Punch 1861: Vol 40

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— ve Y : : ; Ye WANN ge ot Fe, Ani Aan MeAnvbeltian iO Varna Whe “— IER NWR Vv XK { Q Le LONDON: | PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. 1861.

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LONDON . DRURY AND EVANS, PRINTERS, WHITEFRUARS.

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lili Hi i Hl ih! ‘Ul | E222 Ty Zs LE La WN | 27 a Ma ee 2 Za i Per SQ 7 Wd ita « Big yeeng oii our walnuts and sipping our claret,” as the present Leader of Hern Maszstry’s Opposition is said to have begun the first leading article in the first number of the “ Representative ” newspaper (only for “ cracking” and “ walnuts,” read “smashing’’ and “strawberries”), We, Punon the First and Last, were pondering over our own virtues, and many other less palpable things, when Tony, frightened for: the only time in his life, dashed frantically into the presence-chamber, and got under a chair. “ Why this excitement, dog of our soul?” demanded Mr. Puncn. Tosy signified in canine Latin, a trifle purer than that which it is thought certain hierarchs of the Saarrzssury creation would indite, if hurried, that a dreadful Deputation was coming up. _ “Quid immerentes. hospites vexas, canis?” said his master. “Thou hast seen Deputations before—wild Sab- batarians, loud Irishry, maddened Spanish bond-holders, frantic Bank-victims, rabid Chartists—what is this strange Terror that has come upon thee? Speak, dog!” “ Gorillus, gorilla, gorillum,’”’ stammered Tosy, in the excess of his fright. And truly, as the animal spoke, the door opened widely, and a group of Gorillas entered. Entered noisily, and with some of the effrontery which belongs to the simious race both in Europe and Africa. But not more speedily was the clownish Crmon awed, first, into reverence, and, next, into qualifying himself for Competitive Examination, by the sight of the young beauty of IpuieEn1a, than were these African travellers astounded, and educated into the proprieties, by The Presence. Foremost came their chief— ‘* The Fool of Nature stood with stupid eyes, And gaping mouth that testified surprise, Long mute he stood, then, turning to his staff, His wonder witnessed with an idiot laugh. Then would have spoke, but by his glimmering sense First found his want of words, and feared offence.” The Great Teacher permitted the lesson to saturate the whole being of his guests, and gazed benignly while they toned themselves down to a becoming modesty and stillness. Then, taking pity on their dnak inarticulate helplessness, and remembering that, like the wise QuzzN ExizaBeru, he knew the language of every Ambassador that approached the throne, he said, affably,— ; “ Bob choddery hairyopagus snick bungjungle hippocampo mi chowder gum benjamin ?” Tears came into the eyes of the poor Gorillas as they heard their native tongue, spoken with sweetness and purity. “ Slabbito gastly nebuchadnezzar ’’—began the spokesman, but his feelings overpowered him, and he broke down under the weight of emotion. “Take your time,” said Mr. Punon, still speaking in the Gorilla tongue. He, however, translates the rest of the dialogue, for all his readers are not Gorillas. “O, Mr. Puycu,” said the Gorilla Ambassador, “I come from Africa.”

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A OD ET PREFACE. [June 29, 1861. “T have heard of that place,” said the Great Geographer, proudly. “It is one of the five quarters of the world.” “Your information is unexceptionable, Sir,” replied the Gorilla, rapidly civilising into polysyllables. “May I venture to hope that one who has bestowed so much study upon our poor country, will deign to add to our weight of gratitude, and grant the boon which I am come to implore?” “Name it; and in the meantime don’t scratch the carpet,” replied the Lord of a Million Monkeys, “Sir,” said the Gorilla, and a unanimous and confirmatory howl (echoed by a protestant growl from under the throne) proceeded from his suite, “ we are a great nation, we Gorillas, and we are not understood by travellers.” “T have heard that self-assertion from one or two other nationalities,” said Mz. Punon, smiling. “Tt is true, Sir, nevertheless. We are misrepresented.” “ Ah! and we, too, have a House of Commons,” sighed Mz. Punon. “ Travellers, Sir, do nob stay long enough with us to comprehend us.” “You are said to detain them with some little oo replied Mz, Poxon. “ O, Sir, such may be the practice among our canaille. not judge us by our inferior orders. Would you desire that England should be judged by the persons who pay ten shillings to see Buonp1y, or threepence to see a nd i? No traveller or missionary has yet been admitted to good Gorilla society.” “Ts it so very good ?” f tiewepe Mr. Puncs. “ Sir, I may say with pride that it is, We are very desirous to imitate our non-hirsute fellow-creatures. We have instituted exclusive castes, and no blue-tailed Gorilla grins to a low-born monkey with a brown tail. No Gorilla ever nurses her young monkeys. A Gorilla who has lost his store of cocoa-nuts is at once bitten to . We have certain trees which are considered fashionabla, and any Gorilla who does not live in them is regarded as a snob-monkey. The larger the hoard of nuts which a Gorilla can steal, the more he is honoured; but we have also much respect for the monkey who has torn many other monkeys to pieces in fighting; and a Gorilla of either class may take as mate thé prettiest young lady monkey he can find. When two of us quarrel they are set to fight, and the backers share with the umpire the nuts of the combatants. We never trouble ourselves about the low-class monkeys, unless they too troublesome, and then we them, to encourage the others. You see, Sir, that we are trying to do ous best for ourselves, and that we are not has been supposed.” '_ “Tam sorry to hear it,” said Mr. Punon, sternly. “I had thought better of you, from the statements of my friend Pavt pv Omartiv. What do you want from me?” : “We wish to be Recognised, Sir, at your Court. We wish you to send an Ambassador to us—if I dared to designate the honourable Tory ——” But a storm of growls from under the chair indicated the unwillingness of the proposed representative to accept office. “ And we desire to place a Gorilla in London, as our Envoy and Minister Plenipotentiary. He will be solitary, but——” “ Not so solitary as you imagine,” replied Mz. Puncu. “ Listen to me, ambitious but imperfect gentlemen. Can ou read ?” z “ Certainly, Sir,” exclaimed all the Gorillas. “Then take this Book. Go home to your forests, read, study, learn its lessons. It is the physic which I administer to the British variety of Gorilla, and it may be equally beneficial to you. Come back six months hence, and let me see how the medicine has worked. Begone, but take with you my | ; Forticth Volume. ee —st—(—Oeer

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1861. ete ft / Se jp oa 4 ZZ ttji£- —«, ~ _ TTT ET January xxxi D ys. 1 Tul Cireame-s. | 17 Th Franklin b. Sr. 7h4lm ||i65 F |B Leiria 2 W)|Sunr8hAm | 18 F | Prisca. | Pure Cand \i6|8 |C L7. diy, BThi Sa 4h Sm (198 | Conserved Seanges. 8.|/17 § | pene 4aF ot hemk 208 8. 6 4h. 58m |)1i)M | Luther d. 58 | Trans Day |/21 M | ful Agathe —_ ||) 9|"T'u| Copernic. & $§ Epi 22 Tu) Vincent W | Priestly 4.|\20)W | Bm ers k. 7 Ramey d-| 23 Th) {1604 21/Th| & p- BTulincien. | 94 Th| Fox b.1749 Hf..g.-Day |\22\F | (eusp. 1817 9 W] com. 1840/25 F | Coa.8. Paul [Q-Vie mar |23\8 | Reynolded. 10/1.) Penny Post |'968 | Brasil wise. wongu oe. 124) 18 in Lent ule WT Tome (87.6 |S-ptunas Shrove 8 |\25|M | [Muthias isis {tm L-T-h || ' t Te rove T4-|26)Tul T. Moore 4. 18.5 | 1 Saf.Kpip. | 29 "u|Sr. 7h 45m | | 13/W) Ash Wed. |27|W |S r. 6h.b2m 14% Oxe. LT. b. | 80) W |S a4h44m | | 14/10! Valentine |28/Th/S. « 6u87m 1) Tw {1809 | 81 Th) Hilary T.« \ 16 WB. Commun. March xxxi Days. April xxx Days. 1\F | St. David. | 47 s 5S in Lent Kanter Mon. | 16)Tu| 8. r. 5h Sm Ss 18 «hb 8 | Ps. Lou. b +) 3. & ShBGm || 17/W |S. 2 6h58m as 33.in Lent. |\19 Tu ‘St Patrick ) |S s. 6hBSm |/18/ Tb) [Hyron 4. 4 8.7. Gh4im) go W Spring y. & '} 8 Ambrose) 10)/F \A phege 5\Tul 8. « Shed 21 Th Benedi SS iS | [4 Heber b. 6.W | Oral. a F Ca T.e § | 3%. af. Baw 7TH) Perpecun fegS3 Ox. Le T. jaw Bund. | 92) Odesss bem + | Wm. Ld. 94 § Paim San. b./ 23/Tu St. George ~ | DCirke d. |g5 ML. D. Aon 24|W) [Alice b 10/5 | 4% 1 -« ig6 Te Dk. Com. b. Ba. |25/Th Mark Pre. JL | S.2. 6h@6m jie7 W 1819. o 26\F | (1737 12} T sl] os Grego, Qn Th 8.0. Sh47m 78 | Gidbon b 13, W] [ear. tuay ji29 F 1S | 48 at. Bas 14/Tb| Refm Bill |e 3_ | 8. « Gh3Om 20)M |S. r. 4hi88m 1S}® | Mussingr.@ (81 Baster Bel Tu| 8. 6. 7b1 9m 16)$ | Hgleau b. ad May xxxi Days. June xxx Days. UW! 8 Ph & Ja. |17 F | Talleyrd. a. Nicomede |/16 § |3 Su. af. Tr. | 27h [Pr Arthh [188 | Oxf ET « Lsuet. Tr. 17M |-t Alba \ ar ¥. 4h3im |19 § Whit Sun. Sr. 3450 |) 18 Tu) Bh. Watertoo 4)8_ |S. 7h86m go Ventecost To) So Bhi7m 19 W ear °s Rage. Sun [21 Tu) (Ox.T. 1.» 1 jitace «|| 80 Thi Qu Vie Ae 6\M ‘St Jobe |92 W| KmberWk.| | 6/Th| Calpee tho. |/2) F | Proclamat. 7'Tu B. Ceashew [23 ‘Th Rly F | Landshu 22 8 CET SW Ean. T « 24 F v B. Esiremos ||? 4 Su at. Tr 9Th, Ascen. Day |25 8 Brn Hel b. 2 Suaf. ‘Ir. ||24 M | Juo Mnptint oF ie ur. (96 s Trim. Sun. 8 + Bh45m ||? pales Dry iis them 4. |87'M | [Augustine u| Baroabas |j20 W |S &. Sh46m 12)§ | Sum. af. As. [28 Tu Sleusea Trin. T ¢.|/27 Th (18s8 13M | O May Duy [29 W] Sr. 3b53m Hasty» bha, |/28 F | Q Vict. Cr. 14°Tw| Hen. IV. d. |3u, Th] Corp. Chris. B. Marengo ||29 5 | Bt. Peter 15 W) Cuvier 31 F | 3.5 Bh 4m (1800 ||30 & | 6 Su.af-Tr. 16 th! HofAlbue. i July xxxi Days. August xxxi Days. ilu | se 7 t.4h 4m} | 1/Th Lemanas 17S | De Kent Q/T | Oxf Ac & Shervek dj | BF Sv. 427m Hin § 18 S.ef. Tr aiw (Com, |19|F | Petrare @. S 8.07! 19 [imo 4/1) S « Bhigar Margnret 8 1S at Ir Ro Te — SIF | Cam E Te. 8 Su. af Tr, [b.1 21 W | Binek-t ock 6 OsfT Tie Magdalene 6\Tu Pr. Aitred] 22 Th| [shoutg b. 71S | 6 Sw. af. Tr {12 W N. of J 13 F | Wallecetd KIM | Sr Sb54ém Gibraltar ¢. Th Comping «.§245 | St Barthel §/Tu| Fico Indue Jn F {Dryden b. 125 & | 1B. 9f.1 tolw nee St. Anne S [Lawrence [26 M | Pr. Cons b LITH) Villafranen me. § 1248 «fT: P27 T.\ 8 &. 6h bw 12|t | Brasmus 4. us wt Te Grouse sh.b. )2 W | Bt. August 18/8 | Bradley d. B. Polotsk |Te Old Le nue f29/T)| st Jolin B. 14/5 | 7 Sa. af Tr. HI S.r. 4b22m W Sc 4b4hm iF ps0 6h4dm 15|M | St Swithin (81) W/ 8 « 7h47m {Th Asmanpts. [31.5 | tunyan 4. 16] Tol Berangerd.| | F 8.5 7hidm | September xxx Days. October xxxi Days. US | 148, afTr jij |S r.5b87m] | 1 Tu Remigivs |17)Thj Etheldrede 2)M | Part. »b.¢ |iI zal Lambert 2W &« os Bm |14K/F | St. Luke B}Tu| Sr Sht7m 18) W | Prive d. BTh Ba Fr3m |19's | Kneiler a. 4|W | 30 19/Th) Ember Wk 4F )BiMobats |20'S 21 Sf. Tr. 5ITh ry ¥ | B of Al 58 | {Faith 21|M | [Hill 1642 t|F | Colter @ | St Matth. $§ | 19 8. af.Tr. |29) Tw B. ee 78. | Kunurchus § 17 8. afTr 7 [178 23) W | [862 lS | 18 Saf Tr. | (Awo.Q bd} | 8 Tx Fielding d. |2QTh) Webmter 4 op 2. 1855) 24| Tu 8. Butler at 9W St Denys [95|F [Bt Crispin Oru (Sanstans W HAILIB815| | 10 Th O.& CT.b 726)8 | [Balukiave ijw e hb! St. Cyprinn| [11 F Old Mic. D. |27 8 S.af.Tr 2[Th 8.6 6hl9m ¥ (Sr. 6h56m) |128 Edw. Conf. \28 St Sim. and 4 Fox 4.1406 oil re Day 13 S 20 &. af Tr. (29/T (St. Jude 48 Holy Crosg s BS.afTr | |14M 8.» 5b Gm \30 W 8.1. 6hS2m js 16 &. fT sf" | 8.6 5h38m | 115 Tx Murat shot |) Th 8. 4b33m ie 18 W_B Ronfeurs November xxx Days. December xxxi Days. 1 Saints {les Adv. Sund.| 17 Tu Oxf M.T.e 1) Sols 171s 25 8 af.Tr Sr 7h47m.| 18 W Rogers d 28 8 af Tr. ||1) cs Bi Tu Bloomfd. b.| 19 Th Kmber Wk (1854 |19lT..| Hogg died} | 4|/W 8 s BhSIm, 20 F | (Shortst D Inkermann j2t)W |= (bh. 1840 a j218 ‘Thomas 21\Th| Pree Koval F St Nicholns! 92 & | 45. in Adv, Sr. Th6m 2aF St Cecilia mowed. 23 M |S Bh Tm 1841) |23'8 | St Clement § SR iwAdy. 24 Tu Beddoes ot Wales aus 26 $ of. Tr. 9 CBVMary | 25 W | Christ. Day 246 Raf Tr. 25/8 Catherine 10) Te mtmers d. | 26 Th St. Stephen 8. Martin § | 2+/T hae T.e. Jno Gny 4.| 97 F Joba T. ¢. 197|\W| Pe M Add | | 19) Th 80 3h 49m | 98 S | Innocents’ us Th] & r. Thal Luey | 29 § (15. aft Ch Bs. 4hlim /29\F |8.s. Bhi 4)8 Washgtnd.' 30 M 8.5. Bh58m achutue (308 | St. Andrew BS in Adv. | 31, Tu Sylvester CM. T.«.| J} ie Wi

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1861. ASTRONOMICAL INFORMATION. From Punch s A:smanack for 1897. Mercurp. Tus planet was not visited by man until the year 1882, when Mr. AsTER Alky, son of th venerable Profesor, succeeded in reaching it by being shot thither in a wadded shell discharged from an Arm- strong gun fitted into Lorv Rosse’s tele- scope. lt was expected that Mercury would be exceedinyly hot from its proximity to the sun, but Mr. Airy found that the rays of that luminary pass over it, and the planet is a lump of green ice, intersected with rivers of quicksilver. ‘The only inha- bitants are owls, who are very civil to visitors. and who «peak a language resem- bling Welsh. They exp essed a great de- sire to hive a bishop sent to them, and als» some fat mice, and professed readiness to pay allegiance to the Star of Brunswick. The owls seemed very happy, and had never heard of Mr. TvprEx. RURAL RHYMES, Ix January, if so be ’tis cold. I sheds my kine and pens my ship in fold. QO? coorse there bain’t no dooun nothun now, Not if there’s irost, to spake of, wi’ the plougb. But of the shinun hour I’m an improver, And spreads the grass lands wauver wi’ m.ine@uvre, Or round about the stock I casts my eye, And zees the pigs be happy in their sty. HINTS ON HOUSEKEEPING. Tuere ’s a use for everything; Never throw u thing away. Save your corks and bits of string, They will all come in some day. Keep half-six ete of letters fair For your an-wirs ; into spills Cut the others; never tear Up, or burn, but file your bills, Maxine Licut or rr.—That inveterate punster, Jones, hearmg that hix friend Harpvup had suddenly had his gas cut off, exclaimed, *‘Ab yes, 1 suppose they did it by « coup de Main.” srort mn Sxason.—On Valentine’s Day, birds may pair, but men go popping on the first ot september, THE GREAT WHISKER-CUTTING MOVEMENT. Unhappy Sub. *“* By Jove! vou KNOW, AS IF ALD*RSHOTT WASN’T BAD ENOUGH OF ITSELF, WITHOUT DEPRIVING 'S OF THE ONLY AMUSEMENT WE “AD!” ASTRONOMICAL INFORMATION, From. Punch’s Almanack for 1911. Den us. Tue planet Venus is composed of ivory ‘te finest quality. It was first visited by cin BUFFALO HuMPE, the celebrated as'ro- nomer, in 1900, when he suce eded in landing his aéria. ship on Cape Cupid, the southernmest point. It is inhabited by a race of Lilliputians, who wor-hip a great blue monkey, and never speak at all. The climate is delightful, and amethysts, gur- nets, and rubies grow out of th. soil in the shape o flowers. The people have no literature, but a:e very fond of oysters, and once a-yesr they stand on their heads for forty-eight hours together in honour of Quadratic Equitions. They take no notice of strangers. uniess when trodden upon by the latter. when they emit squeals of a di-sonant character, and scratch, but are very forgiving. They cip their babies. at two years old, into bees-wax to give them an ear for music. RURAL RHYMES. Ir dry, I sows my wutts; and if it rains, Why then 1 takes and sows my pays and banes. I never wun’t keep nare a hog no mure ‘Yo veed un up to wauver iteen score : *Cause why, you only loads h's ribs wi’ fat As no one ates—and wot 's the good o’ that? A CHINESE LOVE SONG, Curne a ringee bringee tea and coffee, Smuttee nuttee betel chew, Bravee shavee wavee pigtail offee, -Takee makee love-knot true. Little feet and long nails nicy spicy, Pretty puggy no-e and slant eye, Cooey, wooey say yes! spousey house see, Crinkum c: um cradie soon buy ! HOW TO GET A GOOD FRAME CHEAP. Live temperately, be abstemious, culti- vate early hours, rise with the lark instead | of going 10 beu after one, take plenty of exercise, don’t be afraid.of los of cold water, make a practice of always being cheerful, avoid debt, draughts, bud com- pany, bills, and wet feet, and you will soon get a good Frame cheap, and it shall be a Frame, moreover. worth more than its weight in god, such us shall enclose the verg picture of health. VOLUNTEER MOVEMENT. Tsat Distrnevismep Rirte-Suot, Mr. Puncu, wavine poxe wis Duty Like A MaX, THROWS HIMSELF UNDER THE MISLETOE AND RECEIVES HIS Just REWARD.

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1861.

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ASTRONOMICAL INFORMATION, From Punch'’s Almanack for 1870, The Earth. Less was known of this planet than of any other until it was examined by the philosopher Darwin, a few years ago,

He reports that the inhabitants are nothing | at all, and never were anything, and will be the same tor about two billions of years, when they will all turn into ducks with long green tails, having eyes at the end thereof. They will then commence « strug- gle for lite, in the course of which their tails wili come off, and they will have two wooden legs between three of them, and all will talk oolitic sessile pachycermatous | Semitic. He do s not speak with periect eprtalaty as to the next change, but believes that they will probably become lobsters, unless their electricity be too great, in which case the p'anct will be inhabited by pterodactyls and megalospondees, until it bursts.

RURAL RHYMES. Tur wind now whistles saysonable airs, Which heun %, I takes an’ zows my tares; And whii!s: I stops and listens to the gust, . Thinks I, Wot’s Life, except acioud o dust ? «BRKICKS AND BEANS.” HESE terms are very respectable slang. The are of masonic pet Be Both ** Brick” and ** Bean” signity a good fellow. A Brick is the individual constituent of a Lodge, which consists of Brick« cemented together by the mortar of good fellowship. Pyrna- coras, the Royal arch Mason, forbade his followers to eat Beans. Tuais prohibition meant that masons were not, by usury and extortion, to d vour one another, Bean, a philanthropist; a beany fel.ow; one who is a bene-factor to his species. THE BULL IN THE CHINA-SHOP. Poor SAN-KO-LIN-sIN may fight shy When in Jonn Butt he catches a Tartar, For China, we ail know, will fly, If it suddenly gets in hot water.

Cavrion To ELperty Fxmaves,— Build. ings are protected from the ertects of light- ning by means of conductors, which are long iron rods or wires. The safest place for you in a thunderstorm is that omnibus of which the conductor is tall and wiry.

|

MR. BRIGGS, rFeeuno TuarT HIs HEART 18 IX THE HIGHLANDS A-CHASING THE DreER, STAR'S FOR THE NorrH.

ea = t pewens\ hit Hibtoct HWntll 4: is SI) jo — = ———ar iz se — —— a

Berore ooine ort, MR. BRIGGS ano wis Frienps RAVE A Quiet Cuat about Derr- RTAIKING GENERALLY HE LISTENS WITH MUCH INTEREST TO SOME PLEASING ANE DUTKS ABOU’ THE LivTL« [NCIDENTS FxEQUENTLY MET WITH—SU'CB AS RaALLs GOING THROUGH Caps —TORs BEING SHOT UFF!—OCCAsIONALLY BEING GORED BY THE ANTLERS or INFUSIATE Sracs, &c., ac. &c. -

USEFUL FAMILY KECIP&s (FOR WIVEs), Honey Soap.—Take of srriles, soft an- swers, tolerance, temper, and tact, equal parts. Mix well, and place ready for use to your husband's hand.—‘The above will be found an invaluable recipe for remov- ing all roughness and irritation —for giving smoothness and softness—and for obviating = the unpleasant effects of domestic fric. tion. An Bxcellent Remedy for Chafes and Chills.—Patience, placidity, and pleasant looks. To Render Tempers Incombustible —Steep them in common-sense, self respect, and consideration for others, The Best Wash for the Face.—Milk ot human kinduess,

A SONG FOR COCKN:Y SPORTSMEN, Tue hart’ in the Highlands, Of that there’s no fear, And ‘tis there you may buy lands For stalking the deer : But the hilis are no trifle, And they're windy and cold, So your wish you ’d best stifle, Or buy, and be—sold! <p FRENCH AND ENGLISH COOKERY. TuE hippophagists of France dress horse for dinner. Here we only curry the horse, but do not eat him not, at least, that we know ; for some of us sometimes dine at an eating-house, and then partake of what the bill of fare calls hashed venison, We have noe objection to a sadcle of mutton, but as to horne, extreme hunger alone would induce an Enghshman to touch the least bit,

GHOSTS WE NEVER WISH TO SEE. Tax Ghost of all our good intentions. And still less, shoud we like to see every day of our lives, the Ghost of a leg of mutton, The only Ghost we do care about se ing is the Ghost in Kichardsun’s -how.

VuLear SUPERSITrION —That far worse than seeing mugpies or walking under lad- ders is it to be caught drinking a glase of beer at dinner, or to call for eabbaze by anv other than its = genteel synonym of «greens.

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1861.

ASTRONOMICAL INFORMA- T Ne From Punch’s Almanack for 1945. fel ars. Mans was first reached by the Eart or Marca and his stel'ar explorative expedition in 1916, and averv noble colony was ied to the British Monarchical Republic. The planet is inhabited by a fine race of Anthropophagi. most of them eleven feet high, and ex- tremely affable. The Farl, on landing, presented th m with a few Trish, whi-h he had taken for the | purpose, and which were at once eaten, and the Marsites fired off | sixteen hundred wind-bags which they use as bells, in honourof their visitors. The planet is at first | awkward for str ngers, owing to | the ground being comp sed of red- | hot iron, but with acclimatisation and clogs this is Zot over, and the | boiling springs furnixh an agree- | able drin ‘The people have no | particular religion, except that on the First of March thry beat their wives severely, and their industry | is limited to snoring and scratching their heads. They have no govern- ment, and get on very well with- out one,

Home@oratruy.—Like cures like. One irri ateen relieves another. That is the reason why, from a natural curative instinct, people scratch themselves when they itch. For this purpo 3 : ~ o ASS, Sas ” GOING TO COVER. N'

Tm eee RURAL RIYMES. SOCIAL STATISTICS.

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ds ey of bis iret ra? he 8 of hat ‘ote ‘an lied our aby, iow pre- wer. nce.

PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1861.

ASTRONOMICAL ] NFORMATION, From Punch's Ahaanack for 1963. Jup'ter, Tue highest expectations were iormed of this planet, and when it was announced by the Milky Way Express. in August, 1914, that it had been reached be Sin AUSTEN LAYAKD, excite- ment knew no bounds, and a Jupiter Uand Con: + instantly got up. Unfortunately all these hopes were b..ghted. The planet turns out to be a white pulpy mass, tasting like 4 GE

f murder? CAUTION Ir you value your peace of mind, kind reader, pray don’t | read this riddle :— Q. When does an old woman who is driving her donkey into a shed resemble another who is giving an alarm o | A. When she cries ** Ass-ass-in!” | birds med wke chook, chook,’’ they ca Is the pigs. RURAL RHYMES. A Chris‘ ian from them watchfu To turmuts now attention I bestows, And what I haven’t sowd afore, | sows. __ Now zings the nightingulls amongst the twies, A lesson to be always wide aw :ke. And sayun “ Chook, SOCIAL STATISTICS. Tx the course of the last twelvemonth no less thar a couple of advertising vans were discovered being driven on the right side of the road. Of two million young ladies who last year were asked to sing. it is a fact that sixteen did so without making an apology for having a bad cold.

THE INCONVENIENCES OF A HANSOM, 1. In getting in, you knock your hat in. 2. In getting out, you knock your hat off. 3. In getting in or out, the rubs are about 100 to lin avour of your coat-tail taking a proof impression of the wheel. 4. If two of you get in, the vebicie is sv small that you have to sit almost in exch other's lap. 5. That if you wish to speak to the driver, you have to throw your head back, and vearly dislocate your neck, before you can communrexte with him through that miserable little trap-door in the roof. 6 That if youdireet the cabman to lower the glass-blind, it is advixable to hold yoursel' far back, for fear the descenuing porteuilis should fall on the bridge of your nose and do it serious damage. was | blarcmange.

The first man who jumped ashore plunged head over ears into the opaque matter, and went through, as it is conjectured, into infinite’ space, as he has never since been heard of. Vorious efforts were a footing, but in vain, and after several ships had ‘Wallowed up, Puarlia- ment interfered, Apmtnat Brooxs was ordefed to blow out the four moons, which be did in the most gal'ant manner, and notice was given that Jupiter was to. be ignored for the tuture, A plan oe erysiallising the planet by gulvanism has lately beex talked of. : Phx NEGATIVE ADVICE, Never ‘‘for form’s sake’’ write your name across a bill unless you are prepared to meet the certain consequences, Never expect to touch a street musician by your story of there being sickness in your house, except you emphasise it | pointedly with a hearty kick. Never flirt with a young widow who ealls you by your | Christian name the second time you mect her, unless you have quite made your mind up to the worst.

has been much ublic, id his feet in boots out relished both by the British and the American p' coat with long tails, his k woollen or horsehair wig upon his trousers, an head; invest his body in a ragged legs in blue or red stri ressed in this way, Tee ; stick a blac!

A Buack Man’s Recipe ror Deessine Rice.—Wash him well; then apply a coat of lamp-black and grease to his face at the toes. Kice, and hands Because they hear

when the blind is being pulled up, or else you will infallibly receive such a slap in the face, as no vindictive woman, in her angriest mood. could p ssibly infi.ct. 8. That when the window is down, though it may be some” | slight protection against rain, it is none whatever against suf- focation. 9. >hould the Hansom be spinning along at any hing like its ordinary speed, you are seized with a panic at the sight of every ol! woman or child who is crossing the road, that you are inevitably going to run over them, 10. That if you pay your right fare the Hansom-driver looks upon himeelf as personall: insulted because you have not paid him half as much again—it being a s rule wito these upper ‘Ten Thuusand of the cabstand, that if anyone is

= ge 2 = cS) a pe 64 4 59 Es 3 Es <= = zo. gf wou Sy o'8 (33 858 | 28 Sofi s8y aes eae 3 - 26% Sep 222 | 322 ra t5 D 3 S<3S ~F, | =e, | lee | $88 | eng a i=} S=5 | Eoe =33 | FES | 533 a8 &2% --£53 pes 4 Ses bas MSS 233s ,-8 | eZ&8 <3y | £2 Ba nr | Ba gf Ec 8 | g2 Ag | ee sa aa “8 | &: £4 Pas Se 8. ger aD “8 sb joss £8 z=ss Fs |g oe ee . les &8 | 23s s28 < “-3@ my 2 Sst +. ee E<3 j 4 24 —ae | L 533 i 2g ass @e: aok ; | eee Tue Deer are Driver vor MR. BRIGGS, He nas an EXCELLENT PLacg, BUT WHAT WITH WAITING By HIMSELF 80 LONG, THE re Soe $ MvuRMUK OF THE STREAM, THE Beauty oF THE SCENE. a\D THE NuVELTY OF THE SiTUATION, HE FALLS ASLEEP, AND WSILE HE | ges a3 TaKes B18 Forty Winks, THE Desk Pass! z = EF Se ‘ | #3 af 7. That it is also expedient to take the same precaution | allowed to get into a Mansom cab, he should look upon it, not asa right, but rather as a favour. There are various other inconveniences to be found inside a Hansom cab, but they will hep till next year’s Alma- nack ; if not, we will print them gratuitously in a supplement. FAVOURITE PAOFESSIONAL DISHES, Tue Minister’s Dish , ° . » « Cabinet Pudding.

The Postman’s Dish « ‘Trotters, The Courtier’s Di-h_ . + « Marrowbones, The Diplomatist’s Lish e . Trifle.

RecreaTiors In Narunan History —A game hen lays eggs | on the Derby.

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1861. ASTRONOMICAL INFORMATION, From Punch's Almanack for 19.0. Saturn. Tus planet affords a proof of the folly of ambi- tion. Had the Saturnianse S been content with their own . a territory, and their magni- ficent ring of light (which star-fish), they —_ stil! have possessed both. Bur in an evil hour they sent out an exnedition to invade the Earth, and convert its inhabitants into Vege- tariansand Pagans. They were met by the Balloon Fleet under Lorp P. I gx, and entirely routed, and all the prisoners were instantly christene!, end set down to mutten-chops, which proved fatal. kepri«als were effected,*in JuveNAL Manu landed in Saturn (himself and all his men belding their novex as they broke the ring), penetrated to the eapital, Kronos, and sang the * Marseillawe” in the oes of Juno, and ext all the holy pexcocks. Saturn has since b come a depen- dency of England, and by act of Parliament the brilliant nuis«nce, the ring, is to be cleared away. Tue AviTuMETicAL Pa- Rnavox.—tThe half is some- times more than the whole. That is the case when the ~ half of half-and-half is En- * tire, and the other half only Swires is caused by decomvosins 3 me VF WSS A uae As THE WIinD 18 FavouraBLe, THE DeER ARE DuIVEN AGAIN. InyaLip Currcnatr.—“ Why, SowerBy, what’s the matter? You don’t look quite so blue as you did. What have you been taking ?’’—“* Nothing but my meals for the last fortnight, Me Hossiepay.”’—“ ah, I thought you seemed off your physic.” Hurt Tro Execrionegrine AcEents.—If you want to secure a vote by treating an elector, ask him to dinner, and give him eanvass-backed duck. WHAT IS WOMAN’S MISSION? THIs momentous question being asked the other evening Spoon.ey said: “* As Woman was the—aw infewiaw animal, he thought ber Mission was to—aw— wait on the supewi :w,—to be — aw—a sawtof uppaw servant, and see about one’s dinnawa, and one’s -aw—furnichaw, and things.” ‘In fart,” said Mrs. Sworter, ‘“*‘ Woman’s Vission simply is to polish the spoons !” | | RURAL RHYMES, In June the farmer didn’t ought to sleep ; He ’s got to shave his fields and shear hi- sheep. Search out the weeds a growun In anong Creps that be drilled, and huck’em up whilst young, Warm work is haymakun ; but never fear : Only thee mind to quench thy thirst wi’ beer. THE HOME-FARM. Don’t be in a hurry to grub up your busband’s | weeds. It is a danverous experiment. sometimes. The worst sign of @) neglected home-'arm is bachelors’ buttons on a married man’s shirts. Fact For THE FReNcH.— Our Fellowship Porters are | net necessarily men who have distinguishid them- selve- at Oxford and Cam- bridge. Nore ON THE GAME Laws. — shooting rubbi-h Seine — on another person’s pro- ~ SS perty is trespassing but not 1S, ye SANG poaching No licence is i y' AGE . required for shooting the _# , h dw moon; but you take a aN liberty in +o doing. Vaniry.— What no man, nor woman either, by any accident ever possesses, but what is always very largely deveioped in everybody else, Tue Gre or My Heart, —Oyster atty. ens Sey Ff JAM 4 4 Gasrronomicat, Parapox.—Buck venison is the best for venison-pasty, although the : asty must be made of dough. Zoo.ocicaL EmBirM.— The hedgehog is well kn ‘wn to be secustomed to roll itself up into a ball. This is remar,able; for not only does it eat black-bee'les, but also, kept in a domestic state, it becomes very playful, and its fuvourite game is cricket.

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1861.

WHAT’S TO BE DONE

IN JULYP Wrat’s To BE Done tw Jury? Wav Ripe pown to Rionmow~p with MAMMA AND THE GIRLS AND GIVE 'EM A LITTLE DINNER, TO BE SURE }|

A Reet EA TAIN

ah SS” 1 uaa <8 ame ta ae BE fn oN = a, S 2

ee i \N AABARBAD FALSE ALARM, SURELY! Miss Priscilla (with the Dog.) ‘Yxs, IT’s THE WORST OF THESR WaTERING-PLACES. THERE ARE 80 MANY ADVENTURERS ON THE LOOK-OUT FOR WIVES, THAT ONE 18 ALWAYS IN FEAR OF BEING PRoposED To !"’

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AN Wi =e ANI \ To-pay HE Gogs our FoR A STALK, AND DonaLtp shows MR. BRIGGS rue War! Tar Power or Sounp. — Of ali examples of de-criptive music the most perspicuous is certainly a wedding-pe lL. Bell-ringing distinetiv announces the essential act of th: mar- riage ceremony, which —_ be said to consist in ringing a belle; unless, i deed, the bride is a griffin. A Bap Arrempt sy a Brotnner.—Q. When is a ship’s sail most fit to be sold in alinendraper’s shop!—A. When itis torn From Punch’s Almanack for 1960. to ribbons. The filoon. | Tue locality is hardly entitled | to the dignity of a planet, since the | Lunar Caustic Railway was laid to # it from Hanwell, and the M was laid out as an Evenin) | for the People under the-Ac w. VII., 1899. Thed ASTRONOMICAL INFORM A- TION. the Moon to be m# cheese has been ax the Scioli-ts, and ; that article are n rm “bee the Moon to London. Some interest | was excited whem the railway was made, by the claim,of the aged ALDERMAN Moon to ee Sore- reign of Lunaria; but his ridi- culous pretensions were finally quashed by the appearance of the rightful Man in the Moon, who was dug out of a hole by the nav- vies, instructed by Bishop Spur- ron, and appointed curator of the district. The established reli. gion of the coun a but Spillikins are ted. ee RURAL RHYM. Moor drought must be expected in July; Hoppy is he as only drinks when ry a And now the ears of carn begins to brown. An old etraa-.at zets lighter nor a crown. lenvies not the wealthy nor the great, When I considers them there fields o’ whate. A Trtue rora New Savcz.— FB 1°. warm you.” ground that he lives almost entirely upon cabbage. SPIRITVALIEM.—Surprise has been expressed at the fact that | Spiritual communications convey no sort of instructive mfor- | mation. The fact is accounted for by the supposition that the mediums are inspired by raw spirits. Question !—To any Debating Society that may want a sub- jec' for dixcussion, we would recommend the question. as to whether a dishonest tailor may be deemed a vegeturian on the AFTER A GOOD DFAL oF CLIMBING, OUR FRIEND GETS TO THE TOP OF BEN-ScMETHING-OR-OTHER. AND THE ‘\ORESTER LOOKS OUT TO SKE IF THERE «Rt aNY DEER ON THE His. Yes! AND PERHAPS THE FINEST HART THAT EVER WAS SEEN. AM a * Have a Drain? "—A phrase much in use among the lower class of Londoners in the sense of an invitation to drink beer. Derived from a knowledge of the fact that the liquor where- with London porter is brewed is Thames water. SENsrTIvE.—A young gentleman of our acquaintance whose genius is perhaps exceeded b: his gallantry, declares his only reason for not living in the country is the fear lest it should | make him get into rude hea'th. RURAL RAPTURES, *Tis sweet at dewy eve to rove When softly sighs the western breeze, And wandering ’mid the starlit grove To tuke a pinch sneeze. | "Tis sweet to see in daisied field The flocks and herds their plea- sure take; But sweeter are the joys they yield In tender chop and juicy steak. snuff and * Tis sweet to hear the murmurous sound That from the vocal woods doth rise, | ‘To mark’ the pigeons wheeling round, And think how nice they’d be in pies. When nightingales pour from their throats Their gushing melody, ’tis sweet ; | Yet sweeter "tis to catch the notes That issne trom Threadneedle Btrect. Yi VULGAR SUPERSTITIONS. Tuat if a lady were seen sitting in the pit of a theatre, even though she nad her husband with ber, and it were explained that she wished to see the play, and that the stalls were all quite full, Society should sh: ug i's shoulders in disgust, and scratch her n.me forthwith out of its good books. That alawyer loses caste by car- rying a blue bag, but incurs no peril to his social reputation by carrying a black one. That something terrible will hap pen if. no matter with what escort, a lady is seen riding in a Han-om cab, or walking without gloves. BEVKRAL Hinps,

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wer | ere- nose only | ould | tern arlit and d plea- yield bak. urous doth eling be in their weet; notes needle NS. sitting hough rT, and wished > stalls should t, and out of Dy car- ure no ion by ill hap escort, an-om es. ASTRONOMICAL INFORMA. TION. From Punch’s Almanack for 2001, WBerschel. Very little is known of this planet, a fact not cvedit»ble to an age like this, BisHop LrvinosTone tried in 1932 to found a colony at the Herschel River ; but the Flying Women who infest the coust carried off all the sailors and missionaries into the interior, married them, and kept them in nests on the tops of trees a thousand feet high. It is difficult to know what to do. Science has no heart. and says, * Shoot these preposter: us birds ; ” but they are se beautiful, that no- body but a blind man would take aim at them, and he would not hit. It has been sought to stupify the creatures with opiates, but they laugh at the trick, ay d knock over the glasses with their wings Un- til they can be propitiated there is no chance of exploring the planet; but we think that Parliament ought to take the matter up. ee RURAL RHYMES. Mayne the harvest bean’t all car- | ried yet, | Suppose we’ ve had July and August wet. Which stops the spoortsmun wi’ his dog and gun, And gies the birds a vartnight’s law of un. Zometimes when I be gwian o’ my rounds | I zees cha’s tramperaavun out o' bounds, And then I hollers, ’cross the dis- tant view, | **Hullo! Get out o’ them there | turmuts, you!”’ H To GET AT HIM, THEY ARE OBLIGED TO GO A LONG WAY ROUND. PECULIAR TO THE COUNTRY BrFoRE THEY GET DOWN, THE SHOWER, OVERTAKES THE”, 80 THEY ““SH+LTER A-WKE.” a beeast ASTRONOMICAL INFORMA. TION. From Punch's Almanack for 2261, Che Sun. ALTHover Way’s Light has long since rendered tnis luminary obso- lete, it is entitled to rank in an Astronomical Catalogue, as there can be no doubt that it was useful | im its day. and from the ardent | terms in which it is spoken of b | the poeta, it must have been muc admired when science was in her infancy. ‘the Sun is a pto«phoric body, upon which sheets of oil are constantly pouring from the so- called Milky Way (the Viu Oleagina of astronomers) and the “* spots,” as they werea oe | called, were the drains down which the sur- plus oil falls into the sea, and makes whales. It is inhabited by ralamanders, who have six legs and pofess themselves Sweden- borgians. Like the extinct Niagara ; of eredulous historians, the sun will repay one visit, and the oil, which is extremely valuable as a d-pilatory, is imported now thut science has taught us the ab- surdity of wearing any kind of hair on our frames. RURAL RHYMES, Ly lucky years we cuts and stacks our cain; Thrash: s out zome, and stores the grain in ba n. Zome harvest whoams bain’t wot they used to be; But I wun't never gie my carters tea, Twoast, mun, I says, the Vounder of the Veast: But mind thee dostn’t meak thyzelf at. SOCIAL STATISTICS. Ar a Spiritualist Soi:ée which was held in town last summer as many as six professed teetotaliers averred that they felt under the influence of spirits. Of twelve hundred young gentlemen who last year travelled } on the Continent, no fewer than a dozen did not size the | opportunity to try and get up a moustache. One hundred wand eleven members of the Peace Society have since last Apri! discontinued d aling with their pastryc ok, on the grouné that they believed he dealt in warlike stores, be- cause of the inscription in his window, ** Balls Suppliea.” Proofs are extant, in the shape of linendraper’s bills, that since Michaelmas ten thousand so-thought st: ong-mindec | women have been weak enough to purchase things they had | two had courage to puss beyond the -taircase. no use for. simply because that they were ticketed ‘‘ Great Barg.ins.’’ Of a hundred single men who last season received cards for what the genteel call ‘“‘ At homes,” and the vulgar * tea- fights,” ninety pleaded “sudden iliness”’ or * previous en- gagement,” and of the ten lherves who virtuously went, only Wits EXTRAORDINARY P&RSEVEKANCE THKY COME WI!HIN SHoT OF “THe Fine~t Hakr.” His Nose (QUITE OUT OF THE QUESTION) OTHERWISE HE TOLERABLY COM: MR. 6, is out OF BREATA, AFRAID OF SLIPPING, AND WANTS TO BLOW FORTABLE. . : Hitt i) IN il

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1861. ASTRONOMICAL INFOR- ' ' = ~ MATION. S S LSSScse——__. From Punch’s Almanack for 2310. Neptune. Tuts planeti a remarkable one. It is simply a lake of water, of the most cr ystulline character, and any attempt to sound it is futile, as the lead drops right through and falls into the Zodiac. The lake is in- habited by mermaids of a very fascinating kind, but there has been no successful attempt made to capture them, though the hand- somest officers have in the hand- somest manner been plac d, as bait, at the command of exploring expeditions. Music has been tried with no better effect, the creatures stopping their ears, and striking up tunes of the’r own in the ru ‘est Manner. This is all that is known of Neptune, except that the water mixes exceedingly well with any Spirituous fluid, and one touch of teddy mukes the whole world kin. ¥—L RURAL RHYMES. Biv smoky heaps about the hills avouch To fur and near that I be burnun co. cb, The smeil whereof is pleasun to the nose ; And zome prefers tubaccer to a rose. Smoke arter work, young man, but | doan’. let none | Goo ~3 atween thy nozzle and the zun L Ly "ae eT ; } a ay ae oe meres fi oy la a ag Stane.~— ‘* Down with your = pn. put down A our eee. e phraxe originated with mora > > wien ohn = peta arsin ype PUOR LIiTLE FELLOW ! describe money as dross and dirt, Emily. WaNt SOMETHING TO AmosE you! Why I Have GIVEN You Book AFTER Book, AND LENT YOU and, as thus implying a conempt | my Paint Box, axD I'VE OFFERED TO TkACH YoU Your neTES! WHAT MORE PO you WANT a8 of riches, it is much used by the Augustus. **OH AH! I Dox’? CALL THAT AMUSEMEAT. I W:NT SeME Fics! OR sOmB GINGERBREAD serious. Nuts! oR A GOOD Lor oF Torree!! THat s wHat I caLL AMUSEMENT ! ” ‘ A 80NG FOR A WET SUMMER, BY A MIDDLE-AGED SINGER. MipsumMex again! Now let us be jolly, And ’mid bail and rain Ranixh melancholy! Pic-nics are so nice Unverneath umbrellas, Packed a~ cose as mice: Damp don't hurt young fellabs ! So T used to say,— Am | growing older? Ha! wus tha’, I pray, A twine in my left shoulder? Sadly 1 ’ve my fears, *i was a hint emphatic,— That ere many years 1 sbail be rbeumatic! THE HOME-FARM. An abundant growth of wild oats is, often, only a proof of the rich- neas of the soil. The ground may always be got into order, if you will take care to sow it wi'h root-crops. The deeper you plant ’em the bet- ter ; but when they are once in the ground, let ’em take their chance, and don’t always be pulling them up to see if they are sprouting. Avoid the cangerous practice of bringing your husband under the harrow. Tue DaNnckR OF JxsTINc.— ** When is a brick a tile?” asked Brown, senior, of Surra, junior. * Give itup? When it’s a projec. tile” So saying he threw « brick- bat and broke a window. His pre- cep or forguve bim the mischief he had done, but flogged him for punning Neeative Apvice.—Never, un- les- you speak French fluently, en erashop in Paris where you see the notice, “* Here they Spike the English.” A New ANSWER TO AN OLD Quesrion.—Whe e was Moses FAVOURITE PROFESSIONAL DISHES, when he put the candle out? Not necessarily in the dark. Mosxs may have been a Puseyite Sacristan, and have put out the candle in broad daylight, which his master the par‘on was | The «ld Member's Dish > ; burning. ‘the Public-Dinner-Orator’s Dish ‘ Flounders. tlemen of the Jewry.” A HeBrew PuNprt.—the Sanhedrim was the chief council Tue Boxer’s Dish ° “. % : Soufflet, of the Jews. It consisted of seventy elders, over whom the The Young Member’s Dish . . Greens. righ Priest presided Once upon a time a President of this Loaves and Fishes. | assembly, not mentioned by Josernus, addressed it as * Gen- W Lf VLIW} PATERFAMILIAS, With B18 USUAL PRUDENCE AND FORESIGHT, ORDERS A QUANTITY OF BrER OF THR OcToBER BREWI»G. HE HAS JUST BEKN INFORM'D THAT ALL 5 THE BaRRELS aRE “ A Wo.Kin’ AND A Bustin’ !”

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1861; AFTer AIMtNG FoR A QUARTFR OF aN Hour, MR. B. Freres vorn wis BARRELS—AND—MissFs!!!! TAsLEAU—THE FORESTER’s ANGUISH. RURAL KHYMEs, Consipercn in Novemb rt how the days Gets in, and shortens as the leaves decays, AsI walks out ache Zunday ar'ernoon, That when vou call on a swell couple you ought to leave Aa! I reflects, here’s Winter comun zoon! two cards, although a man and wiie, you know, are looked | course) find that the streeis are tar too crowded fur a cab, | | ‘lhe yarbidge all dies off, until you zee~ upon as one. | except to crawl along as slowiy »s an alderman would walk A SONG FOR COCKNEY SPORTSMEN, after a dinner ut the Mansion House. Turre’s a southerly wind and a cloudy sky, But you'd better not hunt this m:rning, Or over the ears of your horse you may fly Where a deep, deep ditch lies yawning. And they ‘ll ery ‘* 0, stupid!” If you ride over Juno or Cupid; Which the odds are you *il do,— So if 1 were you, I should act on this friendly warning. No twudstouls, aven, at the roots 0” trees. lbat calling servante by their surnames gives them a higher rank in tue eyes of one’s acquaintances, and invests a ‘* Buttons” with the b: aring of a butler. That it b trays a vulgar mind to be seen carrying a parcel, VULGAR sUPEGSILIIONS, Tar it is not “the thing” to run in any public thorough- fare, even aithough you may be really in a hurry. and (of ASTRONOMICAL INFOR- MATION. From Punch’s Almanack for 2417. | Eclipses. We are happy to inform our readers that the Astronomical So- ciety of London has at length suc- ce-ced in rectitying the globe, and | that in future there will be no more | eclivses, The holes in the sun's path bave ben carefully filled up | with concrete of diamond the | Zodiac has been duly and com- | pletely oiled, and ali tue houses that wer in opposition bave been | puled down = the course of th planets will hencefort) be regular. | Compensation has been demanded | by about eleven thousand street | boys, who were in the habit of +ell- | ing smvuked glasses 'o view the old phenomena, and the claimants have all been sent t» the Compul- sory Coilege, and Mr. Apamn, the lecturer, who on Saturday attained his six hundredth year, has put fireworks instead of eclipses into his tamous Orrery. with which our young folks are much better pleased. RURAL RAYMES, DrcemBer brings, wi’ darknuss wind and rain, Another Christmas. Here we be again ! How are yer? all you gentlefolks in Town? What matter if I be a country clown? My sarvice to ee in a quart o’ beer, Here ’s your good healths and bet- ter luck next year! more particuiarly supposing it to be wrapped up in a newspaper. ? Pod ks ov J a ‘Tue Roya Haxt MR. BRIGGS pp NOT Hr. ASTRONOMICAL INFOR- MATION, | From Punch’s Alnanack ‘or 3861 . Astrology. Tue Directors of the Great Northern Hem spherical Railway | announce that railway commu. nication between all the principal | fixed stars will be open in a tew nigots. The tacilities which will | thus be afforded for personally | Visiting one’s own natal star,. and | examining into one’s destiny, in- | stead of employing iznoran' quacks } No! much be ter than the Raphaels | ard Zidkils whom Punch extir- pated in the nineteenth century, is | @pparent. Charlex’s Wain will meet every train, and convey pas- sengers to stars where stutions are not yet opcned. Astronomers ure attached to each train, who will | give every information; and it is particularly requested that no beer may be offered them. Spectacles, to keep star-dust out of the eycs, | Will be eupplied, and on Saturdays the music of the spheres will be in | attendance. We hai! this new ativance in s ience What would the stick-in-the-mud blockheads of 1-61 have said to bre ktasting in Oxford and dining in Orion ? A WHOLESOME BEVERAGE. Tue leaves of Deadly Night-shade, in'used in boiling hot water, make @ fine tea. It may be sweetened with suar of lead. This bas one grea’ advantage over common tea, which, according to some authoriies is a sloe poison. |

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1861. i 4 th, 2 Os!) EY! / Qok’z3 Ws . S Many S —— S “SAO De Ss WS S ‘Os WW Ws /s AS " NNO MR. BRIGGS was axoruer Day's STALKING, AND HIs RIFLE RAVING GONE OFF SOCNER THAN HE ExPrcteD, He Kitts a StaG! As IT 18 HIS First, He 18 MADE FREE OF THE FOREST BY THE Pri CK8s CU-TOMAKY ON THK HiLis |— Ss i is ight = ~ Ee S 4 — —s

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| “OUR OWN CORRESPONDENT AT THE SEAT OF [HE post of Newspaper Correspondent, besides being responsible, has become dangerous. In their published letters these gentlemen are modestly sparing of allusion to any personal mishaps, but their hair- breadth escapes and adventures all over the world would fill a volume. One ready writer was all but shot as a spy during the Carlist War. It required strong intercession to save the life of another who was taken, note-book in hand, when the Danes and Schleswig-Holsteiners were at loggerheads. In the Russian War the letters of a third, who was at Shumla with Omar Pasna, were nearly brought to a close by half a dozen Bashi-Bazouks,—these gentry assailing him with hatchets and muskets for his unwarrantable interference when they were steal- ing his straw. Special Correspondents of the Zimes were cooped up in Silistria and in Kars, and endured all the privations and perils of those memorable sieges. At Kalafat a troop of Cossacks made a swoop upon the Correspondent of the Daily News, who escaped only by his free use of whip and spur. The Correspondent of the Morning Chronicle was nearly frozen to death in travelling from Erzeroum to Kars. Mr. | Woops was saved by a miracle from going to the bottom during that fearful November storm in the Black Sea, but happily survived to | sketch the Atlantic cruise of the Agamemnon, and to describe in | brilliant word-painting a great international visit. Mr. W. H. Russeiy must bear a veers | life, for after bronchial attacks and dysentery, induced by Crimean cold and exposure—after being nearly sabred by mutineer Sowars in India, lamed by the kick of a horse, and struck down by a coup de solei/—he still wields every week in the midst of us his graceful, genial pen. Later still, Count ARRIVABENE, the Italian Correspondent of the Dai/y News, who could not resist the temptation of joining in a cavalry charge, was taken prisoner by the Neapolitans, and only restored to his friends when they had given him up for dead. Preteritorum periculorum dulcis est memoria, as in, the Latin grammar it is written. But other writers at the seat of war have not been so fortunate. Poor Mr. Tucker, on the staff of the [//ustrated London News, carried by his ardour into the thickest of the fight, was shot through the head before Capua. The last and saddest episode in this eventful chronicle is the fate of Mr. Bow.sy, the Special Correspondent of the Zimes in China. The loss of such a man at such a time, and in such a way, is irreparable. Through his eyes all England hoped to see the battles that were fought and the heroism that was displayed by her sons in the East : through him we hoped to get our first photograph of Pekin, our first impressions of its palaces and people, our first glimpse of the Imperial Court, with its thronging Mandarins and Princes. How eagerly should we have read his description of the Summer Palace, with its glittering fountains, its miles of terraces, its wondrous gardens, and the more than barbaric luxury and glitter within! How vigorously he would have recounted the sack and burning of this fanciful and costly structure! What a life-picture we should have had | Of the Ratification scene at the Boards of Ceremonies! But this was | not to be; and just as his tale was awaited here with the greatest prevent his bereaved family from sharing in the “ compensation money” so properly demanded from the Chinese Government. Mr. Bow.By was in China on the people’s business, and lost his life emphatically in the public service ; and the nation for whose information he wrote, and the army whose gallantry he recorded, surely owe some fitting tribute to his memory. However this may be, Mr. Punch, whose behalf deplores this public loss, and calls on his myriad readers to hold in kindly and in sorrowing remembrance the unhappy historian of the last Chinese War. c MILITARY EDUCATION. the late GeneRaL Sin Georce CaTHcART:— forwards across an opening in the woods by means of a long rope.” our gallant heroes: to ch ; opportunity of testing their ability to take a flying shot at the enemy. Hatchment Wit. living, but on those who are no longer such. The executor of a departed gentleman publishes his complaint, that nine months Income- Tax in advance is demanded from the estate of a party who died a short time ago. The subject, neither financially nor socially, is one for much levity, and Mr. Punch shows his due appreciation of it by print- ing the grimmest joke that has ever been sent to him by an undertaker. The respected Mute says, that it is clear a tomb-stone is not a Guap- stone. Ho! liquids to the Mute! “Hast any Philosophy in Thee, Shepherd?” Goop Docror WicRam (Rochestére), At Parsons’ beards is raving: We sadly fear that we shall hear The Bishop’s head wants shaving. The Little Annual. WE had intended to say something upon the subject of that elegant little bijou annual the Post Office Directory, but as we make a point of never reviewing a book which we have not thoroughly read through, and as at present we have only got through the first thousand pages, we must suspend our judgment. As far as we have gone, the work is | expectation, and had aroused the greatest interest, the narrator was struck cruelly down. We hope that no considerations of red-tape will fascinating in style and full of indispensable information. love of fun is ever less than his sympathy with misfortune, and whose | laughter is sometimes close akin to tears, on his own and the public | Accorpine to L. D., writing in the 7imes, the following admirable | plan of teaching the young military idea how to shoot, was adopted by | “The target was an effigy (life size) of an armed soldier, cut out in wood, and standing on a truck with gun-carriage wheels, which was dragged backwards and | This is the way to train troops to shoot flying. In most cases where | have to charge a foe, they will no doubt have an Mr. Guapstong, it seems, levies his Income-Tax not only on the | VOL, XL, B

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 5, 1861. Sexpy Party. ‘Says he won't let yow’ave the Dorg, ch ? just tell him you are a Friend of MINE.” Well, you WHY I LOVE THE ISLE OF WIGHT. I Love, I love the Isle of Wight, . . . But ’tis not because its skies are bright, te 7 whee a 80 a 4 or y giris who in crowds repair its sheltered s i eltere and its balmy air, in height of the fashion they trip about, under each piquant rigs aa ‘ ‘he bright eyes glance, e red lips pow And the netted tresses the breezes flout, And pretty Balmorals, shapely though stout, From blazing yy raga peep out— Oh, no, it isn’t for that. *Tis not for its fowl, and ’tis not for its fish, For by trial I’ve learnt that to get a dish Of whitings or flounders, of turbot or sole, In Freshwater, Ventnor, Cowes, or Ryde, Is a harder and costlier thing on the whole,— Though you ’re planted close by the blue sea’s side,— Than in any inland town I e’er tried, Tis not for its inns—though the Bonchurch Hotel, And eke the Royal at Ventnor as well Have plain cooks and capital cellars, And though from their windows the sea you may smell, And command the Undercliff, dingle and dell, And the landlords of both are capital fellars,— Their bills not too heavy, their ale not too flat,— But yet it isn’t for that. Nor is’t for the beauty the isle that crowns— Its smiling fields and its snug little towns, Its white chalk cliffs and its swelling downs: . Nor its Undereliff, that picturesquest of jambles, Where cottage ornée; rock and creeper and tree, Each over the other deliciously tumbles, In a way that gladdens the eye to see— Nor its Chines, be their banks all golden and green, With a dancing streamlet at play between, Or as bare as my hand and as blaek as my hat— Oh, no, it isn’t for that. Tt is, because the Isle of Wight, * Still boasts one relic Preadamite : Tt still presents to my wondering gaze, The Four-Horsz Coacu of as ee days! ¥es—the real, original, Four-horse Coach— ‘Po which what carriage could ever approach ? Witt its perch in front, where you jam your knees,” And its perch behind, whereon four must squeeze, a space where two can scarce sit at ease; And its inside, licensed to carry four, Where yeu crush hat, as you enter the door, And where the way to dispose of your legs,» Is to samdwich your opposite neighbour’s pegs ; And where if your next fellow-passenger” = *s = pete if not, nee — the = D what you you ’re obliged to squeeze + fond "ie vain to call oat either “Stopher!” or “Base her!” Who dees not remember that Four-horse Coach, Li. ite driver sans —— sans reproche ; was great im mirth, still ter in wrath, And swore down all that crossed Se uth, Who, let’ who would go astray, ne’er was knowd, - told you) to drive the wrong side of the road; he cut round corners, and tore down hill, Pull’d upat the publics, to gossip and swill ; Held bis fares in contempt for three-fourths of the way, But the last few miles grew bland and gay, And wondrens respectful, for one of his trade, In hopes you’d “remember him ” when you paid ? Yes—the dear old Four-horse Coach of my youth! * *T was inconvenient, to tell the truth. T'was costly and crazy, and snailishly slow, Now railways have taught us the pace to go; *T was cold outside, and cramping within, And the driver was apt to be giv’n to gin; A curser, a cringer, extortionate too, One who measured respect by your purse, not gow ; But spite of all this and more’ beside, *Tis a pleasure of mem’ry again to ride In that ven’rable vehicle—out- or inside; And therefore I love the Isle of Wight, . For that it gives me this delight, And sets old recollections abroach, As I swing along in its Four-horse Coach, And string my monumental lays, To the vehicle of ancestral ways— Survivor of Jarvies and yellow po-chays, ‘ Tue: Pour-worse Coach OF MY EARLY pays! ' SELF-MOVING FURNITURE. We really cannot understand how it is that when so have turned their minds to table-turning, they have none attempted to turn out pomething sare by it. We do not much now of the regular s¢ence-holding professors of the art, who make money by their tricks just the same as other conjurors, and gull =e who go to them at so much charge per head. These persons dow think it best to let well alone, and to go on pouching quietly the pro- ceeds of their exhibitions, without running any risk by vouring to introduce the element of usefulness. h for them to do their tricks and do their patrons; to dupe the weak and foolish who out- number the wise; to trade on the most sacred f ‘ by imposing their vile shams upon bereaved ee parents; to retend to have the power of summoning the spirits of the loved and fost, and thus, ghoule-like, get a living by bringing up the dead. But besides these shameless humbugs, whom we count with the sham prophets and sham doctors of our time, there are amateur | professors of the spiritualist faith, who ought certainly to to de- velope its resources, and if possible, conduct it to some y useful end. If there be an unknown power which can move our chairs and tables, make our ottomans dance hornpipes and our wardrobes evince signs of the liveliest emotion when approached, after an absence, by the mistress of the house, surely this mysterious influence is wor turning to account, and the more we truly know of it the better. We cannot see why we should go on paying men to move our furniture, when for aught we know, our furniture is gifted with the capability to move itself. Who can tell but that a latent power exists in chairs and tables, in bedsteads and in book-cases, carefully to move themselves from house to house at our mere bidding ; to take themselves to pieces, if need be, at their exit, and to put themselves again together on their entrance? Certainly when next we have occasion to change house i but for the requirements of our dear (i.e. costly) wife and amily, we should assuredly not do within the present century,) we of our nature, |\®

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“«* - \- xt ue = &> ; A > : om ~~ b- iss x Fe ‘ Biss ny ies -

January 5, 1861.)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 3

| honour our upholsterer with instructions for the purpose, we shall

-which are no more learnt by instinct, than anatomy or algebra, geo-

shall be tempted to go through a scientific course of table-moving, with the view of seeing how far it wight help us in our work. Before we adopt a most exhaustive system of experiments, and do our best to ascertain if furniture is capable of flitting automatically from Brompton (say) to Bayswater, and arranging itself nicely in the rooms that are prepared for it. Just conceive what a saving of trouble, time and temper, not to make allusion to money, there would be, if instead of having to vans and light spring carts, and, for fear of fire or plunder, to take command in person of a whole army of workmen, who in the usual course of things expect such liberal “allowance” as will allow them to get tipsy not less than twice per diem,—if instead of all the jobbery and bery, and bobbery which invariably attends the task of entering a new residence, one need only tell one’s loo-table, * Come, there you be off, and mind your claws don’t come se!” or address one’s old four-poster, “‘ Now then, sharp’s the word: umscrew yourself direetly, and move to Spirit Terrace, and take eane net to chip yourself in going up ~ i : Were some such really useful end as this arrived at, we should be among the last te sneer at spirit-moving, and perhaps among the very first to take advamtage of it. But while the sole result obtained is needlessly to move about our sofas, chairs, and of the latter a lot of stupid, senseless, lying, t : blasphemous replies to what are at the best entirely needless inter- rogatories, we must beg to be excused from giving our the spiritualist faith. lf table-movers be not capable of some- thing a useful by their art, the sooner they desist from t: \- surdities the better. There is no earthly good as yet im anything they do, and things which hare not im them have usually evil.

SERVANTGALISM VERSUS SCHOOLING. ¥ no ene shall we he ae- of any wish to take our neader’s breath away by advancing an extrava- gant and startling suppo- sition, if we venture to assume that there are some of them who are not quite | contented with their house- | maids, and are sometimes to be heard even complain- ing of their cooks. With- out going so far as toas- sert that servants are “the greatest. plagues in life ” (which in the presence of street-organistsand Income- Tax collectors it would scarcely be compatible with honest truth to do), we may yet presume to state that many a young house- keeper has found they are “great worries,” and many an old one would declare, if she might speak her mind about them, that the minxes would exhaust the neat of a Crassus and the patience of a Jos. Smashed crockery, chipped furniture, spoilt cookery, and cheap finery, are enough to sour the feelings of the sweetest-tempered “ Missus,” and when to these failings is added a weakness for life-guardsmen and for reading penny novels, and a demand to be allowed to practise the piano, and to be excused from doing any needlework but crochet, we cannot wonder that complaints should now and then be heard that servants nowadays know neither their station nor their work. , With an ear to these complaints, and an eye to the instruction of | girls in humble life, not merely in the knowledge of how to read and | write but in the useful arts of sewing, cookery, and house-keeping, graphy or Greek, a lady four years since established a training-school at Norwich, where the object was, she tells us— “To give the opportunity for gaining a good education, with the addition of plain sewing, mending, and cutting out; and also (what every mother was to understand on putting her girl to school) such practical acquaintance with cookery and house- work, under my excellent housekeeper, that every girl might know bow a house should be kept, and should acquire habits which would hereafter make all the difference between a tidy and happy home or the reverse.” Surely children, one would think, would like a school like this, where as a relief from their arithmetic and spelling, some mornings adhesion to | their daughters grow up handy, useful, elever girls, who would make good servants and good housekeepers when wives. But no, poverty n6 ate go often hand-in-hand, until wy Pod each eg down into the After a trial of four years, the lady is compelled to own her scheme a failure, solely beeause she found the ‘gis too proud to do housework, and the parents so ahenrd 2840 -cxlabarage their refusal. a letter to the Norwich Mercury she says:— I phn, was not to find the class of parents I hid t6 do with. the but make excuse to. : aecept —— a evade i . i possibly be worth while to i nowadays to let one’s children, as a rule, do exactly as they please, for mothers often are too heed and so long as toys or lollipops all attempts at, traimmg are ren ate ao often now é imitate; smd hile yer 7 ; ungenteel to make a shirt or me o¢king, and te eonsider they lose easte by evem entering the kit we may depend that their inferiors will give themselves airs, an prefer te starve as sempstresses than to grow fat in service. r Commenting upon the letter we hame quoted, whica showld find its way te every cottage in the kingdom, a writer in the Atheneum sensibly observes :-— “‘Is there not something out of joimt in a sediety in which competent cooks, dairymaids, and laundry maids are hardly to be got, while incompetent goyernesses and female artists. are a 2. Is there not’ r = ee =p false — of the girls of the tic life, and gives tastes. wants, large pro tion ¢ peerage satisfy in the eafe but bu Tegious of rte ls ‘tT Wh ie fatal misdirection is given to their training, we may confidently .p) ¥ recruits to the ranks of vice will far more than fill the places ‘ma efforts of reformers.” Out of joints, as well a8 gut of ‘joint, will be society, if seem threatened, are no longer to be got. ‘“‘ Every lady her-Gwn Ser vant,” will become tlie general motto, and the sooner we pre : ourselves for this new state of things the better. If girls in. life refuse to learn to cook and to keep house, sehools for ¢ housekeeping must be opened for young ladies, and patel highest rank will have to send their daugliters to them, bringing bome rewards for drawing or deportment, our our eyes by showing us their prizes for plitmpuddi will *honourably mentioned” for hér pancakes, ah@AGwes be “commended ” for the genius she<displ ‘mm bojling a°potato. If this plan be carried out, and “ Servants’ ools for Ladies ”’ be gene- rally established, we think, in order to’ ensure a home being made happy, every bride should be obliged; on the’morning of her marriage, to produce before the clergyman first-class cook’s certifi ‘ without which document, the ceremony should not be perforasst salt the engagement of the bridegroém should ‘he legally annulled. :

Affection in Man and Woman. Women are said to have stronger attachments than men. Jt is not.se. Strength of attachment is evinced in little things. A man is often attached to an ald hat; but did you ever know of a woman having an attachment for an old bonnet ?

A Cheer for Elgin. He has done his work featly, adroitly, completely, So saith Mr. Punch, unaccustomed to flatter ; And except that the welkin don’t rhyme to Lorp Exery, The former should ring with the praise of the latter.

A CASE OF WANDERING WHICH IS A MOST RATIONAL STEP. Tue Lawyers have a peculiar phrase, which they frequently indulge in, of “wandering from the record.” We do not profess to say

would be spent in learning how to make a pudding, which, at the small charge of threepence each for dinner, the pupils were at liberty to eat when it was made. Surely, too, poor parents would like to see | what it means, but we only know that we were shown a copy of the a once, and we wandered away from it as quickly as we possibly could,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 5, 1861. oe im re | THE WEATHER AND Boy of the Period, “Go 17, Tommy! | ae -_——- THE STREETS.—1860. THERE’S NO PERLICE, AND THE OLD GENT’S AFRAID TO COME OUT!” FACTS OF THE FROST. “Mr. P UNCH, “By the time when these lines will reach you, we shall perhaps have had a thaw; but the present severity of the season ought not to be forgotten when it is over. The cold is so intense that it has frozen some cold pork which I am eating for breakfast, and let me recommend you to try fat pork frozen, if you want to know what cold pork is, “My tooth-brush has for a long time been frozen night and day, except just when I am using it, and then it melts in my mouth, like a pear, except in flavour, tasting strongly of camphor. My nail-brush, my shaving-brush, and my bodily ablution or scrubbing-brush are in the same state. Not only is the water in my bed-room jug con- gealed; but the jug itself is frozen into my washing-basin, by means of water which the domestics spill over its mouth. My breath freezes on the inside of my bed-room window in beautiful crys- tallisations, and I might draw caricatures with my_finger-nail on the frosted panes, but anxiety to get up as fast as possible debars me from that amusement. ** Everybody’s water-pipes are all frozen, of course; and I observe that the plumbers are all in high spirits, evincing a degree of exhila- ration above what might be accounted for by the bracing weather. ** Not only are the ornamental lakes in the Parks frozen over, which is all very well, but so likewise is the slush about on the pavements whereupon the street-boys, in defiance, or with the connivance, of the police, strike out slides, on which I am continually slipping, and expect to fall and fracture my skull. * Yours, till death, “* OBSERVER.” *'P.S. Beware of sleeping without your nightcap. Lambswool is a very good material; so is hot-spiced elder or small claret.” Crzricat News—The Bisnor or Rocuester has written to the Clergy of Colchester, intimating that he shall suspend any Parson who eats an oyster with its beard on. PUNCH’S ENGLISH EXERCISES. A New idea in education has been suggested to us oy the late pasto- rals of CanprnaAL Wiseman, Dr. Cunuen, and other Popish prelates ; indeed also by the allocutions, excommunications, and epistles of the Pops himself. Boys used to be taught orthography by being set to rectify some pages of bad spelling. In like manner, youth might have placed before them the verbiage of the Porz, the Cardinal, and the illicit ARCHBISHOP OF DuBLIN, being charged with the task of turning it into English. It would be interesting to see how much shorter these pompous addresses would be, if-they were weeded of their rank luxuriance of needless adjectives. There would be no fear that the youthful mind would be perverted by the study of writings proposed as examples to be carefully avoided; but no doubt their authors would hope that they would have the effect of imbuing lads with popery, and therefore would be quite willing to have them used as models of redun- dance, turgidity, affectation, and every peculiarity of style that ought to be shunned. Together with the compositions of his Eminence, his Holiness, and the archiepiscopal Irish firebrand, quack advertisements, such as are not noisome, and the circulars of puffing tradesmen, might be advan- tageously combined for the use of schools. The intellect would be equally well exercised in reducing either a pastoral or a puff to its lowest denomination. It is wonderful how like the language of in- fallible-specific-mongers is to that of the preachers of papal infallibility. An Old Nursery Rhyme. New Dressed ala Tartare. Tue Tartar heap are scattered like sheep, E’en San-KO-LIN-TSIN can’t find them ; May the Allies come home, and let Pekin alone,’ But zo? leave their ¢aels behind them. . Tae Scotch Exmz’s Sone:—“How happy could I be with Heather ! ”

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| oe ea =wMt@mametoe aa i

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Jawuary 5, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. ‘THE COMPACT LETTER-WRITER. i letter-writing could not survive the establishment of the pem post, but if elegant periods and a neat form of srriving of & Conan wish could have endured into the days when we have ten deliveries between | card. akfast and dinner, the de would now have been given. The Genenath oy eateniog oth | the Horse Guards, announce that in future “the of every letter sent to them is to be ed on top left-hand corner.” How mach the great nuisances of the day, Everybody in his are ther-in-tavw with every other word wnderlimed, and a cataract of expressions of affection. About two-thinds bottle of hay og ey ih Se er-inlaw twenty 4 ead gl ryt ote invol i e son-in- “= order te meet the certain ing much for is family), en- tell her :— How much more decorous it will be, when tolerably prosperous son- in-law has been taken to Norw: and his papers are overhauled, to find, instead of such a note. as the above,a few neat words at the upper left-hand corner :— | Mamma. petitions dearest Charles for a little loan to kind, good, but ‘ rather improvident Tommy. Sent £20, C. So | heard, has occasionally written to latter to give a favourable review of the FT. has r Mr. Punch has heard, is to say somethin author is the last man to think much at rts, or to desire any notoriety, yet there have been so many admirable articles in editor’s widely-circulated and influential journal, bearing upon the very subject on which author has been writing, that perhaps, in the interest of the public and of the good cause which both of them have at heart, a notice of author’s work might be opportune and acceptable. ‘This is all very nice; but the — in the upper left-hand corner, and the endorsement, should run us :— Give us a puff for the Jauut to Jericho. Saw him blowed agg ao pe pone beset a Boxes oe Ovsictonan as-time, ouely by people, who very properly say, that new pieces shou seen while the dresses and decorations are fresh, and also while the children bless *em) are home for the holidays, and therefore nen, beg the oe ne that he can, just now, sell to great Generally, the coolness of the note in which the demand a Clapham or Bayswater demi-millionaire is suited to the coolness of the request; or if the lady of the house writes, it is evi- dently with the idea that she is doing the i children to see a gratis sight. be civil, and writes thus :— “Dear Mr, Srancieton, ; “ I see by the yo I am delighted for your sake to see it, that your new piece, the Mountebank of Madagascar, has been so splendidly fot ¥ that it is sure to bring you crowded audiences for many a night. You ~~ Lam sure, remember me from having sat next to me at our good friend, Mz. Baprort’s, when you were so very kind as to say that I ought to come and see your theatre. I will now take advantage of your kind offer, and as all my dear children are at- home for the holidays, I should like to give them the treat of coming to your theatre on Saturday t, if you will be good enough to give me a box. As we are a many, and some young friends are staying with us, I should like a double box, and please let it be near the centre of the house, because I do get so nervous about the little ones leaning more of a favour in br : at sometimes she pom “ire to | 2 ave irregular, you send men you must have idling about the theatre. “ Believe me, dear Sir, Yours sincerely, “Saran CLurcHer.” four orders for the boxes, as we have two servants who have been with us many years, “PS. Please also faithful and and I should like to @ive them a treat and let them take their sweet- as this; but if Mrs, No r ought to resist such an ap Maman 8 aoe Si So CrurcHer would break the thing at once corner, like this, Mrs. Clutcher, banker's wife, Friend of the Badports, wamis and four orders. it might prevent the Manager from being so rude as to write i (aa he otherwise may) likeaie-— sometising Mr. Punch, Wi enna het atten annexed, fhe compact corner-note, hereb to himself unless Tent dae ol A SPECIAL VERDICT. Tae admiration of mankind is challenged for the subjoined verdict of a British jury :— * We find for the plaintiff, but with this remark, that Dr. CLarxe acted perfectly bond fide; and that upon the result of the evidence there was sufficient to justify the course he pursued. Therefore we lay the damages at £10,” Pag: went vem if that is | poe word to apply to such “beds amine . ee Seman “Mr. AsPLaNp. I submit that is a verdict for the defendant.” whilst another was logically delivered from a higher authority :— | “The Lorp Cuter Jusrice. I am of a contrary opinion.” This case was an action for assault and false impri been the defendant’ i by a woman who former master, because physician at and likewise in a peculiar freedom from vulgar Here we have a special jury, finding, in the first place, acted with good faith and sufficient justification, i i into custody as a mad i curred £10 damages. i wherein a gentleman is sued by a social inferi by anybody in the higher or middle orders, who as to get involved in a lawsuit with another i course that the case will be decided i eee et. wife BEE at ' ait assign their motive for so doing, if they are to exhibi of their duties, any intellectual as well as moral inferiority juries, such as special juries may be judged to be if the a ve abeve quoted is to be taken as an example of their wisdom righteousness, ° J A Likely Reform in the Law: Amone the contemplated Law Reforms of 1861, is an Act enabling persons to establish their own so ig their in order that, after death, they may not have thei disputed on the ground that when they made them they were out of their minds.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 5, 1861. }\ \ al Wy, Hil Vis ofl} Vite {aN will THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON. Reynard the Fou. “ HERE’s aN OLD-FasHIonED CHRISTMAS, MY Boys, FOR YOU, AND MANY OF ’EM!” , | THE LETTER H. AND SLAVERY. h | | Presipent Bucwanan in his Message to Con- | gress, which not only assumes, but asserts, the | right of property on the part of masters in slaves, | thus deprecates secession :— “Surely, under these circumstances, we ought to be | restrained from present action ng ee precept of Him | who spake &s never man spoke, * sufficient for the | day is the evil thereof.’ ” | | Whom can pro-slavery Bucnanan mean by ) | Him who spake as never man spoke? Why the i =| capital H? We know who it was that spoke im | the words quoted by Mr. Bucuanan, But that | Personage ordered his followers to treat other men as they would wish to be treated themselves. Unless Mz, Buchanan would like to be sold like a horse, have his wife and children also sold away; to be cow-hided for a small offence with all the might of a strong man; to be the pro- perty of another; to be punishable for running away from his owner—in short to be a slave: unless Mz. Bucnanan would like to be that, and to suffer all that is implied thereunder, let him spare us the humbug of quotations from the Gospel, and the farce of spelling the personal pronoun signifying its Author with a capital H. i | “The Great Fire of London.” We fancy that the City Corporation would not so much object to a second Fire of London, providing always, and they are always providing, they had to provide the coals for the Fire. AUSTRIAN PAPER MONEY. Poor Austria, her finances are so tight, — Where she should sky a copper, flies a kite. CHRISTMAS AT THE CRYSTAL PALACE. We were told the other day of a Frenchman who had brought his wife and family to England that they might spend their Christmas at the Crystal Saas The notion at first struck us as being rather curious, but on afterthought we deemed it a most sensible idea. We doubt if France, with all her forests, could show a Christmas-tree full sixty feet in height; and we feel quite sure that France, with all its skill in cookery, could not boast of such roast beef and mince-pies and plum- puddings as it is the privilege of England to produce. e remember to have heard of an unlucky fellow-countrymen who, being doomed to pass a Christmas-day in Paris, devoted all his energies to make sure of a plum-pudding; and who, having himself purchased all the requisite ingredients, felt tolerably easy in his mind for the result. Well, Christmas Day arrived, and after a first course of cow beef cut in strips, up came the plum-pudding, served in a tureen ; for the cook, not being told to boil it in a cloth, had omitted so to do, and thereby turned it into soup. We can fancy then, the French have but a vague idea of Christmas, and we ought clearly not to laugh at them for coming -ever here to get a proper knowledge of it. Nor is the Crystal Palace a bad place or the purpose; supposing that the foreigner have no fireside to go to where he can learn the meaning of the words “an English home.” To see-the troops of happy children who annually flock there, is not the least of all the visual attractions of the place. And besides the mile and a half of toys which are man my upon the counters (children now-a-days are much more blest in this respect than they were when we were young and Gzorce THE Trp was king), and besides the comic — and the conjurors, and Punch-and-Judys, who alternately present themselves to please the infant mind, there is actually this year a veritable —— which thoroughly perfects the Christmas — - the Palace, and renders the enjoyment of the juveniles complete. Remembering the pleasant words of SypNzy Smit, we may quote them as an extra stimulus, if any such be needed, to induce Pater- familias to take his children to the Christmas Fé¢e:— ** Mankind are always happier for having been happy ; so that if you make them happy now, you make them happy twenty years hence by the memory of it.” With this ringing in his ears, what father could refuse to let Jimmy and Jemima, Carouinz and CHARLEY, enjoy a Christmas hour or two at the Crystal Palace? Summoned by the wand of the fairy-like the Nave as thickly as the jewel-fruit which dazzled Aladdin in the garden where he went in search of the wonderful lamp. For visitors who have cut and not yet lost all their sweet teeth, mines of lollipops and rock are freshly excavated daily; while, as a meet contrast to the Shadow Pantomime, there is no lack of more substantial Christmas cheer for all who seek it. POISONED TOYS. Or all people the doctors must the most delight in Christmas. At no season in the year is there so much good living, and as children, as a rule, will over-eat themselves whenever they have the chance, pills follow plum-puddings in the natural course of things, and the doctor reaps a harvest from the seed sown by the cook. $ But it is not only the surfeiting and stuffing that makes Christmas a professionally profitable season. At no time in the year are there more new toys distributed, and how provocative of sickness may these gifts be in our nurseries is shown by a late writer in the Chemical News. His suspicions being excited by the brightness of the green with which some playthings in a shop that he was passing had been painted, he analysed the colour, and found it was composed of arsenite of copper, a preparation not less deadly than arsenic itself. Now playthings, we all know, are not meant to eat, but children, as a rule, are very apt at times to put them in their mouths, and the brighter the colour the more likely is the child to wish to find out how it tastes. Unless a father therefore have a mind to be a thorough Borgia to his babies, we should advise him when green toys are sent as birthday presents, to put them in the fire as quickly as may be, or the chances are that he will have to pay a doctor’s bill much longer than the mince-pies and plum-puddings would have caused, however great had been the juvenile indulgence in them, Fresh from New York. By the Ghost of the Atlantic Telegraph. Wuat is a Loafer ? One who eats the bread of idleness. COMFORT OF THE NEW COINAGE. Tue issue of the new bronze coinage will involve one advantage. Professional beggars will now less than ever be just in assailing Bow ey, toys and playthings of all sorts, and suited to all ages, crowd your ears with—‘‘ Gentleman, ar yer ar a copper?”

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eS ee —i(i lvl re = Oo2eenea January 5, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 9 THE SLANG OF THE STAGE.’ E think for curiosities of ad- vertising literature, next to the second columm m the first page of the Times, the best co] umn is the last in the first page of the Zra. To readers who are not versed in the slang of the Green-room the may appear a curi- ous req — inquire of any “call boy” if such really were the case, an answer more or less impertinent | (and =iarinere than less) would be immediately returned, the reply perhaps consisting of | the mere word “ Walker!” It will be noticed that the male walker is wanted whereas this quality is not thought an essential for the female. But without dwelling on this, we pass on to another p in the same day’s sheet :— FOOLWICH.—THEATRE ROYAL. WASTED, a good Juvenile Lady; also, Juvenile Gent, Heavy Man, and@ one or two good Utility People. A fair salary given for talent. Apply. Here we find the lady is required to be “good” and likewise to be “juvenile;” to which latter qualification every lady under sixty would of course consider herself entitled to lay claim. How far the coming census will be allowed to throw the light of truth on ladies’ ages, it is not our pleasure just now to inquire. But we think that to apply for a “juvenile lady,” is almost as superfluous as to require a “female woman ;” and just as s8 Was | it to ask during the Cattle Show for a “heavy man,” seeing there were none else to be seen then in the streets. The next announcement introduces to our notice a Stage personage whom we have no desire to know in real life :— THEATRE LOYAL, SCREAMINGTON. wart ED, a first cass SINGING CHAMBERMAID. Waits are bad enough, and so are cats and sweeps. But of all the most unmusical, most melancholy nuisances wherewith the ears of sleepy sufferer could be nocturnally afflicted, commend us—or, no, # commend us—to a “ Singing Chambermaid.” We cam conceive no greater torment that to hear the “ Power of Love” squalled nightly on the staircase as we turned into bed, while “Sally Come Up/” squealed through the keyhole would wake us out of our first sleep. Banjoed, bonesed, and barrel-organed as we are throughout the day, we should go stark staring mad—fanatico per la musica in pitiable trath—if when we retired at night we were conducted to our room by a Singing Chambermaid, whose lullaby would most effectually prevent our going to rest. As it is, we often spend a night at an hotel (say the Star and Garter, Richmond, or the Bedford by the Sea) merely for the purpose of escaping the sleep- murderers, who with trombones in their hands infest the London streets. But we could no more hope to take our ease at our inn, if the dramatic “ Singing Chamber- maid” had a place in real life. All these specimens of Stage slang we take from the same sheet, and we copy them verbatim merely altering the names, as we have not been paid to print them in our paper. With one more startling sample we must conclude our list :-— HALL OF HARMONY, BAWLBOROUGH. WANTED, to open on Monday, Dec. the 24th, Two good NIGGERS that can dance well, a Lady Character Singer, anda Lady Sentimental ; alsv, a Pianist that can read well.—Address. To inquire in this way for a Pianist “who can read well” seems like asking for a gardener who is a dab at painting, or begging for a butcher who can play the flute. reading be the thing required, why not seek an elocutionist? But this is not half so strange a request as the preceding one; that for the good niggers and the brace of ladies who are “ wanted to open” on the day which is there mentioned. Wanted to open! In the name of LinpLEY UBRAY, wanted to open what? Is it oysters, or box-doors, or “ Wonderful Cabinets,” that these fair ladies and dark gentlemen are “ wanted to open?” Is it—stay—a horrid thought rings in our frightened brain. ‘To open” is a neuter verb as well as active. Can it be that these four persons are wanted to be passive actors in the opening, and that for the sake of producing a sensation, some tragedy is going to be played “with real stabs!! ” There is no saying what dodge next will be tried to fill our theatres, and for aught we kriow, there may be a good opening for persons who would every other night, say, undergo os operation; the salary of course varying according as the opening were made with a are bodkin or with a Shylock’s knife. ITALY’S CHRISTMAS WAITS. Yes !—Christmas comes but once a year— The happier for their fates, Who the ills of Christmas bills, And don’t approve of “‘ Waits.” There ’s frost upon the window-panes, There ’s snow-storm in the sky, While underneath the blankets In vain to sleep I try. For worse than saws a-setting, Or dogs that bay the moon, Those horrid Waits with wheezy fiute, Crack’d cornet and basoon ! But let me hug this comfort still, ere are worse fates than mine - "Tis but “gainst single household’s peace, Our Christmas Waits combine! But there are Waits across the sea, That work more wide annoy, by | nations keep on qua vive, kingdoms’ peace destroy. There’s Bombalino—while her flag Dark France to shield him throws— A Christmas Wait at Gaécta, Breaks Italy’s repose. His drum ecelesiastical A Chistes Wai ie oa beating as eeps _ _ From out the Vatican. And rattles loud the begging-box Where Peter’s Pence resound. Poor Italy may toss and turn, And bid these Waits ne ; But still they breed their discord loud, And move off or on. i, last, as if such Waits as these, eren’t of themselves enough To break the rest of Italy With rude alarms and rough— Comes he, who darkling discord still Can find the means to make, Who keeps not only Italy, But Europe wide awake. No Christmas Wait like him who plants At Rome his red-legged band, Whose tricolor at Gaéta Helps Bombalino’s stand. COMPARATIVE PHYSIOGNOMY. SuBsornen is part of an announcement copied from a newspaper :— “Mapame Tussaup's Exureition.—New addition.—A full-length Porrrarr Mope of the murderer Wmiiam Goprrey Youneman is now added to the chamber of com- parative physiognomy. r The Chamber of Comparative Physiognomy was formerly the Chamber of Horrors, The alteration is an improvement. People have supped full of horrors, and, it may be hoped, have got sick of them. Comparative Anatomy is the anatomy of brutes in relation to that of man. Comparative Physiognomy is the physiognomy of such brutes as the murderer YouncmaNn in contrast with our noble selves. It is a pleasing study at least to those whose physiognomy differs from that of such gentlemen as the mur- derer Youneman. To profit fully by the oppor- tunities of study afforded by the Chamber of Comparative Physiognomy, visitors should take pocket looking-glasses to that exhibition, and, instead of comparing each other with Messrs. Rusu, Manning & Co., attentively study their own features in order to compare them with the lineaments of those celebrities. Kryprep Tres.—Frailty and Humanity.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 5, 1861.

wrod til (pin Li [

mut i spr ee Yo 4A a *) ~~ << A DANGEROUS SITUATION. SWELL (with trepidation). “ Here /—Portar—Here ! See me into a First-Class Carriage, there’s a good fellaw !”

PAUPER HUNTING. Durine hard frost’ and deep snow, there is nothing to be done in the way of field-sports except lark-shooting, which is a puerile amuse- ment, and practicable only where the tops of the greeus peep through the snow, there being elsewhere no larks. Wild ducks may be shot; but wild duck-shooting is rather an aquatic and marine amusement than a field sport in this weather, all very well for those who like it, but rather too cold work for most people. The only sports that can well be enjoyed at present, are of a social character, such as hunt-the- slipper ; but there is a species of hunting better than that, and capable of affording capital pastime. It is the game of Hunt the Pauper. Your best on is to take a clergyman out with you as the keeper of the parish which you pro to beat for paupers. His Reverence will also do the work of pointer and setter. Two or three stout fellows can follow you with loads of ammunition in the shape of cold meat, b and cheese, and other comestibles, and you may also have a vehicle at Fe heels conveying blankets and warm apparel. Pro- vided with these essential requisites, you go and beat the Paupers up in their covers, if they have any, for some of them will be found lying about in the streets. . Whenever the parson makes a point, you walk up, and as soon as the Paupers get up, pitch in the grub, and wrap m over with the flannel. special cases, under the keeper’s advice, let fly some of the shot in your locker, making sure of your object. You may as well carry a pocket-pistol loaded with the regular Anti-Forbes-Mackenzie charge, to administer to Paupers on the ground knocked up with the cold. After a good long day’s Pauper Hunting you will eat your dinner with a zest which could not be imparted by the King of Oude’s Sauce, and you will sleep beneath your own warm blankets as sound as a top, and better than if you had taken opium enough to narcotise a Chinaman. There is very good ae Hunting to be had in town as well as in the country. Out about Shoreditch, and all that way, there are lots of — in the slums, besides the preserves called Workhouses, in which little poaching on the sly may be, practised with great propriety,

PRESENTS TO MR. PUNCH.

Mr. Puncu presents his affectionate regards to the donors”of the | various presents under-mentioned, which have been sent to him this Christmas, in recognition of his un ed exertions for the good of mankind. He makes this public acknowledgement for the good reason that the world ought to know how grateful it is for his services, and for the better reason, that it saves him the trouble of writing private: | notes. Splendid Turkey from ******, Yorkshire. A ditto from ******, Lincolnshire. (Madam.) A (rather small) ditto from Bermondsey. A pm ha !) from—we have a good mind toname you—weel, dinna be skeared. A Turkey and a Ham, (and such a pretty letter) from Ipswich. A Ham and a great Scotch Bun from Glasgow. Half-a-dozen of Whiskey from Arran. (One broken.) A Hamper with Game by G; W. R., but no address.

Game, from Peterborough, Oswestry, Filby, Hampstead, Brighton (two ots), ' Carlisle, Southampton (Shirley), Perth, Henley-sur-Tamise. Birmingham, and (near) Worcester. Pheasants unrecognisable. Two Yorkshire Pies, neither from residents in Yorkshire. A vast pot of anonymous Char, but we know you. Write. A Case of Champagne, from Boulogne upon the Sea. Salut. A bottle of Brandy-Cherries, and a box of kisses.

A pair of elegant skates, but we have given up that kind of starring, Mr. COMMISSIONER. A statuette of GarrpaLp1. (Given where requested.) A thing for holding stewed cheese—something omitted. A magic lantern and slides. (Mr. Punch’s best thanks ) A heap of ‘‘ gift-books” of all the colours in and out of the rainbow. A Scotch terrier. (Beautiful, but bites like a beast.) Unless Mr. Punch has been robbed anywhere, that is all, up to the | end of the year. Friends at a distance will please accept this intima- tion, and be assured that all has or will be consumed, or divided, in the way the donors would wish. Bless you, my people ! 85, Fleet Street, Dec. 31, 1860, PUNCH.

A CarpiInaL VinTUE THAT THE Pore wants.—Resignation.

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Wo! — at their Office in Lombard, Street, b in ndon.—Sarugpay, January 5, 1851. arn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park. both in the ‘Parish of St. Pancras, in the! County of Middlesex, the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the Cityjof Loudon, and Publishew! by them at No. 85, Fleet{Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in the City of

} | i

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January 12, 1861.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. — ll TESTATORS ALL ALIVE O! HE amiable and decorous | w habit in which certain jour- nals indulge, of sending a penny-a-liner to rummage out the Wills of persons reeently deceased, in order to the publication of the contents of such documents, is now gaining ground so fast, that Mr. Punch, ever airxious to be’ a-head of his agé, hay made his own ar- ravigements for adding aj gy) néw féaturé to journalism. He proposes to leave it to his inferiors to visit Doc- tors’ Commons, and to take, > furtively, forbidden notes when the jealous clerks are not looking, nor has he any idea of making surrep- titious arrangements with needy officials to sell information which they have no right to part with. He, according to his custom, takes a bolder course. He intends to furnish to an eager publie particulars concerning Wills while the Testators are still alive. For this purpose he has organised a staff of reporters, whom he means to call the Paul Pry Brigade, and he flatters himself that their researches into private papers will enable him to gratify the world, in the same way as, but in a much more exciting degree than his Will-publishing contemporaries do. He submits afew specimens of what the Paul Pry Brigade has already accomplished. If it be objected that this is an unwarrantable imperti- nence, and a vulgar meddling with thé affaits with which the public has nothing to do, he begs to leave thé defenee of the system to his contemporaries, who originated it. WILLS. We are happy to announce that Jaremica Humsie Joms.ez, Esq, of the Regent’s Park, has at last been induced to make his Will. It was executed on Tuesday, in the presence of his maid-servant, and J°° SmirH, greengrocer and occasional waiter at private parties. We think he ought to have done more for Mrs. HumBie JUMBLE, who may have her faults, and whose teeth aré certainly false (we do not believe that she paints), but who ought to have af the bulk of his property. He gives her only £800 a year, and adds the cowardly condition, that if she remarries, she is to have but £400. The rést of his estate goes to his so-called nephew, WospLeton Wixks, of the War Office, who may be said to be in luck, and who will now, we hope, pay his unfor- tunate tailors (we use the plural advisedly), and take his grandmother’s watch out of pawn. There are a few legacies, but Mr. Humsie JUMBLE does not appear to us to have one of those hands described by our immortal Bard, we refer to the sweet Swan of Avon, as open to melting charity, for his cousin the tallow-chandler gets nothing, and though he is in the habit of talking a good deal about the poor, we have reason to believe that there are few bequests to the excellent institutions with which our noble Metropolis is so plentifully studded. He leaves £50 to the Zoological Gardens, perhaps from his admiration of the manners of the bears, and £50 to the Society for Relief of Complaints of the Ear, which his friends playfully say is but right, considering what an awful bore he is. On the whole, wé cannot think that this Will does the testator much credit, but he has yet time to amend it by acodicil. Verbum sap. Mrs. Lusuineton Biack Boruersy’s Will has been made more than two years, but owing to the unfortunate incorruptibility of her lady’s maid, we regret fo say that we have not yet been able to obtain a sight of it, though we know that it is kept in the lid of her dressing- case. But we have secondary eyiderice of its contents, and shall not be a hundred miles from the fact, if we say that a certain handsome Captain in a crack regiment will not be so grateful to the “old girl” as he gives his brother officers reason to think he ought to be. s. B. has been lending a favouring ear to the unctuous addresses of an elegant diviné whose chapel is within easy réach of her house at Peckham, and though we all know that the ¢lergy scorn personal bequests, the Rev. OnrckN Banc may not be displéased to know that if he likes to rebuild St. Vitus’s, he will in due tine be able to do 80, and if not, he may apply £5000 according to his own discretion. The lady does not intend to “‘die and endow a college or a cat,’ but she presents a handsome sum to a retired housekeeper, who is to take charge of a favourite parrot (we hope that we do nof intrude into private matters in stating that its name is “ Bopsy’’) and is to hear it say, “Pwinkle, twinkle, little star,” every Sunday, and we may also add, that the respectable sman who supplies Mrs. B. with her false hair will find something beyond the amount of his bill set down for him, LifuTENANT BiareR Brazes, R.N., Ramsgate, has long been in such a state of brandy-and-water that his friends who know his gouty tendencies have been affecti@nately dirxious that he should make his ill. But his confirmed habit of shying the boiling tea-kettle at any- body who makes him a suggestion has soméwhat interfered with their penis this consideration upon him. However, on Wednesday last e had a bad touch, and his Doctor la¥ing put every missile out of reach of the gallant and érippled Lieuten#it, told him what his friends thought. As soon as the torré#if of seawéloquence which burst out in full flow had subsided, Lisv?. Brazes feliéved his mind with a few supplementary execrations, addressing his medical attendant by the affectionate title of a slimy did lubber, ordered him to note down heads for a Will. It was briéf, pa ave Peeing to the Royal Naval College, except £100 to the Doctor, av to a lady of Ports- mouth, whose alias it might be imprtadent t6 disclose. The Will was y made; and thé Lieutenant has sa6 dpon it éver since; but as it does not exactly harmonise with thé viéws of thé testator’s next of kin, we belié¢ve that efforts will bé made #6 withdtaw it from under him. Should these succeéd, dur féaders shell be informed. There are whispers of a duplicate ‘Will, iff which Gasé thé éxertions of the relatives may not méet with the féward they déservé, : Mrs. Samus. Sorrnean, widéW, formerly ManeMOISELLE ALIcAM- PANE, of the theatres, has just Made her Will, whiéh she had long, from ~o—s motives, refiiséd to do, buf té which she has been driven by the untiistakeable | rama of some Spirit-Rapping with which she has lately been m troubled. r hutmiérous bequests would océupy t606 large a spaéé if our column# for ts to give them at length, bit thé public has @ fight to know that oné who formerly earned hér livifig on the boar as not been @ilite whmindful of the companions of her youth. Té Mi, Sriu?reR, the celebrated tragedian, she gives a fring, and the samé fo Mr. SinNiws, the well-known harlequin. She bequeathes £100 to the Epicuté#ai Club, to buy a picture, in memory of the fact that standing on its steps, out of the rain, she first mét the laté Mr. Samuet SorrH#Ap, who offered her his umbrella that day afid his heart the next. She gives three dozen of her best brandy to an eminent dramatic author, with her French dictionary, and a complete edition of the Thédtre Parisien, The rest of her legacies are to persons whom she play- fully calls “*My Touds,”.and for whom she says she will find holes during the rest of their lives. We do not know, and therefore cannot say, whether the fashionable Dr. Boven Croucuer will like being included in this list, but a plaster of £500 may reconcile that worthy disciple of GALEN to the titlhe—‘‘ What’s in a name?” as the lady her- self would say. She gives all her physic bottles, many hundreds in number, to her maid, Prana JonEsS, and her wigs to Miss Ocueron, of the Royal Amethyst Theatre. We are happy to add, for the | information of the public, that Mrs. 8. is very well, that her signature is distinct, and that the only orthographic error in a codicil, in her own hand, is that in naming Mr. Scraper, her corn-cutter, she calis him that palarvering old cheer-up-odist. SECESSION AND SLAVERY. Seceng, ye Southern States, secedé, No better plan could be, If you of Niggers would be freed, ‘To set your Niggers free. Rumaway slaves by federal law At present you réclaim ; So from the Union straight withdraw, And play the Free Soil game. What, when you’ve once thé knot untied, Will bind the Northern men! And who’!l résign to your cowhide The fugitives again ? Absquotilate, then, slick as grease, And break up Unity, Or take yout PkestpENT in peace, And éat your humble pié. But if your stomachs proud disdain, That salutary meal, ; And you, in passion worse than vaia, Mast rend the Comnronweal, Then all tvankind will jest and scoff At people in the case, Of him that hastily cut off His nosé to spite his face. Tue Smatiest or Germans.—The infamous serviliiy of the Saxon Government, in giving up TeLexr to the Austrian tyrant, makes us , half ashamed of the name of Anglo-Saxon. { VOL, XL, pier

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 12, 1861. LATEST IMPORTATION IN SWEETS. RAHAT LAHKOUM, OR LUMPS OF DELIGHT! SAXON LAW IN CANADA. Waar a pity it is that magnetic connection between England and North America remains to be established. It is much to be wished that the wire destined to unite the Mother Country and her American Colonies were at the bottom of the sea, in its new coat of Srtver’s India-rubber, and in working order; for then the Canadian Govern- ment might be rescued from the imminent peril of undertaking a load of infamy as heavy and as noisome as that which crushes and befouls the Court of Saxony. It is a fact that two British American Judges, Carer Justice Rosinson and Justice Burns, Judges of the Canadian Court of Queen’s Bench, have actually decided for the extradition of ANDERSON, the man of colour who stabbed a fellow named Seneca T. P. Dicexs pursuing and trying to capture him as a fugitive slave in Missouri, more than seven years ago. Awnpsxson killed this villain in self-defence, and Ropinson and Buxns would surrender him as a murderer! These men—at poet two of Her Magesty’s Judges—virtually recognise the egality of slavery in disallowing the right of an escaped slave to defend his liberty. They have decided for delivering up this mulatto to cpa ig who, if they get him, will probably burn him alive with green wood. Justice M‘Lxaw has kept his ermine sweet and clean. He dissented from the monstrous opinion of his colleagues, on the ground that the evidence against the accused was insufficient. An appeal was applied for by AnpERson’s Counsel; and the case may ultimately be brought before the Privy Council in England, which, it is enough to say, among its members includes Lorp BroveHam. The Colonial Government may thus be saved from defiling itself with the abomination of Saxony. But then, on the other hand, the application for an appeal may fail, and ANDERSON may be soon writhing and roasting in a slow fire, whilst Missourian savages are yelling and dancing around the stake. Were the submarine wire now extending between the Home and Canadian Governments, the unhappy man might, by a flash of tele- graphic lightning, be saved from the clutches of the infuriated fiends to whom he may be consigned by the sentence of Cuier Justicz Rosrnson and the other Justice, ominously named Burns. In one of its senses the word Tradition means treason. If anything in the Treaty of Extradition with the United States warrants the doom which those judges have pronounced on ANDERSON, then is extradition, in so far, a word that means extraordinary treason, and the diplomatists who conceded it were traitors of the deepest dye. HERE WE ARE! (CLOWN’S CHRISTMAS CAROL.) Herz, once more, kind friends, we meet ; One and all of you I greet ; With a pleasure that’s beyond expression, far ; What a year of dark and wet We have had since last we mef, It has been severe, but yet: ere we are! Some astronomers do say, Summer’s heat from orb of day ‘That a mass of meteoric ice did bar; Whether that was so or not, If I know, may I be shot ; But I say, I tell you what: Here we are ! Under cloudy skies and showers, With the worst of reigning powers, =—s—iy We have seen brave fellows wage victorious war : GaRIBALDI made the son Of old Bomsa cut and run; There’s the Porg, too, nearly done : Here we are! Leaving Italy and Rome, Now suppose we look at home, esti. 4 Where sweet Freedom we’ve preserved like jam in jar. For our liberty some fears Being whispered in our ears, With a host of Volunteers, | Here we are ! Some have tried to brew a storm On the subject of Reform, : But they couldn’t raise the wind, for all the S/ar. Ly sufficient for the day ~ ° as the Treaty, and for aye Rising Income-Tax to PRY ere we are! We’ve been thrashing the Chinese, ! For the sake of cheaper teas, , Which have cost us many a soldier, many a tar. An Ambassador, Pekin | May we soon have living in, To tell every Mandarin : Here we are ! Then the heir of England’s QuzEN hrough-America has been Cheered like victor on sublime triumphal car, Home again, in spite of gales Which were adverse to your sails, Hail, my bonny Prince or Wats, Here we are ! For the present, here are we, And I wish we here may be In the number of our years above Old Parr; But, away when we have gone, May Old Kngland still hold on, Shouting, ever and anon, Here we are! THE PETTICOAT EMPIRE. Ir is confidently asserted that the visit with which the Empress Eveénrg honoured this country in 1860 will be repeated in 1861. In anticipation of this felicitous event, the linendrapers of England are organising a subscription with a view to the presentation of a testi- monial to her Imperial Majesty, together with an appropriate address, setting forth the gratitude entertained by the trade towards the Empress oF THE Frencu and the Fashions, for having ordained the wearing of dresses which require, to make them, three times as many yards as could possibly be allowed, by any regard to comfort, economy and elegance, united with any sense of the ridiculous. A NOTE AND QUERY FOR KING THWAITES, We want to know (and the bearer waits for an answer) if your Sub- terranean and Serene Majesty could inform us whether a Sewer derives any particular gratification, when it’s being diverted ?

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January 12, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ARIVARL, — a ee ~~ CONSOLATION. Emily (to rejected Subs), “It’s very DisaGREEABLE, CERTAINLY,’ TO BE UNSUCCESSFUL IN YOUR EXAMINATIONS, AND 80 MANY TIMES, TOO; BUT I SHOULD WORK HARD AND TRY AGAIN.” Younger and much too sharp Brother, ““NeveR you mInD, CHARLEY! you!” Ir PROVES THAT THERE’S NO WANT oF PLUCK azour THE WORKING-MAN’S CRIB AND HIS CLUB. ** Mr, Poncs,’ “ As a brittish Publican I inwoke you to punch the eds of them there sarm-smiters which is a rendern of theirselves obnockshus hereabouts by injury to Bisnis. 2 year ago a lot o blessed benevolent , beggars with that are ApeLinge Coorer wun of the Nitingal sort took and bort hup the Wun Tun witch it was wunce a sellybrated Ouse of Call for Theaves and turnd it into a Reged Scoole. Now theaveses munny is as good as Hany Huther and no reson wy i shud be robed of my custumers. Whereas now the same Sett not content with their Raged scool, Day, hevening, Sunday Scools, Muthers’ Meetin, Ragged Church, and band of Oap, bredin up the young uns in ens and Chastity which is kevite enuff i _— to Trade, they ’ve Now bin and Started a consarn called ‘The Working Men’s Club’ witch i Coppy the title froma Anbill, Them tuther institooshuns afected honly the Kidds and the Wimmin but this here un’s ment to ketch the Menn. "Tis to be.a Clubb and Reedin Room, comojus and wentilated and all that with the ixpres Vu of makin hof it as cumfertable as the Public es. There—that shows the sperrit that’s at the botum of it. They ’ve got a comitty of wurkin Menn a dozen of ’em wot manidges the Afairs of the Clubb. The scripshun is only one apeny a Weak to sute the puverty of the districk witch the Clubbus is in Duke Lane Vestminster, hopposite Old Pye street. Theyve got a Libery, daly and weakly Papers—punch among em I dessay. Lecters is to be give there—they cums the Morral and Sientiffic Dodge, to Improve the Lag win and spiritial condishun of the poor. There’s no less than Six Public Ouses alreddy in the Immediate naburood which perwides it with Sperrits; and there’s too more to be opend but wot for if they are to be cut Hout by this ere Wurkin Menn’s Clubb and Redin Room Hopen hevery Hevenin in Duck Lane Sundays included witch for hany ee places = Ouses to be hopen on Sunday is allowed by arliment to be a Desiccation of the Sabbath. “Now Mr. Punch I ope as the publican’s friend you’ll set your Face agin this here Workin Menn’s Clubb. The necessary Funds for to cary Hon the same is not all subscribed Yett tho moast on it is. That are old Spuny the Marxis 0 VEstMINSTER guv 80 pound—and huther Knobs ave cum forrad and down with the Dust. But unlest the Workin Menn sports it in coarse the thing wil go to Smash; so just you Pitch into it will yer like a good feller. Tell em to dispize imitatin the Swels, with their garricks and Reforms and conservativs and Ragg and Fammishes and its yure opinyun there’s nuthin for the wurkin Menn like the good old public ouse where e can heat is tripe and Smoak is pipe and tiple is nogin of beer gin or wot not, and rede the Papers into the Bargin, until e reads ’em dubble, and so go ome cumfable to the buzzum of is Fammaly. But has for Workin Menns Clubbs wot’s to be ixpected of Clubbs but the Means for Wurkin Menn to Bete their Wives. Explane that there to ’°em Mr. Punch and oblidge yure dilidgent and obeadiant reeder, The Slums Vesminster Jan. 1861.” “Pui. Ports.” “ P.S. As lessee of one of the public ouses goin to be opend again the Opposishun Shopp I see they’re a goin to suply corfy et settrer cost prise at that Hinstitooshun. I wunder if et settrer menes beer, good and cheap. Give ’em that at Wurkin Menns Clubs, and they ’ll shut us up in notime. Hif they does that we’re flumoxd!” Two Hints. O Srarzs of the West, do relinquish your maggots, Keep bound fast and tight, like the bundle of Faggots, The more that no faggots (or smaller or bigger) _ Will be wanted for burning our prisoner, your Nigger. UNCH. “A Giowrne Periop.”—One of Wiscount VILLIaMs’s, such as would have the effect of setting the Thames on gas Sper 4 we suspect a period like that will be very far distant, indeed. We will wait.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Jasyany 12, 1961. THE PEASANT’S PETITION: Tue Petryon or THe Bartish Peasant 0 THz Baise Laptop, Humpty Comrtaingyg Suowgrn uwze xouR Hoxour, Tuat Your PB liberty (for a Bn? etitioner ventured poan, tbe i “so Ge ial ethno tone er at he sole of that it and he he Sense, ior ds 43 » in Your onour’s bayenely vlagss yen eailated is eaeliaetiy aa {pa = a = That he Asano im oe had (contre fo itioner’s ) STA es are li nO Py gr) That Your Peti ho them. You ease therefore, for himself, his wife, four grown-up children, and five little ones, Humbly prayeth unto Your Honour, THAT YOU WILL BE GRactovsix PiEasep zo Tazat Him Lrxe a Horse. And your Petitioner will ever Pray and Work, &c., &c. A LAMENT OF THE SEASON. Br An Ox Box. valli + ee ming-pens— i wi cryin asf I was young, But waves 4 4 now ’tis Pisa’ ; ith red-fire fumes for air ; and pit-falla— eee and role, Where are the joys of {Pantomime I knew in days 0 The poker- hab the evel -slide— The Tha a own opens at baad a yee eee whee Then Columbine was something sprains” Clown’s ts had no bottom ; Piyee inet uma sounds ! sey a Rema lis lamely in to justify The down-trod we are 1” : sd Gone some slaps and cuffs, . ye tpn phn a sl . But sins and s ays no more, | As in the early days. " The enn ’s , Sone ji Columbine, 5 ings of te iniet steeak "hes of Take = Your gold dk silver tinsel, Your foil and whirling wheels, Your fires of =e red green or blue, Till my _ brain-pan reels, One transformation trick alone left, and that, I ween, Is to 42 trapafors, hy y leaving out, Transformation scene. “By area tsin the Chinese TAL A tea Maye wil dl believed ake . bee creas as Ne t of ees atl bean they vo sald bate thes brown HBO Turks ana Fraitors, THe Gable Porte, a. i 1840, vetoed to e ) pegamanas of the and basses 1 ey dis the Sublime py not always

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«i NVTd AW S.LVHL “INGNLVGUL ANIM AGNV “ALM anv “00d JO LSHX AHL ‘NOIWVIIINTA GNV GOVNIVUC LOAAUAd “LHOIT JO ALINATd ‘SAXOM AUIV ‘NVHTIO “AOIN “HONOd “UW ‘SHA,, ‘CHoTaNwy] “ATaV IS WAL a <7 ba, te “~~ thy

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eid ya \ SSS TENE NY a Y *AN, ~~ > ae <= eg, : a i SS St Iw ‘~ “aN ~ y ii THE COTTAGE. Mr. Puncn (ro Lanptorp). “ YOUR STABLE ARRANGEMENTS ARE EXCELLENT! SUPPOSE YOU TRY SOMETHING OF THE SORT HERE! EH?”

ex. Exetel a"

| «i NVTId AW S.LVHL ‘INANLVAYL AGNIY ONY STITIVM |

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January 12, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIYARI. 19 LA GLOIRE AND LA CRINOLINE, In the Times’ account of the Jaunch of The Warrior there occurs the subjoined passage relative to her rival, La Gloire ;-— ‘The speed of Za Gloire has been stated to be twelve knots. Now, if the state- of one of her officers is to be believed (an officer, too, thoroughly acquainted th her engines), the ytmost speed that has been obtained from her bag been short of eleven knots, and at this speed the vibration of the stern was so considerable, that it was e t fe ay armour plates would all work loose if it was long maintained. to knots bstantial supper, ar ‘ie are in real an hour is stated to be her utmost average speed, and | 2 considered as a high rate fora ship of such size and weight. None deny the fact that in a sea-way La Gloire rolls almost dangerously. In fact, iron: frigates must roll slowly and deeply, if in their construction especial pains are not taken to guard against such a defect." Za Gloire ought to be a caution, as our American friends say, to all iron-clad frigates; and especially to La Crinolime. The speed of La Crinoline is seriously diminished by the extensiye ribs of metal which constitute the framework of her iron-hound sides, Especial pains must be taken with the construction of her iron clothing, to prevent her from rolling in a dangerous manner, or at least to counteract her disposition to roli as she floats along. Otherwise we shall certainly have her, one of these fine days, erixsing works I the beholders, in consequence of the vibration for which she is as remarkable as La Gloire. ANOTHER SHADOW PANTOMIME. In reward for having been an exceedingly good boy, and especially for haying shown such virtuous self-denial as to decline on Christmas Day a fourth helping of plum-pudding, Master Sm—rH (the name may be familiar to our readers, but still we do not feel ourselves at_liberty to publish it) was last week taken as a treat by his benevolent Papa to see the Shadow Pantomime at the Crystal Palace, Being strongly impressed with the wonders he beheld there, and having like most boys an imitative disposition, Master 8m-TH, on coming home, determined to get up a shadow pantomime himself, and to exhibit it upon the boards, or walls, of his own nursery. Appointing Master J-y-s lis machinist and stage carpenter, and Master Br-wn his gasfitter, pro- perty-man and yabry oe 3 (which three offices, there being neither gas nor prompting, and ] deemed fully —— to fill), Master Samra reserved the heavier labours to himself, and undertook, with the assistance of his sister and the baby, to do the scene-painting and managing, and to write the piece, The pen-work being considered quite a secondary matter, it will of course be left to be knocked off at the last moment, in the manner now adopted on the modern stage; the usual plan requiring, for the guidance of the dresser, the author to sketch roughly two or three of the chief characters, having a due eye to the state of the wardrobe, so as not to put the management to unnecessary expense. The piece not being yet enough advanced for a rehearsal, we are unable of course to give an accurate account of it. So far as we can learn, the Introduction, in accordance with the fashion of late years, Mea gn less of eg pantomime than o broad burlesque. One of the scenes, we hear, will be on Ramsgate pier, where Miss Sm-TH was last season nearly carried out to sea, owing to a stiff Sou” Wester which was blowing, and which inflated her stiff petticoat like the top of a balloon, A small skye terrier that was with her had his hair blown over his eyes so tliat he could not see, and had not his mistress taken him in her arms, there is reason to believe he ‘would have walked over the side, and come ie what a farce-writer has termed a watery ier. The unities of time and place will apparently . ™ be set quite at defiance by the author, for in the aren't they andi poot Dos Tray; following scene a shadow-slide is shown upon the pavement, and from Ramsgate in the dog-days we find ourselves transported to London in mid-winter. A great effect is here expected to be caused by the sudden apparition of an awful Beadle (father of Columbine, and changed to Pantaloon), who, emerging round a corner, puts to flight the sliders, wt aang Be. so fat he run a strike a tragic attitude, an “ = boys “behoff!” - é harlequinade of course will be full of life and bustle, and will contain the at passing follies and ook estes eae, whe 1a didoneh t vial ‘ d Sigidbipegii Wl eppeaeety Be te ae eeete Ben terran bor shee gaged all her iron-works loose, to the derision of | C Little Girl in. i Little Crinoline, froeks and with he scareely could Ano’ champagne and be stuffed with sickening sweet thin The silly fashion too of ‘rention | them to will be shadowed forth in darkest colours; and a dignaglike black dose in hit d will ris mi warning, in the ing a8 a scroll, the label tothe bo Coming events cast their shado Te i too, 70! be male relent a attemp to take off the ; us absurdities of dress wherewith, 1 A ie visiting, children often now are tortured: for MasTER tar ng that what with it is not a bit dumb wh as thi with a Brob- e by of the banquet, ttle, An. when short t Oline the little girls at his last’ soirée looked so much like teetotums that train himself from giving them a twizzle. him he declares, by photographic bi ik hin Clown gets his ereat lown appears may make another frial, a his in camera has : than Clown - out of the S” P oon who been pouching Artist hides gives hima studio, while all the “portraits” in the p a age Feo proclaims they are e silhouettes which Th mitted us to publish, will afford notion of his s hadow pantomime, which with the artist both. lace, hoists them on “Hicu Art.” . sTER SM-TH has per- *"'5,25 Artist who is the world some To take Clown’s Portrait for a Shilling. modesty of authors, he quite expects will throw all rivals in the shade- These pilhoustiep, he tells us, are se ay by , but we believe it was ut yery little property, that young gentleman was | = aN aN wn pictures the occurrence of a mestic incident which will at once be recog- nised as being true to} life, detection and the usual street scrimmage will ensue Here you see Policeman Glutton Walking off with Matton. Pa’s Cold will as a bonneted man is sure to mak — adel gen g Le not M—TH’s will be abundantly : and , shadow-dance, the curtain will descend upon a blaze of triumph, and the pantomime will be pronounced (by him) the “best of the season,” as every pantomime in London every season is. AS DIFFERENT AS BLACK AND WHITE. Tue following correspondence has resulted from the President’s Message -— end is tink ‘the Matrons of de Sonth’ am berry . me you tink ‘ irons of de Sonth’ am of niggahs. Now, bein’ de moder ob twelve L “* Mas’r Leegree’s, Old Swamp Plantation, Mobile, fine darkies, I tink I is ’cidedly a Matron ob de South—an’ I ’sure you nedder I nor Aunt J0RO, who am de moder ob oa dis ere plantation, don’t feel nohow nervous *bout de Abolition of ‘Mas’r President, Washinton.” ** Mapa “On consideration, it might, I the white ss Mes * Goll “ Mas’r President ', Washinton.” Tue Puseyi “| ene auhgect burning. Oi been wont to wear in the pulpit, by sending them to the Poor Old Stamp.” y, Mas’x Bucuaway, I tink so too, Your ’f il. m, nor no matron > * Aunt Saux.” * White House, Washington, think, have been as well to say iii 0 “James BucHANAN.” “ Old Swamp. Ii. A Surplus for Poor Parsons. understand, adopted a resolution on a Fee. ca ie de HL to be cut shirts for nec “ Aunt Sauiy” ve rgy >t up into

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" 20 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. — [January 12, 1861. JocosE Frenp. ‘‘ Ah, Sir, you was wery nearly down that time!” FRANCE AND THE FASHIONS. We wonder whether, now that one can ) he France without a pass- ‘Epwin bre often be asked by AnceLina to take her over to Paris to see what the new fashions ‘are, whether bonnets are worn spoon-shaped or @ /'écaille d’huitre, whether Crinoline shows any symp- tom of decay, and whether flounces may be added'to hide creases in the skirts. The Queen of Fashion clearly holds her Court in Paris, and thither must her votaries month by month repair to learn what it may please her to order them to wear. How omnipotent her sway is everybody knows, but we own we had not learnt until a recent writer ht us that sentiment and fashion go sometimes hand in hand, and friendship is displayed with the show of a new toilet. This at least we take for granted from this interesting passage in the J/lus- News, and we so much value the knowledge it imparts that we will not censure the mild pun with which it opens :— “* Of all the Paris fashions the most Parisian is the custom of wishing a ‘Happy New Year,’ a which trenches far upon the month of January, and renders that month remarkable for demonstrations of toilet and friendly sentiment.” The compliments of the season are doubtless different in France to what they are with us. In England one is satisfied with wishing you as Christmas and a PpPy New Year;” whereas in Paris han my the proper thing to do when one makes a morning call upon he First of January is to forge some well-turned compliment upon the sit of one’s friend’s dress, or to say that her new bonnet most charm- ingly mes_her. ladies go to church to show off their new so in France they call on friends for a mene not dissimilar. Such visits are no doubt productive of some pleasure, or they would not be persisted in. Indeed the female mind delights in giving cause for envy, and if Mapams Gros pe Napugs can but feel that her new plumage has left a pang of jealousy in some few of her bosom friends, she —— doubtless view her morning as by no means an ill- spent one. ' It is, however, sgmewhat curious to note with what precision the writers on the fashiovis know what is right to wear, and how imperious on the point are the mand of the miliners. We suppose that no one even in the first society‘would ever dare to dress herself except by their advice, or in any way to att against the regulations following :— “The New Year's visits of 1861 are to be paid in neat and quiet costume, both as regards dresses and bonnets. The former must be new and the latter fresh. The stuffs now pom: aera for winter wear are robes de fantasie, plain or brocaded : eee of poplin are also in favour. Merinos are almost entirely dis- for the present season, on account of their flaccidity.” . Ladies with scant pin-money or parsimonious hubbands, and who >. dress cif may not have a “new and “fresh” bonnet in their wardrobes, must not dream this season of paying New Year’s calls, but must sit and sigh at home in unfashionable wretchedness. With regard, how', ever to bonnets we are not sorry to learn that :— “The fashions for bonnets are just now sufficien’ lar to all for thi display of individual taste. The ceaectemn toncatteente fet a dhapinn ane | ph meyer “on Kepe enye lo of the face, not add to the years of the This certainly is news to us, and vastly pleasant news too. Hitherto we have conceived that ladies dressed entirely by the dictates of their milliners, and were not allowed to exercise their private taste and judgment. The proper thing to do was to walk into a shop, and aving there learnt what was worn, unquestioning to order it. No matter if the fashion were suitable or not to her peculiar person, every lady, we supposed, was held bound to conform to it. Upon no other ground at least could we comprehend the fact of the wondrously ill- chosen and ill-suiting dresses seen here. But now we joy to learn, as far as bonnets are concerned, ladies will be suffered to display their own good taste, and we may depend that they will soon look all the prettier for it. We have long considered it an insult to their intellect that they should submit to the caprices of their dressmakers. And as for their requiring to be told what are the “most important require- ments for a chapeau,” (why can’t the man say “bonnet?”) trust a woman for insisting that her bonnet should sit well, and not make her look older one whit than she can help it. é One other brief extract, and we have done for the present with this interesting subject :-— ‘* We must briefly allude to the new petticoat, the jupon multiple as it is very pro- perly called, for it may be made to take the dimensions of two, three, four, or five petticoats, as occasion may require, although but one article of dress. For this it is only necessary to add or take away so many layers of muslin, which can be attached or abstracted with the greatest facility.” A petticoat which is capable of expansion to the size of four or even five, must be viewed as an alarming article of dress. Who knows but that ladies before going to a party might conspire with one another to enter somewhat limp, and gradually. to swell out as the evenin advanced? Conceive the consternation of the male people assemble on finding themselves more and more squeezed and blockaded, with- out any Sy addition to the company. If the jupon multiple be patronised in England (and, if popular in Paris, it is pretty sure to be so) we shall expect to hear that ladies when they issue invitations will specify precisely the exact amount of Crinoline they wish their guests to wear, so as to fill their rooms and not to overcram them. If this result be gained we shall certainly be tempted to give praise to this new pet- | ticoat, and every soirée that we go to, we shall bless its kind inventress. People who declare the days of Crinoline are numbered may not be encouraged much by what we have just told them. If supons can be made to multiply five-fold, the shadow of wide skirts does not seem likely to grow less. But at any rate there will be some slight conso- lation in the thought that their wearers will be able to contract them- selves at pleasure, or as “occasion” (justly personated by their husbands or their parents) may sensibly “‘require.” . SERENADE. To be Sung in a Slouched Hat and Spanish Cloak, with a Guitar, and a Flute obbligato, Tue words printed in italics in the following Song are intended to represent the accompaniment of wind and stringed instruments :— List, ANGELINA, list! For the stars are shining bright, And they say to you, Oh—/ootle-tootle-too, ANGELINA dear, Good-night ! The heron has gone to rest = On the banks of the Tweed-le deedle-dee, And the thrush and the linnet Have flown this minute To the tree, to the ¢um-tum tree! , This, diddle-dum, diddle-dum, This, diddle-dum, diddle-pido, This is the melodie Of your fond Fino! Refrain appassionato, List, ANGELINA, list ! ? For the stars are shining bright, They say to you Oh-footle-tootle-too ; They cry to thee Oh-tootle-tootle-tee ; Diddle-diddle-diddle-dear, Good-night ! Fasting the Whole Hog. Mr. Bucuanan recommends a Solemn Fast as an expedient for averting the calamity of disruption with which the American Union is threatened. To eat no vic and go to meeting, may be a salutary ce for repentant sinners; but does Mr. BucHanan expect to erive much advantage from abstinence from meat, unaccompanied by abstinence from cruelty to negroes ?

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Januaky 12, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. KTVawy 2aAd | oD ‘| y ME —— % My) PT. NY A \ \\\\\t Ww \ \\\ \\ AN AVEDA WINN a tee SSS \NIEETTANS Ni a \OURARLEARS bee WAV aye eceens \\ TASALY AK .\ Ys SS SAS \ va } \ — Awana \AA\ ANY I a i \\ IGNORANCE . NOT BLISS. Look at these two Foreigners in at McBannock's in Regent Street, with Scotch Bread, and Bath Buns, and Cheesecakes, and Raspberry Three Corners; Oh, and lots of other jolly things on the counter, to think of their choosing Crumpets—COLD CRUMPETS! Ha! Ha! MR. PUNCH’S NEW YEAR'S GIFTS. Fottow1ne, with due loyalty, the excellent example of Her Masesty THE Queen (where can ere be found a better one to imitate ?), Mr. Punch, on New Year’s Day, satin state at his own Home Office to super- intend the distribution of his New Year’s Gifts. Among the fortunate recipients of his Royal bounty, Mr. Punch has only space to specify the following :— To Lorp Etern was presented (7oby acting as his proxy) a copy of Mr. Punch’s Thousand and Fifteenth Number, containing the Cartoon of St. Gzorcz Dergateyc THE Cuinese Dracon, together with a copy of Mr. Punch’s last week’s Number, which contains a well-turned epigram upon the service that his Lordship has done the British State. To Lory Cowxey was despatched a new carving-knife and fork, it being considered that his old ones must by this time be worn out by his Lordship’s hospitalities. To Lorp Jonn Russet was presented a draft of a Reform Bill, — that no Member should speak twice in a Session, excepting y the sanction of the Censor, Mr. Punch. To the EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH was sent apicture of The Warrior, that he might have it framed as a companion to La Gloire. To his Holiness the Pore Mr. Punch sent his last Volume, which, being the mouthpiece of the English nation, would show the sympathy existing in the English mind. To Viscount Witi1aMs was presented an article on Cheeseparing, composed for the Hconomist, but rejected by that print. To Genera Garratpi Mr. Punch despatched a sword for the + or gaa campaign, with ‘‘ Freedom of Italy” engraved upon the ade, To Mrz. Bricut was given a pair of rose-coloured spectacles, to enable him to take less jaundiced views of things than he hitherto has one. To Mr. Hunan was presented a promise of copper, and a hint that the rebuilding of his fortunes had commenced. Mr. Huttas, every singer ought to know, has lost his hall, and the least that one | can do is to do the most one can for him. DR. M‘HALE, Ain—“ Allen-a-Dale.” Dr. M‘Hate has no faggot for burning, Dr. M‘Hatse has no vassals for spurning, Dr. M‘Hate has no credit for losing, Dr. M‘Hate has no power for abusing ; But Dr. M‘Haxe has the hoighth of foine writing, And a pen that beats any shillelagh for fighting, And the rabidest newspaper-hack might grow pale, With envy in reading great Da. M‘Hats. Lay scribblers some semblance of But Dr. M‘Hace without fuel m Equal rights, equal laws ievance require, ier peaiees: other grumbiers appease, But M‘Hate’s only rendered more rabid by these ; “Forget and forgive,” is the Christian creed, But M‘Haxz rubs old sores till they fester and bleed ; CaRLISLE may grow crusty and PALMERSTON quail, Encount’ring St. Jarlath’s grim lion, M‘Hate. Old England has bigots—her Stowetts & Co., Teselionel Beoounen, _- Dyesema soni ng as pens dipped in sectary’s gall, With the-Record, sweet print, to find room for them all ; But what bigot from pulpit or platform e’er stormed, Theologicum odium what pen ever warmed, Like him and like his, that still pours the hot hail On the base bloody Saxon—great Dr. M‘Hare? Ollendorff's London. Wuat was the origin of “Queer Street?” We cannot tell, but in our ignorance presume it must have originated in the mistake of a Frenchman, who, living in Leather Lane, and not being able to pro- nounce it, used to say Cuir Street !

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THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [January 12, 1861, trust to hearing the word of command. But it’s very pleasant to have such an excellent excuse for an outing, and I have no doubt we shall all enjoy the ball this evening immensely.” Or this :— “Sixteenth East Clodshire—I’m sorry to hear you are not fitafly so attentive to your company drill as you ought tobe. My lrasband begs me to tell you that, till you’re up to that, it’s no use 2= | éttempting to practise light infantry movements. I should strongly “7 | ¥écotmend your Commanding Officer to lock up these bugles till A very neat Present for the Young Mother of a Letge Family of Small Children, and likely to be extremely useful at this Festive Season. NEW AIRS FOR VOLUNTEER BUGLES. Mr. Puncn, as the swori enemy of the trite and common-place, suffers sadly—in common with all England—-uader the wearisome repetition and palling sameness of the speeches with which his darlings, the Ladies of England, grace the bugles they present to the Rifle Volunteers of their respective neighbourhoods. He is never tired of the fair presenters of these martial instruments. There is no sameness about ¢hem/ From Mrs. Cartan Siasuer’s sloe-black eyes and raven locks, to Mrs. Cot. Gusuineron’s violet orbs and golden tresses, he revels in all the delicate shades of the Beautiful that lie between the bewildering brunette and the bewitching J/omde. Happy fellow! Has he not Roman noses and retroussés,—chiselled Grecian profiles and provocativé gipsy loveliness,—slim, slender, fawn-like races, and ripe, round, melting emdonpoint,—to disport among, as the Dutterfly sips at will through all the delicious varietiés of conservatory and flower-gardeti ? ; No! Mr. Punch wishes for no changé in the ladies; but he sadly desiderates a little change in their speeches. ho does not know the stereotyped form ‘—The hopé that this bugle, which, &c., may never sound except in, &c., &c., buf that if ever, &., &., then we feel sure that, &c., &., Ke... _. 2 , Mr. Punch, always thinking of the dear ladies, begs to suggest a few variations-on this eternal Volunteer Bugle air, as, for example :— “Volunteers of the Fourth Beefshire,—The ladies of the neighbour- hood having got up @ subscription to present you with a set of silver bugles (because it is the fashion to present silver bugles, and the ladies of Beefshire are determitied not to be behind the fashion), have requested me to maké a speéch on the occasion. It is a horrid bore; but as I’m your Commanding Officer’s wife, I can’t refuse,—and, after all, it’s pleasant t6 have a good réason for insisting on a pretty new bonnet. I am suré you are very smart fellows, and look wicommonly well in your uniforms. You shoot very fairly, I ’m told, atid go through your company and batfalion movements quite as steadily as can be expected. I’ve no doubt you wilt behave like Englishmer if ever you are py gt to fight, though I don’t think there’s the least chance of it—or I shouldn’t have been quite so ready to allow my husband to take the command of the corps. I’m afraid bugle-ealls, even when they are sounded on yd light infantry drill parades. if it ‘ever came to actual fighting, I don’t think, from all I can find out, Se there’s the least p Spatalit of bugle-calls being eithér unders or attendéd to; and I should recommend you, in such an event, by all means to leave these silver bugles at home, anid not many of you know the = | to invade this country, but they may; and if Cae | FOU ave likely Oa ’ré @ great déal smarter in poms extending and closing than you é@ shown yoursélves to-day; for I’ve not a doubt that, as you are, ot ma@ké a horrid mess of it if you were ordered out to ‘cover the if,’ OF t@ Occupy the ground as skirmishers. And as to bugle-calls, D eat as well ‘ whistle jigs to a milestone,’ as try to move you », Now go home, like goot fellows, and do try if you can’t & few whore thati fifteen to a contpauy in your battalion drills fiext quarter.” Or this :— _.“ Volaiiteers of Clodhoppington— We none of a8 Know what we are Z, likely t6, do till we’ve been tried. I dida’t thin I should ever have Gsorce—but I did. So1 don’t think thé French are likel i F do, I don’t thin to run away, but you might: I only } that if you do, Baglef will magoanimously refusé to sound ‘fhe fetreat’ on this ‘ $¢ h I’m afraid, if he should, Ke’ be liablé to be shot by thé Articlés of War.” * Of this :— ls . “Blowing one’s 6Wi frumpet is a higWly offensive practice. Perhaps, this matter of Vol@iiteeritg, we havé indulged a litile foo much in at stylé of gringry , Without saying what I og what I 1 suré of, | beg to Hand you the buglé we’ve subscribed for, and trast you ’li wiaké a 60d use of it.” SOMETHING LIKE A PEER. Mit. Stover Hersert is created a Péér, Nobody deserves the honour better than the able, indefatigable, eloquent, and courteous War-Seoretary, to whom Mr. Punch hereby liquors, and will be happy to see his Lordship to wet his coronet, wheuever he likes to call at. No, 85. Mr. Punch has heard, that, in playful allusion to the title civilly givéh to Mr. Hexpert by an ill-conditioned M.P., his Lordship thought of being called Lord Monster, but that the vicious pronun- ciation of a territorial aristo¢racy might have confounded him with Lorp Munster, which would have beeh awkward. Ualuckily, there ts a Lorp WILToN, unhappily known by his muflish patronage of street-organs, or that would have been the befitting name for Mr. Hersert. However, he must mind and take a title which Mr. Punch can rhyme to, as the latter and elder nobleman hopes to have several civil things to say of the later and younger one. A Daring Coup de Main. Can you fell us why a French glove-shop generally has the sign— Au Tour de Nesle ? No, unless it is a misprint, for as it is: the duty of the glove to bi round the fingers, the handier title would have been—Asfour des Nails. (We boldly challenge BaRon BRraMwent fo beat the above, STROUD CAN’T THROW HIM, Puncu likes what is plueky, and begs to repeat, Here’s a health to the Horsman who wil/ keep his seat, Questions for Juvenile Debating Societiés. Winn Mr. Ruskin lectures on drawiig, should we be justified in calling him a Stwmp-Orator ? If a pretty Young Lady talked foo much, would it be ungallant to admire her, but to qualify it by saying that her beauty was wn peu trop prononcé, DESTROYING THE ENEMY’S WORKS. Art the sack of the Emperor’s Palace at Pekin, a fimbért of valuable watches and clocks were destroyed. We supposé the soldiers did it as an amusement merely by way of killing time. THE UNITED EFFORT OF SIX ROYAL ACADEMICIANS. What colour is it that ¢ontdins sévéral? An Umber (@ number.) Ripptx FoR Tak SociAi Crrciz.—Whien is a Youtig Lady like a Poacher ? When she has her haif in a wet.

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January 19, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Skate Proprietor to Spectator with Wooden Leg. “‘’AvE a Pair on, SrR?—Ax YER | these two Potentates can meet ple PARDIN, StIR—DipDN’r Twia YER MisForTIN. I’vE A HODD ’UN YOU Sir!” | | THESE THINGS ARE AN ALLEGORY. We have waited patiently for some of our contempo- raries to point the moral of the launch of Zhe Warrior, but without effect. Mr. Punch therefore takes up his own = to point out the delicate compliment, and ingenious istorical suggestion, which the Admiralty authorities contrived to combine in the ceremonial which accompanied the introduction of the first of England’s fleet of Lronsides to Father Thames. It is not often that His Grace the Doxe or Somerset condescends to be complimentary, and Mr. Punch values the tribute to himself which he is about to record all the more because there are so few of the same kind where that came from. When the dog-shores were knocked away from The Warrior, she obstinately refused to move for a con- siderable time. Hydraulic presses and jack-screws were applied without effect. She treated with contempt the coercion both of water and iron. Who was she, that she should yield to the very elements which she had been built to defy? But at last, hawsers were laid out to a couple of tugs, and when we mention that the one tug was “The Napoleon,” and the other tug “ The Punch,” need -| we say that Zhe Warrior complied with the solicitations of the latter, and showed her sense of the influences of the former, by gracefully and grandly gliding into the bosom of the Thames, Yes, it was a pretty thought of their Lordships and shows a nice perception of the national sentiment. It is Napoteon and Punch together that have launched Zhe Warrior. If the former had not led the way with La Gloire, we should have had no Warrior. If the latter had not blown up the zeal of their Lordships, and kept alive the determination of the public, Zhe Warrior, might never have got beyond the stage of designs and specifications. As it is, “‘NaPoLEon tmpellente, et jubente Punch,” The Warrior is afloat at last. The facts must have remained, whether their Lordships had recognised them or not; but, we repeat, it was a graceful act of their Lordships to christen the two tugs which brought The Warrior into the water, |“ The Napoleon” and -“ The Punch.” It is not often that asantly, buc in this CAN HAVE, | operation of floating Zhe Warrior, Punch was for once | delighted to find himself alongside Naro.gon. MECHANICAL BABIES. Tue French, we know, are eminently a new-year’s-gift-presenting ople, and we therefore cannot wonder that advertisements of articles eemed suitable for presents should at this season be found in great numbers in their newspapers. Some of the things, however, are such preposterous absurdities that we cannot well conceive that any one would purchase them, especially if purposed for gifts du Jour de P An. For instance, we see notice of “un buby mécanique,’ which some in- ventive genius has ingeniously constructed, and which is warranted to crawl and walk and fight, and to be as great a nuisance as a real living baby very often is. We are informed by the advertisement that if we heard it cry on being put to bed we certainly should call it “wz petit diablotin,” and doubtless, in addition to its other charming quali- ties this “baby mécanique” can scream and squeal and squall as loudly as an infant of actual flesh and blood. Very clever certainly, but cui bono ? ‘we must ask. Are real babies getting so extremely scarce in Paris that mechanical contrivances are required to act as proxies? or are babies there esteemed such angels in a house, that husbands wish to have them perpetually in. it, and therefore fill their place by deputy when the real things are absent? But, wonder upon wonders, why are babies mécaniques expressly advertised as being suitable for presents? Is a baby such a luxury that nobody of prudence would go to the expense of it, any more than one would purchase the costly inutilities wherewith, as wedding presents, one’s drawing-room is decorated? Or can it be that these toy-babies are intended to be given out of spite by married people to their bachelor acquaintances, of whose freedom from annoyance they may possibly be envious ? However this may be, we think that the invention is quite worthy of our notice, and if it succeeds in a pecuniary point, we doubt not that competitors will speedily spring up. If the notion be worked out upon a rather larger scale, mechanical boys and girls perhaps may be con- structed, mature enough to play all sorts of pleasant pranks, from burning the knots in all the floors with the bright poker, to scratching names upon the windows, and waylaying the sweets between the store-room and the supper one, in the manner of the living enfants gatés et terribles who infest society at the present day. Meanwhile, we shall expect to hear that a mechanical prize baby show is started, where these advertising Frankensteins will exhibit all their monsters: and we would hint in all humility that the first prize should be given to the “baby mécanique” which shows itself the most unlike the average of life models. A baby that should never squeal on being looked at, nor squall on being washed, that should eat without a slobber and sleep without the constant surveillance of its nurse, that should take its auiseed as calmly as its pap, and never make its father get out of bed to rock it, or to dandle it about, that should cut its teeth without becoming fractious, and show no signs of tetchiness when handed round to kiss, that should not attempt to throw its mother into fits by choking itself daily with rapidity of suction, or by endeavouring to swallow its coral or its rattle or the watch that its big brother has been holding to its ear, or whatever other article, not meant for digestion, it can contrive to grasp,—such a baby clearly is not to be expected in the natural course of things, and if made by mechanism would only serve to show how wide a gulf there is between man’s nature and his art. * COUGH NO MORE!” A Great mistake is very often made in the treatment of coughs, which at seasons such as the present are very troublesome in families. The medicines prescribed for the relief of these distracting affections are generally sweetened, with a view to render them palatable. This is a great mistake. Instead of that, a cough mixture, especially if intended for children, ought to be rendered as nauseous as possible. Take of Compound Decoction of Aloes, Infusion of Gentian, Infusion of Senna, Vinegar of Squills, and Tincture of Assafcetida equal parts. Mix. A teaspoonful or less, according to age, to be taken whenever the cough is troublesome. Such is the influence of the mind over the body, that if this compound is promptly and rigorously administered, the most troublesome cough will, in many instances, very soon cease from troubling. A JOKE THAT ANSWERS FOR ITSELF, Why is Orchard Street pronounced soft ? Because the hard pronunciation would be Awk’ard, VOL, XL, D

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 19, 1861. FRESHWATER FRY. To the Editor of Punch. IR,— About Fresh- water Fish IE take this opportunity. of writing you @ few lines. are jolly good fried, ever so many at a@ time, § I’ve caught lots.every: * summer; but M Senior, tells me there are noi many near Londom, though, he says, sti¢klebacks. are plentiful, and he catches,no end, The stickleback is a little fish, about an ine’ in length when big, with. prickles whick stick. up. and shut down, ¥ou find it in almost all little streams and ponds. Breeding it must be very simple, for MILes says he has. pulled ’em ouk one after the other like fun at Barnea Con- mon, with a ereoked pin, a stick, and a string, from a hole where gravel had been dag to put on the railway and the water collected; so I sup- pose I came there. “Gudgeons are SSA : . : : 3 _. .. plummy, too, frizzled like sprats; and then there is the loach, not quite so big, which lies among the stones in brooks—a lanky mottled-looking thing, with wattles on its mouth. Some say it’s good, some poison ; but it looks too much like a water-eft for me to fancy it. Also the Miller's Thumb, sometimes called Bullhead, still nastier to look at, but some say is eatable as well, about two or two inches and a half lon , in colour like a toad on the back, with a big head, a wide mouth, and a in the back of his head, which also the Loach has. I never eat one of them neither, but have often ¢ ’em for fun, with a worm or a caddis ; and if you like to try any, 1’ll send you some next holidays,—but these being Christmas, I devote my attention to sliding and skating on the ice instead of fishing in the water, because that is. frozen. But I have knocked over some larks and blackbirds, and caught several sparrows in a brick-trap, not to mention cock-robins; but freshwater fish are now out of season, and though 1 consider all’s fish that comes to net, I leave netting to my sisters, who are always at it, for L’ve other fish to fry, though no minnows at present. But now I must auaetn hoping you and Mrs. Punch and all the Family are quite well. Believe me, one of Mr. Ducanz’s young friends, whom he expects to meet on the 21st instant, worse luck ; and *T remain, your juvenile reader, “* Mizzlebrook, Chatklands, Jan. 1861.” “Tom Brown, Junror.” CRUELTY OF MAMMON. Tae Bank of England has again suddenly raised its rate of discount, and we deeply regret to state that this palpitation of the heart of Commerce, as we may it, has caused the eatest and most widely spread inconvenience throughout the social system of the country. f our own knowledge we can speak of several distressing cases that have ocourred in the Metropolis in consequence of this ill-considered operation in the Bank Parlour, Ms. Gusugr, of ‘Gray’s Inn, had made an appointment with his laundress to go through her book, make a r take steps towards liquidation of the debt, but on hearing the news from the Bank, he was compelled to cut off in a Hansom, an hour before the time, and depart for his holiday without the intended interview. Mr. Wossuzs, of Alfred Place, Tottenham Court Road, met the financial crisis in a bolder manner, for he at once wrote to his tailor, and informed him-that-he had a choice between himself taking up an acceptance of Mr. WoBBLE’s, due that day, or permitting it to reeeive the notarial label indicative of absence of provision for the transaction. Mr. Suammar, of the Adelphi Terrace, who had promised his nephews a box at the theatre opposite him, was compelled to send them, instead, some orders for an Orrery at Stepney, and he himself 25 gone to Paris. Nor did the hardship confine itself to. the sterner sex, but as usual, helpless woman was the sufferer. Mrs. TippycoMBE, wife of a gaat solicitor at Islington, was informed that she could not have the Droguet on which her eyes and heart had been so long set, and Mr. Puastersy, of Brixton, apprised his amiable wife that if she insisted (which she did) on having a christening breakfast after the baptism of Perer James, the last baby, no dearer wine.than Marsala would appear on the semi-sacred board, and we need hardly add that Mas, Puastersy had spirit enough to defer the entire ceremonial until better times should arrive, ill judged financial measures on the part of an irresponsible executive in the city. Such are the consequences 0 THE GREAT THAW COMING. Tusae’s agreat thaw coming, boys, great thaw coming— With trains of tribulation To frighten De Cumamyc. ‘ Hark! groans aud growls, beneath the ice, Bach moment growing stronger, Proglaim « break-up imminent— Wait a little longer ! There’s,a great thaw coming, boys, &c. Phere ’s a great thaw coming, boys, 7 ot a gece nagegh yocked, all in stagnant so long, Old ‘Time seemed te: lave mias’d ’em. The Papal ice-berg, alt whose reots So deep-set seemed to. bey Floats all adrift, audi melting slow, About the Romam see. 7 There’s.a greas thaw coming, hoya, &c. And aye the higher show it-makes Above the wave it darkens, The louder those sun-hammers sound, At work for him that hearkens ; God speed the light! the thick-ribbed bonds Deip, drip, in silvery tinkles ; The huge aud hoary fronts of frost Gape into yawning wrinkles— There’s a great thaw coming, boys, &c. Up to the Arctic Cirele, This thaw will have its way; F’en Russia’s huge ice-palace Shows symptoms of decay. ’ That throne uplift—you Il find a rift : Rip up those barrack-floors, To right and left run crack and cleft, Defying props and shores, _ There’s a great thaw coming, boys, &c. The palace fronts show white and fair, The palace-walls seem strong Babin the sun they ’ll hae and run ‘heir gorgeous, guests among. The Neva sleeps, a frost-bound slave, Held down with pile and pin: But there’s a beam can loose the stream, And send it roarmgin— There ’s a great thaw coming, boys, &c. - See, ’tis the Kaiser, driving His iron-runnered sleigh— x The horses spring, the sleigh-bells ring, His escort clears the way ; The Kaiser’s ear is dull to hear, - His eye is dull to see— As on his road, that seems so. broad And smooth, he gallops free. There’s a great thaw coming, boys, &c. Yet sure he sees the yawning cracks, That shoot their net-work fine, And all about him and athwart The treacherous surface mine. And sure he hears the grow! and groan, - Sharp crash and grinding sounds, That tell the ice has breken up,— The streams have burst their bounds! There’s a great thaw coming, boys, &e. Nor e’en the Atlantic Ocean, This wide débdcle bars, dire oe It rends the Stripes, like bursting pipes, And scattereth the Stars. The Union heaves and shuts and cleayes, And none is bold to say Tf it will hold together still, Or melt in shards away. There ’s a great thaw coming, hoys, &c.

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January 19, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 25 But far above the awful stir f re-awakened life, : and acquirements should take the opportunity, whilst it remains, of Stands England, watchful, hand on hilt, applying y tender to the right quarter, for employment in the capacity Seeking nor shunning strife. of Jack Ketch. Let them write, irrespectively of grammar, to the She fears no thaw, as linked by law, Her oak’s deep roots unto— Let drift who will, she standeth still, Her destined work to do. which the Jaw assi to English coun‘ in appointin ’s a great thaw coming, boys, High Sheriffs to fingh. itself. , ~ oT , Its signs are ever s' There’s a great thaw coming, boys, Wait a little longer ! A PAYING LINE. Persons desirous of making a handsome addition to their incomes by a light and gentlemanly, if not elegant employment, at least one involving very little physical or mental exertion, and only requiring a considerable amount of moral courage, will perhaps discern, from the subjoined paragraph picked out of the North British Mail, that there is an opening through which they may easily realise some money :— “ ExEcuTIONERS’ Fers.-—CatcrarFt, the well-known hangman, has informed the Magistrates of Dumbarton that his fee for coming to Dumbarton on the 18th — toexecute Lunnay, would be £2], and travelling and personal expenses pal Twenty-one pounds is a _ sam for hanging a man, and if the man is a bad one, it is more than he is worth, unless able to earn as much over and above his keep, in which case it would be cheaper to work him than to hang him. A surgeon, for performing an operation and thereby saving a life, would under ordinary circumstances be very well paid by the fee of £21, which Jack Ketch obtains for destroying his patient. For cutting off a bad member of Society by a process askin no knowledge of anatomy, and only the simplest manual skill, J. rd receives no less than M.R.C.S. does for amputating a limb; and more indeed : travelling and personal expenses paid into the bargain. To be sure, the doctor sometimes charges for expenses of travelling, booked under the head of “ Zéer,” which the other practitioner would perhaps enter as ““Gurny.” But he makes no claim for those of a personal nature, such as Mr. Catcrart’s; namely, perhaps, the cost of first-rate accommodation at the best hotel, inclusive of dinner consisting of three courses and dessert, with plenty of excellent claret and champagne. One would like to ascertain the number of cigars comprised in Cat- CRAFT’s personal expenses, and their quality; indeed to know whose and what cigars Catcrart smokes. Of course Mr. Catcrart is quite right in demanding these terms if he can get them; but they are cer- tainly high, and can only be maintained in the absence of competition. Jack Ketch is naturally opposed to the doctrine of Live and Let Live; but hanging is no monopoly. The field of the platform is open to hverage ability, and all may compete for the office of executioner. The contest for that distin- guished employment does not as yet, however, impose on candidates the agers | of a competitive examination. In good time it will come to that, no doubt. The competitors for the hangman’s place will have to answer questions in mathematics, as touching right lines for instance ; in geography, astronomy, and history; particularly the history of England, so implicated with the block. The manufacture of hemp, the process of rope-making, the growth and preparation of timber, will also be subjects wherein their proficiency will be tested. Then the position of Finisher of the Law will be the reward of talent and indus- try; at present it is simply open to the lowest bidder who is prevered to give satisfactory proot of his competency to execute its functions and those whom they concern, perhaps rise again when the the competitive principle. High Sheriff of the County, who has tha disposal. He is bo hands, or find a substitute for the performance of the exalted duty painful interest :— solicitors. The particulars, however, which it most ts him to Therefore gentlemen of moderate abilities t piece of preferment at his und to hang condemned criminals with his own UNCERTAIN CURE OF SOULS. ‘Tw advertisement which, reference exoapted, we annex from the Times will be perused by a portion of tr mational clergy with a NEXT PRESENTATION for SALE to RECTORY in the County of Norfolk. Average income, £640. Poptiletion, $00. Age of incumbent, 90. For further particulars the anxious ‘reader is referred to wertain know are such as the legal ge not be to com- waunicate. A confidential man is the only person who could afford the querist satisfactory assurante on the point which it would be his serious object to ascertain. of incumbent Ninety! Ninety years‘old! it is certainly a age, but when a'man has lived so long as that, there is a consi chance that he may fo on living a good deal longer. “Oh, the eo" gS pee life! He who has reached ninety ae —_ - a —- ;—how short in Seoeveet, in prospect how long ‘weary ! Ye nonegenarian me a centenarian. Is it well or ill with this aged ant he heart right with to the valves and the vessels P—or ossi- fication? Who knoweth? No man but his medical. But will the doctor reveal the desired knowledge? Dare Lask him for such infor- mation? Will he not deem mea in the cure of souls? Yea, adventure he may rebuke me as a hireling, and revile me to my ace, calling mea simoniacal humbug and seeker after the unrighteous mammon. income : and population only 500. The vineyard is one that would be just the thing for such a labourer as me. The very sphere of usefulness that I should like! But then the day of entrance, of induction, of incumbency—it might be distant, it might be at hand. Which?—Ah, which? Seventy would be better than ninety. Three score and ten is man’s appointed time; but if anybody is so strong as to reach threescore and twenty—if he once gets over fourscore, confound it, there is no saying how long such an old fellow as that may last. At ninety he has a chance of existing to the age of Old Paxn, and it would be a deuced bore to fork out a lot of tin for a living, and have to stand kicking one’s heels a quarter of a century waiting for a dead man’s shoes. One would hardly like to purchase the crabshells without having some idea of when one might expect to rejoice in them.” Such are the reflections which, some or all of them, the above advertisement is calculated to excite in a certain class of clerical minds—ineluding those of fast young divines, who purchase not only their preferment but also their sermons; the latter said to be chiefly composed by an inspired carpenter in Holborn. A NEW GENTLEMAN. SomEwHERE in South Wales (wherever that is) there is a place called Merthyr, and in that place lives an individual who has discovered a new form of gentleman. The individual is the proprietor of a hotel, and on his card is the following remark :— “Incidental as well as Commercial Gentlemen are assured it is the desire as it is the duty of the Proprietor to promote the comfort of bis Patrous on Temperance Principles.” “Incidental Gentlemen.” Those are the new articles which have been discovered in South Wales. Ever anxious to obtain information, Mr. Punch begs to demand what is an incidental gentleman. Of course he knows something about the word incidental, and that it is derived from a Latin word meaning “falling in,” but this only increases the confusion. Gentlemen who have been ata tavern have had the mis- fortune of falling in, when trying to pass ditches or canals, but at a Temperance tavern the requisite pr tion can hardly have been gone through. And then theapposition of “incidental” with “commercial” is another mystification. We have heard of incidents of commerce, but the connection is repudiated by our Welsh friend, who thinks a bag- man cannot be incidental. Is the word a Welsh ornamentation of Dental, and is the card an invitation to the Jew dentists who travel about with dog-carts full of teeth, and whose advertisements scandalise educated and legitimate odontologists? We have exhausted our guesses, ‘and once more demand an explanation, which must be in some civilised language, and therefore not m Welsh. What’s an incidental The remuneration of hangmen ma standard of their education shall have be en raised by the application of gentleman ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 19, 1861,

Saas oe A ———— —— = . \Y y Wy Ny ‘is NY \y, n Sy) uN Wa WN \ AYN i v) Wag : ~S 1 er ii, o@ | 04) ABN —— cE 5 4 Pew \ = = — ———_—— = SSS \4 As . | | = — —~ iI af =— All) NESE tl A .f jun — cal ik} — — — }<—_} SERIOUS ACCIDENT DURING THE FROST. As Mason —— anp Caprarmn —— or THe 13tH Licut PoLKERs were SkaTING WITH THE LOVELY AND ACCOMPLISHED EMILy D—— anp Harriet V——, THEIR FEELINGS SUDDENLY GAVE WAY.

BEEN EXTRICATED FROM THEIR PERILOUS SITUATION ! THEY BROKE THE IcE, AND WE HEAR THEY HAVE NOT YET

A CASE OF REAL SELFISHNESS. To Mr. Punch, Sir, ** Pharisee Villa. “] HAVE made the discovery that women are not the kindly and charitable beings which it is the fashion of poets, novelists, and ——- to call them. ; “There are a great number of claims made on behalf of benevolent societies at this period of the year. I have frequently read such appeals, at breakfast, to my wife and the girls. . “T had promised to set apart last Saturday evening for dining at home with them, and then taking them to a private box at Covent Garden Theatre. : “While taking a warm jelly, and some other trifles, for my lunch, at Farrance’s, my eye fell upon a very strong letter in the Zimes, asking contributions to one of these excellent funds. “My heart was touched, my dear Mr. Punch, and I telegraphed to Camberwell that we would give up the proposed pleasuring, and on the following Tuesday I had the happiness of reading to my family, from _ the nemaneeet, this acknowledgment, which will show you, also, how I employed the money I had designed to throw away :— “* A Camberwell Father, being the price of a box he had intended to take at a “<a the necessary expense, £1 5s. 6d. of his dinner that day “Sir, will you believe it, neither my wife nor the girls, whom I had really supposed full of kindheartedness, are pleased with this arrange- ment, and, to speak plainly, they are actually sulky. “* Pray print this, to shame such selfishness, pe j believe me, Your constant admirer, “ Thursday,” “PeckHamM RyseE.”

