Punch 1861: Vol 41

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y i fags és yA P iy. stash Ws ") Wf Hy HAW . “\ Y MBE 8s \% rr SSA 5 \) ~ ~~ Te : iP iy \ \S ‘ SSDES sie As ‘ ly ] nny tani nS \ . Y ee W wv \y ‘PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL BOO: 1861. *

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WHiTEPLIALS % od cs) “ a ~ z ia a | ” — i a

Sb Niadeciadltineen aleneienda unless iaaaiiaabiammesnataaminatamnatadaaan naan cn SSS LEEDS SELLE LETTE

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So alt <As & Stl =A LC Wo RABELAIS IN FLEET STREET. HOW A STRANGE INDIAN WOULD RUN“BEFORE PUNCHAGRUEL, AND WHAT CHANCED, AND THE VAST REWARD WHICH THE INDIAN WON THEREBY. _ the good PuncuacrueEL keeping his Christmas with joy and delight, as ever was his fashion, and casting forth to those about him, yea, and to all the world, myriads of diamonds, pearls, emeralds, amethysts, rubies, topazes, garnets, opals, chrysolites, brilliants, carbuncles, sardonyxes, jacinths, and other glorious and glittering things, which the Greeks did call epigrams, from the verb which signifieth to inscribe (as Cox of Finsbury, Member of Parliament, well knoweth), there came to him a message that a strange Indian, called Dezrroor, coveted speech with him. “Bid him not covet,” said the virtuous PuncHAcGRUEL, “ and bid him enter.” Whereupon there leaped forward a wondrously bedizened Indian, bounding in such sort that his last step carried him four hundred and eleven thousand yards, or that I may not lie unto you, three inches and a quarter less, and he had to walk back again for seventeen hours or more, until he regained the place where stood the noble Puncuacrurt. Then, kneeling on his brown knees; the Indian set forth, humbly but succinctly—first, that he was a Seneca Indian; secondly, that he was a great runner; thirdly, that he had beaten all runners beside ; fourthly, that though loaded with prizes, he desired but one, namely, the praise he. sad ma and fifthly, that he would be made happy for life if he might run before that po te. The mild Puncnacrvzt smiled affably, and said unto his friends, “Sznzca is not too heavy nor Piautus too light for me.” Then, improving the occasion by speaking of that which was by no means in question or to the purpose, as his manner is, he discoursed to them the history of Seneca, reciting many thousand lines from his tragedies and comedies, and reducing his imputed wealth, namely, three hundred thousand sestertia, into pounds, shillings, pence and farthings, and then into napoleons, francs and centipedes,

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PREFACE. [DecemBer 28, 1861. iv oo — =e eee and again into the coinage of all the nations in the world. At length the Indian, being somewhat tired with standing during so many hours of discourse, prayed that he might have an answer. “Thou would’st run before me,” said the noble Puncnacruz.. “ Nay, that were impossible; but thou may’st run after me, anthou wilt. Go it, thou cripple!” Then flew off the Indian like an arrow from the bow of Unysszs, or a Yankee of the North when he hears that a Government post is to be given away. He ran with all his heart, yet the calm Puncu- AGRUEL stirred not, but stood narrating to his followers the most reeondite aneedotes of all the great runners of the world, and their history, and discoursing so sweetly of Aratawra, Camrtxa, and I know not what others, that the hearers fell asleep with ecstacies of admiration and delight. All this while the Indian kept running like unto that hour on the dial which is signified by a unit, or as if he had received a pédal impulse remitting him into the centre of the proximate hebdomadal period. “Ha!” said the wise Punenacrvuer., “it is said that he who runs can read. Let us show this benighted Indian that he who reads cam run.” And darting forth with one measureless and incdfieeivable rush, that clove the air like the wind of am Armstrong shell, and caused innumerable birds to fall down from the sky, or celestial azure, the swift Puncwae@rust flew along like the whirling chariot of Phoebus, when that god has lost time in flirting on his road, and putteth on the steam lest” he keep the dinner-table of Olympus waiting. He speedily caught and passed the straining and despairing Indian (who nevertheless ran valiantly), and smiling affably upon him, did keep ahead of him tntil‘Dezrroor, throwing | up his arms, exclaimed with a loud voice, “ Rabbyshackle par dendron slapamikos boo dingy?’ which signifieth | in the Seneca tongue, “ Who can contend with the Wonder of the World?” and he fell flat upon the earth. Then the kind Punc#aervet caused them to raise him, and administer consolation and brandy; and when he was recovered, gavé him so many jewels, medals, banknotes, and other rewards, that the Indian staggered under the weight thereof. Then the gentle Puncnacrvet said, “ Would’st run against me, brown-face? Dosr nor KNOW THAT if 18 My DESTINY To RUN FoR EVER?” And beside the presents, and as a more precious donation than all, he gave him, in memory of the day, and for his glorification and joy, his — HForty-first Volume... a> be. ober as ee | Srp rsoena

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ngs th he ler OT on i\ \ j, ¥ event almost worthy to mai te the appearance of the First Number of a new Volume of Puach, and the more so that at length the Great Seal has been caught by a sportsman of first-rate abilities. Sim Ricuakp BerHett, the son of a physician, and the descendant of the old Welsh family of Ap-ITHELL, now sits upon the Woolsack (when he not a more comfortable seat this hot weather) as Baron Wzst- BuRY, and Westbury is a place in Wiltshire. Mr. Punch has just done himself the pleasure of smiling at and bowing to the new Chancellor, and of remar! that though he may be called Fetrx, neither in look nor attitude does his ip resemble the Fe/iz over his head, nor, to : the truth, did Mr. Punch detect any very strong likeness between e pictured orator who is addressing the uncomfortable pro-consul and any of the mumbling gentlemen who were taking this early cqeotiens of obtruding their views of equity upon Lorp Westsury. Mr. Punc begs h to congratulate his noble and learned friend, B. C., an by . iy a delicate allusion to his Cambrian ancestry, signifies Mr. P.’s hope a : = a his Lordship ceases iy poe b Chancery e, he e any swagge ancient (or modern Pistol in the House of Lords or “ chowlcne,” ait the leek which he will be a bold man to mock. The suiiomentery chrorniale of the week, however, commences with the tribute paid by the Upper House to the memory of Lory CaMmpsEtt, whose sudden demise took place in the morning of the previous Sunday. His oe had on the Saturday presided in the Court of Chance where he had “reserved a judgment ” never to be delivered by himself had attended a Cabinet Council, and had in the evening received friends. “Fortune for him had thrown the Treble Six,” but he had laboured loss and well to deserve his gains. The eae eae, Sa from Lorps GRANVILLE, BroveHam, and St. Leonarps. In the Commons, on Monday, it was elicited that the French Government are whether they shall let British salt into France. If they would y admit Attic Salt at six sous per measure, direct from 85, Street, it would be a tenfold greater boon to the bored to death with the siatseries and naughti- attempt to justify himself in the matter of the Swell who behaved like a PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. ) MONDAY June %. The appearance of a new Lerd-Chancellor is an black, at Cremorne, and whose punishment was so indulgenily re- perm greet Sr Georce succeeded only in a ARNOLD’s con- duct appear still more praiseworthy than before. The Home Secretary act laid stress upon the fact that the police did not press the case. The police press the case opine a Swell with discreet friends! “ ‘ there be exclamations of laughing, as, ha! ha! ho! ho!” not to “hee! hee!” Then came another debate upon pe oc by Mr. Aparme. Divers Irish Members abused him for them, and othe Irish pee Bs ge mecca a An Ei ss Apare believed yoo that in mine a wholesale o! e was sodas a of the Ribbon conspiracy, and his assailants deny that he sufficient grounds for such Abelie and say that he ought not to have inflicted suffering without more proof. But half the business of the scoundrelly Ribbon conspirators is to take care that there,shall be no proof of their crimes. The Government did not approve of Mr. Aparr’s oe, d, | but refused to remove from the commission, as demanded, a who had in no way violated the law, about obedience to which, by land- lords, the Irish are so uncommonly particular. . We send 3000 soldiers to Canada by the Great Eastern, a pradential measure which of course afforded material for some pleasing carping not much to the discomfiture of the Viscount PaLMERsTon. Joun Russe. intends to prevent, if possible, any new war between Spain and Morocco, and rejoices in_the increasing prosperity of the former. In spite of Mr. Buckie, Spain im says, to resume her old position as a leading power. Bon—we trust to have an Exizaseru ready. Tuesday. The Lords said that it was a hot evening, and went away. The Commons had a little battle in the morning. over the Bill for ing London pay, out of her coals and wine, for the Embankment, but a majority of 160 to 5 showed that the House thought that any sort of at all. E settlement of the question was better than none At night, Mr. T. G. Bartne defended the cruelty of making soldiers march over- dressed and overloaded under a broiling is and the defence was charmingly offcial: “‘ Another detachment made the same march, and no harm was done.” Who was it, Wiscount, who said something about the small wisdom with which the world was runes Take it easy, — try your mnemonics,—Stern—ox—ox’s — OXIENSTERN. —— who must be nesses of their own fettered satirists. Str G. Lewis made another | Good bo phn Mepsip, the Sultan of Turkey, died, and was buried VoL. XLI.

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| 2 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 6, 1861. in the beg odo Achmet, Constantinople, this day. successor, UL Aziz, immedi wublished a Hat, declaring that he means to adhere to the policy of his predecessor, but to avoid his extravaganee. This is a very good Hat, and we hope it will keep its shape, and especially will not require improving by a is said, however, that the new ow of Providence is a believer in the Koran, and means to go in for bigotry, in which case the Bosporus, gro quo male scribitur Bosphorus, may one of these early days have to carry him and his amiable and accomplished wives over the way, and a Seraglio may be to let. Loxp Srratrorp pe THERAPIA, who NOWS eve man of “an arbitrary it and decided turn of mind,” and -his Lordship recomm that good advice should be bestowed upon sno Mr. Pusch may probably go romid for the purpose, when Parlia- ment rises. Then came a Military Debate; that is to say, the comparative claims of the Enfield and Whitwortlr Rifles were d , and Lorp Patmer- sTON said, truly, that sucha matter must be left to the Mxeeutive, and was not for Parliament. To be = od Members like to remain in Town after the Prorogation, they may with guns, and may Henly to repert ty Dhami. Wh Gietinamy dima. ie ala be y to report m Fe ; come, this wou nobler than slayi os on the heather—who puts down his name first? Palace ¥: be a pleasant promenade in the close September evenings new , : t¢ came im for awful detanciations, as a useless place, and an , and # haunt of viee, and all sorts of bad things ; and Mr. Oszomve lost his temper at being chaffed by Lop Patsenstom, and accused the latter of regentings a joke which he made fot pom te s Good gracious, Berna, who but ue. Punch can eseape sort of repetition ? We A new writ was moved for Wolverhampton, vavated by the elevation of the ArtorNEyY-GENERAL to the Woolsack. Here it be i ici Se Wirt. --General, ee ne ee place ttorney. he is to be sent- ap te = i oh knights him offhand, to save and Sir Rounpett Paumer (Punch ] ther) is to be the successor of Sir Ricnarp. Sim Rownpext was a Peelite, is an able speaker, scholar, gentleman, and so on; and if he will divest himself of a certain prig- gishness (O! Mr. Punch fears neither Attorney-Generals nor any created beings) he will do ey 4 well. Mr. Cottzer will make him an excellent coadjutor ; and as the first is for Church-Rates and against Ballot, and the other is for Ballot and against Church-Rates, the una- nimity of the Ministry will not be disturbed, as the two lawyers can pair off together, and go and smoke comfortably when either question comes on. A Bill for enabling Masters and Operatives to settle disputes by arbitration was lost; but this object is a good one, and to be followed up. The difficulty is that the parties eaunot be compelled to submit to the decision =~ such tribunal, whereas the Preneh Prud hommes have wathority. For some reason, the Government are afraid to interfere with the ridiculous and iniquitous Court of Jersey, so that muisance continues to be as full-blown as the toads of the Thursday. Tntroduced by Lorvs Brovcram and Crawwortu, Lorp Westeeny took his seat. The only proceeding of interest was a dis- cussion about the ee see, whiely are not_ being treated in accordance with the will of the painter-testator. Loxp Granviiie thought that their being exhibited at Kensington was the best interim measure that could be ted, and Proresson Farapay says that the gas does them no harm. The only i about whieh ae was gatéebly awakened by the tremendous fire which broke out near ndon: on the previous Saturday, and which was still burning while “te ed. In the Commons—India. Friday. There is a Dublin dispute—there, dearest readers, don’t throw down the paper,—consider that it is Punch who speaks, and you ought to listen whether you like it or not—“ Apollo’s oracle never pte. in vain ”—there is a Dublin dispute about the opening some gardens to the public on Sunday afternoon. Into the merits of that particular Trish question Wr. Punch is not gomg now, but inasmuch as the Bisxop R rted to have as: in the debate, that persons who wish to afford the humbler classes the means of harmless enjoy- ment in fresh air, on the Sunday, are “seeking to undermine the sanetity of the Sabbath,’ Docton—whiat’s téjé's name, Suarrespury?—Doctor Watprcrave reminds Mr. Punch of the con- dition of the boxer, who, after a stunning round and fall, came up * nine ways for Sunday.” These new Bishops do not know much, but must surely have vend Txomas Scort, or Martuew Henry. or Dr. Doppriper, or Hartwett Horne, and must have diseovere that Saturday sas the Sabbath, and that Sunday ie the first day of the week, and not the Sabbath. Mr. Punch will overhaul them, at 2 com- petitive examination, one of these fine days. tion, oF CAREISLE is His brother and | | of the | JOHN mch Nar. It} rything about the East, has heard that the new Sultan is a Schleswig: be dates, unintelligible misconceptions, and false. and absurd deductions as in the and very good whelks may be bought in the corner by the} In the Commons, a Bill for improving the law affecting the settlement sa was opposed, sent into Committee by 187 to 44. Sm ‘tutrers SHELLEY, who was cheered, made objections to the measure, as did others, but the common sense of the House was the other way. Mr. Battirme Cocumane talked some nonsense against the Garibaldi fund, and Lorp Jonw Russet said, contemptuously, that it was scarcely necessary for him.to make any observations in reply, but did =o a few, and put Cross-bearer BowYER in a rage. | Phese convertites! A long debate about nothing, in which much good | Seuse was’ uttered in deprecation of wasting time in talking, brought on Army and Civil Estimates, and a good lot of money was shelled out | up to about three in the morning, when Members thought they might ; as well go home. | Mr. Punch sabjoims an extract which the Morning Star gives him. | It illustrates his last week’s mention of Lorp Rosert Montacu’s | vain attempt to keep a House while he was muddling over the Schleswig- Holstein question. | "The Daghladet of Copenhagen | Roperr Mowracc in House the -Holstein question :—‘ We have never met with so many incorrect pays the following tribute to the speech of Lorp of Commons on the 18th instant, in reference to confused mass of nonsense which the noble Lord displayed to the House. The ex- planation which the witty Punch put into the mouth of an honest Paterfamilias, endeavouring to make the Dauish question clear to his youthful heir, thirsting for information, was very much more accurate, and infinitely more intelligible.” Of course it is. We pardon our Danish friend for comparing us for a second to Loxp Rosert Mowraev. Our friend should hear that | Bobby. But we may mention that Lory Roxzerr’s attempt, on the 18th, was elevated into ~~ lity by the infasion of party malice. It is intended, when the House will listen, to try and_fix upon Lorp Patmerstow the charge of having cut sixteen hairs off the head of the Kuve or Dewmaitx, or done ~~~ to somebody’s heirs, in order to please Russia, and of having denied that he had dene so. The business is said to have been done about nine years ago. Will the Dagbladet take his dagger-bladed knife, and give the right party a slight prod ?Pssnck will put the pepper into the hole. FOREWARNED IS DISARMED. A Coo from a Dove. Ox! don’t be afraid That the French will invade This land without any occasion ; Give them all their own way, AndImakeboldtosay = | ‘They will ne’er trouble us with invasion. Supreme on the seas, They will do what they please, : And therefore *tis clear our right course is, we would have peace, To let them increase Their fleet, and cut down all our forces. A FEW SCRATCHES ON PAPER. Everytarne in Japan, if we are to believe one fractional part of what travellers tell us, appears to be made of paper, from a pocket- handkerchief down to a dog-kennel. The very banks may, for what we know, be builf of paper, as many a discount, or bubble-bank is with us. If a conflagration once broke out, sg ag from house to house,. and running on from one hedge to another (for we are informed that the hedges even are cut out of coloured paper, and so wonderfully imitated, as actually to deceive the Japan sparrows), and so communicating gradually from village to village, the mischief might in time extend over the entire kingdom, which, the sooner it is steeped in a solution of alum, the better it will be for its safety. fi There is but little doubt that the whole place once ignited would burn “like a house on fire.” It is questionable even whether the inhabitants would escape, for with so much paper all over the place, there is no gainsaying whether the Japanese themselves may not all be men of letters, and if so, they would perish not less easily than the | contents of a wastepaper-basket. It may be from paper entering thus | largely into all departments, that Japan itself has for centuries past remained so stationary. Fanning the Flame. On the Boulevards (according to Mr. Ketrer) they have been selling fans with the five portraits of the Exrrror, the Empress, the Prince Fureriat, Victor-Emmanvet, and Gartpaupr. The omission of one fancy portrait certainly surprises us in such a place, and that is, that of the Italian General Fan-tt. This sixth portrait would have appro- ' priately completed the series of Portraits de Fanti-sies.

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ight rt. of eket- th us. , and " the tated, ating 1 over alum, would sr the place, m the | y thus | 3 past selling RINCE of one that of appro- Juty 6, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 3 THE DOLEFUL BALLADE OF YOUNG BILL OF BANERUPTCIE, AND YE CRUEL LORDES. Tux Lawyers they walke i ieee Sae do they i in Weetmins a ter Ha’, — Sae does the Members o” Parliament Quhan they play at the jaw. But o’ Lawyers and Members is nane so proud As Sin Ricnanrpe rz Bera to see Wi his briefes and his ane faire childe, Young Brut o’ Banxrupror. “ Now gae bs B pitas Lang ere ll see the mateh | 0’ thee Turned out by Hueu o’ Carns.” Then awa’ and awa’ went that bonnie Bui, T'was its father’s bairne I trow, To the cock o’ the nose and the lisp o” the lip, Aad Gots spon the brow. Oh, prof it ran i spate it rade, who'd say “Here I am; The smooth it stept, and the rough it leapt, To the Lordes’ House till it cam. Then oot cam St. Leonarps—that cruel Lorde, “Come in, my Brx1 so fine ; We’ ll busk thy brow, and dight thy mou’ F And trim yon claws o’ thine.” “ My brow is buskit, my mou’ ff digit! ane claws 0’ ae ne My father, I wee t mer ht, ‘And wha oa after vay oe is Then oot and cam the Lorpr CHELMSFORDE, Black WENSLEYDALE oot cam he ; They hae lured the young thinge in, wi’ worde And act o’ eurtesye. They hae ta’en out each a little penknife, And split him hair by hair; = hae twined the young thinge and his life,— ji their cuts sae sharp : and sair. hie oot, at each job, cam the thick, thick bluid, And oot at each cut the thin ; They hae hacked and gashed, and sui’ or left whole inch of skin. They streikt him oot upon the borde, And dressed him fair and fine, And laughing said, ‘ “Gae now and greet ‘That modest father o’ thine.” They hae rowed him i in the parchment scroll, And tied him wi’ the tape, And east him in at a pigeon-hole, WY bitter jest and jape. Whenne prayers were read, and wi’ wig on head, aE bis neat i seat had ta’ m,, en ka Mem vange ILL, But Sim Ricwarp he ed ot He rolled his gray eyne round ae And he prayed *} not loud but deep ; 3 And he ran unto the Lordes’ Office, Quhair the clerkes were all asleepe. . Hy ba honey yous i Bu, my pretty young Brx1, - On fe father search the fourth * satecmmane Gin ye your Brn Sir Ricwarp ran to the ool pigeon-hole, end knelt upon his knee, My bonny young Bra, an ye be here, I pray thee speik to me “The Lordes were Pi SE cruel, father— ‘ and slashed, They hae hit joy Soom, god gered the claws - Gre sk ae bod me my father deir, P the B nate ra pene seni on Then it’s up and spak Sm. Racnarp, And a grisly acer, (The rest of the MS. is wanting, ey is now being made the conclusion of this very curious the MS. and printed treasures of the Cottonian and Pepysian - may Fam eaen It is apparent! founded on the same re ie ballad printed in Percy’s Collections under the of The ee Daughter. e On the same incident Cuaucer has his Prioress’s Tale. The Percy ballad, like the one Mr. Punch has given above, is a fragment.) —— PITY THE POLICE. HE Horse Guards have, in the pate of able al pe a of formidable rivals pay way. “Those are the rities who preside over ae equipment Fp clothing of fins (Lele “ TT tabulary Bl land Yard ne Hh . i! lity The boots of Policemen have long been objects remark- able for their excessive clum- siness and disproportion. They are obviously —_ that we see, - .: sh wearer ‘oat a where the shoe the head of the Pemene is even worse clad than his feet are, though the demerits of his hat are less conspicuous than those of his ewes. The objectionable pecu- liarities of the Policeman’s hat are chiefly its extreme hardness and excessive weight, which is e— at the crown, so that the thing is not only heavy, but top-heavy. It gets, therefore, instantly knocked off in a row, and leaves Range vara head which it was designed to defend. The glazed glazed top attracts the heat of the sun when that luminary Bag over 3 beat of the wearer. Thus rendering him hot-headed, it mv npeind hinders his obedience to the standing-order of his i es uires that, “a Constable should on all occasions execute his ind timed and discretion. The hat of the Policeman has been ae to a chimney-pot, wherefrom, however similar to it in shape and weight, it differs in the important ‘particular of not allowing the heat ms which ascend into it to escape. In want of elasticity, its resemblance to that other cylinder is perfect. Hence it effectually resists thet expansion of the Policeman’ s cranium which is a condition requisite te accompany the peagreanive mental development of an intelligent By night, when the path of the aya s Eas 4 irradiated by the silvery moon, or the refulgence of the glimmer reflected by his — hat-cover enables thieves og on nee a distance, and elude the vigilance of their parspes. The glazed hat thus oe a purpose which could not be more effectually served by — wy Ses contrivance to the tail of his coat like the apparatus which Nature attached to that of the rattlesnake. The necks of Policemen are moreover constringed with high stiff collars and rigid leather stocks, dese the name of black chokers, which necessarily cause of the a eae someon of the mind, thus overgorged with mech Stacks woe progess within the head enclosed a the hat pas an npn might serve for the punishment of evil ut shoul ed from the uniform of those whose vocation it is to take Thay into custody. The pokes force is not too numerous, but it may be truly said to be veantod ed Their cuts are won There ’s Sr. Lizoxano's his penknife in my het And Wens.eypate’s in my hair “Tt’s ne’er a judge Brovenam e have Nor LyypuurstT a trade jon: S aon “4 : ' still heavier. themselves to the too well-merited ' question, “‘ Who’s your Hatter ? ” The stock of the Policeman is no light grievamee, the hat is e Commissioners of Police are res) ( to take stock, and hat also, with a view to necessary reform in both particulars. ey will nof, surely, after this appalt on ors to expose banter implied in the popular

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Juny 6, 1861, if i} Uf “p Uf TLL f) Mp UTIL ALLL Lf yf Vid Wii) Uy Lids | Ui UGH le ly MPLA TT, CRUEL! Young Swell (log.). “I say, THompsox, DO You THINK I SHALL EVER HAVE ANY WHISKERS?” Thompson (after careful examination). “ Weit, Str, I REALLY DON’T THINK AS YOU EVER WILL—LEASTWAYS NOT TO SPEAK OF!” Young Swell. “THat’s RATHER HARD, FOR MY Pap—I MEAN GOVERNOR—HAS PLENTY !” Thompson (facetiously). “ Yes, StR,—BUT P’R’APS YOU TAKE AFTER YOouR MA!” DAUGHTERS TO SELL. Song bp a Lady of Fashion. Daveuters to sell! Daughters to sell! They cost more money than I can tell ; Their education has been first-rate ; What wealthy young nobleman wants a mate ? They sing like nightingales, play as well : Daughters to sell! Daughters to sell! Here’s 4" fine daughters, my daughters, oh ! German, Italian, and French, they know, Dance like Sylphides for grace and ease ; Choose out your Here ’s a nice wife for a rich young swell : Daughters to sell! Daughters to sell! Beautiful daughters, dark and fair ! ach a treasure to suit a millionnaire, Or fit to pair with any duke’s heir At St. George’s Church by Hanover Square. Hoy! you that in lordly mansions dwell, Daughters to sell! Daughters to sell ! by my dear daughters! Who wants a bride. ¢ can give her a carriage, and horses to ride, Stand an opera-box for his fancy’s queen, And no end of acres of crinoline. Ever new furniture, jewels, and plate, gies oo upon her to wait ; isi ‘aris, Vi an m: In short all that he's ben bro My ters to sell ! 7 > ner, whichever you pleaso. e, l ght up to at home. Here are girls for your money—if out you can shell. daughters ! YUM Les UM TIT UCU UY [Total collapse of Y. S. IN THE NAME OF CONSCIENCE, IT IS MOST WONDERFUL! Here is the greatest marvel we have met with in print for a very long time :— “ The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER acknowledges the receipt of bank-notes to the amount of £80, on account of Income-Tax from ‘ Two Lawyers.’ ” We have always been told what an insurmountable difficulty it was to get any money out of a Lawyer, but here is not only one, but actually two Lawyers, voluntarily (and that constitutes the greatest part of the wonder!) parting with money! Of course, it wasn’t their own, The fact, however, is so far pleasing (if anyt can be pleasing in con- nection with the law or lawyers), as it now satisfactorily settles beyond all cavil, the long-disputed point of “‘ Whether a lawyer has a conscience or not?” We are only afraid that these “Two Lawyers” (who have only just escaped immortality, the rogues, by not publishing their names) must have been terribly uneasy in their consciences to have parted with so large a sum of money as £80! They must have had many sleepless nights before they came to the resolution of parting with it! What hideous crime, or crimes, have they jointly committed? Cockney Conundrum. Wuar’s the difference between the late Sultan, Asput Meps1, and his successor ? F — Mepsip is ABDUL as was, but the present Sultan is ABDUL IZ. OST ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE, £10,000.—Whoever will bring only one-tenth of it to the loser, is perfectly welcome to keep the remainder. Apply to C. D., Whitecross Street, at any time most convenient to the finder.—N.B. No further reward will be offered. oan DAG © wh ik & tee a as OX CONW—waw) Ff atac +t oie

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“YOU SHAN’T INTERFERE, MOTHER—AND YOU O { NAUGHTY JONATHAN. UGHT TO BE ON MY SIDE—AND IT’S A GREAT SHAME—AND I DON’T CARE—AND YOU SHALL INTERFERE—AND I WON’T HAVE IT.”

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Jury 6, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LO'NDON CHARIVARI. 7 GRAY’S ELEGY.’ (Written in the Rooms of the Geographical Society, in the presence of ; Du Cuaiv’s Collections.) Westminster Clock proclaims the close of day ; The Secretary ’s gone to get his tea ; The visitors drop, one by one, away. And leave the place to silence and to me. What specimens are these that meet my sight— What ’s this:collection the apartment holds ? These rude cartoons, where passing human height, The huge Gorilla his long arm unfolds ? Upon these walls thus vauntingly displayed Why should those ill-stuffed skins their places kecp ? Shall sh CuAaiLLv our domain invade, And into fame as a discoverer leap ! Shall these Gorilla tales. that move my scorn, On Murray’s by thousands thus be read ? ——= c bays by him be worn anh by . to graee another head ? For him no eash shall new editions earn, Deck’d with engra' wings cribbed from St. Hitame : No more shall London Lion-hunters burn With this Muncuavsen their repasts to share. a rs ng hts make this Sigkiow yield, Against his eredj a sturdy stroke— Drive his o’er-done Gorilla from the field, Puff out his puffs, and end his tale in smoke. What though an Owss set store by his toil, His credit though a Murcuison assure ? His specimens I’II view with scornful smile, Pronounce them known,—nor only known, but poor. Cannibal Fans in public faith I'll lower, Who can believe in Ghouls that rob the grave ? T’ll make him prove where he spent an our— e Nor yet believe him—though the proof he gave. I'll make a mountain of each molehill fault, __ And o'er it seientifie outery raise : Visit his slips with merciless assault, And damn his merits with the faintest praise. Believe who will Gorillas beat their bust, Till three miles off you hear some breath : That Tschiégo-mbouvés in leaf-shelters thrust Their (by Woxrr drawn, not from life, but. deatl.) I we deny that the Gorilla ~ made. ea man ce ire ; alti is esbellan bra. Than it Ape; makes lowest Nigger higher. But the Gorilla has been known this age a on voor Museum roll : Men have young rillas ma ad found thems doeibs enuataccs on the wali” \ Ctipuah dgomed mbouvé here has been ee a gue nega Have made the Zoologic Gardens stare. With Nyaré, that for bush-cow confest _‘Yame.as an Alderney or Ayrshire stood : _ Potamocha at rest In Regent sank, with tusks untaint of blood. Int’rest of ing thousands to command From fields of to 's realm to rise, To rank as wonders of an own land And blaze transfigured in Du Cratitv’s eyes, Their lot forbade,—nor cireumscribed alone Their ion, but their limbs confined : ih s Park as common creatures known, seen by all, to pay a bob inclined. Across Du Crarit.v’s equatorial life, Poor brutes, Ser pees bed the luck to stray, Be See a dreary life loungers flirt the hours away. For me, who up ie all things, live or dead, Against Du Cuariiu my anions state ; Should you inguire—tow’rds the Museum led— Wherefore my indignation is so great, Haply some kind zoologist may sa; Of have we known Old Gnar his angry horn Level at aught that came across his way, When roused to sudden spite, or spleen; or scorn. “ Running a muck at all within his reach, The victims of his wrath he’d toss sky-high ; And take uncommon liberties of s For which he would be sorry by-and-by. “Large was his knowledge, and his soul sincere,’ But he had faults of temper to amend ; His! often, the reverse of clear, His often, likely to offend. “No farther seek the quarrel to disclose, Which cog Dv Cuattv bade him raise his rods, In fight when Owen, Guay, and Huxuzy close, *Twixt right or wrong who shall declare the odds?” AN ABSURDITY IN THE LAW. One of the Magistrates of Marlborough Street tells us that— ‘‘& Dog might bite any person once or twice without there being any remedy against the owner.” Tn cases of hydrophobia, we should think that being bitten once would be more than sufficient, and we doubt if even then the poor unfortunate ealf, so lacerated, would have much of # remedy against the owner. Mr. Tyrwuirt calls it am absurdity in the law, and— “He couldn't tell how it had its rise, but certain it is that, th some tic Heer it is necessary to show tliat the dog in such a case hep g 24 aes its.” Such law we call only worthy of Dogberry. A man is answerable for co Pieggeny by his servant, by his horse, or his pig, or (to — ike an Irishman) any other member of his family ; and then for his dog? Does this legal indulgence extend to all How apse es me my Doc bony ight ha bite any one once or twice without there being any re against constituency owns him, or would he be excluded? frece Gat cniias i i much as it would be easy to show that he was a dog of poner 5 ee Ro the ey it, is very a to oe, especially as t days are fast ‘spprosehing, og bite aa or your child (and the ubby legs of chiloen saat he very tempting to many a hungry dog), and you would not liave a leg to stand in court, unless you show. that there was a bi ak ee in each of 7 od, Pens best chanee of veliat would be to appeal to the “Society for the Brotection Se Your claim. would, of course, be under the: head of “« ves,” At it Again, you See! Tie Wiscount is ever apt at ek a other day was talking of America, and sa: to es all free without injurmg their‘ owners wo! almost an act of magic. “Magic!” chirped the Wiscount. ‘“ Well, I don’t see that exactly. But it might certainly be called an act of negro-mancy! ” POLITE LETTERS IN THE POLICE FORCE. Commissioner Mayne is about to publish his Memoirs. He has appropriately taken up the well-known title, “‘ Les Chrontques ie Gil-de-Beuf ;” _ it with no small brilliancy, wh reflects the greatest credit on lumiéres.as a literary character, into “Tae REVELATIONS OF A Poniceman’s Buii’s-Exz.” Church-Bate. that tn the sulling one in Sompalled tx gine ta tho ow-opense Ge te tis the s one Is ew: on Sunday before ou are favoured with a ‘att When we think of the many rates we have paid im this way, our virtuous indignation against the system, and our of the extortion, are such that we camo help exclaiming, “ Proh Pem-door !” Tyratiiste Recrez ror Hor Weatser.—What is the best way to prevent meat turning? Eat it straight off. NLL LL ALL ALLL LLL ALL LE LA

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 6, 1861. SUNN = \ 4 \ y SS | FAN. 4 os \* \\ GA X A SUGGESTION. How to make the Crystal Palace Concerts pay.—Hint to the Directors: Verbum sap. (N.B. The Conductor is higher up, on a Flying Trapex.) OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. “Mr. Puncn, “** Have you heard Parti?’ ‘ What do you think of Parrt?’ These two questions one is asked at every pay that one goes to; and as operatic ignorance is not always bliss, I am glad I now can answer the first in the affirmative. en I hear the second query, Tam rather cautious in wording my reply, and am apt to sound my hearers and ascertain their bias somewhat, lest they misunderstand me. In speaking of a young débutante like ApEINA Patti, one cannot too careful in expressing what one thinks of her. If language was invented to conceal one’s real thoughts, in no way is this notion more easy to be acted on than in venting an opinion on some musical moot |] point, One may speak in mre terms such as convey uo special meaning, and may murmur forth mild adjectives like ‘c ’ and ‘delightful,’ which, now that critics have recourse to such superlative laudation, may be accepted as amounting to faint damnatory praise. Or if one wishes more completely to mystify the questioner and kee secret what one thinks, it is easy to resort to musical s logy, an talk scientific nonsense about ‘ quality of tone,’ and ‘ th of vocal colouring,’ terms which none but connoisseurs affect to comprehend. “ After but one hearing who can form a fair opinion of a singer? and who will blame me if I hesitate in telling I think? Enough to say that I was pleased, though perhaps not quite so much so as the newspapers in general had of ae to expect. That a mere girl of eighteen at once should take first rank among ae pens nas, and be regarded as the equal of Livy, Marreran, GRISI, was a tale that might find credence t’ other side of the Atlantic, but which would meet with few believers in our cooler-blooded clime. Yet our critics followed suit in singing almost unmixed praises ; and some of them have poured forth such exuberance of eulogy as makes one fear they are leaf-taking from the Transatlantic press. No one who has her, and who has not Bottom’s ears, can dispute that Ma’ aAMSELLE Parti is a wonderfully clever and highly accomplished singer—con- aioe bee age: indeed, with this consi on, if one said Zoo highly accomplished, it would not be far from truth. Over-cultivation may be fatal to young voices, just as over-training is destructive to a horse; and though I would not say that Parrt has been over-taught, I think her voice shows traces of having been too mq | somewhat over-worked, Clear and sweet it is, and may grow more full and strong: a girl of eighteen scarcely has come to her full strength. But it lacks that per my Tg athy and tenderness of tone which is a gift of nature rather than of art, and I almost doubt if a too early education may not be destructive of this nature-gift. The joyous cry of Matrpran when waking in the last act in Sonnambula was certainly not singing, but it was something better; and however excellent Patti’s style may be | (and I give her special praise for discarding the attic which is now so fashionable, and I think so foolish), I would wings ose hearing of her most finished phrases to catch but one of those outbursting nature- notes of Jenny Linn, that stirred one’s-soul within one, and, not pleasing the ear merely, went straight to the heart. “Foreigners are fond of saying that we English have no.taste for music, and the truth of this remark is most abundantly made manifest by the fact that all this season the Zimes has daily had two columns of musical announcements, and the oy has been open four or five nights every week. Even this, it seems, has failed to satisfy our wants, and the Lyceum has been furnished with an operatic company to catch the overflowings from the house that Grx built. Whatever be its faults the rival management is quick in the performance of its promises ; and oe ng thought the scratch way in which it started, I think it should be posted as the winner of some praise. I saw Martha t’other evening very creditably played. Trrrens and Grveum1 were_both in lorious voice, and have rarely pleased me more than in this English, Trish, Polish, and Italian opera, as it may, I think, be not unfairly called, for the scene is laid near London, the chief air came from Ireland, the words are all Italian, and the composer was a Pole. “Reflecting upon things in general, the philosopher remarked, ‘There’s nothin’ new, and there’s nothin’ true, and what there is don’t signify.’ Now these wise words might now find echo in our theatres for except that the Lyceum has been turned into an Opera-house, and that a fairish squad of Frenchmen may be seen at the St. James’s, nothing new of consequence has sinee my last been visible. Without the aid of splendid scenery and gorgeous fettings up, Mr. FecuTer still succeeds in filling the Princess’s as fully as was done by his great SSS 4 meee eer eo eer] SPesdbecsmen =~ —2 OP ose Oo Pe Eins

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Jury 6, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. i di ho upheld the British Drama by the force of the a See ‘ wohl oy ond ‘ih. Sa cearaane, plus swell scenery, 4 mien te FRENCH DIPLOMACY IN PLAIN ENGLISH. British mind. At the Haymarket the Overland Route has been revived,} ye Puouvewes, has addressed to the Spanish and ; : : : : F , panish and Austrian Ambas- ee ee mg a. pe ger sl sadors a despatch in reply to their invitation requesting France to su o | ran half ty t’s laugh micht surely well be spared | °-operate with their respective Governments in upholding the tem- ways . ai think it a ae aie i ae Fi hp ll wineis poral power of the Porz. From the general style of this document, In I bait, from bei fo, 4d off ‘'y a, Whe mast fediiicas and particularly from the subjoined_piece of it, we eonclude that its pb ritish drama from being found offensive t presentation to their Ultramontane Excellencies was accompanied by a poe polite intimation to the effect that they might put that in their pipes “One wuo Pays.” and smoke it :— “* The gravest dangers which now menace the temporal sovereignty of the Holy See proceed, it is true, from without, and if the occupation of Rome provides for remains exposed to which EAT. ABLE B OU QU ETS. the necessities of the present, the future we sincerely wish to avert.” ee ae This is just a diplomatic way of saying:—“ Now mind, you two ‘) to start at Mich blockheads, the immediate danger which the sovereignty of the Pore —_ with which | over the City of Rome stands in just at this moment, is no doubt that the penny _ papers | of annexation to the Kingdom of Italy, by the Government of Vicror- are continually pro-| Bywanvex. For the present, perhaps, France may manage to sustain the Papal chair on the points of her bayonets. ‘That is all very well for the time being, but this state of things won’t last, and what you e line have to fear by-and-by is, the dissolution of the Papal monarehy from that an at ny internal causes. ‘The probability is, that the temporal sub of his t ° a hecmtateh Holiness, tired of the‘coercion to which they are subje ‘or the sup- in france bech ‘ae’ | posed interests of religion, will at length begin to listen to the - eng eye 2 ments of those who maintain that his claims to infallibility, amd the edible “be woe nets | ante of Christendom, are all bosh. The conviction that the , -_ om Porr’s spiritual supremacy is a naee, growing in Italy, could onl, were gece te to | exist with submission to his temporal rule, under a pressure whic most How the France would find it daily more difficult to exert. In , the whole ‘waste. ha F me- | papacy would ultimately blow up; and this is the s *t oa b we ‘we want to avert if we ean, though we are afraid it must happen sooner t _ ak ye 4 Cen | or later. Let your master and your mistress know what we say, and dows a i tell them to be quiet, and not allow their bigotry to induce them to act _ Pretend © | like fools.” _ viding us, we own we felt a tingle of surprise the other guess ; t! INN es RTE nosegays — eaten is such a nove notion, that we im NOT EXACTLY ROSEWATER. tend te lose no chance of eatehing by the button some scientific | friend, and extracting, if we can, a ee of the process. At} present, cauliflowers are the only sort of flowers that we have ever! heds-— — p and sithough ws —_ - — ren og —_s : ‘. ed es) “If those who have stable manure will take 4 oz. of sulphuric acid and t we have never met a traveller who has actually partaken of them. e cr aul are - Boos , cote should almost as soon have thought of having a feast of tea-leaves as oaoile See ee naman agua abana byte! fone of sitting down to breakfast, lunch, or dine off roses ; and as for eating it will counteract the unpleasant smell.” my ang np Supping of aed tendhaess or of having pickled Fa ine, vritew thon geen om torcumiain, Hash: Se eeaptetionte: sf, Sixt : * : ilismg compound is destroyed by the sulphuric acid in fixing the sq sme phmttape corms ao a on the dinner-table, but rns po de vs by ees ee: bpp or oes ole be the we have never yet regarded them as part of the repast. Now in suloh = ‘id a = th np 7 ee tor . that = fature we shall fancy they are put there to be eaten ; and we shall ask, f D bein a inf o nd that th, mJ aan k Stes be manuel nt ce pom if we so choose, for a small helping of peony, just as we might do for , TO” fed “th the t tent 6 fa — uw hich the are ks . siee of pine. Crocusses a | crea wat take the place of straw- sprinkled wi e contents of a watering-can which 1e rose on. rries, and one’s mouth will very likely water for geraniums as it now ' sometimes does for - s. Now that flowers are found edible, there’s no telling what queer floral dishes one may dine off, queerer even than | APPEAL EXTRAORDINARY. the entrées of chopped tea-leaves and salt cucumbers, Which are among . $ j ve ; the dainties: of a r @ la Russe. A plat of grassplat served au; Inp1a now and then gives the highest tribunal of the British Empire naturel, may = the ~~ a. salad a a Se seerting hot nen ‘some strange work to do. The other day, for instance :-- asa tivkir> to the palate, a of devilled nettles may be; « oF ; . cooked ta lien Gu-caury, alter hick one will lusurate m dandelion ice, (yend¥e Jdisisl Commits of Privy Coumethaaton Saturday, Am Appes! trom If as sweet a taste as they have smell, how gourmands a will when violets come 1n. and wait with growin gusto for the What can have been the matter in dispute between Lams and Does? age roses! Hashed calf’s head in future will give place to | The bone of contention was perhaps one whieh Does had appropriated, mashed marigolds; and aldermen who now are satisfied with turtle, | but it can hardly be conceived to have belonged to Lams, though a will be heard singing the praises of good sunflower soup. A haunch of ; mutton-bone might have been the bone of one of Lams’s ancestors, venison will be followed by a bunch of fresh verbenas ; dalilia dinners | and the property of Wise. An illustrated paper the other day pub- down at Richmond will supplant the Greenwich whitebait, and cold | lished a portrait of a little dog named “ Looty” found in the Summer | cactuses for supper will quite suppersede hot tripe. | Palace at Pekin. lLooty is a nice Indian name for a dog; but let us | A CorrEsPonpDENT of the Times gives the following directions for substance, which is the principal component of hot- The only thing we fear is if young ladies take to carrying eatable | hope that it is one not applicable to the Docs Brsoy and Kisuem. banque thas will be an end to all the sentimental feelings with which a fond adorer begs a flower from his fair one, that he may put it in his | button-hole or press it to his heart. Instead of doing this he would, if The Way to Win Him. it were edible, be very much more likely to put it to his mouth; and wap ph | after having vowed that he would treasure it for ever, he would scarcely A Fast Girl fails to catch a lord and master, be a moment in gobbling it all up. Moreover too the language of Because some other girls are rather faster. lowers no longer be suitable for purposes of sentiment ; for, now And ev’n a fast man fears to take a wife, that nosewars may he eaten, a lovesick swain will shrink from so If fast, who ll be bound fast to him for life. dec fond feelings, lest his gift should be returned to him, and he be reduced to eating his own words. And just imagine the despair of a sentimental youth, who, after having cmahalls composed a ote. | O NATIONS EMBARRASSED IN DIFFICULTIES.— As the ration in the form of a bouquet, should find his ANGELINA munching French are about to vacate Syria, the Emperor NaPOLEON would feel obliged to fondphrases, just as coolly as she would a bit of bread and butter, | S8y,ninsdom, whose aftaire are temporarily omitemls without rescrve, ae be is ora mouthful of dry toast ! Y : ae extremely anxious to give his army some fresh occupation. a

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. CHARIVARI. —- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON A nil Rooms, NOT OVERCROWDED—CapPitTaL SupreER ! " Ae Taare f | A SERIOUS DRAWBACK. Hideous Old Lady of Fashion (with Plain Daughter). “Cuarmixe Batt at Stk CHARLES’s LAST NIGHT! DEAREST BARBARA ENJOYED HERSELF PRODIGIOUSLY ! WELL AVOID ASKING His SisteER aND Niece TO My Batt, NEXT WEEK, HE IS SO FOND OF THEM; AND YET YOU KNOW THAT THEY ARE PEOPLE WHO DO NOT GO OUT NEARLY AS MUCH AS WE DO, AND ARE NOT AT ALL IN OUR POSITION IN Socrety !” EVERYBODY THERE—G0OOD I DON’T SEE, HOWEVER, HOW I CaN TRIP OF ELECTRIC TELEGRAPH. sionally makes a shocking mistake. the other day, from the Eternal City :— ** No improvement has taken place in the health of the Porr. ** Reactionary agents have been sent to Umbria and the Marches.” If the former of the two announcements above quoted stood alone, it would afford too much reason to apprehend that his Holiness the Pore was seriously ill. But it assumes the character of a mistatement when taken in connection with the latter. Put this and that together, and you will then see good cause for supposing that to be a blunder. The | information that reactionary agents have | implied illness of the Por ; | hoping that the Sovereign | business. At the same -time | foment disturbance in the newly-constituted Kingdom of ' telegram relative to Pro Nono, corrected in accordance with reasonable conjecture. “‘ No improvement has taken place in the ideas of the Pore.” Such, no doubt, is what the message would have been if rightly transmitted. Let us, therefore, rejoice in concluding that his has nothing the matter with him, but is all alive and kicking. | “a SOUND CONSCIENCE PRODUCES SOUND SLEEP.”—WM. F. Tupper. | _ Ws are told that, “as a man makes his bed, so he must lie in it.” _ It is so with a bankrupt; for we find that, when his balance-sheet is not drawn up all straight, there is generally awful lying in it. | Tue flash of electricity that courses along the telegraphic wire occa- | In the subjoined passage touching a certain one out of a number of ock ‘ There are reasons for trusting | young racehorses, that amusing and instructive sporting writer, that a grave blunder is involved in the subjomed telegrams despatched, | “‘ Arcus,’”’ has probably afforded some cause of misunderstanding to France :— “But Brother to Summerside, by West Australian out of Bui ; is the of | the lot, and without exception the very finest yearling I ven bebeld im mag tiley and | will make many @ poor man’s mouth water.” A little lm as nice an animal as a man would like to look*at.” “We, of | course, understand what is meant by a horse that will: make a poor |man’s mouth water, and by one that is as nice an “as @ man ; : een sent to Umbria and the | would wish to look at. Marches is rather inconsistent than otherwise with the news of the | Société Hippophagique of Paris construe such language in application for, if it is true, there is fair ground for |¢o horseflesh ? Pontiff is at least well enough to attend to | accustomed to look at horses with eyes like their own, with eyes such the mission of reaqwonary secnts to | ” aon which, s the = Cattle a. —— — may be | - aly, 18, ON | observed contemplating the prize oxen. Perhaps the Parisian Dogsmeat | the other hand, a fact which not only agrees with, but confirms, the | Association will be ne neg by the information above quoted, to send /an agent over here with a commission to purchase the animals which, 'to their apprehension, it will have represented in a savoury character. The Society of Horseaters will doubtless be willing to pay the price : : peed C E that may be demanded for the colts which they would want to convert oliness is bodily in good case, and, barring infatuation and obstinacy, | into equine veal, if they can possibly afford it, which is not certain; for | although they may have more money than brains, it does not'therefore follow that they are very rich. | | “Aut Attve, On! ”’—Friendship, it must he confessed, is of a far | more cannibalistic turn than nig vay: _ Me enemies, but they are eaten up by their friends. HORSE VEAL. further on our author tells us that the Palmyra colt, * will But how will M. pe St. Hizarre and the Surely they will conclude it to imply that we are Men are merely bitten by their [Jury 6, 1862, f both in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlese, Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of Si. Bride, in the City of London.— Saturpay, July 6, 1861. =—— Ss em ie

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Jury 13, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

DOWN staid YOUR STAR-DUST! ucH astonisliment seems to have been caused among the astronomers by the splen- did new Comet, which has peared in celebration of the ope Mr. Punch’s Forty-first x Rak It came unintroduced, and has been looked upon, or, rather, up to, as a sort of intruder. As nobody else knows anything about its past history, Mr. Punch has not = least hesi- tation in oe of his own # perso ge, that it . is one of the ‘too observed by Nicernorvs, 276 a.c., that it spptered i in England, in the time of Krve AuFrep, 1337, and again in the rei of James THe First, 1473 and that it ip be rein age 3 the 29th o about ten 0’ es i XN “the evening. If any astrono- mer, or other person, doubt this last faet, Mr. Punch is open to an offer of the usual British method of settling a Sate, and the amount of the bet, large or small, ey et de — at his Office, to await the event. His publisher of that da; d it to the posterity of the winner on a eertificate from the lineal ST ennnden of the Astronomer Royal, whom Mr. Punch ivereby requests to register the offer in the archives of Greenwich.

CHEMICAL NOMENCLATURE FOR LADIES. “ Mr. Puncn, **Tr is ‘pleasing to find Pictorial Art linked hand in hand with he group standing, so to speak, in the attitude of s. This remark is suggested by two pontings which adorn the cae of ie Royal Academy Exhibition. In each of them there is a delightful representation of a young female, who bears the interesting name of Exarne. I say interesting, because, as you know, Eta, or Oxerne, is the liquid constituent of adipose matter, and every student of chemistry must regard with interest the idea of that fluid consolidated in such level ly forms as those above specified. ““ELatne has been well chosen by a great living poet for the name of 'a heroine. But Exare, as I n not inform you, has a sister, | Srearine, the erystalline component of fat: in order to obtain her. | you treat mutton suet with ether. Shall Sreanrne want a sacre bar d to immo her? Can’t you get one of a young men to do Mr, Punch ?—and, if there is nobody to paint her, at least you Tight desire a talented artist of your own to draw her likeness on wood; and then Stzarrve would be a beauty without paint. Or what say you to gi us a Cartoon, whereof the subjects shall be ‘ Benanairn and Exainz, or the Two Sisters.’ It might perhaps be remarked that Euatwe and STEARINE were the daughters of Fatima. Exense this perhaps too venturous suggestion from your | Poe subseriber, IRPUMP “P.S. Many og: Se might be culled from the flowery paths of Chemistry ; names, like Exare and Srearrnz, ending in ine. There is Guycermve, for instance, and Cunormng, and Bromine, which last would be a sweet name for a young lady in the habit of using patchouli.” Belge Soe Science ; a,

Railway Transport of Beasts. Iw a letter to, the Times, “Viator” complains that, on the London ~ Canterbury Railway, "he was y annoyed by ‘the behaviour of five ruffians who, ar qrank, were locked up with him in a crowded third-class carriage. That, of course, was not the fault of the Company, which, however, will now, from this time forward, no doubt, take care that its guards shall not infli¢t blackguards on respectable peo le. It hi Jy all the other Ratlway, Com: pales the example of establishing es, or sot-boxes, in w. drunken passengers shall be iat up y themselves, like pigs.

Pickep vp IN Tatrersau’s Yarp.— Why is an unskilful speculator on the Turf like a pig ?—Because he never has anything to do with the Ring but what he has to pay through the nose for it. DAME DURDEN ON THE BELGRAVIAN DIFFICULTY. I’vE got no patience with the gals there’s all that talk of in the papers, As runs up sitch tremendious bills at jewellers and linen-drapers ; Their mothers is as bad and wus to bring ’em up with sitch high notions : What man would ynarry wives like them though tens of thousands was their potions ? A any og on for every meal, for breakfast, lunch, and tea, and Sitch v = ty a ty dail ie as that I calls the conduck of a sinner. To think o five o’elock, your ‘ ”? and dinin’ arter, Drat ye, I’d be about your house if one of you was my own darter! And then your uproars and your routs, although the rising sun gives warning, Yet on you danein’ to the axel We won't go home till Morning ; What man as his nateral slee if over hak tt to incumber His ell with her a Koep sek owt ie dt Ml ed en slum yo" va oad ogg t abide is all that Rotten Row maintain, unworthy of a British ay pyaar twisl, avi abter to see young gals demure But I = cooks # “ Dow talk to me, git out with all them | rse- I’m told fey learnt you fust to wear them pork-pie hats so free and ig A pretty copy to be sure, to set the fashions, » highty-tighty ! And which is which ’tis hard to tell , you’re all so forrad and so jaunty, With crinolines and Balmorals fantastical and gallivaunty. Ah! there, I know in my young days we never durst a word to mention, Of sitch t now 4s occupies gals’ conversation and attention, Which I Tl’ m shocked to hear, their imperence is so amagitt, I never thought that I should live to see young women grow so brazen. And what ¢an their mammas expect, that makes so sad a lamentation ? Nobody comin for to woo; who would I wonder? Botheration ! The = can’t get husbands ! none, it stands to reason, could endure A broometiek or nice rope’s end is what I’ d take to.’em to cure ’em.,

A CRUEL JOKE. WE are glad to see that the Officers of — and others are prose- cating the country, butchers and salesmen for = putrid meat up be the Metropolitan markets. Ata recent case at the Mansion ouse,— ‘* ALDERMAN HAte said he knew there were a class of in the country who thought Londoners would eat any kind of moat, and they thouglit it a good joke if they could only succeed in palming off their bad meat upon the London consumers, and he, therefore, would commit defendant for trial.” We have no doubt that there is a certain class of capa pa who, in their extreme facetiousness, i that at am is good enough for the stupid Cockneys ; but we beg to tell 7 ee that such “a joke” may be great sport to them, bat death to those at whose expense the filthy joke is cut. It is <2 i in the way of jesting; and we sup if they do poison a few hundreds, that Oey a be excused, for they “poison but in jest.” The old saying of * What is one man’s meat is another man’s poison” becomes thus painfully verified: the “meat” of the country, sent w in this putrid state, is literall yy the “poison” of the Metropolis, e notice that several ‘of these Poisoners of the Nineteenth Century are been punished with severe fines. gy noe og with hard labour woul be a fitter reward for such j io ocular Figth'e Perhaps they might ne consider three months’ engin ni of in dyer ing oakum as ‘ ajoke” as disseminating disease thro he medium of meat in a corru pt state. To perpetrate jokes ore sO killing a nature, the minds of t malefactors must be almost as c t as ony — they deal in. Their slaughterhouses were never intended f human beings as well as animals. The City Magistrates are be highly commended for attempting to stop this pn of the butcher’s business.

A Very Natural Mistake. Lorp Durrertx, the British Commissioner in Syria, has appointed a Knight Commander of the Bath. As § is co} cay in the deeoraied Wi ire, stag with a qn Me ship has been decorate be erroneo eee Bath. se

VOL. XLI, c

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

, / 4 j ' ee SX "AY | Y {A / aM / ; ~ Vf, 4 4 < S ASN S \ \ , Gi Mi \\\ This is why Charies, who took his two Fair Cousins to see Blondin on any means a “ Disgusting Exhibition.’ WANTED A COURT PENMAN. | Roya personages, in answering loyal addresses, of course speak only that which is set down for them. if they made speeches of their own, they would be continually committing themselves, unawares, to this statement and that, and unwittingly treading upon the corns of various people right and left. At least, to avoid making mistakes of this sort, they would have to take an amount of trouble in com- posing their replies. so great that it would very much interfere | with their ordinary business, and entirely spoil their pleasure. It is | therefore necessary that Princes should be provided with attendants having the office to compose, and put into form, the platitudes in which they are called upon, from time to time, to acknowledge the compli- ments which are paid to them. But then the platitudes ought to be expressed in proper terms, such as it may become a Prince to utter ; that is in language which a decently educated person would naturally | use. Now, is anybody who has been brought up in any school better | than a Commercial Academy, capable of delivermg himself in such a | style as that of the subjoined slipslop which the Priyce or Watzs had | \

to read in answer to an address presented to him by the Kingstown Commissioners ? **Gentlemon,—I most heartily thank you for the gratifying terms in which, on your own behalf and that of the inhabitants of Kingstown, you greet me on my | arrival at your port, after a voyage performed with such ease and expedition in the — vessel considerately placed at my disposal by its enterprising pro- prietors.” What gent was it that made up this mixture of pompous vulgarisms ? “ Gratifymg ” terms. Voyage performed with such “ease and expe- dition.” “ Admirable vessel considerately placed at my disposal by its enterprising proprietors.” Why these are all the familiar phrases of puffing tradesmen’s advertisements. The last of the foregoing passages relative to the Connaught and the Steam-Packet Company, would lead one to suppose it to have been written by somebody in the interest of that concern.. It would probably be unjust to a well-informed and sen- sible man to suggest that its author was the steward of the above- named vessel. SS: WS x [Jury 13, 1861.

MISSED HIS TIP. ANDERSON, the slave who struck for freedom, is in London, and was welcomed, the other day, at a public meeting, where the righteousness of his act was affirmed by acclama- tion. But who, does the public think, was chosen as Chairman ? No other man than the deadly and declared destroyer of the bug—no other man t the insecticide Harrer TwELveTreES! But he missed an opportunity of puffing one of his wares, and this is strange. Why did he not dilate upon his Patent Miraculous Wash- ing Powder, and declare that by a proper application of that wonderful invention, their friend ANDERSON himself, black as he was, could be washed as white as a_ lily? “Harper, thou wert not wont to be so dull.”

i ui! rik — ue

A Legal Mull. Ar the last Examination in Chan- cery Lane, an embryo attorney came upon the question, “ What ‘ |is ‘the Act for Facilitating the | Acknowledgment ‘of Deeds of Married Women?” He wrote. “T have not bestowed much study on the practice in the Divorce | Court, but I surmise that this act is imtended’-to enable Sm C. |CRESSWELL to obtain evidence | |more easily.” The portrait of Mr. Hotme frowned upon him, and he is not to be let loose upon clients.

~ ae SSay Wee © A \ ~~ ~ TZ \ \ = WS A \ the High Rope, did not think it by some years ago through the country, I had considerable opportunities of witnessing the beauty of her scenery.” Some clue to the authorship of the preceding «instances of haber- dashers’ eloquence may perhaps be found in those characteristic forms of speech, “ considerable” opportunities, and “ witnessing” the beauty of her scenery. These are the notorious idioms of that sort of penny-a- lining which is the least worth a penny. The advisers of the Prince or Watezs should cause their own private secretaries to write the speeches which they give the Prince to make, and not employ for that yurpose the undermost reporter engaged on the Court Circular. At a let the QuEEN’s son be allowed to speak his Mother’s English. As there is a Poet-laureate, so likewise ought there to be a Royal Professor of Prose, whose office, however, shall not be merely honorary, but shall consist in plainly wording the simple ideas which Royalty is occasionally called upon to express. Mr. Punch could mention some | young men, who, at a sufficiently high wages, would accept the work.

Old Fogy’s Glee. Ou, the girls that we have seen All in their time so fair ! Now some are fat, and some are lean, So much the worse for wear. To think I see my early flame In yonder Mrs. Grunpy ! Once I was mad for that old dame ! Sie transit gloria mundi !

Sabbatarians Snubbed. Ir is delightful to find that the body of fanatics, F yoprsmey: J a | majority of the Royal Dublin Society, who have refused to open their Botanical Gardens to the public on Sunday, have had the vote of £2382, which they wanted, disallowed by the House of Commons pending their Sabbatarian exclusion of the people from that place of moral and intel- lectual recreation. If these bigots or humbugs are consistent, they |

His Royal Highness is also actually made to say :—

must believe that the injunction to “consider the lilies of the field” | is one that ought not to be observed on Sundays.

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Jury 13, 1861.] PUNCH, OR ‘'HE LONDON CHARIVARI. 201) 4 J J /, WD Mi) GROUNDLESS ALARM. Stout Equestrian. “Dov rou Know, Loves, I’M ratHer sorry I @ OT THIS Hat, FOR SUPPOSE I SHOULD BE TAKEN FoR a “ PRETTY HORSEBREAKER ! ” PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Juxy 1, Monday. Bisnor Tart, of London, announced, on behalf of the ARcHBISHOP oF CANTERBURY and the Church generally, that they | would hail a speedy settlement of the Church Rate question, and would deplore any settlement that should leave a rankling in the minds of | their dissenting brethren. It seems difficult to speak more civilly than | spoke Dr. Tart, who is a zealous and earnest hierarch, and who might | have been seen on the previous Sunday preaching in the open air to the | heathen of Covent Garden. Lorp Brovenam expressed his conviction | that in the matter of St. Domingo we ought not to place the slightest confidence in the promises of Spain not to introduce slavery into that | island; and though the Colonial Secretary begged BroveHam not to be so rude, Lorp SrratrorpD DE REpcuirre observed that Spain takes every opportunity of cheating: The Commons considered the Four Seats Bill. Mr. Tom DuncomBe amiably pointed out the fact that the Government had been thoroughly beaten on this question, and had been forced to abandon the principle on which they had declared the Bill to be based. Defeated in the attempt to create a new metro ete of the majority, and hand over the extra Member to the West But Mr. Dun- Then | ent of animadverted upon the abandonme1 ill was rinciple. COMBE’s attempt to overthrow the b affied by 204 to 28. two Scotchmen demanded a Member for the Scottish Universities, and | Sim James Gran postponed the claim of the London University, and | supported that of the Ri ; and it was finally settled that after the dissolution of this present Derbyite Parliament, the West Riding of Yorkshire shall be split into North and South, and that each shall have its share of Wapentakes (which may be something nice to eat for any- thing Mr. Punch knows), and the two portions shall each have two Members, and the chief electoral place for the North shall be Leeds, and that for the South shall be Pontefract, at which latter place the | PALMER as Solicitor. olitan borough, and mixed up in the defeat on | the attempt to give a third Member to Middlesex, they succumb to the | idmg. Lorp Fermoy, also, and other Government . supporters, | celebrated Mr. Guity was returned, and the celebrated Mr, Savers may be returned if the constituency likes him. Our friend Pam’s Ministry is getting divers knocks and kicks, and does not look very strong on its pins just now, while the Tories are shoving together, shoulder to shoulder; and if it were not for Foreign Affairs there might be “an ugly rush,” and in spite of foreign affairs something of the kind may not be far off. But that is our friend Pam’s own business. Mr. Punch is sorry, however, that Lorp P. is not strong enough to carry out his own intentions as to the legal ap- ointments. He caused it to be proclaimed to the world that he had got Mr. RounpEtt Patmer for Attorney-General, and that Sm Witt1am ATHERTON was to go up as judge. Now, it appears that the Liberal parliamentary barristers kicked up such a horrible row about the be- stowal of the Attorney-Generalship upon Mr. Patmer, who was a kind of Peel-Conservative, and certainly not one of the Liberal party, that Pam was obliged to give way, stick ATHERTON, who is a thi > Hevea into the place just vacated by Sm Ricuarp BetHett, and put in The which concession argueth not a conviction on the part of the Constable that the present Ministerial arrange- ments are likely to outlast the world. It is said that the Patmer still wears the Conservative cockle-shell, and comes in “with liberty of tf > reservation.’ Civil Estimates came on, and the Wiscount, who shall be discoro- netted for the night, as a mark of respect, because he twice talked very ood sense, made some remarks upon the people having to keep up ampton Court Palace for members of the aristocracy. Answered Mr. Cowrer with the usual official hambug—the infusion of a grain of truth in a pint of falsehood: ‘‘ Her Majesty had given permission for the widows of distinguished officers ay Tod ed there.” Very nice, and nothing would be more delightful to Englishmen than to know that such homes were provided for those who were dear to our heroes. But. “There are ¢hree widows in the Palace, and the rest of the apartments are given up to remnants of the aristocracy.”? The money was voted, but the false pretence was smashed. Then it was arranged that the mass of bronze and undertakery called the Wellington Car should be Bg away into a crypt of St. Paul’s, where nobody need see it (as Mr. CowPeR explained) who did not make special demand to see it. Upwards of £22,000 was voted for the Brompton Boilers, and very

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14 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Jury 13, 1861. properly, and nearly £100,000 was given for keeping up Parks and alaces. In the course of this discussion complaints were made of the new encroachment in Kensington ens. Mr. Punch personally in- spected this Ride the other day, and it appears to,him that so far from its being a harmless arrangement, it is a cutting up of one of the most leasant walks m the Gardens. It is yery hard that people with six egs can’t go a little further off, and Jeaye the only y garden in London to_ with two legs only, T came the yotes for the ornamentation of the new Houses, Mr. Wuii1am Wiaiams spoke up for a statue to one of the ablest generals, test statesmen, and rulers that Eng’ wisest U ever meant Oxiver Crom- wELL. The House receiv i ed this just homage OLIVER Son tested Micheal’ ait aa that Cao Protector’s name was in the statue-i 4 , the images of successor, For Gores Caynine Frast was a Papist, and CHARLEs secret, and old Noll would tyrant and a P itor. time comes, Mp, works of Jenemy Tay Fires? Cuanigs, and yet not the Szconp. Tuesday. The Nogmawsy snub was more PP ona, N. wants to pepe By Bs, of the tyrants thrust out by Italy, and chari but such people as Lornp N 4 advised him to his tongue, but the goose persi ox “order” shut u very sensible speech feeble Bill for the Union of enabling any persons who oguld for their m : , if this fashion for pet Sade) to have a Bi A rich marehioness would should be alike in regard to calv ceeded to allude to the Church. question, and it ought to be discussed in mmons, that di 3) might be said there, but that they would not rankle unless they con- tained truth. He did not want any great addition of Bishops, for he did not approve of the principle of constant interference by authorities. But he was for } and for other reforms, The Bishop’s speech ey elicited praise from the Gold-Boy, Mercator Overston®, and the Bill was demolished by 68 to 11. Lorp ELLENBOROUGH, speaking of the necessity of keeping a Reserve of Naval Officers, declared his conviction that a war was “inevitable,” wa thes a ht come upon us at K a ea Rim fhe Preenant rumpets, the r is usually in ambush—but our ep no been in work of late, and may be a little nervous. On a Scotch School Bill in the Commons, Mz. Bouverts told a goodish story—a schoolmaster had a fixed allowance, and naturally did not want more work than he could not avoid, so whenever new boys came he used to flog them perpetually, until their parents took them away, and him to his gentler occupations. A new writ was moved for Durham, Sir Witu1aM ATHERTON ing Attorney-General, vide supra, By the way, Mz. Wecue.my (who was def at South- ampton by electors who showed their fitness for the franchise by pre- ferring that loud-mouthed patriot Diesy Seymovg) came in to-day for Wolverhampton—and is a gain to the House. Lorp Palmerston, who is famed for ican ignorance as to when he is beaten, did not look blue when the RION writ was asked, but was presently ¢ Vuscent Scunx, and amid roars, offering him, by implication, the situation of Lord of the Treasury, vacated by Sm Ragraaengtionl may ag : 4 proposal by fea Bases to com- pensate certain parsons for their losses in burial fees by the ing w abominable graveyards, was lost by 59 to 48. 7 the SARS WP " Fogg Gifinenen one capes gall wi he Ves, De i 3 *Twixt the Enfield that’ rifled to ki nd the Eufield who'd rile the dood.” What Mr. Porg Henyzssy’s special interest in Poland not clear. Perhaps he advocates her come to show that when is quite unattainable by a nation, Papists have no objection to on its A when there is a chanee of in Sicily, Tuscany, Naples, and elsewhere, the reprobaid.. Bet i tee ak Hecieel es oatae’ eprobate. But it does ae lade by the fen heen mad o-night, Po. having made a by Mr. Hen- NEssy, another Irish Ma. Scunty, t f Poland was not nearly sy = that of Tieland M Net Pe fie ot on 8 mensare fen ave a Bishop be uch the be is iberty oa we m for a as Cie ra ungra' of Poland that t of tyranny—it may be said to increase non for a s body | their votes, in writing, and thus be s by the Beene, Lomncy. He opposed a ws butler, | considerate, and That Scutty. Suppose we civilise Ireland by partition between Britannia, Caledonia, and Cambria. We have done it this week, and have sent the Duxz or Conwwats for the first, the Duxe or Rorusay for the | , and the ce or Wass for the third, to take possession, and receive homage, and the Irish have’ submitted Lg 4 graciously. Sold again, Scunty. Lorp Jony Russe. and Lorp PALMenston | both spoke, not so much m answer to an idle speech, as to express the | feeling of the nation on the Polish partition. The Anointed committed | a crime against which has ever protested, and though at | present there is no chance of wrenching away the plunder, we may ho that one day Poland will regam her rights, She erred much, chiefly | through the vices incarnate in her aristocracy and her priesthood, but | both will have been purified by the ordeal, and her punishment has . already exceeded her offence. Government decide that to interfere with the anchors and cables of merchant vessels is out of their line, and as these articles, on which the lives of thousands of brave fellows depend, are to a large extent made upon the true principles of Trade, namely, as badly as is compatible with obtaining payment from the purchaser, the QuEEn’s sailors may rejoice that if worse paid than the merchant-sailors they are better cared for, The Adai sagpulsions were brought up once more, but the House was disgusted with the iteration, and by 88 to 23 decided on hearing no more about it, Lonp Patmerston throwing in a hint, that hit, to the effect that people who, for mere cleared away their , were worse than a man who thought, however erroneously, that he was crushing crime. Wednesday. ange Committee went the Bill for enabling members of the Universities, when a Parliamentary election takes place, to send the trouble and expense of ajourney. The ry pid of University electors are non-resident, and this arrangement will be very convenient to them. Mr. Ayrton, how- ever, thonghe that divers clergymen, who are so busy in their country parishes that they seldom eome into the world that is illuminated by e nee of Metropolitan Members and the like, would be bene- filly” stirred up by songeuse to mix, occasionally, in society. But the Commons thought that, the proposed indulgence was just and i the principle of the Bill by rather large majo- i ist and agitator, Mr. WALPOLE, moved ing of a Bill intended to do away, to a certaim extent, Fities. the Second that | with the nuisance called a Grand Jury, a Bill that has passed the ess innovators and destructives in the House of Lords; but the obdurate Conservative, AyRTON, was again in the field with opposition, and was cruelly ridiculed for his loquacity by Sir G. Lewis. The debate was adjourned. Thursday. The Lords read the Harbours Bill a Second Time. It is, as Mr. Punch has before mentioned, a very good Bill, and enables Government to spend £360,000 a year on Bateon, also doing away | with some passing tolls. Lorn Normansy of course, “protested,” | was snubbed by Lorp DonovcHMoreE, and went away happy. Lorp CarTHNEss, who has taken a steam-carriage of his own, moved the | Second Reading of a Bill for permitting locomotives to be used on | coneum roads. It seemed rather to startle their Lordships, but they et it go on. Mr. Branyp moved a New Writ for Richmond, for Mr. Ricu (Hzexry Drummonn’s “pig that px opes because it could not get at | nourishment 2 has at last vacated his seat, in order, it is supposed, to | let m the new Solicitor-General. No act of Mr. Ricu’s parliamentary | life—and, mind, he has been a useful public servant—became him like the leaving it. Mr. DrttwyYn complained that the State was educating too much, | Mx. Osporne complained that the Volunteers fired too much, Mr. | ScuL.y complained that the reporters cut down his speeches too much, Mr. 8S. Firze¢zRaLp complained that Spain was encroaching on Morocco too much, and then the House went at the Civil Estimates, on which everybody complained that we spend too much. There were several rather good fights—the principal one being on those Dublin Gardens, | and in this case it was enticed that if the Gardens were not to be opened on the Sunday, the managers should not have the public money. | hat does Doctor WALDEGRAVE say to that? Still, the Sout showed | a due sense of religion, for it voted £800 for a stained window for Glas- gow Cathedral, an edifice which Mr. Punch states, ex cathedra, to be now bans in a way that does honour to the curators, and which shames those who have charge of divers similar places in this prelatieal country. Friday. Loxp Suartespury made an excellent speech in fayour— no, not of sending thirty or forty Bishops to India, but actually of improving that country by secular means, namely, by irrigation. Government said that they were doing all they could in the hydraulic line. The Commons were more miscellaneous than amusing. Another Trish evidence case was bronght on, but the House is growing savage at being made the tribunal for such squabbling; and im spite of the usual awful words which Irishism uses on all oceasions—“ mean impos- ture,” “ fiendish t .” and so on, kicked out the business by 60 to 15. Corrupt Wakefield wants to elect again, but Pzztmpes GiapstTonz, for Government, considered that the naughty borough ought still to be locked out, by way of lesson, and so thought the House, by 173 to 123.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juty 13, 1861. M ly 0 .. TH WW “~\ we Eo ¢ an SIGN FORA COTTACE

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yy Np Hn me Yu Ti U); Y, i // PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juty 18, 1861.

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—- . kT ee eee

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Jury 13, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

LATEST FROM AFRICA.’ HERE was a Scientific Meeting held ~ one evening in last week, at which . Du Cuariiv thought fit to put an end to a discussion on the merits of his book by spitting in the face of a gentleman who questioned them. Such a way ar- = be % fated possibly af a meeting of but, happily, among ile it has = not yet been ae tioned. If M. Do = OHAILLU, or any - other traveller, wishes to ind in F it, we should advise him, as a place which is nominally co ial, to take up hi residence somewhere in Spitz-bergen. => l¢== L—ak 4 I! fw ot neh fy a! _ Mr. Punch may likewise state that being honoured with a special inyitation so to do, he hi ** attended hi » of the pieces which were played ; and he begs leave to congratulate the amateur performers on the attention which they paid to } tor—he means to say, Conductor—and the skill they showed in following the hich he waved, Mr, Punch wo add 2} pee in all their movements harmony pre may always be found to act Ae, whether in taking up a chord or in up a thief.

Answer Given to any Question at the Shortest Notice. Ma. Bernat Osporne was anxious to know what the duties were under the office recently appointed of “ of Mili 7 Tt must be, we should say, for the or, it may he, to th make a mess of it; or, very raw recruits a little dear, you pay your money (that number), and so you are at perfect liberty to ” . phe: very time they deserveit, OsBoRNE, 0 is, your usual 34. for this take your choice,

A HINT TO DR, GRAY, Wuen ’gainst the traveller you halloo, And his apes, black and brown, You're only raising a shalloo, Not putting Cuamiv down,

Gattant Criticism on Miss Arase.la Gopparp’s P1_yiNG.—

Practice made Perfect.

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[Juny 13, 1861.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

é - —_—_ cD ae ee & ae ‘ eS vila ”< 2 _ a — _ a - as Swell (who has received Four Penn'orth of Coppers in Change). “HERE! YOU KNOW, LOOK HERE! Hr! THESE Ha’PENCE, YOU KNOW?” EXTRAVAGANCE IN CUPID’S GARDEN. As down in Cupid’s Garden For pastime I did go, Considering Fashion’s flowers Which in that garden grow; Which in that garden grow. I see a fine young lady, And unto her did say, “ Beest thee engaged to e’er a young Swell ? Come tell me now, I pray ; Come tell me now, I pray?” *T ben’t engaged to ne’er a young Swell, I’m sorry to declare ; For I cost so much in Crinoline, And the other things I wear ; And the other things I wear.”

TREMENDOUS CREATION OF PEERS. Our friend, the Morning Star, havig abandoned its scrap of daily untruth about the Lords and the Papér Duty, now worries the Upper House in a way which Mr, Punch un- | hesitatingly pronounces to be serviceable to himself and the country. It gives the highest and lowest number of | Lords present on each evening of debate. But such statis- ties should be reliable. ither the hot weather and its necessary correctives must have acted upon the visual | organs of the Star’s Tellers, or the Queen has been amusing her leisure by an enormous creation of Peers. For on Thursday, the 4th, according to.the Sta, the lowest num- | ber of Peers present was 12; and the highest-Srx HunpREep nD Ereuty-Ong.. .Captatn Dop made up the. Roll of the Lords in February last; and counted only 457 in all. Will the Star give us the list of new ones—the odd 224? or must Punch prepare it?. Has. Our Wiscount “gone up” among the lot ?

A Curious Riding Habit. THE REVEREND Dr. Tyne, of New York, informs us By Jove, | that Dr. Cuzzver has “his neck clothed with thunder.”

Wuat THE Deuce !—I say—Wuat am I ro po wit | We are afraid that the Doctor, for a Minister, dresses a | little too “Youd.”

| THE BOURBON MEMORY. | AccorpIné to a popular proverb, experience confers wisdom on a| kind of persons who were naturally born without any. _ Such a person oom | is the one who penned the following conclusion of a letter - ressed to the editor of the Union, Parisian journal, and dated from ome :— “ A legitimate and strong Government supporting itself on representative insti- | tutions is the only one which can render liberty compatible with order, and put an | end to the profound anarchy, and to the excesses of kinds, which foreign domination causes to weigh on my country.—Accept, &c., ‘*Francots DE Bourson, Count de Trapani.” When a Bourson regains the crown which he had lost, he is, it is said, found to have learned nothing and forgotten nothing. This, perhaps, is a mistake. ‘The Boursons do learn. The Count DE ‘TRaPANI is a BourBoN who has learned something. He has learned that the best of all political systems, age | for Naples, is “‘a legiti- mate and strong poy acu supporting itself on representative insti- tutions.” Should his family ever, unhappily, be restored to the throne from which the son of Bompa was obliged to bolt, will they preserve | those ideas concerning constitutional government which, if he correctly expresses their opinions, they entertain at present? Will they re- member, in prosperity, the convictions on the subject of representative institutions which they have imbibed in adversity? May their memory never be put to the test; but if it ever is, their unlucky subjects will poy find, not that they have learned nothing and forgotten nothing, ut that they have learned something and forgotten something : namely, the Lape: ser which has been acquired by the Count DE TRAPANI of the preferableness of government founded on a representative basis to tyranny.

A Secret out of the Prison-House. Women, when they get together, talk about themselves, or their children, their servants, their dresses, their rivals, their conquests, | Cookery Book. | station.

their pleasures; men, when they get together. talk of nothing but their dear wives! ni ome eae ECONOMY IN DRESSING. Presipine, the other day, over a Meeting in connection with the British and Foreign School Society, Lonp Joun Russex1, in the course of a Speech from the Chair, mentioned that, on a certain occasion, he went with the igus to inspect a School maintained by Her Maszsty in Windsor Park,when— ‘In the girls’ school there was an examination with respect to the mode of pre- paring rice-pudding for dinner. The girls were examined as to the component parts of a rice-pudding, and how they were put togetber. He owned that the subject was quite new to him. (4 laugh.) He had no notion that it was so complete an affair as it seemed to be. (Laughter.) But he could well understand that to have a good rice-pudding instead of a bad one would be a great comfort to the husband and father as well as to the wife and children.” It is to be wished that every Establishment for Young Ladies would take a leaf out of the book which, by the above showing, is especially studied at Her Masesty’s School in Windsor Park—namely, the If, instead of thinking only how to dress themselves to the best advantage, girls of the middle and upper classes would turn their attention to dressing food in the nicest possible manner ; if they were less studious of dressing for dinner, and would rather devote | themselves to dressing the dinner itself, they would afford much more | satisfaction than they do to their parents and friends, and would find 'much less difficulty than what they now experience in getting husbands, who would gladly encourage them in dressing according to their

The Road to Ruin! May it please your Holiness, A telegram of Mr. Revuter’s, dated from Naples, informs me that : “ Six hundred brigands have left Rome for the Neapolitan frontier.” Go it! I have the honour to be, : Your Holiness’s most friendly and faithful Adviser, Exeter Hall, July, 1861. Puncu.

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yurse n, he ESTY f pre- parts ibject te an ave a d and ‘ould vially , the elves turn they vote more find ands, their lated VV ZY IVKEY OU 1 3 > bee _— = CaBBY, od Enga ed. Mum ? I am 80 Mun. 2 ? you won t lose no time—get JM But if you'll go over to the Spread Heagle, they’R Book you on by one o’ Pickford’s Fast Wans, and NI SoMELE COOk NO = \ | there quicke 7 than I could”? A HINT TO THE CLERGY. Certain Parsons have been making a complaint that they lose Burial Fees by reason of the closing old churchyards and the openin new cemeteries. Here is a hardship, no doubt, but we have not much sympathy with those who are sending round the coffin-plate for a col- lection. But, ever humane, Mr. Punch makes a suggestion to the un- fortunate priests. Surely Marriage Fees are not only better things, but pleasanter things to take. Why do not the clergy try to extend this source of income? Young men hesitate to marry because young ladies—or, rather, young ladies’ friends—have extravagant notions. Now the influence of the Parsons with the—pooh—with the Crinolines, is proverbial. Young and old women listen to the spiritual director. Wh do not the clergy nrake a grand push in favour of themselves and of Matrimony? Let them go to work in earnest, seconded as they will be by all the male laity, man milliners excepted. Let them publicly and privately preach to the girls and their mothers that we want Wives, and not machines for making the fortunes of tradesmen. Let us hear of courses of Sermons to the Nubile. Woulda brave priest refuse to church christenmg pew. If the pet and other Parsons will only work out this idea, Marriages will be multiplied, and they need sigh no longer for a share of the spoil of the Ghoul, the greedy undertaker. Go in, not for the Knell, beloved pastors, but for the Wedding Bells. The Dear Creatures: Whey a certain Oriental potentate wants to ruin one of his principal subjects, he makes him a present of a White Elephant, which the poor man is obliged to keep, and by which, therefore, he is soon financially eaten up. Jn this country, the fashionable Mamma, who contrives to aaa a soft, young man into marriage with her expensive daughter, sa Elephant, in very speedily reducing him to ruin, and, as it were, eating him out of house and home. a huge Crinoline, a tremendous blow would be struck at extravagance | in dress—or suppose he sent away a couple of lavishly adorned God- | mothers, on the obvious ground that no two could be got into the same | es him with an incumbrance corresponding exactly to the White | PUNY WHIPSTERS THAT ARE AFRAID OF WOMEN! _ WE would rather not be at Birmingham at the present moment, for it seems that the whip-makers are all busy striking there. The trade is Im arms against the introduction of women into it. We cannot approve of this want of gallantry, which is decidedly opposed to the manly sentiment (always good for three rounds of applause at the Old Coburg) about “Strikmg a lovely woman in distress.” Perhaps the cowards are afraid that the first use the women might turn their whips to would be to lay them right well across their selfish backs ; and the cowards would deserve it, too, for thus meanly trying to get the whip- hand of the weaker sex. The extreme sensibility of the fair partners | of our pains and puddings might probably revolt against lending them- selves as willing mstruments to the possible propagation of anything like suffering on a single living creature; otherwise, we do not see why women should not become as expert in the whip-making business as men ; and we all of us can bear witness to the success that generally attends their winning efforts, when the funds of an institution are getting low, or a charity is inoperative for the want of larger means, or any good cause, or suffering creature, needs sustenance with a little | money; for who let us ask, on such benevolent occasions, is so clever, so happy, and so successful, as a woman in “ making a whip ? ” Punning at Paris.—From our Insane Correspondent. ** Tue Yankee Cray who has been lately fuming against England clearly cannot be regarded as a pipe of peace; but we as clearly may consider that his words are all smoke, although it is quite certain that he has no backer.” THE DOGBERRY OF DEBATE. Quorn Scunty, “ I’ve been written down an ass.” “Well, so you are, in point of fact,” said Bass. |_ PLAYFULNESS AGAINST Persteny.—The prosecution of the Duc pz | Broeuie, and its consequent withdrawal, is familiarly alluded to by | the Minister’s intimate friends as Persieny’s Im-Broglio.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Juny 13, 1861. THE GOOD SHIP EUROPE’S ROTTEN CABLE. Tux good ship Hurope rides at anchor, Mainoail, topsile jit, and spank , jib, and spanker, Close-reefed, as may be. . Heav’n knows, ’tis no time for running Free before the wind, ; Needs both crew’s and pilot’s cunning Holding-ground to find; While the surf the ear is stunning, Cable And the shingles grind. Closer still the shoals environ,— Watch on deck take heed ! Pay out cable, hemp iron— Ne’er was Revolution’s rock to Blood-red, waits its : eee iffs, to ackcard, ron W Rides the Britata, good ship, harboured, Safe in Freedom’s Bay ! Us from evil end. Than out By the “Tell us, Pilot, what’s the cabl¢é Doth the ship retain ? Stout the stuff must be that’s able 4 priestly Now we cancel each While the breakers’ roar falls gruffly and shoal among?” Quoth the Pilot, with a shiver, “Cables! Heaven forfend. We should trust them, to deliver On the best-bower, see the rotten e and fray, From Saint Peter’s bark, when gotten, *Twas good stuff, they say— As well trust a thittad As that rope to-day ! "Then Sait Peter’s bark was tighter ip, I trow; e floated lighter, ie Bow. The hé might rig her hy oy or ; But ip Furope’s bigger, Geib snathes | pda * the Saint to sea Gould venture crew, | No more thé cross-keys bedizen, As of old, our flag ; : At the fore, and main, and mizen, Blows another rag, While Blue Peter we imprison In the foul-clothes bag ! “ Yet they call Saint Peter’s rope here Europe's stoutest stay ! If it be, Heaven help our hope here In this rock-girt bay ! ’ For I see its strands a-parting Slowly one by one ; Everywhere its hemp is starting, Rotted, rent, undone— : For our trust in’t we are smarting, As ashore we run! of cotton “So much for the best bower tackle, Truth is good to know, But let idlers skulk and cackle In the hold below. Gallant lads new tackle veer up From the i a priest’s to do, A CLUB-MAN’S GRIEVANCE. We are requested to publish the following has passed betwee a rentleman about town CHEQ CHANCELLOR OF THE ;UER :— which the tt Hon. the I. “ Sir, “A Club, July 6th, 1861. “*T am not a ‘determined antagonist’ of the Income-Tax, on the contrary, I make it a business and a om to get out of the way of that imposition as much as I can. e only trouble I give the officials charged with its collection is the putting their ridiculous = protect you from again finding yourself in so undesirable a condition. “T should not be justified in entering upon, a discussion of a hypo- an pe character, ey as the Tpeome- oe eS | lively and personal interest for yourself to you your Five of Clubs wuneee by the Queen, and that the s necessity of drawing a horse for the Derby must not be taken into consideration in presence of the real necessity of drawing a cheque for Mr. Trwmms. “That no appreciable ae is inflicted upon you is more evident to me than it may be to yourself, but I must leave you to discuss that point with Somerset House. I would only suggest that the withdrawal of your name from one of the clubs you mention would not only enable documents through the:slit in the door of my chambers in the Temple. | you to meet the demands of the State, but would leave you a surplus My respectable laundress is charged with the duty of taking care that | for the purposes of charity. But I am not to be understood as recom- my mind is not diverted from my legal and other studies by any irri-| mending your delaying arrangement with Mr. Trams until you shall tation that might be caused by the perusal of those objectionable rescripts. ns But it has occurred to me, and as I regard the subject from a position of eet my s stion may have a value which the reclamations of partisans may lack, that to those who can make up their minds to pay a tax of questionable morality, a certain amount of relief may properly be extended, and I beg to call your attention to RN belong to Five Cl the Areo fi hich I have tl . ong to Five Clu e pagus (from whic ave the honour of writing), the Wanbat the Ash Swells’, the Junior United Poker, and the Pachydermatous. The subscription to these Clubs, which I need are Necessaries of Life, amounts to about £50 per annum. And at each Club, during the Racing Season, there is a series of Senet, to which it is not imperative, but highly clubbable to subscribe. Placing this outlay at the most mode- rate figure, I reckon it at £25, for I do not think a club-man justified in taking more than one chance in each sweepstake. -“ You permit the deduction of Life Assurance Premiums, whatever they may be, and of sundry other payments, from the amount of Income to be returned to your Commissioners. I submit that a Member of London Clubs should, in fairness, be allowed to deduct his Club-Subscription and his Sweepstakes, which are, as you will admit, necessary to his London existence. “For the reasons which I stated at the outset, the question is divested, for myself, of all but public interest, and I write in the purest spirit of patriotism. “T have the honour to be, Sir, “Your very obedient Servant, “ The Right Hon. W. B. Gladstone.” “Oake SportER.”’ “ Srp, “‘ The Exchequer, July 6th. “I am favoured with your letter of to-day. . “The Collector for your districthas by this time received explicit instructions to take steps calculated to relieve you from the unenviable position of @ defaulting debtor to the Crown of these kingd oms, have convinced yourself of the soundness of my views, as I have reason to think that an official document which will laced in your hands within a few hours will intimate to you, on Her Srasuete’s part, that the exigencies of administration will not permit any protracted interval for your examination of the question. “T have the honour to be, Sir, * Your faithful Servant, “* Oake Sporter, Esq.” “ W. E. Guapstong,”’ Advice to Opera-Goers. NeveER volunteer to take any lady to a performance which you are particularly desirous of hearing, for fear she should be taken ill soon after it has begu will by no means be necessarily mere selfishness. If you wish to be kind. to her, and treat her to an pers, do fp cay im b. a ” no at the theatre, or if | asked. Then you will find that she she does, so much the better, as far as your entertainment is concerned ; for you will have taken her to hear music which you don’t care about, and from which you will be glad to get away. A LITERARY ANECDOTE, Tue first translation of Corinne didn’t pay. The disappointed pub. | lisher, when asked his opinion of the work, not caring to conceal his disgust, exclaimed, with the most contemptuous psha! “Sas, flat, | and unprofitable !”—Nice Young Man’s Companion for Small Tea Parties. An Obvious Observation. Ir cannot be denied that, the exhibition which Mr. Scuuty is | alleged to have lately made of himself in the House of Commons in | complaining of the way in which his tiresome speeches have been | reported, and improved, was very numscully. | and want to go home. The observance of this rule | Qo reemaa

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Jury 20, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

ed hh ld TA . _« «thts lle hy x ) y mn ma IAP A bd (On the Last Nights of “ Colleen Bawn,’’) Ox! Colleen Bawn, why leave me frowning Alone in London without you ? Just thirteen times I’ve seen you drowning— Because—I nothing else could do. The theatres late are open keeping, To try and bring out something new ; But my mother never sets to weeping, As she does, sweet eee belle, with you. h! Colleen Bawn, &c. | THE BELGRAVIAN LAMENT! | THE STRAND LAMENT! (On the same Occasion.) How that pretty piece was made to draw, dear, And that pretty star was made to shine— And a pretty lot of times you’re drown’d, dear— Last night it made two-twenty-nine ! That wicked WesstTeEr here is snarling— He takes your loss to heart, d’ye see ; Could he drown you oftener, Colleen darling, Why then transported he would be ! Oh! Colleen Bawn! &c.

Policemen Should Mind their Letters. | presents his compliments to Mr. Punch, and begs to comin that some of the newspapers |have been writing about ‘ Pantry Evictions.’ urely, | Sir, it would seem to me that this must be a mistake of the printers, for I hope and trust it will be a long time ere | ! “Mr. Poriceman Z. | | | the force, to which 1 have the honour of belonging, hear ; anything about evictions from the Pantry!” {It is Mr. Punch’s belief that the above mistake cannot be ac- | counted for otherwise than by charitably supposing that Policeman Z. | was labouring at the time under some strange erratic, or area-tic, Fair Equestrian. “ Now, Don’t BE A CROSS OLD PUNCH; WE REALLY WON'T | seein Purposely, for a small joke, to confound Partry with SPOIL THE BEAUTY OF THE GARDENS.” | Pantry, Mr. Punch calls Paltry.]

PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Juxy 8, Monday. We must indeed be near the end of the Session, | for the Lords had so little to occu y them that they endured a dis- | | cussion on the Education of the People, and a very good debate it was, “Inaugurated” (as the penny-a-liners say of the opening of a new | public-house) by a well-prepared speech from Lorp Lyrrexroy. Lorps GRANVILLE and BroveHam also spoke, and the DuKE oF NeEwcastTLE made a spirited defence of the excellent and elaborate | report of the Education” Commissioners, and observed, for the benefit | of the Bishop-Maker, that although the Commissioners had not | indulged in glowing phrases about religion, they had fully recognised the fact that the nation appreciates the value of other teaching besides that which is merely secular. The Bishop-Maker made no reply, but doubtless “ thought the more.” Downstairs, Lorp Excuo showed that he was not so much occupied with the Wimbledon Rifle Meeting, at which Mr. Punch saw him in | the excess of glory (and by the way, hurra, Joptixe! hurra, Champion | Shot of England !—your health, our son !), as to be unmindful of other | elevations than those of Rifles. He assailed the designs for the | new Foreign Office, and contended that what is calle use, | of Jupiter-Pam—is not so much to be admired as Gothic. | Cowrer—his Winter Walk at Noon is an excellent thing, not so his Summer Ride in Kensington Gardens—took the other side, of course, as might be expected from Jupiicr’s step-son, and declared that the | style which, under Jupiter’s decree, Mr. Gripert Scorr had been obliged to adopt, was truly National. Perhaps he meant that it was like that of the National Gallery, which was not the very highest praise that could have been awarded. Mr. Layarp, by way of show- ing that-his friends the “‘ advanced intellects” of Southwark have not destroyed his admiration for antiquity, made a fight for Gothic, and asserted that of all styles it was the be of light. One Miron has described it somewhat differently, but it is perfectly true that domestic and ecclesiastical Gothic are as different — as claret and port, Mr. Tire, as one whose fame chiefly rests on Italian architecture, spoke up for that style J defended the late Sm Cxartxs Barry, in regard to the Parliament ouses'; and it was pleasant to hear one veteran architect championing the fame. of another. Lorp Jon Manners described Mr. Scort as the First of the Goths, and complained that he should have been driven L c I Palladian | like Pallas, it has, in this case, sprung from the brain | st calculated for the admission | but he gracefully | into a style not his own, and Mr. Oszorne civilly intimated to the | House that it would do well to distrust itself, for that it had shown its reat capabilities of blundering over architectural matters ; and then upiter-Pam made a very long speech, much longer than he usually | bestows on a foreign nation, or any such trifle. He declared his undy- ing and unalterable attachment for Italian architecture, and patted | himself on the head for having sent away Mr. Scorr’s Gothic designs | twice, desiring him to do something Italian, which indeed Jupiter was good enough to consider had been capitally done. The House is sore on the Gothic question, for the expense of the New Palace has been monstratious, and the old gentlemen are always tumbling over one | another and the palace-maids’ dust-pans in the “dem’d religious light’ of Sm CHARLEs’s passages. These considerations, and Jupiter- Paw’s nod, floored Lorp Excno and his Goths by 188 to 98; and our | Foreign Affairs will be transacted under an Italian roof, which the | ne = Iraty may, if he likes, accept as a delicate compliment from , ngland. : After Estimates there was another little battle on the Seats Bill, and | . aig ae ee the <7 of Pontefract ed a polling-place, the House followed up its icy of opposing everything the Government do on this question, ion te 107 to 94 ieeisend that Pontefract should not be the place, but that Wakefield should— a curious coincidence being that Wakefield is just now hung up é | | terrorem, for the most owdacious corruption. | Twesday. The Lords discussed the East India Council Bill. Lorp ELLENBOROUGH thought that it was far too large a measure, and Lorp | LyvEDEN (VERNON SmIDJTH) wished that Sir C. Woop had drawn it | |a little milder. On the other hand, Lory Dersy thought that a little | | Parliament was not the thing to govern a vast empire like India. But | the question is virtually left to the Westminster Hotel Company | | (limited), or at least to the great guest who has mopped up so many of ' the best rooms in this metropolitan improvement. Downstairs, Mr. Bartire CocoraneE had a grievance on behalf of some Reserved Captains, but it did not interest the House enough to induce a vote that should transfer their reserve into joviality, and by | 60 to 33 Cocky was sat upon. Then more Civil Estimates. Wednesday. “Tf it were not Sunday,” said Str Francis Barine, | “what should we do with people who get up fictitious Savings’ Banks ? I want to put down all hee not regularly certified.” “If it were not | Sunday,” replied Mr. Hentey, “I should object to further inter- ference, and should say that many small unpretending banks do a great

VOL. XLI. D

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Jury 20, 1861. deal of good.” “If it were not Sunday,” said the Home Secretary, “T should oppose new moet legislation on sucha matter.” After some more anti-Sabbatarian debat House then proceeded to the regular religious duties of the day. Mr. Huxparp urged the necessity of a rational settlement of the Church Rate question, and withdrew bis own Bill as one means to that desirable end. Sir Jonn TRe.awwey was a little high, but civil, and called on the Conservatives to make up their minds on the subject against next Session. That eminent Nonconformist, Mr. Tom DuncomsBe, was warm in his protests against a rate that troubled his conscience, and Stmr Joun Pakryeron’s trumpet sounded answer to Sir Joun Tre- LAWNEY, and the former Baronet informed the latter that the anti- church rate folks had been smashed ever since they had declared that they desired to bring down not only rate but church, and that this would continue to be their fate, unless they respected the love of the ople for the church of their fathers. Later in the week, Mr. Cross’s ill was also withdrawn, and now the Churchmen and Dissenters had better take off their coats, and think as hard as they can how to settle a question which involves very little money and very much irritation. Thursday. NoRMaNBY duly saubbed, as usual—something about Whitby, which place it seems the inhabitants wish to convert into a fashionable watering-place. Mr. Punch has lately had the privilege of reading a good deal of the written minstrelsy of that nei hbourhood and of the nautical interest of the coast, and as it nearly all consists of desperate abuse, in patois, he suggests that the Whitby Warbler will require re-editing before civilisation can make much progress. The collier-bards are very outspoken, but “there is a form m these things, Madam, there is a form.” As for that old fribble, Normansy, he would faint into the nearest coal-skuttle before the first verse of one of these ditties had been fimished in his hearing. Lorp ReEprspALz expressed his wish to have Leicester Square cleared of the Great Globe the dead cats, and also that the foreigners should be told to behave themselves more seemingly, and Lonp GRANVILLE promised that the demand should be attended to. | claims, arising out of a | sation for a serious | time of the passing the He the subject at great length, voted £643,794 for schools, and did some- | thing for salmon. e, Siz Francis ina huff, and with a good | scold at Ministers for alleged inconsistency, withdrew his Bill. The | Friday. Lory StRatForD is very anxious that we should begin to advise the new Sutran ; but the Government think that, like the man in Measure for Measure, he should be permitted to continue in his evil courses until we know what they are. A Bill for enabling landlords to borrow money to improve labourers’ cottages did not please their Lord- ships, and it was rejected by 16 to 13. A similar fate attended the Book Unions Bill, which proposed to permit the lottery principle recognised in Art Unions ‘ate acted upon by book associations. But Lorp Grey was so dreadfully afraid that this permission would encou- rage gambling, that he opposed the measure, as did Lory GRANVILLE. We cannot understand why people should be allowed to subscribe to a lottery that cam give them a a high-class picture or beautiful statuette, and yet not be permitted to indulge the nobler ambition of obtainmg a volume of Puxeh. But the Lords know best, of course. Mr. Sianzy wishes that the ic should be allowed to walk on the terrace in the river front of + House ; but Mr. Cowrer, though very anxious te make walks (and rides), is afraid that the young ladies will disturh the elerks, amd make them put up ha’porths of audits and other sweetmeats instead of peumorths. Lomp Joun RussZux said ~— we _ agp b complam of the carrymg out the new Treaty, an oes i } difficulty we with wk im 1807, were brought up by Mz. MacavuLay, whose name excuses his plunging imto history for a grievance ; but really the line must bedrawnsomewhere, or Mr. Punch will be justified in brmging forward a claim for compen- that was done te one of ogg oe at the ptarchy-Amalgamation . ATHERTON, the new A.-G., had the opportunity of making his first speech in that capacity, and of overthrowmg Macaunay. Them eame the Third Readi sent, whem the Universities 4 ¢ came opposition te it. Now, it would be unkind to say that is about te leave Oxford for a northerm i with strong of the Bill for enabling votes to be eelides, who | is angry with the | “ RounpexL Patmer took his seat, So his triumph is complete, For he told each Zetland thrall He was not a Whig at all constituency, eta os not painting the Radeliffe amd the steeple of St. Mary’s | black, im honour of his departure; but it would have been prettier in | | him to say something elegant and touching in favour of constituencies | : | like his own. However, he did no harm, for the House had intended But, on Pam’s express petition, | to pass the Bill, and this intention was confirmed by Lorp Patmer- He had joined the Coalition.” |sToN also speaking against it. ‘The Government opposed the mea- ‘ , | sure, and the House of course carried the Third Reading by 165 to 80— | Emulous of the Lords, the Commons got upon Education, discussed | majority against Ministers, 85: a pleasant finish-up of the week’s work. | | | THE RIGHT TAP AND THE WRONG. Rom a Foreign Corre-| spondent we Jearn that, in the environs of Bingen on the Rhine, the wine of 1860, which is of very | quality, is retailed under the name of Dat- wick, the unpopular mi- nister of Hesse, whilst that of the previous | year’s vintage, which is | excellent, is sold bearing | the denomination of Ga- RIBALDI. This might give our brewers a hint ; those | of them who still continue to brew good beer. Fine . sound old Ale (not bitter) might find popular favour under the name of Pat- MERSTON, whilst that of {’ Dersy might be applied }, to Swipes, although the noble leader of Her Ma- ‘ yesty’s Opposition in the Lords does not perhaps think small beer of him- self. Swipes, however, is not the smallest beer. There is a sort of some- thing like beer inferior to Swipes. i This, the COWPER’S CANON OF TASTE. _ Wao could not guess what member of the House of Commons it was that made, in the discussion on the plan of the Foreign Office, the speech wherefrom the following assertion is extracted ?— “He undertook to say that for one person who took delight in a Gothic building, there were twenty who derived greater pleasure from an Italian building ; and he referred to the example of Paris to show the estimation in which the Italian style was held in the present day.” Of course everybody, if asked which of our legislators it was who exposed his ideas of architectural taste in the above declaration, would name Mr. Cowrrer. In a matter of Art, according to our Chief Commissioner of Works and Public Buildings, the criterion of excellenee is the opinion of the multitude. An Italian building is finer than a Gothic, because, for one who takes delight in the latter, there are twenty who derive greater pleasure from the former. By parity of reasoning, the minstrelsy of Curisty’s minstrels might be preferred to TeNwyson’s poems, married to the music of BeetnHoves. Mr. Cowrszr’s argument is that of a man naturally devoid of any sense of beauty, and who is therefore capable of spoiling that of Kensington Gardens by defacing them with a hippodrome. For one person who delights in a landseape, there are very likely | twenty who had rather look at.a horse, particularly with a | pretty horsebreaker on the back of it. The same majority of twenty to one would, no doubt, | like to see a gratuitous circus established m Kensing- | ton Gardens, or the Garden of Eden itself. That would be what M. WatzwskI calls a “miracle of edileship” worthy of our British Aidile; who is hereby requested to lowest degree of malt li is to say, in unmodifie | m1 Recen” the fluid so than the semblance of beer. isti vote. title of Dexpy, we may perhaps venture, in a political sense only, of course, to | accepted as law, is a majority supposed to be qualified to apply the commoner a of Dizzy to Sims. , is, in some parts of Hampshire termed “Sims ;* that | note for his future guidance, that in architecture and all | ied being scareely more other matters of taste, as in other matters more m 2 | we agree to distinguish Swipes with the lordly | Minister’s way, the majority whose decision is to be

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ee eel allel oe We OO ote eevee OF "OT tf. usm 20, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 25 REPRESENTATIVE RASCALS. ASUALLY, on Thursday, last week, in the Laboratory of the Court of Probate, in the crucible of the witness-box, under exposure to the fire of cross-examination, some particles of new and important truth were elicited, by that expert chemist the QueEn’s yocate, from a body deno- mimating itself Dr. Davip Gawrith Joxnxs—a vile body, thus a proper one for the subject of experiment, which, ywowever, has yielded instruc- tive results s. From Dr. Davin Grirrira Somes, who claimed to: be ged wnder a will which a aprcatly out of her | ama made in his favour, were extracted the following ions :—He had prac- tised peeaccopathy and Hy- y for about nime years. He however, commenced the — profession as o Allopathist, or practitioner of the ald system of medical treatment, inclusive of “bleca- fae ts ve See er he ever w system. a aeetier af 2 welicins att named in the Phermacopenn, ' a2 Dutchman from had purchased #, Axtramankaz. What was the this word he could not say: may we be excused for suggesting that it is evidently | Double Dutch? He had obtained his diploma at the Marischal College, Aberdeen. Thus far Dz. Davin Grurrira Joxes had merely confessed himself to be a quack doctor. The admissions, however, subsequently obtained from him showed that he was something even below that. Dr. Davin Grirrita Jonzs proceeded to depose that, to obtain his Aberdeen | diploma, he had travelled all night from London, and reached Aberdeen in the morning. He | would swear that, but could not state the distance. It is, of course, obvious that if he had | known the space intervening between London and Aberdeen, he would have taken no such | injudicious oath. He arrived at Aberdeen at break of day, and stopped at the Railway Hotel. Here Dr. Davin Grirritx Jones “became exceedingly pale and confused’”—the suspicion | dawning on his mind that he had been gently trotted into deposing to a tissue of impossibilities. In short, after asserting that he was examined at Aberdeen vivd voce and by paper, and swearing to a few more lies, which it is needless to detail, he was obliged to acknowledge that he had | never been to Aberdeen at all; that at the time when he swore he was there he was really at pe | 1s Chipping-Norton; and that the signature, D. G. Jones, appended to his Marischal College medical papers, relating to the examination which he pretended to have passed there, was not his own, but “might be” im the handwriting of a certain Dr. Reeves; that he and this REEvEs were in the habit of passing at various colleges for other persons, and that they occasionally represented each other. Of course, this last statement was partly false, inasmuch as it is obviously impossible that Dr. Davin Grirrira Jones could have personated anybody capable of sustaining a medical examination; but there can be no doubt that he himself was personated at Aberdeen by tlie other fellow, and that this cleverer rogue of the two is accus- tomed to personate and procure diplomas for other scoundrels, who, beg quacks, intend to pass themselves off for medical men. Dr. Davin Grirritu Jones, as he calls himself, of course lost his cause, and was condemned in the costs of the suit, but, unaccountably, was not ordered into custody, to be indicted for rjury. His accomplice, styled Dr. Reeves, whatever may be the real name of that knave, also still at large 5 there no law under which he is punishable for the mischievous | frauds which he appears to subsist by practising ? Be it observed, that the possession of a doctor’s diploma by an obscene advertising quack is no proof that he has acquired it otherwise than by an arrangement made with a greater. ut less ignorant, rascal than himself. The lying puffer of a a specific, though holding | the credentials of a physician, has very likely obtained them by fraudulent proxy, and is simply just such another impostor as the perjured proprietor of Axtramankaz. A SAD WORLD, MY MASTERS! Waar anguish the Mawworms must have felt the other day on reading this among the other news from Paris :— ‘‘The total receipts at all places of public amusement were, during the last month, 1,635,459 francs,or £65,416, being nearly a franc a month per head for the whole population of Paris, men, women, and children.” A franc a month per head is no great sum to think of, individually apportioned; but in the ageregato it reaches a pretty stiff amount, although of course not half so large as that: which . Punch is able weekly to expend at the “ places of amusement” where he recreates his young men. Still, sixty thousand pounds or so appears a tidy sum per month to spend in mere amusement; yet men who work have vital need at times of play, and without it health would suffer, and brain and body be diseased. But, say the Mawworms, public | pleasures are a wicked waste of time: although | their absence can but lead, among the poorer class at least, to private drunkenness at home. ZONG ON ST. SWITHUN’S DAY. Hearkex to St. Swithun’s story, This be his appinted veast, Now he’I] rain m all his glory Tf to-day ’a rains the least, By our fathers we was told it, They from theirn resaved i true, Whozoever doth not hold it, He’s a unbelievun Jew. Swithun ’mongst the Zaints did vlourish _ When sitch parsons did abound ; Now this earth no Zaimts don’t nourish— Allthat’s left be underground. Bishop, too, ’a was 0’ Winton ; Zaints was mostly Bishops then, Long avore the days 0’ printun, When afl books was wrote wi’ pen. Nare a @me wet pattern brighter, Then, when Bishops to look Zumt im robes aud mitre, Clawun. © Shepherd’s Crook. Beck’nun wi’ the two fust fingers, T’other hand, along o’ thumb : By their tombstones Vaney lingers imidges zo rum. Swithun, when ’a lay a dyun, Says unto the Menks and Friars, Who was then a standum by un, “Now you hear my last desires. In Cathaydral, if you’d plaze me, Tomb not me when I be dead, In the churchyard, mind, you lays me.” “Hes we ’ool,” the clargy said. They, hows’ever, when his sperrit Left his body in the lurch, Swithun’s corpse did take and bury’t, ’Gin his orders, in the Church, Honour thinkun for to do un, When their prommus zo they broke, That they counted reverence to un Moor nor mindun what ’a spoke. But the grave as did contain un Scarce had hid un vrom their zight, When, behold, it come on rainun, Never a day or night ! Six good weeks of wet unbroken, Pourun hard for all that time, Plainly was a sign and token They had done some grievious crime. Zo a fastun and a prayun They set to, their fault to find, Which they larnt was disobeyun What St. Swithun had enjined. Then they took and disinterréd un, And his body did convey To the churchyard, where they buried un, And ’a bides to this here day. From thenceforth for ever arter On that day if rain alights, More or less the skies do water Varty days and varty nights. Wherefore now you knows the rason. Zingun meaks a f Moderate liquor grant im sason ! “Here, St. Swithun’s health!” says I. A Perpetual Motion (Until one of the Parties dies.) To Move :—for the Returns of all the Birth- days of a Lady, who positively declares she is not a day older than thirty-two.

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ONE NIGHT FROM HOME. [Jury 20, 1861. == 71 wht, LOT sm a py pe _ Saw nw Gg f/f WY, 7 >» LIL Ap hal FM ams Wife (to Unreasonable Monster). “ Ir’s OF NO USE, GEORGE, YouR sayYINnG, ‘ Hano rr, Maria;’ I musT HAVE SOME PLACE TO PUT MY THINGS!” BLACK AND WHITE. [“* The Emperor puts down the Slave-Trade, carried on on the Coast of Africa by French agents under the pretext of hiring and service.”—Times, July 10.] Twat “ one man’s meat ’s another’s poison,” The proverb doth declare : The lean Jack Sprat set longing eyes on, His wife could not abear. And thus it is in Justitutions, And Constitutions too ; What suits the Turks, or French, or Rooshians, For Britons would not do. So, if the Emperor have sawed The Gallic rooster’s comb— Tis Liberty begins abroad, As Charity at home. No wonder he’s so much disgusted— That freedom-loving mind,— Which in official agents trusted Tastes like his own to find,— To learn that Africans in batches, By tyrannous French knaves, Are fettered and thrust under hatches, For all the world like slaves ! By such means men may be o’erawed In Paris, or in Rome,— But Liberty begins abroad, As Charity at home. Enthusiast ! He thought the niggers Thus clapped aboard his ships, Were Fortune’s fav’rites, freed from rigours Of barracoons and whips, To make, by bicoloured communion, The isle to which they came A blesséd Black and White 2éuxion, Tn fact as well as name. But Frenchmen on such work of fraud Elsewhere, henceforth, must roam— Now Liberty begins abroad, As Charity at home. How that large heart of love paternal Must at the thought have bled, That spite of his regard fraternal For men, white, black, or red, While he conceived himself fulfilling Humanity’s high task, Poor niggers should ’tween decks be grilling, Like herrings: in a cask! Such lot may send a trait’rous horde Cayenne-wards o’er the foam— But Liberty begins abroad, As Charity at home. | To think that Blacks who service proffered, Free men to masters kind, Should find a pair of handeuffs offered The contract fast to bind! Should find their liberties surrendered, Their souls no more their own, The willing service that they tendered To slaves’ submission grown ! Something like this, if France applaud Beneath the Tuil’ries’ dome— Why, Liberty begins abroad, As Charity at home. And if Ideologue logicians Presume on asking why These liberating dispositions Do not at home apply— | Why you make France’s fetters stiffer, While Afric’s off you strike,— It is that French and negroes differ As wide as black and white ! Down, fetish, slaver, force and fraud— Except in France or Rome-- For Liberty begins abroad, As Charity at home! Sedet, Eternumque Sedebit Infelix Gladstone. Lorp Patmerston, the other night, remarked that there remained | above five hundred votes to be taken in Su Honourable friend, the CHaNncELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, of course ly, and that his Right movable Poor Bru ! would have to sit until they were disposed of. As the progress has clear the total clearance will occupy some time; and funny members are beginning to apply to W1LLiam GuapsTone the title of the Irre- | | been recently continued at the rate of about one vote per night, it is | | |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Juty 20, 1861. 0 hh, LN) sre LUE CHSAR ET IMPERATOR. “AH, MASSA NAPOLEON! YOU AL’AYS WAS DE FRIEND OB FREEDOM—NOW YOU AM A MAN AND A BRODER.”

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Juny 20, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ‘29 OUR NATIONAL DEFENDERS. aa per : BEGAN to spin a a week or two ago owe a visit I had paid to some naval friends at Sherrys- mouth, on board the trainin; ship Excelsior, as I vent . to re-christen her. Amny- ‘y thing in any way relating to our navy must always be to > i) Englishmen a matter of pen to all sailors, who are able seamen, and. can po he write. m a Se pager go ae he gy ag (who wait at Poanage ‘so neatly, one of them sp e curry over eve: 3 aenors on board has good hard work cut out for Eon, genie Mrs oni is exercised as well as ever One stares at first to see big ar fisted fellows ciphering like schoolboys with slates upon their Japs ; and one stares still more to hear that rhaps, is the study over which those brown-faced heads are In big fun work it seems that trigonometry is a of a help to trigger- nometry ; and so, ye mariners of who wish te raise your pay, by matin | your nine months at school in , Must make your minds up to a dose of mathematics now and_ them, or you will not get your certificate of having pane = the te wr beng ¢ good a naval times, w mn some interest, and you will | made ex smdwiches of twenty- — bank-notes, m As ust mot tenable Zz doubtless therefore let me | lament mareh of education, and bless their dear eyes the = — what more I have to} change did mot happen in their day. Well, E don’t. believe men say. iit th = worse for knowing how to read and write; and w y= I me s a bad Or ad oa a so long ad ® man’s body y is wet ee as the tax st: th, the more brains t r well knows), sg good sing = be D.M. soon forget my first night} “Wishing well to all our Blue Jackets, as every Briton should, ( = on board ship. Don’t think “T remain, under command, . I'd been gorman or a Pa Ar 7 At; \ taking too et gab a hey Your Navau bssrector. give you good ers / phite * at mess in the Loken but on not tempt your Co nightmare - —— ing ti there is wiitile fear of that. the port goes round fans cloth has has been removed i Athe fist la cas being ee - Ses only beset ae im& mus |. an hemes, » you om “oe a aga one poame sherry while it is being brought Bacchanals m y think thes wanee, but young blood , and yourg pockets are dainties. And as for seats bat litle wine to ken up its the healthier for this wise rule iP ane “The simple reason why I long shall remember that first night was that I slept with my ears within six inches of the deck, and a sentry with new boots was w all night over me. Two “inches of deal pally plngde: dae 3a tween my hearing and his heels ; and although I am well used to Waits and catawaulings, and all the ‘voices of the night’ that make it hideous in town, this novel illustration of the Power of Sound was quite enough to me from all hope of gol to sleep. Creak, crunch! Creak, crunch! If he had worn a en leg the torment could not have been worse. Creak, crunch! ana coming nearer till his steps crunch through my head, and then rec ually until he round, and then creak, crunch! creak, CRUNCH! ! the torture as before. It is a satisfaction certainly to know one’s sleep is watched, that is to say, supposing that one can get to sleep. feels inclined to say all sorts of sentimental things about the sweet little cherub that m deck to watch over the life of poor Jack. But when the sweet lit b is a heavy-footed sentry with a pair of c: boots, one is prone at any risk to wish he were off, duty, or at all events that he had got his boots off. ** However lazy and luxurious their life may be ashore, there is no fear of guests getting too much sleep on the Excelsior. ‘At half. past five en time, or three haga ae be nautical, the day’s business begins eral rouse-out ; for a st af to snooze through the ieatio. that ensues would’ Frye as easy as to fall asleep when first one hears. Niagara. I was on the poop by seven, and found some future Ritts GiGh tcemcams lela pan detect hon his me- ¥ ys, deducts) hard at it in their a ape cea with single-stick and before Ae and practising their left hands to as good skill as their right. The chance of being wounded of course is ever present to the mind of fighting men, and in praetice with the big guns, as well as with the arms, care is rightly taken to Pre against disablement. at seven—hear it, ye who snore till twelve !—mess thin ae ae and men and boys all fresh and rosy from their scru ‘50 for inspecticn on parade ; drill from 9 till half-past ee stand easy for five minutes, then drill again until 11°45 ; dinner ot 7. and pipe up those who like to smoke ( (a filthy habit, just see how clean the deck 3 swabbed up ‘fer it dar. ener 2 bells until 5 bells. I beg your pardon, Cockney, T mean to say from one o’clock ie ye? i two ; stand easy for five minutes, and then drill resumed when all hands knock off ver, and, after t supper, sacs dlng in a bells. These details of the wd th 8 routine I pera own on from my own personal a E think it right to state: because if to the country, it is right that ie Naval ie are now forbidden any naval know] to the press; so os epee doom to save my friends at Sherrysmouth from "the I’ve disclosed. Fecelsior is npt a s a floating public publie poking 0 for the Ip for Pale A FASHIONABLE SQUARE. An Advertisement, oce conspicuous. ye in im one of the principal columns of our ‘ektomehie contens contemporary, offers— Bice REAL LACE SQUARES FROM 16 GUINEAS. Who would be such an ass as to marry a woman that expected to go about with a shawl upon her shoulders yon guineas at least ? ? That a “lace square,” by the bye, : a F donne esl. fon rhaps be necessary te inform some of our fellowmen, who are bachelors, or who, bein: mari are not accustomed to scan the items of their wives’ milliners’ bi A duck of a shawl no ~ soma whereof plays dueks amd drakes with what sum does the price of these things scorn? Wi ? What is 3 the highest of a lace square, if 16 guineas is the lowest? How much would the entire dress, of whieh the lace a portion, probably come to? The wearer, v Ta What salle e her gh Be all, stands for several hundred pounds at a walking Income-Tax mt her husband ! How can such a wife be supported by anybody but a man of boundless affluence? She must needs be Spey to the fool who married her, unless he is so exceedingly rich a fool as to be blest with wealth in inverse proportion to brains. We should like to know the total ex- f | pense of an establishment -_ a ee of a maintained in conformity with the real lace square at from 1 eas. many a case, doubtless, there is a rapid transition foie the square to the workhouse. It is well that females have no political . rights. If partes back any, the 16 guinea shawl-wearers would exercise in the uence on the national a very different from that which } is exerted by the ten-pound householders. To what immensity the representatives of these incarnations of extravagance would swell the estimates ! With a view to defray the expenditure of one —_ sumptuous woman, her husband must have to — ittee of Ways and Means. What then? , perhaps he sells the securities which he is intrusted with, embezzl bes , or defrauds a , and passes, from subjugation to her insatiable vanity, into pend servitude. DON’T RUN FOR GOLD. TuEreE are Englishmen foolish enough to do the maddest but we trust that our readers are too sensible to allow Prope ley carried away by the absurd idea that gold is to be found in Nova Scotia. We doubt if there is a money in the colony at all, or else they would have built something like a decent hotel in Halifax long before this time. To prove how ously deficient it is in accommodation of that kind, when the Priyce or Waxks visited the town, poor Lorp Mouterave had to turn out of Government House to make room for him. As for his i he was quite like an ontcast in his own capital. For a whole week he slept on a billiard-table, without any " covering, and had to put his toes in the pockets to keep them warm. Philosophy on the Butcher's Block. Prosperity, they say, is a more - be pene f As oop tene Ly eth Mea. there be a long lg pm a or a ere be a viaiadier a and 1 cosine eal Reems tke bad!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 20, 1861. ¢ | ii LE LL tS x ZZZ LZ LIZA £4 LL LL A Li Lif LL LALA ‘ L7 7 Liha WZ. “hihi eae Tr GROSS OUTRAGE. “ Now, Sir, Tarncs Is WERY FLAT, YOU SHALL HAVE THE TWO FOR ’aL¥-a-Crown. | poets, should not object to it. THERE!” THE USUAL INGRATITUDE OF THE WORLD. Lorp Repespa.e, in the House of Lords, has been drawing attention to the disgraceful state of Leicester | Square. In answer to him,— ““EaRL GRANVILLE said that the public were much indebted | to the noble Lord for calling attention to this subject, which was | really of some importance.” ’ } Stuff and nonsense! If the public is indebted to | anyone, it is not to Lonp REpESDALE, but to Mr. Punch, | | who for years past has been rattling his tfuncheon | against the rusty railings, in order to draw public atten- | | tion to the dirt and rubbish that are collected inside | | them. We have been blowing hard upon this subject, | until we have been nearly suffocated i the dust we | | have raised about our ears. It is not pleasant, for one’s | nose even (and the length of our proboscis has often been a handle for caricaturists to lay playfully hold of) | | to come in contact with so much filth, and we can only | | say that anyone now is at liberty to ventilate the same subject, and to see if he does not soon become sick | of it. We would send Lorp ReprspAte all we have written |on this monster dirt-heap, only we are confident, from | | the able remarks that his Lordship indulged in, that he has already read every line of it. Only, as the credit is | due to us, so we must claim that it be honourably paid | |tous! If we only had a bottle of champagne for every public benefit that we have been the instigators or the authors of, crikey, CLicquot! what a glorious cellar we |should have! We would open a Drinking Fountain | | with it, that should be continually running, being con- | | tinually supplied, as it assuredly would ‘be, from the | |fresh benefits we should be continually conferring on | | the world! | One favour only we ask : if this metropolitan Ange | stable is to be cleansed Soy! we have practically been | | the Hercules to do it), let the same cart carry away | | the stable-boys, ostlers, disreputable hangers-on, and | every speck of the offensive human, or er, rubbish, | | that has so long been incorporated with 1. A Dialogue. Scene—Kensington Gardens. | “‘Wuar a gabble those people on horseback are making!” ae Eveentvus to a fellow student. | “Yes, my dear friend; but you, as a lover of the Is it not CowPEr’s | (S) Zable-Talk ?”? THE RIFLE RACES. Havine, from the enormous weekly increase to his wealth, a con- siderable interest in the welfare of the kingdom and in the condition of our national defences, Mr. Punch of course paid a visit to Wimbledon last week, for the purpose of examining the progress made in rifle shooting. The truth that practice makes perfect is nowhere more evinced than in a course of rifle practice, and Mr. Punch confesses that he felt no small surprise at the improvement.in the shooting since he | last year inspected it. Taking his stand beside the screen where last | year’s Champion Shot was shooting, Mr. Punch was pleased to see him score two “ centres” in succession at a 900 yards’ range ; and, as a man | of property, was still more charmed to see, that even suc d shooting failed after all to win him the first place. Splendid as the practice of | the Man (of) Ross may be, England doubt pry & ere long will count among her marksmen some thousands good as he is; indeed, if rifle shooting continue to improve at such arate as it has done, we may expect men to score “centres” in continuous succession for an hour at a time, just as certainly as “ sixes” are thrown in Bow and Coz. As he listened to the singing of the bullets through the air, Wr. Punch could not help hoping that such war-songs would in England be heard only in peace; and as he saw how surely the blue flag or the white (each denoting a fair hit) was waved after song, he thought invaders would do wisely to keep well out of hearing, unless the Wished to get an ounce or two of lead put in their ears. If any one fad told him when he issued his first volume twenty years , that long before his fortieth was laid before the Universe he would see a bullseye hit with tolerable certainty at more than half a mile, Mr. Punch would have put very little faith in the prediction. But thanks to Munré, Enrrexp, Wuitwortu, Henry, and some others, the feat is easily accomplish- able if men will only practise it, and every one who loves his country of course will. There is no doubt, had the ancient Britons owned such weapons, a black page in our history would never have been written for the invasion of England would not have taken place. Csar an his legions would have quietly been potted half a mile from shore, and even the very longest of their Roman noses would have never cast its shadow on the British sand. Having just glanced round the tent where the prizes were exhibited (he did not dare to look long at them for fear he might be tempted to cket one or two of them, which there were too many policemen ooking amiably on to make it safe for him to do), Mr. Puuch spent half an hour in smoking a cigar and seeing the “‘ Rifle Derby :” which, but for the two trifling facts that there were no horses and (so to speak) no people, might somewhat have reminded him of the race whence it was named. But of all the rifle races, that in which ‘he took chief interest was the one where Rugby distanced the other public schools, and which, from the creditable practice that was shown, proved that proper steps were taken to make our future statesmen as familiar | with Enfield’s rifle as they are with Enrretp’s Speaker, and to teach their young idea how properly to shoot. Quite disregarding dinner, in his military enthusiasm, Mr. Punch stayed on the ground until the ties were all shot off (by the way, why don’t the drapers bring out a Rifle Tie ?), and then returned to town | feeling very hungry, and happy in his mind at having seen so good an | exhibition for his shilling, and more than ever satisfied that as both a | fundholder and father of a family he was well protected by our national defenders, and might proceed to lay his*head upon his pillow without | the nightmare of Invasion disturbing his night’s rest.

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| Santon wi Juty 20, 1861.] CHARIVART. \ 31 —- EXERCISE BEFORE DINNER. (To Mr. Atperman GutcH.) My pear ALDERMAN, Let me commend to your attention the follow- ing passage, extracted from a newspaper re relative to the Crystal e:— “The grounds of the Crystal ') Palace are now very beautiful ; in ~ ie of mt ny FHI 8 the building ftesh novelties have been providedin the-shape of a num of live turtles, which are allowed to sport in the southern basin.’” When you are going to dinewith be mer ps : or to p a et in the hall of one of your great Companies, let me eenmnttae me to take a 1oliday mm the mormmn¢e \ and spend it at the Crystal Palace. You will find that a much better Asaage > map an appetite ti taking 4 dinner-pill. Theinspection of works of art and objeets of natural history, com tinued for a few hours, is rally makes hungry, even if the zoological spe- cimens are stuffed, and not calculated for |and one would also have to a sort of exercise that geme-} stuffing beholder. But the sight of live turtle sporting m a in, which», one that can be seen ~ fw person endowed with the least ima- | uxt suggesting the idea of lumps of green fat floating in a tureen, | cannot fail of rendering the most oe te citizens absolutely ravenous. The | Crystal Palace was meant for the cultivation of people’s taste: avail yourself of the advantages which it offers in that respect; go, contemplate the live turtle sporting in their basin; feast your eyes upon them there and then, and your mind, im anticipation, on the calipash and cali e, in the enjoyment whereof you are des- tined to revel m afew hours. “Ab in the meadows to see the young lambs,” must always conjure up visions of delight enhanced by mint-sauce ; but what are | they to the delicious prospects, in connection with a squeeze of lemon, which will | be presented to your Worship’s. fancy by the gambols of live turtle? Ah! May good jon wait on appetite! Am I not, indeed, your Worship’s Sweet Remembrancer, PUNCH. The Clarendon, July, 1861. THE SAVING OF INDIA. By a letter in a Zimes City article, and which was there acknowledged as received from “an e ienced Calcutta merchant,” grumblers at the Government were delighted with the following :— “We have nothing new in the financial lately, except a report to Government by the ‘Civil Finance Commission’ as to the working of Government Staticnery Office. They suggest such alterations as will, they say, cause a saving of some £30,000 a year, and the Government has ordered all their recommendations to be carried out. ‘ If these thi are done in the green tree, what shall be done in the dry?” If £30,000 a year can be saved in stationery, what can be saved by a proper economy in the whole administration of India? The report isa perfect curiosity, and I feel to send it to Punch. The whole matter would be laughable were it not too serious to see how money has been wasted.” Thirty Thousand Pounds a-year seems a good round sum to save by squaring the accounts of a Stationery Office, and the eonsumption of pens, ink, and paper must | really imagine that the Government clerks in India wrote with usthing but gold | Pens, and used a new one for each note. If one added that most pro penholders were made of the finest mother-of-pearl, and inlaid with rubies, be quite prodigious when such a sum as this can be annually saved im it. Govern- ment clerks in England have rather a bad name for wasting precious time for which the public has to pay them; but their fellow-clerks in India must waste something else than time, if the statement we have quoted lt found to be vera- cious. It is a usual thing in land for Government to use a sheet of foolscap when it wants to write a note of -a-dozen words ; but in India one would fancy it must have been the custom to consume at least a quire of the most expensive letter-paper in making out rough drafts of every communication, and one would think that the fair copy was written upon vellum made from skin as precious as that which is reputed to have borne the Golden Fleece. Even this, indeed, would searce aecount for such a waste as Thirty Thousand Pounds a-year ; and one might ably their emeralds, and diamonds, the conjecture would still fail to account for the enormous expenditure in stationery, which a saving of some Thirty Thousand Pounds a-year uplies ; J cy their inkstands gemmed with sapphires and their blotting-pads composed of £100 bank-notes, which they were » to tear out and put into their oo. as trifles forming part of the per- quisites of the 4 : : : A good deal has been said about the hs of India in the time of the Revolt ; but the saving which is spoken of as being now in prospect appears to us but little, if at all, less wonderful. Very certainly the Sepoys have not been the only or the most msidious enemies with whom the Indian revenue has been recently attacked. The employés who = water _ a me ag me must fairly regarded as foes to her pros y; and we can- not wonder that her fortunes should. stand still while suelx a. drain upon her coffers continues to be stationery. SENSE v. SENSATION. Somes would have it an age of Sensation, If the age one of Sense may not be— The word’s not Old England’s creation, But New England’s, over the sea,— Where all’s in the high-pressure way, In life just as in locomotion, And where, though you’re here for to-day, Where to-morrow you’ll be, you’ve. ne uetion. Tn that, land of fast life and fast laws— Laws not faster made than theyre broken— Sensation ’s the spirit that: To a head, whate’er’s written or spoken. Ea steamer blow up on the 5 Or a statesman prove false to the mation, Tits impression the circumstamee makes h headed “Sensation.” If a senator gouges a friend In the course of a lively debate ; Or a pleasure-train cones to an en By trying to leap a lcck-gate ; If the o. Hiram Dooes takes the stump, Or the President makes an oration, | The event able Editors lump | Under one standing head of “ Sensation.” The last horrid murder down South, The last monster mile-panorama ; Last new sermon, or wash for the mouth, New acrobat, planet or drama : All—all is Sensation—so fast, Piled up by this go-a-head nation, That by dint of Sensation at last, __ There ’s nothing excites a “Sensation.” And now that across the Atlantic Sensatio’ Worn threadbare “ m.” we ve seen, And the people that lately were frantic, i Blush to think that such madmen they’ve been; | Mr. Punch sees with pain and surprise, On the part of this common sense nation, | Every here and there, on the rise, This pois’nous exotic Sensation.” When an acrobat ventures his neck, | In the feats of the flying trapéze Or some nigger minstrel woul deck His wool-wig with extra green bays ; If a drama can boast of a run, By dint of a strong situation, The posters e’en now have begun _ To puff the thing up as “ Sensation.” Mr. Punch’ gainst the word and the things It applies to, his protest would enter : For the “i a excitement it brings May England ne’er prove fitting centre. _ If you’ve got something good, never doubt it By deeds will avouch its vocation ; And be sure that not talking about it Is the true way to make a “ Sensation.”

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[Jury 20, 1861. _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. \ vu IN \ hea lidhipne’p MRS. ROCHEFOUCAULD’S MAXIMS. Mrs. RocnEroucautp would ‘like to know why Aer | maxims should not be read, as well as those of her old j lord and master. All women are not weak-minded; quite | the reverse. | Mrs. R. is quite convinced that the gallantry of Mr. | Punch will induce him to do her justice, by opening his | brilliant columns to a few of her good things. Wy Y BY) The following are by no means her best :— of our very dearest friend. | We should, indeed, be often ashamed of the noble de- | votion and self-sacrifice with which we give ourselves away, | were it always possible for the happy man to know why we pass into the temple of Hymen. We are really not answerable for our defects, and they |are to be pardoned; but when we see a friend endea- | vouring, by base arts, to hide the maladresses of nature, we are justified in proclaiming the attempted deceit to the world. wit is y l 4) We are jealous of men whom we love; and of women whom we hate. | Women are vain of their persons ; Yet the men cry “Poor weak garters are to men. men of their actions. woman ! ” It is difficult to announce the birth of love to another; but how much more difficult to declare that he is dead ! ] It requires the most consummate tact to hate politely. Our laziness often keeps us in the path of duty where four parents oy ee us.’ But, if the world wi// cry ** Bravo !”—why should we say “ Hush! ” Generally, when we — anybody, if we search our motives, we shall find that we are returning them only a very small percentage of the admiration they have expressed — ——_ Printed by William B: , of No. 13, U; ‘Woburn Place, and Evans, of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, nt’s Park, both in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, Prints at their Ones Ta Lombard Street, in the Precinet of Whiteline ia the City of London, = Published by ae No. 8, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in the City of London.— ’ Saruxpay, July 29, 1861. | | We can all bear, with resignation, a rent in the dress | Bracelets and ear-rings are to women what stars and | for ourselves. If a friend praises our dress and carriage, we handsomely find that her gloves are not gwi¢e so ill- THE PHOTOGRAPH. | fitting as they usually are. Mary. “ Wuy, TumMas, IT’s THE veRY MoraL oF YER!” wine had peckees ay waes = et Se ety ae Tummas. “PRETTY THING, AIN’T IT? Pity rHE YALLER OF THE Unironm | ~ 1 “ | comES so Brack!” With Mrs. R.’s best compliments to Mr. Puneh. OUR MUSICAL POLICE | Nor will this be the sole benefit likely to result when our Policemen ss ‘ as a rule have music in their souls, and by pretty frequent practice have = th 1, hh ° course everybody | perfected their taste im it. A love of good music of course will inspire 0 phn knows(for hath not | m due poses! ion a hatred of the hand-organs, gorilla German bands, and " Punch proclaimed | lamp-blacked Nigger minstrels, who are now so constantly the breakers c= the fact ?) that the |of our peace. Welsh harpers from Whitechapel, and Scotch bagpipers Police are forming | from Shoreditch, will be taken up at once as musical impostors when bands for musica] | musical detectives are enrolled in the Police ; and'as for all the squeakers performance, as a| With the hurdy-gurdy and squealers with the fife, they will instantly be means of recrea- | handcuffed for the uttering of false notes. The same stern justice will tion in their well- | be dealt to Paganinis of the pavement, who, if they persist in playing, ( earnedleisuretime. | Will soon get into a scrape, and will find their solo stopped by a rapid | ‘ We met a body of | pedal movement on the part of the Police; whilst their performance on ] them the other | one string will get them into a line which ends at the Station House. 1 evening coming} We can imagine a street organ-grinder flying, terror-stricken, before P away from prac- |a tall Policeman with a trombone at his , from which a blast of é tice, with their in- | vengeance might fittingly be blown; while the Waits, who make night f struments in their | hideous with their fiddlings and their flutings, would at once be appre- | t hands, and ourfirst | hended for the murder of our sleep. A Policeman who has gotten a | c impression _was | good ear and taste for music, of course will have small mercy on all the that they’d been bad band-itti by whom the so-called “quiet streets” are now especially 7 taking up a music | infested, and who levy a black-mail on all who are in hearing, and rob { shop, or capturing | them of their money, or else rob them of their rest. { ‘some burglars who | j had broken into one, and walked off with the stock. But when the | ] truth became apparent, we thought how good a thing it was that the | t | Police should live in harmony, and we reflected that their instruments | Clear as Mud. ] would be greatly instrumental towards the keeping of the peace. A | 1 j | trombone im the hands of a Policeman six feet high would be a| Tue Assi Crvice has lately been preferred to the See of Marseilles. ls formidable weapon in the case of a street row, and a blow from an This ecclesiastic, according to the Courrier de Marseille, “is of Irish | \t ophicleide, if wielded as a weapon, would be even more effective than | descent, and the author of several esteemed works, remarkable for the | | a trenchant truncheon-cut. ere is no doubt that a mob would soon | qualities of their style and the clearness of their ideas.” The clearness , | be awed into dispersion if they saw a band of “Bobbies” marching | of the ideas contained in the works of BisHor Cruice is perhaps the e down upon them with such arms in their hands, and playing the | strongest possible evidence, next to an authenticated pedigree, of his . 5, Bigeee March,” or “ See we Conquering Heroes come !” | Irish deseert. V a

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Jury 27, 1861.]

ODE TO PAM. WELL, PaLmerston, the bard did sing coe I ; = ’re not all ha to everything, =—y Ne ; ' | Not any mortal every point is right on. | i i | : An admirable Puach I am —— (|

And you’re an admirable Pam, But nobody’s an admirable Cricuton. Enlightened statesmanship ’s your line, You almost rival me in mine, On every subject speak wise words in season, Save only two, or some say three, Blaming, in your theology, The too prevailing element of reason. But doctrine we will set apart— a, | | » Kod Posey, ners wal d Bassey ! oetry, elsewhere at home, you wander, a Wy) wom, Going, like any sheep, astray, ‘ \ijinddy;224 a Or erring creature, fond of hay, : But thought to be of gorse and thistles fonder. is Yj) \\\ || men = y Ww HY Y III \ °Tis very well, in terms jocose, yy a AY HRSG To say you pensioned Poet Crosz, and | \ \ HSS H On trust of other peoples’ commendation. ons : 4 4 | it yO. Confess you read his doggerel base, weak / " \ And looked upon it as a case Of genius, and of genuine inspiration. Acknowledge, with a beaming smile, You don’t admire the Gothic style, Because you have a Cockney’s eye for building. And do like garish marble halls With chubby Cupids on the walls, All overdone with carving and with gilding. our | : | EaeeceennetEUNUUG Admit, from utter want of taste, nly a ae : ' \ H That you allowed to be defaced

| phil

Why Lio iiiii.

i = ill. — ; =i, ‘= igs the public wishes made _. “S ‘ ‘ X © please the horsey dandies whippersnapper.

inals A Wee Bit o’ Siller. A Supscription is being raised for Jonn ANDERSON, the slave who struck for freedom, and won it. d/r.

