?” Exeter Hall has many wicked, reprehensible things to answer for, but we little suspected that anything could be laid at its doors that was half so monstrous as the civil war that is at present casting a blot on America almost as black as that of slavery itself! Then, who are the members of “ the English aristocracy,” we are anxious to who so fondly nurtured this rebellion? Out of justice to the House of Lords, their names should not be kept unre- vealed, any more than “ the lish arsenals,” which supplied the arms, should be shielded from public obloquy. The information might be pointedly conveyed through the medium of a Who killed Cock Robin ? ballad, and such a poetic form would admit of the additional richness of illustration. In some future edition, we hope that Mr. Goxpoy Bexyerrt will fill up these >= nes, and we will promise him that they will produce in England an effect fully equal to that of any sensation that was ever spiced up at New York to meet a depraved appetite in his highly-seasoned columns. We trust these omissions will shortly be supplied, as we should be sorry to look upon the above startling information as baving no more | value or voliability attached to it than if it were a common Government despatch, or a war bulletin, or “ Anornen Gionious Victory” con- cocted in some back-office in the Broadway. In addition to the other calamities inflicted on the country by the war, we hope that the sound of - 2 anaes has - the Truth — a rer The next mail will bring us forting assurance that she is still tarrying yet awhile in the Rditor’s room of the New York Herald, SOME GOOD ACTING. ve pleased us to have been told who are the same “rebels” | very dexterously, from a French store-house, with a | believe that you had Morals.” | he has seen for many a night. He has A Goop Man st ing with difficulties is said by the ancients to be a sight the gods lov It served such ill-natured deities right to be | abolished. Bat what shall be said of the sight of a good Woman in such | a condition ? Not only the gods of our time, but the pit and boxes also | revel in the spectacle. Mr. Punch owns to having enjoyed it also, and mentions the St. James’s Theatre as the /ocale, and Mus. Frank Matrnews as the Woman. Go and see her. She has been ites, we in which a woman’s struggle ype a wife’s sacred duty of submission, is so set out, that, al the accident which gives the rebellious female a temporary triumph brings disaster to her innocent lord, you cannot grudge her the victorious innings for which she has worked so well, and you are with her, even in the moment when the truth comes out and she is repentant—or as repentant as a defeated and therefore injured is well w: and the majestic lence ber, at least —but in an evil moment he becomes love’s ambassador vindictiveness. “'That you were a Brute, Mn. intensely condensed | Kerr Mupezow, | have long known. That your personal ap is the reverse of attractive is beyond dispute. But I did—yes—I did Ue. a hae oat ~ faintest + | in @ paragraph which is not only a Puff, but meant to be, | deatgned to send people to see Bristol Diamonds, and with the same f+y--, § he begs to return thanks to Mas. Frank, and to |her brave but unfortunate husband, for some of the best comic acting praised Endymion before, but a silvery vision of Diana, or Miss Hexsert, or both, has been gliding ' through his dreams, and rendering them extra-beatitic. VOL, XLII. K na hia ethmcaiemagaee acme emerge naan SN Ss at STS Ss Se een neat aca ta cea en eee Aaa aS eel legmenaiitense = os } } :