Tae PrincrpaL ORNAMENT THAT LADIES SHOULD WEAR AT A Rrete Bart.—Bugles. “DOES YOUR MOTHER KNOW YOU’RE OUT?” peared the following more than usuall appeal :— D™ implores you to WRITE. Think of your Mother. y mysterious and affecting That Diz. means the leader of the Conservative Opposition in the House of Commons must be assumed of course; but who can be the party to whom Mr. Drisraett can address such an exhortation as “Think of your mother?” We discard the idea that the question can have any social bearing, whether for good or evil. It is a purely litical one, in our opinion. After the declaration in favour of Church tes which the Ex-CaanceLior or THE ExcuEQuer made the other day, if may most reasonably be surmised that the mother above referred to is Mother Church, and that the anonymous individual addressed is a parson who has run away, and, it is feared, means to go over to Rome. This clerical fugitive we suppose it is that Diz. implores to write, and begs him to think/of his mother.

| Ingenious Idea. £0 lis. | | We know a Paterfamilias, who being disappointed of his Christmas Tree, went furtively into his wife’s bed-room, and brought down her Sunday Crinoline, which he cleverly hung up in the middle of the | room, and made it do duty for atree. Ornamented with drums, crackers, | wooden apples and pears, and the usual Noah’s Ark variety of zoolo- | gical bonbon-cases, and illumined with hundreds of little wax-tapers, the effect was quite a bit of fairy-land, and certainly no Crinoline ever looked lighter. Unlike other Crinolines, it was not in any one’s wa: either, though it shared ultimately the fate of all Crinolines, inasmuc | a every one’s hand was raised against it until it was regularly picked 0 pieces. In the second column of the Zimes for some days lately there ap- |

| |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Janvary 19, 1861. PEE EUPMATTTTT | wwe eee Se SO oD DIVORCE A VINCULO. Mrs. Carolina Asserts her Right to “ Larrup” her Nigger.

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~ Janvany 19, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. THE FACE OF NATURE. . DELENDA EST. EOENTLY, we have not} “ Some of the respectable inhabitants of Holywell Street propose to call it Book. been out of town, sellers’ Row.”—Athenceum. and therefore cannot Oxp Holywell Street be called Booksellers’ Row ? form a very accurate A very good dodge, but you’ll find it no go, opinion, but we think A nickname won't save the detestable den, — the “face of Na- For years so obnoxious to gods and to. men. Hg ture” must be get- ) ting rather dirty, Respectable parties, who’re justly ashamed 7’ seeing it is four To hear yourselves Holywell deniaene, weeks since the frost The straightforward w: pee ae . get in, and during all Is to, pack up your stock come ont place. that time she can’t z —~ have had it washed. For the doom has gone out, and -will go down, ¢ It is true there was ‘Boo long a vile scandal on ns renown ; —" a thaw for some few. tect ’s waving a potent right hand - hours : , formas to sweep off the pest of the Strand. since; but j fi filt b in fusty and musty-O Clo! sts "i. ~ pe bundles to Petticoat Row ; London, we = a vile and — crew, Siok the fae he. must find other lodgment for you. ft ion moon { eae Authors arrayed in. your ranks on the stall, i) by it. Snom are dearer to you than to all, fallen in some places, To free you Posterity registers vow, and there the face From the loathsome companionship forced on you now. of Nature must}; ~ aL US doubted| look Through a street where through noses men talk of old coats, ea Wai hae AY ee 5 but zhis - aa And on garbage the elderly pean oer gloats, . The broad healthy stream of our traffic be rolled, that her: thee fa val : As Hercules the foul stable of old. enn a theca So, out of the dens which to parsons belong, : - dinati ¥et which free-spoken Punch dare not name in a song, i they secinnlaon, ng Out, all, good and bad, from the poisoned demain! fe op And our old Holy Well shall be holy again. that she had during ake’ Nature well: di Sk nk ical rweun tend Cla te m mse with any more resent, and w. e thermometer falls anne down to em we ona of course expect CHARITY FOR COVENTRY. that she will take her usual shower-bath. Crrer cause of the distress which is suffered. now at Coven id to be that ladies have taken to wear hats of late in the li 2a 25 LETTER OF INSTRUCTION FROM AN AFFECTIONATE MOTHER TO THE BOY’S AUNT IN LONDON. “ Dearest Suspy, : : ‘ “* PLANTAGENET will come by the train, which arrives at eleven o’clock, Have luncheon ready for him at twelve o'clock. Mutton broth, the ingide of a chop, and the thigh of a pheasant: he dines at, two o’clock—Soup, a little fish, and a snipe will do for him. When he goes to sleep after ‘inner put some worsted gloves on, his hands: we are breaking him of » his thamb, Warm the draw- inpwom sofa for him, and put three blankets over him. If he cries when he wakes whigh, he probab will do) buy him, several toys and pire: hipn.® way, lL or two: he. them to pieces, and they amuse . If you have company at dinner, let him have a large dish of gra’ near him; he always puts both hands in’: when he is a man he will leave off. Let a servant sit up with him all night: if he wakes, let her have something hot for him, Be sure that you grease his nose well before hasieone-na is given to snoring—a tallow-candle is the best, next the lighted. end! 8 a et PF if 83 » “ Ever affectionately yours, * Matitpa Brown.” “ P.S. No mince-pies: yet: he ate six’on Christmas-day, and has ox gerbe his j been fractious ever since. Read Punch to him four hours every day, anybody wot , 3 and cut out the pictures for him; he is an intellectual child, he w ow his wife or etosnn: We every day an account of him: he is fond of the street-organ, and if you | by buying-all the. ribands she might can get a monkey or two that does not bite, let him have it. I forgot | chose indeed to wear a fresh one every day, s to ask you to buy him a respirator.” least bump of benevolence in his head would feel poe tap ma pene ry mepheryree «Aa her she to-explain the cause of it in some such strain. ag this = AG me gh poo my See te apr pion ane REAT many new stars have been lately discovered, but we under- yer tang ech oie stand that the t star of all that have been detected for many Ain to help ¢ Ca ge) em ag who Pape years made its appearance on Friday last, about half-past five o’clock, P.M., when our own particular friend Piome Buuery, Esq., fell down in a sitting posture on the iee. in the Serpentine. The star was one of 6 first pain ant 80 was. the how! Fhe - chawend Siend ught Up, upon suddenly fin mself bump. e was enabled, shortly eterna, t9 make a more satisfactory Obser-.|i vation, with the aid of a powerful glass—of brandy-and-water. F a] Astronomical Intelligence.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, [January 19, 1861. o~ QLow mols dutognu uth yo ) y G=> A CHRISTMAS VISITOR. TO OBLIGE BENSON. Sm Joun Benson, of Cork, enjoys the deserved repu- tation of being not only an excellent Architect but a Brick in other lines, Evidently, too, he has no tee-total humbug about him, as may be seen from the following observation which he made at a recent meeting of the Cork Town Council. There is a fountain on the Parade in that cit and a gentleman named Ketter demanded what wo id be the expense of gilding the letters cut round the said fountain :— ‘ “Sir J. Benson did not know what the expense would be, but there had been considerable expen-e incurred with regard to the fountain already. He did not think there was a necessity for a railing, as the young people would avoid the fountain when they became used to it.” Well spoken, Six Jou, in the name of a hospitable city, where the absurd habit of sticking up a bottle of whiskey to throw stones at it is happily unknown. The young people may occasionally take the laste taste in loife of the water, just to see what the tap is, but they know better things, and will soon learn to avoid such mean tipple. Cork thinks, with Mr. Punch, that water was made to wash in, and to float ships about, not to be drunk, unadulterated, and Mr. Punch is happy “to oblige Benson” by pro- mulgating to the world the excellent Knight’s testimony in favour of the good sense of his fellow-citizens. A Frrenpiy Critic (an extremely rare specimen). One who helps you over the Style. OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. Bane.. You kn thing, and you kn bod bod “ You know everything, and you know everybody: everybody knows that. But, Sir, among all your various oo esa do you know such a person as an independent critic? Doubtless, at the first thought, you will say of course you do; and you will instance your friend SLEDGEHAMMER and ViTRIOL TomAHAWK. Well, these are edu- cated gentlemen, and no doubt are independent,—as far, that is, as men who are attached to any newspaper possibly can be. But are they not exceptions to the literary rule, and do you not allow that really conscientious critics apparent rari nantes in the whirlpool of the press ? Mind, I do not mean to hint that men like SLEDGEHAMMER and ToMAHAWK are ever likely to be swamped in the gurgite vasto. They have talents that well may always keep their heads above water, and they will never have to struggle as their weaker brethren must. It is this struggle for existence that leads into temptation and to sacrifice of conscience, and oh! how hard it is bravely to withstand it. “But the critics you have named, Punch, are literary critics, and it is not of books but theatres that I now wish to speak. And here I apprehend the independent critic is an even rarer bird than in the other walk. The race may have existed, like the Dodo, I dare say; but such strange birds are such strangers that one naturally fears they are ming quite extinct. I will not bore you with recounting the many causes which have helped to extirpate the breed. Enough that it has ceased, with few exceptions, to exist; and that you and I are living to lament it. From what one hears too, as one may if one only keeps one’s ears open, this lamentation is by no means peculiar to us two, but is shared by an increasingly large number of the public. As far as I can judge from what is talked at clubs and dinner-tables, and in coffee-rooms and railways, the public is beginning to have less faith in the newspapers, so far as their opinion on the drama is con- cerned. Whether the public really doubts the independence of the press in a theatrical respect, or whether it be sickened by the rose- water and honey with which, in lieu of criticism, it has far too long been surfeited, I will not waste your space at youre in inquiring. Enough to chronicle the fact of the public want of confidence in those whose aim should be to keep it au cowrant with the stage, and who should} properly advise it where to go and what to see, having by mat conscientious criticism made the theatres they recommend fit toamuseit. Y “Now, this is, I conceive, a really public want: and therefore Mr. Punch, with your polite permission, [ think myself of coming forward as an independent critic. By your leave, [ will now and then, but at no stated intervals, let your readers know what pieces I have been to see, and whether I was pleased with them, or ‘4 to get away from them. I may not have the practised critical sharpsightedness which enables its possessor by seeing half a scene to go home and write a column on the merits of five acts; but I have a ee of tolerably clear eyes, and with an greg to help them, I believe can see as well as most members of the public. And after all, Sir, what the public, as it seems to me, requires is a someone who can see for it with some- what its own vision, and whose ra are not so vastly superior to its own that they scorn to look at half the little points that please it. * “The Arctic weather we have had has not been very tempting to theatrical excursions. However ‘thoroughly well warmed’ a house is advertised to be, it can hardly be so cosy as one’s own old house at home; and however anxious the children are to go to it, Paterfamilias wisely thinks the pantomime will keep until the temperature changes, and one may make the trip without the risk of being frost-bitten. Being of this opinion I have not yet seen a hot poker, except in my own grate: nor, save my hopeful son and heir, has any person in my presence tried to stuff himself with sausages, or to make an acrobatic plaything of the baby. Of the pantomimes I therefore cannot speak at present, because | have not seen them: it is not every critic who would feel this adeterrent. Before Christmas I enjoyed an hour or two with Ruy Blas such as I had not passed in a playhouse for many a long day. ‘The expressive eye and gesture, the well-selected attitudes, natural though full of art (instance, where he stands with his sw like to a headsman, at the words, ‘I was your lacquey: behold in me your executioner! ’) the clear articulation, never mumbling nor mouth- lng as too many actors do; the graceful ease of coneeg’s and above all things the freshness and uhstagy quiet fervour which he threw into the part, will remain with me, I hope, for long agreeable memories. Nor have I less pleasure in remembering Handy Andy, and his well-inten- tioned clumsinesses. Like that of Ruy Bias, this also was a piece of genuine good acting. There was nothing forced or strained in it, to make a mock effect and win a claptrap clap. The humour was through- out quiet and subdued, as true humour ought to be; and was never violently thrust into one’s face, as though demanding of one ‘your lavghter or your life.” A stage Irishman in general is Hibernior Hibernis, and much too far from nature to make one naturally laugh. But such is not the Handy Andy as played by Mz. Daw: and if people like good acting, Mr. Drew should draw. : “T remain, Mr. Punch, under fear or favour of no newspaper or manager, qne who likes to see plays comfortably, and therefore “Pays nis Money.” The Sympathy of. Holiness. On New Year’s Day the Pope received the French officers, and made some remarks to them which are of no consequence. But a letter from Rome informs us that— “His Holiness also said that in defending Gatta, the French fleet serves a just and holy cause.” The Pope’s Holiness has heretofore always been regarded as some- thing peculiar ; but now by his own showing it is of pretty much the same nature as the Holiness of the Bourbon dynasty of Naples. All right! The Holiness of the Inquisition does well to own its identity with the Holiness of the torture-chamber. LIFE IN THE BUSH. Tue Mistletoe for me! Grateful Exclamation of Mr. Punch, with the Christmas fecer upon him, after having been e. ‘or several hours to the fire of the ‘Volunteer Movement.” (Vide Almanack, 1861, | page 2.)

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January 19, 1861,] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SAVAGES ON SKATES. O cut a figure on the ice is frequently the aim of skaters, but there are some of them who are not quite sufficiently regardful what sort of a figure it is that they cut. When a man sprawls on his back while doing the spread eagle, the figure that he cuts is mueh more ludicrous than grace- ful; nor does if much im- prove the elegance of his position if a lot of flounder- ing sliders fall between his legs. But a far more ugly figure was cut the other day by some skaters on the Ser- pentine and other waters in our Parks, of whose perm formances the Times gives the following account:— * A great number of pemsens, including several ladiea, were tripped up by the skaters, and severely injured. * * Many persons were thrown down and very seriously hurt by skaters who were making what is called an ‘ Express train,’ following aah other as fast as they could go, and apparently without caring whom they might upset. * * Two brothers, named Nevittz, of Knightsbridge Green, were tripped up by the. skaters. One had his thigh broken; the other was so seriously cut and otherwise injured that, after having his wounds dressed at the Receiving House, he became delirious. The other boy was removed to St. George's Hospital * * * A lad named ©. Marrm, of 6, Park Street, Dorset Square, was cruelly treated by a fellow, who, while skating, gave him a blow on the mouth and knocked several of his teeth out. Search was made for the man who inflicted the injuries upon the sufferer, but he could not be found.” Skating must soon cease to be called a manly sport, if such outrages as these are to be looked for from its votaries. ‘To knock down little boys and ladies is a cruel recreation, and as cowardly as cruel. If such injuries were perpetrated elsewhere than on the ice they would be treated as police cases, and be reported in the newspapers as “brutal assaults.” If it become the fashion to cut heads upon the ice instead of cutting figures, we think that the police should be empowered to interfere and to take up the offenders who knock the helpless down. There is a Cruelty Prevention Society, we know, for protecting our dumb animals from savage and inhuman usage; and a similar Society must in winter time be officered to protect our wives and children, and other not dumb creatures, from the savages on skates who take pleasure in assaulting them. ENGLISH MURDERED BY THE FRENCH. Tue French clubs have imported into their festive Cercles our odious word “blackball.” They have made, so says the Globe, a verb of it, * Blackballer”’? We would give something if we could hear a pur sang Parisian pronounce it. We are curious to know what broken, and clipped, and disfigured form it would assume when recoined by his lips. Should we S ehie to recognise it as the same word? Fancy a thoroughbred dandy leaning over the balcony of the café Anglais, and saying to a French copy of an English swell, “‘ Oui, j’irai au club dans mon tilb’ et sacré Sos, je le blackballerai—out, aussi sir gue Jack Rosrnson, t/ sera blackballé”’ We do not think it would have a retty effect—would it Mons. Jutes Janin, or Mons, THiornie AUTIER, or any other scholastic Frenchman, who. prides himself upon speaking pure French ?—it would not sound very euphoniously, we say, to hear one of the young heroes of the Boulevards exealning, “ Non, tl est tellement Snob, ti faut impérativement que je le black- balldsse/*? What with Frenchified-English and Engiishified-French, the two countries in a short time won’t be able to understand eac other a bit. Why not make an exchange of languages, before they both become so corrupt that there will be no recognising either the one or the other? Fast and Loose. _ In spite of Prestpent Bucnanan’s fast, the State ‘of Carolina per- sists in breaking loose, and of severing the tie that binds her to the Union. Will her example be generally followed, do you think? If so, when we speak of the United States in future, we shall have to change two letters in the epithet, and use the word “ untied” instead of the word “ united.” GLADSTONE’S PET. We do not wish to alarm the ladies, but we have been told, by one who has admission into all the secrets of the Cabinet, that it is the intention of the CuanceLior or THE ExcuEQueR, next Session, to propose a new which is expected to give universal satisfaction—to the gentlemen, at least. There are, also, great expectations that the tax in question will be (barring the Income-Tax) one of the most pro- ductive out of the thousand-and-one taxes that help to swell the British Revenue up to its present colossal amount. Calculations have been made, and the returns, it is said, will be so enormous that hopes are entertained the CHANCELLOR oF THE ExcuequeR will be able to dispense nat only with the Paper-Duty, but several other duties esides, A new tax is always looked upon as a fresh imposition, and yet we have but little doubt that the present one will be hailed as a great boon by every one excepting the ladies, though it has been specially instituted for their physical benefit and personal improvement. Not to keep our female subscribers any longer in suspense, we may as well tell them at once that this additional feather on Mr. Buxu’s back, or rather Mus, Butt’s back (though ladies do not generally carry feathers on their ), is to be in the shape of a Carnotinz-Tax! the awful secret is out ; and we fancy we see thousands upon thousands of silk, moiré antique, and cotton skirts at the present moment quaking violently from fear over announcement. The sum put down (on ee we mean) as the probable return of this new contribution to the exchequer is not less than 23,000,000. Every lady is to pay a Pound lieence annually for the privilege of wearing Crinoline; and if found walking in one, without her certificate about her, she will be liable, to an information precisely the same as a sportsman who cannot produce his shooting licence. The penalties are to be very severe. Servants and housemaids are to be let off for five shillings. Frenchwomen and foreigners are to be charged double, inasmuch as they are — greater sinners in this respect than even English ladies; and, besides, they were the first to introduce the contagion into this country. Mr. Guapstonz is in high glee over his pet notion, which he is sure —unless female influence is brought to bear very strongly against it— of passing through the House without a single dissentient voice. If passed, it may possibly have the good effect of inducing the ladies to contract a little their present extravagant habits, . FEVERS UPON WHEELS. ~ READER, are you afraid of fever, and do you ride in cabs? If you answer both these points in the affirmative, it is as well that you should know that fever patients have at times been put into these vehicles, and the chances of infection have thereby been produced. It is as well that you should know too, not to mighion you too muah, that steps are being takén at several of the hospi to put a stop to this ing and disagreeable practice; and it may greatly tend to lessen the qualms and apprehensions we may perhaps have raised, if we you that the surgeons to the London Fever Hospital have given their advice to have a carriage fund got up, by which it will be feasible to There, | have fevers moved about in specially kept vehicles, instead of being placed in any cab that comes to hand. Of course this cannot be done without considerable expense; for with all our social science we have not yet acquired the art of keeping carriages for nothing. So, reader, should it ease your mind to learn that fever-carriages are being started for your safety, in common with that of other healthy members of the public, we think that the intelligence should ease your pocket too, for if you share the benefit you ought to share the cost of it. A hint from Punch of course will be sufficient on this head, and will set the hand of every apprehensive reader tugging at his purse-strings, every tug whereat will lessen his chances of infection when he takes a cab. Give your orders, gentlemen (Post Office orders we now mean) to the trea- surer of the Carriage Fund, London Fever Hospital, Liverpoo! Road, N.; by whom bequests and cheques and any odd sums won at cards, h | or any other conscience moneys, will be thankfully received. Innocence. We copy the following from a recent number of The Grandmother’ s Gazette, “A pretty little child, being asked by her godpapa where cotton grew, replied, with the greatest simplicity, m gentlemen’s ears.’ A TREMENDOUS BURST OF WIT. A Wretcuep Plamber, writing to another Plumber, says in a foot- note, “ Piping times, these!”

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aa PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 19, 1861, ! i. lial \ uy | Ce Sy ee AP] — \ - | Ca | \ \\ Boy. “I say, JOHN, ain’T youR Master a LOOKIN’ FoR YOU, |\HOW EXTREMELY LUCKY. Srzaxne of the bombardment of Gaéta, one of “the Correspondents” says :— ~ “The 8 h minister had al escape, as he om be ving in bed he received ' thompihor cnaliotons — = round shot, which smashed the washing-stand Don Puncu has no knowledge of the lavatory habits of this particular Spaniard ; but from a general acquaintance with the customs of the nation to which the Minister belongs, Don Puncu may venture to congratulate him on the damage in question having occurred to the very | article whose loss would occasion him the least inconvenience. If it had been the mirror, or the pot of black stuff for anointing the hair and moustaches, Don Puncn’s sympathy should have been as freely proffered as his congratula- tions are now tendered. A Slavish Difference. In England, we are in the habit of saying, ‘Base is the slave that pays.” ~ In America, however, it would be very dif- ferent. There in the Southern States, with the Slave trade in full operation, it would be thought, “* Base is the Slave that does nor pay.” MOTTO FOR A HOM@OPATHIC PHYSICIAN, Nec scio, nec enim curo. I neither understand, nor cure—oh! (Freely translated.) NEETHER !” SNARING PEASANTS. Tae Game Laws give occasion to some pretty little games. Here is | § one for instance that was played the other day before the Magistrates at Cirencester :— “« At the Cirencester Petty Sessions, on Monday—the Magistrates present being the Rev. Henry Cripps (Chairman), and Messrs. Cripps, Morris, and HarTLanp— Tomas Hatt, a simple-looking countryman, who appeared bordering on starvation, and whose clothes hung about him in rags, was brought up in custody, charged uit —_ in the preserves of Hart BatTuurst. was by Kina, head gamekeeper to Lorp Baruurst, and Gapieed that he met the prisoner at twelve o’clock at night, and went with him through the woods in search of pheasants. saw him shoot at a bird which ‘was roosting in a tree ; he struck it, but did not kill it; he had several shots at it, but with the same resul! “ Prisoner, on being called on for his defence, said he was in bed in his own cottage on the night in question ; ‘that the last witness came and knocked him up, and asked him to go with him and shoot a pheasant, adding that he was very ‘hard up,’ and that he had shot a hare the evening before, and sold it for 2s. 6d. in Ciren- .cester, and if prisoner, would come and shoot him a phe:sant he should be very lad. Witness was a st! to him, and he had never seen him before. He Fioioe) ; but the witness produced a gun, and loaded it, and as they were going along the wit pointed toa ph t in one of the trees, and asked him to shoot it. He shot, but did not hit it, and the witness loaded the gun three or four,times for him (prisoner) to fire, but he killed nothing. He should not have ing out, the witness had not called him up, and brought the gun im. Chairman said the Bench considered the case proved. The prisoner admitted that he shot at the pheasants.. He had been convicted for poaching in 1858 ; and the sentence ncow was that he be committed to prison for three months, and, at the expiration of that time, find sureties for his good behaviour for a further period of six months.” 3 A very, proper sentence, some readers may remark. But wait a bit: another charge was brought against the prisoner, and proved by the same witness, who alone had given evidence, and supported the first i Being questioned, this deponent confessed that he was paid by the head keeper of Lonp Batuurst to tempt and trap the prisoner to commit the crime. Whereupon an honest lawyer (such creatures are still extant) named— ** Mr. Witt1am Boopte, who happened to be in court on another case, asked to be allowed to saya few words. He did not speak as an attorney, but as an English- man, and he thought any man with English feeling must feel indignant at the manner in which this poor starving wretch had been trapped into crime.. He had hoped that the system pursued by JonaTHan WILD, of first making men thieves, and then blood-money for their apprehension, had been extinct in this country since that worthy was executed. “Mr. Boonie then asked the witness if he had a licence, and he said ‘No.’ He then asked him for his address ; but Ma. Bevir, the Magistrate's clerk, told him not to answer the question, ** Mr. Boopte what he had got out was quite enough. The witness admitted having shot a hare, being present when the prisoner shot the pheasant and the rabbit, and for each of these acts, not having a licence, he was liable to a penalty of £20. He Boopie) would himself turn common informer to enforce these penalties if nobody else would. ** Me. Boonie then formally applied for an information against the witness. “ After what had passed, the magistrates refused to convict in the second case; and so great was the excitement t the witness by the rps in court, that he had to be taken under the protection of the police, and let out through a side oor. Mr. Boonie said he had never witnessed such ful proceedings in his whole life, and he pledged himself to bring the case under the notice of the Secre- tary of State, with a view to obtain the prisoner's lil “The proceedings caused intense excitement, and Mr. Boopir’s remarks were received with bursts of cheering, which it was impossible to repress.” * Bravo, Boopte!” doubtless was among the cries in Court, and one which Mr. Punch, feels strongly urged-to echo. And Mr. Punch, although a sportsman, and therefore no friend to poachers, would wish his strongest influence to back up Mz. Boopiz in his attempt to get the sentence on the prisoner reversed. Albeit perhaps no crime it the eyesight of the law, snaring peasants is a greater in the eyes of A/r. Punch than even snaring pheasants; aud could Lory Batuurst’s precious keeper and his still more _— witness be sentenced each to twice the punishment inflicted on their victim, no one would be better pleased than Mr. Punch, or feel more inclined to testify that it served them jolly right. HAVING HIS SWING FOR HIS MONEY. We all of oo og (at least re too that is quite sateen tos our purpose) the engraving of a boy s n'a gubquapa whic is called 4s Happy as a King. We wonder if young NCIS» of Naples can be said to be in a similar joyful predicament, and yet he has been holding on to Gaéta now for some time past, affording great amusement, if not to himself. at all events to others who expect to see him every minute knocked off the last perch he has to cling to. The amusement, however, must be an expensive one, and we never open a morning newspaper without expecting to find in it that Francis has at last lost his balance. As it seem’ to bea doubtful point whether Boma tno is altogether as Happy as a King, might we be allowed to wish him a Happy New Year, which we do most sincerely, as it strikes us very forcibly that his Neapolitan Majesty, as events promise to turn out, will sadly be in want of one. The Parting between Wisdom and Folly. Ir is a very singular thing, but no less true than singular—true, we may say, to a hair—that if a man parts his hair down the middle, we are uncharitably apt to look upon him as a fool; but if a woman parts her hair down the side, we are generally inclined (and with equal want of charity, perhaps) to put her down as a clever woman. Printed by My > Deptiney, of No. 13, Teer Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Ream of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park. both in the 'Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Midd) Lombard} treet, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the London.—Sarvuapar, January 19, 1851. ityJof Loudon, and Publishea by them at No. 85, Fleet,’S in the Parish of St. Bride, in the Ciry

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5 eee DesS © 2 eX January 26, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 33 YY { ak P (ir Aled SENTIMENT IN THE SHERIFF’S COURT. At the Sheriff's Court, Red Lion Square, Mz. Movun- TAIN, who appears to have succeeded our old friend mp, having made a number of proclamations of out- lawry at the suit of gentlemen whose names were, as usual, chiefly Semitic; according to the Law Report :— **The Court was closed with the usual formalities until St. Valen- tine’s Day.” The fact that the Sheriff’s Court opens on Valentine’s Day is one of those things which have hitherto been not yg known. Now that it is made known universal y its publication in these pages, the Sheriff’s Court will acquire a sentimental interest in the eyes of many who were always accustomed to regard it with unmitigated disgust. A suit in the Sheriff’s Court has usually sug- gested the idea of a beggarly action on a dishonest accom- modation bill, brought by a usurer against a scamp. On the first day of Term in that tribunal, however, being Valentine’s ie. Ne suitors may be expected to consist of gay youn helors, and the parties sued of spinsters to match; the suits not being suits at law but suits at love. Paring the skin, then, off the bones of g debtor, will dag Pon eps! hee: i the order &. the da: —_ ir vote to pairing; but happy pairs will pair off thence like the sparrows in the neighbouring grove of Red Lion uare, . Billing will take the place of those transactions which arise out of bill-discounting; billets will come before the Court instead of bills; and the dove or pigeon, instead of screaming in the talons of the pecuniary kite, will coo for a mate. Hearts will be transfixed by the arrows of little Cupid instead of being sliced by little Shylocks ; and wethave authority for stating that the authorities of the Sheriff's Court, namely, of course, the Sheriffs, intend to put Mr. Mountain and all the bumbailiffs on Valentine’s Day into pink fleshings, and lend their shoulders wings for the day; the gauze wings which are proper to the little Loves, and properties which will readily be lent by Mr. Natuay, of Titchbourne Street. ; The Sheriffs Court does not try breach of promise cases, which are the only actions whereof cognisance ought to ik THE MORNING AFTER THE JUVENILE PARTY. be taken by a Court which opens on Valentine’s day. Otherwise :— ‘ Papa. “ Way, Tom, I’m arram you MusT HAVE Eaten TOO MUCH CAKE LAST * sagt amttet ses apiee Nicut. You Look quite SEEDY THIS MornINnG!” Little Sister. “Ou, No, Papa, DEAR, IT CAN'T BE THAT. OUT OF THE CRACKERS, BUT HE DIDN'T TOUCH THE SEED CAKE!” To be your Valentine,” He zat rue Tutnes| might be the song of Mr. SoLomons, representing his client the plaintiff in Ophelia versus Hamlet. Do you mean to let me bring in a Reform CABINET CONVERSATION. Lord John Russell, My dear picemnenon, , the Session approaches. ill ? Lord Palmerston, Well, really, my dear Joun, if you ask me that question—by the way, are you going to St. Paul’s to hear the oratorio ? 4 Lord John. I think not. I am not sure that Dr. Cummmne would Stephen’s. Lord-John. St. Stephen’s at; Westminster. Are ot to have a Reform Bill ? interesting he is, ern for the Liberal party. Do you like caviar ? Because I must be preparing my speech. Lord Pal, That is true, enesedinate true, they have made you in that last phot h. Lord John, Opinions differ, but T shall sit etter 1. intzodace the Final Reform Bill. or i quite like it. But, ha! ha! never mind St. Paul’s, let’s talk of St. d Pal. At Vienna. Wonderful old Church—deuced picturesque. Davip Roserts has painted it capitally, from both ends. Lord Pal, Exists no longer, my dear Joux. You of all folks ought to be better up in the history of Parliament. Lord John, You know what | mean. Have you made up your mind? ord Pal, Upon ,my word, it’s an important question, and that reminds me to tell you to go and hear Farapay. You’ve no idea how Lord John. I don’t understand his theory on the Conservation of Forces, but I know pet yon will not conserve yours, if you don’t do Pal. That’s very true, and very well put, and we ought to do something to show that we are entitled to the confidence of our friends. Lord John, No, I think it’s beastly. Are we to have a Reform Bill? It is the duty of a states- man to be thoroughly well up in his subjects, and I say, what a Guy for another on the morning What date had I better fix | : | Lord Pal. Date? Ah, when you come to dates you talk business, |and that is what I like. And talking of dates, how deuced old our friend Lapy PigwHIsTLETON is looking. Lord John. Well, she’s no chicken, She was a very handsome creature at the time I brought in the first Reform Bill. When shall I bring in the last ? ‘ Lord Pal. Bring in the last? Ha! ha! One would think you were a cobbler. the way, I’m sorry there’s a thaw, for one’s boots get wet with the slightest walk in the slush. — : Lord John. I have had no time for vening. having been so busy in getting up the returns for my Reform Bill. 1 think I will fix the first of March for bringing it in. : Lord Pal. First_of March—well, as a mere day that is as good as any other. Stop, by Jove, no it isn’t. It’s a Friday this year. You'd never bring in a Reform Bill on a Friday? Lord John. T am not superstitious. Lord Pal, No, no, Friday, that won’t do. No; my dear Joxy, not on a Friday. I must be going, though. Lord John, Well, but when shall 1 say—— : Lord Pal. (going). No, no, Friday won’t do—all the fools in England will be in a clamour, and they are the majority— Friday won’t do, ee wit, Lord John (running to the window). But when? Hi! When? Lord Pal. (ein on his horse). Some Sunday in the middle of the week. Ha! ha! (Canters off.) . . Lord John. 1 don’t believe that man isa Reformer at heart. I’m blessed if I don’t think he’s a Tory. I’m blowed if I don’t. [ Exit. A MATTER OF TRANSPORT. We only wish that Frost (we mean, of course, King Frost) could be transported again—to Siberia, the Arctic Regions, Iceland, the North Pole—anywhere, so long as he could be got out of the kingdom, VoL. XL, E

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[January 26, 1861, ‘PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. +e Pu Mh PAUL PRY IN THE PULPIT. On the whole Mr. Punch can hardly be considered as the most devoted son of the Roman Catholic Church, but he begs to say that with all the errors of the Scarlet Lady, | She has ome point of honour. Many of her priests doubt- | less make @ very bad use of Confessional Secrets; but they | do not get up into pulpits and proclaim the private cha- | racters and past sins of those whotrust them. That delicate | method of doing good is reserved for the Baptists. Here | is a scrap from the Marylebone Mercury, Jan. 19 :— “THE REV. C. H. SPURGEON AT SHOULDHAM STREET CHAPEL, BRYANSTON SQUARE. “The Rev. C. H. SPuRGEON preached at this Chapel on Wednesday | morning to an audience occupying every portion of the edifice. His = a. to collect money for the building fund of the Metropolitan rnacle.” "nN | i! N We need not trouble our readers with the details of his sermon, but will merely say that he preached the red-hottest | of doctrines. ‘‘ Mr. Spurceon then spoke of the great effects of the revival, and said that at least 500 out of his 1, members were a few years ago | traviatas (he used an uglier word), drunkards, &. Mr. SpuRGEON then alluded to his tabernacle, and said the cost of it was £30,000. towards which he had received £26,000, leaving £4,000 to be raised ; by 3ist March next: how he did not know, but, &. &c.” Suppose he tries Hush-Money. A many people i like to stand a trifle towards his hideous new taber- THE GUARDS’ MONUMENT—GOVERNMENT NOTION OF A BECOMING WINTER COSTUME FOR LADIES. ie, rather than be labelled in this manner. Decidedly the priests of Rome behave more like gentlemen and Christians than the anything but particular Baptists. Birds of a Feather. ee & proof of the severity : , relates the capture of a fine jack-snipe | “in the ag of Manchester ‘. within the warehouse of Musszs. Bannerman & Sons, York Street. Most people would take care to eat every snipe they could get; but our Manchester contemporary says that the captor of this one, instead of appropriating it to stuff himself withal, intends to have it stuffed, “in order to commemorate the fact of the intense frost.” He will then perhaps make a present of | it to some society; and as the snipe that settled in a Man- chester warehouse, must be an oddity in its way, he may ts be disposed to tender this strange bird to the dd Fellows of the Manchester Unity. PUBLICANS AND SINNERS. Ar first thought, the connection between sewerage and beer will doubtless be regarded as anything but obvious; and the reader may be puzzled by lear from the Zimes that the Commissioners of Sewers held a meeting the other dey, whereat, after other business had been brought before them, Dr. Leruxsy introduced his quarterly report, containing information of much interest to the public, and among it the following, relating to the “ publics :”— “Tn some cases of adulteration the practice of it has a far more extensive relation to the affairs of the community than at first sight appears. To take the sophistica- tion of beer and porter as an instance, it is well known that the publicans, almost without exception, reduce their liquors with water after they are received from the brewer. The proportion in which this is added to the beer at the better class of houses is nine gallons +m unchéon, and in sécotd-rate establishments the quan- tity of water is doubled. This must be compensated for by the addition of ingre- dients which give the appearance of strength, and a mixture is openly sold for the purpose. The composition of it varies in different cases; for each expert has his own particular nostrum. The chief ingredients, however, ate a saccharine body, as foots and liquori¢e to sweeten it; a bitter principle, as gentian, quassia, sumach, and terra japonica, to give astringency ; a thickening material, as linseed, to give body; a colouring matter, as burnt sugar, to darken it ; cocculus indicus, to give a false stre: ; aod common salt, capsicum, coppéras, and Dantzic spruce, to pro- duce a h as well as to impart certain refinements of flavour. In the case of ale, its apparent strength is restored with bitters and sugar‘eandy.” This somewhat explains the —— we began with. When we fiad that beer is doctored with such beastliness, we can scarcely feel sur- prised at its being viewed as something to be brought before the nose of the Commissioners of Sewers, A mixture of quassia, sumach, lin- seed, capsicum, copperas, and cocculus indicus, is much more fit to flow down drains than down the human throat, and far more deserves the name of sewerage than stimulant. With such evidence as Dr. Letiesy brings before us, we seem to understand a bit of slang one hears where cabmen mostly congregate, and apostrophise their chums with, “Now then, Brit, let’s ’ave a Drain!” It a eapes enough to make one turn teetotaller when one hears what noxious stuff is sold to one as beer, and how the publicans conspire to make a cesspool of one’s stomach. Surely converts to the water faith might easily be gained by any lecturer who chose to travel through the country, and to illustrate his lecture with some water- yg drawings showing the horrors that are drinkable in a drop of eer. But besides injuring one’s person, as capsicum and copperas cer- tainly must do, it is easily made clear that they must hurt one’s pocket, unless indeed one lives without having to pay taxes, which few readers of ay we fear, are so favoured as to do. Says Dr. Letuesy on this point :— “ Apart from the question of how much injury is done to the health of the con- sumer by this practice, or how large is the fraud on the pocket of the purchaser, it is a matter of interest to know what is the effect of it on the revenue. There are, I believe, about 6,200 publicans and beer retailers in this metropolis. Supposing that each, on an average, has a sale for only six barrels of beer and porter per week, and that the degree of dilution is but to the extent of five gallons of water per barrel, in the aggregate there would have been used 186,000 gallons of water per week. This, if properly and honestly brewed into beer, would have required about 1,722 quarters of malt; and as each quarter of malt pays a duty of 22s. to the revenue, there is a fraud of rather more than £1,987 sterling per week, or nearly £100,800 per annum.” F So, besides swindling their customers and half-poisoning them to boot, by giving them bad doctor’s stuff when they ask for beer, the adulterating publicans cheat the — into paying above £100,000 annum more taxes than they ought to pay. ell, now we know that selling beer is such a fraudulent transaction, we shall abstain as much as possible from giving it encouragement. We have no wish to assist the trade of inland smu gling in which so many of our innkeepers, it seems, are now engaged; and as we don’t want to commit suicide, we shall rigidly observe a total abstinence from beer, excepting when we get it from the brewery direct. All Souls in a Nut Shell. Punch litem dat, Give o’er your strains, Nor swear like angry cats; The Dons are right to banish brains, For All Soles must be Flats. FOR COLNEY HATCH, Wao is the most melancholy of young ladies? 'Miss-AnN-THROPE. ?

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January 26, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 35 A QUERY FOR THE ARMY. mark; and ever so far down again I see another. ILL you, dear Mr, Punch, all allow me a few lines in your world-celebrated and highly respeetable Journal—you perceive I comprehend the politeness due to a newspaper ? “There is really, of course, no Figure of Merit but your own, but the Duxe or Cam- BRIDGE, in his zeal for the Army, may be pardoned for having adopted the phrase, in order to imply a stan- dard of good shooting with the rifle. “H.R.H. has just published, very pro- perly, an account of the shooting which our soldiers have performed during the past year, and has shown the re- spective merit af each regiment. I am not goimg to say who areat the top of the elass, and who are at the bottom, but I do want to ask a ques _“T perceive no men- tion of any of our regular Riflemen (I | linen. mean the regiments can learn to shoot better than a brent zinth, which has been shooting at marks its life “TI thought of writing this letter to the Times, but I am a timid inquirer, and I was terrified at the thought of the tremendous answers that would have been showered upon me by military men, to the disturbance of my digestion at breakfast. I should infallibly have read, “If an ass of a civilian like CrezrmousE insists on minding other people’s business instead of his own, he should at least take the trouble to inform himself on the subject, and not make a display of disgusting ignorance, when any drummer boy could tell the fool that, &c., &c., &c., but happily the Rifle Regiments, which conquered at Poictiers, Blenheim, Water- loo, &., &c., &c., stand too high to heed the impertinent imputations of some unknown tallow-chandler,’ &c. &. You, Mr. Punch, will protect me from this sort of thing, and if you can, please to obtain me an answer to the question, “Why the Riflemen can’t shoot ? “T am, Sir, yours most deferentially, ** Stilton Villa: Cheshire.” CREEPMOUSE.” SEASONABLE ADVICE. BY A FROZEN-OUT GARDENER, Now weed your wardrobes and rake up your old elothes. Gather all your left-off coats and ether garments in a heap, and then sow them broadcast among your neighbours. Plant out your old boots, and prune down your spare Well winnow your lumber closets, and collect all the old hats and caps, and railway rugs green boys who were supposed to be such wonderful shots, and who have been practising all the days of their miliary life) until I come to Number 29 on the list. Then one Rifle regiment gets a good “ Please, Sir, how is this? Were the old Rifles a sham, or have the officers neglected their duties, or is the new system of teaching so good that in a short time twenty-eight and comforters which you may find garnered | there. Sow broadcast as before, choosing out the soil that you think hungriest and poorest. By acting in this way, Charity may cover a multitude of skins, without being herself a penny out of pocket by it. [ ADVERTISEMENT. | THE NEW PERIODICAL. SNOBS AND SQUIBS. Buut-BaiTinc and Cock-fighting have ceased to hold a place amon ANOTHER VOLUME OF THE CABINET LIBRARY. MESSRS. PALMERSTON, RUSSELL, & Co., have the honour to announce that early in March, will (unless accident intervene) be | Published, No. V. of the unpopular Periodical, THE REFORM BILL: OR THE POLITICAL OLLA PODRIDA FOR 1861. With the following Contributions by eminent Persons : I.. EXTENSION OF THE SUFFRAGE. By the Lorp Joun Rosse.t. Il. RESTRICTION OF THE SUFFRAGE. By the Lorp Hersert or Lea. Ill. RIGHT OF THE UNTAXED TO CONTROL TAXATION. By W. E. Giap- stone, Esq. IV. FANCY VOTES FOR POETS AND MUSICIANS. By the Lorp Car.iste, V. UNIVERSAL SUFFRAGE. By the Ricut Hon. Mitner Grizson. VI. ‘‘WHO IS ON EXETER HALL’S SIDE, WHO?” By the Lorp SHarrss- Bury, D.D. VU. LET PHILOSOPHERS GOVERN. By Sie G. C, Lewis. VIII. JUSTICE TO OIRELAND, By Tue O'Hagan. IX. VOX LEGIS VOX SAPIENTLE. By the Lorp Campnett. X. THE FOK’SLE AND THE HUSTINGS. By Lorp CLarexce Pacer. XI. RIGHTS OF THE PEOPLE CALLED RANTERS. By 8m W. ATHERTON. XII. CIVIL SERVANTS AND POLITE MASTERS. By the Duke or Somerset. XIII. THE SOFA, OR SHOULD WOMAN VOTE? By! Wittiam Cowper, Esq. XIV. ALL THINGS MADE PLEASANT. By the Lorp| Panwarston. New Palace, Westminster, 8. W. DONE IN A MELTING MOMENT, our national amusements, but something like a taste for cruelty sti lingers in our mobs, as the following description of a night-scene on the Serpentine last week will amply testify :— “The scene was altogether of a most exciting character. An i number of serpents were ignited and thrown upon the banks among the public, and as they exploded and the sparks flew about, especially among the women, the scene became fearful, and upwards of twenty women were more or less burnt, The sham fight eventually, both parties commenced indiscriminately about, and many persons were injured. A woman named PHase Hore had her clothes set on fire, and she was so badly injured that she was taken to her residence in Carlton Street, Vauxhall.” Of course people may say, what business have{women to go out after dark, and mix in a night-mob of chimney-sweeps and costermongers ! But were chimney-sweeps and costermongers the only roughs there present? Did not gents and counter-jumpers play a part too in the farce, which we fancy must have nearly been turned into a tragedy ? Were there none of the so-reckoned “‘ educated classes” who let off squibs and roman candles without looking who were near them, or if they looked, pe picked out a place for the Cacherne where Crino- line did mostly congregate? Of course their plea would be, that they did it “‘for a lark,” and had no intention to injure any y. But is this plea, do you think, a reasonable excuse for frightening women into fits, and burning upwards of a seore of them? And if persons don’t know better how they should eonduet themselves when there are women present, don’t you think it reasonable that they ought to be taught, albeit they belong to the “educated classes ” ? The Ribbon Conspiracy. We never like to be rude to good folk, but just now we should feel inclines te send all charitable souls to Coventry; and although a firm riend of “ ace, law, and order,” we should not object to see Rib- _Wuy is Ice in a thaw like Philanthropy? Because it gives in all directions, bonism in the ascendency in England. Hats off, Ladies, and bonnets to the rescue! was carried on, one party firing from the north shore, another from the south ; but, | the medley attack, and fireworks were thrown |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 26, 1861. SSS y NESSES tig, Ww (as RSS UNNSNSNH SES SOS —— SS IN NY \ a 4 if | ( a : RNY IS i ain ity Vit Ni ds wieh | : 7" WN a j >S 3 Snare — 4 | WT IN a) ie , : WY Mew (Ways) SS ant ", ‘ * " s SIN %, IRS q { } SS % c — i ii ii _—- Ais { 4 it SSS i 5 | | Je hee a || wu \ io | : ‘ ; : & | \ = ‘ | {i | | : wie © =e: |) | } N sf | : / . . ‘ } A 7 ~ PUT eC THE CLERICAL BEARD MOVEMENT. WE Do NOT FOR ONE MOMENT PRESUME TO SAY WHETHER IT IS RIGHT OR WRONG,—ONLY, IF THIS SORT OF THING IS TO PREVAIL, | WHAT’S TO BECOME OF CapTAIN HEAVYSWELL? | FROST AND THAW. Thea ye | Soa Sake So Wile site “Yas Geo, It was hard Kine Frost and soft Quzzen THaw, She summoned the warm ‘airs from the South, Came lately to a tussle, R The soft rains from the sea. Where.the King he prevailed, with his hands ice-mailed, And sore she strove by the might of love, a And his iron strength of muscle. Kixe Frost’s hard rule to quell, | : a And with scornful mien, he bespake the Queen, But the airs in her train came shivering again, = wane ure rl lari me amg econ And her rains they froze as they fell! ith her sighs, and her weeping eyes, : : And her ~ and ping pinions— Then sudden this thought to her heart was brought, 4a : “Fool; t te d sh — fi Quoth he, “Begone to the snivelling South, Tis not Krwe FRost, whose path I’ve crost, g Where the mist hangs hot and heavy : But Nature’s guiding power ! 5 There bid parched air from steaming earth Beneath His law stand Frost and Thaw ; Its toll of moisture lary f We work but as He wills; ag pe he yah e slight Spring-cold, Ke. asap ng | pe way for life, e April rime, en he makes boast it kills. But leave to me black Januarie, And the bitter New Year time. Tn earth and air I’ll strife forbear : “I orack the tire, I rive the rail By erg a pig dy I mock the might of iron, on ee eee eee Make brittle the bone, and shatter the stone, PR oc decrng, «fda utp And the mountains with ice environ. Love's fount therela . touch—the mattock and spade are still ‘ * " F A The trowel and hod go own ? cE shall give, am phe dead shall live, nt The board is bare and the hearth is chill, dneelieedumes 4 Ni And hunger holds the town. God speed such Thaw! still may it draw s « ss : A force from all around, a ‘oa Aly wanpaged peites Queen > Till Love’s green tree shoot fair and free, Woulds’t lift the brand of my scathing hand, From out the reeme:! omer . And loose where I confine? High may it spring and broadly fling do thy worst—bid the rivers burst an poten Soe sme, toes eed Oo Jw fy on ot thew wr May nd wherewith to clothe itself, Bid earth rejoice, give the birds a voice, To shelter, warm and feed ! And make men’s spirits gay.” * The Palm supplies both food, shelter, clothing, and fuel.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Janvary 26, 1861. CM LAL EZ 7 Ma CZ) | vomit Zude LAPP IPE AAA PD ALS — a WNT SG A Mi Py Cif ls fA, 68 LEZ —, witty tpg \ \\\ > Z ; ¥ A y fd f g LX / > f “ A “ f ‘ ~ Ww Z = CG Hh) > 4 J 4 y YE a ‘ J . CaN 4 ff “. —— =f : | Z, cal ae Ty = =. = = | v7 j ; ii = > . \ a - = = ~ K Y ; J i "7 / — - 5 Oe ~ = / Ky Ze cx = y | : é A - ‘ / : y Po “ Z A f : Z ‘ Wi ea 4 /| } ‘ ‘4 , iy ty yy oad ' »

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Lan eosOMmas SB VON Ce 6 ee

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January 26, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHZARIVARL. REVOLUTION IN EVENING PARTIES. . vaste “ok my OT ee eae, BY A RED-NOSED OLD WALL-PLOWER. here is oy ph pemertoe y wel a F} — is a madness staring, BA oe by catcene belle, of going home to bed. ) i. fowrg ne fire stint idea , ae t t least must ole servants sleep— one rs some twenty Oh dear, how cold ! and what = ™ r twenty odd, d Are you, such ——_ wenty odd, degrees of What comfort do you now derive = in common rivers cease | From having on the finest k seathen, t t 0-morrow, ow e sea their waves You'll have a ee imi ae through your nose. whee. up them come wild ducks and geese, But homeward if you have to ride But Thames self is frozen Miles from a stupid County ball, o’er ! That scene of vanity and pride, punishment is worst of all. The frantic folly, that astounds pless flunkeys done, My reason with its awful have the task severe Leigh ht, to drive—no fun— — of people going mani such a time of year? evening parties t night. adn sesaulied appeal to you, They go at ten or later; leave reason, nl have ruth, wh reo or ae perhaps at four. to girls themselves, one would believe, vow let all on outh, wing find such sitting up a bore ! bee more e At which I’m in amazement Or if to dance in gay attire Afford a pleasure so intense, wife hai 9d. F § an d afte d REAL CONSCIENCE MONEY. Hisking him out of the strooh 144. For sending Posch an Old Joe, ani i urred not a undred miles from my town,” £20. For Mr. Porcu begs to ex the extreme pleasure with which he Hiding Cluanueea -Case because he would be po me to the reads every day the lists of charitable donations which the hard season | Theatre, An Evil . > £5. For to take Hesrer to the has set flowing into the poor-boxes and other treasuries of benevolence. | ¢h, 5s. For getting so Brotherly at had to be seen He begs to assure the hearted world, that he carefully peruses | ho $1 1s. For Sneezing ina Stentorian manner at the Theatre, 10s. every item in every one of the lists, and not a name escapes him, from For Pretending T was when Mr. Srumey Swozs asked me to Gls ends Slag he pg, eg. seer ae ana, Ee, inane,» Cbg mam bad proisod to w: © poor. e e ni 2 a Volunteer, £2. ; Fan blows Kis to Pet,” “ Hoseb “eg Seeameecbeat steer oil Oe parable fairies, and shakes a. with “ Grib, ” eiebbe es sn np and all the other good fellows who give their money and not NOTICES FOR THE COMING SESSION. Bat it to him, that 1 there js an absence of what is rather foolishly “Conscience Mone: ee He does not mean that the ose Tue heer ongd Notices have been given for the approaching Session hypocrites or fot eke stealthily bank-notes to Mz. Guapsronz | °f Parliament could be ag oe to —e ge mone rox Ay any sensible or laudable object.| Mz. Roxavox,—e ask Mn. Grirms whether he is a descendant of They merely tr in their old tin-kettle consciences, | John Gslpin, and otherwise to insinuate to the remarkable Minister, and, having - Ry other ghey are now endeayouring to cheat | that when humble people are suddenly elevated to the backs of horses, themselves ; but there must be a great many small offences committed | they are very likely to ride in an obj direction. perch this time, and if people would only fine themselves (or, which is} Mn, Epwin James.—To move an Address to the Crown for leave to others) for these things, and send the fines to the | him to wear his Blouse and Pistols (as delineated in the [//ustrated Mccain prvey me addition would be made to the collection for sawed bei the first time he moves the Address in the House of & Mra. Kyox ea said to acknowledge the follo eontri- butions to the x the po :—A Repentant Attorney, 6s. 0 Atonement of the for having Snubbed a Wife, £1. For ee te Husband, Tip With £5. One who stayed too late at his Clu eld from a | ; — Nephew, 10s. Christmas Box denied to a lazy Laundress, 5s. Fine f . a Cabman to whom 4. had col dg the wrong +? 2%. 6d. lee Bo Bote oe oo = 1. For having taken a cab when ought to te have walked, 7s, 6d. For having said a were wg eos in Torrar’s f giicoow le, ta anseme in we were see UNCLE and Aunt Siimy, A Hus binet official co-operation qtine So For —— sta seoy ti a Noes £20. Bonet _ which has not the of the honourable or having kicked Das dintel ted bled over him, him, £1, For haying pleaded a cold as an ex- m.. pone by the ~~ ey oft Sept eben THE ane Talo boop ner Ye Nt hacia y Bill | ©82¥0H a8 am assurance of the belief of or 80 8 when the was black, A A Club-man, 210. Ror using aad word when never do any harm with that veseel.or any I fell down om the ice, 6d, For sulking with Antaur because ha e broke a a A ‘Bum and er Raed ae, Se _ For bigwing tP x tober © Conte pay MS. when he wanted ed to go out shooting, A £10. For bein tittle leks ees AF wild ee ea the Cabinet. Mr. Punch i = “64. Cerr fa orgiving 0, ought to come into t. Mr. is a not bruising my oats yet, 5s. For letting the moderate reformer, but does not think that the country will be satisfied children go ‘out in the east wind, £215. For inviting Jamon, whom | OU to eeny tanall x teagechenent to Cae.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 26, 1861. r / YM» flim, THaT INJURED INNOCENT THE Ex-KING OF NAPLES, IS ABOUT TO RETIRE Into Private Lire. Deicutrut Party To MEET SOME EVENING ! SENSE FROM “* MUSTER PUNCH, HONERD Sur, . “‘ Apnuy to dropp Inn for a } pint at the Blue Lying i’ve sin yar 2 Big picters of the SraBie and the Korricz which i thinks the shood be ung in ivery stabul in the kingdom and in this here thort thinks yar’ll probabble agree with Me. Our housen aint so Bad in 8 as ihears they most air in the Midlands, nor Suffuk aint so much of a huntin country nayther, cos Shutin’s the chief game amung the Rich fokes abouts, and when there’s such Presarves o° phezzants why there aint so many Phoxes as there is down hinder, cos a see them buds and animals they don’t no ways asaosiate but is inder like to Quorrel leastways eat each other up wheniver they’ve the Chance of it. “But tho we duznt Pigg togither 6 or Siven in a Bed, we isnt no ways too well off in the way of phood and cloathun, which my old cordereyes is werry nigh amost wore up and my old missus says as Ow she says she’s Sartin she can’t no hows make em stand a Second . Nor we aint too flush o food nayther I carnt say As we are, for things is nition deer, and 9 shillun a weak ye see it aint much of a Fortun to keep oneself and Wife and a matter of 8 children, leastwa: we’ve ony siven at present but there’s a Little un a combin arly in the Spring, and ls riz agin, and byes they’ve got sich aptites its y wholly staunin what wittals they cornsumes, espeshly this here whether when they’re slidun 4 the day and Snowballin the tuther, “ But what I wanted for to Say sir was that Masters ses sometimes as we dont Work as we mite, and when we Tarns a muck eap why we’re apt to take our Time and den’t seem in a hurry nor don’t care to wet our Jackets at it. Well, I don’t say it aint true as we’re kinder apt at times to try and Shirk a bit, and tarnin over muck ee SUFFOLK. it ain’t exsitin wurk sich as drivin a stage cutch, which they’re druv off the road in this here naybourood at least, cos we’s got the Rail at last though *twas a nition while a combin and a many fokes declared we shudent live to see it, but you know the Eastern Countess aint Remarkabul for speed, and so wun can’t well be surprised it wor so long acombin. But, Sir, if so be as how we scamps our work at Times taint not Us as is to Blame, its the wittals as is in us. Ye see whats trew of hosses is just as trew of Men. If yar wants em to work well why yar must feed em well, give em bellies full o carn and not leave em to makeshift with a bite or two o’ grass, or a stalk o strar istead on’t. So y’ see if faermers wants more work out of us Labrers, why it stands to sense and raison as they must keep us better. Taint likely as a chap what lives on bread and cheese with mayhap if he be lucky a scrap o’ meat on Sundies can work as well as him *s fed well every day on more Substarnsial dite. Hosses cant do more nor six or siven hours plowun unless yar gives em suthun extry in the way 0’ food at mealtimes, And how’s a man to buy a bit 0° steak for isself to say northun o’ pudden on 9 shillun a week, when out o’ that he have to pay his cloathes and doctors bill and keep his Wife and | famly from a goin to the Workus? A drop o’ beer too is a deal more : Nutrititious like than Tea, but in corse a man can’t brew on 9 shillins i; a weak, and the beer one gits at Beerousen is gi r Doctered. ; what 1 ses to Faermers as grumbles at our laziness is Pay us better | wagis and we’ll do better work. Gon us better Ousen and gon us better grub, in fack treat us more like Hosses and we’ll work as sich. But it taint in human natur fur a Man to goo on workun like a hoss when he aint no better fed nor stabled than a Jackass. * *T remane Sir yours Obejent to comandj “ CristoreR Cxopp.” * Down Tudnum way nigh Ipsidge, Thuzday Jinniwerry 17.” . THE SLAVE-OWNERS’ DECLARATION, AS PREPARED BY SOUTH CAROLINA, AND PROPOSED BY HER AS FITTING TO BE ADOPTED BY THE SLAVE-STATES. (By Repaired Atlantic Telegraph.) We, the States whose Representatives have subscribed to the |= following Declaration, : hereby assert and affirm, That all mankind have a perfect and equal right to treedom, if they can keep it. > That their being unable to keep it is a proof that they have no right to it. That the presence of any colouring matter in _ as in water, is a dat 4 offered by Nature, of the inferiority of the article. That. we have heard with unutterable — and contempt that Proressok Owen considers Apam and Eve to have had coloured | ins, and that we should like to leave the said Professor without |” any skin at all. x That the Lawfulness of yom | is clearly and indisputably proved from | the Bible, inasmuch as St. Paul, writing to OnzsrIMus, a slave, never told to run away. That if there were no other reasons for weheiting Stovery, ite dastardly and sycophantic meanness which would be shown in imitating the corrupt and exploded old Mother Country in abolishing the Insti- tution is enough to make every real American spit upon the pro- posal, and lynch the proposer. That Slavery is the most humane Institution in the world ; for, inas- much as half the sorrows of white persons arise from the sorrows of their husbands, wives, or children in forbidding a race to have any husbands, wives, or child to call their own, we deprive that race of one-half the suffering we undergo. That England has no right to say a word in the matter, while in Treland there is a Protestant Church, and all persons are hanged who do not attend it ; while Welsh is strictly forbidden to be used in the Debates of the English Parliament; while Scotchmen are forbidden to keep Unicorns; and while, close to London itself, she keeps the natives of a wretched island in such a state of demoralisation and misery that it is called the Isle . _ j ad That having thus proved from Scripture, from philosophy, from_phil- fone By and from ethnology, that Slavery is the noblest Insti- tution in existence, and that otism and self-respect alike forbid us to bring it into jeopardy, We hereby declare— ‘“. That we shall have great pleasure in nding 50,000 do to any one who will bring us the head of one ABRAHAM Lincon, and with still greater pleasure will we han 100,000 dollars to any one who will deliver us the said ABRAHAM LINCOLN alive. (Signed, &c.) They'll Warm Him. NotwITHsTANDING the severity of the weather, the Piedmontese managed to keep up a good fire for Kuve Francis at Gaéta. In fact, so,intense was the fire, that on more occasions than one the place was almost too hot to hold him. After the 19th, it is expected Victor KMMANUEL’s troops will subscribe together to give the “ Last of the Bovrzons” a little bit more fire, Such liberality, when the cold has been severe enough almost to freeze the milk of human kindness in every one’s breast, cannot be too highly applauded.

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So cheers be ef¢ January 26, 1861.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. EE THE TEMPERATURE OF PAUPERS. EVERAL Astronomers and meteorologists afford most useful and entertaining informa- tion in the letters which they write to the Times on the state of the weather. They are careful to particularise the tem- > perature of the atmo- = sphere in sundry situ- ations where it may be interesting to = know how hot or how cold it is. The degree at which the thermometer stands at the lodge in Ken- = sington Gardens is a *= matter with which it - is satisfactory to be acquainted; but there are other situations wherein the readings A RIDDANCE OF STATE RATS. At the last Meeting of the Statistical Society, in the course of a discussion which followed the reading of a paper by Ma. Leonr Levi, “On the Progress of the Public Expenditure of the United Kingdom :”— ‘“‘Mr. Hzywoop, referring to that part of Mr. Levi's paper respecting the payment of pensioners, said that pensions had been ted to the overian regiment that fought at Waterloo, but ose men such extraordinary longevity that until within the last six years pensions had been claimed for every one of them. Loud laughter.)” This story reminds us of the Hanoverian Rats, as the retainers of the illustrious House of Hanover were termed by the Jacobite Squires. Some of those vermin appear to have been eating up Joun Buut in the name of the Hano- verian soldiers who fought at Waterloo. None of them apparently were caught; they were only banished. rman jesters will perhaps tell us that we ought to be well satisfied with having at last got rid of our Hanoverian pensioners ; since, when those heroes fought at Waterloo, they made.themselves immortal. English Prize Bull. } the various Union “Tue Irish Directory,” said Brown. “Can Ireland of that instrument are | produce such a gy Pip to keep up national to of even more import-| character, it o PS ; ance; and therefore | accurate, it ought,” said Jonzs. might as well also he’ recorded and published. The temperature, during frost, of Workhouses, metropolitan and provincial, is a subject on which information is deficient and desirable. How stands Fahrenheit at Shoreditch, for example, in the asylum for the poor which is warmed by the charity for which the guardians of that district are so widely celebrated ? unders?” **Yes, to be A NEW RHYME TO AN OLD LINE, **Wuo shall decide when doctors di ee Puach, who decides that neither shall have fee. BGORES*® LEGAL SWEATERS. To find low charges in the law is so uncommon an occurrence that | “when found” we really think we ought to “make a note” of them. i The note we make, however, is not one of admiration: and if it par- | take rather of the nature of a query, it is because we hold the matter to bn questionable, although about its evil tendency we have very little doubt. A custom has obtained of late among law stationers and printers of sending circulars to the profession by whom they are employed, stating at what prices work will be received by them and punctually executed. The custom has obtained doubtless with the object of obtaining cus- tom, and every stationer pretends to cut out his compeers in the celerity and care with which the work he gets is done, and in the exceeding cheapness of his charges for it. Now, competition is a benefit, econo- mists agree; but when carried to extremes there is far more harm than good in it. The sweating system, as pursued by advertising tailors, produces many far from satisfactory results: and the same system, transplanted from the oe to the desk, can hardly be inseparable from the like effects. When we read of Mzsszs. Grinp- EMDOWN charging only eighteenpence for every score of folios they copy of a brief, and making “attested copies” for only twopence a score more, the usual charges being two shillings for the one, and for the other half a crown, we cannot help considering what manner of clerk it is that Messrs. Grrinpempown employs, and what resemblance he must bear to the starving needle-drivers whom the sweating tailors gradually wear out. But Messrs. GRinpEMpown, we find from the Circular before us (and, zomine mutato, we doubt not there are many GRINDEMDOWNS in town) offer still more tempting terms to lawyers who have work to give, and who wish to get their writing done as cheaply as they can, although they may not charge their clients one halfpenny less dearly for it. For engrossing deeds and wills and other Instruments on paper, Messrs. GRINDEMDOWN will charge but two shillings for every twenty folios entrusted to them, three and four- pence — the ordinary price; moreover in this case, and in the others we have died, Mosana. GRINDEMDOWN inform us that they make no charge for paper, of which they kindly make a present to the person who employs them, however unprofessional it may be so 0. Add to this that Messrs, Grispempown guarantee attendance gratis at the =e office, and therefore like some envelope makers, make no charge for stamping; that for the money they disburse there they allow you a month’s credit, except for stamps of large amount; and that as a climax to their wondrous generosity, on all their charges aforesaid, low as you may think them, they offer you a discount of Fifty per Cent. for cash within one month! add all these advantages to those already mentioned, and what lawyer in his senses would ite to give his work to Mussrs. GarxpEMpows, whose unexampled liberality it charms us to disclose ? But stop a bit. Before you try to unveil them from our alias and hand them in your briefs, consider for a moment the question we have put, and think what manner of man it is that Messrs. GamnpEmpowNn employ, to do the cheap and n-not nice work of which they are in quest. Out of the prices they have named their profits have to come, and how much of the residue is left for the machines—can you think they look like men ?—who drive the weary pen for them? Even ‘in an arm-chair, and by the side of a good fire, it is not pleasant, we know, to have to write much this cold weather; but how much do you think the slaves of Messrs. GRinDEMDOWN, the law-sweaters, must write, in order to earn enough to keep themselves from starving ? A BIT OF WEST-INDIA PICKLE. TRINIDAD is a very meritorious island, and its productions, such as sugar, ladies, cocoa, and other delicacies, are in deserved repute. But Mr. Punch is sorry to see by the last mail, that however refined may be the saccharine products of Trinidad, its language is by no means of the same graceful character. The last message from the island appeared in Saturday’s Zimes, and ran thus :— “The ATTORNEY-GENERAL’s bill for consolidating our rum ordinances was read a first time.” _ “Our rum ordinances ” is not a phrase by which a journalist should indicate the laws of his island, however much he may deprecate the edicts in question. “ Our singular legislation,” or “our incongruous statutes,” or “our eccentric decrees” would have been worthier of a delicate writer. We are very happy to admit the word Rum from Trinidad as a Noun, and also to admit into our cellar as much of the celebrated article itself as we can; but we decline to admit Rum as an Adjective, and West Indian friends at a distance will please accept all these notifications. Un Cuf is as Good as a Feast. Way should a classical scholar never attempt to count eggs more than one at a time ? Because he would be sure to count them ova and ova.—(Attributed to Bexnat Osporne, late of Dover and the Admiralty.) A SCOTCHMAN’sS* TRIUMPH. Wuew are the shares of a company like the Empzror or Cumya’s Summer Palace near Pekin ?—When they are a’/ooted, * Str ARCHIBALD ALISON,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, [January 26, 1861. THE NEW LADY GODIVA. FOREIGN TRAPS FOR ENGLISH FLATS. Foous and flats read the newspapers as well as other people. Else we should not see so often such advertisements as this :— A Large FORTUNE may be realised for ONE POUND only.—For particulars apply to Mr. , Banker, of Frankfort-on-the-Maine, or letters addressed to him, London. Now, every one except the fools and flats aforesaid knows well enough’ what sort of trap this lure is meant to bait. But because only the fools and flats are likely to be caught by it, we do not think we ought to tolerate its presence in our press. Lotteries are for- bidden by the English law, and the law, to be consistent, should put a stop to the announce- ment of them. Until this be done, however, we hold the editors of newspapers responsible for all the bling that ensues, in consequence of the advertisements to fools which they admit. We have as a rule, we own, small sympathy with our flats; but we must say that we hate to see them duped by foreign knaves, and angst their good English money in bad continental company. It isin the penny newspapers that the traps are mostly set; and as perhaps with the proprietors of the penny press the argumentum ad pocketum is the most werful to use, we would hint that every sovereign which in quest of a “large fortune” nds its way to Frankfort might have bought two hundred and “. ae of the newspaper in which the bait that lured it thither was imprudently displayed. If therefore editors have any wish to swell their ci tion they will not cede insertion to the snares of foreign **bankers,” in whose “ promises to pay” no Englishman should trust. A CHANCE FOR A NEW GODIVA. Wao has not read the idyll sweet — fe own ALFRED TENNYSON, OW DIV. since, Hones Coats Imposed upon Unelothed, save with her ity, She rode the city thorough ? The Poet tells us how the starving mothers Struck deep in that sweet s heart, Haw te gn Sek tami ow the am Resta erase, Would brook his hard condition. Who calls not up, the while he reads, > iotare, bright and tender— Those rippled ringlets to the knee Show in their golden splendour— The naked loveliness that steals From pillar unto pillar— The silence of those a streets That her steed’s makes stiller ? Again the plaint of hungry babe, he wail of desp’rate mother, The awful cry of agony , Not e’en strong men can smother, More loudly sound in Coventry Than in that olden day, When grim Eant Gopwin laid the tax His good dame took away! A fives Lord than Gopwin lays hard hand on the town: A heavier weight than Gopwin’s tax, Presses the people down. Gaunt Hunger lords it o’er the place With Plague, his henchman true ; The looms are still—shut up the mill— There is no work to do! Oh, where is the Goprva now This grim Lord to assuage ? Needs not that she ride naked As in the ruder age. Needs not with rippled ringlets’ veil, Her snowy limbs she hide ; With ribbons decked from head to heel, Behoves her but to ride. So peying. & our English dames " and do like me, To set the idle loom to work, The silent shuttle free. E’en as of old Goprva rode, nl at e, es, y In ribbons’ rainbow-wear. “And as Goprva’s name throughout Our England is renowned, So shall your names with blessing In Coventry be crowned. Naked she went, and not ashamed, For ruth her heart did move ; So in your ribbons men shall read Not vanity, but love.” Something Picked up at a Publisher’s Sale Dinner. First Bookseller. Do you know that young Grup Street, who has tried his hand at every- thing, and imitated everybody in turns, has changed his hand-writing? He now writes backwards. Second Bookseller, Ah! I suppose he’s trying to write like CraBBE ? Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No.19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park, both in the Parish of St Pancras, in the County of Middlesex. Printers, at their Office in Lombard Btreet, ii Sarvapar, January,26, 1861. in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by them at No. 86, Fieet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in the City of London.—

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON’ CHARIVARI. 43 THE CLERICAL MOUSTACHE MOVEMENT. O Shave or not to Shave ? that is the question which is just now agita- ting the Parsonic world. Whether ’tis better in the throat to suffer the stings and torments of an inflamed swallow, or to take armour ’gainst a host of troubles, and by not shaving end them P Certainly, at first thought, one hardly seems to fancy a Parson in moustaches, and woul almost as soon look to see a Quaker in them, Yet, after all, we cannot see why the former should not wear them, at least provided always . that they suit his style of face. We asscciate moustaches with military men; but then do not Clergymen belong to the Church Militant? All we fear , is, if the movement be generally followed, that - Parsons, if they join in it, will give themselves more (h)airs than they do at present, and we think there are enough apparent as it is. OUR ROVING CORRESPONDENT, “My pear Ponca, “Tae severity of the late weather, which had nearly frozen up energies as well as the contents of my inkstand, is past, m advantage of the thaw, when one’s ideas seem to flow more easily, to drop you a few lines, which I will preface with a hope that you ee enjoyed your Christmas. “For my part I always await that festive season with feelings of pleasure not altogether unalloyed. I am not thinking now of those provoking results of simple addition with which my bootmaker and tailor make a point of favouring me. I am not alluding to the playful eccen- tricities of my nephew Tom (set. 74) in whose company I was condemned to dine on the 25th of last month, who, in the exuberance of boyish spirits, is wont to treat my hair as a practicable bell-pull, and aeting on this ingenious hypothesis proceeds to unbutton my waistcoat by way of a street-door. I forgive the ‘ Waits,’ sithough they played ‘ OA, Willie, we have missed you’ under my bed-room window to such an awful extent during the Christmas week that [ was half inclined to wish that that erratic gentleman had deferred his return until the morning. But apart from these private and individual grievances, I have another in common with most brothers and he-cousins, viz., the duty of escorting some of my female relatives on their shopping excur- sions. They belong, Sir, to what I call the dorematic, or present-giving species—never forget birth-days, wedding-days, red-letter days, or any other occasion for indulging in their harmless propensity. Thus it comes to pass that I have, at this moment, eleven pairs of Berlin wool slippers which I could have ‘made up’ at any time (as I am assured by a respectable bootmaker in Oxford Street) for about five guineas seven smoking caps innocent of the noxious weed, and lying wrapped in silver paper in my bureau, Thirteen knives and pencil-cases at an average value of 33, 9d, each. Hight porte-monnaies apparently con- structed for the deposit of fourpenny bits. Two potichomanie jars, bosh. decorated with an elaborate pattern, the simplest element of which is the alternate representation of a blue rose and a mandarin in convul- sions, an embroidered waistcoat (in which I would as soon appear as in a pbilibeg) and farang thine tea-kettle holders lined with {moire antique, white satin, other appropriate material. All this, however, by the way, the main drift and object of this letter being to call your attention to the disagreeables which invariably attend that pursuit known in the domestic world as shopping. And observe in the first place that I exclude from my remarks at the outset all those supereminently swell establishments whose hereditary{prestige pan beyond the soounealy. of practising the great Touting Art. a4 hod instance | employ aro ; oa a may aa. Bucks to h my person at the of two eas per limb, I am quite sure that it will be done in the best new 44 manner with the least possible trouble to myself, Then again Pivercant’s gloves at four and nine- pence per pair are first-rate of their kind, and the young lady who d they, I should like to know disposes of them receives my cash with dignified composure, and allows me to leave her odoriferous counter unmolested. But suppose with my moderate income of say £ *** per annum I am unable to deal with those eminent firms; suppose I am selecting a pair of gloves at a shop in one of our great thoroughfares, why am [ to be told if-they (the gloves) are too sm they will stretch ; if they are too large that they will collapse with the ’eat of the ’and, or some such nonsense; why if I prefer drab am I to be informed that ‘green is mostly worn now, Sir;’ or if I ask for green that ‘nothing is so genteel as drab ;’ why if I complain that the kid is of indifferent quality, does Mr. SmiekKER, from behind the counter, say, ‘Sir?’ in a deferentially im- pudent manner, and pretend that he did not hear me? Why when I do repeat the o ration does he meet it with the remark, that it is very extraordinary, but that it is the first complaint he has ever heard of them, and that so far from their being dear at three-and-six, that they ought to be four shillings a pe: ought to be indeed, then why aren’t Finally, why when he has wrapt up my gloves, doesn’t he give them to me at once, instead of putting them aside, and saying. What will be the next article?’ in a tone which seems to imply, t if [ don’t lay out a pound or two my custom is not worth having! I reply, ‘nothing else, thank you,’ as politely as I can, and he immediately inquires again, ‘Anything in shirts, collars, "andkerchiefs, braces, draw—?” (in short, etcetera). When L shake my head he lifts down a great wooden tray, and taking up an elaborate sort of running noose composed of silk and flannel informs me that it is ‘termed’ the Californian cravat, and that he (Sm1RKER) considers it a very gentlemanly thing in ties. I sternly ask him for change, when out Cash!” (which he pronounces Kesh) he bangs my sovereign down on the counter, partly | suppose to see if it is a good one, and partly to impress me with an idea that he is a thoroughly business-like man, who gets through his work before you can say Jack Robinson. i t respect, however, his extraor- dinary energy defeats itself, for the money drops on the floor, and he loses ten minutes in looking for it. While Kesu, who is a bilious looking little boy in a round jacket, and horribly precocious at accounts, is gone for the ge to bis den fone suggests the idea of a regiment of cricket stumps escalading a family pew), Smrmxker thinks I had better let him put me up the Californian cravat, but as I don’t concur in that opinion, I am allowed to depart in a great rage, while SminkeR keeps his temper admirably, and bows me out. “Now, my dear Mr. Punch, 1 appeal to you, is not this sort of thing a dreadful nuisance, and haven’t I a right to complain of it? Why can’t I go into ashop and buy a pair of es without being subject to an inguisition respecting the rest of my wardrobe. Good Heavens, can’t a man ask for what he wants! If I were to go over to my baker’s, and invest in an Abernethy biscuit, de you suppose Mas, Baxer would say * Want anything in rusks, hot muffins, tops and bottoms?’ or, ‘This is a sweet thing in tea-cakes, Sir! Better let me put you up that quartern loaf. ‘This is what we term the Bohemian bun, &c.’? Of course not, and why should touting be tolerated in one case more than another. And if Mzssrs, SmrrKker anp Fram keep a shop, why the deuce can’t they call it a shop instead of a mart or an ium! Am I to be dazzled by these high-sounding titles or their gaudy shop front ? Do they think to impose upon me with their gilded eorniees ? Do they suppose I cannot see through their plate s. Oh, Moxues. Lucy, Lavra, Louisa, Beatrice, Besse, and Buancue, who read these words in these truly ‘hard times,’ have @ care how you ‘shop’ and beware of wondrous bargains, Every good bonnet, meff, or shawl that you buy is worth its fair price, neither more nor less, and if you find Messrs, SMIRKER AND F'Lam underselling their neighbours, depend on it something is wrong somewhere, either the goods are inferior or some poor needlewoman is underpaid. Don’t believe in ‘ Bankrupt, Sales’ and Tremendous Sacrifices.’ When you see ‘Must be Sold this day,’ remember that the words may apply to you more than to what you see ticketed. As for the sacrifice, you yourself may be the innocent lamb ready for immolation. Sacrifice, indeed! if Mz. SmrxKer were really making a sacrifice, do you suppose he would go to the expense of red and yellow printed posters to tell youso? My dear girls, bargains are , and ‘ Alarming sacrifices’ a delusion and a snare. If you want good things, go to a good shop, and pay a fair price for it. “Such, my dear Punch, is my advice to the opposite or crinolined sex who may be just now making their numerous New Year’s pur- chases. As for myself, I am not likely to make any, but if Messrs. SMIRKER aND Fiam should ask me ‘ What will be the next article?’ I sball refer them to your number for this week. In which, I also wish you the compliments of the season, and remain, “ Yours faithfully, “Jack Ease.” Revival of the Order of Flagellants. Tut Yankees say, “ the Britishers whip the rest of the world, and we whip the Britishers.” Now they seem to “ealkilate they ’re gwine to whip theirselves.” VOL, &L, F

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Feprvuary 2, 1861. PaRTY WITH THE Skates (who knows he has paid the right fare toa penny). “ Why, what do you make out your fare is, then?” Cappy. ‘* What do I make out my fare is ? oe OT (SEER EEE SS SS oe . 2 — 2a ces Well, 1 shouldn’t a wolunteered the obserwation without you’d a arst me, but if you want to know my opinion, I should say he was a mean > Umbug—there !” GENTLEMEN WHO HAVE AN INTEREST IN KEEPING THEIR HEADS COOL. Tue gentlemen who have the entrée of the Stock Exchange have at last got permission from the Gresham Committee to have a glass covering erected over the inner court. precaution exactly confirms the opinion we have always entertained of Stock-brokers: viz., that with all their habits of speculation, they have always sufficient sense to provide against i n this instance, their object covertly is to shelter themselves against too Some of the ducks are so lame, apparent! Besides, the rain might tell tales; it might un very hardened sho that they are actually afraid of ortunately, by falling on a pair of | dark—that is what I call Chaos! Men are not ders, let drop the secret as to who was solvent, and who was not. For ourselves, we never knew till now that a City man was so easily melted. However, considering the handsome way in which these speculative gentlemen recently subscribed towards the 1 the last to begrudge them a covering over their heads in their old age. *p -jobbers and brokers, you may take your cucumber-frame, only frame your transactions | the rest of the day, that are —— by the accordingly ; for mind, if you go in for a fall, it may inadvertently lead to a rise, You must } latter practice, surpasses all all and each of you keep as coo firmed Old Bachelor. EDWIN JAMES’S CLERK. “‘ Mr. James said that Lorp Jon Russet’s Reform Bill had cost £5000. He had got a clerk who could draw . Damp in Twenty Minutes.”— Report of Speech at Mary- ne. O Enetanp dear, when peril’s near Thy Constitution’s sacred ark, There ’s one who knows her course to steer, And that is Epwix James’s Clerk. In other days what Epwin says Is scarcely worth so much remark, But now we ’ll raise the song of praise To James, and eke to James’s Clerk. O Little Joy, come, down upon Thy little knees, and Russet, hark! A better Bill than thine, Lorp Joun, Shall come from Epwin Jamzs’s Clerk. Ho! beat the drums, the patriot comes Like JoszepH Hume or Joan or Aro, To save Joun Buu no end of sums Of tin, does Epwin James’s Clerk. Ho! raise the song’and ask how long, ’ __Enshrined in Temple Chambers dark, Has lurked the sage so wise and strong, Disguised as Epwin James’s Clerk ? 7. did he shirk so long his work | (Or as our Scottish friends say, wark,) Nor shone our Cuatuam, Pitt, or Burke, But stuck as Epwin James’s Clerk ? Whence came the buck, from Rum, or Muck, From Guernsey, Alderney, or Sark, Or what proud island else has luck To claim great Epwix James’s Clerk ? And can he write what’s fair to sight, Or can he only make his mark, And what’s the height, and ‘appetite, Of Mr. Epwin James’s Clerk ? And does he keep good hours for sleep, And rise at morning with the lark ? Oh! could we but obtain a peep At Mr. Epwin Jamzs’s Clerk. | Let’s know the way he likes to stray, The Regent’s or Saint James’s Park, We thirst to learn the smallest trait In Mr. Epwin James’s Clerk. Hath he for pegs two handsome legs, Or was one bit off by a shark? We will, as sure as eggs is eggs, Know more of Epwin Jamgs’s Clerk, Say, if for pets, small dogs he gets, Or cats, because they never bark ? Let’s have some information, let’s, Concerning Epwin James’s Clerk, One question more, and then give o’er, Ere wonder sends us staring stark : What must the mighty Being be, Who’s Master to that Awful Clerk ? Chaos. A Woman putting your room to rights—just after you have been arranging everything to your satisfaction, and elaborately assorting your papers with such methodical care that you could put your finger upon each separate one in the more awkward in handling women’s babies than women are in fingering men’s papers. The mis- chief, and damage, and endless annoyance of irit, and thorough disturbance of temper for elief—.4 Con- —_——_—

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Fesruary 2, 1861.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. j a z| a. = / ; Wanitcnrffs ee EFFECTS OF THE THAW—“ POOR FROZE OUT ICEMEN.” Chorus. ‘‘We’ve got no Work to do-00-0000 ! ” MIRACULOUS HAIR-CUTTING. Tue beard movement is making some progress in the Church, but we doubt whether the hirsute cultivation of our clergymen is attended with such ease and certainty of growth as appears to be attained in the Church of the Carmine, whereof we have these details from a Naples correspondent of the Morning Post :— “This morning I have witnessed a very singular religious ceremony. I was struck by the passing along the street of a huge old rumbling gilt coach, resembling that which Lovis THE THIRTEENTH had made for himself. On inquiry I learned that it was for conveying the Gonfaloniere of Naples, with his secretaries, his sub- stitutes, his councillors, in fact. his whole official train, to the Church of the Carmine, there to assist at the solemn rite of cutting the hair of a celebrated crucifix in that temple. I trust your readers will not smile with incredulity at the mention of this fact, which recurs annually on the 26th of December in the church aforesaid. The church contains a large crucifix, with the head inclined over the right shoulder, and the face almost covered by clustering locks of hair. The friars of the church and the superstitious people affirm that this hair grows every year. Woe to the man who in the neighbourhood of the Carmine should venture to express the slightest doubt respecting the annual growth of this miraculous scratch-wig. He would be torn limb from limb by the fanatical and infuriated mob. The officers of the municipality give their public sanction to this mummery by repairing in all state to the church, attending during the proceedings, and attaching their signatures to the minutes of the rite thus annually performed on the 26th of December. At the moment when the hair is cut by one of the friars a signal is given outside the church, and th ‘upon ds of crackers proclaim by their explosion this miracle and triumph of the faith.” Such a “cracker” as the story of hair annually sprouting from a figure on a crucifix is fitly published by the firing of a lot of children’s crackers, whose a proclaims the childish nature of the bounce. How the great Gonfaloniere contrives to keep his countenance, when he lends it to so barefaced and impudent a trick, is more than, with our present reans of knowledge, we can guess. He must really be pos- sessed of no common self-command to prevent himself from laughing at the miserable imposture; and were it not that he is backed up by his secretaries and councillors, we question very much if he could go through with the business. Although by a strong effort he might perhaps suppress al! facial signs of his hilarity, we think that he must shake so with internal cachinnation that he must find it vastly difficult to put his signature, as stated, to the minutes of the rite; and if in these same minutes he be required to make a note as to the number of the moments which it took to cut the hair, we fear the humour of the joke would completely get the better of him, and the explosion of the am would be drowned in the explosion of his laughter at the rick. But may we not suggest that while the priesthood are about it, they might turn their so-called “ miracle ” to a more practical account, and reap a still more bounteous harvest from their crop? Why, should they not stick a barber’s pole outside the church, and publicly an- nounce that the hair cut from their crucifix was grown entirely through the means of some miraculous manure, for which they were possessed of the original recipe? An advertisement like this would be certain to attract, for the promise of a head of hair to persons who are bald is a capillary attraction that few men could resist. We will wager were a priest or two to walk about in front of the Church of the Carmine, with placards stating that the hair-oil which yearly worked the miracle might be had within, a considerable revenue would be added to their coffers. When trade grew dull a picture might be added to the posters, representing the crucifix before the hair was cut from it, exhibiting of course a most prolific crop, which, a scroll might state beneath it, was of only one year’s growth. “Do You WANT LUXURIANT Love-Locks? Ir so, TRY OUR SAINTED Hatr-o1,” might be a taking head-line in the Naples newspapers ; and the well-known brace of figures might be borrowed from our prints, and parodied to puff the produce of the priests : the one picture portraying a man with a bald head and a very rueful countenance, and the other representing him with a most splendid crop of hair, an holding up to notice a small bottle in his hand, while from his mouth the motto issued—“Ha/ ha! Grown in a twelvemonth!” Worse and Worse! Wnar’s the difference between a Man with a sore throat and a Manilla cheroot ? Why, the one is a Man ill, and the other’s a Man iller. (Don’t frown, reader, please. The cold weather has real’y frozen up our flow of wit, and this is the first symptom of its having begun to thaw,

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fusruary 2, 1861, WANTED A SPONSOR. Lord P. “ Wat aaatn, Mrs. Russetp? Reatty——” WE DON’T BELIEVE A WORD OF IT. Ir seems that the housekeepers at several of the Govern- ment offices have the privilege of selling beer to the clerks; | and it is also said (for it does not come within our know- | ledge either to endorse or repudiate the scandal), that the clerks are not above availing themselves of the said pri- vilege rather frequently congo Bae course of the day. A onpenied old gentleman, who has been in the habit for the last six months of waiting on business at most of the Government offices, and by this time is rather tired of his fruitless o¢cupation, says this habit of periodical drinking may account for the conduct of most of the young clerks being so extremely ing. It only proves what savage things the absence of a little common. civility | and attention will sometimes expose gentlemen of educa- tion to be accused of, on the part of those whose vindic- | tiveness is all the more embittered by their igno- rance, though we must aay, at an ignorant person is somewhat apt to be a little vindictive after he been | kept waiting for half an hour. However, gentle- | men clerks of the Government offices, we ask you whether | this charge, which seems to take its bitterness from the | beer that is said to be dispensed, be true or not? Not true, of course! We fally expected as much from gentle- | men of your recognised abilities ies and notoriously high | standing; and, to exonerate ourselves from any participa- tion in the above wicked scandal can only say that we shall be most happy to give up the name and address of | the elderly gentleman who has furnished us with the above | information to any one, who, from the altitude of a Govern. | | One of the Service. ment stool, applies for the same. Wao says that our Officers are not scholarsP A real Swell, the other day, actually quoted the words Dura ilia | messorum, and actually translated them, too,—I always have indigestion after dining at mess!” | Tse Fiast Rute on Recorp.—The Rule that Nep- | tune (then sitting in Banco) gave to Britannia to rule the | waves, The Rule has been made absolute ever since. | THE REALITY OF CLOUD-LAND. * Dear Mr, Puncu, “ Some time ago you made some observations on the deformed skulls lately found at Wroxeter, representing them as probably being the skulls of ogres, like Coxmoran, and BLunpeRBORE, and the other monsters exterminated by Jack THE Giant KILLER. “ You will be grieved to hear that those remarks of yours have incurred the severe condemnation of a local gemius, a Mr. Peacock, who on account of them, has denounced you in a Guide Book to ‘The Won- derful City of Uriconium,’ as a ‘flippant and ignorant writer,’ who has made ‘a gratuitous attack upon what is serious and scientific,’ and that ‘in language equally absurd and indelicate.’ You may be alive after all his invective ; but, if you read it, you will be very ill for some time. The effect, Mr. Punch, of the squall of Pzacock will be a squeak for you. ** Never mind. You have a mind which is conscious of being always in the right. Allow me to call your attention to a fact which strongly corroborates the view propounded by you that nursery romance, so called, is real history. I allude to the coloured rain which fell at Sienna, on the 28th of December last, and whereon M. Grovanni Campant has just published a letter, addressed to the celebrated Pro-| fi resson Matrevcci, An account of the phenomenon is given in the On the day and at the place above-named, three distinct showers of red rain fell; the first of them ~"- two hours. Again on the 3lst of December, and once more on the Ist of January, it rained a species of red ink. You are, no doubt, aware that the same thing has often occurred before. The nature of the red stuff in the rain varies, At Blankenburg, in 1819, it is stated to have been chloride of cobalt. In this instance the water has been ascertained by Pro- FESSORS GABRIELLI and CampaNnti to contain no cobalt at all. It must, however, be a chemical solution of something, for it deposits no gy which it would do if the redness consisted of animalcules or fungi, “ Now, Sir, you know likewise that there are such things as meteoric stones, and also that frogs and fish are credibly related to have fallen out of the air. Whirlwinds and waterspouts have been supposed to | —— explain the showers of fish and frogs; but whirlwinds will not explain the fall of stones and red rain, any more than they would explain a rain of cats and dogs, which we believe to be possible—do we not? “T need not point out to you—though I may to my readers—the strong corroboration that the descent of so many different things from the sky affords to the popular legend of Jack and the Bean-Stalk. dare say it will turn out that the red matter in the rain which fell at Sienna is, I was going to say, the blood of a giant shed by some modern climber of an aérial bean-stalk which may still be growing in sovne | part of the world. But no, The red particles of the giant’s blood would have subsided. Allow me to advise Camrani and GaBRIBLLI to test the doubtful fluid for alcohol. It is, perhaps, some of the giant’s genuine claret, which he may have spilt himself, or which has eseaped from his bottle, the champion perhaps having knocked it over. “This is a suggestion calculated-to make a Peacock flutter, and ferociously cock up the plumes of his fantail, Let your friend Pzacock rather put it in his pipeandsmokeit. | “T am, dear Punch, a whole hog Spiritualist, and your constant reader, “ Fives.” “ P.S. Talk of Table Rapping! I believe we shall have tables and chairs, ay, and coalscuttles, and fire-irons, and all manner of domestic | urniture, utensils, goods, and chattels, tumbling down upon us one of | these days. I fully expect that there will ere long occur a rain of | unknown coin, which must convince the most sceptical. When we do | have a golden shower, I only hope it will fall in my way.” The Chinese Campaigner. (To his Ladye Love.) I Pt oe all, it ot peas, ‘hough poor offering be; My heart and Joo? is all the store at 1 can give to thee. TrxtoraL CupMistRy.—Great absorbents are small reflectors.

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oo Omi r@eit ee Bd a2a2ere u -Y Feeravary 2, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON: CHARIVARI. fy s RG | aL." a 7 hy }) " ) ® y g INotwithstandin C ip 4, ) Ca ‘ SS al 4) } ie nk Va 2 THE ASS AND HIS RIDER. ANTED a considerable number of spirited and wealthy young gentle- men as Cornets to serve in Her Masegs- ty’s Cavalry Regi- ments. Each young entleman must either e entitled to immense wealth, or else be the son of a father who will draw a cuegse ed any amount to pay for his outfit, find fin in chargers at from £100 each, and defray his mess-bills and all the other expenses which the usages of his regi- } ment may require him | to contract, Such is the form of handbill which, oul framed and glazed, will soon ne- cessary to sus in the lobbies boxes ra tbe opm and ie es, inj princi, elub-rooms, and all other fashionable places ; and also about the City and in the Stock Exchange. The fact is, that to enter a Cavalry i- ment a youth must either actually or pro- spectively and potentially a millionnaire; that is, if he means to be comfortable in his corps. the sumptuary memorandum which the Duxs or Camprinex has addressed avalry Regiments, expense and extravagance in those corps continue to be he order of the day. Young officers unable to keep pace in prodigality with their com- ades are considered mean; and the regiment soon becomes, not indeed too hot, but too cold, which is just as bad, and, at any rate, too unpleasant to hold them. Wanted, therefore, sons of opulent usurers and other wealthy City men to accept Cornetcies n crack Cavalry Regiments. cra A I Wanted also Cavalry Regiments, which young men will enter principally with the view of serving their country, and not that of faring sumptuously, and essing magnificently, and indulging in wasteful debauchery to its honour and glory. It is a wonder how there can be any light dragoons; for a horse worth £150 odd must arry a load of wealth on his baek. E . His rider should be a heavy pecuniary swell. Intrin- ically he may be worth less than his horse. If his purse pride and expensive vanity are ng the Army in one of its chief branches, he is worth less than nothing to any body but And is a lady’s graceful dower, Endeared alike to cot and tower, Round which the little Busy Bee Improves each shining hour, And gathers honey all the day From every opening flower, From every opening flower, flower, flower, From every opening flower. How skilfully she builds her cell, How neat she spreads her whacks, And labours hard to store it well, With the sweet food she makes, With the sweet food she makes. With the sweet food she makes, makes, es, When rising just as morning breaks, The dew-drop from the leaf she shakes, And oft the sleeping moth she wakes And diving through the flower she takes, The honey with her fairy rakes, And in her cell the same she cakes, Or sports across the silver lakes, Besides her children, for whose sakes, How skilfully she builds her cell, How neat she spreads her wax, And labours hard to store it well With the sweet food she makes. In works of labour or of skill, T woul usy too, For Satan finds some mischief still For idie bands to do, For idle hands to do, For idle hands to do, do, do, Things which thereafter they will rue, When Justice fiercely doth pursue, Or conscience raises Cry and Hue, And evil-doers look quite blue, When Peelers run with loud halloo, And Magistrates put on the screw, And then the wretch exclaims, Boo-hoo, In works of labour or of skill I wish 1’d busied too, For Satan ’s found much mischief still, For my two hands to do. There! Would a Poet get much reputation for these Variations, which are much better in their way than most of those built upon tunes. Would the poetical critics come out, as the musical critics do, with “‘ Upon Warts’s marble foundation Bueers has raised a sparkling ala- baster palace;” or, “ The old-fashioned Warts has been brought into new honour by the RR _—_ ee OOS Be eet ree © -r See te élincellant Buceins ;” or “We love the old tune, but we have room in our hearts for the fairy-like fountains of bird-song which Buecins has bid start from it.” Mr. Punch has an idea that Bueeins would have no such luck; the moral His po position would be that of officer in a regiment of neither cavalry nor nfantry—not of foot, but a modification of horse. Cavalry is named from eguus caballus; but he equus asinus is the animal on which the dandy dragoon would be most suitably mounted. 1'o coin a popularly intelligible word exactly corresponding to cavalry, wotld perhaps be flifficult, but the troops in question, donkey-regiments, might be conveniently named the v I D Mokery. Your dashing young spendthrifts would be just the right men in the right places, | to be deduced from which fact is, that a Musical a _— they would distinguish themselves, if the seat of every one of them were the haunch | Prig is luckier than a Poetical Prig. bf a jackass, Ss Se Wanted, a Garibaldi for Cottonopolis. MancuestER Gaol for Debtors, is, (according to an elaborate and apparently trustworthy report which has just appeared) a worthy rival of the prison dens at Naples and elsewhere, recently thrown open. The unfortunate debtors are stated to be treated with a brutality—especially as re- gards the sick—which makes us quite proud of Manchester. The system of espionage, harsh- ness, insult, and tyranny, as described by the complainants, is truly creditable to a city that is always clamorous about reforms. Mr. Punch has no evidence on the subject but the state- ments in the papers, but if one quarter of what is there charged be true, the sooner a Manchester And gather honey all the day Garibaldi appears the better for the unhappy From every opening flower, debtors From waned opening flower, flower, flower, ; ee That sparkles in a breezy bower, And gives its sweetness to the shower, An Opp Boor.—Italy has often been com- pared to a Boot; but, what is still more odd, it Exhaling scent of gentle power, p ; i. ae That lasts on kerchief many an hour, is a Boot that is not without its Gaéta. THE VARIATION HUMBUG. THERE is perhaps more Humbug talked, printed, and practised in reference to Music han to anything else in the world, except Politics. And of all the musical humbugs extant it occurs to Mr, Punch that the Variation Humbug is the greatest. This party has not even the sense to invent a tune for himself, but takes somebody else’s, and starting herefrom, as an acrobat leaps from a spring board, jumps himself into a musical reputation on the strength of the other party’s ideas. Mr. Punch wonders what would be thought of a poet who should try to make himself renown by this kind of thing—taking a well-known poem of a predecessor’s and doing Variations on it after this fashion :— BUGGINS'S VARIATIONS ON THE BUSY BEE. How doth the Little Busy Bee Improve each shining hour,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fepruary 2, 1861. THE THAW AND THE STREETS! Hh |! 1) {CULDEORD.S° i ——=— | ToMKINS, WHO HAS JUST FAID HIS Rate FOR Pavine, CLreansine, &c., GOES FOR A WALK IN HIS IMMEDIATE NEIGHBOURHOOD, HE Is, OF COURSE, MUCH GRATIFIED AT THE WAY IN WHICH THE CLEANSING PART OF THE BUSINESS IS MANAGED. THE EMPEROR ON THE ICE.—(WINTER-PIECE BY JENKINS.) Dear Emperor! He is so good, So kind, so nice, so charming !— How can our vulgar papers talk Of his designs alarming! Make him a bugbear, plotting plots, Intriguing, dodging, arming ? The monarch of a potent realm, The chief of mighty armies, And yet so affable,—his smile An unresisted charm is, Scarce less than that sweet Evcinin’s ho hanging on his arm is! He walks about his Capital | Without the least pretensions, Like a good angel, guarded But oy his good intentions ; No day but some kind deed of his Some loyal journal mentions. When ragged gamins sigh for sous, the EMPEROR ’s near to tip them ; When ladies drop their mouchoirs, there He stands, from earth to whip them, And with consummate grace into The owner’s hand to slip them! And last we read how, on the ice, The Frost, by high jinks, féting, He and his great ones of the Court Went simply out a-skating,— The Empress and her ladies fair Propelled by Lords-in- Waiting. | | And I, a happy Jenxrns, there By good hap chanced to wander, And saw the sight—oh blesséd chance, On such a scene to ponder ! The water-fowl, methought, were bless’d— Aswan at least, each gander ! How from rich furs and velvet hoods Peeped forth sweet high-born faces ! Each dainty nose, red-tipped with frost, Thereby acquired new graces : Those nobles and great officers How god-like were their paces! Not Eveinie’s sweet self more pass’d Her ladies, face and figure in, Than did the Emperor exceed — _ His nobles, grace and vigour in. Spread-eagles, eights, and N’s with crowns Incomparably figuring! Then to me, JENKins, gazing there In rapt respectful silence, (And not to fall upon my knees, Doing myself a vi’lence,) There came some thoughts, the world ought not _ To let die, till a while hence. Methought this ice is Europe’s stage, Deep waters ’neath it slumber. Its surface stagg’ring potentates, Who cut strange figures, cumber. Only Naro.Eon moves at ease Of all the tott’ring number. He with devices intricate The watching crowd doth puzzle: Back, front, in, out, gyrating quick, ‘Their eager ken to chuzzle. Till baffled curiosity In sulks itself must muzzle. Now shoves the sledge where Italy But half awake doth shiver ; Now stops it short, as if he feared ’T were tumbling in the river, And his the task from risks unseen That fair freight to deliver. Now lends a hand to prop from falls Unwieldy Pio Nono ; Now leaves that poor old gentleman Vy Mita uto sono!” p While Victor his coat-pocket picks, * Italie pro bono ;””— To BomBattyo’s cry for help Now shouts “Oh, yes!” now “Oh, no!” Now takes, in seeming friendly tow, Austria’s bull-headed Kaiser, (Who follows lovely Italy, And with hot glances eyes her), Now leaves him in a fix to grow, At cost of wetting, wiser. So on he drives, like Virert’s bull, “* Per levia, per virgulta,? Till not a single potentate In all that crowned consulta Knows if to count him as a prop, Or as a catapulta,

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SRR SORSHS RAPE & FROSBNRPr os 5 ABP ACL ES. AMR PA ES os |

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Fepavary 2, 1861.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 51 I thought—those strong and skilful skates What if this master-figurant, i flyi ho nothing seems to stick at, For whom no wheel too sudden is, No labyrinth too intricate, Broke in or slipped, where under-streams The ice’s edge run quick at ? et are far, Froze up and wherry, Darksome and deep the water’s sleep, And the ice dangerous—very. What royal hands, of all around That he first took, then ey them, Would reseue him, that in the hole So oft has left or popped them ? Had not his skates been roya! ones, JENKusS had rushed and stopped them! MARONITES AND MARTYRS. By way of squarin counts with the Druse tribes, the Maronite ‘Bishops have united in de- manding of the Turkish ‘and French forces in Syria, the slaughter of four thou- sand Druses, te balance \the massacres which those other barbarians committed llast summer on the Maro- Zi inites. It appears, however, A. .\ ithat the Druses slew the ) }Maronites in self-defence, or at least under bodily » ifear, into which they had ) jbeen thrown by a pastoral iS) & the Rient ReveREND ac- K SEPHRONIUS, Bishop of Tyre and Sidon, inviting his flock, on a day ap- pointed, to rise upon the \Druses, and, with a view ito plundering their pro- perty, to slay them. Te ve: nforce this exhortation, the Bishop chiefly insisted on the meee that the Druses were.a race neither warlike nor numerous, an therefore might be robbed and murdered with great facility. ; SzrHronivs, and his brothers of the Druse episcopacy, rejoice in communion with the Roman See. The Holy Father was moaning the other day over the woes of his Maronite children, at the same time much more loudly bewailing his own. Those victims seem not to have been quite such meek martyrs as they were painted by his Holiness. The massacre of the Maronites, apparently, was quite a different thing from the massacre of the Innocents. Kishor SzrHRonivus and his mitred colleagues at any rate evidently understand Christian forgive- ness to mean the return of injuries with usurious interest. If all that _we are told of SzpHrontus is true, that worthy is simply a brigand. What does the Pore think of such a Prelate? ‘That he would make a good Premier, perhaps,—if anything happened to AnTonzELLI. Otherwise, his Holmess might be disposed to think that SepaRonius might do better than rule the Chureh of Tyre and Sidon. He might conceive that such an ornament of the Catholic hierarchy might be advantageously translated. In that case he would perheps constitute SeruRonius the Archbishop of Dahomey é# partibus, and his brethren who demand the death of four thousand Druses his suffragan bishops. Whenever Kine Bapanune wanted to fill a blood-pond, he would, no a _ SEPHRONIUS and his Clergy only too happy to consecrate ie work, PARLIAMENTARY REHEARSALS, (By our Theatrical Reporter.) THe Rehearsals for the approaching Parliamentary Performance are now regularly proceeding, and we are happy to be able to say that the actors are very forward in their parts, indeed almost letter-perfect. We have been privileged to pay visits to the stage while these interesting preparations were going on, but it would be manifestly unfair to the tre to forestall the interest of startling novelties by any premature disclosure of the character of the performances. We would rather excite than satisfy the curiosity of the public by men- tioning that Mr. Dizzy has a very good part, of an entirely novel kind, in which he has some splendid declamation about the Church of his Fathers, and some fine samples of Rating for his antagonists. Mz. RussgLL is once more fitted with an historical character, with truly S British appeals to Magna Charta, and other patriotic sentiments; but | © we are almost afraid that the day for this kind of thing has gone by. Mx. Pawmy has a part in which his 0 bag ge style will be well exemplified; and the way in which he wili suddenly turn the tables upon an Italian adventurer, who is supposed to hold the key of the situation of the drama in question, will bring down, or we mistake, a burst of applause from all sides. Dexsy is, we are happy to say, quite recovered from his illness, and is rehearsing an excellent sarcastic and eg ey oe in which his unmatched elocution will be very effective. Mn. STONE, 80 far as we could make out, does not seem at ease with what he will have to do, and complains that there is “something wanting,” and that he shall tax the endurance of the audience; but we make no doubt that when he warms to his wo acquit himself with his accustomed brilliancy. Mn. Beteens has a tremendous part, perhaps one of the Tis Bealtigh, or, Maes Behe pemitty shack ton aeeton, ankrupt, or, 4 rehears' ast session, and we are certain that this artist will busid himself a permanent reputation henene De Ma. Axeyut will sustain his favourite part of the Young Duke, says that he has toned down a good deal cee ae ee halon Ce pin ilotnt wis Me re we we ve, again wi RS. Roxzsvck in the Shrew, and those excellent old women, Mus. RopEn, . Pramazonn CaMPse.t, and Mrs. Monteactz, will, in the course of the season, sustain their respective parts of Mrs. Cantwell, Mrs. Mumblebumble, and Mrs. Bore. Before concluding this brief notice we must in all friendliness caution the management to throw more energy into their business. The waits between the acts are a great deal too long, the performances conclude at far too late an hour, and the refreshments are not very good and are dear. Public confidence is only to be got by desert. We also hope that steps will be taken to put an end to the scandalous practice of paying extra for seats—in fact, bribing those who have the power to put people in. No respectable theatre now permits this, and it is contrary to the habit of the age. We also protest against the slovenly appearance of the Bills, some of which are full of blunders, and others of holes, and this really must be at: to. Subject to we wish the Westminster Theatre a successful season. CHILDREN IN CRINOLINE. |. Iv is an old saying, that the child is father of the man; and if this | be so, we fancy it.can hardly be less true that, when feminine, the child |. |is mother of the woman. On this account we grieve to see the rage there is at present for dressing little girls in Crinoline on every state | occasion, if indeed they are not so costumed in ordinary life. Ata | juvenile party where we lately danced attendance, we computed that | the belle of the evening (aged four) was fully six times and a half as | broad as she was long: and many of the other little ladies who were bag were in their magnitude of petticoat almost equally as great. | Now, if the love of a large flounce be implanted in a child, the chances are, we think, that it will grow with the child’s growth, and will every ear become increasingly ptt vee They who look therefore for | Crinoline to be diminished and discarded, can scarcely see much hope | for this in seeing children wear it. On the contrary, the chances are | that when our little my grow up, they will be found far more exten- sive in their dress than were their mothers: and if their descendants | increase in the like fashion, there will really be no guessing how pre- | posterous a petticoat will be displayed by our (with emphasis we may | regard them as) great granddaughters, Dinner and Tea Traits. You never hear one woman invite another woman out to dinner, any more than yon ever hear one man ask another to come and take tea with him. No! it would seem that women’s hearts melted and softened over the tea-cup, and that men’s souls flew open to each other with the table-cloth. Who is there to explain it? It takes several knives and forks to dig into a man’s secret nature, whereas the simple key of the ddy will unlock a woman’s breast at any time.— The Hermit of the Haymarket, THE NAKED TRUTH. Hz who travels through life in the hope of jumping into the of another, mostly goes on a bootless errand. No Orrance ro Bacon.—The Last Novum Organon, That in St. Paul’s, “You GIVE MB QUITE a TURN,” as the Thief remarked when he was put upon the Treadmill. ’

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, [Fepruary 2, 1861. THE ONLY CURE. THE MODERN GOVERNESS. A Youne Lapy’s Inga or tHE Use oF CRINOLINE! A Srrone-minpED Lady says that the only possible way of curing gentlemen of the filthy habit of smoking is for the ladies to enter into a solemn compact to adopt the same practice themselves. The gentlemen would then see how disgusting as well as senseless the custom was of their respect to decency, if not to reason, they would be compelled to abandon it. ‘The lady in rea (we are at liberty to state that she occupies a very high rank in the First Belgravian Blues) authorises us to state that she does not mind being the first herself to set the noble example. She is perfectly ready and willing to immolate herself on the ashes of a cigar, or even a pipe, for the benefit of her suffering sisters. Anything to shame the gentlemen out of their selfishness, and to ridicule them into a sense of the proper respect that ought to be paid to the Superior Sex. Other incense than that of tobacco- smoke, she maintains, is Lovely Woman’s due! and, out FASHION FOR THE FIREPLACE. We have seen a sweet thing in muslin for mornin dress. It is a light and beautiful fabric, admirably adapte for expansion on the most extensive Crinoline. But the pattern of itis that which is so very pretty. It is figured all over with flames and little grotesque figures, constitu- ting, in fact, a charming imitation of the vestment in which the Spanish Inquisition used_to adorn the victims about to be sacrificed at an auto da fé. Indeed, in the vocabulary of fashion, this elegant and ladylike garment has been christened the “Samarra.” The idea of it has been suggested by the numerous cases wherein ladies have lately been burnt alive in consequence of their delightfully wide skirts catching fire. A New Line of Railway Business. We have it on the best authority—inecredible though it may appear—that there were only five Railway Accidents - is rod last, and not more than four of them were atal ! A HOOT FROM A NEW FOREST-OWL. * Dear Mr. Puno “T am anew Forest Owl . . . an old bird—too old to learn new fashions, or to'take comfortably to new quarters. I was happy in the venerable yew, which shadowed the graves over which I, and my fore-owls have meditated through many a still warm midsummer afternoon, and many a nipping winter’s brief daylight, when shallow mankind deemed us sleeping. They little know what thoughts occupy us owls, at times when, to men’s eyes, we seem to be blinking and dozing, and waiting for the dark. Hanvey’s Meditations among the Tombs used to be a favourite book when I was a fledgling. I suppose it is gone out of fashion long ago. I had thoughts of submitting my * Meditations among the Tombs’ to quite out of heart about it now. I had hoped to end my days in the venerable family yew—to close my eyes on the old grey family church tower. But all such hopes have been suddenly knocked on the head. The sad fact is that, even in this remote nook of England, we have had our Bryan Kine on a small scale. A Puseyite young man, in a pygostole and high waistcoat, has come down upon us, with his appa- ratus of bran new and intensely old notions on the subject of risual and architecture. He has made a clean sweep of the yew, and the old church, round whose foundations its roots were twisted. suppose I ought to be grateful that he has left the graves. “It is not often that we owls wax poetical. We are not usually admitted to take rank among ‘singing-birds.’ But I hope you will consider that the feeling which stimulated Juvenat, may be allowed to urge even an Owl into rhyme— ** Facit indignatio versum.” “Don’t be ee ee at my quoting from a classical poet. We Owls are well-educated birds—as far as the dead languages go. There are few of us—especially of the families connected with the Church, as mine has beea for many generations—who don’t know I there- fore enclose you the first and last Rhymes of an Evicted Old Owl, ** The Goths have demolished my sacred old yew, Have shattered the gravestone, and levelled-the pew. Hatcuarps for publication, but I am | But their new-fangled church stranger changes environ,’ For the preacher’s of wood and the pulpit ’s of iron ; The benches and doctrines so fearfully narrow, That frost-bitten Christians are numbed to the marrow ; No token of heaven appears, but its breezes, And the sermon’s coughed down, or half stifled by sneezes ; These censures perhaps may seem nauseous and silly, but So are the freaks of the High Priests of Lilliput.” CONSCIENCE-MONEY AND ITS CONSEQUENCES. Or course, nobody expects that persons who send Conscience-money | to the CHANCELLOR OF THE ExcHEQUER are possessed of their right | senses, and know how they ought to act : but we really think that measures | should, if possible, be taken to prevent their using signatures which may mislead the public, as to who are the weak simpletons by whom the money has been sent, We rarely now take up the Times withem finding in its columns some such paragraph as this, which was th inserted on Friday, the 25th ult.:— | ‘THe CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER acknowledges the Derg = of bill-stam: to the amount of £4 1s. 8d., on account of Income-Tax from F.C. B:W. ; of the | first half of a bank-note for £100, on account of Income-Tax, from A. 8.” “F.C. B. W.” perhaps may be excused, for such a junction of initials can scarce be very common. But how many hundreds of “A. §.”s there are extant here among us, it would puzzle the most | calculating boy of us to guess. Imagination shrinks from fancyin | what numbers of innocent individuals have been tortured this last wee through the use of these initials. aaa : If a person have a wish to play the fool in this way, for the credit of his country let him be anonymous, and not throw out any clue whereby he may be recognised. “A Maniac,” “A Would-be Bedlamite,” or “One who should Wear a Strait-jacket,” would be signatures well suited to the act they would endorse. But to use merely initials - —_ : ee cruelty, aud in justice to.humanity the practice must stopped. _-A Tuventtz Party.—Lorp PaLmMerston.

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Fspruary 2, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. hit 1 \i| F i oS Fe ZA 4 ALE MA RA OUR GREAT-COAT COMMITTEE DIFFER OBSTINATELY ABOUT THE BEST FORM OF THAT GARMENT, AND HERE’S FEBRUARY ! FROM OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. “ Dear Mr. Puncn, rig “ From the Dramatic Dan to Beersheba it is not all barren. Even at this present Christmas time, in spite of the terrible en- eroachments of the Transformation Scene, and the subordination of pleasant writing, humorous invention, and good acting, to tinsel, traps, mechanism, blue-fire, and ballet-girls, there are still theatres in which the former elements are allowed some chance. It is not my purpose to say anything, just now, of the Pantomimes—beyond a good word, en passant, for the genuine old Pantomimic humours that have been brought into play in Robinson Crusoe at the Princess’s, for which I am truly grateful. I wish to tell you this week of the pleasure I have received from Endymion at the St. James’s. : “ After the gratification of seeing Mr. ALFrep Wiean die of poison through two acts—and if toxicology has any right toa place among the ‘fine arts,’ it must be when such an artist as Mr. ALFrep Wican is made the subject, of its operation—I was naturally in the mood to relish an hour of graceful pleasantry, such as Mr. W. Broven has provided for me in his Endymion. Now that the Greek Heroes are dished up in nursery stories, Diana and her shepherd lover of Latmos have no right to be indignant at being pressed into the service of Christmas burlesque. But apart from the question of dignity, the Lady of the Crescent has really no good ground of complaint when she is presented in the graceful figure of Miss Herpert—as the central personage of a group of attendant huntresses, quite worthy to play the part of gillies to such a mistress. ‘1 do not remember, after a longish experience of Christmas classi- calities,—from the good old days of the Olympic Revels downwards,— to have seen a classical subject more pleasantly treated than the loves of Endymion and Diana, the jealousy of Pan, the distresses of Acton, and A/pheus’s pursuit of Arethusa under difficulties, ‘are in this little piece at the St. James’s. But, besides the general merits of the piece in the way of construction, dialogue, and acting, it exhibits one par- | have been few more poetical ticular piece of courage which it isa special duty in your Correspondent, above all others, to point out. Diana has absolutely had the courage and good taste to abjure Crinoline! Yes; incredible as the assertion may appear, it is a positive fact. Everyone who wishes to renew his recollection of what woman is like when reduced to her natural dimensions,—to study the movements of the human form divine instead of the undulations of a muslin bell, expanded over a steel cage,—ought to make a point of seeing Diana at the St. James’s. I really don’t know where else the sight is to be enjoyed at this moment. “Such an apparition ought to be a death-blow to Crinoline. There ictures exhibited on any stage than that in which the Goddess descends in her silver car to kiss the lips of the sleeping shepherd, and that which concludes the piece, with so com- mendable asubstitution of a simple and beautiful group for those bewil- dering accumulations of carpentry, pyrotechnics, and corps de ballet. which are generally considered the indispensable finale of this sort of entertainment. : ; “Tn short, I have quite a pleasant recollection of this Hxdymion, for the unpretentiousness, gracefulness, and good taste which have been combined both in its planning and its production. And the sensation is so rare with me now-a-days at Christmas, that [ have thought it worthy of this somewhat emphatic record from “OnE WHO Pays,” UN EMBARRAS DE SUCCES. _A Cerratn Monarch (wasn’t it Pyrruus?) said “ Another such a victory ; and I am a lost coon.” We suppose, supposing an inquest had been held on his remains, the verdict would have unanimously been, “Diep or A-Tropny.” (Any Subscriber objecting to this joke—may pay threepence extra to the Publisher at 85, Fleet Street.) THE CHARITY SCHOOL OF THE FATHERS OF THE CHURCH. How and where did the English monks first acquire their preat knowledge of letters? From Reading Abbacy (reading 4.B.C.)//! Wnuat Prosecr 1s tHe Emperor Reyotvinc?—A pacific one doubtless, or why should he be arming all his soldiers with Revolvers ~ A Guana Contractor.—Cold.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruary 2, 1861,

THE SLANG OF THE SHOPS. Or a truth the English language is in a terribly sad way. What with the fever for French phrases that rages with some writers, and the rash of Greek and Latin that keeps hreaking out in others, there will soon be very little of pure healthy English left; and of that little a portion will speedily be swamped in the flood of German compounds | which is annually swelling here. Then besides this German Ocean, the tide of Hindostanee is rising in this country, and threatening the “ well of English undefiled.’ From this source it is said that the word “loot” is derived, and the cant term “that’s the cheese,” corrupted from the Hindostanee “‘cheez,”” which means the “thing.” to this the coarse vulgarities that Brorner JonaTHAN has sent us, a the eruption of ases wherewith we are infected, than mainly to the efforts of the authors of burlesques, and it will surely be acknowledged that the tongue of Mr. Buti is ina most state. _ Ofall the evils that affect the health of his vocabulary, perhaps none are more injurious the rm J terms used in trade; for it is obvious that, as we are a nation of shopkeepers, Ss 80 must soon be in everybody’s mouth. Whatever pbrase be coined for a of trade will speedily pass current in all commercial circles; and though it be as tasteless and uncouth as the bronze penny, few critics will care to raise their voice against it. Accustomed as we are to read of pig-iron being “quiet,” and breadstuffs being “dull,” of tallow being ‘firm at rather stiffer rates,” or pork “moving off slowly at previous quotations,” we are tempted by mere habit to incorporate these phrases among our purer English terms, and to use them in a while without a shudder at their vileness. Thus becomes our language more and more corrupted, the work of purging it more loat and appalling. Even Punch, the modern Hercules, might shrink from the endeavour to cleanse the English tongue from the fouler than Augean filth which has been on it. As a sample of how slang is gradually supplanting the pure English of our Dictionaries, we submit to public notice a few extracts from a circular by a “‘ Cove,” as he would doubtless call himself, who shall be nameless, but who states that as a “Slap-up Tog and Out-and-Out Kicksies Builder,” he is “well known throughout the world by working-men :”— “Mr, NAMELEsS nabs the chance of putting his customers awake, that he has just made his escape from India, not forgetting to clap his mawleys upon some of the right sort of stuff, when on his return home he was stunned to find one of the top Manufacturers of Manchester had cut his lucky, and stepped off to the Swan Stream, leaving behind him a valuable stock of Moleskins, Cords, Velveteens, Box Cloths, Plushes, Doe Skins, Pilots, &c., and having some ready in his kick—grabbed the chance—stepped home with the swag—and is now safely landed at his crib. He can turn out Toggery very slap at the following low prices for Ready Gilt—Tick being No Go.” What sort of “‘working-men” are they to whom such slang as this is commonly intelligible, we think that any ragged schoolboy would be found able to guess. Men who work with “jemmies,” and such slang- christened implements, one might expect to talk of “mawleys,” and ‘stepping homeward with the swag;”’ but that an English tradesman should apparently court custom from housebreakers and thieves by putting forth a circular in their peculiar phraseology, we own we should not have considered it in reason to suppose. Here, however, is another sample of shop-slang, which tends strongly to confirm the guess for whom it is intended :— “ Upper Benjamins, built on a downy plan, a monarch to half-a-finnuff. Fishing or Shooting Togs, cut slap, 1 pound, 1 quarter andapeg. A Fancy Sleeve Blue Plush or Pilot ditte, made very saucy, acouter. Pair of Bath or Worsted Cords, eut to drop down on the trotters, a quid. Pair of out and out Cords, built very serious, 9 bob and a kick. Pair of stout Broad Cords, built in the Melton Mowbray style, halfasov. Pair of Moleskins, built with a double fakement down the sides and artful buttens at bottom, half a monarch. Mud pipes, knee caps, and trotter cases built very low. N.B.—Gentlemen finding their own Broady can be accommodated. The “ Artful Dodger” and his pals may find this comprehensible; but readers who have had a merely common education would be agen to translate it into ordinary English. Far be it from us to int that Mr. Namewzss chiefly deals with pickpockets and house- breakers, and therefore suits his language to the customers he seeks; but really such a thought would fairly be excusable, for on no other ounds can we explain the fact of his writing in Thieves’ Latin while is business is in London, and might surely be transacted in the language of the land.

“O, &c., my Uncle!” _Tue Irish have blundered to the last about Italy. They begged to give Lamoricikre a Sword of Honour, He writes to them, saying, truthfully enough, that he has won no honour in Italy, and therefore the Sword would be a Bull. But though the weapon is not to go to Rome, funds must be raised to pay the maker, and the Sword is ve likely to be sent into Lombardy, which is near enough for Iris topography.

THE SYMPATHETIC SLAVE-OWNERS. (As Sung by the Pope in Secret Consistory.) O VeneERraBte Brothers, we shoald sympathise with others, | We have fellows in misfortune o’er the broad Atlantic waves, Though they ’re not in our communion, for the South States of the Union Are suffering impairment of their property in slaves. — — 7) a was s of! An atrocity = of s all su ’ self-assertion against constitute No matter what the case is, and whatever are the —— And whether those enslaved are the Americans’ or ours, The offence is most prodigious, to be sure, when =~ igi Like the horrible rebellion which assails this Holy See, Adding sacrilege to treason, as is manifest to reason, Well aware that Lord Lieutenant of all Christendom are We. <_<“ t etditne s ease demn. not on vine, we 0 con " Tt was settled on St. Peter and on Us that in his seat are, Which if any shall gainsay, a curse on him or her or them. With heresy infected are the States that hold subjected Four million human beings, it is lamentably true, But they keep them in subjection by such laudable correction, That we hope they may exchange their false persuasion for the true. Oh the salutary rigours which they practise on their ni 5 Whom by wholesome flagellation to their work the ters drive, And with zealous fury storming, mobs, an act of faith performing, Often give their slaves a warming, roasting wicked ones alive. Vee our condemnation on the monstrous innovation wretches whose audacity to such a pitch has grown, That, the Rulers’ right vithout fear of endless frying— They maintain the souls and s of our slaves are not our own. Oh, nefarious proposition ! their doom be swift perdition! May they suffer a bape ail, calamity, and ill : Whilst they wait their sentence, in default of their repentance, Who hold We may not wollop Our own niggers when we will !

BULL’S-EYE BRACELETS. As any novelty in finery is pretty certain to attract the eyes of the || fair sex, who even at church can hardly keep their looks off a new | bonnet, we take it quite for granted that every lady who reads this is aware | that a new bracelet has been lately introduced, which combines cheapness | with elegance in a remarkable degree. It consists simply of rifle-caps, | discharged and then electro-gilt ; and is in reality a vastly pretty orna- | ment, with the additional advantage of being very cheap. being, it deserves to be held in high esteem, perhaps higher than its value | may intrinsically justify. To add therefore to its worth, we would | suggest that every cap whereof each bracelet is composed should be | a cap whereby a bullet has been fired into the bull’s-eye, the value of | course varying according to the range at which the shot has been dis- | charged. Thus ladies might do much to assist the rifle movement, | more even than by giving balls and bugles to those moving in it, were | they to stimulate the taste for practice at the butts by requirin bull’s- | eye bracelets of their husbands or their lovers, or whomever else they | chanced to hold in their control. Were Anee.iya to tell Epwrn that | he must not dare to hope for the honour of her hand, until he clas | her arm with a bracelet made of caps whose shots had struck the bull’s- | eye, a powerful incentive would be given to his shooting, and his skill in marksmanship would certainly improve. The requirement might vary according to caprice, and a lady of unusually cruel se

who was unnaturally careless about marriage, might insist wu e bull’s-eyes being scored at no less distance than a thousand y or an even greater range might in some instances be named. Of course precautions would be taken to have the caps all certified as being buil’s- eye caps, and a stamp should be affixed by the captain of the corps, as a warranty that there was no deception in the matter, and that Epwrn was as good a marksman as they showed. This indeed seems needful, not merely because men have been “ deceivers ever;” and, as they hold all fair in love, there is no saying of what foul tricks they might possibly be capable ; but also because, judging from our own private experience, or experience as a private, there are many marksmen among our Volun- teers who practise with the long bow quite as often as with the rifle, and are somewhat apt to go to most extraordinary lengths when describing the long ranges at which they tell you they have shot.

FOR TEA-PARTIES, Wnuicu History of England is the test favourite with Proeras- tinators, ladies? Lorp Macavxay’s, use it begins “I purpose.”

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Fesrvary 9, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, THE AMERICAN MARKET. (The Last Yarn of the Atlantic Telegraph.) Cownins were a little heavy, but in good steady demand. Holders very firm. The exchange by no means so striking as it has been known to be, and receivers to a large extent | were complaining. Backers very scarce, and extremely cautious. Down South, however, cowhides were falling in all directions. Bowilg-Knives were not to be had for love or money. The last one was swopped to a Negro-merchant from | South Carolina, for a meerschaum Pi , a corkscrew, a silver quid-case, half a pig, a pair of braces, an ounce of id-dust, a box of paper collars, two dozen of Eye- peners, and fifty-two Pennsylvanian Shin-plasters. | KNUCKLE-DUsTERS remain on hand very firmly, though | a large order for the Senate at Washington has given them | a somewhat forward tendency that may have the favourable | effect of making them hit the fancy of the American | — a little more kindly than they have hitherto done. | he Rowdies and Negro-owners seem to fight rather shy | of these knuckle-dusters, though it was expected at first that they would inevitably carry everything before them. Their. effect is undoubted, as all unbiassed persons are | unanimous a who have had an opportunity of feeling the weight of them. RevoLvers go off very briskly. All the reports are loud in favour of Coit’s. Every one of the Southern | Members has had a handsome brace of revolvers presented | to him by his constituents. On a silver plate there is this touching inscription :—‘ Zo be discharged on the smallest suspicion.” The number of barrels vary from the days of the week up to nearly the days of the month. The object, as with Guy Faux in‘the cellars under Parliament, seems to be to cram in as many barrels as possible. We sawa beautiful specimen in Wall Street, the other day, that con- tained not less than twenty-four separate chambers. It was a perfect gem in the tubular way, and the mere look of the thing gave one quite a strong inclination for a row, just to try the effect of it. With its potent aid, a child might easily kill his man a second. It is quite impossible to say where Civilisation will stop ! A CONTENTED MIND. VENERABLE OLD Pauper. “ Work ’ard, and Save up your Money for a Rainy Day? * A Leca. Tenper.”—A decided contradiction of terms; Why, if I hadnt beena Careful, Industr’ous Young Man I should a been in the| for we must say, that within our experience we never yet Workus long before now !” knew anything “legal” that ever was “tender.” AT BREAKFAST. ROMILLY AND THE BIGOTS. Q. Wuar is the Schleswig-Holstein question, Papa? Exeter Hall hath prevailed, it seems, and hath compelled Mr. ell, my dear boy, I am pleased to see that you have an| TURNBULL, of the Record Office (we mean the National Record Office, inquiring mind, and take notice of ‘what is said in your presence, and | not that of the offensive newspaper) to resign. He is driven out will endeavour to make you understand. Schleswig-Holstein is in | because he is s Catholic, and the Exeter Protestants entertain Denmark,—that is, it is not exactly in Denmark, at least Schleswig | some extraordinary conviction that he might do something dreadful may be called so, but not Holstein,—no, it is Holstein that may be | with the records of the realm. What this could be Mr. Punch is still considered Danish, or, if you like a long word better, Scandinavian. | as much at a loss to comprehend as he was when the agitation against Let me see, what did I say,—O yes, Holstein is the German division| Mz. TurwsuL first excited Mr. Punch’s ridicule. But when old of the territory, and Schleswig is an ancient fief (you know what a| women are once terrified, no argument will persuade them that a stick fief is) of the Crown, and was ceded in 1816; that is to say, Holstein was | is not a gun, or that a gun cannot load and fire itself. The Exeter ceded, not Schleswig, Holstein having been an ancient fief of Germany, | Hall old women have gone on howling until it was impossible for Mr. and therefore you see Prussia takes an interest in the question, as part | TURNBULL to retain his place. He goes, but not for a dozen such of the German Confederation; but Lorp Joun Russgx1 is only in| victories would Mr. Punch have been one of “the body of so-called the matter as a mutual friend, and he thinks that the proposals of | Christians,” whom Sm Joun Romiuty, Master of the Rolls, indig- Prussia—no, I mean Denmark, yes, of course Denmark, that concessions | nantly rebukes for this act of “persecution.” To be branded by a shall be made to Holstein—no, Holstein does not want concessions, RoMILtr is not a fate to be desired by any good man, and Mr, Tuny- but a veto (that is Latin for, I forbid) upon taxation and other things, | BULL is amply avenged. The sooner the lying pretence of “brother! and Schleswig to be allowed to speak German—well, Lorp Joxn | love” is taken down from the front of Exeter Hall the better. De thinks this fair, but the Prussian minister does not think that Prussia | PAILADELPHEION, and lege Fuit-or-Du11-Fotty. —at least Denmark, has any right to impose conditions of this sort, because there was a promise of a Constitution to Schleswig or Hol- f stein, I forget which, but the principle is the same, and there are some | Court Circular. other points mixed up with it which you might not be able to under- : : stand so easily as the simple outline of the case which I have given Tue Dramatic Authors, whose works have contributed so much to the success of the Windsor Performances during the last three years, you. Pass my cup to your Mamma, were entertained by Prince ALBERT in St. George’s Hall on Thursday, and treated to “ cold shoulder.” The Wrong Man for the Work. A THOUGHT FOR TEARS! A Worx is announced by Dr. Tick, called, “‘ Memory, and How to| Innocence is like an umbrella—when once we have lost it, we Aid it.” The name is a bad one for a lecturer on Muemonies—for, so | must never hope to see it back again ! far as we have seen, those who have had most to do with Tick are decidedly the people of shortest memory. Tue New Srarie or THE SouTHERN StatEs.—Gun Cotton. VOL, XL,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fepruary 9, 1861. THE GHOST OF A GUY. ERusING the penulti- mate number of the Spiritual Magazine, we found a remark- able ghost-story. Itis related by a corre- spondent naming her- self Saran WELTON, at second hand, from the memoranda of “a friend J. D., who has been for several years a writing medium.” Under such circum- stances of course we are expected to be- lieve it. Mr. J. D. told his friend Saran WEL- ton that the best time for his hand * being used as a me- 1} dium is in the morn- ing on waking. Spi- rits do not eat chest- nuts, or one would Vii aN ‘ NS a Yano” UME ply aay Uk ae i Ss ere a ~~ Ss their best time for using his hand was in the evening after dinner, when he happened to | th have some roasting in the . On May 15, 1859, as J. D. was: lying awake, after the spirits written several sentences of “what appeared incoherency,” and probably was not very intelligible, through his hand, presently he felt a new sensation in his arm, and held out his hand to be used again; whereupon came the following communication, “ What was written was by several spirits.” “Do not mix your spirits, if you can help it,” was the moral appa- rently meant to be conveyed. ‘‘ Otherwise the result will be inco- herency.” So it would seem. D.p s— “ At the same d to me a figure, small, as if in perspective, gu: + there of a man of above middle age, in ordinary garb, but dusty and faded ; his hat looked out of shape and as if unbrushed for years, his boots rusty brown, down at heel and turned up at the toes ; one hand was carelessly stuck in his pocket, and with the other he held a bulky umbrella, the ribs of which were kept together by a ring, after the fashion of forty years.ago. I saw this figure with such minuteness, that I observed his front teeth to be wanting as he spoke the above words—which were not, how- ever audible, but expressed telegraphically through my right forefinger on to my left hand. In.this way I received answers, from this apparent person, to questions.” The italics are our own; meant only to indicate the points of the narrative likely to interest the public. It is not often that you geta comic ghost-story. A spirit certainly must be an odd immortal to ap in a shocking: hat, a Gamp umbrella, and seedy boots. ** Who’s your hatter?” is the question which one would be naturally disposed to put to such a spirit. The only motive for the appearance of this spiritual ragamuffin seems to have been the desire to show him- self—a strange one considering the figure he cut. Telegraphically, through J. D.’s right forefinger on to his left hand, whatever that means, this slovenly ghost returned the subjoined answers to that Paes inquiries. The manifestations are those of cool indifference. . D. said— “« “Well, have | = F : .° expressed and pA ones seen gpg ae oo segs «© What b you, then ?’—‘ We come about you mediums so as to get to know what is going on in the old world.’ *** Did you know me ?’—‘ No.’ ** «7 don’t remember you; were you a Londoner?’—‘No; I belonged to one of the Northern Counties.’ “«* When did you leave here ?’—‘ About 1830.’ “© Well, but what do you want with that wmbrella ?’—‘ Oh, I used always to carry it: it was a babit.’ «* But don’t you cast aside a useless habit like that; it must be troublesome now ?’—‘ No; it seems natural. The things we wear according to our taste are as much parts of ourselves as our bodies ; old tastes and habits leave us as we get new thoughts. At present I feel comfortable in my old.’ ” It thus appears that this ghost was clothed by his ‘own thoughts. There is many a sloven in this world who would be a dandy if he had as cheap a tailor. But this ghost was peculiarly heedless of personal appearance. He might no doubt have been his own dentist as easily as his own tailor, and yet he chose to appear without his front teeth. They might not have been useful to a ghost, but they would have been ornamental. The dialogue thus concludes :— “ “How do you occupy yourself?’—‘I go about looking at things, and making observations,’ “*** What, alone ?’—‘I don’t care for company.’ ““*T have been told that spirits have guides who look after them, and seek to elevate them ?’—‘ Yes, and they come and talk to me sometimes; but they say things that I don’t agree with.’ was the answer have imagined that | th ** To the next question I put, I received no answer: the figure disappeared, and the writing ceased.” The things which the guardian spirits said to this unsocial ghost, and which he did not agree with, were probably observations on the sub- ject of personal appearance. Ene however, to his taste. I ghosts appear at all, they probably would appear in some attire. This one earried es umbre Tt was his it. Well, certainly, this us 0 ** My father in his habit as he lived.” Why shouldn’t a ghost carry an umbrella as well ‘as a truncheon; why not wear shabby clothes as well as complete mail, if the shabby clothes were his favourite habit? These questions are: certainly un- answerable ; but, before attempting to answer them, most people would like to be perfectly sure that J.D., when he heard through his left hand, did not see behind his closed eyelids, if not with his eye and his elbow over the left. GREATNESS SINGING SMALL. Ir is not often that we find so delicious an of the “pride that apes humility,” as was the other day afforded by the Mayor and Corporation of the town of Cambridge, before the: ceremony of matri- culation of the Prince or Wags. The Viee-Chancellor, attended, we are told, “‘ by the Esquire Bedells” (Beadledom, should know that there are beadles who are Squires), and “accompanied by the heads of Colleges and Proctors,” (whose bodies, we may hope, were also in attendance) having first had the honour-of introduction to the Priycz, e Times informs us that the Mayor, with the Town Clerk at his heels, and followed by a part of the borough was admitted to e presence, and presented an Address, to serve by way of model, we: copy the first paragraph :— “To His Rorat Hicuness ALBerT Priwce or WALEs. “May it please your Royal Highness,—We, Efsrn Masesry’s loyal and faithful subjects, the Mayor, Aldermen, and Burgesses of the borough of Cambridge, hum- bly crave leave to be permitted to offer to Fe Royal Highness our congratulation upon your ission as a member of the University of Cambridge.” The notion of a Mayor “ humbly craving leave to be permitted” to congratulate, presents a more — picture of humility than we have thought it possible for fiction to invent. It will be noticed that the Mayor does not venture to crave leave directly to con- gratulate. All he dares aspire to is “humbly to crave leave for per- mission” so to do; the roundabout phrase symbolising, as it seems to us, that he wished to make an extra deep obeisance to the Prince, and if need be was prepared to bob his head down to the dust. Yet with all this aped humility we doubt not had the Mayor been let to make a speech he would have called that present moment the proudest of his life, and-we wager that before he stepped into the presence he stalked along the streets with somewhat in addition to his ordi strut. ho with the magnificent Mayoral robes around him, and entrusted with the mission of presenting an address in person to a Prince, could feel otherwise than proud of the position which he ocen- pied, having the knowledge of how much he would be talked of in the town, and envied by at any rate all the ladies init? And why could not the Mayor have said as much in his Address, and adopted the “large utterance of the early Mayors,” instead of cringing before royalty and humbly craving leave for permission to congratulate ? There was nothing mean or sneaking in what he craved to do, A man is hardly less a man for being made a Mayor; and surely might still speak in a prove manly manner. Presenting an address is a respect- ‘ful act, and as honourable and lawful as it is respectful, Why then ! should not our Mayors BN scones language is in general akin to that of Cambridge) adopt a different form of phrase for saying how-de-do to | royalty, than that which has by custom, but not by sense, been sanc- | tioned? * May it please your Royal Highness, we are proud to see ‘ you,” or “ We congratulate ourselves on being able to congratulate | you,” would be phrases far more fitting, because far nearer to the truth, than any fawning flunkeyism or absurd cireumlocution like ‘humbly craving leave for permission to congratulate.” A Beggarly Empire. Ir Austria ever studied finance in oe particular school, we should say it must have been the Ragged School; for not only is she pauper- ised, and beggared almost to her last kreutzer, but her very b -notes are, what a cook would call, “‘ done to rags.” ITALIAN WITHOUT A MASTER, Inquiring Youth. Is Gaéta a prison or a fortress ? eT Satirical Youth. Not knowing, can’t tell; but considering it has been the residence so long of Francis, we should say that Gaéta was the “choice Italian” for Newgate.

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Frpruary 9, 1861.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 57 PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. On Monday last, being the day before that appointed for the Meeting of Parliament, Mr. Punch, who had just returned from an interview with his Royal Mistress, was informed by one of his trembling footmen out a Deputation humbly solicited the honour of admission to his resence. * A Deputation of what ? ” demanded Mr. Punch, in his usual mild and affable manner. . “ There are i and Members of Parliament, and all that sort,” responded the vassal, apologetically. “T am not fond of receiving the lower orders in my saxcium, as you know,” returned his master. “ They make it smell ef wood-violets, and millefleurs, and Bouquet de Bunkum, and destroy the perfume of my cigars. However, let them in.” Introduced by the Premier, there entered r almost awe-stricken, Lorp Jonn Russei1, Mr. Grapstone, Sie G. C. Lewis, the Duxe or Newcastiz, Lorp Dersy, . Diskazii, Sm Joun Paxinetox, Lorp Herpert or Lea, Sm Cuartes Woop, Mr. Rorsuck, Mr. Bricut, Mz. Mriwex Gissox, Lonp Campseit, Tue O’Haean, the Duke or Arcyit, Mr. Hentey, Mr. Watroie, Mr. Cowrer, Lorp Cartisie, Cotonzt Nortu, Mr. Epwin James, Baron Roruscui.p, Sir Butwer Lytroy, Mr. Ewart, Mn. Gitrr, ever so many Bishops, and about fifty more of the celebrities or noto- rieties of the two Houses. “ Now then, what’s up?” demanded Mr. Punch. “ Don’t all speak at once,” added the right honourable gentleman, lighting a weed. * The fact is, Mr. Punch,” said Lorp Pavmerston, “some of the parties whom you see before you, have a petition to make to you.” * Let’s see the Beggars’ Petition,” said Mr. Punch, blandly. * Well,” said the Premier, “it is to be made verbally.” * But not verbosely, I trust,” said Mr. Punch. “ Go it.” “TI am not im it, mind,” said Pam, “but I am asked to introduce the others.” “* Several of us are not in it,” cried divers voices. “Settle it among yourselves, gentlemen,” said Mr. Puack, “and when you are quite ready, fire away. I shan’t offer you Seats, because, ha! ha! ha! you have all seats of your own.” When the convulsions of laughter which of course rewarded this epigram had subsided, ORD PatmeErston said. “ The fact is, my dear Mr. Punch, they want you not to publish your world-famous Essence of Parliament this session.” “ By Jove!” was all that Mr. Punch permitted to escape him, but the fire in his eye would have eclipsed a raging volcano. “ T told ’em that it was rather carrying assurance to the point of impudence,” continued the Paemrer, “to come and ask you such a |™Y ® thing; but knowing you to be a good-natured party, I said that they |. might rely on a civil hearing.” . Let them speak,” growled Mr. Punch. «,, Lt appears to me, my dear Mr. Punch,” said Mz. Guansrons, that there are three ways open te me——” “ One is the door, one is the window, amd one is up the chimmey,” returned Mr. Punch, furiously. “ Perhaps you'd better take the last, as most likely to soot you.” The shout that followed this sally slammed the guards on duty at ce ; Buckingham Palace. Se Don’t begin prosing,” said Mr. Punch, appeased by this demonstra- tion. “Tell me in a few words what it is you all object to.” te Why,” said the CHanceLior oF TaE ExcuEquer, “in the first ce——_ > Ha! would you,” said Mr. Punch, menacingly. : But I have two complaints,” pleaded Mz. GLapsTonE. What are they—corns and the toothache ?»—demanded the Inex- orable. “Take Cocktz’s Pills, 1’m told they cure both, and hams and smoky chimneys into the bargain.” | fully, and indeed | and the Another burst of laughter that set St. Bride’s bells jangling, and brought down eight Le ee from the upper sky, “ Listen, Mr. Punch,” said Mr. Disrazti. “I am diametrically opposed to the prayer of your petitioners, and therefore I can state it with more candour than if it were my own. They say that you spoil all their oratory by your merciless ‘succinctness, that nobody reads any reports but yours, and that the label which you stick upon a speaker whom you don’t like clings like the shirt of Nessus, and burns like the circlet of fire placed by Orcus, in the Epicurean, upon the brow of the priestess.” “Walker, Dizzy!” said Mr. Punch, “ Half of ’em never heard of Nessus or Orcus either. Favour me by pe it mild.” _ “ Well, I have put it elegantly for them,” said Mr. Disrazir; “but in the language of the vulgar, the way you show up a Parliament man makes his life not worth having.” “ Was I ever unkind to you?” demanded Mr. Punch. “ Never,” said Mz. Diskaeti, impetuously, “and I am your debtor for ever for the way you preserve my Attic salt.” . “ Do I ever do injustice to any of you? If a man has got anything ery to.say and says his say sensibly, do I ever fail to recognise the ‘act P” “ But we can’t all be sensible,” cried several voices. “ Then, don’t be sensitive,” returned Mr. Punch, with the prompt- ness of lightning. “I comprehend you all, my bloaters. It does not suit ul books to be set down in mine for what you are.” “ We must live,” said a chorus of voices. * Je ne vois yj la nécessi¢é,” returned Mr. Punch. ’ “* Mr. Punch,” said Loxp Densy, “you and I do not always think alike—— ” That is because you sometimes think wrongly, my dear Lord.” “ Soit,” said the Karl, laughing. “ But I donot join im'this petition. For myself, for my friend Disrarti, and I believe 1 may say for PALMERSTON, and any others (if there are any) who are really Out-and- Outers, I am proud to state that I consider your Essence of Parliament the noblest invention of modern times. With the interest of a novel sparkle of a comedy, it combines the fidelity of a daguerreotype, and the permanence of a diamond, to which I may add that its impar- tiality is equalled but by its lucidity, and if its elegance can be paral- leled it is only by its indispensability. This is an inadequate prin onr to Veracity. tribute—— “ Tt is,” said Mr. Punch, “but it And this is the Institution which you would abolish ? ” “Only the Pumps among us,” exclaimed the Premier, Mr. Dis- RAELI, Lonp Dersy, and a few more. “Ha!” said Mr. Punch, rising, while the assembly trembled, “‘ And the pauses amid his speech Were as awful as the sound.” “T continue,” said Mr. Punch, “to receive from thousands of cor- respondents (and some of them don’t pay the postage, and be hanged to them! ) the most solemn and earnest assurances that the Essence of Parliament is the Palladium of English liberties, and the air that Britons breathe, that its unsparing revelations of the proceedings in your Houses save the Constitution about eleven times a week, and that if I should at any time discontinue it, the QueEn’s subjects would lose not only the most important element in their happiness, but the foundation of their confidence in existing institutions. While I am watching, all is well. If I close my eye, O my eye!” Subd murmurs, and some sobbings were heard, and then Mr. Punch resumed, in a mild but firm tone, “* Next week, being that She the Essence will be resumed. All I shall add is, Look out—and get out.” The Deputation was about to withdraw with some precipitation, when Mr, Punch said— “ Nay, be good boys, and you have nothing to fear. A bridle for the horse, a whip for the ass, and a rod for the fool’s back. Them’s y and now ail of you stop and liquor.” All po’ indeed is eloguence. Kv t instantly burst ini onuhmndian te tener tahincet of BY PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. “ meeting of Parliament, the The Severity of the Late Weather. Lady. unlucky ae! German Vestor Lady, You were fortunate. Pray what did you do to prevent it ? German Visitor (with the greutest innocence), Madame, 1 did smoke the late frost. Every one of our pipes burst. (astonished). Indeed, Madame! 1 did not have one. PAID BACK IN 1TS OWN COIN, We trust, if Venice is ever sold, that the purchase-money will be made in nothing but Austrian bank-notes. Austria will then be able to tell us how she likes that particular form of currency. Hen Vocrtavcen, I must tell you that we were very | |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Feprvary 9, 1861, VERY UNFAIR FROM JOHN BRIGHT. Joun Bricut in the course of his Birming- ham oration the other day, said he hoped Lorp RSTONE’S speech to the North- amptonshire Volun- teers was better re- lished than the dinner his Lordship gave them in London, after the Volunteer Review. We did hear of some ill-con- ditioned officers of the corps, after that dinner, sending his Lordship 3s. 6d. in postage stamps, as the outside price of a feed so re- markably bad, that it seemed only fair to treat the meal as an or- dinary one in the worst sense of the word. But this must have been an entire mistake on the part of the North- amptonshire Volun- rs. If Lorp OvERSTONE did give them a so-so dinner, depend upon it, it was that he might ANA, AO EFFECT ‘OF THE WEATHER ON A SENSITIVE PLANT. Younc Nrmrop, aS HE APPEARED BEFORE THE FROST—PERFECTLY DISENGAGED ! ————————— a Youne Drrro, arrER Four Werks’ Frost in a COUNTRY Encacep ! HovsE—MOST PARTICULARLY, stamp the entertain- ment with an essen- tially soldierly charac- ter. Howcould he do this so effectually as By, making a mess of i A Voyage into the Interior. Amonest the new Railway projects, it seems there is to be a tubular underground from Regent’s Circus to the Bank. What the length of this new line is to be, we don’t know, and we have our fears whether it will be a very straight line; for doesn’t it strike the traveller as a very cir- cuitous route going to the City from Regent’s Circus through Hol- low(-w)ay ? Better THAN New. —Why ought every decent man at once to come out of South Ca- rolina? Because he ought to be ashamed to be seen in a Revolting | | | | | | |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Fesrvary 9, 1861. CAE poet WALI LY VT Lo4t/- Y mya sa =F BRITANNIA ABOUT TO TAKE HER “CONSTITUTIONAL.” Bait. “HAS A TENDENCY TO ‘STORMY!’” Pam. “OH! NEVER MIND, MA’RM,—I AM QUITE PREPARED FOR A CHANGE OF WEATHER!”