CANDOUR. Punch senses, the - to ~ liberality . English — é Goi ‘a. Siri + Spl? he , . freemen, and even those who can afford to send po more oe Doc Fanctgr. “Going to India, Sir? Oh, then I couldn’t Sell him, Sir. Not out 4° “ . : om 0 England, Sir. No, Sir. Why,I should never See Him Agin, ten to one—and he’s a than fourpence may do so with the appropriate ine, and regular Hannwity to me!” Joun ANDERSON. ... . . . My Joe. akers pers - _ * a more excellent Masetto? Roncont’s rustic clumsiness all our stage os OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. bumpkins should see, and lay to heart a lesson from his admirable bye- ly be “Dear Puncn, or They may learn how to be humorous without making themselves will “ALrHOUGH my correspondence is professedly dramatic, 1 | ludicrous, and how to keep their drollery from creates oy ee ying, | cannot pass unnoticed the fact that Grutia Grist, the Groce of Lyric What do I think of Parri now, I Z ‘7 er as ae . co rapid. | Song, is at length about to abdicate the throne she long has filled. | I frankly own she charmed me mores an ieee. d Ir ted with € On Her eight last final farewell performances are over, and her admirers | 8” graceful in both her bien It caring, S26 = tr Any | * do ullam inveni i esy, but 1 fancy bh N } Jy Te en ca | aoe (2 Lucia or her ‘consumptive Zraviata: and I See, now I have cially 1 rob When are we to hope to look upon her like? Where else can we hear | heard her sing such musie as Mozart’s, that she will not run the risk that pure and classic style of vocal declamation, or see sweeping o’er | of spoiling her good taste by singing too much in the sickly sentimental the stage that stately queen-like step? When in shall we see| Verpr school, which brings improvement neither to the singer nor Norma as Norma should be seen, or again so deeply sympathise with | the listener. ¥ Valentine and Desdemona? This I could not well help thinking when| ‘ With the exception of a comedy translated for the Haymarket by pkg my last look at her as Donna Anna, wherein she sang and acted | the veteran Mr. PLancué, and a skit at the Adelphi on the question I not say as finely as she had ever done, but more finely than I | of Belgravian Mammas v. Pretty Horsebreakers, there are no dramatic know of any other who can do. No, I’m not forgetting TreTsens. | novelties to bring before your notice: and my comments on these two She is a grand singer, and still der as an actress; but in neither, | I shall defer until I’ve seen them—I wonder, do the critics adhere to my t , is she yet so grand as GRIsI. always to this rule? At the latter house the Dead Heart has once “ Au reste, Don Giovanni was capitally cast, and indeed the whole | more been brought to life, as the Colleen Bawn has been withdrawn for performance was worthy of the leave-taking. To say that Costa was | afew weeks. The withdrawal took place not because the piece had conductor is to say that band and chorus were all that could be wished, | ceased to draw, but because poor Miles-na-Coppaleen required a little and that the accompaniments (were there ever such accompaniments?) | breathing time after his tremendous headers in the lake, of which ter- veeaeres as Mozart would have loved to hear them. We have seen | rific jumps he has now taken here in London two hundred and thirt a Don, we who remember TamBuRINiI; but can any one imagine! one! Iam somewhat at a loss to account for such success, for tho

VOL. XLI. E

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3 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Jury 27, 1861. | to my thinking the piece is somewhat cleverly constructed, (especially the Cave | to tear away the consecrated ermine from the shoulders of | Scene,) it contains but little that can raise it above ordinary melodramas. But} the Hibernian Themis, but the statement of Unick pr | playgoers in general are a rather sheep-like race, and blindly follow one another} Buren, descendant of the Great Lord of Connaught in | wherever fashion leads them. Very certainly, however, I rejoice at such success | 1227. Lonp SrratHEepEN urged the appointment of a | on Mr. Manager’s account, for he well deserves whatever solid proof of popu-| British Beak at Mozambique, in order to ae the Portu- | larity he gets, for no man in his position has ever tried more earnestly to please} guese to put down the slave-trade, but LonpD GRANVILLE | the fickle public. I feel inclined to clap my hands too on the author’s own} preferred to wait until Dr. Livinestone should have had | account, for I am told that he participates fairly in the profits; and this ~ time to carry out his operations. And a Committee was | ciple is one I think of benefit to tlie drama, for when a writer has direct i | interest in the long-continued running of a piece, he will surely spare no pains to | pictures. do his utmost towards ensuring it. | Tom Duncomse wished to know whether the American “Onze Wuo Pays.” | Secessionists are to be allowedit#star and feather British stbjects. Lorp Jonn Russsti—but, under the circum- | “'P.S. By the bye, Mrs. Srrtute, to whom all playgoers owe so much, has) stanges, he must have a new paragtaph— been robbed of her trinkets—many of them birthday gifts and such like memorials:| aun, Luptow, or Eart Russeut, aut guocungue, replied An Amateur Performance at Camden House will be given by some of her admirers ¢jiat he had heard of only one ease of the kind, and in to replace the money value of her loss. August the third is the day fixed for Peg that case a Britisher was about served right for wearing Woffington’s benefit.” izan.colours—yes, Sir. | Six: Irishmen tried to prevent tlie House from going into Stipply;. by ising a long debate: on Irish Education. The iswer te all objections to the present system is, that we are teaching $06,000 little. Irish folk and as’ the new Census shows tat there are but 5,764,543 people in Ireland, the | | per-eetitags is exceedingly satisfactory. The 6 were | defeated! by 36, and tlie English. tyrants voted £285,377 for Irish Education. Into the Offences: against the Person Bill Mx. Hentey distovered that the Arronney-GENERAL | had’ introduced a clause which would plare any unfortunate | | refugee at_the merey of. thie Police, and would do, in fact, | what the House so vigorsusly refused to do, some time | a0; to please our friend tlie Fisher for Frogs. Mr. Wat- | POLE supported Ma. Hiwwamy in denouncing this clause, | | and after a little battle, the Government of course, gave |way. [tis thought that the great guns of the Administra- | tion had not been aware of tlienature of the clause, for they made only Fort Sumter firing, with sawdust in their shells, | land surrendered as quickly as tley could. ATHERTON | | must not do this sort of thing: without leave, or we shall be | obliged to put ihe naughty boy im the Judge’s corner at } once, Tuesday. Taords—India. In the Commons, after a preliminary squabble on the | Irwin business, hereafter mentioned, and a refusal by | Government to appoint a Consul at Pesth, the only |interesting business of this night was the discussion | on the vote of £12,000 for the National Gallery. Lorp | Henry Lennox was very urgent upon Government not | to incur any expenses for new galleries. Lorp Pat- } | MERSTON praised the plan of Caprarin Fowke, for im- | proving the Trafalgar Square building, but thought that | what had been done there had been well done, which | | indeed it ought to have been, for the job has cost £15,000. | He said that the Academy was quite ready to move out when requested to do so. Mr. Layarp dwelt upon our pictorial wealth, and our inability to exhibit it, and poor old Mr. Spooner complained that in the National Portrait | Gallery there was a likeness of NetpGwynne. Mr. Punch only doubts whether the foundress of Chelsea, who has surely been harmless long enough to permit us to remember | only her good points, ought not to have a statue by the Thames. Divers strong hints were given that the sooner | the Academy cleared out of Trafalgar Square the better. | Apropos thereof, Mr. Punch hereby pats the heads of the The Age of the Comet ascertained to w@ Nicety. The Antediluvians Recognise an Old Acquaintance of A.M. 1372. oes - ===} Royal Academicians, and the other distinguished artists who have publicly protested against the six-legged in- PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. truders into Kensington Gardens. When the Sacred Grove | Juxx 15, Monday. Buglish residents in India made, through Lorn Excey-| is delivered from the galloping Swells, let it, in gratitude BOROUGH, the not unreasonable request that when they have to be tried they may | be tried before English judges and juries. Every man except one man must desire to be judged by | peers, the exception being, of ~— the architect ~~ has builé a bad bridge. Lorp Tassort pe Maxanime adverted to the subject of| 7 + we “ Treasure Trove—or hidden (not to say, absurdly, Malahidden) treasure. Finders | Co pringoaae ey Bemor ed from the People. of curiosities have an unfortunate habit of thinking them their own, and of acting} Wednesday. If Suwripan had written the play of the not be able to spell. On second thought, however, the upon that conviction; and if the Crown would offer rewards for the surrender of | Minor, there might have been some slight reason for his | such matters, valuable archeological relics, his Lordship thought, would be saved | descendant’s meddling with mines ; but, as_he wanted even | from the melting-pot. The difficulty is, that Lords of Manors and others have |that excuse for bringing in a Mining Bill which was | rights which the Crown might injure. But with all conceivable respect for vested | generally condemned, and even repudiated by Mr. Pavit, rights, Mr. Punch conceives that Jonn Tomxins, Hsg., 1861, has not much real whose name was on it, we cannot condole with him on the claim to coins buried by Jonaynes DE TomKyns, 1352, and that the land which | extinction of his legislative Davy’s lamp, and the con- has been taking the trouble to keep them ia her faithful bosom all the inter-| signing it to Davy’s locker. The Bill for enabling people mediate time, has a sort of right to put them in her cabinet in Great Russell | to give criminal evidence without swearing made some pro- Street. Lorp CLanRicaRDe obtained an address for inquiring into the state of the | gress. On the Metropolis Act, Mr. Ayrton objected to | Common Law Courts in Ireland, where, this noble Irishman reports, there are a great | the Tawarres Parliament being allowed to alier the names | many more judges than are wanted, and that the whole lot do less work than two}of streets, so the power is to be limited to the cases | BE hk judges. Now this is no allegation by a cruel and brutal Saxon who longs| where several streets are called by the same name, This y au | appointed to consider the case of the TURNER and VERNON be called the Grove of Academus, which the Swells will | ’| rhododendron walk deserves the name already, (if one | accepted derivation of the title be correct,) for, thanks to oO shoe 2a itt eo meet ea So Oe od OO tees et oOo fr Ss oo = het est - ~~ oo = oo A bed a RY OE AEE At REA NE

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Jury 27, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHABIVAT. me: restriction is simply as absurd as most legislation—if a council can be | trusted to unchristen a couple of rows of cottages which two uxorious builders have called Sarah- Terraces, why can it not be allowed to alter King Street into Dryden Street, or Buggin’s Row into Massinger Buildings ! The House rose early, and a great many of the Members went and dressed themselves elegantly, and proceeded to the Mansion House, where Lorp Mayor Cusitt gave a splendid feast in honour of Mr. Cosppen and M. Micuer CHEVALIER, as negotiators of the French ‘Treaty. The best utterances on the occasion were by Mr. CoppEn and Miss who were loudly applauded. Nothing could be properer | than a City dinner on such A conaaion. for the Treaty is held to be a iece of licy, and what fitter emblems of Peace and Love are iece of peace there than Turtles? Mr, Puneh begs also to mention, to the extreme honour and glory of the Lorp Mayor, that instead of giving the sort of wine whieh mean have dared to set before the al, Lorp Mayor Cvnirt set forth liquids which were all first-rate, ag the I has some faint reealleetion of having remarked to the stars, en route t@ Baton Square, Leg ny Soo ia the a sgocch. by the new Lorp Cuax- CELLOB of the » to which the Indian Judicature i to a prospeet that, as Lorp Wexstzury said, will upon the mouths of many in Westminster ithtrew =e Trades pane =. as requiring wo given to it by gentlemen who are ming of “ > 3 of another kind. The debate, when it comes, will he edifying, and Mr. Punch begs to subjoin a brief extract from @ leading article in the Glasgow Morning Jour: to a recent case of Trade says— “ Very adroitly had one firm—who, we suppose, are good upon 'Change for thou- sands—gone about the d les adopting the colour of the paper used for g the French cotton, which was of a very iar shade, and putting the rench on the outside, they affixed the mark of an anchor upon the a French device was a cross—but bad the packages tied up in such a way that the string concealed the flukes of the anchor, and gave it all the appear- ance of a eross also. We need say no more than that the case against these merchant princes was ao clear that the Vice-Cuancesior did not think it necessary to call on jt forgot Ste ao Wed aetietticions cuties cry ovl uasiaas the m our cutlers cry out against the Belgian makers for imitating their trade marks.” The lawyers had an inni Arrornney-GENERAL explaining that , the es the Bankruptcy Bill Government had decided to “ disagree ” with the | t , which in alluding | Lords as to the appointment of the new Supreme Judge, and to | make a fight for that creation, Mr. Bovii1 thought the big Judge was not wanted, and urged that he would be uncommonly expensive. Various other big-wigs spoke alternately, and then the new Soticrror-GENERAL came out with his first official speech, in defence of the Judge appoint- ment. Him did Carns compliment on his appearance, and seek to | | refute in argument, and on division the Government obtained a victory having 173 to 129. As the parent of the Bill is now up aloft, we shall hear whether his eloquence will avail to induce the Lords to retract their decision. Lorp Dexsy, Mr. Punch Jenene, has packed his shirts and razors in order to be off to Knowsley, so the most formidable opponent of the measure will be out of the way. Friday. Lory Taunton gave very sensible counsel upon the subject of two statues which are contemplated, or rather which are not at | present contempl. because they are not in existence, but which it is a aay to erect in St. Mats Square, Parliament Palace, to | RUNEL and StepHENsON. He hoped that care would be taken to make these memorials worthy of the men and suitable to the locality, adding a grievous doubt whether they would be either. An interesting Polish debate followed, and all sorts of noble Lords expressed all sorts of noble sentiments in favour of Poland; but all that the very best the best from the good feeling of the Ewrrror or Russia. Mr. NewpecaTe made a si in abuse of the Inland Revenue Bill, and ge Po small objections were urged against some of its clauses, but Peelides pushed it through Committee. Lever, of Gal- —, assailed by petitioning Inwiy, of Quod, declared himself spotless and virtuous, and Irwin something entirely different. As usual ona personal matter, there was much solemn cackle. But then came a debate of real interest and importance. Mr. Krve- LAKE demanded whether the Government would deny that the Kixe or Traty had an intention of ceding nia to France. Siz Ropert Peer my him in his demand. Eart Luptow or Russert (Mr. Punch is always a-head of all the world) made an effective speech. He paid a high tribute to Baron Ricasoui, but said that if, after his declaration that he would not cede an inch of Italian soil, he should think of giving up he would be one of the Meanest of Equivocators. France and any: age distinetly declared to the English Government that there was no of such cession. We ought to be very vigilant, and very strongly armed, but ought not to be always evincing suspicion. The suggested annexation would at once put an end to the alliance of d and France. Our Earl iz futuro also spoke kindly of Spain, warmly of Italy, hopefully of peace, but renewed his emphatic decla- thing she can do is to lie quiet, and hope | ration that it was the duty of England to keep her sword bright and ready. Bowyer, of course, emitted bosh in the interest of the Papacy, and upon him did Peelides fall in thunder, defending the poser of England towards Italy, and braying the Bourbons in a mortar. ome mewling complaints which poor Lorp Normansy had made, in behalf of the Ex-Duxe or Mopena, were hardly worth the notice of Peelides, but it may be imagined that he made slaughtering work with them. Mr. Layarp spoke up valiantly for Cavour and his truthfulness. The whole debate was of a character which the great Punch has not often to notice, and which, if he were ever given to despair of our Monarchical Republic, would prevent his indulging himself in so unphilosophical a recreation. THE ABDICATION OF THE QUEEN OF SONG. “Wednesday, July the 24th, is fixed for Mapame Gaust’s retirement from the xe “bumper” at parting, though many A crammed house to hear her have met : | For her farewell the fullest charms that her genius hath in it, Each pesenens a fresh one brings forth, And hardly until the last minute Shall we realise fairly its worth. A So, fill we a bumper, and Bi treasure i The thought that we’ve heard her last note : | Tis meet we who owe her \ such pleasure, * To her farewell our presence devote. This evening will see our “Star” sinking From the scene by her nius made bright, ile our ears her last ac- * cents are drinking Ere she fadeth for aye from our sight, Gone our Valentine, our Desdemona, And Semiramis, stateliest queen, Gone our Norma /—shall we not bemoan.a Sweet syren as Grist hath been ? But fill we a bumper, and treasure The thought that we ’ve heard her last note : *Tis meet we who owe her such pleasure To her farewell our presence devote. YANKEE GREEKS AND TROJANS. Accorpiyg to intelligence received from New York, the telegraphic wires between that city and Troy have been burnt. It is a hard matter to burn wire, except in oxygen gas, and the combustion of wires perhaps could scarcely have occurred even in the goaingration of the original Troy. “ Burnt” is probably a blunder for which we should read “broken.” ‘The destruction, however, of the telegraphic wire con- necting New York with Troy was probably a strategic operation, and suggests the possibility of a food siege of Troy. The siege of Troy, Us. or late U.S., will perhaps be immortalised, by some Yankee versifier in an Iliad composed in the language of BrrporreEpom Sawiw. Or the “blind old man of Seio’s rocky isle” may find a successor in LonerELLow, who is less likely than any other fellow either in the Union or down South, to fall short of Homer. Egging Him On. Knowing Old Gentleman. Now, Sir, talking of eggs, ean you tell me where a ship lays to ? Smart Youth (not in the least diseconcerted). Don’t know, Sir, unless it is in the hatehway.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 27, 1861. aust) + AL | rit ; AN A RICAN jy. tsa Si Minos wen \~ be ad JOHN RUSSELL, EARL LUDLOW. Joun Russewt, Kart Lupiow, Joun, When we were first acquent, You would have scorned the haven On which you now are bent. But times are not more changed, Jony, From thirty years ago, Than from the Lorp Joun once I knew Will be the Eart Luptow. Joun Russet, Eart Lupiow, Joy, We cried “ Reform” together ; But Reformers now-a-days, JoHN, Have all clapped on the tether ; The Big Reform Bill pass’d, Jon, The Small one proved No Go; And you can boast a hand in both, Air—“ John Anderson, my Joe.” Joun Russext, Eart Lupiow, Jony, A gallant course you ’ve fared, Spite of letters, now and then, Jonny, That had been better spared. The British Constitu , JOHN, You ’ve talked out long ago; You’ll drop your common places, I hope, as Eant Lupiow. Joun Russext, Eart Lupiow, Jonny, I can’t refrain a groan, Contrasting your new sphere, JoHn, With that where once you shone. The House of Lords I fear, Jonny, You ’ll find uncommon slow, And for the Commons, gipsy-like, Joun RussEwi, Ear. Lupow, Joun, You’ll miss that field of fight, Where each day brought its council, Its struggle every night. At eight your business done, Jonn, Home from the Peers you ’Il go, And, like Pat, “for want of bating,” You’ll mould, my Ear. Lup.ow. Joun RussEtn, Earn Lupiow, Jouy, I count the glorious names, Who to put on Peer’s ermine Laid down their earlier fames— Of CuatHam, Hotanp, PuttenEY— Whose ghosts in warning row, Within the House of Lords, JOHN, *rywsyreryp ryvwt?yaw7waTté When you are Eart Lup.Low. AIDS TO AGRICULTURE. At the Leeds Agricultural Society’s annual meeting, there is wont to be exhibited a number of miscellaneous and unclassified inventions, unconnected, or supposed to be not particularly connected, with agri- culture. Among these, this year, were included: baths, beer-engines, and boot-cleaning apparatus. Bat hs, however, and boot-cleaning appa- ratus, are very desirable adjuncts to a farm. Agricultural proceedings, such as threshing and haymaking, usually induce states of skin which render ablution peculiarly necessary, and, after clodhopping over a chalk or clay soil, anybody would be glad of a boot-cleaning apparatus at hand, or rather at foot, to remove the five or six pounds of mud which the clodhopper has cleaving to his heels. Beer-engines are very highly requisite, and on a large farm they ought to be powerful engines, so as to draw beer enough to slake the thirst of a multitude of per- spiring reapers, who, bathed in moisture, are nevertheless, as they say Youll sigh, when Eart Lup.ow. Wring hands o’er Fant Lupiow! in Hampshire, “terreeable dry.” But the farm beer-engine ought to be connected with a cellar of good home-brewed beer, and then it will have the wholesome effect not only of refreshing and invigorating the labourers, but also of keeping them away from the public-house, and the jerry-shop, where beer-engines generally communicate with the very worst of swipes, or with bitter ale, the best of which is tolerably good physic of the tonic kind, and nearly as nice as infusion of gentian; but is rather the sort of stuff to cure the complaint of “ seediness,”. and “hot coppers,” than that of natural thirst, such as carters and plough- men are frequently attacked with in the course of a day spent in actively and energetically carrying out the operations of agriculture. Farm-labourers sometimes ignorantly object to machinery, but the dullest of clowns has sense enough to approve of the beer-engine. THe Fatsest or Fatse Utrerers.—One who coins lies. = wt £2 FW eee Oe oe ee oe ma WwoaTT

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jury 27, 1861. ma near emnman ~ taltirme dad Beck —$____.. a fa A re sn hhi C Ch Johnny! yell find it t/ (\\ \ \N\\ ~~ might y dull here —~ MA ‘aaa "Oy | ‘I | May you be I rE >) heyy y HIKSNS | | yy iI g a) & \ J mS y Ee 7 RETIRING PRIVATE LIFE Ae

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x Jun 27, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 39 OUR ROVING CORRESPONDENT. “My 4 Puncu, “ ARE say ‘while staying at Rome, or Paris, or Dresden, or Munich, you yo not my wf to o e the wonderful confidence and | gur simplicity with which our fair countrywomen trip through the various eries in those famous cities, g running notes on dotting, down Trrtan with om H.B. pencil, transferring Mayteena to the fly-leaf of Murray, and sing wD a work by Gumpo with/ne. more remorse than 2d wes o-wedding e. The ease and rapidity with which these chamning critics form acquaintance with aud the merits of the old Masters is truly astonishing. I once heard a young ae (who did know how to turn her eyes to excellent account) remark, that she had ‘done’ the Capitol between a full a of the Bo _ hours of adding that she would be able to give Collection by the time we met at ind Tak cout, psi the he langage ree ona m of the country where Hore an reine be py pf Fog ies ere have ‘months in e study of a single ry and am half Saif flier throw up my profession in despair, at my ignorance. “ And this is what I always feel pospeting thy the wen of VANDYKE Brown and Mac Ocure in our cademy. justice ever done to those renowned artists? Seemg an fakibiton st eed! Give me one picture in one nog 4 one hour and I will try and tell you som about it. The remarks which I make in these letters may amuse cannot possibly offend the public, but as for pretending that T have y examined every one of the eleven hun and thirty- four works of art exhibited at the R.A., and as for setting up as a learned critic—psha! I know tlie ae of my own malt, and am as modest a fellow as ay could wish to “With this little exordium then » @ ‘enter the Middle Room, and without commenting on the unfortunate bathos which occurs from the ag ge in the catalogue of the Spirit's Flight and Preparing for I pass on to Mr. Canprron’s en (214), viz. Liberating Primer = the Young Heir’s Birthday. oy eir looks some- ed, and but for the presence "t ather would ones | feel inc ed to nye et his ow#t presents to th: at rascally red-nose Bardolph who kneels before him. ‘The ingredients of tenderness, humour, beauty, cag grotesque. waaes are mixed together in this CaLDERON e me hope this ae never let his brush lie ‘idle—in short that CatpERon - a boiling. . Wuatts exhibits 4 Leaf from t Book g Nature, which is a modest title, considering the amount of foliage depicted in this land- It is as full of truth as of beauty, and the moss-covered boulders are as bar ity as Nature herself could /ichen them. “Tf Mr. Hunt has chosen a “owe ag theme this year, it only shows his capability for Promy - all subjects with equal skill. ‘There is much to in his Street Scene in Coe (231), and many will consider that his lantern ar exhibits his powers ¢ a new light. = oe geo King, Pal) by Mr. Hueues might bear a double interpre- tation, pid 8 = whether the raper” s fair customer is deterred Pam or inveigled into her purchase by “ruinous prices,’ and whether the poor girl in black is concluding a bargain, or being under- paid for her needlework. In either case the moral is a good one, and I advise ps S908 | nog tend to look to it. been said in praise of Mx. Faxn’s work (247) that I ay well be po from pausing to describe it. Such subjects never if to rouse an me sagt se in all English hearts, and there was no need to introduce a minute glass, or let that. smouldering candle burn so low to peat a moral in the ‘ last scene of all that ends this strange eventful tory.’ That famous carpet, which in the Arabian Nights transports its: owner w x he pleases, is scarcely more we than Mr. ee canvas (966) whieh, under the influ ence of his magic touch, the mio acre | nt oy slippered me yy who, sti a ne ~ - 4 blue or yard-wan in hand, pre- sides over his graceful solemnity which more credit than he is likely to give his customers. Not having yet made much ame E am doubtful whether the name Hil Khan a. but that his e// cane can ‘ gamias’ in Cairo are aware nd the reach of thi regular Turk.’ “ T admire Mn. Keyu’s very clever and truthful little picture, Winter sg = cone I Lye ower toe a ire to some subject of a next year. To ‘ ewcastle’ is proverbially ha 0 te heaieny it seems a Ei an mine of such ability should send duty to call your attention to a pun Committee, — not content cig ee Mazapows Cornfeld (307), hung that | eg y close to ExT eIe ss (i 8) Wg to ier Sg ie bing pan by Erwoop; in that simple: unaffected style which he ea ee oom “No. 343 is a noble portrait of Miss Atice Prinsep, who must indeed be ‘facile princeps’ as a reigning belle, if one ma "judge from this painting. I say it im all sincerity, for Mr. . Warts i is the artist, and is work may tend to prove after all ‘ ’s in a name.’ No. 381 represents a Franciscan sculptor chi ping away at a huge goyle, while, a jolly old toper ‘of the period’ crouches — a stone ttle (doubtless yp 8 ed with his favourite beve , as & model. However much flow through the es cuat evident that mentees little wa wee x ba paneed = les of the. e oleh The sculptor seems a jovial: sort wy fallow and, judging from the vigess us blows with which he sends his chisel on the stone, he is es v to be accused of ‘ Se it too Story '(493) i “Mr. LEsLin’s of the Antiquarian’s fory (a is only equalled in pol. E marian himself, who, leaning on the back of his chair with a volume in his hand, persists in ’ boring a young lady, who it sages isin love with his absent son, and is come to hear what she can o “ Fancy what a sitmatiom!—to be let in, for, perhaps, a dissertation on the pointed archat the moment when ind: her mind in visions of a domestic circle; to hear of the exploits of the Black Prince instead of the latest news from her own verdant hero. Ah! she — rather be reading @ note of his than in possession of the original cop of Magna Charta. Theold gentleman may as well shut up his book TM once for he will surely get nothing but black looks in return for his * black letter.’ “ Ars est celare artem (as 1 used to inscribe in my school copy-book) and there are some works of genius for which all criticism seems re- dundant. They say Mx. Fscurmr’s performances are so true to nature that his audience forgets he is acting; and when I come to Mr. M‘Catium’s landseape (456) the last ‘tia I think 6f is paint. a are ingenious representations in oil colour spread over canvas strained within idframes. But here all thought of gilt mouldi pigments, and gesso vanish at once, and I am looking right oe h the Academy wallsanto Burnham Wood on a May Morning. It is no q chy but the place itself. Sure never was seem more wondrous truth than in the chadoaa which fall across the foreground from that ancient _— The young fresh sward is stretched before you. Those were last year’ leaves which erackled under foot. The lambs come pr io own the slope ; you can almost think you sniff the pure country breeze—and if that is not illusion in Trafalgar Square, my name is not “Jack Easxt.” BEAUX-WOWS! At Legps there has been a go Dog-Show, all in honour of the Dog-days, we suppose? A young lad y says that she wishes there was a Pupp -Show,* for she cpl pe her ho she is positive would win the ring, for ‘or she looks me ny og the centechintiiey in the worl are not so sure of this “oumselven. At such a awe tition, the entries would naturally be extremely nume and'we do not t there is a circle of ng ladies in England who has not a favourite puppy of their own, thns erga be es ye to back with the greatest confidence to any amonnt. hink some such exhibition would be extremely popular, as al fn useful. It should be open to puppies of all nations, and the prizes would be well worth having, if S| pup ¥, pe allowed to enter himself at his own ~ mation. Woul ady patronesses at Almack’s mind talking it under their J hm ge care oy f they smiled om the scheme, it would be sure to succeed. There is plenty of time to organise it well before the Exhibition next year. DRAMATIC MARTYRDOM. AccoRDING to a notice in the Times of the the Whittington Clubhouse the other the primitice Christians was represented. on the stage. Fadiola is a play ounded on the = Zs same nae, — by Carpinat WisEMAN, whose dramatic Emin —— representation of it in its dramatised form. The exh ition a mare on the stage is a stroke of theatrical effect characteristic of the red-stocking school, though a scenic execution would probably be vig rw by a Surrey or Victoria audience. The Ultramontane and the Transpontine drama exhibit a mutual affinity. However, we seed not perhaps object to the perform- ance of Christian martyrdom, or else we shall be accused by our esthetic friends of a want of Catholic taste. 4; Good Beginning. tees Top, wh known eee all rnyping ah Baron 0 Ww 4 is 8 would 7 roto puke ee eould only be SS to the resignation of all

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ———— THE GUARDS’ MONUMENT, AS IT IS, AND AS IT SHOULD BE. Britann1 is a liberal mistress to all who serve her—she is liberal in money, liberal in gratitude, liberal in honour—or at least, if she isn’t it is not her fault. If her pay might be better, it isn’t Britannia who is to blame, but her stewards, bailiffs, and foremen, who manage the wages department. If her gratitude is sometimes grudging, it isn’t Britannia who grudges it, but the clumsy or pampered menials whom she is obliged often to send out with meisages.and on errands [JuLy 27, 1861. |to those who press their claims at her door. If the tributes of | honour she bestows are too often ludicrous, petty, and disappointing | to the people they are meant for, it is the fault of the contractors | she employs to engage architects and sculptors, and not the old lady’s, better workmen, if she knew how and where to who would prefer find them. Unluckily, she wasn’t brought up with special regard to accomplish- ments, and it must be confessed, if her contractors’ and master-builders’ taste be often at fault, her own would not be much better were she left to herself. But the old lady means well. It isn’t always the sculptor’s fault either, when the last new statue turns out a failure. Ten to one he has been crippled in means, or over-ruled in his design, or otherwise hindered in the development of his idea. But even if the statue be unobjectionable, BritanniA is pretty sure to hear of some blunder in the inscription, which is always safe to sin either in bathos, bad grammar, brag, or balderdash. Take the last monument, but one, erected out of Brirannia’s | coppers—the Guards’ Memorial in Waterloo Place. It isn’t what it | should be in all points of design, less, however, by Mr. Bett’s — than that of the Committee which commissioned and over-ruled 2m. But the worst faults of the monument are not those of taste at all. However good its sculpture, the monument is a standing lie—as great a lie as the Monument. If that column— ** Like a tall bully lifts his head and lies,” on Fish Street Hill, the- Guards’ Memorial lifts its tall head and lies in | | Waterloo Place. The lie is not Mr. Bet1’s, who was told to celebrate | | death in victory, and has done it, by his figure of Honour crowning the | | brave trio—Fusiliers, Grenadiers, and Coldstreams—with laurel-wreaths. | | The inscription, answers to and justifies Mr. Betu’s design; but it is | precisely in the inscription that the lie is to be found. Thus it runs,— ** ALMA, INKERMAN, SEBASTOPOL. TO THE MEMORY OF 2162 OFFICERS AND MEN OF THE BRIGADE OF GUARDS, WHO FELL DURING THE WAR WITH RUSSIA, 1854—1855—1856.” | | Fell, ¢. e. died in battle or of their wounds—died a soldier’s death at the hands of the enemy. But what enemy? Do those who penned | the inscription mean the Russians? By the list of battles it would | seem so. But was Russia the enemy, were Alma, Inkerman, and Sebastopol | the battles in which 2162 officers and privates of the Guards fell in those years? Let us see the official returns. They tell us that the | total number of the Guards’ Brigade killed in the Crimea was— At Alma At Inkerman Before Sebastopol ; : ‘ ‘ . : . And that the total number who died of their wounds was Making, in all, those who died in battle or of wounds . 449 What becomes, then, of the remaining 1713? Alas! they fe// too, but | | in the combat with very different enemies. Their enemies were— FEVER, DYSENTERY, AND CHOLERA! | Who slew by the first 376, the second 256, and the third (with Diarrhea) | | 889—making the slain in these battles 1471, and leaving 242 for the skirmishes with such formidable light troops as Frost-bite, Scurvy, and their train. These are enemies who are occasionally let loose against us at home ; | but in the Crimea they were officered, and manceuvred, by traitors from | our own camp—General Mismanagement, and General Routine. It was these old villains who misdirected the stores, and — the transport, | and prevented the roads from being made, and shipped the hospital stores under the shot and shell, and ran riot in the utari hospitals, and made the field hospitals scenes of misery and stench and starvation and putrefaction, and sent out boys’ boots and socks and flannels for big men to wear, and served out green coffee with no mills to grind, and no | fuel to roast it; and were at the bottom of a great many other of | those master-strokes of mischief, which set BrrraNN1a asking whom she should hang, and left her very indignant she couldn’t find the exact neck for the noose. : No; the Guards’ Monument is a mistake—to use the mildest term. The figures and the inscription should both be altered without delay. For Mn. Bex1’s allegorical figure of Honour, with her arms full of laurel-wreaths, place on the apex of the on ap a statue of FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE, with a bandage in one hand, and a basin of broth in

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Juty 27, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 41 the other. Group three sick Guardsmen below her, and for “ Alma, Inkerman, Sebastopol,”’ inscribe— “ FEVER, DYSENTERY, CHOLERA.” _ And then the Guards’ Memorial will speak the truth —for its inscription will commemorate the most deadly battles the English soldier in the Crimea had to fight, and its figures will represent his best aids when he conquered, or his best sources of comfort, when he fe//. ” What +s the use of trying to get Forty Winks after Dinner in July? Here’s this Old Gentleman, who has Purchased every Fly Exterminator advertised, has Beat himself Black and Blue in less than ten minutes. TESTIMONIAL TO THE SWAN OF SOUTHAMPTON.’ On Wednesday last week the statue of Dr. Warts, which has been erected in the West new Public Park at Southampton, was inaugurated, the officiating augurs being ministers of divers Aeaceninations and the Minister of Public Worship (without a portfolio), the Kant or Suarrxs- Bury. As Stratford-on-Avon boasts of the divine Wui.ulaMs, so Southampton is proud of the divine Warts. The inauguration of Dr. Warts’s statue took place in a tent or tabernacle, screening it from the popular gaze, to which, however, it had been ex | day before, on the evening whereof the ingenious artist who made it was seen mounted, in true workmanlike style and costume, on a ladder, which, elevated above the spectators, rested against Dr. Warts’s peruke, and giving, with mallet and chisel, the finishing touch to the Doctor’s shoulders. At an early hour of morning the church bells were rung, and flags were hoisted on many of the shops and other principal buildings of Seamer. as they always are when anything at all unusual is going on there. About two o’clock a procession, consisting of the persons engaged to be actors in the supronching ceremony, and many stipernumeraries, marched from the Audit House up the High Street to The Heavens are Telling, from Haxpy’s Creation, reduced to a psalm-tune, played by the Band of the 2nd Hants Volunteer Rifles, with the introduction, appa- rently, of a effect from the British Grenadier. It was remarked, that the oes Bend pubes paeeaeustoed their a, me e air in the ion most aj ria e occasion would obvious have been Zhe Marvellous Work. 4 € procession was headed by the Rifle Band, performing, as afore- said, a psalmodic march, then came the Sappers and Miners, and Ordnance Map-oflice clerks, followed by two senile mace- rs, bear- ing huge maces, and another old beadle between them, carrying a silver oar, and preceding the Hart or SuarrEesBury with the Corporation at his heels, the Mayor on one side of an, the Rev. Tuomas ADKINS on the other. er the corporate officials walked the Ministers of Religion, mostly dissenting ; and the Sunday-school teachers brought up the rear, which terminated in a miscellaneous tail, hard pushed by a crush of market-carts. The inauguration of the statue was preceded by one of Dr. Warts’s hymns, and performed by Lory Suarrespury in te’ pooner te uncover the statue, which was i divested of the sheet it had been wra in, and stood disclosed. hereupon the people shouted, and cried “ Hooray!” : Another ~~ was then sung, and devotions followed. Discourses suitable to the ceremony were thereupon delivered by the Revs. the Eant or Suartespuny and Tuomas Apxins, After their eloquence came the Hallelujah of Hawpet, and then an édition de luce of Watts’s Psalms and was presented to the Rev. and noble Earl. The Hundredth Pialm succeeded, and like the statue, was regarded as a pat success. After that the Rev. Tuomas ApkiNs pronounced the nediction in right reverend fashion, like a Bishop, the ceremonial concluded with God save the Queen. ; | At five o’clock Lonp Suarressury dined with the Mayor, and at | seven his Worship fhe Mayor presided at a soirée which took place at | the Victoria Rooms. In the mean time the Ragged School children were hospitably entertained on his Worship’s lawn, and by way of | addition to their entertainment, were addressed by the Kar or SHArrEs- | BURY, and severally presented with a copy of Dx. Warrs’s Divine Songs Sor Children, out of which we trust they will learn something more edifying, if not more entertaining, than Old Bob Ridley. inner, speech, and presentation, were thus all ee in two hours, which was quick work for an Karl with a Mayor for his host, and affords, to all Mayors and noblemen, an example which few of them will imitate. _ The business, or pleasure, of the soirée isted in speeches, recita- tions, and the singing of psalms, to which were added the means of ily refreshment for those who might choose to pay for them. Owing ings abundantly provided in the ecard-room (where there were of course no cafds) by Mr. Fisk, mace a consumption im value amounting to father more than e pounds. The statue of Dr. Warts is a work of the Comie 6rder. That is to this optional arrangement the good thin chiefly by reason of its fidelity, for he was little man with a big head and aquiline nose, and as such is in the costume of his period, wearing a long gown and a wig. He stands with the right hand upraised, as in the act of p , and with the left foot jadvanced, apparently not putting the best foot forward; but this, no | doubt, was oS natural attitude. The posture is one which, if it were | not that of Dr. Warts, we might call somewhat groggy. The Doctor’s fi is exeeuted in white Sicilian marble; and,in the three basso- relievos of the same material, on three sides of the shaft of the pedestal, he is portrayed, on a smaller scale, in as many different positions. - In the front one he appears surrounded by children with | hands, and his visage is remarkable for a decided squint, which he perhaps acquired late in life. In that facing the east, Dr. Warts sits musing in his study, amid mathematical and astronomical instruments, resting a foot upon a stool, and scratching his chin; whilst the qeeate side exhibits him seated in the rapture of poetical inspiration, as probably appeared in composing “ Why should I my my neighbour?” _ _ Bearing in mind the obligation which that question suggests, iet us give the sculptor, Mr. Lucas of Chilworth, the credit, which is his | due, of having made a statue which, necessarily droll, is yet as orna- }mental as the case admits of, and is really a much better work of art a, any monument which has been since many a day ereeted in ondon. A Morning’s Reflection. BY A VERY YOUNG GENTLEMAN WHO HAD BEEN “‘ MAKING A NIGHT OF IT.” Tus truth I’ve learned, alas! a day too late, That dissipation makes a dizzy pate. IL Y A DE QUOI. _ THe papers say that the Princesse Crotipr met at Lisbon with “every mark of respect and sympathy” from the inhabitants. “Sym- pathy,” for what? Was it for having married Prince NapoLEon ? A HOLIDAY TASK POR SLOW COACHES. We doubt if the slowest of slow coaches would ever be able to arrive at any satisfactory conclusion as to whether the Galway Steam Packet ion any hae made jess way in the public estimation with its Lzver or i crew f

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[Jory 27, 186}. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. \\ a MN) ——_—_J ‘tu i uit THE GORILLAS OF THE PRESS. We wonder how many of the readers of the Croydon Chronicle felt | that tingling in their toes which unfailingly betokens a propensity to kick, when they came across the following impertinent remarks which a short time since appeared in that influential paper :— “* It is said that Pryce ALrrep will travel through Canada by the same route his brother travelled last year. But that Prisce ALFRED is a ‘jolly good fellow,’ not at all of an envious disposition, how bitterly would he feel the difference of reception | over the game course. But, if my information be correct, PRINCE ALFRED is not the lad to grizzle and fret his fiddle-strings with envy and chagrin. Rather is he the lad to ‘give his governor the slip,’ as he would express it, and enjoy himself.” | Of course we need not say that these are the opinions of “ our London Correspondent.” . No other newswriter would pretend to such an intimate acquaintance with Prince ALFRED as to describe his tastes and feelings with this familiar freedom. Other penmen, let us hope, if they possessed such knowledge, would keep it to themselves, and would know better than to blurt it into public print. At any tate, supposing that the sentiments of Royalty were thought fit to be divulged, the disclosure would be made without offensive flippancy, and such assumed | familiarity as can but breed contempt. Having shown his intimate acquaintance with Prince ALFRED by chronicling a sample of the slang he talks, the writer next proceeds to | dab his pen into the Prince or Waxes, doing it of course in the offhand jaunty manner peculiar to his craft :— “* By the way, his elder brother, heir to the most brilliant throne of ancient or modern times, also roqures a little looking after. Not that he is one whit worse than most young gentlemen of his age—nay, he is more steady; but you know a Prince ought to be so extremely proper, and so excruciatingly correct. He ought not to smoke cigars, but he does: nay, infinitely worse than this, he ought not to ive the slightest encouragement to . vain aspirations of any young lady subject. A HINT TO ARCHITECTS OF THE PRESENT DAY. | written him a note. } a, © not say that he does, but once upon a time, a little bird tells me | he did. PROTESTANT SPOONER ON PAINTING. Mr. Spooner has earned considerable reputation as a zealous Protestant, but the other night, in Committee of Supply, he exceeded himself, and Mr. Newpgcate too, in that capacity. Or rather he came out in quite a new Protestant character. He protested against the vote of £2,000 for the National Portrait Gallery, on the | ground that too much money was spent upon pictures and the promotion of art, and that the trustees of the Portrait Gallery did not care what was the moral cha- |racter of the persons whose portraits they admitted. | He likewise urged that they cared not how bad a pic- | ture was “so long as it was a portrait of somebody noto- | | rious in our history.” This objection is a strange one to | proceed from the mouth of a gentleman, who, on moving that the vote in question be disallowed, is represented as | having said that— | “*He did not propose to divide the Committee on the motion, but only to protest against the continuance of such tom-foolery.” What Mr. Spooner calls tom-foolery is the national expenditure of money upon pictures and the promotion |of art. His estimate of the value of art appears to be incompatible with the ability to distinguish a good pic- ture from a bad one. The good moral character of a | person is considered by Mr. SpoonER as a necessary condition for the: admittance of his likeness into a portrait gallery. Esteeming right morality to be based upon true religion, Mr. Spooner would perhaps limit | the exhibition of historical portraits to those of sound | protestant personages. Heretofore, protestants have heen content with loom rg against pictures regarded as objects of worship, but in Spooner goes farther, | and protests against them as objects of acquisition at lthe cost of a little money. This extremely ultra-pro- | testantism, is very like the doctrine of Islam, which | prohibits pictorial likenesses altogether. The religion of Spooner is very like that of Manomer, and it is much to be feared that, as to his opinions about art at least, the honourable gentleman has turned Turk. Yankee-Liners and Penny-a-Liners. WE receive such extraordinary bombastic statements from America, respecting the Civil War, that we think a new line of steamers ought to be specially appointed | to bring them over. Instead of Cunarp’s, why not | | establish for the occasion a fast-going line of Canards 7 } Here the writer tells a story—that is to say, a lie—about what he calls a “ grand Terpsichorean festival,” whereat tke Prince was smitten | with a “beautiful young lady,” who was afterwards discovered to have | i And it is with stupid and offensive lies like this | certain “‘ London Correspondents” fill their weekly sheets. Really, asa | loyal subject one feels inclined to ask, is there no ‘protection from these | literary Gorillas who, when hard up for club scan al, make attack upon | our Princes, and scarcely hold their hands from an attack upon the | throne. To put it in the mildest way, the fellows who poke their noses into places where they have no business deserve to have them tweaked. | Un Nom de Guerre ? Prince Napo.eon is one of the distinguished members of the Bonaparte family. But if he is a Bonaparte, might we not respect- fully inquire : “4 Quoi Bon?” From his constant habits of travelling, and of always discreetly getting out of the way, when there was any danger, we think we might venture to say that he was only Bon-a- partir ! LIGHT, CHEERFUL, COMPLIMENTARY, AND LITERARY ! At the review of the Curragh, the other day, there were _a large number of Irish beauties present, which interesting fact led H.R. H. to exclaim, with that happiness and gallantry for which his family has Jong been distinguished that he was delighted to find the race of CurRER BeEtix(s) was far from extinct ! Merery a GeocrapuicaL Mistaxe.—Evidently, Mr. Cowrer mistakes Kensington Gardens for Yorkshire,—he is so very anxious to divide it into two Ridings. Printed by William Brad , of Printers, at Office Sarunpar, 27,1861, . k Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park, both in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County a in the Parish of St. Bride, in the City

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we = Cee ee eet eee eS oar rTr Aveust 3, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 43 /; / Ww NS ) YY Uj WU UL, DLL hh hd iy Mf, “ULM 4L//; Y yg) bi EITM MA AMS; / (ag iy VA LL; ZZ Vy Wp BRITISH AND FOREIGN BENEVOLENCE. A MeeEtIne was lately held at the Mansion House to set afoot—or inau- gurate as we say in Snobbish—a Hos- pital for Incurables. Should the Pops, | or the Ex-Kine or Naprtes, or the | Ex-Duxe or Mopena, or any other of the ex-princes and ex-plagues of Italy be forced to seek refuge in | England, it is to be hoped that the | doors of this charitable institution will | be open to them ; unless, inasmuch as their incurability is mental, the bene- volent, disposed to befriend them should think fit, in wy nae to send them, along with their fellow-sufferer Lorp oe gg to ooo more appropriate asylum, situa’ very convenient for them all, hard by the erg Catholic Chapel in St. George’s ields. OUT LA BUN ie LZ “A la Porte.” Tue present SuLtan promises to be every bit as extravagant as his predecessor, for we notice with indig- nation that scarcely three weeks have gone over his head, since his access to wer, and he has already appeared fore the public with not less than three new Hatts!! The Doctor has been Sounding the Gentleman's Chest in the present Approved Fashion ; i.e., without giving him previous notice. IRASCIBLE Patient. “ Does it Hurt Me ?—Does that Hurt You?” Some persons reach their fourscore years and ten, without rsp | the smallest idea of es convenances. People have been known to eat peas with their knife at ninety. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. JuLy 22, Monday. Our old friend Normansy resolved _on an heroic effort in favour of Ais friend the Ex-DukE or MopeNna. He moved for some papers in order to give himself the opportunity of delivering a very long cackle, which be supposed to be a speech, and in which he abused Mr. Giapston for having proved the ex-Duke to be a tyrant. He read divers letters, and when he had to read his own compositions, he gave them out with flaps of his wings, and plenty of sound, but Mr. GLaDsTONE’s replies he mumbled over so that they could hardly be heard. So Lorp Brovenam told him, laughingly, when Lorp GRan- vitie had done crying “‘ Shush, shush,” and driving the old goose out of the position he had taken up. The whole affair would have suited Michaelmas better than July. RD Esury made a speech in favour of a revision of the Prayer-book, the Bisnor or Lonpon told him that no general revision would be tolerated, and Lorp WesTMEATH com- plamed that the Church-service is terribly long. One has heard the same complaint from ladies, who have piteously declared that two hours in church is “a Jong time,” but who have on the previous Saturday night sat out five hours of the opera, and stood another half-hour wait- ing for the carriage. Once more we had Mr. Lever’s case. Now considering that he came into Parliament “a Liberal, but Peseed to support any Govern- ment that promotes the maintenance of Galway as a packet station” (vide Captain Dop), this Irishman is scarcely a person in whom a House of Commons can take any violent interest. However, Members bore with a m= 4 ech in which he contradicted the charges made inst him b ! Inwin, and then walked out of the House. The ouse decided on not being further bothered with the squabbles of the sooeete é b two Irishmen, and p d further to consider the Lords’ amend- ments to the Bankruptcy Bill. Having declared their own views, they requested the lawyers to draw up reasons for such views. Then came a smart debate on the British Museum, and Mr. Grecory made an onslaught upon Proressor Owen, for advocating a separate asylum for: Natural History. Mr. Layarp complained of the want of classification of objects, and, as he is to be a Minister again, Mr. Punch is glad to observe that the Member for Nineveh’s organs of order are so y develo _Mr. Monckton Mutnzs also condemned the of “ congestion” in which the Museum exists. Pre.mes thought that nothing but ‘‘ pessimist”? opinions had been advanced, but owned that the subject demanded consideration. He bore tribute to the splendid genius of Owen, which ought, PeExmes thought, to have saved him from such an attack as Mr. Grecory’s. During the recess Government will think over the business, and talk to the Trustees. Tuesday. The Irremoveable Poor Bill, the object of which is to make the rates uniform in all the parishes of a union, and to make a three years’ residence by a poor man effectual to constitute a “settlement,” stead of making five years necessary, as now, was debated in the Lords, and carried, on Second Reading, by a majority of 9. Lorp Mayor Cvusirrt resigned his seat for Andover, in order to stand for the City of London. Lorp Joun Russet appeared in the House of Commons for the last time. He was asked three questions, of no great importance, and his last utterance in the capacity of an M.P. was to state that he had read in a foreign newspaper (he can read foreign lan es) that certain English gentlemen who had visited the works of the Suez Canal had been. satisfied. But whether they had been satisfied that the thing could not be done, or with the bitter beer at the various halts of the omnibus that runs from Cairo to Suez, Lorp JonN did not say. Soon afterwards he shook hands with a few friends, including some of the Opposition, and with the Speaker, to whom he probably said that if the latter were good, they should meet A. in an upper sphere (though we mean to have plenty of work out of Mr. Denison before we let him run to coronet) and then, ezi¢ Lorp Joun RusseE.t, soon to be Eart Russet. In the morning he had taken leave of the City, and expressed his hope that he should yet be able to do the State service. Wednesday. The religious character of the day was marked by a little Church Rate debate, and the subject was shut up for the Bessio everybody promising everybody else that they would have a jolly fight — next year. Secular matters to-day were not interesting, but on the Lace Factories Bill a good spirit was shown, and something was done for the further protection of women and children against overtime. And a new writ was moved for London. Thursday. The Lords had some more of India, and then went at the University Elections Bill, that for voting by post. The Bisnor or Lonpon did not like it, and thought that at the last minute, when an election was all but settled, some rural Dean from the wilds of Cum- berland would come with a couple of hundred votes in his pocket, and VOL. XLI,

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44 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 3, 1861.

ot oversthing. This wild Dean may be a clerical Gorilla, but Mr. | Punch, with all respect for the Bishop, cannot understand why all facili- ties should not be given to voters, even if they are unhappy enough to live by the Cumberland lakes instead of by the Serpentine, Isis, or Cam. The Bill prevailed, and was passed later in the wee as there is no doubt that the measure is an innovation, the next University Election will be in the nature of an experiment. We dare say that the act will be very acceptable to many a Mrs. Parson, whose husband will be able to hand her the £10 his journey would have cost, and thereby ameliorate - nether garments of Tommy, Harry, Sammy, Iowarrus, and little ‘OLYCARP. There was a Military debate, and then an Indian debate down-stairs, and then in Supply Mn. OsporneE fired away at the frescoes in the New Houses, and declared that they were very ugly, and also were qoming to pieces. gE me both — _ ions. Six GEORGE 30WYER was very y- was angry panel preserva- - < the fact ~_ ~*~ -_ a eg been ores) a Roundhead, use he, Srr,G. was a Cavalier and a Loyali he was also that there is a picture of the slaughter of Davin Razzio, because he did not think that operation was ble to any- concerned. But if our national records are to contaim nothing but illustratious of virtue, history had better be re-written. Except the Establishment of Pach, where has there been a and unsullied historical action? There was a mueli less respectable cavil raised upon the item for paying the cost of Lorp BrovcHam’s zeta out of public money. This objection was not creditable fo e — that urged it, and was signally defeated, the House that t tribute to the Old Sch aster was a Ww! one. e House was Counted Out, about three in the morning, and about time too. Friday. Mr. Punch thought there would be a row. It was stated that ApmrraL aur Mo to a mee Lorp wey The eternal GRANTLEY no time m petitioning against le being to his brother. Granvit1E answered Grantizy that there be no such Grant. It is said that Sm: Maurice is to be called Frrznarpinesr, which is well, because the name will be very pleasant to G. B. and because it is right to preserve a title that has beem borne by virtue and so forth. ’ Lorp Dersy evidently does not like bang a in some, though at there were

what he stops for, nobody knows. He said t Bills to a Seanteiion. But as he has not got to pass them, why yes he not finish packing, and go? GRANVILLE thought that the Lords might stop in Town and attend to legislation; and this HarpWIcKE thought very hard, as other folks were going away. Lorp Portman, for once, came out with a sensible remark, and said that it was the excess of talking in the other House that caused delays, and that the Lords should teach the Commons how to get through work without chatter. ‘Then did Lonp Westavury make fight for his child, the Bankruptcy Bill, and try to get the Lords to accept the Commons’ judgment on the amendments. His Lordship certainly used apostolical 1 of speech, and gave his audience to understand that he did not think they comprehended much about the question. He wished he could have had half an hour’s quiet talk with Lorp Dexsr, and would have “laid his life” he would have converted that Earl. A more earnest effort for a scheme could not have been made, but it was not fated to be successful. CranwortH, and CHELMSFORD, Wenstzyparz (“I could not hear a word of what Ae said,” remarked the Chancellor) all set them caeet the Commons, and in the end the pened amendment, that which floors the Judge, was adhered to by 80 to 46. On other points me he mar Punt goes to Tseland Secretary it pat 1m: Rosert Peet goes to Ireland as — ‘ur que patrem ga @quis—the last word meanin: steady,” pro hae vice, Wiscaint ; the last quotation meaning on this occasion only, and by ular desire of a person of distinction, the last phrase meaning H/r. h. A good deal of money was voted, Lonp Patmenrston declared that France was building a great many iron ships, and that other nations were imitating her, and after some smart 4 DrsRaELi urged that we ought not to say that we were building ships in defiance, or out of suspicion of France, but that inasmuch as a new era in ship- ildi come, it was necessary for all nations to bring their navies up to the new mark. We should not be insulting. This + sug- gestion made Wuarre baw] out that the Tories clearly to come into office soon, and were trying to make things pleasant. To this war Aa fr ef made. Ministers are shifting a little uneasily, but the Constable keep all steady for the present.

A Fiat Contradiction. Tue Fra, which is largely benefitted by the advertisements of poor actors and actresses tuations, tries to be “severe” upon the Fete for the benefit of the Dramatic College, and professes to be most anxious for “the res and advancement of the Drama and its exponents.” How can that be when the fra considers 1rseL? “ the best theatrical organ !’’—Funny, is it not ?

A POET CLOSE TO THE PREMTER. Great Patmerston, I’m glad to see that, though To clamour you gave up the first Horse-Ride In Kensington Gardens, now you have the foe By making another in a different part of them, defied. Such noble daring shows a firm determination Not to be put down by Rabble agitation. A s : pear and brutal Seton : ‘o place their unwashed selves in it opposition To a great public improvement of the Minister's They may go and be devoted to perdition! No, no, stand firm and offer an invincible resistance To the efforts of these uncirenmspect Philistines. Methinks a Deputation I now see, A Pesse of ¢ blackguards waiting on you, Illustrious Pazaserston, beseeching thee Whore ihe Nobili ‘and ot oe t quiet ‘here t y and gentry roam at quiet paces, Displaying a galaxy of lovely tana. Rapt im the vision of an inspired Bard, I see = send them to the right about Giving the hindmost raseal a kick so That, you prostrate them altogether in a rout, By which means taken unawares, They all tumble down-stairs ! Oh, noble Patmerston, you have now restored Vhat ride, that is another for the same. So has a host of envious malicious miscreants poured Their venom on an eminent Poet’s fame Which now I hope, defying that rebel crew, Youll give your humble servant back his pension toa,

THE HOUSE OF COMMONS ON ART. Norwirustanpineé the proverb De Gustibus, the House of Commons | has of late very frequently engaged itself in debates on the subject of Art. As the Houses of Parliament are to be adorned with statues if possible, and disfigured with statues if not, and whereas it is inexpe- dient that these Houses should be disfigured by the statues wherewith they are at any rate to be furnished, and further whereas the disfigure- ment of the said Houses is extremely likely to be caused by any statue which they may order to be made, therefore perhaps Mr. Cowrzr, in his capacity of First Commissioner of Works, will cause every such statue to be brought before the House of Commons, and will move that the House do go into Committee thereon with a view to pass the statue, as it were, into a statute, before allowing it to stand on a parliamentary basis, or pedestal. Tf this plan were adopted, ang Honoen Member could, in case he thought proper, move an amendment on the statue’s nose, or any other feature, or part, of its face or body, which he might deem objectionable or capable of being improved. The amendment if carried, might be executed, either by the artist who produced the statue, or by some other conicond as executioner by the House. The various amendments proposed by the Members of the House on the members and lineaments of the pe marng bere adopted, or having fallen to the ground, the mestion might then be put “That this statue do now pass,” and then should it, after having undergone the corrections and aharetions of divers Honourable Gentlemen, present, as it might, an unsatisfactory appearance, the. statue might, after be rejec As the sculptor hited to make it would have to be paid for ths work, the rejection of statues would be throwing a little money away, but nobody could object to that, except Mr. Wi1t1ams. A statue with the merits of which the House felt itself unable to deal, or could not agree about them, might always be referred to a Select Committee, like the business of the nation. In the mean time, all mamner of idle and impertinent questions might be asked of the Government on the subject of statues and works of art in general, by Irish Members of the Brazen Band, and other bores individually per- verse or crazy, or desirous of obstructing wise legislation. One could rise to move for the production of any correspondence which may have assed between Her Mazzsty’s Mimisters and the French and Italian overnments touching the Zaocéon. Another might leave, in the absence of the noble Lord, the Secretary for Foreign Affairs, now in another place, to ask the noble Viscount the First Lord of the Treasury, whether the Cabinet, in its communications with any Foreign Power, had deemed it necessary to advert to the attitude of the Dying Gladiator. Honourable Gentlemen would thus highly increase the merriment, and add somewhat to the utility, of those discussions which, on Friday night, are their delight, in the m of the year.

ft oft a, ok. a hee Loe ee oO,

BSP See wee eotoo oe a @ chiedet mo “S53 Ee

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Avevsr 3, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 45 played was tig nt rope, other marv \ \ stilts and sabots in our eagerness to see them, we ost i feats that he would break his neck. we now see it announced that it “will not be repeated,” whereas of M. THE PERFORMER AND THE PUBLIC. celebrated Mon-/ former show would doubtless have in HE STEUR Btonprv has | repeated; for we can’t think M. Bronprn brave as he may been. ee a|be, can have any actual liking for endangering his neck. yeaneat of PaGanini. | It is said that if he slips he is quite able to save himself, e has been playing aj and that the Falls piece of music on a/hi i single string. The sin- | feel by his long practice of his art, against a moment’s gid- gle string on which he i violin string. formance was more | the tight ro wondrous than any we | industry and co have eee, and | hi TO) there is nothing new | the risk of losing life? im if, almost every minute for up | a he Boe us LONDON LEFT A LONG WAY BEHIND: novelty to wonder at.| Sowrmamprow has erected a statue to.the memory of Among a_ hundred cuted. summersaults on | sopher.” most extrao “Feats with the Pole,” which so surprisingly excited our acrobatic animus, that Kings ! In the course of his speech, the noble Lord said : i : j over the barriers, and performed some | “'The erection o' i aS : - enene, Sa yeimasnes Bae for - Certainly, the. = ge this extra pleasure it took a heigh only six from the ground, | beaut i are, as “w ” Fae quit in cumioxt,, and withent feeling a fear | “idle ; ” and like all idle people, they are od Somewhat to our surprise, seeing that we saw the success of bd ge | with to take place. as many thousands flocked to see him on the low rope as to see him on the high one, the reference n of Niagara are the only falls with which uis name will ever be remembered. But safe as he ma diness no human brain ean guard, and who that sees can , however, a| doubt that moment would prove fatal? Still, while the and not aj public flock to see his perilous performances, it cannot S per-| much be wondered he continues to repeat them. To use as he does must take no small amount of Soe See : m our respect. who can his brother | who encourage suel neck- ing amusements, pon oa have said | performers by their patronage to seek to gain a living at Dr. Warts, whom the Eart.or Suarressury, in an elo- els, he exe-| quent s characterised as a “poet, priest, and philo- é e might look through the streets of London in im French | vain for a statue why eke ee Tog or priest, i seme | or philosopher. A foreigner, to walk Metropolis would imagine that we no great men generals and f monuments as mere works of art was idle.” ens that are sup to adorn our = the I persons. fact, e, | they are so extremely “ idle,” that in our opinion the sooner Buonpin’s | they are taken up, as vagrants, and locked up, the better ! way, and take up the room of better OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. “ Dear Pounce, ; “ By far the most important theatrical event that has occurred since my last letter was the Fancy Fair held at the ny pom Palace on Saturday the 20th, for the benefit of the funds of the Royal Dramatic College. After a week of showers, there was ‘an entire change in the eres ’ of the weather, and the sun was very liberal in ‘po own’ his golden beams, and so adding to the golden contributions the day. tipped the stalls with and gave an added tness to the smiles of their fair keepers, who had put on for the occasion their sunniest of looks. Besides your faithful ‘Onz wo Pays,’ there were present nearly fourteen thousand more who paid, and their pay- ments to the charity mounted, I am told, to above a thousand pounds. “ Of course everybody was there (that is, everybody who is re rm and among the notewor hy I noticed the attendance of some ultra-pious ee who had, I cou!d not Capen sought admission by mistake. rejoiced that curiosit ». »r some equally hoe d motive, had restrained them from departur’ «>. they_ascertaine e their error; for they enjoyed the opportuy *. now our players are zealous in good works, and have in ered ge of charity an ever open “You, who kno» »y eseily “apressionable nature, need not be told how 1 succumbed ‘« the «lierements of the stall-keepers, and fell an easy victim to the:r mercenary wiles. A single man, I bought all sorts of drawing-room ) ck» seker-o#, which no one but a husband would ever dream of purch» od | protest that even now I feel fatigued with the exertion of \\ip~.ne my band so often and so deeply in my pocket. It was quite @ on ‘bat & with my fate. 1 had no sooner saved my sille’ ‘rem \/:e Seylla of one stall, than my gold was swallowed up in the Charybdis of o— A oi P Cington evs © 0. guinea for sixpennyworth of pipe-lights, an at the bidtine of tw ee I paid a fivepound note for a doll that squinted forribly ‘es. Marwews made me buy a thirty shillin book-mark« ani © a proidered ay! braces, for neither of whi articles ‘ave L th 5. ¢hbest use. Amy Szpewicx tempted me to take a half crown pu a I shall wear next to my heart. to my dyias day. Mrs will not write her name for fear of the Excise~* «ly »ae ystuout a licence a most infamous cigar, for whieh she had tie sandesiy to c i ; while at Miss Oxrver’s purclias” —— oe I made myself ridiculous by i 'y-sumper, had to pay her half-a-sovereign to take of m7 at old ‘ Aunt Sally’ at such charitable rates as cost me a small fortune for each pipe of hers I smashed. After that, I gained admittance to the awful Tent of Mystery, whereof the secret wonders nothing short of threatened boiling shall force me to disclose : and, as a climax to my horror, I made my back hair stand on end by a sight at_dear old Rich- ardson’s (restored for this occasion only, as at Greenwich I remember it), where in the short space of ten minutes I saw a five-act including several love-scenes), a four-sword combat, and a ghost. ides these pleasures, Mr. Toote amused me with his Ww pra he has served as an apprentice to that art?), heard elivered a most wonderful acrostic—a kind of composition I had fan- cied long extinct. ait that it expressed some highly charitable sentiments, the poetry think, was scarcely worthy the occasion; and there seems especial reason to question the last triplet, which, as a curiosity of literature, I send you :— * Entreaty cannot fail in such a suit, Gratitude clamours, though my tongue be mute, Et olim meminisse his, beatus fuit.” “ Who it is that ‘fuit beatus’ I won’t pretend to guess; And in a like degree it really passes my conjecture that any one in any con- nected _ the stage can have ever been made happy by remembering a ‘ M4 r yy “Tn fine, I reached my chambers, somewhile after sunshine had given place to gas, laden with all sorts of most unbachelor-like articles, includmg baby shoes and sm -boti pincushions and hair-nets, py Cg goog A wey wo 7 as the Fancy Fair impoverished my my memory enriched with prea fete recollections of it ; the chief of which is the remembrance of the earnestness and zeal wherewith mnt pe players sacrificed their leisure, to aid the noble charity connected wi their name. Let Mawworms grow] their worst, people can’t be wholly bad who lend their hands so wien 2 help so a cause ; and as the Queen herself is a Patron of the College, it would be a disloyalty to doubt its real worth. *Onz wHo Pays.” A Hint to Victor-Emmanuel. Tux cradle of your house you’ve sold ; Will you sell ur homestead after ? “loom L pe 4 visit. and some shillings to the Post-Office, where — mor |» tors were awaiting me than I had room to pocket; and I shied Then ye lose all else you hold e ascents on the high opp: saciies dangerous dozen is forth- | | And be *mid all men’s laughter.

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et ri [Auveust 3, 1861. PUNCH, OR ''HE LONDON CHARIVARI. Ai rv a '} 33 : q gt > CAhiy eM we } +f |plQantaniiiting pusin ss Ui) t! ipoall / | = oo Sarcastic Peeler. “ GOING TO ’AVE A NEW ’ORSE THEN, Cabby?” Cabby. “NEw oss, OW D’ YE MEAN?” Sarcastic Peeler. “‘ Wuxy You ’vVE GOT THE FRAMEWORK TOGETHER ALREADY !’ (An old Story newly applied, apropos of a late | Debate in the’ House of Commons and a late | Communiqué in the Patrie. Once on a time, in Kilda’s isle, Where nature seldom deigns a smile To ripen aught that grows, Where heads of ke’. are precious things, And gooseberries deemed fruit for kings, And thistle stands for rose, An isleman stout, by dint of pains, And sore expense of coin and brains In sheltering and shielding, With stacks of peat and dry-stone walls, Contrived to rear, in spite of squalls, Some kail-seed up to yielding. Conceive his pride, amorg his neighbours, When the result of nine months’ labours Appeared as actual cabbage ! Conceive the strife of hope and patience, How in his profit-calculations He grew a bare-legged BaBBacer. Not Taytor o’er his tests and trials, Nor Farapay above his phials E’er hung with fonder care, Than did our isleman o’er those greens, As sheltered by their dry-stone screens They braved the northern air. BOCK AGAIN! He worked by day, he worked by night, His bound’ry walls were tall and tight, His wicket locked and barred ; But, as he knew how strong the lure, ‘To make assurance doubly sure, He armed for watch and ward— He sat and slept and took his meals, With a big bull-dog at his heels, A blunderbuss in hand, As in old times of which we ’ve read, When every man to guard his head Most trusted in his hand. But not of a// his neighbours near, Our canny isleman lived in fear, And kept his arméd watch ; One dangerous rogue next door, he knew, Had gauged each cabbage as it grew, With eye that seemed to snatch. *Gainst him the fences were enlarged ; *Gainst Aim the blunderbuss was charged ; The bull-dog went unmuzzled ; *Gainst Aim the owner of the yard Kept daily watch and nightly guard, Till e’en this rogue was puzzled. First he tried arts of imposition : To wean the keen Scot from suspicion, Cozen, cajole, and coax him ; Offered to aid him in his digging, Hisdykes in(whatthe Scotch call) “bigging,” But no such tricks could hoax him. Till on a night both dark and drear, When round the kailyard, far and near, Wind howled, and waters roared, The sturdy isleman shelter sought ; On such a night, e’en thieves (he thought) Beneath the blankets snored. But close at hand the rogue did lurk, Who setting lustily to work Made in the dyke a hole, And quick the treach’rous barrier through His head and half his body drew, And soon had drawn the whole. But wary as your rogue may be, Honesty ’s wide awake as he ; And so this rascal found. A falling stone betrayed the thief, And roused, to guard each precious leaf, The master of the ground ! Out from his hut he sprang, unfrocked, His bell-mouthed blunderbuss he cocked, Unchained his bull-dog stout, On his detective bull’s-eye turned, And the bound-breaking knave disce med Half inside and half out.

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F LR AMEY © PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aveusr 3, 1861. aM INN V7 TGA Vie Lt it a pull .» Upon m honour R. x wD) Mihai iS iN th! Whee you nt ABOVE THAT SORT OF THING!

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“Se Pr OS SS ee ntl olen SHOT Re BOO Bo a a eB aag S|

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| Avaust 3, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 49 honest man at the “ owl 7 MORAL. In Europe my St. Kilda see, | De en cn ued | Scotch kail, you see, and not Savoy’s Assume Nai ae | One moment they ae The plant my little tale employs The kail gain, of the silence making end, Its warring to enhance Who, Beene “ema on him flashed, Honesty, “ Where bound, my Lest Sg ere In’ creat “iM Assures us, cool and unabashed, friend ?”? ao eo T allude He’s going * bock again.” Quoth Roguery, “Bock again!” ce—

OUR ROVING CORRESPONDENT. “My DEAR Puncu, 110nths in the year his works are before the London world. And if in that our profession i is , how many pounds, i ma since the Academy ritish public has not at heart. ed about, . Was a little fortune. Did the in truth a noble picture |b in a noble —_ * ae, on whom e generous proud that the nmeteenth has shown le is a a mean between Harmonious without big gy oc without affectation—can.I say ye lac. ig Sm te ack ? ie he oan by Mr. hang sone study of a medisval haberdasher displaying his a Sie fs spp dese tenting ees <0 the middle is D nappily 2 tinued now, except perhaps in the a of a few “ marts’ in the neighbourhood of A cleames Si os where se fa a. sg Jd look ty an = ata fe aaa wanes heme of a opman who poppe out upon nor (like a tee which a how been waiting he its prey), and solicited custom. — Street should subscribe to} wu su cates the aaeaity (and consequent pe Sx a i 9 wer 7 nee ea, Florentine Sawyers 3 Tus- otis teciien eek red wine which I hope will not prove too much As for the p-sawyer, he is of course elevated enough already. ’s First Sight of Laura, on goer gy placed as wri ago gy ag Dante and Beatrice, and th Vag ee nee Sak cleteets. on he Meee, Petrenes is ps a little too and indeed seems almost + 4 @ man than ve oli mens enough to ny the supposition that the jeans youn, po’ devotions mo: at matins were aan divided in the 7 = eyes p of Dante and Beatrice cacti aaeer, aad it fo aise see such a Holi uch labour Home ne oan b 4 4» ee ght icture in the P. R. manner. It is a subj = the paistes’s own eet abd Loge Fuel Pe or ane moral. aim of the Grand School, leat fall of a ir ata e principal figure—a down ey oo idren—is has bess, ‘e defined butafteralld does it matter much how the child alls of fold Md ahd 616 8) sea bg See napa s or emseives, ali be sermons in stones, Cliffs should "read The whole from the ae of the scene below is a fall of up on the eanvas er the er | down to usa the very truth as of beauty. The Seger eees Wien sted nienstadiianinn tn0 dees. For at least three | art. There is hade | in the ‘ Omety-oneth,’ who has ont more en Lomon | looks roposed red has just | of what taet the latter might have been iat i. oe howe, yea carried as far as it can be. You ma oust the pebbles on the beach, aa the geological cherneliiia. a each rock and almost hear the the waves as they come dashing om the shore. Nor has the painter forgotten that a mans t of nature is not the only aim of ene re than in_ that weather-beaten spar which has drifted in wit the tide, and the low swoop of the sea-gull throt h the white and ay. ! Polybosfoio ¢ ain’t it Mn. Heaset?’ says Soum- remarkable for colle ody ane BLETON (whose quotations are not we cross the room. “ The Arrest of a Deserter (581) is an incident in which, as treated by Miss Sotomon, one does not kn pg | eee Be melancholy. Berhaps a mixture of both is for ip been grmssto than Padi. isles +s is his Beare wanna i discovered play inaacs ‘Oh, Hamlet, ff . ss Sine oe were clasked in mock handcuff: should now be encompass by pe 98 s! In vain poor intercedes—in E ~r% Vide Hues uve and the bao warn him facilis descensus ! who shall say, when he oe am it may be on the scaling ps wee The Bribe (590), by Mz. Storey, is well painted, but : little mys- terious in point of Ls ery The scene is laid m the dungeon of an old castle, date about the—let us say—castellated Tan half-open door we see a knight degeiond » as a friar, ap porter to allow him to enter. In t Het, evidently ont yoga stands a gentleman in a slashed doublet tly only snitine for the intruder’s entrance to let fly at him with an arquebuse, while a young lady stands by ready to finish him off with a in case of accidents. In short, as far as t. knight is concerned it be a case of ‘ knocks ef preterea nihil? ‘Querer per solo Querer’ is the authority cited by Mr. coca oe his text, and a queerer Story than this I have seldom seen me "What! have I arrived at the North Room, with so little time to explore it! Will that remorseless Hall porter not wait one instant while I traverse this chamber devoted at once to Architecture and Miniature—little portraits and great argillaceous prototypes? Why am zt drawings for the p Governm the bayonet, has run a from galing players and snd the moment hye wo comrades. The guise [hess eeicthe lene at iibotans was there!’ To think that a stern decree? Adieu Datzret, vE, THORBURN, Ru roan, is all that T have time for now Mores. | A passing grateful @iance * * 7 Seo’ Seetniti rtraits silie aed kindly as I leave the room. ; aoe draw what Let me walk m as grace nectally 9 50 ee Dae moral I may om the Exhibition as its doors swing to for the last time this year, and shut out your humble Servant, t, Jack Easzx.”

Sir F. Kelly's Circular to the Bar. “* A first class pass shall be sent to you.” Sr Frezroy Kewry much averse To have Woop for the om Jingles aloud a well- urse As Chairman of Commi “No Radical foe toon Ne He cries, “ We’re not such asses!” Money make the Mayor to go, first class passes. run

A Ray of Talent and Mystery. In the Atheneum, we read that niet he feet te Ray Society, inasmuch as it seems that the Bays do not bos verg_ Gated how to raise the wind. In our innocence, however, we the Royal Academy was the real R-A Society, and, omen 8 they take every year, we shoula finances of that illustrious oor were ccaremnely | ane mnocence rol us Scdetpamnd Getgatie a cabo tet on) Coa Photagrpio it would n be as as po Pare be considered the

only, ra heiied ty Goat

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 3, 1861.

Y oP, “Ws LENZ a,” ata " “Ah? You lost a Sight, Sir, I can tell you, by not being at our Review. Splendid Fellow, Sir,—sees everything. There’s no Shirking with him, Sir ; and precious Hard | we can do for envying another’s bonnet is to | I actually lost One Stun Thirteen Pounds that day, Sir— | endeavour to surpass it.—La Morale en Action Work we had of it, I can assure you. by Jove!/” SPIRITUAL PAUPERISM. Tue guardians of the Durham Union appear to think that there ought to be a correspondence between the spiritual nutriment of paupers and \\) | their material diet. Under this impression it ‘| evidently was that they advertised the other day | for a chaplain, offering the salary of £20 a-year. | Their advertisement was answered by a tender from one JoHn Smaxt, who turned out to have | ‘| been a clergyman’s footman, and conceived | \| that he had learned to exercise the functions of | . a parson from his master. He had, he said, “had | a good deal of private practice, but not public.” | The Rev. Joun Smart, in proposing himself a | candidate for the sacred office vacant, made the | very characteristic and incontrovertible remark, “The salery offerd is indeed very small.” Such | ...._ | would be the natural remark, not only of Jonn ~~ |Smart, but also of Joun Tuomas; and no (4\ doubt Mr. Smart spoke the sentiments which | | he would naturally entertain asa member of the | /| livery, as well as those which he might be sup- if posed to feel as an aspirant to the cloth. =| It is painful to find a respectable man-servant ~ | reduced to apply for employment in the capacity of a Workhouse chaplam. Cannot an inferior class of Clergymen ordained on purpose to iti), | administer to paupers a coarser kind of spiritual tien | food? Deep indeed must be the humiliation aN; jammarioneed by_a footman in exchanging plush | yj |and gold lace for the canonicals of a chaplain ny whose salary is £20 a-year.

| The Duke is a@| FEMALE Repentance.—The best penance that | pour les Dames.

CHILDREN FOR SALE. SMALL DAY SCHOOL FOR SALE.—Several exchange pupils, and other yy Very suitable for a lady without occupation, a widow, &c. Apply to Mrs. A. B., &c.—Advertisement. Anp why not? Everything is sold now- s. A Parliamentary majority—a guarantee for honesty—a charge of souls—a lady’s com- plexion—the victory in a horse-race—a testimonial to one’s virtues—a pedigree from Agincourt—a diploma from a university—a presentation at Court—a complete set of Puxch—everything that is, or that the world thinks valuable, may be had by money, judiciously applied, and “—e a School ? ithout a word of protest, and indeed in the highest good humour, Mr. Punch would accompany the ateating Devs to see what the intending Seller of the scholastic article exhibited, in the early stage of the negotiation. Sharp-visaged old maid, with a little money in the three per cents, | and having nothing to do, and desiring better interest than the Govern- ment’s, has read the advertisement, and does not see why, if she can make a good bargain, the thing should not suit her. So calls on advertiser, who was almost as sharp-visaged as herself, but has been a little softened by an offer of marriage from the r, who wishes her to retire from educational life—so she sells the children. Come in, if you please, M’m, and you can see the children at their lessons. Sit down here, M’m, and count them, if you like, for I am above all underhandedness, and would only do the thing that is just and right. That young person? That is my niece. She does the teaching, and being an orphan I allow her that _— of improvin: herself, likewise her meals, and I superintend and correct, and 1 shoul recommend you the same course, M’m. Boy at the top of the class ? Quite right, M’m, and he #s as stupid as he looks, but his father is the tax-collector—you understand—we have to attend to these little matters. Next boy? Little Lonner, yes—if you want an example at any time for punishment, he is safe enough—his step-father sends him here—and you can use for errands. Next? he és rather dirty, but his father exchanges coals against tuition, and it does not do to be too particular. The next—I would scorn to conceal anything from you, M’m, and I am not sure that he is safe pay, his mother goes out teaching singing, and owes me a half-quarter, but he is a smart-looking child, and good to call up when a parent comes with a new pupil. The next is going away, an o good thing, for he is a dreadfully trouble- some and brat, and parents stipulated that he was never to

be punished ; but I shall do what is right by you, and give him a prize, | because he has two brothers whom I think may be had. The next is | a valuable boy, he is half an idiot, and is only sent to be out of the | way—we never teach him anything, and, as you see, he is sucking hard- | e in class—it is a good example to the others, and teaches them self-denial—you may have him for the next ten years, if you like. The next is a nice little fellow, his father is an undertaker, and one of the pleasantest men in the neighbourhood, I trust you may never know what it is to have a loss, M’m, but if you should, little EantHworm’s father will do you justice, his schooling is finishing off a bill for the burying my poor great aunt, but that you will have nothing to do with. The next is a nephew of my own; and if we agree, M’m, I dare say we can make his continuance mutually agreeable, as he will require education, and you will be in need of groceries. The next I would advise you to be attentive to, though he is not a nice child to look at—his name is SnurFrtTon, and his fiends keep the Silver Dragon, and have a | deal to say in the way of recommendation. He and that little Lonner had a fight the other day, and Syurrton’s mother was much pleased | at my sending home Lorner with a note desiring his step-father to cane him. Well, M’m, now if you will walk into the parlour, I shall be happy to show you my account-book, for I desire not but what | is fair and above board. Teach myself? Well, no, M’m. e fact is | I am not much fit for teaching, but a few friends thought I could better myself by opening a school, and Marra there does the work, and so under Providence I have prospered, M’m. This way, M’m, if you please.” And once more, why not? Anybody can Teach, but that’s not the question. In a free country, fom ts < has a right to sell what anybody has money to buy.

THE POLKA IN NETLEY ABBEY. We are at liberty to state that a subscription has been set afoot for the purpose of erecting a Chapel-of-Ease to Netley Abbey. The worship of Terpsichore wont to be performed by the gents and corresponding rsons of the softer sex amid the venerable ruins of Netley, has been elt, by everybody of the slightest pretension to taste and feeling in the megenegchond, to be an incongruity with those relics of a defunct faith. In short, the new Chapel to be erected at Netley is meant for the snobs of both sexes to dance in, so many of them as are too genteel to adjourn for their hop to the neighbouring public-house.

‘Opp: = oi SEREES a =4 |

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for ship ding een the anct i for iteel A DELICATE INQUIRY OFFICE. Aveust 3, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 51 OUR MUSICAL POLICE. § the police \ OA ~Vwe Se WN) lif == — Naat ~ “} the taste f —_—* man when | i RD pectang teolnee t wi en nt, ' | y flute, and when ‘usiited eee: out to supper at some Mffft it en In ue mt 8 bands for music amusement, there is no knowing how funnily show itself, or how } | # much it may enliven|my maxims room in your gallant F- : their grave ; In} to ladies is as universally x i the streets. A police-| wit. I told you the maxims I sent uj i=) £ a Se E sae B ; ! : a pay ie solo on the | advantage over Nustor when he C f z : a g that if a sentimental “bobby” discover that hin fay ove has soy car m ina Don Giovanni cone ae cppouite her and ing its the notes .of “ Deh Viens,” glayed on the ophicleide, whilethe cals in squeal in dismal concert his melancholy strain. : me of the results which we think likely to ensue when music becomes ised by policemen, and we trust their constant practice may ulti- mately bring them to that nearness to perfection which is found in those whom we ref almost i are forming |"? ™°™ the justly celebrated band of the Blues. MRS. POCHEFOUCAULD’S MAXIMS. I am not surprised, Mr. Punch, that you have afforded Your devotion g@s your superlative e~ | 1 you were not the best off duty will| in my collection : now, let me prove it to you. I know leisure time | you will relish them even more than the fixst batch. L’app¢tit for it may A woman is twenty at seventeen; and just ‘twenty-nine when she is forty. - , F -—= de asked to bring his arabe prettiest bonnet in the world és ‘the eauso af infinite ss. There is a wasp in every zose.of it. or else} Nobody can pay.one a compliment like oneself. How foolish your clever men look im Jove: we have the The ; amiable lady who praises aif most who j i } ballroom, would hate you if she thongit you fas servants, W. the principal perform. web asbenecll. the} A woman’s first wish is to shinethe fairest of hher sex ; now | 2 man’s to be the richest among men. the| It is easier to forgive a woman who thas done us an injury, than one who has been peciomed to ms dor a assist the appetite. ; kinds passions li under -sililes— | Cooks, it is well Susu, apse weokuen oh the Mites ealieivenetls eS Se shade, We are never so pretty as we believe ourselves to be : ; ing | and to our dear friend who i standing | Sierthan oun PO our dear friend who is the vicinity | It is a woman’s business to watch chanees. “Lhe ugliest woman would have been beautiful in the eyes.of inson Le Foilet is a pip from the apple which Eve ate. . Tr is astonishing that the lady referred to in the following newspaper paragraph should be a widow :— “Nor PARTICULAR a8 TO A SHapE.—In a Bristol (N. Y.) paper a young widow lady advertises that she desires to meet with an affectionate and good-tempered partner who can offer her a comfortable home. A gentleman of colour not objected to, from 45 to 50 years of age.” How did a lady, reduced to advertise for a second husband, and iness to accept an elderly nigger, ever contrive to get a first ? What sort of a person is she to look at? Probably, as the aa aoe young lady said of the Gorilla, very plain. Most likely she is both plain and also not rich; for if she were the veriest griffin, pro- vided she were well off, she would have plenty of white suitors com- ing, uninvited, for her hand. Else, why is it written in the Common the portraits of marriageable persons of both sexes, which might with ease be clandestinely obtained at the ordinary photographic shops, in order that anybody wanting a wife or a husband, but knowing no one that would suit him or her, might step in and look them over, in order to select the most eligible, with a view to directing further attention to their namesakes, ! the papal . To conduct ulterior negotiations would be the business of the keeper, proprietor, and manager of the Office, who might style himself Matrimonial Agent or Attorney, and Hymeneal Solicitor. If | the idea, thus briefly sketched, of a Private Inquiry Matrimonial Agency Office, should be adopted and carried out by some bold specu- | lator living by his wits, and being at his wits’ end, its publication will | perhaps have proved the means of making peer Ors happy, and | restrain from taking the fatal plunge an individual on the brmk of a swindle. ees that “A man may not his Grandmother ? ” ' ~ as the poet sings, “Oh, who doth know the bent of woman’s | antasy } 2 . and as the popular proverb more quay avers, “ there is no accounting for tastes;” wherefore it is ible that the young | widow who, unlike the celebrated one that resided in the neighbourhood of Southwark Bridge, has no objection to a black man, may be not plain, | but richly endowed with personal . On such a doubtful | point as this it is not possible for a mere advertisement to satisfy the | reader. The minutest word painting must fail to present imagination | with a faithful miniature. An interview between parties who might) — oe be disgusted with each other at first sight, is a meeting} unpleasant to venture on. Matrimonial advertisements should there- fore be illustrated, but then the advertisers would obtain more oan: than they would desire, and would afford greater amusement than they would “ke to give to their friends and acquaintance. Under these mig. Orc) esienees, an enterprising adventurer it surely make money by up e Private Inquiry Matrimonial Agency Office, to whic visting to get married might send, together with all other were perticolars of imformation, their ne hy: rtraits for vention ty *hoss-whom they might concern. The Office might be Rate te hotographic establishment, and then, in the pro- i OF the ‘pictures Phoebus would be invoked in aid of ‘th a statement of pecuniary circumstances at “gree —— than the most accurate verbal =-gper could make it his business to procure An Incident in a Country Town. A Pie whom, running down the street, A Butcher hotly did pursue, } Did rush into, for a retreat, A shop whose keeper was a Jew. “How wonderful is Nature’s ways ! ” Said they who saw the touching fact ; ‘The sense as that there pig disp ys ! No Christian couldn’t wiser act.’ A Mellifiuous Minister. Amone the ministers who, together with the Ear or SHAFTESBURY, | attended the Warts memorial soirée the other evening at Southampton, and addressed the Meeting, was the Rev. W. Bex, of Worthing. The hearers of a Bee buzzing—vwe will not say humming— homage to Dr. Warts, should have been yp neoey | impelled to hail the conclusion of a discourse by singing in chorus the appropriate lines beginning wi — ** How doth the little busy bee,” | unless, as we suppose, litéle is not an epithet applicable to Mr. Bre. | The humble bee is, in fact, a bee of the biggest kind, the species | of bee which, in the neighbourhood of Southampton, is a | dumbledore. |

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RSS ae ~ Ss ¥ > oR } ~ ~% Rk ~ SES Se SSS ~~ ee ~e ae \ MAY \ IN PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aueust 3, 1861. aA AI | {1 PH AS fn 22 TT THE MAIL What’s-your-Name! What Time do TRAIN. Swen. “ Haw /—He—ar!/ we ‘Arrive at Aberdeen Guarp (snappishly). “ 7°10.” SWELL (making himself quite at home). ‘7°10? Haw !—Weil then, let e my Boots, and Call Me at—Haw—6°45.” PUNCH’S “MOTHER’S CATECHISM.” Designed for the instruction of the rising generation, and corrected up to the latest authorities. Q. My child, come here, and listen to me. A. I come, dear Mamma, but I do not recognise the propriety of you calling me your child. | responsible for my education. . Ladmit that, my dear, and therefore I propose to question you | upon some of the branches of knowledge. What is History ? A. A mass of dubious traditions coloured by individual prejudices. Q. What, then, is the use of studying it ? A. That we may be able to contradict, by the aid of one writer, any | statement sought to be forced upon us by another. Q. Give me some instances of this contradictory process. A. With pleasure, dearest Mamma. I belong to the State, to which you are| Q. Have you, then, more than one Mamma? ; COmparison. A. L admit the inaccuracy, for which affection must be my apology. Q. A sufficng one. We will now proceed with our lesson. Why was Wii11aM THE Seconp called Rurus? A. Not, as ignorantly believed, from the colour of his hair, which is known to have been black, nor because in his reign a roof was put on Westminster Hall. Q. How was he killed ? A, Not by Watter Tyre, who was never near the part of the Forest where the king fell. | Q. Has not the story of Ricuarp tearing out the lion’s heart long | been exploded ? A. Yes, but improperly. Popular tradition was partially accurate, but the animal was a tiger, which had escaped from a travelling col- lection, and had devoured a favourite white deer belonging to QUEEN BrRENGARIA. | “ Dearest” implies | Q. Did Jonny murder his nephew, ARTHUR ? A. No, they were most affectionately attached, and the king had sent ARTHUR a basket of nectarines on the day he died, probably from a fall out of window. Q. Is the celebrated scene of Jonn signing the Great Charta fictitious? A. Entirely. The copies were sent to his hotel in a tin box, and he affixed the signatures while being shaved by his valet. Marks of lather are still found on two of them. Q. Was the youth of Henry THe Friern as gay as has been described? A. On the contrary, he was remarkably holy and austere, and his nightly visits to the hospitals to relieve the sick, have been perverted into the revellings described in the volume assigned to SHAKSPEARE. Q. You say “ assigned ”—why ? A. Because the whole of the plays and poems so long believed to | have been SHAKSPEARE’S were written by Lorp SoutHampton with the aid of Sir CuristorpHer Hatton, and they used as 2 xom de plume | the name of an obscure actor. Q. Did Queen ExizaBetu order the executionof the QuEEN or Scots? | A. Mary was never executed at all—Exizanetn’s love for her| cousin forbad it—a show was made to deceive the public and discourage | the disaffected—and Mary, under the name of IsaBeL FontTANGEs, | lived for many years afterwards, and died at Roven. Q. Had James THE First an antipathy to the sight of a sword ? A. No, it is a slander. He was a good swordsman, and wounded the Cuevatier St. Georce in a duel, in which the king as éncog. Q. What was the meaning of CuaRtes THE Frast’s celebrated “* Remember ? ” : A, He used no such word. He said “ December,” thereby predicting the month in which CromwEtt, like himself, should appear at the place of execution. Q. Good child. Will you like to go and play ? A. I thank you, dear Mamma, for the expression of your approba:i0!, | but I would, with your sanction, prefer to devote an hour to the study of Mr. Bucxue on the History of Civilisation. aD Printed by William Bradbury, Printers, at their Office In Saruapar, August 3, 1861, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park, both in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex. Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by them at No. 39, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in the City of London.

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: Scots? | for her | scourage | TANGES, | ord ? wounded ebrat ed redicting the place robai0n, | Fhe study | —— yf Middlesex. of London.

Aveust 10, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Hi 7; yy fll ——— YY Vx L_— A . ‘ er = GFF. <p Z g

1

a : AN : ABOVE BRIDGE BOAT AGROUND OFF CHISWICK. GaLLant MEMBER OF THE L. R.C. “ Can I put you Ashore, Mum?”

PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Juty 29th, Monday. Lorp Drerspy—we should like to hear what his London when he might just as well have been off—took an opportunity afforded by the Appropriation of Seats Bill to make some fun of the Ministers. He complimented them on this little harmless Reform Bill, to which he saw no objection, now that the Commons had entirely altered it into something else than what Government had proposed, and as soon as further revision should have made it “ sense” and “ English,” he saw no reason for opposing it. But it was not all fun on the part of the artful descendant of Joan of Aldithley. There have been ru- mours that the ConstTaBLE is meditating another attempt at a Reform Act, and though most people believe that he is just as likely to be medi- tating a walk on the electric wire that so horribly disfigures the archi- tecture in the Strand, the Earl thought he would try to get the story disavowed. So he declared that of course he himself had seen the folly of promising Reforms which the country did not ask for, and he hoped it would be understood that the Government felt themselves equally exonerated from attempts at Reform. Lorp GranvitLe made a safe answer, agreed with Lorp Dery that people should not intro- duce Bills that they had no chance of carrying, but he would not pledge himself to finality notions, as he was inclined to occasional extension of the suffrage in.a “ Conservative ” way. _But perhaps the most amusing part of Lory Dersy’s address was his allusion to the expected advent of Lorp Joun—now Eart— Russet. Lorp Dersy spoke of his old friend’s elevation to the Lords in the spirit in which a dweller on Olympus might welcome the arrival of a new demi-god. Up here, said his Lordship, in this “ quieter, calmer, and he trusted, purer atmosphere,” the nobleman whom we shall all delight to see, can occupy his peaceful hours in giving the final improvements to his old Reform Bill. Here “‘ Where the blest Gods the genial day prolong, With feast ambrosial and celestial song,” here Joun Russext, having shuffled off his mortal coil, having, like his shoulders, to be — by the mantle of aristocratic would be a sort of beati upon the inferior 4 over whom he, now far above them, woul continue to watch with affectionate vigilance. before what was comprised in Elevation to the Peerage. for preventing the 3 = removal of both. Let us descend to answer had been sent. The worthy magnates were busily trying to

| frightened two women by jumping into the road near them. Sir G. Lewis did not think that even this horrible crime deserved all the ven- | Christian, seen his burden of House of Commons frailties slide from | gnity, | { ed spirit, walking in rapture among te gilded family said, or looked, at his perseverance in wasting the fine weather in | fretwork of our Walhalla, and bending Kindly and unfathomable eyes | We never truly knew | The blest Gods, though so great, deem nought beneath their care, and proceeded to deal with Salmon and the Poor, forwarding the Bills | arth, and observe that though Government had | three times written to the Ryde Magistrates’ to know why they had | committed one Carter for three weeks, for sleeping under a tree, no | find out something else against Carrer that should justify a retro- | spective sentence, and late in the week they wrote to say that he had — geance that had been inflicted, and ordered that the ferocious slumberer | | and jumper should be released. LLorp Patmerston said enough on the Galway business to make it mise long ago expounded by the keen-sighted Punch, will be carried out with due decorum. the ratification of the finance work of the Session. and ill people (and Ladies are the chief offenders in this respect) rise up about three minutes before the fall of the curtain at play or opera, and insult the artists and annoy better behaved spectators by moving away, in order to be early in the scramble for carriages. When the Commons le, « " 5 ° | it is not offensive, because it annoys nobody. passing; but after a short discussion, in whic administered some parting slashes at “ independent ” Members who had wasted tlie time of the House by their interference with the estimates,

Session. | British subjects abroad will be able to make Wills with some chance uite clear that a certain pleasant compro- | Then came the ever welcome 4p ropriation ~*~ | -bre | arrive at the Appropriation Bill, a similar bolt is generally made, but | 1 However, Lorp Roper | Montacu wished to linger over this formal Bill, and even opposed its | ich Lorp PALMERSTON | the Bill was read a Second Time, and now we see the end of the |

VOL, XLI. G

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54 ‘PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aveusr 10, 1861. of their proving valid, a fact which may be interesting to the thousands | who are now letting their moustaches grow, and are practising French conversation with their unoffending little girls. Paterfamilias at Boulogne may now say, without utter fatuity, “Garsong, je view faire mon—mon Volunté, apportez-moi wme,—you know~—une lawyer—une solliciteur.”’ i : That Naval Reserve question came up again. The object of the Government is to give the country, im ease of a war, ‘the benefit of the services of the officers of the Merchant Service. There was, of course, some ition in the alleged interest-of the QuEEN’s service, but the House felt that the prcgense gain was too great to be thrown away for the sake of pleasing anybody. Tuesday. Soon after four o’cloek, an organ outside the House of Lords struck up “Saw ye Johnay Coming?” and in a few minutes Viscounz Amperuey, of Amberley, in the County.of Gloucester, and ¢ in the county of th,and Hart Russet, of Kingston- Russell, m the County of entered the House. He was intro- cuced by Ear, Grayvee and the Ean. or Staarrorp, He was duly walked round the House, pausing at different points, like a soul going | through the stars, “ Refining for his final heigh And ee at and having taken his Oaths, he became one of the Celestials. By a | curious comeidence, the clock that had just struck four marked the close-of the contest that filled up his abandoned seat for the City with Mr. Western Woop, who had defeated the Lonp Mayor by 5747 votes to 5241. By another curious coincidence, on the day that saw J we that a new Duke or Buon wanax i who nor Commons were inclined to sit. The Nether the ConstaBLe about Hungary, the watching events, that he i Austrian empire was dis- for the best, and meant to be as strictly as in the American q . Mr. Hennessy, for want of anythi ter to do, tried to procure a side-wind repeal of the Heelesiastical Titles Act. Certain of the Papists will not see that it is not because the Act is not enforced that England is a bit more inclined to reeognise the ridiculous insolence that made it politic, but that having given a very strong hint, she can afford to let blatant ecelesiastics ticket themselves with any foolish title they like. The mem t neutral in the Austrian | attempt to repeal the Act was instantly put down by a majority of 69 'to 4, another hint that may as well be taken. It was backed up on | another evening by Lornp Panmerston’s express declaration, that he had no idea of repea!mg the Act, and also that he should know what to | do if any special case arose. | Wednesday. It was revealed to the world, by the mouth of Mr. Cowrer, that the Government intend to act upon the Report of the Thames Embankment Commissioners. These gentlemen mean to make a roadway of one hundred feet wide from Westminster to the Temple, and then to carry a somewhat narrower viaduct to Blackfriars Bridge (of course the splendid new one which Mr. Pace is going to build), and then a new street is to opened to the Mansion House. And next year, if the life of the Government should be spared, Mz. CowPer will propose a Bill for entrusting to Mz. Tuwarrss and his Parliament the task of carrying out this scheme. Mr. Punch proposes to wait and see what becomes of the Administration, before entering into the details of their programme for the 1862 Session. | The Commons, rather than lose the Bankruptcy Bill altogether, assent to the Lords’ mutilations. This Bill passes, and next year, or jas soon as delicacy will permit, Lonp Wesrsury will signify to the | Peers that the time has come when an opportunity offers itself for the { correction of an ignorant blunder, which he feels sure their Lordships | must deplore, and for the creation of a Chief Judge. Having passed a Bill for letting Volunteers go toll-free through ikes, the House rose, and the Government went to eat Whitebait ai veenwich. The Police have made no unfavourable report to Mr. joviality might have heen expeeted. . The Celestials did routine business, a Reine le veut being said aver several tons of parchment. The Nether House rose before Six, the only noticeable matter being a speech from the Constasix, justifyig the building of our war-shi an general reduction of armaments. ridiculous iron cages taken off the Monument and the York Column. Mr. Cowreg said that they were great disfigurements. He mentioned that the trustees of the York Column had put up their cage because a musician had jumped off the Monument, a reason which, considering extraordinarily strong. Punch, though as Hart Russeut had to wet his coronet, some extra | . . . . . . oS; ridiculing the idea of a compact with other countries for the Yes, Mz. C. Bentivox wants those | HURRAH FOR A PRINCIPLE. HERE there’s a there’s where Deed there’sa Way to turn i count. limb of sition has just been brought under Jr, Punch’s notice, and the Lorp Mayonr’s, through the eceen- tricity of a limb of the law i Justice been obtained at the Mansion under the following circumstances :-— hary “James ConNWALL and Jupam Davis were brought before the Lorp Mayor on former charged with steali | with receiving the same well knowing them to have been stvlen.” Master CoRNWALt is, or we presume was, a clerk in the office of | He is about sixteen years of age. Mr. Jupan Davis is, possibly, | and, certainly, a member of that invaluable association for the encouragement of i i To Jupau, Master CoRNWALL oads of parchments, to which he helps himself out of the office of Mr. it seems that about 500 title-deeds are missi JupauH purchases these valuable articles by the pound, but, being compelled by the tyrannous laws of the country to make an entry of the names of persons who sell property to him, writes down these documents as bought of “1 ike “ ConnwatL” that a mistake was virtue, the Marine-Store-Dealing connection. takes | Wuxinson his master, and son,” a name that sounds, of course, so like easy. Jupau states that he speedily parted with the parchment, but— ** Said he did not know where any of it was, for he had sold them to a man who was a stranger to him. He then demanded why he was asked all those questions, and when told that it was a quantity of title-deeds, the property of a solicitor, and the latter yr the purpose of recovering the deeds, he said that he would not answer any more questions, for he was not going to criminate himself for anybody.” Will a Way, and there’s a *“‘Criminate himself.” What can have put such an idea into the innocent mind of a Marine-Store-Keeper. Surely the purity of his soul must have been tarnished by associa- tion with evil little boys, who have sought to tempt him to err. False and cruel little boys, perhaps, like Master Cornwalt, to ac- The second this propo- | ‘* Who was standing by during the conversation, and said that what Davis had said about the parchment was not true. He would tell how it was. About three weeks back he took ‘some old law books to Davis to sell, and he asked him if he was not in a lawyer's office ; and on his replying that he was, he asked him if he could get some old parchment deeds. He said he thought he could, and Davis said if he took him some he would give him a capital price for them—four- pence a pound. He accordingly took some deeds to him, and he only gave him threepence instead of fourpence, as he had promised, and on another oecasion he had only given him twopence, and never tenpence, as entered in the book.” . Prelimi- has House ‘This is very sad, and it is indeed most unjust that a respectable tradesman should have to hear such things said of him, without rebuke from the bench of justice. The Lorp Mayor must have been too much shocked at such depravity and ingratitude on the part of the boy to ex- press his own feelings—at all events his Lordship is not reported to have uttered any indignation. He remanded the unfeeling lad, and for fear lest the warm and benevolent heart of Mr. Jupan Davis should be so softened as to in- duce him to abstain from appearing on a future day, and aiding in the next examination into the actions of the evil boy, the Lorp Mayor actually remanded Jupan Davis himself, who, for his unsuspecting kindness and generous liberality to a young Christian in need, is treated as a culprit, and had to find two sureties in 250 each, besides being himself bound in a £100 penalty against disap- pearance. The Mayor acted as he thought best, but it 1s hard, ah measure to deal out to an imnocent Marine- Store-K Saturday, the a solicitor. a Hebrew, missing. fr. Harri- eeper. 3 But the story, so far as it concerns JupaH and the boy, 1s the character of a great deal of the music of the day, may not seem | For a reason which may be ascertained by enclosing a stamped | envelope, and a £10 note, to 85, Fleet Street, Mr. Punch knocks Friday's | | Parliament into the middle of next week. | |

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him TER what | Punch holds that. a father who all

Ee Aveust 10, 1861.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a

has been attempted, imes, by people who call themselves Reformers to establish a Generel Hopaty of Deeds. If all deeds were recorde in a public offiee, the title to would by the unbidden kindness of ali the clients to pe : testimony to ownership.

| such new-far deviee. The country ] | title-deeds in the hands of their lawyers must therefore submit to | attorneyism and fate. Let them, how: Any evil boy who happens to be m an attorney’s office can imitate Master Cornwatt, and there are many kind and generous creatures, thank Providence, who are ready to imitate Jupan Davis. Any sharp | boy who can find out where the keys of the tin-boxes, or of the “‘ safe” are kept, and what will not a — boy find out) can profit by the | example of Master Cornwat1,

extent of taking 500 deeds, he may take quite enough to make a large | | number of clients uncommonly comfortable. He should not take all the | deeds from a box, but by substituting a large substratum of old news- papers, covering these with a deed or two, he may long protract a close examination. At any rate he may make a very oul raul, and when | an estate has to be sold, or to be defended, its alleged owner will find out how sound was the discretion and how pure the philanthropy of the | amiable Interest that refuses to let verified copies of documents be | deposited im a General Registry. The good works of Jupan Davis may have a happy influence an after Master Cornwa tz is discharged from the incarceration that seems in store for him, and let this thought be a comfort to the kindly old Jupau, under the unmerited persecution to which his soft heart and unsuspicious innocence have exposed that | worthy man.

SERVANTS AND THEIR SCHOOLING. | servants are becoming sadly scarce among us, and that at least a part | of this deficiency is owmg to the want of proper schools, where girls | might be instructed in the course of household duties they are hired to discharge. The knowledge of good cookery no more comes by mstinet than the knowledge of geography ; and it is quite as much an essential | to a girl in humble life to learn how to make a shirt and boil a pudding | or potato, as to know where is Kamtschatka, or what’s the eapital of | Greece. The use of the telescope may be all very well, but the use of | the rolling-pin, where servants are the students, is certainly far better; and however sdventageces Arts and Sciences may be to them, what they chiefly need to learn is good plain needlework and cooking. If | they be taught to read and write, and properly to keep accounts, they iil know as much, or more, than very many of their masters; an¢ | they will make thew homes far happier by quick and tidy hands, than by heads which have been stuffed with knowledge that is useless to them. In this age of mental progress and development of intelleet, opinions such as these may be sneered at and abused, as being behind the time, and Toryish and retrogressive. But that, with all our bragging about national advancement and education of the masses, our poor children | receive a most imperfect sort of schooling, there is ample evidence at | hand to furnish proof. Let any reader with a taste for wading through | a bn , Spend an hour or two in hunting for the Minutes of the Couneil of Government Education, and he will find a clergyman attest- ing to these facts :— “ For want of good schools for girls, three out of four of the girls in my district are sent to miserable private schools, where they have no religious instruction, no called *‘ Miss 8mitH’ and ‘ Miss Brows,’ and go into service at fourteen or fifteen, skilled in crochet and worsted work, but unable to darn a hole or cut out a frock, hating household work, and longing to be milliners or lady's-maids. While this is education, no wonder that people cry out that education is ruining our servants, and doing more harm good.” No wonder, indeed! and Mr. Punch conceives that nobody possessed of any brains would take into his kitchen a girl who had learned nothing but worsted work and crochet, and whom, when at school, her mistress had called “Miss.” This “hating household work,” and “longing to milliners,” is productive of more social evil every year; and Mr. me their heads, is clearly culpable for all the harm it may bring orth. Further evidence of moment is furnished in these Minutes, as the following will show :— ows his girls to get such nonsense “‘ Ata school attended by girls who will for the most part go to service, it was ever, know what their case is. | even if he cannot go to the noble | Ir is not long since Mr. Punch called attention to the fact that good | discipline, no industrial training; they are humonred in every sort of conceit, are | J not so interesting to the respectable public as another consideration. It Crinoline v. Cleanliness—that was here the trial, and it does not }much surprise one to discover the result. With girls whose heads | were full of Berlin wool and crochet cotton, and who, like the others, ould not be put into jeopardy | doubtless, were at school called “ Miss,” of course the wish would come i arme-Store-Keepers in England, | to be miss-taken for young ladies, and crinoline would help to consum- and brats might plunder their masters without plunging their masters’ |mate this wish. It is true that pocket-handkerchiefs are much more | of ruin, or of ruimous expense to replace missing | needful articles than fashionable petticoats; but then they can’t be | ut the attorneys, who are all powerful over | flourished in everybody’s face, and as “Miss SmitH” had not means the House of Commons, especially over the country gentlemen, have | to indulge in both the luxuries, she gave up cleanliness and comfort for always defeated the plan for a Registry, and will continue to defeat any | finery and filth. i gentlemen and others who have

\ he | Ne QV if |) SN A] PAS f . he Wi “ feye Pts y Na} , le © wee * ‘ N } i {' 8 ~ — f+ a Gry im Nth eee

“UN SUJET NOIR.” We read that the new system of ventilation, patented by Mr. Cooxe, * consists in a fine adaptation of wire-gauze to open windows, so that the air is allowed to steal gently in and out, while violent hts, and | those enemies to ventilation, the blacks, are carefully excluded.” The latter qualification should recommend it for unive use in America. By “carefully excluding the blacks,’ it would be the very mstrament | for ventilating the question of slavery, and moreover would help to allay that feverish warmth of feeling that is at present raging between the | North and the South. By the way, we see in the above description that the blacks are denounced as “enemies to ventilation.” True enough, many a courageous fellow has f a vietim to the Lynch Law, by espousing the cause of “the blacks,” and so, we suppose, has experienced, from losing his life, the very greatest difficulty nb

| If Mr. Cooxe’s patent will remedy this s in the continuous | supply of air, we must say that it will not only effect wonders with a | large class of persons who cannot open their mouths on the question of slavery without immediately getting black in the face, but will, also, the prolongation of life.

The Right Man in the Right Place. Tar Lorp Mayor should not be surprised at the success of his rival, Woon, pray, but at the head of the poll ?

VERY SHOOTABLE,

observed that of 150 girls, scarcely one had a pocket-handkerchief, while there was Searcely one who had nota hoop. Crinoline being beyond their means, a stout hoop | Was worn, with an enormous amount of petticoat, while the indispensable pocket- |

handkerchief was absent.” A New Journal is announced, to be entitled The Quiver. We under- sae that a leading feature in it will be an ’arrowing tale called Zhe eau,

As a builder, he ought to have known that in the nature of | things it could not well be otherwise. Where would one expect to find |

reathing. contribute largely to the cause of civilisation by tending materially to |

eed

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARTI. [Aveusr 10, 186i. We cannot make a statue amongst us, do what we will; but we can contrive to raise a ( __| tower, or even an entire building, of inoffen- f | sive appearance. Bearing this peculiarity of vd | national genius in saint Yet us consult it in | erecting all the monuments which our grati- tude may award to deservers. Has the hero |whom we would honour with a statue, if {we could make one, fought his country’s | battles ?—build him a barrack, or a fort, and |eall it after him. Has he been an eminent | divine ?—erect achurch to his memory. A | great judge in civil or criminal law ?—assign him a new assize-court or gaol: Let the name of an engineer be perpetuated by a railway terminus or a bridge, and that of an illustrious | physician or surgeon by a hospital, or connect it with a cemetery. Thus honour to the dead is combined with advantage to the living, and, as in the case of the Tower of the Two | Wardens, two birds are killed with one stone. | | | BETWEEN ANDOVER AND LONDON. Oh! little do you know Lorp Mayor Custrt’s grief and woe ; He sold his old coat off his back in finer trim } to go. But the new clothes wouldn’t fit, In such wise that he might sit ; He has lost a lot of money and displayed a lack of wit. And there goes my Lorp Mayor, __ With his Lordship’s shoulders bare, Without é seat to sit upon except his Civic hair. Since Andover’s resigned, And London proved unkind, The Lorp Mayor now has nothing to fell back upon behind. | Dejected in his mien ; He feels the unforeseen | Ill consequence of an attempt to sit two stools between. He makes, by substance thrown Away for shadow, known The lesson that a man should be contented with his own. | So now then let us sing Long live the City King ; And may experience to his youth increase of wisdom bring ! A Woman to be Envied. Tue wife of a r Curate’ writes sigh- ingly as follows: “I see that the Sunran is | always appearing in public with a new Hatt. | 1 wonder if the Sutrana exercises the same paviloas and can come out as often as she ] | o- == ~ Now WE DARE SAY YOU WONDER WHAT THE DEUCE THIS MEANS. THE FACT Is, THAT SmrrH | likes with a new Bonnet ? ” AND TOMKINS HAVE GOT A PLACE IN SCOTLAND THIS YEAR, AND THEY ARE DOING ALL THEY POSSIBLY CAN TO ACCUSTOM THEMSELVES TO Dizzy Mountain HEIGHTS, AND TO GET THEIR Faces AnD LEGs THE ProprR TONE FOR THE NoRTH. | ADVICE THAT NEVER WILL BE FOLLOWED! A Womay should never marry. Previous | . ee cee ae “| to marriage, she is an Angel; whereas after | | marriage, she is nothing more than a Woman! | |—One who admires Women far too generally | * TERE is perhaps no donation that a wise man grudges so much as that of a guinea or more | “” to give a selfish preference to One. towards a monument to the memory of anybody ; that monument being a statue. If the person for whom the testimonial is intended was your personal friend, you experience, besides the CLERICAL ERRORS. annoyance of having to pay money for no good, the dissatisfaction of seeing some one who was | In is said that the Clerk the Forei dear to you perennially caricat in brass or marble. One would not, however, mind sub- T is said that the Cler: Hig he ee scribing as much as one could afford to the erection of such a testimonial to a departed friend as | ag — b Pat ¥, good, @ a that which is indicated in the subjoined newspaper paragraph : lS ceeenes tine they were scarcely “ Wixcnester Coutecs.—A Committee, consisting of Viscount Eversiry, Vick-CHANCELLoR Sim W. Pace | pass-able, Woop, Sim Witu1am Hearacors, Bart., M.P., Sin J. W. Awpry, Bart., Mz. Sccarer Boorn, M.P., and other gen- Wi ° Seem. Bove reported upon the best form of testimonial to be raised to the memory of the late Wardens of Sryiz !—What every coxcomb fancies he | College. They recommend the restoration of the tower of the College to be called ‘‘The Tower of the : Two Wardens.’” aed | has attached to his gait.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI—Aveusr 10, 1861.

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} HW Sra GS et eee Cee eS Oe Sek Pee OM ene Sar Sono 6g eee See SO Se SO ee SY OSE SB ORO lUw PCC SCUOOUSR |

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Aveust 10, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 59

ART IN PARLIAMENT. a proverb, and Sir G. Bowy oat first trombone of the Porx’s the a tapen Fag “hide the Art” of the a otters tone to it a good coat of whitewash. Sm G. Bowyzxr is a man of such remar' strong sense—his o or of public duty and statesmanship are so sound views of government, education, civil and codiasinatical with great rs ea eee nie ee | reat reaped to w say on as employed in -- House the Fine Arts by Pe. G. _ thinks that the ides of promot pictures, is quite blic money on frescoes, stat orl he Berg | with that slpanakle logie which peculiarly Lo His reason for the conclusion he has come to is, that was the branch of the Art which received most we have now no portrait-painter equal to Sn Seeava I een - or Srr THomas Lawrence. We were not that Siz aS ee ‘Sm Tuomas were paid out of the but we are glad to live and learn at the feet of such a as Sr G. Bowysr. sn slg then shoots his flight at the frescoes. Poor frescoes !—It was said } wl were coming off the walls—it.would be well if they did. resents a brutal insult offered to the remains of | CHARLES van Rst by a sg al —_ thus on extreme | offence to Sx GroncE Cavali alier.’ | These are = he characters for a versatile civilian. “We have lon; a py a with imagining him in the ne mail and red-crosse a Knight of St John John; and now for a while we may picture | V f to ourelves in the Vi doublet and f. collar of the Caroline ’ by ae yam ep offer himself to the House as a model for th of a series of historical designs to

| surcoat of ho hie owed by the Fine Art Commissioners ? | MR. We might begin with Bowyer as an Ancient Briton, in his woad and tatoo-marks, as “Wild in woods the noble savage ran.” Then we might have y= as a Basen soptien in ihe Ba Roman slave- market,—“ non Anglus sed Angelus,”—wit ugus in raptures | over his combined mnocence and beauty ;—then Bowyzr as a nia | in bis habit of the Order cm oe, dom dra the ee pony oy ther E i= ‘ ree till he comes down owed dust for the good of Mother Church Militant ;—then aa page ye Papal Legate upholding Jor against his rebellious Barons at Runny- "thes, Bowrse ie ane hon Mart by the avin oe wpe d &@ roas' eretic emp arte ae BowYEr as gi ger, with hae his blessing, Romanist conspirator, in the Quzen Bess ;—then nr of the: i Faith, settling the details of his coup uch maligned Guy ed ;—then Bowyer as a ier in love-locks, and a point-lace band fi over his buff coat, ing up that blessed martyr Cares in his seizure of the Five ;—then _ ngenen asa pious Page at Whitehall, carrying the into the bed-room of Mary or Mopewna, or the hand af pons THE SEconD which has just flung the Great England into the Thames ;—then Bowyer as a faithful adherent | of CHARLES engee ga in full retreat from , Dests or grinning through collar at and lastly, Bowyer kissing Pio Nono’s | toe, and invested with the Order of the 2 E : i rae o§ e : tele i ig ei in the Vatican ! Here would mae be a series calculated to rejoice the heart of any —though it would fy awe exhibit Sm Gzorce _ invariably on the ido _whch a base Nineteenth Century | Gasisis on calling that of iy o> all tyranny, ond superstition. But Sm | Gzorez, besides his general abuse ‘of the Aris in the House of Commons, condescends to particulars. He is severe, for instance, on Zhe Baptism of King Ethelbert, because the is naked, except his crown, and kneels by a font, “in which he could no more be imme than ina teacup.” It is unlucky that Ma. I Dyce in both points—the nakedness of the King and the smallness of the font—should have followed the nearest available authority, and should have shown us Mthelber¢ under Pag pe as the MSS. of nearly the same date show Aciuur, King of ag yp in the same act. Sre. G. reeommends the Government “to put a stop to an expendi- ture which produces results which give foreigners a very low idea of the standerd Art in d.” Perhaps Str Georee does not suffi- siently consider that if foreigners go for their “standards” to Par- liament, they liable to po, Salen other things besides our Art. Suppose, for instance, they were to fall upon Siz na cee oh own speeches as standards of Rogie — and ee 8 speech Arrears tin like the He salle us sit he “he great reliance on the Noble head of the in matters of taste!” We have long been ae to “ye == — Patmerston’s unhappy bent

y| heat, light, and brightness “ie wit—had

in Art, but we have never yet seen so conspicuous a condemnation of it as this reliance of Sur Gronce Bowyer’s. Sm GxorGe is sorry he was not “present at the recent debate on the style of the For Office, to show that there was at least one Italian question on whteh be s | agreed with the Noble Lord.” Let Lorp Patmerston pause before it is too late, and reflect what it is to have Srr Gzonce Bowyer agree with him ! But Bowyer was not the only new light that last week saw set up Art. Ossporne—the brilliant to guide the House aright i . pao ry BeRNaL—or BuRN-AtL, as h ry called, in consideration of the Bowyer. He was lambent, corruscant, flashing. How a lightnings were made to play about the devoted heads of the ters, who had laid their profane hands on the walls within wi ich BORNE deigns to enlighten and convulse the world! Think of Macuise, or Droz, or Hersert or Warts, in the hands of Sager A mice in the paws of a lion | Only it seems hardly worth while of coamead. of the woods to waste his gigantic strength on such pe y= i There was Lorp Macautay’s old New Zealander called up to ask, what Ae would think of the frescoes, when he sat down on that famous job from the broken areh of London Bri Bat no; the frescoes would the New <- yew visit— was defaced, and Lear was | The — s enjoyment of this e fooling might have lessened had it been told at the time gh an pb medic "s beauty was as fresh, and Lear’s age as venerable, as when Mr. Hzrzert first withdrew the sereen from before his fresco. And this even the Set nn ee San ee next night. _ he got more of =f own peculiar chaste and refined fun out of the ion, = Se he Ee rag but “ state of decay, ae Saws eee bably fall off the Session was over.” We might remind Mr. Ossorve that even if his charge were true, many a Member Py <a Hersenr’s fresco, and wish that his own “ Ayes” could be as easily effaced from Hansard, as Cordelia’s eyes or ios nose from the plaster of the Poets’ or. Mr. Punch would only remind these brilliant orators, and eruel critics , that art, like oratory, is not learnt in a day—that it requires a long course of experiments before you can hit the way either to ee the walls, or amuse the afd be sor of Parliament. comparin: Art and Oratory, we ~r ae sorry indeed to the "Art tha that adorns the walls of mmons as low in its way as much of the eloquence that is iad sufficient to enlighten and oe the Members of that House ; and we would in conclusion remind Honow- able and facetious Members who may be inclined to eye or or imitate OsBORNE and R, that “it is an ill bird that dirties its own nest.” It will be a fair day for England when che can feel as proud of the work done and the speeches spoken within the walls of Pastiamnont as of the works painted upon those walls, with all their deficiencies; and we must protest equally against being committed to the histories of Sm Gzorce Bowyer, and ‘the esthetics of Mx. Bernat OsBorwe. have all faded from the walls long Sing off already—“ Cordelia they were almost invisi

A LADY’S RIDDLE. “Dear Mr. Puncu, Brompton Square. “Gracious knows I am in no temper to be amusing but here is a riddle which may shame a Brute, I mean of course, a Aus husband. “* What is the difference between me and Lorp Paterson ? “Why, last Wednesday he was at a delightful Whitebait Dinner at Greenwich, and I wasn’t. “ Let a wretch’s conscience and my old bonnet say why. “ Yours truly, “ An Oppressep Wire.”

CAUTION TO EXPLOSIVE PEOPLE. By the Gunpowder Act, which comes into operation on the 31st of August, it is enacted that :-— “No person shall throw, cast, or fire any squib, serpent, rocket, or other fire- works, in or into any thoroughfare, or public place, under the penalty of five pounds for every offence.” If the above Act, which seems to be a death-blow aimed at the repu- tation of Gurpo Faux, i is strictly enforced, we look upon Mr. BeRwan OsporNE as a ruined man, for it stands to reason that no fortune can stand against a perpetual series of fines, if he has to pay £5 for every squib he flings about in the House of Commons, or elsewhere. BY only public gain may be that, thou h Mr. OsBoRNE may be ruined, still there oh ab nt gard to the “offence” he is so frequently guilty of ; for we conclude that, when he is no lox able to pay for his amuse- ment, the Hon. Member for Liskeard be locked up.

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| drama, it is true, and stic } ‘ e u | Grist has been great both as an actress and a singer, and indeed to my mind the very finest acting is not | a dramatic course of study, and if not t | which is not very funny, but is not at all coarse; and ( | look over any absence of the former. I feel inclined, moreover, to give a word of praise to Mr. ANDREWS, | from New | an | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A PIPER WORTH PAYING. | h oo . Cork wpe Mr. —- | ose now that the | 2as the pleasure of extracting a portion | overnment have had|° @ ger ever led him with -» Whitehait 1); |a variety of sensations us their Whitebeit eye ‘to mention. It may not be known to pr genta 7 a | Saxons that the beautiful city of Cork and it is ¢hat, and as for the girls, over, and Mz. Gra I Honora, excuse this wild ion think shows wisdom in | - : : closing Covent Garden | 2d be = Be still, thou flutter before his senatorial sup- | beart—but this is weakness)is governe orters have all left him. | Some way by a Mayor and a Council. o the man who has been | Lhe other day there was a meeting of jaded by six months of | this august gy to administer what ondon life, a partridge | }§ termed the “ Improvement Depart- has far more attractions | ment.” Gentlemen who are fortunate than a Parti: and were | ©20ugh, through their conjugalrelation, Grist to return for an. | t® be aware of what milliners used to cther final farewell, she |™ean by an improvement, will per- would stand but little | Ceive, shortly, how appropriate is the chance of competing | 24me of the Cork Committee of Public with the grouse. Having | Safety. ; ; no rival worth thinking The Mayor mite’, and various of, and keeping open | topics came under the notice of this house for four or five | Cork Parliament. A gentleman named nights every week, Mr. | SHEEHAN, perhaps an Englishman from Gye must have this year | his name, and from the icy calmness put money in his purse; | With which he discussed the subjects and since he spares no | Of debate, first relieved himself of his pains for the pleasing of impatience at not seeing in its place a the public, as one of | certain statue ordered on the previous : | Friday, and then proceeded :— grudge him his success. “Mr. SHEEHAN referred to a letter which “Next to Norma's | he had read at the Department at the pre- leave-taking, the débiit | Tritten'to hiss Uy sciergeman of the city. of La Sonnambula has | begging his influence to better the position been the feature of the | of the poor curates, and have some bye-law season, and her perform- enacted against the wearing of Crinoline, as ance bids fair aural pro- | ‘he writer had only £60 a-year, and his OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. HER PoncHE,—I sup- 4) Se craranaanap to ais . 4 Sassasemmsr)\ 3 fimanen Sy ee \ them I certainly can’t {i : or Ie ay ree a ete daughter was putting him to enormous ex- | mise for the next. Will | pense by her indulgence in the present in- | she ever equal Grist? | fiated style of dress. Now, continued Mz. is a, question I hear | Satan, 1900 eb gentleman says bedide —, —_ *pe my rt we 0. As anaiie and fetes Wester. = , ’ ; own pi sho never (Laughter. t’s a shame, sir, I say, ve dream of putting. She is of a far too delicate physique to play in what is termed ‘grand opera’ with — we i awg leg, 4 ro BS pred suitable effect ; and although her voice and figure have by no means reached maturity, one can’t fancy | 0740"? (¢ SAV F 8 8 Boa ave cnle | r : = . | notice of motion about it. To have only they will ever attain té Grist growth. I only hope she won’t be spoilt by the overpraise she gets, and | £60 a-year, and to have their daughters beg- jc - will not sg her — and vulgarise her ays by sin too —— of : e ey wd Traviata | garing them with their hoops. (Order, order.” school of music. They say Grist’s voice is worn, and so no doubt it is, for has she not been using it | . for more than thirty seasons? I only hope if I hear Parrt take her final farewell in 1891, her voice | The mutinous cry _was followed up t) may sound as sweetly as did Gnist’s t’ other day, when twelve thousand came to Sydenham to be | ye ee present at her leave- 7 ) : i j “ Of course one can’t pieese sroghedy, and I think I hear old Grow1er grumbling at my impudence Pe ee ee in writing about the opera, seei at my letters are professedly dramatic. Well, the opera is not the . : i feklers or mere words may therefore find some fault with me. But surely | Na Ee ce ice net To take pert in an opera requires not less a musical than Snow Se wane 28 + pple =dhog hest it is clearly the most difficult form of footlight art. A Bat Mz. Guunmas squashed him at prima donna has not merely to learn the words, and study the fit bearing of a part, but she must likewise | the = Brg sy sq a commit to heart the music of it, and in the swing and torrent of her passion must mind her sharps | “© S2°F*€S* é and flats, her pianos and her fortes, and never be a beat behindhand with a note. “Mr. SHEEHAN (excitedly). It has, Scorr. | “Tn this age of fast farces and degenerate burlesques, it is but seldom that one gets the sight of a| 1 say it is most inhuman me Rg ey = be new comedy ; and although that at the Haquesket is not, strictly speaking, “new ” (albeit the playbill | Sp!e throne toe ery thems, so that peorke | so declares it), there is certainly some novelty in seeing a translation from the Freuch done in five acts. | can’t pass. (Laughter.)” The piece is neatly written, and cleansed from aught unsavoury there may be in the original ; and as the | five acts only occupy two hours and a quarter, one surely cannot well complain that they are tedious.| Then a Mr. Exam endeavoured | seldom to be seen upon the operatic stage. he hi a | contrast, a while since, there appeared on the ‘ off’ _ a Transatlantic lady, who played Rosalind as Mr. Cuartes Matuews and his wife make up most becomingly in the costume of the period of Louis THE Firreents; and this ancient date is marked by My Lord and My Lady having married ‘ for conve- nience ;’ a thing which in high life one knows has aoe since been extinct. Mr. BucksTone has a part or the absence of the latter quality I can willingly ork, who plays a monkeyish French valet with much excellent grimacing, and yet without attempt to make too much of a small ’ “At the Princess’s, Mr. t—otherwise known as M. Fecuter—still continues to attract. When I looked in the other evening there was scarcely a stall vacant. Some people may doubt if it be praise to say so, but his is a performance which seeing bit by bit, and I think that one enjoys it all the more for doing so. Well-nigh every line has its appropriate look or gesture, and very many of the points are so ully minute that one’s attention need Ee fresh to appreciate them properly. As no one but a Yankee-ess could play her. Certain of the critics objected to her dress, as being far less fit for SHaxsreare than for a burlesque. But I think her costume suited her conception of the character ; for in calling women ‘ wimmun,’ and saying ‘linnimunts’ for lineaments, she clearly showed she was burlesquing the part that SHaksPEARE wrote. “One Wuo Pays.” to put down the energetic Mr. SHEE- | HAN, but the exhemp Exuam had | no chance. In answer to his sugges- | tion that such matters were not for the Department of Pipes, responded— “Mr. SHEEHAN (warmly). I say they are, Sir. I say they are. (Order, .) It is most unnatural for those ladies to be going through the streets with such things on. (Oh, oh, order, order, and laughter.) I know it, Sir. ' I know it. I have eight daughters myself wearing hoops, so I’m more connected with | them than they. (Laughter and uproar.) Eight daughters! If those young ladies inherit their father’s straight- | forwardness, earnestness of purpose, | and good sense, Mr. Punch deeply re- | grets that he has not eight sons of | Al pAAs Retna nadee. ~mnhyys

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| prestige, to quote a word from the vocabulary of humbug, of the Pore | our } | in his attempt to subjugate the people of England. Aveust 10, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. marriageable age, for in those two cases he would present the eight young gentlemen with sixteen tickets, eight return, and eight single, and pack them off by this night’s rail with orders to_come back with | each of the eight Misses SHzzwan as a Mrs. Fitz-Puncu, or not to| oth yt aig further tyrannical } | ‘here were some er ical attempts to stop the oratory o Mr. Punch’s possible Connediem,. but he had said hs say, and the | Council, w' may be as Sat Upon, humbly proceeded to dance to its own Pipes. More power to your respectable elbow, Mr. SHEEHAN, and here ’s Inck to Sir, and to the young ladies, and its proud Cork ought to be of haymg such a Councillor. A ROD IN PICKLE. ECENTLY in the House of Commons, the House having gone into Commit- tee upon the Statute Law Revision Bill, Mr. Hen- wessy, according to the reported debate, said that as the Bill was intended to repeal useless and obsolete laws, he thought the Ecele- siastical Titles Act might well be included amo GOYON AND DE MERODE. @ Lav of Leicester Square. Ah! ’ave a you eerd ze news wheech ’ave occur joost now ? Mownsicnor Ds Mférope wiz Goyon ’ave von row. Générat demand, and Monsienor deny, Surrender of Zouave for some offence to try. To Gévirat Gorow, of Monsignor Méropz, Ze ansare, in Inglees exprased, vas “‘ You be blowed ; I vill a not give op ze unfortunate to you : Your mastére ees von rhog, von ombog; and von doo Ze Géintrat Goron, to hear zis bad language Spoke of Napoxion, flew into von great rage ; * Aha!” he ery, “ze coat protects you what you wears, Else I wode give you two great boxes on ze ears. “Take off your priestly robbs which keeps your shoulders warm, And I of Général will change ze uniform Zat now on your honneur I ’ave inflicted stain, I may you render satisfaction on ze plain.” 1»? Monsicnor DE Minope replied, “ You’ll me excuse; Ze offer to aceept, for why | most refuse.” “ Monsigwok DE Mérope,” say Géytrat Goron, “To me it plain appears zat you are von poltron. them; and, Sm G. Lewis having, im answer, observed that the motion | of the Hon. Gentleman par- took rather of the nature of a practical joke than a| serious motion, perenpon | the gallant crusader,— “ Sin G. Bowyer asked whe- ther any one could point out | what practical effect the Ecclesi- astical Titles Act had had. (Hear, hear.) If an act which had never had, and never would have any force, was not an obso- lete Act, he did not know what —— was one.” It is not at all difficult to point out to Srx Grorce Bowyzr what | practical effect has resulted from the Ecclesiastical Titles Act. The | and his priesthood, was shaken by the enactment of that measure. Many people were at ory from turning papists, who, had it not assed, would have thought it had been defeated by gM —_ 1im beaten ut who lost their 1 by the British Public. The progress of the Italian revolution was | d there is reason to suppose that the | probably much accelerated by, an emancipation of Italy has been in no small measure owing to, the | spectacle of the self-styled suecessor of St. Peter opposed and baffled ~— in the Porz when they saw ical effect had been likely to be produced by the Ecclesi- | no astieal Tities Act, why did Honourable Gentlemen of Sir GEORGE | BowyEr’s persuasion so violently endeavour to arrest its progress in | the Aet which he considers obsolete will have quite force enough for | the purpose which it was meant to serve. whose entire globe contains nothing but water.— George C—ksh—k. the other in Boston. the House of Commons? Why did the Porn’s Brass Band trumpet | inst it so furiously, and why, as Mr. Hennessy, or any other one | of them, might say im a national form of speech, do they still keep | harping on the same string ? Eeclesiastical Titles Act will doubtless be a dead letter, so long | _ as Roman Catholic Bishops confine themselves to minding their theo- | logieal business. Let any of them endeavour, like some of their foreign | brethren, to foment sedition, and then, if they cease to be contemptible, | and me dangerous, Six Georce Bowysr will probably find that | ADVICE TO THE INTEMPERATE. Ir you wil] “drink like a fish,” let it be then like the gold fish, | j DONE IN A MINUTE! “Ze boxes of your ears vat causes you no pain, Since as you zem accept zey mo i Behold, you see ze tip of zis extended toe ; Conceive zat you arrest ze kick I make just so!” MonsicNnor DE Méropsr did zereupon retreat, Like von small dog wiz tail between his hinder feet, Ze soldier of him claimed surrender by-and-by, And seat him down to eat von plate of omble pie. MAY DIFFERENCE OF OPINION NEVER ALTER COLLABORATION. Ovr excellent contemporary the Daily Telegraph, published on the ultimate day of July a biography of a Duke just deceased, and also an eloquent leading article on the same individual. Desiring to complete wires of the character of the departed, we could wish to know which of the articles, published simultaneously, is to be accepted as truthful. For, lo! Biography. Lzading Article. | ** Extravagant he was, certainly ; over- “* His life was pre-eminently a mean, | bearing he may have been ; but he was, shabby, and sh one. He muddled at all events, in prosperity brave and away his millions as though they had been the rents of a coalshed. * * * Had there been anything noteworthy, | Foyer mers rns se hischaracter, | he w not so entirely into As the Cabman remarked to the ladies and gentleman in Pickwick, when all gave him contradictory orders as to the door at which he was to stop, “All I say is, settle vich it is.” ; But if collaborateurs differ, contemporaries differ almost as widely. | generous, with all his faults.” | The Telegraph observes :— ** The town rang with indignation when he not only overpowered his son and heir | into cutting off the entail of the estates, and robbing him and his seed for ever for the parent’s folly and the creditors’ greed, but absolutely prosecuted him for perjury before a court of justice, when he denied having signed a certain deed, which, like a | hundred others, was given him in all haste to subscribe to, not to examine. The | host of eminent witnesses who were proud to accompany Lorp CaaNpos into court— | Lorp BrovcHam, the Provost or Eton, &c. &c.—was sufficient proof of the son's | character, and the father’s character was made evident to all men by the fact that | his son stood at the bar on such a base charge—that son whom the fatlier’s creditors | so trusted that they made him receiver of the estates, a post which enabled him to | live comfortably—even luxuriously—had he not out of his income supported the | man who prosecuted him !” The Morning Chronicle says :— ‘* Warm-hearted and hospitable in former days, and honest and just in the hour of difficulty, the late Duke willingly allowed his estates to be sequestered, so that his creditors might be paid in full. In this effort he was honourably seconded by | his only son, the Marquis or CHANDOs, as our readers are aware. The present Duke, remarkable for his business habits, must, ere long, be in possession of an income caleulated to support his dukedom. As opinions opposite to these facts | Two negro newspapers are now published, one in New York, and Of course, they are printed in black letter ? | Tue One Great Tutve tHat HAs Passep ruts Sxssion.—Passing RD JOHN into the House of Lords. have been very generally entertained, it is only fair to the memory of the late Duke | that this statement should go abroad.” Again we must revert to the language of the excellent Pickwickian | cabman, and say “Settle vich it is.” We ought to have no erasures in our Golden Book.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 10, 1861. END OF THE SESSION. Mr. Bull. “So THe WORKMEN ARE OUT AT LAST! PLENTY OF Suavines, Mr. Pam, BUT MIGHTY LITTLE Work, I’m aFrarn.” A SHORT WAY WITH SECULARISTS. We congratulate the partisans of absolute squirearchy on the verdict of that calaidonel Devonshire Special Jury, which, at the last Exeter Assizes, in the case BrapLAuGH v. Epwarps, awarded the Plaintiff, | who sued the Defendant for assault and false imprisonment, the lowest amount of damages which they could legally give him. The assault consisted in a seizure of the necktie, and a pressure of knuckles into the throat, by Policemen acting under the orders of the Defendant, their superintendent. The imprisonment included five hours in an underground cell, without fire or light, in the month of March, and lasted from Sunday till Monday morning. It was, therefore, an injury for which a British Jury, more jealous of the liberty of the subject than zealous for the authority of justices, would have ordinarily given heavy damages. The Devonshire Jury gave Mr. Brapiaveu one farthing. | The fact was, that BrapLavGH was not only one of those fellows who ought to be put down, but he was one of those fellows who ought to be put down without any ceremony or standing upon niceties of law. This fellow, BrapLaven, who calls himself “ Teonoclast,”’ is a secular lecturer. He was collared and walked off to the station-house by the direction of Mr. Epwarps, the Plaintiff, out of a field which he was about to deliver a secularistical lecture in, and which he had hired for that purpose. Mr. Epwarps had previously, instructed by the Magis- trates, prevented him from lecturmg in Devonport Park, a place in which he had no business but what the authorities chose to grant him. They could not legally exclude him from the field which he had hired so their officer, Mx. Epwaros, strained the law a point for them, and did it illegally, at the small cost of one farthing, and legal expenses, which he not, of course, have personally to defra; The lecture which Mr. BrapLavcH meant to alive, had he been permitted, would, there is every reason to believe, have formed an | 1 the cé exposition of opinions much the same as those put forward in Essays | special jury. that heterodox work Convocation could only venture grounds for proceeding to synodical judgment. from pronouncing ju Phare | ve and Reviews. to decide that there were | It availed itself of an excuse to s | thereon. The gong: 3 which Convocation thus displayed must ha been very painfal to the | Magistracy and Constabulary who rush in where Divines fear to tread, and take an “ Iconoclast” into custody ; and they doubtless feel equally reassured by the healthy spirit of dogmatism which must have actuated a Jury that virtually sanctioned them in doing so. .Mr. Epwarps’s Policemen caught Mr. Braptaven by his tie, and dug their knuckles into his neck. Mr. BrapLAuGH is a layman, and his tie may bea black one, or a bird’s-eye for aught we know. Is there no Constable, likewise, ready to seize hold of the white tie of any or every clerical | writer in Essays and Reviews? Cannot the Rev. RowLanp WiLLiaMs, D.D., Vice-Principal and Professor of Hebrew, St. David’s College, Lampeter, Vicar of Broad Chalke, Wilts, be collared like Mr. Brap- LAUGH, by the Police, and conveyed summarily to Quod, at the charge of one farthing only, instead of costing the BisHor or Satispury |a mint of money for his prosecution, and perhaps getting off after all? Hurrah for the orthodox reaction which perhaps is commencing! It |is by no means enough that every man shall be responsible to a court of law for the expression of his theological opinions. Fellows who go | about lecturing, and inculeating views the assertion of which may or may not be unlawful and punishable, must have their mouths stopped jat once. This object is to be effected by the Policeman with his | grasp on the lecturer’s “choker.’”’ Thus, and not by a tedious and | expensive trial, to say nothing of argument, should the preachers of | | unbelief be silenced: as they are at Devonport, and might SS been at | | Naples in the time of Bompa. The Magistrates becoming judges of | controversy, and the Policemen enforcing their decrees, the office of ustice of the peace will become a holy office indeed, and the constabu- | ley will rise into familiars of a British Inquisition. This consumma- | | tion most devoutly to be wished, will at least result from the prevalence of that superiority to vulgar solicitude for freedom of discussion which, | in the case of BrapLAUGH v. EpwARDs, was signalised by a Devonshire ——————— | A Man of High Family. Ir is not generally known that M. Bronprn is connected with one of | enemies of free theological discussion, Pro- | the most illustrious families of the English Peerage. The great funam- | portionally cheering to that intelligent party must be the boldness of a| bulist is confidently asserted to be a scion of the House of Somerset. Printed by William Brad! Printers, at their Office in Lom Satunpar, August !0, 1861. » of No. 13, U; Woburn bard Street, Place, and d Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars,; i. the City of London, and Published Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park, both in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the Voy > Bey nn by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Biide, in the Cit Td BAe Tee

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Aveusr 17, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. nn " te ot, “yy fi WV ff nal THE CIVIL WAR “Mr. Puncn, Sir, “* Charleston, July 26, 1861. ; “T HAVE proposition to make. Your valuable journal, world wide reputation, t influence ought to have, like other papers, Special Correspondent at Seat of War. Iam the man In short, War Correspondent by nature. If you accept my offer I will telegraph my letters to St. Johns, N.B., whence they will be forwarded to you vid steamer—thus you will obtain details ahead of all rivals. Of course in sending communications over the wires, I must be as concise as ble, to save time and expense, which may produce a certain twitch- mess of style, to this however you may not object. Accompanying letter specimen of my style :— “ Am now in Charleston, very centre of Secessionism. Was told in North I should be able to get neither lodging nor food in this city ; How absurdly things are exaggerated at distance. Found little or no difficulty in securing fair portion of billiard table on which I sleep quite comfortably ; a little inconvenient in the morning, to be sure, when they commence pool, for although they have no right to play at my end before 7 o'clock, still it is almost impossible to prevent balls flying about occasionally. Gentleman, this morning made winning hazard off back of my head, but they would not let it count, which I was not sorry for on whole, stroke unintentional I know, but billiard balls hard, and human nature weak, particularly about lower part back of head. As for food live on clover, or something confoundedly like it, call it gumbo, have it three times a-day. Yesterday dined off split chicken, looked like arms of Austria broiled. For breakfast they serve us species of vulcanised pancake, known I think (mind, only think, so if mistaken do not set me down as another Mr. ARRowkoot, of Times correspondence notoriety), known I think, as corn-dodgers, or flap-jack. One elastic substauce served up with treacle, so as to resemble blister, is I know called Buckwheat cake. “To-day witnessed one of institutions of country in its most striking aspect. Public Bar Room at Free Lunch time. Most Drinking-saloons of any eminence, spread lunch table from 11 to 1 o'clock, every one who chooses comes in, eats as much as he likes, and pays nothing. About 12 o’clock dropt into ‘Gem,’ great crowd people there, eating, g, smoking, ing. ge table set out; boiled beef, satan soup, gumbo, i fish, cheese, crackers, and bre Gen tlemanly barkeeper mixing drinks in highly artistic manner, pourin liquid from one tumbler to another in Sieabilic curve over his heed - | that effect). Agreeably surprised at dignity and decorum with ! i | | | 3 IN AMERICA. General hum of conversation, in which the words ‘ Secession,’ ‘South- | ern Confederation.’ ‘No how you can fix it,’ ‘that long, slab-sided, nigger-stealing son of a gun, ABE Lincotn.’ ‘No sirree hoss !’ most frequently heard. Shuffling of feet, clinking of ice in huge pitchers, &c. | Works of Art adorn walls—female figures in high style of undress most patronised. Spittoons as large as bushel baskets generously dis- tributed over marble floor, easy chairs in all directions—gentlemen | sitting on shoulder-blades. Accompanying drawing faithful repre- | sentation of scene. } ; sa “ Charleston picturesque old city—quite classic ground—has a ruin somewhere— cndeoaull blown up several years ago. People of | Charleston talk about their antiquities—one house eighty years old. | | Several fine hotels, two or three excellent churches, and very nice | arsenal. Voluminous market place, well supplied with o squash, umpkins, peanuts, pop corn, yams, squirrels, robins, clams, &c. Mutton and beef not very abundant, South Carolina having seceded from butcher’s meat. City Hall a neat little edifice. Post Office somewhere in church. There is good deal of sea, and bay, and water of one kind and another round about, with several forts in it and on it, Good esplanade, called White Point Garden—walks macadamised with peppermint lozenges, or sea-shells, don’t know which, anyway beautiful effect. “ State of Society, generally, very much disorganised. Bodies armed men patrol streets night. Everyone armed to teeth, if they have teeth ; very often have not in this country, in which case, armed to upper lip or organ of philoprogenitiveness. Have been arrested five times, brought before vigilance committee, suspicious ¢ 1 Was I? where did I come from? &c. &c. Stated was personal friend of Mr. Punch, Special Correspondent.—All right, let_off immediately. Mr. Punch greatly respected here, next to GENERAL WASHINGTON. _ * Attended grand caucus last ye ory demonstration. Princi- pal speaker burst all buttons off shirt front, said if Northern States would only contract to carry the mails as usual, and supply them with ice, poultry, hay, and firearms, South Carolina would never surrender, rather perish ! Batriot’s grave better far than something else—patriot’s everything better than over aes else, nothing like patriots, in fact every man not patriot ought to have his head punched (or Pyar Ww. meeting was conducted—only one fight, and that attended with no fatal results—wounded man walked down street next day, expected to ter, who VOL. XLI. H

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64 _PUNOH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr'17, 1861. recover. Southerners coresialy very gentlemanly men, should feel more at ease in their society if they di about, don’t see how theymanage it. I only wear two, one up my back other down leg of pants, and small revolver in breast pocket, still find it inconvenient in sitting down,-—feel as if I had received ticket to | Orthopedic Institution, and been very thoroughly treated. “However, I hope to avoid any unpleasant feeling by carefully con- forming to customs of country, am conforming continually, consequence _ already call me Jua—drink ‘stone walls’ and a ‘General Jackson’ before breakfast. After breakfast met Jupez K16, invited me to ‘smile,’ and we smiled ; pre- dn’t carry quite so many bowie knives | | to is, am Reotien very popular—great number of distinguished persons | with every one; this morning took two | | sently joined by Deacon Masox, smiled again (in this land you can | smile, and not cocktails,’ two “gin slings,’ one ‘ buttered rum,’ and a ‘moral suasion ’ by lunch time ; obliged to do it in order to maintain social position. ind am getting a po , me post of Judge of Supreme Court, ‘when things got fixed up a bit ; ’ informed him I knew nothing of law: replied it was of ‘no conse- quence,’ ‘had I common sense?’ I thought I had; he considered that quite sufficient, I was ‘just the man they wanted.’ = “Negroes less prevalent than I anticipated, not very industrious class of people, Fn to occupy themselves chiefly sitting on barrels, corroding ears of boiled corn, exhibiting rows of teeth that look like keys of piano. Dreadful fall in by, 1 — a ‘Niggers aint worth what sentiment. Head cause ; told me he had severe loss, three months was worth fifteen hundred dollars, now would not ‘sell for more seven hundred. Freemiggers go about streets trying to sell them- selves in order to realise-before civil war breaks out. will be no secession for long. North will cut off supply of ‘ice, Southerners will have mone to make mint juleps, whole South in -a state of Ancient Marimer, have to cave in, and there will be an end of this estrapede. Once more le will soar above prostrate body of defeated-anarchy. Lion will lie down with lamb, everything O.K.* “‘Palking of customs of country, I wish you would publish necon- pening any of QOonerxreL Bi proprietor of avilion Hotel. 7 barkeeper, and Mr. Ke.uy, gentlemanly porter of hotel. attentions quite usual, I assure you, custom -of country. Hope you will not allow yo to be influeneed by any absurd preconceived they wos,’ general prejudices agamst puffing, if so it will seriously embarrass private arrangements of ie | Yours, “ GoRILLA.” [We have received 1376 applieations from gentlemen residing in America, each omen offering to become our War Correspondent. We will see about it ; but at same timejit.is.doubtful whether we shall want any War Correspondent util | there is a war.—2Bd. Punch. | B Pinte | PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. A Storm of £10 notes set in with unprecedented severity immediate]; upon the appearance of Mr. Punch’s intimation that the reason why he cut short his Parliamentary narrative last week might be learned b) means of such enclosures. It would be manifestly unjust to his cor- respondents did he publicly reveal a secret which they were invited to purchase ; but for the satisfaction of ~ per ee has a memo- randum of the faets, and has deposited it in the Record Office, where it may be inspected any day between 10 and 4 after the Ist January, 1999. The Index word is “ Weyze-Goose.” concluding days of the Session offered little that deserves im mor- talisation. Chief Judge clause would be introduced in the next Session. Lorp Paumerston stated that he did not think that the § retain permanent possession of Tetuan, but that he using it only as a screw to get money out of the iards meant to Oors. oly eity of Rome.” Lorp Suarressury finished Session by one of those deeds which incline Punch often to forgive him j tyranny over Lord Patmenston in the bishop-making He obtained an address for inquiry into the condition of | the children who are employed in a variety of trades that do not come under the aetion of existing restrictions. And when it is known “— - are workec | twelve and fourteen hours a day, it will be thought that it is almost | for his-sprritual riment. some of these trades imfants of four and five years old | time to protect them against the greed of parents and of employers. | ‘The Gabwa y business was again brought forward, and Lorp Patmmr- | * O.K. in the American language, stands for “‘all correct,” or “,orl korrect.”’ be a villam), result was, I drank three ‘ brandy | pular; met GoveRNor Pickens to-day, offered | | Mr. Scurzy had iggers recently (will rise by-and- | y opinion is, | RONZE, Also portraits of Jam Syooxensack, gentlemanly | These little The Lorp CHancetior took an opportunity of informing | | the Lords that the Bankruptcy Bill, with all its matilations, would be | of great service to the commercial world, and that he had no doubt the | lieved they were e also } ex himself very strongly upon the atrocities of the brigands of Naples, and hoped that “those wretches would shortly meet with their ust punishment ” notwithstanding that they were sent out from “‘the his work for the | +3 , : | Bring me a quart of claret, man, the wine thou vauntest so.” ston thought that much was to be said in favour of giving the Company another chance. He has made the discovery that Galway is, geogra- hically, the most central port in the West of Ireland, and so forth. he Government is unpopular in the green isle, and if a dissolution should now take place, the Tories would grab a good many seats. But the Prince’s visit, to be followed by one from the Queen, and the | announcement that the claims of Galway will be favourably regarded, | may do something for the Administration, and the ConstaBiE (who by | the way is shortly to be presented with his staff upon the Heights) is wide awake to the exigencies of the crisis. To another and more im- portant exigency he also proposes to show himself equal. The States whose forces sustained on the Eighth Sunday after Trinity, last past, | the most remarkable defeat that has been inflicted on me iers since America was discovered, have devised a curious inistrative plan. | They declare blockades of ports, but propose to levy customs by means of ships that are to sail out and intercept customers. is is a bit of bold mgenuity, but Lorp Patmerston is blind to its cleverness, declares it preposterous, and will not permit English vessels to recog- nise the absurdity. We may hear more of this difference of opinion | between a Premier and a President. There ‘has not been much else worth note, and the Commons, like the audience in other theatres, were played out with a stupid farce. was shut up by the Black Rod, on began a speech on the wrongs of Ireland, «when he Tuesday, August 6th, Parsee ‘Auraen’s birthday, -when Prince )ALFRED’s Mamma sent the following message, «which«was delivered | waiterat hotel weeping bitterly at breakfast, inquired | in the silver tones of the new Loxp CHANCELOR : My Lorps anp GENTLEMEN, The Session done, You have your QuEEN’s free leave:to eut-anderun : For serviees, from alld and ran’ Your Sovereign tenders you her heartiestthautks. With foreign powers she’s on good terms, just now, And trusts there ‘ll be no European row. Italia has elected to unite Under Kine Vicror’s sway. Mayil go right! In Yankeedom is raised the battle-ery : We mean to,put no finger in thatipie. The Powers have quashed that horrid*Syrian riot, Withdrawn their troops, and hope for peace and quiet. India’s improving hugely, and expresses Hope to be lifted from financial messes. Betovep Commons, oe Thankfully is noted The willingness with which the Tin was voted. My Lorps anp GENTLEMEN, The Quuen reveres The noble spirit of the Volunteers. Gladly she wills the measure that allots The forfeit seats of two most wieked spots. Gladly she wills the Bill (my Bill) that deals Justice where now the Bankrupt Harpy. steals. And gladly welcomes (not before its time) Consolidation of the Law of Crime. Henceforth, the Indian with well-tutored mind May serve his Sovereign in the Bast, hell find. You’ve treated properly, the ene is’sure, Harbours ; and Sea Tolls; and the Settled Poor. Nor can She pass unmarked the striking fact That you have passed a decent Drainage Act. Pleased, she beholds throughout her wide domain Order, contentment, and obedience reign. Now to your Counties. Do your duties-there, (The Speech concluded withthe usual prayer.) Then the great Punch, with quiet smile, drew out his golden pen, Jotted these diamond paragraphs, admired of gods and men ; Then called unto Pests, “Ho, Wimi1am Giapstone, ho! The wine was brought by Giapstonz, and the cup was held by Pa, And the new Earl, Joun RussExt, begged permission to:stand Sam, Which Punch, the ever-affable, gave JouNNY leave, to do, And bade Sir Rounpent Pater show his science with the Screw. Out blobbed the cork, out gurgled fast the wine so freshand cool, _ “Who loves not woman, wine, and song,” saith Latimer, “isa fool.” This quoted Punch, then heaving up the goblet, with a wink, (The beaded bubbles winking, too, upon the peaind brink), — ‘ I’d-drink,” she eried, “‘ to Woman, and I ’d-sing-to her beside, ‘But at this present speaking I am better occupied.’ CF) ee eee ee ]

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| ome oerrr TS |i} Avevst 17, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDO N CHARIVARL. Then throwing back his Jove-like head, the proud Immortal poured Adown his throat the wine which like a mountain cataract roared, Nor paused he till the goblet he reared loftily on high, Reversed, had turned its bottom to the everlasting sky. Some drops remained, which Punch, whose wit no coarseness e’er may sully, Flung as libation in the face of Mx. Viscent Scuuty. | Then, with a condescending nod that filled their hearts with glee, (Snch power have the Celestials), ““ Ha, 1’m better, boys,” said he. “Here shuts the Session ’s chronicle, here ends the Tale of Talk, The sixth of August is a day I mark with whitest chalk, And truly glad am I to think that with these words is Donz ‘Tux Essence oF tne Pammament or Hicurern Sixty One.” FINERY IN THE KITCHEN. WE lately called attention to the fact that English maid- servants have not the very best of education in the world, and that ladies would do well, when they en a pretty | china-breaker, to ascertain that she has not a pupil | at a day-school, where more regard is paid to Crinoline than cleanliness, and where pocket handkerchiefs are held | of less account tham peacock-feathered porkpie hats. This mania for fine dresses is a sadly growing evil, and ill- | educated minds of course are most affected by it. Man a servant squanders her savings in cheap finery, and spends | on Sunday shawls and bonnets what would well fur- | nish her a cottage when she married, or at least afford | some shelter against a ramy day. Instead of having fore- | thought for feathering their nests, gels too often only | think of feathering themselves, and by — far too finely for their station, they affright the homely lovers | they are amxious to attract. How far ladies are to blame for the finery and aped | gentility of servants, is a question which, if asked, stands little chanee of beimg amswered, except by misogynic monsters who are to sneer at the fair sex. -| Woman, say the cynies, is am imitative ani and if a | | servant sees her mistress extravagant in dress herself | | becomes infected with the mania, and makes herself ridi- | culous by giving it full vent. Hiavmg neither taste nor money to turn it to advantage, she takes a leaf out of the | fashion book on which her mistress pins her faith; and walks out of a Sunday like a daw'im peacock’s plumage, or a Swelless in burlesque. 4 O£ course, except to Fashion, Britons and | Britonesses never never ‘slaves: and now-a-days our servants:are by far too independent to submit to any law | for their sumptuary restraint. It is a pity, nevertheless, ~| that we have not a national costume for our domestics, as | =| we have for our QuEEN’s Ministers and servants of the | = State. Our pretty china-breakers would look a vast deal | | prettier in suitable attire, than they do now in mock seme | millinery and Brummagem glass brooches, and cheap cotton | imitations of costly foreign silks. We women live for each other—that is, for the love of criticism of each other. AN ANSWER TO CORRESPONDENTS. | Some years ago, English notions of expediency induced the authorities of London to execute a certain Scottish gentleman of title. Since that | time opinions have been a good deal modified, and the individual in | question is now regarded as a patriot, not only in his own country, but | in that of the posterity of those who put him to death. There the | matter might have rested, unanimous sentence being given in favour of the deceased, and his place in history being assigned him. He was a | very brave, rather ferocious, and oceasionally successful retarder of the | process of omalguuetiin whiek has fused Scotland and England into | the single nation which now leads the World. However, certain Seots think that more ought to be done, and have resolved on erecting a memorial tower to the personage in question. This is their affair, and not that of the southern portion of the island. Mr. Puach might not have alluded to the business at all, but from his having received a put number of letters. from Seotland, a few of a taunting character ut not amusing eno to be reprinted, while the large majority call on hin as a Brither t to “walk into this absurdity.” Now, he cannot exactly walk into it, it is not yet built, and for the reason above-mentioned, he does not intend to walk into the artificers. He prefers to let justice be done in the matter by Scotsmen themselves. Ho! doomster! He answers his correspondents from the Land of Cakes by the following paragraphs. are written in Edinburgh, and publiclied in Inverness, so may be taken as the sentiments of the Capital of the Lowlands, and of the Capital of the Highlands :— “ Stands. Scotland where it did? Has. it been raised on the wings of patriotic enthusiasm high into the empyrean, into the seventh heaven, or has it merely reached, th the efforts of a few busybodies, the lowest elevation known as a fool’s paradise is more surprising than the realisation of the so-called ‘National’ Wallace Monument, for I have never yet seen or heard of anybody who approves of it, except, of course, Dr. Rocers. Everybody seems to laugh at and dicule the affair, yet a large sum of money has been scraped together, and the wonder is not the amount is small, for even so poor a nation as the Scotch, but that so much should have been screwed together by a few eager enthusiasts, who have as much right. to be considered representatives of the nation as the three Tooley Street tailors. It has always been a marvel to me that the good sense of the ese has not to strangle in its birth this most ridiculous of ridiculous mice. here seems to be no one felicitous or redeeming feature in the case—the idea, the site, the proceedings throughout, all seem equally unhappy. The idea seems on all hands admitted to be a useless mistake, and the localisation of the idea is perhaps | the greatest part of the mistake. To be nati 1, the t (if | there must be) should have been grander in conception, and conducted by more | influential hands—by a body which really would cave represented the Scottish | nation, and not only the Stirling portion of it.” In another article the same unshrinking writer alludes to the cere | monial of the laying the first stone. He speaks of “that magnificent | piece of tomfoolery, the Wallace monument,” ‘* Begun amidst all the petty festive demonstrations of country masonic lodges and frce gardeners. This gigantic mistake and useless: commemoration is much more likely to cause the lion to turn pale that all the sneers of the Times. A noted denouncer of humbug, whose signature of ‘RaNpDOLPH’ is well kown to readers of the Scotsman as a sure token of something at once racy, pict que, and ibl suggests that the Wallace Monument should be immediately followed by erections tothe memory of Noau on Mount Ararat, and of NeBucHaDNEZzaR on the irrigated meadows near this city! Those personages he conceives to stand in need of com- | memoration as much as WALLACE.” And the Scotsman, as even southern readers need hardly be informed, is the Edinburgh journal which expresses Scottish opinion in the most | reliable manner. Jr. Punch may therefore conclude, first, that he has completely answered his Correspondents, and concludes, secondly, his respectful reply by a quotation from a great English poet :— ** Ye Powers wha mak’ mankind your care, And dish them out their bill of fare, Auld Scot!and wants na skinkling ware.” In Omne Volubilis. ** Mr. Soutty, amidst cries of ‘Oh, Oh!’ was nent to draw attention to the condition of Ireland when he was interrup' by the black-rod.”—Times, Aug. 6. Wnuat! you would have the last word, my Scuty, Till CiurrroRp’s black.rod stopped your clack ! What a pity, my true Irish Tuxty, - a That the rod wasn’t “birch,” ’stead of “black. Wuar Tae Accounts or THE Battie oF Manassas SHOULD BE Written on.—Flying Sheets !