Page 4

Fig ey 5 S4 _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A MANUFACTURED ARTICLE. | brated artists, and feels that the idea of his correspondent | ie Come, Public, this is} the slack season, and turn about is fair lay. Mr. Punch as een working joyfully for you all the year, and mow the Immor- tal wants to sit on the beach and throw harmless stones into smiling waves. Sup- ose you work fer | vim a little. You are always sending him tons of contributions and (by reason whereof seven of his buttermen have successively retired | with large fortunes), and now he will over- haul a handful of the day’s letters from you, | ‘This is the first that comes to hand :— “Sir,—I send for the firet time a contribution to your journal: ‘ His- Tory or Ewso.anp.’—A schoolboy whilst writing out the reign of Mary rahe First, made a blot om the paper with Lis | pen, and said, ‘ There’s a [Aveusr 30, 1862. is so vigorous that it needs no pictorial illustration. He trusts to hear that garotting is at anend. Who comes next ? A Poet. Ha! Letussee. Poetry is acceptable at this season. “ RHYMES ON THE POACHING BITA.. “ And now I have a song to sing, a song I'll sing to you, Of occurrences that happened in eighteen-sixty-two ; - Of « Bill in faet that was brought in towards the close of session, Of course, for the man who brought it in was called Sm Baupwiy Letonron (late one).” Hm! Well—yes—and there are three pages more. On | the whole, perhaps, we ’il only taste the Pierian spring this | time, with thanks tothe Yorkshire lad who has turned it on. Ah! this is something Jike a correspondent. He supplies both picture and wit. him! We can’t well use his picture, and regret it, for the work is grand in conception and conscientious in execution. It represents a butcher's boy leaning on a tray, and another boy behind him, pinching him. _ The letter-press is to be as follows :— ‘* First Boy singing the song of ‘ The Lively Flea,’ and at the same time pinching the Seeond Boy into the window of a shop when the First Boy came up and com menced pinching him as hard as he could, crying out that it was only a lively flea.” , ia! ha! ba! Very smart, indeed. Happy to hear from W.P. H. again. Now come a lot of advertisements. Eh, what’s this? It’s genuine and cut from some local print :— FEMALE wanted, with exceedingly thick full lips (it will be quite useless for any others to apply), as Attendant upon, and Model to a Gentleman Artist; a coloured woman, or a poor widow preferred ; good wages given. Apply by letter only, stding age, address, and particulars to, &. Would not the Cleopatra in the International answer Second Boy was peaceably looking | re on an ae "y/ the gentleman’s purpose. She is not, like her neighbour os ~ | the Venus, a coloured woman, and CieopatTra was rather A very nice boy,and | @ rich than a poor widow; but the coveted lips are there. we shall be glad to | Another advertisement, all the way from Central India hear of him again. | If it had been red ink now—Sanguinary Mary—ha! ha! ha! bat he will! improve, he will improve. Number 2. This comes from Manchester, and in the corner of the note is a pair of compasses straddling over a square, which accounts for the mysterious character of the communication. We print it intact :— Facetious Swell (taking his morning’s gill). Your beer is rather tart, old fellaw. “ Landlord. \t's the hage, and not the weathaw (? weather.) ” | Punch has not the faintest idea as to what his correspondent means, but om readers may be more lucky. Gills used to mean collars, but we don’t understand what beer has to do with collars. But we did not sit down to think, but to make | an article From Manchester to Liverpool is but a step, we believe, and the next we take up| is dated from the latter city. | “STREET SCENE, “ PLace.—Nusical Instrument Shop, —— Street, Liverpoo “Tine. —Friday, August 2ist, 1862 Enter Customer. Ah! Have you any first class instruments ? wopkeeper. Oh, yes Sir, best stock in town, ean't be beat, Sir Oustomer. Can t be beat? Oh, then, you won't suit me, for | want a drum Shopkeeper’s surprise may be imagined,” Please to imagine it antil you are tired, and then you can leave off. Another | correspondent :— “ir,—I beg to offer the enclosed incident for your inspex , tion, hoping to see it in Punch if it is found suitable.” Well, let us inspect the incident. What is it ? ‘* Scene.— Donnybrook Fair, or any other place where rival factions can meet “ True Blue. Down with the Porr! ‘ Roman Catholic. Who said that? True Blue. Shure meself it was “ Roman Catholic. Take that then. [Hits him on the head with his shillelagh.” A very pleasant incident, and we are happy to have inspected it. The writer’s hope is gratified, and as he is in our debt, perhaps be will allow us to request a} gratification in return, namely, a cessation of his valuable correspondence. | Our next correspondent is good enough to supply us with a hint for an engraving, which he considers “ may tend to put down that which endangers the lives and | persons of the community.” Afr. Punch would be more than happy to supply the} picture, but the fact is that all his artistic young men are out of town, and he| is unwilling to lose a moment in producing a remedy for a crying evil :— “* My suggestion is Jouw Buu in fear of the Garotter.—A conveyance drawn by a pair, marked ‘Garotter, a garotter inside. Im the distance a grotto of oyster-shells and a child crying out | ‘ Please, Remember the Grotto, G-rotter. The Garotter.” I think it would be apropos to the | season, and with your assistance, accompanied by the assistance of one of your celebrated artists, | would please the public, at the same time caution them.’ | | tion in society, | DUCTIONS to exclusive circles.—Name and particulars (in conti- (thank you, Lreurenant F., and how is the beer at S.?)— *‘A Meeting of the Vaywahar Oopyogee Dnyan Vurdhuc Subha | will be held this evening, at half-past 7 p.m, in the hallof the Khet wady Reading Room and Library, when Ma. Kexntusroo Nowrovser will read his paper in Guzeratee, on ‘Man and Woman compared.’ The attendance of the public is requested.” Our correspondent wants to know the meaning of the above. We have sent a copy toSrr Cuartes Woop, with orders to explain in a private letter: if he does not, or if, as is more probable, his explanation is ten times more puzzling than the text, he will hegr from us in a way he won’t like. Seventeen correspondents to-day, twenty yesterday, and about a hundred previously, have sent us an advertise- ment in which—here it is: \ ATRIMONY.—A Lady of Rank, having, under peculiar 4 tircumstances, been asked by the friends of a handsome fashionable, and amiable young gentleman of distinction to effect a | marriage, w ill be glad to hear, confidentially, from a lady of fortune | wishing a really good and happy position.—Lady X.X., Poste Restante, &c Mr. Punch \imself, or rather Mrs, Punch, inserted the advertisement, wishing to marry off and settle one of their | young men who was getting a little too fond of his club, and our friend Pappy Green. The result has been most for- | tunate, a very beautiful girl was selected by Mr. Punch, out of a garland of twenty-seven who answered the invitation, and the marriage was solemnised straight off and will be found announced in the Zimes of Saturday last. He is sorry to have given his correspondents so much troubie, but has charged himself with the interests of the other twenty- six young ladies, and is open to receive proposals for their | hands—they all have money, and eleven of them have brown 1air—correspondents will specify the colour they admire. Ur. Punch at the same time inserted the following adver- | tisement, which has also been sent to him by scores of astounded friends :-— LADY of High Birth and Title, will AFFORD any Lacy | L% of adequate fortune, desirous to become settled in a good posi- the BENEFIT of peculiarly advantageous INTRO- dence) indispensable. Lady V., &c. Mr. Punch is restrained by peculiar considerations from stating as yet the resalt of this aunouncement, but Lady _V.” (irs. Punch) has had mamerous applications in reply, Punch has made his apology for the absence of the assistance of one of his cele- | and has had to decline several propositions an the part of ) a