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Fesrvary 9, 1861.] — PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL -~ 61 THE KING AND MANY FRIENDS; OR,. THE NUNCIO NOBBLED. & Peapolitan Commedia dell’ Arte. ACT I. Scunz— A Bomb-proof room in the Palace at Gaéta. heard without, Bompatrno discovered. Bombalino. San Gennaro! There’s another salvo from those excom- municated batteries of the left attack! I hope this chamber is really bomb-proof. I turned Casetxia out of it yesterday, so I have little doubt it is the safest. place in the fortress. (Bombardment re Holy San Francesco—padrone mio—what is to hecome of us! Enter Casuiua, a good deal dilapidated, and decidedly dirty. Casella, May it please your Majesty——— Bombalino. it does not oie thieake. Your shirt, birbone—— Casella, Maesta, it is the cleanest I have. A general scantiness of linen prevails in the fortress. Soap is not to be procured, and the drying grounds are under the fire of the enemy. Cosa vuole’! [Shrugs his shoulders and spreads his hands, Bombalino (grumbling). Basta! Speak, idiot! p Casella. The diplomatic representatives of your Majesty’s royal Bombardment ‘ombalino (between his teeth). Brigante! Precious allies! Casella. Who have held anxious counsel on your Majesty’s present position, have come to a determination. Bombalino, At last! What is it? rf Casella, They ask an audience in order to convey it to your Majesty by their doyen, the Nuncio of his Holiness. Bombalino, Admit them ! Enter the Russtan the Coarcé p’ AFFAIRES OF Prussia, the SpanisH Minis the Bavarian Minister, the AusTRIAN Movister, fhe Saxon Minister, and the Portucurse Cuarcé p’AFFarrEs, headed by the Papal Nuncio. They bow profoundly. Nuncio. May it please your Majesty—As the Representatives of the Catholic European Powers—devoted to your Majesty, and to the cause of Royalty and Religion so nobly incarnated in your ‘Majesty’s illus- trious —e present in proof of the profound sympathy and active friendship of our respective Courts and Governments—(BomBa- Lino winks gloomily at Caseita)—we have witnessed with intense admiration the magnanimous devotion with which ae Majesty has borne the hardships and dangers of a siege, unexampled in the history of sieges, for the heroism of the assailed, and the abominable treachery of the sacrilegious. ts. The hearts of our respective Sovereigns bleed for your Majesty — [The Corps Diplomatique apply their pocket handkerchiefs to their eyes and noses, Bombalino (aside to Casx.ta, sotto voce). It’s more than their pockets do. : Nuncio. And their Royal sympathy is poured forth without stint to support you in this hour of trial—till now so bravely borne. They feel that the cause of the Altar and the Crown is confidedjto your hands, and they are satisfied that 3g will uphold it, at every sacrifice—of men, of money, of life, if need be. Go on, Sire, in your heroic course, supported by the consciousness of a sublime enterprise, the blessing of ‘the Holy ather, and the prayers of the faithful all over Christendom. Bombalino (still sotto voce). And their pence? Corpo di Bacco ! Nuncio. We have m considered the question referred to us by your Majesty—of the course to be taken in the presence of the con- ) pres j increasing force of sacrilegious assailants, the diabolical accu- racy of their fire, the impediment to the passage of supplies and rein- forcements by sea interposed by that fleet, the greater part of which they have feloniously stolen from your Majesty. We are unanimously of opinion that resistance is hopeless, that the capture of the fortress by the excommunicated enemies of the Church, the fiendish brood of the Revolution, within afew days. or weeks, is certain—that what their fire cannot accomplish, famine will speedily and surely complete. We are therefore unanimously of 9 that. your Majesty should carry out to the last his example of heroic devotedness to the great cause of the Altar and the Throne ; that he should remain where he is, to resist till the last biscuit is eaten and the last cartridge expended; and that he should then fall a martyr on the breach, by which the excommunicated rebels enter the fortress as conquerors, but only over the body of your Majesty. (Prolonged sensation the Corps Diplomatique. Bom- BALINO does not seem to see it. “Such, it appears. to, us, is the duty clearly marked out for your ty by circumstances, by that Royal dignity which your Majesty has so nobly vindicated, and that Faith in | Holy Chureh, of which your a Y is the chief defender and most | devoted son. With the blessing of that Church, I humbly take my leave of your Majesty, and with my colleagues hasten to Terracina— there to report to our respective Governments your Majesty’s sublime resolution, to claim for it the admiration of our Sovereigns, and to invoke for your Majesty the prayers of the Faithful all over the. be (Kneels, [The Corps iplomati. ing themselves at the feet of BOMBALINO, muc. ties a ny teux de Gaéta”—Tableau adapted from Gros’ famous picture “ Les Adieux de Fontainebleau,” Bombatino (aside), Birbaccio! But lam not quite such y fool as that, neither! {Act Drop. ACT II. Scens—Cabin aboard the steamer. The steam is heard getting up. 'Bom- bardment at a distamee. The Corps Diplomatique of the preceding Act discovered grouped with the Muxcio. Russian Minister. Batushka—Monsignore—do tell this hound of a Capaats to weigh anchor! : russian Chargé @ Affaires, I am by no means certain that we are out of range here. ° Saxon Minister. I told my wife I should be back to-night. Bavarian Minister, Bo-night, sapperment! 1 hope so. I have not even brought a carpet-bag. Nuneio. io, adagio, cart miei! TY will speak to the Captain! Questo povero FRANCESOHINO! Russian Minister. A noble example to his Order! Prasion Chargé @ Affaires, & most love-and-honour-worthy young man ! Savon Minister. Tt is a comfort to think we have done owr duty in advising him to resist to the last. Chorus of Diplomatists, To the last! Enter the Cartarn. Nuneio.. Corpo di Bacco, Capitano, are we never to start ? Captain. I regret to detain your Excellencies. But this paper— 5 ; : — to Nunoro. Nuncio (looking at{the address), A Circular from his Majesty. To Ss &o. &e. Signori—— Nuncio (reads). “ Having—in compliance with the resolution just now magnanimously arrived at by the friendship and enlightened wisdom of your Excellencies—determined to (resist to the last, and if need be, to be buried beneath the ruins of the fortress, I feel that the best way to insure the earrying out of this determination with digni and resolution, is to invoke the support and co untenance of Excellencies, at the moment of its execution. Strong as I feel already in my own good cause, and in the sruceity af my brother i I shall feel doubly st: with your to lean upon, and therefore, in the name of that cause which we all support, and that rs which you are the —— and truthful organs, beg you to come back and stay with me at Gaéta, as long as our resistance lasts and at its close to to your igns, as eye-witnesses, that | carried out the co so kindly and given by your Excel- lencies. (Signed) Francesco Szconpo.” he Nuncio (drawing a op aay Per Dio! The Corps Diplomatique exchange blank looks, C The Captain, The boats are alongside to convey your Excellencies to the landing-place. Nuncio (helplessly — round), Ma—cari—miei ! Russian Minister. Go, Monsignore, by all means. As the represen- tative of a great power, it is clear that J cannot take up my residence in a second-rate fortress like Gaéta. The ty of my imperial master forbids me from taking a step which in i would be so agreeable to my feelings. Prussian Chargé @ Affaires (to Nuwcio). Tell the King, Monsignore, that. were I Minister, 1 should not lose a moment in flying to the aids of his Majesty. But 1 am only a Secretary of Legation, and besides, I have no instructions . Several Ministers (im chorus). Nor I! NorI! NorI! Bavarian Minister. Potz-tausend/ 1 have left my carpet-bag! Saxon Minister. Verfluchter ! And 1 have left my wife! All (to Nuwcto). Fly, ee Comfort his Majesty. Say our hearts are with him, but that for the reasons given our presence is imperativ ay oa elsewhere ! Captain. To the Boat, Monsignore ! j The Corps Diplomatique generally, Let us assist your Excellency to Nuneio (helplessly, as he is bundled off). Oi me! Povero me—ma tf ber amor di Dio! the Signors : [Fableau Curtain. Give a Dog a Bad Name, &c. THe United Secession States will shortly want aname. Mr. Punch suggests SLAVEOWNIA.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesrvary 9, 1861. FOOD AND FEATURES. Se KN j E find the following sugges- tive passage in a new on dietetics, entitled, The Gastric Regions and Vic- tualling Departmeut, by “ An Old Militia Surgeon” :— ) “It has been said that per- sonal beauty depends in a great degree upon eating and drinking ; and that the ugliness of the Cal- mucks is owing to their feasting upon raw flesh. It has also been surmised that the inverted fea- ture so remarkable among Irish- men is mainly to be attributed to their fond for potat This subject deserves further in- vestigation ; and we may look forward to the time when, by a ¥ judicious dieting, we may always ~~ rN, : ~ “Xt ) ‘ secure a never-failing supply of handsome women and - Sy. { Slay, ry u We looking well-developed men to \\ match them.” The surmise that pota- = toes, as an article of food, could have any particular effect upon the nose appears _— 7) Mm k the attempt to eat will find a diet consisting principally of plain beef and mutton in general answer their purpose. Cherries might be tried to improve the lips, with or without success, and large oysters might be damsel who thought her mouth too small. two of wine will make the eyes sparkle, but a drop too much is apt to redden them. Green peas may affect the chin if anything will; and though it may not be true that pug-noses are caused by potatoes, there is no doubt that plenty of brocoli will in time induce an aquiline form of nose or a Roman nose with a hook. It is a mistake, how- ever, to suppose that butter, because it is grease, has any effect in forming the Grecian nose. A Catch for the City. ** Capmany, hither, off the Rank!” ‘Drive whereto, Sir?” “ To the Bank.” ** Pray be careful; for I journey With a Power of Attorne In my pocket.” “Oh! I’m blowed! S’posing it was to explode!” INCONVENIENT HORSES! WEatru has its sorrows as well as Poverty. We heard not to rest upon any very solid foundation. rate one would not naturally that potatoes would produce turn-up noses. We should as soon imagine that carrotty hair would be expect acquired by eating cabbage. A vegetable countenance certainly may be obtained by drinking, for it is noto- rious that suffici ient perseverance in brandy-and-water will develope grog-blossoms on the end of the nose. Young ladies disposed to cultivate roses on their cheeks Dives, who has ym dae. g he can wish for, complaining bitterly the other day. “1 havea pair of most inconvenient horses,” he said lamenting. “They jib going up-hill, and bolt going down-hill!” At any WELL, we arg, &c.—If you saw that dear boy WALTER ing to pull the trigger of his rifle, and you said so, what hakspearian quotation would you use?—‘* War’s in an aim.” (Contributor discharged uncured, EFFECTS OF THE FROST. A Five weeks’ settled frost, and the thermometer at intervals falling below zero, are happily in England not every-year occurrences ; and we may surely be excused if, for the benefit of posterity, we recur to them once more, and note a few of their effects. Having organised a staff of special w rproof reporters, who could poke their noses anywhere without a fear of being frost-bitten, we have gathered a great number of most interesting statistics, showing the results of the intensity of cold; and from them we now publish the following selection, with which our scientific readers will doubtless be delighted :— The frost was so severe on Christmas Eve that as Mr. Punch was brewing a bowl of his hot namesake, the spirit froze into big brandy- balls the [while he poured it out; and though the water had been boiling not two minutes before, it came out of the kettle in the form of a long icicle. The same evening Miss Spricuttye being caught beneath the mis- tletoe, received a chaste salute from the lips of her adorer, which in the act of printing it were frozen to her cheek so hard that, till her aunt came up, she could not break away from them. ‘ Down at Muddleditch in Suffolk, a wretched guest who being single was sentenced to a garret, found his shaving-water ice every mornin when he wanted it, and as he had unluckily brought ivory-handle hair-brushes, his hands were daily frostbitten in parting his back hair, nor could he once succeed in doing it exactly in the middle. _ The streams of _ going to the play during the holidays were, it is presumed, mostly frozen on the way, for very few were found to reach their destination. i Mr. Cxoserist in the Christmas week having asked a friend to dine with him, gave him such acold reception that he took a sudden chill at the moment of his entrance, and there being nothing stronger than claret after dinner, the poor man returned home with an attack of influenza, from which till the thaw came his sufferings were intense. Miss QuALLER, being asked to sing during the frost, and having what the critics call a “liquid” voice, found her articulation 80 im- peded by the cold that she was unable to get out a single note. One of the most facetious contributors to Punch, on sitting down to write his usual supply, discovered that although his nose and knees were in the fire, and his inkstand in a saucepan of hot water on the hob, the ink froze in his pen the instant he had dipped it, and as the wit flowed from his brains it congealed into dry humour, and could scarcely be dug out. é . . Two young Clergymen, in Kent, in defiance of their bishop, left off shaving, on the ground of its being in such weather cruelty to animals. But such, it is supposed, was the effect of the frost, that hardly a hair succeeded in sprouting on their cheeks, and their chins and upper lips were equally left barren. At upwards of a thousand new, and therefore ill-built houses during Christmas, the soup that left the kitchen in an almost boiling state was, through the cold draughts in the pay served out as savoury jelly; while the custards were solidified into hard ice-creams, and the only things that came to table hot were the cayenne pepper and the temper of the master. To keep itself from freezing a snipe flew down the shaft of a glass furnace in the North, and the frost was so intense, that though the bird went through the very hottest of the fire, it came out quite alive, and was scarcely even singed by it. A hirsute volunteer, who lives in terror of bronchitis, having in his usual manner buttoned his beard beneath his tunic as a protection to his chest, had it frozen during drill so firmly to his shirt front, that when ordered to move “ Eyes Right!” he found he could not turn his head, ae 9 he had to go through drill with his “ eyes front” in every movement. So severe was the frost in some parts of the country that hundreds of old hares were found turned white with terror at it. An extremely striking proof of the intensity of cold was afforded at the house of a gentleman at Peckham, whose butler when examining the plate after a dinner party, found that in the process of the washing up, all the salvers, forks, and spoons were turned to frosted silver. But of all the marvellous effects of the late frost, we have heard of none to equal a fact for which a gentleman named Sm-tH is our authority. We learn from this observer, that a street organ perform- ing opposite his doorstep, while playing part of HanpEL’s—or more correctly Hanpie’s—delicious Water Music had its pipes all frozen hard, but a change to Drops of Brandy gradually thawed them. SALUTING A CAPTAIN. Atmost as soon as Captain Dop’s invaluable Parliamentary Com- panion reached us, we learned that Mr. Titus Saut, M.P. for Bradford, had malevolently resolved in defacing one item in the manual. What does Titus mean by retiring? His namesake, the delight of mankind, never retired, until he went off for good and all. Does he mean to imply that the House of Commons is not worth its Salt? Does he forget that in the nautical debates likely to come on, there could not be a better adviser than an Old Salt? Does he think that Punch could not make about a thousand more epigrams upon him? Does he think Punch will? Because if he does he thinks a great mull, Mr. Punch’s only object in this Lo oy being to puff Carrarn Dop’s invaluable Parliamentary Companion, because it needs no puffing,

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| Fesruary 9, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

CONVIVIALITY AND SCIENCE. OME people, while it ted, grumbled sadly at the frost, but we a that very man of them, in spite of their growling, must have had a jolly 'time of it. We think, if fair statistics could be furnished on the sub- ject, it would be found that the consumption of the good things of this life has been in the last six weeks very much above the ave- rage. To men in health “fine bracing weather,” with the temperature at zero, is known to have a sig A ; marvellous effect upon the appetite, and when there is anything unusual in the way of cold without, an extra dose of warm within is pretty sure to be | prescribed for it, With a hungry Gnaw-Gnaw-Easter daily biti one to bits, one need have something extra in the way of vi sustenance, and stimulants seem needful to keep up one’s vital heat, and to protect the inner man from any risk of being frostbitten, It is true that this is really an erroneous idea, and your medical man will tell you that the influence of alcohol is to increase poet chance of frostbite, as in reality it makes you more susceptible of cold. Still, unless you are possessed of a remarkably strong mind, you will continue to place credit in the pleasant old delusion, and if there be any spirits present where you are, you will not hesitate to try if they have power to keep the cold out. i But besides the extra feasting occasioned by the temperature, and the extra nightly glass or two medicinally swallowed, the frost has | found excuse for a good deal of joviality, enjoyed under the plea of purely scientific purposes, We don’t know how many of our friends, so long as the cold lasted, considered it incumbent on themselves to watch its progress, and to sit up half the night with a guest or two for company, that they might make a record of the coldest time. That this was not peculiar merely to our friends, the columns of the news- papers afforded ample proof. Scarcely a Zimes passed without the printing of a letter from some vigilant observer, who besides telling the Universe that his thermometer at Boggleditch marked on the morning of his writing thirty-nine degrees of frost, stated that the coldest period was after three a.m., up to which hour he was conscious of having watched the glass. Upon statements such as this, cruel people might of course we in cruel comments, and hint at the observer’s being carried up to bed, as a reason why his observations of | the temperature were not carried down toa later hour than three. But without inclining to such savage beg of looking at it, we think that science is compatible with no small amount of jollity, and that when men take to watching their wet bulbs they are not unapt to make at times a wettish night of it. Although the glass may certify the weather is “ set fair,” other moisture may be present than that which is in the atmosphere; and when glasses, not thermometers, have sparkled on the board before a meeting of savants, “much haze” may be the record noted in their journals, while the readings of their night tubes should be taken with some caution, as their powers of observa- tion may chance to have been double.

Bailway Remembrancers. Wuew a Railway train stops at a Station you hear the porters running by and shouting something which, if you know where you are, you understand to be the name of the place. At the same time, newspaper boys also run by bawling, “ Zimes, Punch, Once a Week,” &c. Now there is another ery which, if heard at the same time, might prove a salutary warning. Young lawyers’ clerks might be usefully employed in trotting along the platform close to the carriages, and | erying, “Make your wills, ladies and ue make your wills! ” Much intestacy would be thus prevented.

A Man Called out of his Name. WE can’t conceive a greater misnomer than that of the Plaintiff in the great case of Paterson v. BuonaParte now being tried in Paris. To think of a man being called Parer-son, when the very question at issue is, whether he is to be allowed to be the lawfully-begotten son | of his own Pater—and the chances are a hundred to one against it!

MEDICAL MAGPIES. Wuar fools there are in the world! This we are aware is not a novel observation: in spite, however, of its staleness, we cannot but refix it to the following intelligence, which we copy from the Daily ) ee of Tuesday in last week ;— “Saxon SuperstiTion.—The following request was, in an open letter, made to the first Chamber of Deputies at: Dresden on the 19th of December last: ‘ Dresden, ee 17, 1860, The porn yg senemet <. * place ree = sells a powder against epilepsy, wi 6 permission 0: vernmen: ‘or this purpose magpies are cathe who (!) must be shot in the time between the 24th of December and the 18th of January, and who (!) must be deficient in neither claws nor feathers. Innumerable le have been cured by these powders; but unfortunately these meer ~y so difficult to obtain, that the strong demand for these powders cannot Bal The undersigned therefore humbly requests the honourable gentry and nobility of the Chamber, for the sake of the charitable purpose, to shoot as many as e di the abovementioned time, and to send them to the Sisters’ ent of place. . Qrro Von Erpmannsporr.’ As compl; with this request, some of the bees on 8 letter.” ; in Saxony have put their “ Innumerable people have been cured {by these powders!” Have they, indeed? Pray what number is in by the adjective “innu- merable?””’ Does it mean two or three, or even half a dozen? Before the noblemen of went magpie-shooting for the Sisters, we trust their minds i upon this not unimportant point. ity,” as we presume they are, of course they won’t object to let the secret they possess be transmitted over here to us for charitable purposes. Epilepsy is, unhappily, not unknown in Pogand; and there are many of our countrymen who would y add their names to the “innumerable” persons whom the Sisters’ charm has cured. If they will send us the See sa SY one of our physicians will attest{its efficacy, we promise to go out in person next December, and shoot as many ies as we can get near. We will also do our utmost to get up a Magpie Hi for Epileptic Patients, and we will advertise the ie Powders agatant Epilepsy as widely as professors of =r medicines puff their uy ‘ : While we write, a little bird comes , flying West ; and informs we Sat 2 ggee ten ee taken xp sden, and formally arraigned before the Chamber of Deputies for the heinous erime of singing in the streets the following song :— : Arn—“ The Perfect Cure.” Good le all, although I’m small, Grent ¢ ings, when dead, 1’ll do ’em: You’ve only got to get a pot, Wherein my bones you’ll stew ’em : When done, me to a powder grind, And then, of this 1’m sure, For Epilepsy you will find I am a Perfect Cure! But see my claws are whole, because 1’m useless else, remember, My feathers too; and mind that you Don’t boil me till December. Then grind me up, and you will see, As sure as eggs are § For Epilepsy, he! he! he! {fam a Perfect Cure! Now pray don’t laugh, or try to chaff, Or think my fun I’m poking, a but _— the — I kn heard rom men too grand for jo! 2 The noble swells of Saxony Have made assurance sure, And signed a note to certify That I’m a Perfect Cure! Chorus. A Cure! a Cure! a Cure! a Cure! For Epilepsy sure : The nobs, he! he! have said of me, “Yes, he’s a Perfect Cure!”

Can a Chattel be a Criminal ? In the eyes of the Slaveholders a Slave is deemed a thing, a bit of property, a chattel. Granting this be so, there comes just now the question, Can a thing do wrong? Can a chattel commit murder? If not—and common sense appears to justify the negative—on what ground is the charge made against AwpeRson the fugitive? He, a chattel, slew a slaveholder who hindered his escape. If this be reckoned murder, then, as things can do no murder, must slaves be counted men, and be no longer viewed and sold as being merely chattels. Utrumne horum velis, Carolina? Choose which view you will, but excepting you see double, you cannot well see both.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Fesruary 9, 1861. LET’S TRY TO BE CHEERFUL. A Dericrt’s coming, hurrah! hurrah! A Deficit ’s coming, hurrah! hurrah ! A Deficit ’s coming, and Giapstonz is humming And ha-ing about it, hurrah! hurrah! More taxes are coming, hurrah! hurrah! More taxes are coming, hurrah! hurrah ! More taxes are coming, for fifing and drumming Cost money in plenty, hurrah! hurrah! But one thing’s not coming, hurrah! hurrah! No, one thing’s not coming, hurrah! hurrah! Invasion ’s not coming, no, no, Doctor Cummine, We’re not a bit frightened, hurrah! hurrah! So when Budgets are coming, hurrah! hurrah ! When Budgets are coming, hurrah! hurrah! When Budgets are coming we’ll think that the summing Is all in our favour, h ! hurrah! TWO FEATURES ROLLED INTO ONE. A Crry Gent, praising a lady for her beauty, said, in a burst of rapture, “Oh! she’s got such a nasal eye!” Every one ‘was astonished, and upon questions bein asked as to what a “nasal eye” was like, our friend pointed: to a lady present, who, he said, had eyes something like his beauty in question. The truth then flashed out. It was “a hazel eye” the City Gent had meant to say. For the life of him, he could not see what there was to laugh at, because he had said a lady had “a nasal eye.” He got | quite angry, and left the room, which was a great relief to | every one present, as his absence enabled all the guests to join in one unanimous loud guffaw. Serve Them Right. WE learn that three young gentlemen of most respect- able connections have, as we think, deservedly been cut by their best friends, for the heinous sin of having when the Ferocious Drater. “ Now, if any man will tell me that that’s a Copy, J’l1l—\snow was lying on it,.tried to make out that the Isle of Ill knock him down | What’s your Candid Opinion?” | Dogs was like the Isle of White. AN UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT. Artention is really due to the subjoined extract from the Times’ money-article :— *‘It is understood that Mr. GLapsToxE has abandoned his attempt to extract double Income-Tax from the holders of Indian securities. Among the commercial public there has from the first been but one opinion as to the character of the pro- ceeding, and it has always been reported that Sm CuHartes Woop and the Indian Council were equally convinced of its impropriety. The holders, however, were forced to the annoyance and expense of taking measures to assert their rights, and it was only then that the Government found it necessary to ascertain their legal | standing.” ** Hang a man first, and try him afterwards ” is a maxim which, with analogical exactness, Mz. GLADSTONE has observed in dealing with the Indian Stockholders. ‘‘ Extract your tax from people first, and then ascertain if they are liable to pay it.” The parallel runs closely on all fours. It turns out that Indian Stockholders are not liable to pay double Income-Tax ; so that those who have had to pay it have been—we won’t say what, We do not wish to use a hard word. The Zimes goes on to announce that :— “« According to a notice from the Inland Revenue Office, it now appears that the opinion both of the Attorney and Solicitor General is, that the double tax cannot be enforced, and the claim has been accordingly given up. The amounts already deducted will, of course, have to be refunded.” We have often remarked that, whereas the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER is continually acknowledging the receipt of Conscience Money from “*X. Y. Z.,” “‘ Neddy Bray,” “A.S.S.,” and other simple- tons, you never find anybody who has been overcharged for Income-Tax or assessed, or other taxes, acknowledging the receipt of any conscience- money from the CHANCELLOR oF THE ExcaEQueR. Now at last, how- ever, he is forced to refund. The amount to be returned will not be conscience-money, ——- The CHANCELLOR OF THE ExcHEQUER disgorges ; but only under pressure. What sort of an example is that to set Hen Maszsty’s subjects? Will the queasiest of consciences of the most scrupulous people give up any more conscience-money to such a performer of restitution ? It is perhaps lucky for some people that the Right Hon. Member for the University of Oxford is not Home Secretary instead of | CHANCELLOR OF THE ExcHequer. For, although, in the former of those ministerial capacities, he would not exactly have it in his power to cause the execution of prisoners to precede their trial, he might, nevertheless, in the case of a petition to the Crown against a question- able conviction and sentence of death, advise his Sovereign first to order the sentence to be carried out, and then to examine the grounds of the appeal. Wasting Powder. Our Edinburgh friends have decided on letting a cannon be fired from the Castle every day at XII, in order that Auld Reekie may be aware of the exact time. This seems to us needless,—we had an idea that a Scotsman always “ knows what ’s o’clock.” «= In our Number of November 10, 1860, and under the heading *“'ypx OF THE MEDICAL Rocug,” we quoted a few lines from a letter which appeared in the columns of our estimable contemporary the Morning Post, and used them as a text upon which to make some general observations of our own. In the Morning Post, and therefore necessarily in Pusch, a blank was left for the name of the individual referred to. ; t In a communication which we have received since our last Number went to press, we are for the first time assured authoritatively on behalf of a gentleman who insists that the blank left by our contem- porary was intended for his name, that he has contradicted in the Morning Post the statement which we quoted. We are also informed that the Lancet has repeatedly, in articles on the subject, established the honourable character of his conduct in the matter. We think it due to the gentleman who complains of our article to give the same publicity to the contradiction that we gave to the quotation and to add that, as our observations were applicable to the conduct described in the contradicted statement, they fall with the statement so far as he is concerned. We printed no name at the time, an abstain from doing so now. It can answer no purpose to give the name to those who have not identified the blank with an individual, and to those who have, if there are any, our remarks will be as intelligible as if we gave the name at length. Peingea | by William Bradbury, of No. B Uren Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No.19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park, both in the Parish of St Pancras, in the County of Middlesex. ters, at their Office 1n Lombard Saruapar, Fevraary 9, 186. treet, in the Preciuct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride in the City of London.—

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Fesrvuary 16, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 65 LO SKETCH SHOWING THE POSITION OF THE EASTERN COUNTIES SHIP “EXPRESS” IN A HEAVY ROLLING LURCH. FUN FOR THE FOREIGN OFFICE. Litttz Jouxn—here ’s your good uck! You have shown both nous and pluck, Diplomatic knaves outwitted, Tricksters honestly admitted, Fairly, that is, let them in, And can laugh with those who win. cN\ Sharing in the noble mirth f Italians, men of worth, Who their liberty have won By your help, my little Jon, You, with GarrBaLpr laughing, d, an Emperor you’re chafing. Curious Coincidence. Wuo will maintain there is | nothing in the old Greek doctrine that names have a mysterious sig- nificance, in the face of the fact that the Spanish Minister, whose diplomatic duties have involved him in Francis tue Szconn’s fix inside Gaéta, should be the Count Dr Lema? Only the spelling should be corrected into dilemma, BOWYER’S BEST. Ir a Young Lady was entering a Convent, and a feeling of regret came over her, what kind of regret would you call it ? : An unavailing (a-nun-a-veiling) ! 1 MAKING THE MOST OF IT. In common, he supposes, with most rightminded people, Mr. Punch has seen with pleasure the columns upon columns of alms-giving an- nouncements with which, for the last two months, the Zimes has daily ished us. Mr. Punch has no intention to check the flow of charity, even though the frost which started it has ended. But certain of the donors whose names have been announced have occupied a space so disproportioned to their gifts, that a gentle hint seems needful to prevent this needless waste of our contemporary’s space. In too many subscription lists which lately have been advertised half a dozen lines or more have been taken up by what should have been put in only one. Tf for instance Mr. Jonzs, with his family and servants subscribed a five pound note, the gift has been paraded to the universe as follows :— 8. d, 0 0 Noys E. Jones, Esq., Mrs. JonEs ° ° Miss Jones . ‘ ° Miss JEMIMA JONES . ; " é ‘ ‘ Miss DororHea JupiT# DULCIBELLA JONES Master Jones . ‘ ‘ ‘ . ® Master WILLIAM Wicorns JoNES Master GeorGe Rosustus Jones . 5 PA . “ nie Collected among his Schoolfellows by Master PETER JONES . Servants’ Offerings, viz :— Cook, 2s.; Housemaid, 1s. 6d. ; Nurse, ls. 6d. ; Ditto (Under) 1s. ; Page, 6d. ; Knifeboy, 24d. Trumpet House, Blowborough m 2 1 0 5 3 3 3 1 cocooor jth da . } 6 Ss c=} Total £5 0 0 A few sovereigns in this way may be hammered out to cover much valuable space, and as charitable advertisements of course have to be paid for, this process of gold-beating becomes a rather costly one, and entrenches somewhat heavily upon the funds that are in hand. Mr. Punch, who has no sympathy with snobbism or puffery, would suggest that in a case like that of Mr. Jonzgs publicity should merely be allowed to the sum total, and that the items of subscription should, as needless, be suppressed. True Charity, we are told, vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up; and when charity is given with a great flourish of trumpets, It ceases to be charity, and becomes a mere advertisement. “You're Speaking of the Emperor?” ANKEXED Monaco, eh? What, at his tricks again? Nay, don’t say that. The tiny territory belonged to a Prince of the House of Grimatpr. At the worst, the act is only a pantomime trick. ANGLO-ITALIAN COPYRIGHT. Tue treaty betwoen England and Sardinia, referred to in the QueeEn’s Speech, — for the reciprocal security, in both countries, of “copyright on books, dramatic works, musical compositions, draw- ings, paintings, sculpture, engravings, lithography, and any other works whatsoever of literature and the fine arts.” This new inter- national treaty is a most important arrangement, especially if Sardinia is to involve United Italy. Those Italians, if good care were not taken to restrain their piratical propensities, would very soon plagiarise our works of art, and particularly our sculptures. As regards the latter, the mischief, probably, has already been done; and we are now only shutting the stable-door after the steed has been stolen. This obser- vation especially relates to our equestrian statues of GzorcEr THE THIRD with his pigtail, Gzorcz THE FourtTH riding his horse to drink, and the Duke or WELLINGTON on the ¥: of Burton’s Arch. In all these cases not only the horses, but also the riders, have most likely been stolen by Italian copiers of British ideas. The fine statue of JENNER sitting in his sheet, going to be shaved, and the contiguous sculpture which represents Sik Cuartes Naprer, the conqueror of Scinde, with a ramrod seemingly driven down his back, as well as that other work of truly high art, Nexson on the top of the column hard by, ! have doubtless es seized upon by some of the imitative countrymen of MicHakEL ANGELO and eavinoso CELLINI, and put forth as designs of their own. Of course they will appropriate the Crimean trophy, cannons and all. We should not be at all surprised to hear that the Pore has got Goc and Macoe at the Vatican; fac-similes, that is to say, of Goc and Macoe, but which his Holiness verily believes to be the originals of our City Giants. There is another great work of ours, which the Italians are endea- vouring to imitate, and are welcome to do so, if they can. That is the British Constitution. We shall not claim copyright in that conception ; though, if the Italian people succeed in constructing a real resemblance to our form of Government, we expect they will stand something hand- some, Like their own Rome, our grand political edifice was not built in a day ; but now the Italian architects have got our model to work iron, it is = be hoped that they will be able to run up the building in a few months. “ Wantep a Goop Curren ””—For the Isthmus of Suez. Apply to Mr. FerpINanp DE beEsseps. VOL, XL, H

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, [Fesruary 16, 1861. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. ff BBRUARY, 5, 1861, Tuesday, 4 and St. Agatha’s Day, the Great British and Little Trish Parliament re-assem- bled for a Session which, likeevery Session Mr. Punch ever heard of; promises to be marked by the most im- rtant crisis conceivable. ever was there a time when, &c., &c., never was Europe in a situation of greater, &c., &c., never were =. more —— to never were legisla- tors more bound to be that, never were the people more bound to be the other thing. But let the world be of good cheer, gern in arms stands the demi-god Punch, and the world may be further comforted by hearing that— “ Si fractus illabatur Orbis, Impavidum ferient ruinz.” At the usual hour Quzzw Victoria ascended her | throne and delivered her Speech. This will be known im historyas the Colloquial Speech. It was so termed by the EArt op Densy in the sub- sequent debate on the Address; but what would that, ml draught and | translator of Horacg have said, if he had seen the original of the ' document, as prepared by the Bottleholder. This was colloquial, if : you like. The Prince Consort was kind enough to send it on to | Mr. Punch, simply in order to amuse the latter Field Marshal; but it | is really such a specimen of Patmerston’s free-and-easy-ism that it must be embalmed forthe Ages. This was PaLMERSTON’s composition : My Lorps anp GENTLEMEN, * Here we all are again ; and how do you do to-morrow? All is serene, as far as I can see, and I hope the moderation of foreign parties will keep things so. Talking of moderation, what a bore those | moderator lamps are to make burn properly. I wish somebody would ‘ invent a good lamp. The Italians are going it, are they not? However, that’s neither | your business nor mine. Let them settle their affairs their own way. : If you want to see what Jonwny Russetx has been writing about it, he has my orders to give you the papers. Tt was necessary, of course, to stop that shocking work in Syria, and as Louis Narotxon happened to have soldiers handy (he always has) I and the other four Powers agreed that he should send some of them to help the Sultan to put down the savages. The French troops, you understand, represent all of us. I hope that all will be set straight. We have given it to the Chinese, and taken Pekin, so that business is done. There ’s a Blue Book for you full of the particulars, but I fancy you know all about them already. India is improving, except in the £ s. d. line, but we’ll trust that will come right in time. Those tattooed parties, the New Zealanders, have been making a shindy, but it is to be hoped that they will be put down and kept down. Iam sorry to say that stars are falling from the flag of America. The Yankees are our cousins and our customers, and I do trust that they will make up matters somehow. They were so very kind to my eldest boy when — over the Union, that Iam doubly vexed at their being in trouble, The Canadians and the other North Americans were also remarkably attentive to Epwarp, and his papa and myself are exceedingly obliged to them. Let me call your attention to the elegant beard of the Duke or NrweastLz, grown by that nobleman in compliment to his charge, my Heir. Mr. Cospen has been settling the schedules of the French Treaty, and is I hope all the better for his trip to Algiers. I don’t suppose my friend Victron Emmanvet often opens a book, which makes it the more civil in him to have executed a copyright treaty with me. So my poets must not “annex” the /idretii of Italian operas any more, but must invent nonsense for themselves, a task to which I am happy to think them quite adequate. GENTLEMEN OF THE Hovusz or Commons, The Estimates have been framed with—what are you laughing at? Well, Mr. Grapstonz says they have, and he and “my dear Mr. CravrurD” must settle it between them. My Lorps axp GENTLEMEN, There will be laid before you measures for the consolidation of the Criminal Law, for improving the Law of Bankruptcy, for making it easier to sell your Land, and for making a system of uniform Rating, whatever that is, and also measures for Reform of —— (what is Joun RvssELL crying about ?) for Reform of several things requiring it. Iam sure you will do ‘what is right, and I leave matters in your | hands with perfect confidence, I’m sure. &c., &c. | Now this was a speech which Lorp Dersy might well have called | Colloquial. Of course it would not do, and a steadier hand with a little more of the penny-a-lining faculty, had to put the above topics into decorous language, which was delivered by Hen Masesty with her accustomed grace of diction. The only other point which marked the opening of the Session was, that theCrinolines of the Peeresses and their girls nearly broke the heart of the respected official who had to make room for six where there was really space for only two, and to see the pretty eeeupants in jon smile in the kindest way at his prayers, but never attempt to stir, was delightful. Mr. Punch, who has always defended Crinoline, asks with indignation why the House of Satya: re tae —_eS - oe built, it see: the wreng Dclomi suggests that the new house be made of vulcanised India-rubber, so that it may be stretched out to decent proportions when ladies are allowed. to collapse ; when wanted for ordinary ) hopes that there is nothing | in this to the Consitation and indeed he thinks the pro- posal strict in conformity with Magna Charta, which says that “justice shall be denied to nobody,” and it is clearly denying justice . a lady when you do not give her room-to do justice to her beautiful clothes. Lords Lieutenant, Lorp Szerron, formerly a gr er, and Lorp Lismorg, an O’Callaghan of Shanbally, moved and seconded. The ex-grenadier’s maiden speech was neat enough, but the Shanbally party could not be heard. Then the Lorp or Dersy made a long, smart oration, in which he called the Speech “‘unexceptionable,” and of course proceeded to pick it to pieces, terming it colloquial, as aforesaid, and otherwise faulty, praising it, however, for its want of “ ambition,” which meant its omission of mention of a Reform Bill. He was sorry that the Quzzn had not been asked to say something about the recent distresses, and of the mere tes had evoked, and while compassion- ating such of the working as could not save.money, rebuked those who, earning more than clerks and others in a higher station, spent their wages in drink and idleness and had nothing for a rainy day. He wished to hear something about finance, but his chief demand was for an exposition of our real relations with Narotzon. Also he thought that Francis tHe Swconp had had hard measure dealt out to him. He was not opposed to Italian unity, if it could be effected, but he wished to hear Ministers on the subject. After some sarcasms directed at Lorp Jonn Russext for his despatches on the Italian question, and a fairer scoff at the murky mystification of the speech of the EmpPEroR OF. THE Fence, Lorp Dersy was happy to announce that he did not mean to move any amendment to the A s in answer to the unexceptionable and colloquial Speech. Lorp Gran- VILLE in reply was equally happy to perceive from Lonp Dersy’s vigour and humour that he had quite recovered from the gout, assured | the other Earl that the Speech said everything that it ought to say, and no more, and by way of reply to the invitation to dilate on foreign politics, delivered a graceful eulogium on the late Lorp ABERDEEN. | The Peers, having had chaff enough, voted the Address, and departed | exactly in comfortable time to get home to eight o’clock dinners. In the Commons the Address was moved and seconded by Deputy | Lieutenants Sir THomas CoLEBROOKE Mr. Cuarztes Pacer, | hereby immortalised, sans phrase, Then Mr. James Wuite, of | Brighton, thought it necessary to make a display of cackling patriotism, | He complained that the Queen had not been made to scold the Lords ! for refusing, last year, to abolish the paper pos he complaihed that | the national expenditure was extravagant, and he complained that | there was no mention of a Reform Bill. On the last point he moved an amendment to the address. Another shining light of the same | order, Mr. Dicsy Seymour, seconded him, and next day had his | pocket picked and his watch taken in Westminster Hall, which trial may we hope be blessed to him. Mn. Disrarti then had a good deal | to say, approved the omission of Reform, but declared that the mind | of the country was much “bewildered” in reference to the condition Both Houses, of course, held debates on the Address. A couple of || ———ee ee ee ee eee ee ee ee, | |

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varted | jeputy | AGET, | TE, of | otism. | Lords | d that | 1 that | Faepruary 16, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 67 of affairs and the policy of the Government. He predicted that the EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH would s come forth as the Head of the Latin Race. And he walked into Lorp JoHN about his despatches, and accused him of misquoting VaTrTEL. It seems that the Leaders of Opposition do not agree about Italy, Lorp Dersy seeing no objection to the Unity, and Mr. Disrarii seeing a very great objection to it, in the shape of Louis NapoLzon at the head of a Million of Armed Men. Lorp Joun Russet recom- mended Mr. Disrazxi to get rid of his own personal bewilderment by reading the papers on the table, defended himself and his despatches, declaring that his first had not been intended for publication, and as to Unity, said that it was not a scheme of the Government's, but that the Italians must do as they liked. As for Reform, he did not believe that he could carry any but a trifling measure until public opinion should demand a larger bill. The Country was Quite Dead on the subject. Mr. Bricur utterly denied this, mourned over the back- sli of the Cabinet, and having shown in a very lucid manner that almost any decent person could by industry and resolution agquire the franchise, denounced those who declined to get up a disturbance in order to confer the vote on those who would not take the pains to deserve it.. And, by way of a novelty, the amendment was pressed to a division, And Tomary Wurre and Joayxy Bricut took what low folk call xiz, By a motion on a notion which was shared by Forty-Six, While all the Whigs and Tories went together, hand-in-hand, And “One-Two-Nine for Ministers” out-shouted Henry Baap. So ended the first night of the Session of 1861. Wednesday. Mz. Szymourn FitzGERatp made a smart speech on | Foreign Affairs, pitching into Lorp Joun Russext, and the latter made a still smarter one in reply, ending with the expression of his Lordship’s belief that we are not on the eve of dangers, a truly satis- factory assurance. make an alliance with Italy and | Repl | Thursday. The Address was presented, and this was Her Masesty’s ply -— I think your Address is both loyal and dutiful, Its syntax correct, and its sentiments beautiful ; And I’m sure you'll all give the best con-si-de-ra-tion To the Bills you discuss for the good of the nation. In the Commons, Mr. Miner Grssow said that Government had considered the frequency of Railway Accidents, and meant to let the Companies alone most severely. Mn. Giapstone proposed some alterations in the way the Old Lady in Threadneedle Street deals with our money ; and Siz G. C. Lewis introduced the Rating Bill, which is not a Rating Bill at all, but a Bill for improving the mode in which assessments are made and collected—evidently Pam, in writing the Speech, had not the sli idea of what he was promising. He was much more at home in his Speech, to-night, for a Committee to inquire whether the House would not h its business better by omit- ting sundry old forms ; and mbers made long speeches in very proper condemnation of lengthy orations. And the gage of | © battle between Church and Dissent was flung down, Sir Joun TRE- LAWNY i ing his Bill for the abolition of Church-Rates. Go it, Bishop! Go it, Little Bethel! Friday. The Miscellaneous Talk began with some spirit, and a variety of subjects were brought up, but the only point Mr. Punch intends to mention was Lory Jouwx Rvusse1i’s statement, in reference to the Druse massacres, that Fuap Pasna, having of the Christian Bishops in Syria, how many of the 8000 adult males in the district of the atrocities t to be put to death in revenge for the slaughter, the Christian Bishops unanimo demanded the lives of 4,600 men, and it was as much as the Mahommedans could do to get the Christians to consent to be satisfied with the blood of 1,200 men, which was the lowest terms they would take. A Select Committee on the Poor Laws was granted—a natural result of the exhibitions of blun- dering by Relieving Officers, and the like, during the recent distresses. A POST OBIT PROSECUTION. = tion of the | ever, that document was based on a belief that a could be called to account, HE Morning Post an-| and beyond the grave. Such an idea nounces that the ques- | may be thought to bes something like the = madness mis- of malice. The Ear or GuiLtForD managed Hospital of = St. Cross, near Win- = chester, is about to be brought before Parlia- = ment by petition, the Equity Courts having no jurisdiction in con- , sequence of the foun- dation being an eccle- siastical benefice. Our matutinal contempo- rary subjoins a state- ment of the facts of the case, and the ob- jects of the peti- tioners ; one of those objects being :-— hE ‘To cancel the leases = granted by Lorp Guiz- - FORD of the Hospital pro- perty, in despite of an ieee ‘ ! Ves n lg = — — : fe a = r ae ea poe = contrary, and who was Act of Parliament to the never the legal master psa. Aw es his Lordship for histenpe- sition on them, and to compel restitution of the immense sums of money appropriated to his own uses, which his Honour the Master of the Rolls decreed ‘he was not and is not entitled to,’” It is needless to say that the above example of fom, reasonableness, justice, and benignity is a communication to the Editor of the Morning Post, and not the composition of that gentleman. The se of the petition is stated to be “to cancel the leases granted by Lorp Guitrorp of t fe Hospital property, in despite of an Act of Parliament to the contrary, and who was never the legal master thereof.” “And who,” may be supposed to mean “and notwithstanding that he,” the antecedent to the relative “who” being presumed to be the Eant or Guitrorp. Now, as‘the Hart or Gururorp died the other day, it is not easy to see how the lessees alluded to will, if their leases are cancelled by Parliament at the prayer of the petition above quoted, be able to sue that departed nobleman, It will be impos- sible for them to bring him to book, unless they bring him to a primer, and, by the inter- vention of a medium and help of a table, get_him to rap out his answer to the charge of fraud by the alphabet. But even if they should succeed in inducing him to rap out, they will never manage to compel him to fork out. They will, therefore, haye to grin and bear the loss of property which the petition seeks to have inflicted on them by the Legislature. was a divine of the old school, and dealt with the loaves and fishes of St. Cross as such; but the notion of prosecuting a dead man could only, one would think, be entertained by that Accuser who indicts defendants at the bar of the Court above. In that case, the Accuser of the defunct Master of St. Cross would also be the ‘‘ Accuser of the Brethren.” THE WONDERFUL CABINET.—Four times a week, at least, so long as Parliament lasts this Session, will the WonDerFruL Cabinet be thrown open at the Westminster Palace, to the Public, who will have an opportunity of admiring the various articles of *‘ virtue and bigotry” that it contains. So miscellaneous and comprehensive are these articles, that it is quite impos- sible to enumerate one hundiedth part of them in the space of a short advertisement. To give one specimen, there is the Bankruptcy. Bill, that, consisting of not less than 500 different pieces, was sufficient of itself to fill the House last Session for more than several evenings, and et it forms only one separate part of this Wonderful binet, that may be said to contain more curiosities than Barncm’s Museum even at New York. Due notice will be given of the night when this far-famed Bank- ruptcy Bill will be produced for the first time by Sir R. BETHELL, the principal drawer in the Cabinet. Boas of performance from 5 o’clock P.M., up to midnight, and frequently longer than that A morning perfermance every Wednesday at2. Head Showman, Lorp PaLmer- stox. Children in arms not admitted. An Old Joke in a New Form. Paris has its Conservatoire de Musique and London its Covent Garden Opera—and, inas- much as the latter can boast with pride of its Pyne and its MELLON, we see no reason why it shouldn’t be called a Conservatory as well, WHAT IT REALLY MUST COME TO, Ir Bensamm of Bucks gives the House many speeches like his dull and dreary oration of last Tuesday, he will be bound to apply for a ee to change his name from Dizzy to Y.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fesruary 16, 1861. i Hil LAN i a | | : vA. Dh Uh Aa | b)) WB My Say Ci Vi ‘a } Pe f| a ~ > iy MYL ip i Cara | CONSIDERATE! Youne PuaceE (mysteriously). ‘‘ Ahem! Captain—it strikes me there’s something on between you and the fairhaired party with the coronet ? Tf so, between friends, you know. Eh? As I had some thoughts,—eh? dowt you know ?” CapTaIN (facetiously). ‘‘Oh/ ah! I see—very delicate of you—quite takes a load off my mind, ’sure you !” THOSE DOGS OF ITALIANS! ** No doubt all the people in Italy might be called Italians,— As hounds and greyhounds, mongrels, spaniels, curs, Shoughs, water-rugs, and demi-wolves, are ’cle All by the name of dogs.”—Lorp DersBy’s Speech on the Address. THANKS, courteous Rupert, for the gentle gird ; We thank thee, Peer, for teaching us the word. As dogs are dogs, whate’er their build or breed, are Iti , be their seed From Alp or Apennine, reared north or south, In Milan’s moisture or Apulia’s drouth. And why should Italy the image spurn, And from such parallel in anger turn? Tf “every dog,” we’re told, “ will have his day,” Sure Italy for 4er’s may hope and pray. Then dogs have such true hearts, such faithful natures, Poets have ranked them o’er their fellow-creatures : And dogs are blest with scent, to smell out vermin, Shroud they in sackcloth, crouch they under ermine ; And dogs are swift their quarry to pursue ; And dogs are sharp of teeth to rend it, too,— And most in this, dogs’ wit our own transcends— The precious art of knowing foes from friends ; And Dante doggedly through hell did jog; And MicuatL ANGELO ’s a grand old dog; From all “sly dogs,” who claims to bear the bell ? The subtle, supple, smooth Macuiavat ; Cotumeus kept his dog-watch not in vain ; And Ga.iiz0’s tube dogged Dian’s train. What was the sobriquet that came most handy, To great Verona’s greatest Lord ?—Can Grande— Which means “ Big Dog,” and this was he whose power Found Dante shelter in his exiled hour, Nay, turning to the present from the past, Upon what jollier dog was crown e’er cast, Than Victor, at Turin? Does land or sea know , A sadder dog than wretched BomBaLino ? Yet, ringed with fire at ever lessening distance, He offers still a dogged, dour resistance. Venetia writhing Austria’s hoof beneath, Aye shows—and soon may use—her canine teeth. |; And soon the parallel may hold more far, Should Iialy re-slip her dogs of war. Those dogs, who stoutly swam the Tyrrhene sea, With GarrpaLpi—grand old sea-dog he! Who—units braving hundreds—sprang to shore, And swept— heroic pack—Trinacria o’er. Let storm’d Palermo, let Melazzo say, When British bull-dogs showed more pluck than they ? Laughing to scorn e’en Scylla’s rival bark, And dodging fierce eg in the dark, To run, close-mouthed, their Royal Reynard down, Till he took earth in Gaéta’s walled town. Staunch, steady dogs, how quick you worked and quiet, Scarce, here and there, one young hound running riot, Till in Caserta’s parks and paddocks tame Hunting once more showed out—a Royal game. Yes, courteous Rurert—well the image holds— Italy’s dogs are up! Wolves—ware the folds! Rechristening a Governor. ConsIDERING the line GoveRNoR Pickens has taken with regard to the Federal property in South Carolina, we should auegest the pro- priety of an addition to his name. Let him henceforth known as GOVERNOR PicKkENS AND STEALIN’s. iy 4 a | oa a «3 "4 , a | r’w~A*T rt Tr wow aa rrTT ST = — Ore rT oe

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Fesrvary 16, 1861] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 71 AMATIC CORRESPONDENT rs Ls Court a spite ee the pew Saat aoe ve A of three : clowns (all good); the so-called ‘ comic business’ was insufferably dreary. OUR: BRAMA That in Tors Thumb was more bearable, because there was less of it: but, “Dean Puncu, alas! there’s no hot poker there (can such things be thought vulgar ?) ; “Have you seen Timour the Tartar? or Trwun the Tatar, as|and oh! what a good old-fashioned — methought was missed, when we have lately learned to call him, though it hardly sounds respectful | Clown, who rides a ond of wooden horses @ la Astley’s, omitted to get to by ee of great Khan of Tartary merely as a Tatar Khan. If| Pantaloon to chalk his feet with butter. ‘you have not, take my advice and a fourwheel cab, and go; it won’tdo| “This being the time for ending pantomimic business, next week I these windy nights to ride about in Hansoms. I spent a pleasant hour| hope and trust to see our ‘Great Tragedian,’ who I hear is drawing and a quarter at his court the other evening, after an agreeable prelude | myriads to his ‘masterly performances.’ Meanwhile, with compliments of Old Trusty. (By the way, what has come to Mz. Appisow of late? | to Judy, believe me, my pee: Punch, I used to fancy him at one time only fit for “heavy fathers,” and the Yours sincerely, like co ngemecmganie Sas, Sten Naar ‘ hy him nom a nome “One Wxo Pars.” something new and fresh, anything but stagy. acting in this piece has a quiet truth about it which I the more commend, as the part is badly written and tempts to over-acting.) “Sportsmen when well mounted hope for a long run, and if Timour fails to have one it is no fault of the mounting. The piece is as well put on the stage as an author can desire, and leaves nothing to be wished for in the way of decoration. If the ballet guards were trained to march a little more in time, the public would perhaps be more applausive of their movements. At eet when at drill they are a rier awkward squad, although their looks and legs are by nature not ungpiniy. But this is a slight blot, and in general the ‘effects’ cannot well be more effective. The last: scene is as pretty as any I have seen; and, unlike us .“Tranformation’ businesses, has to me the great advantage that if does nof tire one’s patience by a bit-by-bit evelopment, “You may fancy, from my mention of these scenic merits first, that the authorship on acting are but secondary matters. This I know has been the fashion at some theatres of late, but I am glad to say has not now proved the case at the Olympic. I don’t think Zimour was knocked off in a couple of a work, with the assistance of strong tea, and may be something a whit stronger. I Aave heard of burlesques being rattled off in this way, a rough sketch being first made for the guidance of the scene-painters, and the ‘ words’* served out perhaps on the morn- IMPERIAL ASSURANCE. Ly politics—to say it much I grieve— world, albeit in the face of facts’ Inexorable logic, won’t believe totally disinterested acts. _ All T can say is, that Savoy and Nice Irrevoeab ee rejoined to France; So now let Commerce calculate on peace, Take a new start, assured no war will chance. To aid a just cause, France may draw the good, e Quite without thought—save t—of gain, Whereof events occasion may afford; — New prov: for instance, to obtain. To vindicate her honour, if ’tis hurt, France too may fight, but not with farther aim, Except her will and pleasure to assert, And generous ideas to proclaim ing of performance. But I don’t think 7imour bears the stamp of this fast school, for it seems written with more care than can be given at such high-pressure. The plot is certainly not interesting, nor yet the mostintelligible. But after all, who looks for skilful plot ina burlesque ? One might as well expect the taste of port in a potato. There are lots of puns and pleasant parodies in Zimowr, but the writing is not so ‘smart’ as to become a painful matter to you. That new kind of verbal torture whereby a string of senseless words are made to sound like one, is to my old-fashioned mind a most exeruciatin; torment; and I confess that I pieces which are stuffed so full o se Las one’s ears are sure to ache with being stretched to catch them. 54, acting is generally speaking good; but I must say that Miss KEELEY deserves asec word of praise for her distinct articu- lation. I never heard her Mother’s equal for making a joke éel/, and I am glad to find the daughter echo that clear utterance. Her singi too, is nice (though not always in tune), and there is a lively sprightli- about her which makes you my | that her work is more a pleasure labour to her, and she herself enjoys the fun as much as like to see good humour have fair vent upon the stage, pro- it does not assume the form of ‘ ing. Gags I holdin and i am surprised that should ha’ With forty millions, France can threats despise, © Br wee hid ee ok ens Da ak ee inspires mistrust, to my surprise, Suspicion, which I cannot understand! Her army is invincible, all know, vulnerable is her iron fleet. Then who to war with her will idly With the dend certainty of being beat ? therefore, drooping Confidence, revive, Cheer up dull Business; clear thy cloudy brow. Now languid Speeulation, look alive, Tak fear mo row. Hor none her enmity will dae os none e; Europe must let her do what shone please : Then European concord won’t be broke. jon, and I honestly confess ve stooped to them, I can understand that actors ' ho can’t play without applause, and who know they have not clever-| AccoRpING to the Roman Correspondent of the Post :— ness enough to win it fairly, should have recourse to claptrap asa “In Rome the last novelty was the English Bachelor's which brilliant event to get a clap, and should try to make buffoonery pass current took place last night in the club rooms, and was attended by the flower of the ig; but Zimour is performed by one who is ranked as our | British and Foreign Society here, as well as GENERAL DE Govon, the DUKE oF f burlesque, and who should feel ashamed to descend to | @®4™°"™ and the principal part of the corps diplomatique. gagging. Had Timour been a dull and heavily-written part, theremight} Rome must be fest the place for a Bachelors’ Ball. It abounds in perhaps have been some shadow of excuse for him ; but this is not the| priests, who are all necessarily bachelors. The only defect that could case. Inallother respects Zimour is admirably played by Mx. Rosson. | vitiate such a ball would be the absence of the fair sex; for the Roman T have been working hard in the dramatic way this week, and have | Clergy are vowed to single blessedness, and few ladies will willingly looked in at both the Operas, besides my glance at the Olympic. dance with men whom they cannot possibly marry. But there woul Batre was the composer who catered in each case, and I had the| be no want of petticoats at a bachelors’ Tall ed by numerous opportunity of comparing with his most recent one of his earliest pro-| members of the. Priesthood, if those reverend gentlemen appeared in ductions. But that Bianca does not seem of such good promise for | fall i The flower of —, might be pattly composed of the barrel-organs, I should incline to rank it below the other work. | members of monastic societies, some of whom might ere is, however, certainly great virtue in this ‘but.’ There is | flowers. Would not the Cardinals, as many as might be present, make nothing in Bianca that I need fear will haunt me, like'the ‘dreaming | illiant display of millinery and muslin? Surely all the girls who that I dwelt,’ in the ballady Bohémienne, By the bye, the last libretto | is not a vast advance upon the poetry of bows. I could point out A HOP AT THE HOLY SEE. Sg pe \ re roun s! They wo play of svarle many & passage nearly equal in absurdity to the ‘hollow hearts’ that pee thao which might be rendered the more effective by the judicious Wear @ mask,’ in the old piece. employment of Crinoline, De Meron might serve ANTONBLLI as The Pantomimes at these great houses are worthy of small notice. | partner in oar. The Porsz himself, if he wears white satin shoes, Anomalous as it may ae must confess that Paynz is always sure | might as dance, and —_ lead off the Ball in a quadrille, such as to give me pleasure, and | have this year had much entertainment | would be sanctioned by Mz. Sruncron, except that our popular from Remorse, I rejoice to see the son treading pantomimically on his | Protestant preacher would probably wish all the gentlemen to appear in father’s heels; and if spirits be permitted, as some say, to walk the| male costume, and none of them attired like fe earth, I hope { be haunted by a less f demon. But, | benefit his Holiness, wh i tc be te NR eatenloe a u ope | never may be haunted by a less facetious demon. But, is Holi who is sai ucing | with these exceptions, the Pantomime in Bow Street was as dull as! corpulence. .s

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fepruary 16, 1861. |

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Mt Qi Se = RY ~~ ss] EN Nea ORRRY RES PSS S/ SCREAMING LATIN JOKE BY OUR ETON BOY.

ECONOMY WITH ELEGANCE. “Mr. Ponca, Husbands and fathers will, I am sure, be pleased to see the following an- nouncement, copied out of Le Follet :— “The material called d: home dress this winter, Pony 95 a oe or & and elegant designs, that it may rank next to velvet.” “Bachelors afraid to marry will be great! encouraged to do so by the above Bede ang They will naturally suppose, most of them, that droguet is the fashionable word for drugget, which material, howsoever unaceustomed they ay be to sonaphecnine, they will at least know to be commonly used for the saving of carpets. The idea that drugget is in great request for home dress will diminish the horror with which they contemplate the danger of incurring milli- ners’ bills, inseparable from matrimony. They will perhaps cherish the fond hope that, since drugget is now in great request for home dress, it will soon become in equally great request for evening dress ; for that, being made in such rich and varied designs that it may rank next to vel- vet, it will, before long, be made equal to velvet, and be adopted by ladies as a substitute for that material, and other fabrics which are equally ex- pensive. I have a whole family of grown-up daughters, and their collective dresses amount to—I am afraid to Ls how many hundred yards. I hope Le Folle¢ will impress young men with an idea that, if they wed, their wives will be satisfied with being clad in drugget, and am, &c., * PATERFAMILIAS,” “P.S. I wish my dinner was always dressed as well as my family.”

AN AMERICAN CABINET MINISTER. (PAINTED BY HIMSELF.) Mr. Jounn Brieut tells us to take United States institutions for our model. Does he extend the recommendation to United States Cabinet Ministers? Ought Lorp Hersert or Lx, for instance, to accept as his model Mr. Froyp, the late Secretary of War in Mz. Bucnanan’s administration ? iM ; Mr. Froyp has seceded from that administration, and has given to Virginia an account of his stewardship. His his fellow-citizens in speech is a remarkable document, as showing us how far American statesmen have — in improving upon our old-fashioned notions of truth, honour and patriotism. } He his discourse with an eulogium on that great and blessed thing—Slavery :— “ God in his commandments wrote with his own fingers upon Mount Sinai, ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's slave ;’ and if these fanatics will deal with this sub- ject in a religious aspect, I would have them remember that the first slave-catcher in the history of the world was an angel of God, sent by God to take a runaway slave—a ni bring him back to his master.’’ The allusion we presume (in spite of the gender) is to the case of Haar, as recorded in the 16th Chapter of Genesis, though we cannot find anything there of the angel ¢asing the runaway; nor were we aware till now, that Hacar was a negress. The contemplation of the subject of slavery is almost too much for Mr. Froyp. Lifted into enthusiasm he continues :— © Sy it 4 a ae gy eatin. -< it pane that mt a Providence of God it came down throug new dispensation to be preserved and perpetuated in con- formity with the will of Divine Providence.” ~— But Mr. Froyp is at least consistent with himself. Having dis- covered that slavery is a “hallowed institution,” it is not to be wondered at that he should have made the discovery that “treason” is synonymous with “duty.” He is a modest man, however, and owns that he only rose to his con- ception of duty by degrees. When he found himself Secretary at War “‘by accident—beyond either his merits, wishes, or aspirations,” he laboured, he tells us, “to understand the power of the position and its responsibilities.” “«T soon found that it was full of significance, that it was an armed power for good, and armed with immense power for evil. Whilst your men were aspiring for the Presidency, and whilst I was the subject of vituperation and abuse which I never answered, I undertook so to dispose of the power in my hands that when the ter- ean came, you, and all of you, and each of you, should say this man has done u y.” And what was Mr. Froyn’s duty, according to his latest light on the subject? Simply to transfer the arms and ammunition of the Federal Government to the forts and arsenals of the States he knew to be on the verge of secession—in order that they might be armed for resistance to the Federal forces. Froyp asks pardon for “the egotism” of his avowal. He saw what was at hand :— “‘I saw a fissure in the iceberg coming. I knew there was no between heaven and earth that could divert it. 1 understood as I understand this moment, that as it had split everything in its path, it was destined to split the administration of the United States. 1 stood firm.” Even the Prestpent—easy man as he is—suspected what ' Mr. Froyn’s strong sense of duty was leading him to :— ‘‘ The PRESIDENT said to me—and I thought I never saw him in my life look so much like what comes up to my idea of a Presipent of the United States as he looked that evening—he said, ‘Mr. Fioyp, are you going to send recruits to Charleston to strengthen the forts? What about sending reinforcements to Charles- ton ?’ I was taken very much by surprise to find the PresipentT making this inquiry, indicating, to my mind, a change of policy on his — I said, ‘Mn. PRESIDENT, nothing about sending recruits to Charleston.’ ‘ Don’t you,’ said he, ‘intend to strengthen the forts at Charleston?’ ‘Ido not intend to strengthen the forts at Charleston.’ Says he, ‘Mr. F.oyp, I would rather be in the bottom of the Potomac to-morrow tban that these forts should fall into the hands of those whointend to take them. It will destroy me, Sir.’ And, said he, ‘Mr. Fioyp, if that thing occurs it will cover your name—and it is an honourable name, Sir—with an infamy that all time can never efface, because it is in vain that you will attempt to show that you have not some complicity in handing over these forts to those who take them.’ ” It seems, therefore, that at this time the Presment’s notions of “duty” slightly differed from Mr. Frorp’s. The act that Mz. Frorp is so proud of is one, according to Mr. Bucuanan, “that will cover his name with an infamy that all time can never efface.” GeEnERAL Cass, too, took the same perverted view of “duty” as the PreEsIpENT. He was for strengthening the Southern Forts. “He said there must be force, and there shall be force.” In the interval between his first and second interview with Mr, Fioyp, however, the PresipENnT seems to come round, rather, to the Fioyp view of “duty.” “He never looked so like a President” as when he told Mr. Fioyp that “his conduct would cover his name with everlasting infamy ;” but after he had changed his mind on this point, it was— “With a beautiful countenance and with a heroic decision that I shall never forget [that he replied to GenzRat Cass] in the Council Chamber, ‘I have considered this question. I am sorry to differ from the SzcreTaRy or StaTE—I have made up my mind. The interests of the country do not demand a reinforcement of the forces in Charleston. I cannot do it—I will not do it—and I take the responsibility of it upon myself.’ That is what he said, and the next day this glorious cld sent in his resignation. Then gentlemen, I clapped my hands again. I was sorry to part from him, God knows, because he had done what has seldom been done, he has inspired during four years a feeling of affection in my heart ; but when he left, I could not help cocking my eye and saying, ‘God speed you, old man, to the 01 ”

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a A | es oS ere Gew.s Sry 2 OK rey OF eee cee Fesrvary 16, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - 73 four was, indeed, no common feat, and well deserved the compli- meat which it extorted from Mr. Froyp of a “cock of his eye,” and a ‘ God speed to the North.” : We have taken no liberties with Mr. Fioyn’s noble revelation. We have ventured on no comment. Such virtue deserves, surely, if ever virtue did, to be “its own reward.” F And this is a Cabinet Minister of the United States! Let Lorp Patmerston and Lorp Joun Rvssext, the Duxe or Somerset and Lorp Hzrsert look on this picture and blush for their own miserable inferiority. Let the benighted Britisher learn from Mx. Fiorp what slavery is, and what duty is, and store up the lesson against the time when JonN Butt acknow JONATHAN as an example, exports and wollops his own nigger, repudiates his debts, betrays his public trust, and after a touch of pardonable egotism in proclaiming what he has done, lies down with the proud consciousness that, whatever comes of it, “ thank God, he has done his duty!” THE CLASSICS OF THE COUNTER. “My pear Mr. Puncn, ** Chrysanthemum Cottage, Friday. * As CuaRuzs has always taken in your in¢eresting paper, and we regularly read every single word of it, of course I saw your article the other day upon Shop-Slang, which I really thought most capital, only I must confess there was a good deal in it that I didn’t understand ; but I’m sure you would have liked to see how CuantEs it, though I don’t think that he need have /axghed at me so m’ not | knowing what a ‘slap-up kicksies builder’ is, and for asking him to tell me the meaning of such words as ‘/rotfer case’ and ‘mawleys. However, he has promised that ‘some time or other, when he nothing better to do’ (now, do you think Sir Cresswett would allow such p ology, implying as it does that Cuar.zs actually thinks he can have something better to do than attend to the behests of me, his lawful wedded wife? because if you do, J think that there’s no use in the Divorce Court!) Cuarzzs, I say, has promised to instruct me in thieves’ Latin, in which he says the words that puzzled me are written, and to help me to translate it into proper ladies’ English. ** But what I wanted to say was (and as1’m a constant reader please to let me say it publicly, for I do so long to see myself in erent that | there’s a most enormous deal of slang talked in the shops, besides what you have shown to be occasionally written there. { declare I never go into a dressmaker’s or draper’s without hearing an émmense lot of low vulgar slangy phrases; and as for hairdressers, [’m sure it’s positively dreadful what Jad language they use, inquiring as they do whether one would like to ‘ave the pints just taken horf,’ and telling their assistants to ‘go and eat them hirons.’ But this is merely mis- pronouncing, more actual slang, and after all is not so odious and Offensive in my ears as the ‘any other harticle’ of the obsequious sho’ and the thousand other vulgarisms which equally are current. One rarely hears the word ‘thing’ nowadays in shops, unless indeed it have an adjective before it. A ‘sweet thing in muslins, Mem,’ is no uncommon phrase, but generally speaking the word used is always “harticle. Then, as your Correspondent, Mr. Haset, justly noticed, nowadays a shop is never called a shop. The young men in it always term it their ‘establishment.’ ‘Emporium’ and ‘mart’ are also synonyms in vogue, but are not used in speaking so much as in advertisements. “This fashion of declining to call a spade a spade, or to term a business by any briefer phrase than ‘commercial undertaking,’ has run riot in a number of ridiculous respects, whereof the slang words in shop-Latin are some of the most ludicrous. Do you think a shirt sells better because christened an ‘Eureka,’ or are boots more bought if advertised as being ‘Antigropelos?’ I wonder how many men who purchase an ‘ aquascutum’ overcoat are tempted so to do because of the queer name of it, or have the least notion what that queer name really means, As for myself, of course a /ady is not expected to know Latin, and I remember when Cuaruxs took me to see the Westminster Play, and I asked what made him laugh so, he shook his head and put his finger to his lips, and whispered something about ancient jokes not being meant for ladies, and I heard him tell old Tomxnys what a good thing it was women didn’t understand the classics. So of course whenever now I see a long hard Latin word, and CuaRues seems puzzled to translate it for me, I can’t help fancying it means something dreadfully im, ._ There, the other day I showed him an advertise- ment I saw of an ‘Idrotobolic’ hat which some rare genius had in- vented ; and as he seemed to Aesi¢ate in saying that it merely meant a nice light sort of hat that wouldn’t give a headache, of course I naturally suspected it meant nothing of the kind, and of course I shan’t rest satisfied until I find out what it does mean. k Now, maybe words like these are well enough for men (though I'll bet a pair of gloves that not a quarter of you scholars really under- stand them) ; but it really is too bad that we poor women should be bothéred with them, just as if we hadn’t enough other things to worry us, and I’m sure that what with bad‘cooks, shirt-buttons, and bachelor acquaintances, who are always certain to drop in upon cold mutton days, the life of a young ‘ Missus,’ as one’s called, is full of troubles, and the state is much more of a bed of thorns than roses. “T have plenty more to say about the classics of the counter, for I’ve no patience with the and haven’t yet Aaif done with their ridiculous absurdities; but Cuantzs has just sent up to say the dioropha’s at the door, and we are going to the Pantechaicon to look at some Kamptulicon, and after that he wants to get himself a new bit of rypophagon, because now the frost is over he has begun to shave again; and then I mean to make him come and buy mea eupeplon, for really my old mantle is too shabby to be seen in; and if we ’ve time Mamma has asked me to procure some emmenathoon, as the last hair dye she tried only made her grey hairs green ones, and she also wants to know the price of a new saucepan which she recently saw advertised, with the name, if I can spell it, of anheidrohepseterion, and CHanizs declares he means to ask whether so classical a cognomen is likely to impart a Grecian flavour to potatoes ! : “So you really must excuse me from writing any more, but believe “ Your most constant reader, * ARABELLA Anaminta Anozgiiva Surrn.” PS. I hear that printing is now done by an enastatic process, Has it ever been applied yet to the art of printing hisses?” me, A FEW SIMPLE REASONS AGAINST SMOKING. (Principally addressed to Sra. Buxsamin Bropm, in answer to his Letter on that abominable practice.) BY THE MOTHER OF A LARGE FAMILY, AND THE WIDOW OF THREE HUSBANDS, WHO ALL SMOKED. 1. Brcause it injures the curtains, — 2. Because it is injurious to the furniture a 3. Because it is not ble to breakfast in the room when the gentlemen have ing overnight. % : 4, Because no man’s temper is the better for it the next morning. 5. Because it keeps persons up to late hours, when every respectable person ought to be in bed. é 6. Because the smell haunts a man’s clothes, and his beard, and his hair, and his whiskers, and his whole body, for days afterwards—so much so that it is positively uncomfortable sometimes to go near him. . Because it is a selfish gratification that not only injures those who partake of it, but has the further effect of driving the ladies out of the room. : _ 8. Because it is, om an expensive habit which the ladies, not par- ticipating in its so-called enjoyments, cannot possibly have the smallest sympathy with or appreciation for. : i 9. Because it has the further effect of making gentlemen drink a eat deal more than they otherwise would, and so weakens their purses esides ruining their constitutions, to say nothing of the many comforts and new dresses that their dear wives and children may have been un- justly deprived of, supposing the same amount of money had only en judiciously laid out at home. 10. Because it gives extra trouble to the servants who have to clean and to ventilate the room the next morning. 11. Because how are one’s daughters to get married, if the gentlemen = always locked up in a separate room paying court to their filthy pipes and cigars ? 12. Tecune it unfits 2 young man, who is wedded to it, for the refining influences of female society. fg : 13. Because it puts a stop to music, singing, flirting, and all rational | enjoyment. ; f 4. Because it is a custom originally imported from the savages. 15. Because we see the nations that smoke the most are mostly the stupidest, vente tb yes dreariest, dreamiest, most senseless, and | worthless beings that encumber—like so many weeds, only capable of emitting so much smoke—the fece of the earth. : 16. Because when a man says he is going out to smoke a cigar, | there’s no knowing what mischief he is bent upon, or the harm the | monster may be likely to get into. p _ 17. Because it is not allowed in the Palace, or Windsor Castle, or in any respectable establishment. _ 18. Because the majority of husbands only do it because they know it is offensive to their wives. And a thousand other good reasons, if one only had the patience to enumerate them all, Pray did Apam smoke ? Punch’s Essence of French Chambers. “ Dance, you dogs, to my fiddle-de-dee, And thank your stars for a Prince like me.” Slightly altered from Mn, Piancué.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FeprvuarY 16, 1861. i iu | : 4 é | } ¢ La | J S | ¥ rag IRISH HOUSEKEEPING. BacueEtor. ‘‘ Mary, I should like that piece of Bacon I left at dinner yesterday.” Shure I took it to loight the fhoires !” Trish Servant, ‘‘ Js it the bit o Bhacon thin? Z (Figem~. \ y ¢> \i '¢ ™ PUNCH IN HIS GLORY. From the account of the State Procession in which Ma “A carri drawn. by six piebald horses, contain Mr. Poncn,.” The next time Mr. Punch to ~s at the Pe i g of Par ment he means to have his carriage drawn by a spotted team, of which he hopes the Court Newsman will take proper notice, and not treat. his equi in the Royal train as though it had been conspicuous by its absence, , ’ ’ goes rlia- A New Source of Inspiration. _ Kixe Tawarres was explain- ing to an incurable gambler that there were two principal lines of sewers,—the h-level sewer, and the low-level sewer,—when our enthusiastic slave of the green baize violently exclaimed, “By Jove! the Deuce is the Main!” “PAIR IS FOUL.” aX Comnans Fan -consitacing e abuse one ge gets (more especially if he isa | and Cab- man) when one pays him nothing. more than the proper fare. A Fring_at a Foorisa Fasnron. -If ladies will wear hoops, they necessarily make themselves butts. PARLIAMENTARY ENTERTAINMENTS. In addition to the banquets of Lonps Patmerston and GRANVILLE, and of the leaders of the Opposition, on the Opening of the Session, several entertainments on a minor scale a eee which somehow have escaped being noticed by the press. We have therefore been requested to supply the following details, with which we have been furnished through a most authentic source :— Viscount WILLIAMs gave a grand tea and turn-out at his residence, to which the chief of his Constituents had the honour of receiving cards. The repast, we understand, was of a strictly frugal character ; as being in accordance with those economic principles of which the noble Viscount has long been the acknowledged champion in the House. After the refection, the guests were entertained’ with a long speech from their host, setting forth his views on a variety of matters, and ating, that he would not shrink from upsetting the Government, and himself assuming office as Prime Minister, if Lorn Patmerston persisted in refusing to retrench. ; . Mr. Bricut gave a full dress banquet the same evening, to which the “ardent reformers” in the House were all invited. Covers were laid for some three hundred or more, but, through some mischance or other, the company who assembled did not exceed a dozen. Mr. Ayrton had a dinner-party at his private residence, for the purpose of making a short speech on the occasion, that he might prove whether his tongue was in proper working order. Mr. Ayrton said at starting that he feared so long a rest had made his powers of speech grow rusty, but as the “few remarks” he promised extended over nearly five hours and a half, the fears he entertained were shown to be quite groundless. Mr. Spooner had invited a select circle of friends to renew his yearly promise to make his usual fiery attack . EP Maynooth, when the Grant for it should come before the notice of the House. But it unfortunately happened that the guests whom he invited were all “previously engaged,” and so the worthy Member had to make his speech in the form of a soliloquy, and to supply the “cheers” and “hear! hears!” of an audience himself. Lorp Joun Russex1 entertained a large party at his residence with a description of how he meant to make away with his Reform baby, and how Joun Bricut, he expected, would accuse him of the murder of it. His Lordship said, he hoped the country would aoe him of unnatural desertion, for it was mainly to oblige them he had played the part of Brutus, and sacrificed his child, because he clearly saw the country did not care for it. Mr. Layarp, as in duty bound, gave a splendid banquet to his friend Mr. Punch, in recognition of his services in returning Layarp to a seat in Parliament. We learn, too, that Lorp Cowzy gave a full-dress entertainment at his residence in Paris, to celebrate the opening of the French and English Sessions. The hospitalities were on a more than usually grand scale, covers being laid for no less than three persons. A Strange Coincidence. *T1s Her Masesty’s Army and Navy; *Tis Her Maszsty’s Kingdom; and yet— Of this we may all “take a davy ’— Tis the People’s or “ National Debt!” A CONUNDRUM BETWEEN THE ACTS, Wnuat is the difference between a petty Melodrama at the Adelphi | = ane Ciypr?—The one is Colleen Bawn, and the other CoLtn | istened. The Volunteer Movement. We are requested to state, that there is not the smallest foundation for the rumour which has been circulated lately, even in the highest | circles, that Lorp Jon has accepted the Lieutenant-Colonelcy of | the Six Foot Rifles, Tunes THat SapLy want THE “Joupicious Usk or THE ‘PRUNING- | Kyire.”—Our financial expenditure, standing armies, parliamentary | speeches, and ladies’ dresses. A QUESTION THAT HAS NEVER BEEN ANSWERED YET.— Where ’s | the Police ? ” Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper W: printers, at their Office in Lom Btreet, London.—Sarunpay, February 16, 1861. bura Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park, both in the {Parish of St. Pancras, in’ t in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the CityJof Loudon, and Publishea by them at No. 85, he’ County of — Fleet*Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in the City

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Fesrvary 23, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 75 YANKEE SUBTLETY. Younea Mgr JHAny, What @oI do? do all the Pi; #sxing, gem kno Frienp.. ** Pinessiug / What enthunder’s that?” Youne MeRcHANt Why, when any Feller Owes the Concern Money and wont Pay, I go tnd yake his, or Knock his Darned Old Head off his Shoulde rs * he Why, I attend to the Finesse Department— THE CAMBRIDGE PRIZE POEM. Last Monday was the Anniversary of the birth of Gzorcz Wasuinerton, founder of the Unien which the New York Herald declares to exist no longer. PRINCE Atprrt, as Ohaneellor of the University of Cambridge, has given, as subject for the Prize Poem, The Prince of Wales at the Tomb of Washington,—the incident | of the 5th Ostober last. Puzch does not know whether his young friend, H. R. H. Epwakp, who has just gone to Cambridge, means himself to compete for the prize, | though, as he is likely to know what his emotions upon that occasion were better han anybody else, there seems no reason against his trying his hand. Meantime, | the seleetion of such a subject has given great satisfaction to the Americans, and the Herald says,— 4 move graceful compliment to the United States than is here conveyed by the father of the heir apparent could not have been chosen. It shows that the Royal Family and people of | England look back with feelings of pleasure upon that memorable event in the New World tour of his Royal Highness, and it must be extremely gratifying to ourselves to know that the youth and intellect of our mother country are making it a labour of love to honour and emblazon it in song. And it is to be hoped that under the auspices of Alma Mate; something will be produced worthy of a theme so richly teeming with the poetry of tradition and the gems of history, and wilowing such limitless scope for the glowing pictures of poetical genius.” It is to_be hoped so. We shall see. Mr. Punch has no child at Cambridge, at present; or the prize would be already on view in the window of 85, Fleet Street, for no one would be foolish enough to contend against a son of the House of Punch, The utmost fair play will, therefore, be given. But Mr. Punch hardly knows whether to rejoice or to be sad that the Poet Currer (author of Proverbial Imbecility, &c.), although disqualified from entering the race with younger bards, has stepped forth to show them how the thing ought to be done. It is matter for joy that such a Poem as Currer’s should be given to the world; but on the other hand, its extreme beauty and all but perfection must tend to discourage all other competitors. However, here is an “ early copy,” and perhaps the young Cantabs had better make themselves thoroughly masters of it, before attempting their own verses. They will at least know what they must avoid. ~ VOLUNTEER PRIZE POEM, PRINCE EDWARD OF WALES AT THE TOMB OF WASHINGTON. Auspicious moment. Banish every gloom. No Tears to-day, although I sing a Tomb ; A Tomb on which the honour was conferred Of homage from a child of Gzorcz tux Turap, I call him child, although he’s no such thing, And the great grandson of the Farmer King. A happy omen for Victorta’s son, W begins both Wares and WasuinerToy, And similar may both their courses be, Lovers of all that’s grand and great and free, Yet here I would not be misunderstood, Good are republics, monarchy is good, And truly sorry I should be to plan Schemes for my Prince to turn republican : Ungrateful, surely, were such thought in me Whose works amuse the Royal Family, And in their gilded bindings often lie Where they may catch the Quezn’s or Consort’s eye. | I only mean this golden hope to forge : May Epwarp be as good a man as Georcz! Mount Vernon is the gece to which they brought The Prince to show the honour which he ought, T'was in October that it met his view, And that’s the month in which I always brew, Not that I’d willingly intrude my ales Into a poem on the Prince or WALEs, But playful thoughts gush from the poet’s tongue Like those same liquids when you lift the bung, Drinking and thinking thus suggest the line— That bier is Washington’s and this is mine. What Vernon is, or why it’s called a Mount, I know not, and the fact’s of small account : The name is dear to us, (Columbia’s kith) Who idolise the name of Vernon SmitH ; Then we’ve the Vernon Gallery ; for my part T love that choice collection of fine art, And often wish that it were nearer town— (My Royal Prince and Consort, never frown, I know it’s only thrippence by the bus, And did not mean the least disloyal fuss) I love to sit and rest each weary leg, And gaze on StanFietp, Roperts, Creswick, Ecc, Or stand enchanted in the Vernon room, As stood the Prince before the Vernon Tomb. Upon that scene how oft must he look back, » As rapt he stood beside the Potomac, And heard arising o’er that river’s surge, The music of the Zrovatore dirge, Played on the steamer, which as it appeared From the reports, his Royal hand had steered, Type of the time, O! may the time be late! en he shall steer the vessel of the State. Nobly he spoke, as well beseemed his birth, Then picked horse-chesnuts from the hallowed earth, Intending, as he frankly told the folks, To sow them here, among fair Windsor’s oaks, And let us hope that getting back on board In sport he shied them at no Duke or Lord, But that the trees will spring where, every hour, He’ll see them from the Lancasterian Tower. Here, Muse, break off, and loyal ardour check, Nor sing the dancing on the vessel’s deck, How Alexandria met him with a smile (Not Alexandria, reader, near the Nile), How Washington (the place) with salvoes rang, Bid fly her bunting and her cannon bang, _ And tens of thousands sent up plaudits wild In honour of Vicrorta’s princely child. My strain is o’er, but oh, if I might dare, Mid themes like these to thrust a private prayer, *Twould be that when my Prince next voyages, he Will take, as Travelling Laureat, to VOL, XL, I

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76 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EBRUARY 11, 1861, Mon- day. Lorp CAMPBELL introduced a Bill, which, if it really purpose, may be called a Patent Double-screw Press. It is to con- solidate the Statutes by the repeal of all the obsolete laws. At pre- sent there are Forty Volumes of Laws. \\ Theexpurgated edition Ss will consist of Ten. ‘ We presume that as ~ compressed soup ex- pands from a square like a piece of soap into atureen full of nu- triment, the squeezed laws will grow large enough when lawyers want to be fed, and the victim gets into hot water with the law. i i : Lorp Normansy took the first opportunity of making a goose of himself, pretending to misunderstand a petition against Spanish persecution of Protestants. The Home Secretary does not mean to Reform the City Corporation this year, but does mean to try to do something with the Coal duties. The ery for this Session is therefore, “ Hmancipate the Seuttle.” He wanted a Sm Cuartes Woop made a lucid Speech about Indian finance. loan for India, that is it was not a loan, but he wanted money for India, not exactly for India, but a cash transaction had to be gone through, and it had nothing to do with the expenditure of India, but it was to make good an excess in the expenditure upon India, his was a very trifling difference, though it was by no means an unimportant matter. He should be much ashamed if he did not tell the exact truth, and if the e diture had not been much larger than it had been expected to be a considerable sum less than had been calculated would have been laid out, but then this could not be called Indian expenditure, because the money he expected to receive from India would be absorbed, and it was clear that if there was a deficiency in receipts less money would come into the treasury. For these reasons, and several others queally intelligible, he demanded £3, 000,000, and got it. Sm Ricuarp Berner then introduced the Reform Bill for 1861, the Bill for amending the law of Bankruptcy and Insolvency. As no person who humbly and sincerely studies his Punck, and acts up to his precepts, can ever be in the least danger of bankruptcy or insolvency, or can be anything but prosperous, intelligent, witty, and hepes, there is no prima facie reason for stating the character of this Bill to those who can have no interest in it. But it is due to Mr. Punch’s friend Sr Ricuarp, who has laboured in this cause like a legal Hercules, to mention that the new Bill is a most valuable one, that its merit will be understood by the commercial world at once, and that the uncommercial world may comprehend it on being apprised that at present the lawyers and the system steal always about a third and so half of the property which ought to be divided among the creditors of an unfortunate person. ‘The Insolvent Debtors’ Court is proposed to done away, and there is to be no legal distinction between traders and non- traders, so that the same principle will be applied to Moutpy Sriuton, the little cheesemonger in the Borough, and the Honourable Caprary ALGERNON Mownt- MORENCY FitzstOKENEWINGTON DE YOUNGERSONINVILLE, when either of those —— individuals outrunsthe constable. The details of the bill are admirable, and Sr Ricwarp received plaudits from Whigs, Tories, and Radicals, Mr. Epwin James mentioned that there were bad creditors as well as bad debtors, and that he had been concerned in a case where a gentleman was sued for £25,000, and the any recollection he had of the debt was, that he had “once borrowed £500, of some Jew money-lender.” Mr. TourneER likened the lawyers to cats, and com- mercial folks to mice, and Mr. Rorsvox pleasingly reminded him that mice were vermin. If any portion of the new Bill gives the cats too much power, we hope Si Ricwarp will cut the clanse. Altogether, this was a satisfactory night’s ‘| work. Later in the week the Bill was read a second time, that it might go at once into committee, and upon this occasion several Members raised objections to it, which were met by the information, accorded by the author, that the objectors really did not understand the measure they were assailing. Mr. CaRDWELL introduced a Bill for a Registration of Births, Marriages, and Deaths, in Ireland, and this was objected to by Mr. Soutty, who said that it was contrary to the iaw for Catholic priests to marry a Catholic to a Protestant, unless the marriage had previously been solemnised according to Protestant rites, that the priests were always breaking this law, and would, he hoped, continue to do so, and therefore could not be expected to register the fact that they were criminals, The calm impudence of this plea amused the House. But Mr. Punch would like to see the removal of ey obstacle in the way of such mixed marriages, as the benefit conferred on a Catholic by being united to a Protestant is almost incalculable—missionaryism never takes a prettier form than in matrimony, and we answers its professed | have known many a Catholic husband cured of supersti- tion by his ene | wife’s Jaughingly presenting him a bottle of Macassar, and, with a kiss, telling him it was for extreme unction, while many a young Catholic lady has learned to laugh at Confession from her husband’s insisting on con- fessing to her, every day, rj that she was very much pleased to hear. The more of such marriages the better. Tuesday. The Lords read a Bill for preventing the for- gery of trade-marks. I tricks which Commerce does not disdain, but to which com- mercial men, who find their good names affixed to bad ware object very strongly. THroporE BoNnGAULTIER has told us how the Augur was emboldened to tell Kine Tarquin to eut through the hone with his razor. “ So the Augur sacked the tin of Tarquin, Who suspected some celestial aid, But he wronged the blamless Gods, for, hearken, Ere the wily parson’s bet was laid That priest’s keen eye Did there espy f The name of Turton graven on the blade.” But suppose the blade had been a bad one, on which the name of the celebrated Sheffield house had been fraudu- lently stamped by a rogue. What would have become of the Augur then? The House of Lords, in which there are both Augurs and Bores, probably thought of this, and re- ceived the Bill hospitably. Loxp Lerrrim made a com- plaint on behalf of 2079 Protestants of Leitrim against the favours shown to Ribbonmen in that district, and Lorp GRANVILLE laughed at rename best and certainly the easiest way of dealing with Irish complaints. Lorp JouN RvssELt answered questions on some American matters, and explained that Mexico was in a mess, that the San Juan ir was 42 statu quo, and that ANDERSON, the eseaped negro, would not be given up to the slave-owners without orders from England. These Lorp Patmerston had previously intimated were not likely to be sent, Question was raised touching the refusal of a Judge to take the evidence of a foolish woman who came into a court of justice and denied her belief in a Deity and a Future. Sm Joun Tretawny, the anti- Church-Rate leader, seemed to think that the woman had been ill-treated, but Sm Grorce Lewis thought the reverse. Mr, Punch dislikes the whole oath system, and would restrict it to cases where life, death, or woman’s character is at stake; but if it is to be put in action about trumpery matters, as in this instance, where spiteful rela- tions were squabbling about a pianoforte, it is difficult to say that the Judge was wrong. Sweep away all unne- cessary oaths, and annex the punishment of perjury to a lie spoken in Court. 5 : Mr. Contrer produced ‘a little Reform Bill, for pro- hibiting the payment of the expenses of conveying voters to the poll in boroughs. Sm G. Lewis let him bring it in, but made no promise not to squelch it, later. Mz. Wurtz, late of Plymouth, who is.so fond of making poises in the House that his incessant “hear, hear,” is called Plymouth Sound, moved for some ridiculous returns, which would cost no end of money for printing what is in a dozen books already. Sir G. Lewis would not have this sort of thing at any price, and Waits, being stubborn, was floored by 112 to 59. This, Mr, Punch presumes, is the first specimen of the way “my dear Mr. Cravrurp ” and his friends pro- pose to reduce the national expenditure. Mr. Husparp brought in a Church-Rate Bill, for exempting any person from the rate who would declare himself a Dissenter, but Mr. Hapriexp abused him for demanding such a “con- cession.” Mr. Darsy Grirviti said, that the Bill was opposed by sectarian fanaticism on one side and toady bigotry on the other, which was neat if not polite. Wednesday. Only five-and-twenty minutes of Parliament —the only minute Mr. Punch need make. Thursday. Both Houses gave thanks to the Forces, In the pay of Vicrorta Reeina, (Mr. Punch the thanksgiving endorses) For their gallant behaviour in China. The speeches were very good, of course, and perhaps Mr. Disrantt put the matter as shortly and strongly as it can be put, in saying that “a handful of men, not amounting in number to more than those who followed [Fepruary 23, 1861. | This operation is one of the little | | } | } | | EL ELE SL

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‘ | | | | mass of dens and dinginesses between the Strand and Carey Street, | | | } | stated, that these fellows are better fed than the soldiers who were | called in to put them down, the riot has done good by bringing that ; aid putting all the Law Courts there. | reignty called Monaco—emphasis, Wiscount, on the first syllable—and Fssruary 23, 1861.) XznopHow, had waged a successful war in the remotest part of the globe, and dictated terms of peace in the ancient capital of a nation who number more than one-third of the whole population of the world.” Viscount Wiit1aMs applauded, but wished to know who XznorHoN was, on which Mr. WuitE very properly reproved his ignorance, and told him that XzNoPHON was an eminent Roman warrior who retreated ten thousand times. This Xenophonetic news was satis- | factory to the Viscount. The Marquis or Baru made a much more ridiculous speech, objetting to the lesson which had been read to Chin by the light of the flames of the Summer Palace, and Mz. Scu.iy took the same line, which record may suffice to indicate the nature of the dissentients’ addresses, and their fatuity. ; so The Souicrtor-GayERaL brought in Seven Bills for Consolidating the Criminal Law. They were respectfully received by the House, and | Mr. M‘Manow regretted that similar measures were not offered to Treland and Scotland. And as Mr. Punch likes to make things pleasant when he can, he invites the attention of his Scottish friends to this | able Irish gentleman’s Statement, that “the criminal law of Scotland is as bar as that of Italy—Scotland has no Habeas Corpus, and | a Scotsman may be hung by the odd man in a jury of fifteen.” Eh, | sirs, but that’s just awfu’. ; The last idew of the two Evil Boroughs of Sudbury and Saint Alban, | that they hdd only been in purgatory all this time, was extinguished by | d Sir Gzore® Lewis. He proposed to assign to new constituencies the | Four Members of whom the House has been deprived, since 1844 and | 1852, by the disfranchisement of those corrupt places. He offers one seat to the West Riding of Yorkshire, one to South Lancashire, one to Birkenhead, and one to a new district to be composed of the united | parishes of Chelsea and Kensington. Of course no distribution could | lease everybody, and Mr. Ayrton was especially abusive, calling | Eas JoHN RusseLt a Ridiculous Mouse, and accusing the Govern. | ment of being humbugs. Patmenrston said that he was not frightened, and supposed that Ayrton (of the Tower Hamlets) had flown into a rage because the House had audibly protested against receiving any | more of the articles called Metropolitan Members. He flien gave a| huge scolding to the pretended Reformers who had done everything to | hinder the Reform Bull of Jast year, and now assailed Governmeit for | not introducing another. The Four Seats will probably be allotted as proposed, after a few performances of Le Diadle a Quatre. Friday, Lory Normansy took the second opportunity of making a goose of himself, about Italian affairs. made a variety of objections to the new plan for sweeping away the It may be an open question | whether the taking away a den of thieves and substituting a colony of lawyers is a change of so much magnitude as to be called a boon to the PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 7 THE VENGEANCE OF MUSIC. Pxorte should be careful. We‘have just been reminded in print that BezTHoven, a composer of music, flew into such a rage on hearing that the First Napongon had declared himself Emperor, that the Knraged Musician proceeded to the awful extremity of tearing off a leaf on which he had dedicated some symphony or other to BonaPaRtE, and sputtering something in German to the effect that “He was as bad as the rest of ’em.” This fearful act is known to have driven the new Emperor into a dreadful state of mind, and all his subsequent tremendous efforts, and his final subj ion by the armies of Europe are stipposed to have been the result of his desire to recover the repu- tation destroyed by the Enragéd Musician. We regret to record a similar act which has just occurred in Lambeth. Mr. Anion Bos- SHAW, second fiddle at the Eaterpeon Music Saloon, had inscribed his last polka (written for the Clown, in Crinoline, in the grand Christmas Pantomime at the above establishment) to é R. Writiam WILLIAMs, M.P. But learning from the of Punch that Mx. WrLtiaMs was intriguing to be made 4 Viscount, a t, Boss aw, in imitation of BeeTHoven, | tore off the MS. title-page of ika, declaring, “I’m blessed if he | ain’t a Haristocrat, after all.” On ingui i» . WILLIAMs’s resi- enee, we learn that up fo five o'clock this day he was as tranquil and unambitious as could be expected, buf who knows what may | happen? The wound may ranklé in a Witiiams as in a Napo.eon. | What if the Viscount should opea his bed-room widow some morning | while brushing his teeth, ate jai England a Republic? Music | should make its professors mil and more modesf. Lorp 8. Lzonarn’s then} | / | Metropolis; but inasmuch as clean streets and fresh air will come in | (M4 the place of dirty alleys and miasma, Lorp St. Leonarn’s should not | 4 oppose the reform. Camppett and CranwortH both assured him| / that he was wrong. Mr. Cowrer has a Bill in preparation for making the proposed sweep. Something was said about the [Convict riots at Chatham, but Sre Grorce Lewis did not seem to know much more about it than we had read in the papers; namely, that a large number of scoundrels had been very outrageous, and had been soundly flogged. If it be true, as disgraceful fact before the public. The Elected of the Millions has lately been annexing a little sove- Lorp Joun Russeit explained that the said Elected, having removed any possible Sardinian objection to the arrangement, by taking Nice and Savoy, had clearly and logically a right to take Monaco, if he liked —and he did like. The next time Lorn Joun is coming out of Covent Garden Theatre, and a pickpocket happens to amex his opera-glass, we are sure the Foreign Minister will politely hand to the prig the lorgnette-case, as that should follow the glass, and can be of no use to the owner without it. _Finally, Mr. Scutty explained that he had made, on the previous night, a statement about the Summer Palace, and, having, afterwards, (Irish fashion) looked up the facts of the case, he found he was wrong. This was a noble amende, and it ought to be recorded. In fact, we think Mr. Scunuy ought to have a banquet given him in the St. James’s Hall, or some such place, in honour of a public man’s not being ashamed to own to a mistake. If the tickets are not too dear Mr. Punch (who never has a mistake to own to) will take a couple, and bring Pam. Singular Instance of Misdirection on the Part of a Learned Judge. Ir was quite accidentally that Baxow Bramwet, writing to a friend who was staying at the Sabloniére, Leicester Square, used, instead of the addendum, West Central, the following “ (E.C.) Ici on parle Frangais,” THE OLD AND NEW WORLD CHANGING PLACES. Tue United States are fast becoming Disunited, and Italy, that for | centuries has been disunited, is rapidly growing United. Let us hope | that Italy, not following the mad example of America, will, when she | is One, never think again of falling to. Columbia will soon have to | hand over to Italia her motto of “ Z Pluribus Unum,’ for if the Union is cracking in all directions, it is clear that it must soon abandon | all pretensions to being one united country. It had better write on | its flags (we suppose there will be a white and a black flag now?) | “ Divide, et Impera.” They must be careful, however, not to make of the latter “‘ Imperance,” though we are well aware that that is about | the last thing that a Yankee, when he is bragging about his country, | ever thinks of displaying. The Genius of Religion. Genius (says Mapame pz Sra&t) has no sex. Religion, also, (says MonsrzuR DE PoLICHINELLE) would be all the | better if, like Genius, it had no sects.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Fannuanr 23, 1661. / ¥ | 2 1 "f Frederick (who, we are sorry to say, is rather fond of chafing his Brother-in-Law.) “On! Look HERE, ROBERT, WILL YOU HAVE THIS WITH YOU IN THE CARRIAGE, OR SHALL I put IT INTO THE Van?” | ' | A BEGG-AR’S PETITION. WE are glad to hear that Glasgow has some thoughts of backsliding in its Sabbatarian Progress, and is preparing a Police Bill by which some necessaries of life, which have been hitherto prohibited, in future will be suffered to be sold upona Sunday. Ready-made provisions, bread, and milk, and medicine ; the the sole articles to which the suffrance is extended, and it will be hat the sale of them be stopped between the hours of 10 a.m. the afternoon. P his is, after all, no such wonderful C@hcession. But trifling as it may be, great objections lave been made to it. A leading Free Kirk Doctor, whose name is Dr. Brae, has given notice of a motion in the Edinburgh Presbytery for a petition against the Sunday sale of food and physic, which is sought to be obtained. A Scotch contemporary reports of him that— “In giving notice of his motion, Doctor Bece said that the evil[i. e. of buying necessary food] was increasing to an alarming extent in Glasgow. He was glad to learn that the Sabbath Alliance in Edinburgh were taking action on the subject, and had appointed a secretary, and he hoped something would be done to call attention to the matter.” Certainly, Dz. Bece. Since you beg us so to do, we willingly will call attention to the matter. We may not do so in .a manner that you would yourself approve, for it is not our custom to write like canting hypocrites, and to— “‘ Compound for sins we feel inclined to, By damning those we have no mind to.” But such as it is, you are quite welcome to our notice of the subject. By the bye, Doctor, were not you the pious party who not long since inveighed against the heinous “Sin of walking on the Sabbath,” and petitioned that the crime might be put down by the police? If so, we can conceive, without much stretch of fancy, that you should look upon milk-selling on the Sunday asasin. A mind that thinks it sinful to go and take a walk, of course must see offence in the business of a ilk-walk. Nor, if buying needful food upon a Sunday be an “evil,” can there be much less ill in buying necessary physic. Better lose your health than your, chances of salvation. Better suffer in the flesh than run the slightest risk of torment in the spirit. Better have sick | bodies than have sickness in our souls. Yes, assuredly, dear Doctor; | we quite agree to that. But before you hope to make us converts to | your faith, you must thoroughly convince us that buying food and physic upon Sundays is forbidden us, in the pages of that Book wherein our duties are described. If we are not mistaken, there are many men in Scotland of Dr. | Bece’s persuasion, who call Sunday “ the Sabbath,” and think sinful all out-door employment on that day. Now, why, instead of troubling the police with their petitions, could they not themselves in person | start an anti-food-and-physic-purchasing crusade, and do what they | think needful to pene Sunday trading. Whatever be the case with other purchaseable condiments, the sale of milk would specially be easy to be checked. Were Dr. Beco and some few score of his ascetic brethren to patrol the streets of Glasgow in gangs upon a Sunday, we | feel chemically certain, that without police assistance, the mere sight of | their sour faces would suffice to spoil the milk. SLAVERY AND MORMONISM. ** Tue Patriarchs of old had slaves,” The Planter cries, “‘’Tis written. Fact being so my conscience saves, Which therefore can’t be smitten.” ** The Patriarchs,” says BrigHamM YouNG, ** Wives besides one had other. My withers likewise are unwrung— Come to my arms, my brother ! ” A Daily Interview at the Paris Embassy. Chef de Cuisine. Milord, what is the carte for the dinner of to-day ? Have you any preference ? f His Liberal Lordship, Ma foi, the same as before—carte blanche. Vous savez bien, je ne vous donne invariablement rien que ¢a.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Fesrvary 23, 1861. ANA ——~ =a rae ™ NY POT OF PR, tk — “Peo Cos ee Se | \ ve q — SAVINGS B ze er aN EINE a ‘ he: | KI Wb Er os ae a: | 64 889 wt @t— Bn ee & -t & £3 -5 Gee

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Fusruary 23, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE ENTRANCES. THERE were two Kings where of Italy’s boot, The foot the leg is tacked to, The one he was a de jure King, The other a King de facto, Without taking count of Kise Vioror, That blade so.cool and keen, oh— GaRIBALDI was this de facto King, de jure was BoMBALINO. Kuse Garreaxpr to never a crown Or royal robe was born, He marched to his throne in an old red shirt, And a pair of trousers torn. No riest at his coronation stood, *T wixt him and the Power above, ay one tre was a sharp steel sword, chrism was the people’s love. In pi of rickety steamers he faced eet that scoured the sea, And landed with one thousand men, *Gainst thousands thirty-three. Kine Bompatrno was palace-born And swaddled in purple and gold ; There were bishops to bless him ——, to dress him, And a queen his papspoon to hold :¥ And when Kixe Bo the Pious, Was numbered with the dead, And Bompatino by right divine, Reigned in his father’s stead, Hig was as eckenply crowned and sceptred and oiled, wf the Cardinals duly sppciste And joy-bells were Te Deums were sung, Round the throne o' the Lorde anginte Hard by that throne, you might hear the groan, Of those that lay in chains, In Little-Ease, o> i the sea-damps freeze, Or the sun-seorch boils the braizs. But stifled still,—for groans too shrill Or tongues that dare to wag, a There was Carara’s silence-cay, And Manisca1co’s gag So Liberty’s pein with fh fetter and lack om the people’s heart he » And where Kine Bompa ‘soumiped with whips, BomsBatino with scorpions stonrges. Or his shirt f valled Lup to ans sos, And his han mfit, He was moulding the HT ferintix ig the wicks, Ata New York c 8 vai— Or planting early potat foros fg Ape seaiite while, Where sheer to the dea deep rans this | — stee Of Caprera’s little § re So enter our Kings Sicily’s stage— Be topian a The one he hath a comp The other two ae ee This leads a rabble & o onsand That, Strongly Becogment ‘ (By @ r Tui f (oman eT ee TWO ENTRANCES AND TWO €EXITs. THE EXIgs. I see a crowd acclaiming loud, In Naples’ sunlit ieie Not women alone, but: men of look ani Their throats rain blessings, eit hands rain flowers, niteeah tr: eee crowd about a gorn m In ated shirt, the wore é Ter ap clasp his i ands, they cat they "they cltob his Knees, their babes that he Tha ring thes in may ay And this is the man thet @ few months since, Marsala At dared a landing. Inithe face of odds that had never been faced By aman of the least Unseathed by sword, untouched by at, As if o’er life a charm is, Kine Bomsarino’s navies are-his, And Kine Bomsatino’s armies! And now his foot’s on the base of a thxone, his hand is on a And behold he takes his hand away, And from that throne steps down. And simple and shabby as ‘the on, So shabby and simple goes to Caprera’s ca And early P saieinae No pom and state on mo exit = . Es fat hep. wer can buy, e love a in every heart And » 8 isle, And his old felt bat to wear! I see a rock-based fortress tg With batteries girdled roun: = 8 a sulphurous reek in te stifling air, And comes strew the ground. The run blood, te. the trampled mud, Crush’d gabion and rent fascine, Where the cannons lour ap the apg Ad host Ligh ser the seeat h.o’er . The rack of the fi i erent Uns roar Is Sew with the fall of wall, Or bastion prostrate laid, For months and months the leagured town, in want and woe— And mutiny folds stubborn arms, or gives back blow for blow; And so perforoe he strikes the flag and theoveh th the eae and through the wreek, His S70 ian at his s ide, Licensep Wirriers.—The Yankees. |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Fesruary 23, 1861. FROZEN OUT LAWYERS. IND gentlemen, have you ere a Six-and-Eightpence to bestow on a poor half-starved client- less solicitor, for I’ve a wife at home, kind gentlemen, and half a dozen children, and my eldest boy’s at Eton, and if business keeps so slack, I shan’t be able to afford to complete his education, to say nothing of es! daughters who are being _ taught at home, and who every HMR || — are costing more for crino- Hs \||| line and schooling, and there’s i ii INK, my wife, kind gentlemen, she 3 yi 4 1 a vows I haven’t given her a new 3 NW Uy bonnet these six weeks, and #/ she says my cheques for house- kee ing have been so few and far between that she has more than once been forced to use her pinmoney for puddings, and she declares it’s only stingmess that makes me keep her short of money, and she protests she’s not been taken to the theatre these three months, and if I wasn’t a solicitor she’d summon me for cruelty, but she says she knows Sir Cress- WELL wouldn’t hurt a brother lawyer, and so of course there’s no good in her trying the Divorce Court, and here’s my brother-in-law, kind gentlemen, a clever rising junior nearly sixty years of age, who hasn’t pocketed so much as a half- guinea fee since Michaelmas, and whatever will become of us is more than I can tell, for the , Courts are frozen up, and so wh wh faiden : sipeaen, tha used to flow into our pockets, and in . gentlemen, * We’ve got no work to do-0-0-0-0, We’ve got no work to do-o-o! We lawyers now in Chancery Have got no work to do!” Such, we may expect, will be the by in Bedfor wand Chancery ers with empty blue ba; -starved cler eae appeal addressed to passers- C ane by gangs of hungry-looking bags in their hands, and may be a troop of rks and children at their heels. This at least we gather from the following sad statement, which was put forth the other morn- ing by the Master of the Rolls :— “ Sate or Business IN THE Equity Courts.—His Honour said that he thought it was proper that he should inform the gentlemen at the bar that he had taken some to ascertain the state of his paper, and he believed that, beyond the causes set down in that day’s paper, there were only nine that were ripe for hearing : nor did he see any prospect of the Court being fully employed during the remainder of the sittings, although hitherto this had been the most laborious portion of the year. The state of the cause list of the Vice-Chancellors was such that there was no more business before them than they could dispose of; and he therefore could not properly ask for any transfer of causes. He thought it was desirable to make communication as soon as he became acquainted with the state of business. It was certainly the first time that this had happened since he had had the honour of Sompring the present seat. It would be more agreeable to himself and to the bar to be y employed during the present sittings. The fact that one of the courts hdd not sufficient business to keep it in motion denoted the wholesome state of the Court of Chancery.” Yes, certainly, it must be “more agreeable” to the spiders to find their webs full of fat blue-bottles, and themselves “fully employed ” with the labour of devouring them, But we fancy had the blue-bottles a voice in the matter, they would sing out O be joyful! to see the webs so empty, and the spiders’ occupation so ‘very nearly gone. On the whole we think the public won’t be sorry to discover that the Chancery a are so sadly unemployed. Knowing upon whom it is the egal spiders batten, the flies can’t but regard it as a “wholesome state” of things when their devourers find some difficulty in blowing their blue bags out. A CoMPANY THAT REALLY SHOULD BE “ Limitep.”—A Company of Crinolines. With not the slightest additional “‘ power to add to their number, or extent.” THE DEFENCE OF AGAR TOWN. THE noble sentiment of patriotism may inflame the inhabitants of a district as vehemently as those of a country at large, and combustible hearts may burn as ardently with zeal for local as for national honour. Mr. Watson, who was stated to be a publican, was, on bhp | night last week, unanimously voted into the chair of a meeting whic | took ay at the Talbot Arms, in Cambridge Street, Agar Town, con- vened to consider what steps should be taken to resent an unfavour- | able description of that suburb, which lately appeared in the Post. | Our fashionable contemporary’s topography of Agar Town contained | several statements which tremendously excited the disinterested indig- | nation of the public-spirited inhabitants. For example :— “The CuarrMAN said the first statement in the precious article he wished to | notice was, that St. Giles-in-the-Fields had been removed to Agar Town—the clearing of human rats from one district to another. (Zaughter.) He did not think | they deserved that term. This libeller and traducer had no right to call them | human rats. (Cheers.)” | Certainly not. He had no right to call them rats, and when Mr. Watson said he did not think they deserved that term, of course | he did not mean to imply the admission, that whether they deserved | it or not might be ‘matter of opinion, like the dirt or cleanliness | of Agar Town; he meant to signify, with modest irony, that he rather | flattered himself that the Agar Townsmen were considerably the | reverse of creatures that dwell in filthy places. : aM Then the traducer of Agar Town had inaccurately asserted, that it | had been paved by the Ecclesiastical Commissioners. This inexactitude seems to have enraged the sensitive Mr. Watson as much as though the writer had alleged Mr. Watson himself to have received parochial relief. He declared that— | ** Tt was a palpable falsehood to say that the town was paved by the Ecclesiastical | Commissioners, because they did all they could to prevent the parish doing it, on the ground of its being an illegal encroachment on private property. This precious article in the Morning Post, which circulated among the higher classes and clergy of | England, therefore told a deliberate lie, (Cheers.)” | Having thus rectified a misstatement in strong language, the eloquent | Chairman of this select but impassioned ory Bee read another | extract from the objectionable article, which had outraged their | tenderest feelings :— , | ‘‘ The inhabitants of this district are chiefly poor labourers and the poorest claS$ of costermongers, or men, as they are called, ‘who follow the markets.’ Th® women, if not laundresses, of which there area great number, are nothing at all and a ‘ Mother's Society’ strives hard to teach them the commonest home duties. | It is doubtful if they know how to cook the simplest eatable, or wash a child, and | the public soup-kitchen finds full employment in making up for their domestic | short-comings,” — demanded Mr. Watson, with a sense of insulted man” ood: ‘*Now, how did they like to hear their wives, sisters, daughters, and mothers | spoken ofin that manner? A greater disgrace could not be thrown on the women | of the neighbourhood, and it was a direct libel.” _ The Rev. R. P. Cigmencer, the clergyman of the parish, follow- | ing the Chairman, entered into a defence of his conduct in the matter, | which he proved simply so have consisted in showing the correspondent of the Post round the place, and thus enabling him to make that sketch | - it which the inhabitants complained of as being not a flattering | ikeness. Mr. Nopgs, a vestryman of St. Pancras, then spoke. He said he | was the landlord of twenty houses in Agar Town. Dignus vindice | Nopus. Mr. Nopss vindicated his own position in a manner worthy | of himself and the fine and flourishing town in whose prosperity he has | so large a stake. | An eloquent oration was next delivered by a Mr. SterHenson, “the | proprietor of a laundry business,” who moved a resolution contradictory | of the statements in the Posé article. The commencement may suffice | to indicate the style, which will be recognised as characteristic :— | “« Gentlemen all, I have been 16 or 17 years in Agar Town, and I believe I have | held up myself, and my wife, and my children, with the best integrity which they | could be held up in the working classes. I af } ve you to understand, gentlemen, I am not a gentleman, but a working man, although I hold a certain establishment, | which I have brought up to a great extent by my own and my wife’s industry.”’ Several other passages, however, are gems also. As this :— «¢ There is a certain house in King’s Square, Bayswater, which I does for. Well, when they saw this article, they remarked on it, and I asked them to come and see my place. In a short time I received a party from that family, and they were greatly deceived by the investigation of my premises. (Loud cheers.)” **Undeceived,” perhaps Mr. SrePHENnson meant, although, of course, he said “‘ deceived.” The reporter, however, is probably incorrect in making him say—-“‘ When they fsaw” this article.” For “saw,” we suspect we should read “see.” ** When they see this article, &c.” Admire, too, the following homely utterance of reproachful pathos :— ** I did feel it to my heart when a gentleman stated in the public press that a mother here has not the knowledge to jwash her children’s clothes.” The domestic feelings of the speaker were evidently wounded, as well as the interests which he had in what he called “ our pretty little ! | } \ ] j ; }

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Fesrvary 23, 1861.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 83 Ww aatetes of the liquor on his d town.” And doubtless a pretty town itis. But it was requisite that sentiment should be succeeded by facetiousness ; so— «* Mr. Barnes seconded the resolution. He thought, as a young man working in the town, what his friends at a distance would say when they read the article in the Morning Post. His mother, in going to bed, would say to his father, ‘Oh, my son is in that dog-kennel! Oh, that I had wings that I could fiy to him!’ and his father would reply he was. Now, it was very hard on him, who tried to please his parents, that this scandal should be uttered. He did intend to have said more, but as the time was so short, he would out it for the night.” When Mr. Barnes, who is clearly a good and funny but not an intelligible young man, had cut it, Mr. EpMonps moved a resolution reflecting on the Rev. Mz. Cizmencer for not having taken steps to repudiate the imputations that had been cast on Agar Town, and to vindicate the character of his parishioners :— “* He said, in addressing himself to the resolution, you can’t expect much from costermongers or rats, because you know they have not received a first-class edu- cation (laughter); but, I ask, why didn’t Mr. CLEmENncER send a contradiction when he first saw the article? Ido notgay he is the author, but he took the individual round the neighbourhood. We all here belong to the class costermonger or rats. I’m a very fat one (laughter), but I’d like to bite more if I could.” A Mz. Murer, another costermonger, then made a speech in the same strain as that of the proseding ; a strain of very peculiar humour. The conclusion of it is all that need be quoted :— “« Gentlemen, a costermonger is. a man, not a rat, and I never heard of a rat that lived on blansh-mange. (Roars of laughter.)” “Blansh-mange” will probably be deemed conclusive as to the cha- racter of the speech, and the peculiarity of the humour with which it as well as that of the other costermonger was imbued. That humour was un- mistakeably a humour which may be called dry, but is ind a manifestation of copious moisture. We should like to much beer the two costermongers had had, and indeed what quantity had been or po A by rest of the speakers, all except the clergy- tor ® y taken too little, in order that he might spend poor parishioners. The resolution con- of that Reverend Gentleman having been carried, thanks were voted to the Chairman, and the meeting, like the facetious young man who talked nonsense, “cut it.” How many were there among them of the wretched classes inhabiting that considerable portion of Agar Town which, the settlement as a whole may be “a pretty little town,” undoub deserves to he denominated the Slums OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. VALENTING N Thursday last, dear Punch, | I visited Old Drury. If we may believe the news- papers (I hope the writers in them kindly will pardon me the ‘if’) the greatest actor of our age is now at Drury Lane, and delighting —, myriads with his ‘matchless personations.’ Now, supposing this be really a true statement of a fact, I think it would be well if we inquire upon what basis the popularity of this ‘consummate artist’ with the genius ascribed to him, clearly his excelling talents should be studied by all who would perfect themselves in the dramatic art. On the contrary, if the ' press by its reiterated puf- fery has set up an unworthy model to be copied, it cer- tainly must be to the ae advantage of the drama hat, to stop such imitation, the idol be displaced. t humiliates one rather to confess one’s ignorance, but will you lease inform me—What is a dramatic critic? Is he one to whom the ublic looks for guidance in its pleasures, and whom we expect by his nature and practised judgment to point out imperfections and to cul- pvate our taste? Or is it his business to scatter out puffs broadcast thout discrimination, If this be the case, certain critics have hanifest, their writings should be printed with the heading of ‘ ApvER- ISEMENT.’ You and I perhaps may know the purport of their praises ; ut the public is most likely not so well informed, and has a fair ant ~ complain if it should chance to be misled by them. “ That Mz. Keay is a good actor (of some parts) I don’t deny: but generally, now how|™ rests. If he be really gifted | obly done their duty: only I submit that, to make their meaning | I can’t bring myself in truth to grant that he’s a’great one. In the present dearth of talent he may hold a higher rank than is properly his due, by the mere force of comparison with those who are iaborine. But we are not therefore entitled to set him on a pedestal for the ignorant to gape at, and for posterity to imitate, As a manager, I own that he commanded my respect, and in some d J grant that he has gained it as an actor. Cardinal Wolsey is, I think, a lo conception, and carefully worked out. I give him some praise for his Benedick, and much more for the way he plays the Devil in Faust, and I thought him without equal in the Corsican Brothers until I saw Mn. FEecuTer, whose acting I character. lis personal peculiarities here stand him in and much assist him in his making 9} 4 wn Louis a masts J cormanee, or bn Goaeier ss the most varying eccentricities and these in quick transition he "TS Koid coe i, I pratt taking soles, ond y AN is, 1 grant, a most painstaking ina certain sort of melodrama he is clever and artistic, and works out his conceptions with finish and good taste. But to call him, as some “great tragedian ;’ to term him ‘this consummate artist,’ parts: to describe his Hamlet as a |“ under the pme of a continued soulful, ive’ persona- r rank igh in the list of his trionic triumphs personation that was ever achieved in this or any other country’ phrases, Sir, as these I eonsider to be clearly a burlesque of criticism, which should provoke our laughter only less than our . Actors troubled with dite digestion to swallow down such y is just about as truthful as to point with admi- de of stature, to say he stands not less than six feet has the presenes of Hyperion and a sweeter avoured in his nm than any mortal n. Such a statement has indeed been well nigh ventured by some writers, one of whom commends him for his ‘graceful ing, while another (who wrote doubtless with his tongne thrust in his cheek) says of him in his Hamlet, that he ‘showed all the proficiency of the oncempuened elocutionist.’ Now, I hope I am not snob enough to ridicule a person for his physical defects ; but I cannot consent to view as an ‘accomplished elocutionist’ a man from whose mouth the word money’ comes with more the sound of ‘ putty,’ and whose most emphatic utterance in deeply tragic passages is a tone that alternates between a gurgle and a gasp. “ As we don’t get a ‘great tragedian’ to amuse us often nowadays, I may possibly next week add a postscript to this letter. Inthe interim send a prize-fighter to protect me from the critics, and believe me, * Yours, defiant of their black looks, “One wo Pays.” A NOMINAL OBJECTION. » Pzrsows who believe that there is something in a name may be strengthened in ‘their faith by the following intelligence, which was brought from Trinidad by the last West Indian Mail gentlemen to assume the responsibilities of office, and was on the point of appealing to the country in the usual manner, when Mr. Sura, one of the members for St. Elizabeth, agreed | as colleagues. of a Sotomon; but as for Baron KerrerHoipt, we fear his name implies the presence of hot water. The Star of Italy. | Accorprine to a telegram from Paris, the following statement occurs in two French papers :— ** We have received communications from several friends of GARIBALDI, stating that he has not entered into engagements to act—at least in Hungary.” If the battle of Venetian emancipation is to be fought in Hungary or anywhere else, it is pretty sure that the chief actor on the stage of Italy will appear at the Theatre of War. lA Wonderful Resemblance between William Hazlitt and Reform Bill. Waar Cartes Lams said of Hazurrr’s conversation may be japplied with great justice to Lorp Jonn’s Reform Bill, “It was | charming in its way—nothing could be better for one who made a | practice of never starting from any premises, and of never arriving at ' anything like a conclusion.” | } weak stomachs, but it | think better. Louis the Eleventh is clearly his best | d stead, | up a life-like picture of the part. | | i “The Governor experienced very great difficulty in procuring the services of | | to take office. He secured the services of the Hoy. George SoLomon in the Assembly, and of Baron KerretHovpr in the Legislative Council, | Fortunate indeed must be the Minister who counts on the assistance | } } |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL, | Frpruary 23, 186}, “I Augustus. “Haw! Neat styte or Cop tHat, CHartzs! ” Charles, “Ya-as! SEVERE, aIn’t 17? You sez I’m Weapine ror Examination. A’VE GOT A DOOCED GOOD COACH, AND WITH A CLASSICAL Pony THINK A SHALL Putt THroveH ! ” HOW TO DRAW OUT A PERSON’S GRATITUDE. At the last meeting of the London and South-Western, a gentleman stated that he was one of the passengers who had providentially escaped being killed in the accident of the 28th ult., “having been drawn out from the bottom of a smashed carriage.” damages, but “to thank the servants for their great care and attention.” Well, gratitude does dwell at times, when it has any dwelling at all, in some of the strangest places ! : __if this enthusiast was so grateful for having escaped only with his life, we supe that his gratitude would have known no bounds if he had been killed outright. We do not think, if we had been dragged “through the bottom of a smashed carriage,” that our first impulse would have been to thank the servants of the company for “ their great care and attention.” Such kindness would be all the more appreciated on _| our parts, if it were a trifle less killing. In fact, the attention is of that overpowering nature that it knocks one completely over, and we do not think the best time to return thanks is when the breath has been all but taken out of your suffering body. We hope that the above enthu- siastic gentleman (whom we almost feel inclined to call “buffer” from the very affectionate way in which he clings to the railway that has done him an injury) is, for his own sake, not a frequent traveller on our iron highways, or else we have our misgivings that his gratitude will often have occasion to be very severely put to the test. We confess that the first accident would about exhaust all the gratitude we should have in our offended corpus, so that we are afraid we should have little or none left for the second trial. GOOD FOR TARES. We see advertised a Reaping Machine. to come directly after the Sewing Machine ? A Goop Pracz ror a Coox.—The Dripping-Well of Knaresborough. The gentleman did not | attend to remonstrate, to blow up the company generally, to ask for | OF course, it is intended | THE FINISHER OF BRITISH ART. “* Hin a Letter to the Zimes hon the Subjick of the british Gallery in palmal that imminent hartist Mz. W. P. 'Rrru rites this ere, witch i cuts out o the paper :— ‘* Why, with a few exceptions, are the best artists of the country scared from Pall-Mail? The answeris easy. The management is in the hands ofa secret and | irresponsible committee. For years it has been sought to penetrate the mystery, | but we are no nearer the solution than we were 20 years ago. The institution is supposed to be governed by directors who hang the pictures annually. Will any of them come forward and acknowledge the hanging of this season? Will the arranger unveil himself and clear up the mystery for us?” “ Hin anser to the Abuv chalindge i’ve no esitasion in Cumin forad like a Mann. i Ung the Picters. ‘They wos sentenced by the Propper Judges and I wos cumunicutted with In the Usal way and got the Orfis to Do the Jobb. Hifi adn’t a dunn it the Sherif wood ave ad to. And now wot’s MR. FRITH got to say? E’s got no call to complane of me; i Never ungim. I Flater myself ime as Good a judge of Angin aseis. i’ve eard and no doubt but wot e exels in Hexecution but in that Pint, thoe I sez it as shouldn’t i saythere nare a Artist in tle Rile acaddamy to compare with your umbel cervant * Catcrart, J. K.” «* * P.s, Scuse misteaks. i Haint much of a correspondent Avil few custumers I ever trubles with a Line moar than Vunce. “ Cannabis cotage Hempstead, Walentine’s Day.” The Political Tabernacle. TE comprehensive measure for the consolidation of Bankruptc/ and Insolvency which Srr RicwaRp BerHett brought forward la year was too large to be grasped by the intellect of the House @ Commons, and had to be abandoned. The ArrorNEY-GENERAL i now produced a smaller measure, which is excellent as far as it goes Great Bethell encountered an amount of dissent which we hope Ww be conciliated by Little Bethell. | | { | Printed by William Bradbury, of No. », Printers, at their Office in Lombard Sarunpar, February 23, 1861, a Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No.19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park, both ia the Parish of St Pancras, in tL. ounty of Middlest treet, in the Preciuct of Whitefriars, in the City of Lenton, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parieh of St. Bride in the City of London

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Marcon 2, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Old Ladys delight at seeing a full-, the ‘* Field”). She fancies it portencds at present, un lively Female Wasp on the WHAT OUR FRENCH FRIENDS THINK OF US. Tue assertion has been hazarded by rash and daring writers, that Frenchmen as a rule know little about England: that, in spite of the increasing means of cheap and rapid intercourse, they do not take the trouble to inform themselves about us; that they still believe we live on raw beef steaks and “‘ portare-bier,” never trust ourselves abroad without a bulldog at our heels, and take our wives to Smithfield with halters round their necks, to dispose of them as slaves to the men who will bid highest for them. A guide to London, which was published for the use of the Orphéonistes, and which was honoured by J/r. Punch with a notice in his columns, helped somewhat to support the bold assertion we have mentioned, and further confirmation has been recently afforded by a treatise on Les Anglais, Londres, et 1’ Angleterre, written by a Frenchman of whom we never heard, but who gets another Frenchman, whose name as a press-writer is thoroughly well known to so doing, and as a recommendation of the work he thus endorses, M. EmiLe pe GIRaRDIN in introducing it observes— **The English language not being very familiar in France, my countrymen may amuse, and at the same time instruct, themselves by studying England and the English in these pages, to which I give my cordial approval.” furnished; but as to their instructiveness, the less said perhaps the better. For instance, the French teacher who is patted on the back by Monsteur DE GrraRpIy, informs his countrymen, that more than half the British population is compelled to live by begging of the other half, an assertion which the columns of relief that have been advertised will be held no doubt to prove. And not less truthful is the statement, that the English as a rule know nothing of Fine Art; because their diet and their climate prohibit all such knowledge. As the author naively tells us :— “‘The English are by nature averse to contemplation ; they only care for roast beef, porter, and spirits; whereas it is essential to have that je ne sais quoi which we call grace, feeling, of which an Englishman has not the remotest conception : his | climate, his coarse food, and black drink are utterly opposed to any mental refine- ment. In fact, to possess taste, it is necessary to possess soul, and a large soul; and the English possess nothing but appetite.” Without inquiring whether Frenchmen have in general large souls, it cannot be denied that they : : . if possession of these properties be incompatible with due appreciation of the Arts, it may be doubted if our neighbours be much better off than we-s#e in this last respect. With regard to the coarse food VOL, XL, N 8 Ry 2 us, to verify the truth of the statements in the book. As a reason for | Amusement certainly there may be in the statements which are | have most of them large stomachs; and | (SUPPORT IN SICKNESS. Tue attention of the provident is due to a notification, announcing a EW FEATURE IN ASSURANCE.—10s. per week allowed in cases of sickness for every £100 assured in the PRUDENTIAL ASssURANCE ASSOCIATION, London, or sickness allowance granted without assurauce. The Prudential Assurance Association is most advantageously situated. In the very heart of the City, and within an easy walk of Guildhall and the Mansion House, it lies quite in the way of the Corporation. ow very convenient for gentlemen who have such good reason, and so much occasion, as the Aldermen and Common Councilmen have, for insuring themselves against sickness! Considering how freely they indulge in the pleasures of the civic table, they must see what a fine thing it is for them to be able to step into an Office, and for a trifle, secure an allowance of 10s. a-week whenever they are sick, Mistaken Identity. WE are authorised to state, that the Cabinet of Curiosities which is just now being advertised, has no connection with the Cabinet over which | Lonp Patmerston has the honour to preside. ; We may add, the curiosities in this, his Lord- oH 4 |ship’s, Cabinet are most of them exhibited in SESH | their proper places, on what are in St. Stephens known as ‘‘ Government nights.” Ny) na | wi TY | So . aE llth of February (vide) Wuat tHE ORACLE OF THE TUILERIES HAS a Warm and Eurly Sugpmer,—Every appearance of it|JUST ANNOUNCED 10 THE PorE.—Aio te Romanos vincere posse. = wherewith we satiate our appetite, perhaps it may be this which so degrades our taste. The raw beef steaks on which our gluttons gorge and gloat have a brutalising influence upon their dispositions, and incline them to a relish for the most disgusting sights. Bullbaiting and cockfighting are more than ever now our national amusements, and in the opinion of the author whom we cite, the time is not far distant bee Dying Gladiator will be added to the Astleyan attraction of wild beasts :— : ** An Englishman requires to see his fellow creatures in danger in order to expe- rience any emotion. The young girl who was devoured in presence of a full house at Astley’s Theatre obtained a great success. During a whole fortnight she was the sole object of conversation in social circles and at the clubs. Those who had been so fortunate as to witness this extraordinary scene were heartily envied by their less fortunate brethren. To hear the bones of a poor girl crunched by a tiger! what a delicious excitement! I am certain that the day is not far distant when this aris- tocracy, worn out with ennui, will need such representations as men combating with wild beasts.” This return to Roman customs will doubtless find much favour in rd eyes of our fair sex—if, at least this be a truthful picture of their habits :— ** At a dinner-party the ladies retire into another room, after having partaken very moderately of wine; and while the gentlemen are left to empty bottles of | Port, Madeira, Claret, and Champagne (!), it is a constant habit among the ladies to | empty bottles of brandy.” Indeed, now! Is it really! We thank you, good Monsieur, for teaching us that fact. Often and often have we wondered what on | earth the ladies do when they retire from the dessert table, and, but | that we hate eavesdropping, and have no wish to get our ears boxed, we should long ere this have followed them, and stooped down to the keyhole of the sanctum where they sit. Well, we several times have wondered what made their tongues so glib, and their general conver- sation so spirituel when we rejoined them. We more than once, poor fools! have imagined that their spirits were raised on our account, and have fancied them intoxicated by the pleasure of our presence. Alas! such vain delusions are no more to be indulged in. We now’ know on good authority that when the ladies leave the room it is to hold a spirit-séance ; and that if their bright eyes sparkle at the sight of our approach, the cause is not a love for us, but an affection for the brandy-bottle. Lord John's Finality. _ As applied to the Reform Bill, it is very like the finality of those interminable magazine stories, for you never arrive at any other end than—[“‘ 7o be continued in our next.’’ | K

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[Maron 2, 1861, Wf, Val VV “ i \ " tyiat ir) THE ITALIAN BOOT. ' INSTEAD OF WHICH AND NOT ONLY. Everyszopy, of course, knows the story of the old country Justice, who addressed to a juvenile goose-stealer, in pronouncing sentence you with talents and opportunities, instead of which you go stealing geese off a common! ” Was this celebrated magistrate a Vitiiers or a MonTaGuE? The reason for this question will be discerned in a certain letter on the subject of Zssays and Reviews, lately written by the BisHor or Duruay, in reply to an address concerning those writings from the Archdeaconry of Lindisfarne. “ It will,” writes the Bishop, in that pastoral epistle, “be in great measure, by our Christian earnestness, and by our rege per teaching, that we should guard the unwary from being led into the paths of such dangerous speculations, and show our abhorrence of opinions which I from my heart consider not only to be detrimental to the best interests of morality, and derogatory to,” here the Bishop uses words equivalent to scriptural revelation—“ but which are so manifestly opposed to the truth as it is in’”—here his Lordship names the Author of Christianity. The orthodoxy or heterodoxy of Zssays and Reviews is not now in question, and of course we are not going into theology, but may be — to express the supposition that the revelation which the IsHoP OF DurHaM mentions, and the truth which he names, are generally regarded amongst us as one and the same thing. If so, then that which is derogatory to the teaching must be opposed to the truth, and the Bishop’s “not only” has a strong family likeness to the Justice’s “instead of which.” Save that “ not only,” in the above connection, beats “‘instead of which.” For “instead of which” is merely a rather gaping ellipsis. “Instead of omneras and exerting which,” was what his Worship meant to say. But “not only” can |the truth from the revelation, then the “not only” upon him, this remonstrance:— Here, Sir, Providence has blessed | indicated that intention was not only right but also requisite. AN AWKWARD FIX. From the Springfield Journal, the President Elect’s organ, we learn with a certain dismay that— “Mr. LINCOLN stands immovably on the Chicago platform, and he will neither acquiesce in, nor consult his friends to acquiesce in, any compromise that surrenders one iota of it.” This is an embarrassing attitude for any statesman to take. If Mr. Lincotn will not remove from the platform, we suppose the only way will be to carry him and the platform into the Capitel together. It will be rather awkward, ee », if the floor of the House is not large enough to take in the platform! We have heard of members having such an attachment for their | seats (like Mr. Horsmay, for instance,) that they can- not be made, or persuaded, to give them up; but for | a senator openly to declare that his affection for a cer- tain platform is so strong that nothing shall induce him to tear himself from it, is quite a new Jocus standi in the political world. The only possible compromise we see, when Mr. Lincoxn and his platform are carried in triumph to Washington, is, to get the latter incor- porated instantly with the Board of Administration, and then ABRAHAM can “stump ” away as much as he likes on both. There can be but little difficulty in this operation in a country where they move houses more easily than spiritualists move chairs or tables, so that an invalid, who is ordered a change of air, can be carried twenty miles into the country simply by giving his orders over-night, and without a single baby in the establish- ment being in the least disturbed by the arrangement, or as much as a creditor being cognisant of the move. If it is so easy there to transport an entire house without spilling even a drop of ink, it cannot surely require the power of a second Aladdin to carry a simple platform through the country, and to do it so steadily and effectively that Mz. Linco.y, on his arrival at the White House, shall be as immovable as ever, having traversed the United States, without having yon in the smallest way either to the north or the south, Wuy are the Game Laws the jolliest laws we |have? Because their express object is to “keep the | game alive,” | A Cuest Protector.—One of Cuvss’s locks. by no stretch of rhetorical licence be forced into harmony with the laws of thought and language. If, indeed, the Bisnor or Dunnam intended to contradistinguish by which he But if he did not intend that, then the Bishop is referred to Dr. Brat. He probably has read Buarr’s Sermons; but Buarr not only wrote sermons: he also wrote certain lectures on style. These the BisHor or Dunnam should read, and not only read them, but endeavour to comprehend them, and observe the instructions which they contain. His “not only,” as it stands above, unexplained, is a caution to sinners, that is to say, a caution to writers who sin not only against the precepts of Barr, but also against the truth as it is in LinpLey Murray. It is likewise a caution to saints—to those saints who are accustomed to use evangelical phraseology not only without understanding what it means, but without even considering what they themselves imagine it to mean. Such saints ma admo- nished by the example of the BrsHor or Dunnam to mind how they employ serious forms of speech, lest they should unawares make a one mistake, and a mistake which is not only serious but also ridiculous, From a Correspondent. Cuicnxster Spire, Reading Abbey, Lambeth Church, and sundry other ecclesiastical edifices have suffered by the extraordinary gale of the 20th. A Correspondent writes to us to say, that he thinks the ladies who assisted Macbeth into his difficulties have been at work, and have obeyed the permission to— “ Untie the winds, and let them fight Against the Churches.” Our private opinion is, that our Correspondent is a Pump. {| = — Se enmace

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Maron 2, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 87 PAPAL ZOUAVES AND PETTICOATS. ir\ iA across women field at these ferred alive. of the Cross—as embroidered on the Knight of La Mancha. Lerren from Rome thus recounts an exploit performed the other day by a detach- ment of Papal Zouaves, whilst those warriors, on-their way to invade the territory of Victok EMMANUEL, voyagin boat :— “The Zouaves on crossing fired a volley at some poor country- took to flight in great terror, but fortunately uninjured, with the exception of one who had an ear| themselves on the men who had fired at their s8nhot on. spare neither age nor sex; no, not.even when age an sex combine to deprecate their ferocity. Having knocked off a woman’s ear at along shot, the gallant Zouaves attacked and took possession of a mill | adjoining the ferry, which there was nobody to defend. The enterprise of these Soldiers Popr’s shoes—was worthy of such crusaders. Their descent on the mill may remind the reader of a similar achievement performed by the famous | place the very first thing in the morning, or Both the one affair and the other are illustrations of chivalry. The chivalry conspicuously manifest in Don Qxirofe’s assault on the windwill, was, in the seizure of the mill near the Tiber by the Papal Zouaves, conspicuous by its absence. If these soldiers are ordered to fire at women, their officers may be supposed to be desirous to acquire the repu- tation of lady-killers. We should like to know how they are getting on at the mill. Perhaps, however, they have got off by this time, as many /as were able to escape from a body of assailants |whom the fire which they had ventured to open |on the countrywomen at work very likely drew down upon them. Those poor old women ran away; but probably their retreat was speedily \followed by the advance of a troop of youthful and vigorous peasant lasses, armed with pitch- forks, scissors, and other rural and domestic implements. . What then happened we may safely con- |jecture. The enraged Amazons precipitated were from Nazzano the Tiber in a ferry- who were labourin some distance, an in a who grandmothers, stormed their position, and sent What terrible fellows are|them flying—the one who shot a woman’s Pontifical Zouaves!|°ar off, perhaps, with a flea in his own. The The females at whom they |Zouaves of the Pore who, on that cccasion, had fired were probably most of|the honour of bleeding in the cause of his them old women; the heroes H no doubt would have pre- oliness, carry, no doubt, the marks of the wounds they then received on that aspect of the body which they necessarily opposed to the prongs, forks, and skewers wherewith they were pursued by the girls they left behind them. ; to take young girls The Port’s braves The Beauty of Early Rising. Family Physician (who is a bit of an ABERNETHY lin his way). “* You may laugh at me as you like, | Miss, but I tell youit is a positive fact, which /you are at liberty to disprove, if you can—that, when Venus rose from the Sea, the rising took else she never would have been the Beauty she (oan bag THE MYSTERIES OF TRADE. In the intelligence from the Brazils, last week, we meet in one of the papers with the following curious paragraph :— “ Dry Germans opened at 59} reals, but declined to 58 for half ox half cow, and 60 for ox, this quotation being merely nominal.” The above is a complete mystification. Of course, in our travelling experiences, we have met with many “dry Germans,” but we little | suspected that they ever formed an article of commerce. Besides, who | would care about purchasing a “dry German”? Then the question | arises, how do you ary a German ? or does he dry himself in his own | tobacco-smoke? After this comes the further mystery of his being | “opened.” It is rather undignified to talk in this way of a “dry | German,” as if he were no better than a dried haddock, or a cured | herring, or a Teutonic mummy, that had had the accumulated dust and | cobwebs of centuries upon him. However, we are so far pleased as to | notice that “‘dry Germans” fetch so good a price in the dry-goods | market. It is more than we should feel inclined to give for such a specimen of dried metaphysics and transcendentalistic Kantism. Another puzzle that bewilders us still more is the revelation that our “dry German” is “half ox, half cow.” We have heard of an rish bull, and of a Vache espagnole, and of other curiosities belonging to the animal kingdom; but we must confess that such an ethnological specimen as a “dry German,” that had the head of an ox and the tail of a cow, never, fortunately for us, crossed our scientific path before. We are so mystified that we must write to Proresson Owen on the | subject, though it looks very suspiciously as though Barnum, under a strong attack of animal spirits, had had a hand in stitching this new hybrid together for the enrichment of his New York Museum. Wesup- ose that the “half ox” is a delicate compliment to the obstinacy of russia, and the “ half cow ” a graceful allusion to the calf-like attributes of Austria. However, our Foreign Office, that always evinces such a | strong sympathy for German interests, should take the matter up. If slavery is abolished, why, we want to know, are “dry Germans” thus offered publicly for sale ? Morto FoR THE GENERAL ConvEYANCE AMALGAMATED OMNIBUS Company.—“ # pluribusses Unum.” BLaNCMANGE.—W hitebait, A PROPHECY OF MERLIN. AmonG the curious black-letter prophecies which have been collected under the name of the famous Celtic Wizard MERLIN, is one which, in the opinion of many, strangely anticipates events which are passing under our own eyes in the Church of England. The prophecy runs :— @Ahanne that a route of Bishoppes shall be boune To liften uppe a booke by puttinge Downe : UAhanne that this Englonde sees a man turn bulle, The whiche a Coopere bp ve taile shall pulle, And Recorde out of Recordes thruster fulle, Thanne look for grievous winpes . . . and prayer alle That Englonders Church see nat but nabes to fale,” This prophecy has, we believe, been repeatedly brought to the notice | of both our Episcopal and Cathedral body, but, of course, without attracting any attention. The last line has been laid hold of, by credulous people, as prophetic of the fall of Chichester Cathedral, the spire of which has come down upon the nave, while, in the earlier couplets, fanciful imaginations make out allusions to recent: proceedings in relation to the Essays and Reviews, and the expulsion of an offensive pervert from a public office. It would be well if the Church authorities, when they fall on any- | body, would follow the example of the Church buildings, and come down on knaves only. THE REAL EDITOR OF “NOTES AND QUERIES.” Tr asked, we should say it was not Mr. Truss, nor Mr. Taos, but Mr. Mutuens, who is the Solicitor to an Association of Bankers for the Prevention of Forgery, inasmuch as when there is the smallest doubt about a Note, itis always sent to him to be Queried. There is this peculiarity, too, in Mr. Muiews, that he does not take the slightest interest in the circulation of the curious documents that, as the recognised head of that difficult branch of literature, are placed in his hands every year for him to adjudicate whether they have the true stamp of genius upon them, or do not exactly come up to the mark. “ es the less Notes that are Queries circulate, the better he is pleased.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Maron 2, 1861, OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. BAR PuNCH, _ “I VENTURED in my last to say a compliment to Mr. Kean in certain characters, and of censure tothe critics ha j who persist in over- raising him. No good and much harm, as I imagine, will result rom the use of overstrained and indiscriminating eulogy. It is the business of a critic carefully to criticise, and not to Tait the trumpet without having a good reason for it. I suppose we may pre- sume that actors in some measure are guided by the press, and cer- tainly the public is believed to put some trust in it. Now when an actor is so eulogised as Mr. Kean has been, other actors must be tempted to take him for their model ; and as ~~ | find his acting indis- criminately lauded, of course the chances are, that they will copy his defects, The public it is true may correct them for so doing, but the ublic is in general a race moutonniére, and apt to follow any one who ikes to take the lead. j *T have ted that Coantes Kean is a good actor of some parts. But while I praise his Louis the Eleventh, I can see no reason to eulogise his Hamie¢. It is I admit a Logg ag vd performance, and shows clearly that great care and thought have been bestowed on it. But I am not therefore entitled to speak of it in raptures as a ‘masterly conception,’ and ‘demanding all the genius of a great artist to work out.’ A — of the press has had the sense, I’m glad to see, to stand aloof from its contemporaries, and to abstain from joining in their constant cries of ‘bravo!’ and unvarying handclapping, and chorus of ‘well done!’ The EZzaminer distinguishes between the good and bad, and while giving the palm freely knows where to hold its hand. So too the Atheneum gives Mr. Kean due credit for his acting ina melodrama, but denies that he is capable of acting in high tragedy, or wherever there is aaght of the poetic in his part. This surely is more truthful and in better sense and taste, than to smear him over with butter as a savage might his idol, and to put him on a pedestal as one above all praise. Dramatic art is injured and its prospects I think darkened, when an actor so confessedly imperfect 2s CHARLES Kean is set before our eyes as a pattern of perfection, and puffed as a ‘consummate artist’ in high art. You may fancy 1 misquote, and deny that any critic can have used such fulsome phrases. But, with the exception of your own and the two that I have noticed, show me any paper that exposes his least fault; and is the inference not fair that he 1s held to be quite blameless, and nearer to perfection than mortal man can be? ‘Lay it on thick, and some will surely stick!’ This seems to have been the rule of late adopted by the critics, who have stupidly forgotten another sage old precept which should have cautioned them, “* Lest men believe your tale untrue, Keep probability in view.” “Tt is notin nature that actors, any more than other people, should be perfect, and when a critic fails to point out their imperfections, we may properly account him to be unfit for his work. The influence of the press of course is weakened by such writers, for nobody of sense can put belief in their opinions. Such laudation as has lavishly been poured on Mr. Kean cannot long continue to be swallowed by the public; and one fancies that its praises are sarcasms diegeieel and that its superlatives, so far from bidding us admire, are simply meant to make us laugh, word or two of/h “Old Drury being the largest theatre in London, by way of contrast | I have paid a visit to the smallest (in saying which, however, I should | by rights except the Bijou, lately Psocbon 4 for French Plays for the first | time in my memory, and now presenting to the Pye what is‘called | an “Eatertainment,” of which I have my doubts if it be entertaining), I went there on the evening of Miss Wururon’s return, and pleasantly surprised by her acting in Court|Favowr. Many times she | has amused me by her aaiveté in burlesque, but I had never before seen her play a lady’s part, and I can but give her credit for the way | in which she did it, There are not too many ladies at present on the stage who can assume the graceful manner one looks for in a drawing. | room; and I think that this young actress would do wisely to direct | her studies to this end, instead of lowering herself by playing in | burlesques, which have a tendency to them. I need not tell you what relief I nd | construction of Court Favour, after seeing the coarse stupid hich | liad preceded it. Have authors lost the art of writing these neat | pieces ? for, judging by the appetite evinced the other evening, 1 don’t | think that the public at all has lost its relish for them, And, by the | way, Mr. Swansorovcu, why have you withdrawn the Silver Wedding from your lay-bilf ? A pretty little piece it was, despite its somewhat prosy dialogue, and should have won some golden opinions were more people of my mind. : “There is a burlesque now at this theatre (as when, pray, is there not?), which the audience seemed to aor and laugh at more than I did, though I can hardly say exactly why it was I was not pleased. The piece is not ill played, and is written with such smartness that one’s ears throughout are tingling with the bad jokes which are cracked at them. But perhaps the name of Piawcué, which [ had just before een reading in the play-bill, had recalled some pleasant memories of mse burlesques, and on his rare model I think no one has improved. ‘I must, however, own that I laughed more at Cinderella than I did at Peter Wilkins, for although the latter is called a ‘comic’ panto- mime, it disposed me rather to despondency than mirth. Not that I am grown too old to laugh at a good pantomime—I hope and trust sincerely I never may be that; but 1 have not yet learned con- formity with what appears to be the fashion of preferring gas and glitter to good foolery and fun. ‘ “Next week I intend to see Mz. Facurer (rhymes with ‘ wretch stir,’ Mz. Tupper, and not with ‘nectar,’ or with ‘lectur’), and from | what I hear of him in Don Cesar de Bazan, I am given to believe that I shall have a treat. Meantime, Sir, you and he may depend on the assurance of the marked consideration of “Your unbiassed Correspondent, “ Onz wHo Pays.” ORDER FOR MOURNING. | Lord Chamberlain’s Office, February 21, 1861. Tae Lorp CuamBertain and Dramatic Censor has just been apprised of the removal of M. Evens Scrisz from the sublunary scene. The Lonp CaampBear.atn therefore suggests that British Dra- matic Authors do forthwith put their Boran’s Dictionaries into decent mourning. Gentlemen who have annexed the entire plot and dialogue of any of M. Scrrse’s pieces will have their Dictionaries re-bound in black, while for authors who have simply “adapted,” a temporary cover of black calico will suffice. Appropriators of fragments and epigrams from the same source will insert black bookmarks or strips ot black ribbon. Half mourning to commence on Easter Monday with the holiday spectacles, and on SHaKksPeaRe’s birthday the authors will go out of mourning. Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Husbands. In cold winter, when a horse’s bit is full of frost, never put it (we are} told) into his mouth without previously warming it. « You shouldn’t treat your husband with less kindness than you would your horse. Therefore, during the winter, put none but warm bits into the dear creature’s mouth. Not to do so is very cruel, as it is very well known that the husband’s mouth is much more sensitive in cold weather than at any other period of the year. It only makes him restive, and snappish, and spoils his temper, so much so that it is almost dangerous, at times, to go near him. Hence, whatever you do, avoid | cold mutton.—A Future Benedich. PEOPLE WHO SHOULDN’T LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES, ConsIDERING the rascalities that have satele, come to is among | the stock-jobbing and stock-dealing community, both here and in Paris, | it would seem to be quite time to cover up the Exchange, and the more | completely the better. But surely it is the last building to make a) glass house of, considering the stones that are daily thrown at it.

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—_—— Maron 2, 1861.] 89 IF NOT A DONKEY, CERTAINLY A DUELLIST. He Americans and the English somewhat differ in their notions of the nature of a joke; else we should not see reported a remark such as the following, which was the other even- ing in the House of Representatives by Mz. Cuemens, of Virginia :— ** He perceived from the official report that his colleague (Mr. Marri) is reported to have ex- wessed a wish that he Ciemens) should go on with his traitorous re- marks. He understood | f; that his colleague made - Some other observation which did not reach his ear. It was now for him to say at first, as well as at last, the position which ‘ he conceived it his duty to take in this national emergency was taken de- liberately and with the expectation that he would be subject to personal defamation. If his colleague’s remark was intended to give offence he loned him, for the reason he was now labouring under a physical infirmity with a reeking wound received in a personal encounter. If his colleague had a like fracture in his thigh bone, and had been crippled for two-and-a-half years, he would finda bullet not a comfortable sensation. (Laughter.) He did not desire to be 7 in a caricature in Punch or Vanity Fair, as leaning on a cane with one hand and holding a pistol in the other. (Laughter.)” The Vanity Fair here mentioned is a New York publication, and may, for aught we know, be capable of vt such a joke as Mr. CLEemeEns deprecates. But that Mr. C. should fancy Mr. Punch would stoop to_do so, clearly shows in Mr. C. a painful ignorance of Puuch, If Mr. C. desire enlightenment on this, and who shall say how many million other subjects ? we recommend him to enrich his library forth- with by buying all the nine and thirty valuable volumes, which are about to be reissued from Mr. Punch’s priceless press, By attentively perusing their world-benefiting contents, Mz. CLEMENS may arrive at amore correct idea of what in Mr. Punch’s judgment constitutes a joke ; and he will find good ground for thinking that to make fun of a cripple, even though he be a duellist, would be a notion not at all to the taste of Mr. Punch, Mr. Punch reflects with pride, that it was mainly by his efforts that duelling in England languished and died out. To achieve its wished- for end, he had recourse to many methods of attack: and when strong words and sarcasm were found at all to fail, he opened fire with ridi- cule, and dealt it itsdeath-blow. From being pardoned, if not praised, as a fashionable failing, it came to be detested as a vulgar vice, and so went out of favour and ere long became extinct. But inall the laughs he raised against the notion of a duel being needful to one’s “ honour,” Punch never caricatured the misfortune of a cripple, albeit every duellist he held to be a goose, eae THE DEBUT OF A NEW STATUE. We have been able to catch a glimpse of Victory at last. The Guards’ Memorial has made its first appearance in public. It had been so often announced, and had so often disappointed us, that we had — to look upon it as a base impostor, or rather as a capital one. It is really a statue after all, and no Bottle-Conjuror; it is a pa substantiality, and no impossible cram. There you have three uardsmen as big as life, and every one of them a man of metal that has already stood fire, and would not mind doing it again. Whilst we are about it, we may as well state, that the metal in question is BExt- metal, which will account for the composition taking so much higher a tone than Metropolitan statues generally do. Above these soldiers stands the figure of Victory; and, in point of execution, she is fairly entitled to carry off the palm—though, to speak literally, some one (but certainly xo the Duxe or York, for he never came within a rs touch of Victory) has carried it off for her; for, though we looked into both her hands, we could not see a palm in either. On the contrary, she is carrying four crowns, like the immortelles that are sold outside a French cemetery. As there are only three soldiers below, we are puzzled to know for whom the fourth crown is intended. Is it for the Hann or Canpican? If so, it is a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. great shame that his noble figure has not been introduced. There would have been room for him at the back, amongst that Jougquet of guns. In truth, the effect might have been materially heightened by the Earl being made to look into the mouth of one of the cannons. It would be a touching reminiscence of Balaklava. We do not altogether like the look of Victory. She is not so bright and smiling as we should wish to have seen her. She looks as if she had been rubbed all over with black lead. she been mourning in ashes for the few results that have grown out of the Crimean War? or has it been the fierceness of the fire that has given her that dingy, smoke-dried look ? The drapery is remarkably good; in truth, for the last few months we have been thinking that there was a great deal too much drapery about her, for it completely concealed the figure. The statue looks much better since it has thrown off that remarkably dirty duster, reminding us of those immense wrappers that they hang in front of the boxes the last thing at night in a theatre. As we are inside a play- house, we may as well state, that we think Victory is stretching her arms out a little too much in the style of a theatrical king, muttering in Ellistonian pompousness, “Bless ye, my people!” __ All things considered, we fancy the Guards’ Memorial has made | rather ahappy débit, Vf not a great success, it is far from being a | ailure, It is no worse, and perhaps it is a trifle better, than the many statuesque caricatures that, in the name of art, are supposed to adorn our much-abused London. The truth is, that the English sculptors have always displayed such a cruel affection for the Metropolis, that it has been quite a spoilt child with them, “ART NOT THOU VILLIERS AND A MONTAGUE?” The Living of Haughton-le-Skerne has a population of 1000, an income of £1,300. It borders on Darlington, with a population of 15,000, and an ecclesiastical income of £600, tout compris. The Bishop of Durham, (late the Rev. MonracueE VILLIERS) was respectfully pra: by the Churchwardens of the Darlington parishes to take out of the su uity of Haughton wherewithal to help satisfy the hunger of Dar! m. The Bishop daciazel he had already given the fat rectory to his son- in-law, the Rev. Mr. Cuegsz, who has been three years in orders.—The Journals, passim. Oh, Montague VitLieRs—MontacveE VILLiERs ! Straightest and smoothest of Low-Church pillars, Was it for this that Soarrespury plucked you From the Slough of Despond of a London cure, In Durham’s golden chair to induct you— Piousest—Preachingest—Purest of pure ? Was’t that the first fat living which fell Into those well-bred hands immaculate, Your stripling son-in-law’s luck should swell And cause the churchwardens to ejaculate— As this twenty-eight-year-old’s name they spell— “Our Bishop’s really too anxious to please : When we ask him for bread, he gives us CHEzsE!” Cheese! The mention of Cheese excites, a general rule, the notion of mites ; ; But in Durham henceforth—say the Church’s backbiters— Folks will never see CHeEse without thinking of métres, Oh, Bishop! if praises of men you sought, Which most of your kidney so tickle and please,— If pene youd have caught, J ou shouldn’t have baited your trap with Cuzzsz. To your CuEEsk’s merits you’ll find a blindness,— There’ll be a bishopped * flavour in Aém,— Be he made of the milk of human kindness, Or the sourest and smallest sectarian skim. This moral for all sucking Clergy I draw, Beware of Episcopal fathers-in-law ! Here’s one who to heart that moral should lay ; He’ll not find Haughton a chapel-of-ease, An he what he may, the public will say, That your conduct is anything but the Cheese. * In the Diocese of Durham boiled milk, which has been allowed to burn, is said tobe “ bishopped.” The Ring and the Cross. Monsieur L, N. pe La GuERonniéng, in his Majesty’s last pamphlet, | writes, “‘ Behind our Flag the Cross is always seen.” Mr. T, Savers, reading this, oy 2 served to Mr. J. Mace, “He may well say that, Jmm. Most of these here French fights is a cross,” CE assented, with a gesture of much contempt for the French avowal. ParsruL Bereavement.—Eveiwe Scrise is dead. The Members of our Dramatic Authors’ Association are as well as can be expected !

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1861. x . %, Ringe OC rer SA - eh ee Y\0 4 a, oh yi ‘ , 2 aarT ers “Lb, 44 f Z 4 \ Aa WN a 7 ol — First Undergraduate, “ Hi! Frank! Here’s a Gate! ” Sy === (= wr war’ ZN \S = a Ay in ea Second Undergraduate, “Gate! I pipyn’t pay Two GUINEAS TO GO THROUGH GATES, WITH SUCH LOVELY Posts AND RAILS BEFORE ME! ” fe \ Le \ Yj df Wj CRINOLINE AND ITS VICTIMS. | Notwitustanprne all that Puach has said upon the subject, the accidents from Crinoline are, it would seem, upon the increase. Half a score at least have occurred through fire since Christmas, and several others we could cite have taken place from other causes. One of the last we saw reported was occasioned by a dress being caught up by a cabwheel, while the wearer was crossing a street at the West End. Here the victim was so fortunate as to escape with merely a bad frac- ture of her leg; but in most cases the sufferers have lost their life by their absurdity in wearing the wide dresses which are now accounted fashionable. Now, unless there be a wish to decrease the population, it clearly is high time that such mishaps should be prevented. We cannot as a Christian people allow our wives and daughters to sacrifice themselves before the Juggernaut of Fashion, without labouring our utmost that the idol be displaced. As Parliament has no other Reform Bill on its hands, we think it would do well to pass a measure for reforming the wide dresses of the ladies, and for reducing their extravagant and — proportions. Dangerous they are, not merely to their wearers, ut to any one who chances to come in contiguity. We ourselves being meee of genteel and slender stature, have more than once —— , like a cobweb, off the pavement, by the passing of a pet- icoa' t omg) in width; and how many accidents have happened in ball-rooms and in boats, it would tire out all the wranglers in Cambridge to sum up. “Excess of apparel” is no new thing to preach against. Plenty of homilies have, we know, been delivered on the subject, and Acts of Parliament have oftentimes been passed for the like end. A hundred and fifty years ago there was nearly the same outcry against hoops as there is now, and the Punches of the period—the Spectator and the Tatler—did good service in assisting to put the nuisance down. Whether Crinoline was worn in Classic ages we know not, but Ovip tells us that— “ Pars minima est ipsa puella sui,” aware that in reverting to so old and stale a subject, we shall probably incur the wrath of many readers, who will sneeringly allege that we are hard up for a joke. But Crinoline is getting far too serious for joking. Broken legs and burning dresses are anything to our mind ut provocative of jests. To petticoat government in moderation we submit, but we cannot go on suffering ourselves to be thrown down and trampled on, and run the risk of being run over whenever we walk out. We therefore hope that something will be done this session to place us on a safer footing than we have been, and to prevent our being swept about like rubbish in the streets. If there be any independent member in the House—we mean one who has neither wife nor family to fear—he would do the State some service by moving for a select committee on the subject, with the view of getting Government to | take the matter up. As Lorp Patmerston has long been a favourite with the ladies, perhaps his powers of persuasion would incline their ears to reason, Bem we are aware it is the last thing in the world that a woman likes to listen to, and one that few men have the art to make her really heed, An Interlocutory Decision. THERE’s a frantic dispute And no end of a suit, As to who shall have charge of the Marquis or Bute: The deduction from which ; Is that Bute must be rich, And the lawyers are sure to get plenty of Loot. The Political Atmosphere in America. Tue latest intelligence from New York tells us, that “a thick fog prevails.” We fancy this “thick fog” prevails more or less all over the country. It is very clear, and it is the only thing that is clear, that politicians do not exactly see their way. However, let us hope, and this seems strongly to confirm the supposition that it was. At any rate the nuisance, we have shown, is not a novel one; and we are when the fog has cleared off, that the ground will be taken up by a speedy settlement of the Blacks,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Mancu 2, 1861. "hi, a ah} \ | IM . a }’ VK) GAN La” y / LOOKING INTO THE ACCOUNTS. Joun But, “NOW, MY FRIEND, YOU TAKE A HOLIDAY FORA SHORT TIME. I DON’T DOUBT YOUR HONESTY, BUT I WANT TO SEE HOW YOUR BOOKS STAND.”

