Punch 1855: Vol 29

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PUBLISHED AT LONDON: THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET. AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. 1855. ee eee See eee

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LoNDoN : BRADBURY AND EVAN, PRINTERS, WHIT FFRIARS

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ROTHER JONATHAN,—Your friend Puncn makes you the very handsome Christmas offering of this, his Twenty-nintH Votume. The best of friends will now and then have little wrinkles of temper; but then a little calm consideration, a little tolerance towards one another, smoothes them out, and all is clear again. So, dear Jonatuan, let it be with you and me, even with Jonarman and Punca, as the two representatives of the great Saxon family ; between whom let there be nothing rougher than Atlantic billows. ne era let a Long before Gzorcz Wasnincton spun his peg-top, your friend Puncu was a bit of living, stirring wood—the real lignum vite—in hearty England. Genealogists, with a small envy, have dated the family of Punca no later than the time of Queen Anne. I have, I hope, a very proper contempt of this heraldic disparagement, I believe the family tree to have sprung from an acorn dropt, and mysteriously picked up, and as secretly dropt again in more congenial soil, from an oak of the Druids. Be this as it may, the deeds of Puncu have become his ancestors: and how many of your forefathers have laughed and meditated, and given . i their coppers, small but willing oblations at the shrine, that is, stage, of Puncu. You and he, Jonaruan, both speak a common language. When Pvuncu cries out in the streets, does not Jonatuan regard him ? I am most happy to find, dear friend, that Christmas will close in about us, and find us once more heart-whole and amicable. Pray give a hint—and one of the strongest—to Pazsipent Pizxce to put a muzzle now and then upon his Arrorney-Grenerat. Here has that amiable lawyer been doing his best to blow red coals between England and the States, and that too at a time when the heartiest good wishes and best sympathies of JonatHan ought to attend upon his relations. Ought, say 1? Why, they do. This is plain enough: for hardly has the lawyer aforesaid blown-off half his steam of verbiage, than the strong common sense, the good | h kindly heart of America spoke out, and warmed up, and declared that the very thought of another quarrel with | England was a monstrous folly and a huger crime. Andso Mr. Arronney-Genenat nationally snubbed, became | suddenly as quiet and as dumb as a defunct raven. | ~~ a

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hola _ not have it. I don’t think it would prove the bargain, even at a gift—(and Spain is quite as likely to give iv ‘PREFACE. [Decemper 29, 1855. Among other scandals, it was wickedly preached to your discredit, Jonatuan—rather let me say to your indignation—that the American eagle was to keep company awhile with the eagle of Muscovy, swooping alike at the same quarry, ravening alike on the same victims. We should as soon think of seeing the small pig-tail of Bensamin Franxiiy—(a relic, of course in the possession of the respected Mr. Barnum) —enlarged and elongated into the knout of the Czanx. We should as soon believe that the key of Frankuin that sublimed his soul with the conviction that he had drawn down the electric fire from the clouds, could be fitted to the lock of a dungeon for the liberty of the human race. No; no, Jonatuan! As it is sometimes said of cocks, so Puncu says of the likelihood of the conjoined American and Russian eagles,—those eagles won’t fight ! Let us, then, for all future time take good heed that we be mutually moderate; mutually forbearing. As for that matter of Cuba, I confess, I can hardly see why, if you paid for it, you should as she is to pay)—that you in your present exaltation believe it. Cuba is called a jewel: nevertheless, is there not a little too much black blood in the ruby to make it very valuable to yourself, all Southern circumstances considered ? Any way, JonaTaan, let us, at this season, making long arms, shake hands across the Atlantic, Let our amity remain as green as holly leaves, our hearts unspotted by black as the holly berries. And | so to the end let all “ asperities” be worn away. “ That the smooth temper of our age may be Like the high leaves upon the holly tree.” You may acknowledge this Christmas tribute in any cordial manner—after your own cordial nature you may please. A few bouquets the more, an extra cheer or so, to our literary plenipotentiary, WitiramM Maxereace Tuackeray now in the States, will be blithely taken in full quittance, by Dear JonATHAN, Your Affectionate Friend (For tut Peorite or Encianp), PUNCH. — ee een om —. — -—- - «a a -

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ONDAY, June 25th. Is the Commons the First Lorp or THe | -"4 ApMIRALTY apprised the house of the actual extent of the Hango | masterly exposures of the conduct of Prussia | atrocity; and also mentioned the contradictory lies by which the Russian authorities affected to vindicate it. It appears that the | ruffians at Hango murdered outright but six of the boat’s crew, (two their own fellow-subjects), and wounded the same number, the remainder of the party being made prisoners. The Russians pretend, first, that they did not see the of truce; and, secondly, that they had been irritated into firing upon it, by learning that elsewhere soundings had been taken under the protection of such an ensign; a | third lie, no such thing having ever been done. From the contemptu- | ously inconsistent character of the answer, it is manifest that the Russians glory in one of the foulest crimes ever perpetrated. | Lorp Patmerston announced, that the government meant to throw over the bill for dealing with Doctors’ Commons, and some important Scotch and Irish bills. He also a sed that the question of | education—about which there cou) oF course be no hurry—should stand over until next year. He would pass, if he could, the bill for | transferring the Ordnance rty to the Secretary at War, the bill regarding Limited Partnership, and the Board of Health bills. Mr. | Punch reserves his sentiments upon the utility of Parliaments until he sees whether even this modified programme be carried ont. The Premier made a much more satisfactory announcement, in stating that our losses in the late ga)lant attack on the Redan, though _ they are not to be spoken of lightly, were very small compared to the estimate at first made. The rest of the night was occupied with Lorp Jonw Russe.’s unconstitutional constitutions for Victoria and New South Wales, and towards the end of the debate many members had acquired a tolerably distinct idea as to what part of the world those places were situate in. VOL, XXIX. } | + AALTLSLLAL EG n MLLOE NAY, ABOUT TO FIRE HIS 29 POUNDER PUNCH’S ESSENCE~ OF PARLIAMENT. Tuesday.—In the Lords, Lorp Lynpuvnst made another of his ia, Austria, and our Foreign Office, m regard to the war. He deliberately declared, that he had no confidence in Prussia, and that the “ subserviencyZ’ of that wretched nation to Russia, deprived her of “the title to be cailed an independent power.” He owned to having had some hope of Austria, as a military country under a young and spirited monarch, but she had also turned craven, and was in a state of “humiliation.” He showed how Russia had first bamboozled and then scoffed at our negociator, of whom the old Tory was unkind enough to say, that he never knew a man involved in difficulties and perplexities extricate himself from them with more address and dexterity than that noble lord, and he believed that the noble lord would voluntarily place himself in situations of difficulty, in order to exert his skill in e ing from them. But upon this oceasion the artful dodger had yo Finally, he was so good as to remind Lorp Patwenstow that the present crisis was one of exceeding difficulty, and that though he had eome into office amid popular applause, he must mind most particularly well what he was about, if be meant to preserve either applause or office. Lory CLARENDON grumbled that Austria, and Germany in general, should be spoken of disrespectfully, but admitted that we had failed im bringing them to behave decently, and added, that the result was that France and England were now unfettered, and might make any peace they pleased—a great triumph, a those nations must feel. Hlowever, they have a little more war to make before they make any peace. In the Commons, Lonp Rosert Grosvenor intimated that he did not believe that the people were opposed to his Sunday ‘Trade Bill, and that he meant to go on with it. How is this man to be convinced ? He has written a letter objecting to being thrown into the Serpentine, and really one does not know what process of conviction would be

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J PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIV ARI. a ———— Ee eceptableto him. Mr. Mruxer Gipsox, who has had no indignation | to spare for the Hango massacre by the Russians, had, and so much about some old pots and pans, which have been smashed by the Allies in the Kertch museum. Ma. Tom Duxcompe raised the question, whether Baron Rotus-| | ewitp, by taking the Government loan, had not disqualified himself | were interfered with. from sitting in the House, which will not admit him because he isa Jew. A select committee is to consider the matter. The Sunday Beer Act was then made the subject of an edifying dis- cussion, in the course of which Sir Gronce Grey, following Lorp Konert Grosvenor, expressed his belief, that it was not the humbler classes who opposed the measure, but their betters, whose amusements Will Str Geonoe Grey do Mr. Punch the honour of taking a seat in bis pew next Sunday morning, and after- wards of accompanying the reverend gentleman on a round of visits among his poor. It would be a work of mercy, and therefore quite proper on Sunday, and it would prevent Str Ggonrce from talking, in future (upon one subject at least) w Mr. Punch mast, in the politest manner, characterise as abominable nonsense. The act has heen, in the meantime, consigned to a committee, who are to inquire into its working. The people will naw have an opportunity of stating their grievances. lave was given to bring in a bill, which will not be allowed to go much further, by reason of its evident justice, namely, a measure for giving a vote to everybody who pays income tax, and a resolution was carried to the effect, that the present duties on stage-carriagés were ' unjust, When the requisite alterations are made, a law should be passed prohibiting omnibus proprietors from varying the rate of their | fares more than five times in one week. Wednesday. The Maynooth nuisance. Thursday. The War Minister announced a very excellent step. We | reeruit 1000 men a-week, but this is not enough, and therefore it is intended to double the pay of the soldier who is actually in the field, and to invest this additional money for him in a Savings Bank (guaranteed, we trust), to be paid either to him on his return, or “to those whom he may hold most dear,” should he fall. __ The Commons made some progress with the Metropolis Management Bill, and with an Irish Tenants Compensation Bill, into the discassion on which latter were imported some of the usual amenities which many [rish members mistake for dignified self-assertion. Friday. In the Lords, Lorp Brovenam called attention to the present highly satisfactory system by which Appeals to their Lordships are disposed of. These Appeals are naturally left to the law-lords, and if only two of these personages attend, and happen to differ in opinion, the decision of the Court below is always confirmed. BaoucHam scemed to think that the unlucky appellant ought to have a little fair play, and that more lords ought to attend. But he quite forgot that the Lorp Caance.tor, when he sits in the Lords to hear an appeal off ever! PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE. “ The Sheriff, with a most monstrous watch, is at the door.” — Henry IV., Part I., Act ii., Scene 4. A HOPELESS CASE IN HANOVER SQUARE. against his own decision below, wears an entirely different and far more imposing wig than that in which he sits in , Nery and this gives great consolation to a suitor. In the Commons, Patmerston admitted that Austria was sending home an immense number of her soldiers, and thereby rendering invalu- able service to Russia, by releasing a proportionate Russian force from the duty of observation. But Pam said, that the plea was that the health of the Austrian soldiers required this change. Mr. Punch has always believed Austria too indisposed to fight. Mr. CayLey made a great complaint, that Lorp Canntne should be the new Governor-General of India, when he, Carey, had considered that Lonp Exers ought to be the man. Mr. Punch really does not see what right old Ma. Carty bas to nominate the representatives of Her Masesty in India, and suggests to that ancient agriculturist, that he had better mind his chaff-cutter, and leave Cal-cutta alone. Srr Caartes Woop announced, that the Government will not have anything to do with Lory Dunponatp’s annihilating invention. That being settled, if we were Lonp Donpona.p, we would make the ex- periment off our own bat, in a way which should convince everybody. Let him utterly annihilate some abominable place in the very heart of London. A happy thought. Mr. Punch hereby offers him Holywell Street. Let that nuisance, and all that therein is, di , some night, and the very next Gazette will announce that Lorp Duypona.p, with a step up the peerage, is gone out to pulverise Cronstadt. The very useful Bill by which it will be made possible for a person to invest his money in assisting another’s business or speculation, without involving himself beyond the amount so invested—in other words, a measure for preventing partners from ruining one another, was read a second time. The evening and the week were brought to a pleasant termination by another Irish row, upon the subject of Lunatic Asylums in Ireland. Money has beea advanced for these institutions, and the [rish, when called upon to make arrangements for repaying it, naturally try to pick a quarrel instead. Still, Afr. Punch does not think that Mr. ‘bes would object, if ten times as much mensy were expended in this method of providing for people, who are evidently unfit to have charge of their own affairs. Tae old Philharmonic on Monday evening last week closed a career, which, there is too much reason to apprehend, it will never resume. The aged party had been in declining health for some years, but might, | perhaps, have gone on for a few more, at a jog-trot , by sticking to that. Urged, however, by the advice of some well-meaning but inju- dicious friends, the unhappy invalid, with impaired faculties, attempted to advance to some extent in accordance with modern ideas, but halted far behind them, and got exhausted in the effort. The supporters failed and refused their office, and the constitution was threatening to break up, when Dra. Wacyer was called in as a desperate resource : but under his hands the patient became rapidly worse, and now lies in an insensible state with little hope of recovery. The Sharp Shooters of Hango. A Dove once brought, to Noan’s Ark, The Olive-Branch of Love : Had Russians been on board that Bark, They would have shot that Dove. Lord Grosvenor’s Revenge. Some people—we do not profess to know them—may regret to hear that in the event of Lonp Grosvenor’s Black Sunday bill being thrown out, his lordship has determined in commemoration of his barber clause, to cease to shave for all future time; and further, in imitation of the Wandering Jew, will take up his staff, and become a _ fide traveller for the rest of his days. We caa only say—Bon oyage ! Real Kindness. Ir having been buzzed about Belgravia, that the mob intended on Sunday last (see his lordship’s letter in the Times) to throw Lorp Rosert Grosvenor into the Serpentine, a few benevolent ladies of the neighbourhood, late on Saturday evening, sent his lordship a very i handsome cork jacket.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE TICKET OF LEAVE. (4s sung by the Holder, amid a convivial Circle in the Slums.) Ven a prig has come to grief, He’s no call for despera- tion ; Though I’m a conwicted | thief, | Still L’ve ’opes of libera- tion. The Reverend Chapling to | deceive | A certain dodge and safe resource is, Whereby you gets a Ticket | of Leave, And then resumes your wicious courses. . ( peice) Won day he comes to me arter service, and axes me what (Spoken.) I vos lagged, my | [ thought [ could do for myself in the way of yarnin a honest liveliwood, beloved pals, on a suspicion | if 5 be as I was to be allowed my liberty to go back to the world. of burglary, ’ad up afore the |“ Ah! Sir,” says I, “I don’t think no longer about the world. "Tis a Recorder, aud got seven world of sorrow and wanity. I havn’t given a thought to what I should years’ penal serwitude and | do in it.” “ Every one,” says the Chapling “ has his sphere of usefulness ard labour. Hand preshus | in society; can you think of no employment which you have the desire ard labour and ’ard lines [| and aay to follow?” “ Well, Sir,” says I, “if there is a wocation found it at first, mind you. | which I should feel delight and pleasure in follerin’ ’tis that of a Seripter Vell, I says to myself, blow | Reader. Bat I ain’t worthy to be a Seripter Reader. A coalporter of me! I aint a goin’ to stand | tracts and religious books, Sir, I thinks that’s what I should like to this ’ere, you know; but/try and be, if the time of my just punishment was up. But there's taint no use kickin agin| near seven year, Sir, to think about that—and p’raps ’tis better for me | stone walls and iron spikes: wot I shall try and do is to gammon the | to be here,’ That’s the way I used to soap the Chapling—Cos vy ? parson, For ie “—_ “ Ven a prig,” &e. Ven a prig,” &c. Them parsons is so jolly green, d They 're sure to trust in your conwersion, Which they, in course, believes ’as been _ The consequence of their exertion. You shakes your ’ead, turns up your eyes, And they takes that to be repentance ; Wherein you moans, and groans, and siglis, By reason only of your sentence. So he thought 1 kissed the rod, All the while my ’art was ’ardened ; And I ’adn’t been very long in quod Afore he got me as good as pardoned ; And here am I with my Ticket of Leave, Obtained by shamming pious feeling, Which lets me loose again to thieve, For I means to persewere in stealing. (Spoken.) With which resolution, my beloved pals, if you please |‘! | | couple the ’elth of the clergy ; and may they hever continue to be sitch (Spoken.) Wen in a state of wiolent prespiration smokin’ ’ot from | kind friends as they now shows theirselyes to us when we gets into | the crank, the Chapling comes into m cell, and he says, says he, “ My | trouble. For, man,” he says, “how do you feel?” “’Appy, Sir,’ says I, with a “Ven a prig,” &c. gentle sithe; “thank you, Sir: quite ’appy.” “ But you seem dis-)-— = EE ea ps t , My poor fellow,” says he. “In body, Sir,” says I; “ yes. | : Pine But that makes me more ’appy. I’m glad to be distressed in body. Jt NOTICE TO CORRESPONDENTS. serves me right. But in mind I’m ’appy: leastways almost ’appy. “Ave you hany wish to express,” says he; “is there any request as Mr. Puwcw is never too proud to accept assistance from his humbler you would like to make.” “Awker’s Hevening Potion, Sir,” says I, fellow-labourers in the great work of civilisation. Having recently ob- “and the Datryman’s Daughter : if "Awxen’s Hevening Potion was but served, in the columns of a provincial contemporary, the following mine—and the Dai 8 Daughter—I think, Sir, 1 should be quite’ vigorous reply to some presumptuous — who had offered strictures | app: a a ons the parson, “ your desire shall be attended on the Editor’s conduct of the paper, Mr. Punch immediately embalms | to, he valked: me a takin’ a sight at’im be’ind ’is back ;' and adopts it. He requests that this model sentence, which he quotes for as soon as | thought he wos out of ’earin’, sings | to myself— literatim, and in which severity, determination, and terseness are com- | “ Ven a prig,” &c. bined with unparalleled felicity, may be accepted as Mr, Punch’s answe 4 to any and every person who may henceforth dare to complain of any In the chapel hof the Jug, thing in these pages, or to request abstinence from future censure :— y I id the meek and lowly, “ We have, evidently, gall'd the withers of some miscreant, mayhap some political adven- | Pullin’ sitch a Ly mug turer, or blackleg, and we shail not withdraw the lash, till the beast, whoever he may Le, hus I looked unkimmon pure and ’oly. spared Oreation the infamy of his presence.” As loud as ever 1 could shout, _—————— All the responses too I hutter’d, } | Exqursrre !—A Term generally applied to fools, fops, torture, and | Vespi’s music, Well knowing what [ was about : So the reverend Gent I buttered.

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Se ee 4 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL INDEMNITY FOR THE WAR. Hk Cochin hina Cock—that ain | vee Ree nuisance in scanty feathers—is the allowed disturber of tlie peace of families. All orderly people have a crow to pick with hum. We are, however, rejoiced to learn, that another sort of cock—a cock from the Black Sea—acco rding to the papers “is likely to prove a for- midable rival” to tl ae hanti- cleer of Confucius. It is alto- gether a more handsome, more delicate bird; for “it is crested, and has feathered legs ;” whereas the manner in which the Cochins stalk about before their pantaloons are feathered is, at least, un- comfortable to the eye of the benevolent. Now, as respects the Crimean Cock :— “Its most distinguishing pecull- arity is in the arrangement of the tail feathers. These are very few and do not project as in other birds, but drop down and lie close to the body, 80 that the creature appears tailless and when its bead is erect scarcely has the appearance of a bird. How capitally will this Crimean Cock—with his feathers down, with no appa rent tail—rema a liv seful testimony of our triumph over Russia. Joun Bui will fondly treasure the bird as his own—the Cock of the Black Sea. But the great blessing bestowed upon quiet people will be in the utter destruction, as promised, of the Cochin-China Cock ‘es the ( Cock ¢ ‘ the Crimea. At present Cochin China is horribly obstre perous ! How frightful, in these early mornings, is Cochin-China’s “cock-a- doodle-do /” _ ‘il asing to think, that with the triumph of the Crimean Cock, the | Cochin’s “coc dle-do,” will be a “ Cock-a-doodle-done / SOYER’S BIVOUAC COOKERY M. Sores has fav ured the Jimes with “some of the most i important receipts concocted out of the soldier’s rations.” Marvellous has been the Frenchm: an’ cunning exercise -d on mere salted pork, und common household onions. He has immortalise d the great Turkish General in a dish of “Stewed Salt Beef and Pork 4 4 Omar Pasua:” he bas, moreover, stood ” sponsor to a mess of raisins, fat treacle, &c., calling the compound—* Cossack’s Pt udding. g Now these things, with others, M. Soren has made known to the Times. To Mr. Punch alone ALexis Soyer has communicated the receipts subjoined :— Potace &@ /a ABERDEEN. Take the leanest rib of the leanest Isle of Skye sheep: if a sheep is not to be had, try the old leather of the regimental bagpipe. ‘Take three thistles; pluck away the down, and | carefully skin the thistles. If for two quarts of soup, split two peas. Skimming is not necessary Monster Pirmrvppive @ /a GLADSTONE. A pudding for six hundred and fifty-eight, Take a handful of raisins, stone them ; divide the stones into, say a hundred equal parts ; and after shakir 1g them together, divide the parts into five hr indred more. Crack th ree eggs "(from any mare’s nest) and beat together. Tet your s! ire «ls of lemon-peel be excessively candied. Take another handful of raisins of the sun, with half as many currants of the moonshine. Thicken with flour at will. Stir with an Excl hequer tally,’and boil in a pudding-cloth from an Oxford surplice Bortenv Beer 2 Za Str James Granam. Choose any beef, except the beef of a Nineveh bull, for it is too tough for the purposes hi of a bowl (loully) ? Boil in salt water, and flavour with onions (the Netherby sort are the best if at head). Flavour the liquor with a yarn of any sort. Piezon Pie 4 da Paace Party. If no pigeons or doves are to be had, take a Russian duck. If a duck is not to be had, take a gull. Ifo guil is at hand, anything will do as well. The only necessary prec aution to be taken for a Peace Pie is this, —whatever may be contained within the dish, there must be pigeon’s feet peeping out of the crust. These made with paste, and varnished with egg —(if Manehester-laid the better)—will serve all purposes. _ Panistay Baxryes Canerotty Arrenpep to.—It must be confessed, that our drama- tists and actors of the present day make their bread mostly out of French Ré/es. LORD ROBERT GROSVENOR’S CANTICLE. | Tue mansions of the just I’) share, or live where sinners dwell ; My 1 heart delighteth in May-Fair, But ye ‘lerkenwell. My house shall in Tyburnia be ; My home in Pimheo ; I will not rest in Bermondsey, Or sleep nigh Bunhill Row. | Mount Pleasant is a wicked place ; A naughty folk’s abode. And | let me not, in any case, Leside by Goswell Road But on Hay-Hill I will rejoice, In Grosvenor Square the same : The latter place give me, for choice, By reason of the name, Oh! come on Sunday from your lanes, And courts, ye straying sheep ; And here behold what ~ reigns, And how we Sunday Yo ~ ’\] see no fish for de, nor meat, No public-houses here, WI I — e ragged girls, with slipshod f Are fetching pots of beer. You'll 1 never, on that holy day, Unhallow’d shoulders view, Of mutton, brought from o’er the way, Our blessed gates unto, With baked potatoes under that, Upon a tray of tin, All smoking hot, and soak’d with fat, But steep’d still more in sin. | No kind of work our servants do, (For aught that you can see ;) That we are even such as yon, | And eat and drink, deem ye ? Make others cook that we may dine ” That we can do such wrong ? So grossly break the law divine ? O misbelieving throng ! Though every day, on sumptuous fare, | I feast, of all the seven And purple and fine linen wear, [ still may hope for heaven. Because on Sunday my repast A righteous meal will be, Since [ shall make the poor man fast, And pray—perhaps !—for me. THE DANGERS OF THE THAMES. | We read in the account of the Henley regatta, that one of the boat races A, - by —_ adventure, in co n. Lewis, o Chelsea, having —— his scull” This an- nouncement is somewhat alarmirg, and indeed it is rather unintelligible, for we do not see how Mr. Lewis can have caused the frightful fracture which ineapacitated him from further exertion ; though it is possible that he may have reesive from his competitor in the heat of the moment— | which to have been the Second Heat—an injary of the kind described. We are great ad- murers of aquatic sports, and we have often | va amor up ” a cabman, which is no very easy or agreeable task; but when we find we are liable to have our scull broken, we are almost deter- | mined to keep out of anything in the shape of | a row, or a rowing match as long as we live. Lorp Patmerston’s Evi Examprte.—There’s | Soren now—that other Minister of the Interior, —who not satisfied with attending to the diffe- = Messes in the Crimea, is actually making | jokes !

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iffe- | cing | q 3 - a =. aaa

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Pp women \ \ 4 . } Py! trae Wy a , Y ‘dd Y Hy fy" ( thy Vj iy, iy } 4 ff SH; ty ¥ 7 Q j ; Y// 4/4 4/4 JA Yj a ‘Lh Jf ; % BS \\y: a , af , a “~s “s Sy \ AS \ WN ~ ~ WS ———owr R SSN SSS : Mh ty sees NUT edu oak SHAH | MINAS - = la ~ i ie = | wl ' , A LUB. Just a Sandwich and a Nice Glass of Hock and Seltzer Water. ‘ j ; = THE my Lord Robert Grosvenor. lie tted to dD. ‘Puc, No. 730. 7, 1855.) JULY

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Mancina Iie f tela Tey a = —_ THE ROADSIDE INN. A Mouthful of Dust and a Pull at the Pump. if Dedicated to my Lord Robert Grosvenor. j | i a Fi Jury 7, 1855.) [Puncn, No. 730,

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: : : : Dal at oie ti ;

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI 9 THE TWO SABBATHS. Rica man’s Sabbath is the easiest day of an easy seven; _ On oiled springs and well-stuff’d cushions in its carriage goes to aven. If the road be steep and rugged, what are horses for? To pull, If the turnpike tolls 4e heavy, what then? His purse is full. Poor man’s Sabbath mast be a work-day, his other six to suit : If he must go to Heaven—let him find his way on foot. Is he thirsty ? Close the taps: or Poor man will be boozing: Is he footsore? Fence the turf: or Poor man will be snoozing. Rich man’s Sabbath takes its extra-hour of a downy bed : Lingers o’er its breakfast : Can it pray, till it hath fed? In trim garden, or snug parlour, wiles its time away, Till Jouy brings the gilt prayer-books—and Kich man rides to pray. Poor man’s Sabbath stifles in its attic foul, Visits its bare cupboard with a ble and a growl. Its children’s hungry bellies with a cuff or crust assuages, Then goes to Sunday market, with Saturday night’s wages. tich man’s Sabbath reads his Service, at a guinea, velvet-bound, To match the velvet cushions of the snug pew, curtain’d round. That if the parson droneth, Rich man at ease may snooze Out of the reach of nasty draughts, and envious free seats’ views. Poor man’s Sabbath sitteth with its feet on the cold stones, Rests on a hard and unback’d bench, as it may, its weary bones If it understand the parson or not is little odds, Oat of pulpit ear-shot are the seats, where Poor man’s Sabbath nods. Rich man’s Sabbath has its club-house for needful sustentation, Its Zoological Gardens for harmless recreation, Its Ring to ride or drive in—hack-cabs are not admitted— In short, let Rich man’s Sabbath form a wish, and it is fitted. Poor man’s Sabbath if it will wa/z has the City streets to walk in: If it must have society, there’s its own one room to talk in : But it must not see Rich man’s wild beasts, or smell rich man’s sweet owers, It will drink: but it gets no beer unless at legal hours. Let Rich man make a Sabbath for Rich man: ’tis his due ; | But why should he insist on making Poor man’s Sabbath too? There was Poor man once who said (he was under Rich man’s ban), | “Man was not made for the Sabbath, but the Sabbath made for man.” Thus far I had written, balancing my lines with labour’d art, NELSON'S DAUGHTER AND GRANDCHILDREN. Aw advertisement in the 7imes tells the world, that the eight children of Nzcson’s daughter Horatia—Newson’s grandchildren—are “ more or less provided for.” Perhaps a little less than more; but let that jpass. At length along, long standing debt has been paid, or rather | compounded at something less than nineteen shillings in the pound. | |The government, as the government, has done nothing. ‘The stiff, | whalebone virtue that set up the’back of Qumgw Cuantorre against Netson’s daughter—Grorce tux Turrp thought Netson’s funeral had too much state in it fora mere subject ; such pomp “ was for kings ” —still kept the government aloof from all help of Honatta and her children. At length, however, the press spoke out. The “ribald | ress” for a time laid aside its ribaldry, and condescended to champion | | the glaims of Netson’s daugh‘er upon Netson’s fellow-countrymen. | Well, something has been done ; and thus much in explanation we take | from the advertisement in question :— “The eight children of Honarta, Mus. Waap, age all now, more or less, provided for. Her eldest son has been presented to the living of Radstock, by the Dowacen Countess oy Watprcrave; the second son bad been | jously appointed by Sin W. Buawerr Assistant-Surgeon in the Navy; to the third, Lono Cuawcencom Cran- | Wout has given a Clerkship in the Registry-Office ; the fourth son received a Cadetey | | from Carraiy Suzpuerv; His Royat Hicuyess Paice ALaenr conferred a similar appointment on the youngest son; and Hen Masrsry has been graciously pleased to | settle upon the three daughters a pension of £300 perannum. To this last result the exertions of the late Ma, Hum, M.P., mainly contributed. Mesens. Gages, of Blackwall, and Messas. Smrru, of Newcastle, conveyed the two Cadets to India free of expense.” To this may be added “‘a small cash balance” paid to Mrs. Wano, | “after investing £400 in the funds.” Altogether some £1,427 have been | subscribed in the cause of Ne.son’s daughter. We state the sum, and will not pause to calculate whether the amount be the tenth of a farthing or even a whole farthing in the pound, for which England is Nexson’s debtor. Let us any way thank those who have helped | Horatia’s children. They have all done well, from the Dowager- Countess to the Queen, ending with the prince ship-owners of Black- wall and Newcastle. Their ships will not have the worst fortune of wreck or storm for having borne, passage-free, the grandsons of Nexson to their Indian work. Let us, too, pause to thank the shade | | of Josern Hume—the strong, sound, kind, old heart!—Josern, who | |“ mainly contributed,” with those earnest, honest fingers of his to undraw the royal purse-strings, so that the three granddaughters may now keep the wolf from the door, as their immortal grandfather kept | the foe from the “ silver-girted isle,” Of course, from motives no doubt most delicate, most honourable, and therefore to be most profoundly respected, the names of all the helpers of Horatia and her children are not given. For we nowhere | | see in the list the name of the present Earn or Netson, of the man | | who is now a peer because a certain glorious sailor—son of a humble | Norfolk parson—bled out his life in the Victory’s cockpit. The living When something said—* Shame on you! If you must write, write your | peer lives a noble life, walks on velvet and sleeps on roses,—the velvet ” heart— Pharisees! that with upturn’d eyes, clasp’d hands and saintly drone, | See motes in your poor brother’s eye—what beams are in your own? Is this God’s world or the devil’s? Six days to Mammon given, And one to make your souls in, square accounts with Heaven ? In street and mart and senate is the devil free to perch— And God Almighty shut within the four walls of your church ? You talk of Sabbath-breaking—for Sunday bills you seek ! Is not God’s Sabbath broken every day of all the week ?- Live lives that prove you Christian, and I warrant you will prove There 7s a power in godliness, words of truth and works of love. Do you your best to make this world, what God meant this world | 44,0 sho Look abroad and read what fhat is, in blossom, flower, and tree, In the love as in the loveliness sown broad-cast over earth, And for both within the heart of man a yearning and a dearth. Find food for these: Lift piggish life out of the filthy stye, ; Where your vested rights have plunged it to struggle, curse and die. Find a light for those dark places your lights can never reach : Go to the Book, whose lesson men must live, or need not preach. Feed the hungry: clothe the naked: teach the outcast: free the slave. “ This is my Sabbath,” saith the Lord, “ the offering I crave.” Is Heaven above our heads? Not so: *s kingdom is on earth: All days are his, for rich and poor, that lie *twixt death and birth. Handsome Compliment. “ Tue Old Woman who lived in a Shoe,” must have been a compli- mentary allusion by one of our juvenile to Mus. Gamr, the Old Woman, who still lives in Shoe Lona, and keeps up to the present day the Morning Herald, as a nursery of newspaper literature. and flowers all, in some mysterious way, fashioned from the thunderbolts | caat about him by the Duxs or Baontt. But then, of course, the | living Eart has made some offering—has rendered up something of the wealth of which the first Parson Lory Netson a little smugly fobbed ithe naughty Lany Hamriton. For somehow that Kant—can the |story be too often told? we think not—somehow he forgot to make | known Nerson’s codicil, fearing that the swn of £120,000, about to be | voted for the support of the new peerage, might be affected by the publicity of the document. The codicil was waste paper, and the Han. |or Ne .son, with his thumb at his nose—-for he was capable of the | gesture—showed Lapy Hamruton to the door; though when she died, the Parson-peer anxiously crossed the sea to Calais in search of her property, but only found the pawnbroker’s duplicates. fell, there were some amends to be made for this; and of course present Earn or Nezson has made all graceful reparation. | He has no doubt done good by stealth; and so stealthily that he will | never blush to find it fame. Who shall Decide when Bishops Disagree ? ‘Tr Bishops met the other day in convocation, when the Bisuor or | Loypon brought up a report which some of the other Bishops declined to swallow. The ) mn or Sr. Asarn “objected,” and the Ancu- Bisnor or CanTersuny said “the report was in direct opposition to that agreed upon last July.” The proceedings then took a turn, which canned one somewhat of an altercation about a game of billiards, for ‘the Bisnor or Oxrorp defended the Bisnor or Lonpow, on the ground that he did not want to make a “Canon.” The probability is that | several of the Bishops would readily forego the pleasure of “ making 4 canon ;” and that their game would rather be, to put something into | the pocket. | | | Wacwer’s Heno.—The best singer of the Music of the Future is Ma. Semi-Baxeves, for whenever he is advertised to sing a song, it is | sure to be postponed indefinitely to some future period.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | ; TASTE. Shop-yirl (who has been expected to possess Tawnyson’s “ Miller's Daughter We've not Gor tHe MILLER's—BUT HERE 's THE RatcatcHer’s Davonter, Just Pouptisuep! !” HOW TO RESTORE CONFIDENCE IN PRIVATE | BANKS. Arrer the recent disgraceful smash of the Bank of Pavt, Stranay, and Co., whose principal ner was remarkable for his seriousness, and for his punctuality in taking the chair at pious meetings, it is quite evident that the religious dodge will no longer serve the turn of com- mercial swindlers. e are opposed to prejudice of all kinds; but we are forced to admit, that we have long an antipathy to men who interlard their conversation with texts from Scripture, and sign their letters “ Yours in the true faith,” or with other cant phrases which touch upon the borders of blasphemy. We once knew two serious tailors who were brothers, ond in partnership, but who had not | spoken to each other for years, though they both went on talking about | “grace” and “ works” till they wound up their career in a Court of a when each proved the other a rogue to the satisfaction of | everybody. | The frightful collapse of religious cant in the case of the banking. | house which has just broken down, will cause such a revulsion of feeling against the mingling of the outward appearances of piety with commercial concerns, that we should not be surprised if a private bank were to introduce a “fast partner’’ for the purpose of inspiring the | confidence of the public. Instead of the language of the conventicle, | we may expect to hear a little of the slang of the night-house, from | behind a Banker’s counter ; and, indeed, it would be no bad speculation to engage some great representative of the flash school, to deal with those customers, whose suspicions will be aroused by anything in the shape of religious pyrene For the benefit of those firms who would like to t our hint, we furnish a few specimens of the mode in which the flash element might be introduced into the ordinary transactions of a Banker’s busi- ness. ‘The customer presents a cheque for payment, upon which the fast partner exclaims, “ Now, my r-r-r-r-rammy customer, how will | you have it, when will you have, where will you have it? Will you| take it in flimsies, or will you have it all in tin? Come—look sharp, | my downy one, and I ’ll fork out the brads like bricksey wicksey.” An individual presents himself at the counter with some money to be paced to his account, when the fast partner, or the flash clerk greets im somewhat in the following fashion. “Come along, come along, come along! Is your money safe with us thinks you? I believe you | my boy! says. There! Nix my dolly pals draw away. Are your | securities safe? to be sure they are. Right asatrivet, (Sings.)— “ In the box of a stone jug they are born.” TWO SUNDAY TRAVELLERS. Some controversy has arisen as to the defi- | nition of a bond fide traveller travelling on a Sunday. One kind of traveller, at any rate, has a reasonable claim to that title—the person who, being confined by business all the week, travels on the Sunday for the sake of his health ; for such a person not only may, but ought to, take that opportunity of exercise. But a question which may also be mooted is, who is the mald fide traveller on the day of rest? Surely, if | | anybody is to be considered such, it is he who | not only travels himself in his carriage, but also | compels men-servants to travel bebind him, on | that solemn day, with their heads absurdly pow- | dered, and their persons preposterously attired in coats and waistcoats and breeches of sky-blue and crimson, drab and scarlet, or chocolate and | | gamboge, causing them to exhibit a droll and | unseasonable resemblance to bullfinches, cock- robins, and yellowhammers. | e RUSSIAN JOKE. Tr the Red Indians should, like us, Ever at war be with the Russ, Of course they ’ll never be the geese To offer them the Pipe of Peace, Knowing who at Hango broke it ; Sure that a bullet would be sped, For answer, through the bearer’s head, With these brief words, jocosely said ,— Alluding to the ounce of lead— _ “ Pat that in your Pipe and smoke it!” ”). “No, Miss! = Tue Last Woxrp.—Finis. see them? No you von’t, von’t you? (Sings.)— “ If I had a customer vot vonldn't go— To see his securities down below, I'd say——” “No never mind what [’d say, for as you don’t want to look at them, why then. (Sings.)— “ Down among the dead men, Down among the dead men, Down among the dead men, Let them lie!” Would you like to TRIAL IN THE COURT OF HYMEN. Descaisine a “ Marriage in High Life,” our fashionable contem- porary says— “ The mother of the bride was unequal to the trial, which her presence at the charch would have imposed on her.” | Trial! What trial? Surely there was no bigamy in the case ; and if there had been, the offence was not one to which the lady, by her attendance at the nuptials, would have subjected herself to indictment | for being an accessory. Anglo-American Institutions. THose sumptuary quacks who are trying to get the Maine Liquor Law introduced among us should consider that Yankee Legislation is a@ game that two parties can play at. Notwithstanding our hostile relations with Russia, this country contains abundance of tar, and plenty of brushes; in addition to which, it is amply supplied with feathers : and the gentlemen who are attempting the importation of a Liquor Law from America, may find that other people have imported a Lynch Law. “WHERE ARE YOUR MORALS?” Way, they are mostly to be met with rts in company with “ Rum-ti-iddity,” or “ Tooral-looral-looral,” or “ Flibbitigibbity-Wisky- Bosky-Bang” at the end of a comic song. A PARLIAMENTARY DIVISION. Tas pestion, who in Parliament are opposed to the povent war, may be divided into two large spinning-classes ; those who, like Baieur, spin cotton, and those who, like GLapstone, spin long yarns. ——_

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| | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ee TOO LITERAL BY HALF. Scene.—A “ cheap” chop-house not a hundred miles from L—nd—n, Waiter. “ Paysir? Yessir—Whataveyeradsir ?” Matter-of fact old gentleman (who has been reading the “ Quarterly” | on “ Food and its adulterations.”) “ Had? why, let me see: I’ve had some horsetail soup, spiced with red-lead and shop-sweepings: a plate of roast cow, and cabbage boiled with verdigris: a crust of plaster of Paris, baked with alum and bone-dust: half-a-pint of porter brewed from quassia and strychnine: and acup of charred liver, annatto, and other unknown ingredients.” (Exit Waiter for a Straight-Waistcoat, and a Stomach-Pump A SPOKE IN THE COMMON WHEEL. Wuart is to be done to cut down the length of the Parliamentary debates? Everybody admits that talking is the great obstruction to legislation, and everybody feels that it is of no use talking, for it is quite impossible to talk the Members out of their propensity to long harangues. It would be worth almost any money if a ae could be made, by which to induce Parliament to hold its tongue. Many of the talkers are looked upon as nothing better than long-winded pumps, the effect of which would be invaluable if the pumps could be got to act as air-pumps upon one another, and mutually exhaust each other | as well as themselves. The vehicle of legislation is brought to a dea | standstill, because Mr. So-anp-So’s flatulence stops the way. The other evening an honourable Member began by declaring, that “it was | with unspeakable anxiety he rose,” and he went on speaking his | unspeakabilities for near an hour and a half. Speech is said to have been given to man to conceal his thoughts, but Parliamentary speech seems to have been given to some men to expose | their thoughtlessness ; for if they considered for a moment, they would never allow their love of talking to put an end to all legislative action. | In matters of ordinary business it is considered a sound principle that a thing should be no sooner said than done, but in the House of Commons a thing is no sooner said, than it is tolerably sure not to be done till a year at least from the date at which it was spoken of. Lord Hahnemann Stiggins. Ir is well known that Lonp Rosert Grosvenor is a Homccopathist as well as a Sabbatarian. His fanaticism explains his quackery. He | patronises infinitesimal globules, , owing to their utter inertness, | they are medicines which cannot possibly desecrate Sunday. | A Prerry Seytimeyt ror a Lapy’s Ausum.—The wings of Love | fly away with the strongest o’ pinions.—Jensins. | SABBATH-BREAKING AND SWEARING. SweaRinc is now not only unfashionable, but both unusual and | vulgar. An oath is rarely uttered by an individual of the First or Second Class, even when the Collector calls for the Income-Tax. Yet many persons now living can recollect the time, when almost every man, except a clergyman or a dissenter, was accustomed to mingle his dis- | course with imprecations. At present scarcely anybody whatever in a | black coat, or a coat of any other cloth of a woollen texture, and ordinary boots, is in the habit of cursing and using bad ijanguage. That habit is nearly confined to the wearers of fustian and velveteen jackets, smockfrocks, nailed highlows, and ankle-jacks. In passing a group of these Third Class people at the corner of a street you too |often hear one or more of them pronounce words which cannot be quoted. Now the pronunciation of these words is unnecessary on | the speaker’s part, offensive as regards yourself, and revolting con- | sidered in relation to hearers of a tender age or gentle sex. Nobody }doubts the wickedness of this abuse of speech; though a few may possibly question" whether the First Day of the week is the Seventh. If, therefore, Lorp Rosert Grosvenor, Loap Exameoton, Mr. Witsow Patrey, and the other Sabbatarians, ist in or maintaining their Coercion Bills for obliging the common le to observe Sunday by fasting and abstinence, it may be expected that one jor more of them will call upon the House of Commons to take some - to pose swearing in the streets. - | Already there exists a law which renders any person guilty of swear- ing liable to be apprehended -& policeman, taken before a magistrate ‘and fined 5s. per profane oath. ‘This law has been lying dormant all that time during which the practice of indulging in execrations has been on the decline. ; Will Loxzp Ropert Grosvenor and his holy friends let the decline of bad language go on, or will they create a reaction in favour of blasphemy and foul-speaking by reviving the statute against swearing with additional penalties, and with provisions for being duly enforced ! If they do, of course these polite persons will take care that the act shall apply only to the unfashionable streets and places of public resort, lest the punishment designed to age the Whitechapel costermonger from ad ing his donkey sinfully, shall alight on the gentleman using a casual expression of a similar quality in Bond Street. It will then be for the House to consider, whether any person, who can speak good English, habitually employs improper expressions ; and whether the oy which the Saints unite to suppress would not be most —— put down by the education which the disunited Saints render impossible. At the same time, perhaps, Parliament will be pleased to inquire, whether the most promising way of getting the people to observe Sunday as the Hebrews observe Saturday, is not to provide them with adequate spiritual instruction—that is to say, with a simple index to those texts which enjoin that observance. MR. SPEAKER’S GLEE. Merrity to our work we go, With a hear, hear, hear! and a ho, ho, ho! We mingle our grave debates with chaff, And now a cheer, and anon a laugh ; We titter, and roar, and shout with glee, Hip, hip, hooray! and he, he, he! With War for the Order of the Day, We break forth in mirth as the donkeys bray, The talk is of slaughter, perhaps, and rout, Bat we cannot refrain from bursting out, Though the reason why may not appear, With a he, he, ho! a hear, hear, hear ! Let the question be whatsoever it will ; An Income-Tax Act, or a Sunday Bill ; Your House of C—mm— ns, always gay, Your money and liberty votes away ; With a gentle giggle, or loud guffaw, With a ha, he! or a baw, haw, haw! Puture Flags of Truce. It has been made known by the Czar to the English Government that, in fature, all lish Flags of Truce will be respected, if made of | Manchester cotton. By this concession, his Majesty would | wish to mark his sense of the Se Geen a Mrsens. | | Bricut and Coppey. Tue most Tunerut Cuoiz.~—A Quire, every Note of which is a Bank-Note. |

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vitor ———— a wae ee ia PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. RABELAIS IN THE CRIMEA. How Kasewats did consult Barpiecoose touching the prognostics of the War, and of the prognostics themselves, souGnTt in vain for a milched craw-fish for lunch, for the gentleman in waiting did assure me that such creatures he never beheld, and that they, like Lonp A—’s political talent, 7 Jeames’s power of speaking the trath, or the same individual’s humanity, were sim- ply fabulous. took a very light lunch off the brains of a Drum, washing it down with something Bright, albeit and not- withstanding it was not a Cobbler. A de- hate upon such a sup- per! quoth I (for no worse anathema could be found). Verily this diet is too light, and this drink too thin for an intellec-| a tual eater and drinker | like myself, A—— take the dis- honest and all the hambugs, if I will Lorp | not seek the great Baipiecoosr, and see whether out of his food that he giveth forth daily and weekly, I cannot get something that will keep me from starving on short Commons. As to banqueting on Lords may the great Duxs Humpury feed them with their own understanding ! So L went into the great palace of Ivx, in the which did live all manners of what some did call diaboli imprimatorum, the which did - spiked beforehand. Gunpowder blown up will hardly furnish cartridges to the enemy, nor will sunken ships be valuable prize-money. Shells and bombs will not be agreeable to those struck by them, nor will a | horse ride well with three lame legs. Granite will hardly prove as soft as a woolsack or as the milk of Jzames’s kindness; Emperors will not be more humble than they are obliged to be, nor will their merchants grow rich by the sinking of their vessels. Buildings set on fire will suffer from heat, and the Greek Calends will come when the Great Bear’s dispatches speak the truth. More men will fall, than bears be | slain for pomatum; those who run away will hardly do so without | pursuit; those who die for their country will gain more memory than medals, and those who were loved will be well wept for. | “ But, hearkye, ye worn-out, c high-dried grinners | on a monument, ye who gibe with skulls as empty as @ death's head, | without its lesson of mortality. Be s ¢ shall not grin at | suffering when ye suffer yourselves; be ye assured that life will not he longer than i for your sakes, and that the memory of the scoffer will not be had in reverence. Horse-collars will not be wanting for those who grin through them, soft Palms will forget dates, the moon wil! be I cafe from the wolves as long as it has no cabinet to guard it; monu- ments in an abbey will give a stone to those who gave the same when bread was wanted ; owls will sing sweetly when Lords talk wisely ; the weather will be talked about when it is convenient to forget other things, officers will give priienee when cease to forget; and the huge eat Nrwzopus and Jzames will make peace when honesty tells what it is impolite to tell a man he does, and when False- hood Kisses Truth for correction. Failure and success will not be identical, glory will be talked of when the weather ceases to be inte- | resting; other skulls will grin at the skulls of the Westminster | Yorick when they meet in the same quarter; and those who stand in | the pillory of the present day will scarcely be honoured hereafter.” | “PLAYING PEOPLE OUT.” | At the Panopticon, in Leicester Square, is one of the finest organs in the world. But, from a correspondence which has been published, it would appear, that whatever stops the instrument may have, the ror humana of the proprietary emits very objectionable noises. | Mr. Best, who has been acting as organist, and who has certainly made the organ discourse most eloquent music, complains of having | | their bellows to mend, they had better send their manners to undergo a work all day and all night, ever relieving each other, as they did com-| pose, set up, correct, return for revise, correct again, break up, work, machine, stereotype, work off, turn over at case, distribute, and the like, certain curious bits of lead, zinc, brass, copper, and the like, and did swallow up whole magazines of sheets of paper, whole heaps of copy, whole volleys of punctuation, insomuch that notes of interrogation came to an end, exclamations of indignation fell short, and all they could find were /ul/ stops about the great war and the Lords, and the geese which were in want of bridles. Over the which did rule the great Barptecoose, whom some did call Times, others Vers, others Press, and the like, for he had as many aliases as a thief at the Old Bailey, or a Lord’s funeral speech by the Garter King at Arms. And the said Batpvecoose did introduce to us, right courteously, his trusty Secretary, Dontoars, and he did yet more courteously present to us a very big, huge, ponderous, and right well written volume of prognostics, upon the which we did feed, and continue to feed right well. And as he that eateth to repletion lacketh not for food, even as he that hath more than enough hath what he may well spare, so it irks and ill becomes me that 1 pour not forth from the plenitude of the Holy Bottle of ink, by the which the wonderful prognostics were unfolded. ludite Quiriles! procul este profami! People, attend! Peace-pawn- brokers and Lordly-slop-sellers, out of the way ! “This year,” saith the prophetic chronicle, “ there will not be peace until the war is at an end; more men will not die than are killed, starved, or left to die, neither will horses live for the sake of learning how to live without eating. Lords who are foolish will not become wiser by remaining as they are, nor will the Great Bear be satisfied with a sore head if they will prevent him being hurt. Speeches will not make foolish speakers seem wise, nor will the listeners believe them so, unless it is worth their while; fools and folly will not be parted more than usual; old women, prime ministers, and children will remain old women, prime ministers and children; neither will people get meaning out of sound, figs off Thistles, wisdom out of Argyle Street, or honesty out of those who sell themselves. Garters will not be given till /egs are vacant ; fools will not rise by their own merits as long as they can by the reverse; promotion will be given to the undeserving only when deserving men are neglected ; aa discipline in the army will not be enforced by dancing in shirts, swallowing of candles, or the like, except when head-quarters think otherwise. ‘As to the war, walls will stand unless they are beaten down, guns will be taken if they are left behind, and the same will be useless if | been treated, by those who engaged his services, as an artist ought not to be treated ; and the first time the owners of the instrument send | similar reparatory operation. Not satisfied with Mr. Best’s scholarly exhibition of the varied powers of the grand organ, by the performance of a series of compo- | sitions to visitors who listen, the directors of the establishment call upon a gentleman and a musician to “‘ play the people out.” He is to | accompany the shuffling of feet, the racing down stairs, the calls of | parties to “ keep together,” the requests “not to shove,” the squabble | for canes, parasols, and umbrellas, and the recitative in which cabs are | summoned to the door. And when the last lounger is out, the gentle- man and musician may leave off. But this is not all. The direction | is good enough to select a composition fit to be applied to this noble | art-purpose—and they select Mexpgtssonn’s “ Bridal Chorus,” which, as everybody knows, is just the thing to be trampled to pieces by a | crowd of wearied sight-seers, anxious to escape. If the directors | could get a Rarwax., they would, in the same spirit, lay it down asa door-mat, for the greater Aone of their departing patrons. Ma. Best, having in vain remonstrated against the vulgarity, very properly resigns. He will not desecrate Menpetssony, and “play the people out.” If the Panopticon people conduct all their arrangements im this fashion, and without regard to what is due to art, the public, | which soon comprehends such things, will discover it. And then the next organist will have a very much harder task to attempt than “playing people out,” namely, that of «Playing them in.” The direetors have got a Novum Organum, and a noble one, but they need not therefore behave iike fat, Bacons. The Bitters of Repentance. Trese Bitters are taken generally the first thing in the morning, when a fast young gent(leman) wakes up with a bitter headache, and before he can eat his breakfast has to fly to gentian, quinine, absinthe, and such like bitters, or else rushes frantically into Bitter Beer. An “embittered existence” means the life that is eventually led by one who, for any length of time, has been in the habit of taking the above “ bitters.” PictortaL Companion 70 Launce anp n18 Doc.—Lance, and his Peacock. FLOWERS THAT ARE ALWAYS FALLING Ov¥.—Bachelor’s Buttons. BOTet ree ye scHads ecaupoaam at. i = | TS3SSRS s.¢

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its | ‘ill | at be ut ers ad, | vill | Se | nu- en the her the en ‘se- ite- ster | Mm sin 1, it ror inly | ring | not | end | 0 a ried | npo- call is to | s of bble pare | at le- tion oble hich, by a ‘tors very y the ents ublie, . the than The need ning , an nthe, An ry one above id his Jury 14, 1855.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 3 | PROPOSED NEW UNIFORM FOR THE POLICE, WITH LETTERS AND NUMBERS PROPERLY MARKED. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Ose ul duty has been done, not unpuasiely by Parliament this week. In compliance with an invitation from the Crown, provision bas been made for ifying the national sense of the character and er who has died at the head of the English “ Ornantes supremo funus honore.” July Ind, Monday. Lory St. Lzowann’s called the attention of the Lords to the Ticket of Leave System, which he described as havin worked very badly. Lorp Granvitzz, in ly, said that it h worked very well. Lorp Metvitzte and the Duxe or Camsnipee ex great anxiety that none of the Ticket of Leave Men should be allowed to enter the mili service, which was a profession of honour. There is much to be said, of course, both ways, but there might be a worse recruit than a reprieved Burglar, who would break into Sebas- topol, or a reprieved Smasher, who should take to smashing its defenders. {In the House of Commons, the Sabbatical homeopathist, Lorp Rosert Grosvenor, manifested an infinitesimal quantity of sense, by withdrawing the Sunday Trading Bill, as salastanti, however, as if he were a martyr making a sacrifice, instead of a muff retracting a blunder. It is difficult to say, who has behaved worst in connection with this bill ; the silly Lord, who ae mm in ; the timid Government, that was afrai to take one side or the ; the apathetic House of Commons, that did not thrust the bill from the th Id, which would have been (©r. Punch mentions for the benefit of certain ignorant writers for the Sunday press) to Eliminate it ; the unfaithful metropolitan members, who did not whip up the said House to its work ; or the police, who instead of battering the swell-mob and the stone-throwers, brutally beat inoffensive persons, children, and cripples. The whole business is especially dis- creditable, but the lesson may not prove useless, if it teach the Sab- arians, — are not to\begin religious teaching at the wrong end. You can may “ make people religious by Acts of Parliament,” aud Mr. Punch hopes to see the process carried out with the utmost vigour, but the Acts will not deprive poor people of their Sunday dinner. A set of Six Acts, ing the means of ordinary cleanliness, providing that in poor homes tenants’ eee shall not be sacrificed to udlords’ Avarice, providing cheap and wholesome education for the child, providing for the punishment of the parent who withholds it, pro- viding holidays, and places where such days may be rationally, yes, and comfortably 53 providing that Wages shall be paid twenty-four hours before the Day of Rest—that Sestett of Acts would go a very long way towards making people religious by Act of Parliament—the rather that such legislation would bring us up to a point at which the proteestonel Teacher of Religion could address the people, and feel that e was not mocking the victims of dirt, squalor, ignorance and misery, by calling on them to be decorous and devotional. Jn/erim, be it :ervices of the noble so army in the Crimea. VOL. XXIx. said, that Mr. Punch accepts with pleasure, but without the faintest blush on his fine countenance, the snow-storm of acknowledgments he io veseiving for his noble and philanthropic conduct in defeating the | anday Bill. The Educational prospects of the country, however, are not very | brilliant. On this Konday night, the Scottish Education Bill made | some little progress, and the Senators, deeply impressed with the | serious business on which they were engaged, roared and roared again | with laughter, because on one of the amendments the members were | equal; but Srx Jouw Paxryeton had to throw over his English bill, in | despair of getting attention for it this Session. However, Lonp Joun | Russert consoled him by promising, that the subject of Education should not entirely escape the consideration of Government. And thereupon the three bills with which Parliament has been playing,— namely, two Education Bills and a Free School Bill—were pitched out | of the House. Gaols, it would seem, are cheaper than Schools. tery Both Houses were occupied in the way mentioned in Mr. | Punch’ s first paragraph. SuaksreaRe felt that the effect of the most | solemn business was heightened by the artistic introduction of a bit of | contrasting chatter and absurdity, and Mr. Mitner Grason, recog- | | nising this truth in art, broke into the homage which the Commons | were rendering to a departed hero, with some petulant peace-monger’s trash, for which he received a stinging rebuke from Loup Patmerston who was probably not aware of the high art of the interruption, and | only saw in it a piece of low taste. Finally, Mr. Rica (Mr. Henry Drummonn’s little pig that squeaked because unable to get at the | conduit of natural diet), endeavouring to set forth certain notions about the army, was cruelly counted out, about dinner time. | Wednesday. The Commons got through some work without much unnecessary talking, and especially made progress with a useful Coal Mine« |nspection Bill. It seems necessary that there should be very | stringent control, by disinterested persons, over mines; and as minors are entitled to necessaries, it is to be hoped the bill will pass. Thursday. It would, of course, be too much to expect, that our Government, or the War-Minister, should be able to do a proper thing | properly, or without bungling attempts, and alterations. mD Pan- mMuRe announced, that he had reconsidered his plan for giving our soldier double pay, and investing half in the Savings Bank, and that he should pay him sixpence extra, as field allowance, and enable him to appropriate another sixpence for the benefit of his family. Lorp ELLenBoroven stated, that he was doing all in his power as a recruiting serjeant, for whenever he met. a man who looked as if he wanted advice, his Lordship told him, “to discard all worldly considerations and to | become a soldier, for the first of all professions was the military pro- fession, and the first of all rewards was military honour.” It was re- marked that the Bishops and Law Lords cheered this announcement with almost unseemly vociferation. | ‘The Commons went at the Nuisances Bill, and Lory Rosert Gros- vENoR actually had the egotism to speak on the subject. As a fitting chastisement for his personal vanity, the Hyde Park affair came up again, and Mr. Tom Duncomse brought forward a number of instances of the misconduct of the police, nearly all of which Str Gronce Grey refused to believe. The Tenants Compensation Bill. an Irish measure, was then discussed, the debate being only remarkable for the coarse language used by the majority of the Irish Members who spoke. Their provincial petulance and arrogance at last drew from Loup Pat- MERSTON a damaging castigation, whieh, by way of example, he laid across the shoulders of their grumb Corypheeus, Suez, an Irish lawyer of much vulgar volubility. The ier told this Suez, that he had be: the Government to take charge of the bill, but was doing all he could to impede its passing, in order to maintain a grievance which would be a good hustings’ cry. The House ectly under- standing that this really was the Irish game, appl the exposure, which so enraged Suze, that he poured out a whole flood of Billingsgate, and then defied Lonp Patmerstow to rebuke him again. To this Lorp Patmerston quietly observed, that he “certainly would be guilty of that presumption whenever he thought proper.” Punch has had to touch up his friend Pam on occasion, but never denied him the credit of having inherited from their mutual and lamented friend (whose son is just going to India in the office his father should have liv the art of dealing most efficiently with the “ Yelpers.” to retain) | There was then a renewal of a discussion, whether Members ought to | vote on questions without having been in the House—a mode of taking | things easy, which the Arrorney-GeneRAL and ot seemed to have been practising. The Speaker thought that they really ought not. Friday. The Lords discussed Lonp Densy’s plan for preventing family prayers. Lorp Suarressuky opposed it, and the Ancusisnor ov CanTeRBuRY, thinking that things are best as they are (a way of thinking popular with Axcua(sHors or CANTERBURY), also objected to it. The bil was therefore withdrawn. One can understand the noble Racer Dersy’s objection to seeing a Horse upon his knees, but cannot oe comprehend his having a similar objection in the case of a ristian. In the Commons a pledge was extorted from Six Georce Gaer, that he would institute a bond fide investigation into the conduct of the c

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(Jory 14, 1855. l4 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. police in the Pask, on the previous Sunday. In answer to the inti- ’ mation that there was a probability of antes Sleeueas on = CHAIR! CHAIR! following Sunday, a gentleman whose name, Mr. Su ing mercifu oi alate ol ane oe would suppress (only remarking that it sounds very like Geonce ! #2 following remarkable notice has been placed in our hands :-— Duwy’p Ass), suggested the very strong antidote of Siz-Pounders. —- He, however, afterwards qualified this suggestion, by saying he only ROYAL meant that he hoped Government would take every necessary pre- caution. Mr. Punch owns to blind, nay, abject devotion to the BOTANIC SOCIETY OF LONDON. aristocracy, both beraldic and pecuniary, but he is bound to say, that he would ulmost sooner see one of those dear old wrinkled, panies. NOTICE wigged hags of dowagers sent away from the Park gate, with her car- NO riages, flankeys, lapdogs, prayer-books, toadies, and all, than that her Numerous complaints having been nade to the Council, it is rejuested distinguished presence should occasion the spilling of plebeian blood. that uo Lady or Gentleman eccupy more than one CHAIR at a time. This may be a republican sentiment ; but J/r. Puncd’s tried loyalty, and By Onder of the Council, the confidence placed in him by his Sovereign, permit him to say bold J. DE C. SOWERBY things, from which the herd would shrink. June eh, 120. . F y well By way of closing the week in ; Gqgited wees, Loge cose Latta mer. 4 ait. >. tcsseL let out that he came home from Vienna wi ain rian . : a om ee for peace, which be and M. Drovry pe Lavrs thought _ We do not quite comprehend the connection between Chairs and the Allies ought to accept. The Governments of England and France Botany, nor do we see why complaints of the n of more than thought otherwise, so the Frenchman, having a nice sense one chair at a time,” should be forwarded to the | il of the Botanic resigned: but Loap Jown, being a little tougher, stayed im, and to Society. We have seem members of clubs occasionally occupying more vake all safe, roared for war like a good one. Now that the war is not than one chair, and we have sometimes been desirous of giving them a roing On prosperously, he reveals all this, being a remarkable nice little good setting down, drawing one chair from under them, and thus 1an for @ small Cabinet party. exemplifying the = 4 that “between two stools it is ible to fall to the ground.” Perhaps the chairs alluded to in the above notice are = Sas SS Conte and a one fey be pene by : a single individual, it is quite natural Council should issue a ST. STEPHEN’S COAST-GUARD. standing order for the purpose of iating the seats in fair propor- _ tions among the company. We thmk if any one presumes to put —————— new corps for the prevention his leg on a chair, the member should be at once unseated in a summary of smuggling should forth- manner. with be established, under <a aes the name, and discharging the duty, of the Parlia- NEW SHAKSPERIAN POINTS. mentary Preventive Corps. Last year the Sabbatarian, Waite Suaxsreare can hardly get a hearing in London, (except Beer Bill was smuggled when misquoted in the House of Commons), it is gratifying to find through both Houses, and that artist-minds in the provinces are devoted to the eliciting new Loxp RopertGaosvenon’s | “ points” out of his conceptions. Mr. Punch had the pleasure of supplementary measure | reading, a few days ago, a notice of a performance, at Shrewsbury, of would have been run in the the Merchant of Vemce. The critic, (whose admiration for the poet same manner this session renders him honourably unmindful of the humility of the theatre if a general hue and cry where the immortal play is presented) civilly hints to the principal actor had not been raised st as followeth :— the contrabandists. US| “ We would recommend him, the next time he essays Shylock, not to be so pugna- keep on the look-out ; for | cious, when making his final exit, as to strike Gratiano in the bowels. Shylock is not a an “ Act to facilitate Leases Clown, nor is Gratiano a Pantaloon. The Jew is a gentleman, and we may add, that it and Sales of Settled is not very likely he woald commit an assault in a Court of Justice, or add to the Estates” was, by the last indignity by spitting on his tormentor.” accounts, in the course of; Generally agreeing in the spirit of this censure, we think that the becoming law, which, if it | detail is open to argument. In criticising a great character, you must does become, it will enable | do so both analogically and synthetically. It is true that in regard to Str Tuomas Manryon | this particular mode of castigating Gratiano, SuaxsPeare has not left Witson, by means of an/a stage direction; but in Act 1., Scene 3, we find Shylock expressing a ex parte application to| wish to “catch dxtonio on the hip.” Now it is not unnatural to sup- Chaneery, without notice, pose that a malignant person, who, in cold blood, would cateh Axfonio on to obtain from a single the hip, would, when heated mto wrath, catch An/onio’s friend a wunner Jadge permission to enclose Hampstead Heath. This, at least, is the in the quarter indicated. That he should hit Gratiazo stead of his statement of “One of the Public,” writing to the Times. Metropolitan friend Axfonio, is a still more delicate Shaksperian subtlety, the whole Members, look alive, keep careful watch; ‘ware Sin Taomas WILsow play turning upon the sufferings a friend undergoes for the sake of his and a smuggled Hampstead Heath Enclosure Bill ! riend.

a. el i | Im reference to the expectorating point, we confess to a greater ° | difficulty, but consideration only shows — ly the actor in question | c 9 bas studied his autbor. In the scene to which we have already re- | cooks’ Voyages. ferred, Shylock reminds Antonio that the latter had spit upon Aim on Tae most remarkable of Cooks’ voyages is the voyage made to the the previous Wednesday. Now, as retaliation is the 4 to Shylock’ s Crimea by Soyer, the ex-cook of the Reform Club. His object is to character, we think that the idea of concluding his career by returning apply the culinary art to the provisions of war, and to enable the the Christian insult, is an inspiration as well as an expectoration, and soldiers to deal with their rations in a rational manner. According to does the utmost honour to the artist whose conception it is. In con- his own account his success has been considerable, and he has planted clusion, we are heartily glad to find that Shrewsbury clock keeps such

in the hospitals of Scutari several cooks, each of whom is suffictently a true Shaksperian time. | hero to enable hum to deal with a dat/erie (de cuisine), and to face the —— most tremendous fire. - le

Giving the Government Warning. SUNDAY FARE FOR RICH AND POOR, Rep bas always been a revolutionary colour; and we begin to suspect | Lorp Drives, at his Club, takes a delicate luncheon,— now, from what we have lately seen, that the Bonnet Rouge must have Bit. Sarre, in Hyde Park, has a bite of a truncheon.

them first to Revolution. The pressure was more than they could bear, The Pope in the Stocks. and so they burst the Government bonds. We leave the warning to “ Tus Pos hes,” it is gratefally stated, “consented to the essctica the reflection of our sagacious rulers. of a Stock Exchange at Bologna.” We hear too, that the holy father has offered to set up the young institution, (conditionally on its finding Query sy AN Insane Pourtico-Economist.—Is the Vessel of the its own bears and lame ducks) with some of his most disreputable bulls. State victualled with the provisions of Acts of Parliament ?

been bound round originally with Red Tape, and it was the fact of this | Red Tape pressing so heavily upon the heads of the people that drove |

| of he th | th ste | mi | ob)

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al Sewwer™ * ee ee | of speech—its powder | | | | mind, the utterance of any sueh folly; Nature having bounti Jury 14, 1855.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON THE SIX-POUNDER FOR LINLITHGOWSHIRE. Dunpas Duxpas declared that really, he hed meant neliiiag. His “ six-pounder” 7 uNDaS dec! 4 mean’ is “ six- ” was % och and. shot, @ flash im the pan and sugar-plums. We trust, however, when Duwpas the S:x-pounder shall again present itself for re-election, that the constituency of Linlithgowshire will duly spike the same. IT WILL NEVER ANSWER. We should like to know, how many persons now living and poo-poohing, with- out knowing anything about, the plan of Lorp Dunpowaxp, ean recoliect , | | themselves under similar circumstanees, im the same manner, with regard to gas steam * It is probable, however, that not one of them remem or can recal) to} y provided for his oblivion thereof, in order that the street lamps might not dazzle, and the loco- | motives might not hiss him into madness with disgust with himself for having spoken like a fool. Photography would have afforded a rare subject. of ridicule to | these wise men: but it became a success almost before they had time to predict that it would prove a failure. . : Lorp DvuxpowaLy’s invention may be a mistake ; but it may possibly, at least ‘a fact, and no mistake. Were it ever so much an unmistaken fact, would not every Ministry that ever governed this country, including the present, have resisted, nevertheless, and continue to resist, its adoption, as long as they had the shadow of an excuse for their ition, and a considerable time after even that | had vanished. If the surest device for blowing up St. Petersburg were to be dis- covered to-morrow, Downing Street, and the Horse Guards, and the Admiralty, would unite in swearing, probably in a profane manner, that it never would blow up St. eer - precisely as they, personally perhaps in several! instances, swore that gas would blow up London—an exploded notion, simply, on the part of the sharp fellows of the period. _Talk of Asettand and Hftoise !—was there ever constancy like that of the Veterans to Brown Bess ? Unjust people—who are numerous—mistrust the good faith of other people. Persons who are conceited as well, question the understanding of others also. They try all questions by their private feelings; their self-esteem doubts or disbelieves everything in advance of their own ideas, and their selfish cunning feels that it is safer for men of the world to run the greatest risk of opposing a truth on the shrewd side, than to entertain the least question of what may turn out a fallacy on that of the eredulous. We should certainly like to know, what Lory Dunpowatp’s plan is, before we unite with these gentlemen of “common sense,” in sneering at an invention which is capable of destroying Cronstadt for aught they can show— beyond their intuitive contempt. A NEW BRUSSELLS SPROUT. Tuz new Sprout, which has just made its appearance at Brussells, is of the very greenest kind, with not the least heart in it, and leaves so dirty that the hungriest pig would infallibly turn his nose up at them. What little taste it has is of the most offensive kind, and persons experience the greatest difficulty in swallowing it, though it is generally served up with plenty of Russian sauce, to make it go down. It is strange that Leoroxp, who, by right of his Claremont Estate, and its well supplied kitchen-garden, is the recognised Monarch of the Vegetable Kingdom, should allow such a very poor specimen of green-stuff to sprout in his capital, The name of this new Brusselis Sprout, we must not forget to state, is Le Nord ; though it matters but little what it has been ealled, for fortunately it does not grow CHARIVARL 15 SUNDAY. Lorp Pimuico Ma. Jonzs British Nobleman. ee British Tailor. _ Mr. J. Myx \ord, on Sunday, at your Club reclined, You chat and sip your claret, having dined. We snobs can get no beer; you swells, at ease, May drink as many ladies as you “ Lord P. Ha, Jones! a Saint—a jolly Saint to me— This licence — Aristocracy ; By Jove! I’ll burn wax candles at his shrine. k him! our Clubs keep open, and our wine A waiter, all day long, at call supplies. Mr. J. | hear that with less envy than surprise, aw starves on Sunday 5 a my ow an excursion bound, no refreshment anyhow obtain : ge Sees 5 SS, Bee le: not a drain ; The youngest nearly fainted by the way ! Por ing often this unhappy day, To my deaf ear, as from the British oak Did Mas. Gap and Mrs. Hannis croak. But we yy my lord, whom do ag r. Lord P. ity, you swppose, you people small, Is like our place, + surpliced 1 ams keep, In Pusey’s fold a flock of noble sheep : So geese with goslings ; great and little pig; You tailors so compare small fleas to big— But know Belgravia’s district caps Bow Bells’, High as St. Paul’s each neighb’ring church excels. ir. J. What in ia does your lordship see ? Lord P such as me,— I spoke, and smoke, Bill elosed the Tavern door, oy ig -—: lords; revel as before.” Mr. J. 3 wine in y—though no The bar my burning thirst to quench— You "Il ne’er be driven to quaff the road-side drench, Polluted by a close adjoining poo Fortunate Nob! there you ai enjoy the cool, At well-known windows, and the sparkling flow Of soda-water; or to sleep will go, Over some paper in a grave review; Or lounge watch the mob, and vulgar crew : Nor will the cabmen cease w to growl, Nor droughty artisans to groan and howl. Lord P. The riff-raff at the Carlton shall regale, The waiters shall deny the members alef; The Cossack drink the Thames, the Russ the Seine, Ere that Saint’s picture vanish from this brain. Mr. J. But hence we others to the thirsty sands Of Hampstead shall resort with vain demands ; Norwood, or Stratford by the Lea shall try, Or that quite insulated isle, Eel-pie. y . The There did that man of Whose i 1 i Say, whilst his Beer “py Ah! shail I ever on a Sunday more The foaming porter from the tankard pour ? Some long time hence enjoy my go of gin, Out in a quiet arbour of mine Inn ? Admire the bowling-green and gardens trim, Whence we ’re excluded by the Mawworms grim, Must we be govern’d by that canting crew ? See what fanaticism has brought us to ! There’s not a drop of beer to cool our throats, And these are they for whom we gave our votes! Fill high, my lord, your goblet of champagne, Go, my onee happy kids, athirst remain. No more I, seated in my cosy box, Shall see you play ’mid artificial rocks : No pipe to smoke: no glass of grog for me : In the meanwhile for you no shrimps and tea! Lord P. However, you can take a luncheon here, Upon a sandwich ; and they ll bring you beer. The butler says he has a decent tap. But now I say—pull out your list, old chap, I want a Court dress pair of satin smalls : How much expense on high position falls ! : ; Literary IstTeLuicence.—We are requested to state, very fast in public estimation, and must soon be extinct, as it has taken no root that there is no truth in the report, that Ma. Grapsrowe | whatever in the soil of journalism. has been appointed Editor of the [nvalide Russe. ECLOGUE (SOME WAY) AFTER VIRGIL. Fortunate Nob: with Sunday Clubroom free, beer to me hic ate ott ioe alll = Pn Ree I GR See a or vy We ere ay

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THE NEW PURCHASE. “Tere, Frank. Isy’t sue A Prepry Creature? Para cave HER To ME THIs Morsinc— Blanche (who dotes upon horses). Sue 18 so Goop TEMPERED! AND WHAT A NICE HEAD AND NECK SHE HAS! Hasy’t sHe NOW? SuB’s QUITE YOUNG TOO—AND SUCH A BeauTIvUL Moura! —Now, wat po rou say, Sta, zo ?—” Frank (who is 0 absurd). “H’«! Let’s sexy. Pretry Creature '—Goop remrerep'—Nicze HEAD AND NECK '—Younc !—Anp A BeEauTIruUL Moura !—Wuy, I say, you make a Capitat Parr!” LATEST BY TELEGRAPH. _ Iv is searcely necessary to state, that we take the following adver- | tisement from the second column of the Zimes. The sceptical may tind it by referring to the paper of the 16th instant. T° HS., FROM THE CRIMEA. The BOX was Recerven by the telegraph. If the advertiser will apply to the Society of Arts, it is possible he/| may hear of something to his advantage. The quick transmission of | packages may be counted with the chief desiderata of the age, and here | we find a person publicly announcing, that he has had one sent by} telegraph! it is scarcely clear, from the wording of his statement, whether the box was received “ from the Crimea: ” but im making extraordinary a revelation a little indistinctness is both natural and pardonable. The mere fact of a box having been sent by | all is surely quite enough to startle the scientific world, and we fore leave our savants to confer with the advertiser, and make the , | most they can of his discovery. ee | Justice at the Footlights. Puncu is happy to state, that the example of Mr. Bucxstong, of the | Haymarket Theatre, who has liberally revived the old custom of an “ Author’s Night” (a night when a drama is performed for the benefit of the person who invented it) is about to bemitated by all his brother | Managers. They are going to give — to their Authors, and by way of making their generosity gracefully complete, French steamers have been chartered to bring over the dénéficiares. “A LITTLE WHITE FLAG.” Ir was to be expected that the Russian officer in command at Hango would justify the murder and eapuure of the men of the Cossack. There- fore, the Russian Government is assured that the Flag of Truce hoisted on the oecasion was “ only a little white flag on a stick.” Well, it was a white flag: even the Russian officer does not deny that fact. The | question would seem to be, in the Russian mind, the dimensions of a Flag of Truce. How many yards of white bunting or linen constitute the sanetity of such a flag? “The crew-of Ligurenant Geneste’s boat ’—says the Russian poltroon—“ was eaught in their own trap.” Since the wolf in the fable devoured the lamb for muddying the there has never been put forth so atrocious an excuse for atrocity committed, as by this Russian bear in command at Hango. A Fruity Joke. Tue following joke, which has been bottled up for an entire week, may be pronounced on the whole rather fruity :— An amateur of music (who is also a wag) remarked the other day, with reference to some strawberries on the table, “that he (the wag) would enjoy a pottle of strawberries all to himself, inasmuch as it would be a musical as well as a festive treat, for it would in fact be a Solo on the Hautboy.” COMBINATION OF TOWN AND COUNTRY. Tue Ricut Hoy. W. E. Grapstoxz, when he is in London, is ! spoken of by his servants (all reduced Undergraduates) as the “ Russ | in Urbe.”

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rot 7 j i itr f | + = : ‘ ————S eee — \ OPENING OF THE a I CRYSTAL PALACE Smet i ae BRITISH MUSEUM IHU === FORTHE PUBLIC ———_— 7 lly" = | A GENERAL MEETING “ie oa — Sp SUNDAYS: ee _ = — - = = a - _— PURITANS’ PENANCE. i a mt

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a Sy rt Re EI sae ad

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at ac PUNCH, A MODES? YOUNG GENTLEMAN, UNCH considers that the fol- lowmg advertisement offers an eligible opportunity to such young ladies of ample means, engaging appear- ance, and suitable education, as may find themselves left on hand with the damaged muslins and faded bonnets at the fag end of the season :— \ ATRIMONY.—AY oung - Gentleman, studying for one of the Professions, but whose limited means prevent him from completing, except in a tedious and unsatisfactory manner, is de- sirous of meeting with a Young Lady of some fortune, a moderate share of good looks, well educa- ted, and in every respect fitted to become a good and affectionate partner. References will be ex- changed, and all information communicated to bond fide parties, by addressing free, to No. 268, N.B.A.O., Edinburgh. Many men look to mar riage, we all know, as a means of support; but it is beginning rather early to advertise for a wife, for the purpose of appropriating her fortune to the prosecution of professional studies. We shall not be surprised to | find the principle carried still further out; and we may expect to meet with an advertisement from some still younger gentleman than the | young one mentioned above, who may be in want of a wife to pay his school bills, or send him to Eton or Westminster. As these young persons may be unable to frame a paragraph for themselves, we suggest the following as a model : \ ATRIMONY AND SCHOOLING.—A very young Gentleman, who + is at present attending a Sunday School, but who would preter going to Eton with a view to the University and the Chareh or the Bar; but whose means, derived from his father’s fishstall, prevent him from carrying out his views, or indeed from carrying out anything, but shrimps and periwinkles, is desirous of meeting with a Young Lady | af good fortune, good looks, and good education, with a view to making her his wife, subjeet to his refusal of her at a fitting time, when in the absence of a more eligible candidate she will have the preference. Keferences, and indeed anything the young lady happens to possess, will be exchanged, and other information may be obtained at | the crossing at the bottom of the Haymarket, where several young geotlemen are in attendance, but where the Advertiser will reverse his broom as a signal te any young lady who flourishes her pocket handkerchief. N.B. No old Maid need apply. A CARD. Mr. Powcn presents his compliments to Mr. Tire, M.P., and begs to lay before him a practical plan of Administrative Reform. Mr, Punch proposes, that a certain sum, say a million, or a million and a half, | should be set aside annually, for the purpose of establishing sinecure places, varying in value from 100/. to 1000/.a year, or upwards. He also proposes, that the patronage of these sinecure offices should be vested in Whig noblemen, the Aristocracy iu general, and, in fact, all the most distinguished jobbers in the country. As a slight return Mr. Punch respectfully hopes that the holders of these simecures anc their patrons will refrain from thrusting their dirty fingers into the great national pie, but will rest satisfied with what they have got, and let the Army, Navy, &c., alone. fr. Punch is not a turncoat ; but he is constrained to avow, that his former opinions with respect to Sine- cures were erroneous, recent events having proved what a safety-valve to jobbery sinecures have ever been. Selfish Exultation. “ Mr. Newpecate, M.P., is at Brussells.” —The Express. Hooray ! ! ! ial foes 3 No. Nostra culpa! We retract that cheer. Why, in delight at our own advantages should we mock the misfortune of others? What has Brussells done to ws. Once more, we retract that cheer. A More than Probable Turn. You may depend upon it, there is something on the move, when our dear mother-in-law makes her appearance in the house about July or August; and sure enough the move is generally with her poor suffering daughter and ailing children in the direction of the seaside. ORK THE LONDON CHARIVARL 19 JACK AND LADY NANCY. A VULGAR SONG BY A COMMON SEAMAN. The Lady N y was knocked together in a night, the Stromboli towed her a she was found seaworthy in every particular, and she went in and Taganrog.—See the Times, July 2nd. jundred miles burned O saw till you’re frantic of wessels gigantic, With hundreds of guns and with thousands of crew, Jacx’s want’s of the oddest, a wessel so modest As just does the work as he wants her to do. He doesn’t condemn none, your big Agamemnon, Your Dukes and your Alberts, as long as a street ; They ’re mighty imposing, but when he’s for closing, A taught Lady Nancy is worth the whole fleet. She aint no great sight for the lubbers wot write, She aint no “ Sea-Castle wot frowns on the brine,” It might be like flattery to praise her “ black battery,” Or christen her “ Majesty’s symbol and sign :” She doesn’t come “looming” hke one as “speaks dooming,” To “erush into atoms each foe she may meet,” But if foes you ’d be beating as won’? give the meeting, Our taught Lady Neacy is worth the whole ficet. No gab about Netson when down went der kelson, No “eminent shipwrights” swug toasts in champagne, No Miss in white flouneing her name were announcing As Nancy splash’d down to “her home on the main.” She worn’t noways “ graceful,” nor “streamer’d out tasteful,” “ Like a Swan on the Waters a-taking her seat,” But for roughish swan-hopping, where rifles is popping, Our taught Lady Nancy is worth the whole feet When your blessed “ Leviathan” couldn’t come nigher than Three or four mile from the towns as you’d win; Then in come our Nancy, as pat as your fancy, And blow’d ’em to blazes as neat as a pin. And as for your gun-boats, (as some folks calls bomb-boats,) _ Wot use is inwentions as draws all them feet ? For cannons and mortars wot dances the waters, Our taught Lady Naacy is worth the whole fleet. We know’d wot we wanted, materials was granted, _ We knock’d her together as quick as we could, The Strongbelly tow’d her, we sail’d and we row’d her And there ’s werry fine ashes where Taganrog stood. I axes your pardon, and wagers a farden, (But hopes no offence to the nobs and Heleet,) That more towns of old Bruin’s would now be in ruins, If you’d more Lady Hens in Her Masesty’s fleet. A PROPOSAL TO LORD DUNDONALD. My pear Lory Duwponaxp, [ wave read all your’ letters on the subject of your plan for making short work of this horrible war with the greatest interest. The followimg passage occurs im your last, with reference to Lorn Pat- MERSTON’S redtapeism of calling that plan a “scheme,” and stating that the Government were not “ prepared” to carry it into execution :— “ But I protest against the term scheme being substituted for plan, as a misrepresen- tation of facts, which, if divulged, would admit of no doubt, and which would be divulged in my own justification, were not such a course manifestly objectionable, whilst our Government entertain the resolution not to avail themselves of means the most speedy and effective in the prosecution of war.” Are you quite sure, my dear Lord, that it would be objectionable to divulge the facts to which your Lordship alludes? The question is, whether, in case your plan were divulged, and its practicability were self-evident, the Government would yield to public opinion and adopt it, —_ the Russians could jump at it, and blow us all out of the water Would your Lordship have any objection to explain your plan to a commission of scientific men, with whose report on it the country would be satisfied, in case I, or the Proprietary of any other leading Journal, should endeavour to supply the deficiency of Government by constituting and appointing a body of engineers, chemists, and others, wary acknowledged and recognised ability to pronounce upon the subject ° A SHORT CUT TO METAPHYSICS, Wat is Matter ?—Never mind. W hat is Mind ?—No matter. ga me ee mmentm

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Jery 14, 1855. farther advise the prisoner to keep quiet, and not to shake his fist at om witness. By such conduct the prisoner will certainly not benefit is Case. Op Tie proceeded. He had long put up with the ill-conduct of the prisoner, but of late the persecution intolerable. Here Mr. | Otp Time showed an hour-glass,—and observed that in consequence of | words, the san | and keen a blade as any man might mow seconds, minutes, hours, ponenes at the bar has a the wishy-washy sentences of the prisoner, with his drizzling showers of in the hour-glass had become so damp and clogged togemer, Sat, let the glass be a. as _o. the sand woul i run sparklingly, as was its wont In a fine, sunn atmosphere. e witness further exhibited a scythe; and ealled the attention of the worthy magistrate to the jagged condition of its edge. “Yes, your worship,” said True, with some emotion, “it was in general as nice s and heavyy—and now look at it. “The ' lutely talked all these notehes in it. And 1e will do it, and while he goes on talking, you can’t think how tough a job he makes it to get through an hour or two.” Magistrate. Have you any further complaint against the prisoner ? Otp Trg. Why, yes, your worship, I should think I had. Twice within this last fortnight has the prisoner at the bar beat me so cruelly and years with—light | about the skull with an Irish shillelah, a weapom loaded with lead, and | Srstuorre, and others—but when our re cut from the groves, not of Blarney, but of Maynooth, that I know not whether I’m on my head or my heels. What’s more, the prisoner isn’t content to ill-use me himself, but he sets on a score more folks to clog up my sand and notch my scythe. The worthy Magistrate asked the prisoner, what he had to say in his defence ? a oo began i Ma ote vy pene — . , IME, whipping up his hour-glass, taking the over his shoulder, rushed out of the court. He merely eiiceved, tat he would leave his case in the hands of Pusiic Ortrsioy. Pustic Opryion observed, he did not wish to press severely upon | the prisoner, but said he must ask for bail to protect OLp Time against a repetition of such assaults for the future. The prisoner sent for several friends—Mn. Newprecats, CoLone. - Ww rter left the court no bail had arrived. At that time, it just wanted ten minutes of the Van, and || Otp Tre was seen looking round the corner, with a jocund eye upon :| his bour-glass. PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE. “T have seen the ambitious Ocean swell.” Julius Caesar, Act i., Scene 3. CRUEL ASSAULT ON A VERY OLD GENTLEMAN. Yestexpay, Ricuarp Srooner—who gave his addresses 9, Man- | chester-buildings, Carlton Club, and Birmingham—was charged at Bow-street with a series of cruel attacks upon an extremely ancient and venerably green old | ae who gave his name—Cunronos; vulgarly known as Orp Time. The accused refused all legal assist- , ance, although his friends had, in the kindest manner, ensured the valuable services of Ma. Parry. | ladies. Mr. Pustic Orryton said, that he appeared with great pain against the prisoner, a person who had certainly moved—no, he could not say | moved, for move, at least forward, he would not, but who stood still— in a respectable circle of society ; but there were human interests call- ing for protection, and, however painful to himself, he must press the | charge against the prisoner, whose repeated attacks upon Mr. Curonos, otherwise Op Trwe, had of late become past all human endurance. | It was not to be thought of, that so respectable an individual as Or | Tie—a person so valuable, nay so vital to the interests of society—| should be left at the mercy of the prisoner, especially as the offender had so frequently shown himself incapable of any consideration of the venerable complainant. Mr. Curonos, alias Oty Trae, here stood forward. He said that, for many, many years he bad been more or less abused in public by the prisoner, Of laie, however, the conduct of the prisoner had beeome outrageous. The complainant said, he should not so much mind being | killed outright. There were, he knew, thousands of well-to-do people of both sexes in London who had no other thought than to kill him, to which end they so often fired at him, though in vain, with gold and silver bullets,—but to be droned, mumbled to death, was past all bearing, and (here the venerable witness became a little excited)—and by Styx he | would not stand it! Here the prisoner, with the coolest and most confident air, begged to | call the attention of the Magistrate to the conduct of the witness. He had sworn, and swearing was fineable. The prisoner (who had no other motive, he said, than that of public morality) hoped that his worship would inflict the tine of five shillings. Maaistrate fo Complainant, Proceed with your statement. I would OUR FUTURE CONTEMPORARIES. Ir is with feelings of pride mingled with no little pleasure that we notice the growing he of our respected Beadle. It is of a light straw colour, not altogether unlike tow, only much siikierin its app As the he is not more than two weeks’ old, it would be rather premature as yet to judge of the effect, but when it has attained its full growth, we candidly think that it will add materially to the aspect of our worthy functionary. We regret to state, however, that the boys of the neighbour- hood do not treat the improvement with that marked respect, which an old constituted authority, like the Beadle, is proudly entitled to, but our regret is agreeably lessened _— philosophic reflection, that boys at all times will be boys.— The Pentonville Penny wt. On Tharsday last, as Mas. Caocuet’s Seminary for Young Ladies was pass'ng the Rev. De. Swircn Kaye's Academy for Young Gentlemen, we noticed that some of the elder boys (who, judging from their straps and stand-up collars, were certaialy of an age to know better) laughed, made faces, and winked at the tallest of the young Such conduct in the high road is, to say the very least, highly reprehensible and extremely indecorous, and we hope that the young offenders received, when they returned to Aama-Vincuque Hovse, that s*'tary punishment which their shameless behaviour so glaringly deserved.— The Hamucrsmith Fly and Brentford Bluebottle. If the Thames could be cleaned there is but little doubt that it would soon be crowded, as in the days of our Saxon ancestors, with fish of all sorts. Let the water be as pure as it was two thousand years ago, and we should in all probability be able to venture out to Lambeth pier, catch our salmon, or young trout, and return home to have it cooked for breakfast.—Joun Brown's Political and Literary Ha'porth of All Sorts. What are all the flags of Europe but so many pieces of bunting, stained in iniquit of every possible dye? We value them at so low a figure, our own Flag not comntel, that we shoald be sorry to give a new cotton poeket-handkerehief in exchange for any one of them.— The Manchester Gridiron and Salford Pepper Boz. Kitchen Stuff has risen within the last week as much asa halfpenny a pound, and we have been informed of one transaction alone, at Pimlico, by which the lucky holder cleared not less than three and twopence, and this was exclusive of silver spoons!—The | | Cook's Oracle for Belgravia and Seven Adjoining Parishes. When will the superior classes think of encouraging our native products? Is it not a shame to our pampered aristocracy, that our celebrated Chelsea Bun is not more patronised than it is ?— The Battersea Battle-aze and Chelsea Penny Trumpet of Universat F eedom. Ten Shillings Reward have been offered for the discovery of the misereant, who pla- carded the Reveaenp Ma. Love Birp’s Chapel of Comfo Ease all over with the bills of the Dying Swan Saloon, announcing amongst other profane monstrosities, that Mn. Jouw Coores would sing the “ 2 her's Daughter” b — The Clapham Whitechoker (Edited by Janzz Pucxsyirr, Esq.) A Ship that Ought to be Put Under a Glass Shade. WE see, and we never should have believed it unless we had seen it, that there is a transport of the name of the Earl of Aberdeen. The | discovery fairly took us by surprise, as we did not know that in the English mind the name of ApeRpgEN had ever given rise before to a single ¢ransport. ! |

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‘ing like eks’ t of our- many the e of y of ung sible they less ded, pure ture re it uit pted, any | rider tnot | more | ersal | pla- h the that | pham n it, the | toa! PUNCH, OR THE LO Jury 14, 1855.) NDON CHARIVARI. a LONG CLOTHES EXTRAORDINARY. O improve the human form, in the ab- —_ stract, may or may not have been the glory of the Greek seulp- tors. It is that of a modern ar- tist im another material than marble. The Morning Post contains the fal- lowing advertise- ment :— af oles } . HE Ewmprese’s Juve. — Mus. —— invites the at- tention of ladies to her new Perricoats; they add grace and elegance to the figure, and have met = with universal admi- Tation, We should m= think so; nay, if — the petticoats > simply allowed =the grace and “ eleganee of the figure to be quite visible, without any addition, we should expect that the admiration with which they would meet would be completely catholic; and although we have not the privilege of be- longing to the gentle sex, we would run some distance on the hottest day, to devote that attention which Mas. Wuat’s-eR-NAME invites, on the part of the ladies, to her new Petticoats, in which Mas. W. very likely exhibits at least all the symmetry of the Medicean Vunvs. “Somz Prorie’s Gexss are ALways Sways.” MRS. GRUNDY’S ADMINISTRATIVE REFORM. Mrs. Gaunpy is about to set her house in order. So, after it has been ly cleaned, and painted, and papered from top to bottom, Seg: , of course, Mz. Grunpy is to pay for), she is resolved, once and or all, upon having quite a new system of things established and main- tained in her establishment. She will no longer allow ber house to be the scandal of the neighbourhood. ‘The following are a few of the Reforms she has set her heart upon :— I. The door to be closed every night at eleven. Il. The mistress of the house to have the exclusive hirmg of the servants. ILf. Nothing but cheese for supper! IV. No more breakfasting in the bed-room—whether a person is ill or not! V. No more soda-water to be sent for early in the morning! VI. The Page to be exchanged for a Footman. VIL. The Footman to be not less than five feet six, and in livery of course. VIII. The children’s dresses no longer to be paid for out of the house- keeping-money. TX. Nothing hot to be brought up from the servants’ dinner for luncheon in the parlour—not for anybody! no matter who he may be! X. The breakfast things to be taken away every morning precisely as the clock strikes nine. XI. The Cook before going to bed to bring up, every night, th key of the r. XIT. The ecribbage- to be locked up on Sundays. XIII. No whistling allowed in the drawing-room. XIV. No invitations to be henceforth accepted, unless the name of Mus. Gruwpy is included in them. XV. Mr. Gxunpr, for the future, to pay for his own washing. XVL. All letters to be opened by Mus. G., for Mz. Gaunpy should have, and moreover he says he has, no secrets from his wife —and if there are secrets im those letters, hie cannot object to her sharing them with him. As soon as the above Reforms are carried, others of a still more stringent nature are contemplated. GROSS ATTEMPT AT IMPOSITION ON MEDICAL MEN. | Tere are plenty of Members of the Medical Profession who would only be too happy to pay the aggravated Income Tax, or any Income Tax that left them any Income. Thanks to Mr. Hrapiam, Mr. Baapy, and Ma. Caavrurp, those individuals stand a very fair chance of being subjected to an additional impost, This, however, will not be exactly an Income Tax. One condition, necessary to the constitution of that tax, will be absent from this. In order to be liable to it, there will be no necessity that the subject should possess any income at all. | The happy medical man will, if Mr. Heaptam and his accomplices suceeed in their design, be fined 20s. for the mere permission to con- tinue attempting to earn bis bread. ese men have brought in a bill “to alter and amend the law regulating the Medical Profession,” of | which one clause enacts, that all in lawful practice before the first day of November next, shall be registered, on having their pockets vicked of one pound, After that date the robbery is to amount to Ten — ps: and without subwitting to this spoliation, they will be unable to recover their charges, di : from holding appointments, and accounted guilty of a misdemeanour in practising their profession. War time—prices rising—likely to rise higher! How fervently the Poor Law Union Medical , counting bis pie by several thousands, and his salary by very few tens, with a deduction for medicine supplied, will bless Ma. HeapiaM and his confederates, for extracting one more hardly-earned sovereign from his poeket next November, in case the plant, or scheme of abstraction, which they have planned, should prosper! What benisons will Poor-Law Pixean.ic’s wife invoke upon the bead of HeapuaM, by reason of the winter bonnet diverted, in the 1 of her husband’s registration fee, from her own! Take one pound from a pauper medical practitioner's income—you can’t, as the schoolboys say: one from nought ; but Heapiam and Co. propose to work out the sum November: when it will be, one from t you can’t, one from ten, nine, and carry one: and the one “carried” will be added to the nine, to make ten—the figure, in pounds, at which the medico-chirurgieal starveling who has forgotten, or has been unable, to register himself at the comparatively petty- _larcenous imposition of 20s. will then be plundered. Why this.eyormous medical eonmfiseation? To provide oil, it would seem, for greasing the tremendous machinery which will be created by the proposed bill: a Medies) Council conjointly organised by the united Colleges otipaeane sas Seaaens ie ited universities of the U aited Kingdom, the Secretary(of State. This grand Council is to appoint examiners im the three capitals, “to examine candidates for medical diplomas, preliminarily,” in classics, the exact sciences, and general literature. Under the latter head, of eourse, the pages of Punch will be included—but if, a little more than:me@entury ago, it had been neces- sary for Surgeons to have been thusemamined “preliminarily ;” if, in short, the had been rendered illustrious by Ma. Hania, would it have had the advantage of possessimg unclassical Mx. Howren ? The former philosopher, we find, s, that while “ Sur- geons ” must be 22 years of age, the age of “ Physicians” shall be 26. Surely this wise man likewise propose, that general practitioners, inasmuch as they act in both eapacities shal! be 22 plus 26, or 48. We though, moreover, that the said Huwrex, and sub- sequently another individual of the same sort, one Asernetuy, had overthrown the distinction between the scienee of “Surgery,” and that of “ Medicine” assumed in the bill of that very different sort of individual, the said HzapiaM. [f, instead of harassing and plaguing medical men with fines, for- feitures, and vexatious formalities, Mr. Heapiam would devote his legislative abilities to the suppression of the traflic in patent medicines, he might serve both the Profession and the Public, by diminishing starvation in the former, and poisoning among the latter. But the tendency of his bill is to facilitate the sale of stamped species by im- | peding the legitimate practice of physic. By the bye, is Ma. HeapLam the proprietor of any popular remedy? Is Heaviam the man, and Hoioway merely an alias? An Extraordinary Question. ‘Tux Morning Chronicle of the 7th inst. puts the following extra- | ordinary question :— What is the use of a Bishop? To this Mr. Punch readily makes answer—the use of a Bishop is to illustrate in the flesh the Christian virtues of humility and self-denial at a various ineome, ranging from three to ten thousand pounds per annum. Moreover, there can be no doubt that all this is done, and very | well done, at the money. | Tue Orp “Favourite.” — Over jocular Premier owns himself | ambitious to havea Name on the Turf. Would he like one which was | rather famous there in its day, and which would seem just to suit him? What does he say to Gasy Momus? : st | — =. oR ee

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— — -! PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. {Jory 14; 1855. DE BELLO CIVILI. It is sometimes said, that civility costs nothing, but it would seem that the civility of the Civil Service in civilly waiting to have justice done to them in the matter of sw muation may cost a great deal. Every eivil servant with a salary above one hundred a year, has five per cent. | taken from him to meet a claim for retired allow- ances, which it is said that one per cent. would fully satisfy. Several successive Chancellors of the Exchequer have acknowledged the injustice of this arrangement, and promised a remedy ; but this promise has not yet been fulfilled. So gross ~. is the injustice ot the tax, that the “ opposition ” > offered to do the civil thing to the Civil Service, if the Government neglected it, and an indepen- dent member also pledged himself to introduce a measure on the subject; but, as it happens to be everybody’s business, it shares the fate of nobody's business, and is not done at all. Every civil servant appointed since a certain date is paying twelve pounds out of oy hundred by way of income tax, or rather he is getting eighty-eight instead of every hundred pounds he is supposed to receive. It las generally been thought a capital joke to victimise a recipient of the public money, and to talk of “bloated officials,” of whom certain clerks at Somerset :¢ House, with some half-dozen children and in- comes varying from eighty to two hundred and fifty pounds per annum, are not very obese speci- mens; but though the public may have its laugh, the CHANCELLOR oy THe ExcHeqver should take care that the Civil Service when smarting under an admitted hardship should not find its ery in vain. — > A HOMC@OPATHIC SUNDAY. Lorp Rozsert Grosvenor is, it is well known, a homeeopathist. Doubtlessly, it is in this cha- racter that he would wish to give the people a homeopathic Sanday? He would administer to them infinitesimal doses of recreation; the | smallest globules of pleasure, mixed up with | % brimming pailsfol of abstinence and privation. Wj He would have them limited, if he could, to the =—= billionth part of a ride in an omni with the wes 500,000th part of a dram of a glass of ale, and i the j% of the crumb of a sandwich, by way of : refreshment ; not a scruple of anything excepting religious scruples, and as many of those as you 2 like—the scruples being against shaving, reading, dining (unless you have a French cook to dress your dinner for you at home), eating, drinking, (except you have a good cellar and larder in your own house, or belong to a club), and against all rational and innocent forms of amusement in general. We doubt, however, if this Hahne- | mannising the British Public would have been | exactly humanising them, or would have put them | into the most fitting humour for going to church. La | BATTLE OF THE HYDE PARK. We axe Unda ‘thal wate 8 poe ibe wih s | ™ um : hungry stomach would have wished that homeo- GaLLaNt anp Dartna: Act or Parvate Lozss (or THE CRusuERs), WwHo, BY HIMsetr, pathy ad never been applied to polities : and Srormep AN OLD TREE, AND VERY NEARLY CaprureD Turee Saact Bors. in his anger would have inveighed bitterly aah = ———————————— Lorp Rosert for being such an exceedingly homceopathic legislator. Infallible Cure for a Short Sight. : r | ‘Tere sudden acquisition of a large fortune is the best cure. It has been known to cure : | persons of short-sightedness in a minute, upon whom all other experiments had failed. It peace and War, by Lord John Russell. i will bring a person (a poor relation, for enone iyo pend forward, making him, and his sate J I merits even, eminently conspicuous, whereas both had ay been for years quite) We understand, that it is the intention of +} invisible to the naked eye. Ht extends one’s views wonderfully ; and, strengthened with an Lorp Jomn Russex1’s constituents to solicit him aid of such wonderful power, the eye will carry to any distance, and has actually been known to sit, for a double portrait of Peace and War, y before now to bring home a Kich Uncle all the way from India. to Sr Epwis Laypszzr. ‘The noble Lord, in | &| rs ; eee imitation of the picture of Death and the Lady, | ¢ | will be duly divided. One half of him will appear | “BaPPpy LAND” (FOR DEBTORS). | in the uniform of a British Life Guardsman, and | Aw Insolvent Contributor, after reading the recent reports of snecesses in the Sea of the other in the simple, buttonless dress of an | Azoff, says that, ualike Horace, he both wonders at and envies the Allied Fleet, for the more | olive-bearing friend. Joseru —— _ Straits it gets into, the brighter are its prospects. | has offered the loan of his drab beaver. or, Vietoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. John, Westminster, both vn, and Published by them at No. %, treet, in the Parish of St. Bride, ix Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 12, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No in the County of Middlesex. Printers, at their Odice in Lombard Street, in the Precimet of Wtucefriars, in the City of Loo the City of Londoa.—Saruaoar, July M, 199.