Page 5

ent | He nes shis ion, win On this | on. lies his tion er’s ung came king |‘ com only rom Eh, i— will , and idow age, 3wer bour wher rere. ndia ?)— ubha Khet ROSEE ared.’ the with or if, more uy he , and rtise- | valiar isome ffect a rtune Poste d the their | », and t for- h, out ation, 1 will He is e, but renty- their | yrown re. yiver- es of Lady | d posi- NTRO- | conti- ] from } = y, art of Aveus? 30, 1862.] ladies of neglected education, and may say here, once for all, that aitches | One Jouw Cocutay, a so-called Archdeacon of Achonry, writes to a are indispensable. , j | Here is one which he did xof put in :— ' | APARTMENTS, with a pension for attendance required; nearly rent | t1 free; coals, candles, and washing (put out) free ; forming a very cheerful and comfortable home. A retired old gentleman, who has never been an invalid, offers | FIVE good-sized ROOMS, furnished or unfurnished, in a nearly new house, at 7s. a | week, to avoid the trouble he has well-bred children, who can give him good attendance, and very good plain cooking A merit, te | taken. Apply by single pension at the end of two years. No other ledger only, describing family, to A. B., &c , Islington. clear, there ') a dear eweature, to Sanau Any.” Mind your x _Sanan Ayn--skeins are net unfathomable. | We have a notion that this retired old gentleman will be found to be a Cannibal, Who im bis | means to eat them, Well-bred children, too. Just as he would stipu- | late for dairy-fed pork. Decidedly A. B. is a Cannibal, and it is clear also that am old who has never been ill must be a savage, no man in eivilised life lives to old age without ceeasional illness. “ Ter. | minating im a pension at the end of two years.” Just so, he will have eaten them all except one by that time, as the Cyclops promised | to serve ' | * When all wretched crew have felt my power, Outis shall be the last | will devour.” TWO PRIESTS. Tue longer Mr. Punch lives the more frantic becomes his admiration | for the Romish Priest. He eonsiders that individual, whether he be | the Porpz cursing from the chair of the heathen deity, or the Irish peasant bellowing anathemas over his whiskey toddy, to be one of the | most remarkable creations ever sent on earth for the improvement and | edification of mankind. This week, Mr. Punch has the felicity of con- templating the Priest in his most exalted and most debased position. | Curiously, in both cases, he appears as a fierce enemy of the present Government. _Mr. Macurre has been making a speech at Skibhereen, at a dinner given to a Roman Catholic bishop, and the honourable gentleman said— “ The Pore himself declared to me that the Pai merston Government is the worst enemy of the Church of Gop upon the face of the earth.” This is a dreadful statement from the lips of Infallibility. The only | comfort is, that His Holiness has said the same thing of so many | people. Any sovereign or subject who happens for the moment to put | dyspeptic Infallibility into one of those “rages” of which the Romans | make such unbecoming fun, is immediately declared to be the worst enemy of the Church. Vicron-Exmanvet has long been given over to Diabolus, GaRTBALDI, of course, has not a chance hereafter, and it was only the other day that the Eldest Son of the Church, Louis NaPotzon | himself, protector of Rome, was indirectly informed by the Pore that his Majesty was “in league with the Devil.” Lozp Patmzrston ; than our friend the Pope appears to have been, and suppose, not a cleri- | eal error—that would be rude, but a ty mistake has substituted the most sacred of names for the name “ Rome.” We know that whether the Pore said thisor not, it was what he meant. In that case, Lonp Patmerstox ought immediately to write a hand- some letter to Mn. Macurme, with the Premizn’s best thanks for pub- lishing so valuable a certi of his character, and giving him a new and indisputable claim to the regard of all honest and religious persons. _ While Pam is considering his course, let us see the Priest in another light. The amiable feelings of the Irish Catholics towards the son of the man who gave them emancipation are pretty well known. But a little illustration of those feelings may be acceptable to the collectors of curiosities. Some folks pin scorpions and other vermin into paper boxes, some preserve specimens of Irish priestcraft. Here is one of the latter. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 85 | had with servants. For the greater chance of a } | permanent arrangement, he would prefer a lady past middle age, with a family of | present — made every week to each person employed, according to | nation a senses invites a family of children unless he | phical one. Suppose that a| | Dublin paper :-— _“ It is reported that Sim Ropert Pret is to come to shoot here this season. a a howl of execration will the fellow be met, if the people can recognise The “ fellow ” condescended to inquire whether this letter were really the production of the person whose signature was appended to it, and the answer is, an admission of the letter, and abuse of Six Rowert for sensitiveness with reference to expressions of grief and indig- 1 wrung from a clergyman.” The priest, however, hastens to a construction which a Dublin paper has, he says, put — 31K ‘“Dear Punch,—¥You who know everything, do oblige me by onal passage about shooting, ashe did not mean a suggestion that tangled skein, which is given up by Mamma and myself as unfathomable. Make it ” : t g e 0 shot’ We might hesitate to accept the pase own denial, inasmuch as it might be tne result of well-grounded right; but to do him justice, we do not believe that he meant to recommend one of those murders, to the “causes” of which the Lrish : announced that they are not blind. We meant a clumsy taunt in connection with Sir Rouert’s org Besar indifference to the sacritice of human life. P guilty to the charge of writing what is an incite- an ignorant rabble to raise “a how! of execration” against an uneffending gentleman. And we know what an [rish howl of execra- tion means. It was raised the other day against some Pro- testant ladies in Ireland as they eame home from bothion anit they scarcely escaped with life. Coouian is not worth prosecuting, or the 1 m against the wall of a gaol as easily as Mr. Punch is let such creatures alone. But should i i and should he be mal- treated, we should think that Ancupeacon Coonan would require legal assistanee, and we should suzgest that its efficacy be tested before an Pope or priest, the minister of Rome is, as Mr. Pusch has remarked, a oy being, and our feentio pdvairation for him needs no more justification than is to be found in the above paragraphs. | SENSATION PARAGRAPHS. Inspires that strikes the mast in a storm at sea, produces feelings of the liveliest alarm—the explosion of a bombshell, scattering destruc- tion around, will make thestoutest heart quake with fear—but per- haps no sight in the world is half so terrible as that of a hungry man who has been kept waiting more than five minutes for his dinner ! The Maelstrém may be fa- thomed,— Big Ben even may ultimately be sounded — but Wouwan’s heart never ! It requires courage to lead a forlorn hope—no little firmness is reqnisite to break some fatal news to a suffering friend—and a deat of moral heroism is wanted to forgive an injury in one who has m dearly loved—but what are Tue roar of the Lion im the forest | in the dead stillness of the night | t terror—the lightning, | ta | these compared to the superhuman effort that is needed at some fancied | sound of alarm, to descend alone at three o'clock in the morning into a kitchen that we know to be swarming with blackbeetles ’ Some like Sparkling champagne best, whilst others give the preference to Still; but happy, oh! twice happy, is he whose conscience combines both qualities—one that is, at the same time, both sparkling and still! A Good Confederate Cry. Accorprne to the Correspondent of the New York World in Virginia, “General Porr’s order for the army to subsist on the country, has caused indiscriminate plundering all through the Virginian valley.” The Yankee Pore is worse thin the Roman Pontiff. His Holioess does not at any rate openly and avowedly wage war by means of an army of brigands. Atrocities sueh as these pyerenes by Genexat Pore’s marauders cannot but provoke a cry of “ No Popery!” | comes in only for the tail of the storm. But let us be*more charitable | A WARM IMAGINATION. “ Very hot in the Exhibition to-day?” said one friend to another over his International dinner. “ Very!” replied the latter, “ the Nave, i | declare, reminded me of Central Africa—the heat was quite Trophyeal. ry ae f tv | mit ie ; 4 H inia Bil nae i ohm j ) Le ' ; iu } el 4 ¢ ; tithe ; 1 ; i i sf Ee Tp Ie ee RTS II emer eeen oe ee 4 ae i Fao — rE 9 ——-