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Care PC OF

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. Manon 2, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 93 ALLIGATORS IN TEARS. See NC E see that Louisiana | and has seceded from the American Union in a manner opely disgusting and ridi- culous. Despatches from Baton Rouge ‘ contain the particu- \_ lars of this absurd roceeding. The de- ate in the Conven- tion on the question of secession havin closed, we are told, a vote was ordered, and “The Galleries and lobbies were intensely crowded, and a death- like silence prevailed. On the call of the roll, )\\ > many members werein Y tears.” Who were the weepers? A nume- rous minority in the Louisiana mven- tion, bewailing the folly which the ma- jority was about to perpetrate? Notso; for the vote having been announced, the » Ayes turned out to 7 be1l3, andthe Nays 17 he weeping members were there- fore Secessionists— Slaveowners, Slave- ~ drivers—and about what then were these ruffians blubbering? Wecan only suppose either that their tears were those of maudlin mournfulness, or drunkenness, or proceeded from the fountain of doleful hypocrisy. That the latter was the source of these crocodiles’ or alligators’ tears, is very decidedly indicated by what follows :— “Carr. ALLEN then entered the Convention with a Pelican flag, accompanied by GovERNOR Moors and staff, and put the flag in the hands of the President, amid tremendous excitement. “A solemn prayer was then offered, and a hundred guns fired.” Having agreed in an act of treason towards their common country, in pursuance of a brutal determination to persist in oppressing their fellow-men; having renounced their allegiance to the American Union, to the intent of persevering in the violation of their duty towards their neighbour, these snivelling professors of a rascally piety go down on their knees and pray. Hideous devotion! Praying and weeping as they were, surely every drop that trickled from their turned-up eyes down their snuffling noses, must have looked black in the light of Heaven. Angelic chemistry has perhaps turned those tears to jet, and keeps them for a curiosity. npleasant humbugs! The odour of their sanctimony grievously offends the moral nose, The finishing touch to the character of these brutes is supplied by the following account of an atrocity narrated in a despatch dated at Washington :— “Information was received by the Government this morning, from the Collector at New Orleans, stating that the barracks about two miles below New Orleans, now occupied as a Marine Hospital, were taken possession of on the 11th instant by Carratn Braprorp, of the State Infantry, in the name of the State of Louisiana. There were 216 invalids and convalescent patients in the hospital at the time it was seized. The collector of customs was required to immediately remove the — who were convalescent, and those who were confined to their beds, as soon as practicable. his action is regarded by the Government as most outrageous and inhuman.” The hospital was seized, and the patients were turned out of it in order that it might be occupied as a barrack by the State troops of Louisiana, levied on behalf of slavery and rebellion. SzcreTary Dix denounces this deed as “ an act of out- rageous barbarity, disgraceful to any age or country.” But what are the sav: secessionist slaveowners of Louisiana but barbarians? Inhumanity after all is inhumanity, and pf with benevolence knows no distinction of colour. Merei- lessness to black s ves is simply consistent with cruelty to white sufferers. The expulsion of the patients from the Marine Hospital is an achievement worthy of such soldiers as the troops of Louisiana. We hope it will prove their ero exploit; for it is meet to be, and they are not very likely to distinguish themselves much by performing any other more creditable. in one of the above’ extracts, a Caprary ALLEN is described as doing a bit of pantomime with a “Pelican flag.” ‘The pelican depicted on this flag was perhaps what heralds call a “Pelican in her Piety;” a pelican pecking her breast to feed her young with the contents of her own veins and arteries. The piety of the happy returns ?” pelican, however, has no resemblance to that of the pietists of the Louisiana Convention. The pelican does not howl and cry, and pray open and preservation in injustice wickedness. ican is said to bleed her own bosom; but the only blood ever shed by such fellows as those whose s is the “ Pelican flag,” is that which is spilt in murderous brawls, or that which is drawn by cowbides from the lacerated human back, HUBBARD’S APPEAL. O Grapstong, born to affluence, Hadst thou thy bread to earn, Of rents from earnings, how immense The difference thou wouldst learn ! Wert thou — by industry y mi To win each That which thy conscience fails to see, Thy consciousness would feel. With wife and children to support, All be: shouldst thou die; Should thy employment e’er fall short, ~ “Phe Workhouse in thine eye; _ Thou wouldst perceive the trath, ignored, By thee, a wealthy Precarious income can’t afford What certain income can. The tax that takes from both alike Would move thy own disgust. : Thee, when it wronged thyself, ’twould strike As monstrously unjust, The difference thou wouldst comprehend, Denied by fool and knave, Between the means a man may spend, And those he ought to save. Great, when the savings, which should make Provision for thine age, The tax-collector came to take, Would be thy manly re justice, thou would’st then discern, craft defied to flee ; And what would be thine own return, Then, under Schedule D ? ECCLESIASTICAL SWAINS. Tue Rural Deans have taken a very prominent part in titioning against the total abolition of Church-Rates. These little taxes appear to be quite an element in rural felicity, The fondness for them manifested by the Rural Deans invests them with a pleasing rurality. We connect them with flocks and herds, There are flocks of sheep, and there are flocks of geese. Sheep are sheared; geese are plucked: and the operations of sheep-shearing and goose-plucking are naturally associated with the levy of Chureh-Rates. Thereare herds of cattle, which suffer them- selves to be milked, and their milk affords cream, out of which is made butter, wherewith the bread of fat pluralists is buttered on both sides. There are also herds of swine, that grunt and grumble, and may be supposed by Rural Deans to express dissent, but such dissenters repre- sent rather a class of farmers who dissent from any and e doctrine which demands their money. All these ei § ideas are associated with Church-Rates by reason that the cudgel has been so generally taken up for them by Rural Deans. If the Rural Deans were only Rural Bishops, the Ricut Reverenp Cou, and Lusi, and Corypon, and other shepherds, might not only wield an age | Oaken staff with a hook for crosier, by hook and crook, as it were, to maintain those ecclesiastical demands, but also sing the necessity of them ms geeee pastorals, — Rural Deans should providejthemselves with Pandean pipes, on which, if Church-Rates are abolished, they may suitably whistle for them, THE MODERN CHESTERFIELD, Wat would you wish a tobacconist on his birthday? Why you omg what could you wish him but “ Many

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Manon 2, 1861. M bce De Mpeece Has WWyyy yin MAAN var nN i= = i i i hi ny ‘ys hy} Ww IN i N , \ ' h \ \ aN \ ‘ LL he rn FIP OFF? Dt Die N | N 27 (Adda d atts oo SEE SMM MI ETE P PA le 2 eed Ae MT aw. SCENE.—PITT’S STATUE, HANOVER SQUARE. Srreet; Boy. ‘‘ M, D, double C C, We, I—What does that mean ?” Srreet Boy, No. 2. ‘‘ Why, one o our Rooshan Wictories this ’ere General won in the Crimea, stupid! Nobody caw t pronounce the name.” AN EVIDENT MISPRINT. Wao could drink “a bottle of hay?” It would be apes 4 dry stuff, we should imagine, a no one would think of touching, unless he had the constitution of a horse. Besides, where woul ma keep your stock? Not in the cellar, but in the hayloft, we suppose? or would = ve to send down to the Haymarket, supposing any friend, who had a turn for dry humour, called for ‘‘a bottle of hay.” As for ourselves, we do not believe in any such vintage as would require a pitchfork to = it instead of a corkscrew. We fancy it isa misprint. We a 2 was originally “a bottle of Ai,” meaning the celebrated Champagne of that name; and =| some desperate Cockney continually awling out, “‘ Here, waiter, bring me another Betis of Hai,” the term gradually got corrupted into its ‘present use. It is simply used in the form of chaff. A NEW VERSION OF MOTHER HUBBARD. (Respectfully dedicated to the CHANCELLOR OF THE ExcHEQUER and the Select Committee’ on Income-Tax.) Governor HvuspBaRD a left the Bank-cupboard bgt es | with glib mamggag a bone; pe the bone was so —_— So GiapstonE did sw That the House had bi best leave it alone.— se went into PaLgy a him some prosing s ; But when he came bac There was Se a dozing, He taps to Old CockER et him some figures ; But « when he came back, There was GLADSTONE in sniggers. He went to B, OsBonnz’s .To get him some jeers ; But when he came back, There was GLADSTONE at sneers. He went to the House j To get a Committee; But when he came back, There was oo, sans pity. se went to the Schedules- s0.get a strong yo : But when he came back, GuapsTons still kept his face. He went to the tea-room To catch a cup flying; And when he came back, There was GLapstoneE white-lying. a went to ee Blue-books t a reply ; But ‘a m he came back, There was GLADSTONE sky-high, He went to the Lobby To get a division; And when he came back, GLADSTONE grinned in derision. He went to the table To get him a tale; And when he came back, ' ; There was GLADSTONE quite pale. | For ’twas found when the votes The tellers had reckoned, That Hussarp stood first, ‘And GuapsTonz stood second. 3 Hovpsarp he made a court’sy, GuapsToneE fe made a bow; Husparp said, “ How d’ ye feel?” GLADSTONE answered, “ Bow-wow!” A Consuming Extravagance. We know a friend of ours, a confirmed young Razien, who, like Vesuvius, has always got either fire or smoke at his mouth; but he com- plains megs of the expense. ‘He says smoking will burn a hole in a bank-note in no time: only regret is, that a cigar does not, as soon as it is consumed, rise again like a Pheenix from its own ashes ! PROCRASTINATION Is THE Turer oF TALENT. —lInscRIPTION FOR THE REVERSE OF CERTAIN Tue Reat Atconotic Test.—Drunkenness, } Inpr1an Prize Money.—Delhis are Dangerous. —

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Marcu 2, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. li ij SNOOKS HAS JOINED A MOUNTED CORPS. Snooks, “ SpLENDID CREECHUR—AIN’T HE ? BLESS YOU, HE’S A PERFECT Broke CHARGER, You SHOULD SEE HIM IN HIS ACCOUTREMENTS. Was in tae Horse Guagps once. Gors in Harness 700, I BELIEVE!” PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. February 18, Monday, The Roll of the Lords has been made up, for the present Session, and it shows that our Upper Chamber contains, or rather ought to contain, 1 Prince, 1 King, 27 Dukes, 35 Marquises, 170 Earls, 31 Viscounts, and 162 Barons, altogether 457 Nobles. But it seems that, strong as the noble company is, it is “ unfashionable to attend the House of Lords,” and when the Lornp CaanceLior took his seat to-night there were 7 Peers present. At no time were there more than 39 noble Articles furnishing the chamber. Lonp Puncu may take occasion to attend, one of these nights, and may have something to say about the absentees. The Select Vestry had nothing very interesting before it, except a little discussion on the short-comings of the other Select Vestry called the Board of Works, which Rex Tawarrtes defended, in a letter of regal hauteur. The Commons went to work in Committee on the Bankruptcy Bill, which was also discussed on other nights. Much progress was made. | H The grand feature of the Bill, the abolishing the difference in the position of the Trader and the Non-Trader, fills the world of non- traders with a non-unreasonable terror. A whole phalanx of lawyers declares that as the Bill stands, a man has but to shut up his house, and be off for a tour to Switzerland, without paying up his tailor (and who, Mr. Punch ra om J asks, pays his tailor in August, or at any other time, if he can he P it? ), and when that Swiss traveller returns home he will find himself a Bankrupt. The law must e a little modified, so as to prevent any such catastrophes. Mr. Punch suggests that if a Sweli affixes an accurately spelt notice on his street-door, after the fashion in the Temple and # other law colonies, saying— Gone to the Pyramids. Return one Act, and this practical ee is hereby placed at the disposal of Sir Ricuarp. The Parochial Assessments Bill was read a Second Time, and Mrz. Henuzy said that the measure was beginning to excite some attention in the country, By the time it has passed, therefore, the country will, it is hoped, have awakened to a consideration of the | of Mr. of these days,” such notice shall bar all proceedings under the new | question whether the Bill was wanted or not. Mr. Henitey seemed alarmed at the power the Bill given to county boards to order maps, because some counties might like their maps made on a very large scale indeed. But as, by the new Electro-Block process, Mr. Punch understands that an object no larger than Viscount WILLIAMs’s views can be expanded with the utmost facility until it is almost as great as Mr. Punch’s own reputation, the cost of maps need not frighten Mr. Hen ey. Tuesday. This was a dies notanda creté albdé, or, at least, a large chalk-mark was made all down Mr. Giapstone’s back. Mr. JouN GeLLipranD Hussparp, Member for Buckingham, and a Conservative, boiled over about the Income-Tax. He brought forward a motion for a Select Committee to sit in judgment upon the Tax, and to inquire whether it could not be more equitably levied. Mr. Guapstone, of course, being “a pot that is soon hot,” also boiled over, on his own account, and resisted the motion, and was especially indignant at Mr. UBBARD’s supporting the view that precarious incomes ought not to be taxed in the same way as those derived from fixed sources. Mr. WHALLEY curiously proposed to assimilate the Tax to the Poor- Rate; but as we shall all be upon the Poor-Rate if taxation on the Gladstonian principle proceeds much further, this suggestion seems a mockery. . GELLIBRAND Hvussarp was not to be put down, and, on division, he beat the Ministers by 131 to 127; and Mr. Joun Buu, like a sensible commercial man, resolves to make his clerk GLADSTONE take a holiday, and meantime Mr. Bunt means to examine his own books for himself. The Tax will be gellibranded with the mark of infamy, and whether Mr. Getupranp likes jelly, brandy, or both ey ge he is hereby authorised to go and treat himself at the expense unch, The Lords treated themselves to a China debate, originated by Eart Grey, who proved, to his own satisfaction, that everything, pacific or bellicose, which we have done in China, has been done vrongly. and Lorp ELLENBorovcH was much of the same opinion. Lornp Woprnovss did the defensive for Government. — ; In the Commons, Mr. Locxe Kine was allowed to introduce a Bill

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96 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Maron 2, 1861. for lowering the county franchise to £10, and Mr. Bainzs was allowed to bring in another Bill for lowering the borough franchise to £6. Now these two measures together make rather a large Reform Bill, and the conduct of Parliament in declining to have one whole Reform Bill, but taking it in two pieces, reminds 4/r. Punch of a celebrated story by the late lamented Reverenp Mr Sterne. That clergyman (who, by the way, wrote better English than Dr. Vittrers, and other priests of the present day), relates that two holy nuns were driving a mule that ought to have drawn their vehicle from the convent toa certain shrine. But the mule, finding that he had only two gentle ladies behind him instead of a slashing swearing driver, basely stuck fast, and would not move. The young ladies tried every means to get him on in vain. At last it occurred to them that the beast had been in the habit .of being urged on by bad langaage, and would not move unless a naughty word were used to him. Somehow, convent- bred though they were, the pretty creatures happened to know one naughty word, Mr. Punch does not know one, but it is suggested to him that it may have been ‘‘ Devil.” But of course the girls were not going to commit the sin of saying this, and a bright thought struck them. “ Let us divide the word,” said the holy Constantia to the holyEata, “and then there will be no sin, as neither will have said the word.” So “De,” cried the sweet voice of Emi, “ Vil,” cried the sweet voice of ConsTanTiA, and on, let us hope, went the mule. Divide the word, says Parliament, let Mn. King say “Re,” and let Mr. Barnes say “Form,” and on we go. However, though neither Lorp Pat- MeRSTON nor Mr. DisraEui showed fight, they gave no promise not to fight hereafter, and the Premrer declared that this was not a time for action, but for “waiting.” Perhaps he is right, and if we wait for the waggon we shall all have a ride. 1 Morton Peto brought in a Bill for providing for the better interment of Dissenters, It was not opposed, and indeed we believe that in the excess of his liberality, Mn. Nswprcars said that he should be happy to see them all buried. Sm M. Pzro is building largely at Southend, which looks as if he had a design for burying his co-religionists alive. We . Divers people in Southwark, sent by Mr. Locks, a tition for Reform. Mr. Punch particularly recommends them to look at ne oe make their own district decent before they begin to complain of other people. He had the misfortune to be in Southwark twice this week, and the foul state of thestreets made him regret that he had permitted his friend Mr. Layanrp to stand for a place where you stand ancle-deep in mud. And apropos of this, Mr. Punch observes that the Reverenp Mr. Spurceon has been alluding to Mr. P., and thanking him, respectfully enough, for putting in Mr. Layarp. This isall very well, but if Southwark thinks that because she’ did her duty on one occasion, she may neglect it afterwards, she is as much mistaken as ever was a slatternly maid-servant, who, because she is kind to the children, thinks that she may be saucy to her mistress, and_take five- and-twenty minutes in fetching the supper beer. To-day Mr. Hap- FIELD moved the Second Reading of a Bill for getting rid of the declara- tion which office-holders under the Crown have to make, namely that they will do nothing to injure the Church of England. Mr. Newne- GATE thought that this was a safeguard of the Church, but Sir G. Lewis, who is not troubled with too much faith in superstitions, said that sucha safe-guard was ideal and fanciful. Battle was given, and the Bill read a Second Time by 93 to 80. Who will move its strangula- tion in the Lords? The Dissenters are winning the tricks at the beginning of the e—a Bill for letting them in to manage schools that were endowed before Dissent was invented, was read a Second Time, by 164 to 157. Mn. Ditiwrn seemed to think that all such arrange- ments should follow the ch: of opinion. “The blasphemy of one age is the religion of another,” wrote a philosopher. _ Thursday. Lory SrraTuEpen, son of the Chancellor, made a neat little reform speech, and a neat little Latin quotation, which has been heard of once or twice before, like his Papa’s historical blunders. In the Commons, a Catholic nobleman, who some time ago did society the good service of saving a rich heiress from a gang of greedy priests, did a less wise thing in asking Lorp Joun Russe.1 to inter- pose with the Kine or Iraty in behalf of the scoundrels, who, hired y Rome, are still committing crimes in the South. _Lorp Joun, with becoming indignation, told Lorp Epwarp Howarp that it was not the Sardinians who had practised cruelties in the late war, but that when ruffians were taken in arms, the best way to deal with them is the shortest. The rancour of the priest-party, just now, against Italian freedom, would be amusing were it not pitiable. But Italy may say to that crawling venomous party, in SHELLEY’s words :— “ Well, if thou wilt—as ’tis the destiny Of trodden worms to writhe till they be dead, Put forth thy might.” Friday, Lory HeRpert made a clean breast of it about the Tippe- ey Artillery. The fact was that he had seen some 800 fine fellows, and wanted to grab them for the Service. In his eagerness, he offered them what it was not in his power to give; and as soon as he found out the state of the case, he put an end to the bargain. How much better this sort of frankness is than the usual military mystification and bluster. No doubt the toadies at the Horse Guards are quite indignant with the Secretary and the Duke for not telling some rigmarole story, with a bit of the Army List, and a quotation from the Duke or WELLINGTON in it, and winding up with a wish that, if noblemen are expected to do the work of the country, they might at least be freed from the impertinent control of civilians and anonymous writers in journals. + Heaps of small matters came up in the Commons, but Mr. Punch, on boiling them down, finds very little at the bottom of his saucepan. Mr. Moncxroy Mites obtained leave to bring in a Bill for allowing Epwix to marry the sister of his departed AnceLra, and as the parsons have crotchets on the subject, it is mageeed that a marriage before a registrar shall answer the purpose. Mr. WaLPo.e promised to oppose the Bill on rational grounds, and not with texts, which is some- thing gained; and Mr. Scurty said that having obtained the opinion of the ladies of Ireland, which was — the Bill, he would, before the next reading, descend among the lower classes, and ascertain what they thought of the measure, an undertaking which gave great satis- faction to the House. HIPWRECKS caused by the violent gales and storms that have heen prevailing ever since the commencement of the year, afford too much confirmation to the proverb which says, that misfortunes never come single. But whilst those calamities have been coming in a crowd, they have been accompanied by acorresponding multitude of compensating facts. On the one hand, you cannot open a newspaper without being harrowed by an ac- count of a shipwreck ; on the other, without being gratified by the notice of an act of heroism, consisting in the rescue of shipwrecked suf- erers, and performed in the face of imminent danger, by the crew of a life-boat. Great rogues turn up with a frequency which explains the popular comparison, “‘as : thick as thieves.” But gallant fellows come out in greater numbers both simultaneously and in succession. “Heroism” is even a commoner heading in the journals than “ EmpezzLement” or “Daratcation.” These remarks are intended to redound to the honour of the brave seamen who have furnished such ample occasion for them, and also to the credit of the National Life-boat Institution, which, in consideration of those tre- mendous gales of wind that the tight little vessels constructed by it are capable of weathering, must acknowledged to deserve the utmost advantage it can derive from the most favourable puff. A RATTLING GAME. Tax Americans combine pleasure with business in an admirable way. They appear completely to make a game of politics. With them, public life is a beautiful mixture of work and play. This is the way they have been amusing themselves lately in California :— ** California was strong for the Union. Their Assembly had failed to elect a President after 72 ballots.” If they had been playing a pee of backgammon, these Californian -M.P.s could not have rattled the box more merrily. The Assembly does not seem, however, to have gained much by its play, for the only result as yet of all its throwing for a President has simply been to throw him over. We have heard of the “ Hero of a Hundred Fights ;” but we think the above President, when he is elected—and he promises in time to be the “Hero of a Hundred Ballots”—will be even a greater Hero than he; for it is very clear, before he has gone safe et a fire, that he will have been exposed to an infinitely greater number 0: A Notice or Morton.—“ All right! Go on, Brtu!”—Omaibus Conductor. i

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egrernwrTr wv" fF

Manos 9, 1861.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 97

SNS ae 3 <

Weal! l “A CONSUMMATION DEVOUTLY TO: SH 4 BE WISHED.” Axoxition of Church-Rates ! I wish we could get it— But Church rating’s a habit, And who can upset it ? There ’s Broad-Church rates narrow, High-Church rates Low brother— The Guardian and Record, , Are rating each other. There’s Exeter Hall Rates Turks, Papists and Jews ; Convocation is rating Th’ Essays and Reviews, The Church rates the Chapel, ‘The Chapel the Church— Till seekers for Truth Get perplexed in the search. And meas’ring the value Of things by their rarity, Cry “ less of Church rating, And more of Church charity.” Sas eee a

Sir W. Goodenough Hayter, M.P. The Right Man in the Right Place. Avroros of the “ Patronage Secretary,” ob- served a scrupulous M.P. to Bernat Osporne,

** T can’t understand how you contrive to fill up

NEW LEATHERS, TOO! VaRNISH FOR A FRIEND!”

PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Fesruary 25. Monday. The Census of the Lords states that there | were seven of them present when Jonn Lorp Camrsett took his seat, but Mr. Punch’s threat has terrified the Peers, for at one time there were sixty-seven. This is better, but where were the others? Lorp SrRATFORD DE ReEpcLirrE entered into the Syrian question, on which he wanted information, but Lorp Woprnovuse declined to give him any, on the ground that a Conference on the question was being held in Paris. He was, however, happy to say that the Turkish Govern- | ment had been very energetic in punishing the Druses, though the | Christians had shown themselves a little unworthy of the protection they had received, for as soon as the presence of troops had made them safe, they had massacred 136 persons, of whom 25 were women and 86 children. But the lay Christians were milk-and-water people, com- | pared to the a the bishops having demanded the execution of 4,500 out of 11,000 Druses, and upon being requested to revise their little butcher’s me. had sent in a new claim for 1,200 lives. Lorp WopexovseE urged, therefore, that it was difficult to meet the views of Oriental Christianity. The Commons worked away at the Bankruptcy Bill, and some very | sensible things were said by various people. The ATTORNEY-GENERAL strongly condemned the conduct of rascals who give unlimited credit to young men, and lead them into extravagance and profligacy, because | one day they will come into property, and he explained that he had no | idea of doing anything for such creditors. The merciful principle that | when a man has given up all that he has to his creditors, he shall be | free for a fresh start in life, unmolested by old eb claims, was strongly insisted on. The Committee had knocked off nearly 200 clauses before rising. The Bill for bestowing the forfeited seats was read a Second | Time, Mr. Baxter claiming a Member for the Scottish Universities, Mr, Bentinck protesting against there being any more Metropolitan Members, who were an Inconvenience to the House, Mr. Peacock proposing that the new Members should be elected by the working classes, Mr. Buackpurn ridiculing Chelsea and Kensington as places | where they grew only cauliflowers and asparagus, and various other Mem- bers contradicting and abusing one another. The carrying the Second Reading did not commit the House to the appropriation of the seats. Tuesday. The BisHor or Oxrorp moved the Second Readings of two | Bills, designed for the protection of feaale purity among the humbler | classes; but both Bills were poch-poohed out of the House by the Lorp CHANCELLOR, Keeper of the Queen’s conscience, and by Lorp | GRANVILLE, President of the Council. the place. One would think everybody ,would be either too pood, or too bad for it.” “ Exactly,” said Bernat. “ That’s precisely

| Jones (very particular man). “H’m ! THis COMES OF BRINGING DOWN A BortLe or Huntrnc| the reason HayTER was the one man for the | work, He was “good enough.”

Mr. Tom DuncomseE gave notice, that when the Census shall have been taken, he shall move the House upon the question of Reform. Had not the Numerators better be told to append to the Census papers this question for the Head of the Family—“ What is the opinion of yourself, Mrs Caput, Araminta, Juiia, CHARLES, Tommy, and Bay upon the British Constitution?” Sm C.{Woop being asked, when the Delhi and Lucknow prize-money would be distributed, replied, “As soon as the Rolls have been sent from India.” A very proper answer, as many of the poor soldiers are really in want of br Cavalry and Artillery officers object to feed their horses, or rather want to saddle the country with the expense of feeding their chargers. The swell officers in the House of course severally intimated in the most throaty manner that it was a cust inf— something shame to make fellahs pay—a—a—eight-pence rake | aday for their horses; but Mr. FREDERICK PEEL was unconvinced by throatiness, and reminded the gallant parties that they had been good enough to accept their com- missions and ri the understanding that this deduction was to be made, an R. BerRNaL OspoRNE made some good fun at the expense of the poor Cavalry officers who wanted “relief” out of the money of the tax-payers. The House eliminated the horsey proposition by 2138 to 56. Mr. Hopexison brought in a Bill for preventing Frivolous De- fences to Actions for recovery of small debts. The Soticrror-Genez- RAL promised to see whether the measure were harmless. It.seems rather foolish, for it proposes that a debtor shall not defend until he has made an affidavit that he has a good defence. A man who will make a fraudulent defence will generally make a false affidavit, and besides, if he happens to have any conscience, his attorney will remove his scruples by assuring him that the affidavit is mere matter of form, and indeed, more reasonably, by asking him how he knows whether a defence is or is not good in law. hy, judges defend the plea of “Not Guilty,” on the ground that an ignorant criminal does not know whether he is properly charged. The measure seems to Mr. Punch as calculated to increase attorney’s costs, and when he hears of a Bill of that kind he involuntarily bursts out into exquisite song, with words that Mapame Vestris as Don Giovanni used to deliver so brilliantly some years ago. Mr. Punch remembers the words, because in those days singers sang words, instead of making noises in imitation of musical instruments :— “ I saw by the wigs that so greasefully curled, All down their lank cheeks, that they wanted a Fee, And I said, if I had but a pound in the world, Those demons of lawyers would take it from me.”

VOL, XL,

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98 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marca 9, 1861, Mr. Cave made an excellent speech on the Slave Trade, showing the failure of our endeavours to put it down, and urging that we ought to promote free es especially from China, into the West India Colonies. Lorps Jomn Russext and PALMEeRsToN were animated in their replies, and denounced both the American and the Spanish Government, Lorn Jonn stating that in answer to the petulance of the former, he had assured Mz. Bucnanan that no diplomatic imper- tinences should prevent the = minister from protesting against humbug in the matter, and the Premrer, characterising the 0! Spain as profligate (cheers), shameless (cheers), and disgraceful bad faith (cheers). He did not think immigration was a matter for Govern- ment interference, Wednesday is the Sunday of the House of Commons. That is, at this Morning Sitting questions of .a religious character, or eonnected with ecclesiastical matters, are usually discussed. came on the grand Chureh-Rate battle. Both sides had whipped a a my ts but “the wisdom of kindness” was strongly illustrated. fr. ch, and very likely many millions of his readers, may have seen im the win- dows a print of two sweeps mounted on two jackasses, and racing. The loser is simply flogging, but the winner holds a few inches before his donkey’s nose a bunch of tempting carrots, after which the ereature struggles with an energy that defeats his coerced e. } the new Conservative Whip did his duty like a man, and brought up his rank and file exceedingly well; but the Liberal Whip bad got the ques- tion fixed for a day in the evening of which 365 of his party were going to dine in honour of Sin Wiitiam Harter. So the carrots did the business, and after a short, smart debate, the best bits of which were an utterly irrelevant speech of Mz. Bricut’s against the sélling the livings of live Parsons, and some curious discussions about the famous Essays and Reviews, Sin Joun TRELAWNY carried the Reading of the Abolition Bill by 281 to 266, majority 15. Fifty more Members voted thancame up to the same scratch last year; the Church party (GLapstonz and Frep. Per. voting with them) had thirty-two more votes than last year; ten Tories voted for the Bill, and ten Liberals inst. it, and the majority for the Bill, last year, was 9. These are ioitowier Star's statistics, and anybody who likes to boil them up with the aforesaid carrots is welcome to the result. The subsequent dinner to the ex-whip of nine years, Srm WILLIAM Hayter, deserves to be mentioned in Parliamentary history. | Paw | took the Chair; there was present a Member for every day in the | year; a splendid testimonial was given to the genial ex-political Secre- tary, who, it used to be said, looked, in the House, like Napo.zon | with a tight boot upon his mind; and the Premier made a capital speech, in which he attributed to Sin WiL11aM nearly all the virtues that, according to Porg, belonged to a divine of his days :— ** To Berkeley, every virtue under heaven.” f | adverted to the way in which valuabl Well, | could not interfere. LYVEDEN, we mean, as you have introduced him. Glad to see you, ae You’ll have to learn to be bored, but not to-night, for /ERBY ’s up. A long speech from Lorp Dersy, in which he dwelt, eloquently of course, upon the hardship inflicted on the labouring classes, by the perpetualeutting up of “low districts” in London, for the sake of —- tga _The wholesale demolitions contemplated by sever: companies furnished the immediate text. He also . e public buildings were sacrificed for the sameobject, and specially mentioned the London Institution, which had been established by Act of Parliament, at a cost of £30,000, and contained a magnificent library, theatre, and ing- and , many years an invaluable boon to the inhabi Finsbury. ‘This, with the pleasant circus, it was for the sake of a railway that was to come from to places where nobed took the sume side, and gave demoralising overcrowding of the ‘of the destruction of so many of their‘homes. Lox» NVILLE Made SsarresBun’ eciunearnce of the odious and | of the im Consequence | the usual stereotype answer, that the matter must be ieft to public | opinion, that to dive out of town and come in J Mr. Punch - apenrtne te a wo the p cent: erminus of a railway system, dome will be utilised. Wi Nzxisox, there may still remain ohn! Baten and, the sonsecrated, victims of accidents may at once receive interment with- out extra charge or trouble. — In the Commons, Mz. Carrp urged that as the last harvest had not been good, Ministers ought to be very ‘ecopomical, and in a Syrian debate Ma. Layanp made his first speech siwee his return, forcibl pointing out the impolicy of the mode in which Turkey is being treated, ic a for making St. Paul’s ~ chen ie nitenie, and spending money did the poor geod, that workmen ought | by trains, bat anybow, Government | is, Of course, with his Iuordship, | and others deposited | building being | and the one-sided view which, for French purposes, Hurope had been | taught to take of the Lebanon disasters. To-night and next night were held debates of real importance on our Admiralty system, which does not appear to have much mended since | the day when Pzrys recorded his having assisted at a added, “But, Lord, to see how like Fools we talked!” Committee is to consider the whole system. Friday. Lory Normaysy delivered a long and feeble speech, full of gossip and chatter, against the new régime in Italy, and he proved two oard, and A Select | | | things ; first, that his opinions on the subject are not worth a daiocco, | and secondly, that the old fribble is immeasurably disgusted with a change which has transformed into a land of freemen and soldiers “* A land of singing and of dancing slaves.” The Commons Coxversazione was very miscellaneous, but the only Thursday. Saspys—Sarpys? Loxp PuncH seems to remember | thing worth mention was a sort of comfortable impression gathered by thename. O—ts—ts—why, to besure, Marcus Hitt! How are you, Mancus? Show him where to sit, Forzy—or you, SmirH—our boy, | Mr. Punch, rather than derived from any specific statement, that some- | thing really will be done some day towards Embanking the Thames, CONFEDERATES AND UNITED STATESMEN. ne Convention of the six seceding Southern States, South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Ala- bama, Mississippi, and Louisiana, assembled at Montgomery, Ala- bama, on the 9th ult., adopted a constitution of their own, which they have named “The Constitution for the Provisional Govern- ment of the Confede- rate States of America.” The Southern Seces- sionists must be ad- mitted to be blest with at least the philosophi- cal virtue of self-know- ledge. They term their new league the “Con- federate States of Ame- ‘ rica.” ‘Thus they call themselves by what they doubtiess feel to be theic right name. They are confederates in the crime of upholding Slavery. A correct esti- mate of their moral position is manifest in that distinctive denomi- nation of theirs, “Confederate States.” This title is a beautiful antithesis to that of the United States of America. The more doggedly confederate slavemongers combine, the more firmly good republicans should unite. “CORRUPT PRACTICES.” Tue wife of an M.P. wishes devoutly that, “amongst the Parlia- mentary ‘Corrupt Practices’ that are to be reformed this Session, the practice of keeping such very late hours may be slightly modified.” It is abominable, she contends, to see‘a Legislator, who should set a proper example to others, coming home with the milk, just as the children are getting up. As they meet him on the staircase, going up to bed, what can the little dears possibly think of their Papa? The first government of a man, who professes to be a good,patriot, should be his own home; but how can he govern his home when he is absent from it both night and day? At the time that all other houses and she maintains that it isn’t respectable. later than ten minutes after the Opera, and could call for her husband and take him home. t ought never to close then a Member’s wife A Good Licking. Txe height, or depth, of profane adulation was surely arrived at by the French Senate in the antithesis presented by the following extract from their address to their Imperial master :— heard the Ze Dewm for the Lord, and the Domine Salwum for the Emperor.” Louis Narotgon smokes. In the presente of his Senators he will never want a spittoon, THE PRICE OF CHEESE. Reverend Father-in-Law. are Closed, the House of Commons is the only one that keeps open; | \ | } } * Tt was a fine day that on which, in the centre of the restored Cathedral, were | | Tue Bisnor or Duruam. will henceforth be styled The Right |

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MaBou 9, 1861.) _ PUNCH, OX THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

A SHAVE FOR THE SOLDIER. REFORMING THE REFORMER. =. Bmrmae « aoerw a FB eew FS =” +~ * UBJOINED is an an- nouncement which has been made on the best authority :— “Tae Guarps.—We hear it mentioned as most pro- bable that Masor-GenERaL Crawrvurn, late of the Gre- nadier Guards, will succeed to the command of the Bri- gade of Guards whieh will be vacated by Lernw Rexresy on the Istof April next.” The First of April is a day on which unsus- pecting juvenile inno- cence is wont to he de- spatched, by the tical jocularity of l- fellows, on errands for the purchase of those imagmary commodities, “‘strap-oil” and “pi geon’s milk.” It may be feared that the above-quoted is the invention o - less w ; and, with the wi 4 bent has

been purehased by ex- perience, the serious portion of the British Army will no doubt | hesitate in aecepting a | (Improved from “ Original Poems for Infant Minds”) O, Wxo’tt come and, Agitation with me,” My Cozpew ce uae ane ? oh esa Industrious Working men, won’t you be Free ? Let us get up a row of our own. O no, Ma. Buieut, Sir, we can’t come indeed, We’ve no time to idle away; We’ve got all our dear little children to feed, And can do it, we’re happy to say. Small Tradesmen, don’t stick to beef, candles, and flour, | ae pn up a ww with me & ‘el ose grubs w fight for poli er, But say, thinking men, will act you . O no, Mr. Baicur, Sir, for do you not see By our shops we're enabled to thrive ; The way to get on is to work like a bee, } And always be storing the hive. Toeeiigent Middle-class, rise’at the blast Of the trempet of Freedom I play : T hope I shall find a disciple at last, , You are not so busy as they. O no, Ma. Baicur, Sir, we shan’t come to you, We’re not made to cry but to labour; We Goan ne something or other to do—}j If not for oneself, for a neighbour. What then, they’re all busy and happy but me, And I’m bawling here like a dunce : O then I'll be off to where Members should be, And attend to my business at onee.

——z, —_— wv ——— important changes in S the highest of the serviee as destined to take place on the anniversary of All Fools. statement representing [ 4nd, my dears, being a strong and clever boy, he ran down to his place of business, and helped to move and carry several things that were wanted in the House, branches

| Galop, the Kisses Polka, the Cattle Show Quadrille, and other descriptive dance |

NOSE AND EAR IN HARMONY. Tue following paragraph appears in a contemporary :— ‘<A Novetty 1n Imitative Harmony.—After having introduced the Champagne music, accompanied with appropriate sounds, M. Mosarp produced on Wednesday Jast, at St. James’s Hall, a Floral Valse, called ‘‘ Sweet Briar,” during which Mr. Rime, the well-known perfumer of the Strand, diffused the scent of that flower by means of the new process he has already employed for perfuming the Lyceum Theatre.” Thus, whilst the ears are regaled by M. Musarp, Mr. Row«et, administers a corresponding treat to the nose. Thisis a great advance in dance music. BEETHOVEN might perhaps have indicated a particular perfume by some exquisite movement which would have inspired the same serenity and joy, or other delightful state, as that which the per- fume induces on sensitive minds, But Beetuoven himself never, with all his genius, could have composed music simultaneously breathing the odour of sweet briar, and constituting a measure for the multitude to dance to. BreTHOvEN could never thus have mingled sweet briar with capers. Neither, probably, could even M. Mosarp without the aid of Mr. Riwwet. But if, whilst a waltz is being played, a scent-pot is opened, then by that means the connection of sound with sense is fully established, and we know precisely what the composition means besides tiddy-tum-tum, or whatever else it might signify expressed in speech. A Sweet Briar Waltz, illustrated by the pe he sae of real sweet briar, having been successfully produced, every species of scent apper- taining to the toilet will soon be fitted with a dance-musical repre- sentative. Not to mention the necessary rose and the indispensable violet, we shall shortly recognise in every ball-room the aroma of the hop, and be made distinctly aware that youth and beauty are toe-and- heeling it to heliotrope. However, dance music is not the only music that might be appro- priately and advantageously perfumed. There are many popular airs that might be thereby rendered very gratifying to the olfactory nerves. For instance, there is , of Brandy,” there is the “ Roast Beef of Olt England.” Culinary fragrance, and the bouquet of wines and spirits, (please some nostrils more highly than the emanations of the sweetest flowers. Alimentary and Terpsichorean music might be com- bined. The Irish Stew Waltz would doubtless be a great success— the performance of the waltz being accompanied by the liberation of the fumes of the stew. It has long been objected to the lighter kinds of music, that they merely captivate the public ear. Now, being per- fumed whilst they are played, they will also lead people by the nose. Since writing the above observations it has occurred to us, that th!

accompaniment to hunting songs might be so scented as to savour of the stable, to which many are partial. Also that when M. Musarp at St. James’s Hall introduced the Cattle Show, Mz. Raum. might have assisted him in expressing the idea of it. The breath of the cow is proverbially sweet. A useful caution might be conveyed in the odour of a quadrille, which might be called “‘ Zhe Crinoline,” and whereof the olfactory illustration might be the smell of fire.

HAUSSE ET BAISSE. HAUSSE. I sez a Brass Colossus, thinly gilt, Upon two feet of varnished clay up-built, Holding a huge mud-bubble, where doth waver, The iridescence of Imperial favour. BAISSE, The gold upon the brass is rent and tarnished, | The lacquer cracks with which the clay was varnished, A sudden cloud blots out the inper Iris, The huge mud-bubble bursts, and Mrrzs mire is.

“An Abode of’Earthly Bliss Admirably adapted for a Gentleman of Taste and Fortune.” lr seems from the Police Reports that not less than 300 burglars and ticket-of-leave men are enjoying themselves in Manchester at this particular moment. hat industrious town, with its azure sky and sweet pastoral walks, always struck us as the most charming spot in the world for a residence, and just now that it is so full of company, it must have still greater attractions thanever. We did think of going to Hastings, or Brighton, at this dull time of the year, just for o—- of air and scene for three or four weeks, but shall decidedly give the preference now to Manchester.

Imperial Reverses. Wuen Louis Narotzon put down the Red Republic, he was, according to the priest party, the “Saviour of Society.” Now the Bisnop oF Poitiers s him Pontius Pitate. According to that Prelate he is the Pilate of the Creed; whereas only the other day the French clergy regarded him as the pilot who weathered; the torm.

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| : | — ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 9, 1861. UH fe DI SNS % VSWNS ~~ al ' ; Hil HY) *% Xo Hers mn Orrictous URCHIN RUSHES TO OPEN CaRRIAGE-DOOR. JOHN AND THOMAS, TO USE THEIR OWN FHRASE, ARE ‘‘ COMPLETELY NonpPLusHep ! ” WILL HAYTER. Ain—“ Tom Moody.” You all knew Witt Hayter, the Whipper-in, well, From all whips of his time honest. W1ut bore the bell. In cover how pleasant to see him at work, A hot hound now rating, now pressing a shirk : No young ’un e’er opened, with Wi1t near the wood, But he’d challenge, and find reasons why, if he could: Then, the pack at full cry, how inspiring his cheer, When he led on the field, “Hark to Pam there, Hear, Hear! High! wind him—and cross him— Now RussEwu boy! Hear!” One hundred and sixty, in blue and buff drest, To present honest W111’s testimonial pressed. The meet it was Wit11s’s Rooms, where the board, By the right sort was graced, *neath the wing of my Lord. Wit’s Treasury hacks round the room did parade, O’er each saddle a whip as his trophy was laid. Ah, no more at his voice will those backs go the pace, Nor the lobbies re-echo Old Wit in the chace— His “ Question !””—now press him! Divide—vide—divide ! Quoth Wx to his friends, when they ’d drunk to his health, ** T may blush to find fame, who’ve still done good by stealth. I rode up to my hounds and stuck close to their skirts, But this plate and this dinner o’erbear my deserts. hen I’m given up for gone, this last favour I crave, Just ring the division bell over my grave. And unless at that warning I lift up my head, a boys, you may fairly conclude 1 am dead.” ith a Hip, Hip, Hooray! Old Wit1’s patrons replied, d as all were one mind, ’twas no use to Divide. With a “Spoke! Oh—Oh !—Question! Divide—vide—Divide ! ” SUPERNATURAL SWINDLE. Accorpine to the Unita Italiana of Genoa, several Pontifical | | soldiers, having been made prisoners, had arrived in that port. These | | fellows were all provided with a paper inscribed with the following | words :— | | “Reserve Corps of the Holy See; 100 years of plenary indulgence to whoever takes arms against the excommunicated King. Signed : UaRDINAL DE ANGELIS.” Of course, a century of plenary indulgence could hardly be enjoyed in this world, and must be taken to mean an advantage to be conferred | in the other; remission, for so long, of purgatorial pains. In short, the indulgence, if it were not a mere humbug, would entitle the holder to a discharge from the prison of purgatory, so many years before, in the regular way, his term of imprisonment would expire. | | | | | |'Thus the warrant of release above described, which the Pontifical | soldiers were furnished with, was a spiritual ticket of leave. ‘The | Pore’s troops being largely composed of brigands and banditti, were | no doubt qualified in every respect, except amendment of life, to be | not only spiritually, but also, in a natural sense, ticket-of-leave men. | As to CARDINAL DE ANGELIS, whose signature was appended to the | foregoing note of redemption from future punishment, he may call himself pz AnceELis, but he must consider himself to be far above all the Angels. Yet the Cardinal is only the Porg’s deputy, so that the altitude assumed for His Holiness is still greater than that pretended to by his Eminence. When an old priest, to induce cut-throats to fight against an “excommunicated King,” bribes the rascals with cheques on the Bank of Divine Justice, to ‘be presented in the other world, the altitude that he has attained to is evidently that of absurdity or swindling. CREME DE LA CREME. Ir is quite a mistake to mg that the Rev. Epwarp CuEzsE— the distinguished son-in-law of the Bishop or Duruam, and the new incumbent of Haughton le Skerne—is of humble origin. We are assured that he is of a very old family in Cheshire.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— Marca 9, 1861.

a a a8 if; <2

nw reas hy en : ar Oe as —— SS a ————

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THE DURHAM CHEESE. Bisuor (to Nezpy Ciercyman), “I AM EXCEEDINGLY SORRY, DEAR BROTHER IN THE CHURCH, BUT YOU SEE I HAVE NOT A DROP LEFT FOR YOU. I HAVE POURED IT ALL INTO MY CHEESE.”

* a 2,22! a .

z r * hance - te e718 ° | .

Page 118

Page 119

Manca.9, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 108 THE GOOD OLD DAYS OF JOSEPH HUME. I Suva, I of times over, When ees eal if not in clover, A REDUGED HIGHNESS. Tax Journal de Monaooypdlishes the subjoined imposing announce ment :— Were free from alarm as to what the French meant, * On the 2nd of F + P hich his Most Serene When; instead of pring for ew defences, nips hacia amenities at Na We tried to cut down all such expenses, pray frets es cing: in the estimat truetion, Even before the cession «if @he ae ba gene which the a ar cmepenel | Redaction. tentate of whose dominions they formed part has sold to Louis Sing hey, sing ho, in sorrow and gloom, — for £1 “and ‘a consideration of certain private pro- in land, the of Monaco was about the smallest in the i 4% Fer the good old "days of Joszrn Hume! When France was not than England stronger, And we thought that war would be no longer ; When the Millennium we expected, ‘And our Army and Navy alike neglected ; Talked of swords into ploughshares turning, And gunpowder only for pastime burning, In fir yworks, or on stubble or heather, And hons and lambs lying down together. Sing hey, sing ho! &c. co It is now less than ever it was, and its Prince has become a sovereign @f significance ‘smaller than that very limited amount that he been previously with. It does therefore seem cruelly ironical to deseribe such a as his Most Serene _ hness. Saree, to be eure, he may = “even in the superlative and his habitual enemy may have been much increased by the ~ duseney so much richer than he was before. The Sindwntion of his@omain willyperhaps have enabled him to see now right over the whole«f i from one ‘spot, and to reflect, with stricter truth and more heartfelt womplacency, that he is monarch of all he | surveys. But to ‘this little Prince the title of Highness is to f When young men thought they acted wise in mock the downess of Wis: stature, So diminutive a Royal per- Cultivating Arts, and Arms despising ; sonage had better be ivis Most Serene Bxiguity. He was already When--ah, how much folks were mistaken !— the THume of Royalty, endl ‘be ‘bow comes out as a Martial studies were forsaken. mannikin who has decreased from the standard of a dwarf. The Evpsmon or Tae Frence ‘will soon, ick be wil Bo present him with a pair eae ee get, and sink out of sight, im that mammer hiding his @iminished But swords and bayonets in these days are Furbished, s as needle and razor, Soldiers and sailors all hard drilling For practice in the art of killing, Ding hey, sing ho! &. har old Brown Bess her purpose suited, aah = een of Weapons then reputed, The Rifles were a mere Brigade then, Because we thought of little but trade then ; {PREVENTION BETTER THAN PUNISHMENT. Tx country is warmly to be congratulated on the criminal convictions which late years have "ppresoes fre But now each man has his Enfield Rifle, And that, alone, doesn’t cost a trifle ; Then Armstron guns, and shells, and mortars We must provide to guard all quarters. Sing hey, sing ho! &c. the North of England. Owing to the praise’ economy of Government, the allowance to witnesses attending Re has reduced to a sum which is about three times less than the wages which a workman in telerably good employment at Manchester, for example, would earn by his labour, By waiting a gee perhaps, about a Court to give’evidence when his case came on, he would lose the difference, amounting, for him, to a tremendous sacrifice, Prosecutions, as well as When men would have been accounted dreamers Who talked of a fleet of war screw-steamers, con are consequently diminishing rate, mall When we, by wooden walls defended, a of upon the Gounty rates, ot naividaale Pao oe | Against attack, on wood depended. depredations committed in the belief that crime will go unpunished, But now we find we must environ but other ay ae in declining to subserve the ends of anon With iron walls must be surrounded, ising thine pulled, ws answers ~ oh on Soe ef economy. Some people That iron costing tin unbounded. are not robbed if other people are. When the inoeiheanney with which hey, sing ho! &c. witnenste Sk wack om eee, oe en When self-protection asked but flannel ; wapence , . . practitioners But now that steam has bridged the Channel, reformed out of business, it is obvious t the fi ity — Hach freeborn Briton has occasion : theusaes _ To hold his own against invasion ; : | 7 Mag eae a ey se yea ike bees—with stings about them—swarming : That is the cheapest way to do it ; " courts of Our isle with vessels cased in iron, adopted that the impunity of offenders who Eres tion will never occasion the ordinary suis te bu diguesedad ty ceyteivansl of ee, But times are re , and how we rue it! Justice Lyxcu, Sing hey, sing ho! &. A TAKING FASHION. Naval Etiquette. Ir is extraordinary what thieves owe to the fashions. This is their last debt, and one that they are never likely to repay, unless made to Tue stern of the Black Prince, the new iron-cased screw frigate just | do so by ‘the strong hand of justice :— | jaunched, is waprotected by armour. It is almost as the heel of} « French letenadt ACHILLES ; but not quite. The Black Prince is vulnerable in the PP Berber 3 portant aes for ~ deepened on the ~~ ain onvemaeel stern, Unfortunately she is also vulnerable in the stem. She has no —— previ ng worn loosely away from the lady, ample opportunity | helmet, whict: is worse than being undefended about the helm. ‘There, | ®*Morded to cut the dress and get at the purse without detection. | indeed, a Pritish frigate is no more in need of fortification than a We are not surprised, however, at its favouring the eoapaily of Britisheso’dier or sailor, Our gallant fellows have their hearts in the | thieves, when we w that Crinoline itself is, im the generality of right places, and never would require to wear breastplates on the | cases, stro attached to steel. It be called th fect f wrong. What if the Black Prince is bare behind? A vessel of the| the fashion.” y 2 soa $ (oe coaremeair | British navy never shows an enemy her stern. Two French Idols. AN OLD OFFENDER. Ata late. a of the Geological Society a valuable paper was en oe rag canons > a would both be divine; read on “ Flints in the Drift.” An old gentleman who was present on Anda Bish ee fanatical ~ al ) that occasion remarked, that he did not see the drift of the learned , | lecturer’s observations, “A Crcutar Nots.”—The first Circular Note, we should think, Fanatic oe f must have been a Round Robin, oe adioan th 1f Naroneon is Pitate whom calls he the Porz ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Manca 9, 1861. PROPOSED NEW STYLE OF WHISK-AR. OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. “Dear Puncn, ‘THe question What is a Pantomime? the other day was mooted in one of the Police Courts; and though authors, actors, and managers were summoned, nobody seemed to know exactly how to answer it. One experienced witness stated that a pantomime should properly have ‘something of a plot ;’ and being pressed for explana- tion of this perplexing phrase, he said that if two persons fell in love and then jumped into the Serpentine, their case would constitute the * something’ that was needful for a ‘plot.’ Another thought that Pantomimes ‘should have a simple plot, lovers thwarted first by demons and then rescued by peed fairies ;’ in which opinion, Mr. Punch, I thoroughly concur ; only 1 would add that, when the rescuing takes place, the change of harlequin and columbine should be the work of he good fairy, while that of pantaloon and clown should be effected by the bad one: the latter couple being sent to plague the lovers in their progress to the Beauteous Bowers of Bliss. 3 “But whatever were their notions as to what might be held pro- perly to constitute a plot, all the witnesses agreed, that in the Panto- mimes this season the writing has been quite a secondary matter, the stage effects and scenery being deemed by far the first. Now, without boring the ears of your intelligent readers with sighs and groans about the good old Pantomimic times, I must just state my firm conviction, that the Public like to laugh when they go to see a Pantomime, and relish foolery and fun far more than finery and flare. If half the money that is lavished on the Transformation Scene were devoted to procuring better authorship and acting, I think the public would be vastly gainers by the change, and that the Managers in like measure would profit by it. However gorgeous it may be, of course a scene remains the same, and I think, that as a rule, one only cares to see it once: whereas I fancy one would go a dozen times or more to see the ever varying fun of a Grimaldi. But while a Pantomime is treated merely as a peg whereon to hang some splendid scenery, both the author and the actor are slighted and discouraged. The blaze of gas eclipses the sparkle of their wit, and their invention is destroyed by the thought that no one cares for it. _ “Having done my duty by seeing our ‘ great tragedian,’ I have since been taking my pleasure by going where I pleased. But before I give you an account of my late rambles, I must congratulate you and the British nation generally on the fact, that Mr. Kzawn has deferred his trip to Yankeeland, and will appear in town next winter for a few more final nights. Old Drury is announced as the scene of his rentrée ; that is, if Old Drury have not tumbled down betweenwhiles. Of this mishap, however, 1 confess I have some fear; for, according to the critics, the foundations of the house are getting sadly shaky. One of | British art, may I not also own that AUBER is*to my mind not quite them remarked at the performance of the Gamesfer that his (the Great Tragedian’s) ‘ intensity of passion caused the audience to thrill with sympathy, and the house fairly shook with the hg te which he called forth.” Now if a part so flat and heavy as the Gamester coul do this, what must have been the effect of such a wap d roaring character as Cottey Cisper’s Richard! and how thankful should the renters of the theatre all feel that its already shaken walls were not brought down about their ears ! _ “Without the slightest wish to make an odious comparison, may I not just venture the auricular confession of how my ears delighted in the sweet voice of Miss Pynz, after what. had been poured into them at the house so nearly opposite? And without giving offence to my good | friend Mr. But, or being thought to hint a sneer at the advance of | yet excelled by Batrs,and that, pleasant as Bianca undoubtedly may be, the charms of the Black Domino to my taste are more palatable? Such light creamy sparkling music cheers one up as briskly as a glass of good champagne, and gives one no more fear that one will get a headache by it. It will be the public’s fault if the opera should not draw ; for I think that, on the whole, it is a better on the stage than T have ever yet here seen it.. I may add, the English Version fits the music well enough; though I don’t think, Mr. Cuoruey, that a Housekeeper ‘ of the period’ need have been made to talk of some fair girl as ‘that young party.’ “ Another ramble that I made was into the Lyceum, where I found myself exported to the Porte St. Martin. Clever they are, no doubt, but I own I don’t enjoy these blood and thunder pieces. When I go to a theatre I like to be amused, and I don’t want to see extracts from the Newgate Calendar. Moreover, probability is always sacrificed to stage effect, in a way that to a _— plain English mind is most distressing. In the House by Notre Dame \awyer’s clerks and mur- deers clamber over garden walls with needless hurry and agility, when unlocked garden-gates ayieey lie open to them. Whatever it may | be, the comic waiting-maid is always mistress of the situation, and is | not merely the confidante but mistress of her mistress. It is by her permission only that her ‘young lady’ makes love, and either encou- | rages to hope, or drives her lover to distraction. Nor ought any one | stare to see; the waiting-maid turn flowerseller without a syllable of | notice, and then again be servant with no word of explanation, 2 | cause for re-appearance, except to rush into the arms of the comic lawyer’s clerk, and when the curtain falls to drop a curtsey at the footlights, “With regard to the burlesque, you remember Byron’s criticism :— | “* I saw the Crystabel : Very well.” | “To this I need add nothing further, unless that the last scene (a} pele lake of looking-glass, with lilies cropping out of it) was in the lending of colours, really very pretty, and appealed by way of novelty to more senses than one, the nose as well as the eyes being assailed for admiration. “T have not space this week to speak of Mr. Fecurer (I beg your pardon, Mr. Tupper, the name does xof rhyme with “wretch stir ;” in fact, there’s no word in our language. with which it really does rhyme). I can only say Don Cesar was never looked and acted so well as he is now, and folks who are not fools will not miss the chance of seeing ** Yours, until the middle of next week, “One wuHo Pays.” *P.S. Since writing the above, I find that I am censured by one of your contemporaries for describing a new farce as being ‘coarse and stupid,’ and for praising as a contrast the neatness of an older piece. The writer grants me his confession that the farce may be a stupid one, but he denies that (in his opinion) it is coarse, that being, he says, a | matter of ‘fact,’ and not of ‘taste;’ as though a Critic and a coster- | monger saw with the same eyes, and coarseness were a thing viewed in the same light by them both. The farce, moreover, he defends because it is ‘original,’ whereas the other piece he thinks is — unworthy of one’s praise, simply from the fact of its translation from the French. Well, I don’t intend to squabble, but I’m not disposed to grant that original vulgarity is more to be commended than second-hand good taste. Acoustic” Philanthropy. Mr. Cuartes Kean announces that circumstances induce him to forego his visit to America. This does much honour to his good feeling, as in the present condition of the Republic nothing could be more undesirable there than a voice of discord. ART IN ITALY, WE read that Gaéta is reduced almost to a’mass of stones. The next grand work, by St. Mark! may be a new edition of the “Stones of Venice.” It is not improbable that GanrBaLpI may have a hand in the execution of such a work, cor tee ee. ¢* @ ® = nue ‘ Pint ade ( way ee lw 6 eee bt Oo

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Manca 9, 1861.} \ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 105

A SMASH FOR THE ENCORE SWINDLE. E were never more inclined to cry out Bravo! toasinger than when, in the notice of the first night of the 4mber —— the pen tag) Times ritic, among other things, informed us that— “The house was enthusiastic in its demonstrations of approval ; the applause was incessant, and many pieces were re-demanded ; but the singers, in emulation of the example recently set by Mr. Sms ReEevss, and respectfully declined the honour.” Often as Mr. Punch has inveighed swindle of extorting an encore, it delights him to discover that his words, as usual, are i frui has to be extirpated. If sin will but follow the lead of Mr. Re ably decline the honour (!)” of encores, there wi be anend _ to the practice of demani as unfair ' _ repetition of a piece as it would be to ask twice for the change of a bank-note, or, after receiving a shillings to demand another dozen because they were sach composer wishes any strain to be repetition. To to injure the effect that he intended. Now Smita and Brown, who bawl out, “Brayvo! 54 t good ones. Moreover, music suffers by the practice of encores ; and for the interest of art, performers should decline them. Whena i i heard twice, he puts the sign “da capo,” and secures its repeat it when not marked so, is to meddle with his work, and v: i and “ Angcore!” are not such good musicians as Beretuoven or Batre; and even if they were, they have no right to disturb the works of those composers, by getting certain passages repeated at their pleasure, when others of the audience may be annoyed by hearing them. However, from what passed the other evening at Her Majesty’s, it is clear to Mr. Punch that the excore days are numbered, and that another year or two will see them at an end. If singers will but set their faces against the custom, it will be useless for clagueurs to try to give it countenance. When it ceases to succeed, the swindle will die out, and nobody of sense will regret that it has done so. sh snobs may / still go on insisting on encores, and second-rate performers may such calls for compliments, and stupidly comply with them ; but Mr. Punch feels sure that no true gentleman or artist will long uphold a practice which all thoughtful minds condemn, and which is clearly not less unjust than it is injurious. invariably against the

and that the evil he mounced is beginning} A Species of Lion that is Extremely Scarce. : EVEs, and “invari- sculpture-room at the National be about four times the size of the tus hope that its proportions will : . aa ee — f ing them. is i win which are to require the} i decorate the base of the Nelson It is just that they may be _ of the opening of the q e must with pain confess, § land has, as yet, done very little, } aken a rare long time in doing } way of lionising its greatest naval worth of buns,

BRAVO! EASTERN COUNTIES! For the interests of enagy: gr & Punch has so often found it necessary to eo into the directors of the Eastern Counties Railway, that he feels the more delighted to award to them the /udos which by the statement following he is justified in giving :— “* Eastern CountiEes.—It appears that the directors of this Company, at their last meeting, determined to adopt a system of communication between the guard and engine-driver ofa train. This will, in the first instance, be applied to express and fast trains, with a view however to its extension to ordinary trains.” The idea of a “‘ fast” train upon the Eastern Counties Railway is a notion which has never yet occurred to Mr. Punch, who is accustomed to submit, when he travels by that line, to an “Express” that stops five times in less than forty miles, arid is therefore to his mind a very * ordi ” train. How long the parliamentary is doing the like distance, Mr. Punch has never taken the trouble to inquire; but, judging by comparison with other lines he knows, it can hardly be far short of some.six hours on the road. But though it cannot be “ the pace that kills” upon the Eastern Counties, the accidents that happen there have now and then proved fatal; and perhaps nothing will tend to decrease their chance of frequency, so much as the extremely simple course which is proposed. Mr. Punch, who is a not infrequent tra- veller on the line, must feel of course a personal interest in the matter; and although his precious person is abundantly insured, he cannot but rejoice that his <r risk is lessened, and that his Judy may feel easier in her mind than she has done, whenever he trusts his carcase to the Eastern Counties’ care. Mr. Punch would therefore in the falness of his joy, and in his desire to give full credit where the same is fairly due, commend to other boards the example he has quoted, and advise them in the like manner to earn his thanks and praise. As ninety-nine per cent. of the accidents that happen might be prevented were more labour and more vigilance employed, and were there not too often a cheese-paring of expense, it clearly is high time to call a spade a spade, and speak of RatuwaY MANSLAUGHTER by its only proper name. Were there no endanger- ment of human life and limb, directors might be justified in counting up the costs and chances of an accident, and proving that it paid them to incur the risk, rather than to take expensive measures to diminish it. This would clearly be excusable, were loss of property the only loss that could ensue; but it ceases to be pardonable when there is chance of loss of life. Mr. Punch would hold directors responsible in person for the persons of all passengers entrusted to their care; and if

this were so, depend on it invention would be taxed for means whereby ilway risk should be prevented, as far as it be humanly permitted sotodo. Asa step in the right direction, the step of the direction of the long-blamed Eastern Counties appears to Mr. Punch to be worthy of his praise ; and with the stimulus of this reward before their eyes, surely other boards will lose no time in following this course.

A REGULAR FOX CLUB DINNER. At the Testimonial Banquet which, with a Table Ornament, was | given the other day to Sin W. G. Hayter, the toast of the evening | having been proposed by the Noble Premier, who occupied the chair, an honourable gentleman pom in the absence of any professiona vocalist, volunteered to oblige the company with a song appropriate to the occasion, unaccountably not reported. The parliamentary enthu- siast broke out in the good old hunting-strain :— “ You all knew Tom Moopy, the whipper-in, well !” It was expected that the roof which covered the assembly would have come down upon their heads, so violently was it shaken by the laughter and shouts of “ Yoicks!” and “Tally-ho!” and “ Hear, hear !”. wherewith the honourable Member’s performance was accom- | panied by the political foxhunters.

Abuse for Argument. Txose Essays and Reviews How idle to abuse In terms of vague unmeaning condemnation : Do you think the people look For your censure of the book ? No, ye Bishops, but expect your refutation.

Naval Fashions. STEEL corsets are beginning to be worn by frigates, but do not, in the last novelty, come up to the bows in front or descend quite to the other extremity. The sides are pierced with holes for the arms, forming a stylish openwork. Canvas is less employed than formerly, which, during the prevalence of March winds, is not to be regretted.

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106 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAR.. [Maron 9, 1861, I AN Rs \ WBEASSS SSG, Artist (who does not seem to see it). ‘‘ Lucky Fellow /!” Corron Lorp (“coming” the Noble Patron). ‘‘ Haw—ZI was indooced to buy a little Picture oy yours, the other day, Stodge, hawe——” ATP ill | THE BERKELEY PEERACE. JUDGMENT. Tne Law Lords have given judgment in this case, which Mr. plea on which his friend the Old Sailor of Berkeley demanded a Peerage. The Lorp CHANCELLOR said that Sr; Maurice BERKELEY, brother of the late exemplary Lorp FitzHarpIncE, and as brave and dashing a sailor as ever lived, had taken into his old head, that because he had got Berkeley Castle, he ought to be a Peer, having some notion that castles and coronets went together. He, the Lorp CuancrLior, was not going to enter into an historical essay upon the BeRKELEYs, for by some accident or other, his historical efforts were not generally thought so valuable as he himself knew them to be. But he would proceed to the painful duty of informing the Old Sailor, that if be particularly wanted a coronet, he must try after it in some other way. It was not for the Lorp CHANCELLOR to point out that way, though he him- self, having professed the most democratic principles, and nevertheless having got two coronets into his family, might be supposed an authority upon the subject. He had only to apprise Sm Maurice that his endeavour to “cut out” a peerage as he cut out the enemy’s scbooner in 1880—— £ Sim Maurice BERKELEY requested the noble Lord and lubber to avast there. It was 1803. _ The Lorp Cuancexior thought that it was hardly worth while to interrupt him on a trifling misarrangement of figures. The Old Sailor must be content with his laurels, and with having been publicly thanked by the Duxe or Mar.BoroucH—MaRr.LBoroucH was it?—no, WEL- LINGTON. Besides, he had been a sort of Lord, a Lord of the Admi- ralty, which was a good deal better than nothing. ‘The judgment was, that Siz Mavaice had not made out his claim. Lorp St. Leonarps concurred, for once, with the CHAncELtor, though of course the reasons which the latter had given for his judg- ment, if reasons they might be called, were, as usual, utterly futile. The Jegal reason why the claim of Srr Maurice must be rejected was, that he had failed to show the discontinuance of the outstanding term contin- } | gent upon theenfeoffment of the non-entailed cessio"bonorum pour autre | vie after the conveyance de droit under the charter-party of Kpwarp | THE ‘l'utRD had merged the /aches in a general tenancy by the courtesy | with cross remainders over. L ; | Sime Maurice BEerKetrey sai at it made a fellow’s lee-scuppers Punch has taken under his especial patronage, on account of the funny | ru r anil that it — n over, to hear a cove coil and belay such High Dutch lingo. | Lorp CRaAnwortH said that he did not suppose his learned friends cared very much whether he concurred with them or not, but he was | entirely of their opinion, and thought that it would be a bad precedent | to confer a peerage upon a gentleman merely because he possessed an old house in which one of the British sovereigns had been killed. Sm Maurice Berke ey said, that if that lubber meant to insinuate that he who had eat his sovereign’s junk—— The Lorp CHANCELLOR must interpose. Eat a junk.. Come, come— they could not swallow that. He had himself seen a junk in the river Thames, and though he did not profess to understand nautical matters, if a man asserted that he could eat such a thing as that, he, the Cuan- CELLOR, must reluctantly classify him among those who did not attach due value to accurate representation of circumstances. Sim Maurice Berxetey said that the CHANCELLOR was a sea- lawyer, and he only wished he had had him on board the Thunderer. What he meant to say was, that he had been in the QuEEN’s service, or the King’s, which was all the same, leastways different, all his life, and he should Jike to hear anybody say he wasn’t loyal. His dear eyes! Lorp WeNSLEYDALE had had such a squeak for his own Coronet. that he felt natural pity for an unsuccessful claimant. He had not heard the arguments in the case, but quite concurred with his learned friends. Sir Maurice BERKELEY intimated his irremovable conviction that {they were all a pack of humbugs, and he should speak to the QuEEn, bless her! on the subject. He then departed, furiously sending a quid of tobacco into the left eye of the CHANCELLOR, as a valediction. A Great ImMproveMENT ON THE Oxp Sarine or “ Taxine Coals to NewcastLx.”—Carrying Milk to Cowes, A very Consumine Hasit.—Nessvs’s Shirt. Office in Lombard) -—Satunpay, March 9, 1361. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, 1 Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park. both in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, Printers, at their i treet, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the CityZof London, and Publishsu by them at No. 89, Fleet,*Stree’, in}the Parish of St. Bride, in the City of

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Marcu 16, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 107

ee Wil ill ea S ay A x » =~" < pf ~ “rt SID * How buch an Oudch, by Tear?” SIR G. BOWYER’S GAMMON. “ As to GarrBatpi, he was a gallant soldier, and throughout these transactions had shown himself single-minded, having at last returned to Caprera, as poor as when he left it.”—(Sm G. BowyER—Gammon ! Laughter.)—Debate in the House of Commons, Thursday, March 7. A Foray of the Porg scorn pelf, d turn his back on Mammon ! Not plunder to enrich himself !— Well Bowyer may cry “ Gammon!” That faithful son of Holy Church, ’er Papal wrongs still grieving, Has other matters to employ His rare powers of believing. He can believe the rule of Rome In Temporal things a blessing : He can believe it’s good for sheep, To welcome wolves’ caressing : Believe that Pro Nono’s wise, hat ANTONELLI’s truthful ; That Naples sighs to welcome back Her Francis, meek and ruthful ; That Roman freedom is a fact, And Naples’ fetters fiction : That being gagged and caged and whacked, Is Papal benediction ; Beliefs like these—not taking count Of feats by saints and martyrs, Wrought to force faith on Heretics, Jews, Infidels, and Tartars : Saint Januarius’s blood, Loretto’s flying mansion— Must needs tax gullet of belief Whatever its expansion ! That a poor gullet so abused, Such mouthfuls forced to swallow, Should close ’gainst simple truth is what We might expect to follow. ; The juggler who bolts swords may well Of sore throat be complaining— Nothing like swallowing camels, At‘gnats to set one straining,

A FELLOW FOR A PHOTOGRAPH. A ProrocrarHER might have obtained a fine portrait of a hypocrite by taking the likeness of the author of the subjoined letter as he appeared in the act of writing it :— ** To the Editor of the ‘ Morning Post.’ ” “* Srr,—It may be doubtful whether it is expedient to take legal steps against the essayists, considering the delays, difficulties, and expense of such proceedings ; but there can be no doubt at all that, as one of the authors of this book, which has been condemned by the unanimous voice of all the Bishops as opposed to the doctrines of the Church of England, is one of Her MaJrsty’s Chaplains, that it is the duty of the responsible Ministers of the Crown to recommend Her Masesty, as head of the Church, to remove this author, Dr. TEMPLE, from that office and dignity. **T am, Sir, yours obediently, tid ** University Club, March 4.” A Lay Curistian.” There can be no doubt that Dr. Tempe is the author of a very objectionable article. His Essay on Zhe Education of the World is at Once imaginative and prosy. What worse could be said of any sermon? Indeed this Essay was originally a sermon. As such, says the Saturday vew, “it was actually a oe without giving the slightest offence, before the University of Oxford.” The University of Oxford can stand a speculative discourse of no practical tendency and no theo- retical importance. So, of course that learned body could see no offence in the sermon which Dr. Tempre preached, and has since published, on the education of the world. There was no offence whatever in it beyond the demerits of immateriality, prolixity, and dryness. It con- tains no poison—except somewhat which partakes of the nature of opium, but is not so strong—say, as it were, syrup of poppies. Gentle dulness would have admired it had it been published in a separate form; gentle dulness would have liked this serious treatise just as, conversely, gentle dulness ever loves a joke. Doubtless many a Christian Young Man’s Association, taking the abovenamed Essay by itself, would have listened to it as a lecture, or read it amongst them- selves, for mutual improvement, with great delight,;and a sense at least of considerable edification. _ fs 2 How then can “ A Lay Christian,” or any other Christian, request the Government to dismiss Dr. Tempie from the post of Her Maszsty’s Chaplain? 1t seems impossible to say. Private and per- sonal motive, vindictive feeling, might prompt such a request on the part of an enemy of Dr. TEmPLE’s ; somebody who is no Christian at all, Irate hypocrisy might inspire a contemptible snob with the sug- | gestion of arbitrarily cashiering the victim of an accusation which it is impossible legally to sustain. Actuated by these sentiments, a mean | malignant fellow might be capable of sneaking into a corner of the | University Club, and there writing the letter to which these observa- | tions are annexed. As that letter is anonymous, it is the greater pity | that a photograph was not taken of its author whilst engaged in its | composition. For a photograph of that individual could possibly have | been taken, although the despicable humbug was working to injure | Dr. Tempe in the dark.

A Rash Assertion. Tue Tablet says that the Kine or Napuzs is suffering punishment for the sins committed by his ancestors in contending with the Jesuits | and withstanding the Porz. Of course the Zab/e¢ knows that appa- | tently Francis THE Szconp lost his crown in consequence of having ursued a policy too extremely the reverse of anti-Jesuitical and anti- opish. The proximate cause of his deposition was his subservience to the priesthood and the papacy. The successors of heretical sove- reigns are not likely to be encouraged by the example of the Kine or | Naptgs to return to obedience to the Holy See. It would be wise to | be quite certain that Francis is suffering for the sins which he has | renounced before making the assertion that such is the case, an | assertion which if incorrect is also injudicious.

VOL, XL, M

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108 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 16, 1861.

PUNGH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. HE 4th of March, Monday. A deceased Member of the House of Lords, we refer to Baron Byron, observes— FASO: ig y uD 4 “We learn from Horacsr, HomEr sometimes nods, We know without him ‘ MuL- GRAVE’ sometimes wakes,” and when Baron Puncu in- serts “MuLGRAVE” instead of the name rather flippantly introduced by the author of Don Juan, he does so because the dactyl Nonmansy would mull the line. To-night the peer whose second title is thus poetically used, departed from his usual habit of being unwise, and brought the case of Mr. TuRNBULL before the Lords. He complained of Lorp Paumerston, for not having supported this Gov- when ernment officer, when perse- cuted. Now everybody knows that throwing overboard (we ‘ : beg any yachting Lord’s par- don for using the word) a subordinate is the last fault with which the gallant Pam is chargeable, but he is thought to have what he called at the Hayter dinner an Outside Conscience in matters of — and this Outside Conscience is known as Lorp Suarressury, bishop- manufacturer,: Exeter Hall, W.C. In the TurnsuLt matter, the PREMIER seems to have been guided by his O. C., who is connected with something called the Protestant Alliance. The O. C. defended his Protestants for distrusting Mz. TuRNBULL (who, as a convert to Popery is a deal more Popish than most born-Catholics), but it is also due to the O. C. to add, that he spoke like a gentleman touching Mr. Turnzvti’s scholarship and general character. But it seems to be thought that it would be impossible for him to avoid trying to give an anti-Protestant colour to summaries of the Records. Lorp Dery could not resist the pleasure of making some smart sarcasms at Lorp PALMERSTON’s expense, and moreover adverted to the pro- verbially irritable character of Literary Men. It is possible that literary men may be irritable, when their whole lives are passed in examining either ancient or modern history, and in perpetually dis- covering that the most important interests of millions have been entrusted to and mismanaged by pert aristocrats or shallow demagogues. Lorp Lanspowns thought that Mr. TunnBULL was wrong to resign and the Lords by 41 to 15 voted that they would not be further bored with the subject. Some persons who call themselves the Ballot Society made a com- plaint, through Mr. Tom Duncomsg, that a lot of circulars which they alleged they had posted to the electors of Ripon had not been delivered, and they implied that the papers had been suppressed. But as they were unable to mention the name of a single person to whom a paper had been sent, and who had not received it, Mz. FREDERICK Pzxt intimated his disbelief in the story. Mx. GLapstons explained an invention of his for giving Exchequer Bills a character of steadiness, by assimilating them to Bank-notes. Mr, Punch would like to test the value of this discovery, and GLADSTONE had better call and leave a thousand or two of his Bills at 85, Fleet Street. He then proposed to go into Committee of Supply, where- upon An Italian debate and raged to-night and on Thursday. Mr. Porz Hennessy ab the Government for having favoured Piedmont, and he deplored the helpless position of England, who had alienated herself from the Austrians and Russians, and therefore would be with- out their aid in case of an invasion by the Emperor or THE FRENCH, Mr. Layarp made a ge speech on the other side, and dashed, like a Nineveh Bull with a steam-engine inside him, upon the advo- cates of the Ultramontanists. He drew an elaborate picture of the wicked misgovernment of the Porz, and told appalling stories of the cruelties of the Austrians in Italy. Sm Gzorce Bowyer said exactly what CarpINaL WISEMAN would have liked him to say, and the debate was adjourned, It was resumed on the Thursday by Mr. Epwix James, who walked severely into Mr. Hennessy, and paid a glowing tribute to Ganrpatpr. Sm Rosert Peet exulted in the freedom of Italy ; but the speech of the night was Mr. Guapstonr’s, who vehe- mently attacked the “execrable” system of the Papal Government, and thought that it required less courage to stand under a bombard- ment than to rise ina free assembly and advocate the tyrannies that had been put down in Italy: the cheering at this declaration made his

concluding words inaudible. Mr, Macurre stated of his own know- ledge that Providence was watching over the Porz, and Mr. Rozsuck —yes, Mr. Jonn Antaur Rogsuck—took an Austrian view of the question, and thought that we ought to cultivate the friendship of Austria, in order to repress France. Lorp Jonn RussEx1 did not believe that there had ever been a Government so “abominable” as that of the Ex-Kuye or Napigs, and expressed his belief that his own policy had been a national one, and was approved — country. Mr. Waite made his usual noises, and added that Mr. Rogsvckx had | been won over by converse with Archduchesses in the “gilded | saloons” of Vienna, and also had returned thence with a lucrative contract in his pocket. With this bit of petty mality closed the | English debate on the most magnificent events of modern history. Tuesday. LORD CAMPBELL moved the Second Reading of a very tiny Bill for extending the jurisdiction of the Court of Admiralty. 08 | of the word Admiralty—rather an offensive word just now—there has | beena curious nautical drama, or rather faree, played during the week. | A Committee on the Admi system was appointed, and one of the | principal witnesses would have been Str Batpwin WALKER, who, when surveyor of the Navy, is supposed to have learned an immense | Lary. things which it might be highly says, 2 to the public, and highly inconvenient to officials and others, to bring out in exami- nation. Sr Batpwin is found to have bolted, in a very fast ship, and the Government, urged by Members to catch him, sent the slowest old tub in the Navy, for that purpose. Whereat people laugh, and Lorp Ciarence Pacer lays his hand on his heart, like Clown in the pantomimes declares that upon his honour it’s all correct, e laugh again, which is exceedingly rude. i ossuTH is having Hungarian bank-notes engraven here, and the Austrian Ambassador desires to prevent a process which betides no to the Empire. Sm Ricnarp Betwent says that the act is but that there is no hope of obtaining a conviction, so Lorn | Joun will not interfere, but politely intimates to the Austrians that our Court of Chancery is heartily at their service. So they apply to Vics-CHancettor Stuart for an injunction against the printer of the notes, Mn. Day. The Hop ple made a determined effort to get rid of the duty on | hops, but rigHT declined to aid in any attempt to remove a duty until the Commons had asserted their Sey and caused the | paver tax to be remitted; Mr. GuapstonE wed that the Hop | uty system was » but so were a great many other things, and | why, he wanted to know, was the Hop interest to be holpen first, and | Mz. DisRaxtt objected to any sacrifice of revenue, while we are in our | present state, that of a deficiency, supplied by a “temporary” impo- sition. It is pleasant to hear the phrase applied to the abominable | Income-Tax, but though there is no doubt of its being an imposition, | its temporary character is not so clear. The yA men were beaten by 202 to 110, and did not seem much consoled by Mr. Punch’s mentioning to them, when the numbers were announced, that he had just hada despatch from Warsaw, and though the Hops were down, the Poles were up. Sir Joun Expntstone then beat the Government, by 102 to 97 on a motion for a Committee to inquire into the system of promotion and pay inthe Navy. The authorities growled, and said that such things | encouraged naval officers to come bothering with their grievances, but the House did not seem to see it in that light. We should like to examine Jack himself as to the whole Navy system, and ask him = in his judgment our Fleet costs so much, only we fear that he wo d be disrespectful and say that it wasn’t us fightin’ beggars but them | thinkin’ beggars that cost the money, or some such vulgarity. , Wednesday—The House’s Sunday—was devoted to a rather mild —< - the Church Rate Abolition Bill, which went through mmittee. Thursday. Loxp Bata wanted to know something about the Syrian occupation, and what Government thought of the evident concert | between Russia and France in the matter. Lorp Woprnouse de- | clined to say anything. Lorp Dersy elicited the fact that in a treaty we are making with France for handing over prisoners who escape from Cayenne into British Guiana, we except political prisoners, and as few others are sent to Cayenne, one does not see the particular use of the treaty. Suppose, however, that a political prisoner, trying to escape, polished off a gendarme—should we apply the rule sought to be set up in the case of ANDERSON, the negro, who by the way has been liberated in Canada, on a technical error in the writ of commitment ? Mayor Gavin, formerly in the Lancers, seems to think that Mason YELVERTON, bigamist, is not the sort of person who should hold Her Majesty’s commission, Caprarmx Arcapatt, formerly an Enniskillen Dragoon, thinks that nothing should be said on the subject at present. The authorities suspend Mayor YELVERTON from military duties until the case shall be completely disposed of. Friday. The Church-Rate Bill is to stand over till June. Mz. SHERipaN wanted to abolish the duty on fire-insurance. This was 4 far less patriotic course than that which was adopted by his illustrious ancestor, who refused to assent to the adjournment of the House

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Marcu 16, 1861.] | I have done at those performed at many another royal house. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 109 | when his theatre, Drury Lane, was on fire. The proposal was rejected by 138 to 49.* But Mr. GuapstTonz had no great cause for exultation, | for the next thing the House did was to appoint Mr. GELLrBRanp | Hvzsarv’s Committee on the Income-Tax. Neither wise nor yet witty Is every Committee : Nous verrons, which, Wiscount, implies “ we shall see,” But we think, from each lad’s tone, The grim Mr. Guapstonz Will have to look sharp after dear Schedule D. OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. T the risk of losing caste, dear Punch, by being seen in Islington, I the other even- ing visited a place which in my younger days was known to people asthe Eagle, and by its Aabitués was called more familiarly the Bird. But as the present is an age for nominal development, the house is now more grandly named the al Grecian Theatre; a title which might lead one to ex- pect to see a tragedy of Aiscuyius presented, or to hear the songs of the Birds of AnistopHaNnes (birds of what ill omen to how many lazy students!) sung in all the Pp ix, of the ancient - Greek. The only bird, how- ever, that was rought be- == fore my notice was in a pan- = tomime entitled The Blue ~ Bird of Paradise, which, to myself and other visitors arriving at half-price (this privilege is here extended only to the stalls) constituted all the enter- tainment of the night. Had I but entered somewhat earlier—but that dry port of old Breswrne’s is sadly hard to leave—I could have penned you a description of Or/ando the Outlaw, or the Orphanless Outcast, or whatever else were the name of the first piece. This, the bill informed me, began at half-past six, yet I am bound to own, the audience did not seem at all fatigued by it. On the contrary, indeed, the house showed, like the Commons, great ability for sitting; and when finally it rose, a few minutes before midnight, there was not that haste to get away, as though from something tiresome, which | have often lately noticed in more fashionable theatres. : “Tam aware that I may possibly be charged with vulgar tastes, but I must own that I laughed more at the Royal Grecian 7 than was however sorry to find that the opening partook largely of the nature of burlesque (I can’t tell you how I hate these pantomimic hybrids which to my mind spoil both ae and it saddened me still more to have to gape at a magnificent Transformation Scene, which taxed one’s pie terribly while being bit by bit revealed. I think the audience e myself felt it rather a relief when the Clown’s business began, and their long strained staring ended. The Clown too was as good a one as I have seen this year, and did not, like too many, let the acrobatic element quite supersede the comic. The way he did his stealing was much more ludicrous and artful than I have lately witnessed, and de- serves my hearty thanks for the hearty laughs he won from me. Clowns too often steal a “ though it were their own, and they had lawful right to take it. They forget too that a Clown, however clever he may be, is essentially a fool; and has not wit enough to know hat a hot poker will, burn him when he tries to pocket it. The audience at the Eagle—I beg pardon, Mz. Conquest, I mean the Royal Grecian—seemed quite alive to this. The loudest laughter won from them was when the Clown, after endeavouring to pouch a mon- strous codfish, strutted away unconscious of having left the head and shoulders sticking out, thereby attracting Nemesis in the shape of a policeman. “ As an additional attraction to the City Road just now, there is the fattest harlequin I think I ever saw. As I am myself somewhat approaching to his size, and know what are the pangs of losing a good figure, I scarce can tell if he more moved me to pity or applause by his corpulent gyrations. Moreover, worthy of no small admiration = Prince Pigmy, ‘once known as Humpdy Dumpdy,’ the bill politely -————_} of spelling those two last names with a ‘ty’ instead of ‘dy. The way in which this rye whose legs were doubled under him, hopped and skipped about, and sang that wondrous song The Cure with al its acrobat accompaniment, was, as a voice behind me said, ‘as as seein asparrer,’ by which last noun the bird was meant and not the pupil of a prizefighter. I must add-that there was much less vulgar slan in this Blue Bird than in most of the more Western burlesques that i have witnessed : and with only one exception, so far as I remained to see (I mean where Clown lifts up his petticoat and says something to Pantaloon, who as Jack in the Green, is 8 h him), there is in word or gesture nought unsavoury or coarse. Considering that the Gallery is nightly filled at mig nag ae each, and that only six- pence is demanded at the Pit, I think this is a noticeable feature of the theatre, and might be copied with adv: at houses higher-priced. _ “ The bringing out of a new comedy, with a new actress for the first e seen in a mew part, deserves a better place for notice than the fag end of a letter: but I must just state my firm conviction, that the Duke in certainly will draw, although the plot is partly second- hand, nor is the writing quite first-rate. There is, however, plenty of amusement in the piece, and it affords a pleasant means for Srigtuve¢ to appear in concert with her daughter, preserving that the allusions to this fact, which indeed supplied a novel interest to the piece. Miss Srrauine has bright eyes, and a pleasing voice and manner, and will I fhink become a favourite with persons of good aie thks a rare pleasure to see something fresh upon the stage, and again, and say the word of praise her mother’s acting merits, although I think the ag affords her hardly enough scope. “Onze wo Pays.” A WORD OF ADVICE TO THE BISHOPS. Denounce Essayists and Reviewers, Hang, quarter, gag or shoot them— Excellent plans—pro that You first of all refute them. By all means let the Hangman burn Their awful book to ashes, But don’t expect to settle thus Their heterodox hashes, Some heresies are so ingrained, F’en burning won’t remove them, A shorter and an easier way You’ll find it—to disprove them. Be this, right reverends, your revenge, For souls the best of cure— Essay Essayists to upset, And to review Reviewers. PRAY PITY THE POOR POPE. A Journat with a name which we had rather write than endeavour rs pronounce, we mean the Oesterreichische Zeitung, has informed us that— ‘Francis THE SECOND is determined to stay at Rome as long as the Porr remains there.” Misfortune, we are told, acquaints men with strange bedfellows, and some of them are not less strange than they are unpleasant. The Porz has long been on a of anything but roses, but surely Bomsatino’s advent must add another thorn to it. It is the last feather that breaks the camel’s back, and his Holiness must find his weight of troubles ee unbearable, now that he is burthened with the presence of young RaNncis. We own we have not yet felt much compassion for the Porg, but this last blow is so terrible that it commands our deepest sympathy. The absence of the French, who keep his Holiness upon his throne, could hardly be more painful than'the presence of his visitor. Certainly if anything can drive the Porz from Rome it must be the sight of the juvenile ex-tyrant ; and we shall not be surprised to hear his Holiness is packing up, and that a three-pair back near Leicester Square is ready for him, Wh » it would almost be enough to drive Punch out of Fleet Street to know he had that brute, young Bomsa, for a neighbour. The Music of Parliament. THe County of Cork has returned Mr. Leaver, Protestant Tory landlord, by the large any, Soe 3,400. Sm Georez Bowyer has hitherto led the Pope’s Brass d alone, but now his duties, appa- me; thus correcting the cacography I oftentimes have practised, rently, are to be shared by a Protestant leader. girlish artlessness agreeably supplies. I hope soon to see her | i | relation in the part which she presents. The audience highly relished

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 16, 1861, NY. ee ur “SOUR GRAPES.” Opposition Cap (after an unsuccessful struggle for the stout Fare). ‘* Ya hi! Take your fat’un!” CLERICAL REFORM AND ECONOMY. In an article recommending an increase of the English Episcopate, a contemporary asks :— “‘ Whether it is desirable to improve the tone and powers as well as increase the numbers of these working clergy?” | As there exists a society for providing the clerical poor with cast-off clothes, the labour-market of the Church must, one would think, be rather overstocked. Apparently there is a sad want of employment for Curates, who might chant, “‘ We’ve got no work to do;” and the fat pluralists might re-echo the burden of their song by way of antiphon, ina major key. It seems hardly, therefore, desirable to increase the numbers of the Working Clergy, unless by setting idle Deans and Cathedral Canons to work. 1h The powers of the Working Clergy might be advantageously increased by the rugn bd the necessitous portion of them with sufficient food and drink, which could perhaps be derived from the larders and cellars of those round and reverend gentlemen who hold what Sinnzy Smita used to call the prizes of the Church—a sort of prize which the aspirant to a shovel hat, of course, regards as the prize of his high ng. The tone of too many of the Working Clergy, in preaching and reading, is so objectionable that its improvement is very much to be desired indeed. - It is not to be distinguished from that of the lower order of Methodist parsons—a melancholy mouthing and moaning, aggravated sometimes by a snufile. If this tone could be exchanged for the natural and unaffected accents of serious thought and earnest ment, therein would be effected a great ecclesiastical reform. n the following remarks, from the same pen as the foregoing, an undeniable truth is stated :-— **The question of funds is no doubt difficult. But it is not necessary that the new bishops should have £5,000 a year until they are called to the House of Lords. Half that income would amply suffice as long as the bishop was out of Parliament.” It is certainly by no means necessary that a simple bishop should have £5000 a year. There is much doubt whether the primitive bishops had so much in the world,—that is, this world: their wealth being supposed to have been chiefly invested in the other. obliged to maintain the dignity of a peerage, could, doubtless, very well contrive to rough it on £2500 a year. Enjoying such an income, | indeed, a prelate of moderate hunger, thirst, and other wants, might | be very well imagined to be a jolly bishop. Half of that sum, as the stipend of a bishopric, would perhaps be sufficient to make many a poor and meritorious clergyman, with his wife and family, happy. A bishop not FINE OLD GIRLS. THE moralising wet blankets who try to make young persons of both | sexes uncomfortable by continual lamentation on the fugitive character of feminine charms, will find a refutation of their melancholy philosophy in the subjoined extract from the “‘ Fashions for March” in Le Follet :— | ** Velvet, though very effective, is only deemed suitable for elderly ladies.” | The proof of the pudding is in the eating; the proof of the velvet must lie in the wearing. As velvet is only deemed suitable for! elderly ladies, the presumption is, that velvet is worn by elderly; ladies only. Then the appearance which elderly ladies present in velvet is the only proof of its effectiveness. But velvet is very effective. Here, then, are elderly ladies wearing dresses whicl are very effective, notwithstanding the wearers’ time of life. Effec- tive, in the serious language of milliners, means as the power, of attracting admiration, and not that of exciting mirth. e are to understand that elderly ladies in velvet create the same sort of sensation as that which their juniors dress with a view to creating. | In short, according to the Follet, elderly ladies in velvet look pretty, or | at least handsome. This consideration may encourage the younger) portion of the softer sex to dismiss all unpleasant suggestions as to the | ravages of time, and indulge the pleasing confidence that Loveliness, | in future, will outgrow muslin only to bloom perennially in velvet. Wuicx of our servants is most likely to steal the cook, who (cuckoo) is notorious for that species of larceny ! eggs P—The

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oN PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Manrcn 16, 1861. a, Ay WP, Vb —/ HY UL Y/ « tame MAY me ad) ’ dd A LU ] se Z i/ Oj) Lzdailh et a aS LY PROF If jE: 4, WL de Nba edad A MLA 7 ie, ae de TAA a TH, = mE Pa ii, —t : MN SPU YY ELIS eT ek Pa eis || || | \ \ \\ \ m \i +) ANY rrr ttt ere : = ss WN THR NNN WA JACK’S “NAVY ESTIMATE.” Mr. Buut, “DEAR, BLESS ME! WHAT A PRICE I PAY FOR MY NAVY!” Jack. “AX PARDON, YER ’ONOUR, TAIN’T ALONG 0’ WE FIGHTIN’ BEGGARS, IT’S THEM THINKIN’ BEGGARS.” \ Sw NAY \

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RE crenata nite ne ae en ee ee veces aoe ’ had Z " Seren FOO UNV OOOOlUlUClUlCCOCUCOClC KCC ES CK rae bestest’ |

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| | | | | | LONDON CHARIVARI. 113). A SKETCH FROM NATURE. (MORE’S THE PITY.) PRELATES AT PLAY, OR PROLUSIONES EPISCOPALES. Tue Upper House of Convocation was waiting the other day for the commencement of business, Waiting for business is almost as dull as waiting for dinner. ‘* What shall we do to beguile this horrid pause ?” inguired saponaceous Oxon of mellifiuous CanTeRBURY. : Su ,”? exclaimed the mild wisdom of CawtzRBuRy, “ we tried our hands at a round of = epigrams ?” The Bench stood aghast. ey were not’ prepared for so playful a ry prea from so graye and elevated a quarter. “ Ep: ni ag — faltered evangelical Rrron, “Does your Grace think that form 0: i functions ? ” | FIELD, In a - Cambri UGHAN won t | and third years. Oh—not the least objection to Hpigrams.” and Licx- igrams at second composition gwite compatible with our es Strictly—strictly,” broke in scholastic Lonpox, Yor in a breath. “There are the Brown’s medals for .” continued Lonpon, “ VauGHAN won them in *No more than to editing CHESTER. “Or to writing histories of Greece and translating ScHLEIER- MACHER,” murmured modest St. Davin’s. _ * At least it will keep our hands out of mischief,” suggested ortho- ox HeREFORD. ‘ “ Bpigrams, Epigrams! by all means,” chorussed the Episcopal oir. é “ Only give us a subject!” exclaimed ambitious Sopor anp May, anxious to distinguish hi in an entirely new field. ; POY eae to oy kei Dour a his ar pameiee 0 epis mage P”? p y suggested the venerable Prima' ag a ish poke in the ribs to smooth-visaged MontTacuE UNELM, M. Duweim coloured, coughed, but seeing that the proposal was hailed with acclamations, retrained from objection—merely interpo- oy Of course—any little family jokes on such a subject will go no er.” “Oh! Honour bright!” exclaimed with one voice the Right Reverend Fathers, But alas, they reckoned without their Punch. His little bird, who is fond of flying about the Jerusalem Chamber when Convocation is sitting, had winged his saucy way thither, an sat paaet above the chair of Canrersury while the Epigrams were concocting. Hardly had saponaceous Oxrorp, who was appointed Prelector completed his taak of collecting the crumbs of wit which had dropped from the Episcopal Bench, when Punch’s little bird, swooping do bore off the batch from Samuzt’s slippery fingers, amidst a gene Greek plays,” muttered pedagogic howl of} ot disappointment. The Bishops were baulked of | their laugh, but the public are the gainers by it. Te is not often that with At -. In this case it is ardly necessary to that their wit is all the keener, as it is exer- cised at the expense of a Brother on the Bench. But now to examine the Episcopal performances. — Lonciey—as befits an ex-master of Harrow—is classical, He heads his double-barrelled effort with classical mottoes :— “ Pinguis et ingrate: premeretur caseus urbi.”— Virgil. “ Prophetic Vircir—thus may DurHAm groan— I’ve pressed my cheese upon a thankless town.’ ““Tupds 8 of Accwe: yw oft” év O€pe: obt’ ey dmdpy Ov Xeuavos .” —Theocritus. To the Churchwardens of Haughton. My friends, you’re blessed like the Sicilian swain, ° You’ve got a cheese, you ne’er will lose again. air “Vires acquirens eundo,” he dashes off a Latin version of oO. . “ Quale fuit Siculo juveni est tibi munus, amice, Caseus in. tempus, caseus, omne tibi est.” Bisnor Tarktwatt, our little bird'remarked, seemed to suffer a good deal in the throes of production. Jt is lamentable to think that after covering nearly a quire of foolscap with abortive efforts, that mountain of erudition produced nothing better, or more elaborate than the following “ ridiculus mus :”— “Complain, indeed! what lucky men are these ! They asked a mite, and they have got a cheese!” §j Bisnor Purtrort (not Ports), says our little bird, long, protested against entering the lists in any such profane competition. But at last, evil communications corrupting his good manners, even WORCESTER’S immaculate and anti-jocular _ seems to have been infected with playfulness. He has struck off the following :— “a was mighty in doctrine we’re told, doctrine was sound in the good days of old— But there’s doctrine more mifey in SHAFTESBURY’S sees, For it’s bred by Corruption and comes from a Cheese.” It is perhaps lucky, considering to whom WorcestzR owes his ee ferment to Bench, and the peculiar fervour of his Evangelical cpiniann, that this splgram did not get pn met ey ; pie ave compromised po y ogically, r the wing of Punch, he is safe from the Record and Loxp SHarresBuRy. ? Samvugt or Oxrorp has hit off the following neat brace of quatrains. They read as if written currente calamo, with ebameteriatio glibness :-— “ The Churchwarden’s Petition, “ Prithee, my Lord, from your new Cheese, Some scanty pari And our poor Pastor’s therewith More palatable make.” “ The Bishop's Reply. “Said Vitirers, nothing can be spared me Oe that pious vay 9 a paired, | e ’s with m er ; Must not be pared sein” ” _ Who would have divined the calm and apparently costive GRAHAME in the following Tom-Moorish effusion ? “ °Twixt a dealer in Stilton and Vriirers prelatic, One might think a oumuentets ne’er could be made; The one is pure, pious and aristocratic, The other ’s a grocer, and lives by his trade. But lately at Durham, that fattest of sees, To say which is the grosser some trouble is giving: The first, Piraps, a living may get out of chi es While the last, as we see, gets cheese into a living.” Not bad for a Bishop, we must say, though ** Nemo i issimus,” GRAHAME i prove. e are almost ashamed to print the last of these Episco prolusions. We regret to say it is from the pen of the newly- appointed BisHor or Cartisixz, from whom very t things might have been expected :— ** The fear of famine sure hath seized The richest of our English sees, somewhat crabbed. But may be expected to im-

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Manon 16, 1861. When Duruaw’s Bishop we behold, Accumulating Dams-on Cheese.” It is fortunate for Bishor WatpEGRAvE’s chances of future prefer- ment that this profane joke was not actually cracked in the ears of the precise Primate. Besides, what would Lorp SHarressury have said! As we have already observed, he doesn’t read Punch, so there is no fear of his seeing the unseemly joke in our pages, and we do not make a practice of denouncing, like the Record’s Correspondent. But we would recommend WALDEGRAVE to be cautious. ee. ee a A DIP IN THE LUCKY BAG. THE CRY OF POLAND. Ovr sympathy with the oppressed Poles, and our admiration for the boldness of the patriotic petition which they have presented to the Emperor oF Russia, must not blind us to the oddity of an expression occurring in a passage of that document, which, having stated the woe, and described the unhappy condition of Poland, thus’ con- udes :— “ All this state of things has forcibly reduced this people only to make its voice heard by the cry of its victims, and thus it never ceases to offer up a holocaust.” So remarkable a word as “holocaust” can hardly be supposed to have been meant for a translation of “sacrifice;” must be taken as having been transferred derivatively from the original. The appeal of a noble people ought not to suggest a conundrum; yet who, reading the above extract, can fail to be struck with the perception, that a eople, in making its voice heard by crying out, offers not a holocaust, but only a holloing? In the exclamations of a nation the “holo” may be heard, but no one can possibly distinguish the “ caust.” TOMPKINS’S TELEGRAMS, Cuetsza and Kensington are unanimous in their demand for fusion. Hammersmith has preferred a request to be included in the Bund. An altercation occurred yesterday between two costermongers in the Bayswater Road. : 5 f — have arisen in Cheapside from the vehicles coming to a dead lock. Agar-Town is tranquil. Order reigns in St. George’s in the East. : ; : The Teetotallers have made a demonstration. Their rallying cry is “ Aldgate Pump! ” The marriage of Mr. Baxer to Miss Brices was celebrated on the 1ith, at St. Dunstan’s. The Beadle attended in full official costume. He was received with shouts of laughter, and hoorays. ' An animated debate on general politics came off in the Marylebone Vestry. Jonzs declared his adhesion to WILLIAMS. Interpellations were addressed to all the speakers. RENASCENTUR. (From the Saturday Purview.) No legitimate amusement should be denied even to an Irish rabble, and Zeus forbid that we should ask an Irish Chief Justice to be decent | enough to restrain a moh from yelling at witnesses whose careful evi- dence or gentlemanly exterior displeases the conscientious andjrefined dwellers by the Poddle. Nor, when aman who is unhappy enough to be entitled to write himself ‘‘ Honourable” comes under the unfavour- able notice of the gentlemen and scholars of our Penny Press, would we suggest to those Aristarchs an abstinence from a single jibe, a sacrifice to a single rule of grammar. The Hon. Mason Sitverton is lawful prey to the Dublin gallery and the London literary man. It would be impertinent to point out that the same Dublin audience which made the Common Pleas resound with virtuous indignation at the avowals of the aristocratic Lovelace probably adjourned to the galleries of the ‘Dublin theatre, and bestowed equally discriminating and valuable applause upon the Archer, or Wildair, who in the evening, vaunted, in far more objectionable language, far worse deeds than those of the Avonmore cadet. It would be equally impertinent to inquire into the family histories of such of the Penny Critics as have known a grandfather ; or to ask them whether their own household stories enable them to supply examples of the virtue which they vehemently demand from the haughty aristocrat. But inasmuch as we regret to observe that, in treating this foolish SmtvERTON case, certain writers who have not acquired their views of English life from studies among the sbirtless rabble of a gallery, or from the teachings of the swipey Gamaliels of the slap-bang shop, are inclined to join in the anti-SrtveR- TON clamour, might we deferentially ask those gentlemen, before they again put pen into ink, to listen calmly, and even tolerantly, to the con- versation which they hear in society, and then, instead of penning con- ventional strictures upon this impassioned Major, to consider whether there is a in the trial that really calls for animadversion." Never mind virtuous platitudes and democratic howls, all very proper in their places, but look at the facts in the light of common sense. Mayor SILVERTON finds, or thinks, that thanks to the laws of his country, he can repudiate an alliance with a poor lady, of whom he is tired, and can contract an alliance with a rich lady, of whom he supposes he shall not get tired. Is it not better for society (to use the cant of the day) that two persons who like one another, and have the means of making their entourage happy, should be united, than that two persons of whom one at least is distasteful to the other, and neither of whom have a shilling, should remain, not in wedlock, but in juxta-position? As for the remarks of the badgered defendant, made under incessant and irritating fire of a set of Irish bullies, judge them as severely as you will, but judge them fairly. He was indisereet enough to avow that in the absence of “gentle” blood, he did not consider a social injury to a female so severe as it would be if her family, like his own, bore Renascentur on its shield. Dreadfully fe no doubt, Paterfamilias. But when your interesting son, flashy young Bossy, entangles himself in a love affair, and promises to marry somebody whom you have not in your eye for him, let us hear how you or your attorney will talk when the match is to be broken off. Is the lady Miss Canotine Crinoting, of Bedford Row? You will, dear Paterfamilias, be as respectful and considerate as possible, and strive to get back the letters andthe pearl ring, rather on the ground that the boy is wild and not good enough for her, than because you object to the lady. Or is the female Miss Sansnzr, his sister’s r Well, you will not be very harsh, but Mr. Tarzs will go to her with £100, and order her to set up in Edinburgh or Dublin, unless she wishes her landlord, to whom she has mortgaged the house, to do on the 25th Powys what will be rather disagreeable. But, O Paterfa- milias, red with indignation at the SitveRToN avowal, is the woman pretty Potty Horxris, your lady’s lady’s maid? Is it she who has tried to entice your Bossy into a mesalliance? How soon will you have her boxes in a cab at the door, and herself sobbing in the as she kisses Baby for the last time? Yet you ‘want to hang Masor Sutverton for seeing a difference between tle and Manchester blood. Are you a humbug, Paterfamilias? We defend nobody, we never defend anything, but despite a howling Dublin gallery and a virtuous London press, let us say judictum parium, aut lex terre. Nothing like Learning. ** Waar a lot of money MounsEER Scrise made by his plays,” said the Wiscount to Srx Puymoutru Sounp. “ He didn’t make it by his plays,” replied the Member for Brighton, “he says in his motto Inde The solidarity of the parochial Union jis affirmed. Marylebone is resolved to maintain her autonomy. Fortuna, which means that he e his fortune in Indy.” “Oh!” said the Wiscount. er Toe gaeBQearesteocaes ocbd e maa keo Ff wD > Oo Me - oe ee ee

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| | Manon 16, 1861) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 115 { | | ; while many a “little sister,” who, when THE FAIR SEX AND THE CENSUS: the Census was last taken was reported as — = —— ray, Ladies, have you|iehteen, has only reached in the past decade | ; Two ~~ made your minds up as the ripe age of twenty-one. Nay, in a case | IN A||® © to what age you intend to which we can vouch for as having come under | a ; int y be for the next ten years ? | OUr notice, a lady called herself but two years ; Ve (i Because the Seventh of | ODly, older than her daughter, and such was her NW \; - April, dears, is drawing | bewilderment at being asked her age, she it sadly nigh at hand, and |COuld mot be persuaded she had made any ) \ you had better be mistake. pre- me i ‘ ‘| Et pared to answer this mo-| Arising, as they do, from causes which are 1 mentous question, It | ite beyond all feminine control, we would not . would be awkward to be | Class these errors as intentional deceptions, nor . taken by surprise at the | 84Y too harsh a word to the fair ones who commit t last moment, and to let | them. On the contrary, we hold that to ask : the truth slip out in the ladies their ages is a most unmanly act, which presence of a maid-ser- | 2° woman of spirit for an instant should submit t vant, from whom you|‘0-*, As for censuring the fair sex for not e IN have for months, perhaps, making fair returns, the idea is too preposterous "7 AVS been carefully concealing | for anyone to cherish. When attacked on her 4 s (aS: it. Of course we should | Weak point, a woman becomes powerless, and . im ase i S not dream of charging | 10es she knows not what to escape the blow that : 7 er you with planning _ threatens her. Aim a Census paper at her, and ; to shirk the fact, and | She sinks at once, half paralysed with fear lest . send in false returns, any ;Ber true age should be revealed by it. In a 8 more than we could think | State almost insensible, she enters her return; y you ’d wear false ringlets | but, as its absurdity very often shows, she has o in your hair, or grow false | Clearly not the — use of her senses in so " roses on your cheeks,|@0ing. One can hardly, therefore, blame her g But accidents will happen | for the folly she commits—which, indeed, is y in the best the more foolish inasmuch as it is futile. As * [a households, and avoid | €very birth throughout the kingdom is annually . ly them as one may there registered, it simply is not possible to hide one’s e SER ee ' will always be mistakes. real age, so as to be clear of the danger of 4 % ies are apt, by the mere weakness of their sex, to let their inclinations | detection; and how foolish one would look if‘one A get the better of their actions, so that their hands are often guided by their hearts, | Were found out, and then fined (which one is ot instead of being biassed by the judgment of their heads. “Phus it happens when a Census | liable to be), we leave to ladies who read Punch, i | 8 ree is — — her, Lovely Woman makes (unconsciously, of course) a wrong return, and | 22d would not like to see their names there, to | fe Se nee nated wendes Ween ee e “eae ’ S, as et themselves e| « : es d | somewhat startling information that they are several years younger than they were ten years | Sistag ter pA orn Ea hoe eg alae li ”) | time to time, but the American G t ha ted British merican Governmen ve pre’ i - THE SLAVE TRADE AND THE STATES. meddling with ships sailing under the American fen meat at their Ae taper reel” a THe questions, Who supports the Slave Trade? and How is it that Another piece of his fraternal mind ais Lordship thus gave BroTHER ‘i England has failed - P to — it? being brought the other evening a oon : Z ouse of Commons, Lorp PaLMERsTON proceeded, with his | he a ae friend made not long ago a proposal to the American Government m | usual outspokenness when foreign matters are concerned, to clap the | {ych. if they had really been disposed to co-operate with us in tne OP eacorae saddle of opprobrium on the back of the right horse. According to| men a Sy aie tn anna ee ee eat of inte al the belleuns he balets olied and d he § - | ment stand upon a different footing in one important respect. By the Act of 1845 a ~ chief delin rielly cl and summed up, the Spaniards are the British cruiser t a vessel engaged in the slave trade without papers and with- e quents in the matter, though Brotuer JonaTHAN is very | °Ut any indication of nationality is entitled to have it condemned by a British Court 10 far from being held quit: ilt} h . ” | of Admiralty. The Americans have not that power by their laws, and therefore 12 Lordshi g held quite guiltless. On the former of the culprits his | When an American cruiser meets a ship even laden with slaves, but without any ; ordship passed his sentence in the following severe terms :— proof of nationality, she is unable to do 9 anything, becsuse if ft she were to take the yu “ When we come to speak of Spain it is impossible to ex too strongly one’s cna + oteadineaendl time teadiien ical wee ny ob be pee snetns he — re ag ag at the profligate, shameless, and diagraceful bad faiths with eet idan add ‘al ied th y nnmngene ge P Po oy ar ingined en matter (Hee ag ney ver! nena pes oa Ta wear gem with | she threw her papers overboard, destroyed all proof of her nationality, and so foiled boul thameniean te oo ? . , the Spanish Government | and baffled the enemy. When she met a British cruiser she became an American ve un emselves to put an end to the slave trade, and received £400,000 as com- | ship, produced her and, tho’ filled with slaves, defied our people to touch at, — to a es sufferers by this change of policy. In 1835, after | her. Well, my noble friend na ao the American Government that British and ct to the eee — a by its —— and protéction | American cruisers should always sail in couples, so that when they met a slaver, Qe Pao a = ei Ee th -_ i should be established by mutual right of search, mixed qaumiedinia, and might be seized 4 the peBes m4 eles. (iioar Tana inp Gor pena he = oe oy — oe = ey of 1817 might be rendered fully applicable, and | was declined, and therefore, as far as that method of ‘putting down the slave trade on ituit@dih timed touia tise. > pow apne rd ations emg hen ~ Sel = reeciiogiion of Extin, she consented t to} On hearing this, we calculate, the thoughts of Broruer JonaTHaN = would have been as much abolished as that cf Brazil. (Hear, ker)” ear Sane somewhat of this shape :—‘ Wal, ay | Pay as heow ou aia a a_i AG | = ety ep lghen ggg gett sake tigate, and disgraceful,”—these are not ve at- < tmp ade y m4 able adjectives, to swallow eapecially when coupled with the eub. pone a lend a hand toe put down Slavery further than we’re forced, = “ aye seh, liar,” which is implied by the expression “violation | s — seems to ’sinuate that our feelins is in favour of it. Y’ see oe pes 1" ~The Don can hardly be a man of such proud stomach | } ai coon doesn’t speak to us so sharp as toe the Spaniard, ’cause on ae Derg digests without a qualm the hard words which are here | $6 SunWes we, fe mare thin-skinned, and when a lancet ll draw blood ate at him. But that we know he owes us far too thuch to quarrel | WPY thar’s no need to use a bowie-knife. But when he says we re a us, we might really almost fear that our giving him the lie might bound by treaty to co-operate with England,’ and then shows heow e =e . ont tee mg a e of it nee ze 2 the pas I oy oe 9 he 4 ished off the Don, the PRemrer ++, | puts us on the same shelf as the Don, and means us toe in-fer as heow into BRoTHER JONATHAN ; tenipering his POR onl sci pl seg we’re tarred with the same stick. Wal, we air A great people, but felt. of “regret,” as one who paused between his blows to make them | UF dander ’s easy riz, and it aint allys easy toe be acting the magna- sid more poignantly :— — Sol pares 2° ar ages yey yo soe, at ae © “y ; and not come visiting the States, unless so e haeve a taste for tar de ment of the Oaitod eats Peep eof this country have not received from the Govern-| and feather. Our bhoys air all fired hot when their steam is fairly up, 1 | PRB cortzemmmns of ce men. They are bound by treaty to oooperate with Bngiand| Gua gloans oy, taeda he haere a iia’ toe, be Lgadhed, I calelate lave e by stationing a certain amotnt of naval force | @2Ngerous. exce e ve a Y c cs upon the Goast of Aftiea. ‘hat engagement has becs tore wr tees failed from | the old hoss had best not cross the millpond.”

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9 tn ata dR lanl PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Manon 16, 1861, Yonex. ‘‘ Figure of Victory, is it? Be she a Pl’ying at Quoits, Sir?” SYMPATHY, BY A SWELL. Txat Dublin mawidge twial—haw! Most chawming histowy to wead ! Paw fellah! what a hawwid baw! A cwuel case faw him indeed! A should not care faw wawing mobs, | And having all the Pwess at one; Because they’re such a set of snobs ; And vawtuous ion’s fun. These nine days’ wondaws soon elapse, What I should feel is being in, By Jove! faw bigamy pawhaps ; At any wate faw lots of tin. I do admiaw the fellaw’s pluck, Who, deeming manufactuas mud, Owns he don’t pay the common wuck The same wespect as gentle blood. It may tawn out all wight at last,— Most awnestly A hope it may ; And he, when all the wow is past, Will be Lap Avonmaw some day. But still, whoevaw feels, hencefawth, *: Tnelined to do that sawt of thing, He’d better not go too faw Nawth, Naw tampaw with a wedding wing. Kites and the Spread Eagle, Ir is argued that the Emperor or Avusrrta has no case against Kossutx for printing notes to circulate in Hungary, because all’such notes are mere waste paper. FRancis- JosEPH, however, may truly reply that Kossurn’s paper is | at least as good as his own. So much justice there may be | |in the Imperial complaint; though the pretence on whose | | behalf it has been put forward is flimsy. | | | Wny is the Income-Tax like burying the collector? | | Because it’s the las¢ duty we pay him. i: i: ; rt : ee A TRIBUTE TO NORMANBY. Normansy, Normansy, what’s the matter? No bee in your bonnet ?—then Who’s your Hatter, Commissioned to build you a Cardinal’s Hat? Otherwise what is your Lordship at ? You’ve become, within the last few years, The Bowyer, my Lord, of the House of Peers, I beg BowyEr’s pardon—Srm Georee, no offence ! Bowyer’s premises granted, he talks some sense. The Kine or Nartes and Porz must render Much thanks to you as their chief defender ; Giving you'credit for what you intend, ~ Though whispering, ‘Save us from our friend.” As holding the party’s brief, Should any one of them come to grief, You make him your client—o’er him fling The protection of a goose’s wing. Priestcraft and tyranny thus to uphold, Yourself, old Normanby, why have you sold ? That you have become one of Loyo.a’s crew ? Noxrmansy, Normanby, can it be true? Has his Holiness granted you hose of red, And a scarlet broadbrimmer to grace your head? Your Eminence rather should stand on a stool, In the cap which crowns the Unwise at school. A Very Fast Walker. Tr is a remarkable fact that the ships dispatched by the Admiralty to recall an Admiral required to give evidence on Admiralty mismanage- ment, chased him in vain. ually remarkable is the coincidence between that fact and the gallant Admiral’s name. What Admiral was it who was not to be found when he was sought so anxiously ? The necessary reply is—Wa1LkER! AN EXTRAVAGANT SCOT. N the paper which we sale: | sume Lady Macduff was | reading when so disagree- | ably interrupted by the | emissaries of King Macbeth, | we mean the Fife Herald, we find this :— «* During the valentine season, | @ young gentleman, in the neigh- | bourh * of Dunfermiline,. re- | ceived a valentine from Glasgow, | in the shape of a real donkey, all | alive and kicking. It came by | rail, and cost him 16s. for carriage —double the worth of his valen- tine. The point of the joke is, | that the fortunate receiver is one | of the mounted Volunteers.” | This seems a dreary joke, | but the Fife people. know | best. The only wonder jis, | that it did not occur to. an | economical Scotchman that | he might have made his joke | Ss S : much cheaper. _The sender = ES should have taken a third | — —_ ae bere class ticket and visited the | z= other—the joke would have | been exactly the same, as | the Dunfermline Volunteer would equally have received a donkey. Very Proper. Tur is an extremely disagreeable story about an Englishman being | worried’ by a Bear at Berne. - It is, however, thought to be a canard, | os Government intend to send Mr. Epwarp Extice to inquire into, the matter. | | | | —s Printed by William Brad! of No. 13, Uj Woburn mei Poel Neyo SarvRpar, March 14, 1361. Place, and Frederick Mullett Ev of No.19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park, both ia the Parish of St Pancras, in the Coun‘; Printers, the Precinct of Whitetriars, in the City of London, nd Published by them st No. 8, Bleet Street, in the Parleh of St. Bride in 5 Middieses of the Ci‘'y ef London

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being | anard, } re into | Manrce 23, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 117 a) Mh > Aw Poa Ag? \s \ s) ta a EMPHATIC! Boy (to Nurse). “ WHaT DID YOU SAY ‘MADE HER ILL’?” Nurse. “’ARK aT YOU, HALFRED! aT Mapa ’ILL’!” I pipn’r say, ‘MADE ’ER HILL’; I sar, ‘SHE LIVED > > ? A BLOW FROM ACROSS THE . WATER, In the speech that Azz Lixconn made at Washington from the balcony of P1LLaRp’s Hotel (we call it Prttarp, for we had our portmanteau broken open there, and innu- merable a extracted therefrom), he told the multitude that the Government did not “intend to split hairs to deprive them of their rights.” Was this allusion to “splitting hairs” a sarcastic blow aimed at GLapsTonE, who has a kind of copyright in that par- ticular way of dividing his arguments? We should say that “splitting rails” was much more in ABRAHAM'S line. JupGe DoveLas says that LincoLn is so clever at that. kind | of handiwork, that it was he who first intro- duced the split into the Union. Of course, this isn’t true, and Jupce Dovexas knows it isn’t true; but it only proves how far the malevolence of partisanship will carry some | people. My} i y TELL TO A, Wf ; PED Mp d, All Souls’ Saved. THE judgment pronounced on behalf of the AncBBISHOP OF CANTERBURY in the case of All Souls’ College, Oxford, will oblige the Warden and Senior Fellows of that seat of learning to elect candidates for its fellowships in future, on the simple grounds of their intel- lectual distinction and moral fitness, instead of choosing them principally on account of their aristocratic connections and ing. In short, the effect of this decision, if it is not evaded, will be to prevent the gentlemen in — from converting All Souls’ into wells’. March1l1, Monday. Lorp CianricaRpDE wished to know a good deal about Indian affairs, but the Government declined to oblige him. Mr. Punch fears that we shall soon hear a little more about Indian affairs than is pleasant, and pe the Government think that suffi- cient for the day is the weevil thereof, as the sailors say knocking their biscuits. ‘The CaancELLor obtained a Committee to consider who are really entitled to come before Sir CresswELL CRESSWELL, about which there is much doubt, Sm Cres: weELt, for instance, having in- continently walked the Yetverrons out of his court, declaring that he | had nothing to say tothem. This was unlucky, as we might have had all that remarkable trial performed at Westminster, and Mr. Epwiy | | JaMES might have received the cheers with which the House of Com- | Mons greeted the victorious Wuitesipz on his resuming his seat. ' LoRD Dery sticks to his text about the houses of the working | classes, and insisted on its being made an instruction to the Lords’ | Railway Committee to report how many people any new scheme would | turn out of house and home, and whether provision ought not to be | made for the accommodation of the expelled. To-night Lonp CLarEnce Pacet brought in the Navy Estimates. Mr, Punch begs to put the matter uncommonly short. If Briranwnra wants to rule the waves, she must pay for the honour. The Balance Sheet of Balance of Power stands thus :— THEM FOREIGNERS. } France has 267 vessels afloat. - 61 building. And an army of 600,000 soldiers. And isseizingon every position which, in war, will aid her to smash our commerce, Russia has MRS. BRITANNIA., | Bxcranp has . . . 505 vessels afloat. | ” . « - 67 building. Andanarmy of . 146,044 soldiers, | (Without counting those in India, who would swell the number to 212,778.) | | | { | } ° A _ of battle ships. Sparxshas. . . sae i : ; | all the other powers may join against us, ” . | to spend her money. was a debate, of course, and brought on the Army Es PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT, The above lucid statement shows the entire case at a glance. There money wanted for the Navy was £12,029,475, being a decrease of £800,000 from last year’s estimate; and the money wanted for the Army was £14,606,751, being a decrease of £185,000 from last year’s estimate. The state of Army and Navy was explained to be highly satisfactory ; Mz. Bricut abused the House and the Ministers, and the Services; and Lorp Patmerston declared, point blank, that France’s policy had for some time been to increase her strength, so as to be a match for us, and the only way to keep peace with her was to make ourselves as strong as possible. Well, if Pam says this about his friend the Emperor, we must accept the situation, and the better educated among us must comfort ourselves by quoting Latin about sz vis pacem—which, Wiscount, does not mean a Peaceful Citizen, though that is a very good shot for you. | Tuesday. Mx. Tom DoncomBE moved a little resolution to the effect that we ought to have a Reform Bill. Him and his clap-trap did Sm Georce Lewis demolish ; and Mr. Bricut, the type of the Unrefined Radical, having somewhat curtly explained to Mr. Tom, the type of |the Refined Radical, that the proposition was perfectly useless, Mr. DuycomBe withdrew the motion. Next did Sir Gzorce put down | Mz. StanEy, who wanted a Committee to consider how to improve the dwellings of the working classes. Then did Mr. Greson squash | Mr: Bentinck, who wants the Government to interfere for the pre- | vention of railway accidents. Fourthly, did Lorp Joun Russe set upon CoLonEL Syxzs, who had grievances about the Chinese War. Lorp | Patmerston obliterated Sin James ELPHINstong, absorbing that party’s | little Navy Promotion Committee into the big Admiralty Committee, and there was a smart debate upon the names of Members to be appointed on the latter. The Government were quite victorious to-night. Mr. Lycon brought in a Bill for the Voluntary Disgavelling of lands. ‘The Wiscount, hearing the announcement, very naturally asked, why a person couldn’t take gravel off his lands without au Act of Parliament, but it was courteously explained to him that the word And as France has about five times the | WaS not dis-gravelling, but dis-gavelling, and that Gavelkind was a 7 frigates. | military force, and is doing everything to | tenure of Anglo-Saxon origin, and that lands so held by a man who dies R es battle'ships. | bring up ber naval force to ours, and as | without a Wi 8. go to all the sons equally, and if there are, luckily, n 0 mr ine of battle ship. | Mrs, Buiraweia must make up her mind | Dothering boys, to all the girls. He was further told that all lands in Kent are “presumed” to be of this tenure until the contrary is proved, and that disgavelling means the arranging that the lands shall descend according to the ordinary rule of law. The Wiscount was nd on Thursday, when Mx. T. G. Banine | delighted at this acquisition of legal lore, whereupon his instructor timates, there was another debate. The|was foolish enough to confuse his mind by telling him all about VOL, XL, N

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118 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Maron 23, 1861. another queer tenure called Borough-English, and its history, the result of which was, that in informing his friend Mr. Waits, of Brighton, of his discoveries, the unfortunate nobleman stated that when a man bequeathed lands in Kent his youngest son was divided into equal parts, and buried in a gravel pit. So much for tasting only, instead of drinking deep of the Pierian Spring. Wednesday, The osition was quite victorious to-day. Mr. Locke om moved rey Second Reading of his Bill for reducing the County Franchise to £10, and a long debate followed. Government aid not waat the Bill to pass, but being, of course, Reformers by pro- fession, were obliged to s ak and vote for it, a state of things which was pointed out rather clearly than civilly by Mx. Bernat Osporne. | Lorp Jonn Russext indulged himself in an historical essay en all | Reforms that had ever been heard of, described the Chandos ¢lause (the £50 franchise) to have been “a subtle poison introduced into the blood of the Constitution,” and pitched rather awkwardly into a detail of Lorp Dersy’s Reform Bill. Disrartt was all alive, and of course pounced upon the weak part of his antagonist’s speech, and complimented him upon his “extremely delicate reticence” in having never before revealed the secret of his objection to the Conservative Reform Bill, The “previous question” was m an Locke Kine and his reluctant allies, the Ministers, were defeated by 248 to 220. Checkmate to Kine. ‘ The House then began a little fight upon a Bill for allowing all persons who object to Oaths to make aflirmations instead, but six o’clock stopped the strife. Thursday. Lory Lytrexton has a Bill for making it easier to split up dioceses, and set up new Bishops, and the Lords Spiritual and TY mporal had a couple of hours talk over it, and it.was mead a Second Time by 27 to 23. balance sheet. any. : _ Government introduced a Bill about the City Coal and Wine-Tax. It is proposed that both taxes, altogether Thirteen Pence, shall be con- tinued for ten years, but Ninepence of them to be peid into a fund for metropolitan improvements, including Thames Embankment, The tax at present extends twenty miles; but it is in future to be confined to the police district. The arrangement is better than the existing swindle, but inasmuch as the improvement of London, and ially of the river, is a boon to all England, Scotland, Ireland, W: and the Isle of Man, Puwxch does not see why London is to bear all the ex- pense. It is like painting, cleaning, glazing, and oilclothing the hall of a lodging-house, and then charging the entire expense on the parlour- floor lodgers, as if the drawing-rooms, and even the stingy gentleman in the two-pair back did not gain respectability by the outlay. Friday. Lory Wopgnovss said that the account of the Polish dis- turbances, as published, was tolerably correet. Mr. Punch is happy to read that the Serf-Emancipating Em is too wise and too humane to let loose his soldiers upon the Poles, and appears inclined to act generously, Lorp Cranworts has moved the Sceond Reading of the smallest Law Reform Bill ever heard of. It enacts that in certain cases, an attorney’s clerk, or law stationer, need not take his scissors and make the usual fancy scollop “an indenture.” Lorp CamMPBELL scoffed mightily at such bosh, but let it pass. The Lords rose very early, probably to go away and the last volume of Lorp Macau.ay’s History, just issued. If so, they acted more wisely than is their wont. . ‘ : The Budget is fixed for the llth of April. The Miscellany of to-night was various, but not interesting. x. Grsson brought in a Bill for improving Harbours, which Auperman Sroney said was much wanted, for the last time he took tea in a harbour the spiders fell into No Errors Excepted, as Mr. Punch never makes This was the Army night, as aforesaid. For particulam, see above his cup uncommon. A CASEOUS NOTION OF COMFORT. NCOMMON is the pleasure with which we ex- tract the sub- joined announce- ment from the Express :— “The Rev. Ep- WARD CHEESE, son- in-law of the Bishop or DuRHAM, was in- ducted into the rec- tory of Haughton- le-Skerne on Friday night. The Rev. J. D. Bape, vicar of Aycliffe, and about twenty parishioners were present. The rector, after the Y ceremony of induc- tion, went round and shook hands with his new friends, expressing =y>- his conviction that “). ‘he should find the parish a very com- fortable one.’” No doubt a sufficiently rea- sonable convic- tion. Moderate work and ample pay are material elements of comfort. A parish which combines those advantages must be very unhealthy or barbarous to be uncomfortable. A contented mind is a continual feast, and the income of Haughton-le-Skerne ought at least to be capable of insuring that blessing, unless ague or typhus or some other form of zymotie disease is endemic there, or the inhabitants are savages who annoy their mis- sionary. Ifthe parish is salubrious, and the people are civilised, the Rector must be very unhappily constituted to be otherwise than com- fortable. Mn. CurzsE would be ill-tempered indeed to quarrel with his bread and butter, the butter being spread so thick as it is at Haughton-le-Skerne. Cheese and butter are natural allies; and Mr. Cuegse’s preferment may be considered as their re-union. Let us hope that the spiritual richness of the Durham Cheese will warrant the high price that has been put thereon, and justify a Bishop’s patronage. Why should not this Cheese become a caseous monument of piety and preaching as well as of preferment? In that case we shall rejoice to hear that the reverend incumbent of Haughiton-le-Skerne has discovered himself to have been a prophet in expressing the not un- likely conviction that he should find that sphere of usefulness a very | comfortable one. We recommend Mr, Cuezse to preserve all the jokes that have been made, and severe things that have been said, at his expense. When he shall have vindicated his lucrative position by his successful ministry, he will then be enabled to look those attacks over occasionally after dinner, whilst sipping his glass of sound old port, and the recollection of them will enhance the comfort of the parish which he so naturally expects to find very comfortable, YOICKS, YOUR REVERENCE ! Just now that ecclesiastical hypocrisy is uncommonly rampant, it is quite pleasing to be able to quote any evidence of straightforwardness existing amongst the clerical body. There is, doubtless, among our Euglish divines a party, however small, to whom the subjoined d- bill will appeal as persons, or parsons, whom it may concern :— To be Sold, with a prospect of Early Possession, THE NEXT PRESENTATION TO A RECTORY, In the most beautiful and picturesque part of North Devon, close to the Meets of the Devon and Somerset Stag and Fox Hounds. Population 300. A Newly-built Parsonage-House, and about 58 Acres of Good Glebe. CLEAR YEARLY INCOME ABOUT £200. For further Particulars, and to treat for the purchase, apply to MEssrRs. c. &e. | The above may be abused for a simoniacal advertisement. If it is | such, the simony is all above board. It is not a sneaking simony. It does not cant about the cure of souls, and a sphere of usefulness; it does not mention souls at all; says only “ Population 300;” a popu- lation whose souls are probably, as the soul of their Rector is expected tobe, in the hunting-field. It honestly offers a good thing to a man} in orders, who would like to be a gentleman farmer and fox-hunter. But where spirituality is so little in question, simony is a hard word to | apply to the sale of a living. The rectory of £200 a year, situate in | the most beautiful and picturesque part of North Devon, may not | suit those of the Clergy who frequent May Meetings at Exeter Hall, | but it will fit others who will do just as much good by riding to the | Meets of the Devon and Somerset Fox-hounds, enjoying healthy | recreation instead of unhealthy excitement. | The “Prospect of early possession,” held out as a motive for the | purchase of this piece of preferment, must not be too hastily concluded | to mean that the present Incumbent is old, or paralytic, or consump: | tive, or affected with a disease of the heart, or predisposed to apoplexy. | Still less can it be supposed to intimate that he is dying of hard work in preaching and ministering to his three hundred parishioners. It ify that he is a fox-hunting parson, and, may be merely intended to signi as such, liable, any day of the week, except Sunday, to break his neck, ; —

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| Marcu 23, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 119

| WALKER’S THE BALLAD OF ADMIRAL WALKER. Now all you bold reformers of the Admiral-i-tie, And all you gallant Admirals come listen unto me, It’s of a doleful history I am about to tell, d About bold Apmrran Wa.xer and the fate that him befell, *Twas in Admiralty dry-dock bold Watxer he did lie, All at his red “ moorings a-stranded high and dry, With a quill at his mast head, a flag of foolscap at his fore, And my Lords a firin’ minute-guns outside his office-door,

“Now clear your ship for action,” my Lords their signal flew— And Watxer he fooled bounceable as he ’d been lookin’ blue, *Up anchor, lads, and load your guns, my hearts of oak,” says he, “My Lords they have giv’n orders to face the enemie,” But soon bold Warxer looked more blue than he had looked afore When the Dockyard Committee down on his quarter bore, A pepperin’ of his topsides with questions hot and hot, And their sea-lawyer-questions a-pourin’ in, like shot. They raked him and they hulled him, and hit *twixt wind and tide: His tiller-ropes was shot away, his helm went yawin’ wide ; And down come his top-hamper, and deadened so his way, That damaged and disabled a sheer hulk there he lay. Then up and spoke bold Watxer, “I’m blest,” he says, says he, If in a game 0’ bowls like this again they ketches me, I’d face the French and Rooshians, if they was one to ten, But the shot of a Committee 1’l] never face again.” “ Refit your ship for action! ” again the signal flew, “* Two more Committees bearin’ down upon my Lords and you! It’s Duncomsx that bold pirate, and ELPHINSTONE also ; Spite of my Lords they ’ve sworn to take the Admiraltie in tow.” Then it’s up and spoke bold Watxer, “ Blow’d if I do!” says he. “You fight your ships ashore,” he says, “I’ll fight your ships at sea.” And down to Portsmouth Dockyard he takes a special train, And aboard 0’ the Narcissus his flag hoists at the main, “Now catch me, if you can,” says he, “the wind great guns it OWS ; But I’d rather brave the tempest—the worst o’ that I knows— Than face Committee’s broadsides, the figures and the jaw, Paid out by them sea-lawyers, with their lingo and their law.” Bold Duncomsz stood upon the deck, his spy-glass to his eye, “Now, where’s stout ApmrraL WaLKer ?—I cannot him espy.” And Etruiystone looked larboard, and starboard too looked he, But nothing of bold Waker could either of them see. And “Watxer! Watxer! Watxes!” my Lords began to ery, But those sons of guns of Echoes only “ WALKER” did reply. They telegraphed to Portsmouth, but telegraphs was vain, They sent slow steamers arter, which they all came back again, And nobody has clapp’d an eye on WALKER since the day That out o’ Portsmouth Dock ard the Narcissus steamed away. The wind it blew a gale ahea » but Waker didn’t mind, ; Along o’ them Committees that was kickin’ him behind, And still he’s somewhere cruisin’ in the Channel chops we know— Like the Flyin’ Dutchman, stunsails set, aloft and eke alow: But blest if into Portsmouth bold WALKER steams again, While there’s Committees to be met, and figures to explain. —— LOUD CRIES OF “ WALKER.” On the “ Railway Accidents ” Debate, J i by stating = Mr. Jacxsoy surprised us “The fact is, the whole railway world is at sea.” Well, we should have thought the sea was about the last place the railway world would have th ht of goi y | want there ? ‘ Ought of going to. Whatever can they as Science 0 i ; ing bale coon waves? Aran vercome the great difficulty of laying down events, they would have no lack of what is called “rolling stock.” However, since the railway world is at sea, pemege they would not mind, in the event of their falling in with Str i a the Admiralty a deal of unneces Tun after a fast one.

eens eee

WARBLER.

THE CRUISE OF THE ADMIRAL. BY AN ADMIRALTY POET. How gallantly, how pleasantly, he boundeth o’er the sea! From fears of close Committee rooms our Admiral is free : You see he knows a thing or two we wish kept snugly dark, © we've started off the Admiral, and cry God speed his bark ! Tis terrible to think from him what awkward truths might come, hat tongues he might untie which now are fortunately dumb ; I would not speak with levity, yet own I feel a doubt If even the Big Ship would hold the cats he could let out. ‘Tis he can tell what jobs are done beneath the naval rose, - Rage how by by -_, mrt ne ne, and new the money goes: is he can say our fleet w i d, And show, though iron’s proved th ing, we still keop *Tis he knows all our dockyards, and the cost of their delays : pow uae <= pa pa eke Fay and rot in Hamoaze: ow clever schemes get pooh-poo' y some pert official pup, And trial ships so oft break down, and then get teokea - P He knows how man millions in repairs we yearly wast " And how old tubs pd tinkered 7 padres. up with most expensive haste : e knows of all our gunboat fleet how few there are of use, How many paddles now won’t work, how many screws are loose. Were he before Committee brought, what tales he might unfold! How articles just paid for, as “old stores” are daily sold : The failures of our architects, and what their cost he’d tell, And how a ship that ought to sail too often proves a sell. He’d tell how in our dockyard ‘There ’d come one day a telegram the job to countermand : Next week would bring an order to destroy what had been done, And ere the month was out the work would be anew begun. They ’d ask why ships are fitted out, and when in perfect trim Recalled, and all their hands paid off, for merest Whitehall whim ; Suc questions might give rise perhaps to some unpleasant talk. © we said—-His name is WALKER, and away he’d better walk ! We manned our fastest ship for him, the fleetest of the fleet : Then came the cry to call him back: with cheers the cry we greet. “Oh yes, be sure we ’l] fetch him here—What ho! And forth the tardy tortoise starts to catch the flying So gallantly and gaily may the good ship onward fly, That bears away our Admiral from the Nose its hue and cry : And when the storm of rude remarks that threatens now is o’er, We'll welcome our brave Admiral home to his native shore. ce.

“Walker is one who Walks.”’—Johnson. Sm Batpwimv WatxeR, says the Times, “ Navy ever since Sir Roper? Pext’s time.” Now, “ Surveyor,” says the Dictionary, is a synonym for “overseer,” and of this word JOuN- SON gives the meaning “one who’ overlooks.” Referring to WALKER —the writer not the admiral—we find this definition of the substantive confirmed : and we doubt not that Sm Batpwiy, were he brought before Committee (of which there seems to be not the slightest chance at present) would show that it had been his business not so much quite to look over as to overlook. has been Surveyor of the

What Affectation ! . Here’s the Emperor or Austria making a tremendous fuss e

| Tue Venetians take their revenge against the Austrian bank-notes This act of kindness will save | that sary trouble in sending slow ships to} one that comes into their hands | Sentinel to NaroLzon :—“ On ne passe pas ici, cause some one has been forging 100,000,000 notes on his Imperial Treasury | e have no patience with such affected nonsense. Just as if so small a number as 100,000,000 Austrian bank-notes could be of the slightest value at any time to anybody! The Emperor has more humour in him than we gave him credit for, and that is about the extent of the credit we should feel inclined to give him under his present reduced circumstances,

POOR AUSTRIA! are attempted. to be forced upon them by stamping upon every the words of the print-illustrious

e thing, we still keep using wood. 8, when there’s urgent work on hand, for sea prepare! ” | har

| | |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcu 23, 1861, rw? TT TAT OT wT TrArvrewnr 4TArhT GONE AWAY! Tr —*rTrrarrTryr Old Coachman, “Now, Miss Etten! Miss Etten! You KNOW wHat your Pa sarin! You wAS TO TAKE THE GREATEST CARE or Jory ! ”—— Miss Ellen. “So I wit, Ropert! anp THAT’S WHY I AM TAKING HIM OFF THE NASTY Harp Roan, Poor Tuinc!” “BEGGAR MY NEIGHBOUR.” An Enternational Duet. LOUIS. * Come, Mr. But, your purse is full, Let’s have a friendly game : See, here I play you my La Gloire, Now what’s the card you name?” JOHN, “TI play my Warrior, a good card, And one [’II freely back : Then follow suit with my Black Prince, The king of all the pack. * And so for every card you play,’ You’ll find that I’ll play two; My purse is heavy, as you say— Who’ll tire first, I or you? “ Your little game, my foreign friend, Is one that two can play: And he will be most sure to win Who can the longest pay. “ But is it wise to waste our time (Nor is that loss the chief), In games that can do neither good, And may bring both to grief? “ Throw up your cards, I’ll throw up mine, d cease this fruitless labour : There’s better work for each to do Than Beggaring his Neighbour ! ” SPIRITUALISM AND QUARTER-DAY. As one of those four periods of the year at which rent is supposed | to be paid, but is very frequently not paid, is now coming on, many | persons who, unfortunately, are not in a position of ability to make | that paymens, may be getting anxious about their furniture, lest it| should be distrained by the landlord. Under these circumstances, | would it be possible, by the aid of a medium, to impart to tables a per- manent faculty of tipping and rapping—implant a motive power in| chairs and stools, and inspire coffers and chests of drawers with an | energetic agency? Because, if an execution were put into a house) wherein all the furniture had been so spiritualised as to knock, and | tilt, and walk about, and rock to and fro, and creak and crack, and otherwise behave itself as though actuated by intelligence, the sheriff's officer would be frightened away from the house. The broker would | decline having anything to do with the bewitched goods and chattels. | Among moveables constantly in voluntary motion around him, and/| making all manner of noises, the fellow in charge of them would feel | himself too uncomfortable to remain, He would speedily obey the intimations conveyed by them in rapping out messages which he would | interpret as unmistakeable requests to be off. The atmosphere of the | sticks would be too hot to hold the Man in Possession, who would dis- | cover them to be the subjects of a possession prior to his own ; effects | possessed by emissaries of a personage worse than even his ow2| employer, Notice of Motion. Mr. Puncs, to move that, with a view to save the pablic time and allow legislation to proceed, yet nevertheless to enable Honourable Members fond of talking to ask all manner of questions and make n0 end of speeches on the affairs of Europe, and other topics foreign to British interests, and to the purpose of Parliament, the whole Business of the Nation be referred to a Select Committee. tnarnmrwrnr iTrOCQrr©Ty(/y FTF ATTT

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Marcu 23, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 128 OUR ROVING CORRESPONDENT. “My prar Pounce, : “ Havine the honour to be your ‘ Roving Correspondent,’ I naturally feel it my duty to keep up my erratic character as much as sible. I have recounted to you my experience of various places rom ancient Rome to Modern Athens, and, later, have not allowed the paltry consideration of cab-hire to interfere with my Metropolitan pere- inations in of a text. But the question is now, in what irection to proceed. Shall I take counsel of the Muses—bid them saddle me Pegasus with all possible dispatch? Alack! Clio will no more come at my summons than Mas. Kivanan, my laundress, who allowed me to ring seventeen times this morning before she answered the bell; and as for Pegasus, I can scarcely afford to keep a cob. There | was a humbler and more familiar winged creature to whom we appealed | in early days. The form of invocation was, as far as I reeollect :— “ Goosey, goosey, gander, ] Whither shall I wander? | Up-stairs, down-stairs, j In my lady’s cham——.” | | “sha! The rhyme is manifestly incorrect, and besides any roving of such an exclusively domestic nature would soon become a dreary pilgrimage which I doubt if you would care to chronicle. _ . “Do you take my allegory? ‘London is a fruitful subject and, in the season (I speak as a mere worldling, you know), few places are so charming as a residence, but we all like to leave it now and and when the last speech has been made in that Parliament which has but just assembled, when half the blinds in Belgrave Square are enveloped in brown paper, away will scud Mons. Jonzs, Sicnon Brown, and Herr Rosrson to the Continent. I know their haunts. I have seen Jonxzs for instance, at Chateau Rouge, in Paris, attempting to dance, and I give you my word, he signally failed. I could make you die with laughter by imitating pay Ropinson and the appalling imaces which he made over a dish of sauerkraut in the Baierischer- of, Munich. As for Brown, if any gentleman should be inclined to regard him as a mythical personage, I beg leave to offer my testimony to the contrary, for he lives withi r now, and his son (VANDYKE) shared a studio with me lately in Rome. Rome! why does i Rares ter at that word? Was it not from the Eternal City that I first had the pleasure of addressing you? I hinted that I was at a loss for a subject. What if I were to ‘try back?’ Italy is just now the great centre of European interest. Pusch, on the other hand, is the great organ of public opinion. Rome is, or is to be, the great capital of Italy ; an Ergo, Rome shall be my subject.* _“* Rome. Why did there ? what route did I take? and how did I spend my time on the banks of the Tiber? these, methinks are questions which I might answer in a few letters that should be both amusing and instruac—— Well, perhaps I may say instructive too ; for, rely on it, I shall treat of some matters which you will not find in mie Handbook, andj which neither Nisvnr nor Nisy- liave iscussed. “So, with your leave, I will make bold at once to enter on “JACK EASEL’S JOURNAL, _ “Thad just sold my first historical picture{you will find it described in the Royal a Catalogue (No., 5099),—viz., Conon rebuilding the Long Walls at Athens,%s.c. 363,—when my old friend Dick Dewserry, of Trin. Coll., @am., looked me up at my humble studio in Soho. = _ “Dick, after meper grea twice plucked (and bearing that calamity on each occasion with wopfierful resignation), had been up for his degree a third time, andfiad just pulled through. So, before entering on his legal studies af/the Temple, the youth had urged on his Papa, Mz. D. (of that w@-known firm DewseErry, Dumers & DewBERRY), the experience of ¥ little foreign travel. The old gentleman, who has great notion of the benefits to be derived from ‘seeing the world,’ expanding thefintellect,’ &c., &c., assented to the proposition with his usual good-nafure, and out of his own library gave Dick, ALISON’s a sixpenny fare of my chambers| B am your humble servant. | }, to join him—and, over a modest little dinner at the Chanticleer, we agreed to start on the following Monday, and after staying afew weeks at Porto Franco, to make straight for Rome, where I intended to paint and Tom to read: the Eternal City being—to quote again the words rool Dzwserry—an inexhaustible mine of artistic and classical interest. : _ “To you, my dear Punch, who haye no doubt made the very sam journey yourself, I will not recount all the various little incidents which happened on the road. Novel writers and lady journalists have chronicled such from time immemorial, and to my mind the ros , recurrence of the same species of anecdote has become rather a bore. To Sam Saunrer or Pereoaae Smirn who read these pages over their coffee at the Divan, or after dinner at the Pallas Minerva Club—what boots it, I say, to these gentlemen, to be told how rough the weather was in crossing the or what were our first im- pressions on landing at Boulogne? Old Carstcomss sipping his claret at the Wanderers ee host of ane more entertaining than that stupid one which D. D. repeats to this day, about the tipsy Irishman going into the lady’s cabin on board the Baron Nosey, or the eee ff me gy the steward made in consequence of Lapy Paism’s bad French. Those dlas¢ old clubsters have experienced such passages, and gone through similar scenes a hundred times, and take no more notice of them in print than of a country cousin in Pall Mall, or a charity sermon at St. Grimes’s. So we will, if you please, make short work of the journey; and indeed scarcely anything happened in it worth reco’ save that at Boulogne ee MasTER Drox, confided to the care of the chef garcon at the Hotel de ye | (until his return) most of the calf bound tomes which his fond father had recommended to his attention, in order to make room for some ingenious French Romances more suited to his taste; and that an un- leasant little affair occurred at the well-known Botanical and Natural tory Gardens.of Mabille in Paris (after Dicx’s second bottle of Chablis), when some gens d’armes officiously i and thus Pee - a few days longer than we had intended to remain in that amous city. “We sagt a viet at Dijon, where I am ashamed to say I quite | forgot to ask for celebrated mustard, which my old French master AvREUR (he has never forgiven me) so ‘oularly charged me to remember, and taking the steamboat at Chalons, where} I made a little sketch and an enormous dinner, we went down the Soane and Rhone very pleasantly to the next day embarked on board the Crache-feu (Captain Bow1zs) for Porto Franco, having paid our fare in the ‘aft,’ including dinner, with as much of that quality of wine, very properly called or , as We drink at a sitting. Enough, | owever, they say is as as & feast, and since this letter is suffi- ciently long already, you shall hear more of that banquet in my next. * Faithfully yours, | * Jack East,” THE REFORM BREEZE. Lorp Joun has received the following letter :-— | ** Dear sir,—hearing as how = in want of a Little Breeze to cary the reform bil over the bar of the ouse o' eon aig aco gh tng oe mage pce i the same = much at your dispodgal w: ihope Redspeckfolly we shall come | to tums, and | * remain, Dear Sir, sony, } “Your umble Sarvant, | “Maonos carTER Dark, “ Dust Poorwayor to Her Madjisty.” Lozp JoHN, we are informed, has not as yet deigned to send a | reply. a his Lordship, with his usual astuteness, looks upon it as a hoax. By the bye, Lory Jon wanted a breeze for the Reform Bill, and it | strikes us that he has come in for it himself; and such an unnatural | parent deserved blowing up a little for abandoning his offspring. | Painful Imprudence. History of Exffrope (large edition); Greson’s Decline and Fall of the Roman te e (do, do. complete); Forsyrn’s Italy; Smiru’s Greek and Roman fiquities; together with Dr. Lemprrere’s Classical a praluable Dictionary : without which celebrated works, as Mr. ep ales , SEN. (himself an old Carthusian, and Honorary Fourth at xford) justly remarked, no one possessing an average stock of intelli- sence cang possibly enjoy travelling in Italy. b - had quitted Eastminster School a couple of years before Dick, “to we hala both been fagged and licked at that time-honoured seminary ouether, nd were in fact old chums; so that, being in very good spirits about thd sale of my icture, and having worked very steadily for three months ¥reviously, D. D. did not find much difficulty in persuading me confess that we do not quite follow our friend's course of argument. His are ape enough, but their relation seems a little obscure. However, it is ible he m A re. yrtem | = p ay be right in his deduction, and, to say the truth, we bappen to ve ATELY. Ons of the declarations relative to Zssays and Reviews which, signed by numerous Clergymen, have appeared in the papers, actually contains paginal references to those parts of that volume which the gentlemen whose signatures are attached to the manifesto condemn as heterodox. We abstain from quoting the numbers of the pages indicated by the reverend gentlemen, If 8 jews contain sceptical passages, Mr. Punch at \east will not furnish them with an index, REFORM ANTI-REFORMERS, Tue loss of Mz. Locke Kuve’s motion for the reduction of the County franchise suggests a consideration to which our friends the extreme Liberals should take heed. It is this, that the country is getting sick of debates about reform which, by impeding useful legis- tion, hinder practical reforms.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marcy 23, 1861. QUITE A LEGAL LINE. Tue moral philosophy respecting gentle blood professed by JoR YELVERTON has elicited certain statements eens 6 low origin to the House of Avonmore. reply to these, another member of the Yetverton family has written a letter to the Jrish Times, assuring the editor of that journal that “there is no older or better blood” than theirs in the country. f this assertion he advances the following proof — “The YELVERTONS can show four chief judges in their | | pedigree.” _ Oh! The Yetvertons can show four chief judges in their pedigree, can they? They can also show a defendant in a celebrated civil action. They will be lucky if they have not further to show an eminent culprit. To four ornaments of the ermine it will be well for them if there shall not be added a notoriety of the bar, at which | the heir of a judicial House may possibly be indicted for bigamy. Then their descendants will have had four ancestors on the bench and one in the dock. Note on Naval Estimates. We want more iron-clad steamers. What next? Not anything at present, perhaps; but | by-and-by our Warriors and Black Princes will | SS . | be abolished by the discovery of some new pro- | S jectile capable of sinking or smashing them ; and |; then our ironsides will take their place with | Brown Bess among a class of antiquities which OW MARY HANNE FOLLOWS THE FASHION. y will be presueneel rest. 4 'A CHOKER FOR HIGH CHURCHMEN. ConsIDERABLE ability is shown by the religious newspapers, s0 called, in catering for the theological palate of their respective readers. It is possible, however, to cut hypocritical humbug too fat. For example, take the subjoined slice from the Union, mockpopish organ :— “* PRAYERS FOR THE Pore.—We are surprised that the clergy have not publicly asked the prayers of their con; tions for the suffering church in Italy, and for Pore Prius Nixt#, so sorely tried just now. Surely, whatever may be the different shades of opinion prevailing in the Church of England with regard to the Roman branch of the Church catholic, and the Bishop of Rome, its earthly head, no High churchman at least can refuse to supplicate the Diyine Head of the one holy catho- lic and apostolic church, that it may please Him to comfort and relieve our afflicted sister Church according to her several necessities, giving her patience under her sufferings, and a happy issue out of all her afflictions.” This lump of gammon is a little more than big enough for the widest “Anglo Catholic” swallow. The most gullible frequenter of “8.” Barnabas would choke in the attempt to gulp “the suffering church in Italy,” and the Por, “sorely tried;” supposed to be tried and suf- fering as undergoing persecution and martyrdom. The very incumbent of St. George’s-in-the-East, if he has not altogether gone over to Rome, can hardly hold, and be prepared to pray for, the temporal sovereignty of the Roman Pontiff. The Union, moreover, rates the understanding of its subscribers ridiculously low in inviting them to offer prayers for the Bisnor or Rome, regarded as the head of one branch of the Church Catholic, whilst they acknowledge the AncuBIsHOP OF Can- TERBURY as the head of another. As if every high Churchman did not very well know himself to be disowned by the Pore as a heretic and a schismatic, and was not aware that the ARcHBIsHOr OF CANTERBURY has been solemnly abolished by a Papal edict superseding that prelate by an ARCHBISHOP OF WESTMINSTER. As though every fool, the greatest in Pimlico, required to be informed that even if Dr. Puszy himself were to die in his Puseyism, his very remains would be denied burial ina Roman Catholic cemetery. Pray for the Porz?—very proper; very proper !—as a late Royal Duke used to say. Pray for the Por, yes, to be sure; along with Jews, Turks, Infidels, and Heretics; and a will reciprocate the charity which the earthly head of the Roman ranch of the Church Catholic may possibly vouchsafe to exercise towards yourselves. The Union seems to suppose its party ignorant of the fact that the Porz no more recognises them than he does the Recordites, and that he anathematises the ‘“‘ Anglo-Catholic ” Church head, body, and limbs. The Record, indeed, might consistently advise its readers to pray for the Por, without insulting their intellects. Pray for those who curse you, would perhaps be the suggestion of our evangelical contemporary. But the Union, in affecting to make common cause politically with Pro Nono, betrays, or rather parades, a ridiculous contempt for the minds to whose peedion its business is to purvey. As a commercial speculation ing with educated men, the pseudo-papistical journal should beware of laying it on too thick. We beg the Union’s pardon if it is genuinely papistical, and conducted by Jesuits, who merely write under orders from their General, and have a dispensation for pretending to be English parsons, ATTRACTIVE NOVELTY. A new invention, which promises to revolutionise the system of naval warfare, is hereby proposed to the notice of the Admiralty. The idea im which it consists is that of constructing an immense iron screw- steamer, considerably bigger than the Great Hastern, to contain a huge magnet, maintained in action by means of a galvanic arrangement | carried on board. The superior swiftness of so large and powerful a | vessel would enable her easily to overtake one of much smaller size. | In case, therefore, the Gloére, or any other of the iron-clad frigates | which our allies are building, threatened to be troublesome, the mag- | netic monster ship would have simply to run after her and get within | hail of her, when the force of attraction would terminate the | chace. The big vessel would attract the little one as a child with a | toy-magnet draws a little boat to the edge of a wash-hand basin. The enemy might thus be quietly towed into port; for her fire would be | ineffectual against her gigantic adversary, trom whose deck shells | might be dropped, and prussic acid, cacodyle, melted iron poured | into her, if necessary. She might, however, be safely suffered to blaze | away, offering her captor a resistance similar to the kicks and cuffs | wherewith a little pic tpocket struggles against ree who is dragging him along. The expense of this addition to Khe Navy would | not be small; but in for a penny in for a pound: in fwr a great deal | more than tenpence in the pound. What it cost us in) electro-mag- | netism we should save in gunpowder, for there would be small need ak ship to carry guns when armed with an all-powerful galvanic | attery. Members of the same Family that are very Distant to one Another. f Wasuineron is generally known as the “City of Magnificent Dis- | tances.” We think, if the gulf keeps widening, that title will have | to be taken from the capital, and given to the country at larg7e; for if these secessions and riptures continue much longer, it will be A, ec itself that will soon be known as “Tue Nation or Maenri/ycen? | Distances.” |

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aA koal oan PUNCH, OR THE LONDON Mancu 23, 1861.] CHARIVARI. 125 OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. O, dear Punch, these letters of mine are making a sensation. After what I have both heard and read, it would be affected in me to deny it. Nor can I conceal the fact that what I write is not very pleasing to the press, however welcome and agree- able it may be to the public. From the tone in which some few of your contempo- raries have talked of it, one would think dramatic criticism now were, a close borough, and that a free and independent voice could not be suffered in it, It is as though a cuckoo had crept into a =. I row’s nest, and set the family party be ‘ all chattering an chirping. ‘ One [writer accuses me of paying very readily and writing very ill, while another talks about my ‘ inexperienced prejudice,’ and says my ‘gentle dulness ’ has no discrimination, and only can defame. “TI find these latter compliments in a paragraph which calls you ‘ our satirical hebdomadal,’ and thus comments on your presence not long since at Drury Lane :— “ The press has well nigh unanimously passed their veto on Mr. Kean as a great actor: the public have endorsed this decision with a forest of hands, and resounding peals of applause. How comes it Mr. Punch must needs creep up in a corner, and with one or two congenial spirits, hiss when nobody else does ?” * JT would that what this writer states were literally true, and that the press had really ‘ passed their veto on Mr. Kean.’ But unhappily the press, with one or two exceptions, has done just the reverse, and has ‘werry much applauded’ what it ought to have decried. Inthus misleading the public to form a wrong conception, the press, as I conceive, has done itself no good, and has done the public harm : and when the latter learns how it has been misled, it will cancel all its confidence in those who have misguided it. The duty of a critic is to point.out imperfections, and to praise what is well done. But his standard of excellence should by his judgment and experience be higher than his readers, and his remarks should tend to elevate and correct the public taste. When he cracks up Mr. Kean as a ‘most consummate artist,’ he betrays a faulty judgment, or states what he knows is false. The public for a while may ‘endorse his decision,’ but depend on it ere long they will use their own discernment, and refuse to be misled. Why I chiefly blame such writers is, that the course they are pursuing is degrading to the press, which must cease to be looked up to for integrity or taste. To applaud without a word of censure such a Hamlet as Cuartes Kean’s, is to A a thorough lack of judgment and experience, such as clearly must unfit a critic for his post. Of course the public may cry Bravo! without thinking much about it, but a critic is ee ay and should be careful where he claps. It may seem snobbish to quote Latin in answer to a writer who doesn’t know what the word ‘veto’ means, but if any British playgoer asked me how to recognise the Hamlet of Cuantes KEan, I would tell him, in the words of Horacz (slightly altered) — * Si quid novisti vilius isto, Candidus imperti: si non, hiss utere mecum,” _ "I have not yet seen the Chimney Corner, of which I hear good tidings; but if people want a contrast to that quiet piece, I should advise their taking a seat at Drury Lane and a sight at the Savannah. They who like to sup on horrors may here have quite a surfeit ; but they had better put some cotton in their ears before they go, or they may run a risk of being deafened by the firing. ‘Pop goes the Rifle’ is the tune throughout the piece ; and when the curtain falls there is a regular double-barelled rattling fusillade, with the addition of some big guns anging in the distance. However much one wants to emigrate, one would not like to live in Mexico, if what one sees in the Savannah be a true picture of existence. The scenery, indeed, must be worth going to look at, if it be only f as beautiful as Mz. Beveruey has painted it; but a nervous man would ardly appreciate its loveliness, beset as his each step would be with robbers, tigers, rifle-bullets, poisoned flowers, and boa-eonstrictors. By the way, I never saw a boa-constrictor on the stage before, and I must notice its débdé as quite a startling novelty | It wriggled through its part with all the ease of an old stager, and the effect which it produced was literally screaming. As for attempting a description of the plot of this new drama, it would puzzle a Machiavel to give the merest outline of it. Enough that Mr. RypEr is recog- feng at once as a hoarse and hairy villain, and Mrs. Cuartes J. MATHEWS as 1s Interesting victim : her husband being fitted with a harum-skarum character, which enables him to turn up whenever he is wanted to act as a relief to the horrors of the yam. Those who saw Mz. Maruews in the Overland Mail may have some notion of his power of adapting himself to circumstances, and will hardly stare to see him emerge from swamp and jungle, as cool and self-possessed as though from Bond Street or Cheapside, arrayed in ‘zephyr coat’ untorn and a pee of spotless boots. Nor, after the first act or two, will they much wonder at the other miracles they witness ; as, for instance, troops of ballet-girls appearing in full fig in the middle of a prairie: both ruffians and rescuers again alive and kicking, and whom they a while ago beheld, ‘before! their very De pad shot, drowned, poisoned, thrown down torrents, tied upon wild horses, brained with mas- sive cos et boulders, or hurled headlong into chasms of unfathomable depth. It may seem strange, and not quite natural, that a score of well-armed ruffians should wait for night to lie in ambush for a couple of Cockney tourists, whose only weapons were a pistol and a Post- Office Directory ; but nature in these cases must give way to stage effect; and when four men dodge round tree- trunks in the Yankee style of duelling, we must not wonder to see one of them rush out of his hiding-place, make full a minute’s speech of most unbearable abuse, and then only to be shot at (and missed at three yards distance) when he had quite finished it. This quadrangular combat, which comes by way of climax to the comic situations, gave me a new insight into backwood fighting. was not aware before that, in ‘ primeval forests,’ rifles, ready-loaded, grew behind the trees; yet that such must e case was clearly shown in the Savannah, for at least a dozen ‘shots were fired by the four duellists, and Tam i certain that not one of them re-loaded. “ Altogether I must own ‘that I relished the Savannah much more than I did Hamlet, as seen lately at this theatre, although some parts of the latter were vastly entertaining, and I think, too, the subordinates engaged at D: Lane are seen to more advantage in such pieces than_in SHaxs- PEARE. **To close the evening’s entertainment, which was over very. rationally soon after eleven—(I wish that every cur- tain would drop as the clock strikes) there was some pleasant dancing by Mapiiz. pi Ruona, who is both quick and graceful in what she undertakes, lt is not often that these epithets can with truth be coupled, and when I say that this pone dancer can use her tongue well-nigh as neatly as she can her legs, I am giving her more praise than most of her profession are likely to deserve. {may add Le Roi des Pierrots is quite worth staying to see, and does credit to the comic powers of MonsrzuR Knaack, who besides the talent for arranging pretty groups, has himself decidedly a knaack of comic dancing. “One wHo Pays.” ASTONISHING BLUNDER. | Bisnor Troweg, in introducing the clerical deputation which waited upon the ARcHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY the other day to deliver their protest against Zssays and Reviews, observed that the address they had assembled to present had been signed by “nearly 8000 of the clergy, Including Deans, Archdeacons, and Professors at the Universities of every shade of opinion.” The Bishop might as well have said nothing about the different shades of opinion prevalent amongst his associates. To so many various shades what is the addition of one more shade, lighter or darker? It is difficult to see how a body of every shade of opinion can unite in condemning any shade of opinion; and if they do, one would feel disposed to — in point of honesty, they were not particular to a shade, A New Point of View. { We have often heard persons say, “Oh! I saw it at once with half an eye.” Now we never could make out what “half an eye” was; for though we have seen all | kinds of eyes, yet we never recollect having seen half a | one, unless perhaps it was what children call a bull’s-eye. | We suppose that half an eye is a day-pupil. Tae Bishor or Duruam’s Excusr FoR His Patroy- aGE.—‘ CHEESE always cones in before Dessert.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAR.. [Maron 93, 1861. ih f) i} TIAL Yy ALL phy Wy Y, Mb Mp eee Le Y/f YI. ii Wi J Y We, DINING UNDER DIFFICULTIES. HERE WE SPIRITS ARE AGAIN! ABORIGINAL POEMS FOR INFANT MINDS. Gtancrne at the Era, the other day at breakfast, we found that our . hal / . : : } BY LORD MACAULAY’S NEW ZEALANDER. digestion was considerably disturbed by this startling bit of news :— a . I, HE SPIRIT OF JOEY GRIMALDI YET WALKS THE EARTH. Cxackanoo, chickaboo, chuckaboo, chew, Th —THEATRE rep oem gg ag rey amped ae of yo ype Mark baby over with pretty tattoo: ‘ eatres, Gardens, ms Halls, 5 —_— vi N, - r ? aiiiee Geahetiianieh, temnbder. Ctmnesh. onchi Paatonstenieh, now folliling a taont Cut in the pattern like open-work tart : successful engagement as Clown at the above Theatre, will be at liberty March 4th, Rub in the powder, and make baby smart. 1861. Managers requiring his services please address as above. All letters promptly attended to.—P.S, Engagement in Scotland or Ireland preferred. IL. Good gracious! we exclaimed; have the Spirits come to this? Are Catch a little white boy, catch him by the leg, they summoned from the vasty deep, or wherever else they come from, - oa be he y Sa pte d eee, not merely to turn tables and play tricks with the furniture, but to go Put hi ares the tabl y ith the missio: about the provinces in pantomimic troops, tumbling, bending, and con- os pees ete Oi tar tiem 7 a tortionising for country folk to gape at? A hard fate it is doubtless, II. to be called up into drawing-rooms to dupe a pack of fools with Tattoo him, tattoo him, artist-man rappings and with tappings, and with twinings, and with tiltings, and So we will, father, as fast as we can, wit. the hackneyed tricks of pantomimic spirit utterance; but Prick him. and prick him, and mark him with V. how much worse must it be to have to wander about the world the For the name of the Queen that lives over the sea. ghost of what one was, and to tickle country bumpkins with the ashes of one’s wit! Alas! poor Yorick! Zheu! poor Jory Grimatpr ! Is there then no peace for your perturbed spirit? We thought the Will my baby go a courting, last shred of your mantle, Joz, had long since disappeared, torn to Yes, and so my baby shall: atoms imperceptible in the struggle that arose for it. e fondly Take his club and bang the lady : hoped at length Se were allowed to be at rest, and that no disturbing That’s the way to court the gal, hand would evermore intrude upon you. But it seems we were deceived. “Here you are again, we see, heading an advertisement, and Wes " lugged in neck and heels to puff a clumsy plagiarist. Nay, who knows O fie, naughty- Wane-Wane, don’t scratch little brother, but you were forced to pen the puff yourself? Spirits have been made You’re spoiling his pattern, you mischievous dunce: _ of late to give the world their autographs, and why should they not be Live like good little cannibals, love one another— induced to write their own advertisements? This, strange though it Or Mamma’ll take you both, dear, and eat you at once. may seem, is a more reasonable presumption than that a living man with brains should pen what we have quoted. Iv. VI. What, cry when I’d cook you, not like to be stewed? Then go and be raw, and not fit to be food. Until you leave off, and I see that you’ve smiled, A Whisper in the Ear of Brother Jonathan. I shan’t take the trouble to eat such a child. Kerr together, whatever you‘do. Maintain the Union at any risk. e tell you—and Punch never was wrong yet—that the secret of EE America’s strength is gone, like every secret, the moment it is split. Misfortune Never Comes Sing!ly. “ Writ, I declare, it’s just like my luck (exclaimed a poor IF Mr. ROEBUCK will promise never to return to his disconsolate | unfortunate merchant in the Boreas) here have Hops been rising constituents at Sheffield, his late extraordinary conduct on the Austrian business | lately ever 80 high, and now, I’m told, the Poles have risen also.” _. will be forgotten, and, if possible, forgiven ; and, on their side, the constituents promise most solemnly that they will never make another effort to seek the future return of Mr. Roepuck. Joun Arraur, along Adieu. Grinder’s Hall, March 16. | Apvice To A Musician oF THE Future.—Try Baca. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of fo. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park. both in ths Parish of St. Pancras,in the County of og Printers, at their Office in Lembard Bt eet, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City’ of Loudon, and Publishea by them at No. 85, Fleeti*Street. in the Parish of St. Bride, in the City London.—Sarvzpay, March 23, 1861. Qo, ] woe Oe Oe OO Om et eked

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Marce 30, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. WHATEVER MAY BE A FRENCHMAN’S DEFECTS, HE aT LEAST KNOWS HOW TO Dress—anD Isn’t THE HaT HE NOW WEARS A SWEET THING ? THE SCARLET ROVER. Sinks it at last to rise no more, The thing miscalled the Bark of Peter ? Oft has it been capsized before, To right again; and men discreeter Than once, the hopeful thought will check That Pirate is at length a wreck. Yet. neither boasts the Pirate’s crew, ith unassailable foundation, That she has passed all scathless through The tempest and the tribulation, By every storm her bull was shattered, Her yards were snapped, her sails were tattered. Three hundred years ago she sprung A leak, which calking roughly mended ; And peaus, prematurely sung, Too soon proclaimed her voyage ended, When Peter’s Bark her first great shock Sustaining, struck on Peter’s Rock. Refitted and repaired again, She still some while the gale may weather ; A lie believed by many men Will hold a length of time together. She may not founder now, nor tumble At once to bits ;, may slowly crumble. But see, her mainmast ’s nearly gone; Her timbers are completely shivered ! Her company may yet hold on, Although her captives are delivered, Tis almost, if not quite, all over With that old craft, the Scarlet Rover. There are no Children Nowadays. «| Fond Parent. Shame on you, Jur1a! You know you have | been out to a number of parties this season, Weren’t you | out last Tuesday, Miss ? call that a party. Why, there were no ices!!! PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. March 18, Monday. The Schleswig-Holstein question is making Lorp ELLENBOROUGH uncomfortable, and he thinks that the Prussians are disposed to begin a war with Denmark, that in this case France will take part with the latter, and so a general disturbance will be | brought on. Lorp WoprEnovsE endeavoured to calm the elephantine mind by informing its owner that the Kine or Denmark (made an | important concession as to the taxation grievance in Holstein, and there were hopes of a pacific termination of the affair. In both Houses to-night Addresses of Condolence were voted to Her Masesty, who, on the preceding Saturday, had heen deprived of her admirable parent, the Ducuzss or Kent. Lorp GranvitieE and Lorp Dery, in the House of Lords, and Lonp Paumerston and Mr. Dts- RAELTI, in the House of Commons, gave graceful expression to the feelings with which the sorrows of the QuEEN are regarded by her people. | | The Commons worked at the Bankruptcy Bill, which, after a great | deal of discussion, went through Committee, but with reservations of Bill for making people on their taking certain offices (not chambers, Wiscount, but situations) take also vows not to injure the Church of England, was moved by Lorp Taunton, and opposed by Lorp CuELMsFORD, who insisted that the time when Dissenters were doing cessions to them. A majority of the Lords, 49 to 38, took the same view, and the Bill was sent flying. When the Afghanistan business had to be discussed, years ago, the espatches of Sim ALEXANDER Burnes were published for the use of Parliament. But the editors of the work, being ministers, and much more concerned to vindicate themselves than to save the reputation of Sir ALEXANDER, cut down his matter with exceeding freedom. The excised portions of the correspondence are stated to place Sir A. B.’s character in a very different light from that in which-it stopd at the time, and his friends are naturally anxious to have the subject investi- gated. Mr. Dun op brought the question up, and some very strong language was used on both sides. Lorp Patmersron defending the mutilation, and being much abused, therefore, by Mr. Bricut, who declared that a felonious offence had been committed. Mr DisRragti came to the rescue after his peculiar fashion, and demanded why Mr. Brieut, if he thought Lorp PAtMeRsTON a party to felony, had voted confidence in him a couple of years ago ? Two divisions were taken, important clauses. Later in the week these came in again, and Su” but'158 to 61, and 159 to 49 are numbers that show how little the Huecx Carns compelled the abandonment of the proposed provisions for dealing with the insolvent estates of deceased persons, which bits of | the Bill were melodramatically called the’ Dead Man’s clauses. There | is still great uneasiness felt lest the Bill should give a tradesman power to turn a gentleman into a bankrupt while he is away at Baden or on the moors, and in the course of one of the debates Sir RicaarD | BetueEtt told Mr. Rozwuck that there was no more danger of such | @ thing than there was of Mr. Rozsucx’s being made bankrupt while he was away in Austria, being petted by archduchesses in gilded | saloons, a poke which amused the House. Finally, after various | divisions, it was arranged that the Bill should be re-printed, and the Third Reading taken directly after Easter. Such is the progress of the | real measure of the session. House is induced to rake up old grievances. Wednesday. Srx Joun TRELAWNY desires to introduce reforms into the system of County Rating, and to give the rate-payers some little control over the magistrates. Sir Joun Paxrneroy, for the county gentlemen, has no idea of any such impertinence, and the second baronet beat the first, and the Bill by which it was proposed to effect the purpose was rejected on Second Reading. A Mr. Best seems to have given PaxineTon and the Worcester magnates vast offence by alleging that they govern by means of a clique, to which the other justices are subservient, and Six Joun declared that Mr. Best’s allegation was a falsehood, and that he was a baffled candidate for office. ‘The second part of the proposition may be true, and yet the first may not be; but there is nothing like imputing motives, the VOL, XL, | Young Lady (of about nine years of age). Psha! I don’t Tuesday. One for the Dissenting Nob. The Second Reading of a their hardest to upset the Church, was not the time to make con- | ee Ln RR 9 lO

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‘ | | | demolishing

128 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Marcu 30, 1861.

generous British public likes personal charges, and usually interests itself — times more about them than about the principles involved in a quarrel, Thursday. Those disreputable islanders, the Ionians, have been mphing saeteee demonstration, insulting British rule, and clamouring about being annexed to Greece. The Lord High Commissioner, Sir Henry Storxs, has very properly shut them = by shutting up the Assembly in which their antics are a. t is difficult to make the Ionian idiots understand that England would as soon wash her hands of them as not, but that she keeps the islands, by the particular desire of certain persons of distinction, in order to be ready to protect the Mediterranean against certain other persons of distinction, and therefore all the capering and be ema of the Tonians is beside the uestion. The Duxe or Newcasttz did not say this, in answer to RD Normansy, but had better have done so, and hereby receives Mr. Puich’s permission to say it the next time Normansy talks non- sense—a.date by no means resembling the Greek kalends. ; The Lords, by a majority of 33 to 25, threw out a useful Bill for Ho 'ywell Street and widening the Strand. Lorp Repgs- | DALE opposed the measure, saying that private persons ought not to | sidering that this. | to do, the objection seems futile; but what is the use of reasoning: have compulso wers to take the property of other persons. Con- hat thiake exactly what every railway company is empowered with a Lord who can command a majority. Two Cabinet Ministers spoke for the measure, which it may be supposed is merely postponed, | as the foulness for which ReprespaLe made fight is becoming intoler- | able. That night Holywell Street was illuminated, Lornp RepEspaLe’s | health was i | prevaile | when Royal deaths oecur, and music-halls and casinoes are left open? | Sir Groner explained that the authorities had power to interfere only | with the more reputable places of entertainment; but he had an idea of legislating. While he is about it, could he do anything in favour of the unfortunate actors and actresses, who are the only people in ' London who have real and personal cause to mourn such events; for they have their salavies cut off on the night of the demise and on that of the funeral. As Managers profit hugely by the visitsof Royalty to dl the theatres, and the fashion thereby set, a brief clause, hinting that tl fair play might be showmeto the actors when Royalty: departs this life, | would be extremely popularinthe Green Room. , f Mk. Spooner announced that he should not bring ima Maynooth | Bill, for the reason that his eyesight was not good enough to enable him.to read the documents by which he must enforce his arguments. | a Punch is very sorryyfor the Honourable Member’s inconvenience, | tl a Friday. The Lord’ Gommissioners duly honouredithe-following little | Bills,—The Consolidated Fund, 24,000,000, the: Biaelosure; the Bank of England, and the Red Sea and. India Telegraph. As: the Lorp tl CHANCELLOR did notvask:the Speaxer to take:a:seat:on the Woolsack, | I the Hon. Gentleman: returned to: his: own easy-chair inthe House o Commons. Eartipe Giaey snubbed EtLewsonover, who asked for | fe some inconvenient:papersy and: several. petitions: on the:subject of the | Church Rates were: put: into the: waste-paperr basket. Lorp Sraar- | F FORD DE Reperra: was: told: to: wait tilli after: Haster- for some t! information heerequired:about:thiesoccupationsofi Syria: After-a little | quiet, gossip: canoer ig-Holstein;. Macclesfield, Gas, and | cerning exican Bonds; theeLords having nothing elsertosdo, did it.

drunk in flowing kevarterns of gin, several shovels of peek were given away tothe poor, and the utmost enthusiasm until the Police arrived. Mr. BerKkeey asked Sm G. C. Sm G. C. Lewis why theatres are closed

In the House:of'Commons:the only subjectsof*popular interest were : the QuzEn’s simplerand: Lewis’ss exp Kossutn Notes, and which: left the matter preciselyeas:it: was, Lorp Excxo’s long shot:.ati Sm: B. Waker, I elegant extracts fromtheletters of Bruce and Dunpas in reply, and a lecture from Lorn Jomn Russet to our old friend: DuncomBE on the inexpediency of weekly. disco’ i then rose for the Haster: of: Condolence. | reply to the Sm»: Ri. Mayne and the ion respecting Lorp, Cianexce Pacet’s urses.of Foreign Affairs:. Parliament ‘Ss

AN EVIDENT MISTAKE. <= N the account of i the inaugural ball given by the Presi- dent at Washing- ton, we read that “Miss Epwarps, niece of Mrs. LixcoLn, is acknowledged to be the belle of the evening. We have never had the pleasure of seeing Miss Epwakbs, and we were not pvesent at the Ball, but we take upon onr- selves, with due respect, and without the slight- est wish to offend, to contradict the above judgment. We have good rea- son for our contra- diction, and it is this: in the open- ing part of the same account, we were informed that Mrs. —— (never mind the name; Mrs. Duck, if you like)— “ Is gorgeously attired in 2,000 dollars’ worth of lace, and 20,000 dollars’ worth of diamonds.” Now we contend that Mrs. Duck was entitled to be called “ the belle of the evening.” It is well known in estimating a lady’s charms, that the beauty of her dress is always canvassed first, and the beauty of her countenance next. Who would be unmannerly enough to pit a pretty face against the latest new fashion from Paris? andsome niece ot Mrs. Lincoitn may have excited more admiration amongst the gentlemen; but we will be bound that the lady, whose gorgeous attire is so minutely described above to the preciseness of a cent., created a great deal more envy amongst the ladies; and as the decision of ladies on these delicate matters is acknowledged to be both final and infallible, we are afraid that the former must yield the to the latter. What loveliness is: there in this lovely world that can goats ry stand up against jewellery and lace! Venus herself, in such a contest: (for toilet, d’aprés les tableaux, was never of the fullest. or costliest nature) would have had.to hide her face in the presence of Mrs. Duck. It has.evidently been a mistake of the inexperienced reporter. When Miss Epwarps

(we hope wershall be forgiven for talking-thus familiarly of a lady- whom» weehave not the happiness-of knowing t) is “ gorgeously” attired: in 2000 dollars’ worth of. lace,” and ten times that amount of diamonds (what a Duck 0’ Diamonds their fortunate possessor must be!), then it will be time for her to be “acknowledged the belle of the evening.” In a land where the Anis Dollar commands almost exclusive worship, a young lady, let her be ever so fasci- nating, is admired not for what she is, but for what she is worth. The handsomest face will pale before a handsome fortune, Who could resist falling in love with a lady whose ornaments alone represented a trifle under £4600! Add to that the value of her dress, her embroidered hand- kerchief, her enamelled vinaigrette, her jewelled fan, and innumerable other charms too delicious to dwell upon, and you must have the frankness to acknowledge that a beauty like that is indeed invaluable !