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___ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

——} = —| —— —-

aft i (0 em A NICE GAME FOR TWO OR MORE. —— Fixinc HER EYES ON HIS, AND PLACING HER PRETTY LITTLE Foot ON THE BALL, SHE sAID, ‘Now, THEN, I aM GOING TO CROQUET

AA OVET ToOoT you!’ anpD CROQUET’D HE WAS COMPLETELY.” (From Rose to Emily.) THE RUN FROM MANASSAS JUNCTION.

YANKEE DoopLe went to war, On his little pony, What did he go fighting for, Everlasting goney! . Yankee Doodle was a chap Who bragged and swore tarnation, He stuck a feather in his cap, And called it Federation. Yankee Doodle, &c. Yankee Doodle, he went forth To conquer the Seceders, All the journals of the North, In most ferocious leaders, Breathing slaughter, fire, and smoke, Especially the latter, is rage and fury to provoke, And vanity to flatter. ankee Doodle, &c. Yankee Doodle, having floored, His separated brothers, He reckoned, his victorious sword Would turn against us others. Secession first he would put down Wholly and for ever ; And afterwards, from He Canada would sever. Yankee Doodle, &c. England offering pe nee ‘0 goose as well as er, Was what made ys hog Doodle cross, And did inflame his dander. ritain’s crowr,

As though with choler drunk, he fumed, And threatened vengeance martial, Because Old England had presumed To steer a course impartial. Yankee Doodle, &c. Yankee Doodle bore in mind, When warfare England harassed, How he, unfriendly and unkind, Beset her, and embarrassed ; He put himself in England’s place, And thought this injured nation Must view his trouble with a base Vindictive exultation. Yankee Doodle, &c. We for North and South alike Entertain affection ; These for negro Slavery strike : Those for forced Protection. Yankee Doodle is the Pot ; Southerner the Kettle : Equal morally, if not ‘ie of equal mettle. ankee Doodle, &ec. Yankee Doodle, near Bull’s Run, Met his adversary; First he thought the fight he’d won: Fact sieved quite contrary. Panic-struck he fled, with speed Of lightning glib with unction Of slippery grease, in full stampede, From famed Manassas Junction. Yankee Doodle, &c.

As he bolted, no ways slow, Yankee Doodle holloaed “We are whipped!” and fled, although No pursuer followed. Sword and gun right slick he threw Both away together, In his cap, to public view Showing the white feather. Yankee Doodle, &c. Yankee Doodle, Doodle, Do, _ Whither are you fiying, * A cocked-hat we ’ve been licked into, And knocked to Hades,” erying ? Well, to Canada, Sir-ree, Now that, by Secession, I am driven up a tree, To seize that there possession. Yankee Doodle, &c. Yankee Doodle, be content, You’ve had a lenient whipping; Court not further punishment By enterprise of strippin; Those neighbours, whom yon assail, They ’ll surely whip you hollow ; Moreover, when you’ve turned your tail, Won’t hesitate to follow. Yankee Doodle, &c.

Tue First Toinc THat Meets THE Eye | OF A TRAVELLER ON HIS Return Home.—Th | sight of a Bill.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Aveusr 17, 1861. 4 aot. a ? Htullo Brother Jonathan. yyy 1 ¥ ~\ hore are rice cull running Q),. ; id yi x ~ a ~ J “s LEG LAN hu! twinelo lake Canada, Esse (2 A £4 CZ LS “ For the outrage offered in the Queen’s Proclamation, the United States will possess itself of Canada.”—New York Herald.

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wh HCSs SE SZIbAGRE 35 F5.n OH S98n CSR ARR ECUEB aa ARES SESE ROR: Fite Seek last mnt use } rec cen I whi or “ 8S

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Aveust 17, -1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 69 THE GENERALISSIMO OF THE RUSSIAN FORCES. THE subjoined alarming piece of intelligence is contained in a letter | from Constantinople :— “ E 1 I my been power ee Benne eres ies comer ¥F o — a i | Grapes, has moved as far down as Skolanga, on the Pruth, ith an efficient force of | 12,000 men, comprising infantry, cavalry, and artillery.” Of all the Generals in the Russian service, the most redoubtable is Grass. He is also the oldest. Perer THE Great, when Genenat Grass his executor. 0 directed the cages of the Russian began the ‘war e Crimea. hed — was hi ed by the Davance NicHoias, who never took any politi itary step without Gznenat Grass. It is true that | ALEXANDER THE Second is reported to be a pacific sovereign, but | knowing what are the traditions of Russian policy, we cannot but | Tegard. with considerable apprehension any movement on the Pruth | which is directed by —— Grass, whose name is synonymous with annexation, and the seizure of territory, and everything else that he is | able to a hold of. | is made his celebrated will, e made cele It was really GenERAL Gnesee the South coven years ago. A MEDAL FOR THE MUSEUM. a oe is Silver, but Silence is Golden.” Students, not being much acquainted with the precious metals, may moh “feel ¢ the full force of ‘this Oriental saying. Yet doth Mr. Punch recommend his friend Mr. Panizzi to have the line engrave upon the tables of the ple Retling ng et it be written upon the screen whi his Spots neighbour, let the words be so that Ger sh shall perpetually nen the Eye of a talker, thereby t , persecu r, desires to do in rT manner, studied in the pk Powe school—that of Amc Our Reading Pavilion is a great thing, anda comfort to the literary soul, and more dear unto i than Young Memnon, or the Splitting the Fossil “Man, or the Stone Tortoise, or even the Four a Guinea Theseus. room is a room "wherein Mr. Punch a delight to sit,” for it is “an open room, and for fp, lo oa And the -readers, now that they vinta selves to the Quartier Crinoline, bring ‘not their bright to disturb stern research, are an ornament to the rotunda, and satenng of the atmosphere thereof. Many more — , in honour of that delectable abyss of lore, an and seized the e, reversed the ’probl em, Circle , and fortified the against all attempts to 4 for mummies, dried fish, moonsto south-sea island ‘clubs, ‘crocodiles, tertiary strata, and other instructive matters, ‘pea | which tired and’ listless children are and their weary ~ feet, and would gladly babble o’ green elds if they were not afrai of having their ears boxed. But it 1s not now that Mr. Punch hath to “Fae, praise ; save by implication, which indeed is the delicatest form | though the coarse puffing of the present age knoweth it not. Bat by St. meron Br Panrzzi, we must take order with these | me. vd me bey he in one of your easy chairs with the noiseless castors, | dozen books called, in testimony is mate or whether occur in.an fe heer a ors tyme. fe vish compiler, book ’ hack,.and he has to keep his agen Then cometh an inconsiderate Snob (any inconsiderate man is.a snob) if I like,” or with some nore whisper 10wledge of guilt, but a persistence t rei en t comes on, and the ; Getter is | “4 leetendit: of | fas tl delicate points, and finally washes one up to which Mr, Punch has suggested, = or the ? No, he fears not; | do they disregard, O anctoan, th Nuisances that infestour temple of study. The complaints we hear of them are grievous. one as the ewido me him, ~ te is comparing | evidence of one with another = ey ae material or trivial, and | a late edition, and Reading whether he is ughtfal recorder, or only of some slovenly in up judgment he mislead the millions who vA on his acumen and down, or lo near one’s next neighbour beginneth to | ther he he doth it with some — ee mo as = vs as to! is even more mpl aera O Pantzzi, tha the louder talk, and usuall. Feevanan a eqerr. And the neighbour, at ox vexed, aovasth | need to-enfoces poiuta, and peth the books, and the jabber rusheth overwh Over one’s ears, sweeps away ones central table, to reclaim one’s tickets in a venomous state of mind. How shall we we — these creatures? Will the inscription or why An gentlemanly hint that Silento is cascatial in’ place devoted to Study.” We must take ee sterner order with these Museum Snobs. Why should their selfishness / make hi betters geste ? So, O Panrzz1, Mr. Punch taketh counsel of the Coin aud Medal Department, and lo and behold the result ! There! as QUARLEs says :-— ** Ts not this type well cut, in presen” part Filled with rich cunning, and with Zeuxian art? ’ There is a typical yet truthful presentment of the case. There be e donkeys, that is to say gentlemen, who disturb our Pavilion, > and there is Mr. Punch affably inviting them to desist. Now, dear Panizzi, perpend. Have the above stricken as a reg ‘have our | unsought, unbought leave to do so—Or have it as convenient u will. Let it be called “ Punch’s Bad h thereto a 5 fiibon. which should be, considering the subject, of the eee eS of ee ribbon of the — of the Thistle. Supply specimens to the courteo and intelligent gentlemen who attend on us, and do such good serrise in the oe focee And be it an instruction to them—one which gone with the student spirit = g follow out—to notice a r, or to hear com t of let one of them come Pehnd such Jabberer, and over his par 3 ears pass the ribbon, and in strictest silence (that the hint be clearer) invest him with the shore order—and if he y in orders, for some of the notorious turbers the room are,-or seem, parsons, let him ‘be known as the Vicar of Bray. One word more. Small wit gibeth at’Woman’s talk, arid would carp at the Spheres for making kindred music, could small wit hear it. ‘But such wit would utter falsehood as well as folly did it’aim at the Ladies of the Museum. Mr. Punch vies S them Rape always indeed finding it hard to turn away his ortal eyes from such sights, and he hereby maketh it known that They neither elk, nor permit talk. And, bless ’em, if they did, would he seold? ‘No, but he would have a finger v3 snot. cere a whitest i a va wee roach the s er, and gently pressing Ivory coral wonld preeeat the ornament to her for a brooch, a memorial of love. No, it is masculine nae arid Jabberers whom Mr. Punch desires \to put down. And mark you, Awtonto, 3 ~ Medal will yen do it, Mr. Panch may waste an hour: in me more gnisable sketches of the criminals. He laughs Soe, but let them beware eof his “waked wrath.” Befinition. BY AN ANTIMATRIMONIALIST. Wuat is “a Club?” It is a-weapon of defence carried by male Gorillas to keep away the ' White Women.

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~A fj <4

Wacconer. “ Here be your Barl, Measter.” Youna Hoprgrut. “ Thank'ce, my lad ; if I’d a penny in my pocket, I’d give it you.” | i] Sy . SNS : . az. = <. SA! V2, SE GSES [ ™ 4a [Aveusr 17, 1861. ~

THE SONG OF THE TALKATIVE MEMBER. Arr.—“ I never does Nothing at all.” Ni aN Qs NS \\ Ou, dear, how the Newspapers scold, And us poor M.P.’s how they blame : Every Session we ’re sure to be.told We do nothing but talk! ’tis a shame. Instead of our sticking to work, They complain that, whatever befall, Aught save making long speeches we shirk, And do next to nothing at all! If some Member a measure brings in ‘Which a boon to the public would prove, We make a vast clatter and din, But to pass it how slowly we move! If a ticklish affair of the State For prompt legislation should call, We get up a party debate, And we do next to nothing at all! You ’d think that our conscience would sta} s from wasting the national time, And that when we have nothing to say We should hold idle gabble a crime ; But all conscience we overboard throw, And, heedless of duty its call, We keep our tongues e’er on the go, And we do next to nothing at all!

A Case of Real Distress. Kip Reader, drop a tear of pity for r, injured Dr. Gray! You remember his late Bros with M. Dv | Cuariuv, and how he clearly came off second best in the | | dispute. Well, now the Government have actually bought | one of the Gorillas; and, in his post at the Museum, | Dr. Gray will have the charge of it, and thus will always | have before his eyes a souvenir of his defeat. Poor Dr. Gray! he may well look rather black at it. We have | rarely known an instance of more barbarous brutality. It really is as cruel as knocking a man down, and expecting him to treasure a fragment of the stick.

OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. Dear Puncn, “Te other evening, having a half hour or so to kill before | going to_a party I did not care to go too early to, I looked in at the pleasant little Gallery of Dlustration. To judge by what I saw of it, the new entertainment goes more briskly than ever, and they who have not seen it should not lose the chance of doing so before the season ends. I know of no place where a pleasant laugh may be enjoyed more surely whenever you drop in, or where the lover of light | music may hear it done in better taste. With three such excellent | performers as Mr. anp Mrs. GERMAN ReEp and Mr. Parry, music if I may pick out a fault vantage is not taken of Any entertainer can make fun of a smashed bandbox or the dropping of a tea-tray (which stale stage ways of laugh-moving I think the British Playgoer would gladly see abolished) : but no others that I know of are so musically gifted, and they who recollect the voice of | dainty Ariel would gladly hear it less in dialogue and more in soli ' cannot fail to be attractive at the pow gl ie in the present entertainment, it is that ad | this fact. ng. “ The Princess’s closed last week after a season of success achieved | by Monsrevr Hamer, who, I hear it whispered, has for some while | since been studying to appear as Monsieur OTHELLO after the recess. | Whether the pease which he has gained while w his light hair will be extended to him after he has gone and blacked his face, is more than my prophetic soul can take upon itself to state. But he is far too | good an actor to act a good part badly, and though the dark ré/e may not suit him quite so fitly as the light one, we may be sure that his will be an intellectual performance, and that he will play the Moor with careful thought and taste. Doleful people may bewail the declining of the drama, and declare there’s no love left for aught but farces and burlesques ; but I think it shows good sense is extant still in England that a single play of SHaksPEaRe’s has served to cram a theatre for | one and seventy nights, and this without the aid of either splendid scenery, or attested-by-authorities correctness of costume. “ At the Olympic Mr. Rosson has revived Plot and Passion, and is delighting people nightly by his careful personation of the wily spy Desmarez. Did he take the hint from ‘One wo Pays?’ I wonder. for a few weeks since I spoke of this as one of his best characters, and one that shows what he can do with a part which in less able hands | might have but slight effect. I think that his dramatic power is better | | shown in parts like this, than in his wilder freaks of acting in fast high- | | pressure burlesque. “OnE wHo Pays.”

CHANCERY IS THE BEST MOTHER FOR LEGAL ORPHANS. Or seventy-five lawyers who died in 1858, the Registrar-General tells us that “fifteen died without making their wills.” We are positive that this was not neglect, or arising from any cowardly fear lest the | execution of the act should hasten their exit Bo this world, or from any other mean cause; but simply sprang from the benevolent desire to avoid litigation by nobly refusing to get a brother confederate to draw up their will, and still more nobly refusing to draw it up them- selves. Their experience evidently taught them, that it was safer to leave their property to chance than leaving it in the hands of the | lawyers. We should like, as a great consolation, to know how much of the property of those fifteen lawyers who died intestate was | pate ask swallowed up by the Law. The Law is a savage Saturn, and frequently devours its own children.

A White Fib. AntTI-Presmpent Jerr. Davis, in his last Message to the Secession Congress, asserts that the Confederate States took up arms in defence of their liberties. Jerr. Davis takes great liberties with language. The fact is, that they rebelled in defence of their slaveries. ANTI-PRE- SIDENT Davis appears to be a man who really would not hesitate to swear that black is white.

Tue Fare or Pourticat Rerorm.—Like all reforms, it is put off tll to-morrow.

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Aveusr 17, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 71 THE GAME OF CROSSING THE RHINE. N Wednesday last week a very pretty game of soldiers | was ewes on the Rhine at Strasbourg. The 6th Regi- ment of Pontonmier Artil- | lery, under the imspection of | GENERAL SEVELINGES, per- | formed the amasing experi- | ff | YES ment of throwing a bridge | / /4¥X> of boats across that river. | ge 9/3 It was as good as a play. of Our informant, the Zines’ sé Ja, yf, Paris Correspondent, tells “a, us that— “A number of distinguished persons who were invited to | witness the operation were ac- | commodated with seats on a ro the right side being understood to be the stronger si is right because it has might, but physically called the Rbine! Gewerat SEVELINGEs and his merry men of the 6th Artillery Pontonniers threw a bridge of boats over the water from Strasbourg to Kehl only for fun, as schoolboys say. He had no idea at the same time of showing the Baden folks how soon the thing could be done in-earnest. They comprehended all this, and accordingly behaved with the atmost politeness towards their military visitors :— “As soon as the bridge was completed, Genrrats SeveLincrs and BaRoeLia, CoLoneEL BrerokHem, and several of the persons invited, crossed the river to the | Baden side, where they were received by Baron Writer, Commander of the fort | of Kehl, and by the corps of officers.” | They were received in the same playful spirit as that in which they | came :— “The Baden troops formed a line, and presented arms as the French Generals and their suite passed.” | The presentation of arms on the part of the Baden troops was evi- dently intended to intimate that they took the mock invasion of their | country as a capital joke. Of course they presented their arms at their French friends by levelling them at their heads, with the facetious feint of ing to fire at them as enemies. Not, however, that they meant to signify that under the real circumstances then represented they would ever dream of doing any such thing. e game of invasion would be one | too serious to play with forces who were likely to resist an actual | attack. The operation of bridging the Channel with iron-plated | steamers, so as to render the landing of French troops possible on the | | Kentish coast, is not one which our neighbours would be likely to per- | | form in sport. Should they, however, think proper to indulge in such a | frolic, ~~ would probably receive an intimation that we, in our insular dulness, do not understand jokes of that kind. No doubt, if they came | after that, they would be received with all martial honours; but those honours would be naval and not military in the first instance. A | Channel Fleet (if there Bog to exist one) would present arms to them; but those arms would be chiefly Armstrong guns, shotted, and | | there is too much reason to apprehend that they would go off. The | | Spree or lark of a descent on the shore of England would not proceed | easantly as that of crossing the Rhine ; which having | an so vl | been accomplished in the manner above. described :— n to the public for above half an hour, and the | “ The bridge of boats was left o Though the | small town of Kehl was crowded with French soldiers of all arms. | crowd was immense, no accident 4 It is to be apprehended that any sort of bridge, thrown, how jocu- | larly soever, across the Channel, would not remain open a minute | ee than the time wherein the British naval force could demolish it ; | | and if the small town of Dover were crowded with French soldiers of | | all arms, it would be our fault or our misfortune that they had not all | | of them been disarmed. Accidents perhaps, properly so called, would | not occur in the case supposed. use the artillery, which as aforesaid, | would go off, would not go off accidentally. On the other hand, our | lively neighbours, with all their mirth, and all their good nature, would be equally apt to misunderstand and resent such a piece of pa geet fun on our part as the rehearsal of a hostile movement on Calais or | ulogne. Games of this kind are very -_ to end in quarrels, and | when acted even on a small scale, unpleasantly affect the apprehensions of bystanders. Our allies would create the less alarm in Europe if they would be content to practise pontooning on rivers of their own, and not play at crossing the Rhine. } “| That in T | note; an | tical elocutionists. | would willingly pay the Lonp CHANCELLOR any sum FOUR INSCRIPTIONS FOR A MONUMENT, To be Erected in Virginia, on the Scene of the Great Stampede of the Federal Army, July 21,1861. ~ FIRST FACE. (BY THE TIMES’ SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT.) Bull's Run. Bouz’s Run? Which Bull’s? Write ont the name in full, That when Posterity the tale shall eon, She may be thoroughly aware the Bull Who made that rua, was JonaTHAN, not Jomn. SBCOND FACE. (BY A YANKEE VOLONTERR.) Manusses Junction, I, Jonarwan, here own in confusion and i With a curse for those who blundered, and a blash for those who ran, the composition of the said Manasses here was too nrach of the asses, and too little of the man. THIRD FACE. (BY A U. 8. SENSATION REPORTER. ) Go straa-nger, tell, how for our country nigh, Where yesterday we ran, to-day we lie. FOURTH FACE. (BY A YANKEE NOTION-MONGER. ) Our Hoppes’s Yankee Lock henceforth the field, To our M‘Dowe11’s Yankee d0/# must yield. NOT A BAD COMMISSION. THERE must be one person who has good reason to rejoice in the absence of the QuEEN on all rtemoniers re and that is the Lorp CHANCELLOR, who, we are informed by the pa receives £500 every time he prorogues Parliament, and the same sum the Houses, “‘by Commission.” The above are not bad fees, though we cannot help fancying that many persons might be found who would undertake to do the same sort of thing much miore cheaply. For instance, we are positive that our old friend Joun Cooper would be happy to go through the performance on any occasion for a ten-pound d more than that, he would add considerably to the effect by’ rounding the periods in the graceful inflated way pec only to prac- We will be bound that the QueEn’s 8 would be read in such a style as it had never been heard before! What can the Lorp CHancELLOoR know about elocution? Besides, only look at the economy of the thi Supposing, now, that Joun Cooper was engaged to open and close Parliament at the rate of £10 for each cere- mony, there would be a clear to the nation of £980 a-year. Moreover, we would guarantee that, as often as painfully necessary. JouN would not mind composing a graceful apology for the absence o Her Maszsty, and that he would not charge an extra penny for it. His many years’ practice of appearing at the footlights with his hand upon his heart, and entreating “the indulgence of his kyind friends,” would recommend him of all others for this partieular duty. We will willingly bet one year’s entire income, if there is any Rothschild rich enough to deposit so large a stake, that if the admired representative of the Ghost in Hamlet were to read the Quegn’s Speech, he would draw a much larger House than the Lonp CHaNncELtor. 4 In addition, it is our opinion that there should be some difference between the payment of the two sums for the two different operations. At present there is a shameful equality between the two which we cannot help condemning as a most disproportion. We no matter how large, for closing Parliament, but then on the other hand we would begrudge him the smallest possible coin for opening it. In fact, it is a great uestion whether he ought not himself to pay us for the latter ceremony. t is so great an offence that he could not be fined too heavily for it. or openi A Disclaimer. In a capital article on “Scottish Character” in the new number of the Quarterly, quotation of an Aberdonian retort is made, with the remark, “ Punch translates this ‘Do you want to argue, yn beggar ??” Mr. Punch begs to say that he never translates anything, and may rhaps be therefore reproached with want of humanity to the ioceses of some of SuarressuRy’s bishops. A Trousiep Conscrencye.—The Toothache of the Mind.

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Avousr 17, 1861. | Ze 4A ML - 4) 4 Nok . tA Ow wg Yi @t*N Mpy ay 47 RECOLLECTION OF A JOLLY OLD PATERFAMILIAS WE SAW THE OTHER DAY, WITH SOME AIR-BALLOONS ’ FOR THE CHICKS. upon the first violation of the rule, let the present slow unequal players | withdraw from the board. It is deplorable to see the French beating | us with their scientific play, and outstripping us in every new invention by the speed and dexterity of all their movements. | STEAM WANTED AT THE ADMIRALTY. | SLEEPERS THAT ARE SURE TO PUT THEIR BOOTS Tue French have eleven iron-cased frigates afloat or in commission. OUTSIDE. and no less than ‘seventeen building; and yet the only iron vessel, [Iw a trial that was heard at Wells, it came out on evidence that | belonging to this country will not be at sea before October. The there “were 500 out of 1000 farmers in Somersetshire who went to | Admiralty is not only slow im giving its orders, but equally slow in sleep on horseback.” We have heard of sleep-walkers, but sleep- | executing them. They Have just asked from certain firms for tenders riding is quite a new habit. We should have thought, too, that this for three more iron ships; and yet (says the Times), “the Admiralty | strange custom of sleeping would have been more prevalent in Beds has not now any information with reference to iron ships which they than in Somersetshire. We should be sorry to practise it ourselves, | had not at the least as fully this time last year.” In the same day’s | lest we should eventually fall (and the fall might not be a very agree- | per from which the above extract is taken, there is a report of MR. | able one) the victim to a nightmare. We always thought that there | 7. Amant, the well-known Chess-player, who has succeeded in fixing | was not less difficulty experienced in catching a Somersetshire farmer a maximum of time for the moves in Chess. A gigantic sand-glass, asleep than there proverbially is with a weasel. Perhaps it is on which is made to measure the space of two hours, is placed by the side | account of his being so uncommonly wide awake during the day that | of each antagonist. While the sand is running through, the player is | he cannot afford to wait until bedtime before he closes his sleepy eyes. bound to make twenty-four moves. We are informed that the trial of | Let us hope, for their own safety, that whilst they are in the saddle | this limit has been most satisfactory. __ | they contrive to sleep fast. Since these Somersetshire farmers are so Why should not the experiment that has proved so successful with | fond of sleeping on horseback, we wonder they do not engage fowr the Chess-board be tried also with the Board of Admiralty ? We should | posters at once. like the maximum of time to be fixed for all their moves. At present —— Ee they are so dilatory, that the patience of the lookers-on is well nigh | exhausted. Their rival, who no sooner concerts a new move than he The Run upon Washington. boldly executes it, is quietly winning the game right under their; m,.. 3,¢ . ' 2 ie ; see os : sain 7 . we . aa | Tne defeat of the Federalist forces at Bull’s Run will, it is said, lead naatial noses, Where he Meee tet oaks eat - tenes to a change of the name of the rivulet so heretofore denominated. two. three. four Ha of eer tikn cele Jol it be atnsclly aath dt : Those who are apt to boast that they whipped But have now been ew nes aettieen of the mele btn eee ie so acred V5 OF | whipped themselves. Buxi’s Run that was, therefore, we understand, is henceforth to be called JonatHan’s Run. Protection for Passengers. Ae E pate ot Tonks Column = Honament on ae Street Bh lare disfigured by cages surrounding their summits, and put there to & Fest Race. | prevent anybody from jumping off” them. It is a pity that want of Tue Yankees have long been extremely fond of boasting that they | space hinders the object in view from being as effectually secured by are by far the most go-a-head of nations; and after hearing how they | the erection of railings around the bases of the monuments, svficiently | went a-head in running from Bull’s. Run, we cannot well dispute there extensive to keep people from being tumbled upon by any fool who being some ground for their boast. | happened to throw himself over. sire | Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park, both in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middles@x P i at their Ofice in Lombard treet, in the Precinet of Whitefriars, im the City of London, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, im the City of London. aTuRD«Y, August 17, 186).

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wees

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

~ x AWS WHOS, NY AWARK EONS ! A) ie ©: > YE \\ \\ VJs SS — = aS 7} An ) Sh A y\ \ THE RIGHTS Aunt. “ Willy, my Dear Child, you must be fatigued with Digging your Garden I’m sure. Wuy. “ Oh, Aunt, please, I should like to have some BEER!” . . il | ull —P—S OF LABOUR. Wht would you like to do now ?”

THE CRICKETER’S LOSS AND GAIN. To Mr. AtpeRMAN GuTCH. My pEAR ALDERMAN marty " Tue following paragraph appeared in the Post on Tuesday last week :— “Tue Weatuer.—Yesterday the ther ter registered in the streets of the Metro 110° Fahr. in the sun, or 35° Reaumur, or from 95° to 97° Fabr. in the shade, a heat almost unprecedented in this country; whilst at the Royal Humane Society's receiving-house, Hyde Park, and other similarly exposed situa- tions, the instrument at noonday recorded 119° Fabr.”” In the same paper, Sir, on the same day, was published a report of a cricket-match between the “ Fourteen of Kent and All England” which ad come off on the day before at Canterbury. It began with the remark that “This day was everything

ut * yv ing favourable for cricket, the sun shining brilliantly,” which was followed by a ee of the play that took place under that same brilliant sun. ceording to this astonishing narrative, after some hours of violent exercise :— ‘The batmen now made runs quickly, and they remained in till the dinner-bell rang, when GoopHEw had marked 35, and Mr. Ketson 21. The ground, which was rather thinly attended at first, now became thronged. After the repast Mr. Kex- son and GooDHEW resumed the batting, Haywarp and Gronpy bowling.” What did Mrs. Grunpy say? What does your worship say to the idea of not om 4 laying at cricket at a temperature of nineteen degrees above blood-heat, but also of going and sitting down to dinner, eating and rinking with a cricketer’s appetite, and then getting up in and playing on a full stomach ; a stomach so full as such an = must ave rendered it? ‘Surely, Sir, one would think that apoplexy must be a chimera, and d 7 in fact mere moonshine. Bless your soul, Sir! fancy yourself, in the glare of a sun almost hot enough to broil a ak, running backwards and forwards and jolting up the contents of an interior distended with fluids and solids, ingested under compulsion of ravenous hunger and raging thirst. The bare imagination of such unseasonable exercise must affect you with vertigo. Your brain, doubtless, reels to think of it. | The great evaporation which, during a

e of cricket at 119° ahr., must go on from the skin, no doubt considerably relieves the player from sensations both of heat and ess. But whereas cricketers perspire so copiously as they do, how can it be that they are so fat as they generally are? That their obesity is a fact is demon- strated by most of the photographs of their chief celebrities which are exhibited in the shop windows. If you want to fatten a pig you not only stuff him, but keep him still. Your own corpulence is likewise owing as well to sedentary habits as to excessive alimentation. But the cricketer violates one of the conditions of which the combination is generally requisite to constitute an abdominal —. He takes tremendous exercise attended with immense depletion. The only sup- position by which his bulk can be accounted for is, that much of substance as he loses, still more does he take in. Then how much that must be! If you and your brethren would forswear bodily inaction, and addict yourselves to cricket, you would probably consume even more than you do, and the customary 250 tureens of real turtle would | not perhaps half suffice for the dinner on Lord Mayor’s Day. Would it not, then, be advisable to establish a Lord Mayor’s Ground to serve | as a Lord’s Ground for the City, so that the Aldermen and Common Councilmen, and the rest of the Civic taries might and play cricket there, thus earning an appetite the result of which will be the still further aggrandisement of your already immense corporation ? I have the honour to be, my dear Alderman, your worship’s ever welcome and willing guest, PUNCH. P.S. Excellent sauce as cricket seems to be, it has the great advan- tage of not conducing to gout like some other condiments, whilst, considered as a stomachic, it is more efficacious, as well as more salutary than any “‘ Alderman’s Mixture.”

* RounaBout PAPERS” THAT ARE MOST ACCEPTABLE AT THIS TIME OF THE YEAR.—Circular Notes.

VOL. XLI.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OIARIVARL [Aueust 24, 1861. See I\ Wes 7) o> 4 i pf a Ww A DIVERSIONS OF DRILL. Canpip Compane. “J tell you what I've been thinking, Buffes. thing to be as: Stout.as you are in the event of an Invasion.” Burrnrs, who does not appear to see it, asks ‘‘ Why?” Canpmp Comrane. “ Bi SD TEAREM’S LAST. Dos ‘Fxaeem has once or twice of late been barking in such a key that-his,voice ‘has been mistaken for that of a turnspit, or some yet move ignoble animal of the canine species. Tzanem.has now and then been.seen wery busy with his tongue, apparently licking strange boots. At least, however, TzanzeM /has dogfully asserted reed. On the oecasion of ithe Ancupuke Ferpinanp-Maximiuian’s late visit to Southampton, Mx. Rozpuck, at the Victoria Assembly Rooms, is | reported to have spoken the following words with reference to the | | Emperor or Avsgaia :-— “T honour that great monarch who, frem his high mountain, has seen that there | a ee | the hentia. the Reeanoe. oF Aveta - sec ney It has re day one | slowly upon them, and I think that the people of England at this hour believe they understand whathe is doing. He h«s not attempted to make one party superior to another ; he-has mot,attemptedto make one part of his great dominions superior to another; but he has attempted to give all alike a constitutioval government.” | Now, at first sight, or hearing, this specimen of TarEm’s bark, | | would convey the erroneous impression that TEAREM, instead of being | | a staunch rough terrier, was a parlour spaniel. But, on consideration it will be seen that in opening his mouth to pronounce the above quoted egyric, TkarEM not only barked, but also bit, and that severely. EAREM’S eulogy of that “great monarch” to whom he alluded was, | in fact, a piece of biting satire. Texarem knows under whose rule | lt would be a capital | no Regulation Bayonet could go through you.” | fered, and the imminent Geruption of his empire. Lines written-more in Sorrow thanin Anger. Ox, eease at Woman’s pride to preach, Avtruce to Press and mangle, Say not the star she sighs to reach Does from a Marquis dangle. Who deems-that Operas may win The heart, which Worldlings harden, Must own, like fruit, it ripens in A Box at Covent Garden. | | | | } It-may be her ambition dwells In some cold Settlement, Where Truth lies, not in holy wells, But in dividends and rent. It may be subtle-serpents lurk Around her at-ker dear age, Whispering-softly, “Study BURKE On the-sublime.dld Peerage If from herthook escape an Earl, Ry hangs = penpare| pest, if—poor, disappomted girl !— The vital Spark. had fled. : Belgravia! mark her. deep despair, _ She speaks im.aecents tender, “My mother bidsane bind my Heir, And I mustmet-offend her.” 1» “Am I not a Mason sand a Beother?” | AeeoRDING to:the Herald's American Correspondent, this question seems to have.been asked, to small pur- pose, on the race-course of Bull’s Run. A Master “Mason, floored, made “the sign of distress,” but a brother with a bayonet declined to recognise the intima- |tion, and incontinently dismissed the other “from |labour to repose.” Probably this would not have | happened under the Presidentship of “the judicious | Tyler.” Brother Punch would like to know whether the igamunities of the Order of the Gridiron extend to civil | broils ? YENUM HABET IN CORNU. Tue grand Italian Exhibition about to be held at Florence, will comprise, it is officially stated, a show | of Cattle from all parts of the Peninsula. Mr. Punch wonders whether it will contain a specimen of a mon- strosity, happily about to heeome extinct—the Papal ull f ment to his subjects; the circumstances of a thorough defeat just suf- TEAREM, attached to his. own bone, knew what to think of that prince who is trying tortake away the Diet of others. Tpanem knew also that he was speaking to the people of Southampton, whose ears once, when ANDREWS was Mayor, within the memory of boy,:zesounded with each other’s .accla- mations of KossutH, whom they were the first to weleome to the shores of England. ‘They, he was sune, would understand the hyperbole of his mock sycophantie bark, and well enough pereeive that TeaRem was only pretending to be Licxem, and was really vindicating his breed and | name by tearing ’em to pieces. j Homage to the Scotch Rifles. BY A SPITEFUL COMPETITOR. Ie seems that the Scots Turn out much better shots _ At long distance, than most of the Englishmen are : But this we all knew That a Seotehman could do— Make a small piece of metal go awfully far. SOYEZ SAGE—AND ONIONS. , “Te the Tories come im,” says the Jouruzal des Débats, “weshall | Venetia groans, and under the scourges of whose hangmen ladies have | certainly see a NoRMANBY at the Board of Ministers.” 4éit, dear M. .Tearem is fully aware of the cireumstanees under which the! pss Disats? No, no. Oz it, you mean, and this will -happen whether sovereign whom he ironically slavered, granted a constitutional govern- | the Tories come in or not, and the date will.be Michaelmas.

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eT es & | Beaker anoee’” Aveust 24, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. METEORS FOR THE MILLION. Fi ItH great fitness (as Punch is very emi- nently a scientific on ), a letter has een sent us by an emment astronomer, sharp look-out: for me- teors, and to help him in recording thei po- sition and appearance. That the imstruetions which he gives us are as luminous as the } bodies he requésts us . to observe, the ex- here tract. we append will supply abundant =” | “ Let a smooth tree or firm erect post, 5 of @ LINES ON THE AMERICAN LOAN. How enviable that man’s lot ‘ — need to ne ro vy mo! who t On others’ industry. “aes No daily eares his bosom vex, , = is sound and a Of making both ends meet” inst a rainy day, That hanes masked can afford Tneome-Tax to Not such men Schedule D deprives Of what they should lay by se Relies age, or leave their wives when they die. inches thick, be setevter, and the ground made fevel | about it. The observer, | provided with # piece of chalk, will embraces the | tree with his clasped} hands at full arm’s length, | the head and bey being held erect. At the appear- ance of a Metewr, the body will be swung about until the bole of the tree or intersects upon the hea- | vens the central point of | the Meterr's path, and there, without deranging body or eye, he will dic at the eedtre of the tree's = face a smal! figure (1), and ———— a Rote at once opposite to a rte : similar number in a book or form of registry the hour of an imaginary clock-dial, towards which the Meteor might be judged to have shot from the centre out- wards, 12 o'clock being imagined at the top of the post.” If it do no other good, obedience to these orders will at least afford exercise, and as | this will be taken in the evening after dinner, doubtless many scientific digestions will be | Maped by it. We can conceive a portly star-gazer clasping a tree “at full arm’s length,” and } at full stomach’s distance also, and swinging about his body every time he sees a meteor, until the bole of the tree crosses the meteoric path. As for bidding him do this “ without deranging | dy or eye,” one might as reasonably expect him not to whisk about his coat tails, or to crumple his cravat. Derangement hot alone of dress and body, but of mind would be likely | to ensue to any corpulent observer, who should attempt to practise the agile feats required | of him, and at the same time to inspect “an imaginary clock-dial,” heotiee taking out his = k to register the hour, and chalking a small figure “‘at the centre of the tree’s | ace.” What the treo’s face may be, we leave him to conjecture, and also how he will per- form the varied manual work ired of him, while all the time embracing the tree with his clasped hands. Nor are those we have recorded the only tasks expected of him, for— ** To this note he will add the time by a.common. pocket watch, with the letter (m) meteor, if the star be | attended by a tail: butif the star be tailless, the letters (s) or (f) according as the motion of the star is judged slow or fast. In the case of the appesrances(m), brief notes of the star’s aspect may be recorded; but in | the case of tailless stara, the letters a8 y, to denote descending magnitudes of them (like a Lyre, the stars | of the Wain, the 2 side-stars of the Coss, the 5 stars of the Dolphin, &c. for standards,) and a bc. to denote | the length of flight in s' of 10° and under, will, with accurate records of the times of observation, suffice | in most. cases to identify the bodies. The same process will be repeated with all the successive meteors, 2, 3, 4, that-appear within the hour of observation.” After the observer has obeyed all these directions, which are so vastly clear and lucid that a word of — would be needless and impertinent, the meteoric nightwatch is to be “ & ‘Riorizon circle’ should now be drawn about tlie stem, where it is cut by the horizon line of the observer ; aud @ ‘ south line’ erected vertically to this upon the south face of the trtink, by clasping the stem as in a meteor observation, and a oe star at any time when it catt be seen. ‘he distance of the observer's eye from this horizon circle; when standing erect at arm’s length clasping the tree, is to be measured with a tape, and likewise the circumference of the circle itself, while to the appropriate numbers in the book, are to be appended'the tape measures of ‘Height above the Horizon Circle’ and ‘Distance Eastward from the South-line’ of every figure chalked upon the stem of the tres.” Explicit as the orders we have quoted may appear, fey are nevertheless by no means: so complete as we could wish; for no mention is made of what observers are to do im case a meteor falls behind them, nor is it said if to corroborate their scientific evidence they must dig up the tree or post by which they made their observations, and send: it to the savant to whom they send their notes. There is enough, however, said to show how people who are blest. with scientifie minds may enjoy an economical and pleasant evening’s recreation, by stiek- ing Up a linen pole in the middle of their grass plat, and taking sights at. any meteors at the risk of taking cold. There is likewise the further risk of their mistaking for # meteor the bull’s-eye of a policeman, who might be upon his rounds and inspecting their back premises, ati the time when nocturnal star-gazing takes place. Such accidents may happen to most scientifie persons, eventide and after a good dimer, when. thei vision, if not especially at double, is not the most distinct. ieee rest, For then no more I forced should be My talents to e ; Should others have te work for me, And live but «6 enjoy. Yet if that sun: of money, now, T had the luck to own, America I’d not allow To tempt me with a Loan. Though Or with Consols at three.. Because her word is not her bond ; Her promise is pie- A ant of whith Paes nee dnd: Who ’If lend her cash, does she suppose, To carry on the War ? ‘Too broadi Repudiation’s AUSTRIA AND HUNGARY. Te address of the Hungarian representatives to the Emprror oF AUSTRIA is a protest his Majesty’s attempt to make them exc fnnge | hsrath. | y —— her paper shows vod é rip cw he per cent. might guarantee, With Railway Stock £’d rest content, their Diet for participation in the Reichsrath. Francis-JosePH must sanguine to | that a nation retainmg the name of H its substantial should consent to exe expect | for an airy substitute. ungry dogs will eat dirty puddings, and hungry men may sell their birthright for # mess of ; just. what would aaturally pk Hu retain and hold fast her birthright of a constitu- tional Diet. A Card for Pam. Tue Lord Warden is affectionately entreated to recollect that he is in some sort a Warden, aud must not entirely delegate his functions to an avowed Sid like § by the first bishops. the Apostles should not be A is not pleasant to read: at the “ Bishops learaing Greek are requested dogsear the Delectus,”’ but hunger is | t urch- ORD 8S. A JOKE PICKED UP NEAR ST. GEORGE'S. Wraristhe difference between the Bridegroom at a wedding and the Potboy at hn wl P= | Why, the one is in.a Hy-meneal, and: don’t you see; is:itx av low-menial position. the other, | |

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DABBLING. Master Jack (tovery refined Governess, who has suddenly appeared). “On, Miss Foxnrkin, DO COME IN; IT’S SO AWFULLY JOLLY!” THE ROMAN BRIGAND TO HIS RECRUIT. Arr—“ Gentle Zitella.” DesreratE fellow, To Naples away ! Rome’s Pastorello Offers thee pay. Pray do not linger too long on the road ; Light is advancing and Freedom’s abroad. Desperate fellow, &c. Desperate fellow, Strike without fear ; Rome’s Pastorello - - a. a. oth ebeiies ence! to thy s nediction wings ! *Tis Pio Nono himself who now sings ! Desperate fellow, &c. CURIOSITIES OF LITERATURE. Catt a spade a spade; but, according to a contemporary review, the author of a book about Rome, intitled Roman Candles, calls a strait waistcoat a “waistcoat that is not crooked.” Surely this gentleman should be put into a strait waistcoat himself. He would then learn that a strait waistcoat is no straighter than any other waistcoat, an unless content with calling a strait waistcoat a strait waistcoat, would perhege describe it as a waistcoat that is not wide, but narrow. To the “high priests or inals” the same writer applies the name of “flamina.”’ He ~ ty a very subtle joke at the _ of the high priests, one that an extremely venturous ancient Roman wag might perhaps be conceived to have taken the liberty of cracking on a clergy such as that of Cyseiz. Possibly he may be aware that flamen a of wind, and famen a high priest, are noun-substantives of ferent genders. If so he is one of those persons whose Latin scholar- ship is greater than their knowledge of English. NO JOKE. Caution to Hotel-Keepers and Others. We have received information to-day that a shabby, plausible vagabond is touring about under the assumed name of one of our artist contributors, and victimising divers Hotel Proprietors. We | trust the following letter may check his proceedings :— “« Sir, “* White Hart Hotel, Lewes, August 12. | “On last Monday a gentieman came to the above Hotel, took luncheon, | and entered into conversation with other gentlemen, casually stating that he was |}— the artist for Punch. He afterwards took a Sketch of the County | Hall, which he showed to some visitors, and said in a fortnight it would appear in print. He then ordered dinner for two at half-past six on the following day, and said he should want a bed. Being Race time, I could not accommodate him | with the latter, but on Tuesday I provided the Dinner. He ordered Fried Soles, | Cutlets and Ham, and a Sweet Omelette : he came to his time alone, his friend not | having arrived, and sitting in the Coffee-room, made himself very familiar, and | was evidently an educated man; in fact, three or four gentlemen known to me | came into the Bar, and asked who he was, he was such a clever fellow. I told | them —— -, from Punch. Some Champagne was had, he having to pay for | one bottle. We were very busy the last day of the Races, so Mr. —— slipped off, and we have not seen him since. He had on Monday Pale Ale and Biscuits, | change for sixpence (the sixpence he told the Barmaid to charge in his bill); on Tuesday, Sherry and Bitters, Dinner and Champagne. I must confess I felt sus- picious, his boots being very bad, and his general appearance not quite up to the mark, A plaid cap and round frock were his principal attire; but as I have fre- eccentric, I did nut pay so much attention to his ap arance, seeing he had nice white hands, and that he could sketch and talk well. I have since heard from a Mr. R—, of London, that the real —— is a quiet gentlemanly man, very different from this talking, boasting fellow. I thought I had better let you know, as others might be taken in who would be proud to entertain any of the Punch staff, and it is too bad for such a rascal to go through the country with —— 's Card. “*T am, Sir, your obedient Servant, Exrten Stenninc.” “PS. He offered Mr. ———, of , £5 10s. for an Antique Gold Ring just found on the Field of the Battle of Lewes, taking Mr. E.’s name and address in his Pocket-Book. Mr. EB. would not part with it.” “ Lapres’ Licut Dresses.”—From the frequency with which it takes fire, we should say that Crinoline was entitled to be called, par excellence, “The Lady’s Light Dress.” quently visitors of rank who are not particular in dress, and genius is often | WHT, "TWITTY ANVOIMGA NVITVIT IVAN

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Aveust 24, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 79 desired to 3° A CHALLENGE. introduee the clarum et venerabile nomen of Mr. but if you think that when in his wildest passion. ont have nothing ou yo N ma are past p ertheless, as there i i i ev , as there is some or twice.they have made 10 Punch amie, but a jest, you are in a state which demands hysic, and he Did you ever hear of Viner? Somebody else claimed them, and was suggestions. He wrote some verses. Snag Patron. ‘Viet, incensed, wrote the vauainerall These he sent to the Liberal Patron, who “‘ Sic vos non -vebis-— vobis—- Sic vos non vobis — Sic vos non vobis——” t to do it more respectfully. particaarse hich e never jokes at all. and if it does not:do. think about deciding about your Sells, and onee resents you with some e was a Latin poet. uested the Imposter to gt Here are four finish them. * or eouldn’t, and was kicked. E beginnings of is for you. us see whether you can finish them. If you cannot, and moreover cannot do it with neatness, we retract the inflict a Now “take the pon gua And at this,— ‘banks on which the wild time grows. ndonation of your offence, and purpose upon the earliest oeeasion, to iet such i i as—never mind. : off your coat, and rollup your sleeve,” and try at this. “‘ ALFRED Tennyson has exquisitely commemorated the through arts which himself had But. “One or THE BEST American stories is that of the boy who was dlways ‘being roughly tegether. Returning, the fire, went » a full his parents, he recollected the circumstances un’ heaved up a of timber that was lying and his and mother in their old corners. father,’ hesaid. ‘The calm parent looked at him you've been a darned long time about it, and supper.’ ‘Now y And at this,— ordered to go out a a “grown and powerful man, to visit der which he had left his home. He near, opened the farm-house door, ‘I’ve brought the weod, fora‘moment, and replied, ‘ Well, now put it down, for and eat your “ Action, action, action, was the Greek orator’s rule for a young speaker who historians, Sere How many miles have you produce an effect on his audience. According to orators of ancient days carried And lastly, at ‘this :— some of the this rule to sueh excess as xe walk up and down speaker of this kind was tauntingly asked by the Athenian declaimed to-day?’ One—————” “ Sm G. C. new Secretary for War, has ruthlessly demolished many of the fictions of antiquity. We know not whether he places any faith in the ors Aad story of the of Damon and Pythias, but we should be sorry to lose our own belief tale. From our -youth we have enj the noble devotion of the Greek who offered himself hostage for his friend, and who, when the time arrived, but not the went calmly forth to die for him. The last memente; the path inating i the ; the shout of the crowd ; the horseman s; y on; the spring of Damon upon the scaffold, the repentance of the tyrant—are things we would not willingly let die. Still, if Sim Now, Sir, Virram has written. ine Gods, shall be told so by the N Finish, or you are an lmpostor, and In the return of “ Ho: A Home Question. Spirits ” lately issued by the Govern- me-made ! ment, we can find no mention made of the spirits which last summer were “‘summoned from the vasty deep ” by shallo and which, as Mr. Home the medium the manufacture of the spiritual 1 the list of Home-made spirits. It may of the return, because they have never muse spirit-rappers, was generally intercourse, may fairly be be that these Spirits were left ou, fairly come up to proper proof. resent to assist included in HOW THREE FISHERS WENT SALEREING: . — "Turex Mothers sat talking who lived at the West The West sae ype wey, Bein went. Each thought him the husband that she best, For the girl who bad watched him all over the ‘Town. For men must pay or women will weep— And their dress is expensive, and-mauy to keep, And their Mothers are always wo-o-ning. Three gentlemen foanae at their club-honse door, And they thought of those girls:as the funds went:down ; thought of their bankers and thought:them a bore, And of bills that came rolling in “ragged and brown.” But men must pay or women will weep— —_ debts be pressing—still Mothers are deep, And keep up a constant wo-o-ning. Three gentlemen Jay in three a ef soa “ami For those ‘wea will never men must payor women do it the sooner you'lLdleep, down— Z. «ae | i ‘Railway,wheneither r H : ea SS g ¢ J : i ® Fy _ o | Hy | arat PERSE: i ge EF 3 3 g 3 5 : & i i ' | at alr BE A é E ; : g UX ff least has been my personal experience on two travelling to Lowestoft, and I think it shows how is its air that, after bemg shattered by the first of the attacks, my nerves were in three days set up enough to bear the second. - Unluckily I cannot say so much quite for my wife; for she, poor soul! has not my iron constitution, and she was therefore so affected by the rifle fusillade that she has gone to bed each night with cotton in‘her ears, lest she should be awakened by her dreams of railway fighfing. “T am aware that in imputing the faintest of fault to our gallant Volunteers, I may be pox Hos for an idiot thinks ill of the movement, and is glad of the least chance to throw.cold water.and con- tempt on it. But on the contrary, en masse, 1 much admire the Volun- teers, and, seeing that they save us from much military outlay, as a taxpayer I trust the will increase and flourish. It is precisely to this end that I think such silly freaks as tifles on a railroad ought to be exposed for public condemnation, if I had my way the delin- quents should forthwith be drummed out-of the ranks. Surely, after a review, every cartridge pouch should be examined by the-serjeants, to see that all the rounds served out have been ex: and, if not, to see the surplus received back into Store. And surely Volunteers should know better when off duty than in way to make ‘themselves a nuisance to the public and a di to their corps. Such freaks as I have mentioned rob the movement of its dignity, and tend to ‘bring it sadly into disrepute. Except in educated circles the word “distinguo’ is in England but very slightly known: and it is too bad that the Volunteers should Ho in public estimation, because a few Gorillas lease to act after the manner of street-boys on Guy Faux and to Coe away their powder for no other earthly purpose than kicking up a row. “ With regard to firing rockets out of first class carriage windows

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80 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 24, 1861. which I saw done at Beccles on Thursday the 8th instant), this perhaps may be a custom of the county, foe Suffolk has proverbial the opithet of ly and ite fitness to be called so} MRS. ROCHEFOUCAULD’S MAXIMS. is by su Ss am roved. Not being of a ive turn of disposition, I have never held a share in the tam Counties Railway ; by which investment, I have heard, enormous | Rene ger onthe one —_ t rone to alder wealth may be amassed. But if I were a shareholder I should certainly take care to inquire | Pheir ton fon cee be t deal f thei che - at the next meeting what effect the sparks from fireworks had on first class carriage-linings, | oe +i + are. and what per-centage of the public would like a squib-and-cracker carriage attached to every|, Men should never choose a flirt for a wife, train. I have no wish to deprive people of sensible amusements, and if the sports 1 have | be she fair as Venus. The sagacious housewife described are held to come within that category, I think that they who like them should | avoids the fruit that has its bloom off. have full leave to enjoy them. But there are proper times for all things, and one person’s| Jt is difficult to hide one’s vanity: but it is recreation must not be another’s nuisance. So if a man can’t travel half-a-dozen miles by | more difficult still to wear it gracefully. none without banging off a rifle, or blazing off a sky-rocket, I think he ought to hire a | spec by it

train for his amusement and not be privileged to shatter the weak nerves of the public| Refinement covers a multitude of improprieties. | ; _ Some women blush to prove that they have a | “T remain, Punch, Yours obediently, | little modesty left. “ An Evemy To Gortiias.” | When a female friend asks your advice about a lover, say that he is not worthy of her, and | counsel her to reject him. She will vastly relish the compliment you pay her, and the lover may fall to your lot into the bargain. Tears are a woman’s best and most convincing reasons. _ A looking-glass never pays compliments, but | it enables us to win them. CAUTION KKK 2 . > Svs > sa © SMOKING RSO< Se BR SOL =" Hy | | | | | | We are “ve happy to see” people whom | we detest, and “ very much obliged ” to persons | whose favours are nuisances. We return thanks | for the kind inquiries of acquaintance who have | not the least interest in us, and whom we rather dislike than otherwise. A woman will tell a secret to you, “ because | ~~ | you’re different ””—but to nobody else. . We trample upon our fallen sisters to show | | the world how firm of foot we are ourselves. | Time is our bitterest enemy. He makes us | ; wear Caps. | Children are milestones that tell the world the | | distance a woman has travelled from her youth.

How to Improve one’s Writing. | | We beg to announce (for we have a reason | | for it) that there is a new novel published, called | | Under the Spell. We believe (and this is our | reason for making the gratuitous announcement, | | for which the sake, if they have any gene- | |rosity in their minds or tills, ought to pay us | the full value of an advertisement) that it is the | SCENE._SOMEWHERE IN THE WILDS OF SUFFOLK. secret production of one of Lorp MESBURY'S | pet clerks, who wrote it with the laudable view Gattant Votuntesr. “J hope you don’t object to Gunpowder Smoke, Sir. I’ve got fowr | of improving himself in his orthography previous more Blank Cartridges.” to gomg up to pass his examination.

" Besides, what ’s my grandmother’s buckram to me? DIXIT, ET IN MENSAM—. Ii n’est jamais de mal en bon compagnie. THE SCENE IS A PIO-NIC, AND MR. JOSEPH DE CLAPHAM VENTURES TO “T said it before that old roué, Lorp GappE;” THINK THAT HIS FIANOSE, THE LOVELY BELGRAVINIA, IS A LITTLE | That ’s a story, he’d gone; and what harm if Thad? TOO FAST. He has known me for years—from a baby of three. Now don’t look so glum and so sanctified, please, Ti s'est jamais de mal ex bon compagnie. For folks comme il faut, Sir, are always at ease : | You go to your Club (and this makes me so wild,) How dare you suggest that my talk is too free? There you smoke and you slander man, woman, and child; Ii nest jamais de mal en bon compagnie. But J’m not to know there ’s such people as she— Must I shut up my eyes when I ride in the Park; Ii n’est jamais de mal en bon compagnie. rd pray would you like me to ride after ? It’s all your own fault: the Academy, Sir, not, Mr. Prim, I shall say what I see, You whispered to Purr, “ No, no, it’s not her, Il west jamais de mal en bon compagnie. Sir Epwin would hardly—” I heard, mon ami ; What harm am I speaking, you stupid Old Nurse ? Ii west jamais de mal en bon compagnie. I’m sure Papa’s newspaper tells us much worse, Well there, I’m quite sorry; now, stop looking haughty, He’s a clergyman, too, are you stricter than he? Or mast I kneel 4 Sook 5 own on my knees and say “naughty ? ” Il west jamais de mal en bon compagnie. There! Get me a peach, and I wish you’d agree I knew who it was, and I said so, that’s all ; Ii n’est jamais de mal en bon compaguie. I said who went round to her box from his stall, Pray what is your next prohibition to be ? Ii n'est jamais de mal en bon compagnie.

To Persons or Firoatine Caprrat.—Cannot the Thames Embank- | “ My grandmother would not—” O, would not, indeed ? ment be somehow managed. by the investment of money as a specit- | Just read Horace Watpore—Yes, Sir, I do read. lation in the proposed Bank of the Thames ?

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Aveust 24, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 81

SERENADE BY MUSICAL POLICEMAN. (ACCOMPANIED BY HIMSELF ON GUITAR.) Arr—“ Deh vieni alla finestra.” H come to the area rail- Delight of my heart and so Thou knowest thy lover’s iy I or a nice hot roll, O’erflowing with lots of butter ; And over a cw I long, how mutter The vows of love to thee! Be —_. are out of | 7, own Board-wages thou may’st of tea long, to m. wn iy all family all are games No child erying, Mary Up out of the kitehing _ - Pleaceman outside e d both went down below! ”

A LECTURE ON MNEMONICS. THERE is an invention called Mnemonics. = is os ie porn the memory under pretext of assisting it. wh | remem gures, say 642, is told to think A Pte " Sikhs, r ores | their great “ fortitude in the last war. Mr. Punch has not much respect for this invention, - rather less for anybody who requires it. If a person gives om Pri and undivided attention to a statement, he can remember it. No forgets anything in which he is really interested. He only wants ‘ " waking up,” just like his friend who pretends oh - hear you the first time you speak, and always makes you repeat question. Notice him in the presence of his superior, or of some “3 pong Soa he a. to serve him. He can hear fast enough then. Memory ” in similar fashion. One’s wife often forgets what one ee told her about the National Debt, but does she ever forget the day for Lapy Buea: panty f ‘ ae 'unch was hed,

The other night mpany with one of the Professors of Mnemonics, who wish a a y, to distinguish |! gs! under the eyes of the Immortal. Affable in manner as colossal . Mr. Punch assented to an experiment. The following | cebveemeion ensued :— | Professor. Will you favour me with a subject, Mr. Punch ? Mr. Punch. Take the Census, There is a pretty young lady beside on ie Young Lady smiles and pomp make her remember the or , Scotch, and Irish returns, and the to Young Lady. O dear, I am sure - a - shall. unch. Well, my love, let him yey But I don’t know the numb myself. Mr. Punch. More shame for you. Give me a card. ( Writes.) There! T have leg oe down for you. Now go a-head. Professor ‘. dear young lady— Mr. Punch. Stop, hold hard. "She is Our dea <9 young lady; so don’t begi m yout att art of eprom id by forgetting yourself ‘essor. I. beg pardon. Mr. Pusch. Go on, then. Professor. Miss is I will first endeavour to fix the English Census in your pamers. I shall take the liberty “y omitting fractions. Mr. Punch. If you do, I shall take the liberty of punching your head. None of your shuffling. Come. In land and Wales, there are Twenty Millions, and sixty-one thousand, seven hundred and twenty five pg a Shall you remember that, my darling ? dear, no, not if I were to try for a year. Mr. ene de it, Professor. Professor. In the first place, Miss, we want Twenty. That is a Two, and an Ought. Now, the figure 2 is ‘something like the written letter . Mr. Punch, As much like a hen as you’re like a cock. But let’s hear, Hennypenny. Professor. as me n. a a oo WW poe raceanbe is like an O. Well, now we ae make a word, whi remember that, young lady ?

Tho safely canst take me | t

fang. Lady. But a young lady’ s “no” means “yes” sometimes. I might think of that, and get dresdfully wrong in my i Punch, Very well said, my dear. One for Prager Professor. It is not fair for you to interfere. How, which means Twenty. Now for Sixty One. ane ee written ®, turned the other way, and 1 is a capital Mr. Punch. You might as w tt it was 2 — nose. Professor. Be quiet, Sir. Well, Mr. Punch. Never say die. Professor. So we have no, di. Mr. a. i Noddy. ‘Is this Tom Noppy’s secret ? es, Sir. Now for Seven hundred and Twenty-five and 7 is i ike an F turned the other way, and 2 as we said is #, and 5 I must ask you to think of as £—it may help you to that L in Roman numerals means 50, and there are five letters in “ fifty.” -- Punch, Xever saw such an ell taken when an inch was given, ‘ore. Professor. 1t’s quite eas J, #, and /, but. as remember we

t No, cote hopes you are used to it. There we have es no word, we may put in vowels, only ts use them in counting. What can we of Ae Punch. I know, but it would be rude to say, only with humbug after it, | know who would be described, and I don’t mean celestial. essor. Sir, you are _——. Suppose we say fimal. Put all , and we have “ ‘ no di final.” Now, how many people are there in an Young Lady. Let me think. N stands for nought, and © stands for of am, thet ’s 91, and final means ap, es, few A 3 8 igh and there are 915 people in England and | Wales. be right, because there are more than a thousand in our little’ Pc nla os , L suppose there are 915 millions, Mr. Punch. Potaturus te saluto, Professor. Professor. Rome wasn’t built in a day, Mr. Punch. Mr. Punch. Who said it was? Don’t you go cutting off to Rome— but finish your teaching, or own that it’s no go. ; =: With proper attention, my system could be mastered in a ew wee Mr. Punch, 1’\\ teach her the numbers in a few minutes. My love, how old are you Young Lady. Twenty, dear. Mr. Punch. Then think of your own age for the millions Young Lady. To be sure, I shall never forget that. But when I’m twenty-one ? Mr. Punch. Then there will be twenty-one millions Young Lady. Delightful! But the little eauibath: I shall never remember those. Mr. Punch, Six one seven two five, Dick ’s won heaven’s blue hive. The sounds will remind. : Va Think of Dick, because it’s the short for Ricuarp, who—O, I know all about it. Did Dicx never tell you that your eyes were heavenly blue—very neglectful of Drox if he didn’t, and that he pag he had won their favour ? Young Lady. For shame—what.a tease you are. Mr, Punch. Come, there’s “ Dicgt’s won heaven’s blue,” and as for the hive, a pretty poet said that a pretty lady’s li eo oe as if a bee had stung it newly. Did a ever tell you that a bee had come out | of a hive and ste ke ur lip ? ay base aay ‘ e never iyo pee lips? unc id he ever te = an your vou Lady. Never mind. sal alway remember that, I am 20, and—let me see, Dicx’s Bu a one, oe seven, blue two, hive five. There are 20 mm | "and 61725 al Mr. Punch. Furrah, hurrah, hooray ! Pimnoes atout the room, Professor. ‘Ah, but that’s quackery. Mr. Punch. You’re another. Professor. Am 1? Mr. Punch. Yes, you are. Professor. Am 1?—take that! Mr. Punch, And you take that! (Exeunt, fighting like good ones.

Gradual Justice for the Roman States. By a letter from the Eternal City we are informed that “trial by jury is to be gradually introduced into the ex-papal provinces.” Such a famine of justice has, under the papal government, prevailed in those states, that the people, almost starved for the want of that moral necessary, are unable to take too much of it at once, and have to be fed with a litile at a time.

CONSOLATION FOR COCKNEYS. Ir is all very well to talk of the fine gen of Paris; but in the French metropolis, where the rent is so high, and fas living so dear, is not one street to be named with

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 24, 1861, NL — Mayor ALDERSHOT RETURNING FROM PARADE, FLATTERS HIMSELF THAT HIS RAT-TAILED CHARGER IS MUCH ADMIRED SINCE THE SADDLER HAS SUPPLIED HIM with a’New Tart! ALLEGED SUICIDE OF THE POPE. Tue truthful Pavi Cunten, titular Archbishop of Dublin, in a pastoral as romantic as usual, lately addressed to his flock of simple Arcadians, pronounces the subjoined panegyric on “ Our beloved Holy Father, Pros roe Nintu:” “* Though violently assailed by the enemies of God and religion, he steers with a firm hand the bark of Peter. hilst other princes and statesmen present a Jament- able picture of weakness or perfidy, and are tossed about like fragile reeds, he upholds the principle of eternal justice and the rights of the Church and of society with undaunted courage, at the same time edifying the world by his meekness, his humility, his fortitude, and a)l the other virtues which adorn Christ's vicar on earth. What a happiness that God has given to his Church so holy a pontiff to guide and direct her in these troubled times!” We are informed that the principle of eternal justice, and the rights of the Church and Society, have been upheld by the Porz with un- daunted courage, whilst at the same time he has edified the world by his meekness and humility, in ordermg Farner Giacomo, Count Cavour’s Confessor, into the custody of the Inqtisition, FaTHEr Giacomo went to Rome at the Porr’s summons, to give his Holiness some account of Cavour’s last moments, and the Court of Rome is said to have committed him for examination by the Holy Office, either because he refused to acknowledge that he had improperly given Count Cavour absolution without having first obtained from him a retractation of his political opinions, or use he declined to break the seal of confession. The Papal Court is also reported to have | deprived Farner Giacomo, now liberated, of his benefice. If these statements are true, they are additional confirmations, if any additional confirmation were needed, of the truth as it is in CULLEN. But, surely, they can cy be truer than the marvels related in the Lives of the Saints, or in t They are too bad to be true. The Pops, indeed, exemplified his idea of the principle of eternal justice by Paige to surrender Mortara the kidnapped little Jew. But then his Holiness cunfounded his notion of eternal justice with his conception of the rights of the Church. His =— rsonality commanded his temporal personality to retain the christened Israelite. But in placing Faraer Giacomo under arrest, e amecaaty. of Baron Munchausen. | c particularly if for refusing to divulge the secrets of the Confessional, the temporal half of the Sovereign Pontiff would have urged his spiritual moiety to the commission of sacrilege and persecution inst a faithful priest. Father Confessor a Confessor to the Tribunal of Penance. Such an act would be suicidal. The temporal ruler would cut the spiritual ruler’s throat. No one doubts that Pro Nono believes in the Church which knocked that Church on the head. His detention would have been a casus bells. rage as that upon the King and nation of Italy, and the Roman Catholic Church itself to boot? No, no. What D rally be reversed in order to be believed, but let us character which, in the above quotation from his pastoral, is ascribed to his Holiness, is not quite to a’sense as it ought to be if the Pore has really arraigne Gracomo, and punished him for giving absolution to a dying penitent, or refusing to split upon his shrift. Had he been guilty of such con- duct as that, Napoteon would tell Goyon to remove: the bayonets on which (with St. Peter’s cushion intervening) the Holy Father is now hoisted ; and the consequence would be ridiculous and painful. ATHER “Mr. J. Anraur Rogsuck is engaged upon a political history of his own country.” —Literary Gossip. But he must not op He is not to So much the better. ALCOTT’s charming book. England. ropriate the title of Lapy his work Little Arthur’s NOTE ON A RECENT PHILIPPIC. Why is Bernat Osporne like a fishmonger ? Because, when out of plaice, he naturally resorts to Billingsgate. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s P: both in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex. Printers, at their Office Be somberd Street, in the Precinct cf Whitefriars, iu the City of Londen. and Published by them at No. oF - “4 London. Saruspar,August 24, 186 , Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in the City of It is difficult to suppose him capable of making a ! he governs, and by the profanation and injustice of which he is accused, | he would, in doing for himself and his supremacy, have effectually | Besides, Farner Giacomo is the subject of Vicror-EMMANUEL. | Is it possible that the | EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH would protect the Porg in such an out- | R. CULLEN says must gene- | ope that the | | understood in so completely opposite |

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Aveusr 31, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. \\at ~~ . IN: THE.CONSTABLE OF DOVER. “THERE’S YOUR StaFF, Pam. You KNOW THE PaRTY YOU’RE TO KEEP YOUR EYE ON.” PAM UPON THE HEIGHTS. (After At¥RED TENNYSON.) Nor old, stood Pam upon the Heights, The Commons roaring at his feet, And Beadledom, with antique rites, Did him the humage meet. Punch, in his place, did much rejoice, Not for the title then assigned, But glad to hear the brave old boy’s Name shouted on the wind. Admiring much his British pluck, His ready tongue, his cheery jest, His never do on his Soak, But hoping for the best. His hate of humbug, saving such As should to humbugs still be flung, His speeches, void of artist-touch, Yet suiting English tongue. His deeper hatred for the gang, Who, prating of some Right Divine, Doom freedom’s friends'to starve, or hang, Or in foul dungeons pine. Cheer for the Constable! Our foes Find him the nightmare of their dreams ; ‘We, the wise Englishman, who knows The Falsehood of Extremes. Rozsucx’s Oratory.— We should say that lately there has been a trifle too much of what the Yankees would call “the spread eagle” about it. SANITARY JUSTICE TO SCOTLAND. In an abridgment of the Registrar General’s Report about the popu- lation of Scotland, the health of that part of Great Britain is deseri as having been generally good during the past quarter. The diseases named as having been most prevalent are scarlatina, diphtheria, and in some places, typhus. Among them vulgar prejudice will learn with astonishment there is not enumerated one case of simply cutaneous disease, that is to say, of cutaneous disease which is merely local and unaccompanied by constitutional symptoms. Scarlatina is an eruption ; but scarlatina is also a zymotic affection; and none of its symptoms exhibit any resemblance to a peculiar kind of apparent performance on a stringed instrument, which may be described as playing without music. There is at least no evidence to warrant the conclusion that the malady meta- phorically represented as expressing itself in a series of violin move- ments executed in dumb show is endemic in the Lowlands, or that the Highlanders have any particular occasion, on account of relief afforded to superficial irritation, to invoke blessings on the memory of an ancestor of his Grace THE Duke or ArGyty. Our Scottish fellow- subjects have been too commonly accused of labouring under a general necessity of employing sulphureous friction. English provincial bigotry itself must admit that the accusation is at least not proven. PARALLEL FEET OF ARMS. Tue Prince Naroreon has been visiting the historical battle grounds of Fairfax and Manassas. Considering the alacrity that the Prince has frequently displayed in leaving scenes of danger, he must have been profoundly moved on the spot; so much so that we can imagine his yn to parody the well-known speech attributed to the Comre D’Arrors, when he returned to France, and saying pathetically to the distinguished Yankees collected around him, “ Mes amis, il wy a rien de along ict. Vous w’avez parmi vous quun Américain de plus.” If Piox-Puon had only been at Bull’s Run, we will warrant he would have been the very first to —— himself— we mean, in the same direction that others distinguished themselves. VOL, XI, K

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aweust 31, 1861. GENTLEMAN. “ What's the fare, Cabman?” | Cappy. “ Vy, Sir, the fare’s Two Bob; so suppose we say Halfa- Crown ?—another Cabby would have charged you Three Bob.” A SPARROW MARKET NEAR SOUTHAMPTON. | A Pertrrion has been presented to the French Corps Législatif for the protection of sparrows and other small birds, with a view to the | benefit of agriculture, on the ground that they do infinitely more good by destroying insects, than mischief in eating corn. On this point there would be some difficulty of convincing the British Farmer, and particularly, we should think, that type of him represented by the | gentleman whose name digures in the subjomed newspaper paragraph:— “A Papasan Sremron ar wee Law.—Yesterday, before ApmrraL Wicston and Mr. J. H. Forpes, Sitting at the Southampton County Bench, Georce Garratt, a'boy liningam Bioundwell, Southampton. was fined 2s. 6d., without costs, for stealing four «ars of wheat, the property of Mr. Lonoman, of Hill Farm. The | boy picked the ears of wheat in apathway, and was caught by the prosecutor, and | given imto- custody, remaining so for forty-eight hours, the prosecutor insisting on pressing the charge.” A gentleman eapable of causing a boy to be imprisoned for forty-eight | hours der stealing four ears of wheat picked up in a pathway, and after- | wards of pressing such a charge of theft against the juvenile prisoner, must be much fonder-of his wheat than he.is of his species. He would, | therefore, naturally be disposed to show no mercy to the feathgred | tribes, which eertamly do consume a considerable quantity of wheat, | even if they exterminate a more considerable quantity of insects. Their | estimated destraction of insects would be quite overtaoked by a gentle- man infuriated by the visible consumption of his wheat. The boys in \ |the neighbourhood of Hill Farm, instead of stealing Mr. Loneman’s \| wheat, and getting imprisoned and fined for picking a few ears of it, might make a good ‘thing out of that gentleman’s animosity against | depredators on his cereal produce. They should devote themselves to killing sparrows, save all the heads of as many sparrows as they can and take them to Mm. Loneman. Of course Mr. Loneman will give more than half-a-crown for the head of every sparrow, because | the. rd will have stolen very much more than the four ears of corn which ‘were picked by Master Grorce Ganpatr, STINGO FOR SUMMER. DR. PUSEY ON THE TURF. Ws have been emjoying some delightful summer weather, and the thirst it has indeeed has by mo means been unpleasant, at any rate to wy sphicined ee om Sporting Intelli ence” relative to the | men who have a fondness for cool drinks, and have been careful not to Tun for the Trial Stakes at Oxford races will edify some of our | heat themselves by taking too much stimulant. Just the sort of mild ** As soon as the flag dropped, King of the Forest instantly went to the front, with and harmless beverage to, revel in is the beer whereof a sample, being u rage d chemically tested, is discovered to contain :— Overton lying at his girths ; Gauntlet, Commander, and Dr. Pusey side by side a few Alcohol. - : - 5000 As they came up to the distance the weight began to tell upon the King, who fell back into the third place, Overton and Commander both passing him. Extractive 3-885 Opposite the stand Commander was leading, and he came through and won easily by RErOGhIVe f 3 a Gauntlet, the same separating Acetic acid . ‘ P ‘ 030 x Water . , 4 : . . 91085 two lengths; half a length behind Overton came Gaunilet from King of the Forest; Dr. Pusey It will be seen by the foregoing statement that Dr. Puszy occupied 1007000 ition of the winner in a donkey race. There is something re- ble in this fact; especially as having occurred at Oxford Raoes.| This stingo is prempenees by a competent examiner (whose report Many people will be surprised to learn that Dr. Pusey, on the trial as | has lately reachec us, in common, doubtless, with a mumber of the beer- d Dr. PvsEY, | bibbing community) to be “‘the richest in alcohol for its price” that | abeve decided, proved to have no followers in Oxfor m considered, as decidedly a fast goer. Yet the odds | he has tested: and he adds he feels “ persuaded that it is a genuine him, and grave | article.” We are happy to append to this chemical certificate our run for stakes, | belief that such a beer must be most thoroughly innocuous, provided that mst ‘Dr. Pusey; a very sing entertained whether the et gone quite so far as High et ma few of the yokels. "the Doctor would tidden by Prrest. Puseyites are of course the agua it contains be really pura, of which, seeing that it is by far e the principal component, we think there should be given some satis- rather down in the mouth about the defeat of their favourite, who ‘had | fying proof. Grog made in the proportion of five parts of spirit to | _ better be wrapped up, along with themselves, in those old —_ | ninety-one of water, would not harm the tenderest infant, if the water | which they have revived in mostof their stables. The defeat of Dn. were but proved to be a “genuine article;” but if the water were ing for the Derby, | impure, we question very much if that amoant of alcohol would be suf- revent him from runni | when perhaps we shall see what he can do against Spurczox. ~~~ The Height of a Warm Imaginaticn. ficiently an antidote to what the water might contain. Were we at all | concerned in the sale of the strong beer to which we have drawn notice, we should lose no time in issuing a medical certificate, attesting to the aqueous purity of the drink; for however great his love for unin- toxicating beverages, surely nobody would Tike to drink a pailful of THROWING open the windows—lying gracefully at full length on th , ‘ ~ inte of 4 agen Thames water with but a teaspoonful of spirit to avert the chance of aving previously put a plate of shrimps on the table before you) to the gentle trickling of the watering-cart as it paces | illness. slowly up and down the street; with the happy combination of so many and throwing pebbles Truly Catholic. luxuries, it becomes as easy as lying ou the be: into the sea, to fancy that one is doin er, who has anyt the dolce far niente at the sea-side. of a tropical imagination, to Ar Boulogne, at present, the Priests are imeessantly offering up | prayers “for the Conversion of the English Sovereign.” Her Masesty put on only a suitable costume, and to try it just for a couple of hours. I C will not object to her Protestant subjects being very “agreeable” to THE PURSUIT OF JOKING UNDER DIFFICULTIES, _Tux Painters inside the house and the Paviors hammering a violently outside! The two senses of smell and hearing being attack outrageously at the same time. such conversion, while the exchange 1s, as now, ‘25 franes, 30 centimes. ra aa LATEST NEWS FROM THE SEA-SIDE, Qn ow} Ramscare this year is so overflowingly crowded, that on Friday lens word, it is enough to e a Baigut swear ! Tae Guearest or THe “Great Unparp.”—The National Debt. the following inscription was written in large on a board, an posted up on the beach in front of the bathing-«machmes :—“Sza FuLt —NOT EVEN STANDING-ROOM FOR a Basy!!!” nom te

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Few wey

RAMSGATE.

2$ Epwiy lounged on the ier to get a relish for his \y dinner, after swallowi ing two

A LAY ON A LADDER. Lovis Napotzon, is it true What Rogsuck has declared ; that you tore — a bargain to call home

you nde te that Christian name, and call it a loose-cinder /” monstrous bleaters for his Your red-le garrison from Rome, breakfast, he said to his Aw- Getting, om me’s Sepa cracantens, ceuina, “Tell me something Sardinia as consideration ? funny, dearest, so excite ; | - cachinatory muscles of my A ladder pa: views you in Copkraem, for I have tens The act of on chin told that laughing is provo- The Holy Father at —_ WILT cative of appetite.” Of that 1 ii Thus biddem, as in ‘ i nae fade bee. the —e of his: fon Thus sometimes balances an Ass. osom pee a brief mo- ment a.) the seaward of the bay Clown, ee etn oe he at last > gang | pier, receiving im: ion Creature pier, the fi ing: mg, re ‘> conn whch aud ane ton ooh i that blew thero, soit Bhar? as _ — of crag“ Bropence mor, more, and then tee goes yy Y andbay Geakienne = - SiS wee Ay ng o- You, whilst you show the Indider feat, and He is not. such an Ass as that, adding in breath, “ $9 pea bey: , & He will not be so gross a flat Conscious of his density, Exwns tried his to look us an thang he understood her ; but, As such a heavy price to pay ea as Roweatt for it, the giggle would not come, until, patting with her tiny hand his For what a war will take away, sore brow, said ANexntn “you are sadly "dull, ag love, this ance Can’t And—who can tell F.-onceunt restore

To Pops and Kaiser as before.

A SAMPLE OF SCOTCH CHAFF. Tue Scotch, or Scottish, people (will some linguist please tell us which adjective i is right ?) have not the reputation of being vastly witty, but they hoe the reputation of being fond of money, and when they ssess it, of being loth to throw away so much as a bawbee. But that there are some exceptions to the national rule is shown, we think, in some degree by this advertisement, which a correspondent cuts for us from a north country newspaper :— WANTED, by a Volunteer Rifle Corps, in the immediate neighbour- hood of Glasgow, a TARGET for Ball Practice. Must be very strong, particu-

larly in the centre, as their present Target has had the bull’s eye completely blown out, from the incessant. hitting to which it has been subjected. Will be glad to exchange with any of the Glasgow Companies, whose Targets are generally in a state of first-rate preservation at the bull’s eye. Adidvess ‘‘ Bull's Run,” Herald Office. To please the frugal mind of an ordinary Scotchman, a joke, to be | enjoyed, must be at the expense of some one other than himself. But here we have a Scotchman incurring the expense of inserting an adver- tisement, that he may thereby gain insertion into print of his small jest. What incites him to poke fun at the Glasgow Volunteers we have neither means nor wish to a rare and as we do not share his feeling towards the , we shalt abstain from saying anything to bring them into ridicule. Tr f it be true that their targets are in “first-rate preser- vation,” we can only say we hope their shooting will improve ; and as makes men perfect, the oftener they keep trying to blow their ull’s-eye out, the more likely are they to succeed in time in doing it. Perhaps the advertiser’s chalf may stir them to fresh efforts, and if sO, there will be little reason to complain of it. Still we scarce think that our Rifiemen enhance their reputation by making butts of one another through the columns of a newspaper, and putting into print small jokes which hardly seem deserving ak te 1 aor military capacity bayonets, not pens, are the steel weapons they should stick to; and the only “ leaded” matter they should care to meddle with ought to come not from the type- founder, but the regulation bullet- maker.

LEGAL METAPHYSICS. Ip is to be feared that the law of domicile will never be aplaieintly settled, because it involves the perplexing question of Pree Will

THE COMPLAINT OF CHRISTOPHER SLY. Av one of the late meetings of the Social Science Association at | Dublin, Dr. P. W. Mackesy, of Waterford, who is evidently a water- dr rinker, read a paper on the subject of Dipsomania, the new social scientific name whieh has been applied to the passion for mame drink. It is a compliment to the morality, if not to the i of the Pumps who spout observations on Dipsomania, to say that they do not know what they are talking about. Evidently they are unacquainted with the niggers celebrated distinc- tion between *‘ drinkee for drunkee and drinkee for dry.” Drinkee for drunkee is what they denominate Dipsomania; whereas that word is only properly applicable to inordinate drinkee or dry. Dipsomania is | one thing, tipsy-mania another thing; and the latter is what they mean | by the former. It is gratifying, however, to find any philosophers so | innocent of all knowledge of the nature of intoxication as those must be who expatiate on Dipsomania. Philosophers are too commonly dis- posed to meditate behind a pipe, over a glass of grog, and under those circumstances to acquire by practical experience, a profounder | acquaintance with the oa of drunkenness than with any other.

Never marry an author. He is sure at some time or other to put you in his books, and the consequence is, you will come y like those rare botanical specimens similarly preserved, as flat, and as dead | possible. Not a fraction of colour will there be left in you! There will only = ~ > wage outline, by which you will be able to traee your or he. a wife to an author is only so much book-muslin to enable him to dress up his characters with. To clothe wrk the wreteh does | Disinterested Advice to Ladies of a Literary Turn. | | } not scruple to eut up his own wife.—Zhe Hermit of the

A HOPEFUL SENIOR. “En? by Jove, Sir, anew lease!” Such was the exclamation of a sanguine old buck, who, before his toilet mirror, discovered by the aid | of w double eye-glass, one black hair among his white whiskers.

_Dipsomania, of course they | know very well, means a mania consisting in uncontrollable thirst ; but | they imagine that habitual thirst is the cause of habitual drunkenness. |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveusr 31, 1861. | AM GREE Nt | SE | | © > y) ey —~ \\ \ \ : \\ \ ) \ / \ ‘ A TIT-BIT. Omnibus Driver (in the distance). “ Hottoa Joz, Now you 'vE Got your Duck, I’LL sEND you THE Pgas!” | T r never be made public, and that at meal-time no reporter should be CHRONICLING SMALL BEER. suffered to take notes. But I am naturally, m reel of an inquiring “Ravensp Puxce | disposition, and when I want to know a thing, t don’t care much to “As a loyal "British subject, I feel of course deep interest in | 88k if such knowledge be proper, or how it 1s obtained. In this I the movements of our Sovereign, and read with great attention all the | a show the ares of my character, and what some folks details of her doings which the newspapers supply. The more minute | ae if theran snobbish curiosity I look upon as loyalty, and pride D | Se. ein. are their descriptions the better I am pleased, and the incidents which | a: ae | : I am, Sir, a devourer of newspapers, and therefore an admirer some minds may regard as commonplace, I consider of the utmost f tl importance to be known, and think should stand recorded in the annals | © ‘© ¢ 5 90 of the Court. You may conceive, then, with what pleasure I read in a “ PENNY-A-LINE. | description of the QuEEN’s journey to Ireland, that the Royal train| « | . + Mare pou oe c P.S. They say that the Priyce Consort used to suffer from reached Leamington Fy unctual to its time, and, an interval of twenty | sea-sickness. Do you know if he be similarly afflicted now, and what | minutes being suffere for refreshment,— . ommreaemment preventive measures he usually adopts ? ” “On arriving at the Station, Her Mavesty and the Prince Consort stepped out of the Royal Carriage, and proceeded to the room which had been elegantly furnished = for them.” ‘Her Ma- WHATEVER YOU DO, CROW! “There, now, is not that, Sir, intensely interesting ? yesty and the Prince Consort stepped out of the Royal carriage.’ Tue French Cock, says the proverb, ’s so glorious | Surely every loyal heart must flutter with emotion on being made Reverses but make the bird nroader: 8 ad acquainted with so wonderful a fact. Doubtless, some people may say He cidwa wichir ined atten pi x wee aly | that if the Royal travellers wished to take refreshment, they could not When vana iched he only crows louder get out of their carriage in any other way, and therefore that the act, pny. y . as the French say, va sans dire, and need not have been noted. But to Yankee Eagles French Cocks now outstri ping, men of loyal minds, how short-sighted this view! By the statement I In assurance from flight and from blunder won ; have quoted posterity will know that Her Masesty went into the Never doodle doo’d over a “ whipping,” Station for her lunch, and did not have it handed to her through the Half so loud as they doodle-doo under one. carriage window ; an assertion which might otherwise be made in future histories, and which there might be no one living able to dispute. Ss “T could wish, Sir, that this manner of reporting regal movements Exceptio Probat Regulam. were more ooniy followed than, unhappily, it is. Details the most : ; : trivial would for me possess deep interest, and I feel sure that many| Mr. Harvey Lewis, in a recent speech to his Constituents, com other ple are of the same mind. I would fain, for instance, know’| plained of “the extraordinary and unjust antipathy on the met of what Her Masesty ook of when she stopped for lunch, and | provincial Members to do anything for the improvement of the Metro- whether the Prixce Consort ate as heartily as usual, and relished | polis.” As a rule, Mr. Lewis’s charge is just, but not at this moment, what he ate. Such details might to some readers seem slightly unim-| when the provincials have so greatly improved the Metropolis by portant, and others might object that the private acts of Royalty should | taking themselves out of it. 4 AW DONIS MOOT OOK UAL HOAW MOH ‘ANV'TOUL UVAC AW. ‘N—O ane s—r—_ a—FL «i@VI9 OS WV I ‘LISIA LIsvT |

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‘N—Q GHL 1,—t—\L 1—Ff «i@GVI9 OS WV I ‘LISIA ISVTI AW DONIS MOOT NOAA UALLAE HOOW MOH ‘ANVIUUL UVAC AW, «@SANHNV AUNVN SIAL WHIT ONILAAN V LON HALOC,, ~“I98t ‘Ig 1890¥—]YVAINVHO NOGNO'T AHL U0 ‘HONOd

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| Avevsr 31, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. A SOP TO CERBERUS. Ou! Tearem! Where’s the set of teeth You were so fond of showing. ith snap and snarl 1 from out their sheath, At everybody going? And where ’s the growl to all about Distributed im " For sins “om een scent nosed out, Or or martially? This mesh Of the ‘eye, Be at Pa wae tinge level, rey ‘AM “=. oe... This Tearem ? i Of all oppressors terror ; Whose wrath on hmke of wrong was fed, Nor mercy knew for error! Tearem whom constant to his post, ee ee tee (each bn boast) suc: Ro hae coll aataior waxele® ‘Tearem, who whosoe’er might Was never Seana ie Unnder The plyer of the flayi The wielder of the =e, ! Are, these Ais teeth—an Austrian crust That harmless mottth-and mumble ? Is this Ais tail—that m the dust, Wags to a Kaiser bumble ? What is the art that thus hath tamed FE pe = nga brought tongue tongue that blamed, ‘0 praise, caress, bro ngue e And fangs but formed to ravage ? *T would be to wrong th’ old Dog, I feel, To hint that crusts or paunches Were used to make him come to heel, Or sit up on his haunches. But though such tit-bits he would drop, And tly forswear ’em, For Cer ere Was a sop, And so there is for Tearem ! old dog, though as steel he ’s staunch, ms vanity so great is, Adown his throat you" ve but to launch Of butter guantum satis, Butter—more b XY erg insite hollow! cannot give so m say, But when the unctuous dose is down, And ‘To smiles smoothes his wrinkled frown, Lays | ee er. i once sti ee ee Si San te ye argon And thus on all the Tearem tribe EUTHANASIA ACCORDING TO LAW. _ Wa desis that mawkish senti which not only refuses to entertain powerful arguments c icti effeminate i capital pion wh ery but is also so and even bearto hear mentioned those very particulars and details of an execution the statement of which i Tapes necessary to its own case. ‘There- fore we do not hesitate to disgust the few squeamish readers that we may chance to have, by quoting fro the subjoined conclusion of an account of the late hanging at t Derby : ee on Oe ee ee is the cheapest of British punishments, except whipping, and it is most effectual security that we can take epee “a This is anuch to say in favour of and it why all offenders, who are too ‘bad to . "Till convicts can be made , 3 competing with free labourers, hanging oo remain inghly preferable to penal i not for Ae other felons, thieves, and rere i blic safety and comfort. "Seadieh i wobody: hanged ; and in this desire mawkish senti austere sen’ is inconsistent im not offender whose death would bean example, Tits Qozers, Semaly 20 cel ha hg wo crated ame m cting that a social economist to ey aed pel iy : be better effected by b te dg : orang ome i wis effected by or on t, however, has side na the i torture ; that is to say by torture impossible io hang a. criminal ‘ht tng im Oo: hanging _— mn hi hin i rr : thus may be attended with torture or unequal punishment. Accordingly in liberty, re a eeepeans, even on the seal i substituted for the gallows. Now, the po ne is not the tree of British Liberty, that Britons should cling to it, when some other con- trivance might be made to answer the same and likewise act on the British principle of fair play. A steam might serve to meet the combined views of austere one re evenhanded justice, and would not be un bat would constitute one more verification of the common saying that the French originate inventions, but we improve upon them. SEVERE TRIAL OF TEMPER IN HOT WEATHER. DRAMATIS PERSONS A Omotertc Ory Genv_eman. A Coot Youns Pamry. Scene :—A Richmoné Railway Carriage. Tm :—About 12 noon. Ceiate GE tentlante ting, tre- ‘f (punting, puffing, perspiring). Hot, Sir, = It és 0.6, Warm, Sit! Teall I call it blazing hot, Why the glass is 98° in . P. Really! is that much? YP. Well then, the glass is potfestly sight e ni, e . @. Right, Sir! I on't understand you, Gir. What do you Fe ne ee tho gieesinigulie digs to loan dntsh in th mean is as in the Shade as it can in this warm weather. (Caoteric Op Gerrueman collapses. Sentence on a Bridge. Tue Chain of evid having been against Hungerford Bridgenot a link having ty ew ee ee ee ate Sem amneseunen ©. it is to be transported to Clifien, and A Provver’s Devi’s Discovery.—CanwtTe was the author to whuth we are inildiied forthe first ase of thn Gann “Bee Bask.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveust 31, 1861. (e i SS Hil \\ \\ WY , | WA QQ QQY | XY ‘4 Ai \ # \\ WwW Lk WOY 4 8 WAY SANS | & are THE ARTIST’S BRIDE. Fatuer (reading letter from lately married daughter in London). “ And, dear Father, if you could send us any old worn-out smock-frocks, or corduroys and ankle-boots—Mother could get them from the farm-men for a trifle, it does not matter how shabby they are—they would be very useful to my dear Edward—” Moruer (with a shriek). “ Mercy on us! my poor child / There, Sam, I told you how it would be !”? (Faints. ) But it twimed out from the sequel, that dear E. only wanted these garments to paint from, for his great picture of the “ Statute Fair,” that was the chef Gewvre of the Season, and for which he got, say 4000 pounds, exclusive of Copyright. THE GENUINE ART OF CRAMMING. | ‘THe subject of one of the papers read anne the session of the | National Association for the Promotion of Social Science, was “ The | Influence of the Food on the Intellect,” whereon Dr. H. Kennepy lectured a hygienic audience. The influence produced by food on the | intellect vo chiefly depend, we should think, on the fact to be stated | whether the food in question is food for the mind or food for the body. | Metaphysics, mathematics, nat and moral philosophy. history, Gest. voyages, travels, novels, romances, poetry, and. Punch, | especially Punch, are all varieties of mental food which may each have their peculiar and important influence on the intellect ; but the food con- templated by Dr. Kennepy seems to have been that which nourishes the brain in common with the rest of the body, and consists of various animal and vegetable substances popularly comprehended under thename of grub. There is a psychological condition, corresponding to a supposed con- sistence of head, characteristic of certam persons who are commonly called pudding-headed. Others are described as leather-headed for an analogous reason. Perhaps these states of mind result from some par- ticular kind of diet tending to induce as it were a coriaceous toughness or a doughy softness of understanding. ‘The brain contains phosphorus, and so do many kinds of food; the phosphorus in the brain may be concerned in the evolution of luminous ideas ; and it may be desirable for those whose intellects are dull to put themselves on a diet con- taining an extra quantity of phosphorus in order to obtain intellectual brightness. Some jokers perhaps eat, and more ought to eat, a great deal of phosphorus. If there be anything eatable that will nourish the intellect, how does it taste? “Fat paunches,” we are told by Suaxs- PEARE, “ have lean pates,” an observation extensively but by no means universally true, “and dainty bits,” adds the divine Wiii1ams, “ make rich the nbs but banker out the wits.” On the other hand Dr. Joun- son said, “Sir, the man who will not take care of his belly will hardly take care of anything else.” Jonnson’s large intellect appears to have | derived its nourishment from a great variety and enormous amount of | savoury viands, in odd combination, some of them, as for instance, | plum-pudding and lobster-sauce. Great geniuses are often consumptive —like Dr. Jounson. Wits are generally epicures; the aptitude to say good things appears connected with the habit of eating them. What | clever fellows your Worships would be if green fat ran to intellect as | much as it does to paunch, and over indulgence in eating and drinking were always associated with mental gluttony ! If the intellect generally can be invigorated by peculiar diet, its several faculties may be capable of improvement eac' some particular article of food. In that case it would be a good specu- on a course of | lation to set up an intellectual eating-house, or mental res¢awrant, near | a college, in order that the students might cultivate particular branches | of knowledge on the dishes suitable to each. This would be a great improvement on the system of eating terms in a vague and indiscrimi- nate way, as prescribed at the Universities. “Classical sa/mi, Sir. Mathematical stew. Chop and logic sauce, Sir, very nice. Hebrew calves’ liver and bacon. i mutton, good cut, Sir. Chemical fondu. Metaphysical vol-au-vent. Pot-pourrt of music. Veal jokelets, Sir, and sauce-piquante.” Such, rhaps, would be the waiter’s recital of the bill of fare provided at ining rooms established for the nutrition and refreshment of the intel- lectual powers, and then, perhaps, you would hear him shout down a voice-pipe, “ Cook, two simple arithmetic mutton down together ! ” FasHionaBLe INTELLIGENCE.—It is now settled beyond all doubt that Mr. Tuomas Sayers is not going to Spa this year. | m. Sanskrit curry. | Historical aitch-bone of beef, Sir, Just up. Philosophical saddle-of- |

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| quoted brag about the ag = of the Pore’s Irish auxiliaries on the Avevst 31, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 91 THE COOLNESS OF DR. CULLEN. » oRTHY Dr. Cunen has fallen y foul of Lorp Brovenam for having, in his place as President of the Social Sci- ence Association, dared to criticise the Papal Govern- ment. The Pastoral which contains the vituperation of Lorp BroveuaM, also con- tains the wonderful state- ment subjoined— *“* At the same time the offer- ~ ings of our faithful won for them = the applause of the Catholic ' ‘world, and Ireland was admitted by universal consent to have been the first and foremost among the nations that rallied round the menaced throne of the Roman Pontiff. The prowess of her sons on the battle-field of Italy crowned the former efforts of our island, and proved that the honour and interests of the Chair of St. Peter are interwoven with the dearest affections of our Catholic people.” The Priest who has to read a Pastoral of Dr. Curuen’s from the pulpit, v might, at the conclusion of ; his task, do well to caution the assembled faithful that what they had just heard was to go no farther. hat must anybody outside of an Irish Roman Catholic Chapel, or any rational and commonly informed person in one, think of the above- battle-field of Italy? Dr. Cunzzn O’Rei1y thrashed Ciaupant at Castelfidardo. The Pore’s Irish Brigade went to Italy on a fool’s and crowned all the former efforts of Ireland in the cause which they fought for with a fool’s cap. They returned with holes in their garments, which were not made by bullets or bayonets, with fleas in their ears and elsewhere, and few wounds that were worse than fleabites and the bites of other insects. Some people are said to be more Irish than the Irish themselves. In like manner the effrontery of Dr. CuLiEn is brazen to a degree above the impudence of even the Brass Band. rhaps means to say that Masor NOVELTY IN NEEDLEWORK. _ We have heard no end of tales about the wonderful pe wd of the rising generation, but the instance of it noted in the following adver- tisement is perhaps of all the marvels that bave reached us the most marvellous :— ANTED, a clean, respectable GIRL, to NURSE a BABY, who can fill up her time in plain sewing. A country girl preferred. Apply, &c. A Baby “who can fill up her time in plain sewing” must be a most | thread a needle for her work, and cut her cotton properly? The first named of these processes must be a little difficult, and as much as she _ anmeat for when they fill their needle, women generally, we notice, bi | somewhat of a puzzle to us. | taking nutriment and sleep. Now, sewing is the | pations, and it must be a | surprising infantine phenomenon. The lady in the song, we are told, | could solve a problem in Kuctip before she could speak ; but for a girl | this baby sewer will reap the full advantage of her early education, and to ply her needle when in a state of babyhood, appears to us a feat by no means less astonis We wonder, can this baby sempstress the thread to make it pass ; and how a baby can do this is . But, however this may be, a baby who can sew must be a treasure to its parents, for babies mostly begin squalling when not otherwise en- gaged, and their employments for the most part are limited to acts of ing i ietest of quiet occu- f at blessing when a baby kindly takes to it. As for the infant that has been the cause of these remarks, we hope always competent to take that stitch in time which is proverbially the means of saving needle-ess labour. Reward for Early Hours. WE say to Young Ladies :—“ As rize your beauty, as you value your future prospon’s, go to bed early. ok at Cinderella ! Whenever she went to a ball, she was bidden by her good godmamma to leave rin SINECURES FOR SALE. ‘THERE is nothing at all singular in the following advertisement. On the contrary, enough of such to make the number plural are every week put in the Record, and other organs of the Church :— CHURCH PREFERMENT FOR SALE. R. BLANK is instructed to DISPOSE of the NEXT PRESENT A- TION to the SINECURE RECTORY of Snoozewell. There are no duties of any kind to be performed, and the Living may be held with any other Preferment or Clerical Appointment in any part of the globe, The income is £235 a-year fixed, from which there are no outgoings of any kind whatever. The duties of the Parish are performed by a Resident Vicar, who receives the vicarial Tithes. Age of present Rector, 71. Price very low. Interest would be allowed till possession. Thére is nothing strange, we say, in this announcement. The cure of souls has long been every whit as saleable as the cure of herrings : and even as the cure is, so the sinecure is also. Sinecurist Clergymen are nowadays as common as sinecurist Colonels ; and the plan of getting pay without doing mtg is no more practised in the Army it is in the Church militant, Clerical auctioneers have pulpits by the score to offer from their pulpit, and pluralists who can afford to pao sinecure appoimtments daily hear of something eligible offered to their notice. We mean, therefore, nothing personal to the fortunate possessor of the next presentation to the rectory of Snoozewell, if we veuture here to call attention to the sale of it: nor we trast Ma. Branx feel offended by our freedom if we put into his mouth the following which in offering the pro ight either sing or speak, and enliven it, if he so pleased, by salt accompaniment with which the tune we have selected is eae omen a Arr—“ The Perfect Cure.” Now, gents, draw near, and lend an ear, I’ve something snug to offer, All play and pay; now start me, pray, Come, what ’s the price you ij proffer ? Who’!l buy, buy; buy ?—To a rectory I The next chance can ensure : Don’t fear lest you’ll have work to do, For ’tis a Sinecure. A cure, a cure, a Sinecure! Of this you may be sure, An easy shoe you ’ll step into, A perfect Smecure ! “ A thousand pounds ’”’—“ And fifty ”’—Zounds ! You really must bid quicker : “One hundred ”—“ two””—No work to do, *Tis all done by the Vicar. ‘* Four hundred ”—*‘ Five” —Come, look alive, It’s worth your while, be sure; F “ Six ”’—thank you—“ Eight ’—short time you ’Il wait For this snug Sinecure. A cure, a cure, a Sinecure ! Such slow bids can’t be sure : To all I ery, come buy, buy, buy, Refrain, Refrain. A perfect Sinecure ! THE PRESENT STATE OF LONDON. Tue streets of London are all up, and the blinds all down, We publish the above imformation for the benefit of the ladies who are at the sea-side, and to tell them, much as we may sigh over their absence, that there is nothing immediate or pressing to eall them back to town, and they are fully at liberty to tell their husbands so. It is as well when that importuning admonition does come, that the dear creatures should be prepared with an answer that should be an effectual stopper for some weeks to future importunities. We can assure them that there is not a single person of note left in town, with the exception of the obliging successor of Mr. MartHEw HALL, who is com- | pelled to remain behind to sign the billions of bank-notes requisite for remittances. We had an interview with him only the day before org day, that to us was of the most satisfactory nature. We trust that his wrist, used as it is to autograph work, has by this time ceased aching. An Atmospheric Fact. Mear will not keep in this hot weather, not even in a lodging-house. Though we have seen the meat safe over night, and were pleased to think it was so full of hope, and looked so promising for the morrow’s dinner, yet the next day every scrap would be found to have gone, and gone too beyond all hope of recovery. Meat never goes so 4 y as at the sea-side. In faet, it goes infinitely quicker than it comes. Husbands, who are fond of hot dinners, should go to a marine lodging- house, for they will never see there by any chance a bit of cold meat presieely at Twelve. And what was her reward? Why, she married a ce ! for weeks and weeks together. \ 7 \ ti

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Avueusr 31, 1861. PORTRAIT OF A CERTAIN STUDENT WHO MINE HOST’S REJOINDER. Plantagenet Arms Hotel, “Sir, “* Diddleton. “Berne myself and my wife connected with the hupper classes, having been Butler in the family of a Marquis until such times as | took this Hotel, in conjunction with Mrs. Grirer, which I am proud to say was lady’s maid to a Duchess (also a Countess), I will not bemean myself by Answering Penny Publications, in which i am given to understand there is now many complaints upon the subject $f charges at Respectable Hotels; but as my waiters tell me that some Gents, who should know better, introduce such subjex in conversation, I write these few lines to ask you this question. * do these Snobbs live that complains of our charges ? “T am not myself, nor Mrs. G., much acquainted with the lower | orders, but I am informed by some of my waiters that they 4now | Parties as write to the Penmy press, after they have sneaked out of a Hotel, and made a Gabble at the door, to get away without giving any- thing to the Servants. I am given to understand that these Sneaks, when they are at home, live in a way quite inconsistent with their bluster- ings. I should like to know which of them and their females ever see, much more sit down in, such rooms as mine, except when let out for their Holiday. I am told that when they are showed into my bed-rooms, where everythink is fit for the reception of the real Aristoxy, they stare about as if they were out of their spear, which I make no doubt they are. They touch my Marble wash-stands to find out if it is real marble, which shows what they must be accustomed to, viz., Painted Deel from the Tottnam Ct. Road. As for dressing-rooms, that frightens them, and. oy A me they are going to be Separated for ever, instead of living like ladies andegentlemen. As for a Toilet pale, they look at it like a progidy, and one gent wispered his Wife it were a Spitoon, as many Forreners perhaps came to our Hotel. They complain of charge for Boots, but it is Boots wich ought to complain that his brushes has to go upon such shoes as come here in the autum, some, if you will believe me, Soled and eeled! Do you think such Folk have Napkins at dinner in their own houses, or Finger-Glasses, or Silver forks ? Electuary-silver I should say, sir, if anything better than 3 prongs. But try them with Asparrowgrass, sir, that is the test. Our Queen, IS READING SO HARD AT THE SEA-SIDE. sir, and the real Aristoxy uses her fingers, but these Snobbs look afeard of the thing, and then Giggles, and take forks, and make some Low | joke about looking like Tallow Candles. Then go away and write to a Penny Paper, printing their Bills, (which a party tells me is a Libel, | and might be proceeded against,) but such Ignorance is beneath content, and let the World know that the Snob has once in his life time stopped in a Decent Hotel. By placing the above Remarks in | your own Imitable Way, for I do not profess to be much of an Author, | nor dont want to it, judging by Speciments, no offence to you, Mx. Puncu, who are a gentleman, I shall be much obliged and_so will the Trade, and what I say is, let those who dont like the Manners and Customs of respectable hotels stay at home or go to Slap-bangs, of which I am given to understand there are enuff in hevery Town for all the Snobbs that comes out for a Lark. “Tam, Sir, yours respectfully, “Bumpsuus GRIPER.” “P.S. Que of them had the Impudence to ask my waiter for a Pipe! Being peer Rebuked, went into the Town and Sneeked in | with a Penny Pipe up his sleeve, and locked his Door and smoaked. Perhaps he will write that Fact to his Penny Paper.” One Who Obstinately will Not Leave Town. Tus is the general time for taking holidays. We are all the.more | Pore does not think of taking his | Congé. We are positive that not a soul would object to it, and, even | supposing that he never came back again, we do not think that anyone | astonished, therefore, that the would be churlish enough to find fault with him. We do not know.of a single person to whom change of air would do so much good as to Pio Nowno, and it is time that the obstinate old gentleman was made, for his own good, to take it. HYLAX IN LIMINE LATRAT. A Foot in France has just hanged himself because he has lost his | faithful dog. We shudder to think what may become of the Emperor or Austria, if anybody should run away with Tearem. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Prinscee at their Office in Vomberd 8 Sarwnpar, August 8), 1961. and Frederick Mullett B Place, f No. 19, treet, in the Precinct of Whiteftiary.im the City of Landon, sud Published by them at No. ©, Fleet Street, in the Pariah of St. neen’s Road West, Regent's ‘Park, both in the Parish of St. aa in ae the Clty of _--

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i? MPP er rab typed Serremser 7, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE L ONDON CHARIVARI. How Two FRIENDS OF OURS WHO CAN’T BEAR BEING LOOKED OVER WHILE THEY ARE SKETCHING, CIRCUMVENTED THE IMPERTINENT CURIOSITY OF THE VULGAR. THE PARISIAN MASS MARKET. Some curious revelations of the tricks of the Mass Trade in Paris, have just transpired on the trial of a priest named Vinat for frauds committed by him in that trafic. Not long ago, one of the oldest sacer- dotal firms in Paris, carrying on business at a certain church, was found to have contracted to say, on behalf of the souls of parties deceased, some 30,000 Masses, for which the money had been paid; but the reve- rend contractors had failed to meet their engagements. It appeared that respectable houses and individuals concerned in this branch of commerce, were very generally in the habit of taking more orders for the release of souls from Purgatory than they were able to execute. This discovery led to an ment between the Massmongers and the Booksellers, whereby the latter undertook to act as middlemen between two classes of the former; the priests, on the one hand, who had taken orders to say greater numbers of Masses than they were able, and, on the other, those who were short of orders for Masses. The orders are taken by the priests, at one franc per Mass; and it often happens that one priest has accepted commissions to perform man thousands of Masses at that rate ; bargains which he is unable to fulfil. The bookseller takes the Masses off the hands of the incumbered priests, and allots them to substitutes of the class out of engagements. He pays the priests whose surplus Masses he buys, in books, and remunerates those whom he employs to say them in the same kind, pocketing the a in value, which, on an average, amounts to above 50 per cent. _M. Aspe Vint had mixed himself up with transactions of this kind, having 2 -y the book-trade to the ecclesiastical and Mass- mongery line. th as Massmonger and bibliopole, however, he com- mitted the untradesman-like mistake of falsifying his accounts. In order to save his books, he the Mass-returns. According to the Gazette des Tribunausz :— ‘‘ He had taken 30,000, and had only performed 6,639. He put for one priest who said 60, 360 ; for another who said 35, 385, and soon. He was condemned to three years’ imprisonment, 500 f. fine, and five years’ suspension.” The Rev. Pire Vipau appears to have practised an operation in arithmetic precisely the converse of that which his evangelical studies mee pousitty have informed him, was perpetrated by a certain Unjust teward. On a review of the facts above stated, it will be obvious that the Mass market in Paris is in a state of depression. The tendency of Masses is decidedly downward. It is not enough to say that Masses are flat, however applicable that epithet may be to their purchasers. One franc per Mass is a very low quotation; and by the foregoing account we see that Masses are done by the substitute priests at less than that. When we consider what the Massmongers profess to sell, we cannot but admire the moderation of their prices, which we should have expected to be just thirty times as high. our point of view, of course, Masses are dear at a franc, and would be dear at a farthing. We, here in land, consider that to be capable of exchanging even the smallest sum for such articles, anybody must have more money than brains. In consequence of the foregoing disclosures, Masses must become quite a drug in the Parisian market— a drug whose only buyers will be the poorer class of simpletons, who constitute the bulk of customers for all quack medicines. A Short Memory. “ ¢ And as for England,’ said M. Cremievx, yinsting for his brother-Israelite, M. Minis, ‘who can count upon her?’”—Daily Telegraph. Says Hebrew CREMIEVX, **T should like to know who Can count upon England?” and Punch answers—“ You! When L. N., in a pout, Kicked Republicans out, You could count—and discount—upon Angle-land, Jew.” SOMETHING FOR A RAINY DAY. Tue New Post Office Savings Banks Act is to come into operation | on the 16th of September. We do not know, however, whether we are justified in calling it an Act; for to our fancy it partakes much more of the nature of a saving clause. VOL, XLI. L

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___ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI [Serremper 7, 1861. - at_six o’clock when one with ease could slee : MARTYRDOM SUPER MARE. till nine, makes one feel still more vindictive ia .. | to one’s species. For don’t think that insectal | T the easternmost extremity of | carnivora disturb one. So far as I can learn England, dear Punch, there | there’s not a B flat in the lace, and I believe if is a pleasant little watering-| one were ‘viewed’ the inhabitants would rise lace, which I shall christen | oy masse to compass its destruction. No, what andbath. The townis reach-| wakes me every morning at the hour I have | able (in time) by the Eastern | named, is the shouting of ‘Fresh so-oles!’ and Counties Railway, whose “ex- | ‘ Here’s yar fine blo-o-oaters!’ by gangs of Sten- press’ trains only stop five | tors, men and boys, who keep parading by my times in forty miles, and are | windows without ceasing until breakfast. Now, erely yey an balf-ap-hour | what advantage there can be in this truly aed i: t ‘i — . Ke 210 |‘ erying’ nuisance I confess that it quite passes . ivi — Ave heated ythe | my conception to perceive. Surely everybody advice Of my Pp — £0 | knows that if one wants fresh fish at the sea- recruit after a othe oF un | side, the only way to get it is tosend to London usual ey ai the ~~ | for it. And is it likely any visitor would buy of foods fa tt ty | any salesman who put him daily to the torture I ; “9 lie an mes, pee, | faintly have described? In the autumn a RCS ne Qurpic meetings, and | facced Londoner wants all the rest that he evenings with Gorillas. In ;can get, and if the natives of a watering-place a ree, I OWA, +4 spot | would find their fortunes prosper, they would Th suit f ur _ better . do wisely to secure their guests against annoy- Ene alr 15 0 t aoe et ails jance by keeping up in bathing-time a band of breakfast daily | stalwart beadles, who should drive all bloater- | bellowers and street-squeakers from the town. “T remain, Pench, yours in agony (for there ’s another organ segine’ ** One who*has unfortunately, “ A Musica Ear.” ing quality. | = , on —~ zh, hot gen omen | & and bacon, with perhaps a slice of beefsteak pie by wa of finish; I’ve a hearty lunch of bread and cheese and | bottled stout at noon; and } what I eat for dinner is too monstrous to be mentioned. In addition to these dainties, I enjoy the further luxury of dressing as I please, and can lounge about all day in a wide- = awake and slippers. My wife and daughters too are not required to change their clothes Letter !Perfect. | eleven times a day, as I believe is de rigueur at some more fashionable bathing-places. ceteae | Moreover, Sandbath is at present quite innocent of Cockneys, and one can stroll out without} Ir has always been mentioned in favour of eee ss ee | having to bows with one’s greengrocer, or getting filthy penny ‘ Pickwicks’ puffed | America, that she speaks the same noble lan- guage that we do—though, of course, with a into one’s face by boys in porkpic hats. ; ; here is certainly part Morn!’ as “The place, however, has its drawbacks, other than the loss of time and temper in arriving | slight nasal difference. at it. For instance, why am I not suffered to sleep after six a.m., nor take my after-dinner |of our alphabet that she is getting vulgarly snooze without disturbance? So surely as I settle in my easy chair, so surely a cornopean | intimate with—and that is, looking at her enor- | strikes up opposite my window, or a band of strolling glee-singers carol forth ‘ Hai/ smiling; mous loans at 7 per cent, the three letters, ing a most fitting melody for night-fall. This is bad enough, but to be woke | though she has often repudiated them :—I. O. U. BOMBINA THE BOLD. Accorprn¢ to the Turin Correspondent of the Times, the Ex-QUEEN or Narizs is astonishing the natives and other inhabitants of the Eternal City by frequently going about Rome in man’s attire. He says that— “ With her lord’s privileged nether garments, she affects also manly swagger and bluster. She ‘smokes like a sailor and swears like a trooper,’ as if that looked | pretty or sounded graceful.” Among the comic songs of the last generation, there was one which commenced as follows :— “ Mr. Smapxuns lived at Leeds, And he had a wife beside, Who, as she wore the breeches, Would often wish to ride.” Probably the fair Soria, who is the better half, not of another Lorp | Bateman, but, of the second Francis, would , as she swears like a) trooper, so “ often wish to ride,” namely, in the same military manuer | as that practised by d ms. Francis, late of Naples, is to be con | gratulated on the similarity between his matrimonial relations, and those of the respectable Surexiuns, formerly of Leeds. Would he were | so honest a man ! | ‘The ex-royal Sopnts, by the same account, has a will of her own, | | which manifests itself by the undermentioned indications :— “ High words and angry sarcasms are heard from the Quirinal’s windows. Plates are shied at Royal heads, and fly into the streets to the great scandal of the Swiss | guard at the Palace gates.” | Should Louis Napotzon allow Rome to join the Italian union, and certain refugees take shelter in the safest place for them, heads of pas- | sengers will pecbebly be cut open by plates descending from a window | | of one of the hotels in Leicester Square. Ultimately, perhaps, Sir | Cressweut will be invoked to pronounce a judicial separation between | a pair of illustrious exiles. Their companion in banishment, the Pore, would sanction a divorce which would not liberate the parties 2 vinculo. His Holiness would see necessity of a divorce @ mensd, in a case | the Queen took aim and fired, and the pvor thing wherein the lady throws plates at table, and perhaps bottles. It appears, however, that anybody who might be so rash or so unfortunate as to upset SopH1a, would stand a good chance of having something more dangerous than even a bottle let fly at his . In continuation of the above extract we are told that :— “The Queen, though robbed of her sceptre, disdains to handle the distaff; she carries her dread revolver at her side; she delights in the exhibition of her skill ; she aimed at a cat, the other day, in the Quirinal Garden—a fine Syrian cat, gray. long tailed, and hairy—who was basking in the morning sun (the Queen is up at 5) on the wall hanging over the grottoed fountains and water-works, which are one of the seven wonders of the city of the Seven Hills. Purring, and stretching, and gambolling, did the unwary tabby luxuriate in the sense of blessed existence, when leaped up in the air, hit through her head, and dropped down like lead into a basin of water heneath.” The cat which Sornta is said to have shot is alleged to have be- longed to a Sitegnora Bertazzoni, CaRpINAL ANTONELLI’s sister; and consequently or at least subsequently to the act of felicide of | which her _ oy is accused, she has, we are informed, been almost | cut by the Roman ladies. Let us hope that the accusation is untrue. SopHia may perhaps be masculine in her tastes, and also in her habits, even as much so as Mrs. Sumpxrns of Leeds was. One of her photo- graphs represents her as bearing, in the face, a very strong likeness to the late Lota Montes. We should not be much astonished to find that she really does dress like Mrs. Simpxins, smoke, and swear, and swagger, and throw plates. But we trust she did not shoot the eat. “ Hawks,” says the Seotch proverb, “winna pick out hawks’ een.” | There is spparenty too much of the cat in the composition of the heroine of Gaéta to make it likely that she would have deliberately | slain such a fellow-creature. A female nature, capable of so savage a deed, would be one which would be properly described as canine. What the Tories Say. Lorp Pam has all our confidence, His Subs have less than half; In fact, we like the Constable, But don’t admire his Staff. Tue ontY THING THE AMERICANS HAVE GAINED AS YET BY THEIR Civiz Wan.—The Income-Tax! and we wish them joy of it! Poe ne oe ee. ee ee ee ee si me ES tm ht oo Om Ctr hel oso aaiiie ae bel ck in toi

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September 7, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 95 INFIRMARIES FOR DRUNKARDS. F there is a_ mistake in the word Dipsomania, the error is confined to its two first syllables. There is no mistake about the mania. Tipsy mania is a fact deplorably com- mon. An unfortunate maniac of the tipsy class the other day jumped out of window. An mquest was held upon his _re- maining fragments. The concluding part of the report of that inquiry may be quoted as a warn- ing to the Legislature:-— “ Deceased had never ex- pressed his intention of com- witting s-lf-destruetion, but the family kept # constant watch over him, to his being Ss to intem- P gentl > lative expressed his regret, and also that of the other relatives, that, notwith- standing their endeavours to obtain restraint by means of a lunatic asylum for the unfortunate deceased, and thus to preserve his life, they were unable so to do in ce of being unable to produce a medical certificate. The deputy-coroner said it was to be regretted that there were no means in this country otherwise than by a medical certificate for placing persons suffering from the effects of ex- cessive i P under restraint e believed that if ready appliance and consent were given in many cases of delirium tremens, life would be saved. The jury concurred in the remarks of the coroner, and without further comment returned a verdict of ‘Suicide under temporary insanity.’” Delirium tremens is a privileged delirium, and _a precious privilege it has: the privilege of exemption from the possibility of being put under restraint. The consequence is often, as above recorded, “ Suicide under temporary insanity.” Humanity must admit that the suicide of a sot, even, om, if possible, to be prevented; and, besides, a sot transported with delirium tremens, and bemg at large in that condition, may destroy other people’s lives as well as his own. Some tipsy maniac, one of these days, will throw himself from a second-floor front and tumble on a passing Member of Parliament’s head; perhaps a head entitled to be surmounted with a coronet or a mitre. Then at length will perhaps be added to the Statute Book an Act for the safe Custody and Care of Persons affected with Delirium Tremens. If any Noble Lord or Hon. Gentleman will charge himself with the introduction of a measure for this purpose, let him insert in it a clause for the establish- ment of Sots’ Hospitals, under the more polite denomination, if neces- sary, of Asylums for the Insanely Intemperate, to which institutions every Magistrate shall be empowered to consign anybody who may be brought before him in a state of delirium tremens. PUNISH THE PUBLIC. THERE would be no Thieves, says a dubious proverb, if there were no Receivers. Be this as it may, there is no doubt that there would be fewer thieves if there were fewer Tempters. It occurs to Mr. Punch, who is—even at this season of idleness—busily watching the World, and y aeewe # in order, that a great — of the robberies by Postmen might be prevented, if we began at the other end, and aced less temptation in the way of those who ought to deliver our etters safely. : Walking through Paris, the other day, Mr. Punch paused before a Letter Box, and read something to the following effect. He does not pledge himself to the verbal fidelity of his report, as he did not copy the inscription, for two reasons ; first, because he had no pencil, and pee wh use it was much too hot to be standing in the sun for the good of anybody. But in his exquisite memory was instantaneously photographed the purport of an lm and Imperious notice on the oe of the French Post Office, and the purport of such notice was “ AVIS. “ AO ee ee tan aden @ letter any — of value, as jewellery or the like, or an: a warrant, cou; nk note, or piec money, is li toa Penalty varying from Fiveto Five Hundred Francs.” der ae — What do you x! to that, Sm Rownanp? Why not ask your noble friend and chief, the P. M. General, to get you an Act of Parliament authorising you to issue such a notification as this? Let the Public be warned, instead of the Postman. Punish the Public, and not the miserable prig. Let it be understood that the only security for valu- able pr or be in pition, and that instead of inviting complaints money and other articles wantonly ex; osed had been lost, the loser should be “invited” to pay a heavy fine for such exposure. Treat him as the Police Masistete sometimes (but not half often enough) treats the tradesman who hangs out his wares in the street. We shall have fewer Post Office prosecutions, when the party to be placed in the dock is the Tempter. Think over it, Smm Rowianp ! THE M.P.’s SEPTEMBER SONG. Airn—“ I’m Afloat,” Weare up! I’m a-drift! What matters it where? So I’m free from long speeches, late hours, 2nd bad air ? 1 have pulled through the Session, a mode! M.P., Till they voted sup ply to its last £ S. D. I’ve sat on when all rational men had left town, Till the pavements were up, and the window-blinds down ; I have seen all the bores on their hobbies astride ; Irish Members, for once, in one lobby divide ; I’ve heard Pam upon Arts; I’ve heard Osporve on Arms ; And Rorsuck expatiate on Austria’s charms : But even such wonders have palled upon me, And I’m thankful to feel I am free, I am free Ha! Ha! Ha! &. I have watched the cool Whips, moving slyly about, To make it all snug for a cozy Count When some proser of fifty-bore-power got his night, And rose strong in papers, in wind, and in fight. T have seen the obedient retreat of the pack From the benches before him, and those at his back, Till the limit was reached, and the fatal demand For a “count,” freed the House—a glad holiday band ! But that joy was still chequered ; we knew that the chain We flung off the next morning would rivet again, But ow every morn as it riseth for me, But confirms the glad news that I’m free—I am free! Ha! Ha! Ha! &c. Long vacations may brighten the lawyer’s dim eyes ; Cockney shopmen their sniff of the briny may prize ; Old Paterfamilias may rub off his cares " In the pleasures of Margate, the calm of Broadstairs ; The stout Alpine Club-man, more lives than a cat May risk on the ice of Mont Blanc or Zermatt ; The Yachtsman may boast of his craft, and his pride In cruisings on Solent, and landings at Ryde ; But of all to whom August bri iberty oe There’s none like the overwork’d Parliament hack. None can relish a roll out of ess like me When, the Session once up, I am free, I am free ! Ha! Ha! Ha! &. SPORT FOR DISTINGUISHED FOREIGNERS. Tue attention of foreign noblemen visiting this connie, sit fond of the chace, is directed to the subjoined announcement, from the Moors :— ** Greenock.—Notwithstanding the bad weather and the wildness of the birds, the grouse-shooting in this neighbourhood has been much was expected. They are not yet packed, and some of the young birds sit well and afford excellent sport.” There, M. le Baron, and M. le Comte—there is a chance for you! Some of the young birds sit well, and, therefore, they afford excellent sport. Of course they do; that is a logical consequence, Monsieur, if you are @ good shot, and, whilst they sit so well, fire at them with such precision that they never get up and fly away. Utilising a Nuisance. Mount Vesuvius is showing signs of an eruption. In eruptive cases, we believe, the doctors “throw in,” as they say, a black ’ Crap1nt should try a large “ exhibition” of Neapolitan priests. Even if they did the mountain no , the country would be all the better for the injection. We would give a trifle to hear their De Profundis, Unfeline Conduct. A ParruL rumour got into circulation the other day at Naples, to the effect that the i tnen had committed suicide. impression was, however, dispelled, and a!so accounted for, by the more accurate statement (given by one of our, contemporaries) ; her spirited Majesty had shot a cat that was a favourite with some priests. (

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PUNCH, OR THE AFTER SUPPER-—STRANGE ADMISSION! Mr. S. “ May I wave THE PLEASURE OF WALTZING WITH You, Miss Jonrs?” Miss J. “I wouLD WITH PLEASURE, BUT UNFORTUNATELY I’M QUITE FULL!” A GROSS CASE OF DOG-STEALING. | SPLENDID NEWS FROM WASHINGTON. ** Mr. Puncn, “ Bond Street, Sept.1861. | THe American Correspondent of the Standard states, we know not “NoTWITESTANDING the expense and pains which I have | how truly, that her Majesty Mrs. Lincotn is doing much to make Kine been at to procure for the masters of dogs protection from the hands | ABRAHAM unpopular. Her conduct is described as that of an unedu- of those vagabonds who are constantly lurking about with the intent to | cated female without good sense, who has begn unluckily elevated into inveigle or snatch away from: us our. faithful four-footed servants, all|a sphere for which she cannot fit herself. This may or may not be, England—and I may = i Europe—has just witnessed as gross a case of | but when the writer in question, in designing to clench the nail, adds, e | S Dog-stealing, I will undertake to say, as ever was heard of. | “In fact, Mrs. Lincotn is making a Judy of herself,” we beg to “That well-known gentleman, Mr. Joun Buu, was once blessed | scrunch that Correspondent under the heel of our thickest cricketing with an equally well-known Dog, of the rough Terrier species—a Dog | shoe, and he is hereby scrunched accordingly. Making a Judy of her- invaluable of his kind, for giving the alarm whenever there was any-| self, indeed! What nobler aspiration, what more beautiful ambition thing wrong in the house, and barking furiously at all suspicious | could fill the bosom of created woman? ‘To fit herself to be a Bride strangers. | for Punch, should Azrael, or Str C. C., vary existing arrangements, “This Dog has now belonged to Mr. But for many years, and his | or should Pwxch think favourably of Mormonism! The Correspondent fidelity was unquestioned until lately, when he was seen fawning in an | of the Standard has unwittingly bestowed on Mrs. L. the highest praise extraordinary manner upon an ill-looking foreigner named Francis-| which pen can set down, and if it be true that a lady of such a nature JoserH Kaiser, who belongs to the Spread Eagle. Some say that this | is the | em gece in the Union, the North is indeed to be congratu- fellow contrived to deceive the animal by putting on a pair of top-| lated. We hope to hear more of her Judyising proelivities. boots resembling Mr. Butu’s, which the old og, whose nose is not so good as it used to be, began forthwith to lick, peer, Mn we the difference. “T believe, however, the truth to be that the Dog had been coaxed SOLDIERS OF THE CROSS KEYS over by the fascinations of some member of the Swell Mob, with whom E the fellow is associated, who has patted him on the head, and taken|~ Tx Popolo d’Italia thus concludes an account of atrocities perpe- him up at table, which he had an cppontenity of ey J a little while | trated by the Neapolitan brigands :— ago, when the dog 1S known to have visited the Spread . agle. “ At Viesti and Vico the scenes of pillage and blood defy description. The popu- **T have positive information that the fellow in question was seen the | lace and brigands, not satisfied with sacrificing twelve of the principal families of other day making off with a little Dog, whose description corresponds | Viesti, roasted a Liberal alive and ate him.” exactly to that of Mr. Buxu’s Terrier, under his arm. Should any of} Doing, possibly, some little injustice to a brute which, in spite of its your readers catch sight of this y, whom they cannot mistake, they | teeth, is said to be a carnivorous feeder, the Kine or Napuezs and his are requested to stop him, and make him deliver up the Dog to be | ally the Porz, might say that the cannibals now engaged in a crusade restored to the owner. ‘There will be no difficulty in identifying the | on their account in Southern Italy, are carrying on a Gorilla warfare. animal: a Sheffield Terrier, and answers to the name of Tearem. “Tam, &., “Tue Bisnor or Bonp StReEt.” “A Proor BEFORE Letrers.”—A Postage-Stamp.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Szpremper 7, 1861. GROSS CASE OF DOG-STEALING AT SHEFFIELD.