Page 6

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Avaver 30, 1862, aves GZ Wi Ali Tuas, ei 75 Z -” »- 105 RATHER VULGAR, BUT PERFECTLY TRUE. Boatman (in the distance). “I say, Jack, Got a Mosset o’ Bait To spare?” Jack, “ Wait, I can’t LET YER HAVE NO WouMs; BUT I DON’T MIND LENDING YER A BIT O° BULLOCK’s Liver 70 oBLIGg a Lapy!” FRANCE TO ITALY. 1 gupplint wht -- ot The right you cry for stands no chance ; Think of conceding such a thing. You raise the shout of “ Rome or Death ! ‘ Honour forbids me to concede, ITaLtaNs, you but waste your breath, | To stern demand of course I can’t | To menace, what is justly due ; And “ Death!” is the reply of France. Yes, death, my friends, for 7 strong ; Then how you strike for Rome, » dake heed : m. renee ia resolved to have her way ; Death is your portion if you do er will is law which, right or wrong, } The weak must perish or obey. 4 poe a“ tT id he van? Your claim of Rome I must refuse, Befriend the stru nae pale For I don’t want you to become And vindicate the Rights of Man ? Too independent, and I choose Ah! yes, but I must domineer, To keep you underneath my thumb. | So cannot call my forces home. But death ’s a boon I won’t deny, Then Death to every Volunteer If you desire to bite the dust, So boid as to advance on Romc! Brave, then, the might of France, and die ; » If die you will, then die you must. My Bourbons I ex es ’tis true ; AN OLD FRIEND WITH A NEW NAME. *! I a pnt oie a the hope Acruatty, the Eastern Counties Railway is no more! Don’t be To do the like, and doff the Por. alarmed, TomK.Ns, there still are trains to Lowestoft. Bat there are His power it suits me to maintain, no longer trains upon the Eastern Counties. By an Act w My cannons guard the Papal chair ; last Session, that Railway is in future to be known as the Great You pray for liberty in vain : Eastern. Don’t frighten your wife, Tomx1ns, by saying that whereas Attempt to win it if you dare. you thought of taking her to Lowestoft, you now intend to treat her to a a tile by the Great Eastern. She might not like the notion of going to The Eldest Daughter of the Church New York just now, with the chance of seeing you a conscript Must needs defend her parent’s Head, for M‘CLELLAN. So, when you s of the Great a mind you ; And keep the Pontiff on his perch, poaieen the word Railway; and meanwhile j join with Mr. Punch in Although upon your necks he tread. hoping that the name of the Great Eastern will stand higher in the Cost A by her be — to apert, way world than that which it succeeds; and, as one way of insuring this, let us hope that express trains will not be bound to stop five times Bat’ Weave s must Po + om supp in forty miles, as, Mr. Punch has heard, they used to do upon the Ass an Idea, with the swor Eastern Counties.

Page 7

1} j «MIVLII YOd NVA LHDIY AHL SI HOIHM Lanod LONNVO OOK ‘YOUTDNA UVAAC AW ‘ATITUAS,, “HONDA “UY «STUVd,, JO LNANDGOAL MAN V Fee —S SS — - NS me y iy "has ! a= y senneeneese : Maggy” = . — ,, —— : —_ LQ ‘9ST ‘Og 482°9Y—TYVAIUVHO NOGNO' SHL YO ‘HONDA nascar nerd Spaced ene arueencaiaieana ° ne OE a a