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° & a 7" Bi > ? ¥ = Ds “" ? 6 _ ® 5 rf Jury 21, 1855.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 23 | “I reLe rer waHat, Brit, I rarnk tHe Potice arg a BaD Lot—anbD } I WISH THEY WAS DONE AWAY WITH ALTOGETHER.” PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. July 9th, Monday. Lory Denxsy hinted to the Lords that the season was nearly over, people were going out of town, and therefore that it would be as well not to bother themselves with more business than | could be helped. On this hint Lory Lyypuvnst threw over an Oath | of Abjuration Bill, though ‘he thought that the continuing the oath which he wished to get rid of was “an act of impiety,” and Logp Wincuetsea resigned the of an onslaught upon the Roman Catholic Prelates, who, as he thought, and thought very rightly, had been most improperly described in the Maynooth report by their ridiculous ecclesiastical titles. The Accidents on Railways Bill passed, with a characteristic protest from Lorp St. Leonarps against viola- | ting the rights of property by protecting people’s lives. In the Commons, 81k Bexsamin Hatt abandoned the Public Health | Bill, despairing of getting it so late in the session. Srz Cuares | Woop explained that a certain bombardment of Old Town, at Calabar, on the African Deas, Her Masesty’s ship Antelope, had been a sort of Public Health Measure for that locality, for the African chiefs were in the unpleasant habit of poisoning their subjects, so the mission- aries had begged for a brief discourse from the mouths of our guns against the practice. Lorp Patmerston promised that all the cor- respondence on the proposal which had been approved by the Austrian Count Jonn Russe1t, should be produced, and he fulfilled his promise on the Thursday following. There was a good deal of talk about the window-breaking on the previous day. The impression was, that the police were sulky because complaint had been made of the brutality displayed by some of their number in the park, and that they had ahstained from energetic interference with the window-breakers. Sia Speses Grey promised that “next time” every precaution should be taken. Mr. Watrer then referred to Proresson Farapay’s call upon Father Thames, with whom the eminent philosopher had left his card, (as set forth in Mr. Punch’s cartoon this week), and of whom Mr. Farapay gave a most hideous account. Mz. Wattrer asked whether any plan had been decided on by Government for diverting the sewage of the metropolis away from the river, which it now poisoned. Six BensaMIN L said, that at present there was no plan decided upon, but several were under consideration. By way of further com- ment, the réport of the Registrar-General, a day or two later, announced that the inevitable consequence of leaving the river in its present state | would be an epidemic among the people. The people swarming along | hint) he had been and asked for it. Hex ' proposals just and reasona’ had therefore better write at once to their housekeepers to have their country seats ready, or desire their agents to secure houses at Brignton or Ramsgate. Tuesday. Lony Cianennow said, that the Russian authorities had made untrue statements in reference to the Hango atrocity, and that Apurrat Duwpas had been instructed to demand a better explanation, and the immediate release of the pri : In the Commons, Sia Butwer Lytton announced his intention of moving a resolution, declaring that the conduct of Lonp Joun Rousse.t at Vienna bad shaken the confidence of the country in Her Masesty’s Government. This startling notification occasioned con- siderable sensation, which increased by Mr. Disnazci’s stating that he meant to whether Joun Russert had obtained Her Masesty’s leave to reveal state secrets, as he had done. On the fol- lowing Thursday Loxy Jonn was obliged to confess that he had not had the Queen’s leave; and added, with his usual logic, that such leave bad not been n and therefore (upon Mr. Disraew’s asesty “had been graciously pleased to sanction what he had done.” his doing a thing first, and then asking leave to do it, sometimes gets |ittle people into serapes, but this time Lory Jouw was lucky, and if Mr. Punch were at liberty to reveal the words in which the Quuzs good-naturedly told Joun that he might do or say just what he liked, it would probably be thought that Hen Masesty’s estimate of his Lordship’s importance is about that of Afr. Punchand the public. Lorp Jouyw also remarked that it was a shame to suppose that because he thought the Austrian be in April, he should think so in July ; and he declared that the war ought to be vigorously prosecuted. This an- nouncement was received by the Commons of England— * “Men whom Jom has often Led "— with “shouts of derisive laughter.” Evidently, as in Ma. Squerns’s case, “ the coat-of-arms of the Russgxts is tore, and their sun is gone down into the hocean wave.” Mr. Punch need not x Pin Mr. Disrazir came out upon this matter, and was very felicitous in taunting the Government with various endeavours which they had made to dodge away, behind the forms of the Hoase, from Sin Butwer Lytroy’s motion. And Ben- JAMIN one point so neatly that it is worthy to be immortalised here. He said that moment Lonp Patmerston heard Sin Botwen’s = notice, he changed all the business of the House, and, for the night on which the baronet proposed to attack Joun ype PALMERSTON set down the New Partnership Bill, and the Limited Liability Bill. “ Why,” said Mr. Dismagur, “the New Partnership Bill? hat the ple wanted to know was, what were the conditions of partnership in Downing-street !—they wanted to know whether the principles of | ‘limited liability’ were prevalent in that locality, or whether the people were to enjoy the general and collective responsibility of the ministers of the crown, which had theretofore the salutary and constitutional course.” This was very neat, and if Ma Disrazu, instead of feeling gratified that his jokes are transferred to Mr. Punch’s pages, thinks that he is entitled to remuneration for them, Mr. Punch, who is the soul of honour, will hand the Right Honourable Gentleman a cheque any day he will call at No. 85. To complete the story, it should be said, that Ma. Rognucx tried to get a “call” of the House for his motion of general censure on the managers of the Crimean oy members contending that it was town to attend to the business of the country. And it was finally —— that Ma. Roesvck should give way to Six Butwer Lyrtoy, and that the latter should open fire on the following Monday. On this same Taesday there was rather a the banks of the Thames, and the small unwholesome streets adjacent, | ign, but was defeated by 133 to 108, | uced inconvenient to be called up to | good debate, originated by | Mr. Vincent Scuuty, regarding examination of candidates for public | offices. Lorp Patmenston declared that Government were gradually | extending the system, and he the House not to interfere, but on division there was a very s the numbers by which Mx. Scotty’s resolution for examining every- body, and doing it in public, was got rid of by moving the previous question—an avoidance of a decision on the subject itself. majority with him, 140 to 125 being | Poor Arstey Pettatt, whom no snubbing and counting out will | convince that he is the wrong man in the wrong place, tried to be heard about some army question, but he was li ly shouted down, and then in a rage he moved the adjournment of the House, and this was put and negatived, and then he was squashed, for the moment. Wednesday. The Church Rates Abolition Bill was debated, and at last members talked Sppe time, in order to postpone the decision, and the device succe Thursday. The most interesting se of the Thursday’s work has been described. The new Turkish loan was explained; England and France are to guarantee £5,000,000 borrowed by Turkey, but Turkey is to spend the money on the war. Perhaps, some day, if she should not pay up her dividends, a British fleet, like that which went to “ collect” the Greek money, may———but we will not speak of such things. There was a final fight on the Seoteh Education Bill, as to which a VOL, XXIX. D

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24 PUNCH, OR ‘THE LONDON CHARIVARL {[Jozy 21, 1855. number of Seotch Members have suddenly been converted by menaces from the Seoteh clergy. The Lonp Apvocate well said that “ the people wanted education; but while the House was discussing we hee 0 abstract theories, a generation was growing up in ignorance.” But the appeal was lost upon the tools of the northern priests, and the third reading was carried by /Aree only (105 to 102), but the Bill was passed by a little hetter majority, 130 to 115, Then came an Irish row. The Lrishmen, in terror of /Aeir priests, have been obliged to threaten the Government with hostility, if the Tenants Compensation Bill be not restored to a somewhat more mis- clevous condition than that to which the good sense of the House had reduced it. Loap PsLmeastox, in his turn, was compelled to give way, alfecting to be delighted at the self-stultification of the Ministry, and \La. Maccres, member for Cork, explained, point-blank, the position vhich Lrish members occupy. “ What we have to do is to keep our- selves dangerous to honourable gentlemen on either side of the House.” This explanation of the principle on which legislation is conducted for the United Kingdom —this demonstration that by preserving a “balance” whieh can turn out a Liberal or Tory Government, the morant Irish priests virtually rule the three nations—so disgusted ‘Tr. Punch that he stalked out of the House in a rage, and went, out of wn. Whether he condeseends to come back again quite depends Upon circumstances, LIST FOR A SOLDIER. /> YUE dingy uniform of the Militia has already been the subject of the most serious observations in these columns. A Corpora is tHe GtamorGcan Muritra has taken up the same impor- tant subject in a letter to the Times, and, with a fine eye for colour, he describes the tint of the militia coat as a “ muddy red.” Copronat Tarry says that the Welsh tailors call the cloth, of which this garment is made, “padding;” and it is evidently fit for no other pur- pose than the one indicated by that word, unless to be cut up into strips and applied to the cultivation of =a fruit. The Corporal further shows that the lower extremities of the Militia are clothed in serge trousers at eight shillings, worth only five; and he proves that the force is decreasing in consequence of the badness of its uniform. When we con- sder the passion which the gentler sex entertain for the red coat, and reflect that this is one of the principal causes of enlistment, we view the shabby clothes of the Sidtionen with alarm as well as distaste. Are the materials of the Militia Uniform supplied by the members of the Peace Society, who want to discourage recruiting, and make money by one and the same expedient? Is the discoloration of the Militia coat occasioned by an admixture of drab ? “HOW WE AMEND OUR BILLS IN THE HOUSE” (A LITERAL KEPORT FOR ONCE.) Tiae—Two o Clock of an Afternoon in the Dog Days Scenr— The House of Commons in Committee on a Bill, or Committers in the Chair. The Cf A1RMAN About twenty Members in the House. Chairman of Committees, reading rapidly the marginal note of the sec- ‘ion, “ A\l persons to produce certificate of vaccination on demand of egistrar.” Any amendment before line 12? Proposed at line 12 to leave yut the words “ Produce certificate of vaccination”—and substitute— M.P. for the British Constitution. Sir, L’ve an amendment before that. I rise, Sir, to move an amendment on this most inquisi- torial provision. 1 am surprised—no—I am not surprised—for I am only too well aware of the utter disregard which the framer und promoters of this Bill and of Bills hike this, have always shown to the liberties of the subject, and the admirable provisions if our Common Law—on—on—all matters affecting the welfare of— this—great community. What, Sir, I ask the House—this Committee is it to be tolerated that the country should be dragconed over in this nanner by a set of persons—Registrars though they be—poking their noses into every man’s house, and demanding to see his certificate of vaccination, perhaps to take his coat off and show his marks? Good heavens, Sir, where is this sort of thing to end? The Common Law is explicit, as it always is, on the point. Any person who goes about with the small-pox on him commits a nuisance punishable on indictment; and, therefore, I say, if you this clause, instead of an Englishman’s house being his castle, whieh it has been our boast, wherever the egis of British Constitutional liberty, the iam of our rights, has flourished, for whieh our forefathers bled im the field, and which has braved for ten thousand years the battle and the breeze. I say—I say, Sir, all this is annihilated by this most iniquitous—this most inquisi- torial—this most abominable, provision (sits downs). Chairman, Any amendment before line 12? Proposed im line 12 that the words “Produce certifieateof vaccination” be struckout, and the words MP. for the British Constitution. My amendment has not been put. Chairman. The Honourable Member did not propose any. M.P. for the British Constitution. Then 1 move to strike out this section altogether (Hear / hear /). Chairman, Proposed to omit section 15 altogether. The question is, that the section proposed to be struck out stand part of the Bill. Those who are of that opinion say “aye,” the contrary, “ne.” The “noes ”— 2ad MP. (Starting wp). But, Sir, before you pat the question.— If this clause be struck out the whole bill becomes unimtelligible. All the preceding sections refer to the certificate required by this section. For instance, section 2 speaks of “such certificate as hereinafter pro- vided ”—and if we strike out this section no certificate will be provided. brd M.P. Sir, Ll beg to move that the words “of three months old”’ be inserted at the word “ persons ” in line ten. Chairman. The amendment before the Committee is that the section proposed to be struek out stand part of this Bil. MP. in charge of the Bill, 1 have only to say, as, has already been pated out to the Committee, that, if this section be omitted, the whole sill becomes waste paper. ith MP. (sotto voce, to Chairman.) Put it—put it. Chairman, Ut is proposed to omit section 15, The question is that sec- tion 15 stand part of this Bill ? Those of that opinion say “aye,” the con- ee Gs CS = trary “no,”—the “ayes” have it. Now, Sir? (fo 3rd Honourable Member.) | 3rd M.P. 1 beg to propose, Sir, the limitation of this section to —— of three months’ old. It is all very well to insist on infants ing properly vaccinated, but it is surely not to be tolerated that an | attempt should be made to coerce adults, as is done by this section. Why Sir, there is nothing in this section to prevent the Registrar coming into my dining-room when I am at dinner with my friends and family, and insisting on my producing my certificate of vaccination. M.P. in charge of Bill, ?'m quite ready *o put in “at reasonable hours,” I move Sir, in line 11, after the word “ shall” to insert— Chairman. No—no. There’s an amendment in line 10. Proposed after the words “all persons,” to insert the words “ of three months old.” The question is, that the words proposed be inserted. Those who are of that— M_P. in charge of Bill, Before you put the question, Sir, I wish to point out to the Committee that the last section has required an oath, or in lieu thereof a declaration, of all persons giving such certificate as hereinafter provided. Now, if you are to limit the giving of a certifi- | cate to persons of three months old, how are they to e such oath or declaration as you have already required them todo? I put this to the Honourable Member who moves this amendment, as a difficulty to be considered by him, before he presses this amendment. Chairman. Does the Honourable Member withdraw his amendment ? Amendment withdrawn—now (/0 Hoa. Member in charge of Bill). M.P. in charge of Bill. Six, 1 move in line 11, after the word “ shall,” | to insert the words “ at all reasonable hours.” 5th M.P. There are two “ shails” in line 11. M.P. in charge of Bill, Oh—very well—then—after the first. Chairman, \t is proposed after the first word “shall” in line 11 to insert the words “at all reasonable hours.” The question is that the words proposed be inserted. Those who are of that opinion say “aye,” the contrary “no ;” the “ayes” have it. It is proposed in line 12 to leave out the words “ certificate of vaccination,” and insert ? 6th M.P. Before you put that o— Sir, | wisi, with reference to | the amendment just carried, to call the attention of the Honourable | Gentleman in charge of this Bill, and the Committee to the fact, that the 4th clause of the Bill authorises the Registrar to enter for the pur- pose of the Act between the hours of six in the morning mine at night. Now, Sir, as the Honourable Member has inserted the words “ at all reasonable hours” in this clause, I wish to ask the Honourable Member, how the two clauses are to be construed together ?—” MP. in charge of Bill (rather puzzled), Oh—reasonable hours. —Why—it’s a term known to the law—the Courts have repeatedly construed those words. 6th M.P. But I want to know how the two clauses are to be construed together. Perhaps the Hon. Member will consider this. I don’t wish to throw any obstacle in the way of the measure, which I consider a very useful measure. (Si/s down meekly.) First Legal MP. aside to Second Legal M. P. A wut for us, Browx. Second Legal M.P. aside to First, Not the first in the Bill, Joyzs, | by any means. * * * * Left amending, | ae wh pa _ Pewee Oo QL

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Jour 21, 1855.) INTERESTING TO “MORALISTS AND POLITICIANS.” arREY Of the Morning Herald like Jaques, can moralise upon anything ; and that, too, at the shortest notice. The Bridge- water House theatricals, and the smashed windows of Lorp Ropert Grosvenor are alike food for “sweet and bitter melancholy.” Because “suffering poor” are to be benefited by the Bridgewater play, the moralist condemms PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. THE WORKING OF BILL. THE SUNDAY BEER As Tested by a Travell I went to the Goat and This‘ le, But | could not wet my whisti 1 eal!’ And got’ only a pul > d at the naa and Stump, a t the pump ; The Green Man and Still [ tried, he Fear’d I was not bond fide ; So I turn’d to the George and Boar— A policeman stood at the door ; Then I enter’d the Star and Garter, And drank hock and Seltzer water ; buke—to barber ! that are not altogether impregnable to Sunday arguments. thetically touched . by the Herald, do not abound amon , thick as blackberries in the Lords an | but are, or ought to ; Who, in very but ask this question of Lonp Rosert Grosvenor. stone ? with all his might the gpec-| tators who complacency ” at Lorp Gnos-| vENOR’s brokenglass. Because Lords and Ladies “ hold the | mirror up to nature” for the | henefit of GROSVENOR is—without re- the violence of a mob; never- theless, it is well that Lords | and Gentlemen, before they attack the people with Sunday bills, should 4 they themselves live in houses address to Her Masesry, stating that the House The “ moralists and politicians” | of Commons is half inclined for a vigorous the boys of London; | prosecution of the war. Commons, And returning by Pal! Mall, “look with evident | At the Carlton | dined very well. = An Open Question. Tae Brsnor or Lonpow objects to the ery | that is raised every now and then for pulling down the rails round St. Paul’s, as he says, it does no good; but, on the contrary, rather does | harm, by raising so much additional Railing against Railing. the poor, Lorp shut up the Sunday Nobody can justify NOTICE OF MOTION, remember that| Lorp Jouw Russert. To move an humble We cannot - One wo atways Srpaxs Coiiecrepiy.— | A Tax-gatherer. | fact, threw the first BEAUTIES OF THE BISHOPS. From certain returns, we have a very interesting illustration of the liberal feelings existing on the part of the Church towards the Law. Brothers epigcopal and brothers legal are, it would seem, the best of friends. Black embraces, black! In three years, the bishops forming the Ecclesiastical Commission, and its subordinate organisation, the Church Estates’. Commission, pay over to lawyers and surveyors very nearly the sum of £45,000! And this, too, as the Examiner observes, “ after it was sup that the Legislature had introduced some im- | provements into the management of the body.” How many curates at £80, or even at the larger munificence of a £100 per annum, might not have had a few more penny loaves, a dozen or two additional sprats for themselves and families, out of this enormity of £45,000, expended on the preciousness of lawyers’ tape and parchment, and surveyors’ rule and compasses! With such expensive parchment have the bishops the proper thought of the wants of Christian flocks,—with such costly rule- work, do they best adhere to the rule of right ° Why, with such rewards dropped to law and surveying from the liberal hands of bishops, why was not the late Docror Jown Krtto either an attorney, or a man of line and compasses ’ Then working for worldly bishops, he might have easily left his widow in easiest case. But Doctor Krrro worked for the bishops in another sphere. His doings were with no contemporary parchment. He merely worked for sacred letters. He wrote upon such matters as the flocks of ABRAHAM ; he only surveyed the Holy Land. And his reward was, a life of poverty: and dying, a wretched £50 per annum is doled out to his widow, from pensions granted upon the civil list. We marvel what works, the doings of a Bisnor or Oxvorp, or even of a Bisnor or Exeter (all his political pamphlets included), may weigh in the balance against Doctor Krrto’s Pictorial Bible, and his Biblical Cyclopedia ; books of enduring preciousness ; books uced in poverty,—and re- warded with contempt in high places :—for what other than contempt is the miserable £50 a-year vouchsafed to the widow of the self-sacrificing scholar ? To be sure, what can be hoped in the way of reward for literature, when such a crowd of outside claimants are Jet loose upon the miser- able £1,200 granted yearly for the “encouragement of art, science and letters?” Out of this miserable sum £300 go to Netson’s grand- daughters; we presume for Netson’s merits as an author, when he composed his world-famous signal. Cotone, WittoucuBy Moore loses his life; but leaves nothing that we can find, to art, science, or litera- ture ; his, widow, however, takes double Mas. Kitto’s share—for she has £109 per annum. The widow of a late Cape Secretary has £300. The widow of a Scotch Judge, £200. The widow of a Treasury Clerk £150. These deductions leave £150 per annum for the reward of literature ; namely, £100 to Mr. Tuomas Kerontiey, author of one of the most exquisite works in European literature, namely The Fairy Mythology, and the aforesaid £50 for widow Krrto. In this way are the few crusts, nominally voted for men of letters, science, and art, snatched from them by anybody with strength enough for the scramble but wholly irrespective of any other merit. Literature, science, and art are first mocked with a nominal grant of £1,200 ayear; and then cheated by being despoiled of seven-eighths of the money ! REMARKABLE BANKING OPERA-TIONS. Ir is said that Her Majesty’s Theatre is about to be opened as a West End Branch of the Bank of England. This, mdeed, would be an illustration of the meeting of extremes; for what can be more op- posite than a ruined theatre, and the wealthiest banking establishment in Europe. The locality is undoubtedly one from which notes of the highest value have been issued, but it will be a somewhat novel experi- ment to send forth Bank of England notes from a spot, where those of Grist and other celebrities have acquired their currency. Lf business is to commence immediately, the Bank parlour will have to be made up of a set-scene, and the directors wil! possibly have to meet in the “ sacred grove” of the Druids; while the issue department may be carried on through the openings in the “cut-wood” of the Somnambula, We hope for the sake of the once spirited proprietor, that the ramour we have mentioned is founded in truth, for he could not get rid of all his old scores more successfully than by converting his theatre into a branch of the Bank of England. MIND YOUR LETTERS. * Is the Panopticon there is written up, over several apiaries, “ Never kill a Bee.” A facetious Country Cousim says, since the advice is intended for Cockneys, it would be much better to tell them “ Never Morper a H.” THE GREATEST CITIZEN OF THE WORLD. Tae most perfect, most universal cosmopolitan, must have been Op Foutxer, for zo where you will, you will meet with Fuller’s Karth on almost every Sot/. A Trautn Apwitrep os Att Hawns (any Heaps asso).—Of all strikes that inflict the greatest injury on the people, and leave nothing but bad blood and ill-feeling behind them, there is none worse than the Policeman’s Strike !

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Se ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Jury 21, 1855, KING THAMES. Kine Tames was a rare old fellow, He lay in his bed of slime, And his face was disgustingly yellow, Except where ’twas black with grime ; urrah! hurrah, for the slush and slime! There came to him all the essence Of filth, both coarse and fine ; And all kinds of putrescence To visit him did combine. Hurrah! &c. The matter from cesspools carted, y d vegetation as well ; Dogs and cats from life departed, Sent their odours to add to the smell. Hurrah! &c, All comes to the rare old fellow, In the course of a little time; No wonder he looks so yellow, As , in : bed of slime, c. A ROUND-ABOUT STORY. Tas Court Circular informs the civilised world that :— “Hem Mavsesty and the Royal Circle partook of luncheon.” Which the civilised world will doubtless be delighted, if not astonished, to learn. oe in the world but the Russians and the cannibals will rejoice in the inference that Hen Masesty has a good appetite. But the Royal Circle !—that will puzzle our friends. How can a circle partake of luncheon? Is such a thing mathematically ssible? How about the quadrature of the Royal Circle ? | We, for our part, have no notion of any Royal Circle, | except the hoops which the princes and princesses trundle, and the ring upon the Quexy’s left f finger. meen ee : : } 7 i ‘| Shoe Brigade Boy (to old Gent, irascible from Gout, which has settled in his feet). | “ Now, Sma! Dip rou wayt rour Ssors Bracken?” Lzs “Rovczs” pe t’AneieTerre.—Onur Red-Tapists. A PHILOSOPHER AFLOAT. COMING IT TOO STRONG. A’cemicat work of small size and great importance has been lately| Wx have often been shocked ourselves, and have doubtless shocked | published. The production alluded to is Farapay on the Thames; | onr readers, by quotations from the Times newspaper, of statements title which means even more than it appears to mean; for it not only | which are sometimes put into that journal by the CHANCELIOR OF THE | expresses Proressorn Farapat’s views of the composition of the river, | but also describes the sensations experienced by him during a period of | brief transit upon its surface. A piece of white card, according to the | professor, becomes invisible at a very small degree of submersion in the | hames water; which is of a peculiar colour—“ opaque pale brown ”’— | drab—quakerish—and a not very peculiar smell, because it partakes of | that of the sink-holes; and may be described as odoriferous but not | fragrant. We have often had great pleasure in hearing Farapay “| plain the composition of water, pure and simple; but we rejoice much more that he Pas enabled the public to form a correct idea of the con- stituents of that of the Thames; which consists of something more than Oxygen and Hydrogen. Because we are losing brave men by war, it is rather the more desirable than otherwise that we should not also lose useful citizens by pestilence, as we certainly shall if the Thames continues much longer to be an open sewer. e hope that Prorgsson Fanapay’s publication, which takes the shape of a concise letter to the Times, will effect a saving of human life still greater than that which bas resulted from his predecessor’s safety-lamp. Davy’s invention prevents carburetted hydrogen from blowing up miners ; may FaRrapay’s epistle avert cholera and typhus, by stirring up senatorial and municipal persons to prevent sulphuretted hydrogen from being disengaged. A Nominal Error. Somenopr has invented an instrument which he calls a “ Palmerston, or Judicious Bottle-Holder.” The object is to enable a person to take hold of a bottle without soiling his fingers. If this is really the case, the invention should hardly be called a Palmerston, for in the conduct | of the war, or in other words, in his mode of dealing with the Porte, the Premier himself has not come out with entirely clean 4 E HEADS OF THE PEOPLE, Bound in pater and diachylon. This Series (anything but pular), a fresh issue of which was brought ont, with | numerous cata, a few Sundays k, by the Police in Hyde Park, bas since been dis- continued by bigh authority of Government and Mr. Punch. | Excuequer, announcing that certain persons have sent him “con- | science money,” as it is called, “on account of income-tax.” As every- body who pays the same tax on his earnings, that is to say, on his whole property, that another pays on the interest of his capital, is cheated, this payment of “conscience money,” by anybody but a capitalist, is payment of money at the instigation of a morbid conscience : is, in short, an act of madness. We always doubted that any person could be so insane as to send the tax on his precarious income, out of which the law has forgotten to cheat him, to the Govern —eould be such a fool as to cheat himself in preference to cheating Downing Street. We have long suspected that the Cuancetion oF THE Excurquer in- serts these paragraphs. in the Z'imes, in order to eve colour to the delusion that people are satisfied with the Income-Tax. Aj] doubt on that subject is now removed from our mind by the following announce- ment, appended to the leaders of our leading contemporary :— “The CHaNceLton OF THe Excurquen also acknowledges the reteipt of 2 Bank note for £50 as Income Tax from ‘A Lawyer.’” Now, this is too much. It is drawing the bow that is too long. We are not incredulous—we would examine the subject of Homeopathy : we would, if possible — the liquefaction of the Blood of Sarnt Jaywanivs; but believe a lawyer would pay “£50 as income- tax,” under any cireumstances than those of legal process,—no! No, Sin Georce Connewatt Lewis, you don’t come the old soldier in that way over us. The Newspaper Blight. Avrgapy the blight is telling upon the trees and suckers of know- ledge—the Cheap Newspapers. At the time of our going to press, the Farthing Manchester Rocket had been quenched in a gutter, and the Halfpenny Leeds Volcano had ceased even to smoke. The Billericay Butterfly was very feeble on the wing, and the Penny Guinea Pig, or Warrington Whole Hog at its last squeak.

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i S ’ 4 Jory 21, 1855. y ts a“ | | 5 — — > == - _—— ae | ayy ee =~ many + | >> - gee in - | WT ‘ | | : , \ — 7 | t | ah H We Hitl tlt Se a ~* 4 a . I ~ 7 ~ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ° a? a | pm le cc =. 4 tee j ry (3 ———— ’ j ; =. == — | { And we hope the Dirty Fellow will consult the learned Professor. sate i IAA —_ = es Lf | | FARADAY GIVING HIS CARD TO FATHER THAME

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od ee ce ee Si Re ED ee Re el 0 Be Ed ee ek le Deed ee ll wed kn ee i ee bt el fF hed | ee ee Deed ee ee Rk Be ee Bek fd hr ee

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Jory 21, 1855.) * iL TROVATORE. Ir you’ ll listen awhile, I will tell you a story Of the popular opera, // Trovatore. What ’s // Trovatore? A foundling, no doubt, From Trovare, to find; but, excuse me, you’re out. Tis hardly yet known to three folks out of four That J7 Trovatore’s the (young) Troubadour. The curtain goes wp, and the audience soon are Surveying the halls of the Conte di Luna. The title is strange, but its owner will soon Give proof of his right to take rank from the moon ; For his conduct becomes so decidedly bad, ‘That charity kindly considers him mad : Attendants discover’d, all sleepy and spooney : Is it strange that the servants of Luna are mooney ? Though anywhere else one would wake them by ringing, On the stage ’tis the fashion to rouse folks by singing. An upper domestic, Fernando by name, Proceeds to allude to some violent flame ‘That ’s consuming his master—who’s got an amour— And fears as a rival the young Troubadour. For ’tis a remarkable thing on the stage, A Count in a courtship can never engage. But straight to his servants he seeks to impart The seeret (he ealls it) that burns in his heart. The servants, however, have heard it before, And threaten to sink into slumber once more, Unless, the old story ’s replaced by another, Not touching their master, but touching his brother. ‘The principal servant, who’s made it his part To get all the family secrets by h Calls all the domestics and soldiers about him ; And though ’twould be very much nobler to scout him, With keen curiosity gathering round, They give to his scandal attention profound. The story is thus :—“ Count di [una the late one, (Who being deceased is of course called the great one). Of two darling sons was the fortunate sire, When a witch (who was afterwards thrown in the fire) At the cradle of one of the boys came to sit, And sent the young gentleman off in a fit. The Count had the sorceress burnt to a cinder ; But the hag had a daughter, who seeing the tinder, With wonderful instinct, by some means or other, Collecting the dust, re-colleeted her mother. With horrible vengeance, and energy wild, She caught from its cradle the innocent child, And, near to the spot where her mother was roasted, Some small bones were found very recently toasted. The chorus, of course, with discretion sublime, Express their disgust at the low person’s crime ; Though they suffer’d without observation to pass The act of the man of superior class. By one of those instincts that seldom prevail, Except on the stage, where they ’re sure not to fail, The Count a belief in his child’s safety owns, Notwithstanding the startling affair of the bones ; And so the old gentleman, just as he di Had summon’d the Count (Number 2) to his side, And made him most faithfully promise and swear He ’d look for his brother—for though quite aware Of the bones the poor child was consider’d the owner, Further search might return them e’en yet aula bona. The woman by whom the vile deed was committed, From all her pursuers successfully flitted. For criminals always, in opera or play, (However well known) can keep out of the way. Tis true she’s the neighbourhood often infested, » But somehow or other she’s not been arrested. The people have seen her, on chimney and cowl, At times as a crow, once or twice as an owl; But to catch this strange bird they incessantly fail, Or even to put any salt on its tail. So the servants disgusted at finding a hitch In their own bad arrangements for catching the witch, Agree, in a chorus, she ought to be cursed, Which brings to a spirited end—Scene the First. Scene Two—is a palace with gardens at night, The moon and the stars show each other a light, Two ladies approach, Leonora and Inez ; The latter without the least atom of shyness, Although an attendant) begins to reprove he former for feeling a dangerous love. J PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (A confidante wishing the sorrows to soften Of a principal singer, can’t hear them too often, The latter is ask’d to repeat them onee more, If the andience haven’t ‘ton told them before, How came you to love him, says Jwez, and when ? Leonora repiies—that the dearest of men, She met at a tournament, where in @ He gain’d that absurd. piece of rubbish a Whieh—though to the gardening business not She planted mght up on the top of his head. The fnight with the ; stuff no sooner was erown’d, Than all of a sudden he cou!dn’t be found ; But though zon inventus, he wasn’t a brute, And struck up an air (out of sight) on his flute. The solo was heard with attention serene, But still the executant couldn’t be seen ; And though he was look’d for, "tis natural quite (On the stage) to explore every place but the right. Another remarkable fact then occurr’d, For the name Leonora distinctly was heard ; And though p’rhaps a singer could easily say it, *Tis hard to conceive how a flutist could play it. The lady, of course, as all heroines (On the stage), to the lattice immediately flew. "Tis the stranger—she burns with a m amour, For this flute-piaying, eav ing, strange ‘Troubadour “ Forget him,” says /nec. “ Porget him I can’t,” Exclaums Leonora, “ and therefowe I sha’n’t. If for him anable to live—tell me T shouldn’t make other arrangements—and die.” To the back of the stage the two ladies then mount. When exeunt ambo and enter the Count, He looks at the window, and seeing a light, Observes Leonora’s not sleeping to-night ; Forgetting that people, not partial to gloom, Wiil sleep with an Acsert or Curipy in the room. Approaching the window to catch p’rhaps a sound From the voice of his love, in the stillness around— Or should she be sleeping, expecting a snore— He’s struck by the voice of the sad Troubadour. His jealousy ’s roused, for he feels his position— ’Tis his rival, the beggarly strolling musician. The lady descends with an anima mia Address’d to the Count, who’s astonish’d to see her Shrink back, like a bali that rebounds from the floor, At hearing the voice of the young Troubadour. The moon, which has hitherto been ’neath a shroud, Is, thanks to a well-bred theatrical cloud, Released from the veil—a dise-over it laid,— And thus an important dise-overy’s made ; For seeing the Minstrel, the lady, whose views Are musical, throws herself down at his shoes ; Forgetting alike both her sex and her station, She makes to the flutist a bold declaration. The Count’s in a rage—having heard her confess That she favours the strolling musician’s address ; And burning with anger, proceeds to exclaim, “Since she ’s got your address, p’rhaps you ’ll give me yourname. “ Manrico’s my name,” cries the flutist. No sooner Does the word reach the ears of the lunatic Luna, Than he casts his abuse, like a boy throwing pebbles, On the Minstre!, and calls lim the ehief of the rebels. The gentlemen sing with remarkable power, Saying, each has arrived at his ultimate hour, And though one another most anxious to kill, They execute jointly a beautiful trill. Though the Count is determined the life-blood to take Of Mannico—the rivals concur, in a shake. They flourish their weapons—then jointly they pause, Awaiting the end of a round of applause. The top of their voices the couple then reach, While poor Leonora approaches a sereech. For the music of Venpr is known to require The voice to go higher, and higher and higher. No wonder, that just as the First Act is o'er, The lady, exhausted, drops down on the floor : While the gentlemen, having expended their might In shouting—are forced to retire to fight. A fight on the stage quite another thing means From a due! (supposed) at the baek of the scenes, Where the combatants—all their hostility ever, Sit puffing and blowing their wind to recover. ” * In the original Italian the word is linto, but the poet of the establishment having translated it “ fuce,’ we take advantage of the mistranslation for our own purposes, j + Avserr and Curto will be recognised as the names given to two varieties of Patent Night Lights — ae YS ym 1a a!

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CHARIVARLI. * Jory 21, 1855. JOHN THOMAS, THE BELGRAVIAN FLUNKEY, AS HE APPEARED WHILE THE MOB WERE BREAKING HIS MISSESSES WINDOWS. ROEBUCK’S CALL. Arn—* Young Agnes.” Youre Rorsvuck, Sheffield’s flower— Resolved to have his say— Proposed the House’s power To test, some early day. Sut M.P’s. had sought the shade Of country seat, bower, and hall, And didn’t like being made To come to town again at all. And so with al! their power Resolved not to hear his cal], Ca—a—a— Resolved not to hear his call. The Right Nail on the Head. Ir is said that the whole of the property of Sm Jonw Dean Pavt is to be brought to the hammer. This will be but a poor consolation | to the numerous ninnyhammers who were con- | tent to entrust their means to the hands of those who have made such an improper use of it. A QUESTION FOR THE CITY- Way does the Thames, at the turn of the tide, remind one of a common saying ?~—Because it is slow and sewer. (From a maniac, rendered one by the slate of the river.) A Superricia, Pumosopser.—Electro-Piato. RABELAIS and, as it were by magic foun people, a small dash o thieves w theless require the main turned These same did use their claws own fortunes. ; when they could not jump them, cabs that they could not drive. the law do say), but because the idea that people cannot meet give ear to one side of a question. did remain open for the benefit while the public-houses for the middle or lower people were kept shut, | even as the temple of Jasvs when there were no Sabbatarians to keep | to the colonies. it open. Some did say that those chance of a dinner on the seventh of peaceable A neler IN THE CRIMEA. et How Raneats, after leaving the Great Bridlegoose, got into mized | wi Company, and learnt doubtful Ideas on Things sacred. I ert the Great ey am who had taught me so many wonders, most judicious inefficience leave pickpockets and prizefig h These same did swear, taik vilely, run under barriers | wish to hear, which conduceth to ditto. ree I also saw, among other strange impossibilities, seven ounces of € lobsters, his measures being, like ‘hs | that he who understandeth nothing of what he is talking about, knoweth | little and teacheth less, and that he who runs away from the great /| that the wits of the Great Talking Shop had provided for the enter- | beast Punic, scarcely meets it fairly. n peculiar Sabbath, and much I got by it. | And this was all because the great Animal of the two Ears could only | bf dine inte | those who let him have his own way, and was much pitied and regret | by those who saw that thistles must ever be the food of those who | | prefer them to figs, and who think turning a place of harmless recreation | into a bear-garden, the best worship of And others did say that certain places called Claves, Anglice Clubs, or nine o’clock on Saturday nights have ill chance of a | some did say that a Lord whose own goose has been cooked, and whose horse can be driven on the seventh as well as any other day, should abstain from meddling with smaller birds or their dinners. Others did | transference occupies say, that Mayne force was not the best way of influencing the feelings | ple, who only wanted to pret certain animals braying | entertained of him by too loud, and spoiling the privileges of t | saw before. t I saw Lonpv G— myself in a mixture of quiet homely | along a Rotten Row. ho did charge vigorously, and a large on to keep them in fitting disorder. | lobsters did use their (in the curious shape of clubs) most | ters to their | look valiant in numbers, and ride on | And these lobsters, mark you, did it | Government Common Sense. not out of their own head or out of malice prepense (as the learned in | sight of it in trying the hant after some Sabbatarian Christianity. i I I came to the understanding, that if all men of the public were not — ther, without swallowing his own | fools, some of their rulers were. I also learnt that Cant is not Religion. great Animal of the two Ears had an | wit, a forgotten question, seeing | And I learnt all the | tainments of their ow He was tolerably kind, especially to | im whom all adore. brated publication in I did see a very mighty ass on horseback, the like of which I never } I saw about a couple of dozen, of baker’s dozen, of raw lobsters, the | rich did ply their claws as aforesaid. } I saw a child trampled on, and a small woman knocked down—the | which I was told were merely a sample. ’s common sense walking in company with Chaos | number of land-lobsters in their native blue coats, the which did never-| coat on their backs, against which, being defenceless, the aforesaid claws. So small was the amount, that I lost lobster slang, blackguardism, abuse, and brutality, PUNCH AND THE POST. ALTHOUGH an enormous increase in the circulation of Punch has | resulted from the increased facilities for the conveyance of this cele- | the British Islands, a serious inconvenience will of big sinners, grown on a rich soil, | be inflicted upon Mr. Punch by the obstacles which, by the new postal | who worked all six days deserved the , and that those who are paid at eight | stamped stam whol eir own Common. beverage alluded to regulations, will be offered to the transmission of his famous He will now x 4. ut a penny stamp upon each of his numbers, r a ition, r, ie to send it to any British colony whatever, | good market : | except Canada. To go thither it must be load ! That is, it must pay threepence, unless it goes by aconveyance British ; in which case the exaction is a penny less, and the riodical | ted to the annoyance of having to | besides the stamp of his | with two postage six weeks. Now Mr. Punch does not think small beer of himself, perhaps, but that is the opinion which may possibly be those who get his journal in the condition of the when that has been drawn for more than a | I may! calendar month. 4 propos of that fluid, the Newspaper Postage Act, And I did see many strange things, the like of which I ho _tha ; not see ere the, Palace of Sound is crumbled into the brains of its own | which facilitates the home whilst it em speakers. | newspapers, may be described as a half-and-half measure. barrasses the colonial postage of I saw several thousand skinned eels, who nevertheless could keep a | | 3) mc I saw some broken heads, the which I was told did much for Sunday | | artificially against weak women, children, or quiet people, and did with | morality. | i h I heard several lobsters use some of the uncleanest language I never | | Ji

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ty of » the ation | con- hose the ause te of ATO. ever | the | -the | naos ep a said day | ever 3 of lost not lity, iter- ele- will stal | ical | t to | ver, | age nce the pall the ict, > of PUNCH. CR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 31 “With respect to the Cochin bird, whose THE COCHIN-CHINA CORRESPONDENCE. place of birth you have—I have no doubt un- willingly—misrepresented,—I have the pleasure 5S we have been re- to inform you, that al of foreign extraction, ope te publish the creature is @ British-born subject, being pro- the subjoined cor- duced from a setting of eggs presented to my- respondence, and self by Mas. Mason Samunprake, who had her as it relates to a setting from Mas. Gewenas Buiurrags, who toe eommon rer. had her’s from her owm daughter, the Lady of anee in which the the Bisnor or He.iconawD—an individual as peace of many distinguished for the curious of his poultry, worthy families | as for the or/hodo.y of his i iscontinuallycom-| “T think, Madam, I have mow most satisfac- mestictranquillity.| “ Mavam.—lIt is nothing to me where your merely add, that the whole neighbourhood is raised /y it. Ma. the correspon-, Mitterceurs has done nothing but turn and dence relates to turn in his bed without a wink since 3, and has the encourage-|now gone to the City more dead than alive. [ ment of a breed of have just received a note from him, saying that sultry — shame- he feels so ill, from want of sleep, that he thinks ully robbed by he shall be obliged to accept a hurried invitation the Chinese of) to go to Greenwich to dine. their tails, and| “ And so am I, a wife and mother of a family, cruelly divested'to be deprived of the society of @ husband and of their nether /ather, because you will keep what must be a feathers — known nuisance to all the neighbourhood, and a filthy as Cochin Chinas. | thing to look at besides ! The correspon-| “ It is not our wish to resort to strong mea- dence is that of sures,—but we cannot be kept awake all night two ladies; and | by the shrieks of a foreigner, even though de- is therefore characterised by a gentleness and forbearance truly feminine. scended from an orthodox bishop. eile : ‘ , “Yours, M. M.” Primrose Lodge, Clarence Park, June —, 1855. ies “PS. [f your young ladies are so fond of “De — M: i : eight: beg to call |). Dean Mrs. Broomsiossom,— May I as an acquaintance and neighbour beg to call hinds. the neighbeurhend—Ma. M. desires me " . 9 " . ’ , = "ny lg } ° i your attention to your poultry? I assure you, the noise is most distressing—particularly of to say—will, no doubt, allow you to take out the promised, Mr. torily replied to you with to the origin Punch camnet for and country of the bird yow have too harshly , a ane a slandered, and remain, | to do his est to- “ . ’ ” sale thesia Yours, obediently, C. B. public and do- war ‘ Mr. Punch may brute of a bird comes from, it is enough that | the male bird, or birds ; for there must be half-a-dozen, though I am told, it is but a siagle 70, weight in macaws, with even a peacock | ‘reature that makes all the disturbanee. From the hour of day-break until the baker rings | ,;_. : = 99 with the rolls, ¢hat dreadful Cochin-China destroys the peace of my family. I am sure, dear | thrown into the bargain. Mrs. Broomstossom, that I have but to call your attention to this fact—our houses are, | : hope I may still say fortunately, so close,—for you to make the nvisy creature have compassion; “ Mas. Baoompiossom presents her compli upon us. “ Ever yours, Mary Mruverteves.” |ments to Mus. Minievieuns. Mas. B. can be im no way in want of @ macaw ; for she has only : to imagme Mus. M. reading one of her own “* Minerva House, Clarence Park, June —, 1855. | letters “ Dean Mus. Mitterteves,—I am verysorry that the note of the poor bird should, in| “ Neither has Mrs. B. any wish to keep a any manner, distress the delicacy of your orgamsation. You know, dear Madam, or perhaps peacock at her own cost; seeing that she has might know, that it is one of the /aws of natural history that chanticleer should salute /he an opposite neighbour, whose vanity as maeh rising morn. My bird does no more than follow the unerring statutes of instinet. If at this exceeds that of the bird, as her good /ooks fall season, Phoebus flames in his car at an early hour, the cock, which is sacred to Aisculapius, short of it. who again is sacred to Apollo, must denote the event at a corresponding time. “ Mas. B. has the further pleasure to inform “ The poor bird is, 1 assure you, an especial favourite with all my young ladies, who would— Mas. M. that early this morning one of her finest but for my vigilanee—kill the dear creature with hindness. Let me, dear Mus. Mittevtevrs, Cochins hatched a magnificent, brood of eleven. ask a little further indulgence for the dear Cochin. He has only been with us « month, and Hen and Chickens doing well.” [’m told in time one might sleep in St. Paul’s belfry without ever hearing it strike midnight. sient “ Yours, sincerely, Canoitrye BroomBiossom.” “ Mas. Mittertzuns hes consulted Ma. Fvr- 5)? CE. © peo NIVAL — the lawyer under Mus. M.’s marriage “ Dear Mapau,—It is not for me to say to whom your Cochin is sacred. I can only say S¢ttlement—and instructed him, with the know fo us, itis a nuisance. Since half-past three this morning, neither Ma. Mu.terecrs—(and ledge of her husband,—to indict Mus. Buoom- he has to go in the City by ten, and your bird has made him this last week look as haggard as 3i0SSOM under the Nuisance Act. It may, + witch)~neither Mr. MitLercecvas nor myself have closed our eyes. £ perhaps, delight the vindictive nature of Mus. _“T have no doubt, Madam, that your bird may be a favourite with your pupils,—girls B. to know that, worn out by want of sleep, knowing nothing of the responsibilities of life. But when the City has claims upon ‘he head of Ma. M. was last night cowpeiled to repose at t family, must say [| do think it a little too hard that he should be deprived of lis the Crown and Sceptre. natural rest, ae .ery nage - Ma. Mricertevns calls your Cochin) from wan the moment o y-t And talking of day-break, [’m sure the creature very often « > —— takes the train for the car of Saedioan you call it—for sometimes all night long—/ can Mus. Baoomsiossom, in closing this = } low : rai . catenins , , respondence, can only hope that Ma. Mri 1ear him—he does nothing but crow against the railway whistle. amen hed a.aned pian t. Ma. L “ Wishing to live at peace with my neihbours, it is no affair of mine whether your Coehin (Mn '—7 ~ Prite yg be add — sd by Ma ‘s sacred to amybody—{ can only say that, as 1 hear, it comes from the land of the heathen; oan wy 2 nae? ey ae oy cae snd whether or not that matters not—that amy ay it is unfit for any Christian hen-roost. CEEvAL. - — Yours, sincerely, M. M.” nies Strange Departure. “é a MapaM,— Minerva House is, happily, too well-founded upon a Jasis of Rock, to fear Taz Daily News says, “ Common sense has either the sneers or the misrepresentatious of common natures. As for the young ladies departed from the War Office.’ We are ex- entrusted by parental solicitude to my instruction—I can only say that more than owe tremely sorry to hear of this departure, but for CORONET—one coronet, Madam—is at the present hour to be found upon the fair brow of more the life of us we never knew that Common Sensx than one of my ¢léves. (But I will not dwell on this.) had been lodging there. aoa steno eT pad

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. \Joxy 21, 1855. POEM COMPOSED IN PRISON. lv I wos a Pardoner hinn a Bank, [ shouldn’t be vorkin’ at this ’ere Crank : For me and my Pals a *s the term, Oh don’t I wish we wos call’d a Firm ! In that case Prigs is Bankrupts made, Though some is in the Wan conwey’d : But Juries finds they can’t conwict, And Justice’s ends thereby is nick’d. | Here, you or I, we frisks a till, And for which we gets the Crank or Mill, It may be for years to the ’ulks we goes ; It may be for , p'raps—who knows ? But hunto the ’ulks we never should go, Providing we wos a Banker’s Co., Becos of our ’avin’ pick’d the locks Of hever so many a Gent’s strong box. | If a Parson trusted us with his Deeds, And we sold ’em and sack’d the hole proceeds, That Reverend Gent would be jolly green, | But the Love weal aides al sau. | Cos why ?—the case in course would be Brought into the Court of Bankruptcy, | Vere we should have only to make a clean breast, Aud couldn’t be tried for wot we con/ess’d. To quod su we went for debt, | And just a few months chanced to get, PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEABE. Eater Ratcuirr. K. Rich, Who's there? Rat. My lord; ’tis I. The early village cock— Richard ITT. Act v., Scene 3. THE WATERY-GRAVE OF LONDON. Ir is really beginning to be a very serious question, “ What’s to be done with the Thames?” We wish that somebody would set it on fire, and get rid of it at once. It is daily getting into the worst possible odour; and, although many of us are continually drinking some of it to | the great danger of our lives, it is clear that we don’t drink enough of it | to get rid of itas rapidly as could be desired. Perhaps the best plan that could be adopted, would be to get some of the most efficient Parliamen- | tary pumps to set to work upon it, after the termination of the Session, | when they might endeavour to exhaust the river, as they bave already exhausted the House of Commons by their long speeches. We are quite | sure that these instruments will be found the most efficacious ia trying | to get rid of the water ; for there is nothing they touch which pm he - the | render perfectly dry. If these means should fail, we recommend t river to the earnest attention of those persons who are fond of throwing wet blankets upon anything like improvement; and who, by deriving the moisture they require from the’Thames, might eventually absorb the | disgusting liquid of which it is composed. OUR ORGANISED HYPOCRISY. You can’t get beer on a Sunday during those hours when you most want it, but neither can you say your prayers in your own —_ i the company of twenty persons beyond t C hold, to you have written yourself down a dissenter, and also, if we mistake not, paid balf-a-crown. Moreover, although you can get beer during some part of Sunday, you cannot say your prayers under the conditions above specified during any. The same legislature that passed the Sabbatarian Beer Bill last Session, has defeated Lorn Suarres- BuRy’s Religious Worship Bill this. The Bill of Lorp Saartessuay was a measure for preventing private houses from being closed against who, from the love of spiritual tyraany, vote for Sunday Bills, is as great an abomination as beer. | ea | QUERY FOR THE SABBATARIANS. Ir all Sunday trading had been abolished after nine or ten o'clock, / would the pew-openers have been disqualified from receiving their shillings as usual, for the accommodation of a seat in a pew ? | | he members of your own house- | conscientious worshippers ; but true religion, to the canting impostors | Without ’ard labour bein’ confined, To whicha cove might be-’ave resign’d. Here am I, lagg’d for forty bob, I’ve got seven year for that little job ; | I wish it ’ad been arf a million Pound, And I shouldn’t be turnin’ this ’andle round. SENTIMENTS FOR THE BOUDOIR. BY MADAME PUNCH. ATRLY cutting off | the wings of the | butterfly—such is | the attempt to de- fine Love. Love is the only tyrant whose laws are obeyed without | | murmuring, The woman who | succeeds in making a fop love her, prevents that fop, to an equal extent, from loving him- | self. The prefer- ence is not a very flattering one. Love is about the only passion that has the power of making a man change his | character or his dress. She is the most beautiful whom we love the most; and the woman we love the most is frequently the one to whom we talk of it the | least. The melancholy of a disappointed lover is like the dead light that | burns over a tomb. a f ¥ Love is fed upon the lightest pastry—Friendship upon solid beef. To give to those who want est un plaisir—to give to those we love | est un bonheur ! A Temperate Request. Juperne from the speeches at the recent meeting of the Maine Law | agitators, it would appear that those gentlemen are not quite so tem- perate in their demands as in their dri require, it seems, nothing less preposterous than the immediate total abstinence of the whole United Kingdom—as if, for instance, it were possible, im any amount of time, to teetotalise the cabmen! Printed by William oaier. of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Paseras, and Frederick Mullet Evans. of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and ia the County of Mid! the City ef Lendoa.—Sarvaoar, July 2st, 1365, sex, Primters, at their Office in Lombard Strect, in the Precinct of Wh:tedriars, im the Cly ef Loncen, and Pudished by them at No. %, Fieet Serect,

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east, Law » tem- eems, f the a any ——" ater, bat Bride © CAUTION ! Prosperous Shoe Black. “ You don’t ketch me putting my money into any 0 them Banks, I can tell yer /” PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. Mk. Puncu, having rushed from the House of Commons in an intense fit of disgust, as mentioned by him last week, had, of course, to be propitiated, like ACHILLES when he retired from the council-tent fore Troy. He departed on the Thursday night, and early on Friday morning, as he was lying on his back on the grass at Herne Bay, inventing dozens of i i most scorching and searing epigrams against | {tone and manner; | after two nights’ discussi , OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 33 speech as common-place bluster and reckless rhodomontade, and ended by declaring his belief, that his lordship intended, during the recess, to degrade the honour of the country, and betray its interests. Mn. Bovverre contributed to the harmony of the evening by making a donkified speech about Lorn Jonwn’s } ling merits, whereat the | House roared, and Mx. Rogsuck oy his opinion, that the dazz- | ling personage in question had not done his duty to the House, to | the country, to truth, or to honour. A very pleasant and personal night was thus got through, and that nothing might be wanting to sustain the character of the House of Commons, a Bill for paying schoolmasters to instruct the poor of Scotland, was thrown out by a considerable majority. Tuesday. Lory Paywvunre explained that as War Secretary he ought | to have taken charge of our military dependency, the Ionian Isles, but he really had so much to do, that he had determined to call that locality a Colony, and hand it over to the Colonial Secretary, The Lords thought this rather cool, but said % the Commons, the KoruscHILp Baron was not disqualified from being a member by being a loan- monger. Mr. Roesvcx then brought on his long-threatened motion of censure upon the Administration under whose t the Crimean disasters occurred. GeweraL Peet moved “the previous question,” which is the House of Commons’ device for evading the pronouncing any decision. The debate occupied a one, and Thursday, —and there was a great deal ps earnestness as to the subject of discussion, and a great deal of real party and personal asperity. Sim James Granam thought the House ought to come to a decision; Sim Cuanrctes Woop thought that it had not information enough before it ; Sm Arexanper Cocksuny put in some attorney-like pleas; Lonp Jomw Russg11 insulted Ma. Rozsvck; Mr. Baicur slashed at Lonp Patmenrston ; and Six De Lacy Evans complained of the Paemren’s Siovey Hersert thought with Sm James Grazam; Lorp Jomw Manwens proved that he could not think at all ; Lorp Patmenrston declared that he was a very fine Minister, and his colleagues were very fine colleagues ; |» until more ie men were found,” they would retain office; and Mx. Disnagit, with a creditable sense of the gravity of the question, said that the House iscussion, alter the laborious efforts of the Sebastopol Committee, and while the whole country was looking on with interest, would come to a vote which could confer honour and credit neither upon individual Members nor on the ve assembly. The House then came to such vote, cub ip 0 matunity ue S80 to 182, declined to say whether Lonp Patmensrton and his and present | colleagues were guilty or not. the whole political world, a Cabinet deputation, headed by Lorp| Patmerston, humbly approached him, and, with much earnestness of supplication, be m to return to town, and help the House through the session. Mr. Punch was for some time inexorable, but the gentle influence of the sea-breezes (how unlike those of the poison | sewer that runs London Bridge! ) softened him, and, finally, he through imposed the condition, that Jouw Russext should be instantly turned | out of the Cabinet, for his double-dealing in the Vienna affair. The Premier eagerly agreed, and sent Bouvesie running over to Sturry to telegraph to Jonny Russert that he must get out. Mr. Punch then treated the whole party to a bathe and shrimps, and they returned to town together in time to catch the SpzakeR at prayers on July \3th, Friday. There was not much done in either house, but Sim Georce Grey announ that he had appointed a commission, con- sisting of the three Reco of , Manchester, and Liverpool, to inquire into the conduct of the police in the Hyde Park affair. Monday. Lord ALBEMARLE ted a petition, signed by 14,000 of the inhabitants of Madras (which, for the information of members of Parliament, it should be said, is a portion of India) complaining of a great number of ey F age among which was the Maturfa, an extortionate tax on t and essions; out of every pound of which, moreover, the Government receives six and eightpence, and the scoundrelly collectors the remaining fourteen and fourpence. His lordship, deliberately, and upon the strongest evidence, charged the boastful East India Company with gross and culpable neglect of their duties as rulers. He also showed that torture is used to collect the Madras taxes. Loap GRANVILLE’s answer was rather an extenuation than a defence. Lorgp Patmenrston had kept his word with Mr. Punch, and in the Commons Lorp Joux Russeut announced that he had ceased to be Colonial Minister. He made a speech, in which he set forth his own merits, quoted Saaxsrgare on hollow friendships, and professed con- tempt for his own pretended friends, who would not keep him in office, so as to bring down the whole Ministry with him in his fall. Sim Butwer Lrtrtow withdrew the motion which he had threatened, but intimated that the Premier was but an insincere party, and Lorp Joun a disingenuous one. Lory Patmenstow retorted, that Sir Butwer himself was either deliberately insincere, or as ignorant as a child. Ma, Disragui pleasingly characterised Lonpy PaLMenston’s VOL, XXIX. The Maynooth Nuisance looked as if we should hear no more of it until next year, for the debate was adjourned until that day three months, but the persevering old Spooner brought it up again on Friday, and carried a motion for inquiring why the report on May- nooth gave the Roman Catholic Bishops their “ aggression” titles. The Government opposed him, but was beaten by 97 to 76. ‘ednesday. The Commons did a little business rationally. _ In the Lords on Thursday, the unlucky Scotch Education Bill was finally strangled. The opposition was so strong that the mover wished to withdraw the bill, but this being oloeies to, its friends determined to con- ceal the relative numbers, and, a division being taken, everybody oes the mover voted against the second reading, result being 8 to 1. This is a victory for the Scotch priests, Friday. Lony Lyypuvunst showed up the short-comings of the Government in regard to legal reform, and the Chancellor in defence laid everything upon the war, though what Crasny has had to do with the war it is hard to say, or what share the wool-sack takes in preparing for the sack of Sebastopol. He had better have minded his own business, and improved the Divorce Law and abolished the Ecclesiastical Courts. In the Commons, Lonp PaLmenston explained, that though we had settled the first and second points with Austria, it was only done pro- visionally, and we were not bound by our agreement—also that CHARLEY mittee reported that the | Narter, when offered a Bath Cross, had crossly told the messenger | to go to Bath. A piece of good news was elicited from Sin Bensamiwn Hatt. A clause is to be introduced into the Metropolis Management Bill, pro- | viding that after five years from Christmas next, no more sewage is to go into the Thames; in the meantime other receptacles are to be constructed for the horrible matter which now pollutes the stream. Christmas 1860 is to be the end of the existing hideous state of things. The authorities are desired to take notice, that Mr. Punch, the undying and the ever vigilant, has noted the date, and will attend on new West- minster Bridge, on Christmas Eve, 1860, to receive their report that the Thames is pure. The resolution for guaranteeing the interest of the Turkish Loan met with a variety of unexpected opposition, and a result, which might have imperilled the French alliance and the fortunes of the war, was avoided by a majority of three only in a House of 267 members. So much for the wisdom of Parliament ! E a mon

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Sn me yy t : i writer to his out-and-out Friend, Lono Jomus Russeit.—To be bad at Batiamy s. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. THE RUSSIANS IN COVENT GARDEN. ne Russians are victorious ; we are fairly beaten, and it is nothing more than commor candour to own our discomfiture. Mr. Gre has been the prime means of in- D troducing the Muscovites into the very heart of the Metropolis ; and whether we will or no, we must own their mastery. We will, how- ever, 28 plainly as our emotion will permit us, give a brief narra- tive of the catastrophe. On the evening of the 19th inst., between seven and eight, it was plain that an attack was to be made. The Russians had, by some means, taken possession of Covent Garden Theatre. The English, however, thronging the house, resolved to dispute the ground, inch by inch. At eight o'clock precisely, Gr- weraL Costa, with fis truncheon in hand, rode imto the orchestra, and was received with heavy rounds, which momen with the self-possession and true modesty of a true hero. The orchestra opened from the overture battery, and never did we witness such power, such brillianey, and precision of fire. They carried all before them. The fight raged from half-past eight—with but two brief intervals— | until nearly a quarter to one, when the star of Russia—Za Stella del | Vord—was hailed as star trium t. It is im ible for us,—although | subdued and led away captive by the power of Firip-Marsaatt Mey- | ERBEER, to suppress the expression of our admiration, our veneration for the genius of that little, great man (for in co presence we think he hardly tops Narotzonw or Wetinveton). subdued people flung) bouquets and garlands at his feet,—the giant of music! But how admirably was the genius of the General seconded by the genius of his forees! Prodigions was the energy of Pictro Micaelof Formes ; magnificent the power of the Cossack Corporal (rifzenzo| Lablache. (He fought on foot; we can therefore give no idea of the) horse that coa/d carry him). How gracefully, how skilfully did Danzilowitz | Gardoni bring wp his forees,—setting them in the most. brilliant array. | Especially mighty in their grace and sweetness were the Amazons who took the field. How shall we deseribe Catterina Bosio, flashing hither and thither, and wherever she a , subduing and taking prisoner all about her. And then, that Praseovia Merai—with an innocent face : a face like a flower, yet so invineible wherever she ” Unerring | sharp-shooters were the Vivandieres, Lkimona Bauer and Natalia | Rudersdoff,— picking off unerringly whatever they aimed at. Finally, the triumph of the Russians at Covent Garden is all to | nothing the greatest vietory the Russians have bad in the present war. There can be no doubt that Genweratissimo Gre will “sack” all London. Among the distinguished visitors who were present at this Russian vietory, we noticed the Eart or Aperpern, Mr. Giapstone, and Messrs. Copspex, Bricut, and Mrixer Greson. We heard that Lorp Joun Russet occupied a box; but if so, he sat so far back in the shadow—that we cannot conscientiously say we saw him. THE NEW LAW OF LIMITED;:LIABILITY. Stvcr the difficulty of defining a Traveller has become such a serious nuisance to the Public, it is as well to provide against any further doubt in any future enactment, and we therefore call on Parliament to say, ’ whether the following cases will fall under the new Act. oS person sits in a draught, will the bill limit his liability to take com, If an individual hires a Cab, will the new law limit his liability to be overcharged and abused ? If a man goes into a Chancery suit, will the proposed enactment limit his liability to be ruined by the lawyers ? When these points are clearly settled, we may perhaps find a few more to propose. IN THE PRESS. I ESIGNATION ; a Moral Essay (with Cuts). By the Hon. Epwarp Pieves.t Bouvsam, Esq. M.P. for Kilmarneck; gratefully dedicated by the ‘Juny 28, 1855. THE RECRUITING SERJEANT AMONG THE LINEN DRAPERS. Come now, you fine young fellows that behind the counter stand, And measure crape and calico in Fleet Street and the Strand, For the finest bunch of ribbons you ever saw, leok here ! Forsake your gauze, for your Country's cause requires a grenadier. Who'd serve out silk and satin and buttons on a card In Regent Street, or Oxford Street, or in St. Paul’s Charehyard, When he might point a rifle, and send an ounce of lead, In Freedom’s fight, and the cause of Right, through a Russian villain’s head ? It is a woman’s business a shop-yard-stick to wiel You’d do « better service with the bay’net in the field, By charging on the Cossacks with strong determined wills, Than a price to fix at three-and-six in making up your bills. To wait upon them, ladies, though pleasant it may be, — want young men from one - = eight to six feet two or three ; oung are quite capable o ying their egg Ay maha ge ly men’s hands. In lieu of handsome shopmen to look at and admire, So many gallant heroes the ladies now ire, From brutal Russian savages to defend their matchless charms, Who would soon be here, if sloth or fear kept men from taking arms. | From morning until late at night you now have got to stop, Inhaling bad unwholesome air in a close unpleasant shop, You might be on the open field whilst you are breathing gas, A thing to do, with the choice of the two, that is worthy of an ass. In sedentary callings | wonder you can stay, Whereas, with colours flying, you now might march away, How you can how and scrape there astonishes me quite, When Spapiam, you might stand at ease, and hold your heads upright. From fever and consumption through pom, be confined, You might obtain your Fiberty im ease you had a mind. Diseases sweep you off above the rate of shell or ball, With no chance you see, to be K.C.B., and Field Marshal after all. Or if you were less lucky, returning from the war, With a medal on your bosom, and on your face a scar, How much more interesting an object to the Pair, Would — appear when they saw this here, and look’d upon that there ! PARLIAMENTARY NIGHT-WORK. Lorp Mayor Moon while very properly directing his attention to the filth in the Thames, has rather improperly expressed a hope “ that the matter will be at once taken up by Parliament.” Surely Parliament has quite enough dirt on its hands just now, without adding the mud from 'the Thames to the heap of nuisances with which it has had to deal, and still bas to dispose of. The progress of legislation has been slow enough, but if at this period of the year Parliament should go into the | Thames, we may expect the legislative machine to stick in the mud for the short remainder of the session. We do not agree with the Lorp | Mayor in calling on either house to act as a dredger for the purpose of | “taking the matter up,” and we prefer leaving the mud in the hands of | the corporation, who will know how to deal with it. As Conservator of the Thames it is peeuliarly the province of the Lonp Mayor to go into the matter, and probe it to the very bottom; tho we confess we cannot fairly expect his Lordship to get over head and ears im- mersed in the very unpleasant business. The New Doorkeeper of the House of Commons. Srz Eywarnp Buetwer Lyrrow has appeared lately in the new | character of a doorkeeper of the House of Commons, and in that | capacity he has been holding the door open for Lory Jonn Russet, saying to his Lord-hip, in a tone of the most satirical blandness, worthy of Peiham in his best kids, “This way Out—this way Out, my Lord!” | However, he has experienced the greatest difficulty in making Lorp | Joun, who has grown rather short-sighted since the Vienna conference, see the door. | Tae Pzorts.—The Ladder that helps Statesmen to climb, but | whieh they kick aside as soon as they have reached the Summit of their , Ambition. publ; annu and r be w to ad whea

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PUNCH, Ck THE LONDON Jury 28, 1855.] SOULS SOLD BY AUCTION. ' UR old friend, the Morning Herald, enabies us to state that the following dis- course will be delivered in the course of the present month from the Pulpit, by the Reverenp Mr Hammers ; — “ Reverend Gentlemen and Ladies, allow me to introduce to your notice the Rectory of Husband Bosworth, eli gibly situate in a pleasant part of the county of Leicester. The lot of the reverend purchaser—I beg your pardon—of the pur- chaser’s presentee, will be cast in one of the pleasant places of that celebrated county — celebrated for sheep of a superior breed, much admired for the wool ; capital shearing to the Pastor. Income de- rived from no less than five hundred acres of land. and amounts to one thou- sand pounds per agnum, exclusive of large and superior parsonage house. Population one thousand ; at a guinea per soul. Incumbent plendid business in cure of souls—souls cured I many gentlemen die at fifty-five. litty-live years of age; life precarious : | What shall we say for this eligible Rectory ? incumbent fifty-five. Full fifty-five years of age—and life transitory—and situate in pleasant p hat shall we say? Shall we say twenty thousand pounds ? Ten? Five? Shall we say five? Five’ One thousand souls"and only five thousand pounds. Five pounds a soul, and a thousand pounds yearly return: capital replaced in five years. Will nobody give five thousand pounds ? Four? Three? Two? (Thank you, my Lord.) Two thousand pounds are bid for this first-rate Rectory of only one thousand souls, situate in pleasant places and yielding one pound per soul per annum. And the present Incumbent fifty-five years of age. And one thousand pounds per annum. And | human life transitory. Three thousand. (Thank you, Ma’am.) Three thousand | pounds for the Rectory of Hushand Bosworth—eligible family Rectory—going at three thousand. Only three thousand—and one thousand pounds per annum, Three thousand pounds only, and the cure of no more souls than one thousand. Probable Dissenters among the souls, and proportionate reduction of Jabour. Only three thousand pounds bid for this sumptuous living. Going at three thousand pounds. And fifty-five yearsof age: and human life transitory. Transitory human life and fifty-five years of ial ming at three thousand pounds. Going_at three thousand—going—going—? Gone!” é Ma. Hamers will also sell the Rectory of Simpson, “most pleasantly situate within a mile and a half of Stoney Stratford (so called, as the reader knows, on account of the fleas), five miles from Woburn, and fifteen minutes’ walk of the Bletchley station on the London and North Western Railway.” The living is worth two hundred and fifty pounds a-year, with parsonage-house ; and the incumbent of Simpson is nearer to bis grave by twenty years than the parson of Husband Bosworth, being five over three-score and ten. The Rectory of West Lydford, Somerset, will also be knacked dowm to some speculative person by Ma, Hamurrs, “The living is worth four hundred and fifty pounds a-year,” but “the vendor’s right to present 1s subject to the contingency of a lady, aged sixty-three, dying in the lifetime of the present rector, whose age is eighty-three.” Ma. Hammens will probably expatiate, with his accustomed eloquence, om any infirmities on the part of this venerable clergyman, which are likely to prevent him from attaining to the age of Otp Parr. Houghton-on-the-Hill will also be submitted by Ma. Hammeans to public competition : “ the income of this Rectory, two hundred and sixty pounds per annum, is of the most satisfactory kind, arising entirely from the rents of lands, and not from tithe-rent charge.” The living maa of whom, dead, the shoes are to be waited for in this instanee, is aged seventy-six. It is perlaps unnecessary to add, that Ma. Hammers is not himself in the Church, and that the pulpit wheace he will address his congregation is one without a sounding-board, and one from which the orator is not to hurl denunciations against money- making and the love of ease. The Thirsty Feast-Day. IvstzaD of creating a disturbance by reason of having been tormented with drought on a Sunday by the Sabbatarians through their Beer Bill, it might answer the purpose of respectable mechanics simply to lie down in the s'reets, having chalked onthe pavement before them the brief but touching inscription, “1 am thirsty.” ’ Situate in pleasant places; what will any gentleman or lady give for this Rectory? Hligible—amd the present | ds—and a thousand a-year. | FIRM ! Waar though Azraev’s shadow lowering O’er our leaguer’d army falls ? Though half-hearted Doubt be cowering _Ev'n within our Senate’s walls ? What though Austrian wiles bave taken Eyes, that England deem’d were clear ° What though Austrian hints have shaken Hearts we thought too high for fear ?— Be all this and worse before us, Think we of the sires that bore us, And all English hearts raise chorns— Firm)! What though dull Routine be fumbling Where the shortest form were long ? What though mawkish Cant be mumbling Non-resistance unto wrong ? What though in the hour of aetion Old men fill the place of young ? What thouch all the clogs of Faction On the State-machine be bung ? Be ail this and worse before us, Think we of the sires that bore ns, And all English hearts raise chorus— Firm! What though each sweep of Death’s sickle Mows our near and ones down ? What though Statesmen warn bow fickle Sways the crowd from smile to frown ? What though weight of new taxation Fall on backs hard press’d before ? What though Commerce to stagnation Turn, beneath the curse of War ? Be all this and worse before us, Think we of the sires that bore us, And all ~—_ hearts raise chorus— irm ! What though Russia be colossal ? What though Britain be but small ? ’Tis the cause moulds the Apostle— Hugest idols heaviest fall. More than navies, more than armies, Is the Power rules earth and sea— With the just cause still his arm is, And for that just cause stand we! Then, let what may be before us, Think we of the sires that bore us, And all English hearts raise chorus— Firm ! WHY ABUSE THE THAMES? [r is really very unfair of everybody to be always abusing poor old Father ‘Thames, who was originally a clean, respectable, well.conducted river, until we rendered him what he is by throwing dirt at him and into him, on all and from all hands. Father Thames may well turn round upon the public and exclaim, in the words of Norma (English version). “ See the wretch that thou hast made me.” For it is the public to whom the river is indebted for all the filth it contains. Not only do we pitch into it every thing in the shape of refuse, but we are continually “vitching into it” in the more familiar and pugilistic sense of the words. We might just as well throw a quantity of rubbish into our neighbour’s garden, and then begin abusing the poor garden as a nuisance, for which, after all, the remedy is in our hands. How can we expect the Thames to wear anything but black looks under the treatment to which it is exposed, for we should all of us wear a somewhat lowering aspect if we were to be per petually made a target for all the dirt that the Metropolis contains. An Unlucky Day. The Vorning Herald lately said : “The Praewien has stated that Friday, the usual supply day, shall not be @ supply day No! Has Lory Patmenston become so superstitious ?

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me en ee

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI.

AQUATICS.

Who is tuts? Why tas is Mr. Jonx Caus PULLING ONE OF HIS LONG, SLOW, STEADY STROKES. Hk Is TAKING MORE PAINS 4 THAN,USUAL, BECAUSE THOSE PRETTY GrRis IN THE Rounp Harts age sittise on THE LawN Drawrye rrom NaTURE. | “ONE TOUCH OF | NATURE.” Farren has left the stage. His farewell was marked by the ex- pression of public sym- pathy and admiration. [he audience were truly in earnest when they took leave of their old servant. The actor was surrounded by actors and. actresses —brothers and sisters all of the footlights. An incident, however, was particularly touch- ing; and, even as the} fountains leap into ex- istence at the Crystal Palace, it called up a gush of tears from ail assembled. Lt was par- ticularly affecting, be- cause the feeling was deep and uncountroll- | able, when J. P. Har- Ley (who has himself been some three-quar- | ters of a century a | public benefactor) flung himself in speechiess emotion on the neck of Farren ! Such |

<< = = Ses 7 SS = “ Ss SSS Anp—HERgE ake THe Giats iy THE Rounp Harts. Ss J. TNS

sympathy did honour Mr. Hartey, not only as a man, but as an actor—a very great actor. The effect he produced was so great, that we cannot but ask when will the inci- dent be repeated? May we inquire at what early day, on Ais retire- ment from the stage, will Mr. Cwanwes , Kean afford to Har- Ley another opportu- nity for a like demon- stration? We pause (a little impatiently) for a reply.

For “Notes and Queries.” Is Wiuson Patter, author of the Sunday Beer Act, any relation to Samvet Foore’s Piety in Pattens? If so, be good enough to state the degree, and

the particular line of | descent, by which | Patren’s Piety,as now represented, may be found “stopping” a Sunday bung-hole.

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ee ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Jotry 28, 1855. 8 eae wa) § H Sy) | a = _———s “ ;4 : - : en eames paar mmo rapa - 7 apie - - ve . Bt * . en -—— gaan ee = ~y ~ ~.. — — a7 a Ww, THE EXCURSIONIST AS MR. HALL WOULD HAVE HIM— THANK YOU, MR. HALL! its ~ Ma. Hatt, Curer Macistratz at Bow Sraeet, cannot piscover any ‘ INCONVENIENCE’ IN THE PRESENT WORKING Ov THE ACT BUT RECOMMENDS THAT THE POOR Sunpay ExcuRsioniIstT sHounp ‘Srraap A Kwarsack on ois Back, witn Two on Tues Borries OF Burr, axp THE CaILp To, BOOT, SOONER THAN THE SuNDAY SHOULD BE DesecaatTep By Ovenine tHe Pusiic-Houses,’ ”

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censure But the lz wintel that A which contri by nol could and sl what | extret censw Mr. ] Louis milita Treas’ that if Gover destrt sheite in cas would invite army than 1

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Jeux 28, 1855.] PUNCH, Ir was an elderly Whitebait, In a Greenwich boatman’s well, On his way to the fatal kitchen Of the Trafalgar Hotel. Around him in countless thousands, His hapless fellows press’d, And he knew the batter was mixing Wherewith they should soon be dress’d. And as the well-boat pass’d under Che Trafalgar windows wide, He might see the parties feeding On his brethren of the tide ! By his side swam an ancient Flounder, ‘Oh, heavily swam he, Of the water-souché thinking, Where sodden he soon should be! You might see the steam-boats landing Their crowds at the Greenwich pier, But little, I ween, those faces green Betoken’d of diner’s cheer. Oh! pale to be seen, or a sad sea green, Were the parties that sped away, From sewer-stain’d flood, and sewer-soak’d mu Over Greenwich pier that day ! Then loud langh’d the | wanetet, And his silvery tail ~ clear, As mark’d the hue, betwixt green and | ne, Of each river-sick passengere. And he turn’d to the ancient Flounder OR THE THE WHITEBAIT’S REVENGE. “ Cheer up, cheer up, old Flounder, And bear a stiffer tail ; He ’s no true fish that for dredge or dish Turns dull in a single scale. “The flour it is spread for my death-bed, The pan hisses hot for me ; By‘cruel men |’m doom’d to Cayenne, And devill’d I soon shall be ! “ But a fig for the smart and for Mr. Hart I die as my fathers died Ne’er a Whitebait yet of my family, But in batter he was fried. “T was bred by my sire to face the fire, And the lemon-juice so keen ; And calm to confront the scorching brunt Of the batterie de cuisine, “ Then if Whitebait can die so merrily, Oh, why should Flounder dread In souché of water, to perish a martyr On a verdant parsley bed ? “ Our friends of old no comfort had In the batter as they lay, Save the thought of the bill their devourers Would certainly have to pay— “ Save the thought of the bill, and how very ill, From cold punch and iced champagne, The gents who dined would probably find Themselves, when they left the train ; “ But thou and I, and our family-fry Have a friend our sires ne’er knew, In the nausea that rides the Thames’ rank tides, Which to eat us folks pass through. Oh, rank and rich, from the tidal ditch LONDON CHARIVARLI. “ An alderman’s self it can lay on the shelf With the he reveres ; And thinnerand thimner’twill make the dinner Ministeres. Where dine the “Oh, fouler it flows, and grosser it grows— Still fouler, and r still,— Till from Greenwieh hotels it more repels Than headache or dimner-bill. “ Soon the time will come that dark and dumb These coffee-rooms shall No = | 7a from those ¢ casements — i —. Pr | “ Or if Englishmen’s will be so potent still, That yet at those tables you find them, Ere arriving here, they ll have left, ’tis clear, Their appetites behind them ! “Oh, in batter to lie, neath a dull dead eye, That with hunger had gloated of old ! To defy the fork, that onee went to work, Ere a napkin you could unfold “To see his plate that once yearn’d for bait Push’d languidly away ! Instead of lust, to create disgust, Let bitters do all they may ! “Thus "twill be, I wis, and the hope of this, Is strong in the Whitebait’s heart— It nerves us to look with scorn on the cook, And defy him and all his art “ Ave, thought of this gives scorn to my hiss, Een out of the fi -pan, And I fold me all proud, in m batter shroud, And laugh at the hunger of man! That flopper’d at his side, And with cheerful grin, neath his belly fin, He poked him, and gaily cried:— A LOWE STYLE OF LOGIC. In speaking on Mr. Rogsuck’s motion, Mr. Lowe is reported to have said— “ Why, the House of Commons was now asked whether it would not pass a vote of censure on the Government of this country, and on the Emperor of Tue Faeywcu.” But Mr. Roesvuck pro to the House of Commons to censure the late Administration for “the sufferings of our army during the winter campaign in the C Crimea,” om the ground that the conduct of that Administration “was the first and chief cause of the calamities which befell that Army.” The Emrerorn by THE FRENCH in no way contributed to the starvation and ye our brave soldiers, except by not "insisting that they should not accompany his own. How could have done that, we would thank Mz. Lows to inform our readers, | and should also be glad if Ma. Lows would explain to the world by what means Louis Napo.zon could have become acquainted with our ext a want of military organisation. Mr. Rogsuck’s motion is, in Mr. Lowr’s opinion, a vote of aan on the Empzror or tuz Frencu, Ma. Lowe must consider | Mr. Rogsuck as calling upon the House of Commons to deciare that vis Naronzox ought to have been cognisant of our defective, military organisation, and of the want of concert existing between the | Treasury, the War Office, the Board of Ordnance, and the Admiralty ; that it was his place to represent these circumstances to the British | Government, and to protest that he would he no party to the destruction of British troops by cold, and want of food, clothing, and | shelter, at the side of the weil-cared-for and comfortable French. As if, | in case he had interfered in our affairs by any such representation, he | would bave been credited ; and as if, moreover, he would not have been invited to mind that business to which the condition of the French army last winter proves him considerably more capable of aitending than the ABerpeEn Society were of managing theirs. No, Ma. Lows, the condemnation of Lovis NaPotgoy is not involved in a vote of censure on the Batactava Mrnistey. A CHAPTER WITHOUT AN : Exp. —The Cathedral Chapter crying out | as usual for more Bishops. The stink comes steaming up! And well I wot there’s more headache in that | Than in punch or claret-cup. “Then cheer up, thou ancient Flounder, And like me bravely die—— ” The rest of the s he had spoken, But they put him on to fry! RESPECTABLE RASCALS. We are really beginning to be afraid of oupiinn the shape of peepee for recent events have shown us, that the ‘shape of respectability may very probably include the form alone without the substance. The cloak of religion seems to be nothing better than an extensive wrap-rascal, and we are afraid that we should find the garb of piety very often little better than a sort of moral Mackintosh thrown over the loose habits of the wearer. One of the latest instances of respectable rascality is that of a pious prig who has collected subscrip- tions for a number of ragged schools, and pocketed the p This gentleman will probably confess the weakness fof the flesh, allude to the human race in general as poor worms, and after a few "ebullitions of cant, will no doubt be received again with open arms by his puri- tanical brethren, and with “= pockets by his unfortunate victims. We wish that the public would open their eyes instead of their purses to those pious impostors, who are gettin hey now ‘as plentiful as blackberries,” or, more appropriately s ‘as thick as thieves.” The Rose and the Biver. Tue River doth offend the nerves Which sense affords to noses : The Thames, which the Lonp Mayopr conserves, Is no Conserve of Roses. A RUSSIAN MALADY. Tue Czar has been said to be in a decline. This rumour has been contradicted; but whether ALexaNDeR is in a decline or not, it is tolerably certain that his Empire is in a consumption. MUSCOVITE HOLINESS. Gortscnaxorr talks of “ Holy Russia.” Let us hope that the Allied \ rifles will make the Russian savages “ more » holy than righteous.” ee erento es ee eee ee eee a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 28, 1855. [Jury Pretend He) (5. yw ‘ a r ve SP WML Hah i> 4 +r} at ss + Ate (HH - = x4 fl =) "y H WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. lst Blackguard (aloud and with meaning). “ No wonder Doormats is cheap, Joey. PAM TO CHARLEY. [Private and Confidential.] “ Dean Caartey,—Let by-gones be by-gones: you shall have a shy | at the Russians yet. Next year, or at all events the year after, we shall have a beautiful fleet of gun-boats-—(the timber is already marked | for cutting im the New Forest)—and then you shall go in, my brave old boy, and smash the windows of the Czar’s Winter Palace, and pick up a bit of prize-money in St. Petersburg. How I should like to see one of your barns ornamented with doors of malachite! Hi like to see (and we all sha// see it) the spread eagle nailed like a weasel over those doors ! Bath; we are all anxious that you should have your bit of ribbon. You have no objection, I suppose, to meet BERKELEY (we must give him | Ais bit; for he worked very in his chair at the Admiralty), and so come and take your decoration (the Earldom will keep for a year or two; but that mws¢ come when Cronstadt has gone), and, if I can get an open day, we’ll have a snug little dinner at the Reform. When I say snug, | mean without any of the press-gang present to collar every syllable of the conversation. “ Ever yours, dear CHARLEY, Pam. “P.S. I’ve a new conundrum to tell you. I made it the other night whilst Rozpuck was firing away, and giving notice of impeach- ment. By the bye, I’ll give it you now. Why is Tower Hill like Hatcnerr’s? There!” CHARLEY TO PAM. “My Lorp,—As for your bit of blue ribbon, I wouldn’t say black’s the white of my eye for it. Instead of a bit of ribbon, I only wish Her Most Gracious Masesty (God bless her, and long may she reign!) would put a rope’s end into my hand, with leave to use it all round her Cabinet. My dear eyes! wouldn’t I give some of ye a starting! “ Never mnnd—I shall be alongside of you yet in the House ; for you can’t stand long; must go to bits, then may I be—but you know what I mean. And you think I’m to be bamboozled by another dinner, when you ’ve your gammoning-tacks aboard. Just take a round turn in that. No more of your gammon about my spring-lambs: you'll find me a lion, an old sea-lion yet,--and so I just give you warning, take care of my teeth, and keep clear of the lash of my tail. Your Disobedient Servant (to command), Caancey.” | Tue Movement IN c. (pivision).—We see Mra. Hutiat has just | published a “ ‘Treatise on the Stave.” We suppose it is dedicated to the Police in consequence of the striking and very superior powers of execution they have lately displayed with the Stave. How I should | AIRY AND LITERARY. It is in contemplation to lay down tubes from the General Post Office to various parts of London, and through them to propel the letter-bags by means of atmospheric pressure.” Every hour of our lives, in this wonderfal age, Some bran new invention our thoughts will engage - And the last (which I think leaves the others behind) Is to give to our letters the wings of the wind. "Neath our streets RowLasp Hutt has contracted, they say, Large tubes, cheek by jow! with the pipes, to lay ; Through which all our letters as swiftly will speed ’em, As the gas by whose light we’re enabled to read ’em. These letters, pater, I need scarcely explain, By the force of air-pressure will fly through the main, For which kind of propulsion, ’tis clear Vire1t meant his Expression “ Jactata per equora centis.” Come then sturdy Notus, and blustering Eurns, From all chances of failure assist to secure us; On Foreign Post nights lend a favouring gale ; And provide a Monsoon for each Over Mail. Blow! Blow! Wintry Wind, in those tubes if you can, And you ’ll still be more friendly and kindly than man ; Though in wafting our letters your blast may be rude, ) You must be an ill-wind to blow nobody 1 Soon! Soon! shall the Zephyrs and Row ayn conspi To feed the warm passion, and fan the soft fire ; _ For blowing a letter from Master to Miss, They ’ll make quite as easy as blowing a kiss. The merchant enraptured shall haste to prepare Price currents to float on these currents of air ; } And a blast of the Book Post shall do for the name Of each author far more than the trumpet of Fame. The timid perhaps may see reason to fear. That these tubes to the gas-pipes will still he too near ; And may dread lest some pestilent rate-seeking ass, Should cut off the letters mstead of the gas. | Bat one thought in the scheme all my confidence raises, Its success is secured by our singing its praises ; s For ’tis clear (and this maxim you can’t trust enough in) It is just the invention to prosper by puffing. } = — ———— = “ By the way, Cuarver, there is to be an Institute of the Order of the | JUSTICE IS (DIS)SATISFIED. | Lorp Campset. complains that the people of Kensington are prac- tically two days off from the delivery of their letters through the Post Office, because everybody (in Kensington) leaves home at 9 a™., and, as the letters are not delivered until half-past 9, and as nobody (in Kensington) thinks of looking at a letter when he returns home at night, everybody (in Kensington) is two days behind hand in corres- pondence with the world in general. This perhaps accounts for the of the Kensingtonians, who, as a body, have sometimes been considered the “ know-nothings ” of the Metropolitan suburbs. As | @ promise has been made to accelerate the postal communication with Kensington, we may expect that the wits of the inhabitants will be correspondingly quickened. For our own parts, we have found this secluded people to be a race of at least average intelligence; and, _— though the Mail may be dilatory, we do not think the people themselves | deserve to be considered as slow coaches. If the correspondence is not delivered in due time, we would suggest that the blame should be thrown on the right quarter; and that, if the letters are improperly detained, the well Post Office. The Opera Bank of England. Tue Morning Chronicle says :-— “ The Italian Opera House in the Haymarket has been named as the probable locale of the new West End Branch of the Bank of England.” If, by some magical process of digging and “ prospecting,” all the precious metal buried in the Opera House might be once again pro- duced, there would be ready money enough, and to spare, for all the purposes of the branch bank, without any supply from the city trunk. A Countsr-cuarce.—The fines levied upon dishonest Tradesmen | for using false weights and measures. litera scripta manet should be inscribed over the |

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a8 ric = ") 1? Jury 28, 1853.) PUNCH, OR THE Lé A NEW SYSTEM OF ATTACK. N — in and other out-of-the- wi would imagine that Dis- turber of the Peace of Private Families bad never penetrated, pianos have been found. Ifthe “op never such a terrible attack as that, and would retire as far as possible to get away from the ound of it. would be quife a love- | whisper compared to it.’| will not undergo the ceremony of complete coro- Only let them forward a girl’s-school | some way, satisfied. supporte three German professors | sixpence in the pound, then his Majesty pro- with a — forty-Broadwood power of Lirz, and our word for it, they would effectually clear the Crimea | sixpence is made five shillin INDON CHARIVARLE. 41 THE CORDON BLEU. DEDICATED TO THE HONOURABLE ALEXIS SOYER. Am—* The Minstrel Boy.” Tue Cordon Bleu to the War is gone, In the ranks of death you ’!! find him : His snow-white apron is girded on, And bis Magie Stove ’s behind him. “ Army Beef,” said the Cordon Bleu, hough a stupid bungler slays thee, Kertch, Sebastopol, ay places, where you vs Ry “alt One skilful hand thy steaks shall stew, Ags: an One artist’s shall braise thee.” those instruments of | pan torture out upon the; = The Cook went forth, and the foe in vain ramparts, and begin | On his pots and pans did thunder, playing upon them all He thieked thin gravy, he sauced the plain, at once. The Allies And he sliced coarse lumps asunder. would infallibly raise And he eried, “ A Cook can defy, you see, the siege. They would \ Commissariat’s knavery ; e able to stand The Soldier who saves a Nation free, Should have a Ration savoury.” The King of Portugal. We understand that the Kine or PortuGgaL The “din of war” bring | nation, until all Portuguese bondholders are, in This is at once delicate full practice, well| and conscientious on the part of his Majesty. ¢ by two or When the bondholders have received two-and- 1 of the| poses to be half-crowned; when the two-and- , the king will in less than a day. Depend upon it, it would be the last thing heard of the Siege of! undergo the other moiety the ceremony, Sebastopol. | | WHO IS A TRAVELLER? Tue evidence given by the London magistracy before the Sunday | Beer Act Committee, has been very imperfectly reported in the news- papers. Very many interesting most suggestive questions, with the most pregnant and instructive replies, have been wholly suppressed, and s sadly garbled. For instance, Str Ropzrt Canvey, Alder- man, has by no means had justice ‘done to him. It is true that he was faithfully reported when he declared his desire to introduce everywhere the Maine Liquor Law; he himself standing apart from the operation of the enactment. Sim Rosert, we understand, would not only close every public-house for ever and for ever, (the City companies have their own cellars), but would condemn every publican, in penance for his past sins, to work gratis at any fire-engine required by any fire. Sin Ropeart himself is worthy of being appointed turncock to creation, for his evi- | dence was “one wishy, washy, everlasting flood” of water—Thames- water. There is an over piety at which t people are fain to hold the nose. ‘Towards the conclusion of Sr Ropert’s evidence the com- mittee indulged in copious lustrations of eau-de-Cologne ; and, at. its termination it was found necessary to fairly sluice the committee-room with vinegar before continuing the proceedings. However, we have noted the error of omission m certain points of evidence delivered by Police Magistrates, and shall proceed to supply them. Bow Srazzt Examrvzp. By the Chiattrman, Do you consider a swallow a traveller ? Bow Street. Certainly not. Chairman, No? Why, it is known that the swallows, following a certain law, leave us every fall, and return every spring. Surely, swallows are travellers ? Bow Street. I should not hold them travellers. If they go abroad, it is for their own pleasure ; and to travel for pleasure, cannot be—as | should interpret the act—4ond fide traveiiing. By Mr. Villiers, As we have touched upon the lower range of animal life—do you consider a honey-bee a traveller ? Bow Street. Certainly : because a y-bee is out upon business and therefore I should think it wrong to shut up all the flowers the whole of the Sunday against him. 1 think, however, with my friend Sr Ropext Carvey that, on the Sabbath, it would be a pious example, if even the bees carried on their oecupation without singing: the same might apply—on their Sundays out—to skylarks. I have y tend some righteous people, on their way to and from church, much seandalised by | the out-door singing of skylarks. Wokrsarp Street Examrvep. ~ Chairman. Do you consider the Sea Serpent a bond fide tray ? and enjoy a crown complete. Worship Street. By no means. By the Chairman, State your reasons to the Committee. Worship Street. A bond fide traveller is a traveller far away from his usual place of abode. Now, the Sea Serpent cannot, I humbly suggest, be a traveller; because anywhere in the ocean the Sea Serpent must be considered quite at home. (Sensation.) Lampetn Street EXaMryep. By the Chairman, You are a reader of SHaKksPraRe ? Lambeth Street. 1 have some knowledge of that individual. By the Chairman. Do you know Puck ? Lambeth Street. l have seen him, with considerable satisfaction, at Sadler’s Wells. By Mr. Villiers. Do you consider Puck a bond fide traveller ? Lambeth Street. That very mach depends upon his occupation at the | time. By the Chairman. ¥or instance : which the fairy king Oberon commands Puck to fetch him that western flower?” The flower— “ Before milk-white, now purple with love's wound, And maidens cal! it love-in-idleness?” You remember Obrron’s commission? He bids Puck hence “ Fetch me this herb, avd be fhou here again, Ere the leviathan can swim a league.” you remember that passage, in little The passage is familiar to you ? Lambeth Street. \t is. have not a very, very good memory)—Puck makes answer— “T'll put a girdle round about the earth In forty minutes.” If I may trust my memory, those are the very words. Chairman. Very good. Now, under suc should you not consider Puck a bond fide traveller ? Lambeth Street, Oh, dear no! Quite otherwise. Mr. Villiers. Be good enough to state your reasons. Lambeth Street. Certainly. You will concede that Puck is the agent, the mere agent of Oberon: you will also allow the validity of the old law maxim—Qui facit per alium, facit per se ? Chairman. \t is not disputed. Lambeth Street. Now, a bond fide traveller is one who is compelled to travel for business ; but the journey undertaken by Puck for is master cannot be so ~~ oe Mr. Villiers. Why not? _ Lambeth Street, Because, it is a journey commanded by Oberon simply that he may obtain the means of vexing his wife ; and being en with such intent cannot, [ submit, be consi as any other than a journey of pleasure. [fl may trust my memory (for I confess, I ressing circumstances, } | | SURAT ay 3 ormmengueenaprerqruaaremaagy depen

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— _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Jury 28, 1855. , 1560. Street, in the Precinct of Whi ef.iars, in the City of London, amd Published by them at Ne. 3, Mi Hest Evans, of No. 2, Queen's Roa! West, Regent's Park, both in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, Fieet Street, in the rarish cf St, im the City of

shilo, Wen

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mors Rea for | not usually conspicuous. | | | recognised forms of British devotion), having been re-constructed, Avevst 4, 1855.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 43 TEMPTATION TO PARENTS ————— —— I only a feast, but a per- fect glut to the eyes of t out for an eligible op- portunity of eaucating t t who doing the thing at the lowest possible figure, t must be a temptation worthy of the great tempter himself, which alleges that gentlemen are boarded, clothed, and educated at £15 per annum.” Allowing five pounds a-year for the mere necessary articles of dress, and another five pounds for the educa- tion, there is a balance f eight pounds for “t ulow something about sixpence per day, ex- clusive of which are probably not very plentiful in this “eligible” establish The next advertisement offers an inducement to the parents of those young ladies who cram down bread and butter by the quartern loaf, astonish a joint, make a round of beef look entler sex is The invitation to this class of young ladies is comprised in Here at least the female cormorants may “peg away ” to their hearts’ content, or rather, to the full satisfaction of their stomachs. In another foolish, and perform other feats of gormandising for which the the significant words “food unlimited.” AND GUARDIANS. advertisement we find the amiable dodge resorted to, and the re-opening of the school is announced by the intimation that the “young friends will re-assemble on the —th instant,” while an | allusion is happily thrown in as to the extent | of the “ pros We recollect going to see a boy who been sent to a school on the | coast, on the strength of a glowing description of the “sea*view;” but on inquiry we found that this marine luxury was only to be obtained from the top of one of the tallest chimneys of the house, to which, of course, the pupils were not allowed the entrée, after the act for the abolition of climbing boys had come into | operation, At another establishment the pupils are pro- | mised the treat of conversing “ with a resident native”—an animal that is Seqnently spoken | of in the zoology of cheap boarding schools. The next scholastic advertisement that strikes our eye is one in which “the principal abstains | from unnecessary enlargement.” Does he pledge | himself not to get too fat, or does he intend to convey the idea, that the supply of food to the pupils will be so copious as to demand a check upon the over-corpulency of the inmates of the establishment. We might continue our specimens of scholastic advertisements through several columns of our publication ; but we must be satisfied with one more illustration of the variety of modes of supply with which the demand for education is met at holidays, the present season. The instance to which we allude is an offer to barter a given quantity of learning for a given quantity of grocery, and to exchange so much Latin Greek for so much teaand sugar. Of course, if a batch of Twankay should turn out to be half of it broom, the un- happy pupil might expect to be paid out with birch as an equivalent, LE Times offers, not hose who are looking heir offspring. To he parent or guardian is desirous of hat advertisement “ young he board, which would ment. happily PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. July 23, Monday. The “ Religious Worship Bill” (as it is entitled, in order to show that it does not refer to mmon-worship, or any other d the Lords. The Eart or Dersy still showed himself greatly | interested in it, and was eager to know, “whether it would prevent divine service from being carried on in the ball-room of an inn.” His lordship has, it is understood, a curious plan for combining rage-balls and religion; and he intends to officiate as something between Steward and Deacon, and to stand at the door, for the collection, holding one of the plates his horses have won. : In the Commons the Nuisances Removal Bill was read a third time ' and passed. It is to be hoped that it will be amended in the Lords, to | This crying nuisance ou t not to be forgotten. 0 the extent of a clause suppressing Street Cries, which are represented to Mr, Punch as rendering great part of London quite uninhabitable. New writs were moved, Siz Wit1taM LESWoRTH, through the happy release of Lorp Joux_ Russert, having become Colonial Secretary, and Sir Bensamin Hat, through the promotion of his colleague, having be- come Chief Commissioner of Works. Mr. Laie expressed a wish to have another debate on the Viennese Conferences, but Lonp PaLmer- ston told him that there was no time for anything of the kind; and, that if he had stayed in the House and minded his business, he would have heard a great deal of discussion on the subject. The Turkish Loan then came up again, and no opposition was offered to it, except some speeches. Mz. Baicut complained that the London press “ brow- beat anybody who spoke reasonably on the War.” He should not call out before he is hyrt—when fe speaks reasonably on the War, we will attend to him; meantime, as the explanation of the word “ brow-beat,” | is “to assail with arrogant speech and dogmatic assertions,” we—but surely Mz. Baicut, though a Quaker, keeps such a vanity as a looking- glass. Mr. Layarp urged the great importance of supporting Turkey in Asia Minor, and ¢ his fear lest the Russians should take Kars. The majority of the Members had no idea what he meant, and won- dered why the Russians might not take cars as we take cabs ; but, when he gave Mz. Giapstone a good castigation for “ unstatesmanlike and unpatriotic conduct” in trying to defeat the loan, they were pleased. In the course of the debate, Giapstone called himself one of the di minores ; but, to the classical mind of Mr. Punch he more resembled one of the dii selecti name Janus the double-faced. Mr. Paix wanted to know, how the ernment intended to carry on the War, and whether they intended to do it properly, to which Freprgick Peex VOL, XXIX. F replied, that they bad intended to do it properly, and he would not tell him how. A long squabble about the eternal Scotch Map succeeded ; and Lonp Seymour charged Government with having “ cheated” the House into ordering a chart on a large scale for the convenience of the landed pro rietors of Scotland. Lorp Jonnw Russext, thinking the subject had something to do with Magna Charta, was going to make a speech, but was undeceived, and did not. Tuesday. There was a small row in the Commons, as might have been expected. Lonp Patmenston had done a bit of neat jockeyship. As Mr. Puach wentioned, the week before last, the Irish members had been compelled by their priests and the more ignorant part of their con- stituents, to threaten the Government with hostility if a mischievous clause were not restored to the Tenants’ Compensation Bill. So Pam, of course, put it back, and obtained Irish support against Ma, Roesuck. Then, danger being over, he throws over, oo. the Tenants’ Compensa- tion Bill altogether. Whereat the Hibernians made » clamour regularly “ done.” A knot of selfish capitalists are op which a comparatively poor man may productively, without being exposed to ruin, as he is by the present partnership law. Lorp Patmenrston is fighting for the reform, very manfully, and this day he beat the obstructives by two to one; and on Thursday he told them that they might try, by all the forms of the House, to prevent the nation from obtaining what it was felt would be a great benefit, but if they liked to talk against time until September, he would keep them at it, and then he them again by 121 to 40. The House was counted ouf before dinner, and Arstey PeLiatt was reckoned up in it ; the manly exercise of a Count being one in which he is always mixed up, actively or passively. 2 revanche, on Wednesday. Avstxy tried to resist the going into committee on the Union of Contiguous Benefices Bill, and was ren by 70 to 47. Sime Witiram Cray announced, that he must withdraw his Church-rate Abolition Bill for the session, as its op ts were availing themselves of the forms of the House to get rid of a measure they could not resist by argument. Twice, therefore, this week, men trying to do good have broken their shins over the Forms of the House. If these forms are not pushed up to the wall, out of people’s way, Mr. Punch may feel it necessary to order them out al : Thursday. The Lords cut away at real business, the only discussion being whether the Irish Cons ought to be employed for excise purposes, in regard to the sale of spirits. Decidedly the policeman’s | staff and the ganger’s, are two distinct things, and the former officer’s , being ing the valuable measures by enabled to invest Ais capital |

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44 PUNC H, OR THE LONDON CHARIV ARL [Avevst 4, 1855. business is with bangs, not bungs. Besides, spirits are often above proof, but Wr. Punch bas seldom heard of a policeman who was above proving anything that he was ordered to prove. {n the Commons, Mason Regep asked Lonp Patmerston a very proper question, namely, whether in the event of peace being m during the recess, he would call Parliament together before ratif ing the terms. To which Lorn Patwenston — with one of his pieces of courteous impertinence, namely, t if anything ate rendering it necessary to eall Parliament t together, he should feel it his duty to do so. An Education vote of £296, am mm de a previous vote, about at England, ‘with a collected national revenue of sixty millions, can afford to spend on the three hundred and eighty t edueation of her children—was then taken, as was an Irish vote for the same purpose. There was a debate in whieh rather more sense was talked upon the subject than usual—which is perbaps not saying much. the locality being remembered. Friday. In the Lor BrovenaM came out’again in his old? charac- ter of “ our Heway.” declared himself to be an attached friend of the Church of England, and an oppouent of Di but he intro- duced a bill for sweeping away about 100- old acts against religionists of other convictions his own. in the Commons, Mn. Giapstoxg renewed his attempt to embarrass the Government and insult our French Ally, in stieenes to the —— loan, but he was tackled by almost as subtle a or ag as himself, Solicitor General, and may, “in the language of Schl ” (in which he delights), be said to have cotched it rather. of a good understanding between ourselves ~e & Ly moe ny by the inability of the House of asaaniaee Sasates ,~yx of the Freach word, by which it was i : to rat no success! allies lies“ severally.” The Loan, however, met wit the | t Re Committee on the Sunday Beer Bill having reported that it | | devices Allies, M | ought to be altered, the preparatory steps were taken for that This is Wr. Punck’s doing. THE COMPLAINT OF CHEMISTRY, (To Mr. Punch.) 1n,—I om 9 young fo sciences, you know, are a and ail sisters. You r. a case of TET i =a ge § g : [ f abekieg Fixtf 47 i F ti . ee arnt itege sbstct EG B E i F ; 4 r 5 #E i i : i desi t i | possibly ; chlorate pee, ny ecphete press into t = Sentient aa me ancillary to the su and-by they will arrive at the ane ae Be gE ps “ Albemarle Street, July, 1855. DANGER IN DOWNING STREET. Loox out, my Patwerstoy—look out, my CLarENpoy, Look out, my MoLesworta—clean-sweeping new broom— Now that you ‘ve got your long session and barren done, Now lungs have breathing-time, elbows have room— Would you clap stoppers on out-of-door movements, Take the wind from the sails of Lows, Layarp, axp Co. ? There ’s an opening for work in Westminster improvements — Out with plumb-line and trowel—with pick-axe and crow. Read the Report of the Commons’ Committee,— The Report on the Downing Street Offices’ Bill,— And rotten as banks may turn out in the City, You’! find public offices rottener Sreanas, Pau, ayy Bares may be Titans in robbery, In private seeuritics driving a trade ; But row has been mild to what you ll have of bobbery, Till public commty surer be made. First, the old F Office is awfall tottery, Its aan oan d, its walls all awry: Its peuing o sung apts Tf the f of the roof yey le > What piles of foul litter from basement to attic What dust, meant in Jonn Buit’s carte te @eves '— What red-taped and decketted lies ie Which, but for that smash, never daylight had known! muster, case! What rieketty tie-beams, now made to And clench British interests in criti What under-pinned clerks’ rooms—a tumble-down cluster, By family ‘Puttressing scarce kept i : lace ! What eracks gaping ow ae iw should be shut out ! What should be \et in! What worn-eaten sl ri da were iit old be What veneering where good two-inch oak were too thin! When all this is set right, if you ve pack to hagin 5,2 The Colonial Office may next elaim your Come Sra WitiaM, aie show what a Moe's w worth, this minute, Burrow down to its roots, and let in light and Your function, at once, one for Draco and Seen ts is, In cutting out old work and up new For amateur builders have work’d at the Colonies, Till a.nine state of things Day lave brought matters to, ber gy 1 coe oe ying his rule of Procrustes, he og dees more to measures than men— *T will be key for you toor if Gury’ Guev’s work the worst is— If his building was rotten, his pleas were ment well— But take warning from him,—as at schemes architectural, In your office onl soon have to do what you can— Trend no Gane Seatol wisdom sublimely conjectural, Sel ernst pas ae ere sot ae. Thea to work with you, Parwerston, CLakespox, MoLeswortu ; In modelling reet use recess— "Tis the desperate task shows the stresuous soul's worth ; Think how Hercuezs dealt with the Augean mess. when new Downing Street challenges censure, Po Si and Resign, ane rown experience, next year you may venture On like work in Parliament Street and Whitehall. & Turkic Head Bosom for o Vatican Spides. _ Scancery or ys from Russian the unfortunate Saltan from The Porz is about to | Buoy to the vacant see of Constantinople.” There the Sea be in- called, in maps, of Marmora ; arte! should, on his arriv: ATHER ducted thereinto by the Tur pases, we trust Holy Prvs will not be severe on a mere clerical error, Connect Measvxement.—Tell me how many Ladies’-maids a Lady ‘has had, and I will tell you her temper. aot Ge bo See & eee - ae & eet ee ee a er: a ee @ @ & cf of of eh mm mee 7 Ow L2eereredgy ws

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| Aveust 4, 1855.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 45 WHAT TO EAT, DRINK AND AVOID. drink nothing, and avoid everything in the —-_ of meat or drink, while the present state of things exists. The evidence being taken before a Committee of : a ie : = 5 hee made Be weg ont of Oe tara, So ee Se be the case, if there were anything ‘ t , A other expedients to increase the ; ure 0 of chalk, so that. it really requires a knowledge of ehemistry to distmguish one from ineeiy went & tee Se cose ae ws & é Bi e were never very partial ; nor is our r them mn p Bont yoy ed fF the evidence of Doctor Tromso, Professor of Chemistry at St. Thomas's | Hospital, that the ultimate destination of every horse’s ton is, that it shall be hme nay ony odk vl aay Sag m tnwe tee our we ght we ave taken, perhaps, three or four Orses tongues into our in the deceitful guise of sausage-meat. We feel seriously disposed after evidence before the to turn vegetarians, or total abstainers from everything in the shape of food. Evem our tea, which we thought was at the most a compound of sloe and bireh is said to consist of at t iron filings, and some stuff called catech‘i, which is more fit for a cat to chew, than for abuman being to swallow. We wonder what the teatotallers will think of the fact, that they have been consuming tons of iron, to say nothing of the catecht sy aoa messes, of which the cup that queers but not imebriates is found to com: A CHINESE INUNDATION. Tue last advices from Melbourne announce that 14,000 Chimamen have lately now to be supplied with what phy “av ».” Some- how or other the Cheon are not receiv Tak mah exthunioon by the — and it is said that a law is to be passed to exelude the umweleome strangers, it is evident that by shutting the door on the Chimese, the authorities would | the door te a great evil. One of the complaints agaimst the Chinamen is, that take more than their fair share of watcs,, wash Way probably require for their ren tea. Victoria must be badly off indeed for it is apprehended that the thirst of the Chinese will occasion a dro e totallers to get through more than his gallon of the el every cae of tho SA000. Chistian to be also unep Satan dis eontente of » Boaeate size Beery there are surely sufliciemt sourees from which this draim ou the and wholesome character, the will begin to think of diggin water instead of digging’ perpetually for the precious metal. It will be mdeed a sad lesson to the money-grubbing population of Victoria if it should come to pass that water in pimts should prove a more really desirable acquisition than gold nm quartz. Sm Caarues Narrer angrily refuses to be aG. C. B. We thought he was one already,—Gaanam’s Cross Boy. the other; and, if we mix u our crust with our slice of Cheshie, we may be| | LINES BY A SCOTCHMAN, ‘of which, walked into the colony with the eable amnouncement that “all the restare coming after them.” Victoria is said to be im want of jon, aud the want is 5, a Om reading the following startling announcement in a weekly Paper. “ The Liberal Seotch Members entertained the Loxp ApvocaTE at a , Whitebait dinmer at Greenwich om Wednesday.” to ken their names—the noddies ! though, oor M.P. was clear 0’t: He’s name 0’ sicean thriftiess bodies. The Leeberal cause I’se huld the main thing x. us thack and rape thegither ; im Opmion ’s ane thing, And leeberal in bawbees pat ng De Sa ast 1m reeht wae to hear o’t : P se wad, Members, at a Greenwich dinner, Whose cost sets e’en pock-puddings grumbling !— It maun be Hastie—the auld sinner— That maa a Scotchman !—it’s just humbling ! Starting aff Seots—like wud sky-rockets— 0 sinfu’ feastings doon the river, To the sair emptying 0” their pockets, Forbye derangements o’ the liver. | Yet the backsliding’s no that utter, When ye tak tent 0” the chief dishes. Whitebait to kitchen bread-and-butter— It’s teepical o’ loaves an’ fishes. That thoeht a’ my objections closes An’ the fac’ reads like a description, How leeberal Israel dined auld Moses After his spoilin’ the Egyptian. Nae pootom freens, —r their nation, i Hastie, gastronomy, Wed bald their looboral eelebeation W? due attention to economy. in Soe yy in cit is— ough deeners waur ar For patriotic as ar Boot is, j He ’!] no b twice at Trafalgar. So that im boands the lawings kept are, Leely raliom folks gie a loose to Let Scots uphaud the and Sceptre— It’s a gram’ ery—and a cheap hoose, too. = A DESPOT IN GRAIN. Krxe Boma is making himself disagreeable in his smal! way. It is asmall way as regards ourselves and our Allies for Bowsa cannot constitute a great nuisance to any body that is not im his clatehes, as Porno is, the — ive of this a n — — , — ———?e t \ grain to our in t Yrimea ; a line Shey whiet all the mills in his dominions with grist, will his more grinding than ; his Majesty refused to let[us have any of his brimstone; and no doubt he persists f in withholding from us that unpleasant but necessary bstance. Poxrrumaus had only one eye; but with the be with such a ee the present ruler of the land in. is to be wished that he were still extant, to take this small ign by the nape of the neck, and flmg him either into or a league or two off Sicily into the sea. Cannot and France, between them, default of tor: contrive to pitch Bomba into next week? As to the grain which he has to deny us—why Mx. Eisenzenc, sup- ish ty on tg very soon succeed Tue wits of Fazpesicxk Witt have gone Berlin wool-gathering. The colour of the King’s proceedings can no longer pass under the denomimation of neutral tint ; and affairs in the quarter of Sans Souci are looking decidedly (Prussian) blue. one gla Wen 8m mee secs

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e Avevst 4, 1855. L -_— ———- *q0¥jUOO UT ONO 0} Q[QRIT ST WIGOTOD PTO AZVIO O]} YOU YPLA SOPOHIB JOqYIO 10 ‘sysod-dinyy oy ysurese A];eMOTSHOOO puY ,‘ayNIwIS 4} JsTIUs Kuq] SMOAV]Y QUOT UO UVA pappLs v yA stTodoajout oy} Baryvy “nqwueiod soy sBuryTys Apsoy pou puv dn 4ysnosq wvUIGOBOD | SMOAVP G@UOTT OY} 008 04 ORI] ous *poqruny iv SOPOIYOA YOU OF FYStoY OY} IBAO 5) uIM00 a qoe on I 39 OMLOD JOU SBOP YOROK, O4NAG Aq} FAR INS YOU OW Om cyudlort | Q1v SUVA SaSIWOape wy} MON “Snonordsuoo wooq suy Aj OY} YOU IOJ SOOUVSTHU PUY SOTTETOO; JONIO OYA puY YoRTHTY ug “IM AOUIOTONPG YA JNO oUF oavy 07 9yFN0 ‘qoWO) SMOAVY GUOTT OG} TO xv} JoqRIMy Ane Avd «{ UK OLN ,NIMOLIG V @W, KTHL ANV ‘SNVAG AO ISEN V OLNI LOO BA, SAA | MOVE “ATLIVAA MOVE [| MOMIOT j IT | VOTIOTL,, = — , aah =i)\ O} SOSNJOI YOTYA WOPSTA OY} JO UOTPWITIPY IMO SFoJTOO OMA =| SITY JO JNO UY patozySiay ‘qywap 07 wry Yooys qt osuwoaq ‘yr “QJOTYOA OFVIS OG} Jo Furjpol oy} Aq yno wsywYs 10 poysep | Ul opts OF posnyos OY UY} PUNOIS oy} Wo ‘ajoIYoA PO 94) WO XB} Oq OSTAIONIO FYTIMI—ndvo sry jo s}]UEzUCO JOyY}O JO—suIVAG | oy) Avd 0} SASNjol AANGIQ WOAVPY AUO'T-Xq “Up ‘“pvarqued QSOYAM “TWLOFO FUT OF PAVNFajVs V SY PEPMAzUT ST 4I JY} OAIGO | -WIT UMO SFT [[B Woz Sey Je, YOVOO 4TIF B Jo avoy 0} yoodx? | -19l MOM Om FUG—JHnUl ArVUTpsO OY} JO O1;wUIITQUIe OS—aTy UI | MOOS AvUL OM PUL “sp¥oy TAO JIOq} Jo Furywo sass0y Jo pavoy POshO SVAL PLOY SMHONVUMAAAAY OG AYA PoIOPTOM WOIJO 9AA | OAV OAA = “SPITIVG OYy JO SpueG oq) Aq saoa1d 04 UI0) oq TTI | opajryruat oq} Jo Speay oy 0} TO Joued sevpB-aquld oy, qsnosyy | aorjoa oy) IYI ‘st AqyIqeqord oy] ‘07 ONTOO st yuUOMEZUNIZE TY | *pavasog-oowut “Sutty yUos 10 ‘sue S.WOAVPY THO'T 04} OFT | ssofan puv ‘Led 07 soy] Apoqow Yorym xvq w sprVztta qr 105 ‘YPM poyoyd UAONVIENANAY OY} 9S 0} PozOOdK OAUY, OA PUB B] I UUT} OLOM 4800 0} Stitsos OUTYORM Plo Satzequeny sty, ‘TTPGPIIND 04 Youorg e7eIg 244 Ul TOYe} UOyA TayWYs [fom WIT} W99S DAT] OM SB “AY OF p suy OT} poryid woyo Oavy OA “HOVOO @LVIS ALIO WAL “STOIYSND PO AZAIpP SH YPM Poqos o7ejs sIy poerios pure ‘sym = === “MILD duno Anor "NVO-NVY 31GVLHYOAWOO Y—'SOILYNDV (hy NI) Wile Ni nA XN -=

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TIO CVUMICES VU BME VR GAA WEDUIVEEA WIM SUEUR FV VEE 48 VV: | *Ms MOECEESO 16 SHOUUR HI bO GCALD, TPIS MLOUEU filth OUL UF Lid PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avevsr 4, 1855. ee ia 4 \ wa ; L. ARMY Apase ~" M NUX VOMICA = ——_—__ Sa, th | TASTER of BR. : Pues Sa ENN |] ; RED 3 OZ yy | i 3 LEAD ee ———— THE USE OF ADULTERATION, Little Gril. “TF YOU PLEASE, SIR, MOTHER SAYS, WILL YOU LET HER HAVE A QUARTER OF A POUND OF , YOUR BEST TEA TO KILL THE RATS WITH, AND A OUNCE OF CHOCOLATE AS WOULD GET RID OF THE BLACK BEADLES?” —.