Superiority of the Superior Sex. We learn from the Atheneum that “ Miss Susan Durant has received a commission to execute one of the poetical marbles for the Mansion House, being so far as we recol- lect, the first English lady who has ever obtained a compli- ment of this particular kind.”? Who deserves compliments, pray, but clever English ladies? Women ought to make good sculptors, especially in taking busts of the so-called and self-created Lords of the Creation. We say this acvisedly, knowing what first-rate hands women invariably are in cutting out the gentlemen.

THE BISHOP-MAKER. | Tae on dit runs that a petition is about to be presented to Lorp Patmerston praying of him that the temporal and spiritual powers of Loup SHAFTEsBURY may for the | future be divided. :; AMERICAN METEOROLOGY, Now boy, what are aérolites ? Guess they ’re the remains | a ap Stars smashed to pieces, that have tumbled out of the sky.

Wauicu of the Italian Princes is the most to be pitied? | The one who is out of Lucca. |

—

=~ sw hw ao 4 a ames aco fete Le

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D - ) ee ee Be Be el Marcx 30, 1861.] 129 FASHIONS FOR FESTIVALS. TxHE subjoined announcement, mutatis mutandis, that is to say with change only of names, lately appeared in the advertising columns of the Ezglish Churchman :— | GREPLICES.— Sunriices For Easter.—Messrs. Farprrat & Son | have prepared their usual large supply of SuRPLices of superior form and quality, so much » There are supposed to be some old women among the Clergy; but | the above advertisement seems to indicate that there are also many oung ladies. Here we have linendrapers announcing themselves:as | having prepared for Easter their usual large supply of surplices,a describing those surplices in just the very terms which the tradevapplies | to silks and muslins. What is the material which forms the fabric:o these surplices of “superior” form and quality, “so muchadmired:” Is it chintz? Fancy a lot of young parsons collected *tegether sand staring invat Mzssrs. Fauprrat & Son’s window, or beimg *taken “by | female friends to ‘the «establishment of that enterprising «concern, shopping. ‘Imagine the assistants behind the counter saymg, “Any other article today, Sir P—allow me to tempt you with amalb. Sweet things in stoles, ‘Sir! Neat dalmatics, Sir; very chaste! Pretty tterns'foriehasubles, Sir; charming copes ; last Spring fashions ‘from ‘aris and-novelties from Rome.” Now that we see*surplices adver- tised in-the regular slang of milliners, we can quite amderstand the feeling with which a certain rector whose bishop had«compelled him to relinquish his pretty robes, pathetically observed thatihe should never wear those tiful ‘vestments again. We suppose we shall soon have divines of this:class sporting flounces on their frocks, and fecele- AN EQUIVOCAL COMPLIMENT. Tue Eart or SHELBURNE, in moving the second reading of the Metropolitan Central Hotel Company Bill, (which we are extremely sorry was thrown out, inasmuch as anything would have been better than two large tamted blocks of buildings that are a disgrace to any moral city) remarked that— ** It would be a benefit on the public by opening up the wretched neighbourhood of Wych Street and Holywell Street, with which their Lordships were no doubt well acquainted.” Were their Lordships flattered with this delicate allusion? Shall we be ill-natured and say that their Lordships must have been “ well acquainted” with them, inasmuch as they refused, from the force of long association, or the spirit of friendship inspired by the acquaintance of many years, to part with a single brick of them? That incubus of ollution is still to remain., Who would have thought that Holywell treet and Wych Street would have had grateful reason to exclaim :— “Thank Heaven! we have a House of Lords.’? Where, might we ask, were the Bishops on the above occasion ? DOTAGE AND DOTATION. On the Oxford Circuit, at Stafford, the other day, occurred’a case 0} | Breach of Promise of Marriage, the issue whereof is a signal example | of the generous sympathies of British Jurymen considered as husbands ; and fathers. Mr. Sergeant Piccorr appeared for the interesting plaintiff, and according to report— “In opening the plaintiff's case, the learned Serjeant stated that the plaintiff, | Marian Haney, was about twenty-one years of age, and the daughter of James Han.ey, a farmer, under the EarL or BrapForp, at Brancote, in Staffordshire. | Defendant occupied an adjoining farm of 180 or 200 acres, was about 75 years of age, and had been all his life a Bachelor.” Young Smitu, the defendant, had trifled with the affections of the confiding girl who sued him for £500 damage done to her tenderest feelings by the inconstancy of this boy of 75. The fickle youth ackuow- ledged fifty pounds’ worth of damages, and paid that sum into Court. The Jury, however, estimated the blighted hopes and lacerated heart of the deserted one at a higher figure, and gave her a verdict for an additional hundred pounds. Henceforth let thoughtless youngsters e Mr, Smrru take care how they flirt with maidens of 21, and raise “Reine which are destined never to be realised. his case was tried before Mr. Bazon Wipz, and the report whence the above:particulars are taken informs us that— “* The Judge, in summing up, remarked upon the fact that the counsel on both sides had made fun of the defendant ; one with the idea of increasing, and the other with the idea of d ing the d , e ig It appeared, however, to be a regular straightforward affair, and he did not think there was any justification for accusing the parents of any mercenary feeling.” Certainly not. Of course the learned Baron was thinking of Marnxo _FauteRo and his juvenile:-wife. Why should not an English girl as siastical emporiums:and depdts puffing their “Crimoline for Cassecks.” | well as a Venetian, be inspired with a passion regardless of disparity of years? So, no doubt, his Lordship reasoned, and supposed the disin- terested parents of Miss Haney to have reasoned also when they , consented to their child’s union with a gentleman of between seventy and eighty, He believed that they purely consulted their daughter’s happiness in sanctioning her romantic attachment. t is possible that the Jury took another view of the case, although they arrived at the same practical conclusion as that indicated by the Judge. Very likely they considered that a man of 75 has overlived the appointed time of man’s life by five years, so that if he breaks a promise of marriage, involving, as-it did in this instance, a promise of settlement, he inflicts a two-f nnn upon a young woman, He has. already one foot. initheygrave ; he must soon draw in the other. _ He’disappoints the:fond creature, whom he jilts, of being his young | wife,and disappoints her:of being his young widow. | | THE COMMINUTED STATES. Wuo can say where Secession will stop? That is a question which is raised by Mr. Linco1y, in a part of his inaugural address, directed | to enforce upon fools and madmen the necessity of acquiescence by minorities in the decision of majorities. The President tells the frantic portion of his fellow countrymen that :— “ There is no alternative for continuing the Government but acquiescence on one | side or the other. If a minority in such:a case will secede rather than acquiesce, f {they make a precedent which in turn will ruin and divide them, for a minority of | | their own will secede from them whenever a majority refuses to be controlled by ; such a minority. For instance, why may not any portion of a new confederacy, a year or two hence, arbitrarily secede again, precisely as portions of the present Union now claim to secede from it? All who cherish disunion sentiments are now being educated to the exact temper of doing this.” The force of this simple reasoning will be seen by the lunaties to | | whom it is addressed, during their lucid intervals, if they have any. It | | may even be hoped that some of them may recover the use of their | | reflecting faculties so far as to be enabled to follow out Presipent | Lxxcoun’s argument, and their own folly, into uitimate consequences | and conclusions. Then they will see what is likely to be the end of Secession, for it is not quite true that there is no end to Secession, | and the end of Secession will be for the Secessionists an end of | everything. Seceders will go on seceding and subseceding, until at | last every citizen will secede from every other citizen, and each indi- vidual will be a sovereign state in himself, self-government personified, a walking autonomy, a lone star, doing business and supporting itself off its own hook. Here Be Truths. M. GuuitavMin, in the French Chamber, intending to be severe upon England, said England makes her propaganda with the Bible in one hand and a piece of calico in the other, but France bears her banner in one hand and the Cross in the other. Proper gander yourself, M. GuILLaumin, for you have just hit it. England proffers enlightenment and the comforts of life, France comes with superstition and ‘‘ glory.” It strikes us that such orators should be choked off by their priests.

Page 146

PUNCH,

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, [Marc# 30,

we — =z. a 1 *— a roe , be Ac CZ, ail i oe ae a eae eee wi o\ AY ) “ae —~ f\> LNy- 5 = <a so \ Butcher Boy (and Butcher Boys are so impudent). “ Now taey, Swivex! ARE YOU GOING TO STOP THERE TILL YOU GxT FINE, AFORE YOU DRAW YOURSELF oFF?”

THE NEW ARRIVAL. (Kingdom of Italy constituted, Monday, March18; Ganreaupi’s Birthday, Tuesday, March 19.) Quvotx Monsieur la France to his Lady, **Let’s issue our cards for a rout!” *T was done, and the crowned heads invited To a nice little tea and turn-out. The Hotel de l'Europe with excitement From area to attics was stirred ; The corridors gorgeous with flunkeys, And ablaze with state liv’ries absurd. The courtyard with carriages crowded, On every panel a crown, And extremely big-wigs for their drivers, In dignified line, setting down. The pavement was thronged with its gazers Of the class which such sights always draw— Sardonic, and seedy, and sneering, And not too gocd friends with the law. The heart of the chivalrous Jenxins Had been chilled to its innermost core, To hear their remarks as the cargoes Of Royalty drove to the door. The cry of “ What shocking bad crowns!” Saluted the jingling approach Of Naples and three small Grand-Dukes Tn an antediluvian coach. Its gilding all tarnished and battered, Its heraldry faded and dim, =. spliced, lining mildewed and tattered, And a team of mad mules—gaunt and grim. | But conceive the crowd’s shout of derision | __As these crest-fallen Kings, when set down, | Were refused, one and all, an admission, As not one could fork out a crown ! | 2 Twas in vain that they sent up their names, | Tried to borrow the requisite rhino ; | In the lack of one de facto crown, | What are four crowns de jure divino ? ‘Does Old Mother-Church know you’re out?”’ | Was the ery that encountered the Pors, | As the old Cross-keys drag lumbered up, | And for harness—a great deal of rope. | Well might poor Pro Nono look scared, *Twas long odds ’gainst his safely arriving ; Those red-hatted Jehus will take | Such very bad roads for their driving. The triple tiara popped out, While cross-keys and crook made a clatter, And the Porg scuttled into the house, To the chorus profane, ‘‘ Who’s your hatter ? ” | Till at last one exceptional cheer Was bestowed on a coach in the line: The coach—need I add—was Old England’s ; The cheer—need I say it—was mine! Inside all was hot hurry-skurry, Cordons, crachats, embroid’ry, gold-keys, Gold- and silver-sticks humbl kootooing, Drones a-cluster round King- and Queen-

: | There was Monsieur la France—all endeavours | To look as if meaning no harm— __ With Madame la France—not more faithful Than av’rage French wives—on his arm. Half-aloof, buttoned up in his bear-skin, And scanning the scene, haut en bas, Stood Russia, bent on not giving, Yet fearful of taking, the pas. While with bearing half-cheeky, half.coward, Young Austria yawned and haw-hawed, Like a man who’s uneasy at home, And by no means more easy abroad. Now sidling tow’rds Prussia, as minded His tediousness there to bestow: Then making advances to Russia— Then stopping—as if ’twere no go. Poor Turkey was slunk in a corner, On an ottoman all in a heap— Looking like a decrepit old clothesman, | On his stock-in-trade fallen asleep. , While Russia and France moved about him With an eye to his purse and his shawl— Though each, through respect for the other, Abstained from attempting a haul. That the Royal assemblage was hearty, | Or pleasant, or genial, or gay, Is what, as a truthfal narrator, I fear I can’t honestly say.

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Maron 30, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 133 In fact, if there ’s faith in expression, And faces the feelings can state, | The quan. thought was, “Look to your ets The host's, a Keep an.eye on the plate.” Old England, the only one present, By no poss Ba oppressed, , With Britannia tuck’d ‘neath his arm, inding up, Why hand on hilt suddenly laid? hy hand hilt as suddenly spurning ? Why Prussia’s embarrassed attempt At once to look sulky and civil Why the Pore’s disposition to swear, Wi after all, in a snivel ? Who’s this that our host is preparing, “Wretch!” “Parvenue!” “Minx!” “Up- start!” “Thief !”— Such the epithets whispered about ; never a tongue bids her welcome, And never a hand is held out. De, one! through the crowd of crowned heads ‘o snub the new-comer agreed, : Old England is forcing:his way, __Mared Scanian compete tothe Fest, | To gna reoenton so and 2, _-| To wi ihe far srenger Go oped! 0 m bound to confess that I saw, Kcsaeec ° stretel | As he stooped to help France to some trifle, Monsieur’s profégée won't s a hand to?! His honest red.fidce:in'a glow, | Peeping out from the skirt. of his coat, Who advances | The butt of a long Enfield rifle. | But wherefore this sudden confusion, in spite:of cold looks, And backs that. refuse to do:dat Tis ITALY, glorions:in youth, His two brawny-liands spreading wide ; y? This crowding of Kings in a clutter? And radiant with renovatesheauty! 7 Here’s England tostand at her side! | Why does Russia set up his bearskin, Like a helm shows the crowmomherbrow— | And thinking-at‘onee of Caprera | Each separate bristle in flutter ? For a sceptre, her sword’s:im-her-hand ; And Turin, the-old boy *s heard’ to say, Why is Austria so red and so pale, And firm is her stepping; I trow; “Dear ITALY! happy to On his boot-heels indignantly turning ? As proudly she t; es up see 0 ” And “ many returns of the fg . Let who will turn their backs, she shall | know | | t OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. “Dear Pounce, : : “ Wuen these lines are made public there will be no theatre in all London left open, except to those who are attracted by what swells would call an “Orwewy,’ or who can sit out a slow concert of indifferently done music. Of cvurse this is quite proper, and I have no mind to awaken the just wrath of the Record by expressing any wish to have Passion Week profaned by dramatic entertainments. But. I cannot comprehend upon what principle of logic other places of amusement are allowed to throw their doors open, when theatres are rigidly obli to keep them shut. Who is it that draws the line between the stage of the Princess’s and the stage of the — and says that the trapeze is proper to be seen, while the tragedy o | Hamlet must be out of our sight? If amusement be not proper for me, why am I allowed to go to Music Halls, and Song Saloons, to | Cider Caves, and Coal Holes; and hear fragments of the operas not elsewhere deemed permissible, and see conjurors and acrobats, ballet girls and ‘rocky wonders,’ and so-called ‘ comic’ vocalists in their most facetious parts? Are sham niggers thought provocative of pious } meditation, or will the Cure effect the cure of any thirsty soul who listens to it? Iam debarred from Mr. Fecurer, and enjoyment of his Hamlet ; but am allowed to take my fill (if I so _—— of Mr. Pup- Dine, and to laugh (if I so can) at his protean transformations. If Old Bob —- be deemed proper for my ears to hear in Passion Week, one would have thought ‘To be or not to be? would not have | done much harm to them; and while the moral “Judge and Jury’ | one open court to Londoners, there can be no great hurtin witnessing | the Trial Scene of Shylock. * Quite conscious as I am that ‘Comparisons are odorous,’ I make no attempt to pit the pit of opera or theatre against the are ae of a Singing Room, or stall at the Alhambra. Tach has its habituéds; and | whatever be my own private taste in the matter, I have no wish to | obtrude it just at present on the public. | “The English law, I am informed, is choke full of anomalies; but | there are few of them I fancy more ridiculous than this, that entertain- | ments which are licensed by the Magistrates keep open, when those | which have the sanction of the Government are shut. As Punch bids | fair to be perennial, you, Sir, perhaps may live to see the end of such as | absurdity, and it will do us the more credit the sooner that end comes. | Mean s a proof that other minds have sense enough to see that _ this anomaly is unjust as well as foolish, Mz. German Kzep, I notice, ; announces that his Gallery will be closed throughout the week, whereas | the other ‘entertainers’ all continue playing. This course of Mr. | Regp I consider to his credit, and it should win due commendation | for him from the pious public. “ The other ni Nase being — I visited the Standard, and there had a shillingsworth of Janet Pride. (Your West Hind readers may | not know that this theatre is in Shoreditch, and that full price to the | 8 is the modest’ sum I’ve mentioned.) They who saw this piece | when it was played at the Adelphi need not be told how admirably | Mn, Wesstse acts in it. His sottish drunkenness is well nigh painful | for its life-like personation, and presented as it was to an appreciative audience there seemed fair ground for hoping it might produce some am d to add, however, that they did not seem in any | haste to go and take the pledge; indeed they swigged the porter that was served between the acts, as open-mouthed and greedily as they had drunk in Ma. Wessten’s declamations against drink. * Not being an Aaditué, I cannot tell if farces are in general much relished at this theatre : but if they be, the night I went was certainly an ae ee when the curtain fell on Janet, pit and stalls became a desert, and the boxes showed a vacuum such as it is the nature of a lesseertorabhor. By the way, the jokes thiateraisea laugh at East End theatres»are of a nature quite distinct from:these we laugh at in the West. When the comic man rushed in with mn hi r -informed his lady-love that ‘the tatursshave biled over,’ the was welcomed with a general guffaw: and a still louder burstiof laughter was won by the intelligence: tliat he’d ‘taken hoff the: a? they’re werry much relieved.*” Of all good jokes, however,. seemed nothing like a hugging» bout for bringing down the: houses. It would have done a mg good to see what hearty unchecked*merriment was caused simply by the comic party falling on his kneescand kissi om a was in a — c gel Bete Fe aon lation this: young ; ab was quite appaling).out by e actice she bore it most sheroically, and did not seem.a whit C ‘it. Certainly, if I am asked to write a ‘heavy’ for a ‘ minor?” ro of the Lra ee Oe oe this lane), ‘ shall bn good care: in a good quantity of hugging. ancy if an author wished to make a certain hit, he could not well do better than make his heroine sing a song with obligato osculation, each bar ending with a kiss; while, as a relief from the horrors of the piece, there should be a general h when Virtue is Triumphant, and a congratulatory kiss all round when Vice is Punished. “ I must lay aside this levity when I next write of this theatre: for on the night of Easter Monday the ‘Great Tragedian,’ I find, will tread these classic boards, and as Monday is Mark Lane day, and the Standard is just opposite the Eastern Counties Railway, no doubt the Suffolk farmers improve their minds by hearing him. I am told by a Scotch critic that ‘for the perfect pronunciation of the English language’ (of which this Scottish gentleman is of course a thorough judge), Mr. Kean may really be “accepted as a model.’ So if our olk farmers wish to improve their rustic utterance, they had better take a course of lessons. at the Standard from one considered the most perfect English speaker of the day. “T remain, Sir, Yours, &c. (whatever that may mean), “Onze wHo Pays.” ENGLAND o; CHINA. Tue rebels in Chi hina, we read, go by the name of Taepings. We have obstructionists, if not rebels, a land—who impede the march of events, who throw every obstruction they can in the way of public progress, who are relentless, implacable, opener, obstinate, and very cult indeed to be subdued. They lurk in dark corners, and evince the greatest reluctance in showing themselves, and then only at distant intervals, and always to retire immediately the moment after you have seen them. Their only instrument is a bit of string, but they manage to do a deal of execution with it. We allude to the Rep TaxzPrnGs, who infest in such large numbers our government offices. They have been warring against the interests of the public for a long leisure, of which they have plenty, by plundering the country to the England when she succeeds in putting down this rebellious race !—d Rep Tazrines! Seasonable Intelligence. Severat of the Drinking Fountains about the metropolis have had their wooden paletéts removed, and their winter padlocks taken off from them, and are now, as though rejoicing at their release after their long captivity, in full play again. refreshing, in every This is sense, for we look upon it as the first real opening of Spring. horror on his counte- | time—feeding upon the best of the land all the while—filling up their | greatest extent; and we must say it will be a happy day indeed for | } | t

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Marc 30, 1861. HELPING HIM ON! Cruel Fair One (to silent Partner). “Pray! Have you NO Conversation?” | He is just the man to raze a capital for him. \ CS NN SS \\ ‘SHOP AND FREEDOM. TxovcGH with the North we sympathise, 1t must not be forgotten That with the South we ’ve stronger ties, Which are composed of cotton, Whereof our imports mount unto A sum of many figures And where would be our calico Without the toil of niggers ? The South enslaves those fellow men, Whom we love all so dearly; The North keeps Commerce Lena again, hich touches us more nearly. Thus a divided duty we Perceive in this hard matter. Free Trade, or sable brothers free ? Oh won’t we choose the latter! INDIGESTION FROM IRISH STEW. Tue disruption of the once United States was at first | wholly attributed to-difference of opinion on the subject of Slavery, and next in part ascribed to diversity of views and interests renpocting commercial legislation. Another and more powerful cause may also have contributed to produce a result so much to be deplored and blushed for by all the friends of representative government. During many years, a great emigration of disaffected Irishmen had been continually increasing the population of the American Republic. For a long time America digested them. Perhaps, however, the nutriment which she has gone on deriving from Ireland so long, may have at last disagreed with her, occasioning constitutional disturbance which is, in a great measure, nothing more than an out- break of a suppressed Irish malady, the fever which, with a ee fire, has always burned for Repeal of the nion, j i | ! | | ' } A Eaiser without a Ereutzer. Francts-JosEerH doesn’t know which way to turn for the want of money. Why doesn’t he send for GarrBaLpi? THE REVENUE CUTTER AND PATENT BUDGET SIFTER COMPANY (LIMITED). Tuis morning a Deputation, composed of illiberal Members of the House of Commons, waited upon Lorp Patmerston at his official Chambers in Downing Street. The Deputation was introduced by Mr. Crawrorp, who shortly explained the object which the gentlemen present hadin view. It was to solicit his Lordship’s ma for a Machine invented by an Association called “The Revenue Cutter and Patent Budget Sifter Company (Limited),” of which Mr. Wittiams, M.P., was Chairman and responsible Manager. Mr. Crawrorp having been requested by Lorp Patmerston to describe the Patent Budget Sifter, produced a working model, and informed his Lordship that on a very low estimate the machine was calculated to effect a saving in Exchequer cuttings of £10,000,000 per annum. Lorp Patmerston. You employ a punch, I suppose? Mr. Crawrorp could not speak piciiosly on that point, though he was aware that Punch had produced some very striking cuts. Lorp Patmerston (smiling). The largest holes in our Budgets have hitherto, I suspect, been made by a punch. Howis your machine set in motion ? Mr. Crawrorp. By a combination of screws. Lorp Patmerston. Can you point out the screws to me? Mr. Crawrorp signed to Mr. Barnes and Mr. Buxton, and made rapid telegraphic overtures to Mr. Wuite, Mr. Rovure.t, Mr. C.8 Butter, and several other gentlemen, but with what object did not clearly ope Mr. Baines comets entreated his Lordship not to slight the “Revenue Cutter.” It was urgently needed in Government offices, embracing as it did a soap-slice, applicable to a commodity cK which large and wasteful consumption was almost hourly taking place. Mr. Crawrorp observed that his friend Mr. Epwrm James, during his recent visit to Italy, and while engaged in military pursuits, bad | every wearer of a decent coat. I never (contined the masculine Mem- by broad-sword exercise acquired the art of cutting down an army of any extent that nfight be required. F Lorp Patmerston wished to know if the gallant Member for Marylebone bad thrown the weight of his authority into the Patent Budget Sifter ? : Eey Mr. Crawrorp replied that, having once more become a civilian, the Honourable Member had made a financial conversion of all his equipments, except his Damascus blade, which formed one of the most powerful choppers in the machine. ? Lorp PALMERSTON was gratified to hear it. Some alarm had been felt lest his friend’s spirited charger should carry him over the bar. Mrz. Bricut, interrupting his Lordship, had no hesitation in saying that the machine was worse than useless, unless it could be used as a paper-cutter. (Loud cries of “ Hear.”) The Company was seeking for Ministerial patronage. Now he (Mr. B.) knew what Government contracts were; in fact the Government was indebted to him for some beautiful trimmings. ‘ q Lorp Patmerston. Yes; you told us we might have a piece at any price. (Laughter.) is Mr. Bricuart strongly deprecated the use of irritating language. When would Ministers learn that soft answer which turns away wrath ? No wonder that Continental powers were alarmed and incensed, ‘when, instead of speaking with “bated breath and whis- pering humbleness,” we delighted in assuming a truculent attitude and an exasperating tone! England, if she studied her true interest, would be found, like a dove, billing and cooing with France and every other nation; instead of that, we see her most powerful and most reckless statesman volunteering to set a trained bull-dog at an inoffensive neighbour. (Murmurs.) Mr. Brieut. A trained bull-dog I repeat, that ought to be shot on the premises, which have become a nuisance by its yelp. Lorp PaLmMersTon winced and drank off a large tumbler of water, with a flushed face, Mr. Baicut. Britannia! Who is Britannia? Is she a meek-eyed Sister of Charity? No. WhothenP Why a red-armed Beldame— a Thames Street Bellona delighting in casting abuse and missiles at ee | | a a | owas a m « (

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| Maron 30, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 135 ber for Manchester) behold her miserable image; but my breast is | cherish the pleasing assurance of having performed an act of efficacious | torn, as I mournfully reflect how much better would widow’s weeds | kindness. The smallest contributions will be thankfully received; for | become her than a helmet, and a billy-roller than a spear. a sufficient number of farthings would insure the object so earnestly i be Rage sea (aside), Il en fait ses choux gras (he thereby —_ by ng waar Soar = —, oy oo to er chede so] me ek aan” each of its recipients it is scarcely felt. The charitable donor| Aw infinity has been said and written about the wonders of the thus fails to obtain the exquisite satisfaction of reflecting that he has| Turkish Bath. The most enfeebled constitution, we are told, will gladdened the heart of a fellow-creature. His bounty is as it were a| profit by it. We propose, therefore, that the experiment be tried upon oaf, vainly or epee crumbs among a famishing crowd, instead of | the Sultan himself. In his desperate state, it cannot possibly do hin being effectually applied to relieve the hunger of one starving sufferer, | much harm, and the chances are that it may do him some good. yho ose who are desirous really to taste the luxury of doing good should | knows but he might come out of the puri ying trial a cleaner, and a concentrrte their generosity on particular persons. An opportunity is | better, and a stronger man? In fact, if the whole of Turkey were put now offered to all who are anxious to secure the genuine article. A' into a Turkish Bath, it —— be all the better for that weak power. healthy young man, with a large appetite of every kind, is well nigh | Its constitution, severely drained as it has been by the Sultan, and

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destitute. of the means of procuring any one pleasure. In order to| profusely sweated also by Monstzun Minis and others, could not fail subsist, it is necessary for him to work hard, which he very much | to gain by the invigorating process. dislikes, and to earn a precarious and scanty living by anxious labour. € is, in short, in want of a _ and independent income. Oh, if he

me Rav that aor ane - wow apes and ag at pone a Spanish Honour to be Avenged. on Unmarried man, he would very soon have a wife and perhaps; Tae Cabinet of Her Most Catholic Majesty has determined to evince inp ma dren, whom, as well as himself;-a certain affluence would render | jt, resentment of the imputation which obo P ALMERSTON has cast oh: the: wealthy-whe ‘ : : : }on the honour of Spaniards. Believing the noble Premier, in : only think of the Bliss trong g Farag erage pee kghimge eneng See with ag ry simply to , Fs expressed the feeling young man. Let them consider how much more sensible an amount = ber d sthiah - ye the Spaniah Government has fally made up of blessing they would impart by bestowing all their charity on him, its mind to pay all those impertinent fellows out. _ they can dispense by frittering it away upon a host of others. — os owheawre wa - _ a large =“ of money thea to equander ~ Caaxes OF Mine: Sitep bis, elping advocacy of Austrian policy, fations ' It isin the power of every one, how-| Mr. Rogsuckx is no longer the ear’em.” He is now quite uz ever humble, to contribute to his felicity, and thus be enabled to! Autre-Chien, . 4 :

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. [Marcn 30, 1861, i tS WY ¥ wna Vz) , WNN ¥) Ms BY; \ Oy * wT NG CAPITAL LARK OF BODGER AND LITTLE PIPPS AT THE EXPENSE OF MISS MINERVA COCHLELON’S SEMINARY. DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE, Wuat wonderful people there are ‘in the world! Who could have supposed that in this sharp-sighted age, any person could be flat enough to write such an advertisement as this we find inserted in the Times of the 9th ult. :— way TED, the SUM of £300, on security of the lender having £500 out of a share in a certain will, about which reasonable satisfaction can be given. The testator, whuse chief property consists in a large life policy, but now upheld by small payments, would not object. The bequest is not payable till after the death of two persons, one of whom is about 52, and is now and has 1. ng been very dan- gerously ill, and the other about 60, and far from strong. The advertiser also wishes wee to pay it off atany time by paying also 5 per cent. compound interest. ] expenses to be paid be the lender. The sum lent must not be liable to be called in at any time whatever. The money is required for the further- ance of a literary work of such a character as will, it is believed, cause a far mightier and happier era in human history than has ever yet been seen. Address Merry AnprReEw, Grimaldi Terrace, Green Street. We have had a rather blowing time of it of late, but that is no reason why people should give themselves such airs as the writer of this notice. The impudence of his proposal is only equalled by its dignity, and we really hardly know which of the two we should most laugh at. The notion of his fancying that any one would lend him three hundred po, on “security” (?) of pocketing a possible five hundred, queathed under the will of a still living testator, who may of course to-morrow cancel the bequest, is an idea which would in summer be delicious for its coolness ; and when we further find the lender is to y all law expenses, and is not to have the power to call in the sum ent, we can’t help thinking that the writer for the moment quite forgot himself, and, when penning his advertisement, somebow had it in his head that he was writing a broad farce. How well Mr Cuarues Matuews would go through such a scene as might be worked out of the call of some one caught by the advertisement! With what delicious self-possession would he clear up any doubt respecting his “testator,” and show that although living he was just as good as dead, and that as for altering or cancelling his will, such a notion was—ha! ha!—a joke quite irresistible. What a fanny dog you are, he might proceed to say, giving an appreciative poke in the short ribs. But you’re quite right to be cautious—there are lots of rogues about, and one everywhere sees stuck up “Take care of your pockets.” Still, the notion of my ling such a clever chap as you, is—ha! ha!—you ’ll excuse me, a little too ridiculous. Why here you see yourself what good security I offer. Five hundred sterling pounds, lawful English money, and as good as down, for you see it’s to be paid on the deaths of these two persons who are as good as dead—one “dangerously ill,” and the other “far from strong.” ‘True, I haven’t told you the age of the testator, or if Ais health is shattered; and you business men may think this a point quite as important. But waiving this for just one moment, consider, my dear Sir, the stuwpendously magnificent results that are in prospect. By lending me the paltry sum that I require, you will become one of the greatest benefactors of your species. You will further the advancement of a literary work that will make the whole world mightier and happier than it has been. My dear Sir, think of that! aaa at once out with your cheque-book ! When such gigantic good may be secured to all the Universe, don’t be stopped by such a trifle as a doubt of the security. Hand me over the three hundred, and imagine yourself reverenced down to all posterity as the man who introduced this mighty happy era. Mind, I’m not to be held liable to pay the money back, but you see you’ll have a chance of the Five hundred secured to you, and of course you may rely upon my wish that you may get it! Postal Arrangements. Lerrers posted at Hammersmith after half-past nine at night, or at the earliest hour next morning, arrive in Fleet Street on that day at about 2 p.m. . ; Letters posted in the same suburb on the middle of Sunday arrive at Southampton on Tuesday morning. The expedition with which the mails are despatched from the subur- ban post-offices is wonderful, and deserves the notice of the authorities of St. Martin’s-le-Grand. THE SCARCITY ACCOUNTED FOR, We are told by nurses, and other moral-mongers, that the Truth must not be told at all times. This may be one of the reasons why the Truth is so rarely told at all. in Lombard Sarvapar, March 30, 1861. Prin‘ed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, U; Woburn Place, and Frederick Mallett Evane, of No.19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’ Printers, at their Office in ud bisert, in the Prechucs of Wuivetriars in the Cicy of Loodon, tat Publishes by thee at Wi 0. 85, leet Street,

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ew rea we ewe wT = oa OD ee 20 BO wo i] at at at ir- es Aprit 6, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 1 lid’ YBN it ald Patv MAA HEC eM "| hy Hiv | i) in | AW lh ' Set! Wiley) LUUNTR emeatereee cor. VNC orn oY ii ai ui. ii | im i PU yyy Vs penn HWA Uy Barve i MW nal ia WA eal it | | Fie u | “HOORAY—THE STREETS UP AGAIN!” “ THE HEAD AND FRONT OF THEIR OFFENDING.” THE Musical World, talking of a new piece that has been brought out at the Variétés, in Paris, says :— “The title of the piece, Les Ramoneurs, will sound obscurely to most of our readers. It alludes to the practice of certain persons who would conceal the fact that old Time has been shaving their heads with his scythe, by drawing the still flowing locxs, which he as yet has only ‘thinned,’ back over the denuded portion of their craniums. Avery bold subject, we should say, for qyen the flimsiest farce.” Our harmonious contemporary, instead of “bold,” might have said, and probably did intend to say, “ bald.” For, the life of us, we cannot see the great crop of fun that could have been reaped from the above barren subject. i We agree with our critical friend, that thesgmation is decidedly, as a smart Frenchman would say, “ Un peu ‘ag cheveur.” Our Parisian farceurs may as well take all the huthan infirmities, and turn them, one by one, into ridicule. Blindness has been already operated upon in the form of Les Deux Aveugles. Deaf- ness has also been treated farcically, whilst the gout has been handled so roughly and frequently on the stage, that it almost fails now to excite a laugh. However, we think, the Man With a Wooden Leg would present a good handle for fun. The wife might in her jealousy take it away from her husband so as to keep him at home—or she might light the fire with it, in order to cook her beloved Arthur's dinner, whilst her one-legged partner sat writhing on a chair, incapable of moving-a peg; besides a thousand other little pleasantries that would be sure to command public laughter: for no fun is so irresistible as that which is based on the distress of another, more especially (with Frenchmen) when that other |happens to be a husband. lame gui porte une perruque would be another fruitful subject for |Om a hair-brained vaudevilliste to The dénoiment, when her hypocrisy was laid bare, might be made almost tragic in the very meeaaity of its fun,—the parting between the Sub- lime and the Ridiculous being so extremely small, that it would require a very clever coiffewr indeed to be able to draw the line of demarcation precisely between the two. The CLAIRvILLEs of the Parisian stage must be at a sad loss for heads of subjects to joke upon, when they are compelled to cover the nakedness of their humour with a lock of . The fire of French esprit must nearly be burnt ply humorously with. | influence of our untidy contributor. The rule in all cases o Hence the necessity, perhaps, of sending for Les Ramoneurs to give it a thorough good sweeping after so bad a fire. SPIRITUAL BELL-RINGING., Tue attention of the Editor of the Spiritual Magazine is invited to Queries :— ** Curious CoIncIDENCE.—On Wednesday night, or rather on Thursday morning, the Royal Family. There might have been about 20 slow strokes, when it ceased. It proved, however, to be due to some derangement of the clock, for at 4 and 5 o’cluck 10 or 12 strokes were struck instead of the proper number. On mentioning this in the morning to a friend, who is deep in London antiquities, he observed, that there is an opinion in the city that anything the matter with St. Paul's great bell is an omen of ill to the Royal Family ; and he added, ‘I hope the opinion will not extend to the Westminster bell.’ ” The mysterious phenomenon above described occurred some days ago, when subsequent events sufficiently prove it to have been ominous. There can be no doubt whatever that it was supernatural. ** And the great bell has toll’d, unrung, untouch’d.” It is very true that the kitchen clock of a writer in these columns strikes all manner of hours, but even this is a spiritual fact, for that individual’s habits are irregular, and the clock is Cuvee’ tt Se is kin is to.comeider whether the marvellous occurrence can be accounted for i Supettiggyrel principles, because, if it can, the truly philosophical —_ will reject the natural solution of the mystery, and adopt the other. the subjoined extract from the letter of a Correspondent in Notes and | at 3 o'clock, the inhabitants of the metropolis were roused by repeated strokes of | the new great bell at Westminster, and most persons supposed it was for a death in | out, when it needs to be lighted afresh with a méche de cheveux. And Quite Right Too. | Wuat makes Cavour cry out so loudly for Rome? Why, don’t = see, he has a double object, one for himself and one for Italy. | ome is the centre of his thoughts, because he is anxious to make political Capital” out of it. VOL, XL, Pp

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= PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprit 6, 1861, THE SLIPSLOP OF THE SHOPS. tage, Tuesday, H, I am s0 much obliged for putting in my letter a- bout the Clas- sics of the Counter, I felt so proud when I saw it pe actually in print, and CHARLES posi- tively read it through, not knowing it was mine, un- til he came to a _ of goimg ou = in our mew dio- S ropha to buy rgpophagon, and to inquire was the price of the amhetdrohepseterion, which we had recently seen advertised somewhere in the newspapers, where'we spiced the emmenathoon hair-dye for Mamma. The man who served us at this shop—I beg his pardon, this establish- ment, sadly wanted CuaRuzs to try a bottle of his famous cele- brated _Aydrohyperton i fluid, and when Cuanues refi and endeavoured to escape, he was pressed to purchase some- thing called a podapalagon, which I believe has been de- scribed as a ‘warranted eradi- cator of cutaneous callosities ;’ that is, in simpler language, a thing to take out corns. But besides the classicalities now current at the counter, . there are other forms of slang =. in which our tradesmen take de- light, for to speak in plain pure English seems quite foreign to their taste. French is pressed into their service quite as much as Greek and Latin, and by ill-educated tongues which talk of “hany other harticle’ you can fancy how /a langue Francaise is mispronounced. T hardly ever now take up a newspaper without seeing an advertisement of some ‘recherché stock of goods’ which are to be di of forthwith ‘sans reserve.’ A hair-dresser now styles himself in general an ‘ertiste,’ and announces to the universe his famed ‘esprit de violette’ or ‘ bouquet de Thames.’ One enter- prising draper, whose name I lately noticed, has had the courage to combine his classics with his French, and to advertise for sale a lot of ‘droché madapolums, which must be something rather curious if they at all be really like their name. Corset and chapeau have quite supplanted such old English words as ‘stays’ and ‘ bonnet ;’ and of course no West End dressmaker would ever dream of namin petticoats by any other term than jupes. Why this is so I really can’t pretend to say; nor can I guess why in a newspaper professedly mtended for British circulation ‘ Le sommier élastique portatif’? should be announced, when ‘Portable spring mattress’ is vastly more intel- ligible, and by British tongues in general far more easily pronounced. .* Of course I need not say the French is bad French very often, and like the ‘ broché madapolums’ a sort of —_— slipslop which none but a valgarian would venture to construct. Instances of this are as plentiful as polkas in the windows of the music shops, and as absurd as the new love ballads whereof each hour brings a fresh batch. It will suffice that as a ape T call to your attention the ‘ derceau-nettes for babies,” which are advertised extensively throughout the London press. Now that Jerceau means a cradle every baby knows, but in the name of grammar what is meant by ‘nettes 7’ Of course you know the English of the French word xe¢ is ‘clean;’ but how can ‘ nettes,’ the plural feminine be affixable to ‘Zerceau,’ which is singular and him ‘some will be rpm ny Pg map and it will bea s & | which, he says, “hi masculine? And just as ‘Ir a mother would ever dream of buying’a berceau for her baby that was otherwise than me¢ / * But oh! this mention of one’s inds me of a horrible adver- tisement I’ve seen, which is h in big type ‘ Basrss.’ Good gracious, Mr. Punch / pray i Is it some new-fangled fire-arm, like an and can it be i really to goof? If dozen of one’s babies is not shot. I know I’ve t a pop-gun a sadly d us thing, and as for those toy rifles one now sees in eve a 3 Sn — sure that it an -_ bien Nn berg — them, for though CHARLEs says can’ grea’ ce he stuck on to them, such as seem made expressly to poke one’s ba ' eyes out. But what destructive implement a ‘p' ? be, I confess I monly have not courage te mquire; only I that if it be one-half as terrible as its nameseems to imply, our i population will be dreadfully decreased. I know I°ll take that nobody shall buy my ttle tiddleums a pistolgram, see quite clearly that it can’t do any harm: and for my part I can’t think ny people can’t use common English when they want to mame a thing, instead of puzzling one with gibberish that no one understands. ‘Cradle’ surely is as pretty a word as ‘beresau-nette,’ and while English folk speak English why on earth should tradesmen address them in bad French ? “Yours abruptly, Wr. Punch, for itile tiddleums %s-crying, “Anapeitza Anawinta AncEtina SurTH.” “PS. Cuanuns says he'd like to cateh me asking him to get up in the night to ‘rock the Jerceau-netie,’ or get baby its ‘bouillé? which he supposes will ere long be the sabstitete ter “pap.’” THE SPOILT CHILDREN OF THE ADMIRALTY. From the way in which affairs are managed in our dockyards would really think “my Lords” were in a state of second obildh and were playing at ship-building as a means of killing r sooner is a vessel put in good trim, and her crew by careful brought to quite a model state, than an order comes to strip her and turn all hands adrift; as though “my Lords” had suddenly grown tired of their plaything, and wanted to get rid of it. The wanton way in which new ships are soon neglected, and left to rot as hulks in the mud of Hamoaze, is quite unparalleled except by the caprices of spoilt children, who, for no cause, take a violent dislike to = new toy, and never handle it except to consign it to the dust- ole. Now, three-deckers and frigates are a costly sort of plaything, and we think that Mn. But would be thoroughly well justified if he for- bade their being wasted and misused as they have been. If our old naval enfants gatés must have some toy to play with, let them yearly be supplied with an old gunboat or two, which they may be at liberty to tinker as they please. More than this they really have no right to expect, and it is high time that their organs of destructiveness should | not have such development as has been hitherto permitted them. If all else fails to stop them, a cry of “Here’s Punch coming!” will doubtless do great good; and Punch promises to look into the nursery ere long, to see if any amendment has resvited from this threat, one ’ THE POPE'S LAST. Some years ago a drama was produced at Drury Lane, in which Mr. ANDERSON, acting as a Red ~ made a great sensation by repeating expressions of violent ha and contempt for “Civili- sation!” The Porz has just published an Allocution, wherein he appears to have taken a leaf out of the book of the author of the drama which Mr. Anperson used to distinguish himself in. His Holiness, in several places, denounces “Contemporary Civilisation,” as given rise to many facts never to be sufficiently | deplored.” The most ens of these facts, of course, is the deter- mination of the Roman States to exchange constitutional government for Popery. Let his Holiness and the Cardinals put on their war- paint, dance their war-dance, brandish their tomahawks, and shout their war-whoop against, “‘ Contemporary Civilisation ! ” A Circular Note. We are told that Rome is wanted as the future centre of United | Italy. It is true that Counr Cavour admits that to obtain possession | of it, the consent of France must be had. Under these circumstances, | it strikes us possibly that it is not Rome so much as Louis NaPoLEon | that is first wanted as a-ssenter. Given: the EMprRok oF THE FRENCH | as acentre, and Victor EmMaNnvgEL would not be long before describing | the magic circle he wants of Italian liberty. | +

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ae ——— § Soe a ae Aprit 6, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 139 SIGHT-SEEING AND SNEEZING. the public the ate: a. piebure;, and touch: its;thieyy sayy, ‘Look:at that expression ;’ and the consequences is, thiat: theyr serape off a | ‘@ have come to the conelusion that pictures: within: reas must | | little titiof’ put a liave already the experience that glass keeps all kno veryrmnuch a ar toprevent things:being d: aay > ™ Blow your: noses;, wipe: your eyes, and! don’t. breathe upon the glass,” was the enti once: hearin: similar should: be > the aw - for picture-| insisted. fend it. may be: bring before the notice- of followi remeie upon its: want ant a near enough to sneeze upon.a - good behaviour, te ‘ a by one who a ecg @ compelled’ to leave: their boxes > at what gents: call the and their 2% ** Brompton Bilers,’” but gentlemen term»more:pro- perly the South Kensing- ton Museum:— pictures:much clean: ttiough the a is gradually becoming very well behaved}. andi is: weil behaved, | still a toucinthings: We had a little. bit of sculpture; aumotherand a and thes! wee all:theamothers that came to the museum; they were me: side-of it, and touching it, till it became ao grubby. pce 5 tob em aie i” g from a peep-showman; and ‘a caution: some-| that an emg in. all. our picture galleries; ‘until’ the public better | described as.a “spread.” knows how it should behave itself. Keep your hands from and and: your mouths andi noses from ‘coughing and. from: — this: should: be the rule ai| inaiaiod eee a 8 pagal era nee ane witht: bad: cal not. be suffered entrance; except ie a watcher or policeman,. ——— would’ prevent their going or to a - off; andias for agro mg they> shoul a id now. leave their Me gee too if’ were a oe y : e moresexciting: pictures, so as to preven ager mga over orrlinrt: by: laughed at.. There is no ‘tears might dovto a tings ane Lit ey eal | (For Huddersfield). Jon Braicur lot— cr. We | British: public -cold-— ia ene $ rot, ine: THE SOCIAL NUISANCE. Lapis’ dresses: now expand! to: such a: circumference party, evem without a supper, may be | G THE YANKEES. Wao would ‘not be the.wife of a President, and be sketched in pen and ink in this way for the public ?— ** Mrs. Linco is a middle-aged lady of—well, say 40 or perhaps 33 years of age. | On the = of her head, the place where the hair ought to grow, the hair does grow, and very luxuriantly too, of a dark brown colour and elastic fibre. Her head is YAHOOS AMONG large and well-developed, presenting the organs of firmness and language in a highly | fi developed and well-matured condition. Her forehead is broad, her eye clear “and intelligent and rather blue than grey : her nose is—well, not to put too fine a point on it—is not Grecian ; her mouth is large, well-shaped, and capable of great expan- sion, while her chin rounds gracefully, balances properly,* and goes in a quiet way towards the endorsing of our opinion that she is a decided, not obstinate, woman. Her form inclines to stoutuess, but is well-fashioned and comely ; while her hi ands and feet are really beautiful, indicating, as does the well-shaped ear, that she has come from a race of people who were well born. Her carriage is good, her manners are ae her greetings are affable, and without doubt her intentions are correct. Mrs. Lincotn does not chew, nor snuff; does not dress in outré style, does not walk @ la Zouave, does not use profane ‘language, nor does she on any occasion, public or private, kick up shindies. These negatives are necessary, pg eb the affirmative of these propositions has been sent broadcast throughout the land.” As a pendant to these latter statements, we may mention that the writers. for the New York newspapers are, generally speaking, Yankees, not Yahoos, and gentlemen and not gorillas, This statement may be necessary, because persons at a distance might, from passages like the above, imagine that wild beasts wrote for the papers in America, and that anything like gentlemanly language was extinct. What would be ougs | in balend if the wives * leading statesmen were criticised in way; if Lapy Patmexston, for instance, were said to have red hate and the wife of Viscount Writ1ams were to be scribbled about as having a big mouth and a snub nose? Would not people of all creeds, Tory, Liberal, and Radical, concur in crying shame! upon so monstrous an intrusion upon family concerns ? A public man is public property; granted, gentlemen, of course: but only as regards his public acts and. bearing. 0 writer has a right to cross the private threshold, and to parade in public print what he may behold there. Criticise the Presi ent, and his policy. and speeches ; but ne x: ou claim the title of “ gentlemen of the press,” take care not to push your criticism further. With his wife and ‘family you have ae do, any more than with what he had served yesterday for And the penny-a-liner who would stoop to earn some cop pers ack impudence is worthy of more kickings than he is of h ence, * Balances what, pray ?—a donkey, or a poker, or a Chinese pagoda ? THE LAST NEW MARTYR. To the Editor of the Tablet. REVEREND (?) Srr, You have been informed, by the instantaneous agency of the electric wire, that the venerable Bisnor or Porrrers has been cruelly sentenced, by the subservient council of a tyrannical State, to be ormally reprimanded for having, in the fervour of a pious indignation, set the treacherous Emperor of the revolutionary Frencu the appro- priate nickname of Pontius Pivate. Oh, impious outrage! Oh, sacrilegious audacity! Oh, cruel, inhuman, atrocious, abominable ‘enormity! Oh, unheard-of persecution, unsurpassed by the Imperial Tyrant who, in the early ages of the pri- mitive Church, was wont to cause the faithful Catholics, disguised in the shag skins of terrible wild beasts; to be savagely baited to bitter death by ferocious and infuriated dogs!" Tt has been reserved for the worse than heathen minions of a modern Emperor to sentence a Catholic Bishop to be formally reprimanded. Oh! barbarous perse- cutors! Oh injured and insulted, yet enviable prelate. heroic sufferer of agonising but glorious martyrdom ! If you want a pastoral composed in regular style for any member of | your hierarchy, apply to Feast of All Fools, 1861. PRACH. RATHER PUNGENT. “ Now, my dear, I must insist upon it,” said the President of the | Female Anti- Tobacco League, in her angriest mood, to her were husband, “ do put down that filthy snuff-box of yours. You’re eternall using it. Why, I dec clare this composite is better a themaeail times than your nose ; ee is-too delicate “Ties mere exhibition, of | torbear: a pag of. Saree injury: There me ya tingeree eae are several chefs: d’ cuvre in: our Collection which which would hardly be dreamt | &¢ fine-enougl: to, maker alinosti & month water; | of, The. palilie: sneeze- upon and due care:shouldi be: taken: that fi , smoh: a Cause as the picturess, andi the this no evil should result, Of course the nation: lias: a aaa eee enc yente:| perfect right ta, gev-and oom its. = ; but we: oe it of tiie: Tue walaaaliia “of Mx. | Siould rememtien- that, works. TAN, BNER, Moramaaei pictures wenaee Hosarrs,, Rusens, and VanpyrxE are: not exactly to: be vered witin thie» ings and '| ranked tlie-things. which be: d ab, sneezings of the-} looking: —— eee closeat*the-pitture, and laugh- ingin thes presence: of! it. We ener + he & Little Nursery, Bligme. “ Why, my darling?” said. the husband, coolly helping himself to | another pinch. “ Because, Sir, it requires no snuffing,” was the wife’s indignant | reply, as she sailed out of the room, vehemently banging the door after ne to express her disgust.—N.B. A woman in a rage always bangs the r. International Courresy.—lItaly invites France to take French leave of Rome,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Apri 6, i AWFUL APPARITION! Mrs, T. (to 7., who has been reading the popular novel), “ Pray, Mr. Tomkins, ARE you Never cominc Up-starrs? How mucn LONGER ARE YOU GOING TO Sit up witH THAT ‘Woman IN WuitE?’ ” STRIKE, but hear me, my good fellow, f you will reflect, you can. Be not as the brutes which bellow; List to reason, like a man. Wages fair for fair day’s labour If you like, you may refuse ; Whereupon your foreign neighbour Work will get which you will lose. Your employers will not lack you; Spurn their proffer if you like. And the Public then will back you, Do you fancy, in your strike ? You, that in these times of trouble, Do your best to make them worse, When all food is costing double What it did, to every purse ? « STRIKE, BUT HEAR ME!’ Last cold winter just endeavour If you can, to recollect ; Next may prove as hard, but never Then the least relief expect. Deaf to all expostulation, As your course you now pursue, My pigheaded friend, the nation Will be then as deaf to you. Ah! then I shall see you slouching At the corner of the street, Cringing, stooping, crawling, crouching, Whining sore for bread to eat, For your wife and children craving Charity from door to door, Told that you—now thus behaving— Should have thought of them before ! T shall see you prostrate sprawling On the pavement, bare of bones, And, in white chalked letters, scrawling * T am starving!” on the stones. Or, with your companions tramping Out at elbow = at shoe, ‘ Hear you, for the cold while stamping, Sing, ‘ We’ve got no work to do!” Don’t believe a word they utter ho are making you their tool. Quarrel with your bread and butter ! How can you be such a fool ? Come, return to your vocation, Trowel, plumb, and square resume, Or go seek a situation At a crossing, with a broom. “Palmam qui Meruit Ferat.” Hamlet in a Laughing Mood. pose, of the tree under whose friendly shade Charlestown symbolically | asked to explain what “wn succés @’estime” meant ? when he laughingly | reposes. We think that Carolina is rather premature in raising this | said, “ Well, I will tell you, a Railway is le plus grand succés de steam,” | banner, for it remains yet to be proved which of the two—North or | that I know, and what is still more strange, the author of this grand | South America— is destined to carry off the Palm? We advise them | succes was, not a Frenchman, but an Englishman. ‘This success, like to make it up, and whilst the one holds out the right hand of friendship, | too many of your successes, was “not taken from the French,” but is let the other extend its Palm in hearty good fellowship. In the words | perfectly original. The Author’s name, I have the honour of informing of Dr. Warts, we tell them, with the privilege of a close relation, that | you, gentlemen, is StepHenson!” The company applauded MonsIzvs | sure their little hands were never made to scratch each other’s eyes. FrcuTer, as though they were at the theatre. | | | Sout Carolina has hoisted the Palmetto flag, in honour, we sup-, Monsreur Fecurer, at a large gathering of dramatic authors, was | By att means, Our.—The English passports now commence with “ We, Lory Joun Russet.” Should it not be * Wee?” _ A Question ror THe Horse Guarps.—When Peace is concluded, is War commenced ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Apnit 6, 1861. SS er “STRIKE, BUT HEAR ME.”"—DON’T QUARREL WITH YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER.

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Fe as

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Arar 6, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE

LONDON CHARIVARI. 148

| | | water, we beg most disti 4 =] fools that our cousins in that mighty Republic h aking of themselves in falling yee gy ery name tells them, all the States should ag sf JOHN PALMERSTON.' Am—‘“‘ John Highlandman.” An Trish Lord my JouN ‘was born, Both Dulness and Dons he held in scorn, _ But he stood for Cambridge at twenty-one,’ My t, gay, JOHN PALMERSTON ! ing hey, my brisk Joun Patmersron ! Sing ho, my blithe Jon» Parmerston ! Let Tory and Radical own they’ve none To compare with my jaunty Joun PaLMERsToON. Thanks to tact and temper, and taste for the trade, For twenty years in office he stayed, Let who would be Premier, it seemed all one, So his Sec.-at-War was JoHN PALMERSTON. Sing hey, &c. There he did his work, for chief after chief, Till the Tory party it cameto grief; And the Treasury Bench when the Whigs they won, ho was Foreign Sec. but Jonw Patmerston ! Sing hey, &c. Since then” thirty and one he’s seen, But no mark they ’ve left on this evergreen ; Still the first in his place when Debate’s begun, And the last to leave it is Patmensroy. hey, &c — veers pe his eyes. = his nose in the air, aun genial, an onair— Talk at him—¢o him inst him—none Can take.a rise out of Patmerston. Sing hey, &c. And suppose his parish register say He’s seventy-seven, if he’s a day ; What’s that, if you’re still all fire and fun, Like Meruuse.au, or Jonn PAtmerston ? Sing hey, &c. How to marshal a House of Commons’ fight, How to punish Dizzy, or counter Bricut, How Deputations ought to be done, Who can teach so well as Jonn PALMERSTON ? Sing hey, &c. Agricultural meetings he holds by the ears, ee their facings “ts Hampshire Volunteers, Or with Rowo.irrs takes up the gloves for fun, This elderly evergreen, PALMERSTON. Sing hey, &c. He’Il resist the or he’ll bow to the storm— He’ll patronise Barer, or hell chaff Reform,— Make a Bishop, or poke his fun At original sin, ene ALMERSTON, ey, eC. Of the Cingque-Ports Warden he’s made at last, And of invasion are cast : There’s never a Mounseer son of a gun Can come over you, my JoHN PALMERSTON — Sing he » &, Since the days of the Patriarchs ne’er was seen A head so grey with a heart so.green ; And when, if ever, his day is done, There ll be tears from Punch for Jomn PatMEnson. Sing hey, &c.

Am I not.a Man and a Brother, Jonathan? We see there has been a book published called Zhe sage? of Fools. For fear there should be any misapprehension on the other side of the ctly to state, that the work in question does the’ very en lately out and acrellinge when, as their the remotest allusion to America, notwithstan VDnite

Tu Poticeman’s Brat—By the Volunteers. ‘They have not the chance against the

jn ne re eens ng, and we time that there should be an end to it. e ap |-to give much check, and it must now be seen what fri If Lovely Woman perhaps it may be m. The poor fellows are getting quite A ORINOLINE HOSPITAL WANTED. Quousque tandem utere Orinolind, Miss? Here is another sample of the dangers you ineur by it:=—j; “ ANOTHER ORINOLINE Accrpex't.—Yesterday morning, as a lady was endeavour- Ee te ee which had alagresapanh te folds of her voluminous dress were caught bythe wheel of a cab, and she was carried a considerable distance by the vehicle before she could be extricated from her perilous position. On being conveyed to a ‘s it was ascertained that the poor had received a fracture of her leg in contusions, and ‘was conveyed to her home in a most pitiable Among the many schemes s ted for the outlet of benevolence, we wonder nobody has set on foot a hospital for patients who have been either maimed or burnt through the enna 5 of wide petticoats. So largely have the accidents from this cause of late increased, that were a Crinoline Wing added to Guy’s or St, 8 it would not long suffice to meet the exigencies of the case. Searcely a day passes without our hearing of some score or two of mii that have occurred through this fruitful source ‘of accident, andwe think it is high time that special steps be taken to = the ‘sufferers with equate relief. Litters should be kept at all the crowded crossings, to be ready {to convey the patients to the which should ‘be there should ee seoogtion tgnsee SOONG Sn tamentiies, whore in sufferers might be sheltered and receive the.care they need. Whether fire-escapes could be provided for ladies who their ascertain; butwe should certainly advise flour and other remedies for burns kept at hand in d@rawing- room ‘where Orinoline is tolerated, 0 2s 40 afford relief samfil the "Were we iaciincd to mélen-a classical comparison, we ere we the ing folds of a wile dress 0 dhe dead wi lit f dress int which Mr. B = eh amplitude o Is a point whic RAIDWOOD ma: i there belug,pleuty of fat and might liken sexpent’s folds the shirt of Nessus. Butas we hope that what we write will be wead as much by ladies as by schoolboys and M_P.’s, we will mot letomt the quotations which we haveat our pen’s tip. Suicide bcrinatine bes is has failed ma do is not to be laughed out of folly. she can be made nervous it; an Sr Wesraile deems wacker "angen Sr?” ws Ghee ‘ ere mar " ?” as | in ‘the shops, ladies might in some measure detexcod teams Gogetioe and the ht very likely with advantage be enhanced, were statistics to be published in bi incall sabont 2 showing the y lamed or burned Dehirenyl-

THE EASY HAIRCUTTING AND SHAVING SHOP. A Fixe opening into'a famous business ‘offers itself to any mode- rately enterprising hair-dresser who will only take a very little trouble to supply a want which is felt by every man, e mo ace men who tirel and not altogether are en ae B J ept even them. In spite of all that has been said against a — of solicitation which constitutes one of the greatest nuisances of common life, hairdressers’ assistants still persevere in bothering their odoriferous Alth, thon ‘the oo Ne ee 1 odoriferous then they e with suggestions of some specific for , and will ast toe inter an answer, and be quiet when you assure them that you are satisfied with Castile soap. “hus ht “yee A to dread entering a shop to get one’s not only of joining the moustache and i es =< hair of one’s — grow. Rs importani! these men are ex irritating. You are pestere with entreaties to things whict! you not only don’t want, but you will have to carry away. Can this be worth their while or captcha owe a Is any man ever persuaded is pockets Let BS ber setting up as a hairdresser. advertise his shop as one in which articles necessary to the toilet be obtained, but all Talia seepage ikting uncomnecoanie te tho:pepersrent patag nai announcements in the papers, an - bills printed to notify extensively enough that he intends PAR er sng hairdressing without rare prod wcse J divested of arism,

renouncing the barbarous of attempting to force sales of fluids onl pained: Tf, eraiditie ts shaving hairdressing, he wishes én was strangled, or compare them forgembustien to_

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144 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Apri 6, 1861, articles, illuminated, framed, and glazec his business is conducted, and which will soon be class of persons who would gladly go miles out of their way to peace and quietness, without being worried. in the hairdressin; assuredly take root and flourish. to} sell creams ‘and extracts, he 'can content himself with sticking puffs of those illumi all over the walls of the rooms in which largely frequented by a numerous to get their hair cut in hosoever will drive a roaring trade g and shaving line, he has nothing to do more than observe the above directions; and set up his pole in any decent neighbourhood wherein it will THE GREAT DIVORCE (NOW DUE). Days of Divorce are these: Srz CRESSWELL CRESSWELL— _acus, Minos, Rhadamanth in one— Sits, saying sternly, to all wedded sinners, “Divide!” and it is done! Spite of both Rome and Oxford—BowyeEr’s howlings, And Samvet’s struggles, sly and saponaceous,— Joun BuLt’s coarse common-sense has given the lie To Theologues pugnacious— And said that marriage is a mutual compact With two parts, whereof either rudely broken, Dissolves the other, though upon the banns A priest have blessing spoken. So come you down into the severing court, You ill-matched ancient pair, whose wedlock’s scandal, Ages ago, to Dante’s awful scorn Gave a tremendous handle. Come Roman Church and State—pair foully linked, Worse fate—by ConsTaNTINE and CHARLEMAGNE! From Union which has wrought the curse of both, Be separate again ! Poor Church—which ere that fatal wedding rite, Wert still a virgin—holy, pure and true: Poor State, that with a soldier’s faults hadst then A soldier’s virtues too! Now tainted each with other’s special sins : Church as State stupid, sensual, and self-seeking ; State as Church cowardly, persecuting, proud, ; Subtle and sneaking. Come—long enough the world has blushed or bled, For crimes which from your union took their source— Let Rome that, sorrowing, saw your wedlock, see Rejoicing, your divorce ! “Whom God hath joined let not man put asunder: ” The word is good. Part not whom God unites: But whom the Fiend has joined, God bless the hand That, swift, asunder smites. Ricut asout Face !—When a man’s countenance lights up, is it probable (do you think, Wiscount VILLIAMs ?) that it is because he possesses Lantern Jaws ? OUR ROVING CORRESPONDENT. “My pear Puncu," ** Cervantes has scarcely depicted a more amusing episode in Sancho Panza’s official life than when that humble hero, seated at the dinner-table, is prevented from satisfying his appetite by the officious zeal of his medical adviser. Dainty after dainty appears, but the physician is inexorable, and dishes vanish, one by one, under his potent wand. There are es in my life when I have been forcibly reminded of the scene. I allude to passages on the briny sea. The feast is spread, the guests assembled, the Captain smiles and begins to carve, when lo! up rises Neptune with that awful trident, the table lurches at his touch, and away we stagger to our cabins. Perhaps we do not lose much by the interdiction. The viands on board the} Baron Nosey are not always of a first-rate description, and on the occasion when we were bound for Porto Franco would certainly not have tempted me under a favourable wind. I am not much given to the pleasures of the table, even when the pleasures‘of the table are given to me; but this I will say, that I prefer a hot dinner to a tepid one, and as the latter was the condition in which the dishes were served, and a strong atmospheric evidence of engine-room was now and then wafted across the cabin—after vainly winking at DEwBERRY, who was dividing his attention very fairly between Miss Emity Spicer (Masor Sricer’s second daughter) and a pigeon pie, and failing to draw him off, I went on deck to console myself with a weed. “There, as it happened, I came suddenly on a select party of three, who were making a meagre pic-nic under the shelter of the paddle-box— an Englishman, his wife, and a sort of ‘young person,’ who, not appearing precisely in the character of a companion or of a servant, seemed to discharge the duties of both. As I walked forward, quite innocently, to my surprise, there was a great confusion, and a sudden making away with papers of sandwiches and hiding a suspicious looking bottle in the folds of an umbrella, The gentleman aforesaid, who was making convulsive efforts to swallow a mouthful of ham, pre- tended to be earnestly engaged in contemplating the engine-room, while his worthy lady suddenly became immersed in Murray’s Hand- | book, by which | have no doubt she must have been extremely edified, | seeing that it was, as I subsequently discovered, upside down. “Well, I puffed away in silence (being, of course, forbidden under heavy penalties to speak to the man at the wheel), and was presently joined by Dick, his fair charmer having left him in order to accon- | any her Mamma, who had freely partaken of lobster salad, into the | adies’ cabin, as it was getting rather rough. “Dick, on hearing of the pic-nic business, burst into a roar of laughter. ‘Don’t you know who that is?’ said he; ‘that’s M‘Trnszt, | of Skifflint Hall, Ayrshire, and that’s his wife. They bring their own | lunch on board to save a few franes below; but they always take | places in the saloon of a boat, for the sake of appearances. I knew them in Paris, where they had swell apartments in the Faubourg St. | G., and dined on a leg of mutton all the week. Old M‘T. is always talking of the magnificent establishment which he left at Skifflint ; and he may speak the truth for aught I know, as the place is let twelve months in the year. They are pretty well off in the world, if they | would only live quietly; but as they wi// attempt to “astonish the Browns,” they are put to all sorts of mean little shifts at home. Where did you say they stowed the bottle? Wait a bit. I must pay my respects, you know.’ And here the deceitful wretch, under cover of this object, went up to them, and a minute afterwards I saw him offering his assistance to . M‘T., who was moving off laden with the remains of the banquet. ‘Oh! thank you, Mz. DewBeRRy, never mind,’ said that lady, as Dick was politely taking the umbrella; ‘Never mind—I can—at least—oh, take care, /? Aad at this juncture the umbrella fell wide open, and disclosed a black bottle, from which issued (according to Dick) a strong odour of Jamaica rum. joe

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Aprit 6, 1861.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | one), as we" | and indeed I thought so too. ** We were up the next morningvearly, to look at the sunrise, and I | who have not seen many, I am ashame |... "ae . I scenery—I know : ; skipped in my novel-reading days. ‘What, after all, is the good of}; | | | } | | | and bronze-armed And after-a/few other remarks, the **Tt’s—it’s only the—the claret,’ said Mrs. M‘T., getting very pink. * You know the wine is so shockingly bad on board, and Moreaw can’t get on without his—ahem— Bordeaux’ And she put up such a piteous mean little face that I couldn’t help pitying her. f “*To be_sure—an excellent plan,’ said Dick, looking across to me. And here M‘T., who had retired from the scene, hoping to escape notice, now, the umbrella opened,:and the murder out, came up rather sulkily, seizing the unate gingham, they both went below, looking very warm and uncomfortable. i : “ Drox and. J had ‘both secured «sofas to sleep on at-night, which, by the way, are infinitely preferable 'to‘those ye ge called berths Before retiring to rest, we:were pacing the deck, minster days and future oe when, whom should we ame om t Miss ARMsTRONG, ‘the celebrated American \painter ~ 8. Wnerone’s -converzationes)—yes, by AnMsTRONG reading Cartyne ‘by the lightdf her cigarette. ‘Hullo! is that you?’ said the damsel, with ancextra ,andmothing - ‘How a. o ae — might, aint it oo ere are yyou off to? (puff, puff). | , Ligmess—so.am of work \waiting for me mutt ne Doox or ‘Macxrrosx -will be there this winter. Know him? ‘Not a bad @éller, Z:can ‘you.’ qouns ladyewent onwithher book. ** * Who'the doose is that?’ said Dicx (who*thinks he knows every- A walked away,and I'tolil-him. ‘By Jove, she’s « :clipper, and will make her way in the world in spite:ofiker snub; nose,’ said he, delighted with the marvellous effect of colour. The sky was— the fate-of such ina hundred pages which I have — hackneyed expressions and threailbare adjectives to describe in crooked letters what'the most skilfulypencil can but suggest? Soave will stand out ofthe light, with yourmermission, and only uneover-our heads before the Majesty of Dawn. “The day spassed away very pleasantly, and that rogue Dick had (ahneliienseeataal tac. to ee pee that Les old = ned c to anyone who will relieve guard in attendance on his a) shook ‘him heartily by the hand as we approached Porto sand:said “Happy to have made your acquaintance, Mr. DEWBERRY; swe shall meet again in Rome. hear of me at Pellegrini’s—you know.’ : “ Dick immediately took down the address in his pocket-book, and looking pathetically at Miss Emmy, said he should certainly do him- self the pleasure of calling. I smiled to think how much such compli- ments usually mean betwixt men, and recalled the time when I fondly believed people would be glad to see me when they said so. A similar invitation when I was a youngster induced me to visit a celebrated R.A.’s studio; and a pretty reception I got there. Well! well! thank Heaven, all men are not alike. Let us give the honest Major the benefit of the doubt, and wish Master Dick success of his siege in the Eternal City. “Tt was already dusk, and we had got our small collection of — > together, when a boat came alongside to take off all passengers for Porto Franco. We jumped sin with some fellow-travellers, and were soon floating over the deep waters of the Bay. A Neapolitan merchant vessel was m the quay, and the sailors were chaunting some dreamy ditty at their work ; else, all was quiet. Two men, red-capped punted: our boat along. © When the deuce are these buffers going to pull?’ said Drox. You may always | * What on earth is the good of backing water all the way?’ For the graduate was as yet unacquainted with the style of rowing prevalent in this part of the world, and which at first sight naturally excited | indignation in one who had pulled bow in the University Hight. ** Faithfully yours, * Jack Eases.” Impromptu (of Course). (Made at 5 minutes to 11 P.m., in one’s comfortable Library, over a blazing good fire, and one of the very best of Havannahs, and after imagining that one had seen in the live coals the outline of a specimen of the masculine gender in a Parisian Corset /) Ox! love of dress, how vain its. ways ! As shown in yonder Stupid Fop— We see full clearly where it stays; — But tell—pray tell us—where ’twill stop ! Wit in the Mess Room. “Way, I am sure,” said a big-mouthed, braggadociwus Captain, after the second bottle, “‘at the capture of Delhi, that I must have looted at least—ay, at least—a bagfull of diamonds.”’ Ay, I see, a regular sack of carats,” said a promising young Ensign, who, before joining, had learnt to be witty by associating with several stockbrokers. Ves ar talking of old Bast- | 7 to |: ‘daiken | tos to-say since Lieft school, was |# am not going to be tempted into any descriptions of MANSION HOUSE MARBLES. ast among the w various purposes subserved by the Paxpeses Co urposes m- mittee, is the adornment of the ion House. For\this purpose, by ‘order of the Court .of Com- mon Council, they have within nine years ordered di- vers sculptures to ihe executed by-sundry artists. Among ‘these # yworks of art, all ’% in mar ms a , statue of Bar- a DANAPALUS, OW mearly completed. Assyrian monarch and voluptuary will be a suitable ornament for that hallewhich is consecrated to the orgies of the City King. It-will be considerably more in keeping with the character of the apartment in | uestion than that-of a very:different sovereign about to be placed there—At¥FrREep THE GREAT. Another neighbour of SanpanapaLus _|is to be a statuette named DrypEn’s Alexander's Feast. It is diffi- cult to imagine how a statuette can be made out of such a subject, | unless we suppose it to represent ALEXANDER in the act of feasting, | in which case it would certainly form a most suitable embellishment of the Mansion House. But Atrrep will be quite out of place there, and, if as yet only ordered, should by all means be countermanded for a becoming substitute. As one that would harmonise completely | with the genius loci, and admirably match SaRDANAPALUS and | Alexander's Feast, we earnestly recommend the Roman Emperor | Vireiivs, who was so excessively addicted to eating and drinking, | and thus, as his name would be said in the City to signify, sitch a beggar for wittles. PALMERSTON AT HOME. Lorp Patmerston, on Maunday Thursday, delivered: an At Home | before his Tiverton constituents in the shape ofan Easter Entertain- ment. The occasion of this performance-was his Lordship’s appoint- ment to the Office of Lord Wardenof the Cinque Ports, which five nee however, the Right Hon. Viseount, to the satisfaction of his earers, showed to-be little better than five empty bottles. The ob- servations of the noble Prem related to affairs in general, and, as usual, blended instruction with amusement, being heard with rapt attention and interrupted by roars of laughter. The latter were more particularly elicited the remarks which he made in answer to a volley of absurd and vulgar abuse which was fired at him by a friend of the le, whom he shut perfectly up, concluding with these words :—* I believe I have answered most of the questions put by Mr. Rowciirrs.” Digging for Medical Roots. Wnuat is hypocrite derived from? We are not classical enough to say, and have no time to write to Dean Trexcu, but we should say that it came originally from HiprockatEs, and means one who is a quack, who prescribes falsely, and deals in deleterious things. Such a man is a hypoerite, as contradistinguished from a true disciple of Hirrocrates, or one who is a genuine professor of the healing Truth. AN IMPERIAL ENRAGED MUSICIAN. Tse Emprror or Austria would not mind Kossurn’s striking | false notes, if they were not likely to create discord in Hungary. Tae Sourrest Krxp or Actp.—The Ascetic Acid.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Apriz 6, 1861. e—3 4-177 “4 4 ¢ “Le FORCE OF HABIT.—(A TABLEAU FOR FAMILY PsvPLE ONLY.) Apo.rHus, GzorcE, AND Louisa, ARE PLayine IN Kenstneton GARDENS—TO THEM THE Famity Doctor UNEXPECTEDLY. A. AND « G. ayy L. GO THROUGH THE EXPRESSIVE PANTOMIME OF PUTTING OUT THEIR TONGUES AS A MATTER OF COURSE, TO SPURGEON. A Remonstrance, A Triton ’mong minnows—’mong small fry a Sturgeon, Of the Sea of Dissent still be Bishop, O Spunczon— May his tonsils and windpipe ne’er call for a surgeon, Be tough as bull-leather, O lungs of my Spurczon ! While upwards shall shoot, and resplendent shall burgeon, With rare flowers of speech, the renown of my SpuRGEon. In ’spounding and ’splaining still frothily surge on, In the comic-conventicle-style dear to SpuRGEON. Subscriptions to finish thy church may’st thou urge on, To a thundering tune, irresistible SpuRcEoN. And long may the thousands transpontine converge on The plate and the porch of my popular SruRGzoN. If Pride must have a fall, lightly still fall Pride’s purge on Tabernac’lar trustees, full of faith in their Spunczon. Be it long ere thine own chapel choir sing a dirge on The decline of the drawing attractions of SpuRGEON. But as two of a trade can’t agree, if you verge on My domain, Punch must say, “One at once, my dear SpuRGEON. From his show-box the io pit were Punch to emerge on, Ask yourself how you'd like it, my excellent SpuRGzON ?” Troops that Can Well be Spared. Tatx of recalling the troops from Rome, we wish Louis NaroLEon would recall the troops of Frenchmen and Frenchwomen that infest Regent Street in the day-time, and the purlieus of Leicester Square at night! We do not think any person would throw the smallest obstacle in the way of their leaving the country. One thing is certain, that the. safety, as well as the respectability, of that part of London would be materially increased by their absence. e do wish the Emrrror would recall them, PROPOSED DECORATION OF THE HOUSE OF LORDS. Ir is said that Her Maszsty has been advised to do the House of Lords the honour of creating Sir Bensamin Bropre a Peer. So dis- tinguished a representative of the medical profession among the Peers would add much to their Lordships’ intellectual dignity, of which at present the most eminent examples are the law lords. But a profession grounded on knowledge of the laws of nature is infinitely nobler than one which merely demands acquaintance with the statutes and usages of the realm, and the first surgeon in England is, as such, fitter to be ennobled than the first lawyer; that is to say, if the surgeon, who should be a philosopher, cares about a title. Moreover, the medical profession is infinitely more respectable than the legal; for whereas the former involves nothing that is morally dirty, the practice of the latter largely consists in abetting extortion, defending scoundrels, defeating the ends of justice, and, for these purposes, employing a venal sophistry, and bullying witnesses with the intent of confusing them and tricking their mouths into telling aoe a lie. Than all which mercenary and fraudulent operations, lithotomy, amputation, the taking up and tying of arteries, and all other proceedings tending to the cure of disease, the salvation of life, and the relief of pain, even bleeding and tooth-drawing, are infinitely more honourable. Therefore, hey for Lorp Bropr ! Jigs for Gents. A Fettow actually advertises Yelverton Waltzes. A Yelverton waltz, we suppose, is a valse a deux dames, We have not even heard these waltzes, and therefore are unable to say if the vileness of the music corresponds to the offensiveness of their title. Of course we have not seen them danced, because, to do that, we should have had to mingle with the most awful of snobs, and descend into the most horrible abysses of disgusting blackguardism. Tae ReTvRN OF THE PropiGaL.—LEvil for Good. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 1 Woburn Pi d Frederi f To. 19, i West, Regent’s Park, both in the Parish of St. Pan in the Co ff Mi by ge ot aioary, @ P poate od * urn Place, ani erick Mallett Bee, 0 To. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park, both in sh o' Cras, unty o ns i Sarvspar, April 6, 1961. the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City’ of London, and Publishea by them at No. 9, FleetStreet in the Parish of St. Bride, ‘a the

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Aprit 13, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. At the Haymarket play-bill’s head i THe MTEL AND HIS MEN” I read, A weight of years my mind off Upon the instant seemed to fall, I was again an urchin smal|— Forgotten, toils and cares and all, I cried aloud, “ A cab go call, I will revisit Grindoff/” THE GRINDOFF OF OUR YOUTH. What joy, as on my way I rolled, To live again youth’s age of gold, To tear life’s bitter rind off; To taste anew its kernel sweet— As once, when Fancy Hope would meet Round Farrparrn’s richly-coloured sheet, With cast of characters complete, From Kelmar up to Grindoff / I see them now! The fair Claudine— Ravina too, the bandit queen, With slow-match coil to wind off— Riber, Golotz, ferocious brutes ! In tabbed and buckled baridit-suits ; Count Fribourg, splendid in his boots, Carl, and Lothair, who bravely shoots, After humbugging, Grindoff / And, last not least, stood Grindoff there, Disguised from treacherous heel to hair, Suspicion thus to blind off, In Miller’s coat, and beaver grey, GRINDOFF REVISITED. Though from beneath that mild arra Peeped forth the boots which meta | to say * Pistols and Plunder, are the lay Of the abandoned Grindoff /” Those sheets of seenes too! Wings and flies— Cottage O.P. where Kelmar tries To talk a dog’s leg (hind) off; The boats to cross the lake with sacks— Rowers with practicable backs— The mill that works its sails, and clacks— Th’ interior—scene of Carl’s attaeks On robbers, rats, and Grindoff /-- The wood where Rider and Golotz Deal dagger-thrusts and pistol-shots, And lead Lothair, made blind, off ;— The cavern underneath the mill, Where bandits at their wicked will, Dance and carouse and sleep and swill, While brave Lothair, with simple skill, Gulls stern, but shallow Grindoff/ Once more, Lothair prepares the train ; Once more with crime and jealous pain Ravina’s beauty’s pined off ;— Once more, dark Rider's midnight erime Is stopped by Cari, in nick of time ;— Once more, the hill the soldiers elimb,— Once more the Mill blows up sublime, Over the corpse of Grindoff / Oh blissful past! Oh happy day! When thoughts of evening’s coming play I breakfasted and dined off: Characters cut and marshalled fair,— ov Scenery and machinery square,— “he dialogue got up with care,— the squibs to blow the Mill in air, After the fall of Grindoff/ Yes, I will be a boy again; y ; | And with “THE MILLER AND HIS | a These forty years of mine dof; The drama that so charmed the boy Will charm e’en manhood’s dull annoy, And, though the gold have some alloy, A golden hour 1’ll still enjoy, With my old favourite Grindoff' ! % * a * * Ah me! It was an idle whim. Life’s coarse-grained crucible why skim Kind memory’s gold refined off ! Sink from small-caps my sanguine pen— I’ve seen Zhe Miller and his Men; But no old glory gilds again, The mill or cottage, wood, or glen— Still less their tenant Grindoff / Keilmar still pumps! still rants Lothair— Claudine her beautiful back-hair The ribbons still doth bind off. Still Car? has his familiar jest ; Still Fribourg sinks with sleep opprest ; Btill Rider’s stabbed, blown up the rest Of the yile gang of Grindoff! Pat Grindoff of dear Farnparnn’s page! e hero of my tiny stage, With face so grimly lined off ! In vain, in vain, [ looked for him— The belt with pistols garnished grim ; And copper buttons round the rim, The yellow boots and buekle trim, That glorified my Grindof / THE GRINDOFF OF THESE DEGENERATE DAYS. So with them all, degenerate set ! I charge ye, one and all, go get Costumes so ill-designed off! Was ne’er a bandit there that wore The jacket with its tabs of yore ; The belt with buckle huge before, The boots with ochre yellowed o’er, That fit the band of Grindoff/ Alas, that e’er I dared the shock, Of Fancy’s bark on Fact’s hard rock— Took memory’s eyés the blind off— How shall I win ye back again, My “Twopence coloured, penny plain?” Who stabbed and shot, slew or were slain, Or him who ruled your ruffian train, My boyhood’s awful Grindoff / ne = — lo = = = — : = ee ee ee ee ee eS Sl ae 7? sequence will very probably be a European war, in which I shall | HOHENZOLLERN'S PRAYER, be. obliged to pe Bg eo sualnes your Majesty. I shall be very | (To His Majesty the Kine or Parvssta.) sorry to fight the father-in-law of my Princess; but international Sinz, justice must be maintained. It will never do for me to let France Your Majesty concludes his Royal reply to an address pre-| alone go to the rescue of Denmark, thrash your Majesty at another sented to him by the municipality of Berlin on the occasion of his | Auerstadt, annex the left bank of the Rhine—and perhaps abolish the birthday, with the following most patriotic, virtuous, and religious | Prussian Monarchy. May your Majesty, therefore, succeed in pre- aspiration :— oe = —— of his re by oe, his whole conpies ee “ - mincing is own business; and may the assistance your Majesty | country, in onder that We eae sents se cody ee ETTORE i vclopmont, | ivokes be vouchsafed your Majesty to accomplish that laudable | and devote all our powers thereto. May the Lord grant us His blessing and His endeavour. z a . Es : e | assistance for this purpose.” am, Sire, your Majesty’s most Gracious Sister-in-law’s most May your Majesty sincerely strive to do that which he breathes so | °Pedient and faithful subject and servant, PUNCH. fervent a aape to succeed in doing. May your Majesty accordingly | forthwith abandon the aggression which he is attempting on the| P.S. Your Majesty’s professed intentions are excellent. May your dominions of his neighbour the Kine or DenmaRk, and relinquish | Majesty never tread the pavement which is formed of those materials. . his design of plundering that sovereign of Schleswig and Holstein. | May it, then, please your Majesty to desist from coveting and desiring For if your Majesty perseveres in that seheme of spoliation the eon-| his neighbour's provinces, and not to break the peace. | ied ~~ VOL, XL, Q

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Arrit 13, 1861. OC gee , NN Vicar Sng = A RA Wit TAS BY Se \ Ni = Unflinching Conduct of Our Artist (838th Middlesex) on the Field of Wimbledon. ANOTHER VIEW OF THE STRIKE. No person ever denied to Mr. Punch possession of perfect impar- tiality; and if any one ever had been such a goose as to deny it, J/r. Punch would not have cared. It is purely in the exercise of his own sovereign will and pleasure that he prints the following extract from a Dublin Pote, who has favoured him with a pamphlet on the subject of Strikes. The elegance and eloquence of the composition do honour to the author, Mr. M‘Anasrre; and though Mr. Punch may dissent from that bard’s teaching, it is satisfactory to know the strongest arguments that can be urged for quarrelling with one’s bread and butter :— “* A tradesman’s first duty is to protect his trade, From all encroachments lawless power bas made ; For it is he that raises cities, towns, and squares, And almost every article that mankind wants and wears, Empires and kingdoms grow up at his command: He fosters all that makes the noble mind expand ; For by his incessant toil and inventive mind We see those beauteous works by him designed. He is the bone and sinew that adorns the state, But has been badly treated by the self-called great. The toiling millions working day and night, Feed those detracting nabobs who usurped their right. As the tradesman pandered to them one and all, Which raised this jobbing crew to their own downfall, Should now combine against these sordid knaves, To get their rights, no longer now be slaves ; For Union is power, tyranny cannot defeat, Self reliance and protection makes them and their country great.” Anyhow, the logic is better than Mr. Potrer’s, and the poetry is | eminently calculated to scare the Detracting Nabobs against whom the Pote launches his fulminations. Bravo, M‘Anasrie! It’s your- | self that can hould the candle straight, sir. Moonstruck Bells and Men. ‘Tue Westminster bells have again been striking all manner of hours. Big Ben is cracked we know, and should think that must also be the case with those other bells. They have struck with a wanton absurdity oa equal to that which has distinguished the strike of the working uilders, Lyme iv Strare:—A Queen’s Speech. ‘AWFUL CENSUS-WARNING. Tue following terrible instance of a rapid Nemesis, in the case of a Census-return, speaks for itself, and only needs a word of introduction, A family that lived— (Panch suppresses the exact locality, as strict care should & taken that the returns are not used for the gratification of | curiosity)—in Brompton, in 1851, and that lives in that favoured | locality still, handed on Monday morning last the -following return | to the elegant Enumerator who called for the Census paper :— | } | | Relation to | Age last) Rank, Name and Surname.) Head of /Condition. Birth- Profession, or the Family. day. Occupation. Fe tt | Sex. John Bloggs. . Head. Maria Matilda 8a- rah Ann Bloggs . Married. Male. 50 Merchant. Wife. Married. | Female. 39 Lady. | Emmeline Sophia Bloggs . . -, Daughter. Lucy Isabella Ca- | therine Bloggs .| Daughter. | Louisa Rebecca Be- atrice Bloggs . . Single. | Female. 23 Young Lady. Single. | Female. 22 Young Lady. Daughter. | Single. | Female. 21 Young Lady. | Margaret Isabel | Bertha Bloggs . Daughter. Single. | Female. 19 Young Lady. I declare the foregoing to be a true return, &c. Joun BiLoao (Written, however, by Mrs. Bioac). By one of those accidents which will happen in the best regulated families, Captain RopericK VICKALPINE, who is rather spooney upon | Miss Marcaret’s {profuse tresses and pathetic glances, was, on the | afternoon of that same Monday, left alone in the back drawing-room at Brompton, while the ladies were completing their toilettes of reception. When the gallant Captain was tired of looking at the four | big prints and six little ones on the walls, and had read a Notice of Vestry until he began to take an interest in parish affairs, and had | teased the cat until she bolted out of the room, and had wished that | he dared light a cigarette, and had observed that the housemaid did not sweep well into the corners, and had perused all the letters in his pat twelve times, and had cut his nails very neatly, and at last | egan to think that there was some mistake, the eye of the distin- panes officer lighted upon the only book in the room, This was a andsome copy of Tae Boox, and had been given to Mr. Bioces on his marriage, by his friend Mr. Brices, a fact duly set out in gold letters on the cover. Not more unaccustomed to the sight of the volume than Captains in general are, the brave RopExick respectfully lifted up, first, a small vase with artificial flowers, then a bead mat, then a backgammon board, all of which were pyramidically arranged on the large tome, and then he came to the volume itself, on which a margin of dust showed, in elegant contrast to the non-dusty part which had been covered by the backgammon board. He opened the book at the beginning, and beheld handwriting, and, as he considered himself to belong in some sort to the family (for he had two or three times pressed the fingers of the pathetic Marcaret at parting, and observed, at other times, that the sooner a fellah was settled the better), he conceived that he had a right to read what was inscribed. He read, on a piece of vellum inserted for such purpose, (that an entry in such a book might be merase as almost_sworn to, as it were), the following statement in the hand of Jonn Bioces :— Married, at St. Wombat’s, Borough, on the 15th March, 1833, Jouy Bioces, aged 22, to Marta Matitpa Mary ANN Fipzer, aged 20. May we be happy! First Child. A daughter. Born 28th February, 1834. Baptised by the names of Emmevine Sopuia. Second Child, A daughter. Born 1st January, 1835, Baptised by the names of Lucy IsaBELta CATHERINE. Third Child. A daughter. Born 3lst December, 1835. Baptised by the names of Louisa Respecca Beatrice. Fourth Child. A daughter. Born 5th November, 1836. Baptised by the names of MarGaret IsaBeL BeRTHA, | On perusing this last statement, the gallant Caprarn took :up-his | hat, and is now in Paris. He did not close the book before going, and | the rouge upon the cheek of the pathetic Marcaret was lost in the | scarlet hue which surrounde that aid to nature, when, entering with | a pensive smile, she beheld no Captain, but the open record in the Family Bible. The moral need scarcely pe pointed out, yet let it be added: Never leave marriageable Captains alone with Family Bibles.

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Apri 13, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 149 ro sll : aN | {A MEDIUM. Nursery-Maid (to horse, with great affection). ‘‘On, you Dartina! I am so FOND OF you!” MARRIAGE FOR THE MASSES. Can a man marry on £200 a year? is a question which some little time ago was much discussed. It would appear, from the subjoined newspaper paragraph, that marriage is possible under circumstances considerably narrower than those of a couple whose annual mcome amounts to £200 :— “Gratuitous MARRIAGESs.—The Rev. J. W. Laven, incumbent of St. Peter's, Great Saffron Hill, lately announced that during Easter week marriages at that Church would be performed free of all charges, and yesterday about twenty couples attended the Church for the purpose of being married on these terms, and more, whose banns have been published, will avail themselves of the offer of the reverend gentleman within the next few days. Most of the parties appeared to be of the poorer classes residing in the densely-populated and poverty-stricken neighbourhood of the ruins of the new street near Holborn Hill, to whom the usual marriage fees have been a great obstacle to their getting married.’’; Twenty couples in a church make a respectable congregation—respectable that is in point of magnitude; for of course Respectability in the social scale could never get married for nothing. They were doubtless all united at once, and the spectacle of one half of a congre- gation marrying the other half would have seemed very extraordinary to persons moving in Society. if Society had extended to Saffron Hill an looked in at St. Peter’s. St. Peter of Saffron Hill and St. George of Hanover Square may have found some. amusement in comparing notes on the occasion. St.George probably in his own church never saw so many couples married at a time during the whole course of his beatitude. He must have been very much struck with the fact that all those persons were joined’ together in holy matrimony by the Rev. J. W. Lavcaum proprio Hymene so to speak, and off his own ae. The Saint of Hanover Square has een accustomed to see it take two clergymen, and often a bishop in addition to an eminent parson, to marry one single couple of the superior classes, There was a time when the sight of so many poor people contracting marriage in a crowd would have suggested to a member of Society the analogy of an equally wholesale hanging. The latter destiny he aces perlaps have been inclined to foresee as the probable termination of the career of most of those whom he beheld devoting themselves to the former apparently with the prospect of having to choose econ begging and stealing. Even now the idea of a multitude contracting such imprudent marriages as those in which future happiness is not se- cured by proper settlements, will be regarded in Tyburnia and Belgravia, and even in Blooms- bury and Russell Square generally with horror. Numerous marriages on so much less tian £200 a year as the probable means of the twenty couples above described as having been made husbands and wives, are calculated to appal overseers and other parochial authorities with a pees of increased poors’ rates, and politi- c economists may shake their heads at unions which seem likely to result in the district Union. Society has reason to call such marriages im- pee but without them how would Society provided with servants, soldiers, and sailors ? Society rests on the shoulders of those who marry upon next to nothing, if not, as in the cases above cited, in formdé pauperis; and Bel- gravia and Tyburnia are sustained by the slums. KEEP YOUR FIVE SHILLINGS! So the Greeks propose to offer the Crown of Greece (when Oruo has quite done with it) to a son of the Queen or Encuanp! Prince ALFRED is the happy recipient of the com- pliment ; but his next brother might be a better choice. Fancy Kine Artuur turning up again on the Hill of Mars, and Grecian minstrels tuning up ** To peal proud ArRTHuR’s march from fairy-land.” Upon calm consideration, however, Lorp Protector Puncu begs to decline the crown in question, on the part of both his young friends, or, to put it more civilly, to fix the coronation for the Greek Kalends. Let the present King mind his own business better. The French neatly ask, What is the principal want of Greece? and reply, even more neatly, “‘ Coton, soie, fil, et laine.’ When stupid people don’t understand this, it is explained to them in writing. “Qu’Othon soit Phil-Hellene.” Let him do this, and Greece need not be lookin about for anew dynasty. Anyhow, Mr. Punc again declines the Greek Crown, which at pre- sent does not appear to him to be worth quite the Five Bob which vulgar jesters disgustingly assert are to be found in the English cart-whee News ror Exerer-Hatt.—Tux expelled Italian despots have all become Protestants. A fact dear Lorp S. They are all protesting against the title of the Kuve or Iraty, et Ne,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, [Arrin 13, 1861, OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. Ean Puncu,—I have often heard it stated that the Drama is declining, and that as arule the British nation has ceased to take an in- terest in theatrical amuse- ments. The truth of this assertion is convincingl made manifest by the fact that every theatrein London is now open, and that at two of the first houses (the Adelphi and St, James’s) the bills remained unchanged from Christmas until Easter, clearly showing that the —_— had supported what ad pleased it. People reedy after novelty may ike to be informed that the fare is altered now; for that pleasant, piquant dish, Zn- dymion, is removed, and for a month the Colleen Bawn has migrated to Dublin. How it used to e me shiver. during the cold weather to see ng side by : side with the first leader in the Times, the stereotyped account of how the dauntless Mr. Bovor- CaUL? was nightly taking his ‘tremendous header’ in the lake: a feat that, when the temperature was somewhere \below zero, demanded, one would t no ordinary coolness. No fewer than a hundred and sixty-seven times did the intrepid Miles-na- take his daring plunge, and come up nightly covered with cold water and applause, and judging by the unabated rush there was to’ see. the chances are, [ think, that when his Dublin trip is over, he will have to take in London as many headers more. 3 “ Meanwhile, his place is filled—as is the,house—by Mu. Wenste who does a skilful bit of conjuring by pan} himself into a Wizar of the South, since it is from Paris that Magloire le Prestigiateur has recently arrived. Those who may remember Mu. Wexstex in Bel- phegor, need not be recommended to see him in Magloire, because, without such commendation, they are pretty sure todo so. I cannot say the latter piece is equal to the former, and it has the disadvantage of the want of utter novelty, although it clearly cannot be regarded as acopy. But, as French pieces go, it is very well worth seeing ; and it does not leave a nasty flavour in one’s mind, as, in spite of Mx, Wiean’s admirable acting, the Is/e of St. Tropez, I must acknowledge, does. Physicking and poisoning are not things to my taste, however relished they may be by the palates of Parisians. I prefer the healthier condiment of comedy and farce, for my appetite is not so jaded and used up as to require such stinging stimulants as gros sel and poisoned pepper. Dicaster would by some eyes scarce be looked upon as Easter with- out the column in the papers headed ‘Easter ENTERTAINMENTS.’ The critics who at such times have to be ubiquitous had comparatively quite an easy time of it this year, for at three only of the theatres were there new pieces to notice. I do not count that at the Hay- market there was the Miller and his Men (which 1 hope next week to make myself a boy again by witnessing) ; because, you see, one can’t exactly call this a new piece, albeit I thinkeplays which are full half a century old may be as welcome to the public as novelties much newer. It is remarkable that there was only one burlesque produced this Easter, I scarce need say, was at the Bandbox Theatre. This house, you are aware, is christened otherwise the Strand, and may more fitly s called ‘little? than the theatre in the Haymarket. Aladdin, you will find, is quite up to the Strand mark, and the make-up of his mother is alone well worth a visit. If Mr. Rogers be correct in his notions of costume, the ladies of our Court will find it hard to keep from giggling when the Embassy from China present their wives and pig here. “ As usual, the burlesque is brimful of bad puns, and of those queer twisted word-stringings which with some writers pass for jokes. Ah, me! one sighs in vain now for the neat wit of a PLancuf, and the really cultured taste and voice of a Miss Horzon, which once were blended in burlesques with such excellent effect. ‘Miss Horton, in her time, was the Queen of fairy songstresses, and in burlesque reigned Jacile princeps, as witness the Invisible and half-a-dozen other Princes. Was it from thinking of her, I wonder, that I thought of Mus. Rexzp, and went to see her once again in an Easter Entertainment? there was the rich voice, mellowed and matured, but not yet robbed by Time of its brilliancy or sweetness; and there was the same careful Yes, | at and artistic personation, attention paid to besa and skilful touch and finish. Better comedy than the Will scene has seldom won my smiles ; and I scarce know which I enjoyed more, het busting charity-huntress or lazy novel-reading servant. But I own I could have wished to hear her sing me one good solid song—a bit music, and not mere jingle-jangle. This she is the only ‘Entertainer’ who can do; and not a concert-singers, I think, can do it better. “T may pay another visit to the gallery ere ane and say the word of praise that the two gentlemen deserve; but th so ¢ @ man as _ are, Mr, Punch, the maxim place aux dames a imperative. For the present, I may meni at ing himself more and more af actor, playing are Aimy hte of @ Peary genius is re re: out in & new p 8 rp depen £ feng Ay | acon such gentlemanly beating and wor out. slight, and the scene in other $ have farce; but Mn. Panay kept it free pish 8 oe hy hh 229 oT ateriamul an a Pan ed familias will fat amily to hear it. In Mian, Ma, Panny stands, as he stood ever, unapproachably alone; and, snobbish as it may be to pun upon & hame— “ Notte biit himself can be his Parry-lel.” “The opera is not the drama, it is trie; but, as highes the t form of entertainment on the stage, I now end en be allowed to notice it. So well mounted a Za Prope it uit hae e 4 pro I a run; and to judge by how the house was filled I think the public take advantage of the treat that is To say the ER ed b dg saying that Mr. Costa is conductor; ane ough I still retain a memory of Manto aid Ganota, I have little to find fault with in TAMBERLIK and OziLLae, “One wo Pats.” them. Way of MODERN CIVILISATION, Ath= The Vicat of Bray.” His Holiness the Pors on Poms Has launch ae At Reform a Reform at home, His bate Siok, senna ena, ‘and feals out sondempation bnich? eals sy my On Modern For other mnt Pontiff sighs, And groans for other While he scolds, and reais, and shrieks, aad crice, And roars, and ra For the _— days of interdion And Excommunication, All which have been to limbo kicked By Modern Civilisation. *Tis likely Rome will grow too hot To hold the Holy Father : He ’|l have to seek some other spot To rule and govern, rather. Jerusalem some folks suggest ; And that’s a situation Where he would not be much distrest By Modern Civilisation. *T were better if to Jericho He went, with all his head men, Or his Cardinals and he mi ong the Indian Red Men; The Porg and Conclave would amaze The native population ; Let them fly to the far Ojibbeways, From Modern Civilisation. Prince Murat’s Pippin. Iw modestly proposing himself for King of Naples, Parnoz Murat may think he eas thrown the apple of rd amongst the Italian people. Let him not flatter himself . His apple is but a rotten apple t. Ail —— are not 0 apples that themselves so, ‘The missile has fallen short. The ball may be at the thrower’s foot, and he will most probably put his foot in it. —

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ii ted Villah WH ith ult Hy {| | il i =" Dum, ee —— | a PAPAL ALLOCUTION.—SNUFFING OUT MODERN CIVILISATION.

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=, en natin = ae ie ES - — atideaacels SSS —_——— 7 oF ade A en eee —<—— rs... Norge Soe SS ~ 4 “RETIRING.”—Vorvnreern Captain (very sensibly). “ Keep your dressing, by your right, as well as you can!” Burky Penny-a-Liner, “ Over that Hill /—Oh, I dessay !—I°ll trouble you /—Why can’t it take place here, Sir ?—that’s what I want to know. What do they care about the Public comfort ?—such a broiling hot day, too—it’s scandalous |” RECOLLECTIONS OF EASTER MONDAY AT BRIGHTON,

oe ,

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Aprit 13, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 155 Mr, R. That’s _ low, vulgar, coarse, gen cowardly, crawling way of looking at things. As for what I said in the House of Commons in favour of Austria, At stand by it; but only Basen a Oo as

you could misunderstand it, or think that I adv ashamed of representing such benighted rhinoceroses, Mob. Give up your seat ! Mr. R. 1 1} Se On eereeaens emmy pa then I won’t. Mob. Yah! Bah! Whi Mr. R.T hah} Baht. Go ar a laening Show how fit you are for | the suites. 3 how liberal you to the views of others. Any man who thinks I am wrong on this Pete Ls cumball view it were gross flattery to call a booby, Mob. GaxtBaupt for ever! Mr. R. 80 I say, you muffs, for he is & brave and great man, and equal to WasHINGTON, Mob. ‘Who’s Wasuineron ? | Mr. R., Yes, you know a deal about Magn eng and peckin ub, too, to look at you, I don’t think. But jus justice, and law is law, as I dare say a good many of you have had Boog reason 0 KNOW. Mob, We shouldn't have os < ee. Mr. R. I wouldn’t be I’ll serve Pgs for nothing, but I’d spit at your trem 3 ‘Row, Jou, understand, because 1’m not oing to s My dinner’ s ready at the otel, and I’m pe a nltiae for all the bellowing bulls of Dashed that net baw you comprehend that I am just the ben tals ae heat that in Reding fault with me you | mei oO yed your ignorance ? b. Yah P Bah! Whoo i B. Anyhow, if you don’ 8 s your own fault. If you po ‘* He must go, too, with the other Boys. Bless his Old Heart!” ey sams te fos wamea’ yo poe’ a? Answer me tha eg Png ~ right impertinence to call a man your taeaaber and then bring him all this way to reply to ba ar pray questions and more ridiculous howls, POT AND KETTLE. I’ ~ - precious good mind to fling you all over. 06. Give up your seat! Being a Sheffield lesson as to the way a Constituency should treat its Mr. B. Shan’t, for your telling.

. ee vy Pat your name? Member, and a Member should treat his Constituents, B. Toak ne Lal you, yon ial, Whshie md nama ene DRAMATIS PERSON "em a oni ; ask me again, I'll tell you the same. There’s some Away ips Py as — can ’+ understand reason. MR. ROEBUCK. A MOB, oat one dnd oie CN Enter to the Mob, Mx. Rozsvox. ' e rg ge oct wpe Off! Austrian! Humbug! Tyrant. SS ab oo | Heh Baht Yah. Whoo! Ott Shane! ae cash a Gee My 00 ! ame a 106 mn Mr. R. You are a set of illogical jackasses, and I shall stand here IP ah agg ba wl 89 yea, say ie ‘ Per tit! 4

' until ligt mere done that howli my. gentleman was charged with ‘the offence of having whistled in the ! Yah! Whoo! Pot Square! public streets, and was fined twenty shillings for pce of the poe 5 2, Shao ot Soe peace. In passing sentence the worthy Magistrate ked :— cares ? “ Tt could not be tolerated that the inhabitants of a et thbourhood should a tat j in vielen enh Sb, \ aa pie we ome ed = late A. Beg is by persons who had a making a particu- Mr.R. No dirty wretches like you. peptic Mob. Who sold himself to Austria? We hope this nae me me will be acted on next Christmas time, Mr. R. Not you, for nobody would buy you. and in full force carried against those nuisances the Waits, who Mob. Who’s a rat, a rat, arat,arat? Bah! ay “make night hudeous with | their bellowings and blarings, just Mr. R, T’m not a rat, you fools, I’m a terrier dog, and my name’s|as would-be-quiet people are falling into their first sleep. As persons Tear ’em. who are gifted with a most “peculiar gift of a particularly Mob. Who won’t tear anybody now, because he’s had a sop? disagreeable noise,” they clearly can no longer be “tolerated” among oe R. You tell a ere lie, and 1 il prove it to you, us, if Mu, Henry's dictum be impartially enforced. Spou clubs ob. Yah! Bah! are fond of arguing that, there is one law is the rich and ano’ for ie R. What s the ery of bellowing like beasts—no, I do the/ the poor; this would seem to be the case if gentlemen are fined | beasts wrong; they never bellow without cause. Listen to me, and | for an EM ae al ay gon hy Ww ain, po none hee flute-blowers may | comprehend if you can, squeal their worst, scot-free, there be equity in law, a penalty or | Mob, Pot Square. , prison must await the Waits; and the sentence lately ed at the Mr, R. Shan’t » to’ Pot ‘cemn police-oflice in Bow-street- must -be visited on all those musical Mob. Yah! ! Whoo marauders who infest the town in bands at the dead hours of the Mr, R. Now, 1 tell you ee it is, Iam determined to be heard, | night, and rob us of our comfort if they cannot of our cash, , and I shall stand here until you have bawled yourselves hoarse, and then I shall hammer some sense into your block-heads. I went to Seen eee se ae es

Be t Bah Whoo H . “nn Don’t Believe it was Ever Said. r -whoo, indee very one of you is a Ya-hoo. b. And you're’s Lilliputian ry ‘THBaTRIOAL @hecdotes are generally very stupid—so are most other

i 'R. That’s a better retort than I expected from such everlasting What Stes geek tor tasionan, of billing wage By ute ba bern r Anetra, and ourselves _ rito a ended ola me. I went to! i, » very great favourite with the gallery, was being comple certain! into a gilded saloon Mob,’ And some of the gilding got into your pooket. she foplied, with the aanlahle frankness of tho” on as Bre &. You must be utter idiots. Iam a poor man, and I hope P peate peaker, “* why, fa ite as you ou are not always to be & poor man, and certainly I came back no richer from ya ated th other 5 “No,” ae seed the lady, * but yeu kawens ‘Mob. More fool you, _.. Whom the Gods love, dye young.”

or.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprit 13, 1861. 4 ty j ff fi Vipty Ue ‘a My M U2 ANG CLL: Dy Af/ VJ W ) y } 7) Buffles, of Our Company, finds the Haversack makes all the difference in getting into a Cab. THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD—RATHER? We have heard that by certain ultra-fashionable people to write a good hand is thought a vulgar accomplishment, only fit for lawyers’ clerks and—aw—that sort of persons. Perhaps, if this be so, it may be thought no less ouéré to write intelligible English ; and bad grammar may be viewed as a sure sign of good breeding. Upon no other assumption can we account for the bad writing in the following adver- tisement, which was placed on Easter Tuesday before the elegant subscribers to the Morning Post :— IF a Nice Lady, of High Family, having a House too large for herself, and wishing for the occasional society of another, would LET a Pretty SITTING- ROOM and ONE BED-ROUM (or oy - toa Young Lady. A sunny aspect desired, and the room, if not large, must be lofty. Must be in the best neighbourhood, either of G Belg Squares, or Kensington. The rooms need only be half furnished. Best references given and required.—Address (strictly in accord- ance — the above) “* Arno,” Bost Office, Chapel Street, Belgrave Square (to be called for). _ Toscholara who are studying the art of composition, the first sentence in this extract is a valuable specimen of the figure which by schoolmen is termed aposiopesis, Aposiopesis is a terribly hard word, but ladies who have husbands, brothers, lovers, or other masculine attendants, may without much difficulty find out what it means. To those who are not blessed with any male companionship, we may say that what is known as aposiopesis is something like a skein of silk or worsted, where you cannot find an end, and sentences so formed are quite as troubling to unravel, : But passing by the fact that this first sentence, like the Nelson column, stands unfinished, there are many other puzzles which perplex us in the text, and which, we think, the writer ought clearly to explain, before she can expect a fair reply to her advertisement. In the first place, slie should mention what she means by “nice,” for this is an extremely doubtful sort of epithet, and may be misconstrued and received in a wrong sense. A lady with inked fingers, shaved fore- head, and male voice might by some people perhaps be deemed a “nice” acquaintance ; and the need of explanation is the more acutely felt, since the converse of the adjective is so completely inadmissible, for it is obvious that no lady could be spoken of as nasty. Then, again, Miss Advertiser, pray what is your meaning when you speak of a “high family ? ” How high do you wish the family to be? And do you use the term’in reference to the stature of the family, or in allusion to its altitude in what is called the “Social Scale?” Do you require that its male members should stand six feet in their stockings P os will . content you to know they are looked up to ina moral point of view But, supposing that the question as to altitude be settled, there next presents itself the even more perplexing interrogative—How on earth can a nice lady, having a house too large for herself, wish “for the occasional society of P” We have heard that walls have ears and in this spirit-rapping age they may possibly have tongues. Still we can’t think bricks mortar can be pleasant things to talk to, and we doubt if any medium could extract much information from them: | And as for any lady having ye f wish for the society of a house while | there are so many “bricks” of fellows she can talk to, the thought is | as ridiculous as the style of this advertisement: which must have been | inserted merely as a joke, and with the view, no doubt, to gain admission to our columns, | | | | A NEW MISERERE (For this year’s Easter service at the Porn’s Chapel). Tue tottering state of Peter’s chair, Its shaky legs, its cushions bare, : All stuffed with thorns for soft horsehair, Miserere ! And the old man that filleth it, Upon French bayonets forced to sit, (Galling predicament, admit), . Miserere ! The triple crown, now crushed and flat, As e’er the shockingest bad hat, Since Piedmont on it rudely sat, Miserere! The great Cross-Keys—that sign which showed The oldest house upon the road, Now desolation’s drear abode, Miserere ! St. Peter’s bark, before the blast, Upon a lee-shore driving fast, With leaky sides, and splintered mast, Miserere ! The Captain of that storm-beat craft, Helplessly running fore and aft, o chart—no compass—life-buoy,—raft— Miserere ! St. Peter’s Patrimony fair, Where once the Church had pickings rare, Now reft from apostolic care, Miserere ! St. Peter’s sheep--whose fat increase, ; Was ours, both mutton, wool, and grease— | Turned out for heretics to fleece, . Miserere ! Their shepherd, to the wolves a prey, (Some in sheep’s clothing, sad to say, And others who their fangs display) Miserere ! The cardinals, in fear intense, Mustered for their red hats’ defence, ° Cut down from Peter’s Pounds and Pence, tserere ! The friars, black, blue, brown, and grey, Who slept pure cloister-lives away, Now rudely driven to work, not pray, Miserere! Poor bats, broad daylight made to bear, _ Poor moles, dug out to upper air, Poor owls, from ruins forced to fare, iserere ! Oar ancient wind-bags, pricked by doubt— Our reverend shams, turned inside out— Our pious frauds, sin’s impious flout— Miserere ! Austrian hopes now down at zero— ° Grand-Dukes beloved by every Nero— Kine Bomsatino—youthful hero—- , Miserere ! And lastly Bowyer (noble chief ) Who dares to hold the Papal brief, *Gainst Joan But (curséd be his beef ), Miserere ! A Question for the Homceopathists. Lrxe cureth like, say Haunemann’s disciples. Well, granted this | be so, who will tell us, whether an attack of the jaundice may not be | cured by a small mouthful of pdté de foie gras, which everybody knows | is made of diseased liver ?

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Aprit 13, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

4 g ee ) = >= nF —> Mamma. “Dear! Dear! Drearn!—WuatT A PITY IT IS YOU CAN'T AGREE!” Small Boy. ‘‘WxEtt, MaMMA, WE SHOULD AGREE, ONLY SHE’S SO UNKIND !—SHE WON'T BE A PIG, AND LET ME DRIVE HER ABOUT BY THE LEG!” LOSS AND GAIN.' Our bodies, worn with constant toil, Repair of substance lost require ; They are as lamps, and food’s like oil, Demanded to maintain Life’s fire. Not only does this mortal frame To friction yield from day to day, But ah! our garments do.the same ; The clothes we purchase wear away ! With victuals we supply the waste Our systems y ergo. We eat and drink ; the sense of taste Requites the cost of doing so. Alas! from no pleasure flows Compared to what the palate feels ; And whilst expense attends new clothes, We don’t enjoy them like our meals. : - PorcetLus GRuMPHY. Epicurus’ Sty, April, 1861.

| Essaying and Reviewing. Tue most successful combination ‘of Essays and Re- views was produced on Easter Monday at Wimbledon and Brighton. The Essays of the Volunteers were thoroughly Reviewed, and the spirit they evinced was pronounced by the best judges as quite orthodox and proper. The volun- tary system was put fairly to the test, and from the credit that was given it, there was no dissenting. On the whole, it was pronounced that these Essays and Reviews were the best that have as yet been issued from the press—the press, that is to say, of the public who attended them.

CURIOUS AND CHARACTERISTIC, Tne ‘last words ever written by Lonp MAcAvLAY, as may be verified by reference to the Fifth Volume of his one of England, are :—“‘ canvassed actively on the Whig side !”

Morto ror THE Law AMENDMENT Socrety.—Volumus leges Anglia mutari.

THE POPE AT BAY. Tue Pore has drawn what he may call the Sword of Peter, and thrown away the scabbard. His Holiness stands at bay with his back to the Infallible Church and his face to the foe, which is Contempo- or Modern Civilisation. With this enemy he openly declares war, and proclaims his casus Jelli in uncompromising and unmistakeable terms. ‘“‘It”—modern civilisation—“ favours non-Catholic religions.” | Se — access to public offices, even to infidels.” It “ throws Catholic schools open to their children.” And further, 9s his Allo- cution stands translated in the Zad/et, thus saith the Porz :— “Finally, while it gives full liberty to all speeches and writings which attack the Church and all those who at heart are devoted to her, while it excites, nurses, and encourages licence, it shows itself full of prudence and moderation when it has to reprove the severity and violence displayed towards those who publish excellent works, while if these appear to transgress in the least the bounds of moderation, it punishes them with the last severity.” _ What a whopper!” as the schoolboys say—will be the exclama- tion of many on ma | the above statement, not considering how completely it is justified by notorious facts. Everybody knows how Lorp Patmerston’s Government, inspired by modern. civilisation, has prosecuted Dr. M‘Hate and Dr. Cutxen for publishing excellent works which did in the least possible degree transgress the bounds of moderation, and that those two ornaments of the Irish Roman Catholic pan ed have been heavily fined, and are now undergoing a sentence of imprisonment. Equally notorious is the fact that the Bisnor oF Oxuzans and his brother of Porrrers are in chains; their offence having simply consisted in rather too free a protest against the eee peer of the Imperial Government; whilst M. VEeurL1or, late Editor of the Univers, is dying at Cayenne, whither he was deported for the use of somewhat incautious language in defending e papacy. 4 The courage evinced by his Holiness in candidly complaining that modern civilisation favours non-Catholic religions, and opens access of public offices even to infidels, is really respectable. He boldly denounces modern civilisation as being opposed to bigotry and intole- |

rance, and as asserting civil and religious liberty. This is open and above-board anyhow. But why does Heaven’s Vicar object to modern civilisation for throwing Catholic schools open to the children of infidels? If the infidels choose to send their children to Catholic schools, one would think that the Porz should be very glad of the opportunity thus offered to Catholic teachers of making converts. Tnbdel schoolmasters probably would not object to receive as many children of Catholic parents as those parents might choose to confide to them for instruction. If the Holy Father only flourished his weapon as skilfully as he does manfully, he would do tremendous execution upon his adversary; but he hits right and left with blind vehemence, and not only misses his blows, but loses his balance, and throws himself head over heels. Popery cutting away at modern civilisation would furnish a fine subject for an allegorical picture to be executed for the adornment of a vacant space on the walls of the interior of the Vatican, by a suitable artist, whom Prvs could afford to remunerate handsomely out of the Peter’s pence, which are tossed into the triple hat now going round. Or the Pore might be depicted by the same artist cursing modern civilisation and blessing medizval civilisation; modern civilisation opening public offices to persons of all religious opinions ; medisval civilisation burning heretics alive.

A Foolish Remark. “ Tux fight was a Do, and all Brighton’s in frowns,” Said Lorp Jyze to his friend Carrarn Grinnum, ** When the battle commenced, folks were all om the Downs: ** And when it was over, all in em.”

A FAIR REMARK, A Mrpptz-acep young lady is so angry with the Government for asking her how aioe X that she declares she thinks the Census

would have been more rightly known as the Incense-us.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART, [Aprit 13, 1861, The Six-footers. Brighton. THE PRICE OF A PARTRIDGE. . We doubt whether the nation is sufficiently aware what its’ precious Game-Laws cost it: Perhaps it may be helped in making a rough guess by basing calculation on the following account, which we copy from the Zimes of Wednesday in last week :— “Tue PoACHER AND THE PartripcE.—A singular case, taken under a new Act of Parliament, was heard before the South Shropshire magistrates, at Bridgenorth, on Saturday. Frerperick Perry, a notorious her and a returned convict (who is at present undergoing a sentence of six months’ imprisonment in iurowebery gaol for a murderous assault on a gamekeeper at Kinlet Hall), was summoned for having on the 15th of January, at Claverly, killed a partridge, without having taken out a licence. The name of the defend- ant having been called three times at the court-house door, and he not answering, Mr. Barre, who appeared to prosecute on behalf of the Commissioners of Inland Revenue, said the case was taken under an Act passed during the last Session of Parliament, and he believed was the first of the kind that had come under its operation. The Act in question empowered the Excise to prosecute any person who used a gun or any other instrument for the purpose of taking game without taking out a licence, and the magistrates could inflict a penalty of £20, but it could be mitigated one-fourth. The present defendant had long been f scourge to the neighbourhood, and he (Mr. Barre) thought the magistrates should inflict the ful! penalty. There was no term of imprisonment mentioned, so that if the defendant could not pay the malty, he would remain in prison during the pleasure of the Excise Commissioners. The case having en proved, Mr. WEsToortT, supervisor of the Excise, deposed to delivering a copy of the information to the Governor of Shrewsbury Gaol, and to afterwards serving the prisoner personally with a copy of the sum- mons. The presiding magistrate inflicted the full penalty of £20 on the defendant, and said the Excise might keep him in gaol as long as they liked.” Partridges, we know, wére extremely dear last season, but we had no idea they would become such costly birds as the case here cited proves them, Twenty pounds is a large sum for the friends of a poor man to contrive to scrape together; and, as he may be kept in prison until the fine be paid, there is no saying for how long a time he may be maintained out of the pockets of his country. Even on gaol fare a man can hardly live for less than Forty pounds a-year; and as the Excise Commissioners may keep a man in gaol as long as ever they like, the pounds for keeping him may be increased to a good many times forty. In fact from this case it would seem that the value of a partridge may be put at such asum as would purchase an annuity of Forty pounds per annum, determinable by death, or by the payment of the penalty, or by the “pleasure” of the Excise to let the prisoner be released, Well, the moral of this is, as we are very fond of shooting, that we should try to kill next senna all the partridges we can; for every bird we leave alive may make a man for life a gaol-bird, Coming Home with the Band. A Question for Dr. Taylor. War is a man who has made his Will like a subtle poisoner P Because he’s a Test-hater (pronounced, cockney-wise, Zestator.) _, A Frenp iv Human Form suggests that, in these days of patent candles and much writing, it would be well if some authors, instead of consuming the midnight oil, were to burn the midnight composition. -|terous as to e ADVERTISED ABSURDITIES. Or all the curiosities of advertising literature, there are few more singular than those which may be met with in the Hra. When we. say that they are singular, we do not mean to use the word in the sense which it assumes as the antithesis to plural; for these curiosities abound in every number of the paper, and, if we wished to give a sample, the embarrassment of riches would puzzle us to know on which of them to pounce. Here, for instance, are a couple that (with other names affixed to them) the other day amused us, and it is really hard to say which of the two is the more curious :— THEATRE ROYAL, BEERTOWN. WANTED, immediately, a SCHNE PAINTER (one who can act preferred); a Property Man, and | to assist in bjll delivering. Both must be sober. ress, ——, stating lowest terms. RO¥AL ALHAMBRA, BLANKTOWN. ' W ANTED, A VIOLONCELLO PLAYER, to play a brass instrument, Bombardon preferred ; | or a good Trombone, to play in string and brass. Address as above, to Mr, GRanporasu, Leader. | _ The reflection which the former of these | singular advertisements appears to throw upon | the character of Property-Men Scene- | Painters we trust is not borne out by their ordi- | nary habits, ‘To yequire a sober character is a | temperate request, but we really should have fancied that cela va sans dire, as we scarcely | can imagine that any person living could desire | to have ‘ drunken one, | But still more are we perplexed by the purport | of the seeo ie curious advertisements. | To ask for a good violoncello player “to play | a brass instrument,” appears to us, we own, the | very acme of absurdity; and we should as soon have thought of hearing that a clergyman was | wanted to sing a comic song, or a one-legged Chelsea pensioner to dance a hornpipe or cachuca. The notion, too, that the performer is required to be a “good” one on the violoncello, when he is wanted for the bombardon or some other brass instrument, really seems to our mind a refinement of the folly. However perfect knowledge he might have of the one instrument, it would avail but little towards acquaintance with the other. One might play 4 merveille on the bones or on the bagpipes, without having any know- ledge of the trombone or the organ; and to require that a musician whom one wanted for the bombardon should be able to play well on the violoncello, appears to our mind as prepos- lect a Member of Parliament for having thrown a double summersault, or to choose for the position of musketry instructor an artist who was well up in the drawing of a cork, A “ CANARD.” (From the Boulogne Gazette.) ** Our pretty little town of Boulogne has been invaded by crowds of English visitors, The steamers on Saturday and Sunday last brought each their hundreds of passengers, and the hotels and boarding-houses were crammed to inconve- nienees, Dining-tables and sofas let at ten francs a night, and chairs were readily occupied at two franes each, the tenancy extending from 11 at night until 7 in the morning. ‘This friendly in- vasion would have been less remarkable (as Boulogne is the most delightful holiday place on the face of the globe) bad the visitors not been exclusively ladies whom even flattery could not call very young. : ** We stop the Press to explain the mystery. The Census was taken in England on Monday, the 8th of April, and Ten Thousand British females were mean enough to evade it,” (Not true—Ed, of P.}

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ee oO 2 RRO ON e+

Aprit 20, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

SOSA, \ iwnthl) | RA AN SY) tf) RY wt Be ay ‘(lnsalts I ‘l AS aN , —2., SS 4 <a Arthur. ‘*Mamua! Isn’t Mr. BLaANQuE A WICKED MAN ?” Mamma. “ WickrED, My DEAR! No! WHAT MAKES YOU ASK SUCH A QUESTION?” Arthur. “Wy, BECAUSE, MAMMA, DEAR, WHEN HE COMES INTO C | porsn’r SMELL HIS HAT as oTHER PEOPLE DO!” PERSONAL POEMS. 1. On sticking up a Guy in the Garden to frighten away the Birds, I NEvER gave a coat away, Or sold one with a view to thrift, I wear my things so long, they say, That none will have them at a gift. And should I, for a market, go d take my wardrobe to the Jews, All Israel would decline tlie clo’ Which e’en poor clergymen refuse. On Eating my Dinner, Happy the man with food content, That is, who needs no condiment But simple sauces, such as are Salt, pepper, mustard, vinegar. No indigestion doth molest Him daily, or disturb his rest ; He leads a life exempt from bile, And at the pangs of gout may smile. Him puffs and advertising bills Of Hottoway’s and other Pills Concern not; he no physic lacks And never can be duped by quacks. Give me my chop or steak—with beer— And ’taters, whilst I linger here, And I shall never sigh or care For turtle soup, and all that ’ere. ——_— The Frailty of Proverbs. WE are told that, “Where there’s a Will, there’s a Way;” but you only just try to throw a Will into Chan- cery, and if ever you find your Way out of it, we will pronounce you to be one of the cleverest fellows alive, HURCH, HE| such as BaRNuM would give any amount of money for, if only for the purpose of exhibiting you. Just try it!

MAWWORMS IN A MILK-WALK. Tue Russians use lemon in their tea instead of milk, and we think the Glasgow people had best learn to do the same, if they would take that drink on Sunday without maki 5 wry faces at it.—Anyhow, if what we lately heard be acted on, the luxury of milk will soon no longer be allowed them, unless they drink it stale and sour, in which case we think lemon would certainly be preferable. At a meeting of the dairymen, convened the other day in the Nelson Street Conventicle, the following motion was proposed and unanimously passed :— “That feeling convinced that it is the right and duty of all classes of the Com- munity to observe as far as possible, the Sabbath rest, and to participate in its blessings and advan: knowing besides that the present indiscriminate retail traffic in Milk on the Sabbath day, prevents themselves and their servants from enjoying the aforesaid privil , and leads to many more evils than the entire abolition of the traffic, this meeting of the Dairymen of Glasgow resolve to petition the Magistrates and Town Council of the City of Glasgow to insert in the New Police Bill a Clause prohibiting the sale of milk on the Sabbath.” This is all very right and proper, we feel sure, so far as the well- being of the cowholders is concerned. If they think that the bare act of selling milk upon the Sabbath will in any way imperil their spiritual welfare, of course one cannot blame them for retiring from the trade. Still, one cannot help inquiring—How about. the cows? and asking if they ’ll suffer much from not having been milked. To make their step complete, we really think these pious dairymen should not only shut up shop and stop their sale upon the Sabbath, but should take measures to arrest the manufacture of the article, which, in the present course of Nature, proceeds as well on Sundays as on any Other day. A meeting of the cows should be immediately convened, and an endeavour should be made to acquaint them with what passed at the meeting of the donkeys to which we have referred. Some calf of a cowkeeper may there perhaps explain that, with the view to carry out the/object of that meeting, the cows will not be fed after milking time on Saturday, so that their lacteal manufacture may stopped. How ithe cows may like this, we will not pretend to

say, nor how the Sabbath starving will be relished by the thousands | of small children in Glasgow, to whom milk may_be considered a necessity of life. Perhaps if the Society for Cruelty Prevention thinks the cows will suffer, it will interfere and take them from their keepers’ care on Sundays, and take upon itself the sins of feeding them and milking them and distributing their milk. , It is of little use, we fear, to preach common sense to bigots, or to reason with mere fools; but we think it will be obvious to ordinary | minds, that so long as cows and children have an appetite on Sundays, | so long it will be natural and right that they should eat; and that | while cowkeepers do but assist the laws of Nature, they need not fear they are infringing the laws of Nature’s God.

Tne Paris correspondent of a contemporary communicates the fol- lowing piece of American intelligence :— “By the way, a strange report is in circulation. It is said that some Roman Catholics of the South have proposed to offer the Southern States to Francis THE Seconp of Naples, with monarchical institutions.” This report is probably what French slang calls a duck, and English slang a sell and a sbave. Charity would like to believe it, because, if it were true, it would say something for the Christianity of the Southern States. Hitherto the Slaveowners have given no reply to the questions, Are you doing as you would be done by in keeping niggers like cattle, and governing them with the cowhide? How would you like to be slaves yourselves? ‘Che Southerners would satisfactorily answer these inquiries by choosing BomsBattno for their sovereign.