Page 8

Page 9

Avevust 30, 1862.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. x9 DISCOVERIES IN LONDON. “My pear Puncn, “ Lisbon Hotel, Fleet Street. ~ “| See in the newspapers all sorts of letters from fellows who | think it will interest the world to know that they have been bitten by | fleas in Switzerland, have tumbled off mules in the Pyrenees, and have been without clean shirts in Paris’ because their luggage has been sent on to Marseilles. I suppose they sincerely imagine that what is so uncommonly interesting to themselves must delight everybody else, but I never did write in that fashion, although I have been to a good many | places, the Himalayas, Constantinople, Pernambuco, and California | among them. But when a fellow Aas made a real discovery of unknown parts, | think he may be allowed to write about it without seeming a | Negotistical Hass. “ Of course I was in Scotland last week shooting. Then comes a'tele- co calling me up to London—then comes the limited mail, and here am. against my character as a gentleman, at the outset of my letter, if I represented myself in town now without some extraordinarily reason. Fact is, that an aunt, from whom I have great ex tions, had chosen to come up and see the Show, of which she had spoken and written with the most serene contempt during the decent months. | } g | It wag the thing for one to come up, old man, and the grouse may go to the deuce. If all goes well I may have moors of my own some day, | but not if I neglect Aunt Grazinestock. | “ Well, duty is duty, and noways pleasufe, and I didn’t expect much gratification from showing Aunt Grazmxestock the Koh-i-Noor and Armstrong’s guns. But I thought I might manage somehow, and she goes to bed about the time one goes to dimmer. “* But, my dear old man, when I called om Aunt Grazrvestock at | =STSs this hotel (which I never heard of before, but it seems her mother used | to go to it, I suppose in the time of Queen AwwEe—you’ll laugh, but it’s near your own office), I found that she had brought up ayoung lady with her. Pretty girl, uncommon intelligent, and knows a precious deal more of many things than yours truly does. LI ought to add that she turned out to be a cousin of mine, whom aunt has adopted, and means to do the handsome by. Her name’s Grazinestock too, Miss Hester Grazinestock, if you please. “ Well, her face put a new face on matters, rather, for I am not ashamed to say that I like the society of a pretty girl who can talk, and her being a cousin of course relieved me egg danger. ike. *‘ The Show was soon done with. I fancy they were rather disap- pane with most things except the pictures. But Miss Graziwestock vad never been in London before, and I was ordered to do London sights with her. Aunt chose generally to stick at the hotel window, and see the cab-horses tumble down, and then open the window and segld right out at the people for not helping the poor beasts up again; so my cousin and I saw the sights by ourselves. Now I had no more notion what to show the girl than if I had been taking her through the moon, but I had a confidential chat with a waiter down-stairs who had een showing London to his little boy, and he put me up to a good many things. | “ My dear old man, there isa deal to see in London. I have heard the names of some of the places, but of course I never went near ’em, as I thought) from and thought that they were something the lower orders did, like Green- | | wich fair, where I have been, and ridden in a roundabout with Members of Parliament. But I assure you, and I have seen all the capitals, that there is a wonderful deal to look at im London. Do you know that the inside of St. Paul’s is worth seeing-—-some rummy statues no doubt, but a grand effect, and the view from the top is immense. Did you ever go to the Tower? You must have seen it on the left as you have gone down to your whitebait. I swear to you it’s a most historical place, full of real curiosities, and something interesting at every turn.’ I thought I should never get Hester out of that dungeon: and she was so awfully well up in Queen Exizaperu, and all that sort of thing, that the show-fellow was quite delighted, and asked her to take his | place ; and didn’t she look pretty-when the colour came up—what’s | that to you, old man? But did you ever go over Westminster Abbey ? Well, now, you can easily get there—take a boat from near your place, and tell them to put you out at Westminster Bridge. You ’ve no idea} what a fine church it is; talk of Notre Dame, and St. Stephen, and St. Sophia—it ’s worth all three ; and there are tombs of all the chaps you read about, and poets, and no end of talent. Well, my boy, there area lot more things. I dare say you never heard of a place called Guildhall. It’sin the City, I forget the street, but the cabmen know. Go and see that. There are two of the most outrageous Guys you ever saw, called Gog and Magog, and there is a lot of antiquarian things that, if they were in a private house, and only to be seen by interest, everybody would be | after. But there’s another place that we found out. It is in a beestly part of the town, I allow, near Tottenham Court Road ; but, when you get into the building, you forget all that, and you can go ina close cab. | | It is called the British Museum. My old man, there’s no such a col-| lection of everything in the world, from a silver penny to a sarcophagus, So at it we went, sight-seeing like anything you | | by a hook to the centre of her girdle. | in any part of ee Wonderful old writings, autographs, statues, | coins, medals. I can’t tell you what a show there is. Were you ever taken over the Bank? I dee I wouldn’t have missed that sight for ninepence. There's a thing that weighs sovereigns, and spits out the light a then a thing that cuts them across like asplit shot— it does everything but speak ; if they'd take it to Piccadilly, and charge a bob for — it, they ’d be able to pay the national debt in a year. | Then we were told to go over London Bridge, and see a marvellous old eburch in Southwark. I only know I’ve driven miles in foreign parts to see something not a quarter so fine, and yet I never knew of this—it is in a hole on your right as you go to the Brighton railway. Hester knew all about it, and the Lady Chapel. Go and see it, old man. Well, I am | scribbling at their table while th | comes the soup, so [ must conclude, but I think I have justified my a you, and do = know that I have a good mind to write a book about London, and take credit for having invented it, Hester : Petpet ‘ } net | says I may have her share of the bonour, and she will look up all the must mention this because it would create a natural preyadice facts and copy them out for me. What do you think, old man ? “ Agréez, &c., “ PereGcrine Fawcoy.” “PS. Hester says I might as well m say. To be sure we might write delight Mx. and Mas. Canter Hatt. If she would be as jolly afterwards as she is now, I wouldn’t much mind. But I hear club fellows say that,wives grow so awful cold and sulky. What do you think, old man? To-night we’re going to the Wax-works, gas-lighted wax-works, her. I don’t know what to But Hester says she wants to be able to say she has seen them, and people in the country think a deal of ’em, | Hester says.” CRINOLINE KITES. Tue attention of our junior male readers is called to the annexed paragraph out of the Dover Chronicle ; -hecause it records an occurrence | which suggests a new amusement :— | “Biows isto THe Sea.—On Tuesday, as a lady was walking down the lower steps of the jetty at Margate, the wind, which was blowing almost a gale at the time, ¢ wane under her crinoline, and she fell into the sea. In falling, it is supposed, her hea came in contact with one of the boats, as she received a severe cut over the eye One of the sailors, as svon as he saw what had occurred, jumped into the water and brought ber out.” | If the wind will lift a lady into the air by catching under her crino- | line, it will of course, when its force abates a little, drop her, unless cau to sustain her by some contrivance calculated to effect that purpose under the operation of physical laws. A kite is a familiar | example of an object so constructed that the wind may be made to sup- port te | | brought to act upon it ina certain direction. Now, if | the wind will lift a woman by a common-sized crinoline, it will raise | her still higher when its power is exerted upon one of larger dimensions. | By a sufficient extension of a girl’s crinoline, in short, it would be easy | to convert her into an actual kite. Here, then, is a new idea of pas- | time and recreation for youth of both sexes. On any fine day, with a sufficient breeze, boys might be enabled to divert themselves by flying | their sisters, and sisters’ young friends. The young lady employed for the purpose would only want to have on a crinoline a very little exceed ing the circumference at present in vogue, furnished with a tail con- sisting of bows of ribbon, and with an adequate length of cord affixed The cord might be wound upon a winch or windlass; and after she had been hoisted a little way, which would require the united pull of several boys, she could be Jet out by means of that engine to any required height by a single tolerably strong boy. If the cord should snap, she would probably come down like a parachute ; but, to obviate the ill consequences of a too rapid descent, it would be as well always, if convenient, to fly her over the sea a little clear of boats, where, in the event of her falling, she would not be hurt, and sailors, seeing what had occurred, could jump into the water and bring her out with little difficulty. A young lady of a scientific turn, whilst enjoying an airing in the upper regions of the atmosphere, might also take advantage of her position to make barometrical and hygrometrical observations, and ascertain the quantity of ozone existing in that situation. ‘The remark may perhaps be made, that a very pretty name for a a lady constituted in the manner above described a Kite, would be TTY, An Army that is Well-Crammed. Ir seems that the principal support of the Federal army is salt pork and “ crackers.” We suppose that by the latter a complimentary allusion is intended to be paid to the invigorating effect that M‘Cuetiay’s des- patches have had upon the spirits of the Northern heroes; for such veracious documents as generally turn defeats into victories, and retreats into “ strategic movements,” cannot be looked upon otherwise than as most substantial “ crackers.” are dressing for dinner, and here | travel. books together, like | Fancy the Honourable P. Faxcow at | cone ee = open oe nee mesa ater go “eg 8 a » —urenman Ds — ; { f oT 253 yenson tan ocatetienagetal