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Aveust 4, 1855.] THE ILL-USED POLICE. Tue police, who acted in so noble a manner on Lorp GrosvENor’s Sundays out in Hyde-park, have been most shamefully scandalised. It is plain that a conspiracy has been formed against the members of the body, especially those important members lettered A. For instance, one witness avows that he saw policeman A 20 assault an old ‘gentleman, beating him on the head with a truncheon; whereas, if we are to believe A 20 (corroborated by a ether or two of the force), it was the old gentleman, or old ruffian rather, who assaulted A 20, beating him on the head with a kitchen poker. Again, 380 A is accused of beating a little boy with his truncheon across the back and shoulders; whereas 380 A is ready to wh beat him the most damnifying evidence that it was the brutal little ! We have no doubt, too, that ere the inquiry _— it iE that many rf the policemen were most terribly assaulted by f mostly girls. Two cases of great cruelty of have come to our know that of a policeman six feet two —a scintillation from the og Isle—a purest ray serene from Connemara—who is at this moment in bed, from a concussion of the | brain, inflicted pA a yume —. a parasol. Another is suffering from a afan. These offenders—they have escaped ae: a — = fractures 4 on their track—are said to be —— A — Tog ployed i J a fashionable house, famous for late me = are t - unreasoning temperament of Saas, Saas ee mith the ua t can be prove V4 at eel call out to the How. Aveustus Firztir, then on his bay hack,—“* Go | to church!” in the boldest manner, a and I’ll go with you.” | The police have — very scandalised: but at length | truth is about to be peer tial has been the appearance | of a legal who here anwe forward to depose to the excessive | urbanity the alt sw wot whilst, if we are to believe the testimony of a _ clergyman now out of employment (will not Lorp Grosvenor give | him a cure?) the truncheons of the police were rather pleasant to con- | sider than otherwise. sausages, you might have cat in the land of promi milk and exuding honey. So much | has public reacted i aid of the libelled police that there is | some yo im: the brave fellows with a Hyde Park | medal ; GrosvENok’s i on one side, and on the other an | empty A 4 “ Grosvenon’s Sunday Out” will be engraven on | the exergue.

PORTRAIT OF THE PARTY IN THE TIGHT COLLAR, SPECKLED TROUSERS, AND a cry of LONG COAT, WHO SO MUCH IMPEDED THE MOVEMENTS OF THE POLICE. See Evidence on the “ Hyde Park Inquiry,” July 2A. a Asistocracy at a Discount. in value, if we are to judge by hg anemone Shing Peron, bie ‘s y to a Sirpenny Knightage with Sauirearehy st » still lower fizu re. We have been told by Waxpore that “ every man has his - P but when the whole Peerage sls af ailing, lametable i present price of humanity must have fallen.

CompirwextTary.—To likeness of Women ; oe De tke He ae Men. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON . German eaten them; not trancheons of Seas wood, but truncheons firm —— | reflect how low the sists i teioe have borrowed the Mowry Marxrt asp Sawttany CHARIVARI. 3 HOW TO CLEAR THE KITCHEN. Ovr attention has been called to a new process of cooking by gas, which may be considered a real advance in the art of Gas-tronomy. One peculiarity of the arrangement is, that you ney cook all your meals at once, which will be an economy of fuel; and, of course, if you eat them all at once, an economy of time will ‘be eff You may illu- minate a leg of mutton, light up a chop, and throw a sufficient glare on a steak, from one moderate jet of gas, to cook the whole in a very | satisfactory manner. Another remarkable advantage of the process is, | that you may turn your leg of mutton into a sort of chandelier, for you may | jus ust as well hang up 3 your apparatus to your ceiling, and you will thus ight your room and cook your meals at the same t. It is true that the poaniie many B will cook half» a things at once, -y sons, per oe oe accomplish the (sometimes desired) object of a variety flavour. hail the invention ag ‘one that will give an impetus to the cali art, and ultimately enable every man to beco is own cook ; so that he may use his own discretion about robbing himself by selling the perquisites, instead of leaving it to that very doubtful dependency—the honesty of his domestic,

—— | PRUSSIA’S COACHMAN, Iw a book of French Anecdotes we have met with the following :— “ Whilst the Kive ov Pavssta was y= ae D’ ALEMDERT, & servant entered the apartment. D’ ALewpert seemed to be struck with his <a and, in truth, he was « fine, tall, stalwart fellow, as di asan of F grenadiers, ‘ That's the finest man in my kingdom,’ said the King. o wanlke come Gnd my coachman, — I seriously thought at one period of ae 4 him as my ambassador to &t. ‘etersburgh.

Things have changed since then. Prussia has no longer the whip- hand of Russia. On the contrary, we rather think it is Russia now that drives Prussia. We only wish Frepertcx WILLIAM would try the experiment of sending his coachman to St. Petersburgh. It is our opinion that AtgxaxpgeR would order the Coachman back to Berlin with orders “ to take His ey a waned drive to Siberia.” Lord John Russell's Coat of Office. We understand from a reliable eaves-dropper in Downes Street, 'that the coat of offi ce which Lon Jomm has lately left off wearing, | will shortly be on view at Natuan’s the Costumier, it being found ‘leet i rota open We are told inspection a ty-coloured a Se Pease Bockeey rt, wile th head of its late wearer, 5 ‘ appearance of having been much laughed in. The Courts of Hymen and Cupid. ne Admiralty Court appears to be doing a strange sort of business. “According to tho Tomer “ The Court sat for a short time only, and disposed of motions and assignations.” Dx. Lusutyetox

: fi tat ate i E aEeat

, on matrimonial causes, as every diction dade enc tds Sohne ah a that h jarisdiction includes wooing as well as and that he not only marriages, but i Affecting Anecdote. “ Stedsh /

Cleansed of his Errors, Aw aquatic enthusiast, who hes jest seturned Soom the Cold Water Cure, says he has had quite enough of i ane Pe be is Tey teed with the water and the : day long.

INTELLIGENCE all deposits is the deposit of the Banks of the Thames.

~*

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[Aveust 4, 1855. A SONG OF SUMMER. BY A SOLICITOR. I stxc of summer the delights, Its cloudless days, its balmy nights : The time when Sol his fiercest burns, And the Assizes’ heat returns. Now by the side of placid brook The angler plies his sharpest hook ; But they in Court for fees who dangle, Show more acuteness in their angle. Now, too, with hand all quick for catches, At Lorp’s the cricketer plays matches ; But when a Lord’s in Chancery caught, There’s more excitement in the sport. ’Tis sweet in summer-time to hear The skylark singing, loud and clear : Yet sweeter ’tis the charge to state, “ Attending hearing—Siz-and-eight.” Tis sweet to contemplate the play Of schoolboys making holiday ; But sweeter far the pales ion Of the approaching Long Vacation ! } | A Narrow Escape. | Iv is very lucky that Messrs. Sraamay, | | Paut, asp Co., at the time of their breaking, | | did not hold Page Pg ee of x tl or Fm Principalities the dozen might have been PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARF. fe pe, A | many a German Kingdom would have to | “Oh, the Reserdere—" Hamlet, Act iii., Seene 2. | part probably with its last Sovereign. terror,” and the seared Archbishop, that much has been done beyond | LE DIABLE A PARIS. ' making some unpleasant smells, and spoiling some expensive carpets, ae but we have instructed a correspondent to report, should any further Tue Parisians have taken to a new amusement. We learn from our | success be obtained. The aristocracy of the salons of Paris contrived, | cetengan thee tah etc Scns of ewe omar Cee of lat coutury tae end they coat pve ay d ps 3 in, bat their posterity is luckily made of other stuff. eantime munication with the Powers of Darkness, have, for the last two years, aed ee name 4 greater pS me than all of them, for while | been objects of study spans the doctors and savans of Paris. Results| they only give run-away knocks at the door of the Prince of the Air, } have been obtained, which have caused indescribable terror.” It seems | he Exrexon, by a slight tax on his ingenuity and his subjects, at once Ialo teligine, eat bhuwelf to thece recanrebee, has managed to ttghten | 2i2e2 the Wind. ito religion, m > —————— } himself in the most remarkable manner, and cannot sleep without one | Son — the - A... — on a mat vod the a. es holy water in all the jugs, washhand basins, and caraffes. ese | v a experiments go on, “not in the garret of the deluded alehemist, but in| _,W# wonder fiat bose ot bas cally Og ap | semteet ny — the gorgeous saloons of the aristocracy.” which is literally swarming with everyt ing that is disagreeable, an The scance diabolique must be a refreshing change from the humdrum likely to disturb his repose. Those who sieep im garrets have had a | of an ordinary ball or part Fashionable invitation cards, we under- | t#s*¢ of the inconvenience arising from cats in a lively condition, but | stand, have in the corner Vostead of “ Quadrilles,” the word “ Diables.” | this is nothing when compared with the disgusting consequences of The drawing-room tables are no longer covered with Books of Beauty | having feline and canine carcases in every stage of decomposition | and Scenery of the Rhine, but with little square medieval works on | pitched into one’s bed at all hours of the day, as well as the night. | | Magic, tastefully bound in flame-coloured silk, or in green scales. The | *ather Thames may be said to lead, literally, a cat and dog life, and pretty girl to whom you have been introduced, asks you whether you | ‘hough it is an pong a that s your he made so pack apy have seen that lovely fikemess of Democorgox, and is enchanted with | there is no reason why the river should not have its made a little the infernal verses you have written in Mas, SriaiTnar’s Album, and | ™0Fe decently; or at least protected from being used as the receptacle a late arrival apologises, aud hopes he has not kept the Incantation | for all the filth of the metropolis. We should not be surprised to find waiting Elixirs witch-potions are handed round by the servants, | Ee. old Father Thames some worning “ dead in his bed,” for it is a instead of lemonade end negus, and your hostess, in lieu of asking you | bed in which anything like wholesome existence cannot much longer be | to take a hand at whist, begs you to hold a of Glory. The music | ™4intained. | of Der Freischitz bas come up again, with that of Rodert le Diadle, to | the exclusion of Italian languishment and spasm, and you are desired A Good Price for Washing. to prevail upon your wife to oblige the party with that delightful | 4 , : | “ Sereech du Demon,” or you are told that you really must take part We see that no less than £1900 a-year have been given to the in “ Blow, sulphur gales, and on your wing, our long expected Old’Un | President and Secretary of the National Gallery. This is the largest bring.” The domestic servants, who are always nuisances, are the | sum on record ever given, we should say, for washing. We would not greatest trouble to people who give this kind of thing, as they object to | mind taking in a few of the Old Masters ourselves, and washing and the bore of fetching in bats’ eyes and owls’ ears, and babies’ fingers and doing for them upon similar terms. In fact, we should not care making tigers’ chaudrons, and the other things wanted for the evening’s amuse- 4 slight reduction, as the Old Masters would take less trouble washing | ments, besides getting so stupidly frightened as to be always knocking now, since so many of them have lost their coats. down the skeletons and magic mirrors, and spilling the witch-broth up the stairs. A boy in buttons actually gave warning, lately, sooner than —— allow himself to be punctured in the arm, though there was no more /, ; sis Ragas ** baboon’s blood” in the house, all through his own carelessness. But} Tune is an old lady who says, that she always likes to travel by a science has always had to contend with vulgar prejudice. | trunk line, because then she feels confidence about the safety of be We hardly think, despite the story about “results,” “ indescribable | luggage.

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Avevst 4, 1855.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL Jl TOBACCO IN THE CHURCH. UNPATRIOTIC CLUBS. Y Lorp Normansy has prevailed) I? appears that there are certain Benefit Clubs, particularly about upon the magnanimous Gaanp Duxz West Somersetshire, of which the members forfeit all the advantages or Tuscasy to take his royal canine 4 enlistment into Hen Masesty’s service, What these Societies call paw from the miserable mouse, themselves we do not know, but can coneeive various titles whereby Crccuerti, the small animal having they might be designated.’ The United Cravens, the Incorporated aroused the ire of the regal brute by Sneaks, the Disloyal Lodge of Shabby Fellows, ave few of these. We daring to read the Bible to his own forbear to mention more, in the — that a rule so disgraceful to an n family ignan’ ible-reader | association of Englishmen, will, i present hour of be expunged, was mF, long oe ; | On the publication of this ae before pany, Sinaies have been | but Lorn NorMawsy prevailed, and added to that hour. Bvery Benefit it bop Bosioty of Friends ; | Ceccuettt was doomed to body’s but the society might be Y without b. A late Act of | banishment from sunny Tuscany; a Parliament forbids the enforcement of this iso in the | land of beauty with a government of | the case of Militiamen the Naval Coast Could beast. i : ' not Parliament extend that enactment to the Line and the whole Navy, ‘Turia ; - 4. > > by way of doing some little good before it separates ? coured by an Englishman, Ma. tia eal Ph prevails upon the Piedmontese govern- POLES TO POKE THE RUSSIANS, ment—ever to please th ish ‘ : give ——- pad mmm in|, Tue Zeaminer advocates the formation of a Polish legion, BO great aan especially one of the royal Tobacco manufactories. for the assault of Sebastopol: so do we. The of that place is Oddly phon § in the history of the has Tobacco been associated composed in a large measure of Poles, who a. t affection with the Bible. Smitten for reading the book, Ceccuerti’s hurts are for the service they are engaged in, aud may be called negative Poles. healed by the odorous leaf. In the early days of Virginia, Tobaceo Our Polish legion, burning with hatred against the enslavers of their was the wages of working Christianity; the parson was paid with a pao in the recollection of Russian cru and wrong bird’s-eye and ni The minister christened, married, and | Would come under the denomination of eee 2 egative and buried te fees, duly of Tobacco. Happy couples were, after | positive, positive and negative Poles, atually attract one this fashion, tied by pi tail ; and the torch of Hymen was all | another, as the case is in or mpection : sta we tinred up the smoke. “Tis observed,” says ERLEY, in his History of Virginia, | Russians with these Poles, no we meet with foes who | “that those counties where the Presbyterian meetings are, produce | Would strike beside us. | very mean any and, ag _—. wy aa ry pers piabter = ——— == to stay among them.” im Virgimia, it might be said, show me ‘ “ your ‘baeco and I'll tell you your Bishop. ; Meat, Drink, and Manure. 1 | A good, serviceable parson reeeived for annnal maintenance 16,000lb. | We send missionaries to reclaim the cannibals from eating human , | | of good Tobaceo : the difference of remuneration was, of course, in the | flesh: to which end the best means would be to endow the savages, if | i quality of the weed. For instance, a Virginian Bishop of Oxford— possible, with the understanding and the necessary to enable if we may suppose such a costly exotio—would have the very finest and them fo compeshend and practise what they are taught: the next best, | most fragrant Tobacco; whereas a Virginian Exeter might take his | if also possible, to work a few physical miracles, which would convert | Salary in good strong returns. these anthropophagous natives by astonishing them, Practically, per- | Fortwo hundred pounds of the weed, a man and woman might be haps, the best method of bringing them over to beef and mutton would made matrimonially one ; and man or woman buried at precisely double be to give a mission for that purpose to M. Soyer. the cost. That Tobaeco should lay a man decently in the grave! Ex talk of converting cannibals? There is /umo dare lucem J | Thus, it will be seen, that Tobueco as in its time been a strange | C : But why do we something even worse that man may swallow than other men’s mere flesh—There is the Thames ! heme A sis the Bb a roaadh _oteiation, panei , unished for his devotion to i is rewar in this life by Chance for Knightsbridge. obacco. We hear that—at the suggestion of our waggish Chayg/| .. am ‘ awe ’ Affaires at Tuxim—Cuccusrrt has sent a serew of bird’s-eye to the| 12 subjoined appears in the papers :— DUKE oF Tuscany, with this inseription,—*“ May it please your Ducal “The Monitore Toscano states that the Pore has resolved to appoint an Italian ighness, to condescend to put that in your pipe and smoke it!” Bishop to ‘ the now vacant see of Constaatinople, is | Unless an Italian be indispensable for the post,—may Mr. Punch _—. Me i suggest that His Holiness should promote aud appoint the Rev. Ma. AN EPISTOLARY VEGETABLE. Lipoett, of St. Paul's, Knightsbridge ? d a | SomeBopy has written to the Times a letter, very much to the _ A BUILT-UP JOKE. : ’ — ; eee cupetien the from _ .. —. ay be _, UCB own Correspondent informs us, that the firing before Sebastopol . sewer, whieh was promptly ordered by the Emperor at the suggestion | if not always most effective, is at all events bold and vigorous ; forevery | of the Philosopher : 7 ' m both appear to have been “the right | ™a0 stands up to his mortar like a brick. 1 men in the right places.” Who, however, could have been the author ; of this Communication ?—for the signature thereto appended is “ Omx A WHISPER TO Bones . 70 WHOM TH® Thames is Meat ayp Dnovx.” Now to what created | , Sag ‘ at . ing can the Thames nowrishment, liquid and solid, but |. Bones should be lenient enough to bear in mind this truth ~that it | j one belonging to th: tno? P ? The Thames may be meat is with the Fire of Conversation as with any other fire—litile Sticks . and drink to but it be poison to tailors, and 1s certainly Kindle it, great Sticks put it out. e | | Dot less deleterious to the rest of the human race. | @ ay — Weta es hen but litle donb ther pov pe tm de: : ‘ater Cure, as t is but litt bt a ing w: | Sink-we Scento. bum all the good in the world. | “ After five years the Thames is to receive no sewage.” —Sir B, Hall. > Ly shorter time, kind Sir, contrive Ma. Puncu is glad that the le who had their windows broken, a 7 To purify our drink; few Sundays ago, are p ing to sue the Hundred, as this shows ) F _ le your Sure is a Five, — conviction that the Million had nothimg to do with the disgraceful river is a Cing. usiness, 4 S| Neapolitan Progs. __ I is to be hoped that Loup Jonny Kvssent obtained no refreshmen Tue Kive or Napues, 9 great stranger in his own capital—can °™* of jawfal hours on his — my hy home fa Fee Gum that Naples have a better recommendation >—went there on the oceasion of that + ma he was anything & Lond fide traveller. the late fete. Whereupon certain animals exclaimed“ Lone lin, our absolute king!” When the king of the frogs took his subjects by} Domestic awn Pournican Ecosomy Comprszp.—Mr. Bareriess - mouthfuls, even the frogs (but then they were not Neapolitan) did not, | says, “ | It is with politics as with your linen,—any sudden change is according to sop, croak—“ Long live our absolute stork !” | dangerous.” > acta

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PUNCH, OR THE L gg ¢ Hi As % AQUATICS. Flora. “ Wet, put Tommy! Do rou THINK You CAN ROW BOTH O Tommy (who fancies himself a perfect Athlete im high condition). “ Row Just you Look ugere, Here’s A Bicers Musciz ror you!” ante ONDON CHARIVARL. [Aveust 4, 1855. CARMEN PACIFICUM. A Perlite Song. Guapstowe, and Granam and Sipyey, Giapstowez, and Granam and Sppyey, Declare that this War Has become quite a bore To men of their peaceable ki Says Giapstowg, our Jesuit layman, Says GLapstowg, our Jesuit layman, England ’s wrong, Russia’s right, And we’ve no call to fight, Except that of the wicked highwayman. Says GranaM, that veteran schemer, Says Gran, that veteran schemer, We should beat a retreat, We should call back our fleet, Nor leave out there a single war-steamer. Says Sipwey, that graceful young hero, Says Sioney, that ful young hero, The Russ for the Turk Is but doing the work We have done for each Indian Ameer, O. Say these three jovial Pgexires in chorus, ree Pee.ites in chorus, We hist broke out t, no doubt mild and decoro For we made it quite mi But the People are calling for vigour, Bat the People are calling for vigour, And of all ills the sternest, Is a War made in earnest, So Peace at all Price is our figure. VQ ge ~ us Pashionable Ann t Mr. Puncnu has been nested by Lorp Ropert | | Grosvenor to state, that the /cle champeétre he had half-in- | | tended to give to his friends who, on recent Sundays, met | so very numerously in his honour in Hyde Park, is for the resent postponed. Due notice will be made of the festival. De nee given to the maimed and brui Vouchers | | required for broken heads, Fy us?” you! War — — — A DEJEUNER A L’EAU. ; We have heard of dancing teas, and other absurdities, but the most | eccentric meal that has yet fallen under our notice, is a breakfast in the water, which has been advertised by the Maidstone Swimming Club. The announcement of this wishy-washy entertainment concludes by the intimation that “every member will be required to partake of the repast in the river.” We presume that several pounds of tea will be thrown into the water, with a sufficient quantity of sugar, while a supply of cream will be allowed to run over the surface, and the process of “ stirring” will of course be effected by the members themselves, who will act as their own spoons. The ham will have to be cut in Vauxhall slices, so that, in the act of swimming, a morsel may be adroitly snapped at, and a few hard-boiled eggs will be thrown in for the satis- faction of those whose appetites take an oval turn. We fear that the dry toast will be none the better for being soaked in the river, and as to the bread and butter, it will be necessary to give particular directions | that the butter side shal from being converted into a soppy sloppy mess, which no amount of hunger would be able to relish. We cannot help feeling that a break- fast in the water, will be very much like a dinner ia audibus, or a | supper taken at a castle in the air. For ourselves we can only say | that we would rather starve for twenty-four hours than adopt such an uncomfortable method of fishing for a meal. Co-loanial Device: A FINANCIAL writer, who appears to have only partially considered his subject with reference to t debt.” This ingenious plan for obtainin K | newest reading of the colonial motto, “ Advance, Australia.” Friarrery.—The Pore assures Bomsa, that he is “ the best of tyrants.” » Bradbury, of No. 1°, Upper Wo'urn Mare, their U@dee in Lombard Steet, ia the Precinct of saTUaDdaY, Acgust 4 b2. Prin ed by WiWicr Printers, « Wh tefiiars, in the City © | be kept upwards, in order to prevent the whole | : law of mewm and tuum, suggests thai | | “the gold of Australia ought to be used in reduction of our national | an advance is certainly the and Frederick Mullett Evans, ef No. 2°, x, THE LORD MAYOR IN DANGER. | A pRoposrrion was made the other day at a Court of Aldermen: “that the Lornp Mayor should take the usual view of the River Thames.” Considering that the river savours of everything that is disagreeable, we must say, that the pas savours of cruelty. Besides it is quite superfluous to take any fresh view of the Thames, for the “usual view” now taken of it is that it is a filthy and disgusting nuisance, which can’t be got rid of too speedily. We are happy to | find that the suggestion, which really looks like a piece of spite against | the poor Lorp Mayor, was at once negatived. Had the “view” been resolved upon, a sum of £700 was to have been allowed for ex » though we confess we do not see what expense could | itimately arise unless it had been for Bau de Cologne, Sal Volatile, and other restora- tives that might have been necessary to “correct” the obnoxious odours arising from the river. Perbaps a portion of the £700 might have been put aside for additional insurances on the Lonp Mayor's life, which would have been jeopardised had he been compelled to take | his own private view of the river. Up with your Copper. In their admirable petition to Her Masesry, the English Engravers (complaining of the systematic insults of the Royal Academy) say, that | they “ look upon the art of engraving as akin to the art of translation.” | This is a delicate compliment to the English dramatists, especially from | the steel engravers, who gracefully refuse to make a difference between | what is steel and what is stolen. A NATURAL REQUEST. Tue “Fibre Company” has, it seems, been canvassing certaip | parties of the House of Lords for support. It is natural that those | who would make paper should apply to reputations that have gone to rags. - : : Qaren’s Road West, Regent’ hoth in the Parish of Sr. Panera, te > Comey an Gey a { Luudon, ani f t a’ No, %, Fleet Street, in the Parish of Sc. Bride, i& « * Park, udiimbed vy

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Avovst 11, 1855.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 53

BY THE MARGIN OF THAMES’ DIRTY WATERS. By the margin of Sune dirty waters, 0 Lived a youth who was sick night and day. For the stench in such pestilent quarters, 2 r—ah—oh—ugh ! WwW as never one moment away. When abroad none more healthy than he, Bat at home none more sickly could be, “ Will you cleanse this vile river, 1 pray ?” r—ah—oh—ugh ! _ The authorities only could say— “ Ur—ah—oh—augh! It’s dreadful to-day > }

Ur—ah—oh—ngh! Ur—ah—oh—ugh!” was all they | could say. | a By the margin of Thames’ dirty waters, ——. > Ur —o h! | = At the close of a hot summer’s day : 4 = —* As he lay in his pestilent uarters,

| | | ro Ur—ah—oh—agh | = = This youth was heard faintly to say :— = —— Ur—ah—oh—ugh ! Than of typhus die off at its side. sila = ie Ur—ah—oh—ugh! I'll jump in its d! | Ugh! Ugh!—No. I’ll move from my lodgings instead. | Ur—ah—oh—ugh! No, I don’t fancy its bed. Ugh! Ugh!”—So he changed his apartments instead.

Sea-Side Fashions. = — : | Tue “Uglies” worn by the young ladies at Ramsgate, — —— ‘ ae | are of a larger size than ever this year. They are so large 7 that it is almost impossible forthe young beauty that is shut _up inside to see anything without taking her bonnet off. It is said that certain modest mammas have organised this A LIKELY CASE. monstrous fashion purposely, in order to prevent their daughters seeing the strange sights that not unfrequently Fiery Instructor to trembling Pupil. “Now, Sin! Come! I xxyow rou! Don’t | take place on the beach of a morning whilst the bathing-

ATTEMPT TO BuLLy me, Sin—It won't succeeD, I can TELL you!” machines are out. : | Mr. Punch requests that due attention may be paid to Mz. Prutatr’s PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. | regard for the arts, for literature, and for Pak cond onday pressed his opini The Partnership Amendment Bill is another victim to Parliamentary Fg y a oa y tape po oo aes, wo neglect. It was tome from the Massacre of the Innocents, to fall Mr. Punch intends to “take stock” as soon as the Session is over, he |™0Fe ignominiously to-day by the hand of Bouvenre. will probably have something to say upon this head. | Tuesday. The Lords sent the Metropolis Management Bill through In the Commons the Limited Liabilities Bill proceeded, and, later in | Committee with laudable speed. : the week, and after some more hindrances from the monied men, who |__ In the Commons, the CaanceLion or THE Excuequer said, that in are Noite disgusted that a poor man should ume to lend, instead his budget he had taken a trifling “ margin” of Three and a half Millions of confining himself to his own sphere, and, with due humility, borrow- | beyond the then estimated expenditure of the year, but he should want ing of themselves, was passed. a great deal more. He could not, however, tell them how much until It was stated by Government that we are to have an Italian Legion, they bad granted the supplementary sums for which he had already asked. and Mr, Punch trusts that every street organist in London will be in. L@t them mind one tning at a time. The intimation quieted the stantly pressed into it—and, if he might add a suggestion to the Com- ease, and o -— dtialy he = midaight. el, mander of the Forces, he would recommend that such part of the women a ae ny wn gh — ~a. r bet Lomy utmost opportunity of distinguishing iteclf — but were beaten by 62 to 10. The bill was passed on Thursday. Lorp Paumerston announced that the Session must terminate about| .7¢duesday. Nothing particular. Mr. Orwar tried to cut off the the 14th or 15th. It is stated that Her Masesry will not prorogue in | Salary of the gentleman who travels to buy pictures for the nation, but person, being, it is believed, too zauch ashamed of the conduct of ber | this little bit of cheese-paring injustice was scouted by the House. Parliament to meet it without a rebuke, which her kindliness of nature| Thursday. Lonp Repespare advised the Government to buy up the disposes her to withhold. The Foreign Secretary, by reason of his | ground between Downing Street and George Street. It was naturally superior acquaintance with the French tongue, is to accompany his | supposed that his Lordship was about to recommend the erection of a Sovereign to Paris; and it is to be hoped that before his Lordsbip | « Casino” thereon, for Peeresses and their friends, in order to relieve returns, he will endeavour to procure a translation of the word | the Chamber of Peers from the name which he was enough to “ solidairement,” which, in the Turkish Loan debate, baffled the united affix to it, when some of the wives and daughters of noblemen of lingual skill of the British House of Commons, and which in Nucewt’s England found an interesting debate more attractive than an opera. French Dictionary, for the Use of Schools and Young Persons, Edit. xvi. | But the courteous Lord only wanted to build ‘public offices on the 1830, p. 303, is explained to mean “ wholly.” | ground in question. : . A great deal of money was voted in Committee of Supply. Inthe, In the Commons, the very improper pension to Lory Gronce Pacer | course of the debates on these grants, that ridiculous person, Mr. | was defended on the weakest and most contradictory grounds. To do | APSLEY Petatt, the China-shop map, offered three pieces of oppo-| Lonp Groner justice, he seems to have done his best to deprive his | sition, which may as well be mentioned, because they show what kind | friends of an excuse for giving him the money, but they almost forced of an article Pettatr is. He wished to disallow the item of £10,000) it upon him. <= for pictures forthe National Gallery, the item of £12,000 for the accom-| Great sums of money were voted for Commissariat and Ordnance odation of 200,000 additional books for the British Museum, and the | expenses, and £15,000 for the erection of a Museum at Kensington miserable item of £250 for incidental expenses of the Belfast College. Gore.

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VOL, XXIX. G

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54 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIV ARI. [naan 11, 1855.

Mason Regn male enother attempt to get romise that Parliament should be waited b before any mop is a ut be could only obtain from the Premier the highly satisfacto — comprehensive = bs my that he would do everything that was mene. The Cuaxcettor or THe Excarquer, having his su sane votes, was so obli as to say a much more money wanted. He merely asked leave to raise Seven Millions, by en | Gtapstowe thought that more taxes ought to be laid on, instead ; but the House thought not, one the required ission. Pte Sat ee ye th th day. The Lords in the mons the question of the Vienna conferences was lost sight of in a personal row. The opponents of the Turkish Loan were am | a with Sra WriutaM Mo.eswortn for charging them with “ ion,” and they abused him a good deal, Guapstowg y likening him to “an old woman who fancied she had seen a ghost,” ‘and Parimore using downright | Billingsgate. an House Ly a up abruptly in the middle of the| disturbance. ce next day, Mr. Punch | was happy to i try ory Sir the was as well as could "he expected, and the Colonies were going on capitally. MRS. GRUNDY ON THE ADULTERATION OF FOOD. Tas a oy — ’s in this world, he frauds in every trade Especially the stuff we eats, and nast ee Sa Oh! Tm mii such artful “Nand shameful And now so high a price we pays to mix the ry | ig ; NN} They E Pate sloe-leaves, I see, French chalk, black lead, and Prema | ue in it. Don’t talk to me of Best Souchong!—~such rogues ought all to be a! bat gaol in, Fine Pekoe!” Nonsense, go along! *Tis half on’t indigo and kaolin. Your arrowroot’s potato meal, and so ~Tieailasen And that with common chalk, and Your mustard —pugh !—there’ sno a taste in it: ’Tis flour and tarmerice—’twon’t sting—there’s no dependence to be | in it. mek ~~ ~ Weenie tenes Meme tatbe: on ’em, Whereby. | they verdigris contains, and them as eats on ’em they Your sugar-plums you colours too—at least confectioners in With copper, lead, that Prussian blue, arsenic, and every Your Cxgenne 9 pepper is ground rice, sawdust, and mustard husk and jnstant pisen "em. | paper Mix’d wie vermilion to look niece ; or with red lead you hide the fault |’ te h "L might find Cayenne in gin, suppose I happen’d to desire it, gh diords puts it in, when they have lower'd it, to higher it. | They te pent oe fart oh, what a shame! and sugar into it, and treacle too. Their ee brewer's strength below wih grains of Paradise they “They ‘I noer go where them grains grow, unless they quits such bad behaviour. lew PALMERSTON to! | With vitriol, ’cause that ain’t so dear, they makes on the one subject of the |

“CowstasLe Sampson was strack coffee up| bh lead sh f hoon been y as a sheet of paper,” the of the J

Anchovy, 8 srimp, onl lobster sauce, is s doctor’d uP, ond so’s tomata; Armenian, drugs and dross, whic h colours ’em but didn’t And winepar,. x what I hear, henceforward I shall be afraid of it, the most of what there ’s made of it. No comfort from a pinch of snuff can any | With pe that nasty filthy stuff, both” Sone a lowe Rappee ’s nfected, Both miste camer, alike it seems, that lead is always used in makin’ ’em, d people of their precious limbs have often lost the use by takin’ ’em. The very water that we drinks the crawleybobs and creepers swarm in it, Bred in the sewers and the sinks—I looks with terror and alarm in it. No longlegses could make me jump like them queer creatures in a drop | My a. 2 never stop in it. | And if sich things should make you ill, your physic aint to be relied upo In vain you takes your draught or so many tricks the drugs is tri What shep'te foust I'm quite in deukt, their goods is such vild | Drat them that makes the laws! Get out. Ugh! I’ve no patience with siteh villany.

THE REPORT OF THE POLICE COMMITTEE. We fancy we know the of the Committee instituted to inquire | into the brutal conduet of Police im Hyde Park, even before it is | mistaken, it will run something in the | Se een ee, “We have made the most searching inquiries into the conduct of the Police on Sanday, July the Fines, in Myae Park, and this is the result of our inquiries :— See ee wth Go tat po og ~ — ‘Sap Gaaleyea — ~ exhibited ta im return for the words and blows of that thoy reccived for many comeccutive hours fem the ( mob of boys, who had been pelting him for the last quarter of an hour, by going up mildly to them, and offering them (with a smile) some nuts. BES ween <0 tat Sese Gase Bp owe size. — 4 the words of the ancient pam dey ee = said ‘ Strike, but Hear.’ The ee ee ee eee Constable's hand, + pee whilst the latter recited to him the whole of Da. WarTTs's beautiful ‘ Let dogs delight to bark and bite’ no less than 158 eyes | Toe Sargon of the Force reports having

Ma. Conspzy’s familiar swagger opine b seduerd to magn there will doubles = better bi) 18 to Ww a ¥ So nah market, and consequently less diffieulty in procuring a to carry out the illustration. Further than this, only “let the Fmineral.| thee in question contain a report of one of Mz. Cospzy’s —_— speeches, and we will warrant that every 5 instantly raised against it, only too anxious to crumple it up. AN EVERY-DAY MORAL. Tux Law may be compared to a street-fight, at the end of which it is og penny oA their clients Lawyers, w were quietly walked off with them ! Laprgs ror Leeistators.—There is ladies should be eligible for Members of Parliament. They would | afford such abundant facilities for pairing off.

AUGUST the lique votaries duties. Playgoe! laughing at both, to proc om One is,

the coats of the combatants are missing. The fact is, | one another, have | very good reason why | the tick more ce

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Avevst 11, 1855.) OUR OWN COMMITTEE ON THE BEER BILL. HE Committee ap- pointed by Mr. Punch to inquire into the operation of the Sun- day Beer Act reports that Sabbatarian legis- lation for the purpose of getting sots to go ety, especially if a pon eo the cellar- less and clubless to get Saturday might, and to lie a-bed the next day. To have such @ person, then, in outa. condi- tion on y morn- | ing it would be neces- close the the liquor-shops on Saturday evening would be a very early one i im order t votaries of Baccuus might have time to get sufficiently oie at te duties. This arrangement would, in London at least, be attended witha se nience. | ‘ling it fron and comedies, and ery a traseies (rte reverse), and om persiting ughing at farces j crying at trage or the reverse at both, would be unable to step out between the acts to get a draught of stont ; still less | to procure a pull of that beverage after the performances. . | o meet this difficulty two several courses are suggested by Mr. Punch’s Committee. One is, to enact that the public-houses shall be permitted to supply refreshment to bond fide playgoers, inelusive of persons attending meetings and oratorios, if any, at Exeter Hall in case of their choosing to demand a “drain” under denomination. Audiences an attendants of all other concerts and meetings, not being “free and easy,” and of lectures, provided the lecture be dry, that is, unaccompanied by grog or malt liquor, would be entitled to the same privilege. The claimants would be required to produce a refreshment. | ticket, which would be supplied at the theatre, concert, or lecture-room. The ticket would | | be stamped by Government, to prevent imposition: the machinery for this purpose might | | involve some expense, but what would that be to the people compared with the advantage | they would derive from having the kind and gracious designs of a pious Aristocracy for their | | moral and spiritual improvement carried out? Thus, the objection to the word bond fide | would be obviated: and the Committee adds, that im order to secure the genuineness of the tickets, it might be advisable to make the counterfeiting of them felony, thereby the more certainly to render the sumptuary project of the sumptuous orders feasible. The other | course recommended by Mr. Puanch’s Canales, is to let all sumptuary and Sabbatarian | legislation whatever alone. | EDUCATION AT THE ANTIPODES. Mexzovrnye had, according to the last advices from Australia, just opened its University, | after a magnificent speech from the Chancellor, whose style of eloquence combines all the rotundity of the cannon-ball with all the hollowness of the cannon. We are of course great advocates for the spread of education all over the world; but we are afraid there is not much ee for the cause, from the state of things at Melbourne: where, after an estimate of | £110,000 for the building, £90,000 for the land, and £9000 a-year for the endowment of the | new University, there are only sixteen students to profit by the tremendous outlay. The | institution is to stand on forty acres of land, which will give precisely two acres and a half to each pupil. Perhaps the better mode of turning the concern to account will be to convert it into a vast gymnasium, with a a emrenge to Ape who should give lectures on long- stop, and other physical accompli , Which seem to be congemal to the youth of Victoria. It is really a reflection on the colony, that its inhabitants are so immersed in money-grubbing that they cannot even spare their sons from the degrading t, and only sixteen youths can be mustered t the whole of the vast locality to accept the offer of a liberal education. The fact is, that nearly everybody in the colony is makin haste to get rich, in the hope of returning to England, where after all they are only doome to disappointment ; for the vulgar rich—who have nothing but their dross to recommend them—are happily at a discount on this side of the world, as from their numbers they necessarily are on the other. y tell how Drawnsc-Room Tzst.— You can popular of time she keeps you waiting whilst dressing to receive you. A | length PUNCH, Ck THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 5k THERE IS NAE LUCK ABOUT THE Tuere is nae lack about the House, There is nae luck about the House, To lead it there’s nae mon alive, It winna prosper—dinna thrive— When a’ gude people should unite Its factions with ilk ither fight, And whilst they jangle, jaw, and jar, This House of ours neglects the War, Disrazci here, and Giapstone there, And Bricut and Cospew idly share And wee Loxp Jouxwre Russe, aye, And Patwerston his As leaves in Autumn fal! and fade, Scarce ae gude Act thae chiels hae made, And now is August here, and sune Wi’ nought, but aiblins mischief dune, Oh! gif the How mony birdies, on the Moors, ee a’ pursue their game When capercailzies ask their aim, His gude intent All ends in vapour and in smoke, All’s barren, e’en the PREMIER’s joke, Bat at their clavers whilst they keep, The wind they sow = whirlwind reap, JouN But from day to day may biced, But = a Sunday they tak’ heed Oh! wad about this House sae daft, From dolties doure and sumphies saft,, And thunder, glow’rin’ at the Mace, ~t HOUSE OF COMMONS. There is nae luck at a’: Now its gude man ’s awa’. Like puir Srm Ropert Pert, Tis faneing to the deil. here is nae luck, &c. Against the common foe, And let their business go ; And words rin unco high, And everything forbye, There is nae luck, &c. Indulge in adverse prate, wild and v bate must hae, Whilst heroes fall in vam. There is nae luck, &c. So bills in Summer die ; For a’ they’ve pass’d July ; This gude-for-naething House Will just adjourn to grouse. is nae luck, &c. ies, out 0’ doors, As in the House, were split, Wad they be like to hit ? Y steadiness an’ zeal, And not their country’s weal. There is nae &e. Gin sic a chiel as Rogzvucx try To do the thing he ought f ken ba why, Is sure to come to nought. The mountain breeds a mouse In this uncanny House. is nae luck, &c. For a’ the nation’s ills, + By Sabbatarian Jonn Barveycoss shall not. There is na luck, &c. Auld Nott could rise and be St. Stephen’s Ha’ to free “That bauble tak’ awa’ !” Could now the House befa.’ There is nae luck, &c. Verna Navication.—Disraz1i calls one of you are with a Lady by the Baicur’s long Pacific Ocean speeches against the War “a | of words.”

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| | | bellows. |} commonly called a “ good name” that we enter our protest. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. COMPLIMENTARY. Bus Driver. “ Now THEN, OUT or THe way, YOU TWO!” THE VALUE OF A NAME, We have often been struck by the sentimental earnestness of some respectable old beggar on the stage, who honestly announcing the emptiness of his pockets, begins to puff away at his own integrity with a force which might make a blacksmith blush for the feebleness of his “ Ah, my children!” roars out occasionally some seedy stage veteran, “Ab, my children! though I cannot leave ye land, or goid, | I can bequeath to ye a still nobler inheritance, an untarnished name” ; | which, by the way, might be the boast of anybody who could leave to | his heirs, executors, and assigns a well-polished brass door-plate. We are not often in the habit of attaching much value to this very | nominal sort of estate, for an unsullied pate name can be of little | consequence, as far as the business of life is concerned, unless the heir | wishes to make use of the name for fraudulent purposes. It does not follow that Jones junior cannot be a scamp because Jones senior was | a respectable man, and we have therefore come to the conclusion, that | in a commercial sense, a “ good name” is no very great catch by way | | of inheritance. We admit the moral value of the bequest; but it is | only against the alleged pecuniary benefit to be derived from what is | We have, bowever, recently met with an instance in which a name | has brought with it such an accession of fortune as almost to justify the | clap-traps with which a —- father usually announces his intention to | leave nothing in the world but the monosyllable Jones (without a| blot on any part of it) to a numerous family. The instance to which | we allude is that of Mr. Curistoruer, originally Dunpas, who called himself Curistorner for £14,000 a-year, and is now, for the | respectable consideration of £38,000 a-year about to call himself | Nispet. | We can only say, that we would call ourselves Bucerys or Muceuns, | Horxis or Pork.ys, or anything that anybody might think fit to cal us, for one quarter of the money. We know that ladies have some- times very large sums settled on them before they can be induced to change their names ; but it is difficult to conceive the motive for offering a gentleman several thousands a-year to alter his appellation. IMPORTANT FROM THE EAST. Amrp the latest intelligence, or my em of the Overland Mail in one of the morning papers, our eye fell upon the following rather startling announcement :— “ Hassaw Bey has received a present of a copper watch.” We do not yet see the effect this circumstance is likely to produce on European, Asiatic, African, or American politics. The Foreign Cor- respondent who communicates this piece of news probably no time for details, but in a future letter he will perhaps enlighten the world with further particulars. Who gave Hassas Ber the copper watch ? What did Hassan say when he got it? Did the watch go? and a bundred other kindred questions will occur to the mind in reference to this somewhat remarkable topic. We wonder if the papers published in the East are filled with such foreign intelligence as that which we have quoted above, and whether such facts as “Mr. Jones has re- ceived a present of a silver pencil-case,” finds its way into the columns of our Asiatic contemporaries under the head of “ Latest from London.” We have no personal knowledge of the recipient of the copper-wateb, but any one to whom a present is given is, gro tanto, a “ gifted indi- vidual.” Nevertheless we should be disposed to look upon Hassan Bey as Hassan rather green. Parliamentary Obsequies. A sri has been brought into Parliament under the title of the Burial of the Dead Bill As this is about the regular time for the Massacre of the Parliamentary Innocents, a Burial of the Dead Bill is less than was to be expected. One would naturally look out for the burial of numerous dead bills. Tus State or Arrarns.—A Member of the pe wrote lately to one of his constituents :—“Things are in such a miserable state | iat be Cy Patmerstox, it would be absolutely impossible to augh at all.” [Aceust 11, 18355. wTrTtwefrryaTol cc evrwwenrerm ae TT Tra wT ( - _ b ( r _ i a a ee ee - = | .

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avevrsrt 11, 1855.

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i! ‘ lp J3 teu» / ee lo te * fre oul xpatn CL —— W a o Wenneyg - Jie Vie» PS ee i .

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SUNDAY EQUALITY. b, i N ie | 1e is le ly Le 10

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Avevst 11, 1855.) PUNCH, OR THE L ONDON CHARIVARL 59 == JOHN LOVES A LORD. HE Rank is but the guinea-stamp, The Man’s the gold for a’ that !"— Rattle your glasses, clap your hands, Inspiring truth Of the Scotch ploughman’s sacred song The Coal-hole and the Cider-cellars Appland it loud and long. Coin’d money Joux But rings and weighs, Nor takes it at the passer’s word ; Bat rank ’s coin he untried : To Joux, a Lord’s a If Joun sets up a ii é 5 4 if oH tH ray 2 z sft ta ' if Ti je ah HE i i ons cE gE 4 z F pt Lif i Q f : 3 B #! lf 46 be Bi i i E F : Rank ’s old coin groweth worn and thin, Clipt, counterfeit, and sore alloy’d, Tis time our mintage were recast, Our nuggets more employ’d! My Lords and the Laboratory. Funzans the wanen why Beilish Governments gromally ane relnctant to employ Chemistry in aid of Warfare is a slow prudence, that preju- dices them against a science of which one of the principal phenomena is Precipitation. Geyznis.”—We are C . j within fifty miles round Lo uae Hip, hip, hip, hip, oak that.: | / Grand sentiment! © OUR PHILO-RUSSIAN COUSINS. To the Editor of Punch. “ Srr, “Your countrymen appear to be astonished at the circum- ‘ stance that few of mine sympathise with them in their present contest with Russia, and that not a few Americans are rather ~ —¥ to wish that [= enemies may whip you. Because we are a free and enlightened nation, Britishers think that we have got to range ourselves alongside of civilisation and liberty against ic government and barbarism. But this is a no-ways logical ex ion, and just let me indicate to you im a few words the reasons why it don’t foller. The ZAR OF Russta is no slave, he isn’t. He be the only freeman in his own dominions, but a freeman he is. He whatever he pleases ; i ine freedom. ‘The Czan is monarch of all he surveys, and considerable more. Now in all these here particulars each individual ! on the same platform with the Czar. A.ex- ANDER (1,%,,470-t G1 it, - citizen ; is es over serfs; we govern niggers. e x. . : . a there ain t the in a friendly 7 ‘ “We cannot forget that we are the descendants of Englishmen, et there exists a good many reasons why there should be no love ost between us and En Our pilgrim forefathers left the old country because they couldn’t conform to its institutions ; and many of them were sent here on the same account. Not only that, but some of your authors have ridiculed our manners and customs. We are a serious people. It riles us to make fun of us. We can't tolerate it. But what is wust of all is the language and sentiments of all English writers respecting our institution of slavery. Their impious abolitionist doctrines and di ing negroisms, have given mortal offence to a con- siderable some of our population. ; ety. a faet -—, t- aiipas Ge danger of European Arts, Li \ Learning. towards our a kindr - But suppose and the | | H [i EL | BE Be BS sf U ge* 8 p S825 ; i : i af 5 ces Hit FE any way against our i i that’s a fact I tell you, which you may credit, although I am a “ Blackburn, Va., August, 1355. “Ksow Norurne.” MARRIAGE IN CONTINENTAL HIGH LIFE. By the Morning Post's account— Another apron-tie between Russia and “Fatherland.” The Czaz contracted one more matrimonial alliance with . How long will Germans wait for the announcement of a political one ? A Lathering Flung Away. Jznome Carpas, as recorded by Mz. Montzy, was in the iabit of “3 you mean to wash, first see that you have a towel handy.” England is to blame for not having better attended to the e advice. Before attempting to give Russia a good wipe i we ought to have seen that we had our Russian towelling all ready. F F nn ener cher 4

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Avevsr 11, 1855. PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE. “ Richmond is on the seas.” Richard IIT, Act iv., Scene 4. | Notice of Motion :—Somebody to move for returns of the expenses incur ° the 7" of Her anes nnn, Se a and shipping. It is in no spirit of petty economy t r. Pune instigates somebody to move for this return. Quite on the contrary, Mr. Punch | is afraid that the expenditure devoted to this most important purpose | has been ridiculously small. Hardly a day passes without the Times containing a complaint of neglect at the hands of the Ordaance Board from some inventor of a projectile or a com apparently calculated to kill swarms of Russians, and blow up their nests. In particular a very awakening letter—though of course it will not rouse official sleepers—from Dr. Bensamis W. Ricwarpson in that journal the other day. From that communication, it appears that a pate named Scort has, like Cartary Dtswey, invented an in- ammable liquid and a shell, the latter of which, charged with the | former, promises, at least, to afford the most valuable assistance to our brave defenders in executing their high and humane commission to sink, | burn, kill, and destroy the miscreants who have broken the sweet peace | of the world, and have forced us into this horrible War. Well and | truly does the Doctor say :— | “1 think I have shown that the Board of Ordnance might at least have instituted one or two experiments bearing on an inquiry so scientific, simple, and important.” In the same day’s Times another letter appears, with the signature of | Basuiey Barrren ; the writer whereof ed an improved sort | of artillery, of which the Government has made incomplete trial with results that want nothing but confirmation to be conclusive. Ma. Britten says :— “ The only thing I require is the authority to make a few more experiments, bat, in | Order to be useful, they must be on a wz much larger scale than hitherto, and entered | into in a more free and liberal spirit, perhaps a little more assistance from military | experience, savouring less of criticism on my efforts as a civilian.” | Government does not hesitate to expend immense treasures in | | repeating the experiment of building enormous ships, which has | | thoroughly failed, but it grudges the outlay of a little money on the | repetition of an experiment in artillery practice, which appears to have su Still in the same 7imes, Mz. ALExaNDER Parkes complains that he | cannot induce the Government to grant him a trial of “a new shell, and | a powderwhich is considerably mo! ordinary gun THE CHEMISTRY OF THE CANNON, And then Sus is Lonp Dunbenaies plan, which there is very strong | , ~ | reason indeed to su Mr. Ponca begs to give Hen Masesty’s Government the following | noble Lord really ‘ ~~" ively i red since the commencement of the Wer, in tying experiments for the | — the Russians like so many of those insects purpose of applying the resources of c and mechanical science | jhad Red Tape Street blown about their ears, the A SAINT AND A PROPHET. Lorp Esrtyeton prided himself at having told Lorn Pawwuns, that “it would be very hot in oe ag A But the os surely not stop there? He also informed Lozp ym me that } when the winter it would doubtlessly be my cold = the Crimea. » > See ven- | tured to say, that supposing m it would probably be wet under foot, and that, w there were four or five feet of snow upon the qos, tom i be without doubt an ans te cricketi t was in consequence of t | statements, the force of which Lory Payuunz admitted at once, that boots, tents, stoves, and all kinds of provisions and clothing, were sent out to the Crimea. Our brave Army in the Easi, little knows what it owes to Lonp Esaryerton, and we did not know ourselves until his Lord- ship kindly told us. TWO STUMBLING BLOCKS. |__Ow the same day the Marlborough and the Marquis or Brasprorp found themselves in an | awkward “ fix ””—the one at Portsmouth, and the other in the House of Commons. The Marlborough | would not take the water, and the Biawproxp would not take any beer—at least stood in the way of the public taking any beer on the Sunday. Both crafts were guilty of obstructing the public “ways.” However, the M A has since | been removed, but the other stumbling-block still remains, and is as likely as ever to impede ary | useful measure from being by thrusting | before it some wooden “slip” or other, that is sure | to beout of order. The sooner thiscrazy old BLanp- | ror and his numerous slips are knocked away, | | the better it will be for the of business | | and the smoothness of all parli tary “ ways.” | —— re powerful than ordi powder.” hat if the of £240,000, i beds ! ould ministers rather crack or crush each individual of these swarm- | ing myriads at several hundred pounds a-head? Do they kill their own thus? If there is nothing in his Lordship’s plan, why don’t they say | so? If there is anything, why not try it? If they fail—they fail, and | there is a little more money lost. If they succeed there is an end of the | War, and (perhaps) the Income Tax. It remains untried, and the people | don’t know the reason why. But Mr. Punch does. Dr. RicnaRpson points out that the mere publication of the note of Carrars Diswey’s | experiments, is sufficient to put every chemist in Europe up to the | composition of the substance with which his projectile is charged, and | to enable such a fellow as Jacost to employ it against us. This will | by-and-by be done. The reason why the rmment, and ially the Board of Ordnance, is so apathetic in reference to this kind of i ventions, is, that it has not yet been done—that the Russians have | not hitherto succeeded in applying them to the destruction of the | British fleet. Should they persevere and succeed in doing so, then, | perhaps, the Committee of the Board of will be reconstituted | on the model of the Commission for exploring chemistry and mechanics | in order to exterminate us, which has been established by our savage | but sharp foes at St. Petersburgh: unless, indeed, ministers shall have Russians having | se to be what he asserts it. bombarded the Treasury from London Bridge. } | | “Descend, Ye Nine!” From the opera of the E/otle du Nord we learn the important his- | toric fact, that Peren tue Great suppressed nine letters of the | Russian Alphabet. However, we are secretly informed, that these nine | letters will shortly be restored, out cf compliment to Mr. GLapsTons | having given his name, which also consists of nine letters, to the extension of Cossack barbarism. THE WAY OF THE WORLD. | ' “I sxe of you to understand, Sir,” said a phi ic beggar, “ that | though I am asking for a penny, I am not fc want of it.” The penny was instantly given.

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" Cry eres Vv rr ereRe OOD Y a _ ’ Avevst 1], 1855.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 61 NINETEEN FORTUNES FOR THREEPENCE. uxcu sees that a fellow advertises» ; that for twelve stamps he will send }} acire F g a person to earn an income in “nineteen respect- i) able ways ;” one of which is, pro- }} bably, the o ; means of such promises as the advertiser's. One of these hum- having secured the stamps he writes to his du that they may earn a respestable nae by bu ater a roasting and selli them about the streets by retail this too may be another of the nineteen ways in question. Mr. Sash, Goes to undersell the : by offers to apprise the of nineteen ways of earning an income, all for the price of t. B 1. Send round s circular, Fungus, Di P t. Fungus, in want of a new cocked-hat for the beadle 2. Be a stockjobber. 3. Get hold of a piece of ground in a densely populated ‘poor neigh- bourhood, run up a of i nueeted, and un hale some cottages, and let them to needy families at extortionate rents. 4. Organise a Benefit Society, be the treasurer Ee make your brother its actuary, your brother-in-law its lawyer, hold its meetings at a ee ge ng Hymne SE. when you got a your cousin take you through the Insolvent Court. 5. Go into the House of Commons as an “ independent” member, and transfer your allegiance in return for a good place. 6. Open a private bank, and convert your customers’ money and securities te your own use—only get your passport Jcfore you suspend payment. 7. Set up a rete’ shop, and “warrant” electrot gold. Here you will need no passport, the little misdes- cription “not being held to exceed the ordinary licence of commerce.” 8. Enter into business as a baker, and take care that your loaves contain the due commercial proportion of ground bones, mashed potatoes, and alum. 9. Become a patron of the manly sport of horse-racing, bet as heavily as you can, receive all that you win, and then discover that the excite- ment of losing compels you to seek the sea-breezes at Boulogne. 10. Another way. Enter horses for races, and study the noble art of “seratching,” with due regard to your,“ book.” ll. Buy a suit of black, get up some conventicle slang, and visit about at serious widows’ houses as a “dear brother in the ministry,” not over- ing in “ this world’s goods,” but very partial to hot buttered muffins. Best let the watches and spoons alone, perhaps. 12. Get a dabbler in mechanies to draw up pane particulars of an impossible invention, and do you go about persuading enthusiasts with capital to advance you money to obtain a patent. This device can, of course, be repeated ad infinstum. 13. Make a pill, paste, or liquor, (better not let it be actively poisonous,) spend ten thousand pounds in advertising that it cures everything, and in ten years retire with a hundred thousand pounds of the money of fools who have believed you. P . pak eee ee hag —— = of Oe who ire i who somehow know ns who know i ae know indiveianls who know the wives of perso- nages who have the ear of au.horities who advise head-juarters. 15. Take a contract for supplying some branch of the service with clothes and food, and mind that the clothes are rotten, and the preserved meat to mateh. 16. Sell a five-act Elizabethan play to a theatrical manager. 17. Go to the bar, and attack or defend at the bidding of any scoundrel who can afford to hire you. 18. Import original pictures by the great masters; but, as you will ; have them manufactured in own ‘back premises, you will not, of course, warrant them to purel but only show a faded pedigree, strongly attested, and prepared in the same loeality. 19. Sell “ unnecessaries of life” to foolish young men at a College, ' ee , enclosing im an envelope, directed to | card, for eoin, and urging that the Church of | (population 11,871 sow/s), is dreadfully on credit, ask sixty per cent. over the fair price, and then lend them money at a hundred per cent. to pay you not to expose them to their parents. Now in this moral, civilised, and Christian “nineteen means of earning an income” are them are in the highest degree “ respectable,” and lead their followers to honour andemolument. Mr. Punch submits that in suggesting them, he has honourably earned his threepence. GERMAN ARMOUR; OR, MAIL AND FEMALE. Tae German warrior was, of yore, array’d in fashion grim, A dragon on his helm he wore, an iron suit clad him ; His bonnet now of straw should be, with ribbons for a crest ; In silk or muslin, cap-d-pic, our Teuton be 4 pen ne ae epee Lae Gauntlets of iron Hem Tricolours and Union-Jacks for England and for France. PLUSH UNDER SCHEDULE D. A Gewrnat meeting of the Livery of the West-end as well as the City, that is, of the metropolitan domestics in the service of the fashion- able and classes, was held yesterday evening at Junxiys’ utteten ta) Hotel. the meeting was convened in consequence of a letter si “Omega,” which appeared lately in the Zimes, proposing to ex the Income Tax to stewards, butlers, grooms of the chamber, cooks, upper coachmen, sy ay yoy and si eens of the ee sex, receiving from £50 to £100 a-year w lodging, light, fire, and food, and to assess those tiomen and ladies under D. Tae Dvxe or Pn«xico filled the chair very completely in the person of tnat nobleman’s butler, and in spite of some difficulty of aking attendant on a plethorie state of succeeded in ex- plaining the object of the meeting, amid murmurs cries of “ shame!” e Manovis or Bayswater, represented by one of his 7 footmen, rose to move a resolution that the proposed extension of Hincome Tax to gentlemen and ladies in domestic service was 4 unjust, himpolitic, and ridiclous suggestion. The Noble Lord said he would stand by his horder. Hignorance of taxation had been their rivilege time out of mind. It was hy from plush, and e opedfit would hever remain so. “| is taxes?” ever be the proud question of a gentleman olding the hoflice which he had the honour to fill. He didn’t know, and he didn’t want to know, what they was, and should resist every attempt to give him any information on that unpleasant subject. The resolution was seconded by Sra Grones Trsuny, Banowert, who derives his family name from al of the family in which he is situated. Sir Georcer dwelt upon the injustiee of taxing a part only of the master’s wealth and taxing the servants’ hail. A gentleman wearing ination, as well as the boots, of Mowtacur Bauton, Esq, moved a resolution pledging the assembly to use its utmost endeavours to frustrate any attempt on the part of Government to render the gentlemen and ladies of ladies and gentlemen subject to Income Tax. It would be no ard matter to to any sitch scheme in case it was started. The legislature was in the ands of valley-de-shams, and if they found any such projick was — —~_om they would only ave to give warnin’ and by one another. Lozp Mazyuznowz, a nobleman by the courtesy of the cloth, seconded the resolution. His lordship observed that service was no ineritance, and the wages that ought to go into the savings’ bank didn’t ought to be grabbed by the Exchequer. } food, lodging, &c., but what then?.What became of all that, if they out of Nace ? While he was on that pint he would say one thing. Bie did t ink the case of the Curates would be uncommon ard if they reiiieeteeineeinennin aehéediiiiesdiieeeiinetie. onic s aT ene —_ i ne cL | ll teenie ———

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——— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Avevst 11, 1855. , th as well as other servants, for be was mostly an 4 ' ot the income Tax om cely seldom lived in the Rector’s family, and in general | SEASIDE INTELLIGENCE. “eine ton having given three for all taxes whatever, adjourned, 2m its depth ; ft — i the letter + Lag ate out to principally to the he Houses o Lords oak Conant and the Opera, where they |. .mewbat greater evth, it would be all stationed themselves on the carriages of noble lords and bonourable gentlemen. common decency, if that can be called somewhat rare on the sands at Ramsgate. \| || \ z= in full play, and the “ favourite tenor \\t . y i= , fall sing, warbling Ben Boit to the captiv: i , aged young ladies in beehive hats, and =) DEAE sort of second-childhood juvenility. rrvicr The Sea-side commerce is limited to La ' pineushions, 2 smal! bundle of white boas, i) a doubtful lot of Chelsea buns, and a parcel af } ye An attempt nas been made to introduce WF trade, by a melanchol fp ny has Se BS over is Pas | along ae, toy Pf prices hed horns, which he off which nobody makes a bidding. | public that the proprietor of the ae | did not know what to do with them, where to put \aee fo ourey them, aod Beene, camps ) c himself in the same dilemma. The man the horns is, in fact, becoming rather an object of sympathy, fi i | the general belief that, if he should become worn out with | his eccentric burden, and were to offer to give the horns | away, nobody would be willing to — 4 ban of the very conspicuous article by which he is constantly accompanied. PENAL MASQUERADE. Ir anybody wants to make a fool of himself, one very good way is to put on a mask'and an absurd dress, and go and dance therein at Drury Lane or Vauxhall. It is never- theless possible to make a more foolish use of a mask and | a costume than this, by which amusement is sought, and, by persons of weak "intellect and depraved taste, obtained. It is possible to dress other people m a ridiculous manner, ‘and to mask them, with a view to—their moral reformation. This is what is done by the authorities who direct the arrangements of the model prison at Winchester. The conviets detained in that gaol, besides being clad it dresses, have masks affixed to their faces in coming to and from their respective cells. causing the rogues to wear a mask: is consistent enough |with the Ticket of Leave system, which makes bypoerites. - THE THAMES AND ITS TRIBUTARIES. | JOHN THOMAS COMPLETELY NON-PLUSHED. To look at the many floating masses that make of the Tax Collector. “Joux Tuomas Moorcatr?” Thames a perfect sink of corruption, one would imagine John Thomas, “ — Esquire, Taat’s Mr!” that in London it never rained anythmg but literally “cats Tar Collector. “THEN BR SO GOOD AS TO FILL UP THIS IncomE-Tax Parer, aND and dogs,” and that they all found their way down to the RETURN IT TO ME BEFORE Twenty Days!” river. A SCRAP OF COLLECTIVE WISDOM. A TOWN OF TREES. Mr. Narten is reported to have made a rather wise speech onthe| We learn from the Morning Post that— motion for going into Committee on the Sale of Beer Bill. According | «rhe trees in the Champs Biyctes bave just had numbers attached to them, similar to the 7imes— to those of the houses of the streets N of jon that the of the bill not in which th eves cheat Megha Boa but at Fay — time he “thought Don ald not be On what pene the numeration of the trees in the Elysian Fields worthy of the House to repeal in one session an act passed in the preceding session.” of Paris has been decreed, our unsatisf inform us. We could understand why it m By parity. of reasoning, if Mz. Narter, were such a thing possible,|to number the trees in the Jardin Pogg -2- made a foolish speech at one moment, it would be unworthy of him to | tree may be destined to afford a locus standi to some ay analogue | retract it the next moment. Perhaps the reports by mistake, has sub- | of apple and oyster stalls, lemonade, and ginger beer, and toy ditto, and stituted * “worthy - for characteristic.” s Mr. Napier’s remark "aturs all hot :-—a 8 lendid little » table brent to be regular num- rss : ee it —— poorsaneg «A des =" eavantogs, = it nen bered, like a shop. In any obstrast —— trans, y, lor our | additional merit of sweetness which is necessary to render it, by t no farther than 1 t the popular similitude, Se, + oe adie See mala . F $gesue & Q = a LINES ON THE LAUNCH OF THE MARLBOROUGH. The Banker's Chapel. Tue Queen the signal gave; thes ae the ship, Sin Jonw Dean Pavt’s Chapel, Chelsea, is to be sold by auction Which slid a little: then refused in the course of this month. There are many reports as to the probable purchasers. The tion of London will—it is said—be among Police! ne bidders; with the intention of Agr & So Se into a ; iapel of Hate to Newente. By the oer foreshadowing | THERE seems no great reason to apprehend the introduction pom PK. attended last visit of 8 x J. D. Pavt to his own England of Yankee Tee-total yal legislation—the struggle should chapel. The text Senhed wus wes hie” Row BaBaBBAS was a eer eee One ee affair—the ines as Licking Law. Trimted iam Rradbary of No, 8, Cpper Wobare Vy =p Predevick Mallett Evans, of No. 2°, Queen's Read West. Regent's Pash, beth Se Go Path of heir , F. ow ~~ 5 sere, at 0 White in the City of Loudom and Publi-bed oF them at eet Ttme’, io the r ° Leadon —Sirvanay, August 11, 1965. = —_ » 4 85 _ PEs R77

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FF epi ierr on FPaeRSeeeaaeree = Ss ae BE s& | 8 ‘ | | | ’ | ground t | of course, | mentioned, actually came out again Avevst 18, 1855.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 63 A BIBLIOMANIAC. Somenopy advertises a complete set of the London Gazette, from 1810 to 1854, which is offered to the attention of the literary world and book-collectors in general. We dare say a pur- chaser will be found, inasmuch as there is | ey motes Soe en oe Same | which some ot! person 1s prepared y, _at some price or other. We confess the collec- tion does not offer much temptation to us, though the work may suit the tastes of many. Sock» So puus tae telbageie of ie ak ies 0 t we Reed there are some to whom the intelligence of the misfortunes of others is always ble. Others there are who would find a censurable satisfaction in reading the lists becoming name, with ail the peers, baronets, and kni = at w the collection commences. We the par- chaser of the work will favour us with his name and ad for we should like to include him in the index of a small book we possess containing the lives of remarkable characters. We the buyer, whoever he may be, will find that book, im the language of the reviewers or puffs, | “ will repay perusal.” The Shell King. | Everyzopy knows that Fexprvayp, King of Naples, is also called Bowes. Fexprayp is PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKESPEARE. “ Stay, my lord, And let your reagon with your CHOLER question "— .Y' 7 80 ayy lag as be is or, at least, of eggs; for ie subjecto a0 tn aumee of tell tatiana t> on all sides by a regular Commission which his y bas established for administering the | inado. These unfortunste eggs must feel Henry VITI., Acti., Scene 1. \their yolk intolerable. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. August 6, Monday. Baron Repespart, Viscount Castwo, whose residence is Moreton-im-the-Marsh, and whose motto is Stick-in-the-Mud, tried to prevent the introduction of the Amended Beer Bill, on the there was “no ” in the matter. His Lordship’s appearance is so exactly that of a pious butler, that nobody was astonished at his dignified contempt for the “ poor creature, small beer ;” but other Lords t ht that the demands of the people were always matter of urgency, and the bill was read a second time by 25 to 16, and has sinee n passed. In the Commons, the Criminal Justice Bill, a measure intended to save accused parties from a long and demoralising imprisonment, =, by a lawyer, CaamBers, but read a third time ; the Charitable Trusts Bil), which is designed to keep charities out of Chancery, was also opposed, mutilated in order to save any part of it. what remains. Tuesday. In the Lords, Lonp Casrxo, of Stick-in-the-Mud, above he Commons have pass ent the introduction of the Limited Liabilities Bill, but was beaten | y 38 to 14. On Thursday, Lory Camrsew. tried to render the | measure as useless as possible, p By per: to exclude “ small | i j isions, but this ridiculous attempt was suc- | cessfully resisted. s The the Turkish Loan Bill, Lorp Sr. Leowanps | havi it on the previous night, and that unfortunate word “ solidairement” having again come under discussion. The Lonp Cuance.ior thus admits, that, according to our usual way of managing , matters, England has got herself bound “jointly and severally,” while France is bound “jointly” only; but Caaswortn adds that “it’s of mence.” May be so, but we don’t want a Toots for Chan- | | no conseq | cellor, nor slovenly bungiers for treaty-makers. In the mons Lozp Joux Russzut took the opportunity of | trying to put himself in a better ition with the country, but had | better have held his tongue. He talked about the ex ive character | of the War, about nothing havi i tic, and about | dangers to the common cause in Asia, and about the propriety of ac- | cepting the Jast Austrian proposal. He complimented the Turkish | part to Vienna as one of the “best informed men in| ;” but, as Mr. Punch had the pleasure a short time ago, of chiefly by lawyers, and had to be great! | recording the interview between the Turk and the Whig, the nation | will understand what Lorp Joun’s opinion on the subject is worth. | Then he made "en and sentimental harangue about the way in | which civil and reli liberty is ou in Italy, and much of what he said was very true; and, as thes was merely an advertisement, in case the nation should happen to want a Liberal statesman of philan- thropic tendencies, Lory Jouwn will be good enough to send eighteen and sixpence to our Office in return for our thus copying it. Lorp Patwerston laid it rather well into Mra. Grapstowe for hi ious | peace-mongering, after having helped to get us into war; and he sum- | marily disposed of Lory Jouy’s twaddle by announcing that he should | prosecute the War with the utmost vigour, and that the opinion of the | Turks was of no consequence, as it was for France and England to say when enough had been done. He admitted the truth of the Italian ure, and on Friday night, when that well-meaning but weak-minded man Catholic, Mr. eR, essayed a defence of the Ecclesiastical Governments of Italy, Patmenston told him that the best thing he could do for his elients, was to hold his tongue. As Austria, the Premrer declared, rather significantly, that she maight not fight for us; but he would guarantee her not j By a curious against us. as an obstruction, and tried to | coincidence, Kossuta happened at this very moment to be drinking the health of Mazzit. Mr. Vernon Surru, the King of India, brought forward his Budget in the Commons, and showed (rather reluctantly) that the East India Company has, for a set of City merchants, singularly mismanaged the splendid country entrusted to them. are in debt to the amount of £2,£00,000 ; a shan surplus has been previously exhibited, as a com- mercial dodge ; their accounts are confused and mystifying ; and there is no longer any hesitation in admitting that torture is employed in police and revenue cases. The decisions of their local courts were stated to be a mass of contradiction and folly ; and, altogether, the affairs rd India present the strongest conceivable case for administra- tive reform. Wednesday. The Commons were engaged in working up the fag-ends of measures, and generally clearing away for the recess. Thursday. Rather a day to be noted, There was a bill called the Leases of Settled Estates Bill, which some thought would enable Sir Tuomas Witsox to steal Hampstead h. The promoters of the bill said that this was not so, but there must have been some grounds for the suspicion, or the law officers of the Crown would not have introduced into the measure a new clause expressly pointed at Tomar, VOL, -.XIX. bs orn aie

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| when he is half-stifled. J 64 whose enclosing movements people have learned to regard with a remarkably vigilant eye. After much discussion on the subject, the Leases Bill was thrown over sltogetber ir the Commons; so, whatever Tommy’s powers may be, they have not been increased by anything done m Parliament this year. To fr. Punch’s solemn warnings, given some weeks ago, this lucky escape is due. é saving the country only about once a-week, while the 7izer, according to its own statements and those of its correspondents, saves the nation at least four times a-week, besides keeping its eye on the beer-barrel. Lowy Patmerston being asked, whether Joseru Hume was to have a statue, replied that he himeelf had made a speech in Hume’s honour, which Pam evidently considered quite as distinguished a tribute. Friday. The Lox» Cuancettor said he would bring in the Tommy Wizsow bill the very first thing next year, and the law Lords were pathetic about the rights of Lords of Manors. This shows what was in the wind. P The Commons did what they could, and havin ¢ through their own business, had to sit waiting for Bills from the Lords. Mr. Punch, happening to look in about half-past eight, told them they need not stay any longer, as it was a hot night; but they could come on the next day, Saturday, and finish off as much of their work as possible, which they did. THE WORKING MAN'S GUIDE TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM. Tue British Museom is open on Mondays, Wed- nesdays, and Fridays gratuitously ; however, you will practically be unable to avail yourself of its advantages without money. Its doors may be open to you three times a-week, but they cannot admit you more than twice in twelve months. Except on Easter Monday and Whit Monday, you are hard at work on every working day throughout the year ; tinkering, tailoring, shoe- making, hammering,saw ing, planing, chiselling, centre-bit-driving, rasp- ing, filing, bricklaying, pamting, plumbing-and- ’ glazing, and so on, as the case may be. There- fore, if you want to see the British Museum you must, as Jago telis Rode- rigo, put money in your purse. For, although you may see it at Easter and Whitsuntide, you will see only it. You willsee it, and nothing but it; deacea bit of anything iteontains. You will be surrounded by a dense crowd of people, who will make the place too hot to hold you in any comfort. Besides being squeezed and jostled, you will be stewed in a close recking atmosphere. That atmosphere will contain a large quantity of carbonic acid gas and steam, which the multitude of men, women, and children that you are jam in have breathed out of their lungs. The carbonic acid gus will stupify you, and render you inc le of attending to the objects of art and natural history by which you are surrounded, even if now and then you su in forcing your way through the crowd so as to catch a glimpse of them. f It is not the circumstance of the people around you being working people that will make the place close and uapleasant. When the aristocracy are crammed together the nuisance is just as bad; and perhaps the worse for li, and other things of the civet kind. The skin does not exhale any products the less for being washed with RowLanp’s Kalydor, and if a dense mass of nobility were to keep breathing the same air, they would make themselves as mutually disagreeable, quite, as a body of the labouring classes similarly situated. This actually happens when the go to Court at St. James’s Palace, where they are penned up together in a passage, and stifle one another. Nobody can make any intellectual exertion You, in that condition, will be unable to tell a lion from a leopard, or to distinguish the bones of an Ichthyosaurus from the skeleton of a Mammoth. W hat delight, or instruction either, will you derive from the Greek and Roman sculptures, and the Egyptian and Assyrian remains, you being in a state of semi-suffocation ? As aforesaid, then, put money in your purse. If you want to see the British Museum, make money. Put by your wages. Under the system of limited liability, perhaps you will be able to invest them so advantageously as to realise, in some years’ time, an income sufficient for you to live upon without working. Then, it will be in your power to see the British Museum. You must not expect to see it before then. You mi to be sure, see it on Sundays, if you had a different sort of superior classes to legislate for you. You might inspect the leopards and the lions, the lehthyosauri and the Mammothe, the Elgin marbles, the Egyptian antiquities, Mr. Layann’s balls, and ali the other wonderful works of art and nature contai im the Museum, if the inspection of such objects on a Sunday were not a heinous sin, and if you were not blessed with pious and holy betters, who prevent you from committing that sin; a sin first PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR He merely mentions it—not for applause— being im the habit of {Avevsr 18, 1855. IVARL. discovered by the Puritans of Caomwexx’s time, whose doctrine on this point we follow ! How much happier you are than the French ! They have no kind Peers and Members of the House of Commons to restrain them from com- mitting spiritual suicide by walking over the Louvre on a Sunday. On the contrary, their Government is so regardless of their true welfare, so indifferent to their highest interests, as to give them, by an act of despotic power, admit- tance to the Paris Industrial Exhibition on that holy day which your more benevolent and en- lightened rulers, by constitutional means, endea- your to oblige you to devote to the serious contemplation of brick walls. How tender your superiors are for your souls! They really seem to love them more than their own. Witness the i to be seeh on Sundays at the gate carriages of the Zoological Gardens, and at the Star and Garter at Richmond. that the working man shall never see the British It is their determination | Museum but on a working day. Of course that | determination must be sn to. Therefore, again, put money in your purse, in order that | you may see the British Museum before you die on a working day, or you will never see it. A THAMES’ DITTY. Come where your nose will quiver, Down by the dirty river. Bring not alone some Kau de Cologne, Sut all the seents you own. Perfume of sweetest roses We need for our outraged noses, When its odour the Thames discloses— Such smells were never known. Come just above the Tower, Sit there for half-an-hour ; Bring not alone your Zax de Cologne, But all the scents you own. Sniff when the tide is flowing, Sniff when the wind is blowing, Sniff where the sewers are going To add to Thames’ filth their own. Come, &c. &c. THE PROGRESS OF CANT. Appgats in favour of all sorts of charitable institutions with pious pretensions are flying about the country by post, and in most of them may be noticed the following words :—“ Owing to the failare of Messrs. Srranan, Pavl, anp Co., we suffer loss.” “ Birds of a feather flock together ;” and we eannot help feeling that in many in- stances Cant has been attracted by Cant, for several prospectuses we have seen are as tho- roughly crammed with the verbiage of piety as the mouths of the peecant bankers were stuffed with the sort of phraseology that is usually but improperly supposed to dengte religion. We seriously recommend to all really charitable institutions to abandon as soon as possible the practice of filling their circulars with bits from the Bible ; for the public have been so nauseated by the pious frauds and religious humbugs which have recently been brought to light, that nine- teen persons out of twenty consign at once to | documents i the waste-paper basket all do texts are sprinkled about with most obtrusive irreverence. Curious Phenomenon of Colours. Accorptne to the evidence adduced before the Adulteration Committee, it appears that ickles are coloured by copperas; the result ing, that the more the pickles are done green, — more the purchasers thereof are done rown. in which |

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Aveust 18, 1855.) __ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 65 A DISGRACEFUL ABETTOR OF INTEMPERANCE. \\ \ a 1. ’ ‘= \.\ Pat: \% UNI ‘\ y? ag: “4 =~ will soon become disgusted health by some hydropathie doetor; and the chances are that the E hear such has, been | It is our belief that Old Father Thames himself filth in which he is condemmed to wallow, just as if it were a sitz-bath of mud prescri his | TUMBLE DOWN OF DOWNING STREET. the terrifying effect | Tas localit eS oeali y has lately shown a disposition al the Thames? to sympathise with the system, and it has been Water; as exhibited |(XPCcted that official routine and Downing at the Polytechnic Street will go tumbling to the nd together. that several con- It is not strange that where the wildest confu- firmed ‘Teetotallers 0", tas prevailed the tenements in which it have given up the exists should have gone crazy. We quite coin- practice of water- cide im the opinion of the proper authorities, drinking, and since on it is useless to attempt to patch up Downing taken, as s sanitary |e. SY longer, and that a thorough recon- recaution, to the| ‘iruction 9 the only remedy forthe evils com- imbibing only of wine | Pt’ Sied It is ew that the French alliance and ardent spirits. | as supplied a sort of cement for official use, but They defend them. | t.¢ven the plaster of Paris can any lon available to keep the old system together. The selves by saying, that t tay oe te quarters asst poisoned, they prefer for F the pleasanter poison of the two; and that, | ABeRDeEN’s time the Paumren is said to have oreign with the abominable s Psalmody im A Minor. r old gentleman | | will in time be c led, in mere self-defence, to take to drinking. His urn, from whieh! Tiene is « class of people commonly called a limpid stream once to flow, will be turned probably into a monster dram-bettle, or | psalm-singers, not because any Ae accustomed to sing the compositions of the Hebrew Monarch | else you will see him ving stupified on one of bis own banks with a barrel of XXX wer be | assigned to the ministers have been in | such a dilapidated condition that the Secretary was) obliged to have his | dinner dressed out of doors, and in Loxp | sooner than be reduced to the necessity of swallow- | : , ' ing such impurities as have made the river their} oad pore for the way, Sod bis oft to | sewer-residence, they prefer the risk of all the! jive y —. ’ ~aeee 3 ces | headaches in the world. Thus the cause of Tem-|+,. oo —— oaks ir thet thee | runs the danger of being drowned in a hones pathgne they hed om Awl itch, because there happens to @ scarcity of stand im thee ala ied ‘it till. they water that is drinkable. fell, the effect would lee truly calamitous. | | | | under his d the beer frothing freely from it. We should not be surprised to see in a decent manner, but by reason.of being ad- | “f wl opaiveses eimpount sieantiens in his honour, under the name of “Oxp Fatuee| dicted to the droning of a melancholy sort of | | Tuames,” just as we have at present our “Old Tom,” and which will be sold at all) devotional doggrel through the nose. chemists, as the very best remedy for correcting the effects of the present abominable Water. | duce a rival in the shape of a Sea Devil > Thames MONSTERS WILL NEVER CEASE. Now that the Sea Serpent has gone down—by the way, it is very doubtful whether it ever came up,—an attempt is being made to intro- il to the gobemouche part of the community. This very odd fish is described in terms that completely | | | | ; . The adds, that the but we should very much doubt take the wind out of the sails of everyone who would run it down as “very like a whale ;” and, indeed, the account is almost sufficient to stop the voice of the caviller, by knocking all the breath—figuratively of course—clean out of his body. The Sea Devil is said to have a mouth two-and-twenty feet in extent, which may be su d to leave a very wide opening for conjecturé, on the part of those who are distinguished for | their capacity to swallow anything or everything that is submitted to | their notice by the medium of what are called “crammers.” A mouth | of such dimensions mug‘ form a very important feature, and, indeed, a | | solitary feature, for there can be little room for amy other, as vei' her | nose nor eyes can be said to “have it” im the neigtibeurhood of mouth so extensive, that it ean down a human being entire without 2P. the slightest necessity for an : Devil can “ swallow # mam willi ease,” the “ease” of the a, if the feelings of the victim are to be i If the Sea really | exists as described, we would give the creatare credit, not only fee! swallowing a single individual mouthful, but we should not be at a | Surprised to-bear, that he had gobbled up Barcnay, Penains, Mevx, | pen may be smidto have been equal | new and as the head is said to form s crescent, we may Comse, Derarrecp, and their i . We congratulate the intelligent penny-wliner, has made a discovery which will replace the enormous , and other vegetable curiosities upon which the paragraph-mongers have lived s> long that the cabbage and the | worn to the stump'im the process of il is, for the moment, somethin t to find, as the subj of future an aveurate account of the houses | built on canenal na Ge pital te cham they anv innabied Notice or Motiox.—Farly next session, Mz. ScuonerieLp to move’ reiterated description. The Sea | for a Committee to inquire into the adulteration of materials that i t. ——__ Members of | writer | siom of the Han }eaused these psalai-singers‘to sing very smi. HOW “PUNCH” IS TREATED IN RUSSIA. It is said | / that the relaxation of the Sunday Beer Bill has | | James Canr, an English workman, has written a brief but aT | intelligent account of his sojourn in the interior of Russia. Lnglis newspapers are cireulated with blank columns; “‘and so expert are they,” says our workman, “that they, (i.¢., the Russians,) ean com- pletely erase the print om one side without injury to the other.” The that this must be done with sand-paper, or something similar! Joun Baicut, he is so very clearly Russian that no —_?— of sand is applied to him. It is other wise with poor Punch ; or, says our travelied English workman :— L have seen Prnck ao much disfigured that the owner has not had as much reading left as the breadth of his hand for his money. That the Russians cam so cleverly deal with facts that they can erase “all one side of tlem” to their own advantage, has been again and again shown ; and never more clearly than in the Muscovite ver- little for the cepinuion of the process of erasure; for he has this best and sweetest consolation, timt no matter how much Russian sand- paper'may be bestowed upon him, uo quantity soever of such scouring camever make him—Baicut ! Red Coats im Court. Inter arma silent leges. Not so, Louw Camruent. He likes to see a = = court i rye ~ nerves = grease ry to bear the sight of them, be hopes shall isebarge his duty with less comfort because of their ”” Phere is an old circuit toast, “ the glorious uncertainty of the law.” Now red coats in court will give a deeper significance to this toast; for contrasting wi'h the black of the bar, they may further illustrate the uncertainty of rowge- et-noir. CENES IN THE FESTIVE CIRCLE !—Stowor Insomnvs (the well- known Tumbler), gives notice that be has again joined the Festive Circle, in which he has so often figured, and is happy to state that, the Crab and Lobster Season, be will a4 usual go through his daring Evolutions on celebrated Wito Sreep oF THe Pamrans, knowe ali over the world as the Furious Nightmare.—N.B. For terma, inquire at all Supper- Houses. Massacre. For Mr. Punch’s own part, he cares | a na gee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. — [Aveusr 18, 1855, THE HEAD AT THE BANQUET. Scexe.—The Ministerial Whilebait Dinner at Greenwichy The Company very merry: Mr. Punch rises through the Epergne, and bespeaks the guests, Hexe’s crispness to your Whitebait and savour to your Punch ! You know me by my bright pate, small legs, and double buach. You're familiar with Macbeth’s head, that foretells the Thane’s bad end, And the Egyptian death’s-head—that grim good-natured friend, To diners in their glory, at Thebes and Memphis old, Which as memento mori, unpleasant truths out-told. So Punch, your weekly Mentor the session through, From this Sovtal circle’s centre has a few last words for you. For jaunty Pam, and warlike Pay, for Lanspowwe wise and old : | For you, my gallant youngsters, Ancyie and Granvitze bol | Guey, CLanewpon, and Lewits—Mo.eswortn in place at last -: | For you, men of the fature—for you, men of the past. | For the last time the Lords’ Order has to the wall been thrus | To the wrath of my Lonp Repesparz and my Loap Gaey’s disgust. | From the pocket of Joms Bu1i—that milch-cow that ne’er goes dry,— | You have wrung, with dexterous squeeze, some more runnings of supply, | The last Bill has been rattled through at twenty knots an hour, Knots—each of which ere Easter had cost weeks of talking power. With their marimum of committees and their minimum of debate, | The concluding month of work crowns the previous five of prate. Now M.P’s about their business of pleasure have been sent ; | Parler aod mentir jom no more to make up Parliament. The time of words is at an end, the time of deeds begun : | There is a pause from making laws to getting work well done. | Let me warn you of last winter, of the fate of AnenpeEn ; Be blind like him, your lot will be what his sad lot has been. Think that Eogland has borne once what she wil! not bear again, Her gallant soldiers perishing, in hunger, cold, and pain. | Melted from off the hill-sides, and En | Helpless to meet t | While ministers were resting or running to and fro, : | To bath and moor and lecture-room—that host, like snow in snow, stood aghast, he cry for help that came en every biast, Yet willing, as she was, and is, and will be to the last. That ery, this winter, will raise more than motions in the House : The mountain may breed earthquakes, when you look but for a mouse. lot to it, merry ministers, a distant thunder rolls, here bolts may not be conjured by points or protocols. The devil is abroad—-to work out the devil’s plan ; Though in your eyes he wear the guise of a perfect gentleman. He must be chain’d, and fetter’d fast within his northern den— This is no play for lordlings, but it is work for men. The right bands must be found for this, thou; The right words must be used for this, t they | The country’s heart is great, the country’s eye is wide— ; Obey you what that heart suggests, go where that eye doth guide. courtesie. The wind is sow’d—you deem’d it but a petty eddy’s sweep : | Look out such gear as they must use who the whirlwind have to reap. | Rise to the pressure of your needs—the measure of your cause : | Be what those should be who assert great God’s eternal laws. | If in those laws’ assertion parepe turn to one vast pyre, Let the flame rage :—the God that lights, doth he not guide the fire ? BA: ’ The Russian Orator. accession of literary talent in the articles of a new contributor. individual is the Rieut Hoy. W. E. Grapstows, late Cuaxcetion oF nem Masesty’s Excnequer, whose in Parliament in behalf of the Russian cause will be published in those journals, and will powerfully tend to animate the subjects of the Czan against the Allies. We are not prepared to state, what the Right Hon. Gentleman will get by bis contributions to the Russian papers; but we trast that the University of Oxford will give him the sack. =4 s That ’ . oe ee SS — a> SSS — =_ ss Dirty Little Boys. “ Cuuck us vows a Coprgr on a Bir o’ Canryet Pupprye, ur sonte Sweus.”, bands they be— | Tue Invalide Russe and the Journal de St. Pétersburg have gained a |

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| 1 4 5 = i= =~ ‘ = Be Sa = = — i = +e -——— Le ‘-e 2 : = 4% / = — —— _- — ——— ———. i THE MINISTERIAL WHITEBAIT DINNER—IN VINO VERITAS. Pam (to I—rd Panm—re). “I SHAY, OLE FELLAH!—WHAT A JOLLY LOT OF HUMBUGS WE ARE!” o-oernipaaaetlctinar ne

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There i senting quie! ne his mot uestio the wa sleepin, the dea

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Avetst 18, 1855.} There is senting quietness by the handiwork of the bricklayer ! his motion ; and the Bishops take their triumphant stand upon a brick wall. The question, nevertheless, remains unsettled, as to the depth of the foundation of the wall, . : . sleeping six, eight, nay ten feet deep in the earth—it can have no conservative eff ct; that Mra. Hvcues should be sent out with hiss CHURCHYARD CLAY. It is not enough that Churchman and Dissent- er, lying in the church- yard, should have become so much clay—they must have a barrier of clay between them. Bishops do fight for bricks! Hence, Lorp Eprrive- TON, who just now seems to have quite a rash of liberality broken out upon him, proposed a clause in the Burials’ Bill, “ pro- walle that it — -o necessary for the burial- ground of any parish to do more than of demareation had been made between the parts intended for the inter- ment of members of the Church of England and others.” Bishops, it seemed, require walls to separate the dead of the Established Church from PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. prove that a regular line | selves to themselves,” the wall is a delusion; a mere flam of burnt clay, in no manner carrying out the purposes of Christianity. Mr. W. J. Fox spoke against any wall soever: a wall would be “unseemly in the extreme!” But this it is to be a liberal! When how much real piety would not only have a wall between the established dissenting, but a wall surmounted by a stout, strong chevauz-de- Frise 7 Str Georce Grey gave assuring eomfort to certain members, pained by certain doubts. There was no fear that the dead would be otherwise than piously interred. For “if clergymen buried the dead im unconsecrated ground they violated the feelings of the members of the Church of England, and”—and this i# a themselves of their fees;” a ivation hardly to be thought of. That earth is only eonsecrated that yields money; it is no Christian burial-ground, unless it also partakes of the qualities of gold and silver mines. Now, if there must be lines of demareation, why not mark them in lines of flowers? Why not let the final bed of the Churchman and the bed of the Dissenters be sepa- | rated by a bed of heartsease; a line of = ay pe a strip of amaranth ? And here and there the herb of grace ? } But no, as the bill has passed, the Bishops may insist |upon a wall—so much toleration in burnt clay. The Germans have a good name for a churchyard ; ker God’s field! A field that, according to the episcopal opinion, must bear a standing crop of bricks. the Dissenting deceased. | great conservative power in burnt bricks: and the established and dis- | ad will sleep the more soundly until the last day, if kept in peace and Lorp Esaricrton, however, lost If it be not sufficiently deep to separate the sleepers, some of them The Hyde Park Report. Mr. Supgrintenpent Hvucues has obtained “a long day :” the report of the evidence on Lonp Rosert Gros- vewor’s riots will not be ready, it is said before October. In the meantime, should the Kaffirs revolt, it is suggested to put the dead, according to the Christian meaning of the act, must be kept “them-| them down. THE LAUREATE’S VIEW OF WAR. A nation that suffers war might suffer a great deal worse, It is worse to crouch, and craw], and be tongue-tied, than to fight. A choice of the smaller evil, to either side a curse, by a deep foundation of brick, or | dead and the dead | ty—“and deprived | TENNYSON, you are an eminent bard; there is none of more note ; You have sung some eapital staves ; for example, your Bugle Song, Out of numerous noble lines which I wish 1 had room to quote. But I think that some of your views propounded im Maud are wrong. I shouldn’t object to War for “ shaking a hundred thrones,” Provided it left that one at Buckingham Palace firm. But I hate and detest it, because of its breaking brave men’s bones, And rendering many true hearts of heroes a meal for the worm. I cannot agree with you, that War is better than Peace, Because in Peace time men lie, and rob, and cozen and cheat. They will bam and bite the more as the Tax-man shears their fleece ; For nothing makes people thieve like the want of enough to eat. « Your “smoothfaced snubnosed rogue” has a large per-centage to pay On the gains of his fraudulent trade; that’s the worst of the War to im. Were a shell to burst in his shop, do you think he would not run away As fast as he possibly could, out of danger of life and limb ? But suppose such a snob could be, by the pressure of War’s distress, Compell’¢, or indueed, to chouse in a somewhat minor degree, And suppose he turn’d out with a stick if the Russians were off _ Sheerness, Would that be worth the blood that we shed by land and $ea ? Imagine your stomach pierced with the lance or bayonet’s point ; Just fancy your own inside with the bombshell’s fragments torn, Or a Minié bullet lodged in the middle of your knee-joimt, And a wooden leg, if you live, for the rest of your life to be worn. Beyond some, albeit, of course, how at years no one knows, The War cannot last ; what then? en the hurlyburly’s o’er Will the knaves net continue to swindle, do you And adulterate food and physic as much as they ded tbofove ? Better torment and death in the glorious field to brave, Than to run the risk of both, submitting to certain shame, Better the sabre-gash than the stripe that scores the slave. is all I can find to say for carnage, rapine, and flame. a War is murder upon the wrong, execution upon the right. I do not compare the British Grenadier to a sordid wretch For a suit of clothes and a guinea who chokes out another’s breath ; I esteem that gallant hero as a quite subiime Jack Kertcu, Who risks his own precious life in putting villains to death. But I grudge that brave man’s blood ; I think it a grievous thing That in sweeping off vile Cossacks a drop of it should be lost ; [ wish they could be destroy’d, as the felons at Newgate swing, Machinery and rope comprehending all the cost. But the miscreants are too strong, and battle alone remains, The means of ridding the world of the Czan’s enormous gang, And we are obliged to open our purses and our veins, To put the criminals en whom we cannot contrive to hang. | I abhor this War as much as I should a plague or a blight, I wish the loss of life and enormous expense might cease, But the more with dogged rage for that: very cause would fight In hatred of horrible War, and the hope to conquer Peace. A Bone to Pick with Lord John. a letter headed | THEeRe appeared the other day in one of the e do not think the with the words “ Lonp Jony’s last stake.” public care any more about Logp Jown’s last stake, than they do about | his Lordship’s Jast chop, which indeed can searcely be called his last, | for he is just as likely as the wind itself to O7a 4 ag offers. We cannot speculate as to the last chop of Lory Jon, but that he is by no means first chop has for some time been glaringly evident. THE LORD MAYOR'S COACH. | We hear that this vehicle has been valued by the City appraiser, | viously to its being offered for sale. We are not at liberty to state | amount of the valuation, but may be allowed to repeat the report, t the fleas—descended from Wurrrinetow’s cat—will be found worth half the money. ghee NS RR ~ ee hie

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SES PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Aveusr 18, 1855. | i | WHY SHE COULD NOT SMILE, DEAR MOTHER. } I canwot smile, dear Mother, And I know my look provokes My father, and my brother, ’ hen they ’ve made their little jokes. I heard the hint at “ ic,” [ heard the whisper, “ bile” — As we came away Chiswick— But alas, I cannot smile. Yet do not let them chide me, O, do not your girl— _ True, he was not me, And my hair was out of curl. at the reason was far other, For my sadness on our trip ; I could net smile, dear Mother, For my eold has erack’d my lip. «ea a0) hoes vel : ~ or The Progress of Russia. Mr. Guapstone pities the boastful effrontery | of England, that hopes to check the onward maren | of Russia. On she mast come; and our h dred millions a-year are only so papalios turned into ducks and drakes. Dz. Commaxe is of the same opinion. He} prophesies that “Rassia will, sooner or later, possess the Mediterranean, seize Paléstine, aud on its plains | finally perish amid the judgments of Heaven.” | Mr. pstowe does not go as far as the : : , | doctor. He allows that Russia must, despite “ You'm no call t laugh, young man. My complerion's as much a objeck to me as the first Lady | of us, get as far as the Mediterranean; but— of the Land's ia hern. \j ———————E—S__ SSCS "RABELAIS IN THE CRIMEAD ~ © How Raseais went back to the Palace of Sound, and hom t: 1. therein did hold April Fools’ day every day in the of the gigantic Roe that butted everybody. Po. Ovr ship, such as it was, progressed gallantly th the and dogs, the sewers, the gas and tan, the at es, leavings, bottles, tripe-cuttings, decomposed fish, condemned '¥ | the like delicacies, whereof this wondrous river doth consist, to the great Palace of Sound. In the which palace people did me to grow more insane than ever; and, sooth to ‘ ye oy ay penpeee to cane voice y by. a heart of ungs of leat and t o asses that go toac ) I never could give you even a fifth part of the nonsense I wit: are eepeales, end, De ome net. Oa eest Palace ¢ Soe. af Cat N pass—the and congue g or, no sooner the great and famous IMBODUS. than another frightful but brave beast got up. And this asses will be ashamed Ae lant Koe, who with his horns did buck, and poke, and butt, - the same animals which the great Gat had just so And be did say, that all the asses ought to be turned out, as to consort with the nobler beasts, and that the first thing out who the asses were. But as he that doeth wrong careth little for publicity there he that knoweth himself an ass writeth not down his title, so worthy Long-Ears stick to their thistles, and prefer their own the public air. But they did bray in vai, for that the Roe, was but weak in frame did so lay about him, that they did j from one thing to another, braying, lying, trifling, fiddling, play: fame called amendments, moving for nothing and ing the osing their temper, sucking connges, biting their lips or their playing at pitch and toss with soldiers, defending those who had to say for themselves, turning asses into horses, making moons @9 green Stiltons, fancying people believed in them ; and so did they themselves and the nation with all manner of Jacks in the G fights over which the great Bottleholder did preside (and whi always sold or crossed), jumping into sacks (for that many to go out), dack and drake with the people’s money, shooting bow about public services, making dirt pies out of other honesty—all the which some did assure me, was becanse in Palace cf Sound, the First of April did last all the season which reason they did seek to provide amusement for themselves people—especially as they were right well paid for their perfo And there was a something or other named Whom-to-F which did indite, write, and scribble certain rabbish to show

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——— SeeaeGeTes 'a@o SEOSCoGYS SRE BES SOTER | Pras is meas 4aooRr-e@ | exist independently of Pa sg Every Acoust 18, 1855. ] and yet lived for ten PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR IVARL 71 | i ld, had it grown up to man’s estate without brains, (RISH FREAKS OF NATURE. might not have been as dexterous in the manipulation | P ted Tape and as well adapted to that employment as most HE Morning Post of the officials in Dow ning Street. Of course the routine contains an account of functions performed during the first ten days of life of the Lonp Lrev- is very simple, and with the exception of sqnalling, which | TENANT OF Ike- requires lungs and larynx, demands no a — LAND’S late visié to to that of am oyster. As more than ten days general Dx. Moyteomery’s before babies begin to “take notice,” it is not ikely yt museum at Siz Pa- this one differed from the majority by —s = trick Dvzx’s hos- more than the average intelligence of that mo pital, Duhblim, and after ing =a various anatemica curiosities d| JUSTICE UNJUSTELY : esas t noble Lord, pam Tae time of Parliament has been on a measure mention that— bearing the name of the Criminal Justice meaning of Criminal Justiee? If ite Sustice it is not ojniton wee en ‘Criminal ; and if it is Criminal, it is mudoubtedly rather startliog tact that meet together with all the magistrates and demand the” integrity at fa | nauiry into the application of the epithet‘Oziminal to “rents al Ward, Tustin, It there is any Justice who-onght to be | to the discharge of called Criminal let his crime be brought 'to , and let ordinary tauctions “ot | the Justice be brought to Justi let hi injory | he‘brought to himself, at the is eens. Until so likely to interfere this point is settled there is not from the Lonp with those functions as| Curmsy Justice of the Queen’s Boneh, it is supposed. Amongst Justice of the Peace, who will not’ | sla Rothe was mats Justice disturbed hy the imputation achild who had no brain, days, perf do; and one of a child having its brain external to the The latter of these infant prodigies was a thoroughly Irish baby. It presents an heart on the sleeve, for daws, or other birds of prey to peck at; pac the former suggests comparisons of more practical interest. Portv@aL to Naples, alb the performed every function of life as well as other children Very delicate this of the much analogy to [ago’s idea of wearing the The brainless infant that of the same age, affords proof that a certain instinctive capacity for every funetion of life as well as children of that age usually the skull.” Delicate Attention of the King of Naples. We learn that on the occasion of the -visit of the Kve or were put in prison. iy. or Napves. routine can | Knowing how much beg ht upon body knew that such a faculty might be com- families by Portuguese Bete his "Majesty y of Naples patible with very little brain, but few were aware that it could be exercised would not awaken unpleasant memories in the sensitive respectively of any brain at all. It may be questioned by some people whether bosom of Portugal’s sovereign. MR. GLADSTONE’S PEACE SONG. Hear, Europe, and especially hear, Tp what I say! An honourable chance of peace Englan thrown away. Hear me proclaim my countrymen the he of all mankind, Pig-headed, proud, vindictive, greedy, quarrelsome, and blind. It is not my Russian friends, that now the war prolong, Tt is the Enlist aod the French, "and they are in the wrong ; Reverses too, yes, that ’s the word, reverses they have met In the Crimea; and will meet with worse reverses yet. The Government of Britain is by far the more to blame, "Tis dragging the French after it to play a desperate game, And sink down, down, for ever, into Ruin’s dark abyss, Defeated and dishonour’d, ’mid a European hiss. Ho, Russia, holy Russia! who thy warlike hosts can count ’ Thy destiny it is to rule supreme i mn Go forth and conquer, mighty Czar, for strong is thy right hand, Woe to the Anglo-Saxon slaves if thee they still withetand ! They for an Pate shadow fight—the freedom of the world ~ Thou in Reli name thy war-flag hast unfurl’d Against the — of the Charch all human arms are auek. The Church: I mean the Roman Church, and also mean the Greek. Thy warriors are a martyr-band whose progress nought can stop : =, march—not certam miles a day—they’ll march until they | meant are they of pin incapable of fear. What chance is there against them for the British Grenadier ? The people all are patriots; they "ll id their last copeck, That thou mayst place thy pm Ah me foot on prostrate ‘England’s They from no sacrifice will ~ pw for no A few more taxes will exceed what Englis Snap, then, thy fingers at thy foes, thou nothing hast to fear ; Thy triumph is if thou wilt only persevere : And that wilt, for thou art firm as well as good and wise, And overthrow thine enemies, and smite the blind Allies. rivation care, n can bear. Before them is the winter tein merge are they must — And there they ’ll have to undergo another atten The British troops again will want, again will p bm = pm a rot, Although we peaceful Peelites in the Cabinet are not. Ob, that the horrors they endured had, as I hoped they would, Our pe ople taught that to contend with Russia was not good ! We did our best to teach them that—our best are doing now : These are the sentiments I own: this purpose 1 avow! I am thankful for the liberty aceorded to my tongue, And — which the House has shown out the song I’ve And ‘Oxford will another time return me—I’m in hopes— To do the business of the Czar, and also do the Porgr’s. FROM CREMORNE TO THE CRIMEA. A connesponDent of thie Times, under the signature of N. R., has | suggested that, in order to make plans of the interior defences of Sebastopol, and surveys of the neighbourhood up to Simpheropol, a ‘veteran aéronaut” should be engaged, and poe 4 out to the Crimea with his balloon. N. ih points out that the balloon might be sent up on a calm day, out of range of the enemy’s rifle shot, and retained in its position by a long wire cord and a windlass, when an engineer with his “spy-glass” and other appliances could accomplish the desired object. This really seems to be a very feasible proposition, and accord- ingly we have the strongest reason for expecting that it will not be | | attended to. PHYSIC POR THE PHARISEES. ‘Tue amended Sunday Act relative to ng -houses is very-distasteful | to the Sabbatarians ; who, notwithstanding, or rather in consequence of its mitigated severity, consider it, seriously, a Bitter Beer Bill. _ Curmp’s Grooraruy. —Yes, my little ig yh railways in India are mostly called “ ‘I'ruok-lines,” because they carry t Elephants and their luggage. Crose cr THe Sasstow : Pourtica, Movewenwts.—Yesterday, Loup | Jou~ Russet left town for—Chaos. No time is stated for his return. Pen nha ili ae ihe Si Atal

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! ' | | hint the other day, that the | that every little urchin who produces some “ half-dozen best Indian,

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. fAceusr 18, 1855.

ee | “ GEROPIGA.” (Bacchanalian Song, No. 1—Aim, from Der Freischiitz.)