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1 Med } aaa aS Of oe mS 05-4 FOO ao aed ned

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (As heard by Jowsns of the Treasury about Vacatia To which the voice pee “To-day I saw young B Brown go by Tha ore napge Se oe * Vacation- rent the veil Of his old husk : head to tail He blazed a -tweeded male. * He took the northern night-mail through, Shot grouse, stalked deer, Mar thought mpen the kites he Sow.” I said, “ Of fellows about town, Nature moulds some as a frown ; She smiled when she created Brown. “ She gave him brass ; to shake the bones, Tool four-in-hand across the stones *Tis quite another thing with Jeune. Thereto the silent voice replied, “* Humility that veileth Look through the office : it is wide. “Than Brown—'tis truth that I rehearse— —— , as in Universe, , Many worse.” make thee more inclined ne month thou mayst not To which he answered, “ Good Jonzs supper ofingly it thee, Who’ll care acne ‘Ay six weeks may be? mountain- THE TWO VOICES. I would have said, “Thou canst not know,” But, as it probably was so, I ” the observation go. A the voice said unto me, “'Phou art as bored as bored can be ; *T were best to cut the Treasury. “Thy salary scarce thyself can ~ Sh Up by ten pounds a year to cree Ben now in debt thou art chin-deep ! I said, “I may have an advance ; If I resign, I lose the chance, And for another berth may dance. * A Private Secretary’s place I may pick a But he, * To grace Thy name of Jonzs? A ‘likely case!” “J should be glad to go,” said L “ But how to raise the wind, Ww My wings shall gain the force to fly?” “Think not of that,” the voice replied, “Thy fellow-clerks, on every side, Still for each other's bills provide. “ Acceptances they’ve asked of thee ; Now, in thy turn, essay and see If they acceptors will not be.” I said, “ Of paper I am sick ; The three months wil! come round so quick ; No; rather strive to stretch my tick. “But where is there that I can go? Each English eytarmg pine I know ; Many are snobbish are slow.” “Baden,” the voice replied, “is near. Roulette thy leisure hours might cheer And thy expenses help to clear.” * Or it might clean me out,” I said, “ Down to that last rouleau of lead. Clapped in a pistol to the head.” Time.) I said, “ I know the fact, but Jonxzs Has some com} ion on his bones ; His motto ’s, "Hany he son’ * Besides—not risks to skin, Hotel bills | ioe commons thin, I can sot *ve not the tix!” and sat as one ene ee yl a i When sudden on the air was borne Soft Ae cheer ; sot where "Be aise: Like Parrr’s voice, whene’er she takes One’s spirit, in a brace of And even Brown to “ Brawi aati Such seemed the whisper at my — os nee knowest, ane rea “A hides hope,” the voice replied. “There ’s your old Uncle—he that made His fortune im the India trade— May hop the 4wig—or that old maid, * Your Aunt 3 hence ; Long she has oy ln ba But you’re her heir, if words “ Or there’s that nice girl, with a clear Two thousand Three per Cents. a-year, Now looking for a husband here.” Then forth into Whitehall I went And with the West-ward tide I blent, And wondered at my discontent ! I wondered while I paced along, The very snobs that swelled the throng Seomel heat as the day was long. “The Bernese Oberland sublime,” The voice ma ong ‘that is the clime Where now ’tis fashionable to climb.” jRagedened ig I bod sda. shales. ‘To Commune with the Rather than that which said, “ “Rejoice!” THE LADY AND THE VOLUNTEERS. | and when I have my husband (and his ngton. oN pl in the City has ordered his | sentiments are not the same as mine. Tian yet you n call f Bo ye - es to give ie de their Volunteer- | of the people!’ : ‘4 n heartily ‘of it. to Volunteering I have observed and t not Fosns that I can exaetly recol- purse) with me. Besides, how can you buy colours, for wane * wear, by dori ? Itis a. er a friend « And how are poor servant-girls to , that I praise Since THE EGG AND THE YOKE. for the worse. (communiqué. ) “The EmpPrror OF THE FRENCH, on the an agricultural com- to me (I should soon have walked | mission, will shortly sanction an edict prohibiting the paren of Small Birds or but I have noticed that when they | their eggs."”—French Paper. have asked for, and mentioned its S to think that no more is required . One may take it, or leave it. There is much less eager- much less attempt to guide your judgment and persuade you want, much less of what—I who is prejudiced) calls fawning and > manor in one’s pocket, one buying i, a is not shopping on ua do i. your votes. I minxes waiting on me. Please to support this shop- yr and believe me, Yours sincerely, Honon1a DawpiETon.” agit ‘e pees the Early Closing and the Volunteer business go | every day of ye but Friday; when “ Tre Eagle suffers Little Birds to sing, Nor is not careful what they mean thereby, Knowing that with the shadow of his wing He could at once abridge their Divinest WiittaMs! in frenzy’s hour Did’st see an Eagle (through poms lens) ” it proper Protect the feathered The Little Birds who make of feathers—pens ? awa’ going away, an A Frewxcu Jovrnaist. ou will stand eat ese days we Regular Brigands. AnotHER Fra Diavolo, we are informed by accounts from Naples, has turned actual friar, and founded a new Order of Monks in the interest of Rome, under bs ey: “tase oa: —— phagites. The con- vent fare consists chiefly of roast Li generally having been roasted alive. The brothers areal Ea f apy in this luxury of course they are den to shop in the evening, when it is cool and pleasant, | to eat

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Serremser 7, 1861. | “To destroy Moths, well pepper the edges of the carpets,” &c., &c. Maria has adopted the above receipt.—This represents the arrival of her Augustus, and affegtionate meeting. MR. JOHN BULL TO THE UNITED STATES. ON BEING INVITED TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE AMERICAN LOAN. Dr you ever imagine me lending you money ? Well, of all Yankee notions that %s far the most funny ; Lend you money !—for what when the loan you have gotten ? Why to throw it away in withholding my cotton! Fortune favours the brave, and your courage I own, Notwithstanding Bull’s Run: but rare fortune alone Can afford you success in this maddest of wars. You ’ve no visible chance to regain your lost stars. You ’ll spend all you borrow in powder and ball, And then have to show for it—nothing at all. What dividends, pray, are you like to declare On the debt you ’ll have sunk and blown into the air ? Why, you know that you ’d not stand the slightest taxation That you could get rid of by Repudiation, _ Though of value received in the fullest fruition, Not paying for that which has gone to perdition. The cost of your war you expect to defray By an Income-Tax, do you, and that who will pay ? So keen and so smart in all matters of pelf, To think of a Yankee assessing himself! I know I am rather a sordid old screw, Lending money I care not what for or whom to, So the Party is solvent, but that is, with Jonny, A point pensable—sine gud non. : But, hang it, though cash I may lend to the deuce, secure of mvestment, re, ess of use, When the object is evil, and hopeless the gain, I should be, if I so misemployed it, insane. Last of all, to abuse me, malign, and decry, And threaten to whip and to rob by-and-by, Is not quite the right way, not the language and tone, To get out of me an American Loan. GEMS FROM THE EMERALD ISLE. We wonder, is Her Maszsty a reader of the newspapers? If she be, how mightily she must have been am y the accounts which have appeared of her visit to Killarney, and of other of her doi in the Emerald Isle. The Special Correspondents who have followed her about have, we think, been more than usually profuse in their descrip- tions, and have furnished such minute details of her demeanour that one wonders how on earth they could have been obtained. After nar- rating how the Town Commissioners of Mallow went through the usual bore-ish custom of “presenting a loyal address of welcome,” one of the writers in describing the reception at Killarney, says :— “The QuEEN seemed greatly impressed, and highly pleased with the enthusiasm of the people. When the cortége got down amongst them she bowed repeatedly, to the -— and left, to them with a marked and gracious manner, and frequently smiled, with evident gratification, at the eagerness with which the peasantry, men and women, rushed around the carriage to see and cheer. The cortége passed the grand entrance of Killarney House, and went down the picturesque road towards Ross Island, when they entered Killarney demesne by the keeper's gate, under a triumphal arch. At Presgat Valing, the drive in this Beautiful demesne, the Ken- mare tenantry, with their families, were congregated. They presented a most comfortable appearance, and were loud in their acclamations. In about three-quarters of an hour the Queen arrived at the terrace in front of Killarney House, where she was received. amid great splendour and the loud cheers of a highly respectable assemblage, by Lorp CastTLerosse and his Lady. The Queen was most friendly in her manner, and also very animated.” As described by this historian, this Royal Scene appears to have been witnessed on the stage, there is so strong an odour of the foot- lights in the text. The groups of happy peasantry, the bowings and the smilings, and the chorus of loud cheers, all are just what one remembers in half-a-hundred operas that one with ease could name. In what consisted the “ great splendour,” amid which the reception of Her Masesry took place, it is left to every reader’s fancy to conceive ; but one can imagine how a playbill would have gloated on the “gorgeous appointments” of the scene, and described the “blaze of brilliancy” with which it would conclude. In a scarcely less theatrical and quite as fanciful a vein, another writer in describing the visit to the Curragh Camp, observes :— ** Beyond one or two Irish peasants who happened to be passing, there was hardly a single spectator in the plain. Yet the sight was a suggestive one, though neither very grand or very striking as a spectacle. Apparently it was only three mounted gentlemen looking on at regimental drill. Even the country people present did not know that the Privce Consort was one of these three, or that the fair young officer with black crape on his arm at the rear of the regiment, who was so quick in obeying Cotonet Prrcy’s stentorian orders, and who stood at such rigid attention among the privates of his company till the word ‘ Officers at ease’ gave him and others time to rest and wipe their brows, was the Prince or Waves, the future King of England. Yet there he was, shoulder to shoulder with Privates Surra and Brown, and looking after his company with as much care and eager activity as all the rest of the captains. He looked, as he always does in his uniform, remarkably well, perhaps a little browner, and more robust and formed in figure, even, than he did on that eventful morning when he landed from the Hero, and won the hearts of all the ladies of Halifax by standing under the arch at the dockyard while his photograph was taken.” The ladies of Halifax must be were won by the process here ptible if all their hearts course we understand pooulianly susce escribed. Of their admiration of our Prince, of whom as Englishmen of course we are naturally proud. But standing under an arch while one’s photograph is taken seems to us a most unlikely way of winning female hearts. Men seldom look more ludicrous than when they are “placed in osition” by photographers, and most Adonises would find it a most dangerous experiment to let the lady of their love behold them in their — It ape s volumes for the _— that he could win so mang 1earts while standing in (no doubt) a ridiculous position: thoug whether his conquests were due more to his princedom than his person, is a question which the ladies of Halifax may answer, but on which we mean to keep our own conviction to ourselves. But of all the snobbish bits of Special Correspondence with which the British public has recently been favoured, we incline to think the following should rank in the first place :— “ Her Masesty spent a most agreeable day, and she appeared all through to be greatly delighted. The Queen and Prince ALBert repeatedly expressed their ——_ admiration of the scenery. His Royal Highness said many portions were sublime.” Indeed! did he really! Now, how on earth, Mister Special, did you manage to learn that? You surely don’t mean us to fancy that you stood beside his elbow, and heard with your own ears the words you put into his mouth. Penny newspaper reporters have not usually the privilege of entrée to the Court, yet unless you were received within the Royal circle you could not possibly have heard the observation you report. As the Queen and the Prince Consort are not bereft of eyes, of course they would admire the charming scenery of Killarney, and no doubt their admiration would at times find verbal vent. Cela va sans dire to my ordinary reader, and where then is the of snob- bishly affecting to have heard the Royal words, and to have seen the Royal rapture in the Royal face? It is by such practices the Press is —. In repute, and people think it is the work of a vulgarian to write for it.

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BESS eROrMP er A oe aS Of PSM Ast EY EO Re or Serremprr 7, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ARE MOURNERS TRAVELLERS P mis question the law has lately had to entertain, course with reference to the Publie-House question, al the doings of Enelishes, e doings ame from eradle to coffin. The law didn’t seem exactly to know what to say. Of course the Shakspearian quotation came up, and we heard of the bourne from whieh no travel- ler returns, but this told the wrong way, as it was the traveller on his return from the bourne indicated, who wanted Sage. “Sorrow is dry,” was urged, but the law was dry too, and de- clined to listen to sentiment. Mr. Cannine’s pun about . “his beer with an e, and his bier with an 7,” was admired, but not held to be precisely relevant. That “shedding a tear,” is an equivalent phrase among the vulgar for taking a small g spirits was mentioned, only to procure the instant kicking of the vulgarian witness out of Court, and a similar fate as he. sted 3 i e, . justly nese @ Bevared a who mumbled something about keeping spirits up by pouring spirits down. Finally it was decided, in that humorous manner to the law, that though a mourner, as such, had no more right to drink the most cheerful on in the world, yet as Magna Charta did not enact that an undertaker should not be over- en in liquor, there was a presumption in favour of allowing it to those whom he escorted, and a publican who had refreshed a funeral party was found not guilty of illegal hospitality, a decision in conformity with the precedent that couples Mutes and Liquids. of | cation, a monument to A BRAVE BISHOP. Tue French have been i ing, with much glorifi- i the expedition of et then soci teat Ee comand y wo is no- body in France, with a similar pedi to take the lead. We can forgive the vaunt, in our ure at the improved | morale of our nei . But it aroused the manly pa- | triotism of one man among us, namely, Bisnor Tarr. | Scarcely had he read the mews, when that gallant hierarch threw himself into a vessel, and invaded France single- handed, and attended vy! by a brace of fierce young chaplains. He dashed at on a Tuesday, rallied the Protestants, proclaimed the Thirty-Nine Articles, and the temporal su acy of Victo and having con- firmed the faithful in their allegiance, he hurried on to Dunkirk, and on the same day, and with the same audacit; and fortune, planted more firmly than ever the stand- ard of the British Church. The French were thunderstruck at this double coup of the brave Bishop, and co far from endeavouring to impede him, they allowed hiin every facility for his pro and on the Friday he was at Bonn, beyond the reach of the whole French army. While we have such champions to maintain the cause of our Church, France may stick up as many columns as she ean pay for, and Dr. ULLaTHORNE may preach as many sermons as he likes in the cathedrals which she can’t, or won’t pay for. A Slight Omission. Tue Victors of Bull’s Run and Springfield have a cer- tain right to blow their own trumpets, considering the awful swagger of the North previously to the e ments ; but when GENERAL BEAUREGARD, In a proclamation, profanely informs poo te that “unborn generations shall arise and call them ” we must be allowed to doubt the value of the prophecy, unless the proverbial inaccurate journalists of America have omitted a word. | Did he write “Blessed Rascals” ? A WORD WITH THE VOLUNTEERS. THe universe well knows how immensely Mr. Punch admires the Volunteers. Hath he not from their first starting advanced them his support, and so shielded them from the ridicule which might have otherwise been hurled at them? Hath he not in fact made the move- ment what it is, the glory of this island and the terror of the Continent ? Guided by the promptings of his “ sagacious instinct” (to which Lorp PaLMERSTON so pointedly referred the other day, in his speech on installation as Warden of the Cinque Ports), Mr. Punch saw from the first that by the growth of Volunteers there would be saved the cost of increase of the Army; so his feelings as a tax-payer inclined him to regard them with considerable favour, and to lose no chance to pat them on the back. Mr. Punch is free to own that on the whole his pets have shown themselves deserving of his patronage, and that their prowess in sharp- shooting proves them worthily descended from their ancestors of old, who were so admirably skilled in drawing the long bow, and when they shot an arrow, gave the enemy they aimed at an-arrow chance of life. The dreary drudgery of drill is far more paleeey submitted to than by many a pipe-clayed Fo het was averred would be the case; and if at a review a ramrod has with the best regulated regulars, and one must not blame the Volun- teers alone for having suffered them. But there are many minor matters connected with the movement for which the hand of a reformer might fitly be invoked, and this hand (with a pen in it) Mr. Punch would fain stretch out. For instance, if the Volunteers have any music in their souls, why do they let their bands perform such pitiable tunes as nine corps out of ten appear con- tented to step out to, but which have nothing in them inspiring to a soldier, and indeed seem only written for the small boys in the streets ? Surely quite enough of martial music has been written to save the need of aplaving nigger melodies to march to, and there surely is as_much that is inspiring to a Rifleman in such a tune for instance as the “ British Grenadiers,” as in the silly “‘ Perfect Oure,” or the sillier “ Sally Come Up.” Yet for once that one og ee e former march performed, one hears a hundred brayings of the latter stupid tunes: and one feels tempted to su that as the bands appear so fond of playing nigger- songs, they ought to black their faces to make the thing complete, m shot away, such accidents have chanced | R, Another nuisance to be quashed is the trick that some corps have of returning from a march in the middle of the night, and of making the night hideous with the blaring of brass bands, thereby awaking sober eople out of their first sleep. How many si ms have suffered rom this cause, the doctors might perhaps supply statistics to point ‘out ; but it really is too bad that a whole town should be disturbed, because Private Brown or Buaerns is getting rather tired, and wants | the stimulus of music to spur him on the march. | There are other faults and follies whereof Mr. Punch has heard, which all true Volunteers should lend their help to crush, as they tend to | bring the movement into disrepute. For instance why some Riflemen ‘can’t walk out in their uniform without lighting a short pipe, is a mys- | tery which time as yet has failed to solve; nor 1s it a whit plainer to / non-military minds why some Volunteers should hold themselves quite | free to smoke on railways without asking for permission, and to puff their smoke in the face of fellow-travellers without thinking it possible | that it may not be liked. These are some of the things done by the fast men of the movement, | who seem to emulate the Yankees in going a-head of due propriety and out-running good taste. But Mr. Punch feels sure that our fastest Volunteers will never emulate that “unfortunate rapidity of move- ment” by which the Yaukee Volunteers were distinguished at Buil’s un. A Trifie from the C. C. C. Ir seems that remarkably queer indiwiddle Whom Cockneys describe as the Baron DE VIDDLE, Has turned out unable a jury to diddle : They thought his excuses were mere faddle-fiddle, And offered a simple reply to his riddle ; So Baron pe Vipu.’s shut up in the middle Of life, by a verdict of “Treated his kid ill.” THE ROAD TO RUIN. “The Federals, after the Springfield defeat, have fallen back upon Rolla.” Tis really looks like going to smash. At least, we all know where an English Manager is going, when he falls back upon Pizarro.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SerremBer 7, 1861. UrBANE PassENGER. (Morning Express). “ Like to see the Morning Paper, Sir?” GHOSTS WITH A GRIEVANCE. A Case has just occurred, on which Mr. Punch would like the opinion of his friend, Canpryat WIsEMAN, or some other doctor in Catholic theology. A French priest, the ApBé Vipat (not Vinit) has been found guilty of divers acts which the tribunal of the Seine has been profane enough to describe as swindling, and the holy man has been sentenced to three years’ imprisonment, and a fine of £20. He had been into what is called the Mass Business, that is to say he had accepted commissions to say, or procure to be said, Masses, for the benefit of the souls of various persons. His charge was not high, for he demanded only Tenpence per Mass, and he received 33,194 commis- sions, at this reasonable rate. Had he executed these commissions, he would have discharged his duty to the satisfaction, we presume, of the living and of the dead. But the Aspé Vinau did nothing of the kind. He procured only 6,634 Masses, and pocketed the rest of the money, to an amount exceeding £1,000. Consequently there are 26,560 Masses wanting. Now, it appears to Mr. Punch, that unless the Church interferes, this state of things is excessively hard upon the parties who are in the qartee described by Dante in the middle omen of the divine poem. nd Mr. P. wishes to know how their rights are to be maintained? Their surviving friends paid for the Masses, and may be dead themselves, or may have no more francs to spare, or may choose to believe that among the 6,634 persons who were taken care of, their relatives came in—the world is selfish, and credulous when credulity saves money. What is the position of the 26,560, or, (as probably many persons took a quantity of an article to be had so cheaply) of those who were entitled to a share in that mass of Masses? Imprisoning the Abbé is an act of secular justice, not one of religious service. Will the Church interpose, and declare the defunct parties entitled to the benefit of all the Masses that were paid for, but not said. This would be an act of justice and of mercy, but like most acts of justice and of mercy, it would be to the detriment of the priests. They have a vested right m the mitigated-sulphur department, and would claim to be paid. Will the Church pay them—taking the Masses at trade- price? Kither this should be done, or hard labour should he added to SweEL (Gov. Clerk). “ No, thanky—ah—if I wast’ read Paper now, shouldn't have anything to do when I goi to the Office 1"? | the Abbé’s sentence, and he should be obliged to attend daily in the | | gaol chapel, and clear off the arrears, under the eye of a gendarme. | The unworthiness of the minister we know makes no difference in the efficacy of the rite. | Punch’s special licence to haunt the AncHBIsHoP oF Paris from XII to I every night until further notice. THE LONDON BARRICADES. Because they are always taken up, of course. Anybody could guess an honest man’s acceptances to be taken up, if his clerk has to make a the statement should be “Vo Thoroughfare,’ and that this should be held as a plea at law. It is too bad that the Gas Companies should ruin at once our roads and our credit, and sell us abominably dear and bad gas into the bargain. We should like to consult Serseant Gas-LEIGH as to whether one could not bring an action against the Companies, send them a writ and tell ’em to put that in their pipes. Vive Lours Napotgon! There is no possibility of taking up /zs new streets, and he is entitled to be regarded as a Double Wonder of the World, being at once a Sphynx and a Colossus of Roads. A Capital Change. Tue Germans have a manner peculiar to themselves, wishing doubt- lessly to be extremely Frenchy, of giving Paris the pronunciation of Paresse. We do not disapprove of the affectation ; on the contrary, we think it very characteristic of the place, having always looked upon Paris as the capital, par excellence, of Idleness. We do not think a Frenchman, even, would object to hearimg the chief town of his affections called “ La Ville de Paresse.” ( te. Unless gomething of this sort is done, the cheated | defunct have a right to complain loudly, and they hereby receive Mr. | Way are an honest man’s acceptances like the streets of London? | a stupid riddle like that. But a more difficult riddle is, How are | circuit of nine miles to get from Piccadilly to Lombard Street ? | Mr. Punch really thinks that, in the present state of things, instead of | the “No Orders,’ which he has heard of as a label on a neglected bill, Printed by William yi 4 of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen's Road West, Regent’s Park, both in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the ona, at . n Printers, at their Office Satvapar, September7, 196). Lombard Street, in the Precinct of W hitefriars, ia the Cityof London, and Published by them at No. 8, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in the of ndoa.—

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SepreMBER 14, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. o = = Pee es + _ » wae = | VW i ys 2 We maa SHarp Littte Boy. “ Oh! I say, Pa! I know scinething,—TI do.” Papa (encouragingly). ‘ Well, Charley, what is it?” SHarp Littte Boy. “ Ah! J know why Cousin Tom and Sister Maria won't sy —S — ee SSS eee SS SSS SSS gail? | Puy Oil / ' - Vip, mm cat Onion Sauce! But I won't tell,’ cause Cousin Toir'll lick nel” M. BLONDIN’S BUMPS. Iy one of our cheap Re mec a gp has appeared a letter on the phrenological and physiological characteristics of M. Buonpry, by a | gentleman whose signature is Frepertck Bripess, “ Author of Phre- nology made Practical,” a compact little manual of that science, embellished with instructive illustrations. Premising a statement of the way in which he procured an introduction to the subject of his sketch, Mr. Brunezs tells us that :-— | ‘* BLoNDIN is affable and agreeable, without any of that stuck-up self-importance ,; So common to public men. When I explained to him the object of my visit, he at | once allowed me to make a phrenological and physiological examination of his head and general system.” _We are sorry to find that, according to the experience of Mr. Bripcks, a common characteristic of public men is stuck-up self- importance. We rejoice in learning that M. Bionpry is an exception to the rule. Only we should like to know the compass within which Mr. Brupegs speaks in alluding to the public men whom he ranks with a famous ro e-dancer. Warriors, statesmen, divines, artists, authors, actors, and eminent acrobats, are they generally alike distin- | guished by stuck-up self-importance, and by having, as they must have, | according to phrenology, a large organ of self-esteem? Dr. Gat supposed that this organ was connected, in animals, with a tendency to | mount aloft. Some other, perhaps, performs a similar function in the brain of M. Bronpin. The following is the account given by Mr. Bripces of M. Buoyp1y’s phrenological peculiarities :— | ‘The formation of his head indicates a well-balanced brain. The organs of con- centrativeness, constructiveness, combativeness, imitation, size, and weight are large. Cautiousness and the reflective organs are also highly marked. This com- bination gives cool courage, bold , circumspection, and calm judgment, and unity of action of the various organs of the brain and general system. Many per- Sons labour under the impression that BLonp1n’s feats upon the rope are dangerous ; So they are, but not tohim. He is as much at home upon the rope as the squirrel is in its gambols from tree to tree.” The organisation above specified would do pretty well for a Six | Isaac Newton, one would think, as well as fora Bronp1n. “ Cautious- | ness and the reflective organs” would have been expected by few to be | found “highly marked” in the head of a man accustomed to dance on a tight-rope 150 feet high. The natural suggestions of those organs | must, in such a case, be prodigiously modified by the force of “com- bativeness” and the conscious ability of “constructiveness,” “size,” -/ and “weight,” to enable a cautious man on so narrow a footing, at such an altitude, to reflect on his situation without shuddering, and, | consequently, tumbling off his perch. How about “hope” and “firm- | ness ?”? The former of these organs might be conjectured to be necessary | to inspire a person practising M. BLonD1y’s vocation with confidence in the probability of not breaking his neck, and the latter to assist in maintaining the steadiness which alone could avert that accident. | As things which are equal to the same are equal to each other, and as the wondrous L&orarn’s performances very nearly resemble those of the astonishing BLonpIy, their phrenological developments ought to be exceedingly similar. The portraits, however, of L&orarp exhibit a type of head which can hardly be much like BLonp1y’s, for it is quite the reverse of that exhibited by the bust of Socrates. Mr. Brinees says, no doubt truly, that Buonpin is as much at | home upon the rope as the squirrel is in its gambols from tree to tree. The squirrel is an admirable acrobat ; so is the monkey. Anti-phreno- | logists may object that neither the squirrel nor the monkey are endowed with the cerebral development of M. Bronpry. To this objection, | however, Mr. BrrpGEs may fairly answer that, as it takes a wise {man to make a fool, so also it asks a philosopher to emulate a jackanapes. The announcement that M. Bionpry has a well-balanced brain, will | be accepted without cavil. That gentleman’s brain must be at all | times extre .ely well balanced to preserve its balance on the cotwne. | If, in that situation, it were unfortunately to lose its balance, M. | Buonprn would inevitably have a great fall, and then all the horses, }and all the men, of Her Most Gracious Masesty would be as fruit- \lessly employed in attempting his reconstitution, as the stud and the retainers of a former Sovereign were in the endeavour to effect that of Humpty Dumpty. VOL, XLI, M

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Szpramper 14, 1861. ‘ tang CULE Th CALLGA Sif a i2 LJ Za zzz; EG vA Ni The Passrncrr. “ Well, you say you’ve put all my Sor '—I thought you were forbidden to take Money f Porter. “So we is, Sir. We never ‘takes’ it—it’s a ‘given to us!’” CUO =— Luggage safe, what are you waiting ” | SPECIMEN OF LYING. THeERz is a good story of a French soldier, who was-near | his officer at a siege, when the head of the latter was taken | off by a cannon-b Friends of the officer came up, and ithe brave soldier said, “ Yes, gentlemen, he had only time | to say to me, ‘Take my purse. and my watch, and he was |dead.’” But the story will not stand alone in its good- | ness, since the last news from America. The unfortunate | Genera. Lyov, according to the Special Correspondent of /one of the New York papers, “ was shot straight through the head. I asked him whether he was hurt. He. sad, |*I think not much,’ and those were his last words.” | Lions are tenacious’ of life, and Yankees are credulous of | lies, but this will iardly do. And it is “too bad” that a | brave soldier, ki im service, should furnish the: subject of a ridiculous h to a lying pemny-a-liner: We don’t wonder that the New York Herald, though itself Mendaz in Bevelsis, is begging the authorities to put the press down. A’ THE PAVEMENT. ’S G® AGAIN. BY SANDERS) Mf PUNO Tuxs—* Fomiliar Bagpipe?” A’ the pavement’s up agains A’ the pavement’ up agaim;. What for I dinnwitem;; A’ the pavement *»upagan! Rooit, tooit, tooit, tooth, : _ A’ the — *ssup again! Strandie blockit, nae ’bus througibit, Muckle stanes the way to men’, Granite frae the mountaimglen, Aff a? the busses fen’. Ho the siller Cockniessspen’ ! A’ the pavement’s upagain ! Da: capo senza fine. ~ (AHN y A Bit of Muscular Christianity. Some one was saying that developing the muscles tended | to increase firmness of body as well as character, when one | of the pupils of Guy Livingstone said, “Trae, you must go ‘amongst the Mussulmen, if you want to see a firm(-m)an.” OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. “Dear Puncn, “What with Bronprn and BeerHoven, flower-shows and Fucuter, déjeuners and dances, rowing-bouts and_ races, -and- | Magog banquets and lectures on Gorillas, conversaziones and Crystal | Palace coneerts, pic-nics and new pictures, Art meetings and ‘ Aunt Sally’ meets, there has been this year in London no lack of entertain- ment, and a man may well feel 4/asé whose sole business in the season is merely te amuse himself. As for the poor critics whose task it is to chronicle the various amusements, one mer nagne their relief when | this high-pressure time is past, and how t ful they must feel when | there is ‘nobody in town’ to go to any theatre, and therefore to be told | which theatres mt to, After nine months of hard work in seeing all the plays produced, and for national information commenting thereon, how gladly must a critic retire to some spot, where great trage- dians are unknown, and the small beer of the Stage is by no chance ever broached. And how pleasant must it be to him, as he sets forth in August, to think that till November he is quite safe from a summons to report on a new piece, and that he may feel quite easy in his con- science, however far he may be | away from town. “My thoughts took some such idle flight as this the other day, while my hands were, with the laboured indolence of Englishmen, employed, till the Zimes came, in pitching stones into the or building sand- Sebastopols to amuse my youngest son. And when the 7imes did come, I could scarce believe my spectacles when I saw announced, ‘ Next | Saturday, a new and never-acted Comedy!’ A new comedy now, in| the first week of September! Oh, there must be some mistake! ‘ Next | Saturday,’ no doubt, has been misprinted for ‘ Next Christmas.’ So I | yo a seore of papers, in the hope to prove the fact. But no,—in all of them ‘Next Saturday’ stared me in the face; and as [ had never before heard of a new comedy in autumn, I resolved, if it were only for the novelty of the thing, to come to town ‘for one night only,’ and to see one. , body “* The Soft Sea (‘ Les Femmes Fortes,’ as it was called in Paris) is. by the former no means, to my thinking, a condemnable production,—or translation were perhaps a more befitting word,—although by some mischance its first night was threatened to be its last. But authors grow too wise to be biassed by first nights, for they know that people easily are led by the ‘ Noes,’ and blindly echo one another, like a pack of geese, when they begin to hiss. Still, if managers are so lazy as to let new plays be played with hardly a rehearsal, they cannot wonder if an audience ex- press its disapproval, and make itself as disagreeable as it can. The plot is not the most connected, and has several excrescences ; but there is enough of story to save the play from dragging, and several of the scenes have quite enough of novelty to keep one’s interest well awake. The dialogue is brisk, if it be not brilliant; and the — of stage law which is scattered through the piece will amuse those junior legal spiders who have come back from their holiday, and, while their seniors enjoy themselves, are left to mind the web. **There is nothing vastly novel in the characters, may be, but they are most of them amusing and serve quite well enough for the couple of hours’ acquaintance with them one enjoys. One certainly would not like to pass much longer than that time in so hot-watery an establish- ment as that of Boilover Hail, where the ladies try to show the supre- macy of their sex by walking down to dinner independent of the gentle- men, to whom the privilege is yielded of playing the piano, and pouring out the tea. Good specimens are given of several of the species of weak strong-minded women by whom the world was threatened some few years ago; from the oratress who gabbled about Woman’s Rights and Mission, to the doctress who had mastered all the arts and sciences, but was no more fit to be the mistress of a household than she was to be the mistress of a heart. Moreover there is no stage lover in the comedy; and this, considering that such characters are at the Hay- | market invariably handed up to Mr. Howe (a very useful actor, but seen to more advantage as John Ironbrace, the blacksmith, than in more | tender parts) I think that there are many will is no great loss. The only bit of love-making is knocked off in five minutes just when no- expects it ; and as it takes place between Mr. and Mrs. MaTueEws, | of whom is a wild, whittling, harumscarum Californian, who |

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we ee E - Och rR wo @ SerremBer 14, 1861.| PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. 105 does his courting over the packing of a linen chest, it may be fancied that the scene is far less sentimental than it is grotesque. “Qn the whole, then, the Sof¢ Sez, if not exactly worth a journey up from Hastings, will quite repay aride from Hislington or Haldgate, an as the inhabitants of London in the months of Hautumn live mostly in the Heast, it is to them that [ would hemphasise my hadvice to go. “One wHo Pays.” A SOCIAL SCIENTIFIC QUESTION THAT REQUIRES A SOCIAL SCIENTIFIC ANSWER. E are told, both on the Stage, and in the most circles of Saciety, gg ”= ever t of :payi his em Tak ing it for gran that such is the custom amongst gentlemen (and not being in the trade, how can we possibly know any- thing to the con- trary ?) we want to know how it is, since Tailors are proverbially never paid, that so many = of them succeed in making their fortunes? Seem- ingly, they get rich upon nothing, and > we would wi ingly give them one half of every- —— they would only impart the secret tous. There is evidently more in a gentleman’s pocket than we, who unfortunately never make clothes, or have them sent to us to be repaired, are aware of. POTS IN BROADCLOTH AND KETTLES IN PLUSH. Mr. Poncu has not failed to utter himself on the great Master and Servant question, as on all other questions of the day. It is long since, in his two series of Flunkeiana and antgalism, he lashed the | immense impudence that occasionally clothed itself in plush and pow- der, and the awful arrogance that flounces up and down the area-steps, | levies blackmail on the tradesmen, cultivates clandestine relations with | the purchasers of kitchen-stuff, and finally discharges itself in avalanches , Of abuse upon unfortunate uses. ' 5 But Mr. Punch, if unmerciful, is impartial. His blows fall with | Rhadamanthine equity on high and low alike. He can no more satisfy | the sufferers under his scourge by this equal distribution of his favours, | than the drummer could when, after doing his best to lay the cat evenly | about the offender’s back, he was driven to complain, “ Hit high or low, | there’s no pleasing you.” But no doubt the drummer himself expe- ad been laid on with strict distributive justice. And so does Mr. Punch. He flogs fair, i the views of his floggees. ; So now that the tide of the Zimes letter-writers sets strong against poor Plush, and the sleet of Paterfamilias’s scorn drives bitterly into the Housekeeper’s room, let Mr. Punch remind the sufferers under their domestic tyrants, whom they pay and feed to rule over them, that this question, like every other, has two sides to it; that, in this matter, as in others, there is no effeet without a cause, and no effect that does not become a cause in its turn. Mr. Punch is free to confess that Servants are, too often, immense nuisances. ey are apt to be insolent and overbearing ; saucy and scornful; forgetful that Plush, like Property, has its duties, as well as its rights; wasteful of their masters’ sub- stance; careless of their employers’ comforts; content with the most superficial eye-service ; wolves in appetite; peacocks in attire ; sloths in service; and jackdaws in pilfering. Who, like Punch, has touched these household pests on the raw ? 3 But the Masters and Missusses have their raws too, though it is not so — touch them, with pen or pencil. The plain English of the matter is that Servants are as a class, what Masters and Missusses have made thing we make, if e Ae likes it, and not in any hope to meet | them. It is true, that as one black sheep will scab a flock, so one rogue | in livery will taint the whole Servants’ Hall but the virus, in nine cases | out of ten, comes from up-stairs. Think, my worthy Smr ApRicius DE | TaBLeY—when you are blowing-up your stately twelve feet of powder, white choker, canary cloth, cotton lace, and orange plush, because they | turn up their noses at cold mutton and find even the “ plain jints ” of the second tableamonotonous—of the dinner served up to you every day, and the fuss you make about it. Think of the position M. B&cHAMEL, your unequalled e4e/, holds in your household, your affections, and your wages-account, Think of the conversation, the guests, the “ walks and ways” at yourown table, and then honestly ask yourself whether, when Master is doingsuch daily devotion to Saint Belly, you have any right to scold Jouw Tomas for bowing before the somstiier, andl waking is | humble offering:m the Servants’ Hall, to the saint whom his master 13 | on his knees ‘to, two good hours daily, in the costly rites of the dining- reom And poy Mast Noble Graee of Frrz-Piantacewet, who stand aghast.at ‘the insolence of that creature—your maid, Mannikun! Can’t | you, guess where she got that trick of carrying her nose so high? Do yon suppose her perquisites are confined to your Graee’s cast-off gowns anil 'laees—that she can wear these without catching, in a second-hand | omg, Septenests of the original proprietor? If you look on yourself | as'thefiévres of society, what right have you to be savage when she | assumes'to be its Worcester or best Staffordshire stoneware? If she.) isu'ttherose she.has lived too near to the rose not to catch a faint | reflection of its superfine scent and aristocratic colour. You ought to ‘know that sneering is as contagious as small-pox, and that scorn- fulness and self-love can no more be kept to oneself than seald-head. of discharging their vials of wrath — the Servants’ Hall, suppose people set to work diligently to disinfect their dining and.drawingeoms? How, Task, is Jzames to respect the dignity of labour, when my Lorp Lo.imeton, behind whose chariot he clings with his twin colossus, shaking awfully as to calves, glories in being | the laziest of human beings ? hen young CIBBERWRIGHT is groaning | over the crumpled roseleaf which that abandoned housemaid has left in | his mattrass, has he any right to lift his eyebrows because young Cr- | BERWRIGHT’S Own man is indignant at being put into a bed without | curtains ? -| Do you suppose those glorious armies of flunkeys which mancuvre | round dinner-tables can be trained to stop their ears, as easily as they | can to keep down their grins and ws—that they don’t hear and | penser what the people whose plates they are changing praise and | believe in, and laugh at, and are interested about. Remember that | Master and Missus think nothing of being seen en déshabillé by the butler or the housekeeper. As man and woman too is an imitative animal, can we wonder that the face should be occasionally mimicked instead of the mask—the real Master or Missus instead of the company one? Remember too that Mr. Butler or Mrs. Housekeeper is bound to you by no legal tie but wages. If there is to be any other bond between up-stairs and down, it must be one of Master’s or Missus’s making. The sum and substance of the matter, in Mr. Punch’s notion, comes to this :—Tell me what the Masters are, and I will give a shrewd guess | at the Servants. Show me a picture of the Drawing-Room, and 1 will | find you a faithful reflection of it in the Servants’ —mutatis mutandis, of course, but with the balance of light and shade very, very much the same. When luxuriousness, show, parade, pretention, selfishness, worldliness, and veneer, in all fashions, rule above-stairs, what right have we to expect that frugality, simplicity, diligence, humility, faith. fulness, and “the genuine article,” should be the staple commodities of the area-level ? SHEFFIELD’S POLITICAL J. A. R. We copy the following from the Sheffield speech of Mr. Rorzuck, . . i i i é 4 —_— ee a conscientious pleasure from the thought that the whipcord | as it is reported in the Morning Stor ‘There was a thing (Punch) much bandied about that day, in which the Emrsror | or AvusTrRIA is represented as having run away with the dog ‘ Tearem ;’ but had he run away with the dog? was not he here—(/aughter)—and what had the Emprror or Austria done to make him carry him away?” Mr. Roesvckx is ont to call Mr. Punch “athing.” The retort is scarcely so powerful as we should have expected, and, moreover, we believe “a thing” is generally a term of sarcasm used by women when inarage. Weare not angry, only disappointed. We will not retali- ate. In short, to please our Jonn ARTHUR, whom in former days we have greatly admired, we will consent to be called “a thing ; and if in return, we are asked what is our opinion of Mr. RorBuck, we will be perfectly content to say “ ‘No-thing.” American Unity. Mrs. Sxowe has published a long and grandiose letter to an Bnglish nobleman on American affairs. It is dated before “t id move- ment” of Bull’s Run, and the lady observes that “the North rose like one man.” Would she kindly mention what man, and also why he ran away like one woman.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SepremBer 14, 1861. REAL ENJOYMENT. | Charley (who is wet through for the ninth time). “OH,Ma! We've BEEN so Jotty! WrE’vE BEEN FILLING ONE ANOTHER’S HaIR WITH SAND, AND MAKING Boats or ouR Boots, anD HAVING SUCH FUN!” NAPOLEON TO NONO. § the Eve of the Removal of the French Army | JSrom Rome. | Hoty Father, ere we part, Take, oh! take my words to heart ; And if they disturb thy rest Think them uttered for the best. Hear my counsel eré I go: Shut up shop, Pro Nono! By thy Saints, whose pictures wink While thou art on destruction’s brink : By thy priests, who in their sleeve Deride thee, though they feign to grieve : By thy “friends” I bid thee go, Shut up shop, Pro Nono! By thy brigands unconfined, Raisers of the papal wind: By the hate their deeds have sown For thee, and for thy rotten throne : By thy foes I bid thee go, Shut up shop, Pro Nono! By thy want of common sense, By thy lack of Peter’s pence ; By the cropper thou wilt come When French, support is ordered home, Away thy temporal power throw : Shut up shop, Pro Nono! Holy Father, when I’m gone, Fly to England quick, alone : Hire a cosy lodging there, A three-pair back in Leicester Square : There at thine ease thy ’bacca blow, And die in peace, Pro Nono! Wuat way will the Pneumatic Railway go ? Why of course, through Hollo(w)way. | |. | BOYS PLAYING AT BLOODSHED. One would think that a battle-field was a playground, and that a battle was somewhat of the nature of a game at football, judging from | the sportive manner in which the horrors of war are generally narrated by the gentlemen who witness them. For instance, in describing the battle of Springfield, a correspondent of the Missouri Democrat thus writes :— ** The enemy came fresh and deceived our men by bearing a Union flag, causing them to believe SicEL was about making a junction with our forces. Discovering the ruse just in time, our gallant boys rushed upon the enemy, who, with four eannon belching forth loud mouthed thunder. were on the point of having their efforts crowned with success, and again drove them with great loss down the slope on the south side of the hill.” “Our gallant boys rushed upon the enemy.” Why “boys”? Is recip’ slaughter and mutilation child’s-play ? Bo martial com- batants thrust bayonets into one another’s stomachs, and shoot each other through the chest with rifle bullets, knock off their adversaries’ heads and limbs and exchange bombshells by which, on either side, they are ripped up and | torn to pieces, for fun? Are bleeding gashes, crushed limbs, scattered brains merely the diverting incidents of a juvenile pastime ? and good ; if not, why “boys ? ” | When a collision occurs in a tunnel, or when an engine runs off the line, and, two or three carriages being hurled down an embankment | some ten or twenty passengers are consequently smashed to death, and three or four times as many are dismembered and lacerated, do we call ' the victims and sufferers “boys” and “girls?” If not, why not, so | long as it is usual to describe as “boys ” adult men engaged in inflicting | and receiving injuries which are precisely similar if not more horrible. | Is there, amongst the mass of people, a gregarious kind of tacit | understanding that warfare and its occurrences shall be ordinarily mentioned, related, agd alluded to, in a vein of merriment, a light semi- | jocular style, characterised by that sort of playful fondness for com- patriot-belligerents which is evinced in calling them “boys?” Is it | generally felt that such levity of expression in narratives of military | carnage is advisable for the mutual encouragement of those who may be | called upon to engage in it or to contribute to its expenses? The idea, involved in the term “boys” applied to troops in action, that war is | come in handy enough. He is a p ; t ; only a plucky puerile game, certainly suggests quite a cheerful view of | well dried, as there is not a greater bore than trying to light wood with: | an employment which consists in the interchange of diabolical outrages. Tf so, well It does not appear to be thought expedient to call a man who goes to the stake, or the block, for his creed or his country, a “boy.” Phy- sicians who risk their lives in combating a pestilence, are not deemed suitable persons to be denominated “boys.” An army-surgeon who coolly operates under fire, and thus shows more courage than anybody else in the regiment, is the last person in it that anybody would think of styling a “boy.” It-is therefore not necessary to the exertion of bravery that men should be cheered on to run into the cannon’s mouth | with the thoughitless impetuosity inspiring the sort of hero who is | commonly called a “boy,” but might with much greater propriety be called a fool. Anybody endowed with both bravery and brains must object as much to being termed a “boy” as Coriolanus did. Juvenile boxers, at | Eton and elsewhere, may well enough be applauded as “brave boys ;” but in the word “boy” applied to a grown soldier, and in all the rest of the sprightly cant which disguises war’s realities, there lurks a very duepicalle and disgusting humbug. ITALIAN THEATRICALS. et their own knocked off with cannon-balls, and | Until. further notice, THE BRIGAND. To be followed by THE VOLUNTEERS, To Conclude with | FINISH HIM OFF! | Vivat Victor Emmanuel /) [Priests in Arms not permitted. | VERY THOUGHTFUL IN HIM. A Quack pamphleteer, trading on recent accidents, announces “ The ill come towards the end of October, we sw . also nilanthropist, but let his paper be Coming Fire.” It w ; | (at least cold evenings generally — and then his pamphlet wi | damp pages. «| MELLa€ AHL OP NOA GOvId CHL LAOGV SUALOVUVHO 'TOALANOd FO SLMOS TIV DNIDVUNOOND TUV NOK—i adOd ‘SUN ‘Od L.NOM SIHL, WANOOS AHL Os ‘

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Page 113

Supramper 14, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

INHOSPITALITY TO PUNCH. ASSIONATELY indignant, at, yet not less in sorrow in anger, we cut the subjoined para- graph out of a newspaper :— “Pounce anp Jupy at A D1s- count in. Oxrorp.—On Thu evening the etor of a Punc! and Judy esta’ ent announced at the close of his performances in the Street that, after ob- as very gracious permis- sion the t ae cea ‘in Ma; to perform ‘for one and for one day only,’ his his receipts d to tk hich he intended to spen d in Primes for Toby, after which he should leave this ancient and loyal city with himself to

a = and betake itney, Woodstock, Banbury, or some such spirited spirited places, where the people had sense to appreciate, and ne to encourage native

all Tama Ay which the most enthusiastic adorer_ of the dvne Wigton, himself m must ype < aad be Al. anger we hereby vent on the head of the unm Py ens _ sarcastically above described as the Right a tl can hae no more right to be warhiped than anol image y | well-cons' imdeed, would have yed more sympathy ba 4: and Judy than the little was evinced ty eoeeee

_ than wooden aed ees who limited their performance to one a | only. |as'a man of worship who has him = eneraen for institutions, among which one of the _ ost generally esteemed and acknowledged is Punch and Judy’s ow. The Mayor or Oxrorp must henceforth fi in our street drama along with the Churchw: the Constable. Jack Ketch, and the adversaries w! €s previous to his final triumph over the enemy of

CROWNER’S QUEST QUERIES. Some of those who are honoured by being ~- contemporaries have been making some rather severe remarks upon the sort of questi in which divers Attorneys (begging the world s pardon for + using suc a — Fre and happiness should prevail) indulge t ves, an ,. before a Coroner’s Jury. contemporaries allege that — persons ask questions of a _ ridiculous. character, ink aD Oe a ie eee reputation keenness and perseverance, rather pe al cca r. oceans = “neve to | a reason for gance in. the non-professional mmd to su that the i mind. has not some subtle intent, and to doubt that tis plunging h eadlong into the well at the bottom of which Truth is known Owxey Suunter examined. Isa pointsman. Is twenty-nine years of age. Was born in Hertfordshire. 4 et » you wear a velveteen coat ? a's warm, Sir. | Mr. 8. ste Con Court — the insolence of this hireling. , omer dll, I don’t see the msolence. Would you have him say he wears it to keep himself cold? Mr. S. If you, Sir, take part with a recalcitrant witness, you shall hear of it in the om s Bench. Coroner. Mr. Squiceies Go on, Mr. 8. will not be dictated to, Sir, inthe conduct of my case Mr. Wriggles. to my friend, and if they ¢ did. 1 I don’t ~ Hold Witness, id that ur. i tone. i ou sail ‘ou were born i Herod ste om) —_ How do you know tiiat? ? me so, Sir. . Mother al Mr. 8. We don’t wan to know what your mother ry our ee eeeers tas Sunde. Witnere I really don’t know, Sir. told or. Tf she hy were you

We are for thie: bad: taste of the Oxford public;|. exhibited in their insensibility the attractions of thie) question. 5, tliat}! Witness. I’d be-sorry to be in liesy, Sir. Our |

109 Mr. S. I dare say not. It is of a piece with the rest of your rance. Now, your business is to attend to railway trains. your iene. invented railways ? Witness. Cant say, Sir. He were a cleverer man nor you and I. Mr. §. Speak for yourself, Sir, if you please. You are a pointsman. What is a point ? Mr. Faas. De: Do you expect this man to be able to give you a defi- nition owt Mr. ST site be calls bald ur tongue. Witness, mo ita wok Sir P ” Mr. S. Call it so, in your vulgar to: if you like. Witness, We Sir, a pint” ’s half a queck - Mr. S. T ask that this witness may instantly be committed. Coroner, He does not understand you; Mr. S. He will not, knowing how: ‘to yleamerhis masters Mr. Wriggles. That is a coarse imputation, which means that my sagen is ates because he failed toxcbtaim employment from pnd Coroner, The time of the jury, to sayrmothing of my o ht not to be wasted in pusenelities. Go ci tite hem Mr. 8. agp ome you. think: ‘Tint a railway train ought to travel an hour Sarees oo ion’ want Witness, Never Mowat of adh travelling, Sir. ge Mr.8. 1 don’t care what yow liave heard, I tell you. Answer the Hr. 8. kee sar exrore Saeeeee Sir. Volk: ane ‘such a pace ? Witness. Not without I were obli Rig Mr. 8. What_do you mean by ‘ i How dare you use such Tgnags in 2 Courk of Justice? (Buttery) I tee pa Ge Court of g He means “unless.” You have your answer, Mx. Squreeres. Mr. 8. {will stand here until Christmas, Sir, but I will have my answer from the witness’s own lips. However, I will recur to this point. heb _ you a family ? Witness. N Mr. 8. De iu wish o have family Witness. a 8 as it may be A family:is:sometimes a blessing, and sometimes I’ve heard it’s que ‘the reverse like, but we must take what’s sent us, the good with t This fenci _ amg is perfectly offensive. I ask you whether you wish for a f Witness. ell, I'll put it to yo whether-—— Mr. S. You’ll do ating otk § Sir. Answer the question. Witness. Twenty-two s Sir, ain’t mu Seeeees Mr. a. That is matter of sone. ae interesti our autobi would be in a two-hling way volume, a, suggest that. at ae of the inquiry we might adv Go on. You shall hear’of this in the antagely h, x “Witness, age you sleep well at night ? ttness. I am told so, Sir. Mr. S. I tell you once more, don’t tell me what you are told. Do you el well at nights ? Depends on what I’ve had for supper, pesos r : Mees equivocation, Now I don'task La Mr. Wiggles. I’m glad to hear that. cikepanckiagi te cnet fe drow “ ifthe dyin, and 1 no fag well at mus i) can. fix him with that ati | ea chal alee on the wrong side of your mouth. Mr. Wriggies. My mouth has no wrong side, but my friend may find that my on has a rough side. — Coroner. Gentlemen, tempus Go 1 Mr. S. Pointsman, what is your opinion Witness, Well, Sir, thy” ae pe, Tike 9, searce this year, likewise Mr. S. The hopeless imbeity of this witness speaks volumes for the Mi irigien My fend Yas 3 spok several volumes began, r. 3. My frien en vi since we but I ‘eliall og nothing about their wisdom. Coroner, Gentlemen, go on. Mr. S. I shall, at the present , ask this witness only one other "sagen dy but he is not to be — out of the way, as I shall want Wi we I yl touch spirits, 8 Mr. 8. O oul’t be a Now, Mr. cananch, sage hen the average of the sleepers or allowing metals for rolling-stock ? f sguorar rar hae rales sa i rum in your MA

Ais guich ds oeipsenameeh aan:

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[SerremBer 14, 1861.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Yacutine Man. “ Well, I always said you eere a plicky fellow, Splinter ; but really, | tor financial af ' now, I did not give you credit x Sriinrer (not displeased). “ How do you mean ?” ot Yacutine Man. “ Why, with your Spars to put out in such a Gale o' Wind as this.” | ANCIENT AND MODERN QUACKS. Tue Builder says that, among the relics of the ancient Romans who inhabited Uriconium, lately dug up at Wroxeter, is included “an advertising medium of one of their quack doctors.” | contemporary :— According to our constructive “There is a stamp bearing a Latin inscription to the follow- ing effect :—‘*The Dialibanum of Trserms Ciaupius, the phy- sician, for all complaints of the eyes, to be with egg.” | ‘The likeness between ancient and modern quackery, evidenced by the foregoing specimen of an antique | Roman puff, is striking. A name, which, stand- | ing alone, might be supposed to have been coined in the mint of a British patent-medicine-monger, is given to the specific advertised. It is alleged to be a remedy | for all complaints of the eyes, without exception. The | Bro rietor styles himself “the physician,” exactly, no | doubt, as our worthy friend Grirritas JoNES, now in | trouble on the charge of having forged a will, dubbed himself doctor, and as other impostors, unfortunately |at large, also pretend to a medical degree, which, it | they have any such thing, was bought at a disreputable | German University. Then the quack calls himself | Trserrus Ciauptus. He was of course as much a }member of the family of the Cuaupm as the fellow | whose vile puffs pollute so many of our contempo- raries, especially the country papers, is connected with | that which is the oldest in the Bnglich Peerage. As of old, so now, Quack is Quack and Rogue is Rogue | self-branded with the same indications of infamy < | the world over. A Gratis Suggestion. Mr. Puncn wonders why in these imitative days nobody has taken a hint from the queer title of one remarkable book, “ Why Paul Ferroll killed his Wife.” Could not a good Adelphi farce be founded on the inquiry “ Why Paul Bedford killed his Pig.”

A REFORMER WHERE LEAST EXPECTED. Micur we inquire what has become of the Financial Reform Association ? The only surviving member of it seems to be the Suttan, for he is apparently the only | person of the present day who is going in seriously rms. al | Patrence is a female virtue, nowhere so conspicuous |as at the dressing-table.

BOSH FROM THE BALTIC. Tr is said that the King of Sweden, Cuartes THE_FirtEENTH, has been induced by our Elected friend the Pamphleteer of Paris to enter into an alliance, offensive and defensive, with France. That the King’s late visit to the Pamphleteer had this object, and that in order to make things look serene, Kine Cuar.es ran over to London, and received the cold shoulder from our Court, which was up to the dodge. That RD PaLMERsTON, being somehow compelled to attend a dinner at the Swedish ambassador’s, at which Rex was present, was “icy,” and actually cut the King, who was very nearly pitching into the Constable. Now, it is permitted to the world to believe as much, or as little as it likes, of the details of this history, but Mr. Punch is happy to state that Eart Russett, in order to provide a counterpoi i alliance, and to secure an equivalent friend for an alliance offensive and defensive, with his Majest; Fum, the King of the Cannibal Islands, who has solemnly prom eat all the Swedish prisoners we may take in the war, provi a sound Swedish turnip with each individual, as the King is parti¢ular about his vegetables. Ha! ha! Sweden turn against us, Northmen! we ’ll have better evidence before we believe that, and in the meantime = bad ha! ha! once more, and pledge “a Brage-Beaker to the wedes,” ise against the England, has concluded Kine Ha P.4 by Oo ed we fend:

Anecdote Quite Fresh from Vienna. (Per the Trieste and Galway line, that is to be.) A Courtrer was decrying Mr. Rozsuck in the presence of the Emperor or Austria, when the latter indignantly rebuked him by saying, “ No—no—if you love me, love my dog.”

W | tidned, we at OMINOUS! “We have heard (we cannot say what truth is in the rumour) that a hunt was made last week in the palace of the Vatican, which ended in the finding of not one single rat! The hunt was followed high and low, from the cellars to the garrets, but not one creature of the species in quest could be discovered. It was, however, ascertained, by ques- tioning the neighbours, that large numbers of the animals had been recently observed hurrying out of holes at the bottom of the building ; and as most of the emigrants had brought their children with them, it was surmised that they had no intention of retyrn. : “There is a proverb about rats being said to leave a falling house ; but whether this saying be verified in the case which we have men- resent wait the opportunity to learn.”—Special Corre- spondent of “ L Canard,” French Pen,

All the Difference, by Gum! Scene—A most elegant shop in Piccadilly. A Vulgar Customer (evidently). No—no—no—these are not the kind of envelopes. I tell you I want some adhesive ones. Aristocratic Shopman (tenderly chiding him). You must excuse me, Sir. It is an article we do not keep—it is so very seldom called for. (In a@ tone of the gentlest correction.) Our customers, Sir, never use anything but wax! [Politely shows him to the door.

Prorer Precaution.—“The Federal Army is to be uniformed in blue.” So says the last mail. It is a step in the right direction, as blue does not run.

Page 115

_ Ssprempen 14, 1861.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 111 FROM OUR SENSITIVE CONTRIBUTOR. “ Boulogne-upon-the-Sea. EAR MR, Puncu, I can hardly hurt myself to write in reply to what I must call your heart- less letter, suggesting that there are pens and ink in France, and that literary composition may be trans- mitted by the post. Perhaps a severe course of novel- here may have ren- dered me more open than usual to the softer emotions but I assure you that if had not had my mouth full of shrimps (sauferelles, they call them here) when I opened our letter, it would have rought the tears into my eyes. I admit that the Bank- note was crisp and hand- some, but, to adopt the lan- guage of one of the authors” who are helping me to kill a fortnight or so, ‘little dothe hau hen they think to smother our ) DA, 4 Sule? Ciba ay f fy shower of Bank-paper.’ You } are at liberty to try the ex- periment, however, Mr. Punch, for sufferance is the | badge of all our tribe. | “Sir, there are pens and ink in France, and literary composition may be transmitted by the | post (and I wish that you would have your literary compositions properly weighed | posting them, as it is extremely objectionable to find ‘ insufficiently stamped ’ on one’s letters; and ‘ Postage, one franc,’ in one’s bills ; mind that), and so far the Court is quite with youyas the Judge said to the stammering r who began with, ‘My unfortunate client—— ’* “But I have come here for my health, and I am not in the least inclined to destroy-the good effect which the tough meat, ungenerous wines, and liquid odours of France are pro- | ducing on my frame. I shall xo¢ send ‘literary composition,’ and what in the world has made you so precious fine that you can’t call it ‘copy’? I know that London, jest now, is | given over to Snobs, and that Snobs love words as long as their ears; but I did not expect | you to grow genteel. Literary composition, indeed! Do you expect me toaeknowledge the tin as ‘ ary compensation’? I think you had better come over here: for ‘periodical ' relaxation,’ you stuck-up old Bloater ! . “Sir, you’ll have xo copy. And, Sir, if you want to know why, Iwill tell you. Because | [have no time to write any. And, as you may wish for details; here isa diluted page from my diary, scribbled while [ finish my last cigar, and, in a state of ultra-déshabi/ié, all but Paradisaical (there ’s a long word for you, Bloater) cool for my spring-mattrass :— “Up at eight. As I am growing a moustache, I save the time I used to waste in shaving. Look out at the window, and wonder when it will be high-water. Abuse those tinkling round the horses’ necks. What a fool that lover is in SHaxsrzaRE who says:he is ‘avized’ to give a woman ‘music 0’ mornings’! ee is. more irritating and out of lace, except music in the evenings. N.B. Very glad to ‘im Svour’s Life (don’t spell it PHOR, if you print this) that he abused BreTHoven’s: musie.. Ido the same: Get dow) seay to breakfast at nine, earlier or later, because there is a young lady: with a hamdsome fortune sta me at my hotel, and I try to encounter her as shevalso goessdown to breakfast. She is in No “From nine to ten, breakfast. Letters to be read, including heartless ones hinting at literary composition. By the way, I foolishly got a notion, one day, that my letters at Chambers were accumulating, and might be important; so wrote to a friend to look over them, and send me what I ought to see. He was away, and sent Ais friend, who didn’t like to open anything, and inclosed all, not paying the postage. I had nine francs to fork out, ‘ and this was the gain :— aia perforated card, for ‘only one shilling’ for a new church at Grimesbury- **3.( Circulars from rival candidates for the office of Director of the Fireside and Bi > Circumnavigating Life Assurance Office, in which I am assured. “6. List of new stations of the Commissionaires of London. “7. Burossrns’s ‘bill delivered’—hopes I will settle before I leave town. Sorry to have disobliged Biopsins. : “8. Invitation to take the chair at a lecture on Geology before the Tiddleywinks Literary and Scientific Institution. “9. piece of cloth, asa pattern for trousers, which the sender will make to measure for 178: 6d., cash. “10: List of'prices of stationery. (There are pens and ink in France.) _ tL va ay tao from—— never mind. I did promise to call. But I will send hera newspaper from . Atleast, it.depends on the amount of good taste that may be:shown hty aristocrats com lose d our sensations, “en wounded feelings in a snow- rw by my pretty friend in No. 37, else, the scolder has fine eyes, and will have £250 per annum. I am glad I have this note, though nine franes is money. 5 hp e : “12. Invitation to join a Rifle Corps. “13. Notice from the New River Company that they will cut my water off if I don’t send 8s. 6d. by a day long past. “There, Sir, that’s what I got by being a foolish fidget, and not pring Vo apy to take care: of themselves. You say this is a digression. Who | cares if it is? | _ “From ten to twelve, lounge about, and smoke cigars. What atrocities are the cigars of the | Débit! I wish they ’d try the Crédit for a change. By the way, Bloater, you might send I ieee soamted me over a lot. You must. y who would smuggle them, but mind you do the well, as the sea-air plays the deuce with Do ’em in sheet lead—get it at TwrnmNe’s. “From eleven to twelve, lounge about, finally reaching the sea. Then there’s a lot of time lost, waiting your turn, and losing it while you are flirting with an acquaintance. You seldom get back ams one, and then you want half an hour to wash the salt out of your hair, and become presentable. No. 37 don’t like the short hair of | the day, which is a pity, for drying one’s wig is a m up | “This, and a cigar, and a walk, — on to the afternoon, and then there is a good deal to e—perhaps a drive, or going to change novels, or to be in the way during shopping, and explain cleven times in an hour that ten centimes are a penny, and consequently that fifty are not pssst half-a-crown. Or the ladies want tolook inté the churches, which are cool and pleasant senough. Or, if the day is too warm for glishwomen to go shonpeny ‘ad warm indeed must be the day that stops that) one lounges up to Mr. Siener’s, or down to Mr. Cuzerypnop’s, to grab at the lish newspapers, as they are brought in fromthe boat—how precious stupid your papers are, by the way, just now. it were not for the fires and the accidents, and the’ murders, I don’t believe you could get a paper | made up, whieh shows what sort of people must be left im town, journalising. This brings us: on and hy rng aces a? is, all ge ani the way again, my 5 you | when you send the ci put: in a set of new studs forme; rather me, you understan but Dleaverthem to your taste? I think No. : has: am eye: for ipocliows and my studs are not very stu ' Don’t forget this. Well, dinner takes till eight, and then in another half hour or'se the ladies hawe. contrived: to put om their hats; ase ‘This is a narrow wooden strip, that nearly reaches.to the when the sea is very highamdeed, and there are 16,000 Englishin Bo all will come and shove and jostle: ome here every night, and the way the womem (you know what Englishwomen are to one another) rush at |the few seats there are, and look at those who look at ¢hem, is the only fun, for an unfortunate |male, except to laugh at a vocal wretch who howls French songs to a guitar, and sends round | the hat every five minutes. After this, one gets | back to the hotel, and a quiet weed, or a little whist, finishes off the day. “There. Now I hope you are ashamed of your baseness in asking for ‘literary composition.’ You may do what. you like with this letter, but you ’ll get nothing else, for ever so long, from * Your SENSITIVE ConTRIBUTOR.” Not so Wise as he Seems. M. Cuevatier has been rolyng, wares x to the Constable of Dover. e ra thought i well of the above French gentleman,. but now doubt his political soundness, Asin —— is CHEVALIER synonymous with PRETENDER

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A RUSE. | This is the Serene Party we (Charlotte and I) made out of a Sofa Pillow and Hearth-broom, &c., whose obstinate apathy so disgusted all the Organ-Grinders the first day of our trip to Spraymouth | (we taking a little drive out the while), that they shied Prospect Place for the rest of our month. } A Dog with Two Tales. Mx. Rozsuck has shown himself very properly proud of Mr. Punch’s notice of him in a | the Queen ? Cartoon, but asked in a Sheffield speech, “how the Empzror or Avsraia could be said to | have run away with Tearem, when he, Tearem, was there, before his friends.” “We have heard more brillian t epigrams, in the way of retort, but it is no disgrace to a bigger man_ than Joun Anrtuur to be utterly crushed and quelled by an avalanche from the hand of Punch, | Perhaps it.was a big stone to throw at a little dog, but he was making such a blessed noise | that we took the first that came to hand. He’ll be quiet enough, now. “Tue Baum or Conumsia.”—Has no one the generosity to send over to America al bottle of this celebrated mixture ? for we are sure that Columbia, after her recent reverses, must need a Balm of some sort to heal her wounded feelings. R THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Sepremper 14, 1861. POET CLOSE RAGETH AGAIN. AND so So thought, my noble Swells, You ’d done with Port Cross ; But he’s not done, my haughty ones, So brown as you suppose. The Poet’s fire, as you shall see, Needs but a little stir, And up it burns, in glorious scorn Of your extinguisher. If mean Lorp Paw has used me ill, My fingers I will snap At all the rancid rancorousness Of that effete old chap. Unless he cuts my fingers off They still can wield the pen, And make my name admired and loved By all deserving men. What care I for his jaunty laugh, on I —— Bo ante, one as good again by half, My nalte lane CARLISLE. He is a Poet like myself, That’s more than Pam can say, And very pleasing verse has wrote Tn his fastidious way. {’d rather have such men as him To praise my honest rhymes, Than talking statesmen (?) like old Pam, (Though Tanded in the Times). Then there’s the noble LonspALE too, Who is a real Earl, And tells the world that he has found In Port CLosE a pearl. They sign their testimonials free, And praise my native worth, And say I am a glory to The country of my birth. And if they have not read my works, "Twas nobler to have signed ; A nobleman ought not to have A mean suspicious mind. I’ve had my paltry hundred pounds, (To stop the same was heel And where the flag of England flies 1 ’m known as England’s Bard. Nailed like a carrion crow, ’tis said, _I stick, but fools may rail, No matter, for I’ve had my tin Paid down upon that nail. Joun C1osE. An Awkward Selection. A New journal is announced under the title | of The Queen. The godfathers were bunglers, | and the name is against the success of the | publication. A little harmless cheating ‘the | Government (especially in the matter of reeti- fying Income-‘Tax) may be overlooked, but who, save a disloyal wretch, would think of taking in [ADVERTISEMENT. ] Removing from Over the Way- MESSRS. DERBY, DIZZIE & Co. respectfully pA announce to their friends and the public, that they are in negotiation for the Reform business so long con- ducted by the late Joun Russet, & Co., and that early in the season they hope to be able to offer a variety of novelties hitherto unattainable except upon unreasonable terms. Further particulars will be announced. Several good Touts wanted. William Bradbury, Place, and Frecerick Mullett 5 Road West, Regent’s ‘Park, both in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, bias Mie be veg tet epee Mike Precinct of Whitefviars in the City of ge. Me Penshed by as at No. 8, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, im the City of Londoa.— Sarpapay, September 14, 186). /

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Serremper 21, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 113

MRS. ROCHEFOUCAULD’S MAXIMS. ‘Women’s feelings are more intense than those of men- We are happy or miserable: at a ball or at home. A woman hates a question, but loves to ask one. ‘The female mind is too poetical to be tamely methodical. | Who would marry a woman who punctuated her love- letters ? Cupid is blind to everything—save pin-money. In society compliments are loans, which the lenders | expect to be repaid with heavy interest. Praise a woman’s taste, and you may attack her sense | with impunity. Your candid friend has never anything pleasant to say to ee He reminds you of his pet virtue, by wounding you | with it. } If you want to know a woman’s true character, linger | after the guests have gone, and listen to what she has to | say about them. | A woman wins an old man by listening to him; and a | young man by talking to him. Enjoy to-day, for to-morrow the first grey hair may come. Hymen is only Cupid in curl papers. Women confess little faults, that their candour may cover great ones. There are no reasons which explain love; but a thousand which explain marriage. __Age is venerable in man—and would be in woman— if she ever became old. When a woman vows that she never flirts— she is flirting.

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Maternal Advice. A Daveuter is almost always right when she endeavours to imitate her mother; but we do not think the mother is equally right, when, at a certain period of life, she tries all “CORRECT ‘CARD’ OF THE REGATTA, SIR?” she can to imitate her daughter.

Tuscan. ‘Non c’e fritta, S’gnor,’ said the waiter in hurried intervals, as | OUR ROVING CORRESPONDENT. he rushed about, ‘ guest un caffe—si trova frittata—neila trattoria, “My pean Ponce S’gnor” ‘Ohdam!’ remarked Mz. DewBeERRry, ‘Ice—glace you know. a . : * Yessare, verriwell, cosa desidera, S'gnor? Gelati di Citrone, vanilla, During the great autumnal exodus from town, while port- | marrenna, groseille, fragole, lamponi, arancia, limone, crema?” said the manteaus are being packed, passports viséd, and beards nk your | waiter in one breath, and then rushed off without waiting for an Rovin Comment ” is reminded of an expedition in which he was | answer. engaged, and which some weeks ago he began to describe in these} «* Always the way here, Sir,’ said a stout gentleman, sitting near, pages. It was, if you remember, while on the shores of the Mediter-|* confound the fellows! Been’ here three tights running, and haven’t ranean, that my narrative was interrupted by the stern duties of a/ heen able to get an ice yet, nor see the Galignani once. Actually three London season. Be pleased therefore to suppose me returned to nights running,’ continued the stout man, looking round for sympathy. Porto-Franco, and in the company of Mx. Richarp Dewzerry, late| ‘Violent exercise, eh? three nights’ running—too much for his of Trin. Coll. Cam., my comrade. of voyage, as our. cicerone (who| weight > whispered Dick to me thinks he is up in all the English idioms) insists on calling him. ““<T’beg your pardon. Did you speak, Sir?’ asked our fat friend. “ As the weather was still beg | warm, and walking before sunset} * J say i agree with you, it’s shameful, Sir,’ said Dick, with great almost impossible, Dick, whose devotion to the fair sex interfered | gravity. sadly with that proper attention and enthusiasm with which the monu-|” «By the time we had finished our ices, which we obtained after ments of ~~ should be studied, Masrer Dicx I my Meng waiting about three quarters of an hour, the music had ceased, and we xe omg at the close of the day to drag me forcibly into the Piazza, rose, having made a resolution (for the ninth time since landing) to er pretence of looking at the Fontana Vecchia by moonlight; but keep good hours, and retired to our respective beds. fr un in reality to show me how many of our countrywomen he knew, as they paced up and down in company with their heavy Papas or solemn whiskered brothers, enjoying the strains of military music by the light rilliant lamps. * oa * 7 * * * ” ° \ “* Flirting about the Piazza with R y girls is all very well,’ said of a thousand b I, one morning to Mr. DewBERRY, ‘ but as Paterfamilias will naturally **Do you see that tall girl in blue?’ said Mr. Dewserry one | expect you to have done something while you are away, I advise you to evening, ‘ that is Miss Wympote Streetz, Lapy Louncer’s daughter | make notes of what you see, or keep a journal,’ by her first husband. She was eng: to young Lorp RarkesMERE| “‘ A journal! Oh, bosh!’ politely answers Master Dick, (who has until he made such an ass of himself at O where his regiment | a great horror of occupying his time to no profit) ‘what on earth is the was quartered. The match is broken off now, and serve him right too; | good of a journal ? Every muff keeps a journal. I wish you could it is much too good for him. The old fellow hobbling just behind him | have read ScrisBLEToN’s. He went up the Rhine in “the long” last is the Mune or Drycorn : he comes abroad for his gout. That’s| year. Forty-five reams, Sir, of closely-written foolscap, with the history his wife in the hat and feathers, Lapy Drycorn, d’ye see? and the| of every insignificant little village he entered, population, so and so, penny So she’s talking to is Lordship’s Secretary, and they do | statistics, staple commodities, situation, height above the level of the say that—Why, hillo! there’s Grivpuey, of Corpus, what the doose | sea, latitude and longitude, average of mortality among the inhabitants, is he doing here, I should like to know? and who is that with him ? | the deuce knows what, to say nailing of a description of every dinner By Jove, a nice looking girl though, really. Why, or *re going in for | he eat, and a register of the civility of the landlord at each mn. He ices over there. I say, Jack, let’s have an ice. ere, bi! waiter, | offered it to thirteen publishers in succession, and was much Borreca, what’s your name, what’s the Italian for ice, Jack ?| to find it declined. No,’ added Dick, ‘I shan’t ae a journal. I Qualche cosa fredda, don’t you know,’ shouted Mr. Dick, in his best | mean to go in for the Italian grammar, and work like a brick.’ |

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114 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [SzpremBer 21, 1861. “ And sure enough I found him one evening closeted with Sienor Prise, the well-known Professor of the English tongue at Porto Franco. What progress master and pupil made was always a profound mystery to me. P heard a great deal A war the difficulty of the irregular verbs, and of the vast importance of the distinction between the ‘ stile Signorile’ and the ‘ stile Amichevole,’ but happening to | knock at Dick’s door one morning before he was up, when the room smelt very strongly of oe noticmg an empty bottle labelled * Vieux Cogmac’ on the table, I naturally inferred that the irregularity was not confined to the verbs, and that in consequence of their devotion to the ‘ stile Amichevole, their studies on the previous night had not been very profound. Indeed Dick has since admitted to me that he found the Professor a ve' jel dog, and that he had assisted him in framing the plot of ‘ La fo ia del Sorciotore, a drama lately produced with thrilling effect at the Teatro Ducale, in Porto Franco, and founded, it must be confessed, upon an old English ballad once popular in Covent Garden. “On the same floor which we inhabited, Monsteur and Mapame | RépEur had hired apartments, and were ing, Sor agen with their son, an ingenuous youth fresh from the Quartier Latin, and their amiable | and accomplished daughter, of whose skill in performing on the piano | (she had planted it on acoustic principles against the door which joined our rooms) I was constantly reminded. | “They had sent us an enamelled and elaborately flourished card | bearing their name, and Dick, who never loses an opportunity of | exhibiting his proficiency in the French age, insisted that we should return their call, which we did, and thus made their acquaint- . M. Répevr is proprietor of the well-known establishments, Le Cygne noir at Cherbourg, and J’ Aigle Blane at Havre, and in that capacity is admirably fitted to resist the impositions in which he regrets to find his brother hotel-keepers too often indulge. ‘Vous con- cevez, M’sieur,’ he would say on occasion when he had to wait for his dinner, or his boots were neglected,‘ if thees ad coom to appen at de Cygne noir, my chef should 1 H in a parenthesis that having some experience of the ‘Service’ at the | last-mentioned hostelry, my inference is that the post of chef must change hands every day). tising on the piano, sight-seeing, picture-hunting, scolding, planning, bargaining, botanising, aud bothering each other, until they returned to astonish their country neighbours with the details of their foreign tour. Heigho! much good may it do them! Au revoir, mes amis. Receive, Madame, the assurance of my high consideration, and believe me, dear Punch, “ Yours faithfully, “Jack EasEt.” “BLONDIN OVER THE FOUNTAINS,” — Advertisement. Buionpgy over the Fountains, Bionpmx over the Cord; BLONDEN draws all kinds of Snobs, Lounger, and lout, and Lord; And Buonpry’s fame should make us proud, lt should on Puach’s word. chassé dirrrrrect.’ (Here I may remark} ° “M. Roépevr fils finds ample occupation for his time during the . vacation, by consuming tobacco in a chaste pipe of his own design, and | teaching his good-natured sister to accom him on the piano in the cdutia ballad of the ‘ Chdteau de Framboisy,’ ‘ Messrs. les Etudiants,’ | and other national and interesting songs. for Madame—I don’t | envy the man who is shut up in the coupé of a diligence with her— | as was once my fate. The brilliancy of that lady’s conversation is | hardly equalled by its length, and the manner in which she discusses her lunch is scarcely calculated to increase an appetite for your own. | Surely there never were such indefatigable sight-seers. They are always up at sunrise—as I never failed to hear—when poor JEANETTE is finely rated if the breakfast is not ready. ‘Oh Dieu /’ the unhappy bonne cried to me in confidence one day, ‘ga m’embéte affreusement |’ They never forgive themselves or pay their cicerone if a single church is left unvisited, or one picture unseen. The hackney coachmen at Porto Franco know them well, and must be very hard up for a fare, | before they consent to i by their party. ‘ Dopo domane, the impudent dogs say with a handed shake of three fingers, when Mapame Répreur i to bargain—or ‘ Bel’ forestiere, per Bacco !’ | as Monsieur Juxzs offers them half their fare. _ Répgur aind began life as an artist, and sketches extensively in a vigorous and dotty style peculiar to himself: ‘ Un ¢fet—coucher de soleil —WMarseilles, ‘ Deux gaminsen combat dans la rue— ” ‘Un morceau | du Colysée—Rom,’ ‘ Téte d’undnea Capri,’ ‘Souvenir Pun Tintoret a V énise, | *Fielle de Bologne,’ &c., &c., &c., are among the subjects treated by his ful pencil. The time, the place, the object to be drawn, makes not the slightest difference to the enthusiastic amateur. He was once ut under arrest for persisting to sketch the Pore during Mass at the | Sistine Chapel, and nearly got his head broken for running about— pencil in hand—after a pretty looking Contadina whose costume he | thought would be a valuable addition to his album. “ They always dined at 2 P.m., and my only wonder is that after such | a tremendous repast they were enabled to renew their exertions until the next morning. The amount of solid food whieh they consumed | daily would surprise those who still retain the notion once rife in our | E nurseries, viz: that frogs form the staple article of consump- | tion at French dinner-tables. I happened to look in once at their feasting-hour and found the room a chaos of innumerable dishes, having the appearance of several courses combined in one for the sake of brevity. Old RépguR overwhelmed me with apologies for the con- fusion, and took care to let me know in the course of conversation that | their ménage at Havre was of a totally different character, inasmuch as there they dined off Sevres and the most costly plate with fifteen glasses a-head for the different kinds of wine. * Poor M’am’selle—Poor Natuatre! I fear she led a hard life— bothered by her indefatigable Papa, scolded daily by Madame, and nearly plagued to death by RépzEuz fis. “ They were always active from morning till night: sketching, prac- A PRIZE HOGG. A Heartiess swindler, named F confiding landladies and the like) in the clutches of old Farier ANTIC, seems to have reached the acmée—and Septinius—of heartlessness by one representation which he is stated to have made. He actually deluded a victim by alleging that he, Hoce, was the Musical Critic of the Record newspaper. The Record! The journal that never in its existence could tolerate harmony—that lives by the promotion of dis- cord among men—that would hiss the Music of the Spheres unless conducted by Lonp Suarrespury. Hoae is worthy of the name he is about to exchange fora number. We never heard of a more brutal ouage. _ Trrus, who set up a hog’s image to insult the Jews did a ghter crime. eas are Hoge, now (luckily for ec Astronomical Insects. Ar one of the late Meetings of the British Association, a philosopher read a paper “On Geometrical Nets in Space.” Another delivered a | lecture on the habits of Spiders, of which imsects.a well-known variety is accustomed to make geometric nets in any convenient space between twigs or in pali ngs Are the geometrical nets which exist in absolute space constructed by any spiders which exist there, and are those spiders as big as the Scorpion in the Zodiac ? INVITA MINERVA. So Greece is No Go. An indisputable statement of its finances and no-progress is before Europe, and it is shown that the Hellenic specu- lation does not answer. hat’s to be done with Greece? We fear that the next European problem will be, “How to take Greece out of maps,” and that the receipt will be suggested by that Family Friend, the Pamphleteer of the Tuileries,

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Seprember 21, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL IMPERIAL BULL-FIGHTING. ‘IMPERIAL BuLi-Fientinc.—The Emperor, letters from Biarritz state. was present at a bull-fight on Sunday last, but the Empress did not leave the villa, as the day was the anniversary of her sister’s death.. The Emperor was accompanied by Mme. pe La Bepoyére and another lady of the Court, MarsHaL Niet, Count ALEWSKI, and Genera Ney. The bulls were fine animals, and gave the favour- ite matador, Et Zaro, many opportunities of displaying his ss, which was several times applauded by the Emperor.”—Globe. Wuen Pam our Constable en chef declares Joun- Buus an animal of peaceful habits, Warring, by his own will, on pheasants, hares, _ Partridges, grouse, and, f these, on rabbits— But that though loath to quarrel for a trifle, ~_a to hold out fellowship’s right hand, He still keeps ix. his left a loaded rifle, For those, who speaking peace, hide the bare brand), CHEVALIER declares such fears a sham Meant to keep up national feuds and grudges ; But Punch is proud to say “ ditto to Pam ”— Whio wear the :hoe are of its:pinch best judges. We like Cuevatier, yclept Micuer— Gall him “ Chevalier & Roonomie . T’other Chevalier we don’t like so well— France’s own crowned Chevalier @’ Industrie. Of him -we own to have our slight suspicions, But sure he should be the last man to flout them, With such a taste for Bull-fight exhibitions— That he:can’t live at Biarntz without them: At least we learn from this exciting sport (Which, unlike him, we only know from reading), That Bulls, if fools enough to tay up short — Before a cloak, death-wounded, soon lie bleeding. The cloak which cool Ex Zaro* is outspreading, Conceals a sword : ’mid cheers of the beholders, Bull blunders at the cloak, the sword unheeding, And—flash ! the blade’s hilt-deep between his shoulders. Joun Buus may be excused, if from his brothers At Biarritz htered, for Imperial pastime, He lays to heart this lesson, among others—_ The first time Bulls so blunder’is the /ast time. El Imperador waves in show The cloak that hides the sword—but But grown chary Of trusting cloaks, however fair they show. Keeps ‘for the sword sharp horns, and eye-sight wary. * The favourite matador at the Biarritz bull-fights this year: PITY FOR POOR SMOKERS. Tue attention of Mr. Punch has been called to a recent police-case in which a poor carpenter, summoned before Mr. Dayman, at Wands- worth, was fined 10s. and costs for persisting in smoking in a railway carriage. The man could not pay the money; had to embrace the alternative of fourteen days’ imprisonment; and actually underwent a seclusion of thirty hours, when he was released, fine having been paid for him by a benevolent merchant-prince and smoker. Now, if this man persisted in when he was told to leave off, the Magistrate could have had nothing to do but to fine him ; particu- larly if, at the time of the offence, he was sober. But whereas a 40s. fine is no matter to a smo fourteen days’ imprisonment is what a working man might well describe as hard lines: Smoking on railways is a common practice—we grant the. ghost of James THE First a common nuisance. It may vex the le of the British Sotomon ; and it may aunoy some whose noses may not agree with the nose of Dr. Morgan, in ick Random, in the im- pression that tobacco is a fragrant and odoriferous herb. Therefore Railway Companies’ are hereby pathetically implored to establish smoking carriages in every train, and for every class, parti- cularly the third; which is occupied by the poorer and less comfortable orders, rendered much more uncomfortable-than they need be by rail- way economy, and having more occasion than’ any other members of society to steep their senses in the forgetfulness which is:induced by Rupe Crrricism on a Critic.— Le vrai bonheur sur la Terre, c'est @’étre- sur Mer.’ So quotes our friend, Jutes-Janix. Aboard the Folkestone boat, and in the intervals of bawling for a basin, our other friend; BuMPKIN QuaLMy, was heard to grow! that the Frenchman’s ove of epigram led him to write the most inf—amous nonsense. HERE ’S YOUR FINE TURNIPS! A Prrirvt story is related by the South Eastern Gazette, under the heading of “Severe Sentence.” It sets forth that on Monday last week a “poor shabbily dressed widow,” one Jutia Garraway, with whom was her child about six'years of age, was charged, before the Rochester County Bench, represented by the Rev. J. J. Marsuam and Mr. Day, with me. re ag four s turnips from the field of Mr. R. TassELL, Farm. The woman. acknowledged that she had taken the turnips to eat. Two of them she threw away because b with t in imprisoned one night, Mrs. GarRaway was placed at the bar they were full of insects. The other two she kept, and was to devour them when one of the farm-men took her up. Havi her child, been 1 in the station-house, and i whole day and one whole of Justices’ justice ; “The two turnips found on her were prod isoner pleaded hard to be forgiven, as she took just come from London. The Magistrates, ho , ordered her to pay a penalty, including costs, of 7s. 2d., and, in default, committed: for seven days’ labour. As the prisoner had no money, the Magistrates desired her to pay the fine and costs owher return from hop-picking, which she-vehemently athe! a0 6 to do.” The poor Magistrates, called upon in the:discharge of their duty to adjudicate on cases such as the above-quoted one, are very much to be pitied. Of course they have no power to dismiss the charge as trumpery, on the ground of the maxim, “ De minimis non curat lex,” tronaleied | for the benefit of the country gentleman; prosecutor in the case, “The law takes no account of diminutive turnips.” In the present instance they manifestly could have had no choice but to fine the prisoner unless to commit her instead; which perhaps they might as well have done, committing her child along with her as an accomplice. For, in prison, mother and child would both have been well fed; necessarily if their sentence included bour: which cannot be performed on ae diet. That, no doubt, was the reason why, from a humane motive, they did add hard labour to the conditional imprisonment which they aw her in default of payment. The only wonder is, that the famishi creature did not embrace the alternative. Perhaps her pride obj to accept the situation of a common thief. We now turn to another and more pleasing view of the case, the uced, and were very small. The them to satisfy her hunger, having aspect which it presents in an agricultural point of view. How valuable must be the 7 aowe by Mr. R. Tassetx to have made it worth e that gentleman’s w: rosecute a labouring woman for two or three of them to eat ! is, just now, is the newspaper season for | enormous turnips, among which those of Mx. TassELL above mentioned might be classed, but for the fact that they were, on the contrary, very small. But that circumstance only heightens the idea of their value suggested by the prosecution of a “ ye shabbily widow” for stealing them. ey must be worth at least as much as West Indian pine-apples, which sell in the streets of London at “ a shilling a-piece and a penny a-slice.” Their price, so little dependent on their size, must be due to their flavour, which is no doubt delicious. Among the produce exhibited next Christmas at the Fat Cattle Show a prominent place will surely be occupied by Mr. TassEtt’s remarkable turnips. ARMS AND THE MAN. Du Cuartxv tells how the Gorilla With a rifle he shot in the chest, Where a rifle-ball’s certain to kill a Man or monkey, as must be confest. But Gray, that unwearied attacker Of Du Cuariiv, Goria, and Co., Says the man-monkey’s wounds in the back are, And the weapon employed—the long-bow. Rather Down in the Mouth. We see that a cheap advertising Dentist offers to “stop teeth at a shilling a-piece.” The force of cheapness can scarcely go much lower. There is a class of purchasers so ravenous after cheapness that it is only necessary to offer a thing cheaply for them instantly to avail themselves of it. Let one of those peripatetic London Bridge merchants, whose shop consists of a tray slung round his neck, offer them a sovereign for a penny, and they eagerly snatch at it. The above remedy, how- ever, is so unusually cheap and Meegeeeeately nasty, that we should say that it must almost be “too filling” at the price. NON-INTERVENTION. TueEre is a talk of the Salt Lake joining the Confederates. We think the Mormon Capital is wrong. Let it secede, if it will; but it is not fair to join either party. It should be true to its own name, and consistently prove that it only wishes to remain, equally on both sides, an Utah (a neuter).

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[Sepremper 21, 1861. PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “MOTJOBVISTVS qsoysiy oy} youn” ‘py spsoye ‘uolyeonpe Atay} JO | uO JO SSOT 9} 9SvVO YOryAr Ul ‘uly auos WO 1osuy pouresds } -snfut Sty} yey} esoddng “SITRYV STY 04 PUI}}e OF atyuu0I77IN DY SJUsMIyIUdop SNOLIVA oY} WI opvul savy syidnd s4r ss id ay} pur | @ 5uiyjo3 young ‘apy jo Ayiqissod Juyae pue oxeq oy} St Ade, | Jo yxed 44 WO AyTIqQustp s.yyuoU v Aq ‘sso, 943 Amn & SUTMOYS ‘S.NUIVEUIV,] AOL —,,"10OHOG UALSHHONV,, MAN AH, + | SIG} 04 UoNoolqo AyuO oy, ‘ep o[FuIs B J0y puryuvUT jo 10q0Ry | Aq Auvduioo v und Jey AvuL “Zany SuTy403 “pue “yoyor} SsepO paryy | -aulaq Yons oUlOS JO ‘ustoIshyd [nyTTys v dn Surdevy 107 pred oq 0} |@ Surye} ‘ONTUVG ¥ 10 GTIHOSHLOY Y ‘sesviiiwo oyy OFUt — “a | YSN UVYy sold veal B 4B IOJ pouoye 9q FY STU co a a AYITBIM | SUIZIOS B1OJaG ONIVA UAC) II9Yy JO JUSMID}Ze4s B OYeUL OF PUNOG ‘aTpeog, yUeg oj} 10J avzog | uazop jo o[dnoo v jo UOIpToWOp oy pue “Mey ATqusdfo} oq | JOU ore SIasuassud yey} “Urejdutod soruvduiog ABATIVY AH, nod BUOSpuvy 8 DABOT puw “Wqaqy JeUOTyeNY 943 Avd pmo) pmom styy, “AJoIOOg 07 ONTVA SJULUITETO B JO oVUIT}Sa Ue UI ; yor war e qv Aint @ Aq possosse oq plnom sureasido s.Aep | possosse oq TTeys saSvurep an 900) quawyowus ue {q 4UI 9q 901} TATAVL AVMTIVA V ‘+ «© « » » ONITUVG FHL AM YNVIG MOWAVN AHL NO GONVNUVAUTT ONINUOP ANVuy j FNOGLNO NIGNOTG WIVNIY AL, ‘HLVESGNVS LV 3N3Z0S hes i ae 7 oo i a

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\ ie — J ——- ‘M. oy Tfoweg g 4 og De “4 $i Op “f/f ay Nicks Z “ig ay PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Szpremper 21, 1861. THE LAST ACT OF THE ITALIAN DRAMA. “SHALL WE ‘RING UP’ FOR THE LAST ACT? THE AUDIENCE ARE GETTING VERY IMPATIENT.” “NOT JUST YET—THEY MUST WAIT TILL I’M READY.” Victor. Lovls. BO eee ee ome emtnane fnrawanna tata in| ann mm cenr aM acen noma tr ‘oun amos uo JoSuT pouTuids | -snfur stu1 1601 OsOddud ‘sites SIy 0} Puss}e 0} asspueonsIM OUR

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‘SaPre¥" en 21, 1861.) —, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 119

“OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. EAR FELLow-MartTYR CH, “ce Ev that don is completely emptied of ants. Excepting you and me, and some two ions more of miserable bei who have either our holida: the present see no chance « ally at this nobody im town. Havingmadea dozen fruitless calls the > other day, in the hope of findi goad ; one as Ww oy nel with ea or. of sighs, - sauntered sadly to club to seek the of some beer ; when judge of my gg rear a at posing ok on at oe Hecshold come clean doorsteps in town’) the fresh impress of the sole of a fashionable boot, I declare, not Robinson a aeees more surprised than I did, nor felt more pleased to meet ‘an Friday than was I to see young AVISWELL, whom when poe is inhabited I usually — “Bay Jove, old chap,’ said he, ‘Ah’m jolly ne? gel re here. Ah’m ke cutting up from Cowes to have a wattle at the birds, but Norfolk you know is somewhere on the Eastern Counties Wail ae, one can’t get down there in a day.’ dine together, and go 43 ~ evening, Fl where het somewhere to be, I I knew no more than the big bell of St. ? and my = wm <a 0 Pte ot but a = a thought them his voting fe a ees to Cremorne. | Pe was of Mr. Fatconer’s — I St see a female rope-walker put her life in oe -n . exe, Pata by way of Ecompromize § the Covent Eo find the music trie Conese ws, Fragen dy and walk about as eould do at Cremorne. argument succeeding, we and went, HeaviswELL otitis first to mee on a white he felt convinced that there was ‘ nobody in Sper al fear lest he might stumble w om oun. aw—you know, one feels so awkward when one isn't < women “ As it chanced to be char wan dinmed by , the house was very full, and the lustre of the choker y a back seat. Nor was the quite to the _ of Pd young friend, a h to ears each piece in first part was an exquisite delight. 8 oe and j cae have been long ago well proved, which he ~ eaes a et pared of music they who sepa will not y forget. It is true meee ‘of Mo Monsrevr J mene bn nor boasteth he wattamte i — he lacks in presence he : and the think the work of a oad rather be to , Cocaye the ear than please the in full praise to Mr. Mexion, and in Gade night man in the right place. Any pda pu to entertain dull London must be looked | p blic benefactor; and I am sure that Mr. is deserving of unusual Sep- ‘en Te me through bal half the second part on Heaviswk.1’s account, sage te dance aeaeio to set my toes ——s until they = to ee h re to an Elysium hard by, where we revelled in a ‘devil’ and a pot of pleasant , while some which were most harmoniously y sung, Fes = 9 the less Master of fies wr aiiebegumintie “hs boys with of ear, oe with a pach. a8 ie lng since have made his h but opened doors to as coats. Whether any any who have gone to other Music Rooms in town, oaiere the casino element is suffered to introde, have thought that its exclusion is a course to be

y or Cam of getting one, there is writing could effect an | trials commended, and have resolved therefore in future to stick to ‘Padd Green,’ this is a moot pet which debating clubs may argue, but whic if men of sense are deemed more plentiful Jentiful than fools, no other assump- tion is needed to decide. “ Owe wHo Pays.”

KITEFLYING AT SBA, in the world who are 1 sews at flying t the they fly not seldom bring them ites to et the following la ao. are en ject of getting persons out of it :— and ultimately the crew of the din ae If lies stranded os low coast, = through the water a man, a or other erence to a ship placed in’ the latter position, factory character. As a final test, Lrzut. Nares jumped overboard from or There is nothing at all funny or facetious in this narrative, and the question may be asked, How came it, then, in in Punch ? But as Punch has Christian ers, a plan for saving life must have somewhat of interest for them ; and they may rely upon its being worth their know- ledge, or it would not have Lig a prize, in acknowledgment of its pent, from the Shipwrecked Fishermen’s Benevolent , which Punch is pleened to learn has really the case. There are some fools in the world who think that Punch’ $ mission only is to joke, and that he ought to keep his pen from matters that are serious. Well, to say good kines is but to do them is far better; and the man who by his wits has perfected a project for ents nee few lives i is much more to be envied than the man whose wits ha him to make a ion jokes. Punch is ever pleased to = ie to good things, and as Lizut. Nargs’s plan for saving shipwresked. life is one of t best things that Pusch for months has heard of, he feels of course , ma pleasure in hel, png its publicity, and, as the equinoctial gales are wing nigh at hand, in assisting by so ining to mas their ill effects.

= DELICACY AND GENEROSITY CHARMINGLY COMBENED. tn iflowing. which we copy out of a Dublin paper, is far too good lost :— HE Gentleman who took a Pocket-Book from the of an indi- 7 tone 9 at Pea. the Ten on WEDNESDAY EVENING last, is ee to return Post, the Papers and Documents which it contained, with the. exception oF tnt cae which he may retain, as a reward for the de: exhibited on the occasion.; The Individual feels grateful to the Gentleman for a his Watch and Chain. Address “ , Kinsley’s Hotel, Church : — hig » ages sg sss ask the “ Sentionan” fo Oy dine (i in order that they ave the opportunity o: e ttle matter over a cool bottle of changaane. ht A tan thst thieves i beg pardon, gentlemen) would be a better-bred set of os if were always treated with civility re ee re above. nothi .) in the same eed me. | like ap g to a person’s gent took to thieves (we meant to say, that they take to us, we are sure that we should meet on a mu friendlier footing, and be able to exchange eivilities that would be a aly agreeable on both sides. y think what a deal of stolen rty would be returned! You weld a to the thief’s sense tf | onour so strongly, that he would ulti ly give up thieving as a losing concern.

Prudent Precaution, However. Tse Pamphleteer is stated to be advising the Finns to agitate for a re-annexation of Finland to Sweden. What can Sweden want fins for ? Surely not to help her to swim away from the fl batteries of Toulon, or any other pa friendly; visitors from France. The Moniteur is requested to be prompt with a disavowal.

American Drinx iy Request.— Wanted a Sherry Cobler, to mend the Union.

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120 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Serremser 71, 1861. CS __ ET A A Lg PRECEDENCE OF MAYORS. We read in the Hampshire Independent that there have been proceedings in the Law Courts for the purpose of affirming the Precedence of Country Mayors over certain other existences. The only Man of Rank in Town, “and he don’t see why he shouldn't jine the Missus at Margate, for any business there’s a doin’.” It may be news to most of Her Mavszgsty’s subjects that her Courts goons themselves with such matters, and that the ald law doctrine de minimis has been so flagrantly disregarded. But to prevent such a loss of time and dignity for the future, it will suffice for Mr. Punch to pub- lish the Table of Precedence as now settled :— Horses, Mayors, Asses, The Biped Creation. A Dangerous Practice. THE young gentleman who took an overdose of conceit has experienced no ill effects from it. On the contrary, he says he never felt better in all his life. It is very strange, for decidedly the dose was — enough for any six pet parsons. Still, we should not advise this young gentleman to repeat the dose too often, or else his friends will be distressed some day by having to resort to some very cruel experiments for the purpose of taking the conceit out of him. The cure, let us tell him, is often a trying and very avenge omy one. We know of one poor young man who had to be sent on the Stock Exchange before he was completely cured. Fit Oratory TO BE ADDRESSED 10 PoLI- TIcAL Humsues.— Pam-boozle. NO REFORM OF THE INCOME-TAX! “Mr. Puncu, ; “UnrortunaTELy the Report of the Select Committee on the Income-Tax has not quite settled the absurd question which has been raised by fools concerning the unnecessary justment of the most just of taxes. At one of the late gatherings of the British Asso- ciation, the practicability and requisiteness of that impossible and undesirable process were asserted b: pay pects who ought to have known better. Your readers will be disgusted to find Dr. Farr endorsing the preposterous demand of the commercial and professional classes for differential taxation. The subjoined tissue of ee proposals advanced by Mr. D. Cxapwickx, will probably provoke their mirth as well as their contempt. Mr. Orapwicx, according to the report of the gs, agreed with Dr. Farr in the insane per- suasion ‘that the system of - incomes was the proper one on which the tax should be levied.’ He eee the idiotic opinion that “the inequalities in the administration of the law were the occasion of all the annoyances, injustice, and misery complained of,’ and he had also the incredible folly to say that ‘those who paid the tax should have the appointment of assessors.’ And then :— “* He proposed,—first, to make the tax at one uniform rate on the capitalised value of all incomes ; secondly, to classify the various sources of incomes according to their general average market value ; thirdly, to assess the tax by a rate on such capitalised value, instead of the present mode of assessing it on the annual income; fourthly, to apply, as far as practicable, the principle of the Government legacy duty tables to all fixed incomes ; fifthly, that the tax should be applied to all incomes above £50 a-year, and stopped by the employers out of the wages and salaries of all persons in their service.” af aad * “All the ineptitudes projected in the above extract from the out- pe pers prolusion of Mr. Cuapwick, are based on the negation of the self-evident truths, thus expressed by a contemporary philosopher, ‘that income is income, whatever its source, its tenure, or its duration, and that a tax on incomes ought to be assessed irrespectively of the supposed private circumstances of the individuals or classes by whom they are received.’ These ‘elementary truths’ have been repeatedly demonstrated by the simple method of boldly stating them. There is nothing like it. ; : “It is not at all inexpedient to make the preceding axioms ‘the subject of habitual controversy,’ because the more they are contro- verted the more undeniable they will appear to anybody who has the perception to see them, being blest with a tolerable understanding and @ permanent income. The ‘fact, that a precarious income is less valuable than a perpetuity of the. same nominal amount,’ must be aeknowledged to be ‘undoubted.’ Indeed, one might almost go ao far |as to say that there can be no reasonable doubt about it. But that | only proves that the earner of a precarious income cannot afford to pay | as much Jpcome-Tax as the receiver of a perpetual one, The question | is, not what he can afford, but how much he can be made to pay ; because the less he pays, the more must be exacted from others who are better off than himself, but not more willing to contribute to the revenue. | “The supposition, entertained half-educated and half-witted persons, subsisting by the exercise of their small abilities, that preca- rious incomes ought to be less heavily taxed than those which are permanent, rests on the ridiculous postulate, too generally conceded, that people ought to be taxed in proportion to their means. This fallacy is unhappily somewhat countenanced by the existing exemption from Income-Tax of incomes under £100. Yet, as the owner of free- hold or ftmded property bringing in £99 19s. 113d. pays nothing whatever, whereas the earner of £100 pays 6d. in the pound ; even here in some measure is recognised the righteous principle of disproportionate assessment. “The system of levying Income-Tax on capitalised incomes, 8s advocated by Dr. Farr and Mr. Cuapwick, would substitute a property-tax for an Income-Tax. Of course all persons would then be taxed according to their means; which would be a dreadfully ‘ mis- chievous error.’ Insufficient means constitute a good reason why a poor man should not live at the same rate as a rich one, but they are no reason whatever why he should not be just as highly taxed. This consideration opens up a view to one method of equalising the Income- Tax which would be reasonable enough ; that of levying on all incomes the same absolute amount; or an amount so nearly the same as a sum that shall not exceed the income itself. If, indeed, the rule of propor- tion to means is to be observed at all, let the proportion be inverse, and precarious incomes be the most heavily taxed. For ‘a precarious income pays only a precarious tax, and a life income only a life tax, while hereditary and perpetual incomes yield an ever recurring per- centage to the State. Accordingly, impose the higher tax on pre- carious and terminable incomes, that you may make the most of the precarious Income-Tax payer before he dies or is ruined. When his means of subsistence fail him, and, the Income-Tax having deprived him of all that he could have saved, he is being sold up, with the work- house or starvation staring him and his fai in the face, you may console him by telling him that his Income-Tax has ceased with his income, and mock his misery : which will be fun. : “ Perhaps the Income-Tax is not so bitterly execrated as it is said to be. Evasion under Schedule D. is confessedly uncommon. It may practised here and there by an unscrupulous fellow who says to himself, Really this tax is too absurd an imposition. Of course I ought not to | —_=____—., cheat the Government, but then neither ought I to cheat myself; and ee OU Etn a oO eo te: [)

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| standing SepremBer 21, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 121 | if, on the one hand, I owe my country my just contribution to its expenses, on the other it is my 2 age ta duty to offer all the resistance I can to a public swindle.’ Few doubtless are they who act on this erroneoms reasoning. is perhaps one class of precarious incomes which in some instances may not be quite correctly returned under Schedule D. These are the incomes of thieves and pickpockets; who, however, when they repent and abandon their dishonest courses, no doubt remit all their unpaid Income-Tax to the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXcHEQUER under the name of conscience-money. } “Mk. D. Cmapwicx believes that ‘the estimated uniform rate of one halfpenny m the d on the capitalised value of all incomes would produce £20, per annum.” Against the scheme of capitalising the value of all incomes in order to subject it to the extor- tionate uniformity of a tax of one halfpenny in the pound I pote, ‘on behalf of fiscal and justice,’ which are very different things from justice and as understood by the greasy vulgar. “Tam, Mr. Punch, your obedient Servant, “ Crassus.” THREE BOWS TO A STRING. THE subjoined advertisement, copied from the Glasgow Herald, is rather more amusing than itelligible :— ATRIMONY.—Three Young Gentlemen, wiling to commence busi- ness in Glasgow, are desirous to meet with a You Y, possessed of good looks, an amiable temper, and few hundred pounds, with a view to Ma’ 4 The Lady will have her choloe-of the three Gentlemen. Address “Trio,” — On behalf of numerous lovely beings who have applied to us witha request to procure them suitable employment, we should like to know whether the three tlemen who wish to commence business, and who advertise for a wile amongst them, intend trading as partners, or whether the partnership contemplated is to be simply matrim between the yous arene the young gentleman she may select ow! of the “Trio.” they, for commercial or domestic reasons, desire to have a wife in the jones is their advertisement a speculation in which they have joined by elubbing papain the means of paying for its insertion, in order to one of the chance of getting a wife with a little money ? Whichever theory may be adopted, it will too probably be the opinion of any young lady possessing a few hundred pounds, who may read the above announcement, that she had much better keep her portion in her pocket than invest it in any engagement with “Trio,” or with one of the Triad, inasmuch as in such a transaction the odds against her would be to one. Two to one, however, is the sign or symbol of “Trio,” and this consideration may suggest the surmise that the business which “Trio” propose to commence may be that of the minor species of money-merchant who is popularly represented as towards his customers in the endearing relation of Uncle. We cannot teh subject without remarking that fancy depicts the Three Young tlemen of Glasgow competing for the choice to be exercised by the Yo Lady on the detur pulchriori principle, by dancing before her simultaneously to a fast tune on the bagpipe. FEAST OF ST. SEPULCHRE. Ax appetite is the usual reward of bodily exertion, but is not gene- rally su to result, from religious exercises. Devotion, however though it may not excite Protestant hunger, would, by the subjoine announcement, cut out of the Liverpool Daily Post, appear to have the effect of making Catholics “ peckish” : THE CATHOLIC CEMETERY CHURCH, FORD, will be Opened on Sunday next, the 8th instant, at Half-past Eleven o'clock. High Mass (eink a ing) will ye Ra the open air, with full orchestra. Sermon by Lo , the Bishop. Collections will be made. Admission to the Ground, 6d. ; Reserved ls. ; (each), 1s. Refreshments will be provided on the ground. A train leaves the Exchange Station at 9 o'clock, and Sandhills at 9°5. The intimation that “refreshments will be provided on the ground,” cpates to have referred to an important part of the arrangements for the intended ceremony. It is emphatically repeated in the other adver- tisement following, extracted from the same paper :— ONSECRATION OF THE CEMETERY CHURCH AT FORD, by the Ricut Rev. Dr. Goss, Bishop of Liverpool, on Sunday next, the 8th instant. Dinners and refreshments will be provided on the ground by Mr. Barrett, of the London Hotel, Clayton Square. t-class Dinner, 2s. 6d. ; Second- class, Is. 6d. Trains will start from Exc Station, Liverpool, for Seaforth, at 9a.m. and 1.20 p.m. Really, the consecration of a re pray Church seems to be quite a jolly affair in the estimation of some of our Catholic friends. Is it heretical to meget that there seems something grim in these sepulchral festivities ? Odd notions about fasting we all ascribe to Catholics, but few will be prepared to find that their ideas of a feast are so peculiar. A pic-nic in a cemetery does seem a strange t. The burial-ground had not as et been used; otherwise tombstones might have served for tables. t was the musical accompaniment to these stomachic solemnities ? De profundis, followed by The Roast Beef of Old England ? The latter chant would have been as appropriate as the former, unless “ funeral baked meats” were the only form of animal food consumed, on that occasion, by the faithful. HARVEST AT WHOAM AND ABROAD. P_2 We’ve had a good harvest, my neighbours, Considerun a med ha’ bin wus; Zo now let us rest vrom our labours, And matters in general . Our innurds wi’ drink full and mate full, We sets here our long pipes behind, Whosomedever wun’t own his self He ought to be ’prison’d and : We ’ve had a long spell o” fine weather, state and in sason as well; At pace and in quiet together, Like cattle and ship we do dwell. Whereas, for the zake o’ comparun, When round us we takes a survey, We looks upon Christians a tearun Ache other like beastes 0’ prey. Sad work them there Yankees be makun ; The hogsheads o’ blood they must shed ! And fellers our own languidge spakun, Wherein they med better ha’ read ! And ’taint only maimun and killun, I may say, their kinsfolk and friends ; But they flings away every shillun In powder and shot as they spends, There’s Austria too in disquiet ; The Emperire like to be wrecked : They ’ve took away Hungary’s Diet, And what can sitch tyrants expect ? Then Venus, as hates ’em like pison, Till they be stuck fast in a mess, Bides only her time for arisun__ Straightways GarrBaw py cries “ Sess!” In Naples the thieves and banditty, In which is young BomBatoo’s hope, Robs, murders, and burns without pity, Turned loose on the land by the Pore. And the Pore in his slippers is shakun, For fear lest the French should goo whoam, And lave un to save his old baco By takun French leaf too from Rhoam. The whirlwind abroad they be reapun, Cause why ’twas the wind as they sow’d ; When the tempests be sprung up and sweepun, In course them they sweeps must be blow’d. So, not for to prache a long sarmon, Let ’s mind what we puts into ground. Success then, I ’ll now say, to farmun, Wi’ that, mates, here’s to’ee all round. Oty 4 Lerrer.—Gznzrat Forey is to command the first division | of the Army of Paris. Considering the eee occupations that await | the French army on the Rhine and in Belgium,—to say nothing of Italy and places nearer home,—the General should change one Jetter of his name by Imperial licence, and be henceforth GznERat Foray.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SepremBer 21, 1861, HOW TO MAKE A WATERING-PLACE PLEASANT TO VISITORS, PARTICULARLY INVALIDS. (A Hint to the Powers that be at Sundbath.) Time, 6°30 a.M. FUN AT EAST BRENT. Annvaltty, for the last four years about this time, at East Brent, Somersetshire, a harvest home, got up by the vicar, the famous, ARcH- pEAcon Denison, has been celebrated with much festivity. This year the Bast Brent Harvest Home is reported: to have been particularly festive. A Bishop made a joke! Tue Ricut Rev. tHe Lorp Bisnor or Bata anp Wetts (Baron AvcKLAND), after dinner, in answering to the toast of the Bishop and Clergy, took occasion to say :— ‘* This year we were not obliged to buy as last year, and if we did so buy a great | (Laughter.) We knew enough of Bull Run | without being desirous of allowing money to run there for corn. (Renewed laughter).” deal of money would go to Bull Run. Bravo! Lord Bishop :— Your attempt at a pun That you made upon “run,” Was uncommon good fun, Therefore Punch owes you one. Two words of different meanings and the same sound in the same sentence—according to that definition of a J aye the Bishop’s was per- fect. Certainly it quite achieved the end of all unning ; which is and ever was to create amusement and to set the table in a roar. May we never make a worse. It is the fashion to affect contempt for _—. The poor conundrums of the time want countenance; so again, Bravo Bishop! It was a former Bisnor or Batu anp WELLS who sang :— “* [need no roast but a nut-brown toast , To keep me —_ the cold ; am so wrapped, and thoroughly la In jolly good ale and old.” only lapped And when he was in that state no doubt he made puns. _ ‘The Ven. Chairman himself also came out if not exactly as a regular joker, + in a considerably jocose style. Having proposed the health of the Volunteers— “He added that he had never much fear of invasion, but if hostile Frenchmen set foot on our shore, he should be inclined to forget his character as a minister of the Church of England, and do his best to shoot them.” | By all means let the Venerable and jolly ARcHDEACON DeEnNIsoN | forget his clerical character, if necessary, in order to shoot foreign |invaders. We only hope that he will never forget his character as a | minister of the Church of England in affecting that of a Roman Catholic | priest. May his fighting, as a volunteer of the Church militant ever |remain limited to the field of theological polemics. If, however, he should ever be called upon to wield the rifle instead of the pen, and, instead of combating clerical opponents, to do battle with invading foreigners, we trust that he will rove himself a hero of the Chure | triumphant; and that his comrade in glory will be the reverend artil- leryman whose namie appears in the paragraph hereinunder quoted :— “The Rev. T. Huo, chaplain of the oldest volunteer regiment, the Hon. Artil- |lery Company, also responded. In case of an invasion, he expressed his intention of oat his black cassock side by side with the red coat, and sharing the victory or defeat. The victory of course, brave Hugo, and reverend as brave. We | shall have the pleasure of hailing you victor, and then of course your name will go down to posterity as the British Victor Hueco. We can’t help saying so. Quits to the BisHor or BaTH AND WELLS! Among the company present we did not notice the name of the Rev. Mr. Dircuer. Everybody recollects the case of DircHeR v. Denison. If the plaintiff and defendant in that renowned ecclesiastical suit have not already shaken hands, perhaps they will fraternise before this time twelvemonth, and then, at the next East Brent Harvest Home,— Denison to DircHER Will quaff a friendly pitcher, And Drrc#er unto DENISON | Likewise drink health and benison. Burying all unkindness in the bowl, and so sinking their differences (as the Bishor or BatH anp WELLS would say) over the beer. | A New Sovergien ror THE Untrep Stares.—Martial Law, vice | King Mob, put under restraint. Printed by William Brad , of No. Woburn Place, and Frederic Sarvspar, September 2), U k Mullett Ev: of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Par! Printers, at their Office in Lombard Steet, im the Precinct of Whitefriars, ia the City of London, and Published ty then at No. 8, both in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the of Middlesex, leet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in the of London. \paa Sila \\ what |

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SEPTEMBER 28, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Ju! A LIGHT-FINGERED BRIGADE WANTED. } | | | | KX XX RAAALY ToT) a Mae |Z TTT 7 a ON I 3 —~ =—_ { We ~ a, | persist in Smoking, you will be fined Forty Shillings, Sir.” | Shillings now.” Tue brotherly war on whicu the Americans —— have entered, will not be wholly unproductive of MAW beneficent effects, at least if credit be attached to the following accounts :— “Tt is said that not a single one of Witson’s Zouaves have now the clothes they came to Fort Pickens in, having stolen each other’s all round, and that old Harvey Brown has but one suit of clothes left (the one he wears), and has to sleep under a body guard to save them ; and further, that Witson had to put his commission in the powder magazine to keep them from stealing it.”— Pensacola Observer. ‘** Bitty Witson’s Zouave regiment is said to be com- posed of all the New York thieves.”"—Liverpool Albion. If the latter of these two be a veritable s.ate- ment, we really think the Yankees are less to be condoled with than they are to be congratulated for the quarrel that has sprung up between them and the South. If this regiment be “composed dance of such rubbish must be so great a blessing, that it must prevent the war from being thought an utter curse. Let any one in London who has just lost his repeater, or had his purse stolen, containing something more than trash, think what a comfort it would be to all its rob- bable inhabitants if all the thieves of London were to form a Zouave regiment, and, leaving town and their usual avocations, were to ame themselves with filching one another’s clothes. of all the New York thieves,” it follows that | New York is clear of their society, and the rid- | Let our pickpockets and pilferers, of | i treets | Oxp Parry. “ Really, Sir,—I am the Manager of the Line, Sir—I must inform you that if you wt all custinle eaobeceal Gea dling ly | subscribe to furnish them with clothes, so that Fast Erontay. “ Well, old Boy, I must have my Smoke ; so you may as well take your Forty | they need not steal each other’s when they want to come out smart. } | PROFESSOR OWEN ON RELICS. | “Mr. Puncu, _ “Ty a literary notice of a new book, entitled Alpine Byways, | allusion is made to a circumstance which should be related to the | Ultramontanes—a heretic would perhaps say to the Ultramarines. We | are informed that— | “At the inn on the Riffel the author met Proressor OWEN, who gave an amusing account of his visit to Cologne, and his examination of the vast collection of the | (so-called) bones of the 11,000 Virgins, there religiously preserved in the Church of | St. Ursula. e Professor d the collection to consist of the remains of various descriptions of creatures, amongst which horses and asses, cats and dogs, had numerous representatives.” | “ Everybody, of course, knows that the relics which have been for ages | preserved at Cologne by the piety of an enlightened clergy, as the bones of 11,000 Virgi e osseous remains of that number of L Virgins, are really th t P British maidens, ‘all bound from Cornwall to be married in Armorica, | carried by tempests up the Rhine to the city of Cologne, and there mar by an army of Huns under Attila.’ How is it that bones | which Catholic tradition has attributed to the human subject, are found | by PRoFEssor to have been derived from the lower animals ? |. “A little while ago, a very profound theologian, animadverting, under | the signature of Cocrrans, in the Zadlet, on Essays and Reviews, sug- gested, in order to account for certain geological facts which, according to infallible dogma, ought not to be, that, during the formation of the world, the fossil remains of the ichthyosaurus, megatherium, and such like extinct animals, may possibly have been transported hither from some other planet, and interpolated among the strata constituting our | earth’s crust, by the devil. According to this conjecture, when the crust of the earth was fashioned, the Author of Evil had a finger in the pie. He put these fraudulent fossils into it, and the ap who, on those fallacious evidences, assign to the globe a higher antiquity than what the Church allows, may be supposed to have been deceived and misled into that heresy by a scientific imposture, the work of diabolical agency. “If we adopt the foregoing theory, which obviously commends itself to common sense, we can have little difficulty in concluding that the horses’, asses’, cats’, and dogs’ bones discovered, on examination by Proressor OWEN, to constitute the collection of relics exhibited to as those of the — Virgins, were just so many surreptitious osteological specimens, with which the devil baited his trap to catch a philosopher. ion to this hypothesis lies in the question, “ The only conceivable obj what could have become of the genuine Virgins’ bones ? The devil, of course, durst not touch those holy relics with his own paws; it is, therefore, to be concluded that he instigated somebody to put them out of the way. “Sr. Unevis's Church contains her tomb. If that were opened, I should not be at all surprised if it proved to enclose the skeleton of ‘a | small she-bear. In the same sacred edifice the heads of the Three Magi are also exhibited. They, too, might have been replaced with the crania of quadrupeds. Had Proressor Owen examined them, and discovered that they were, in reality, the skulls of so many jackasses, that. revelation would have not at all astonished, but, on the contrary, would have highly edified, and confirmed the faith of your enthusiastic | reader, “Boa ConsTRicror.” “P.S. When the relics of a Saint are ‘translated,’ do not suppose that his head, necessarily undergoes the metamorphosis which was operated on that of Bully Bottom.” AN IRISH BULL FROM FRANCE. One of the annoyances of being in high station is, that public notice is certain to be taken of your bodily infirmities, and signs of failing youth. Thus, speaking of the Emprror, says a letter from Chalons :— “‘ He looks older and stouter than he did in Italy, and seems to have some diffi- culty in walking. All this does not appear when he is on horseback, but is very visible on foot.” Indeed, that is extraordinary! We have rarely read a statement more painstaking in minuteness, and where greater care was taken to prevent a misconception of the nicely-worded truth. By sa that the Emprror’s “ difficulty in walking” is not at all observable “when he is on horseback,” the writer leaves small doubt that Ireland is his birthplace, and that he is skilful in breeding Irish bulls. But when he adds, that the Imperial impediment in w g is readily perceptible when he is on foot, we must admire the bold redundancy of speech which leaves no chance of misconceiving the intention of the text. By the way, the Emperor is rather fond of bull-fights, and has recently, at Biarritz, enjoyed the treat of seeing some. As a far less savage pastime, we advise him to get up a course of Irish bull-fights, and to invite men in his presence to contend in bloodless strife—not in killing, but concocting the cleverest Irish bull. If our friendly bint be taken, and, as the Emperor loves Punch, we have little doubt it will, we certainly would back the correspondent we have quoted to compete against all comers in breeding Irish bulls. | VOL. XLI, o

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[Suprempgr 28, 1861. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. i rvy mig ni | i i Ni eS A Londo Preventive Service Man taking his Three Months’ Turn EFFERVESCENCE IN THE STREETS. _ We don’t know if it be because we ’ve had our holiday, and therefore view with jealousy all those whom we see jolly, but to our mind the street boys appear unusually boisterous, and more than commonly exuberant in their overflow of spirits. Perhaps it is they think that as there’s “ nobody in town,” they are entitled to use London exactly as they like, and to look upon themselves as in fact its only occupants. However this may be, they turn the pavements into playgrounds without fear of the police, and peg their tops upon our corns and run their races round our legs, without the least show of timidity at the sight of our clenched or our clutched umbrella. Then they dance | their demon dances in the middle of the street, for now the hansoms are laid up there’s not. much dread of being driven over; and they carry on their converse in a louder tone than ever, and keep bellowing to each other alternate question and reply until they get at least the length of Regent Street apart. Another favourite trick they have of stopping some old gentleman, and meekly asking him the time; and when after great exertion he has tugged his valuable watch out of his | fob and aye ly informed them the exact hour of the day, instead of reverently th g him, they run off to their comrade, crying, “ Look *ee ’ere, Jim, ’ere’s the Ossguards Clock a-walking!” _ But it is at nightfall that the boys get most rampageous. Then they | hide behind street corners and rush out on nervous people, shrieking “hi!” so shrilly that it makes one’s blood run cold. Or théy congre- gate in clusters on some kerbstone or clean doorstep, and give a/ fresco concerts of the newest nigger music, with the loudest h oo that they can howl by way of chorus. And finally just when you’ve tumbled into bed, and fancy that there ’s nothing but the cats which can disturb | you, some horrible small fiend (who perhaps has supped off greasy | pudding, and is suffering therefrom) stands under the lamp-post just opposite your window, and takes out his Newgate Warbler or his Old ro Ridley Songster, and sings most melancholy solos in the most minor of keys. Whether any of the street boys save up any of the coppers they get flung them in the season, and when it ends invest them largely in buying ginger-beer of so Leeueron a brewing that it gets into their heads, is a point for social science to discover if it likes, but which we | must own ourselves unable to clear up. But it is certain that in | autuuan there is much more effervescence about them than is usual; and so marvellously active are they in their movements that it very rarely happens that the fizz is taken out of them by the cuff of the policeman or the beadle’s dreaded boot. Tue Great Disease OF THE CaouRcH.—Pluracy. Sor the Season. N HOW TO SINK ONE'S. NAME, SHoutp GARIBALDI ever accept the command of the Federal troops, we propose that, out of |respect to his former achievements, he should | modestly sink his own name—or, rather, change )} | it, to prevent its sinking; but, at the same time | we suggest that he should adopt one that would / _.—~ | still show that he was of Italian extraction. For 2 | this purpose, we do not think he could do better .|than assume the illustrious cognomen, that is Doodle, of Maccaront. he carefull ‘}manding. We cannot help thinking that “| EIRUTENANT-GENERAL MAccARONI mander-in-Chief of all the Federal would sound extremely grand. Union is not Always Strength. We read that SraurracuEr is said to have Ae} cheered up Wutiam with the following words : — “Berbunven werten auch vie Schwachen miichtig’’—which means, as every one who knows is well aware, that “ By union the weak even become strong.” We-would whisper these sensible words of STAUFFACHER into the ears of the Americans, if at the present moment they were not a little deaf to reason; for in America is not the reverse now prevailing? There we see in process of being proved, “‘ By Union the strong even become weak.” ABSENCE OF BODY INVOLVES ABSENCE OF FEES. Commiss]onER GovLBuRN alluded, at the erates Court last 1€. Wednesday, to the common practice of solicitors sending t that Court. He said :— “The act did not allow him to hear solicitors’ clerks, nor would he do so. He must put a stop to the custom referred to. For the future, the fee of every solicitor | attending only by his clerk would be disallowed on taxation.” The Commissioner is very hard upon solicitors who are absent, and | very justly so. The punishment is, that no fee is to be allowed on such peccant occasions. We do not find fault with the punishment; on the contrary, we think it sins only on the side of mildness. However, we should like to see a similar punishment meted out to all defaulters of a similar stamp. Do not barristers frequently accept large fees, and yet | never present themselves in Court? Do they ever return their fees? | We never heard of any such wonderful fee-nomenon ; nor is it very easy | to make a barrister do so, inasmuch as a barrister, like a physician, never sends in a bill, but is paid, as a crossing-sweeper is for his dirty | work, then and there upon the spot. Consequently, there being no | bill, there might be some slight difficulty in taxing it. However, we | would summon him publicly before the Court, and apply some kind of | legal stomach-pump until such time as he disgorged what he had dis- | honestly swallowed. We should like to know, if a process, something | like the one we have proposed, is fee-sible ? The same arp sauce, we | think, should be ladled out alike to the legal goose as the Chancery gander ; that is to say, if you can call solicitors and barristers “ geese” | when they studiously make it their practice of preying upon them. | Pretty goslings! We should not like to be the client to fall in their | way when any one of them returns from the Long Vacation! What | appetites they will have, to be sure, after fasting so long! Cruel Imposition. Tue Prussians carry on their government in Posen (so says the Times correspondent) by means of despotism, corruption, fraud, an “obscurantism.” So bad is the Government, that the country should be called, if merely to characterise the Prussians’ base conduct, not Posen, but Imposen’. A SEASONABLE REMARK. His L-p-so-p THE E-rt or D—sy meeting the Rient How Bexs—1n D-sr-211, M.P. for Bucks, remarked, “ Dizzy, my boy, the days are getting in.” “So are not we, my Lord,” replied the Ex- Cuanc-L-R oF THE ExcH-Q-R. — immortalised in the national anthem of Yankee | Thus, not only would | avoid being confounded with the | Americans, but he would also flatter the dearest | prejudices of the brave troops he was com- | m = Forces, a ir clerks to | in on rema ae Iz which elapse latter me.

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SepremBer 28, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. NOT THE DIFFERENCE OF A HAIR BETWEEN THEM. agreeable, down the middle. object. You the BritishAssociation, PRoFessor OwEN, in the course of a lecture | delivered on the inter- esting strangers intro- duced into this country by Mons. pu Cuali1v, said — ‘* The young have very white faces, but they ac- quire a leaden black hue by age. Another effect of age is grey hairs, and it may be common to both varieties of chimpanzee.” It must be a comfort to man to know, that, if he is subject to grey hairs, that the chim- panzee at all events shares the same in- firmity with him. The genus homo is not sin- gular on that head. Ve nape this simi- larity of tendency may cited as only ano- ther proof how closely the two races allied. In fact we can * youch for the fact our- selves of having seen young monkeys. who ad grey hair at a very early age, and the effect the hair (and young monkeys have a trick that way) is parted old igekey wite grey hair is, however, a very un him by his empty chatter, which is not only very unpleasant to listen to, but extremely difficult to understand. It is quitea language ant-looking 125 | of its own. Avoid him by all means, unless you wish to | be taken for one of the same tribe. monkey: and that is his white face does not “ ea leaden black hue by age.” It is so far lucky that he : free from that particular #eireeur, to which his si is unha’ oily he might be sold for a nigger. yet we know many men who share the same weakness, for certainly the older they grow the blacker they become. The blackness is only internal, instead of ai on the surface. By the bye when one’s face got to the colour of black-lead, it would be extremely handy to eal in the housemaid, when she was cleaning the grate, to come in and give your features a rub with the brush! It is fortunate that the chimpanzees have no looking- glasses in the woods. We fancy the effect of an old buck of a chimpanzee examining in the glass, and disco- vering his first grey hair, would be extremely comical. Lucky beasts, they have a failing, and know it not! This constant ignorance must be mugen gee petual beauty; and besides, only think of the tiques; hair-washes, i at 3s. 6d. per bottle blissful lodyte. Heureuse béte, if we were not a man we should to be a chimpanzee ! A Character Worthy of the City. _ We see that the motto of Mr. Suermr is “ Twenty finished.” But “twenty” what? Can they be bottles? We have heard of two and three bottle men, but a man who can finish twenty certainly surpasses everything that our ancestors ever did in the bibulous line. If this be true, not only is capacious Mr. TwewryMan properly qualified to be Sheriff, b we will venture to ict that has y to be Lord 4 material in him some an countenance to TWENTYMAN when he wishes to be Wards he will naturally give his soken. Port- THE FLEETING FASHION. “ Mr. Puncn, ; “ A Criticat notice of Mr. Cartes MatHEws’s new comedy in one of your contemporaries, contains what I may call a remarkable remark, viz. :— ‘* In the appointment of this comedy there is, as regards costume, an oversight which is not wholly undeserving of notice. Though six months are supposed to elapse between the first and the second acts, most of the characters come out in the latter wearing the same dresses as in the former.” “The office of the Drama is ‘ to hold the mirror up to nature,’ and the author of the above criticism takes it for granted that the mirror held up to existing society would of course not reflect people at the end of six months in the same dresses as those which they had on in the g- ‘ Yat : ‘This assumption, the general correctness of which is too undeniable, forms a striking commentary on the extravagance of the period. “To anybody who is accustomed to the labour of endeavouring to make both ends meet, otherwise than in buttoning a waistcoat over an ever expanding circumference, no intrinsic absurdity would be apparent in the representation of a person in other than opulent circumstances appearing for the second time in the self-same costume as that in which he had first a for six years previously. I do not remember when I bought the coat in which I am now writing ; but I know it was much longer ago than that. | 1 ‘ “Fashion, however, requires articles of dress to be discarded long, very long, before they are half worn out. Many men even want a change of clothing oftener than once in six months, and the flunkeys in some establishments expect their plush to be suueed as frequently as the trees require a renewal of their inexpensive liveries. The demand for unnecessary novelty in female attire is the source of the most anxious Spammer to every Paterfamilias not in circum- stances, who must be continually considering what self-denial he can anyhow action, what enjoyments possibly forego, in order to find the money which his wife and daughters oblige him to lay out in innu- merable square yards of muslin, silks, and satin, = s “A hat will last a careful proprietor a great while without looking very shabby, especially if now and then new lined. Bonnets, no doubt, it be made to wear, if not so long as hats, at least three or four years; but, as if materials were not fugacious enough, fashions change c | However, man has one decided superiority over the | OME short time ago, at | f * { i bject ; or else al wyieressoy th araml su ; Or suppos: e were in America, fees.” And before fabrics decay. No wonder that young men hesiiate to marry, and thereby commit themselves to a life spent in devoting their energies, abilities, and industry to providing the wherewithal to support the consumption of drapery. The effect of female dress is thus doubtless in a great measure the opposite of that for which it was desi . it would certainly have a repellent effect on one. young man, if youth were a spec of life which had yet to be completed by your er, who will own he is perhaps not without some justice, but. with a too exclusive regard to his exterior, which is not fashionable, sometimes disrespectfully denominated, “ An Oxp Guy.” A FINE FALL IN OCTOBER. THERB’s a good time nearly come, boys. Read the brave news which appeared the other day in the Zimes :— “Price or Brer.—The leading brewers of Burton have issued Circulars to their customers, informing them that on and after the lst of October the — of ale wiii | be reduced 6s. per barrel, ‘ the prospects of the harvest happily ena’ make the reduction.’ ” ling them ‘ to but poetically, denominated the heavy dews fall i This time of the year is, popalady, Fall. The leaves now begin to fall, the m there is more or less rainfall about the time of the equinoctial gal ‘ es and, what is rather unusual at this season, though always seasonable, a in the mornings, | s'. sly occurred in the rate of discount at the Bank. Partridges | now fall 1: considerable numbers, and showers of shooting-stars are | expected to fall about November ; but the fall of beer announced for | the lst of October, being a fall of drink, will be looked forward to with | more general interest than the fall of any meteor. T° BE PARTED WITH, for the veriest trifle, 2 LONG ESTA- BLISHED COLD, of a sonorous, deep-toned quality. The advertiser can highly recommend it, as it has been in his possession now for the last three -years, and has never left him, either day or night, for a si minute. The only motive for porting ve it, is because the owner has recen' nds that his fellow-students strongly object to dozen boxes of cough lozenges will be thrown in, as a douceur, with the above. Immediate possession can be fad, and a month’s trial allowed for a val.. Letters to be addressed to ‘‘ A. Barker, Esg., care of the Secretary of the Tonic Sol-Fallal- de-Riddle-ol Association.” joined a Choral Society, and he | his i with them. |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Serrempen 28, 1861. } i ‘i SSS A GROUND SWELL. Party (who doesn’t suffer). “ Bractnc! atn’t 11, Jack? I ALWAYS THINK THAT THE Beauty oF SalLine Is, you Get AIR anD Motion witout Faticuz. Don’r you TaInk so. En?” [Circumstances over which he has no control prevent Jack from speaking his mind. TO POT AND KETTLE. ; When war’s ended, Doubt there none is _ Oh, you noodles ! For expended But-mere money’s Why prolong this idle strife, Wealth, you’ll nothing have to show That for which you’ve gone to war ; Costing treasure ut Taxation ; And in uring _ _. Without measure, Sad temptation Up, you’re losing Waste of money and of life ? To repudiate what you owe. Just what you are fighting for. You will never All your cotton Never murder More’for ever, Will get rotten, Jas absurder __ North and South, together, pull; As your brave who fall in vain ; Than this bloodshed, which denotes Fach from other You'll have wrack’d your Stupid bad men, Rent, as Broruer Manufacture, Fools and madmen, JonaTHAN from old Jouw But. No advantage’ to obtain. Cutting one another’s throats. The German Fleet. Return to Town. We understand that the Germans are taking the most active and| — Colleen Bawn has returned to Town for the season, after having energetic measures to increase their ileet. It is reported on the very | visited various watering-places, where it has been taking several | best authority (not less than that of Messrs. Szarxz, the great boat-| “tremendous headers.” The Colleen 4 be seen every night at the builders, of Lambeth) that a four-oared cutter will be launched in a| Adelphi Theatre, greatly improved in health and strength. The bathing nd few days. We have not as yet heard whether it is the intention | has evidently done it a deal of good. All letters and applications for of the Court of St. James and the Tuileries to demand of the Prussian | an interview to be addressed to the Box-Keeper. Government any explanation of this extraordinaty measure. : Name rok A New Srrone American Drinx.—The Union- Aw AGRICULTURAL Pursvit.—Racing after a Pig with a greasy tail. | Smasher. | | TrirTrarw TF wv ‘TTTTTATINAT VW any

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= PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Srrremper 28, 1861. RON a, hid iii hie dd CLrijad fa LEMME AE a Sl TE a ; Z Wi Uy,

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| i w2Q PSs Yee Ve ee eh Mt i eel =e Ve aN ae w Stel ee | |

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Seprempsr 28, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. , 129

THE SPINSTER’S READY RECKONER. Showing at an Ante-nuptial Glance how to Live with Connubial Frugality ow £1389 for one year only. To start with—first a pair of Ponies At eighty guineas, cheap you ’ll own is; £ 84 An opera-box—first tier—three hundred, A perfect bagatelle which none dread ; Dresses for balls and drawing: Three hundred—(this Snchole port nw Bonnets and gloves could not reach fifty, Of course assuming one is thrifty ; ry outs a month at Matlock Bath, undred pounds need wake no wrath ; r a at Emms or Baden-Baden, Won’t bend, as Cockneys say, a “ farden ;” Another month or so at Paris— cone = en tout and rudd —so stout and ruddy— Economy I’d pow eg her shady. r Pompeian Villa—country seat, ) Town mansion and marine \ Such necessaries need not grieve them ; So to Mamma and Cuaruzs I leave them. / Subscriptions— pew ame hy =e fairs, Ploniet—tene fo please the Bears be Ee J (Expenses nominal.) (Left to Mrs. Harris.) Ney er rc (Left to CHARLES and Mamma.) Gifs fo poor dames in rustic hovel, wt wa (For 0 tinsatin) Some knick-knacks p’rhaps I a omitted, (The 10 Tf so, the fadeneten— aril Balance) Q. E. D. Errors excepted —_... £1389

THE STATE OF THE HOLY SEE. Tue Holy See is ¢ Botting in a sadly troubled state, and the Holy Father Prvs must be getting mere See sick. Tossed about as he has been, and with wrevt around him so tempestuous and threatening, one wonders the ol gen does not seek some quiet haven, where | he could pass his few remaining days in comfort and in peace. It is | or eer neither while he keeps where he now is ; and, indeed, stormy that there is a great likelihood of his fortunes ao ee Pate oe Ses Mas tp Sinn, his old tiene oes thus relieve and ees his nearly s _. If the pare would throw awa; ions, a hundred hands would instantly be stretc ed forth: to mts elp, and he would quickly be cone to steer into smooth water, and rest in safety from the storms which now disturb the Holy See.

Heart and Head. AMONG tavern-waiters a rendy-sockener is termed a.“ good chalk we ‘ pong wed years Se t ptm soe of an Sy os ent as on precarious as on incomes, is demon strable by simple arithmetic. This demonstration seems to require a good chalk ae Ae ane ee ne aes Fees Se pien Et Com canes age bee earners of precarious incomes as “sentimental.” these gentlemen the head appears to be associated with a heart of stone. i

Apvicr T0 Marcu-Maxinc Mammas.—The first and only thing peeiate j is simply, as Mus. Guass very wisely says, “ First catch your

AN IGNORAMUS ON THE INCOME.-TAX. “ “Pyat shallow and ‘ily who advocate pod a od one of a re or idiots who ‘advocate the im impoation of tes upon different classes hes ately ep plished a memorandum a Fol ty bee. him, PM -< o aos greg on behalf of that injustice. Your veo despicabl, know how prodigiously absurd and weak fone, Rau rotten arguments are. Bh es a gel ary oS Seine duttenvereniel bes was to “at a substitute fi ed an. remising a, quan’ to quote, he goes on to say :-— “ If all men expended the whole of their incomes, then it is rate of Income-Tax would be equivalent to customs duties But the actual 4 of the fact it is, probably, which “as suggested-that the 4 eee ane which no doubt in its customs and ee were required for the whole that a are maintained for @ day, or if it were it could half would be evaded.” “The following hackneyed truism awe for or the dimen, Boe iniquity Cdl ne spaaiai dail in the shape of a perpetual ann land or ae funds, is in in a condition to “Tt has been argued, with noted Sere the cleverest writers in existence, that, ged, ee tenes tncqual now all ngomes will themselves to it in time. Mark the: reply of Mn. Wison -— « sgt me een aly Be = and les would remain as they are, = secmeniaeioain toliees discriminating and that fees “This is rma, Aon eee: quotation of the jaune proverbial e g, ‘ No time the present. f ePabecaueatiy, | Mrz. Witson ridiculously png to demonstrate that the self-adjust ment of the ae ee 0! reg a we pes never =g place. acknowl nt ote , he enters inte een arithm lations. Wison knew nothing of ti denial * - Ae figures. “T do not attempt, Mr. Punch, to refute any of os fallacies above most of = quoted. Bix J have, I think, before, published by you ton course as self-evident absurdity. But they not as new jokes, yet as much vg jok ed to be, now that they en e serious tensa A of Mn whose reputation as a cier is as great as it is beeps “Let me, however, direct your attention, and that ILSON, your readers, to one perilous indiscretion which oecurs among Mn Wioow'e imbe- cilities. Your circulation lies ee —S< the higher classes, to which we both belong, therefore I to notice that mis- take in this place, whence, of course, it will go no farther—will not, for rs. I allude to al ay a i Spottt bs Sa Sead Sato rie anno nm of those —the con- Sey westdtes ‘Whee fn fom tes and temptible wretches whose incomes are fessions. This information must n aaa & eir Mr. Wuson has the 1 add the ae Schedule D. of his belief, that if the same in tual aiiae’ tietonded tothe classes of Income-T'ax payers, such as our noble selves and our who are all independent gentlemen and Pog it could not be main- for a day. Of course it how sure a way to excite their etal qual whose partial operation they are already — soe loudly enough to disturb the serenity of the better orders represented by “Your humble Servant, Crassus.”