A DAINTY DOG, In Sheffield there is a King Charles Spaniel that won’t eat plum- pudding, unless there ’s brandy-sauce to it!

vol. XL,

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160 [Apri 20, 1861. Bi yh ‘ Z oe oa sam = rr SS | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Votuntrer Caprarn. ‘* Haven't scen you at Drill for the last month or two, | Mr. —” Recruit. ‘* Ah, well, M’Lord, I really think I must give you a turn one o’ these Jine evenings !” RULE SLAVEOWNIA. THE NATIONAL HYMN OF THE CONFEDERATED STATES, (Music Copyright in America.) Wuey first the South, to fury fanned, Arose and broke the Union’s chain, This was the Charter, the Charter of the land, Davis sang the strain: Rule Slaveownia, Slaveownia rules, and raves “ Christians ever, ever, ever have had slaves.” The Northerns, not so blest as thee, At Asy Luncouin’s foot may fall, While thow shalt flourish, shalt flourish fierce and free | The whip, that makes the Nigger bawl. Rule Slaveownia, Slaveownia “ Christians ever, ever, ever sho’ and raves have slaves.” Thou, dully savage, shalt despise | Each S argument, or joke: Each law that that Congress thought so wise, Serves but to light thy pipes for smoke. Rule Slaveownia, Slaveownia and raves ** Christians ever, ever, ever must slaves,” And Trade, that knows no God but gold, Shall to thy pirate repair : Blest land, where fii human flesh is sold, Rule SI Lr gy ae | ule Slaveownia, Slaveownia raves ** Christians ever, ever, ever shall have slaves.” | | A Coloured Vocalist. A Frmsr Ap pearance was made the other day at the second coneert of the Voeal Association by a | new tenor; one Signor Gamsocr. Gampoci is a name very likely to find great favour with the British Public. It is just that for Jonn Buti’s money; and we trust that Stcnor Gamspocr will obtain the satisfaction of ex- changing his notes for numerous yellowboys. Lucy Neal was a “ yallar gal,” and her pan hog be sung in cha- racter, as her lover, with great app , among CHRIsTY’s minstrels, by Signorn Gamsoet. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Apri 8. Monday. Easter Holidays over, and the next thing to look forward to is the Derby, in the betting on which a horse called Dundee, the property of the honourable boy for the Falkirk district, stood top this day. However, we must do some work before we have another Out, my boys, or we shan’t have much to show when we go home for the shooting. We must really buckle to. Only three clear months between us and August, think of that, and be cheerful—the time will soon be gone. Mr. Doncomse wanted Sre G. C. Lewis to give him the name and number of the policeman who got hold of the bank-note which was being engraved for Kossutu, and THomas implied that the officer in question ought to be discharged. Srr Grorce had no intention of giving up either the name or the man. Siz Ricuarp Bernert has of course read the writings of his eminent predecessor Lorp Bacon (whose character Mr. HepwortH Drxon has chivalrously sought to clear from the sentence that pronounced that bacon “ streaky”) and equally of course remembers his lordship’s term, The Vintage. Str Ricwarp came to his Vintage to-night. His toils were rewarded by his Bankruptcy Bill being read a Third Time and passed. Mr. Vance was the only speaker, and he declared that the Bill would give general satisfaction to the mercantile community, which, considering the ethics of that community, is the severest thing that has been said against the measure. Spero meliora, says Mr. Punch, with classical elegance. Then came on a longish debate in Committee on the Post Office Savings’ Bank Bill, which seems likely to be very useful. As for the ordinary Savings’ » it seems constructed to keep people from using it. Mr. Punch looked in at one the other day. 1t was open only twice a week, and then for a short time, and there was a not particularly civil beadle, or some such animal, and there was a crowd of depositors or people who wanted to withdraw deposits, and they had | non-traders, had his own thoughts that way) and would not hear of t while for their turns, and looked disagreeably at each | anything of the kind. other, and pushed, and the place was hot and uncomfortable, and | to wait a | altogether Mr. Punci thought that only regular, determined, and patient people were likely to make an habitual practice of attending with their savings. Now, if a person can Fen at any time, any day, into a | Money Order Office, and without fuss, delay, or official bullying, can | quietly drop the little bit of money as it were into a slit of the money- | box, the habit of saving will be fostered, and beng Aging will be | able to buy their Punch, instead of only reading him at the window. The Bill was read a Third Time. ‘ The Bill for appropriating part of the Coal and Wine Dues to the Embankment of the Thames was read a Second Time, but there was a fight against it. Mr. Punch agrees with those who consider the dues to be very unjust, but then life is a compromise, and if a stronger boy than yourself takes away your money, and you cannot get it back, the next best thing is to induce him to stand treat to you with your own coin. We shall not be able to wrench our money from the City, but, if we can get it laid out in improving the Thames, that is better than letting the gorbellied knaves and fat chuffs have the handling it. At the other injustice of making London pay the expense of making itself convenient, to please all the rest of the world, and elegant, to please all the rest of the kingdom, Mr. Punch has no words to express his indig- nation, but he thinks the more. Tuesday. Lond Ettensorover spoke sensibly upon the propriety of giving Prussia a caution not to meddle with Denmark, and he added that though in Hungary, Italy, and Poland, circumstances were arising that would lead to complicated movements, he saw no cause for war. And he added “‘ Woe to the Power that should provoke war.” Amen, saith J/r, Punch with a heartier plaudit than he often bestows on Elephants or anybody else. Lorp Dersy wanted to escape the bore of discussing the Bankruptcy Bill, and politely suggested that it had been so fully considered elsewhere that a select committee might look over it, and report; but Lonp Camppext thought that the Bill might be damaged in this process (and perhaps Lory Dersy, on behalf of Sm Henry Srracey spoke up for those excellent institutions called {

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Aprit 20, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 161 Sailors’ Homes, where Jack is taken care of, and protected from the | scoundrel crimps, who drug and plunder him on his return with money. | Sim Henry wanted Government encouragement for these Homes, but Political Economy forbids such an unenlightened proceeding. That | may be all very well, but if the Police Magistrates could be armed with power, when a bad crimping case is brought before them, to make the crimp “eat stick,” there would be no outrage upon political economy. At present nothing can be done unless downright theft can be proved, and before Jack is robbed, he is doctored, and can prove nothing. Sm Gzorce Bowyer then moved a foolish motion, as might be expected, for the purpose of = ge any Member from voting in Supply, unless he is in the House when the question is put, The present plan is to allow a couple of minutes, to ring in the Members. Sim G. Lewis hit the nail on the head when he met the proposition by saying that it would lower the House to the level of a jury. Members, it is to be hoped, make up their minds as to their votes, not from hearing their own humbugging speeches and those of their fellows, but upon private consideration of facts. Mr. Punch would have the profoundest contempt for an M.P. who should be swayed by any speech Mr. P. has heard for many a day. This view of the case being adopted, a Member may as well enjoy his glass of wine, or his cigar, as be listening to BowyER or any statesman of similar calibre. The foolish motion was withdrawn. Wednesday. “ Barnes, Epwarp (Leeds). Born at Leeds, 1800. Educated at the Dissenters’ Grammar School. Has been for forty years Proprietor of the Leeds Mercury (began rather early). Has been for twenty-one years President of the Yorkshire Union of Mechanics’ Institutes. Has written the Life of his father, and also on Woollen manufactures. A Liberal,” &c. &c. &c. But for all that, and all that, and twice as much as all that (which will be found in Caprarmn Dop), when Mr. Batnes declared his intention to alter the constitution of the country, and throw into the Borough Register all the £6 occupiers, the House of Commons was presumptuous enough to think for itself, and to eject Mr. Bamnzs’s Bill by 245 to 193. Thursday. Loxp Gace, who is a M.A. anda profound mathematici and therefore not open to the ridiculous folly that might tempt a ribal to call him Green Gage, presented various petitions in favour of marriage with your wife’s sister. He did not speak on those petitions, or might have-said that things which are equal to the same thing are equal to one another ; and therefore if Jemma living, and Marripa deceased (sisters), were equal to Jonw Smitu in position, Jemma, being equal to Matrtpa, ~~ marry JoHN SaitH, if he were equal to proposing for her. Q. HE. D. A Ship debate followed, and a good one, and the opinion of Sm JosepH Paxton, Srr Morton Pero, and other practical men was strongly expressed against the Wooden Ships. Lorp Joun Russe. | said that the arguments had so far penetrated the Wooden Heads of | the Admiralty that no more vessels of the kind would be built. Historically speaking, this night will be famous as the anniversary | | of the Abdication of Jamzs. Mn. Epwin of that ilk retired from the | | representation of Marylebone, for causes and considerations; that is to | say, that he may have more time to give consideration to his causes. A debate on the New Zealand troubles, and the “difficulty” be- | tween Wittiam Kine and Victoria Queen, began, and everybody showed that nobody exactly understands the case. Bref, Mr. Punch considers that the British have behaved uncommonly unfairly, and that it is for the interest of humanity that they should go on doing so. Friday, Loxp Carnarvon protested against the intended execution | of one of the Druse Chiefs, a party who had not been proved to have | joined in the massacres, who had been proved to have saved the | lives of some Christians. Loan Wopgnovse said that it was designed to deal rather mercifully with the Druses generally; but as to this | particular Chief, though the English Commissioner had thought he | ought to be spared, three or four of the other Commissioners had thought differently; and on the whole it seemed, from Lonp Wopz- HOUSE’S speech, that such a trifle was scarcely worth making a fuss about. During the sitting the victorious Kxers, home from China, | made his appearance, and was cheered by his Peers. ApmiraL Watcort made a demand touching the completion of the | Nelson Monument, and Mr. Cowrzr made the reply which has, | Mr. Punch thinks, been heard about twenty-seven times before, namely, that Sm Epwix Lanpsexr is making the Lions. When the Sculptor gets his models, he must act upon the Templars’ motto, Semper fertatur Leo, until they are done. Ha! ha! quoted in an instant. A tremendously long speech by Lorp Jonn Russi in answer to a Schleswig-Holstein question, the only point which was made quite clear being that “If the German soldiers came into close approxima- tion with the Danish troops, a collision might take place,” which seems rather a safe thing to say. Somebody in Ireland is so angry with his tenants for concealing a gang of murderers, that he has, after due warning and vain demand for the surrender of the criminals, evicted everybody, whereat Mr. Scuniz let off some indiguation. Some more New Zealand talk, and then Supply occupied the Comiions until the hour of nine o’clock, when they “ bust up.” The Marylebone election will have taken place before Mr. Punch again addresses the Universe. Ever so many Nobodies have offered themselves, and also a Somebody. Lorp Puncu has no intention of coercing his vassals, but if they wish to please him they will elect Ma. Winerove Cooke, who has written, from personal observation, the best book extant about China, and who is a scholar, an orator, and a gentleman. A Vermilion Edict. Respect this. A HERO AND A MARTYR. R, Puncu,—The Turin cor- respondent of the Times, in a report of the proceed- ings in the Chamber o Deputies, dated April 4, inserts the subjoined para- graph, recording a fact which, how much soever it may grieve some friends of liberty, will tend highly to comfort and encourage others :— “The galleries were crowded to-day in expectation of seeing GaARIBALDi, who was to take his seat in the House; but the ‘ General ‘is laid up with the gout, and did not leave his apartment.” The illustrious Ganrt- BALDI is known to be a man whose habits are most abstemious. His food, by all accounts, consists chiefly of bread and fruit, and his drink is water. Yet Ganrsapr has the gout. This, albeit all Bri- tons interested in Italian octet political freedom must be sorry to hear it, will be welcome intelligence toas many as are addicted to British freedom of living. They who regard the constitutional liberty of peoples, will receive it with sorrow, but it will rejoice the heart of everybody who desires to take liberties with his own personal consti- f abjure their potations, and addict themselves to port.” tution, Such an one .will chuckle over the announcement that the] ¥ temperate and self-denying hero, who sacrificed so much to Italian unity, has not only suffered in that cause, but is alsoa martyr to the gout. “Ha, ha!” he will exclaim; “here is an instructive case of Virtue Rewarded. The attention of the United Kingdom Alliance is demanded by a fact highly calculated to induce all thinking persons to | } ! i INTELLECTUAL DESTITUTION. (From our Islington Reporter.) Tue condition of this Suburb is hourly growing more alarming; the | feelings of the populace have broken out in a most heart-rending and | pity-moving manner. It is no uncommon thing to see a sturdy men- | dicant crouching on the pavement with the words “ No Foop” before ; him: and in like manner the (mentally) starving Islingtonians have chalked upon the walls in various directions their great want of mental | food in the suggestive words “No Puncn!” This, sad as it may | seem, is an indisputable fact; and we leave those Islingtonians who | have their wits about them to guess whether their newsvendors, or | their Trade Unions, should be thanked for it. | ' | } Things that Won’t Wash. In a recent Trade Report, under the head of Yarns, it is stated that | “Medium wefts have been sold at prices in favour of purchasers.” | Surely these wefts must have fetched very little to be sold at prices which were in the purchasers’ favour. Medium wefts, considered as spiritual yarns, are tissues of stuff which may be pronounced not worth | a rap. THE CONTRADICTIONS OF LOVE. Love is often very contradictory; for instance, Lovers’ Knots are frequently made all the tighter by one particular Not meaning a es.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Apri 20, 1861. 4 \Wa i 1 Dili \ = | L : _— THE CENSUS. Head of the Family (filling up the paper). ‘“‘ WELL, Miss PRimgos¥, AS A VistToR, I MUST PUT YOUR AGE IN! WHAT SHALL WE Say?” Miss P, “ Ou, 17’s BEST TO BE STRAIGHTFORWARD. THE SAME AS DEAR Fiona. Twenty Last Brrtapay!” WHO IS MR. POTTER? Worxkmew, who and what are | Does he kind attention They who peptone you out? Render you unpaid ? Who’s this . POTTER | Or on your dissension Pottering about ? | With your masters, trade ? Is he some hardworking, Gain from strife deriving Strife does he foment, Fattening and thriving On your discontent ? Is this Mr. Porter Trustworthy and true? Or is he a plotter Doing, diddling you, Bleeding you'by suction ?— Let him, if you like, : Urge you to destruction, Keeping up your Strike. Honest artisan, Or a labour-shirking, Lazy, talking man ? Does he earn his living ? Is he kept, instead ? And are.you men giving Him your children’s bread, Him their bread-and-butter, Both sides plastered thick, aking thus an utter. Humbug for a Brick ? A PLEA FOR THE P.R. “Mr, Puncn, “ALLow me to call your attention to the fact that, whilst at the Alhambra and other places acrobats are suffered to exhibit per- formances which are attended with danger, and result in severe and | f fatal accidents, pugilistic encounters are prohibited by the Legislature, and, if possible, suppressed by the Magistrates. “A prize-fight is an athletic contest attended with danger. An | acrobatic exhibition is a dangerous display of activity and strength. But in the former the danger is small, and due in almost every case to defective training and the Bo oe rey of incompetent seconds and injudicious bottleholders. In the latter the danger is essential, and constitutes the attractive element. mountebanks risk their necks, surely those spectacles are more highly | In so far as people go to see | | calculated to brutalise the beholders than the sight of that slightly | perilous physical competition professionally termed a Mill. I would, therefore, with your permission, express the earnest hope that, if the liberty of the Circus is to continue unrestrained, the samé licence will be conceded to the Ring. a ; : “Retired from the active duties, to the philosophic contemplation, of the arena, I can have no other interest in its claims than that of | sympathy, and come forward as their advocate simply on the ground of | their importance in relation to Muscular Christianity and Civilisation. **T have the honour to‘be, &c., “Tomas Sayers, Champion of the P. R.” **p.s. Them’s my Sentiments, Guv’nor, other wise Exprest, and | these here is my Own potthooks. nop NS | “ Exeter Hall, April, 1861.” STULTISSIMI., REcENTLY a person named Maven lost a cause because his wife chose | to game are in court that she did not believe ina future state of rewards and punishments. So a host of “‘sympathisers” have subscribed to realise a present state of rewards for the dis-believing lady by giving | her a pianoforte and a soirée. The whole proceeding must have been ‘exquisitely amusing, and Mr. Punch regrets that he has not been | favoured with a report of the speeches. But whya pianoforte? Music | was the last thing that should have been offered to a lady of such | opinions, for while on the one hand we know, on the authority of | SHAKSPEARE, Or his improvers, that ‘‘ Angels ever bright and fair,” indulge in music, we also know on that of the late Mr. Burns that another spirituality came fiddling through a town in order to ea up an exciseman. The appropriateness of the gift is on a par therefore with the good taste that suggested it. However, if the unbelieving lady is in the entertainment line, she can now * Rave, Recite, and * Maden’ round the land.” «LI MONM I dI LON ‘ALVDWIAC, CALSAUALNISI CT 4 > Z te] 8 Oo Q o =] eo) = ie) =) a o ie) « ic3! w éUMk DUV ‘NI WAIN OL .NIOD

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“ALVODZITG, CALSAUALNISICG, i We ily! 4 > 2 a ie o) o + CoC —! 3 0 7, ° >=) x -) 2) = ic} d HSILTd “HAV'IS AL / 5 7 > ob at PB SHY Te | Fé LL yy, Z Zi LULL et go EY tiff, Uy LIS Z fh jh i! WOOF Y Vy hy ALLA ii /f “Wa! Wy /, Yj ‘1981 ‘0G M44yV¥—"JUVAINVHO NOGNOT GHL YO ‘HONDd SSS SSSA SS éUHdk AUV ‘NI WAIN OL .NIOD SSSS OOSSS SESSA SS «\LI MONM I JI LON

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j | | | Still surging on by Thames’ black side ? | What may it be, the heavy | That moans the lofty Clock Tow’r round ? Apart 20, 1861) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE LAY OF THE LAST STATUE. : Mrpwicut had struck from the new Clock he ower, a. And Wizarp Ponca had gone to his Bower— | And His Bower that was guarded ’gainst snob and swell— Truncheon and Joby shield it well! No living wight, save Punch alone, Had dared to cross the threshold stone! Of noble race the Wizard came : His lineage numbered sires of fame On either side the sea. , He had learned the art that crowned his name | In Atella—of ancient Italié. And such his power, that men avow He entered every where, And to plain utterance could bow The voices of the air. And now he sits in his secret Bower, In the shade of Westminster’s tall Clock ‘ower, And listens to a heavy sound That moans the gilded vanes around. Is it the roar of London’s tide, | Is it the wind within the clock ? Is it Big Ben begins to rock ? At the sullen moanin The cats shriek and mi-oul, And from Westminster slums around The dogs begin to howl. sound shiv’ring steeds in cabs of night hink that a storm is near, to windward the watermen take a sight; | When But the night is still and clear, | From the sound of London’s tide, | Surging aye by Thames’ black side, | From the wind inside the clock, From Big Ben’s dull-booming shock, From the voice of the coming storm, Werep Puncn that sound read clear— |*T was the statue of Havetock that spoke, - And he called on the statue of Narrer. HAVELOCK STATUE. | “ Sleepest thou, brother? ” NAPIER STATUE. | All around the moonbeams play, | And set our ghastly gathering forth, | From Jenner unto George the Fourth— | Hideous forms, the square defacing, Which of squares should stateliest show, | All extremities embracing | To which ugliness can go. | Up, and mark the sculptor’s feat, sound | Up, and own the mull complete !” Tell me, thou, that pilloried high, even than I, these offences end ? When our monuments amend ? When shall sculptors cease to fail ? When shall Butt a statue hail ?” / NAPIER STATUE. ‘* Whitehall’s slow Board of Works doth hold Its wonted calm and cold. — A Soorr i sabe al Premiers whi, or Brompton’ et waxe 4 Where looms, *neath Fowxe’s malignant star, A bigger, uglier, Boilers far! Ill do L. the signs I see, 1 bad taste in power, In this sad square and yon tall tower, — Brother, nay ; Till Brompton ’s quelled, and Art is free!” } HAVELOCK STATUE.’ | * Tears of an ill-treated maiden Mingle with our fountains’ stream : | Poor Britannia, statue-laden, Mourns beneath my coppery gleam. ; | will think fi OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. * Dear Puncn, : “ As a man of sense and taste, and one who loves to see good acting, you of course have been delighted with Mz. Fscuter’s Hamlet, Pray, how many years is it since you were so well satisfied with the laying of that part, and so disposed to clap your hands, and oF out ravo! to the actor? Without descending to superlatives, will you not agree that you have never seen a more original cance eine and scarce ever one more carefully‘ and perfectly worked out? Makin due allowance for his foreign intonation (a defect which it is not within his power to obliterate, but which becomes less noticed as the tragedy proceeds) you must allow that Mr. Fecnurer has achieved a great success, though you may not quite admit that the performance is “unparalleled,” or allow that it is “universally acknowledged” as the “greatest triumph” possible in the dramatic art. Such phrases may be well enough to puff a mere pretender, but are unworthily employed in the case of Mn. Frourer, and I trust that Mz, Manacer + to withdraw them from his play-bill and advertisements. For all that croakers say about the stage not being patronised, depend on it, fine acting will find plenty of admirers, without blowing a trumpet to attract them to the house. “ This is a free country, I am thoroughly aware and is blessed with free stage as well as a free press. But knowing a by report only some- | what uf the jealousies of Green Rooms, and of the national antipathies | that swell the British breast, I have not the slightest doubt but that some minds there is something most alarmingly audacious in the notion of a Frenchman undertaking to play SHaxKsPEaRre, and that too not in Paris but before a British audience. I think I hear old Clap- | trapp denouncing such impertinence, and declaiming against foreigners | for bringing their French polish upon our British boards. Zounds! | these foreigners to lay their impious Sir, the Swan of Avon is not a bird of passage, and what business have ands on our Immortal Bard? | old Mouther too is equally indignant at the impudence of one who | dares disturb the old traditions of our stage, and to read the part | afresh by the light of his own intellect, without looking for enlighten- | ment to — Hamlet in light hair ! the actors whose bright genius has thrown lustre on the past. horrible! most horrible! As well play ‘ulius Cesar without a Roman nose, or try to represent O¢hedlo without | blacking your face! Don’t talk to me, Sir, of your German physio- | meditative character, such | tended to present. Did | } gnomists, and of light hair being suited to a dreamy and irresolute as you say the text of SHAKsPEARE is in- you ever hear of Garrick playing Hamlet in light hair, and don’t you think 4e knew what was proper for the part ? And would the wig, if they had deemed it otherwise than sooted to the text ? Now, much as I desire the well-being of our actors, I am not dis- ut 8 | there 5 any hidden, weet don’t say I play SHaksPEaRs, or doubt but that an Kemetes and the Keans have stuck to their black | f posed to join in crying for Protection to British stage traditions, or in denouncing, as impertinence, the effort of a Frenchman to read SuaksPEARE for himself, without having his mind fettered by conven- tional suggestions, and stagy stale advice. Free trade, say I, in intel. lect as well as corn and cotton; and when old Mouther cries, ‘What impudence !” I feel far more inclined to 7 out, ‘ What a compliment that a foreigner should take such pains to learn the English " and bestow so much love-labour on a most exacting part!’ Our Stage is not so good but that it might be better; and competition may, per- haps, our actors on their mettle, and bring out latent talent—if prefer to see a foreigner t shman possessed of equal talent would more please me in his part. A foreign tongue, of course, can’t give right utterance to our language, and can therefore never do full justice to the text. For all his and painstaking, and months of careful study, Mz. Fecurer’s intonation still grates upon one’s ear, and sadly mars the pleasure one, in spite of it, receives. Such a % for instance, as ‘ Though Hell itself should garp,’ can but fall offen- sively on any English ear; nor do we express pathos > drawling out our vowels, and saying, ‘ gr-r-a-ace’ and ‘spe-e-e-ak’ instead of * grace’ and ‘ speak.’ These defects I noticed most in the declamatory passages, and where intensity or violence of feeling is expressed. But they are scarcely perceived at all in the more colloquial utterance, wherein (as I think, rightly) the conversations with PoLonrus and the players are kept up. Nor, even at their worst, are they more unlike clear, plain, intelligible English, than the gasps and grunts and gurgles which, with many an English actor, are supposed to give good utterance to the words that SHaksPEaReE wrote. “ As we don’t get a new Hamlet once in a score of years, or, at any min ae one who is worth a second looking at, I may perhaps revisit the Princess’s ere my next, and — a little more in detail of the merits that I mark. Meanwhile, I would advise all those who like i ing, untrammeled by tradition, to enjoy the present chance. would advise them, too, when there, to keep their eyes upon their opera-glass, rather than their book; for, rightly to appreciate the points of his performance, Mz. Fecurer must be looked at all the while that he is listened to. Let them observe the facial play that gives such meaning to each word, and note the graceful ease of every attitude and gesture. Not since the elder Kean has there been seen upon our stage a Hamlet with an eye; and if Mz. FzcurTer lacks the alma of genius, his eye is ever shining with an intellectual ight. “TI must add one word more, and that is to advise people who patronise the stalls, to take their places in a party, and not each book himself. For the privilege of paying a week or so beforehand, a i for all numbers up to six. This premium, which think, should be a discount, amounts to nearly twenty oe shilling is commercially, I Oe oS eee

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166 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aram 20, 1861. per cent. upon oo of one pit-stall; and then another sixpence, or ten per cent. additional, is extorted by the stall-keeper who shows oy to your seat. How long the British Manager will, in defiance of is interests, support this brigand system, one needs to know his mental progress for the last few hundred years to enable one to guess. All men of sense, I fancy, must opine he would do wisely to decree its abolition: and to this end, Mr. Punch, I hope you will support your correspondent, “Onz wHo Pays.” ecHTER ts - IHAMLEY : 4 ot jij>ee Tragedian (eminent, of cowrse). ‘¢Feonter! Pan! Hamer’ with Licut Harm and no Pornts. Pan! Tue Drama’s Gone!” WHERE ARE THE ENGINES? One of Reuter’s telegrams on Thursday last announced that the great theatre of Barcelona was on fire, and that the flames were spread- ing to the neighbouring houses. Only the great theatre of Barcelona! Who can say how soon we may hear, by the same channel, that the great theatre of Europe is on fire, and that the flames are spreading on all sides? The only question is, where the blaze is likeliest to break out—in Italy, Hungary, Holstein, Turkey, Syria, or Poland. The sovereigns are getting ready their Engines. Worse lack, for they are only engines—of destruction ! EXTRACT FROM A PRIVATE LETTER ADDRESSED BY A CELEBRATED {DRAMATIC CRITIC TO A CELEBRATED ENGLISH DRAMATIC AUTHOR. In Paris Salons it is stated ScriBeE did not die—but was ¢ranslated. TO PERSONS ABOUT TO SEFARATE FOR THEIR LIVES, Wary is Sir CresswetL CressweEtt like a railway accident ? [ANTICIPATED ADVERTISEMENT. | THE ALLSHAMBLES MUSIC HALL. EXTRAORDINARY EXCITEMENT ! TWO BROKEN LEGS A-NIGHT!! AND THE CHANCE OF A BROKEN NECK!!! those Wonder- Working Artists, THE SUSPENDED SPIDERS! who have astonished All Creation with their astounding feats. These Arachneal Acrobuts are descended from the Fairy: race of Flying ago upon the shores of the DEAD SEA. Among the daring acts exhibited by these Aérial Artists, is that which they have called the SUPER-SUPPERTABLE SUMMERSAULT ! which, at great risk of life and limb, is flung over the heads of the visitors assembled, who are thus made to participate in the accidents arising from the Terrible Trapeze! As an additional attraction, and in order to enhance the excitement that is caused by witnessing the dangers of Suspended Animation, the BREAK-NECK BROTHERS = go through their perilous performances, assisted by their relatives 1€ CAOUTCHOUCIC COUSINS! Whose deeds of daring have occasioned such a wonderful sensation in the acrobatic world. Among their number is the celebrated Convolvulus Contortionist! who will perform his ¢ours de force, and terrific twisting tricks. This superhuman artist is so agile in his movements that none but the most practised eye can see what he is doing, and his legs and arms change places with such marvellous rapidity that he appears almost to TURN HIMSELF CLEAN INSIDE OUT!! The Jumpers or Japan are soon expected to arrive, and will most likely be accompanied by the BAND OF BEDOUIN BOUNDERS! who have lately been performing at the Court of SquasnreunGo, the honoured, on their leaving him, with a State Dinner of raw meat. Besides these marvels, Mz. Mytu, with utter recklessness of cost, has engaged that far-famed Seventh Wonder of the World, who is known in his profession as The Pocket Hercules !! from his almost dwarfish stature and yet stupendous strength. Among his other bone-thrilling and marrow-moving feats, this gcoet Artist will display his giant-like abilities by throwing to the cei ga Thou- sand-Pound Weight Cannon-Ball, and entoning it between teeth. He will likewise lift up a Lifeguardsman with his little finger, and will nightly close his miraculous performances by throwing a double suc:- ronan — his legs in heavy fetters, and firing off an Armstrong gun upon his back! Mr. Mytx, in thus announcing his programme for the season, trusts his efforts will be relished by appreciative patrons, as a proof of his ambition to refine the public taste. By introducing in a Song Saloon the acrobatic element, and interspersing Nigger Melodies with the chances of Broken Necks, Mz. MyrTH hopes to achieve the Sree ment of Everyone. In this Mission to the Masses he is aided by the wisdom of a truly HUMANE LEGISLATURE!!! Who let Song Saloons be open on occasions ot as Passion Week) when theatres are closed, and to whom he therefore begs, in all humility Because he very often snaps the coupling chains, and separates the sleepers. and gratitude, to TESTIFY HIS THANKS. Mr. Mytx informs his Patrons, the Enlightened British Public, | that he has recently succeeded in concluding an Engagement with Islanders, whom Rear-ADMIRAL Peter WILKINS “discovered years | Monarch of Mesopamia, and whom the Kine or rH CanniBal Istanps |

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Apri 20, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

TT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO LEARN WHO OUR GREAT MEN ARE! °— omeTiME lately, at a mocting at Mr. Wrip imparted the following secret to his constituents, who must have been rather taken by sur- prise with it :-— “During the Session of that _ -~ going om in the Peninsula of Italy, and a man whom he was proud to call his e his country, and to confer freedom wy some 20 millions of 3; he (Mr. Wri) humbly assisted him during the

he render him at a later period of the year.” Taking Mr. Wrip - as a favourable speci- a ) = men, we should say = A = thatGarrpatpr would oF iY baby / be better pleased to \\ —— ee ] = meet many of his Pg EY avowed enemies than Yak of his so-called , > ae == friends. Might we TAN = venture to inquire ak Vif what was the nature i Nj y =—«» Of the assistance that fh / —— 5 = \=—" was humbly given by 4 5 — AV. Mrz. Wri to “friend?” We hope | it, was not in presenting him with a map of Italy, or in drawing out for him the plan of | his future campaign, or in favouring the Italian liberator with his particular views on —— politics. e shall always think of Mz. Wrip as “Tae M.P. ron BopMiw aND THE FRIEND OF | Garrpatpr.” Now if our modern Atlas, who supports on his back the Great Globe, | including Bodmin, and not forgetting Italy, is really anxious to prove himself the “ friend ’ | he represents himself to be, the wisest thing he can do is never to associate his name with | that of Garrpatpr; for it is no mark of friendship to attempt to bring your friend into | disrespect, even though that friend may be as strong as the Washington of Italy to stand | any amount of ridicule. We regret that Mr. Wytp never thought, the moment he had | returned from his Italian campaign, of having a large engraving drawn of himself giving | instructions to GaRIBALDI in geography, pointing out to him the several paths of glory, | with an oustretched mappemonde ale as Leicester Square before them. The absence of the above has been a national loss—a double national loss, we may say, for Italy must ee | over it not less than England—and, by way of humble reparation, will Mr. Wrxp kindly | promise us, the next time an Italian debate is brought forward, to address the House ina | red shirt ?—and if he would only interlard his speech with a few Italian phrases, such as | corpo di Baccho, or Pescator dell’onda, and the like, we think the success would be certain. be — this request in the name of his “friend,” whom he is bound to assist in every way chat he can, In the meantime, we wish Mr. Wr1p, instead of running down into Italy, and bothering GaRrBaLpI, would attend a little more to Leicester Square, and make some small endeavour to keep the filthy place clean and tolerably respectable, for in the present state it would bea disgrace to the dirtiest metropolis in'Kurope. It is nothing better than a Great World of dirt rubbish. Why don’t the ungrateful inhabitants present him with a broom ?

“CRY HAVOC, AND LET LOOSE THE DOGS OF WAR!” Tuy are straining in the slips— Repeated all around ? You may feel their sulph’rous breath, | Has Kast as well as West, As it steams-from throats and lips Has North as well as South, That parch and pant for Death. Its own erected crest, You may hear their muffled bay, Hoarse throat and fangéd mouth ? As against the leash they hang, I see them, near and far, And churn and toss away, Those threatening dogs of War P The foam about the fang. They need no voice to tarre* Where Po runs, brimming over Them on, these Dogs of War ! His green and grassy mound, : z ‘ Fierce bursting from his cover, Again—again—again—! See Italy’s young hound— . Is it a single sound, i ( : Spite of tethers that impede, By Echo’s doubling strain, And hands that would restrain, * Tarre: to set on dogs.—SHARSPEARE, He has proved his fighting breed, And would prove his breed again, And who has strength to bar Italy’s Dogs of War? In front, pent, fierce and foul, Behind their walls of stone, The Austrian ban-dogs growl, Late baffled of their bone. Licking their yet green wounds, Nursing old grudges warm, The gaunt and grisly hounds, Hot for the quarry, swarm— And hungry dogs they are Those Austrian Dogs of Nor a *Mong Europe’s Dogs of War. Neath Savoy’s snowy Alp, On ge beter banks of Rhone, Hark! the French dogs they yelp! Well E knows the tone ! So there’s battle at its end, hat odds the road they go ? With a ribbon and a star You lead French Dogs of War. And see the Sick Man lyin Almost in mortal swound ; The bed where he is dying With his own pack girt round— The Pariah dogs of Bosnia, The Rouman wolf-dogs grim, Mouth their master ere he’s dead, And claim, each hound, his limb. Carrion to rend and mar Befits such Dogs of War. And the Danish dogs are baring Their tushes sharp though small, While the German mastifi’s swearing To eat them, bones and all : P’en the ill-used Polish turnspit That so long the buffets bore Of the giant sian bear-hound, Has shown its teeth once more— As if Sirius his. star Had fired all Dogs of War! Ringed in with gathering growls, Fierce fangs on every hand, *Mid defiant snarls and scowls, See Britain’s bull-dog stand. Not couchant, as the wont Is of the placid brute ; But legs set firm in front, With muzzle clenched and mute. Ware all—who tempt too far That peaceful Dog of War!

Pretty Pigs. Tue Pops, in his petticoats and white satin shoes, may be looked upon as somewhat of a female. There is another point of resemblance between his Holiness and the ladies. Both, on certain room are alike deaf to reason. The obstinacy of the Pontiff relates to Faith, the pig- headedness of the fair sex regards Fashion, He will not concede secular Government nor sur- render young Mortara; they refuse to give up Crinoline. To the demand of justice, common sense, and expediency, the Porx replies Non possumus ; and when implored to relinquish a dangerous, inconvenient, and ridiculous mode of

! dress, so say the ladies,

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_PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 4 [Arrim 20, 1861. | A HOPEFUL CHARACTER. For a parent whose paternal “ SEVERE.” Dainty Otp Gent. ‘' Have J liked my Dinner?—No, I’ve not! So dont give what I’ve left to the Cat, Sir ; because as she’s sure to become pic, I should like her to die a natural death, and not be poisoned.” heart has been so ‘severely and | repeatedly lacerated as that of Pro | Nono, by his own account, the | Holy Father bears up wonderfully. | ‘The foreign correspondent of a con- | temporary, quoting some remarks | lately made by his Holiness, | says :— | ieee re ——— 7 “In the first place I learn that the ! Pope says he can reckon on the protective | office of the French army for at least six } months more, and ‘who knows,’ ex- | claimed his Holiness, ‘what may occur in six months?’” The Successor of St. Peter may | or may not succeed, or endeavour | to succeed, in following St. Peter’s | example, but he is evidently a very good imitator, whether conscious or unconscious, of another and a more modern character, who has acquired universal celebrity from a habit which he had of continually expressing, under the most adverse circumstances, the hope that some- thing would turn up. The Poprz in the words above quoted exhibits the sanguine temperament, and mig adopts the phraseology, of r. tcawber, ." MOST MUSICAL, MOST MELANCHOLY!” A Distreutissep Ethiopian being asked, how he oe ions the music of the Amber Witch, replied, “QO Golly, Massa Smrru, dat Amber Witch am ber-witching !” THE RIGHT AND LEFT OF A RULE. Ar the inauguration of the Pelly Memorial School, at West Ham, Essex, the other day, Eant Granvitzz, who presided on the occasion, | is reported, in apologising for an extemporaneous speech, to have said :— “ However, one of the disadvantages which accrues to me from having hardly expected that I could attend—for I thought there would be a meeting of my | colleagues to-day—is this, that I acted on a maxim on which I hope none of my young friends around me will ever act, of not doing to-day that which I thought could be.done to-morrow.” Lorp GRANVILLE does himself injustice in decrying the maxim on which he acted. It is avery good maxim; just as good as the con- trary, which is inculeated in the copy-books :—“ Never defer till to- | morrow that which -you can do to-day.” There is wisdom in this | precept; but equally wise is the reverse of it, which Hart GRANVILLE | acted on, “ Never do that to-day which you can defer till to-morrow.” | Wisdom is a Janus with two faces, which correspond to the two sides | presence of an immense crowd, who arrived from various parts of the department | of the Var to witness the sight.” | in the greatest activity ! | above prognostications, if we were our friend WiscounT VILLIAMs, | we should feel strongly tempted to pronounce the above Department , of the Var to be the real War Department of France. HELPING AN OLD FRIEND. WE fread in the Paris correspondence of the Zimes that— “The steel-plated frigate Invincible was launched at Toulon on Thursday last in New frigates, fresh launches every day, troops collected in thousands at the ports ready to sail at a moment’s notice, and the dockyards kept Of course it all means Peace—but from the How will you Have it? Ix a recent bankruptcy case Mr. Commissioner Fane enunciated of every question. Promptitude is wise, but deliberation is equally | the startling doctrine that _“‘ Bankers ought to ask questions in plain wise; procrastination is foolish, but precipitation is equally foolish. English.” What bosh! Does this judicial euphuist imagine that the Proverbial philosophy, unless when propounded by a Tupper, is banking world is going to submit to any such tyranny? Perhaps he sometimes too Laconic; as in the case of the copy-book canon above | thinks that when one presents a cheque, a banker’s clerk is to say— cited; which requires a little enlargement to be made absolute. To | “ In what notes or coins, Sir, do you wish to receive the amount here admonish dilatory youth with perfect accuracy, we should say, ‘‘ Never | specified.” Does he suppose that such an effeminate form of words is defer that till to-morrow which you had better do to-day,” and, to | to supersede the accustomed “Owlyavit?” Nothing of that sort, school our rash young friends, “‘ Never do that to-day which you will Mr. ComMIssIoNnER, just as well be able to do to-morrow.” wise saw is double-edged, | and some people are not to be trusted to handle it, because they are | apt to scratch themselves with one edge or the other. CEST LA MEME CHOSE. | Amone the various columns in the Census returns, filled up on the | 7th instant, was one requiring each person to specify whether he was | married ” or “unmarried,” and another in which all “blind” persons ADVICE TO FUNDHOLDERS. _were enumerated. The latter column appeared somewhat superfluous, Tue Income-Tax has expired. Run and get your April dividends | for to get at the number of the blind, it was surely only necessary to before it revives. add up the lists of the married ?—so at least says a Correspondent, signing himself “A Winr-awakt BacHeEtor.” Hien Treason.—Asking Kine Tawatres to “ stand a drain.” How ro Ensoy tue “ Rus in Unpe.”—Go and see the Hamle¢_ in “Sones Wirnout Worps.”—The songs the Tea-kettle sings. Oxford Street. William Brad , of No. 13, 0 Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of fo. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park, both io the PePeintemy a tee Ot Lombard Btrest, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in £ ish of St. Pancras, the City’ of Loudon, and Publisheu by them at No. %, Saruppay, April 20, 1841. of “Street. in the Parish

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Aprit 27, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 169 tj Y Uf —_ + ' WY IT) Ga YU ALLL LAL. Up ppg i! Vs, fA DY fy ae meee ets: My COLLARS.” THE PAPER |COLLAR.—USEFUL AND ORNAMENTAL. Clara (reads). ‘*Excust, DEAREST, THE PAPER UPON WHICH I wriTE—I HAVE Not My DESK WITH ME, SO I SEND YOU THESE FEW HURRIED LINES ON ONE OF APPENDIX TO THE AMERICAN ANTHEM. Tone—Obvious. We’ vz got into a pretty fix, My countrymen, by Jingo! Through our confounded politics ; Spain’s down on S$. Domingo! She takes this turn in our affairs, This crisis grave and weighty, To gain her ends, and unawares Goes in to win all Hayti! Oh, what a change comes o’er our dream ! Our once united nation The other day proposed the scheme f Cuba’s annexation ; And now you have the hand of Spain Stretched forth to take possession, Were that isle ours, could we restrain The Spaniards from aggression ? Come let us discord slick forego, And difficulties banish, Or else we shall be, no ways slow, Chawed up by them there Spanisb. The Muwno doctrine, dirt and all, We shall be forced to swallow, And if we do to pieces fall,: The Dons will lick us hollow. Would North and South conjoin again By pressing facts invited, The now dissevered States would then, * Becoming reunited ; A mighty people recompose, Once more to flog creation, Instead of stooping to her foes, And suffering flagellation. “Over, Fork Over.” THE Zimes remarks that marriage is “a very highly pitched relation.” Young Snosxrys, who was in love with his cousin EvPHEMIA, says that he was also a very highly pitched relation when he proposed marriage, for his indignant uncle threw him bang over the garden wall. SURGERY FOR THE MIDDLE CLASSES. Suppose you are troubled with a cataract, that is to say, not with a waterfall in your neighbourhood, but with an obstruction in your eye. You may have this nuisance abated by a surgical operation. This, if you are a labouring man, you can, by procuring a letter of recom- mendation to a hospital, get done for thanks. If you are a peer of the realm, or a banker, or a railway director, or a great builder, or a prince, or a bishop, you will have the best operator in London to couch your cataract; that is, to destroy or pick out the diseased part of your eye, namely, the crystalline lens turned white and opaque. For rendering you that important service, you will present your surgeon with a cheque for two or three Geaand pounds, to encourage science, and to reward him for giving professional assistance to the poor. But if you are a respectable tradesman, or an attorney, or a barrister as yet only rising, or a parson of moderate preferment, then you will pay the professor who enucleates your crystalline capsule the average market price for the job, which may be put at about £50. Now this is what the inferior members of the equestrian order call a high pike, and the in general denominate a heavy fork-out; in short, it is a great of money for'a man with a small income, and perhaps a large Tee e family, to part with, even for a consideration so valuable as that of the restoration of his sight.. How is his sight restored by the extraction of a part of his eye? Because that part of his eye is merely a little microscope, and its place may be supplied with proper spectacles. He has, therefere, something to show for his fee, and something worth fee, however large. But the regular fee may be more than he can ord. What a convenience, then, it would be for any gentleman who wants to have his cataract expunged, or his leg cut off, or his fracture set, or his dislocation reduced, or his artery taken up and tied for hemorrhage or for aneurism, or his jaw-bone removed, or his skull trepanned, or a large concretion extracted from his interior, or a huge excrescence abscinded from his outside, if there existed an institution of the nature | Of a benefit club in as far as it regarded surgical attendance, so that any member thereof might, by the payment of a small annual sub- scription, be enabled to lose his own limb, if necessary, or have it mended, if possible, or get any other bodily repairs that he may want to have done, skilfully executed, under circumstances as favourable as those which surround a man in an ! No such resource for gentlemen does vg omger A exist, but an accommodation of the kind has been provided for ladies. It is named the “London Surgical Home.” Its second anniversary festival was held the other evening. Its object is that of affording surgical assis- tance in curable cases, to gentlewomen who can afford to pay some- thing towards their own support; and, as its name implies, it houses them as well; which is a great advantage; for you cannot always com- mand at home, the water-beds and other machinery requisite for the comfortable treatment, for example, of broken bones. Neither can | pon get, on reasonable terms, any better nurses than stupid old women. n the Ladies’ London Surgical Home, during the last 11 months, 83 patients have been received, 57 of them cured, and 11 relieved; the rest are under treatment all but one, and that one only had exchanged the Surgical Home for the long one. Hence you will perceive that it is a bond fide concern, as will further appear from the fact that, whilst the annual subscriptions promised for the year amount to £193 10s., the patients’ own — duri the year are calculated at £674. The current annual expenses are £1,367 10s., to meet which, of course the managing committee want £500; which they ought to get, because the money will be given in aid of one of the most useful and laudable of all institutions going. The London Surgical Home was founded by Mz. Baxer Brown, a philanthropist whom poor surgeons a thank as well as poor gentle- women wanting surgical assistance. Should Surgical Homes be mul- tiplied, and ee er pong as to include male patients, they will afford employment to many young surgical practitioners who are as well up to their work as anybody in the Council of the College, and would be glad to contract with those excellent establishments to do any quantit of mending that may be required by the frames of their inmates an subscribers, on moderate terms. VoL, XL. (8

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprit 27, 1861: PB! hi lk deca S =e of that building, wherein Bank Directors would ‘PREVENTIVE PENAL KNOWLEDGE. HE attention of those philanthropists are earnestly devoting their benevolent en gies to the diffusion of useful knowledge, is invited to the sub- joined paragraph, ex- tracted from the report of a lecture delivered at the Royal Institu- he would raise himself 1,712 feet in one hour.” well before the morally inferior classes. P. ed in large letters in the form of a handbill, it might be by the Police, in lie-houses and other \\ principal \ rogues The Stock Exchange Committee might also stick it upon blers and speculators in the money-market most do congregate. 0 do well to give it a conspicuous position in and about their banking-houses. There can be no doubt that the most effectual way to deter a rogue from scoundrel could have no stronger inducement to practise honest industry than a knowledge of what is meant by the hard labour to which he may subject himself by theft and fraud; and thence a wholesome horror of the treadmill. He would be careful how he ran the risk of placing himself in the position of climbing at the rate of 1,712 feet an hour, and standing all the while at the same level. who { ener- SONG FOR THE MERCHANTS. : Our fathers of old, tion by. Pacesssom Though shiv’ring with cold, HetaHoutz :— Drove their bargains,the winds driving through sno thee ctieen Srl , nem \, is obtained on the tread” yo fone tag Daag mill, by which action, if . rpg exerted inascending stairs,| -ITB, in weather-tight place to pursue them. But let us us beware! eat : And whilst temp’ring the air, * This brief and simple, Keep an eye on the am Commi = but significant state- And mind they don’t spile 7 ment M _ = ae The handsomest pile good if it co e : . eekht exficlently We can show anywhere in ins City. rint-| Difference Between Wit and Humour. Tere has been so many thousand definitions of Wit and Humour, that we do not offer the slightest apology for the following attempt to explain the difference between them. We have but little doubt that it will fully come up in merit and success to its numerous predecessors, the majority of which have been egregious failures :— 2 ; Humour is the art of saying happy things that have the effect of making others happy ; whilst Wit, and especially that grade of it that takes the form of Satire, is the art of saying smart things that are the cause of smarting in up, the uae elp of all the pub- h resorts of and thieves. e walls crime would be that of impressing him with a vivid idea of its consequences; and an idle! others. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Mowpay. 4Aprit 15. It may suit Mr. Giapstonz to take three hours to detail the contents of his Budget, but Mr, Punch has no intention whatever of being so wasteful of words. Here is the | Budget :— * Though the Lords choose to vapour, off, Duty on Paper! One Penny I rescue from Income-Tax trickery ; Divers Licences mention, not worth your attention ; And, lastly, I double the Duty on Chicory.” There is the Budget, and if Mr. Guapstonz had come to Mr. Punch and asked him for leave to print the above on a neat little card, which might have been inclosed to the Members, the CuanceLLor would have saved himself the trouble of talking for 175 minutes while an atrocious East Wind was soughing round the House and waiting to catch him when he should come out. Add that he says he shall have a surplus of £1,922,000 instead of the Deficiency which his enemies had been predicting, and that he — his eloquent speech with some fun about Lapy Gopiva, and his paying his own addresses to two young ladies at once, Miss Direct and Miss Indirect Taxation, and that he introduced Latin quotations; which are thus corrected by the Morning Chronicle (price one penny) :— a “ Aurerus et simili frondescit virga meballo,” an “Ergo alte vestiga car/fe manu.” the Gladstonian exploit for 1861 is summed up. It may be as well to add, that the other day Lorp Patmenston was assuring us that we needed all our costly defensive preparations against our friend the Elected of the Millions, and that to-night Mr. Giapstonz spoke emphatically against the war expenditure of the country. When the oalition does agree, its unanimity is wonderful ; but we,cannot expect | Bill wonders all through the Session. There was not much discussion after the Budget-Speech, indeed Mx. Giapstonz had rained such a shower of figures upon the heads of the Committee that they were bewildered, and Members began doing all sorts of wild sums on the paper, dividing 13 by 27, subtracting 403 from 179, and performing similar Se gy order to look as if they were considering the Minister’s details. But most people seemed pleased that no new taxes were to be laid on; and, after alittle dispute as to whether Mz. GLapstonz had been the sweetest friend or the bitterest enemy of the agricultural interest, the Chicory Resolution was put and carried. Whether the rest of the Chicory Budget will be as easily got through, Mr. Punch profoundly remarks, zous verrons, The Lords did not sit for an hour, but most of them who are capable of understanding a financial speech came into the House of Commons to hear Mr. GLapsTons, Tuesday, But to-night their Lordships met to better purpose, and read the Bankruptcy Bill a Second Time. That plan of making one law for the Trader and the Non Trader seems to give much uneasiness to the superior classes, who appear to be awfully afraid of being “‘ nabbed,” a state of mind that indicates some little habitual irregularity in accounts, Lorp CugimsrorpD, on behalf of the Non-Traders, threatens to doctor the Bill in Committee. He was not very lucky in a remark that the House of Commons had not given due attention to the measure, for during part of the debate in the Second Reading of the most important Bill of the Session, there were Four lords on one side S the House and the same number on the other, and never more than thirty-seven, In the Commons a Bill for enabling people to make railways in the streets came on for Second Reading, This is the plan of Mx, Trai, an American gentleman, who has actually got two of such railways at work in London, and who, if he never does anything else, deserves the gratitude of the English Lady for shaming the proprietors of the dirty Inconvenient nuisance called the British Omnibus, by producing a vehicle into which a woman can step decently, and sit in cleanliness and comfort, Also for substituting neatly uniformed and civil men for the coarse cads who at present bawl behind the buss. How- ever, the question of giving the powers ye ee by this Bill is a dis- tinct one from that of the advantage of the Trarw vehicles, and the i cause of—a smart speech in its ill was negatived, after—perhaps favour from Mr. Brieut. The mantle of Spoonzr has fallen upon Wuattey. The latter has taken up the Maynooth question, He fixed Tuesday the 30th, for his débit, and in the interests of humanity Mr. Brawyp will be good enough to mark that night for a Count Out.

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ee ae wv ew ev YF so WP crPearns Ww cre Ww Aprit 27, 1861.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 171 Mr. A. Surru is sorely troubled about the sea-shore of this island. He has got a notion that the QuEEN is always trying to get hold of it for Her Masgsty’s own purposes, and he wanted a Committee on the point. The ArrornEy-GENERAL made great fun of him and his sup- orters, explained the real theory of real property, namely, that all the Jand in England is imagined to be held by grant from the {Crown, but that the Crown holds the sea-shore in trust for the w community, and therefore cannot either grab or grant it, and that the rights of the public are taken perfect care of. On division Mz. Smirx and the other he-Nereids were beaten by 176 to 67. Then another SmirH got up to bore about the Navy Estimates, but somebody happened to see that Sata had only 28 Members to bore, whereupon that inhumanity was incontinently cut short. Wednesday. The Bill for letting Dissenters be Trustees of the Endowed Schools was to have gone into Committee, but the House seemed to think that enough had b been done to please the Dissenters of late, and that they were getting rather bumptious. And as thesé are Church of England schools (according to the aecepted theory), the claim of the Dissenters, who have nothing to do with paying for the m. to come in and manage them, does not seem uncommonly strong. At all | the events such orators as Dissent boasts in the House of Commons could not make out their case, and the Bill was thrown out by 200 to 171, amid loud Conservative cheering. Then came the You-may-marry-your-wife’s-sister-Bill, which was d very briefly debated, and which met with an unaccustomed fate. It generally passes the Commons, and then Lawn comes down on it with Leviticus, but to-day the Puseyites and others in the Commons — to: refuse the Second Reading by 177 to 172, and there,was more loud Conservative cheering. A Bill for preventing servant girls and Geen from tumbling into the area when cleaning windows, was read a First Time. Mr. Punch has not yet had an opportunity of seeing the machinery by which this desirable object is to be brought about, but he begs distinctly to say that he is not going to have his beading pulled out and his sashes turned round, because that knocks off the gilding and paint, and the windows never shut properly after such an operation. if Members of Parliament like to come with ladders, and clean his windows, outside, with their own pocket-handkerchiefs, he has no particular objection ; but they must distinctly understand that they are not to ask the publisher for beer. To-day did the Viscount Patmerstoy, Constable of Dover, and Warden of the Five Ports (name them, Wiscount, and don’t begin with Sherry, because that’s a bad joke. Eh, youcan’t? We thought so), took the oaths and his seat, after his re-election for, Tiverton, and recovery from gout. He was introduced by Sr Gzorez Grey and the Lorp Apvocate ror ScoTianp, and did not seem particularly embarrassed. ConsTaBLE Pam (A. 77) was loudly cheered; and J/r. Punch’s ineffable scream might have been heard high above all the voices of the inferior creatures. He hopes that the Mansion House dinner, the same night, was “just the thing the doctor ordered,” but Cusirt came rather close upon podagra. Thursday. On the question of the maltreatment of a British officer by the Prussian authorities, Lorp SHAFTESBURY pronounced the mild decision, that “ nothing can be more melancholy!nor more inhospitable than the system of Prussian administration, from the highest to the lowest functionary.” That is a good eeene Exeter Hall denun- ciation, much in the style in which the Philadelphionites consign all other sects to an indefinitely unpleasant hereafter ; but in the case of Prussia, Lorp Sua¥resBury’s clean sweep may, do but justice to the dirty sweeps of officials. _ There was a good deal of squabbling in the Commons on some points in the Estimates; but the noticeable portion of the discussion was an awful castigation inflicted by the Constable on Bernat Osnoryz, who had been letting off some dogmatic flippancies upon our military defences. Pam rebuked him for his presumption, exposed his mis- takes, and congratulated the country that its defences did not depend upon his knowledge or decision. He described Mr. Oszorne’s style as the Light and Violent. B.O. got so wrathful at this that he forgot his manners, and said that Lorp Patmerston was cross after colchicum—an unlucky remark which of course the good-natured Constable turned round upon Bernat, recommending Aim to take colchicum, which most persons were aware was a “sedative.” On the whole, BeRnat got rather sat upon to-night and left out in the cold. Friday. Loxp Ex1exnorover, at great length, demanded what the Government was doing in reference to the Porz. Lorp WopEHovss, at great shortness, explained that the Government was doing nothing, except leaving Popish problems to Papist powers. Lory Dersy said that this was quite right, but that the Pors ought to be free, and that, as Lorp Joun Russeut had said, Italy should be divided into two states, and then Rome, in the middle, would be no difficulty. How far the Kine or Inaty, by the grace of Ganrsapr, will take this turning his dominions into a sandwich, with the Porx as the bit of meat, perhaps M, p’Azxexio will expound. Lorp Puncu did not coerce his Marylebone vassals, and, as might have been expected, they availed themselves of his indulgence, and of course returned the man. Instead of electing Mz. WincRove Cooxz, whom ev 'y knows and honours, they, under the dictation of a leash of have elected a Mr. vEY Lewis, who may have all the virtues and talents in the world, but of whom all that is known at present is that he is a rich Irishman. This comes of Mr. Punch’s Laren ag yp crs time Mapes will get its head broken. Mr. Lewis took seat to-night. is, of course, ultra-Liberal in profession, and to vote that the moon is made of green cheese, if his constituents that as view. Mr. B. Cocugawe asked Whether Government would produce the recent d from Warsaw? Lorp Joun replied, first, that they would not; and, secondly, that there were no recent despatches. An Indigo-Planter Debate, originated by Mr. Layarp, brought up some facts of a a mr The Constable was taken to task for letting the Tiverton Volunteers accompany him af his election, a horribly unconstitutional thing, and it need not be said that the Warden explained the matter very jovially. There was some discussion about Donegal eviction (the case in which a landlord, bafiled in his endeavours to improve his estates, and incensed at the conduet of the tenants in secreting criminals, has swept out a large number of per- sons), and the feeling of the House seemed to be, that there was a good eal to be said on both sides. And, Volunteers, perpend. A Bill was brought in to exempt you from paying tolls, so you will be able to afford to buy extra copies of Punch to send to your friends abroad. Will not that be nice ? nS IN WN KN / a Boy (sings popular air). ‘‘ J’d choose ter be er daisy, If I might be er flower.” EGGS AND YOKE. Tue other day one of Revtser’s telegrams, dated Agram, said :— “*The Diet has been opened to-day. The Ban was honoured with a popular ovation on the occasion. We hope the Ban liked it. The ovation which he received at the hands of the people may for etymological and other reasons have been presumed to have been an egging. The Diet was naturally opened on the occasion, and the contents, diffused over the Ban’s face, must have given it the appearance of a sweet omelet. We don’t know who the present Ban of Croatia is; but an ovation ‘must have been just the thing for a JELLACHICH. A Delegate Question. _ CoMPARATIVEs are sometimes odious, as well as are comparisons. For instance, when a clever wor is fool enough to listen to a pothouse- haunting Delegate, and to ruin himself by striking when his children are half-s' , instead of saying simply that jhe is going to pot, would jit«not his folly in a far more hateful light § it were observed that he was going to Porter?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprit 27, 1861. Hosier, “ Wett, Sim, THAT WOULD DEPEND! Immense Swell, “Haw! Loox HEaAw! 1r I—nHAW—TOOK A QUANTITY OF THESE THINGS, WOULD THEY—HAW—2E CHEAPAW?” PRAY ARE YOU IN THE TRADE?” [Feelings of Swell may be imagined, OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. “Dear PuncH, “You may recollect that in the first of these interesting letters I gave my thanks to two new actors who had just made their débit, for having each afforded me a pleasant evening’s entertainment. I considered their performances to be of no small promise, and this anticipation I am happy to confirm. Widely different as they are in the parts which they present, Mr. Drew and Mr. Fecurer have at to bring out his capacities, and give his talent proper scope. Drew when on the stage is an Irishman all over, and does not betray | his birthplace merely by his brogue. You will hear but few if any of | the ‘tare and ouns/? and the ‘och murthers!’ and the thousand and one other stale old stupid interjections wherewith stage Irishmen are and manner of expression, and perhaps even still more in his quaint angular deportment, you recognise the Irishman of actual existence, free from the traditions of footlights and of greenrooms, and bringing a fresh vigour to the characters he plays. A piece more clumsy and worse-written than the Irish Hmigrant it has very rarely been my misery to witness ; and it affords but little chance for the cleverest of actors to interest the house. But Mz. Drew made the utmost of the small talk that was given him ; and his pathos when half-starving, and first getting gift of food, fully showed him to be capable of something more than moving the laughter of his audience, to which the efforts of stage Irishmen are in general confined. “While I speak of stage tradition, I should like to make it clear that there are some pieces where it is most legitimately used, and which indeed without it lose their chief effect. Such a one for instance is the Miller and his Men, which seems written to perpetuate the conven- tionalities of the stage, and which when robbed of them becomes a vapid stupid piece. As acted at the Haymarket, I think it a mistake, and the pains which have been taken to present it in new shape appear to me to have deprived it of its only real charm. I have no belief in Grindoff without a broad black belt, and yellow ochred boots; and the man who would reform the hairy-faced and hoarse-voiced ruffian of my youth into the refined and polished scamp of later years, sadly interferes with many pleasurable memories, without giving me the least this much in common, that their acting is unstagy, natural, and | they who like not forced, and free from the conventional absurdities of art. 1 visited | seeing. It is called Zhe Little Savage—I beg your Se. — a night or two ago, and spent a pleasant hour in seeing| AuTHoR, I mean the The Little Rebel—and is translated, I { REW, whom I shall be glad to re-welcome to our boards. The| Une Fille Terrible, whereas the other piece I mentioned is taken, I am pieces that he played in were the trashiest of rubbish, but he had/| told, from La Niase de St. Fleur. enough to do to show that he was capable of more; and when next he | owning obligations, lest one be charged with debts that one has really comes to London, I hope he may be fitted with a part which is adapted | not incurred.) Mr. | expressive acting, may conceive how she impersonates a hoydenish | wont to interlard their conversation. But in his utterance and tone | doubt not pleases all who enjoyed the Porter’s K; | chance of one to cherish in their stead. * There is a pretty little piece now playin at the Olympic, which iss Louise Kee.ey shoul i not miss the chance of ardon, Mr, lieve, from (It is as well to be particular in They who know Miss Keetzy’s sprightly, arch, young lady, who in order to disgust a superannuated suitor makes- believe to be a romping, ju Ree, sc oolgitl, who half-strangles him with skipping-ropes and makes him play at ball. “The Chimney Corner still is an attraction at this theatre, and I a not. . Rosson is well fitted with a character, of a sort that he has made peculiarly his Dining and which abounds in quick transitions from alternate smiles to tears. “Mr. Gre has been out tenor-fishing during the recess; and, after trying somewhere near the margin of Zurich’s fair waters and other spots which are at times frequented by fine fish, he has landed a fine specimen, a Sicwor TrseRmni, who may have sprung, for aught I know, from the banks of the Tiber. Leaving critics to determine whether or no he really be a tenor pur sang, and capable of giving out the ut de poitrine, I am content to recollect that he has pleased me as a singer, and as an actor has evinced himself well grounded in his art. If he have not the grace and sweetness of Mario and Rusiu1, the energy of TaMBERLIK, or sustained notes of Grueiui, he has enough charms of his own to make his voice worth hearing; and as a perfect tenor is rather a rare fish, I think we may congratulate the active Mr. Gre on having made 80 good a catch. ’“ One wo Pays.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Apnit 27, 1861. THERE’S A PENNY FOR You!” MASTER BULL AND HIS DENTIST. Dextist. “DON’T CRY, MY LITTLE MAN! I’M NOT GOING TO DRAW ANY MORE THIS TIME, AND

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Aprit 27, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 175

OUR ROVING CORRESPONDENT «] ee ae U ‘i “1 congratulate on vantage. : “ My Dzar Punon, Har, it’s all very well,’ he added, ‘but then you fellers,

“Pogo Franco is, as everyone knows, pleasantly situated— | 700 peo —S oo og wlohe few harchitecks t bes or. a ~bed ne is the re cig gene = was obliged to admit that I didn’t. ores 0 ean, and, as a watering-p. » 18 mucht se know’ r e questa te yo ce eg months by the German and Fassisn nou: « Not, Onnocxs the harchiteck uites are prepared every season in oe ae af Universo for his Serene Highness the Prince or SPrtzFLEMANKOFF and FIP son gy a — a ld BER A 5% = retinue, for the Duc pz Grurrav, the Banonuss KRAUTSTRUNK, and |¢>,u95 que you know, but them pillars ain’t straight—them on the his Excellency Count Bowwowsk1; while in the hall of the Aquila) .s5er T mean—the drawering’s hout. Nera (the opposition hostelry) ie may read the more familiar names ad told him I knew it, and intended to alter the mistake. oF uAny Rowzen of famille, Mx. and Mus. Szrwovz BROWNNE, | «*Never mind, though,’ added Mn. B. quite consolingly,*1t7ll make ENERAL STaLkeR, Mr. Apotrpuvus STALKER, an 88 oe : : : * After oe — sarees - ao Pa - (altigated perhaps on + a uel Sopening for all that, mind you. Got your shadders in bold occasion by a few judiciously scattered francs), Mz. DewBERRY an “ os : “ established ourselves at the [ast-named inn on the night of our arrival, tn cone 4 iepeunie fer => +4 lo vat con. tet somes and for that night only ; for the next day, on asking for our little bill, |" «« es! nice bit, said muateaies “ae after gle is it?? (with we were favoured with one of those curious results of double multi-| , Italian gesture). oes in it Tho @hiarcbes here ain't worth aoe ype me which = ae 7 haga on aoe en oe . Tigger—n0, not half a jigger !” justly celebrated, ter having paid it, and having beaten about In| “« : alae search of e we took up our quarters at No. 999, Via di sublative might Fepresent st rg of intrinsic value the latter Pe Se ame. .| * Nothing like the Habbey, after all—give me the Habbey, J say. You may sup we were at first, as in duty bound, out alldayin| «ey beg pardon ?? said I. net quite understanding. a fiacre ‘ a eee lions of this wonderful city. The Palazzo) ««m, 1? said aig ically. “Our an a 2 Meo ve A ag ee, -~ —— Westminster! That’s your sort. Give me the Habbey, J say!’ e, an e Casa di’ Cent’odore, have long been ce in| « ; : : aie history, and described again and again in numerous works, from Lonp rid g Wished it had been in my power to do so, or anything, to get on’s noble verses down to Miss Manar’s Memoranda Mediter- “es But, what a place this Porto Franco is!’ continued Mr. raneana, So I shall not trouble you with any information which is Bowrex apostrophising. ‘What a rum, what a dam rum place! afforded in Mz. ArBEMARLE’s excellent Handbook, where you will find | Tost think how man: hages and I say,’ said he, as if y = 7 a= 4 appropriate quotations from poorer tp: acm struck with a new i seen the Pesearia wet ?? writers, with a8 much more matter as you can conveniently remember.| «<« aot + he Indeed I fear that these letters will treat of subjects thoroughly cat Myr ok 1 a p aed yf oe a modern and unromantic, and I shall humbly leave the fifteenth for the in emporium. nineteenth century, nor trouble the heroes of a former age, while I “*Not seen the Pescaria? Why ’ow long ’ave you bin ’ere?? ; describe the swells of the present. iit 5 “** Just sevived.? : “ Dick used to devote a good proportion of his time to that species] «#35 jist come !—that’s another pair of shoes, said my tor- of exercise which is generally known among young gentlemen of like mentor, athe, ‘I*ye bin “ere two months and ’aven’t seen arf. pursuits as ‘loafing ;’ that is, walking about with no — object, but | You "ll *ave to look sharp if you want to po the place well. Work ready for any adventure which may turn up. In - DEWBERRY’S | away, my boy—that’s right—make your *ay while the sun shines is case, perhaps, the oot ey assumed a more useful aspect, as he took | my morter. Hullo, what’s that? twelve o'clock? I must be off to care to note where the best tobacco was to be bought, what merchants | *s¥e m fajjey-oley (fagiuoli), know what that is, don’t you?—Arryco retailed Bass’s famous ale, which of the hotels contained the greatest | peans boiled in the soup—capital thing for lunch—al *ave a basin number of pretty girls, &c. &c. For my part, being always remarkable | of fajjey-oley in the middle of the day—can’t dine early like the natives for industry, I devoted myself with great vigour to the various picture- | blows you out so for the afternoon—couldn’t work if I did. I say, galleries and churches in the City. I do not, however, intend to give us a look up, will yer? *Appy to see you any evening in a quiet recount all that I did for the sake of my beloved art at Porto Franco. way, as the bur said when he muffled the alarm bell. Stop a bit Perhaps the result of my researches will appear in the meetings of the there ’s my cart de visit, and I read— . Philographic Comenntts. Perhaps I may be going to publish an essay ss “On the Pigments of Perugino.’ Perhaps I look forward to the

hone - LTE POLIO o Lie so SRR ec AS A A IOI — TE = - —_ “ - ae cataemenemmenmmmtinnalia ae NY STH

honour of permitted to attach some score of capital letters to my at present obscure name—I say perhaps—and say no more. MR. BENJAMIN BOWPEN, “T crave ng indulgence for this digression, into which I have been : unconsciously led in a moment of ambition, and beg to resume my Architect and Surbepor. narrative,

* T came across some curious peste in the course of my stay at 43, SCAGLIOLA PLACE, Porto Franco, and when Dick and I met of an evening over a pipe, we used to relate to each other our respective adventures, sitting up, as SEE CORT ONE, AW. I am ashamed to add, until a most unconscionable hour in the morning, whereas every well-conducted English traveller in Italy ought to be 4 : ; bed and asleep by 9 o'clock, r.., if we may put any faith in the rules|_ “‘ * Thank you, Sir,’ said I (for you see I never like to offend a man laid down in ALBEMARLE’s crimson compendium. if I can help wh *T haven’t a card about me at this moment, but I “ The first of our beloved countrymen whom I had the pleasure to | lodge in the Via ia Bricconi,’ and I gave him my address, fondly hoping Btasostes MW Den ate rat foe ke to tae eer mt roa eee d Mr. B ff, Suddenly h wn, N.W. I give his title in or the benefit of my readers, 5 rig! sai . B., going off, ‘oreyoor? Suddenly he because, to say the honest truth, I had never heard of that talented stopped and came back, entleman (at which he seemed much surprised) until he introduced By the way,’ said he, ‘I think you said you did not know to me at Porto Franco in the manner following, videlicet— IRROCKS P? . “I was sitting one morning in the church of San Goggolo, very| “ ‘ Yes, said I, why?’ 3 intent Lane a sketch that I.was making, when I suddenly became|_ “ ‘Oh, nothing! never mind—ta-ta—doesn’t signify,’ and here Mr. aware of a strong flavour of stale and rather questionable tobacco, and | Bowrgn went off to his ‘fajjey-oley,’ and to the great relief of chancing to look over my shoulder, saw Mr. B. i F

there, grinning, « . “*Go hon,’ said he, ‘don’t mind me—brother chip, you know—all Tome Inuable wen Easzn.” in the way o’ trade. I say—got a bit of Hingey-rubber about you, to a lend a chap? I’ve lost mine,’

. His fingers were not over-clean, and I thought that giving him a " lece of the article in question was preferable to lending Aa the whole. Bight at Last. I began to cut off a bit with my penknife. A Gzntiemay, who for some time past, has been trying with all his

“*Hullo!? said Mr. Bowrsn, ‘what are you hup to? No call for| might to make a joke upon Marylebone, is delighted at the opportunity that, you know—give it back to you in arf a minnit.’ And, snatching | of being able to “ that in amieemtion of” the election, % has of it up, he ran off. After a little time, he came back. ‘Nice bit, aint | course the “‘ Bone of contention.” We like en ing young it?” said he, looking at my sketch, ‘J did it, yes’day. Isay! you i and that is our only excuse for putting before the reader so aint a harchiteck, are yer ?? miserable an lege bm extreme weakness of which would disgrace No,’ said L, even a Member of Parliament.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aprin 27, 1861. jv \ \ \ \ \ GADDY’S ACADEMY PICTURE ON VIEW. Art Critic. “You see you’ve got the Duke seated and the Duchess standing up. Now couldn't you make the Duchess sitting down and the Duke standing up?” [But Gappy fears the Council will not put off the Exhibition for a couple of months to enable him to take advantage of his Friend’s valuable suggestion. X ay Ss 2 — — S ODE TO A YOUNG BARRISTER. My son, contending for the prize Of Life’s hard battle; bent to rise And climb, if Fate thy struggles back, That arduous height, the wool-stuffed Sack, War’s sinews for the heavy contest needing, , Thou must, if thou the palm wouldst win, Provide thyself with present tin, , Few victories are gained without much bleeding. Oh, then, with an attentive mind, _ Think with what spell to raise the wind! Look round thee if thou canst discern Some way the wherewithal to earn; But if thou canst no better do than borrow, Betake thee to some trusting friend, At moderate usance who will lend, Or thou wilt book thyself for future sorrow. . SETTLEMENT OF THE ITALIAN QUESTION. Wuat right has the College of Cardinals to choose a sovereign for the people of the Roman States? This question should be answered by the sticklers for the Pore’s temporal authority. They insist on his prescrip- tive rights, as though he were a legitimate monarch ; whereas he is merely an elective one, and one elected, not by the people, but only by a set of priests. These considerations suggest an easy settlement of the Italian difficulty. Let Louis NapoLeoy, VictoR EMMANvEL, and GaRrBatpr agree to allow his Holiness to remain where he is for the present, sitting in the chair of Borers, supported comfortably on French bayonets, with seat and cushion intervening between their points and his person. Let the Holy Father enjoy a life- interest in that position. But let their Eminences have due notice that the next Pope they elect, they must elect him simply for their own Bishop; and that he must take the Pontificate as it will come to him, a purely spiritual office, and accept the triple hat without any crown, Steel versus Wood. In the next naval war, if an enemy’s fleet has to be cut out, a new style of engraving will have to be intro- duced, for whereas formerly our ships were only wooden blocks, they have now steel plates. Barrannia, when- ever she turns her trident into an etching-needle, will make just as good a mark with the latter as with the former. By the bye, when these steel ys: want touch- ing up, they will have, we suppose, to be taken not into a graver’s but an engraver’s dock? A DIG AT THE DELEGATES. Durine the late Strike (we believe that we may speak of it now in the past tense) we often heard the question, “ Who are these Trade Delegates of whom we hear so much, and who seem, by all accounts, to be doing so much mischief?” Now, as ignorance is not always bliss, we think it may do good if information on the matter be made nag known, and there is no way that we know of to make it nown more widely than through the world-pervading medium of Punch, Give ear, then, O ye rustics, and ye town workmen also. some, be striking truths, which all on strike should pay good eed to. A Delegate is generally a lazy, idle lout, who likes to sit and talk much better than to work; and who, considering himself as being “ gifted with the gab,” tries to foster small dissensions and causes of dispute, that he may have the pleasure of hearing himself prate about them. In other words, he is a drone tlt goes buzzing about the beer- shops, and living upon the honey that the working bees have toiled for. His business is to set a man against his master, and to keep afloat the Unions that tend to nurture Strikes, by giving men a false idea of ‘their own strength, and underrating the resources and resistance of employers. Having duped the shallow-pated to elect him as their mouthpiece, and being paid by them to lead a lazy life in looking to what he is pleased to call their interests, the Delegate grows fat on their starvation and their strikes, and what is death to them becomes to him the means of life. Fancied grievances and most unreasonable demands the | ate endeavours to encourage and support, for squabbling brings into notice and his tongue into full play, and raises his importance in the pothouse-haunting world. A claim for ten hours’ pay for only nine hours’ work, is just the sort of trade demand that a Delegate delights in; for he knows that its injustice must prevent its being listened to, and he will have the chance of swigging nightly, gratis, pots of beer while denoun the iniquity of the rapacious masters, in all the frothy eloquence of a’ public-house harangue, As nobody but a fool would submit to have his earnings eaten inte by a sloth, it is the business of the Delegate to clap a stop on clever- ness, and keep the brains of working-men down to the muddle-pated level of those who are his tools. He, of course, fears the quick sight of any workman of intelligence, lest it may see through his iniquitous designs. He, therefore, gets the best hands marked on the Black List and does the utmost in his power to reduce the active, skilful, an industrious working-man to the standard of the stupid, slothful, sluggish sot. Britons may keep boasting that they never will be slaves, but so long as Mz. Porter and his myrmidons have sway, the slavery of negroes is not more complete, As the law at present stands, a few months on the treadmill is the most that can be given as a punishment to Delegates who illegally prevent a man from working where he likes. But when we see a national work suspended through their means (as was a month ago the case with the new Exhibition Building), we feel tempted to suggest that a suspension of the works should be followed now and then by a suspension of a Delegate. Latest Derrmition or M.P.—Marylebone Pet.

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9 A eB Sie ee A $$ —_——— Bate aaes . Appin 27, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 177 KING BUMBLE OF MARYLEBONE. Great Bumsie—mightiest of Kings—whose throne Looms high and haughty over Marylebone, Within whose vestry-room, a big Bashaw, Thou rul’st the rate, and layest down the law— Local self-government’s triumphant son— Unfetter’d majesty of Number One— Fresh from the ’Zizer or the Morning Star— Guide of the tap, and leader of the bar— Student sublime in penny-wisdom’s school— Great art thou in thy hour of vestry rule, Sneering humanitarian humbug down With Beadledom’s big voice and savage frown, Putting on jobs a face of stubborn brass, And writing down who differs with thee—ASS ; *Gainst Central checks still warring to the knife, And saving rates at the expense of life : Mighty to teach thin Chaplains whence their bread, To snub pert Doctors, better taught than fed, Or to crush sunken paupers lower still, That Poor-Law Boards may rev’rence BuwsLE’s will. Great art thou, too, in genial hours of ease, When nor job calls, nor vile Inspectors tease ; Whether within the a thou spend’st thy noons— King of clay-pipes, sovereign o’er spittoons— Or, venting oracles behind thy smoke, frowzy club-room cravk’st the midnight joke, Or, taking what thou wilt not give—a drain— Heark’nest the nigger minstrels’ graceful strain. Thine is the graceful plasseniy ¢ From etn a to pulling by the nose ; Thine British drinks—hot with or cold without, The quassia’d ale, or treacle-coloured stout ; No light, low-tariffed foreign wines for thee— Leave them to washerwomen tired of tea— Kine Bumszz needs a more sustaining tap, His brain in muddled majesty to wrap, To feed the mulberry blossoms on his nose, And in his bloated cheek maintain the rose. But if thou’rt great in act of Vestry-power— Great in the public-house’s festive hour— Greater by ten- and twenty-fold art thou, When an Election bids thy subjects bow! Oh, ’tis a sight England alone can show,— Unless America the like may know,) he struggle who shall kiss thy greasy palm, Whe smooth thy moods with flattery’s oiliest balm, Who lowest grovel at thy dirty foot, Who lick most mud from thy unsavoury boot, Whao, at thy bidding, nimblest turn his coat, Or gulp down pledges with the readiest throat. hen art thou every inch a king, when, bowed And bowing, thy poor slaves the hustings crowd, And offer up themselves, obsequious still, To pelt, poke fan at, hoot, howl down, at will. Praying, all abject, that their King will deign To put them to the question—once—again ! True Christians they—when the left cheek you smite, They turn to you, submissively, the right, “* Wilt please your Majesty repeat the blow— Too happy to amuse my sovereign so.” “ But condescend once more my powers to try Of eating toads and swallowing humble-pie.” “Nay, Sire, a rarer sport your slave affords ; Before your throne J’// eat up my own words.” * A Six-pound Franchise Syopson recommends ; For Household Suffrage J go in, my friends ; And if for Household Suffrage Sxozson call, For Universal I’m prepared to bawl; If he goes the whole hog, I’1l let him know I am the man a wholler hog to go— Under his lowest deep I’ll find a deep more low!” at poe a he yoke 2 hare I seen, pon the stage that dec e village green, Amid the peasant minstrels’ brazen din, Ambitious rustics eur horse-collars grin. And he—for such the rule that guides their play— Who grins the widest bears the prize away. So have I seen four rival clods, set high, In eating red-hot hasty-pudding vie, And his the honours of that painful feast Who eat the fastest, and who winced thé least. Like games are thine, but on a scale for gods— Who hast would-be M.P.s for village doki ‘o grin through Bumbledom’s horse-collars wide, And eat the _ puddings you provide. For the rude village stage, the scene they grace, Is the tall hustings reared in Portland Place. For hat, or smock, or gan soy thin, A seat in Parliament’s the prize they win : And for the judgment of the rustic crowd, Kuve Bums.z’s mighty will is law avowed ! BANKS ON BOARD SHIP. Exvsine the Zimes, we ob- served a nov in naval ents ms pro- by a Portsmouth t of that , with a view to prevent the evils of the present system of paying sailors :— “The simpli to ail this is now batore the Adm. ralty, and there may be hopes of ite at some time adopted. This plan is the establishment of banks on board each ship in commission, the men receiving a fair rate of interest.” We read the foregoing at breakfast; when, sud- denly, a quick succession of raps upon the table made the tea-things dance. ing, as the editor of rt Magazine 8a our opinions on the subject of Spiritual. ism, we immediately seized an alphabet, in order to see if the knocks proceeded from any spirit desirous of communicating any message. The invisible t knocked out “Ship ahoy!” Fact. We directly answered “Yoho!” to which the reply was “Avast! Belay there!” We then shouted, “Who are you?” and the spirit responded “Drepin!” whereupon we put the question, “‘ What cheer, ho?” but instead of directly answering that interrogatory, our unseen visitant gave some violent raps, the letters corresponding whereunto spelt « Shiver my timbers!” In reply to further inquiries, the spirit said, that he was in a good berth, but that his rest was dis- re by the idea of such a pr ? - ZA 1% “Sf WAAR ~ odigious innovation as that of a ank on d ship, which he could conceive to be capable of serving no purpose with regard to Jack, who spent most of his money in helpmg messmates in distress, and the remainder in purchasing watches to fry, except that of supplying him with notes to light his pipe with, sweet little Providence sat up aloft to keep watch for the life of poor Jack; but poor Jack had no providence of his own, and must now have become rich Jack to be ever in a position to = money in a bank. “If Jack required a bank on board ship, scuttle seuppers, JACK was not what he used to be, d’ye see, but another guess sort of fellow.” Having delivered this opinion, the spirit wished us good-bye, saying that he must now go, because all hands were piped aloft. Whosoever shall refuse to credit the foregoing narrative, let him be confounded. He is a prejudiced, unreasoning bigot, who will not ——— facts for himself nor allow due weight to the testimony of others. A Complete Disguise. An Englishman and Roman were walking thro the galleries of the Vatican, where certain statues and pictures have been slightly clothed so as not te shock the minds of purists as fastidious as the late Kuve or Napigs, when the lishman made some allusion in the course of conversation, tc the “naked Trath.” ‘Excuse me, Sir, replied the Roman, half plaintively, “the Truth is no longer allowed to go naked in Rom care is taken that it shall be draped by a ardinal.” “* BLESS HER DEAR SIDES,” Tx French have just Jaunched another steel frigate, but our Admi- ralty are so slow with theirs that Barraxwza, in her leisure moments, will have plenty of time to sing, “Still, so gently o’er me steeling,”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Arrit 27, 1861.

tS T 4 (FA Rrvat Cassy. ’,‘‘ There, now, if that ain't ungrateful—goes and ’ires "im in pruference to me as woted for the Saturday ’alf ’oliday, let alone ailiw me fust. A\\, 2 i nA 3 PA Srnn2as u ’ oe ”, tddieset Printers, at their Offiee tx beet v ‘oburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No.19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park, both im the Parish of St Pancras, in the County of M Saruapar, the Preciuct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by them at 20. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride in the City of London—

pe ee ed ee me ew ae iw

hm cle ee

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Mar 4, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 179 | Guapstone said that it might not be unfair to do something for = > ~_= WS \\| \\\ = a Me Coes F'\\1 tM y N 2 udy' E = ii SACRED BEAR GARDENS. Deprecatine the enactment of the proposed Nonconformists’ Burial Bill, the Morning Post, in a recent article, argued that if that measure became law, and dissent- ing ministers were accordingly em- powered to read funeral services in Church burying grounds, the next concession Dissenters would demand would be that of liberty to perform part of the service also | within the churches. And then :— | | | **Once throw the churches open to | all sorts and conditions of modern dis- | sent, and there will be no end to the con- | fusion. Disputes will arise as to the | modes of service, the relative claims to | this or that portion of the ground, and arise as to the costume wherein ~ = / NAT \\\\Nos ia Sunday-School Teacher. “On, Jounny, I’m SHOCKED TO SEE YOU SHOULD LEAVE youR Toys aT Home on a Sunpay!” Johnny (quick, but impudent). “THEN WHY DO YOU COME OUT WITH ing, whistling, stamping, coughing, churches open to Dissenters differ- ing from one another, it certainly is very probable that there would sometimes be rows resembling those which, within the memory of man, have occurred at St. Barnabas, Pimlico, and St. George’s-in-the- East. A Fatal Mistake. Footuarpy buffoons sometimes PLaYING WITH youR Tor. YOU | attempt too much. They risk their necks as extraordinary acrobats, and turn out to be mere tumblers, your Hoop?” PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Apnrit’ 22, Monday. British subjects who possess personal oon have no business abroad, because, if they have the means of living in England, where, only, Punch can be procured on the day of ogee it is wantonly making light of their privileges to be out of the way of that great advantage. However, there may be exceptional cases, and as at present no British subject who makes a Will when he is abroad has the slightest certainty that he has made it in the proper way, and as the personalty is pretty sure to be expended in the personalities of law, Lorp Kincspown (Mr. LzicH) is to be commended for bringing in a Bill to provide that a will of personalty shall be valid, whether made according to the law in foreign parts, or according to the domicile of the testator. The excellent Post Office Savings’ Bank Bill went through Second Reading, but the intelligent British public, into whose head it is excessively difficult to beat any new system (and which still directs its letters to “James Thompson, Esq., 300, Cheap- side, E.C.,” because that name and address were given in the form issued by SiR RowLanpD) must understand that it is not to regard the letter-slits in the light of the slit in the domestic money-box, nor to suppose that if a penny is dropped into the letter-column at Hammer- smith, it may be asked for at the receiving-house at Poplar that day two years. Mr. Punch foresees’ a good deal of trouble to himself in getting this new system into gear, but the object is so good that he intends to take the public in hand. Lorp Rarnnam proposed to Mr, Grapstonz to lay a tax on Linendrapers’ Shopmen, in order to drive those elegant beings to more manly work, and to substitute women behind the counters. Mr. women, especially as in some trades a systematic resistance is made by the men to the employment of feminine labour, but he did not quite see his way to getting coin out of the counterjumper. The Budget Debate began, and went through this night and that of | Thursday, when it was adjourned until the Monday following. Mr. Tomas BaRine made an elaborate speech against the Budget, and thought that we ought to look forward to a deplorable financial future and not remit taxes. Mr. Wut said—what can it matter what Mr. Wuire said? Mr, Baxrer defended the scheme of Mr. Giapstone, and the battledore and shuttlecock business continued until midnight, - Bentincx’s tirade against things in general being the most | amusing feature of the evening. There was much grumbling, but the Opposition did not offer to fight. Tuesday. Str JoserH Paxton, with the instinct of a true lover of the Landscape, demanded whether Government really contemplated the letting the Agricultural Society bring their fat pigs, ploughing machines, and mangle wurzle (spell it right, Wiscount) into Hyde Park in 1862? Mr. Cowper made an evasive kind of answer, and thought that “some” park might be used for the purpose. Mr, Punch hereby invites Six Joszrx to stick to this party Cowpzr, who is a good man, but has no moral pluck, and would give up the QuEEN’s private flower-garden if Swelldom put the screw upon him. He may stick the beasts in Battersea Park, if he likes, as there is nothing to spoil, and nobody goes there, and it would be the making of the locality. But we really cannot have the other place desecrated, Seog — may not seem out of place in Hide Park, as it was originally called. Mr. Berxetrery brought on his Ballot motion. He is a valiant old man, but Punch is reminded of a fine passage in the Lord of the Isles, The Ballot battle stagnates :— ** DouG.as leans on his war-sword now, And WILLIAMs wipes his moistened brow. DvuncomBe undoes his vizor clasp, And ATHERTON for air must gasp, And BERNAL OsBorRNE quits his spear, And sinks thy falchion, Bass or Beer, The blows of BerKe.ey fall less fast, And gallant Greson's bugle blast Has lost its lively tone, Sinks, brave Jonn Bricut, thy battle-word, And Brapy’s shout is fainter heard, * Mee merry men, foight on.’” It will be evident to an acute reader that Mr. Punch introduced this citation chiefly because BERKELEY and Dovetas, being pa and seconder of the motion, two of Sir Watter’s lines can be given in- tact, and Mr. P. distinctly states that he has not the slightest reason for affirming that the SoLicrron-GENERAL was out of breath, or that the Wiscount had a tendency to perspiration. To return to our sheeps —when the said mover and seconder had affirmed that the Ballot would bring in the Millennium, the House “answered not but with its legs,” as Morose, in The Silent Woman, desires Cutbeard to do, It —— into the lobby, and declined the Berkleian Millennium by 279 to f i ENE SR | to this or that time of the day forservice.’ | Yes; and disputes may even | the minister is to officiate. The | consequences may be hissing, hoot- | crowing, scuffling, and fighting. In | VOL, XL, i

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180 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 4, 1861, Wednesday. The old Universities return Members to Parliament, and the constituency is a curious one. The voters are the Masters of Arts, and they are, of course, scattered all over the country, and indeed over the world. It is proposed that, instead of giving an M.A. not in residence, the trouble and expense of coming to his University to vote, the scholarly character of his franchise shall be still further indicated by its being permitted to him to write his vote, and send it to head-quarters, There is much to be said in favour of this plan, but what is to be said against it is, that inasmuch as nearly all the Clergy are Masters of a you will be giving the Clerical element a huge preponderance, the stupid bigoted Welsh Curates and their congeners,—the worthy and disagreeable men who live in small villages, and get a habit of regarding everything in a village way,—the excellent pig-heads who quarrel with the Dissenters on little points that a priest of the world would smile at,—all this mass of conscientious small-mindedness will be brought to bear upon the elections. Distance, time, trouble, expense keep a majority of these parsons from voting | now, but when they can vote fora penny, they will pour in their papers, and we shall see such a man as the Record would support (can we say anything more contemptuous?) aided to overthrow a Gladstone, a Macaulay, a Carlyle, or a Thackeray, or some other candidate who | would be an ornament to the House of Commons and a stone of | stumbling to bigotry. On the whole, therefore, and in the interests | | thought for the ray of the nation, passed the shop without thinking | Lt of the Universities, Mr. Punch thought it better to refer the Bill to a Select Committee, which of course was done at his suggestion. Sm Morton Peto.—but Lorp Puncs said a precious good thing to him, and that must be told here. You know the fishmonger’s at the top of Parliament Street—don’t the salmon look scrumptious ? Well, on Wednesday, the Marcutongss or Punce had (respectfully) requested her Lord to send home some fish, and he, immersed in of the request, remembering it, he hurried affably back, and Siz M. Peto was standing, iring some red mullet. “‘ Did you want to speak to me?” said Sim M. P. to Lonp P. “No,” said Lorn P., quoting the classical speech of the ancient Gladiator— “Non te, Peto,—piscem pete.” Upon which, Sm M., delighted, was moving off, but Lorn P., con; tinuing the speech of the Retiarius, added, “‘ Quid me fugis, Galle?’ (Galle, on the present occasion, Wiscount, means Old Cock). And, after ordering a few salmons, they went down to the House together, laughing like fun, and in capital spirits, to discuss the Bill for burying Dissenters, This Bill is squashed, so there is no use in talking about it; but its intention was to permit Dissenters to bury in Church of England churchyards, with whatever forms, or absence of forms, they might lease. The Jum ight have come and jumped over a deceased riend, and the Shakers and t have taken and shaken him, and people who have even briefer rituals, for instance, folks like the woman Mapey, who has again been ing a fool of herself in a court of justice, might have stood upon the tomb, and proclaimed the doctrine that “we dies like dogs.” These processes would have been very distasteful to right-minded people, and the House of Commons, by 236 to 155, — 81, voted for preserving the sanctity of our last earthly ome. Thursday. A queer petition was presented from some Worcestershire attorney, who complained that at the Assizes for that county he had been severely and unjustly walked into by Mr. Huppuzsron, Q.C., and he wants the law altered so that Mr, Huppieston my not be able to walk into him in future. As that eminently courteous barrister is about the last man ay to say anything harsh or inconsiderate, Mr. Punch will not give his al Assent to the proposed alteration of the law until he has further evidence before him. The Budget Debate was resumed, as aforesaid, and Mr. Seymour FirzceRaLp and Mr. Mringzr Greson did battle. A great lot of nobodies talked in a grocerly way about tea and sugar—the cpicier class is by no means so absent from our Chamber as the French think. Later, Mz. Sam S1ick made a vehement speech against Mr. Guap- stone, whom he curiously charged with ridiculing the people of Canada; and Mr. Bernat Osporne (saying that he had received a les- son not to be Light or Violent) made some fun of Mr. Suick. Masor Epwarps, who may have dined out, for he called the SpzaKer “Gentlemen,” termed the cheap newspapers “the penny-a-lining interest,” for which this Major (he is only a Yeomanry Major, mind, and partner in some mercantile firm, which facts extenuate his intensely aristocratic feelings) was well castigated by Joun Macurre of Cork, more power to his elbow. Dr. Brapy tried to get a Select Committee appointed to consider the Street-Railway question, but this respected Apothecary is not celebrated for his successful treatment of popular complaints, and the House would not follow his prescription, thinking perhaps that he understands Opiates better than Sleepers. Friday, The conversazione was short, but a good many topics came up. Lorp Patmerston made some exceeding biting remarks upon the Prussian administration, apropos of the Macponaxp case, and declared that the Prussian Government had behaved in a way that was most unfriendly, and unworthy of a country in alliance with (he should have said under the ye of) England. Won’t the beery beggars be riled, and shan’t we have infuriated scoffs at the Premier? The question of flogging boys in prisons, came up, and Members took different sides, some i the punishment cruel, and others defending it because they themselves were flogged at Eton. At the latter seat of instruction it is etiquette not to bellow under the rod, but to look as if you rather liked it, or, at all events, are ps to the Doctor for his trouble; but this refinement is not comprehended | by plebeian offenders, who, it seems, howl with all their might. The | Constable could not say whether the Porz was going to appoint a successor or not. Mr. Punch regrets to add (fat the indictable |muisance, the East Wind, has actually violated propriety so far as |to afflict the Speaker with ne and incapacitate him for the Chair, though whether an attack of that prettily named com- plaint be not preferable toa Budget Debate, Denison has now an opportunity of deciding. Happy will Mr. Punch be to say with Ovin, Hurus ad Auroram recessit—meantime he makes everybody else a roarer. SCOTCH HUSBANDRY. E subjom an advertise- ment taken from the Glasgow Herald, It that the Census Returns for gen swegybe great pre lerance 0 the female part of the . Men must searce in the matri- monial market to render such an offer worth ad- vertising; and if it were not, the advertiser pro- bably =~ never re gone to expense 0! its insertion. The Scotch lassies, with all their charms, must find hus- bands scarce, if any one of them can condescend to accept such a bar- gain as the author of this proposal :— ATRIMONY.—A GENTLEMAN, aged 30, of considerable prospects, being in temporary want of about £300, is willing to enter into Matrimony with a LADY of his own age, who can command the above t. ‘0 objecti to a Widow. Must be of a religious turn of mind. Address “Confidence 97,” Herald Office. Dr. Jonnson described a man who had contracted a mercenary marriage as a contemptible fellow who had at length obtained the certainty of three meals a day. “Confidence 97” is ign dispose of himself for a much meaner consideration. He is to sold for temporary accommodation to the amount of £300. As he does not object to a widow, perhaps he would not strongly insist upon arity of years. He would probably not refuse to negotiate with any old crone who has got the sum that he requires hoarded in her st . No doubt he is ready to come to terms with any witch who can help him to raise the wind. Only he requires that the beldame should be of a religious turn of mind; whereby, of course, he means that she must possess the one thing needful. A PREJUDICED PROTESTANT. A CosTERMONGER, in a public-house, reading aloud to a Dustman the Roman correspondence in the Zimes, came to the following passage :— “The Archimandrite, who is a venerable old man, then knelt before the Holy Father, and kissed his feet.” : “Yah!” cried the dustman. ‘The What d’ ye call him?” “The Hartchymandrite,” replied the costermonger. * Humph!” his comrade grunted. “And ’oo’s the ’oly Father?” “ The Pors, stupid.” : : “The Porz. Oh!” said the meditative dustman, “ Kissed the Porz’s feet. Wot a unpleasant haction! A Hartchymandrite— kissed the Porr’s feet. Jest like one. Yer wouldn’t expect no better of a Hartchymandrite; would yer? A kissin hof the ’oly Father’s feet ; in course that ’ere blessed Hartchymandrite be-aved as sitch.” suggests the expectation |-

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Mar 4, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL THE POPE AT HOME. (To the Rev. Dr, Cummrne.) Revererp Docror Cue, hey! Cummine, reverend Doctor, ho ! Listen what the papers say, ell us, is it true or no? If, as serious thousands deem, You are an enlightened seer, Say if you did ever dream What you are about to hear! You, who understand the scope And intent of prophecy, Should his Holiness the Porz Be deposed, resign, or die, J What do you think ? The papal chair Is to be transferred from Rome; — destines, I declare, Read the “ ondon for the Pontiff’s home. = This is how the story goes ; Wiseman will the next Pores be. Bowyer may salute his toes > Well he’ll fill the holy See. In what oily bulls and briefs To the faithful he *ll impart All the customary griefs Rending his paternal heart ! Tidings strange are these to hear ; They must make you sit on thorns, England may be—don’t you fear ?— One of your symbolic horns. Shall you not, when Rome’s released From her present ruler’s care, umber of the Beast” On a door in Golden Square ? When we see the scarlet Dame Sitting there in pomp and state, Shall we have no cause to name London “ Babylon the Great ?” Tell the women, and the men, On your sleeve their faith who pin, If the Cardinal will then Not become the “ Man of Sin.” Cummure, when I once made bold ‘To encroach upon your sphere, We should soon, I then foretold, See the Pops take refuge here. I don’t claim to equal you In your own prophetic line ; But have your words e’er come true, Half so near the mark, as mine? 4 THE USE OF FRANCE AT ROME. - Tue French occupation of Rome is generally objected to on the ground that Catholicism, which it professedly supports, is quite able to stand alone. In justice to our pious allies, it must be admitted that there is reason for doubting the perfect ability of the Faith to take care of itself. Mother Church, if left to her own devices, might lose pone part of the credit which she derives from the filial protection of her Eldest Son. : ‘ The Paris correspondent of the Post informs us that an Italian gen- tleman invited him, a few days since, to meet the devil, whom that gentleman had lately brought from Italy, He accepted the invitation ; and, he says :— ** On entering the room my attention was directed to a handsome carved and gilt Confessional, on the upper panel of which was painted a head of our Saviour; the lower panel showed a painting of the cross. This piece of church furniture stands about six feet high, and appears to belong to the 16th century. It was lately dis- covered at a monastic establishment near Florence, one which the revolutionary events of the last few months had caused to be invaded by the civil authorities. The remarkable feature of the Confessional consists in its internal mechanical con- trivances. The priest who may be interrogating a sinner, and pointing to the panel representing the Saviour, has only to touch a spring when the screen suddenly falls, and a figure representing the devil, the size of a man, falls forward.” The devil of the Confessional appears pretty’much in the same form as that wherein he comes for Mr. Punch, in our popular exhibition. This is his portrait :-— ** A horned brown head, with large round protruding eyes, rolling fearfully : the tongue hanging out of the mouth, and made to move, a few tufts of negro-like hair, fact, amonster. The bands are like the long-nailed claws of a quadruped.” In the original text of our celebrated tragi-comedy, a stage direction describes us as being alarmed, on the apparition of the fiend, by “hearing a strange supernatural noise, like the rapid motion of fifty spinning-wheels.” So, in the case of the Confessional puppet :— “When the figure appears, a sort of infernal rattling noise comes from the internal machinery.” It is only fair to admit that a priesthood which plays this kind of tricks, urgently requires that attestation of its sanctity and wisdom which can only be afforded by the defensive bayonets and bullets of a great and generous nation. But this Romish devil is a sham of the sixteenth century. Perhaps an unchangeable Church has ceased to play the devil. If so, neverthe- less it still plays the saint in such a manner as to need all the counte- nance which it can derive from the tutelary veneration of intelligent te Witness the subjoined extracts from the official journal of me :— “ Among the images of the most blessed Virgin, the Mother of God, which are chiefly distinguished in Rome for antiquity, and the reverential worship that is paid to them, the most celebrated is that which is venerated near the Jesuit’s College, in the oratory where the congregation assemble, which, being the mother and chief of all others, throughout the whole world, which are dedicated to Mary, | assumes the title of ‘ Prima Primaria.’” Then follows a description of “this revered ‘Icone.’” The sacro- sanct doll was originally painted in one of the ambulatories of Sart ERMETE; was sawn out of the wall under Crement VIIL, and | removed to a museum, whence, in 1761, it was translated to its present | position over the altar of the Jesuits’ oratory, where it stands to be | worshipped. Yes; to be actually and absolutely worshipped, not | merely venerated as a memorial, but specially adored as an image dis- | tinet from other images. So official authority itself declares in the | following courageous assertion :— | _ “ And in evidence of the satisfaction with which the Virgin regarded the worship | Paid to this her image, she deigned to grant, through its mediation, numberless graces and prodigies, insomuch that it was solemnly crowned by Henry, Duke of York, Cardinal and Arch-priest of the Vatican Basilica.” The Canprvat Duke or York was not the first of his family whose faith cost him his crown. Such a faith might be im danger of being deemed no better than Joss-worship, if it were not upheld, with force and arms, at the expense of Italian liberty, by the enlightened French people and their clever Expexor. — > ———- SCENE—A QUIET STREET. TIME, 9 p.m. M‘Putimsry (who has just succeeded in collecting his thoughts for an hour or two’s quiet work). “Oh, dear, dear, there’s that dreadfully | powerful Volunteer Band coming by again! Do oblige me, Maria, by | keeping that child quiet 1” Not so Far Out, after All. Asxep lately a young lady, “Pray, dear Mr. Punch, as people say that you know everything, can you tell me why the modern waltz is called the deuctemps ?” Replied the gentleman, “ Well, pels, I unless it is that, as a rule, the music plays dance in another.” scarce know if I can say; in one time and the men

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182 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [May 4, 1861. $ — SS — il A PAINFUL SUBJECT. Old Gent (with tender feet). *‘Now, Boy, BE VERY CAREFUL!” Boy. ‘‘Ou, YES, youR Honour! THESE ’ERE KNOBS’LL TAKE A BEAUTIFUL PouisH !” SOMETHING SHORT FOR SNAKE-BITES. _ Our ideas of the medicinal uses of alcoholic spirit are enlarged by the informa- tion, conveyed by M. Jutes Croquet to the Academy of Sciences, that it is a cure for snake-bites. M. CxLoquezt received this intelligence from M. pE La GrronnibeeE in a letter dated from the Philippine Islands. One of M. pe 1a Grnonnizke’s workmen had been bitten in the finger by a very venomous serpent. His hand and arm swelled up to the shoulder; and he appeared to be at the point of death. M. pe 1a Grronnikre made him drink a whole bottle of vin de coco, described as a “very strong spirit.” He almost immediately became drunk and incapable; tumbled down, and talked maudlin. The pain, however, ceased, and the swelling did not proceed.” In half an hour he began to get sober, but his suffering returned with his senses; so M. pz La Grronniire extinguished both by the exhibition of another bottle of the medicine as before. A third full dose completed the cure. He made his patient, in fact, dead drunk three times over, and so, by putting him repeatedly to the death of drunkenness, prevented his decease ; g him, in a manner, to save his life. Gentlemen of the United King- dom Alliance, there was no mistake about the matter. “I had heard,” says M. pe 1a Grronnibre, “that alcohol, pushed to the extent of inducing complete drunkenness, was a specific against the bite of serpents, and now I have a convincing proof of it.” If, as the teetotallers maintain, alcohol is.a poison, the above-quoted case is a confirmation of the homeopathic axiom, “Like cures like.” Spirit is an antidote to serpent’s venom, such as, in hydrophobia, is said to be afforded to the morbific matter by a hair of the dog that bit you. The like, however, cures the like in quantities which are far from infinitesimal. Such appears to be the case when ge are taken for the relief of despondency, or any other medicinal purpose. he proportions in which grog must be mixed to be administered as a remedy for the bites of serpents are not at all those which Dr. Hannemann pre- scribes for Leow: and tinctures, but rather such as were wont to be taken for the removal of thirst by Mynnezr yon Duwx. Indeed, Von Donk, if he had had the misfortune to be itten by a viper, would have been obliged considerably to augment the strength of his customary potion; would have had to heighten it much above proof. Mere Cognac would never have sufficed him as it did that countryman of his who, being recommended a bottle of brandy for a bad leg, drank the pea | and rubbed his leg with the bottle: Vow Dunx would have required to get tipsy, which byrne 7 and-water did not make him; which most likely he could never have been made by brandy of any dilution, or by anything of the kind short of absolute alcohol, : | ordinary cases of snake-bite a cure, perhaps, will be obtainable by drinking the milder forms of spirituous liquors in sufficient quantities. The patient will only have to take unlimted goes. There is a certain alcoholic compound which is deservedly celebrated for curing the gout, the colic, and the phthisic. Who can say that it will not also cure the consequences of the envenomed wounds inflicted by the cobra, the rattlesnake, and the marsh- mocassin? Let the sufferer try Punch. There is some- thing in Punch which is peculiarly antagonistic to the virulence of poisonous reptiles, THE VOLUNTEER f0 HIS TOOTH-BRUSH. I Lay no stress upon my dress, No dandy arts are mine :_ A sponge and tub for morning scrub, A wash-hands ere I dine: _ Two hair-brushes together plied, (I could make shiit with one, ) A rude skin-parting roughly made— And so my toilette ’s done. And yet, all Spartan as I am, A pang my hand doth stay,’ When stern Macmurpo order gives, ** Your tooth-brush fling away!” I little thought, when in the ranks A rifle first 1 bore, That when gunpowder’s day set in, Tooth-powder’s day was o’er, Defiance in the foeman’s teeth I am prepared to fling ; But leaving my own teeth uncleaned Is quite another thing— By turning Rifle Volunteer . Joun Buxt his teeth doth show, And I should like my ivories To be a polished row, What if the British Lion draws His weapons from theit sheath,— Qut of their velvet shows his claws Out of their lips his teeth— Will there be less of terror hid In that grim mouth or paws, When nail-brush to his feet’s forbid, And tooth-brush to his jaws? We’re ready when we’re called on, To take the field—I know: And though mere babes in arms, well try A brush with any foe. But betwixt us and the foemen, As fierce the brush will be, If we are first allowed a brush Betwixt our teeth to see. That cleanliness to godliness Is next allied we’re told : And though I’m no DioGEnzs Still tomy tubIThold. But tubs and Turkish towelling Upon campaign, I know, Are luxuries which Volunteers Must cheerfully forego. With unblack’d boot I’m game to shoot, To fight with unbrushed hair, But thou, my tooth-brush—I had hoped That thee at least they ’d spare. Tn pack or pocket, fob or pouch, For thee there ’s surely room, Whatever Spartan Narrer preach, Or stern Macmurno doom! Warresre’s Lecat Orrnion on Giapstone’s Bupeer. —* Bad for Surplusage.”’

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Page 200

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Page 201

May 4, 1861. ] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

185

the truth. ‘ it ap me wit ii being. h no to the tru’ them the truth.

schooled to walk. visitor staying in about the matter, turn, [ deemed

final ‘ e!? this head, there next came the puzzling query J r , lected to apply for my certificate of baptism, { wrote that M min Sh in my belief was honoured by having been my birthplace; but I adde I been present at the ceremony, 1 could not speak with personal remembra fact. In the column that inquired if 1 were deaf and dumb or blind, I conscientiously replied that I had sometimes been all three; but, I added, this had been at the instance of my wife, who continually required me to be blind to her defects, and deaf and dumb when she tormented the first time I much to be wondered that it threw her in a flutter, and, had there been ay ery der gain by it, she would no doubt have tried to faint. But I had previously explained that hysterics were prohibited by the Census Act of Parliament; and, as I was merely acting as the proxy for the Government, she must look to them, not me, to give her a new bonnet for telling Her occupation I described as that of ‘ Wife of my Buszum, and Keeper of my Privy Purse ;’ some pretence or other to take charge of it. The hali-a-dozen olive-branches wherewith (at present) we are blest I put down all as ‘ scholars,’ as I found the instructions bade me; though what our eldest joy is learning excepting to play pranks, and to dislocate his raiment, it would puzzle one to say; and as our youngest ope nly ge of one, it almost seemed a joke to describe her as a ‘scholar,’ excepting in so far as she is being Coming next to my Mamma.in-law, I felt paexet to know in what position I should place her: whether I should claim her as a resi since, that she thought she might be able to stay a week or ten days wit and of course I need not say, a has coal ; i he re the real reason why I did so. Putting ‘ Widow’ for her ‘condition’ and a gr sex,’ I pec —_— the necessity of asking her her age; upon which after an cree show she’d been a mother at the early age of twelve, for her daughter had oy oe that she was nine-and-twenty, which I really do believe to be within five years of her veritable age. However, she at once turned a deaf ear to my logic, and declaring tha’ she knew I only wanted to insult her, she swung out of the room with a most emphatic bang. So all that I could ¢ i matginal aikdavit that I had done my utmost in attempting to discover it. “ The servants being summoned, Cook a ‘widder,’ and said she had been married ‘somewheres in the choose to institute the proper sort of search, they might find out if ‘Jonw Brown,’ to whom she was united ‘more nor thutty year agoo, i Forty-one, she said, her age was, ‘for why should I deceive you, Mum?’ OUR PRIZE CENSUS PAPER. (A Letter just received from our Lasiest Contributor, and which only a regard for his young wife and family induces us to print.) \ HEB [Poncu,—Under- SM— “ttanding that "the a 3<\ Government _ intend

nap times "call my study. Seated in my largest chair, and assuming a majestic Head-of-House- hinting deportment, I placed the family Bible imposing] which contains the who declared that, as I had but little brains to boast of, and very seldom meddled with concerns, I ought by rights to call her the real Head of the Family, 1 chronicled condition, sex and age last birthday, only deviating (by accident) one twel from Lee me, opened at the flyleaf dates of birth. After an amusing little skirmish with my 4 name, and Public Writer’—conscientiously described my *rank or occupation,’ haga ig my wife thought it might expose her to being charged with bigamy, as to indicate a duality of persons. Having however calmed her fears upon ‘Where had I been born?’ Hawing neg- that rance of the -lectures or importunate requests. : : thus unbosomed myself about myself, I next filled in my wife’s return as (in point at least of her antiquity’ as could in reason be expec ever had the courage to ask her what her age was, it was not for whenever I come home with any money in my pocket, she is sure on has only reached the a ent relation, or put her down as a chance my house. She wrote me word when she first entered it, exactly nine years iF nok oidiag te lasas the BO penalty inpomble ke psi A ae and not wis © incur the e mmposable for ina it best to leave the ‘relation’ ‘shies blank, and to explain in . pe ” for some ing me a brute, she confessed to being two-and-forty her next bi me call her a fraction of a year more. I pointed out that this return wo do was to in ‘Age Unknown,’ and make a couldn’t spell her surname but confessed she was Shears ;’ so if the Government spelt his surname with, or without, a

. "4 to give a prize of a Se eo porn, —_ SS) of, who has

wall col un umetine ages with more or less reluctance, and rather more than less, I fear, of actual er But 4 wt ikl married yit, but I’m hi sal dont mind tellin’ yer the lady’s name, if Guymink wants to know ’er! “ This ending my inquiries, I signed my name to certify that I had made a true return, so far as it was in my power so to do. Dismissing the assembly, I then took my morning weed, feel conscious I had ‘done the State some service, and only hoped they knéw it; and feeling also somewhat of the ‘Old Roman’ about me, as seemed intended by Government in * Censor.” at my wife) and this again is a clear proof that strangely early marriages are sometimes made in England, for Cook could have been scarcely more than nine years old when she became a wife ‘more nor th gle gl The house- co mfessed their we erin pee een < SOT eemieenee z ore es "

VOICES OF OUR NIGHTS. SUBMITTED TO THE AMERICAN POET, BY MB. WRONGFELLOW. I mearp the feline footsteps in the night Pad through the court and hall I saw the sable wretch in the moon’s light Climb Mrs. Coxz’s wall! This | I felt her (that I did !—I’m sure I’m right!) Step o’er me just above; With shrill pathetic mewings through the night, As of a cat in love. I heard the sounds of passion and of fight, The caterwauling chim es, That fill each attic chamber in the night, Where some starved poet rhymes. My sighieegeed head in the cool midnight air ht vainly some repose ; The cae of perpetual squalls rose ¢here,— From i the new cistern rose. Peace! peace! Orestes-like I Saaileel yee geese Wade ou ! I hate, while : thus you screech, and spit, and swear, The cat-infested night!

breathe this

Justification. Mrz. Sutra O’Brien writes : “I was applied to by somebody for subscriptions in aid of certain t answered that appeal by sending to some else a contribution for certain Irish- fo rs. I t is an Irish “ answer,” more Irish than the conduct of our own QuEEN wit who was assailed by the Irish in America every kind of abuse, and “ answered” that abuse by sending a pardon to a silly old Irishman who, it was idly thought, would live at home grate- and quietly.

yet not

Page 202

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 4, 1861.

POTTER’S LAST PUSH. Ho! strike for justice, one and all, Ye down’ worms of toil, Or still your neck the yoke must gall, And still your blood must boil To fat and feed your tyrant’s greed, And swell your tyrants’ spoil ! = —= ay! 2 <a 7S =—sA SS

t és + Ss ——— Workmen were worth their hire of yore, In the world’s earliest stage ; They must be worth a great deal more In this enlightened age : But all we ask for nine hours’ task, Ts only ten hours’ wage. A \ | = } .\ / Sif. Wy ae

) /) / 7) +nmeeraoon *eo fe Steed to !! iff Ny Ye Uy jill 4, N WH Z We Lucas and Kexx by hourly pay Our grievance try to burke— Why scores, if such a scheme gets way, Our Unions will shirk. We've selfish knaves and grovelling slaves, Who’d stoop to twelve hours’ work ! 2 | og Avotpuus. ‘* Have a Cigar, Fred ?——No !” Freperick. ‘‘ Well, 7 used to smoke a good deal ; but I was rather sweet upon Julia Weston, you know, last season, and——fact is, she made mefgive it up!” ag” What earnest working-man unmoved These slaves could see and hear, At work, while we our minds improved In tap or club-room near ? Our pipes past doubt it would put out, And bitter make our beer. Each hammer’s stroke, as if it spoke, Would ring upon the nail, “That pint o” beer is costing dear— By Kerx and Lucas’ e: And half a bob each hour doth rob, Not counting pots of ale!” And when these selfish drudges go A Sundaying with their wives, Each jade will come it strong to show How well her husband thrives ; While ours will pine for clothes as fine, And aggravate our lives, No! Uniformity of wage— For good and bad thesame! _ For shirk or striver, sot or sage— Nine hours for ten we claim! Be this your motter, “ We stick by Porrer, And strike in Porrer’s name! ”

OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. “Dear Pouncs, “ Brrore this letter sees the light the gallant Miles-na-Cop- paleen will have begun again to take his ‘tremendous header’ nightly in the lake at the Adelphi, which (the house and not the water) I suppose will be crammed nightly to see the daring plunge. However high-flown critics may have carped at the Colleen, and sneered at its defects in writing and construction, which I see no good in attempting to defend, there is clearly no denying it has been a great success, and the cause of its so being it is worth while to inquire into, and if possible find out. Of course the ‘header’ aforesaid has been to some eyes an attraction, and the business of the Cave scene is so cleverly contrived that I am not disposed to wonder at the plaudits it calls forth. Still I can’t believe the Strand would have ever been blocked up with Colleen cabs as it has been, or that by wish of the Police the doors need have been opened sooner than their wont, merely on account of this one aquatic feat. Iam more inclined to think that play-goers have been pleased by the care and the completeness where- with the piece is played, and the attention that is given to whatever can enhance the the general effect. : “* In attending thus to details in a piece for which two ‘Stars’ have been especially engaged, Mz. WexsTER does what few of his profession care to do, and I trust that his example may lead others to success. Though Mr. Boucrcavtr’s engagement must clearly be regarded as a part of the ‘Star’ system, Mz. Wxxster’s careful labour in mount- ing the Colleen, entitles him to praise for making some departure from it. Mostly, managers are found to spend so much upon the ‘Stars’ that they feel afraid to swell their risk by further outlay, and so pay little heed to the acting of subordinates, or the apgetting of the piece. usion of each scene, or add a whit in heightening | f,

Shall I more incur the wrath or the thanks of the profession, if I state as my opinion that the Star system has done great evil to our stage, by making managers unmindful of the general effect, and regardless of the way in which the minor parts are filled? Hence authors have of course grown careless in their writing, and have bestowed their thought and wit alone on the chief characters, knowing well that what they put into the mouths of the subordinates will be wretchedly delivered, and therefore labour lost. Upon the actors too the system has a low- ering effect, for while the rule is not to care about the lesser characters, the men who have to bear them get disgusted with their work. More- over, while this is the rule, the exception of a man who really tries to do his best, and make the most of a small part, stands out in such

strong contrast to the acting of his fellows that the part appears unnatural and loses its effect. “IT may say another word upon the Star system ere long, but at present my space warns me I must shunt this train of thought. For | of course you want to know what I think of the new comedy: which, as it is written by Mr. Sterne Coyne, small punsters will no doubt declare is sterling stuff. Well, ii Sheep be not equal to the Honeymoon and Hunchback, and other of the comedies that modern writers have produced, it at least is something better than a three-act | arce, and has the merit of possessing an intelligible plot. Though devoid of thrilling interest or exciting situations, the story is both pleasantly and evenly sustained; and the language never sinks into tameness or vulgarity, though it never rises much above the common | level of ordinary talk. The action may not be fast-paced, but at least | it never drags; and, save perhaps in the last act, there is small need for the critic to prescribe an operation with that vastly well-worn in- strument, the judiciously-used pruning knife. The three acts only | occupy two hours and a quarter, and so the play is greatly free from the great fault of spinning out. As I have hinted, too, the writing is agreeable throughout ; and, unlike some modern comedies, has enoug

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| Stands while the bouquets are being | May 4, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 187 of pleasant humour, without its making people so unnaturally witty as to drop a pun or epigram every time they speak. There may be nothing very mid the characters yay but they have at least great naturalness, and that to me is a great n. This is somewhat marred, however, by the stale old stagy way in which they are all hurried on together to the footlights, to a situation at the climax of each act. The drunken scene, moreover, I consider an excrescence, and could wish it were cut out. Is it likely the smart widow would say * yes’ to the sleek humbug, so quickly after being so disgusted by his drunkenness? and however Mr. Bunny could have sobered himself down in a quarter of an hour, it quite passes my experience of soda water to conceive. Add to this, that lawyers’ clerks at fifteen shillings a week don’t chat pertly with their masters about confidential clients, and if caught polking in the office do make some sort of excuse. But such slight slips as are rarely shunned upon the stage, although iy mar the naturalness there may be ina piece. __ . Young deserves my praise for her quiet even acting, and for saying what she has to say, of pathos or of banter, without straining for effect. This lady, I believe, had her stage schooling in — and one is to find that people who are born there talk go English, don’t burl our language as our friends the Yankees Ba, Bocxsroxs do. Youcan in asmooth wig and white choker, and a suit of plaguin ——. for subscriptions to the Clothing Fund established for the Ni ed Ashantees, and lining his own = with the cheques that he collects. His rascality excepted, Mr, Bunny is the male form of the wheedling MJrs. Clutchley, so admi- rably personated by Mus. Gexman Reep. Charity-hunters are fair game, @ shaft or two of sarcasm will do the real cause of charity no harm, though I doubt if Exeter Hall this month will vote its thanks to Mr. Coyne for the check he may have given it. He will however have the thanks of those exhausted swells who vote—aw—ballwoom work a baw, and are disinclined to dance lest they should disarwange their whiskaws, for suggesting the idea of a Gentlemanly Partners Purveying Association, whereby attendance of good dancers wag nightly guaranteed ; the order being given for a dozen or two temps men, just as one would order a few dozens of champagne or a pail or two of ice. To see how Mr. Compton acts upon this notion, and is a lawyer’s drudge by daylight, and a gay and sportive butterfly of fashion under gas, is a sight that may remind one of one’s premicre jeunesse, and which I may advise all those who like the wholesome exercise of laughing not to miss. ar Aro “Onze wHo Pays.” FASHION AND ITS FOLLIES. WE much rejoice to learn that the Empress oF THE FRENCH has quite recovered her lost health. This, although it has not been Officially announced, we gather from the following most interesting aragraph, which we cut for lady readers from a country print. Describing how Her Majesty appeared at a late ball, given, it was stated, for a charitable purpose, the writer wins our admiration and delight by stating this :— *‘ The dress worn by Her Majesty was much admired for its elegance and sim- plicity, being of white crape, festooned into full bouffaxs by simple ruches of white taffetas cut en persil. These festoons, by crossing each other, supported the dress in the most artistic manner, avoiding the thick and heavy effect which bouffans in general produce round the figure. At each crossing a bouquet of marguerites, mixed with diamonds, was placed so that the skirt seemed, as it were, dependent on that support. “*It is no wonder that, in spite of the immense display of diamonds, and the utter absence of all calculation in the e se of the dress worn on this occasion, the one chosen by Her Majesty should have been pronounced the most elegant and most characteristic of the exquisite taste exhibited by Parisian artists, amongst them all. We have been informed that the mere adjusting of the dress on the night of the ball occupied the space of three quarters of an hour, as the placing of the bouquets and diamonds on the skirt cannot be accomplished until the dress is on and the whole toilet be complete, excepting the last touch, upon which, however, according to the tiring-woman’s idea, ‘everything depends.” For the more con- venient accomplishment of this most important portion of the evening’s task, a high stool is prepared in Her Majesty's dressing-room upon which Her Majesty laced upon the skirt, so that they are ona level with the eye of the habilleuse, who—under the direction of the head tiring- woman, who stands at a distance viewing the reflection of the labour in aswing glass—gives her orders where each bouquet shall be placed.” We can fancy what a chorus of “How lovely’s!” and “Oh my’s!” will arise from lady-readers of these interesting facts; and we are quite as much inclined to cry, “By Jove!” ourselves, or indulge in any other exclamation of astonishment, not indeéd so much at the beauties of the ball-dress, as at the patience of the sufferer who had to bear the toil of the toilet here described. If such attire be there admired as being “elegant and simple,” one wonders what costume would be in Paris thought elaborate, and how many hours or days would be required to put it on. We have heard that our great grand- mother, when dressing for a ball, was forced sometimes to sit up all /the night before, for fear that she might disarrange the curling of her wig; and to stand on a high stool for some three-quarters of an hour, hile one’s skirts are being loaded with jewels and bouquets, appears us a not less needless operation, and one that few would have the pene or the fortitude to bear. A lady’s maid, we think, is very tly called a tiring wo when she exhausts her mistress’s temper by such a task as this; and whatever her physicians ma: ege, while the Empress has soqecee to undergo such cannot but believe she is robust in health. continue to labour, we That very young Architect, Fadly (who believes in nothing of later date than the Thirteenth Century), invents a Gothic Hatt THE TUNE OF MANY MILLIONS. Toucutine Mr, Giapsronz’s oration on the Budget, the Saturday says :-— “* Whether the spirits grant his bold request or not, the tones in which he clothed it were there be. Tf there be a Marsyas, exclaims Jonn Butt! I should think there was. If Iam not skinned alive, I don’t know who ever was. But stop. Wasn’t that Marsyas a performer on the pipe? Now I am not, but on the contrary, confound it, I pay the piper ! Happy Faculty. “ Graiis ingenium, Graiis dedit ore rotundo Musa loqui.”—Horace, De Arte Poetica. An ambitious youth translated this: “ To the Greeks the Muse has iven genius, and the power of speaking with their mouths full.” ow .B. He has been plucked since.) . “BRITONS, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.” THE jars in the peliding Trade are at an end, we are rejoiced to think, now that it is proved that the workmen are not quite Porrer’s clay, to be moulded as that agitator pleases. Ironsides, Chairman. Ovr wooden wails are being cased With iron plates we see; But if they ’re Sheffield Inonsrpzs, How very Sorr theyll be. The Wiscount’s Last. WueEn the Wiscount heard the gratifying intelligence that no person had been killed or wounded at the destruction of Fort Sumter, he exclaimed with a tremendous giggle, ““ Wh affair!” What on earth this means nobody knows. EQUITABLE ADJUSTMENT, In a very few words Punch proposes to correct the injustice of the Income-Tax. of taxing a man’s earnings under Schedule D, tax his expenditure. agreeable to all—except, perhaps, to the jealous ear of Marsyas, ifa Marsyas | | | | | | y it was quite a piano forte |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [May 4, 1862. by), BU MWP me Uy Kate MW ny » 5 “THE NIMBLE NINEPENCE,” Dearer. “ Hundred Guineas! Nonsense !—Fifty, you mean! and Pounds, of course—I always call’ em Pounds. Ill take it with me ; and here’s a Bill at Six Months. My Carriage is here, sa I can’t say fairer than that, can I?” TAKING OF FORT SUMTER. We have reason to believe that the following were the actual tele- grams which passed between GENERAL BEAUREGARD, Mason ANDER- son, and L. P. Watxer, the Secessionist Secretary of War :— (No. 1.) “To L. P. Watker, SecRETARY oF Wank. _ “An authorised messenger from Prestpent Liycon has just informed GENERAL Pickens and myself that several hampers of Canvas-back Ducks, Wild Turkeys, Corn Cakes, and materials for braridy-smashes atid cock-tails will be sent to Fort Sumter, peaceably or otherwise. “2 “ Charleston, April 8.” oes «© G, F, BEAUREGARD.” (No. 2.) “ GENERAL G. F. BEAUREGARD, CHARLESTON. “Stop ’em! Keep what you like, and send the rest to me. Mason ANDERSON notice to quit. possession. -—_ “* Montgomery, April 10.” Give Tf tla ewon't do, put your men in P. Watxker, Secretary of War.” (No. 3.) *'L. P. Waker, Secretary or War. ** Luncheon is ordered at 12 o’clock. ** Charleston, April 10.” “ G. F. Beavrecarp.” (Wo. 4.) “LL. P. Waker, Secretary oF Wank, ** Demand sent at 12—Allowed till 6 o’clock for dinner. ** Charleston, April 11.” “G, FP. Beavrecarp.” (No. 5.) ‘* GENERAL BEAUREGARD, CHARLESTON. “Telegraph what Mayor ANDERSON says to that.” “ Montgomery, April 1.” - L. P. Walker, Secretary of War.” (No. 6.) “'L. P. Waker, SECRETARY OF Wark. “ Mason AnpEnrson replies: ‘I have the honour to acknowledge the. receipt of your communication, demanding me to evacuate this fort, and to dine before six, without waiting to receive supplies. I regret that my obligations to my Government, and my own digestive organs, | prevent my compliance.’ He adds, ‘I will await the first shot, and | then drink your good-health in a brandy-smash.’ | ** Charleston, April 11.” pars “G. F. BEAUREGARD.” 0. 7. ** GENERAL BEAUREGARD, CHARLESTON. “Fire away (but don’t hurt anybody), unless Mayor ANDERSON will send you the latch-key of the Fort. *L. P. Watxer, Secretary of War.” | 5 (No. 8.) j “TL. P. Watxer, Secretary or War. i “ He won’t consent. He’s not such a fool as you think. ** Charleston, April 12.” “G. F. Beaurecarp.” The bombardment then commenced, and after 40 hours’ gallant resistance, Mason ANDERSON having nothing but his umbrella left to- | cover him, hoisted a flag of truce. | (No. 9. “Mason AnDERSON, GINGHAM _ ay Fort Sumter. “I see your condition through my telescope. We have interceptéd your supplies. Give in, like a ee fellow, and bring your garrison to’ , dinner, and beds afterwards. Nobody injured, I hope? Pere “G. F. BravREGarp.” NO. le, * GENERAL BEAUREGARD, CHARLESTON. “Masor AnpzERson presents his compliments to Genera G. F. BEAUREGARD, and has much pleasure in accepting his kind invitation. | to dinner and beds, As no one is hurt, Mason ANDERSON fears he shall put Genzrat G. F. BEavREGARD to some inconvenience, the party being a large one. * ANDERSON, Major.” And so ended the first (and we trust the last) engagement of the. American Civil War. P.inted by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen’s Road Printers, at tefriars, their Office in Lombard Street, im the Precinet of Whi London—Sarvzpar, May 4, 1861. : in the w ity of Loudon, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet S of Middlesex, + Parish of St. P: in the Coun! est, Regent’s Park, both ia the ~ a 3 ‘ancras, a the ‘City of the Parish of St. Bride, ot .

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od May 11, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A PAPAL BEADLE. FASHIONABLE REVIVAL. Cong, let us wear three-cornered hats, With gold or white lace bound ; Big wigs ; fine linen scarf cravats ; ong coats, with skirts wide round, All faced with silk of variotis hues, Or gilt or silver twist; - And ruffles at the wrist. Ourselves ’tis meet we thus expose, In order that the Swells, Who answer to the ancient beaux, May match the modern belles. Hooped petticoats are worn again ; So now, by all the rules | Of gallantry, ought gentlemen Once more to dress like fools. A BLACK TENNYSON. Arithmetic. the sack from Lonp PALMERSTON. Rather a High Note.» Tue Critic of the Times, speaking of Mr. Sims REEvEs at the Crystal Palace, described him as the best singer that had been heard in Haypn’s oratorio—in fact, as the greatest man in Creation / PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Monday, April 29. Lory Maumessury wished to know whether Government were he’: to compose the differences in America. Lorp Wopexovse replied that Government beheld those differences with great concern, but thought that it was not for us to obtrude uninvited counsel, Independently of graver considerations, Mr. Punch cannot help feeling strong compassion for his esteemed friend, ABRAHAM Liycon, who has just got into his new White House, and might be so comfortable, but for the Blacks coming down the chimney. It must be a bore, too, for Her Majesty Mrs. Lincony, who naturally looked forward to a pleasant reign. But if all be true that Mr. Punch hears, that lady is eminently qualified to be her Lord’s companion and consoler in his difficulties, and though, according to the English proverb, a smoky chimney nd a scolding wife justify a man in removing himself to some other planet, ono may, in the company of a good wife, endure worse things than « smeky chimney. So, on second thoughts, Mr. PresipENt Puxck v¥thdraws his compassion from Mr. PresipEnt Linco1y, slaps that Wor d-chopper on his sturdy back, and bids him keep up his Pecker, anc at his earliest convenience smash the Morrill and immoral ‘lariff, Get your Savings ready, for the Post Office Savings’ Bank Bill is passed. Lonp Monrsae iz, who thinks that he ought to speak upon all money ques tions, because he was about one of the worst Chancellors of Exchequer who ever blundered over the national accounts, opposed the Bill to the last, and wrote a Protest against it, which Mr. Punch did not insult himself by attempting to read, knowing Mons Aquita of old, and » ¢ “rejoicing therefore.” A pleasau! liltle scene took place in the House of Commons. Mr. Hopeson (why of course not Kirxman Danze1, Wiscount, he sits for Bridport doesn’t he? do shut up) had just been elected for Tyne- mout.), anc inasmuch as he had been reported guilty of bribery at the last election for Berwick-upon-Tweed, he wanted to know whether things were going to be made unpleasant for him. Sm RicHaRD i &1 HELD anewe » in the very frankest manner, that he believed the onourable Hopeson had been guilty of bribery, but as a necessary Witneas, one M‘GaLt, had absconded, he, Six RicwaRp, should show ‘he milk of aman kindness instead of the (M‘)gall of legal bitterness, and so Mx. Hopeson might vote in happiness. Mr. Speaker, (who'd ceased to be sick, sick,) Then gave Massey the chair, ’ And the House took a spell at the chic, chic, Chicory Budget so fair. Mr. Horsmay, he flourished his stick, stick, And made the Queen’s Ministers stare, And how he pitched into the chic, chic, Chicory Budget so fair ! Mr. Briceut gave them compliment, thick, thick, And stood on his legs to declare That he hugely approved of the chic, chic, Chicory Budgs fair James Fercusso. lent him a lick, lick, (An Inkerman hero, from Ayr) y And made a good slash at the chic, chic, Chicory Buds ét sé fair. Port Ponca, who takes only the pick, pick, Of course has no laurel to spare For every critique on the chic, chic, Chicory Budget so fair. But Guapstove stood up like a brick, brick Gave Horsman a toss in the air ; And boldly defended the chic, chic, Chicory Budget so fair, D1sRaE.i answered him quick, quick, “Tax Paper, but Tea shall not bear. War taxes: Ill fight on your chic, chic, Chicory Budget so fair.” Then Patmenrston rose at the nick, nick Of time with his jaunty “Don’t care, We all mean to stand by our chic, chic, Chicory Budget so fair.” YOL, Xt. Long flowered waistcoats ; buckled shoes ; A Certain Mr. Crosz, who seems to rejoice in local additions, as he calls himself at once the “ Kirby Stephen Poet and Poet-Laureate to the Kine or B Western Africa,” has extracted £50 a year out of the Civil Pension Fund. To work out such a sum is indeed an achievement, and if the art that did it was acquired in | the Castle of the Kine or Bonny, it may be said to be the last and greatest triumph of Bonyycastiz’s When Mr. W. Srrecine asked a question on_ this aor Bernal Osporne suggested that, as his Bonny ajesty’s Laureate does not seem te have got any sack from his Bonny Majesty, he ought certainly to have got Ras od ee Cy pe et a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 11, 1861. Then an vane the Tax which no tick, tick Makes lighter at any man’s prayer, — The Income-Tax—part of the chic, chic, Chicory Budget so fair. When the clock with remonstrative click, click, Pronounced it a shame to be there ; : And the night heard no more of the chic, chic, Chicory Budget so fair. Tuesday, The Lords did nothing, and what the Commons did was briefly explained by the Noble Wiscount, “My dear Mr. Punch, we couldn’t make no house no hows. Yours, W. W.” Wednesday. The Bill for the Recovery of Debts was rejected by 121 to 23, the House thinking that.debts recovered quite fast enough without fresh medical aid. Mr. Locxe Kine moved the Second Reading of his Religious Worship Bill; so entitled, Mr. Punch supposes, to distinguish the Worship from Hero-worship, Mammon-worship, and other idolatries, The object of the Bill was—(you will sobserve the preterite, Wiscount, and a preterite means a past tense, and a tense means an inflexion of a verb, and a verb means a part of speech that expresses action, motion, being, suffering, or a request or command to do or forbear anything; don’t ask so many questions) to enable any bishop to give any parson leave to go into the pulpit of any other parson in the said bishop’s diocese, whether the resident parson liked the visitor or did not. The House did not think that clerical brotherly-affection would be ‘pro- moted by this eye or gr. nd on division, another of the batch of volunteer reforms which Mr. Kine and his friends have been inflicting on Parliament with such signal ill-suceess, was pitched out by 191 to 145. Lorp Jonn Manners specially protested against placing the clergy “under the thumb” of the bishops. _ Thursday, Lonp Normansy emitted one of his long and absurd tirades against the kingdom of Italy, and was answered by Lorp Wopenovss in a speech in which the contempt he felt for such spite- ful twaddle was a little more evident than such a sentiment is usually permitted to be in House of Lords speeches; but, to be sure, Nor- MANBY has become a nuisance that must be abated. Before the Tea-Fight in the Commons, Mr. Cowrer explained that certain necessary repairs at Windsor Castle are being done with respect for the ancient character of that edifice. Mar. Srrrtine com- plained that £50 a year had been given by Lorp Patmerston to a Westmoreland poet called Ciosz, who describes himself as Laureate to the Kine or Bonny, Western Africa. Lorp Patmerston defended the gift, said that CLosz might be placed in the same category with Burns, and made some fun about the black king’s Laureate not get- ting a butt of Sack. . STIRLING is still dissatisfied, and we are to hear again about this poet. Mr. Hopextnson tried to get an alteration of the Budget in favour of House Agents; but Mr. Guap- STONE very properly refused any concession to a set of men who are really the great obstacles to the rapid and beneficial letting of houses. Hundreds of dwellings would be promptly and pleasantly let, but for the intermeddling of these stupid and griping folks, whose first busi- ness is to take care not to know anything about the houses they are ordered to let, and their second is to take care that principals shall not meet. Stick any tax you like on them, Wri11am; and if it tends to their extirpation, Zant mieux. Then came the battle on the Budget. As hath been said and sung, Mr. Disrazti proposed that, instead of taking off the Paper-Duty, the Duty on Tea should be reduced. And the whippers whipped with their whips, and theeMembers were gathered together in tremendous force. A certain quantity of talk is a necessary formality before a trial of strength, but Mr. Punch will boil down the debate into the smallest compass. Mr. Guiapstone defended his own proposition; ' Mr, HorsFatt moved the amendment, which was to keep on the Paper- Duty, and reduce that on Tea from One and Fivepence to One Shilling. The Marquis or Hartineton had heard nothing—— Mr. Port Hennessy would confine himself — Lorp HoLMEsDALE was greatly surprised — Mr. Norris knew two respectable grocers—— Sr §. Nortxcore would not attempt to answer—— Sir G. C. Lewis trusted the House—— Mr. Dispaz1t had been very much amused —— Lorp Patmerston objected to personalities—— These formularies having been gone through, the Tellers proceeded to the real business of the night, which was to ascertain whether the Conservative Whip would enable Mr. Disraett to place the Govern- ment in a minority. Never mind deduction from argument, but deduct 281 from 299, and you have got the answer. The Government expected | a majority of about 30, but got only 18, which Mr. Disraeut said was | no “majority” at all, because “it was in its teens.” Zea Duce, how- ever, the Conservatives do not storm the Treasury Bench, and the seventeen pennies are again levied, Friday. In both Houses the interesting announcement was made all Company. Well thought on—where are the beautiful new vehicles, parents, to Prince Louis of Hesse. Mr. Punch despairs of saying anything so truly sweet upon the subject as is said in the report of the Morning Chronicle, touching the delivery of the message to the Lords : “ During the reading of the above m the House became almost quite dark, from a sudden change in the atmosphere, but, as it was luded, the chandeliers flared up with a startling brilliancy—a cir ti which may be taken as a happy omen of the approaching nu: initiated during a period of royal mourn- ing, but destined to be bright and joyous in its sequel.” In the Commons, Lonp PALMERSTON, apaking upon the subject, said that he knew Our Daughter Aticr, she was an exceedingly charming young lady, and the young gemtleman who had been happy enough to gain ber was in every way worthy of her. Lorp PatmersTon added that the House “could not but view with great tion = et ae direct — cents thoughts to the anticipation of joys 0 in the future, an which may gently withdraw her mind from Sealing with too great intensity upon the melancholy recollections of the past.” That it may do so, every subject of our Sovereign will cordially pray. For Mr. Punch himself, he will merely remark, that he hopes the House will do what is handsome by the young co and that— “When Louis and Auice are wed at the Palace, He ’ll empt, in their honour, a very large chalice.” Lorp Drrsgy has compelled the Ministers to consent to the sendin: the Bankruptey Bill to a Select Committee. His Lordship explaine at a Mansion House dinner, early in the week, that the Conservatives could easily turn out the Government, but preferred to keep it in and keep it from mischief, because it was not for the credit of England that her Ministry should be always changing, and though the Budget division did not exactly confirm the Hri-King’s allegation, the con- senting to this manipulation of the onlyimportant Bill of the year does not show much Ministerial valour. Lorp Dexsy said that there were many technical errors im the Bill, but it may be suspected that the Committee will not stop at the correction of technicalities, The mea- sure is not safe yet. _ In answer to an idiotic question by Lonp Hammrneron, Lorp GRANVILLE said he didn’t know, and meant that he didn’t care, whe- ther the new tram-roads would interfere with the tt conveyances. The question Punch supposes to be some prompting of the Omnibus and elegantly-attired and civil attendants, that were with so much puffing promised us in lieu of the dirty and inconvenient ’Busses, and the unclean, bellowing, foul-mouthed cads that at present afflict society? We shall want a little omnibus legislation soon, and the present buss-folk had better be warned, for if the House does take them in hand, they will catch it hot and hot. The Commons approved of certain resolutions by which it is pro- posed to enable the House to get a little faster through its work, but there was not much in them; and Lorp Jonn RussELi gave some Foreign Affairs’ explanations, but there was not much in them. Jr. Punch then adjourned to supper, and before him were placed a couple of bottles of champagne, When he rose, there was not much in ¢hem, A ROYAL CHRISTENING. “ My dear Mr. Punch,” said the Prince Consort, as the two field- marshals were inspecting the new Horticultural Gardens, “‘you chris- tened the Crystal Pataceg, give me as pretty a name for this place.” “ My dear Prince ALpert,” trots returned the other Prince, “when I look at Carrary Fowxe’s beautiful garden and elegant arcades, an appropriate name springs to my lips.” * Which is ?” asked the Prince Consorr. “ Ancapra,” responded the Prince Punca. The name was instantly adopted by acclamation, and the motto on the tickets was ordered to be “ Vos etiam in Arcadia.” An Endless Series. We see that a French book has been brought out called, “Za Bétise Humaine.’ It is complete in one volume, This strikes us as a very narrow field for all the dé¢es of the human race to gambol about in. We suppose the subject of “Za Bétise Francaise” is reserved for future volumes. If so, we are afraid that few of us will ever live to see the completion of the work. ANIMAL ENJOYMENT, | An epicure recommends cucumber to be eaten with salmon, for the reason that it enlarges the pleasures of the palate, by enabling man to enjoy the delight of rumination. that Our Daughter Atice has engaged herself, with the consent of her e “ A Sorprp gn tg Bey yO Kine Damocugzs with the | sword continually suspended over his head.

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Mar 11, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 191 THE TEUTONIC SERENADERS. ONES ri es ~ wei we See. cca NY ste ") AN oes ‘(i SSuN Mine ae | Ai By | Ws SUE ee " R. Cuartes Bassace, \ the other day, Marylebone, sum- moned four German vagrants, members of a brass gang, for con- tinuing to make a noise in the neigh- bourhood of his house after they had been ordered to move on. at peared for the bri- gands, and took occa- sion, in the course of the case, to offer Mr. BaBpaGeE a piece of advice ; for which he eould hardly have ex- pected six-and-eight- nee. We quote the ‘olice Report :— “Mr. Bappace. Al- though I have hadnoless than 165 cases of disturb- ance, this is the first sum- mons I have taken. “ Mr. Herrine. If you will take my advice you will not summon any more; for you will find that they will come every quarter-of-an-hour, and at your request one will go and another take his place, and so it will keep on throughout the day. How very kind of Mr. Herrine, who appeared for the defendants, to volunteer advice to the prosecutor. How disinterested too ; for the more vagabonds Mr. BapsacE summons for annoying him with their din, the merrier for Mr. Herninc. The more clients he will have to defend at Marylebone Police Court. It is doubtful, however, how far he is correct in suggesting that German brass banditti and Italian organ-grinders might, by a system of mutual co-operation, be enabled to create a continual disturbance under BaBBAGE’S windows with impunity. That gentleman made no reply to the friendly counsel gratuitously pre- sented to him by the defendant’s advocate ; but the Magistrate delivered something like a practical commentary upon it ; for— “Mr. ManeriE.p, after going over the evidence, fined the defendants in a penalty of 40s. each, or one month’s imprisonment.” The friends of the poor foreigner, who claim for him the right of exercising industry unrestrained ments of aristocratic intellect, will be pained to learn that— “They were locked up in default, the youngest crying loudly.” So perhaps their accomplices, now at large, his sonorous | by the refined require- | who may meditate the scheme which Mr. Her- | RING is afraid they will practise to annoy Mr. | Bapsace, will think twice before trying it on. The Wrong Word in the Wrong Place. An evening contemporary informs us that there | is “great excitement about the Match for the Championship that is on the ¢apis.” From this last word, one would imagine that a prize-fight was fought in a drawing-room, not in an open field. Perhaps, the ¢apis above mentioned means the ¢apis vert, in allusion to the gambling that takes p upon it, to say nothing of the stakes that are necessary for the formation of the ring, before the little e can be ? or does the ¢apis vert refer to the Turf, and the number of green blades that on such blackguard occasions are always to be found collected on ART PROGRESS AND ART PURPOSE. liberty of extracting a few interesting passages. This is one of them :— “* The full-sized figure, as was stated last year, was executed for the corporation of the City of London, and is placed in the Mansion House, with others commissioned in accordance with a wise order of the court, made in 1852, for procuring suitable works of art for the decoration of the Egyptian Hall in that building.” It has of late become customary with foreign, and especially German, artists to make statues which are intended to signify cities and towns. These marble personifications of places are of the female form, and mostly of colossal stature. The full-sized figure, executed for the corporation of the City of London, and put up in the Mansion House, may be presumed to be an image of this description. It is described as full-sized, not, probably, inasmuch as it is as large as life, but as being considerably larger, especially in circumference. We suppose that this work of Art is, in fact, the symbol of the City, represented as a corpulent middle-aged party; an abstract Lapy Mayorgss. There is something in the following remarks :— “ Art should not be viewed as a mere accomplishment, but as essential to the well-being of the State. It is not to be cultivated solely as a luxury for the few, but made to enter into, cheer, adorn, and elevate the whole life of the whole people ; and the study of it should be forwarded in a grave and serious spirit, as a matter of the utmost and widest consequence.” Certainly, Art should not be looked upon as a mere accomplishment ; for then it would remain stationary at the level of the drawing which ladies practise in drawing-rooms. But to assert that Art is essential to the well-being of the State is to lay commendation upon Art rather too thick. tions of her with which our contemporary street boys decorate the walls. spirit shall not check the development of such a genius as that of HogarrH, and that which has produced many celebrated cartoons and woodcuts, which extreme bash distinctly alluding to, The s humorous productions is, in that widest consequence—f it is in any. To the next position we object considerably :-— ‘Such pursuits interpose a wholesome safeguard against entire absorptio highly valued.” From the Report of the Council of the Art Union, we take the | money-making—the danger of our day ; and, in a country like this, cannot bi | The Art of making money is the Art to which every other branch of | Art is subservient—except in the case of amateurs. But who, that Merry England got on pretty well when the principal crea-| people of that class; it is they alone who adore the divinity of that pencil resembled the portraits and other sketches in chalk | altar whereof the front is stamped with £ s. d. No doubt the Art 1 It may | Union itself is desirous of mak be desirable that the study of Art should be forwarded in a grave and | respectable way. Those only who do not want any money ean sincerely serious spirit provided always that the gravity and seriousness of that | decry money-making ; and everybody must be absorbed in that pursuit fulness alone prevents us from more | prison, and finally to the workhouse itself. The pursuits of Art resolve tudy of Art as exemplified in these | themselves, in these expensive times, into the pursuit of wealth ; an case, a matter of the utmost and) the artist who is entirely absorbed in his art, is entirely absorbed i does not paint or carve in order to get money, paints or carves any- thing to speak of, except joints and fowls? People who write music or poetry for nothing, produce works for the most part worth just that for which they were composed, The prize of distinction in every line, even in the clerical, is money. The love of money was the root of all evil as long as there were misers; but there are hardly any misersnow. Weare nearly all spendthrifts. We have a splendid appearance to keep up, a terrific house-rent to pay, tremendous rates and taxes to meet, a luxu- ricus style of living to maintain, or else renounee Society; a retinue of servants to support at a high cost; vast sums to bestow annually on the education of our boys and girls if we wish them to know much; and when to all the foregoing charges we add those of keeping horses and vehicles, the sum total of our expenditure becomes gigantic. Besides, our jaded nervous systems demand recreation; our women | and offspring continually want change of air, and the dresses of the | former have attained to such immense proportions that the corres- ponding figures are incalculable. Moreover, we must insure our lives heavily, or invest fortunes forourchildren. Everybody but a very rich man, unless he is content to vegetate with his wife and family, and even that is not to be done on moderate terms, has to work as hard as he can for money in order to pay his way. The old Mammon-worship is now confined to your bill-discounters, usurers, speculators, and ing as much money as it can in a to the extent of his liabilities, unless he is such a rogue as not to wish to discharge them, and such a philosopher as not to mind going to money-making. That, after all, is the Artist’s true Mission.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 11, 186]. = => ANXIOUS TO PRESERVE OUR FIGURE, WE TAKE A TURKISH BATH! INK, BLOOD, AND TEARS. (THE TAKING OF FORT SUMTER.) A Forty hours’ bombardment! Great guns throwing Their iron hail: shells their mad mines exploding : Furnaces lighted: shot at red-heat glowing: __ Shore-batt’ries and fort-armament, firing, loading— War’s visible hell let loose for forty hours, And all her devils free to use their powers— And yet not one man hit, her flag when Sumter lowers. “ Oh, here’s a theme!” quoth Punch, of brag abhorrent, “* *Twixt ange and performance rare proportion ! This show-cloth, of live lions, giving warrant, Masking some mangy, stunted, stuffed abortion : These gorgeous covers hiding empty dishes, These whale-like antics among little fishes— Here is the very stuff to meet my dearest wishes. What ringing of each change on brag and bluster ! These figures huge of speech, summed in a zero; This war-march, ushering in Bombasées’ muster : This entry of Tom Thumb, armed like a hero. f all cries e’er raised o’er little wool, Of all big bubbles by fools’ breath filled fall, Sure here’s the greatest yet, and emptiest, for Joun Buu! Joun always thought Jonaruan, his young brother, A little of a bully; said he swaggered : But in all change of chaff with one another, Nor JoHN nor JoNaTHAN was e’er called ‘ laggard.’ But now, if Joun mayn’t JonaTHan style ‘ coward,’ He may hint Stripes and Stars were better lowered From that tall height to which, till now, their flag-staff towered.” Puach nibbed his pen, all jubilant, for gallin When suddenly a weight weighed down the feather, And a red liquid, drop by drop, slow falling, Came from the nib; and the drops rolled together, And steamed and smoked and sung—“ Not ink, but blood; | Drops now, but soon to swell into a flood, : Perchance e’er Summer’s leaf has burst Spring’s guarding bud. Blood by a brother’s hand drawn from a brother— And ng by whom ’tis ta’en, by whom ’tis given, Are both the children of an English mother ; f Once with that mother, in her wrath, they ’ve striven: Was’t not enough, that parricidal jar, But they must now meet in fraternal war? If such strife draw no blood shall England scoff therefore ? If she will laugh, through thee, her chartered wit, Use thou no ink wherewith to pen thy scoff : We’ll find a liquor for thy pen more fit— We blood-drops—see how smartly thou ’lt round oft Point, pun and paragraph in this new way : Till men shall read and laugh, and, laughing, say, © Well thrust! Punch is in vein: ’tis his red-letter day.’ ” The weight sat on my quill: I could not write; The red drops clastered to my pen—in vain; I had my theme—“ Brothers that meet in fight, Yet shed no blood !”’—my jesting mood turned pain. I thought of all that civil love endears, That civil strife breaks up and rends and sears, And lo! the blood-drops in my pen were changed to tears! And for the hoarse tongues that those bloody gouts Had found, or seemed to find, upon my ears Came up a gentle song in linkéd bouts, Of long-drawn sweetness—pity breathed through tears. And thus they sang—“’Twas not by chance, Still less by fraud or fear, That Sumter’s battle came and closed, Nor cost the world a tear,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Mar 11, 1861 THE AMERICAN DIFFICULTY. Parsipent Ass. “WHAT A NICE WHITE HOUSE THIS WOULD BE, IF IT WERE NOT FOR THE BLACKS!”

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ON C—O Oe SS ee aera a a's & “oO

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May 11, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE

LONDON

CHARIVARI. 195

°Twas not that Northern hearts were weak, | Or Southern courage cold, That shell and shot fell harming not A man on shore or hold. It was that all their ghosts who lived To love the realm they made, Came fleeting so athwart the fire, That shot and shell were staid. Wasuineron with his sad still face, KLIN with silver hair, Lincotn and Putnam, Atian, Gates; And gallant Wayne were there. With those who rose at Boston, At Philadelphia met ; ; Whose grave eyes saw the Union’s seal To their first charter set. Apams, and Jay, and Hewry, Rovutiepce and Ranpoirs, too—

And many a name their country’s fame Hath sealed brave, wise, and true. An awful host—above the coast, About the fort, they hung; _ ee , too proud to wail, ut with sore wrung. And Faith and Truth, and Love and Ruth, Hovered the battle o’er, Hind’ring the shot, that freight of death Between those brothers bore. And thus it happed, by Gop’s grace, Tiat Death forb ae rd place, ore the leaguer’d p The b ed strand, Thanks unto Heaven on bended knee, Not seoff from moeking scorn, Befits us, that to bloodless end A strife like this is borne!”

MEDICAL NOTES IN NEWSPAPERS.

hr) Ati AS ! | <i Keo Ol) NINO ys 4 1S

items of neous News :— Licst Brown

or ConsumPTion.—The following communica- tion from Aten @. Cuatraway, Esq., the phthisis under my care. In both, The sole remedy em- ployed was DE JONGH’S ht Brown Cod Liver Oil, and now, | 1860, the patients are strong and fat; and in one case(male) hunting, | - atte . oo fishing, and shooting are freely indulged in.” To the foregoing narrative succeeds a statement of the prices of Dr. pE rvations on the | Jonen’s Cod Liver Oil. Next comes a string of medical o “ Diseases of Advanced Years,” directed to show that those diseases may be always successfully treated by rubbing Hottoway’s ointment over the pit of the | stomach, and taking his pills into the interior of that organ. As these thera- utical remarks are not headed “ Advertisement,” they may be supposed to have m written either by the editor of the journal, or by some contributor to its | columns. ‘Their author,’ whoever he is, should make himself acquainted with the possibilities of physic, before he ventures to publish unqualified assertions as to the curative powers of any remedial agent. It is not true that any medicine what- | ever, in any single case, proves a speedy, safe, and effectual remedy always, as this writer declares that Hortowar’s Ointment and Pills do in cases of con- gestion. It is also impossible that any kind of cod’s liver oil, Dz. ps Jonen’s or — else’s, light-brown or colourless, could have cured consumption in the case of patients whose lungs were a mass of tubercular deposit, People whose muerte masses of tubercles have lost their lungs, and nothing in the world can replace the destroyed tissues any more than it can turn a wooden into a natural leg. Mn. Cuarrawar is above represented as saying what is as absurd as it would be to say that Dr. pz Jonen’s cod-liver oil had restored sight to a person stone blind with cataract. Could it do that, it would be fine light brown oil indeed— warrantable to ~— kind of lights. A man might perhaps make the declara- tion ascribed to Mz. Cuattaway, believing it—if he were afflicted with softening of the brain; and if cod liver oil could restore disorganised lung, it would no doubt as effectually reconvert the addled contents of his cranium into healthy cerebral substance. Editors of respectable journals should be particular about the truth of every- thing which they allow to appear in their papers, involving, if erroneous, the deception and delusion of sufferers and their friends in matters of life and death.

A Parniotic Cry.—Lorp Patmerston’s boast that an Englishman dared, wherever he was, to exclaim with pride, “ Civis Romanus Sum” will soon be out of the power of the Porg, and soon, let us hope, in the power of GARIBALDI.

day in a ae per, among other Ne sniocella “Dr. DE JonGn’s Cop Liver Om-—CURABILITY eminent surgeon of Leo- minster, describes the most certain means of cure for consumption— ‘ Nearly four years since confirmed | manmer and grace of deportment, includi aw and % sutering ‘8 room it iste be inferred that “The Professor the lungs were a mass & room as | of tubercular deposit. |’ THE POETRY OF LOCOMOTION. Lis He subjoined is part| Psnsows of either sex, who, by the unexpected inherit- soe gy nav eT ofa hh which ance of property, heraiiben dikdeditdiasten ian amene eS on cures } eppeared. t other | the industrious elasses into the sphere of genteel Society ; men who have hitherto despised dancing, but having fallen in love, are now desirous of ingratiating themselves with some young by the practice of that elegant accom- paints may be interested in the subjoined notice, taken m our fashionable contemporary :— “To wHO HAVE Never Learnt To Danoz.—A Lady of ADULTS, celebrity as a teacher of dancing, undertakes to Tzacn Lapres and GenTLEMEN who have never before had the slightest knowledge or ball-room in 12 private lessons, to go through all the fashionable ee a ne se ae Oye ving entering a room, curtsey, —Apply dress to ‘The Professor of Dancing,’ he. &c. 5 grace of deportment, From the statement that the pupils will be ta fashionable t to go through all the ae Sa nt ith ease of of Dancing” leaving and enterin $ comprised within of her art. In er view, and perhaps in that of other the like Professors, going into a room and out of one, areacts of dancing ; people who mean to be elegant must not simply walk, but dance into and out of aroom. Is this necessity limited to the instance of a ball-room, or does it extend to all manner of rooms? Ought we to dance up-stairs, down-stairs, into the ladies’ chamber, the servants’ kitchen, the butler’s pantry, the library, and every other apartment in the house and afterwards to dance out again as we danced in? The reader has probably been accustomed to enter and leave a ball-room in just the!same manner as that in which he has used to enter and leave an office. No doubt he has entered the room by quietly stepping in ; left it by simply round and stepping out. Some diversion might be cal by a succession of ts, as the footman announced them, bounding in upon the scene of an evening tri away from it as ballet-dancers frisk on and off the stage; but where would be the dignity of such deportment P Tt would be a manner of ingress and egress which might be characterised with great ease, and some aanees, if ormed under favourable conditions of age and figure ; would prove extremely difficult, and provoke immense

Joke for Johnny Raw. I zzz a creetur at a fair, As did astonish me uncommon ; The veace on ’t was a hog’s, shaved bare ; All downards a wus like a ’ooman. The Pig Faced Lady she wur called ; And when the Showman told us that, “I say, you Mister,” out I bawled, “Thee put her on a Pork Pie Hat!” A Frencx Critic says, “M. Montatempert is another Boileau.” It may be so—anyhow his last furious pamphlet is another Boil-over.

derision, if attempted by elderly and corpulent gentlemen | and ladies. .

j ty, or |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [May 11, 1861, ‘ ** Tt certainly does set off the Uniform wonderful—and gives a sort of a Toot on sombel to heverythink, I dowt wonder at the Volunteers liking to wear ’em.” MEE . 8 NY m" as WV SHOCKING OBJECTS OF CHARITY. Tae Education Commissioners have recom- | mended the discontinuance, in charity schools, | of “ Grotesque peculiarities of costume.” Ina school, founded in 1689, for poor boys born in | Cripplegate, the coat is red, and the breeches are—not blue, like the devil’s; no, but they, and the shoes, and stockings, used to be orange ; wherefore the boys were nicknamed yellow- _hammers. The rector of the parish is said to | ' desire the maintenance of this dress, being of | opinion that any objection to it is overweighed “by its picturesque appearance in church, and by | | the fact that it is a visible commemoration of | a great event in national history.” The trea- | |surer of Christ’s Hospital is for retaining the ; | inexpressibly ridiculous costume of that charity, on the ground that it identifies the boys, and ; ‘insures them protection in the streets. It | insures the poor boys derision if not insult in | the streets; and we should like to see its advo- | cate himself dressed up in it, and forced to walk |, | from neue to Apsley House, and back me | We should also like to have the parson above | | alluded to rigged out in the Cripplegate uni- | form, and obliged to make a picturesque appear- ance in church, Then we should like to have | the reverend gentleman, and the other, put into |a pound along with a donkey for a certain time, | during which the spectators might compare those three. SONG BY MR. MERRIMAN. A1r.—“* Hope told a flattering Tale.” As I was stealing geese, And fancied no one near, _ Up came the unobserved police, And caught me by the ear. I told my artless tale, Entreaty was in vain; And so they took me off to gaol : But here we are again ! ev WON \\ N YIN NN Nigger Impudence. Tse coloured ‘inhabitants of New York have established among themselves a Club, in which members are balloted for not cuaety the usual manner. Unsuccessful candidates for admission are whiteballed. INSULT TO FRANCE. (From “‘ The Friend of Religion” —French Paper.) “Anp while we are permitting our Pope to be outraged and our commerce to be ruined to please grasping and infidel England, how are we repaid by the insular fanatic? The office of Mistress of the Robes, as honourable as any office about the person of the heretical Victoria can be, falls vacant by the promotion of the Ducusgss oF SOUTHERLAND to the Beevoee) Bench. To whom is this office given ? With a deadly and devilish recollection that the Mistress of the Robes stands at the foot of the throne when the English Quzzw goes to open the House of Commons at Westmunster, and therefore must be in full view of the Ambassador of France, when he attends that barbarous ritual, the Francophobian Patmerston ordains that the office shall be iven to the Ducness or Weiiisctoy. Memory of Napozzon, hold the last Anglican tribute to thee! But there is more. Not only is that Duchess’s name sa omy to us, her very pedigree is a genealogical insult to France. Her father, TWwEEDLE, ought at Vit- toria, and was at WELLINeTON’s side ia all his other defeats through- out the Peninsula, and at Busaco received a wound, a chastisement from France, which he now avenges from the vantage ground of the British throne, And we bear this—why not? The destiny of France is to weep tears of blood,” &c., &c., &c. Apvice to Patnrers or Sza-Preces wo cory THE OLp Scnoor.— ue you can’t do better than that, Gentlemen, you had better Hook i Sag FALSE HEARTS. A Newspaper advertisement offers to the patronage of Society :— RATT’S PATENT AURICLE. A New Invention for the Relief of Deafness. It is quite proper that the name of this invention should} be accom- panied with an explanation of its meaning. If we did not understand it to be an ear-trumpet, we might, in these days of mechanical con- trivance and moral insenaibility, have supposed it to be a contrivance forlremedying some injury of the heart. Sentiment is out of fashion, whilst Crinoline and Pork-pie hats are in; and hearts are now reduced to their lowest denomination, which is simply anatomical; they are only hollow muscles. One would think that, if a heart wanted mending, a patent auricle might be easily fitted on to it, or a patent ventricle either, and that if a heart were lost, its place might easily be supplied by an artificial one. Gladstone the Husband's best Friend. A Fond Couple are walking down Regent Street. Wife (spell-bound outside a milliner’s shop). Do stop, Henny, there’s a dear, | won’t keep youa moment. I only just want to look at this beautiful bonnet. : Husband (impatiently). No, Joxta, I will not listen to it. Besides, I certainly agree with the CaaNCELLOR OF THE ExcuEQuen, that it is high time a stop was put to this “ profligate expenditure.” Frlurrice her ¢

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May 11, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE SONG OF THE “SKYED” ONE. As Sung at the Academy on the First Monday in May. wae 5 aes nd ar eke ‘ mental ) There’s full many a work rejected, or =e. out for want of s “Excessive bead in frames’ th ” has robbed some do- zens of a place; But for me, my mind is easy—my great picture ’s they say, hung, | And f shall be made I an R.A,! I’ve smoked so many pipes to-day, the fumes are in my head, And I fear I may be lazy in tumbling out of bed; So please come and call me early, and let me haste away, For.I’m to be made an R.A., brother, I’m to be made an R.A.! My Ancetina’s coming there to see how well I’m placed : She thinks my work a “ perfect love,” and thereby shows her taste ; She prophesies some connoisseur a thousand pounds will pay For this my grand chef d’wuvre, quite the gem of the R.A. ! * * * J * = > The morn is come: I rush in quick, and round the rooms I tear, I run my eye the “line” along—‘“‘ Not there, my che-ild, not there !” I cast a shy glance upwards, and—‘‘Oh, Mr. Fairs,” I say, ** Oh, who will hang the hangers ?—here, I’m ‘skyed’ by the R.A!” Don’t talk to me of “high lights:” alas! ah woe is me! My high lights here are hung so high that no eye can them see, I never aimed at high art, yet my picture (so friends say) Can’t be seen without a field-glass, where ’tis hung by the R.A. They tell me Trxto’s daub is sold—he’s chuckling loud with glee, And chums with Brown are shaking hands: him further first Ili see. There’s many a better painting J could show them any day, Without paying a shilling entrance to the show of the R.A. They praise GREEN’s tints so pearly, and StrppLer’s greys so cool, Psha! Newspapers are nothing now: each critic is a fool: “Not much above the average.” Pooh! ’tis what they always say, They ’ve not looked at my chef d’wuvre, that should make me an R.A. *Twas for this I got up early, and worked hard to make a name, Spent my time with beery “ models,” spent my gold on gilded frame : There’s many a wretched man in town, but few with heart less gay, Than he who finds his picture has been skyed by the R.A. Shall I plunge in dissipation? Shall I go and have some beer ? This life is full of bitters: malt and hops may bid me cheer’: Ha! there’s ANGELINA coming—let me get out of her way— I daren’t show myself, oh bother! now I’m skyed at the R.A. ‘* LESE-MAJESTE.” an R.A., brother, shall be mad Our beloved Wiscount, in’ reading a judicial book that he had accidental | picked out of the Library of the House, stumbled over the above word. “Why, you know well enough,” — who he was?” he exclaimed aloud. said ERNAL OsBorne, who happened fortunately to be just close by, “that Cuartes | te Fainéant is the only Lazy Majesty mentioned in history. It is the stupid way /\ the French have of spelling it.” “Ah! to be sure,” and the good Wiscount laughed, and reproached himself for his forgetfulness. -natured MODESTY AND MUSIC. Ir is no new thing to find a gentleman advertising to the world his willingness to but it is not very often that we see the matter treated in so extremely cool and businesslike a manner as it was the other day through the columns‘vf the Zra, which was fitly chosen, we think, to be the pteen being usually anything but a senti- print :— WANTED, to form the acquaintance of a YOUNG LADY VOCALIST (capable of giving finishing lessons in singing,) with a view to Matrimony, by a young Gentleman, Composer, Professor of the Pianoforte, in a large town, with an excellent teach- ing practice of eight years’ standing. Satisfactory references given and req 4 health, voice, appearance, and an unblemished reputation i ble. A fair complexion preferred. All letters | strictly confidential. Address, “‘ Modestas,” Poste Restante, Leeds. The only thing that we have changed in copying this notice is the name by which the writer desires to be ad- dressed; but the word we have inserted is vastly more ropriate than that which stood before in print. We Seat indeed wonder that “Mopzstas” thought it needful to hide his real name, for we should fancy from | his style that he is not at all a man who would shrink from such publicity, or blush at the remarks which it might | possibly call forth. : ‘ : For all his brag about his business, it seems clear that this “young gentleman” is looking out for means of in- come as well as for a wife. That he intends, when he gets married to some “capable young lady,” to make her singing somewhat of a step to his subsistence, although | he may not say so actually, is clearly enough betrayed. | Now, giving music-lessons is no p ¢ occupation, as | any one who thinks about the matter may soon learn. If the teacher have an ear, the work is aural torture, and the pay is rarely adequate to the pain which is incurred. It is hard for a young lady to maintain herself by music ing, without having to a “young gentle- man” as well. In s of the chance of i i business, we advise young lady teachers not to answer Mister opestas,” at any rate unless they have a brother in the background who could come forward and prevent their being taken in. eR It is well to say that “Union is Strength,” but a union with a person who, in spite of eight years’ practice, is scarce able to support himself, would be clearly more a weakness than a proof of a strong mind. We think too this “young gentleman” has been a little negligent in not giving more particulars about his views and prospect his person and his purse. This was surély to’ be looke for, seeing how particular he is in his inquiries, as to what may be the personal and moral charms and qualities enjoyed by the young lady of whom he is in search. That a man should be desirous of good health in a wife is not at all unnatural, or out of common sense. But when he states his want of a “good voice and appearance,” and avows he has a preference for girls of “fair complexion,” | one feels tempted to inquire on the part of the young | lady with whom he wants to wed, what are the advan- | tages he has himself to offer her, in the way of moral re- | utation and good looks. Does he go to church on saint ays, and what colour is his hair? Does he want luxuriant | whiskers, or has he a bad squint? Judging from his style | of addressing the fair sex, and the Sultan and insulting air with which he orders them to show themselves (by medium of pen and ink) before him, that he may throw | his handkerchief to her who suits his taste, one might think that this ‘“‘ Mopzstas ” is an absolute Adonis, whom to see is to fall in love with at first sight. | On second thoughts, however, it is plain that his good looks are not reflected by his looking-glass, and have existence only in his own conceit. For if he have no other personal deformity, he must at any rate be far from dsome in his features, since he sO monstrous an exuberance of “cheek.” = “De Bello Gallico.” Our fashionable contemporary, Bell’s Life, has a column ' every week devoted to “Fights about to’ come off.” Amongst those about zof to come off might be mentioned | the fight between the Duc D’Aumate and Pton-Puon. The above is decidedly not the Parnce Narotzon Column.