Daryx, drink, bumper on bumper pour ; ‘This is wine, and something more ; That fact there’s no blinking. Grape-juice, brandy, sugar brown, Elderberries—toss it down ! *Tis “ geropiga” we're drinking.

Wine, wine, what people call Port wine, Is the product of the vine In a scanty measure. Logwood gives it ruby hue, And it smacks of catechu, Headache will succeed our pleasure ! ( Bacchanalian Song No. 2.—At™ notorious.) A glass of “geropiga”’ fill, fill for me, Give those who can get it Port wine ; But whatever our liquor it brandied must be, There is no chance of French or of Rhine. And here while strong alcohol flares in the eye, And man’s queerest feelings s him, Here’s the health of the sage who would Claret deny, Here’s Sin Exenson Tennent—and bless him!

ase ¥ ie Ty SHALL JOSEPH HUME-HAVE A STATUE? Mr. Wiit1ams, member for Lambeth, has pe put this | timely question to the Prime Musister, and his Lordship, | by his manner of answer, would imply that the Government | only need a little gentle pressure on the matter. The old woman who lives in the Lane of Shoe asks, “What right has | Joszru Hume for 4 place among the worthies of West-| minster Hall?” Anyway, the right of exception; for | exception, that ordinarily proves the rule, in Joseru’s case | proves the triumph of the Rule of Three. Hume has richly | earned his statue. Let twopence in the pt for every | Young Sholomunsh (to Young Sxopiey, who is attired in his very best). “Now, Stn! | pound saved by Hume to the country, be taken tow: | Let ME SMELL You a nish Suvurr or CLOsHE, MAKE YBR GOOD aLLowaNce For | the cost of the statue, and we might have a statue, not of tax Otp Uns rer'’vE cor on!” (Snoper's feelings may be imagined. | marble, but of gott.

A VOICE FROM HOUNDSDITCH. Houwpsprtcu has its feelings, Petticoat Lane is sensitive as the | Av interesting literary question has arisen in nenee of the fol- polished mirror to the breath of calumny, and Rag Fair is ready to faint owing lines having been quoted in the Times from Ds. Warts, with | at the slightest imputation on its Tarckat hagdnerch J oo to | a passing remark on their somewhat ungrammatical character :— isplay iefs in Petticoat * Let dogs delight to bark and bite, include a few that had left the pockets of their For 'tis their nature to.” an unlawful manver, when a jews Ba Jews rushed sorrowfully A Ma. or Mas. A. L. Core, of Peckham,has addressed a letter to the Hast to the West, and ra my Sar ers pues our leading contemporary, stating the belief that the lines were written a dirty action—of a doubtful po erchief. 7 ak Hebrews is to be penenes, Guase TT yy pede an Lat tains en tthde eee cane Petticoat which is con on the highest "or ’tis their na’ ” | 7 article is scrupulously traced in its course” the line about the do ; Deis. on v which consists of four | to the Judaical door-post where it is exposed for | ;."° ““°,* lye ag Se ee io 9 4 ao entenns edeitted into the pure peesinete of lines; the second line concluding with the word “so.” Now, cer : elaborate pedi Of cour th mg re - | tainly, this is the ordinary modern reading, and it is true that the writer bility that a handkerchief pees. Ce ine t by Lighthioger ,in the 7imes has put the dogs in the place of the bears and lions; but + Pocket, and it is the general presumption of the Jewah toon | our impression is, that in the early editions of Dr, Warrts’s poetry, at 7 pocsunyeen men | least in those familiar to us in early years, the last line of the verse worth 5s. 6d. each,” which he is ready to dispose of at sixpence a-piece, | stood precisely as it was cited in the Times :— , is only some € jc juvenile who is desirous of reducing his pocket - “ For 'tis their nature to.” | handkerchief cstabliohmeat, whieh he has of course formed in a purely| Besides, by the substitution of “too” for “to,” Da. Warts is only | legitimate manner. , : | exonerated from the charge of having committed one blunder, by being _We confess that we cannot expect society to sympathise very deeply | represented to have perpetrated another. “Too” cannot be brought with Hloundsditch in the distress it professes to feel at the imputations | to rhyme with “ so,” except by the pronunciation of “so ” as “soo.” lately thrown on its commercial c ; | In no dialect with which we are acquainted, bas the adverb in question | ‘any such sound; whereas, in that of some dissenting ministers, the other adverb, “to,” is homophonous with the noun-substantive ' } Drunkenness at Bow Street. “toe:” and the circumstance that Dra. Watts war a Nonconformist | = . 4 Divine, may seem to favour the supposition that “to,” pronounced as a | S mw a before Ma. Hatt, at Bow Street : perfect rhyme with “so,” is the correct reading. ad Kw ALL. re r j <iSu tats Sat Peck qsmie tri; yond tae co Ragin, you went a | have been drunk to a certainty.” | QUERY—TO BUILDERS AND OTHERS. Is Ma. Hatt. an Englishman? If so, then according to Ma. Hart! Ane the Ceilings of the eells of Anchorites, do think, hermit | —Ma. Hatt must have been “drunk tc a certainty.” | ically sealed ? ~ = , of Ne. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and “Mallett Evans, of No. 2, Queen’ vi West, Regent's P: both in , = tae ee in Lombare Barer, ia Se Vebshawe cf Watsedines, to te Cap af beckon cal Faseaes Cee eee '

SESESMSERE*EEES ree Seep }

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ent | | Avevst 25, 1855.] PUNCH. CR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 73 | =, Tih ee “ Now, roune’un! Just cive my WgLLINcToNs 4 coop Potisn, cos I Likzs TO GO TO BUSINESS RESPECTABLE IN THE MORNING!” THE WORKMAN’S PROMENADE CONCERT. Ow the evening of Sunday how pleasant to stra In Kensington Gar and hear the band play, With my leisure amused, and my feelings refined, And with tranquil enjoyment elated in mind ! 4 that time, on that day, I .- seldom be seen, ith my pipe m on i I shall os tome chan ae that —— ay | In continual exertions to fill a spittoon. But what shall I do when the summer is o’er, And the band wil! perform in those Gardens no more ? When church hours are finish’d why should there not be Sunday concerts on purpose for people like me ? iat the mage epee meet ial. ot parochial psalm-tunes, but good music Bush an guste the teeta, Semehsess the Sateest, And oa y would set a chap’s spirit at rest. I feel, when I hear certain pieces and ai Just the same as I should in ~ ae And think time so employ’d is as well spent As it would be in hearing a Reverend Gent, | But music ’s expensive, mayhap some will say, | And you’|i have the piper on to pay i That scruple on my mind - not in the least ; Why not pay the Piper as well as the Priest ? | And even supposing I paid to go in, Can any man look upon that as a Any more than what church- Namely, giving a bob for a It will come in good time ; and I hope that the move In the right way now made a begi will prove, It is a concession—keep rolling the ball— And let us give thanks to Sin Bensamiw Hatt. si0, s frequently do, in a pew. PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. August 12, Saturday. (St. Grouse). The Lords deplored that the | Commons had mutilated the Charitable Trusts Bill, but their Lordships vanquished their grief sufficiently to assent to the mutilations. Limited Liability Bill, which had been a good deal altered by the | Lords, was then passed. Loap Lanspowwe, (as a Member of the | Government) tendered his thanks to the Peers for the amendments | they had been kind ——- to introduce. A few minutes later, the Bill was carried down to Commons, where Lorp Patmerston, (as another Member of the Government) said that the amendments were very objectionable, but that it would be better to accept them than | risk the loss of the measure. After this pleasing instance of Cabinet unanimity, both Houses adjourned, the Lords until Monday, the | il Tuesday. Commons until ) _ Monday. The Law Lords expressed a great deal of wrath at the way in which the Soricrton-GeNERAL had spoken of their free-and-easy man- ner of hearing . They vindicated themselves from the charge of being a Court of ‘erminer sans oyer, asserting that they very often | listened to what was going on, that someiimes one of them told | another what had been done in his absence ; but the best defence was, | that counsel said the same thing over and over again so often, that anybody, who would look in and remain for any reasonable time, must “— ‘ree ali oie wticalor ts ire that soldiers might RD CAMPBELL is particular desire that soldiers m be allowed to attend m the Assize and the Chancellor added, | that he had once let in some soldiers at r, and that they were | most quiet and attentive auditors. AJ] this was the merest a. | @ springe which Joun Lory Camrse xt is thought to be always y | to set. He added some utter nonsense to the effect, that “the con- nection between the judicial bench and the military was more intimate than was imagined by some persons.” Very intimate of course. The soldier pow> his gun, and the judge in bis wig; the soldier kills people by ing them, the judge by hanging them; both have ' serjeants constantly Z pn ne nn See hee ey Dee np size; the soldier | charges a foe, and the charges a jury; im | alike as possible, : Lorp Campsect deserves great credit for enlightening the nation as to the interesting fact. eyes ; the judge is a judge of assize, | Tuesday. The Commons met, to be ready to receive their dismissal. Sia De Lacy Evans made very good use of the interval by a speech upon the conduct of the War. He showed that the Army ought to be | strengthened, and how; and especially reco: the employment of | a Polish Legion, and the bringing a portion of our Indian forces to the | scene of war. Lory Parxexnstow reiterated his pledge that the War should be carried on vigorously. | The Black Rod was then held up, and the Commons scuttled away, and up the long passage, into the House of Lords, where The pve was given to about as useless a Session as the annals of our legislature record. Hen Masesty, as Mr. Punch inti- mated would be the case, stayed away, but sent the Puanenzen, Ancyit, Harnowsy, Gaanvitse, and Stan ier, of Alderley, to get ri of the Parliament. his they did in rather a neat speech, in which the | nation was not insulted by any petpouany bad +t and in which | the small achievements of the Session were dwelt upon with consider- able fluency of commpnpians. The War is, however, worthy of being lifted out of the limbo of oblivion, in which most speeches, royal and popular, are deservedly inte of receiving the dis- tinguished honour of being used by Mr. Punch as an embodiment of his own patriotic sentiments, and as a conclusion to his own inimitable summary of the Session : wi 4 other course is ** aint, ~ Fm — the @ar possible vigour. And her flajesty, relying on the support of her Parliament ; the manlp spirit and pare Fm. of et People; upon | the neber-failing courage of her Armp and Nabp, whose patience under suffering and powers of endurance her Majesty has seen with admiration ; the steadfast fidelity of her Allies ; and above all, upon the justice of the cause—humbly puts her trust in the @ oser of events for | surcly an issue to this great contest as will secure to Curope the blessings | a firm and lasting peace.” — Commercial Caution. | | Persons in the City, when about to make use of the old expression, bort they are as | “ as safe as the Bank,” generally stop short now, and take care to edge in an intimation that they mean more particularly “a Joint-Stock Bank.” _— VOL, XXIx. A owe cronies cteete

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| entertainment remaining open, and this is a place of both. Moreover, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Aveust 25, 1855- | A SOCIETY OF HATTERS. Tere seems to be nothing for which men wil! not associate, for there is no object, however apparently absurd, in which numbers are not ready to co-operate. Some are drawn together by the sympathies of the heart, others are attracted solely by the head, and of the latter c'ass we may consider the Hatters, who have, it seems, formed a | society. A hat reform has long been wanted, and fre- | quently asked for hy the thinking portion of the public, and we would gladly take off our present hats with a | respectful obeisance to any individua!, or to any society | who would give us something more tasteful as a sub- | stitute for the existing order of chapeau. ‘The Hatter’ Society took an excursion the other day to Erith, aad | mustered 1900 strong, so that the body is evidently erful enough to mould the hat into a new form, and | to crowa itseif wivh glory, by crowning the British public with someting more sightly than the head-gear which at present disfigures the community. THE LADIES PEW-COMPANIONS. A wovet is in course of being announced under the title | of Woman's Devotion. We have not read this work, but we | eam form some idea of the nature of its contents. Travelling im an omnibus the other day, wee@bserved an advertisement at the back of the vebiele, offetimg to the religious public— “THE GUINEA FAMILY BIBLE, bound in best Morcese, with Pilates. “ THE HALF-GUINEA VELVET CHURCH SERVICE, with best Gitt Rims, aod Clasps. “THE HALF-GUINEA FAMILY MOROCCO BIBLE, with References, Maps, Gilt Rims, and Clasps.” We suppose that these fancy Bibles and Prayer-hooks are designed for instruments of “ Woman’s Devotion.” The advertisement is, doubtless, particularly addressed to the more serious sex, to whose innocent imsensitiveness of incongruity a Bible might be expected to seen as suitable for trimming as a Bonnet: and the designation of the Scriptures and the an a by coins of the realm would THE RIGHT MAN IN THE RIGHT PLACE. not, probably, appear absurd. Alexander, Star, and so forth : also the encampments of the Allies and the SEBASTOPOL IN LEICESTER SQUARE. | head-quarters of the Generals, together with a number of other obj-cts, | + . 7 which, recalled to his mind’s eye, will enable him to read the Times wots Satpal int meer tog teed te cnt fo | Si nig wh ke eirenage hearing performed by ourselves. We have been to see Ma. Bunrorn’s Panorama There is somebody present (besides Mas. M‘Gas) who will ~ - ff Sebastopol. in Leicester Square, and recommend all our readers who | ‘he company with any information they may desire in reference to the are within reach of it to do themselves the same pleasure. The London | at of the yy hat th ho visit M , | “ season” being pow over, there are few places either of instruction or Sehastopol he age oe ‘. =. Cte they a? -y~ “ | as Renk and Fashion have for the most part left Town, the possibility stationed before the Czan’s for the Panorama was painted some li'tle | of seeing all that is to be seen in the Panorama—to wit, very much—is | ‘!™€ 480, since when a great many of the buildings represented in it likely to be increased by some diminution of the hitherto attendant | have been demolished: and we hope the time will very soon come when | crowd of the novility, gentry, and clergy. There will be less danger the only correct picture of Sebastopol will be the accurate likeness of than there has been heretofore of having one’s corns cru-hed by a duke, | re heaps of rubbish. tant diff he of being hustied by an earl, or elhowed about and squeezed by peer- | here is one very Me Boas ene ee 8 prospect of esses and maids-of-honour, the bulk of a bishop being, in the mr anwhile, | Sebastopol held out by Mx. Buxvorp, and that afforded by the Govern- interposed between one’s eye and the canvas. However, to secure a| ™¢tt—and paid for by the tax-payers. The Downing Street one is good view of the exhibition, it may be advisable to go early in tae | ™ her expensive: that in Leicester Square will cost nobody more than morning, while Rank and Fashion are at breakfast, or late in the after- | * ° , noon, when Rank ond Fashion are at dinner. Sebastopol is depicted as firing and under fire, and the first impression | THE MINISTERS A CUP TOO LOW. derived from the view of the “ beleaguered city,” presented by Mr. | Bunronrp, is that of astonishment at the pretervatural stillness, com-| Aone the after-dinner doings last week at the Ministerial White- paratively speaking, of the scene. Comparatively speaking, because a| bait Meeting, was the “presentation of a china cup to Ma. Harrea.” ogee = = is being made by Mas. -_ M Gas, or sene other Tae mpeets do not inform us whet = me oy | cup Was a haa a military y, who is sure to present, to be explaining the up or an egg-cup; but whichever of the three it may have been, positions of the Allies with commandiog gestures, in a loud voice. | the Setad—ohiek is im every respect the material point—was of a Astouishment, because the picture has such an air of reality, and the | brittleness which does not say much for the confidence of the donors in smoke of the bombardment 8 so particularly natural, as to make you | the stability of the Ministry. Of course the gift was considered to be | wonder at not hearing the artillery’s roar and the crack of the rifles. | | appropriate, and we hove therefore that the chisa was without a flaw, | The visitor finds himself situated, with reference to the Crimea, pre-| for if otherwise it might be said that the Ministry is slightiy crack } cisely as, with allowavce for change of circumstances, he would be with | or that there is a split in the Cabinet. We have seen no account of the read to Loudon if be were on the top of St. Paul’s: except that the | speeches delivered on the occasio», nor indeed would it have been quite | objects below him do not seem so distant, and that the smoke of the | fair to report exactly what the Ministers over their cups may have | ordnance does not obscure the prospect like the smoke of the chimneys. uttered. We cannot help feeling that Ma. Hartge deserved some- He sees the bays and harbours that surround the Crimean coast, the | thing more than a mere china cug for the services he has performed ; Al ied Fleets, tne enemy’s vessels, as many as have not been sunk, and | and we think everybody will admit, that if his colleagues could not have | the mast-heads of those ; and all the furts and batieries—+he Mameion, | gone the length of giving him a tea-pot, they might at least have made Malakhoff, Redan, Flagstaff, Quarantine, Constantive, Nicholas, | it a milk-jug. ‘ co © we tn at ah ath ath gE ee _ 1 = =

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! Avoust 25, 1855.} PUNCH, Ck THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 75 | 5 on the subject of Vatted Rums, which are i A RUM STYLE OF POETRY. quently proclaimed as fine and vld in public-house i oe placards :— SM HE advertising columns of the Arm—“ Those Evening Bells.” news are sel de r | reer aie “GO| ‘Thove Vated Rams tose Vaited Runs, How very cheap a quartern comes, When of that hquor pure and prime, You take two gallons at a time. was a time when Wanren sang bis Blacking in the most sentimental strains, and Row- LAND invoked all the Muses The fumes will quickly pass away, in praise of his Macassar: but And many an evening will be gay— now the former has handed W hile nothing like a head:che comes, over his unstrung harp and Through drinking these delicious Rums his stock in trade to the unro- And so twill be, when I am gone ; Those Vatted Rums will still sell on, And other flogera, pens, and thumbs W il sing your praise— ye Vatted Rums. mantic RusseL.; while Row- LAND praities playfully, but prosaically, on the subject of > his oils and essences in mere ordinary paragraphs. The Sa - ; spirit-vendors seem to he ad- Latin for Thames. = vertisiog in a strain of fiction, . which encourages us to by Twene are extant some old engravings ot the that they may in time be dis-| River Thames and its Banks, ander the name of posed to take out a poetical as | Themesis Fluvius. Now the Thames is not so well as a public.n’s licence. much Fiuvius as Effluvium. Moreover the urn, There are wany opportuni- | out of which, as im Wp steiug a the back of ties open to the proprietor of Ham House, Fat her ‘ . represented as the Wive Vau'ts tor calling in| pouring his stream, ought in the present day the aid of Poetry in disposing | to be exchanged by seulptors for a slop-pail. of his wares, and we need only ans ie gnme eran suggest “ Gin a body meet a Uvyvarn to Bompa.—Mna. Bowyer declared in body” as a happy commencement for a puff of some of that cheap Gin, which, from what we the House of Commons that, “there was no have read on the subj-ct of adulterat may be said to conprise both vitriols and drink | sovereign in Kurope more popular than the for the purchaser. To show what may done in the way o1 poetical puffing for an article | Pore.” Is not ths a little unfair towards the whieh is happily not in excessive demand, as it once used to be, we subjoin a little poem! Kinc or Naries? qt __.| HEEESIRSES | | RABELAIS IN THE CRIMEA. | Wht Getet s resseten col omnes | How Rawexats, in the Island of Sound, did anatomise and describe the When he diplomatised, it was bottles at a prize-fignt. ; at teuit Qaanen When he amended, it was flles walking on their backs. - , When he felt truly sorry, it was tenpeuny nails in a pound of West | As for the inward and outward parts, or close-cabinet-down-with-the- ™uster butter. sibten. devel ts. of th beast Stssion, they w rett When he rose to order, it was confusion in seven-leacue boots. i — —— 6 ee ae htaaeat ait aan he expressed his opinion, it was bosh helping bunkuns to His head was like a barber’s block stuffed with woolsacks. When he was tired, it was other men’s tight boots and used-up t His brain was made of addled eggs and Vicnna diplomacy. sittings. | His neck, of a gailows of puble opinion. | When he was at work, it was cobwebs and commissions. ; | | His a of other people’s work. Wheo he had done doing nothing, it was grouse and skylarks. His arms, of domg nothing all the week, and no beer on Sundays. When he came in, it was sackcloth and ashes. His hair, of a Beoucnam-stick. When he went out, it was church bells and smiles. His chest, of a Chancellor of the Exchequer and a breviary When he came to an end, it was another bad beginning | His heart, of a leather strap. z , | His conscience, of an India-rubber purse. , ' - a _ a - = knaves —a | Hes other men’s shoes. NOTA BENE. i } | His toes, of a treadmill for young thieves. E His teeth, of opera ivories. | Ma. Powcn has been requested by one of the Crew of the Lady : His gums, of red tape. | Nancy to ive insertion to the following Acrostic, Could be refuse ? 8 His tongue, of the ghost of chaos. | H is fingers, of a baoker’s trowel. | . How swaL. —- AT pre arent Fixer ? | | is nails, of clenches. 4G4NROG’S vixen idly rests on her . _ eyes, of blind puppies. } 4 appily cradled oe oe —_ : is ears, of other men’s wit. ach wave as it lifts her, asks “w is your sister ?” His smelling apparatus or nose, of rats and Thames’ water. ; : ; £ ; al L ady Nancy replies, “ T’ve nor sister nor mate.” A continuation of Szssion’s countenance, posture-making, and Ah 4 ab ! dey waves as they carelessly glide by, maaner of bebaving :— D ’ye think, Nan, for you a fit mate could be found ? . When he opened his mouth, the truth was shut wp in a box. Y ou’re ugly, dear Nanay ; cheap, made in a hurry, | When he prayed, it was new bishops and Kentish rag stone. . When he “ fixed his eye” it was “bull’s” fixings aud smiles. Nothing dashing about you—you're not worth Ten Pound. | — he told the truth, the birds feil off the trees when you shook A - ae auld tua eiitbe og tl a | them. a's at gittters ; ing, sv , ; When he was in a fighting humour, coals went to Newcastle and vn, Pi - all ae ye Geateusetoa came back again. ‘ou ’il fiad, as “ times go, ; ruff. W hen he was religious, it was raw lobsters and wooden staves. AZ. VY. a tenn Dd ey ten me of a skinned fi . ier Ue n he gave an alms, it was the shadow of a skinned flint. ‘ Whee he fought, it was with spiked guns — broken pickaxes. Pive Seconds’ Advice on Painting. | hen he mace peace, it was so't sawder piace. Old Senslifuangus.) ; When he gave promotion, it was weak heads and strong pockets. : : vad : ; ‘ } When he listened, it was eatching the sails of windmills. | A Parr is a Fashionable Exit, an Impromptu Flight of the Imagi- When he was tree to confess, it was vested interests and younger | nation, a convenient Absence, during which ey! frequently displays sons. \to the greatest advantage her Presence of Mind, losing purposely ail When he divided, it was woodcutter’s splinters. | consciousness, the better to enable her to collect her wits.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

[Aveust 25, 1855.

pte vi - TTA! sae

AQUATICS. Small Boy. “ Now, Toex! Aw Ttocetuen!” . ’

_— . , ing i j i the band THE DANGERS OF PLAYING AT WAR. {ty the fits qiske cccastonaly heard eves Gk--" Now Dick, st — . : : : i : sabe ; there with them red-lights ?” “ Off with them Wax is not a thing to be trifled with, and its horrors are much too “te to that tow, Ready there wi real to be the yt subjects of burlesque, « any fines _— of a ae of a kindred character, the whole | mockery. ‘The nearer the imitation approaches to the real thing, where —s « aa dal ae ‘ | an imitation of war is concerned, the more distasteful it must be to all Pyeng roy ree gy saaiety eee =~ he ey persons of common oomee, and common hamenity. The mania for o-- rob nea falumaleeadie eeeat pln pes gee twice a-day (for verting the horrors of war into a subject of amusement for the | : ey 2 million, has received a somewhat sad lame in the accident that has _ <p erry fp mer en pacer lately happened at Cremorne Gardens; where, for the benefit of some oer a _ omg Aeeit . + ‘bj t Pe hertal ent, of which | charity, there was to be a mock representation of the Battle of Inker- | CO®!me themselves od eg! —— ae ai. coon ee of the mann. There was all the usual pride, pomp, and circumstance of | there are quite enough, without resorting to Gemel avestes in-glorious (theatrical) war; and, to give “reality” to the business, a) 4F in the Crimea, : | dreadful reality it turned out, some of the Guards were “ allowed by the | : - authorities” to take part in the spectacle. Of course, the only real A Commissioner of Good Works. | element in the business was incompatible with all the shams of which | it was made up; and, amidst the sham fortifications, the sham defences,. We have much pleasure in observing, that whereas the Marylebone | | the sham barricades, and all the other gim-crack appurtenances of a! EJectors have given Sin Bensamin Hawt a seat in Parliament, that | sham-fight, the real soldiers tumbled to the ground om a height of | exemplary minister has added 200 seats to those in the Regent’s Park. some twenty feet with terrible reality. Sin Bensamen acts as if he thought that one good turn deserves 200. | Of course, when it is too late, everybody is exclaiming against the !t also gratifies us to remark, that the Chief Commissioner of Parks and | impropriety of allowing the Guards to take a part in these caricature Public Buildings intends to throw Kew Gardens open from morning copies of the horrors al wats in which everything is purposely made to | to night ; thereby rendering those who may visit them as bappy as the yield, from the pasteboard ramparts, to the shilling-a-night supernumerary | day is long. Russians. The sort = enthusiasm that is yg ay among - soldiers, | by an imitation attack on an imitation enemy, in the teeth of imitation ’ Pri fire from imitation batteries, is not likely to be of much service in the | Thames’ Prizes. hour of real battle, when there is no stage-director ordering the enemy! Tue Lorp Mayor last week attended at the Twankey Tea Gardens, where to fall back, and leading on the British troops to the point | to distribute the prizes to the victors of the Thames’ Regatta. It was where, by previous arrangement, they are destined to be victorious. A | quite right that a contest of strength and skill, tried upon the river, | panorama of Sebastopol is ali well enough, and a pictorial represen- should be rewarded by prizes supplied by old Father Thames himself, tation of the siege may be made a matter of interest ; Lut an attempt to duly represented by Lonp Mayor Moon: the prizes were thre | show the actual plonping of a place with real troops, must always be namely, a puppy-dog, a kitten, and a mouse in excellent preservation, a melancholy, and, indeed, a feeble spectacle. Nothi can be better having been fished up below Battersea, and duly stuffed by an ex- than the picture now being exhibited at the Sarrey Zoological Gardens; perienced band. A microscope and a bucket of Thames’ water will be | | but the moment the action begins, and the firing of the guns contended for next week.

‘VIYOLOIA VI V HOIOOIUL ‘Tt VY MOVENOIND ‘3% 7 ‘SINGDN VI

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Avevrsr 25, 1855. FRENCH SHAWLS FOR) 1855. 1, TRICOLOR A LA VICTORIA. 2. UNION-JACK A LA EUGENIE. |

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| Avevust 25, 1855.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 79 ADULTERATION OF GOVERNMENT. Lorn Joan Russet. Politi- cal Drug zist, late of Vienna, stated that he had had con- siderable experience in the practice of adulteration, p-ore particularly in political drugs. Had examined seve- ral samples of Whig Govern- ment, and found them all perfectly pure. Absolute purity in most cares was unattainable, but the articles he had exercised his micro- scopic skill upom were as free from deleterious matter as they could be, and he doubted strongly, if they were made any purer, whether the people of this hy — r , : RY +, , By CO AZ : a ‘Oy, FF. — - country would like them half so well. He had found the specimen marked “ Re- form Bill” extremely diffi cult to analyse. The diffi- culty prinerpally lay in ascertaining precisely its “constituent” parts. he should persevere several years longer, until he clearly saw a proper settlement of them, though as one of the Old School, he was strongly averse to precipitating | in all Governments a little adulteration was desirable, and | anything. Decidedl ‘ , he could scpemneel enthion better for the purpose than a few grains of Whig’s Paradise, better known in the trade as “ Ex.iort’s Entire.” dozen of these tender spri flavour, which made it own wonderfully with the multitude, and did harm to nobody. Had examined a packet of Whig statements, and had detected in them no colouring-matter whatever. Strongly believed that SNS ones had never been adulterated since the days of Magna Charta. Purity representation was decidedly requisite to ensure a good constitution, and he begged to differ from that great authority, Mz. Corrockx, whose wonderful laboratory at the Reform Club for the manu‘acture of votes was well known, inasmuch as it was bis convietion that purity of representation did not necessarily require a large deposit of tin. Brass would do just as well, and in many cases went further. For instance, a few brass filings from some of the strongest pillars of the aristocracy were notoriously a capital thing for purifying the most corrupt channels of Government. | Had repeatediy analysed the votes of the House of Commons, and never found anything but the purest motives in them. Had no particular test of ability, save Dexsrert’s Peerage, and never knew that to fail Tus Rieut. How. B. Disrazit.—Had principally devoted his time to the manufacture of retorts. He had brought them to the highest state of perfection, | and his retorts were celebrated all over the world for dischargmg a greater number of sparks consecutively than any other. Their brilliancy would often illumine | an entire House. Had often tried the power of his retorts on the Whigs, but | they were such a dense body, that they had failed in making anything of an im- pression. ‘I'he result of his analytical inquiries had all tended to one uniform result,—viz., that Whig Government was a regular drug in this country,—adrug so | largely adulterated, that it could not be allowed for any length of time without | doing the greatest injury to the strongest constitution. The only remedy he knew was a strong infusion of Tory Politics. Had submi'ted the principles of the Peace Party to analysis, and had detected in them a deleterious colour called “ Drab,” mixed up in large quantities with a popular fraud, of a pale transparent colwur, called “ Geansvowe® which been recently imported to a painful extent from St. Petersburg. He had applied the microscope to this “G.apstong,” and, after reducing him to an impalpable powder, bad d in detecting in it, in the most tangible portions of its seeret nature, a large preponderance of “ Jesuit’s Bark ;” and, though he had divided this Bark into three heads—as though the Bark in question belonged to Cerberus (@ /augh)—still he bad not found much to repay him or the search m either head. He certainly had not been able to detect in the whole composition of “ Giapstons ” a single grain of sense (general expression of surprise). This revelation might be a startling one, but still it was based upon the most careful analyses,—each one painfully arrived at, only after the most minute divisions and sub-divisious of character. However, the effect of this “Drab” mixture was unquestionably very enervating; and when administered in large doses, created nausea, and moreover had the curious effect of making people quarre!. The most dangerous results were to be from a general use of this iraseible hareotie. Ma J. A. Roesvucx, the popular lecturer of Sheffield, deposed that he had examined inoumerable quantities of Parliameotary Loaves aod Fishes, marked both “Whig” and “Tory,” and realy it was difficult to say which of the two He} had been several years in-| tent upon solving its various | antagonistic elements, and} ” About two or three | generally gave the ministerial mixture a fine bitter | contained the greater mass of impurities. Both were grossly unfit for public consumption. It was, indeed, wonderful, how the Body Politic could have existed so long | upon such corrupt aliment. The power of vitality must have been great indeed, to have withstood such daily en- croachments on its strength. However, it was time that a stop was put for once and for ever to the circulation of such deleterious poisons, and a thoroughly healthy system of government introduced for the nourishment of the people. The whole heap of adulterations must be swept clraa out of the national shop, and for the future nothing but the ome ype politieal food of the most simple and invigorating ind administered to the public. As we value the fu ure health of England, it was expedient that Adulteration | should be deposed from the throne of Government it too long bas occupied, and Purity henceforth reign in its stead (/oud symptoms of approval, with difficulty restrained | by the Court). Lown Joun Russert was recalled, and said that he still bad hopes of being ~ the course of time, to find a solution of the Reform Bill. The witness, being closely a, was evidently at a loss to fix any particular peri Mrs. Potts. “I taut You, Mrs. Cowt, rou’as a rrarxct Nutsance! You'V# BEEN SCREECHING AND GROANING ALL NIGHT,” Mrs. Cowl. “You'Re anotHEeR, Ma'am.” OUR NAVAL GREATNESS. THe circumstance that the Admiralty persists in building vessels like the Marlborough, of a size enormously dispro- portionate to the requirements of servier, suggests the idea that my Lords who constitute that must be a set of | old Pantaloons, whose notions of magnitude in reference to utility are derived from pantomimes, in which exhibitions a tea-spoon becomes as large as a shovel, and a wateh acquires the dimensions of a frying-pan. One would expect them to carry out the propensity to physical exaggeration in their domestic arrangements, eating their dinners with | knives bigger than broad-swords, and forks only a little shorter in the bandle than garden-prongs; writing letters | with pens as long and as thick as walking-sticks, and tyi up dexpatches, covering more space than flag-stenes, with red tape broader than the palm of the hand. A Confidential Communication from Hayter. Tus is the great characteristic of all Government | appointments :—lhat whereas on the part of candidates | there is constant »pplication until they are appointed, you | notice but precious little application atterwards. HOW TO STIR UP A MATION. Aw experimental Chemist proposes throwing into Prussia | an enormous quantity of G-rman Yeast, with the view of trying whether it would have the of making the Germans rise ? ee nn wld po ms a a een os a Fo Rie

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 1 oe ak Fal asa “Pye ‘ lin Maibe ip i; 3 x mb Stout Parti THE KING OF NAPLES ON THE CARPET. A Wistory and no Romance. CHAPTER I. CE upon a time (a very few years ago) there reigned a certain King (who, alack the day! reigns still) called Ferpinanp, otherwise It Re Bompa, of Naples. “See Naples} and die,” was a proverb that his| Majesty had often worked out upon 1 his faithful subjects. Now this FERDINAND was a potentate of most | voleanic viscera, the very spit, saving | the reader’s presence, of Vesuvius. | A King, much given to the stick that was much given to his people. He was withal a man of sport and many humane accomplishments. He could kill mosquitos like Commopvs, and play upon the fiddle like Nero. | Now, it chanced one day, that this excellent King, making a procession of himself through the rooms of his palace, bethought him that the carpets thereof had become faded and, for royal carpets, mighty threadbare. The Bourbon flowers h sickened, and the moth, that spares neither the frieze of the peasant, nor the coffin-velvet of the Emperor,—the moth had devastated. W bereupon, seeing these things, the superb and magnificent monarch resolved within himself to have new carpets—carpets spick and span. CHAPTER II. “ Szoretanrio mio,” said Re Bowsa to his penman, “ straightway write an order to that accursed heretical England ;—for the Lutherans ” —and here his Majesty crossed himself—“ the Lutherans can, it must be confessed, do two things ; truly they can grind razors, and they can weave carpets. Therefore, straightway, write and order”—— “Wert, I’m sure! WAT CAN POSSESS THOSE SKINNY CREATURES TO weak Rocyp Hats, I Can’? THINK,—MAKING THEMSELVES 80 CONSPICUOUS!” (Aveust 25, 1855. PITY FOR THE FOE. Waist, as patriots, we rejoice in the triumph of the Allied arms at Sweaborg, as men we cannot but fee! com- | passion for that suffering by which it has been attended on the side of our opponents. Mr. Batcut, Ma. Conpey, Sir James Grauam, Mr. Griapstowr, and those who think with them, that is to say the Greek firms, and the rest of the philo-Russian party, have no doubt severely felt the misfortunes of their beloved country. We should be happy to suggest to them any consolation, if we could think of any; and perhaps it may comfort them to reflect that, although Sweaborg was demolished without the loss of a | British or a French life, it is probable that the capture of Sebastopol will not be accomplished without heavy loss on the part of the Allies. Attachments may be not the less sincere because they are unaccountable; and the gentlemen above-mentioned may have a predilection for Russia, just as it is conceivable that they might be inclined to pet a boa-constrictor. Russia, | indeed, is a boa—a great boa, as the fine young gentlemen say—rejoicing in the alleged peculiarity of the amphisbcena, or serpent with two heads, one head at each end. The Russian amphisbeena has the superior head in the Baltic, ’ and the inferior in the Black Sea, anda body curled half | round Europe, which the northern mouth and the southern | | have opened to swallow. Either head of the snake, how. | ever, has been considerably bruised, and we cannot help expressing the hope that hoth will be smashed, however sincerely the Peelites and Manchester friends of the reptile | may sympathise with its agonies. } Jonathan and the Bear. Presipent Pierce has congratulated the Emperor or | Russra upon his assumption of the Imperial boots ; and the Emperor assures the Prestpent that the Jast words of | | NicHotas were words of sympathy and admiration of Joxnatuan! The knot of international friendship would seem to be formed of the serf-knout and the slave cow-hide! Tue Pore ry Sarpiia.—His Holiness, not content with making a pretty kettle of fish in Spain, has also ex- | pressed his paternal determination to “ pot ” the Sardinians. _ — } “ Razors °” said the secretary ; but ere he could add “ your Majesty ” he was footed by a sudden movement of the royal muscles into the extreme corner of the cabinet. “ Cane!” (otherwise “ dog!”) cried Re Bompa,—* Carpets !” ' Whereupon the canine secretary gathered himself up on his two legs, and like a dog returning to his seat, he sat him down, and proceeded | to write “carpets.” “ Bestia!” cried Re Bompa. “ First, let painters be summoned ; and let the royal patterns be drawn and limned; and when this shall be | done, and we have approved thereof, then shall you write to the | Lutheran slave ”—here his Majesty graciously spat—“ and the carpets | be commanded.” And in due season these things were done, even as the King had given order. | i } } } CHAPTER III. A LoveLy morning broke upon the Bay of Naples. The golden sun | The glittering dew,! The azure heaven! The sapphire ocean ! There might be seen an English barque, cleaving the liquid field. The Union Jack fluttered—to the eye of a Briton—de yingly from the peak. Boldly, saucily, did that English vessel plough the main. She brought —— dropt anchor. She was straightway accosted by a boat of the ing’s. That British craft was the proud bearer of the carpets woven by the happy Lutheran, whom Rez Bo Ba had delighted to honour. Now the carpet-weaver—embracing his saddened wife, and kissing his happy children—bad quitted the soil of Albion to come, and in his own person, to deliver and lay down, the royal carpets. Perchance, too, the sordid dealer had brought with him a receipt for the royal ready-money. Now the carpets were duly sent to the royal palace. CHAPTER IV. Ay interval of six weeks is here supposed to take place; when a British islander, of bilious and malevolent aspect—in the unalterable opinion of a Neapolitan physiognomist, much attached to the Neapoli- | tan police—might be observed, with his dog, for every British islander travels with a British bull-dog, pacing the sunny side of the Piazza Reale. That bilious stranger was the Likes t-maker, and hope deferred had made yellow his cheek. For six one had passed; and —— Suan might | Carpets yea, th Vesu ness an ment o No, | alarmin publie ; P Tas isplaye like flos How co pat his Ww for a potama: ee

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i i a rn onnvw + Fw Aveust 25, 1855.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 81 the carpets—the goods, as in his trade dialect he called those woven Who, we ask, would bid for rple—eannen and solemnised with fabrics—bad been delivered to the King; and the King had vouchsafed no word to the man whom with his royal commission be had delighted o honour. , The isiander—with a brutality that a love of truth compels us to own, too much distinguishes the travelled Briton—resolved to write a letter tothe King. Yes: the sordid Lutheran determined to tell unto Re Bomaa, a bit of his carpet-dealing mind. With this thought, he took his way to his Hotel. Arrived at his hostelry—his faithful dog still bearing him company— he beheid at the door a waggon, blazing with the arms of Naples. Now, in this van, or waggon, were the carpets returned to the carpet- maker. Of a verity, the carpet thrown back upon the carpet-maker’s CHAPTER V. It were vain to hope to paint the dismay, the rage, of the carpet- maker. He ealled down sof a shower of manna on the anointed head of Bompa the King. He vehemently swore; but, with a craftiness that characterised the tradesman, he swore in English. Whereupon, the faithful servants of Bomsa the King let him swear his belly empty, wd Wet was wrong in the carpets?” “Did they think he'd be - Was wrong in os one ey thin swindled ?” “ He, a free-born Briton!” “He, who was represented in his own British parliament!” “He, who was never born to be a slave!” “To come to Naples to be robbed—plundered—bamboozled —and that, too, by a—a——” c : Bat, as we have said, felicitously for the ferocious Briton, he raved and swore im his mother-tongue; and the officers and the King’s | servants hindered him not. 2 | Of what availed it, that he commanded the ragamouffins about him to set him face to face with the Majesty of N ! Of what availed it, } that he to know in what whit, tittle, or particular, the | differed from the order given. They were woven even as co ; and the arms of Bourbon and of Naples—— | (The Bourbon arms! How much blood has gone to paint them! How much more blood of man, woman, and child; blood in the dungeon ; , blood at the wime-feast; blood on the scaffold; blood in the chamber, to paint the blazonment, that still blackening and blackening in heaven's | air, will have more blood to keep it fresh. t, to return to our Briton, | perspiring, and ever, as he utters the sacred name of Bomna the King, | shaking his clenched and icidal fists. The carpets were shot down at the door of the hostelry ; they had | been looked upon by the eye of the King, and the King in his heart | spat upon them. And now, the carpets being rejected of the sovereign, the law of | Naples required of the British islander to pay upon the British woven | fabrics the duty of import. The Briton had brought carpets into the | kingdom of Naples, and Naples was not to be fobbed of her due ; for it is known that Naples has her duties, even as no Neapolitan has his | nights. “Pay import duty! Be robbed! No, the bold Briton would go to prison. He would rot with pleasure in a dungeon first.” And then, exhausted the expression of his unflinching firmness, the Briton paid the CHAPTER VI. Tae Times newspaper, gashed by the stiletto of the N litan censor, lay upon the table of the Hotel Victoria. That sheet — up all the home feelings of our wanderer. He looked at the “ Births,”— he knew not why, for he had no expectations. He read the “Mar- riages,”—idleness all, for was he not already wedded? He paused at the “Deaths ;” but somehow nothing cheered him. And again and again home-sickness pressed upon him, and he felt his heart-strings twitehed towards the sea. _He would go: he would shake from his polluted shoes the dust of Naples, and England should ring with his wrongs ; aud—he would take is carpets with him, Suany Naples is the land of the free. The Briton might depart—he might even take his carpets with him; but ere departing with his carpets, he must pay the state tax for the removal of the merchandise— yea, the duty on export. Vesuvius never poured forth streams more consuming in their fierce- ness and fary than the volcanie Briton ejected at the paternal govern- ment of Secs the Bourbon arms, the arms of Naples? Is there not constructive treason in the very thought of a bidding ? Even so. Hence, the carpets where put up, and no voice dared to make an offer. At last one man took courage. He made a bidding; a low and modest bidding. But the auctioneer smiled, nodded his head, and was satisfied ; for to the amazement of the vulgar Briton, the auctioneer knocked down the carpets for an old song; and that a Neapolitan one. And who was the fortunate purchaser? Surely no private man—no — woman ? ~ . een e ets were t by an o in the household of his sacred Majesty Bonma Ix Re! CHAPTER VIII. Curious are the coincidences of this our human life. The happy visitor, ennobled by a passing privilege to visit the palace of the Ki of Naples, may behold in every room eve iece (a great bargain as at first commanded by his Most Liboke Majesty ot that most Lutheran carpet-maker ! t PALMERSTONS BLAZE OF TRIUMPH! THE COCKNEY MALAKHOFF. _ Tue storming of Sebastopol at Cremorne the other day, by the Grenadier Guards and Artillery, seems to have been very much like the real thing. Actual wounds and broken bones, at least, appear to have attended that gallant affair, and if there was no mine under the soldiers’ feet to blow them up, it appears that they stood on a footing which proved almost equally dangerous by letting them down. The brave who fell in the Crimea are more than sufficiently numerous, and Eagland cannot afford men to tumble at Cremorne, unless they do so in the capacity of clowns and harlequins, and without the risk of breaking their necks. It is to be hoped that the public taste is too good to demand exhibitions of this kind—otherwise one would not wonder at Ma. Simpson’s catering for it, any more than at his sup- plying them with earrion, if they preferred that to ordinary cold meat. The thought of those who are dying and suffering for our ease and comfort is not avery agreeable one, and anybody must have a queer kind No, be would not be swindled a second time; he would even at an of heart who ean enjoy a scene of sham carnage in a pleasure-ground. alarming sacrifice sell the carpeta—sell them im the broad daylight by public auction. CHAPTER WI. Tae day came. The mart was crowded. The carpet-pieces were displayed ; and great i like flowers. But of what use to the private modest Neapolitan ci!izen ? How could bis foot trample upon the Bourbon arms? As well think to rt ie panes par ~ pe of li | Bompa a would ra or an would put into a lottery for a of rattle-snakes? Who BR. Ap tk for a hippo- potamus? Surely, no private man or woman. a and general was the praise of the fabrics, glowing = rare and, although a proved E Police._Bow Street. Exreacepiwary Case.—Yesterday, Ma. Hatt took his seat upon Koglishman, was aot “ drunk to a A CARD. HE RIGHT HON. W. E. GLADSTONE, Asrmr m Harm (late Chanertior of Hama Masenry's Exet-quer), Hains carefally @pirr with any degree of mimuteness that may be required. NB. Hair-Splitter to hie Holiness Puss 1X. | Romana Poatiff: also to Acexampas IL. Rossias. -_ OF ALL THs ~~ sa! i ae Al Hi ere rN Aegean ays

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PUNCH, OR THE

LONDON CHARIVARI [Aveust 25, 1855. |

Milean i } y . 7

Oi it A) i" | | hh spe! Royal of St. George, Windsor. his Holiness would come out of the process rather more lively, if any- thing, than he was before being subjected to it — indeed that he | would do himself no harm, even pi he step out of the frying-pan into the fire itself. The probability that the Surreme Poytrrr is thus | fireproof is not derived from any similarity between his Holiness and | the Apostle, whom, Church history informs us, the pagans vainly attempted to boil in oil; but from the very opposite circumstance, that Prvs has, for some years, beer existing continually in hot-water. He | has now quarrelled both with Spain and Piedmont, and with each State | on nearly the same ground. Spain bas given him offence by refusing to | persecute anybody for his religious faith or opinions, so long as these | are not expressed by any public acts contrary to Popery; and also by | putting some limitation on the power of the priesthood to add to their | number, and create a swarm of “idle, useless, miserable clergymen,” to | quote the words of a memorandum of remonstrance with the Ho yr | Fatuer issued by the Spanish Government. But, what no doubt is | much more vexatious to the paternal heart of his Holiuess, the Govern- | ment of Spain has dared to attempt also to limit, in some moderate degree, the power of the Church to retain property. They might as | well have questioned the “ Immaculate Conception.” Accordingly the Pore threatens to retain the sins of the Spaniards ; and, shaking what | he calls the keys of St. Peter at their heads, menaces them with ex- communication. He has pursued the same course with Piedmont ; where unserviceable convents have been abolished, and a stop thus put | to the rank luxuriance of monkshood. Nay, a misunderstanding bas | even arisen between the Papal Sovereign and his dear friend Kuve | | Boma. Therefore, our lord the Pore may safely be said to be situated | in water of a very high temperature. As yet, i i | theugh many expect that he will be in some little time, and Da. Cum- | live to enjoy as whipper im, the luxury of whipped cream in | MoNG will perhaps inform the curious how long he will take to be done. | monial then presented to him. Cowrounp that fellow, Patmerston, I’m sure it was his spite, To get his Queen to make that man—that Bonaraats— a knight ; The banner of that parvenu, a studied insult, shown At St. George’s Chapel, Windsor, hangs right opposite my own. They knew I shouldn’t like it, if we two met ever there ; *Twould be impossible for me Naroigon’s eye to : Dash them! they knew right weil that I, all blushing with disgrace, As blush I must, could never look that new Knight in the face. For he has acted gallantly, without deceit or trick, All Europe, saving Russia, says that [ deserve a kick, For shuffling like a base, mean, shabby, dirty, double king: My name is call’d a neuter noun, which siganfies a thing. Suppose I faced my vis-a-ris— hard matter to suppose ! Of course he ’d instantly turn up that great, long, ugly nose, And that mustachio’d lip of his would curl with bitter sneer, Importing “ What has that poltroon, I wonder, to do here ? “ Off, Russia’s underhanded friend! off lackey of the Czar! Thou in that place of Honour! Hence—but leave thy spurs and star Go, in a beer-pot plunge thy face—hide thy diminish’d head— Until to shame insensible they carry thee to bed!” Whipping up a Joke. Tue Ministers in giving to Mn. Hayter a china cup, are believed ly, he is not cooked, | have intimated to the honourable recipient a wish, that he might long 6 tesu- —— a

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. , Queen's Road West, Prine Precinct of Whitetiars, in the City of London and Published by them at No. &%, ers, at thew Office in Lombard Street, in ithe ®.—Sarvapat, August 3), 166. mt's Park, both im the Parish of St. Pancres, in the County of Middies, 5, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, im the City #

Ope of Z rabl cou | sang neve j As ¢ Kill: Wei that the | all o one | HAM VILL Zam Miss prob Th were Sign that that Inste bims abov but, I Imps the did t Gern rather havin, two m closed astoni

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NCH it ; PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 83 — COOL AND COMFORTABLE THIS HOF WEATHER. | A NIGHT WITH THE NATIVES AT DRURY LANE.’ We have a large marrowhone to pick with the Directors of the Opera at Drury Lane. The other evening we attended the performance of Der Freischuéz at that theatre. The overture, to be sure, was admi- rably played. Caspar did his spiriting not gently indeed, but, we will confess, extremely well, dramatically and musically. Agatha, or Agnes, sang characteristically in the character of an angelic kind of girl, We) never saw or heard a better Rodolpho, alias Maz, nor so good an Anne. | | As to Zamiel, he played the deuce with a fine appreciation of the 1 Killian, Kuno, and Hermit, all of them, behaved very well to | Weer, and Prince Ottocar acted with almost as much propriety as | that which distinguishes Prince Atsert. The Ow/ was effective in the Incantation scene, which the audience wanted to encore. But to all of these personages the fashionably constituted mind will discern | one insuperable objection. Who was Caspar? Mr. Haminron Bra- HAM. Rodolpho? Mr. Artuur Locxsugy. Oftocar? Mn. Guan- vitte. Kuno? Mr. Honees. Killian? Ma. Cuantes West. Zamiel? Mr, Costet.o. Agnes?’ Miss (not Moxie.) Lanza. Anne 7 Miss Drger. The Hermsé’s name was omitted in the playbill—it was | probably Jonnson. This oy Be to our marrow-bone. All these ladies and gentlemen | were plain Misters and Misses. ere was not one Herr, Monsieur, Signor, Madame, or Mademoiselle in the whole cast. It is very true that the Chorus sang so well that it might have passed for German, and that the Conductor would have been taken to be a modern Roman, if, instead of preserving the final y of his name he had denominated himself Sri¢ényorn Tutitr. But the marrow-bone remains. The artists above-named were so many examples of talent considerable indeed, but merely native. We cannot say that the Oi and Supernumerary Imps did not come from La Scala, or the Dresden or the Berlin Opera— they hooted and danced well enough to warrant the pretence that they did, but that was not alleged. The Opera was performed, too, after the German manner; the whole of Wesenr’s music retained, and the con- densation done by cutting down Syooks’s dialogue. Justice compels us to add, that the Drury Lane Operatic Company, conscious of the serious want of foreign names and a corresponding accent, appreciate their own abilities accordingly, so that their prices for admission are expressed by low figures, and anybody who simply wants to hear music can get that article very cheap at their establishment, TAXATION AND TORTURE. On Tuesday morning last, while Mr. Trmoruy Brown, coal mer- chant, was at breakfast with Mas. Baown and his young family, at their suburban residence, the Collector of the district, Ma. Scaew Daiven, called and demanded two quarters’ water-rates. Mx. Baown went out to him, and represented that the second quarter was due that day only, but that the former one should be paid in a day or two, but money was rather short with him, in consequence of the War, and so many persons having left town without paying their bills. Maz. Datver beckoned to two men on the other side of the way, who came over, entered, and closed the door. The party, without saying anything, couducted the astonished Ma. Brown down-stairs to the Litehen, out of which they VOL, XXIXx. K ' turned the indignant servant. Mn. Datver then said, “I must have this money. The Company order me to get it.’ Mn. Brown repeated | what he had said, and added that he had only, as it happened, a few shillings in the house. “ The Company must have it,” was the Col- lector’s answer. He then made a sign to his assistants, Mr. Brown was thrown upon the floor, his slippers removed, and a number of | blows were inflicted with a stick upon the soles of his feet. The sufferer implored for mercy, but the only answer was, “the money.” | Ma. Brow persisting in declaring that he had it not, he was dragged to the fire, and hot water from the kettle was poured over his feet, the Collector still repeating at intervals, “the money.” Mr. Brown’s cries now brought down his wife, to whom the Collector explained, with perfect civility, that he was only torturing her husband to get the Company’s money, and then proceeded to heat a shovel red hot, with a | view to the infliction of further sufferings. Mas. Brown’s frantic appeal for a brief delay was unheeded until she tore off her necklace and ear-rings, and shewed that she was going to procure the money, which she did by pawning her ornaments. The Collector gave her 4 receipt, regretting any inconvenience he might have occasioned, and departed, and we understand that this mode of collecting for the Com- ‘pany is found to work very well, and wil) be generally adopted. (Mr. Punch utterly discredits the whole of the above report. It is | evidently the production of some penny-a-liner, who forgot that England was not India, and that practices which Mr. Venvon Suitu admitted | to be the regular means of collecting “the Company’s” revenue in the latter country, would not be tolerated here. ‘To torture Hea Masesty’s | subjects with white faces and black clothes is one thing, to torture her subjects with black faces and white clothes another, and the stupid scribe who invented this ridiculous story clearly does not know the difference. WONDERS OF THE VICTORIAN AGE. Our gracious Queen—long may she fil] her throne,— Has been to see Lours Narorkon. ‘the Masesty or Exoianp—biess her heart!— Has cut her mutton with a Bonaparte; And Cousin Germans have survived the view Of Avsert taking luncheon at St. Cloud. In our young days we little thought to see Such legs stretched under such mahogany ; That British Royalty would ever share At a French Palace, French Lmperial fare : Nor eat—as we should have believed at school— The croaking tenant of the marshy pool. At the 7rots Fréres we had not feasted then, As we have since, and hope to do again. This great event of course could not take place Without fit prodigies for such a case ; The brazen pig-tail of Kinc Geonce tue Tuimp Thrice with a horizontal motion stirr’d, Then rose on end, and stood so all day long, Amid the cheers of an admiring throng. In every lawyer’s office Expon shed From plaster nose three heavy drops of red. Hach Statue, too, of Prrr turn’d up the point Of its proboscis—was that out of joint ? Whilst Cuantes James Fox’s grinn’d from ear to ear, And Pee.’s emitted frequent cries of “ ¥ ae Finis Coronet, Lorp Camrsext boasted in the House of Lords, on the last men of the session, that he had been a soldier in his time, and said he believed | | that he could even now manage a Minié rifle. It is not improbable, | considering how well “ plain Joun” has succeeded in an aim requiring | some skill—that of lodging certain balls on the top of his own head. HAWKS ABROAD. A PROVINCIAL society has been formed with a laudable object, that of counteracting the sale, by hawkers, of objectionable books. It has, however, a curious title, being called the Book-Hawking Society. ‘To an association with such a name, the first purchases that would occur would, we suppose, be the Farcon Family, with the productions of Fa.coner’s Mews, Hoop’s, Bewt’s, and Jzsse’s, Look Again. Tue Irish ers, which publish Ma. Gavan Durry’s hope, that LirRaNDI an Seeenes may gain victories over the Allies, also com- lain that no allusion is made to Ireland in the Queen’s Prorogation wh. In terms, perhaps, there is none; but is there not a con- gratulation to Parliament on the passing the Criminal Justice Act ? Se voor | : . | ! tag NEN AIR ca.

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THE RIME OF THE ANCIENT ALDERMAN. The Alderman stoppeth a Swell, But yieldeth to cireumstances, And relnetantly lends his ear. The other re- lateth how the Mayor and Al dermen went swanhopping on the Thames The Swell toseth benefit of clergy, leastwaya of orders. The Alderman telleth how the voyage pro- ceeded. How the party eat and drank. How the party draak and eat. How, being re plete, they re buked the discon- tent of complain- ing persons, And the exagce- rationsof distress by the press. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL It is an Ancient Alderman, And he stoppeth one of three ; “ By thy gouty hand and ruby nose, Now wherefore stopp’st thou me ? The Adelphi doors have open’d long, And I would save my tin; My order’s lost at seven o’clock, Permit me to go in.” He holds him with his gouty hand “ There is the Thames,” quoth he; ‘ “ Bother the Thames,” the other cried’; “ Jump in, and let me be.” He holds him by the glittering rd, The Stunning Swell stood ai And listens in most sulky style ; The Alderman hath his will. The Stunning Swell against a lamp Leaut, as if bored to death, And thas gasp’d on that Alderman, With brevity of breath, “The Mayor appear’d, the barge was steer’d, Merrily we did drop,— The Aldermen, in City Barge,— Along on our Swan-Hop. “ At the Blackfriars we did embark, Where gapes the mighty sewer.” The Stunning Swell be stamp’d his foot, For be heard the overture. Me ton hath mounted on his stool, The desk he tappeth thrice— Four Roberts now the Swell must pay, Or wait for the half-price. “ We pull’d—at least the rowers did— Bang through the Bridges Three, And Lambeth Reach, and Chelsea Reach, We pass’d full merrily. * And then the hour of lunch was come, Our sppetites wax’d strong, We eat and drank, and oik and eat ; The Chaplain sang a song. “We drank and eat, we eat and drank, Till fall was every sinner ; And then we thought we'd go on deck, While Starzes laid the dinner. “ We lean’d along the barge’s seats, Or o’er the bulwarks bent ; We said it was a jolly world, And folks shoul be content. “ We said it was a jolly world, And everybody stated That what we read of want and wrong Was much exaggerated. | But suddenly smelt as it were a Smell Disgust of the | Chief Magistrate | and Conservator | of the River Thames. The Smell ia- creases, To their discom- fiture, And still increas- ing, it is dis- covered to arise from the streem they ought to have conserved. More revolting details. A drowning cat | garlanded with | drowned kittens is seen. The Alderman shoots the cat. The crew escape into pure air and pure water. Revolting details. ‘Sgrremzer 1, 1855, “That on the whole we really thought Things went uncommon well— When the Remembrancer baw!’d out, ‘Goce! what a hawful Smell.’ “The Mayor he started to his feet, Out of his lordly doze, And ramm’d his scented handkerchief— Close up unto his nose. “ And as the Smell came foully round, We gasp’d and spit, and swore; Such an ahominable stench We’d never smelt before. “ And after comments fierce and fast On that unsavoury theme, For reasons which Yoeed not name, h turn’d him to the stream. “When fouler, fouler rose the smell, And then we did diskiver The source of all that awful stench, Dear Gos, it was the River ! “ The river it was yellow mad, With putrid colours varied, And every kind of filthy thing Upon the tide was carried. “Dead dogs rotund, and garbage vile, And slime, and scum, and muck ; Clung round as in a feetid lake, And oozed, and stank, and stuck. Their are ren “ And in the mess a drowning Cat a Mid seven drown’d kittens sprawl’d, ‘ And her great eyes stared wildly out, And piteously she squall’d. Lind “There was a blunderbuss on board—” “ Old Cock, what are you at— Are you not well?” “QO gentle Swell, E took and Shot the Cat! And th of the ' PART Il. visit th “ We pull’d—at least the rowers did,— How long I cannot say, But up to Richmond’s pleasant banks At length we made our way, “ There ran the river pure and bright, Without a speck or stain ; So once it ran at Westminster, And so might run again.

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Serremser |, 1855.) And recovering from their dis- comfitnre, re- sume their gormandisiog, And their philan- thropy, And make merry with the suffer- ings of those worse off than themselves. Awful appear- ance of the Cat's eyes. “Ty y Ve all revived—began to laugh,— And then went down to dine, And all bad odours were forgot In my Lonp Mayor’s good wine. “ We eat and drank, and drank and eat, Back in our chairs we leant ; We said it was a jolly world, And folks should be content. “We own’d the Thames’s scent was strong, And said the labouring classes Who lived beside and drank the tide Were very stupid asses. “For why not move, as we had done, Out of the stench’s way, And why not drink the sort of lush That we had drank that day ? “ We eat and drank, we drank and eat, With toasts and s heart y— When, Goce! that Cat’s infernal eyes, Glared in upon the party. With new grief to their own nuees. Their sufferings are renewed with increased seve- rity. The Eyes are ipon Them. The Ancient Al- derman’s crime ls brought against him. They float back- wards towards town, And the Vermin f the Thames. visit them, , “Tn at the cabin window glared, Like the red fires of —well, But what was worse, along with her The creature brought the Smell. “Tnto the eabin pour’d the stench Suffasing all the air, And instant every Alderman Fell down beside his chair. “ And there we sat upon the floor Unable for to rise, While, gazing in malicious sort, Glared down that Cat’s green eyes. “ And greener grew those fiendly orbs, (Ay, greener than green fat),— As, twixt a mew and screech we heard— ‘ Who was it Shot the Cat!’ PART Til. “ FroaTinG, floating down the Thames, Upon our backward way, All sorts of foul and nasty things Did seek our course to stay. “ At every window in they look’d, Upon the deck they leapt, They crawl’d upon our visages, And on our plates they crept. “ To teil you of their hideous forms have nor power nor hope— Look on a water-drop, shown in The gaseous microscope. “ They were the Vermin of the stream That now is London’s sink ; The filthy stream that is at once Her sewer, her bath, her drink. | To thank them | for their protec | tion and patron- age The Ancient Alderman re- counts a dream He pretends to have seen West minster New Bridge. | Pish in the Thames. | Good fish too New Sewerage arrangements. | The banks in « healthy state The humbler | Classes enjoying | the river breezes The reason of this blessed change | The Swell has had enough, | Counsels the | Alderman. Adds an imperti- | nent suggestion. | | And bolts into | the theatre Half-price com- | mencing. | The Alderman | comforts himself | in bis fashion, and is duly punished. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “ And as they crawl’d, and crept, and writhed, We heard this awful ditty— ‘The Bermin of the Thames salute Che Fathers of the City!’ PART IV. “ A DREAM, a dream, a pleasant dream. I stood at Westminstere, And saw a bran-new, span-new bridge Bestride a river clear. “ The wave it was as crystal bright, You saw white sand below, And flounders, gud tench and dace, Shot, flitting, to and fro. “ The jolly salmon heaved his jowl, The whitebait glanced like gems ; In short, all kinds of fiony fowl Were swimming in the Thames. “On either bank a mighty sewer Received what ce gave, And bore it to the Kentish farm, Or to the ocean wave. “ And terraced gardens there display’d Green leaves and arbours fair, And rosy children Jaugh’d and sniff’d The river’s fragrant air. “ And artisans, (their labour done,) With pots, and pipes, and wives, Sat by the stream, aud call’d the sight The pleasure of their lives. “ And thus outspoke a gentle voice— A voice of cheer and beauty : ‘ See, London's fHlapor and Aldermen At length habe Done theix dutp!’” PART V. “Tr’s deuced interesting,” quoth The now exhausted Swell ; “ But I must be allow’d to hope You ve nothing more to tell, “ And if you'll take a fellah’s hint, You, and your Mayor, and crew ; The work you say your dream described, You ’d better go and do, “ And when the sewers are quite complete, Jump in, and you shall be With all the other nuisances, Wash’d nicely down to sea. “Now, au revoir —the boxkeeper, With the Walf-4Price board comes ; And I must hear that Buowpexer, Upon his twenty drums.” Vanish’d the Swell: the Alderman Went off and drown’d his sorrow— And with a thundering headache he Awoke upon the morrow. —~ae ~~ Sea

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. (Serremprr 1, 1855, THE CRICKET ON THE MORMON’S HEARTH. We learn from the New York Herald that the crickets and grasshoppers are devouring up, and serve them right, the Mormons of Utah. That grasshoppers will devour men, nay, whole families alive, is a fact not to be denied by any one who will consider the doings of the Gresuam grasshopper at the Stock Exchange. How many | a broker bas that grasshopper nibbled to bits, singing the while, and Bow bells ringing music to the feast! In like manner, the Mormons were chewed up in the Illinois in 1846, devoured —say the aceounts—“by the crickets; great goggle-eyed, crook-legged, bottle-bodied mon- sters.” They are more than a match for the oriental white ant, that in a night will leave the bones of an elephant as clean as adomino. Most appalling are the accounts of the ravages of these monster crickets on the hearths of the Mormons, Cradles, with half-a-dozen babies in them at night, are found empty in the morning. And a doting and incomparable husband—the spouse of fourteen wives at dewy eve—finds himself seven times a widower at sunrise. It is said, and we give the fact as a warning to all about to emigrate to marry at the Salt Lake, that the crickets have a preference for wives ; ing half-a-dozen off from under one roof, and ouring them to a music of their own, and that may be set to the = words of—“ Plenty more where they come rom.” Ingenious Youth BOX Old Cove. “Have rout” Fors in arms, when swords were swaying in the push of battle: Foes in arts, when pens were weighing claims with critic prattle : Foes in trade, at every haven, Jack ’gainst Tricolor ; Foes in habits, in the leaven of their lives, all o’er : France and Eogland, foes no longer, hand in hand are clasping : For their ancieut feud the stronger be that tardy grasping! Bells from out a hundred steeples clash their gladsome greeting, While the chiefs of two great peoples join in friendly meeting. Thick within my brain are clustermg dim historic fancies Of our Henay, bluff and blustering, kissing liquorish F xaycis ; While the Cardinal, prime mover of those puppets royal, By Any Boueyy’s broad-back’d lover rears his brow aisloyal. What are our shows for the million to that gorgeous scene, In the carved and gilt pavilion, on the plain of Guisnes ? Plate, and cloth of gold and arras,—fountains running wine— Gems that hungry eyes embarrass with their changing shine; While, amid those blazing splendours—cynosures of all— Move the Kings, with their defenders, proper men and tall. Branpoy, Dorset, Ratcrirre, Neviruz, Caper, and Carew, Engiand’s champions in the revel, and the tilt-yard too; Sr. Pot, Montworency, Brroy, Frevrances, and Commryes, Lusty sires, in silk or iron brave alike of mien. Meteor-like in trailing scarlets Wotsey rides along, While Lords, proud to serve as varlets, at his stirrup throng. In old time, ’twas in such journeys, with their pomp and pride, Masques and mummings, jousts and tourneys, kings, not countries vied. In the persons of their princes nations then were known ; What of light that time evinces shines from roand the throne. Of the people,—of their willing, working, suffering—nought ! Good for taxing, they, or killing, while kings spent or fought. Times are changed. Nor mask nor tourney gilds our sober days ; Kings, like common folks, must journey by the iron ways. For our Quzen, of outward honour make we small ado; Yet a splendour waits upon her bluff Hat never knew. With no shows nor pageants pressing round her thcugh she move. She has gems—a people’s blessing ; she has guards—their love. In their Sovereigns’ courteous meeting France and The nations are repeating vows the monarchs swear. “On! svuca a Lark, Brut! I’ve BIN AND FILLED aw OLD Cove'’s Letrer- wita Gooseserry Skins aND Hors7Ea SHELL,—aND RAPPED LIKE a Postman!” Sr. Bastrsapo.—Tue government of Rome has, in imitation of Naples, introduced the , bastinado into the Pontifical code. We do not |} see why it should not be canonised ; for what, | in the Calendar, is one stick more ? THE FIRST SINGER GOING—BUT NOT GONE. Grist gave us the gratification of singing during the past season at | the Italian Opera, because happily her villa at Florence was no‘ com- pletely ready for her—the Glazier having omitted to glaze the windows, or the Painter baving forgotten to paint the doors. Happily for the Parisians the same neglect still prevails among the tradesmen of the Prima donna, for she is announced to sing in Paris during the ensuing | winter, in consequence, no doubt, of the Upholsterer having failed to | put up the curtains according to contract, and having thus left her free to appear before the curtain again. We dare say the tradesmen of Grist will know how to accommodate their future movements to the taste of the public; and if the Queen of Song is required next year at Covent Garden, nothing will be easier than for the Lronmonger to forget to send home the seraper, or the Bell-hanger to omit to hang the | street-door bel). Of course it would be unreasonable to expeet a public favourite to retire until everything is made perfectly comfortable for her reception, and it is even possible that if she should have finally taken leave, and the pipe of the cistern should burst, or the rain should come in at 4 loose slate in the roof, she might be induced to re-appear for a few | nights during the completion of the necessary repairs. The only thing | to be ~ oe is the possibility that the Jady herself may get a little | damaged in her vocal machinery, and that before her villa is in every | Fespect Tx: for her, the public may begin to feel that it is time to say | Farewell! The time has not yet approached, but we recommend the still attractive favourite to keep her tradesmen up to the mark, if she wishes to have her villa in porlest order for her reception, when it is | really time for her to take possession. | | } } Official Incubation. | Mr. Monsett has confessed that Government has had Ma Basuet | Barrren’s improved shells nine months under consideration. The presumption might be that the shells were empty, since Government | has been sitting on them so long without hatching anything, if we were | not satisfied of the fulness of the shells, and equally convinced of the Government’s emptiness. } | THE ADIEUX OF DUFFY. | _ Mr. Durry has taken farewell of Ireland; and proposes to go ‘9 | Australia, there like the hunted ostrich, to hide his head in the Bush!

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; | | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CITARIVARI.—Szrreuozn 1, 185). | | od crn mia —_ the and hat lies one [AM any its, isic ere } red i ‘eat 1 On- i the 1] 1 at | LA BELLE ALLIANCE, 1855. | | » fo } b ' a} serene

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Serrember 1, 1855.] BARNUM FOR PRESIDENT. (From the New York Freeman.) T is with no ordinary pleasure that we an- nounce a new candi- date for the Presiden- tial chair of this great and enlightened Re- public; and we shall be much surprised if the news that the individual in question is about to tender himself for this, the most honourable office in creation, does not at once cause the heart of every true American to leap with : rapture, while tyrants upon the thrones of the old world experience the shudder which foretells impending deso- lation. The Honovrasiz Taytor Pumas Barnv, as will be seen in another part of our columns, addresses the ple of America, and asks their suffrages at the ensuing eleetion for President. What the honourable candidate has urged in his own manly, masterly, ay, and majestic appeal, we cannot hope to strengthen by our advocacy. has there shown with irrefragable force, why he is at this moment the fittest man of all our glorious millions to take the conduct of the State. His one irresistible and logical argument must | carry conviction to every bosom. “An American for the Amerieans,” | he not less boldly than truthfully says, is a maxim eternal as the) undying stars; but his corollary is scarcely less triumphant, namely, | “the most American of Americans is the man for America.” ‘To that title the honourable candidate appears to us fully to make out his claim; and because we believe him to be the complete and noble representative | of all that is great and original in the character of our nation, we humbly, but strenuously, proffer him asupport which gold would vainly | seek to buy. The honourable candidate has enunciated his views in words of singular force, and it will be a proud day for the Republic when her state papers are composed in a style which combines the lucidity with the solidity of the diamond. As weil might you seek to displace a stone from a wall with the aid of your finger as to disturb his collocation of phrases. He says :—“I own, not with shame, but with pride, that my character is truly American. I glory in the thought that my nature reflects that of the millions to whom I now appeal. [ admit that | ce have the true American admiration for all that I have myself achieved, | So | thinks the nation of herself and of her contemporaries, and [ adore her | and the true American disbelief in the achievements of others. for that noble pride. I own that the cold petty dogmas of antiquity, on what it arrogantly calls truth and justice, have as little echo in my bosom as in that of this glorious Republic. A nation with a mission like ours takes its creed from no less worthy source than its own mighty intellectual organisation. I add too, and add proudly, that it is not for a freeman to chain himself to what pedants call truth, but by the inspiration of ew prophecy, to state facts as he would have them, and then, by his dominant might, to mould them into what he has described them. I am an American, and I dauntlessly say, that he best represents America who is bound by no tyrannic fetter, but who bends his knee alone at the shrine of progress and enlightenment.” To the inherent nobility of this declaration, which has been made in feebler words by many of our leading statesmen, who have, not always ine ffectually, followed out its principle, we can add nothing. But as the virulent pens of the hirelings of tyrants, will doubtless be let loose, both in Europe and here, upon the honourable candidate, let us forestall some of their venom. te will be scoffingly said, that Ma. Barnum hos been a showman. He has—nay, he is one at this hour, and millions of dollars attest to his success. this a reproach in a land of liberty and equality? From the haughty Ten Thousand, the miserable carica- inglish and French aristocrats, we may expect the taunt—we should blush to think that a true American would think less of his President because he had made his fortune by exhibiting the wondrous creations of Providence. No, we will not answer this. But it will be urged that he has lowered his dignity as a man by attending a wretched dwarf from Court to Court in the Old World, and accepting the gold and jewels of “patrons.” Patrons! The [ums tour was the noblest work ever done by an American freeman. It was a death-blow at kings and king-ships. Barnum has solemnly declared, upon the unstained honour of an American citizen, that his only object in taking the un y monstrosity to Europe was to humble crowned heads by exposing their folly and weakness, and to show them to the New PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 89 World, slavering over a loathsome dwarf, and enriching him with a colossal fortune, while men of genius were starving, neglected in their garrets. Such was the Tuume tour, and the deed alone entitles Baxnvu™ to claim the suffrages of republicans. We fearlessly and fervently echo that demand. Not for his efforts to honour the sacred name of Wasuineton, by honouring even the aged negress on whose dusky bosom the liberator’s infantine form had lain,—not for his endeavour to confer upon the agriculturists of our colder provinces the invaluable boon of an animal that could contend with the icy wind—we allude to his introduction of the Woolly Horse —not for his graceful tribute to the reproductive talent of the Kepublic, when he gathered around him the childish loveliness of our States, and rewarded the most exquisite of the baby forms with a prize the sickly | seedlings of royalty might envy—not for the yet more chivalrous | courtesy with which at this moment he proffers the golden apple to the female beauty of the nation, but, with a delicacy unknown to regal courts, he covers that beauty with the veil of the daguerreotype—not | for all this, but because Taytor Purnias Bannum is emphatically an American, a type and a symbol of the glorious Republic, do we echo | the national cry—“‘ Banwom ror Presipent!” A SPIRITUAL WEEKLY PAPER. Tue Spiritual Telegraph is a New York Paper, worth, it would seem, many arap. In South Nuggetson, however, Vermont State, there are “ weekly papers” edited and got up een spiritual management ! We are told that a Ma. and Mas. Memaruy of have, like Jepwtua, a daughter—that is, a medium daughter. “They have an interesting medium in the person of their own daughter, fifteen years old, through whem volumes have been written,” Written, doubtless, on tallest foolscap, and bound in thickest calf. But this is nothing. “They receive ‘ weekly papers printed in imitation of type, and edited by angels ; ' and they have ‘ sheets written by invisible hands in red and black ink,’ though they have ‘no red ink in the house, and never had any’ They have seen the Spirit-hand which wrote these, seen Spirit-lights, and had many other demonstrations of Spiritual presence. That papers should be edited by angels proves that the printer’s devil has, at least in Vermont State, been altogether superseded. Now, by what means do these angels write? With sunbeams? or with quills, plucked and nibbed from their own wings? that may, in some measure, account for the redness of the ink. As for the “ yy we can easily imagine what sort of hand this must be, Mr. that enlightened place | unch having, in his | varied experience, often seen the sort of hand, of exactly the same | crooked pattern, held up in the dock of the Old Bailey. Mr. Punch can, in his own person, almost believe in the possibility of an angel of an editor; but how about an angel of a penny-a-liner? Who is to swallow jim 7 The Nightingale’s Nest. A “osrrTat is about to be built, to he dedicated by way of testimonial to the melodious-minded Miss NicgHtinGae; a hospital, in which, writes Mas. Stoney Hensert, Miss NigutinGaue’s “own system of unpaid nursing” is to be carried out. Mr. Punch will add no word of his to the beauty of the design; for words are not wanted. He will merely, as in blithe duty bound, observe, that those who think grate- fully and lovingly of the notion of the NigutrnGae’s Nest will, without loss of time, duly deposit their golden eggs at Coutts’s, When golden eggs are not forthcoming, the nest may be most cosily lined with bank- notes. Austria at St. Cloud. Tat capital actor, Reewren, in the play at St. Clond, has given a fillip in the face of Austria,—and that too in the presence of France and England. In the Demoiselles de St. Cyr, “the policy” of Austria is named; upon which Keenren, as Duboulay, after his manner cries “QO Austria! Austria!” Queen Victoria laughed—the Kmrenon chuckled in his own hearty way—and Prince ALBERT roared! It is said that the Austrian Ambassador has asked for an explanation of the government of France, and has been respectfully referred to— M. KReenrer ! Ma. Disraeti, in the course of rather a severe article in the Press, on Lorp PaLMenston’s levity, makes amends by saying “ The Paemizn has resolved to show the country that he thinks the Comic History of England the best extant.” This handsome admission that, after all, Loan PaLMerston’s judgment is sound on subjects of real importance does credit to the candour of a political opponent ; and Mr. Punch is glad to see that even amid the asperities of controversy, the Ex-CHanceLion or THE ixcuequen does not endeavour to inflict real injury, as he might have done, by accusing the Pazmrerof holding « reverse opinion. |

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— = --—— -— a PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE. “Upon what meat doth this our Ceasar feed, That he is grown so great !’ Julius Casar, Act i., Scene 2. INCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Serremper 1, 1855. A LIGHT CAVALRY CHAUNT. On, I’m a light cavalry trooper so trim, [ stand five foot seven, I’m slender of limb ; [’m small in the waist and not big in the bone, And yet for all that, Sir, [ ride twenty stone. With my tol de rol Jol. I’ve a chako that won’t stay a-top of my pate; L’ve a stiff leather stock for to keep my head straight : My jacket is tight, and my overalls too; And to turn round is more than [’d venture to do. With my tol de rol Jol. I’m all buckles and buttons, and brass-work and belts; When we trot, my horse blows—when we gallop, he melts; And as with long stirrups we’re forced for to ride, I can’t shift my weight on his back if [ tried. With my tol de rol lol. My carbine to look at is all you’d desire, But it’s too long to load, and too heavy to fire. I’ ve two pistols besides, but, for taking a shot, One light Coir’s revolver were worth the whole lot. With my tol de rol lol. I’ve a beautiful sabretash dangling at heel ; l’ve a sword, and to blant it a scabbard of steel ; And to tire my sword-arm, if all else chance to fail, On each of my shoulders I’ve pet a brass scale. With my tol de rol lol. With any light troops in the world I will show, Asa beauty to look at, a bad ’un to go. In short, I’m turn’d out, as the Horse Guards may boast, For the minimum work, at the maximum cost. With my tol de rol iol. But ay one thing the Horse Guards can’t do, try their t st, That’s muzzle the pluck in an Englishman’s breast. To cripple the soldier they ’ve done what they can, Balaklava will show they ’ve not the man. With my tol de rol iol. Then here’s pensions and peace to Peninsular men, And more power to big Jacos Omnrum’s pen : Here’s Generat Goop Sense vice Generar Rovtrxe, And here’s up with old England and God save the Quzzn! With my tol de rol Jol. BOMBARDMENT OF SWEABORG., (From the Inculnerable Russe.) A surriement to the above journal contains the following despatches from the commander of Sweaborg. They are dated 29th of July (otherwise August 10). The enemy’s fleet, consisting of 150 ships of the line, 120 mortar- hoats, and 230 gun-boats, anchored at 9 and 1] a.m., and opened fire. ‘They fired from 500 to 520 shots a minute, but with no effect. 2°40 after midnight.—The fire of the enemy has become so heavy that three mortar-boats have been shattered to pieces by the recoil, the crew of which were picked up by the boats of the ships of the line. The evemy has already lost 10,000 shells. 5°55 a.m.—A shell has fallen upon a spirit shop, and the conflagration of twenty hogsheads of raki is the consequence. Nothing can exceed the enthusiasm of our brave soldiery, who burn for the hour of vengeance. S15 a.w.—A rocket has just entered a chemist’s, and an explosion followed. The chemist’s unfortunately adjoining an oil and pickle shop, the flames have sp The conduct of our troops is excellent. 10°25 a.w.—A shell has burst in a barrel of tar, in close proximity to a powder magazine. The impending destruction was stayed by the heroic Bomeaprer Wacutsowncuiyor?, who flung himself into the burning mass, and, at the cost of his life, and with incredible coolness, extinguished it. His ashes have been preserved, and, duiy enshrined in | an urn of platina, will be dedicated to St. ANDREW. 12°30 p.w.—The enemy has brought up ali his boats, but, thanks be to St. Nicnotas, has done nothing of uence. 1 e.w.—A lucifer match manufactory caught fire, but the flames have been extinguished by a milkmaid (name not given). 2 p.w.—The enemy have withdrawn all their ships, mortar-boats, and guo-boats that have escaped. All our batteries are consolidated in their foundations by the thunder | Bowwets and Bratus.—The present style of Bonnet is certainly not of the enemy. at Casualties. —One Cossack missing. SALARY FOR A SHARP YOUNG MAN. SHarp young men of business appear in a commercial sense to be flat. Here is an advertisement from the Times, whence it would seem thet in the labour market they are quoted at a very low figure :— WANTED, a sharp YOUNG MAN, thoroughly acquainted with the examination floor, Custom House, and Deck Business. Salary about £30 per | annum. Address full particulars to A., 146, Leadenhall Street. Perhaps the hours during which it is proposed to work the sharp young man daily at £30 a-year are few in number: or perhaps that | moderate salary is to be a superaddition to board and lodging, with | treatment as one of an uncommonly happy family. It is rather un- | reasonable to expect the services of a sh young man on terms not | exceeding those which would be expected by an able-bodied labourer ; and the sharp young man who would accept them would probably be | discovered by his employer to be, in regard to any property he might | be intrusted with, considerably more sharp than honest. The Rule with many Government Places. | Tue height of the place is not always in proportion to the merit that fills it. You frequently see a weak person in a high place, and wonder | | to yourself how he got there. But do not be discontented—at a dinner- | table is not the highest seat invariably occupied by the most childish? | AS SURE AS A GUN. | Ture used to be a doubt as to the value of guns when brought into | operation against walls, but recent events at Sweaborg have proved that | aun English mortar is more than a match for any quantity of Russiar bricks. | of a Malthusian character, for since they came into use there have been more bairs-apparent than ever. | Bouloy force unifor have | taking made nation. investe THE hospits idea o which way cc bumbu dissimi Nicut giving reward wherei militar of whie tamous foundat there is find fav ® among t prov: eptib]; fashions 3 ology, Hoyte ¥as not A her althoug propose albeit ¢ nised of 7 an a individu atients laving ‘is not with pl mixture

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Serremper 1, 1855.] HINTS FOR CONTINENTAL TRAVELLERS. By our own Tourist.) 1 this season of the year, everybody who can afford it, together with many who can’t, will besiege the Rail- way or the Steamboat Station at London Bridge, for the pur- pose of indulging in a Tour. Some seek to bury their cares | in the bosom of Gravesend, with its| shrimps, its Rosher- | ville, and other cheap attractions, while others carry their blighted hopes to Margate, and endea- vour to efface bitter memories by trans- | ferring them to S| sands. Some there are whose pursuit of pleasure or oblivion runs in another chan- nel, or rather im another part of the channel, for they will PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 91 uniform, which but for their obtrusiveness might make one fancy they belonged to a corps de reserve. Che landing of the luggage from the steamboat s a great military operation, for not a sac de nuit can be pas through the Custom House without a series of evolutions performed by gen- tlemen in handsome regimentals, and who, to do them justice, combine the civil with the military in an eminent degree, [he fable d’hdte at the Calais Station affords the traveller, who is going on by the fast train, an opportunity of purchasing half-a-crown’s worth of experience, for he will have just time enough to pay three franes for a dinner which ' he has no time to eat. The traveller should beware of entering too speedily into friendly relations with a class of gentlemen holding eom- missions from themselves, and taking the title of Commissioner, who if he is an Englishman, will attach themselves to him and follow him wherever he goes. If he knows what to do, they will tell him, in indifferent English, what is | doing, and when he has done it they will touch ; their hats and ask to be paid. If he does not : know what to do, or where to go, they will walk | | about with him until they have got the keys of his luggage, and he will then be com letely in their hands. ‘The Commissioner is from that | moment the “ master of the situation,” the tra- | veller will find no escape until he is fairly off by the train. * . ad e On arrival in a Continental city, be it Paris cross the sea from/|or Brussels, or any other, you will naturally go Dover to Calais or|to see everything that is to be seen. On these | from Folkstone to | oecasions avoid taking astick for your companion, | Boulogne. On reaching the shores of France, the tourist wilijiind them guarded by a strong | for a stick is always disagreeable, most especially | force of custom-house warriors, each armed with a sword, and dressed in full military when you have to pay a couple of sous for aniform. The experienced traveller will recognise among this corps some veterans who leaving it at the door. It has been said that a bave been long im the service of their country; and there is one who was present at the | horse can eat his own bead off, but this operation taking of a carpet-bag from a party of English as far back as 1840, when an attempt was, is more rapidly performed by a gold mounted made to introduce some British calico into France. Our ally is indeed a great military | cane, which eats off its head in less than a week, | nation, for even her beadles in her churches are armed with warlike weapons, her police are| if a penny is paid every time it is left in a invested with swords, and even the touters from the hotels appear occasionally in a sort of | porter’s hands. Te — ; — ene and directions for use. As Government not only permits the sale of | is . AN ENTIRELY NEW HOSPITAL. quack medicines, but encourages it by sealing them with the stamp of | ee , yas testimonial din the Timeo—t its approbation, it of course thinks the self-preseription of specifics a | ; | , 1 HE proposed NIGHTINGALE testimonial announced in the /imes—a | form of medical treatment proper for the public at large, and must | ery served by unpaid nurses under her direction—is a tribute, the therefore approve of a hospital in which the indigent sick may relieve be | idea of which we regard with feelings far different from those with | themselves of their maladies by the same practice. which we contemplate the gold salver voted to the arch-rogue of a rail- | onl way company, or the tea-service and slippers presented to the clerical | — ; humbug. d, we are rather ashamed at having named such very : he | dissimilar things im the same sentence. If the public gives Miss | PEACE UPON CRUTCHES. : per | NIGHTINGALE a hospital, it will acknowledge the good she has done by | r , t= giving her more of it to do. Virtue, in this case, will be its own| Tune is a very pretty story of the War that we hope foreshadows ( ; rp reward, but the case will be, that one of extremely rare occurrence, | the conditions of a peace. On the attack of the 18th on the Malakhoff I rat | wherein the meritorious party can enjoy the recompense. Thesufficient|Carrary M., a Frenchman, and Carta §., a Russian, meet and | { ith | military hospital, also advocated by the leading journal, is an institution | exchange the ‘‘ usual compliments” with sabres. Both are hurt; and un~ | of whieh not only is the establishment desirable, but the want is in-|the Frenchman is made prisoner. Both are sent to Odessa: again ot famous. It may, therefore, be feared that the suggestion for the | both meet. The Frenchman is cured of his wounds, is hale and strong ; | rs | foundation of such a hospital will not be adopted by any Ministry. But | but the Russian is still upon crutehes. However, the old combatants | : be | there is a description of infirmary whereof the notion might very possibly | recognise each other; embrace ; and become such friends that, when | ht ‘ind favour with a British Cabimet. Many of our enlightened aristocracy, | they part, they separate with weeping eyes! ie sae fl mong them, we believe, Loxp Rosert Grosvenor, support a place What a pity that men do not embrace before fighting, that no fighting | { provision for the treatment of disease by doses of medicine imper-| may come of it! Is it not so, Ma. GLapstowe; is it not so, Ma. : eptibly larger than the ultimate particles of matter. Of course, these| Briout? We know that both of you will say “ay,” and so says | : ashionable philosophers and wise ladies have studied anatomy, phy-| ?uach; but since this cannot be; since the Czan, strong upon the | : ‘ology, and pathology, and have thence been enabled to discern that | wrong side, will cross his sabres, let us hope that, with the Kussian ; ; at | SUNTER and ABERNETHY were two humbugs, and that Hannemann | Cartary 8., he may have the worst of it. ecan only embrace Kussia » @ — vas not one, for clearly he was one, if they were not two. with safety, when we embrace her upon erutches. : > A homeopathic hospital is not, however, what we are now alluding to, ¥ F although the ruling powers might be likely enough to entertain the | : roposal of that. We mean a hospital of an entirely novel character, | Austria Slandesed. 1ibeit conducted on medical principles which have long been recog- | ; to used officially. ‘This is to be a hospital without physicians, surgeons,| Some evil-disposed foreign journals have stated that Austria had | rat tan apothecary. One medical officer is to serve for all three. That | remonstrated with Krve Bomsa on the wholesome punishments ant ndividual shall be the Patent Medicine Vendor. He shall supply the | introduced, under royal patronage, into Naples and the Two Sicilies. ‘tients with whatever remedies they may chocse to demand, they | There is no truth whatever in the malignant report. “Spare the rod saving to prescribe for their own eases. To enable them to manage | and spoil the child,” says high authority. Me the stick and 10t us not very difficult matter with perfect ease, let them be furnished | spoil the subject,” thinks Austria. It is understood that Krva Boma en with plenty of advertisements of various and rival pills, ointments, | will continue to use the stick until compelled on his own account “ to uXtures, balsams, elixirs, tinctures, &c. &c., including testimonials cut it.”