Amusements in oe Tue Romans have started a new sists of a figure, considerably whose name somewhat corresponds in turns w the into the whe Contech aocaphetis orcad hed heme Bie ae

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON [SupremBer 28, 1861. CHARIVARI. | li ih | | i Ni AN . oT il i ae | @ . sf i be || {it NT i yy hy Mt | ‘i HH | ij i A\Y hy ‘i Vir vy WA A a In = i | | Mh HH i) TI HII in Wk Et te Op Grew. “ J should like Thick Braids in front, and Curls and a Loop at the back!” | NEWDEGATE IN A NEW CHARACTER. | | A Txovsanp thanks will be given to anybody who | Shall succeed in explaining the annexed passage from |a discourse at the late meeting of the paeeeaiee | Farmers’ Club, reported as having been de = NEWDEGATE :— | ‘When so many complaints were made of f hone speeches in the House of Commons, had it never occurred to those who heard or read them that these complaints might be attributable to a | fact that during these discussions new ideas were develo and that this was thought by some a waste of capital w ‘ch might be turned to more profitable account? (Hear, hear.)” In what sense _the development of ideas during dis- cussions in the House o mmons can be regarded as | a waste of capital, Mz. NEwDEGATE can perhaps explain, but, it may be feared, is much more likely not to have the least idea of the meaning of his own: statement to that effect. Breath is wasted in the long speeches | to which the Hon. gentleman alluded ; so is the patience | of the House and the public, and so is valuable time. | If new ideas were deve oped, "the might be capital, or | migh ht be worthless; but, instead of new ideas, those long -winded orations for which Mr. NEwDEGATE | apo. ologises contain, for the most part, nothing but old | truisms,.and, in greater nga old: fallacies, old platitudes, and venerable jokes. ‘I'he above quotation j=. Mr. NEwDEGATE’s speech suggests a resemblance | between him and Juliet, which we never expected to | discover. Respecting that heroine, Romeo remarks :— | ** She speaks, yet she says nothing,” which is | the Hon. | amount to, | The American Editor's Lament. | A Conscrentious American Editor (there is about ered by = recisely what the above-quoted remarks of | ember for North Warwickshire appear to | | one left) thus pathetically says :—“‘ The symbol of the | } Union, I have always been told, was Stars and Stripes ; but as far as my painful experience goes, it’s Tar and | Feathers.” | Ong wHo Reaps THE “TIMES ” CAREFULLY AS THEY Go.—Would you call a Steward who passes his time perpetually on board a steampacket the inhabitant of any place! Why, yes, I should call him a “ Haditans in Steco !’ | take place. for ¢ THAT ’S THE WAY THE MONEY GOES. Who is it that pouches the fees of the House of Commons ? must have vastly pretty pickings, judging by this statement, which w copy from the Zimes :— “Hiog Frees ix Hicn Piaces.—The House of Commons has published its | ‘Standing Orders,’ corrected to the close of the Session. The table of fees would persons unacquainted with Parliamentary business. The rate varies ac- to the sum intended to be laid out upon the undertaking to be sanctioned. If a town determine on a ete public improvement, on which a million and a half | of money is to be laid ou y Mg ape oy sy Tne ggeen acy Apa a Bill before the House ; House cannot see the petition unless there is a £50 note in it. On the het + of the Bill, on the secend reading, on the report | os from the select committee on the , and, even after os by the select com- | Mone ittee, on the third reading, too, down to the time w en the House has to part | with the Bill, it can see no merit in it unless on each of these steps £150 be paid before the Bill is put to the vote. These are parts of the price which ‘ the powers that be’ charge for an Act of Parliament.” Everybody now, we are told, is out of town, or we should certainly | ask somebody where all this money goes. Is there some official whose | office is a sinecure, Sey pleasant labour of pocketing these fees ? | or do they constitute a fund to pay the and water rates, and oth her | incidental expenses of the House? If the latter be the case, which we | would fain believe it is, we should think the House must have a tidy sum in and r — the yearly surplus, after clearing ~ expenses, to pa: paying 0 large proportion of the | apes Debt. Or the House might vote sapplies out of its fee-fun y the nation’ . Income-Tax, or to pension Mr. Punch. Rither a gt od steps, ani especially the latter, Moy a certainly be received with approbation = the public ; for, besides th tification of seeing Virtue so awed, the public would be pom ns hoe > aries bya grant, confe annually the surplus fees on Mr. If that gentleman ee pecu- y in in the fo of “ great public improvements ” to be made, human nature would, of course, impel him to do all within his power to assist them, and to offer his suggestion where best they might r Editor, eather him. The consequence would be, that such necessary works as clearing awa: He | openall the bridges, widening Cheapside, and de-sewerisi e (and, as Mr. Punch would have a pecuniar | Acts, of course he would not rest till he A SrRonG-MINDED Jetz © ** Educational Minute” smallest notion, titions would pour in olywell Street, throwing the Thames ; interest in each stage of the seen them safely passed. Something More than a Mere Flea-Bite. We read that the Leech mono in | ago for not less than £14,000. largest amount ever received by a nation under the head of “ Blood- The profits | as a Frenchman would ly at Tangiers was sold four years e should say that the above was the too, most probably will be Cent. per Cent., or, say, ” Sang pour Sang ! SPORTS AND PASTIMES OF THE AMERICANS, Ir seems to be a favourite pursuit of the Americans to get hold of a e to differ with them, and to tar and who has the cou “of a nation America was, we should If asked what kin feel inclined, after hearing of the above blackguard propensity, to exclaim “Tar-nation ! ” Golden Sands in Time's Hour Glass. a very nant “blue ”’) was asked what an e? when she replied, “I have not the A POEM ON PORTLAND. “T say, Brit, for a Breakwater wot’s the occasion? ” “W. by, you stoopid, to roll back the tide of inwasion ?” my Png but I conjecture that every “Hour of Progress’ must be composed of nothing but Educational Minutes,” |

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SepremsBer 28, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 131

OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. Y pEaR Puncu,—As an 4 Englishman, I nurture the oe we love for - its large amount of small talk, without fear of the audience finding their ears. tired by it, shows considerable con- fidence in the merits of the plot. “There is clearly an excess of ‘talkee ee” in the play; and though the language is well & chosen, and occasionally witty, its profusion sadly mars one’s interest in the _ story, which is happily conceived and caref wo out. Perha: the author thought, as women are ; : gifted with long tongues, | his Woman ought to form no exception to the rule; and he therefore made his characters so copiously loquacious that they might represent the failing of the sex. Indeed, at the Puale every one ap 80 loth to leave off talking, and so many pretty final s es were deliv it seemed as though there was a woman’s struggle on the stage as to who should have the victory of saying the last _. “But map mapmncny Beyer = Woman is decidedly a comedy worth seeing, if only for the reason that it really «# a comedy, and not, as most are nowadays, merely a long farce. Except that its main hinge is taken from a law court, the story is original and the interest well kept up: indeed, I am bound to say that, despite the lengthy dialogue, the audience I sat among were ready all throughout with their laughter or their tears, and scarce any left their seats until the curtain been dropped. A good proof this, I think, that there is good stuff in the piece, and that we may look for better work from Mr. Fatconer than he yet has done. | ir _ ss

Our crop of dramatists is not so abundantly prolific that we can well afford to lose a plant that seems of promise ; and instead of blighting it with cold and cutting criticism, we rather should endeavour, by judicious treatment, to ensure its healthy growth. “With regard to cast and acting, scratch companies of course must not be judged too strictly : still the parts are, on the whole, very fairly represented, and there are no mistakes to mar the smoothness of the text. Murs. Youne is always graceful, pleasant, and piquant, and possesses more than most that like demeanour which, greatly to my grief and that of all friends to the Drama, seems be- coming every season more rare upon our stage. She plays her part and talks her talk with unpretending ease; and as she has a pleasant voice (‘an excellent thing in woman’), | one excuses the long speeches that she has to make. Mr. Water Lacy, as a cool manof the world, is fitly calm and self-possessed. Few actors are more gentlemanly in their speech and bearing; and part, if rightly read, requires him to be both. The evening I attended Mr. Appison was absent, and Mr. FatconeR played, and fairly played, his part of an old bookworm, who is always throw- ing Latin at pou, and in his fits of absent- is apt to think his thoughts unpleasantly aloud. (But allow me, Mr. F'anconer, just to intimate a doubt if, even in his greatest gulfs of mental absence, so deeply-read a scholiast would ever so far have forgotten hi as to say ‘dentque.’) I must also give a word of praise to Mr. Rosuys, who plays an unctuous footman with much pleasant quiet humour, and haspirates his words with most hextraordinary hease. Mr. Roprys has an eye which is capable of winking, and of which he makes good use; and with such optical coment, it can y be amazing that he sees the charms of h, whom Miss Lyp1 THompson invests with much pretti- ness and pertness, though her Irish brogue is somewhat dubious in birth. “While I write, the Adelphi actors are assembling, and before my words are public the dauntless Miles-na- l will have had two more of his ‘tremendous headers,’ which, of all the plunges in this year’s bathing season, must cer- tainly have proved the most profitable dips. How long longer the Colleen will be allowed to run, it is not for me to prophesy, but for playgoers to decide. It was about this time last year that it was first produced ; and can you name the critic who was sage enough to prophesy how great would be the triumph of this successful piece ? “One wo Pays.”

ANECDOTES FROM PARIS. | By our Travelling Collector. I. | Tue fascinating Miss ****, being taken to the Hi sad loup la!” | young lady | emselves. | inquired the meaning of the incessant cry, by the riders, “ | She was informed that it merely meant “ Come up.” This is one of the few who never forget anything, not even t VI. LD Argent fait Peur is the title of anew Parisian piece. Seeing the name on a bill, Jonzs remarked, “ Ah! don’t it ? white hair I thought I should a-dropped.” friend Roprxson. en I saw my first “Who cares?” said his LE TAMBOUR MAJEUR OF EUROPE. Tus firemen of Bordeaux have a brass band which having lately won hing, the fille de chambre at the hotel * * * was at least as much the prize in a brass band competition at Dax, marched to Biarritz to an oe surprised as delighted at hearing a sweet voice, from an upper landing, | ery, “‘ Julie, Julie, s’il vous plait, houp la!” Il. A Lonpon artist passing the shop of M. Haurcaur, Rue de Rivoli, Publisher of Engravings, remarked that you would naturally go there for High ’ Art. 1m. THE same unfortunate Cockney, having heard that horse-flesh is eaten at certain Parisian hotels, evinced the utmost horror when, looking over a carte at Verour’s, he came to the Aors @’a@uvres. He says that a saddle of mutton is the nearest approach he can bear to equestrian viands. fires. is the very IV. ,, AN all the Roman Catholic churches are now put up trunks inscribed ‘Le Denier de 8. Pierre”’ But, as everybody passes them, Brown says that we are all deniers of St. Peter. Chenrve the joke—“ denier,” one who denies.

v. “TsEBa nem h, mon ami,” said the spirituel Vicémte de * * * * * | to an English friend, “I see a Paragraph mm one of your papers about | worms in the eyes of geese.” “Yes,” said his English friend. “ Well, | mon ami, 1 do not know about that; but I think men who sit dangling a line in a muddy river all day, are se in the eyes of worms.” ‘ ha, not bad,” said his English friend. solace the Emperor with a serenade. ; sympathy for brass, and men so skilful in blowing their own trumpets, graciously rewarded the performers with 300 franes. The money, we are told, has been iveted Imperial cipher. the first place the Emperor has the best right to be the sapeurs p of the word. ; His assailants declare he raisesthem. Besides, a “grosse caisse” occupation of Rome and the annexation of with a vengeance, there is no meaning in Louis NAPOLEON, with a natural to the purchase of a big drum, bearing the happily imagined. In e rams cipher ; for if the avoy language.

Secession. BY CMSAR. Wuart fun dis here Sumcession am, For ebbery nigger, Pompey 1—Yas, Sar! Massar sumcede ud Unciz Sam: Pose you and me sumcede from Massar.

be not gross cases

Very Like A Wuate.—They had better have stuck to the name Ha, | of Leviathan for the Great Kastern, for it seems that the Shareholders | are doomed to blubber.

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Cap. ‘‘ No, Mum, we don’t go so fur as the Cemetery ; but I’?U , OR YHE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SgpTreMBER 28, 1861. My Kt ni WSS IN "ail the fust ’Earse for you, Mum, that we meets down the Road.” MR. SPURGEON AND THE POPE. Ir greatness has its privileges, it also has its penalties. When a man has by his talents made a name in the world, be sure his name will soon be mentioned in all manner of advertisements, and applied to all conceivable articles of trade. Thus both WELLINGTON pa BLucHER gave a title to a boot, and we have seen the Joinville tie, and the Ches- terfield top-coat. A million things at least have been christened after Punch, from penny boxes of cigar-lights to the elegant Poncho wrapper now fallen in disuse. So if the Rev. Mr. Spurczon-feel aggrieved that men of trade for p as he need not feel ashamed to find himself amongst. How his name has been made use of, the following will show :— HE MAGIC SPURGEON. (Copyright). A Magical life-like Por- trait of the most popular orator of the day. When placed on the floor dances gracefully, defying detection. Sent free by return for 18 stamps. The perfect likeness of this portrait to the papales original must convincingly be shown, we fancy, in its graceful dancing. We ha heard of winking pictures, but never before this of a dancing portrait ; and how befitting is the attribute in the case of Mz. Spurcgon will be pg | perceived. Qur readers doubtless well remember how severe was Mr. SpurcEon in his strictures upon dancing, when he took it as his text a season or two since : and how he said that the sole way in which it should be tolerated was for the girls to dance in one room and the gentlemen in another. It must then make this portrait extremely like to life to make it capable of dancing in a graceful manner, as the talented original, no doubt, himself can do. A performer who is skilful in Terpsichorean feats appears to best advantage when seen in a pas seul; and this no doubt was the true reason why Mr. SpurcEon owned his preference for dancing independently of any female aid. This solved, there is, however, another point that puzzles us. Why the epithet of “magic” be applied to Mr. Srurceon, we should be permaned to say. We have never heard it hinted that he practises the lack art—indeed the only way in which we can connect it with his es of lucre have made free with his name, | he at least may feel consoled that he is suffering in good company, such | have | name is by coupling the fact of his having the art of preaching, witlr | the fact that when he preaches he puts on a black coat. Considering the success of the Papal winking pictures, we may well conceive the likelihood of Mz. SPURGEON’S making use of his gracefully dancing portrait, as an‘attraction to his tabernacle when his audience falls off. A great success for instance might on week-days be obtained by his performing a seul after his portrait had done dancing, and, when 7 oe both ha taken breath, winding up by way of finish with a double Spurgeon hornpipe or some other pas de deux. Or why should not Mr. Spurezon send his compliments to the Pore, and challenge | his old Holiness to a trial of the merits of their respective magic works, the one his winking-picture and the other his dancing portrait. Not having ourselves seen either of these marvels, we may refrain from | stating which we think best does its work. But in one respect we certainly must give the palm to Mr. Spurceon’s, at least if: the advertisement we quoted be believed; for in that statement it is said that the trick “ defies detection,” and that is more than can be urged about the winking of the picture, which any one can see with half a | glance is all my eye. A Jewel of a Minister. Tue Porr was bragging about Charity heing the brightest jewel _of the Papal Crown, ven JENERAL Goyon said he could inform His Immaculate Highness which was the worst jewel in his crown. Being challenged for a reply, the tee er of faces coughed out most derisively. “’Em, MrropE” (Zmerau Hf Peace and War. | Wes are at war, if our forces are not, Though they shoot nobody, we pay the shot ; | When shall the battle of armaments cease, Taxes be lightened, and England at peace ? Srortine InTELLIGENCE.—The only consolation the victims of the St. Leger can find for the success of Caller Ou, is that betting men, | like their betters, are all herring mortals. ——e by William of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Printers, at their Office in Street, in the Precinct of Whitef, Sarvunpar, September 28, 1961, Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen’ riars, iu the Cityof London, Road W Regent's in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex. x y them ar Nor 8 Fleet - of St. Bride, in the City of Londoa.— and Published by t Street, in the Parish

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Ss —— 5, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Mr. Peewir (goaded into reckless action by the impetuous Mrs. P. us down at the corner. . © J—I—T shall report you to your Master, Conductor, for not puttin £ 3 a ? ad y 4 Conpuctor. “ Lor’ bless yer ‘art, Sir, it ain't my Master as I’m afeard on! I’m like you—it’s my Missus!” | HOW TO TEACH RELIGION. | THE way to blend religious with secular instruction is beautifully | exemplified in the following extract from the evidence of CuaRLes | Grirritus a little boy about eleven years of age, given at the Bishop’s | Castle County Court, Salop, a few days since, in an action brought by | his father against Henry Cowarp, master of the Bishop’s Castle | National School, for having violently assaulted and beaten him, the said CHARLES GRIFFITHS :— | | “‘T was a scholar at the National School in Bishop's Castle, of which the defendant | is the master. On the 24th of May last, when at prayers, I — to a boy named | App1s, but as I saw the master looking at me I desisted. I did not speak to him | in. After prayers, myself and two other boys were directed to stay in school. The master then asked who spoke at prayers? I said I had; he then told me to hold out my hand, and I did so, and he cut me across it with his cane. He told me | to hold it out again ; I complied, but drew it back when he struck me. He then | caught hold of me by the neck, and threw me backwards across his knee, and beat me across the back with his cane. When the defendant loosed me I fell down | insensible. On recovering myself I saw the master was at his desk, and he told me to ‘ be off.’ I then crawled along by the wall to the door, and went into the playground. I nearly fell down from exhaustion while getting up the steps, when | | two boys came and helped me up and assisted me home.” | This gentle chastisement- produced only a number of great wheals | extending all round this naughty, good-for-nothing boy’s shoulders, and | down his back to his thighs; for perhaps it did not also occasion the | entire paralysis of his lower extremities, which, according to the testi- | | mony of Mr. H. Brooks, surgeon, supervened upon it, and might have | been caused by a violent wreuch of the back. | _ The Judge, although legally obliged to give judgment for the plain- tiff, with £20 damages, said the defendant “was perfectly justified in | penning lad.” Justified ?—what avery weak word! Mr. Cowarp | is very highly to be commended for caning the wicked little boy, | Cuares Grirritas as he did; thus justly punishing the horrible impiety of which that ungodly urchin had been guilty in whispering to | a schoolfellow during prayers. What if he had broken the profane | other juvenile sinners. the latter had not been indiscreetly placed, in past ages, out o Popes, he, Prus, would send him where he should ) hundred years. St. Punch congratulates St. Januarius on his good luck. varlet’s back? Master Grirrirus would have remained a caution to | India, is being prepared for the stage. | 2 The cane is the instrument wherewithal to' made to Mr. Paut Beprorp to sustain his original part of Bluwe-Shin. — the devotional sentiment which, in the youthful mind, is too apt to slumber, and is too seldom aroused by the gentle and winning voice in which a national schoolmaster generally ds prayers. Wheals which cover the shoulders, back and thighs of a little impressions, which latter are never effaced. Religion is thus conn with childhood’s earliest and tenderest associations, and in after years | is esteemed accordingly. Bodily wheals conduce to the soul’s welfare. “* Spare the rod and spoil the child” is a saying to be received and enforced in its natural and literal sense, whatever the heretical authors of Essays and Reviews (wae ought to be burnt) may say to the contrary. What is true of the roc sidered as the means of correcting the inattention of children to their religious duties, or at least of compelling them to exhibit a sanctified exterior. The child will be 4 ed if the cane is spared; but the unsparing use of the cane will killing it. be ; oy are | outward and visible marks, whereunto correspond inward and spiritual | holds equally good of the cane, oreenny con- | ane will spoil no child otherwise and more | seriously than by paralysing its lower limbs, for example, or perhaps | The foregoing remarks may embolden Cowards to persevere in beating religion into little children, without regard to legal consequences. A Lucky Saint. | Sart Janvanivs has turned Victor-Emanuelite, and has boiled just | as neatly as if Bompa were king, vice Victor. The Pore is a ully disgusted, having hoped better things of St. Pomatum, and — that if reach of il for at least a MORE THEATRICAL NEWS. Nil Darpan, the “Indigo Play” that has created such sensation in London stage. Overtures have been | | | | VOL, XLI. P

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ocroser 5, 1861. Nurse. “ Well, Master Walter, I don’t know who you take your temper JSrom. I cam sure you don’t take after your Mother t” Youne Horarun. “My Mother? A Man does not take after his Mother—a Men takes after his Father /” SEVERE, If NOT SAVAGE. “My pear Mp. Puncu, ** Convoloulus Cottage, Friday. “ As I know you are a gentleman, although you are sadly rude sometimes, Sir, m your remarks about the ladies, I am sure you will agree with me that such advertisements as this, which I cut out of a newspaper a day or two , are so extremely /ow and vulgar and offensive to good taste, that any editor of sense should know better than to print them :— ANTED, by a Single Gentleman (a smoker), and not remarkably fond of very small children, FURNISHED APARTMENTS, with Piano, near Streatham, Balham, or New Wandsworth Railway Stations. Forward full i- culars or none at all. If also a Gentleman wishing similar accommodation and the | society of a fellow rather inclined to be jolly under the privations of unrequited love, he may hear of a kindred spixit by addressing a line to X. Y. Z. “I dare say, Sir, this Monster thinks himself a blighted being, because the lady of his love will not listen to his wooing. And he very likely wonders why it is she will not hear him. As if any girl would venture to wed a cruel wretch who was not fond of children! Why. who knows but such a husband might turn out a perfect Herod, an twist his baby’s head off the first time that he got hold of it. I’m sure my fingers Uneie while I think what he might do, and I can hardly hold my pen still, I should so like to stick it into him. “ As for his absurdity in saying he intends to lead a ‘ jolly’ life, not- withstanding all the agonies of unrequited love, was there ever anyt more pitiably ludicrous? It is very fine attempting to make light o his rejection, but depend on it he deeply feels his disappointment ; and if any ‘ fellow ” joins him in the hope of merry company, I ’!! bet a pair of gore that he ’ll be soon glad to be quit of it. Jolly, indeed! and with the memory of his snub—I feel quite sure it was a snub—still fresh upon; him. Nonsense. Don’t tell me. I know how brother Cuartey looked when Rosa Jenxuys wouldn’t have him. X. Y. Z. will be heard nightly sadly pounding his piano with the dolefullest of tunes while all the cats in the vicinity squeal outside by way of chorus. An serve him right, J say. For what right have men to marry, if they don’t like abies? Answer me that, dear Mr. Punch, or else set it as a puzzle to your Jachelor contributors. “ Yours, in a great hurry, for I hear my Pet inquiring for me, “ Bersatinpa Brown.” “PS. The ‘ gentleman’’s a ‘ smoker,’ is he? I hope he’ll find his chimneys smoke, all the wiater through ; and as he wants to live in lodgings, | have no doubt that he will. A WARNING TO SERVANT MAIDS. A CERTAEN young woman in service did dwell; The place Wolverhampton, a true tale to tell. She was standing, one Sunday, her master’s door nigh ; When lo! and behold a young workman came by. He seemed a respectable sort of young man, Going after his beer, as he carried a can. He said unto her, “ Why art thou stickin’ there ?” She answered, “To get Just a breath o’ fresh air.” Se after some wing sa chaffing about, She invited him in whilst her master was out. How many there is as will open the door To them as they never set eyes on before! Down they went to the kitchen together straightway ; And he for himself had got so much to say, That, to his persuasion inclining her ear, She filled up his ean with her master’s own beer. Thereafter he kissed her, which she did return; ee he a what ae joe pepy her'n. ereupon he prevailed of her desk hold, ec ae two pound half a sovermg im gold. He asked her to lend it; she answered him, “No!” To which he remarked, “ You *ll be foreed to do so.’ The» her money he boned and her salts-bottle too ; Which having accomplished, he bade her adieu. Upon the next Tuesday she met him again, _ And axed him to give her property in vain. He told her ’twas spent; she see it no more: Ne doubt he’d served others the same way before. So thinking it wisest. to make a clean breast, On her master’s return the girl went and confessed : He, missing his German pipe, found, to his grief, The same had been likewise purloined by the thief. Him, being detected, they had up in Court, Of her, as a witness, the lawyers made sport : As she was required to appear ’gainst the rogue With whom she was foolish enough to collogue. Now all you young women whose masters is out, Don’t let in the first young man hanging about, For fear it should bring you to shame and disgrace, And lose you your money, and likewise your place. Civilisation in Spain. By a telegram from Spain we get the interesting intelligence that— “The annual bull-fights have commeneed. The concourse of people was very great. Seventy persons have been wounded in the arena.” What fun! How much better the fun would have been though, if a d|a bull or two had leapt out of the arena in among the seats, and wounded as many, or more, of the spectators! THE “NIL DARPAN” BORB. Wuat a deal of fuss has been created in connection with that Bengalee play, the Nil Darpan! Leaving the Da The London Playground for Boys and Fountains. (A Sabbath Colloguy in Trafalgar Square.) } out of the | question, and looking only at the Ni/, which appears to be all that there | is to look at im the case, we are inclined to think that the Indian Government, in treating it as a matter of such monstrous importanee, has made a very great coil abont nothing. Inquiring Stranger. 1 say, Policeman, how is it the fountains are not | playing to-day ? Stern Policeman. All playing, Sir, is strictly forbidden here on a Sunday. POLES WITHOUT HOPS. M. pe Montatempert, in his pamphlet, entitled 4 Nation in Mourning, says that the Poles, in order to demonstrate their abhorrence | ; admires a gallant people’s | pep ciara of a popular pleasure in ceasing to dance; but does he | tha ; of Russian rule, have left off dancing. He taking any steps towards achieving their independence ? “*Oaxk Nom D’un Curey,”—Ma. R-zp-cx, alias The Dog Tear’em. 424 KA ee Se AO ee _ ee eed Repos OO as ie o

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Ocrozer 5, 1861.] FRIENDS AT THE SWAN. THELLO, recounting his losses, concludes the dismal catalogue with that odd lot—troops of Friends. Hence it has been assumed by a diplomatic student _—_ articles to ORD MALMESBURY) | that brims of me} inspiring breadth were not worn at Cyprus | by Cardinals alone. | We need scarcely ob- | serve, that this gen-| tleman’s historical re- | collections are some- | what obscure— that | his acquaintance with | Fox’s stern resistance | ; to tyranny is very | - limited, and his igno- | = rance of Barcuay’s . entire. The fine pic- ture by Macavtay, representing an Eng lish monarch with a Pewn in his hand be- longs, he has no doubt, to the National Gal- lery ; and one of the United States he im- variably spells “ Pen- cilvania,” under a pleasing delusion that its principal manu- facture is MorpAn’s ever-pointed. ; Returning to Othello’s troop—there can be no question that it was composed of those florid- visaged, case-hardened diners-out who come like swallows, so depart. e had no Friends— properly so called. It is true that the General’s courtship (according to his own assertion, solemnly made in a court of justice) was similar to what may be seen under the doric portico of some silent meeting-house. Desdemovia herself, when she, with sweet woes gop t did “seriously incline,” might have easily passed for a young May Quakeress. Though by nature choleric, the General was kept in ‘such a perpetual ferment with his atde-de-camp getting into night-brawls and breaking his rest by ringing his bell, that we cannot wonder if he sometimes devoutly sighed for the institution of a Peace Society. But of his numerous acquaintance, who were qualified for members? oderigo, if nominated, would certainly have been black- ed. Jago’s contemptuous treatment of his purse (pronouncing it trash) was scarcely consistent with the feelmgs of a Friend. Whether Cassio’s tender concern for his reputation was more in harmony with such emotions, is just one of those nice points on which we are too diffident to offer | opinion. | j Modern, as compared with ancient, Quakerism is far less straightlaced. Its habits do not square as they once did, with our juvenile notions of mathematical propriety. More latitude is now given to one thing—less to another. hat Beaver has lost, Crimoline has gained. A vast expansion of ideas has taken place in the Body—though much—too much— remains behind. We cannot too highly appreciate those salutary reforms which Time has wrested from Prejudice, and given to Fashion. Mxs. Orre on being consulted by a young married Friend, as to the pi mode of dressing hair, assured her there was only one orthodox way, and that was to Fry it. No proud and petulant young Lady, on a visit to # quiet circle at Stamford Hill, when she accompanies her dove-like cousins to Meeting, is now provoked into exclaiming, ““O save me from my Friends.” We are glad also to perceive that the amicable Society are oye rid of the plague of Flies. The Omnibus like the Sexton levels all distinctions. An old Friend now shoulders a Cabinet-Maker with his wise saws on the elevated knife-board. Cab is a criterion of character. On the Qaks-day two oung Friends, both fair and gentle, though of opposite Sexes, were seen “doing the Jansom ” over Clapham Common. It may be questioned whether this was a step in the right direction. Probably they were Ethnologists—if so, they took the most natural course for investigating the various Races of Men. Our dear Friends, however, are still encumbered with many high-backed and narrow-seated chairs, and we illingly lend our assistance should they need a vehicle for their removal. Their thoughts run too exclusively along the Commercial Road, and their loftiest culations require winnowing from Congou and Corn. The Muse, like a fond Mother, has en shed secret tears because Friends have drily refitsed to look at her little Boy’s letters. ntle eyes when by our latest oy they learn ) to the superior penmanship of her First-Born. In phrase, Friends—Countrymen, and Lovers of the Bard—contemplate raising with a How Pegasus will neigh! What comic dances ‘orm, and when, at the shining portals Olympus, Mercury makes the joyful s 0 What gladness then will illume her that Justice is about to be rend simpler for en lever a Monwment to SuaksPEARe ! ‘an will proclamation, with what energy will Apollo strike the lyre ! The lic declaration on which our statement is based, we here reprint by permission. Fhs with that legal eloquence which lends such an ineffable charm to Declarations of Insolvency, this important document will be read, we are morally certain, either with dum __ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. ~ | imme b | diplomatic dispatches shall 135 amazement, or elicit a responsive echo in the form of a manifest O! The italics are wot our own, In tHe Marrer or Wittiam SHAksPEARE.— We, whose names and donations are hereto attached, have heard with feelings of deep satis- faction that it hath been proposed and agreed by and between sundry Gifted Intellects to erect a Monument in token of their veneration for that great and good Poet, Witt1am SHAKSPRARE, formerly of Stratford-upon-Avon, in the County of Warwick, Gentleman deceased. The desi we rejoice furthermore to | commended by our Beloved Sovereign’s ter, whose papronans of genius hath never incon- siderately ranged over a wide field, but hath been judiciously confined to.a Close. Hitherto those |marble honours have been withheld from the Conqueror of Mind, which are lavishly awarded by St. Paul’s and the Monument (on which their names are engraven) ‘to the Mi Ones, who in war-chariots shake @ #pear i of ancy, and awaken Terror in of Tender- ness within their fellow man, ent- ay Se this national debt lath been so lon: u eeinted, Mie he oe = solicit sympai subscriptions its i diate di , trusting that all Friends throughout the ‘universe will, like ourselves, be moved — spirit of gratitude towards that ‘Sweet Wiirtam’ who hath bequeathed to us a legacy of Play-things, which contain nothing injurious, and which, unlike ordi Toys, even A ’s children will not be tempted to estroy. Subscriptions already announced, £1000. £ ‘ oO So oy Mark Lane . Grace GoopENovuGH ABEL SWEETMAN Mercy LAMBsSWwooL Davip Duckroor T. Porr ss a Cuarity DovEcOoTE T. Toran ‘ Patient SILENTSIGH . JONATHAN LONGSTRIDE . HEsTER SWANSDOWN . ELKANAH BoTTroMLEY SusaANNAH SKUTTLE Sotomon PLuM “ HannaH HUMBLEBEE A Frienp mn Ngep Ruts HoMEBRED Smon Pore . - . CoLLecteD BY BuanpD SMILES Sunpry SmaLit Donations he SHUSOCCHOUARH OMOEA HHe a ecooroowoocsewrouncseseses ZISSSSamooooacososSseop oO a o Oxapran Pouncu, Hon. See. Shakspeare’s House, Sign of the Swan, PARALLELS OF CRIME. Vehement Wife. Cavtatn Porter Vaux indeed —I’ve no patience with you, Cuartes—I don’t know what I wouldn’t do to him. Exposing a poor dear little child—he ought to be—O, every punishment is too good for him. Brutal Husband, May be so, wy love, but the offence is not rare. Who made little Cara stand on the table and say “Twinkle, twinkle, little cow,” to a whole dinner-party, on ‘Tuesday f (Wire éries to speak, but can only find words to say that there is no use in mea to anybody who can talk so idiotically, Hard upon Lord Malmesbury. Iv is stated, officially, that it is now a Medo- Persic rule at the Foreign office that all oar written in English. i

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Ocronen 5, 1861, } naan i | gti au il fata POLITE ATTENTION. Lady. “ Ou Nonsensft, Caitp.—THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE!” Boy. “No, ’M. Ptiease,’M, two Younc Gents SAID IT LOOKED LIKE Rain, aND I Was TO FETCH YOU HOME IN THIS "ERE CHEER!” | | pathetic preachers speak no other than articulate sounds; for there be | of them, that will themselves groan, to set on some quantity of maudlin | | hearers to groan too; though, in the meantime, some necessary question BISHOP HAMLET’S ADVICE TO THE PARSONS. Enter Bisnor aad certain Parsons. Bishop. Preach the sermon, I pray you, as I pronounced it to you | fluently on the tongue; but if you mouth it, as many of your parsons | | do, I had as lief the begging impostor spoke your discourse. Nor do | not thump the cushion too much—your fist thus: but use all gently ; | for in the very torrent, tempest, and (as I may say) the whirlwind of | zeal, you must acquire and beget a temperance, that may give it | smoothness. O, it offends me to the soul'to see a robustious whisker- cheeked fellow tear an exhortation to tatters, to very rags, to split the ears of the sanctified, who, for the most part are capable of nothing but | inexplicable grimace and rant. 1 could have such a fellow whipped for o’erdoing Chadband ; it out-mawworms Mawworm ; pray you avoid it. lst Parson. I warrant your lordship. Bishop. Be not too cold, neither, but let your own discretion be your | tutor: suit the emphasis to the word and the word to the emphasis, | with this special observance, that you o’erstep not the dignity of the pulpit, for anything so overdone is from the purpose of -preaching, | whose end, both at the first, and now, was, and is, to hold as ’t were | the mirror up to conscience; to show piety her own figure, profane- | ness her own image, and the very soul and spirit of a man his form and | pressure. Now, this overdone, or come tardy off, though it make the | witlings laugh, cannot but make the sober grieve; the censure of the which one, must in your allowance o’erweigh a whole temple of | others. O, there be parsons, that I have heard preach, and known | others praise, and that highly, not to speak it profanely, that, having | neither the accent of Christians, nor the delivery of Christians, scholars, nor gentlemen, have so moaned and bellowed, that I have thought some of Little Bethel’s clergymen had trained them, and not trained them well, they imitated Stiggins so abominably. , 1s¢ Parson, I hope we have reformed that indifferently with us, my ord. Bishop. O, reform it altogether. | And let those that aim at being | | who nobly omit no opportunity of puffing the Police, especially when |share of the me “err “4 of the third, a ge mg took not the of the text be then to be considered; that’s villanous, and shows a most pitiful hypocrisy in the snob that uses it. Go, keep you steady. [Ereunt Parsons. PUFFS FOR THE POLICE. Ix humble emulation of his brethren of the penny-a-line profession, the latter have done the very least in the world to deserve such laudation, Mr., Punch has resolved to open his columns from time to time to the | reception of paragraphs in glorification of The Force. By way of a beginning, he is happy to record his testimony to the skill, coolness, | and energy of Inspector O’PaqueE (of the Digamma Division), as dis- | played under the following trying circumstances. A gentleman of the name of SmirH was walking up Holborn Hill on Saturday last, when he felt a tug at his coat, and the next moment perceived his handker- chief, a valuable cambric one, hemmed, for which he had given eleven- pence only last autumn, in the grasp of a diminutive pickpocket. He collared the boy, and INsPECTOR O’PaQuE at that moment coming up, the gentleman gave the thief in charge. The worthy Inspector, who combines some of the genius of the first Napronzon with no small slightest notice, but, at the right moment, and when the least delay would have enabled the watchful delinquent to escape, seized the latter by the neck. There were several persons about, and though many of them were of the lower class, and may possibly in their minds have entertained an intention of rescuing the criminal, the dauntless Inspector never quailed, but, calling to two constables behind him, delivered the lad into their charge, and walked on without another syllable. This is only one of a hundred instances in which the Vipocg-like tact of In- | sPecTor O’Paque has enabled him to arrest a most determined and | dangerous offender. ae |

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a . oe gal —— eer ar ZZ, WEGINALD WOBERTH, a / / PW WAL le ESSON. MARRIAGE.” 4 1) Wii L YOU HAD BETTER TAKE ORDERS—IN MAWIDGE NTH OF LAW, Vj

Nyy = f tel MEE = my PE TW LY, NAY | Ly Hpi we 4) emiinyy =n SSL, oH} OE Yj sy , hg Shy’ amor LY, ELAM Y) ee BN) | Vy Z LU ar thi Ys aay VY, Yf 7), V y WLM. f LN / / YY, y; Vp Vy) 404 / LHASA J, (sfY¥ YC / ‘-) Y PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Octoser 5, 1861. “I—AW—PUBL’SH BAN CLERICAL ELOCUTION Bishop Puncu. “ NOW, SIR, LET ME HEAR YOU PUBLISH BANNS OF

Bisnor. “STOP, SIR, STOP. THAT WILL NEVER DO FOR US. THE COMMERCIAL LINE.” Swett CANDIDATE FOR ORDERS. BATCHLA, AND——”

arenes esmerenersserenesrencesee=r=raa aaa | il —_—_e aad . £28 Ad nn dd ats > bee, oncddadedc es rares -,odget 40 Som chee oHoOonodyrd

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Ocropzr 5, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

TERRIFIC EXPLOSION AT THE BROMPTON BOILERS. By our Own Penuy-a-Liner. BOUT i o’clock, on Friday last, t ms in the Me yet Boilers were alarmed by the sound of a terrific explosion. Hasten- ing to the spot, we were for- tunate mage oh to procure the following , which may be relied roan It ap- pears that Mz. Perer Meex- BuRY, a highly respectable resident at Islington, had | t been visiting the Boilers in company with Mrs. Mrrx- BURY, and in coming out had been incautious enough to let drop a hint that the lady t as — pe Islington by an omnibus instead of of a cab. Mrs. MEEKBURY, who is of a highly inflammable character, took fire, and instantly blew and indeed continued blowing up Mr. Meexzvry with considerable = was thou, = Bn Rime that he pong been knocked into middle of aoa wi alarm proved to be unfounded, and eis assistance at hand in the 7 ie of a mother-in-law, who hurned up with a a of her own hiring, and for ng she nobly sdianel abe would die sooner than allow a Brute to pay, Mrs, Mrrx- out with no other loss than that of a temper byes she rd to sccudent, however, should be a to to buahands net to anything likely to cause an explosion, ‘and Mr. Mexzxsury’s nerves have been so ed that, by the advice of a (xoung) medical friend, he has gone out of town without ovine his v0 ‘middle Duns was

OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. Ras, ~~ om gwell, who is a story of a w see a play at Sadler’s Wells, exclaimed ‘ _ that ?—aw— un lee wey damit it spose » one’s on the advised to and w’s Wells, wheaw’s that one will have to ible from Street for an tompenag and I know moreove that whenever I have pan oun 5 h my evening’s en 8 en there very + Parypacs oo and wh: ro. Eve: time I come av AS 2 an a t resting be t somehow this inten WAYS OES p in. the a Notwithstanding all — aad LEY variety, I we Londoners are sadly apt to get into a ve, and not to wens a ge go memory Eig D.. there is who to save a couple of mimates when he was late for office used to take = he conceived was a short cut through a court; an now his time his qm, and he haw Bit work. to coonzy i be inles Seamiciod cut by force of reine tha is 1s a pegtop on his oe 5 Soent e oS as @ reminder legs are not so agile as were, nor his “The Second part rt of Sos Tie. 8 King Henry the Fourth was the <a I went to see on ie nebaaine excursion. ay = played for a few at the same house some quem poate sinee, but. E believe with that exception it has not been seen in London for well nigh half a cen- " we Se phew So seems actable eno and one ict which pronounced it tobe y readable. prodeminete the t | the first four acts, and are full t humour both in action and in speech ; while the seene in the fifth act with the old King and his sons is replete with touching p: snd nobly written Yes, end hes the stirring ineident of the s of the crown. I think few more telli have been seen upon the with his dying father; who embraces, and retires to with his son, and both sus- have page g they had to a glad an pcg in erendere the comic Mr. Puexes thus gave us a good ni eet wiih ah ie Lnekne I wi OW. eee oftener I’m sure I cannot — —_ 2 am not a swell myself, and I know that Sadler’s Wells is aceess-|: Regent d or in front of The

—_ of his quick versatility, for two characters more opposite than the 4 ussy fatuous justice and the calm majestic sufferer it were difficult to conceive. The trembling nervous hands and feeble hesitating voice, seemed fit signs of his se wd ges and while he prattled on with garrulous. gomplacence of the freaks of his = yout one felt how many Shallows are extant in Society, w fon Gey are of bori - with the wild deeds which, by Jove, Sir, ‘they did when they were “To me a pots chats is tiliatene ae * have seen at Sadler’s Wells is, that log en always evenly well cast. There a ee the system of hirmg Satins Ge © stand ‘about the s icular ‘ Star,’ i “ni use. On the Bors on the

pan the e cule of some b liancy is age minor pa s are carefully genenad effect. Sir Joha aya = the es reall tin. B knight wit more Quickly much as one could ere SPEARE without forming te one’s and Mr. Szyton raved and ranted better taste than Antient Pistel “ The spirit of SHAKSPRARE and when it comes to town a — pe Wells. If ghosts ys are in mind, it would do the note how SHAKSPEARE’S that audience, and reverently it listens to each one of Suanswnana’s words. * Attention ! ’ is the order until the curtain drops, and not a sneeze or snuffle grates upon the ear, indeed (except when moved to laughter or applause) the house is all so silent you might hear a playbill drop. A good this I think that plays still are cared cared foun if if they oe enh evenly, and mounted not with gorgeous splendiahe bat ait simple poe a pod | taste. “One wo Pars.”

M‘CLELLAN’S WAR SONG. Amone recent news from America is a of a “maiden speech ” delivered by GenzRat M‘CieLian to the Pennsylvanian troops. This oration may be said to: have been both witty and poetical. It was remarkable for brevit i. soul of wit;” and that its form was, in chief part, a least, that of try, the perusal of it will convince any — who has a reasonable ear for versification. It commenced with :-— ** Soldiers!” to which single word of simple prose succeeded the following lines :— “* We have had our last We have seen our last defeat, You stand by me and I will stand by you.” Here the “’.» of Gzxwrat M‘Creuzan seems to have inspired him to relinquish Een and to conclude his exhortation in verse , pore hy) joe. within a thus .— ** And henceforth victory will crown our efforts.” Gewerat M‘CreLtan seems to be a regular “ the “minstrel-boy ” who “tothe war hedeaea™ exept ta to have no ha , Whether “ wild” or fat slung eit! wildness of his measure agit what analo us’to that of the musical instrument with which the juvenile Iris t and hero went into action. The antipathy to slavery displayed by that youthful patriot poe Ps turn out to constitute o— point of resemblance between him and the American General ; haps, when his conquering army shall have planted the. fag of of Preedorn upon Southern soil, celebrate the euestipetion of his sable fellow-citizens by singing its triumphant ement in a negro melody, accompanying elf on the banjo. bing! oy og like

A Shrewd Guess. A Cirver Yankee alluding ito the well-known line, “the glass o fashion and the mould of form,” makes a “guess” that the question must have been the Lady who wrote a celebrated cookery-book under that name. The “mould” ey explaims by saying it must mean an ice, or jell . or or any other kind of “mould” vont Hie of wi SE ae vy bad agai very clever fellow Swaxspnane was. Not only did he know pi beso 5 went him, and a great deal — but he could also anticipate coming events !

A SIGHT AT THE SEA-SIDE. Tue Rev. Mz. Srurrers walking on the beach, and preaching to

the waves with pebbles in his mouth @ Ja DemosTHENES.

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PUNCH. OR THE TONDON CHARIVARIT. [Octoper 5, 1861. BLOOD WILL CARRY ANYTHING—AT LEAST sO Miss FEATHERWEIGHT THINKS! NEWSPAPER DISTRESS MEETING. THE present unexampled failure of the News Crops is producing a most disastrous effect upon the journals, and unless something shortly happens, we do not go too far in saying that they will be reduced to the extremity of coming out with nothing but instructive and irreproach- able matter in them. The oldest sub-editor has never known such a dearth, and there has been a strong feeling in the newspaper offices that some as should be taken to meet the crisis. A preliminary meeting of sub-editors has indeed been held upon the subject; and though Mr. Punch is never in any danger of suffering in the way in which his contemporaries are afflicted, his warm and brotherly regard for them induces to give publicity to the proceedings, in order that the public may know how exceedingly hard is the task to supply it just now with the exci adi which it requires. The gathering was held in the reporters’ room in the office of the Morning Flambeau. The Meeting sat about, where it could, and the veteran Mr. SHEARS was unanimously called to the chair. He laugh- ingly responded that the Meeting might be hanged, and sat upon his big table, swinging his legs in the most affable manner, and intimating that if anybody wanted to s he might do so without any charge; meantime, he himself would have some pale ale. Mr. Cirrer said they all knew too much about meetings to go into any gammon of that kind; but if any gentleman would be obligin enough to tell him how to make up a paper, he would willingly stand that gentleman any refreshment he liked to put a name to, up to the amount of fourpence. Did they realise the fact that this last week the had actually printed the speeches at five agricultural dinners? (Sensation.) Mr. S1asu said that it was too true, and would add, iti further proof of their condition, that he had that morning given out a report of an address by Mr. Spurczon about the Gorilla. Mr. Curren said that that was not so bad, and he would be glad of a pull of it for his own paper. n. StasH said of course he should have it. But what was to be done? Last week he had ipest hopes, for a fellow came in with a grave statement that Buonpr had had a tumble, and was done for; and he d y given out BionpIn’s memoir, and written to a leader- writer, requesting a column of spicy remarks upon the barbarity of such exhibitions ; but it was a sell, a vulgar sell, now running about. You say to a fellow, “Bionpiy’s killed,” and when he has done being astonished, you say, “Yes, he’s skilled on the rope.” (Indignation.) _ Mr. Wary said that they had tried to do him in the same unprin- cipled manner ; but he had turned their roy into a ph, stated _ the rumour, and added a contradiction. (“Of poted But this was small game. They really ought to have something on a large scale. He was not going to bind himself or others by what he was going to say, but suppose that a man could be found who for a certain con- idavation would blow up Tilbury Fort, did those present think that those whom they represented would help to make up a purse ? Mr. Scorer said that that was talking business. Would the explosion demolish Gravesend ? R. Wary said it would smash Gravesend to pieces. tained the quantity of powder. e Mr. SiasH saw no objection, and the money would be no object ; but he thought that they would rather be playing into the hands of the illustrated papers than into their own. Views of the explosion, views of Gravesend in ruins, the air full of shrimps and excisemen, and all that, would make the fortune of the picture-fellows ; but he thought that the dailies would get little out of it. However, it was worth thinking over. Meantime he would suggest the consideration whether some plot, or large conspiracy, or dre: attempt of some kind, could not be bought as cheaply, and the details be all grist to the mill. Mr. Cissors took the same view. But it must be something large. What did they say to getting up an Austrian plot to carry off Lorp Joun RussELL? Mr. Scorer thought a French plot would be better, as the letters would be more easy to translate. But he feared that this would create no great interest. There were thousands of people who thought Lorp RussExt was the same as the Special pany oy in America, and the women didn’t care about him, and it should be aregular sensation business for hem. Could an American vessel in Liverpool—a Southern vessel—make a dash at a school, and carry all the children away to be sold for slaves—that would: rouse the mothers a bit, yr ota | if three or four young ones were dropped into the Mersey in their night- gowns. (Applause. ? ‘ Mr. Wary said that he should, unluckily, have to discredit that, because his paper went in for the South. Could a fellow be got to advertise that on a given day he would jump off the top of St. Paul’s. Mr. Cissors. But he must do it. Skee Mr. Wary. Of course he must do it—I am supposing him to be a man of character and honour, to be deucedly well paid, too. Mr. Scorer said that there was business there. The man mast write to the Dean and Chapter for leave—they would take no notice, and there was an opening for a severe article on haughty hierarchical corporations—then there would be betting as to whether the whole thing was a sell—he must hide himself in the vaults—hear the service for the last time—come up too soon and frighten an intelligent verger into a fit—all good, and a biography of the verger must be had. Seen on the top gallery, at early dawn, waving a black flag—horror of the metropolis—Dean and Chapter awake at last, and send a policeman— but the door nailed up, and no getting at him. Frantic Volunteers at Dax1n’s offer to shoot him to prevent frightful spectacle, and send off to Sm Gzorcs Grey for leave. The fellow dances, and reads out of a book, which he throws down—vigilant Serjeant X 1999 gets it—only a Whole Duty of Man, but we’|l reprint it, as part of the story. Disappears, and the metropolis is indignant—by the way, this might be done for two or three days, if he takes up sandwiches and a flask of brandy, but on the third day, while the big clock strikes twelve——Come, there’s plenty of graphic business there. Mx. Cissors. But he must do it. : Mr. Scorer. Don’t [keep saying so? And then there’ll be the inquest, and a thousand letters urging that St. Paul’s should be taken down, or wired over, or something, and it may be the question whether we should not advise the indictment of the Dean and Chapter as accessories—it seems to me that there is good stuff there,—if you can find the man, Mr. Cissors. But he must do it. Mr. Wary. Certainly he must. Well, that’s a suggestion, and if the meeting sees anything in it, I may say that there “ll be no difficulty with us. Anybody else anything to propose ? Mr. PRunER supposed it would be no good setting fire to Bucking- ham Palace. Mr. Stasu thought not—there had been so many fires lately. Mr. ScorER wondered whether anything could be done in the way of a gas explosion. ; Mr. Wary said that the hiv was so abominably bad now-a-days that nobody would believe it could go off. Mr. Syiprer said that poison stories always told—he was for some- thing in that way. Would anybody put ipecacuanha into all the drink- ing fountains ? k. Cissors had a good mind to prophesy an earthquake. He would get strong letters from scientific men, who’ll say anything, if you can only ask them to contradict other scientific men, and one could work away on the theme until nobody could sleep in their beds. This saqqestion was loudly _—— and the Meeting resolved, first, that Mr. Cissors was a brick ; secondly, that the subject should be taken up and worked ; thirdly, that they would have pale ale ; and fourthly, that the Chairman should pay for it. So, unless something better turns up, the public may shortly expect to hear that strange underground noises, accountable for on no ordinary solution, have been heard in Devonshire and Norfolk, and that intense heat is observable in He had ascer- the Midland mines. It’s coming!

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le in | bearing, remar! Ocropsr 5, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. GREEN GO THE LASSES, O! PTEN have we heard of countless accidents by Crinoline, but Crino- line is not the only cause of danger in a lady’s dress. At least a correspondent who writes to a contem- orary, and appends is name wit the affix of “‘M.D.,” gives some rather startling reasons for believing so. After stating that the fashionable mauve tint, and a, “will not st: the test of artificial light,” he proceeds next to remark that— have “Beware or Porson!” embroidered in red letters right across their backs. enever for the future we go into a ball-room, we shall look on each green er | as a new Lucrezia Borgia, who would subtly be the deat. of us if we joined her im the * Nor are -dresses less hurtful than those which clothe the body ; for, proceeds M.D.— “‘We are oecasionally ting ttacked with erysipelat symptoms, indigestion, cough—now distinctly traceable to head- dresses contai green arsenical artificial flowers. A careful chemical analysis of one of these wreaths gives exactly as much arsenic as would kill 36 men, and a fair tarlatane dress would kill 1,500! Long experience has taught us that it is quite useless to preach against the fashions, for ladies have deaf ears for all complaints upon. the subject; and no matter how dangerous or how ugly are their dresses, so long as they are fashionable, ladies will persist in wearing them. So our nl f maki this poi x cay canes of making Som aie we ia teecanne | “ The only colour, per- haps, which remains fixed under all kinds of | light is what is known as | * SCHEELE’S * This | colour, which is pleas- ingly bright im the day, is made of arsenic, and | preserves its freshness | and beauty under all) trials of artifieial light. ilias Now, Paterfam praneliy knows, if he j > ooks into his wife’s ac- | count with her milliner, there is a new t stuff called tarlatane, which has recently come | very much into » A ney rae ion, with a good green tarlatane dress, is surrounded j jp Be oquame foot tarlatane; this 92 square feet of tarlatane contains, as a chemical fact, | | about 13 ounees of arsenie! Faney a bevy of a dozen or two of such young ladies ‘in verdure clad’ of this and.that at every crush of their dress, every toss of it in a quadrille, this arsenic is given in mous dust, and that this dust is the fruitful source of headache, red- ness of skin, inflamma’ of the stomach, consumptive cough, &c.” With this knowledge in his mind, we think a man would be as green as the dress of his fair pavtner, if he either waltzed or polked with a lady in ScHEELE’s green. In fact, girls in these green dresses ought to be marked “Dancerovus!” or to and recommending gentle to themselves aloo from any girl they meet with ts a dress or wreath When thus they find themselves i, if not absolutely shunned, ladies will of course seb wits to work to | ascertain the cause; and net the t they | may feel in bei in a jour, we | will wager the delight of and waltzed | | with will quickly prove the Off will go the | green, and on will come Av@us?ua, and the only “redness — of skin” which will be shawn young lady will be | the blush upon her cheek wliew popped. Important Notice, Ir is wished by the Government that the whole of the ugly old oopyer coi should now be withdrawn from circulation. Mr. Punch, ever anxious to assist the adminis- tration of the country, hereby announces that he has taken | up the iron cover of ‘the hole in the pavement over his coal cellar, and any person is at perfect liberty to shoot down any amount of the said comage, and to walk away without any question being asked. 1% Fr AMBITION AMONG THE ALDERMEN. Tue question “Who is to be Lord Mayor?” appears this year | to have created extraordinary excitement in the City. ‘There seems to { have prevailed a supposition that the Monareh of the Mansion House, | line. An announcement a by. 4 would stand a good chance of being made a/|testants, who may feel a “vocation” for a conventual d a barren | to address themselves to a certain Brother Ignatius. They are warned, | whoever he might baronet, and t = sremnent of getting what may be calle honour, oceasion which the chiv of Guildhall has been lately engaged, ent of the City an abstract Lord Mayor :— o Brother I lany “The Lorp Mayor must be a man of dignity, wealth, and intelligence—of | 20Y one who graceful manners and great discretion.” | these days! and our Civic contemporary adds :— “He must, in fact, be, according to the Hibernian description, every inch of him.’” was put by SHaksPEaRE into the mouth of Lear, after O’ Leary. But what has SHaxspeakreE to do with the dignity of Lord Mayor ? | Why, when he has occasion to deal with it, as in Richard II/. he | exhibits it in a light quite the reverse of that wherein it is represented | in the City Press. SuaxsrEarn’s Lord Mayor has the deportment of a civil old beadle: his manners are ludicrous, his intelligence is that of | 'a goose. The only discretion he shows is such as what appears in the better part of valour. How different this picture of the Lord Mayor | is from that which is delineated in the City Press, and from the reality | which, at least in modern times, has ever been conspicuously manifest at the Mansion House, and w: most signal characteristics have always been universally acknowledged to be, a singularly dignified | ble intelligence, peculiarly graceful manners, and the | Wuat is nicest discretion. Toi Que Je n’Aime pas. than 23,000 Av Aurrep Mz.ton’s Concert on Friday, during the performance of a selection from Robert le Diable, our friend Young Rarip observed, looking at the bill, “Ah! that cores exactly represents the history of ew.” } just my case. Le Vin. Les Belles. a an unusual competition for the Lord Mayoralty | however, that they will amidst the aldermanic body. Commenting on this generous rivalry in | Poverty, and Celibacy. he d, a Correspond- interfere with the domgs of ’ : ress, in the subjoined passage, asserts a high ilea of | ay approves it in the case of anybody who may think of applying | y Mr. Punch would sooner marry her himse the bride of such a Nass, ‘a gentleman | only one of the ingenious gentlemen who have a neat way of. postage stamps without applying to the vendors thereof, in which case as O’Lxeary said; whence the self-assertion, “ Every inch a king!” | We heartily wish him all suecess—monks of 1861 are fair game. has had enough of him by this time. She so long as he remains with her. had better rid her house of him. The ba quite enough of an excuse for getting rid of him. We think the Boot of Italy could not well be put to any better use than in kicking out his Holiness Pore Pivs. photographie process. } over his stupid prejudices against the French, upon being told of the above fact, exclaimed in a tone of the greatest triumph, “ like ’em! I always said those French fellows were the cleyerest chaps in the world for making faces.” a3 NEW MONKS WANTED. Monks and monkery are at such a premium now that it seems members of the English Church are desirous to go into the monastic pears by which young men, English Pro- | life, are invited | have to promise > , Obedience, | Mr. Punch no particular “ vocation ” to idiots, but as regards the third vow, he . Fancy a sensible girl ever being asked in ‘iad been helpless enough to prattle of a monastic life in | At the risk of bigamy, trigamy, e¢ omne quod ewit in igamy, | than allow her to become erhaps Brother Igpetine is | But, after all, ] getting A Kick in the Right Direction. Italy to do with his old Holiness the Porn? Snrely she | will have no peace and quiet | Now that quarter day has come, she | The bad company he keeps is ciearly THE NATION THAT TURNS OUT MOST NEGATIVES. | By the recent Census we are informed that in Paris there are no less persons who get their living from Photography and the An old fogey, who has never been able to get Egad, it’s

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Octoser 5, 1861. \ Mm 4 ~ A |: \V of 3 i \\ Wii"! & \y 1] \\ A\ SS M i \\Y WH Wy TO eens Sy | jen I N i nh ) = fy } ~ | | . } } | Stern Parent. “00 Fat for a Page, you think, Sir? Um! You see, Hil Hii] 1} {i} HT Wl? Ml > \\ \ \, YN | \ ACCOMMODATING! Sir, if so be you could wait a week or so, we could redooce him wery easy.” A GOOD SORT OF FELLOW. “Dear Mr. Puncn, “Me and Lucy Lockit, who is staying on a visit with me (bygones being quite hygones) read this in a newspaper on Thursday ast, and cannot help, both of us can’t, sending it to you. ; “A fellow calling himself Macuzatn was before Mr. Come for some paltry crimes :— “ Mr. Compe told him he was a disgrace to the name he had selected. Captain Macheath was a celebrated highwayman, but he always paid his tavern bills. He was a good sort of a fellow, and did not go sneaking about bilking hotel-keepers and stealing boots. As a caution to him for the future, he should sentence him to three months’ hard labour at Wandsworth.” | “ Zuey and me wish to sinnify to this worthy Magistrate that we quite agree with him, and that the way he spoke up for the Captain did credit to his head and heart. Macheath has his frailties, as which of us has not, but what ’s that when your heart ’s in the right place ? High- | way robbery, bigamy, subordination, (we think it’s called) of perjury, traiming gangs of thieves, and all that, is very wrong, no doubt, but we quite agree with Mr. Compe that ‘one may do all that;and"more, and yet be ‘a ym: sort of fellow.’ So in Zwcy’s name and’mine we | are above all low jealousies now), we thank Mr. Comae}§and will thauk ou, Mr. Punch, to tell him so. ‘The Captain is out’on’a little business, ing now on the Stock Exchange, or would join us in cémpliments. ‘Yours, very affectionately, ._ “ Belgravia.” “Potty Macneats (uée PEACHAM).”’ S=S = 7) a Military Journals aré Requested to Gopy this Gontradiction. Wz are authorised by an intimate friend and sincete, admirer of the Ear. or Carpican’ i i | “UNDER WHICH MAYOR, BEZONIAN ; SPEAK OR DIE?” |. Wrrrre slightly before the event of the struggle for the Mayoralty in the Exhibition year, but wishing to stand excessively well with the Lorp Mayor for that year, Mr. Punch begs to state, and he finds that | he is but repeating the sentiments of most of his contemporaries, that | while he cannot conceive how there can be the slightest doubt as to the | propriety of re-electing Cusirt, who is &c., &., &c., he is utterly |} at a loss to perceive a single valid argument for not electing Sir H. } Muccerines, who is &. &. &. P.S. Since writing the above, he observes that _ _ has} | been chosen. Of course. It would have been an insult to the City to | have done otherwise. He heartily and cordially rejoices. P.P.S. The blank shall be filled up when he really knows the faet. ABOLITION OF THE PAPER DUTY. NOTICE. In consequence of the Abolition of the Paper Duty, MR, PUNCH Hereby gives Notice that he will REDUCE Any person who offends him to as much impalpable powder as will lie upon ONE FARTHING, And relieve his friends of one bore FOR, THE FUTURE. pth +8 be ) Taaslabsp. : = ane: a A ra 2 e: most tive iction to the T \of “the Federal‘ forces noble Lordship caghot imagine why 's of £ . 4 Gite . ¢ 7 's Road Wi Regent's :P. in the Parish of St. Rb artist Se. 15, Qefonte Bond Wat. Res Ne: ds, Piele Street, in the Pariah of St the isin the

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_ res - | 1) a ———— = Ss = = VW Hn AE AN | —— Ocroser 12, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Op Gent. “ Do you know what a Lie is, Sir?” Lirtte Boy. “ Oh, don’t I, jest ; I tells lots of em.” SPIRITUAL BOXIANA. Wiru serious interest we see advertised a— N EW RELIGIOUS PUBLICATION, 2d. Monthly.—No. 1, for October, 82 pages, in Illustrated Wra; , the CHRISTIAN’S BREAD-BASKET, a magazine for family . The Bread-Basket of a Christian—our contemporary Bell's Life will correct us if we are wrong—is, in the fistic | tongue, that part of him, ladies, in anatomical language, named the epigastrium, or pit of the stomach. The Christian’s Bread-Basket is indicated by its truly fanciful | title to be an organ of muscular Christianity as cultivated | by Professors of Evangelical | per eg and the Noble Art of Self-Defence. This idea of that new religious publication will appear to be confirmed by the designation of one of | the articles in the table of its contents as, “Your Babe, How Will You Train It?” We look for future announce- ments of edifying papers under simi eads, as “The | Good Fight,” “‘ Grist to the Mill,” “The Judicious Bottle- | holder,” “ The Faithful Second,” ‘‘ Time!” “Believers | Up to the Scratch,” “Are You All Right?” and so forth. | The iitle of any successful periodical is sure to be imi- | tated; therefore, if the Christian’s Bread-Basket should be found to answer, its ap ce uo doubt will soon be } followed by that of the Christian’ s —- The proprietors of that evidently pious and as evidently ugilistic periodical so happily named the Christian’s vread-Basket, should send a liberal lot of copies of it to Mr. Tuomas Sayers, in order that the ex-Champion, as a Teacher, may distribute them among his juvenile di ciples. The Christian’s Bread-Basket may be conjectured to contain the sort of spiritual grub that is just the thing to suit the digestion of ~ serious youth who may be engaged in profiting by Mr. SayErs’s lessons ; pertioalenty with a view to the prize of his peculiar calling. “Le Commencement de la Faim.” THE appearance of Mons. Durty _as a Protectionist is certainly very curious. Free e in was a question of cheap bread, and Protection was ultimately compelled to yield to it. In spite of all the — it may be the same with Protection in France, if the lower & Du-P(a)in.” classes once began in anger to raise the cry of A NATIONAL DEFENDER. “*T say, Punch, old chap, I wish you’d just pitch into that ‘G. U., who has writing to the Times, and saying that we English don’t know how to dress, and that when we go abroad we wear our seediest clothes, and walk about in rusty wideawakes and unpolished boots. What if we do, I’d like to know? Just as if a freeborn Briton hadn’t a clear right to dress exactly as he pleased, and do precisely what he got pe cena he might be. So long as I can pay my shot, I reckon I shall always be welcome on the Continent ; and as for Frenchmen turning up their noses at my ‘blackguardly’ appearance, as ‘G. U.’ says they do, I can only say that I should like to catch them at it, but I never did so yet, and don’t expect todo. They are precious glad to see me, in whatever togs I come to them; and though Behind my back, maybe, they call me ‘one grand beast,’ they are always vastly civil to my face, and take good care not to laugh at me while I’m wit hearing. “Tf this ‘G. U.’ be believed, our barristers and doctors, and octane chaps, and merchant princes annually Bi) -o themselves as_cab- drivers and ’bus cads, and disgust their swell French friends by w with them without gloves and staring at shop-windows like a lot o country bumpkins, and deporting themselves Fe cary less like edu- cated gentlemen than uncivilised Gorillas. ‘ ulgar-looking objects,’ *G. U.” has the cheek to call us, and says that at the theatres our ¢ of decency’ is really still more glaring than in the public streets. And then, by way of contrast, he tells us that when French- men come to London, there is nothing vulgar or shabby in their appearance, and they pay us the oy Hy of ‘ dressing even better than they do at home.’ ell, judging by the specimens I’ve seen near Leicester Square, there must be precious scarecrows somewhere about Paris, if worse clothes are there in wearing than those which we see ere, . “The fact is, Mr. Punch, I believe that Mister ‘G. U.’s’ real name is Jehu; and as, I think, he drives a cab, he has a fondness for all foreigners, for they know nothing about distances, and are generally at half-a-crown a mile. So he gives them this soft soap in the of tempting more of them to London, where he will no doubt be always glad to see them, and take them to as many rights and places as he can. But as for foreign-going Britons being biassed by his blarney, pray don’t let him lay that flattering unction to his soul. When on a tour an Englishman always does his best to make himself at home, and to enjoy himself as much as it is possible todo. There is no mistaking his ins deportment ; and, though some may think it insolent, that’s a matter of opinion, and Jonn But on a tour don’t care a jot what people think of him. Some perhaps may stare to see him stalk along in the middle of the streets, and stare up at the houses as though they all belonged to him, and he were come over to inspect his property. Others again may wonder at his walking about a church while service is proceeding, and looking at the pictures as Soe they were a show, and uttering his comments in audible stage w rs, much to the annoyance of those who are at prayers. But all these little eccentricities foreigners forgive us. use we have long purses and don’t mind dipping into them. And so long as they are please and proud to see us, I don’t see why a ‘G. U.’ needs to crack his whip at us; and if it comes to talking of ‘ vulgar-looking objects,’ why Tine are ever so much handsomer than foreigners, and as for English women, bless them! Where be ap the Continent can we look upon their like? ‘This I’ll say and stick to, in spite of all the ‘G. U.s’ and Jehus in creation; as sure as my name (p’ heard it ?) is rhaps you may have “ Joun Smiru.” The Costume of Travelling Englishmen. Poor Joun Butt musin’t be blamed, or ridiculed, if he does look a little shabby and eccentric on the Boulevards and elsewhere, as it is very well known that an Englishman always puts on his bad habits the moment he goes abroad. NOT THE SLIGHTEST MATERIAL FOR “A LEADER.” Way is the Kine or Napuzs like a leading-article writer at this particular period of the year ? j Bega bo must feel fimoelf dreadfully at a loss for subjects. VOL, XII, Q

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Ocrosmr 12, 1861. “TOO TRUE!” In the above disgraceful garb (actually Light Tweed, Mauve Flannel Shirt, No Waist- coat, and « White Billycock Hat !) G. U. meets his Friend Jack Loostring walking on @ blazing summer day in the Boulevards, Paris.—Can we wonder that he discards Jack there and for ever, and relieves lis angwish of mind in @ Letter to the “ Times” ? FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE. We doubt if the following is likely to be found, under the head of “ Fashionable Intelligence,” in the Morning Post :—*On Thursday last, Frances Anne, Dowager Marchioness of Londonderry, gave her annual diner cham- pétre att Camlough, in Ireland. Invitations were sent out to the number of 300, and full as many must have attended. Weare sorry we can give none of the gentlemen’s names, as they were mostly colliers, and all of them, moreover, wene her Ladyship’s tenants, and as such we doubt if they ‘would be interesting, much less known to any of our fair ‘ ws. They were mostly distinguished by extreme |plaimness of attire; whilst a plentiful absence of gloves as welll as jewellery, only relieved occasionally by a gaudy | waistcoat, in the very worst taste, generally prevailed. We must admit, however, that clean shixts, predominated, and ‘from: the brightness of their happy faces, no one would | have suspected what was their ele calling. The company sat down to table at the primitive hour ef two o’clock ; but im spite of that, every one seemed te make a capital dinner. The repast was plain and substantial, and what it may have wanted in quality, was certainly made up in quantity. However, as it was of a nature thet Mm Gunter would not have prided himself in having sent eat, we must be / pardoned laying before our readers: the: particulars of the jearte. As soon as dinner was over—we were going to say, as soon as the table-cloth was remewed, enly there was no ‘table-cloth used on the occasion—Ber Ladyship delivered a speech, so very different, to ing we are in the habit of printing, that we are suze we excused occupy- ling our columns with a word of it. It, was euriously free ‘from compliments, or any elegant ‘ouraure of well-bred persiflage, or any of those = worded -room fadaises, that mean nothing, and yet. are so acceptable [to the edueated ear. On the contrary, it was enly to be commended for its gentle wisdom unaffected tone of kindly admonition and eamest tion. However, it | seemed to go to the hearts of the guests, who gave. vent to | their excited feelings by cheering, of course, in the noisiest manner possible. As soon as.they were tired of eating and drinking, the company went home in their respective carts and wheelbarrows. The only beverage handed was beer.” | The above may appear a highly improper entertainment | for a lady in the aacuxone or LonDONDERRY’s station of life to lend herself to, but we confess if the “ Fashionable Intelligence ” of our fastidious contemporary were oftener filled with such reports, we should take much greater pleasure in reading them, REGIMENTAL ASSASSINS. Iv is a most lamentable necessity in the nature of things that armies must be in considerable part composed of men of moral worth and intel- ery What a pity it is that brains which are capable of reason, and a heart animated with human feeling, should be under the obligation of | becoming liable to be blown out and torn to pieces by creatures who are | beasts im every respect but that of possessmg two weapons in them! War seems to be asort of work that should, by | right, constitute the severest kind of hard labour to which criminals could possibly be condemned. It is essentially a painful and disgusting | open, wherein nobody can deserve to be involved but the worst of felons. Military service, in short, ought to be servitude. The forees of a nation should consist of its rascalry and its ru . These considerations only enhance the regard which all who feel the force of | them must entertain for the heroes whom a sense of duty compels to | brave death, and even mutilation, in defence of their country. They are the confessors and martyrs of patriotism. There are, no doubt, numerous unconvicted British scoundrels who would he glad to fight for pay and plunder, and the gratification of their inuate ferocity ; and these take to fighting as a trade, engaging as volunteers in a quarrel which they have no business with. The Special Correspondent of the 7émes, in a letter from Washington, makes the following allusion to villains of this description :— “They must know, also, that they act in opposition to the QuzEN’s proclamation in accepting service on either side. There are, however, a number of English sub- jects engaged as officers on both sides, and the Irish may be counted by myriads (in its proper sense) in both armies.” if the tight many years a “ dashing “dash” in in a. crack o If we co and having | pelled to th avity has In any rational view these English and Irish bravos militant, whether 2 on the Federal or Confederate side, deserve to be hi as much as anybody can. kill for hire or for amusement, and if such killing is not murder, what is? It differs only from commom murder in being much more deliberate. If all of these blackguards who may be taken above “ de-ci | prisoners ave. gibbeted, they will be the In battle, a man’s lower jaw is sometimes shot away without him, and, thus hideously maimed, he drags.on a ghastly existence for Irish mercenary, occupied in the commission of wilful m of either the North or the South, who will pity him? A “ materials as the fellows who are now murdi another under the Stars and Stripes and the P | how happy we should be! We should not be then as we are now, com- Tue Manchester folks are bu threatened with a cider famine. “‘ That the Manchester calico-dyers and printers bave discovered tha‘ supply a desideratum long wanted in making fast colours for their prim This is not the first time in the history of the world that the apple has been the: fruit. of mischief or di hat Juices are good for something more than what is aragraph ; for do they not in warm weather su a a a in quenching a pedestrian’s thirst? Smce they are to be used for the future only for printi their taste and quality principally displa; men in the right places, for the neck of — ing via noose of a halter is the night English or er on behalf t lad,” ” and of misery. Should this accident. happen to boy,” exercising his venal or gratuitous “gall: unwarranted bloodshed, would meet with a merited rebuke f the chops which would leave him permanently chop-fallen. uld but safely constitute the British army out of such ing the Americans and one etto Flag respectively, row away valuable lives in resisting the sion of any gres surrounding savages who may be hounded upon wate the hope of plunder on the lust of glory. THE FALL OF THE APPLE. ying up all the apples, so that we are t seems— t apple juices tod cottons.” discord, or that a question of momentous turned upon its fall, However, we are very sorry, for apple is drily stated in the , also, a we , We sw ~Napples ! in Gros.

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— Ocroser 12, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. * 146 A NEW COURT CIRCULAR WANFED. ESPECTED PuncH, “T Wisk to call your notice to a literary want which I think it is your duty as a loyal British sub- | ject, and one having un- doubtedly great influence at Court, to attend to with- out loss of time and supplied. The meagre tails which are furnished of the movements of our Sovereren by that bald _ and Sepceeing ublica- = tion, the ircular, = should ieee be expanded - by some competent histo- - Tian, for the interest and > pretend to think — although the Soe may | her chronicle the movements of] Her Masesty when she appears im public state, i has no right to inquire into her doings when in private, any more than into those of any other Pome lady in the land. “Some indeed affect to view it as the hei of snobbism if one betrays a wish to know how Roy ak oo itself in its leisure moments, and whether it eats and drinks like hu ul, and walks and la the usual haman way. But I - ro tf pee talks in and loyal; and I am or her wg cm karvering to any -Pryism,” or hints about one’s inating royal all their movements, as though they were some newly-dis- and snarls about a persons, and w: n covered species of “ Now, hungry as I am for every ay seep I ick up about the movements of the Court, only only see with. what scant diet the Court lar would starve me :— “ The QuEEN and Prince Consort, accompanied by Princess ALICE and Prince Louis of Hesse» went out driving yesterday afternoon, and walked home through the Balmoral woods. “« Prrxcess Lovise rode out attended by Lapy CHURCHILL. ** Prince ARTHUR and Prince LEOPOLD, attended by BAaRoN WESTERWELLER and Masor ELpHin- STONE, drove to “ There was no addition to the Royal dinner-party.” “What bald and meagre details! How utterly unsatisfying to one who like myself would wish to know so much more than is here recorded. Not one word is said as to how Hex Masesry and family were dressed, and whether they looked well and seemed in tolerable spirits. Yet to loyal subjects surely such particulars | are interesting. Perhaps it were unreasonable to expect that a reporter should be | constantly at hand, to ana up the — bits of ie as eee. But I own I should immensely relish such a , and would subscribe to any paper | on would undertake to furnish it. How waht it would be to know the sweet | nothings that Pausce Lovis w modestly in the ear of his Princess, as sty al walked home’ together haved the leafy woods! Of course the Quexx | couple , epee ir leisure, and enjoy the opportunity of loitering as they Se neinenition Court Circular says not a word.on this point, and makes is atement in the most prosaic stupid manner, as though such a thing as love- quite unknown at Court. But any one with eyes can see quite clearly what hal and it is cruel to deny us the “eight of such full details as might have been suppli wa On another day my loyal curiosity is baulked by the bald bits of intelligence “Tre Prince Consort and Price Louis or Hesse went out deer-stalki 4 adios and Gentle- - Her Masesry’s dinner-party included a number of grand people and the men in Waiting.” “What did the Prince Consort kill? That is the first question that I palpi- tate to know. Was his Royal ess successful in his stalking, and when t got a , did he make a decent shot ? As our country is becoming now a land of ed riflemen, men, every one must feel an interest in the eee of the Prince, ym glad te know _ he is a sure marksman in a deer forest, and that a gerd we br be venison ina crack. Then again, as to the dinner. Was there an saying extraordinary in the ‘ Ladies and Gentlemen in Waiting’ being present? One would think the phrase ‘in Waiting’ meant that they attended upon Royalty at meal- et and a the duties which are usual to om, suc?» as changing plates and dishes bringing fresh clean knives and forks. But if this be so, why was their presence s ? and are we toi ae that when they’ are not mentioned, other waiters do their work, and they are having ‘a day out?’ all scraps and atoms of Court news, the following however is | think, the most disheartening. After a few meagre words anent the elder ro e- | Prince gr omy discreetly walked in front, and suffered the young | personazes, and how a recent morning had been wiled away y them, I find it said with brutal brevity that— “ The Royal Children took their usual out-door exercise.” “Ts not that, Sir, Grinning? How am I to know | what the Royal Children did that morning with their royal | selves? In common I dare say with millions of your loyal readers, I am most completely in the dark upon the point. | Carefully I have searched through two whole years of the | Court Circular, and can no scrap of statement as to ‘what this ‘usual out-door exercise’ may be. ‘The only | way indeed by which I can arg te at Ar dong guess upon the | matter is by loo eee at. cigar gr ag to — the ges of the Ro then assigning such a ‘es as seems lee army ble to = But whether the Pues Leorotp did really play at marbles on the morning I refer | |to, or whether he amused himself with castigation of a | whipping: top or the trundling of a hoop, is a — bing | I have, alas! no data to Nor can I dete ss wl - ~& eld om brother ARTHUR Ae Gentleman Waitins laying fly-the-garter with some Gentleman aiting, - a ving a game of hop-scotch, because he was in Scot- by leapt in * some fat noblemen to make a ag Sr cr a or two at cricket, or a running yo or a turn at prisoner’s base. The Paavcess | Pe attends the royal dinner-table now, and must there- | fore not be classed among the Royal Children, and the Parxcess Lovisa is in her fourteenth year, and so no doubt is too sedate for things so juvenile as skipping ropes. | But the little Paicess Brarrice is otibleee be ei !—in | her dollage, and I can Picture her quite prettily at her | out-door exercise ’ of walking out as nurse-maid with | | rs a 1 oe ~ res though whether dolly is of wood or beable tow eyes, black, or brown, and whether she eto wink hse aul organ, Tree tha I can do give a guess, dolls are now so various oes teat my guess, there is great reason to fear, would | prove a wrong one. * Such particulars as these the Court Circular should | furnish, to satisfy minds loyally ing like my own. | And now that a new newspaper is started every week, I trust if the Court Circular n enoots to do its work, a new one will be set up forthwith in opposition. Promising | my support to so promising a spec, “T remain, Sir, yours obediently, “A Lover or Smatt BEER.” “ Paul Pry Place, Tuesday.” | SPECIMEN OF AN AUSTRIAN TELEGRAM. | Onx morning last week an Austrian telegram announced | the Fact that, on board an English vessel, the Austrian | Government had seized Seventy Boxes, containing 3000 rifles, intended, of course to be used by ae tom who object to the paternal arrangements of the House of The same evening the Austrian am was ST htty corrected by an accurate eye of i eae, which was that One Box, containing some been placed on board an English vessel, by a th which was at once detected and rectified. We earnestly hope that at the International Exhibition, Austria will contribute to the Philoso Instrument department a s; n of the wonderf: tiplying. spectacles furnished to her officials. There mi be nothing else so miraculous nes Mr. Samvet WELLER should contribute his hypothetical ten million magnifying microscope of hextra power. Negroes in Africa and in Europe. “Tue Negro (says a writer in the Cornhill invents nothing, originates nothing, i py na nothing. e same can pretty nearly be said of the em" with this addition —that your Bourbon learns nothing. In fact, it may be said with justice, and we wish to offend no black —— with the comparison, that the Bourbons are the Negroes of Europe. BE JUST, IF YOU WON *? BE GENEROUS. Tr is not fair for us to laugh at the poor Yankees. If they have had their Bulls’ Run, pray haven’t we, also, every year our Cowes’ Regatta P

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OR THE al LN i THE LAST DAY AT THE SEA-SIDE.—PACKING UP. Maid (to Paterfumilias), “ Puzase, Siz, Missvs SAY YOU'RE TO COME IN, AND SIT ON THE BoxEs; BECAUSE WE CAN’? GET ’EM TO, AND THEY WANTS TO BE CORDED.” GLORIOUS TRIUMPH IN THE CITY!!! As Mr. Punch \ast week announced must inevitably be the case, the Livery has chosen Mr. Cusirt by a spent preponderating majority. As vA Punch oso remarked, it would have. been an insult to the City to doubt the result. As Mr. Punch further remarked, he congratulates the City on its noble conduct. There can be no kind of hesitation in affirming that not only is Cusirr the proper man—did we say man, we |} mean nobleman—for the office of Lonp Mayor during the year when foreigners from all parts will crowd our metropolis, and expect to behold in the person of our Chief Magistrate a compendium of all that in private is kind, and all that in public ennoblingly towers, for Mansion House banquets expressly designed, like the strength of the shaft with the capital ’s flowers. The veteran champion of the City’s rights ; the gallant politician who resigned the inglorious safety of Andover to fight the perilous battle of the Constitution against the fiends of revo- lution whose rage found vent in the frantic accents of the terrible Woop; the hero who, though defeated, quailed not, but instantly gave more dinners—here was the man—nobleman, we mean—for the City, and right proud and glad we are that the City knew.its man and chose him. May Cusirr, twice Consul, have a glorious and ijrospeross second reign, and when the bright sword of Royalty shall fall upon his metropolitan shoulders, the steel should be wreathed with roses,,like the blade of Harmopivs, and homage be paid at ouce to the brave statesman and the worthy host. Who’s Mucceripce? MuGcGERrinGE be blowed! Bah! bee! bo! buh! Mueerripeg, indeed! London for Cusirr, and Cusrrt for London! Such are Mr. Punch’s sentiments, from which he has never swerved a hair’s-breadth, and to which he adheres with the tenacity of one who stands upon principle. It is at the same time due to to say that, like his contemporaries, he had been prepared for any contingeney that might occur, and that he had the following h 4 in type, and had the Livery taken a different view of the case, these remarks would, mutatis mutandis, have taken the place of the above | glowing eulogium. As Mr. Punch announced last week must inevitably be the case, the Livery has chosen Srr Henry Muecermee by a splendidly prepon- derating majority.. The City has vindicated its title to be pono as the asylum of justice, fearlessness, and incorruptibility. MueeEripes is | Mayor-Elect, and a glorious triumph has been achieved. Who, we | indignantly ask, were his opponents? The Conservatives, who boast | that it is their pride stare super vias antiquas, and now indeed do stare at the old streets in speechless dismay. These were the champions of | order and vested rights, and these men sought to thrust away the lawful claimant of the City throne, and by a coup d’état of unequalled ferocity, | to reseat a sovereign whose-lease had expired. MuGGErrpes is vic- | torious, and faction and epicureanism sneak into unutterable nothing- ness. What was the base, and indeed baseless assumption upon which | they rested their case? They urged that Mr, Cusrrt had upheld the social honours of the City, and they dared to imply that MueeERIDGE might be less generous and open-handed. Why, did they not know that this noble Corn-Factor is a Chevalier of the Legion of Honour, created by no less a personage than the Emperor or THE FRENCH him- self? Was he—the Chevalier—likely to tarnish the lustre of his order, the star of the brave whose light hath shed such glory o’er the quick and dead? His very name is suggestive of hespidalite--idve. Muccer, Muccenrincz are words redolent of the rich atmosphere of the loving- cup, the spiced wine in which a Mayor wishes happiness to the world in general, and the Aldermen in particular. We have no language to express our contempt for the happily innocuous but not the less malevo- lent attempt to push him from his stool, and it is with sensations of a character too elaborate for analysis, and too recondite for utterance, that we join in the exulting shout, “ London for MuccER.pes, ai Muecerince for London! ” And now we hope that we have made it all right in both quarters, and will only request that the Lorn Mayor will recollect that we have ”

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THAMES EMBANKMENT |=} ETROPOLITAN Wi , BOARD ay RAN iN \ ‘4 THAMES AND HIS TRIBUTARY. Farner Tuames. “ BLESS YOU, MY THWAITES! BLESS YOU! IF THEY HAD WAITED FOR YOUR ‘INITIATIVE,’ I SHOULD HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR.”

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and led him from victo Soon ual teatghed tedes chetieed ano carted Tri mor hal bo bene bo mcd as hectd by ten aoe tee At fashion which wil b of personal interest prevented our upholding him in making female apparel go father and last longer than ist ‘struggle, cheering him during its progress, and consoling highly to be commend What the coquette vest Zouave means, never mind. A coquette, as we have before had occasion to observe, is, seennding to Jemma, © oar ey ie ue gepmennas fe Sad yates e coquette vest Zouave may be a gay constructed for the ssa and if if the Gtisons had placed the saddle on the night a fiirting-fao ket. 8 e gerd may, othe a the — should have had as splendid & paragra ae Png: Bd = tion of s that would oe be rejected, it is a boon and a _ 5 5g By ee dian as testo Oe tome one thing better than another, it is first-rate Madeira.

HAPSBURG’S GREATNESS IN VENICE. My pgar Trarem, No doubt exe will rejoice to hear hom hi Py: se coontiiets ional of that great your friend, the Emperor or USTRIA, is making itself res in Venetia. _ will remember that a little — ago the Austrian authorities at Venice arrested and fined several of those persons who had the presumption to attend a requiem celebrated on the occasion of the death of Counr Cavour. indeed! No rest or peace to the wicked! Well, the long- Austrian rulers did not exact the fines at the time from their ‘Thconaitioned subjects, and they liberated several of those perverse offenders. This forbearance has not been appreciated as it deserved to be ; the Venetians have made no sign, not any the least demon- stration in panes tof your great and glorious friend. What is. the co: pera mary. Fy , my pee we are told by the Paris cor- t fae Poet jemidinn to ve om :— “* At the of this month, however, the ‘Colpevoli’ were called before the paliee fad Ooh mes ay the fines ‘or ‘© to the prison of St, Severo for ne, but others preferred the im- prisonment ent, There were ett not T Ccaitake to submit to imi rather than to pay their florins hes attending. a religious ceremony in a of his most Catholic an Francis-JoserpH. Among these was SIGNORA Garonant. This was told e police that if she er og imprisonment to the fine, ‘She would be placed amongst the donne di mal affare, and would be only allowed the food.’ This lady had the pluck to accept such an alter- native, and suffe: her eight days’ incarceration with such —— The Coun- Tess LABIA and the Sicnora Seronp1 are other ladies who are prison for the same offence.” These, my dew Tesoem are pany a few of = chatinnto ladies se energetic ian police has imprison ause of their refusal poe for having attended a mass for the re of a soul which was to the + oe of the — ae in There are xml more of them expiating their m pris In thus punishi these rebels in crinoline, the admirable gue of, Austria_has pee an sound policy, not only administrative bu . Let us hope it will succeed. Francis-JosErx, though a royal Fat tleman, such as of a police like that of Venice ought to is nevertheless The finances of his Empire, you know, are in avery bad way. The therefore, under his constitutional rule, having attended an eecepale mass, were of course an ene chgpemnne NO we but needy prince. Hence b endeavouring to extract from the offenders who owed them by every possible means, even he ~ risoning res ble ladies along with donne di mal affare. Th not have taken a more judicious course, could they ? ae ae indee oo had whipped the forfeited florins out of the Italian r the manner of t Haynav of famous memory, whom fou the fat "should love; for, inasmuch as his scourge lacerated the bac ae. he too was a Tearem in his way; and he tore ’em in the f Austria. Co: ting you on the conciliatory, liberal go of your constitutional and imperial friend Believe me, &c. PUNCH. ae i | as hires at To Jony f tome — oe Esq. Boots at the Spread Eagle.

A SENSIBLE FASHION. Te attention of Paterfamilias is invited to the 4 pang piece of valuable information, for which he has to thank Le Folle Sho waa See Zouaves is far from becoming extinct, there is an economical en which pro 5 es greatly in their effect % For instance, ge D raps would other- w ade bo rejected have ve a very good en accompani: y the coquette vest The skirts that would, if worn otherwise than in conjunction with the coquette vest Zouave, be rejected, may be presumed to be skirts which want . little washing but not stand being washed. It is melancholy to every reflectmg mind, except that of a linen-draper or m , to how many skirts are rejected under those circum- stances, and have to be pon by walleetumnale husbands and, fathers as to Paterfamilias. familias = the gis, g ‘na can manage to make out that an eye on the wardrobe of a, of rhage spectacles, he ay dg rejection iby te from slight or, = —— ee Sinn, anger im generously treat them all round nthe combining elegance on their part with ccieny on <= nome getting credit, at the same time, for good taste and

MR. SPURGEON’S ADVICE TO BACHELORS. On Tuesday night last rk, at the i the Newington Monster-Tabernacle, Mr. Spurczon delivered on t nes papal monster the Gorilla. From a report of “the celebrated preach rvations, the- subjoined extract may conduce to the edification of our gies bp — “ The worst Gorillas were by ve orien vepe ee ) He hoped headdressed none of that class. (Continued Mr. SPuRGEON digressed to the softening influence of — —— hau that the best ‘hing every <7 ks | bachelor could do was to take under his sheltering wing one who co more than he could give her. (Laughter.)” hy laughter f ? What was there to laugh at in this last remark of Mr. Spurczon’s? There are those who laugh at what they don’t understand, and sweh alone surely are they who could have found aught laughable in Mr. Spurczon’s advice to bachelors. They did not, of course, apprehend any latent fun in the fi of the bachelor’s We sheltering wing.” It is not to be | Ow understood Mr. SPuRGEON as ingnuating that the olor who married was a bird as it were; namely, a goose. And where was the joke in defining the wife that a bache or had better take as one who could give him more than he could lacs her? In a matrimonial altercation, ind there are plenty of ladies who are capable of retorting with interest on their husbands, and iving them as good as they brmg and better in that sense of the p but of course these are not such as Mr. SpurGEON would freon Be Some wives if, in giving their husbands heirs, they have come under his definition, cannot have likewise earned his approval. The fellow who is so fortunate as to contract matrimony with a party able to pre him more than he can give her, can rationally be weg ps to be one oy = marries a woman of Sroperty so much dnecoling his own as to d leave him some- thing over. This kind of marriage, tho i

tion, is a grave affair of business, matter to any serious mind, such as that whieh should sbauie obien who sits under

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=F pi 5 Sade i it Sd Lass se aR : ati ‘150 “PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [a Pm te"

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to “‘take under his sheltermg wing one who to come from Echo ? Mz. Srurczox. The thoughtful bachelor would sigh instead of laughing on being advised i give him more than he could give her.” Where, oh where, is so valuable a woman to be found? Can Spurczon tell, or is’ the reply RA it \ ——— See | rightly to be underst MEDICAL MANSLAUGHTER. season, a paragraph appears head Poisoning,” or “ Medicine given by Mistake: ” | on reading which, we learn in nine times out of | ten, that the servant in attendance has given the | sick patient a dose from the wro: bot and, | through carelessness or else mperfect ability to | read, as administered some liniment of | some cone mixture, and has not until too late | discovered the mistake. ‘Now, there is an Act of Parliament which mpm that what is poi- sonous shall be labelled “Porson,” which is a | short word and easy to ut. surgeons <= | very often, and chemists not the less so, instead “= | of marking lotion bottles with the label “ Poison,” | are rather apt to use fine lan and to stick | upon their phials the inscription “ For External application only,” a phrase intelligible doubtless. either not to be spelled through, or not ood. Long words are well for educated minds, but for intellects cultured short ones are far better ; where life and death may hang upon the use of them, | surely it were better to use even v hrases | which would be er, ape than terms more elegantly chosen, which possibly would not. Many a -schooled servant, who might not know the meaning of “external application,” would Not TO BE TOOK the tent. \\\ NAY | to nine persons out of ten, but which is likely by AARNE: h understand the coarser caution Ixstpz,” while for persons more illiterate who | might entertain some doubt about the rightly spelt | word “ Poison,” a label printed “ Prison ” would be much more likely to be quickly understood.

Locomotive Love.—Buss-ing.

A LABOURER NOT WORTHY OF HIS HIRE. Atways foremost in the cause of freedom, Mr. Punch raises his loud protest against the arbitrary and tyrannical conduct of the Government, and specially of Sir Georce Grey, Home Secretary, in reference to the pension of Mr. Fretp. To pander to the prejudices of the mass is entirely unworthy of the statesman who should rule and guide it, and Sir Grorce Grey has taken an opportunity of showing that he shares the feelings of the English, and of inflictmg a blow upon one of the representatives of the spy-system. Mn. Frep has been a policeman, | and has earned a retiring pension of £120 per annum. Mr. Fretp has set up an office for himself, and proffers his experience as a Detective body who desires to find out anything, and can pay the required . Mr. Punch bas read statements in the papers, and has received special information, which iead him to believe that the private spy-system is carried on with considerable zeal and ingenuity by Mr. Frexp and other professors of the noble art. Why they are to be dis- couraged, Mr. Punch does not know. If a wife suspects that her husband’s allegation, on going out, that he has business to attend to, is not quite correct, why is she to be debarred from the pleasure of hiring a spy, who shall follow the husband, note what time he arrives at his office, and what time he leaves it, whether he has improved his dress, and whether he goes down to Greenwich or Blackwall, and with whom so that the wife may confront him with the proofs of his duplicity, and .demand to be sent to her mamma? Or, on the other hand, if a husband imagines that all his wife’s interviews during the day are not narrated to him, why should he not bring home a detective, who, under the guise of a tradesman’s messenger, with some article for Mrs. SuyBooTs’s mspection, may become acquainted with her face, and may track her from the milliner’s to the grocer’s, and thence to her friend Mrs. Wizezy’s, and thence to Kensington Gardens, and thence to the biscuit shop, and thence home, and may furnish the husband with all this information? The Home Secretary does not appear to respect the professors of detective science, and simply because Mr. Fizip placed some heading to his letters which may lead foreigners to believe that the Government has something to do with the system, the ex-detective’s pension has been stopped. He clamours, and well he may. Most English- men do not like spies, and use hard and contemptuous words about them, and call the system a vile one, and are inclined to kick anybody who is found listening at a keyhole, tampering with a letter, or boring a hole in the wall of aroom. They even prefer to be deceived, to using that kind of means of detecting deceit. But this is a coarse, insular way of

France, or elsewhere, to avail themselves of the advance of ingenuity, looking at the matter, and we regret that those who have learned in | | and the subtleties of the spy stem, receive an implied slap in the face b R. | this discouragement to TELD. Sir Georce Grey should get ri | of his English notions and habits of thought, and be more cosmopolitan. How the French officials must smile at his fastidiousness! There are no such prejudices in France, where the man who plays dominoes with | you, or the lady who waltzes with you, or the tailor who measures you, | or the affable stranger who smokes a cigar beside you in the Gardens, | may turn an honest napoleon by ree, | oe: business for the benefit of somebody else whom it may concern. hy is England to lag behind | the rest of Europe in the cultivation of Fine Arts ? en Parliament 'meets, does Srr Gzrorce tliink that he can_successfully meet: the question why Frexp’s pension has been stopped, with the bureaucratic reply that his circulars threw suspicion on the Government, or the insular statement that he was disinclined to show favour to an agent of a system which the people regard as mean, treacherous, and un-English. Mr. Frexp evidently thinks that these will be no answers at all.

DARING ACT OF PERAMBULATORSHIP. WE are accustomed to complain of servants, and to declare that they are careless, inattentive, thoughtless, destructive for the mere pleasure of destruction, and we don’t know what else. Now we boldly maintain the contrary. One fact will suffice. We have just been witnes a nursery-girl (she could not. have been more than thirteen) wheel a | perambulator, with two children in it, down the steps by the Duke of | York’s Column! It’s a fact. Bump—bump went the slender vehicle, as it descended each step, and thump—thump went our poor heart as we watched the gradual descent of the vehicle. We expected an accident every minute. We rushed forward to offer our assistance, | but there was not the slightest occasion for human help. With won- iderful nerve she guided the frail machine. Nothing could have | exceeded her wonderful self-possession but her consummate skill! At last—and those thumping five minutes were to us more than an age of stifling suspense—she accomplished the daring act, and it was done as coolly as you would eat an ice. And most mi jous—not a single | baby was spilt! We would not have tried that perilous feat—no, not | for all the wills and plate-chests in Courts’s cellar. Yet we have heard | ladies peevishly declare that servants do not take sufficient care of | their children !

Niccer Provers.—Massa Debil, him not so lilly white as him be painted. Every now and then; especially in the dull = headed “Accidental |

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PSS 285 & she BEG et BIBER EE » BSR Ea * Q. - x 3 AF “ Ooroser 12, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 151 this mo (Laughter.)” has the co into one. take any arguments P” imageries ?”” , ? culturists, them into their very faces, after having the agricultural Port answerable for that rather than his Lordship. It was scarcely kind of Lorp LyvepEn to say in the next breath— VILLIERS DESCRIPTION OF AN AGRICULTURAL MEETING. avine to attend an Agri-|the “ 9 cultural Dinner at North- pF mgt improve ampton, Lorp LivepeN | would win it? Woulditbe Newpzeare, or Loxp Rosert 18 reported to have said:— Mont ‘AGUE, OF ' “T regret that having seen back Manners against every kind of im- | agricultural provement and every stall teem- ing with something new, when F we come together this evening or the contest. nothing new is presented to us. We have the same speakers— the’ same stale same antiquated the same worn-out arguments. We would not dispute a meeting . 3 mt. The announcement. of **! nowing as much as aturally suggest to a ¥ om_ South 0 does, we wonder how he angina dese ng i ion : of | great with pesto, our Sou! guest Lad al ” . 4 " stale jokes?” Does he red fr fl ae eek Black would be Bette c he in listening to “ worn-out | care of agric having partaken of their dinner, we would make | answer to the question, ‘ “ There is nothing to tell you that the breed of orators is improving. (Renewed laughter:)” And this, too, after Eart Spencer, and Lorp Bureuiey, and the Hon. Mr.|is that’ Punch’s subscribers tak: his thoughts to himself.. This open criticism is not justifi able over the : board. f Lorp Lrveprn should propose a prize next may, foe an ¥ t “the breed.” We wonder who or Naas, or who? We would e whole oratorical universe (the ion at least—that is to say, the art of it), bu’ Lorp LyvepeEn must not enter himself jokes — the mageries — GROSS EQUIVOCATION. THE siiicined advertisement embellishes the inside back of a Western Omnibus :— “STRACHAN & Co. his Lordship’s judgment for Domestic Black ie the world. He evident! Combining great strength aaa knows what an agricul- with roughness. ic Black” forssale-might England. As to vent a was one of the ti pleasure r in-door work, i low price of tue Has he any | being/considerablyyunder a all ar, would asiesiehshim, and - special need to clothe his | he would perhaps wemark that the ni was going dog- thoughts with “ antiquated | cheap, — ~ * ‘As for the ood taste in telling these ard truths to the poor A Triple Hatful of Coppers. THE newspaper pi h subjoined afford an y is the Porg like Punch ?” ‘« Prrer’s Pence.—The total amount of ‘ Peter's Peneo’ } into the papal treasury up to the present date, is. be £2, ” His Holiness has a great many subsetibers. This is the resemblance between Punch and the Porz. The difference throwing: e Punch in, whereas the had been speaking. He might have spared their feelings, or have kept | Popr’s subscribers are taken.in by the Pore. A QUIVER FULL OF CHILDREN. Some time ago, Mr. Punch announced the appearance of a new periodical, to be called the Quéver. It has appeared, and is stated by its conductors to be su Its apparent objects are highly praise- worthy, and Mr. Punch would be sorry to indite a word in discour ment of any effort to do good. But it oceurs to him that a househald conducted on the system recommended in the number of the Quiver now sying betane him might be—not to put too fine a point upon it— y dull. : ht = exceedingly self-satisfied Parent, complimented by a friend upon the conversational fluency and accuracy of Parent’s children, takes credit to himself for ha cultivated those fle his offspring b sundry rules and tions. In the first place it is sternly ordain that in the Fluent — no child shall ever talk Nonsense. If he or she have nothing sensible.to say, he or she must hold his or her little e. things considered, Mr. Punch is not quite sure that this pro- hibition is calculated to make home particularly happy. One Mans. BRowNING theories upon the subject of child-nonsense, theories which would shock the judicious Parent in the Quiver ; for the lady (but what do women know about education?) censures—it is in a lovely passage in Aurora Leigh—men who have not the wisdom to talk non- sense with children. But, passing from this, and we dare say that when out of Stern Parent’s hearing, Fluent Children indemnify them- selves for their prematured sagacity, Mr. Punch invites attention to the mode in which Stern Parent supplies Fluent Child with pabulum for wise talk. _ At the beginning of each month, Parent writes a long list of “sub- jects” upon slips of paper, and places these in a “vase.” We believe a common jug, or a flower-pot with the hole corked up, or even a disused hat will answer the purpose, but “vase” is more elegant, and you can a stunning vase, all scroll and red and gilt, in the Lowther Arcade, or one and eightpence. Well, every morning some one of the children ws out a slip. He or she proclaims the word. At dinner, after mouths have been wiped, serviettes put into rings, and grace said, each one is expected to come out with something wise in reference to this e Parent gives a specimen of the result, in a case where the subject drawn out had been the lively and suggestive theme, “Truth.” Mr. Punch is sadly afraid that had he had the misfortune to be one of the guests upon the occasion, he should have been obliged to remember a pressing engagement, in order to escape from the dear little re wg who were made to torture their thoughts into the semblance of aphor- isms and epigrams. Or, perhaps, he would have tried to provide them with something lighter, by slipping some new inte the vase, age- | For, the laboured and stilted anes nonsense strictly forbidden in fan, breaks out in earnest—which sufficient Parent sets down as the talk of Fluent Children, would, had it really been, uttered, have moved Mr. Punch’s gentle soul to compassion, He will not quote it, though, for it is not kindred with his own nonsense, but this is the sort of thing which is to make Fluent Children :— Polly, The word which has to-day been withdrawn from our vase, dear parents, is Patience. As Iam to s first, let me remark. that this is a quality apt to be recomme by those who do not always evince the possession of any remarkable share of it. Jacky. Tt is a very desirable quality, because it enables us to endure misfortunes with fortitude. ; Louisa. It is like a lamp, because—because—because it throws a soft light upon our sorrows. ‘ ; ; Stern Male Parent. You may add, Lovtsa, because it requires to be supplied with the oil of charity. ; ; Rtern Female Parent. Let me also add that Louisa’s simile might be improved by introducing the word “ camphine,” for patience shows a her pure spirit. i tern Male Parent. Admirable, dear Mamma. Proceed, Harry. Harry. “ Patience, should, like a polished razor keen, Wound with a touch that’s hardly felt or seen.” No, I mean Satire, but I got the wrong quotation into my head. Stern Parent. As a forfeit for your inadvertence, Harry, repeat to us the first hundred lines from Paradise Lost. With due accent and emphasis. : : ; Harry, “Of man’s first disobedience eating fruit, &c., &c.” There, will anybody like to join the Fluent Children at their improving revels, or who’s for a game at Oross Questions and Crooked Answers ? Happy may be the man who has his er full of such children, but Mr. ye 4 who adores and is adored by children ‘esses that he would not be very happy withthe children of the Quiver.

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THE LONDUN CHARIVARI.

Li Li) lj Wi? l 0 hia ! ty eyes = as the rofadog,. + No beast aaneete thy vast excess ; No glutton, alderman, or hog. Horseleech more suction doth not crave : Thou art insatiate as the grave. What bounds thy ra’ can contain P Our orchards must their fruit produce, That Manchester may better stain Thy cotton trappings with their juice : So we shall have no apples left, And of our cider be bereft. Thou idiot Vice, whose mean delight. Lies in the thought of being seen, | THE APPLES OF VANITY. | | eee LhgFe vt In gy ee pg © mes ry WIT TOD . i isten y thy Crinoline : Yi Yet ex ml . What is there thou wouldst not devour, WM" RE Just in thy hat to stick a flower ? Ah! couldst thou, from the very grape, Squeeze out a novel partie dye To colour thy confounded crape So as to catch the public eye, Thou ‘dst spoil the true Burgundian vine Itself, and rob us of our wine.

Humiliating Spectacle. | THe following remark was made by a Swell inspecting through his eye-glass a very small infant exhibited to him at the instance of its father, by its nurse, “ Welcome little Stwangeaw! : AFFECTIONS OF SALMON. | ‘Tue Fishery Commissioners of Ireland report a “decline Small Cousin. “Do rou KNow, ALICE, IT JUST OccURS TO ME, THAT THE GuaRD of Salmon.” Thisis very sad. The decline of Salmon must THINKS WE ARE A Runaway Covurie!” | be lamented by those who rejoice in their consumption.

~ SS

WHAT? AT IT AGAIN? YOU! A PUZZLE FOR A CABMAN. Te Minutes of Education lately put before the public have received! Rvussta, enchanted at the politeness of. Mr. Sewarp, has found heart from some people ‘some moments of attention ; and certainly the writer | to begin interférihg in'a quarter wliere it might be thought she had of the following advertisement would be none the worse for giving half- | received some little discouragement the other’day. She has actually an-hour to any minutes that should point out how'the English language | taken upon herself to apprise the Sublime Porte ‘that she disapproves might be learnt :— of its treatment of the Montenegrins, and intends to‘ send vessels to enforce her views.. What does Europe think ‘of that? Russia! {OUR POUNDS REWARD.—LOST, a valuable TURQUOISE and Reece ee Perak . GOLD BROOCH, on Thursday night, 26th. If the cabman who took two | While yet hes chentrix na raw and red ladies, in borg ~~ the corner of Wellington — ee } 4 “> nd After the English sword. Baker Street, N..W., will return the same, or any person who may have found itin| we should much like to.see the original, reply, as jotted down by the oe oe abgames — © Sep ee new Sultan.. We wonder whether this is anything ike it:— The puzzles here presented are really quite as numerous as those! « gx; of a burnt fortress, littered in our nursery, and to our mind they are scarcely less difficult “ Your missive has been laid at our feet,,and if your own haye recovered from the bastinado so well laid on by our late brother’s friends, you had better come to solve. Whether the cabman is requested to “return the same” two ° . * ‘ ° ” here and humbly ask leave to devour the letter, on your knees, in our presence. By ladies, or their “eveni dress,” or Wellington Street Strand, or | the soul of the Prophet, but some people’s effrontéry is. marvellous. Are’ the blasted _— Baker Street, N.W., or “ any person who may have found it | docks of Sebastopol rebuilt, and are all your ships fished up from the bottom of the i cab,” itely to decide. And what the | sea and re-fitted? Send by return of post the head of the slave who penned the Hy » tne oie utterly wane detattely, letter, and say what you will stand if we promise not to show it to the small-footed “it” refers to is alike incomprehensible, as is the nominative which is | ‘ you wanting to the “shall be gladly paid.” Which is the “ address given” | me Geiglie Pott. a “ Agrées, &e.” is peor = Sh good any ; 8 004 Sn onnet < — = ae On the whole, Punch humbly suggests that the Autograph of all the is to be “brought ” there pots Parag roblem not less difficult: and one | Russians had better attend to the manumission of his own negroes, arid that we have nen no leisure ie he solve . | leave the Montenegroes to mind their own business. OMAR ‘PasHA If ladies who lose things word their advertisements thus loosely, they | might like nothing better than giving the same hint in livelier colours, cannot wonder much at not recovering the articles they lose. However | ——_—_————————

conscientious a cabman may be, he cannot be expected to waste an | afternoon in endeavouring to get through such a maze as we have | A Salt-Water Sketch. quoted; and the chances are, that after sundry scratches of his | (Taken on the Sands.) pases pate, he will pitch the Times aside, and have another pot of Tue Visitors of Ramsgate are divided by the respectable residents ” -_ a :— Those who go to bathe,’and those who go to see them bathe.”

The Uses of Prosperity. PRosPERity has its “ sweet uses” as well as adversity, for no sooner SCIENTIFIC IESHIASERECE. does a man come into a little property than he instantly learns the| A Fast young Undergraduate explained to his slow “coach,” that number of his friends; whereas, if he remained poor, the chances are | the reason he was reading up a Guide to the Turf was for instruction In

a ae

that he would have died in perfect ignorance of the Ethnology, or the knowledge of Races. . of

Printed by William , of No. 18 Upper Woburn Place, and Mullett Evans, of No, 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park, both ia the Parish of 8t. im the Frater, at their Odie Ui Lombard Stee, nthe Precinct of Watears ithe Cito London, aed Published by! or No. 95, Fleet Street, in the Pariah: of Bt. Bride, iw the Oity of Lond tURDar, October » 1861. "i

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SN Bi c's é RRR UT obs hit .e alas b Ae PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI ATS. . THE FALL OF THE LEAF; OR, SYLVAN MUSINGS. I sat upon a timber stool, Beside a woodland alley ; Autumnal breezes brisk and cool Came down the valley. Half stri the ing branches swayed, Their Aekle foliage mattered ; And tawny swarms adown the Flew, trundled, skipped, and fluttered. They fluttered, trundled, skipped and flew, Tossed, winnowed, seeps, “pe heapen ; Each gust increasing rey blew, Each lull the drifts did deepen. Think you upon the scene I mused, Collecting MOMS seach wed mi much wu For elegiac sorrow ? No! When I heard the branches sigh, And saw the dead leaves caper. I co of our short Rag Supply— I said, “Here ’s Pulp for Paper !” In dearth of our material raw, By Guapstone clean forgo Our home-grown substitute is straw— uted A staple frail and rotten. > him Straw’s brittle fibre splits and tears ; lcome Cheap prints employ but hate us : aWSE; Besides, the gritty silex wears umble Our mashing apparatus. ta Litter and literature contest To keep the straw mart merry, Pitting the stable interest sclnad Against the stationery. must While leaves which, left to rot, are lost . “NONE 0’ YOUR LARKS.” Tn fumes of noxious vapour, . Would surely minimise in cost Gigantic Navvy. “ Let ’s walk between yer, Gents ; folks "ll think youve took up Material raw for paper. a Deserter.” ! A Paper Maker. heart Has” ally REPENTANCE RATHER TOO LATE. PUNCH’S PULPIT LOZENGES. OVES _ SuBsorNED is an extract from a paragraph which may be considered| CLERGYMEN, and students preparing to take orders, are earnestly els to singular, as having appeared in the Times :— — * rang: trial of ee mens, _ A highly efficacious = “ ___|making clear the voice, and rendering the utterance articulate an of Greenwich Union, held last ev rening, B Canrmn chairman Mn Bassert, one | distinct. They are also warranted to cure that painful stammering of the Woolwioh goardions, we 7 , @ committee be app inted to consider and = a os wre eo 2 oe cere m cae = ¥ ents can @ tr ens married couples in the work- | afflicted; and to impart a level, smooth, and glib pronunciation ose 7 hous, both of whom are ova 60 years of ag, to live with each other, a the 28 | whose elooution, was neglected in, thelr childhood, or whose tongues compel such married persons to live apart.’”" = Save Ee — ys by _—, impediment of ——, _ Another of their overed The Times, whence the foregoing statement is taken, is, it is necessary | °D¢" YS 18, Haat they assist in 8 naps, Stray AY ap: ne Pon pa : oan to state, simply the nis, rae. the Yankees say, the Tendon Times. weak-lunged clergymen to make themselves distinctly heard where ce. By It is really — Soule the Times of Printing-House Square. Had such a| gras their preaching was so utterly inaudible that it could do "or the piece of news to us in an Irish Zimes, we might have noticed | a =. icra ot am ns an mg og dh apehgen a of gt ie ed the it as the record of a truly Irish fact. That fact, related as having | OW9'Cs the close ot a “ong sthtence, V0 wither tend oretually to ¢ footed occurred at Ballybog or blunder, might have been cited as charac- a. pacited ; while at the game tine Oe ion ually to cure ap teristic of its locality. But, here, in Kngland, the Greenwich and Wool. | 8¥¢h oral failings as affected inability to roll the letter R. ;' : eg: : Mr. Punch has at his side a peck or two of Testimonials, which Il th wich Guardians, in quorum assembled, are moved, in the twenty-fourth | th hly attest the trath of the ‘above asserti d which er year of Her TY’s reign, to consider and report what ments | pode ?, a hg A d btfal f hie wrk to * ge will he . at , arid can be made for abolishing practice which was declared illegal by an | /oOC# P” CoMise Cal Oe Ot. HL ood al add, that if one trial won't sss Act of the 10th and 11th. Surely this beats Banagher, or shutting the = th y ot pe es ing Bes, tion th ae h rsd will bet t — stable-door after the steed has been stolen, or trying a man after his | PPOve Mie ladls W e Fess: yg» See ge . execution, or anything preposterous that can be well imagined. What is | perfect liberty to make geval and a third, even fourth or fifth the penalty attached 10 the illegal regulation which the guardians of the | will be allowed to all who put sufficient money in their purse. Greenwich Union, thus late in the day, met to talk about discontinuing ? n' ye d not = my same sme, _ been. invited to hes ord ber steps e in order to avoid the consequences which the men Them. —_ incurred by pres for a long ae of years in a course of ilga a a pe Seen oe mi inhumanity? What would be thought of a gang of fraudulent dis-| We see that there is a Continental paper pebined called the Corre- tillers holding a public. assembly to determine what arrangements to | spondance Bullyer. We do not know w paper is like—we have in order, for the future, to pay the Excise wy: ; the clandestine | never seen a copy of it, not even in a Sub-Editor’s room—but we should action of spirits having-been declared illicit by the statute in such | say that when an Italian gentleman writes to a a to say that she may ’ that case made and provided some time ago? But it is one thing to sin | have her letters back for a certain sum, say £2,000, that a demand of ion in the Excise Laws, and another to sin st the Poor Law, | that exacting nature takes very much the form of a 4 when the sin against the is committed on the side of barbarity. | Bullyer. VOL, Xi. R

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| Boswell (when they have reached the fountain). Well, 1 don’t think it | basins, with a sound which has aptly been compared to the penta- _ would not make such an assertion. You said that you did not think this | elegance in the execution. — . rome edification so bad. Explain your adverb. “So” mayimplyin| oswell. It looks like an importation from the New Road. me But, ha! ha! don’t look downcast. You are ass of t | adverb implying comparison, without the corresponding word as, to| Johnson. You have defended yourself ably and boldly, Sir, and you | render the — definite. <2 have fairly characterised the abomination before us. In proof of ‘my Nay, Sir, if you are grav i = : é on my ~ . a re yey ee sep rti { a) Peer ees “Tete May's? GE, pak ARS Up ake

1B PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ovronm 10, 1861.

| soon after, he got less than he might have had, and less, indeed, than he deserved. He might turing on the Gorilla. have received a wound in the abdomen, which

SURROUNDING SAVAGES. would not have been quite such a coup de grace a MoNG sundry current wn vated which he “soon after ree nue a si intelli mained till deatl heal and have et) : items of intelligence, — " a = shot off nd have! _=2 Ss) the two subjoined are | tists “His. knee might have been smashed b - ; vet - a yi 8] cant instances : : ‘ nie Z = ; the bullet @f his adversary, and, his leg having fi dere aaa been he might have had to hobble ge my roe “ear f ee o8 oF Gree

| abroad state that :— id to the watrior maimed in e might, sBeguns Bonowrrzcs | Sedat ews tolerant of msuler would, have img dhown disrospeet ‘to | ‘been a. pf al or Senveastt!| /But-what if Semians Austrians, and (aba ‘the whole body German and done German Servi | lticere ST thnots i ' [Let the hog eat decide ‘which of Misiir ty came — Stem, 3 a wee A AY j ‘mumber shoul te even p ge? an —F NNR i xy | aa ae isnot the shortest org comment on the one lan Mo PF yh} .. Tite. ser ‘of | or the other a’mere "bore‘o the upper and fasti- “WE aie “a | these ‘Servian dious classes? Are we of virtuous , dm ‘thus Growing lots | indignation in even inti any ‘kind of ob- = ‘to determinewihich of | jection to the practice.of Not Guilty = ‘them sshould sacrifice | —Civilisation may reeeile as elsewhere— ‘ thtimself ‘or mother who knows how'soon? ‘Mfhe “‘eode of ‘honour ” aman ‘to ‘his master’s | may be revived. ‘one Gf ‘us wise men may dignity, is| be lisble to be ‘shot or stabbed ‘bya ‘blockhead about ‘on ® par with| and bully, onee more, ap ‘in ‘time'past, "permitted =~ the sélfdlevotion of | by society to demand histhomouror'his life. Dis- tthe sdble aborigines | approbation of duelling, based on @ ground so : deny Dahomey to bw. purely selfish as this, is mdt'to'be sneered at. ; sovereign. The ervian slave on =<=——— the lot in this idioti eeepenguinery | 4Awaricious Gres for Office. — Ei eeerrad cighily Six Haney Muceexwer was wonfidentially Gee ‘incurved the fate _— what was - ag) ge of ‘the sang : ayor allowing himse ut ‘wp ‘a secon iss was experienced |time for ‘ledtion, when the baulked ‘Baronet | answered ‘somewhat snappishly, “Oh! it’s just dermentioned :— seg — ; : like his Cubittity ! ” “ Duels seem to be increasing in Germany. The Zeit of Frankfort states that a hostile encounter has | just been fought near that city between Mason Von per Tann, Chamberlain to the Kine or Bavaria, and an Austrian officer, whose name is not given. The Major was shot in the abdomen, and soon after expired.” | if the former of these two fools, like the latter, did get shot in the abdomen, and died

Tue Hetent or Ecorism.—Srureeon lec-

Johnson. That, Sir, is at once a lucid and a fair expression of opinion. THE NEW TEMPLE FOUNTAIN. \ of ree ern, Se, mekes = happy roe Wipes ) , | his eyes. et I don’t know, Sir, that I entirely approve the alteration. Gn Kmaginarp Conversation. | The old long single stream, to which we had been for years accustomed, is now bedizened, and the nymph of the fountain ean hardly recognise JOHNSON. BOSWELL. her haunt. Boswell (as they walk in the Temple Gardens). Axe you aware, DR- | woman that she must recto ia fer adgifion if fe she be 8 J ees, that our worthy Benchers have been beautifying the Fountain Boswell, Most true, Sir. Your knowledge of human nature is mar- tae oat a | vell ‘ ous. Johnson. Sir, the statement was yesterday made to me by some“ Josuson, I confess that I share your prejudice. Yet those nude boys ee gig like yourself, loves to impart small news. Let | sustaining the shell whence the water rises, to fall back upon the two is so bad. _—. “Tn th falling in melody back.” Johnson. Finish your sentence, Sir. Valueless as may be your senti- | tae segs mr nue tates : ments, let them be clothed in decent garb. Finish your sentence. |—you observe the scanning, Sir—I say that those unclad children, the Boswell. T thought 1 had done so, Sit. shell, the basins, and the general effect are not unpleasing, though there Johnson. You can have given no thought to the subject, Sir, or you | is an utter absence of originality in the design, and mo remar like manner, in such a degree, in such a manner, in the same manner,| Johmson. The New Road, Sir, is now called another name, and, therefore, provided that, thus, in noting comparison. | moreover, I am unaware that the atmosphere of St. Marylebone is'more Boswell. Might I venture to submit— | unfavourable to art than that of any other vicinity. Clear your mind Johnson. You will submit upon all occasions, Sir, as becomes your | of cant, Sir. . Boswell. You are unjust, Sir. I meant to imply that the work before he friendliness of my regards even when my diction seems incompa-| us resembled not.s0 much that of the sculptor, e to illustrate a tible with esteem. Enough of this. What do ie mean by so bad? _| certain idea for a certain purpose, as that of the man who keeps Boswell. Forgive me if I venture to contend, even sonnet my vene- | so much stone in stock, for sale to any person who may wish to erect rated friend Dr. Jonson, that colloquially I am justified in using the | tomb, memorial, tribute, or landmark.

Johnson, Ni ely defending your folly, I have | satisfaction, I will go with you, if you please, to the Mitre, and you done. Sociality may extend indulgence to mirth, but morality prohibits | shall stand treat for a bottle of port wine. the toleration of effrontery. Boswell. Most gladly, Sir.—(Aside. I dare not tell the great Samuzt I spoke unguardedly, Sir. Perhaps, in my own mind, I | Jomyson that I should prefer his standing Sam.) Let us go, Sir.

Boswell. supplied the com m, and meant that this fountain, as now adorned, | Johnson. And, like Horace, pour a libation in honour of the is not so bad as I had expected to find it.

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Lt et = cis Fe onet SESE | a — PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —~- EXTRACT FROM MR. PUNCH’S DIARY. “ We can't Sepeyins Got Qos sovereigns who QuEEN Victoria 4 visit must find in the of our Court ng pe her patie no! on 4 those of the Courts of other countries. Do they never grow tired of walking on the slopes? We gd ething brilliant and exciting in the way of a hunt by torchligh: uerade, or a b of a, i. ‘= ty ite is v magni cent, and she poole = 8 at +E but we gee given to understand that ies in rate are rathe’ d that, wh cai joyous feasts en of the Gontinent, bee tecianeett te wee Sct emerald ed meats.”—Daily Telegraph. air, made him a resent of a value- ess character, But the result does de- pend upon circum- stances, and those eget a getlece are the ai pave © and affability of a guest with a somewhat marked no clumsy expansion or ungainly elevation of figure. Raves, when Punch is present, no divinii absent. is He has not troubled his gracious Mistress and Friend with an electric message to ask leave to revelation, but ventures at once to such an idea of a Royal dinner ates wae bode Bane, 20, wk te the uncomfortable surmises of his friend of the Telegraph. He ers to his own private Diary for an entry respecting one of his late visits at the Palace, a diary, by the way, which will be published one of — days, with effects which it is almost too a to con- “« June ar coir ee me £ the ee etinien, making jokes af ns po odie tae: t J. are “ta Rae e me some c ver gs abou and. his funny Fre and how, Concierge; over a door at the Louvre, meant, and being told Porter, said it was very thoughtful of the authorities to keep porter there for the students, so as cp save them the trouble of running out for refreshment. Pam wanted to write qe oe for this week’s number, but I would not displace anything to make room for hin sant se hour, when Ly yeep Nig! or i. gur, w iwis stopped the game to. ex: be the athteti rts of the Ancient Greeks, and was. very profound on ium, OY five exercises. He also offered Hay (0.a, review. of Giseer 8 Homeric book for us, pro: , needlessly, to. cut it up uncommon; but as he did not think he could do it in less than sat columns, I didn’t seem to see it. peep and to the Palace.to dinner. The Q was looking ex y w well, and was. fall of kindness. and m of me, as usual. F'. M. seemed bored; I suspect a Bishop had been bothering him. The: children enchanted to see me, as always. (ail nt eth some or other ; he was resented to me, but | Is I did not catch his name, and orgot to ask, but e seemed al | a and: Pam sat next to him, and at intervals. L heard Master. he ones. ‘him. pleasant little hints that he must dismiss his Caljinet, or would be in a mess—that fellow Pam’s coolness. is incon- ceivable. I told them a few things out of the next Number, and of course there was a roar; but I will not do this again when the Bisnop or Oxrorp is at table, for I know he passes them off to the Archdeacons as his own; and though he is an excellent fellow, this is not right. The PRINCE gave a capital imitation of Buckstone, supposing him pe be delivering a lecture on Oolites before a siete apociatio Jouxssy Russet tried a about “primitive > ted eae it was owt very and Pam told so; but Jonwwy had h revenge after- wards a hit at the- Constable about Cupid-ity, sate nobody under- stood it. Lorp SHarresBuRY was very emphatic about the extra- ordinary merits and graces of boiled oysters, which is a dish he heard of'early in the year, and said that he would ask me to taste at his house, when those bivalves came in again. He said anos a CLARENDON q Aunt had told him of it, on which Lorp rather more happily than civilly :— “Let me extol a cat omegations fed.” I capped the line, looking at Jonnsy Russeri— “Tl have a party atthe diaiitimd! Head.” fe MB owshall,” he said, very ‘and the sooner the R. Puncn, ever vigilant, heat’s in the right But we could not | and jealous of the a whether the were to he were divided into honour of his Sove vers: and Non-shavers. Grorem that the English reign and friend, m bapa ct of the Romans, must have! and also quoted lighted upon the queer bib of Cicero about oysters, decreasing with ve remarks in a »moon—cum lund pariter creseunt. & memory that cove has ! very smart leading | After dinner "i saa them «fom songs, some of them article in the Daily | exceedingly cl happy, and they: at some of the rhymes, — Telegraph one day | @.@-— last week. He hast- “ Andi there sits a man who vy 4 no means.a.Jew is. ens to set the writer Though he has a long nose, Lalinde ta,.@. Lac. a ht, guamprimum, | and made a capital one on the F. ME ere is no neces- al sity for him to help} be ugly word io, 20 NGMaas Maier Ques’ Court anf fe welts do. not re haves, 0, ueen’s Court im} o not rem " ad Contes fom a Pravcgss. eo is lp ihe evening ome ng] . ed ourts; but wi — an it @igars on. ne e ever “gave” him to tose —eeeives 0” lok. Here ih wae on understand that ag Sy und! & splendi , Royal dinner pay |p i SruRczom Ons on come go memorandum to in England, ie lee EON @puff one of these 7. ine Ra go wine certain circum|mever any harm, and yet I must have sree sieht oe nine stances, is a dreary Totes wa out eating the maraschino, whielt E always out of em. mat does: our friend of the: Zelegmagh think of Palatial EXOTIC SLANG. THOSE Ooutinental telegrams will be the death of us. One of them, sent from Paris a few days since, having announced that numerous arrivals of grain from Liverpool had been reported at Marseilles, appended to that statement the following remark :— ¢ These arrivals allow us to hope that the alimentary crisis is about to enter a subsiding phase.” “ Down again to 3d. even money,” is the English expression of the state of things expressed in L orego regoing, jargon as the “‘subsidin phase ” about to be Pao Bk y the * entary crisis.” In suc jargon the word “‘complications” is one of frequent occurrence. nterpellations”’ is vane her. Is it too much of an “ in tion” to ask whether the worst conceivable “complication” is not that which is formed by phraseology like that above quoted ? IMPORTANT TO OLD LADIES. We are no doubt indebted: to our excellent system of railway epnqpesent: Ses in appearance of the subjoined notification in the CCIDENTS are ALWAYS OCCURRING.—The WORLD INSU- ae COMPANY insures compensation in case of death or disability from Considering, however, all that is. involved in the idea of World once, we should like whieh es wae a no by Wo = Insurance mpany 1s a § 10n whic) up any ie wie on proph who, in works which os ome © command a sale, are continasd y announcing the final conflagration of the “Globe. m. CUMMING, whose eye to the main chance is as sharp as his spent second sight, a shareholder in the World Tnsurance A Female Fanatic for Music. We have succeeded at pe in solving a life-longenigma. After years of patient investigation, we have rewarded in finding out the true motive that Daneel the Old Lady to part with her Piano, and buy a mangle with it. ely in yt that sueli a We rejoice excessivi sacrifice was only done from an excess of her art, that she might be the the better enabled for the future to turn all her energies and thoughts ae tye 2 to her Hanpgn !!!—[This eee oan ‘

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wet te my gala Mk er LONDON CHARIVARI. [Octonsr 19, 1861. hy Wh WE Vf, ALLL Wny Tt Te UUM WY i, W/. (BY, AL Lided oe ; (bias aN \s VEL o\y b RELAXATION. Scene—Smoking Room. Country House. 2°30 a.m. Country Friend (to Johnson, who has had a long tramp of it in the rain after wild | Pops, and:t L } birds). “ W8LL, GOOD NIGHT, OLD FELLOW! IF YOU WON’T HAVE ANOTHER WEED.| is playing in the drama of I¢alian Freedom, just brought RememBer !—Cus-HUNTING IN THE MORNING, HALF-PaST FIVE. Don’t BE LATE!” | out. THE GERMAN FLEET. (To a Little Fatherland Lubber.) Awnp did the little German cry I want to have a Fleet ? A Navy in his little eye? Oh, what a conceit ! Well; if hell promise to be good, His he shall enjoy ; See here’s a ship cut out of wood: A proper German toy. : | | The prettiest fleet that e’er was seen Sha at his com ; This is the type of that marine That best fits Fatherland: *T will crown his aspirations fond, And realise his dream ; "Twill crest the waves of every pond : And ride each rippling stream. But then his Fatherland’s extent His Navy must confine, And his ambition must be pent Within its bounding line. To covet Schleswig he must cease, Holstein no more desire ; And not disturb his neighbours peace, To play at sword and fire. To man his ships there needs no crew highly seasoned ; That ’s well where Neptune’s sons are few; He wants but sons of Mars, In Fatherland to hold his own, And keep the foeman’s feet From off that stream whose banks alone Demand a German Fleet. | False Report. | We are authorised to contradict a rumour which is current that the piece called Mischief Making, now in play at the Olympic, was 0 written by his Holiness the t its title bears allusion to the part which he HEY FOR DISHABILLE ! * Mx. Puncu, “Aw ‘eminent Metropolitan tailor advertises a mornin costume ‘For Gentlemen,’ described as ‘a Negligée Milled Twee Suit, consisting of a Cape, Jacket, Vest, and Trousers, the charge being Two Guineas.’ is, I su , 1s the sort of dress in which, worn on the boulevards at Paris, and on other pavements in foreign parts where dandies most do ‘congregate, our countrymen are wont to astonish the French and the rest of the Continental natives, and afford them harmless amusement, to the disgust of other less independent and more sensitive Englishmen. ; “For my part, Sir, I do not by any means coneur with those thin- skinned Britons who have lately been complaining of the plain but icturesque attire which gene y distinguishes our tourists abroad. Tn my opinion, the customary and characteristic garb of the English traveller combines elegance with economy in the most desirable pro- portions ; the ratio of economy considerably preponderating over that of elegance. Comfort, durability, and cheapness are the primary recom- mendations of clothes all over the world. Appearance is a secondary, or a tertiary, or a still minor consideration. Young men are now adopting very rational habits, that is to say, habiliments. In so doing they ought to be encouraged. When I was a young buck, or at least the contemporary of young bucks, my associates were very commonly accustomed to run up tailors’ bills, which their fathers had to pay To be sure, I never did such a thing myself, and poreee I am rewarded for it now, when I contemplate with satisfaction the inexpensive rig of my own boys, who are a credit, and not a debt, to their affectionate governor. “There is little difference, I believe, between the domestic costume of our young fellows and that in which they use to exhibit themselves to grinning foreigners. Not quite so in respect to girls. Battered hats and amorphous Crinolines are mere accidents of travel. They are jhenomena whose causation depends on laws whereof the operation is termined by the dimensions of trunks and bandboxes. ey never appear on the other side of the Channel, any more than on this, other- | wise than altogether against the inclination of the wearers. My sons | Ihave no occasion to complain of on the ground of their excess of | apparel. I wish I could eB! much for my daughters. ‘ I' should be | very glad if they would be a little less particular about the shape of the | hats and Crinolines wherein ag Bip wont to court public iration | at home, and would accordingly be content to wear those, and all other articles of clothing, about ten times longer than they do at present. “Tn conclusion, let me observe that the state of the human skin of much more importance than the hue and texture of any fabric which | may invest it. Our Continental neighbours, at a hotel or a lodging- | house, as a rule, allow you about as much. water. for the parpose of washing yourself as what just suffices for cleaning your teeth. This is | Christian conduct of them, no doubt. I believe they do as they would | be done by. They may ridicule the cut and the tints of a Briton’s | is | raiment; but how about what underlies that rough exterior, on the one hand, and their own elegant externals, on the other ? What is the colour of our respective skins? Will they institute comparisons? On whose side will the laugh be then? ‘Well, perhaps on theirs still. | They will deride us absurd Englishmen for neglecting our dress, which is seen, whilst we carefully wash and cleanse the calles of our bodies, which, on the Boulevards and other fashionable places, is not seen. Never mind. Let those langh that win.: A penny saved is a penny got; and milled Tweed suits, at 1wo guineas, if they will only do duty a sufficient length of time, are the clothes for the money of PaTERFAMILIAS.” A Fleet that Doesn’t Make much Way. Landlubber. And where is this German Fleet I read so much about? Seafaring Cove. Off Good Hope, Sir; and there it has been sticking, to my knowledge, Sir, for years past, and you may take my word for iti, Sir, it will never get much further than that. ‘ [The LANDLUBBER #8 ‘ectly contented with the bondfide-ness of his nautical friend’ s information.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocrozzr 19, 1861. THE GERMAN FLEET. Mz. Pouncu (to Smatt Genman). “THERE’S A SHIP FOR YOU, MY LITTLE MAN—NOW CUT AWAY, AND DON’T GET IN A MESS.”

Page 162

Page 163

ip Re heen

Pet Big Si + ipeienbipbae Gaaays e ke

. 19, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

A FAITHFUL SPIRIT THAT CAN MAEE HIMSELF GENERALLY USEFUL. gan ae geusally make Buy

re ac acer we spirits aout who will cut ae hair, and shave us, and call us early in the morning, and cook’ our bre: run errands, and’ answer — for | had win fad tal not keep a Spirit-of. -work in the house; one who - as should alien Be respective offices of maid, cook, valet, commissionnaire, s, and se- cnkey? — be very y eerie, wou get pe the perpetual annoyance poy wo ect a material saving in wages in the course of the Consider, too, what an economy in board alone there would be for one of the most remarkable things is, that these Spirits do not require anything to eat or drink. There is no agree- ment required for tea or sugar, Or 80 much beer per diem. They live on air; even London air doesn’t seem to disagree with them. yd nother advantage is, that they would execute their work without e smallest noise. They do not slam doors, or tramp heavily up and yn the stairs, or - chat over the area- with the enti tie, of also, a great for property! You never hear of'a TSedupein Ge unless it ma be @ nervous person’s repose ina respectable establi ——— a good, The poor was kept, would be unkno calumniated by ion aoe - broken t put imocent back. The work would be done noiselessly, even aware that any one ‘was moving vi question of “ Followers” would be that we can foresee would ae cat ” Here is a iil of ‘the we take from the iting, ae ly ric not quarre. lagazine. Tt is so exquisite are number a whe | ive ajbit of fun, for taking it in extenso :— read a communication in regard thn wp Ay Eel N.Y. Being very anxious to ge AY “ very ha had a communication from her to x that she would sit for Mr. F. on mee agers on ts 2 Bi i te F. that I wished to have the portrait of my spirit-mother, and that she Fa. z sit for the day above-named. Some three weeks pie te te Mr. Fayerre, that he SS ey appointed, the portrait of a lady, a ion of it. I immediately sent for it, and have it now in my sion. My Stet ae me when, on opening the box, T resugadoed in it true of my spirit- er—true and perfect in every particular. Pn any oe eee A tae My mother was born in Germany, about eleven — > portrait was never taken in her lifetime, t oun aay iy fin in thi Sight, tis Mr. ng astonishmen delight, the pain and + eh Reve of my mother, but even the ek the ley ony that che asel'be wear beaareTter hate aaskanste. dae cus cepaliaaaanmnes bes eagreaee ty calling at my residence. “ St. Louis, Mo., April, 1861.” “ Curistran Fiscpacu.”’ the above to be true—and we should be sorry to doubt it cst g i i for — raising all the Spiritualists, like a swarm of gnats, about our is an end to portrait-painting. Who will what a evo ling? Photopnph ting from a Spirit R.A. without the trouble sitting? Pho hy, too, will be knocked on the head. We wonder rie the Council of tronise this new branch - the on. tae ith, Gay doe a dey ondatere “eee ey ave “true and feet likenesses” fd we queen, instead of baying dulirepenpte; ok meron De ee of each one’s dress would be it ton great pity that J. Ls Farerrs, , N. Y., does not live in or him an order to seems 8 9 ls'of al omy gaaiiem ‘the time of Apam inclusi “the particular fashion of the ” of each particular Emoeld bet mmensely i and indisputably authentic. Oh! Spirit of Humbug—for ‘such is our vulgar eyes —we wonder what will be thy next little caper?

OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. ™* Puncn, “ Tae ‘annual emigration is v andl is | ¥eceiving back its travelling i ds of course ‘ima great measure still vacant, and ’ ‘blinds are /in all its lordly iétreets and squares. Such of its Aabituds as chance in town seem jmather more than commonly afflicted with ennui. is apt to eae up blue Srila, an and a Swelladrift in London in ber an ~~ victim to the azure fiends. Curiosity i = pe P visit i s w, L last week walked along it, and met maids. Not a horse was visible as far as eye could rnc, nd he 9 sole Swells oi ee aa one. rd the qlorientl oe diyordinnn presence of two dly on — at “ — ipe stuck “ety the path. P a wore old ‘ them to this sport, and of os pic-nits they rm in the past_season, an elegant amusements they revelled in thereat. “¥ did not tea hem pe, Be bat one can easil conceive the conversation that were bs hes as voted London in October juiced slow, and coi thee it oh wid baw having to remain in it. Poor fish cut of water! course *twere no use talking of theatres to _ T never saw a Swell appear amused by %. acting, and qeoenting tien, ma oe 50.00. 00. saree in She Sensin, doubt if any box-keeper ever gets a — from him. * But the West End is not solely ited by Swells, for there are wise men from the East who have taken up their quarters there. And they and Central Londoners have mostly yrs their homeward flight, and, after some six weeks of a ide life, a few hours at a theatre seem unusually tempting to them. The only question is, where had they better go? and oo they expect to 1. ed by the newspapers, I fear their expectations will my eye down a column of the Zimes, I see it stated t that one one one, play has ‘nightly been received with tumultuous tuous applause,” and another has ‘ duawek an paproeedented § am ee a third has been ‘ pronounced by the entire ‘public t bg va? ever witnessed on the stage. reall igo super, pe ge wag De which is the best; Pa must often throw his Times in despair, and decide where he shall go by measis of a toss-up. a a effect these puff advertisements may have on minds in Reine thay ae ifted with sufficient mental to conjecture. me they are deterrent so than attractive, for puffery in an Cre wil, thes For this reason, may T veut bat oy the are about the only no puff ever emanates advertisements state simply what is to be and what esnarng #4 o play it; and the managers abstain from blowing their own trum very wisely that such blasts are little listened to, and s oe lauded. ne wo to the Dig tod not secng ay tala Ba. onan the Lord Mayor’s and not — turtle. But Mr. Rosson is unfortunately, far too and Emon is obliged to do the Sede boven teManek bie. When ‘the eye is suddenly withdrawn, it is not an easy matter at once to find a substitute, and the ~ ef architecture that makes a house ent on one on Be p mete open to criticism. Mk. Eupen has, however, suc- ceede airly in his improvised attempt, and deserves that due success should succeed to his exertions. The new Jack of all Trades is a — little piece, igs gee — hing ae who’s made gentleman, is exceedingly y EVILLE, whose name is new to London, but w will = I think, be popular. He has a pleasant voice and oe win — ae and when pathetic keeps his pathos hin unds. not, Mz. Nevitte is an actor of ‘me om, at if he exerts himself will prove of value to the stage. Light Comedians jut now are not so plentiful as partridges, and any one a shows a on like a gentleman is to be ‘reloamell and encouraged to very best.” “One wHo Pays.”

ee naneae of A Newsparrr an ‘elaborate account YT that ya i Mot made in ‘the Isthmus some “‘ Wonderfal Discoveries’ a, of Suez. The most curious thi Ps has

for us would be to'see Some of the ‘money turn'up'which Mons. DE been sinking there.

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he aS see ak + ER tia 9 oe,

PUNCH, OR

LTT T vii

Uhh

SS | RYT ae Tite eee! -_

Traveller, “ Porter! Porter!” Echo, “ Don’? YoU WISH YOU MAY GET HIM?”

THE LONDON CHARIVARI. i)

Wil

— eB? ~<a CURIOUS ECHO AT THE SHOREDITCH STATION. A CURIOUS MIXTURE. Ty the news from Spain, we read in Thursday’s Times as follows :— “* The Queen had ordered the Princess Dona Concep- gion, whose illness had been to be treated to the ot fewer than 88 Sees noe cutoned en ts Ge Infante Dow Szpastien, in his recent baptism.” This flood, this drenching of names comes cu- riously after the mention pemmmeaeiany- It is clear, at all events, that Royal chil im Spain are not by oe hom . Poor little son of the Lyrawre Susasrren! it will be a sad tax on his juvenile memory, every time he has to be trotted through his m, for him to recite all his eighty-eight names! Spanish ts, apparently, look upon a child much in the same way that a lawyer looks upon a bill—they calculate the chances of its “ egamaae according to the names it has at its i

/

ate i iA AMS, MMI / y, se Ms

i] { ~, a1 // Mf fi a i — Y y

<a jm : with iil Another Attack on the Gorilla. A NatuRa.ist was explaining to a Frenchman the actions of the Gorilla, but felt an embar- ing difficulty, inasmuch as his supply of not only limited, but anything but Wishing to explain that the rg + revious to rushing into action, was in the abit of striking his big chest, he said, “ Vous comprenez, mongsoo, le savage béte frappe son caisse”’—" Ah! out, parfar he is one drum- mare,” —interrupted the polite Frenchman. But he was evidently puzzled to understand where the beast got his drum. And this is the way that Natural History is written !