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: i ae 2a a a <i 4 ont NAA oS aA ts ST way aoe ees : ony PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

iY WN == 6 Seb 2 We a i i, “ FLATTERING.” Coox. “ Laukadaisy me, Miss Mary, if it ain’t a most like wax-work, I dew declare!” MUSICAL MARTYRDOM. Se Avrzr all, our English language is a wretchedly defective one. : a or two ago, aring the per- Surely fa we re’ when he lectures next on he pleases of our logical conclusion) surely, that language is imperfect which has but r “music” for the music of BezTHoven and the music of the streets.

DR. WATTS TO JONATHAN: (A Spiritual Communication. Medium, Miss Poncn.) Lezt Dons delight to shoot and smite heir f no ways slow, Let_coons and wild cats scratch and fight, Bot tabi naan cela’ ik a , 5, Sito *tarnl eae ties: Your hands warn’t made to draw the bead On one another’s eyes.

A Groan from a Husband. Ay unfortunate victim of a husband, who had been detained on a high stool for something like half a day inside Swan anp Epean’s, was heard to exclaim— “ By Jove, Narotzon ‘called us ‘a nation of shop- keepers,’ and the reproach ‘must originally have been brought down upon us by the love that the English women have for shopping, and of keeping their husbands for hours there,”

A ROUNDABOUT RIDDLE. For the Geographical Society. Q. Wuy may the sisters of Pendennis’s father’,be said to resemble a town in Cornwall? A. Because, you see, they ’re Pen’s aunts,

THE MAY-DAY MUSIC-SHOW, Lrxz many another kindly hearted father of a family, Mr. Punch is always glad of an excuse to take his wife and daughters to the Crystal Palace. And what better excuse could possibly present itself than that which on May-Day was very seasonably afforded him? There is a freshness and a vigour in the airs of the Creation which seems exactly suited io the incoming at Boriae. The flow of Haypy’s tuneful genius never welled forth more deliciously than in the showers of sparkling melody besprinkled through the work; while the sunshine that per- vades it is the sunshine of the spring, that refreshes and invigorates, and brings neither scorch nor blight. Mr. Punch may t his stars that he is not a musical critic, or he might not have enjoyed last Wednesday’s performance so much as, he is free to own, he really did. While his critical friends around him were keeping their ears stretched for acoustical shortcomings and architectural defects (without allusion to which, no account of any concert in the Crystal Palace Transept would be deemed to be com- plete), Mr. Punch was prim hong cate charms of Haypn’s music, and drinking strains delightful to his ravished sense. A grander or more careful formance of the work it has never come within his power to enjoy; and without descending to musical slangography, and mystifying ers with alot of high-flown bosh about “ melodic pro- gression” and “contrapuntal skill,” Mr. Punch will simply say that the tion was as well done as is possible at present, and that nowhere but at Sydenham could thirteen thousand pairs of ears have so at once enjoyed the | of Haypn’s “marvellous work.” If any minds were disappointed, it was because their bodies were not seated in good places ; for this such persons had themselves alone to thank. The Crystal Palace Concerts are invariably well advertised, and if people choose to put) off the selection of their seats, they cannot blame managers if persons more foresighted get a better place.

As the rae | of apr music is a part of education, for it both refines the mind and elevates the taste, such music-shows as that which was on May-Day held at Sydenham, should be frequently re od, and so turned to account. One may call such concerts ‘‘ Music- | Shows,” because the sight of that big orchestra is quite as wondrous as the hearing, and eyes as well as ears have a pleasure in the treat. Nowhere else is there a concert-room capable of holding some twen thousand hearers, and of delighting them with music performed wit such effect. It is absurd to say the solos are perfectly i an that an acre of the audience don’t know what is being done. Every note that Trrrens sung reached Mr. Punch as surely as the notes which he each Wednesday receives for what he prints. From Herr Fores, he confesses, he did not hear so much, partly owing to that | singer’s alterations of the text, and singing deeper notes than tliose which cud gee get “nee else em me be nay 4 80 gran ven, ani not their su 0 e up many a small defect? ‘A “new created me A of musical enjoyment has been brought before the public by the Crystal Palace orchestra, and whatever its shortcomings, it will certainly be long before we else- where find its like, aiam.

News for Newmarket. “Wuat is the geet object of these new Post-Office"Savings’ Banks ; can ~ tell me, Sir?” inquired one coffee-room politician of another. “JT am sure I don’t know, Sir, unless it is to give sporting men greater facilities for posting their ponies.”

A WAG IN A TOBACCONIST’S. * Ox! you call these ci King’s, do you? You'should. bring out a sie te a Gouapention 10 ¢ frond pry it King Clay's.”

in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, aed Published by them at No. 8, Fleet Street, ia the Printed by William Bradbury, of Woburn Pisce, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s _ Eee ae loo trae, fe the Past "of Be eid tn the Gey of Landon? at st

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—_ May 18, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

CHARIVARI. 199

uit s

A POSER. Precocious Pupil. “ Pizasz, Miss Jonges, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF SUBURBS?” Governess (who is extensively Crinolined). ‘‘THE OUTSKIRTS OF A PLACE, MY DEaR.” Pupil (seizing Miss J. by the Dress). “ Tuen, Miss JONES, ARE THESK YOUR SusBurss ?”

OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. “Dear Pounce, “Te Royal Dramatic College (for the benefit whereof I attended a performance on Friday evening last) is, I think, « very excellent and useful insti- tution, and one that well deserves to dip into the pockets of the public. B making known this fact through the medium of your columns, and by adding that the College is, like most of us, much in want of funds, and that the t contributions will be most thankfully received for it, I have doubtless done enough to secure its present welfare, and to draw some surplus thousands to lay by for rainy days. 7 : J “T hope, however, that the public who subscribe so very liberally to whatever is suggested to them by their Punch, will not fancy I have any further interest in the matter than any one of them may in fair reason entertain. I am neither actor, scene-painter, nor dramatic author, and have no hope to profit by the praiseworthy arrangements which have been lately set on foot for the advantage of the stage. But, as a member of the public, I feel it is my duty in some way to contribute to the benefit of those who have in very many ways done much to entertain me; and if any word of mine can be of help to this new College, 1 shall be very glad that op have let me say it. * “TI am perfectly aware that by blowing my small trumpet in favour of this charity, [ shall incur the serious anger of pious Exeter Hall, and be doomed to brimstony blazes for encouraging immorality. I know that anything in 7 way connected with the Stage is by certain of the Strand saints Sowell as Devi roduce; and that, to them, it is profaning the sacred name of Charity to apply it to the work of aidip Satan’s imps. Exeter Hall just now is in its ram- pantest of postures; and its horn is so exalted, there’s no dro it. Exeter Hall is aor eoment its annual reports, and showing how many beefsteaks it has supplied among the cannibals, and how many nude niggers it has put in Christian clothes. Of course while Kxeter Hall views actors as children of perdition, and adds the fell word ‘ Borromizss’ in the direction ‘To tux Pit,’ it is of little use expecting a charitable word from it, and of course far less a ping any sense in ¥ | their speech.

charitable gift. But saints should have a care how they scatter their strong words, or, if not in the Pit, they may be found in the wrang ee For instance, to s ill of the Royal Dramatic College is to prove on disloyal and ane the Crown. While the Quzzw allows her name to the Patrons of this charity, her loyal subjects surely should abstain from thinking evil of it. There never yet was known a more moral Court than hers, yet the Quzzn goes to the play, and gives her charity to players. To doubt the goodness of the 8 and its new appanage the College, is to cast a shadow o suspicion on the QuEEN; and under such a shade no son of England ought to see her. “ Hac animo (which, peradventure, some future Kemsie may be taught at the College to translate) I went to Covent Garden, ‘kindly lent by Mr. Grz,’ pre- pared for bravely sitting through a nearly seven hours’ sight. That it occupied this length of time, was simply owing to the fact that so many willing hands were anxious to assist in it. Does this sympathy exist in other I wonder? Do hatters the hat round for decayed an stricken hatters? or lawyers give their precious time, or lend a helping brief, to aid a learned brother wh ! h come to grief? As Heaven helpeth those who try to help themselves, the promoters of the Coll who in person do so much for it, will surely be re with proportionate success, _“I have heard the British playgoer is sadly apt at times to growl and grumble at not having —_ own him =< his oO * the — of fare pe iday oo surely have conten most gormandising appe' From tragedy and comedy to alaaenmee and eon every line of acting had its best representative. We had an interview with Mr. Hamcer (otherwise known as Mr. Frcater) and with Mr. Tovcustonzs Keeizy, Mr. Protean Wesster, and Mr. Jack Tar T. P. Cooxr. It made me feel quite young again to see this latter veteran, who was as cheery in his voice, and as lively in his legs, as though he were cigh instead of vergi upon eighty. To how many a British playgoer is | B KE the eau idéal of the true-blue British Tar? and where are we to hope that we may look to see his like? When he comes bounding on the boards, he brings a sniff of the sea with him. Stagy as perhaps it may supets other Sans, be makes the part of the Stage or the most .of characters. There is nothing coarse or common in his talk, as he delivers it; but he shows the British Sailor to be one of nature’s gentlemen, whose heart is his Pott’s, whose purse is his friend’s, and as for his life—’tis the Quzxzn’s. “But I must not longer dwell on my dear old T. P. 0 Cooxsg, or I shall find myself deploring the declining of the dram a, and, in oniingaen cit Me. Taylor's clever ‘Duologue’ between old-fashioned high-flown Comedy and modern low Burlesque, The ‘fast’ school, with its slangy puns that pass for wit, has, I think, done much to vulgarise and to degrade the Stage. Through it, actors have been taught to lose thought of their bearing as it bears upon the plot, and to pay attention only to the smartness of For a lady to deliver a near-the-wind allu- sion, 80 as not to cause a blush, has been considered chief among the charms of comic art; how this can be otherwise than lowering to taste, it passes my perception as a Critic to lve. _ “ But the fast school, I thank goodness, is fast wearing itself out, and the tide of a reaction is now strongly set- ting in. Let actors hold their heads up and not stoop to be buffoons, and I am sure the better-thinking better portion of the public will readily accord them its respect and its support. The alin days’ we hear of may be again revived, and the Royal Dramatic College will flourish in its funds, and stretch its Wings until they cover all who need its shelter. “I remain, Sir, a well-wisher to the Stage and all its works, es: y the work of charity here noticed, “Onz wHo Pars.”

The Twa Bishops. From DurHaM TO OxFORD—AND Back. Says Curzsy to Soary, “ Your chaplains are Popey, Who ks at my door other vouchers must 3” ~~ Soary to Cuzzsr, “ Your et easy, ou hold that preferment should come with a Ring.”

VOL. XL. x

Page 216

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[May 18, 1861.

PAM AND THE POETS. Minds in un- dress present an improving study for little men, When our great ones come out, in full fig to Grocers’ entertain- ments, in elegant attire to Academy dinners and the like, the oie of the great creatures leave nothing to be desired except the absence of reporters. Then do they urse of S#HAKSPEARE, taste, and the Musical Glasses in a way that must confirm the conviction of the snob- mind that the race of the Admirable Cricuton is per- | among our Upper en Thousand. Even when a Lorp CHANCELLOR makes such an abominably lumber- ing. speech as that which he inflicted on Str CuHaRues Esstiake and his fellow- sufferers at the Academic feast the other day, the snob- mind is not drawn away from its religion— “* The lover may Distrust the look that steals his soul away ; The babe may cease to think that it can play With Heaven's rainbow ; alchemists may doubt The shining ore their crucible gives out ; But Faith, fanatic Faith, once wedded fast To some dear fiction, hugs it to the last.” and consolation is found in the recollection that, after all, Lozp CamrszE 1 is not a real Swell, but only a lucky Scottish lawyer. __ But sometimes our real Great Men permit their minds to appear in undress. Sometimes they speak without looking up their themes, or having them looked up by affectionate secretaries, and then the world has an opportunity of knowing the true nature of the creeds of Great Men. Punch’s friend Patwerston (and Punch will call him friend in spite of a hundred eccentricities more curious than the vagary about to be mentioned, for Pam is a good and brave Pam, an brother satirist, some of whose New Whig Guide is almost up to Punch’s standard) was induced, the other night, to expose his mind in an edifying fashion. <tmne é Out of the small sum which is at Lorp Pam’s annual disposal for the purpose of helping men of Science and Literature, or of providing for those whom they en themselves have provided for, if instead of labouring for mankind they had been bill-brokers, stock-jobbers, adver- tising quacks, pet parsons, or marine store-keepers, his Lordship has bestowed £50 per annum upon one Jonn Crosse, formerly a Butcher, now a Poet, living in Westmoreland. This individual describes him- self, seriously (and a gushin m, precully to be quoted, places his seriousness beyond a dou ib as ‘Poet Laureate to His Majesty the Krxe or Bonny, West Africa.” Interrogato Lorp Patmerston in the House of Commons, on Thursday the 2nd instant, as to the propriety of squandering public money on a Buffoon, Lorp PALMERSTON replied that he had received many letters recom- mending the said Buffoon as a proper person to receive a pension, and that he considered Ciosz to be “in the same category with Burns.” An indignant “Eh, sirs!” probably broke out from his or Scotch colleague, the Lord Advocate, for Lonp PatmersTon, amended his declaration,—“ not to Burns, but in the same may gol So, Mr. Punch, on such a recommendation from his friend, thought that a better acquaintance with the works and character of this West- moreland Burns would be desirable. The Poet’s works lie before him, and the Poet’s character does not lie very deeply hidden in them. The Westmoreland Burns, fiery, like Porz, Byron, and his other compeers, seems to have had a difference with the Editor of the London ritte. Burns himself had differences with many persons, and occa- sionally castigated his adversaries, but never so dashingly as thus .— “In reply to the sneers of the wise Editor of the London Critic [who longs to put his Fingers in Mr. Ciose’s Dish, who never thanked him for the Stamps sent !] he begs to say that bad this Hungry ‘Critic’ (1!) only got a slice of the same Royal Loaf, he would, like Jack Horner, be ‘sucking his thumbs’ in a corner, too happy to say ‘ toa Goose!’ In the meantime we can excuse the contemptible jea- lousy of a Dog in the who hates ‘that excellence it cannot reach,’ and Man; having given this unqueneiel * sorry * a bone to pick, we leave him to the full enjoyment of his Spleen.—J. Goa - Thus gracefully steps Lonp Patmerston’s Rosert Burns upon and moreover is a| ;, being made to} De which he launches at the scene, and such are the epi 0 those who offend him. There is some vigour in Holy Willie’s Prayer, but its irony is feeble in comparison to the polished sarcasm of the Butcher- Buus. Mr. Punch believes that the Editor of the Critic has been ordered to Madeira, with faint hopes of hi his ever cotarnenee tributors have been sent to Malvern Wells, but the lives of may, it is thought, be saved by a few at Hastings. is the scathin power of genius! But let us now see genius in “its softer hour.” Here is the poem in which Lorp Patmenston’s Burns dedicates his Poems to the respectable black man called Kine or Bonny :— “ DEDICATION. ** All hail! Kino Peppte, hail! Dales Gaain pm Ty euiy balp won thane. “ All hail! Kuso Pepprxe, hail! I'll bow to thee, The rightful Majesty Of Bonny, in fair Africa~ I’ll bend the knee. * All hail! Kiyo Peppte, hail ! Welcome to Britain's land, I long to kiss the Royal Hand, And in th presence With pride I'll write for thee, As long as life shall be— True Laureate to Majesty. “* And when above the skies ond the realms of time! — “J. CLOSE, Port LavREATE.” How Lorp Patmenrston must be reminded of the other and lesser Burns, and Ais votive poem, and “ J’/ thee, GLENCAIRN.” How his lordship must exult in the thought that he has done more for - Butcher-Bard than Ministers in other days did for the Exciseman. oet. Let us hear a little of the English Bunws. He publishes a memoir of himself, is si evta.” There is an awful mystery October 10th, 1860.” , and it is signed by “D about this Detta. Mr. Punch may have his own reason for humbly thinking that this, like “Sam Dowstt,” “Dr. Caxton,” “Dr. Sitverren,” &c., &c., may be among what Mr. Detta is p to call CLose’s nom de plumes. But Dewra himself says :— “ This Enigma will only be known when the is not required—when the Poet shall have reached the summit of Fortune's Hill, and need our help no more— then will the Invisible Cap be cast aside, and all shall know this ‘De.ta’ even as he The reverent omy! in italics may justify Mr. Pusch in observing on the cover of the Poems that the work is “under the patronage of the Bisnors or Lonpon and Duruam, and the Dgan or Car- Liste.” And here is Mr. Cxose’s final testimony to himself—it is signed by the mystic Deuta—but published by Lonp PaLmenston’s Poet as a fitting exposition of his own character and genius :— “In conclusion, we know no man Mr. CiosE takes for his example-—no mode which he imitates, no beaten path in which he walks; but like all great minds, he makes one of hisown. Genius creates, not imifates. Mr. Cross seems in all his tings either f Kings, Bish P uires or Peasan| Fiat colihes cone thonn anf se muungy ahi trasen oF ony GaGa olllion Gum aitauee them all before him! But commends us to his sweet Memorials of the dear, parted Dead ; in these he touches every heart, and in these alone, we say Name will never die! As a lady once observed to us, when speaking of t * Memorials ’—‘ Mr. CLose sings so sweetly about Heaven, that he makes one long to be there !” Glancing through the Poems, in the hope of seeing what had pted this Lady’s ane it appears to Mr. Punch that the ‘special plessare Mr. Crosz looks to in the upper world is the certainty of meeting there a certain Dr. Rooxg, a Pill-Maker, to whom the Bard addresses two long poems. Mr, Punch regrets not to have room for them, but here is a specimen :— ** His famous ‘ Oriental Pills,’ Ship loads they bear away, To every quarter of the world Where britain holds the sway. «« What letters from all ranks of men, Each praise this t, Who, abseil e as when he began. ** Where’er the lish tongue is spok Waft his ae gentle beeeae;, ne: Worthy of all mortal praises, Form’d by God to bless and please.” The other Burns, too, had his “Dr. Honnzoox.” But Ropert wasa poet, and it never occurred to him to add a certificate that the Doctor must be all right hereafter, by reason of the excellence of his

—

Page 217

SEE BORO IT ye ee ee, SE PN ae eee AE a2 ops Mar 18, 1861. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. medicine, The English Buxns is more thoughtful, and appends to his poem the following tribute :— “¢ Thus the great J. SHERIDAN Know es, Esq., speaks of these Pills, ‘ Your Pills are the most extraordinary purgative lever took. Their operation is gentle, suffi- cient, and perfectly uniform,’ &c.—See Anti-Lancet, p. 126.” Genius is shown in trifles, and this last proof that though a Poet, Mz. Cxose ‘is also a man of business, and a complete character, seems to Mr. Punch fully to justify’ the annual pension. But. he will dismiss the Bard with a loftier parting, by adding another little bit of the piety which has commended him to the patronage not only of that eminent Christian, our Premier, but of the Bisnors or Lonpon and Donuam, and the Dean or Cantistz. It is the conclusion of a aM, a “P.8. A thought pops in,—I had forgot, To say a little word, sir: And now I'll say it on the spot, Tis of my own accord, sir. “ When all our toil on earth, sir, Our mortal troubles o’er, Let’s try to climb to Heaven, sir, Where Tears shall fall no more. “ Let’s strive to enter in, sir, PR adn he hoe oes, T ask but this!” are substituted for a Name which (the Bishops and Dean the objection pradish) we do not print in levity. here is the Poet whom Lorp Patmersroy, and ever so many other iritual and temporal, think should come into the same cate- with Bunnys, and so he Ma. Cross the same pension which by mer iy given to Literature and Science. Yet, to borrow from he URNS :— “ Yet let not this too much, my Pam, Disturb thy youthful breast. Pais catlonn view of Is surely not thy last.” And Mr, Punch doubts not that he shall yet hear his friend announce the bestowal of much more: worthily dons, and perhaps dE esig | regret that in an led moment he put an 1 name into the same “category” with that of a ridiculous scribbler. PUNCH. A BOX OF ODONTO. much pleased to observe that the educated and ho- nourable members of a profession which renders in- valuable service to the —_ have united for an effort to establish abroad line of demarcation between m- selves and the quacks and snobs who have brought discredit upon the name of a Dentist. It is true that no thinking person could confound the accomplished anatomical scholar, whose treatment of the Mouth is based — the principles of science, with the Raion _ Vulgar and greedy Creature whose only object is to make a lucrative job for himself, and who is known wilfully to damage the teeth of unhappy _vic- tims for the sake of extorting larger fees; but then the world is not made up of thinking people, and the quacks reap large harvests from the ignorance of the many. Fellows without other qualifi- cations for their calling than a certain brutal strength and a certain empirical i and other fellows without even these advan- tages, and who declare that they neither expect nor desire to see their maltreated patient éwice, manage by dint of puffing and impudence to gain large incomes ‘at the expense of the fools who trust them. It was time that the real Dentist should bestir himself, and Mr. Punch is happy to say that the Gentlemen of the Profession have joined for the discomfiture of the quacks. An educational test, and the possession of a diploma now offered by the Royal College of Surgeons, are amon the conditions of the associated band of honourable practitioners, an it may easily be imagined that the resolution to purge the Profession from even nominal connection with the low fellows who have claimed to belong to it has caused a rage among these disreputable snobs. Henceforth, it will be the fault of a patient hi if he opens either his mouth or his purse toa quack Dentist. : The other day a dinner in support of one of the excellent institutions connected with the movement was held, and one of the very foremost men of the day, Prorgsson Owen, did honour to the profession, and ek 5) g over one hundred and thirty gentlemen who assembled on the occasion. Psorzsson Owen made an admirable and mordant speech, in the course of which he remarked that “the Pro- fession of a Dentist was now elevated to the level of that of a Physician, or a Surgeon.” : cH cordially assents to the proposition, but calls upon the public to take notice that the profession of dentistry is Just as much divided into two parts as is either of the other callings mentioned by his friend Prorzsson Owzn. Mr. Punch is hap “= u- 0 take pride in their noble avocations, believe that the majority of physicians and surgeons are ski mane, high-minded gentlemen, a themselves as sedulously to the case of a pauper child as to that of an affluent Marquis. That there are pestilent r to be physicians and surgeons, who care only for can fleece, and are reckless how they ruin consti- distort limbs, provided they can plunder the sufferer, is Now, no one but a fool would in such creatures, rt, Punch, pointing out to the public that similar distinctions il in the profession of a Dentist, begs that the public will not be greater fool in regard to its mouth, than it would be in to its its stomach, Folks who put their fingers into other folks’ clean hands, and Mr. Punch counsels a tooth- loy the dirty-handed outsiders honest and clever man to study the i ) ‘the ranks of its honourable professors, Punch will only add; in the interest of the human Jaw, that is proud to lend his aid in behalf of the anti-Quack movement. He has no idea (and intends to have none) how keen a serpent’s tooth may be, but the public will be a thankless child if it is not grateful to the true and trustworthy custodians of the Ivory Gate for their gallant confederation in defence of the British Tooth. Scienae, and to be admitted {0 an ml moe Hardness of the Times. wy out of luck, What do you charge for blacking a gentleman’s One of the Polish Brigade. Never more than a penny, Sir. Swell, A penny, eh? Well, youngster, since there are two boots, that’s a halfpenny a boot, I suppose—isn’t it ? : Shoeblack of ew, his arithmetic). Tn course it is, Sir. mn Swell, Well, then, bi y right boot—I’ve only got a halfpenny. Wuat Hesrew VERMIN invest Jersey ?—The Ju-rats.

Page 218

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

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Railway Porter, “ Any Luecacz, Miss?” Young Lady (who is also a leetle fast), “Yus! Portmanreav, HERE, GET ME A Hansom!”

BY THE FAST TRAIN. a Littzz Bay Horsz, avp a Brack Rerarever!—Anp 100K

THE LORD MAYOR ON HIS LEGS. Wao, that knows what is F pom would not have been glad to par- take of the of the val Academy? The Academicians ven- tured to invite the Lorp Mayor or Lowpon !—which of course they would not have done if they had not been prepared to entertain the first Amphitryon in the world in the manner to which he has been accustomed. e President propel Prosperity to the City of London, and the Health of the t = Hon. the Lory Mayor; and in responding to that toast the Civic Monarch said :— sake ee being on this occasion the mouthpiece of the City of It is not every Lord Mayor that is qualified'to be the mouthpiece, in the sense of being the spokesman, of the City of London. Some City Kings have not had s ient command over that English which is supposed to be included among the peculiar royalties of the Quezn’s Majesty. A difficulty of exercising due discretion in the use or omission of the aspirate, has rendered it expedient for too many of them to abstain as much as possible from public epeaking. Even so long ago as the time of Ricuamp THE TrriRp we find SHAKSPEARE ing the Zord Mayor himself inform the Duke of Buckingham that :— “The le were not used To be apoken to but by the recorder.” That officer has almost always been the only member of the Co’ ration with a tongue in his head fit to be employed in elocution. The mouth of the Lonp Mayor has been simply a devouring aperture, and he could only have acted as the mouthpiece of the City in a representa- tive character at dinner, and notin that of a speaker afterwards. But Lorp Mayor Cusirt is a Member of the House of Commons, in which assembly of educated gentlemen everybody pronounces without ever aavniving his H, and nobody clips the English of our Gracious UEEN, A ROD IN PICKLE FOR ROGUES, 3 peo now before Parliament declares the selling of with a false 4 able as fraud by fine and imprisonment. This, if it passes, will be a piece of legislation apparently based upon classical principles, whereas the false quantity which will subject its perpetrators to puni ment is no mere mistake in thieves’ Latin, but the wilful and fraudulent substitution of short measure for that which ought to be longer. It is to be wished that all offenders of this kind should have an “imposition” set them consisting of exercitations upon that Gradus which they would not reach Parnassus by climbing, although they would perform a kind of — resembling too much poetry in the peculiarity of being unproductive, any article quantity affixed to it to constitute a misdemeanour,

The Frozen-in Bees. Tux beautiful couplet of the celebrated Dz. Watrs:— “* How doth the little busy bee Improve each shining hour !” is generally su pevet t he canine applicable to the “ merry month of Ma Mg att is year, up to the ‘aay winbete these words are re- corded, May, has hardly afforded the a. bees a single shining hour to improve. If some improvement would take place in the cl hour, en which at present are not busy, but out of work, TPO- | be deligh:

ADMIRABLY QUALIFIED FOR THE OFFICE, Suxcz most of our Chancellors of the Exchequer have been guilty, or at all events accused, of the crime of “ profligate expenditure,” why not offer that financial post to the Marquis or WzstminsteR? for that is about the last accusation that could ever be laid to that esteemed no ’s charge.

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PRE ME, TRE te TEESE he mT ee i > ey ra eg mee Maree 3 2 Mist ? Say oe . PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Mar 18, 1861. Ek eee ~ {>£~ — ( ZT aa Ol a = ie =: ‘““CHSAR IMPERATOR!” THE AMERICAN GLADIATORS.

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May 18, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE

“THE BATTLE OF THE BUDGET.” Orn Parser versus TEA, they were bad, and GiapstTonz looked sad, at the seat of Exchequer; in spite of his pluck he felt down on his luck, And puzzled to keep up his pecker, his pecker, Sore puzzled to keep up his pecker. * Behind Whitehall scenes we must find ways and means, Or soon we from office must trudge it ; Who *twixt surplus and deficit a ¢erdinm quid Is the man to determine our budget, our bu Ts the man to determine our budget.” Then to lighten his griefs he summoned the chiefs Of far as Fifeshire from Finland ; The Customs due East, by four miles at the leas And the Board of Revénue called Inland, call And the Board of Revénue called Thus summoned expressly came grave Mz. PRessizy, With no end of returns in his pockets ; d Srm Tuomas FremMant1z, of his wares brought a hantle, In the shape of a cartload of dockets, of dockets— In the shape of a cartload of dockets, With subtraction, division, and compound addition, Went to work these two Revenue Rustums; Proved that Customs must rise by the fall of Excise, And Excise rise by fall in the Customs, the Customs— Excise rise by fall in the Customs, Till GLapsTonz grown buoyant, of manners defiant, Over AnpERsOon’s head cut a caper; “A my ye says he, “‘or its shadow, I see, ? d get— Inland— And 1’ll dock the Excise upon paper, on paper— "ll dock the Excise upon paper! “Tis a tax upon knowledge, which each Oxford College For removing can hardly abuse me: And whatever’s got off it, swells newspapers’ profit, their good word they’ll hardly refuse me, refuse me— Their good word they ’ll hardly refuse me. “I’ve my surplus ex Pair: ’tis not like Guasse’s hare ; You’re not forced to catch e’er you cook it. __ In ¥ a balance you dip: up your income you whip; _ or a bad debt—as good you can book it, can it— For a bad debt—as good you can book it. * A penny reduction in Income-Tax suction, Makes p ee But my much — creditor, With the Paper-Tax off, at 4 surplus to scoff I defy you to find me an Editor, Editor— I defy you to find me an Editor!’ When the surplus was made, it looked well, but ’tis said, It would hardly bear close overhauling : . e Quigote’s new vigor, which the good Don was wiser ‘Than allow to be tested by mauling, by mauling— Than allow to be tested by mauling. When the Budget came out, immense was the rout Her Magesty’s strong Opposition. , “ Are we blind, dumb, or deaf? Is it surplus or deficit, Or Cabinet compound division, division— Or Cabinet compound division ? “ Let Joun Butt ere he snaps up the brown GLADSTONE wraps up In . of duty new lightened, » Paper-Tax gone can no more be laid o But the Income-Tax screw may be tightened, be tightened— The Income-Tax screw may be tightened. a friend of the masses—the stout working-classes— ares GLADSTONE cut impudent capers ? He who lives in a fright of Grsson and Baier, By soft sawd’ring the vile penny-papers, the papers— Soft sawd’ring the vile penny-papers ! “Tis we who would cure the wrongs of the poor, In the social scale lifting the masses, By giving ’em tea from war duties set free, Cheap sugar, and ditto molasses, molasses— Cheap sugar and ditto molasses {””

and tongs, Go the Ins and the Outs of the nation, the nation— Go the Ins and the Outs of the nation. Till *twixt one and the other Joun Buut they so bother, He asks where the argument’s ing ; Surplice-rows, he well knows, never come to a close, And this surplus-row seems as unending, i This surplus-row seems as unending, So from Placemen to Punch (the best of the bunch, Of Jonn Bu11’s unofficial -finders), = erthe cat tant ge ae telat Lis tinder, his ders— aa is me Te Oe cee Cracks the nut that is placed *twixt his grinders. _ * off tax-payers’ backs the State lifts a tax, The relief never question, but take it; If a Chanc’llor declare there ’s a surplus to Don’t be curious how he may make it, may make it— Don’t be curious how he may make it. ** And if you inquire which side most aspire To ol good—friends of friends of P ote sak edo aged mate cope n si ume val On side pe volume of vapour. i * T haven’t a doubt, in what Guapstonn’s about, And in that which Disrazxt professes, bs - pee dee a as much ne for you, cook’s for dresses, he dresses— As the cook’s for the poultry he dresses, * One your would free, t’other cheapen your And With both “tis all love of the people— cpt As we know that the cause of the quicksand that draws To the Goodwins is Tenterden steeple, its steeple— To the Goodwins is Tenterden steeple.”

A SYMPTOM OF SANCTITY. In a Memoir of Joshua Watson, reviewed by the English Church- man, there occurs a funny statement concerning a gentleman of a name celebrated in connection with Parliamentary Debates—a Mr. Hawsakp, printer to a former House of Commons, and parishioner of St. Giles’s; in which parish he is described as having been “the clergyman’s right hand.” We are informed that “He was a man of most unfeigned humility, heartily to believe every one better than himself. He always used a ittle erin be letters, not at all out of ieee” or conceit, as the Speaker once bore witness, but out of a true genuine Our ecclesiastical contemporary, in circulating the above anecdote, ublishes a fact which will be felt as a severe hit by enthusiastic manists, The gentleman whose name is above mentioned seems not only to have been quite as good a Saint, for the matter of works, as any one in the Roman Calendar, but also to have distinguished him- self by a piece of eccentricity nearly equal to anything of the kind for which the canonised worthies of Popery — any of them, remark- able. One cannot, however, help feeling that, i one had any control took to es Se by a small the influences of religious feelings, we should be inclined, if possible, to put a finishing touch to the living portrait of a Romish Saint which he would present, by ae his head, The AupHonso Licvonis, Francis Xavrers, and the rest of their cowled fraternity, seem to have usually had that operation performed to their own as well as u storey. Their adoption of the tonsure may be ascribed to a me instinct, which, if not miraculous, was sound, although the remainder o_o faculties may have been in a state that was very eren' — .

The Coppers of Catholicism. THE Giornale di Roma laments in stating that the sum of Peter’s Pence which the Pors has received “ is —— insufficient to comer on a civil war.” The total amount of the subscriptions of 250,000, < a falls short of cone bore crowns. eae erefore, are something considerably under a penny a- ‘apis % three farthings in the brown; and the Hoty Farasn

= than i haps ultimately receive “monkey’s allowance”—more kicks than halfpence,

|

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 18, 1861. MONKEYANA. Am I satyr or man ? Pray tell me who can, And settle my place in the scale. A man in ape’s shape, Ananthropoid ape, Or monkey deprived of his tail ? The Vestiges taught, B on = ae called, “ ive ;” evelo 80 rr Ive 5 » progress Assume higher forms By modification excessive. Then Darwin set forth. In a book of much worth, P ‘The importance of “ Nature’s selection ;” How the struggle for life Isalaudable strife, And results in “specific distinction.” Let pigeons and doves ind eels a telbonet a ion 0 hen doubtless you’ll find They ’ve altered their kind, And-changed into prophets and gages. Lzonarp Horner relates, That Biblical dates The age of the world cannot trace; at Bible tradition, By Nile’s deposition, Is put to the right about face, Then there’s Penceciy Who next will tell ye That he and his colleagues of late Find celts and shaped stones Mixed up with cave bones Of contemporaneous date, Then Prestwics, he With hammers and sd All who do not believe his relation, That the tools he exhumes From gravelly tombs before the Mosaic creation. Then Huxuzy and Owzn, . With rivalry glowing, Wises ink rush to the scratch ; Brain versus Brain, Till one of them’s slain ; By Jove! it will be a good match! Says OwEN, you can see The brain of Chimpanzee Is always exceedingly s bs pe ie eo “horn” extremity And no “ Hippocampus” at all. The Professor then tells ’em, That man’s “ cerebellum,” From a vertical point you can’t see; That each “ convolution” Contains a solution, Of “ Archencephalic” Then have no nose, And thambs for great toes, And a pelvis both narrow and slight ; They can’t stand upright, __ Unless to show fig a : With “Dv Cxuamv,’ chivalrous knight t Next Huxter replies, That Owen he lies, And — his Latin quotation ; hat his facts are not new, His mistakes not a few, Detrimental to his reputation, * To twice slay the slain,” By dint of the Brain, (Thus Huxuzr concludes his review) Is but labour in vain, ym Eo of gain, And so I shall bid-you “ Adieu!” Zoological Gardens, May, 1861. GoRILLA. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Moypar, May 6. The Lords had a discussion about the Canal of the Future, that is to say, the impossible trench which M. Lesszrs pre- tends to think he can cut through the Isthmus of Suez. The Govern- ment opinion upon the subject is, that if the Canal could be made, we ought not, for political reasons, to allow it, but that inasmuch as the Canal cannot be cut, the subject may, and the wise course is to let the speculators ruin themselves and diddlethe Pacha, This seems straight- forward and benevolent a Mr, Spzaker Denison, who had hada reine Ste indisposition, re-appeared, and made his apologies for havin ill. The House cheered him so loudly that he think he had done a clever thing, rather than not, in catching the rheumatism, Mr. Punch hopes to behold the brave Speaker “astir in his saddle” (as Mz. Dispazui’s song goes) in due season, and to see him, like a true Whig, following Fox and ae : Lorp Joun Russzit made an important reply to an important question from Mz, Grecorny. The American Difficulty is beginni to create English difficulties, The North is calling om 4 Lincoxx to blockade the ports of the South, and the out Privateers to intercept the commerce of the N announced that England can ise no blockade except and that she is prepared to regard the South as sufficiently consoli to entitle her to be treated as a Belligerent, not as a mere rebel, and therefore her right to issue letters of marque must be acknowledged. This is a very prosaic paragraph, but Mr. Punch “reserves to himself” eal right to be grave, gay, lively, and severe.exactly when it pleases Our Daughter Aticz is to have £30,000 down, and £6,000 a year, Lorp Patmerston remarking, very properly, that she is not our Eldest Daughter, and may not require the same allowance as the future QuzEN or Prussia, but that it is not for the honour of England that her Princesses should fe out as pau Quite reverse, and what is more, Mr. Punch insists that the money be settled on his amiable young friend Aticg, so that she may draw her own cheques, and not have to ask her hus for money every time she wants to buy pins or postage stamps, or a little present to send over to her dear Mr. Punch, Then was the Paper Resolution moved by Mz. Grapstonz. Lozp Roxsert Ceci opposed it, and hoped the Lords would pe the B to be based on it: Mn. Leveson GowEs approved it, and paraded the

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May 18, 1861.]

old arguments for it; Mr. Bentinck said that water-pi made of paper, but that the rats would eat them, and aided, ooking at Mr. Gtapstows, that he did not like Rats; Lonp Craupzs Hamn- TON also assailed the CHANCELLOR OF THE ExcHEQuER; Ma. Barnes i i would gain by the pope Sm LawRence Paix deemed the repeal useless and wasteful; but said that the more cheap Tory newspapers were read by the nae le the less they would believe in Liberalism; and Mr. Drsrazti, declining to oppose the resolution, said he should do as he liked with the Bill. Then did the House of Commons once more resolve that the Paper Duty should cease—the day of doom being the first day of pheasant shooting next. There was some sparring over one of the a resolutions by which power was given to the police to visit Late Houses of Refresh- ment, and Mr.Giapstonz withdrew it. Why should vous late hours be interfered with? demands Horace, a competent authority :-— * Dicetur merit& Nox quoque nessnif.” ight be 0, Wiscount, xenia signifies properlya mourning, not morning song. ou are quite oe to make the joke, but you should be informed that the ancients used the word also for a lively sportive song—and Horace alluded to a Late House where good music is heard.) The three-guinea licence entitling the spirit dealers to sell as little as a quart of spirits was agreed to, as were some other small propositions. TIRLING proposed a tax of a farthing on pawnbrokers’ tickets, and thought that as 150,000,000 of these tickets were printed every year, the duty would be worth having, besides that the pawnbrokers, who he said offered so much encouragement to intemperance and crime, deserved no favour at the hands of the legislature. Mn. Giapstows replied that there was much in the suggestion, but that he thought Parliamentary ay ought to be made into the system under which our Uncles collar so much plunder. Mz. BenTINcK wanted to know whether, after the war-news from America, Government intended to persevere in throwing away the Paper duty. Lorp Patmerston did not see that the news, distressing as it was, ought to interfere with the Budget. Mr. Dispazt charged the Ministers with trying to press the Budget with “‘ unseemly haste.” The Arrorney-GenERAL moved the second reading of a Bill for protecting our Artists against pirates and impostors. He gives a painter or sculptor the sole right of copying his work, and this right is to have a duration of thirty years. Two or three Members thought the enactment over-stringent, but as Siz Ricuagp explained, it is perfectly competent to an artist to sell his copyright with the ma and there- fore a purchaser can please himself as to buying either the work only, or the right to do as he likes with the work, and has only to fork-out with becoming liberality to become the sole proprietor. Millions of money are annually offered to Mr. Punch for leave to copy his mar- vellous Cartoons, but he invariably refuses such leave, except in the case of his friends the Princesses, who learn at once their drawing and their constitutional and political lessons from his miraculous delineations, Tuesday. Lonp LyxpHURST made an excellent speech on the Wills- of-Britons-Abroad-Bill, and laughed at Lory Campset, who had said that he did not know where his own domicile would be, explaining to that astute Scotsman that his domicile would be in England, if he should happen to become etherealised south of the Tweed, and in Scotland, should he select that country as his place of departure for Elysium. Mr. Punch trusts that neither alternative will be embraced by the noble CHance.itor for many a year, and perhaps may fix the date as remotely as possible by hoping that it will not occur until somebody has made a worse speech than that of Lonp Campsgt at the Academy dinner this year. How much more are we to hear about those tiresome Ionians ? Quousque tandem? Will they not comprehend that England does not in the slightest degree care about the possession of their Seven Islands, and would gladly be relieved from the charge of “ protecting ” them, but that the Islands were handed to her by Europe, in order that she might keep them against—never mind, anybody likely to be troublesome to the general ce, and that she is bound, for that reason, to hold them. Mr. Macurre made a long and clever speech in favour of transferring them to Greece, because certain of the Ionians wish such a process. Mr. Macurre, as we took the liberty of ob- serving the other day, more peas to your elbow, and if the late Mr. Powzr had been a# your elbow, Tom Moore’s friend we mean, he would have told you, what you know very well, that when Tuomas, in Lalla Rookh, sang of the wrongs of Iran, he meant Krin, and that Al Hassan with his “bloody, bold, and countless crowd,” was a delicate igerement of Joun Butt. Do we twig your parable, man of Cork? a! Mx. Giapstowx made an eloquent speech, referring to his own mission to the Isles, and declared his opinion that the [onians are a moral and — people, not difficult to govern, and in their hearts fond of the English; but he added, that they are not only moral, but Moral wards. He, of course, explained that we cannot part with a position which we hold under compact with Europe. Mr. Layarp refuted a

of Mr. Macurnr’s allegations, and added that Greece was governed, and after some more debate, Lonp Patmerstow Islanders would understand that we li very their own way. : came a Storm, about nothing, ce less that. ‘Lorp pr he Budget, anc 6K. (“all correct,” Wiscount) from the son of the Marquis oF Sarispury, but which might have t decidedly come from anybody else’s son. He spoke geance and spite,” of his “ more worthy an attorney statesman,” of his “t »” and of his “audacity.” PAKINGTON was obliged to re er to his friend’s not “unnatural ment,” bat the Canoziior took it very blandly, and gonceded an adjournment, which would give Lorp Ropert time to “reconsider his .? But there was one person who may have comes this display of coarseness and bad ae Lorp Rozert Czcm the reputation of being the author of the fierce attack made by the on Mr. Disrazii, and moreover of having an idea that he, BERT, Ought to lead the However, if E was amused at the rem ome nobleman’s taking 80 — to show how fit he is for leadership, the Member for Bucks did not i A - 5 anion, but oma sem, Senene on_his * constituti opinions,” expressed in effective adding that Lorp RoBERt had < distinguished” himself. B erhaps, when Mz. Disraztii corrects the report of his speeches he will write “dele ‘ dis,’ and read ‘ex.’” After an attack, on his own account, upon Mz. Guapstong, and after tendering to him the information that he might bully his colleagues, but must not bully the House of Commons, Mr. DisRaBil his opinion that Government had acted wisely in giving way. ednesday. Siz L, Patx moved the Second Reading of a Bill for facilitating the by ge of Labourers’ Cottages, and did so in a speech for which Mr. Punch, his co-labourer in the good cause, offers him all acknowledgment. The measure was not ba yes | received, but the Landlords are very much afraid of being touched, and it is doubtful whether the measure will get through. One of Lonp Rarnuam’s well meant measures was postponed, the other (a Cruelty to Animals’ Bill) was withdrawn, after some wretched joking from Mr. Hatrsurton, rage being Holy Thursday, the Lords made holiday to go with the Gold Stick and the Charity Boys to Beat the Bounds. In the Commons the Home Szcrerary stated that a Proclamation was about to issue, warning all the Quzzn’s subjects against any interference in the American Civil War. Another manifestation, but this time a mild one, was made against the Budget; but the only speech that had any backbone in it was one by ain. Macurez, who argued that the British paper-maker would be unable, under the new arran agement, to compete with the foreigner. The stereotype answer is “ Trade all round, whatever ree the foreigner may do;” and what has been sauce for the —— e must now be sauce for the commercial gander. He took a vision, but was beaten by 100 to 54, Army estimates then came on, and the natural his istory of a new was discussed. This is not the Gorilla, but a creature to be largely em _— by the Horse Guards, and to be called the Soldier-Clerk. We hope he will make good progress, for, otherwise, he will be classed by political naturalists with the Soldier-Crab. Friday. Lonp Dzrsy, in a becoming speech, called attention to the alarming state of things in America, and dwelt earnestly upon the necessity of warning our sailors and others not to e part in Privateering, especially as the North had “concluded” to treat Priva- teers as Pirates. The Noble Landowner characteristically selected, as the severest term he could apply to a Privateer, the phrase “ Sea- Poacher.” Lorp GRaNnvILLE repeated what Sim Geoncz Lewis had said on the previous night, and it a be notified far and wide to all adventurous Briti aseuie, that if captured in a Privateer those spirits will be hanged, not a word in their favour will be said by our Government. In both Houses the Syrian question was that the French will evacuate that country a Governor is to be my who nm | order. Lorp Joun RussEut delivered a hopeful kind of speech about Austria, and said he did not mind being called an old-fashioned tician mang Noete notions. To adopt, and therefore to ¢ i and immortalise, an ancient saying, a man is an ass who minds being called anything provided he is not called too late for breakfast. at the appointed time, and if ‘possible, keep the tribes in ik

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [May 18, 1861.

Hit HUlt HNVDUNNAUNANL AAA Hh YPN THN Al MAND A To iI | Ih (\( ' i { \\iitl

<s—

4 $i y y Y 4 Y 4 f — -_—--= os a) Sry i \Q

UY)

YASS “My ‘A \ % VY] \ \ DOING A “BIT OF PAPER.” Pam. “Go IN; THEY ’LL DO IT For you!”

HUMBUGS IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS. Ture are Humbugs in the House of Commons. Yes, there are. It is no breach of privilege to say..so, A few Humb occasionally contrive to get themselves introduced into the 8 fae Gallery. But, of course, there are no Humbugs among Honourable Members. A y, our contemporary, the Odserver, in an article on a late division, makes a great mi in the following remarks :— “ But it is really too bad to come to those Members who continue to fill Liberal seats, and who had formerly been in office with the party at the had of the Government, and who are, no doubt, annoyed because there are ber non of Ym leit for them fiow. Some of these are right honourable gentlemen, who owe their and who ought to hesitate before they hel 80 far as they could, to increase of confusion at home and ab - It is utterly impossible that any tleman, right honourable, or simply honourable b: position, should be personally so Vishonest as o vote against the Govmunte. and the ublic good, from such dirty motives as those which the Observer ascribes to some, whom it does not mention, and whose names cannot even be conjectured. There are no more any such rogues in the House there are villains, who vote on i § wad Fo SE : iA Hil BP B35 te ih i i = | eS i } i £ i iS 8 z s¥

THE WEATHER LAST WEEK. W2ar is that faint and melancholy note, Whase cagur Viet ies thasuak wap anenneit, ose eager i our ov With down of eider thickly lined ? It sounded forth of yonder clump of oak, here bye the leaden sky; = [spoke. Through the bare twigs some plaintive creature It was the Cuckoo’s cry! That timid trill outpoured from yonder brake ! Ah! can it be the Night e? That broken jug! That interrupted shake ! The breeze cuts short the bird’s tale, The throstle, too, as h for cold in pain, High perched upon the tree, Attempts a fitful and a dreary strain, Sung in a minor key. There’s one, an only, Swallow to be seen ; With feeble wing the straggler flies. What doeth he out in this air so keen, Unless he flies for exercise ? . On such a day no will atir for him ; All insects find it much too cool: He would not catch one midge, were he to skim The nearly frozen pool. be eg 4 —_ inet be eter wont $ e shrunk, ni s, her nest rev: Cocksparrows caunot find their children f00d ; No caterpillar for a meal! The badger, dormouse, hedgehog, squirrel, creep at ite a 0 ie oil cath tates 00 iin, m sen 8 ‘A May a8 at the Poles { Ah, how I pity birds and beasts that roam Unsheltered save by fern and briar! I know what I shall do; I shall go home, Draw down the blinds; make up a roaring fire ;. Command a basin of hot soup, and dine On Christmas beef; and, having fed, Brew for myself a of spiced wine; Have that, and go to bed.

Joking Combined with Business. We have it on very good authority (that of one of the 135 young ladies engaged there) t in the leases of the London Com their numerous offices are

” pany, out alluded to as “ these messages and

Printed by William B » of No. 13, U. eR REE A of Middlesex, and Whitefriars, City of Pri a or treet, in ters, at their Office in Lombard 3: Mallett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in the Precinct Frederick the Precinct of Whitefriars, City of London, and Published by them at No. 95, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of .

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ey a Ze in ‘A = Tovucustong. “ Thou art in a parlous state, Shepherd.” As You Like It. And wage intestine war, Not either of you in the right : hat simpletons you are! Too our And when your C00! “ Snakes!” you will bellow, “ Have been such ’tarnal fools Blow out each other’ ill be ap t what a few To show, when all is done. And not a d won, sat tes nh wi er, e e Of slang, bound Lach other will a lick ? You everlastin’ dolts, forbear ! Youll chaw each other ike those enny When they had better Improvin’ off the rats, friendly yet once more ; Creation, as before ! ; my word upon, re is most wrong. I do declare [ am afraid , To say which worse bebaves, The N imposing bonds on Trade, Or that Man enslaves. And here you are about to fight, you will see, "How could we One thing is certain ; that if you 's brains, h ’s skull contains. You'll have just nothing for your cost, Greatness and glory you’!! have lost ; Op ietaes to us by blood, and by each to each, All-fired gonies, softhorn’d pair, Throw down your arms right slick. up, you two, cats, things to do, Now come, shake hands, together jog Whip one another not: and flog PUNCH’S ESSENCE Ol’ PARLIAMENT. May 13¢h, Monday. The Lords were engaged upon a subject of course utterly unworthy to occupy the time of well-dressed gentlemen who read Horacg, back Diophantus, and applaud Garis, but which somehow did manage to interest them for a good while. Lorp SHaFrEsBuRyY is exceedingly irate at that part of the Report of the Education Commissioners which refers to the Ragged Schools, and eosin he expressed his wrath in very strong language. He described the Report as untrue, unfair, and ungencrous, The Education Com- missioners do not think the Ragged Schools sufficiently sound in theory or advantageous in practice to entitle them to Government aid. The Commissioners object to the want of regularity and discipline in the Schools and to the recognition of habitual dirtiness as a con- dition to be tolerated in a pupil. They also urge that the schools draw away children from better schools, where the system is more rigid. Lorn SHarressury replies, that we are not to wait for a perfect system before doing anything, but are to try to do our best, that the poor regard these schools as a recognition of their class, that in peg people of “the poorer sort” have contributed nearly £250,000 for the schools, that the influence of the school children upon their parents is often very beneficial, and that the great hindrance to doing much more good is the horrible Home of the very poor. He did not want Government money, but considered that the schools had a perfect right to it. He injured a cause by intemperate language, and made, more suo, reference to the Almighty, and talked of protests — Vile Slanders. The Colonial Secretary, on the part of the mmissioners, said that Lorn SHarrespuny was exciting himself needlessly, and that he ought not to use before the Lords the “grandiose” style that suite Exeter Hall, He did not set up like Loxp Suaarrzspunry a “ hyper-claim to infallibility,” but considered the great National Schools, on which millions were spent, of \far more im- portance than these hools, And he added that these schools did claim Government money, and Lop SuarrespuRy was not entitled to be their mouthpiece. Mz, Rozsvcx had been informed and believed that in the minority against the Repeal of the Paper Duty, there appeared a gentleman who was not mentall at The Member for She House, and an exp ion of that person had ified to take part in any business brought the subject before: the the individual tio me a tated a . f indivi in question. was 8) that person hed been perturbed, and that he had voluntarily retired to by a friend the mind of an asylum, into which he could not be received until two medical men justify inquiry tation of facts. placed under no restraint, and, ch the House, did 0, conversed rationally, voted, and Mr. Punch, having recorded the circumstan had given a certificate couched in language so strong as ify i whether the document were a formality or a represen- But it was also stated that the Member alluded to was i choosing to come from the asylum to perfectly to went away y. leaves an unp! t subject, with the single remark that though, as it oy the regis- im arises. In these for a certain on both sides use sound discretion when any tration of the vote was of no consequence, it will be we that whippers- similar case days people are not so reverent as of old, and cause kind of talk should be avoided. The rule is not now quicquid delirant * * * plectuntur Achivi, in regard to Kings, Lords, or Commons, Sligo, delivered his maiden speech the Paper Duty to the vigorously on the other side, i cry “Tea against Paper” would be a good one with of “ Lords against Commons ” might not be one we thi can! ERS, who d after some more debating, erat Beige Bre he Bo Bad ees This signi am manner—brought up Lorp JoHN the One Bill device as cowardly, and smart address from Mn. Wurresrpz, who ed of the marriage between repeal and supply, a spiri Joun RussExLL, and some more t nonsense Crctt, there was a struggle on was op by the Government, but stow laug 8 Disraziz. A couple of divisions, 247 to 164, and mutant, aad then, he motion being again made, Budget again; Mz. Macponocu, Conservative-lawyer, Member for de against the annexing the of the Budget. Sm James Grauam came out and told the Opposition that the the masses, the cry e ve hint—in the old L a inst the validity reply from Lozp eye eye ye mente t i journment, w! "et stersly demanded by Min. rie Tuesday. Lory Brovenam elicited from Lory WoprHovse the in- VOL, XL.

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ere * ee eee t FNC H, OR ss cleat LON DON CH ARIVARI.

formation that though would probably re-annex St. Doniingo, Chedid not intend ta eteblish Blavery there. ; Mapemorsettz Apgtma Patrt was to make her dé at the Royal Italian Opera, as Amina in the Sonnambula, and Mr, Punch, of course, counted out the House, and adjourned to Mr. Gre’s theatre. Thanks to the exertions of the young vocalist, her seneey black eyes, and his own ortable s Mr, Pune passed a far pleasanter‘evening than he would have had at Westminster, and he is happy to have ata note-worthy first appearance, He wishes, ovever, that ladies of distinction would take names on which wits of i jon cannot make silly little jokes, for he has already received of about Parm’s first ap- several volleys of nonsense, pearance in Martha, and much folly based upon the unfounded assump- tion that paté, or its “patty,” issounded in the same manner as the name of the ~eyed young lady of Madrid. The Diva, Gist was in a box, and warmly ap ong, bee young successor, as became a true artist, and Mr. beholding this, kissed his hand elabora to Mapame Gais!, begs to explain that what she probably took for impertinence, was really adoration. Wednesday. Why is the House of Commons like a Scotch cottage P Because it contains a Burtanda Ben. We fort Second Reading of a Bill for giving new trials in criminal cases. The Home Secretary said mnocent persons were never convicted, that juries would cease to exercise forbearance, and would find every- body if responsibility were removed i a system of revision of verdicts, that every convicted culprit would of course demand a new trial on the chance of getting off, and, finally, that there was no reseon. tampering with the system of the country. So the Bill was rejecte Mr. Murz brought ina Bill about Scotch herrings, but whether it was to give them the franchise, or allow them to marry their wives’ sisters, or to compel them to be vaccinated compulsorily, Mr. Punch could not hear. as the article irreverently called in a “magistrate” deserves the best attention of the legislature and of the epicure. Thursday. A discussion on the Proclamation against interfering in the American quarrel was terminated by Lonp ELLENnBoRovGn’s sen- sible remark, that though the proceedings of that night might tend to the former moved the} i ee bn wat ong, thet 0 fish so uncommonly good | heeause cast a doubt upon the right of the North ‘oh : . mearnsii espe top t

some stuff. one Bad In the Commons there was nothing done or said, except a. question was raised which throws light upon twe THomas that must be Greek to the present ion -— Tot wee # maine 5 Once wpon a time there was a vicar named Bregxs, who interfered with a monument which a Mas. Awne Somebody had erected to her ushand. The Bisnor or Rrrow (Dr, BickeRstetu, the Minister igion’s chief pets) has and the ease of the affair. It is z

A YOUNG LADY ARCHITECTURALLY SURVEYED. a a ¢€ tis ius now is your court ye id ge att Wie (tran 5 ship in the country ry id

A \> ‘a how is your court- getting on?” said DESTRUCTION OF TISSUE. “* We might allege, in answer to the tee-totaller, that the drinking of wine and spirits is beneficial, inasmuch as it tends to prevent the destruction of tissue.”— Saturday Review. P Oz, thanks, dear Review, for that comforting creed, Pet Ae Caries to ApoL- For joining with Temperance Humbug the issue, it Puus, as they were In Jounson and Wexster in future we ’ll PR leaning over the rails For “ drinking”’—“ preventing destruction of tissue,” in the Row at Hyde Park. “ Charming, Mrs. Browy, when your husband comes late from the club,

but I had not known her'three weeks before, I can assure you, I changed her into a perfeet brick.” And the his own folly, as though he had been a practised wit,

Giving Gye a Lift. Descrisine the débiit last week of Ma’amsztte Parti, whose per- ormance seemed to promise us a second Jenny Linp, one of the critics made remark that she “raised the house en masse to a high pitch of excitement.” On reading this, the Wiscount, who chanced to be just then in one of his facetious moods, observed to his friend Bernat, “ Raised the house, did she? Why really, then, she must be quite a Hoister Patri!”

Tue Tune To WRITTEN.—“ Roe, brothers, Roe.’ my dear boy, ox ne peut pas mieux,” was the enthusiastic *s quick answer, “though strange to say, my success is the reverse of that capital beauty, when first I knew her, was nothing but —— youngster laughed over WHICH THE {SALMON-CONSERVATIVE ReErorT 1s Don’t push him away as he offers to kiss you, His step may be totty, but spare him the snub, He’s been only preventing destruction of tissue, You actor, aceustomed to tipple o’ nights, i pedantic spectators take umbrage and hiss you, Come down, with a satisfied grin, to the lights, tissue. of the Emperor who And say you’ve prevented destruction = mnod My Diner-out, if you don’t take the hint, you ’re an ass ; beauty, whom in hen you sit by a matron with elegant fichw, , every sense of the Don’t ask her to let you replenish her glass, — world I may call a But beg she ’ll prevent the destruction of tissue, O Dante in judgment, for teaching that word, You cannot conceive what fortune we wish you: Punch fills up a bumper, the downy old bird, And prevents, in your honour, destruction of tissue.

Unfeeling Mockery. Crossinc sweepers have a most reprehensible way of insulting mis- fortune. With your boots already splashed by walking in the dirt, you cross the street where they have swept it, and then they get in the way and touch their hats to you.

ONLY A LETTER BETWEEN ’EM. THE two heroes of G pila warfare—GaRIBALDI and CHArLLv.

Letrens or Manx.—Z, 8. D.

~ Por <e fi ee mies OF Bi pe AM eae is oan ae

a te x : a fe; es ta BY: aa

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDO hd re aS bereits Re pats Page Liar pea eB ics gana THE SALMON’S REMONSTRANCE. “ Hzca! the Consairvation o’sewmon!” ( a twenty-pound Tweed King of Fishes,) “ Ye’ll alloo me to use the word ‘gawmon,’ QO” a’ sic consairvative wishes ! “ Great your care to presairve us a ; From leaps and teas traps ay poachers, From stake-nets and and weirs, And a’ sic illecit “* Itsel’ yon Commission delivers _ Ia wi’ burnin’, On the fu’ fish that’s fene the rivers, And the spent fish that’s killed in returnin’. 7? 'd grilse, and , and lost roe, ee see ee ; For the whole genus sawmo they show A love that just teckles the tribe. “ Till there ’s some o” our ten-pounders wishin, (It’s an outbreak of qome sawmon vanity, ) An address to present the Commission, O”’ thanks, for their philosawmonity, “\o my mind siccan love’s no that common ; a =e iblins a wee Aa icious think gayan O° sawmon, Tf we wore nn tos gade when ye ath us: “ Gin they ’d just pit their buiks on the shelves, heir Commiss: Reports, and sic clavers— And leave us puir to oor-selves, We'd ask for nace lawmakers’ favours. “ We’re mickle obleeged for your care; But we ’d no wish sic love to As that which its aim maun declare To be sawmon at four-pence the pound ! * Deil a thanks we owe ye for your pains To consairve us and us to breed, That looks but to polish our banes, And mak souché o’ us and oor seed.” “ WHAT IS A TACK?” Two long evenings last week were lost on the above question, and we can only my, that we were just as wise in the end as we were in the inning. ter Hon. Members’ had tacked and tacked about for we can’t recollect how many hours, we were as far off from the truth as ever. It wasn’t even in sight. Such {legal apcigaionn betrays great ignorance of the coasts that our parliamentary colliers are anxious to explore. A First Lord of the Admiralty would do better. Our answer, if the House had had the good sense to put the question to us, would have been this: “A-Tack 1s what a Tory excels in, especially if a Chancellor of the Exchequer, like Mr. Giapstows, is the object to be fired at, though there are occasions when a Tory is just as clever in defence as he is in a-tack. The plural of ‘a tack’ is, we suppose, Tax, but that is a talent of such an imposing nature, and one that is so equally balanced between the two parties, that it is really difficult to say whether the Whigs or Tories display the greatest cleverness in ii We once heard a celebrated fishmonger say of ‘an equally celebrated author, “Sir, he’s a man of wery great talons, but not the slightest tack.” So, that is precisely the verdict we should impartially pass on the protracted debate of those two dreary evenings. We think that the Tories on that occasion displayed an immensity of “talons,” but not the slightest “Tack.” In fact, this same blessed “Tack” was meant to have been a clencher, a regular dead hit, but it missed the Governments coffin in which it was intended to have been the last nail. pyre you will see the Tories will hammer away at it again for a The Parliamentary Bore. Tue tedious and unprofitable speeches which have been delivered in the House of Commons on the subject of the Paper Duties and the Budget, were so long that they converted every British newspaper that reported them into a mere Journal des Débats, _ Tee Narune or tae Anrmat.—The Hon. Member for Sheffield is accused of lacerating people’s feelings. But what else could you IRE AMANTIUM.' * saith the Latin, and * Sorrow fimds, and finds too late, To wound us is to And Love is Bach take tt chews pardon.” loves of England ‘and BR Es keno affair, Glearly puovad that Pressic ment be in the 1h e soaps him of quoting from his address raps a Morning Advertiser would beautifully say, dude Prussia has exercised of a in Bogland, = “T cannot forget that the Macpowa.p, in casting a further punishment, ted English travellers These historical allegations so bse 8 pee right inacomting a lying charge against Caprarn Er reacting thats higal Hersam lee Sasa in su eir ‘un Ww as “ ~ guards ” and finally, in proclaiming through the mouth of their Minister that an English gentleman had “ laid violent hands on a lady,” the truth being that the lady’s companion committed a vulgar ou’ on Captain Macpowatp—all these acts on the part of the Prassienstie so admirably vindicated by the queer historical sketch offered by the Baron, that Mr. Punch hopes the ceorerey wey now cease, ILLIAM OF OnanGE and WexiincTon settle it all.. 1t was not “ superfluous to allude to Waterloo,” for the wreath of second-hand laurel then won by Prussia receives a fresh leaf from her less dis putable victory over Captarn Macpona.p. ANOTHER OF HARPER TWELVETREES’S RECEIPTS. (ADVERTISEMENT. } Mz. Hanrer Twetvetazzs, Vermin-destroying powder manufac- turer, patent washing-crystal inventor, &c., &., oe been reqe by numerous patrons to offer the public a receipt for rising In the world beg respectfully to comply. At a soirée recently given to him Mz. Wasuinctus Witxs, the Reverend Ms. Sopnunst, Mr. zoRcE THOMPSON, and some other of the most eminent men of the ams, Ee Tweivetxezs had the pleasure of promulgating this receipt verbatim, that is, by word of mouth. But as there’ may be some pntes - = world who were not oe soirée, _ ae to is ipt in question, and he assures the pu i be Found fully page a as any of his other inventions :— L “ Mr. Twetverazes referred to the history of his life, and assured those who were struggling to rise in the world that a man having the mainspring of religion within him would rise the yop of industry and integrity. He was not ashamed to say that he blended religion with his business.” N.B. Mx. Twatvernezs would add that the mainspring of religion must be hs lubricated with the oil of wide-awakishness, and that in blendi j with business, care must be taken not to put in too much of the icle, or the wings may not be found to work, Cool the mixture with pufis from Twetvernexs’s Patent Advertising Bellows. ni “ard Lines.” A Symrarmetic soul says that the shareholders who have invested their money in the Atlantic and Bed Sea Telegraphs must think them both “ extremely hard lines.” NEW TRANSLATION OF HORACE. “ Delphinum in Silvis.” expect of Tzan’zm? A Dolphin at Grovzs’s,

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| the fire, sweeps the chimney, | cuts the Captain’s hair on a

| @ tharvellous

SOMETHING LIKE A MACHINE. Mr. Ponce is not easily surprised or delighted, but he owns to ha in both conditions while reading, the other day, the account of a new steam-ship, the Mooltan. This, he need hardly say, after mentioning that it is capitally built and that it containsall the latest improvements, is not a Government ship. It belongs to the P. and O.. On its mani- ~ manips as a Vi , ni unch is not going to dw but he must call attention to lious piece of machi- nery which is described in the report. This wonderful en- gine does, more or less, every- thing in the world and a few other things. It shifts the helm, reverses the screw, in- dexes the rate of the ship’s going, fills the baths, pokes Saturday afternoon, boils the eggs for the lady passengers (hard, by touching an extra valve), announces the pi lessons for the Sunday Ser- vice, plays a band of music for the quadrilles on deck, and boxes the steward’s boy’s ears, and all at the slightest

possible expense of power. # aN wee : SM Wek ash Ws We ee Wi \ NYHA LL + & Ss Ss . WALTZING OF THE PERIOD. Tuer Lapy Honorta D——, as SHE APPEARED TAKING LEAVE OF HER MAMMA, PREVIOUS TO GOING INTO AcTiION !

aS - SO <- Re - 95 - PH — Tue Lapy Honorta aS SHE APPEARED WHEN THE ENGAGEMENT WAS OVER !

Surely ‘such an invention —_ be adopted on Fo with modifications, Co not one of the. Clubs be fitted up with a similar invention, with extra screws for black- balling objectionable candi- dates, backing the bills and kicking the cook? Mr. Punch hopes to see’ so remarkable a specimen of human ‘ingenuity turned to some better account than the making a parcel of —_— passengers comfort- able. Pleased all Round. M: pg Samvt Montatem- BERT complained that Mr. GLapstonE spoke of the Porz as a Sanguinary Mendicant. oe euasee “™ ae n indignantly jing thai he did mot oap Sanpalarg, e did not say inary, and that when he said Mende, cant, he only meant that the Pore was begging for money. M. pe Saint declares mself satisfied. So is M. DE Sant Punca. A Quaxer’s SEntTIMeENT, AND A T00.—“ VERY PROPER ONE |

pis ica e ne GOOLE

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i RR ey beatae RPh AER sy ead 5% Cp IR PS, aia TaN at RIV A: As : OF THE SEASON. THE LION “MR. G-G-G-O-0-0-RILLA !” ALARMED FLUNKEy.

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re meng 5 Bree aS aigtene es 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LON: CHARIVARI. 215 = . i OUR ROVING CORRESPONDENT aaritt Professor of oteed Senteny, cad tone e é is tei a y, and 50, i ‘ would te ep to pass criticism on | Mr pear Puncz, wen ry he met a apne ff ceo a “ On of the advantages pertaining to the erratic character | Mr. 7 is the painter, I cannot for the life of me see much heart sy of this — is the licence which enables me to change my | about it. subject as be: me hour. Theoretically, too, 1 may be said to enjoy “ Mischievous. Models is the title given to a cheerful little picture, a certain amount of u! Se J seeiege webyntin be Re ee rapenonnting 3 and kitten with the palette and ‘ properties hail at short ka widely rem uarters. What if I date| ofan artist. Perhaps this is the identical cat who having been let‘ out a my letters one week from the tamara of St. d and the next from af the bes, bes mk inte & beak, The puppy, imitating as other " the interior of the Thames Tunnel? Even the sticklers for the| puppies do, the habits of his master, ving seen his pause over the a somes of the Drama’ must relax their do in favour of steam | convass, claps {its own paws over the po ned and to use a i a telegrams. if on my journey to the Eternal City, I turn back expression, 18 i Harry with the * to look in at Trafalgar Square, you will be prepared for the retro-| i over Mr, Sraxicain’s 8 clever work, The Capture pte - the fountain of Trevi is a more picturesque object | of Smuggled Goods tn the old Antrim Road, to — the be Lihat pa — oe the clumsy syringes behind the Nelson Column, and it is some-|1 can give is to say that it is Sranrrexy’s, I some . what a shock to look at Lag & Havetock’s statue after gazing on the } Gossips at a Well (66), one of the many-episodes Spanish humble i Boyd hoot miata wey but - a Eee of alge is: = life —— the artist has ie aa to What eg emy has jus opened 1 or the ninety- ime larise pretty brunette roguish gaily- the British public, pa if in Sage I have done as}the Romans do, | donkey, 7. the road-side shrine. ae with to-day in our own dear Metro I followed the example of most | of pi oat Londoners and rushed to the Te bibition as of picturesque material, “ The time-honoured pent-house at the entrance, containing the two| “Of course one could only expect a full-length portrait from the traditional British Grenadiers, showed me that the late alterations had | pencil of Mn. Lone. The likeness which he has painted (86) seems not affected the exterior of the building, though I soon found from the | that of an honest country gentleman who has had the good taste to mg condition of the staircase that steps had been taken towards | appear occasion in knickerbockers, the only portion of our for the occasion improvement i while the additional room for sculpture has modern English dress which unites comfort with picturesqueness. confestedly a he Be the ao a great haw? over former Exhibitions. * Com: parisons are invidious; but as 84 appears hung as a pendant ese two beautiful puns (which, you see, itp be to 06 one cannot help for ence sentzanting the rich rich colouring and un- bring ima if by ooienty and not si a lan sae alfjast night entional treatment of the latter portrait with the pure modernism to make }—having discharged, I say, these tremendous jokes, I me cold touch of the first, Whoever does so, must award, I think, it cugied ts ial poeta inn best of my humble ability what I saw the palm to Mus, Wxxts, despite the scornful expression of her Bella in the East Room. Venesiana, Sr Mies Eas hh Faw ee ym AER) eleslos Le sRpsday ESF WOE, WEST Pe i “No.7. Pharaoh's Daughter, by Mn. Anurracs, is an Egyptian) “What shall I say of Mz. Dror’s exquisite landscape (98) ? a woman’s head, the ipal feature of whose coiffure appears to be e : Oriental features than the bird of Paratise ‘and cock ‘pheateut with sg ora ofthe arth ads 8 rien ures t rd of Par and coc easant wil p thane which our modern dames have crowned their hats and turbans. If as ftebapaeeedhy 4 a — there be — (as no doubt there is) for the former, it is curious to think that in three thousand years the fashions have altered so little. | How can I describe the Tarrmyh better -than by qpoting. these lines ? A bird in the hand, we know, is worth two in the bush—how much a| How better realise the beauty of the poem than by looking at that bird on the head costs, I mast leave Paterfamilias to settle. canvass? It th the perfection of quiet, earnest nature-reading: unaf- “Next to Sm J. W. Gorpon’s rait (painted with his usual mee simple—wonderfully accurate without obtrusion of etail—a ability) of Mz. James cing is No, ] Pa Meer de wt, The poem in Nagar The stream flows on in easy rhythm, the trees ere is no aT neadonte’ eadence of the verse, and there stands good Gzonex striving to enlist oe om ches of Ser Hi —no ae comet Protes- note : tantism, hether portrait or a. is well studied,| “Are there any ~ a cone at that ~ cassock, or reject the and there is more than ortinary sgnlieance in the the grey oy miasing light | quaint’ si ieonas of that uplifted Let which is ages gen oe look at Nature’s fashion-book, and remember that the same patterns * Vr. (16) of the = Sigua Sain, Sak): | 300 which — us now, old Isaac Wises. at the river-side, approved she apa ani ne Portions of of the picture are Very teased in, but if Gi isas| “ Oe) Is Mr. Etmonz tempted by his great success last year to cool as a suggests, the ds must suffer severely from | keep us still sighing over Marie Miatoinette ? The poor Queen’s features are not less interesting than in his former pi and the incident Mn Pace tells us that Venus Peas ta, sheunee of Adonis— | chosen is a good one ; butjI hope he will select an ilk er heroine in 1862, . aay fect which has often been brought under our notice) “118. Seep con Be more natural than for Mz. Hoox to go in for before. ant sic Geen to dackt the cobain a ber fishing su and nothin nee stent Hee Sey ee £ grief. vaggty © od Io to the young mam (for whose sales hak The bluff hardy Co rnishman, his chubby children, that 24 sake, a6 Dm. Lawrarene assures us, she temporarily shandoned | sea-green which = hens Wivomn tae enough to make “ Ol aa tie Sas bat: ob we Sant period fre from this event flirting poor cockneys sigh for summer, and‘all the beanties of a sou" -west coast. : with and there is no doubt now. that she was agreat| “196. Ma. Corz’s Convalescent seems to eat jilt, and that when Mesdames Juno and ce ome met over their cup of | oranges, but one can excuse such pte sora indiseretion for sake of nectar, Mer mmoemerieitis their version of that little affair on Mount | the pretty accident of colour the orange creates—t ee a aly accident I Ida. So we won't e that the Paphian goddess broke her h and hope which Hache do i Mamma’s pet for many Fiat. any one who looks at No. 23, will I am sure concur with me in thinking tr Hee aid do it?’ ‘ What‘s the secret ?’ Where ’s ‘s the strap P’ that such am extremely attractive young person soom found other ad -| exclaim a dozen voices as I push my way politely up to Sra Ep mirers, and that Master Cupid there by her side did not keep his bow Laxpenma's piture (155), and, ace depicted 2 y young —— ning unstrung very perany by the side of a lately restive but now subdued oe ee 3in. Cope chose whet am be mado of | cbadieat ® homely subject. and an old man are gathered round; “ al. bo “car Me Mr. Punch, when you have seen the portrait of this is the ah ep well’ amy prom 24 An old siteher ( (which m spite of the | h nd Greek Eig not aa such senseless questions. I remember : | proverb evidently often to the well without being broken), | an me re & in which Minerva seeing a statue of Venus | lies by in’ the grass. The children appear interesting and interested | arm she has with implements of war—she who Pe save one little girl, who by her apathy seems wishing to leave well alone. peg xh ever so many Argives with her glance alone. * Mr. Sant’s rait (41) of a young gentleman in knickerbockers| “ And ‘e's e so I say, what is the use of a whip in those fair hands? Where and scarlet stockings is in'th successful in colour, but why put a boy | is the brute who requires a strap to hold him near her ? Horse-taming just entering his ’teens in the conventionally heroic attitude which | indeed !—who but an ™ ere resist such influence ? M.P.s and Aldermen adopt in their testimonial portraits, viz., leaning gi * * * * * * on one hand and placing the other m the region of the waistcoat P eae ae eee ia here typi ~~ by. hy a Pipenie’ of a ‘dickey a hey re any moe wig Seong Ark | oat tome conduc! children, who play the parts of mutes (a practice tairs which I shall phos Bar recommend to my noisy nephew on) and consequent on her exertions in scrubbing down my s to relight it. mourners exceedingly well. The father (a shoemaker) looks round * T remain theref from his work pon 4 and outside the cottage-door a little bo ~sexton I therefore for the present, is digging a tiny grave. It is a taking subject with young folks; but “ Yours faithfully (in the dark), alae a little too theatrical in treatment. ‘ “ Jack Hast.” es ia a ie ity, Puree * Sic 2 6 x Ta ba Fa F > eS psig lw aN Rete: £2 Mahan « ¥

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=A Si NO IG EARNEST ANE 0 ‘

A Cc SONG.) Inscribed to Signor TaMBERLIK after a hearing of his famous “ut de itrine.” ne C! the C! theo Ol at That cometh from est so free ; "Tis cheering to hear that high clear sound How it filleth the house, above, around. It rings through the s' to the pit it 8, 2 And e’en to the back of the hies, Love Sia O, She ie hee: ee *Tis a tone Sims Rezves his B ; It would Gruen so high to go, And it taketh the shine out of 0. re storm in the chorus and band What nctter their clatter? they ne’er ton deen the C! I love, O how I love to dwell oi In a on the glories of William = Where the shining lake and the silver moon Seem to harmonise well with each soft sweet tune; When Texx’s voice is heard in that tri-o, And the chorus come trooping from high and low. I’m fond of Herz Formzs’ deep bass roar, But I love the high C more, far more, As upward it soareth as clear from the chest As the nightingale’s singing to cheer its nest. And a wonder it always been to m How a tenor can that high chest C. The vibrato style E hear with scorn, In nervousness or weak lungs ’twas born : And I hate the falsetto, although I’m told That by it Rosmvr made pecks of gold. _ Mere quivers and quavers to me sound mild, But the high chest C just suits this child ; It stirreth the soul, and it quickens to life, the pulses that vibrate to love or strife. T have wealth to d, I have power to range, But from Zell at the Garden I wish no change ; And if Annotp ever should call on me, I’ll get him to sing me his high chest C!

‘A SIMILARITY WITH A VERY GREAT DIFFERENCE. Tue Queen has recently been sojourning at the White Lodge, Richmond. The United States is, as our readers know, the White House, Washington. Though the two abodes have a similarity of sound in their names, how different must be the feelings of those who at the present moment inhabit them! In the White Lodge, there is comfort, ease, repose, usual place of habitation of the President of the} ! ti cy enon, ong ther gy imgreating o jos city mentions, among other highly “the future home of the Pai Aticz, readers. are of couret apete & Hinani tenia bars “ There is a large theatre, where operas are’ rel damn, See eae Frankf uch more important place. ballet is care, under on Italian ballet-master. I saw sree and Giselle < ; formed, and, Protestants although they be, the great attractions are on ‘ The latter of these seutenoee id rather lege patie ek the writer “doth protest too much,” we think, if he means te that Norma and Giselle are Pro - Connoisseurs in music very and are the nearest a ; have as yet, in England, been acq' more Catholic than Protestant; and so we ar ’ of our perplexity. Norma, to our. , is more. i Protestant; and what are the peculiar tenets we leave Mr. SruRGzoy, or any other enemy of dancing, to suggest.

1, Tue necessity of{leaving your stick or umbrella, and, on a wet day, owing to the insufficient number of attendants, having to wait a uarter of an hour, at your entrance and eliver your property up, or have it returned to yo —The monstrous inconvenience inflicted on the majority of the public by } about one fool in a million, who would poke a cane through a picture. 9. The habit of stupid people, especially ladies in the midst of im- mense musli ting close to the pictures, so that those who want to saat than tc cetoee dhstinta can ater aa foe he \ \ wee A Kg él N A mutual love and confidence, and the strongest sense of security; in the ; =/22 e N White House, there must be anxiety, bustle, intrigue, suspicion, feverish agitation, and the constant dread of rebels invading the sanctity of the threshold. The inmate of the one is as safe as though she were in Windsor Castle; the inmate of the other cannot surely divest his mind of certain fears that there is a very strong chance of his being turned out, though for ourselves we cherish the hope that*old Ans Luxcoxw will long remain in. The resemblance of the two names has made us allude to the difference of the feelings that we fancy must just now be resident in the two places. White and Black could not be a different ;—in fact, it is all the difference between Liberty and very.

The Return from Syria. ” Tee National Air of France under the Empire has been Partant pour la Syrie. The full signification of the fondness of our allies for this song was never t till now, when, having gone to Syria, and promised to quit it at the proper time, they seem to object very much wo! | to being as good as their

“SA Sweit’s Verpict on THE Dvuxe or AUMALR’s Literary Funp | foolish Srzzca.—“ Non Ci’? Av-Mat.” Strppies is fortunate enough to get his Pictwre in the Academy this year = } his delight may be imagined at finding it placed on the Crinoline line, below the ‘‘ sensation-picture” of the year. _ 8, The still more disgusting habit, of which silly youths are liarly guilty, of not only getting directly in front of the finest art, but turning their |backs on them, and their faces to their friends, who likewise stand before you, and with whom hold foo conversations for some twenty during w the paintings behind them are covered by opaque . p

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Pee ee | UNCH, OR THE LON OUR NATIONAL DEFENDERS. (4 Confidential Letter addressed to Admiral Punch.) tle my lee seuppers if settle d to the li caliber, witoe first easing off my Jaw. and paying out a few sea- terms. But belay there! I’ve a yarn to spin about our and as [ ah on Hen Mazaerr's Ship Ezcel- familiarly chris- tened, from her mooring- lace, the Mudlark), and ence came this osion 3 of nautical expressions, on which my brains have recently been most absurdly bent. For, Cockney that I am, I armed myself at starting with a mouthful of sea-slang, and went through a course of MaRriort’s novels and fine old nautical dramas to prepare my tongue and ears for the talk that I antici- pated. But sailors a ship don’t converse at all like those upon the stage: as for shivering their timbers and blessing their dear eyes, one might as well expect to hear them chaffing you in Sanscrit, or swearing in High Dutch. Time was, or have been, when JACK spun yarns to messmates in the jargon of sea-novels, and when Captaing gave their orders always with an oath. But this foul-mouthed age is past, and our young officers are gentlemen, which is more than can be said of some of the old salts, _ “ Mind, I don’t mean to allege that swearing is extinct; though from the lips of a ‘bine- jacket’ it somehow sounds, I think, considerably more har: than from most. But as a rule now, naval j gentlemen, abstain from it, and in time their geet example will extend among their men, I found a dozen or so youngsters on board of the Excelsior, and neither in their board-room nor while at night ashore with them, did I once catch a coarse expression, or hear a song or story that would cause @ sister’s blush. W: attaching this fact more weight than is its due, of how many Army mess-rooms could one say as muck “ Precious prosy I hear fast readers growl. One don’t want Punch to sormouise tae Wied, vite me dows 8 mite ey gummy orm . cause maybe, are 80 white as are a ceabenat have a naval athe = tole te officer called—aw—wathaw a coarse fellaw; but seeing 1 have en, I cannot well admit that the epithet is just. “ As Sh uth is now a morning’s ride from I shenid advise my blasé ee eu Wes fe go and aley an bens as Sup en d Reedsor. If they reach her by two (which they will learn is one 0° ) they will beat to quarters, and see somewhat of the bustle that goes om im neal action. up ae they and deadened to excitement, I think when they between-decks their pulses quickened. Somebody or other asks, in some old song or other I remember semewhere Wh Nant si “ 0 ever saw a an That never ened a rake 9 Fight?” T dare say the poet ’s right - but as sea-fights are net included in ow fancy few of us will ever enjoy the chance of seeing one. 1 own | have a naval action—a regular three-decker blaze-and sink affair, such as one ’ Easy, Peter Simple, and Ben Brace, ox in the Lives of glorious heroes like our Netson and our Cotiinewoop. But, besides the fact of none such having paggened in my time, there is the fact that no safe place has been invented yet for seeing it. ‘To go up in a balloon, and was for many years the height of my boyish aspirations ; and though e seems somewhat of cowardice in playing Cmsan to the d calml down upon the j fighting, I must own, if the chance offered, think I should grab at i _ * But though one can’t well hope to get a hird’s-eye view of an engagement (without risk of sl the fate of poor Cock Robin), one may by visiting the isior get some what it isto be inone, The bawling out of orders, the quick bapailing of the handspikes and the rumble of the gun-wheels, bring somewhat of confusion to untrained in. It must require no little discipline to ‘keep order in such bustle; and one may well conceive how eds: Pore must be needed, when the guns belch forth their thunder, oD ag tear up the deck,and the air is thick with smoke and well nigh filled with flying sp : “ The quickness and pericin with which the guns are worked, to use a Yankee phrase, is certainly a ‘caution.’ I think an enemy would hesitate before declaring war, if he sew how smart we are in banging off a broadside, To cast loose a big gun, and four rounds seven minutes, each shot at a changed distance, and at more than half a mile, for the third round s breeching, and each shot seoring as a hit, is nowadays considered far from . Your Navat Insrzcror.” ANOTHER LITERARY PENSION WANTED, Wat & a ee ay “ +” an a ‘ oa Shek colton,” Wh tee baleen aun ones wine have been sé secing in fue Gaceteat Brida, wise have m , May 10th, among the Uist bankrupts, @ e- man whose name there is no need for us to men tion, but who for his trade or calling \- self a “ scribbler.” i _As this unhappy “soribbler” is bankrupt in his pocket now as as in his wits, we should advise him to put in a a for Government course “in the « eategory with s.” than the poet whom:a has: * for y= yell ey been given, Weare inelined to wager that the isa mia eign ay a sohate t quality the sober nacibthee nearly is dohiaece” SCRAP FROM THE MERRY WIVES. Somme Field sear Richmond, A bi ELRH. tae Doc i hm—n_w~ fo Seen Enter to him Mz, Puen. .&R, H, Vat be. you ? r. Punch, To see thee » fo cee thon tie, to see thee traverse, te i te see there; to see thee pass thy punto, thy thy distance, thy montént, Is he my African ? Is he dead, my Hzwzrco, ha, t says my Heroporus, my TavcrDIDEs, my of elder. Ha! Is he dead? R. H, By gar, he is de coward Jacx Prox- of de . He is not show his face. King’s ¢on- wander : : & z if : : : d ri * : F a practice, and such as would by no means be commended by a Cuaps. (T' on shore, and there was neither casting loose, nor changing range nor re ds in fifteen minutes lave been fired from an Armstrong, but then the was wor boresdinag.) It would '

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\ Wey Sy WA The advantage of the Practice of ‘‘ Athletic Exercises” by young Painters, as recommended by a Great Critic. \ \ ee \\ a eS D WW j EMIGRANTS AND REMIGRANTS. Tre Northern Whig records that Emigrants from Ireland are leaving the Dis-United States for their own Green Isle in great numbers. This may well surprise us, considering Paddy’s love of a row, and the rich prospects that the Model Republic just now holds out in that respect. But even more extraordinary than the remigration itself is a consequence of the remigration stated in the same article, viz. :— “ That the extermination of the Irish labourer had doubled the price of pigs.” _ That Pat has found himself in a pickle in the Airthly Paradise, his return to Ould Ireland is some proof: that he may have thought his prospect of saving his bacon better in Ireland than in the States, as things now stand, is quite possible. But why pigs should double in price, as Paddies disappear, is a problem we must own ourselves unable to solve. Can!it that Pat in the new wor which in the old world he used to be content with fattening? Perhaps the concatenation of ideas may be, that as Pat took his pigs to a bad market, when he emigrated across the Atlantic, the market is getting better, now Pat is taking his pigs back again. is ever slaughtered and salted down as a substitute for the pig | Legisla' Axp have I lived to see the day. eg ta pir go Pe: glory, away— t eliec the went” Of all tis Tee pee ae ‘0 their might claim, Methinks the public-di chair, And theatre, I’d name ! I deemed our SHAKsreaReE as our coasts From Frenchman’s touch secure ; by ing British toasts, oO . Bat here this Facuras—ell the go— act doth dare : At the Freemason’s Tavern, lo!’ D’Aumate doth take the chair, Of all un-English things I’m doomed* In thesh fail Whanes to thowen: me through scorn. - I know no two which move sritish no Of duties, which these tasks impose. Upon a man to do? See Of ‘zcHTER’s Hamigt with a mop. flowing flaxen hair, And not the raven Brutus a | That Kemsix used to wear The dear conventions all are dropped, Old ede tre boned old ceocings oppedi | starts are tarned,‘old crossings stopped ; And old traditions barred ! Tis Hamlet such as SHAKESPEARE’s words And simple study show, — Not the ctedtion of the boards, Of Kemptz, Kean, and Co.! And so of this French Royal Duke, Who dares’to take the chair, Where CAémsripes once was wont to look So largé arid debonair ; He stoops'to talk both wit and sense, And common-place to shun— As if such’'things had e’er been known Since public feeds begun! Jumping out of his Skin. Ovyz J. H. Nicnotay, a person who sells skins } in Oxford Street, has been publishing ‘a letter in which he contrasts a couple of Magisterial deci- sions on the organ nuisance, and condemns the Magistrate who dealt most effectively with the perpetrators thereof. -Mr.\Punch is’ always in- dulgent, and is ready to make every allowance for the skin-man’s natural sympathy with a noisy nuisance kindred to that of the cry of “ Hare- skin! Rabbit-skin!” But when the skin-man presumes to sit in np ores on our métropolitan judges, we must say that he goes too fur. Protection for British Salmon. Frencu Admirals, with all the folly of British | Protectionist noblemen, have been kicking up a row in the French Senate against the pro reduction of the import duties on fish, We only say, we should be very glad if the Im islature would impose a prohibitive du Salmon-fry, which'the natives of France English hers to preserve, and sell pes ths cae of Sardines. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. Woburn Frederick Mullets Evans, of No. 19, Queen's Road West, Regent’ Printer, t tice Lombard Set isthe Sad Whnediars te the Ole of London, yah Sarvapay, ° eee * of London, and Published by them at No. 8, both in the Parish of St. in the of M a ean eran ot tk ot Sc Betta, tm the Oley of

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Se “ONE TOUCH OF NATURE,” &c,, &. Mitemax. ‘‘ Oh, Sir, my Hartist as paints for me wished me to ask you if you'd make one o Four in a Fee-aton to the Darby.” THE LISPING TRIBES, At the last meeting of the Ethnological Society, after a paper about the natives of Western Equatorial Africa been read by M. Du Cxaixtv, the mighty hunter of gorillas, between whom and some of‘their human neighbours the principal distinction seems to consist in the circumstance that the latter are cannibals, there ensued a discussion, in the course whereof the Chairman, Mr. Crawrunp, “ in reference to the inability of the Bakalai tribe to pro- nounce the letter ‘r,’ which they sound like an ‘l,’ observed that the Chinese have the same defective utterance, which excites a disgusting feeling when they speak of eating rice.” The Chinese, in fact, when they attempt to say “ rice,” lisp, and at the same time appear to speak ly plain. When we consider how large a number of youthfal swells, of the most tumefied immensity, partake in the inability of the Bakalais and the Chinese to pro- nounce the letter “r,” we cannot but rejoice to think that they do not mispronounce that cannot say “rice” like ordinary Englishmen, they do not turn that word into the one w CLOSE’S GUSH OF GRATITUDE. N.B. Tus following poem has been Mr. Punch with the cmeanaan that ih te of Mz. Cxosz to Lornp Patmer- its genui ee much i 80 better than anything Mx. Cross has yet pube lished, but it is otherwise much in that poet’s way :— For this kind pension thou hast gave, All thanks to thee, great Pam, T am your most obedieut slave, Upon my soul I - I sang the praise of Remar a Ring, s chief; Bat if you like I’li wy strai ‘And call that black = i tgeere: Loading A ype ppt ge Lord, 1 never shall contrive My gratitude to speak ! If I can serve in any way Yourself, my liberal Lord, Believe me, Sir, by night or day, You’ve only got to say the word. mn my bended knees I pray in fervent tone, That gracious Heaven will always please To i Viscount PALMERSTON, He stuck me up amid haughty bards, d men of art and science, And thus my modesty rewards, And sets them all at defiance. And though I was a butcher low, For humble craft designe Pothooks and hangers now shall flow, In verse of every kind. Meantime u The man that will not honour me Shall surely have a dose, 1’li physic him uncommonly, As sure as my name’s CLosz, But on the Lorp PaLMsRsTON, Our excellent Premeer, I’ll never hur! a fiery blast, Or speak at all severe. For he is as as he is great, And when he comes to die, I only hope that we shall both meet In yon purpureous sky. Till then I’ll always sing his praise, That I’ve determined on; And truly proud I am to hear is name, like mine, is JouN, How to Make a Book. You can print it and pe it-at a own ex tg you fancy copies not be rulcies, order 100 Or as —_ as you hg as ‘our is to give them away to your i ee es ae rhe Book can be made to got as many editions as your superior j t thinks best.” It all depends upon how wide is the circle of your acquaintances, or how deep is your purse. x Ricuzst Dish 1x THE Wortp.—The “ Weal” of Fortune. consonant in the same dreadful manner as those barbarians; so that, although t! reinto VOL, XL, = ‘

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ane pee nee wean “RS

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jows 1, 1861.

‘PREPARATIONS FOR THE DERBY. : of the Tweed. of ‘ech She ges Bgl oe in Facuras boing sounded as ° . to THE FINEST PART FOR FECHTER. “Mr. Punc ns Risasackes of ex I have been to of witnessed » Ww ich I ¢ thi Upintons ins atria a the Pi the Princess’s Theatre. I con- ‘ect idst Feourer the best of = : : ve it the same as'w ae are siaing on e he interjection * ‘Heh ihe !’—the ‘ch’ pee nding i either instrument for an ~y altho rem vin caied in Fano Ga et i entire week ious to the} =. 2 ous Wee Masser ~ minions F fod ton A neo | ay ae briny. Botan rat them el / \R\ ES SS 7 ey “TI wish, ie, aah, 700 i well shar SSS — oo one = — iainance with Min, : to induce him to ! oe SS SS away in the above cruel worthy of bis ee acre manner. He endured the gece 9 pe eae deny that Witz SHaksPzaRE’was a man of vast genius;

. are 2eony for five suffering | but where’s your Wii 8 by the | BY Hil THe days, when delirium set in, | side of Jom Homes, theauthor of Douglas ?— , am \\ ti auadehy do Mx Ros | 2 Whigh finest of es should jst ike NNR t : r Feoursn: remain, : i HES ' eg yoo Bare your constaut:reader—at the Caledonian Insti- YS i before the House. He| “ation, “‘AncHmalp Frazee.” fondly expected to have| “‘ Auld Rethkie, May, 1861.” been on the maps Stand on the long-expected 29th, pee he is at present of the hospitalities of Dr. Fonpzs Winstow. It is time that the aipceun prevented men who are addicted to music especially when — are young beginners) living in chambers. They should live ina house all by themsel

‘Tee Bust “ Mruiime Parer:”—Bell’s Life in ‘London, ’

NAUTICAL DESTITUTION. Nor every indigent aged British sailor ere from wounds sus- “catitled te ed in his country’s service, is ion or a berth in Greenwich Hospital ; tly, man meritorous old tars haveno other refuge than dos wolthoaan wha are too high-spirited ‘to | § enter whilst they can earn the cnihest line ood. On the Tyne, for example, they act as scullermen and watermen, capacities in which they have to compete with younger and safer men; so that what living they get is the barest possible. To supply the shortcomings of public justice, not to say generosity, towards these superannuated servants of their country, an institution has been founded under the name of | 8°°° * The Tyne Sailors’ and Scullermen’s Asylum.” ‘The honorary secretary to this charity, in a letter to a contemporary, makes the following statement, illustrative of the misery of the ancient heroes whom it is intended to accommodate :— “To paseo their destitute condition, I may state that one of their number, a few months ago, died in the act of landing a passenger ; and upon a post-mortem -mortem exami- or g made, it was found that the eaten be man (he was u: of tie. of 80 years old) had actually died for want of the common le. I quote the exact words of the verdict, coematiinae bemeel oelag ak M. Du Cuatttv tells us that the Fans of Equatorial Africa are accustomed to eat the corpses of even those of their own people who have died of disease. The worst of cannibals, however, would turn from the repast offered by the oes of a lean and tough fellow- creature. It is, therefore, unlikely that the Fans would suffer even the most worthless member of their society to be starved to death. The nation which allows its defenders to pene we for want pie the common necessaries of life, and then abandons their emaciated bodies to the worms, may be more ed, but is it more righteous, than a tribe which eats the dead, indeed but for that very reason fattens the living ? The Tyne Aged ors’ and Scullermen’s Asylum has a claim not only on the consideration of the benevolent, but also on that of those who are chiefly ac’ by thé instinct of self-preservation. The safety of England from invasion depends upon her maritime strength ; and the fewer sailors there are — or actually starved to death, the less difficulty will perhaps be experienced in manning the Navy.

Tae Force or Contrast.—How the pan envy the Old Lady who lives in Threadneedle upon the vast amount of wealth that she has at her fingers’ ends, and the little that they can command from theirs ! tresses must Street when they reflect | be PUNCH'S MSSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. May 23. Thursday. Mr. Punch has the greatest :pleasure in ssying ee Serliaeent io ee to the fact that there is a.much:more i. way of spending ‘fime «eve: than in ridienlous debates, A House of Commons tonnes, Ay after Whitsuntide, : Thursday p Sad talked <leeeeaeaey eemereania

breezes vadiblae water ds just now, and Lozp made what ‘Mn. Brie “Bale Britannia. “The:mext night the Semaxer couldnot cateh more'than 94° Sonkonte; 80 = ae let them all go Dundee still first ’ ; Barrrsin and Guisr Newpalitan tm not Piclament , ae amma tho to tbe a octal ese We cares for

‘CAREER OPEN TO ‘SCOUNDRELS. Tueae appears to exist some idea ‘that ithe Quannis Pestla- mation, warning all British subjects against patt tim ‘the atrocious war now raging between the —_ utkern States of America was something more a necessary formality, A s =. is actually expressed that English sailors, for example, might tempted to engage in this le contest on either side, and that as pirates under the name of — rates; a not only cutting the throats of Americans for hire, butchering each other. Surely our community contains too ae miscreants to render it at all probable that the Dellgeren's would ever include any considerable number of Hen Masest ——. There cannot be amongst us a sufficiency of THurtetis, B Hazegs, Bishops, WILLIAMszs, pe meer Bee a Pecaseea, ULLINSES. rascals.as may go out of these dominions to Aight in the Ax ioe oh geet War as mercenaries, whether for North o South, will leave their country for their eg . Itis to be hoped that none of them will ever come back however, ras on the field or the deck of battle, they wil die a oath infinitely too good for their deserts. Their merited fate will be that of pe taken ae es ep their boots on, .in a e of 8 Tope, on the branch of a tree, or a yard-arm. hanged, as inthe Pres be, cod any question is asked about execution, in the Press or in Parliament, the queris coughed down. Let them be buried athe font of the gallows and let their epitaph dance of bad Rubbish.

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»

wre JUNE 1, 1861] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

| bited for — — by the Society, and have been honoured by the presence ana | bac ind and they would appeal to the Royal and illustrious patrons of their body to FAIR PLAY FOR PHOTOGRAPHY.

Wha Ulesethe

i ewi all works of Art small artists decorate his newly pee shi intereste- aff cherished and encouraged by his influence, and! are watched over and Now, Mr. Punch has learned from certain of hi including his friend, Frepxniox, Lord Chief Baron: Her Magzsry’s Commissioners for next. year’s ions: Bah thought -fit to an ins aS es its re ee 8 _— new’ omnibuses corn- aes aid the thousand other articles. of ical apparatus Section tl 1 The Lord Chief Baron, as the mouthpiece of Bac Photogenphic Council, has: pointed out to the Commissioners “ In the observations of natural ea and in the selection of what shall be represented with reference to the effect of light and shade, and from what point of view, in the grouping and arranging of the principal or accessory objects for the sy of forming a ween » Photograp! phy is no doubt an art, an {imitative art; but the Council of the phic ety claim for — & position, however humble, among the fine arts, ite pret and engraving may be so placed, as no doubt justly they may.” In other words, on 3. cag claim i Photographs a place among the articles admitt ion LV., which, under the expansive head of “Modern tine Sire inelades architecture, models, die- si , and engravings, in fact (except photographs) anything and in an artistic, from the cast for a new halfpenny and the for is’ Memorials, up to paintings by a Marzaiy and padre by a Puncu! -In sum ap the case a Her Masesty’s Commissioners, the Lord Chief states the grievance of the Photographic plaintiffs in language which, if forcible, is clearly not unfair :— “The Photographic Society has been founded chiefly with a view to promote photography in connection with science and the fine arts, and the er interest meselves about hic ee in the same manner onl a RAPHAEL or a ReYNoips might se! and use the most convenient easel, the brushes, or the most riate and enduring colours. The instrument is comparatively nothing. * * They do not complain that the apparatus they use is put ai all the other apparatus ; but they do complain that results such as have loon oul encouragement of Hern Maszsry and H. R. H. raz Prince Consort, are deemed worthy of no ‘etion than among tools and mechanical devices of whatever th inpiovenent ia plagiocsaminaaansneeaia ne This appeal, Mr. Punch, in his Royal pleasure, is pleased graciously to back ; and when His om are made known to the Commissioners, there will be little need of other “Royal Patrons” to bestir them-

to Mr. FecurTsn,.w 10, like a true Cexii1 of his art, thing he Byer being made by another Hamiet. though it had been adorns every- It would seem as i k ||

PUNCH’S PROPHECY FOR THE DERBY. Propuesy, my bloaters, of course I'll prophesy for you if you like, and you are emda ee s~ ap sy bpambamartag Punch ever lead you by the i hignis fatuous f tmbecility into the quagmire of impecuniosity? Hi, Netuy, ho, I'll sing to you, I'll tell to you, what oss will win the D. Well, there’s Dundee. t shall I say about that noble and merry animal? ‘Dundee marmalade is uncommon nice, and Grauam, of Claverhouse, was a very: party.’ Fill up your cup and fill up your can, when they saddle the prove himself fearless and free, who stays

Inmone-cold Bittledrum's godfathers and is meant to.be beat, but if Potuy:pats that Kettlmonmicely, we may all liavestemwith silver spoons in it, and wouldn't that be Bek 4 : the ie [ F |

bour, namely,a bad second. Drake may or may not beaduck, or if you like to look on him in the light of the celebrated Admiral, he may or may not be the Admiral Cricuton, which run through all knowledge, and then was run through himeelf, but as for this oss’s running, if a drake carried a feather-weight, eh, twig? Then for Aurelian, or hoary lion as they call him in the north, well, he rhymes to corne- lian, and yet I’m far from saying he'd better be cut: I have no idea “ who taught the little Nautilus to sail,” but I have reason to think that he will bea very good cock-boat.. If I am asked of Bombadier, my answer you are free to hear, that some will think it very queer, if that oss gets uncommon near, but something whispers in my ear that Bompa run, and so do Deer. The remaining oss in the favourite list is Jmaus, or as my friend the Wiscount anti-classically calls him, Imaws. -Iam gave to understand that he takes. his name from a mounting in Scythia, where scythes was invented, whereby he ought to be able to cut along, and I am partial to classic osses, because they remind me of Pam and his Eleusinian—or did he say Isthmian ?—little games. As for Jmaus, I may as well say that ifthe mounting won't come to the Prophet, your Prophet must come to the mounting, and he’ll take it kind if any of you that sees him looking thirsty, and |* has good’ champagne, and bawlis out to him to prevent Destruction of Tissue. Lastly, bloaters, there is a oss that I am myself nuts upon, and that oss’s name any of you may procure at: No. 85, Fleet Street, at four o'clock in the afternoon of Wednesday, the 29th instant, by mentioning my name, and asking in a polite manner. =to0-ey-too | PUNCH, The only Correct Prophet.

ITALY AND HUNGARY. A Pozticat idea occurred to Mr, Pusch at the Crystal Palace Concert last Friday afternoon, as.he listened to the lovely Su/l’ aria they on taper tere wih nearest. voces incor As they sree why oe there with sweet. voices in accord; Mi ate ghey a hope that oe ay “an? ” voice 0! may be as much in harmony and as free All’s Well that Ends Well. oe sd’ os th cseell tase databnens 1 gga Nor many Jean a certain Hamizr lost a fortune in the} Mozarr, Princess’s Theatre by building it. At the present day, the fortune of the Princess’s Theatre is (thanks Fashionable Obstruction. THE enormous amplitude which female dresses have attained to is written down in the Book of Fate that it was to be | productive of peculiar inconvenience to pedestrians in the lucky destiny of the one Hamie¢ to pick up the fortune that had fields laness ‘Owing to the present width of skirts tt

been lost by the other. takes a little woman five minutes to get through a great gate,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {June 1, 1861. Lady. “Ou! Preaszt, CABMAN, DRIVE ME TO St. Banwapas’ CouncH. You co up Esuny STREET, AND TAKE ———— Cabman, “IT xNow—HoprositE THE THREE Compasses! ” BRYAN THE BRAVE. An English Melodyfor the Derby Day. RemeMBER the glories of Bryan THE Brave, hough his day, for the present, is o’er : Though lost to the Ring, till he learns to behave, He returns to the Paddock no more. That star of the Field by stern Dersy was scanned, And in Jockey-Club censure hath set, But a lesson is chalked all across the Grand Stand, To teach how the knowing ones bet. Forestalled in his betting was Bryan, the dear, And the Legs they stepped into his shoes, So he shouted aloud, where his rivals could hear, The word for his jockey to lose. Bad temper upset him; and read, in your Be//, That “others their counsel could keep, Had he oy aay it quietly, all had been well, And he’d done the trick decent and deep.” O Dupes of the Wednesday, what use to repeat That on Thursday you’ll look jolly grave ? Each owner who means that his horse shal! be beat Doesn’t bellow like Bryan THE Brave. So make up your books, boys, and put on the pot, Luck waits on the downy and bold: And with tin all abroad, and with coppers all Lot, Next morning confess yourselves—Sold. Two Thoughts “All in the Downs.” THE man who has renounced betting is decidedly a wiser, if not a better, man. eas is scarcely a race-horse that runs that hasn’t a blackleg about “THE COOLIE EMIGRATION.” Tus emigration, which is generally southward, has not yet com- menced, though about August, doubtlessly, it will be in full force. When we say that thousands have already promised to join the move- ; ment, we certainly speak within bounds. The chief ports that the Emigration is expected principally to bear upon are Brighton, Dover, Folkstone, Hastings, Worthing, Eastbourne, Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Scarborough, Whitby, Blackpool, Boulogne, Ostend, Dieppe, Tréport, and innumerable others, for which we refer the emigrating reader. to the map. Of course, it is clearly understood that by “ Coolie Emi- gration”? we mean the exodus that yearly takes place from all large suffocating towns on the part of all persons who are panting for a mouthful of cool air. Should this hot weather continue, the Emigra- tion will take place this year much earlier than usual. In fact, we know several ladies, whose great maternal anxiety is the best excuse for their burning eagerness, have already made preparations. On more occasions than one, they have pointedly told their husbands that “‘ the Doctor has recommended the poor children change of air.” As yet, their overtures have not met with the smallest encore. The Advantage of Stuttering. A Youne author (we will not mention names) has the lining of his hat completely blackened with ink. The wonder was how the spots could have got there, because authors do not generally carry their inkstands inside their hats, when a Wag present, who stuttered (and if he hadn’t stuttered, he could not have made the joke) suggested that “probably it might be the result of th’-th’-inking ? ” It’s JUST LIKE THEIR CONCEIT ! ** Women,” says a literary Hermit, “ might have some reason to be pm of being the more beautiful half of the human race, if the other | alf wasn’t so confoundedly ugly.”

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Uy, STITT a = ; fj im At ce 4 } ie | YW i) I’D LIKE TO UPSET THE LOT OF YER!” A DERBY OBSTRUCTION. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jvxe 1, 1861. Drzy, “SHAN’T GET OUT O’ THE WAY,

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Jonx 1, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 225 is cruel, might be unconscio Princess of the Roy. art was and not i aud parasols; on th ment Department at beautiful, but even wicked, iven you to charm the inflict cruel would not be damaged po! gaze on them with fresh We respectfully want to know why there should not be a Refresh- emy? It is not aplace where you run in for merely five minutes, but it is a fashionable lounge, where ladies frequently spend the entire afternoon. Art may be ve ature grows tired after admiring it a certain period, THE POPULAR THIRST FOR PLEASURE. RINKING-FOUNTAINS are liberally represented at_the Academy this year. With the room, they make one ite thirsty to look at them. Besides, there is a hot glare about the majority of the pictures, the rays (or A.s, shall we say?) of > which concentrate power- = fully, as from a focus, upon one, and dry up every FoR of moisture in your parch body. It is arid work to be exposed to a burning- ' glass of Art for two or three consecutive hours. It is a small taste of the Desert, without the smallest hope of mye 3 an oasis in ‘ it. There is plenty of water ’ around you, but not a drop to drink. These water-pieces \ only aggravate your torture, “ putting you painfully im mind of what Tantalus must have suffered. Sran- Frexp, Hoox, Les, Lax- NELL, Cooxz, are for the moment so many mocking, wicked persecutors, who taunt you with their beautiful imitations of nature. You allow mock Drinking-Fountains—why not permit the introduction of a real one? A lady might faint away, and we doubt if there would be a glass of water to be found in the place, to put bo has lips, or dash in her face. essieurs cademicians ; for you A the death of a beautiful Duchess, or of a lovely blood. We beg on the rting transcripts delight. the Royal A alate y a bottle of lemonade, or sixpennyworth being sold down below, at the place where they take the sticks parasols; on the contrary, your admirers, once refreshed, would tapi captiv e imagination, Your magnificent — Jo! of the world once more, and and cries out for support. There is no use in your looking | that We doubt if the most blooming bunch by Lancz would revive a young lady who was faint with thirs Y a ae tify the most fastidious sense, if your own frame is exhausted. of grapes that was ever painted t. Thereupon, it is out of pity for the sufferings of the fair sex, that we th fed velar: benefit of the ings, we sho’ oO Te- able source of addi eanly su} beg of the Royal Academy to grant the establishment of a buffet where could procure a harmless restorative, if it were only a glass of and oe would, also, kindly throw in a 7m, be doubly grateful, and, let the beer be ever so small, i e size of the favour byit. As it is, if any ce goes out for refreshment, a glass of beer costs him a shilling above the usual price, since no one is admitted without repaying on admission. In this way, we know a poor corpulent aldermanic old tleman, whom it cost on one occasion as much as half a soveréign. + was a very hot afternoon, and he suffered so much that he ha out not less than ten times for refreshments ! The above rule of repayment on readmission must be a most profit- revenue to the Royal Academy, but we will we will never think of tional measuring that it is allowed er- d to Tt was too bad! " one moment to weigh as the a or not granting the establishment of a Refreshment Departmen ’ * Black M the “ Man of such babili diferent, for al ol hatred for Black M: Wovrp the ‘Herald’s College be kind enough to inform us whether onday,” that we so often hear spoken of is any relation to Friday” that was so attached to Robinson Crusoe? Being both of the same complexion may possibl bring them within the pale A Dark Inquiry. However, their ys, who, as a class. spositions are certainly very , generally evince the greatest the heat and the dust of} U 0 little beer for the | This who are sometimes subject to similar suffi held for granting hono as Next followed the recitation of the o course, Mr. Myzns read his composition in prerne - = F a ve da reader. ticularly the following :— F dant noble of a noble line! So fair a fate as thine.’” e but if it had been addressed afraid that the » have exclai “What, what ! E : er of Europe.” still less is Wales. called a flower? Male and fe ps Hl LE for though an individual of the addressed E a ~ 8 if gross liberty with his Royal fi transcends the sublime; and a without improvement, from the — wonder is, first that the above lines are part of an and next that must be very fond of Pre. W. race wherein the men of his year. that the reason why those who were entitled to had been kept out of their share for three the Government the rolls are not ready, they on tae are to be kept out mean ma must wet tis burried! We little thought it took the following sum to the Indian such as a accounts,” Government sadly neglects the baking the not the negroes of the Southern masters, say insurrection ri Slavery for ever!” Friday, do not hesitate to express their profound onday! . ” F grain of Sense is worth a whole bushel of Chaff! OXFORD PRIZE POETRY. Unper the head of “ University Intelligence,” it was announced that, at Cambridge, the other day, an Extraordinary Congregation was degrees, and for the public recitation of the niversity prizes. The degrees having been conferred, i of the Vicz Cuance.ior aud the Heir Apparent : I ] e can onl ee in English Poetry at Oxford is conducted on the principle of a pe = aalbng This a t L encourage Classical scho p by rewarding negative proficiency in a pursuit calculated to attract attention from severer study. P it exists and has been devised to that end; therefore we the author of the Prince of Wales at the Tomb of Washington is a scholar of proportions inverse to those which jhe exhibits as and that his real distinction simply consists in being one of years and wit bo guait cuaiink tolinaseadlion, te ioe tations co Ow oon of their bread. In the starve—Government cannot three to make a roll—and it is not ready yet! We will co ADVICE TO THOSE WHO GO TO THE DERBY BY in the presence prizes, the most interesting of which was, English poem, The Prince of Wales at the Tomb of Washington, a@ very creditable manner, for it is not always Several passages were loudly applauded, par- ‘Hail! flower of Burope, heir of half the earth, Blest none from Heaven with so bright a birth, don’t know what the Parcz or WaLzs Gash of this poetry ; to his Royal Grandfa a = King would, in the language , GEORGE THE Pre come again? No more, no moreof that!” Why flower of Europe? & With what pro iar ou te Pann is CE e flowers there are in but, in the modern language of compliment, flowers are always e gender is some- masculin as “my tulip,” that form of address is a bse goof contempt, and to apply it to the Heir Bnet woul ] Highness. in the face of facts, as “heir of half the earth” ? erefore is the to have been el passage in Lord “ And half Northumberland belongs to me.” _ The rest is simply Prz; if it may not be said to stand towards in the minor relation of tart; but it is too insipid for that. the ford Prize P “were loudly applauded.” ‘To relish them, Oxf that a competition onkey- ight tend to er’ trust that a : ae aeet SMALL CRUMBS OF COMFORT. In answer to a question from Lorp Berners, Eant pe Grey said e Delhi prize-money a half, was because help it—the rolls and a half by putting C ce:—“If it takes four years to make a roll, how long will those who are entitléd to the larger prizes, uartern loaf, have to wait?” In the art of “cooking department. 7 The Just and Holy Cause of Slavery. WE feel,” Presipent JEFFERSON Davis, in his M Uecnisined Ganmiana, “that our cause is just and holy.” to ald rose against their States, if they as yy at least equal justice, for their own The less Davis says about justice and holiness the better, if he does not want to-preach a dangerous doctrine, besides being considered ahumbug. | “ Dash holiness, and justice be blanked ! ” is the consistent language for Mr. Jerrerson Davis. “Might is ght 5 we expect to thrash the Northerners; and the Institution of THE Roap.—One

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (June 1, 1861, YY, TB A W v iy \ ; we | \ LINES BY A COCKNEY. Addressed to a young Lady, but dropped by some mistake into Mr. Punch’s letter-box. : Sweet hangel, whom I met last heve Hat Mrs. Hantaur’s ’op, I ’ope that you will give me leave A question now to pop. I mind me now when in the all Your carriage was hannoun: You hasked me to hadjust your shawl, Hon which with ’aste I pounced, Then heager to your Ma you ran, She anxious to be gone, I ’eard ’er call you Mary Hann, Or helse ’twas Mari-Hon. Now, Mary-Hann’s a name I ’ate Has much as Betsy-JAnzE I could not bear to link my fate With such a ’orrid name; But Mart-non I like as well As hany name I know ; Then, hangel, I implore thee tell, Dost spell it with a Ho ? « PLURIBUS UNUM.” WE notice that in the American army there is a GENERAL Brace. nowing, as we do, the charming licence of speech that our good Yankee cousins allow themselves when dwelling on their own private merits, we were not much astonished to hear that so eminent an individual, held so high a position amongst them. We should like to see the General made Commander-in-Chief, for we are con- fident that where Brace leads, all true-born Yankees would be sure to follow. We have no doubt that Brace is a good soldier, but we rather incline to the belief that, HORRID GIRL! Mild Youth. ‘‘Have you sEEN ‘Tue CoLttEEN Bawn’?” YEs, OF COURSE. Patace, AND I’vzE ReaD THE GorILLA Book!” [Mild Youth Horrid Girl (with extreme velocity). “Sen ‘Tue Cottzen Bawn’! Dear, DER! | able game of Brace. It is a filthy game at which neither Saw iT Last OcTopeR! aND I’vE BEEN TO THE CrysTAL| side can win, but, on the contrary, at which both sides of the two dogs of war, GengzRaL Hoxprast would be a much better one; and {more especially would the services of Hoxprast be of value at the present moment, when the entire Union is tumbling to pieces. In the meantime, we beg to give our disunited relations over the water fair warning that they will find civil war anything but an is shut up. | must inevitably lose. OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. “Dear Puncn, **T sPoKE in my last letter of an evening I had spent in seein Mr. and Mrs. Keetzy and Mr. T. P. Cooxe, and others who recale the scenic pleasures of my schoolboyhood, and made me feel quite oung again, as they themselves indeed appeared. Theu fugaces! ow well do I remember my stoical self-denial at the ‘tuck-shop many a week, that I might have my couple of shillings for the theatre on Saturday! For boys were not too proud then to go into the pit, and when they went were not ashamed to look as if they likedit. Now-a-days * young gentlemen’ (one never hears of ‘schoolboys’) think it snob- bish to be seen at a th at all, except indeed it be in private boxes and white chokers. And when they condescend to go, just to ‘oblige the girls,’ they seem to think it the right thing to try and look intensely bored, and as though the whole performance was quite beneath their notice. _ “Now how can we account for this marked difference of demeanour in the juvenile playgoer of times present and times past. The eas preterita, of which in person I can speak, does not amount to more than a score or so of years, but the change in this small interval, I think, is very great. Are our actors less attractive than they were a brief time since, or have our schoolboys sharper instincts to detect stage imperfections, and be dissatisfied with what might formerly have pleased? Or is it now ene fashionable to condemn the stage, and speak lightly of the efforts which are there made to amuse us? If so, it may be schoolboys are but following the fashion, and when one sees them yawning and sneering through a play, they are simply acting under the mandates of Mammas. I am inclined to think, however, that acting, as a rule, is not so good as it was once, or at least has not advanced so as to keep pace with the advancement of the times. The old performers eculiar walks; and were a Dramatic Derby to be run for, providin i FecuTer as a foreigner be scratched, I’ll bet that some ol favourite would win the public stakes. “As good actors are rather rare aves just at present, all well-wishers to the stage must of course have grieved to hear of Mr. Rosson’s serious illness, which at one time seemed to threaten his permanent withdrawal from a place where he has done so much to entertain us. But I rejoice to hear that this is not now to be feared, and that ere long the Chimney Corner will be played with its old cast. Meanwhile Mr. Horace Wien has done his best to fill the part which Mr. Rosson will resume; and by way of novelty (at least at the a ic, which is not a five-act theatre) the ever-green School for Scand as been once more planted out. As I happen to remember the Sir Peter of old Farren and the Joseph of Macreapy, I cannot say but what there are to my mind some shortcomings in the Olympic cast; nor with the Nisser’s silvery laugh still ringing in my ears, can I speak of Lady Teazle as she is seen at present without somewhat of a prejudice to colour my remarks. Odious as they may be, comparisons in some cases are well nigh unavoidable; and when a man has found his Jeaw idéal of a character, he finds it hard to speak with fairness of those who chance to differ from it. A critic cannot well help having recol- lections, and they are apt to twist his judgment and restrain his praise. But if Miss Sepewicx be not a perfect Lady Teazle, Ra a eg the nearest to perfection now procurable; and old playgoers may find it an interesting pastime to go and see her mene and note its chief short- comioat, and then decide among themselves the exact width of the gap. “The sudden jump in the thermometer from freezing-point to sum- mer heat, has set everybody talking of where they mean to go next August; and as affairs seem at present pretty poses on Con- tinent, Switzerland, of course, will be the place of chief resort. It is, however, now within the power of a Londoner to spend an hour or two | whom I saw recalled the other night are still without a rival in their in Switzerland without the bother of getting there. Simply by seotring

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a stall at Covent Garden, one may leave one’s dinner-table at eight ’clock or a0, and be comfortably sitting at Lucerne in half-an-hour. The lovely lake that Mz. Bevertzy has brought his moon to shine — me these hot nights to go and take a ‘header’ in it: and the sweet airs of come as freshly from the stage as the air that seems to have maueiel and inspired them. Nor is to the lovers of Rossm1. YERBEER-admirers, have The by heart, will, in the Gathering of the Can- find a effect to the ing of the Poniards; while, the grand climax of the jump out of the window, the delicious _interview between denold and Mathilde is quite as heart- touching as that between Falentine and Raoul. One who hears the opera as Costa has it, ean but wonder at its being coldly i gabe thirty years, has abstained from all stage-work. What have we not lost by that too hasty verdict, and how careful should a critic be in uttering condemnation ! “ But this is not a text that now-a-days needs preachingon. In musical as well as in dramatic criticisms, very much more rose-water is sprinkled now than vinegar. Thus writers get afraid of speaking the plain truth, and actors, in their vanity, fancy themselves faultless. The duty of a critic is to give judicious praise, and to point out imper- fections with a view to their improvement. This is only possible where critics are unbiassed; and to be this truly, they must keep themselves own. Whether this, again, be possible while ‘Clubhouse Corre- spondents’ have their ears at every keyhole, and have no consciences to stop them from blabbing what they hear, is a problem for solution by your faithful “One wuo Pays.”

“HERE THEY SPIKE THE ENGLISH.” He Schoolmaster is abroad. but he has not yet reached Fécamp, or if he have, he does not include the English print a bond fide advertise- ment, cut out of Thursday’s Globe, enumerating the at- tractions of this Norman Brighton. Mr. Punch, in de- spair of adding any grace to this delicious production by his comments, ‘prints it verba- tim et literatim, Fécamp has quite earned the additional publicity the reprint will give her “establishment” by the fun our readers will gather from this unique specimen of Fécamp English :— SE4 BATHS AT FECAMP, —Beginning of the Season on the Ist of June. Among all water- ing-places none could be put in comparison to the fine and large establishment of Fécamp, which has been created by WaTer Socrery. There it is found the invaluable advantage to have in the same esta- blishment, Lodging-houses, Chalets, Taverns, Dining Table for two hundred guests, a Casino, Hot Baths, Sea Baths, &c. &c. At the Casino we find a Gymnasium, directed by a clever professor; Hot Baths of sea water and of a drinkable one, with ordinary or Scotch Shower Baths—A Breathing Hall for the sea-pulverised water. This is a good treatment for the larynx sickness—a Pistol aiming—Billiard Halls, with all sorts of games—Reading Rooms where all newspapers will be found—Drawing-rooms for the Pianoforte, with a hed professor specially engaged for the establishment—a Dancing-room, a8 well as for Music—a Special Gallery for Festivals. On every evening a Concert will © place in the greatest style. Twice in the week Theatrical Plays. On Thursdays and Sundays Balls for children. On Satur- om @ Ball in brilliant fashion. ith ita good distributions, the Casino is admirably appropriated for the most splendid festivals, as well as for the private meetings. One has the faculty of consenting with the administrator a general subscription, by means of which you have at the same time dining table, lodging, lighting, the perfect enjoying of the Casino, hot and the sea baths, or showers, and even the gratuitous cares of the doctor of the establishment. These subscriptions, it will be easily conceived, have the result of half diminishing (comparatively to all of her watering-places) the expense and trouble not to be parted with in a bathing season. In this manner it is no more need of addressing oneself now to this one for lodging, than to the other for dining, or bathing, or spending evenings, &c. &c. Besides that, we find in this establishment all sorts of carriages to drive to Etretat, as well as to the handsome valleys of Ganzeville and Valmont, where are to be visited the majestic ruins of the antiquated Abbey and the Castle wherein one vo writ for al Inquisies aud for for es and for (rent, in P. New Mathurins Street, 48 (rue Neuve des Mathurins, 48). agen sai Havre Railway, Telegraphic Station—from Paris to Fécamp, 4} hours.

‘ Tunez Dzcnaas or Comrantson.—Bet, Better, Best left alone. ° heard when first ease vs out; so coldly that its writer ever since, for | ‘ EXPENSIVE MATERIALS FOR CONVERSATION. * Dear Mr. Pounce,’ plone to use your irresistible power to puta “Wi you stop to a practice which is now beco extremely oppressive to persons afflicted with families? I mean the practice o Exhibiting a Single Picture, and charging to behold it the price of a whole Exhibition. . . . “T would not so much care, if the owners of the picture didfnot advertise obtrusively, so that there is no keeping the announcement out of the sight of one’s family. But when, day after day, a woman beholds a Picture advertised, she gets into her illogical head that everybody is talking about < suppose I need not add that she resolves to be able to talk about it also, nor what the result of a woman’s resolution is. “Last Thursday, Sir, I, having a wife, two large daughters, and a smallish boy, who cares much more for pegtops than pictures, but whom my wife would not leave at home (and indeed she abused me for pti: Pe him, though I had given him a sovereign the day before) inspected as follows :— s. da. Mr. Hotman Hunt's Temple ‘1 0 each person, Mr. Jerry Barrart’s Mrs. Fry x 10 s Mr. Correaaio’s Ecce Homo . ; ° 0 6 - Mr. Paton’s Pursuit of Pleasure 10 ec Mr. Warp’s Sleep of Argyll . 0 6 eo Mr. WINTERHALTER’S Queen. 10 re Mr. VERBOECKHOVEN’S Cottle . 10 a “Now, Sir, if you will let one of your young men multiply the above sum by myself, wife, large daughters, and small son, he will find the result to be thirty shillings. This, Sir, seems to me to be a good of money to lay out for the purpose of enabling three females to talk about seven pictures, to say nothing of about fifteen shillings more for

language in his lessons. We} unches and cabs. They could have done the whole Ro — for five bob, and there are more than a thousand — there, but need hardly say that on suggesting this at home, I was called a Screw. Iam not a Mean Screw, Mr. Punch, but ‘* Yours very respectfully, * Kdgeware Road, W. * Aw Income-Tax Payer,”

TO A CIPPUS-SMASHER, O Bisnor BickerstTeT#, tell us what beast, man, 3 Advised you to knock down the tombstone of PRresTMAN ; Who counselled you, Bicxy, to fly in the Vicar’s teeth, Tell us, O Bisnor or Ripon, #é BickERSTETH ? SHAFTESBURY’s hierarchs’ Latin is hazy, But you sure could translate Reguiescat in Pace, And did not suppose R. I. P. to imply That the Party was Roasting In Purga-to-ry. : You’ll wish, our dear Lord, when the Judge gets his grip on The bran-new lawn sleeve of the BisHor or Rrron, That the BisHor or Rivon had acted more gentle, Nor like him who moveth the ériste bidenial. Meantime you’ll do well, O most drowsy of Prelates! Not to aim at eclipsing the Puritan zealots: = = __ Let’s hear that your Lordship, who certainly pious is, _ ill cease to disturb those who’ve passed from your diocese, And that, rather, on effort your Lordship determines To wake those you still can afflict with your Sermons,

An Example that is Set us by our Betters. “THERE go the pigeons!” exclaimed with delight’ young Bos, after the Freat race had beenrun, as the birds went circling beautifully through the air. _ “Yes, my boy,” said an oldster, who had apparently made in his time as many books as ALEXANDRE Dumas, only perhaps not all of them so full of interest, “look at them well; for I can tell you it, is not often that you will see a pigeon that is let off on the Turf.”,

HEAT OF TEMPER PRODUCIBLE BY THE HEAT OF THE WEATHER,’ Hor weather eameiy has the effect of making many good-tempered

peracts extremely choleric, for which due allowance should be made; or is it not natural that a person who has been for hours exposed to a broiling hot sun, should evince the strongest desire at the first oppor- tunity to take umbrage ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 1, 1861. DAY BEFORE THE DERBY. CosTERMONGER (loq.) “ Ax yer pardon, Miss, but I must get ye to take a double "lowance o’ greens to-day, as to-morrow’s the Derby.” 9 ger y g Ys y HAVELOCK’S HUMBLE PETITION. * Waar I have done is done: my country’s gratitude— Amply.has been expressed to me and mine; In every form of paraphrase and platitude Employed where Englishmen in public dine. “ My birth-place is recorded in topography ; print and out of print I have been mourned ; Done, overdone, in Y gery biography, My moral pointed, and my tale adorned. “ A grey-haired subaltern the Horseguards left me, ‘oo poor to purchase, too proud to despair ; Of all save faith and fight years had bereft me, When sunset glory lit on my grey hair. ** And I, whose long day passed in the cold shade, Went to my grave, at last, in dazzling light : i nA I had served my country’s need han in the fame which came so close on night. “ Respect my modest life, and leave my name ere my own hand has set it—on the roll Of Indian war: at least, let meddling Fame With no more Statues vex my patient soul. ** Although a Christian, I was not a Guy, My head and body were in due proportion ; I waz not that which Bennes sets on high,— A skort-legged hydrocephalous abortion. “ Wherefors, to Naprer’s and my disgrace, ° Shouid Britain thus to sky her coppers dare, With heads axc. tails like those that so deface ur ‘win wolikenesses, in that sad Square, = woere pilloried in effigy are see n, The men whom England most delights to honour ? * Grey talks of ‘ storied urns,’ but never urn Such stories told as statues now-a-days. When will revived iconoclasm o’erturn These bronze and marble monsters from our ways? ** A bookmaking biographer well known The name of ‘One of Death’s new terrors’ bears ; Bruyes and Apams might the title own, _ Who work such libels on owr clay with theirs. “Nor satisfied with one guy, ten feet long, At Charing Cross perpetuate in copper, Brxunzs in Sunderland repeats the wrong, And there too vents of me a brazen whopper. ‘* England—of heroes mother—spend thy sons, at doom them not, thus, to post mortem laughter : Those that have died, like me, firm at their guns, Ne’er looked to stand thus in the pillory, after!” | In all hues from fierce copper to deep gree’ | | | “Sanguinary Mendicant.” In spite of what M. pz MonTaLEMBERT may insinuate to the con: trary, we cannot imagine any such words as “ sanguinary mendicant dropping from the classic lips of the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, even though the subject he was speaking of was the Porg, and we only allude to them for the purpose of indulging in the absurd suppo- sition that a “sanguinary mendicant” must be one who gets his living by means of “ blood-money.” A Crvm, Conitncency:—The exchange of civility on the road, n, orse martyrs than those burnt by Bisnor Bonner) Printed by William Brad bury, of No. 18, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park, both in ths Parish of 8t. P Frintars, at their Otice’ in Lomard Beret, im the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City "of Loudon, and Published by them at No, 8, Fleet Street in , > be returning home from the Derby. We should not like to bet much | on such a contingency.

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June 8, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. seit sii «MN \ ditt it | bit ocean Vill H) aa NS UMMM | uy SS f a een wil il : we Customer. “ That’s rather dear, is n't it?” Foreman. ‘‘ Our customary charge, Sir, for hordinary hadults ; but as you ure a| hundersized gent, we'll say 4 : 15, PONTIFF AND PRINCE, THe Pore can never go astray In morals or in faith, they say ; His word as Gospel men may take ; Tis always right, and no mistake. By grace divine from error, sure As cage are eggs, is he secure; His Bulls, from blunders wholly free, Bespeak Infallibility. Far clearer than the lynx, he sees Right through the cloudiest mysteries ; And all conceptions of his pate Are, in so far, immaculate. But though he is so wondrous wise In all that Reason can’t comprise, His Holiness is grossly dense And purblind as to Common Sense. Grant that he could pronounce a Saint Originally free from taint, And can as certainly decide This soul or that beatified ; However, he could not predict That Lamonriciire ’d be licked, And faithful blood be shed in vain His earthly kingdom to maintain. The wearer of the Triple Hat, In dogma safe, should stick to that ; In State affairs too near a fool, Should abdicate his mundane rule, By all means let him, if he please, Retain the Apostolic Keys, Only the Royal power —— To lock up sinners here below, Oh! would he but contented be With spiritual sovereignty, _ In peace he would possess his own, Nor want Zouaves to guard his throne. Come, Prvs, do the proper thing, Stand forth all Bishop; sink the King. Send your French janizaries home : | And yield to Casar Cmsar’s Rome. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Monday, May 27. This has been rather a peculiar week, and one which will be remembered in Parliament, though the Outsiders either undervalued or misunderstood the Little Game that was played. As it has turned out, Ministers have not turned out, nor has there been an announcement that Parliament must turn out, but both events were on the cards. And the matter was in this wise. The Conservatives in the Commons are exceedingly strong, numeri- cally speaking (of course Mr. Punch does not mean intellectually) at this moment ; so strong, that a very small addition of numbers would enable them to put Pam inahole. Well, Lorp Dersy does not want to take office, for the simple reason that by the time his men got warm in their places, they would all have to move out again. But, on the other hand, power is very pleasant, and it is agreeable to Lorp Dery and Mr. Disrazit to be able to say to the Government, “You may stay in so long as you are good boys and do as we bid you, but remem- ber that you are in only by our sufferance.” And an opportunity has occurred for putting this lesson in lively colours before the Constable and his men. There was an Irish grievance. It is called the Galway Contract. Certain Irish folks solemnly undertook, for valuable consi- deration, to do certain things in the way of mail-packeting. Of course, they did not do them; and as, after a great many months, it becomes clearer and clearer that the contract will be fulfilled in Irish fashion ouly, which is Anyhow, and not as per bond, the Government repu- lates the bargain. This specimen of brutal Saxon tyranny and reason has roused the Hibernian mind, especially the mind that ag in the bodies that dwell near the district likely to be benefited by h € contract, and there was a Demonstration. Divers Irish Members ad the screw put upon them by various interests, and it became necessary for them to please the populace by punishing the PREMIER. ow our friends the Conservative leaders beheld this, and thought that it would be a Neat Thing in Politics to get a good party division | at the moment when the Irish soul was inflamed against Pam. So it was decided to give new battle on the Budget. Not that the Budget had anything in the world to do with the Galway Contract, but because the votes of the persecuted Irish Members (for, to do the majority of them justice, they are, as Carratn EsmonbE spiritedly said, “* gentle- men,” and detest mob and priestly suasion) might be got into the Lobby against Government. ’ j the battle was set, and on this Monday night exactly a dozen | speeches were delivered on the Paper-Duty question. Mr. NewDEGarE | had a little battery of his own, which he fired off in the early part of ; the night; but his Conservative friends had other fish to fry, and left him to be bombarded by an overwhelming force. He and Spoonsr, however, stood to their guns, and were smashed up in a heap by 34 to | 195. But when the blood-stained ruins of the Newdegatian Sebastopol were cleared away, Mr. Ker SeymMer came out with a resolution, flatly negativing the proposition of the CHANCELLOR OF THE X. to abolish the Paper-Duty. As Mr. Punch hath said, twelve addresses were delivered, which were all about Paper, but which meant Galway. At the end of the evening the Conservatives thought they were all right, and wanted to divide; but the Constable was too wide awake to allow that, and the debate was adjourned till Thursday. Eve of the Derby. The House sat till nearly nine, but who could give attention to political business at such a crisis? Dundee still first | favourite, because Mr. Punch’s Prophecy had not appeared. Derby Day. Mr. Punch’s Prophecy appeared, and he stated that Kettledrum would win. The result of the Race was, of course,— KEtTTLEDRUM i > . x ‘ . Pe DunpeE ‘ z : : ; a DiopHAaNTUS : : - Pe : x og AURELIAN . " ° ° 4 ‘ atiorie VOL. XL. AA

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230 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (June 8, 1861; Thursday. The Paper-Galway battle was renewed, and raged throughout the night. But in the meantime the most remarkable legends were flying about. It was said that all the lrish Members were going over to the Conservatives. It was said that all the Irish Members going over to the Conservatives, but that Lorn Patmerston had bought Ireland back at the price of £36,000, or half the Contract Money. The speeches in the House bore a good deal upon these —— Lorp Joun Russe1t was indignantly virtuous, and declared it were better Ten Ministries should perish than that statesmanship should be sullied by any disgraceful traflic. Lonp PaLMERSTON gave a ludicrous account of © priest, called Favuer Day, coming to him to try to intimidate him by saying, in the Irish language, that the Mimbers must take action. Loxp PatmzRston was too many for the artful priest, whose tumble was ignominious, and who was repudiated by the Mimbers themselves. Well, after all the virtue, and indignation, and repudiation, and all the rest of_it, the| division was d, and the result was—For Government and Virtue, 296; for Mr. Diskaxzti and Ireland, 281: Majority for keeping Pam and the Parliament, 15. But it was a close squeak, brethren. And what do you think? Pwnck, of course, disbelieves that any bargain was made by Government. But Puzch will not exactly fall down flat in hysterical astonishment if he should hear, one of these days, of a Committee, or a on, or a something, to ascertain whether ae ar to Oireland cannot be done in this Galway matter. Eh? wig Friday. A wretchedly weak attempt at defending the Duke or CaMBRIDGE’s wretchedly absurd appointment of GenzRAL EpeEn to the Coloneley of the “dirty half hundredth” was made by three foolish Officers, whose Royal patron will hardly thank them for their blunder- ing. The rest of the Parliamentary proceedings have been totally unin- teresting, or, if there be any diamonds hidden in the chaff of the Lords and Commons, Mr. Punch has no intention of stopping to pick them out, having an engagement at the Crystal Palace re th respectable BLonpmx is about to risk his neck for the. first time in England. A confiding country knows, however, that if there were really anything to record, Mr. Punch would not let twenty Blondins drag him mt by —— ropes from duty, not even if there were a certainty of the twenty Blondins breaking all their twenty necks. where the COMMERCIAL INTELLIGENCE. ONSIEUR BLONDIN has re- moved his celebrated Rope- Walk from Nia- gara to the Crystal Palace. The share- holders are in the highest elevation. The shares are almost be- ginning to look up. The public curiosity is in the highest state of tension, Subscri- bers even, who, as a class, can never, it is well known, have too rouch for their money, are beginning to ex- press their gratitude. We doubt not, every time that Buioypin performs, but that the performance will be marked in their memory, as the clas- —— say, os a white chalk.” The shareholders, also, who, like all shareholders who do not receive 35 per cent. for their money, are notoriously a grumbling set, excuse the “chalk” for the sake of the ready money they are sure to get. As ists, well ee with deposits of every kind, they will tell you that it is not always that gold is to be got out of the chalk forma- tion; though at, billiards, it is true, it does occasionally come largely into play, especially when the chalk falls into the hands of such a player as Roperts. For the first time they begin to consider their investments in Crystal P. es as not such a Cretan labyrinth as they have one. In their exultation, they even go so far as to say, that they look upon Bonnin as “the most rising man of the present day”—even greatly beyond Loxp Rosert Ceci. In their sanguine expectations, we must say that these excited shareholders are scarcely just to his Lordship; for in our mind we had imagined that Lorp Rozert Cxci had already reached ~ am summit of absurdity, beyond which no man could possibly urther go. A NEW COMEDY OF ERRORS. ge who pay taxes, and = pase ent | by = how me ublic money goes, may receive at least enlightenmen' ey may no satinfaction, from the following short statement which has been lately put in print “The reports the discovery of 7,906 errors in the accounts —— = 5 ree aes 20, 300: eee Pama i 8, totalling, proving , ratigin; from ce ani shillings un- con 06 Mgur te Oi,s00 per om au entry for £4460, aunt the charging twice of a te £1,208 per amnam for the time of certain workmen.” - As accidents will iappen in the best. regulated families, so errors will creep imto the most carefully kept. aceoumt-books. But it surely is above the usual average in business fo lve eight thousand entries wrong within six months. The feat of counting-house gymnastics, as he books,” can have which is known commercially * t ks,” ‘seldom beew performed in the establish: Woolwich, if what has lately been overed be taken as & the way th i done there. At figuring the clerks must eat @ pretty figure, when entries for some thousands are omitted from’ their ledgers, aud other sums charged twies without: the fault being found out. Book-keeping by double-shafile might call it, if there were reason to sup- intended, whicls hewever we will charitably i use of to conceal the to hide what they should d” should be written at the foot of all iments as Woolwich, and when the Naval i every Member who may vote i ask to have am estimate of how many omissions there may be in what is shown. Government clerks, we know, are sadly overworked; but as tax- nee we feel we have a right to make request that means should be evised for the protection of our pockets from the dips which must be made in them by incorrect accounts. Thereshould certainly be some one to over! the cash-books, and be himself hauled over if he let pass a mistake. The notion of there beimg nearly eight thousand omissions’ and mistakes within six months is comical enough to make one fairly laugh at it, if it were not for the: fact that one’s laughter most probably be at one’s owm expense. The Comedy of Errors whieh has been performed at Woolwich would be farcical enough if we liad not to bear the cost of i; but as it is, if one is tempted to get up a giggle, one feels that one is laughing on the wron; side of one’s mouth. We wonder how many of the clerks who assiste in the making of the eight thousand mistakes have poe competitive examinations to test them for their posts. From the talent for arith- metic which these disclosures have betrayed in them, we should think they would be plucked if they were asked what two and two make. Of course we don’t wish to be cruel, and deprive them of their berths, although their berths may be the death of all our hopes fora less Income-Tax; but clearly Mx. Bust should keep a closer eye to the keeping of his books, if only to sustain the credit of the nation, which has earned the name of being a nation of bookkeepers. When Mr. But is made a bankrupt (a contingency which, owing to the dropping of the Paper Duty, is prophesied as being by no means far pe he certainly can’t hope to get a first class certificate, if his accounts are 80 aati as those at his establishment at Woolwich have been proved, — . SONG TO THE SPEAKER. On the Eve of the Derby. BY THE NOBLE LORD AT THE HEAD OF HER MAJESTY’S GOVERNMENT. Apsourn, adjourn, till Thursday next, I move this. House adjourn, Why should I say on what pretext ? This House needs not to learn: Adjourn! Adjourn! Adjourn! adjourn! This House my cry Doth generally concern ; The whole House knows the reason why L rise to sing adjourn, ; Adjourn! Adjourn! Medical Reform. We take the liberty of asking Apothecaries’ Hall—or, more properly speaking, we pay them the compliment of putting to them—the following question, which, we hope, oy will not absurdly consider in the light of “throwing physic to the dogs”: Since Quinine is made from Bark, would it not sound better, and the meaning of it be more sound altogether, to call it “Canmve?” An answer, in the shape of an amended label, will oblige.

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Jone 8, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. KETTLEDRUM! KETTLEDRUM!! KETTLEDRUM!!! IGHT! Much there is to boast of in that! Right! Why, my con- gratulatory bloaters, Punch simply used his illimitable intellect, looked over the Horses, and calmly selected the winner as unhesi- tatingly asube would take the biggest strawberry out of aplate beld to him iby the fair hands ofbeauty. Right? Come, don't begin pour- ing out your antibilious eulogies, just because he didn’t imitateall the clumsy Prophets,’ pseudonymous, anonymous, .and anodynomenous, who made their ridiculous guesses in primt,.or #ent them in dirty envelopes, and scarcely dared to say, plump, that any particular horse would win, but sneakingly hintell that three had good chanees, that three more would meke cock boats, and that three-others had uncom- monly excellent qualities; and then ‘these blessed humbugs were wrong on all nine chances. Call that prophesying ?—why, Da. Hum- MinG, the pet vaticinator of Exeter Hall, can do better than tbat. He is man enough to say that the world will come to an.end one of these days, if it doesn’t last longer. Bah, boh, bee,as Panurge says. By the pavilion of Mars, Mr. Punch hates nothing so much as humbug. He knew who was going ‘to win, and he proclaimed the faet eight hours before the race, and for fear of mistake published this pro- phecy in the Times newspaper on the Derby morning. He admits that he thereby destroyed all interest in the race, and like Tmaomas the Rbymer he is gifted with the inconvenient faculty of always.apeaking the truth, and is thereby made disagreeable in Society and among the ladies, but what can he do. Genius cannot be enufied out, and he could no more help penning this preternatural paragraph, than the Poet Cross can help writing doggerel. Whateaid Mr. Puneli? Yasin ee)! rep eat “KETTLEDRUM'S copFATHERS AND GQ@DMOTHER WERE BOLD SPONSORS, SEEING THAT A KETTLEDRUM IS MEANT TO BE BEAT; BUT w PoLLY PD7S THAT KETTLE ON NICELY, WE MAY ALL HAVE TEA WITH SILVER SPOONS 2N GT, AND WOULDN'T THAT BE A PRETTY KETTLE OF FISH, MY BLOATERS? HUsH~A-BYE, BABY, YOUR CRADLE IS GREEN, FATHER’S A NOBLEMAN, MOTHER "S.A QUEEN, SISTER "S A LADY AND WEARS 4 GOLD RING, BROTHER'S 4 DRUMMER, AND DRUMS FOR THE KING.” Well, Potty did put the kettle on nicely, and you have all got your tea-with | who came in so gamely on bis game leg, despite his mischance, and deserved the silver spoons in it, and now tip up. Mr. Punch claims his money boldly. All the | laurel it was not his to gain. Now, tip up, and send in your winnings, for Punch humbugs who send private tips now advertise that ‘‘they sent nothing but Kettle- | cannot be putting on extra steam for nothing, and he has several hundreds of pairs drum,” but it is an impudent falsehood, my bloaters, not one of them did anything of gloves, voluntarily lost, to pay to various exquisite and darling Beings who called of the sort, and the fools who trusted in these canting swine are now weeping and | him to their carriages to prevent Destruction of Tissue, forgetting, the dear ones, wailing, while you, my bloaters, are standing on the topmost ridge of exultation | that they were all the time destroying the tissue of his susceptible heart. There- and gazing down contemptuously upon the victimisation of imbecility. Well, but fore, bloaters, once more, tip up, and Mr. Punch, drinking to you all, hopes many do not be bumptious, Punch did it all, “fortune had no share in this,’ as HeL10ca- | a time and oft to pilot you again over the white waves of irresolution into the bland BALUS said when he swallowed the live lamprey whole, and you must not be proud. | and smiling harbour of prosperity and glory. Tip up! Even in the hour of triumph, Mr. Punch had a kindly look for the bonnie Dundee, | PUNCH, The only Correct Prophet. 7 and then he pays his doctor’s bill by instalments. If Tmotny had THE RAGGED CLERGY. been 80 badly off, he never could have taken the prescription of Pau. Tue Protestant Association, apparently, is unaware of the fact that |“ Wine,” says the Country Curate, “is altogether out of the question, an order of mendicants exists in the Church of England. The abo-| 20d of late, to save the expense ”—mark be Ua journeymen carpen- lition of this fraternity is an object much rather to be desired by | ters, painters, plumbers and gleziers, and bricklayers, discontented eter Hall than the suppression of the Franciscans, or any other with your work snd wages— —_ of bessing — pony in noe Church a Rome. “I have even had to.give up malt liquor entirely.” oluntary mendicity may be a mistake; but involuntary mendiecity is : . sa ae degpontnl to the hierarchy by vines ed is permitted, if nt biases PP hr Py ak ot 2 Seen se Ate pee A is rolling in wealth. ow the mendicity existent in the Establishe : ‘ thi | Church is involuntary. The Anglican mendicants comprise numerous dtsok thee alone pany geet ng + sop - eg 5 —_ ~ Clergymen who hold small livings, and all, or nearly all, the Curates has been in the habit of buying second-hand clothing, “even to hats without private property, or any income beyond their stipends whereon and shoes.” Any Dean or Bishop, whose feet ‘may have heen enlarged to subsist. ‘They are chargeable not only with involuntary begging, by the gout, would no doubt do a welcome thing to this poor clergy- a the worse than Popish practice of fasting against man, by sending him the shoes that are now too small for them. The ,, As the readers of this popular periodical aze continually increasing, | pot te affected with hypertrophy of the lover extremities, and there it is expedient for Mr. Punch to state from time to time that there 18 | fore may have no tight shoes to give away; but he might show forth in being, re Dole Sees a. oF (pe ge ag to — ¢ the fruits of good living to the succour of this Curate, and many other i en—the Clerical Fund and Poor Clergy Relie oe : { 3 pociaty, 88, peng a oe | pieand, WS And, with an iran. —— Curates, by the exercise of an economy short of CanEsz ion that he is not joking, Pusch has further to inform his subscribers, * i invi * who may also be disposed to subscribe to that Society, that the Pd 2 Clergy agen Ae athe ke, pote =r a Nya °39 material relief whieh it is accustomed to administer to clerical destitu- Southampton Street Strand. Old clothes may :. sent by all part ies tion consists, in a very considerable measure, of old clothes. The in the Church. A ragged Anglo-Catholic Curate would probably not ma » on w poner, mere meer] of ato sonculone and other | in the least object to wear an Evangelical white choker, and as little parel, which are thankfully accepted by Divines out at elbows. 1 7 : x The Rev. W. G. Jenvis, Secretary to the above-named Association, —— of the Low Church sehool decline the present of an M.B. has published a letter addressed to him by a Covntry Curate, and con- . ing a description of the writer’s circumstances, which, Mr. JERVIS says, represents exactly the state wherein Curates live. The Country French Freemasonry. urate’is the factotum of a non-resident Rector. He is nearly sixty Ix front of the F » Todes tm 'the Rue Cadet ted ears old, and has little more than £90 a-year. ‘To eke out his income th ther @ . he nv arpecme Ong? te ie Bee Cates Weg va (Poyer cage to Saree resoureo to charity. During the last ten years mo ak me _ Par — ars appara ney « or. i . e Gran i * dng ilk Mas He est i ae £2 el. "i Ai oe as Shatin oto mon Saar occ change of that air which is almost all they have to live upon.| _ In France it would seem that Freemasons exist in the enjoyment of Food for the mind, also, is so much too dear for him that he cannot | French freedom. even belong toa book-club. He and his family are forced to go with- out medical aid when they are ill, except in case of extreme danger, | Tze most Important OnpeR or THE Day.— What to order for dinner-

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 8, 1861. THE PROFITABLE VALUE OF DELAY. Grantine that “Time is money,” if you gain time, then you gain so much money. Hence, the inter- est of the Government in refusing Son ke ) ? RY SX A ——~ a ~@ | | f a Drees —————— X Ed x Fe ey snl ‘a Moin 2 Maan Wg wit Ml ¥ Me A SKETCH ON THE DOWNS. Jolly Post-Boy of the Period. ‘‘I say, BILL, DON’T, YER WISH IT WAS Darby Day ALL THE YEAR ROUND ?” 3 —S —= == to pay the Delhi prize-money, may be to pocket the interest that has been accruing during this protrac- ted delay, for Str C. Woop has deliberately stated in the House that, no matter when the prize- money is paid, no interest will be paid with. it. The delay is most shameful. We do not see jon d the poor soldiers, because they bravely with- stood the Delhi siege, should be cruelly exposed to another — for cannot these frequent postpone- ments be called, without torturing the word too much, a downright Siege of Delay —that may be purposely carried on, with the | secret intention that when it is finished, there may not be a single survivor left, not even an executor, to claim anything. We agree with the claimants in pro- nouncing every explanation, that pretends to account for this unjus- tifiable procrastination as “a regu- lar put off.” It is but right that our Government should place great trust in the British Soldier, but it is too bad to expect the British soldier to give them four years’ credit, and not to expect a farthing of interest for the trust so long reposed, CLAY IN PAPER. Ma. Freperick Penny, Professor of Chemistry at the Glasgow bani writes to the 7imes to say that he has discovered “a very considerable quantity of fine white clay roam g | in some instances, to 30 per cent, in foreign papers.” We have no hesitation in stating that, on several occasions, we ourselves have found a large quantity of mud of a very dark colour in the Univers, which it took opments a malicious pleasure in ‘flinging in handfuls at ‘England, and it is well known that many other foreign papers have so much dirt in their com- position that one cannot take them up without serious detriment to one’s fingers, thereby proving how much of the soil there is in them, We are bound to confess, however, that the only real discovery of clay that we ever made in a paper was on the 20th of May, when we fell over an,article in the Zimes that was based upon nothing else; for it was signed “C. M. Cuay,” who it seems, is the “United States’ Minister Plenipotentiary, &c. &c. to St. Petersburgh.” This Cray, though of a very heavy nature, did not absorb much of the public attention, and we ourselves found it no small difficulty to wade through it. ‘The great pull of this Cuay appeared to be to puff the Northern States of America, but nothing but smoke came out of the puffing. This is the only evidence of CLay that we have discovered in paper, and we must say, from that specimen, that we have no particular desire to find any more. However, we should like Proresson Penny to pursue his interesting discoveries, and accordingly we have sent him a copy of the Morning ’Tizer, if he would only be kind enough to analyse it for us. We have no doubt he will find it to contain a large proportion of a white clay of a very porous nature—the clay, in fact, that pipes are made of, and which is also known to be favourable to the cultivation of tobacco. We have not troubled Mr. Penny with the Zad/et, another favourite paper of ours, inasmuch as we know, from experience, that though that ~ has a certain proportion of Clay in its composition, such as is used in Roman cement, yet in all other respects it is a complete drug, being full of nothing but Jesuit’s Bark, such as no one thinks of paying the smallest attention to, unless the poor patient, who takes it in, happens to have a raging Scarlet fever upon Nor ran Wronc.—By a typographical blunder in a provincial con- temporary, the United States were called “the Untied States.” VOCAL MILITARY MUSIC. .Tae Volunteer movement is in some measure a musical one. It bids fair, at least, to introduce a new feature into military music. A contemporary publishes the ensuing pleasant piece of news :— “THE 3rp City or Lonpon VoLUNTEERS.—On Saturday evening last about 200 members of this corps, under the command of Mayor Ricuarps, had a march out as far as Notting Hill, accompanied by their bands. A novel feature in the return march was some admirable chorus singing in the ranks, which had a fine effect.” _ Some old gentlemen of the Army may be prodigiously shocked by the innovation of chorus-singing in the ranks of the Volunteers; but if instrumental music is soldierly, what else is vocal? The former is acknowledged to have its martial uses, and the latter must have at least the same; so that their union will necessarily produce a double, if not more than a double, effect. The natives of this island may as well have their war-songs as the inhabitants of less civilised portions of the globe, provided of course that the songs are proper for intelligent and educated beings to sing. If the voluntary forces take to singing, there can be no reason why the regular troops should not follow their example, and become volunteers too, so far as volunteering to oblige the public with songs. The gaiety of the soldier’s life would be much heightened if every company were to become a chorus, and each regiment, on its route, were to march along singing, for example :— ** A very good song, and very well sung, Jolly battalions every one.” They would kick up a glorious row, to be sure; for the British soldier never did yet, and we trust never will, sing small, A Legal Judgment. Bz quick in all your actions, and prompt in your service. Whatever you execute, let the execution take place on the spot. You must be nimble of apprehension, or else many a fine capture will assuredly slip through your fingers. Take warning from the Court of Chancery. Think of the delays for which it is notoriously guilty—calculate, if you can, the enormous sums that have been lost in consequence of those —_ i and all owing to its extreme slowness of decision——Lord Chan- cellor Punch, i f

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Jounz 8, 1861.

IMAL Fy ap Mi) ~~ \ ) \ly [S WY) 4 LOX SS QQ 8 <! QQ GS 33 : ate: Vy) y A DERBY SPILL.