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LONDON CHARIVA RI. RATHER ANNOYING, Mr. Todgers's disquat, after flogging the water all the afternoon, in vain, to see Farmer Giles’s stupid oi acoeitinltnbeienies unaene THE ROYAL SALUTES AT BOULOGNE. Mr. Puncu very much regrets that, circumstances over which he of course had no control—(whoever has ?)—kept him from the shores of Boulogoe on the arrival of Queen Victoria; otherwise there would not have been left for future historians, a great question—to be hence- | forth known as the Great Kiss Question—never, perhaps, to be satis- factorily settled. The unsatisfactory report of that kiss will descend, echoing through generaticns. We are told by the Morning Post, that ought to know something about a question of “ cheek,” royal yacht was brought to, a flying bridge was extended to her from the shore. “ Bat no sooner had the Qceew put her foot on it and left the deck, than, as on her first touching the sol of France, the Emperor, who hed previously dismounted, eame forward, took Her Maseery by the hand, and saluted her on both cheeks customary among royal personages on such occasions.” 4 salutation The English present, not aware of the royal etiquette, were at first taken, says Jenkins, by surprise. However, they soon recovered | themselves, and corroborated the salute on both cheeks “ with three very hearty cheers.” Now, history would be content with this ; but how is | it possible, when—on the testimony of the Morning Chronicle—the cheeks are changed? The Chronicle, with historic gravity avers that— “His Imperial Majesty immediately stepped on board, and, having bowed, kissed the hand of the Queex. Hea Masgety then kissed the Eurteon on Bord 418 CHERKS.’, Will this question ever be cleared up ? We fear not. It is hardly to be expected that Her Masesty will “write to the Zimes,” denying the statement of the Chronicle ; whilst, on the other hand, it would be a shocking want of gallantry in Lovis Naroweon to do so, he being most deliehted to enjoy the benefit of even a doubt. However, Mr. Punch thinks he espies a way by which the difficulty may be managed. Boulogne has already one column, a column commemorative of the landing (that did not take place) of Narotron in England ; let there be another Boulogne column that, to all future generations, shall perpe- tuate the pacific landing of Victoria in France. The Emperor would have come wielding thunderbolts,—the Queen really lands, offering the rose of Albion to be bound up with the violets of Gaul. iV ery different memories will be awakened by the two columns. “Colonels, forward!” writes Ney in his Account of his Division for the Invasion if Great Britain—and “ in ten minutes and a half, twenty- | four thousand men embarked.” Another sigual proved it was a feint to try the rapidity of their embarkation: for “in thirteen minutes from | the time the soldiers were on board, they were drawn up in battle) | array on the shore.” | That is, not on the shore of Dover. The Napoleon Column comme- morates a feint; the Victoria Column will testify to a truth. NaroLeon | that when the | —_ petnammathe. 1, 1008. guns on the | Picardy; and did not land— Victoria did. There were no thesderin shores of Kent, but the salute of peace on the strand as the givers and takers of these salutes may otherwise be a matter of | dispute, Mr. Punch pro this easy le of compromise. On the base of the monument there will, of course, be four medallions. Let one of these medallions show how the Exrenor saluted the Queex oa both cheeks, and how on both cheeks the Quzewx saluted the Emrznosg. | RARE FUN AT RYDE. One of the most amusing as well as intellectual of our old English sports and pastimes, is a competition consisting in the pursuit of an animal greased as to the tail, and in the endeavour to catch and hold it by that appendage. Another is the rivalry of climbing, or rather haga to climb, a pole similarly lubricated, on the top of which is placed a similar animal. That animal is the prize of seansory or prehensile prowess ; amusement results chiefly from unsuccessful exertion ; the competitors are clowns in general: and the animal is always a ig. The refined mind will admit that this diversion beats cockfighting by much, if it is not very superior to chess or billiards. To a more robust taste, "if not to a stronger intellect, it may appear insufficiently exciting, and capable of improvement in that respect. Something has been done towards filling the room for that improvement: as witness the following > Copy of a handbill published at Ryde, in the Isle of Wight :— POLE DANCE. On Thursday, August 9th, 1866, at Four o’Clock in the Afternoon (weather permitting), A GREASED POLE Will be suspended from the Pier, at the end of whieh will be placed a Box containing a Pig, which, with Five Shillings, will be a prize to any one | residing in the Island, who will walk along the Pole, let out the Pig, and | briog it ashore without the aid of a Boat. All Persons wishing to try, must be dressed in Guernsey Frocks, and | enter their names at the Pier Toll House, before Two o’Clock on Thursday. GF Should the weather prove unfavourable on Tuursvay, the Sport will take place on SATURDAY, the 11th, at the same hour, Ryde, August 6th, 1855. G. Burien, Printer, “Observer” Office, Omemnat, Lind Street, Ryde. The horizontal arrangement of the parr pole and the pig over the water is a great improvement upon the perpendicular on ferrd firme The fun of failure is much enhanced by the consequent ducking ; besides which the sport has the interest of danger to the competitors. If one of them, in falling, knocked his bead against the pole, he would perhaps be stunned, and then he would not only tumble into the sea, but would never rise out of it. However, some attendant emissary of the Humave Society might succeed in spoiling this consummation of the sport ; and geese swim; therefore, instead of suspending the pole over the sea another time, it would be advisable to set it over a tank of boiling water. A close plantation of spikes would answer the same purpose 1 less expense. But what public-spirited party is it that has been thus treating, o offering to treat, the Isle of Wight people to games? Whoever that party may be, the Ryde Pier proprietors ought to be particularly obliged thereto: for no doubt the attraction held out by the pig and the “Pole Dance” to the intelligence of the Island was calculated largely to augment the receipts at the Toll House alluded to in ti above-quoted announcement, Mr. Laing’s Russian Reward. oe e Times benevolently observes on the melancholy case of Ms AING: ‘We bope that, if peace does ever again visit the earth, Mr. Lara will reap th fae of his support of Russia, and gain the concession of 2 railway long enough * console him for the immediate loss of all the dividends and premiums which & miserable people of Italy are not to supply to him.” Yes ; a very long railway; so long that it may reach even to Siberia; Ma. Larnc having the privilege to issue tiohole the whole of the wa) to his friends the peace-at-all-pricemongers ; tickets carrying luggast, but by no means returnable. Tue Kaiser anp THE Porz.—A Concordat has been signed between Austria and Rome. Jvupas has kissed Barappas. " Printed by William Bradbury, of No. i3, Upper Woburn Place, and Drodastes Mallett Evans, of No. 19, Qu-eo's Boul West, Regent's Park, seth in the Parish of “St. Pancras, hitefriars, im the City of Londoa, and Published by them a: No. %, Fleet Priverrs, at ther Utiece in Lomberd Sweet, ia the Precinct of W Leonadoa.—S,rvsoat, September |, 1554. im the County of Middlest*. Street, im the Parish of St. Bride, in the C#7 ”

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¥ lish t by ting od a asile g by bust bing, = | ar the firma esides f one rhape would ymave 1e sea oiling ose at ng, * r that valarly ig and ulated | | her way, but that was all. Serrempen 8, 1855.) PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE. “ Hear the king's pleasure, Cardinal : who commands you To render up the Great Seal presently Into our hands :”.— Henry VIIT., Act iii., Scene 2. _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 93 A PARISIAN SOLEMNITY. Our Parisian contemporaries have been fall of glowing descriptions of what they termed the “solemnity” which took place at the Grand Opera on the oecasion of the Queen’s State Visit, The solemnity consisted of a trio from William Tell; some variations sung by Cavvetii; an élincelant bolero; le galop cosmopolite ; and, by way of conclusion, _— Gode Save the Queen. Our vivacious neighbours have an odd idea of a “solemnity” when they describe by such a term a sort of medley performance, in which a bolero and a galop formed the principal ingredients. We could conceive the title of “solemnity” being given to a selection from the Old Masters, whose Ops. present the most ponderous specimens of abstruse counterpoint ; but to attach the notion of anything solemn to an entertainment comprising sparkling boleros and cosmopolitan galops is an idea we cannot realise. We can — a solemnity made up from the labours of the old contra-pointists, but there is a vast difference between the galop of mo- dern date and the slow coach movements of the ancient harmonists. With our mercurial neigh- has any object the moment; and as such we are willing to accept every incident connected with the visit of the Queen to the Frenci EMPEROR. Iprosyncrasy or tHe €zin.—Some people faint at the smell of cheese: a cat in a cu board will make others uncomfortable. The Emperor or Russia, who can swallow any quantity of train-oil, is thrown into fits by the mere mention of a box of Sardines. PUNCH AT BOULOGNE. Avevst 27.—Boulogne has scarcely been in bed all night ; the town may have taken twenty winks, but before cock-crow was wide awake | and doing. When Victoria flashed along the Port to the railway terminus, she just left a lambent stream of light behind her to mar Boulogne saw nothing of the royal counte- | nance—nothing of the royal smile, that, during the absence of the sun | for faithful Albion, to have a | moon-light, and fire-light. from foggy England, ripens the royal peaches in the royal gardens. Therefore, Boulogne resolved, on the return of the Queen, to embark stare at Her Masesry by day-light, ‘o this end, the sun of sunny France vouchsafed its brightest lustre—(it could not have been finer on the | morn of Austerlitz)—whilst the moon, with a gentle pale face, sweet and fair as Evetnte’s, looked mildly down; and yet the same moon that shone on Agincourt! The fireworks slept like dragons in sheets of aper, ready to spit and sparkle with the first “ Promethean touch.” ulogne was so full, that many families slept with their feet out of Hotel windows—English all; a fact easily, and withal painfully, commu- nicated to the Gallic beholder by the clumsiness of the sleepers’ shoe- leather. One enthusiastic solicitor from Thavies’ Inn could be accommo- dated for a bed with nothing more extensive than a knife-board ; but being professionally accustomed to make much of a little, he was over- heard to assure his friend Knaces (of Furnival’s) that he couldn’t have slept more sweetly on a woolsack. Perhaps, indeed, he got up all the sharper for that knife-board ! It touched the British bosom tenderly, musically,—so musically, that the British heart-strings, vibrating to the sentiment, softly murmured God Save the —to mark the hospitable, the affectionate preparations made to welcome the Bonne Petite Reine. She had shot through Boulogne | like a sunbeam onward to Paris; she had beheld, to the astonishment of the dust of grandfather Georce Taz Turrp, the capital of his | patural enemy; she had beheld, and wondered ; and was now returning, filled and lustrous with the splendours she had gazed upon! The glories of the Hdtel-de-Ville must still float about her—the glitter of the thousands of bayonets, glistening in the Champ-de-Mars, must make a halo around the royal bonnet. Queen Victorta, an excellent | little Queen, landed at Boulogne, and went on her rapid way to Paris. But now she returns, glorified, sublimated by the homage, the raptures of the past week,—and, par Dieu / she is now not only une bonne petite reine, but une reine magnifique! For, had she not gone, hand in band with the Emperor, to the coffin of Narotzon’ Had not Bartayyia, a little remorseful about St. Helena, gazed with reverent softened eyes at what covered: so much dust—dust, that once with the quickening might of myriads! That right hand had hurled thunder- bolts, every bolt bringing down some throne, One the thunder could not reach, but still fell short, still went down into the deep that still hissed in scorn. And now, the gentle woman who adorns that throne, in her very gentleness embodying the calm strength of England, comes to the coffin of the dead enemy of her land ; and in his coffin—the while the organ peals old England’s anthem—buries all dead enmities. Such an incident is, in its solemnity, the very religion of history. Painters historieal, prepare your palettes! * Punch changes paragraphs, and is again at Boulogne. At five o'clock, a cannon boomed forth—‘ Here she comes!” “ She comes ”— “she comes ’—bellowed another and another. “ She is come,” another bellows, with thundering satisfaction. The magnificent Queen has returned to Boulogne, and Boulogne fetches a long breath ! There can be no doubt of the magic influence of Paris on the Queen or ENGLAND; yes, and on the Quegn’s first and most dutiful subject, Prince Axpert, late of Saxe-Gotha. The Boulogne mind discerns even in the improved bonnet of the Queen or EnGianp the blessed in- fluence of the Paris visit. The Quexn’s brow is more ample ; a tablet enlarged to hold greater memories : the QueEn’s eyes were blue as the sea at its bluest,—but now, as the they are deep. Her Masesty has devoured so many wonders, that she has become exalted beyond mere Britannic royalty. She has eaten and drank of the ambrosia and nectar of Paris, and her mien, ber looks, declare the influence of the celestial fare. So speculates and resolves,the philosophic mind of Boulogne ! : In a few minutes, and the Queen fo prepared to review the troops on the Sands. The Champ-de-Mars had been honoured in Paris,—why not the Champ-de-Neptune in Boulogne? There were the compact fellows drawn out, drawn in; and all of them very plainly understanding their business; a truth Mr. Punch was immediately, convinced of, when he observed Frecp-Marsuat Parsce ALBERT give an approving nod. The Marswat seemed particularly pleased with the marvellous move- ments of the Chasseurs de Vincennes, who treat war as 4 practical joke, and, would have as much fan and no more in dislodging monkeys from a sugar plantation as in routing regiments of Russians. I[n fact, to a Chasseur, a mounted Don Cossack is no more than a monkey on | pony-bhack.— Nothing can beat the good-temper of these fellows: they crack a skull asa good joke; and to their teeth bullets are merely sugar-plums. If there be “ dogs of war,” then are the Chasseurs war's playful puppy-dogs! ‘The review ended, and, it is said by some who VOL, XXIX. L bours, however, everything is a solemnity, if it | oye an a mate . ~ =

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94 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. hoast good eyes, that as the troops moved off the ground, the statue of NAPOLEON on bes own Column, bent a little forward; and his bronze lips moved somewhat, as he vouchsafed down from his eminence, an imperial how. Napourow in the flesh had, in his time, been on that el nothing could move him then: but now a scene was acting on Boulogne Sands, that in its wondrous strangeness moved and melted even bronze. To think that French regiments should, on a French shore, pass in review before a Queen or Enciayp, the while English three de kers, calm in the maguificence of their might, should lie lazily m the «fling! The Qoeex or Exotaxp went to dinner, and all the fireworks, from smallest, most spluttering squib, to tallest, and most sta rocket, | must have felt the warmth of impatience that still pervaded logne, growing the warmer as the hour came on. At length, God Save the Queen was breathed throngh regimental brass! (Again, a very sharp eye-witness averred to Mr. Punch that he saw the bronze NaPoLzon just | ft his bronze chapean'!) The Queen descended ; and, at the same | time, the Queen’s yacht, the Victoria and Albert,—\ike the Sea-Serpent ilaminated—with flery speed, dashed to the harbour to receive her mis- tress. The thing seemed alive, and of its instinct seemed to know its duty. Can Ma. Puvecu write fireworks ? Can he dip his pen in pyrotechnic [Serremper 8, 1855. suddenly touched into a firework of some sort—this P a marvellous rocket, showering stars; this vu a Bengal light; this y—this c—this n —each and all a marvellous combination of fire and colour,—let the reader obligingly think this, and so thinking, multiply the fireworks by multiplication that shall reach to the skies, and he may, perhaps, imagine somewhat of the splendours that burned about Queen Vic- ToRia as she took her way on board. Out blazed a bouquet, growing to the heavens,—a bouquet of red, white, and blue fire-flowers—roses red and white, and violets of azure—as the yacht, its quarter all a flame, like burning arrow, shot along the sea! And then— and then—the guns of the English ships gave mouth; as it seemed to Mr. Punch’s ears—with a gruff affectionateness, welcoming their mistress, the Royal Lady of the Lions, baek again to them !—Still they roared, and still deeper and deeper, as though their satisfaction deepened as their own Queen came nearer and nearer; and she was once again among them! And in such affectionate, such loyal guardianship—with the hopes of Franee and England intermingling above her and around her—so leave we VICTORIA. Two Mermaids rose in the offing. One sang God save the Queen, the other trilled Partant pour la Syrie. One was an Eogiish maid; the ink? Why, perhaps not. But let the reader consider the ‘ore other French. When each had done her singing, each by way of keep- him. Let him imagine every letter—black and small, and thronging— | sake changed with each, her comb and glass, THE PEACE PROJECTILE COMPANY. Limited Liability. Capital £100,000,000. A Company under the above title is in course of formation upon the newly-le- | = principle of simited Liability. | The superiority of | private enterprise to | the operation of Go- vernment, which has hitherto been exem- plified in every in- stance where the one has come into con- trast with the other, warrants the conclu- sion that a body of intelligent capitalists | would pursue the arts of war with the | same relative success as that with which similar societies have cultivated those of peace. and satisfactory ter- mination of the War | is an object, which of itself, would ren- der a large outlay a wise investment on the part of any im- portant member of the mercantile community, and the projectors of the Projectile Peace Company have accordingly determined to fix the Company’s Shares at TEN THOUSAND POUNDS PER SHARE. The object of the Company will be to test the merits of Inventions calculated to | pulpit, accepted by the sect whie bring the War to a conclusion by the DESTRUCTION OF HER MAJESTY’S ENEMIES, Their Fleets, Fortifications, and Strongholds; and one of its immediate proceedings | will be to investigate the Plan of Lord Dundonald For the annihilation of Sebastopol, Cronstadt, &c. Early in the next Session of | Parliament a Charter will be applied for to enable the Company to try, on their own pecuniary responsibility, any such destructive agent, power, machine, or invention with the proviso, that such experiment sha templated by Her Masesty’s Naval and Military Forces. not interfere with any operations con In the event of a The speedy | The Projectors submit, that the restoration, by their un- aided efforts, of such a peace as that which they contem- plate would alone more than repay the Subscribers; to | say nothing to the great Economy of Human Life And human suffering which would result from the whole- sale, but limited, destruction of savages. *.° Subscriptions will be received at the Company's Office, 85, Fleet Street. “WRITE ME DOWN” A * RECORD,’ Tue Record lately quoted from our last number some lines relative to the Promenade Concert given in Kensington Gardens on Sunday to the Public, by the Queen. To this quotation were annexed certain comments, reviling us, of course, for ribaldry and profaneness. Our sanctimonious contemporary accused us, moreover, of advocating, in those verses, the institution of JULLIEN’s concerts upon Sundays. If the Record writer has ever been present at the concerts of M. Jutitex, he must know that they usually include quadrilles, polkas, and other frivolous and trumpery pieces |of music, whereas the music which we represenied as proper for Sunday, was distinctly described by us as having, on the mind of the hearer, an effect essentially and bene- ficially spiritual. Veracity is not the forte of any of the fanatical journals, Popish or Protestant : but we do not accuse the Record man of ew hes uttered, to the prejudice of Mr. Punch, the thing that is not, knowmg it not to be. We dare say that he has not the most remote idea of what we mean by good music. | To him, probably, sacred music is parish psalmody ; nothing | else, and nothing more; miserable and vulgar tunes married | to equally miserable and vulgar verses ; such as the doggerel ,into which Nicuotas Brapy and Nanum Tare have pre- |sumed to turn the Scriptures, in diluting, corrupting, and rhyming, the songs of Davin. Sacredness in music, as apprehended by him, is probably what, to any person with an average ear, and ordinary | sensibilities, is maudlin drearmess; wsthetically the same thing as the groaning, and moaning, and whining im the h he represents for devotional expression. Tis allowance of ear, however, may be said to be considerably above the average, and m re- spect of both ears we should say that he ought to have, by some inches, the advantage of the “tremendous justice Midas,” or the “translated” Bottom, | | A Weighty Argument. | We hear a good deal about the War being necessary to upon the enemy, as they may deem worts of the experiment, always, of course, | preserve the Balance of Power, which is no doubt the case ; | but there is ano! her Balance—and a pretty powerful balance | it is—which is likely to he destroyed rather than preserved demonstration of the capability of the scheme thus tested to answer its purpose, | hy the existing state of things. There is not a state in should the DuNDoNALD, notwithstanding its approval by SIR CHARLES FOX, Government still neglect it, as they neglect the proposal of Lox | Kurope which will not find its balance—if it happens to have any in its treasury—seriously jeopardised by the hostilities which have broken out. | them this r to his prepa cial su

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Serremser 8, 1855.] PORKERS ON PARNASSUS. HE fine Statue of Sie Ropert Peevat length stands in its place in Cheapside, and the noble Emancipator of Corn faces his old friend, the warlike Emancipator of Catho- hes The Aldermen have had sad grief and trouble about it, bow ever, and their last uuhappiness has been about the inscription for the pe de stal The orly report which has been allowed to escape the Court states that the Fathers of the City finslly resolved that the stone should bear nothing but the name of ‘Peet,’ with the dates which open and close bis history.’ But it seems that manv of the Aldermen had strong feelings upon the subject, and thought that the inscription ought to say a great deal more. One of them considered that the names of all the civic dignitaries who conspired to do the statesman PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 95 [his epigraph excited some approbation, and but for the envy of other Aldermen and poets, would have been at this moment on the pedestal. But it was opposed by ALDERMAN GREENFAT, who, with a loud voice, read his own composition : “To Sm Rovsrr Peet, Bart., The City gives applause, For taking an active part lo takiog off the Cora Laws.” Atperman GLosuxar thought that both of these were well, so far as they went, but still he considered that the Aldermen “ ought to be brought in somehow,” and he proposed to intro duce them as follows :— “ The Aldermen of London Can eppreciate public merit, Bo erect this figure of Pert On account of his public spirit.” The neatest inscrip'ion of all was, however, tendered by ALDERMAN GureRKINs, who sugges ted this— “ Erected to 81x Roneat Per Because we think he did a deal Of service to the common-wea! A fierce debate, however, arose upon the last word of this composition, some maintaining that it ought to be spelt “wheel,” being an allusion to the helm of state, and others— indeed the majority, civie elegance, in which the changes were pleas- ingly rung upon veal and calf; and finally, after a great storm, the Meeting sulkily decided that there should be no inscription at all, except what has been mentioned. And this is certainly the right decision, for the less vety small men have to say about a very great man the better. this remarkable honour ought to be engraven on the pedestal, as it would naturally add to his fame if the world knew what very great men had thought well of bim. The kindness of an offi- | al supplies us with a copy of these. Atpexman Gaunter moved the followng— prepared inscriptions, for which they fought with much animosity. “ He made food Cheap, for which we Sigh'd, And so this is erected in Cheapside. OLD BRICKS AND OLD MORTARS. Several had y called Ladies’ All-rounders, Gazette Extraordinary. Hen Masesty bas been pleased to command that the fashionable mushroom hats are to be Yes—we are an exceedingly practical people The History of England \hat virtue will show. We don’t trust our eyes, when they say “there’s a steeple,” But, bang, with our noses against it we go. And not till our noses bleed after collision, Do we feel we ’re entitled to say, with decision, And at length—Hip-hurrah '!—we ’ve got gunboats and mortars ; And now, spite of granite and sands and shoal waters, Our Tars will soon have their own way with the Tartars : Sweaborg first, and then Cronstadt will soon be assail’d. “ Bat hold”—say the theorists—“ mortars, ’tis certain, Will wear out with firing—the fact is well known,” Js it so? We can’t rest on mere random asserting ; “ Yes—it és solid stonework, and not a mere vision,” And the practical proof quite makes up for the blow. Hence our wars have been triumphs : for, hen we commenced them, We conclusively proved all the stone walls we found, By gallantly running our heads up against them, Singing out Q. E. D., as we came to the ground Thus we ’ve proved the Crimea makes bad winter quarters, And the proof has but cost us an army of martyrs : To exact the same proof in al! Russian waters, Through our naval campaigns, we by logic are bound. North-Sea skippers declared that the Baltic was shallow, So, too, said the charts ; but Jonn Butw’s no. so flat As, without some more practical proof, things to swallow On mere word-of-mouth and eye-witness, like that ! So of man-of-war stations our Whiteball assigners, Send into the Baltic our first-rates and liners ; If they get aground, Sir,—a fig for the shiners '|— That ’s a practical proof there are shoals—cerbum sat, Theoretical writers maintain’d, for such waters, ‘That, gun-hoats of some six feet draught were the thing That Russian forts to the pounding of mortars (Though they mock point-blank fire) soon “ peccavi” would sing. Mere reasonings that gunboats are needed, we scout them! Let ’s have practical proof, first, by trying without them To show long guns won’t knock the foes’ casemates ahout ther Long guns, and not mortars, against them we'll bring Well, the practical proof—dear to Butt—has been given Our liners Aave grounded, our long guns have fail'd With short soundings and stonework im vain we have striven, , Vainly Gaauam has written, and Napiex has rail’d By a practical proof we must have the fact shown. Send our mortarboats out with no relay of metal, If the mortars fail, mend ’em, as tinkers a kettle ; If they burst—why, the practical point it will settle, That honey-comb’d gun-metal ’s best let alone. Here, too, we ’ve had practical proof that with firing Gun-metal wil erystallise, duly, and burst ; But who, save Joun Butt, would have thought of requiring Loss of life, and a half-and-half victory first ? Bat what if we Aare lost some men by explos ‘on, If the granite of Sweaborg still frowns o’er the ocean ” We ’ve got practical proot of what was but a notion Of a few closet-writers, in theories nursed. Now ’tis fact, that old officers wear like old iron, And this fact Mr. Punch in Jouw Boww’s head would fix ; With old mortars our arsenal yards we environ, Why not with old mortars get rid of old bricks ? We have gouty old admirals, cranky and crusty, Peninsular heroes, grey, mildew’d, ard musty Let us not wait for practical proof how untrusty A Wetwiveton’s self crows at sixty-and-six. The glorious old boys! Punch profoundly respects them. He knows what they 4ave been, but sees what they are Their duty to do, he, like England, expects them Which is to lie up, and nurse chalkstone and scar. Let them warm their old bones in the sun, and have pensions— can affurd it—of monster dimensions, Jous Buu And like Napier, confining to print their pretensions, With insular pen wage Peninsular war! contending that its initial should be a | v,” which produced some sarcasms of the usual | ee a ee | gn meget ee

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96 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI (Sertempsa S, 1855, ; § OBSERVATIONS ABROAD. (BY A PREJUDICED MAN.) Perwars there is no more striking difference between the gross English and the refined French than in the matter of eating. “Les Anglais!—Mon Dieu! Comme ils mangent!” says your Parisian, and with reason, no doubt. For young Ma. Butt would, in all probability, have gone the length of eating an egg and a piece of dry toast, or even a rasber of bacon, with a cup of tea, by way of breakfast; whereas the young fellows in the picture have had nothing in the world but a couple of fowls, with nice greasy sauce—a dish of cutlets, accom- panied by mushrooms, olives, and cockscombs—a melon—a bow! of eggs beaten up with truffles—about a pint of currant juice and iced water—a large crayfish, or lobster, a bottle of ordinary red wine, some salad, with plenty of oil, four peaches, two apricots, a dish of potatoes | a la maitre @ hotel, two cups of coffee and some rum, a yard and a half of bread, and just a handful or so of radishes, a few almond and ratifia cakes, and a dozen lumps of sugar! How} much more delicate and sensible is such a meal! And yet, somehow or other, at the age of — a Frenchman is generally obliged to wear stays to preserve his figure, and he has no igestion to speak of. POUNDING OF SWEABCRG. Tue trembling Baltic shore With a volcanic roar, The fast and furious cannonade astounds ; Thousands of bombsheils fly Across the smoky sky, In every one of them—there goes five pounds! sut pitch away the cash, And may the death-bolt crash Into as many little bits of bomb ; Those fragments, every part, Reaching a RKussian’s heart, As there are farthing pieces in the sum. The more gold we expend, The more cks we send To Nicnoxas, who loosed them on mankind. How much of life we save, In smashing every slave, To work a Tyrant’s murderous will design’d' Delightful is the note, From the blazing iron threat, Answering the Muscovite hyzna’s yell, When, Liberty to crush, The brandied Helots rash, Mow’d down before our batteries pell-mel! Those mortars are the things, Upon Destruction’s wings, The telling kind of messenger to send Those, who to no discourse Save that of mere brute force, Their stupid, savage, servile ears will lend. More mortars! send out more, Burn arsenal and store, Let the shells seatter death onevery side ; Among the slaves, to show Their Czar that. he is no Colossus that shall all the world bestride. Work, founders, work away, There will be much to pay : If there’s as much to show we'll ery “Content Sink, burn—that War may cease, Kill and destroy—for Peace ; Spend money, that ios money may be spent. ‘» A PROBABLE GLUT OF GENIUSES. Aw anonymous individual, who is quite right 1 concealing bis name, has given 10,000 francs, some £400, to be distributed in prizes to men of letters of every degree, and of every nation. We tremble to think of the number of geese that will be sacrificed to provide quills for the myriads who will rush into manuscript on the chance of btaining a share of the wolwed jlunder. The highest prize is one of P40, for the best novel, ecnsisting of not less than 50,000, and not more than 60,000 letters. We suspect that even the successful competitor will starve before an award can be made, for the arbitrators cannot come to a decision until they have counted all the letters in all the novels that may be sent in for adjudica- tion; and when this operation has been gone through, it will be necessary to read every one ol the million manuscripts that will pour in upon the harassed judges. When all this has been done, there will still remain the task of appropriating some £20/) among the authors of second rank; and as the numbers of those who come off second-best in the literary world are incalculable, we look with real horror on the task that has been imposed on those who have been appointed to adjudicate. MODESTY WHERE LEAST EXPECTED. Dewicate Swe (holding up his long coaé pre- vious to running over a dirty crossing). “Good gracious! I hope to goodness no Lady will see my ancles!”

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i i ys ye mee i nV jaktdkes TATA lit 0a hh 1a | H a | } } Wah H +") he ' ( { ati! Latah TH JUSTICE PARSONIFIED. Reverend Gent. “AS FOR YOU TWO COLLINS, YOU HAVE BEEN FOUND GUILTY OF THE HEINOUS OFFENCE OF LEAVING YOUR WORK TO SEE A REVIEW, AND AS YOU DON’T SEEM SORRY FOR IT, | SENTENCE YOU TO FOURTEEN DAYS’ IMPRISONMENT IN CHELMSFORD GAOL, WITH HARD LABOUR.” (Fact/) a

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Ma. difficult volume: Conver: carried what ta pox at 1 In the F to be @ convers but not hut not other tl Fage notes oO mmort: subjoins the esti Elms P us note Enter, é pur ah Gne pat me" gro M PR a Miss Viss

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Serremper 8, 1855.] PUNCH, OK THE “ PLease ’M, HERE’S FrpO BEEN A ROLLIN’ OF HIMSELF IN THE ‘ Keron ’Em alive, O!'” ENGLISH CONVERSATION. Ma. Ponca has read in some book or other, that “ Conversation is a difficult Art.” Like most things in most books (except a series of volumes of which this is the twenty-ninth) the statement is ridiculous. Conversation is perfectly easy. In England, especially, the art is carried to the utmost pitch of perfection. You have only to listen to what takes place in the omnibus, or on the steamboat, or in the next box at the opera or eating-house, or as you come home from church, or in the railway train, or in any other place where people talk publicly, to be convineed that English people talk remarkably well—that their conversation is easy, precise, pointed, fuil of information, instructive but not pedantic, lively but not flippant, bold but not audacious, serious but not didactic, and a great many other things but not a great many other things, and, in short, that the British Public talks admirably. Eager for the honour of his native land, Wr. Punch has been taking notes of a good deal of Conversation which has lately reached his immortal ears. And in proof of the justness of his eulogium, he subjoins a specimen of a brilliant dialogue which occupied and amused the por het individuals who delivered it, all the way from the Nine Elms Pier to Blackfriars Bridge. He took it down in short hand, and us notes may be seen on application at the publisher’s. Sczene—After-Deck of the “ Bride” Steamer. Enter, embarking from the Pier, Ma. Brown, a well-dressed, florid, fussy, pursy lady's, man, of middle age, and some rotundity ; Miss Jones, a highly-dressed spinster, of a certain age, with rather a made voice and simper to match, and her friend, Miss Rowrnson, of the same pattern, The ladies were unacquainted with the gentleman, hut they met at the pay-place, and the plot of the drama is that the man who gives the tickets thought for a moment that the three were one party. Mr. Brown (bustling aft, and smiling). Ab, ha! Ha, ah! Waits, Miss Jones ( following). Hee—bhee—hee. (Takes her seat. Wiss Robinson ( fainter). Hee—hee. Takes her’s. Mr. Brown. Ha! Ha! The Ladies being seated, Mn. Brows sits. some time. Mr. Brown (with a more subdued laugh). Ah—ha! Miss Robinson (volcanically). Hee—hee—hee—hee—hee. Boat moves off. Mr. Brown. 1 am bound (emphatically, and with action) to say, \adies, that I do not think be meant to be impertinent. Both Ladies, O dear xo! O DEAR no. Mr. Brown. Mistakes will oecur, you know. Both Ladies. Jast so, just 30. Mr. Brown. You are aware that he must see a great many persons in the course of the =. Wizs Jones (thoug ally). I suppose he must, Mr. Brown. Yes. some of these persons come alone, while others come, perhaps two, three, perhaps even more together. Miss Robinson (apprehending). Ah! Exactly! Yes They all smile for Mr. Brown, Well then, it is difficult, unless he is told, for him to know whether one person belongs to another’s party, or not. Miss Jones. It must be, of course, LONDON CHARIVARL 99 Viss Robinson the same moment, Wr. Brown (delighted at her quickness). Precisely so—precisely so. Wiss Jones (jealous of her friend's laurels). Ot course, if a person deposits the money for one ticket only, he is not likely to mistake. Mr. Brown (considers this problem). No—no. At least he is less likely to do so. Wiss Robinson (evidently an administrative intellect). Except that sometimes in a party everybody agrees to pay for themselves. Wr. Brown. Yes, and that avoids confusion, Besides, in that case, t would not matter what he thought, because he would give but one ticket to the person presenting the money, you see. Both Ladies (crushed by the canals op of the subject). Just so— just so. (They bump Lambeth Pier. Mr. Brown. 1 did not for a moment consider that he meant to defraud. Miss Jones. O, certainly not. Wiss Robinson. 1 should think he was an honest person. Mr. Brown. He looks so, but then we mustn’t judge by looks, ladies, ha! ha! [They all laugh. Miss Robinson (timidly). But—but, it is a place of trust. I think | have heard that the men are obliged to give—securities—is that the word. Mr. Brown. | have no doubt they do. I say, most distinetly, that they ought todo so. I say so as a man of business. Were this Com- pany under my direction, | should feel it my duty, and most assuredly one from which I should not be tempted to swerve, to demand security from any person who received the Teeny’ money. wgerly). Especially when they approach his box at The Ladies muse over this statement—perhaps think what worlds of other Companies are under Mn, B.'s direction. Westminster Pier. Miss Robinson (whose subtle brain ia perfectly Giapstowian). He did not like to give me the three-penny piece, at first, though. Mr. Brown. Few people like parting with money. Ha! ha! Miss Jones. True. Yet what is the use of money, unless spent ? Miss Robinson. Moncey is the root of all evil, they say. Ur. Brown, Srill it makes the mare go. Ha! ha! Great fun for some minutes. Miss Rolinsom (bent on the solution of her new problem). But his trying to keep back the three-penny piece would not show that he was dis- honest towards his employers, bat only to the public. Mr. Brown (solemnly). My dear \ady, I have always remarked, in my progress through life that—( They bump Hungerford Pier). Dear me, there is always a mess at this pier. O, all right. I was going to say, that I have always remarked, in my progress through life, that a person who will be dishonest towards one person will be so towards another. Miss Jones (determined to go tn for honours). Certain\y Miss Robinson ( forestalling her friend). Because there is nothing more to make a person honest in one case than in another. Mr. Brown. Precisely. Except the fear of being found out. Ha! ha! Viss Jones (who has something in her, after all), Fear of detection is a low motive to deter from the commission of wrong. Mr. Brown. Very just, very just. It is so. Miss Robinson (rather a fatlure this time), Persons should know their duty, and do it. Mr. Brown. Very true, very true. So they should. Viss Jones ( pursuing her advantage), But f everybody did what they ought to do— Mr. Brown (the masculine vigour re-asserting itself). We should not want those majestic buildings to remind us of what is proper and right. They bump | Points to St. Paul's, as they bump Waterloo Pier. The Ladies gaze | upon the Cathedral, as if seeing it for the first time in a new light, Miss Jones (giving way to her enthusiasm), Tt is indeed a fine structure. | Miss Robinson (devotional feeling having overcome her rivalry). \s it not? And how well you can see it from the river. Mr. Brown. lt was built, you are aware, by Sia Cunistornen Waew. | Both Ladies (thankfully). O, Sr Cuntstoruzn Wnen. Miss Jones, 1 always forget the name. Wiss Robinson, \ think of a little bird, but then I forget which bird. Mr. Brown ( facetiously). Perhaps, if the man had kept the three- | penny piece, he would have spent it in paying to go in and see St. Paul’s, [The Ladies are conoulsed, until they bump Blackfriars’ Pier. Mr. Brown, “Ha! Ha! I wish you good morning, ladies. I am going to get out here. Bath Ladies. Good morning. Mr. Brown (as he ascends the pier). Very nice, lady-like women—full of intellect and appreciation. [ Exit. Miss Jones. What a very well-informed man, dear. Evidently an influential City merchant. Viss Robinson, Or banker, perhaps—his manner is so superior. (The “ Bride” proceeds on her perilous way. The Right Man in the Right Place. Ma. Gavan Durrv, Irish Patriot and Parliamentary flunkey to his Holiness the Pore, has siguitied his intention to transport himself to Australia. Ma. Gavan Durry is a good judge. = — _ in, = tata omen Ng etenm

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THIS HANSOM WHEN IT CAME ON TO RAIN. IS CAPTAIN GOGGLES, WHO WOULD SIT FORWARD IN A PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. —— 1855. [Serremser &, A COMPLAINT FROM THE PADDLE-BOX. By a Captain in the Above-Bridge Service. Arr down the Thames I steam until I’m il], 0! All down the Thames to London Bridge from Kew And I’m forced by way of antidote before I seek my pillow, With the draught that is so black to wash down the pil so blue. If any one should ask me the reason why I sicken, [ tell him ’tis because I live on liquified manure : For while all the drains of London the Thames with garbaze thicken, Though its tide be e’er so slow, it will certainly be sewer. Beside the drains, the bone-mills all add their foul out-pour ings, And gaseous filth from gas-works flows in emetic streams And while the dirt at bott®m defies all tidal scourings, With eat and dog inanimate the surface thickly teems. Then all down the Thames smal] wonder [’m so ill, O! And shall be until Parliament to cleanse it finds the way But except the River-Cholera some sitting Member kill, O The House, I fear, won’t listen to advice from Fanapay. THE IMPASSABLE PARK. Prince ALBert is Ranger of St. James’s Park. He has a fine view of it from the front of Buckingham Palace. The prospect of the busy multitude of foot-passengers, diversified by nursemaids and hoop-trundling children, must be pleas- ing to his Royal Highness of a fine morning, when, full of benevolence and breakfast, he surveys that scene from one of the windows, with a serene countenance, and his hands behind him under the tail of bis dressing-gown. But he must observe one deficiency in the spectacle. He beholds his Royal Consort’s foot subjects, but not Her Mavsesty’s horse. ‘The comfortable carriage and convenient cab do not cross the field of his vision. The look-out is pretty enough, but deficient in the Hansom. Privce Apert being, a aforesaid, Ranger of the Park, has the power, and doubtless only wants the hint, to do the handsome thing by conceding a carriage way across it to the cabs. STREET NAMES. Awone the numerous benefits which London will derive from the new Act for the Government of the Metropolis, is a revision of the system of street nomenclature. The mass of King Streets, Queen Streets, Victoria Streets, Albert Streets, and the like, will have to sort themselves. To each King Street will be put the Shakspearian question, “ Under which King, Bezonian?” and the Queens will be expected to be equally explicit, and to apply to Miss Strickianp for separate christening. Victoria Street (and Punch Street) will be names restricted to the very highest order of thoroughfare, morally, socially, and architecturally considered ; and the Albert Streets, with perhaps a couple of exceptions at opposite quarters of the town, will be told off into Consort Street, Hat Street, Night-light Street, and other titles which, preserving affinity, may avoid confusion. ed justice will be meted out to the plebeian localities. Swiru and Brown will not be allowed to stud districts all over with Smith Streets and Brown Terraces, nor will it be held sufficient reason for having | eleven Mary-Ann Places in one suburban parish, that eleven respectable and uxorious builders have wives of that name. As for John Street, James Street, William Street, Alexander Street, Henry Street,Edward Street, and all the other streets with mere praxomina, they must pre- pare to take less ridiculous appellations. A Christian man may be entitled to be called a brick, but bricks are not entitled to the Christian name of a man, A register is to be opened, and every street is to have its own name recorded, and no street to take that of another. Why, indeed, should it? What is the use of an alias toa street? It can always be identi- fied if it gets into disgrace; and though one street often runs into another, it is sure to be caught. We hope, therefore, that all decent streets will hasten to obtain their own distinctive names. Some difficulty, it is thought, may arise in the selection of the new titles, and inhabitants who have settled placidly down under the no- meaning names of Pleasant Row, Prospect Terrace, the Paragon, or the simply declarative River Terrace, Thames Bank, or Parliament Street, may rebel against any title which may have more definite associations. | But, while respecting this English feeling, let us remind such persons that no vow of allegiance is at present held to be implied by residence in a street with ever so specific a name. Living in Wellington Street does not compel you to go about in Wellington boots, residing in Grosvenor Kow does not pledge you to the Sunday Trade Bill, chambers in Regent Street do not make you an admirer of Geoncz TurveyrpRop, a house in Gordon Square does not constitute you a wor- shipper of Lonp ABERDEEN, and you may dwell in Wood Street and yet join the rest of your fellow creatures in considering the First Lord of the Admiralty no very great statesman. Did a house suit Mr. Punch, were there hot and cold water to the top, no black beetles or church bells to be seen or heard, and the taxes reasonable, he would not hesitate to live therein, even though the street were called after Ma. Durry or Mr. Cavcrarr. A Commission, with Mr. Punch at its head, will probably issue for the allotment of names, and literature may be enabled to render some assistance in the business. He is not inclined to forestal his work by publishing his whole plan, because in that case Government would pro- bably steal it, and give him no money. But he will furnish a specimen of bis notion. He would divide London into districts, and by means of his own immense topographical knowledge—not that he would not be glad of the co-operation of his friends Peter Cunnincuam and Jon l'1mps—he would decide what feature gave worthiest historical, social, or other characteristic to the prescribed locality. Settling this, the feature in question should give the key to the nomenclature. Suppose, for instance, that the district included the New Palace of Westminster. This is, evidently, the key required. Parliament Street exists. Add to it Lord Street, Commons Street, Throne Street, Speaker Street, Mace Street, Bauble Street, Green-Box Alley, Black Rod Passage, Lobby Street, Order Street, Bill Street, Vote Street, Count Street, Bore Street, Bribe Street, Profligate and Unexampled Expenditure Street, and so forth. Observe the great advantage of this system. It would make no second title necessary. Who hears the word Bore or Bribe, and does not instantly think of Westminster ? Take another instance. Suppose Drury Lane theatre were the feature of the district whose streets required names. Preserve Drury Lane. Add Kemble Street, Kean Street, Young Street, Siddons Street, O’ Neill Street, Macready Street, Vestris Street, Braham Street, Mali- bran Street, Stanfield Street, Grieve Street. Or, if it would not be too humiliating to a respectable locality, even the names of authors apd umself it 1€ Comme xind of thi oefore Sz made him Of cours iristian | anifested ut, Cor ‘alant offi We have & Excu ured, 1 ‘ca mov lhe Tim ught te a Great B and that th 0€3 not e) prise th ~nstructec No doub

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ize iv () nas yme § Ol HN Serrember 8, 1855.) ymposers, who bave in some humble degree contributed to the success of the stars, might be ised for the back lanes and by-ways, as Shakspeare Court, Ben Jonson Alley, Beaumont Passage, Fletcher Lane, Sheri Son Rossini Row, Balfe Buildings. One would not be severe, and suggest titles which, though they have no connection with any of the above nourable names, might hit elsewhere, as Rant Street, Stamp Street, Quack Street, Puff Street, Gag Street, Clique Street, and other appeilations that might occur to the malicious. Or, finally, suppose the district to be named included Mr. Puach’s Office. How the corner f the streets would sparkle with one constant illumination. Punch Street, Judy Street, Toby Street, would be the grand titles, and despite what has been said about non-allegiance, the rents would go up fearfully from the moment those names went up. Happy too would those lucky heusdialitons be whose destiny should plant them in Almanack Street and Pocket-Book Row ; happy the dwellers in Caudle Street, Titmarsh Street, Struggies Street, Pips Street, Briggs Street, Comie England Street, Violet Street, Honeymoon Street, Bib Street, Bashi-Bazouk Street, with those in Wit Street, Humour Street, Wisdom Street, and the other streets which would derive their names from all the Virtues formerly resident with Bisnor Berxexzy, but now far more bly installed at 85, Fleet Street, London. THE CUMMING MAN. , 7 |] OWEVER profitable to his { ’ if :| i , it must be, } or it ought te be, very painful to Da. Cum- muinG to be made the subject of the numer- ous and various pulls which are ¢i concerning himself and his works in the = * ent newspapers. e are beginning to be al- most as familiar with the name of Cummine as we are with those of down to posterity in the supplement to the Times, or the adver- tising sheets of the Quarterlies. Et no doubt answers the pur- pse of the pious pub- ishers who wish to sell a few extra copies of the Voices of the Vight or of the Vorning, or of the Afternoon, or of any other hour that may be thought suited to the taste of the day, render Da. CumMING notorious in newspaper paragraphs; but to the Reverend Gentleman umself it must be—or it ought to be—most distasteful to have his “reputation kept alive,” as e commercial phrase goes, by continual puffing. The latest instance we have seen of this und of thing is a puff for one of Dx. Cummmne’s Sermons, which is said to have been preached oefore Str J. Camppext, previous to his leaving for the Crimea, which Sermon is said to have nade him “‘ ready to die as a Christian,” and he accordingly “fought and fell like a hero.” Of course the inference is, that the Reverend Gentleman’s Sermon was the cause of the iristian heroism of the unfortunate, but gallant General, who we have no doubt would have anifested all the noble qualities he evineed, even if he had not attended the Chapel in Crown ut, Covent Garden, before proceeding to Sebastopol. We hope we shall hear no more of ‘allant officers having been preached to death by Da. Cummuna. BREAK DOWN OF THE INCOME TAX CART. We have to announce a break down of the Income Tax Cart, whereby the CHANCELLOR OF # Excurgver has been thrown out, but no one as yet appears to have been seriously yured. The accident was owing to a defect in one of the wheels, known as Schedule D, rich moves on the swindle, or unequal pressure principle. lhe 7'imes, in commenting on the occurrence, observes, that Schedule D does not yield what ught to do, and illustrates this remark by the statement, that there are only 505 persons iGreat Britain returning between £900 and £1000 annual profits from trades or professions, iid that the number of those who return between £1000 and £2000, from the same sources, toes not exceed 5,350. That the Income Tax Cart should have thus broken down will not rprise those who long ago foresaw that the vicious principle on which Schedule D was ~nstructed would sooner or insure its failure. . _, No doubt this is a bad job, and our leading contemporary has reason in urging that the Tax art must be got to go, if the War is to be carried on; and that the War must be carried a, Or the Cossacks will triumph over us. Of course, it is a great plague to Government ‘Aat the public will not pay up and grease the unlucky wheel of this fiscal vehicle. It is tatural that every Minister should have “complained very bitterly” of that shortcoming Sut then, how bitterly did the industrious public complain of Schedule D! Taey complained Meously of the shame and the wrong of taxing the whole sum of one man’s earnings, “ud the interest only of another’s capital; the entire property of Jonxs, and merely a part of PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 101 Rosryson’s—that part being precarious. They cried out on the monstrousness of taxing an income which, long before the call of the col- lector, might have ceased to come in. They cried, not indeed to deaf ears, but to callous hearts. The iniquity was admitted: the answer was, that they must grin and bear it. This is the language of cool unprineipled Forre address- ing the helpless. Most people ol. such a recommendation as far as they please, and no farther than they must. They gr'n; but instead of grinning and ing the injus. ce, they grin ; and, if possible, evade it. They grin, and evade — D, and the Income Tax Cart breaks Tell men to grim and bear the confiscation that you are able to enforce at the point of the bayonet; but don’t be so silly as to give that advice to persons whose own conscience is the imstrument by which you mean to subject them to extortion. What verdure a statesman must imagine that he sees in the eyes of a peuple, whom he expects to afford the information which he asks for, avowedly in order to bamboozle them. Tt is wisdom almost worthy of Ma. MeRRYMAN to se to swindle any person, with the know of that person, by means of questioning him upon his honour. To question any one for such a purpose, you should use the thumbserews. It may be the duty of the un- | fairly-taxed victim to be an aecessory to the fraud which Government seeks to practise on him. If an incorrigibly insolvent rogue, whom iz > not wish to offend, asks you if you five pounds about you, with a view to bor- |row the money, the rule of striet veracity may require that you should answer in the affirmative, if you eannot, in accordance with fact, reply in the negative. But except our noble selves, and \@ very few others, f mortals appear to be |imeapable of such exalted morality—and so we | have a break down of the Income Tax Cart, | Very lax, very lamentable, periaps; a sad | Sluntness of moral sense may be evineed in } meeting imposition with subterfuge, instead of yielding to it with simplicity. A truly conscien- tious map, perhaps, would rather be a party to cheating himself than cheat the Government, if obliged to do one or the other. The generality of people under such circumstances give them- selves the benefit of the doubt. This is human nature, in the face of which Chancellors of the Exchequer must not fly: if they do, Tax Carts break down. Indeed, how is an unrighteous tax ever to be got rid of, but by making Governments discover that it will not answer? Let us have a new Tax Cart—one that will go—rolling along equitably. Our admirals and generals have just found out that mortars are the best means for a bombardment. Perhaps Ministers may, by deep study, arrive at as great and as simple a discovery in taxation. What if an increase in the Inhabited House Tax would furnish a satis- factory Tax Cart? Wanted, a tax which cannot he evaded, and which there would be no excuse for evading if it could. At least, a man’s house affords a truer revelation of his means of living than any confession likely to be extorted by the rack of a fiscal inquisition. Prench “ Welcome.” Tuts has been a difficult word for our neigh bours to spell rightly. However, they ma- naged to do it with due significance in the bon accord they gave to Lomp Mayor Moon; for, over his Hotel, blazed in oil lamps, the letters— “ Veal come!” 4 SHAME AND A SNUFPLE. Iw order to name, correctly, the Court of nquiry in the Crimea which virtually tried Ma. BakeweE.t for calumny in his absence, it is ne- cessary to catch a eold. The tribunal im ques- tion was a Court Partial, er I meme ne ne eed

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI ‘Serreuser 8, 1853,

iit re - - ) \ Ke OUR ARTIST GOES TO ALDERSHOT TO MAKE A SKETCH IN THE CAMP, 4ND MEETS WITH AN ENTHUSIASTIC RECEPTION.

On Tuesday and on Wednesday they work’d as they were wont, THE TREADMILL FOR A TRIFLE; | On Thursday _ Joszra Brown call’d them unto ——— ‘ . Before a reverend magistrate, Georce Hgwmune is his name, OS, 4 BARD CASS BUR CASEACE. Who gave these poor men fourteen days’ hard labour. What a shame Fe bed pened nye | a0 70 ak quietly am, | On the Reverenp Georcs Hemarne did Farwen Brown prevail Related by Joun Tieaaanee his age is fifty-two, | To give these honest young men a fortnight in Chelmsford gaol, Of his two sons sent to Chelmsford Gaol for attending a Review. anes with rogues and scoundrels of base and wicked lives, o work upon the treadmill torn from their families and wives. The one is Tuomas Coxtty, the other Geoner by name ; | Im vein 462 Mason Passeun thelr besd come represent ; Geonce Coutin is a married man and Tuomas is the same. | The Home Office would not remit their cruel punishment. Grorex Cotton he has one child and Taomas he has five, | Inquiry on the subject having been, by Sm Gzoncs Gazy, Whom a Reverend Beak for fourteen days of their fathers diddeprive. | (Of Pausos Hemminc made, to hear what he had got to say. Joun CoLtty’s deposition, sworn to and taken down, Three groans for Parson Hemmine and three for Farmer Brow Declares that he aad his two sons were at work for Joszra Brown, | nd I think I see three scarecrows paraded through the town ; Of Roydon Hamlet, Essex—a sheep-jobber is he— Then in a bonfire biazing, with a smell of piteh and tar,— And likewise a small farmer of petty mean degree. | A Parson, and a Farmer, and his Majesty the Czanz. "Twas on the fourth of August these two young men did say Bad luck to every wretched hunks and all umhappy screws, To Ma. Cuuncu, Brown’s foreman, that they wanted half a day, That would discourage fine young men from going to reviews, To see the Essex Yeomanry review'd on Nazing-mead, Likewise to every Justice, whether clerical or lay, W hereto the foreman neither objected nor agreed. That backs them up in putting any hindranee in their way Upon the following Monday, Joan CoL.rn said and swore, That be and his two sons got up as soon as half-past-four, Abyssinian Progress. Which was before their regular time, their master’s work to do, — Bo that they shouldn’t wrong him by their going to Review. Or all the crowned heads of the present day, that of the Kixe ABYSSINIA appears to contain as large a quantity and as good a qua.!! They work’d till one o’clock, when Cavacu bade them to cease to,of brain as any. His African Masesty has prohibited siavery, mow, nounced polygamy, and banished the Jesuists. Three almost equa! Then Tuomas unto Nazing-mead immediately did go, tine things to do !—what other existing monarch or state has done thes Geores Coit follow’d after in about another hour, jall? Africa is not only distancing Europe and Asia in civilisation, 0% Not thinking of curmudgeons, nor of Jack Priests in power. going a-head of America too.

Printed by William Bredbury, of No. 13. Upper Wobure Place, amd Prederick Moilett Evans, of No. 19, Queen's Rood West, Regent's Park, both in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middiews eters, at thew Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whit-triars, in the City of Losdem and Published by them at No. %, Fieet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in the 7 * i fou SATURDLI, Seviem

Then In cc To tk Bothy In N Inhat What Your And | Whie 3ut Their They They ' Their Blueb Left o Black} From A hole Where Tn win And is | Iknow I knov

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val

PUNCH, OR THE L( SerpremBer 15, 1855.)

INDON CHARIVARLI. 103

is more easy to believe that the language above quoted proceeded a calf than from a clergyman. Yes—beyond doubt, if the words were | uttered at all, the tongue that spoke them might be an ingredient of | a and the possessor of that organ must be one of the Essex | ves.

MRS. DURDEN’S ANNUAL TROUBLES. Wet! Here’s my plagues come back again—the usual torment of the

season, | Them nasty good-for-nothing flies—I can’t think what can be the nD reason. In course such things is sent to try and punish us for our transgressins ! To = that books—oh ! all my eye—is wrote to prove the varmint essin’s ! Bother your nasty snails and slugs, and what you call your Recreations — In Natural History, fleas and bugs, insects and their habitations, Inhabiting our ticks and beds, where there’s no means of getting at ’em. What can there be in people’s heads to like such nasty things? ab, em! Your cockcbafers, and grubs, and worms, your palmers and your caterpillars, And what’s the use of Latin tefms for good-for-nothing moths and ___ millers ? Which in the candle always flies, and serve ’em right, although they suffers ; 3ut then it gutters whilst they fries, and so I kills ’em with the snuffers. Their homes and haunts, indeed! I know too well what places they infestes ; ; ‘ ; They burrows in my brockilo, and in my cabbage makes their nestes. They ye their ways, and lays their eggs, and frets, and ferrets, and , deposits : Their = in clothes on all my pegs, in all my trunks, and drawers, and closets, Bluebottles, I am quite aware, about my safes and larder buzzes, Left open by the want of care of inattentive thoughtless hussies. Blackbeetles on the kitchen floor, and cockroaches, all night are i sprawling, From underneath the cupboard door, or from behind the dresser crawling. A hole somewhere behind the grate, I take it, is the cricket’s quarters, idles ; Cay * Where they goes on at such a rate a-chirruping at —— Tartars ! In windows and on ceilings both the daddy-longlegs fix his station, And is a sign of shameful sloth whichever is his situation. | I know that mites inhabits cheese, and hams is where we meets with hoppers, I know likewise that straw breeds fleas; thatch’d cottages is full of whoppers ;

VOL, XXIX. o

| All that I know, and that ’s enough ; I want to know no more about’em, | A PRODIGY IN THE PULPIT. OMETIMES in ancient Rome the ox used to speak, | Maggots in filbert nuts is found, and Unless it is what pison stuff is the best kind of thing to rout ’em. also is their dwelling, Wopses in plums and pears abound, and stings, which cause a dreadful swelling ; Talk of the good which they fulfils!—I don’t believe a word or letter, What I say is, the more you kills of enemies like them, the better. They plaguy things was made to eat our refuge, lecture-teachers tel! us ; Rub ,-t they comes to taint our meat.—If we was to believe them ellows, The blow-flies we should leave alone, and let the spiders live to eat’em, | And be with cobwebs overgrown ; a pretty way, indeed, to treat ‘em. Servants would have a fine excuse, dusters and brooms for not employing, | If sitch like creturs was of use, and therefore didn’t want destroying— | I sweeps ’em down, and hunts ’em out with every kind of tions, And ~ and tremples em without more pity than I would the oosnans.

ASTONISHING THE “BROWNS.” Tue Laureate says that we are fools to trust “a tradesman’s ware or word,” but we hope that we may be permitted to recognise his polite- ness. The remark is forced from{us by observing the exquisite mode in which the West-End traders now return us our v small change. Before us lies the sum of two-pence, which, with a bottle of soda-water, we have received from a Pimlico chemist, in return for a sixpence. The “coppers” are enclosed in the neatest little square scen envelope, on which is embossed a charming wreath of lilies and roses,—the latter coloured rosy red,—and this legend is intertwined with the flowers— “The Change—with Thanks.” Can politeness go farther? Echo answers in the affirmative, for we understand that other tradesmen have even blander phrases engraven on their packets. One hands you the change, inscribed, “ What a lovely day!” Another, with an eye to business, says, “ With hope to see you again,” and a third, “ Would you recommend our articles?” The Spaniards used to perfume their money. The Englishman does this, and more—he gives you perfumed money and fair words. He may cheat, but even if he does, it is a case | of “ stealing, and giving odour.”

A Nice Dinner for a Nice Party. Iy the knapsacks of the Russian prisoners were found bread made of unsifted flour and rape-seed ; a piece of raw suet “which appeared to have been cut out of the belly of a dead animal, and a smal! bag of salt.” Mr. Punch proposes that Manchester should invite its peace- mongering members to a banquet, and serve up to them the above rations. As they have such bowels for the Emrgnor or Ruseta, let them, if they may, digest the creature comforts he provides for his Museovite children. What is good for the Cossack is surely good for Mitwer Gissoy.

Literary LwteL.iceNce.—One of the assistants in the gop of the British Museum has published a pair of new boots, that are making a deal of noise just at present in the literary world. 7 I —_ CN a rts (ay ore sar

en RR a Fm rae io 2

Page 108

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARE. A STATUE FOR THE HORSE GUARDS. - HE moral gallantry displayed at head quarters is only equalled by the physical courage exhibited before Sehastopo!l. What a daring defiance of public opinion has been shown at the Hlorse Guards, if we are fo eredit the following para- graph in the South-Hastern Gazette! “ Senoeawt Baoorez.—On Mon- dey. Beeoeast Baoom, of the First Royal whose ecn- duetin preventing the duel in con- nection with the ‘ practical joking,’ has repeatedly been referred to in these columns, proceeded, accord- ing to his route, to Chatham, to undergo the usual inspection pre- vious to being discharged from Hea Maseery'’s Service; while Apsutawt Waeetea,# ho prompt- ed the duel, and ordered his men to ‘knock the Sergeant down with the butt end of their carbines’ if he resisted being taken to the guard-room, for preventing its consammetion, has been promoted to a capteiney in the Turkish the Sergeant isto be rewarded bv his discharge from the Service!” Military justice is of a nature so peculiar that we beg to suggest an iustration of it im the shape of a statue to be placed im front of the burldieg m St. James’s Park which is consecrated to the martial autho: ities. ‘The statue of Military Justice should be represented with the sword of course, and also with the bandage, but ict the latter, instead of being tied over both eyes, cover only one eye, and let that one be the right. LETTERS REWARDED.—“NOCTES AMBROSIAN Z.” Ir is not to be expected of flesh and blood—for Pusch is no longer ligneous; Pusch, as Samuel Johnson would now allow, Aas ings— it is not for Pwmek, then, to suffer any reward vouchsafed by authority to letters, to pass unheeded, ee We know not, indeed, what may be m store for literature. e believe that we violate no confidenee—and if we do, we cannot help it; joy, in its expression, is apt to be incautious—when we state that a late Royal visit to our dear and affectionate Allies may abound with much future good to Literature, Art, and Science. France and England mutually feel that they can in no better, no stronger way, consolidate the alliance than by each copying the exeellences of each. Therefore, England is about to pay France the first compliment of imitation. In France, writers, painters, meu of Art aad science have, time out of mind, been acknowledged, and from time to time, in so far as the state eoald dignify, dianifed Even im the time of Louis tue Fourteentu, Versailles was little more than a palace-of-ease to poets, deamatists, painters, sculptors. They were the birds of the sun; more considered by the Grand Monarch, than were the ducks of St. James by his brother king and bought flunkey, Cuan.es Tue Seconp. And so, with a difference, it was with Une Naro.eos; and so it is again to be with Nephew Lours. This pleasing fact. was made very evident, on the QuBEN’s visit to Versailles and other places, where men of genius were invited, and—no spoons were missing ! It will be remembered that our excellent ambassador, Lory Cow.ey, has beea attacked in the columns of the 7imes—(the usual pillory for rseeuted goodness, misinterpreted benevolence, }—because, forsooth, was not disposed to acknowledge the existence of English jurymen ; individuals, mixed up with literature and seience, whom his Lordship, by means of his Lordsiip’s bellicose porter, kept at extremest arm’s length. “ Literature and science not admitted” were written—but in shortest hand —upon that porter’s forehead. It is now to be otherwise the frowta! notice is to be forthwith erased: and, in obedience to the advice of a distingui-hed Prinee, Loan Cow ey is hencefor'h to receive men of letters, Art, and science. His Lordship felt that he might have justified bis late ignorance of English jaryren by the example set in the Royal palaces of Great Britain, but his Lordship is a courtier, and as a courtier, held his tongue. However, reward of the right men who have written the right books, chiselled the right statues, and made the right discoveries, will hence- forth be of daily occurrence. The first person, happily selected to illustrate the new and better order of things is Proressorn Fearaier of Ediaburgh. The Professor, it may not be rally known, is the editor of the collected works of Paoresson Winsow; a man of very varied genius—a man who coald dash off a Highland landscape, all fresh (Serremper 15, 1855. with the morning dew still glittering on it,—a man, moreover, who could impale either man or woman, if wickedly Whiggish, upon his pen, with all the ease of heart, all the loud enjoyment of a schoolboy who runs a corking-pim through the bowels of a cockchafer. Pory- PHEMUS never took a humen marrow-bone with greater enjoyment, never made his cave echo with blither bellowings, than did Curisto- puer Nortn feel and utter, when he devoured alive, bones and all, a wretched Radical! At such meals, his countryman, Sawney Beane, was not a fuller feeder. At Cmristrorwer’s Noctes Ambrosiane homan hearts were served up—|'ke the peacock’s brains at Lucun.vs’ suppers—a hundred toa dish. But these were strong-stomached times. A reputation—like a pullet, the whiter the better—was a mere mouth- full. Mr. Maarrry, dressed by the cook Carnistopmer (be cooked his own dishes), was served up as ‘an Irish jackass.” Joserpu Howe lay on the sideboard as “a poor createre m mind, soul, and heart.” Broveram smoked as “a Billingsgate fish-wife,” M‘Cuttocu as “an obscure and insolent Jout,”—and so forth; for we may not dwell upon half the mumber of dishes that, from month to month, was served up by the Apician CaristorHer. Well, as we have said, certain party men had strong stomachs in those days, and they, doubtless, enjoyed these things, even as a Kaffic enjoys his rough meal of swine intestines. When, however, the col- lected works of Wrison were first talked about, timid folks feared that the Noc/es would make no part of the reprint: they feared that they might be allowed to pass away with the offal, the dead rats and drowned kittens that were once so buoyant, so biting and so scratching, in the kindred columns of the Age and Satirist. Such timorous men knew not the stuff whereof Paoresson Ferarer was compounded. That conscientious editor has thought it a solemn duty to reproduce all the dishes compounded and gl over by the living Cuaistorver. They were sweet and fragrant to the nostrils of an age when Toryism | tyrannised in the Commons, and doubted on the Woolsack ; and, like spices extracted from mummies, they must have a smack, a flavour still. We must in 1855 still enjoy the memory of a good, eccentric man, as “an Irish jackass,” must still langh heartily to bave Lonp Broveuam, a “ Billingsgate fish-wife,”—-still acknowledge the delicious jest, subtly conveyed, in Mra. M‘Coxioca as “an obscure and insolent out!” With an industry only equalled by his conscientiousness has Pro- | ressok Ferarrer so far acquitted himself of Ads edition of Noctes | Ambrosiana, The more pleasant part remains to be told. For reward | of the Professor's services, the learned gentleman bas been offered, | under the operation of Sir Bensamin Hatt’s Metropolitan Act, a very | distinguished position in the sewers. Here, certainly, we have the | right man in the right place. . — . , | A FRENCH BULL TAKEN BY THE HORNS. Jounx Bus is now a very familiar object in Paris, but an Irish Bull is still a novelty in France, though one of our French contemporaries has recently favoured us with what almost deserves to be termed the Beauf Gras of Bulls of Irish origin. In speaking of recent events, the Constitutionnel observes, “ We see everywhere in France the invisible | hand of Providence.” Our contemporary is, we admit, endowed with a good deal of penetration, and more than an average share of keen- | sightedness, but, his being able to “see everywhere” that which is “ wnvisible,” evinces an amount of visual power which we should not have given him credit for. When a writer begins an article by saying “ Nous voyons partoul | invisible,” &c. &c., we decline trusting our eyes any further in the perusal of his remarks, lest we should see something that is not to be seen, or lest in what our eye rests upon, we may be so unfortunate as to see nothing. When a writer _— seeing the invisible, the chances are, that he will proceed to utter some unutterable stuff, or to touch upon that which is not tangible, and we therefore | think it better to drop what he has let drop, by putting down the paper. Translation and Traduction: Some of the Handbooks to Paris are very good, but others, we think, err in carrying to excess the attempt to render the names of Parisian localities into our vernacular. For example, we have no objection to a writer who tries to make his reader feel at home by calling the Rue des Warais, Marsh Lane, or translating Rue d’Enfer into Holywell Street. Bat we consider that he goes too far in calling the Rae des Trois Cou- | ronnes, Filteen Shilling Street, terming the Rue de Malte, Beer Street, | or denoting the Avenue des Anes as Alderman’s Walk. This is what | Ophelia ealls; “ wearing your Rue with a difference.” An Axe-idental Joke. “ Wx met a fool in the forest” who had the audacity to ask us the following conundrum :— Why cannot the proprietor of this forest fell his own timber ?— Because no one is allowed to cut, when it’s his own deal.

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SertemBer 15, 1855.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVSRI. 105 THE ADULTERATOR’S ALPHABET. RUSSIAN VERSION OF THE QUEEN’S VISIT BY AN APPRENTICE OF THE LAUREL. TO PARIS. ’s the Moek Auction — go We borrow the following statement from the Javalide Russe -— buy, if you choose, The visit of Quzen Victoria and Paawce ALBERT to Louis Naroveon The trash palm’d upon you has proved a failure. The /¢¢es given to the BarrisH QueEN were very fy duffers and Jews. poor and mean affairs, strikingly manifesting the exhaustion to which B is the Baker, whose loaves the French nation bas been reduced by the impious war in which it is sell the faster engaged against the children of the Orthodox Church, and its Father, | When made up of alum, our august Sovereign. potatoes, and plaster. | The féte at the Hotel de Ville, given by the City of Paris at the dicta- C is the Clergyman—mind he tion of the Empgmor, surpassed in dulness and heaviness anything of doa’t mx the kind hitherto attempted. The Rue de Rigoli, and a portion of the His Rubric with Pusry’s or quays were decorated with some old which were mostly worn out Ciaphamite tricks. rical properties. The Place of the Hétel de Ville was stuck about . evist—the Lan- With a few smoky lamps enclosed in coloured paper. The vestibule was 77 i ° ““ hung with bunches of faded flowers, aud tapestry of the same descrip- How he poisons each drug, tia, behind which some bands were stationed, which played God Save and inereases your pains, *4¢ Queen, and Rude Britannia, out of tune, whilst the populace outside P . : sang Mar B ’s the Excise, that affixes “"y fow persous collected in lines between the Tuileries and /ote/ de

its locks— 7: : ae - . % Ville to see their Majesties. ‘They cried “ 4 bas /es Anglais!” and “ Vive But very queer mixtures are | 37,4, Cing !” theugh seme shouts of “ Vive la Rigpblieee !” were also | P made ia the docks. mingied with their imprecat ions. | F is the Fellow whose Furniture falls ' e Roya! personages were bissed all the way to Vincennes, and at To pieces as soon as it’s set round your walls. one of their visits to the Exhibition an oyster-shell was thrown at the | G is the Grocer—the rascal is he ae ma. Who puts sand in your sugar, and sticks in your tea. } eview in the Champ de Mars was a miserable demonstration. H ie the Hatter— bis hats (which you bet) tee ny * : ay ie defeats in the Crimea, could furnish | urn shamefully browm the first time t wet. ut a mere men for the oceasion. I isthe emer he’s a nice tena = a ae old Napougow, the Queen evinced uneasiness, aud | is deepest black j becomes mperor frow J page eee “be — sold yallow. EEN Victoria remarked, in the hearing of her Ally, that the display When you ’ve bought his sham gems neatly set in sham gold. a penance Te ey amen that exhibited every night at the | K is K.G., and a title dehased The fireworks prepared to cignalise the departure of her Britannic | Since Nick and Nurse Ax in the Chapel were graced Masesrty and the —— Consoxt from Boulogne refused to gu off, with | L isthe Laureate, who tenders us for song the exception of a few squibs. A lachrymose whine when we wanted a war-sorc. Lt is said that the Queen and the Empress more than once exchanged M is the Member, the place-hunting elf, angry words on some question of precedence. The former /ooked thin, | | Selling rubbish be’s no right to sell—that ’s himself. haggard, and sulky, the latter more than usually plain, and intensely | N is the Nurse who your suffering insults— disgusted. Who gives Goprrey to babies, and plunders adults. | The Qveen has sent a few sous for distribution among the poor of | O is the Omsibus ead, who deceives Paris. This parsimony is not to be wondered at, considering the sta'e | - - : ae of uational bankruptcy on which England is bordering, by reason of | Concerning his route, and who lets in the thieves. the War | P = a - oa in sin, . ‘ = = ith salt im his beer, with turps in his gin. Q ’s the Queen’s Government (that’s but a pirase) THE PRELIMINARIES OF PEACE, R he a their good no ten all kinds of ways. Prince Doteorouski, Prince of Cutthroats and Assassios—for does § the Romance writer, read with a -, ..,, he not adopt aud justify the Hango massacre ?—alirges, in one of his What ’s good he has prigg'd, and what ’s stupid’s his own. avowals of that atrocity, to which he has constituted himself accessory 8 hy penne —Taen ame me after the fact, that— ; t a bull or a is a low kind of brute. eae ; — ett 4 is the Tailor, who makes us all wroth . as gee af prey ie canianel dae by the phat ee do ee With his skunpimg bad fits, and lus rotten old cloth. How to get a flag of truce admitted and recognised by the Russian U is your Unele, the Usarer Por, : authorities is a question which will naturally oeewr to the Freneh or | And legalised cheating goes on at his shop. English Commanding Officer whe may desire to send ove to our mis- | V |is the Vintner, you trace, when you dine, creant enemy. l/s solution will not be difficult, In letting them know His crimes in the mess that is brought you for wine. that a flag of truce is coming, it is necessary to keep out of therr reach, | W 5 the Watchmaker nine times a week and the obv10us mode of Intamaliog to them the approach of one, wil His “ warrants” should bring up himself to the Beak. be, to precede the flag of truce with a discharge of shelis, at a long | X (with an ¢)’s the Excueqver, which axes range, piiched accurately into the midst of the murderous authorities. All sorts of unjust and irrational taxes. Y is a Yokel—when de meets your eyes, Look out—he ’s most likely a thief in disguise. The Navvy of Netherby. Z ’s Zapxiet, the quack who, with “Venus” and “ Mars,” Sm James Grawam, the otber day, turned the first sod of the | Didules Zanies, by lying reports from the stars. Silloth Railway. This was a navvy’s work to be sure; but the Right | Honourable Baronet could have condescended to a much more | ——————S : unworthy employment. Siewor Mazzint, Mr. Lavan, and Sia y CuagLes Napier, could mention much dirtier ,obs, of which the A Most Touching Proof. performance might be possible to Sin James Gaanam. } A jae who had weathered many swmmers at the sea-side, ——$_—_—___—— was accused of dyeing her hair, which is of a rich raven-black. She : } declared ia the most indignant manner, that there was not the slightest < Gent's VIEW OF A SEW BOSOVERT. s truth in the accusatioa—more than this, she generously offered to let mo is a new metal, closely resembling silver, a extracted any one examine her hair, to see how false it was! out of clay; and a relation, frum whom you easily extract large quanty . ‘ ties of silver, may be said to be a Brick made of the finest clay—that is, full of Aluminum.

Prosrscts oy THe Muu.—lf we may jndge of warfare by the analogy of pugilism, our arms wili very soon be triumphant—The Tae Last Yawxen Cay.— No English! no Irish! no Germans! no Russians come up groggy. Taxes! no Goverument ! no Babies '!—Kaow Nothing! !!

Ree rrnnmone i

ria et, Cale, all

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Se [Serremerr 15, 1855. { OtBSSES SS Pe SS - > SYMPATHY. Tailor (to considerable Customer), “ TRi¥LE THINNER THAN YOU was, Sir! TO sex You Back, Str! ‘Org you'Li. soon Get rour ’gaLtH, Sir! HEARD YOUR R&GIMENT HaD BEEN IN Action, Sin—YoOU MAY FANCY WHAT OUR! FEELINGS was, Sia!” A BOUQUET OF ROMAN CANDLES, THE ROMAN ROPE-WALE. Ix the city of Rome stands the Vatican ; And in it there lives a blind old man; And this blind old man is call’d the Pors, And he’s ever at work—a-twisting a rope ; And the rope, he thinks, is strong and tough ; And soon, he hopes, ’twill be long enough. But the work that rope will be put to, Is not the work it was woven to do. Pope after Pope, this many a-day, __ At that self-same rope has been working away. Round the girth of the world it was to have gone, Round eastle and cottage, round altar and throne. Drawing the souls and bodies of men, Back to the fold of Rome again. That rope was of priest-craft and pious fraud, Thick and threefold—big and broad : Suggestio falsi a strand supplied, With suppressio veri \aid to its side; Imposture and Ignorance both were wove in, And the priestly right of absolving from sin ; And lest its black colour should scare folks away, They run in a strand of Oxford grey ; In Jeeuit’s bark it was tann’d and dyed, And round St. Peren’s chair it was tied. Then to work all the force of Rome did fall— The Pore and the Conclave, and Priesthood all, By sea and land, and all abroad, They flung out their rope of lies and fraud. A few crazed consciences in they drew, And a nest of addled brains or two, But for aught beyond this they strove in vain— And the rope kept snapping at every strain. Yet to knot and splice that rotten old rope, Still toil the Cardinals, toils the Pore ; With foreign bayonets propt in their chairs, The blind old men keep splitting hairs, To strengthen a cord that was meant to draw A moving world ’neath Vatican law. GuiaD |! WHEN WE Let them weave, and weave, and make it strong, For its destined work ’twill be amply long— For the rope they weave—so a little bird sang— Is the rope folks have given, themselves to hang. OUR QUEEN AND OURSELVES. Tue Parisians were naturally very much puzzled at the dail announcement in the Momifeur that Queen Victoria had taken Lunc at one o'clock, and every one was fuli of curiosity to know the nature | of Le Lunch, to which Hen Masesty was so constantly devoted. At , length it seems to have struck all Paris—of a heap—that Le Lunch was | | instead of a rich intellectual draught, which a misprint for Le Punch, and the mystery was at once solved, for the | supposition became general among our French neighbours, that the | Queen set apart the hour of one every day for the perusal and study of — periodical. : e have authority—our own—for stating that this view of the sub- | ject is in exact accordance with the facts, and that those who have | ignorantly supposed Ze Punch to be a mere physical kind of é yay, drinoks in wit! appreciation and delight, are completely in error. No one is more sensible than Her Masesty of the force and value of a good example, and when it is known, through the medium of the whole European Press, that Queen Vicroria devotes the best period of the day to her | Punch, it is probable that other crowned heads may be induced to “improve the shining hour,” by a similar excellent use of it. King Bomba Rewarded. Tue Porn is about to give his Orders! On the Festival of the Nativity he will, it is said, found “ a new order of chivalry—the Order | of the Immaculate Conception.” The Kive or Naptes, it is widely reported, will receive the very first Order—and for this sufficient reason. | He will become a Knight of the Immaculate Conception, because as a | King, he is a potentate more easily conceived than Gesoribed. A Tuoveut waitst Smoxine.—Love is like a cigar—the longer it burns the less it becomes. - A LANSDOWNE TO THE RESCUE! Tue matter has appeared in print, as it ought ; and therefore Punch may make a note of a new act of goodness on the part of the good Lorp Lanspowng,—ever ready, open-handed, to give more than a cordial shake to the hand of genius. Frances Browne, the blind poctess, is permitted by the Government to make the experiment of a ivelihood on £50 a-year. Even this she owes to the sympathetic liberality of the late Sin Ropert Peer; and even this is not paid out of the miserable dole voted for the encouragement of science, literature and art. Lately Lonp Layspowne read a very sweet poem in the Atheneum written by |Frances Browne, ied It is come. His Lordship inquired into the worldly circumstances of the outwardly darkened poetess, and learned sufficient immediately to place at her disposal the sum of £100. A humane and noble act, but only worthy of the coronet of a Lanspownz. Mr. Punch especially be s the attention of the Eart or Asperpgen to this circumstance. If dal weighed in his equitable, in this his pleasant time of leisure, with all the freshening influences of country life about him, it may, perhaps, urge him to do a deed of conscience-money. For it cannot be other- wise than that the late Premier must now and then have a twinge of conscience, when he remembers that under his administration, no less than £1050 were diverted from the £1200 voted for science, art, and literature—leaving only £150 to be shared by Mr. KeicuT.er and the widow of the gifted, laborious Doctor Kitto. However, if we are compelled to give up ABERDEEN, let us hope that at the next distri- bution of the grant next year, Lonp Patmerstow will follow in the good work begun by good Lop Lanspowne. A FOUL COPY. | by Srm James Tue imitation of Pex in ony respect is - Uy lo ways differ from | Grauam to himself. It will notdo. Granam w Pest, in wanting the property of being candid.

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SUVIUS. Designed for that Enlightened Monarch, King Bomba. 4 1855. A MOUNT VI OF * Aff A, i Pe \ ; b 4 : 3S 77g fears il } 4 : 2 J i) m y Wiuaiie on ] “2 " . ie — f y. >. ¢ 4 yy Ny 54 ie 3 Ut = Ba. = ——— ae PY) I) = a mM, a i = TNR Yi) =~ VIO mT NN PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Seprewser 15. THE NEXT ERUPTION

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Serremper 15, 1855.) THE INDIAN CANDIDATES. It was stated in an Indian paper, that among the exercises proposed to Candidates at the late Exemimation, (which has fallen like a bomb- she!l among “ University reputations ” and other questionabilities) was , quaint device of Ser Geonee Sreruen’s. That ed personage conceived a eruel plan for testing the intimacy of a Candidate’s ac- yaaintance with history. This was, to propose to him an imaginary situation, in which real historical personages were placed, and from whieh he was to deduce the probable consequences. me only of Sir GeorGe’s problems have been given, ¢. 7. “ Suppose that Guy Fawkes had blown up Krxc James toe Frast and the Parliament, what would have been the effect, besides the bang?” and “Suppose Kine CaaRLes THE Finst Aad eseaped from Carisbrook Castle, what would CroMWELL have done, after hanging the guards?” But Mr. Punch, who takes great interest m all the educational processes of the day, applied to Six Georce Sreruen for the whole of the papers, with the Candidates’ answers; and these Sram Gzonee very poli supplied. For the benefit of future neophytes, (and especially for students of Trinity College, Dublin, which disgraced itself outrageously upon oecasion of this first endeavour to ascertain what its alwmm are for, not one 7. C. D. man succeeding), Mr. Puach has made a short selection from these suppositious eases and their i 1. An Oxford Man was asked, Suppose that the Spanish Armada had not been destroyed, and the Spaniards had seized London, what would have been the effect ? After dae consideration he replied, very neatly— The Spaniards, having deposed Kiyo Cuan.es THE Seconp, would probably have placed the Pretender, Cuartes Epwarp, upon the throne, with Fexeus M‘Tvor as his Viceroy, and wou'd have repealed the Habeas Corpus and the Bill of Rights, and revoked the Abolition of the Slave Trade, for which they were infamously eelebrated. They would naturally have proclaimed the Romana Catholic religion, and the horrors of the Inquisition would have succeeded those of JupGe Jerrrres and Lorp Monmovutn’s assizes. /@ victis / 2. A Cambridge man was asked, Had Ricuarp CromweEL. resembied his father, what course would he have adopted on the death of the latter ? | His reply was— He would have taken prompt and unhesitating steps to secure his| power. Reealling Cravernovuse from Scotland, he would have en- trusted the English army to that skilful but ruthless leader, and, placing a garrison in the Tower, under the command of the veteran, Loxp FALKLAND, he would have dispatched a fleet, led by Buake and Drakg, | to assail the ports of France, whose Regent, D'Or eans, enfeebied by | pleasure, could not have successfully opposed British valour. He would | thus have had leisure to put down the intrigues of WaLrote at home, and to baffle the philosophic but atheistic Botiscsaoxe, afterwards | Henry THE Fourru. 3. A student from Dublin was asked, Had the ring given by Queen Exszapetu to Lonp Essex been | re-delivered to her,when he was under sentence, would it have | saved his life ?, His answer (deducting the brogue) was— _The faymale heart is‘imminently ible, and the soight of the ring moight have revoived impressions which niver before existed in| the bosom of the Virgin Queen. Im the beautiful terrums employed by | Horace. Humano capiti cervicem, she would have !memanely preserved his head. But the deep imsults the misereant traithor had lavished upon unbappy Oireland made that felon head a grateful offering at the shroine of outraged nationality, and the leebation of his heart’s blood at — foot of the tree of liberty projuced a harvest of unadulterated loyalty. 4. A London University Man was asked, Suppose the elder Prrr, “that terrible cornet of horse,” had been “muzzled,” as the Court desired, what result would have been avoided ? He meditated for a considerable time, and then said— | Perhaps he wouldn’t bave had the gout, translated Vrrew, or fought | 4 duel with Mra. Trerwey. Also, there might not have been that} statue of him in Hanover Square, or the picture of his falling into the arms of Lorp Lynpuvast, in the House of Lords. 5. A young Barrister in the Temple was asked, Suppose that when the thieves were stealing the Great Seal from the house of Lonp Cuancetion Tuvaiow, in Great Ormond | Street, he had jumped out of bed and caught them, what pro- ceedings would bis lordship have instituted ? —.. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. | #2 pase the duly qualified in ’ 109 He promptly answered— The question is a difficult one. The seal iss part or portion, as it | were, of the Court of Chancery, which is inchoate and incomplete with- | out it; and therefore, if the article had been conveyed from the premises, an injunction to restrain the thieves from going away could not have issued. I imagine that it would be held demurrable to treat the seal as if it were a marine animal of the same name, or else, a seal being unre- claimed, and of /ere natura, an action of trespass upon the case in which it was kept would be the right course. But on the whole, I should have advised Lory Tuuriow to lock the fellows up in the cellar, and baw! for the police. 6. A Youth from Glasgow was asked, Had Krve Epwanp tre Frast died of the wound from which | his Consort, Queen Eieanor, sucked the poison, what would have been the consequence ? He instantly responded— I dina’ preceesely recal the ceercomstaunces, but I just ken this consequence, that, live or die, | wadna have paid the useless doctors ae single bawbee. EMIGRATION OF THE LAWYERS. Tue Bench and the Bar may be said to be at t on their annmal Continental cireuit, and in the majority of | motions, the venue is laid in Italy, France, or Switzerland, Several judges may be found sitting in banco under the verandahs of Italian hotels, and various members of the Bar are asking in vain for a rule to show cause, why there should not be an order to tax the bill of some exorbitant Swiss landlord. Our learned friend, Bareruess, has converted his blue into a sac de nuit, and was much hurt at beimg asked at the Frenc custom-house, if he had “ nothing to declare,” which he regarded as a satirical allusion to his not having much to do in the way of drawing declarations. When we last beard of him he had just attained a v considerable eminence—geographically speaking—and was looking back on the Jura Mountains, which he had jast , when with excusable emotion, he burst into a strain of eloquence, characteristically com- mencing with the words “Gentlemen of the Jura.” He has since been heard to observe, that the difficulty of the pass would be altogether removed, if the parties on both sides wou ft cxnaat to have a Jura withdrawn. E THE LITERATURE OF THE TOILET. Ow reading the subjoined extract from Le Follet, some people will be inclined to think that the journal so called deserves its name :— “The month of September is an epoch in fashion, and also in the custome of the beau monde. \n September we must begin to renounce the zephyr dresses of summer | the grenadines, the musiing—those light materials we have worn with so much | pleasure —for taffetas d’ Italie, moires ; in & word, for tissues more solid and comfortable.” Our finieal contemporary talks, in a tone of regret, of renouncing the grenadines and muslins which it, and the ladies, “ have worn with so much pleasure,” although it says that they are going to “ renounce ” these tissues for others which are more comfortable, and which they will, therefore, have still greater e in wearing. Of course, the fair readers of the Follet donot ce to comfort. Surely they cannot derive the vivid pleasure it alludes to from the mere circumstance of being decorated with the specified tissnes, with which they adorn Semon, not for their own gratification, but for the delight of their oidaers, Sphere of Usefulness for Lords Spiritual. Ir appears that a visitor to the British Museum cannot be permitted to see the Library there without an order, to be obtained only by appli- eation to the Ancupisnor oy Caytersury, the Bisuor or Lonpvon, or some one or other of the directors. Considering the meomes which the above-named prelates enjoy for domg a by no means proportionate amount of service, net to say work, it not be as well if they were to take turns of attendimg at the Musewm Library door to examine seants tor ission as to their moral fitness for the privilege, and Retributive. Sra James Gran opened letters that were private, though not so marked. Sr Cuances Nariee prints letters, im defiance of “ the vate” written thereon by the late or THe Apmimatty. We co that Sie James expresses himself as perfectly shocked at Sin CHARLEs ! Aw Unreconpep Cussosrty or Lowpon.—The great pillar of the Stock Exchange is Banos Roruscuip; and yet, strange to say, this pillar is all Capital '

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THEATRICALS. We are anthorised to correct a false statement that, with the inhe- rent lightness of falsehood, has been | very generally circulated, with re- | spect to two interesting young ladies, | from whose united services the medern drama may hope for consider- able advantage. An enlightened | public is already in possession of the fac t, that os ae of :~ Theatre Royal Drury Lane is in happ | session of two sisters of the om Coast, bound together by a familyjtie similar to that which united the Siamese Twins. The young ladies are very young, but full of talent, having executed a song before the magistrate of Bow Street, who at once a? that they were Afri mplimented them on their habits a sobriety, in lustrous contradistinction to the confirmed drunkenness of the English. How- ever, our present object is to give the denial to a a and, we will add, malicious rumo We believe it is comely known, that a drama is in course of prepa- ration for these interesting strangers; one drama; as, it is Fy from their configuration not even for the manager's tench, can they appear in two pieces. The piece— the title has somehow oozed out—is } PUNCH, OR TH E LONDON CHARIVARI. THE BEST PREVENTIVE AGAINST SEA SICKNESS. WaHw you cross THz CHANNEL, ESPECIALLY IF IT SHOULD BE Browne Harp, “ Keer your Pecker vr,” (aS THAT AGREEABLE RATTLE, YOUNG FIPPsON, CALLS IT,) BY MAKING A Hearty Meat aT THE Sarr oR Pavitioy, PN: 7 W/ MN, WI dtr, —> 7 — —— mui iii 4 a Vi ut | i : [Serremar 15, 1855. to be called The Guinea Sides and will illustrate the most striking points of African history. There will be a real bamboo throne; and Mr. Gorpow Commane has, in the hand- somest manner, offered to superin- tend the dra -~—¢4 of ae lions’ skins. . a ele _ also been en- all oo blacks retained = ‘ll the London docks. In- deed, no expense will be spared in order that the reality of the spectacle may be eomplete ; the real in the fur- niture of the play being, of course, in every way superior to the ideal in the player. We now hasten to deny a very foolish, if not a very malicious report. It has, then, been stated that, stimu- lated by professional envy, the Cor. | sican Brothers have expressed a de- termination to appeal to Chancery for an injunction against The Guinea | Sisters. We pity the mind that, for a moment, gives credence to such tiness. hat ! Is there not room r all? Is it probable that, in a | + = so favourable to the deve- | omens of our most ay im- | pulses—so exalting to t er as- pirations of our nature, as that of the | stage, that Corsican Brothers could, | for an instant, feel anything below | the most generous emulation of | Guinea Sisters! As we have asked | before—is there not room enough | for all ? Anp once on Board, rrx your Eves vpow some Distant Onvecr, aND aDart THE Movements or rour Bopr ro tuz RoLLING oF THE VESSEL, AND THE RESULT WILL PROBABLY BE, 4S ON THE PAGE OPPOSITE. e

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— Serremege 15, 1855.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 111 ). md THE BOSTON BABY SHOW. WANTED, THE “VAN.” ing - rill After Texsyson. l'ne Betting-House scoundrels are making another attempt upon tr. | went to our Gardens, CLaupz, when the Boston babies were shown the forbearance of the police. They are working a system of “lists,” nd- | went to our Gardens, CLaups, to criticise beauty and bone ; ’ which, according to the Sunday Times, is a change of the old system in rin And my eheerless bachelor lot I abhorr’d, and long’d to have one of O° Tespect only. Money is still staked, but no tickets are produced— ins. my own. except, we suppose, the tickets-of-leave, which are carried by most of me the betting-house fraternity. The Sunday Times reluctantly warns its ned The Royal Harmonics I heard on the flute, violin, bassoon ; friends that “an open transgression of the law cannot in any case be In- Each gay little Mammy-boy coo’d like a bird, while its Mammy humm’d defended.” Having preluded, in a wonderful sentence which we dare i in itatune; — not pretend to Goestenese,, Sat “ however oppressive and unjust may ucle Each infant to nourishment never demurr’d, with cheeks like a harvest be the restraints which legislators in their wisdom may place upon the fur- moon. liberty ede aongre y= wapopaler aay be their enactments and a , in : ; ; inquisitorial their statutes, that love of order and respect of the law, the ey my = a handred and one, with their charges, sat in array, which are supposed to be inbred and involuntary — Ps Rove j ut _ ee ACKSON reign’d not alone as the “ Paerrixst Gra cummins thee cages, beenase it is known that they will be carri : e ; . with vigour,” journal advises “ circum tion,” for “ however : | Pull ee voters bow’d at her throne, while half to her charms unpleasant the fact may sound to ears polite, they (the ears) are under | mu- ay, ‘ the eye of the | ae Con. For the — from a stone or the veriest crone Brtew Baincemay We should to see a policeman with polite ears under his eye, a w steal away. especially as it appears to be his duty to carry out Englishmen with | : for Then I said to Jon Mawer, “Now Joz—here goes, I'll bet you a “Soar—carry them out of the betting houses, we suppose. But if | : a bottle of wiae, , nothing worse than eccentric grammar were in question, we should not | : ‘for Oat of all his fat rivals im all these rows, yout Witre will take the Presume to interfere—a journalist knows what kind of composition is | } ach ching - ey as Y to the elass he addresses. We, however, protest against 0m From the bridge of bis nose to the tip of his toes, he’s the ‘Fivesr **Y kind of expressed or implied toleration being extended, by any i 6 Bor’ of the fine.” ° portion of the press, to the betting scoundrels, upon whom we trust | eve- : the police will not keep their eyes long, inasmuch as under Sra ALEx- | fin Aud the sight of the twin Rays stirr’d the blood of Ma. Manacen anper Cocksvry’s admirable Act, the duty of watching the rascals > ane SmaLt, may be expeditiously transferred to the keepers of Hex Maszsry’s | . ‘the So a three-guinea special prize, he stood, for he bow’d to the public’s gaols. ald, ; — low | Bat Ex1zapatH ANN was the tenderest bud,—the “8S st Baby” ; me of all. nes , QUEER OBJECTS OF CHARITY. | | — Then Mantua Bewtos so chubby and neat, won the “Heaviest T® Widows and Orphans of the Clergy ean hardly be the sort of ug Basy ” prize; people they are generally supposed, if the following remarks of the Twill be many a month ere she “feels her feet,” if her mild-locking “orming ost, commenting on the “ Festival of the Three Choirs,” are —--- mother’s wise : correct For such cherubs a roll on the floor is meet, or a go-cart Paradise. “ Most proper it is that there should be a fund for the Widows and Orphans of | , r Clergymen, but is it not a roundabout way of raising it to spend £2,668 in pleasure in ~CEEN Rose of the rose-bud garden of girls, of the “ Prettiest order to give £900 in charity? Does it not show that, after all, the real object is not Basres.” A | appreciated? Would not nearly the same people have gone to the same festival had | oe - the collection been for a totally opposite object—say, for the prevention of cruelty to / Proud SrrisBy need grudge not the ocean its pearis, to compare with animais, or the promotion of teetotalism. Lovlse it has none ; The heir of a hundred Plantagenet earls might deem thee fi: bride for Perhaps they would; but are not the prevention of cruelty to animals / his son. and the promotion of teetotalism objects more ——- opposite to = ' . the sale of spirituous liquors and the amusement of dog fighting than Well way Ma. pas talk large of this treat, since he mark’d seven to the sustenance and relief of Clergymen’s Widows and Orphans? Is — __, thousand head, there any opposition between the Widows’ and Orphans’ benefit and — Of visitors, passing his check-taker’s seat,—and oh! when I got to bed, the cause of temperance and humanity? Are the relicts and fatherless _—- On baby-touches so soft. and sweet my slumbering fancy fed, children of the Clergy particularly given to gin and ratting?’ Surely — And | dreamt till morn of their fat little feet, and dimples of white and our aristocratic contemporary could not have said a severer thing of — red. the abandoned wives and children of the mobility. TESTIMONIALS WANTED. Tue sound men and true of Sheffield are about to embody their RE admiration of their out-speaking member, Agtucx Roxesucn, in a Testimonial. We are glad of it. Were they to bestow upon him another Koh-i-noor, it would only typify, in its unflawed purity, the high imtegrity of the senator and the man. ’ But this is the vaeation, and are there not other members of Parlia- | ment with claims to testimonials, very significant of their services and merits’ Shall nothing be bestowed apon Ma. Giapstone, in comme- moration of his oratorical aid to Russia? Old ReciomonTasvus once made a fly, so exquisitely constructed that it would use its wings, make circles, and buza Why should not Oxford offer a premium for a me- : chanical spider, with eight diamond eyes, the spider always carrying eight that, politician-like, he may keep a sharp look-out for all sides ; a spider that will spin the finest gossamer, every line of film nicely balancing the other? Or, if this mechanical achievement be impossible, why not present to the Ex-Cuancetson oF THE Excuzquen a full grown chameleon ?—a logician, poetically said to live on air, and a & politician by no means warranted of fast colours ? As it is very probable that Ma. Jonw Batonr is at Rhyl, North Wales, and as he must, on the early fall of Sebastopol, write another letter from the seaside to Manchester, in condemnation of the wickedaess of the bombardment, we think a bran new pen from the wing of a Russian eagle could not fail to assist him, even in his best rN = moments of inspiration. eee Ta apneqvessamnnanaaas’® = —— % W A Connesronpert wants to know, whether, considering the great THE RESULT! utility of the ocean, poets are not wrong to call it “a waste of water!”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Surrempen 15, 18565. 7 SUICIDE BY STATUTE. Tux new Health of Towns Act is a capital Act, |of its clauses seems to contemplate the infliction punishment. In speaking of a place mjurious to health, the legislatare has it “unlawfal to live im it,” and therefore the onl course will be to die in it as soon as possible. W be glad to have the opinion of the law of t on the point, whether in a place where it is “unlawful to live,” and consequently obli —under the Act 2 H KIONCYE => die, suicide will cease to be a crime, and —M4ITH K 2 , = s SLLOWE! should be gratified, also, to be [ os a iE whose existence is declared unlawful “yy all ~~ { =) ee executed according to law; or whether im the event of their not perishin their own when it becomes 7 ster Eira A may i ir own executors or executioners. We presume although there may be some places in which it will be “unlawful to live,” it will always be lawful to “ bang out,” in a sense more literal than agreeable. ALEXANDER’S MASKED BALL. ma OS 4 ~ oy irits of his bine “4 | qu mm order to recruit subjects, by | way of compensation for the ae which they are daily | compelled to afford his army. We have not been furnished | with a programme of any one of the entertainments ; but we sup that the celebrated Dance , | upon model of Hotzsr’s work, would be a principal | feature of them. The to be te and | characteristic, should inel a masked battery, which, ing the fiddles, might play upon bis Russian jesiolrg ome merle TOY, 9 Sram Dene tres be | com occasion, eorouskr and GortscHaKorr, wa, all the flower of Rasen chivalry, in the character and costume of Ojibbeway Indians. These masquerades will not deceive Earope. Russia threw off the mask when she invaded the Principalities, and wil! PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE. | ot m0 guee by sues Soom “ And breathe short-winded accents of new BROILS.” Procrastrsation.—It is with our Li —— Henry IV. Part 1, Acti, Scene 1. | our dishes—to-morrow is but too often the hash of to-day. “THAT FELL SERJEANT,” ADAMS! | THEN MUST THE JEW BE MERCIFUL. “ ” one A near compliment has, all unwillingly, all unconsciously, been paid | a)", a fae ee ee eee — Ss to the undaunted, unbending integrity of Semsgant Apams. To be ever that the Animals’ Friend Society have discovered that the mode | sure, the eulogist does not hold a very high position in the world: and j., which the Jews put to death the creatures they eat is especially bar- —the pillory being abolished—may never achieve the elevation that, in }a-ons and the law is invoked to put a stop to the system, under whic: | other times, might have rewarded him. In a word, Jou Jacons, the | it jg alleged that a poor ox is a quarter ofan hour in dying. Time ha | eulogist of the Serjeant is, in the stern English of the police-reporter, | een given to the Jews to get up their defence, their advocate intimatins | “a well-known Jew thief and burglar.” Nevertheless, even a Jew thiel that * their religious liberties might be involved in the question.” We may be capable of fine appreciation of character, and truth—to his own trust it will be found that they are not, and that a Jew may be as fre: astonishment—may >. out from the lips of a burglar. | as possible, without the necessity of his torturing beasts to show lh: Mr. Inowam, the magistrate, proposed to send Jony Jacons to | liberty. Anyhow, such practices must be abandoned, the rabbi mus’ Clerkenwell to be tried. Joan Jacons had strong objections to such a | be merciful to the rabbit, and however little else a Jew may stick a, movement. The earnest burglar observed, “I would rather not go | he must stick at a sheep with humane itude. Surely those wi before Serszant Apams.” fic repeated his objection ; and at last | were divinely forbidden even to “ muzzle ox that treadeth out the omaieny declared, that “old Apams would convict his own on —! misreed ony I~ which they imagine —' them ws kil mother.” him by inches. “ We expect a answer, gentlemen of the Surely “this is more than Greek, and more than Roman fame!” We | Hebrew persuasion.” wee —— a his = son; and we ee ee at college—how very stoically sons do sometimes sacrifice their own | ippant fathers; but for a Serjeant to within him all filial risings, to | Sadly Fi put down the Aysterica passio, and convict his maternal parent, is the| 4 “CAL newspaper says, very martyrdom of duty! fae. spatuanas at | Darton on ae which sping mach jinterest | We earnest! the subject to Academician Warp. It would a — Ai make a fine bene pm would be an illustrative and enduring memorial | A heartless and disrespectfal wretch, whom Mr. P unch instant! of the judicial inflexibility of Sensgant ADAMS as avouched by burglar | kicked out of his office, remarked, on reading the paragraph, “ What + Jacoss. We leave the treatment of the subject in the hands of the | fuss to make about five more than ordinary.”, ainter, eds a ulating ny the Ray moe in op pun, of ACOBS , looking straight at t rjeant—straight as the crow- bar flies. This is due to the thief and housebreaker as the proposer of Our Foreign Relations. the subject. We are all familiar with the pltare— Clie? Justice EnGianp and France have turned pawnbrokers in favour of Turkev Gascoigne commits the Prince of Wales ; bat how poor the theme to | offering to lend it ‘so many millions upon such and such security. I» that of —Mr. Serjeant Adams convicts his own Mother ; Mx. Joux Hvm-| honour of this monetary alliance, we should not be at all ished, if, rugeyYs Parry, with all his horse-hair on end, vainly striving to move for the future, nme Mont de Piété in Paris, and every pawnbroker'’s 2 in arrest of judgment ! | London, were to take for its sign,—e Taste Cordiale. Printed by Wiliam Brad’ of No. 13, Upper Wobarn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 1°, Qo-rn’s Road Weat, Regeot’s Park, both in the Parish of Se. Pancra, Printers, at their in Lombard Street, in the Presinet of Whiteiriars, m the © y of Load: s, amd Published by them a: No. &, Fleet Street, im the Parish Leadon.—Sarvapar, September 15, 1855.