Page 10

ae, ge a 90 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, [Avevsr 30, 1862 CREMORNER . CARPETS J iucmene wea CAR PETS hed a OPEN. 4 CARPETS — a spphotpiny tes — ah N eLctyS " mm HOPNIMANE MAPPI Ng | COALSCOALS A ‘ ytivs ale COALS! MPUPETCAT \ HIM ADI he pte Y| 1CHINT & lyiS 2h /-T9h LEA WC? FORKS £ 1 ort \ ¥ m Ng LS acta AT a — ~~ A NOVELTY IN JOURNALISM. Tue exploits of Generat Porg, performed on paper, the “ strategic movement” of M‘CieLiay, which proved to be a “stampede,” and the Federal telegrams in general, converting defeats into victories, have suggested the idea of starting a new news r, which, deriving its nme from the nature of its contents, shal called the Imaginary svews, The Imaginary News will be constituted on the principle of supplying people with the intelligence they wish to receive. There are many persons who are sick of the abominable battles with their hideous | accounts of killed and mutilated, the frightful accidents, the dreadful murders and other atrocious crimes and offences, which abound in the existing journals. exclaim against the writers who serve them with this everlasting mass of horrors :— “ Out on ye, owls ; nothing but songs of death !" They hunger and thirst after good tidings. They want pleasant things to read at breakfast to give it a relish, and not displeasing facts to spoil it. ‘The newspaper for their money is one which, in the hotel or the railway carriage, would be a cheerful and not a dismal companion, a wet blanket, a damper, a kill-joy and a bore. They don’t want to hear of fires and conflagrations which put them in fear for their own homes, THE NEXT THING—EVERY MAN HIS OWN ADVERTISER. In their disgust and impatience they are ready to | | troops on both sides are disbanded, the blockade has been raised, and or to be told that the funds have fallen and there is a panic in the City, or that anything else has occurred, or is going on anywhere, likely to | ruin them or reduce their circumstances. They had rather not know | will contain the usual record of Births and of deficient crops and potato blights and a terrible Cotton famine, or | Deaths. | any other form of distress which harrows their feelings and annoys | | them with the papas of being called on to subscribe for its relief. | } Detestable in their eyes are all the narratives of wars, and rumours of | wars that make them tremble lest this country should be involved in | hostilities, and threaten them with the aggravated penalty of an in- | | creased Income-Tax. Considering that the disaster apprehended very seldom happens, and that the disaster which does happen is generally unforeseen, they think they had better be made comfortable than un- | comfortable’in the meanwhile. Hence the demand for a consolatory | ind cheering journal, such as is contemplated in the foundation of the | lmaginary News. The columns of the Imaginary News will be exclusively composed of | gratifying information. ~The space devoted to its leading articles will be filled with observations conceived in a joyous and hopeful spirit, calculated to inspire a happy frame of mind. | PAPAL SPORTS AND PAS. | TIMES, By advice from Civita Vecchia, we learn that :-— * ** Yesterday afternoon, being the De- legate’s birthday, that late ordered j | some aquatic sports for the amusement of the public—such as sailors up a soaped bowsprit to get a flag, tumbling into the sea; his reverence | condeseended also to fling 40 or 50 live ad ducks from his waaay into the water, ' | where they were: eagerly pursued by the | almost apaphibjous po and fisher- men,” | '» | One wonders how om pw the } f | pontifical sailors were enough ; ~“* | to contribute to the amusement of the public by tumbling into the sea in the attempt to run up a oe bowsprit oe wera anyhow for nothing better than a worthless flag. The Delegate of his Holiness at Civita Vecchia might have created more sport, if, to stimulate competition amongst the faithful tars, he had stuck an indulgence on the top of the bowsprit. Then, after that, if he had flung the ducks into the water, the beholders would have been amused with a consum- | mation of quackery. — ANSWER THIS. Wuen is a needy shoemaker like a dying whale ?—When he is spouting his last. _ The subjoined announcements will exemplify the sort of reading to be afforded by the Imaginary News. We congratulate our readers on the certainty of a more than abundant harvest, in fact the most ample ever known. Large quantities of English corn will, it is certain, be this year exported to Odessa. — GeneraL Garrpapi has ente ome amid the acclamations of the people. The French troops have piled their arms and fraternise with the volunteers. The Porg will not trouble them to occupy Rome any more. His Holiness has recognised the logic of facts, agrees to be satisfied with his spiritual position as head of the Church, and will crown Victor-Emmanvet King of Italy in the Cathedral of St. Peter. The American Civil War has terminated. Prestpent Lixcouy issued a proclamation declaring the prolongation of hostilities between North and South incompatible with civilisation and Christianity. The Commissioners are engaged in settling the- boundary line between the Federal and Confederate States. 2+ i Half-a-million bales of Cotton have arrived in the Mersey. , The representations of the British Government have induced Austria to evacuate the Quadrilateral, and en sa Venice to Italy. ; The Emperor Napo.zon has promulgated an ordinance declaring that, in the presence of circumstances which assure the peace of the world, France will disarm. ls have gone up to 994. In addition to particulars such as the foregoing, the Imaginary News arriages, but not that of In its editorial remarks the continuance of peace and plenty will be confidently predicted; a high view of human nature will maintained, the existence of crime, pamper, Sena, and every other variety of evil and misery, will be steadily denied. : From the preceding statement it will be evident that the Imaginary News is likely to take a stand among the works of fiction. ANOTHER MEMBER’S REVENGE. “We should always provide against a rainy day,”{as the Member of the * * * * * Club cad, when he stole the umbrella out of the hall. “ Prevention is better than cure,” as the Pig said when it ran wr igs all its might to escape the killing attentions of the Pork- utcher.