* N

MR. PUNCH ON SOME POPULAR DELUSIONS, TOUCHING TRAVELLERS BRITISH AND FOREIGN. Mr. Puncu has lately profited by the rare leisure of the dead season to take a trip across the Channel—Pshaw! why should he disguise the flattering fact, that he has been attending ixcog. the round of Royal festivities, which have lately been peg 4 curiosity of the Gode- mouches, and the s ions of “our own Correspondent.” f course when Mr. Punch receives an invitation from one of his brother Sovereigns he doesn’t think it necessary to blow his roo-too-it over the communication. He knows it is meant in a friendly way— private and confidential in fact; and so he packs up his crown and: sceptre—the famous éricorne and bdton, which may some day figure in a cabinet of our national museum like the relics of a Fritz or a Naporzon at the Tuileries or Sans-Souci—whistles 7ody to heel, hugs Judy, embraces the baby, leaves Shallabala in charge, and drops in at Potsdam, or Carlsruhe, Brussels or Ostend, Compiégne, Biarritz, or even at Plombieres, unannounced and unattended—but never unwel- come. _ Diplomatists and Duchesses ask seriously who is the little man in the great coat with the odd protuberance before and behind, and the hace 3 cocked-hat, from under which little is visible but the gleam of a lightning eye, and the tip of a commanding Roman nose, who rides so well forward with the principal group at reviews, who is the life and soul of the princely pic-nics and parties de plaisir, and who is in at the death at all the stately stag-hunts? How little they sus that these modest habiliments conceal the t Potentate of Public Opinion—whose counsels are more than welcome alike at the Tuileries‘ and Carlottenburg, at Peterhof, and Aranjuez, but whom neither Louis nor LEopop, nor ing pepe icer -tog Margery wine Francis-Josern, nor IsaBeuia, ever dream of saying “ Not at home ” to, when he chooses to knock at their Imperial or Royal doors. But Mr. Punch’s present purpose is not to discuss Royal gossip, or to reveal Imperial confidences. He rather wishes to confine himself to certain points touching matters continental, of more interest to subjects than to princes—and especially to certain points of comparison between his own ‘dearly-beloved fellow-countrymen, and their nearest foreign ee, in France and Germany. re vestiarid in the first place. The Times abuses Joun Buxt, and Madame son Epouse, for going about on their travels got up as Guys— for shocking foreign prejudices, and showing their contempt for foreign opinion, by sporting eccentric shooting-coats, flaming flannel shirts, reckless wide-awakes,—and worse still on the ladies’ part, by the

general shabbiness and ugliness of their travelling toilettes, and head "How, making every allowance for the desperate necessities of news- paper writers in the dead season, and admit} that British travellers —male and female—include specimens both of the Guy and the Gorilla, Mr. Punch must put in his protest against any such wholesale indict- ment as this of his compatriots en voyage. the contrary he is Bae pared to maintain, after surveying mankind from Calais to Calatafimi —dining with comprehensive knife and fork from Parisian Zadles @héte to German Rund-tafeln—bounding on the light fantastic toe from the caucans and Rigol-bouchades of Champs-Elysées da: -rooms, to the waltzes and schottishes of Kursaal es ep circles, from those which surround the marble-topped tripods of the Boulevards to those that crowd and elbow each other about the green-covered and n-girt tables at Homburg, Spe, or either Baden—familiar with all evels of nature and man, from the flats of Belgium to the Alps of Switzerland,—that, as a rule, the wearer of the best travelling suit (for stuff, cut, and condition together), the cleanest shirt, the least raga- = ffin or ridiculous hat, the soundest and shapeliest foot-covering, isa riton. Englishmen turn neater and sweeter out of a railway carriage after a night’s rattle, restlessness and frowst than any other people ; they are more presentable, more like gentlemen, after an Alpine scramble among | lacier and moratne, crevasse and coulowr ; they present better brush air, and cleaner hands end faces and whiter linen at the Zable d’héte | under difficulties, and fal! into less profound abysses of misery and degradation in sea-going steamers, than the natives of any other country, I, Punch, am + ape now of the men. For the ladies—bless them! —I am compelled to admit they don’t understand dress as an art so well as their French sisters. Millinery and dress-making have their home and head-quarters in France, just a$ cooking has; and’ for the same reason—because the inferiority of the raw material makes the elaborate and well-studied dressing of it a matter of sheer necessity. Where Heaven sends us meat (according to the proverb) we may put up with cooks of Old Nick’s providing, and yet not starve; but the people for whom Old Nick seems to have purveyed the meat, must, perforce, seek a solace and compensation in heaven-born cookery. But, apart from their national shortcoming in the art of dress, I maintain that Englishwomen, on their travels, deserve as much said of them as Englishmen. Bless their fresh faces, and smooth hair, and clean cuffs and collars! In these particulars, what French or German woman can hold the candle to*em? I declare, the other day, at Nuremberg, when fairly worn down and ro by the ugliness {| and unattractiveness of the womankind of Vaterland, I thought I

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y's SPR? apa 6 ‘Ss, 22 - OB heer Pr RT ~~ “ FF PE eee Lele el | exuberance, we are sure strong-head doing so, and would confine within safe bounds their crinolineal | bales,” and that it is perfectly ready for the Cotton, of the Confe- | Ooronm 19, 1861.] should have hugged a couple of sweet, sunny-faced, modest English | are making what they think will be considered a great speech; and wanidens who like a burst of sunlight, into the low-roofed, |how vastly in this way Crinoline would help them, it is neodiess' that PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. of the “ whi dust be wi meat by the dressing and = of nt and ritish matron, with all i i worthy Paterfamilias much ground down and | Crinoline would be to the appearance of padlictont tn lmnguages togeth they chose to try and cut a swell in it. Instead of hanging limp and fare at ee looks plain on her travels, and | loose as th Le wore not male Seria, lawyer’s gown, when well iit d y, unless Eisit is dealing ths defects of the | wh what this feat implies, on the of the fo —— of ape aged hae and pull, tthe and tresses, the waddi bl the transport of the batterie de toilette,—who willoay dat, A coq triumphs, is not the a helpmate of the two, whether for home or travelling use? But this I will maintain, that an attractive h-; woman loses less of her attractiveness under the necessities ‘acci- | Ostrich,” under th the convoy of an| we state. Neither need we dwell upon the obvious improvement which our a sowe, and =aney stuck out wi berm ribs and steel, would sit so as to add some- aoe the indifference to uetry and its | instead dente travel than any of her Continental rivals. She ‘has a | for and freshness shout baleenic seems to all soil, : ge From hl ooo a ee drives off the from > 29- om, a a > amass merits an to ele is Tam “Soa eat Toll sn, aro a eb | the world, | mieely ; ‘to ‘hear Mrs. 6 a it vis. oe ee oe en ee orakfat oy eae, the i travellers, and at home the tok mena’ Gn ee with me in tine tease y; irasclin,t e fowni rcl o ivedao aS ee ides how you look in it!” There BENCH. toelf be ‘make fashionable the =o tion we sae we sho ee ae - of te a ead srl asa penes Sr ‘ORINOLINE FOR COUNSEL. rt a : ‘ven eve te & ‘woman's smile. Tit was ats a cls " @y but to study! PLAIN WORDS FOR PLAIN PEOPLE. trust they nerd Sir, @pe @ you’l eseuse the libaty I’m we om Poses, ~ employ a ‘portion won but Me and Jmewy Learaers we reads yer peayper reglar at | ting “up Id that the — q lusnt play no ’speriments, espeshly now is at and «ce we've got ony nineteen Osses at present in our stal Lope as a gy the —_ a —_ ee Mister W. C. ull give aesplanation of the meanin of Me Opie &e. which some learned’ pat our readers by calculating what are now the fine wuds wont butter parsnips, and call a spade a spade and ‘you won't chances of an a every time a counsel puts on Ms stuff or silk, | ¢l! not no more on em by it a shuvel. Suffice it that those chances would of course be much decreased, were * Yours to komand, Crinoline ado a - yong » legal ones, and temp eh = tightly “Jou Swarrnn. | Swi ega. ma, urged indeed mony ‘“ Bad gram to the onrable ny, hich praps Higeron a cause of , and that many a sme. have been you may ave met Us down st mash Artror ‘i and maimed by it. But such mis baps have only | When its amplitude - only - marked — of = hat is od te ing: one’s gown free from twisti round one’s legs; and tho “ b= minded women may like to risk their limbs for the sake of soak Lend us your Cotton.” |. derate Government. We never heard of a ton Loan” before e he not Loses on the advantages of Crinoline, to male wearers | and confess that we have ve —— as to the existence of at least, and when worn within due limits. How it would tend to keep | such an article. However, there is and whe knows the legs cool, and t fro pad gc cettniny be ponans te the be less clear that Crinoline would give a certain air of greatness which ly boasts of a million bales, that it would, out of the | fab 3 lack. We often hear of little find one ae tee -wabetentiod tame ahek aeeebabanosis elieaatie ties the Cat and Bagpipes, and last weak among the tisements we come considering what a | acrost the follerin which we wants you to esplain :— one noline | [7 OPLEMUROMA.—W. C. begs to call the attention of all who have . ? the care of horses to his Hoptemuroma, for the improvement and growth of if they only had the | horses’ feet, to cure and prevent brittle and shelly feet, sand cracks, seedy toes, courage publicly to | diseased frogs, dc. term one hearseom-| NOW me and smmmy we has each on us the care of Osses whic h plaints of “ those some on em at times is libel to bad oofs, and a Nition deal o’ trubble I > nasty stuffy gowns” | Ca2 tell you as they causes of us which we ’d both be precious thankful in which, as fashions for to ear of any Stuff as ud cure M hout and hout, Master e ’d not os present, every | Mind a Button what he paid for it, Bat what I ses ‘to Jrumy, J IM, says ached oe ae a i, I can’t abear them furrm lookin names which if a article be giniwine ead: : al ae why call it somethin Onderstandable, and then one ea there sen! no many learned legs Gammon, Cos this ere Opp plemewremer, I dare say it’s pa bat entangled in then says I why who’s to know it. Maybe you Sir as a Sreir folds in trip. find out what it mean, but Jmm and me and sich we ot well Eadiated chaps, and so ae see we likes plain words ani ping down from hich we knows what’s wot in ‘Oodle, tates but as = Optie- rummy ones chambers rom muremas why they air so much rete to the Una master E’s so cranky ied lawyers would never dream of| We read that the “Cotton Loan already amounts to 1,000,000 tting over-heated in an argu-| that the above may not be ere “plant?” Wehave — ullest of perceptions ; nor can it | one wish in comnection with it, and that is, since this “Cotton Loan trying to look big, when they | America over to keep the peace.

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a ~ SRPe e PUNCH, OR THE WIT AT A DISADVANTAGE. “ Well, Jackson, you are always here for being drunk, so I shall fine you five shillings.” “ Not got a penny, your Worshup.” “ Not a penny, Sir /” “* I got only coppers,—‘ Hot Coppers,’ your Worshup.” [He was most promptly.and most properly locked up. BRITI By Telegram from there the other evening, and was met by the Emperor or THE FRENCH | SH AND FOREIGN LOYALTY. | A MONUMENTAL QUESTION. We believe it is a regulation at the National Portrait Gallery, that a | Compiégne, when the Kine or Prussia arrived | certain: number of years must have elapsed after death before the | at the terminus, Mr. Revrer received the ‘important information | portrait of a:recognised genius, or hero, can be received. If this ensuing :— “‘ Their Majesties proceeded from the terminus to the Palace in an species of quarantine is requisite with a portrait, why not also with a | statue ? e think it is doubly necessary with the latter, inasmuch as o carriage | 9“ . er without any escort, the people shouting by the way, ‘ Long live the Bing ! Long | it is far easier to remove a picture than it is a statue. When once a live the Emperor !’” | twelve-foot monument of granite and metal has been planted in a on Those people who follow at the wheels and heels of Royalty, shouting, | — thor ere, it becomes a very difficult operati es. | are doub sly incorrectly described as “the”. people. They are only j : indeed to dig t up again. me such regulation, like that in force at the Nationa our statues, or else London promises to- become in a very few years. _ some of the people, surely. The class of persons accustomed to express | Portrait Gallery, is, in our opinion, absolutely, wanted with regard’ te | their feelings by shouting must be a peculiar. one. A psychological | inquirer would ike to exist a few minke in the wipqsicnseans of ‘an | 20thing better than a caricature collection of the very, weakest, brazen ividual capable of waving his hat and bawling under the emotion | ™ediccrities. Why, you would see almost greater evidence of talent excited in his mind by the sight of.a prince. Were this practicable, a and worth in any stone-mason’s yard in the New A ! philosopher ‘might so be enabled to understand the feelings of the| _.\s for ourselves, we are perfectly disinterested in the matter. We gentlemen whose figures, brandishing hats, occupy the foregrounds of | should like to see any wild enthusiast daring to Propose a statue to us! 2 prints in the illustrated papers, representing a Royal party on a railway | However, our career has been of that purity and that we feel i, or Royalty engaged in laying the first stone of an institution. | sure a teful posterity would never allow so gross an insult to be paid n this country the arise, no doubt, from it be possible that app cries and gestures of these demonstrative persons | to our beloved memory. Gpesine enthusiasm. - In some other countries can — is sometimes arranged, and hired ? NOTICE FOR A GENERAL MOURNING. Tue Ami de Religion announces that the Count pE CHAMBO about to undertake a to be taken as a piece Rumoured Perversion. Great Chamberlain’ s Office. is |. LN consequence of the demise of his Imperial Majesty, Hien Fone, RD ; : This i Emperor of China, all persons who’ have ch of the tea-pot are Ye fo sain meng In a iaviled to show their feelings by putting a D NT arti tea i into the said pot, and a decent quantity of it, until further notice from } le, oe _ a pe es eos eg = ght ——— those who have hitherto had to complain of an opposite lme of conduct. sarily turn Papist if he were to go over. to Rome. (Signed) Puncu p’EREsBY. William Bradbury, of N Frederick Mullett of No.1 Road West, Regent’s Park, both in the Parish of St. in the County of Ppt thet Oeste Lrmberd Mtr inte Fron in the City of oP Petisked by intm cf No. oo Pleet Serect, in the Pariah of Bt. im the City of

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em. 7) C //

WH TWh V)

= ‘a ill} b ay . Sa Be) Parnrut axp Huminiatine Contrast TO THE DiIsaDVANTAGE OF OUR Poor LitTitE EncLisH TRAVELLER, OF COURSE.

Wa vont the other day, a ray with our wife, we in.a shop window that, there were thereon sale lot “Patent Gravity Selected P tatoes.” The notion of potatoes chosen for gravity us as so fi that we almost lost our own, Ratan poo qrommpecesy, Savi us ee san pig cm # Se ty, a undle o! Bosse pao: ee sedate. A lot of seakale 2 y ‘ite

u f lat : fi i sé 3 ¢ B : ; 3 a5 rit i eae a. a o 2 = & Fe a8 §. Ses the same. we remain e dark about these pa- i pdiaioes : Be. ie \ AEE :

NVICTION.—A con-

firmed young Thief is convinced that “prison isn’t ’ealthy.” He attributes this to the “cutting *air”’ that prevails there

THE ALLOCUTION ACCOUNTED FOR. Accorprve to the Paris correspondent of a daily contemporary :— “* Despatches from Rome ow that the Porz and CarpinaL ANTONELLI have taken to drinking champagne, and the whole world under the influence of that pleasant beverage. a first sight this announcement had the suspicious appearance of a intended to take in Puach—but he is a young man fiom the ¢ country, and you don’t get over him! The Porn’s last allocution, however, can leave no doubt on the mind of anybody that it is A ary ood true. e ii -atrocities which his Holiness asserts to have been perpetrated by the tese Government, and the abusive epithets which he on the fancied authors of those outrages, are ly indicative of the effect of champagne, if not brandy and water. Having black ministers of Victor-EMMANUEL with a violence Sage ves must ‘have been vinous or alcoholic, the Holy Father to vituperate, in the same strain, certain persons in the States of M Mexico, for committing just the same ee oy “ setting,” says his Holi “an example never before seen.” y, by his own showing. it had been set by Ricasoxt and his ro th "This i is the oblivion 0 ither dotage or ; there is too much reason to fear, of the g. The Porz may keep in his cabinet or chest-of-drawers a whole lot of abusive ‘allocutions handed down to him by his predecessors, and may have picked that 0 one which he “ichvered the ahr day out of a pigeon- hole. It is full of stock ap oe i dens of robbers,” “ schools of false I 8 ae 0 = (3 _ ees = a writings, i up e “sidera cali” an r schoolboy’s verses. If it was merely a traditional alloen- poof mar that the Pore was too tipsy to adapt it with any verisimilitude to eg: op facts ; intoxicated insomuch as to make ke a ow t of Medias ot cal like sober, talk about the ‘ of unfinchiog fidelity, ‘of devoted eh oad ni vishal upon him by the Roman oH} _ It is for him that “ Powrrus oe) ee ee a eae ‘ene. pn ag mye eamsthing like Ve which we can imagine him to have turned into Ver’rabsh Frarrah, if the consistory in which he delivered it was preceded by a sympe with AntTonELit ; who at one of these champagne I bouts will pro sig tha coenne head out of window, an proms Be = the City and th the Globe. il and sundry, whomsoever cop hey concern, that is to say everybody :— Impletur vini Campagni Papa, ebrius est lepide, et sibi elegit nomen Clequiten sasadin? ; ‘, to translate the Latin into idiomatic and appropriately accented English, “ Pope ’sh gosh ’sh 0’ Ch’mpagne, *sh jollydrunk, an’ *sh Sshided to call *alt sh shelf 3 sh’ name 0 ‘Cicquor SHEconp.” We will not believe the Pors’s ‘allocution to have been a tissue of deliberate inventions. We will wate that he spoke AA! in his ales and his angers and metheglins, his and cholers and champagnes.

LETTER TO A LADY. Dear Lapy PatMERston, 85, Fleet Street, B.C. Tuat’s a very sensible womanlike letter of Madam, thanking your colliers for being wHend the that they have foun Seg = on. our property, You sap the proposed for Lorp Pasemeron 4 is really busy, and you *ve got stay with you but a are haa § much obli be A forwardly and usband, an put as little nonsense into a gg une yore am Very ’ glad that , ree somes have found coals for you, ope you’ll burn them preety many a Christmas, so I tell you, iad I wish that the women would happy & leaf out of your Letter-writer. Your respectful but affectionate friend, VIscouNTESS PALMERSTON. Ponca. PS, Not a word of French in your letter, bad or good. Thank you, “ Emmy Patmenston.”

“The Diet of Wenme.”.

Bap accounts. of fe. Silk-worms in aj dy <7 te bee fair spinsters have. been Sing, Oe, vey Yor s anh ve Hk highs Se they of turning suing: te ay new le |

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tae be taken to prevent as far as possible the chance of its recurrence? The bare idea of ‘twenty port’ being swallowed down like porter is a dreadful thought for men of meditative minds. One would at least be glad to know that such good stuffs were rightly relished, though one might not get the luck of tasting it o . I would suggest then that a wine class be started m our day-schools, whereby the palates of our poor might receive in some degree a vinous education, that in the case of any windfalls—or more correctly wine-falls—they might know how to smack their lips over a good bottle, and to drink it with that reve- rence which surely is its due. To swill down port or claret out of a _ pot appears to educated tastes a highly Pebenves penn yet here are doubtless thousands of our fellow countrymen who would not hesitate to do so if they only got the chanee. Let us then endeavour to enlighten their crass ignorance, and to teach them how good wine should properly be sipped. To drink a glass of wine so as to extract ighest possible enjoyment from it, and not to let a whiff of the bouquet escape unrelished, is one of the fine arts that requires great cultivation, and only constant practice will enable one to master it. Of course we can’t expect our boors and bricklayers to do so, but we may at least improve their understandings so far as to prevent their mixin pat with tea. Such acts are a di to a civilised community, an for one shall not feel satisfied until they have ‘ : “ Tf any suggestion be thought feasible, I shall be happy to subscribe a few dozens from my cellar, to be used by way of practice ini the class first set on foot. nd if you in your volence will act as the receiver of similar donations, I have very little doubt they will be speedily poured in. = : % “T remain, Sir, yours y; “ Puimorortus Green.” *,” We have not the least a to practise our benevolence in the way desired, and any one who sends us a few dozens of old port my depend that we shall see that they are turned to good —Puncu. account. A Bush of Royalty. Amupst the mob of monarchs that have lately been favouring Lovis NaPo.eon with their society, we think there is one King whom of all others the Emperor would be the most delighted to see in France this year, and certainly his presence would be the most welcomed by the mesninotaring classes in this country—and that is, Kise Corton, from merica. Dirrerence or Tastes.—In taking a new honse, the first thought which of the woman is where shall the piano be put ?—Of the shall be the smoking-room ? F me HOW TO PUNISH SOLDIERS. Tue cat 0’ nine tails clearly has as many lives.as or_it would }. long ago have died from the attacks which have been Page after page, and volume after volume, hath Punch with his in every way to exhaust: and seared it with his scorn, and tried ite vital breath. Tt x ment. e paaered _ Ly ease - marched to the hospital, whence he will military er ws remainder of his sentence so soon as he has recovered from Be crests of This soldier, we are told, had been “frequently convicted,” and no doubt had nearly as frequently been flogged. One infers this from his silent reception of his punishment, which shows that, like the eels to skinning, he was tolerably well used to it. His back, do been med by the whippi it had borne; unlike a bit of which is made tender by much ing. Now, the object of all a pedi caer sale Bye ent Rape ig in way . flogging ever done to so -hardened an 0 ? Where, then, tally persisting in it, seeing that no benefit appears to be to put im prison for more than eighty days a soldier who i i E | Again is i rted by the country, seems to as ienpeens, a eae a tibeeed cnt orci, oe slenene hak tele may there be furnished ogging him; thing that could be done with him would be to brand him i the books as useless and incorrigible, and at once dismiss him from thi service he disgraced. Surely, were it known that ona third or fourth offence a soldier would be thus kicked out of his employment, there would be far fewer old offenders in the ranks: and there would be a saving both of whipcord and of victuals. i i i instead of flogging and imprisoning offenders who are proved to be defiant of them humanity, we ask that’ some such step as we s the British Army from black who disgrace it, and whom the ¢at or the black-hole are proved incapable to cure. A DOMESTIC CALAMITY. Last Sunday, a Fire was discovered in the drawing-room grate of Mr. N. Pecxzr, a large baby-linen manufacturer, in the neighbour- hood of Lamb’s Conduit Street. Instantly the Fire was discovered, the alarm was given by one of the servants, when many minutes did not elapse before the Fire was effectually put out by Mus. N. Pucks, who, in the most indignant terms, declared she would not have a Fire in any house of hers at this early period of the year. Who was going to ish the steel bars ?—she was audibly heard to express her earnest lesire to know. We understand there was no damage done, beyond a ha’porth of wood being consumed; but there is no knowing what mi have been the consequences, as there was a large scuttle bri of coals, not more than a couple of yards’ distance from where the Fire first broke out, The origin of the accident is}not known, but it is strongly suspected that Mr. N. Pecxer was the incendi as he was heard only a few minutes before to declare that “he wished the blazes he could get warm.” The matter, however, has since been hushed up. It is most fortunate the fire ended where it did, as, from the inquiries we have since made, we do not think Mr. N. B is in a position to display the smallest possible amount of assurance, or insurance, either; and in the absence of that, the house , to speak familiarly, have been made considerably “ too hot to hold him.” A Thwack for Thwaites. Q. Of what ‘material, should you say, the “ Board of Works” was composed P ; A. Why, judging from its works, certainly not a great deal. “y’EN MIGHTY PAM.”—Pope. “Tue -Government is a Constable,” says the wise Sypney Smarr, The Constaste is gur Government, says the equally wise Punch. ves

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ae ey tea ee 2 a Abipens peepee BS MPa So es ee

#

H, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART.

THE/RESPECT PAID TO PROPERTY. rite ower,” Gre that “the National a ag, ce pg cape and Kew cores oy of food 0 sia bra | ee to the exact t of —< pen within | Boe as me 0 com wil oo 000600 pope? He we Sam Gan , OF or or shrub, Si toes oe mal hin ier left in any of those

PAINTING THE LILY. WE read that a short time back a Frenchwoman made her appear- ance at the Insolvent Debtors’ Court, who described herself as “ an Enameller of Ladies’ Faces.” It is a source of congratulation that the business yes not a profitable one, for it would have grieved us exces- sively to learn that our beautiful countrywomen lent their countenances to any process that tended to make oom Wpnray aced in the finished manner that Continental ladies rll gy 5 mamel may do very well for the faces in a pack of cards, but r Pag English beauties need not a mr into com Pot the with painted Queens of Hearts; for they are — of gen cde without pio en to any such ye mo as bismuth, or arsenic, or en Moreover, a face that was enamelled well be Hable to to chip, and we have serious doubts whether a lady’s nose, that was in that flawed con- dition, would stand out to the best gy ge even though it were set off, in the way of tasteful uniformity, by the most beautiful of chip bonnets. Then, think of the vulgar remarks that would infallibly be made. Eoney a heavy dragsman saying with the most languid contempt, as Yon thomaeenadh were a a rare specimen of damaged crockery : certainly is one of Nature’s finest bits of porcelain, but what a pity she is Gaipped |”

Specimens of a North-American Examination. Schoolmaster. What do you call the Cotton Tree ? Patriotic Pupil. A branch of Treason. Has it any root ? Patriotic Pupil. Slavery. Schoolmaster. Aygo! is its seed like ? Patriotic Pupil. Sedition. Tue following statement is made a ee for some reserved A TRULY ENORMOUS NUISANCE. Bieta Hal forthe salon and there were none to be had :— - been, sncriiied to--Orinoliae 1 ! The Hall AT ee ee ee ee The: above eg expression of a deplorable state of me wo words for ol = for whi Musrous might inv bes be at somewhat une by have written “ te of" same og aed ty res that of t! the seen teak aed Eee 8 gress measure to t “degree which it stood. af in ‘om era, Mosicvs con- the old elothes of preposterous Place aug dames ! our menees er comfortable excess of ap’ on ©. When HANDEL — om Wis Rane oer omy boasts ap pot ety we na, Hor Ha renee mostra Vv also wears , some cause to cry “Room rhe tg Fito a er ALi a eo Hall are sacrificed to hoops. What a mean contemptible nation we shall be, male and female, if we cannot wore of to reject that edict of ' imperial petticoat gov rance, which not only disfigures the women of but also inoommodes and not only incommodes them, but encumbers, and crowds, us, and pushes them off our stools. «There only wants some sensible heroine to bell, or rather to disbell, the cat, and lead her sex in nm oe he yoke which absolute French absurdity has im their corporeal circumference. that nearly 400 seats co anes by avant bat ) benefit of & i nti aes to dispense hoops for the

it were to be measured by GLORIOUS GALAXY OF TALENT. Boru Prince Napotzon and Tom Tums have been stopping at that magnificent Hotel, the St. Lawrence Hall, in Montreal, at the same | time. Both were tremendous favourites: to say which of the two stood the higher in ae public estimation. If | , we General was more popular with the ladies. By a private General received on different so as not to clash, the Prince and the nights. It was reported that the General had challenged the Prince to give a series of representations, @ Ja Napotzon Bonaparte, in cos- tume, and everything complete, but we can only say that, at all events the challenge, if offered, was never scoepted : and we think the Prince displayed unusually good taste in declining it.

in fact, it would be difficult | ould decidedly say that the

urther, Dr. Commine dec your flock, ye oul stop that sort of thine’ THE ANGELIC DOCTOR. Our friend and contributor, Dr. Cummrne, has delivered a lecture at Manchester on the old subject. He sticks to it that 1867 will see the world out, in some way, and will, at least, be the end of all chronolo and if we exist, it will bein an unchronological least idea what this sort of living will be, or whether it will hart pach ; but one thing is quite certain, namely, that if there is no more time, . reachers not be able to waste time in talking intolerable nonsense. that, whatever oom ag my | be wrought i in us, he, for one, does Ph ee oe cred le ary 0 Dr. ag MING, for shame, Sir! Mock mod esty is a mark of ba: if you did not know that you are an angel already! Ask the fies ro Mesciaklar Flap yer wings, ye ould deluder, and period. We have not t

phrase is one of dialectics. But

(The Pur is patted on the head, and presented with a hundred- bladed bowie-knife by way of prize.

Did the two Sovereigns embrace ? A Vicious Court Circular. Tue Times said a very rude thing, we hope unconsciously article on the interview between the Kine or Prussia and. Ag hayinos OF THE FREencu. It said that the two sov “had got into a vicious circle.” Now Punch, who knows , knows that the may remember what MrmaBeav sai announced that he should now shut up M. Mirapegav in a vicious circle. “What? Is the honourable member going to embrace me?” a leading who fot "know everything when an oratdrical opponent

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Master G. O’ Rilla: as laiede | ‘ ““CONFIRMED BACHELOR. “ Draw! ‘How Snockine ! THERE’s ANOTHER GOOD FELLAH DONE FoR!” »

Cousiis. “ Way WHat’ HAS HAPPENED, Gus ?” Gus. “ Harrewep ! . Way Cuantky Bacshor Gorzs Marrigp/”

; 4" |: “ THE, CHANT OF COMPIEGNE. | Pe! (With a Fashionable Burden.) THERE ’s a downy cove at the Tuileries, But at Potsdam ’s as downy a one : Lovts is not more anxidus to do, Than W1i111M not to be done. As‘ the Baden Conference proved 'a sell, e- *Let,’s try wliat Compiégne will do : . With dinner and dance, with pie- nic and play, - _ The German must. come to! 5 So,we’ll.sugar the web, and we ’ll butter the! < Se! web, But therily only sa = “ T-m,a-young man ot rt e country, But zou don’ t come over me!” a be

says he, at sink ou a lift upon the Throne Of; united Germanié : . ie Au Army, upon.thé Eider, And a Fleet upéii the Spree : I’ll give you Be sppanage Des Deutschen Vaterlan And all I ask of en in exchange, Is a strip of sand! So he pagared the ‘web, and he buttered the | But the fly only said, said he, “T’m a young man from the country, But you don’t come over me! tg ay “T’ll set your foot upon the neck Of Austrian and Dane ; me | Make England’s self to disavow Her own Macpowna tp fain. * Who calls a Prussian blockhead ° As traitor [ll indict: ~ , Vote your eee amvelligent, Yoursiee edie we, an So he sug b, md he buttered the | But the fly onl said, said he, I’m’a young from the country, But you don’t come over me!” . ** The wolf's estou Les be kind Towards his fleecy. fri When how they may hake off the bore Of d ‘he recommends. But ’s debt to‘ France is scored In réed-tuled Tines too plain : |: And we don’t wish to do the'work Of Leipsic’o’er agair So sugar the web, ‘ed butter the web, The fly only says, says he, “*T’ma young man from the country, But you don’t come over me!’ : hon’ rable intentions all th gratitude I hail : But promises to pay are not ite payments on the nail. If fontiies must be rectified, 9 And trenton ni game q ta we dropped our e-a-t e; "Rnd liad a Congress called’? i Yo Wit —_—_—___s__—_

= - - -But-as things stand between us two! All I say is, d’ ‘ye seé,— “*Tma young man froth the - mae % But you can t come over me ! y? é vs 7 you have frontiers to round, ’ve frontiers to maintain : ie ai W {thet my loss I = t — see 5 0 How I can help My; German wits the ae ST he dull, ' And yours are ‘are, I ih But if upon one.rope we | I fear you might \et Then head o’er heels when * was hurled, No more my song would be, “*T’ma young man from the country, But you can t come over me /?,” a ttt

The. Royal Exchange. MownakcHs are generally known more from their military, than their civil osm This may. be one of the reaso every one has | laughed at the notioh of ot the Kure OF aa visiting the EMPEROR OF THE French thétel, to “exchange « civilities.” ‘It is oe something so very new. for eng civil to one another, that. when one gives:thém.-credit for, it... Neus disabuse politicians of their deeply-roo = viction- that, a; King’s visiting-book. and the Civil List are not totally different things.

Iw WVaTAO TWOO LNOdG Aol 1nd ’ eo |

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al ‘V—ss—ag 40 ONTY AGIS-UTAOO AHL «iW UEAO GDNOO L.NOG NOK Lad ‘XHINNOO IHL WOUT NVW DNNOK V Wl, “UNDUTd WOO LV f | ’ * P : eR | itt a, eal'’ ; ae. ibd . yieehl | iif ryt’ Nal Tt li | j Halal Fr manny ay j 5 r ' iy), WAU 1 ss i Me | ; \y A ? ee \ ; y; / i! i 4 ‘ 1 Y, ; 4 ; ' 4.44 4 4 ‘ ‘ 3 : - > on Y } cy TTA, Ns , i ot f ZA. ~ FIA 4 4 Sf i Z ~ 7 vf e atl YB tae My y 4 (LA 4 4/9 ; 4 . &, LA 4 . * ‘ Y » ‘inl a 4 ! hee Vs -— oe g eK a % bh (ome es 3 jf il| Wi Wh, gM Ai y | we 4 WY YF, Vi Bb UYP, 4 ig aS if > WN hp) y Vig Lis J 4 GAN SAA IW LW, fj Vy V4 ty fi oe

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. ns etn Sarees ? Raa Satin

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Reaaens ese any ie rte seer rin SRN i: (he he Ae aes yore -A MODEL MISCELLANY. admirable Roundabout Paper, the Globe peak geometrically ag rook its my Pa mes) . ford entertaining somes oats the eke between ordering Not the least “ae pattractions is its concise . And not the least of the of that summary is the b-hour in which fashionable intelli- relieved, s by general information. You read of Fee in lier Dukes oh next ot fold of the fight of a duck. Roxsvex is. - Scarborough (we in advance, if we err as to a fact show of terriers in Holborn was We learn that Ln Ta eee Fomapory ae gone to attend an agri meeting, and then we are have been noticed crossing the worth are thus inters so well worth knowing, and the com- We conceive this to be a great improve- of fashional . B Ff & ment on the dull string ble announcements, and wo immortalise the invention by offering.a specimen, from recollection :— Mr. Hentey has been I ) d Battleaxe but is to return to his own residence in the course of five or six days or a week at most. The inhabitants of some of the houses in the Regent’s Park have been of late disturbed m4 incessant grow. an unusual description. It been ascertained that this ical Gardens, who evinces much dissatisfaction at the whine of a poodle recently introduced.—Marylebone Mirror. Loxp Rosert Mowtacu has been pheasant-shooting for the last | th week in the neighbourhood of Chichester. “The best way,” says RocuErovcauLD, “of silencing a bore is the going out of Fy sole in the middle of one of his melancholy disquisi- pe ie. DisRaz1t, who is in the enjoyment of excellent health and pots, hasbeen mings short tour im Wales, but expected at Hughenden te on Thursday next “Tt is to observe the um yet complete obedience which | s BES pene) f animal is com to eld the caper of a creature of a ee order. rv enopagl but submissively, animals of a bucolic character follow th @ gic a Vigilant sheep-dog, and receive his prompt punishment of their poste with displeased murmurs tral Gas attempt at resistance.—Farmers’ Chronicle and Agricul. Ps ALMERSTON on Friday last maprciel the a Lemay of ie the Bapilepuppr district, and pronounced a teeing fame the absence of any ‘eats a ge even at seems to be Dreier Geli c rehension that to en been f felt lest there should not be an adeguate supply of butter, this districts.— Mark Lane Loxp Rvssett, after the Newcastle et, at once returned to town, and attended the Cabinet Council on Wednesday last. “Tt may be considered generally true, that a reasonable quantity of silence befits a wise and sane man, but ‘it by no means follows that a box is full Soames the lid is shut down. *_ Carlyle, Pan aranger pee etn nlivess ering a speech in Worcestershire, and in harsh and contemptuous terms of the contbst in America. = a he most childish ‘olly was going on on the other Atlantic, between the horrible trade of slavery on the one cowardice on the other.’ = report of that — institution the Asylum for Idiots has just been iss and it me cages he state its resources are pros- porous, und that owing to excellent arrangements of the architect there accommodation ready for any unfortunate who may me ae A Natural Acquaintance. Ix Groncs Hexsert (Henserr on Herbs t to be aunwingd i tinie ne Bir: Be as heal our flesh, because that they acquaintance there.” not know what herbs they can be that find acquaintance with body, unless they are Simples? Retcetode touching, and flattering, we are sure ! if i wot very Drrricuit or Fuirmment !—Mn. Bowyer declares there are as many good Popes in the Romish See as ever yet came out of it. uld | the Inquisition!” It is thus clear that on a visit with the noble owner of th from a fine old bear in the | make se aye in phrenol heads of criminals exhibit being dwarfed in front and at top, and enlarged below and behind. t is peters a coinciden Such may rast be the case. ce such a pr science, of stifling theological investiga’ enligh on it. fi a picture illust; ike aneil of that in cry Ys, Noau ring the ge age ys a ey LENBURG.’ nothing to say, except that the Apam’s autograph ? A WOULD-BE AUTO DA Fi. Tue good cause of Spiritualism is indebted to the Bisnor or Barcetona. That exem proupery Pt other day, was so as to order three hundred vol various. periodi on the aptine of a i ital eee afm a oe shelves part of the of his episcopal aity: : death are wont to be tin ome f= a a a not le heey wl led of gall an 0 judgment executed ‘upon these works ae di ceremony observed in their destructi —: but gre pay attract fe wor to ulation, ms ht riest and his hs sooaans Fier they ser assailed with storms inp ~ be ot ile, to - oF BARRON ha has not a render Po arancatialon 2 a a of burning the obnoxious en Ses 2 ecclesiastic disposed of certain a them as mere mischi their cremation pw the do of ang fl oe ie hn amen those particular spirits which he believed to be the in § ¢ BISHOP OF BaRceLona is fae oe right man me agi place, and there at the right or three might have got hold of ray authors of the on spiritual phenomena, and have sien the _—s name ° of necromancers sorcerers, to be reduced along with the latter. That would not be so pleasant for Spiritualists as the merely bolical and RL oper martyrdom of burnt in print. As it is the Bishop can, burn nobody along with fortadden books except himself, in burning, as it were, his own fingers. INCREDIBLE HUMBUG. Tue following statement with to the prisoner Coca, who aes | wen, henna tho bthes- dag ot Sh Dillon, Sutleiliter his Aanashane to the last, occurs in the Zimes usual time. “The body, was removed after being suspended the An was afterwards made for permissior. to take a cast of arg ag = oper mn acting on the nicieh al iin Cees tee whten eee ae ie bee Ree @ pro- ceeene War eomnonainny fer Say Sn pey San, Oe OS eriffs declined to assent to it. The reporter of the foregoing must have made a mistake. No surgeon, § could awe expressed the opinion attributed to Mr. Greson. “there are few people who do not think that there is It is a matter of notorious fact that the in general a peculiar conformation, BY ow uestion of some scientific importance whether or no this ween type of head and character implies i Phrenology may be not even so much as y true, but all stuff and —- But whether it is all umbug or not is a question only to be such pro- as taking casts of the heads of malefactors others by ee =a as that bag ghee Greson * ou yp declaring to be unnecessary for any purpose of Such a Aeclaration would hennese 6 a ps bishop, desirous is ae un of any tened surgeon, the minis ee nal tun interpreter of Nature and truth: GREATEST LITERARY NEWS EVER HEARD. ** Lorp AUCKLAND, the Bishop of Bath and Wells, is ‘preparing for the public a selection from the EDEN papers. Tals news is op acigunding Shas ie. bog no remark to make There is said to be of an ancient German . nal attention, a box lettered “ pane hte But the Eden. pape en ae isa lL Sa) ag aad La

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THE SCHOOL. FOR SOLDIERS. TO TWO PRINCES. Exizs of exalted station, Go, in the cannon’s mouth, Seek the bubble reputation In the war of North and South. If, above mere murderous fooling, Ge and ge a martial chang in a strife that ’s to you. Qualify yourselves as leaders, Ma | for a future day ; ising upon : Game as fai Conscience sleeping, late Licensed cut-t If you’re , yj = FJ hidtiiiii LMS Uj ; S hdd diiid sisal Uh ffi i L// Lil Sa lan af, >) OG) You ’Il rejoice to fall with glory ; Smile in dying, red with sin ? Bravos tell a different story yr When in pangs of death they grin. Heavin of desperation, Crushed by shot or torn with shell ; All their hope annihilation ; Weigh the other prospect well ! Some Persons are Never Satisfied. | A Poor simpleton was eee. gags J of a large sum of | money that he had lost through a friend, when the com- panion, into whose sympathetic ears he was ing Soe griefs, inquired if he still retained his friend ? bce being answered in the affirmative, the philosophic advice was, } “Then, be content, my dear fellow; you can’t expect to Excrrep Juventus. ‘‘ Oh, Uncle dear, do dance with me—it’s only a Galop !” have both your money aad your friend.” unaggravated by an liarly impudent demand upon your purse, you MR. PUNCH ON SOME POPULAR DELUSIONS. come ashore, \abournig under a lively sense of the socked ai personal TOUCHING TRAVELLERS BRITISH AND FOREIGN. inferiority which it seems the object of Continental railway manage- ; ment to impress upon you. You have been “ chivied,”’ first of all, through Mr. Puncn asserted last week, and is prepared most honestly | the dwreaw for the registering of your baggage. This may be the less and earnestly to maintain, that ish travellers of both sexes are, as | infliction to a large cum of Continental travellers, as they can exist for a class, the best dressed travellers to be met with; but he anticipates | long periods on an infinitesimal allowance of shirts, socks, and under- more cavil and question of his second ¢hesis, that the English are, as a ents generally. Mr. Punch once knew a German professor of rule, the best mannered travellers, and treaters of travellers,—at least Sarcpenn reputation, who made a three months’ round of English in comparison with our nearest Continental neighbours, French, Bel- | country-houses with a little bag, not larger than'a lady's railway reticule, Germans. Italians and Orientals are both, inherently and | pour tout bagage, and there was no reliable record of gians, an paring TER RS instinctively, polite. _ ; ._ | washing bill the whole time. But PaTerramriias can’t carry Mrs. P. Such is the conviction which has forced itself upon Mr. Punch in | and his two daughters about the world on a carpet-bag. The family have the course of a cosmopolitan experience. There are two things which, agai in favour of clean linen and plenty of it ; and the ladies, for the 7% on his ‘anding from the Channel steamer, he invariably hails at Dover mes mnay say of them—are not guite above feminine considerations with intense thankfulness and satisfaction; the first t of malt | in the matter of bonnets and crinolines. Well, take that registering of from the pewter, and the first quarter of an hour of an railway. | b: to in with. Can there be a greater and idler nuisance ? People may complain, and with reason, of the recklessness of our | Folks talk of the security and comfort of the thing! As if there was railway management. No doubt we do start trains too quickly on | not just as much security ensured by the blue or pink ticket which an each other’s heels; no doubt the on is too fast for | active porter claps on your portmanteaus in two seconds on a British signalling or signal reading, and the horrors of a ,, When it does | platform, by help of paste-tin and pound-brush (I wish, by the way, bo come, are terrific; but Mr. Punch, all things weighed, would | weren’t quite so liberal of their paste at London Bridge and Paddington rather risk a smash on an ish line, than crawl in sorrowful, | as in all the Continental apparatus of Bureaux des Bagages—the or savage safety on a Belgian, German, or French one ; and this, not | delay, and the long range of inaccessible counters, and the extortionate for the advantage in s only, or mainly, but because of the ineffable porters, and the hustling, bustling, shoving , and weighers, and superiority of our English railway system in every point that affects the | uniformed officials shut into wire-safes, who contemptuously take your traveller's comfort. And first and foremost (which b us to the | money and push you out a receipt; a “ scheine” as they call the document int of this Essay) because of the comparative good breeding of | in Germany, and manya shine | have known raised lish travellers and railway officials of all classes. é some slips of limp paper, which will keep rabey ne te . You are fresh from the chafe, say, of one of those wearisome wander- | possible corners of your pockets, or getting into ings to and fro in a network of lines, in which you have Riding themselves in unknown compartments of your hustled from carriage to carriage on a damp samning (perhaps after a | if they preferred any refuge to the hands of a foreign night of railway travelling) once every half hour, on an average, between | and t am not surprised at it. What rational man or woman ever echlin and Lille, with Tg pg recurring halts of ten minutes, but | needed more security than is given by our simple and unceremonious— no stoppage long enoug ‘or a meal; or you are still bleeding under | ready, but not came fir =» system of receiving; ti and dis- the écorchement infli upon you in one of those unconscionable ing of luggage? And as to trouble; as to the buffets (I need not name names) between Paris and Calais or Bou- =e j to nervous old gentlemen, or unprotected logne, where you have been made to pay a franc for a pear, or a franc | systems respectively; I maintain that the , and a half for a roll and a basin of warm water with a greasy scum on the | worry, and waste of time over the | at the surface, called a bouillon. ‘ i a railway journey is as fifty abroad, as five at home ; But, in the best of cases, even if your journey has been unharassed | confirmation of my proportions to every traveller, young or by of carriages, broken by rationally-arranged halts for food, | or female, strong or weak, cool or fidgety,—who knows

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gest point which he can po his burden p, and so on) comes haughty men i $, and scowl go yg. end inet co ane i and then, when i il take the hindmost is as ae or goon uniform. ote & is a self. Ror fe you are treated as gland - pf bon pe feel you are a human ead of your own. Se irentiy to our very subject, ers abroad and at home. For, Folie in cess as it is politely dealt with If it be “ Gently comes the world to those | erp bapery mypdierapddl ry it nt free, that cory only give begs mist who ate powers poopie uu a is impossible Fe a Wrench ov Cormen teavsiier, who is babi to feel that Rk os MUcuisc tas haber nicmed Tack 1 Otice, pn orders him in and out of the Bureau des and the waiting-room—orders him into Dag ging a Pan oe oracle dyed pry —orders him out of it—orders him in f = oars © end of ae journey—it is im- possible, I say, for ies oppressed and uniform-ridden foreigner, not to vaeet on you or me some of the insolence which has been showered When in Absolute kicks Fag down-stairs, Fag revenges himself by kicking scullery-boy. nay be other reasons, ut Mr. Punch knows none in his belief so operative as this, to account for the fact (for fact it is) that your average railway traveller on a French, Be or German line is apt to be selfish and sulky, always ready to a march upon men and be impertinent to women ; that his voice is loud and hars provocative and owt his way of getting in and out of the tae wis be ron 6 0 tees fh) ibs his way of diggi Spend vente s set out, an ad hs general com rtment and behaviour at : and for the act, which t beyond dispute, that the | bearing ‘of most ish travellers is the most perfect contrast to this ; oa self. ~ ees es them as a oaks deferential, soft of voice valrous to ready to concede to men, and if sometimes stiff and silent, nev bay ony, braggart, brutal, or bullyi No need be said of the contrast inion the officials with whom | # the trav comes most into contact abroad and at icone because this os be kent hy every person who has ever travelled by a Continental an goes so far, that when Mr, Punch lands at Dover he feels as if he pea Lage > m a region of coercion, self-assertion and rudeness, to a reahn of ind ence, self-restraint, and good b Itisa positive pleasure to him to ask a question of a railway guard, or a service of a way porter. ie eee ad get a civil answer, in a soft voice oe ready help and arm. People may say that the expectation ofa a er tip” hind at the m of both. + Baath A can only say he finds the foreigner, in and out of uniform, quit a end for |= the “tp, ” but that it does sof produce in his case the equivalent in - or iccim And with this avowal ‘of his faith, he pulls up for presen’

much as ae this i fuel not aoe the retire good true, as of

bE. PRE.

‘A Joke Shrouded in Mystery. Some one was mentioning in the Smoking-room of the City Club, that ‘was so Sadie intone odeareon te Francs fi for a few fa Tet 2 intended, none a the Honourable Member can us, however, give Sm Hewry the benefit of the doubt. It

relaxation. “Then, I sw » said Sim H. Muee: “he’ll|. Ir is now proved, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that the poor go to St. Homer?” Now, whether this accident was re gl ocent, ren rs who riveted’ his affections on the Lady in the Lobster, is HORRID MURDER OF - MOZART. eat ten

bass, ‘whilst “the phrase of this hay wd bar i is ' by way of introduction - ‘Il mio Tesoro,’ the a away in unmeaning an unoriginal emb a man is this M. pz Vos? Not a nice a an the greatest man that ever lived, except * him that hath no music in his soul. For such @ has no in his soul. His music, such as he has, lies in his mere acoustie of perception, and not in his soul at all ; and i it i seer doubtful pable of adulterating and diluting M OZART, being # brute a creature ca has any soul whatever. A musician of genius will take @ common tune, and weave the con- ceptions of that genius about ft. A DE Vos —— upon the thought of a aes composer, distorts it, disfigures it, an d disguises it with his own quavers and senseless crotchets. ©, Mozart! O, Buzr- novax | | ‘Thus does conceited irreverence and musical stupidity make a os of you! Sic Vos de vobis/ produces strains winch are not me. uous,

THE FORTUNE OF DRILL. Foots are not to be trasted with firearms. The statement of this

tren io Seubre® one ae oor teer drill which = toe week in W the 4th Staffordshire n by Mason Drow the the Government Inspector for the , under the eye of Lorp Hartuerton, Lord-Lieutenant of the agen See See a -firing, ATE Bacay, of the T Company, was in the ri t hand. The wound is supposed to have been occasioned unfortunate above one of % persons to whom the truism 0 lies, and who was his rear free fom Mr. Bacauy was 0 to ave his fourth finger smupel sad to lose 8 of the back of the hand, poor fellow ! eae ene eared that his third finger will also be lost through the clumsiness or carelessness of his rear-rank man, who is not to be trusted with firearms. ; Accidents will occur in the best regulated corps; but in any corps that is at all well pyre being | but se drill of the gallant 4th hire Battalicn. as the Zimes further relates, a man’s eye was shot out che arenas. This Battalion, therefore, wants ting—to wit, by the elim bers thereof who are accus to shoot their comrades’ hands off — eyes out, and the formation of these military muffs into an awkward to be drilled with instead of rifles in their rg further notice. Volunteers are of course prepated to expose t to breasts to an enemy expert in the use of firearms, but not to lose their ee ee the shot cf comrades to whom such weapons ought not to de CO e

Our Hanwell Telegram.

\is more generous to suppose that he never intended it as a joke.

“< PenpeNntTE Lrre.’’—A Chandelier.

f ’ .

[RSA i hd Ay Ss par te ee We NT UI A Ss SOO Na a

Uf eit en ea an ta

SRR pra A iat

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co of Sac 4 “4 Sere wre “ge wens sc + J . > oe ss tik um tia a ae 1 Aciz. Hiserntan, “An illigynt Cotch, yer Honowrr !” PUNCH ON THE PYRAMID. tting inte peouniey difficulties, and. the extraordinary rise oat the ean has only Dithek wonidieefuse into’ more Hot water. ge who holds that the Emperor ouldirefuse;to.steétch forth his han to assist.a.virtuous nation in distress,-is;unworthy the name of Annex-, andér the Great, is stated to, wo wpe pps pr Louis Nirotzon s handsom: Saw eens as;.the humbler classes phrase it; no one.can speak Pharao . let ;Egypt look Outahe ve have ,to pay for’ his! hicnde ip. does not want a river for a frontier, there can >he;no doubt of thet, because ‘she has expressly told Prussia as much: : e Egyptians tay safely sing, “They shall not:have the’ Nile ;’ ” and if they have not usic to t words,:we happen‘ to know that the executors of an d-master. who served in a certain little affair im: 1798, can farnish the Pacha with’ an a te mélody.' But suppose it should occur to the Tuileries that, ‘in, order to-complete: the try, of France, :she. wants: the. et hs of the Pyramids! Let not Earp neglect the significant warning: nas ppibdeal the ‘Paliets near’, them; as a hint. The Luxor Ee ed ete ee cee sonia? | 00) ex id.of upon the e At pret the Hlectod’ bs only'races there, and Arabia gives him but not quite, with less. of. bottom right... But:somebod welcuall Wikot Only for the soar Rr the marr of we not ‘O or the marvellous, but es eeag e eag onest, in the’ po! of the: deceased’s respected Nesin, Seite Het foriaine: op ead her more senses than pn is eye,and not read hieroglyphies by the ‘light of Parson gas. which \; near thas of: pofcopaed, tt seldom mo fonid a all id something: a A Heroine that Wants Belding Back. Tue Bavarian en) ee the ‘Amazonian: Qos or Nar delight in clin lier \““ idinn von Gata.” . So painfully at f her antics this much-bepuffedaind ae FC do think it oe ta be all the better for her ifahe were it in(n) j Pacha.' he} noth pratiog eye GERMAN ‘NAVAL INTELLIGENCE. We have every reason. to, believe that the German authorities are’ fully alive tothe exigencies of the present crisis,-and ‘to. the ‘necessity, of atonce furnishing to’ Germany'a fleet adequate” to* her wants. ~ For several one past it has been observed that’ unusual’ activity has pre-. vailed in the two Célebrated toy-shops in Holborn aiid Fleet-Street, and. several foréignéts Of remarkable appearance have been'seen looking in, at the windows of those establishments. _ The propuitors, of course, deny that omy extraordinary se erations are going, Che ‘ota this* diplomatic reserve can ome Bri one who is acquainted be. trae to tex practised and by, the’ Gefman ‘mind hardly be ‘for. that nd“ Love than five mortars; each’ alt ble of carrying @ swan-shot, and-valued at 3s: 6d. havé disap appeared f m Mr. Hamiyn’s stores, and when Wwe cotiple this with the ecldratiar h at Hamburg that. gun. boats aré”a necessity, we leave’ the” “deduction to USSELL ahd. the British nation.” ‘It’ will'nét Ue bine that after the’ noble effort of a-heavily taxed people like ours to, ‘a fleet for our’ protection; the sittister athbition of Gérmany’ s I be allowed to eo I the sea with ships that’ may metidce . the inependenite! ‘of Europe.” * abi do not’ accuse our Mifiister’of béiig blind to. circumstances, have “reason ‘to #yoi~ that a young’ representative ‘of’ the“ house a Russ&11 has had ‘a récent interview. with otis if not both of the e toy-makers in questidn, and it~is rumoured that ‘thete was faker aw: e somet which ‘might, :without-offending German 6 English ‘suscepti ity, allow the F reign’ Mihister to form his’ own ju — of the. naval strength of y., “All we say is, te demanded‘ wlitte ‘hostile* ions assume @ séale of ress infimitesimality. t ~~ > t AN UMBRELLA IN. THE HAND-IS WORTH A NUMBER IN. THE STAND. We see there isjadvertised a ‘“ Rotary. Umbrella.”: : This may be: useful ‘in the event;of losing one’s ,paraplme, for there’ may be a cirenm:, bendibus chance then of its coming round — its original owner. ; A Momenzovs. Question.—The Bdncations] pine, Poa La te ieiaaiaanii ss calamaieaian mAs SS oe 4, a8 co ©

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. = =————~C«<BS

aes SO L,;,

“THE PERFECT CURE. AS PERFORMED AT MR. SP-RG-ON’S NEW CANTERBURY HALL.

THE RIVALS IN THE ROPE-WALK. Tue adjective tender is y regarded as inapplicable to the person and profession of the aed of the Law, but tender the noun | substantive, in the subjoined extract from a Glasgow sapere, a ap- pears in connection with two gentlemen of that unpopular calling : “Tus ConpEmNeD Convict Frazer.—No word has yet come from the Home Secretary as to the fate of Frazer, the man who was convicted at the last Circuit Court of the murder of M‘ aodentions by oe In the meantime, the authorities, we believe, have and two 5 ime spelen sentence kg any dey na Fn mma The fc former states that he will perform the By at his usual fee of mien bens hae Fagg oa of tra and other —_ inclu first-class to do it at about half if the sum, and third-class cial fee prea mag besides e recommendation of cheapness, seems to be a than CaLoraFt, and sends several respectable references.” ms anxious to carry into effect the mdon, and THomMas ASKERN, Maltb The writer of the foregoing ph describes Catcrart and as “anxious” to carry out. the yomry passed on FRAzER. What was the nature of their ey to hang that man? Do they practise their profession con amore, and rejoice in executing malefactors ? are they accustomed to finish the lier ost as it were with a will? Or is the object of their anxiety merely the pecuniary consideration to be earned by rns man to death ?—are cers anxious for a job simply as a recoaba bapa Be at adhe ? The fee of a is a sum which may be Rano with reasonable anxiety. It exceeds that of a nar rey, Y is tens times as great by the tariff of Cavcrarr, the conduct of eying = trying to undersell the old ack Keron by offering to take half hire, eo ae third railway fare, ot yl no oa be a be imate, by hangmen in as unprofessional and the public, however, t recommendation of of Cheapness on ee at of an executioner will be regarded as a very great one; for the principal argument in favour of

ital p peat es 6 is the cheapest way of disposing of a fellow capi who is for no In what consists the alleged jority of AskERN over CALCRAFT in education? Jack Keron may to ata Wha was th of of paenee eee one about a throat very for all that was the Mr. Askern’s respectable Perhaps the: testimonials of his moral and religious character, Lt pat ipn be deportment, obtained from clergymen and others, and certificates of his professional oa, from medical men. A decent w well-behaved and adroit ving the recommendation of - Semmens, is — preferable to a fart and clumsy one, even for the county rate- As the office of Jack Kercu 1s, at the lowest rate, one of eonaier et ok and education is af t em as sg rs or it, perh be rendered com, ve pe ination as «Tepartment of of te Civil Berviog Readers who may sympathise wi “ anxiety” of Messrs. Cat- craFt and AsKERN to throttle Frazer, ee be sorry to learn that those artists were cruelly disappointed by the that the convict whom they desired for a victim, was provokingly reprieved.

KING COTTON’S REMONSTRANCE. Necro Metopy—* Poor Old Ned.” On, I once was free as air, I could travel anywhere, To my Manchester well welcomed I could go Now I 7m bound by a blockade, and in prison T am laid, Tho’ I ruin those who keep me there, I know. Burden, Then lay down the rifle and the bow- -ie knife: and take up the “ee and the hoe: Cease your fratricidal war, and let King Cotton go once more To the countries where King Cotton ought to go. By the Navy of the North I am kept from m going. forth, And to smuggle me all efforts are in_v: While the sages of the South hope by Burope’ s cotton drouth Intervention in their favour they may gain. Burden, Oh, lay down the rifle, &c. To North then and to fo I yee by ay his mouth, To cease fighting and to set. King Cotton free Blood and treasure both may waste that can never be replaced, But they ’ll ne’er be brought together, save by me. Burden, So lay down the rifle and the bow- Pe. knife: and take up the shovel and the hoe : ap ur fratricidal war, and let King Cotton go once more Cn o the countries where King Cotton waits to go,

“THIS IS NO MINE AIN HOUSE.” Tue French Swells have hit upon an invention in the carte de visite line, intended to prevent imitation by the masses. The lucky possessor or lessee of a country seat, has a view of it, photographed on his cards, and uses no ests tion whatever. The portrait. system has become 7a = igs ny y has a a, or what ys a stretch of courtesy may te called one. But few people, comparatively, have country seats. So here is an invention = the exclusives. We shall probably see it ul} adopted in England. Eaton Haw will call upon Castiz Howanp, and Hontanp Hovsz leaves a card with apy oo Lopez. The plan, however, will necessitate the binding huge series of Country Houses with one’s “ Where Is It?? Ea it ‘vill awkward to make mistakes, and hy Smee the photograph on your hall-table is Broap- LANDS, When it is HUGHENDEN MANOR, or vice versd, when you are in ¥; | hopes of being invited to the counsels 0 your Sovereign by the party leader, and equally awkward to go flourishing about a awe of what used to be called Denman Priory, and showing it to your friends as proof of a visit from KNnowstey or CuatswortH. There will be no mistakes about Mr. Punch’s cards ; first, because he never leaves any ; and secondly, because the immortal window in Fleet Street is as w known as the front of the house at perce pp tere tt Bh big he recom- mends to his Swell friends, if they intend to adopt the plan, course of careful study of what Mr. Disrazti in Popanilla c coly calla * the sciences of Architecture and Parkitecture.

“O No, we Never Mention it.” HavixG, probably, mislaid his almanack, and him to indicate that he was in a Christian country, Times Correspondent in America inadvertently went out a tee 3 A He was intently See and fined. Had he bered the day,‘ the indiscretion have been almost Quixotically gallant, for anything connected with guns on a Sunday must be so very sore a subject in the North—since Bull’ 8 Run.

VOL, XI. ‘ r

Page 178

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ro een doffed the canonicals: for pateee, ty blenoning Bist ey A CLERGY RELIEF oan “eg D De BT ig eo the “name of the Rev. Dipymus VEALz, are at liberty to ‘Another pce wg ‘of the Abandonment of Orders Bill, | . ance oes should it beoome law, is the relief that it will Fikey: to the ug! for whom, with their > gem : iv. Min envisan d' the Clerical Aid - | thankf ecelve an vietuals. ‘The contemplated cnactent wif ent pae to -| become erran unnecessarily called commissionnaires), drive a cab, aceept the situation of gamekeeper, butler, or Y|any other suitable to their and incli- all, an wering clergymen to -| exchange the cleri ee = Ning or any ny oe a nae, will leave ‘i who im amy respect disagree with. ormularies of the Chureh no-exeuse for continuing to “a he | | = bread. no doubt we shall soon see not Thirty-nine Articles and | only rin etre is too broad for the ibed. , 80 forth; but they believe | limits anfrocking but shall also behold a speedy some of it fee) tee all those partisans of Hig’ with would, if they co Church and Low Church: whose views are at all draw from the minis- Hower tham that intermediate standard from w they of the Established | differ just half as widely as differ from me other. C urch without seceding | When they have all their benefices it will be from its pale. Like M Mx; | time enougit to: consider question—What shall we do Macwavent, they would | for parsons ? be glad to exchange their position for that of a pro- per place and an honest calling. But, once a waysaparson. The| A Burs ix i Bite a character is inde- a* House of ble, and it is legally in- | object eonsistent with many if not most other odien | hook-loops to If aclergyman resigns his | | people are preferment, he has hardly | in try any other means of getting a living. By the proposed measure for the relief of | off, to conscientious clergymen, an ex- -parson wi be allowed to enter the Army, or any strong d other department of H»r Masesry’s Service, to go to the Bar forensic, or keep a | | tality,” i hy: public-house ; in short, to do anything my he likes. ghey is able, to earn subsistence | offences in nace capital ; pac ng second ary mm a lawful way. A clause will, of course, introduced to prevent any scandalous | punishment wil = proposed measure, be provid or eccentric person from retaming and Andee an ecclesiastical title after having ' for the brutal o

“MAY DIFFERENCE OF OPINION,” ETC. into the street. The allusion to the Square du Temple is lucky because it reminds Mr. Punch that duri ae pleasant afternoons of Sartu the Opinion Nationale, upon the comparative facilities |the year, the gardens of Ais Temple, t ough rivate property, are afforded by Paris and London to the anaes of their meeiiation, when | thrown open to the children of the metropolis. The squares generally

recreati fresh a are simply the private gardens of the houses around, which houses | the latter desire ion inthe air: have no other gardens attached to them, and therefore the compen- | “In our new and delicious gardens ob Basi tho Aliefited Oib-ct someones sation is given in the area, and it would be as reasonable to ask any ee pas ~~, == ata of joy patural to infiney wie | dweller in a smug villa to throw his garden eae to claim the cams, Gp anethep caumiadae dethad of tae family. What —y a squares for others than the house-owners submission to say were these little el ie -clened to all but a couple our French critic (and if this is the EMPEROR, who is praising his own numer anne PAE parents iy st c, pate a ya are —— Ege and ek : | aeween: raising, he —— that he A ty as When a ——= cept fi ates ab Lenton we will back the Tay of our people r m are or the a Swe" ——. Lor health, morality, and recreation to . _— anything Paris can show in that way. In most show-things Sivesbens end aenmreat ; p= hy Fs Pm gine ens a F look | She beats us hollow ; but we not only do not know that we are beatemin into it, “Bome benevolent, perwn’ demanded of the ‘Parochial authori Get this arks, but know that we are not. As to the potato-peelings which we unfrequented square shoul be thrown open to the public, tat obtained only a ing at the heads of Lords, that is an affair of our own; per! 0, haps the peremptory refusal. A ple thus treated is a@ thousand ee | Ethough fom time to me : taro poteto peais ot ta*bead> cf ade whe Lords like it, at all events they never mention it. The freedom of _~ them, although the A it pases aristocracy | Press is a sore subject with a Parisian, on it would be caricatures of —— are engraved.” —0, rod. -Opintons Mat ~ er answer this charge. But we must assert and asseverate t considered, and in contradiction an the Opinion, we are Free, pt Now, in the spirit of these remarks, so far as fay advocate the | Magna Charta is not ropeniod even by the denial of permission to the Peek as many gardens as possible to the people of London. = ublic to walk among dead cats mf sallow lawyers in Lincoln’s Inn ‘uach cordially concurs. But when the Opinion comes to de Fields. The only par “ which the Master of the French surpasses opinion is like a good iting iB other’s opinions, erm en on igno- us is a Park of Artillery, and that is a park which we don’t want to see rance. There is nothing aris to equal, either in pe yo or extent, | opened for the people—or on them. the series of parks which are open to our people, and any one who ie ee ee even ) ~ Boulogne whose grass om elig c ” can walk without a stern order from some sentine : : Scottand! to take its little feet and “transports” off the sacred sward) with the The Best English is Spoken i glorious glades of Kensington, would simply talk folly. And as tothe| We mean boldly to declare that, in many instances +‘ “<= not. go mother mending the trousers of the family in the gardens of the| so far as to say, all) the Scoteh speak better English than the con- Parisian people, Mr. Punch would be sorry to destroy so pretty a| ceited English themselves do. For instanee, they renannes wid a ge pe pom and te v Pench +o ne monn * she bee its | wi Reg x ok " ne is os, he very face of me that “weedow,” many days since Mr. Punch, in the vo a mn x correct. | decent mechanic, with a bundle — he ht one 2 been’ Pe es aa take to the mother of his family gar ot fe eae ms - pest oe Mt that “echani instal dar dated aman = Puapeney oF ¥ tenn ge eee 7 is quite a prize pattern, if wi es a , and actually ” a thout erose-stitch to enforce the nau cole Cok Gite ana tata i ~ =" seh age Paes 38: pearnae .

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i hes fae ii A ee nye dis bal Reeser} a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL A SWEET THING IN BONNETS. HE new fashion- of _bene- teats. This is at present filled by a dahlia, or some other or- nament, which, at ‘a little dis- tamee, looks like a soldier’s pom- ful inventions of the kind, comes, THERE aARE SOME PEOPLE WHO WOULD THINK THIS MODE OF of course, from WEARING THE WAIR BATHER TOUSLED AND INTOXWATEP, Pano Would BUT IT IS REALLY PRENCHY AND COQUETTISN. . : . it not be advis- able to fill the room which it leaves for decoration with the Imperial unless rican loyalty should prefer the Royal Arms, . Dahlias, to be sure, are seasonable just now; but if this presemt fashion of bonnets should last tll next sprine, the vacaney new by the dahlia might be occupied by a 8 nest, with eggs in it, open to the spectator, which would attract great admiration. em' OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. “ Dear Puncn, “T Bezeve there are existing a clairvoyant class of critics | th who can describe a ormance without having attended it. Were I gifted with this faculty I should fill my present letter with an account of Mr. Fecurer’s acting as Othello, detailing most minutely the chief ints in his conception, and carefully narrating how he worked it out. at as I have not yet seen him in the part, and have not the gift of critical clairvoyance, I must postpone for the present an account of his rformance, and content myself with thinking that, from all that I can hear, there is very little need of my hurrying to witness it. Whether it will have as long a run as Hamleé, while the public are so fickle, it is not to pee: but so great was Mr. FecuTer’s success in his first effort, that curiosity alone will cram the theatre till Christmas, and doubtless admiration wi ry after fill the house. “ Folks who say the taste for SuaxsrzaRe has died out have abun- dant proof just now of the truth of that assertion. Before these words are — our theatres in town will be devoted to his works. V. Brooxz has journeyed all the way from the Antipodes expressly to Bey, SuaksPeaRs for a while at Drury Lane; Mr. Booru is acti lock and King Richard at the Haymarket; Mr. Fecuter wit Princess’s ; and last, and not the least in my HELPS at Sadler’s Wells has red again as jottom, and they who have not seen him are advised hereby to go. On the whole I like it best of his Sh mg my and rank it far above all other em of the character that I have ever seen. The m cuteness and obtuseness of this very prince of clowns, his dull-brained stupidity and important self-conceit, are admirably shown Mr. Pueps’s rendering: while the pe that pervades him in s with Titanta fitly carry out the notion of his being in a dream. I think his exit on awaking, when his, ass’s head has been removed, is one of thé best bits of comic by-play ever acted. He goes off thoughtfully and slowly, feeling in the air for his long ears and nose, which he cannot comprehend quite how he can have lost. With his dull dazed sense of something unusual having happened, he needs some evidence to help him to reflect upon the matter; and having in his memory a dim glimmer of the past, he is puzzled that no tangible remains of it are left to him. “ T looked in at the Princess’s a night or two, and found a fullish audience enjoying the new comedy, and laughing in a way that must have satisfied the author, whose innocent pursuit of flirting under dif- culties was the chief cause of the merriment which I was forced to share. Laughing is infectious, as everybody knows ; and one can’t sit grim ha loomy in — mney | — ~-_ pe egg ee is ea e. Playing wi is full of obvious al i- ties, ~ a good deal. of the fun im it is overdone and forced; and growlers might object that five-act farces are not comedies, although it seems the fashion now to give them that fine name. But critics may a dead weight. A the | ne eT eee Ma. Wream G. | studio be lenient when an sudiense io mineged, pretiaes giusw® that 20 ness is used to win a laugh, the slightest trace. Of the acting Mr. Brovenam has greatest share ; the other parts are fairly filled and demand no special comment, except that Mz. Jonpan (from the New York § nderous and beagio, 10.7 inking, for the piece. in comedy a man’s voice in his boots; and they who undertake what ’s called the ‘heavy business’ shomld keep their ponderosity from g, : e : E ith his wife is nightly pleasing rs spel co pedi a on iy Arca and neatly he will work up a slight 4 a sequence of natural events, Les Pattes hece, dorap of Paper ives abundant L cies Flimsy as are, such pieces need fet ; which is relished the more y as one sees —Primagtion — we interest, » alee. : — every point. No one oa © Mr. Wiean in the smooth and polished mB such plays as these require ; and Londoners who can’t spare time eouldn’t comprehend the: French plays if they did, may see at the St. James’s somewhat of their beauties, and somewhat to the details of the scene. t Reg he org feed Swe ee given for their acting as thai ashiest of farces (to my thinking ; I don’t ask for probability, so long poi fm be fun; but { fancy, there is neither one nor other, and it s ave persuaded into laughing at it, seeing that they mostly have some brains in their * Ong Wuo Pays.” PLAYING AT CARDS. We are told by Ze Sport, which is @ kind of Brench Bes Tif, minus, of course, the prize-fights, that new sort of visiting-card | just been introduced by a sporting . Its distinguishing feature is the total absence of name and being considered ulga ese unnecessary details are replaced i rural residence. Thus, a gentleman in France is known not by his standing in society; but by the seat he possesses in the country. This affectation may be very convenient a who possess count seats, but we know several poor French noblemen, who are compell by their impoverished incomes to live aw troisiéme, and even au quatrieme. at plan are these lofty illustrations of la haute noblesse to adopt? Are they to give a b yagen ows of the storey of the house in which they lodge? Or woul of some old chair, in which the nobleman’s and forefathers sat, be accepted as a competent substitute for a seat? It is difficult to say what in these cases—card-cases—would be looked upon as “the correct card.” Moreover, we strong tion the taste of this new form of eth politeness. e pe say ve _— - -_ much about ing upon visiting terms with a no who, at every visit, adwuly made # s point of showing us the ouside of his dor. Then again, the fashion is not so very new; for we have known sporting celebrities in this country even, who have found it extremel convenient at times to conceal both their name and address, In suc instanees, however, the view of the rural abode has been withheld from prudence, or, it may be, an excusable pride,— otherwise it might not improbably have rev | establishment known on the other side of the water as the Queen's Bench, the hospitality of which is such there merely for a visit of a few i against their own will, to stop much longer than ever they intended. THE REVERSE OF RIGHT. Av the Royal Banquet given by the Kine and Queen or Paussia on the strength of their coronation, certain pages be with scarlet and silver, waited behind the chairs of the principal guests them the dishes ; and, towards the close of the entertamment, we are further informed :— “ They also placed on their hats, and handed over to those on whom they were in attendance gold medals of the most exquisite workmanship, on the one side the heads of the King and Queen, and on the reverse the royal.arms of Prussia, with the motto Suwm Cusque.” The reverse of these medals was just the fit place for a maxim of which the principle, whereon the kingdom of Prussia has been consti- tuted, is quite the contrary. Alienwm , HonENZOLLERN under- stood ihe Prussian legend rightly |. ‘That is what Suum means in a general sense, with particular reference to the amexation of Schleswig and Holstein. arm. |

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at fa ee ca ania PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. cman ae nl —— rams We eM Mh hdl, 44 IP ae AAA dd Zi Yas Wi7 / Y , Oy ra =- i 1 “4 YY Y Z MASTER AND MAN.—A PRETTY STATE OF THINGS! Master (to Swell Groom). “On, Sya¥rizs, I wish To sHow THE New Horsz To THIS GENTLEMAN—AND WE SHALL RIDE IN THE AFTERNOON.” Swell Groom. “ Very Sorry, Sir, BuT THE OsSES ARE LOCKED UP FOR THE PRESENT, SrR! AND WHAT OSSES WAS YOU GOING TO Ripe tuts Arrernoon! I SHOULDN'T LIKE TO ’AVE MIVE OUT IN THE Damp!” A. KING COTTON .BOUND ; OR, THE NEW PROMETHEUS. Far across Atlantic waters Groans in chains a Giant King; Like to him, whom Ocean’s daughters Wail around in mournful ring, In the grand old Grecian strains Of Prometuevs in bis chains ! Needs but Fancy’s pencil pliant Both to paint till’ both agree ; For King Cotton is a giant. As Promeruevs claimed to be. Each gave blessings unto men, Each dishonour reaped again. From the gods to sons of clay If Prometuevs brought the flame, Who King Cotton can gainsay, Should he equal honour claim ? Fire and life to millions giving, That, without him, had no living. And if they are one in blessing, So in suffering they are one ; Both, their captive state confessing, Freeze in frost and scorch in sun : That, upon his mountain chain, This, upon his parching plain. Nor the wild bird’s self is wanting — Either giant’s torment. sore ; If Prometuevs writhed, while panting Heart and lungs the vulture tore, So Columbia’s eagle fierce, Doth King Cotton’s vitals pierce. On those wings so widely sweeping In its poise the bird to keep, if you can see for weeping, “North” and “South” are branded deep— On the beak all reeking red, On the talons blood-bespread ! But ’tis not so much the anguish Of the wound that rends his side, ‘ Makes this fettered giant languish, As the thought how once, in pride, That great eagle took its stand, Gently on his giant hand ! How to it the meat he ’d carry Tn its mew to feed secure ; How he’d fling it on the quarry, How recall it to the lure, Make it stoop, to his caresses, Hooded neck and jingling jesses. And another thought is pressing, Like hot iron on his brain— Millions that would fain be blessing, , e’en now, King Cotton’s name. Oh, that here those hands are bound, Which should scatter wealth around ! ** Not this Eagle’s screaming smothers t sound across the sea— Wailing babes and weeping mothers, Wailing, weeping, wanting me. Hands that I would fain employ, Hearts that I would fill with joy ! “I must writhe—a giant fettered,— While those millions peak and aes By my wealth their lot unbettered, And their suffering worse than mine. For they know that I would fain Heip their need, were ’t not my chain ! * But J know not where to turn me For relief from bonds and woe ; Frosts may pinch and’suns may burn me, But for reseue—none I know, Save the millions I have fed. Should they rise for lack of bread— “ Saying, ‘ We will brook no longer, That King Cotton bound should be: Be his gaolers strong, we’re stronger, In our hunger over sea— More for want, than love, uprisen, We are come to break his prison! ’ “ Welcome even such releasing, Fain my work I’d be about : Soon would want and wail be ceasing, Were King Cotton once let out— Though all torn and faint and bleeding, Millions still 1’ve strength for feeding.

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PROT Sel ASSEN EER Na eae Le Tae EMER Pee IE EE TET ARTS RR ON STN ETM I ETSI NT IT

Y YY, hii, ey “oe i PRN/,/,, ph Ny ae <é j | Vy tf Wy, i" \ \\ S N =e j j SOO SS b il : cry, i I » LAN Or, The Modern Prometheus. KING COTTON BOUND (We ¥ I fo=] E : Ws gor

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PAPAL PEEPSHOWS. HE yearly exodus of hmen is very nearly over, but there are doubtless, some few who have not had their holiday, and who may feel the tainty as to where to go. If they have any ondness for ‘seeing Curiosities, perhaps the following will tempt them to ' and pay a visit to the Church of Notre Dame in Aix-la-Cha- pelle :-— “The great relics, which are only shown ev seven years, are the robe of the Virgin ; the swaddling clothes of our Saviour ; the linen, still marked jwith blood, in which John the Ba) tist, after being behead- ed, was wrapped up ; and the sheet which was used. at the descent from The small the cross. oun tnia strangers who may ‘or pur- ects are the leathern girdle worn by our Saviour, the two sealed with the seal of Constantine ; a piece ; winding- sheet ; the linen waist-belt of the oo some of her hair; a link of the chain of St. Peter; the right arm and thread iE ; the bones of several saints ; the marble throne on which CHARLEMAGNE was seated in his tomb,’and which was used at the coronation of the We think these interesting relics might easily be made immensely a ae, tA ene ce pee! = ve + nid en h wing them wi adopt anguage of proprietors .o peepshows, and ify with cts Ha mendacity the marvels of the objects they t "publi lastic sadly from short wind, luri y! look here! look here! be ini time! (gaap) be in time! the shoes of Saint Baref a m me were snow-white. You perceive the shoes have scarce a scratch upon their said to be almost as good as new. debemus) that in verity the and indeed that they were made how four centuries and fifty eg fay his truth is, Saint Barefootus, being of a highly eco- r ; wh a pilgrimage, te put shoes into his pocket, and only wore them on his feet to keep the rats from hen he retired to rest ( gasp). The next relic I shall Ticdouloureux, who fell a~martyr (to 66. Observe the length = 7 , and the Le soe pangs the holy martyr must have when he underwent the torture of having his tooth out. i ic is the woollen comforter which i of when he had a bad sore throat (pant). The genuineness of the article is evi by its condition, for it has een W wearer, and any one who pais it with due reverenee to his nose will perceive sbundant. proof hat in edour of sanctity. ‘Look a glorious uncer- | ! in his private acts of penance. ninety in ne the coor fhe Mage whereas | which was ke e good saint. by constant ; Ht ni exercise well nigh to #. p. From of condition eertain heretics have that the saint vie we who went to him harder tham himself; but shallow reasoning like this stil] | Necessary acts of saintly eavesdropping. According to the chronicles, he was fed m his retirement by a mouse that = the waterbutt, and bri a steak pudding and half a pint o . Not having an t ned on this a diet, thet when he mouse , gasp, and grant ; and here, the A FREE AND EASY FRAULEIN. Toe i correspondent of the Zimes relates an interesting circumstance en es which diversified the royal tomfvolery just enacted there. ies dressed in white (like the bridemaids in Der > Gate om the Monday previous to the coronation day. Two of them were to make short speeches of weleome to the Ki d respectively; two others to present their Maj verses, composed for the oecasion. We appropriately-attired damsels danced up to lands and singing, “See, see, we bring fresh flowers of ’—Autumn, wit, dahlias, c ye and China-asters, but on the contrary these girls appear to have acted the silly part which was assigned to them with real grace, and natural dignity informed that :— **The damsel who addressed the Queen is the hter of one of the masters. She is reported to have executed her task (rather trying to is people 3; and no nonsense. Weare nerves) with much grace, and the Queen, when she concluded, held out gave ita hearty shake. Her and to made the remark, that the of Kénigsberg seemed to be quite on a familiar footing with Royalty.” We hope that the report which ascribes so extremely vulgar a remark to the Quzen or Prussia is unfounded. The observation which her Prussian Majesty is accused of making is just such a one as a foolish woman of low origin, whom a still more foolish king had stupidly married, would naturally have made. A b 8 of i breeding would have been a q a agenee ble of so snobbish a saying. “Quite on a familiar footing wi os Th exclamation is just that which would proceed from the lips of an Abigail or a scullion elevated toathrone. “Quite on a familiar footing with Ro —Ahem!” It is obvious that “ Ahem!” have been added to the speech above to have uttered WEEN OF Prussia, but which proceeded from the mout | of one of her least ladylike servants. No doubt the Quzzn or Prussia was only too happy in feeling tho vetiommwigh obi tostend eam ’ wells Bovey "with the’ gout people of Kacigeberg, lar a footi with the e0 , ON 80 a footing ey Ro at “tg we were ass of Konigaberg seemed to be quite on @ familar footing ‘with yalty,” we take refuge in the s that. she said so in joke, since by laying a due emphasis on Konig in Kénigsberg, aod the same on Royalty, she might have made asort of a pun. The Rale Repale of the Union. One of ~ favourite election cries with the present Royle par- bi for miliary fill torte Now tio of the lot. of ladies d Freischiitz had to receive the a oe Queen at the Brandenburg | with copies of | i — that these | e Roy: P ma waving |

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>

| | '

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON

CHARIVART.

A PARADOX. Ciara (newly married). “ Now, Bob, if I run through the Gold, I gain double, dmt I?”

INFALLIBILITY IN ERROR. Petene le poe nth wpe frig poe naemn e ° So he, beheaded by the Porz’s : Died for the crime Castrucct has confessed. How came Infallibility to make So gross and melancholy a mistake ? Pretend to govern in St. Peter’s stead! Who was it that cut off the wrong man’s head ? o! but, — _ Sick theme, en ie m his spiri His Holiness may blunder as to fact, And so decree a sanguinary act. Then, such a Prince how needful to restrain Withm his metaphysical domain ; Unerring Judge an steries unseen, But apt to misapply the gaillotine ! Allow him still to exercise the keys, And excommunicate his enemies ! But have no more command of axe and rope, How long will France guard scaffolds for the Porz ?

ABSURD ASSOCIATION OF IDEAS. For several days past, there has been in the Times the following advertisement :— wit MISSING : ONE THOUSAND POUNDS, &c. The association of ideas is sometimes very absurd. We know it is wrong, and y ridiculous—so much so, that the people in the house must think we ‘are mad—but each time we see the above advertisement, we cannot acy 4 refrain from launching vociferously into the song of “ 0. Willie, we have missed you.” We do wish some one would make haste, and find both the Will and the way of claiming those Thousand Pounds.

An “Area” Pznste.—“‘ I wonder what Cookey has got for supper? ”— tha ata required to be “a fitter,” is it a Tailor that is ex to give “tick?” Really, there should be a key published with these advertise- ments. Also, in the name of Fortune, and its wheel, what can “a good bespoke trade” mean ? Here is one, however, that is a little more intelligible :— LIZA COLE WANTS A HOUSEMAID’S PLACE, / prefer public to private. Address for Exiza Coe, &c. The bad grammar of the above makes the meaning beautifully simple, though the preference, expressed by Exiza, is decidedly not to be admired. The prominence, too, that Exiza Cone gives to her name is amusing, just as if she were a celebrated character of great notorieiy, like those world-known acrobats, and orb-admired Athletes, who advertise every week for fresh engagements. want of a “ sheet

to the stake for making Talking of acrobats, here is a gentleman who has seemingly great powers of expansion :— T° WHOLESALE GROCERS and Others.—A Commercial Traveller, covering the South and West of England every three months, can TAKE a COMMISSION. Address, &. This Commercial Traveller does not inform us how he professes to “cover” extensive parts of England. scale much larger than “ flats” expects us either to believe that He must be a great flat, on a enerally run, if he can do it, or if he ecan do it. If Beds is one of the e€ suppose his means of covering it would be with s counter- should like Herring, or GRANT, or some sporting artist, to draw us a picture of a Commercial Traveller “ going to cover.” Here is the last. ‘The advertiser this time is not an india-:-bber contortionist, but apparently an equestrian :— ROOM, Single Handed; ride or drivea BROUGHAM. Single ; age Good character. You see he professes to “ride” a Brougham. We thought it was witches alone who claimed this aérial monopoly. Not less t a hun- le-handed ” Groom would have been carried ago this “si H Idly this profane confession that he could “ride a Brougham,” and offering himself thus publicly for any one to hire him. With his powers of witchcraft, he might have presumed to answer the advertisement of the gentleman above, who is in such Devil.” | Next toa volume of Dz. Cummine’s, or a copy of the Fonetic Nuz, or the leaders of the Morning Advertiser, we do not know of anything so puzzling, so mysterious, or so amusing, for a couple of hours, as a good of advertisements.

Poetic Yarns in Cottonopolis. A Mancnester poet has commenced a new epic, which begins well. It opens with an invocation to the Muses, bursting forth with these words :—‘‘ Ye femi-nines,”

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ETLEREES : amt 5p gPegveye vy count of the prediction—winch, we are bound to state, is most of his predietions—he can draw consolation from the one isa prophet. in his own. country. Look at Old Moo H # ti — es

A WORD TO THE MARQUIS OF NORMANBY. My Nose Youre Farexp, hy your wonderful vindication of the much a oP Mopena, the ex-instrument of Austria in governing one of the sepa rate states of. a now united Italy, you contemptuously describe Loxp Pataexstow as “a pleasant old man, who tries facetious antiga power” You be rile anybody fr beng on old id as Lory Pat- MERSTON hi ridiculous in addition to old; which Lonp PALMERSTON is not. Lorp Patmerston has not renounced his liberal principles in his old age, Lonp Patmerstow has not become the mouthpiece and the champion of the Porz and Bomsa and the satraps of the Austrian Kaiser. Is Loxp Patmenstow “a old gen- tleman?” Suppose you are an mapiporat old vo oy vag If Lorp Patmerston were placed upon a shelf in the Upper House alongside of a jlordship,, Pe, woul his bea ba a “meelt” Me memory you mus upon himself,” and, im his ssduthe the office, which, in another place, is discharged by RGE tam in acai 8 recommen juvenile ore- going considerations in your et smoke pate fed ig Ae honour a i ray your lordship’s most obedient servant, ‘and the confidential your lordship’s youth, PUNCH. Patweneron “tries facetious frauds on foreign powers,” does he? a? however, than trying dull fictions on the House of ij

ENCOURAGE NATIVY TALENT. Wuew Covrvorsrer was hanged for m Lorp Wii114M Rovs- SELL, the execution of the assassin was peipenive in an affecting copy of

Another Challenge to Blondin. We are b four one? authority enabled to announce that, after . Browprn’s =

the transept in mid-air, and, as he at

aPTER HIM. (Buionpin, beat that /) -

hen-coops, the proceeds to performance at the P Mr. Puach will tee aie Count or Panis pete: enlisting themselves was slong, wil Non ax oy he fe North again South ? ew Orleans. Wnt backwards and forwards with splash am One day a fat chido er lived thereabout Stood to see the Swans glide im and out, now corte their p should lke tw doco Now She “pont of all things, she his silly fat chicken was German by birth, And was meant to live quietly clucking on ‘earth, her business with water was only a joke : Just sometimes to wash when too grimy with smoke. But the chick felt. ambition distending her cfop, And she thought it as easy to swim as to hop,. Though the Swans gave her warning It’s but jealousy di And yond I shall do it with For a bird that can Think can friendliest shou ':, * You silly fat chicken, das a what you’re about.” “My feet, wings, and feathers, for aught I can A as good as the Swans’ are for swimming,” says sh And < wee I’m _ = feeble, and ie’ *re strong of ub, Is that any reason wh: I should not “ Why should not I nd then, as eo - as Then in this poor ignorant animal flew, But soon found her friends the —_ cautions —— She splashed, ane ot she dashed, and she turned yun, des Locality. wished herself ot on the a But now ’twas too late to The harder she strug; fot hey = begin to ae 9 birds, o just roe — - at a view effort Saree a but a A good-natured Swau pulled her out by the tail. Then the Swans I perceived began ts moral, my dears, we all understand But And ail fat little Germans will stick upot lend.

A NEW SANITARY TAX. A Tax on Crinolines ! Potty warty the gentlemen, at least), but it would also rol \ As every woman in the country now wears one of those ridiculous a vulgar fraction could easily be ascertained. We would noe have children ev even Mo caged since thee Po been admitted by their — alte se less_servants. Mr. sense, of hm clever of not more than 5 per cent. douceur levied. Our highest reward, however, y to induce them to return to their former

It their chal pl he poet lie Sones, ae ee be immensely protable. of fashion, Cranston al imesh, wit hs fiscal and nie him a present of, we shall be perfectly are sure a grateful nation would only be too Policies that are Doubly Hazardous. ose that have to be

THE ORLEANS FILEBUSTBRS. Amonast the questions that are required to be answered in aft insurance-paper, we believe the following is for the future fo be gg sie op ete cone ee verses, which wound up with an a 1 to the nobility, reco: a rinoline them to bestow their patronage exclusively on mative valetry, and— | suewer be sneer being. mg “adematve the ve, the highest rate ot pation will be “* No longer foreigners employ, 1s pout necessary in consequence Which your own country might onjoy.” icin coats thet hee gusansed ts of A similar exhortation might be addressed to young ladies, who are | that fashion. in fac it is Sanne mnt of the safest prone, as in the terrible example of poor Miss Jomnstowz, exhibited | offices have come to the resolution of not any such lives upon in the trial of Stenor Coxtuccr, to lavish their affections and their | any terms whatever, and all odie are to be mull and youd we es a leering foreign scoundrel, who- despises the former, but | when it can be proved that the death resulted from fire, or # broken the greatest possible regard and respect for the latter. gore fractare, or any other form of accident resulting from wearing Orinoline.

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eee ae JEMIMER HANN’S LAST SWEET THING IN HEAD-DRESSES! ©. re A } } THE ORLEANS BOY. Te Orleans Boy to the War is In the ruck A Southern foe rout you’ him urgi With a bayonet-poi “ Land of Il find him : ind him. ” cried the Warrior scarred Y\ In the rear, “the world won’t praise us : : We have had to deal with BeavREGarp, And this is how he pays us,” The Warrior fell; but he wasn’t slain, and then knocked under, Tu® French say with great truth, “ The Ab- sent are always in ;” and more espe- cially are they, when they forget to send you a Money-Order to console one for their absence. 4. Poor Penzwre of a wife, abandoned by her wretch of an Unxsses at the Seaside. Tue Hunchback does not see his own hunch, but he sees clearly the hunch of another hunch- AMENDS TO AMERICA. Mr. Puncu, is very anxious to conciliate his American friends, North and South, They have expressed‘ some irritation at the of a portion of our in reference to certain rowdyism and ruffianism which prevail in the States, but of which we should never have known anything, let JonatHan r but for his own press. We, however, wish to make everything pleasant, and we take an opportunity of appeasing our Transatlantic cousins by making a sacrifice to their offended feelings. It is true that the is of little value, but between friends it is the intention of a donor, and not the worth of the article, that stamps a present with a price. We have heard, and have compelled to believe, that there are a great many writers in America who use their pens iu an unworthy fashion, indulging in personal details and in vulgar vituperation. America must allow that this is.so. ‘But, on the other hand, such writers are not exclu- sively American. Mr. Punch’s attention has just been called to an article in a paper called the Liverpool Albion. The article is from the pen ofthe London Correspondent of that journal, and is headed | alread * Metropolitan Gossip.” Mr. Punch will extract from the mess no more than is sufficient to make the single sentence which he proposes to append comprehensible by Americans, and by Englishmen . He wool : apologise for so deting three inches of his paper, but a foul kite’s wings are pulled open when he is nailed over the poultry-house oor. The Liverpool Albion’s London Correspondent has this to say touch- ing a number of gentlemen, of whom it is impossible that he should know anything personally, unless he been engaged as an extra waiter at some public dinner at which they may have attended. “* Returning to our Mayor, and such a mare’s nest as the Mansion House now is might make a bippopotamus laugh ; for he—not the hippopotamus, but the other gentleman—isn't the size of a Manx y, though from the name, Cusirr, you might anticipate prodigious , @ la Goliath. Perhaps he has it in laterality, and is st a sideways? No. Well, then in protuberantiality, a capon-lined corporation in ad of the head works ;—enceirée, in the ring, not in the ee ee ee wee No. As our usual luck would have it, whenever there is special reason for presentiug a parti- cularly imposing personnel to the foreigner, we are sure to offer some burlesque on alf dhe traditions of that British ph jue imm: ae grace ecament, symmetry 01 . impressiveness stature, general corporeal attributes r to the cross of the breeds of the human race, as our Normandic-Cel! yy mixture is. Yet what must they think of us at Vienna, from Lorp Joun, followed by Lever and Rozsuck? What at Pekin, from Exor ; at Petersburg, from Wopenovuse ; at Paris, from Cow.ey ; at Constantinople, from Henry Butwer; at Washington, from Lyons ?—the very spots of all others on this earth where our ‘ porcelain of the human clay,’ ‘ glasses of fashion and moulds of form,’ should be shown off to edify the s with admi- ration, instead of astonishing the natives with the reverse. Custrr is a caricature on a Lord Mayor, for he looks as if he were always with Humpurey. The other Humpurey, not the Duke, but the without much incon- venience, clap Cusrrr in his pocket, or stow him away in his digester, where much | last week, the monthly County back. erefore, it is as well to know’ what there is at our own back, before we venture to laugh behind the backs of others. Sp es rng afrye Ag ig and enormous spec- isa Hop-o’-my-Thumb, with weazel eyes, com; will he be - spectators from abroad during the tacles; and stared at indeed forthcoming influx.” The single sentence which Mr. Punch begs to add, in humble humi- liation, is this—he does not believe that America, wii her resources in the ribald department, can produce:a more My 2 or more stupid blackguard than the London Correspondent of the Liverpool Albion. Neighbours Getting over their Distance to one Another. Tue South-Eastern Railway Company have placed a new boat, the Victoria, on the Boulogne and Folkestone line, and which accom- plishes the distance in an hour and twenty-seven minutes. We rejoice at this, as we do at any event that brings France and England nearer to one another. ‘If steam succeeds in making the two countries closer friends, it will be classed as the greatest of the triumphs that have y been recorded in its favour. The kettle, in the vapour of which oung :Watr prophetically saw the first steamer, will thus turn out the most powerful pacificator the world has ever known. For this, and other considerations, the Peace Society could not do better than adopt ; the kettle as its crest—taking, at the same time, as its motto, “ Its Empire is Peace”—for the song it is always singing (a ‘‘ Song without | Words” as tuneful as any that MENDELSSOHN ever wrote) is the peace _ pone take the precedence of every other—that of the domestic earth. A Little Disappointment. Unper the head of Law Intelligence it is reported that, on LS ge urt of the Sheriffs of London an Middlesex was held according to appointment ; when— “* Mr. Mountain, the Crier of the Court, O yea,’ and called upon all persons to appear. appearance was made.” The Mountain appears to have brought forth a mouse. CAUTION TO WOOLGATHERERS. To those English steamers, who are attempting to run the blockade of South America, we beg to repeat the Spanish proverb :—Take care, in going in search of wool, that you do not return home fleeced. Gtorious Tite ror a New Hatrrenny Newsparer.—“ A Hy’- porth of all Sorts.” 6 Sea *O yea, ° . REPRE pas sais * erp aeenreess Sok pits Si aie ae ae. William ine ea, Ogee eked te mpat, November 2, 1961. pper W. im tke Precinct of Whitefriars, in the ‘a Place, and Frederick Mallett Ev of No. 19, 9 wens Road West, Regent's P both im the Parish of St. in the of Middlesex, Published by them at No. 85, On ae ee ot Uae Belin to the Oe ef Londons

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— oo. bel in int While from box and spn, fleering Chaff keeps gath’ring as it goes ! When I ask the cause of stoppage, : a ae PRINCE Wates 1’m told, o to-day assumes the wrappage, Of the legal toga’s fold. Utter Barrister i pake him, Then within the Then upon the Bench they i ‘take him,— per saltum—as is “ There ’s no royal road to learning,” mH. s beak = as stale : le by men, in envy uae the their i Lo, this pact Bas to learning On the royal we see— Ne’er was road so full of a anise As that road appears to First, as we have seen, due Nor’rards, It to Modern Athens tends : Then, where subjects’ roads lead for’rards, Sudden due South it bends. He must follow it to Cambridge, Where he hopes repose to know, After oes | crossed the same bridge, O’er which subject asses go. No—this royal road no mercy n Shore a ace § in course of cram : ound it w vicey-versy, To the Isis from ¢ the Cam. Ask him not if mathematic, Or if classic be his choice, By this royal road erratic ‘He must trudge, without a voice. Off it whisks him to = oT Camp experience to Then to e confusion th + Back to civil life again— And as goal of civil study, Fortress of Chicane and J aw ; Lo, the Princely boots are muddy On the royal road to Law ! Hapless bigest An of cramming Owns i thes: at ramming rammed could be. Never ber Since first brain- tgs it y ee its ror ge spilling, ing up, O’er, Who call ar’ Warton Was horse so ’ willing Ever spurred so hard before ? me not then, that unto learning here is not a royal road : Let us thank the stars discerning =... * path hate? mere: not trode. a e, whate’er ng, Who @ has but one : And so ’seapes the verdict galling— “ Jack-of-all-trades, Lord of none ! ”

Specimen of Hebdomadal Bosh. to the railway, but they Tue Welsh attorneys have got it into their heads that Prince, now & , is bound to take their passes but a lawyer from the is stopped by the sentinels clerk. The Prrxce is v ured, and has given orders that none of the bas i ven Gall Sy oe hly used. with a glass So nell and noisy, and splut- uncouth fey et very poets ry the Maids of es ee

VOL, XLI, G Tae oem es ARES

; t

Page 188

PUNCH, oR THE LONDON Era SS I journey’s end. it a seem as though there were as many ac- cidents on one’s jour- ney through life as aan sto ee rtunately a railway! Most = "Sg break down halfway, or rarely arrive at ‘the station they were anxious to reach. For instance, acco’ to the ee ter return, only twenty-five _ men attained a hundred years—twenty-five men against fifty-six women, who accomplished the same distance. you see the — beat the men in everythi They even beat us in living longer | last word, but they insist, also, Not only will they have bys h- last minute! The wonder is that they allow the yom to be n by Death even. We can understand with a woman, who says resolutely “I witx not die,” how very er it must be for Pallida Mors to get the better of her obstinacy ! Of course, not one of those fifty-six female centenarians were for if we are to believe the ~ reports that caueme the doings off low life, it would seem that, where m: , it is the husband who beats the wife. Therefore, shen we said that woman beats man in everything, we intended - ‘little ex tion, and that was wife-beating. But we | are wrong, perhaps, “bs to a — tible creatures, who far from ranking equal = "ie, Seed degradi ves to a lower level even than that of the Brute. The two oldest persons in the Registrar’s returns for 1859 are women—one in Monmout. , and one in South Wales,—each of whom reached the patriarchal age of 110. You see how the Welsh obstinacy asserted itself characteristically up to the very last. You may be sure that each old soul had ah up her mind not to die a day before she was five-score years ten—no, not even if she perished in the attempt ! We wonder if the above ladies were in the habit of proudly confessing | their ages, oras ladies sometimes will, resorted to the arithmetical practice | § of making a liberal subtraction from the sum total? In oes to _ | inquiries of curious st did they truthfully say, yous if it please Heaven I live long. , I shall be Ma an | or, did they wore answer (sup is any evasion to such a quustion) © il, Se, I am rotng ot, and my memory, Jo se see, | begins to fail = a wee bit, but I am that next birthday | as much as forty-two—it may be, forty-three,—or, perhaps, only fo | one. At my time of life, Sir, what is the erence of one year?” e | have not endeavoured to Mt the ae nee | in the — Cnt ppen to rejoicingly ignorant of that pre- Adamite language ; aes posing { rt woman’ MD oa Nr sy oe on - point of age strengthen of growing feebler the longer she grew (and old age has j me joer sant on a mental weakness than it as on a physical one), the answers, we fancy, would not fall ve ~9 | short of the seeond form we have complaisantly canes & | We call forty-two a very fair ession for a lady who vieted by the Registrar-General to be not more than 110. | However, we have said more than enough epeere P. on the head tongue, inasmuch as we pong THE IMPERIAL THIMBLERIG ; OR, “UNDER WHICH HAT IS THE ROMAN PRAT” TweERe’s a thimblerigger has his stand In the stately Tuileries, Antares a did rig, Ee atusion As watdi dine beret of that nimble wris As it works the Roman pea! His board is a map of the fair estate That Marripa gave the Pors, In days afar when the ppl With crowns en masse could co When St. Peter’s boat had water to float, And was taut in ribs and rope Cross-keys amd a sword are the legs of the board, And in of the thimbles three, *Neath which, m a: dn age: Look out for the li There °s a little ooahed hat, 2 and a Cardinal’s hat, And a Bersaglier’s kép. The little cocked that it stamds for France; The Cardinal’s hat for Rome; The képi stands for Italy, But th som: di theme ut there’s c on And who's te cut his Comb? “ Now noble tsmen, make your game. Leok deems and tho Weick ie deons = 4 Se de Beene cabin tises canis Ong sa three to which hat it’s tpn “ Biold hatd! ’tis under the scarlet tile—” Says a tonsured flat, “I Mewearl” “oo with you! ” and the flat leoks blue, he Hat!” "the Kept” Ait ther and seo— Bee Haat” Pike xen And so goes on the little While the Roman pea “+ spin, From hat to hat, till what to be at, The flats to doubt And ’tis pretty clear, of all that are here, But one is meant to win. Back which you choose, you ’re as safe to lose As a duck to swim to and ; But there’s one bet, which if you can get, In with you I ’*d like to stand ; That wherever it be, the little pea Is well im the rigger’s hand ! made to tell upon something. much money into the sea, when the same ex a nuisance that cries aloud for removal. when the next experiments are tried with should be brought to bear u diture te Aeryeny Be poms oom of fresh a e free ion resh air be of lo vity, Woman is fairly the master of d Parr had best guns that nted, lived ta these ese days, we should have wil sight of hea ane a aa | Old Mrs. Parr weeping over his premature grave. " The Retort Courteous. | Great An Actor who remembers that “ Othello” rhymes to “ bellow,” r me am Mode. . and behaves ne: tpn y, is preaching lustil, —— a play ad Ive Othell tal themselves regularly, just now, and there | Drury Lane ; manager, with an amia sneer at a rival, a sixth, Mn. Cus My, J the largest pot nounees that the is given * ae oe Sa, ot Messrs i Sak | Ale Sanat EL ER nee A good way from the ay => doakt, which may be the reason why aie poee be 0 siaiay Mia Snenais Anan ers | that he is cubbing dex the performance resembles a bad Sermon. POINTING A CANNON WITH A MORAL PURPOSE. Ir Cannons must fire, we do not see re ey shot should not be There igest Se avenge can be no o LD ge tae compen, that n that ugly block of b that =a hon ning tht uch in the way of mo: part of a blockade in the most crowded ae el the Saad Weald to that vile haunt of eae: ee infi aoe as 0 oo Ee a ee we ready to ree Scan of fresh a and pass cought, ve Oe ieee oY gecko aight ily \ gee rea i

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i ae hs LH : examn 9, 1861) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. EXTENSIVE SEIZURE OF. TOBACCO. AN Si eae: Tobecw tank plate ip cue of the in via, under most about half-past eleven o'clock, as Labt aes we have, of course, abstained about to retire to bed for the night, es, which, to her refined sense iit ‘L of i i have she did the = when the e fearful nature of the fact. Not! Counted, Shara Satie chaphioes tae emma puapeet ot band. proceeded up-stairs in the Socgining, we @ quickness of trathfal discrimination, whic the ies ao her great presence of mind, that a candle give the offender a notice of her i Her sinking energies, so unused to: the severe trial to which they i ,reminded her, however, that there was no i 5 80, forward again with as much eaution as her ing terror would allow her to exercise, she stood opposite the sy which = felt ee doen suflocating vee wae heme” seously eseaping. It was a small, oor on the right- one ee ee ou coved the nurseries. In less ive tone we + bard painful story, she had turned the woe ane ccaey th and eli resolving to allow the culprit no time or into the middle of the room, = contnated wih what nerve yy left the awful spectacle cee ore, et mt See algal ores chee wal per Jndztie Jo wing serge rashness. There was her ut worthy of a better eause, been criminall yy intent upon blowing. Her since stated that the effect of t grange horror ! oe windows—to snatch the pipe out of the young BN adhe mou outh, and to fling it into the streets, heedless of the conse- quences, was only the work of an instant ! Without istenmng to her better feelings, her ladyship next proceeded to administer to her offending offspring a most tremendous box on the ears, that aah craig my effect of awakening him to a sense of his ing position. In this pueerere with the best effect, until the boy evaded all: further chastisement by Gompenting ander the bed- clothes, and, with an a = hardly credible in one of his tender A rigorous search was then fnatituted i in the room, and in the various drawers were found the following articles :—One nto of Bristol Bird’s 19 Stamtlng (one baleamated) 3 4 ounces of ny my a hw (one half-smoked), aums po as fresh as Giovent lnagtbes bat reat —. gone po oat cell of ~ pe as 2 several of Cigarettes. arene won beak comiel inside an old hat, as: many as 32 penny Cubas. The whole of the above had evidently been smuggled into the establishment, and, ae contraband articles, were immediately con- fisgated on the spot by her nee mre eee ticeand tha enliatite thet cgay comeletalt of , remains under the cus- of a governess and a nurse. He is under confinement. All the td lisse caer rant 9 dap pS ye peal peo. velante Sota isin for himself, dha bong cautioned that what he ise wel _be brought a Sep ieee pan offornte , it is surm severe, as there are Savincible dhalike for tobsoco, i 8 companions, that "Sm Awntuory has an invincible e for a Brutus in his household in seeing that no offender against the domestic laws escapes without punishment, and semanas ia hemnch slttente for the ceintary eibete. of emgereal It is with no little sorry to prejudge or i — gaa but we think ii boys from the injurious practice of smoking. be naturally alarmed, as any expert photographer. no longer left her im i al peng lp, Ee: iarely soae.of sae yealy employed in bed smoking a short fom head was scarcely vitae ni on the pillow, so closely was a surrounded by the thick clouds of smoke he with an t startling revelation her was euch, that she thought she should have sunk through the EPISCOPAL PHOTOGRAPHY. Dr. Tomson, dg gag is stile te, be on gee B= age poy us to add that hi Ne AUSTRIAN JUSTICE. Accorpine to a letter as pearins — “ M. Proropevera has the functions of Minister of te fenetions of ines of Sean eee eee ition to business.” ae oe relieve him definitively from Eoace uneek owing to the state of his eyes, o course the Emrzror or Avstrta will poyl PROTOBEVERA’S tion of the Ministry of aa a so insu- wena le as that of the precarious state of his eyes. if M. Pro- TOBEVERA were to lose his sight ? be ag Justice, - personified 1 sculpture, are with bandage, and i in Pgh ng Bog rbially blind ; but. j in ae her lands she to er re and blind Justion i is inadmissible in Austria. We wonder how the Old Rich Humbug. TER is always such a fuss made about the “reserve” at the Bank. Lady of Threadneedle Street has the face to talk about her “reserve,” when she knows she is pe ‘making advances, and even takes the greatest possible i ee te doing.” oid it be better eapeuiadl QUIZ EST HOMO. hor arcemghiy. I arse te has addressed Louis N. with bad Latin. But is this a fault, or a Lovts, yet sends him o - ieee take Coane PIRATING AN ADVERTISEMENT. —A certain Eminent Tragedian, of Mh: school, eS re et ate meee : “N.B. No charge for Stamping.”

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Skis, f

9, 1861,

EXACTLY LIKE IT.

7

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—————————S=S

A GERMAN LESSON. * T Majesties, the Kixe and Quaex of PRussra, on 8 aus- yal should not deem it necessary to transcribe this piece of not very momentous. intelligence for its own sake. It is, however. with a statement to the effect, the, ball began at nine. o’ according to a custom which the Prussian Court is pune adhered to. This custom is one which deserves to be honoured in the observance, instead of being, as in this. country, y disho- noured in the breach. Herein the tate, they would confer a on the middling , who, under an inevitable necessity of aping their superiors, are ob! to give evening which commence at unseasonable hours, and are not over until three and four o’clock in the morning ; whereas a consider- able portion of the guests have to be at their business by ten. Thus, instead of qpaeining pesinese with pleasure, they com business with pain—headache, drowsiness and lassitude—to the detriment of their affairs, whilst the same habits of dissipation which impair their intellectual faculties; ruin the complexions of their wives and

MOST FLATTERING! Miss Stout. *‘ You sex, Dear, I THovcHT your Swiss Dress so pretty, THAT I HAVE MADE ONE WHY WE SHALL BE TAKEN FOR Sisters!” _ : . daughters. Atsum Persecutors. — Mar- TIN FarquHar ConGREvVE Rocuz- FOUCAULD ARCHIBALD TUPPER complains bitterly that the ladies are always pestering him for his *“ Authorgraph ! ”

AN APPEAL TO THE NORTH. JONATHAN, my ciphering friend, If your war its course must run, Till it reach a distant end, What will that be, when all’s done ? At the best, Confederation If you finally subdue, Is the South, a omeered nation, To be held and Poles the Czar has led by you? t to ride, tiff Poles, and hard of mouth, You’d be troubled with a wide Poland, in the a South, Francts-Josera hol is Venetia, Daily waiting to rebel. You, to kee Hardly will own all “ Secessia,” contrive as well. Think what you are fighting for. Morr Traffic to maintain? ! That the object of your war ? If you get it, will you gain ? What ‘ll lose, though victory winning, elayed In t e case of peace Will be that, whose end’s Legtanin ing, All the Southern Cotton Trade. : If ro lot should be defeat, hich is no unlikely fate, Then, the sooner you are beat, All the better ; conquered late,

For expense of troops and shipping, All that you can look to get, Will be an eventual whipping, * And an everlasting debt.

CRIMINAL CRYSTALLISATION. Mr. Punc# is very glad, of course, that a Dublin jury convicted the rascal cab-man Curran for the assault on Miss Jouty, and also that Justice O’Brien gave him as heavy a sentence as the law allows. But Mr. Punch would like to ask the “Morning News, a ped whence the following paragraph is taken, what was the exact c of the ch wrought in the prisoner when his punishment was an- nounced? ‘The News says :— ‘The prisoner during the passing of the sentence never moved 4 muscle, but as soon as the learned Judge announced the term of imprisonment, his face blanched, and he seemed to be rather hardened-stricken by the punishment awarded.” The phenomenon would seem to be a new one. We have heard of folks being struck all of a heap, and we can poetically conceive that when a Judge comes heavily down on a prisoner, he is reduced to a jelly, and the sentence in the Curran-JoLLy case might have made the man Currant-Jelly. But how he became rather hardened-stricken we cannot quite comprehend. He never moved a muscle, though the Judge told him that in other days he would have had a hoister; and altogether he seems to be a queer kind of scoundrel, and very well out of the way for a couple of years. When the News has nothing else to do, perhaps it will explain the hardened-stricken business, and we solemnly promise not to open the paper containing the ex tion. .,

Tue Metamorpuosis or Crarno~tne.—Hoops, when worn by ladies, have the effect of turning them into butts.

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Page 191

i “s : ca tJ + io) =| ==] w ey o et a ™m = Sg i] LP | (2) ==] o & =) & = = _ ipa is w om | mM Le) i) & = * * * * “OTTHHLO “ANI-ONHOS WH ‘1981 ‘6 UIKTAON—JUVAIMVHO NOGNOT AHL YO ‘HONOd U/ YI L) «US Gd GNV ‘ONINITONI AW 4O NOA HLOd

Page 192

i ‘ i) Y s+ ee EM a oy J ae a an a ai RTOS ST ROTI OE ns ge een SRN PEA. 5 SaaS =

Page 193

wan 9, 1861] | PUNCH, OR THE

THE PRINCES IN THE TEMPLE. i , This Garden is open to ladies only, one Prince and the red nose of the , and he faints into the ; ., the excellent Master Treasurer Fountain Garden, and all t n (henceforth immortal) this moment the blue ribbon other flash upon the eyes Mr. ANDERSON, spoken it better myself. The _ Be "did credit to the writer and the speaker, brought these over myself; but you know them— fellow. light is no longer an object of interest are a barrister; and tell me, Because if so, consider Mr. Sweet SmyizR af Street, youll give me a not have said that you were imper- ere. these fellows are a great improvement about one on occasions gstauRy, the Bisnor, CRes on—powerful cast, as you the ' |’ Tm always being told not to do that at Windsor, etiquette at Court to make the ladies no end of a pen-wiper for your birthday ; I do, that you may have time to Ce gt IE a Ne Gzorce Gary to represent to him in full how Margate to you that I am sure an social, and prospec- an educated and highly cultivated mind, roduced will germina’ . Of course I am sa my dear Epwarp, b the hands of people “3 ying in a becoming : and that beneath is noble inn there rests a deep signi nation er these weeds! They are ash don’t hold—and there it goes all over one’s w which Jerr. Davis has sent ibbon. P. I will brig you some to-morro i will recognise Slaveownia, and get the|or put to any harsh Star of India installa- would take it as a compliment. they cheered him like that. extra trouble on my account. — ‘. to- e afternoon, and Lorp CiyDE youll come, and I'll tell them. P.P. Don’t let there be any

P. W. You're an_old epicure, that’s what know all about it, Come in, raust,be polite. ‘To-morrow, at three, a Come on, my learned friend. po" Princes throw away their cigars, are again all smiles, bows, and elegant speeches, Rive acon

CIVIL SERVICE NEWS. Mz. Evrnorrus M. Jonzs has decided “pon i sie paper collars, and upon reverting to linen, : Biba. | ar dowvly syemens the use of his era oe ry [} volunteer du roaching marriage relapse into tems. Ma. Issackan, Ports has settled i ie

E : . 4 4 E c E eee ERE it. Ma. panel oe that he wrote to them etters were stolen by the convicted t { i i ! E ictan Sim Bannan Birra is open to as Mace. LYTH is an the young ladies at Villa, but will not give we Mx. Saromon P. Wiee has lost the stopping ont and will be on the imvalid list Perks has definitely out off aunt that they will not come. Mn. Nampy Buaxpy a pair of for SrickLIne GuewPort has t himself a dise Gardens, Battersea. over which he has no control, will abstain from wearing @ watch any longer. Ma. Owaxy Howxzy has had his second trousers re- seated, and Mx, Mapacascar Brown has finally placed his black eye in the hands of his medical attendant.—Civil Service Gazette. ree geee He E- t F ‘ tr | ES ee E

A NEW STAND-POINT OF GEOGRAPHY. Art the monthl netting of the Lown Council of Margate, we find reported in the Thanet Advertiser (a wonderful newspaper—price only three-halfpence) that— “ Mr. Caveter moved that a deputation should a ee to wait on Sim They had better also take with them a bag of boiled shrimps, as a a of its produce. However, thee may as well spare themselves the trouble and ex of the journey. lor we should say it was highly probable that Siz Gzonce Grey, by this time, did know where . te stood. If he has any doubts, we refer him to the reports of the own Council, and he will there be able to see that Margate stands a great deal of nonsense.

A NEW COMPLAINT. A Novex complaint has been brought before the notice of a Police Magistrate. It is known by the name—and we are indebted to Mr. Humenreys for the information—-of z yo ener oP Its symptoms are described as consisting “in a strange A what does not belong to you.” We fancy we have heard the same thing omar om i" but there is a gre difference between the © offences. ow, vulgar person is a ;” @ person in nn <2 ““Kleptomaniae.” The first takes Vogal is’n” ‘or the purpose of helping himself ; second commits for the purpose of heiping himecl; the satan eye omaot help meal Tt is malgré lui. The fingers move convulsively, as though they were seized with an immoral itch, to} seize hold of of others. You must no more blame him than you would a p who was iabouring under the effects of Sx. Virus’ dance, for he is not responsible for his movements. Such an sufferer deserves pity rather than censure ; he should be nursed and not be condemned, doctor’s carriage, and not in the prison van. many persons in the olden time were for ing, whilst they mon f egy de ge ems ok mf octomania” | It is a question, i whether all our thieves’ prisomt ought not to be c m, a = into “hospitals for the 2 wo er what, Vives the ior ne cltoker would have said to this mew

Page 194

NDON CHARIVARTI. Lovis Napoteon is only a consistently be said of Jack the property of others. All allusions to thieving and img must, adapt , 80 as to meet the exigencies of this new ery w Keg i] 44 )) as bij li) | Vj Le teenth i} iff Yi; / tis HU p A NSS pagne. priator of | that is to say, the ress, even the. enceforth, be | tion of it ; for that though allies dirt-cheap, is A DISTRESSING CASE OF “ KLEPTOMANIA.” - The unfortunate sufferer was promptly attended by Doctors X 1 and Z 2, and removed at once to the Hospital, and steps are now being taken for his recovery. ' the grand finale. THE CATCHPENNY PRESS. Goop Wine needs no bush, nor any kind ine cows o% = cntey pai: re ture flows ‘ . - | street, shout “Yah-hah!” meaning cheap ciaret champagne. What is true of wine is also true of the it mere rubbish, which is expensive at a not be cheap at any price. curred, and the lepitinate help of q and the legi elp 0 tents, exhibited at the doors of the news-shops. despicable contemporaries, however, offered at the sat pric and worth less than nothing, except for their material, W. print and woodcuts impressed w) into a small circulation, amo being hawked about the streets made by itinerant newsmon modities make morning noon and night hideous, and Sun- — streets and squares of London. shrieks that proclaim “Sprats!” and “ be regarded as necessary nuisances. Mackerel and sprats are esculent, and spoil by “> . There can be no ne- cessity, however, for crying bode fo nin good to eat, still less can there be any for splitting the ears of householders by crying what is utterly bad, — penny papers of the baser sort, albeit on the ples, whii certainly cannot be denied, that, like -sprats and mackerel, they are perishable commodities. -A GRAND DRESS REHEARSAL. Ir is a pretty dress rehearsal, when a young lady takes a visitor up to her bed-room, and begins showing her all the beautiful new dresses she has late troy bu: She should try them all on, one after the other, before the look- ing-glass, and press her dear friend, in the most persuasive manner, to give her opinion upon each. The performance is all the more effective, when the visitor happens to be in an inferior position of society, so that the pieces, which are brought forward for her flattering notice, are so nicely arranged as to be above the me | of her pocket. How- ever, the best time without — fora Grand Dress Rehearsal _is when a young lady is going to a QuEEN’s Drawing m. Too > | young friends cannot be invited to witness the delat of so delightful a performance, _taking care of course to avoid any inconvenience from bry ine Bag even upon sO rare an occasion ser- vants have been known to be kindly admitted to witness OUR SUPERIORS IN EVERYTHING. THe growing popularity of the new teaspoon bonnet among our countrymen, supervening on that of crinoline, is additional homage to the exquisite’ taste of France. The French certainly do excel us in marcing. We are never tired of seeing this unquestionable truth tacitly conceded, or of hearing it. loudly a. In every respect we are inferior to the French, and so are all the other nations of Europe. Not only does France surpass and in stree: architecture, statuettes, fancy furniture, military organisa’ millinery, cookery, and dancing. The French are our superiors in all the h her lines of thought science, and philosophy. We have no great ¢ st and unive genius, nor grand epic t, to compare with their t eminent authors, no archphilosopher, no famous astronomer, no chemical inves- tigator, no anatomical and discoverer, no mechanician, that deserves to be named in the same breath with certain Frenchmen of the same description. It was a Frenchman prescribed the laws of scientific inquiry, another that disclosed the principle of gra- vitation, another that demonstrated the circulation of the blood, another that invented the steam-engine, another that discovered the metallic bases of the alkalis. We owe locomotives and railways to France. The whole railway system is, in fact, a French idea. As to music, ting, sculpture, and all the higher d ments of art, not only do the French beat us all to nothing, but they also beat e Italians and Germans, to whose sublimest poetical geniuses, an profoundest writers, moreover, a great many of their own are immea- gurably superior. To say that the Army and Navy of France are, the latter as well as the former, incomparably greater, better disciplined, and more efficient, than our land and sea forces, is to concede far fess than the truth. Their excellence is not only absolute, but relative, they are stronger and better than ours in proportion to their size; one Frem is a match for three Englishmen ; and our conflicts with the French, both in the field and on the ocean, have been, on our part, an almost uniform series of apm We never were the victors in anything like a fair and equ t. Finally, it has been reserved for thé French to do what we have never yet been able to accomplish; to “teach the nations how tolive” under a constitutional government, and to enioy. personal liberty, and the | freedom of the press and of speech, compatibly with order. The foregoing acknowledgments are due to a nom but modest. nation, and will, it is hoped, afford those ignorant Britons who would like to know in what particulars the French so vastly excel us as they are alleged to do, the desired information. One of the Worst Aspects of the American War. Since the great scarcity of Cotton, the Parisian milliners have been charging fifty, and seventy, and as much as eighty-two_ cent. extra for a» Sore If the scarcity should still continue, it be frightful to contemplate upon the thousands and thousands of French beauties that will be pinched by the want of it during the coming winter. LAST LINE FROM THE FRENCH KORAN. THERE is but one Naponzon, and the Moniteur is his propnet. ation they have. ac t tap thin fo bo of mack 0, Stree ae : sdngy ment The tales fe : in crying “Yah-hah!”— | and uttering similar yells indicative of their several com- | day morning especially intolerable, in what to be the e 4 Let steoet ices of London. ‘the shouts ana Mackerel ! ” r the mind which is | _e | ae rT = na > Se es oe ot ae ele ee eS a ?Poo wd

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Sess hr Pd RSS S REE ° =~ S227 e290 T 7 86 ’ the Exhibition at Florence, by an ass. He says :— to extend to both sides of one But it was reserved for o Star and Dial to illustrate Pd prince And the members of the Middle oe to their heart's content pretty toy, and played out to the end a merry game which must have been m their serious most acceptable relief fro: gabentions. PENNY EDITING. * Tue excellent rule, “hear both sides,” has not hitherto been t newspaper. It there is some sort of y saggy among the contributors to a — orning in that free-trade paper no haughty edi - homely, and it may be, more dignified t is usually supposed contemporary the iples of Freedom i oe all their pase. tor has a veto, no smart in another. admission of royalty among its members ; the auspicious opening of its new library by one who will at some future, and it is Bieta , period be king of Crinolines. Si ? - presume that on “ante ine a bad old values on morality, and what is vice in one man’s eye is almost virtue THEATRE ROYAL, PRESTON, Would sixteen stone would be ton ke his man, but STAGGERERS FROM THE STAGE. Tues theatrical avertismenta grow ae and more rding to the us. 3 eek we respondent of the in} open” at a stated time, as though his description of the | week passes withou t some would do perplexing, ager beng wasiad to Sa never s else or bine utilit Toading busigess,” which really pe okin ages undertake the uti of « bina’ dog. in aanalie these puzzles, only look at this :— ANTED, immediately, ered HEAVY Bae; one that understands tae | yy Melodramatic Pieces. , ak a good OLD MAN. * We wonder how much does the ? And what age must the “ acne. * have attained to be held though But then what he Emperor has s by calling in the aid of M‘Apam. Is oo. no M assistance he could invoke, to P Of course nobody would minds put vastly di erent e really think more details should be furnished on these points, if writer a ee tk the w but the any penny ania chi s allowed a Stor only A prevent es ary writing : oe the man who is oe cause 0} tay 1st Vorenber, there is an article on the Proce or| 4 naaelety gs pose vt Se ee almost to death with _ prateernen Wazes in the Temple, and there is also a vividfaccount of the cere-| jonams monials, These a aera ma face each other in the opening of the ; Star—they shall, in in part, domed lo so here, in testimony of Mr. Punch’s ad- miration of the true Editing. There is a Revolution Always of Some Kind in Paris. RT neal OT i. 2 so |. ARIS. is still essentially the City of Barricades. There is only this inate 44 ipowre tg, aor onan NE oy ham Re acim the Temple. © | small difference : formerly the barricades were erected by men with the help of stones ; nowadays they are erected aa? women in the shape of down the former VE, wh ose crus him to put down the latter —; om tod nelat whieh wa wat Perha: —— hepa Reed any a ect ng ad that was ca cenage « Agetewetgee Bory he oh ~ aes ma is, that though the ‘the revolution hes been successfully accom- otal oat alitieaite, ° aad ‘h | plished, the barricades still continue, ms aye — and are felt to event after it is over, it is to dreadfully i in the way of p om Pees, whose decide which was of the most ~ ig temper, or dress, is not oy ot Oo ened in th in + op aw! inna aesuaete they id importance, the openin > | maps on the investiture of the Parmcn OF Wales with the privil and ata oe maar of ta, fe one most enco' e times that a member of our Royal Family forward to vende not the honours whi are given to warriors, but those er honours which attach to a profession that has done much to maintain the liberties of the people and their sovereign rights.” Painve—stiff, senseless aah Other jolly well boggared firs Sia ctkes to wtica to aeheag The Secret of the American Blockade. unbending, intolerable, ruinous Pride—is at the bottom of it. They ‘ll not cotton to one another—and they'll see = they ’ll allow either ‘the one A Likeness Taxer.—A Prize-fighter. us, make to get over them. Gladstone’s Advice, and Punch’s. Tue way for a sensible man to behave, Aware of the peminge, bank plan, Is to take to the Poat-shop the fewest of letters, And utmost of shillings he can. W. E. Guapstone. THE ST. STEPHEN OF LITERATURE. THE ROYAL GAME OF BRAG. So many stones and pebbles have been thrown at M. pu account of the trustworthiness of his book, that we better, to express the treatment he has received from the hands enemies, than change his name to M. pu Camzov. think CHAILLu, on he cannot do of his A Cockngy classic says that the Kine or Prossta, when he bragged he his poe wg about the Divine evidently filled ivinus 1%

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PA a, : 7? x Ay” ; a t MP” Spx. SY hh : Madgtae, f~ By Stele’ PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT. Our Volunteers in Devon are not likely to continue carpet-knights, as the annexed extract from their published regulations will show. “Every Volunteer must ‘provide for his own personal comfort, subject to the conditions already specified as to e, and to such other Regulations as may be laid down for the good order of the camp. But the attention of Volunteers is directed to the following points :—a. A complete change of woollen clothing, in- cluding two flannel shirts, woollen drawers, and socks, and a woollen cap. 0b. 9) | blankets, no sheets. c. A camp bedstead, or a bedtick, sacking, canvass bag, or yy ~ to be stuffed with straw. The straw will be supplied gratis at the camp. | d. Towel and —_ ¢. Needles and thread, strong pins, a piece of cord or a strap, ni yf A plate, mug, fe, fork, and spoon. “In addition to the above articles for each individual, there should be for eacir tent or mess :—g. A tarpauling, winnowing sheet, or other waterproof cloth to- spread under the bedding. A. A pail or bucket to hold a supply of water; if the top will serve as a basin, all the better. i. One or two saucepans, with the long iron handle taken off, and a semicircular wire handle substituted. j. A tin or fryin (handle removable). &. A net to hold rations of meat or vegetables. l. A hatchet or bill-hook.. m. A spade. n. A lanthorn. *“N.B. The articles marked A, i, j, should, if possible, be packed one inside another.” SAMUEL THE SAINT-SEER. We rejoice to see the Bisnor or Oxrorp on his legs again, for he | has been laid up, and he is a famous orator. In a speech highly calcu- | lated to sustain his —- for eloquence, made at York, on behalf of the county blind-school, occurs the very remarkable sub- joined. “Let every man,” said the Bishop, “think how to hisneelf through the eye had come the sense of beauty”—and so forth :— “* Let him think what it was never once to have looked upon the innocent bright- ness of an infant’s countenance ; what it was never once to have seen the radiance and glory which mantled around the features of the Holy Saints.” | The foregoing passage is very fine, but rather obscure. What it is | “to have looked upon the innocent brightness of an-+infant’s counten- ance,” most + poole know. Brightness is a quality commonly ascribed to smiles, e all of us, who enjoy the use of our eyes, have seen many | a baby with a clean shiny face, just washed, smiling an expression of thepurest innocence, the process of ablution being over ; although, a few moments before, during that process, it had been crying fright: ‘lly, and making the most vicious faces. But how many of us have seen “the radiance and glory which mantle around the faces of the Holy Saints ?” Pictures of the luminous appearance, which the Dishop thus alludes to are familiar enough to the 0 sa ed people; but the phenomenon itself isone that we never, heretofore, knew pares y who had witnessed, or thought that he had, or even said that he had. Bisor WBERPORCE, however, who mentions it as a matter of ordinary observa- tion to all but the blind, is of course constantly in the habit of seeing it under favourable conditions himself, and thinks that it is seen as well by mankind at large. But. he is evidently, by special faculty, a seer of saints ; and he seems to see so many as to make it ged that they are } more numerous now-a-days than they are generally.supposed. The poeomeneanee with which the old painters usually represent the eads of holy prelates as surrounded, may be an emanation of what Baron REicHENBACH calls the Odic or Odylic light, perceptible only } to certain persons, whom he terms “sensitives.” Perhaps the Bisnop or Oxrorp is a sensitive, and thus accustomed to behold thé radiance and glory mantling around the features of the Holy Saints; that is to say, when he sees them in the dark, for then only are the odylic rays. | visible. When, therefore, the Bishop, going to bed at night, pu mi candle out, and is consequently, acco: to the solution of the popular riddle, where Moses (the tailor) was, under the same circumstances, let us cherish the supposition that he beholds the reflection of a brilliant halo whensoever he casts his eyes on the looking-glass. ‘Theatrical Intelligence. Our Irish Correspondent writes to say that Parrt has been per-. }j forming Martha in Dublin. The opera, he informs us, n a great q success. ‘The singer identified herself from beginning to end most closely with the character,—so much so, that her warm-hearted admirers declare that the name of the opera should for the future be altered from 4 Martha to Parry. KICK HIM HARD, HE SHOULD HAVE NO FRIENDS. ‘”?! A CorkesronxpENt wants to know whether it be because the winter | is approaching that BLonprn for the time has given up his Summer-sets ? Printed by William Bradvury, of No. 13. Upper Woburn Praters, at their Office te ‘ z Sarunp at, November 9, 1861, Ne Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen's Read W: Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, ja the City of London, and Published ort Megent’s ox Middlesex, at No. 85, of London.— both ia the Parish of St. 1 the Street, in the Parish of St: Weide, tm the

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"PUNCH, OR THE LONDON “CHARIVART. THE SONG OF THE YOUNGER, SON. marry 4 Could. chance to find | Docs vos oo expensively Rj Will no A waekhy 088s, Aud Wik ween tee husband Better than her dress. Who will share his fortune, Nor complain of his close fist, Ane beams a of Without a lady’s maid. Who'll not think a vay . walking ana cause for fight or fuss. ye on emergency ill travel by a *bus. : Who ’ll mend a shirt or stocking, And a pie or pudding make, And will not want a doctor If her little finger ache. A wife who’ll not look sulky If carte blanche she be denied With her milliner and jeweller, And fifty shops Who’!l not lie in bed for breakfast, Nor of cruelty com If she lunch Without ot jelly, And dine without champagne. To fancy fairs and flower-shows a oe a or wi “— a ihe m9 With slow.” Who can ive oes French novels, And without an opera stall, Nor will want three pete nightly, And twice a-week a ball ' Win ne ss “ FRIEND NEED.” or want six new gowns 4 day, A IN s” ETC. And won't see her os of nose up Jonzs (inebriated—good-hearted fellow, but will break out at times). “ Goin’ At a six eae as owd inner par'y’st tell’s where 'tis, Oldfellar’, sh’ - - - shtrikesh mesh highlpro'ble Whol walk out with her husband sh? want Bail b’fore morro’mor'in.” If he can’t afford a Nor will deem a year old bonnet A fit ground for a divorce. PLAN FOR RELIEVING THE BISHOPS. Who will be content with Margate, When taken to the sea, Tae real Archbishop and -head of the English Church, Dr. Lusaineton, has Nor will think her Henny vulgar given his decision in the matter in which his subaltern, the Bisnor or Wux- If he order shrimps for tea. CHESTER, demanded his interference; a clergyman named Heatu haem the Find me such a charmer, delinquent. AncuBIsHop Puncn i Re. of course, not going to stamp on theological With health and temper good, and evades remark upon the case itself, beyond the observation that Arcu- And then ask me if 1’d marry ? BisHor LusHINGTON seems to regard bustli "Bisor Burner as the Fountain of T should rather think I Souil! 1 Anglican Theology, a view which will much delight the Patristics and others. But a more ical — oan to the Fleet Street Archbishop. His most rev and right reverend Brethren in lawn complain that they are over-worked —or rather, for there is a —_ distinction between the phrases—that there is Dumb Dog Tearem. too much which the ey ought to AxcusBisHor Puncu therefore proposes to save them a great deal of trouble. Why not remit candidates for orders at once to head-|_ WxosedogisTearem? That Tearem alone omg i ? Why not send them up direct to Ancubisnor Lusamcton? Let a| he is silent. The Hungarian Constitution is abolished do his worst, it is to the Lushington tribunal that he must come at last, gary is placed under something like martial law ; but not, a his dinccsan has little or no power over him. Send him to AncasisHor LusHrne- nor even a whine from Tearem. Can Tearem be muzzled! 4 in the first instance, to be put through his theological paces, and duly trained | Is Tearem the dog of Joux Bout, or Francts-Josern’s dog ? for for his 1 race. Then, if he bolts out of the course, it will be AncusisHor Lusu- Tearem represents himself as a house-dog ; nt what sort of rneton’s business to deal with his own pupil. Axcusisnor Ponca es a house-dog is he? Surely not a Hapsburg-House Dog ? eet Convocation to consider this proposition, which has come strongly upon since his perusal of the Heats case, and his discovery that the re head of ae English Church is the excellent and venerable ARCHBISHOP LUSHINGTON. MONSIEUR MONOPS. Ia Presse considers that “ France must cues to keep an eye on Dappes.” If she is Rag eep one eye Quire a Dirrerent ARTICLE. ~The New York Herald says that the arms of | on tt, her motto had better be, yg one of the Bull’s Run regiments “shone so bright! r that you would fancy they Dapibus Cyclops. were clectroplated.” Possibly. It would need a bolder imagination to fancy that : 4 the bearers were Britannia metal. Snorinc.—The Voices of the Night. VOL, XLI.

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Phy | sent period, I may mention that the trio to whom | and Mr. Puers at Sadler’s Wells. _ playgoers, who reverence the text, will on the whole acknowledge his | somewhat mumbles in| % : | emotional effect. But his conception on the whole is excellently ren- | most touc | to his soldier’s occupation, and the low voice and quivering lip with | | which he sobs the answer ‘ not a jot—not a jot :’ aa | of his jealousy he gives the fullest utterance to the passion of the text, | | Mr. P | bered would indeed be a far more fitting word, ) I think t | a proof of taste. | } | } | | | | is the onk | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 16, 1861. | means to be cited as'a sample OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. wine to Monsieur FEecuHTER, dear Punch, there is quite a shower of blacks just now upon the stage, enough really toremind one of the shower of Ethiopians wherewith our thea- tres were deluged some few years ago, and whereof some sprinklings are seen still in the streets. Tn the week wherein I write there are in London three Ofhel- los engaged in black- ing their faces to appear before the public; and although that fact may seem to savour of mono- tony, there is no lack of varietyin the parts as they are played. For the benefit of playgoers of a dozen : centuries hence, to whom Punch will doubtless be the only journal extant of the pre- i I have referred Mr. Brooxe at Drury Lane Of these, the first paw secon are as capone in style as two actors well can be; the one full of intellectual polish and refinement, while the other-relies mainly upon physical exertion, and wins the will of the gallery by his vehe- mence of voice. Mr. Puenps’s eareful reading is, I take it, pretty much the juste miliew between the two; and I suspect most Englis are M. Fecurer at the Princess’s, reading to be the best. I should like im certain scenes to see him rather more impulsive, as befits the ‘fiery’ Moor; and at times he uiterance, through an over-straining of as Richelieu a night or two ago, and I own that I was xot reminded of Macreapy, who was the last actor I saw playing the part. Mr. Boorn is young, and by study may improve: but folks will scarcely go to see him merely for the reason that they went to see his father. “ Tt is odd to see what shifts the managers are put to by the dearth of ic actors, and the new-born taste for tragedy. At Mr. Roxpy has to do himself a violence an little better than a set of walking sticks. At the Haymarket, however, of Sandon and I need not say how ludicrous are the inevitable re- sults. effected are enough to make one smile : for when little Mr. CLARKE stalks on with tragic strut, one cannot well help thinking of him as a comic waiter, so strongly is that image of him stamped on your mind’s eye. It must surprise your country readers to learn that tragedy is finding a home here inthe Haymarket, where they have often given vent to such bois- terous guffaws; and I fancy when the Cattle Show attracts them there next month they will look for Mz. Bucxstone to play the part of Hamlet, while Mx. Compton acts the King, and Mr. Roeexs plays the Ghost—the libretto of the tragedy explaining that this ‘ shadow,’ since his late retirement from the cares of kingly state, has led a very cosy comfortable life, and has thereby not unnaturally grown a little stout. “Owe wuo Pays.” CLERICAL. DESTITUTION. THERE ave snug things in the Church. Only look at this :— HURCH PREFERMENT FOR EXCHANGE—A RECTORY, desirably situated within sight of the Sea, in an exceedingly picturesque County; house, roomy and good; glebe, 82 acres of first-rate land. Income, well id, over £400 a year. P tion 215. No Meeting or Public House in the parish. in EXCHANGE the NEXT PRESENTATION to a Rural Rectory, subject toa life of not less than seventy. Income must not be less, nor ulation greater. Age of applicant must not be less than forty. : Avida novitatis est Variety is ¢ humana, as the Eton to change it for one that might prove less so. For in the “rural rec. tory” of which he is in search there might very likely be a pothouse or a meeting-house, while in his present sea-side has neither of these nuisances to harass him. Considering this, we are dered, and fully shows that he qeprem the poetry of SHaKsPEARE, | and the grandeur of the part. Yot being sentimental, his pathos is | me in its natural simplicity ; instance s cially the farewell | in the outbreaks | without stoopimg to the vulgar rage and rant and roar, which the ‘great | actor’ Mr. Beccns now vents in what the playbills call his ‘ grand | impersonation.’ _ , : x is “In fine, having last night seen him vastly to his disadvantage, (for I am bound to say, is wretchedly supported—encum- i t his Othello is decidedly worth seeing: and they who rail so scornfully at much- abused ‘ tradition’ may learn from Mr. Peps that ‘tradition’ has its beauties, as well as its defects, and that to violate it needlessly is not HELPS, “T must just add, however, that the Sadler’s Wells Jago is by no le of tradition, or to be commended for his boldness of departure from it. The actor rather seems to view it as a semi-comic character : and in this light pit and gallery most cheerfully accept it, and give him roars of laughter, and thunders of a, Now, though tradition far too much insists on fiendish scowls and sneers, and such a devilish deportment as no one could assume and yet be thought an ‘ honest’ man, still the words Jago speaks, as set down in the text, could not in any truth to nature from such a person as the er’s Wells Jago presumes himself to be. I lay stress on this fact, because in general Mr. Puxtrs is careful in his cast: and as he good tragic actor left us (M. Fecurter is not British-born, and therefore does not count) one wishes, for our credit’s sake, to see — supported, and so put upon his mettle, and acting quite his “M. Fecurer still continues to cram the house in Oxford Street ; and whatever be his failings (I shall write about them shortly, and shall have to write at greater length, I think, of hi points) it must at any rate be owned, that he has helped to bring down many a dusty SHaxksPEARe from its shelf, and has revived the taste for some- thing better than burlesque. Besides the shower of O¢hellos to which I have referred, the play of Richard ITI. has been presented to the has: for surely the relief to a well-constituted mind of knowing that no drinking or dissenting folk rury Lane | R Y appear as Roderigo, | while the walking gentlemen who take the other characters are very | | a whole company of comedians have on a sudden to assume the bearing | Merely from the bare association of ideas, the metamorphoses | | South or West of land preferred, harming gens Latin grammar elassieally phrases it. Else one well might wonder that | @ parson in possession of so snug a berth as this should feel any wish | ise it seems that he | surprised that he will swop for the same meome as that which he now | live near one is wortlewhat in the law is | alled “ consideration a and should as much enhance the value | ea of a clerical preferment as t of a house. bsence of street-organs would the value | Moreover the advertiser clearly loves an easy life, or he | would not be so careful to guard himself against a larger population. | Over four hundred a year to cure a couple of hundred souls, as things | now go, we think, is pretty decent pay: and with a “ good and roomy house” in extremely pretty country, one might manage one would sermon once a week, and once a month or so go through the labour of christening. STATISTICS FOR THE NURSERY, (From the Moniteur Vinicole.) Farr Brussels takes the lead in beer, Proud Stockholm loves her brandy, Madrid is great m chocolate, Dear to each Spanish grandee. Vile absinthe keeps gay Paris pert, The Turk for coffee craves, Strong wines fill up the Britons’ cup, Who never will be slaves. But you look here, my little man, Be wiser than the bunch : Through all your life pursue one plan, And always stick to Nothing Like Lather. A Fasuionaste Soap-monger incessantly exposes and advertises “Bar Soap.” We dare say that it is very good; but whence the name? Has the Bar so many dirty hands that it must have a special soap invented for it ? Or is it an invention to enable the Bar the better to soap over juries? Or is it for washing what Lady Macbeth calls a “filthy Witness”? We request an explanation, accompanied by a few public, and actually the little theatre in the Haymarket has seen the tragic buskin on its Buckstonz-trodden boards hundred pounds of the article against Friday next, which happens to . Lsaw. King Richard | be our washing-day. fancy to live tolerably comfortable, even though one had to preach a | fh 8 @8 ether’ ae 7 me . See et. kk dk inn ae

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- > the cial tter ls a few s to Novemprr 16, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. NURSLINGS OF THE WAVES. Ow Monday last week commenced the winter session of the Univer- sity of Edinburgh, when an eloquent introductory address touching science in general was delivered by Principal Srr Davin Brewster. Unfortunately the address of the learned Principal was, owing to the construction of the hall in disregard of acoustics, very imperfectly heard (the reporter tells us) by a large proportion of the audience. Yes, this was by | unfortunate. One of the accomplished lecturer’s sentences n thus :—“ Considering the ocean but as the nursery of the whale and its congeners.”” These words having been very imper- fectly heard by many of the listeners, were —_— misapprehended, and some literal and stolid students present naturally understood Sm Davip Brewster to state that the ocean had been considered the nursery of the whale and the conger eels. BATHING FOR BEDLAMITES. WE were surprised beyond measute on Wednesday morning last at finding in the Times the following intelligence :— ** The bathing season in Hyde Park has now terminated.” This startling information was conveyed in a short paragraph relat- ing to the Royal Humane Society and setting forth, with other highly interesting details, that— “The number of bathers in the Serpentine, from the commencement of the year | to the 3rd instant, was 71,356 in the mornings, and 296,943 in the evenings. * * | The ber of attempt was eight, of whom five were rescued, and the | remainder were not discovered in time to be saved.” | If we remember rightly, “the Serpentine was frozen over at the | commencement of the year,” and the temperature was somewhere in | the neighbourhood of zero: while on the evening of the third instant | there was a hard frost, and we should at either period about as soon | have thought of blowing out our brains as of bathing in the Serpentine. | Tastes differ, it is true, but if we ever were caught bathing when the | glass was down to freezing point, we think whoever us out | would be quite justified m Saree we were attempting suicide. | Clearly a Society which calls itself “‘Humane” should do all within its sino to prevent half-witted persons from taking insane headers when he snow is on the ground, and thereby catching in all likelihood cold, ' ague, cramp, neuralgia, sore-throat, bronchitis, asthma, lumbago, cough, | and rheumatism, onl taltiedinesn other highly disagreeable ailments, | proceeding from the chills which human fles is heir to. Implacable Jonathan. Tr is impossible to ae the Yankees. They are not satisfied with our leaving them to themselves, and they also complain that we will not stand a loan. No wonder that we do not cotton together, and it is not likely we shall, so long as they continue to keep us out of cotton. A LAMENT FOR OLD GUY. BY AN OLD HIGH AND DRY TRUE BLUE “CHURCH AND KING MAN.” Ou, ancient Guy, the time’s gone by, hen we rejoiced in thee ; With lantern dark in fingers stark, And matches fair to see ! November boys, with squibs and noise, And begging-box held high, Still know the hour the streets to scour, But where ’s mine ancient Guy ? A figure still parades the town, PR pint sn tawdry ill waves and wags its taw % And dangling labs in air. pia Gunpowder treason still doth lend A licence to the ery, That fills the air in street and square, But where’s mine ancient Guy ? The dummy thus paraded round Is not our ancient foe, Who Spooner still with hate doth fill. And NewpzGats also, ’Tis now the Pors with tinsel cope, And triple erown set hig A Buonprn e’en, just now I’ve seen— But where ’s mine ancient Guy? Is s that history has lost ts mgs for the That hatred hot of Papist pie Hath overboard been flung? lukewarmness hath quenehed the zeal Whieh blazed in times gone by, Till in mine ire I must inqui Where és mine ancient Guy? Or is ’t the ribaldry which jests With all things, grave or not. The sense doth dim of guilt in him Who plann’d Gunpowder Plot ? Is it since Punch so oft hath blown The Parliament sky high, That Fawxes is fallen from his throne, And gone mine ancient Guy ? Vile Innovation nothing spares Of all my childhood knew : The wisdom of our ancestors In all things we undo : E’en Punch, with alien characters, Unknown in days gone by, Behind his mask must blush to ask— Where is mine ancient Guy ? But if November has to mourn One desecrated day, Degenerate boys, new-fangled Guys, And old hates past away, The mirth is there, with its Lord Mayor, Who in his plate aos by; So long as he installed shall be, We’ve still one ancient Guy. While still in mangy mortar-cap The sword-bearer shall ride, While still in close-curlec. wigs the grooms March by the coach’s side, While still shall pass the man in brass, Amidst the small boys’ cries— For all we’ve lost, we yet may boast, We’ ve sev’ral ancient Guys ! Unpleasant Symptoms. We are very unhappy about the Bishop-Maker. We are sadly afraid that the Noble Earlis going over to the Church of Rome. He has been making a speech about the Bssays and Revievos, and has assured his working-class audience that the best way to be religious is to feel, and not to try to understand. This is sad, from the Protestant Suartes- BuRY. What else does every Popish priest tell his dupes? Will none of the Earl’s own hierarchs call upon the Bishop- , and feel his theological pulse? We repeat—we are very uneasy.