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| arriving at the Do | | June 8, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. } = thanks to Mx. ‘ MR. PUNCH AT THE RACES. ast week, being ho- noured with as cial card of invita- tion to join the little party of some ten thousand or so, who were assem- bled upon Mk, Henry Dorure’s ° hospitable premi- ses, Mr. PunchJelt it his duty to pay Epsom Downs a visit on the Oaks Day as well as ~ upon that which is Dery, Hie thane erby. He had the opportu- his ends British Public, om he “ Lady’s Day” } — as well as the more : a Spy occa- sion; and he begs leave to congratulate that most enlightened body on the signs of marked improvement in their conduct which he noticed. Mr. Punch occasion, two Derby days ago, to give a lecture to some fast men who had then broken loose, and who considered that to sprinkle boarding-schools with beer was one of the most t and: wittiest of jokes. Mr. Punch is glad to say that this fast form of fun is now fast dying out, and ere long he believes it will be thoroughly extinct. Through his help men are learning the fact that it is possible to get up a good laugh, without gettmg up the danders of those whom it is raised at. All Mr. Punch’s jokes are made both with good temper and good taste; and though the devotees of Derby Day may lack the latter quality, they certainly are growing more attentive to the former. Mr. Punch confesses that he can’t quite see the fun of wearing pasteboard noses, or sticking little naked wooden dolls all round one’s hat; but if men have a desire to make themselves ridiculous, this is at least a harmless way of doing it, and is far better than sprinkling boarding- schools with beer, or pelting turnpike gate-keepers with bags of soot and flour: a joke which is decidedly more cowardly than comic, yet once was reckoned chief among the Derby: Day delights. 3 : _In his progress down the road (for, not being a betting man, he can always take his time in getting to the Course), Mr. Punch was welcomed everywhere with happy smiling faces, and found that all the neighbourhood had turned out as usual to see his carriage pass. Being jammed for some half-hour between a four-in-hand of fast men and a costermonger’s cart, with a pleasure-van in front and a swell brougham behind, Mr. Punch of course prepared himself to hear some slang expressions; but he is glad to say he heard neither indecency nor oath. On ivi wns, he proceeded at once to the Grand Stand, and in so doing had to elbow through that circle of acquaintance which is known in racing parlance as the betting “ring.” ‘This being aslow process, it was well nigh three o’clock before he got up-stairs; and then every inch of public seeing-space was occupied, and happy was the man who had aang his twelve guineas to secure a private y the courtesy of one w title it would not be seemly to ose, ) had’ a clear view of the or of Kettledrum (who, unlike other Kettledrums, seemed made nof to be beaten), and Mr. Punch to thank that Noble Lord for giving him that memorable sight. Mr. Punch would likewise Dortrne, for pointing out an easy way of access to the addock, where the favourites were by far the most important beings present, and looked like Houhnnyhms with a lot of tag-rag Yahoos at their heels. Nor must Mr, Punch forget to thank that particular Policeman who escorted him across the erowded Course. Except that he was tall and had amazingly fine whiskers, the rtrait. of that Peeler faded, like a photograph, from Mr. Punch’s memory ; ut he doubts not that directly his gratitude is known, every member of the force u - Vy — upon the Derby Day will be promoted for promoting the comfort of Mr. Punch, The World’s Race is a sight that every one should see, and that it is"possible for Britons to enjoy themselves without getting drunk (a fact which — writers ve, in their great knowledge, been sometimes pleased to doubt), Mr. Punch could bring a host of witnesses to show. As a —_ of his own temperance, he don’t mind owning that he actually brought home with him a fi bottle of champagne; a mistake which he most happily discovered before supper-time. when, he scarce need add, it was rectified at once. ” Slop-Work. Wuar is the pet difference between the Westmoreland Poet of Kirkby-Hall and Moses’ Poet great—the one is Cros, and the other, we infer, was Old Clothes. Not v. Perhaps; the mantle of the latter has fallen on the shoulders of the former. nity of ae the. behaviour THE TWO PHILOSOPHERS. GOING DOWN.—Henacuitus (the Laugher). Fresuness and fairness everywhere, Spri ing grass, spring flowers ! On in air, nor dust, nor gl x Thanks to last night’s showers ! The clouds ride high across the sky, *T will be a glorious day, is fay a the sereen of aid green, as ean— Glimpaes af village life just seen— ee nm c,— We briskly bow! away ! A fig for as hter-fraught the oe amet, ae lang flow : And save our luucheon-hampers nought Seems heavy, as: we go! Dumocnirus (the Peeper). How flat and tame! All round the same— ain! there’s a crash ! + smash ! hope it’s going to rain ON THE COURSE.—Hzractitus (the Laugher). Larix scene to this the world I -wis Ne’er showed, and ne’er will show! HT idle clone at * in bliss, " e-C and low! = feasts ! Sect fant And never one meat, or poor, But shares the mirth, pei ® his dearth, Finds for life’s ill, a cure ! Race—a life of hope and fear 7 Rey arent into An flash ! : : ese luncheons, how Gargantuesque ! This life! A motley arabesque, “ teeta tee , burlesque— Business does to leave the desk, ‘Satire to drop its lash : , The joyous scene stirs blood and spleen, F oe | Reds nities ‘rom merry May es me way To br*¢ht and burning ees ! Democritus (the Weeper). The Carnival of sin and shame, Vani + % t meade anity Fair, a lest game— God help the brain that cools! Waste’s reckless hand, the wanton band That waits upon it, nigh : And roguery with fawning bland, © want with vulturous eye ! The Race! whose rush such hopes destroys— Ruin bedecked with wings! This gorge and swill of brainless boys, Whose highest joy is wine and noise, And shying sticks at baby’s toys ; These lying gipsies, vile decoys, And every form low life employs, To pull fool-puppets’ strings ! Away, away, nor longer stay, For sorrow and for scorn : A sadder, if not wiser crowd *T will be to-morrow morn.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 8, 1861, im, 1208 ee ee ‘ eeye!: = x & = DS A WARNING TO MOTHERS. What must happen if they continue increasing the size of these newly invented Balloon Balls, COALS IN COSTUME. * Frrenp Puncu, ** Amone other announcements concerning the ‘ Fashionable World,’ it was notified, the other day, Fay customary authority, that at the Drawing-room to be held on the 19th of this month, certain ladies will wear deep crape mourning with black ornaments, and— ** All other ladies — Court will appear in black, with black feathers, lappets, and gloves. Diamonds may be worn.” “What dost thou think, Friend, of the discernment shown by the Lorp CHAMBERLAIN in commanding ladies to wear black clothes, called mourning, and yet permitting them to wear diamonds? Are not diamonds the most festive of precious stones, and at least as gay as artificial flowers? I think thy sentiments are the same as mine with regard to the demonstration of inward affection by means of outward apparel, ee thou mightest dress in black on occasion, in deference to custom. But I suppose thou wouldst desire to maintain a consistency in thy sable externals, and in those of thy wife, and have them black and all black. So, peradventure, doth the Lorp Cram- BERLAIN wish the ladies to do at the Drawing-room. He ordaineth black ornaments. Surely he esteemeth diamonds ornamental. When therefore he saith that ‘diamonds may be worn,’ may he not be un- derstood to mean black diamonds ? “ Thy constant reader, * Foxhole, June, 1861.” “ OpapraxH,” FACING ONE’S CONSTITUENTS. A Parry of the name of Zacnorosxo, who had been elected to the Galician Diet, returned to his constituents without having fulfilled any of the fine promises which he made upon the hustings of Busk. He tried to offer some excuses, but they were voted unsatisfactory in the highest degree, and his constituents, instead of laying down the law in a resolution, laid down their Parliamentary Representative on a bench, “and a vigorous arm, wielding a hazel stick, administered unto the M.P. forty-eight sound whacks on the lower part of his back.” Such coarse practices may be baa: in countries where elected representatives make fine promises and break them, but happily in . England the offence is as impossible as the punishment would be cruel. THE BONES OF WASHINGTON. A Yzar ago, and by the maples brown, O’erhanging swift Potomac’s broadened wave, Bareheaded stood the heir of England’s crown, By the poor stone that shuts an ill-kept grave, Giving meet reverence to the dead that lay, ’ _ Beneath the stripes and stars carved on that stone, Which nothing of inscription doth display To mar the majesty that broods upon The ten plain letters spelling WASHINGTON. England’s crown-prince at this arch-rebel’s tomb, First Magistrate twice-chosen of the States That rose impatient for more elbow-room, And flung the English crown out of their gates. The contrast of those times and these so shows In this respect of Prince for President, That e’en the trite prize-poem-maker flows, Into some lines of grave and deep intent. Describing that young head in solemn reverence bent. Passed there a stir from wasting bone to bone, Ran there a thrill through the great chief’s grey dust, That the old king’s great grandson by his stone, Should bow the head, owning him great and just ? Hovered his placid spirit near and blest That latest victory of truth o’er time, When discords, slow but sure resolved, attest The high and holy harmonies which chime Their broader music through the spheres sublime ? Or was there foresight of the woe to be Before the lapse of twelve months and a day ? Was that great spirit prescient to see, The stripes and stars torn from that flag away ? To know the work that he had lived to do, And saw and said, was good, before he died, Undone—his glorious Union cleft in two, And cleaving more and more on every side, Till none can say how far the fragments may divide. Saw he the day that we see with amaze, When those to whom his life from youth he gave His own Virginians, his dust should raise, Out of the shelter of that sacred grave ; Regardless of the curse that lies on those hose hands disturb even the common dead! ; Brothers, from brothers bearing, as from foes, His bones that oft their sires to battle led Who now draw impious swords, near his dishonoured bed ? ' SCOTCH SALMON AND SEWAGE. Tae subjoined heart-rending paragraph appeared the other day in the Glasgow Citizen :— “Satmon Fry mv tae Ciype.—Large numbers of salmon fry were seen, early in the week, leaping in the Clyde, at Glasgow, a little way above the bridges. By Wednesday, however, the high tides had carried some portion of the water polluted with the sewage of the city above the weir, and the result was that the young fish sickened and were rendered helpless.” A double cut is inflicted by the foregoing statement on our tenderest feelings. If the Clyde salmon fry had been poisoned with the useless refuse of chemical works, that alone would have been too bad. But it is too, too bad that they should have been poisoned with sewage. Salmon are killed with what would have nourished crops. That which should have been turned into bread destroys fish. tland is the land of salmon and also the land of cakes, and she deprives herself of both cakes and salmon by causing the salmon to perish in the sewage out of which she might have constituted cakes. ‘Let us hear no more of the frugality of Scotland till she ceases to waste her manure in extermi- nating her salmon. American Ties. Tr has been said that the Americans have no veneration for old ties. By engaging in a fratricidal war, they also show themselves forgetful of their common origin from a parent stock. They are ready not only to cut ties, but also throats, and those the throats of one another, A RATHER IMPORTANT SYLLABLE, Tax Opposition objected to Ministers for their method of “tacking” in the case of the Budget Bill, Ministers had more reason to com- is plain of the Opposition for their method of a¢tacking in the same case.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A THING TO BE AVOIDED IN HOT WEATHER. E careful, if you are sending postage-stamps in a letter, how you fold them, or else the receiver may be muleted out of one half their value. You must place them vi8-d-vis to on another, and not with their backs turned upon each other. Do not neglect this advice, otherwise you will find, —— the weather is at warm, that your stamps, like friends back- ing one another, will stick together so tenaciously, that not even Sin Cress- WELL CRESSWELL, with all his talismanic power for dividing the heads of fami- lies, would be able to de- cree a judicial separation. On opening your letter you will discover, as in the re- port of a French debate, “evident marks of adhe- sion.” Every head will have been turned. into a Janus head, though as you \ CH tll lA Vr 2 AMMO OL LLLLAAS POTTED G O4SS ' can only show one at a time, it is very clear tha; in this instance two heads cannot be better than one, even though they may have the Dublin postmark upon them. You must exercise due caution in attending to this, or else we fairly warn you that, when the hot weather does come, every five shillings you place in your letter will, before it reaches its destination, have melted down, by Gum! to not more than alf-a-crown; in other words, you will be “stuck,” not less than the | postage-stamps themselves, for one half the amount you enclose. | MUFFS OF MARYLEBONE. Nicuo.ay, the Oxford Street skin-man, and that lot, have actually been holding a meeting for the purpose of denouncing the conduct of Mr. MansFIELD, the excellent Magistrate, in upholding the law, and | insummarily packing off to gaol a gang of dirty Germans who persisted | in interrupting and annoying Mr. Baszace, the great mathematician. | enough, and no doubt the Home Secretary has had The wind-bag speeches of these Marylebone spouters were ludicrous a good roar at | them, Mr. Punch merely adverts to such bosh because Mr. Mans- | FIELD has not been very lon ‘tatives as the skin-man and his set. | place, — y | counter) utterly unfit to give testimony worth twopence. accustomed to this kind of parochial tom-foolery, and it. may be well for him'to know that the NicHo.ays, Dirrancers, Bucernses, &c., are the regular laughing-stocks of the Metropolis. Very decent shopkeepers, no doubt, but when they begin | to make orations, look out for bunkum. As for the Marylebone snobs, , who ought to be proud of having such a man as Mr. B . BaBBace in their at they are worthy of such represen- When M. Anraco, the great French savant, settled in a French country town to pursue some experiments, the inhabitants, feeling honoured at his selection of the drew, a cordon round his dwelling, and established a sort of friendly police for the sake of preventing his experiments from being disturbed. The clowns of Marylebone, on the other hand, parish, all that can be said is, t | insensible to the fact that every day of Mr. Baxspace’s labours redounds to the advantage of society and the honour of England, hound on gangs of street musicians to disturb and annoy him, and yet ; doubtless prate with all Cockney emphasis about “ these ear henlight- ened. days, and the march of hintellect.” However, Mr. MansFiELp may be assured that Society is with him, and he may treat such vestry bosh with the same contempt manifested for it by Sm Grorcr Lewis. The more of the organ-wretches Mn. Mansrretp sends to guod the etter, and he may safely take Mz. Baspace’s word, in any future case | of the kind, against any number of “indignant inhabitants” who back the grinding and blowing nuisances, because the intellect of a | Person who can come forward in aid of the perpetrators of such | nuisances must render him (however decent a person b ehind his our With Society, the Home Office, and Mr. Punch on his side, Mz. MANSFIELD may smile very calmly at the Marylebone Bumbles. A Pricerzss Party.—Fatrner Daty is unbought. Lorp Pat- MERSTON would not buy him, FRESH AS PAINT. For the last two or three weeks, it has been rather dangerous to walk through the streets of London. Though we have been favoured with a suceession of dry weather, the eam has been almost wet with paint. ey and householders have been vying with each other'to put on the smartest fronts to their houses. Ladders, taller than any pe, have obstructed the pavement in every direction. It is true that the Academy, and the other artistic societies, general! open in the month of May, but that is no reason why London itse should be, also, one vast exhibition of pai . Not evem the lamp- posts, or the railings, have escaped this bing infection. The crowded thoroughfares that have narrow pavements, have been all but impossible to traverse. QOne’s' only of safety was to walk in the middle of the road. We pitied the: ladies with their voluminous dresses. Lured by the gay attractions of the shops to peep into them, it was not always they paid attention to the inscription that was chalked on the pavement below, and sad and ruinous in many instances have been the consequenees, because their impulsive admiration could not be warned im time to “Beware or Tue Patyr.” Many a light- coloured dress has teturned home so: harlequinaded in effect that the modiste, from whose studio it had emanated, would be soy puzzled to recognise the emanation of her genius again. After such a poly- chromatic metamorphosis, it would — a clever milliner indeed to be able to know her own offspring. pcolours are fast enough, but rt ao pg 3 experiment that will not — er 4 {many a poor on e ery has lost his appetite for dinner s¢ the thought of the additional The ‘country, we believe, has beem, always recommended, if a lady wishes to get # little fresh colour. his is:quite a mistake; she must come up to Town about this time of the year, and we will warrant that she will get more colour in half am hour than the healthiest rural district could give her in a hundred years; and: as for freshness, what colour can be so fresh as that which has just come from the colour- man’s? Then there is the perfume, too! The fine invigorating smell of turpentine makes the Metropolis quite a nosegay, and throws the boasted flowers of the country quite into-the shade—so much so, that one cannot he!p turning up one’s nose at Spring and all the fragrant odours that Poets are so fond of associating with it. We should lose this healthy effect if the houses were painted when every one was out of Town; and it is with this view, —s that shopkeepers have wisely deferred resorting to the paint-brush till every one comes up for the season. We can imagine that there is a certain class of old fogies, who, afraid of their coat-tails being smeared a pea-green or a bright sky-blue, exclaim in their nervous indignation, “ Let go the Painter!” but depend upon it these are only hard-grained realists, who have no eyes for pictorial effect, and whose unpoetical nostrils are never tickled by any fragrance but that of rappee or Prince’s Mixture. It is not for such that London puts on her summer attire, though we must in honesty confess that she is a beauty rather addicted to perform her toilette in public a little too publicly, and that she does paint a trifle too much, GILLS THAT WANT NO STARCH. LavuNpREssEs, capable of reading, will be either amused or terrified by the subjoined advertisement, taken from the Manchester Guardian: | HE GREATEST NOVELTY OF THE DAY} ELASTIC STEEL SHIRT COLLARS, enamelled white, equal in appearance to the finest linen, le. 6d. each. BENAMELLED STEEL WRISTBANDS, for gentlemen. ENAMELLED STEEL GAUNTLETS, for ladies. liar, free by post, for 22 stamps. An old. woman might be disposed to laugh at the idea of a steel collar, as a sort of collar only fit for a dog, or to be worn as a piece of throat armour, to defend the wearer from mie any ag On the | other hand she may fear that if steel is found to answer for collars, the | employment of that material will soon be extended to shirts, which | will require no further washing than what can be effectually performed by the extemporaneous application of a wet towel. Steel shirts will | be followed by steel sheets, so soft and flexible that those who sleep between them will lie quite comfortably, and not at all as though | reclining on— “ Damiens’ bed of steel.” Sheets of steel, indeed, will supersede flaxen fabrics, and usurp the | place, and perhaps the name also, of Irish linen. } | | To Actors who are not Worth a Thought. WE notice that there is a book called Acting and Thinking, This | is to distinguish it, we imagine, from the generality of Acting, in | which there is mostly no Thinking?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. sy Na — SCENE—THE HILL. Irritated Swell (walking away). “I Te~t you I Don’? WANT TO BE BRUSHED!” Public. Coat-Brusher. “ OH, JUST TO MAKE YOU A LITTLE TIDY, MY LorD!” Swell. ‘‘I sHan’t pay you!” Coat-Brusher (still brushing), ‘*THaT AIN’T 0’ NO CONSEQUENCE, My LORD; BUT I SHOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU LOOK RESPECTABLE ! ” BLACK IS WHITE. Tue Rambler, a rational Roman Catholic journal, having, on occasion, remarked ference of the Church with scientific questions, that there are “‘decisions of the highest ecclesiastical courts which for generations fettered or prevented the course of science in several parts of Kurope,” the Zadlet, which goes the that observation :— “If the Church thought that a particular scientific opinion tended interest of man’s salvation ?” in roasting, a philosopher for disabusin and that Heaven was situated on the other side of the blue sky. How is it possible to believe one word that i city as those which are represented by the Zad/et ; and how part of their religion is humbug? DON DO AND DONE, that the, Government should leather Morocco into paying her debt. Considering the treatment of the Spanish bond- holders, this is cool. i C Spanish Government—not the most easily abashed—and it magnanimously declares, through its official organ, that “there is no fear of a war with Morocco. Government has decided not to undertake a war on a question of money!” Mighty magnanimous from a repudiating State, which owes Joun But more millions that it is ever likely to pay. Money, in slang, is called “‘the Spanish,” no doubt on the lucus a non lucendo principle, because out of the Spanish there is no getting money. Rural Insanity. kicked, writes that diving for an e warm weather is a process he has found to be egg-streamly | pleasant. THAT BLESSED DONKEY! Tue Pore, we read, lately visited his army at Torre de Valle. He gave his blessing: to two rifled cannon—thus insuring those blesséd cylinders against missing, upsetting, bursting, and all the other mis- fortunes which Popes cannot avert from themselves, but which they have only to hold up two fingers to ward off from anything they may vouchsafe to bless, from a donkey on St. Antony’s day to a devotee in the Holy Week. And so the consecrated cannon were solemnly sponged, cartridged, wadded, balled, rammed down, and laid. The lock was pulled, and the gun was fired. A os donkey a to be the only thing withm range, and was killed by the bullet! Punch the Excommunicate says this was an allegory—that none 4ué donkeys are likely to be within range of the Papal fire, and still more certainly none but donkeys are likely to be hurt by it. But the precedent raises a nice question for the papal Camera. What is the fate of the donkey that falls under a consecrated bullet, being at the time not in a state of mortal sin, ¢.¢., not being engaged in warfare against the Pork? To Mr. Punch, much considering these things, it appears probable that the virtue of the Papal benediction passes to the innocent sufferer, and that the Ass thus dying, is (like that other immortal wearer of an Ass’s head, Botfom,) “translated” into a higher state of animal existence, where he passes a beatific time of it, with St. Roch’s dog, St. Antony’s pig, St. Agnes’s lamb, St. Martin’s horse, and the other blesséd beasts familiar to us from Romish picture and Romish legend. In fact the horrors of martyrdom are fairly claimable for every donkey, which being—as donkeys usually are—friendly to the Porz, yet offers itself as a sacrifice to prove the death-dealing aim of the Papal cannons. The tribute is the more valuable, as those cannons are not considered so formidable just now, as in days when they thundered Pontifical bullets. : - In these godless times men are apt to consider their fire a mere brutum fulmen, and to treat them, in fact, as what the sailors call quakers, wooden cylinders painted, mounted, and run out like reat cannon to humbug an enemy. ¢ : One of the excommunicate, we propose this question :—“ If a Papal ball kill one donkey, how many will a Papal bull kill ?” THE LOUNGER’S LAMENT AT THE CRYSTAL PALACE FLOWER SHOW. Ou, WHERE, and oh, where, are my orange-tree leaves gone ? Last year how thick they clustered, fit for Flora on her throne ; And now—ah, me! they ’ve dropped off, or are dying, every one. Oh, where, and oh, where, did my orange-trees first grow P *T was in the South of France, quite a hundred years ago ; How sad that such old friends should now look so so-so ! Ob, what hath hurt my trees? my Grove, I prithee, tell. It can’t have been the gas,—that light excuse dis i; Perchance ’twas the cold winter that hath made them feel unwell. Suppose, oh! suppose, my orange-trees should die! _ The organ should peal o’er them its saddest notes, while I Would act as their chief mourner, and sit me down and cry! New Name yor tHE Parer Doty AssocraTIon :—The Council of Rheims (Reams), Printed by William Pew. N U Pere at' their Office Lomb 8 Sarunpar, June 8, 1861. per Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park, both in the Parish of St. Papene, to the in the Precinct of Whitefriars,in the City of London, 2 Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in County of Middlesex, Ske City of London.— [Jone 8, 1861. | , With a view to deprecate the inter- whole hog of Popery, thus comments, with reference to | to perplex the simple, we do not know how she is to be blamed if she | condemned the scientific gentlemen, or even corrupted science in the | At this rate, the Church would be justified not only in | telling a lie, but also in condemning a man for telling the | truth. She would be right in anathematising, and perhaps | : the mind of a | Catholic booby of the persuasion that the earth was flat, | ; hat is said by | people who entertain such opinions on the subject of vera- | much sincerity is there in the faith of those who avow that | Morocco owes Spain money. A party in Spain suggests It is indeed too cool even for the | A Country Correspondent, who seems anxious to be in a cool stream fhis. | from the Vatican, double-shotted with leaden du//e—the proper |

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June 15, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 239 |

| eis Mii Y ia im !

BEWARE, DARLINGS, OF ARTILLERY WHISKERS. TuIs 18 THE CRITICAL Position oF Louisa aND CapTaIN CHARLEY Banc—HiIs WHISKER CAUGHT IN HER EAR-RING, AND Papa KNOCKING AT THE Door!

ROBBING THE POOR. Tue Royal Commissioners tell us, in their report, that the present income of the Blue-coat School is £60,930-per annum. We wish the Commissioners had carried their investigations a little further. We should like to have known how much the really poor, for whose benefit the above charity was supposed to have been originally instituted, receive out of the above income; also, what is the station in life, and the go oy income of the parent of every toy who is domiciled there ; and how many of them keep carriages, &c.? The subject of presentations, also, would have formed a very curious chapter. We might have learnt if they are ever sold, or bartered, or trafficked in, or given away to ladies and — in easy com- fortable circumstances, who certainly would have paid for their children’s schooling if they had not got these educational free admissions for nothing. Gentility occa- siovally is not too proud to soil her white hands by accepting such gifts. It is true that Poverty suffers, but then is it not her hard lot to suffer; and besides is there not the Ragged School where she can send her children to, if she likes ? We are told that “ charity covers a multitude of sins,” and she needs a very large cloak indeed to hide all the errors and abuses committed by those who are entrusted with the sacred administration of its funds, and who either from weakness, or excess of good nature, or downright incapacity, do not know how properly to dispense them.

POLLY THE PORTER. Tue Messager du Nord states that on the Edinburgh and Glasgow line the Directors, in consequence of the neglect of the porters to call out the names of the stations, have placed Parrots at those points, and that the well-tutored birds shriek out the necessary information, to the perfect satisfaction of travellers. A con- ae affects to discredit the statement, but Mr. Punch believes that it is perfectly correct, except that the employment of the parrots was not rendered necessary by the neglect of the porters, but by their inability to make their pro- vincial utterances comprehended by educated travellers. The same inconvenience is felt in Yorkshire, Lancashire, Lincolnshire, and other semi-civilised regions, and Mr. Punch is happy to hear that the Directors on most of the lines have resolved to meet the difficulty in the same way as the Scotch authorities have done. A large and choice assortment of grey Parrots is now being trained at the! H Geographical Society’s house, and as soon as the birds are | sufficiently apt, they will be placed upon the various | stations. They will not interfere with the present porters, | who will yelp, clip, scream, grunt, and make the other noises comprehensible by the inhabitants of the localities, while to the inquiry of the Christian traveller, the accom- plished Parrot will politely and distinctly state, in English, | the name of the station at which the train may be stopping. | A brute of Mr, Punch’s acquaintance (a hateful brute) adds | that this finding employment for parrots is a logical con- | sequence of the new system of creating occupation for— | bas, no, Punch will be hanged if he writes a word against | omen.

POET CLOSE CHANGES HIS MIND. | “The ridiculous gift of a pension to the Westmoreland scribbler has been cancelled.” Wauat, take away the Poet’s cash! I call that action mean, | The man who’d do that brutal thing Ought not to serve a QuEEN. All that I said about old Pam I hereby do retract, I did not think him vile enough To do so low an act.

He is a humbug, born and bred, Merely a slave of Court, Without the courage and the pluck To do the thing he ought. In other days he was a buck, d persons called him Cupid; But now he’s an exploded tool, His speeches very stupid. I do believe he sold us all To Russia’s tyrant Czar, And he felt quite sorry that we won In the Crimean war. To give a thing and take a thing, I’ve heard a proverb old Declares is most contemptible, The “ devil’s ring of gold.” It shows that all these Lords are fools, Unfit to rule and sway, And England ought to be ashamed Of trusting such as they. A wretched paltry fifty pounds, To take it was disgrace, If Mister Pam would call on me Id fling it in his face.

He thinks to put me in a rage, The mean, old, wretched Sham, But here I solemnly declare I’m prouder as I am. To be a pensioned slave of state Unsuits my haughty mind, I choose to have my genius free Uneabbined, unconfined. I’ll lash all humbug as before, And brand all knavish scamps, © But freely praise the noble souls Who send me postage stamps. And when old Pam goes down below, His <r T’ll pen ** Here lies the wretch who pensioned CLosz, And took it away again.’

Notice of Motion. Mr. Puncu.—To ask the Chief Commissioner of Public Works, or any other Honourable Gentleman who can give the desired information, whether there is at present before the House any private Bill containing any crafty clause

mgd framed to legalise the enclosure of Hampstead ea

VOL, XL, BB

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a aR PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jose 15, 1861. z— i { a me las SKI DOUBTFUL. UNSOPHISTICATED FrrenpD. *‘ Well, look here, I’m not a Betting Man myself, but to oblige you, I don’t mind putting a Monkey on the ‘ Drum’ Sor the’ Leger.” PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. June 3, Monday. The House of Lords, for some reason, always assumes special care of Ireland, a fact which may account for a few of the curiosities of Irish — and domestic economy. ‘To-night their lordships had a debate on the Galway Packet business, Lorp Normansy opening the game, as at chess a feeble pawn makes way for a knight and bishop. What Normansy said, is, of course, of no consequence, except as additional evidence of his fatuity. He was some of his former colleagues. This from Normanzy, who in other days was a silver-fork Liberal, who was called, by \O’ConnELt the “unparalleled Normansy,” and who went about as the sort of Pretty Boy of the Melbourne administration, delivering gaols, pardoning political offenders, and generally doing the Liberal sentimentalibus and who in his late days Soopenn courtier to the Italian despots an advocate in chief against the King of Italy and Garrsator. It was not in human nature, even in that of the good-natured GRANVILLE, not to give the vane old weathercock a spin for this. The Packet question was discussed, as was the much more important question whether the Irish Members had “taken action” upon the subject. On looking to the division-list Mr. Punch observes that out of the 105 Irish repre- sentatives, 73 voted against Government on the Paper-duty Bill, and 8 of these had previously voted on the other side. Whereby it is clear that the Screw has been put on in Ireland, only of course, being an Trish screw, it turned the wrong way, and there has been only a scandal andasmash. Lorp GraNviLLE stated that Government had not come to a decision as to the advisability of a line of Packet service from Galway to America. What did Mr. Punch vaticinate last week ? The next step will show how Government proposes to arrive at that decision. Lorp Eetinton was rather tournamenty, and said that even if the Tories had given the Galway contractors a job, it was not so bad as the conduct of the Liberals in throwing away the Paper Duty to please the penny papers and Bricut. Lorp CLANRICARDE thought the Irish Members were not such “fools” as to suppose that they could coerce Lornp Patmerston. ‘The Postmaster-General defended the repudiation of the Contract, and declared that the Galway Company had done nothing in accordance with their agree- ments, and would not even propose terms by which they would consent to be finally bound. Lorp Brovenam thought that Farner Daty ought to be brought to the bar of the Commons, to declare whether the sense-abandoned enough to try a weak taunt ai the “inconsistency” of | G Irish Members had sent him to make a bargain with the Minister. So ended the discussion, for Normansy, having moved for papers which did not exist, obligingly expressed his willingness not to press for them. The Paper-Duty Abolition Bill passed the Commons, amid cheering from the Liberals. Mr. Punch, with incalculable generosity, instantly frebled the Salaries of all his Young Men, from WHEws.t down to the Wiscount, but, with inconceivable sagacity, made the new arrange- ment commence from the day the Lords should read the Bill the Second Time. This amiable device ensured the zeal of all his Disin- scogg Young Patriots in urging the measure through the Upper ouse. Among matters hardly worth mention was a statement of Sm Caries Woop that there was an Indian Deficit of Two Millions, so he would just ask for Four, but should want some more by-and-by for Railways. It was voted, of course Ma. Cowrer y announced that the Mangle-Wurzle lot are te show their fat beasts and fizz- ploughs in the Regent’s Park, Mr. Pusch only hopes that the pro- vincial dialects will not be very offensive to Mr. SciatEr’s fashionable animals at the Z. In answer to Mz. Tom Doncomssz, the Home Secretary said that the only way to get rid of Metropolitan Toll-Bars was for the parishes to agree to charge the expenses on the rates. This is just a bit of the bosh officials think enough for the House. A particular road through a certain parish happens to be a great thoroughfare. The parish gains nothing by the increased traflic, but the road is cut to pieces every three months by people going to and coming from London. Why is the individual parish to bear the expense? Roads area national concern, The Pagan Romans knew this, and their roads are good now. The Christian English do not, and local Boors are permitted to squabble over rates, while travellers are up to the axles in muddy cross-lanes. Really important was Lorp Jonn’s announcement that we interdict i ing to either side in the the Armed Ships and the Privateers American conflict from coming into our Waters with prizes. France merely excludes their Privateers, after twenty-four hours’ shelter. Mr. Punch doubts whether Casstus will like to put our resolution into his Clay pipe and smoke it. Yet mo one can say that we are ina hurry to tread on American corns. The House, later in the week, flatly refused to hear Mz. Grecory, who desired to state the case of the ionists. Tuesday, This Faruer Daty is disinclined to be put down. He probably sniffs future business in connection with the Galway affair, and desires to stand ¢otus teres atque rotundus. So he employed, of all Lords, the exemplary CLANRICARDE to make a speech for him, and to say that the Father meant not! like putting the Irish Screw on Lorp Patmerston, but only that “action” was to be “taken” in a national way. Lorp Broveuam did not exactly put his fingers to his nose at this statement, because taking such action, or sight, would not have been in accordance with the habits of the Aristocracy, but he intimated that he had lived some time in the world, andsoon. Mr. | Punch does not see what this Priest has to. do with these American | boats, except, to be sure, that they go to “‘ Mass.” Lorp Ricnarp Grosvenor took his seat for Flintshire, where the Conservatives have been defeated, partly by the exertions of Mr. LADSTONE, and partly, it seems, by their own negligence; for the Tory Liverpool Mail eloquently declares that “no week ne, not even a scorching sunbeam dipped in scalding gall, could sufficiently stigmatise the Conservative sneaks.” Wauattey fulfilled his threat of going in at Ma ong oy, was promptly sat upon by a majority of 191 to 114; and then Ma. Denmay brought up the case of the Baron pe Bons, and carried a Select Committee, against the Government, by 134 to 112. This spectral Baron Bone is the Bodach Glas for Chancellors of Exchequer. Wednesday. More very grave spovahilzing on the Galway Alliance against PALMERSTON, and then Members went away to help Paince ALBERT in opening Arcadia. Thursday. Suddenly, and, to human apprehension, at an unfortunate moment for Italy, the statesman who has worked out her liberation, | expires. After a brief illness, reported to be terminating perme Count Cavour died, this day. The melancholy event was befittingly agen to in the House of Lords, by the representatives of all sides in politics. ndia claimed the Commons. Sra Caantes Woon in three speeches introduced three Bills. Most English people have a hazy notion that the Government of India is somehow managed by a mixture of Elephants and Cummerbunds, tempered by Adjutants and Juggernauts, with a final appeal to the Bishop of Calcutta. It is of no use explain- ing to them that Sir C. Woon’s plans are to increase the Legislative Council, to admit natives largely to it and to other important trusts, and to construct new courts of law. Persons really interested in the subject will read the debate. he Industrial Schools Bill made progress, Mr. Hentey as usual growling against the power that it is proposed to give the Magistrates to deal with little offenders whose parents are vicious. Friday, The event of the night amply justified Mr. Punch’s generous

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| | June 15, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. et subtle dodge. There was a great muster of Peers on the Second Reeding of the Paper Bill. Lorp GranviL1Lz e his speech, and the Duxe or Ruttanp proposed that the Bill should be read a second time that day six months. Mr. Punch’s Young Men stood round the Throne, and suddenly let fiy a volley of winks at Lonp Densy. The | Eart winked esthetically in reply, rose, and dashed into a gallant | attack on Government, Giapstonz, and the measure itself. He justi- ' fied the Lords for what they had done last year, and said that though | and juggled by the Wonderful Man!” | Papers, and the Band-Box Interest, and he wo | the Bill had been thrown out, Ministe Mr. Grapston had not been at all grateful for the money they had saved him, he had taken it. People said, “ What a Wonderful Man is Mr. Guapstonz!” and he echoed the sentiment, with the addition * What a wonderful body is the House of Commons, to be so eajoled i ne ag - mg see o- an dy wou t an the Repeal of the Duty (another volley o winks Some 5 8 ¥. M.) except the bina 94 of the Penny d thank Lorp Gran- VILLE not to say “ wropping up,” but “wrapping up,” in paper. If inisters would not have resigned ; their only resignation would have beena calm one at the thought of the benefit conferred on them. The Lords had a perfect right to alter Money Bills, but it was not expedient to enforce that right. On the whole, the Government Finance was all wrong, the remission of the Paper-Duty was foolish extravagance, and the system of annual instead of permanent taxation was most dangerous—and therefore he should not permit the Bill to be opposed on the Second Reading, or at “y, other stage. he Bishops bolted to dinner the moment they found that they should not be wanted, and most of the Lay Lords were equally coarse in their tastes; for though very few speeches justify your aggravating our cook, a smart oration from Lorp Dexsy is a pleasure wort uying at the price of an apology to the former artist. There was some more debating. The Duxe or Arcyrut defended the Bill; Lorp Grey scattered sarcasm, and compared the Government, now preach- ing retrenchment, now vaunting our defences, to the celebrated lawyer firm in the Antiguary. ‘ When it is fair weather with the client, out comes the gentleman partner to fawn like a spaniel; when foul, forth bolts the operative brother to pin like a bull-dog.” Lorp GRANVILLE declared that he had a right to say “ wropped,” and demanded whether he ought to say “Derby” or “Darby,” and told a good story against Eanu Grey; and in this pleasant and dignified way the great Paper Battle came to an end. In the Commons, Siz Rosert Peet, Lorp Joun Russett, Mr. M. Miuygs, and Lorp Patmerston, spoke like statesmen and gentlemen, upon the great loss to Italy. A person called Zhe O’DonocuuE emitted some ultra-montane profanity on the subject. Many worthy Irishmen have a touch of madness, but we had thought that there were no Irish Idiots. Mr. ConincHam denounced the late appointment of GenzRaL EDEN as a most atrocious Horse Guards job, and the excessive debility of the defences offered for it was remarkable. Sim J. TRELAWNY was sar- castic on certain officers who always raise a how! if a job is pointed at, and he intimated that they should show more taste, and that their con- duct made him think that they looked for jobs in their own favour. grant of £133,276 was made forthe Volunteers, Lonp Excuo speaking spiritedly and well, and Henry Bexxketey making great fun of the eomanry. Saturday, Great excitement in the City in consequence of the enor- mous withdrawal of gold from the Bank for the purpose of making the new payments to Mr. Punch’s Young Men. Traffic was entirely sus- pended, and Brrcn’s had used up eleven large turtles before twelve 0 Felony v. Fine Arts. THE Government have granted the Royal Irish Academy £100 a year for the Recovery of Antiquities in Ireland, through the agency of the constabulary, his is a new function for a police force, who have hitherto been employed rather in suppressing vice than in encouraging virtu—who are generally considered fitter for arrests than archeology, and more conversant with handcuffs than hand-books. But it is an Trish fashion to convert things to unheard-of purposes—to use old hats for repairing broken windows, and to convert jaunting-cars into hen-roosts. One thing, at all events, the constabulary may be relied on to do for buried treasures of antiquity that may exist in Ireland— they are certain to ¢ake them up, LATEST FROM LAMBETH, *'Wuatr’s the row about the Galway job?” asked a young M.P. of the humorous and honourable Member for Lambeth. * “Oh,” replied the Wiscount, “the scheme was a dead failure ; but by getting Govern- ment aid the directors hoped to Galwaynise it into some vitality.” A Hixt to Buriies.—England never enters upon a War while she can help it, but never comes out while her enemies can help themselves. SQUIRTO GENTIL! 4 Gush of Poetry that welled forth from a Sentimental Being, after taking a Turkish Bath, Air—“ Spirto Gentil.” QurRTo gentil! Pleasant to feel, From head to heel, Squirto gentil ! Exquisite souse douse: Of stout and slim : of muscle How it quickens the brain, Brings again, And fits it anew For the work it must 0. Health-restorer, life- . liver, And relieves at a touch Men who’ve dined out too much. Stead of taking blue - When you chance to feel ill, A Turkish bath take, In the hot room go bake. *T will do you great good To be soaped and shampooed ; And although I dare say That you wash every day, You’ll come away clean As you never have been. Then ere leaving the house You’ve that exquisite douse, Like a fine cooling rain, Good for body and brain. Quite a new man you’!l feel Through that squirto gentil! BLACK AND WHITE LABOURERS. Britons never ‘will be Slaves, otherwise some of them would be lad to change places with the Niggers alluded to in one of Mr. ILLIAM RussE11’s letters from Montgomery to the Zimes :-— “* These people are fed by their master. They have upwards of half-a-pound per diem of fat pork and corn in abundance. They rear poultry, and seli their chickens and eggs to the house. They are clothed by their master. He keeps them in sick- —_ fo in health. Now and then there are gifts of tobacco and molasses for the eserving.” The liability to be sold and cowhided is the only circumstance which might perhaps prevent the lot of these slaves from being envied by the British agricultural labo be luxury beyond the dreams of the rustic ironically and the idea of rearing peairy, and selling chickens and eggs, he would laugh at as a likely joke for hi he is too happy to receive a pair of breeches at the meeting of an agri- cultural society, for having worked on the same farm for half a century. He is fortunate, in illness, to get a bottle of “stuff” from the Union Doctor. The children, whom he rears with meritorious industry upon dry bread, hardly know the taste of treacle; and as to tobacco, let him work as hard as he may he never even receives a guid pro quo, What Blondin will do Next. A Rumovr is afloat that, after his engagement with the Crystal Palace Company, M. BLonpIN means to make a mid-air voyage over London, walking on the wires of the Electric District Telegraph, which = are stretched across the Strand, and well-nigh every thain street. giver, How it freshens the | Is that cold water | How it braces each | lim And sets up one’s | For workaday bustle. | | it vigour | ' | | t urer. Half-a-pound daily of fat pork would | ed a chaw- | bacon, whose grinders have scarcely ever a bit of bacon between them, | Corn in abundance is what he never sees except growing in the fields; | m. As to being clothed by his master, |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [June 15, 1861. Yy, | V//) WW) VTL TLL bhabh beds LLY 77 V/, Wo MUU ULL VOM Li aS Ypy > © i . « : : DUET, Short-Sighted Oficer. “Senceant! Get tHat Man’s Harr Cur iMepiatety!” And now, if your subsidy Galway accepted, D’ye think ’twas to carry your low dirty mail ? No! the money she got, and small blame if she kept it, Though the terrums of contract in keeping she fail. Was our grand Celtic nature—that’s po’thry incarnate— To be held to your base Saxon toimes, Saxon toides ? THE INDIGNATION OF OIRELAND. (THROUGH HER MIMBERS.) Wuart! Oirishmen yield to the base love o’ lucre ? The moighty, Milesians be bought and be sould? Ry nee seen Sel fat ween me ee a ne, Go muzzle the ocean, your gag it will spurn at ithdrawing the base bru’ elp of his gould. Z: oan, at— 6 af s Go fetter the wind, that your fetther deroides ! Is’t myself, ye say, offered to vote for the Budget, | Pare sy f his mane Galway subsidy Pam would renew? 5. UTS Gi eo I ue foul calumny back, where I judge it Will stick—in their throats that can hould the tale thrue. Who dares say that I e’er to a job showed a lanin’— That black is the white of my deep rollin’ oye? Let the dastard but say ’t, and, when clare of his manin’, It’s meself will be kickin’ the ruffian skoy-hoigh. _Would I durty the hand that is clare of all staining Since the days of Mac Murroves and Baran Boru ? Would I stoop the proud head, that the Saxon disdeining, Has still bid his laws, writs and bailiffs, “‘go to” ! If the purse of the Saxon was lyin’ afore me, Wid its curséd contints, shoinin’ broight on the flure, D’ye suppose that I’d stoop? By the mother that bore me, I’d pass by, wid contimpt, and look down on the lure. “What wilt thou Do, Renowned Salisbury?” Sarispury being the tallest Spire in England, the Bishop deems it his duty to be first in attacking the Seven Hssayists. For a kindred architectural reason, we suppose, he puts Dr, RowLanp WILLIAMS into the Court of Arches. We can see no other defence for what appears to Mr. Punch to be a huge episcopal Bull, with the largest dilemma Horns. Dr. Wiitiams insists on our using the Verifying Faculty in dealing with theology, and the Bishop proposes to use the verifying Faculty of Advocates to prove that we have no right to ask proof of anything. Truly, in future, the ridiculed Nolo Episcopart may not be the mere conventionalism it has been deemed, but may express the reluctance of a clever man to put on a Shaftesbury Night-cap. The Galway Subsidy Company. Or if to 4 hands on’t I e’er condiscinded, *Twould be wid a vow, writ my bosom within, That the dross I’d be usin’, until it was inded, To damage the Saxons, that furnished the tin. When you gave us your help, in the hour of our famine, Tis thrue that we stretcht out our hands for your dole ; But the very same mouths that your victuals was crammin’ Was mutt’rin’ a curse on the base Saxon’s soul. Some surprise may have been occasioned by the circumstance that the principal negotiator with Government on behalf of the Galway Steam Packet Company was FaTHer Daty, an Irish Roman Catholic —, therefore presumably unconnected with secular speculations. ut the object of the negotiation was to obtain a contract, and receive a subsidy without performing the contract. The Galway Subsidy Company, as it had better be called, wanted to get £6,000 a month for nothing. Fataer Daty was just the boy to plead the cause. Does not the Church of Rome encourage mendicity ?

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/ ws ‘ - IP PLS O Fag = f Kh fis ppt P él Ap pivapaepepateh ar ipa y LE ee ili ; J, Goo Vey “SZ LN", \I") \ F SA Gj Yy LEAL: MM) yo... MW Yu ney Vj Mi fp Le YW 4 4 fil 4, is iY Y yA Loe Lp, LLP PLP LIID TL Led 7 i Vor Wis SLL TTI aaa hy pT y Y, WL if {MILT LE NAML: VB Z ty Y fYZE aay Vi) YY YY Vy ZT 7 y Z 7, 7 “ / P44 UWA \ f. Y YY Y jg Ley (01. 4 J 6 u AG a MAN FOR GALWAY. Pam (Jog.). “OHO! FATHER DALY! NOW I THINK I UNDERSTAND YOU.” CLLAV Ah, jz Yel UZ Ade MAPA | Wade ~~ ea Up THE PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Jonz 15, 1861. Lf SS ea SILLA pa — Pe ———— V2 a ae DIEZ LZ/, Sa Gy fl pep ihe Ley, / $ufty Y V4, , GS /y ig AU | SHV Y f v V4 [7 Va,

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Jor 15, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 245 ‘A NEAT KIND OF LORD. withdrawing the Galway contract, he, Jonny Bacwet, not being i “considers it his du! put power to the Tory p’ Poet Crosz was bad enoug that he has leisure why cannot he attend some evening adult school? many in Westminster, and the c Agcy might slip out of the 3 ] k again as justly proud as a dog with two tails. g to resign his office, and hopes It will meet the approval of his friends in Clonmel.” What he means by It is not clear—perhaps what he namely, “the office,” at which doubtless a lot of hungry-eyed Clonmelians woul like to make a . But what he does sof mean Jonn BacGwett makes more clear, though his lish is Irish. **T do not mean to do anything which would Really, Lonp PaLMerston must be spoken to. but the idea of making a Lord of Treasury out of a person who has Bacwszit’s views of composition! We never heard of the man before, and are not frantically eager to hear of him again, until educated; but now ere are is very small (sixpence a week, we believe), ouse, improve himself for an hour and come “Pat power to the Tory party.” O, bedad, but if a dacent bo start for Clonmel, at the next in, a moi wrong if he’s rejected on the nema cdnestiansl tak. SIMPLICITY OF THE DIVISION OF LABOUR. Di Husband, How is it you mever do any work now? [ don’t think I have seen you with an and thread in your hands for weeks and weeks together. Indolent Wife ‘arg 3 lusuriantly on the sofa). Yes, my dear, it is true; but then there is no necessity for it, since = were kind enough to buy me that wonderful Sewing- Husband. By the bye, who works that, I should to know? I think I saw yon suing it once, when first me, pach awry, 2 and that is Indolent a o) ay oe id to attend to it. e rocks works the 1 with the And, moreover, it gives me i and I Ags and és [Takes of life. F i= Em "i I get Janz, the nursery- the cradle with one foot, other. I can assure you she really believe that the noise E B seh th é i : up soon lost in the mysteries demimondane True Kindness. Gewerosity, we are told, consists not so much in the — of og you confer as in the ae he 7 you w it; thus, in giving a poor man a kick, the great point to be observed ° whether you present it to him with your hand, or your boot.* * We must come to the rescue of our highly moral, but somewhat egy. cer rete, tad cameeioniy ties en, Ene current in St. Giles’ and at the ‘eens “kick” is as answers to the value of a Sixpence.—Ep. coin that FASCINATION AND FIDDLE-FADDLE. In a notice of the fancy bazaar lately held at the French Embassy, our fashionable contemporary says :— “ Marra Marcuioness or Armessury presided at the refreshment stall, and few cwereye were able to resist the fascinating manner in which she offered a cup of tea in exchange for half a sovereign.” j | | } | was offered them in exchange for it. O | hats The massing. of this statement is not so clear as an inquiring mind would wish. The many | egg = who were unable to resist the fasci- nating manner in which lady above-named offered a cup of black tea in exchange for half-a-sovereign, yielded, of course, to that fascinating manner. How did they yield to it? Not in yielding half- a-sovereign, for they must have already yielded that, if the cup of tea in the backs of music-books we see numerous pictures of tlemen apparently yielding to the fasci- nating manner of ladies. e gentlemen are generally represented on their knees, to the great danger of bursting their tight pantaloons with their night hands pone to their hearts, and left hands extended towards the lady, both hands encased in tense white kid gloves, Their and canes are also generally deposited together with themselves at the lady’s feet. A faint attempt at the expression of wretchedness pears in the slight contraction of their brows, ruffling the serenity of their otherwise regular features. The lady, attired in the newest fashionable style, is usually depicted sitting with her face half-averted from her suppliant ; one of her jewelled hands held out towards him, and the other uplifted in slight surprise, subdued by the controlling influence of educated deportment. Her head is hung a little on one side; her eyes are elevated as though with a serious aspiration for the grace of demeanour proper to the occasion. The varieties of fascinating manner, which, portrayed in gayest colours, attract the eye in piano- shop windows, are sO many modifications of ae and gesture, Elegant postures and gestures seem to be the Mesmerism of fashion- time sumption causing & repletion, found in able life, Did gesticulations and attitudes of that sort constitute the inating manner which few persons at the French fancy bazaar were able to resist? If so, by what demonstrations was the inability of resistance to it expressed? They were perhaps worth seeing. ur surmises derive a seeming confirmation from the conclusion of the paragraph above quoted :— “The Bazaar will be continued this day and Saturday; and on the latter day — will be a tombola for the magnificent objects presented by the Emprror and Did the gentlemen who took part in the ¢ombola tumble on their Sen mre the ladies whose fascinating manner they were incapable DIFFERENCE oF! Dispostrion.— War is an unnatural monster, who devours his own children: Peace is a loving mother, whose whole time | is devoted to the bringing up of her numerous olive-branches. A Lrrerary Advertisement announces the publication of— Then comes the name of the author—a of Botany Bay is evidently quite respectable ; or else the reader might be disposed to conjecture ‘hat the other mostly wri of a iar character, with remarkable titles, mg instance, The Mill, A Turn at the Crank, The Oakum-Pickers, The Ti of Trouble, and Siz Months in the Jug; and as Australia has for some past declined to receive our involun Tue Turkish Bath is just now having a tion at the table. It is to be feared that oth ainda of it producing climates. attendance would but turn there would be little ond shampooi from the latter o ~ oag which has the adi A BOLD TITLE FOR A BOOK. “This day, in Fcap. 8vo, Price 6s, cloth, Borany BAY, AND OTHER POEMS.” tleman whose experience above referred to are emigrants, the pre- would be that the author of ieee ey is an old offender. THE BOTANICAL TURKISH BATH, s great run, by reason of oon flow of perspiration, and thus relieving diseases of w are not uncommon; piece: Pape from over-exer- . hat this valuable remedial re- into cnet in consequence of the abuse tion of the liver, and other diseases of hot A tolerably efficient substitute for the Turkish Bath will be the Victoria ae House at Kew; and if the man in the garden-engine hose upon the spectators, to distinguish the former vantage of being gratuitous. A Conclusive Answer. Says Gray to Du Cuan, “I don’t want to rile you, ; But you set up preposterous s.” s Du Cuaritv to Gray, “1 don’t care what you say, For—you called Dr, Livincstove names.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 15, 1861. Pn \ Glin at Ln got such a splendid Head for my Picture of the ‘ Canting Hypocrite Entavstastic Artist. “My dear Sir, keep that Expression for one moment! You've | in-Seine-o.”” For the firs THE IRISH AUCTION. Ox, what shall we say for this neat Irish Member, His wants being many, his havings are small, Ah! your hearts are as cold as the brooks in December, Will you say for this gentleman nothing at all ? What nothing at all for this pure legislator ? all we say but a shilling, a sixpence, a groat ? He’s the boy that will vote for the best valuator ; Do you think that the best will appraise him at nought! Nought bid for this genuine jewel of Erin! This patriot ; nought for this broth of a boy! Going, going at nought, at the price of a share in The Steam Packet Company you won’t employ. Noses nought, for this type of political virtue, for nought going, going; his vote he would pawn. And you’ll bid nothing more, as the offer would dirt you; | And he’s going at nought, going, going, and gone! Jokes Served up at the Shortest Notice. Some one was reading out of a newspaper that a man, who was supposed to be a lunatic, had flung himself from the Pont des Arts into the Seine, when Wiscount WILLIAMs, who, if there is a mistake to be made, is always ready, ex- claimed, without the slightest hesitation: ‘‘ That only corro- borates the truth of the Poet’s line, ‘ Mens insana in t time, we regretted that the | Wiscount had not expressed himself in English. ec learned yp» JOHNSON AND BLONDIN. Extracted, by permission, from the latest edition of BoswEL1’s Life of Dr. Jonnson. Tae next day was Saturday, and I called upon my revered friend in the Temple, and after some hesitation I mentioned that | had pur- chased tickets of admission to the Crystal Palace, to see the feats of the French acrobat, BLonpix, who was to exhibit that day. I said that I did not know whether I should go or not. - “ Sir,” said Dr. Jounson, “ why do you tell me a lie? You know that you have resolved upon witnessing this Frenchman’s exhibition, and the weakness of the desire is less culpable than the cowardice of the mendacity that would veil it.” : I admitted that I had a curiosity to behold an instance of the power of courage and skill in surmounting difficulties of a grave nature. _ ** You are a humbug,” said my venerated friend. “ You care nothing for the fellow’s courage or skill, but you have a vulgar desire to go with the multitude, and perhaps a concealed hope that you may present at a painful catastrophe.” E I urged that the Prince or Watzs, my Sovereign’s eldest son, had witnessed the sight, and rewarded the performer with a medal. My honoured friend became exceedingly angry. “Do not,” he said, “drag the name of a member of the Royal Family of these realms (royal, de facto, he added with a murmur to himself) into your miser- able plea. The Paince or Wags, in not refusing to join in a trans- atlantic holiday, was gracefully discharging an instalment of the duty for which he was accredited to the West. You have no busiggss on Sydenham Hill, and if you had a medal, so far from bestowing upon Bionpiy, you would stick if upon your own hat, and repeat the Paoli farce. ‘Let me hear no such nonsense.” But my character, as is well known, is one of invincible fortitude and pertinacity, and when I know myself to be in the night, I am not easily put down. I therefore returned to the charge with a courage which almost astonished myself. “ Prspak sang the praises of horse-racing, Dr. Jonnsoy,” I replied. “A horse is not a Frenchman, nor are you a PixpaR,” retorted my revered friend, with that quickness which belonged to him. The lively sally restored his good humour, for he added, “you are not even a Pipa of Wakefield, though in your heart you despise Gotpy’s Vicar of that locality.” highly of Gotpsmrtn’s little tale as some did, I was far from despising an elegantly written and moral fable. I then said, “ Dr. Jonson, will you do me the fayour to come and see Blowin ?” 2 He laughed, and said I was putting him to the experimentum Crucis— which I afterwards thought a most felicitous phrase, because the Frenchman had of transcription, This was unjust, and I told him that though I did not think s6° to “cross ” the transept. I doubt not that I have lost hundreds of equally good things through my culpable negligence for this sight, I should have peremptorily refused, because I am not justified in contributing to bribe a fellow-creature, though only a Frenchman and a mountebank, to risk the loss of his life. But as you have paid for the tickets, and as I shall not repay you, the onus is with | yourself, and I will accompany you.” é ** We are at the Crystal Palace,” I remarked, as the train entered the station. 5 i : f P hay by building is not of Crystal, noris it a Palace,” said my illustrious rien The name, I said humbly, was given by Mr. Punch, “ Mr, Punch is a great authority,” said Dr. Jounson, removing his hat for a moment, “‘and I willingly accept his nomenclature, The fact had escaped me.” : So ready was he to own an error, when it was properly brought before him. ; , “ Mr. Punch,” he continued, “is most fortunate in selecting deno- | minations, It was he who gave the name of Arcadia to that new | arcaded Garden and locality at South Kensington; a name which I | observe the journals are all adopting without acknowledgment of the original inventor. But few can so well afford to be robbed, though | 2 — of the Bank of England is no excuse for the criminality of | e burglar.” We proceeded across the beautiful garden, and my revered friend, | whose classic recollections were ever ready, pointed to the Mercury on one of the water-temples, and remarked that there was a BLonpry | ready perched. I said “Stat in eternum,” but was immediately and sternly rebuked by my honoured friend for light use of a word signi- fying eternity. “ But,” he added, playfully, “do not be cast down, | for you yourself are an everlasting donkey.” This re-assured me, and | we ascended to the gallery, and took our seats. Gazing down upon the vast area, on the sides of which, and around it, were nearly ten thousand persons, Dr. Jonson whispered, slily, * 3) by a single cord?” I felt hurt, for ag: wounding to think that the greatest moralist of the age seriously contemplated my coming to be hanged. . “ Do not be a fool,” said Dr. Jounson, kindly. ‘ You will repose in your Scottish mausoleum, followed by an incalculable array of semi- denuded Caledonian boors; so be happy, and survey mankind.” : The Frenchman came upon the rope, ran, tumbled, stood on his head, feigned to slip, lay down, walked backwards blindfolded, and performed his other extraordinary gymnastic feats at an height of one hundred and eighty feet from the floor that had been cleared below. Military music played, the vast assembly applauded, and tear: into my eyes. i ~ “* What are you blubbering for ?” said my illustrious friend, “ : envy that poor acrobat his triumph, or do you imagine th» yourself could perform those feats better? In the first alterna sentiment is unworthy, in the second the vanity is egregious.” “Why, Sir,” he said, “if you had asked me to purchase a ticket Thus did he ever seek to improve my mind and heart, and»): © you think as many persons would come to see you supported | I am conscious of many short-comings, it was | ad ever | gee i — BES asoes eo 2emss E f { ! ‘ ( f

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Junu 15, 1861.] | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 247 T not owe to him? I told him, however, that he misjudged me, and that I was weeping to think that ten thousand of my fellow-creatures | had assembled to derive excitement from the chance of a French | mountebank breaking his neck. ** Spare your tears, and stow your twaddle,” responded my venerable | friend. “They have come for no such savage purpose. They have | heard that a person has acquired the art of safely walking on a sus- | pended cord, and they evince a laudable desire to witness a triumph of courage and of skill, Do you de your fellow subjects to the level of the Roman spectators of gladiator-fights? Is there one person in that crowd who would turn up the thumb, if doing so would bring down that acrobat to that floor ?” t I did not dare to remind him that he had summarily crushed my own plea in his chambers, but I asked him whether he would take anything to drink. He was condescending enough to partake of a bottle of Scottish ale with me, and seasoned it by a good humoured jibe at my selecting liquor bearing the name of my country. f : _ “The health of the French acrobat, with the American reputation, in a tumbler of Scotch ale!” he said. aes “ Drunk by Dr. Jonnsow,” I ventured to add, “whose reputation is neither French, nor American, nor Scotch, nor English, but universal.” “You are a thundering humbug,” said my revered friend, smiling. I have reason to believe that he was pleased, for he permitted me to pay the cab from the terminus to the Temple. A BRIGHTENER AT BRIGHTON. E chanced the other evening to converse with a young lady, to whom—when we had talked about the weather and the pic- tures, and asked her how she liked the last Crystal Palace Concert, and if she thought M. Fecx- TER as funny as CHARLES EAN, and how many pairs of gloves she had lost upon the Derby, and whether she in- tended to pay any of her bets, and how it was we had not seen her at Lorp Snoozxiz’s, and whether she was going to Mr, Srur- GEON’S pic-nic, and could she play well t- BRIGHTOY 1 amp L1) shaped bonnet, and if she fancied the Gorillas would look prettier if they shaved—we put the question, had she been to Brighton yet this summer, and this leading conversation to seaside things in general, we were startled by her saying that she “never thaw the thea!” In our surprise at this confession we were so brutal as to ask her, what could be her are; whereupon she simply told us she was “theventeen latht Thenthuth:” which we believe to be within not more than five years of the truth. As we learnt that this young lady had lived half her life in London, her statement that she never yet had seen the sea, appeared to our mind so incredible that we well-nigh lost our character for gallantry by doubting it; but having now a full belief in its veracity we do not hesitate to place it upon record here in Punch. This we do that we may use it as a text for a short sermon which we think it well to reach to fathers of a family, anent the good effects of a draught of resh sea air, and the cheap rate at which that saline dose is now pro- curable. For half-a-crown a head, O Cockney Paterfamilias, you may take your wife and grown-up daughters down to Brighton, and there let them fill their lungs for nine hours at a stretch with enough sea air on Mondays to last them through the week. Half-a-crown a head for health and happiness combined! where is the doctor that could sell you such a dose? However beneficial it may be in its effects doctor’s stuff is anything but pleasant to one’s palate: but a mouthful of sea air leaves no unpleasant taste behind it, and they who are pre- scribed it are very often clamorous to have another dose. Prevention is at all times far better than cure; and men who fear est their small income may scarce suffice for their large family, had better guard against the chance of having a big doctor’s bill by taking all their children at half-price down to rig ton, and infecting them With health so as to make them illness-proof. By giving them a good at Aunt Sally, and what she thought of M. Bionpry and the spoon- | d blow out upon the beach of the balmy sea-side breezes which are always kept on draught there, he will probably avoid the costly journey to the doctor’s, which lungs and limbs pent up and prisoned in large cities are sure soon or late to need. Unlike the tonics sold by chemists, which are bitter to the taste, the tonic of sea air is sweet, as well as strengthening; anid now that one’ may get it at half-a-crown a dose, the most economic parent cannot grumble at its cost. To make them beautiful and keep them well, is the duty of all Britons who have daughters to bring UP ; and the facilities afforded by the Brighton Railway Compass (who own the cheapest, most comfortable of lines, and civilest of Traffic Managers), have cones sea air within the reach of every s lungs, and the man who would refuse his children a day’s breathing-time is unworthy of the name of Samira or Brown which he was hort to. “To Hastings and back” for three and sixpence each, and “to Portsmouth and back” for the same extensive sum, are trips within the means of only millionnaires. But “to Brighton and back” for half- excursion that the modestest of mothers may prescribe, for the health of Betsey-Jane or dear Awettan-Annx. Their big brothers too, who earn perhaps a pound a week, would do wisely to lay by a certain rtion of that sum, until they can afford to take their sweetheart own to srightans 208 ive her half-a-crown’s worth of health by the sea air. Moreover, shrivelled lawyers’ clerks who scribble out at elbows for some ten dull hours a lo be the brighter in their looks and wits for nine hours spent at Brighton. A brightener at Brighton does both brain and y good, and, now it is obtainable at half-a-crown nen all bodies blest with brains of course will take advantage of it. CONSERVATORY CONCERTS. To the thousand and one attractions of the charming Crystal Palace, the directors are this summer adding a dozen more, in the form of Friday concerts of good operatic music, whereat both listeners and loungers will find good entertainment for the crown the entertainment costs. To hear the lovely melodies of WeseR and Mozart warbled by such singers as Trtrens and Gnrist, is — worth five shillings to those who can afford it; and far more worth five shillings when one’s seat is in a greenhouse, than when it is in the close confinement of a before going there. It is only in the pleasant concert-room at Sydenham that your lungs can breathe sweet air the while your ears inhale sweet music; and instead of glaring gas and dingy dusty walls se your eyes have dainty flowers and fresh green foliage to ook at. _ “Oh, but then the Crystal Palace is such a way from town, and it interferes with business sadly to get down to it.” Well, Mr. Surru, but how about the Derby Day and Ascot? Do your yearly visits there not interfere with business? How is it re can spare the time to go down to the Downs, and yet can’t afford to give yourself a half day here with Grist? You won’t hear her next year, mind. These really are the last of her last final farewell leavetakings. And if your income- tax won’t suffer you to take a box at Mz. Gre’s, the least that you can do for your neglected wife and daughters is to take them down some ay to a Conservatory Concert. Say you are a lawyer, you will find the trip to Sydenham a very easy “motion” if you take a first-class ticket, and the hour or two you’ll spend there will be such a “refresher” to your jaded brain and nerves that when you get back to your chambers you will work tenfold the faster for it. Say you are dyspeptic, the half-hour on the rail masyece a “movement cure,” and the sight of freshly-blooming flowers and faces will do wonders for you. Or say you are a fop and want to show off your fine whiskers, where can you air them better than in the Centre Transept, where you are not only sure of being stared at, but, being under a glass-case, are safe from getting wet y oar a The feet of the bold Bronprx seem just now more attractive to the million, or the thousands, than the throats of such sweet songstresses as TiTreNs and Grist. “Bat to Mr, Punch’s mind there is something ar more tempting in good music than good rope-walking; and although the latter may by small punsters be viewed as a higher walk of art, Mr. Punch cannot allow that there is anyt sublime in it. In the strains of Weser, Meyerseer, Rosstni, and Mozanr there is, to Mr. Punch’s thinking, a far higher delight than in the strain upon the rope that bears up Monstzur Bionprx, and whatever be the height of danger he may reach, the taste that cultivates good music is certainly more elevated. = Archimedes and Disraeli. “GIVE me a ov rw, and I will move the world,” said ARCHIMEDES. “Give me ground to support a Lever, and I’ll upset the Govern- ment,” said DisRABLtI. Imprrtat Morro ror THE Prince Naroteon.—" Sauve qui peut.” a-crown a-head (children half-price, if under twelve years old), is an | concert-room, and one must put on a dress-coat and a white choker |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Junm 15, 1861, | LIL! i a ( \ THE DELHI PRIZE-MONEY. Marmep Soxprer (with a sigh). ‘‘ Then, if I come again in Twelve Months you think youll be able to——” CueRK. “ Zell you when to Call Again, dessay.” THE COMPROMISE IN KENSINGTON GARDENS. Tose of the abe classes whose altitude is exhibited principally in “riding the high horse,” will be glad to see that, in spite of the unanimous outcries of pedestrian snobs, Mr. Cowrer has determined on re-introducing that noble animal and his rider into Kensington Gardens. All, however, who entertain a proper contempt for the common people, will deplore the weakness which has induced Mr. Cowrer to yield so far to clamour as to change the direction of the ride. It is now no longer to cross the path of a flower-garden fre- quented by the despicable walking community, and to run in the form of a long wide excoriation of bare ground, hedged with hurdles, athwart the turf of what the wretches consider one of the most a arts of the Gardens. “The entrance to the ride,” said the Chief mmissioner of Works, the other night, “would be under the dry arch of the bridge which divided Kensington Gardens from Hyde Park, ‘on the south side.” He also confessed that it “ would not interfere with the privacy, such as it was, of a great portion of the dens.” These statements may give the superior equestrians too much reason to ee that the new horse-ride will be somewhat out of the people’s way. The select will be disgusted with Mr. CowrEk for conceding too much to the mob. We may, however, be mistaken. The new ride may be so arranged as still to constitute a considerable eyesore, as the rabble are accustomed to call any kind of object which, they fancy, spoils their prospect, interposed between it and their mobility, As if they had 7 capacity to appreciate a view, or, having any, as if it could be entitled to the least respect ! Mx.Cowrek professes to have been induced to transfer the Kensington horse-ride chiefly by objections “ proceeding from certain fond parents and timid nurse-maids in regard to the dangers to children which might result from the want of experience or adroitness on the part of the equestrians.” This is all very well to say; but the horse-ride would no doubt have remained where it was, if all the noise that had been made against it had proceeded from timid nursemaids and fond parents. A petition signed by some 40,000 people in the habit of visiting Kensington Gardens, and quietly enjoying themselves there in their own low way, would, if-the present horse-ride should prove a nuisance in their stupid eyes, too probably again defeat a gentleman- like attempt to enable the aristocracy of Rotten Row to disport them- selves in the face, and to the annoyance, of the plebeians who frequent Kensington Gardens, and presume to object to the disturbance of their quietude by the animated spectacle of splendid horsemanship gratui- tously presented to them by the higher classes. One who Draws it Beautifully Mild. An American was asking, “who was the greatest stump-orator in England?” when a gentleman, who looked something like an‘ artist, for he had long hair, and his collar. was efully thrown back to display the artistic arrangement of his beard, said, “‘ Taking a ‘stump,’ Sir, as an instrument that is used in drawing, I should say that Sir Cuantzs Eastiake, Sir, was the greatest ‘stump-orator’ of this, or any other country. For the distribution of light and shade, and the delicacy of beautiful little touches, as well as for his firmness of tone, I am sure that not even in America, Sir, rich as it is in stump-orators, is there any one who can possibly come near him.” A Long Siege, but no Surrender. Tue siege of the War-Office for the distribution of the Delhi prize- money promises to become one of the longest on record, but there doesn’t appear to be the most distant hope of a surrender. The authorities endeavour to screen themselves by hagroge | refuge behind CHARLES Matuew’s celebrated saying: “ Never to do to-day that which you can conveniently put off till to-morrow.” Exzcrric InTELLIGENCE.—MR. REUTER now competes with Lloyds’. All the clerks in his Telegraph Offices are facetiously known as “‘ UNDER- Reuters.” Under-writers, do you see? Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Ev i me ome Lonapard Btreet, in the Precinct of Whitetriars, tm the jATURDAY, June 15, 1861, of No. 19, Queen’s Road W: ¥ of London, and Published Regent’s Park, both in the Parish of St. in the of Middlesex, by’ them at No. 8, Fleet Street ‘in the Parek of St: Bridavin the City of

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June 22, 1861.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A CHALLENGE FOR BLONDIN. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. JunE 10, Monday. The Lords have been very uneasy over this Bank- ruptcy Bill, and to-night the Government were beaten by 98 to 61 ona clause proposed by Lorp CuEimsrorp, for preventing the Act from having a retrospective effect. It was decided that Debtors and Creditors should start fair, from the time of the Bill becoming law. The Commons had a smart debate on the Bill for Appropriating the four seats vacant by the doom now irrevocably pronounced upon Saint Albans and Sudbury. Eart Jenmyn made a plaintive appeal against punishing the latter place so dreadfully, but nobody had a word to say for the borough of the First Christian martyred in England. Municipium pro criminibus disfranchizatum may now be inscribed on the Town Halls of those places. We have not heard that either suffers much from having been saved from occasional Saturnalia, Sudbury con- tinues to be the stupidest town in England, and St. Albans is thinking more of spiritual than temporal matters, and hopes to have its noble Abbey elevated into a Cathedral, and to have a Bishop who shall take half of the overgrown diocese of Dr. Wicram. The battle to-night was on the allotment of the seats. A new Member for the West Riding, and one for South Lancashire were agreed to after some debate. But when it was proposed to unite Chelsea and Kensington into one 2 | and give Members to the Union, the House rose in its wrath. ‘“ What?” said the British Par- liament, “have we not had enough of men of the type of Mister Rovre1t, and Harvey Lewis, and Harper Twelvetrees the bug- destroyer, and Jabez Inwarps, and Nicuotay the Skinman, and Dirrancer the Spouter, and Cox of Finsbury, but you must go and make another borough that will swamp the educated classes, and elect, by force of publicans, two more of the breed? By the Nine Gods, no!” ‘Vainly did the Government shuffle; it was not a question of politics, but of social endurance. Men rushed together, to prevent the creation of more Metropolitan Members, as they rush, in the instinct of self-preservation, to blackball a Club candidate who is known to put his knife into his mouth. The majority showed the terror into which Parliament had been thrown. Government were aten by more than One Hundred. They begged time to consider what they should do, and Mr. Disraztr graciously granted them a demonstration of the feeling of the country in regard to the Metro- politan Constituencies. If the latter had any pluck, or sense of shame, they would call meetings, and seriously consider their position, and see whether, by purifying the Parliamentary roll, they could not do something to reinstate themselves in the opinion of the nation. The fate of St. Albans and Sudbury is far happier than that of boroughs permitted to exist upon such contemptuous terms. Tuesday. The Duxe or Somerset declared that the Navy was in fine order, that the Warrior would be ready one of these days, and that the Government were resolved to maintain the Naval Supremacy of England. With true official instinct, he abused ApminaL Exirorr for having visited the French dockyards, and for having reported what he saw there. The Duke intimated that the Admiral ought to have ‘said nothing publicly, but should have called on Lornp Deny, and told him, and Lorp Dersy should have called on Lorp Pat- for the Duxe or Somerset, and told him. Doubtless this is the gen- tlemanly and high-bred way of doing business, but when the welfare of a nation is at stake, Mr. Punch can forgive a blunt sailor for sailing right in the wind’s eye, contrary to all diplomatic nauticalities, And joy to every scribbling Coon Who wastes the midnight taper, On this eleventh day of June T ords they danced to GuapsToNnE’s tune, » And smashed the Tax on Paper. The Chicory Budget Bill was read a Third Time and passed. One young author instantly sent for Mr. Barry, and requested him to make plans for a mansion which the former proposed to erect in Hyde Park Gardens; another has written to say that if there is any difficulty about finding a Master for the Flat Hat Hounds, he will take them and hunt that country, as he means to buy an estate there; and a third is building a Steam Yacht, in which he intends to pervade the Mediterranean, sending home his copy regularly every week in his presen =— Redux, and despite Mz. Buckuz, the Golden Age has come back. week. Mr. Punch has rarely seen such an instant and spontaneous MERSTON and told him, and then Lorp PatwexstTon could have sent | VOL, XL. cc | | | | { | | } |

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CE ANN REN _ Education Commissioners, but the Duke had the best of it—he is not make a grab at it. | of complicity in the fraud, he was pardoned, and a sum of £5000 was | ' another’s “speculative opinions,” and that at this moment many persons | will not declare their belief in a future state. | was contended that the mass of persons whose evidence comes before | the Courts, have little respect for truth, but have a dread of perjury, ' and that to remit the oath would be to diminish the chances of getting ' at the fact. It was. also urged that | deserved no special law in their favour. j ' perfectly truthful, and believe in religion, and therefore object to PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. —_—_— [Jon 22, 1861, _ ing on criminal trials? For the relief it was insisted that it is hard to Then the Lords had a Ragged-School Row, and it is remarkable how the minds of men adapt themselves to the subject of discussion. Whenever this question comes up, some of the Lords are sure to begin abusing one another, much as the ragged objects of the charity would do under excitement. The topic is not an agreeable one, especially in hot weather, but the most fastidious of their Lordships will listen to one of their own body, Lorp Macautay, and when they are inclined to evade their duty to the Dangerous Classes, let them recollect what Lorp T. B. M. wrote of the somewhat anarchical period between the Abdication of James and the Accession of Witutam. “On such occasions it will ever be found that the Human Vermin, which, ne- glected by Ministers of State and Ministers of Religion, and barbarous in the midst of civilisation, burrows among all physical and all moral pollution in the cellars and garrets of great cities, all at once rises into a terrible importance.” The Lorp SxHarressury and the Duke or Newcastie exchanged their usual defiances over the Report of the one of those men whose every Goose is a Swan, but he is quite content to regard goose as goose, and a very good bird into the bargain, though > _ hungry gentleman said, alittle too much for ome and not enough or two. At a morning sitting (why are there not more morning and fewer evening sittings? ) the Commons considered the Criminal Law Con- | solidation Bills, and very good business was done. In the evening Lorp Jonn Russet announced that the Powers have agreed that Syria shall in future be kept in order by a Christian Governor, of course a servant of the Sultan, It is a comfort to know that there will be one Christian in Syria. Give a man-with-a-grievance an inch, and if he won’t take anell he’ll Barber, an attorney, some years ago was foolish enough to be the innocent party to frauds of which, at the time, he was found guilty by a jury. He was sentenced to transportation. But as it was afterwards shown that he had been wrongfully accused properly granted to him out of the public money, to compensate him for unmerited sufferings. Now Barser wants more. This is a little too good, and the House negatived the demand without division. Wednesday, Theology, as usual, on the Parliament Sunday. Shall witnesses who object to oaths, be relieved from the necessity of swear- make a man’s right to.the protection of the law depend upon his or are exposed to danger of life, and property, because it is known that they Against the relief it fs F yersons who were incapable of recognising the leading’ truths of religion were semi-lunatics, who The case of those who are oaths (considering that “Swear not at all” does not mean that we are not to swear at everybody, but that swearing itself is inhibited), is a hard case ; and unless solved on the broad principle of the convenience of the majority, can scarcely be said to be dealt with. The Sotrcrror- Generat, who is a Methodist, avowed his conviction that oaths were very valuable, and Sin G. Lewis took the same side. A Bill of ee for substituting affirmations was rejected by 136 The Spraxer went to the House of Lords, and when he came back, announced that the Royal Assent had been given to the Paper-Duty Bill. Mx. Gtapsrone immediately burst into song in the character of the Peri,— Joy, joy for ever, my task is done, The Bill is passed, and the game is won ! Oh, am I not happy, I am, [| am, To thee, dear Paper, how dark and sad Are the war-taxed ‘l'eas from Chingchongeram, Or the crystal Sugars from old Trinidad. Joy, joy, for ever, my task is done, The Bill is passed, and the game is won. Thursday, The Eart or Lerrrim, (did anybody ever hear of hinm— he is called Crements in the British Peerage?) had abused Cuter was all right, and noble Lords seemed to derive comfort from hearing that the scoundre! had left Ireland, and settled in Manchester. The Commons discussed India, Friday. Some of Henny or Exerer’s flock petition that his diocese may be split into two parts. We should like to hear Dr. Patrorts (yes, Wiscount, that is the right spelling, and nothing is more vulgar, or a Clearer sign of that insolent negligence which is the essence of vulgarity, than mispelling a name—do we ever mispel yours, VixtiaMs?) on the point. Ha! ha! notto say hee! hee! When the Ministers got their majority, notwithstanding Farner Daty, what said Mr. Punch? Of course there was no bargain, such a thing would have been shameful. But he should not go, he said, into hysterics of astonishment, if a Committee, or a Commission, or something, inquired into the question, and if it were found that certain Irishmen knew that justice would be done to Oireland. This was weeks ago. To-night there was a Galway debate, and Government, in the most handsome manner, conceded a Committee, and if the Committee reports that the Galway Company may be indulged with another trial, it will be very wonderful if the Government should take the same indulgent view. | But a bargain, Oh, dear no! Perish ten Ministries, and so on; and here, waiter, bring us a Gin Sling, and get us our cigar-case. By the way, Mr. Disraetr made himself very angry to-night, and accused Lorp Patmerston of having hunted the late excellent Mr. SrarrorD to death, a statement indignantly denied by the Viscount, and contradicted by personal friends of Mr. Starrorp, who attributed his premature death to other causes than the attacks upon his Admi- raltyerrors. Let us rather remember the gallant services he did in the Crimea—not in fighting, but in the cause of humanity, A VOLUNTEER} WHERE LEAST: EXPECTED. We are glad to lay before the reader the following curious paragraph. We have found a friend where we least expected it. “Mr. W. Witriams (Punch's favourite Wiseount) concurred in the eulogium which had been passed on the Volunteer corps, and expressed a hope that the Government would not refuse to accede to the proposal of the noble Lord (ELcHo) the member or Haddingtonshire. (Hear, Hear.)” The above hearty co-operation was given on the sum of £133,276 being proposed as the vote for the Volunteer a. t has been universally supposed (and we have aided in no small degree in foster- ing that supposition) that the Member for Lambeth was such a rigid unsparing economist that he would rub off the gilding of the State- carriage, if he thought he could save a few half-crowns every year by it. However, it will be seen from the above that though the noble Wiscount is generally opposed to everything like “profligate expen- diture,” still he is not averse to the outlay of what he considers is worthily laid out for the defence of his country. He consents to pay for the Volunteers (and we have it on the authority of Mr. T. G, Banine himself that, including the wear and tear of the rifles, they do not cost more than one pound per head per annum) on the same sensible principle that he does not object to pay his police-rates; the first, he has sense enough to know, protect his country from invaders, and the second protect his house from thieves. Bravo, Wiscount; we beg to hail you as a Man, and a Brother, and a Volunteer! We have often drilled you, and now, if you will only put yourself at the head of a | Volunteer regiment, you may drill us as often as you like, The last Census informs us that after Samira and Jonzs, there is no name so common in England and Wales (the latter contributing very liberally) as Wiittams. Why not start a corps exclusively composed, then, of Wructamses? and put yourself at the head of them, Wiscount ? Out of respect to one who spread great distinction on the name, it might be called “The First Boiled Beefs.” The motto, without a doubt, should be, “Cut and Come Again;” and the arms, in addition to the rifle, should be a long carving-knife, with a big pewter-plate, by way ofa shield. If the subject were only well stirred, we are Confident that the “ Boiled Beefs ” would come out uncommouly strong, especially when they were mustered in their full strength. Selling an Uncle. A ReMARKABLE case occurred, the other day, at Marlborough-street: | Justice Monanan, for some charge, in which he had stated that there Earl denied, and was very uncivil to the judge. Lorp CampBeLt and others were down upon his Lordship, and very high testimony was borne on all sides to the wisdom and discretion of the Judge, testimony own that he had made a mistake. was a diminution in the crime of a certain Irish locality. This the | which of course implied that Lory Lerrfim had neither wisdom nor discretion. He was scolded so severely that he announced his inten- tion of holding his tongue, but was of course much too obstinate to ) Then came another Irish affair—a ticket of leave having been granted to a man who had pleaded guilty of conspiracy to murder. The Duxe or Newcast ue explained that it Police Court. One Lours Mourvitie, alias MourLurer, described as | a Bavarian, of No. 4, Kennington-green, was brought before Mr. Tyrrwaitr, charged with fraudulently obtaining from Mr. Ropert ArTenBorouGH, pawnbroker, of Greek-street, Soho, the sum of 30/, by palming upon him in pledge two hogsheads of water for so much | port wine. Mr. ATTENBOROUGH, in short, supposed that the de- | fendant had spouted wine, but discovered that he had only spouted | water. The records of meteorology afford no parallel to this instance | of a water-spout. | Tae Framework or Socrety.—Guilt.—4 Clapham Cynic.

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waa oe en aspen Junz 22, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARTI. LET US BE THANKFUL IT t | 0 ring vat of water to milk does not exceed more than one-third. iS NO WORSE. | ~ N 5 almost ; milk-white out of the above lacteal analysis. With that third of water, he has tried at the Common | that he has been popularly and falsely accused Pleas to recover da-| of dealing in, mage for the misre-| However, we do not see why milk should presentation of the| always be condemned to meet with a watery value of a milk busi-| grave at all. In Paris and other large towns ness, in which it ap-| in France, certain octrot, or medical officers go peared that— round, and test the contents of the cans by PG i RS means of a lactometer. On the proof of any tons of pine ae sal" | adulteration, the pails are emptied into the manufactured into 24 of | gutter, and the vendor severely fined. Why ordinary milk, yet no-| couldn’t some such easy plan be tried over here? thing but pure water was | Tf in every quart we purchase of milk one-third vetiw the adulteration | oF it has been borrowed from the pump, it is * almost tantamount to paying for one’s water- The milkman has/|rates twice over. Our milk-bills should be been shamefully ca-| mixed ‘with those of the New River Company, lumniated. How re-| for the amount liquidated for in both is mostly peatedly has he not/|of the same element. In truth, why shouldn’t been accused of using | the water-companies be able to lay on to our _ calves’ brains, chalk, | houses a service of milk every morning? It table to blacken as much as possible, has come | action was lately | almost washed his hands of all the dirt and filth | plaster of Paris, and} could almost be done through the same pipes, , other ingredients that | and would dispense for the future with the visits | only convert the milk- | of the milkman. There is nothing like tracing pail into a kind of | abuses to their native source—and we ho whitened sepulchre to | that, having discovered it in this instance to hold the poor remains | a water-source, the abuse, since water enters so of milk—remains on | largely into its composition, will soon, like water which the verdict | itself, find its own level. would naturally be: * Found Drowned.” Like Casar’s -wife, the vaccine produce should be not only pure, but above A Home Question for Yankees, Our friends in the North American States complain that the British Government recognises suspicion, Many a| the Southern Seceders as belligerents instead of | libellous tale has been hung on the Black Cow; for it turns out after all that the proportion | regarding them as rebels. Water is harmless pthaee ought to be thankful to the milkmen for using it in such extreme moderation. it be not Thames water, you could not have a more harmless, or a more agreeable adult «ra- Are the Northerners and we | prepared to hang Mx. Jerrerson Davis if they they treat the Southerners as legitimate combat- tion, The character of the marchand de lait, which it has been the special fashion of the iea-' ants, can they expect us to do otherwise ? A FRENCH WONDER. In looking over the Report of the recent debate in the French Legislative Body on the Army and Navy Estimates, we were agree- ably astonished by some remarks which fell from M. Larrasure. This gentleman, speaking of the wars into which, of late years, — has plunged for ideas, actually uttered the following sensible words :— “Were the accounts of these expeditions cast up, the total would astonish, perhaps alarm, Frenchmen, by showing how much blood and treasure had been spent in different parts of the world, which, if they had been applied to improve- meuts at home, would have realised wonders in France.” Blood makes muscle, and muscle does work, recollect cavillers, who may demur, with a grin, to the idea of the application of that fluid to domestic improvements. But what wonderful words are the fore- going to have proceeded from a Frenchman’s mouth! In themselves, regarded from our point of view, to be sure, they are commonplaces. are the questions, ‘How do you do?” “I hope you are pretty well?” But you would be amazed to hear them addressed to you by your terrier. In the same rational and extraordinary strain M. LarraBure continues :-— “It may be answered that ‘France is rich enougk to pay for glory.’ With such pompous puerilities fine speeches may be made, but they risk the mismanage- ment of national affairs.” Here we have a Frenchman whose moral and intellectual! faculties are really sufficiently developed to enable him to despise glory, to see the ludicrousness of pompous puerilities, and to regard them with contempt instead of admiration! A Frenchman who thinks and ex- presses himself like a fellow-creature ! Some little exception, however, may be taken to this position :— * France is too easily led by witticisms ; it is to be desired that a little common sense were mixed with them. Wit is all very well in its place, but in the manage- ment of public affairs, common sense and sound calculations are preferable.” No, M. Lanrazsvrg, it is not wit that misguides France. It is ravity, Sir, that profound gravity which cannot see the fun of fighting or the gratification of vain-glory—the fun that such folly affords Mephistopheles, France has not wit enough to perceive the jokes— After all, however, M. Lanzasure’s remarks on his country’s wit were perhaps ironical; for his next observation proves him capable of saying a smart thing :— alter the phrase, and say, ‘France is rich enough in glory to think now of her finances.’” last-quoted sayin calculations woul ; her public affairs, whilst we should be enabled to reduce a warlike expenditure which is much too serious for merry England. _ 3 If the British Public took as much interest in mental as it does in material curiosities, M. LakRaBURE should come over here and be ex- hibited. A philosopher would much rather go to hear him reason, than to see a talking fish, or M. BLonpin dance on the high rope. of M. LarraBure’s, common sense and soun A PUBLIC FAVOURITE. In the description of the Ascot Races, we notice that there was present ‘Mr. Merry’s Buckstone.” This strikes us rather as tauto- logy—for when you say Bucxstonx, of course every one understands that it means “‘ merry.” ping, hair, collar, pins, everything. Further on, we read that Buck- stone was “foaled in France.’ Now, that is too bad. France, not content with sending us actors, whom we are gracious enough to allow to come in and win, is actually trying now to jockey us out of our own original stock of high-bred comedians. We protest against this, and maintain that Buckstonz was born, and bred, and raised in been one of the first in the race of public favour. , thoroughly an English one? whereas the probabilities are that if he had Translate Buck and stone into French, and join the two words together, and you get an incomprehensible jumble that you would not give to a single living creature. The two, in the public estimation, are almost | synonymous. He is Merry all over—points, pace, style, action, step- | | } | Providing | can catch him; and if not, why not, and how, if | | | conscription and taxation—which her rulers enjoy at her expense. | “ At the risk of appearing prosaic, of the earth, earthy, M. LaRRaBURE would | If grave France had only the wit to understand and appreciate that be sufficiently conspicuous in the management of | England, and that all the principal engagements in which he has dis- | tinguished himself have taken place in England, where he has always | Is not the name | been “foaled in France,” he would have been christened there also. |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Jone 22, 1861. THE DARLINGS COME] OUT TO SEE THE 38th OTHERSEX VOLUNTEERS DRILLED. Sergeant (appealingly). ““ Now THEN, GENTLEMEN, ONCE MORE. LEvyzEs Front !—anp PRAY, GENTLEMEN—PRAY DON’T STARE ABOUT YoU, AS IF YOU WERE 1N CHURCH!” F ae Mh Si fed CPG p> Z py THE END OF THE STRIKE. I oncE was a mason in constant employ, And did for my labour good wages enjoy, Until bad advisers as led me astray Hinduced me to strike for nine hours a-day. I joined the Trade Union, and, more to my shame, I bullyragged such as would not do the same, Waylaid ’em and threatened, abused ’em, and curst, Pitched into and beat and kicked all as I durst. We struck at a season of danger all round, To stand by each other when all ranks was bound; But we cared not a dump for our countrymen’s good, Only tried to screw out all we possible could. We held on the strike till our funds was all gone, And then went and begged to be once more took on, But found all the masters, as good as they said, Had been and engaged foreign hands in our stead. Then on come the winter we had to go through, No money we’d saved, and got no work to do; I was forced to go beggin’, and sing in the street, With my wife and my children for somethink to eat. Through the cold and the wet I was laid on my back, With a fever and likewise rheumatic attack, Which I never recovered my ’elth as before ; And now I ain’t good not for nothink no more. I once was a mason, and proud of the name, But now I’m a pauper, my own self to blame, Confined in the Workus, a wearin’ away The rest of my life in this unionform grey. Farewell now for ever. to pipes and to beer, Give up all hope of comfort on comin’ in here, At noon there ain’t never no “twelveses” for me, To wash down my ration of skilligolee. Take warnin’ my friends from my sorrowful fate, If you strike for too much, youll repent it too late, Crying, “‘ Why did we Porrsrs to pot us allow? Ah, once we was Masons as Paupers is now!” SOLEMN APPLICATION OF STEAM.’ Tae new organ at St. Paul’s requires eight strong men, exerting all their strength, to supply it with wind. The bellows, however, is said to be not powerful enough for the instrument, and a competent critic suggests that it should be replaced by a bigger one, to be blown by a steam-engine. But what will our ecclesiologists say to the innovation of introducing into a Cathedral such a monstrosity as a steam-organ? To persons with strong medizeval sympathies there cannot but seem something queer in the idea of performing a musical service by the aid of machinery, and getting up the steam for an anthem. Saint Cecilia, who invented the organ, would have been astonished, if, in any state of ecstatic prevision, the “‘inventress of the vocal frame” had foreseen it worked by steam-power. A Golden Rule for Ladies. A Lapy’s pocket-money is called her ‘‘ Pin-money.” Therefore, we beg to impress upon the memory of the dear lovely creatures the following important rule in the laying out of their Pin-money :— PBs you take care of the Pins, and the Pounds will take care of emselves,” Dr. Gray’s ATTACK on M. pu Cuarntu.—A case of Gorilla-warfare.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Joune 22, 1861.

] | | Ni Sy H| ee Al] | | \\ \ 1} r A ——.<— a ei | YY ey il W h ay 7m i HLM Ny

THE STRIKE.—HITTING HIM HARD. Now-Unstonist. “AH, BILL! I WAS AFRAID WHAT YOUR UNION WOULD END IN.”

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Juxn 22, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OUR ROVING CORRESPONDENT: “ My pran Puncn, “ Norwirustanpine all the homilies preached on the blessings of concord, I believe that half the pleasures of this world arise from differences of opinion. For instance there are honest folks in the Strand who are perpetually inveighing Comp the errors of Popery. and on the other hand I have no doubt all the invective and sarcasm of the Brompton Oratory is occasionally brought to bear on Exeter Hall. But imagine either establishment suddenly ee gaye of its natural enemy. Baeee Dr. Cummive had succeeded in his praiseworthy efforts to convert the Porz. My goodness! What a dull May meeting the next . The Doctor’s labours would be virtually at an end, and all those beautiful similes about the Scarlet Lady and the Sons of Belial would be useless. Or conceive the Editor of the Record retiring to the convent of St. Blazes in the full persuasion of, &c. &c., would not that respected fraternity be for ever deprived of the plea- sure of laughing at his leading articles? In a word, what would Soary be without Cugzsy, or Cusesy without Soarr? Don’t we know that the possibility of a division in the House is one of the best guarantees for judicious legislation? The principle that holds respecting Polities and Theology, is no applicable in the world of Art. The great element of Opposition has effect alike in the pulpit, the Forum, and the Studio. We moustachioed students of the R.A. follow this and that style as befits our temperament, our purse, or —, With some of us the is pr ite meaner, with ce ers ‘ost-Peruginesque, or Ante-penultimate-Caraccian style may be in vogue; but whichever we follow, be sure a healthy spirit of rivalry exists, and the public taste will be in proportion to the pictures whieh are submitted to its notice. Thus when at the R. A. Exhibition I find Mr. Jowsgs delineating a terrific combat between the Sowars and the 7th Hussars in the Raptee river, I fancy some tough old Indian warrior, criticising (somewhat hly perhaps) the treatment of the subject, while see Freshman, who has some notion of going in for honours at College,: and marrying the dean’s daughter afterwards, finds his attention arrested by the Scholar’s Mate (140) in which Mr. Corz = shown us how nicely a flirtation may be combined with a game of ess, 8 * Mr. Wetts exhibits an excellent portrait of an Italian (147) who Mr. Bassacs I am sure will be rejoiced to find, has forsaken his late horrible occupation of organ grinding, in order to sit as a model in London ateliers. The i goog crop which surrounds his head like a huge sponge, is in itself an object of no common interest, and I for one much prefer seeing his hair on the canvas, to hearing his airs in the street. “ Before Mr. Warn’s picture (169) you will always find a great crowd assembled, and no wonder. Who could pass that motley scene with indifference. The eye is arrested by a blaze of colour. We are introduced to the most fashionable throng of the gayest court in Christendom, Royal favourites vie with each other in magnificence. ** Dives opum, dives pictai vestis et auri,” as the Latin Grammar hath it (and indeed I never saw mortals repre- sented who so nearly realised the description). Silks, satins, and velvets abound. Lords and bishops jostle each other, and as for ladies, sure never were seen more gorgeously attired, bepatched, be-jewelled syrens than those who strut before us, and yet—ah! what satire in the Sovker canvas—what a dismal moral lurks within the frame! How runs the text ? - ** Vidi impium superexaltatum, Bt transivi, et ecce non erat :’”’ The sounds of revelry have scarcely ceased—a minute since the dice were rattled out by noble hands, and see yonder comes a dread un- bidden Guest, at whose approach even royalty itself must stand aside. It is Death who holds his levee in that inner chamber. Vale, vale Cartes Stuart! Alas forthe Hikon Basiliton/! The Merry Monarch is now indeed but the image of a king. * * * * - “T think if Mz. Cooxe had not followed the limner’s art, he would have chosen a sailor’s life for his profession, Is there one among us who loves and paints the stormy main as he doesP His Dutch Galliot under a Heavy Gale (175) is a most masterly performance, and would delight the heart of honest T. P., his venerable namesake. “ Elaine with the Shield of Sir Lancelot (176) is a good subject very fairly treated by Mz. Beprorp. ‘the azure colour of the heraldic lions ie symbolical of the lady’s temperament, as she has evidently ‘got e blues,’ “Mr. Wense’s Cofter’s Cow (179) is an extraordinarily careful study of that animal grazing by a hedgerow, which is also made out with great care. A littie girl is nutting in the middle} distance, while the cow is ‘nuts? upon the herbage. But why did Mr. Wesse bestow all that skill and trouble on this vaccine portrait? Few cows have been celebrated in English history. We have heard of the cow Bhi e & * * With the crumpled horn, that tossed the dog, that worried the cat, that 7 ap eat the rat, that did something else; and of another cow which having attained a venerable age, expired in consequence of having incautiously listened to a ce dismal tune; but 1 do not ise either of these creatures in the Cotter’s Cow, I am inclined to imitate the learned critic, who asked the painter to reverse the positions of the Duke and Duchess in his portrait, and recommend Mz. Wexsze to mir | his cottage girls into the foreground, and keep his cows for the middle distance. “‘ Pastimes in Times Past (177) sounds like a pun, but to paint the subject with such care on so small a seale as in J. Fazn’s picture is no joke let me observe. A sturdy wight of Saxon blood is listening with his family to the strains of a wandering minstrel who has just stopped at their door. Some of the party appear to be playing at draughts, and the bard himself looks as if he would not refuse a drain. “ Another picture of the same cl: ifferently is The Knigh?'s Home (190) in which Mz, Burexss has painted us a jolly mediseval warrior clad in complete steel—not ‘revisiting the glimpses of the moon,’ but sitting down by his ample fireside to play with his aon, | me of geap . fine —_ fair-haired fellow, =e * pot w g step ia father’s shoes by-and-by, does no pear to relish the joke of ing on his helmet. r “Before we leave the Kast word in praise of Ma.Goopatt’s First Born (203) in praise not so much for his skilful touc fect drawing, of which we all have had evidence in fifty previous works, but because in painting this simple he has canvas with ali the splendour whiek an might justify, but has enly taken human nature that that instinct which makes the the ian to the Himalaya, is along the sedgy Thames, or by the banks “* Faithfully ZONG FOR THE HAYMAKUN ZAZON. I spaxes a word unto the wise, If thee’st got ears to hear; — work, and take thy exercise, Afore thee takest oe. The showers as arter drought valls fust, Zee how Barth zucks in they; Let beer, as rain that lays the dust, Zo moisten thy parcht clay. Zave that, whereas the ground do lack The moisture all outzide, — When thee hast need thy thirst to slack, All drippun is thy hide. Wait till thee bist as wet without As thee bist dry within ; Vor then thy beer will, just about, Goo down as good agin. Thee bear this here in mind, my boy, For fear thy swig to spoil; If thee *dst take in thy drop wi’ joy, Thee let un out by toil. For Natur’ bids us, for our hire, To work and labour here, sez, if fellers wun’t prespire, They shouldn’t ha no beer. The Power of Speed. A Sportive Gentleman was saying that “for running there was nothing, after all, like a good begied po old.” “ Excuse me, Sir,” said a mildewy-looking youth, who had the stamp of a swindler printed on his face, with ‘No Effects’ written boldly across it, “but I will venture to back one of my three-months’ bills against it. Why, Sir, I will give you my word, I started a three-months’ bill not less than five years and by Jove! it hasn’t ceased amen yet !—and this, Sir, in spite of its having fifty pounds to carry! I believe that at last it will be a dead heat between that bill and Colleen Bawn—for I defy Dr. Cummune himself to say which, eventually, will beat the other in running.” A NEW USE FOR THE ATLANTIC TELEGRAPH-WIRE,. Srretcs it for M. Bronprn to return to the United States upon. It’s the only return the Shareholders are ever likely to get for their outlay. Posrscrret To a Sza-Sivz Lerrer.—‘ The Sea is as smooth, and clear, as a looking-glass. The oysters might see to shave in it.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 22, 1861.

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Doctor. “ Gout, my dear Madam,—Gout evervwhere ! No Port,—No Beer. "va WY Oe SS a Y SST = : => = am " == SD &= : =~ —~_ ces S= = wes = a = Brandy and Vichy-water only.” ELDERLY Lapy (in dismay). “‘ Thank you, Doctor ; but I hate your Vishy-Vashy Drinks.”

OUR DRAMATIC CORRESPONDENT. “Dear Pouncn, _“T am sure that you and I, and every lover of good acting, must rejoice that Mr. Rosson has recovered from his illuess, and is able once again to delight a British audience. In the present dearth of talent (protect me from a challenge for using such a phrase!) Mr. Rosson is an actor who can very ill be spared, and whose place it would at present be impossible to fill, Faults he may have, doubtless —who of us has not?—and to those who see him often his very eccentricity may seem mannered, if not forced. But where are we to look for an actor to replace him? and when we lose him, will not hundreds of us much lament the gap? When I think of all the tears and laughs that he has won from me, I can but own his power, and accord my thanks and praise. Few men have held their audience so much at their command, and have moved its smiles or sighs with such aready sway. His quick change of emotion, if not the work of genius is that of perfect art; and if he skips at times too suddenly from silly to sublime, it is because his better judgment has been blunted by | burlesque. They who have not seen him in such plays as Plot and Passion, know but little of his skill in making much of a small part, and but little of his power in the conception of a character, and adapt- ing voice and person to the carrying it out. Varied as they are, the parts that he appears in he stamps upon one’s memory, so that one at any time can bring them to one’s mind; and when, some score years hence, one lights on an old playbill with either Daddy Hardacre or The Porter’s Knot inscribed on it, one will at once recal the character he | played, and revive some of the pleasure which the seeing it produced. “The other night I dropped into the cosy little Bandbox, which people from the country may know better as the Strand. It was not the ‘Great Sensation Burlesque’ which attracted me, for I saw that long ago, and said my say about it; and have only now to add a sigh of sorrow that Aladdin has not taken my advice, and given up devoting her talents to burlesque. That she can turn her tongue and person to a far better account than giving point to puns and dancing comic

jigs, her acting in Court Favour abundantly well proved; and as a lady- like demeanour is at present (more’s the pity!) none too common on the stage, I regret to see it vulgarised by acting in burlesque. Appa- rently the public are not of my opinion, seeing with what clamour they welcome Miss Aladdin, and applaud her every joke; and it is difficult, of course, in the face of such approval, to persuade a young performer to avoid what calls it forth. “The piece that tempted me to fling in my four shillings to the treasury was paraded in the playhill as a ‘ triumphantly successful new and original comedy ;’ and excepting that I found it neither novelty nor comedy, I have no reason to quarrel with the title thus put forth. With a captivating candour, the comedy (so called) is christened The Old Story, and with the exception of some few minor points, the story is as old as it is owned to be. The piece abounds throughout in stale and stagy situations, and has the flavour rather of a hash-up of old farces, except one serious scene which is by no means badly played. There is our old, old friend the footman, whose heart is with the lady’s maid, and hopes in a snug ‘public’; and our old, old friends the poet and the half-pay Indian Captain, who both want a wife with money, and are rival plagues in pestering the heroine of the piece. And there’s the old, old way of bringing on the dramatis persone: first, the two servants conversing, then the lover just arrived, and then the old man and his pet; and the old, old way of callers coming quite by chance together, half-a-dozen at a time, and entering through the window, or anyhow they choose, exactly, we all know, as they do in real life. In spite, however, of antiquity—perhaps, indeed, because of it, for some people most enjoy the tales they ’ve often heard before, for they know so well what’s coming, and like to look as though they didn’t—The Old Story bas been running now for half-a-hundred nights, which is surely quite enough to make its author proud of it, and tempt him to regard it as a model when he writes. Well, opinions of course differ ; and I have no right to assume that mine infallibly is right. But, to my thinking, the character which Mr. ParsELue plays affords the only chance of acting with anything like nature; and of this chance, Mr. PaRSELLE, who never over-acts himself, takes care to make the most. I never met the author, mind, and have no private pique against him ; nor, as | hear this is bis maiden effort at a comedy, would I use a word so harsh as to discourage him from making a better-judged attempt. But as the clapping of the gallery is not the soundest praise,

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June 22, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 257 a word of friendly caution, which I trust will not offend him, may make him ask himself the question, ‘ What, really, is a comedy?’ and what careful thought and writing is, or ought to be, required of him who hopes to write one worthy of the name. “Yours, Mr. Punch, much more in sorrow than in anger, “OnE wo Pays.” ** P.S.—How I envy you the memory of your seat at Covent Garden when that pleasant little party, Parti, first appeared there! Actually, found a night to spend with her Sonnambula, and now I see it stated that Monday was her last. Oh, Mr. Gye, do please reconsider your resolve, if only for the sake of your well-wisher, O. W. P.” POLAND DRESSED TOO LOUD. THE subjoined telegram, dated from Breslau, announces a little edict of a great tyranny :— | _ “*According to advices received from Warsaw, an ordinance has been published there enumerating the articles of dress which the inhabitants are prohibited from | wearing, namely—square caps, Polish tunics, amaranth-coloured waistcoats aud | neckties, coloured boots andshoes, and any dress of a showy colour or unusual cut.” It must be rather difficult at Warsaw to dress in such a style as to afford satisfaction to the Government. But the other day mourning was forbidden, and now gay clothes are prohibited. We may imagine amaranth-coloured waisteoats and neckties objectionable to the despotic government of Poland, because amaranth is a flower, and perhaps, in the language of flowers, means “ Never say Die!” or something of | that sort, breathing a spirit of freedom and defiance. But the denun- ciation of Polish tunies, square caps, and coloured boots and shoes, | would be unintelligible if we did not know that the Russian authorities are accustomed to flog ladies. Barbarians who can be guilty of such atrocity as that, may easily be conceived dastardly enough to be capable of trying to inflict an unmanly mortification on female vanity; a sen- | timent to which all manhood bows. Hence their interference with the | smart blue tunic, square vermilion cap, and red morocco boots to | match, familiar in the music-shop windows as the costume of the Polka | sueh are the engagements of this active time of year, I have not yet | CONVERTIBLE NOTES AT THE CRYSTAL PALACE. Ar the late half-yearly meeting of the Crystal Palace Company, we find the following observations reported to have been made g a gen- tleman whom we may.almost call a namesake, Mr. PuNcHER :— “‘ They were giving one hundred guineas to a male singer for singing a couple of songs. Bra#am never had anything like it. They also gave twenty-five guineas to a lady singer. Now, with all respect for the musical art, he thought that one hundred guineas for a bawler, and twenty-five for a squaller, was rather too much 3 it was paying too much for their whistle.” If a hundred guineas are too much for a bawler, and twenty-five guineas are too much for a squaller, how much, by way of dividend for instance, does our friend Mr, Puncuer consider to be sufficient for a grumbler? Mr. Poncuer should not allow his name to run away with him. We are afraid he thought he was punching the male and the female artist to whom he alluded by calling the former a bawler and the latter a squaller; whereas he merely punched his own head as it were, demonstrating its density, and the length and obtuseness of his ears. There is too much reason to doubt that he knew what a funny thing he was saying when he termed singers bawlers and squallers, speaking, as he declared, “ with all respect for musical art.” If, as Mr. Puncuer thinks, the Crystal Palace Concerts do not pay, the performers are paid too much for the Company’s purpose; but they cannot be paid too much for their serviees except by being paid in excess of what those services will repay. Surely Mr. Puncuer him- self will allow that the worth of anything is just as much as it will bring; and, though with utter disrespect for the musical art, a gentle- man with Bottom’s ear for music may denominate eminent vocalists bawlers and squallers, yet unless his arithmetical faculty, and indeed, the rest of his intellectual powers, are on a level with his musical sense, he must see that if squalling and bawling fetch more money than they cost, too much cannot be paid for even squalling and bawling. The same observations apply to the value of those other performers whom Mr, Poncaer would perhaps describe as puffers and blowers, tweedlers, tootlers, tinklers, twangers, bangers, sheepskin-thumpers, and catgut-scrapers, meaning the band, and intending to intimate that the sounds of musical instruments are, to his apprehension, merely varieties of noise. If the expenses of the Crystal Palace Concerts | and Cracovienne. It may be, however, that as these are national | exceeded their returns, then, indeed, although consisting of the finest Polish dances, the Russian officials in charge of Warsaw are afraid of| music in the world, they would afford Mr. PuncueR some reason to | them, and that the ordinance ‘against coloured boots and shoes is| say that the Company were paying too much for their whistle. | intended to prevent the ladies from making themselves too dangerous | in apd cmap vd — sai alin he conclusion of the decree above quoted, interdicting “any dress : Ps ' | of a showy colour or unusual cut,” ely obvious aim. It is evidently MINISTERING TO ONE’S WANTS AND COMFORTS.’ | levelled against Punch. The hero of the cudgel and the cee mage Sir Joux Paxtyeton was kind enough to inform us, during one of | | in scarlet and gold, is the universally received impersonation and | those interminable Paper-Duty discussions, that it was “the duty ofa | ‘ symbol of absolute liberty; and the dress of a showy colour in which Ministry not only to make a House, but to keep a House.” Lapy | | he rejoices, and of unusual cut, whereon he prides himself, is a horror! Gary Mare, in whose presence the above sentiment was being read | 1 | and an abomination to absolute despotism. out, instantly exclaimed, ‘ Yes, and so it is the duty of a husband—of | y eee! every husband, at least, who pretends to be the minister of his wife’s | 4 paperaeess I say, — a4 is it the parents Sup oe ‘to _— a | ouse,’ but it is, also, his duty, as it should be his pleasure, ‘to keep REVIVAL IN ART. it;’ and by that, I mean, he should do everything in his power to make | e Amone things not commonly known is the existence of the Painters’ | it comfortable, aud to keep it thoroughly in repair; that is to say, in | v Company; one, nevertheless, of the most ancient and dignified of the | the height of fashion, so that his wife may have nothing whatever to | y civic guilds. The Painters’ Company has, however, lately come out| complain of.” All the married Ladies present received this noble | \. into public notice, by establishing an exhibition of imitative and | exhortation on the duties of married life with a musical murmur of | e decorative art, now on view in the Hall of the Company at Queen-| applause, though it was observed that Lapy Grey Mare’s husband, | y hithe. Dormant, in a state of suspended animation, for many a day,| who seemed to be an incomplete copy of manhood, instantly left the | e€ | the venerable Company of Painters appears now at length to have} room, | : | awakened out = sleep of ages. - “7 Saaey tae vet —_ = = . | its energies, and there is no saying what it may not ultimately do. In . a P 's la sales of its present exhibition, a contemporary says :— Probable Misunderstanding with France. t | “ Of the Painters’ Company it may not be out of place to add that they are the A Despatca from Athens, published in the Paris papers, states that, | > | forerunners of the Royal Academy, and that in by times they —— jat a recent sitting of the Syrian conference, “Sir Henry Butwer | 4 | niet of thelr pr ag still ce iaeaitiiens at teptanaghieadey mating | assumed a threatening attitude.” This announcement is calculated to | n over any pictorial work which may appear to them to be badly executed.” | ees ee ott neighbours -_ IE SE m ne ~ | What if the Painters’ Company should take it into their heads to | 0Ccupled with a beliel in the propension Of all Mnglishmen for the box, or | exercise the privilege with which they are thus invested ? Suppose | they will naturally picture to ny y the ———— — n they were to delegate certain officers to make a tour of inspection | assumed by Sir Henry Butwer in ~" mh o oye oP tae t e | around all repositories of pictures, with a commission to deface all | nn renad, opti! —* at, a —. — bs A. Ww those paintings which they considered to be badly executed. Various | Posture 0 b ence, ~ _ ed his fists, and offere — e he | Picture-galleries, perhaps, would be considerably weeded, and the Russian ambassador’s head. is censors would doubtless effect an extensive clearance, in the picture- to | dealers’ shops, of counterfeits professed to be the originals of eminent | rs ae. Nee: bang dg Ney a, or _ aacns Seoigrerg As Clear as Crystal. | to rescoes! It ma that a thorough purification of British Art is | ‘ = : ae ly | destined to be effected, in the exertion of their daubing powers, by this WE believe that the Crystal Palace was originally a .~ for the ) R. | resuscitated brotherhood of the brush. elevation of the masses.” This tight-rope dancing of M. Bionpr is, : r | . | we suppose, only a carrying out of the original intention, for though “r the Franco-American is seemingly the only person of the masses who a4 Porsurt of KNowLEDGE UNDER Drrricuitres.—Reading Brad- | is “elevated,” yet we know as a positive fact that his performances are ed shaw at night by means of a box of lucifers ! |} s0 popular that they have invariably met with a general ascent / se, x

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARITVARI. [June 22, 1861. —————— Z Cp] he Z , Z LS : AA 72 LAL. ,, oh pg ee ie if / ALL 7 4 UE ~ J; “Wa ti) / O Uphehe WY, Li x FUN Hs Ys 2, my i, ht ae 7 Ly W/i4 CHL — UN me LG 4 s - tf 77 2 aS ea TLZ LYE, mi WAZ THE RIDING-HAT QUESTION. Iucy, “ Now Tet me, Mary, WuicuH ts THE Best? ” Mary (who is rather horsey). “ Wx11, Dear, ror TEA IN THE ARBOUR, AND THAT SORT OF THING, PERHAPS THE LittitZ Rounp ONE; BUT IF you WaNT To Loox Like Gorxe Across Country, THE CurmNey Por aut To Notuine!” THE “GENTS” AVENGED. Waen Arzert Smits, determined foe ‘o all high aims and large pretensions, Called Crystal Palace programmes “slow,” And prophesied the swift declensions By which its art from “ High” to “Low,” Would sink, until it came to flow Level with vulgar comprehensions, When Punch’s friends, with faith zsthetic In architecture, pictures, casts,— Although not bilious nor ascetic, But still preferring feasts to fasts,— Hoped, that poor ALBERT’s view prophetic Would prove as false as unpoetic, Alas! they went beyond their lasts, For thumping dividends they looked, To Educational attraction— They dreamed that Joan But could be hooked By Saurians displayed in action; And visitors in shoals be booked (Preferring mental food to cooked) In art to find their satisfaction. They thought, poor souls! to draw the town, By their condensed zoo- and ethnology, Savages set in buff and brown, igh art, and miniature geology, And courts and founts, and trees that crown With beauty Sydenham’s swelling down— They owe the public an apology! To their appeal the crowd was dumb, The share-list soon revealed the blunder ; Of comfort ’twill not add a crumb Against Joan Butv’s bad taste to thunder. Best put up FLexmore or Tom Tous, Or Bionpin: if the public come, Ask not cut dono ?—sack the plunder. Extend the rope, stretch tight the guys *Twixt the great acrobat’s high stages, Whence he may turn his scornful eyes On works of old and middle ages, Fountains and flowers of rainbow dyes— The book that ’neath him open lies At Art’s and Nature’s fairest pages— ! And say, as he must proudly see, ‘Than all these I’m a marvel greater, { From these, all faces turn to me, As to Hyperion from a Satyr; Which should the greater triumph be ? Here, or across Niagary ? | To chaw up Art or chaw up Natur ?” } An Egg-Batterie de Guerre et de Cuisine. Orrictat returns inform us that in four months we imported from France 63,554,640 eggs, being a large increase upon the corresponding | | period of last year. This says a great deal for the industry of the fair | ‘partner of Le Cog Gaulois. In fact, looking at the prolific result of | iit, we are inclined to believe with a distinguished Wiscount of our | | acquaintance, that France, after all, is “ our national Hen-emy!!” | “Un Temes pe Curens.”—The Dog-days. Printed by William Bradb' Prin ary. of ee Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen’s Road West, Regent’s Park, both in the*Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, Se mee a ApS Lom! Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars,in the City of London, and Published by them at No. 8, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in the City of Londov.— , ’ °

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June 29, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a wes a s SS eer S.J SZ Zz Ny ») ern \ i NOP |Fa “¢ Pardon me, Madam—you remember me, Mr. Smith?” Youne Lapy (innocently). ‘‘Smith—Smith! 1 really, Sir, cant recollect your face; but I think I remember having heard the name before.” BETHELL’S LITTLE BILL, My little Bill, come back to me! This my own Bill? It cannot be! Ah, let me look! Itis. But oh! Who could have maimed my bantling so? Whose cruel hand hath smashed thy nose, My little Bill? What monster’s blows Did thus bung up that precious eye, And knocked those features all awry ? I scarce can recognise one line That marks thee for a child of mine; The Lords have battered so thy face As Hurst’s was knocked about by Mace. My Bill, thy beauty spoilt and gone, How wilt thou drag existence on ? *T were better thou shouldst rest in peace, For happy would be that release. O Bill, thou art in such a state I fain myself would seal thy fate, So thou, unfit to go or stand, Shouldst perish by thy parent’s hand. Wonderful Precocity in a Boy only Two Years and Seven Months old. Tr was the intention of some fond parents to send theic only child (quite a Juvenile Prodigy in his way, and every one else’s way too,) to St. Bees’ College, when the young precocious genius began to cry, and im very loud terms expressed his disinclination to go there. Upon being pressed to account for his antipathy to that College, it was cause oe as Bees’ the masters would take with a voice broken with tears, that he said it was “ he was sure at such a all the honey, and the boys would get only the whacks!” One would scarcely believe the above in one so young, unless you had been toldit as a eae fact. For ourselves, we are sorely afraid that a child, so prematurely clever, has all the elements in him of making an extremely stupid man, say that I PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Junz 17, Monday. Lorp Normanny made some impertinent insinuations to the effect that Lonp CaRtisLe was not consulted, as to Irish affairs, by the Government at home. Lornp GRANVILLE administered the snub which now seems to be a daily necessity to Nor- MANBY. He would not enjoy his dinner unless he had previously made a goose of himself in the Lords, and had been told that he had. Having received this stimulus to his faculties, he ag quite pleased with himself. One of these days we shall have his Testimonial to Dr. GRanvitie’s Bitter Pills. , Sir Gzorce Lewis disgusted the Aristocracy and their imitators, who crowd the Crystal Palace to see the French acrobat run the risk of breaking his neck. The Home Szoretary announced that he had warned the Directors against allowing Buonpin to take his child upon the rope. The fashionable world, having attended this BLonprIn-exhi- bition in far larger numbers than could be mustered when any intel- lectual or even refined amusement was offered, must feel this insult. They want a stimulus to excite their natures, jaded with an incessant round of common-place fooleries, and it is really hard of the Minister to interfere between them and their diversions. Sim GEORGE may have feared to be unpopular with his Order, so he has made some amends by remitting a portion of the punishment to which a Swell was (very roperly, in the opinion of plebeians) consigned by Mr, ARNOLD or Ras won in a blackguardly manner at Cremorne. So let us hope that the Bronpr affair is condoned. The Artonnéy-GenzRat thinks that the Lords have knocked out every valuable feature from the Bankruptcy Bill, and he takes time to consider whether it is worth while to ask the Government to accept the mutilated measure. Lorp Dersy, on the other hand, has taken special pains to convince Lorp GRaNVILLE that none of the important features of the Bill have been removed, except the provision for —— aSupreme Judge. f then we went at the Appropriation of Seats Bill. Government had tossed up, or in some cognate way arrived at a determination as to what they should propose, after the unceremonious smasher to Chelsea-cum-Kensington. They gave in their adhesion to Mr. KNIGHTLEY’s proposition to assign a third member to Middlesex. Mr. NewpeEaarteE signified that this was no better than the C.-cum-K. plan, and that the educated classes would be equally swamped in the proposed election. The House, by 236 to 186, endorsed this view, and rejected the idea, Then Lorp Patmerston proposed to give four members to the West Riding, and this plan, after a good deal of debate, was allowed to stand over, and in the meantime Birkenhead was enfranchised, by 163 to 26. An Irish squabble finished the evening. Hi, Wiscount, stop! Don’t you be going off like that. We have a question to ask you. Select Committee was +. ey to inquire into the expediency of extending the Cadastral Survey of England and Wales. Now, don’t look Cadaverous—what’s Cadastral? There, we won’t tease you on a hot evening, but be prepared to answer the question next week. Tuesday, NoRMANBY snubbed himself to-night; for, having given notice of a foolish motion, he withdrew it for a more foolish reason, to the relief and amusement of Lornp Granvi.ue. Good and handsome QuzzN Mary tHe Seconp caused a noble Hospital to be provided for aged seamen. It is situated near the houses where Messrs. Hart and QuARTERMAINE minister hospitality. It has enormous property, and this, of course, is mismanaged. The Duxe or Somersst also says that whereas a pensioner in the Hotel des Invalides is kept for £31, in Greenwich he costs £59. Now, whether an English- man can beat two Frenchmen, or not, he certainly cannot eat as much as two Frenchmen, The whole system wants overhauling; but so much opposition to the Government Reform Bill is menaced (vested interests in jobbing being of course endangered somewhere) that the measute, though it went through Committee in the Lords to-night, was withdrawn later in the week. Could not a Committee be ap- pointed, with instructions to eat whitebait at Greenwich twice a week until the end of the season, and to chat with the old Salts for a quarter of an hour before dinner? Much valuable information might thus be obtained, and in the interests of the Service, ApmrmaL Punca offers himself as Chairman, : : The Harbours Bill—a very good Bill—was discussed in Committee in the morning, and in the evening Lonp Rosert Montacu was confusing the Schleswig-Holstein question, when the House was counted out: VOL, XL, DD }

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260 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [dumm 29, 1861. and womankind, should Ordain grudge a bob to a already law enough are more dangerous the followers t for some un cabman, Stri the flag dropped th but closely atended. man or Wednesday. The House rejected to’ such proposals as’ these: and Enacted that gentlemen absurdly called unqualified power over all by "tt by 79 to 38 a Bill of Sm Caries BuRReE11’s for prohibiting the pode Mts of maid-servants to clean the outside of windows. Now Mr. Punch, the friend of all mankind that? there are two ways of looking at is: perfectly true that there would be a ludicrous anti-climax in an Act of Parliament which, after a long title, proceed to state that Her : t Lords Spiritual and Temporal, and Commons in Parliament assembled, Many should not mount on the window- sill, But it is equally true that Many ouglit to be protected from thoughtless or a employers, who do not regard her d azier. f the purpose,’and his other allegation that there The law is neglected, and the other trades are matters of choice with ereof, What is really wanted is, not a separate Act for every case that demands magiste C prehensive Police Act, which shall enable the discreet and trustwort Police Magistrates to deal with the hun cases constantly arising in our high-pressure social system. Parliament imitate Paterfamilias Then came on the Great St. Stephen’s Race, far and away the tingent measures had been taken to ensure a good race, and when t off well. Tr one way and rid Mavesty, with the advice of Her r, or mm G. Lewis’s allegation that there is window-cleaning, are beside the mark. interference, but a sensible, com-- » who does not go about his e, but who delegates to Materfamilias am ils, and sits nobly in his library, readimg | owt @ fate compromise of a vexed question. Punch, reserving the thunders of his wrath and lightnin f } onably insolent menial or inconceivably dishonest most exciting event in the qos olitical sporting. Stakes, £250,000 a-year. Distance, from Little Mephibosheth Tabernacle to the Mitre Tavern. — to all horses, mid asses not disqualified from running. } Before the Race the betting stood thus :— 8tol against Compromise. } 14tol against Brother to Voltaire, 8tol against Abolition. 15tol against Drum-Ecclesiastic, 5tol against No Surrender, 16tol against Wet Quaker. 7 tol against Puseyite. 17 tol against Iconoclast. 8tol against Anabaptist. tol against The Scoffer. 9tol agaist ifferentism. 19 tol against Bigotry. lltol against Clap-Trap. 20 tol against St. Athanasius. 18tol against Little Bethel. 100 tol against Any Settlement. ELAWNY, on Abolition, led, COURT on Compromise, and DisRAELI on No Surrender not far off. Bos Ceci. made a spirt with Puseyite, but a few strides took the wind out of that showy but unsound beast ; and Harvey Lewis, who rode his maiden race on Clap-Trap, speedil ed to pump out his horse. q Indifferentism, but that horse has had his day, and this jock’s unfor- tunate practice of looking ing into grief. Bnricut shoved Wet Quaker well Gzorce Lewis went ahead wit. another soon got him rward, and cannoning : e was seem dropping astern. Then, amid terrifie shouts, the two favourites did: all they knew, and ‘it was a neck-and-neck race to the:post, and for some minutes: no one could say which way the event had. gone. At length, after intense qxcitement, the Survendiar the of Mr, Paneh begs to apologise for the flavour of tunf im the above a mara it is the racing: season, and we should alli guitt ourselves te the tone of theday. But if anybody wants the s im a calmer let him) be informed to-day Sir Joun ‘TRemaneny’s Bill fashion, for the Abolition of Church Bates after a debate the division was taken; that there were 274o0n each Let |'side:;; and that the Speaker ; house | whiels is therefore lost. denouncing dusty looking-glasses, picking up litters, and turning ie | means promises a long life to am unpopular rate, cat off the clean cowiter Mr. ves division by no means that the House desires to do nothing harshly or unj imtends te carry s of his eye} the affine of millions to be settled by a handful of Members, and Mr. : India P he bowled laughing at the franti ise of once over, ing at the frantic noise o tionable bei P against Bigotry, knocked that unlucky animal against the rails, Wu1Te- SIDE loudly protesting. The rest of the horses were nowhere, and it was soon clear that the race lay with Compromise, No. ler, and Abolition. A brilliant struggle and the speed aud bottom of the horses did honour to the anion of British training; but the pace was too fierew fo last, and Compromis ie of . Mz. Denison, announced that No was the vietor, The scene that ensued defies description ; of tlie winner’s friends rose again and again, and the bells cligs were set ringing, came on for Third Reading; that e his casting vote against. the. Bill, India, The Commons. walle out of the House, and leave is not inclined to be more patriotic. Woop—aw—where’s his hope that the vote of Wednes- compromise so much to be desired. He was once pretty ready to how bishops ; it most objec- being, # clamorous Irish parson ? . , The Commons did Harbour business in the morning, and at night a@teused themselves by deriding Bartitre CocHRaAnz, who is so horribly awestruck at the examimation-papers for Candidates for the Civil ice. Cocurawe should get away for a little from among old fogies who never knew much, and have forgotten most ef what they did know, and should spend a little time smart young fellows of about 20, educated up to the mark of the day. He may come and smoke half a pipe with Mr. Punch’s lads, if he likes (only Cocky must promise not to read them any of his poetry), and then he will learn that however a few ess exercises may —— him, the lads of the day are not utterly prostrated at Ey asked to say where is, to explain the Second Aorist, to scan a line of JuveNAL, or even to multiply 86 by 72. Srantey and GLapstone laughed at him, of course, but he is ludicrously unconvinced that horrible tyranny is not practised on the rising generation. oubtful taste. _The question how far Lovely Woman is disfigure and deform herself, is one which a as they please, but on which all minds of sense will certainly agree. THE PORTER’S KNOT COIFFURE. HERE is no task that the male mind is more inclined to shrink from than that of inting out a folly or a ault in Lovely Woman. But at whatever risk of losing his character for gal- lantry, Mr. Punch at times is forced to do himself a vio- lence by hinting that his darlings are making them- selves |udicrous by the follies which Ze Folleé — them to adopt. ith Cri- noline he felt it was his duty to contend, as it proved a public nuisance and en- croached on public tho- roughfares, besides en- croaching also apes many a private purse. d against the growing taste for finery and flummery Mr, Punch has often had the co to inveigh, because beauty plain clothes is more In marry to his eye than beauty decked by vanity and adorned with ifted with the right to ebating Club may argue From the times of ancient Britonesses who dyes their hair sky blue, the ladies have been ever grave offenders in this way, and their coiffure py gre ee ne Fe ye (at any rate with bime) may Sper: > an maxim; but re 4 less es than this old English fashion is the modern mode of gathering the hair into a hump, and wearing it @ la porter’s knot upon the neck, Sometimes this absurd protuberance is of most monstrous size, being swelled out with the hair from other heads and tails, if it be true that use is made of equine caudal cuttings. This not merely hides the beauty of the back part of the neck (and of all the charms of woman there are few which equal that), but it gives the head a most unnatural appearance, and makes it look considerably too big for the body. Ladies with short necks are es y disfigured by the porter’s knot coiffure, for the hair hump makes it difficult to see at a back view that they have neck at all; one imagines them descended from the race that SHaksPEARE speaks of, the men whose heads are said to grow beneath their shoulders. f _ Another disadvantage in the porter’s knot coiffure is the fact that it is caleulated to collect the dust; and a net is sometimes worn which increases this collection, although it is believed to be a guard against it, Whether ladies wear these nets in the hope of catching bh: ds with them, Mr. Punch has neither means nor wish to ascertain; nor whether men in general approve of all the beads and bangles and makebelieve half-sovereigns with which these nets are often woven and weighed down. Ladies are in general a race moutouniére, when once a step is taken in the matter of the fashions, the whole flock blindly follow without thinking if it suits them, Making a hair poultice to Mr. Punch a capillary at the back part of the neck is not attraction ; and although some eyes may view it as “a trifle light as hair,” he thinks it gives the head a very heavy look. 3 New Corporation Reapmve,—You can take a Mayor to the water, but you ’ll find it’s more than you can do to make him drink.

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June 29, 1861.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON. CHARIVARI. A SHORT CUT FOR A CLAY. R. Casstus M. Cray, the f new Minister at St. Peters- burg of the Northern Untied States, has been delivering in Paris, to a meeting of Americans, a wonderfully sensible and delicate oration, » in the course of which he ventured to congratulate the French on the extr “liberties” which they are now enjoying, and w. are so well “recognised by the reat chief of their choice,” ith this sprinkle of sof! sawder for our friends across the gga mae eo then mixed a spice of peppery temper epalash England, ac- ctsing her of taki cause of Southern “rebels,” and predicting her arrival at univairsal smash :— “If England, after all she has gaid against slavery, shall draw her sword in its defence, then I Bay, great as she is, she ‘shall perish by the sword.’ For then not only France, but all the world shall cry out, ‘ Perfide Albion /’ When she mingles the red crosses of the Union Jack with the piratical black flag of the ‘ Confederate States of America’—will not just as certainly the Tricolor and the Stars and Stripes float once more in fraternal folds? (Hear, hear.) Can France forget who has dog- gedly hedgea ia all the fields of her glory? Can Napo.eon forget St. Helena? Will he at her bidding turn his back upon the East? Shall Partant pour la Syrie be heard no more in France?” After this outbursting of vinous declamation, the honourable orator proceeded to remark :— “*T have spoken to England, not as an enemy, but a friend, For her own sake, I would have her be true to herself. If England would preserve cotton for her millions of operatives, let her join in putting down the rebellion. Her interference in defence of the rebels of the South will force us to that which would be a calamity to us as well as to them—at a blow to destroy slavery for ever.” It is obvious that Casstus had been moistening his Cray, or he surely would not so have mistated real facts as to allege that neutral England has “interfered” to help the South. He, however, gives her reasonable ground for her so doing, in stating that she thereby would “at a blow destroy all slavery for ever;” which, for all their pious outcry, the Northerners it seems would consider a “calamity.” What- ever Mr. Ciay may think when in his sober senses, it is clear that when excited he gives vent to queer opinions ; such as ought to tempt his Government to take a leaf out of Othello, and exclain— ** T love thee, Cassrus, But never more be Minister of mine !” THE CLERICAL COLLECTIVE WISDOM. Convocation has at last done one sensible thing. It has abolished the 29th canon. The old canon had got quite rusty, and was entirely unserviceable, combining absolute inutility with an enormous bore. Henceforward a father will be enabled to be a sponsor to his own child, and exempt from the necessity of soliciting some other man to stand godfather, that is, to stand silver cups and spoons. Gentlemen of Paterfamilias’s acquaintance will also be relieved of the necessity of sacrificing asum of money in superfluous plate to the ecclesiastical obligations of Paterfamilias, and also delivered from what some of them will perhaps regard as a greater nuisance, that of having either to disoblige and vex poor Paterfamilias, or to promise and vow certain things which it is utterly impossible for theni to perform, “Gaudeamus igitur, Hungari dum sumus.” M. Kossutn is very well “up” in Suaxsrganz, and therefore Mr, Punch is not surprised at the extreme felicity of the quotation made by the illustrious Hungarian, when the Appeal Judges confirmed Six Joun Srvant’s judgment in the case of the notes manufactured by Mzssrs, Day. Exclaimed he, **O Day, and Knicat, but this is wondrous strange!” BE orem ere pare te Act erp ouly moped ow many of the ues in tropolis, might * would be able to hold their ground P Le eee up the | if FRENCH SENTIMENT AND SUICIDE. Accorpinec to MarsHaL Maenan, suicides in the army of Paris have lately become “too numerous.” A little of this sort of thing is al) very well, but it shouldn’t ‘go beyond a certain point. So the gallant hal has issued an order of the day, in which he thus addresses his brave fellows who are rather too prone to /elo-de-se :— ‘* Whenever you find your minds agitated by fatal ideas, whenever you feel your- selves unequal to the you have to meet, come and see m¢éj; you know that I am always accessible; come and tell me all your troubles, my soldier's heart will understand yours, will recall you to a sentiment of duty, and preserve your lives for your family, for France, and for the Emprtor, who loves and trusts you.” It is all nonsense to talk of the wittiness and levity of the French. How intense must be the seriousness of Mansnat Maonay for him to have been capable of having, as above, invited any soldier who had an idea of committing suicide to come to him and talk the matter over. Such gravity is wn in 3 nobody has ever seen anything like it who is not old enough to seen Liston. Fancy a British full private before his commanding officer, and, after per formance of the salute, saying, “If you please, Sir, I’m sorry to say I’ve oe apr a err myself.” The officer, if he did not place him under arrest for impertinence, would doubtless him a blanked fool, and tell him to go to Hades. Migoy. = the man would repeat his salute and retire—not, however, to obey the order, Very different would be the stene which we may imagine to take place between MaRsuat Maenan and any one of his braves who shall come and inform him that he intends to burn his brains because he owes a tavern-bill, or has quarfelled with a comrade at dominoes, or hag been deserted by a little mantua-maker, or laughed at by some- body, or is dissatisfied with his rations. Perhaps the Marshal would remonstrate and expostulate with him, as a kind papa would with an imprudent boy. The interview might begin and end with a salute, which, however, would not resemble the British private’s; for of course the French soldier would embrace the Marshal, and the Marshal would very likely kiss the soldier. Then they would both weep, and the simpleton whose mind had been agitated by a fatal idea, recalled by a soldier’s heart to a sentiment of duty, and having had his life pre- served for his family, for France, and for the Emrznor who loves and trusts him, would rush out of his General’s presence, crying with joy. And where is the Frenchman who, beholding the scene above supposed, would imagine that it would excite roars of laughter if represented in a farce on the British stage? No; the French are the most serious people in the world: our own folks who frequent Exeter Hall are oons to our “ vivacious neighbours.” NICE NAMES, Ar a late sitting of the Judicial Committee of the Privy Council was commenced an appeal from Bengal, described as ;“ MoonsHEE Buz uL RuweEn v. Lureervronissa.” There is a certain poem, of an educa- tional character, adapted to the tender capacity, which speaks of “THomas and WiLtiaM and such pretty names.” Is there an essen- tial prettiness in names, or is the quality of names, pleasing or the reverse, a mere matter of personal or national taste? In the poem alluded to, if we recollect aright, Taomas and Wi.11aM are exhorted not to quarrel, because their names are so pretty. An Indian poetess, likewise, might recommend the plaintiffs in the case above mentioned, to compose their difference, and desist from litigation on the ground of rejoicing in such pretty names as MoonsHeE Buz UL RUHEEN and LUTEEFUTONISSA, A Sound Objection. In the review of the Iron Market, we read that “Scotch pig is quiet.” This must be comforting news for those who live in the neighbourhood of the market, for we can easily imagine that if the “Seotch pig” was not quiet, that he would probably make a noise compared to which the bagpipes would be considered as tuneful wind- bags filled, direct from Heaven, with the Music of the Spheres, DIVIDE! DIVIDE! We hear that Captain Fowxe and Mr. Sipvey Summxe both claim credit for the pretty Arcades in the new Gardens at South Kensington. We would suggest that they should share the credit, as “‘ drcades Ambo,” worn by the S er, it is suggested that since Wednesday's rate division, a hurch- R, DENISON should assume a ¢ie-w(h)ig. CHANGE OF Let gg Fagen of the full-bottomed Peruke at present A Prerry Home Trora.—Man may be the Head of the Family; but, far better than that, Woman is the Heart of it. —s

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 29, 1861.

Ulf Mig ay yn tf —V ‘ »

X mh ("i RW Ay —«!* SY } v Ww \\AY ‘ Photographer, “ Now, Srr! Ave YER.CaRT DE Visit DONE?”

A WONDERFUL MAN. A Turin letter; describing the new Italian Minister, declares inter alia— ; “«M. Ricasott never feels fatigue. Four hours’ sleep, a piece of bread and butter, and a glass of water, are sufficient to supply his daily wants. » He has no court, but he displays a greater haughtiness than Louis tHe FourTeentn. Rarely is he seen tolaugh. He is generous, but is feared. His peasants tremble at his approach, yet he ——— them rich and comfortable. Never wasa character more strongly marke This is quite exact as far as it goes, but it is incomplete. We are glad to be able to finish the description from an equally accurate source :— * For his appearance—M. Ricasoxt is seven feet high, but has the delicate feet and hands of a child of four years old. His hair is snow- Sails, his eyebrows, whiskers, moustache and beard of the jettiest “ For his temperament—it is eee enecenenebabion-narvens. He will weep over the pages of Manzont, but did not shed a tear when his Mother died. “For his habits—he hates pomp and form, but never goes out without four running footmen, and insists upon being served upon the knee. “With an annual income equivalent to £10,000 19s, 4d. in English money, his personal expenditure amounts to 14 pauls (84d. English) daily. Heisat once silent and loquacious, amiable and sulky, impetuous and cold-blooded, tall and short, young and old,—in one word, he is exactly the man whom clever Correspondents delight to paint, but whom nobody ever met with.”

A Drawn Game. _ THE result of the late division on Church-rates, equality of votes on either side, cannot but be said to constitute, between Churchmen and ae ae a connection which may be considered as forming a most intimate tie,

REMARKABLE ADDITION To THE “EXTINCT ANIMALS” AT THE Crystal Patace.—Statue of an “Original Shareholder.”

THEY DON’T DO IT TWICE. Tue Bristol Mirror gives an interesting account of a Sheep-Shearing Match at Blackwall, where great feats in the way of rapidly denudin the fleecy flocks were performed. Afterwards there was a dinner, an¢ yet, notwithstanding that fact, and the nature of the exhibition, none of the Somersetshire parsons came. The Chairman proposed the health of the Bishop and Clergy of the Diocese, and was “ excessively sorry that no Member of the Clergy was present to represent that important body. Had any clergyman attended, he would have heard nothing to disgrace him: he could positively say that not a = oath had been uttered in the cea tent during the whole day.” ‘The most courteous solution of the problem why no Clergy were there may be the supposition that the Somersetshire ecclesiastics shone (as the event proved) that they had taught their disciples so well that no clerical superintendence was wanted. Or is it that the Shepherds perform ¢/eir shearing duties vicariously, and get through their work at Easter P Irish Fertility in Excuse Making. An Englishman, tewralling in Ireland, remarked to the driver of a coach upon the tremendous length of the Irish miles. ‘Confound your Irish miles! Why, there’s no end to them! ” “Sure, Sir,’ said the coachman, “the roads are bad about here, and so we give good measure.”

A CHOKER FOR CHURCH-RATE ABOLITION. ‘“* Wuerg ’s Church-rate repeal?” TRELAwNY may cry— * Alas—’tis hung up in last Wednesday’s ¢ie /

One “Rapin” asks of Another m... me present Sculpture Room at the Royal Academy different from e oid one! I should think so, my boy; all the difference between light and darkness,

wos ners ene taf eNO “aTHT— "nT uVw TATA TIY CAR Q\ATTTT AatTnTrwounysa ‘oe wt ® if wi TAA

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AsopE of Earthly Bliss (An), 99 Poems for Infant Minds, 196 AC Song, 216 Le meer ool pote for (ren ant 202 Advantage o: tering 222 Advertised a 158 » Alligators in Tears, 98 Allshambles Music ae (The), 166 All Souls’ Saved, 117 American Cabinet Minister ee 72 American Market (The), 55 a Soe ht, Anglo-Italian opyuig) 65 Another Li ‘ension Wanted, 217 Another Shadow Pantomime, 19 Another View of the Strike, 148 Appendix to the American Laem 169 Archimedes and Disraeli, 24 “Art notthouVilliersand a Montague?” 89 | Art P: and Art ‘An), 85 — of oyna Sei oe (The), 119 Battle of. the Beauty of ete 87 Begs: ars tion (A), 78 Berkeley Pi 106 Bethell’s Little 259 Birds of a Feather, 34 Bit of West-India Pickle (A), 41 Black and White Labourers, 241 Black is White, 238 Black Tennyson (Ay 38 189 the Water (A), 117 Blow from Across Bones of Washington (F ), a 28 0! troy Bath 236 Botanical Turk (Phe), 245 Box of Odonto (A), 201 Bravo! Eastern ities | 105 Brightener at ny 8 (A), 247 Bryan the Brave, 222 Bull's-eye Bracelets, hag Casrinet Conversatio’ Can a Chattel be a Orizainal? 63 Pewee = y IP ), 220 to A), 2' Case Case of eek Be Selfishness 26 Caseous Notion of Comfort (A) 11S Cambri Prize Poem (The), 75 Cest la Méme Chose, te Chance for a New Godiva (A), 42 44 pred for Coventry, 29 m in Crinoline, 51 Chobe for th Churchmen (A), 124 Christmas at the Crystal 8 Circular Note (A), 88 Civil Service News, 178 cs of the Counter (The), 73 Clay in » 23! ane Oo lective Wisdom (The), 261 Cleri M t (The), 48 Clerical iio and Economy, 110 Close’s Pag of tame, 390 219

y, 9 Gardens, 248 Concentrated —— of the Milk of Hu- man seen Conn, co wagance (A), 94 Consummation Devoutly AS be Wished, 97 = Notes at the Crystal Palace,

_——. Conviviality and Science, 63 Coolie Emigration (The), 222 Co pers of Catholicism (The), 205 lorrupt Practices,” 98 ** Cough no More! # 93 Court Circular, 55 Créme de la Créme, 100 Crinoline and its Victims, 90 Crinoline Hospital Wanted (A), 143 Cruelty of Mammon, 24 Cruise of the Admiral (The), 119 “ Cry Havoc, and let. Looss the Dogs of War!” 167. Cry of Poland (The), 114 “* De Bello Gallico,” 197 Débdut of a New Statue (The), 89 Defence of A Town (The), 82 Delenda Est, 2 Destruction of Tissue, 210 Difference between Wit and Humour, 170 Dig at the Delegates (A), 176 Dignity and Impudence, 136 Dinner and Tea Traits, 51 “Does your Mother know you're Out?” 26 Don Do and Done, 238 Don’t Believe it was ever said, 155 Dotage and Dotation, 129 ‘Hale, 21 Dr. Watts to Jonathan, 198 Easy Hair Cutting and Shaving Shop, 143 Ecclesiastical Swains, 93 Economy with Elegance, 72 Edwin James's Clerk, 44 Effects of the Frost, 62 Egg-Batterie de Guerre et de Cuisine, 258 Eggs and Yoke, 171 Emigrants and Remigrants, 218 Emperor on the Ice (The), 48 End of the Strike (he), 252 England v. China, 1 English Murdered by the French, 31 “ B Pluribus unum,” 226 Equitable Adjustment, 187 Equivocal Compliment (An), 129 Essaying and Reviewing, 157 Evident Misprint (An), 94 Evident Mistake (An), 128 Example Set us by our Betters, 227 Expensive Materials for Conversation, : » 227 Extravagant Scot (An), 116 Face of Nature (The), 29 Facing one’s Constituents, 236 Facts of the Frost, 4 Fair Play for Oe aed . Fair Remark (A), 1 Fair Sex and the a (The), 115

221

False Hearts, 196 Fascination and Fiddle-Faddle, 245 Fashionable Revival, 189 Fashion and its Follies, 187 Fashion for the Fireplace, 52 Fashions for Festivals, 129 Fatal Mistake (A), 179 Fellow for a Photograph (A), 107 Felony v. Fine Arts, 241 Fevers upon Wheels, 81 Few Simple Reasons against Smoking, 73 Fine old Girls, 110 Finest Part for Fechter (The), 220 Finisher of British Art (The), 84 Food and Features, 62 Foreign Traps for English Flats, 42 Frailty of Proverbs (The), 15% France and the Fashions, 20. French Sentiment and Suicide, 251 French Wonder (A), 251 Fresh as Paint, 237 Freshwater Fry, 24 From a Correspondent, 86 Frost and Thaw, 86 Frozen out Lawyers, 82 Fun for the Foreign Office, 65 GaLway Subsidy Company (The), 242 Gentlemen who have an Interest in Keep- ing their Heads Cool, 44 “ Gents” Avenged (The), 258 Ghost of a Guy (The), 56 Gills that want no Starch, 237 Giving Gye a Lift, 210 Gladstone's Pet, 31 Gladstone the Husband's best Friend, 196 | Glut of Heroes (A), 96

Golden Rule for Ladies (A), 252 Good Licking (A), 98 Good old Days of Joseph Hume (The), 108 Great Divorce now heat ip _ he), 1 Greatness p (The), 24 Great Thaw Grindoff Revisited, 147 Groan for a Husband (A), 198 Groan of a True Briton (The), 218 HaMuet ina oy ey ood, 140 Hardness of the Times, 201 ** Hard Lines,” 211 Hatchment Wit,’ os Hausse et Havelock’s Hum io Petition, 228 Having his Swing for his Money, 32 Head and Front of their Offending, 137 Helping an old Friend, 168 ‘* Here they Spike the English,” 227 Here we Are ! 12 Here we Spirits are 1 126 Hero and a Martyr (A), 161 Hobenzollern’s Prayer, 147 Home Question for Yankees (A), 251 Hop at the Holy See (A), 71 Hopeful (A), 168 Hoot from a New Forest _ (A), 52 How Extremely Lucky, 32 How to Draw outa Person's Gratitude, & How will get have it? 168 Hubbard’s A) 98 Humbugs int House of Commons, 208 not a , certainly a Duellist, 89 Im Impromptu (of course), 145 Improved 2 Inconvenient Hi Indigestion from Irish Stew, 134 Ingenious on of Oireland (The), 242 nD J ious I , Blood, and Tears, 19: Tostend of which and not Baie, 86 Insult to France, 196 Intellectual Destitution, 161 Ire Amantium, 211 Irish Auction (The), 246 Irish Fertility in en Making, 262 Iro: es, 187 Italy and Hi 7 7, 2a Italy’s Christmas Waits, 9 It is never too late to Learn who our great Men are, 167 J1as for Conte t 146 John Palmerston, 143 Johnson and Blondin, 246 Joke for Johnny Raw, 195 Just and out of his Skin, 218 Just sotten oom of Slavery, 225 ime ope ps ar or yriends (The), 61 King — aa 177 eep your Five ings | Kettledrum ! Kettledrum!! dram !!! 231 La Gtorm® and La Crinoline, 19 Kettle- Lee Majester Tbr Let's Try to be Cheerful, 64 Letter from an Affectionat: Mother, 29 Letter 3 and Slavery (Te), Let us be Thankful it is no Worse, 251 Lines re Cocina, 326 Siege, ae, he Genie 3 248 Mayor om) “ Legs (The), 20: Loss and Gain, Loud Ories of 1” 119 Zament at the Crystal Palace Man (The) 3 out of his vane (A), 63 hepde | of it, Martyrs, 5 51 tinge for the Masses, 149 Mansion House Marbles, 3

Sowa wworme in a Milk-walk, 1 May. Musle Show (The), 198 M Babies, 23

Medical pies, 63 Medical Notes in ot Pea 195 Military Education, 1 a ~ aa to one’s Wants and Comforts, 257 Miraculous Hair-Cutting, 45 Modern Civilisation, 150 Modesty and Music, 197 Monkeyana, 206 Moonstruck Bells and Men, 148 Mr. Punch at the Races, 285 Mr. Punch’s New Year's Gifts, 21 Muffs of Marylebone, 237 Musical Marauders, 155 Musical Mart Mysteries of Navticat Destitution, 220 Naval Etiquette, 103 Neat Kind of Lord (A), 245 New Airs for Volunteer Bugles, 22 New Arrival (The), 130 New Comedy of oy (A), 230 New Fashion (A), 17 New Gentleman (A ‘ New Miserere (A), wy i. New Version a Own Correspondent at the Seat of ar,’ Our Prise Census Pa: Our Roving Correspondoat, 43, 123, &e. “* Over, Fork over,” 169 Oxford Prize Poetry, ies PatnFut Imprudence, 7 “ Palmam qui Meruit perat, ” 140 Palmerston at Bose® 145 Pam and the Poet 7 eee Panslavism in the Southern States, 159 Papal Zouaves and Petticoats, 87 Parliamentary Bore (The), 211 Parliamentary Entertainments, 74 Parliaments Rehearsals, 51 Paul P: the Pulpit, 34 Pauper ie, 10 Paying Line (A), 25 Peasant’s Petition (The), 1 People who shouldn't live in Glass Houses, 88 Personal Poems, 159 Petticoat Empir 3 wr. 12 Plea for the A.), 162 Poet Close man his Mind, 239 Poetry of Locomotion (The), 195 Per vanar Toys, 8 Poland Dressed too Loud, 257 Political Tabernacle (The), 84 Polly the Porter, 239 Beata ‘ope at Bay (The), 15 Pope at Home (The), 181 Pope’s Last (The), 138 Popular for Pleasure (The), 9 Porter’s Knot Coiffure (The), Postal Arrangements, 136 Post Obit Prosecution (A), 67 Pot and Kettle, 155 Potter’s _ Push, ues as Power 0! (The ine Poor , 109 Prejudiced Protestant (A), 180 at Play, or Prolusiones Episco- pales, 113 Preparations for the Derby, 220

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INDEX. [June 29, 1861. ; a ‘of Merlin Proposed, Decoration of the House of eye tea 1 GGED 281 Railway een 63 Rash (A), 107 Rather a High Note, Sla ee Sahnon’s oy neon eee 211 Saluting a 62 = Abroad—Rather 2 156 Scotch Salmon Scrap from the Stee of a of Beem, nen Short for Snake-Bites, 152 | Siar o ily (iio) Seeike be pat E Hear me!” 140 Stultissimi, 16 o2 seceaiits Superiority of the Superior Sex; Supernatural Swindle, 100 cerecst in Sickness, 85 for the Middle Classes, 169 6 owns (The), 54 Sympathy, Sympathy of ites (The), 30 of haa ny Ag 205 TAKING Fashion (A), of Fort Aas Eon “iss bor aaa of ae er (The), 41 all Alive O! 1 iochenae Serenaders (The), 191 That Blesstd Donkey, 23: Lg are no Children Nowe: -days, 127 These Things are an Allegory, 23 They Don’t do it Twice, 262 — to be Avoided in = "yap 237 — that won't Wash, 1 of Italians, is Thong ‘ht for Tears (A), 55 Toa ppus-Smasher, 227 Tomkins's as 114 To ao Sean aa — 80 To Spurgeon, Tributé to artnaaby. (A). 116 Troops that can well be Spared, 146 True Kindness, 245 Tune of many iillions (The), 187 Turks and Traitors, Twa Bishops (The), Two Entrances anda Tero Exits, 81 Two Philosophers (The), 235 Two Thoughts, ** All in the aware: 222 Sgro Cure of So Rowe arg Slang, 178 g Mockery, 210 eens ore Attempt (An), 64 Use of France at Rome (The), 181 Variation Humbug (The), 47 ee go of Music (The), 77 Very Unfair from John ew 58 Vocal Military: Music, 23' Voices of our N’ Nights, 188. Volunteer to his Tooth-Brush (The), 182 Volunteer where least Ex; (A), 250 Way with Husbands (A), 135 Way tare thr i of Wig ve the Isle o 2 wil Hayter, 100 x Wiscoun’ 3a Something a Machine Picked at. publish > OMe nes en up Z er’ Song by Mr. Song for the 4 ans s -~ a (The), 197 ons 261 Sond Ob ecto |, Sy 135 Special Special Verdict (A), 7 ist Seiritentionn ¢ : Spoilt Children of a Word of Advice to the B i Souiling Home write the ord in the Wrong Place, 199 A), 210 Zona for the Haymakun Zazon, 255 LARGE ENGRAVINGS :-— AMERICAN de ern (Th at to Take her ‘‘Consti- “ Cesar Im a or, The American Lion of the Season is 213 Looking into the Accounts, 91 er throws his Wig into the e, 263 Our a , Maker, 183 Recollections ¢ of Ea Easter Monda; Seasonable bn. aaa ay for a Pe cin kaltna Lames — Slippery Work (A), 49 “‘ Strike, but Hear me!” 141 Strike—Hitting ac Hard (The), 253 SMALL ENGRAVINGS :— ** ATHLETIC Exercises,” 218 ** Ave a Pair on, Sir?” 23 * sg: o of Artillery Whisk- Butcher Boy and Drayman, 130 the » 202 Capital mt L-- Bodger and Pipps, 136 ’ “You was wery nearly Down, Sir!” BRADBURY AND EVANS, PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS. Christmas Vi Viator (4) 90) ae e Meronanh iba). 26 « Ne ed ” ceeetieoe Consolation, 13 Contented Mind (A), 55 Cotton Lord 1 pee bose: the thi Prize ), 248 Dini te Ena (A), 144 Doctor and Elder! » 256 Doing a ‘ Bit of Doul Effect of! the Weather on a Sensitive Plan’ t, 58 Eminent Tregedinn? 166 Ew atic 117. eo ae - oO e), Fact (A), 24 - Fi of Viet 116 a, Aoevered and Undersized Gent, 229 k Teasing bis Brother-in-law. 78 Ganays Academy Picture on View, 176 Going over the Gate, 90 a the Sham Fight at Brighton, Ph od at - 4g 186 ce er ome =the Streets up Again!” 137 Td Choose ter be ex Daisy," 171 nae not Bliss, 21 Immense Swell a-Shopping, 172 Irish House! “Isn't Mr. Blanque aWicked Man ?” 159 Italian Boot @), 86 “It Sets off the Uniform,” 196 Lady and Latest Im in Sweets, 12 Medium (A), 149 Modern Governess (The), 52 M after the Juvenile Party, 83 “* Neat Style of Cob that, Charles?” 84 ~~ Taal tiers, Too 107 42 z oid id Lads Delight at Seeing a lively be one Touch wet Natare,” — “on Our Artist at antec eee Ow Hanne Follows Fashion, 124 Painful Subject tay 182 Papal Beadle ‘A), 189 Pa; ve, seful and Ornamental Party with monies and Cabby, 44 Pho! Peete Hanover Square, 94 Pro sow Style of bres 104 Posen takes a Turkish Bath,192 - Riding-Hat Question (The), 358 Screaming Latin J as mE oS pony ths Frost, 26 ae ere,” “ She pa be a Pig,” 157 Shop ! 107. Six- , AE at Brighton, 158 Sketch from Nature (A), 113 Sketch of the Ship ‘* Express,” 65 Sketch on the Downs (A), 232 Snooks has Joined a Mounted Corps, £ ** Sour Grapes,” 110 Street Boy and Flunkey, 3 Sunday School Teacher and : Boy, 179 Sweet in Hats (A), 127 Thaw and the Streets (The), 48 63 ee re art in a Parlous State, Shey 2) »” Valuable Recommendation (A A), 2 for small Young Lady and Mr. Smith, 259

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sex Vo- nsitive 229 law. 78 pw, 176 ighton, 1” 137 fl 12” 159 no,” 196 7, 83 8?” S4 . lively n, 124 mental st, 26