Page 11

Avoust 30, 1862.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 91 THE LOYAL IRISHMAN IN AMERICA. Is it me neck you’d like to wear your collar ? Meself to be your military slave ? The divil fly away with your base dollar, Me too, the dhirty coin if I resave. Com do I say? Such pay from such paymasters, Bedad! is what I’d like to know who'll get, _ When for cracked crowns you give your troops shinplasters, Which cover nothing but a power o’ debt. My wealth and goods put any kind of tax on, And get me, if you can, to pay that same. But 1’m the fellow-subject the Saxon, And to allagiance own Victoria’s claim. I spurn your vile imaginary wages, Will staia my fist for no snch palthry hire ; Benathe Barranyia’s flag, behind her ayia, Conscription if ye threaten, 1 retire. Go, Szerceant Svar, don’t talk to Pappy Caney, Nor tempt me soul with visionary pay. Of bloodshed, barrin for me Queen, 'e chary ; Your blarney on this boy is thrown away. 1’m not to be imposed on by effrontery ; Me nation is the jewel of the sea. Observe, I’m a young man from the old counthry ; But, arrah! sure you don’t come over me. | tion to take up his ) fours ———— | wise and liberal reforms tend to consolidate our Institutions, THE LAST OF THE ’MERICANS. From an Historical Romance preparing for Publication, At length this internecine warfare came to its inevitable close. Of alk the eight and twenty millions who had struggled and stamped throughout the terrific conflict, a Solitary unit now survived. New| York and Memphis, Richmond and Pennsylvania, were heaps of broken | bricks on which announce boards were erected wiih the pathetic inscrip- | tion “ For Sale.” Liaxcouin and Davis were locked in a last ard (let us hope) affectionate embrace. Stayton alone remained. The celebrated feline duel in Kilkenny was eclipsed, for only ne tail was left to tell the dread catastrophe. JonatHan’s big bonfire-America—was éxtinguished, but from its ashes rose a Phcenix-Empire, bearing the negro-classico name of Pompeii. By no servile revolt, but by a natural law of com- pensation, Ham became the acknowledged guardian of the public weal. His personal representatives, who, like Exiza on the wood-crowned height, unmoved by cajolery or bribes, had been passive and dignified spectators of the frantic fight, were now absolute masters of the soil they had so long gratuitously tilled. Pomrry rue Finst was monarch of all he surveyed ! As Stanton emerged from the War Office, his features bore traces of deep dejection and remorse. “Ob, Stars and Stripes!” he | said, apostropliising a tattered banner which lay neglected at his feet, “we thought our Stars were fixed, and lo! like Lucifer, they have fallen, and the Stripes we meant for others’ backs have descended on our own.” Scarcely had be given utterance to these veracious words —the first of a series—when some Irish lacqueys in scarlet and gold | | form an alliance with our illustrious Poet Laureate. the omnipotence of Love, we cannot but feel that our Royal House | master. Escorted by these flaming menials, he quickly reached the Saccharine Palace (built entirely of sugar-cane), and as a lion, by in- stinct knows the true Prince, mechanieally the Yankee bowed before the throne of Porgy, who like Buonpry—serene though greatly ele- vated—was the first of his line. Penetrated by compassion for the lonely wight, the magnanimous monarch held forth his soft dark hand to which in token of allegiance, the eager Yamkee pressed his loyal lips.* * * “The last of the ’"Mericans,” a8 Pomrzy tenderly called Wim, was then motioned to depart. He now holds an engagement as Fi to the Press, which in the heyday of official prosperity, he treated as a sick child, and by the velicle of military despatehes, had compelled to swallow the most mauseous stuff. His sable Majesty, having drunk his sangaree and donned his purple robes, then set out to open Parliam supported by Silver Stick, and preceded by the Usher of the Black Red. THE ROYAL SPEECH. 2 = — Councils congratulate that o you to our , we you our faithful subjects, the coloured people of Pompeii, having set their po ol = as ant, have secured their independence notwithstanding ye. “We daily receive assurances of amity from Foreign Powers, with whom our ideeeiie intercourse is distmguished by an amenity not indigenous to any part of this great Continent. “ Gentlemen of the House of Commons, “ We had directed estimates to be prepared with due regard to economy and the efficiency of the public service. While making ample provsion for our nati defences, we are not unmindiul that the Government which maintains vast military and naval armaments solely for the acquisition of Giory or Territory derives its inspiration from either a simpleton or a knave. “ Profiting by the example of an august ally the Emperor or Jaray, we have made considerable retrenchments in diplomatic ex iture, as the European States to which our ambassadors are ited, now defray the entire expenses of the embassy. “ My Lords and Gentlemen, “The export of our staple i we are gratified to learn, has immensely in under our Government—the supply being no longer regulated by physical force. Instead of hoeing with a Of this fact we have evidence in black and white. “ Gentlemen of the House of Commons, “Tbe financial affairs of the country, which under democratic misrule had created universal alarm, are now placed on a sound and | satisfactory footing, and that without having recourse to the aid of a sponge. “ My Lords and Gentlemen, “ Our Secretary of State fag Foreign Affairs has received a com- | munication from the Papal Nuncio expressing the gratification of his | Holiness with his recent visit to Pompeii, and intimating his inten- i nt residence in this favoured land, where ; ) and where freedom of opinion is the birthright of all our sons. “ Gentlemen of the House of Commons, “ Our eldest daughter, the Paincess or Fiortpa is about to While recognising will derive a lustre from its union with genius, more resplendent than any jewel in our crown. “ My Lords and Gentlemen, “ Sensible of the impolicy of sumptuary laws, we have never- theless deemed it expedient, owing to the crowded state of our Hos- pitals, to instruct the Attorney-General to prepare a Bill for the im- mediate abolitién of Hoops, and (subject to the approval of Her M.jesty’s Maids of Honour} for the substitution of some efficient mode by which Hearts instead of Heels may be taken captive. “ The Early Slosing Movement has always received our strenuous support, and we sould be glad if its advantages could be extended to both Houses of Parliament, having frequently had occasion to remark the evils connected with late aon of business, and being mony conscious that the evening’s legislation will not always bear the morning’s reflection.” Signs of Peace. Mr. Wesvewt Paiciiers accuses his President of being “ a turtle.” Mr. Lascous has been making a speech at a meeting, so the Bisaor or Oxvoxp will be pleased to think that “the voice of the turtle is heard mm the land.” (the King’s livery) politely requested his attendance before their royal | | i j | | | | lash over his shoulder, the agricultural labourer now works with a | dollar before his eye. Golden syrup is a better stimulant than bitters. en i i! Hii . I ie + h b iG i } i at Hi eee ee aw ee it ed -