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Beses ||* | sie re =E° widaz Be E s, by daily ished ; but nged cipal > and rhich, [ssian ld be Dot 1ssian dians. threw d will s wit! -day. ut one , how: } mode ly bar- shiah ne has mating We as fret ow his i must ick a, se wii out the | to ki of the rterest |" ystan! WwW hat 4 Serpremser 22, 1855. } PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE ROUND HAT. . When it is all very well. 2. When it is objectionable 3. When the Police ought to interfere. = THE ROYAL ROAD THROUGH ST. JAMES’S PARK, Scene—A Castle in the Scottish Highlands, An Itustaiovs Pair at Breakfast Il. Lady (throwing down the Times). How very provoking! Il. Consort (pausing in the middle of a venison pasty). Hern ? La, Where do you think, Papa, those, stupid men propose making the new road across St. James’s Park ? Cons. Mamma, I cannot conceive how they could possibly take a wrong direction. La, Would you believe it ?—they are actually going to cut the Park in two by a road to lead from Birdcage Walk right through the Gardens to a point between St. James’s Palace and Mariborough House ! Cons. Bat they will have the ornamental water in their way. Aha! La. They are going to throw a bridge over that. Fancy! Cons. What! cut up those beautiful gardens, disturb their quiet, disfigure them with a great unsightly bridge? Ob, what terrible want of taste and judgment to create a nuisance and establish an eyesore in that delightful spot ! La. So needlessly, too, since the proper line for the new road is obvious. Cons. In front of Buckingham Palace, of course ? La. Undoubtedly. The railing would keep the traffic sufficiently far from the Palace, and the sight without the noise would be agreeable. Cons. 1 like the sight of the noble British Public. La. 1 should think you did—the dear, generous Public! Such a good, kind, delightful Public as that!—to have one of its favourite mee of resort spoiled! Oh! I’ve no patience with that stupid board. Cons. The board must be a wooden board. La. (remonstratively). On! But it’s too serious a matter for joking. What will our friends over the water think of such a barbarism ? What will Napotgon say the next time he comes? Fancy anybody proposing to him to bisect—isn’t that the word ?—the Place de la Concorde ! Cons. He would probably bisect the booby for his pains. La, Well—this thing must not be. Only think how happily we are | Situated in comparison with our friend whose name 1 mentioned just It sticks at nobody and sticks at nothing! 113 AN UNWARRANTABLE AFFAIR. Can this be true ? “We have now found out that Policeman Hicks, of Roydon, had no warrant or summons when he took us before Ma, Hemmina, on Thursday the 9th of August: we thought that the piece of paper which he produced at the time was one, But in consequence of the state | ments which appeared in the newspapers, the chief constable for the county of Essex, Carram M'Heapy, sent to the superintendent of police at Epping, Mu. Goowim, on Saturday, the 25th of August, to know if there was 4 warrant issued for Policeman Hicks to take us before the Rev. Ma. Hewmi~e on the 9th of August, when be, Ma. Gopwis, went to the Rev. Ma. Hemaiwe at Parndon, on Sunday the 26th of August, and got from him a warrant, dated the 7th of August, which he sent to Chelmsford to Carraiw M‘Haapy, thereby deceiving him, and making him believe that all was done regularly, which turns out now not to have been the case,” The above is the statement of Tuomas Contin. Surely it is not understood rightly if it appear to represent Mu. Hem™inG us making out a warrant on the 26th August and dating it on the 7th, in order to assist the superin- tendent of police in deceiving bis chief. We know that Mr. Hemmine committed the Cotiins; nevertheless, we should think he would have been afraid to commit a written act—which we forbear to denominate. Nos Poma Natamus. Tue Times’ critic states, that at the dance with which the cider aristocracy of Hereford finished their musical festival, great, and in fact, impertinent precautions were taken to exclude a Reporter from the floor, This showed prudence, if not manners ; for the conversation of the class in question can scarcely be up to reporting mark, if it be true that one of the Ladies Patronesses thought it was “very low” to give Manto “a song about Cider.” Her hearers were puzzled, but at last, an unusually acute short-haired Here- ford discovered that the accomplished lady had been puzzling over the programme, on which was (a little carelessly printed), thus—“ La cidar em lo mano,” Notice to Martners.—By an order from his Imprntat Masesty, Avexanper Tae Seconp, the Harbour of Sebas- topol has been constituted a Sink Port. now, and otbers—all our headwork done for us—no trouble beyond a little ceremony—wanting no gratification that an opulent natioa can bestow—we, surrounded with every comfort and convenience, must not allow of any interference with the pleasure and enjoyment of our Public. We can do no wrong, ourselves; and we won't, if we can help it, let others do it. Cons. A thoroughfare in front of the Palace would be so much pleasanter. How pleased | should be if yonder road, which winds so far around our dwelling, could be brought within a shorter distance of our windows. What finer figure in a princely landscape than a picturesque peasantry ” La. Spoken with that feeling for the Fine Arts for which you are celebrated. Well, as [ said, we must put a stop to this. Pray write instantly to Sra BenJsamin, and tell him we say so, Cons, 1 will, mine love, so soon as ever I have done my breakfast. Holy Russian Fire. Gortscuakor? calls the fire sustained by the wretches under his command at Sebastopol a/eu d’ Enfer. What was the fire which the Russian miscreants poured on the l'urkish fleet at Sinope? What does Goartscnakorr eall the fire which his murderous countrymen directed at LiguTenant Geweste’s crew, and their flag of truce? Probably the Russian gunpowder does not smell of brimstone. Feu de Ciel, we suppose, is what Gortscuakorr denominates the fire of his angels. THE RIGHT DUKE DOING THE RIGHT WORK. Tue Doxe or Nortnumper.taxD is making noble amends for his Admiralty mistakes. We learn that he is expending £50,000 a year on new cottages, farm-houses, draining, and so forth. Long may his Grace remain out of the Admiralty to serve his country ! THE STICK’S PROGRESS. Tue stick continues to make wonderful progress throughout Naples. VOL. XXIx. N neath erm oS te — ——

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OR THE PUNCH, CALISTHENICS OF COMMON LIFE. INCERELY do we invite the all our fair re not afflicted with paralysis of lower extremities, tion of the wearing weighing twenty stone, being silly but about, indolent exertion, LON] 99 ams YON RIVARI. ( SEPTEMBER 1855. nay, eruptions; in fact, not to mince the mat- ter, breakings-out and pimples, consequent on inaction of the skin. The museles lose their tone from disuse ; and the figure, no longer braced by their action, bulges and falls away; besides which, it often becomes deformed by the calamity of fat. The ligaments of the jomts relax from the the ankles thicken and swell, and, the tarsal arch giving way, the feet spread out, and expand i nto slabs, in form and dimensions resem. fire-shovels and flat-irons. atten adders not not not and unfit to go being, perhaps, % indisposed t the subj same Cause, a wooden leg, hg and to ned paragraph, extracted fron columns of a fashionable temporary :— A Peurstwe Accom pedestrian, M A fema'« MeLaoss, Neath the ast nishing fe of 1k X ET oe ing 500 half-miles in juarter-tmil The event car green near the r sence of and 50« hours the pre pers ne [t is sired ti re@ail sarcast) ment nine body, mouth whieh was made for other purposes. ‘ua ba f our female ‘friends and relatives; but that of zh. For, in that case, the blood stagnates, and all manner of poorliness, besides the more ig complexion. This dreadful misfortune nF enou disa THE CANT OF SQUARETOES Siandard, in replying to the question, bserves that— * Where are our rreat men ave asked for, the inquirer is referred to the names of Farapay Bevowe., and other masters of science ; the materialiam of hard fact seded the imaginative faculties, and wisdom given place to mere y supe nee the Britons wore coats of paint, and no pantaloons of lid the superhuman wisdom, of which our Liverpool ary speaks, exist im these islands? We can think of no of the wisdom of our ancestors more nearly divine than that of | dramatic author to whom our Allies apply the epithet in wder the name of WILLIAMS; meaning SHAksPEARE. At eARE has probably more readers than he ever had, at le ast, has not given place to any inferior description We do not get a SHAKSPE ARE, as we do not kill a pig, lay; and the same remark, with still more propriety, perhaps, in opinion of many, may be applied to Bacon. Now, Bac on’s philo- y is precisely the basis on which modern science is cultivate d, and ng thereon such men as Faranay discover facts instead of ve fallacies; but is it not a considerable advantage that the facts, whether hard or otherwise, has thus superseded er unreality of the imaginative faculties ? empt the search of truth by the imagination, instead of ve and reasoning powers, is rather characteristic of a han a great man. What the old Eldonite writer in the S/andard probably means in complaining that the present age is deticient in great men is, that there are few minds among us whieb predominate over the general mind; but this cireumstance may be owing not so much to the seareity of great men, as to the circumstance that solemn prosers and pompous mouthers do not now make that im- pression on the public which they made in the good old times, and would still, perhaps, if they had any scope for their genius, make upon himself terial, SITAKSI 3 wisd OW led re. cept , The Manchester Bells. read with satisfaction that on the arriva! of the news of the Fall of Sebastopol peals of bells were rung from the Churches of Manchester. I Man School bell, however, was tolled by the Manchester sin a slow and solemn manner, sounding a knell. Wer hester SCO accom pushmer of course, it carried to the extent of walking a match, farther than to Chi » beh lds yonng lady accompanying the pedestrian feat by that of pic Five hundred hailf- hours, may be rather too great a distance, in proportion to the time, as many yards in as many days,— t of walking exercise in the open air, which is not exceeded by a great many of them and is insufficiently greeanie is aggravated by disc \ BISHOP MADE EASY. s proposed to split the see of Exeter into make a new bishopric of one of the name of Cornwall. The Bisno nsents to the partition, which ma nderfal; but the endowment of the new to be provided by the ty of the Rev. De. Wauxezr, and it is not designed vide the income as well as the dioc WALKER is the rector and patror Major, of which benefice, wor'! he offers to resign the incumbency giving up his own living to suy CORNWALL with am aintenance i also to give the Bishe pa I I m, and two other houses, for canons. Thus Da. Watxer precludes a pun that might other wise be committed against episcopal extension, in the shape of an objection that we are too much in want just now of mortars and Lancaster guns to be able to think of affording more bishops and canons. performed | | : ape ia t liberal but a wr up in lor the era A. consequence INSCRIPTION FOR A GERMAN Stabling for Nightmares.’ A SERGEANT’S SILK HANDKERCHIEF. Tuere lives in the little village of Brentwood, a sergeant retired from the 7th Fusileers, by name Tuomas Everett, illustrated in the Crimean War with five wounds, and the loss of one eye. A mighty hunter of Russi ans was Tuomas Everett; having, it is said, bagged fifty of the chil tre n of the Czar,—the miserable little ones!’ At t! Almaa shot whistled through Tomas Everetr’ s ear, whispering danger private and confidential. A bayonet went through his arm in a sortie ; and, by way of variety, Tuomas Everett enjoyed a ball on the san evening through the hip. A cannon-shot made so near an acquaintance with one of his feet, that it delicately removed the sole of a shoe. Tw of his comrades were taken into Sebastopol prisoners, but Tnomas Everett stole into the city at night, shot the sentry who guarded them, and returned with his rescued friends. Great, heroic have been the deeds of Tuomas Everett; and great, magnificent has been his reward, ‘or—but the theme calls for a new paragraph. For Tuomas Everett has received a silk handkerchief hemmed by Her Masesty! How much heroism, how much devotion may be covered by or re silk handkerchief! The gallant fellow is, of course, delighted— prou i of the prese ~\ Wi e think he ought to be permitted, on Sundays and holidays, to hoist that handkerchief as his own peculiar flag, on his own staff before his own cottage-door. How, streaming to the wind, a gather around it all the youthful rusties, firing their hlood wit a sense of glory; and kindling their hopes that, for only the loss of one eye, the inconvenience of five wounds, with deeds of prowess numerous to particularise, they too might hope, some day, to obtain 4 silk handkerchief! Of course, Tuomas Everett, sergeant, receives 4 pension. But wherefore has he not been promoted to the rank, at least, of ensign ? least the silk handkerchief might have wrapped up &@ Com is610n. e toc The Bane and the Antidote. Ir seems, after all, that the greatest adulteration of milk is with water. But it is a question, with what kind of water? If it is wit) Thames’ water, there cannot well be a worse kind of adulteration, aga'mst which chalk itself would be a thousand times preferable. In fact, the chalk oo id be prudently reserved as an antidote against the hane ot drinking the Thames’ water, for we all know that Chalk Mixture 1s repeatedly administered i in violent cases of cholera.

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tt nat- vone Thus ther- 10n ’ i MK aster more is toc tam 4 ives 4 nk, al apped I Serremser 22, 1855.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON THE CAMPBELL MASSACRE. ne Massacre of Glen- \ — coe is avenged! —) AE 3\ Exe has been — A ef; k down upon Camp Bit 4 BELL. Henceforth j/\4 {| Jet that unpleasant “) page in the history of our deliverance from Popery, slavery, wooden shoes, and other comforts, be held to be balanced. At Elgin,on the Lith of September, 1855 (the date is as memorable as 1691), a banquet was given, ostensi- the 9th of May, | CHARIVARI. 115 Then welcome be Russia's hordes to the shock, Let them dash their proad foam like a wave on the rock Hut woe to their kindred, and woe to their cause, When Albyn her claymore indignantly draws And, brutally repeating, not the’ lines of the poet, but the stab at his intellect, proceeded,— “ Though my perishing ranks should be strew'd in their gore, Like ocean weeds heap'd on the surf-beaten shore, I, untainted hy flight or by chains, While the kindling of life ia my besom remains, Shall victor exult, or in death be laid low, With my back to the field, and my feet to the foe ; And leaving in battle no blood om my name, Look proud!y to heaven from the death-bed of fame.” The felonious ferocity of that last wound at poor Camr- BELL. can scarcely be exceeded. It finished him, and he was heard of no more. But we understand that such was the determined fury of the slaughterer, that had this not been enough, he meant to have concluded the awful deed as follows :— “Ha! laugh’st thoa, Privce Gortacnaxory, my vision to seorn, Proud double-headed eagle, shy wing shall be torn, Becanse a darker spectacie is near, The war drum is beating, and black is your fear, on his About suspecting bly to entertain | my Sit) Bat enough of such melancholy turpitude, Let us on! i2ORGE - his native country. | sion ae so Accurst be the ashes that glow at thy feet, Tis Sebastopol’s ruina, pow quite complete.” Brows | linger on it long enough to say that, ite the similarity return tO | of names and of style, the gentleman who upon this occa 3 a familiarity with the trea- poetry, was not our own J.G. Scotland may be 250 =a | sures 0 Seotch proud—she has two sons who can appreciate verse, Cir people sat down, and two suspicious circumstances occurred—one, according to the | cumstances would have i brought our own J. G. much Inverness Courier, being that the supply of waiters was very deficient, and the other, | nearer to the text. He would have said— according to all the reports, that t ; e gallant Sim G. B. talked a great quantity of nonsense. ‘These circumstances ought to have the assembly on their guard, “ The war-drum is muffled —and black is the Beer.” but they seem to have gone on eating and drinking out their twelve-and-sixpence May it be long before Eigin has again to reeord such an a-piece, with no uneasy feeling, except that “the price of the tickets was compara- act upon ber Marbles. tively high.” We consider that it was positively high, considering what followed. = At a given signal, the President, no other a person than James Guat, Esq., Provost of Elgin, drew a long breath, rushed upon Tuomas Campse.i, who had : deliberately murdered him in the following Ir is told of a distinguished teetotaller (whose decanter offered him no cffence whatever, manner :— * Bold northern usurper, we have marshball'd our clans, Their swords altho’ thousands, their bosoms are one ; They are true to the last of their blood and their breath, And like reapers descend to the harvest of death. MANCHESTER IN PARIS. WE rejoice to find that Manchester flaunts and flourishes in the French exhibition. The Zimes’ correspondent does all honour to the fineness, the delicacy of the drills—so fine that even the Emperor approved of them, so delicate that the Emrress became a purchaser. We further learn that Manchester’s agent, Ma. Murray, in the blandest manner informed His Masesry that these drills, notwithstand- ing “the prohibitory tariff, found their way into the French market ; the cost of smuggling varying from 50 to 100 per cent.” At this guileless avowal, His Mazesty merely observed, “ It was a good thing to know.” And as far as the benign effects of the smuggler may operate, Wr. Puach will add, “a thing to do;” for the smuggler may, im a sort, be considered a public benefactor : a citizen of the world that circulates the world’s good gifts. There were several Lutuexs before the successful one, says a philosophic historian. There were many Witt Warcuss before Ricuarp Compe. The name of Connex brings us to Barer, with whose house the Times’ exhibition critic is very wrath. The subject is carpets—carpets which are exhibited by Brignut asp Co. The savage critic declares,— “ These carpets are execrable in design, though remarkable im other respects; and for the sake ot British taste, which the Manchester manufacturers appear to glory in Coing all they can to vulgarise, we could have wished that the gold medal said to have been awarded in this instance had been withheld, om the special ground that it isa high industrial offence to use the maltiplying powers of machinery for the purpose of Gebasing in any country the appreciation of the beautiful.” These be bitter words: but we believe Jony Barent ayy Co. may lead this much in extenuation: the carpets were not iatended for rance, but were originally manufactured for Russia; the unsophisti- cated children of the Czar, like all children of nature, having a passion lor the strongest conflict of colours. That Manchester delights to debase the appreciation of the beautiful can hardly be true, seeing how it at once appreciates and elevates Joun Buicut, a very pattern-mar, though it would seem not quite the man of carpet-patteras. e have, however, @ trade report that, if true, will go very to embance the reputation of Jouw Bareut asa fancy carpet-weaver. Uur readers are, of course, familiar with pocket-handkerchicfs on which the whole text of documents—poetie or patriotic—are printed. Well, Joux Baicut is aboat to produce for the Russian market—the goods An Earnest Teetota!ler. bears the motto, “ private and confidential”) that when he read the hoax, printed some time since, of the utter destruc tion of the Falls of Niagara, he immediately went into deep mourning. will go through Prussia—certain carpets with his own speeches in con demnation of the Russian war, and in praise of Russia, printed, to the last letter, in the very best Russian,—the translation having been obtained by means of a certain (Greek merchant located in Manchester, who every day drinks, in the choicest Samian wine, confusion to the Allies by sea and land! There can be no doubt that these goods will find a ready sale throughout holy Russia. Most fittingly, too, will the speeches of Mr. Baiour be transferred to carpets, for such specimens of Manchester logic and Manchester patriotism cannot be too often or too muchi trodden under foot. RUSSIAN RECEPTION OF THE NEWS OF THE FALL OF SEBASTOPOL, Ow the receipt of the intelligence of the Fall of Sebastopol, Mx. GLADSTONE retired into his bedroom, and locked the duor Sin James GRAHAM wept. Mx. Cospex, who was at tea, ordered the things to be taken awa The hon, gentleman was taken very ill in the course of the night. Mr. Baiout stopped his ears with cotton, that he might not hear the ringing of the bells. Lorp Jonx Ressexx scratched his head. Kine Oruno, of Greece, shook in his shoes. Bompa danced with rage for a few moments, and then broke out into a violent perspiration. The Empzsxor or Avstaia, who was writing an antograplh to the Czar ALEXANDER, ground his teeth, and tore the letter to pieces The Kuxc or Pavssita was seized with a vertigo. When he recovered he expressed himself very unwell, and called for brandy snd water, of which beverage His Masesty drank several glasses, crying more and more profusely over each, and was ultimately carried to bed Prussia Illuminates. Tue illumination for the Fall of Sebastopol at the Prussian Embassy in Paris was, of all the ilummations, the most brilliant. W ith a touch of refined diplomacy, it is said that the lamps were filled with the very choicest Russian oil. op aanagatae te iyeu ent EE

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PU NCH, ‘OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Sertemper 22, 1855. SS —~—— ~~ > TS USEFUL, IF NOT ORNAMENTAL. s boy). “ Look were, Warren! Sez wat a Jouty Tarcet orp Aunt Betsy’s Rovyp Hat makes.” THE HARVEST OF THE WAR. Tue heart of Britain heaveth with an universal gladness, Sebastopol is taken! as the scorpion girt by embers From the Land’s End to the Orkneys, from the Washto Arran-more: Deals death upon itself with suicidal sting, he voice of Britain cleaveth the air m ‘jubilant madness, Se Moscow’s blazing beacon the Muscovite remembers, And the clashing of her steeples, And in ruin lays the city, And the shouting of her peoples, While his wounded scream for pity, Bear a burden to the cannon as they roar! As the fire round them draws its hungry ring. ‘Twill be oo for tears to-morrow, o'er their names that conquering Sebastopol i is taken! its stored accumulations perish’d ; For long-plann’d schemes of conquest in the air are idly burl’d, But now let those who mourn for their loved ones stricken down Or blaze, or stand forsaken for the victorious nations, Like Spartans hide their sorrow, in the thought that those they cherish’d To break them or to burn them, Fell, with the foe before them, Or to noble uses turn them, Their country’s banner 0 er them, For the freeing, not the fettering, of the world. And hands clench’d in death upon the crown. , : , : Sebastopol is taken! Those walls whose teeth of iron, We knew they would not fail us—that flower of four brave nations— Guarded arsenal and harbour and war-ships, frown no more ; Phough the struggle might be stubborn and the conquest dearly bought : Coward doubtings might assail us, and petulant impatience, | Red vengues ¢ fire unslaken the bastions environ, ot on Eeow th that no contrivieg hose glare lights victors gazing, On Russian hulls a-blezing, When Wrong and Right were striving, And her army to the northward pouring o’er. ‘ould bring Gon’s rule of justice unto nought. | All through the winter dreary, when the clouds were at their blackest, Schastege is taken! But the work is not completed, We felt the sun behind them—soon in radiance to appear While a foot of the Crimea the Czar dares call bis own; When inaction seem’d most weary, and progress at its slackest, While a race with heart to waken under Russian rule is seated ; With heart and hope unbated, While Georgia Russian wrong hol The tidings we awaited, _ And the Baltic has its strongholds, That at length burst on Europe’s listening ear. Where the double-headed vulture sits in stone. Sebastopol is taken! spread the news till it engender Sebastopol is taken! Peace is the cry already A fear in all enslavers, a hope in all enslaved : From those who cried that cry, ’ere War’s flag was well unfurl’d; Till the Czar’s proud heart be shaken, in his terror-haunted splendour, |“ No Peace” —say we. The Kraken, though stunn’d, yet welters, re y And he own the wrath of Heaven, With force or subtle suction, Embodied in the levin, To fold to their destruction That scathes where his flag so lately waved. The onward-moving nations of the world. , ee

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j PU THE Sertemper 22, 1855 NCH A CARD.—ST. JAMES’S PARK. R. Puwcw respectfully citizens and fellow Englishmen, to indulge in a little philosophic and scientific enclosure of St XX ._ In the first place, Mr > wish Englishmen to give their most calm attention owl, disporting—as a great deceased autho- ; - plation in the green JS \ Park ut most earnest ty w uld have said pple. ote well the habits Solan goose, and whether there is so great a quack among them as “ihe party Finally, the line “ cast upon the town, by being made a parcel of it. *to be speedily sullied, deformed, Englishmen are where beauty lingers,’ LONDON (¢ They are particularly required to and then dis inquire « whether give and, having attentivel; heard them all, to say ” aforesaid ? Englishmen are desired to eye well the bare poles, the dry dead wood and in very truth to be earnestly HARIVARI. | SIMPLETONS WHO MAKE SOTS., At a meeting of busybodies, which took place last Monday week, at St. Martin’s Hall, various contem. | Solutions were agreed to, one of them being to : ,~ | the effect — James’s _ That, as it had been proved that much drunkenness took » on Saturday night and on the evenings of Sunday, it was important that petitions namerously signed should be prepared for presentation early in the next session of Parlia ent, praying that public houses and beershops might be closed at 10 o'clock on Saturday night, and remain closed the whole of Sundey in every part of the United Kingd om ; and that strenuous exertions should be made to reduce, as speedily as possible, the number of public houses, with a view to their utter extinction, so far as the sale of intox! ca&ing liquors were concerned.” invites his brother Punch would | pia to the water- in the translucent vent of the passionately t themselves, deport to These meddlesome persons constituted what is they peeve ; om 4 . that 2 “as to al] | Called the “Temperance Conference,” and many intents and purposes °f,them were members of an impertinent body ~oose it is—is neverthe- | Calling itself the “ London Temperance League.” ss one half so great & We suspect that some large capitalists in the e as “the party,” | wine trade are at the back of these “ Tempe owever it may be. who | T22ce Leagnes” and “Conferences,” the re- * hopes to drive an omni- | *at of whose frantic ravings and insane resolu bus through the green. | ous must be to produce a re-action against sward of St. James’s, ‘at moderate use of fermented liquors, which the folks of Landon vas been of late years gaining gr and, and thus loyally twiddling their | ‘° occasion a greatly increased abuse of those thumhe and enhmie,| fluids. The sanctimony of the Puritans was on datrinknees:? of the principal causes of the dissoluteness of Englishmen are next te Cavaliers, and the fanaticism of the teetotal requested to mark and | Tacks and maniacs will, in a corresponding ear to the ducks,— | ™esure, tend to the promotion of drunkenness. - Exit Menschikoff. l that mar ks THERE appears to be no doubt of the fact that Parsce Menscurkorr has become Prince Pious desired to con-| having entered a monastery at Moscow. The template such poles, and then to declare, whether, in their opinion, there is not more genial former Prince Plenipotentiary is now a humble life m such dry desiceated wood than in the head or heart of “the party ” who has placed Monk of the Order of Dunbrownoffsky. With them there ? a pensive recollection of his historical swagger - These are a few matters to be considered calmly and dispassionate Constantinople, it is said that his principal « Gop save the Qcveew! And from all Goths and Vandals, Gop save St. James’s Park! cupation is to hateb and cram young turkeys. VAUXHALL AND THE HARVEST. Tue very first day that Parliament resumes its labours, a notice o! motion will be placed upon the paper for leave to bring in a Bill to the following effect :— ina of AN ACT for prohibitmg the Opening Faux DALL GARDENS during certain periods. @Ahereas the Harvest of 1855 was being cot in under the most favourable circumstances, and in the most delizhtfal weather; and whereas while such Harvest was being got in, certain parties malevolently announced the opening of Vauxhall Gardens, whereby Rain, as was natural and habitual, instantly descended, and the weather became cold and raw: Ge it enacted, that in future any person or persons an- nouncing the opening of Vauxhall Gardens at any period between the putting in the first sickle, and the carrying the last Harvest home, in the United Kingdom, shall be publicly whipped in the said Gardens twice a-week until the said Harvest is in. the Sesoei st. A COUPLE OF WONDERS. Tere are always two money-questions, which puzzle people more than any other social question including even the celebrated question, repeated de die in diem, of “ What shal! we have for dinner to-day ? - These questions assume the form of riddles that are constantly being asked, but to which we never recollect hearing an answer. Scarcely a day passes, but what you hear the question applied to some one you know. Every one present takes it up, repeats it in nearly the same form, until at last the whole society loses itself in a labyrinth of absurd surmises, out of which they are only conducted by the thread of the next discourse. These money-questions are : lst., | wonder where So-and-So gets all his money from ? | wonder what So-and-So does with all his money ? Now, these riddles have been going on ever since our earliest child- hood, when we remember the difficult inquiry of, “ When is a door not a door?” exy loding for the first time im all its terrifying perplexity upon us, Chey still remain ung ruessed, and it would be a regret if the difficulty were solved, for the riddles once guessed, there would be an end for ever to the amusement. There are some friends who are worse even than the Income-Tax Commissioners. Not satisfied with knowing the amount of your income, and from what particular sourees you draw it, they would also wish to know how you spend it. What a pity these ’ meddlesome persons are not allowed to send round papers every quarter with euections relative to one’s income, like the above, drawn out at elaborate length, which their friends should be compelled, under a heavy penalty to answer, down to the smallest details, accounting satisfactorily for the outlay of every penny of their disbursements. Some day, when we have nothing better to do, we will draw out this new form of Income-T'ax papers, and give ample instructions as to the precise fines and penalties to be im posed upon all persons who fail in meeting the demands of this new x levied upon their patience. It is, in fact, strange that this general cok on the part of so numerous a ‘class as the Busybodies has never been supplied before ! and 2nd.» Bulletin from Rochdale. It was to be expected that the news of the Fall of Sebastopol would iaterially shock even the nerves of the eloquent Member for Man- ster. The disastrous tidings were therefore revealed as cautiously as —" le. We are happy to say, that at the time we went to press Ma. Bricnut was as well—and it is nct saying much—as well as c uld be expec te d. CATCHING IT IN THE CRIMEA. Wuew the Rassians first seized on the Crimea, they captured a great many of the inhabitants, but amongst all of these they never got hold of such a native as the Tartar they have now caught at Sebastopol.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 99 ([Serrember 1855. A CAROL FOR CRICKETERS. Ain.— Apparent. Hene a sheer bulk from fierce round bowling, We mourn a batsman true; - No more he’ll send the ball a-rolling ; He’s batter’d black and blue. Long at the stumps he did his duty, And puzzled many a scout, For though swift balls might spoil his beauty, They rarely put him out. Ne’er from the wicket he departed W ithout a decent score ; And seldom were his timbers started Until his legs were sore. At pads and gloves, as things new-fangled, With pleasant scorn be ’d laugh ; Sut now so grievously he’s mangled. No more we’ll fear his chaff. Curious Characteristics of Waiters. Iw Ireland, the waiter, when he answers you, is always “Going!” in England, however, your waiter, when he favours with an audible response, is always “Coming!” But we have generally found with waiters, as a class, that it is when you want them to come that they are always “ going,” and, on the contrary, it is when you wish them to go that they will persist in “coming.” ‘To avoid these unpleasant contingencies, there is nothing like a dumb waiter—one who rs PUNCH'S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE. ; | “ An eye like MARS (Ma's) to threaten and command.” ' { Hamlet, Act iii., Scene 4. a THE CLERICAL AUCTION MART. ; Ow Tuesday afternoon, says a paragraph in the 7imes, Mr. ALDER- | MAN FAREBROTHER attended at Garraway’s Coffee-House, for the | purpose of disposing, by public auction, of the advowson and right of presentation to the rectory of Lytchett Maltravers, in the county of Jorset. After stating various interesting particulars about the living, the value of which was estimated at £607 a-year, the worthy Alderman proceeded to inform his congregation that— “ The incumbent was thirty-three years of age, and some representations had been made as to the state of his health. He (the worthy Alderman) would not say what those representations were, but intending purchasers might easily satisfy them- selves on that point.” | The Times’ reporter, however, omits to state that the Alderman in | the pulpit—a worshipful preacher in a place of suitable worship— proceeded to dilate upon the delicate hint above quoted, in the follow- | Ing extemporaneous burst of song, to the tune of Georye Barnwell | stood at his shop-door. Yes, gentlemen, certainly, yes, "Tis true, and the truth must be told, Sirs, He is but thirty-three, I confess, Such a fact it were wrong to withhold, Sirs. The incumbent is but thirty-three ; And the purchaser’s loss would be weighty, If he should—as might possibly be— Hold his present preferment till eighty. (Spoken ) If he should, ugh! ugh! (cowghs.) 1f he should by a mir— | ugh !—by a mirac—ugh! ugh!—by a miracle—ugh! ugh! ugh! The | alr of the locality is recommended by the faculty too in cases of—ugh ! | ugh !—in cases of (expectorates) ugh! ugh! ugh! Thirty-three is an earlyish age, One would count on a longer lease, surely ; They who sleep at the end of that page, Shut up human life’s book prematurely. Thirty-three and a fine healthy air, Thirty-three and a light occupation, Thirty-three and exemption from care, Might look forward to lengthen’d duration. | (Spoken.) Old Parr lived to a hundred-and-twenty. But old Parr never had to take cod-liver oil—vugh! ugh!—to wear a respirator— - = without a murmur anything and ——— you choose to put upon him, and expects no fee or gratuity im return. Tue Reat “ Vive Diszase.”—Drunkenness. ugh! ugh! ugh! It isn’t everybody at thirty-three, even with a broad chest and sound lungs, that’s likely to live as long as old Parr. Ugh! ugh! Dear me, what a cough I’m troubled with !—but I hope it isn’t a churchyard cough, though a man might have a churchyard cough at the early age of thirty-three, Life’s flow stops at thirty-three soon, To compare buman life to a river ; But the sun of our day sets at noon, From organic disease of the liver. How long a young man may drag on Existence is not a hard question, Supposing his stomach is gone, / And has quite lost the power of digestion. ( Spoken.) When no food is retained ; when the face is hollow (sucks in his cheeks)—eyes thus ( pressing his own back in their orbits); abdo- men so (describing a concavity by a downward wave of the hand in front of his stomach) ; when physicians of the greatest eminence have been consulted in vain—when there is scbirrus of the pylorus, ossification of the valves of the heart, hypertrophy of the left ventricle, aneurism of the aorta, incipient ascites, ramollissement of the brain, tetanus opisthotonos, and threateuing paralysis, the whole system pounaiing one complicated mass of disorder and disease, no sane actuary wouk calculate on a protracted existence—even although the age of the suf- ferer were only thirty-three.—Ugh! ugh! ugh !—abem !—hem !—ugh! ugh! ugh! ugh! An old age, hale, hearty, and green, May the present incumbent await, Sirs, Some representations have been, Of his health made respecting the state, Sirs, What they were | won’t say; but to such As may fancy to risk this transaction, The trouble will hardly be much, Of obtaining complete satisfaction. Short-Lived Choler. Tue provincial papers record, as a wonder, that the Americans are wearing “ paper hin-enlie, which a New York manufactory throws off at the rate of a thousand an hour.” The invention is in keepin with the “ Go-a-head” nation. What is paper, but linen in an advan 2 stage of existence

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“ks lo- re aS PUNCH SAVE ME FROM MY INDIAN FRIEND. >HERE is pub- SerTemMBeR 22, 1555.) shed in Mr. Vernon Saitu’s Asiatic domini ms, & newspaper called the Friend if India. It is ably and honour- ably conducted, xcept that the title is delusive. Were the journal named the Friend of the India- Touse, nobody ‘ould quarrel with " ’ 4 its uncompromi- ae —— sing advocacy o = fom w— the H. E. 1. C., ai) a and its interests. ~~ — There is pub- } Spl —“tajue> lished in Quern et —~ Victortia’s Euro- ——_—— ean dominions a —_— urnal called Punch, Tt is eedless to say ow that periodi- eal is conducted, or that it is de- voted to uncom- promising advocacy of the interests of Queen Victoria, and of all her nest subjects. 3 The European and the Asiatic journals appear to have found a point m which they differ in opinion. ; Some months since it was stated, authoritatively, that officials in the service of the East India Company employ Torture in dealing with the -payers. Mr, Punch, on due consideration, cast his indignation i this subject, not after the fashion of some of his contemporaries, howls, and yells, and notes of non-admiraticn, and other intense graphy, but into the form of anadvertisement, by a Sheffield Firm, ch proposed to supply the Company with the newest and most xeruciating appliances for inflicting torture. Spasmodie appeals are toned {_—-. ah. _— —- p= a a ly wastea— Ur. Punch’s acid bit even into the brass of Leaden- | Street. , ; ; , o, ve [he Company’s organ shall speak for itself :-— ¢ Tortare qnestion has got into Punch, and we annex to this article an adver- a the subject, written in his best style of racy and sarcastic } : lo this introduction we have no objection at all. The writer then roceeds to say, that the “attack is in the highest degree unjust.” Of ,more anon. The Friend, after a brief analysis of the advertise- ent, which he has the fairness also to quote in full, meets the alleged ustice, by treating it as an imputation upon the “ Company’s Ser- ants,” by which title he states that in England “ European civil ficers in the Company’s Service ” are “ exclusively” designated. Now this, with great respect to the Friend, is something like trifling tha grave accusation. Mr. Punch is not in the habit of making arges that are either unjust or ridiculous. Every reader of Punch ws perfect!y well what he meant. Nobody for a second supposed t he imputed physical cruelty to one English gentlemar raged in ministering the affairs of India. When was Pach enilty of putting ich insane trash to paper ? But he did make an imputation, and a pretty strong one, and one vhich he has since repeated, and one which he means to repeat unti] he last vestige of a reason for it is done away; namely, that Torture is sed in India for the collection of the Company’s Reverue. And as, ince he published the advertisement, the clearest proof of the fact has een put forth at much length, and with due circumstantiality, by the imes and other journals, and as the Madras Torture Report, about appear in England, wil! formally register the accusations, '/r. Puach ise regrets that he has called universal attention to the subject very modes of inflicting the torture are before the world, and erefore, lackily, it is needless for Wr. Punch to pain his readers by the apitulation of such atrocities. When the Honourable Fast India npany has done what no doubt every gentleman, either in its rection or its service, desires should be done, namely, root: t the lernal system from every Indian village under British domination, it ll be time enough for its advocates to become indignant with English urnalists. Meantime, it would be well for those advocates not to try ride off on a quibble, such rides ‘generally terminating where the uestrian performances of mendicity are popularly held to end. The Torture Commission sat but a short time, but, says the Press, in how + reply to the attempt “to show that the use of Torture in the ( ompany’s | territories has heen exceptional,” during that short time they received “1440 letters of complaint of the practice.” In presence of this fact, and some hundreds of other facts which have been and will be 1 Friend of India that, while entirely agreeing with him, that “The article in Punch will be read by millions, and it will now become the settled conviction of the people of England, that the Zwropean [no, not European, but Asiatic) servants of the ( pany are constantly in the habit of resorting to the most flagitious modes of torture he cannot concur in the sentiment that “ Tt is impossible to overrate the mischief which such an article will produce, and the deep and tatal impression which it cannot fail to create in the national mind ; ” for Mr. Punch is happy to believe, on the contrary, that he will have nade known, Mr. Punch is obliged to intimate to the largely aided in the formation of{a popular feeling which will speedily | enforce upon the Honourable Company the necessity of doing away with a foul blot upon the Anglo-Indian escutcheon. SOMETHING ABOUT THE KNOW-NOTHINGS., “KxowLence is power;” but in America this power consists in the knowledge mainly of knowmg nothing. “A little knowledge is adangerous thing ;’’ consequently, to avoid all danger, it is far better to know nothing at all. | The old precept, “ Know Thyself,” is quite wrong. A real Know Nothing, if he carries out strictly the principles of Ris creed, has no right even to know himself. What becomes of State Education, when the great object of life is to |know nothing? only, in England, owe many religious sects have for | years past arrived at this happy conclusion ; for they are unanimously resolved, that if a child cannot be educated according to their own peculiar way of thinking, he shall not be educated at all—in other words, that he shall be a complete Know-Nothing, and live and dig, in that blessed state. We wonder if a Know-Nothing ranks as acipher in the State? and if | these ciphers are only valuable so far as they help, like other ciphers, to swell the value of the figure that stands at their head? And again we wonder, how many of such ciphers it would require before that figure would he able to make anything like “ Political Capital” out of them ’ ‘or instance, what would be their political market value to such a figurative statesman as Giapstone? and with what justice might he | be quoted, from being the principal national figure of the Peelites, as standing in England at the head of the English Know-Nothings ? A Know-Nothing is one who sticks at nothing in order that America may be “nothing to nobody,” excepting to such as are regular Know- | Nothings. But, perhaps, the Know-Nothings are so called to distinguish them selves from the Mitcwe.ts, and the like in America, who are generally Good-for-N othings ? The man, who professes to know everything, is generally proved to be a know-nothing; but general, mistrust the man who meets an accusation by saying he “ knows nothing,” as it is pretty evident that he knows something that he is most anxious to conceal, and a great deal more than he would like to confess. True Dignity. Some of the French authorities last week gave a banquet to the Ingiish men of science forming part of the English jury; and thereto _ - ' Z. impradently invited the English ambassador, Lory Cowrey. H Lordship gave no direct answer, but in the most dignified manner caused it to be made known to the inviters, that it was not his custom to dine with low people. Very proper: science ought to know its place. An electric telegraph is all very well in its way, but what is the fiery eloquence of a discoursing wire compared with a blue riband ? Epigrammatic Despatch. Tuoven Victory refused our arms to bless, > ran away with wonderful success. ADMIRALTY DOCTRINE. Wurst the Narrer Correspondence was going on in the Adrertisr, the newspaper used to be sent to the Lords of the Admiralty regularly, with the following endorsement, “ A Napren-ient Pill for Sir James— one or two to be taken every morning.” ' THE CAT’S AWAY. Wuex the House of Commons is up, public robbers are down upon St. James’s Park. a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ARIVARL [Sarrsuses 22, 1855. — Ci SCENE ON THE ENGLISH COAST. A SPLENDID SPECIMEN OF CANT. We have a contemporary calling itself the Christian Cabinet—a title which conveys ap insinuation against Loxp PaLMERston’s Government. This journal is addressed to mechanics and labourers, whom it professes to supply with news of a general character, and articles imbued with Christian sentiment. A paper, assuming ‘the prefix of Christian, of course intends thereby to distinguish itself from the rest of the news- paper-press, the larger portion of which claims, though it does not arrogate, that epithet. ft might be surmised that the Christianity of such a paper would be something peculiar. Whether that is the case may perhaps appear from the following taste of its quality :— Ipow Wonsnie 1 Ewotanp.—To the Editors of the Christian Cabinet,—It cannot be denied that idol ey is greatly on the imerease in this country. Let any thoughtful person go to the at the hideous idols which have been brought into this country at an enormous expense | tothe nation.” But why not rather ascribe the “earnest gaze” to interest in objects | which illustrate and attest Scripture, than to idolatry? The letter, of which the above is the charitable and rational commencement, proceeds in the ensuing language of modesty and humility :— j ‘Why were those abominations of a wicked nation brought Into this land to be « blot upon its fair —— and to bring down the wrath ofthe Almighty upon us, by war, disease, and The signature sacked to this sensible epistle is J. Lave. Mrs. Lane | —for the sex of this writer must be female and her age advanced—is a cool old lady to pretend to a knowledge, which of course must be of a srophetic nature, that Mr. Lavanp’s bulls have brought upon us the Qussian war, We expect that J, Lanz will shortly give herself out as the successor of J. Sourncore. Poor old Mus. Laws continues— “ Let the people destroy those idols, and level them with the dust.” Fair, but anile iconoclast! But how is your advice, Goopy Lawyg, to be followed by the eek without resistance to the powers that ‘be, which include besides the soldiers who mount guard at the | ee of the British Museum? Now, Mas. Laye, know ry Le is | y in such case bigher Court ritish Museum, and observe the earnest gaze of the people — Goopy Lang then moderates the rancour of her pen; and her next sugzestion is less dangerous, if not much more reasonable. ‘ Let tables be placed in those magnificent rooms, and cover them with religious es ks and papers for the spiritual improvement, daily, of the people There is one thing to be said in favour of this meneel. The rooms certainly would not be overcrowded, and it would be possible for the frequenters of these religious reading rooms to pursue their studies without the slightest mutual interruption. But we are afraid that this plan would involve the presentation of the sack to Sicnor Pawizzi We do not know what are the views of that leman as to the religious character of erature, but apprehend that they would at least differ from those of Mas. Lane, On tha hat question the Public, moreover, | would entertain some diversity of be =F Mus. Lane adds the following piece of advice :— “ Let « large organ be placed in the rooms, that the people may hear solemn masic, at least once «-week.” But the people can do that already. At St. aeate and Westminster Abbey there is an anthem and chanti Besides, there very ‘solemn music in Le Prophéte, ‘which they" Lave frequent oppor: | tunities of hearing, also in Robert le Diable, There is some deeply solems music in the Zauderflote: and the opening ¢ the overture to Der Freischitz is marvellously solemn. But Mas. L =P -, suppose, dis approves of the theatre, and ae eens tall Mas. Lawe’s last recommendation Chontions ah should pr: pest for peace. Very proper. We trust, tbat she will in future hold her own. By printing that venerable *s letter the Christian Catine! appears to participate in her sentiments on the subject of sculpture ut then it ought to style itself the Mahometan Cabinet rather than the Christian—save tbat all enlightened Turks have by this time outgro#2 the old fanaticism of Islam in regard to imitative art, Wiseman and St. Winifred. Once upon a time, James tHe Ssconp turned aside from » progress to visit the well of St. Wnuvrrrzp, oe licate the Saint t bless him with an heir to the English throne. A days ago, Doctos | et, m the Parise of made and provided by a than | Wisemas, it is said, not only visited Sr. WIintPaep’s waters, but even that of Parlament in them! Is the Pors in want of another son to the “true” Church’ Petneed by Willem Wham Bradbury, of Bo. Deve, obo Place, and ond eahutes Mallett Evans, of No. 19, Queen's Road West, Regent's Park, both im the Parish of St. Pancras, i to Comer of by 7 Printers, at their Office in iw the Precinct of —Sarvavat, Ait 2, 186. » in the City of Lendom, and Publiched by them at No. %, on aes ota 2 Oud

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55. | Serremser 29, 1855.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 123 eine iene LORB BROUGHAM MADE A VALUABLE | CONSIDERATION. nals | Aw advertisement in Galigmani announces for sale « a - - chateau in the South of France, which, among its other attractions, is said to be “ adorned with the us,” to be “ within pate Sues to fifty hours of ”* and “ only five minutes’ walk from the residence of Lory Brovcuam.” To the amateurs of the Cactus the inducement above held forth is legitimate enough, and it is reasonable to intimate that the chéteau is within forty-four or fifty hours of London; but the propinguity to Lory Broveuam is a matter which no speculator has any right to take advantage | of. We do not imagine that it is with Lonp Broveuam’s consent that he is thus introduced into an advertisement as a means of enhancing the attractions of a chateau for 1 = | sale in his neighbourhood. It is of course a merely : | bominal advantage to be within five minutes’ walk of Loxp | | BroueaaM, unless the privilege of dropping in upon that : : “ po " | accomplished nobleman is to be inel the purchase. | Unless Lonp Brovenam becomes a party to the con- veyance, and agrees to a clause, in which he undertakes to J be at home when the purchaser drops in, we do not see how | the fact of wicne will add to the value of the premises. we ons it w mS tp ony fair that Lory Brovenam | should have a portion purchase-money in consideration of its amount being increased by the announcement that his Lordship is within five minutes’ walk of the property. Lf the advertisement had ap during the session, we | should have expected a motion to have been made in the | House of Lords on the subject. = Punch to the Smoking World. (After Ready madeasy.) Leary to smoke slow. The other crace is, | > } To keep your smoke from people’s faces. Pop goes the Pontiff. | ' Pipe be 2 has ee Does engaged yy in the sort | . | Of work that other European powers are doing in a | PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE. material sense. He has been letting off his artillery, par- | —— ‘ ticularly at Spain, and our Allies, the Sardinians. The — “The Emperor or Roussta was my father : . |ordaance of his Holiness is, however, of a small descrip- : | t Ob ! that he were alive, and here beholding— tion, and makes but little noise ; in fact, it is an almost ; we Winter's Tale, Act iii, Scene 2. | childish species of artillery, consisting of mere Pors-guns. ; eligious atin — _ eee ——— or the CAPTIVITY AMONG THE NATIVES OF RUSSIA. THE TEETOTALLERS WANTED. studies Wuat can you expect from a bear but brutality ?—but contrary to Tue attention of the Universal Sackeloth and Cinder Sanday Society at this | expectation, it seemed that the Russians had treated some officers of is respectfully called to a flagitious ceremony too frequently acted in ANIZZI curs, who had fallen into their hands, humanely. A different story, how-| Hex Masesty’s Dockyards. A few days since, Miss Gonpow stood : ligious ¥ ever, is told by the Paris correspondent of the Morning Post, who says— godmother to a new ship, naming it the Pearl. We are told that— i differ | « i “ Hav v ef survey o , Ce the q h wore. | a cESsrospiin.ze raion wh as fr ete Pe om Cnt |” ain hn ver ret sree fe, Si, Comers gmaven, et, : | They had been subjected to the most insolent and iliating tre by the Russians the cutwater, exclaiming, ‘ Success to the Pear!,’” | 1000 alles on 2, an bE ty out black b io, be, Whes the What can be expected of a Pearl so christened, but that, as in the n masic, | party arrived at certain villages on their way, he was made to walk two or three times | case with pearls in general, it should at some time be found at the through the place, to be shown to the people, and was insulted and spat upon. The | bottom of the sea? Why cannot Hen Masesty’s ships be baptised gard gave Ak, ¢f— i $A, 21 A ery op lymph ; or, for at least a season, is it ‘allowed that the » » is now t ; ’ . © ’ : - — Conte oti, win ake | bis pete Soon ny pee mg opneatien amt one. | Lords of the Admiralty have cast sufficient cold water on the true in- here is onstantinople, oppor: The Russians are taught particularly to insult the English, it appears.” | terests of the navy 4 or a —— is cuueapes in the oOo = aie : | " : makes natural remark uscovite | Innocent roses, with the wine “biting like a serpent” r them! to De ~ hone atm and A the be treated too —) gg ey mm and| We recommend » ny 5 Govan, to bo oa a up a i hares , ‘ve | bis Other flowers of rhetoric. e have, moreover, to attention real aed a OD te anausimee scalgld Broch cnd English | of the above Seckcloth Sunday Society to the fact thet, under the ld pras - - The worst could possibly allow ourselves to do to the auspices of Parnce Atsert, whiskey was drunk about the bonfire | ; boi Rtselan prisoners would be to sad thom beck to Rassis. Bus then| ghtpl of Rekmems, ip commamesation of the tamile dows of Sttas- : a ghine in order to exchange them : topol. w it may be asked, is the moral influence of Fors - 4 nam — ed tales ou - remain am eS ley Ne Mac KENZIE in Soot nd, if the good man is thus to be outraged by the i an the they beoome imbued with liberal ideas, and the greater service they do | 88d example and mischievous patronage of a Purscz Coxsoxr ? igrowD us as live bombs when they come to be thrown back upon the Czaz. | ——————————— —— “Cooking” a Barometer. An Act of Dotage. Greek merchants of Liverpool in the interest of Russia, have been : : esemed of an attempt to d the corn-market, by tampering with i rogress Tae Times one day last week presented its readers with an uncom- the quicksilver of the Exe barometer. They have protested ; aint to monly absurd case of “ conscience-money : ”— against the anputation, signing three aman “yy epee = ‘ JOCTOR | | on : E acknowledges the receipt of the first half of (j mitizzi; and RusseLLAYANNI. brass now protec e bathed | Bank of England 4100 note fom "FG. Y'; onscomnt of endeuacaed laor TAS.” barometer from all meddiers the quality of the metal suggested by the yareh ' | Of course, F—G—Y can only stand for Focr. impudence of the offenders. ee ! —_ iddiestt> pe Cn «? VOL. XXIX. 9)

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Surrempen 29, 1855, PUNCH, r for which he has been taking a trip somewhere | THE PIOUS PUFFERS. on the Continent. The newspaper puff in- P ; forms us that his leg is getting better, and T must be very painful to a sincere pro-)that his “ people” at Cheltenham will soon fessor of those doc-| have him 3 and that he thinks of his trines by which self-| « lambs,” or some twaddle or other, which will, glorification is especi- | of course, go the round of all the Cheltenham ally condemned, to find | teatables. If Doctor Ciose’s anile admirers himself continually | \ike to be called bis “ ople,” we see no objection made the subject of| to the title; but wien we recollect that the uffing paragraphs. | Doctor was one of those who wrote a book to Ve have already | prove the Satanic agency of Table-turning and called attention to the Spirit-rapping, we think that a better term than lamentable case of | “jambs” might be found for those who accept i , poor dear Doctok| the Reverend gent as their guide; and we = eae, who bas} should be disposed, in selecting a word from the ny} f been so bespattered, | animal creation, to describe them as Doctor ea)! & besmeared, and be-| Crosp’s Donkeys. of { — “_ ; _ The over-sanctimonious, and not over-chari- M ; Punery> aa" | table portion of the public, will believe, or rather Hong? we naturally begin to | ‘#© Portion Of the public, wi >: ' Hyittti S look for a list of his | ¥/! assert without believing it, that we intend to | HWW ™ works in that portion sneer at Religion or its ministers, because we Brin | AH ® of a newspaper which | denounce the quackery and puffery which make re D fs deented a cecdionl the latter contemptible. It is, however,®bvious | TN Hand miscellaneous | common sense, that the clerical profession is | r ly degraded by the unwholesome panderin HHT, | quackery. Some of | ™Y @¢sr oy nwholesome pa g | Ny our friends have be.| © Personal vanity, to which it is in these days | i + 7” eee s0 thoroughly - much Soe we which a ~~ a “popu. | | 9 essed with the |/@* preacher” and a “popular performer” in | @ ie if Pee of a jaa Fn wach the same position. We simply wish to | Gin between the name of | } Nt CumMiInG and news- + aM put down that morbid and usually feminine feel- | ng 7. reference - gene which developes es we | itself in working slippers and antimacassars, or — Wot iak | in giving silver tea-pots to unmarried clergymen. asked, whether the lion-slayer at the top of the Haymarket is the same Commune whose| We recollect am instance in which a bachelor espoeiation has been made the subject of that familiarity which is said to lead to contempt, | divine had been presented with so many em- | through the medium of advertisements. We should scarcely be surprised if the pious puffers | broidered shoes and tea services by the spinsters | of Doctor Commine’s books were to take advantage of the popularity of the present | of his flock, that he might have started with a | connection between the name of Cumminc and the King of Beasts, and were to send forth | capital stoek as either a slipper-dealer or a silver- a list of his works with the words, “Dn. Cummine, Taz Great Reticiovus Lion or ras} smith; but happening to marry a lady out of the Day,” by way of an attractive heading. | parish, he was nearly torn to pieces by his fair | While we are on the subject of pious puffs, we may as well remonstrate against a paragraph | adorers, who called on him to return all the we lately met with, in which one Doctor Oxose, t idol of the old maids of Cheltenham, | plate that had been presented to him for his has been introduced with the interesting accessory of a bad leg, or something of the sort, Gechéiar piety—his single biessedness. — SOME VERY ODD FISH. AN ACQUISITION TO PLAIN ENGLISH. Aone the pranks performed by the animal creation in what is called| Tue writer of Notes and Sketches in the Morning Post makes the the “dead season” by the penny-a-liners, we have met with nothing | following remark, among others of a more judicious character, on the richer than the conduct of a certain cod-fish, who, if newspaper para- | subject of “ Discourse.” graphs may be believed, has recen' ly indulged in the eccentricity of} « To say that some point has been excluded, or left out of the question, is much better | swallowing a kitten. ‘This feat appears to have been performed in a fit | than to say it has been ignored.” of jealou-y at the alleged achievement of a ling, who, according to 8) If conciseness is desirable in expression, “ignored” is bette than Scotch paper, had recently devoured the leg of a rabbit. Of course | « jeft out of the question ;” besides, the word means more than that nobody will inquire very closely how the rabbit lost his leg, or whether brase, and than the term “excluded.” To iguore is wilfully, and the ling was at once the amputator and the devourer of the unlucky cunningly, and deceitfully to leave out of the question ; fraudulently to | limb ; nor will any oue be too curious to ascertain which way the cat | overlook ; mendaciously to affect not to know; to blink; to pretend could possibly have jamped to have found its way down the throat of a | ignorance of a fact that the fact may pass unnoticed, and not be taken cod-fisn. If these stories of lings swallowing rabbits’ legs and cods into aceount. It is a word which describes, with beautiful precision, a | bolting entire cats are believed by the readers of a newspaper, it might thing very common both im the writings and the conversation of zealots certainly give a portrait of one of its subscribers as that of an animal and bigots, and especially of solemn ecclesiastical bambugs; it com- | that can swallow anything. pendiously expresses one of their artifices ; it neatly bottles off a puff —— of their smoke ; therefore they don’t like it: but therefore it is a lovely word, and well deserving of incorporation with the Quzen’s English. | CURE FOR HOT COPPERS. | | A curs for the complaint | called hot would be a great boon to a no small proportion of Hex Masesry's subjects, who A WASHED DUKE. oocasionally exceed in strong potations. If their coppers want cleaning, | “en } me let them eat some street-oysters, and wash those molluscs down with | _ Tite @/asgow Citizen, in describing the personal appearance of some street-vinegar. That fluid. in some cases, consists, according to a state- | Of the savaxs assembled at the meeting o the British Association, is | ment made by Da. Hassats at the late meeting of the Association for | g00d enough to remark of the Duxe or Ancrtt, that he looked | the Advancement of Seience, of little eise than sulphuric acid and water, | “5¥ ey ce. Did the Scotch reporter muddle the modicum | coloured with burnt sugar. Sulphuric acid and water are dilute oil of | Of French in his possession, and think it was a case of savon instead of vitriol, which, as most people know, is the proper thing to scour copper- | *40@a¢ ? Or, is it such a wonder that a Scotch Duke should be physical! kettles with. Indulgence, therefore, in street-oysters is very likely to, clean? Some of the Scotch Dukes (like some of the English ones) | cleanse, and, if repeated often enough, effectually to cool hot coppers ; | bave done very dirty things im their time, but it was hardly matter of | so effectually, that the coppers will be rendered incapable of being | surprise that the Duke or Arcyit, who, moreover, is a very estimable | heated any more. young man, should have washed his face and put on a clean shirt upon | = | such an ~ pon To be sure such a ae Looe ng — excite a trifle more notice in Glasgow t in most places, even Cas. BY sey Caee. there the upper classes occasionally set examples of unobjection- Wur will the proposed Port of Hartlepool be like the dirty Thames | able neatness. This Citizen has been showing his freedom rather River ?—Becauge it will be a Arbour of unwarrantably. — Bo? acre => e2aes Once e wea Orin oe ern r se ! wer ou FP Orit eaten ea tO

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Sa ee Feo he } td

_PUNCH, _ OR THE LONDON per 29, 1855.] the lie! Mens. \ give him ; Chorus. Oh, fie for shame! Oh, fle! esas ’s that of lie. Recitative. Mens. The pardon of your Majesty I crave, Thus in your presence stung to misbehave ; I'll only say your Fiduas (to Doxa.) tells a story : ; And it is idle and ora ap Ridiculous, and perfectly absurd, To let your voice be in this council heard, 5 Assembled to discuss affairs of Z You never have received one warlike scar, Ben im retreat ; no soldier are at all ; A bomb you know not from a rifle-ball ; And have—although in talk there ’s not » louder— Neither invented, burnt, nor handled powder. | Alez, I say ye these Fa rude discussions, Unbecoming polish’d Russ We will inquire to which the be bleene i is due : Woe to the one or other of the two! Baavuga. Yes, woe and vengeance enpeamse amet Cm And age er 8 No matter w fool or kmave, Who lost Sebastopol ! Fis fault that wretch shal! rue, : For we will fiad him out ; And safe will be, for one of you, Siberia and the Knout !

eRe mre per

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: —— -~ == | door and a touch of the THE on ‘ : — . 4 raga e are “" . ! r( ) ‘ SS— = ma the avowal of the . HAIR NOT APPARENT. iS = shire indy, who says, “my We are continually being : =. head, wi was once quite taunted in the newspapers = — bald, is now covered with new by the disagreeable question, : . = hair ;” for, we would as soon “Do you want beautiful - =—— —S= think of putting our old wine | Heir?” We confess that we —— — into new bottles, as of cram- | are obliged to respond to — ———— : ming our old head into new this rather impertinent — in- =— - SS ringlets. We therefore decline | terrogatory, by avowing that ‘ ——S ; = : any attempt to give luxuriance we are deficient as to our , ——— ————= to our loeks; and, indeed, it | capillary attraction; and that . — < : = would be im ible to do so;

| we do, in fact, “want beautiful = = ~ — — a for the well-known maxim hair.” We, however, must , —e : : =s “ first eatch your hair,” would decline the assistance of those, ~ ; Se — apply in a case of curling, just | | who would put all sorts of — ——=———— : ee as much as it would in a case things into our heads, with - a | of cookery. the view of giving luxuriance ; | to that, which at present re- | Pe Greeks are anxious to | | her generosity in giving £50 to a S sembles a mixture of stubble, THE PLAYFUL CREATURE OBJECTS AT FIRST, BUT FINDING THE PROCESS repudiate the name given to with a slight dash of the AGREEABLE, DETERMINES TO HAVE A ComeLete Baru. their country—Bear's Greece.

AN ERROR ON THE RIGHT SIDE. | Newsraree paragraphs have sounded the of the Quzey, for instead of the first who forwarded the intelligence, which is so grati- Scotch , for having | fying to Hen Masesty. The practice of giving @ handsome gratuity | been “ the fortunate person to bring before Ham Maszsty the glorious | to the one who immediately communicates a welcome fact, is likely to | news of the taking of Sebastopol.” The donation was no doubt very | retard rather than to expedite good news; for everyone has an interest | | handsome; though the Royal act was evidently one of impulse rather | in keeping the knowledge of it to himself, until he can panty arrive | y pai id for. than of prineiple; for it is difficult to see why the Station-master at the spot where the information is likely to be lavish better Our remarks are not quite in accordance with the tone of flattery that | who tel ed the news, should have been entitled to £50 | than the individual who communicated the fact to him, or the still | has been employed by our contemporaries in reference to this Dw of | of communication is the real ground on which a reward is to be given, ' 0 earlier informant who worked the telegraph at the Crimea. If priority | Royal generosity; but we are quite sure that Hen Masesry will agree with our view of the case: and we are ready to admit, that under the the Scotch Station-master seems to be less entitled to £50 than any same circumstances, we might have done the same as the Queen did, if those engaged in transmitting the news, for he is clearly the last person | we had had £50 to spare, and taken no time for reflection.

ee oe. R oy x = S rej ° = ¢ 3 B 5 =) i]

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PUNCH, OR TUE LONDON CHARIV ARI.—Serremser 29, 1855. CRIMEA THE SPLIT CROW IN THE He's Hit Hard!—Follow Him Up! ald ust ase | to to ati- ity to est 1vé hat , lee, 4, tile hl line . | SE PS ESS ae & 8:

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oe 68 Ta EES Shansekes || —SPaASERSSRESTES SEASSER SSSA ETIERSESE |

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Szrrempern 29, 1855.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 129 THE CAUSE OF BAD MAGISTRATES. HE following story has appeared cause it gratifies their arbitrary and in the Bucks Advertiser, and if passions? Nothing is ever well done for nothing. passing strange :""— Justice—like children, as the maotice says in the “A Mase Casn—At the Potty Ses- Hammersmith omnibus—must be paid for. Pay sions at Stony-Strat , Buck- ll y ‘ s want admuin- inghamehire, on Friday last, a man, all yous Magistrates if : due ~ named Lavi Hewson, was o with firing off a gun within 80 feet of | expect upon the Bench better than such a set of the turnpike road. The evidence was | fellows as those must be who eould be capable of — yy ore seine eat | inflicting the iniquitous fine which the Bucks ordered by his master to aboot the | Advertiser represents certain gentlemen to have | birds if they‘touched the wheat. He | inflicted on Levi Hewson ? had, it appears, shot a jay, and his = master, having measured the ground, = found that the spot was ahove 80 feet , from theroad. The magi«trates, how- true, is very ever, told 2 convicted they had P stated. from amateur judges—who like their office, for the most part, from the love of punishing; be- cause it is fun to them to fine and imprison, be- tyrannical istration of justice; what can you the defendant that he stood ‘upon the clearest evidence ever heard,’ and fined the | AN AGED ALDERMAN. poor fellow £1, with 17s. 6d. costs.” | A rew days ago the citizens of Lendon elected an Alderman, to whom there was no objection, some enemy'of the | except on the score—or rather the three scores erhaps , Magistrates alluded to in the | and upwards—of his age. We cannot help : above paragraphcommunicated | thinking that, in the present doomed state of the - it to our Bucks contemporary. Corporation, which may be said to have at least Perhaps the reporter dreamt | one foot in the grave,mo amount of years can be the circumstances I therein | considered a di for one of its repre- Perhaps it is not the | sentatives, An of London in the prime fact that those Magistrates! of |i resents a pi of vigour, which a ~ the illegal sentence | pat pa and icing the 4 ascri striking the decrepit to them. Perhaps| state of the tottering body of which he is a they were justices or the peace, and not injustices of Buckinghamshire. Perhaps they were! member. To introduce a hearty and healthy in- gentlemen, and wise men, and not precisely the reverse. But such judgments | dividual into the Aldermanic fraternity of London men, as they are alleged to have delivered are, in fact, not seldom delivered by country Magistrates. would be almost as cruel as to tie a living being For this, the country is itself to At first sight it may ap r that Magistrates might! to an inanimate co , or—still greater horror be deterred from inflicting unjust and malicious punishments by the fear of incurring punish-| —to bind the brawny limbs of active youth to the ment themselves. with having punished Levi NsoN, might set to work at the crank, for a warning to others. But what sort of ENGLAND’S HUMILIATION. (For the Invalided Russe.) Sucu of our em me are acquainted through our columns with | the real state of pu which that island is to learn that the intelligence of our temporary evacuation o bastopol has plunged the entire kingdom into the deepest mourning and dejection. Accounts slightly at variance with this statement have, it is true, been published by the English press; and an obscure print, called the Times, whose circulation is about as limited as its ability, bas had the effrontery to suggest that a medal should be struck to per- petuate the memory of our triumphant retreat. We need, however, scarcely remind our enlightened that nowhere is the censorship of the press exercised with greater rigour than in England; and any editor who had dared in this case to reveal the real feeling of the nation would have been tried by a court-martial, and in all probability sent to Coventry,—an eee Ly is well known, to our own Siberia. But, notwithstanding the dastardly attempts of the despotic British Government to the transmission of letters to the Continent— evinced especially of late by their reduction of the rates of have received from one of our own Manchester correspondents, a descrip- ic opinion in England, as to the unholy war im with us, will, we apprebend, be quite pre- tion of the way in which the so-called victory was actually celebrated : for | the veracity of which our known character of truthfulness will, we do | ient voucher. In part, for we epitomise his report, | not doubt, be a sufficient he says :— “The news of the partial capture of Sebastopol has occasioned here the greatest sorrow and indignation. Throughout the Metropolis, on the night of its arrival, the people were so incensed at the Government it was found to call out the militia ; and an attack being meditated upon St. J s Palace (the usual autumnal residence of Her Masesty), the Queen and her Ministers fled with the greatest precipitation to the Highlands, they are still hiding under the alleged plea of ‘living in retirement.’ Knowing somewhat of the real feeling of the populace, the Lonp Mayor very prudently declined the office of tommy oe the so-termed victory. There is little doubt that he would have been torn to pieces if he had attempted it. General illumination there was none, of course. At the French Embassy some two or three lamps were lit upon the sly, but on the approach of an member of the Peace Society they were hurriedly extin- “At Woolwich there was a tremendous bonfire in the Arsenal, the post ‘we For instance, you feel that a bench of brutes and boobies, for having| moribund frame and imbecility. We punished a man so shamef as the bench in question is (by mistake, we hope) deenoel| the ought to have their heads shaved, and be | in selecting age before wisdom of the citizens ing else as a quali- Justice can you expect | fication for the office of Alderman. accordingly recognise mob Costeaying, eovesel millions’ worth of Government stores. Effigies | of Genzrats Simpson and Pewissier were burnt 2 /a Guy Faucz, and | the boys exploded a vast niimber of 10-inch shells and Congreve rockets | without the slightest injury to any of the bystanders. _ “The one ship left in Portsmouth had her flag hung half-mast hi in mourning for the loss of the remainder of the Russian fleet. Her captain has in consequence been dismissed the service, and is now ex ¢ route for St. Petersburg, where he will doubtless be received with honour, “As may be supposed, the demonstration at Manchester was extremely gratifying. All the manufactories and shops were closed, and the principal inhabitants appeared in deepest mourning. The bells rang muffled peals throughout the day, and most of the churches were hang with black. At a meeting in the evening, a vote of condolence with the Emrenor and Pace Gortscaakor? was unanimously agreed to, a subscription for the late inhabitants of Sebastopol was most liberally commenced. Three groans having been given for the murderers, Simpson and Pexissien, three hearty cheers for Russia were led off | by Mr. Baricur. | “PS. There is little doubt that on their return home, the British | troops will be lynch-lawed and their officers{beheaded.” “OH, BRING ME SHOWERS!” Ir never rains but it pours when the penny-a-limers are describing a | storm, and the newspapers are accordingly umndated with torrents of a most overwhelmyng character. A recent paragraph describes a series of showers in the Jura, which were distinguished by bailstones of the size of an egg, and the appearance of which must have been greeted with a - of, “ Hail, fellow, well met!” from the delighted dealer in paregrap s. We have no doubt that if the m question re- sembled eggs, their existence may be traced to some adjacent mare’s- nest. It is possible that the reporter may have somewhat exaggerated the violence of the showers; and although he cannot be accused of giving the reins to his imagination, it is mot unlikely that his imagina- , tion may have the principal source of the excessive rains he so copiously dilates—or dilutes—nupon. | Mr. Gladstone's Dog. WANTED, A RUSSIAN RETRIEVER, to retrieve the position of | Rassias. Address to the Kiowr How. W. E. Guaperown, Oxford. ' i | = HMM iq ®

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ly ii 4 SKETCHING FROM NATURE. Miss Raphael makes a study for her grand Picture, “ The Day after the Deluge.” POETIC REWARD. Tue Atheneum corrects an error of Mr. Punch, and Mr. Punch owns that he blushes for the mistake, albeit really not his, but the scurvy blunder of whosoever for the time being distributed the pensions to literature, art, and science. Mr. Punch \ately stated, that Miss Frances Browy (the Blind Poetess) was in the small enjoyment of £50 a-year. The gratification is not, it seems, half that amount, being no more than £20. The liberal, the literary (for the Viscount bas in his time dallied with quill and ink), the chivalrous Patmerston will, surely, on the next partition of the pension list, end this scandal. Twenty pounds per annum is (see Mr. Punch’s Pocket-Book) seven-and- eightpence per week, or one shilling and a penny farthing per day. How many a plain cook, whose genius stops short at the perfect boiling of a potato, rejoices in a larger mcome! It is even better to be maid-of- all-work to the Mowsrays of Baker Street than to the Muses of Parnassus. QUICKSILVER MARTYRS. Tue Greeks always paid great homage to Mercury, because he was the God of Thieves and of Merchandise, whence latter word came his name. It would seem that a hankering after this idolatry is still sup- posed to prevail among the modern (reeks, and an illustration of the | fact is found in the circumstance that certain Greek corn-merchants, in | one of our large towns, have been accused of not being able to keep their hands off a Barometer much consulted by folks whose corm traps- | actions are guided by the state of the w r. The suspected indi- | viduals have denied charge of tampering with the instrument, but we should have honoured them more had they admitted it (if true), and clamoured for the right of exercising their religious worship in a free country. This would have shown that Greeks make some pretence to | conscience, and the novelty of this discovery would render it doubly acceptable. A Letter for Doctor Pettigrew. Doctor Perticrew, of London, acknowledges the receipt, per post | from Somersetshire, of “a live lizard, measuring 19 inches in length ; | lively, after having undergone no less than eight post-oflice stampings. A live bluebottle, placed as food for the lizard, wag dead at the journey’s end.” This is all very well for an experiment, but we hope it will stop here. Otherwise, should the hint be maliciously improved upon, we may have porcupines delivered by post in their own letters, and hedge- hogs in their own envelopes. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | for Russia. | SONG OF THE ORGAN-GRINDER. I roam and wander o’er the Town, And where I see the straw put down e my t away, For there my music ’s sure to pay. Forth comes a servant from the door Which I pick out to play before, And gives me sixpence to move on, And get myself and music gone. He says his mistress is a-bed, And that the least noise splits her head ; Or master’s near his latest breath, And wants to die a quiet death. So off I walk, repeat the trick On some one else that’s lying sick, And thus my pockets often fill Ly plaguing people who are ill. isl Bs. ———_—_—> A Wedding-Ring in Difficulties. ly Cheshire, if a bride bake a cake with her ring in it, the person who gets that part of the cake that contains the ring will next be married. Last week, avers the Cheshire Chronicle, “a young man present took the piece of cake without know- ing the ring was in it, and ate both cake and ring.” Now, we beg to ask of Notes and Queries, if a nog so taken may be considered as in any way binding upon the party so swallowing it? For whena ring is so eaten, may there not be the whole mar- riage chain “to follow?” We have often heard of simple young men swallowing wedding-rings before they well knew it; but it is one thing to swallow a wedding-ring, and another to digest it. CHEAP TESTIMONIALS. A Testrwontat has been presented to jolly Sm Joun Tyssew Tyarett, in the shape of his own portrait painted by Lucas; and showing the best and most gratifying evidence of the fact that, —€ England is destroyed, crushed, wiped from the map of nations by the repeal of the Corn Laws, Sra Jony, like a protectionist and a philosopher, still looks gay and hearty, “ smiling at ruin.” We are glad that Six Jouw is favoured with his own picture; but in other cases would suggest a more economic style of testimonial. For in- stance, instead of giving a man his own portrait fixed in oils,—why not preseat him with a looking-giass ? “Enlarged at the Expense.” Our eye is continually falling on an advertisement relating to “the stomach and its difficulties.” We should find it no easy task to fill a book on the subject, but we believe that a great deal may be got into a very small compass where the stomach is concerned. ‘The difficulties of the stomach vary of course, according to the circumstances of the owner, for while with one class the difficulty is “how to fill it,” with another class the great object is to keep it within moderate dimensions. We have no doubt that the author fully understands his subject, and Rouaves numerous his readers, he would of course have “ stomach for them all.” “A Line must be Drawn.” Tae Exrzror or Russia, in his despatch on the downfall of Sebas- topol, thanks its valiant defenders even in their defeat, saying— “ There is a line which is impassable even to heroes!” That line has now been found the line in blue, and now the line in red. There is, however, another line, to be drawn in diplomatic ink ; a line to be traced in the new map to be prepared by the Western Powers Shah! Nonsense! We have carefully perused the Persian bong Seearmnny entered into between the Sean and the Emperor or Toe Frencu. We see no objection to it, except that in recounting the glories of the high con- tracting ies, it states that each “takes the Sua for a Standard. The Persian sovereign may know no better than this, but the Exprznoz is well acquainted with our journals, and ought not to have been described as capable of making such a blunder. He would be as likely to take the Record for a Punch.

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a 5. the “the fill a into a vulties of the ’ with S10NS- ch for Sebas- ine in nk; a lowers d into h con- dard.” PEROR » been likely Serremaer 29, 1855.} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 131 A CRUSADE AGAINST THE BUTCHERS. Somenopy is en- deavouring to get up a movement to bring the grazier and the consumer without the in- tervention of the butcher. We are not generally fa- vourable to the employment of a middie man, but we must say, that obliged to kill his own mutton, very few would enjoy | ing it. Wethere- | fore fee| that it is rather premature to recommend the abolition of the | butcher, as an intermediate between the owner of the animal and the individual who eats it. e confess we should feel considerable | inconvenience in having to kill the whole of our animal food, and we are quite sure that not one of our readers, who might wish for a pound of steak, would feel di te purchase and s ter an entire bullock. Such, howeyer, would be the case if the butcher were to be abolished, and every transaction in meat were to be an affair between the grazier and the oo k. wanes be hard, indeed, if LE gee Jy aya 2 me pork without buying an entire pig, ich wo going the whole hog in a most unequivocal manner. CAPTURE OF THE GREAT AMERICAN WATER-SNAKE. We may now very soon look for the capture of the Sea Serpent, seeing that as a sort of instalment of the “take,” the dwellers on the Silver Lake, near Perry Vi New York, did on the 12th of August harpoon and haul to land the Great American Water-Snake! There can be no doubt of the imteresting fact, all the circumstances being detailed with that precision, that delicacy of touch, that so distinguishes every American record of wonders and triumphs. When Niagara sub- | sided to a dead level, what other quill, save a quill from the American | eagle, could so truly have painted the catastrophe. A kindred pen—a| pen from the same pinion—traces the last moments of the Great American Water-Snake. The Snake, in an evil hour for himself, appeared to the whalemen provided with a harpoon. He was laying “quiescent on the surface,” when— “The iron whistled in the air, and went deep into his body!” Under these circumstances, prolonged quiescence was not to be expected ; assuredly not. Therefore— “Instantly the whole length of snake lashed the air !” That is, the snake bird-like raised its whole body in vacancy ; but only for a while, for he darted off, almost dragging the boat under , water. However, in due season, he was to land, when, as was very natural on their part— “Four or five ladies fainted on seeing the snake, who, although ashore, lashed his bedy into tremendous folds, and then straightened himself ont in agony, with a noise that made the earth tremble.” Barnum himself had shaken im his shoes at such a snake-quake. And now follows a most interesting description of the victim “ He ia fifty-nine feet eight inches im length, and has a most disgusting look. A a quarter of an inch thick covers his , and if removed is instantly replaced by exudation. The body is variable in size. head is the size of a full-grown calf.’ In fact, onetty Me size of the heads of the believers in the Fejece mermaid and in WasHINGTON’S negress nurse. _ “Within eight feet of the head, the neck gradually swells to the thickness of a foot in diameter. It then tapers down, and again gradually swells to a diameter of two feet in the centre, giving above six feet girth. It then tapers off towards the tail and ends 2 a fin, which can expand in fan shape three feet across or close in a sh-ath. Double tows of fins are alternately placed along the belly.” The “ fan-shaped fin” must havesome affinity to the mermaid ; whilst the “sheath” would imply, at least,'a distant relation to the sword-tish : “ The head is most singular. The eyes are large, staring, and terrific, with trans- parent m mbrane attached to the lids, protecting the eye without impeding the vision. No gills appear. The mouth is like that of the fish called a sncker. It can stretch so %6 to swallow a body a foot and a half in diameter.” In fact, about the same capacity of swallow as that required of the docile and elastic reader. | “When he rears his head (which he generally keeps under water) he presents a — inte connection | if every one were | the luxury of eat-| fearful aspect. In expanding his mouth, he exhibits a blood-red cavity, \orrible w look at, anu the air rushes forth with a heavy short puff.” There is this advantage in the last faculty of the Great Water-Snake for dealing in “ heavy, short puffs,” he will be able to write his own advertisements from the Museum in the Broadway, The “slime, that a quarter of an inch thick covers his body,” view him with ink : the supply, moreover, is inexhaustible ; for “ if removed, is instantly replaced by exudation. We have solicited the scientific opinion of the first ist of the day—need we name him—as to the classifieation!¥o this Water- Snake is clue; and have received the following brief Tt is my opinion, from the description supplied me of the Water-Snake, that it is only a huge specimen of a monstrous from a | ae ae yt pers There can _ eh roprietorship of the parents: the the nightmare co indubitably the property of — the written account thereof one of his heavy, but not veryshort, t ames THE SANHEDRIM OF WORCESTER. Wut Pharisees and hypocrites abound.on every side, All puff’d up with authority aud inseleneeand pride ! Poor old Natuawrer Wriiiams, of Alfrick, has been fined By a bench of Woreester magistrates belonging to that kind. Five shillings they inflicted, and twelve and: more, For costs, which is a heavy sum imease # man is poor ; And what do you imagine, now, was-old Narmanrac’s crime ? Why cutting wheat on Sunday, in stress and want of time. From morn till night was Wirarass in daily toil, The little piece of wheat, his own, mee) a been sure to spoil In case he had not eut it apon the Sabbath day ‘ For which the sham-Jew magistrates condemn d the man to pay. If one of these strict Rabbis an ox or ass possess’d That tumbled down a sink or well upon the Day of Rest, Till twelve o’clock at night there, of course, they ’d let him lie, And leave the brute to take his chance—most probably to die. The noses of these justices are very likely red, Their veins perhaps would mostly run port wine if they were bled ; They fill their bellies daily with the very best of meat, And they fined this man for cutting on Sunday food to eat. Some eighteen hundred years and more ago had they been born, They might have punish’d other men just so for plucking corn ; Who, through some fields in Palestine, when hungry, on their way, Began to pluck the ears of corn upon the Sabbath Day, A FULL MOON MADE FULLER. Ir is very hard that a Lory Mayor cannot go anywhere, even to visit a private friend, without his beg at once treated as a goose, and stuffed accordingly. The other day Lory Mayon Moon went to see an old acquaintance in a quiet way at , when the inhabi- tants of the . insisted upon blowing him out with a quantity of cakes, for which it seems the neighbourhood is remarkable. We really think the Corporation should protest against the notion that its head is | all mouth, and that the Lonp Mayor is ready to perform a series of | disgusting feats of gormandising wherever he presents himself. It is, moreover, especially hard that when the City potentate rushes | out of London to take breath, after the continued consumption of green and other fats, he should be taken as it were by the throat, and crammed with the puffy, stuffy cakes of sweet-toothed Congleton. We have never had an opportunity of analysing a Congleton cake, but we are quite sure that any kind of paste must lie heavily) on any part of such a Corporation as that of the City of London. EMPLOYMENT FOR WOMEN. | We want two or three Women Judges, Female Juries, and Lady-like Barristers to try and adjudicate certain evil-doers, whose sins are not duly appreciated by mere men. Further, we want a prison with a Female Governor, and Female Turnkeys. Among the most efficient troops of the Kuve or Danomey is his regiment of Amazons; a very terror to his enemies. Considering this, Mr. Punch proposes, that all brutes guilty of beating their wives, should be committed by Lady Magistrates, tried before a Lady Chief-Justice, convicted by Gentle- women of the Jury ; and when sentenced, to be given into the custody of strong-minded women. Punishment upon marital brutes will never be duly carried out, unless by funetionaries chosen from the sex so cryingly outraged. ‘To the hands of the avenging Beauties would we render up all the offending Beasts.

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— _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Serremere 29, 1855, KNIGHTHOOD OF THE STEAM-BATH. Tue Order of the Bath is an order of chivalry almost as oddly named as the Order of the Garter. One would think it should rather be the sowaed of Sirty. Seingo than of netie | deeds. The Order of the Bath is a proper sequence of a committal fo Se one ae and paaes | behaviour is suitably tee a ducking. bath is a very good and a very comfortable thing: is alae % 80 18 an arm-chair, so is a hot-water bottle _ other domestic emg ol whieh, ania warlke achievements, or any yaar Wants magnanimous actions, are sim What so Bath can that be the Ove Order esteemed a fitti reaompenan fp Ga soles Ms ths hences cho teeghe tela | to It appears to be a epee Beth,.s Ei decigned promote ee means thereof, are | subjected to that process to certain Semitic persons are accused of being accustomed to . and | with similar results. Admission into the costs the Knight Grand Cross £164 13s. 4d.; that is to the Knight on whom that. honour i erred is ‘let i it for that. amount. This | various persons employed called Bath-King-at-Arms, for example, sacks two separat portions of it, amounting to £28 130. 4d. The — of the Order pockets 6s. 8d.; the Gentleman | as Poet aa same sum. The Messenger walks off ~ 8 | Registrar. and Genealogist | would suppose that the service | consists in sham of him. What does a man then, for bleeding for his country who gets the Order of the wath? He gets antiphlogistic treatment. Having lost blood, he has to swallow a sudorific. A Generous Enemy. Parnce Gortscnakorr takes credit to himself and his _ THE FAGGING SY¥STEM.—TRIUMPH OF MIND OVER MATTER. Old Gent, “AD PRAY WHO 18 YOUR PHIEND WHER em -Compan Pot!” a heap Small Boy. “ Taat! Ow! He's ur Fso—He Gets wm wv Breagrast AND SUCH stained rains” for the reception of the Allies. We are very | tixe, sot | AUWAYS Leave mmx some CRUMPsTS—aND—weren svsty win! much obliged to him. A BARGAIN ON HORSEBACK. ROUT OUT OF A ROBBER’S DEN. We are always happy to assist in the comes a problem; and, ERE is the inventory | although we think that th he following i neubte should have heen repub- as published by the rogg | by our excellent contemianany Notes and Queries, rather than by Moniteur, of the naval | Mr. Punch, still, we cheerfully submit it for the er elannsiea of ike and military goods and world. The demand appeared in the Stamford Mercury. The chattels left behind names of the parties seeming to aS the a ioqniry in by the Russians at question, we substitute asterisks, in order that the philosophical world ~ : bastopol : | may proceed, unimpassioned, to the abstract problem. = : “Connon, 4000; Ditto | : . “# Balls, 50,000; Hollgw Pro CAUTION! | : : Ss & few; Grape, s HEREAS I, * * * *, of * * * *, Farmer, on the 10th day of »\ : quantity; Gunpow- September, 1856, sold to Mr.**** *** *, of © ** *, warmer, all my old P | der, a great amount; Cop Wheat, at £5 per quarter, and he wished me to get off my horse to sign the bargain, | - vy = whieh I did ; and then, after it was wrote, he refused to sign !—Is that « Geantionan, or | => : “/ 4 >= = power, two; Bliniages, s what! (Signed) A : = " = Bacay We would rather abstain from giving our own opinion at the present, 4m Me ae. = F e stage of the investigation; but we incline to the pantry that st ~ ae aN eA: : As the items, sfor _ is rather to be considered a pronoun than a lo and we canpot | at all assent to the view that it is what. teresting points arise. on considering the above — ee It may res sarmised from the allusion to the horse, that t | other party told ee ee toa | pam A rearbey het but (the ater, Bet | something to do with the wrotation as we proceed ; and we invite everyone ame «me - se & & oe & Ge eee Rengbe te wa: 6f, |b Aeeiee.

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5. Ocrozer 6, 1855.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 133 A. THE DISTILLER IN DIFFICULTIES. CRIMINAL PREFERENCE. I D EB we informed by 8 _ ars in a weekly contemporary, ; : cats “ Many of our most active thieves now fer immediate punishment under the new | oble , ogg a seared act, instead of the tormer cyotsn of delay.” - Pnee of Inland Revenue} This statement must afford ification to every reader. Any legis- eful | have published, for | lative improvement which tends to the facilitation of commerce—the =m | the guidance of Su- | equivalent of thieving, according to court poets—must be welcome to | f 80 | rvisors and Distil-|a commercial population. The “delay,” which used to impede the ) are ers, a book of in-|“ activity” of operations in silk, specie, purse-leather, and other articles, a to) structions: in which | was much to be deplored, and we doubt not that the amended “system ” > occurs the following will be found to have an invigorating effect the markets, especially i 8 direction :— those in Field Lane and Houndsditeh, ‘Could any further plan be ting | “The windows of the | suggested for preventing the unnecessary shackling of commerce, or fore mill-room, if not glazed, | commercialists?’ A Thieves’ Clearing-House, perhaps, might be advan- 1 te| must have coverings of | tageously established, and the banking experience of en eminent and | metal and be co secured | Saintly prig—now in durance—would naturally point him out for its | , are that no malt ean be re-| Superintendent, when the expiration of certain probable engagements | od a —— shall permit him again to give his attention to business. In the | Bath in, and the dor exust not | meantime we trust that the Magistrates will do their best to carry out | be opened for his ingress | the intention of the Legislature, and with as little “delay” as possible $8Yy or egress oftener than | consign “many of our most active thieves” to the sphere in which me ence in {hres hour, "4 | their activity may have the amplest rcope, and where Whips and Cranks nong writing, ‘cmat in cases | Way reward its “ wanton wiles.” odd of emergency.” i a wa et SP : n The | Poor man! Siow te Bot cults tie enmeg inom! The Board d eman does not, we suppose, require that anybody shall be in attendance out- ———s with side the door to open it, in the event of an “emergency” occurring to fh PLAM A} The the man. What is he tc do? Write a formal demand for liberation | Wh LL Li) One and it under the door—for he will be unable to throw it out of ae omnes Soe 6Sig rsons window—and take the chance of its getting picked up and conveyed to Tie / \ o do the key-keeper? Or shout and scream, proclaiming the ground of his | y 1 out = be released in a loud voice ?— But suppose his emergency were Wi apoplexy ! : i antry spirituous Scotch friend furnishes us with two other notable gistic precepts from the same code ; viz., firstly :— | A ow & “The sacks in which malt is removed must be free from patches or holes, and the| folds of the seams must be in the inside. The mouth of each sack is to be secure! ly closed by the trader with strong cord, sewn or fastened to the bagging, and when | passing twice at least round the neck.” ; That a sack of malt should be free from holes is not merely very | M) | ‘abi desirable, but absolutely necessary. But one would think that the is urchaser might be safely left to take care of that. Caveat emptor. the folds of the seams of the sack should be in the inside is mani-! | } very fest, but the Inland Revenue Board might have been saved the trouble | | of making an express order to that effect by the consideration, that) ‘ Seen there is hardly anybody who would be likely to turn the seamy side outwards. | Secondly :— “ With a packing needle, a piece of red tape is to be drawn through a fold in the | mtory neck of the sack, drawn tight round the neck, and tied in a double knot, the ends are | the then to be passed through the small holes of a leaden seal, the tape drawn tight and | y tied in another double knot, when the lead is to be shifted, so as to cover the last paval named knot, aud the seal is to be firmly closed upon it, with an impression of the die | is and with which each officer is to be furnished.” ehind The great Macedonian cut-throat and robber, the namesake of the | | is a esent Emrzror or Russia, contrived to deal with the Gordian knot ates it. . pet bes oD be — has to hy : - Ditto ly, however, t isti ill treat the Government knot as the , 2 righ despoiler treated the Gordian, and cut the thing. Being Daves and A BRILLIANT TRANSLATION. Eee. not (Epirus, he will never attempt to solve such a puzzle as the formula | =a: ie Res - Well 3 Cop above quoted ; which the Commissioners of Inland Revenue had better, 1** Britisher (with intense pronunciation). “Cahfay Flahmarng— We anes: send in for publication in the next edition of the Boys’ Own Book, | now, what do you say to a glass of bitter beer at this Flaming Corfy.” , on accompanied, of course, by an explanatory disgrem. It will not have | ——— —EEE _ r. escaped observation, that the ligament by which this wonderful knot ‘ above iY to be tied on the malt-sack, by order of Government, is Red Tape. NOT QUITE POSTED UP. re to the sual to’ Red Tape! for thas application. Red Taye to the sack—| Ovr affectionate cousins in America so seldom give us credit for an | a ; being in advance of themselves in the smallest matter, that it is doubly | ne 7 vexing, when they do condescend to peace ws, to aa ie ie unde- ee ‘ r served. A case of this kind occurs in t e of New York papers. ucifer- GERMAN DOMESTIC ECONOMY. A fearful railway catastrophe massacre” —the New York Herald black How is it, that in the German hotels they never give you any more more justly calls it, had elicited a very severe article from the Editor, | ‘og one towel ? who vehemently denounced the cupidity and negligence of railway | ea 0 _How is it, that they are just as liberal with their water?—the quantity Directors, and the inefficiency of the laws to compel them to provide so given being the proportion that in England is generally put into a for the public safety. The article might be transferred, bodily, to a | -glass ? | London paper, 4 propos of any of the “ massacres” which have recently | | How is it, that at dinner they only give you one knife and fork to do taken place on our own lines. The only which, we are truly | duty for about five-and-forty dishes, consisting of every possible variety | sorry to say, would have to be ex would be the New Yor of irnt, game, pastry, fruit, e, pickle, and cabbage ? erage statement, that “for lesser offences against public safety, lelled f this is the cleanli if this is the system of domestic economy | British Railway Directors have been imprisoned for a term of years.” | practised by the Germans in their best hotels, where everything is open We no more think of punishing rich and respectable people than our a to the criticism of strangers, we tremble to think what can be the state| American cousins do. We send engine-drivers, pointamen, station: | as of cleanliness, and what must be the awful destitution of domestic) masters, and such like canaille to prison “for a term,” but a Railway _ economy, practised by them in their own homes ! | Director—the really guilty party—imprison him / “ No, our fair cousin | pe Cary of VOL, XXIx. P

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. EVERYBODY’S OPINION. sn Orn Ponca, the Crimea with our trench-loving Generalissimo. “ Yours to command, “Joun Ramaop, (—— Rifles).” RACHEL AND JONATHAN. Racwet—France will be happy to hear it—has given satisfaction in America. Just before her début, the Yankee critics very properly re- marked, that a most important epoch in her life was approaching, and that the question, whether she were “clever” or not, was to be settled by “an audience as intellectual and subtle as that which first sat in jndgment upon her.” Indeed, the value of the test was increased by the fact,—recorded in the same papers—that the American mind was a tabula rasa in regard to her, and that the intellectual and subtle audience assembled in some doubt as to what they were to see or hear, one journal having described her as “ a great danseuse,” and another having congratulated “the lovers of good music” upon her arrival. However, New York has now found out—and of course talks as glibly of the discovery as if it were of ancient date—that there were some French Dramatists called Ractwe and CorwerLie, who wrote “the most boring plays ever heard in America,” and that Racuet really delivers their language brilliantly, and with avery pure French accent. Nay, rushing into extremes, as usual, the Americans actually find histrionic merit in the bundle of Hebrew sticks whom Racuet takes about with her to fill the other characters, the innocent Yankees being unaware that all the acting permitted to those articles is the acting as foils to herself. Let it be added, that Racwex’s slight figure has been daly appreciated, and that the leading New York critic describes it as, “ very light physical timber.” Puach felicitates Paris upon the endorsement of its bills—play-bills—by New York. The Jumping Wafer. Tae priests in France now announce a new miracle about twice a- week. The last is a jump which the “ wafer” made, in church, from the hand of a person who ought not to have touched it, to the missal of a very devout lady, and thence into her mouth, which happened, provi- dentially, to be open at the time. This was clever, for a wafer, though we confess the greater miracle seems to be, that a priest should print such a story and not be sent to St. Pélagie as a rogue, + to Bicétre as a foo!. However, the Jumping Wafer is the last addition to the repertoire of the Roman Catholic Wizard of the South, and is a worthy companion to the Winking Vircin. * Sebastopol, Catherine Street. “T ary’? an Artist, and I ain’t an Author—but this is owr idea of what ought to [Octoper 6, 1855. PITY FOR THE FOE. Lay the might of Russia low ! “ Pity for the prostrate foe?” No, my Brient, my GLapsToneE, no : Russet, GRAHAM, say not so. Let Ambition’s mangled slave, Cruel, barbarous, but brave, Not in vain for mercy crave ; Him, the unit, spare and save. But what pity for the horde And their Czar, on earth who peur’d Forth the plague of fire and sword, Can humanity afford ? Pity, such as that we take, On the erush’d and writhing snake, Smitten, in a thorny brake, With a strong arm and a stake. Pity ?—yes, indeed; the same As, his sting about to aim At his own head, girt with flame, The poor scorpion too might claim. Pity—as 7 do ie fall ; Of a tiger shot—his spraw And his frantic dying squall, And his glaring green eyeball. Oh, the lost, the brave, the ! Ob, the waste of noble kvl Pity Russia !—he who could, Would he like a leg of wood ? “ Pity for the fallen great ? ” Psbaw !—that hackey’d cant abate, Strike, with all your strength and weight, And sirike down the Robber State! A Corrrevr’s Discovery.—No wonder that we hear of curling Smoke, when it has the fire-irons applied to it so repeatedly ! GERMAN CRITICISM. (Compounded from certain popular Berlin recipes.) Ir a German critic were describing some of our most popular per- formers, it would be probably thus that he would largely qualify them: Bensamiy Wenster, Esq.— The neyeramessmakingBenjaminwith Napoleonheadedand N apoleonmindedgeniusthatallthingstouchingandallt hingsadorningwithequaitalentonthe British Publicasonthefiddleplays.” E. Wricut, Esq.—“ The jollyjovialwinkinggaggingdearmopsy wopsy bricksywicksysonof Momus withstitchinthesideprovokinghumourandfrom overlaughterdeepthirstonly with beertobequenchedexcitingtalentthatoften witbhis ‘Boy Believingyou’roundasabarrelribbed Paulinendlessmazesoffun losesitself.” Miss Wooregar.— The manysidedfacilelitheblithe Proteanplasticwo nderbeaut iful boy girlwomanfairydevilposchergipsytigerandmostaccompli shedactresseverdancinceversing inglaughinggailyandbeau‘ifullysighinger yingdyingsuchasatal|timesonourkneesevenwithoutapockethanakerchieft okneeluponcannever besufficientlyadmired.” S. Prexrs, Esq :—“ The manageractormightymajesticmagneticmirth fulinthedivinerealmsofheavenly Shakspearedomwithoutarivalnearthethro nereigninghighestei! herwiththeearso! Bottomourfanciesirresistiblytotick! eorwiththewandof Prosperoourheartsgentlytotouchwithgeniustintedquab tieseminently gifted.” Mrs. KeeLtey.—“ The domesticquainttragicfamiliarextravagantnatur alkillingmeltingexstacyproducingskytransportingspoutascendingchimne ydescendingkitchenstirringparlourmovingatticconvulsingkidglovesplitti ngbuttonburstingandheart yappetiteforouroystersuppersprovokingactres sdeeply honouredandofoneof England’ ssmailestbutgreatest comediansofth enameo! RoperTbutmorefamiliarlyas Bop K ££ LEYknowntheequallyhonou redwife.” “That Air Three Pacts.” (From an American Paper.) “ Wasnixeton’s tomb is in ruins and mire,” “ BaRwum’s new mansion ’s as fine as can be.” Moral—That Yankeedom approbates higher The “selling” one’s fellows than setting them free. ) 28 Waa...

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rT. th It sy 1m ev un w0 pli ft th iro oki tur ne tti es th ou Octosrr 6, 1855.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON A HINT FROM THE ANTIPODES. Cn ii on ~~ THE representative of Royalty ~~ ~ in Victoria has been ac- cused of shabbiness in an entertainment given at the Government House, — where the beer is said to have been lamentably small; the negus something less than negatively weak ; the trifle trifling in quantity, very soberest character We can understand the desire of his Excellency to set a lesson of economy in a country running over with gold, where the ruling vice is likely to consist in a tendency to the most val- gar display and tasteless extravagance We are therefore not dispesed to be very hard on a Gover- nor, who gives a cheap and wholesome lemonade to a population saturated with strong drinks: and who offers limited supplies of “twopenny” to a crowd, whose usual beverage is described by the greatest possible combinations of the letter X, or consists of other still more stimulating compounds. It says little for the ¢lile of society in Melbourne, who would pro- hably be the quests at the Governor's ball, that they and the tipsy-cake of the } CHARIVARI. 135 best of the squibs which have been let off, like a sma shower of damaged fireworks on a damp day, at the expense of the Governor -— | ETURN BALL.—To His Excellency the Governor of Victoria, SIR CHARLES HOTHAM, K.C.B., Rear Admiral the Blues Several Gentlemen being Highly Gratified with their reception at TOORAK HOUSE. on the evening of the 24th of May last, the Au: versary of the Birth Day of HER MOST GRACIOUS MAJESTY THE QUEEN And having fully appreciated the Lesson of Economy which [is Exeeliency so gracious!y and /eelingly tanght them that evening, have entered into arrangements with Ma. Currreme, to give a RETURN BALL to His Exce'lency, On the 96th of June next ) And are happy to say that, in order to bring it within the reach of all parties, Tickets are ls. each. Ladies Free This seems to be a discharge of very smal! shot against Sie Caantes Horuam’s Ball, and it is only fair to the | Governor to say, that if he exhibits economy in his public entertainments, it is not for the sake of pecuniary profit to himself; for while he practises retrenchment on thos beneath him, he sets the good example of voluntarily relinquishing a portion of his own salary. In a eolon) where animal indulgences are eagerly sought, while inte! lectual pursuits are almost entirely neglected, a lesson of abstinence from the grosser kind of gratifications should be regarded as a subject of encouragement rather than a th: for ridicule. Even in our own more civilised society, a wholesome example would be set by any one in high quarte who would hold out some nobler inducement than gluttony to bring people together. Somebody has already introduced the fashion of “ dancing teas,” and we wish somebody else would boldly establish “ boiled-beef-and-beer balls,” in op position to those extravagant quadrille suppers which half ruin the host, while damaging the digestion of his visitors. Plain Pacts for Plain People. Ir is a question, whether a Physician holds his hand out to a Patient when he comes with half so much pleasure a when he goes. Clamoured against the The Man in Armour fancies you are staring at him, feebleness of the beers supplied at the Governor's table. [t is clear, however, whereas he is inside the armour, and you cannot well see that he has deeply wounded the feelings of the Victorians by not mi their animal appetites, and the disappointment has been the subjec witticisms which do not say much for the state of waggery in Australia. The following advertisement, extracted from one of the Melbourne papers, THE WOMEN’S FRIEND SOCIETY. Tr is not very easy, if we look abroad upon the world, to find a more atrocious kind of savages than the Russians; wretches who fire on their own comrades, if in murdering them they have a chance of shooting their enemies ; miscreants who bayonet ,their crippled helpless antagonists ; demons who set the haunt they are expelled from on fire, and leave their own miserable sick and wounded men to burn alive in the ruins The subjects of the Krxe or Danomey, or those of the Sovereign who rules the roast of the Cannibal Islands, may be a little more disgusting in their customs, but in conduct they are not at all more barbarous than the slaves of the Czar or Muscovy. A more anticelestial set of brutes than the Russians we do not see in the world if we look abroad. No; but ruffians of a yet lower grade are to be found by anybody who will look at home. He has only to walk into the London slums, when his ears will be assailed by the most hideous yells, the most revolting words, and the most blasphemous curses, uttered by those ruffians, aod mingled with the most piercing and dreadful screams, which proceed from women whom they are beating, kicking, and trampling to death, and who are their wives. A Russian female has, or had, on the occasion of ber marriage, to present the male with a whip, usually manufactured by herself, in token of her subjection to the stronger brute: but it does not appear that even the Muscovite serf is accustomed to thrash his wife with quite the frantic ferocity of the British blackguard. The outrageous maltreatment of women is becoming a specific crime, which will soon, probably, acquire a distinctive title in legal nomen- clature. The criminal will perhaps be formally indicted for Woman- battery; and provision that, if convicted of that dastardly offence, bh shal! be duly punished, should be the object of an Association hereby proposed, to be called the SocreTy ron THE PREVENTION or CRUELTY To Women. It is quite clear that the object of this Society ean be accomplished Only m one way, namely, by securing for the cowardly offender the nistering to him. The truth is, you are looking at the armour outsid t of various the man. A Bell is a handy hint, when a Bore will not take any is about the | other hint to go. infliction of an extreme and acute amount of bodily suffering, pain, and unpleasantness. Whipping is for brutes; and only for those brutes that are incor rigible by any other means. A dog ought not to be whipped for any purpose which could be answered by coaxing. But the habit of walking on two legs, and the faculty of speech, are not sufficient to constitute a human being; and the brute who beats women has no sensibility to appeal to but that of his skin. He cannot be degraded ; he has sunk to the zero of baseness, and is fit for nothing but to be lacerated by the cat-of-ninetails, that he may how! and scream, and stand as a scarecrow for a warning to other brutes like himself. The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Women should en leavour to get a whipping-clause added to the Women’s Protection Act as soon as possible If the Whip will not suffice, add the Pillory. It will not demoralise the populace to cast any filth on a recipient much fitter for it than any cavity or corner, A Portunate Scotchman. At a meeting held at the Gordon Hotel, Covent Garden, for the purpose of getting up a Testimonial to Sin Coances Narten, a geatle- man, named Lawkence, is reported to have remarked that-— “ He believed that a brave man had been basely treated, end that certain incapable members of the Government bad been allowed to go Seot-free when they ougit to have received chastisement.” The head of those ineapable members, Lonp Auerpern, is a Scot who has gone more than Seot-free. The noble but anile Karl has gone Scot-gartered. A MARRIAGE QUESTION. Iv a man addicted to smoking marries a widow, does it follow that he must lay down his pipe, beeause she gives up her Weeds ? re 0 we ae er

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI [Octosen 6, 1855. | DIRTY JEMMY. Tuere is a naughty dirty boy Who wants the sense of shame ; The Queen has had him in employ ; His name is Jemmy Gaawam. He’s always getting in a mess; His hands, his head, bis face, Bedaub’d all over, and his dress : For ever in disgrace. And when he’s in that nasty state He does what ’s nastier still ; A trick which I dare scarce relate, Lest it should make you ill. In fear of punishment and stripes, And loss of cake and toys, This miry varlet goes and wipes Himself on other boys! To Master Layarp, Jemmy Granam Attempted so to do; And then he basely tried the same On Cuartey Napier too. EIGHT HUNDRED HEADS TO A SERMON. Ly 1798, says the dunual Register, “ Eight hundred heads |of Frenchmen were exhibited before the Seraglio in Con- stantinople.” In 1855, a good many more were to be seen in the same place, with the advantage of having stalwart bodies attached to them. The Suxtay has discovered tisat the Seraglio itself is all the safer from his importing his Frenchmen entire, and this advance in commercial science | warrants us in hoping for further progress—even the | | exportation of the “old Turkish party” one of these days. | | This is the most objectionable old party we ever heard of, | worse than Mas. Harris herself, or her Protectionists, and | the sooner its heads—we mean, of course, its leaders—are sailing down the Bosphorus, the better, under the direction THOSE HORRID BOYS AGAIN. of their friend, the new and bigoted Caroopaun Pasma. We know that the Surran has Punch read to him, and | Precise Female (in answer to a rude inquiry). “You ane A VERY Iupeativent we" trust that he will excuse this hint: we make no | Bor !--You KNOW PER#ECTLY WELL, THaT [? 1S 4 MATTER OF NO MOMENT TO YoU scruple in poking him Bp for his , as the Turkish is wo MY Harrgr 1s!” the only Porte benefited by being shaken up. - | whether the privileges of the press include the entrée to the domestic | BOW, WOW, wow ! | circle of Royalty ; for we frequently meet with paragraphs which have ot . — produced perhaps ninepence to the narrator, and which profess to One of the features of the m nuisance ” which appears to have | record facts that can by their nature be known to no other than the | escaped notice, is that occasioned by the newspapers themselves when penny-a-liner and the Sovereign. they become the organs of twaddle. A weekly contemporary, which Sis se AS . seems to have what the French call a spécialité for the gossip of |= | servants, and the other “ kitehen stuff” of the Court, produced last | | Masesty had been pleased to indigitate. How the dog found his week from its collection of lit perquisites an account of the QuEEN | having entered an apartment at St. Cloud, during her recent visit, and | remarked to the Emperor, “If my own little dog were lying in that | chair, | would assuredly fancy myself at Windsor.’ In the first place, it is not likely that Her Masesty would have | been so ungracious to her Imperial host, as to have expressed any hankering alter Windsor while on a visit to the French capital. There are, however, more absurdities as the story proceeds; for we are told | that on the Queen’s entering the apartment the next morning the | “canine favourite” was sleeping on the identical chair, which Her | way to Paris is a mystery that is solved by the statement, that “the Emperor had telegraphed for the animal, which being sent off by express, arrived in time to surprise apd delight its Royal mistress.” Of course there must have been special trains on both sides of the Channel, | with a special steamer to cross it, and special attendants to take charge of the pet, who must have been sent specially to sleep, in order to secure its position on the chair specially selected by the Queen for canine occupation. When all these little difficulties are got over, there yet remains the puzzling question, how the facts came to be known to the newspaper reporter, whose information must, in the first instance, have proceeded directly from either the Quzgn or the Emperor? Did | | Louis Naroteoy tell the Lord-in-Waiting to tell the fluokey to tell | | ' the “ own correspondent” of the weekly priat, or did Victoria write | off the facts with her own hand for the enlightenment of the Court | organ ? Nurse. “Derat tHe Curtp! Whur cay’?t YER WALK /—YER We never peruse paragraphs of this description without wondering | MORE PLAGUE THAN ALL My Monzr!” ND

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Ocrtoser 6, 1855. — ena cena eal MAS SS ~SUS SS 10 ‘ | SS ic ye to aC — | — ——-. ) | TINT > % : ine ne TT , A DAY’S FISHING AT SEBASTOPOL. Jack, “HI! JIM, BRING THE LANDING NET—BLOW’D IF I HAIN’T HOOKED ANOTHER SEVENTY-FOUR.” — = 1]

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PU NC H, Ok THE Octoper 6, 1855.) PROOFS THAT PARLIAMENT IS UP. (With a Sub-Editor’s Compliments.) HERE is an old lady now living at Sherborne who has attained the age of ninety-six years, having been born in 1759. She has therefore lived in five reigns; namely, those of GeorGe THe Sz- conD, Grorce THe THIRD, )} GeorGe THE Fovatu, Wr- ' yam THE Fourtu, and Our | Gracious QUEEN, the present occupant of the throne of these regions. | Tue steeple of Little Con- } gleton Church, Gloucester- shire, used to be repeatedly struck by lightning, which is in the habit of falling upon elevated points, but it has not been touched for exactly thirty years. Some of the oldest inhabitants at- tribute this to a conductor having been put up in 1825. Tue weather has been so unusually mild this autumn, that in various parts of the country, cages of canaries, Ly ring-doves, Java sparrows, and other domestic favour- ites, have been left out of doors during the entire night without doing the animals any injury. From the circumstance of several flights of birds, on the peculiar ecies of which our informants differ, having passed over Salisbury Pia in, apparently on their way to the sea, the observers of the weather in that part of England are inclined to believe, that there will be a good deal of severe weather either before or after Christmas. As some labourers were lately digging in a field near oats rsham, the spade of one of them struck upon a substance, which being disin- terred, proved to be the blade of a knife. There is no evidence as to the date of its being deposited, but the Reverenp Wriiiam Bones, F.S.A. (in whose domain it was discovered), has deciphered the letters k. 0. G. B. R. upon it, and considers that it may have belonged to Rocer 3ACON, who is known to have visited Petersham. Wuat might have been a melancholy accident took place at Worthing last Monday. A small boat, capable of holding about eight persons, broke away from her anchorage on the sand, and drifting out to sea, nearly capsized. Fortunately there were no persons in her (though as late as the previous Saturday she had taken a party out for a row), and she was ultimately recovered by a shrimper. Tue Gentlemen of the Long Robe will, it is whispere »d, derive more satisfaction from an action about to be brought at the next assizes, to be held not a hundred miles from * * * * *, than a gallant gay Lothario who will be the defendant, and who, it ‘is said, will be taught, by a verdict for breach of promise of marriage, that though “a Ros by any other name might sm ell as sweet,” still that “the labour,” the learned counsel “ delight in” wiil decidedly ‘ ‘physic Payne.” We say no more. Verbum sap.