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) 4 =y Pee ~ SSS SSF MEE. SS ss SS > - ~. % meta Y Yh 1 oe r tJII WaT LLL x7} 7 i Pe dk ) UU es a CEs ie. ~ “ — ~ Se \ BON AY wy ‘wy AS \) { ‘ ’ Sa’ Pee ep hel TD FIRST DAY OF THE SEASON. Aunt Sally (who is very particular). “ Wett, Dear, DID YOU HAVE 4 NICE Ripe?” Diana (who is particular too, but jolly). “On! DgLicilovs AUNTY; AND DO YOU KNOW, WE FELL IN WITH THE Hounps—FouND A Fox At Merry’s GorSE, RUN HIM WITHOUT A CHECK FOR TWENTY MINUTES UP TO FRiIaR’s PLANTATION—BOTHERED US A LITTLE THERE, BUT WE HIT HIM OFF AGAIN, AND AWAY. WE WENT AS HARD AS WE COULD SPLIT, OVER Simmons’ ENCLOSURES—INTO BroADFIELD PARK—RIGHT THROUGH OLD Lapy GoLLop’s GaRDEN—YOU NEVER SAW SUCH A SIGHT—DIDN’T STOP THERE, BUT STEAMED AWAY DOWN FRESHWATER VALE, AND KILLED HIM IN THE OPEN, CLOSE TO DoLLMaAN’s HEATH—AN HOUR AND TEN MINUTES BY MY LITTLE WATCH, AND CHARLEY BANGCROFT says I WENT LIKE A BirD, AND I’vE ASKED HIM IN TO LUNoH, aND I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S BECOME OF POLES AND THE CoacH HorsE!” HOW WE’LL BREAK THE BLOCKADE. Cousmn Jonatuas, listen, and don’t make a row, _Nor fancy you ’ll see the B. Lion afraid, We beg to inform you we’ve taken a vow. On the earliest occasion to Break your Blockade. We'll do it, old hoss, we ’Il have cotton, yes, Sir, Though your lying old Herald may splutter and rave, If we don’t, say the Lion aforesaid ’s a cur, And bid Mus. Brrrannta stop ruling the wave. Would you like to know how, Sir? Then don’t be an ass, Ground rifle, old hoss, leave that bowie alone : A quarrel wants two, and in spite of your sarce e won't be the Party to shy the first stone. But we’ll break your blockade, Cousin JonatHay, yet, Yes, darn our old ‘stockings, C. J., but we will. And the cotton we ’ll have, and to work we will set Every Lancashire hand, every Manchester mill. We’re recruiting to do it—we’ll make no mistakes ; There’s a place they call India, just over the way ; There we’re raising a force which, Jerusalem, snakes ! Will clean catawompus your cruisers, C. J. And we won’t have our eggs in one basket, dear boy, lace called Brazil, which you know’s real jam, me out, and the word’s to employ All hands that can help us to wop Uncle Sam. More power to our elbow, have ever you heard, Of Venezuela ?—come, answer us, du; i There, Cousin, we hear from a nice little bird, That a nice little rod is in pickle for you. Ex nihilo nihil, but that won’t be said Of a certain rich valley that nurses the Nile: We’re recruiting there, too, hoss, so hang down your head As if you’d no end of a brick in your tile. You immortal old goney! you reckon to lick The web-footed Lion that swims every sea ! We rather imagine he knows of a trick That will turn on your backs both yourself and Legree, You needn’t be nervous, no war flag shall flaunt, Nor powder nor steel will we trouble for aid, But we'll have all the cotton our mill-people want ; And so--and so only—we ’li Break the Blockade. ; He is the Government. Potrricat scribes whose education (as not unfrequently happens | with the best public instructors) has been slightly neglected, often appear in doubt whether the word “ Government’ is singular or plural. Some of ’em dodge the difficulty by writing that “Government has resolved to put forth their energy,” &c. so as to merge their dilemma in affectedly hasty writing. Bat whatever difficulty may occur in | ordinary times, there can be none now. Nobody will say that Lorp | PALMERSTON is plural. "FATS wWeuUTyTMm WoT Te tyoad yyie T SQorNTdenong¢ ~ || TO.. “TIad ‘WW “IVTT OMT, AOX AT . 1 NVWT, MTLTAT ONTIAWOTT

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Novenser 16, 1861. ws al ——————_ \ ea —ExEaSaaeeXrR _x=_— OVER THE WAY. Mr. Bou. “OH! IF YOU TWO LIKE FIGHTING BETTER THAN BUSINESS, I SHALL DEAL AT THE OTHER SHOP.”

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‘Novemasn 16, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

A L'HOTEL DES TROIS EMPEREURS. Porall tha sepie ae hand, my brow — the the god werd wis gra fate may smile, Force may keep down Law But ae of ‘Kings, those ose two-edged things, May pierce the There ’s Louis of France he leads the dance, Of and But underground I hear a sound— The fire’s surging breath ; From the Tuileries to Saint Antoine, There ’s a broad street running through, * ow way a ee keep for the cannon’ Ss sweep, the people too ! igi s Kaiser Franz can bid advance Five thousand men, On Hi or the Adrian Sem, But they come back With a bankrupt purse, , and T ok mary e’en now ; thousand men, oe curse, For twioe hundred I *d not be Franz, I trow There miniulisitinadie ‘Miike O’er ste sad owen bids fly, From the gg Me where Amoor The Chines well by. pie Chinese wall goes By F with bis £9 age Pea h ¥ ier I seem to hear rial thrones, to a fog ‘ayes, whose heave, e’en thrones can cleave, ith sudden } jar, from out the _ .

THE HEALTH OF IRELAND. tas bei polis eeu bythe questionable Tocondition of Ireland. Ts e ic, is e condition o n exe of base mate en vouddenly. Here, then, is a sto qo and that i in the case ot ox individual 2 . ; likely to be followed by apoplexy, pee and ot as die goo tions and » Hendon Tota r, and a parallel be drawn ABROPFand anyo, it will seen that ax c will ip off at a tangent from azor, and ppw and AROF im one point—thatof un- mitigated misery—are equal. Tuzonem IV.—<A Melodious Policeman in the area of « Square, demonstrates the Charms of Musie and the Force. ats eae Tice, ease a Fashionable Square, on one side of which is asc, a Soft Then sents eee he ASC, rie ieend ts mace into aac the square. THEOREM V.—Solution of the Verata Questio in reference to Bodies moving in Space. Let pF be the Plain Figure of a Fine Lady at the Court of the Prince Regent, and mB the circumference of a Modern Belle. Then from ac, the Acute Angle of the eye pale a Candid Critic, let attention | be drawn to 3, the Line of Beaut LB will be found to — considerably beyond PF, the Plain though undoubtedly within mB, the Circumference of the Belle. Corollary.—For the difference may be reckoned as equivalent to that eo ren Reo of two drums, ~ iy the fig-drum and the big drum. Faure,

A VERY FINE FRENZY. ‘* InpIGNATION makes verses,” says the old proverb, but i must e better. ones than those of a correspendent of Mr. eee The poet h, in such a rage with any person who does not assist, by ay Mr. HaitrwE.1’s most plan for preserving the = Gardens to the nation, that he breaks out into savage verse which he wants us to print. He “The wretch who won’t subscribe to Shakspeare’ s Garden Is a vile toad who is not worth a May all Ais dens be o’er-run with sings, His ‘heme with cousins, and his (No, really, we cannot print any more, We share his indignation, but do not admire its expression. less, we urge everybody to send his money to Mr. Hararwett.]}

No Popery! © courteeareme tag Catholic population of sent ang as tata a Moncx. He adds ho, ee igh

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novempzr 16, 1861. — @ iii HW AN I a | | | f Cassy. “ Hansom, Captain!” Captain. “ Haw, Yaas ; fancy so, rath-ar /” GARIBALDI’S HEADPIECE. Tue certainty that Garreapi has a head upon his shoulders is no doubt extremel vexatious to the Continental Absolutists, and perhaps even to some of their British friends, who would like to decapitate him. Anything by which they are forcibly re- minded of that incontrovertible fact must exceedingly annoy them, and therefore we have much emu in drawing their attention to a statement contained in the ‘onarchia Nazionale, which not only evidences the existence of ahead on the shoulders of Garant, but also proves that it has been put on the right way. The Ex-Kine or Naptes, the ex-Dukes of the Italian States, the Emperor or Austria, the Porz, and the Marquis or Normansy, will be enraged to hear that :— “ GeweraL Turr has announced to the Central Committee, in the name of GaRIBaA.pt, that it is the firm intention of the latter not to provoke any movement in favour of Rome and Venice ; and that his sole wish is that every means may be employed to p ite the ar t of the nation.” The Roman pear, according to our friend Louis NaPpotzon, is not ripe yet ; when it shall have attaimed to maturity it will fall of itself. Th> soundness of this Napo- leonic idea may be questioned, for that of the pear itself is disputable, appearances strongly indicating that the Roman pear is not only ripe but rotten. However, there hangs the Ra; or the present, on the tree which enlightened France, by means of GenERaL Goyon and ten thousand bayonets, prevents its natural proprietors from shaking. But a day must come when the sleepy old pear. will fall at last. In the meanwhile the fruit-bud that might produce a fresh pear is liable to be nipped, and at least has no claim to be permitted to expand. The Sovereign Pontiff pear, still pendent, hangs by prescription, but any future specimen of that fruit which the gardeners of the Sacred College may of gpowi : in its place, they will attempt to develope against the will of their masters It people. They will be justly entitled to cultivate a pontifical pear for themselves, but they will have no right to impose a pear corresponding to a King Pippin on the nation of which they are not the representa- tives. Enlightened France is under no obligation to protect any future pear, and will of course immediately retire from the orchard, and leave the pear-tree in the rightful possession of Italy; if of an armed Italy, then of an Italy that will hold the tree fast apie, all coer By Sunt Sime, ng, enation pear probably be ripe for . opera- tion may require pep te ig i Italian men will be enabled to wield by taking, and only by taking, GaRIBALDI’s judicious advice, keeping quiet, hiding their time, and in the meanwhile employing every means “ to promote the armament of the nation.’ THE TRIUMPHS OF OWEN. BY THE MUSE OF THE MUSEUM. (Slightly altered from Grax.) OweEn’s praise demands my song, OwEN wise and Own strong, But in spite of OwEN stout, All the beasts must toddle out. Out with weazles, ferrets, skunks, Elephants, come, pack your trunks ; You no longer dwell with us, Yawning hippopotamus. Dusty, straddling, split giraffe, You have stayed too long by half, Go and take some nice fresh air With that grim-eyed Polar bear. ** Fish, fish, fish,” your Duty calls Somewhere else than in these walls, Flounders, you must go, that’s flat, With the salmon and the sprat. Cloud of birds, ascend and fly, Migrate to some kinder sky : Perky, shiny, glittering things, Leave the wing that holds your wings. Fossil Man, you too must pack, Take your slab, Sir, on your back, Or, if you’d prefer a ride, Mount the Mammoth by your side. Eggs, be blowed, if you’d not break, You your it now must make ; Yes, your must turn to legs, Yes, as sure as eggs is eggs. All those myriad butterflies, _ Pins and all, must please to rise, We can use in other ways Miles of camphor-scented trays. Diamonds black, and diamonds bright, Henceforth charm suburban sight, Follow beasts and birds and bones, All you tons of labelled stones. From that yellowish liquor take Every coil, you spotted snake, ** Bonny beetles in a row,” Stir your stumps, for you must go. Mother Nature, beat retreat, Out, M’m, from Great Russell Street ! Here, in future, folks shall scan Nothing but the works of Man, Yet look glad, for Owen stands Moulding Giapstone to his hands ; Soon you ’ll have a Palace new, Worthy Owen, us, and you. Spite Carried to its Utmost Malignity. Aw ingenious friend of ours says he has discovered the secret of Nessus’ Shirt. He says it was a shirt with all the buttons off. It was sent to Hercules pur- posely to annoy him, and the effect was, that every time he put it on, the absence of the buttons used to put Hercules into such a burning rage, that ultimately it was the death of him ! ache i ak “Ts.” ee ee ete ee

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1 Novemprr 16, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 201 we still more awkwardly constructed ; for when he tells us that he “ teaches tian WAR-SONG FOR THE WITLERS. all the subjects himself, thus insuring their passing,” by all the rules era- : of grammar we are bound to understand that it is the “subjects ” men F O, froth your beer} His Holiness the Porz, notwithstanding the quantities of bitterness in your bubbly} which he has continually to swallow, and the lacerations which his : can, paternal heart is always undergoing, enjoys, nevertheless, no small see My blatant, bla-| consolation im the shape of Peter’s Pence, and the state which those = thering 'Publi- oma pe Oy al enable him to maintam. For example, his Holi- can. ness, the other day, according to intelligence received from Rome, SS No time to lose, | went to dine with the Benedictine monks at the monastery of St. Paul, For your vested | extra muros, where military honours were rendered him by four companies 5 = goose | of Papal Zouaves and half a battery of artillery, and :—,; Stern Giappy will ¥ Bight cardinals, three French generals, numbers of ministers, prelates, m: } f vend

Y cook, as he dou- of g and Zouaves, and other ecclesiastical and lay guests, rr bly can. honour of dining with his Holiness, and of listening after the I to 6 tan fo the Pontiff's hemour, sung by 200 youths, to each of whom the Pore subsequently Yes, froth your béer m your bubbly can, gave a silver medal, with his own portrait on one side, and that ofthe Virgin Mary My matical Publican, on the other. or GLADSTONE ’s prayed The honour which his Holiness did himself _in issuing a medal thus To open the Trade, stamped indicates a feature which pictures of Roman Pontiffs represent And tax the Traffic, my Publican. most of them as largely endowed with—cheek. He can afford some . ostentation by means of Peter’s pence into silver. He is not So, froth your beer in your bubbly can, then so badly off. Come, the Pops he does lead a happy life after all. My frothy, wrathy Publican, Par from not knowing where to lay his head or to find a meal, his Lo — tyrant stands Holiness seems to enjoy himself pretty much after the fashion of the Like af ith menacing hands, Lorp Mayor of London, with the occasional addition of having a e # fierce Timour, or a Kublai Khan. hymn sung in his honour by two hundred choristers, wherein Pio Nono So froth your beer in your bubbly can, &c. has tho alanine of Cusrrt. It may here be remarked that there exists a certain analogy between the — ae and the Rovenan Paar ae are [ead — reigns: but the Lorp YOR Is electe e Livery, who represen’ ARMY PREPARATION. the City of London, whereas the Pore is chosen by the C who . cd ; represent only the Romish Priesthood. Moreover the Porx not only Tue assertion has been made that British officers are Sometimes | Rome, but dale to rule the adjoining states: now part of the sadly ignorant of a ag and can hardly write six words without bad | kin ‘

es Ne dom of Italy. The Lorp Mayor, however, confines his ambition mar or bad spe in them. Whether this be their own fault, or | withi eal : : fhe fault of their schoolmasters, it would be no cay matter to deter: within the limits of the City, and .does not also pretend to reign over mine : : the metropolitan counties. ; but that their teachers are occasionally careless) in their lan- | Undoubtedly the resemblance between the Porr and the Lorp Mayor a glance at the Times newspaper will very often show. Here’ j, infinitely closer {than another which has been suggested. CarDINaL or instance is a sample which we extract at random from a score of| Beprwr, Archbishop of Viterbo and Toscanella, recently invested with such advertisements, which daily are addressed to future Wellingtons | red wideawake an stockings, in a pastoral letter addressed to his and Napiers, whose education for the army is at present incomplete —| diocesans on the institution amongst ded of a Pious Confraternity of PREPARATION for the Army, Woolwich, and Sandhurst.—A married | the obolus of St. Peter, or society for the ciroumvection of the Triple officer, late of Her Majesty’s Royal Artillery, whose pupils have invariably | Hat, after highly commending the devotion which the wi posoed their examinations with very great credit, RECEIVES, as members of his the obo/us, proceeds to institute that other comparison. In the words amily, FOUR YOUNG GENTLEMEN, to prepare for their respective destinations, of our informant :-— and, by a scientific course of instruction, reader them efficient officers and eligible "2 to hold staff appointments. References of the highest respectability and most “‘ His Eminence goes on to compare these gifts to the offerings of the wise men of satisfactory testimonials are offered. Address R. A., &c. the East to our Redeemer, thane example is so well followed by his Vicar on h,’ and winds up by inviting his flock to follow likewise the faithful ee : : star, If “ R, A.” has a dictionary, and will take the trouble to refer to If, | ir | represented by the pious association, invites them like the Magi, to he will discover that “prepare” has the letters “v. a.” put with it, | their tribute at the feet of the persecuted Man-God (ai piedi del perseguitato Vom- implying (he knows doubtless) that it is an active verb. Being such, | Dio.y it requires an accusative case after it, and therefore the word “them’ The banquet which the Holy Father en} at the monas' of St. ought to be supplied. Whether among his testimonials “ R. A.” have | Paul cutaialy appears mules tn find a ioveilal in the festival of the one to testify his knowledge of good English, is a matter for the parents | Ninth of November than that of any other memorable day. The like- of his pupils to inquire; but if grammar be embraced in his “scientific | ness between the Magi or wise men of the east and the subscribers of course,” we really think the less they learn of it from him, the more | Peter’s pence, alle; by CarprnaL BEprnt, is also very questionable ; eligible will his young gentlemen be for staff appointments ; albeit such | {>> the latter may be truly said to differ as well from wise men as from appointments may not require such perfect mastery of English as is Magi in the essential particular of being no conjurors, inasmuch as they required of men appointed on Mr. Punch’s staff. ; e ially said rom the same day’s Zimes we take another sample of bad lan must necessarily belong to a class of persons who are proverbially in which these military teachers far too frequently indulge to be expeditious in parting with their money. ARMY EXAMINATIONS.—A Clergyman, M.A., RECEIVES and PREPARES CANDIDATES for direct appointments in Her Majesty’s Service.

Py Oo i age oe ee e takes only a few, an es e Subjects himself, thus insuring their/ [wn the Cornhill Magazine is an article called A Week's Imprisonment — —_— “Ean eee ee Sw an oe ow in Sark. A Scotch friend writes to us to say that he can sympathise with the writer, for his own laundress has stolen all his night-gowns.

pur- From his clumsy style of writing one might fancy that this clergyman a d aoe, merely. Hrevered pupils but im ~ pardheomss Ol for he states

ly it trial,” whereas really he has} Huvr to a Peacs-Loyixe Nzeupoun.—France’s financier may y? His uext i England will not. many at first done no more than ip them to be passed. is even ' be Foun, but

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemser 16, 1861, o_o a - Snthe® Cran L im the Stren m™I] Neearetteshazhis . ; a * an\ athe Sliamal 1 ' é Fhe \! ~ f : } ta Kath ne A 3 dike? m=.) } : J “*] Hato 4 } 5 AN ORDER WE HOPE TO SEE ISSUED FROM SCOTLAND YARD. “Tas Police HAVE STRICT ORDERS TO Bonnet, PUT IN A Sack, anp Lock up| cately voiced,’ would MINIMISED MUSIC. Not in any way connected with Lorp Bacon’s Novum rganon, a new organ has been patented bearing the new | title of the “‘ Minima Organ.” Among other good qualities, |it is said to have “great compass,” notwithstanding its small size, and such “power of expression” and “ sweet- ness of tone,” as must subdue and mollify the sourest of the critics. Moreover, it is very “ delicately voiced,’ and although intended chiefly, of course, to please the ear, it is not devoid of ocular attractions; for like a gent in a police-court, it has an “elegant exterior,” and nobody who makes its acquaintance can deny that there certainly is something of the Swell about it. Its chief excellence, however, is its marked economy of space as well as cost, and the saving it effects will doubtless highly recommend it ~ people with small parlours and purses made to match. This much we have learnt from a description of the organ which the 7imes and Morning Post, and several other organs of opinion, have supplied. All that we would add is, that if what is said be true, we trust that the street organists will soon be furnished with these organs, instead of the old cracked-voiced squeaking instruments of torture where- with they have been hitherto permitted to torment us. To victims like ourselves, who unhappily are gifted with a ear for good music (and therefore suffer aural martyr- om, of course, when hearing bad), it would bea t relief were street organs invested with a “sweetness of tone,” in lieu of the shrill harshness wherewith they now afflict us ; and if they were made more “delicately voiced,” we should be less apt to consider them a nuisance. We wish then that some affluent and charitable people would get up a society to furnish these new o' to the grinders in the streets, and give them some instruction so to play upon the “ Minima,” that they may extract a minimum of noise from it. Of street organs we may say that the less they ’re heard the better: and for such purpose the “Minima” | seems evidently fit, as of all organs its name implies that | it must be the least. We are ever willing to encourage good inventions; and as these small organs must be suited for small parties, we grant hereby our gracious permission | to their maker to forward us a dozen as a present to our | little ones, who, not being like the Minimas, at all “ deli- doubtless shriek and shout their ALL URCHINS WHO DISTURB THE PEACE OF THE METROPOLIS BY SCREAMING OUT |shrillest at the sight of such nice playthings, .c., things *Drxres’ Lanp.’” | whereon to play. CRINOLINE is now assuming propertiqne which can only be correct] described as Cyclopean. It en a position as an. article of hard- ware on a gigantic scale. t it has come to will be terrifically obvious a, e subjoined advertisement, cut out of the Sheffield In- = TED, a Cold CRINOLINE ROLLER, to eS of Rolls. t first-rate Workmen and steady will be Apply to W. H. Baows & Co., Albion hen and Steel Works. , ef coming it a good deal too strong in their steel casings, and carrying more metal than what a reasonable man would willingly take in tow. The rolls of cold: Crinoline with which they encircle themselves are ar eyesore and an inconyenience against which it is much to be wished that an application to the Master oF THE Rois injunction. WILL YOU BUY ME THEN AS NOW? (The Indian Cotton Question.) Sheffield is the only place where the manufacture of Crinoline is — now that the f of Etna have ceased working. When | ulean forged the bolts of Jove, he little dreamt of being called upon to forge the petticoats of Venus. As the husband of that goddess, he | jected to her ing steel petticoats, and in his capacity | (have denlinad to make them. Wanted, at [ron j teel Works, “a Cold Crinoline Roller.” What monstrous engine is that which the Cold Crinoline Roller has to en of how many horse-power to work six pairs of Rolls? One, evidently, whose tremendous powers can only trusted in the hands of a first-rate workman and a me | man.- Fancy the iron attend- ant on the obstinate resistance offered by the cold hard Crinoline to the forcible operation of In its previous hot stage, glowing red on the stithy, Crinoline must present a sight of appalling splendour. Ho! ho! how the sparks must flash and fly from the Sollly ribs of steel under the er 4 of the contemporary Tusat-Cain, or more probably, the strokes of the Nasmytu steam-hammer! We have now both steel-clad men of war and steel-clad women, and the same powerful sosiinery 80 that required for plating a vessel seems necessary to case the fe sex in mail. Our steam rams walk the waters, or ought to do so by this time; and perhaps we shall soon have steam ewes, so to speak, walking the tho ‘ares in armour, the unfortunate down. The maidens of England id running will be so Strongly fortified that they will be susceptible of no impres- You have told me that you want me, and of course the truth you | speak, : “ For your looms half time are working, and your cotton you’ve to seek, No “ American” obtaining, under that severe blockade By the — States established, which suspends the Southern t e. But if North and South should happen ever to conclude their row Ere the ruin of their commerce, will you buy me then as, now ? Somewhat lower price that other article may then combine With a quality superior in a small d to mine. Money having been invested in the labour and the land Needful for my cultivation, with a view to your demand, Can I trust*that you’ll continue faithful to your present vow ? Better market once more open, will you buy me then as‘now ? Logical and Theological, Tue Mormons, through Mr. Bricnam Youne, have sent in their adhesion to the North. ‘Of course, The leading doctrine of Mormonism is Union without Affection. sion from any force under that of an ARMSTRONG gun. They are already d procure an | of N Place, aad Frederick Mullett Regen Pehda rien tom Resa bees aap ae ases SST ale LIPSEY sR both in the Parish of St. in the County Street, in the Parish of St, Bride, in the

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th you 've to nthern row Novemser 23, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 203 ST. DISRAELI TO THE RESCUE. (need we DisRAELI), a § views with applauding RAELI) in mortalise a sentences. claring his cate way of saying, theology. This, formerly Mysticism, became, he said, Critical, and by the Rationalists oo ritical, and was they have been erased from the intellectual tablets of living opinion. philosophical theologians arose in German +i. li they proved that was irrati { SABBATARIAN ESPIONAGE. On Monday last week, according to a police report at Hammersmith, ** Mrs. Saran Strarsvck, the landlady of the Cannon public-house, Queen Street, Hammersmith, was summoned before Mr. Dayman to answer the complaint of the pire | for having her house open on Sunday morning, the 3rd inst., before one o'clock.” This charge was supported by the solitary evidence of a spy :— “The only witness in this case was Police Constable Woopsrinc£ of the J Division, a plain clothes officer of Notting Hill. On the Sunday in question he was employed especially in the district of Hammersmith to watch the public-houses.” Police-Constable WoopBrincE swore that— «He saw thirteen men in the parlour or tap-room and ten men at the bar. This was about half-past twelve o’elock. The door opened in consequence of a knock from the outside, and he attempted to pass in, but was prevented. Though he stated that he was a constable and showed his card, he was pushed out. He swore that he succeeded in getting one leg and his head inside the door, and that in the struggle he was able to count the. men in the parlour and at the bar. He also saw a man drinking from a pot full of beer.” All these allegations Police-Constable Woopprince deposed ; and on his solemn oath— ** He further stated that he remained outside until one o’clock, and that he saw some of the same men come out of a private house in Ship Lane, a thoroughfare running on the side of the public-house.” Police-Constable Woopsripce haying made the above statements under the obligation acknowledged by kissing the Book, was then cross-examined by Mr. Martin, and— “* Admitted that Mr. ARNOLD, on the ground that he did not believe the evidence, dismissed a similar complaint against another licensed victualler in Hammersmith on Saturday.” O the accomplished Author of | bas itself become a myth. (Cheers and laughter. the Infernal Marriage,|*4 most distinguished votaries of that school have enlisted their Ixion in Heaven, an other theological works | and which, in deference to the spirit of progress, which is the charac- delivering, before the | Now, that is a literally true sketch of Bisnor of Oxrorp, and} which the most intellectual o all sorts of Archdeacons, | Ce2try, has passed Matters. R.. was an ex- but a secondhand medley of —_ Soret, inconsistent, and salf- . | destroying theories o religious was ever destroy y a phi- oy ely aa ae we. losophical theory. Philosophies destroy themselves. Epicurus was pe ? at least as great a man, I fhe. lay gitor kgs curus that subverted the pian ashing critici Mr. Disraru. He s A Pebib hee coat But on the other points on which it pleased the author of ‘forth by any of the cle- rical assailants of the| Means so sure t e book, the Bishop-maker follow Mr. DisraEtt’s advice. z He included. This part of eh the speech is so good - kdb nd oy quite so prudent, in oo when it is really only a which he has no control, Ag gen ‘action of | the Church Rate Question, Mr, Pune. clines to im.| 0! Zamered, and go in for the Rate in all its integrity and as addressing did—it Be Tee, aiHOrS | hole the Chatch will find itself. However, we will talk over ents with Society Fer pave ~ ee ~ recommended in the book] (a| this matter with him when we meet at Philippi; meantime people who took the Church’s hono d had : right to discredit. her doctrines), Mr. Disragii gave rh little “sketch of Game too much brains to fight decorously the battle of Bosh. “* But where is Rationalism, and where are Rationalists now? They have conned to exist; | Gazette published in the Moniteur of November 14th, Another school of 1 ; y>, and with profound learning and inexorable logic L . : ” {laughter)}—and they substituted for the rational | place of NAPOLEON THE THIRD resigned. scheme of the interpretation of the Scriptures a new scheme called the Mythical system. But ifit be true, which undoubtedly it is, that the mythical theologians triumphantly demonstrated that rationalism was irrational, equally true is it tha by this time the mythical system The most eminent energies and devoted their powers to a new and all-triumphant deve- lopement of German theology, which is now raging in that country, nam teristic, as we are told, of the nineteenth century, and which generally ony bs fn. ends in a recurrence to ancient id cheers and laughter)—this new een system consists in a most able revival of pagan pantheism. (Cheers.) the various fo nmae through of Germany during the last . (Hear, hear.) 1 ask you, is the Church to be Ch alarmed by such overreaching an speculations as these? on urch (hear)—and is society to be disturbed by a volume which is after all as Hcr1, yet it was not Ert- * So far, Mr. Punch has nothing but praise for his friend 6 far more peaks like a scholar and an orator. Coningsby to champion the Church, Mr. Punch is by no hat the respected Lady will do well to y recommended good thing in its way, but his coun- to the clergy to stand shoulder to shoulder, and take logical matters out of the hands of laymen, may not be uestion écraser Convocation, or not. And upon A submits that if the Mr. Drs-| Church should take the ground recommended by the author nity, which is a very of “ worth while” whether Lorp Patmerston sh: rmit.| the Parsons’ Parliament, few of his | 2ccept no compromise, AncuBIsHoP Puncu foresees great After de. | trouble in his packiepeane. In fact the counsel of Mr. belief that | D1S84ExI will exactly do what he said the Societies he was “Form one great whole ”—in which we compliment him on his brilliant speech, and fear he has maintained Tue Reat Ruter or France.—By an Extraordinary |“ M. Founp has been nominated Minister of Finance, in no outlet at the back, as the yard was surrounded by the walls of adjoining houses, and that there were no windows or doors through which any man could leave. It was denied that the constable showed his card.” Moreover— “ Inspector Hare said that he visited the house, accompanied by a constable, a quarter of an hour before, and that he found no men there.” Under these circumstances it was evident that Police-Constable Woopsrince had sworn to things which he had either dreamt or invented, and— “ Mr. DayMan said it was an extraordinary case, and dismissed the summons.” Of course the summons was dismissed—and perhaps an inquiry is now pending to ascertain whether Police-Constable and spy Woop- BRIDGE is a dreamer of dreams, or a deponent of things which are not. Under favour of the Magistrate, this was not altogether a very extra- ordinary case. By WooppripGe’s own showing a similar case had occurred on Saturday. Policemen in plain clothes appear to be not uncommonly employed to watch public-houses on Sundays. It is not unusual for them to inform against publieans for keeping open house at unlawful hours. Nor does it not occasionally happen that an intelligent stipendiary Magistrate like Mr. Dayman as contradistinguished from an unpaid old Sabbatarian blockhead of a Country Justice, dismisses the information, doubting the informant’s evidence. By many a County guorum of ’squires and parsons, and by many a theocracy of municipal Mawworms on a borough bench, every word that a police spy and informer had the audacity to swear against a publican accused of a breach of the Sunday laws, would be believed in the face of any number of witnesses. Mrs. Srarsuck, our hostess of the Cannon, may rejoice in hanging out that warlike sign under the reign of constitutional legality in free Hammersmith. ; i ft licemen dis- In contradiction of every word which the ate Police-Constable Woopsrin¢e had sworn, three witnesses were called. “‘ They swore that there were only three persons in the house at the time referred to, namely, Mrs. Srarsuck, the potman, who was placing his cans in the bar, and a man who had returned a ladder he had borrowed. They also proved that there was | VOL, XL, Y | guised in plain clothes sneak about as spies commissioned to catch out cannot be under orders from the Home Office that publicans in infringing a sectarian Act of Parliament, and for that urpose themselves tempt them to infringe it by opening their | coors. Will the Government a moment longer encourage the fellows | to bear false witness against their neighbours on trumped-up charges | of profaning the so-called Sabbath day ? |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [NovemBer 23, 1861. N N \ | | iN) se tl | } GY) Illy i "|| ‘| = a, — — MIRACULOUS MUSIC. *« Lornp Suarressory, while speaking at a meeting, at Birmingham, the other night, became so in that he was o! to resume his seat. A few verses of a hymn having been , the noble chairman —e_e recovered to be able to proceed with his ress.” Ir is very uncharitable, that is to say, very like the Record, not to have told us what the hymn was that was eaatly efficient in re- storing the health of a British Nobleman. It might be beneficial to others besides the ex- cellent Lorp SHartespury (who will be the last person to be offended at Mr. Punch’s asking him to join in a laugh at the Record), and the words and music should be made known. That is to ged should, unless the remedy were like that composed by Don Quixote in the tin bottle, and which did the knight good, but made the squire Sancho so awfully ill, that. he became convinced that aristocratic medicines did not suit plebeians. If the Record did not think this the case, we decidedly ought to have been told all about the magic hymn. We have heard beautiful music at Birmingham, but never anything to equal this. ‘ Concise, if Not Correct. An Englishman, who thought he knew everything, as many Englishmen do, was en- deavouring to prove that the French was capable of expressing a great deal more in a few words than the English could in several, — _— to show it You on any account !” (N. B. Anybody failing to see the point, is referred to the now widely-circulated “ Portrait of the Gorilla,” to be obtained at the nearest Photographers.) THE NEW PHOTOGRAPHIC LOOKING-GLASS. * Ain't it a jolly sell, Mn. O’TooLE? but don’t tell Ma when she comes down, ’cause she said I wasn’t simply, ‘ Mon cheval est horse-de-combat. ” and as a convincing example he brought for- ward the following instance :—“ You see, if I wanted to state that I had lost my war-horse in battle, all I should have to say would be A Brit Accertor.—A Dead Wall. TALES OF MY GRANDMOTHER. ARAH, my dear, I know of a chimney (though stopping at present in a lodging-house, it is one of very high ascent that is so extremely we brought up that, though it has been an inveterate, and, we may say, an incurable smoker all its life, yet no sooner does it see a lady enter the room, than it says in a voice as sweet as a tea- kettle’s, ‘I hope my smoke : be ’ isn’t reeable to you, ——— = \ Ma’rm?’ And, if the lady vomas UNTIED wy | says ‘as how it is, and be ALU, SS Ee out waiting to be blown up, or hauled over the coals, or =! antl th) cae put out, as all smokers in the aT ee a presence of ladies certainly l rs abe : w deserve being done unto ! Hii SS sa does not give another blesse = a pueayayig Seb boo} “. Ab puff, but goes out instantly 1 oe of its own accord! ‘There, ios 2 a wouldn’t believe it, but tell you it’s a fact.” Observation (made by Saran, an Elderly Lady). “Yes, my dear, and there ’s many a young gentleman of the present day, who might follow the example of that excellent chimney with the very best advantage !” [Left Speaking. AnotueR Sercesstonist.—Should the Pore at last resolve upon mage Pig his temporal power, it will obviously be an act of Papal -cession. THE SPENDTHRIFT BROUGHT TO HIS SENSES. Louis Naroteon, Emperor of the French, So now your Majesty must needs retrench. I said that you were going on too fast, And such extravagance could never last. If sovereigns would achieve grand works of peace, Their armaments of war they ought to cease ; Great cities to rebuild it will not do, If you keep up great fleets and armies too. Big vessels, cased in adamantine mail, And armed with rifle-cannon, cost entail. So do fine streets, which may, from end to end, Be swept with cannon, my Imperial friend. You’ve let your cask at tap and bunghole run; Of those two outlets you must now stop one. You’ve burnt your candle, wasting too much fat, At either end—must blow out this or that. And then you ’ve put me to a vast expense, Obliging me to arm in self-defence ; Gladly would I some building, too, have done ; But 1 could not afford it, so did none. This penal Income-Tax, whose pinch I rue, I pay my Government, but owe to you, Whilst your own folks endure still greater wocs, In every manner paying through the nose. Come, now, your threatening preparations stop ; Take stock; let either of us mind his shop ; Try, not which most can spend, but whieh can get : Adopting thrift, we may be happy yet. Tue Largest Corton Mitt in tur Worip.—The fight at present going on between North and South in America.

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November 23, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. eS || \ aug N" vin ON \ SN NY Ato ‘\ A all aun Sf CHEERFUL SUGGESTION. Youna Hopgess (who is always putting his foot in it), “ By the bye, Aunty, dear, I suppose youll take an Accidental Death Ticket. Make it for a £1,000, and give it to me, as I do sO want some ready Money /” SPARTAN DISCIPLINE AT WOOLWICH. Tue following remarks on the pending investigation respecting the iscipli ment of the Military Academy at Woolwich, were delivered at the Pigtail Club, by old Mx. SowErsy, on his .- wide apart, with his back to the fire, and his coat-tails brought forward, g over his wrists :—‘‘ I wish somebody would interfere and put a stop to this, eh? this uunecessary—unnecessary and ridiculous— Woolwich Inquiry. A set of meddlesome, officious, mischievous, con- temptible milksops! I mean the blockheads, the—the—boobies—the numskulls, who originated the subject. A hubbub, a fuss, an agitation, a controversy—a much ado about nothing! What the devil—the devil!—what do they complain of; what would they have? There coos of a draught from that window; I feel it as I am standing ere, “T say, what is it that those idle, talkative, inquisitive, humanitarian humbugs want? To ruin the Army, Sir. At least, that is what they would do if they had their way. hat? They would like a Military College, to be conducted on the system of a—what ?—a Seminary for Young Ladies ; the Cadets to dine me a on chicken, and breakfast upon — a gy = thin 7 paemnan tater, ‘ no -~ - arrangements which, I imagine, they propose to introduce at Wool- wich. Curtains to the Cadets’ beds, ae eh ?—and what ?—the beds warmed for the Young Gentlemen on frosty nights. Ahem! Ugh- ugh-ugh! Can’t get md of this confounded cough, Sir. Eh ?—what ?—by Jove, Sir, when I was a young man there was none of this nonsense. Lads at School or College had to rough it. Ate their meals off wooden trenchers, bread and scrape and skyblue for breakfast, rank beef and fat mutton for dinner, or scrap pie and stick- jaw—would have made no mouths at cat’s-meat—a schoolboy, especially a young fellow going into the Army, ought to have the stomach of a horse. That curry—how it keeps rising! “No time to—what ?—devote to personal cleanliness ? In my opinion there ’s a great deal too much nicety about washing now-a-days—nothing but soap and water—soap, soap, soap and water. A soldier ought to accustom himself to dirt and discomfort. Can’t clean their teeth of a morning? And why should they? No soldier ought ever to carry a tooth-brush. No need to clean their teeth at all. Want tooth-powder next, I suppose—tooth-powder! Use tooth-powder enough in bitin a tay 0 Hair, cropped close, requires little brushing. What wit washing hands and face—and paring nails—and cutting corns—and all that sort of thing—a cadet in these times is likely to be bred up a per- fect—Sybarite. Eh?—a twitch of rheumatism in the hand !—that rascal of mine forgot to air the newspaper. “No, Sir—the propér school—the proper sort of school—for all young men—especially military men—is one of which I once met with a de- scription, quoted, somewhere, from one of the works for the day—most of which are only fit for—what shall I say P—to—light the fire. It was an account of a school at a place in Yorkshire—a school kept I think— if I recollect rightly—but my memory is so treacherous—kept by a Mr, THack or WHack—what? TaackrorD or WHACKFORD SQUEERS. Now that, I say Sir, that is the proper school for boys—or young men—and that school was conducted on the same principles of Spartan discipline, Sir—Spartan discipline—as those which till now have always been—eh ?—what ?—maintained at Woolwich. Spartan discipline, Sir ; that’s my maxim in education—I say, always,—Spartan discipline !” The Pope’s Keeper. A ReevutaR back-boned Jonny But, who objects to French occu- poems generally, and particularly to those of the French Army, says e wishes the name of the commanding General at Rome were Gone, or eet lay and that there were a speedy chance of the name being carried out literally by his leaving the Porx by himself to fight his own battles. In fact, the above wish might, we fancy, be improved upon by awe | and emphatically saying to the illustrious Papal protector— ney , Go-ron-der!” pomting significantly in the direction of rance.

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 23, 1861. CURIOUS PERSONS TO MEET. sion of the Lord Mayor’s somewhat out of good taste. We might have expected them at an Egyptian feast which was gen ided over by agrim sk but we must say they were a little de érop at \a festivity, gether a statue of Melan- choly, as well as a bust of io Seen ¥ ibe] = ih ough that was no’ there was also liberally thrown in (for the purpose, we suppose, eeping them im countenance; or it proluset Wy thelr dada wi eir depress- =. ing —s a bust of the ; eeping Girl! This was a little too much of the lae ose order. Whilst they were about it, why didn’t they have a co’ pliment to the principal guest of the eveni the first time that Patmerstow and Melancholy ever met together under the same roof, though as for that his Lordship must have been equally surprised to have found in his presence a Mouraful Girl, much less one ( prok ‘) who was Weeping! Of course, such was the effect of his riané society, that Melancholy was found, long before the evening was over, to have been turned into mirth of “the most uproarious description; whilst of the two sorrow-stricken girls, the one, who m mourning, was distovered’ with the broadest of broad grins, and lately been left weeping, was . It must have been about estionably the sy who had with as little doubt detected in the act of erying her eyes out—with pleasure. Such is the charm of a popular manner ! OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. “Dear Ponca, “s “T am sure the British Playgoer, can’t complain that there are wanti With the exception of Hern Maszsty’s, every theatre we have in London is now open: the little one in Dean Street being added to the number, under the direction of—whatever be the Servian for ‘ Mrss’— Axsrya pt Ruona. This sprightly piquant dancer has succeeded to the throne where once Miss Keuty held her court, and the boards long-trodden only by aspiring amateurs now throb beneath the buskins of the regular professionals. Afar Gull, her opening piece, has no great nominal attraction: and, to paige by what one hears, the plot is not much more attractive than the title. So I shall let the Gull fly off before I pay my visit : and then I hope to see Miss Riona’s spark- eyes, and lissome twinkling legs, without having to sit through a prelude of bad melo-drama, for which she would be wise to substitute farce. “These two last words remind me to notice Mz. Ropson’s return to ie pos tad improved, I hope sincerely for a permanence, in health. sur farcical and funny, 4 Legal just fits him with one of those Sg bits of low-life eacle of etn his Wandering Minstrei was his first, and best example. In these parts Mr. Rozson is utterly unrivalled, indeed in other hands they would quite fail of their effect. Men with bilious minds may call his acting mere buffoon- ery, but I'll defy them to help laughing at his nS eee i and with all his aped vulgarity, he is never coarse. It really puzzles one to fancy how he keeps countenance while ‘: up’ his face : and yet one feels convinced he must have practised with a look- ing-glass, in ‘shading those stolid, blank and puzzled looks, those gleams of sly, dry humour, and those wondrous cunning winks. A good augh, we all know, is a good thing for the digestion: and any one who has a spare hour after dinner, and wants to exercise the muscles that are used in cachinnation, had better go and join the nightly roar at Mr. Rosson, which is now excited by his character of Si-hush. “The Pyne and Harrison régime has recommenced at Covent Garden, and deserves to be supported if only for the reason that We ——______ bler though he be, endeavours to amuse , dinner, struck us as being | mutes at the door? It was a sombre com- | his words, b with “ Bounce.” lay-goers of England here can take our seat at ease, Without ever ing bullied by a box-keeper for fees, A great comfort this, and one that should be general: but Managers are highly conservative of nuisances, and common sense as yet is confined in the above point to this house and the Adelphi. Miss Pyne’s clear charming voice is an additional -| attraction, and I hope she will not-weaken it by her over-work. Ruy Blas six nights a week was enough to killa Grist. I can’t say it sur- prised me when this opera was withdrawn. Although well mounted and well sung there was great heaviness about it, partly owing to the sombre nature of the plot. I doubt if making operas out of are be a wise course, at any rate for English composers to adopt. actors as a rule act better than our singers: and when one has seen M. FecutTer in a part, one can’t help somewhat missing his pregnant point and polish, however well the character be played by his suc- cessor. “§ M have had enough to do the last few days: for, in- eluding Bedler’s Wells and the ‘ New Royalty’ in Dean Street, at no less than six theatres have new pieces been 9 ay v oon and when the is out a seventh may be counted. e power of ubiquity is to- | not f : and, as I never s except from nal not one of my possessions: and, as peak opel inspection, I must confine myself at present to one of the h In the shape of a queer piece called Our American Cousin, I am glad to say that Comedy has come back to her old home, and one can once i enjoy a hearty laugh at the Haymarket, In the place of Mx. ore who has taken his Sir Giles for an — in the comer Gey stage slang says ‘ the provinces,’ I never yet could learn), Mz. Bucx- STONE has e another actor from America, who is a vastly more original and more amusing personage. The play which introduces him is put together hastily, and tieeds no s | comment: but they who wish to see a new type of a Swell, quite different from any that the stage before has showed them, should go and have a laugh at Mr. Soruern’s Lord penderery. A double-eyeglassed , with dyed whis- kers, which he paws and throws over his shoulder, who does not drawl i , but speaks them somewhat through his nose, and with a stutter and a lisp, may not seem a very novel or attractive sort. of character, but, as Hn. SorHERN plays it, really it is both, For quaint and quiet humour, nothing can excel his vacuous solemnity, and the empty- headed stare wherewith he ponders on what puzzles him: while his misery when interrupted in a sneeze, although a bit of ‘ gag,’ is really ey droll Of course nobody in life has.ever seen a Dundreary, thinking eyery one a lunatic except his brainless self; yet his attitudes are natural, and his humour new and fresh: while, despite of all his funny and fantastic caricaturing, there is a something true to nature in his eee every touch. Our American Cousin has but little else attrac- tive in it; but playgoers I fancy will flock to Lord Dundreary, if but to hear him read the letter from his ‘ lunatic brother’ Sam, which the evening I attended was given with such grave humour that the pitites cried ‘ Encore!” “ Onze Wuo Pays.” FASHION FOR THE FIRESIDE. TO MRS. J. I Grvz thee this rg dress, my love. Wearing all that attire, It gives me the greatest distress, my love, To see thee go near the fire. Shouldst thou tread upon a match, and were thy drapery to catch, Thou ‘dst be burnt alive ; iy And the loss of such a wife, whom I love better than my life, I could ne’er survive. That muslin expanse is untrustable, Anywhere near a light ; But this one is incombustible, So that it won’t ignite. ; And thy Crinoline may swell beyond the biggest Minster-bell ; Yet secure thou ‘lt In a dress that can’t inflame, from a death that I may name, Premature Suttee. I ONES, Another Yankee Drink—‘ American Bounce.” Tuis is so tremendously strong, that we never knew any one yet who could stop in the same room with it. Let him resist as he will, it is sure eventually to drive him away in my 4 from the om. This drink is so nauseous and sickly that it has found to disagree with all foreigners, but Englishmen cepeceally. In fact, it is so revolting that it is our belief the present rebellion is in a strong measure owing to its mischievous tendencies. None but a Yankee can possibly stand it for a minute. All American liquorings invariably wind up

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. —Novimbek 23, 1861. — - - _ - el — df You knew Ad mutch, chunk: ~\ SS pyre - J olor ; You dl ) Reopr yuk J a ae hac er hd (fil mae ( ti rN YY, fy \ii } a) \ iy , . lead |) ihe, aT Ns > 1) « — i i | (C Mh a. Mf / ; THE WILFUL BOY. Jonatnan. “I WILL FIGHT—-I WILL HAVE A NATIONAL DEBT LIKE OTHER PEOPLE!”

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Sean Ces Hem OP 2 |

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Novemsrr 23, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 211 ADVERTISING SCAMPS. F we credit the old madri- gal, a certain Svan when dying informed the world in general that— “ More geese than swans do live, more fools than wise : and the truth of this assertion the reports in dally fo conf, Hardly rm. Hardly 0 Fee without recording how some flat has been quite cleaned out by some sharpers; - gnd it is curious to note " that in mime cases out of ten the same stale Mc as been pursued. The Flat being accosted by a 5 r in the street, who asks him what the time is, or which the way to Woolwich, and then suddenly reflecting that he feels somewhat athirst, : poem to the Flat to a ave a drop of beer, and Flat consenting, off they walk to a public Stranger knows, where a brace of other Strangers immediately drop in and challenge Stranger No. | to a friendly game of skittles, ae to act as umpire and hold the stakes. If Flat boxe of course he soon gets tempted into play, and equally of course he is immediately out, and not seldom is persuaded to pawn his watch and chain, or to home to his lodgings for a fresh supply of cash, one of the Strangers very kindly volun' to go with him. But if the Flat fights shy, having haply heard of skittles the perils that attend them, then Stranger No. 2 bets Strangers 1 and 3 that he can lift a heavier weight, or show a smarter snuff-box than either of those gentlemen, and Flat gets tempted to a wager that he can beat the winner, which of course he does, and equally of course this leads on to more betting as well as to more beer, and Flat gets fuddled and confused, and thinks the drink must have been drugged ; for when he “comes to,” it is evening, and the Strangers are all gone, and so, he finds, is everything of value he had with him. Such sharping tricks as these are as stale as last month’s muffins, and one wonders how such donkeys can be found as are still duped by them, Indeed, we ay can scarce pump up any pity for these asses; for if they read the newspaper (an who eee tun does not?) they — on what is coming when they get into such company, and it is their own fa’ they are fools enough to stay in it. But another kind of ing is now pretty i ‘ largely practised, to which police attention has not so much been drawn, and we may therefore do some service by to expose it. Headed in big type h “How to cet A GenTEEL Livine,” or “A Fortune ror Five Suuuines,” or “Do you wayt 10 ISE A THousanD Pounps a YER?” advertisements are constantly inserted in the rs, benevolently offering these boons to any “ party” who sone (by letter only, with six stamps for a reply) at an under-named address, Occupation being promised to persons of both sexes, it is not surprising that poor ladies are entrapped into sending the six stamps: in return for which they sometimes are favoured with a letter, stating that the advertiser requires ten shillings more, either as a fee for ente names, or as a “security for the first employment sent.” This latter phrase peared in a letter which was read the other day in a pobee court, in which the “lucrative ment” that was offered by the adver- iser was revealed to be three hours of needlework per day for a “ commercial house” (no name given) in Berlin. By this genteel occupation the advertiser stated that upwards of a hundred iadies in his employ realised as much as forty shillings in a week, a prospect surely quite sufficient to induce a genteel needle- woman to send off the ten-s ings “by stamps or post-office order,” and await the “articles” which were to be sent, After waiting, say, a week or so, and hearing no’ further, she might think it worth her while to call at the address to which her stamps had been directed, and then the chances are that she will make some such discovery as was made in the police case to which we have referred :— “The applicant said that he had been to the address dpe! and found it to “be a small tobacco- nist’s shop. All the person who keeps the shop could tell of Mr. Gratwam was, that he called at her shop some days ago, purc f an ounce of tobacco, and requested her to take in some letters for him addressed there. She to do so, but they came in such quantities that she became alarmed and refused to receive any more. Mr. Grauam she descri' as a shabby- looking young man, who smoked a short piPe, and walked about in the neighbourhood of her shop, een one letters as came, and then took possession of them. The applicant thought the whole affair a gross attempt to swindle, and his object in it might be exposed in such a way as to prevent industrious and deserving persons from bein, im: on by a worthless impostor. The press had done much to protect the public in suc cases, and if its representatives present would kindly notice the matter, he had no doubt it would have the d effect.” Aoerqoee 9 spegking humbug, and to smash a swindling scamp, is a duty to society that Punch never shrink from; and if “ Mr, oa” will oblige before the Court was that him with his photograph, it shall be copied in these pages as the portrait of a scoundrel who lives by telling lies, and cheatin, honest people who are in want of work. The fact that “Mr. Granam,” and rascals of his breed, aim mainly to impose upon poor weak and ing women, who would eke out a small income by their own honest work, adds a number of degrees to the hot wrath of Mr. Punch; and as he is at times of an irritable tempera- ment, the chances are, that if he catches any “shabby looking” gent coming out of a tobacconist’s with a short pipe and lots of letters, he will pounce upon the “ party ” Perce epaks e most distant o -courts, and there leave him to be dealt with as the law directs. FORTY MILLIONS OF DEFICIT!!! Zoury Mil Millions of dh a Lim or A Are you push dumb, France, or deaf is it ? Forty Muttions or Dzricrt! _ Of glory you’ve quantum it, ' But that is not quite is it? To balance a fact so t is it As Forty Muions or Dericit ? In a real Turk’s Paradise (Ke/, is it ?) intus Precordia ; y the gulf, with heart never heavy sit, And sing Forty Mittions or Dericrr! At Compiégne crown’d kings in bevy sit : France : there to pay tax: who Geis it ? Gulf, indeed! this trumpery crevice, it Is but Forty Mutzons or Dericir ! For my Uncle a fig let his nev’y sit : Light soldier will keep down heavy cit— And let ’s see if Founp can’t give us it— This Forty Miniions or Derticit! Let France, with her Bourse bladders crévée sit, While her Emperor dances and levées it, O’erbuilds, o’erarmys, o’ernavys it, To Forty Mittions or Dericir! A PIECE OF ADVICE. Art the last theatrical representation agen before the Emrrror at Compiégne, we notice that the title of one of the pieces was L’Argent fait P i y eur. Tf the argent is —— of course, it does frighten one, and a deficit of 100,000,000 francs, which is as much as France for the moment acknowledges to, is more than enough to make the boldest quake with fear, ‘This may be the kind of peur that has caused the present French financial crisis, and necessitated the appomtment of M. Foutp as Minister of the Finances. If the above va i selected, it was at all events a pi ing A given. Let us i M. Fouxp’s success, as the French Chancellor of the Exchequer, empty as the latter at present may be, may soon have the ha y effect of one species of fear being ptly s another of a more cheerful c >, viz.:—the one elicited in Mapame DE Grrarpin’s beautiful little piece of La Joie was of advice very oppor- fait Peur. That joy, when it does come, may make more careful for the future as to the way in which she spends her money. Where is the fun, or profit, of buding fine houses (and Paris will soon be a capital of near! ase houses) if there is nothing but empty cupbo i em f mn Debilitas in Profundis. A “ Crry article” says, “* Vague rumours have been in circulation the last two days of other difficulty in connection with the tallow market.” A dreadful idiot writes to us that these are wicked rumours, and have simply arisen from the remark of an eminent City man at Brighton last week, that Brrux’s bath is so thronged that there is no getting a dip. We are really ashamed to print such rubbish: ;

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 23, 1861. el Inorerent CommeEnciaL To Crusty OLD TRAVELLER. “ You’re always in the Fashion, I see. | the “Line MEN AND BEES. Worxine Bees, in Summer’s heat, Making honey, stock their hives, So that they have food to eat When the wintry cold arrives. By their toil the store was got, Of it they partake their due; Out of wack with them is not, Therefore, out of victuals too. Working Men, employed, can earn Little more than bread and cheese ; In a hoard they ’ve no concern, Like the happier Working Bees. All that they produce, beside What their present hunger craves, Goes for others to provide ; None, except the Master saves. Now the winter is at hand, Bees and men may-work no more, Bees can sustenance command ; Men can only help implore. Masters, you will live at ease On the fruits of labour then ; They are shared by Working Bees ; - Give a share to Working Men. wi (S ZB y “The Line of Beauty.” | ‘Tue Line that can boast of the fewest ac- | cidents, the lowest fares; and the largest dividends ; and which, moreover, has a car- | riage where smoking is allowed as well as one | in which ladies can go, if they choose. Such | a Line, we beg leave to say, is, par excellence, of Beauty ;”. only look as we will Last time I had the pleasure of seeing you, Mauve was the prevailing Colour, and your Nose was | over the railway map of England, where are Mauve. Now Magenta is all the go, and it’s changed to Magenta.” | we to find it ? MANIACS AND THEIR MONEY. THERE are people in the world who have either so much money that they don’t know what to do with it, or else are so silly that they fool away ~~ sums without doing to anybody, not even to them- selves. One of either of these sorts appears to be the person whose initials are subjoined, his modesty preventing the insertion of his name -— HE Commissioners for the Reduction of the National Debt AC- KNOWLEDGE the RECEIPT, from A. P. O., of BANK of ENGLAND NOTES for £200, to be applied in reduction of the National Debt. Of course the Nation ought to feel enormously obliged to any one who helps it in paying off its debts; but what appreciable good to any single human being the payment of these notes for £200 will do, is a problem that would pose the calculation of a Cocker, and bewilder even a Bassace in endeavouring to solve. Had A. P, O. selected some deserving person (say, for instance, Mr. Punch), and sent him the £200 some good would have been done, and Mr. Punch would have been prou to hand down to posterity the Christian names and Surname for which those initials stand. Let this delicate hint be taken in cases of this sort ; and, when people are distressed with a iary-plethora, let them send the surplus which afflicts them to the Punch Office, and so earn the lasting gratitude of at least one individual, instead of benefiting nobody, and being laughed at more than thanked. The same course might be followed with quite obvious advantage by persons who send Conscience-money into the Exchequer; and who, if they would only forward it to Fleet Street, would not, as they now do, bring the nation to disgrace. As it is, the CHANCELLOR must ublicly acknowledge the receipt of what they send: and as the term “ Conscience-money” implies a previous course of cheating for which it may atone, these acknowledgments are proofs of what great rogues there are among us, whereas that fact might be kept secret if their “Conscience” sums went privately to Mr. Punch’s purse. , Mr. Punch of course is much too pure a patriot to dream of benefit- - himself at the expense of his loved country: and he would have Ri} t his gold pen sooner than suggest what oy A done, if he fancied the Nation would in any whit be — ee by it. But the few hundreds a-year which are flung into the Exchequer by these conscience-smitten robates do no good to the country that is worthy to be named: whereas Mr, Punch would find them vastly handy, if only to defray the cost of his cigars, and it is difficult to say how much the Nation would be gainer if his thought-giving tobacco were of limitless expense. ARITHMETIC AMONGST THE ADVERTISEMENTS. We see a book is advertised under the title of The Valley of a Hundred Fires. We think it is ridiculous to give the British Public such unnecessary information. Since every advertisement reader knows that it is possible, at the nearest tallow-chandler’s, or grocer’s, to procure “ Four Fires ror One Penny,” any one, we imagine (even one of Lorp Matmessury’s much calumniated clerks) would be able to tell us off-hand, without the use of pen, es chalk, or slate-pencil, what was the “ Valley” of a hundred Fires? We grant that the ‘English are not in the habit of “ calculating” so much as the Yankees, still we maintain that there is not a single Ex- Chancellor of the Exchequer who could ‘not’ readily go through the above simple sum. Have Mxssrs. Hurst anD BLAcKETT gone into the coal-trade that they think it requisite to test the knowledge of house-holders on the price of Wall’s-ends in the above problematical manner ! Quite a New Character.' For the future Lovis Napotzon is determined that the sword shall be used for no other pur se than that of cutting down the finances. The appointment of M. Foun is one proof of this determination, and a still stronger one is, that he has kindly consented to be the President of the Liverpool Financial Reform Association. In that capacity, his first 5S will be a proposition for the total disarmament of the British Army and Navy. A MOST DIFFICULT OPERATION, (And an di: gly FP bl ti l one.) Grven :—Mnr. Roesuck’s Temper. : REQUIRED :—To make “ a Perfect Cure” of it. Great Taincs coMPARED wiTH SmaLL.—Why is the great French Nation like a little London street-boy who has been chased by a policeman, and succeeded in making his escape. The reason is obvious —France has outrun the constable. on in i a a a a ae core oS

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hall ces. id a t of first my November 23, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SLI Ny ) AA Ni, ae WH ae) a eS ll ( ! | v ee \ WATT, ‘\ XN ) NNR Oxp Lapy (who has seen the ‘delivery’ through the blinds). “ But ( { 1 | Enter Many the Housemaid with the Morning Letters. i i i | { j —~ — “4 ff $$ a! there was a book or a paper, Mary, I thought I saw——” Mary. “ Only this ere Mum, which it’s for me, Mum, the ‘’Lustrated Penny Weekly Bell Assembly, Mum, as I takes in myself reg’lar.”’ THE POLICEMAN’S PROGRESS. NotwitustanpinG the contempt which is likely to be incurred by the quotation of a trite maxim, we will venture to observe that the proper study of mankind is man. We will further remark, that if the study of man is one which is proper for maukind in general, there are certain particular classes of men by whom it is, or may be, cultivated with an especial propriety. Among these are all the divisions of the Police ; for man is a subject that, in the discharge of their duty they have continual occasion for taking up. ‘Therefore we recognise a peculiar fitness of things in the attention which, at Chatham, according to the ensuing extract from a report of Naval and Military Intelligence, a number of those protectors of the public have been lately devoting to a knowledge of that organisation which they are so often called upon to collar :-— “ A series of very wenn ant exceedingly able" lectures have been delivered to the members of the Metropolitan Police Force doing duty in Chatham Dockyard. The concluding lecture of the series was ‘On the Physiology of Man,’ and was illus- ee numerous sketches and diagrams, and the whole of them have been delivered by Mr. Lircurtecp at the reading-room which is provided in the yard for the accommodation of the force.” From what follows we are led to infer that the learned lecturer is no professed anatomist, but an uncommonly intelligent officer of the corps which formed his audience, who has acquired a knowledge of anatomy and various other sciences to the end of inatructing his comrades in blue :— “In the physiology of man the lecturer appeared to have made himself thoroughly conversant with his subject, and in a very clear manner described the beautiful framework of bones, muscles, and tendons, which are the organs of locomotion ; the brain and nervous system, the lungs, the heart, bloodvessels, and absorbents for the circulation of the vital fluids through the body, and the teeth, the stomach, and digestive organs ; he also described the continual waste and renewal of every portion of the frame.” The knowledge of all the particulars above enumerated will afford the policeman, whilst upon his beat, abundant food for contemplation, a perpetual repast which he will be enabled to enjoy without any descent ment, he will be enabled to reflect on that portion of the beautiful framework of bones, muscles, and tendons wherein are comprised the particular organs of that locomotion which he is engaged in practising. Catching a pickpocket in the act of theft, his view will not be limited to the spectacle of a little ragamuffin twitching the corner of a passenger’s protruding handkerchief ; his mind’s eye will discern the mechanism of the arm, wrist, palm, fingers ; the bones, and the flexors and extensors, and little delicate fidicinal muscles, working by means of finely ramified ° nerves deriving their influence from a brain wonderfully organised, but perhaps too protuberant in the regions assigned by phrenology to secretiveness and acquisitiveness. He will take the offender into custody also with an intelligent consciousness of the organic machinery which, in so doing, he puts in force together with the law. Should the delinquent give him a run, he will, when the chace is over, have an opportunity, as he fetches breath, of pondering the action of the lungs, heart, and blood vessels ; and when off duty, and employing his teeth on the plateful provided for him by the hand of affection, he will be in a position to meditate on the functions of the stomach and the rest of the digestive organs. We rejoice to learn that— “The educational movement is well supported by the members of the force, and is earnestly promoted by the superintendent, Mr. RicHarpson.” Hitherto the Policeman has confined his attention to the arrest of evil-doers, but he has now begun to apprehend the facts of science. No longer content with clutching rioters and rogues, and members of the swell mob, he is endeavouring to grasp ideas: he not only com- mands progress in the thoroughfares, but exemplifies it in the walks of intellect ; and his motto as well as his injunction is, “ Move On!” Pat on Butter. “« An Irish paper draws attention to the remarkable fact, that American butter is beginning to reach Liverpool, Manchester, &c., in such large quantities as to imperil | the Irish trade in that commodity.” | AuLwe can say is, that the article in question does not come wrapped into areas, and breach of discipline. In pacing to and fro on the pave- | in American newspapers.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 23, 1861. “THE FLOWER-BESPANGLED TURF.” URF-MEN with bouquets. French turf men. What do they do with bouquets? We read in the French papers that at the late races at Marseilles, MADEMOISELLE _ISABELLE, bouquetiére to the Jockey Club, netted fifteen hundred frances. What were the flowers for? Do the betting men wear ’em? Many of our own members of that fraternity are in uncommonly bad odour, but we never heard of their trying to counteract it by sticking bunches of roses. and violets in their bosoms. Or, do the French men pitch bou- uet winning horse, or his jockey? That is an elegant and quite O ic idea, but we fancy t ORDHAM or Groisnaw would grin in a very remarkable manner if the swells on the Grand Stand bea to shy flowers at either, when the number of the Derby winner | me up. The only reference to the goddess of flowers that we ever h at hie when it was said that some unlucky betting party had had a Floorer, and we own that we have heard this ar more seldom than the equivalent remark, that such a party had come down no end of a cropper. We are in ” sense ridiculing the elegant practices of the of Le Sport, on t be pleased to see Lonp Dersy, Mr. Merry, and Sin Josern Haw ey, walking down the course, arm in arm, with shies, and we commend the subject to the attention of the Floral AN OLD FABLE NEWLY APPLIED. (Dedicated to the Bench of Bishops, and the Rigut Hon. B. Disraz, ) au. Once on a time, when, sop has shown clearly. All beasts could talk, that now go dumbly stalking, (And not the monkeys, owls, and asses merely, Who still enjoy the privilege of talking) The Man, who somehow even then contrived To do his quadru acquaintance brown, Footsore from a long baking tramp arrived At a green lawn, to which a wood ran down. Quoth he, “ Pedestrian exercise, they say, Is mighty wholesome, but on such a day, O’er a hard road, and in tight shoes, beside, Shanks’ nag is the worst beast a man can ride. If I could only make a shift, Somehow, to get a lift, I shouldn’t be at all particular About the points of what I had below me ; So that it could preserve its perpendicular, And bear my weight, 1’d mount ought you could show me! ” As thus he pondered, bounding from the wood, ‘ At gaze a Stag there stood— ying the Man, ev’n as the Man eyed Aim. “ No—you won't do,” quoth he, “you *ve legs too slim, A haunch more fit for roasting than for riding ; Besides those horns of his are vile inventions, And e’en if I could ride, I couldn’t catch him.” The while he pondered, still the Stag did watch him With his large eye— I know not if confiding In his own fleetness, or the Man’s intentions— When sudden, with a shake of his wide horn, And a, SO rage, half scorn, He flung his antlered head up in disdain— As who’d say, “ Hang it—there’s that bore again!” The Man turned round, and saw, pawing and prancing— But rather more retreating than Ames ue An unbroke Colt, well up to fourteen stone, To whom, with half a —— *twas just as clear, Bridle and saddle were things all unknown, As that he had no liking for red deer. The Man approached, and with a well-bred bow Proferred the Colt “‘ good-day.” contrary, we should | great bouquets for | Adding aside, “Just my weight, I should say ”— Assured him, he with safety might draw near, The Colt, retreating, answered with a neigh. “*T see,” observed the Man, “the Stag annoys you ; *7is an annoying brute. What with his airs, — Those long thin legs—like a four-footed stork— Those horns, on which, if angry, he can es you As bumpkins poise a truss upon a fork.” The Colt took up the tale—“ Yes, and his smell,— His droppings,—I can’t come near where he feeds, Poisoning pasture-grounds and poaching meads, Insulting us, and injuring, as well. Could L but catch him, I’d pay off his scorns ; | have the speed, but, then, those horrid horns!” “* That for his horns,”’ quoth Homo, “ horns, indeed ! I'd soon cut ¢hem, if I had but the speed. Pll tell you what, we both abhor the brute, Suppose we both combine in his pursuit ? You have the speed of limb I lack, So just let meget up upon your back ; Your speed, my skill together, soon will do ’t. How say you?” The confiding Steed Straight to the joint-stock partnership agreed : “ Get up at once.” “ But softly,” quoth the Man, ** T don’t see how | can, Without a something to climb up and hold if I think that something ’s laid here in the fold by.” So from a stall near, while the groom was napping, He stole a set of trapping. : ** How fine I shall look?” quoth Sir Colt, and sidled With pride, as he was saddled, girthed, and bridled. *T was done, the Man was mounted in a crack, His heels well down, his body well thrown back, A light, firm hand upon the Pelham bit— The Colt might do his worst—the Man could sié. They dashed towards the Stag with view-halloo, The Stag turned tail, and fled as Stags will do. The Colt triumphant neighed, and whinnied loud, “* Look at the sneak !—for al! his horns, he ’s cowed. We’ ve put to flight, now let us catch and slay.” * No,” quoth the Man, “ my road lies ’tother way.” “* Your road?” exclaimed the sore astonished Colt, “ Yes,” quoth the Man, “’twixt horse and rider, know The rider settles what’s the road to go. Woe to the horse, if he try buck or bolt.” Get off!” cried Colt, “ If you would not be thrown. I let you on my back, to catch the Deer!” ‘ That was, when you’d a will, Colt, of your own ; Now girthed and bitted, know your will is here /” Sharply he drove the spur into his side, With iron hand the Pelham bit applied, The Colt discovered, all too late, alas, He had been taken in—but of to grass ! And loath to own how simply he ’d been hummed, Whinnied, winced, kicked,—was punished and succumbed. MORAL, My Brother overseers,—for what is Bishop ut Overseer, and who o’ersees like Punch ?— My fable for your eating as I dish up, For your dessert the nut of it I’ll crunch. When to old Mother Church’s stout upholders, A statesman sly points out some foe tremendous, And asks Dame Church to take him on her shoulders, That he may deal the foe a stroke stupendous, Think of the Horse who let the Man bestride him, To hunt the Stag he thought, but found it was to ride him. The Truth is sure to Come out at Last. We read that two of the American States alone can muster not | less than 4,000, pigs. ‘This lets us into the seeret at once of where the Yankees get their tremendous quantity of gammon. They seem to possess inexhaustible supplies—more than sufficient to supply the whole world with, and yet leave a handsome balance for home consumption. THE “ VoL A LW’ AMERICAINE.” TueErz is a clever trick, known amongst Freneh police-oflicers, under the above name. The only “ Vol al’ Américaine” that we know of is ANNEXATION, and, we must say, the French have taken to it with such quick-fingered cleverness that they are well qualified to give the Yankees themselves a lesson or two in the Kleptomaniac art of “ ap- propriating that which does not properly belong to you.”

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Novemsrr 30, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 215 HISTORY—THE ANCIENT BRITONS. Emily (reads), “Ix Tae SUMMER THEY WERE NAKED, AND INSTEAD OF CLOTHES THEY PUT PaINT UPON THEIR Bopres. THEY WERE FOND OF A FINE BLUE COLOUR, WHICH THEY MADE OF A PLANT CALLED WoaD, WHICH THEY FOUND IN THEIR | Woops. THEY sQUEEZED OUT THE JUICE OF THE WOAD, AND THEN STAINED) THEMSELVES. ALL OVER WITH IT, 80 THAT IN SUMMER THEY LOOKED AS IF THEY | divining the existence of an oil-spring merely by the smell. | WERE DRESSED IN TIGHT BLUE CLOTHES.” : ; i i Arthur. “ AND DID THEY WALK IN THE PaRK AND GO TO CHURCH so?” PACEM, PEAGRIM, PRECAMUR. Ox dear, you inopportune PEacRim, It’s enough to give any one meagrim, To think of the row you may get us in now, By your conduct, inopportune Peacrim ! The ship Harvey Birch on the sea grim You might board and might burn, Captain Peacrim, And we only should say, in a casual way, *T was unlucky she met Cartarn Peacrim ! But when in Southampton you free, grim, The prisoners you’ve caught, CapTaIn PEAGRIM, We are placed in a fix, to pronounce if your tricks Are a hero’s, or pirate’s, oh Peacrrm ! If a pirate we hold Caprarn PEacrm. The Confederate States they will de grim ; And again, if we don’t, the United States won’t Be disposed to take our view of PEAGRIM. Thus placed betwixt two fires by PpacRim, Mr. Punch is afflicted with meagrim : 5 He would fain be impartial in any court-martial That ’s held on the status of PEaGRIM. A lieutenant’s commission holds PEaGRim, _ But that won’t on the wall stick the flea, grim. Though lieutenant he be, that’s no warrant at sea Giving powers of capture to PEacRim. Yet as pirate we can’t give up PEAGRIM, At the yard-arm straight run up to e, grim : Which Apams, I fear, will declare ’tis quite clear, Is the right sort of treatment for PeacRim. ie to we = “ve € i prep ; 4oose the war-dogs, by and by sea, grim ; For a man with that name! On the annals of fame To inscribe, not Brirannia, but Peacri! Then let ’s all pray for pence spite of PzaGRIM: May war-fears pass off like a meagrim ; And by hook or by crook may we live to rebuke Those who feel apprehensions from PEacrim ! A Well-Wisher. TuEre is a man in Pennsylvania who has the | He is said to possess this penetrating faculty from having _a very strongly-developed o/-factory nerve. THE PLAINT OF THE CLUB-MEN. “Dear Puncn, * Saturday. r “THaT was a very sensible article in the @/obe upon the hard- ships which this new Bankruptcy ‘Act (I thought it was my Lorp Westsvry’s, but I see by the American papers that it was passed by Mr. Epwin James) will inflict upon swells and decent fellows, if some s t steps are not taken for their protection. “Take the subject up, old fellow. Where the shoe ney is here. Of course every decent fellow is a Sag of some club, the Gorillas that ain’t may take care of them- selves. “By the rules of clubs, any fellow who becomes a Bankrupt or an Insolvent, thereby ceases to be a member. Now, it’s a monstrous injustice, and indeed I may say no end of a bore to be shut out of your set merely because some extortionate beggar of a money-lender, or cove in trade insists on putting the screw on at a time when it’s highly inconvenient. “ Under this Act of Lornp WEsTBURY’s, or Epwin James’s, I am given to understand that Insolvents are done away with, but that any fellow may be made a Bankrupt in the twinkling of an affidavit. If he forgets to attend to the attorneys, or is a little mops and brooms when he gets the writ and lights his cigar with it, and thinks no more about it, or if a thief of a creditor will not see things in a right point of view, or if one cuts away to Norway or Naples, you may be stuck into the court and thé new thing that’s just started—the Gazette of Bankruptcy—will inform your friends that you can’t come to the club any more. Now this sort of thing won’t do, old boy, and it’s a case of defence, not d to see how we «an floor our oppressors. As to being a bankrupt, that’s rather a credij and renown in the City, I am told, and I should care no more for being called a bankrupt than I should care | for being called a bloater. But I have no idea of tyrannically wiped out of my clubs. f ; ‘You must give your mind to the protection of us Swells, who are uncommon friends to you, and besides sitting and standing as your models, are very affable about you, and often say, quite loud, that such and such a thing in Puach ain’t half bad. : ‘ ' “‘T should propose that the clubs simply resind—reshinned—how do ou spell it ?—I mean repeal the rule, and then no harm will be done. if a fellow has really put his foot in it in an ungentlemanly manner, the Committee can hint to him to be scarce, but if it’s only a question of money-lenders me tradesmen, it hye pp ocean e Ng pray] ra “That is simply a measure of s yu! hould go as further, and let the clubs pass a law to the effect that if any creditor whatsoever takes the outrageous liberty of bankrupting a fellow without giving him say a clear year’s notice, or more if you like, the club pledges itself to punish that malignant oppressor by borrowing no more money of him, if he’s a usurer, or, if he’s a tradesman, by never deal- ing again at his a. and giving notice to all the other clubs of his pen a and cowardly conduct. E “But you will suggest, I dare say, many better ways for protecting us inst tyranny, and we’ll leave our case in your hands, old cock. Stand by your order, for you are no end of a Swell yourself, and would | be good-looking if you wasn’t so uncommon ugly. * Ever yours faithfully, “‘ The Albany.” *LionEL RatrLEcasH.” Tue Force or ConTRADICTION CAN NO FurRTHER GO.—To make | a Will is the Wont of every prudent man. wer of | } | VOL, XLI.

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GenturMan, ‘“Oh/ Conductor, lam afraid I have-made a mistake: can you change me into a © Post Office’ at Highbury ?” Conpuctor. “ Lor bless you, yes, Sir, ve’ll change you into a ‘ Post Office, at.” change you into a ‘ Hangel’ if you vishes PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVARL. — [November 30, 1861. | PRIZE WANTS. Tue Society of Arts has been distributing its prizes and | medals for certain discoveries and inventions. We wish it would not consider it beneath its high consideration to offer prizes, or some specific inducements, for the following improvements, or creations, inasmuch as they are sadly ‘needed by the public at large :— A gold medal for any architect who would build walls of sufficient thickness to prevent one hearing the Caudle Lectures, or jarring music, of one’s neighbours. | A bronze medal for a detonating or noise-making envelope that would loudly.give the alarm the moment an inquisitive, Paul-prying postman ventured to pursue his investigations or not. | res. A Silver Medal for «a superior self-acting-door-mat, that | ing his shims, or tripping him up, foree all-boys, strangers, begging- impostors, Polish counts in distress, broken- down en in paper caps with boxes of pens and ‘to wipe their muddy ‘boots immediately before they ad- ywanced as much as two feet even up the passage. | A Gold Medal for animproved harmonic latch-key, such vas every time the husband used it would not give the sleeping wife in bed a violent turn. A Tum the Wrong Way. WE read that the turnstiles, or ¢ourniquets, that did duty jin excluding the profane rouge from desecrating the sanctity of the parguet at the Bourse, are to -be abolished. We thought that Lovis NapoLeon wanted pmr centime | of taxation to enable him to tide over the deficit. It strikes ' us that, instead of taking the tourniquet off, he ought rather to have put the screw on. | A Tickuisn Exrense.—Of all extravagances, larg wm or ve'll the habit of snuff-taking is the worsi, as one cannot help paying for it throngh ‘the nose. GALLANT CHARGE UPON THE ENEMY’S VAN. A Menrrorious attempt was made, the other day, by Mr. Deruty Lort, to deal with the Van nuisanee. He justly remarked that the Juggernaut Vans which thunder about the towns, not only block up | legitimate traffic, but often cause and always threaten peril to life and lnmb. ‘The civic council listened to him favourably, but, as usual, a Nuisance found its defenders. Two wise men rose up in behalf of the Van ruffians, and declared that the Vans testified to the inerease of business, and that everybody in bnsiness ought to ‘have all facilities for carrying iton. The flagrant absurdity of such a defence was so clear that the Couneil laughed out at the apologists. Admit the pro- position that everybody in business ought to have every facility for Seng it. How many hundred thousand people of daily hindered by the Vans employed by a few persons. It may fairly be assumed that everybody who is im the City is there on business, for nobody would think of gomg into the City for pleasure. Are all these myriads to be stopped, incensed, eee i ed, frightened, run over, and generally outraged, in order f the Vans may profit? “It isnot meet the Council hear a riot,” says the excellent Hoans, in the Merry Wives, but the Council will hear a riot, and a ag loud one, led by Puach the Liberator, if something be not speedily done to exorcise the Van Demons. DIFFICULTIES FOR DR. CUMMING. THe eye of many a reader will have been caught by the subjoined advertisement, which is appearing in almost all the papers :— HINGS HARD TO BE UNDERSTOOD. New Work. By Dr. Cumminc. Publishing monthly. Things hard to be understood. What are they, according to’ Dr. Cummine? Does the reverend Doctor—whose accuracy of quotation is not unimpeachable—mean, by things hard to be understood, Latin usiness are | ed, insulted, f at a small minority who employ | A STARRY CHAIN OF MAGIC. Tue Stars and the Stripes are rather in a muddle in the Untied States, but the Stars themselves seem to be in high repute, if Mr. | Punch may accept the fact on the evidence of a whole string of adver- tisements which he cuts from the latest number of the New York Herald, and Unmitigated Liar. Tt would appear that the vaunted edu- cation of the States, where Mr. Brieut decleres people to be far more advanced in the intellectual race than the benighted Hnglish, does not prevent ladies and tlemen from very assiduous eultivation of a science whieh in England we have long ‘branded by the rude name of Imposture, aud have abandoned to idiotic servant-girls and the like. The Herald heads the list, in a business-like manner, with the word | “ Astrotocy,” just as if the announcements were as legitimate as | those of “ Books,” or “ Want Places,” and thus starts off :— BONA FIDE ASTROLOGIST.—Mapame Wrutson tells the object of your visit, gives magic charms and good luck for life free of charge ; tells all the events of life, present and future. Consultations on business, marriages and courtships, travelling, &c. This is the most wonderful astrologist of the age. Give her a call, you will not regret it. No. 189, Allen Street, near Stanton, over the bakery. Please pull the bell and walk right up-stairs. Charge, for ladies and gentlemen, 50 cents. It will be observed that Mapame Wizson invites both :gentlemen and ladies, and charges the same price for each class of patients. The next Madame will have nothing to do with masculine inquiries, but then she lets off the ladies at half price :-— ASTONISHING.—Mapaue Morrow, Seventh Daughter, has a gift -& of foresight; tells how soon and often you will marry, and all you wish to knew, even your very thoughts, or no pay : lucky charms free ; her equal is not to be found ; her magic image is now in 4 ll eperation. “184, Ludlow Street, below Houston. Price 25 cents. Gentlemen not admitted. What her “magic image” may be one cannot say, but at a guess inside in erder to*test whether the contents were valuable | A prize of £15 to any stage-manager who-would devise | en amiform system of waits ‘between the acts at all the | | | would, either by flying up in the offender’s face, or knock- | )sealing-wax, tax-gatherers, and rate collectors, and visitors | im. general, whether troublesome, unwelcome, or otherwise, | one may be permitted to reeal the hideous contrivances which the lowest class of so-called dentists hang at their doors, and by which a | and ‘Greek ? pair of well-furnished jaws slowly opens and shuts all day, to the diver- | Seen BEBSEE 444b> GEESE |, | = ee & fi i et et os oe wemoa em kw eH Ot dW

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ity he me .eS Ler : Novemsrr 30, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 217 sion and hindrance of butcher-boys. Doubtless the image is very awful, and we hope that Mapame Morrow will behave better to her sickness ; restores drunken and unfaithful husbands; has a secret to make you beloved by your heart’s ideal, and brings together those long separated. es 25 cents, gentlemen 50 cents. Residence, No. 90, Third Avenue, above Twentieth who winds it up than the Yankee who exhibited the Perpetual | street Motion; and them-ran away without paying the man who turned the crank in the cellar: But here is eat — A CLAIRVOYANT WHO HAS NO EQUAL.—Ladies who are sick, in:trouble, or unfortunate, can consult her with the strictest confidence. She warrants to cure the most wated cases of rheumatism ina fewdays. If you wish to obtain-correct information on all events, call and see Mas, Mimron, No. 184, Waverley Place, corner West Tenth Street, from 9 o’clock, a.m. until § p.m. We do not see any reference to the unfortunate Stars-in this case but the bringing clairvoyance to the cure of rheumatism is a practical process fous America. Perhaps Mus. Miuton also cuts corns Mesmenically, and hair Astrologically, when Berenice’s Hair is in Trine occult opposition and projection with the “streaming locks so Madame is young, accomplished, and from Paris, can do as much as Mapame WELLINGTON (who would say she eame from Paris) and one thing more. She will make you beloved, mind, not necessarily | by the party whose business it is to love you, but by your heart’s Ideal, who may probably have neither right or desire to take such a | liberty. This is avery Parisian astrologist, and we are sorry to sce | that Mr. Lin who is a — man, such incorrect magic to be practised: lady may well be Byron, for her morale is decidedly of the Byronic tinge. She is not only the greatest wonder in the world, but also the greatest wonder in the States, a much ponte lovely pale” of the current Comet. The neatdady, Mus. Seymour, is esis keatecentth: i (LAIRVOYAN OE.—Mrs. Srymour’s Medieal Rooms are removed to 101, West Fifteenth Street, corner of Sixth Avenue, entrance on Fifteenth Street: Consultations on Sickness, business, absent ftiends, &c., and satisfaction guaranteed.or no pay. Consultations on absent friends are usuallyof a kind which absent friends, who have, like Sir Prrer, left their characters behind them, would not be very anxious to hear, Medical rooms are a new inven- tion, of whieh oue would like to know more, but as:we perceived in a recent’ commercial paragraph from New York that “Houses are a drug,” we must conclude that Hierocrares and Vitruvius have entered into:some inexplicable partnership, But now comes :— (ore A. SEMAN, INDEPENDENT CLAIRVOYANT.— Medical and business consultations, day and evening; thie science she unfolds so satis- factorily to all it is unnecessary to give illustrationsof the astounding results, She continues at 239, Division Street. ? The fair: and off-hand Cora is not only independent of all other clairvoyants, of an American gentleman ealled Luvpnsy Murray, and we fear her spirits are not of an edu order, Perhaps it was one of them who personated the very individual we have named, and being asked whether he really was Lisptey Murray, replied, “Guess I air.” The next magician admits both ladies and gentlemen, but perhaps finds that the stars are more reluctant to talk of male than of female business, at all events the men are charged extra :— MADAME RAY, 260, Seventh Avenue, near Twenty-seventh Street: surprises all who visit her. The sick, troubled and unlucky should test her powers. She tells your very thoughts, lucky numbers, losses. Ladies 25 cents, | = gentlemen 50 cents. “One that hath had losses, go to,” says Dogberry,in proof that he is not an ass, but a most respectable man.. Still, in spite of his authority, we cannot help thinking that a man who will give half a dollar to be told of his losses is what Dogberry was called. But that is matter of taste some people feel pleased to recount their illnesses and troubles, and Mapame Ray’s clients are quite a Cave of Adullam lot, the sick, troubled, and unlucky. We don’t care about Mapame Ray. Me: COLCHESTER, Business, Medical, and Test Medium, can be con- sulted at. his rooms, 371, Fourth Street. Hours from 9 a.m. till 6 p.m. What is a Test Medium? Before the Test and Corporation Acts were repealed in England, a Test Medium was the profane medium through which an exciseman or a tide-waiter had to pass into office, by conforming to the most solemm rite of the Church. We have now no mong for the phrase in this country, and cannot understand what this Colchester is.. Pass on to a much more flourishing afiche :— QEAD THIS.—A Phrenologist and Astrologist that beats the world: and $5,000 reward for’ any one who can equal Miss WELLINGTON, who is acknowl to be the only lady in this city who truthfully gives information con- cerning losses, lawsuits, journeys, absent. friends, love, courtship, marriage, health, wealth, and who will reclaim drunken and unfaithful husbands. Muss W. is the only person in this city who has the genuine Roman and Arabian talismans for love, good luck, and all business affairs;and are guarantees for life. Delay not to consult this naturally gifted agd beautiful young lady. Lucky numbers given. Highly respectable city refi can be seen at. her residence, 101, Sixth Avenue. That is something like. Conquest sits upon her plume-crowned helm, and her very name isa guarantee for victory—Miss WELLING- TON, a natnanlle sited and. beautiful young lady. She reclaims drunken and unfaithful husbands. Are there such monsters in Mr. Bricur’s patent America? Surely they must be _— travellers, Irish immi- grants, or German colonists. Never mind, she can deal with every nation, has she not both Roman and Arabian talismans and city references? No wonder she beats the world, and defies it to lay down £1,000 and show her equal. We should hereby invite her to send over our lucky number, if we did not already know that it is No. 1064, and will next week be No. 1065. But greater is behind. The world is beaten by WELLINGTON, but Byxon is its greatest wonder; and here is the last and most glorious name on the list :— ‘THE GREATEST WONDER IN THE WORLD is the young and accom) Mapam# Byrox, from Paris, who can be consulted with the strictest confidence on all affairs of life, embracing love, courtship, business, and distinction, as every American will negees, sad as the force of Magic can no further go, we now commend of evidence of education a the attention.of our respected friend, Jounn Bric. PROTECTION AGAINST LADIES. Is nothing to be done for the protection of the Judges? Are the real silk gowns to be permitted to worry the bench ad Uibitum? Mr. Punch’s sympathies were painfully roused by reading the law reports the other morning, when it appeared that on, the same day no fewer than three ladies appeared in person in one of our Superior Courts, and successively om upon the unfortunate Judge who was sitting. One lady didn’t exactly know what she wanted, another wanted something which the Judge thought she might have, if he only knew exactly what it was, while the third, the eternal Mrs. Consett, knew perfectly well what she wanted, and also that she could not have it, and being informed of the latter fact, retired, “loading the Court and jury with abuse. Now the Judges can hold their own, tolerably well, against the licence of the Bar, but the licence of crinoline is a new feature in judicial life, and one against which the Justices should be provided. The ermine has no chance against the domestic cat. We think that at all events all Female Barristers should be sent to fight it out with Mr. Justice CRESSWELL, who understands the playful ways of the ladies better than the other Judges are bound to do. A Sporting Offer. Wit anybody bet a red cent that when we receive the indignation of the North about the burning of the Harvey Birch by the Southern steamer the Nashville, the Yankees will not be found to have dis- covered consolation in the fact that the vanquished captain bore the name of Netson—now etarnally disgraced—yes, Str ?

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218 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SS ~ — THE CARTE DE VISITE. [November 30, 1861. Ly Cid} LZ at efi LZ IETF atm ar ys LJ L_2o Wi, |b UY, ‘ 44 VINA sh ariaile 400g MMM YL Te “le Af CHIME. Wi Gent (in Photographic Studio). “‘ A—tLoox ’ERE, you KNow, Mister, I pon’r want My CART PUBLISHED; YOU KNOW, BUT IF ANY NICE Gat, og Lapy or RaNK SHOULD WANT A COPY, WHY YOU CAN SELL IT HER, YOU KNow! ” | LOUIS NAPOLEON DOES PENANCE IN A BALANCE-SHEBRT. Iw balance-sheet thus penitential,— Ci mea ! I recant my fibs financial— Culpa mea ! Tn each hand a lighted taper, That the world may read the paper Wherein Foutp explodes in vapour my budgets circumstantial— mea ! Deep I’ve rs in France’s pockets— Culpa mea ! Flown my kites, as high as rockets— : ulpa mea ! With my outlay unrequitin, Frighting Europe, if not fighting: t both ends my candles lighting, Till they flicker in their sockets— Culpa mea ! Not a market, but I’ve rigged it— Culpa mea ! Cayenned those who told or twigged it— Culpa mea ! Heaped on sharpers pay and pensions, Forged to favour my intentions Taradiddle, and inventions— __ *Cause I liked Savoy I prigged it, Culpa mea ! Fleets and armies I’ve been raising— mea ! At the cost Foutp’s now appraising— mea | Fired French thirst for gloire and plunder, ‘Tastes that can’t be kept asunder, Sowed the whirlwind and the thunder, Europe ’s embers stirred to blazing— Culpa mea ! I’ve bid Nature’s laws defiance, Culpa mea ! On my star in blind reliance ; — mea ! Sovereigns and their subjects fretting, Faith in treaties clean upsetting, Till none My attack, or my alliance— Culpa mea ! In finance I’ve been relying— Culpa mea ! On Bourse bubbles and kite-flying— Culpa mea ! I have mocked free institutions, Nursed each = of revolutions, Rivalled Papal allocutions In the grossness of my lying— Culpa mea ! Each cause on the back I’ve patted— Culpa mea ! From each cause in turn I’ve ratied— Culpa mea ! Italy I’ve helped—and thwarted ; BoMBALINO snubbed—and courted ; Tripped the Pore and then supported, ricking e’en the triple-hatted ! Culpa, mea ! Calling Kaiser Franz my brother, Culpa mea ! knew which worse was getting, Groans of Venice I’ve helped smother, mea ! Her to mischief then exciting, | etting Franz an 4 I have kissed one cheek, while smiting With a treacherous hand the other— Culpa mea ! Now that I’ve made this confession— Culpa mea ! I surrender at discretion— Culpa mea ! I’ll ne’er ope another credit, Ne’er another pamphlet edit; There! in Europe’s face I’ve said it, Let me hope ’twill make impression— Culpa mea ! That her purse-strings she’ll be loosing— Culpa mea ! : For our needs a loan producing— Culpa mea ! Power of Purse, in frank surrender, To my Parliament I ’ll tender, They ’twixt me will serve as fender And the rogues that I’m reducing— Culpa mea ! And if still my word there’s doubt of— lpa mea ! I’ll retrenchment try a bout of— Culpa mea ! Give the Eagle’s claws a clipping, Dock my oobdiens and my shipping— Think no more the world of whipping, Till this horrid mess I’m out of—Cu/pamea !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemeer 30, 1861. poe —— en J ZL Sa = VLE ney 2 VM hid heh \) ee > a .©.2"6* oS So ES SS TSS SS VAsg~yss SY Ss PENANCE IN A BALANCE-SHEET! Se lw eet oe fe, fe Bs.

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Novemper 30, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 221 THE BALLAD OF MARY NEWELL. See. Police Reports. ow, list»ye, fair ladies, a tale i will te *Tis about a maid servant, one Many New-z11, ‘Who contri-ved her Master to rob and to sell : . ‘Was not this'a ’cute cunning minx Mary New-EL1? Her master he lived near the Vanxhall Bridge In the Gardens ’clept borough lay his abode. His: nameit was Barker, the truth Ido tell, | And the name of his servant was Mary New-£.LL. Now one morning her Missus unto her did say, “Mary NEWELL, ‘we're going this night to the lay, So be sure you keep in-doors, and see that all’s well,”— - wr se Oh, yes, I’ll be sure, Mum,” = says y NEw-ELL. The evening it came, and the evening it passed, For dios | ploaseids evenings for ever won't last : Home to supper they went, and they rang the door-bell, And they knocked at the knocker for Many New-rLu. The and they knocked,-and they knocked an:' they rang, Till ‘the streets they re-echoed with thump. _ with clang, At h Mx. Barker, niin said, ell, Something surely has happened to y New-ELu.” ‘Mr. Auuey, his neighbour, disturbed by the din, — Oried, “A back window’s I'll try:and get in: ” So he entered, alack! and what can tell The sight that he saw there, O Mary New-z1u! In the passage a pail full of liquid there stood, The liquid was red, and it look-ed like Buoop ! And a poker lay ‘broken, with hair‘on’t, to tell How some one had MURDERED poor Mary New-ELu! er ve ww alle: wm een so tl { scattered \adout : Batibene cies that»no ‘trace could be found of the el- -egant form of the murdered one, Mary New-gi. The police being called, ani there: came, Hed was B, ~ eke Humpnneys his name : He just sniffed:wp.and down stairs, then said he, “ I smell] A rat in this busmess, Miss New-£10.” Information iving, to Yarmouth he i A piace tamodlen Aleshars, with hard and soft roes, ‘There ‘in: boots and breeches he sees a Hon tteconiiaanaiiameleeaedteetiom any je dren cea do 9 aes yi ‘Peechetawke.sdeuibune ot aepl All idea of her being fair Mary New-2u1. ‘She! had ent her hair short, she had cro: every curl, She had dressed: in man’s clothes, had 4 et lee irl : She had dined, smoked, and:cbatted like any yonne Stell. Was not this a bold brazen minx, Mary New-zu ? ‘Back to London at once by the rail she was brought, And ap *fore the Beak at the Westminster Court, “To him Mz. Barxer his story did tell ; Ah! she hung her head down then, did Many New-211. The charge’ eing heard, says the Beak, “1 shall send 3 to a jury, my tricksy young friend :” So off in the Van to a anug little coll Tn the ¢ of Detention went Mary New-e x. Swell— EW-ELL? Now you servants be warned, and at-home mind you stay Whenever your missuses go to the play : Or you haply may share the sad fate that befell That “eccentric” young person, Miss Mary New-2.Lv. AMERICAN NOTIONS ON ENGLIS@ WEWSPAPERS. From the New York Herald and Liar. The Times, The n of the fashionable world, edited by a committee - Toy in ve Square, and pl to the demolition of e Union, The Daily News. The avowed organ of Toryism, ‘but under the control of Lonp Suarressury and the canting pietists of Exeter Hall. The Post. A publicchonse paper, advocating m of all kinds, but with some ae of right views as to the beauty of American democracy, which, however, it advocates only from the vilest motives. erald, Frantically vadical m words, but secretly sold to OrThe Chroniel, 0 highspeiced which exists by fawning ronicle, igh-pri 5 e upon the antiquated dowagers of Me , The Advertiser. A cheap organ, sompeind and the Clubs, for the dissemination o: i Gran f call traciiont Phe Star. Mr. attack freedom generally and Americans in particular. The Telegraph. The canting malignant organ of aristocratic Dissent go See ae ella . mame imports, a eve y to Church as the only:duty or pleasure in the world. A. Amother aristocratic organ, which publishes ying maps, in which every attempt is made to show the United States:ss an insig- ‘nificant territory. Punch. A publication so foul and degraded that it is never admitted into the few respectable households that still exist in thewotten old MILITARY MURDER AND SUICIDE. . Ly order to put a stop to the shooting of officers by private soldiers it has been recommended, in every case of such murder, to hold a drum-head_ court-martial, and the murderer on the spot. An excellent plan if it would answer ; but perhaps it would be found oF to increase the crime which it was intended to put.a stop to. The life of common soldiers appears very geversiy to be rend so miserable as to.make them of it; and he pecapes Deas Senend se once for shooting their officers would perhaps be only an additional ‘tempta- tion to them to shoot their officers. _,rhere may be some reason in the policy of making soldiers tired of life with a view to encourage them to risk it on occasion with alacrity ; but this policy is pushed too far when it urges men not only to expose themselves to being shot, but also to incur the ainty:-of meing hanged. Officers fight bravely enough without the inducement o misery to impel them to court death and commit virtual suicide; but then, to ‘be sure, officers are nig, dame we Senene pepieet with a hope of which a private can have.no idea, and regard as merely the entrance to.a higher life. : However before the drum-head court-martial, jand the summary galiows are resorted to, it may be advisable to try the better treatment of the men in the ranks, whom it will be difficult to render, by the test kindness, too comfortable to be willing,to fight and fall. If the more humane expedient should fail, then perhaps it may be advisable to try the less. * A ROYAL ENGRAVING BY DOO. Tae Ex-Koxe or Narves in answer ‘to a deputation ‘who went through the solemn mockery of presenting him with a sword, which is about as useful to him as a razor-strop would be to a baby, said with most facetious gravity :— * be 2 Queen and I shall preserve eternally engraved on our hearts the names of you all.” How they are to be engraved, we cannot tell, unless it is ‘by the pro- cess of lithography. ; pg owe Spe pe Very an fact, mys it is of the partial’ severity of the is the discovery whic. recently been made, of a Martinet’s nest at Woolwich. ‘Tae Last Insutt to America. — Epwin James becomes an speitin's Vite ‘the aristocracy | d by Stz Hore | aristo. House of

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OR [NovemBer 30, 1861. A DOOCID ARISTOCRAT. Tae Nice-Looxixc Youne Man with ais Back To THE Frre-piace. “ Jt’s ail | THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | A BRIGHT VIEW OF REFORM. Tue advice given by Mr. Bricut to the Trades’ Unions to combine with the view of forcing on the Legislature a reform consisting in the reduction of the qualification to vote for Members of Parliament, is as seasonable as it is judicious. Mills are working half-time, and unemployed operatives have leisure to consider the question of parlia- mentary reform with dispassionate thought. The relations of workmen in the building trade to their masters are pre- cisely such as to render the rest of the community particu- larly anxious just now that they should acquire preponderat- ing political power. What will be the good of Reform? is a question that may be asked by many working men who are entitled to a vote because they have been industrious and frugal enough to afford to be ten-pound householders? The answer is, that a Reform which will lower the elective franchise to such a degree as to cause the House of Commons to be elected by the numerical majority, will constitute a Legis- lature and a Government Papen = the intelligence, and knowledge, and justice of the country. Taxation will then be adjusted on a sound basis; all duties on tobacco, and other articles of popular consumption will be repealed, and the national revenue will be raised by taxes impar- tially distributed between landholders and fundholders, and other persons possessed of any description of capital, or deriving an income from any other source than the labour of their hands. The rate of wages will also be fixed by law; and no workman will be allowed to take an unfair advantage of his comrades by exerting his superior abili- ties so as to earn more than they can, and elevate himself above their condition of life into that of a bloated aristocrat. A Sensible Exchange. “ Wuy, my dear Mrs. Surtu, what ever have you done | with your Piano?” ; “Oh! Mr. Smrra insisted upon my disposing of it, | and buying instead a Sewing Machine for each of the girls. | He says they would be much more useful, and would make much less noise.” A Correction or THE Press.—The Moniteur has very well to talk of a Man’s Manners, or his’ Art, or his Heducation! What I say is : show | been so full of financial matters lately that its title of the me his’ Ands and Feet—and I’ll precious soon tell you whether he’s a Gentleman or not.” | Moniteur should be altered to the Money-teur. | OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. “ Dear Puncn, “Ir may be that I own a sad depravity of taste, but there are few things on the stage I more enjoy than a melodrama. But then it must be one of the old blood-and-thunder sort, with lots of death-struggles, and mysteries, and murders to slow music in it. Your modern French abominations I detest and scorn, and shall rejoice to | see them exorcised from our stage. The refinement of slow poison may be in accordance with the spirit of the age, and there doubtless is | some interest to the scientific mmd in watching the performer through | the working of the drug, and noticing the symptoms of hi ual decay. But tome such scenes as these are most unpleasantly revolting, and as I’m not a doctor they serve only to disgust me. When A wishes to kill B, whether for vengeance or for gold, I very much prefer to see A beat or blow, B’s brains out, than slay him by half inches with pemeegeiaee doses, which produce the most distressing facial effects, whereof the ghastliness increases until the curtain drops. ullet through the body, or a bludgeon-stroke behind-back, are quite manly ways of murdering compared with pony puddings, and doctored doctor’s stuff. There is action in the one case, and — a good grim Soath-qregs j while in the other there is nothing but contortions, that make you t of the pangs which you may suffer when having your next tooth out. “ With these thoughts in my mind (I can quote ‘ hee volvens animo,’ | if you wish me to be classical) I made the other night a trans-Thamesian expedition to see a ‘great sensation drama’ at the Surrey Theatre ; where, according to the play-bills, ‘thousands nightly throng to wit- ness’ the powerful situations and stupendous stage effects. ‘I'he evening I attended was the drama’s sixty-first, that its run is not yet over was attested pretty clearly by the crammed state of the pit ; whose eight hundred upturned faces, swaying to and fro with varying emotion, were to my mind quite worth jo the Thames urneying across to see. The piece is by its author called the Idiot of the Mountain, which they who love alliteration will agree with me in altering to the Idiot of the ’Iii, There are only three men killed, and ~— there is a thunderstorm there’s no terrific combat: so the incidents of interest are comparatively mild. But, in accordance with the fashion there’s a great ‘Sensation Scene,’ which is very clearly the chie magnet of attraction, and is very much too complicated for me briefly rag ook oe It is called ‘The Smuggler’s Nest Overhanging the Abyss,’ the nest being a small hut perched six feet from the stage, and built with three walls only, that the audience may see into it. A plank, lifted by a pulley, bridges over the abyss, on the other bank of which there grows an over-hanging fir-tree, whose boughs reach very nearl to the window of the hut. To these ingredients, in the backgroun | add a moon with flitting clouds, a flash or two of lightning, some slow shatters the old fir-tree as the heroine is crossing it, and crash! she tumbles headlong into the abyss. Vicious Villain and Bold Smuggler, whom she wished to overhear, leave the hut by torchlight, and then with her back hair down, up she climbs unhurt—not a speck on her gay petticoat—and creeps into the hut. Re-enters the Bold Smuggler, and proposes instant marriage—she spurrms him—shrieks out ‘Help!’ and (of course) ‘Unhand me, illain !’—enters Jdiof—takes a header slap down into the abyss— climbs up other side, and dashes into hut—knocks down the Bold Smuggler—rescues heroine—TZadleau, “ Here, it will be seen, is thrilling action and excitement, enough to make the heads wave in the agitated pit; and when in the last scene the Vicious Villain is discovered in the costume of a black- smith (from his previous attire I had quite fancied him a Count) and, being desperate, endeavours to yg oan the Bold Smuggler, and then to silence the Brave Heroine with a knife drawn from his back, and, foiled in both these efforts, and being accused of murder, robbery, and half-a-score of crimes, including that of stealing somebody whom he! d off as his son,— when, asa climax, Vicious Villain stabs the Idiot in the ribs, and then is shot stone-dead by him while trying to escape, the Pit waved music, and a thunderbolt, which

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more and more in its poe enjoyment, and the whistling of the Gallery betrayed a like delight. “On lesser points of interest I have little space to dwell, such for instance as the working of the Vicious Villain’s eyes, whosewh ites made ghastly contrast to his copper-coloured cheeks. But'the ee i is = less vapors Nye it is instructive ; R it throws a flood of the social wep apse plea pony = Agha vt fl scene seems to be oven some highly curious customs of that 3 weet 3 en: I have met with has ever yet described. Before my visit to the Surrey I was not at all aware that the foreman of a jury, sitting on a case of murder, was allowed ‘to take a walk while the trial was ding, and so time to strike a ein with ares tt of t prisoner to bri = ie in “Not >» On CO prom: marry oO is the bead murda, apd shes (of course) = ton iy hes Nite was I conscious that in France a master — working days in full costume ig ‘cai won, and Hae an pa — —- pee Le a camellia in th baton be an ent leather boots), = attired, enter a s drawing-room an tated guest, snd a with ant girls and pedlars, who have the privilege s house their own, and [a the bac back, and holding se er east on account of these : the intgioncias of the plot ames a say T have to x — good d ‘beti Bersales train. | ee PS which all CS a a Scopest i ought want practice for of .can- pr tory ~ is one Whe th “et effort to unravel i 0 the is fee! and why the Vicious Villai ‘ote hin exoept to a a oom) ) ties not the least j idea. Buta ‘ot come are essential to a melodrama, and to me it’s the — they are only half cleared up. The author thereb: ie adios a theme for meditatiom ; and in pieces where an ——- favre, it it seems quite proper that one’s mind | should be he left somewhat ina mi ” Next "week I shall have to speak about the Peepo’ Day. “ Oxe wo Pays.”

DEBT TO THE DEPARTED BRAVE.

~== ore told : flattering tale when the =. flattery of that tale e+ out, like S most other flatter x e flam The tale of whi Ag is the — only is too often likewise as fallacious as it is flattering. Let us ape, spent hope, that the news announced in the open paragraph rom the Army and Navy Gazette is not too good to be true in ine sense wherein our gallant contemporary understands the an- nouncement :— ‘ Inpian Priz— Money.—The spirits of the expectants of Indian Prize Mone will be somewhat raised by an official notification that no applications for Delhi, Lucknow, or Pegu prize money will be received after the Ist proximo. We trus therefore, that the discreditable delay which has ,80 long prevailed with reference | to the distribution of those funds may terminate.

There cannot be the slightest wn fh in believing that no anion tions for the Indian se ime now so long due, which may be mad after the first of next month, will be received. The question is — any — 2 plications, albeit made on or before that day, will ever be complied with, or meet with the least attention? This is a very doubtful question indeed, and experience suggests the prediction, that, after those applications shall have been duly made and received, some fresh excuse will be found for prol that delay in the distribution <=s the pes claimed to the persons who are entitled to them, which the “Th and Navy Gazette justly terms discreditable. at the spirits of many, if not most of the expectants of Indian

prize-mone ef will be raised by the official notification above alluded to Is very cre ible to believers in apparitions of the departed. Probably the majority of those regio a are now in their mag eee = their journey was heart-sickness of hope a The intimation, how cea! foes: that some idea of settling t| claims is entertained by Government, may be considered quite open 4 to wake the dead in 7 bere vs of easy communication with that once undiscovered country from whose bourne no traveller used to return, but whence many come back again for a short trip, as le table-ways are established between this world and the other. Spiritualists already talk of —— War-Office oo appsion al the means of weer me between the Be creel of Decent dook ont fox for raps on entities aul desks, and =, ken! Saati mare. oney. What eat bot m ee ‘ Fong cwnt There is, at at any rate, a claimants of e-money ee omete ve the pr ets or eye, een otek

COPIES FOR PHYSICIANS. A Lerten in the Times, froma re ractitioner’s assistant, which appeared the other day, co conplainr <n of the handwriting in ich bogey are gen tomed to compose their prescri apo 2 dons. ow as the dierenee | between 3 and 3 in Ts yap of nog to oe in many cases be the difference between a remedy and metry mom a blot, or aberration of the pen t cause the former eure, 2 drachm, to be mistaken for the latter, an ounce, it is obvious that there is much reason in the Assistant’s complaint. Physicians, there fore, are recommended to return to those studies of penmanship which they used to cultivate in early youth; and abe are some copy-book _ = they might employ themselves in writing out, so to speak, or practice :— Stuaid ~mpiviciam. f$leed as seldom as possilde. Drugs are deleterious. fxamine the tonque. Geel the pulse. Gout 1s heveddary. Humliug, is wipeofesssonal. Sdliosyncerasy ts wonderful. _Sames’s powder is a felrifuge. Leaue well enough alone. Medicine remoues olstacles. Nature alone cures. By carefully copying out the foregoing maxms, and others of a similar nature, physicians will anyhow improve their handwriting, and thus at least avoid killing anybody by making a clerical erro: in a medical prescription.

THE OPPRESSED AT HOME. Mr. Yancey, one of the two Southern Commissioners acting in ~_— England, at the late dinner of the Fishmongers’ Company, in answer to a complimentary toast, made a speech in which there was a good deal to admire ; amongst other things the subjoined quotation, applied to the American Republic :— ** The land of the free, And the home of the oppressed.” The Confederate Republic, Mr. Yancey’s Republic, as well as the Yankees’ soy Cc ‘tne’ be, or at all events once more become, the land of the free. ormer is also peculiarly the home of the op- pressed. The free, in the Southern oan are the w and the oppressed are the blacks ; whose home is on their master’s plantation, and whom fugitive slave-laws have prevented from finding one anywhere else.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemser 30, 1861, is Amarrious Parent, “ Well, yes Sir, I want to insure him for a Thousand Pound against Accidental Death, Sir—as I’m thinking of ’Prenticing } him to Blondin !” —(Need we add, the “proposal” is declined.) . ULTRAMONTANE ART TREASURES. Amonc the various branches of industry to be represented at the Great Exhibition of 1862; a very ae position will be occupied by the interesting, but, in this land of insular prejudice, too long an too generally despised and derided art of Priestcraft. So, at least, there appears reason to conclude from the subjoined paragraph, which has gone the round of the papers :— “Tue Pore AND THE EXHIBITION oF 1862.—His Holiness the Pore has conde- scended to order his Government to take part in the London Exposition of 1862. For this a a commission will assist the Minister of Commerce and the Minis- ter of Public Works in selecting the objects destined for the Exposition ; and further, a pontifical commissioner will be sent to London, for the purpose of taking charge of the said objects. The expense of carriage and of insurance wili be defrayed by the Pontifical Government. Three thousand feet of space have been set apart by the English commissioners for the exhibitors.” It is expected that the objects selected by the Papal Ministers, assisted by a commission composed of Princes of the Church, Mon- signori, and other ecclesiastics, will comprise the following specimens inking Image of Rimim, The Holy of sacerdotal ingenuity ;—The Coat of Tréves. The Heads of the Three Kings and the Bones of the 11,000 Vi of Cologne, which will be included in the Sacrosanct Osteological and Anatomical Department. The Holy Father would have caused the blood of St. Januarius to be added to this part of the collection, but for circumstances over which he has no control, and which lacerate his paternal heart. The Bambino of Rome. The Casa Santa of Loretto, provided the same means as those by which it was conveyed to its present site from Galilee can be employed to transfer it to Brompton. The Apparition of La Salette, as coy t up. An Extensive Assortment of Consecrated Wafers that bled when pricked by Jews, and on other occasions; with Affidavits attesting the Facts. Several Images, Paintings, and Statues, which rolled their Eyes, wept, and perspired, at Rome, at Ancona, in the Marches, and elsewhere in the Roman States, d the greater ot of the Year 1796. Sundry Bottles filled with the Tears and Exudations of those Holy Effigies. The Depositions of mab gee BP ong ye Mg Eye- Witnesses, judicially interrogated, affirmative of the iy of the Phenomena and Genuineness of the Articles in Question. Machinery anciently employed by the Holy Office for the Confutation of Heretics, consisting of Racks, Thumbscrews, and other Instruments applied in rforming Acts of Faith. A Fac-Simile of the Original Chair of St. eter, bearing the Mahometan Inscription, in the Cufic Character, q| Which demonstrates the Authenticity of the Relic. Nothing less than the wholesale conversion of England, Evangelical Alliance, Lorp Patmerston, Pusch, and all, is expected from the opportunity of contemplating the edifying objects whereof the above- named are a few out of many, which will be afforded next year to the British Public by the liberality of the Holy Father. A REAL “SMACK ON THE KISSER.” Bell’s Life passim. Poor Joun C. Heenan seems destined to be unlucky. Neither Mars nor Venus is, evidently, the star of his fortunes. lady, with the pretty name of Ada, claims in the first place to be his wife, and in the second place, to be released from matrimonial obligations. No | man is a hero to his valet de chambre, and it has been said that no man is a hero to his wife. In J.C. H.’s case the malicious observation would seem to be true. This is a sad facer for the American Champion, and worse than the salutation by the left hand of Mr. Tuomas Sayers. The least the fighting world can do is to take the belt out of the avuncular clutch, and send it over for Hegnan’s consolation under what the editor of the Zéfe says is an ’arder hit than a brave man ought to receive. Not a Bad Bull. Tue following announcement is copied from a poster :— ‘“* LYCEUM THEATRE. To-night and every other Evening, New and original Drama, entitled, PEEP O’ DAY; or, SAVOURNEEN DEELISH.” An Irish piece, of course. What could be more thoroughly Irish Prin t jarvmpar, November 30, 1961. by William Bradb: of No. 13, U Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett of No. 1 at els Office ta Lonsbard Btrece in tke Precinct of Whitefriars, in the Guy of Lenten, 2 than the peep 0’ day every evening ? Road Wi Regent’s P: both in the Parish of St. in the County of Middlesex, MPablished by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in the City of Loadon.— Hiddilice. 1 \ ' tilwitie ‘t wihiiys mi

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| DECEMBER 7, 1861.] AN UNLIKELY OCCURRENCE. Coster. “Go? You should see how he can go when he’s FULL OF CORN!” OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. “Dear Pouncn, | up, or brought more neatly to a climax than this of the Old Quarry ; g as and it would not much surprise me if it prove almost as taki y the Cave scene in the Colleen, to which, although no plagiary, it may “I Conressep in my last letter that I relished a good melo- in some degree be regarded as a ~ el. Your country readers who drama, one of the old cut-throat blood-and-thunder school, full of are shortly coming for the Cattle Show, may be attracted if I tell them mysteries and murders, and terrific broad-sword combats, and with a that, in place of Mr. Boucicauyt’s far-famed ‘tremendous header,’ tremolo accompaniment of slow music all throughout. A glance at there is a twenty-feet descent by the Rescuer of Innocence, who éomes Park his ‘Favourite Cuaracters,’ so dear to me in boyhood, down upon the Ruffian from the top brink of the quarry by means of a | recalls to my fond memory many a hot and happy evening, spent in | conveniently bending mountain ash. Perhaps their iy: may still | sitting through a play whereof no mind might grasp the plot, and in| more be tempted to the theatre, if I add that, when the scene opens, Sg Female Virtue in ringlets and short petticoats pursued by | Ruffian is discovered digging grave for Wretched Heroine, of whom, Vice in broad black belt and big brimmed yellow boots. How sadly | by bridge in background (only access to Old Quarry), he goes off pre- | have I sighed to see the suffering heroine ejected from her home sently in search—tremolo slow music, fiddles twiddling ptanissimo ap- | through some foul insinuation of the villain of the piece; and how | propriate tune, the One Horse Shay.* Enters Heroine over bridge, gladly have I cheered her when at some momentous crisis of her fate om red cloak gleaming brightly in the Bude Light moonshine—comes | she has pulled a pair of pistols from her fur-topped ancle-boots, and has | down craggy path where the ivy leaves hang glittering in the moon- | held one right and left at her cowardly assailants, crossing her arms | beams of said Bude, contrasting picturesquely with the darkness down | usually to take the surer aim ! beneath—Heroine.calls for brother, by forged letter from whom she “Alas! one rarely gets the chance now of seeing plays like these, | has been lured to the Dark Valley (Hibernicé Foil Dhuiv)—he not com- | and if one did I doubt if one would quite so much enjoy them. At any | ing, she gets frightened—sees grave—starts—and shrieks—more agitato rate our managers appear to fancy that the public have entirely lost fiddling of the cheerful One Horse Shay. Enters Ruffian over bridge-— | their taste for this old-fashioned kind of melodrama, and that to please | Heroine hides—he sentimentally throws flowers into grave, and hints their palate nowadays a murder must be seryed up with the spice of | he don’t much like the job—strikes a match for pipe: by its light dis- splendid scenery and novel stage effects. Simply shooting down a/|covers Heroine and chivies her round Quarry—being slow upon his victim, or killing him or her with a dagger in the ribs, or a bludgeon- | pins, to make sure of his victim he then cuts up craggy path, and cuts blow behind-back, is considered much too mild and unromantic a pro- | off her escape by cutting down the bridge—crash !—game of hide-and- ceeding: and now to be attractive, the murder must be done in a/ seek to tune of One Horse Shay, disguised by fiddles shaking as though picturesque locality, where the loveliness of nature increases one’s they had the ague—Heroine caught at last and trembles in his clutch— intensity of horror at the crime. Hence we have ‘Sensation Scenes,’ | enters Rescuer at the ‘flies’—takes tree-mendous header—bonnets - they are termed, and on their attraction mainly rests the fortune of the piece. “* Mr, FaLconer’s Peep o’ Day, at which I went the other night to have a peep, is in one sense no exception to this new dramatic rule. The murder scene is age | the most effective bit, and I liked it all the better because after all no murder is actually done, the ruffian being killed with his own uplifted weapon, while lis intended victim, the heroine, escapes. I have rarely known a scene more thrillingly worked | Ruffian, who falls—as does the act-drop:—pleased audience cries | ‘ Brayvo !’—calls them all before the curtam—Heroine smothered with 1am Ruffian bows his thanks to the applausive gods and pit. “ Here surely is a scene that will attract the rural mind ; and _ further to delight it, there ’s an Irish country fair, called ‘ Pattern’ by * A fact, Mr. Conpuctor, though you have done your best to hide it. VOL. XLI, A A

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' and one sighs as one remembers the sep’ 226 _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemser 7, 1861, the Pats with a raal ould Irish jig, and a shillelagh faction fight. This scene too is got up quite ‘regardless of expense ;’ for, instead of having some half-score of feeble supernumeraries, who with stingy managers would pass off for a mob, Mr. Fatconsr crowds his stage with pretty near a hundred, all drilled to make the greatest shindy that they can. Mr. Fatconer has moreover had good sense enough to use the scissors to his dialogue, and though another snip or two might well be had in the first act, the drama does not drag how, as it did when first pro- duced, and the audience are not detained till nearly twelve o'clock. I may add that Mx. Fatcongr plays a virtuous Irish vagabond with a eal of quiet humour, while Mrs. Bowers (from America) very tastefully avoids all ranting as the Heroine, aud in the Murder Scene is much to be commended for her natural way of acting, and her frightened tone of voice. Mr. Seusy as the R is picturesque in his make-up, and } L manner; but his voice is to suit so base a villain, ral hollow tones of that lamented prince of ruffians, O. Samira. : “ Having had enou melodrama for the present, I mean’ before my next to have a look at M. Feourer; who, having outlived his roaring. rival, Mr. Brooxe, is atill cramming Princess’s three cvenings every week. 'y deep enou “ Ong wHo Pays.” THE LIBERTY OF UNLICENSED HAWKING. ET us venture to say that there are num of poor indus- trious persons whose humble claims to be allowed to make a little noise in the world, ought not to be disregarded, These are the venders of muffins, and other itinerant merchants, whoare forbidden to advertise their commo- dities by shouting and baw]- ing, by ringing bells, blowing orns, and employing the like sonorous means of attracting attention. A deputation of news- venders waited the other day on Siz Ric#arp Mayne to invoke the suppression, by means of the Police, of those nice little boys who go about crying the cheap papers— the little angels of the Catch- penny ss. The news- ; venders said they were in- jured in their trade, they, who were taxgere, by this unlicensed street-hawking. The Chief Commissioner of Police could not help it— did not seem to see that the news-criers came within the purview of the statute relative to hawking without falcons. _ Now it is most important that the little street cherubs that con- tinually do ery y news should be encouraged in crying them continually. “ Now then, Illustrated, off that!” exclaimed a conduc- tor, in our hearing, to one of them who got on the step of an omnibus and thrust in over the door a bundle of prints, screaming, “ Illustrated News, One Penny.” A country gentleman, had there been one in the omnibus, might have bought one of those things in the belief that he was buying the [lustrated London News. It is advantageous to the public, an good for enterprise, that mistakes of this kind should be made ; therefore, the newsvenders’ application to Sir Ricwarp. MayNE was quite inadmissible; and if there is ~ doubt that he was right in refusing it, let an Act be passed, expressly authorising the newsboys to shout and yell. But then let there be equality as well as liberty, and let all manner of persons be alike entitled to create any disturbance they please in the streets, and without a licence, to notify their respective wares. Food for the body is as much entitled to be publicly proclaimed as food for the mind, and a muffin-bell is not much more unpleasant than a shrill harsh voice with a Conner Some. Since penny papers, exempt from duty, are permitted to announced with elamour, let bakers, pedlars costermongers, dustmen, sweeps, and others, be all equally enfranchised and admitted to the enjoyment of Free e, in being suffered to rin bells, strike gongs, beat drums, blow trumpets, and occasion any kin of din whatsoever by which they may think fit to recommend their articles for sale. Reverse or Fortune.—The Borough of Finsbury which, at every election, has hitherto been worth £6,000 to the publieans and other prin- cipal voters, has on the occasion of its last vacancy been going a-hegging. does his murderous business in a most impressive | and STRIKING A DOCKET. “My pear Puncu, “Have you such a book in your entertaining library as an Encyclopedia Britannica? If so, please to refer to ‘Dockets,’ and inform me precisely what they are. I am so puzzled, you can’t imagine and it is so dreadful in these days of—what do they call it—intellectual rogress, for a woman, even though she ean F ve | minority if indicted or ignorance, not to know how such a popular pastime as ‘docket’ is played, and how to strike it elegantly, and with effect. “You see I take it for granted that it is a game of some kind. And yet—I have my misgivings, and I’ll tell you how they arose. “My Uncle’s Aunt, Miss Kaxesrep, who speaks seven languages, is deep in analytical chemistry, many years ago—you may re- member, perhaps, the fire at the Royal Exchange—it was then—met a commercial gentleman at the ruins, to which, prompted by scientific ouriosity, she paid a visit of inspection, Well, { suppose they compared notes. At all events he was imprudent enough to send her a few pro- missory ones, and upon them she subsequently based an action for breach of promise and recovered five hundred po: damages. I said recovered, because I believe that is the technical term usual in such cases, but, in fact, Miss K. has never recovered either her spirits or her damages, for the commercial gentleman ran off to Boulogne and xd an Estaminet, where my cousin, Coxe Lirtieton, and some of his friends of the Bar, have played billiards frequently. * About two months , however, Miss Kakeprep ascertained that the perjured one had returned to England, and had set up in business as a Mining Agent, ing extensively in Californian and Peruvian shares. This I acoi overheard—for Miss K. is not at all communicative—but when my cousin Coxe Littieton, who has a very pretty Sessions-House practice, calls upon us, Miss K. generally seizes the opportunity to consult him upon certain legal points, whic must be very sharp, I fancy, from the pain which they give her. I am not fond of [ay but as there was only a thin partition between us, I could not help hearing her ask Coxe whether she was not in a position to ‘strike a docket?’ He replied, [ suspect affirmatively, but | enjoined caution, and suggested failure, for Miss K. in a masculine tone, which reminded me of Grandmamma’s imitation of Mrs. Sippons lin Lady Macbeth, replied, We fail! and announced her fixed determi- | nation to ‘strike,’ on which Coxe adopting the eloquent apostrophe | of Punch to the builders (vide No. 1030), exclaimed ‘Strike! but hear | me.’ ** Pray, pardon this intrusion on your valuable space, and believe me * Your constant Reader, * Fanny B. WILpErp.” “ P.S. Is not ‘docket’ or ‘docquet’ merely the old-fashioned name for ‘croquet, and in striking, do you not employ a sort of crutch ?” A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER. Unper the head of Essays and Reviews, a contemporary publishes the subjoined statement relative to the Bisnor or SaLisBury and Dr. WriiiaMs :-— “* When notice was first given to Dr. Wii1ams that proc would be taken against him, the bishop wrote to him to request that he would afford him facilities for disposing, without difficulty, of all preliminary techniealities, so that the whole question might be fought on its merits.” With all proper ‘respect for the Bisnor or Sanispury, everybody who reads what is above related will feel compelled to ask that right reverend prelate whether he really believed that he saw any green in Dr. Wititams’s eye? The idea of writing, as prosecutor, to a defendant, requesting him to be so kind as to give a handle for an indictment, is truly clerical in its simplicity, though it may not be deemed worthy of a very dignified, to say nothing of a very reverend, divine. It is a regular parson’s trick, and one that nobody but a parson would think of playing, except a pantaloon in a pantomime, attempting to practise a similar artifice on the innocence of the clown. If Dz. Wiit1aMs would but make his friend Sarum the present of a stand-point, that clerical ARcHIMEDEs could easily move the earth so as to bring down the Court of Arches about the ears of the Essayist and Reviewer. But no; the spot of verdure on the iris of Dr. Wi114Ms exists only in the episcopal imagination ; and accordingly :— “ To the letter in which this request was contained, Dr. Wm11aMs replied, not by sending any admissions, but simply the name of Mr. Du Bois, his proctor.” Dr. Rowianp WriiaMs, Vicar of Broad Chalke, Wilts, and Pro- fessor of Hebrew, St. David’s College, Lampeter, look you, is a weasel that your Lordship shall not catch asleep. But that you are W. K-. Sarum, and not O. Sarum, it might be said that Dr. Wiiiams has given you a Rowland for an Oliver. | |

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lI} SO 1 2QR0 etre fF eS DecempEr 7, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 227 A DINNER FOR A DUKE. HE Dux or CAMBRIDGE » having signified his gra- cious willingness to dine with the Artillery at Woolwich, the officers of course resolved to give hima dinner, in the faith that he in- herited his noble father’s well known relish for the same. In pursuance of this aim, the tastes were v care- fully consulted ; and though the Times informs us simply that “a ban- quet was prepared on an appropriate scale,” that statement gives small notion of what was really done. 3 By details which have reached us through a cu- limary channel, fathomed an_ active officer of ey : i , that the Duke had lately signified his approbation of the mess of the Military Academy, and had said not to com of in their diet of boiled mutton, hard ; , and sour swipes. It was naturally supposed therefore that his Royal lighness had undergone some change in his dietary tastes, and would better like a dinner served with | agnor simplicity than a banquet on the model of the | epseares of Rome. notion was accordingly confided to the cook, and how | skilfully that artist contrived to carry it out may be seen by a perusal of the | following BILL OF FARE. ' SOUPS. poe de pierre. Bouillon de mouton simple. Potage de bélier aux turnip-tops. Soupe noire a la Spartiate. _.. FISH. Hareng saur, bouilli. Sprats fris. Three boiled gudgeon : one smelt. ENTREES. xeues de mouton sautées a la sauce Crimée. _ ricandeau de chipe-squine moisi de bouts de cigarre. Bouilli de mouton suranné a la cuir de semelle. Haricots maigres 4 l’eau de Tamise non-filtrée. Sour sweet-breads hachis & la bouble-et-skouic. ’agneau Fricassée de chaussettes-laine-d : Pieds de mouton farcis de cors et d’onions. JOINTS. Mouton d’ordonnance de Voulviche bouilli en chiffons. Junk salé—Piéce de Résistance (aux eres be ya LEGUMES. Pommes-de terre Tabourets de capa boul en papillotes. Tape rouge & la Commandant-en. a Pain de munition rassis & Cailloux écorehés 4 la Dele Heoeicer. GIBIER. Chat (neuf queues) frit. SWEETS. Black (hole pedings hs Catt qui fame $ i-fume. Confiture 4 -leur des Some Seaver-s coups. Roley-poley pouding & Ia rustication. Omelette faite sans ceufs, frite avec pelures de pomme- de-terre. FROMAGES,. Chesterre bouche-ton-nez. Double Dutch & la tue-les-mouches-A-quinze-pas. DESSERT. Penny buns (stale). Pommes dures au > A pint of nuts. WINES. Biére-de-gingembre éventée. Eau de la Tamise non-sucrée. Swipes d’ Angleterre aux stomach-aches, Thé de birch-broom maigre. The decorations of the room and the appointments of the table were in keogiing with the tempting nature of the viands, for we understand the banquet was served on a deal table uncovered by a cloth, and lighted by tallow candles in tin “regulation” sticks. ves and two-pronged forks were furnished for the guests who were too fine to to feed au naturel with their fogens, but to no one was extended the effeminate and — luxury of a napkin, nor was any one permitted all ughout the dinner to ask for a clean plate. In fact, the rough-and-tumble way in which everything was done was strictly in accordance with the Spartan code of discipline which seems to be in vogue now at the Woolwich Cadet-School ; where it appears to be considered that lads grow rich in knowl by living on poor diet, and are made Fp soldiers through having a bad cook. After dinner “No smoking allowed.” A FIRE-EATER FEEDING HIMSELF. distinguished cavalry regiment combined in inviting one of their com- es to leave the corps, because, having been insulted by a certain rson, he omitted to call that person out. One day last week our ashionable contemporary, whose columns are of course duly studied b those gallant officers, published part of a letter from Warsaw, whisk skulled particularly merits their attention and that of all other valiant gentle- | *“jy) °°: men who wish to revive the chi us practice of duelling. It contains | an edifying account of the death of GzweraL GensTENZWEIG, whence | duellists whom circumstances forbid to fight may learn how nevertheless | to give each other all the satisfaction which offended dignity can desire. | Great GENERAL GursTENZWEIG had imprisoned some Poles in the | citadel at Warsaw. Soon afterwards an insurrection was expected. If | necessity of “ winging ” honour is so extremely t The solo system of n> D the most rational that could be adopted in this ge where an ordinary duel he Irv would not be liable to be han d, or foreed to fly the country. Ridicule would not be brought on the “ grand custom” of single combat by one of the antagonists firin The difficulty which bold Generat GerstenzweiG met with in = ~ blow br we aes is very seeuronne . the eo mp : : : and thickness of that skull which nature provi contain an A Snort time 880, according to the Morning Post, the officers of a| Getond them. He found it a hard matter to sati AMBEI y The Count would doubtless have experienced as much trouble in giving himself satisfaction if the fall of the die LAMBERT. : him under the indemnifying his honour by destro his own life. Such hin akduned that it should be excessively thick- however, above instanced, is certainly if it is not a farce, is a capital crime. survivor in the air, or contenting himself with the other. One of the two would be obliged to shoot him- it broke out, too many penoness in the citadel might ‘eben troublesome. | self dead, though it should take him a dozen shots to batter a hole in Accordingly some of the imprisoned Poles were released by the com- | gp a mander of the fortress with the sanction of Count Lampert; and :— | j He might, before committing felo de se, make over all his gat y to his family, which would prevent its forfeiture to the Crown. “ On hearing this, Genrrat Gerstenzweta went in a state’of great irtitation to; His mind, in as far as he has any, has of course been made up to Count LaMBERrT, reproached him with having acted from fear, and called him a “jump the life to come,” and a man may as well take that leap in a coward. As several officers of the staff were sent, a duel seemed inevitable ; but as a hostile meeting between two such perso! s at that moment might | t great inconveniency, it was decided that one of the two should kill himself | to murder. the same evening, and that lots should be drawn to decide which it should be. The | lot fell on GeNERAL GERSTENZWEIG, and he fired three times with pistols at his head, the last time inflicting a mortal wound.” | “Tue WEIGH or THE Wortp.”—The Pound Sterling. simple act of suicide, as in exposing himself to be killed in an attempt

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228 PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

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Wilays on —_ Puen Bp , Ves ; ( — => er dud van ei <= ——_— SS nee xt i WHAT OUR VOLUNTEERS OUGHT NOT TO DO. THEY OUGHT NOT, FOR ONE THING, TO StacceR THROUGH QuieT STREETS, DRUMMING AND TRUMPETING LIKE SavacgEs, aT MIDNIGHT. Tails, TO THE PaRTICULAR Corps IT CONCERNS, AND WHICH MADE Nicut so very HIDEOUS ON WEDNESDAY THE 27TH ULT.

| A WARNING TO JONATHAN ; OR, “DOTH HE WAG HIS TAIL?” JONATHAN, JONATHAN, ware of the Lion : He’s patient, he’s placable, slow to take fire : There are tricks which in safety a puppy might try on, But from dogs of his ovz size they waken his ire. With your bounce and your bunkum you ’ve pelted him often, Good humoured he laughed as the missiles flew by, Hard words you’ve employed, which he ne’er bid you soften, As knowing your tallest of talk all my eye. When you blustered he still was content with pooh-poohing, en you flared up he just let the shavings burn out : He knew you were fonder of talking than doing, And Lions for trifles don’t put themselves out. But beware how you tempt even leonine patience, Or presume the old strength has forsaken his paw : He’s proud to admit you and he are relations, But even relations may take too much law. If there’s one thing he values, ’tis right of asylum ; afe who rests ’neath the guard of the Lion must be: In that shelter the hard-hunted fugitive whilome, Must be able to sleep the deep sleep of the free. Then think twice, and think well, ere from guard of the Lion Those who seek his protection you try to withdraw : Though Stowext and WuHeaton and Ken you rely on, There are points on which Lions won’t listen to jaw. Remember in time the old tale of the showman, Who his head in the mouth of the Lion would sheath, Till with lengthened yw bold as a Roman, He seemed to forget that the Lion had teeth.

But the time came at last, when all risks madly scorning, He went just too far down that road rough and red, When, with only one wag of his tail for a warning, Snap went Leo’s jaws, and off went Barnum’s head !