Page 12

Jigar reel pence ams» ws | that those blest with them shall properly conduct themselves. | faney ways to bludgeon or garotte them. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 30, 1862. i Ay \e \ Yi YUMT Mt “40 ‘ V, 7 TP) Axcrent Marrver (to Browne, who has just arrived by the Steamer and had quite enough of it). “ Nice Row or Sail this evening, Sir?” GAOL-BIRD WATCHERS WANTED. Mx. Puwxcn, he scarce need say, has little wish to lessen the liberty enjoyed by any free-born British subject. But the liberty of knocking |assumed that he is about to relapse into crime, and he will ke |at once apprehended, and recommitted to prison under his original sentence.” In Ireland, says a writer in the Times, who seems acquainted with Mr. Punch upon the head, or of garotting him by gaslight, or of using | the subject, these sensible conditions are rigidly enforced. In England, other violence against his sacred as t Punch Was \ittle sympathy, and he always will do all within his power erson, for’ such liberty as this Mr. | he affirms, they are completely disregarded. Will Sm Ricnarp as | |inform us kindly, why? Have we in ee not police enough to to diminish it. So, when Mr. Punch observes that the liberty extended | watch the gaol-birds who are liberated ? AYNE this be so, Sir Ricwarp, to incarcerated prisoners, released before the expiration of their sen-| pray get what more men you want, and let us know the cost of them. tences by virtue of certificates which are called their tickets of leave— that this liberty is used by its fortunate possessors as a means to bruise and batter helpless people in the streets, and to perpetrate all sorts of crimes and savage Sodiien Mr. Punch then feels inclined to look upon such liberty as a wild and savage licence which ought not to be suffered in a civilised community, and which in common sense and justice ought to be suppressed. Oh but, say philanthropists, you ought in charity to give the poor unhappy criminal a chance of reformation., Yes, granted, so that this does not involve the chance of cutting other people’s throats, or using It has been ascertained that twenty out of every hundred prisoners, who have been set free with these certificates of leave, return to crime again when they possess their | Criminal prevention is better far than cure: if tickets of leave do cure, which at present there are grounds for more than denying. To pay for more police is a less painful operation than to have one’s eye gouged out, or one’s neck garotted. So, if need be, let us clap on extra peeler power expressly to look after these interesting criminals, who by gam- moning the governor, and coming the religious dodge to please the chaplain, have managed to obtain a leave of absence from our gaols. The police, by the late Poaching Act, will be obliged in some places to- put on extra bulls’-eyes to see after the pheasants; and were some extra men employed to watch the gaol-birds out of cage, possibly there | might be less of poaching on our pockets, and garotting of our throats. liberty; and it mouapesies by those competent to judge, that more than | of fifty in each hundr them actually do so. A large per-centage this | for the philanthropists to fight against, when they try to make us fancy that the ticket-of-leave system works most admirably well, and that very few, if any, evils are occasioned by it. Surely it is misdirected sympathy to feel compassion only for those who are criminal. Ought there not to be compassion for the innocent, who now nightly run the risk of being strangled in the streets? And ought not means for their protection in pity to be thought of, before the interesting criminal who threatens them be cared for ? Tickets of leave are granted durante vitd bene actéd—-upon condition No fresh vice is needful to cause their being cancelled. It is legibly endorsed upon each of these certificates that if the holder “ associates with notoriously bad characters, leads an idle and dissolute life, or has no visible means of obtaining an honest livelihood, it will be Printed by William Bradbury, Whitetriars, © Loo of No. 8, U ny of London, Prin at eis Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of ~—Satunaar, August 8, ee wT Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett trom hitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No. %, THE YANKEE NAME AND SURNAME, Wuat shall we say of JonatHan vowing vengeance and breathing fire and fury against his Southern kinsfolk? May we not say that JoNATHAN is exhibiting himself in the character of Jonataan Witp? To a Correspondent. To a Lady-Correspondent from Reading, who remarks with some motherly indignation upon the admiration which the statue of the Reading Girl as excited, and who says that she has a Reading boy who, if he were properly sculptured, would be equal to any girl in that respectable Ber shire village, we can only say, that she had better send up her boy, carriage paid, to the Stereoscopic Company, who have bought the girl, We never interfere in local disputes. 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precinet A in the Parish of St. Bride, City ae