THE RUSSIAN PIG-MARKET. Aw old English saying expresses a man’s incurring unpleasant con- sequences through any speculative proceeding, by describing him as having driven his pigs to a pretty market. According to “A SuNDER- LanD Maw,” writing to the 7imes, there are certain Sunderland swine- merchants who deserve to find that they have driven their pigs to a market of that sort. It appears that, t the present time there are many thousand tons of pig iron lying on the quays of Sunderland Dock: this iron is being (and has been d ring the year) shipped off for Stettin. The captains of the Prussian vessels say: ‘We carry it to Prussia, it then walks off to Russia. Are there no means, by an Order in Council, for instance, of walking off such pigs as these into Hen Masesty’s arsenals, and their pro- prietors into some of Hen Maszsty’s prisons, hulks, or penal settlements ? A Hivt to Mepicat Cossiers.—When the Mind ’s diseased, it’s frequently not healing a man wants so much as fresh-souling. ee LONDON CHARIVARI. 139 FIGHTING DOG EXTRAORDINARY. WonberrvL! will be the ejaculation of some people, whilst others perhaps will invoke ee name of WALKER, on reading a very extra ordinary story of a fighting dog related by the Gazette of Trieste. At _ py of the Tchernaya, according*to that journal, as quoted by the Post W hile the struggle was at its hottest, « large dog belonging to CoLowagn Merruays, of the 73rd Regiment of the Line, broke his chain, and rushed into the midst of the combatants. Having saved the lives of a sergeant and a soldier, and made three Russians prisoners "—

This twofold feat we presume the sagacious animal accomplished by the single act of seizing the three Russians who were going to shoot the two Englishmen. He probably managed the matter by grasping them all three between his fore-paws ; which he must have been a large dog to do: but it would have required a still larger dog to hold three men at once in his mouth. Without, however, stopping to explain this little difficulty, the Trieste paper proceeds— “he received a severe bullet wound in the leg, notwithstanding which, he continued in the field, and grappling with an officer among the enemy brought him to the ground, and secured his capture.” This clever dog not only brought his prisoner to the ground, but, when he had got him there, secured him—by what means our Trieste contemporary omits also to state; no doubt by tying his hands and legs together with his own sash. It is astonishing what dogs can be trained todo. ‘The reader will be gratified by the information that— “ After the battle the leg of the animal was carefully dressed by an army surgeon, and it is said that he will receive a medal, in token of the fidelity and prowess which he displayed.” There will not be wanting some persons who will be of opinion that a bone, perhaps, would have been a more suitable reward for this valiant dog than a medal. But he could not have wanted bones. He had doubtless killed a great many Russians in the course of the day, and eaten all he had killed, and a very proper meal for such a consumer are the brutes who bayonet our wounded, and fire upon our ambu- lances removing their own. The breed of this remarkable animal is not mentioned. Displaying so much bull-dog courage and enormous strength, he may reasonably be presumed to have been a bull-dog of gigantic size; a bull-dog much exceeding the magnitude of an ordinary bull. THE LOWEST SCALE OF BORROWING Ss ENE— Bohemia in Paris Confirmed Borrower. | sax, my dear fellow, I want you to lend me twenty francs. Friend. 1’m sorry I eannot—I haven’t got so much. Confirmed Borrower. Well, then, let me have ten. Friend, | can’t let you have even ten. Confirmed Borrower, But, on second thought, five will do. Friend. Five is equally impossible. Confirmed Borrower. Come, you’ve got a two-franc piece, surely ? Friend, No—the fact is, | have nothing at all. Confirmed Borrower. Botheration ! it’s deuced provoking! You see | am very unwell, and I don’t mind telling you, | wanted the money merely to buy some medicine ; you haven’t by chance got such a thing about you asa couple of Cocxxe’s Pills or draught that you could lend a poor devil until to-morrow morning ? Friend. Yes, as good luck will have it, I’ve got the very thing—and I’m sure they are both perfectly at your service. Never mind, you needn’t trouble yourself about returning them. Exit Cosyinmep Borrower, with the Pills, quite elated at the thought that his visit has not been alt: agether in vain, as he has heen able at last to borrow something / THE GAEL IN THE HEATHER, At the late Gathe ring of Highlanders before the Castle of ‘Mar, he principal Highland Clans were not present. A few Mac Kenzizs, Mu Ix Tos#eEs, and other clansmen of the more familiar denominations, attended and danced about the swords which they might as well, or yerhaps better, have been wielding; but the races by which the Scottish lighlands are now mainly peopled kept aloof. Fercus Mac Ivon was present with his retinue, but Cervus Mac Exarnus and his kindred, the Red Deer H ghlanders, who have supplanted the Mac Grecors, did not honour the company with their presence. The clans Mac Carercariziz, and Mac Praamioan, or the Grouse Highlanders, also absented themselves. Some Faazens showed; but not a single a vt made his appearance : neither did any one individual of the great C Bos; and there was an equal paucity of the wool-clad represen- atives of Clan Ovis

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| | | able to get to the top of Mont Blanc by such a mode of elevation. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Octoser 6, 1855. THE NUDE IN RAILWAYS. | A curions difficulty has accompanied the opening of | railway traffic in India, The Mofussilite—a very smartly | edited paper, hy the way—apprises us that the natives have | an objectionable custom of taking aticket—and nothing else | | —for their journey, or, in other words, that they insist upon | getting into the trains either in puris naturalibus, or with | such aa apology for clothing as is more to be deprecated | than the statuesque negation of raiment. A Bahoo seems to | | have been pitched out of a carriage for such Arcadianism, | |and to have brought an action against his ejector. We | hardly know what ground he will take, unless he puts for- | | ward the legal fiction, that, having purchased his place, he | | was what the law calls, “clothed with the freehold,” but | | whether the Indian courts will consider this a sufficient | travelling costume, we cannot say. The Directors should put in the corner of their tickets, as our theatrical managers do on private box-orders, “ Full Dress,” and an Indian Jew might turn an anna by keeping a stall at each station, and letting out costumes, varied in price and elegance, according to the class of carriage to which a traveller aspired. It is | odd, that while the Crystal Palace people are assailed by silly folks, for not attiring their casts, the people whose | castes are the originals, renounce attire. However, we trust | that the difficulty will be amicably adjusted, and that when | our Indian friends take a ride in the Company’s carriages, | they will remember their company manners. Every elephant | | they pass on the line should remind them that a trunk is | essential, and they should consider, that if they would bring | their journey to a fitting close, they must really bring | fitting clothes to their journey. | | A Wash to Cure a Nuisance. | Aw interesting modification of a well-known hydraulic | apparatus has been devised by an ingenious mechanist. It | is an elegant form of the common garden engine, adapted to drawing-rooms; and its purpose is not to irrigate the | lants in the balcony, for promotion of their growth, but to | PUNCH'S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE. “ Oh, I should have a Aeary miss of thee.” Henry 1V., Act v. , Scene 4. | besprinkle the organ-grinders in the street, in the event of | |their refusing to move on. No library or sick-chamber | | facing the street should be without one of these useful con- |trivances. ‘The liquid recommended for the spargefaction lof the noisy vagrants is soap-and-water: a fluid to which | | they have all evidently a great objection. | in Piccadilly. WHO HAS ASCENDED MONT BLANC? Sixce Mr. Apert Smiru has made the ascent of Mont Blanc the »ath to popularity and profit, there seems to be a fashion for following Dis steps, and another and another expedition to the summit of the Monarch of Mountains is continually being chronicled. Among those who have made the experiment during the present year is a resident of | Barnard’s Inn, who is much hurt at an insinuation that he did not reach | the top; and who has written to the Zimes to complain of this cruel imputation on his altitude-attaining character. He admits having made one failure, but then he had “lost his Alpentstock;” a guide had “ refused to carry his great-coat ;’’ and the same guide bad cruelly left him “ without any stimulant.” being “ elevated” by cham e, we doubt whether anyone would » t seems, however, that the occupant of Barnard’s Inn was not to be kept down by common disasters ; and he accordingly made another attempt, which was so perfectly successful, that the i ficate under his hand and seal of the feat having been accomplished. Considering how pleasantly one can ascend Mont Blanc, in’ the company of Ma Atsert Smitn, at the Egyptian Hall, it seems un- necessarily laborious and expensive to perform the task elsewhere than As there are many, however, who will not be satisfied without gomg up something or other, and being “able to say” they have actually “ been at the top,” we think that Primrose Hill might be | used as a cheap and commodious substitute for the Swiss original. arrangement might be made for the attendance of a “Syndic” (as a | policeman specially appointed for the duty might be figuratively called) | to grant certificates to those reaching the summit of the Metropolitan | Mount ; and the payment of a small fee would amply repay any expense attending the performance of this extra duty. As the object of most ple in going to out-of-the-way places is to be able “ to say they have | nm,” it matters little what the place may be, if it is understood that | | it shall be regarded as an achievement to have arrived there. } re were not aware that “stimulants” | were needed on these occasions ; for, though we have heard of people | yndic has given a certi- | An} “T’LL LEND THEE A WIND.” Tue British Association for the Advancement of Science hes | advanced it at last, with what revengeful people call a vengeance. Duxe or ARGYLL, wi'h characteristic modesty, abstained from alluding | to the feat in bis inaugural address, but Mr. Punch is restrained by no | ducal mauvaise honte from at once proclaiming the fact in his loudest tones. | Among the papers which were read before the Association, was one | | thus described in the Syllabus :— “ Captain Fiteroy, R.N.—Coumusication of New Caarts or Wisp Movement ov | THE Sugrace or THE GLOBE in Accordance with the Directions of the Board of Trade.” | The Board of Trade, therefore, now directs the Movements of the | Wind over the surface of the Globe, and the vulgar joke about a Clerk of the Weather-Office becomes a mere administrative truism. The long and exhaustive experiments of Government in raising the Wind have, finally, resulted more satisfactorily than could have been expected, and | we hear that the rate of insurance at Lloyd’s has been greatly reduced since it has been known that a captain, instead of going to a Lapland | witch to buy a wind, has only to send to the President of the Board of | Trade. It is needless to dilate upon the great commercial advantages | which this acquisition will give us over all other nations, or to show | how we sball take the wind out of their Sales; but what does THomas CaRLyYLe say to official Windbags, now? It is delightful to think that we shall be able to give a heavy Blow as well as a great discouragement | to all competition, and we trust that the Board of Trade means to take | care to have the Right Wind in the Right Place. Dead Weight. America may certainly boast that her contributions to the Paris Exhibition are on a very extended scale, for the —— object sent from the United States consists of a long row of weighing machines. This is quite characteristic of a calculating people like the Americans, who attach more importance to the power of the balance among them- selves than to the European balance of power.

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_ 3 o ‘ef - o = ced | of | ges | ow | [AS hat | ent uke | Ocrozer 6, 1855.) FIVE POUNDS REWARD. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 141 papers, we find ¢ men, for which areward of Five Pounds is! liberally offered. We think that anybody, after reading the description, | should have imagined that the offer of Five will be of opinion, that the price for | Pounds for a proof of his death, might have been the recovery of such a very odd article | 4 covert bint to some = : as that which has disappeared, is rather | the obnoxious individual out of the way, for the extravagant. The object of the adver-| apni y ; tisement is a man whose name it is} not necessary to set forth, and who, | Eas from the description given of him, seems to be by no means worth the five pound note that his friends are prepared to} Géewe is called “ one-sided’ I have yet give for him. He is, it seems, ‘ : ’ “ Aged about 58 years, about 5 feet 9 inches in “one-sided.” It strikes me, height; lost his right eye, of sallow complesion, | are not always the best. Is it not rather the duty and strong, close eut, greyish hair; loud andj of a philosopher to draw his conclusions from sxtravagant talker, addicted to drink, and gene- both sides ? It is only a barrister who has a right rally very much exeited when in liquor, Was) “ > ; last seen in Sheffield in the early part of July,| to be “one-sided.” He is hired expressly to 1854, and addressed a letter from London on the | advocate only one side; but what is hiring to the 29th of that month, stating that he was in daily harri ; wering : O80) attendance at one of the London iofirmaries, ister 1s only lo to the phil her. having, as it is believed, a wound in bis leg. Any | person who will give such INFORMATION as| mean. Perhaps will lead to his discovery (if living), or afford | proof of his death (if dead), shall ei b 7 : ’ Shove sevesl, pa application to hmm pote simply hecause e didn’t like to show hus squint J To know that such a person is not likely to be troublesome for the future, might indeed be worth more than the sum advertised to those Amone the miscellaneous articles ad-| wh, have been subject to the infliction. We » > “ sing”? he ‘ ne ro | : H ‘ r vertised as “ Missing” in the morning | ean only hope that he is at rest, for his own sake as well as for the comfort of all his | very curious speci- acyuaintances. n the old days of murder and romance, we assassin to put in the advertisement. CRITICISM. to learn that it is @ merit im am author to be ove-sided views | But | am getting cruel, and that is not what | j after all, had but one eye? or, it may be, that he was “one-sided,” |—Jenains, in the Illiterate Gazette. Five Pounds seems a very large sum ———SESS for “a loud and extravagant talker, addicted to drink,” and we cannot help thinking, that his acquaintances should be glad to have got rid of him,| —and the best historian that Germany of the instead of being prepared to pay to| present day could in charity have, would be, get him back again. We know some | also, a Tacitus. “loud and extravagant talkers,” whom | — we should be delighted to send away with the dust or other rubbish, and, whom we would not attempt to recover if happy chance had | mee removed them from our circle. The only intelligible part of the advertisement is that | The Least Said the Better. Tue first historian of Germany was Tacitus, ; SWEETLY PRETTY. Matrimony should be a Stereoscope, in which which offers Five Pounds for a proof of the death of the disagreeable individual with one | two hearts, though they may slightly differ, ap ye, a wounded leg, a propensity to drink, and a tendency to conversational extravagance. | pear to the observer as one. RAILWAY LUXURIES. We have been rather mystified by an advertisement issued from th flices of the North-Western Railway ; and as the publishers of Christ uas collections of puzzles will be shortly on the look-out for “novelty,” we beg to call their attention to the following :— ONDON AND NORTH WESTERN RAILWAY CONTRACT for - PERMANENT MATERIALS.—The Directors of the London and North Western Railway Company are prepared to receive Tenders for the supply of the undermen tioned Materials :—- 100,000 Sleepers. 4,000 Tons Chairs 500 Tons Fish Pilates. 275 Tens Spikes. 120 Tons Bolts and Nuts. Specifications, with Particulars, may be obtained on application to the Permanent Way Office, Railway Station, Stafford. Tenders addressed to the Secretary, at this Office, to be sent in on or before Wednes- day, 10th October, 1856. i By Order, CHAS. EDWD. STEWART, Secretary Secretary's Office, Euston Station, 15th September, 1855. We think our readers will-admit that the above announcement pre- sents ample materials for the ingenuity of any Wizard of the North, or the South, or the North-East-by-East, or any other still more acute juarter of the compass, to go to work upon. We can understand an extensive demand for sleepers on certain lines where somnolency among the officials is such a constant habit as to amount to what may ve called their “ permanent way,” but we should hardly have expected that “sleepers” would be in request on a line so generally wide awake as the London and North-Western. The other requirements of the Jire ctors appear to be of a somewhat festive kind, including, as they 10," 4000 tons of chairs,” and “ 500 tons of fish-plates ; ” from which we inter that a fish dinner on a most extensive scale may be in contem- piation. We cannot help thinking that the number of fish-plates seems rather excessive, and that a few dessert-plates might be substituted, especially as the advertisement shows that several tons of nuts—which can only be introduced by way of dessert,—are required. What on earth the Directors intend to do with such an enormous quantity of ants is a mystery, which we leave those who are desirous of dealing with “nuts to crack” to elucidate. TYING UP A BRASS KNOCKER. Me. Puncu does not very often waste his space upon bumptious pretension, because it is unphilosophical to assail what is incurable, but he raust sacrifice an inch of room to a nest of folly which he routed the other day out of the Globe. “Mr. and Mes. Porry Biock have arrived at the family mansion, No. 51, Barnacle Street, from their seat in the Isle of Man, to attend the confinement of their daughter, tha Howovess ce Mas. Bounce (Loxo Kitirscciivnoy's daughtier-in-law).” Now, who are these people (whose names, as there are women in the case, Mr. Punch has, with his usual chivalry, Leguised) thet they should print such an announcement? First, who cares whether they are at the family mansion or not? Next, what did they come for at such a time ? Or, thirdly, if the Honoursste Mrs. Bounce liked to have her mamma in the house, what did Mr. Porry Broce come for? What use is he? Is there no servant in such an establishment who can run round to the red lamp, without the necessity of keeping the ancient Porry fussing about all night in his dressing-gown? Fourthly, where ’s the Howovrasie Ma. Bounce, whose manifest duty it is to fetch the doctor? Fifthly, what needs mention Lorp Kiiuyscuctrsor. Any- body who knows the Porry Brocks mrust know that Bounce married their daughter, and who be is, and certainly the world does not want to be told of the relationship. Heartily wishmg the Honovnasie Mas. Bounce comfortably and happily through the little affair, Mr. Punch advises old Kitiyscviiyzoy, who, asa real nobleman, must dislike snobbery, to tell the Biocxs that this is not the kind of thing to do. Something for the Sphinx. Tue following genuine specimen of Herefordshire unintelligibility should have been sent to the Editor of Baansnaw’s Railway Guide, and not tous. However, we print it :-— “Sein in The Herefor timns honyor list aplechans for farming bailfs ishould wish too ingaag miself if thar is any opning iham experenced man for the Last twent ears Piles too stat your fe iwil atend imme- dent ly nam and adres Samuel! Thomas Monkland near Leomins Ter 1850 5 May The 13” | ratty: Se ae PBR

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PU NCH, OR ‘THE TERRIBLE ACCIDENT. “We KNEW HOW IT WOULD Be—GIRIS HOLDING THOSE Great RovuxD Hats | Goa | OVER THEIR EYES SO THAT THEY CAN'T SEE WHERE THEY ARE GOING.— WAY, HERE 'S Flora PLUMLEY RUN RIGHT INTO TRE ARMs OF rwsr YoUNG Horace SraNKER, WHO HasN'T A vrenny.”— Extract from our Awnt's Letter. ie

| | | | situation.” HAT ingenious | } print Le Nord, evidently at its wit’s end to find an excuse for the evacuation of Sebastopol, (which by the way, we under-| stand was first | fal BS mn pete geod ») apolo- a thus: a Sa to the resolution of Parsce Gortscuaxory, who by making a momentary nacre and avoic ting a usele &s effusion of blood, has preserved war by a struggle of a year's duration, which for intemsity has no parallel anals, and laced position which him to holds } a vp that army ina enables We have small wish to detract from the character of Paryce Gort- | SCHAKOFY as a military genius, but we cannot help remarking that the | successful “preservation” of his army, for which he is here so abun dantly commended, must not be regarded i conception ; it clearly i is a plagiarism of “ He who fights and runs away May live to fight another day.” We do not know what precise duration of time the writer in his own | LON DON CHARIV: ARI

[Ocroper 6, 1855. —_—__— A GERMANY OF GERMANS. Wat hero now the Chief would be Of one united Germany ? Italy free, let him proclaim, Poland and Hungary the same. Free press, free speech, and senate free, And every kind of liberty, Of tongue, of pen, of hand and arm, But that of doing others harm. Should such a Chief his standard raise, Would not all Germany outhlaze, A\l Germans round that ensign band, With rifle and with sword in hand ? The Czar’s vice-kaiser and viee-kings They would release from apron-strings ; And give, unpinn’d from female gowns, Them decent hats for crowns. Fm be would all Earope stand allied, brute force controll’d br pride, t er crvileed nations leagued to pen The Russians in their proper den. A Magi, 6 te world would see, commonwea Germany ; And he who held the first command Would Father be of Fatherland.

AS SAFE AS THE BANK. Tue writer of the money article of one of the morning papers talks of “the suicidal course adopted by the Directors of the Bank of England.” ‘his is rather strong language ; and would make a timid person believe that | the Directors contemplated self- b amd my If the Bank be should be a nervous individual, and were to read ad cepa in question, she would be afraid to open the shutters, lest she might find a quorum of the Directors ‘Beaks together i in the Bank Parlour. We must confess that the + —_, is rather = a in other or as the Bank happens to Corporation, aod ration never 5: would be an absurdity on the 2 the Old Lady in Threadneedle Street to aibans to y violent hands upon herself, as she could not make away with herself in an effectual manner. mind would assign to the “sacrifice” he here describes as merely _ ee * but certainly, unless that aetestine have a widely « erent meaning in his dictionary to that which JoHNSON gives it, w feet he might with greater chance of truth have used a more end one. As for Paryce JORTSCHAKOF?’S retreat enabling him to “ a commanding situation,” that, for Russian ears, is well enough ; bu it reads to us certainly a little akin to sarcasm. For with our Pom ledge of despotic governments, we should not be surprised if the loss of Sebastopol were to entail upon Princg Gortscuakorr the loss of the only “commanding situation” we ~; admit him still to hold—nawmely, the situation of — Office

TRUMPETERS. Tere are three sorts: Ist, the , Invert Man, who blows his own trumpet : 2nd, the Clever Man, who fe oe trumpet generally blown for him : and 3rd, the Really Clever who will see all the trumpe's blown first before he =< stoop to any such trumpery expedients. |t lis for the latter that Fame takes up the mstrament, and, with 4 trumpet-note, sounds their names all over the world; but, as this class | is necessarily a very small one, we cannot ] with the modesty of | certain men, who, feeling there is but little chance of Fame ever 7 | blowing the trumpet for them, become subscribers of that highly- pular Musical Society of, “Every Man His Own Trumpeter,” and iow away lustily for themselves. Some of our greatest politicians, ts, doctors, tragedians, and tight-rope dancers are already members of the above Society, aad the numbers are increasing daily. History Rationally Explained. Ture is nothing so very strange in the fact of a Wolf having suckled Romutus and Reuu fort it is evident that of all animals a “‘ Wolf alone could ha as an-l/rsa to two young children. (Ob! 0!) ve

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 18, Upper Wobure Place, and Frederick Mollett Fvans, of | Printers, at their Ofice in Lomberd Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, im the City of Leoadon.—Sasvavat, Uctober 6, isso. No. 19, Queen's Road West, * Lotion, and Published by them Regent's Park, both im the Psrish of St. Pancras, ini the County of by ry at No. %, Fleet Street, im the Parish of St, Bride, im the CHY

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a Octoser 13, 1855.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 143 THE TEETOTAL TOAST-BOOK. | Txoven there is nothing very jovial in the idea of tota j abstinence, and it is difficult to get much jollity out of a pump, we do not see why the Teetotallers should not adopt the practice of giving “sentiments” when they drink, and thus realising the popular combination of Toast-and- W ater. We subjoin a few specimens, which will be found suitable to those aqueous associations, whose members seem to look | upon the garden-engine as the only really moral engine, and the water-cart as the only vehicle of progress. A light beart and a heavy water-jug. May ewers always be mine, and ours be ewers. May the pump always give us its succour. May the pitcher of strength never want the water of purity. The noblest works of man—the water-works. The pump—the only true source of legitimate liquid. May sorrow fiud a watery grave. A for my friend, and a pond fer my pitcher. Confusion to the donkey who stops up (by getting his foot into) the plug-hole, A full water-bottle and nobody to partake of it. May the good ship Britannia draw plenty of water. My friend and filter. May every pipe be put out, except the water-pipe. The best of all Unions—the grand junction. Water—an excellent fellow in the main. May confidence always break the ice, and friendship drink the water. | May the tear of sorrow from the cistern of the heart be purified by the filter of affliction, and join the waters of | oblivion. The prudent housewife, who keeps a full washing-iub, | and is never without floating capital. y May the sackbutt always get the sack, and all other butts but the water-butt, The brightest diamonds are those of the purest water. May the hand of friendship be extended to every pump that needs it. Here ’s to him who is always doing his fellow creatures | Charles, “ Ficung, ispezp! Wauat’s a Fettow to po? A Man must wear a good turn—the turn 4 someTaiInc. Hats and CoaTS aRE OUT OF THE QuESTION—THEY ARE REALLY 80, Confusion to the pride, that would keep its head above very EFrEeMINaTE.” water, 66 able to afford to keep a gentleman to do the passport duty of his office ; JONES BAYS THE MOON.” | but, at least, he winks employ a well-mannered Christian. Or at the worst, if his Lordship will not, or cannot part with his present growling, | snarling official, he might humanely cause something like the following : R _ Pp, 7 opposed the resolution of thanks to Lonp Mayor Moor, inasmuch as | 2°tee to be Cenard “ the = Bey sn ;, Persons coming here on he “had not sufficiently encouraged Art and Science by inviting business are requested to beware o 0g. members of the various City Guilds to partake of the hospitalities of the | pee ee neal ae ~~ a oe one: “a as the Maror’s mace: but, tell us, Jonzs,—where are Art and Science in 'N.PAS I .E MOVE S$ IN GHTON. civie guilds? Where do they, unlike the noses of the liverymen, blush UN-FASHIONABLE MOVEMENTS IN BRIGHTON unseen—where, unlike the turtle, do they waste their sweetness? Is| Mn. and Mus. Jones and family have left the Bedford Hotel—at there a Cuantrey among the Spectacle-makers, a CLankson STaNFIELD | the door of which they stopped to inquire the prices—and then pro- | in the body of the Fishm ? Does another author of another Cal-| ceeded in the direction of the Railway. : culating-Machine glorify the Goldsmiths? The Art and Science of} Mas. Porriexins has not quitted ber apartment in Brunswick the City Guilds might have been very effectively represented by Goe| Terrace. She has torn up the notice to quit; and tells the landlord to | and MaGoe; but then, in defence - y F— Mayor Moon, it must be | “do his best and do his worst.” 3; confessed, they are somewhat above the ordinary dimensions of the| The Marquis Po.icrorro, a Polish nobleman, bas visited several of most elevated diners-out; whilst, as they have not been provided | the tradesmen of the town, to whom he has given large orders, none with hinges, they could have hardly stretched their legs under the | of which are likely to be executed. civic mahogany. | Mr. and Mas. Rotey Povey have taken the whole of the back por- We think One Jonzs has with the very worst grace bayed our Moon. | tion of the third-floor of a house in the neighbourhood of Regency We firmly believe, that when the eventful civic year of 1854-5 shall be | Square. Their stay will be limited. : Written in a pomp and manner worthy of its events, that the mayoralty| Carrary Farsi dined in the coffee-room at Peggs’ on Tuesday last, of Moon will shine like his gold plate, will abound with cordial sweet-| and left unperceived by the waiter. The Captain is not expected to ness, like his own loving-cup. The greater, too, is the credit of Moon : | return. : inasmuch as though it was his fortune to cross twice to Paris, and| The Reverend and dis-Honourable Antaun Swinpext has left his twice to come within the cold, shady influence of Lorn Cowxey, our | lodgings on the Terrace. From the contents of his portmanteau, which English Ambassador who keeps continual fast in the Rue St. Honoré, | have been inspected by the landlord, the dis-Honourable and Reverend —his Lordship each time returned to town as genial and as ripe as ever; gentleman would seem to have been engaged in archwological pursuits, even’riper, like a travelled pine-appie. | for his luggage consists entirely of bricks. ving alluded to Lonp Cow zy, it will be only bumane in Mr. Punch | ; to warn his fellow-countrymen against the savageness of a French Owz Jowzs, at the election of the new Lornp Mayor—(and the Lorp Msyor’s Dinner is now become removable into a Jewish Feast)— Mastiff, who, in bis Lordship’s service, receives passports from timid | tric Orthography. | travellers, to be viséd, &c. &c. We have heard that there are no less | ae . phy than six Englishmen at the t hour lamed for life, having been| Ancupeacon Haze, writing on the philosophy of the dead body, | wantonly bitten in the calf of the leg by the mastiff aforesaid. Lonp | with an instinctive regard to burial profits, can spell philosophy in no Cawuzy, with only £8,000 a-year, and no dinners to give, may not be | other way than—“ fee-losophy.” VOL, XXIXx. %

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| | | } | affords a glance at the habits and | Opinions, of travellers by those useful vehicles. | a lady about her scarf, and eg into a description he PUNCH, OR THE L ONDON CHAPIVARL A BATCH OF ADVERTISEMENTS. EW more amusing articles have appeared in the Quarterly Ke- view than a recent one on the subject of Advertisements, past as well as present, and every ee day affords such a choice of materials, that another article as interesting as that to which we allade might already be written. As our voluminous contem cannot devote —_ t some rod x ty pages to any topic (though we might di of it in about half that number of lines), it is not probable that the will within the present century give another article on Adver- tisements. The ry oy be ever, is too to w to drop, te shall therefore continue to take it up and let it “~ I~-w humour prompts us, as the theme may appear to be one that requires droppin we with. The Times of W ay, the 3rd, is rich im curiosities of the second column. Among others, is an invitation to a gentleman, “late of Kennington,” who is requested to “ oblige a well-wisher,” by “leaving his at — Chancery Lane ;” a recommendation which looks very like the commencement of a law- suit. How any well-wisher can ask anybody to leave papers in Chancery Lane is a puzzle to us, but the mystery is perhaps capable of solution. ‘True friendship would, in our opinion, rather suggest the committal of one’s rs to the bottom of the Thames, than propose their being left in Chancery Lane, for we should expect them to go off by a sort of spontaneous combustion into a C suit, if we were to leave them in such a dangerous locality. The next advertisement is a os of the offer of five pounds —to which we have already alluded—for the “loud and ‘extravagant talker addicted to drink,” who has “lost his right eye,” and was “last seen at Sheffield.” It is possible that he bas by this time lost his other eye, or | become otherwise so mutilated as not to be known to others, while it is obvious that he occasionally — oe and thus the probability is, | that he will never be discovere A little further on, we find the following interesting aynouncement :— A LADY LOST A PAPER, on Saturday last, in an omnibus, near the | Bank ; a Gentleman spoke to her respecting a scarf she wore, sayin; had thirty tenants who made such; will he, if he saw the paper, kindly write to ALB. &c., &c.? This gives an insight into what may be called omnibus life, and the conversations and A gentleman speaks to of the occupations of his numerous tenantry. lady seems to have picked up some- thing that dropped from the conversation of the who it is delicately hinted may have picked up something that dropped from the hands of the lady. This style of thing may come under the denomination of “ give and take,” bat when the thing given is gratuitous information about one’s tenantry and the article taken is “a ” there may be an inequality in the exchange, which on one side might be inconvenient. We shal! wind up forthe present with a lamentable instance of error which seems to have occurred receatly in the neighbourhood of London. (AME ASTRAY, A DONKEY. The owner can have the same by / paying the expenses. Apply to Jown Lampert, 27, Norland-read, Notting-hill. If not claimed within seven days, will be sold to pay the expenses. Considering the number of donkeys that daily go astray, it is for- tunate for the errant ass who is above specified, that he has fallen into such considerate hands as those of Ma. Joun Lampert. It is not everybody who would trouble himself about a creature who has been such a thorough donkey as to go astray, and indeed it is not every donkey in that predicament who would be kept for even seven days on the possibility of his being of sufficient worth te pay his expenses for that limited period. The Belle-Isle Nuisance. We have lately seen a good deal of correspondence in the News- papers on the subject of the Belle-Isle Nuisamce, but we have been reluctant to go very deeply into a matter which everybody seems to view with disgust. We were not aware that the suburbs of London possessed an isola Bella, and we can only regret, that a place with so taking a title should have got itself into such bad odoar. THE PEACE-MONGER’S PEACE. We hope ‘Lat no Peace-at-any-Price man will be allowed to have anything to do with any Peace that may be entered into with Russi else the following will be about the Price that England will be upon to pay for it :— To surrender possession of the Crimea, and to rebuild Sebastopol as it formerly existed. : To provide Russia with another fleet, in every way as good as the one that was sunk at ce, To make good Bomarsund, Sweaborg, and Kertch, and to —_ generally all the damage that has been committed, either in the Baltic, or the Black Sea, or the Sea of Azoff. To pay Russia an indemnity (hereafter to be caleulated by Messrs. Bricut, Giapstoxr, Compex, and Smxzy Hemmer) for all the expenses of the War. And further : That the Parvce or Waxes be sent to St. Petersburg, as a hostage, until such indemnity be paid. The above would be, probably, the principal items of the Peace Price, but there would be smalier of course. For instance, England would pledge herself to guarantee : That all Hen Mavsesty’s inferior Ministers should be tried before a Rassian and Manchester jury for high treason. . a That Lorp Patwerston should be sent (without trial) to Siberia. That Lorp Pawmung, or Ma. Rogsuck,or Parvce Atserr, should, with a lighted candle in his hand (such candle to be made of the finest Russian tallow), do public penance before the statue of Peter tnz Great, and, in the name of England, beg pardon of the Empznor for having dared to wage war against the Autocrat. That the swords of Gewerat Srupson, Lorp Racray, Str Cures Naprer, Six Epmounp Lyons, Sir De Lacy Evans, Lorp Carpreay, and others, too numerous and insignificant to mention, should be sur- rendered up, in order to be laid as trophies upon the tomb of Sr. Nicwotas THE Great, implying thereby the penitence of the owners that they had ever drawn them against such a we og That every gun used in the Crimea or elsewhere against Russia, | be given up for Gogupeee erecting out of the metal a votive offering to that same blessed martyr. : , That Mz. Rozsvck’s testimonial, be it what it may, be confiscated, and the proceeds devoted likewise to the same sainted purpose. And lastly : That Her Masesty’s crown-jewels, together with the coronets of all | her nobles, be lodged for the next thirty years in the Kremlin at Mos- \cow, as some small security that England during that period will | maintain peace with Russia. And further, as a still better security, that during that same period, jaep Joun Russe. be kept irremovably in power, as England’s Prime nister. We do hope, however, that England, anxious as she may be for Peace, will never consent to pay terms so exorbitant as the above ! | Only consider—Lorp Joux itinister for thirty years! ! ! | ROYAL CHAFFING. WHatTever may be the merits or demerits of Prisce Faepenick Cuar.es or Pavssta, he is evidently a , or he would never bave “left Berlin on the 18th to compliment the Ewpsnor or Russia.” We should like to-have heard a few of the compliments passed on the occs- sion, though we can imagine the effect they must have produced when the Prrwce began to compliment the Emperor on the state of the War, and the aspect of affairs at Sebastopol. If we had just had our house burned down about our heads, if the servant we had left in charge of it had run away, and if we had recently lost nearly all our money ma mad speculation, we don’t know exactly what we should say to an individual who came to pay us compliments. Perhaps, if we w the precise answer addressed by the Emperor or Russia to the compliments of the Parvce or Prussia, we should have some guide to follow. Logie of Le Nord. WE really cannot understand the exultation of the French and E Journals, and the rejoicings of the respective not only of countries, but of all the other European states, at the result of the operations of the Allied Armies at Sebastopol. The one Point of celebrated Four, on which Russia held out, was the limitation of ram + eye ly ee ae ee question at present to is, that the Allies themselves in the Black Sea. Thus the tables are completely turned upon France and England. —— ft oo. 6 eh we © he pee et OL OO OE’ oO ss 4 et = Se ont’ na a a we eo oO Oe eet oe ]

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ol as i the epair altic, SSRS. the = rice, ore a a. ould, inest THE g for RLES GAY, sur- ners ssia, ring ited, f all Mlos- riod, rime for CK jave We Var, of it jual rise s of —— Ocrosex 13, 1855.] PUNCH, OR THE Li INDON s== oe rs = : Z — a G ~aEy ie —" aA WR, ‘ f _ IMPROVEMENT OF THE RAILWAY WHISTLE. PATENT has just been taken out for an invention which will very much inerease the pleasure, and in the same degree di- minish the danger of travelling by railway. Not only that, but the excursion of a few will be rendered con- ducive to the delight of the many by this contrivance. The railway whistle has hitherto been a necessary nutsacce., But what a nuisance! Ten thousand screeeh- | owls, as many cats, and an equal number} of infants in concert, | could hardly make a more horrible noise. | It is worse than the most piercing squall wherewith any young lady that couldn’t sing and would sing ever CHARIVARL. 145 way.” Well, on approaching a station the Siderodharmonioon—thet seems to be a simple and appropriate name for the instrument—might play the air of that song. “ There's a goods. train coming, boys,” would be the unmistakeable import of an obvious popular air. The approach of the Parliamentary train might be indicated by what fast inate slow music— because they cannot discern any other quality in it than slowness of time; for instance, the “ Dead March ia Saul” A graver occasion for the performamce of that funereal com- position might be averted by thus playing it in time. During the whole Royal Progress to Osborne, Belmoral, or elsewhere, the Siderodharmonicon might play, “ God Save the Queen,” for the enter- tainment of Her Masesry; thus she would have music wherever she went. Old stagers miss and regret the guard of the ancient coaching days, and his horn. This dei- ——e —_* = as compared with the turnpike, wi more than supplied the Siderodbarmonicon. ” No doubt this invention will be forthwith adopted and applied by the Railway Companies, and the wit oveeiat an ae Music to travel with every train, perform 0- airs, at an ample salary; behaving im this respect with that generosity, liberality, munifi- cence, and solicitude for the public safety, split our ears at an evening party. j The mvention above | accommodation end comfort, for which all their arrangements are so justly celebrated. | alluded to will substitute railway harmony and railway melody, for railway discord and rail- way din. It will supersede the steam-whistle. different imtimations by distinct tunes. | THE PHILOSOPHY OF LIGHT. | Irwas settled that Liverpool should not illuminate on the occasion | of the Duxs or Campuipee’s visit. Many ardent souls were bursting into light, when suddenly Ma. J. R. Jerrney, in the expansive shape of a wet blanket, came down upon them, and the nascent fires were put down. We avow and admire the courage of the Duke or Campriper. He fought like a trooper at Inkermann: and, doubtless, even as a Royal Duke, won his after-ease and his round of nobility visits, although Sebastopol remained to be taken. Put wherefore illaminate? If the English Duke were a Russian Duxs Coystaytrve, a huge offering of oil and tallow would be only a due sacrifice to the idol. It is otherwise with our hearty Duxe or Camspripee. Let him be highly and fully feasted; and let all the wind instruments of Liverpool blow till they crack again on his advent “ See the Conqu’ring Hero Comes /” and jet the dear women flutter their cambric, and scatter their roses; let them, moreover, im their own eyes light up the best Liverpool illamination, to the great. economy of Liverpooi gas. Ma. Wert Buanxet Jerreey talked, it must be confessed, in a very unphilosophical way on what he ratieally stigmatised as “ tom- foolery!” he, moreover, more than hinted that it would be far better to expend the £4,000 at least, required for gas, oil and candle, “ on those who would be left widows and orphans” by the War. To this senti- ment there were—could it be doubted ?—“ \oud cheers.” Ere the damp periods of the Wet Blanket aforesaid had penetrated to the skins of the hearers (who fimally voted against the illumination), prom‘ses had been received, “when the books were first put round,” to the extent of about £200. The light was put out imfavour of the widow and orphan; when the “actual cash” that came to hand, “did not exceed £3!” Such is the philosophy of light at Livervool. And how should it be otherwise ? hen , of the house of Dor, Cross, and Co. gives £5 for an illumination, his eyes have the money’s worth. He Sees the brilliancy of his publie spirit, the lustre of his citizenship. But when the £5 is expended in coals and candles for the widow and orphan, what knows he of the tallow and Wall’s-Ead? They make an illumi- nation of which he must needs be imsensible. Dor, therefore, buttons his ; and if the Dcuxe or Camsarpes is not to be illuminated, neither shall be the fire-side of the soldier's widow. If the Duke Re denied’ his binse of gus, ‘the orphan shall go to bed withent s candle. It. is, in fact, a sort of Steam Apolionicon ; | to be connected with the engine, capable either of mechanical performances, or of being | played upon by a competent musician, who will accompany the engineer and stoker for that urpose. Besides delighting the ear of the passengers and the public, this instrument will form |. an important addition to the present means of making railway signals. ; There is a song called, “ Men of Action clear the | wretch who invented it! Human Forgiveness. Let cynics say what they will, Man is not vindictive. Here for years we have been sub- jected to the daily torture of wearing the Hat, It will give | and we haven’t even preserved the name of the FETES FOR TICKET-OF-LEAVERS. Tue Proprietor of the Clyfaker Gardens, Convictoria Road, Brixton, in humble imitation of the example of his superiors, who avail them- selves of passing events to attract patronage to their entertainments, begs respectfully to announce, that it is his intention to open the above bruliant and enchanting gardens with a series of {étes, in commemoration of various matters more or less interesting to his own immediate patrons. He proposes that the following Galas shal! take place during the ensuing week (wet, or dry) Monday. A ¥éte in honour of Liberty—this being the anniversary of the diseharge of Samuezt Mogpecar Isaacs from the manacles of tyranny. The identical handkerchief, whose abstraction caused his retirement for two months, will be exhibited at the Bar. Tuesday. A ¥éte in honour of our American Brethren, to whom on this day four years, “Jimmy” Dovren and Expenezen Smasurn escaped from the bloodhounds of law. The Star-spangled Baaner in fireworks. Wednesday. A Fete in honour of Woman’s Love and Courage, when a transparency will be exhibited, showing the heroic Sat or Battersea, as she appeared this day three weeks pouring hot water on the heads of the policemen who came to arrest her lover for burglary Thursday. A Féte in honour of Art. A leeture will be delivered by Correnas Furmsr, Eeq., in which the science of multiplymg Bank of England notes without the aid of the Bank of England will be explained, with aneedotes of personal experiences inside and outside Newgate. Friday. A Fete in honour of the Laws of the Country, when a testi- monial will be presented to the eminent Old Bailey barrister, Honse- Harr Cuogexey, Esq., for his exertions in procuring, during the past year, no less than two hundred and seventeen acquittals of parties per- secuted by conventional hypocrisy. Saturday. A Féte in honour of the Constitution, when the Hamours of a contested Election will be exemplified, and a series of combats between the Suoacrye Sripen, Caacksmay Carzs, Bit Sracoens, and a host of supernumeraries, accustomed to “physical canvassing,” will give enlivenment and truth to the picture. No Police admitted. | | Tickets (of leave) at the Bar.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI [Octoper 13, 1855. THE CZARINA TO HER MATE. Mr own sweet Czar, dear Eureror of my soul, Thy purple’s hem im earnestness I twitch, Let me not vainly thine Imperial stole Tug, my beloved Nicotagwitcn. No further let this horrid war proceed, Stop it ; it is too dreadful: ’tis indeed, Have pity on your subjects—those poor things— Although, of course, they ali were made for you. | Yet they are men—and women—and it wrings My heart to think upon what they go through : The agony, the grief, monstrous loss Of life—for that pretence about the Cross. The Cross! My dear, you know, as well as I, The Cross suffices to defend its own; And dare we hold it forth to screen a lie ? Por aggrandisement only and alone We ’ve drawn the sword. How awful that to do, Dearest, if what the Cross means is all true ! What can you hope to get by going on? You see, the stake for which you play’d is lost, My dear, you know Sebastopol is gone ; The Black Sea Fleet, too. Would it had ne’er crost That plaguy Euxine on that horrid day, ‘Lo do that slaughter in Sinope’s Bay ! Fortune declares for England and for France ; Leave off at present, saving all you ean ; Another day youll have a better chance ; Wait that, and bide your time, there ’s a dear man. Rua not the risk of having to resign The power which you epjoy through friends of mine. *Tis you, my Czannums, only, who maintain My dear relations on their German thrones. To fight the French and English if you drain Your armies, and exhaust your means by loans, How will you get the bayonets and Which, solely, their viceroyalties u ? Them should their discontented subj send ! | ATTY WaT ryyryyT wes eiTrrawyTrrirrirroeirci Ss. TT About their business, as they no doubt, In Europe we should not one friend. A ffeetionate little Wife (who has made many abortive attempts to fathom the secrets Boma will soon go to the right about : of Freemasonry). “ Wet., put, Daan! TELL Me one THING. Do THEY PUT YoU And you, my love—I shudder !—who knows where ? mnto a Corrin?” Grant, then, Mania ALEXANDROWNA’S prayer. } . ° | - . with her bonnet! But still the question remains unanswered, “Do If WOMEN BET, WHAT DO THEY BET? _ | jadies bet? and what is the nature of their beta?” ‘The latter may | be (for what we know) gloves, or bottles of Eau-de-Cologne, or packets of pearl-powder, or boxes of bonbons, or pots of pomatum, or night- - ; but we wee suspect they are cups of tea. This is, of course, only meee poe ves, —— Fe Nag rs = wend ne wih oe -? men, no y would ever think o eaning paying her aoa a wg te losses. A bet with a lady is only valid so long as she wins. may be sure they are er We confess the question, even now, remains involved in the greatest bonnets, simply because | obscurity, and we hope the British Association will take it into ladies would derive bo consideration at their next meeting. In the meantime, we think it is pleasure whatever in win- | satisfactorily proved that, if ladies do indulge in bets, at all events ning bonnets from one | ‘Mey never stake bonnets on the issue, as gentlemen stake hats. Just another. A wager, so as ifa bonnet was not by far too important a thing to be left to the won, would destroy the | Caprice of a wager! And, besides, where is the lady who would trust eminsement a lady always another lady to choose a bonnet for her? or care about choosing a has in getti Y$ | bonnet at any other shop than her own? “™"~ arya yTTrTCmw?,T, Ome men, when they lose | wagers, pay in hats. We do not know whether |a- dies ever wager together, a new bon- ast, out if husband, =—— materially frou their: | THE LITERARY LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. ment of that husband’s| Somesopy has published a book, under the quaint title of 42 Hour society whenever he had | wits the Hollyhock. We comiess we have not much curiosity to read > been persuaded to leave | the work, for we cannot see how sixty minutes, spent in the company | 7 ~-. the City a trifle earlier, | of a rather valgar-jooking plant, can afford matter of either an amusing i sae just to take a stroll be- | or instructive character. We would much rather have Five Minutes > a > fore dinner with his dear | with a Pine-apple, or even 4 Moment with a Peach, or A Quarter of an “rye little wifey.” | Hour with a few Apricots, The language of flowers is ail very well ; | It is about the rarest thing in the world, when a wife is favoured, in but we do not believe the biggest hollyhock, or the downiest of public, with her husband’s company, and it would be too bad to deprive daffodils can have anything to say for itself that would justify any | that rarity of one-half its charm by attempting to strip it of its prin- | reasonable being in giving up even half an hour to its society. 4s | cipal attraction. An afternoon’s walk down Bond Street, or a quiet Hour with the Hollyhock appears to us, therefore, to promise nothing but | saunter whilst dinner is getting ready through the Rue de la Paix, the details of a very dull and unsatisfactory interview. We should bave | | would be dull, indeed, even in the very finest weather, unless there was | preferred 4 Minute with the Mignonette, or Siz Seconds with the Soringa, | the incentive of a bright new bonnet glittering in the distance. It is or even—though the experience of such things at an evening party is | | the belief of some, that a woman would lees her head sooner than part |‘ not very promising—4 Quarter of An Hour among the Wallflowers. | ~~~

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ee — Octowzr 13, 1855.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 149 BABY SHOWS.—A SEA-SIDE MONSTER. At the late Baby-show at Withemsea, the sea-bathing place of Hall, al) the visitors were, as a matter of course, canvassed for subscriptions, in order that the prizes might be equally worthy of the precious child carrying off the prize and the proud mother carrying the baby. We are appalled at the capable atrocity of human nature ; but we are moralists satirists, and part journalists, and, at whatever cost of feeling, will perform, like Cerberus, our triple duty. A hideous old bachelor, with a face corrugated like a walnut, anda mouth like a tweezer-case (we forbear to give his name,—in it is unnecessary), received, in due course, a circular soliciting his mite for the triumpvant poppet. To this urbane, and most humamnising epistle, the sea-side monster wrote the following reply :— Griffin Hotel, Sept. —, 1855. “ Sie,—I thank heaven, I am sixty-two ; and what in a few years ma be made a show of in what was once domestic and respectable Englan I am happy to say I am not likely to see. I can understand a lamb- show, a pig-sbow, or even a learned pig-show, but why parents should ask to be rewarded for fine babies, like a couple of mountebanks sending _— the hat for clever tumbling, I am not yet old or wise enough to earn. “T see a great many old women about this place ; visitors, who I hear are spinsters, every one of ’em. These women go about with big round brown flop-hats, to save their skins; just, I suppose, as we cover up furniture in summer to keep mahogany from cracking. Now, Sir, why not make a show of them, and let the oldest that can pass for the youngest carry off the prize? It might amount to enough to make it worth any honest labourmg man’s while, and buy the poor thing a partner for her natural life. To this benevolent object, I have no objection to give my five pound. More; | will give the article away. “ But to contribute towards a prize baby, this in the least way | will never be brought to do. Stop; as it is ever my wish, in my annual visit to the sea-coast, to conform, in so far as I can without an entire loss of self-respect, to the tom-foolery of the place,—I will subscribe my two, nay, my ten guineas, to what you are pleased to call this ‘most laudable, most interesting, and most domestic purpose,’ on one proviso : and that proviso is this— That the Baby-show having taken place, and the prizes awarded, the unsuccessful candidates, without distinction of month or sex, shall be | one and all immediately drowned. On this simple condition, you may send your treasurer for my ten guineas. “T am your Obedient Servant, “ Heron Tugottiem. “P.S. When the Baby-show has come off, why not follow it up with | a Show of Donkeys; for, of course, ‘the affectionate parents’ | accompany ‘the interesting offspring!’ ” THE ROMANCE OF EUCLID. Te papers informed us the other day, that Mz. Syivesrer, the new Professor of Mathematics at Woolwich, has “a passionate love for the Science.” We do not doubt the Professor’s high qualifications, but we cannot believe that there is anything passionate in the attachment of this gentleman, or that} he is either sentimental, or what is usually termed “ spooney,” over iy == to which he is devoted. If we are to believe the to, Ma. Sytvesrer is a sort of | Mathematical Romeo, with one of Evcuip’s figures for his /uliet. If this were the case, he would, of course, be jealous of every other clever individual who pays attention to the alleged object of his affections ; and no other Professor of Mathematics w be safe in his Chair, if the assertion of the -monger were to be credited. If Ma. Syivester had anything like “a passionate love” for Mathe- matics, he would be writimg odes to Problem 1, or sighing over the Pons Asinorum, a. promis Rawell, from very senti- mentalism, over one of its parapets. We, however, believe nothing of | the sort ; but we are satisfied that Mr. Syivester has a sensible regard ol ~ ‘are Science in which he has so eminently distinguished | Himself, PALMAM QUI NON MERUIT—SNEER-AT. | We cannot share the surprise of our contem ies at the elevation | of certain veterans to the rank of Field-Marshal, for the operation is in qenet uniformity with the system that has generally prevailed at the ar-Office. Age and incapacity are quite as worthy of promotion as some of the other materials out of which Field-Marshals have been made ; and it may, at all events, be said, in defence of one of the recent instances of exaltation, that the “party” bas a name which entitles him to the step he has gained; for Cumber-mere is an lation that may be considered priate to a rank which, from the objects on which it is usually erred, may be regarded as mere-ly Cumber-some. | |at these meetings are not even kept pri | 'men of business, but the Witlers’ criticisms on the articles are reported ABSURD RUMOUR OF AN APPROACHING MARRIAGE IN THE HIGHEST LIFE. Trey say that young Paussta our Parvcess will wed, Which shows that we can’t believe balf that is said. What! she marry the nephew of Ciicquor the mean! The friend and ally of the foe of the Queen ? Why, nothing keeps Ciicqvor from standing array’d Agaiost ber in arms, but his being afraid. His near kinsman the spouse of Hern Masesty’s child! Pooh !—the notion is monstrous, preposterous, wild. His nephew her husband |—whilst over his head Dethronement apparently hangs by a thread. He is far below zero in Honour’s seale down. How long with good name lost will he keep his crown ? Suppose his liege subjects made him eut and run, Would his brother succeed him, or that brother’s son ? They'll bundle the dynasty out, neck and crop, And set up, most probably, quite a new shop. Deposed, we shal! have him to keep over here, And find him in brandy, in wine, and in beer ; And his nephew and bride we should have on our hands, And to grant them a palace, and money, and lands, The Parscess is—bless her !—searce fifteen years old; One summer more even o’er Dinah had roll’d. To so early she can’t be inclined ; A saitable Villikens some day she'll fod. Moreover, in her case, we know very well, There exist no “ stern parieuts” her band to compel, Affording the Launeats a theme for a lay, With a burden of “ Teural lai leural li day.” INK FROM BEER, Ma. Puncn’s admiration of that remarkable paper, the Morning Advertiser, is not habitually expressed, he hopes, in ns which may be considered fulsome. But he is bound to say, that the mode in which it would appear that the journal in question is governed is so preposterous that much may be excused to the unfortunate executive. The paper is the property of a set of Licensed Victuallers, who hold periodical meetings, and thereat discuss, not nor the general management of their organ, but the merits of the Editor, Writers, and Reporters, and the proceedings as might be expected from and published. One Boniface declares that the Editor “draws it a deal too mild,” and another complains that the editorials are “frothy,” and | that the paper wants “ more head to it.” A Witler of practical character suggested, at the last meeting, that one of the writers should be told to “leave out some of his poetry,” possibly thinking that the poor quoter gave unsatisfactory measure. When Granam, Giapstowe, and Heanert retired, and bread became dear, the crisis was discussed as that of the “ Quartern and three Outs.” when the Sew Bill was debated doubts were expressed whether the rate-pa cet to “ stand a drai and one day a leader-writer gave awful ollenee when, in citing from t Anatomy of Melancholy, he remarked, that there were many otjecti things to be found in Oid Burton. Now this kind of supervision, by personages whose education has “ concentrated ” must be peculiarly undesirable. We admit that fas ext ab Hoste | doceri, wat doubt whether a New: -writer who understands his business can be taught much by the out the least disrespect to the Witlers, en Hy doubt, deserve all the compliments lavished upon them the other | and fully subscribing to the trath of that gentleman’s tribute to the “ grace and sweetness ” of their female relatives, we must think that a publican knows less about Ink than Beer, and that he bad better leave the management of a Newspaper to those whose business it is to under stand the subject. We doubt whether even the Wannes “ who kept a Poet” insisted on mixing blacking with bis ink; and we confess that only one thing surprises us more than this kind of interference with the legitimate functions of those who, having been chosen considerately, should be trusted implicitly; and that is, that any English journalist should submit to dictation from behind the Bar. On recollection, however, is it so? A TRAVELLING TRUTH- Your genuine travelling Eoglishman carries his grumbling, his in- vincible discontent everywhere. In fact, it forms part of his luggage ; and he would no more think of leaving it behind him than of travelling without his medieme-chest. ‘ost of a public-house. With- | y by Ma. Waxuer, | ns _ ne

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ee ee if he"read the Book with intelligence. How many working men does | your Grace ~“. capable of so reading any but a very moderate | portion of that Book, on the meaning of which Dz. Commune and other Doctors so widely ditfer ? : Your Grace should not forget that, having heard the text of that same volume expounded in Church, the workimg man might, were the Gallery and Museum open on Sundays, go and see illustrations of its narratives at the former institution, and attestations of its authenticity at the latter. Does any more innocent—nay more edifying—occupation for him oceur to your Grace ? Had be better sit during the intervals of Divine Service twiddling his thumbs? That expedient, a ves es apy mischief which might result from the idleness of his hands. Had he better literally observe the Day of Rest by going to sleep? Your Grace, of course, would consider his making a railway excursion, or taking a steamboat trip, quite out of the question. You could hardly desire that he should walk in the Park, and countenance and encourage the desecration of the Sabbath on the part rs _— superior classes, by gaping and staring at their equipages and unkeys. And surely your Grace will not prefer that he should spend his time in the public-house, as be can if he likes, though he cannot spend it among the biblical pictures, and the scriptural monuments, and the wonders of creation. A few policemen might supply the place of the keepers of the Museum and the Gallery. Or a proper number of guardians might be appointed, selected from that class of Hern Mazsesty’s subjects to which the Lorp Mayor elect belongs, and who observe the Sabbath according to the written Law of their Lawgiver, and not in a different manner and on another day, that other day being prescribed by the Tradition which your Grace altogether protests against, but insists upon in this one instance. The holyday of the keepers would be preserved by the substitution of the gentlemen in the blue clothes, or of those with the aquiline noses; Anglican consistency would be maintained ; satisfaction would be given to everybody but the neopha- risees ; a great boon would be conferred on a great many people; much less gin, much less beer, and much fewer mechanics would be drunk on | |> mo. | Sunday; and very much pleasure would be afforded to your Grace’s eu SS —w — humble Servant, PUNCH. PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE. | P.S. Don’t listen to the dishonest suggestion, that the concession of |any point whatsoever, whether right or wrong, is damaging to clerical | power. | a | TEE DUKB OF SOMERSET—“* WHAT DO YOU WANT?” ILLUSTRATIONS OF SUNDAY READING, 3 Tue Dvxe or Somerset has taken the catliest opportunity of cele. | : — rating his accession to his titie, still further illustrating that To the Ancupisnor of CANTERBURY. magnanimous contempt of courtesy ‘het distinguished him as Lorp My Lorp Arcurisnor, |Szymour. His Grace, it may be remembered, refused to give security | Excuse my apparent rudeness in not addressing you as the of voting to tradesmen, because certain dealers adulterated their goods. | most Reverend Farner, &c. I rather think J am prohibited by a very If only men of unadulterated gentlemanly habits were admissible to the high Authority from calling you Faruer at all in the spiritual sense. “— Dr Lords, spare vo ae be ? - , Certainly, I have not the honour of being Mr. Sumyen, /i/s. he Duke or Somerset's hat do you want?” to Mr. ALrRE | Your Grace—I am not forbidden to apply that title to you, althougb, Hamitton, the visitor from Totnes, is quite equal in dignity to his rhaps, your primitive predecessors would have repudiated it for Get out of that, old woman,” to Mas. Annz Hicks, of the Serpentine, | oes Bina f probably aware that a petition has been got up by the Hyde Park. They may both, at some long-distant day, make part of jewellers, goldsmiths, and other trades, praying that the British his epitaph. We would further suggest as typical of his Grace, that fuseum and National Galle may be open on Sundays. I respectfully the monument should be capped with one of Anne’s ginger-beer bottles : ask your Grace to support the prayer of this petition on the following ®” earthy utensil, cold without, bottling mere pop and froth within. grounds. . nue 3 Your Grace, as a sound Protestant, must subscribe heartily to the roposition, that a material body cannot be in two places at once. A SLICE OF BULL BEEF. hilst, therefore, a jeweller, or any other artisan, or indeed, individual, “Poor Tom's a-cold.” King Lear, Act iii., Scene 4. | is eng in inspecting objects of art and natural history at the Tse Irish paper called the Nation, has published a letter which is | | National Gallery and British Museum, he cannot also be employed in truly national. The writer is a Ma. AtexanDer Pexissrer, of Mast- | drinking beer, and smoking tobacco, at the Cat and Fiddle. field, Clonmel, and the object of his communication, says the Dublia | A divine, named Watts, a Doctor of Divinity, has propounded a correspondent of the Zimes, dogma which, although the divinity of that Doctor does not on all «1» to prove that there can be no mistake with regard to the Irisli descent of the ynts coincide with that of Doctor Sumwer, your Grace will conqueror of Sebastopol.” joubdtiess endorse: namely, that the great Enemy of your Girace,and = Which fact the Hibernian Pexisster proves thus : myself, and all wankind, “ The family, he says, is originally Haguenct. Atsxayper Pewiserer, Pere, and —" finds some ————_ Jous, with two sisters, escaping from the persecution, settled in Dublin.” ated _ te So that Irish descent is identical with French extraction; and I invite your Grace seriously to consider what employment a Pappyw#ack Pe.issier originally came from France—no doubt with journeyman or mechanic of any sort can find for his time between his coat nately buttoned behind him. church hours. Will you say that he ought to be reading the Bible all er eens day ? = would be a yl duty, rend he Some your be ger for a 7 = a i common Christian man: a duty not three hu years’ old, whereas . we are now living Anxo Domini 1855. That he should be thus She Cwontest Seaees we aa. availing himself of the advantage afforded him by the invention of, Friespsutr dearly loves to crack its nut after dinner, more especially printing, and the solicitude of James tus First, would be very when it has at its side a friend and a bottle of wine, (both of whom desirable, if the occupation were as consistent with his bodily health have been mellowed and improved by age,) the better to enable it to | as it would be conducive to his spiritual welfare. Conducive to that, | crack it. | } | ' | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Octoszn 13, 1855. | le SB SBS @ 5s =: ms — os a ce ot

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wens | & Oe lo a | ’ i ' | j | but this autobiographical | i ' Octosmr 13, 1855.] RACHEL WRITING IN NEW YORK. very garbled letter of Racwet’s has} maiden to sing to them, as she double drum” upon the hearts o generations. She seemed to glide erect; and clutching about her, as though in its web were! the charm of her existenee, she mut- beneath the doomed thrones | universal downfall letter that JonaTHan has printed in he can give the true copy :-— ears since, in public, [ sang the ‘arseillaise, although daily I sing it for my own patriotic consolation. Then, Detamartive was thun- dering, hike another Mrras at the Hotel de Ville, and the barri- cades of Paris were not re = Under those ‘ea aje ne sais quoi gave me something a voice. ow, the empire is peace; and were I to make the least effort to sing the Marseillaise in New York, I feel that, on my return to Paris, | should be compelled to sing very small indeed. ing what the Marseillaise was, and as the Ophelia of the divine Wi11aMs says, “secing what I have seen, seeing what I see,” I often feel exhausted after thinking of it. | “ As a daughter of Israel, I should really fear to do wrong to interests no other than my own if I were to augment my fatigues. “You will, I am sure, believe as much as myself in the deep regret which I feel at this moment—(what I may be permitted by my strength todo on my next visit events must say)—at not daring to promise what you wish for me. “T did love to sing the Marseiliaise as much as I now love to play my finest part in CornerLiz, but—but—wous avons changé tout cela, N’est-ce pas ? “ Accept (not the Marseillaise) but the assurance of my distinguished sentiments,— “ RacHEL. “P.S. In the home of their adopted emmy or] I know anything of at least the hearts of French I must know that the native airs of that country must by adoption be to their bosoms. Hence, it will give me great pleasure to execute Fankee-Doodle. This beautiful, but | inspiring air, whilst it animates all the emotions that must ever fire the | American breast, is, nevertheless, I venture to hope, still within the compass of my voice; or, pordomacz-moi, that je ne sais quoi that a voice.” Parliamentary Intelligence. Mr. Berwat Oszorye, it is said, is busily engaged in putting the finishing touches of caustic to a tremendous Philippic he intends delivermg against the Protectionists next season. The speech is the same that the clever Secretary of the Admiralty bad prepared against the present Ministry just before he accepted office ; but it is found that with a few alterations, and of names principally, the speech will answer just as well now as then, and that there is no fear of asingle “ point ” bemg lost to the country. I don’t Believe you, my Boy. To the category of Old Boys, which used to be limited to Post-boys and Pot-boys, we must now add the whole tribe of Beggar-boys; for we ed a a ae cae been omy 3 — ealled the ~-_* graphy of a Beggar-Boy, comprisi is fifty years’ experience. We have seen Post-boys old aihiatare ew FY their second childhood, 4 Beggar-boy may be said literally to beggar | every other description of boy by the duration of his puerility. Fee! Fr! Fo! Fa! Fum!—The reason why a Doctor always| ow dl pulse is, we suppose, that he should not leave his patient | eet! )-less : PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 151 upon the stage, moving like a snake Leven had just been fined ; the tricolor Cupar justices, under the circumstances following :— though of kings, she sybil-like} chanted their oie eee P.., with & gil of waleiiy and cold water. . Now such a [= A. sybil could hardly have written the aud reported the case. The tavern-keeper was @ampmoned the instance of the Super: her name. Punch is fortunate that » “Dear Countrymen,—It is seven ' PRIVACY IN SCOTTISH LNNS. Tue “Seots wha hae wi’ Wattace bled,” shed their blood in com- in the papers. The letter with that hero from a strong ob; i i r ees to be cetnty to curtamell pany ong objection which they entertained to r fellow-countrymen, who on the | domination, and the chains were of alien man natal day of old chivalrous Lavay- | donian friends now submit to be bownd hand and foot by native tyranny ETTE, ingenuously desired the Hebrew | exercised through the Act of a species of busy bai |mean to say > been wont to sing seven before, mention this to save him the trouble of writing, and informi the Marseillaise at the Théatre Fran-| us that he is some other kind of masistate. this goatiomen gai. Magnificently, too, did she appears to have been a energies to the diminution of the chant that strain—those notes that comfort of inns, as comfort is comprised in toddy. | have beaten like “the double, double, Such, at least, is the nabliral inferences from a letter signed “ Bona f' Fre,” which yl re im the Seoteman, headed “ chains and slayery”’ The slavery, however, consisted in forei ; but our Cale- bailie body. Not that we Ma. Forsas Macxeyzre is literally a bailie—we Seotch r Macxenzre’s Act,” is F | : : : t up at the tavern-keeper's and engaged his bed for the teringly chanted that grand air, as Kg of the sl fair, the tavern-keeper’s house wae cleaned eleven o'clock P-x., the traveller fram Lochgelly retired to his bedreom, where he was fu some he doom geatiemaa in his bed-toom with intendent of Potice, amd on the case being called yesterday, nation, and submitted to the Justices whether he had contravened the statute. olice ndent | : i i When a policeman can walk into a man’s bed-room, in order to see whether or no he is Gi we f grog at a late hour, without incurring the peril of being legally kicked owt again, the degree of personal liberty, to which a people amongst whom that possibility exists has descended, may be said to be low. Are there no exemptions from liability to this surveillance of the Police? If so, the Highlands will be a very unsuit- able destination for any tourist wearing petticoats other than tartan, | and reaching below the knee. Sex constitutes no exemption from | being taken ill in the night, and wanting a drop of brandy—or whisky. It might pay an officious constable in to watch hotels late of nights, mark any sudden light reer in the window, rush up and demand entrance, and get considerably bribed for waiving his right of | intrusion into a lady’s chamber. Her Masesry, on her way to Bal- | moral, if she ever chose to put up for a night at a hotel, may run the risk of being much incommoded y some over-active and fanatical | officer. The happy pairs who leave St, George’s, Hanover Square, will not so often quit that sacred and fashionable edifice for the vicimty of | Ben Nevis and Loch Lomond, as such beatified parties used to do | before the Act of this Mackenzie gave such very extraordinary powers | to constables, in order to check the consumption of the pr of | Islay and Glenlivat. | sie | i Dropping a Line. Tue clever fellows who undertook to lay down the electric telegraph for communication between England and America have laid it down so thoroughly that nobody can get it up again. The whole of the cable has dropped into the ocean, and the —_ eeue who will receive any communication through this telegraph is old Fatuza Nerrung, who 1s | destined to be literally “ troubled with a line,” for a large twisted 5 | at the bottom of one’s bed must be a source of very annoyance. GREAT BENEFIT OF THE COUNTRY. ) A necuiar Cockney says: “ There is certainly one decided advan-— tage that a person derives from living im the country; and that is, it enables him to wear out his old clothes and boots, and to put on such | worn-out shabby things generally as he never could think of wearing in | town.” A Certainty as Safe as the Bank. A Bawx-sote is frequently cut im two, and sent on different days through the Post to ensure its safe delivery. And so it is with Sebastopol. we have already received one-half, and expect the remit- tance of the other half by the arrival of the next despatches. PROM THE HIGHLANDS. A VERY suspicious-looking le has been observed hovering about | the Royal ioe of Balmoral. It is supposed that the bird of omen has an eye towards Hen Masesty’s dove-cote.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. $n {Octoper 13, 1855, Ben. “I say, Jack !—Give us A LIFT DOWN WITH THESE HERE BLOOD-STAINBD RUINS PROM SEBASTERPOOL 1” [“ Sebastopol is only a heap of blood-stained ruins.”—Gortscuaxorr to his Imperial Master. THE PLAYGROUND IN TRAFALGAR SQUARE. We do not know which is a greater nuisance, the playing of the fountains or the playing of the boys, in Trafalgar Square. ‘This locality is daily the scene oft variety of games in which the passengers reluc- | tantly find themselves implicated ; for every moment they are liable to become involved in the popular diversion of Cat, or the still more exciting sport of Rounders. Now and then, a quiet pedestrian becomes the centre of a game at Leap-frog before he is aware of it, and it will occasionally happen that he is made to'serve as “a back” by a string of promiscuous young black s,, who in the enthusiasm of the moment, are going “over” everything that falls in their way. The appearance of a Policeman only serves to add variety to the daily sports ; for ditectly he comes in sight, he acts as a sort of signal for the com- mencement of a race of the most exciting character, when the whole of the assembled gamins rush off at a tremendous pace, tumbling over the parapets, and executing a kind of steeple-chase over old gentlemen and | apple-stalls, ladies and children, anything and everything, in the direction of St. Martin’s Church, Since it seems that Trafalgar Square is to be converted into a play- ground for all the tag-raggery of the Metropolis, we can only call upon the authorities to appoint & {lester of the Revels, that there may be | something like order inthe conduct of the games. If one of the basins | were to be cléared out, and a Clown to the ring appointed, his acetic | would be useful in filling up any gap in the entertainments which the Trafalgar Square juveniles are in the habit of finding for themselves. England's Political A.B.C. Aout the only Education that the State gives its children are the | letters of the Alphabet on the Coilars of the Police. : Government doubtlessly imagines that a boy who has gradaally worked his way to the Old Bailey through the letters of the Alphabet is sure in after-life to mind his letters. ‘Thus, the State shirks its parental duty of Educa- tion, and the consequence of this neglect is, that so many of the boys | in large towns are “ brought up” by the Police! | A Kryvry Crrtic.—One who gives you a hand at an awkward pass to help you over the Style. ' Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Prederick Mullett E Printers, at thelr Utiece in Lombard Street, ia the Preciset of Whitefriars, = Loadoa.—Sarvanat, October 1, isda, sons '—have ‘taken the Pore’s last manufacture of No. 19, Queen's Read Weet, Regent's Park, beth in_the City of Loadoa, and Puolished by them at No, %, Fleet & IMMACULATE CANNON. Tr is said that the Empzror or Tue Frencu has lately called that very naughty old boy the Pors to task; and that Pro Noxo, far from continuing to feel the obligation of French bayonets, has answered nm full pomtificalibus. We yet live in hope—we, have seen such twirls of the political teetotum—to see Louis NapoLgon a very moral imperial schoolmaster. ‘He has snubbed the Pors, and may yet birch the King of the Stick himself. In the meanwhile let us live in hope. If, however, anything could add to the pos i —if tue deepest scarlet could still be dyed a fiercer patent against his Holiness, that the clergy of Pari tint—it is the fact , Obedient Conception as joyfully, as huggingly, as your own little girl— reader—would embrace and fondle a known, that Sebastopol has final not to the bombs of the Allies, but to. the flams of the Vatican. Sebastopol has gone down; | irgim that blew away the | but it was the wrath of the immaculate Vi i of a Pope | Be meme atal | doll. Why, it is not generally | Malakhoff, even as she might have blown away a thistledown in Galilee. | To be sure, she was induced—we may not say bribed—to the act, by the promise of a handsome present. piety, testifies to the fact -— “ Seareely had one of our Bishops obtained an assurance that the bronze of the ie Unevers, in its triumphant cannon taken from the enemy should be empleyed to raise a colossal statue to Votre no.” Dame de Prance, when two days after, 4,000 guns fell into our The assurance of a few more statues might, baply, leave Russia without a single gun. It is the more kind of the immaculate Virgin to have brought about this vietory, seeing that so many heretical allies | were fightmg for it. merciful inducement. Hence—who knows ?—a single piece of brass ordnance, delivered to us from Russia, may bring over, more o! Belgravia to Rome than twenty Wisemans ! AMENDMENT OF JOHNSON. Rrsatp. An abusive epithet applied by turneoats, quacks, hypo crites, humbugs, and fools to the Press for showing them up. 4 the f St. Pancrar County of Middleset. * rot St Bede, in the Chy af m the Parish of But this may have been vouchsafed as 2 | |

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<< ar |

| castigate France and England OctosER 20, 1855.) a

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 153

} |

TERRIBLE PROPOSITION. | Ferocious Hairdresser. “ Now, Sm, sBact I Take tHE Pints ovr THE Waskerrs /” |

THE LEAGUE OF CROWNED SAUSAGES. Mr. Puwcn presents his most. abjectly reverential compliments to | the Krve or Prussia, and all the rest of the German Sovereigns up- wards, and hastens to retract every line and syllable which may have appeared in this work, calculated to give the faintest offence to any one of the aforesaid Sovereigns, from the pettiest in point of territory, down | - the pettiest i in point of character—need he again name the Kive or RUSSIA ? He hopes that this retractation will be attributed to its proper cause (conviction that he was wrong in venturing to offer any criticism upon the conduct of these illustrious personages), and not to the bewilder- | ment of terror, into which he has been thrown by the following | announcement of the intentions of the above-named Sovereigns to In the correspondence of the Press, appeared, on Saturday, this appalling notification :— “ How do the Germanic Sovereigns propose to combat the rational demands for a reformed Confederation which shall form a barrier against Russia? Here is the answer. By forming a A... -4 of neutrality, by attempting to induce France and England, by persuasion, and that failing, by force—this is not said in jest—sy rorce, | to aceept such terms of peace as they, the Sovereigns of Prussia agd Austria, with the , and which shall at the same time repress the liberalism of Germany.” “By Force!” Yes, Cuicqvor anp Company are going to put us, | down! And high time, too. Nay, there must be no mistake as to the fact. The writer of the above paragraph adds, thai the Kinc or WcaTeMBEne | and the Kuve or ae + met at Coblentz to establish such a league as is above menti he Great Sausage League is, we believe, to be its historical met the Party of the Kings, which is self-named the Parti de la ay bas an accredited organ, which puts the threat in explicit language, and proceeds :— “ Si la ligue des neutres se dressait compacte et résolne, si [on préparait des forces de terre et de mer pour soutenir ses projeta, si Yon 4 avancait sur le thedcre de la lutte avec des offres honorables et dignes, les parties belligérentes y refiechiraient avant de Tepousser cette action ou cette médiation, si l'on veut lui downer ce nom. | timidate the arr be The League of Ki is to ITS SEA AND LAND FORCES, to in- iG reat Sausaze League will be down upon us in thunder. Already, the terrible “sea forces” of Prussia are swarming at Dantzic; the mighty navy of Saxony is crowding the noble sea-port of Dresden ; Wurtemberg, from her ocean towers, is signalling her ships to come from the uttermost parts of the world: and the huge naval arsenals of Ratisbon and Munich are alive with the clang of the | twam, the survivors betook shighuiidor of ge Buraie. Russia has a fleet is the Black Sea ; but the keels of her German tee plough the surface of the deep, and the sun of the Allies is set. us make terms—the Sausage League tells us that we shall “reflect,” but we will not wait disrespectfully to do that—let us accept “cette Médiation,” and humbly ask what the League would like us to do? It is no time to trifle, now. The Baltic Fleet is coming home, certainly; but what—even if we presumed to think of resistance—could that against the navy of Germany ? There was another Sa n former days, — for its exploits, are they not recorded by t faithful historian Rapetais? The furious Sausages of the Wild Island, incensed at the acts of the wise and kincly-natured giant Paytacavugt, and his friends, determined to give him battle. It was a te giant. PantaGRvet was vaturally “ very mueh daunted,” for after a-~- 2 *an ambus- cade of squab Gierags el in eet, ” he bebeld seventy-eight standards os with the “ Their a proud gait, and resolute body made as ju a eee none of your raw, Le Any links, but old warlike and their right and left flanks were armed with a great ne of —y (probably Hick x Puddings.” mga is ae always to Kings or ne ook pon the daring League, an has some slashing = nw hnckng wad “dicing of the fat thieves in ves to their heels, scampering off with full i ont, as if the Devil had come for them, while a wonderful | shower of suddenly and eompleted the rout.” What “a it should be thas. with the Parti de la Croiz—the League of Kings? ‘There are about seventy-eight standards in Germany, and terrible as it may be to the Pawracnoztiay Alliance - see them approaching, and the devices of the Crowned Chitterlings flying in the air, France and England may yet find artists who, Rectan on Be the Russian Goose, will not om of being able to deal with the German rr, Only, instead of Mustard, it is meg’ that the Anointed x [pot Kings threaten us,” said Dawrow ; “we throw at their | feet our gage of battle—the head of a King!” T of The Allies wijl not do | this, for several reasons ; one being that they would be perplexed to find 'a King with a head at this present writing. But if the coalized Sausages threaten us with their “forces de terre et de mer,” Punch thinks that—much as he grudges wasting good victuals—he must throw at Cricqvor’s feet a pound of the most superior Eppings. Punch retracts his retractation, and defies even the mighty Armada of Germany. A bas les Saucisses / THE POOR PHAKISEES OF WORCESTER. My Sabbatarian Mogiarapee—s0 youve had to repay The man you fined illegally in such a cruel way For only cutting his own corn upon ths the Sabbath day. Now meekly take your reprimand, and it as ye may. Tremendous Justice Pearson, thou, a Reverend Divine, Presiding Genius of the Bench, whose will imposed the fine, At having to refund it, don’t—I hope you won ’t—repine ; You ’il kiss the rod—I know you will—I should, were your case mine. Of course you did not puff, Sir, and of course you did not blow, When you got that note from Waddington—no, gentle Parson ; no! Your arms you folded on your breast ; ejaculated “Oh!” And turn’d your pious eyes up, and said softly, “ Be it so!” You still think you were right, Sir; never mind, Sir, never mind ; You ’re a martyr, Sir; a martyr : be to martyrdom resign’ d. Bless you, Sir!—you leave Latuwer and Rrpvey far behind In suffering for conscience’ sake, and that old Wri.1ams fined. Old WitttaMs, when he reap’d his corn on Sunday, still suppose, Did not a necessary work ; to reap’s not one of those ; But’tis a necessary work to shave each hair that grows One single line above a wart beneath a Parson’s nose. THE POOR MAN’S APOSTROPHE TO CONTENT. “On! Content, that to the Captive maketh his chains as light as feathers ; that to the Pilgrim, boileth the peas in his shoes; that to the Maid-of-all-work, levelleth five pairs of stairs to the height of one: that to the Wife, sitting up for her husband, giveth wings to the clock as during the days of courtship ; that to the Sehool- “boy, softeneth the rod with flowers ; that to the Policeman, toiling on his beat, garlandeth the area-railings with yards of blooming sausages and ropes of the duck suggestive onion—grant, that I may learn Fg my double Income Tax with pleasure, deriving comfort and consolation from the thought that I am helping, with my hard-earned contribution, to give that cantankerous, obstreperous old Russian Bear a joily wood thrashing !”

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THE RETURN FROM THE BALTIC. HE Baltic Fleet is about to return home; the play- ful little salute to Riga (which the inhabitants of that place were perfectly astonished to hear had been intended as a bor bardment) bringing exploits of the expedition to a triumphant close for the year. The order in which the vessels will re- appear is not yet known, = but it is supposed at Ports- mouth that the smaller | ships, the Castious, the Discretion, the Hare, the Tortoise, the Fabius, the Inquirer, the Examiner, the Reasoner, the Lingerer, and the Observer will re- turn first; the next squa dron being composed of the Harmless, the Threat ener, the Demonstration, the Imposition, the Absti- nence, and the Looker-on ; the rear being brought) up by the Lumberer, the Hulker, the Wopper, the Colossus, the Floating Cas- tle, and the Preposterous. It is most gratifying to philanthropists to know, that very few casualties have occurred to anybody during the visit of the Fleet to the Baltic waters. TAKE CARE OF YOUR COMPLEXIONS ! Tue processes of gilding gold and painting the lily are becoming soon blow over. quite surpassed as byper-superfluities by the means which are adopted _— RI. [Octoser 20, 1855. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVA — a THE BACCHANALS OF COLOGNE, 3ACCHUS wore a vine-leaf crown ; So did old Stremus; Myrtle sprigs did trim the gown And deck the hair of Vewvs. Either plant our King befits, As loud as we can shriek O, Ye people, sing then, Jo Fritz! And halioo Bea Ciicquor | Juiaus Cassar had his wigs, So says ancient story, Made of twisted laurel twigs, Periwigs of glory. Ciicquot’s chaplet of the vine Suggests a state more glorious, Although, of course, *tis not the sign Of having been victorious. Ciicqvot bas a right to wear Wreaths of sacred myrtle, Though there is no lineal heir To our Sovereign Turtle. Yet has he not one nephew, to Await his crown so steady ? And has he not another, who Is Exreror already ? Ciicgvot! wear the double wreath ! Drinking each like twenty, We will ~ t,. dance beneath Thy “ gol horn of ty.” Roaring ourselves into fits ; As long as we can speak O, Let all of us shout Jo Farrz! And bellow Ere Cricquot! ll. No fear of an explosion in Germany—at best it will be but a smouldering volcano of German Tinder, -A little smoke, and it will 12. The King, Lords, and Commons of the German Diet are repre- by young ladies now-a-days for protecting their complexions. Some sented by :—Sourkrout, Small Beer, and Small Germans. few seasons since we fancied that the foree of rvation could no further go, when those feminine infernal machines called “ uglies” 13. The first step a Prussian takes in public life is the goose-step. 14. If Prussia is an Eagle that has shown the Russian white feather, were invented. But a recent visit to a bs oy ag (we will not | Aastria is only a paper Kite—a Kite that is only enabled to keep up by make the others envious by specifying which), ceived us: and although we now imagine that the climax has been | reached, we have still a latent fear that we shall find next year it hasn’t. | Philosophy. Our readers will, however, probably » with us, that it will require | some ingenuity to increase the methods of — which have already been adopted, when we tell them that the other day we saw— | completely unde- | the enormous length of Bills it has tied to its tail. 15. One grain of English Sense is worth a whole bushel of German MANAGERIAL DOCILITY. or rather we vainly tried our utmost to see—a young lady, who pre- | Tue Manager of Drury Lane has set an example to which we see no served at once her complexion and incognito by wearing— Item. A Round Hat, of the first magnitude: doubled down to eclipse | inconvenience. Havin all but her chin ! | takes exceptions, the Item. An Ugly: of magnitude to match ! ! Item. A Veil!!! Item, A Parasol!!!! rticular objection, except that its adoption might entail some little produced a drama to which one of the critics anager writes to the paper in which the stric- | tures appeared, and states that he wil! comply with the Critic’s wishes, |eut the drama into the number of acts recommended, and otherwise | follow the directions given. We have no doubt that in the present And the worst of it is, that very many of these young ladies who muffle themselves up in this more than Turkish manner (for the Turkish women do at least allow their eyes to be llooked at), have nothing to be ashamed of that they should so hide their he for. | On the contrary, indeed, it is a cruel fact, that the prettiest faces are in general made the most invisible. — A HANDFUL OF GERMAN SILVER. 1. Gerwany is a rich cake, cut up into a number of small pieces. 2. ‘The lights of German Philoso y are little better than pipe-lights. 3. The Prussian Constitution is a great Pudding, first mixed in 1815, and which has been boiling ever since, so that it has all boiled away, and now there’s nothing but the dirty cloth left. +. Kings sow promises, and the people reap moonshine. 5. Donkeys prefer thistles to theories. 6. When the German Goose is cooked, there will be no lack of sausages. 7. Liberty will never light her torch from a German pipe. 8. Your German is all smoke, and no fire. 9. German pride simply amounts to this :—Sourkrout will not mix with cabhage. 10. Political Schools in Deutschland have been broken up long ago ; the last master starved for want of pupils. | with situations.” However, so long as instance the process will be an improvement. But if dramatic produc- tions are to be thus dealt with, we think that the Critics ought to meet, and agree as to what they shall demand of a Manager. Otherwise the latter may be embarrassed. One Reviewer may have a pleasant home, and social habits, and therefore may like short plays, which enable him | to get away early—another may have a controversial wife and declama- tory offspring, and therefore may desire nine acts and fourteen ‘ab/eaur as a justification for the latch-key, and non-domestic oysters. Then one, being of a kindly and gentle nature, will, as is usually the case, like murders and all sorts of horrors on the stage, and his contempo- rary, being of a savage disposition, equally of erat elegant dialogue and repartee, and the Manager may be advi on the same morning, to “cut out the brutal scene where the ruffian throws his mother-in-law and grandmother into the fiery furnace,” and to “ excise the scene where all that snip-snap talk, intended for epigram, interferes pay the utmost attention to everything but the literature of their dramas, the com- petent critic must do in type what ought to be done by the Reader to the theatre. A Remarkably Healthy Clause. To be henceforth introduced into all Marrtage- Contracts). _ Twat, in all families where Jars abound, it is clearly understood that it is the wife who pays for all the breakages. . ° Tt from bh Th Lord: be pe offen PRED crave Mr it for of th value one ' supp ventu of a the the s piace youn; day,- coror the ]

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7; we “ ee OU, Oe ee ee,

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON Octoper 20, 1855.)

THE ATTITUDE OF PRUSSIA. _- ; E have observed that “Our own Correspon- dents” see strange things. Here for in- stance is a picture of the present attitude of Prus- . sia, which “our own” avers to have been drawn by “an eminent diplomatist,” and to have been exhibited lately in printat Berlin : “ Prussia im the present world-crisis is like a noble animal of the forest, sitting motionless on its kinder part, with head erect, showing ber teeth, and with watehfnl eye, attacking no one, but ready to sprieg on the firs’, whoever he may be, that menaces or irritates her.” Not being much of a zoclogical turn, we are somewhat at a loas to ruess what “noble animal of the forest” is referred to. As far as we cam com-| prehend it, the description seems to us to point to something between a mad dog and a donkey at bray. If, however, we were asked to find a zoological represen-| tative for Prussia, we should say it might be typified in that respect most fitly | by its Sovereign, who, according to all accounts, now daily makes a beast of | himself. In which case the above description might with greater truth to life run thus: ‘CLiequvor, like a noble animal ‘of the mahogany, sits with fuddled head and bloodshot eye, attacking no one but the man, whoever he may be, that steps the bottle.”

i ; '

THE LAMBTON CASTLE BABIES. We read in a provincial paper,— “The young Viscouwr Lampton, heir of the Eart ov Doawam, being a twin, is distingnished | from his younger brother, Frepeaicx W1t1am, by a blue silk ribbon tied round his right wrist.” This will not do. Emphatically, Mr. Punch, as an adorer of the House of Lords and the respected aristocracy generally, repeats, this will not do. May he | be permitted to show why? He will put a case without intending the slightest offence to the Eart or Dunnam, or th Lameton, or the Honouras_e Freperick WittiaM Lampton, or anybody else; but still a case worthy of crave consideration. Mr. Punch knows nothing of the arrangements of Lambton Casile, but he takes it for granted that the nursery department is confided to the care of ahead nurse of the most exemplary and conscientious character, one whose faiih in the — value and influence of primogeniture is worthy of the nurse of an Ear!’s heir; one who would shudder at the profanity of a mistake in such a matter. But suppose—it is almost profane in Mr. Punch to suppose it, but he will patriotically venture—this nurse should, in carelessness, or in wilfulness, or under the control of a wicked and demoeratic husband—privately transfer the blue silk ribbon from the Viscount’s little fat creased wrist to Frepenick’s, and this being done in the seerecy and silence of night, the following morning the brothers should or places, and the Viscount’s wet nurse should administer to the comforts of the younger baby, who should thenceforth become “ hy, he does what he hikes, And he drinks, swears, and strikes, And bangs Managers’ backs with his cane. “ And why is he Lonp Envest Vawe? Aud why is be Lonp Banest Vang?” Because his late father, A better rather, Had a tosthen, athaadl though insane. “ And who pays for my Loan Buyest Vane ? And who pays for a lea Eawest Vane?” Why, you do, and I, For the taxes supply His pay to this “ savage,” young Thane. “ And what said my Loup Eanesr Viwn ? And what said my Lonp Exnest Vane?” When policemen for he impertinent lad, In the actress’s room to remain, Why, thus said my Lonp Eayest Vane, And thus said my Loxp Exwnest Vane, “ You infernal thief, you, Nasu, your bidding they do. I'll kill you ’—neat statement and plain. * And what did my Lory Ervest Vawe? And what did my Lory Eanest Vane?” Why in ome of all prayers, He flung Nasu down stairs, And ¢hen punch’d him, with might and with main. “ But they punish’d my Loap Euwest Vaye. Sure they punish’d my Loan Eunust Vane?” Yes, they levied a fine, On your money and mine, Which greatly distress’d the young Cary. “ And where is my Lonp Eayest Vane?” And where is my Loap Exnest Vane? ” Why, being a Lord, He retains his gay sword, And swaggers in scarlet again. “ He has ‘friends,’ then, this Lory Pawest Vaye ? He has ‘friends,’ then, this Lonp Exwest Vane?” He has, and he’s sent Where he'll pitch a Snob’s tent, Among soldiers of names without stain. “ Then good-bye to my Lory Exyest Vave, Then good-bye to my Loap Eunest Vane!” Yes, good-bye to that Snob, And a very good job That we ’re quit of bad heart and bad brain. “ But the System that made Eawest Vane? But the System that made Eanest Vanu?”’ That makes us all fluokeys To such titled monkrys—” Ah! when will /Aaé finish its reign ? The Servants’ Hail. Tux secret Tribunal that sits in judgment over the Drawing-room, and every night issues its decrees that are distributed all over the neighbourhood the next morning.

ne phen ater ama

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI a CHESTERFIELD FOR SOMERSET HOUSE. | CoMPLarNts ate continually being made of the incivility of the elerks in many Government Offices, particularly of the su mates employed in that department of Somerset House where the money is received for stamps and taxes. It appears that these persons are greatly addicted to the useof bad language, consisting in answers which are much moré ¢oneise than perspicuous, delivered in a rough and rude tone and manner, to applicants for information which it is their busi- | ness to afford. ‘These brief and brutal replies, moreover, are, in effect, misdirections as to forms requiring to be filled up, and therefore not | only excite disgust and indignation, but also entail inconvenience and | eXpense To rewedy this nuisamee, a measure is hereby proposed, which has | produced a great amelioration of the manners of a class of persons, whose speech and demeanour were once not much less objectionable than the tone and bearing of these officials. Let it be enacted, that every individual of the latter class shall, like each member of the former, be compelled, under a penalty, to wear a badge, numbered and con- spicuously apparent. And let it be farther emacted, that every individual aforesaid shal!, for the neglect, in the discharge of bis duty, to return a sufficient answer, or for returning a rough, abrupt, or uncivi! answer,to any person whomsoever, de liable to be summoned before one of Her Masesrr’s Justices of the Peace, and on being convicted of any such offence, shall, for each offence, forfeit a given sum; or, in —— of payment, be imprisoned in the House of Correction for one week, Respectful behaviour to that Public whose taxes they subsist upon, would soon, by some such measure as the above, be enforced on ines insolent fellows; precisely as it has been on the comparatively polite cabmen— polite comparatively not only to their own predecessors, but | also to the contemporary class of underlings at Somerset House. A BRhenish Fog. Tue Krve or Paussta is reported to have lost his way in a fog on the Khine, and to have got to Aix-la-Chapelle too late for dimer. This is a myth, of course. We know of what fumes the fog was constituted, and what was meant by the statement that Fraeperick Wit.tam lost his way. But we don’t know how his Majesty’s nose is, and we wish we did, LANDING OF TOM NODDY. HIS HORSE HAVING HAD ENOUGH OF IT, RETURNS TO HIS STABLE. MAKING ALLOWANCE, Ar a recent meeting of the Creditors of Paut, Srranan anv Co, & proposition was made and agreed to, that two of the Bankrupts should have an allowance out of the assets; or, im other words, that | the defrauded Creditors should pay for the support of the parties who | are accused of having defrauded them. Thi seems to us very | like a demand from a open that the prosecutor, whore handker- chief has been stolen, shall at once provide for the light-fingered ‘* party” and his family, if he pepeee to have any. We really bankrupt—and especially a fraudulent one—should at the expense of bis unfortunate Creditors. If the pathising friends, let the friends oy all means show their sympathy in any manner they may think fit; but if the ex-bamkers are without the means of support, the law—we mean the Poor-Law—supplies a refuge. It may be said, that there is money in hand, but this money no more belongs to the bankers than does the.“ swag,” as it is expressively jealled, which is found in the possession’ of & patty of thieves who are | detected in the midst of their operations. ecan make allowance for la deal of human frailty, but we must say that an allowance—of 4 pecuniary kind—to Pivt, SrxamAw ann Co. is far beyond the limits ‘of our rather “enlarged” philanthropy. NOTES AND QUERIES ON ’CHANGE. Is there no law to hang for high treason any person, or persons, knowingly concerned in negotiating a Russian joan in this country, or in sending or procuring to be sent pecuniary supplies to the enemy ? If not, why is not Parliament called away at once from the pheasants, and such a law enacted instantly? What can there be more eminently contraband of war than the sinews of war ? : Note, in reference to the question of the gallows: that war is aD | exceptional state ; and an extreme case demands an extreme remedy. Migkt not a law, not generally desirable, be advantageously intro- duced on the Stock Exchange—the law, to wit, Transatlantically called Lynch? Not to suggest that capital punishment should be inflicted, might not tar be applied, with feathers, under this law, to all manner 0! persons convicted of wilfully spreading false rumours, with a view “ create embarrassment in our national affairs? In which case, would not certain Greek Firms assume the very suitable externals wich denote “ birds of a feather ?”

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a / j 4 \ j SN ¢ —_—_— “ ' _ gy | SS _* 4 ~. > . ~~ ~ ¥ 5 - ros ait SN " = > —S a f ~S = : > S i] => —— } > Won i SS S———O - ‘ = os by Ss = S = \ . SS ay ——_ ~ = ——. S at - —> 3 : SS — ~ = - —_&- ait SS - - za \lh¢ ~ a] 4 it? hh = | « e———- : | = Z s a : ————J ~ f b | > 1 z - f- = ett > i= Sttty “ i a : - , / NWR WORE | / bat i a miu! Fry || Da oy . | ? ’ who ) CR ( « + | ’ r- ~ : 7” yh | = S ya = the | cat WA ept i¢ } 7 WS \ } TENA ym- ‘y | \ " SS any “ ‘ ’] ‘ “ Ns } WK 2 ge NG 7 oN aa ‘ao - if \, rely 4 \ ie . are LS for 4 \\ P ‘ yf a N\ ~—aEeee * nits a — ; : ms, ar 7 — * : If | Ps =—_==: _ ana —— _—_ itly a ~ an | . T ry’ ry. rou" ‘ , ry’ ~ | WHAT WE MUST COME TO. ed, } J Old Party (to P—nm—re). “OH, IF YOU PLEASE, SIR,—DID YOU WANT A SPERITY OLD WOMAN TO SEE ald | AFTER THINGS IN THE CRIMEA? NO OBJECTION TO BEING MADE A FIELD MARSHAL, AND GLORY NOT ich 50 MUCH AN OBJECT AS A GOOD SALARY!”