A CULINARY WONDER WANTED. Ou, these advertising people! What Dogberrys they are! How constantly one finds them writing themselves down, to a level which is | well nigh asinine in its stupidity! As a sample, look at this :— WANTED, a COOK, in a small family, from 26 to 36 years of age. Must be clean, active, good-tempered, obliging,.an early riser, and of the Church of England. Wages £16, with beer. Apply, &c. Now, the advertiser surely does not mean to tell us that his family is from 26 to 36 years old, for in that case the word “small” would be clearly misapplied to it, unless indeed its members all of them were dwarfs. Yet, from his clumsy wording, this is how the sentence must properly be read; and when people address servants they cannot speak | too plamly, nor expect to have bad English corrected into good. | With regard to the fine qualities required in this cook, there is really |such a strmg of them that no one but a petticoated Crichton could possess them, and any one who said she did would be almost wanting modest¥ to make the bold avowal. For instance, as for looking for good temper in a cook, one would about as soon ‘expect to see good taste in a gorilla, or good nature in a pig. A cook, whose cheeks are always being reddened by the fire, becomes of course hot-tempered | merely from the heat; and if she be hired “ with beer” at indiscretion, we doubt if all her church-going will keep her temper cool. | vw RR ee

( No. 45 Ourpowz.—The impudent conduct of Cartarn Winks in | boarding the Zrea# is such a violation of all international propriety, | that the cry is now, “ Wi1Ks and unpardonable liberty.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemper 7, 1861.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Ta

EQWIN’S RESURGAM. See the Article of the New York Times on Mx, Epwix James, A Leeat star, in mid career, Dropped into hy ten dark— No more was Epwix J seen here, No more was AMES’S ve W WO ta Ee lal ae Wes e astern the > paregraph On bio ont abet , cet era int a re 'S ee Hit) 6.” ’s clerk ? The i one tor arial had newer, i known What Bil he what y: Except for Epwix James’s ¢ We thought E. J. eee 5 ¢ a aed At onee unsav Not so—he scares 9 ve go gl Too pure—says Epwin Jamus’s clerk. Wit tey for last resort prey 0 u shark It "i ‘ill and not Me the € says EpwIn vat 8 clerk. 8 Won, bran | face d bred aM i ty pond sublimed WIN ia anor s clerk. Metheny Br we a No-in the shadow cold and dark aristocracy he sat, Yet won, says Epwim James’s clerk. We thought he could not linger here, For reasons n to remark ; *T was but to bless another sphere He went, says Epwix James’s clerk. We thought that other men had fames, Others in a made their mark ; But no—twas James and only James Did all, says Epwiw Jaares’s clerk. The New York Bar, we thought, such guest Had met with faces cold and dark ; But lo! they strain him to their breast With joy, says Epwmx James’s clerk. Tog grat ti ed should be, bis 's such men “embark, To ani new Pe Ot 9mm feu clerk. tom may thd ee tink he prmneen of ing the soul, tees oe *s ‘ag Blow fair Fore wales s ‘oa ~ bark— er to the New York Bar, Good luck to Epwry Jamus’s clerk,

A Threatened Improvement. An agitation has been commenced in the Marylebone Vestry for getting a ra wab-way to be made across Hyde Park connecting Paddington > dion omy d with Brompton and South Kensington. If this Ina D’IrrancEr and his coll leagues will pa for it arenes A tunnel would be simp! —e but a fatal mistake would committed in making a cut Fiend the Lande of SIR ASSCULAPIUS PUNCH ON Nae aes I nave often been solicited to give. eth of of eres ie by Hospital Students alone, but oy nb avocaes ot rand til measures. practice os Bs years, and rie am m results. No infirmary should be for one mone without i essence, and bene- volent persons might do great good b quantity a for administration to those who are too low. ike it in them- selves at their own residences, Hyery practitioner should carry it about with him, if possible, in his

AHEAD OF THE BRITISHERS. Our readers will derive a melancholy satisfaction from the follo statements contained in a letter which the nee Samper int the Post writes to that journal from Boston “The Contractors continue to cheat ata A ordered an inspection of some hard bread, or armiy crackers, to be made, which resulted in condemning 46 barrels out of 50. The nee bound that his men shall not be swindled yang of their just and appropriate fodder by any of these | ‘cussed sharks.’ . . The crackers we eat are stamped ‘ 1860,’ and the boys | say they have seen several marked ‘ B. C.’? The foregoing information must be consolatory to the British public, as showing that our own Army Provision Contractors are not the

greatest rogues in the world.

nations, which was formerly in an ecli physician 3 is not a diph not to us for ee ae naal aa ts, y; Tt is idle to teow phy fe. 16

- big sf the Colonel |

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| 232 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [DecempEr 7, 1861. { } \ mat A “~ > pil] Ar NO PLEASING SOME PEOPLE. "ill and kicks a goin’ down, I ain't a goin’ to gallop’em to death on the likely ; there’s no pleasin’ you.” Crusty Driver (to a remark by his Fare). “ Not fresh! Why they jibs a goin’ up | never brag. Thesun ins | NOTICE TO THE NORTH. // YanKEES beware! we are averse, Jv | But not afraid to fight. c War we account the direst curse On man that can alight ; And we will do whate’er we may To keep that worst of plagues away. Insults we ’ve borne, and more can bear To idle acts confined, Or words, for which no more we care Than for the noisome win Polluted by your skunk, which blows Beyond the sphere of England’s nose. But, by insufferable deeds, Throwing substantial mud, So urge us not that we must needs Embrace the work of blood ; Which we abhor ; compelled to smite, Shall therefore do with all our might. For Peace we fight—as we forbear— To keep it, patience strain ; To conquer it no efforts spare ; And conquer to retain : As, if to war you make us go, By Jove, we'll try to let you know ! WE HATE BRAGGING. THERE is something, after all, in being an Englishman. Mr. Joun Buxt can now go to France, to Belgium, Hol- land (and Denmark and Sweden will very shortly follow) without being called upon to produce his passport. There is no countryman in the world who can make a similar boast. It is true we pay a heavy Income-Tax, but then we have the option of going to other countries, and no impedi- ments are thrown in our way. We avail ourselves of the privilege pretty often, but then it is always with renewed leasure that we come back to the old country again. Eng- | land is the freest country in the world—the freest to come ito, the freest to go from, and the freest to live in; and | the worst we wish other countries is for them to be as free j|as we are. We hate bragging, and that is the reason we ing does not brag about it, nor level, ’taint|do we; we simply are the greatest people in the world | because we cannot help it. IMOGENF’S APOLOGY. Dear Cousins! No doubt you’re astonished and nettled To find little I. in a small village settled. _ That one who at sixteen evinced some ambition, | At twenty, without any signs of contritio Should let Hymen kindle his conjugal tore At the red lamp, which shines at a medical porch, Is so strange,—but from love into lunacy proper, Tf a girl’s bent on rushing—no Atlas can stop her. How could I decline the soft hand of Lorp Poppy ? You ask (Oh! my error be sure not to copy), Whose face like his mind was a beautiful blank, Who “ pwided” himself on his “wings” and his “ wank,” For*his tongue’s ineffectual but elegant twitches Converts, as by magic, his wealth into “ witches.” Well then! if I must be arraign’d on my trial— All the spirit he had might be put in a phial, **T give and bequeath to my Cousins so dear The chain which I ought to have hung round a Peer.” And those who lament little Is degradation May from that bequest sip a sweet consolation. TITULAR REFINEMENTS. Puncu, whose pride it is to call a spade a spade, has often been pained to find how few imitate his manly candour. Streets now change their names like those who dwell in them, with a view to better their condition, and sense is often sacrificed to style. When froma “Grub” —sacred to hungry Bards and pinched Reviewers—emerged a Miron, down Punch’s cheek rolled silver tears—not that he loved euphony less, but that he loved old friendships better. Funerals, because meena can be mimicked for a pe ci ny are licensed to be performed. Boots and shoes in days of yore were occasionally cobbled, now repairs are always neatly executed. Girls of spirit never marry, but may sometimes condescend to compose a ¢ableau vivant, and so they are And gifted with little more life than a mummy, I called in the doctor, and rang out the dummy. That little 1.’s now link’d to mortar and pestle Is true; but her thoughts there do lovingly nestle, Though ey in scruples, she’s free to confess, She dotes on the title of M. R. C. S.— A title which does not illumine the Of dreadful Desrett, who records ladies’ ages ! Which parents consult, when their child feels a dart, To prescribe with success for complaints of the heart. Ere long on our brass- I trust will appear “Dr. Brown,” as to Scotland we travel next year, Where honours which some cultivate with much toil By degrees, are enriching that erudite soil. Such is my apology : but if you still Mourn for me as one that is dead—read my Will : | led to the hymeneal altar. A Member would be ashamed to rat, but he recognises the moral beauty of concession and saves his blushes. | There was one title, however, which by reason of its antiquity, if nothing | more, we deemed secure from the refining process, but we are mistaken. | Travelling lately from Oxford in a first class, with some Anglican | Divines, bunch was gently roused from his reverie by hearing a white | cravat who had made some allusion to the Scarlet lake, hastily beg ady of the Lake. What a sacrifice of truth to tenderness ! Baa and colouring deeply, correct himself—he meant to say the | Mx. Porrer, who was returned for Carlisle by a majority of one, is not the youngest member in the House of Commons, although he has | barely attained his majority. | The Member for Carlisle and Commerce. eA A = meet ee ote 0 ao we et ow O Recto

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pa ee es ee ee ee ee ORoOBPRFaass Pwr” shoe BE Deommper 7, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 233 PYRIGHT. on all the common saying, “grave as a judge,” the judicial mind is prone to joke, even from the Bench —dulce est desipere in loco—though still the jokes of judges are generally qualified with a certain gra- vity. We find Mr. JusticE BRAMWELL reported as having lately delivered at the Juridieal Society, some observations which were evidently intended to be jocu- lar. A Paper having been re on, the patent laws :— JUDICIAL JOKES ON CO “In the course of the discussion which ensued, Baron BRAMWELL said —— had got into the abit of thinking that men had a right of pro- perty in what they either invented or wrote. But no such right © existed, . and it was entirely a matter of generosity that they were secured the emoluments arising from it for a certain number of years. If 4 man wrote a book and published it, and another bought a copy of it, the author eould not prevent that man from lending it to a and if the purchaser had a it to lend it to be read, he had also the right of copying it and of giving the copy to others to be read by them.” What fun! If a man hire a horse from a livery stable-keeper, he | may be af liberty to lend the horse to a third, for he is the purchaser of _ the usufruct of the horse, and, we suppose, has a right to sub-let that. No doubt he has also a perfect to take a copy of the horse, and to give or sell the copy to others to be ridden by them, provided he pro- cures the copy by going into the horse-market and honestly buying one. He has a right to be a horse-dealer, as he has to be a bookseller, on | | those terms. That is what JupcE BRAMWELL meant to suggest, in a| | facetious way of putting it. Horse-stealing is higiily punishable be- | | cause horses are easily stolen; mental property can be stolen still more | easily ; literary piracy deserves proportionate punishment. This is what Baron BRAMWELL’s jocosity amounts to. Mr. Justice Bramwett pleasantly affected to approve of Mr. BucHanan’s celebrated declaration as to international copyright, that the Americans would be very foolish to agree to any such thing, as they would then have to pay for that which they now obtained for nothing.” The ed 2 (with an appropriate wink, of course) said. referring to the ex-President of the onUaied States :— “ He was much laughed at, but he uttered what was perfectly correct, for it was a matter of gp that the public should get out of authors and inventors the most it could, at the smallest possible price.” Seriously, the Judge meant to lay down the law, that if the public want anyt — m the line either of literature or inventive art, they ought to do that which is the least they can do, and pay a good price for it. His words above quoted are only a lively raphrase of the maxim which declares that the labourer is worthy of he hire. If we did nof take the foregoing remarks of Mr. Justice BRAMWELL to have been spoken in jest, but understood them literally, we should co that they expressed notions of the difference between meum and tuum which, instead of being avowed by an ornament of the Beneh, could be conceivably entertained only by an occupant, or a candidate for the occupancy, of the opposite part of an Assize-Court. PRETTY POISON-WREATHS. AN inquest was held the other day by Mr. Brent on the body of a young woman who poisoned herself by arsenic ; and the jury returned a verdict which set forth that the deceased had died “accidentally from the effects of mortal disease in her stomach and other organs, occasioned by arsenite of copper used in her employment.” Her employment was that of oe nope artificial flower-leaves, the flower-stems bein “with verdure clad” by means of that poison. Tt was proved by muoilienl testimony that she had been ill from the same cause four times within the last pt months. Under such circumstances as these, death is evidently about as accidental as it is when resulting from a railway ion occasioned by arrangements known to be faulty. One of the jurors remarked, that the use of arsenite of copper in artificial fower-making was — in France, as injurious to the health of the workpeople. Of course any restriction of that sort on our native manufacturer would be out of the question ; incompatible with British freedom. Something, however, towards abolishing the employ- ment of arsenic in preparing de for beauty might be done by humane but fast young men, in @ it and its consequences the subject of conversation with any girl, or maturer party, whom on a happen to meet, and whose heads or bonnets may happen to be adorn with green flowers. To a partner in a danee it is often difficult to conceive what to say; but dress is always a safe su ; only lest the young lady should despise you for a sentimental m spooney, you must take care to treat the practice of poisoning flower-makers in the way of business, with sufficient levity, not eeisuring it in strong or serious language, but only saying, for instanee, that you think it jolly avaricious, and delightfully inhuman. She will then, perhaps, be mare’ with some disgust at the idea of wearimg & impregnated with arsenite of copper. _ | om a —— - LOVE-SONGS FOR LUNATICS. Tue Bedlamitish bosh that nowadays is published in tlie way of ballad literature is really of so senseless and lunatic a charactet that one would think the seribes who write it were not elothed in their right mind, but were one and all invested with strait waistcoats. Any stuff that has a metre, and occasionally zhymes, no ‘matter how devoid of reason it may be, is aimed ig dubbed a sentimental ballad ; and we are sure the samples following, if only set to musie by some popular composer, and sung at a ; concerts by some of our first singers, would soon be warbled in our drawing-rooms and whistled in our streets :— I. Gaily the Tiger-cat tuned his guitar, Serenading the magpie with feathers and tar ; Sweetly he sneezed at her, sourly he sighed, “ Lady bird, lady bird, wilt be my bride?” She for the Blephant sadly had pined, , a tt = ox, and ~ Tomes, he ee: arrie ph close to her . Wrapped up im lobsters, bank notes, and_plam tart. At midnight the rivals they met in the whale, _ And fought by the light of the re tail ; The Elephant stood on his trunk to take breath, And the Tiger-cat cosily hugged him to death. Then with a cabbage-stalk boldly he wrote, “Come, love, and tread on the tail of my coat ; See thy own Crocodile whistling for thee.” He groaned—gave a gurgle—a cold corse was he ! IL. Lively, lovely Isatuvg, Dancing o’er the moon so green, Freckled is thy snow-black hair, _ Sparkling through the s air. hile their harps the dolphins play, Lo! thou skimm’st the milky whey F Wilt then be the mackerel’s n Lively, lovely IsaLtne. Blighted, plighted Isatrns! Mournful croak the eats serene ; Howl the gold-fish, mew the frogs, Weep the shrimps, atid purr the dogs. All thy pets with rapture say, ** Our lady will be y. But canst thou love a fish so green ? Blighted, plighted [sanine. ir. Twinkle, twinkle, little gir How thy nose is out of ge Up above thy chin so high, Like a lamp-post in the sky. ” When the verdant sun is gone, And the stars their hair have done, We will hire a lawyer’s dray. And gallop o’er the sea so gay. Then we ’ll feast on codling chops, Peagreen prawns, and PS ; Hnnt the skipper, catch the croup, And fill our shoes with myrtle:soup.

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234 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemprr 7, 1861. A BAD CASE OF T HROWING STONES. Mr. Bull. ‘‘Now muxp. You, Sm—no SHuFFLING—aN AMPLE APoLocy—or I puT THE MATTER INTO THE HANDS OF MY LAWYERS, Messrs. WHITWORTH AND ARMSTRONG.” | THE GREAT ECLIPSE. A GentLeMan well known in diplomatic circles, who recently visited Florence, has sent us a graphic description of this phenomenon. He | writes, ‘* Accompanied by my friend Catess, I reached Bellevue at six | on Friday evening. My friend was quite in love with Florence, and I must confess that more soft and beautiful hair (!) could scarcely be | oy aa or desired. A few minutes after our arrival, as we stood in the Conservatory looking out upon Florence—fairest of Italy’s daugh- ters !—a shrill cry arrested our attention, and presently a portly female en with a very diminutive infant, wrapped in ermine, reposing on her arms. This we Seennty learnt was the celebrated tout-les-mois Nourrice, Mavame Sanycamp, formerly of the Hépital de St. Thomas & Londres. ‘The effect was remarkable. Florence was cast completely into the shade, and Caizps also, was affected by a sensible gloom. It was a great Eclipse! The beauty of Florence was lost as it were behind a cloud, and her wealth, for which Princes had sighed, ‘and -_ twanged their mercenary lyrgs, had become a by-word and a jest. ret to our Hotel, my friend immediately went to bed, an: clasping my hand, in a voice broken with emotion, he intimated that if his precious life was spared, he should turn friar, and enter La Trappe. St ! that a rational bemg, who had so recently escaped from one trap should evince such a frantic desire to get into another. P.8. I should have mentioned that Fiorence is the only daughter of Count Brercamortre, and was, till the great eclipse occurred, pre- sumptive heiress to his immense estates. She was just seventeen— sweet seventeen—when her little brother was born. The Count, on ding the eclipse, his eyes and hands with grateful rapture, | exclaiming, “‘ 2 meglio tardi che mai,” Mr. Casseiw’s TeLecram.—“ The young Teetotaller, who, in an unwary moment, allowed himself to be intoxicated with a lady’s 8, has since drowmed himself in the bowl.” A JOURNEY IN SEARCH OF A PAIR OF GLOVES. In several of our extensive warehouses, ‘where they sell everything from a doyley down to a door-mat, it takes you‘a rare long time some- times to get to the end of your destination. For instance, we went into one the other day not far from Oxford-street. Our frozen digils stood in need of a warmer pair of what the Germans figuratively call “hand shoes.” “Sir, would you be kind enough,” said the shopman most civilly in reply to our request, “to take the first turning on your right, then walking through the Shawl-room, which is well worth your inspec- tion, you will come to the Ladies’ Paletét and Pelisse Department which you will leave on your left, and bear straight on for the Boa an Muff Depét,—” Here the poor shopman paused to take breath. ** After that, Sir,” he continued, “you will come to a long passage, of which you must take no notice, as it is only a branch of our Mourn- in Private Consulting-room, you will see before you a light iron circular staircase, which you must ascend, but avoiding the Babies’ Bib, Bassi- nette, and Berceaunette Show-room on the second landing, about half- way down the projecting gallery, you will notice a handsome mahogany counter, which is a Cane, Parasol, Parapluie, and Sun-blind Stall, and there, Sir, if you will give yourself the trouble to inquire, any one will direct you the nearest way to the Salon des Gants.” But we begged to be excused, for it struck us vividly that we might go to Paris and buy our gloves in less time. Instead, therefore, of undertaking that long journey, without having as much as’ kissed’ our dear wife, or taken leave even of the blessed children, we quietly went into the first hosier’s & small sentry-box of,a shop compared ‘to the handsome palace we had just left), and promptly got what we wanted. Toast FoR THorouGH CoNSERVATIVES.—Simony in the Church, and Purchase in the Army. ia the Precinct of Whitefriars, by atthe Ogee Xe. h Upper ters, at their treet, rate December 7, ¥ Woburn and 5 ‘ Place, Frederick be Ay pg Qagen '. Wi Road Megent’s Park, both io the Parieh of St. 1 ancras, in Published i the County of by them at Ne.®5, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, im the Cay of Loudon. and General Grief Department, but as you pass the Widows’ |*

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December 14, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 235 NATURE WILL Well-Intentioned, but Incautious Stable-Boy (in temporary disguise), \ ~ \ . ] 1 ' OUT AT LAST. to the restive and plunging blanc-mange. “ Wo-ho, there! Wo-0-0-0//” MUSIC WITHOUT NOISE. A Great Musician, as everybody knows, composed certain “ Son without Words,” but MenpELssony, in producing those poten impossible works, accomplished a difficulty less arduous than that which has been surmounted by the inventor of an instrument advertised by Mr. Cuaprett of Regent Street, as ;— “ AZEMAR’S SILENT PRACTICE DRUM.” The handbill, headed as above, informs us that :— “* For the purposes of practice, the Silent Drum possesses all the advantages of a real one ; it offers the same resistance and rebound to the sticks, and admits of an equal degree of force and action in beating, unaccompanied, however, by the excessive noise which precludes the possibility of a drum being practised in-doors.”* We would say that not only does the Silent Drum possess all the omrenase ot a real one for purposes of practice, but is also free from all the vantages of a drum which, when beaten, makes a noise. A solo on the drum is a musical performance to which few persons would like to listen under any circumstances ; but when executed as a piece of practice, especially im-doors, it must be extremely far from agreeable to anybody within hearing. : Well, but some one will say, what is the use of a Silent Drum? Might not the drummer, for purposes of practice, as well beat the air? This question is provided with an answer in the subjoined statement :— ** The degree of correctness in the beating is accurately ascertained by a slight sound, as well as by the vibration on the leg, to which the Silent Drum is strapped ; tion of the drum on the leg also corrects the fault, common to beginners, of allowing the sticks to drop towards the right. The small circumference of this instrument —_, the drummer to concentrate the blows, and its rim ensures the sticks be! ept at the proper height. The Silent Drum is very portable, six of them occup; ess space than one ordinary side drum.” The fact that the small circumference of the instrament compels the drummer to concentrate his blows, will be apparent from the follow- ing :— “DIRECTIONS HOW TO USE THE SttenT Drum.—Strap it on the left leg, a little above the knee, the iron tongue resting against the inside of the same; when | | standing, the left leg must rest on some slight elevation ; when sitting, the left leg | | to be bent under, and the right one stretched out, with the right side of the drum | resting on it.” | When sitting, at least, the drummer, if he missed the drum, would very likely hit the leg against which it would rest, and give himself an unpleasant whack on the knee, which would forcibly remind him of the necessity of concentration in aiming his drumstick at its mark. Mr. Tuomas Carty.e, in many of his humorous writings, takes frequent occasion to impress upon his readers the great value of the Silences. Among the Silences there are few more valuable, especially for purposes of practice, than the Silent Dram, M. Azémar would confer a great boon upon society, and particularly the studious part of it, if he could contrive to invent some other Silences of the musical kind. A silent piano in the next house would be a real blessing to many a person whose auditory nerves are sensitive; so would a silent flute, a silent fiddle, or a silent cornopeon. Let M. Azémar consult Mr. Bassace, who made the calculating machine, and abhors street-music; let them lay their heads together, and try if, between them, they cannot invent a silent grinding-organ, a silent brass band, and a silent bagpipe; to the use of which itinerant Italians, Germans, pseudo-Scotchmen, and other creators of public discord, should be restricted by Act of ‘Parliament. A Monarch is Never so Blind as When he Won't See. M, DE Vinckg, the ctngint Prussian orator, and liberal-hearted politician, whose. eloquent denunciations of wrong generally thrilled throughout Europe, is about to retire, to the extreme regret of all admirers, from public life. It may be that he is — with the conduct of the King, and his pompous feudal revivals, and absurd ravings about Divine Right. With one :o short-sighted as WILLIAM THE Firat, the Prussian GLapstone may feel that his presence, so valuable on most occasions, is no longer necessary, inasmuch as he cannot possibly do any. Oats Probably, he excuses his retirement by saying :—“‘ A nod | to a blind King is as good as a VINCKE.” VOL, XLI. BB

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemser 14, 1861. GOOD NEWS FOR THE NAVY. to be the tune just now in Portsmouth, an our other naval ports. And that Jack may be kept lively, the Ad- miralty very clearly seems to wish. Else we should not see such an announcement in the Era as that which we subjoin :— WANTED for the Royal Navy, a few BANDSMEN that can Play a Brass and String Instru- ment, Also, a few FID- DLERS, that can Play Jigs, Reels, and Horn- pipes.—Apply, &c. In our joy to find that Jack is to be fur- nished aboard ship with some more music ing tof this motice: er heard of, and the nearest approseh to it that we can call to mind is\a wretched old tin fiddle with its strings all out of tune, which was played bya blind beggar who used to haunt our pare agers and weekly did his utmost to drive us into Bedlam. But jigs, reels, and hornpipes, played on any sort of instrument, that liveliness to any pair of attached to any body t to see this imerease to the music of the Navy, command, take to playing Yaahee A MYSTERY BEYOND PRIESTCRAFT. Ly a “pastoral” relative to the Feast of the Immaculate Conception just pub- denounce the Freemasons. He avers that :— He Roxpesprerre, Danton, Marat, Carrier, and other monsters in the shape of men, who inundated France with the blood of hundreds of thousands . . who delighted im ruin and devastation, were all adepts of masonic lodges.” — om they were, which is doubtful because Dr. CULLEN asserts it, what then ? The Brotherhood of Freemasons is a fraternity of demons, of course, according to | | the logic of CunLzn ; and if every institution is to be ju of by members who disgrace it, what does Dr. CuLnen, by parity of reasoning, make out of the community which calls him Archbishop of Dublin? | Dr, Ounuen’s ideas of Freemasonry seem to be rather hazy. He proceeds to say :— “The A pany leaders of the revolutionary movements—Mazzin1, Kossurs, and Gassune-| are looked up te as the chiefs and leaders of secret societies or masonic lodges. Who can describe | pe hoe a ey inflicted or are actually inflicting on the world? See how they assail the holy But we do not see how they assail the holy Catholic Church, or the Roman | Catholic Church, which is what Dr. CuLien means, bat is another thing. They | seem to us to be for letting the Roman Catholic Church alone, to manage its | affairs in its own way, only without the assistance of the secular arm and the aid | | / | names, and also the “ secret societies or masonic lodges,” which he speaks of as identical. Does he really not know that though a masonic lodge is a secret society, a secret society is not necessarily a masonic lodge, or does he only pretend to confound the one with the other, and to represent Freemasons as inflicting evils, when he well knows that they have erred great benefits on the world, and whom, even in Ireland, can he expect to mystify by all that fatuous bosh ? From the Irish intelligence, whence the foregoing extracts from Dr. CuLLEn’s nonsense about Freemasonry are derived, it appears tliat :— “ Many Irish Roman Catholics, despite the denunciations of Dr. Cutten and his priests, still remain Freemasons. They will not permit the inquisitive glance of the priesthood, however, 2 —" secrets (not.even in the confessional), and hence the hatred they exhibit towards The Jesuits are not so clever as they are generally supposed. They, at least, ought to be in ion of the masonic secret, if that is to be discovered through from a trombone to a jew’s harp, are certain to have life i a to impart | listen. Sosmen always work the better when oe eens nian that any fiddler in the fleet will have to give up Rule Britannia, and, at an enemy’s | ! | see through any candidate for admission to their order, ack’s ALIVE appears | and discern a disciple of Ienatrus Loyoua from a respect- d| | | | | | | to enliven him, we! quarrel with the word- | | wecertainly might say that “‘a ‘brass and-string instrument ” isa thimgwe never | lished, Dx. Cutten, the great Irish theologian and astronomer, takes occasion to | of bayonets. ‘They—that is, both the three liberal leaders whom Dr. Cuien | who generally think of everything, and always at the very | duced, we would not advise our readers to subscribe to the |loan about to be proposed by the new French Minister of initiation into the masonic mysteries, and an affidavit of secrecy made with a mental! Zren¢ Mail Packet to be Past reservation. Or perhaps the arcana of masonry include a clairvoyance which enables a lodge of Freemasons to able man. A VOICE FROM WASHINGTON. From our Special Correspondent, We Yankees ain’t given to brag, Joun Bunt, we expect, has no notion Of going to war ; but his flag he does, we shall sweep from the ocean. And when the old vagabond lies In a state of teetotal prostration, Old freland in glory will rise, _ Independence to win as a nation. Our breadstuffs from England kept back, The sequel must be destitution. Her famishing millions, in lack Of e on revolution. Vierori will —_ » — 363 Aristocracy, friends o ession, Will be hurled down, and trod in the mire, No more for te practise oppression. Rebellion we li bring toanend, The slaves *mongst our heroes dividing, Or arms to the niggers we’li lend, 'To-give their darned masters a hiding. Work up all oar cotton at home, Let not one more bale be exported, Have the world at our feet, like old Rome By the kings of the airth as was courted. Want money? I reckon not we; A national debt we ’Il create, Twice as heavy as yourn, which will be, For Samsons like we air, no weight. On Government bonds we shall borrow Any money in Europe with ease. Why London and Paris, to-morrow Will lend us as much as we please. Foreign goods we shall: purchase with paper, Which let foreign usurers hold ; The British may swagger and vapour, At home whilst we ral all our gold. As Betmont to Szwarp has written, Any stock may in Europe be “placed,” _ And the chance, if the RoruscHixps ain’t bitten, Will be by the Barres embraced. We’ve twice afore whipped all creation, We’ve now got to whip it again. We air a remarkable nation Of modest, but resolute men. Joxun Butt, then, allow us to kick you, And don’t go resenting the act, Or into a cocked hat we ’ll lick you, Yes, Sir-ree, you old hoss, that’s a fact. A Joke Never Comes Too Late. We wonder that it had never occurred to us before—we, right moment—that the Cabinet Council, which was con- vened after the arrival of the news of the Yankee outrage on the British flag, might appropriately be called “Tue Councrt or TRENT.” PUNCH’S MONEY ARTICLE. Untzss the armaments of France are considerably re- Finance. _ It will be the old story over again of “The Fovutp and his money soon parted.” Nava Promotion.—The gollet Commander of , the ptain.

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December 14, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 237 PEDALIAN v. MENTAL SUPERIORITY. Iw those good old slow-coach times, when if you were sent to Bath it took you three days to reach it, a Man’s ambition was to be looked up to, his social advancement depending not on his feet, but. bis head. oets, Philosophers, Prestigiators, glancing skywards, climbed the unctuous pole of Fame. A queer revolution seems at length, however, to have taken place of heels over head, instead of head over heels. Celebrity is now attained per saltum, and the eyes of Europe are fixe: in wondering admiration, not on a lofty brow, but a Deer-foot. This c in public f must be met by corresponding changes im our public Institutions, ‘Oxford and Cambridge will soon be called mpon. to widen their curriculum, and to reco excellence in pec L as a matter of course. The Cantab then who can’t clear his temmiles within an hour, may reckon himself plucked at Lis little go. Pemman- ship will naturally be confined to a running hand, and if popular education is not to be neglected, our posters must assume a bolder:type, that he who runs may read. Bills in the Commons we hope will pass their different stages at a tremendous pace, and every jaupamaces mber will be called upon by his breathless constituents to a running account weekly of his political S. exhausted testator m component Sock forward to the time when his shall w, how ble then will — Ney Whether our Manchester prints will be a by current movement, and betray a fugitive disposition in their pi we aumnah pees 3 of this we-are assured, ’ the colours of old England will stand fast in every clime, and prove worthy of the heroes who clasping them ha‘ ‘AMERICAN SPIRIT MERCHANTS. Tue work ‘advertised as below-would, we should think, if anybody were wise enough to take it im, return the obligation :— “THE HERALD OF PROGRESS. “ ANDREW JACKSON DAVIS, EDITOR, “ A Cosmopolitan Journal of Reform, devoted to the discovery of Truth, and its application to Physical and Spiritual Progress. Specimens sent free. “ Address, A. J. Davis & Co., 274, Canal Street, New York.” Mr. AnpRrew Jackson Davis is a Medium who used to be called the Pionghnoapeie Seer, and to lecture on Cosmogony and Theology whilst asleep in mesmeric trances. He has now, it appears, connect himself with a “Co.;” and we suppose that A. J. Davis and Co. are carrying on business as importers of revelations and spiritual articles in general from the other world. For importers read impostors, is a suggestion which may occur to some of our readers. To cocktail, mint-julep, sherry-cobler, timber-doodle, and such like American drinks, there is no reasonable objection; but is it possible that the Yankees can swallow such stuff as that which is sold at A. J. Davis and Co.’s Spirit Store? A HEAVY FREIGHT. Miss Emiry FarruFvtn incagenising a plan for the “ Emigration of Educatud Women.” For o ves, we would sooner send away the uneducated women, and keep those who were educated in the country. We have not one too many. If, however, by the term “educated” is meant “Strong-minded,” we will give our most cordial assent and poy | ou to a scheme, at once so useful and beneficent, and one that cannot fail to be for the benefit of all parties, as well as a great relief to England. We d advise the Great Eastern being chartered immediately for this purpose, and we do not mind giving a large sub- scription in aid of it, provi the vessel sails at a ve —_ period. However, we pity the poor co: peer receives the intellectu: ! he only chance of its escaping this blue-stocking visitation is, that the pone peg Women may quarrel amongst themselves on the voy. out, of which there is the most natural probability; so that when the heavily-freighted ie eae the shore, there may not be one of them alive, and nothing their false back-hair, or magazine tales, left behind them. By all means, let so interesting an experiment be carried out, and to the greatest possible number. Advice on the New Coinage to Cadgers. Wuew you beg do not say, as you still continue doing, “Gentleman ! —ar yer got ar a .”* Leave off saying “copper.” There are no coppers now. You should ask for a “ bronze.” | AN IMPROPER EXPRESSION. THE QuzeEn’s English is in great danger of being permanently debased by a vile word which has lately been introduced mto it—the word “Reliable.” This base word was first coined in America, and thence imported into this country. It is about the worst word, not immoral, in the English language. Yet it is coming into very general use; you can hardly open a newspaper wherein it does not occur; and that even in leading articles written by educated men who ought to _ better than, at this crisis ially, to employ such an illiterate ankeeism. As Rely is to Deny, so is Reliable to Deniable, Is it not? Deniable, that may be denied. Reliable, that may be relied. But to say that a report or-an assertion may be relied, ig to talk nonsense. igence may be said to be capable of weg ies on. But Reliable is not that — relied on, any more than Deniable is that may be denied on. manner of persons are hereby commanded, in the name of the Queen, to cease from debasing Her Maszsry’s ish by using the spurious American solecism, Reliable; and, instead when the want an adjective to signify that this or that statement may be depende on, are advised to use the genuine English compound, Trustworthy. GOOD NEWS FROM AUSTRIA. We are happy to read that :-— “The Emperor or Avsrria has contributed the sum of 105 florins to the funds of the National Life-Boat Institution.” It is true that the above Institution is a world-wide charity. All ns in distress have a claim on its generous exertions. The life- j Rafowaceoing, on Beeline eee le tenes» ire what nation the belong to. They atengele ue a to rescue the lie of a Russian, oran Austrian, as of an Englishman. Still we are most grateful to both oF Italy, and other countries, that send out ships to brave the perils of the seas, soon follow their meritorious example ! It is a duty they owe to the principles of universal charity. As for FRancis-JOSEPH, we are sO Fr with his recognition of the Insti- tution’s services, that, should the wreck of the Austrian Empire ever take place, we cannot do better than wish that one of these very life- boats may be happily close at hand to save him, and carry him to some haven of refuge half as secure and comfortable as England ! MRS. DURDEN ON THE AMERICAN DIFFICULTY. “Tem there nasty good-for-nothing Yankees!” cried old Mrs: e Worrits aay that degree, it makes my life almost a burden. * Board cond — and seize our passengers, the ribbles! Goodness Like their imperence to be sure ; *tis that what makes ’em so owdacious- “What next now I wonder, Captain?” Answer Caprarn SKIPPER made, “Well Ma’am, our next move, I fancy, will be breaking their blockade.” “‘Blockhead! Ah!” exclaimed the lady. ‘Truer word was never spoken. Drat the blockheads all, says I; may every head on”em be broken !” MILITARY INTELLIGENCE. THE Woolwich Academy is about to change its name to the Mr- tary Do-tHE-Boys’ Haut, since that title has been found infinitely more in consonance with the Spartan fare and Draconian discipline that are rigorously crammed down there. The Government is, we are also informed, in treaty with a well-known Russian General, who has governed in Siberia, and had some little experience in Poland, to under- take the responsible duties of the military Wackford Squeers B those, who best know him, he is described as a regular “ knout-.and- knouter.” Part of the new regimen to be introd will be Brinstone and Treacle twice a week. The Cadets will not be expected to bring their own towels, as for the future there is to be an inexhaustible supply of towelling on the premises, to be dealt out in the most liberal manner, as occasion requires. Aw Escare From THE Frx.—The obvious way out, of the American difficulty is to set Mr. Strpext with his companions at liberty forthwith, and to make Mr. Mason a Free-Mason.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 14, 1861. we SA weg sulle) } — Se \\ eZ S \i: i) wet SA. FOR-RAD—FOR-RAD—AWAY ! Mr. Wuzel (who the last time he weighed was Nineteen Stone, a Sack of Guano, and a Barrowful of Bricks). ‘‘For-Rap—Awarx! OH, YEs! THAT’s ALL VERY WELL—BUT NOT WITH THE COUNTRY (?) AS HEAVY AS THIS!” WAITING FOR AN ANSWER. BRITANNIA waits an answer. Sad and stern, Her weapons ready, but unsheathed they lie : In her deep eye, suppressed, the lightnings burn, Still the war-signal waits her word to fly. Wrong has been done that flag whose stainless folds Have carried freedom wheresoe’er they flew : She knows sharp words fit slaves and shrewish scolds, She but bids those who can, that wrong undo! She as been patient : will be patient still. Who more than she knows war, its curse and woe ? Harsh words, scant courtesy, loud-mouthed ill-will She meets, as rocks meet ocean’s fretful flow. All war she knows drags horrors in its train, Whate’er the foes, the cause for which they stand ; But worst of all the war, that leaves the stain Of brother’s blood upon a brother’s hand. The war that brings two mighty powers in shock, Powers, tween whom fair commerce shared her crown : 2 By kinship knit, and interest’s golden lock, One blood, one speech, one past, of old renown. All this she feels, and therefore, sad of cheer, She waits an answer from across the sea: Yet hath her sadness no alloy of fear, No thought to count the cost, what it may be. Dishonour hath no equipoise in gold, No equipoise in blood, in loss, in pain : Till they whom force has ta’en from ’*neath the fold Of her proud flag, stand ’neath its fold, again. She waits in arms ; and in her cause is safe ; Not fearing war, yet hoping peace the end, Nor heeding those her mood who’d check or chafe ; Tue Ricut sHE SEEKS: THE Rigut Gop WILL DEFEND! MEMORANDUM FOR MANAGERS. “Mr. Puncn, You would do the playgoing public some service if you would request the managers of theatres to supply’playbills, which. not those who run, but those who sit, can read. si am not a very old fogy, and I can read your print easily enough without spectacles, but to read a playbill bought in a theatre, with any comfort, I want a bull’s- eye held close to it, and the light turned on. The type is not only wretchedly small, but also miserably pale, and must to many in the audience bé quite invisible. This is a great discouragement to that class of playgoers which includes your humble servant, and others who have charge of children that they might occasionally take to the ay. “The present form of playbill is the extreme which has been run into from its opposite, which the boxkeepers used to sell at one shilling, calling it bill of the ’ouse, or ’ousebill. That was a nasty flims double sheet of something like tissue-paper, printed in great blac letters, with ink that came off in the hands of the holder, and dis- coloured white kid gloves. In that particular, however, its disadvantage did not signify much to me, as I always wore, and still wear, black cloth; and, in my opinion, that old bill which anyhow was legible, is gen to the new one, which has only the negative merit of not being irty, and is no manner of use to “ Pareprawiias.” ——

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—— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemper 14, 1861. WAITING FOR AN ANSWER. = a = 1 Sensecnnibhad aoe —— Sec mee ates h oe Naa os

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Decempun 14, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 241 OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. EAR PuncH, “T Have been to see Othello This may at first hearing sound a little odd, but of course in your omniscience you are aware there were two Hamuers : one a prince who lived in Den- mark, and the other an English jeweller in Coventry Street, ndon, who sank his fortune in the raising of the Princess’s Theatre “Bven if I’d hadno willingness PSE c L ( accent is more readily disguise in the impassioned | of Othello, who, throughout the play almost is s under the influence of either rage or grief. The undulating cadence which M. FecuTER uses grows somewhat wearying to unac- customed ears: and his habit panens the sound of certain vowels has all the bad effect of an affected kind of drawling, and often quite destroys the proper rhythm of a line. If M, Fecurer would remember that our ‘a’ and ‘o’ are rightly diphthongs to the French, and that no one but a swell now dreams of drawing out his words, I think he might do much to improve his faulty speech, and thereby immensely add to the attractions his performances undoubtedly possess. As it is, all Suaksrzare-lovers must feel pained to hear his robbed of half its beauties by mis-pronunciation, which not the t_ acting can make them shut-their ears to, or be to condone, Mx. Puecps, though apt at times to be heavy and monotonous, yet speaks poetry with feeling, and always gees a proper accent to a words; and when, in Othello, he bids a sad farewell to his soldier’s occu- Py ome atl prclee mega as But as M. Fecurer s em they qui of t. effect, and one is rather glad than sorry when the speech is done. “In other — than those of mere articulation, I consider Mr, colloquial, and here the forei Pueps’s the rendering gf the character, whatever be the praise 5 is great) I give the B te His Othello is more dignified and stately in bearing, more manly in his — more fearful in his wrath. M. Fecuter’s is too sentimental for a soldier, too pettish in his gestures w. jealousy is wakened, and too placid, cool, and logical for the fiery-blooded oor. He first listens to Jago more with curious wonder than with angry indignation ; and when reason, as he h shown him for suspicion, he fails to give due force to his torture at the blow. His delivery of the words ‘not a jot—not a ot,’ expressive as it is, did not seem to me so touching as that of Mr. HELPS ; who sobs them forth with ul difficulty, while he struggles hard to hide the agony he feels. Then in the scenes that follow, M. Frcutsr vents his = more in gesture than in voice, aud though his gestures, I admit, are graceful and expressive, still such constant play of hands, however well directed, becomes a little tiresome—at east to English eyes. _“ But it is in the fifth act that I am most disposed to quarrel with his . ‘True, he has had the good sense to listen to advice, and no longer drags his wife across the stage before he smothers her. Still the smothering is too oy paren to please me, and seems vastly more a ‘murder * than it is a ‘sacrifice.’ I prefer the old adherence to the ‘Ne Medea nciple, of doing the dark deed behind curtain at the back. The m in is all the more effective because it is the | addressing to a looking-glass that he finds a not seen, and I think the classic rule — as fitly to Othello. I must protest too against such an alteration of the text as taking out of Des- demona’s mouth the lovely ‘ Willow’ song, and making a street ballad of it, chorussed, one may fancy, by a com of Waits. This de 8 mars the silent terror of the scene, and gives an air of to a most deeply tragic act. M. Frcuter is aclever man, but he is not a SHAKSPEARE ; and even if he were, he would have no right so to alter what another SuaxsPEaRE wrote. Nords he justified, I think, in his misreading of the text in the first sembence of this scene, and 1 i on the bed the words which are intended to satisfy his soul that the act he has resolved upon is needful, right, and just. The words, as I should construe them, mean that his wife’s adultery is a sufficient cause for him to take away her life. M. Fzcurer misinterprets them as meaning that his face is ‘the cause’ of her dis: ink i SHAKSPEARE had intended this ise, but shall not soon forget. Especially shall I remember the Mdpernnaitt leeks of haus with whah he turns away i when he ; | bids Jago ‘set his wife on to observe ;’ and his start of love when Desdemona shows her handkerchief, subsiding into coldness when ihe sees that it is not the one of which he is in quest. Nor can I fail to recollect thesecond scene in the fourth act, where, as he sits with Desdemona ai his feet, her face between his hands, eavours for a while to stifle his fell jealousy, and speaks with touching mournfulness and tenderness of love. “Nor is it merely as an actor that he commands my praise. The play, as now produced, is instinct with his intelligence, and (with the exceptions I have noticed) there is evidence of careful thought and taste in every scene. The senators no | sit in solemn semi-circle of immovable red_baize, with their eyes all fixed on vacancy as though they were all waiting to have their beards shaved off; nor do Jago and the others follow the old rule of always standing at the footlights to deliver their set a. and never opening their lips until the atti- tudes prescribed by old traditions have been struck. By having exits at the Sok, and chairs to sit upon, and posts to lean against when talking, the sceries are nicely varied, the action made more natural and less heavily monotonous than in our tragedies, I fear, too often is the case. Without making the appointments the chief magnet to attract, M. Fecurgr pays due care to the minutest detail, and with his manager’s assistance has ‘revived’ a play of SHAKSPBARE in a very lifelike way. I think he feels the public have no right to be satisfied with scenery alone, nor with the exhibition of one good actor only, supported by mere sticks. He has therefore done his best, as I believe, to drill the forces entrusted to his hands; and alth there still is room for much improvement, on the whole there is no doubt he has achieved a marked success. By Corning BS ee thus to other mets besides his own (how Mr. Rypzr has tamed by him ’tis won- erful to see!) he has aimed a deadly blow at the odious * Star’ system ; for ‘ stars’ too often fear to see a §) of intellect in others, lest it may eclipse a single gleam of their own light. M. Fecuter shows, however, that the small parts may be strengthened and the stage business well cared for, without diminishing the interest in the central figure ; and while I am sanguine in my hopes that he’il do more, in the drama’s name I thank him for the good work he has done. “One wHo Pars.” — A Papal Bull. Aw Irish paper, rabidly addicted to Papacy, as many Irish papers are, states that “Captain VEsEy’s batte wil leave Bristol by special train yesterday morning for Woolwich.” It may be presumed that this is intended as a hint to the pantomimists, who are busy arranging their materials for the forthcoming merry season. Such a sentence as the above would certainly make an agreeable change for the Clown’s worn- out interrogatory, “ How are you to-morrow ?” Aweaica’s Reat Dirricurty.—To do as she would be done by. SReRET ese emer h f : Md

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242 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemper 14, 1861. ei | Alen 4 Hh A Print| } _ f ii wil] "i it iho ! \\i b 1 \ ENCOURAGEMENT. Apsutant. “ Fail in ; and let me see a little of that ‘Superior Intelligence’ we hear so much about.” THEY MANAGE THESE THINGS BETTER IN FRANCE. Amone the gt of interest which America, whether we are tohave| Wuar’s this? ay or war with the Yankees, is to contribute to the Exhibition of} In the Moniteur we read that the Chinese Indemnity for the French 862, will be a Model of the Model Republic. It has been made to | victims of Chinese brutality, or their families, having been converted take to pieces, so as to exhibit not only the joinings of the several | into French money, and expenses deducted, the remainder has been States, and the separation between the North and the South, but also | distributed in certain proportions duly set out in the Report of the >, split which may at any time divide the West also from the | Ministers of War and Foreign Affairs. ederation. The Model of the Model Republic will be marked with black over | for the English victims of Chinese cruelty had long ago been paid into MODEL OF THE DISUNITED STATES. the parts of it correspondi Tnstitution is maintained. to those territories in which the Domestic he Irish element will be indicated by spots of mingled green and blood-red, and the German by whity-brown. In the Model will be comprised plans of the Senate and Congress, with a fight going on on the floor of both. The action of a Caucus and the working of the Ballot will be displayed, together with a specimen of a us Legislature. Fac-similes of Hard Shells, Soft Shells, Hunkers, Barn Burners, and other statesmen of the principal political denominations will also be included. The Battle of Bull’s Run will be faithfully rendered, even to the : hat, into which the fugitives from that memorable engagement said they were licked. Among the man seeresting fentares of the model will be accurate representations of Spiritual Circles, Tables for Spirit Rapping, and Spirits under the Tables, painting pictures of flowers and other objects in a few seconds; cigars and spittoons being proviiled for the use of the Medium, the Spectators, and the Spirits. The American Bar will also be shown, together with Mr. Epwin James, as he appeared when he was called to it: and all manner of genuine American drinks will be at hand, that any of those who are views the Model of the Model Republic with a suitable disposition, may liquor. Tue Two Great Wonpers or 1861.—Disraxzurjholding forth on the Church! and Bricut on Education! ! tches of dirty | the Treasury—but that no farthing of that money had yet reached a | victim, or the family of a victim ? ; | Iam afraid the little bird sung to that tune, and that he repeats his song; and moreover, that he adds to it a burden to this tune :— ** The Indemnity is with the Delhi prize money ; The bees of our hives when they ’ve made, taste the honey : But not so the bees of our Army and Navy— Their share is the bones, moins the meat and the gravy.” Oh, why isn’t Mr. Punch’s little bird in the House of Commons? If he had only £6,000 to spare, wouldn’t he perch in Finsbury, and ask the sweet voices of that pure constituency to utter themselves through his little bill. im Unfortunately the Finsbury Electors would rather present their little bill to their candidate, than see him offer his to them. So Mr. Punch’s little bird will have to whistle for a seat—till something offers at a lower figure than Finsbury. North and South. Ir seems the Northerners have hopes, by blog” ade of the ports, to starve the South into subjection. But we think it will be long ere the Secessionists are forced to ery out “ Fadus /” which in that case might them entering the workhouse as re-entering the Union. be translated “ Feed us:” and we shall about as soon expect to see | Was it a little bird that sung in Mr. Punch’s ear that the Indemnity

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ane a od — Ducemprr 14, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 243 nd Then there ’s National Honour, Joun Bricut, Jonn Bricut, a JOHN BRIGHT. There ’s National Honour, Joun Bricut ; Though the thing cannot be Arrn—“ John Todd.” ; Writ in plain £ s, d— You ’xe a comical man, Jonw Baicnt, Joun Bricut, i eae ae measure of ey oun Bricut— a You ‘re a comical man, Jour BaicHt; our favourite measure of right. or wt der Still that Honour ’s a fact, Joun Bricuz, Joun Bricut, You still turn to the left, : That Honour’s a fact, Jony Bricut, When your countrymen turn to the om, ouN Bricut— ‘And that war is good war, When your countrymen turn to the right. When it is foughten therefor, Says your heart, in your speech’s despi te, Joun Bricnt— ays your heart, in your speech’s despite. You deprecate war, Joun Bricut, Jons Bricut, ofeieeto Ww so? Tou? the high to the low, ion ee of bea Pate?" omy Eo ana oun Bricut, We're none of us anxious to fight, Joux Bricut— Who once on ship-board, We’re none of us anxious to fight. -. A French enemy floored, ee P th a hit from shoulder outrig’ onn BricutT— You’ve good words for the North, Jounn Bricut, Jonn Brieut, a : Pe Steg i words for the North, Joux Bric? ; With a hit from the shoulder outright. i ee — ~ gepaiate as “i oe peace ” Pn a, Joun Brieut), er e. “ >. by You find that it’s reasonable “a Joun Bricut— om Still thow dst better = Zone Maar), d ? ain, You find that it’s reasonable quite. Or I'll floor thee — — th f that — You would have us be neutral, Joun Bricut, Jonn Briext, Suet ote couvianed that i. vera, eoem Soaps You would have us be neutral, Jonn Bricut ; oat d | Yet abuse us as slack When ’gainst fighting you thunder, Joun Bricur, Joun Bricut, _ To pat North on the back— When ’gainst fighting you thunder, Joun Brieut ; ny ecee caer ee me oe new wo te? ou *ve few motives so strong, As your heart and your soul love a Joun Brieut— The States you "ve still praised, Jonw Bricut, Jomy Baieut, our heart and your soul love a fight. _ — pt wine for aineilamnme i Turn your bellicose nature, Jonn Bricut, Joun Bricut, And taxation so : Turn your bellicose nature, Joun Bricut : That your envy it seemed to excite, Jonw Brient— tf you — cat and thrust, Your envy it seemed to excite. Why our foes, a A ight, Joun Bricut ?— What ’s now to admire there, Joun Bricut, Jonw Bricut? ‘ hy our foes for your pre bon = Det What’s now to admire there, Joun Bricut? K f Ist their feathers and tar? - some fight for the Yankees, Jonny Bricut, Joun Bricut, r Or their horror of war ? —— fight for the oy Joun Bricut ; aa Or their candle at both ends alight, Jomy Brier ?— o their wrong if they stand, And reject our d And declare Captain Witxs im the right, Jonn Bricnt— If they vote Caprany Wruxs in the right. ae Their candle at both ends alight ? Ist their bull’tins or bullets, Jounn Bricut, Jonw Brieut ? Is’t their bull’tins or bullets, Joun Bricut ? Or their bunkum and brag, : Or the starr’d and stri tag, , mee That at Bull’s Run still showed in first flight, Jomn Brigut ?— A RECEIPT FOR ENAMELLING LADIES’ FACES. ; : : fe A Faenon Comrze, of well-known in the fashionable circles 4 That at Bull’s Run still showed in first flight ? of both capitals, says that, after all, the best enamel for a lady’s face is | Is’t their freedom of speech, Joun Bricut, Jomn Brent ? o delicate, compliment, one SOAS SAS eee eenoe SSn enn ch | Is’t their freedom of speech, Joun Bricur, in it. The application, he says, most oper | raises a beautif ted When the fact is quite clear, roseate blush—nature’s own co which no artificial composition, or a If you talked there, as here the vulgar hand of imitation, can possibly approach, or surpass. More- he You would ride on a rail shoulder-height, Joun Bricut— over, it does no injury to the complexion, but on the contrary rather ook You would ride on a rail shoulder-heicht ? improves it. Of course, the compliment must be laid on with a light ty } ” hand—for instance, the hand of a true-born gentleman ; for if any black- rf [ You still ery “out on war,’ Joun Bricut, Joun Brieut, guard, or ce gue vous appelez Sxos, should venture to attempt it, he is i bd You still cry “out on war,” Joun BRicut ; sure to do it so clumsily—avee une telle gaucherie—that the failure be- ® Well, war is a curse ; comes, not only ludicrous, but most painful. In such a ease, the roseate Ai But there ’s one thing that’s worse, blush instantly turns to crimson indignation. To make an unpoetic ad That’s dishonour, of which you make light, Jom Bricnt— comparison, it is all the difference, he says, between a rose-leaf and Dishonour, of which you make light. _ ed cabbage. Our gallant Comte, who has evidently studied in the : est sehools of Fashion, is pained to confess, however, that this charming Law of nations you sneer at, Joun Bricut, Joun Bricut, experiment, which rarely fails on the cheeks of fair demoiselles, meets Law of nations you sneer at, Joun Bricut; but seldom with gratifying success, when tried on the sallow éeint of If that law bad you call, ladies who have passed a certain age. The conclusion he comes to on Would you have none at all, this latter point is, we must admit, for one of his refined taste, slightly If Or the two Yankee laws, Mob and Might, Joun Bricnr — tinged with harshness :—“‘ Vellum (he says), to be illuminated properly, sk The two Yankee laws, Mob and Might ? requires the strongest colours.” gh But we don’t urge on war, JouN Bricut, Joun Bricut, ; tle } We pat hom hes } bea Roane a A Great Bore in an Omnibus. A * We’d but see law restored ; 7 Ar this wet and dirty season of the year, men sitting in an omnibus = Sure that prayer shouldn’t kindle your spite, Joun Brigut— | frequently sustain some little ineonvemience, in having every now and | Sure that prayer shouldn’t kindle your spite. then their knees brushed, by a lady who gets into the vehicle, with her a enormous skirts, on which she has swept up a lot of mud in the streets, We’ve a flag we are proud of, Joun Bricut, Joun Brient, and necessarily wipes it off upon their trousers. It is high time that We've a flag we are proud of, Joun Bricut ; omnibuses should be made four times as broad as they are now, in All benesth it are free, order that the extravagant apparel of the female passengers may to | Onthe dorthesea, _ consistent with the comfort and cleanliness of the others, who may be he And that flag never stooped to a slight, Joun Brieut— unwilling to ride outside to oblige a lady, or unable to do so even with os | That flag never stooped to a slight. | the view of avoiding a nuisance.

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244 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemsrr 14, 1861. A GREAT TIME FOR !RELAND! WE copy the following h from an article in the Nation Irish newspaper, written in Seticigation of a war between thie country and America :— ** Yes, then will the forces of England find in their front such desperate men as crushed their ranks at Fontenoy to the cry of ‘Remember Limerick.’ Yes, the men crowbarred out of their homes in Ireland ; the men oppressed, insulted, scoffed at, wherever they went, pursued by English slander, scorn, and hate—those men will be in the van of the fight, and then will woe come to Eugland! And what of Treland in this great time? What will Irishmen do when comes this su e eee: the like of which can only come once in many ages? We can tell what they may do, what they will able to do, if they act well their part as brave men,—they can, most certainly, establish the independence of Ireland.” And here is a portrait of the Author, hf , N N Ni S's RS . \ Mr. G-O’Ritia, THE Youne IRELAND Party, EXULTING OVER THE INSULT TO THE BRITISH G. SHOULDN'T HE BE EXTINGUISHED AT ONCE? JUSTICE IN A SCOTCH REEL. Enews law jargon is bad enough, but Scotch law jargon beats it all to nothing. Who, on the other side the Tweed, can e or tail of the YetveRTon business now in the Scotch Court of Session—before one of the Ordinaries; and what is an Ordinary to a with? He must be an extraordinary, if he can understand the proceedings of his own There is a “ Suit of Declaration” at the instance of Mrs. Teresa Loncwortn or YELVER- Ton ; and an action of “ Freedom or putting to silence,” on the part of Mason YELVERTON. We should have fancied this gentleman, if he was ever to be put to silence, must have been put to silence by the revelations of the Dublin trial. Can anybody tell us who is to be made to declare what, or who is to be i to silence, and why and when and how? Will nobody put the proceedings into in’ ble English for us? We should be glad to pay for the explanation at our usual handsome rate of one pound per line; but we doubt ifthe man exists who can pe yer the legal hieroglyphics of Scotch procedure. we can see is, that there is a Suit which affects two poor ladies vitally, and that it has been dragging its slow course along for years, in forms that bewilder the memory, and in language that defies the understanding. Everybody has seen a reel in a bottle. This case seems a Scotch reel in a bottle of smoke. A FINSBURY VOTER’S LAMENT. To Mr. Punch, «e Sr, _ “ Dexpiy as I sympathise with Bel- gravian Mothers, I cannot but feel that there are woes more deserving of public commisera- tion than those of which they so eloquently complain. I have, Sir, at my command seven able and aspiring orators. They have all sown their radical oats, and are anxious to settle down as Representative Men, if they can form a suitable political alliance, but un- happily the balance at their bankers does not exceed £2,800 each. They assure me that an union with the daughter of the late General Reform (Lady Finsbury) would ensure their unqualified happiness for years (barring Mini- sterial accidents). Borne down, however, by a painful recollection of their monetary un- worthiness, they dare not so much as look the gorgeous widow in the face. She, Sir, who has not girlish gaiety to plead in her defence, meantime coquettes with a group of timid and adoring admirers in a manner that makes my blood tingle—now smiling on one, now beckoning to another—now shaking her fan at a third—anon sighing with well simu- lated affection for a fourth. Sir, as an old and for this crying grievance ? Is political as well as cm wee felicity to be bound up in a ban- ker’s book? Are the amiable three per cents to be consulted before our sense of legislative responsibility? Is the balance of power insignificant compared with the power of the pence? Is access to the House barred by gold and silver sticks in waiting, and is the est seat reserved for the man who carries an air-cushion, and can raise the wind to fill it? These, Sir, are solemn questions, and I earnestly commend them to your considera- tion as our Country’s Guide, Philosopher, and Friend. Let me, Sir, in conclusion, re- mind you that old Sarum, for her iniquities, was cast into Schedule A; and though I | should regret to see Lady F. with her pecu- liar fascinations similarly treated, I do not hesitate to say that her seclusion would in- adequately atone for the poignant sufferings of those who love her I fear not wisely but too well. *T am, Sir, &., ** Vinpex ScrvutTator.” “PS. Prurvus dangling his purse may | boast of his conquests; but he will find that BRITANNIA is not to be trifled with if she is put on her metal.” |Indignation Always Takes a Selfish Turn, THERE is an old gentleman of our acquaint- ance who, though repeatedly told that the name of the Commander of the San Jacinto is Witxs, will insist upon calling hin Wuetxs. Accordingly, he will go on rayv- ing in this manner for hours together :— : No wonder, Sir, that sucha piratical son of a gun should be popular with the New York mob, for if you notice, Sir, the populace always had a low taste for WHetxks! For my- self, I don’t care for such things. For one pin, Sir, I would take his head off in a minute.” THE SMALLEST MAN IN AMERICA, We see there is a GENERAL Woot in the American army. If measured: by the illimi- cannot be much more than a dwarf on the truth of the old saymg: “ Great cry, little Woot.” consistent Reformer, I ask is there no cure } = bravado of the Yankee troops, the | —that is to say, if we are to place any relianee |, Printed by William Bradbury, ot N U Woburn Place, ana Frederick Mullett ot No. 19, Queen s Road Wi Regent’s P both in the Parish of St. in the County of Middlesex, rincare at tanks tice fa Lraitcod Doser a Che Pree oh eee ee ae Naan ee Penland by taser ae Re Se, Fleet Streets tn the Parish of St: Bride, in the Unty of Lenaeas= Sarunpar, December 14, 1861.

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—— ~ OO eo Decemser 21, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 245 How should the Princes die ? With red spur deep in maddening charger’s flank, Leading the rush that cleaves the foeman’s rank, And shouting some time-famous battle-cry ? Ending a pleasure day, Joy’s painted goblet fully drained, and out, While wearied vassals coldly stand about, And con new homage which they long to pay? So have the Princes died. Nobler and happier far the fate that falls On Him who ’mid yon aged Castle walls, Hears, as he goes, the plash of Thames’s tide. Gallant, high-natured, brave, O, had his lot been cast in warrior days, ° No nobler knight had won the minstrel’s praise, Than him for whom the half-reared banners wave. Or, graced with gentler powers, The song, the pencil, and the lyre his own, Deigned he to live fair pleasure’s thrall alone, None had more lightly sped the laughing hours. Albert. DECEMBER FOURTEENTH, 1861. Better and nobler fate His, whom we claimed but yesterday, His, ours no more, his, round whose sacred clay, The death-mute pages and the heralds wait. It was too soon to die. Yet, might we count his years by triumphs won, By wise, and bold, and Christian duties done, It were no brief eventless history. This was his princely thought : With all his varied wisdom to repay Our trust and love, which on that Bridal Day The Daughter of the Isles for dowry brought. For that he loved our QuEEN, And, for her sake, the people of her love, Few and far distant names shall rank above His own, where England’s cherished names are seen. Could there be closer tie Twixt us, who, sorrowing, own a nation’s debt And Her, our own dear Lady, who as yet When with a kind relief Those eyes rain tears, O might this thought employ ! Him whom she loved we loved. We shared her joy, And will not be denied to share her grief. Must meet her sudden woe with tearless eye : THE IRISH YAHOOS. A Granp Meeting of Yahoos was held yesterday at the Pope’s Head, for the pereene of hoe joy and exaltation at the prospect of the war which England is thought likely to be involved in with America. The Chair was taken by the O’DonoeHyanoo, one of the principal representatives of the Yahoos in Parliament. ; he O’DonoGHyAHoo, on rising, was received with much grinning, gibbering, chattering, and other demonstrations of applause. When the noise had subsided, he began raving, and continued for nearly an hour,’ pouring forth torrents of foul but almost inarticulate abuse of the Saxon, as he was unders as well as his sputtering and slavering enabled him to be, to style the object of his malignant invective, meaning ae go and the English. His discourse terminated with a succession of shrieks and yells resembling those of a hyena impatient for his carrion, and he sat down foaming at the mouth. The conclusion of the honourable Yahoo’s address was hailed with frantic howling and peals of convulsive laughter, like that of a multitude of violent idiots. Orations in a similar tone and opt, full of sound and fury, were delivered by Mr. O’Rancoutane, Mr. G. O’Riiia, Mr. Firzcamay, and other eminent Yahoos, who gloated on the calamities which they anticipated for England, and expressed, as far as they were intelligible, the most truculent animosity to the British Sovereign and_ people. Mr. O’Rancovutane created an immense sensation by brandishing a dagger, to indicate how he would like to serve the alien oppressor, in which Sp tage he nearly cut his own throat, to the great diversion of the assembly. After giving several rounds of hurroos for the Pore and Captain Wirxs, and of shouts and yells for Lorp Patmerston and Jonn Butt, the concourse of Yahoos separated gnashing their teeth, and retired to their dens, whooping, shrieking, and uttering the most blood- thirsty execrations. Boing home, many of them, in the frenzy of their malice, threw themselves down in the dirt yelping, whining, and howling, after the manner of the lower orders of he canine species, to which the Yahoo is nearly allied, being a creature between the mongrel and the baboon. Wuat THE Unitep STATES PARTICULARLY WANT JUsT Now.—A Short Cut to the Pacific, and rolled in it like dogs, | h SOMETHING LIKE MANNERS. Ay Irishman, in the old days of Protestant penton, was run over by a bishop’s carriage, and merely aeee, in a humble manner, as he sat rubbing himself, “What’s that for.” We feared that his docile race had become extinct, but the follo advertisement, which Mr. Punch cuts from a provincial newspaper, shows that there are still persons who know how to behave respectfully under aggra- vating circumstances :— ENTLEMAN RUN OVER IN CLAYTON SQUARE. If the Ladies who were in the Carriage when it was driven over an old Gentleman in Clayton Square, on Monday last, between the hours of Twelve and One, desire to know how he is, they are invited to send to No. 34, Seymour, Street. Nothing can be more polite than this old gentleman, and his delicate way of informing the ladies of his address sayours of the manners of the old school. Wedo not—no—we will not do such wrong to human nature as to suppose that he inserts the advertisement under the advice of some fiendlike attorney, who has failed to find out the address of the ladies, and hopes to catch them this a with a view to legal damages. No, we repudiate the thought. he affair is a bit of the manners of the high-bred school of other days. There was to be a splendid masked ball, at the court of the excellent Louis XIV., and all the world worth mentioning was wrapped up in the costumes, and dying for the splendid fée. A young Count, from Provence, was to be one of the most brilliant of the maskers. e hours before the /ée, comes to him, dustily, a servant from the provincial chdteau, and informs him that his Lordship’s father is deceased. “You are a vulgar fellow, Francots,” blandly replies the young nobleman, “and you judge the nobility by the standard of the canatlle. My father is too Bon 4 of a gentleman to die at such a moment. Come to me in the morning.” The old gentleman of Clayton descendant of the high-bred young Count. urt. uare must surely be a e hope he wasn’t much English and American Bulls. : An English Bull’s run calls aloud to beware Of his horns, ever prompt to , But a Yankee Bull’s Run is another affair ; And creates most alarm by his tail. t i PF } 1 ‘ VOL, XLL, cc

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| } | | |

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 21, 1861.

Cf Likud, mnt a << GREAT WESTERN, 3 AM. ‘* Why the deuce do you always Yaww when you look at me, Sir, Hay?” ** Why the deuce do you always Loox at me, Sir, when I’m YAwW—HAW—HAWNING !”

PATIENCE AND PREPARATION. | “Let us be calm,” say you, Joun Bricut : Oh yes, we will be calm ; But that we may not have to fight, We'll show that we can arm. 1M de 2 MM By meek submission to a blow You make.a bully brave; ee | But if a ready fist you show, TT MAA a | Your pardon he will crave. Hadi ae ¥es, life is precious, useful gold, Nor idly to be lost ; But if we would our honour hold, We must not count the cost. | We seek no quarrel: but, if war Be foully on us thrust, Unnerved it shall not find us, nor With sword made blunt by rust. We wait their answer calmly, but With hand upon the hilt : If they the gate of peace would shut, Be. theirs alone the guilt.

The Fellow for Finsbury. Tue Electors of Finsbury have not as yet found a Liberal candidate to their mind. The sort of Liberal that the free and independent electors of that incorruptible borough would like to ‘get hold of, is one that would be will- ing to stand a contested election, and spend £6,000.

A Caution to Sinners.—<According to a | popular saying, the Evil One looks over Lin- |coun. Yes, and he seems also to have his eye | on SEWARD.

ENLARGING THE AREA OF A POLICEMAN’S DUTIES. A Deprvuration of Berkshire Magistrates waited on Srr GrorcE Grey last Thursday for the purpose of obtaining information respect- ing the views of Government on the question of agricultural statistics. The general feeling of the meeting was “If the Police were only te be employed to deliver the notices and to collect them when filled up, some persons asked why should not that be done through the Post- office or the overseers. People suspected some mystery when the agency of the Police was used.” We can easily imagine what the “mystery,” in the minds of most persons would be. It would take the form (if nothing worse) of an mquisitorial inquiry into the provisional government of the establish- ment. No Englishman’s castle would ever be safe. It would be | | liable at all times to an imyasion from the Police—the part of the | mais that would command his. best attention being, of course, “the eep.” In fact, if a gentleman were to find a Policeman in his kitchen, and the latter were to excuse hi by saying, “ Please, Sir, I’ve called to collect agricultural statistics,” we do not see what the master of the house could say against it, even though the débris of the enjoyed love- feast. were still lying on , story. The above handy excuse will be as} good as a latch-key to a Policeman to let himself in to a country gentleman’s house as often | as he pleases, The reports he will make afterwards will be most | harm. amusing of their kind. They will be.as pleasant as the reports of squibs that boys scatter amongst each other for their amusement. We cam imagine a party of these large blue-coat boys bounding with pleasure over the explosion of one. How they would laugh, pa jump, and go through a “ aap cure” of delight ! e can conceive t. these are the agricultural statistics that I have been able to collect there. He keeps three servants, of which one is a Cook. She is about twenty-five, and has two chins, besides a strawberry mark on her right The beer is uncommon . There are hot joints twice a week. The housemaid has the making of the toast. The best day for calling is Sunday, as they mostly always has company up-stairs. The lady’s made wears false hare. Cheese only good for elsh rabids. | Missus locks up tea and sugar, pickles:and spirits. Family goes to bed e table to protest against the truth of his | i ¢ e report taking some such form as the following : | * Fi ’ “This ’ere is to testify that I have been to Squrre Broapacre’s farm, and | Word to Churchmen. | nuckel of am, in very bad cut. te the Police being | employed to collect the latter. Mr. Wanrer, M.P., said :— | a boy in the stable, a parrot, a pig, and a peramblehater. | ‘ . at eleven. Beware of the big dog in the yard let lose always at the | Same time. Cooks wages is ten lbs. a-year, and a bottle of gin on Christmas day with missusses’ hold close. Examined the larder, and this is what I found inn side. Breast of wheel, very low. Dish of cold potaties, 10 and abit. Likewise of melted butter with parsley. Sinall : i Side of baking. 2 Ropes of unniongs, — of bread, 1 plate of salt butter, 3 red earrings, and box of onn- hovy paste. The family also keeps a gig, a cat, a 8 day -—~ a pony, ey dines at four o’clock—broken scraps only on the Saturday. They washes at home, takes the plate basket up to bed with them, ill-treats the servants, |mever pays until their maid to pay, and goes to church twice on the

Sunday. We have slightly altered the above report, so as to make it commonly intelligible, for the Police are not always distinguished men of letters. However, it says quite enough, we contend, to prove the expediency of keeping Commissioner Mayne’s busy corps of blue-bottles out of our larders and households. A Policeman is a wolf that every English- man should struggle to keep from his door. The Police were instituted to apprehend persons and not facts. Only let this prowling aqeerelare! commission be established in their favour, and we shall soon be requiring a companion to M. Micneter’s ful- minating book of “ Priests, Women, and Families,” to be written in order to denounce the paul-prying evil; and a not imappropriate title for such a counterblast against the encroachments of Scotland Yard would be “ Ponicemen, Servants, anD Famiuies.” We don’t want. the Peeler to perform in England the character the Prétre is supposed to fill in France.

High Church and Low Language. Larety has been published the fourth edition of a work entitled Crispin Ken, by the author of Marian May, with a New Chapter, A It is to be feared that Crispin Ken is more likely to suggest a new phrase to costermongers. “Ken,” in the language of the lower orders, is an abode, and “Crispin” everybody knows to be a name for a shoemaker. Crispin Ken is a title which will most likely be borrowed by vulgar persons from a genteel Church novel, and appro- priated to a cobbler’s stall.

A Cowrrast.—English character personified is Joun Buus. That of America is embodied in Jonatuan Buty.

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eis tled A kely e of be a y be pro- ‘hat Decemper 21, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 247 PROFESSOR SAYERS AT OXFORD. _ E are sorry to see 2 that, the other “ir \ day, when the \ “SY cireus of Mr. Tuomas Savers was at Oxford, the Universit authorities too occasion toforbid the undergra- duates attendi that instructive entertainment,— instructive, be- cause .we have reason to sup- poe that the ex- bition would have included a ttle sparring, caleulated to im- part to the colle- of the art of self-defence, and stimulate many of them to apply themselves to its acquisition. The cultivation of that noble art is not incompatible with the study of the liberal sciences ; its students would not beat Latin and Greek ~ of each other’s knowledge-boxes, nor is it to be feared that they would proceed to punch eads of Houses. Such consequences will be ed by no one who understands the logi of a Mill. Some of the Oxford students will have, one of these days, to stand up for the Thirty-Nine Articles, and other important stakes. Some divines are heavy; but, heavy weights or light weights, they will be none the worse ing the use of their hands; and besides, in learning to box they would be schooled in fighting with temper: a point too much neglected in theological education. We regret to see that in the edict prohibiting the resort of the youn Oxonians to Mr. Sayers’s establishment, that gentleman was describe d talk of a person named Pusry? The Anglican champion is a celebrated clergyman; but his renown is not greater than that of the Champion of England ; and the antagonist of HeEnan deserves to be spoken of with respect, as Mr. Sayers, or Mr. Tuomas Sayers ; or if “Mr. Sayers” be accounted as absurd as “Mr. Casar,” then let reverend gentlemen, as they say Jutius Casar, so_with becoming consideration, speak of Tom SayERs. as “a person named Sayers.” What would be thought of any one) who shoul A SMASH FOR A SENSATIONIST. Aw ‘amiable and truth-loving correspondent of the Standard, who dates his letters from New York and signs himself “ Manuarran,” has been giving such a rose-coloured description of Ameriea, that one sighs to think that one has not the great happiness of living there. Among other things to tempt one to emigrateas soon as one can get the chance, is this attractive hint as to the power of the President, which ““Maw- HATTAN ” may of course be trusted in divulging :— “Those prisoners committed to the great prisons will die in them. It rests entirely with the President whether they are ever brought to trial or not. thinks it better for the publie interest ‘that such traitors as Mason and SLIDELL should be imprisuned for life, he can have it so. This will be the fate probably of most of the leading traitors. The successors of Lincotn will probably take the same view of it. GENERAL JACKSON, when President, kept a man, who had annoyed him, in prison for eight years, by merely ordering the district attorney not to bring him to trial.” We hope a copy of the paper which contains this precious statement will be sent to GENERAL JACKSON as soon as may be possible, for we cannot but believe that it will be a bit of news to him to hear of the nice conduct of which he is accused. Were we disposed to view “ Man- HATTAN ” as otherwise than one who is a stranger to veracity, we might lift our eyes in wonder that the head of a republic so free and fond of li as that of the United—or rather Untied-States should be in- vested with a power over people who “annoy him” as complete as any “— ever wielded with the bowstring, the knout, or the Bastile. ith a boastful word or two about the kidnapping of Messteurs Mason and Sipe, and delicately stating that it “quickly took the starch out of them,” and that “when they came in sight of the fort that was to be their future prison and — tomb, the chin of Mason dropped and the of both gave way,” the amiable “MANHATTAN” gives us some advice as well as news about our Con- nae apa Lorp Patmerston will doubtless be thankful for and Pp — “The English Government ought to remove all its Consuls from the Southern some 0-| If he} ports. They have been the great promoters of the rebellion, and as fast as they are caught, they will be locked up. Government has enormous quantities of proof inst every one of them. It will keep; but the fact that these men are agents of England only makes their crime the greater. There be a great quantity of fun before long.” The amiable “Manuartan” has grim notions of a joke. What sort of a ” he is expecting may be easily inferred from the paragraph at follows :— 1. The President refused to read the letter or held any conversation on the tied, se ae i | | that traitor will be the United States Marshal | | of one thing, within six months a demand will be every | | Europe that harbours criminals to give them up. Lorp } | pleasure of delivering up Yancry and Mason, if they do not escape from London.” | Of course we need not say that we believe that every syllable | | is strictly true. In tion of its ren = may add, that we have | | learned, through a source quite as reliable, when the hint dropped | by the President was brought to the States hangman, that “ officer of | | the Government” rated twice with a marked gaiety of manner, _ and after liquoring up a Sling, a Stone Wall, and a Corpse-Reviver, he | mertily danced forth mto the middle of the room, and sang a pleasant ' little song with this agreeable refrain :— “E would EF were With Daneey! oho! oho! | Ouse tae a p-Boor, | What joy to be with Bancep!” _ While one is about it, one may as well be fully circumstantial in one’s | lies ; and we feel somewhat surprised that the amiable “ Manuarran ” should give such bare and meagre details of the facts (! — ich he relates. But what we wonder at still more is that such , lying letters as | | those which he indites shoud te inserted in large type in any Knish should continue to be veal, and that, in spite of them, that journal | old. | | THE AMERICAN DILEMMA. Your passion and arrogance, JonaTHan, bridle, And let me know what you call Masow and SiupEx1. Are they rebels? What right, if you take that position, Had you, boarding the 7ren¢, to demand extradition ? Had Mitcuen. and MeacueEr been SLIDELL and Mason, We you, and you we, would you think no disgrace on Your flag had been cast, its protection from under If we those two traitors had taken, I wonder ? Belligerents call you the men you laid hand on And the charge of high treason against them abandon ? Were we fighting the French, then you’d have no objection To our seizing French envoys beneath your protection. | Moreover, as prisoners of war if you take them, And therefore their country’s am make them, You put yourselves then into this situation ; You are first to acknowledge the Confederation. THE POPP’S BRITISH GOVERNMENT. |_ Tue British Public is requested to take notice that Mr. Lamo, | Derbyite, has been returned for Birkenhead, in preference to the Liberal candidate Mr. Brassey; by what influence will appear from the subjoined paragraphs of election intelligence :— “Notwithstanding the most arduous efforts on the part of the Liberal they were unable to recover the lost ground, and the poll closed, giving Ma. Larrpa majority of 328. “ There was considerable excitement, owing to the religious clement being langely introduced, the Roman Catholics of iy er: ge: the Rev. Canon CHaPMAN at their head, actively supporting the Tory » Mr. Laren, and his réturp ir undoubtedly attributable to the course taken by this section of the electors.” Elsewhere it is stated that :— ‘*At the polling a body of two hundred Roman Catholics, headed by Canow @nap- MAN, were ostentatiously paraded in sw of Mr. Larrp. This demonstration was, no doubt, intended as a rebuke to the supporters of Her Majesty's Ministers, for the liberal policy pursued in regard to Italy, and as a proof of practical conecur- rence with the lucubrations of the Bisnops or ORLEANs and Porctiers, and other supporters of the temporal power of the Pure.” So Mr. Larep owes his election to voters who send him to the House of Commons in the hope that he will support the government of the Pore and oppose that of Loxp Patmerston. The government, of Lorp Dery and that of his Honmess are much the same thing aecording to the papists of Birkenhead. Let this be remembered, when a vacancy occurs elsewhere, by electors who value the liberty of Italy and the honour and interest of England.

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248 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 21, 1861. mt TUN Ley) ti mn | | st | | i 1 AY \\ MA My) BOOKING A-CUSTOMER. Messrs. Cutts and Longstick, who have suffered much from the difficulty attending the Identification of ‘* Clients” on their return from a lengthened Tour, resort to the accompanying Device. Whilst the Captain is being measured by the Foreman, the Junior Partner adjusts the Camera for his Photograph. | And some leave wiyes and children, sweet-hearts, and parents dear, A GOD-SPEED TO THE CANADA-BOUND. Warm hearths for icy darkness, full cups for sorry cheer : : : : : | From the general to the private, not one among them all, Gop speed you, Guards and Rifles, Line-regiments and Artillery, | But blithely makes his sacrifice, be it great or be it small. Punch flings his old shoe after you, and drains his glass of Sillery, | And here ’s his toast, “‘ May boiled and roast, and drink and clothes and | And shall we grudge them a comfort, that purse of ours can pay, firing, d-speed and a greeting, as they sail upon their way ? Ne’er fail your pluck, and here’s good luck, stout arms and legs | Blow fair, ye winds; be merciful, grim winter, to our brave, untiring.” May our blessing serve to strengthen, our prayer have power to save ! vy . Jemnenen ane sleet and fogs, its a9 ae and frore ; in sea there ’s storm before you, and frost upon the shore ; COMMERCIAL SLANG. In the long, long march, through pine and larch, along the trampled ; snow, Iy a trade report, dated from Melbourne, we find the following extra- With the icy breath of a sleepy death about you as you go. ordinary entry :— _ fet ** Bass’s ale dull.” But — Buut clothes your bellies and your backs with food and urs, And in your own brave veins the blood of manhood cheerly stirs ; So if there’s i in meat and drink, and manly hearts beside, All safe you’! land, and to arms you’ll stand, where rolls St. Law- The statement, made in the face of the known fact that Bass’s ale is brisk, cannot but be considered most unscrupulous. According to commercial intelligence from Foochow, also, “Tea” is “active” and Congou is likewise represented as “active” by advices from Shanghai What is the activity of tea? Is it similar to thatof physic? Teause rence “side. . to be denounced as a slow poison by some Lag: oh or slow the wags And the blessing of your countrymen, and countrywomen too, sometimes wrote sloe. If tea is stained for the British market with Will cling and close about you, as hear‘y blessings do, mineral colouring matter, it may well be poisonous ; pethaps intensely Surpassing warmth of food and fire, from heart to heart they’ll rum— | $0, operating not slowly but with great rapidity. Do the latest accounts And England’s wide and watchful arms will clasp her every son. from China suggest no fear that the tea which they describe as active ‘ ; may be an active poison ? There are beardless chins among you, there are heads all grizzly-grey, es There are lads of tender nurture, and rough slips that none would stay : There *s gentle blood and simple, there’s nobleman and clown, Notes on the Cattle Show. eer eulianiag eat for Conger by commen Suty Seune. In Class 4, that of Devon Cows, a prize of £5 was awarded to Mre The fopling Guardsman flings his crust of foppery away, E. Porz. How came his Holiness not to win a prize fora Bull? And sets to work as lightly as e’er he set to play : The pigs were said to be marked by admirable breeding. On this From club, boudoir, and drawing-room, and hunting-field, he’s there, | occasion, then, they negatived the old saying :—“* What can you expect To face the lot that others face, and fare as others fare. from a hog but a grunt ?” 0 pee eee mem & aes ee, es...

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—December 21, 1861. ~ AN \ \ SS Ss SMU iif a 7 V, 4 A LIKELY STORY. Captain JonaTuay, F.N. “JIST LOOK’D IN TO SEE IF THAR’S ANY REBELS HE-ARR.” Mr. Buu. “OH, INDEED !—JOHN! LOOK AFTER THE PLATE-BASKET, AND THEN FETCH A POLICEMAN,” Ire his ect

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Ae ay 4 Decemper 21, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 261 OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. thank Miss Pyne Mr. Bars, and Mr. Harrison for a very pleasant even- ing with The Puri- tan’s Daughter. The night when I ‘at- tended was the first one of ‘the Cattle Show, but I cannot say the audience pre- sented any symp- toms of a mark bucolic charaeter. There were neither fy faces nor thic top oats in the pit, nor did the audience in general betray a rural origin by ap- plauding in wrong places, and so put- ting the actors out. The rustic mind, I fancy, receives - much more enjoy- ment from the song- sters of the supper-room than the singers of the Opera, and the Wondrous Lzorarp is far more likely to attract it than the melodies of oy and ne scenery of os pan ‘ *e “ Not being (thank goodness!) a musical critic, and in consequence obli to keep my ears upon the stretch to catch all failings and defects, I enjoyed the opera pak ane need not hesitate to say so, for I’ve no character for critical ity to lose. Without quite endors- ing the opinion of one writer, that the name of Batre stands first of all English composers, whether of the or of the present time always take a pleasure in isting fo is mss, and his latest work is even more than usually nee me. If I am wrong in ranking it as his best composition (not even excepting the ever-green Bohemian Girl), 1 would ascribe my error to the care of Mr. MELLON in ne up the opera, and the efficient way in which it is performed. They who recollect how ish Opera was treated in the days of Mr. Buyy, should go to Covent Garden and hear Mr. Me.ion’s orchestra, and notice with what taste the accompaniments are played. Another thing, too, they may notice is, that now-a-days some pains are taken with librettos, and that the Mr. Batre has now to set to music are not such Bedlamitish bosh as they were in the old time, when “hollow hearts’ were nightly said to ‘wear a mask,’ though how on earth they did so nobody could guess. Despite inanely ~— words, and though the street-organs have done their worst to make me hate it, I still retain a lingering love for the Bohémienne aforesaid; but for | Lo’ the freshness of its melodies, the Daughter of the Puritan is quite worthy to be named with it, and they have the further charm of not being quite so whistleable, so that_our butcher-boys, one hopes, will not so easily get hold of them. Clever critics may object that the melodies, though pretty, are all cast in the same mould, and may exer- cise their memories by humming a chance phrase and recalling a twin- brother in some other Balfeian work ; but for myself, [ am quite satis. fied with simply listening to the music in my unenlightened way, and not attempting to determine whether Mr. Batrx repeats hi as most writers have done), or in what preeise degree he falls short of the rs oe of the continental schools. “ But whatever be the doubt as to the merits of the o surely can be none as to the manner of its production. The well drilled that, one almost shut one’s open and think that Apoll was conducting it; and the singers oneand all do their best towin su and deservedly secure it. Muss Pywz’s delicious voice is heard to f advantage in a part exactly suited to her, and her extremely graceful gestures are a study which our would do well to try and imitate, instead of singing as they mostly do with arms stuck to their sides like the ina k. Mn. Harrison moreover, as the rakish Barl of Rochester, played a rollicking drunken part in a manner that surprised, not less than it pleased me. His song in praise of punch all punch-lovers:should hear. The minor key redeems it from all shade of vulgarity ; and indeed his 7 2 less than his singing, is so free from any coarseness, while yet so droll and funny, that many a ‘comic’ actor might well receive a lesson from it. As for Mr. Sant ey, the prettiest air in all the opera is put into his mouth, and he sings it with such taste I hate, detest, and. e encores, I really was not so pitites re-demanded it. Besides having the merit of a pe there is so 0) when the t which is j i [ | ann | | | as he does all his other music) that, much | deed | recollects the pay they have been earning. One original and yet easily intelligible (a merit which most operas of late have been without), the new work Rs the novelty of a lover who 9 bass ; and one might well incline fo wena lent were followed, i Sanriey’s in parts if one were always certain of a voice like wherein a ‘ tender tenor’ usually is heard. “ What is going on at the Strand and the St. James’s and Olympic and elsewhere, I may have occasion to of in my next. Doubtless i her akg nailed thoes at the Riel Flees oul oma the their eq ose at the L re, as | am the old familiar Colleen Bawn notification of ‘ Hovss Crammep’ ner displayed et the week, in co r the revival (though it seems a ‘bull’ to call it so) of that immortal drama. . an Mrs. Boucicauur have had a hard week’s work in playing the Colleen and Octoroon together, but one really can’t much pity them when one almost undertake : the labours of Hercules upon such good terms, “ By the way, I must just add that in her hi the week, the ed | Clio o the stags coinigly to note that, i shotiont compliance of with the wishes of the expressed through ‘hourly’ waggon- loads of letters to the , t t has been re-written, and the drama is now brought to # felicitous sion. Poor Mz. Bowercapur! It must have eost him a sad snceel ain sod Segura slog. moral aim an Pp letter to the Times, and think altering his work. Yet, much as Lapplau a lesson im m , | must say E rejoice that he has opinion that they ’d rather be without it. pepe ee and immoral aet to contemplate; and I shail go vastly greater willingness, now that a marriage cup of poison, and by a few strokes of the of suffering a an Ul is saved from the task _“ Onze wo Pars.” PHOTOGRAPHIC CARICATURES AT ROME. by a letter from Rome it is stated that— “The et Purnd pevrs Geena te Se that no one po clon eee ee ee authori from the Rev. Master of the Sacred Palace, from the Cardinal > and frora the police, under penalty of 50 dollass fime. Amateur Photographers are liable to the same regulation.” _A maternal qoveginent imposes this restriction on the personal liberty of its subjects, because some of them abuse the photographic art. Provision for the punishment of offenders in that kind, one would think, would suffice to meet the case; and their correction has been tolerably well provided for by the arrangements thus specified :— “The producers and distributors of indecent 0 phic plates are to lose their instruments, to be fimed 100 dollars, and to be sent to the galleys for a year; the i penalty to be inflicted on the models who may have served for such produc- tions.” Serve them right. But what cause has the Roman public to thank the papal Government for giving it the benefit of an improvement on ep Campseit’s Act? We further read that— “Tt is stated that this edict . . . was absolutely called for by the recent clandestine publication of some very seandalous photographic represen: in which the heads of the Porz, CarprnaL ANTONELLI, the QuEEN OF Napies, and Sat poramne of Math eke were placed on the bodies of other individuals in such a 8 manner as to deceive any s tor, and with such a not only to a but also to.decency, as fully justifies the measures by the Would his Eminence have interfered with the licentious photo- raphers if they had placed the heads of GaARIBALDI, ge pig: gion the Emrzror or tHe Frencn, Lorp Patmerstox, Jonn Butt, Mr. Punch, in the same vile relations as LF cgi | they put the upper storeys of AnToNELLI, the QUEEN oF and his Holiness, or in an os myer hey vile ? if the head of put on t y ofa 2 in pontificals blessing a rgan that of the QugEn or Naries on the shoulders of Moll Flagon, an: pee | grog - those ae Fra Diavolo, pape the Cardinal Vio consider the photograp’ so composed as ¢ & grievous dis- egeed to Geospoy as worl 98 5 any It is no donc iw well as high treason at Rome anyhow to take off the head of the Church. What a wonder the Sun lends himself to such an enormity ! Cannot Prus excommunicate Puasus ? the Pore were ‘tan bri A Queer Sort of Cow. A “GarpENER” in the Times wanting a p would “Not object to a cow if handed.” would object to a cow with two ds, for the matter of that? In- two would be better than one for a cow to have, such a cow, instead of being at all objec would be far able to sup olen: ite iiaado sxablel owner to dispense with a milkman. advertises that he would? Who

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252 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemser 21, 1861. ebb thy | BOOKING | OFFICE. , yl! {uit hs TL) n mf 1] mt NX ine It r] ‘ > aa Oe Nie Wie a a /) 2 wv - : 4 . RESULT OF THE CATTLE SHOW. Farmer Sitrpopy To Farmer Furipopy. “ Well, I’m dead agin’ High Feedin’. What's the use of a Great Fat Brute that’s half Tailor?” A DISH OF LAVA. We are disappointed with Vesuvius. We had hoped better things from that old and respectable, if rather fiery party, than that at a moment like this he should be so excited by the state of affairs in taly as to lend to the general perturba- tion. But he has burst out into a furious eruption, and is fri ing away the people, and swallowing up villages, just as the Dragon of Wantley todo. It is inconsiderate, and be Pa worse, it is self-humiliating. We would apologise for the old mountain, but hardly know what to say. Does he recollect the days when Spartacus, with a band of slaves and gladiators, took ion of his fastnesses ? and does he think the Italian brigands of our day yg | to fill the place of men who fought for freedom? Does he remember that in 472 he sent his ashes as far as Constantinople, according to the historians, and does he want to give the Suan Aspvt-Aziz a hint that he will have to put other ashes on his head if he does not mind what he is about? We are not in the old crater’s confidence, and cannot say; but unless he can give a very reason for his inflammatory conduct, we do not think that he is be ving well to Italy. He has destroyed that unlucky Torre del Greco exactly twenty-five times, and there is a monotony, arguing aridity of intellect, about his p ngs. We scorn to hint to him that there are several uacks in England who advertise remedies against all eruptions, and that we should ve no objection to throw such remedies, and the advertisers, into his chasms, though such is our feeling. His years and history entitle him to reverence—Shake- sperially speaking, ws for th: it place, and let the — } i Pa henconed his burning edn saad But if Vesvius, alias Vesevus, alias Vesuvius, has any feeling in his inwards he will be ay for the present. We suspect the old rebel does not like goo sovereigns : first break-out was under Titus, the Delight of Mankind, and his | last is under VictoR-EMMANUEL, who may not be perfect but is far and away the best king Italy has had for many a j}century. We fear the Mountain has the revolutionary tendencies of its French namesake. SAVING THE OCTOROON. Upon the couch she lies so pale— *Tis but a graceful swoon ; What? Poison ?—nay—’tis sure a tale, He’|l never thus our hearts assail, And kill the Octoroon ! Say, Bovuctcavtr, that she survives ! Grant us this public boon ; If cats ate blessed with nine-fold lives, Give two to her, this pearl of wives, Don’t kill the Octoroon ! There still is time: that negress might -- __ By the uncertain moon, A phial give, which though to sight _ The same, would op’rate different quite, Nor kill the Octoroon ? MeClosky fall’n by Indian blow, (Or to fall very soon) Cannot appear to bid her g9, Then why that fact not let her know, 'y And save the Octoroon. , True Peyton has another flame, Is somewhat of a spoon ; But give him up, Miss What’s-your-name, You must admit ’twould be a shame To kill the Octoroon, So say I, and the public voice Sings to the self-same tune, It’s not as if you had no choice— _ Why break the hearts you can rejoice ? Why kill the Octoroon ? Don’t tell us that the thing must be, You’re far too ’cute a ’coon; To be so reg’lar up a tree, ou can’t find a catastrophe That saves the Octoroon, Of law supreme, fate, and such rot, Preach on from this to June ; I say—necessity or not— Poor Zoe must not go to pot— Don’t kill the Octoroon / What if your logic comes to grief, When thus your play you prune ? I still insist on the relief, Both to my nerves and handkerchief— Don’t kill the Octoroon / Untruth to manners I’Il admit, Though clear as sun at noon; ** Anything else we’ll stand or sit, But this,” cry boxes, gallery, pit, “ Don’t kill the Octoroon.” The author heard ; he rubbed his chin ; “They ’ll call me a poltroon. But, if her death the houses thin, Perhaps ’tis time I should begin To save the Octoroon. * Tragic necessity, good-bye— And manners change your tune ; The public voice I'll ratify— My pretty Zoe shall not die— rll save the Octoroon,” Tis said ; *tis done; and now the play Goes blithe as songs of June : Miss What’s-her-name’s put out 0’ way, Zoe weds George. Hip! hip! Hooray! We’ve saved the Octoroon /

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fect ny & 4 Decemser 21, 1861.} _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 263 and Raisins.” ‘* Hal ds und Mum, they did! They'd Counted ’em, they ‘ad /” THE NEW PAGE HONESTLY ACCOUNTS FOR HIS HONESTY. nd J am glad to perceive, Dixy, that you are a good boy, and do not make free with the Almonds the green th, are these touck truthful Raisi Mum? No, Mun, not if I knows its Why they caught me once, | | LOVE AND ARSENIC. © | Hil HT ] | | A Paryrep Indian and a Sparkling Flirt. ' | Companion pictures—both bent upon armed for conquest. Through tangled forests he pursues his enemy—in mazy dance she watches for her opportunity. Their aims are different—their means not widely so; for if he relies on his arrow tipped with bane, has she not equal faith in her | wreath with arsenious verd' ? | If ¢hat will kill an eagle on the cliff, will ¢his not charm a Captain in the Guards ? Burke was mistaken. Chivalry is not dead, but has ¢ her residence and yocation. The stout knight has doffed his burnished at » and pants not for glory but prize pigs. The ‘enchantress of May Fair, however, still exacts , that h suit and serviee which were charac- teristic of feudal times. The knight had his squire = Bra pee him to the battle-field— LE , d round as the moon—fought, fell, and with his failing vision proudly saw his ‘patron crowned with laurels. So the imperious eauty has her trusty flower-maker, who having stained the deadly leaves which render conquest certain, draws her last breath of poison-dust as Bewtrpa, the invincible, smiles on the captive kneeling at her feet. Di fie. ee" halt mane a ! no. , The grate in honour o squire, place’ an humble tablet to his memory. In like manner we read with feelings of serious satis- faction that a cenotaph is being raised at Drip- ping Well or Moonlight Glen, to commemorate the devotion of the flower-maker. The inscrip- tion and design are striking. In bas-relief is a sick girl, bending over a green wreath, and within es—— She died-—— For Constance, Love and Beauty. | THE AMERICAN EXHIBITION. Mr. Puncu has great pleasure in announcing, in the most officious | manner, that the directors of the International Exhibition have not for- gctten the possibility of the absence of Voluntary Contributions from | the Northern States of America. The subject been taken into = consideration, and — ions have been entered into with the rds of the Admiralty and the Commander-in-Chief, in order to the | adoption of means for supplying this deficiency, should it unfortunately occur. Without ente into details, (as the whole arrangement may be rendered unnecessary by the arrival of Mzssrs. Mason and SumpELL about the 28th December) Mr. Punch begs to say, that in the event of the Federals declining to send contributions to the Exhibition, thes now oe to such articles will be supplied through the exertions of gentlemen connected with our naval and se service, and that among the Involuntary Contributions from the North will be the following articles :— 1. The Falls of Niagara (American portion)—by the kind permission of the Canadian authorities, and to be returned a done with, 2. The American Eagle —The interesting animal will be provided with a aoa supply of its natural food, namely, Bunkum, to be obtained from the offices of the New York newspapers. 3. Several bottles of Haz? of Columbia. 4. Curious assortment of Stumps, on which patriotic oratory has been toe? ay for some years, with the happy consequences now before the world. }. 5. Several Platforms, forming a further portion of the Stump machinery. | 6. The White House—name of “ Lincotn ” on the brass-plate. 7. The coat in which Mr. James Gorpon Bennett, editor of the New York Herald, was whipped by E1zazax P. Growxy. | 8. The coat in which Mn James Gorpon Bennett, editor of the | New York Herald, was cowhided by Putweas X. Biazer. | 9. The coat in which Mr. James Gorpon Bennett, editor of the | New York Herald, was thrashed by Exevezer V. Wuorrie. ' 10. A collection of nineteen whips with which Mr. James Gorpon | Bennert, editor of the New York Herald, was at various times flogged by nineteen slandered citizens. 11. The boots with which Mr. James Gorpow Beynerr, editor of | the New York Herald, was kicked by Epammvonpas J. Burrer. 12. Six pairs of highlows, and five pairs of shoes, with which eleven other slandered citizens have at various times annotated the editorial boars of Mr. James Gorpon Benyett, editor of the New York eraid, 13. Remains of the brandy-smash in which Mn. Szwarp pledged himself to insult England on the earliest opportunity, and the piaaece from which his sixteen previous brandy-smashes had been imbi by that statesman. : 14. Flags of the Southern Confederacy, captured by the Armies of the North. (Promised conditionally only, in the event of such flags being discoverable.) 15. The Declaration of Ii .—To be reverently preserved, and returned to the North when a statesman, worthy to the place of Gzorcz WasurneTon, shall demand it. 16. Specimens of Jerusalem Snakes, Ringtailed Roarers, Regular | Opossums, and other curiosities of American natural history, | 17. 4 B’hoy.—It will be interesting to compare tas animal with his superior, but a member of the same genus, the Gorilla. _ : ‘ 18, Specimens of American Editorial Writings. (Disinfecting fluid will be found in the same case, and labelled “ Common Sense.”) 19. Seeret Treaty for the Partition of England between the Emperor or Russia, Mr. Sewarp, and the Kuve or Tae Cannreat Istanps. 4 * ee" Brigham Young, the latest ally of the North, and model of is io. 21. The original Book of Mormon, as about the only original work which America has produced since Knickerbocker’ s History. 22. Specimens of American Apes, and Naturalised Irishmen, stuffed. | A Safe Delivery and a Wise Deliverance from! War. Wiruin the last few weeks there has been a General Gaol Delivery in England. We should like to see the same thing take place in America, For instance, if the Washington Government would only open the door of the prison in which Messrs. Mason and Sipe. are confined, and set them free, what a fearful difficulty would be overcome! War may be said to hinge on the portal of that very prison- door. It is a kind of modern Temple of Janus, expressing Peace or War, either as it is opened, or . Let us hope that the friendshi of two such great nations as and America will never be buri in those odious “Tombs!” ,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. |DecemBer 21, 1861. A PERFECT CURE. Our Cappy. “*Stonishing to me there ain’t more Accidents along o' these ’ere Fountains. Always carry a Flask of Ola Tom or what not about yer, and yer can’t come to no harm.” THE MAIDEN ELECTION. A New Constituency may be ex- pow gl ay ~~ Bs first exercise of its pri $ an 4 Birkenhead + a ie it chose a respectable man, an not _be called the borough of Bro- kenhead. Nothing was broken at Mr. Larmo’s return, except some promises and the peace, and alto- gether the maiden election has off creditably. Now, Mr. AIRD must distinguish himself in rege py not be a King as we have a man from Scotland quite aa with a parody on “ O Loggie the Laird,” which we assure Mr. L. we had much rather not use. ; HM wll iii i WHAT A RHYME! Wuewn Yule logs are roasting, And Englishmen toasting, att univar- “ May excitable Italy Behave herself prettily, And luck to bold, Baron Rt- CASOLI.” Unlearned Pigs. _ A Screytiric agriculturist, dur- ing the Cattle Show; was met in the street, exhibiting an aspect of deep dejection. On_ bei asked what was the matter wit him, he replied that his pigs had been plucked, : A QUESTIONABLE READING. Tx following item of fashionable intelligence may t a doubt to - of our country readers, and others who are not duly aware who is who :— Ot eae Hore... —Arrivals: Mr. Taurtow Weep and Miss Weep, from It may be readily apprehended that the Weep family is as ancient as any that ever flourished on a landed estate, or in Spring Gardens, or any other aristocratic territory. The planta genista belonged to this family indeed—the PLantaceNneETs were originally Weeds. There is no difficulty in numbering the Wzxps among the flowers of fashion, and including them within the higher classes and orders. But when a certain fashionable peculiarity of speech is considered, the way in which many members of the aristocracy‘are accustomed to pronounce a certain consonant, some doubt will arise whether WzEp, in the above announce- ment, really means Wexp, or another surname. May not Epwarps’s waiter, it will be surmised, have booked the name of WEED as he heard it uttered, without taking the precaution to look and see how it was spelt on the trunks of the guests newly arrived? Had he made that inspec- tion, might he not have discovered that the initial letter of the name given him orally—by the footman perhaps—as with W, was really R? Why, no, rustic and uninformed friends. The WzEps, we believe, have grown among an Upper Ten Thousand that can at least | }9—9 pronounce their own names, Mr. Txurtow Wz2zp, in sort, is a Weed imported from America, of decidedly Northern produce. He is not a rank Yankee Weed, but, on the contrary, quite a mild one ; mild, however, as this WxEp is, he is not too mild for us to smoke him. Good Advice. Conums1a’s stars said to Columbia’s stripes, “Eleven of us out Secession wipes.” Columbia’s stripes said to Columbia’s stars, “To put ’em in don’t call on Mars : No Union’s possible, where he shows face, Our stripes he’ll double, not our stars replace.” JACK TRUNNION ON THE AMERICAN DIFFICULTY. “MY DEAR OLD PUNCH,—i ave jest cum ashore arfter a3 years crews and bin hovorhawlin 1 of them penny goose papers Wich reminds Me of a Die-all as i wunce bort.of a Jarman klockmaker in Humbug Wich had neither Mane-spring nor reglater.—Well in this 4sd. goose paper i sees a hartikl kaul’d the ‘ Merican Difficulty.’.. It may Be a merican but i beg ’spectfuly 2 say that there never wass sich a word In the Dick Shun hairy of a english Sailor as that Land luberly ski blue milk and water I a a and i d’woutly ope and bleeve has there never Will be wile hold Ingland as got A shot in Her locker. and i beg hallso spectfuly 2 say That iff the penny. goose editer Who m old arnt betsey (bless Her iis) woodnt ave aloud 2 Wipe Her specktakels shows his Face Aboord of H. M. S. ‘Flip’ me and mi mates ave Sworn on hour baccy Box’s, that We’ll Shave im as we old It harnt rite nor prop- per that A indiwidyal Should show sich airs wen he sees the Beerd of the british Lyon pull’d by a tarnashun yanky and kauls It a Dificulty ! “Jack Trunnion, a. B. “H. M.S. Flip.” “'N.B. if captin winkles and is Merry men will Honor H. M. S. ‘Flip’ With a wiset we shall Feel no Dificulty in Din our lit’] acount with him. But i don’t ann tis a pate he wil axept This hinwitashnm seein that the hods in - Favor so far has numbers goes Wood be we a The Fate of Peacemakers in America. Were Pease in Yankeeland, is he aware How he would, probably, be treated there ? _ His plans.and preachments as peacemaker foiled, __ PEASE would be tarred and feather’d—nay p’raps Joi?'d. TWO GOOD REASONS. Tae ever-green Patmerston, of Dover, has challenged the Indian Dexrroor to a foot-race. The Indian shirks the challenge : first, because he is afraid of being beaten by the light-hearted and active Premier ; and secondly, because Deerroor is very fond of money, and if he won, would be outrunning the Constable. rope ae He Ree ST vce RM ee SE i aS a ’ J by Sarvap

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PREP aT Oey Sea 7 I. im = n, DecemBer 28, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 255 SS Sok MR. PUNCH’S APOLOGY. Magna culpa nostra! Cox is in for Finsbury! We did it—it was our fault, and we frankly and hum- bly confess it. We neglected our duty. We stopped Cox last time, shut him out, shut him up, and could have done so this time with a single paragraph. And we didn’t write that paragraph. We admit our /aches, we avow our guilt. But be not hard upon us. Everybody must look a little after his own interests in these days, and—come the truth must be told—we wanted Cox. We wanted him in Parlia- ment. SrprHorr is gone, an WitttaMs has turned sensible, and ScuLty is such very small game. We wanted Cox, and there is an end of the matter. Please, generous and kind world, please to forgive us that we let him in for Finsbury. We'll make it up to you one way or another. The great APuLEIUS himself had a similar need, and see — cleverly he treated the sub- ject. Come, it is Christmas time, and we must insist on being forgiven. You don’t know what fun there is in Cox? Come, shake hands, and absolve us. That is right, hooray, | let’s liquor! The Best Christmas Box. TuE Despatch-Box, which is ex- pe to arrive from America a ittle after Christmas, will turn out to be without comparison the very best Christmas Box this year, if it is found to contain an honourabie submission to England’s demands, and a hearty profession of peace and good as becoming the season, from JONATHAN towards his old friend Jonn But. ‘A SORRY CHRISTMAS. I come again—your hoary King! My crown of ivy green and beaded holly,— My wonted crown—behold I bring, My wonted Christmas-Carol sing, Wooing to joy e’en blackest melancholy ; I lift my wassail-cup With spiced drink mantling up— But ah, my crown looks sere, My Carols grate upon the ear, My wassail-healths sound wantonness and folly. A blight lies on the iron earth, A dark cloud hides the lowering heaven : *Tis not the thought of winter-dearth, Huddled beside a fireless hearth, Hushing its thin brood till the bread is given : To woes and wants like these I can bring ready ease, With good-will and good-cheer Can warm and raise the dying year, But this is gloom not all my mirth can leaven. ** PEACE UPON EARTH, GOOD WILL TO MAN,” My charter who among you but remembers ? I that should bless, how shall I ban ? I that the fires of love should fan How shall I stir to flame hate’s smouldering embers ? How dye with deeper red The holly round my head, ge my — a , 'o war-cry, for my throat unmee How bid war’s horror wed with drear December’s ? “ PEACE UPON EARTH, GOOD WILL TO ALL,” And if good will to all, what to our brother ? Oh, may the lifted weapons fall, And Peace’s gentle Pierce through the trumpets that her pleading smother ? May better thoughts ensue, Wrong-doers wrongs undo, Till breaks the war-cloud dun, And bursts God’s blesséd winter sun, To show two hands, disarm’d, clasping each other. The Prussian Crown and Cushion. Tue Kreuz Zeitung reports a speech made the other day by the Kine oF Prussia, in which his Masesty said :—‘‘ My basis will, however, be the same, and will be inviolable. I have received my crown from the altar.” What has Kine Witiam’s receipt of his crown from the altar to do with the inviolability of his basis? What relation does his basis bear to his crown ? Is not the one the direct opposite to the other? If the Krve or Prussia puts his crown upon his basis, what, we should like to know, does he put his hat upon? Lincoln's Brag. Adapted from Macbeth, Lincoln, We’ve got three million. :. John Bull. Geese, villain ? Lincoln, Soldiers, Sir! AVE YOU SEEN BLONDIN? Well, we really don’t much care whether you have or not. The question of the day in which we feel most interest is—Have purchased Punch’s Almanack? and unless you can say ‘ Yes, Pussy,” we hereby authorise your wife to pull your whiskers well for you. VOL, XLI, DD

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decemprr 28, 1861. “IN STATU PUPILLARI.” sitin, tic young roll-call.” It ® is ( of youn know that the dear little creatures all answered to the “ roll-call.” matter of surprise to us to learn t ere isa special call for French aptain F——— vi- an_aristocra- t arding-school | in Paris, where a lady, accord- ing to public ad lost an eye, writes :— **T have the happi- ness to state that I found all the scholars perfectly sound of eye, and not one wanting at new,though searcely according to the usages of French gallantry, to speak of horses ; but it is nevertheiess _grati- fying to find that, after a diligent in- spection of a French seminary, an eye- witness could “covenant” every pupil sound; and it is, moreover, catiaabers to well aware that a bell is always vy at meal-times in large schools, but it isa hat t “rolls,” A REMINDER TO THE POPE. Dear Prvs, Tue Bashan Week being now over, and all the Fat Farmers who stuck in the bogs about Baker Street being remitted to theirmative mud, we are y to receive the Bulls Hoxuvess has promised for the Exhibition at Brompton. Come with them, if you like, for though only a gentle po iy, eng have shown that you know the use of the goad. me over Westminster Bridge, and don’t let the Cardinal Archbishop of Westminster do you into stopping at St. George’s in the way (you’ll see place, it is close to Bedlam), but drive on straight. We'll put up comfortably at the Mitre, the Kings and Keys, or where you like. Come along—you’ll not us nearly so black as we are painted by that humbug, ANTONELLI. You ra. popular here e e week, bes you Foci will be so in Rome. me. Bibimus papaliter, But, anyhow, send the Bulls. report, something Ever your Hoxrvzss’s ter Devoted Servan ladies, as St. Nicholas’s Day. |=] cH. one would of a team —==== N° VENT PEG REQUIRED by those who e Punch’s Almanacek, for so fine a t of wit is there in all its jokes that exposure to the air will never make them fiat, and no stopper is required to tt them from evaporating. Its contents are all well warranted to keep in any climate, and may be | safely recommended not merely for home use, but for expor- | tation. As they form a very strengthening and mental diet, no family or single person ought to be without them. We were Sreance TRANSFORMATION IN THE AMERICAN CABINET. —Lucoin is looking “ WHERE IS LORD STANLEY QUARTERED, DO YOU KNOW ? ”?—Rzickara uz. SUGGESTED BY RECENT DISCUSSIONS, AND VERY SLIGHTLY ALTERED PROM MR. WILLIAM COWPER, OF OLNEY. Between Noes and Ayes a strange contest arose, Lorp Stanzey had set them unhappily wrong ; The point in dispute was, as all the world knows, To which that young nobleman ought to belong. The Press was the lawyer, and argued the cause With a great deal of skill and elaborate learning, While Chief Baron Puwcu sat to balance the laws, So famed for his talent in nicely discerning. “ In behalf of the Noes it will quickly be clear, E And your Lordship,” he said, “ will undoubtedly find, That a Staniey must be a Conservative peer, And if radical, held to be out of his mind?” Then, holding a pedigree up to the Court, “Po doubt it were treating his eminent Dad ill. A son of Prince Ruvsrt, my Lord is, in short, A true Cavalier, in the senate or saddle.” Again, would ae ceria a ie su % “Tis a case that has happened, and may be again), If his father should trip he Goverment — He must surely have him for an aide-de-camp then? On the whole it appears, and my argument shows With a reasoning that won’t make your Lordship look grim, That Lorp Stanxey was certainly made for the Noes, And the Noes were as plainly intended for him. Then, shifting his side, as a lawyer knows how, He pleaded again in behalf of the Ayes, ™ That Lorp Stantey was not of the Past, but the Now, And for cant and conventional humbug too wise. Then his Judgeship decreed, in a grave solemn tone, Decisive and clear, without one If or But, That whenever the Noes set that nobleman on To speak Tory, Diskazia’s mouth should be shut. A Myvurs Bora.—What a deal of fuss has been made about the Education Minute. The discussion of the ments pro in this one minute appears to have uselessly occupicd a great & of time. A LOOSENESS IN A GOVERNMENT OFFICE. Ly the annual report of the Postmaster-General, issued two or three weeks ago, we read that— “The carelessness of the public in posting letters is best shown by the fact that no less tham 50,000 postage stamps were found loose in letter boxes and mail-bags.” It is very well to put the above down to the “carelessness of the public.” It may be owing to the carelessness of the Post-Office. A short time ago, the authorities of St. Martin’s-le-Grand were so sparing of their gum, that it was as difficult to find a stamp stick to its letters as one of Lonp MALMEsBURY’s ike deserters, they displayed a too willing alacrity in ——— away from their posts. Ad- mirably as the Post-Office is conducted in most of its branches, we must say that it was in the above respeet anything but what an actor would call “letter-perfect,” in its delivery. ose gain we should like to know was the treasure-trove of those 50,000 stamps? We conclude they became the perquisite of the Post-Office; so that they had an actual gain in a want of adhesiveness to their proper duties. They bene- fited by their “carelessness” to the extent of £208 6s. 8d. ;.and if these 50,000 stamps were sold again, and fell off again, as such a slippery erticle undoubtedly would, they would realise the same profit every time they repeated the transaction. It is not turning “an honest nny” to sell an article that will not fulfill the promise with which it nas been backed. The dodge may be ex ly clever, and may succeed in increasing the sale of stamps to a very extent, but we decidedly should prefer in such matters from Government a little less gumption and a little more gum. DISSENTRIFUGAL FORCE. “The general body of Protestant Dissenting Ministers of the three denomina- tions, met at the Congregational Library, Blomfield Street, to take into consider- ation the present relations of this country with the United States of America—REv. Proressork Hoppus, D.D., in the chair. Resolutions were unanimously adopted deprecating war with America.” You holy Horrvs, You shall not stop us, But what odd fish your friends must be ! They hate a Bishop, Yet send a wish up, For tyranny in every Sea. A Modern Greek Chorus. A Txiz¢Ram from Constantinople lately announced that :— “The Turkish lira has risen from 200 to 270 piastres.” Private letters afford us the additional a that all the Greek Lad stockjobbers at Galata were singing “ Lira la!

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the ‘eet sive ion ree ider- pted reek Dzcemnr 28, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. i 257 HIGH ART ON A LOW ROPE. | eRiLy the pleasure- seeking yak icis most strange inconsis- tent. To see the Octoroon pretend to die upon the is too much for its tender heart tear-filled eyes to witness: but to see M. Bronpr risk his life in grim reality. brings no sort of sickening qualm, or compassionating fear to it. At least, if it feel fright at all, the yery terror is attrac- tive; and the more danger there is, the more the public flocks to see it. Take away the chance of neck-breaking, and who would stir a ” , foot to see a man walk on a high rope? It is the peril that so the tender-hearted public. It is the chance of witnessing a real act of suicide that makes it flock in crowds, like Spaniards to a bull-fight: while it turns away its eyes in well-affected horror at the simulated death before the footlights of the Octoroon. igin’ To see M. Bronpry appear on his high rope, the Crystal Palace each day gathered about twenty thousand om: whereas a average of not above three thousand have been attracted lately to see him on his low rope, which latter, if judged gest by its acro merits, ought to prove by far the more attractive bition. As dane- ing, rightly practised, is more elegant than walking, so M. Buonpin’s tight-rope dancing is superior and more worth seeing than his tight-rope walking, albeit in this last there is the charming chance of seeing him fall off and break his neck. at a lower elevation, the former is by far the higher style of art: and by descending to within six or eight feet of the floor, M. Buonpry has much raised himself in Mr. Punch’s estimation. Let not people rashly think themselves quite qualified to answer the world-wide-posted question, “‘ Have you seen Blondin?” by the fact that they have seen him simply on the high rope. Buionpxry on the high rope and Bionprn on the low, are, except in never failing in what is undertaken, scarcely to be recognised as being the same performer. Bionpin eight feet Irom the ground performs such feats of skill and strength as at two hundred feet above it of course he would not dare to do. Using the rope either as a spring- 1, floor or sofa, as his fancy seems to take him, he hops, skips, dances, jumps, turns summersaults in sabots, in fetters, or on stilts, and over rows of lighted candles with- out whisking ever a wick out, hes flat upon his back as siiug as im a hammock, bounds up high into the air and swings his legs from side to side as though they were but tied to him, plays the fiddle or the drum now firm upon one leg as if a model for a statue, next jumping up an down as though in training for the Cure, appearing all the while as much at home and at his ease as if he had in fact been born upon the rope, and had lived all his life on it. Bionpry is in fact as much at ease upon the tight-rope as would a Gorilla be in doing the ¢rapéze, and there is a poetry of motion in his movements that one would scarce expect to see in so prosaic a performance as dancing on the tight- rope usually is. A hundred years ago the art of rope-dancing ranked higher among the arts and sciences than it happens to do now, and, being better petronieed, was doubtless better cultivated. Performers then, may be, d just the feats that Buonpin does: but they who are not cente- narians dly recollect a performer who has equalled him. Punch abstained from praising Buonpry for his skill on the high rope, for aged had no wish to tempt people to the chance of seeing suicide. ut now that Bionpry is performing without danger to neck, Punch would recommend all sight-seers forthwith to go and see him, Lz = a i GNine f meh LiL hh ELLA Ade p° YOU WANT LUXURIOUS WHISKERS? If so, go at once and purchase Punch’s Almanack: wherein, among ten thousand useful bits of information, you will meet with no directions how to make The hairs come leaping, maces ‘Will see : “ oer ply pong. -simply because Punch is very much too wise to waste his time in Writifig that erty, bece but deatens Gada read. a re ” MEN AND MONKEYS. Ir M. pv Cua be believed, and (in spite of Dz. Gray) we do not see why he should not, he must have | ved in queer society in Africa. And yet many of the brutes, both animal and human, that he foun himself among, bear no little resemblance to people who are found in far more civilised localities. For instance, the Fan cannibals eat up their relations whenever they have the chance; and this is certainly a custom not less common in than it is in Central andj Africa. We have all known uncle-hunters, who have done their best to worry those rich relatives to death, having bled them (through their bankers) as much as well was 3; while many a devourer of the substance of his aunt holds his head erect, and walks at large among us, as though cannibalism had ceased to be regarded as a crime. Again, take the Nshiego-Mbouyé, or large nest-building ape, which M. pu CHaiitv claims the merit of discovering. This monkey is a bald one, and, as the art of wig-making in a) d is unknown, he builds himself a nest or thatch to keep his head warm, and prevent the wind from whistling in his ears. And do not many men make nests, and know well how to feather them? The practice is as usual here as with the Nshiego-Mbouvés, and the industry and skill with which it is achieved are every whit as wonc with the men as with the monkeys. As anotuer very marked peculiarity of theirs, these are spoken of as being pretty often up a tree, in fact, as passing in that manner a full half of their existence. But this is not a habit special to the simious creation. Our poor friend Mn. | UPPE has for years been “up a tree,” to quote his own confession; and the chances are, we think from our knowledge of his character, that he will end his days in that uncomfortable position. es 7 ; Thus we find in Central England and in civilised society procianl the same habits and eccentric ways of living as those which have been noted in the wilds of Central Africa, In fact, the customs of Gorilla Land pas esis thereto adjacent, although in haste we call them savage, brutal, inhuman, not merely have existence, but are actually ap- ded, when pursued in our (so called) more civilised community. think it a neat dodge to live on one’s , and when a rich man dies the first thing his friends ask is—how will he “cut up?” Instances occur almost daily here among us of —— being hunted down and eaten up by fellow men, who pursue with cruel mess all the helpless victims who may chance to cross their path. d, much as we may } of our superior in nce, customs the most canni- balic prevail still in this country: many who are looked upon as Educated Englishmen, behave themselves in no way better than Gorillas, Wl an — (iy \ | | OPT Ail THT lint] \ ye) \ me ‘Wey “2 Say wd " WANT | i | je ies i Mt | rt sia mig ty - Ss Mt | ut ep: one a’ i= Ng ys / : ‘4 | | WY } fy i \ Fr ou B r it' We F; li «lh ii! ie hy — Aaratap TaiLor (to foreign-looking gentleman),“‘Y-you’re rather U-long in the arm, S-sir, b-b-but I’ d-d-do my b-b-best to fit you/” WRITING ON THE WALL OF CONGRESS. TneEm as dares to misbehave, Ven they ’re whopped, ‘ll have to “cave.” Dp? YoU BRUISE YoUR OATS YET, AND HAVE YOU CUT YOUR CORNS? If you think these questions impudent, we don’t want you to atiswer them. But be ‘sure at any rate to purchase KELiy’s Post-Ofice Directory, or else be prepared to answer for your negligence. Ha! Ha! Sold you, Mr. Reaper.

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— = Sars a S i te is S PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARITVARI. [DecemBrr 28, 1861. AGM AQ % 1 S| \ SN seem me ee UNEXPECTED BLISS. Swell (dressing). ‘‘ Hurran!! By Jove, THERE’s A BUTTON AT THE BACK OF my Surat!!!” CALUMNY ON CRACK CORPS. Tue feelings of every man who wishes to respect his species, and is accustomed to ride in London omnibuses, must often have been outraged by a certain coloured int which is stuck up inside most of thos. vehicles on the part facing the door. his picture re its two beings of opposite sexes, fashionably attired, the hair and whiskers of the man half erey, half black, and the tresses of the other black on one side and red on the other. Both the gent and his counter-part are represented with‘a countenance in which a ridiculous ruefulness combines with a disgusting love of approbation. ‘The title of this work of art, printed in large type, is “ No more Gray Hair;” and the two snobs, male and female, whose: portraits illustrate that inscription, are supposed to have resorted to staining their hair, and to have allowed their likenesses to be taken when that process was half done, in order to exhibit the contrast between its results on the one side, and the state of nature on the other. They look very much as if they had been paid to sit, and felt rather ashamed of themselves in so doing. What then will be the sentiments with which the elect of the British Army will read the following, picked out of a column of other advertisements of cosmetics >— AUNDERS’ GUARDS’ HAIR DYE is:the cheapest and best ; has no smell, and br perfectly harmless, and instantly changes red or grey hair to the most natural brown or The Guards’ Hair Dye! What next? The Guards’ Kalydor, perhaps, or the Guards’ Milk of Roses, or the Guards’ Enamel. In the meantime an officer of the Coldstream—or Col —will have to do omnibus-duty pictorially for the wretch who now figures as the exemplification of ‘No more Gray Hair.” The print which is now simply disgusting will become libellous when it exhibits an officer and a gentleman cing himself by colouring his hair. We know well that our gallant Guardsmen have no notion of dying, unless either from natural causes, or for their country, and their Punch. _ A Friar Tuck ror Jonatnan.—If the Yankees invade Canada, they will get into a scrape with the Governor, Lorp Moncx.. This Moncx, we hope, will show them that he belongs to one of the Flagellant orders by giving them a sound whipping. THE TWO MESSENGERS. COLUMBIA, I HAVE a message must cross the sea, But I doubt what message it shall be: And be it Peace, or be it War, A fitting post I would choose therefor. ' So say, you bonny birds of mine, Around which neck shall I tie the twine ? THE EAGLE, Round mine, round mine, my mistress sweet, My wings are broad and my flight is fleet : And I have a beak to rend the prey, And talons for all my course would stay : And I can swoop over land and sea— Then “ War,” and your message send by me / THE DOVE. Round mine, O mistress sweet, round mine : I’m swift as arrow, and true as line: Nor talons sharp, nor beak have I But a soft sweet voice and a pleading eye; And none will harm me, on land or sea— Then “‘ Peace,” and send your message by me. THE EAGLE. The Lion stands in act to spring, Her glove Britaxnt lifts to fling: A haughty claim asks haught reply. He half has conquered, who dares defy : With the Lion the Eagle should parly hold— Then give me the message, brief and bold. THE DOVE. The dugs of the Lioness suckled thee, When first thou camest over sea. Better I ween than BritaNnn1a’s glove, Is the hand of Brirannra, clasped in love. *Twixt Dove and Lion calm speech may be-— Then the message of Peace send thou by me ! THE EAGLE. Thou hast boasted and blustered and talked of fight, Hast set a bold face in lieu of right : If breath thou bate; or back thou draw, Or instead of battle offer law, Oh, scornful the Lion’s laugh will be— Then the message of War send thou by me! THE DOVE. If thou hast boasted, boast no more: f war thou hast challenged, repent it sore : The devil’s wickedest whisper to man Is, “ Let wrong end, since wrong began.” Oh, glad the Lion’s great heart will be, lf a message of Peace thou send by me. And still in doubt doth Corumst1a stand, A bird and an answer on either hand ; For War,—the Eagle with eyes a-glow ; For Peace,—the Dove, with her plumes of snow. But Peace or War should the message be, *T will find them ready across the sea. Conspicuous by its Absence. THe American organ, the Morning Star, alone of all the London journals, appeared on the sixteenth without the signs of respect usual when a national affliction occurs. It was subsequently shamed into a shambling kind of apology. But why not have told the truth ; namely, that it had been so industriously smearing the English flag, and cleaning Mr. Sewarn’s dirty shoes, that it had no blacking to spare for decorous observances ? RAmWay TRAVELLERS! INSURE YOURSELVES a lot of hearty laughs by buying Punch's Almanack. The best travelling companion ever yet pr d. blue devils and black that often sits behind the engine-driver as well as the stage coachman. Makes the longest journey short, and enables one to undergo a travel even by the tern Counties Railway without losing one’s temper.

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61. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemser 28, 1861. fight, SSS een SS HY j 4 y J 4 COLUMBIA’S FIX. Cotumerm. “WHICH ANSWER SHALL I SEND?”

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AspicaTion of the Queen of Song (The), 35 Abolition of the = r Duty, 2 12 » —— = Body involves Absence of ated an Association of Ideas, 180 Absurdity in the Law (An), 7 Advertisin; Advice to 22 American Exhil ee on English Newspa- American eg Merchants, 287 Ancient and Modern Quacks, 110 Anecdotes Appl i anit eh (Am) 152 es ” my ewes ree) ek Arithmeticamongst the Advertisements, 56 — Hamlet's Advice to the Parsons, Black and White, 26 Blondin over > Fountains, 114 Bock Again ! 4 Bombina the Bold, 9 Bosh from the Baltics =. Bourbon emery (Tae), 32 Boys Playing at Bloodshed, 106 Brave Klavere ad Goong 101 nd Reform (21 (4), 8 , 162 vertisements ar Cc Relief Act (A), 174 Ohara Deena has Club-Man’s Grievance (A), 22 Comfort for Cumming, 181 iif y al HID \ { Commercial Slang, a Complaint of Christo mor Big CE (The), 85 Conspicuous by its Absence, 258 Iness of Dr. Cullen (The), 91 Copies for Physicians, 223 Cowper's Canon of Taste, 24 Cricketer’s Loss and Gain (The), 73 Criminal Ccppaitiontion, 186 Crinoline for Counsel, 161 Crowner’s Quest Queries, 109 Cruel Joke (A), 11 Culinary Wonder Wanted (A), 228 Curious Mixture (A), 160 Curious Persons to Meet, 206 Dame Durden on the Belgravian Diffi- culty, 11 | Daring Act of Perambulatorship, 150 Daughters to Sell, 4 Debt ro the Departed Brave, 223 | Delicacy and Generosity Charmingly | Combined, 119 Delicate Inquiry Office (A), 51 — ofan Agricultural Meeting, | Difficulties for Dr. Cumming, 216 | Dinner for a Duke (A), 227 Dish of Lava (A), 252 | Dissen' Force, 256 Dixit, et in Mensam—, 80 Doleful Ballade of young Bill of Bank- ruptcie (The), 8 Domestic Calamity (A), 164 Don’t Run for Guld, 29 Down with your Star-Dust! 11 Dr. Pusey on the Turf, 84 Dramatic Martyrdom, 39 EaTaBLe Bouquets, 8 Effervescenve in the Streets, 124 Egg and the Yoke (The), 99 Encourage Native Talent, 181 Evlarging the Area of a Policeman’s Duties, 246 Euthanasia According to Law, 89 Exercise before Dinuer, 31 Exotic Slang, 155 Extensive Seizure of Tobacco (An), 185 Extract from Mr. Punch’s Diary, 156 Extravagance in Cupid’s Garden, 20 Farrarut Spirit, &., (A), 159 at of the noes (The), 158 144 Fashionable come (A), '29 Fashion for the Fireside, 206 Fashions for November, 199 Feast of St. Sepulcbre, 121 Fellow for Fins’ (The), 246 Few Scratches on Paper (A), 2 Fine Fall in October (A), 125 Finery in the Kitchen, 65 Finsbury Voter’s Lament (A), 244 Fire-Eater Feeding Himself, 227 Flat Contradiction (A), +. Fleeting Fashion (The), Flower- Bespangled ert Coe, 214 Forewarned is Disarmed, 2 Fortune of Drill (The), 171 Forty Millions of Deficit ! 211 Four Inscriptions for a Monument, 71 Free and Easy Friiulein, 179 | French Diplomacy in Plain English, 9 ai ! ih y t\ | 1 We aly i | Ny ATM Friends at the Swan, 1 From our Sensitive beretbuter, lll Fun at East Brent, 122 GaLsque Charge upon the Enemy's Van, 216 Game of age pow Soak the .“s (The), 71 Garibaldi’s H Gems from the wie “isle, 100 —— of the Russian Forces he), Genuine Art of ing (The), 90 German Fleet (The), 126, 156 German . 186° German Naval Intelligence, 172 Ghosts with a Grievance, 102 Glorious Galaxy of Talent, 165 Glorious Triumph in the City, 146 God-Speed to the Canada-Bound (A), 248 | Golden Sands in Time’s Hour Glass, 130 Good Advice, 254 | Good News for tae Navy, 236 Good News from Austria, 237 Good Ship Europe's Rotten Cable (The), 22 Good Sort of Fellow (A), 142 Gorillas of the Press (The), 42 | Goyon and De Mérode, 61 Grand Dress Rehearsal “gs 190 | Gray’s Elegy Great Belipse (The), Greatest Lite! N No ever theapa, 169 Great Time for oom ty Green Go the Lasses, O! 141 Gross Case of Dog Creatine (A), 96 Gross Equivocation, 151 Guards’ Monument (The), 40 HapssurGH's Greatness in Venics, 149 Harvest at Whoam and Abroad, 121 Health of a me 199 Heavy F. A ~ turnips, 115 je! 1 Art Ww Fond 257 High Church and wt aoe 246 pomae vag the Olergy (A. orrid Murder of A abn 171 Hore Veal, 10 House . 3 ee on Art (The), 44 How Three Fishers went Salerivg, 79 How to Punish Soldiers, 164 How to Teach Religi How we "ll Break Hurrah fora Principle, 54 IaworaMus on the Income-Tax (An), 129 Important to to Bt La Tocident ine Country Tov iat I ina tambon, 169 ‘own (An), 51 tnfaibty in in Brror, 180 Infirmaries for Eanes 1 nhospitality to Punc 0: “In Statu Pupillari,” 256 In the name of Conscience, 4 Irish Bull from France (An), 123 Irish Yahoos (The), 245 Italian Theatricals, 106 Jack Trunnion on the American Diffi- culty, 254 John right, 243 John Russell, Eart Ludlow, 36 Journey in Bearch of » Palr of Gloves (A), t, 233 Lecture on Le Tambour Majeur of Europe, 131 ti Mooncalf (A Ma: ees 2 Geticn eet dhe Collaboration, 61 ie Difference of ” dee,, 174 uM Bladin's Medal for the Museum ary 69 (A), Memorandum = manage, 238 Men aod Men and 7 Meteors for the 75 Mili Intelligence, 237 ailitary Murder and Suicide, 221 Mine Ae an’ 92 M M 204 odel Miscellany (A), 169 reece of x Qoanen OL MPs Be P.’s Guan (AT Mr. John SSE. xr Surg wien, pe pny ey fs Sot ow t N + Distress Meeting, 140 New Stand-Point of Geography (A), 189

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a eee 262 INDEX. [Decempgr 28, 1861. an why Mergen (The), 154 Sensible Fashion (A), 149 Very fine Frenzy (A), 199 Candour, 8: “a pd (A), 19 Serenade by M Policeman, 81 Vicious Court Circular (A), 165 Carte de Visite eo Geel, 218 No Joke 76 Servants and their Schooling, 55 Voice from Washington (A), 236 Charles and his zo ete, 12 No Reform of the Income-Tax, 120 Severe, if not Savage, 134 Warttnc for an Answer, 238 Cheerful 8: Not a Bad Bull, 244 Severe Trialof Temper in Hot Weather, 89 | Wanted a Confirmed a Bad Commission, 71 Sheffield’s Political J. ° Jn. Cente Oak 83 ot Exactly Rosewater, 9 Short (A), 98 Warning to Servant M 4), 134 ‘Correct ‘Card’ of the Regatta, Sir?” Notice for a General Mourning, 162 Short Way Secularists (A), 62 War-Song for the Witlers, 20 118 Notice to the North, a. S We Hate Bragging, 282 Cruel, 4 Not the them, 125 of a Hair between — Punch on Allmyeyeopa- = At it by aye ? re 152 oe at the Shoreditch Station, you do, Crow pak our F a aaeeaie tothe Bun 49 Where is Lord Stanley Quartered ? 256 Dabbling, 76 ot the Waves, 195 ¢ Will you Buy me Then as Now? 202 i Case of ‘‘ Kleptomania,” ma tee (A) Woman! 74 190 reas aes (An Social Scientific Question o 106 Woman never Grows old, 184 Diversions of Drill, 74 )» Soldiers of the Cross = to the Marquis of N ormanby (A),| Doctor and Irascible Patient, 43 Minds, 181 /|& ae Doocid Aristocrat (A), 222 Orleans Boy (The), 182 § like Manners, r ad Word with the Volunteers (A), 101 “Do you Know — a Lie is?” 143 + a 83,45, &e. | Song of the Talkative Member (The 70 | Would-be Auto da Fé (A), 169 Encouragement, 24 Tronsides, 202 Song of the a Son Zone on St. Swithun’s Day, 25 End of the Session, “02 Our Musical Police, 19, i Sop to Cerberus + rately Fair Equestrian and Punch, 23 Our Roving ( 89, 49, &c. ieee thehos ot tham RGE ENGRAVINGS Foryad Po wee 286 Sparrow Market 8 ton (A LARG NGRA — ‘or-rad—For-rad— Away Our jt a 190 pee (4) “Friend in Need,” &c., 198 P. Precamur, 215 Spenten Discipline at Woolwich, 205 Asove that Sort of Ties. 47 Great Western, 3 a.om., 246 Painting the Lily, 165 Specimen of an Austrian Telegram, 145 Czesar et Imperator, 27 Gross Outrage, 30 Pam u) the 83 Specimen of . Clerica! Elocution Lesson, 137 Groundless Alarm, J Papal Spendthrift t to his Senses, 204 Columbia's Fix, 259 Ground Swell (A), 1 Parallel Feat of Arms, 83 Spiritual Boxiana, 143 Cover Side at Compitgne (The), 167 Hint to Architects rd the Present Day Parallels of Crime, 1 Spiritual , 59 “Doth not a Meeting like this make (A), 42 Parisian Mass Market (The), $3 Splendid News from Washington, 96 Amends,” 87 — Ancient Britons, 215 Patent Potatoes, 163 Spinster’s R he), 129 Family Quarrel (A), 1 Humility, 183 Patience and ated Doperlcotty, Sport for Di Genu-ine Othello tne). 187 I'll ‘ail the First "Earse for you, Pedalian v. Mental , 237 Sports and I ofthe Americans, 130 German Fleet (The), 157 Mum,” 132 ane 191 Staggerers f the Gross Case of Dog-Stealing at Sheffield,| ‘‘ It’s onl o Galop, Uncle!” 170 Performer the Public (The), 45 Starry Chain of Magic (A), 216 97 Lady on , 140 at Rome, 251 | State of the Holy See How they Went to Take Canada, 67 Last Day at the Sea-Side (The), 146 Piece of (A) 211 Statistics for the Nursery, 194 King Cotton Bound, 177 Last Sweet Thing in Head-dresses, 182 Piper worth (A), 60 St. Disraeli to the pre Last Act of the Italian Drama(The),117| ‘‘ Like to see the Morning Paper, Sir?” Pity for Poor 8m 1115 Steam Wanted at the Admiralty, 72 Latest Improvement in Paris (The), 209 182 I Sn bho for Summer, - Likely Story (A), 249 London Preventive Service Man, 124 Plaint of the Men, 215 226 Look Out For Squails, 229 Mail Train (The), 52 Wi Plain le, 161 St. "s Sculpture-Gallery, 19 Lord Mare’s Nest (A), 57 Major, Aldershot Returning from Pa- Plan for Relieving the Bishops, 193 Savages, 154 Naughty Jonathan, 5 ie, 82 at Cards, 175 Sweet Thing in Bonnets (A), 175 Notice to Quit, 107 Most Flattering, 186 Should their Letters, 23 | TaLEs of my Over the Way, 197 = Sg O'Rilla, the young Ireland Party, Poet Close again, 112 ae a Last, 74 Penance in a Balance Sheet! 219 Poet Close to Premier (A), 44 Terrific Explosion at the Brompton Boil- Real Italian Brigand Chief (The), 77 Me Peewit and c~ secaine 133 Pointing a Cannon witha M ers, 189 Retiring into Private Life, 37 Nature will Out, 23. Testimonial to the Swan of Southampton, Thames and his Tri butary, 147 New Photographic Rains ing Glass, 204 ’s Progress 41 Waiting for an Answer, 239 New ~~ Accounts for his Honesty Pope's British Government (The), 247 That's the Way the Money goes, 130 Ways and Means, 16 and 17 (The), 25: m in and in They —— these things better in Wilful Boy (The), 208 ay Game _ re hg More (A), 66 France, 242 “* None o’ your 8, Prozedence of Mayors, 120 “ This is no Mine Ain House,” 173 No Pleasing some po og 232 Fressiyess, 188 Three Bows to a Strip ng. 121 SMALL ENGRAVINGS :— Nurse and Young Hopeful, 134 State of London (The), 91 Titular Refinements, 282 Old Sentleman and Conductor, 216 y Poison-Wrea' To Pot and yah = Axove Bridge Boot Aground, 58 Old Girl and Hairdresser, 130 Prince at the Bar (The), 183 Trifle from the C. C. C. (A), 101 Accommodating ! Old Lady and Mary, 213 Princes in the Temple (The), 189 Trip of Electric h, 10 After veomene Mbned Admission, 96 Old Party and Fast Etonian, 123 Prize Wants, 216 Triple Hatful of (A), 151 “‘An Illigynt Cotch, yer Honourr!” One Night from Home, Professor Owen = Relics, oo — of oe ), 172 oo ‘an of Rank in town (ak 4 Professor Oxford, Truly uisance (A), 165 Artist’s Bride (The), ler we hope to see Issu D Protection copent Eatin, 357 Two M », Bad Cage of Throwrg | Stones (A), 284 Our Artist was on the aie Protestant Spooner on . 42 Two Voices ), 29 Booking a Customer, 248 Our Splendid Review, 50 Prussian wn and Cushion, ULTRAMONTANE Art Treasures, 224 Brown and Tomkins Preparing for| Painful and Humiliating Contrast, 163 Puffs for the Police, 136 “* Under which , Bezonian,” 142 Scottish Mountain Heights, 56 Paradox (A), 180 Punch on the = On trees Noir,” Cabby and Captain, 200 Passenger and Porter, 104 ee Essence of t, 1, 18, 23, | Usual Ingratitude of the World (The), 30 | Cabby and Stout Lady, 21 a with Air Balloons for the 3, Punch’s ‘‘ Mother's Catechism,” Perfect Cure (A Punch’s Lozenges, 153 Perfect Cure (The), 173 Punish the 95 Photograph ), 82 Puny Whipsters of Women, 21 Pleasant W Place (A), 122 ESTIONABLE Reading (A), 254 Polite Attention, 136 ( full of Children (A), 151 Practice makes Perfect, 192 way Tariff(A), 116 Pretty State of Things (A), 176 tather down in the Mouth, 115 Real joyment, 106 Monuments, 56 Recipe to Destroy Moths, 100 teal “ Smack on thé Kieser” (A), 224 Relaxation, 156 suet fee Result of the Cattle Show, 252 Regimental Assassius, 144 Rights of — (The), 73 Reminder to the Pope (A), 256 Ruse (A), 11 Repentance Rather too Late, 158 Sarcasti Dealer and Cabby, 46 leepect Pald to Property (The), 165 eet Gomenercial B ms eina mm “rom Return to Town, Scene in an Insurance Offi as Eea tee Scene in a Rail ray Onsvinge (A), 158 Bite Races (Sha) 98 Soene in the Wilds of Suffolk, 80 Right Man in the Place (The), 55 co Drawback (A), 10 Right Tap and the bray S Cy 24 Sharp Little a Rivals in the Walk (The), 173 Sketching on Stil Rod in Pickle (A), 61 Sketch on the Brig’ ton Coast ( (A), 36 Roman Brigand to his Reese 76 Student Studying at the Sea-Side, 92 Rowland for an Oliver (An), ion (A), 8 Swell and the Ha’pence, 20 Tit-Bit (A), 86 “Too True!” 144 Trying to get Forty Winks, 41 Unex 258 Unlikely Occurrence (An), 225 Waggoner and Young jon og 70 = our Volunteers ought Not to Do, «What's the Fare, nae 84 Wit ata Disadvantage, 162 Yachting Man in a Gale, 110

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