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| Jvnes, (a young Octoper 20, 1855.] NITOCRIS AT DRURY LANE. Tur play-bill reading public of the Metropolis, who are versed in the literature of large type and the poetry of the paste-pot, have for some time been amused and amazed by a placard issued from Drury Lane, which throws all previous broadsides into the shade—or the waste- paper basket—by its display of learning and mystery. Antiquarian research has become fashionable among theatrical managers, who appear to be up to their eyes im the dust of ages; and it will soon begin to be a question of rivalry as to which theatrical lessee shall be regarded as the reguiar dustman of the past, and which theatre shall be looked upon as the original dust-hole of antiquity. The play-bill of Drury Lane commences with the announcement of “an ori Egyptian play,” followed by the confession, that “the early ages of Egypt are lost in dark mystery.” Undaunted by this obscurity, the management has been groping about in the dark for the last eighteen months, aided by the lghts of Denon, FirzBaxt, Dyxwynkys, and Heroporus. “ No research has been too trymg” for the patience and purse of the lessee, who has distributed his agents and his money over every spot where anything was likely to be found to aid in “reviving the associations of the Pharaonic period.” Every- thing bearing any pretensions to an ian character has been ran- sacked, from a coffee-cup to a Colossus, and we dare say that even the Egyptian Hall, in Pi illy—where the lessee of Drury Lane recently exiubited the African Twins—was occupied in the hope that some Egyptian notions might_be got out_of it. After so much expectation had been raised, the house was, ‘naturally enough, crowded to semi-suffocation, or partial asphyxia, on the opening night, when the result of so much learning and so vast an outlay of money was to be presented to the public. To preserve the antiquity of the whole affair, the writing of the piece had been en- trusted to the celebrated Mr. FitzBa.t, one of our oldest dramatists. The list of characters commenced rather mysteriously with Mes- phra (King of Foyt), Mr. Epear, and Zihrak (a young Egyptian, conquered by Mesphra), Mr. Barry Sutiivay. This seemed to us very like Victoria ( ngland), Mrs. Anysopy, and 7 by Victoria), Ma. Nosopy. If Mesphra went about “ nering” his subjects, his sovereignty must have been no sinecure, it must have been rather a relief to him when, in an early part of the play, he was stretched lifeless on the stage, pierced—or rather poked—to the waistcoat by a formidable and rather authentic-looking tian weapon. We will not go through the whole of the plot, which turns upon the love of Nitocris for Tihrak, who saved her life—or rather her leg—from the jaws of a crocodile. While the lady was walking near the Nile, the brute in question opened his mouth, in the bope that Nitocris would put her foot in it, when 7¥Arak turned the animal into a sheath for his scymitar. Nitocris becomes Queen, and marries Tihrak, who is, of course, conspired against, and who, by what is called in the bills “a great effect, intro- ducing a new electric tinted light, invented by Mz. Kenn,” overcomes his enemies. This “ effect” is certainly striking, and says a great dea! for the completeness of the water-works of Egypt; for Tihrak, who is suddenly elevated from the chair he has just taken to the roof, turns on the main, and the water is supposed to rush into the Banquet Hall. The water is, however, of a peculiar kind, fcr it does not extinguish the lights, which are seen burning as brilliantly as ever through the inundation. The nuteaen, Ginien. perhaps, that they are born to be either hanged or drowned, quietly adopt the latter alternative ; and, instead of even jumping on to the chairs and tables, or hanging on to the lofty columns as well as they surrender themselves quietly to their fate, and lie down with a di determination not to struggle, or to rise even once to the surface. Tihrak having turned on the main to subdue his enemies, quietly turns it off, that 4 may have the satisfac- tion of viewing them grouped together, like so many drowned rats, under “the new electric tinted light, invented by Mr. Kerr,” and contributing greatly to the ghastly. appearance of the swamped conspirators. . Nobody, we believe, claims any literary merit for the piece itself, which is a mere vehicle—and rather a slow one—for the effects arising out of it. Some of the imcidents were rather dangerously |udicrous, and the audience appeared to relish the absurd position of a certain “dark warrior,” who coming in with a “mission” which he might have easily fulfilled half a dozen times over, if he had proceeded at once to his work—that of killing Ti#rak—became so extremely dilatory over the business that 7israé killed him instead, and the “ mission ” accord- ingly failed by the dispatch of the missionary. lt must be allowed that the piece is well got up, and does credit to the liberality of the mamagement. On the first night, the andience clamoured for a few extra acts that seemed to have been left out, which proved that the public, when it can’t have too much of a good thing, will not be satisfied with having too little of a bad one. ‘This remark refers to the dialogue and not to the accessories of the piece, for the iter are very gorgeous, while the former had been very properly cur- and the restoration of the missing act is no improvement. It is PUNCH, Ck THE LONDON CHARIVARL 159 only just to the lessee to say, that he has done his part well—that he has engaged ihe best avajiable performers—including Miss (Gtrw who did all she could for an indifferent part, and that he has succeedec im producing a spectacle, the splendour of which will be sufficiently attractive to repay much of the outlay that has been bestowed on it. WHY DON’T NEWSPAPERS GO BY POST ? Tu above inquiry, which is now made on all sides, may perhaps be answered by the following copy of the last Instructions furnished on the subject. Instruction No. 185,990, cancelling Nos. 11, 1002, 3097, 4608, 9751, and 15,555 INSTRUCTION TO POSTMASTERS. It being desirous to check a Ribald Press, by placing every ible obstacle in the way of transmitting journals, you are hereby ordered to take that notice as the basis of your dealings with all posted Newspapers. In answer to any npeey by the public as to the proper mode of for- warding any D nnmny alate civil, and give the most elaborate instructions, always, ever, conveying the impression, that it would be wiser not to attempt sending the paper at all. In the event of a journal being sent in a way which palpably violates the new rules, de not always detain it. Its exewption under such circumstances, wil! produce imitation, and then a large crop of disputes and complaints will arise. If three journals are posted by the same party, al! in violation of the rules, deliver one and detain two. The apparent inconsistency of this course will create fresh confusion in the public mind. When an indignant recipient who finds his paper inscribed “ Not in accordance with the law,” and himself ‘muicted in an enormous postage, comes in to demand explanation, tell him that you cannot understand the reason of the over-charge, but that he had better write to head-quarters—the utility of this latter process being proverbial. There is no wish that the transmission of ys should be over- | burdensome to you, and you are at liberty to delay them, should your | own business make it inconvenient for you to forward them until next | post. eee f Close examination is strictly enjoined, and this cannot be done in a hurry, nor is it expected that you should sacrifice valuable time to the | purpose. Breakfast and supper offer the best occasions for your looking over the journals, and Sunday morning for the weekly press. Lose no opportunity of abusing the recent alteration and the new | orders, as this will cause additional conviction that the chance of a Newspaper being delivered is very scanty. You are aware that the affixed stamp is very liable to be detached in your letter-box, or if your counter to be damp, or if your | thumb should be sticky while sorting. On no account omit to notice | the absence of an affixed stamp. Act up to the spirit of these instructions, and the present belief of the public, that the chances are against a Newspaper being delivered, will become certainty, and the desired effect will be produced. General Post Office, St. Martin's le Grand. APPEAL TO THE TRIUMVIRATE. Kossurtu, and Mazzont, and Lepau Roum, Why not be content to effect what you can? You are doing your utmost dissension to sow In what should be one camp with one common foe Why—blindly and doggedly bent on extremes ? Why will you insist on unfeasible schemes ? Accept an instalment, and wait for full pay : Rome was not built, and will not be freed in a day. Oh! how can you be such a triad of fools ? You serve the Czar more than his creatures and tools ; You are three Kussian agents—and all we can say Is—we trust that you are so without Russian pay ! Imperial Small Talk. Tue Exreror ov Rvssta is going about expressing his readiness to | af his shed “the last drop of his blood” m defence country. We have no doubt that when he makes up his mind to part with the first drop, the last will be quite at the serviee of who chooses to take it. We suspect, however, that the Czan has no intention of putting bim- self on tap in the manner — even pour encourager les autres, who | are being hourly drained of sure of their imperial master. | the blood they possess to suit the plea- | i a em RT Sen Si nee eR 1 ET TE

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “WHY DON’T YER STAND BY 'IS’EAD? UNIFORM FOR ARMY CHAPLAINS. ConstpeRaBLe scandal having been given by some of the Chaplains to the forces in the Crimea, through going about in wide-awakes and wrap-rascals, the military authorities have, we understand, in compliance with urgent representations from many quarters, issued regulations assigning to those reverend military gentlemen a distinctive uniform, whereof the following are the details. The hat will be of the same material as that worn by the men of infantry regiments generally. It will be a modification of the shovel- hat, to which it will be similar in the size and shape of the brim; for the rest it will be identical in form with the common soldier’s hat. Thus it will, so to speak, exhibit, in appearance, a combination of the fire-shovel and the flower-pot. The pompon will be white. To the fore part will be affixed a plate of white metal, whereon will be enamelled, in black, the number of the regiment, under the letters V.K., surmounted by the ace of clubs. The stock will be made of leather of considerable stiffness, so as to give the Clergyman that character ‘of uprightness which is doubly appropriate to the clerico- | military officer. The colour of the stock will, with the same view to | the Chaplain’s two-fold capacity, be white, and also have white leather bands depending from it in front. The coat will be black, and differ in cut from the ordinary tunic only in being somewhat longer. It will fit | with a moderate degree of tightness, as a military Chaplain, by appear- ing too straight-laced, might incur ridicule, and lose his influence. The epaulettes, facings, and belt will be all white; the collar will be embroidered with lace of the same colour. The trousers will be white also, with a black stripe down the outside. The gloves will resemble in form those worn by ancient Bishops, for example ARCHBISHOP VON Epstety, a cast of whose eflizy, representing the great Bisnor crowning several small kings at once with dislocated hands and arms, may be seen in the German Medieval Court at the Crystal Palace. The colour of old Erstrery’s gloves is violet; that of these will be lavender, in order that they may not present, the appear- ance of any error of Popery, but, on the contrary, exhibit that of gauntlets becoming gen m who are at once officers in Her Mavsrsry’s service and champions of Protestantism. It is whispered that the hat, if not the whole of the military Chaplain’s uniform, has been designed by an illustrious Fretp Maxsuat, [Octoper 20, 18: CAN'T YER SEE THAT THE MISSUS IS NARVOUS?!” ACCOMMODATION IN GAOL. Tue following announcement appears in a daily contemporary:— | “Sournamrptow New Gaow.—The prisoners at Southampton have been removed tos new gaol just built in that town. The new gaol will secommodate about 120 prisoners.” Accommodate! “It is good,” as Justice Shallow says: “ yea, indeed, is it: good phrases are surely, and ever were, very commendable. Accommodated !—it comes of accommodo: very good ; a good phrase.” Doubtless, the “phrase,” accommodate, is a very good phrase con- sidered as a verb, governed by the noun substantive “hotel” in the nominative case, and governing the like noun “ guests” in the accusative. | But with “gaol” in the former relation, and “ prisoner” in the latter, the “phrase” may, with some show of reason, be considered rather inappropriate. It is however “commendable” as expressing a fact— commendable for the merit of truthfulness ; and just as “a soldier,” as Bardolph told Shallow, “ is better accommod than with a wife.” s0 is a rogue in gaol better accommodated than with a garret, in which | many an honest hardworking man is inco HORRIBLE INTENTIONS. Aw Oriental Journalist, desiring to explain the intentions of the rebels in India, horrifies us with the following information :— “ Their plan was to loot Pikoor, then take Knddums Saw on their way to Doolean, after looting which, they would go up stream, taking everything in their way Rajmahal, which they would loot, and then go on to Bhaugulpore.” This is truly awful. We are as frightened as we can possibly be ; and we do not believe that our having the slightest idea of the nature of this “looting” process would add one bit to our terrors. Surely, Mr. Vernon Situ must be hurrying to the scene where his subjects are conducting themselves in such an atrocious manner, and wanting to play the loot so unseasonably. Will he at once ascertain what they were going to take Kuppum’s Saw for, and whether Kuppum gave them leave to take it. Justice ought to be done to the poor man. Alto- gether, we are very much bewildered, and by no means sure, that the union between England and the natives of India is so tight, that is would not bear a little more luting. } ——

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From time to time circumstances occur which signally refute popular superstitions. Goatscuakorr attended the Duxe or Weitinctoy’s funeral, and employed himself on that occasion in examiming the soldiers’ shoes. All this while the knell was tolling. Now, the fol- lowing story is related of or, in the 7imes, by “Oxz wuo stoop BY,” net at the Duxe’s at another spectacle in which the Russian General was _— “ He proposed to his prisoners on all oseasions the alternative of the Russtan servige or the kuout. Once a body of 2000 were defeated and took re‘uge in the Aastrian territory. The Austriang 1 aed sent them to GorrscHaxorr. He gave them the usual choice of entering the. ranks ; they desperately refused. It is said that the General was mt at eution that followed. The flogging lasted many hours ; ten died under the lash, seven more yielded after horrible tortures, asd were borne to the hospital, stated bis determination to go through the whole number, if the exeeution lasted a month. The Poles then bowed the head and were drafted into the Russian legions.” The knell has evi not the virtue ascribed to it by the old monks. It tolled at the Duxe’s funeral; nevertheless, Privcz ORTSCHAKOFF continued quietly to examine the soldiers’ shoes. There ve remained im spite of the knell; he, the ey nen of the iemon then incarnate under the mame of NicHoias. ; the has not the power which the friars belli iriving away the Frewps! BABY SHOW BRUTALITIES. HE Baby Show abomination, which had its origin in the vulgar brain | making, to the the women o at Withernsea, of which more pre- sently. Before us lies an announce- ment of a third, to be perpetrated in a and the wails and hoards are placarded with imvita- tions to a fourth, to be appropri- © ately held among the beasts at the Surrey Zoological Gardens. As no decent woman of any class would take her infant into a crowd to be examined, handled, and pinch- ed, as if it were an animal for sale, to have it weighed, and its little nes and muscles commented upon its fat estimated, and the gener: ree gone through with which re ers and butchers buy and sell their live stock, Mr. Punch has no’ hesitation in using language upon the subject, which he would abstain from employing, were he merely remonstrating with thoughtless persons. He is perfectly certain that upon such women as are not ashamed to assist at these exhibi- tions, his remarks would be utterly wasted. To the train of coarse and impure thought, suggestion, and comparison which is generated at'such shows, he need not allude, because the offensiveness of the original idea is more than sufficient to repel and disgust any true womanly mind, no matter in what station of life the woman may move. He addresses himself to the question as one of humanity, and because he deems it to be a case in which police interference should take place. The i of gain has sometimes to be met rather promptly; and here is a very proper occasion for helping the helpless. Of the nature of the pean by these shows, of the treat- appy an ment to which the un babies are exposed, and of the general character of the seene, an idea may be formed from the following account of the proceedings at the Withernsea Show. _ After describing the crowd and the confusion which prefaced the examination of the candidates, the reporter says— “ At half-past three the judges entered the building, and the previous quiet of the Scene was c ed into bustle and excitement. Nurses and mothers, with babies in their arms, fought their way through the erowd, and blushed not beneath the fire of jokes. How all were safely settled without sceident we know not. Those who know what it ‘8 to carry a child through a crowd may appreciate the scene. Ultimately the compe- ttora, on the laps of their mothers and nurses, were arranged all round, and in the centre of the building.” _ That such mothers and such nurses should not “ blush” beneath “ the fire” of such “jokes” as were likely to be launched on the occasion, we can well believe—those who did not blush to be there at all had little to fear for their modesty. The “judges” proceeded to their ‘Xammation, and during this, | Of @ greedy American ss .- 80) 1 Ocrosen 20, 1855.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 161 me - » open the front door. At about five o'clock the cciitmeaiiininds “~ ‘nee were sg A SU PERSTITION EXPLODED. pleted, and the children were placed ia the orchestra, just in time, as the door was then forced open, the impadent crowd rushed in, and all order was at an end.” The bones and the fat and the weight of the poor little creatures having been duly tested, the decision as to the quarter in which Provi- dence had aeted most kindly (the profanity of the gffair being another of its amiable features) had to be announced. “Then the apm@ir reached its height. The ti f eet to the jud was past, ‘Tender mothers ommied utp etnnnne ae pen Ae oe sides: w baties were held sereamiag up at arm's length by the «netted parents, and a jury was dé@manded. The uproar, however, became so incense that the promoter of the display, after handing over to the parents of the s@@eessful competitors, us Hud withouG@elay, fearing that any longer stay might perchapes prove personally 138, . (We he vie: that the “ agtts ” women had finished the display y drags llow throagh the foulest horse-pond in the neigh- bourhood, bus this par parenthdase.) Such is the treatment to ma the babies are exposed—a hot crowd, a frightful noise and riot, and ment. These are the boons proffered to babies by A great outery, with great justice, was made when it was alleged thab the humbler classes were im the habit of enrolling their fafants in Barial Societies, with the frightful desire to profit by their deaths. | ; knell | Phd wees fou! Titel pea the mothers of ead - believed it to have, of some ground for the charge—the practice, with t But home was | not—is not—unknown, pertatpay fe as is its extent. And we . The would pocket money from the degrading exhibition of her infant's limbs and a might possibly find consolation for its loss in the money obtained at its death. Bat with such women Mr. Punch can hold no argument—the person to argue with them is the Policeman, disgrace of some of | {EB considerable | progress us. was a recent dhow nt Btstca, and another PERSONAL TO OURSELVES. Tue official Gazette of Colombo, (which we have some reason to think may be somewhere Ceylon way, mt we do not profess to know more about the Colonies than the late noble Colonial Secretary) has been forwarded to us, and contains the following announcement :— if IS EXCELLENCY THE GOVERNOR has been pleased to appoint Ketalabokke Weerewardenne Mudianselagey Puwcny Appoohamy, Esq. to be Deputy Coroner for the Kolonna Corle. | By Uis Exceliency’s Command Colonial Secretary's Office, C. J. MacCaartuy, Colombo, 7th July, 1855. P Col. Becy Vr. Punch is anxious to say, that the gentleman whose appointment is thus announeed is, be has no doubt, a most exeellent and respectable person ; but is no relation, as has been supposed, of Mr. Punch. The fatter is not in the habit of imitating the aristocracy, and quartering his ai relatives upon the public. He has, however, every confidence in Mr. Kervatanoxxe whieh he can reasonably repose in an individual of whom he never before heard in all his life, and trusts that his office will be such a sinecure that he will have time to beeOme as punchey as possible. SONNET ON A PARAGRAPH RESPECTING BUSHY PARK. °T1s said that certain paths in Bushy Park, Which every one till lately could pursue, Have now been closed by gates of iron, shut to, And locked. A hoax, invented for a lark, By some buffoon. Fiddlededee! Pooh, pooh ! Yet Rumour adds the insinuation dark That Bushy Palace is design’d to be], The dwelling-place of Royalty once more ; And that the encroaching spirit which some see At Balmoral and Windsor, is let loose At Bashy too. Nay, the paths, as before, Must be, like Britain’s Constitution—Goose !— Free, yet preserving still the tracks of yore, And Hoyal highways for the People’s use. Gigantic Hotel Prices. First Traveller. Do you know that at the’ Riesen—the Giant Hotel on the Rhine—they charged the Grand Duchess of Kussia £5"), it is said, for a single night ? Second Traveller. Well, what then? First Traveller. What, don’t you think it’s enormous ?—monstrous ? —wicked ?—abominable >—awfully, diaholically extortionate ? Second Traveller (with wonderful sa pfrod ). Quite the contrary. For the Riesen, I think, it’s extremely Hcsenabie ! Frast Travetrer orders his Bill in a rage. “ Great noise and confusion prevailed, and attempts were frequently made to force e ee eg me i ne ne rege

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. [Ocroser 20, 1855, —<—

PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE. | measure will now probably | other persons than mere honourable members. “ What are these ’ So wither'd, and so wild in their attire?” Macbeth, Act i., Scene 3.

NEW BLOOD IN THE PEERAGE. Tre election of a gentleman of the'Hebrew persuasion to the dig- nified office of Lorn Mayor or Lownponx, will, perhaps, more than mollify the opposition which has hitherto been offered by the House of Peers to the Amendment of Oaths Bill. The noble opponents of that rceive that public feeling so strongly demands the abolition of theological tests of eligibility for the function of legislator, that they will not only consent to the admission of the fellow-believers of Mr. Satomons into the House of Commons, but also allow them the capability of reception in another place, amongst Mr. Satomons will, in less than another month’s time, be Lorp Mayor Satomons: why | should he not hereafter be Lorp Satomons, if he deserves to be, and the Queen pleases to make him so? The logical consequence of fitness for Lonp Mayoratty is fitness for any other lordship, from the lord- ship of Barony up to that of Dukedom, except, of course, spiritual lordship. Noble lords set great store by lofty lineage; what gentle- man can boast of a loftier pedigree than those who trace theirs to the cupppagernnes, not of Witiiam, but of Josuva tHe Conqueror ; and higher still ? Lorn Isaac Levy; the How. Samvet Moses: Viscount Apra- | wams; the Eaxt or Bevis asp Marks; the Most Noble Jacon, | Manquts or ALpGaTe ; how are these names inconsistent in the nature | of things with coronets and stars | i garters? His Grace Lazaagus, Duke or Wuitecnaret; why must there not exist such a nobleman ? 7 na oy Place to be understood as so denominated quasi lucus a non “ucendo | The Hon. Mr. Moss has left Town for his shooting-box in Hamp- shire. Loap Conen is entertaining a select circle at Castle Davis, the noble Lord’s magnificent mansion in Glenbogie. The Hoy. Ma. Hyams, Ma. Morvecatr, and Mr. Saapracu, accompanied his ship on a deer-stalking excursion yesterday, and bad good . The distin- uished party, with the addition of Sm Soromow Harr rae one day last week 250 head of grouse. Why should not these Baronet, | not be gratified by the announcement in the columns of that fashionable journal, of an approaching marriage in high life between Loxp Stomay and the} How. Miss Resecca Aarons, youngest daughter of Loup Aarons, and Maid-of-Honoar to the Quzzn ? Of course, it will not accord with the dignity of noble lords ani honourable gentlemen to sweat sovereigns and to discount stolen bills so neither is it consistent with the nobility of lords, and.the honour of gentlemen, to cheat at games of hazard, and be concerned in swindling "What sball stop t ho has passed the eivie chair from passi at s stop the man who has civic Tom passing anything passable by a lay subject? From thecate of laymen. must | be excluded, of course, all persons who stand to the Chureh similarly with the beadle and parish-elerk. He whom the City has chosen for its Monarch, may surely be uw eligible to be any city’s representative—as eligible as any a ber who is as fit as any other Member to sit in the House of Commons is clearly equally fit to be raised to the House of Peers. The Chief Magistrate of London is a Lord, and of course noble Lords will treat him as one of , themselyes—if there is any sincerity in the veneration always expresse by Lords of the Treasury over their wine—aad in vino verilas—at. the | Lonp Mayon’s Dinner, for the Lonp Maror’s office.. We may there- | fore confidently expect that, in conformity with those principles of logic | | and justice on which the Government and Legislation of this country have always been conducted, the door of the House of Lords, wil | be forthwith opened te those who share the faith of the Loap Mayor elect—provided they shall have earned the title to enter them. A! present, those doors, and all other national doors, stand wide open to mepans making a certain profession of faith—and believing nothig whatever. A Picture or Despats.—The Russian Bear licking his paws out of rage that he cannot lick the Allies, or the Turks, or the Circassians, of | anybody else!

A wew Morro ror tue Crry Auws.—* Deserted by the Wasi | things be, and be chronicled in the Morming Post? And why should we | Moon.” ——

Print dby William Soiten, of No. 13, Upper Wobure Place, Printers, at thew O Lendon.—Sarvapar, October 20, 1565, and Prederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen's Read West, Regent’s Park, both im the Parish of St. Pancras, in *h 'v * im Lombard Street, im the Precinct of Whitefriars, im the City of Lucdou and Published by them at No. %, Fleet & , Vv ddleses, treet, in tue Parish of +. ortuc, io the City of

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nable OMAN Loup s and bills mar oF dling ssing must | hure y has > aby ho is learly strate me of essed t. the there- ‘logic | uptry : wil [AYOR , At en to thing vat of ns, Of ‘aning —— ddleset City of | Ocroser 27, 1855.

—_—_—=

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ’ | 163

RSS

“I Bea rourR Parpoy, Ma'am, spurl THINK YoU DROPPED THIS!”

GREAT PERAMBULATOR RACES. (From our Sporting Correspondent.) Tue return of sunshine, during Sat vot occasioned a pretty numerous meeting, on the Gower Street course, on Thureday and Friday, and some good was shown, There was no great punctu- ality m the ttendanse the competitors eae when they did arrive, they went to work in good earnest, in their sportswomanly ardour, would not even wait for the course to be cleared. Several minor events came off, as did the hats and bonnets of the infant riders ; bat nothing of much public interest took place until about twelve o’clock, when the following exciting race was run. The Pascras Pgramsciator Race, from the bar in frent of University College Hospital to Montague Place. Open to all competitors. The following started :—

Maus. Buown's b. Pretty Pet, 10 months .................cccccceces Sarah. Mas. Atrnonso Jowus’s g. Duck o' Diamonds, 14 year ...... Mary-Jane. Mas. Batrusnepa's twins, Mosey and Nosey,9 months ...... Rachel. Mas. Fiaerns’s b. Only Treasure, 1} year ........... 2 » Matilda. | Mas. De Buoas’s g. Ma's Image, 19 Year .....0....ccccceccccneee Susan. | Mas. Montmonency’s wiry Bowes 6 months . sve Sally. Mas. Woestesy's b. eS.) Sarah- Ann Miss Pancumewt’s Niece Nelly,2 years ....... Buckram Mas. Frrzoisenn’s b. Take Notice, 8 months . peste Mrs. Porpie’s g. Toddlekina,1 year ............. «wee Bella. Mas. Broaas’s b. Tittle Tootums,10 months ..........66ccceccee Laura-Maria, Of the eleven ten got away, but Beua’s eye was unfortunately caught by that of a favourite baker, and she was left behind. The ten kept together so well until past the Hospital that you might have covered them with a Turkey carpet, but here the laughter of the drivers and the screeching of the riders began to tell, and the running became han At the Torrington Place crossing, Ma’s Image encountered the legs of an Italian boy, and Ais images fell all | over the carriage, to the great delight of the inmate; and here too the Hebrew Twins were beaten off by a ye 57 of Marripa’s, who | pretended to drop a n ntally, and Racwet, pulling up to seize it, lost the race, and her time, for the coin was a bad one. | Th n ‘proved too much for Duck-o’- Diamonds, whose convulsive screams caused the rs to inter- was thus reduced to seven, of wes: You Slut and _ Only Treasure kept the lead until opposite Chenies Street, where Only | Treasure was thrown out into the gutter, and Blessed Darling took up 'the running, collared the Slut, and capital play, until Saran ; the wink of a |ife-guards- he whole party were floored on doorstep. e ruck was now but four, Pretty Pet, Niece Nelly, Take Notice, and Ittle Tootums, who all dashed past Keppe! Street |m fine style, but here Buckram lost a shoe, and at the corner, the owner of Take Notiee, who happened to be out for a walk, and met her infant tearing along at that tremendous , stopped the vehiele, seized the baby, made Exiza herself e notice on the spot, and sent her home with a [policeman, to have her boxes searched. The race was now between Pretty Pet and [ttle Tootums and they ran very hard! and even, until [/¢/e 7'0/ums, breaking a shaw <not, rolled out of the carriage; and though Lavaa-Maaria, with true sporting feeling, would not stop, but screeched to somebody to pick 2 é 3 : i E

up the pieces, and dashed after Pretty Pet, Sanan’s superior Gloucester- | shire wind was too much for her thin-chested London rival, even thus | lightened, and she landed Pretty Pet under one of Pickroary’s railway | vans (luckily standing still) at the Montague Place corner of Bedford | Square, in eight minutes eleven seconds from the start. | No casualty of any particular consequence occurred ; but we must | advert in terms of censure to the conduct of an elderly gentleman, who was so incensed at one of the carriages (Young Slué’s we believe) run- | ning over both his gouty feet, that he wrote a violent letter in the Times on Saturday, condemning the bulator system as a nuisance. | Thearticle is now an institution of the country ; and no grumbling old misobabist can injure it. Let him keep at home, As friends, however, of popular amusements, we think that it might be well were one side of a street devoted to these races, while the ordinary traffic went on | upon the other; and we also think that t rule should be laid down as to the weight carried, A er, we consider, | stop when the infant is flung out ; and an owner not to interfere (as in the case of Take Notice) when a start has once taken place ; it is | unfair to the other competitors and to the public. But these are trifles ; jand, we are glad to state, that Perambulator is rapidly in- y; and, though certain and prejudiced _ parents set their faces against it, they little know what is when their backs are turned. Let them eontemt themselves with looking to | the springs, while we look forward tothe next Spring Meeting, which | will be held in Oxford or Regent Street. |, Since our packet was made up we are informed that Only Treasure |is scratched. This weex —the kerb-stone being a new and rough one. ttle Tootums bas sustained no ipjury, except that its nose | being irretrievably damaged, Tootums is scretched too; namely, out of | the will of a rich uncle, who bad fancied it like himself, Exiza is at | the station-house.

ADVICE TO ADVERTISING SNOBS. Mayy a useful lesson may be derived from the animals called | lower, but which are not inferior creatures to The kite is a | elever bird: learn of the kite. When this an bird sees a partridge with a broken wing, it forthwith swoops down upon the crippl panes tae Wikio 0 meet out of the victim. As the kite sweeps the fields with its sharp and long-sighted eyes in search | of wounded game: so do you sweep the column of “Deaths” in the | | Newspapers, on the look-out for bereaved relatives. The parties are | stricken and afflicted, and you, kite-like, may pick a profit out of | their sorrow and affliction. | For instance, if you see that a lady has just lost a son—a young hero who has tallen in action in the Crimea—forthwith, in case that you are in the furriery line, drop the broken-hearted mother a circular, Paffing your “Real Aztec Monkey Furs, particularly adapted for | | Mourning.” Or, suppose you are a stonemason, pounce down upon

her, in her grief, with a similar application, representing that you | |“ hope her confidence,” from the fact, that” at no former period have | ‘you Thad 30 many memorials as at present to” &., &. you area | quack religious author or publisher, dash at her with an advertisement of your World of Spirits, a Manual for Christian Mourners, in royal | 32mo., cloth, gilt edges, price 3s. bound, fourth edition. Humanity, under all its varied conditions, is regarded by the genuine Snob, in one sole aspect; apd its states of sadness and misery, like the rest, of its phases, are looked upon and taken advantage of as simply affording weak points, and exposing soft sides out of | which money may probably be extracted. ADVERTISEMENT. © RAILWAY DIRECTORS, FATHERS OF FAMILIES, AND THE PUBLIC IN GENERAL—A new and instructive game for Christmas. | Musens. Fatut.anw of Fleek Street, beg to announce, that they have lately produced a most amusing game of chance called “ Kailway Accid we) jets of a board on which is drawn « miniature railway, with an “up” and « “down” line, and likewise several branch lines. Each player is tarnished with a small railway train, such as an | “express,” a “stopping,” a“ goods,” “ cattle,” “first,” or “ second class,” either on the | “up” or “down” line. Each player is likewise furnished with « “ time-table,” which indicates the times fixed on for the departure of the trains from the various stations marked on the board. The mode of playing is a6 follows: Each player having paid « small sum of money into the “ pool.” the train of the first player is started at the time mentioned in the “ time-table.” The time of departure of all the other trains, although fixed, is in no way regulated by the “time-table,” but on the contrary, by the cast of diee. The great amusement of the game consists in each train endeavouring «ither to overtake or to come in collision with the trains of the other players. The train which arrives at the end of its journey without accident, pays « forfeit to the “ pool.” | On the other hand, if « “ down ” train, for instance, should be so fortunate as to geton | the “up” line and ran into an “up” train at fall speed, that “down” train wins the game and clears the “pool.” Various other little accidents incidental to railway travelling, are introdneed and add to the exeitement and amusement of the game. For farther particulars, see the printed directions, whieh may be had, gratis, at every Rail way Station in the United Kingdom.

VOL, XXIX. agp orang Se tee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. LAD OF OBSERVATION. “ Well, he's jeat the right sort o chap for a—wot-de-call-em !— Pry oneer. fust through @ hedge, and he'd make a gap big enough for a whole Redgmint to march through.” [Octoser 27, 1855.

MELT YOUR BELLS. Tae Builder usually contains capital matter, but we shall feel particularly indebted to Ma. Gopwry to take care and exclude in future any such monstrous position, or rather, brace of propositions, as been recently propounded nv one of his correspondests. This unfortunate Bedlamite or Hanwellian suggests that all. new Charches should be furnished with beils, because “they tend to diffuse cheerfulness.” We have in- licated the habitual residence of such a writer, and need say nothing to him ; but inasmuch as every- hody admits that the bells of the old Churches n London (rang and tolled that muddled ringers and dirty sextons may grasp certain fees are one of the greatest nuisances of the day; and inasmuc as the vicinity to a new Church with a Beil prevents houses and lodgings from being let, except to the unwary, who get let in for a ‘erm’s damage to their nerves. We rather marvel that an enlightened advocate of civilisation, | ke the Builder, should have imserted such a letter Let us rather melt our beils into cannon, that they may be “fired” at the common enemy, and our congregations, who assemble for worship without the aid of these nosy contrivances for continuing fees and beer to humbugs, will have additional cause for thankfulness for national triumphs.

Calumny on the Erring. We have been requested by the solicitor of | Craowpar Brix, the burglar, captured in the house of a distinguished Teetotaller, to state | that the offender was not found drunk in the wine- cellar of the premises entered. The unfortunate Why only shove ‘im man declares that he never got further than the cupboard.

“OUR PARK’S” PARLIAMENT:—PRICE OF BREAD. A rew earnest patriots have, for a Sunday or two, returned them- selves to Hyde Park, as representatives of the wrongs of the e. Duly coo'emptuous of all property qualification, they have deemed it sufficient to feel in its fullest influence the incitement of their mission, and therefore, like much-moved Quakers, have given Senge simpl because they could not help it. As it is likely that the Hyde Park Parliament may, for awhile at least, be — by the police, we think it the more incumbent upon us to save from oblivion—(putting them in decent language as in the case with St. Stephen’s) the few remarkable pithy speeches delivered on the passing oceasions. At fonr o'clock the Park assembled, when a Speaker took one of the highest trees. Mr. Cutrrs (joiner), believed that the rise in the price of bread was solely caused by the preposterous number of bakers. The only way to bring down the loaf would be to hang up a baker. (Cheers.) As bakers increased, loaves must go up; or otherwise, how were the bakers, with their expensiye wives and luxurious families to be sup- ported? It mattered nothing that we had plentiful harvests: the greater the growth of wheat, the greater the number of bakers. He considered bakers to be the poppies among the corn, and did not be- lieve that the loaf would fall to its natural price, until a baker was given to the people to be hanged, one at least every morning. (Cheers.) Mr. Buurr (bellows-mender) said that his friend—for although a nobleman, he was not proud, and had no objection to call him his friend ;—his friend the Maaguis or Gaansy, had hit the right nail upon the head when he declared that the Russian War had been whoily and altogether brought to our shores by the Electric Tele- grap". He thought the same with regard to the dear loaf. When all the ends of the earth could tell one another the price of corn, why, of course, all the corndealers and all the bakers would iay their heads together to keep the figure up. He would say, though he knew very well that Ate. Cwow.er would not agree with him—he would say, cut adrift the telegraph, and the loaf would come down to its natural obscurity. Ma. Cincinnatus Sarr (toyman) had but one opinion. The price of bread was kept up by the cakes of the children of the aristocracy, and the wuffius and crumpets of the bloated fundholder. There would be no true equality, until everybody from Windsor Castile down to Mutton Hill, was made to eat nothmg but good, bonest seconds. It was a known fact that the Royal cream-colours were fed upon nothing

but the best twists twenty times bolted. (Shame.) If a footman or two with a twopenny 4uster hung round his neck was bung up every morning when the rolls were drawn, bread couldn’t but fall, as the flunkey went up. (Laughter and Cheers.) Ma. Danton Jones had but one opinion; and, were that opinion his head—that opinion was at the service of his country. e owed the present price of bread to two things; the visit of the man Lovis-Napotzon to Fngland,—and the starched collars and _rufflers of what glorious old Cossetr called the sons and daughters of corrup- tion. The gorging inthe City had first created a dearth of corn, and the collars kept it up. He would confine every swell to a diet of his own collar (laughter) and seize all the funds in the Bank of England, 1 he knew, put by against a rainy day by the Empznor or THE RENCH. A man here rose, and demanded a hearing. He said—“ My friends, I am a baker, and < But no more was beard. The indignant multitude gathered about him, and—although several tatters identified by his friends as his, have been picked up—no vestige of the man himself has, up to the present time, been returned to his home. Glasgow and Ayr and—Kensington. ScoTLAND is ahout to send across the Tweed a body of Missionaries to convert the Sabbath-breaking Southrons. The unco’ gude “ Free Synod of Glasgow and Ayr” have resolved to memorialise the QuEzEs, praying her to make dumb the music in Kensington Gardens oa Sundays. Will Kensington quietly suffer its brains to be thus blown out by a Glasgow bagpipe? We think not.

FORM AND REFORM. Sir B. Hatt has been giving the people seats in the Regent’s Park. This is a good beginning, but the seats are out of Parliament. Let Sim BenxJamiy now try his ministerial hand at giving the people seats m Parliament.

IMPORTANT FROM GREECE. Tue Kise or Gaesce bas changed his Ministry! It isaremarkable fact, and one of almost equal importance to Europe, that on the same day be also changed his —shirt.

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eT fa, wy of led r Ol | or very the nion wed man Hers rup- and his and, THE youl, his, ries Free LEN, oa ——. — — PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ; l Octoser 27, 1855.] THE PENITENT’S PROGRESS. Las! Sra Joun Sant, be-| trayed by the Evil One— | whose name too often | appears in the indict. | ments of the Old Builey —forgot the frankin- cense ard manna of another life, and gave heed to the flesb-pots | of this valley of tears. | Savt, inthe abstraction | of an uplifted sou, | soared above all mate- rial bonds ; and made | ia acovenant —_ himself. | Saut, knowing from the depths of a learned and pious spirit, that sorrow | and affliction chasten the proud and worldly-minded, resolved to make | of himself an instrument of chastisement, of the pomps Vanil les | of bis brethren. No sinner was too rich, searcely any ~~ for the diseipline of his regards. The rich he humbled, and “7 he flayed ; for Savt, in his Christian love for the heathen as we say, made an especial covenant with Savi. If he loved the benighted | Carib, still the more dearly did he dote upon Savt. Savi had built unte himself and his poorer friends a tabernacle— had set up am Ebenezer. And in this tabernacle Saul would, to the | confusion of the scorner, show how the riches of Dives might be enjoyed | with the spirit of Lazarus. And this was the comfortable faih of | all men, when it chaneed that, even as the Golden Caif was cast down, so was Savt tumbled into the dirt, and all men mocked and made mouths at him. Of atruth, Savi was reviled as a bypocri’e and an abomination: a you brother of Barassas; a despoiler of widows, and a grinder of the of orphans. ; The goods of Savun were ro by the strong hand. His chariots, and his horses, his oxem and his mules, were put up and knocked down after the manner of Basinghall; and Savi had no rest for the sole of his foot, save in a cab or an omnibus. And Savt’s private tabernacle, the Ebenezer of stone and cedar, was also conveyed away from Savt, and also, after the manner of Basinghall, disposed of. Now Sact, released from bonds, took heart; and on a certain day sought the Ehenezer. He entered what was once his pew, and set himself to work to wail and pray. Now the congregation were scan- dalised, and the elders, with a strong hand, sought to remove Savut, but Savi would not move afoot. “What!” cried,Savt, “and is it thus you would spurn a penitent ?” And again Savi came, and again and again ; and stil] he cried— “Would you thrust me forth—me, a penitent ?” And the story runs that, after a time—for Savi was not to be rebuffed nor downtrodden, he was so strong in his repentance—after atime, anew and beautiful house rose up in London’s city, even a house known, as the United Myrrh and Spikenard Bank, with the penitent Sav1, for its honoured principal! Now tell me, Jouw Trorrer, wha’st langhin’ about ? Ever since thee’st come whoam, thee hast kep bustin’ out. What ix’t thee hast heer’d, mun, or what hast thee sin ? Jouy, tell us what keeps thee zo broad on the grin ? Well, there, then, old ooman, the truth I ool spake ; T’li tell ee what *tis meaks my zides for to shake, The rummest thing ever you heerd in your lite, As any man truly med zay to his wife. Steppun into the Bull as I came by just now, I zee Stuow Tawyyer, and he said as how, Up in Lunnun there was for to be such a go! I zay, lass, wha’st think of a Prize Baby Show ? The breeders 0’ them as be vinest in size, And shape and condition, to bear off a prize ; Just like tis wi’ bulloeks, wi’ ship, and wi’ swine, S’pose we was to goo there and thee to show thine ? For shame, Joun, to talk so '!—a Bahy Show !—where ’ fmong the wild beasties at Bartlemy Fair ? I heer’d that was done for, and Smithfield likewise ; I dowbt Joun thee tell st me a passie 0’ lies. At the Slogical Gairdens o Zarrey ’twill be, ’Mongst lions and tigers vrom over the sea ; Hiaynars and zabras, bears oolves, kangaroos, Jackanyeapses, baboons, and all sorts 0’ yaboos. 2) A ~~ Well, then, Jown, I zay ’tis a sin and a shame; And sitch mothers as they be bain’t worthy the name, To be show’d hike a sow wi’ a litter o’ young! To call ’em the right word I wun’t trust my tongue. They lies among straa there, I s’pose, on the ground, A nussun their young uns wi’ hurdles around ; A vit place vor siteh volks !—wi’ a trough vor a plate, And wi’ wash for to drink and wi’ grains for to ate. Then the visitors handles their little ones hides, And pwehes their polls up and punches their sides, To think now that Christians theirselves should demean, in a pen like fat cattle te goo and be seen! The mothers their babies as shows like that there, | Desarves to have tails upon all as they bear, Nare a one born wi’ feet, but wi’ eleft hoofs instead, Andjsome of ’em havin’ horns come oa the head. b—— — A MAIN REASON FOR A MAINE LAW. We never felt so much inclined to turn Teetotallers as we did after | reading these remarks up n the qualities ef Cucculus Indicus, extracted from Waring’s Practical Therapeutics :-— “ The berries are never given internally. The kernels contain a poiaenous principle | —picrotozin— he properties of which bave been lately examined by ia. Groves. From numerous experiments, he conciudes that it aets on the spinal cord; that under its une the animal temperature is mueh increased. In all animals kilied by it he observed congestion of the base of the brain. From its intozicating properties it is used tor | entrapping game and fish, but animals thus caught are often very dangerous to eat. Dishonest persons use the extract for adulterating porter.” | The first sentence in this statement appears somewhat difficult to reeoncile with the last: and as it is said subsequently, that “above | 2000 ewt. of the drug are imported into England annually, of which | about 1 ewt. is used for medicinal purposes,” we are disposed to | give the writer credence for his last assertion, rather than his first. | We think, however, that the “persons” he refers to, deserve a stronger epithet than the word “dishonest.” To be asked for porter, and serve Coceulus Indicus, is something worse, it seems to us, than giving stones for bread, or wooden knobs for nutmegs. Wh an eye to what may happen from it, we think that the transaction may be called, in the completest. meaning of the words, a dead swindle. If we were writing for the Morning Advertiser, (which, most un- happily for our credit, we are not) we would endeavour to exercise its great public influence—that is to say, if great influence with the “ publics,”—in showing that this practice of poisonous adultera!ion has not merely a murderous but, commereially considered, a suicidal tendency. It is obviously rather a short-sighted policy to endeavour to increase the profits of one’s trade, by killing off one’s customers ; and surely no mblican can expeet to have a very brisk demand for his porter, when it is known to be a thorough drug in the market. For ourselves, now we are so wellacquainted with the virtues of Cocculus [ndicus, we mean certainly to adopt all porsible precaution to escape beimg catalogued among the “ animals killed by it :” and, so long as we are in possession of our sober senses, we will never run the risk of being “ entrapped” into drinking lke a fish, nor in any way made “ game” of, through an ex- hibition im our person of the drug’s “ intoxicating properties.” Indeed, we in future never mean to enter any doubtful “public,” wi'hout asking the landlord for his chemical diploma; and, if he fail to show one, and, instead, recommends us to “'ave a drop o’ porter,’ we will inform against bim for prescrioing drugs without authority and, perhaps, drag him from his bar to that of the Old Bailey. A Derewce or tue Syvstem.—Every General ought to be able to look Death in the face. What, then, more reasonable than to select for Generals veterans who are at Death’s door ? 9 Re neat > a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Octorer 27, 1855,

7 idugyace mest bx “ad re Po ~ otbalad or will not be put lx Ga. Tiairr—

al / ol < rn Railway Porter. “NOW THEN, SIR!

E j 7 \— Ma st \ *\ wat \ ay \

BY YOUR LEAVE!”

PRAYERS FOR PRISONERS. Tsoven in conformity with the Church Service by law established; we are in the habit of praying “for all prisoners and captives, it appears that all prisoners and captives are not allowed the pious | 4 privilege of praying for themselves; or at least they are not permitted to do so im an audible manner. An exception had, however, been made in favour of the inmates of the Wandsworth House of Correc- tion, who are, nevertheless, to be prohibited from any further extension of the right of devotional utterance, as we find from the following | extract from a report of a recent meeting of Surrey Magistrates. | The passage, though rather lengthy, is sufficiently remarkable to warrant our giving it entire :— “ The Rev. Ma, Keren, the chaplain of the Wandsworth House of Correction, in his report to the Court, stated that the conduct of the prisoners had been generally , and he said also that the permission given to them to make the responses in the chapel at Divine Service had been attended with satisfactory results, and he prayed the court to sanction their being permitted to sing psalms, as he considered it would be attended with more effeet during the celebration of Divine Service. | “Mr. Avcwrtw said, he felt compelled to express his opinion that it would not be advisable to push the request of the reverend gentleman. The county had been put to great expense In the erection of this prison upon the silent system, and it was found that the permission to give the responses had already had the effect of enabling pri- soners to communicate with each other, and if psalmody were allowed, it would give greater facilities for this being done. Psalmody, under ordinary circumstances, no doubt rendered Divine Service more solemn and imposing, but they must not forget | that they were dealing with criminals, and it was a most important that they | should be prevented from communicating with each other, as, if they so, all the expense they bad gone to to carry out the silent system would be thrown away. | prisoners being permitted to give the responses, begged to say that it was only intended | af an experiment; and undoubtedly, if it should turn out that it enabled the prisoners to hold conversation with each other, it would at once be discontinued. He added that the Visiting Justices undoubtedly hed no idea of sanctioning the introduction of pealmody among the prisoners “The matter was eventually referred back to the Visiting Justices to consider whether any alteration should be made.” The chaplain, who ought to be the best judge in such matters, is so satisfied with the effect of allowing the prisoners to join im the responses, that he wishes them to be allo to sing psalms ; but the cautious Magistrates are afraid that the gaol-birds would turn their singing to an unholy account; or, in other words, would parody the psalms for the purpose of communicating with each other. We confess we have not much apprehension on this subject ; for the | keeping up of a conversation through the medium of psalm-singing, | would require a considerable power of improvisation, and a degree of musical ability which the prisoners are not likely to be masters of. | Every psalm would of necessity have to be comverted on the moment |into aconcerted piece, with original words, or at least into a series of | independent duets or trios; according to the number of prisoners | that might be interested in the musical di Any attempt to | hold a communication by means of only be carried out by a combination of literary and musical which the inmates of a | gaol are not likely to possess; and we do not think the chaplain would \- testified, as he has done, to the satisfactory working of the | system of responses, if he found that they had been travestied into | “the means of communication between the prisoners.” _ 4 The Silent System may be all very well; but we think the Magis- | | trates are hardly justified in applying it to the performance of Divine Service, where the members of the comgregation are called upon, | aecording to the rubric, to utter the responses in an audible manner. | Though pri rs must not address each other, it is hard to say that | they not address the Source ftom which mercy for all prisoners | and captives is invoked ; for if audible prayer is an advantage, it is one if ee the unfortunate inmates of a gaol should be allowed the t.

| Limited Liability for Noblemen. Ma. CLARK, a8 one of the Committee of Visiting Justices who had sanctioned the | Szzrnc the recent deeisions of some of the Country Justices, we are disposed to i that they have got an idea into their heads, that the Limited Lisbility Act, of which they may have heard something, is | an act to limit the liabelity of the higher classes to be punished like common people for any offences they may have commit It is diffi cult to account in any other way for the mode in which the recent case | of assault at the Windsor theatre was disposed of ; for while any ordinary ruffian would have been liable to be committed for trial, Lorp Exyest Vane Tempest seems to have had his liability limited to a fine of five pounds, which might as well have been five shillings.

New Morro ror tae City.—The Rising Sot. ————$$_—$———————————

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the | ing, e of of. ent s of ners out of 4 yald the nto rine 02, ner ers ne the Yj 144, a) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. — "! 4 \ AAA, 70 wee Soaee \ a COALITION.

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- ae mee “cai pee ee ~~ ~~ + Pa ai. i \/ sf AAA, | Vivi

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en Octoser 27, 1855.) THE GOVERNESS GRINDERS. “Distressep NEEDLEWOMAN’ has long been an onect of general compassion but the Governesses hav® scarcely btained the share of sym- pathy which their case de serves, The practice of Go verness-grinding, im spite of our frequent exposure of the offence, is still continued to a great extent by those whose vanity induces them to keep a Governess, whom their mean- hess Will not allow them to pay In proportion to her services Lt may be said that education, ke everything elise, should be a matter of free trade, and that a man in want of instruc- tion for his daughters, should obtain his Governess as he would his garments, in the cheapest market. We, how- ever, question whether the urticle supplied is really an equivalent fur even the paltry price paid; for cheap G.vern- essing, like cheap tailoring and cheap furnishing, is often a most expensive experiment. We should like to know what Paterfamilias might expect his daughters to turn out, if he entrusted their moral and intellectual culture to the article bid for in the following advertisements :-— G OVERNESS WANTED, to assist in educating six children; music, singing, and French desirable. No salary given, but advantages offered. -Address,T. 132, at the printer's ’TURSERY GOVERNESS WANTED, to instruct and take the entire charge of two children pt and their wardrobes, ages four and six; also,to be a Companion to the lady. A comfortable home, with laundress’s expenses, offered; but no salary.—Address T. 130, at the printer's. Who with one grain or half-a-scruple of conscience would undertake to educate half-a-dozen | children, to set them thumping on the piano, screaming sentimental ballads, and jabbering DISCOURAGEMENT OF YOUTHFUL GENIUS. | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 169 bad French, without any remuneration for the onerous task, beyond the vague prospect of uivantages offered.” We certainly see some “advantage” to be gained in such a situation the scope it must afford for the exercise of patience, resignation, self-sacrifice, and a whole catalogue of other virtues, but the obvious im possibility of doing what is required to be un- dertaken, will prevent any person of real worth from accepting the situation. T. Number Two is somewhat more liberal than l. Number One, for he holds out the temptation of “ laundress’s expenses ” 1o @ person who is expected to combme the characters of Compa- ion, Dress-maker, and Governess. The “ Com- panionship” would probably be the most objec tionable part of the work, for one would be natu rally anxious to avoid all association with a “lady ” who values the education of her children at “nothing,” and wishes to make a milliner of their Governess. The 7imes of the llth contains an advertise ment too lengthy to quote in full; but which demands the services of “ a well-educated aceom- plished gentlewoman, not under twenty-one years of age,” to “train and educate a little girl,” and “be willing to undertake the entire charge of her pupil’s wardrobe,” for a salary of £10 per annum. In addition to her intellect ual and millinery acquirements, the accomplished hy ny | gentlewoman is expected “to combine firmness with gentleness ” in her disposition ; or, in other words, she is to unite the strength to execute her various labours with the softness necessary to | make her satisfied with the shabbiest possible salary. If people cannot, or will’ not, pay a Governess for the qualities a Governess ought to possess, thev should forego an appendage to their esta- blishment which is in reality a badge of meanness and degradation, though employed for the sake |“ vietim to appearances.” PUNCH AT THE PLAY. Ir would be unfair to blame the Magistrates who, according to the| The Little Treasure, at the Haymarket, is a little gem; its great of display, and the Governess is thus the real | Hampshire Independent, adjudicated on the following case the other day at the Southampton Petty Sessions :— “UNPLEASANT NAMES “Hewry Vares, a lad, was summoned by James Baooxs, of the Back of the Walls, for repeatedly annoying him, and calling him, on Sunday last, by the names of ‘ cow- month,’ ‘ slobberchops,’ ‘ pig-jobber,’ ‘ beicher,’ and ‘ bladder-biower. “ He was fined 10s. and costs, or fourteen days imprisonment.” Certainly the Southampton magistrates cannot be justly found fault with for passing the above sentence. It seems a heavy one, —_* Ten shillings fine for five abusive names !—that is two shillings ne per name, besides costs; amount unknown. A large sum for an urchm to be amerced in !—but when it is considered that the language of Henry Yates was calculated—highly caleulated—to provoke James Brooks to a breach of the peace, consisting in the fracture of Henry Yates’s bead—for which solution of continuity Ma. Brooxs would | have ineurred a penalty of more than ten shillings—the judgment of their Southampton Worships will appear perfectly righteous. Yet, whilst we concur in the award of the judges, we cannot withhold our sympathy from the case of the culprit. The juvenile railer was muleted for the use of strong expressions, but it is impossible not to admire that very strength of them to which the fine was proportionate. How graphic too—“cow-mouth ”—“ slobber-chops!” We hope the Southampton Magistrates have not nipped a genius in the bud—a genius of invective. Surely, if anybody conversant with his country’s literature had been asked to guess the author of the epithets applied to Mr. Brooks by Master Yares, he would instantly have named the late Wiittam Cossetr. Instruction rather than punishment is desirable for such an offender as Masten Henry Yates. Were’ his natural faculties disciplined and directed by education, he would Jearn to substitute refined nuendo for coarse vituperation, to speak cutting nds instead of unpleasant toads and frogs, and desisting from indulgence in the application of abusive terms, to couch an insult in a mibbie. By fining Masten Wiitiam Yares ten shillings and costs or his untutored and unadorned imsolence, who knows that the South ampton Magistrates have not spoiled a brilliant wit of the personal species, and deprived future society of a sparkling ornament in the 8 of a smart ulterer of rude things ? value arising from its great purity, its surpassing brightness. Even as in the fairy tale, a whole maasion is to be illuminated by a single jewel suspended from the roof, so isa whole household gladdened and delighted by the one fireside jewel—bright, pure, and on all sides glancing lustre. The story is full of tender pathos, and yet with merriment in it; a baby’s tear. A few words tell the tale. Hushand and wife have been twelve years separated: the husband claims our mereiful consideration, in virtue, or rather in terror of a mother-in-law Though a soldier, it. is only need‘ul to look at the adamantine curls of Mrs. Meddleton—those fireside bolts!—to think somewhat leniently of the naughtiness of the Colonel. To be sure, Lady Howard seems a charming woman; but then—with the golden fruit is there not the mother-in-law dragoness? Now Gertrude, the little treasure, otherwise the priceiess little pearl, learning the cause that separates her parents— (she has no recollection of her errant father, who ought to be ashamed of those lodgings in Curzon Street.)—determines to bring them together; and this she does with all the might of gentleness, with ail the art of innocence. The conquest is perfect, and the house rings with admiration of the naturalness, the tenderness, the vivacity, and the pathos of Gertrude. In the heart of the hearts of the audience she is confessed to be soft a little treasure—but a very great ove Miss Bcaxcue Fane is the fortunate Gertrude ; fortunate in the possession of powers to make for herself friends of nightly thousands. Her Gertrude is « flower, fresh with the dew upon it; with not a whiff from the lamps We are at once assured that the stage has won in her a new attraction. May it be tenderly dealt with! Mas. Poryrer—the awful mo'her-in-law—is terribly real. We [e alone can put her in immortal leave her portraiture to Leecu black-and-white. Cause and Effect. | Tue Austrian Correspondence declared that “ eighty “ were in sight of Odessa, resolved to bombard the city.” The wieked print then added, “the Emreso« or Russia will not visit Odessa.” Haply, | his Imperial Majesty has no taste for fireworks ? | og age te ne suai tas

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON A POLITE REQUEST! Drover. “ Hi/—Marm !—Stop her, Turn her!” CHARIVARI. [Octoper 27, 1855 CANT AND THE CONJUROR. Mr. Pcwca presents his compliments to the | Governors of the Caledonian Asylum, and begs to know what amount of contribution was paid to their funds by the juggler at the Lyceum for the loan of the “ fourteen orphans in full Scottish costume,” the orphans whose “ fathers have recently perished while defending Sebastopol ?” Mr, Punch \earns from the printed puff, that the | juggler himself “ who was also attired in the dress of his native land, the Maconecon tartan— | made a very touching speech concerning them, | which enlisted the entire sympathy of the audience.” It may be all very proper that these poor children should be occasionally regaled with wine and cakes; but, why for the | profit of a juggler, should they—like the animals | at the Park—have their feeding time in public? | The conjuror himself only carries out his trade. | He, of course, would ply his gilt balls and shuffle his cards for the penny’s-worth in a hospital; but Mr. Punch must, im conclusion, put it to the Governors of the ian Asylum, whether | they do not, at such a time, betray a sacred trust, | when they suffer the of their guardian- | ship to be turned into the ready-money tools of | the mountebank ? | Delicate Attention. Wao says that France and England can be | real Allies? England has thrown down the | | gauntlet to France. We have reason to know | that Her Masesry has sent overto the’ Empenon | Tuileries’ knocker. A SCHOOL FOR TIGERS IN THE EAST. Tue following rather alarming account is taken from a daily News- paper :— “Rarip Deporviation oF SixcaPporz ny Tioers.—Two deaths by tigers every week (says the Singapore Free Press) are read of in mere just about as mach a matter of course as the arrival or departure of the P. O. Company's steamers. It is notorious that daring the last; fifteen or twenty years many thousands of men have lost their lives from this cause. Yet the only measures by Government, so far aa we know, to prevent this enormous sacrifice of life, have been to dig tiger-pits in various parts of island (whieh we are now told did little or no good), and to give a reward of 100 Company's rupees for every tiger killed on the island. The reward is, for all practical purposes, ineffective; it ought to be increased to 250 rupees; for the price of procuring destruction of one tiger in the jungle of Singapore is a hundred dollars, and the thing cannot be done for 110 Company's rupees.) Such is the position | pier | Picting the fall of Sebastopol. | more fo: ia which we are now placed. If the population of Singapore is really being converted into food for tigers, and the inhabitants are departing as regularly as the steamers, it is high time that something should be done to save the remnant of the populace. Considering that the tigers have evidently got the upper hand, we think they show a sort of moderation in taking only two inhabitants per week, and there is consequently no hope of any further diminution, for it is clear that the brutes are y on what ma considered low diet. We cannot be surprised at the anxiety of the of the Singapore Free Press, who may any day be selected as a moiety of the weekly allowance of the somewhat abstemious tigers,‘who appear | to be practising the negative virtue of moderation and regular living. Since the Government will not, or cannot, take the matter up, and pat the tigers down, we would advise the population’of Singapore to enter | into an arrangement with the brute-slayer at the top of the Haymarket, and we have no doubt that Ma. Cummine would be hailed as the Owning Man, if he ee to offer his servi 1e Singapore journalist expresses | increasing,” —or im other words, that the population will go on dimmish- ing—and we fully sympathise with his editorial fears ; for even should he be so lucky as to escape till after every other inhabitant is disposed of, itor it would be but a sorry consolation to feel oneself constituting the | last mouthful at a feast of tigers. We suspect that our Eastern{contem little romance, or is agi enervating influence of the climate, for we cannot suppose that the people and the Government are quietly submitting to the gradual con- | sumption of the inhabitants in the manner deseribed, and our friends | at Singapore wiil excuse us, therefore, if we have treated somewhat | on his return from victory, is weleomed by the obj lightly a subject that we should certai as no joke, if we put faith in the statements on which we have commented. | from the same point. be | | their decks with rage, and ordering bombardments of all kin ces. his fear that the “evil will go on | is either indulging in a| tated by fears that have grown up under the | one of her own white kid gloves for tying up the | COUP D’EIL EXTRAORDINAIRE. Ir is a foolish notion, that Art languishes while War proceeds. War developes the resources of Art. A singular proof of this has been given in the gradual advance of pictorial art in reference to represen- | tations of the scenes in the Crimea. When the struggle began, a few | modest sketches of Russian scenery, and a few barren charts of the | coast, issued, and satisfied the public. But the interest deepened, and | our artists had the benefit of the graphic letters which came streaming | in on all sides, and which enabled them to do wonders in the way of | illustration. The immense progress which illustrated Art has made is, however, splendidly shown by the last pictures which have come out de- | ut is really impossible to have much r your money. Never was such acoupd ail. The stronghold is in a blaze, while the gallant Allies are respectively attacking M. off and Redan, and you can see both attacks at once, and the manly features of WiypHam and the energetic bearing of Pexissizr are plainly visible You can also see the Duke or NewcastTLz on the hill whence Ae, less y, could see nothing. You can behold GoRTSCHAKOF? encouraging his men to run away from the “ blood- stained ruins,” you can see the commanders of the Russian ships sink- ing them, while our cwn brave captains may be made out, stomping on | you,'is Balaklava harbour, with the vessels in repose, and the Railway in active work,—you could hear the whistle but for the cannonading ; and, if you look close, you may behold the Times’ correspondent in his tent, making, with bis pen, the immortal photographs which bring the War to every household. We are informed, too, that if you look into the corner of the picture, you may see Lonp Panmure, at the other end of the electric telegraph, spelling out the news, on his features an | expression of contempt for GeneraL Simpson. The comprehensive in ~~ _ what is chiefly studied, and this advance, we repeat, we owe | to the War. ————== | Medals and Clasps. We hear much of clasps being given, whereas medals were due, to the Crimean heroes. The relative value of clasps and medals depends, let the medals be ever so valuable, very much upon what sort of clasps the clasps are. There is, for instance, the clasp with which the hero, of his affections. This clasp is worth any medal, and we hope it will reward all those who deserve it, as soon as possible.

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p, to nds, asps ero, who Octoner 27, 1855.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 171 7. Is the Earth round or spherical ? A BLIGHTED BEING. 8. Ln you ever receive a black eye at school ? pr ; ‘ 9 at is the difference between a loose fish and a fish loose ? Office of Cierl Commissioners, Westminster, 10. What work do you propose to do in proportion to Salary ? = ESPECTED Sik, 11. Meaning of the word Salary ? J/r~ “Bavinefailed 12 ane oe word work in its primary and secondary sense ? to = hs coe s — TLLiaM THE Conqueror married or single ? tion for Hen Mases- oq; G ; you explain if Engiand was joined{to the main-land ty’s Civil Service 15. Which is most aseful—a steel or quill pen, and why ? (owing to’a not un- 16. Explain the difference between a reasonable man and a man of natural mistake be- ws =a tween Homer's 17. Which is the Examiner! Odyssey and pee 18. Which is the Examinee ? ” Pasna), I beg to Se ea offer myself as a can- didate for any situ THE IDOL-WORSHIP OF THE WHITE NIGGERS. tion'im your domestic) Wye a pity it is that the E peoples do not realise the eon- “Ty in w they would find if the Russians were to enclose YOU sueeed in the attempt to subjugate them! Could they but imagine a copy of the last that, they would unite instantly, and form s general. eoaiition t paper I wrote at these ambitious and powerful savages. ‘The superiority of the Coan's the examination— subjects to those of Kine Kossomo may be => is only military. the subject being, to Nor, to judge from some antics of an idolatrous kind in which he has write an official to been lately indulging, does the former potentate appear to be, intellec- some great autho. ‘lly and morally, a very much more exalted monarch than the latter. . be Pane: The following extract from a contemporary exhibits the Exrznor or rity, explaining YOUr Ary rue Russias engaged in devotions very closely ing those general views on the | which are wout to be performed by the dingy sovereigns of Western subject of the Civil! Africa -— Service. “A letter from St. Petersburg says that the Empgnon ALexampen, in his recent visit “T have the honour to be, Sir to Moseow, not only went with all the Im family to the holy temples, | ’ catacombs, and chapels, kissing the relies of the saints, and themsel vow “Your most obedient, humble servant, before the altars; but in order to fortify the courage of his army, determined on carrying to it a relic of St. Sergius, consisting of a painted image of the saint from one | y ae ) of the sides of his coffin, which is supposed to be of great sanctity and virtue, and which algebraic expression, signifying a Clerk without an ointment.) figured in the wars of the Czags, Micwet Frovorovicn, and Persn Tam Freer, and in (4a braic ¢ ' if PP that of Moscow in 1812. On giving up the image to the Czaa,« religious cere- . mony took place, and the Metropolitan, in the course of it, made following solemn “To tue SecRETARY FoR Wank. appeal to the Saint: — St. Sergius!—Thou gavest thy blessing to Puixce Dimrrms, to . . * 4s the Czaas, Micuer, Perea, and ALexaspex—look down favourably on the Czaa, “ Srr,—I have the honour to inform you that I wish to distinguish ALRxaypta NicoLareviter, who comes to demand from thee thy holy image, in order myself in apy y, my notions are that the pay should be to show it to his Army as the sacred mark of thy praye's of benediction and protection,’ equal to the work, as well as the wishes of the aspirant. I have been - deh The Caan, on vessiving the image, eee ath.” uecated on an which has not cireumscribed my knowledge, e Exrxnon has taken the image in question w south. which is as extensive as the track of sea | formerly gazed "hth and) Away Czar ALexawper has gone with his Fetish ; and, rhaps, if which induced me to study the height, depth, and breadth of ail things he resvives on perpetrating any wickedness whilst he holds it in his within my cireumference. You will not think it exaggeration for me {eeping, he will, in order that it may not see him, bury it in the to say that I could look far a-head.' With respect to my predilections for earth after the manner of one of his royal brethren of the Guinea the Civil Service, I beg respectfully to state that honour will not cure a Coast uninfluenced by Missionaries. If such is the Sovereign, what wound nor restore a dead bedy ; that I was always attached to civility, must the subjects be? And these debased and groveiling, but for- and therefore prefer a service where bows and attention to the polite midable adorers of ridiculous idols are menacing,the civilisation of arts of Routine are eminently practised. The honour of the QuEEN’s Europe! “4 Service surpasses that of a private individual in the same ratio that Bat, some cosmopolitan gentleman will tell us, this is an illiberal and Lombard Street holds to a China o or Windsor Castle to a sentry-| narrow-minded way of looking at a practice of the Greek Chureh. box, more or less. Having disposed of the guo modo and quare, Ihave However, Fetishism is Fetishism ; though perhaps, our cosmopolitan no difficulty in speaking of the modo, secording to the expression of friends would insist on having a large and li vie@ taken of that. Horace, rem —_—— modo, rem. This then is not a matter of in- If we are ever at peace again with Russia, the gentlemen concerned in difference, but is rather a sine gud non. Philosophers and statesmen the Birmingham ido! trade, who export gods to India, will probably have disputed whether a little with comfort, or much with discomfort find an extended market for their manufactures am the natives of is most desi . I beg to differ from both parties, and to assert, the Avrocrat’s territory, and their best customer in that enlightened without flinching, my firm conviction, that a great deal of pecwma is ruler himself. That is io say, if their scandalous and shocking traffic very compatible with ease and comfort. I might go further and state js allowed to proceed. the general impression of clerks in office—that mending pens and jooking The Czar may not be accustomed’ to sport a footman’s gold-laced out of window is a pleasant routine of official time, and will entitle 4 hat and a peacock’s feather. His undress may not be a state of haif- competent person to ts. Indeed we have heard the nakedness, nor his full costume ‘an old red, coat and « pair of striped faet of an ex-Colonial Secretary, who ‘cursed all the Hindoos, looked eotton drawers. His usual posture, when seated, may not be that of out at the windows, and sometimes he mended a pen.’ My aspirations squatting on his hams. Neiher his Russian Masesty, nor his sub- receive a competent salary, with the pri of rising higher, that it skins are not black. This is to be lamented ; for, if their hides were is immaterial where I go, provided it is at Hen Masesty’s expense— sable, the darkness of their exteriors would symbolise their internal that my wishes, perhaps, out-run my prospects with regard to am want of light, strike the mind through the eye, and scare all the imerease of pay; and that eventually my reward will be, mens 4 civilised races of mankind into a confederacy, resolved to disarm conscia recti (a mind conscious of right). I would ‘simply add, that | or destroy them. consider all examinations —_ —_ than oe being 4 — wee temper, patience, memory, self-command ighiy injurious to the . satan a mom involving a concatenation of ideas, which sometimes Bear and Forbear leaves the examinee worse than they found him. Pherefore, | rejoice A RECENT paragraph, from a Toronto paper, informs us that a in that noble sentiment ‘my mind to me a kingdom is.’ “ struggie with a wanted, bese . cunestores generally nel If “ examination benefi ew this is the case, it is probable that Ma. Hamruton qill abandon in ee Sete De he Sesview: despair his dispute with the Duke or Somunset, notwithstanding the 1. Your name and age. mauling which the latter has experienced. 2. State your own merits. } 3. Mention your own wishes. | 4. Have you had the small-pex ? Pouitica, Toxwres.—Ministers cannot understand agriculture. At 5. Will you serve the Queen ? least they do not appear to be aware of the jmportance of cultivating 6. Give your idea of two and two. Swedes. a ps a Lo 7 | |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Octoper 27, 1855, | A CABINET QUESTION. PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE. “ The firm Roman to great Egypt sends This treasure of an oyster.” Antony and Cleopatra, Act ii., Scene v. Te superior sorts of German wines are called “ Cabinet.” We have a shrewd, unchari- table opinion, that these are the only kinds of | Cabinet that the Kiye or Prussia ever opens his mouth at. Thus, when the Court Circular of Prussia informs us, “His Masegsty, Frep. | erick Wri11aM, attended a Cabinet yesterday | afternoon :” it simply means that he was present at a meeting at which none but the choicest Cabinet wines were admitted. It is a pity, how- ever, that the se same Court Conaber ( ireular (the Heidel berg Ton, fi i i would not be a bad emblematic Circular for such a Court) never informs us how many bottles with the Krxe’s private seal were discussed upon these august occasions ?’—and how long his Teetotal Teutonic Majesty was _— im discussing them? Agam, there is r great lapsus ; —we are always kept in the dark as to whether Mapame Curicquot (Veuve) is ever present at these little Cabmet réumions? We that at a meeting, where the order of the day is the exclusion of all politics, that her presenee would give verve and to many a dul] moment. But, without a doubt, the poor Court Historian has a difficult task of it. It would}hbe unkind to wish to increase his perplexities. If he were to — all the ee eo be having some such paragraph as the following creeping into the Royal record :— “The Cabinet sat for four hours, when it was suddenly brought to an end by His Majesty accidentally falling from his chair, and spraining his ancle. His Majesty received every attention from his Ministers, who even carried their solicitude so farjas to carry their Royal Master up to bed.” Spanish Arithmetic. Ly a Spanish paper there is an account of the execution of twenty-five rebels. The writer de- clares that “the rebels were a// of them taken out, and shot by fours.” This comes of a nation | never paying its debts; it inevitably loses the | knowledge of the first elements of arithmetic. BENCH BUFFOONERIES, Ivy some of the County Magistrates are deficient in wisdom, they | appear to be making a desperate effort to make up for the deficiency by a display of wit, of which we have been favoured with the following | specimens from the town of Sunderland : SUNDERLAND POLICE. “ Jaues Furs, drawing his knife to stab the officer who was taking him up for fighting.—All I have to say is, the policeman took me out of my brother's hands. I was taking the knife out to cut some tobacco. “P.C. Hotes. There was no tobacce found on him. “ Ma. Simpson (one of the Magistrates). You won't bacey us in that manner. “ Fined 40s.” To our southern apprehensions, this kind of thing seems to want all the ordi attributes of humour ; but to the northern appetite for waggery which finds wit in the effete balderdash of CuristorpHER Nortu, whose feeble-minded play on the word “ Mulligatawny” has | been seriously cited as a specimen of first-rate facetiousness, it is possible that ‘ may be voraciously devoured. A joke at the end of a sentence, as in the above instance, is well enough, but when justice is interlarded with jokes, and the decision is affected by the ribaldry with whieh the case is interwoven by the Bench, the matter becomes rather more grave, and we therefore protest against the mode of proceeding indicated by the following paragraph : “Barnrnotomew Gawuey, and his wife, Many, kicking up a shindy in their own cabin in Charch Street. “Bantu. i believe, Sir, the officer is telling the truth. in Sunderland. “Ma. Suapsox. How often have you been here?—Only once, Sir, and it was fora very small thing. I've been six or seven years e pun of Mr. Justice Siwpson on the word “bacey” | “Mx. Suapson (to the Mayor). I would let him go, Sir, that’s a good character for an | Irishman. “Tax Mavror. My brother magistrates think you should get off, as you have behaved 80 well previously; you are therefore discharged. “Ma. Susrsox. And let it be six or seven years before you come back |” This is all very pretty and playful as far as it goes, but however | ' humorous the notion, of letting a man off who is offence, because he has been only once previously c with another, we cannot recognise the law or the ‘logic, in accordance with which the arrangement was come to by the Magistrates. The parting advice | of Ma. Justice Suupson, “ Let it be six or seven years before you come | back,” would seem to involve the dictum, that offences committed at | intervals of six or seven years may be committed with impunity. It is possible that the whole report may be erroneous, and that none | of the waggeries recorded in the extracts we have made were perpe- trated by the Sunderland Bench, but presuming the facts to be fairly stated, we think there is ground for a quo warranto, to know by what authority Momus} is found {acting {in the Commission of the Peace for | the borough alluded to. charged with one | Soyer's Final Triumph. Tue ingenuity of Sorzer makes rations go so far, that one wishes he could also apply it to projectiles. If he could do as much with | shells as he can accomplish with eggs, how soon we should demolish the north side of Sebastopol! One more achievement Sorer has to perform for the completion of his glory. It is to cook the Russian eagle, which no doubt he would do beautifully, if we could but catch the bird, as we wish we soon may. CASUALTIES AT HOME. Tue Balaklava Railway does not appear to have been so dangerous as the trenches, at least, we do not hear that more lives were lost on the former than in the latter. Railway travelling seems to be better managed in the Crimea than it is at home. A Muscovirzs Jenvsatem.—There is, it is said, a sham Jerusalem | built at Moscow. Very proper. The “mock tomb” exactly harmonises with the Christianity. Printed by William Brad , of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. Printers, at their in Leadon.—Sarvapat, October 37, 1585. 4 19, Quren’s Road West, Regent's Park, both in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, Lombard Steet, in the Precinet of Whiteiiars, m the Civy of , Leadon, and Published by them at No. %, Fleet Street, im the Parish of St. Bride, in the City of

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yal ith | has toh ous | THE CHURCH IN DANGER. danger to the Church, or, at least, to that portion of it which is represented b the affluent, from the fol- lowing advertisement :— AFFLUENT CHURCH OF ENGLAND MEN.—A gentleman, holding « position of some eminence, and of such a nature as to enable him to pro- mote on a very large scale sound Church principles, APPEALS to the wealthy friends of these prin- ciples under circumstances of pe- culiar difficulty. The very nature of bis position has involved him in a heavy outlay at first, and led him to incur a debt, for the pay- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL E really do spevebend come | ment of which, he is threatened | AGRICULTURAL SPENDTHRIPF'S. It is a great mistake to suppose that prodigals and spendthrifts a « chiefly to be found amongst the youthful heirs to great estates. The most extravagant dog in existence is the Norfolk agricultural labourer. This assertion we make on the authority of Ma. T. G. Tuck, a magis- trate of that county. At a meeting of the Blofield and Walsham Agricultural Association, M k. Tuck is reported to have stated certain particulars concerning the Norfolk peasantry, which exhibit them as accustomed to indulge in reckless profusion to a degree without paralle! in the annals of the Insolvent Court. The cause of their lavish and profligate conduct is precisely the same as that which has ruined so many juvenile inheritors of riches—the seeming immensity of their affluence. These ploughmen and carters are rolling in wealth, amount- ing in many instances to l(s. or 12s, a-week; thus overloaded with abundanee, they evince the common weakness of human nature so cir cumstaneed: and, as Ma. Tuck says,— “ What was light! uired was Ii thomsen, In tae yemn of 100s ans 10th thee Berne mee toa eee, Oe eare how it was wasted, and he would give an instance of it. He once saw three chil with legal proceedings. His income | dren of one family, in the middle of an afternoon, with a large piece of bread in their is large, and in a few years he could pay off this debt by instalments, but he cannot | hands, eating some of it, giving some of it to a dog, and throwing the greater part of obtain the required time. The sum mired is £2,000. He cannot offer what is called legal security for the repayment of @ sum, but, if any person of wealth should be induced to advance it, he would undertake to pay 5 per cent. interest, to repay the prin- cipal by instalments in five years, and to give insurances on his life as security in the event of his decease. He is to admit of the fullest inquiry into the circum- stances by any person who proves that he sincerely desires to meet the case, and is not | actuated mere curiosity. Whoever does so will do good service to our Chureh in an important field of usefulness. Address ——. Church Principles ;” and we are equally ignorant as to the principle —either moral, social, or commercial—upon which a gentleman of net ee has run into debt to the tune of £2000, without the means yment. If he were a boy at the outset of life, we might attribute his difficulties to on his own part, and roguery on the part of others ; but with a be so indulgently treated. We admire the determined rebuff which the advertiser is prepared to give to “ mere curiosity,” and his resolution to treat only with one who “sincerely desires to meet the case,” or, in other words, is prepared to “dub up” a couple of thousand pounds 1 “ large income,” and a “ position of | eminence,” the debts which would be pardonable in early life, cannot | | it om the He rode up to the cottage in which they lived, and asked their mother why she encouraged snch waste in her family? Her answer was, ‘ Sir, my husband would be extremely angry with me if I refused these children a piece of bread and cheese at any hour of the day.’ ” : This wasteful woman had actually given her children more bread than they could manage to eat. course she might easily have known |how much they absolutely required. The test of their being really We do not know what may be the advertiser’s notion of “ Sound | bungry would have been their erying bitterly. She ought not to have complied with their mere demand for Had she not. been utter! devoid of any feeling of frugality, she would have made them wait til they screamed for it. All that Ma. Tuck could get from this dissolute woman in answer to his remonstrances, was, that “it was very hard to deny the poor children a piece of bread.” An astounding reply, pro- bably, to that gentleman who, doubtless, thought that nothing could be more easy. Note, that this instance of profusion occurred to Ma. ‘Tuck not less frequently than once. Maz. Tuck further averred that,— “He knew a tleman who me ry visited the enttages of the poor, and that gentleman had told him that he went one Tuesday into a cottage, the ceeupier of which before asking any questions. It is rather difficult to conceive in what | "#4 reertved bis wages on the previous Monday, and witnened such extrayagance ax ’ way “ our Church is to profit by getting one of its “eminent ” members out of a pecun demoralise the Church, by giving encouragement to extravagance scrape ; and, indeed, it would seem to us that, to| pay the debts of this rather improvident Churchman, would tend to | be would not have allowed in his own house. The following Friday be visited the same house again, and the people were eating dry bread. ' In eating dry bread, did Mr. Tuck mean to say that they were con tinuing the course of extravagance, on the Friday, which they had There is some ingenuity in holdmg out the double temptation of love | commenced on the Tuesday? It would be natural to conclude that he for the Church, and five y “undertakes to pay,” though he candidly admits that he “ cannot offer what is called legal security.” per cent. interest, which the advertiser | did, as be evidently considers dry bread a thing of which it is possible for labourers to eat too much; and probably, with wages of even 10s | or 12s a-week, they would not, although they had just been paid, have Of course, therefore, there will be nothing to depend upon but the | been so outrageously ex'ravagant as to eat anything better. “Church principles” of the advertiser, and it is not likely that these | principles, judgmg from the mess their owner has got mto, will provide very efficiently for the payment of the promised interest. Had we the | neil of the artist, we should like to draw the portrait of “the party ” y whom this advertisement is put forth, and the other “party” who | will possibly reply to it. We foresee a correspondence, in which the advertiser will be requested to forward his solaghinene for £2000, to some tleman of a Jewish name, but whose principles are sound Chureh, who has a friend also a high Churchman, who, when quite satisfied that Church interests will be served, will be ready to advance the sum required. We can imagine a police case arising out of the business, when the gentleman of “eminent position” and “ Church prin- ciples” (represented chiefly by a white choker) will call upon that eminent Churchman, Ma. Davis Laurence, to show cause why he does not return certain acceptances which sound Churchman Number One entrusted to sound Churchman Number Two, and on which the former has not received a shilling. If the Church wishes to keep itself out of danger, we recommend its keeping itself quite free from bil! transactions, even though they be of the tempting kind advertisement. America and Russia. Centary ‘American prints avow that America sympathises with ussia. e cannot believe so vile a upon the American yom. _ That certain dweilers in the States may sympathise with the uscovites, we can easily conceive. The owner of the slave wishes well to the owner of the serf. In this way, and in this way only, the knout has the sympathy of the cow-hide. THE END OF THE BLACK SEA. THe present naval operations in the Black Sea have, for their ulti- mate object, the identification of those waters with the Pacific. VOL. XXIX. suggested in the above | To some people, the case last quoted may not seem so strong against the luxurious Norlolk labourers as that of the children, but it is equally so; for eating too much bread is the worst way of wasting it. That which is given to a dog, nourishes the dog; that which is thrown away may feed the sparrows ; but that which is unnecessarily swallowed is wholly useless. If digestible, it goes to form supeifluous fat; if indigestible, it is so much rubbish, which cannot shot into any more unfit receptacie than the stomach. This is said with ali deference to Mr. Tuck, who, no doubt, thmks that children ought to tuck all their bread in. : The Norfolk Jahourers, by their excessive consumption of bread, inflict severe suffering on tne class of which Ma. Tock isa member. According to this gentleman :— “ There was a great deal of suffering after the measure for the repeal of the Corn Laws was pas-ed, and no one knew better than he did that the low of property wae enormous; but he believed they were suffering still from the repeal of the Corn Laws, and be would prove it. The repeal of those laws caused such extravagant and uneeo nomical practices on the part of the labourers that years and years would elapse before they returned to their former habits.” Mr. Tuck, then, related the above quoted anecdotes in proof of the extravagant and aneconomical practices of the labourers, Surely, every feeling heart will commiserate Mu. Tuck and his order, on aecount of the suffering and privation which must have been entailed upon them, through the loss of Protection, by the labourers’ inordinate indulgence in bread. We dare say that many of them are actually no longer able, by reason of the scarcity of flour which has thence arisen, to afford their livery-servants hair powder. A Hero Actor. Tre condnet of Lory Eanest Vane in the Ladies’ dressing-rooms of the Windsor Theatre, proves to demonstration tht that very fine young Engii-h gentleman is able at the very slic test wolice Lo act the part of Caliban in his own Tempest. eee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Ses ill\) Pees es. 4 HOW VERY EMBARRASSING. Qustavus. “Mama, Dear! Arne Movustacaios rasHionaBle ?” Mamma. “Wet, Gos, I pox’? KNOW EXACTLY, BUT I BELIEVE THEY ARE.” Gus. “Ou! THEN, I8 THAT THE REASON WHY Miss GRUMPH WEARS 'E (Miss Gaumrn, as well as being strong-minded, is rather m INSPECTION OF FIELD-MARSHALS. One of the most remarkable military ceremonies which we have lately had the pleasure of recording, took place on Saturday last, at the United Service Institution in Whitehall Yard, where several gallant soldiers, officers, and privates, who have distinguished them- selves in the Crimea, inspected the Field-Marshals in Her Mavsesty’s made Field-Marshals arrived punctually in their respec- Service. The recent] ; tive somnatbalaiae and were received by the attendants with the utmost kindness and tenderness. They were lifted along the passage, and placed in three of the easiest chairs which could be procured. The windows were carefully closed to exclude draughts. ; : While waiting the arrival of the veteran F.M., whose creation, dating 1840, is much older than that of the Peninsular Generals, and to whom more latitude was therefore very properly allowed, the objects of in- | terest in the Institution were explained tothe Marshals. The skeleton | of Marengo, the horse ridden by Naroteon at Waterloo, much delighted them, as having belonged to an acquaintance of other days, and Genera Woure’s Quebec sword recalled to them an event of their younger lives. The other Field-Marshal’s carriage was then heard, and presently H.R.H. entered, in the uniform which he wore at the taking of his last quarter’s salary. Scots Fusilier Guards, the Colonel-in-Chief of the Sixtieth Rifles, the Grand Ranger of Windsor Park, the Lord-Warden of the Stannaries, the Chief Steward of the Duchy of Cornwall, the Governor and Con- stable of Windsor Castle, the High Steward of Plymouth, the Colonel of the Artillery Company, the Chancellor of the University of Cambridge, and the Prixce Consort. Mr. Punch was also present. The inspection was then gone through, and the Field-Marsbals were examined as to their efficiency, and their capability of rendering mili- tary service to Her Masesty. The Peninsular Generals admitted that their day had gone by; but said that they were delighted to hear that younger men were appointed to do their work. From motives of deli- cacy it was thought best not to undeceive them. They were then | asked if they had any complaint to make, and a Amey that they had,—that their promotion to the highest rank in the Army had either | been earned forty years ago, or not at all; and that both the delay | which had taken place, and the moment selected for conferring | the honour, were equally unfair. Mr, Punch promised that this | evidently their proper place. With him came the Colonel of the | [November 3, 1855. DIZZY BREWED A KIND OF PLOT. Dizzy brew’d a kind of plot, And Brieut and GLapstonz came to sec: Three downy birds; a Quaker ane, Ard twa ex-heads o’ Chancerie. We are nae friends, we are nae friends, But when we catch the Speaker’s e’e, What ane may say the twa may say, And over goes the Ministree. Here we are met, three fluent boys, Three fluent boys I trow are we; And mony a night we’ve kept the floor, And wearied out stenographee. We are nae friends, we’re nae that friends, | But when we catch the Sreaken’s e’e, | We'll cry for peace at any price, And over goes the Ministree. It will nae do to blaw our horn, * Proclaiming unanimitee ; The nation might nae like the game; So, by my troth, we’ll wait a wee. We are nae friends, we are nae friends, But when we catch the Srzakenr’s e’e, We'll all gae in for making aoe And praise the Russian’s honesty, Wha first shall rise must say the War Is urged with sad ferocity ; The next on Taxes foul shall fa’ ; ‘The third shall preach o’ Policy. We are nae friends, we’re nae that friends, But when we catch the Sreaxen’s e’e, The House shall find a union form’d To overset the Ministree. . - Mytnowocy Exriainep.—Venvs’s car was “ue drawn by pigeons, inferring thereby that in Love asculine in appearance. there should be no kicking over the traces. should be notified, and expressed his entire concurrence in their sentiments. H.R.H. was then inspected, and was warmly complimented upon being in such apparently excellent condition. H.R.H. stated that he was at that moment quite as fit to discharge the duties of a Field- Marshal as he ever had been, and that he Tes hoped to serve his Sovereign in that capacity. Although he could not as yet aspire to the renown of his colleague in honours, F.M. Lzopotp, Kine or Tue | Beerans, who had received £1,200,000 of the people’s money up to | last pay-day, and who therefore was naturally avxious to negociate a | peace , as such items might in war-time be thought objectionable), he trusted that he should not be found unworthy of the relationship. The examination being completed, the inspectors departed, wiih the | single recommendation, that the Field-Marshals, being happily lodged | in a collection of military curiosities, should be kept in what ™ | BREAD AND STONES. Cenrtatn patriots, altogether guiltless of their country’s good, con- | | tinue to meet on Sundays in Hyde Park, to discuss the question of high prices, and believe in their philosophy that the only remedy for dear Sand is in the use of stones. Hence, these worthies fling about their ments in a manner, not so much calculated to convince the heads of their opponents as to split them. We have no doubt that these patriotic young gentlemen are animated by the best iatentions, and are quite in earnest in their desire to construe the cause of dear bread. We therefore beg leave to refer them to the Emrenror or Russia: and further propose that a recruiting company should be in attendance at the Park, in order to enlist the sympathies of the triotic young gentlemen to the confusion of the Czar of the dear oaf. As they are so fond of flinging stones, we do not see why they _ x not be incorporated into a force, to be called “The Heavy ebbles.’ AMENITIES OF POLITICAL LIFE. A Lapy of the good old Tory School, and closely related to the one of the old women at the Horse Guards, declares, that “She never can | forgive Nineveh for having discovered Mz. Layarp.”

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sa ~~ leavy > one r cad | Novemper 3, 1855.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 175 PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE. “ Disguised as Muscovites.” Love’s Labour s Lost, Act v. / 7 | MAUD FOR AGRICULTURAL MEETINGS. | Wuart do they mane by the blessuns 0’ Pace ? we ha’ vound it a cuss. | Zivilization, revinement, zience and arts be blow’d ! Talk o’ prawsperity—pshoo !—what times was there ever wuss Than when we was zellun our whate at next to nothun a load ? Prawgress! we’ve had too much; we’ve been gwian on too vast, We was gittun too vur a-head wi’ Machinery and Mind; Now arter varty year long we ha’ got to pull up at last, And gie up all them there schemes for the benefit of mankind. Pace! we ha’ had too much ; ue goed comes 0’ Pace to we; Mind, what I thinks I spakes, and what I approves I owns ; War, my bucks, I says, War, jolly war ~pme and sea, Raisun the price 0’ carp, costun enarmus loans! More cotton, for ever so long, than enough, by half, they ’ve spun ; Until we all was like to be choked wi’ cotton-twist. Wi jennies and calico mills the country was overrun ; But these here times o’ war is bringun our mills the grist. Pace is a pleasant thing for dapper fellers that stands Behind a counter, mizhurun lengths of tape. There let ’em viourish their shop-yards and rub their hands, Shavun the ladies ; cringe, bow, and congee, and scrape. Haberdashers, tailors, man-milliners, drapers, and sich, In Pace ha’ bin a thrivun like pigs upon barley meal ; They ’ve had a good long while to get fat and wealthy and rich : | Now, mates, our innuns is come; ‘tis now our turn o’ the wheel. Wutts is a lookun up, and barley ’s in good demand, So is banes , and likewise clover and hay. Therefore I holds that War is a blessun to the land, And as to the blessuns 0’ Pace I takes no aecount o’ they. ‘they did ever raise them, would meet those of grinning street- |and leering fast men about Town. The situation, in fact, to any | such exposure for the crime of want: and that they are not suffering — | AN ORTHODOX RUSSIAN LEGEND. ne following interesting particulars have reached us respecting the idol, in whose aid, combined with that of ardent spirits, the Ewrernon or Russia has put his trust, and through whose power and might he hopes to conquer. The image of Sr. Sexcivs was prepared by its priests for presentation to the orthodox Monarch by being freshly gilt, painted, and illuminated. It was supplied with a new wig; and some holes, which worms and earwigs had eaten in certain portions of it, were stopped with putty. Its fingers and toes were also mended. When the Czar worshipped his image, and kissed it, a | wonderful circumstance occurred. The nose of the devout | Monarch turned suddenly red, in consequence of the trans- | ference thereto, on the part of the holy image, of a portion tA colour with which its cheek had recently been painted. | ALexanpeR has made a solemn vow, that he will not | wash that paint from bis imperial nose until his pious | troops shall have retaken Sebastopol, and driven back the | Allies into the sea, | , The ears of the wooden St. Senoius have been so won- | derfully constructed as to hear; the eyes, as to see; the | nose, as to smell: the Saint enjoys a sniff of incense as much as any rq could a pinch of snuff. The prodigious mechanism of the tongue enables it to taste; that of the hands to feel; and that of the feet to walk : insomuch, that the holy image will not be carried in the van of the Russian forces ; no doubt being entertained that it will march, and lead them to victory. Young Prime Ministers. | Ir is said that Lonp Patmerston has become so sensible | of the necessity of filling all public offices with, at most, middle-aged men that he resolves at the earliest period of the Session, to lay a Bill before Parliament, by which no man | shall be permitted, after the present minister, to hold the post of Premier beyond the age of fifty. Loxp Jouw Russewt will, it is said, earnestly support the principle of the Bill; moving, however, the following amendment,— namely, that for the present minister, let there also be an exception in the case of the next Premier who is immedi- , Scene 2. | ately to succeed him, EXTRAORDINARY ATTRACTION IN THE QUADRANT. Ayone the gratuitous exhibitions of London is a spectacle to which the | public is treated in the Quadrant, Regent Street, by the benevolent pro- | rietor of a shop for boots, gloves, and other articlesof dress and ornament. | Lenedietely inside the window of this shop there are to be seen, throughout the day, not only the gloves, ts, and miscellaneous | ds, but also one or two young ladies, busily engaged!in needlework. | The establishment bears a name which appears to be a French one: | and may therefore suggest, to some minds, an explanation of the dis- play in the window. Our Allies entertain an idea that a wife, among | us, is a commodity of traffic; and it may be surmised, that the young ladies are placed in Moysizurn or MapaMe Cuose’s window for the | same purpose as the boots and gloves, namely, for sale. If this is the case, however, it had better be indicated by the recognised token of a halter worn in lieu of a necklace by the goods. A ticket fixed on each of them, stating their prices, would save much idle and superfluous | inquiry. A notice-card in the window might also mention that there is a great variety within, if such is the fact, and the shop is really a matrimonial emporium and conjugal depét. wi The girls, however, who are placed in the very forward position ahove described, do not appear to evince a corresponding character. | Their demeanour is rather confused, and their looks downcast, as if | they were afraid and ashamed to lift their eyes ; which, prey if | yys modest young woman, must be little preferable to that of a pillory; | and we eos these seamstresses have not been condemned to undergo penal servitude under a grinding employer, who compels them to drudge in the capacity of live dummies. a | Mrtrrany Tweatricats.—We are sure that our readers will be delighted to learn that the farce of “Simrsonw anv Co.” is no longer to be played in the Crimea.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemper 3, 1855. A LION-HUNTER’S MUSEUM. HE celebrated Lion- hunter of Belgravia, Mas. Niwzop, has for years t, been hunting Lions all over the Metropo- lis. The trap she was in the habit of | setting for them was simply a rose-co- loure a cup of weak tea. These, diluted still further with a quan- tity of washy music, were sufficient to entrap a Lion, no matter how savage in his habits, or greasy and unkempt in the mane. When she had caught one, she would assemble some three or four hundred fashionable ple, and let him oose amongst them. Her happiness was unbounded if he roared, let it be ever so gently ; but if he happened to bring a long tail with him, or was attended by a lioness, or some young cubs as ferocious as himself, then she would retire to bed the happiest of the happy, and dream of her extended fame as a celebrated Lion-hunter. ; In the course of her numerous cbases, she has collected innumerable trophies and curiosities. These she has arranged into a Museum, which she intends opening shortly in opposition to Ma. Gospos Cummuya’s at the top of the Haymarket. It w il indeed be a rare exhibition, and quite unique of its kind. We subjoin a few interesting items from the valuable Catalogue, which, like the one at the Bernat Osponye Collection, will be charged not less than five shillings, l. The celebrated Long-Bow, lately in the possession of the Editor of the [nvalide Russe 2. One of the lashes of the whip with which America intends, one of these days, to “flog the world.” 5. A false collar, belonging to a distinguished leader of the Irish brigade. Rare. 25. The famous Seotch Mall of Lorp Asearpeen, whilst he was Minister at the beginning of the Russian War. 46. The iron ring that fell from the nose of one of the Ojibbeway chiefs, after he had been taking a pinch of snuff, offered to him by the Pig-Headed Lady, on the evening of my celebrated soir¢e, July 19, 1548. a 57. The bone of the leg of mutton which Bzrwarp Kavanacu, the living skeleton, devoured at supper on the same occasion. In ect condition. 69. The Van that Cotttsewoop led at the Battle of Trafalgar. , 79. The Wedding-ring that was put on the toe of Miss Burris at the time of her marr. e. ay — u’s Balance of Europe, with the beam all twisted, and one of the scales leaning strovgly on the side of . 112. The Kuve or Seater glass the last time he sprained his ancle. ; 141. Louis Patiirre’s cotton umbrella during the last few days of his uy- | reign 152. The wooden handle to the Four Points that Lorp Jonw took with him on his last visit to Vienna, 2... Che washbandbasin in which Grapstong washed his hands of the present Ministry. 152. One of the two tears dropped by Str James Granam when he found that he had made a false charge against Ma. Layarp. 194. The pocket-handkerchief of the Victim of Unmerited Persecution, of the Victoria Theatre, and a pawnbroker’s duplicate found pinned on to “ GriMaLpI’s Mantle.” Very valuable. 322. The Porr’s Eye, when Fatoer Newman went over to Rome to eat his mutton. The New Cerberus of Downing Street. Tuts Cerberus is to have, like Mr.’Grapstowe’s speeches, the usual number of three heads. One head will have a broad brim, under which you will recognise the features of a well-known Manchester man; the second wih England beaver, with just a slight turn towards Puseyism; and the third will be an Asiatic Mystery, buried under a Mosaic tiara of hats, darkening the already dark Rhysiognomy underneath. This Cerberus, presenting the rare combination of three heads under five hats, will have around its neck a brass collar, on which you will be able to read, in half-Roman half-Hebrew characters, “ Coatrtion.” note, baited | with a sandwich and | wear a Church of | NURSERY RHYMES FOR FIELD MARSHALS. Tue appointment of some persons in a state of second childhood to the rank of Field-Marshal has suggested the propriety of furnishing a few appropriate Nursery Khymes, to be sung to the venerable military infants by way of lullaby. It would be cruel to disturb their very tender ears by martial strains, and we prefer putting them to “ by-by” on their bed of laurels to the tanes which are | usually sung at the side of every respectable cradle. “ Hush-a-by Baby.” Hush-a-by, Marshal, on the tree top, When the storm blows the System will rock : When the shock comes the System will fall ; Down will come System, Field-Marshal, and all. “ Ticketty, Dichetty, Dock.” Ticketty, dicketty, dock ! The people know what ’s o’clock : a public will frown, {outine must go down. Rieketty, tricketty, dock ! * There was a little Man.” There was a man of birth, Of very little worth, And his cranium was full of lead, lead, lead. A commission he obtain’d, __ And influence was strain’d, Till he got to the army’s head, head, head. “ Dance a Baby diddy.” Dance a lordling diddy ; What shall mammy do wid ’ee ? His frocks he discards, And into the Guards Dances the baby diddy. Smile, my lordling bonny, What will time bring on ’ee ? Promotion through birth, Independent of worth ; So smile, my lordling bonny. Laugh, my lordling beauty, What will be your duty ? Courtly St. James Your presence claims ; So laugh, my lordling beauty. Dance, my lordling deary, With service you ’ll never Frolic and play, And spend your pay, So dance, my lordling deary. be weary ; BEHIND THE SCENES AGAIN, A provryctaL Critic, whose lucubrations Pusch notices in one of the journals with which he is favoured, says of a certain actor, ““ We must also deprecate his most objection- able habit of playing to the pit, and gallery, and sometimes |to the boxes!” In the name of Tuesrts, to whom is the | unfortunate man to play? We almost imagined that pit, | gallery, and boxes made up the audience. The Critic was levidently standing at the wing, and felt insulted that | Hamlet Sid not give the audience his mere profile, and play full face to the visitor who condescended to come round ‘and look at him. This comes of admitting people behind the scenes: first a Lord smashes a ; then a Critic smashes an Actor. The practice should really be put 4 stop to. The Shepherd of Christchurch. Ma. Brows, the Rector of Christehurch, aided by the church-wardens, took the young and aged poor of his parish | —from baby in the lap to the eld of eighty—to the Crystal | Palace on Tuesday,—in all nearly two thousand persous- This is, indeed, to act the part of a good shepherd, to lead the weakest and the most helpless of the flock to drink a fill of enjoyment at the Crystal Fountains.

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1). ’ 4 ) TRAPPE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemser 3, | OR THE BUT ALL PUNCH, 4 = ro) =} o Le ° ro) m2 ° Lae) ce 4 © Q ) = o oe te F i 4 a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novenner 3, 1855 on A aM " 49444 N , = » . = > } ~ . } RN Tt ‘ — . 7 . a S ¥ \ } . rn j S 3 -“-. A VA ; SS . f F = a sts. > : ig Y 2 fs ——= j T] A —— 2 |= ‘ = SS : => r ih — ee is ALTIMA ora Mii Aa YW / / yy, al a GRAND MILITARY SPECTAC aK. The Heroes of the Crimea Inspecting the Field-Marshals. ‘OUHddvVuLeLlLF LOW vTViv

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| feat of the Prussian cavalry at the taking of Novemser 3, 1855.] THE NEW MAP OF EUROPE. A Review Mr, Punch expects shortly to have to write. HE indefatigable Charing Cross, has just pro- ial a map of Europe, in which the alter- ations,occasion- ed by recent revolutions and dynastic chan- ges are marked, and the new boundaries are given with great precision. Among the more important variations from the old map are the annexation of the dominions of the late Kixe Bomsa to the kingdom of Sardinia, and the substitution of the Roman Republic for the States of the Church. The fall of the House of Haps- burgh, and the restoration of Hungary to its independence have also occasioned alterations, as, of course, has the cession of the Rhenish provinces to France. The expulsion of Krye@ Cuicquor, and the elevation of his brother to the throne, as a constitutional monarch, and the consequent close alliance of Prussia with England (since the brilliant oscow, they have been named the Daughter of England’s Own) have caused no great change in the map, except that Prussia has absorbed several of the wretched little sovereignties in her neighbourhood. Poland now figures as she did before 1772; may we that she has learned wisdom, and that ber intestine broils will no longer tempt the appetite of aggressors. | The extermination of the Greeks, and the addition of Greece to the | Queen or EnGLann’s dominions, throws some more red colour into the Mediterranean, and the Crimea, restored to Turkey, ceases to be yellow. Russia is strangely shrunk up, and her humiliated and diminished appenremes is a perpetual caveat against the will of Perer THE FREAT. The independent provinces, which have arisen where stolen regions have been wrested from her, are the best guarantees against her ever again extending herself. The map naturally includes a portion of Asia Minor, and shows the Pashalic of H. R. H. Paryce Sens Pasha of Armenia, the protector of the Suitan’s Asiatic dominions, who holds the province as Sarp Pasna at present holds Egypt; a country which, however, His Masesty Apput Mepscurp has some idea of presenting | to Qugew Victorta, as a small token of respect and esteem. We do not know that there is any other alteration which we need note, as the conflagration which happily and utterly destroyed Holywell Street and its contents produced achange which, though great to London, is too small to be inserted in a map of Europe. Mr. Wrup deserves all credit for his, &c., &c. FIELDING ON FIELD-MARSHALS. It is one of the advantages of an author who takes nature for his guide, that what he writes will be as true to-day as it was yesterday, and as it will be to-morrow. We have been struck with the following passage in FrecpryG, which might have been written to describe the condition of the heads of our army that have recently served—if that can be called serving which is of no service | at ali—in the Crimea. Frexprne certainly hit the right nail, or the right people, on the bead, for he came down like the ¢ man on the right place, when he wrote thus on the mental qualifications of those who are sometimes entrusted with the command of armies. “ Nature (who, as wise men have observed, equips all creatures with what is most expedient for them) takes a provident care, as she always doth, with thove she intends for encounters, to make the skull three times as thick as those of ordinary men, who are designed to exercise talents which are vulgarly called rational, and for whora, as brains are necessary, she is obliged to leave some room for them in the eavity of the skull: Whereas, those ingredients being entirely useless to persons of the heroic calling, she hath an opportunity of thickening the Bone, so as to make it less subject to any impression, or liable to be cracked or broken ; and indeed in some who are pre- destined to the command of armies and empires, she is supposed sometimes to make It is clear that heroes with thick heads, and commanders with abun- dance of bravery and an absence of brains, were quite as familiar to the imagination of ft Tae Comme Man.—Geyznat S—ups—x. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 181 Mr. Wy tp, of ELDING as they are unfortunately to our own experience. | A PUZZLE FOR A COUNTRY COUPLE. Ly the following advertisement exeised from the Salisbury and Winchester Journal, there is rather more, perhaps, to) be understood | than will prove generally intelligible :— WANTED, —a MAN AND HIS WIFE: the Wife, 30 to 35 years of age, who has been brought up ina Training School, as MISTRESS of a smail | Village School. The salary £20 a-year, and a comfortable Co and good Garden. | The Man, if able to work on the Farm, at the usual Farm capable of taking care of a Hackney Stable, he might be so employed. Apply, by paid letter, to J. T., Post Office, Weymouth. The purpose for which the wife is wanted, appears to be that of filling the situation of mistress in a small village school; but it is by no means clear that the punctuation of the above announcement can be depended upon as indicating the meaning of its author, and that all which that individual intends to express, is not merely the indefinite requisition of a married person who has been educated as a small village schoolmistress in a school for training schoolmistresses. That a salary may consist of £20 a-year is comprehensible enough; but some little difficulty must be experienced in conceiving how a periodical payment can include a cottage and a garden. e's wages, or if Considered as the commencing clauses of some imaginable sentence, there is no great obscurity in the next succession of words, as far as Stable. “The Man, if able to work on the Farm, at the usual Farm Labourer’s wages, or if capable of taking care of a Hackney Stable,” |might be the subject of a great variety of verbs, but his case above is |that of an unconnected nominative. The Man might do something ; | what, we are not told; the statement of what he might do is omitted ; | but if capable of doing something else, also unmentioned, it appears that he might be so employed, If we suppose that the wife is wanted as the mistress of a school, and the man to work on the farm, or to take care of a hackney stable, @ question still remains to be decided. What is the connection between the school on the one hand, and the farm and stable on the other, rendering it desirable that the parties wanted in reference to them should be conjugally related to each other ? We should think it would pay country papers to employ somebody to edit their advertising columns. LONDON BELLS. Tuosz London Bells, those London Bells, How plain a tale that nuisance tells Of fees and beer, that buy the time Of those who raise that senseless chime. Those foolish times are pass’d away, When people liked the belfry’s bray, With Lord Mayor’s shows and Thames’s smells, We class those pestering London Bells. Were ringers’ swipes and swindle gone, That vulgar noise would not go on, The fact from every steeple knells, Vhat Pewter Pots are London Beils. THE BEAUTY OF SILENCE. Wnuy could not Red Republicanism, in his Jersey refuge, eat his | Jersey pear under the shadow of the hospitable tree, and hold his tongue? And even allowing that Rouce were desirous of exercising his throat with a few maledictions more or less upon the Emperor Lovis-Narotzox—who it must still be allowed, did not swim through rose-water to a throne—why should the varlet have the ill-manners, the ingratitude, and the cowardice to cast slanderous words at the Queen ? Why not, we ask, still munch his pear, and hold his tongue ? Could he not be as wise as a goose—the geese duly celebrated by PLutancu ? For it is chronicled of certain geese, desirous of flying over Mount Athos, that with a modest diffidence in their own constaney—a modesty very commendable in geese in general, and very worthy of imitation by men at large—they invariably, before they took flight, took each a stone in the mouth, that, as they flew, they a not gaggle, and so give warning to the eagles in the neighbourhood. Now if Red Republicanism will take towering heights, we earnestly recommend it, for its own safety, as it flies over Windsor Castle, to keep a stone in its mouth. NOTICE. | TF the Gentleman who (by mistake) took an umbrella from the stand | in the Old Fogy Club on Wednesday evening last will APPLY at the Porter's Lodge, Albany, he will find the gatekeeper has orders to give him the case, which is | now of no use to the owner. gee ne cet te

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OR {November 3, 1855. | ML Sg Ss \ 1 == : ~F S ss Y “ly das! 3 my eT. f NS AD RyVe “ ! eh. Nas ) + ae Hlead Nurse WITH THE SNUFF! | WOULD NOT APPROVE OF IT!” —It 18 NOT LADY-LIKE, AND I AM QUITE SURE . ' RS NEWSPAPER NOODLEISM., Tue London correspondents of the Liverpool papers seem to be lamentably hard up for matter, or they would certain!y abstain from the violations of good taste and common sense, which their communications occasionally exhibit. London correspondents are not usually remark- able for delicacy; but if one of them happens to be admitted to a private party of gentlemen, he must be fearfully “put to it,” indeed, for the means of supplying his weekly amount of copy, if he avails him- self of what he picks up over the dinner-table, and converts the little confidences of social life into newspaper material. Sometimes, when | the whole field of realities, private and personal, as well as public and political, has been exhausted, the London correspondent resorts to his imagination to make the food he lives upon. A curious example of this sort of thing has just been set by a correspondent of a Liverpool journal, | who has taken the forthcoming volumes of Macavutay’s His/ory of England as a theme for some rather rampant absurdities. He has first | made a guess at the number of copies ordered, and, having got hold of these, he goes through a series of ridiculous feats of arithmetic and measurement, of which he gives the results for the entertainment of the | enlightened people of Liverpool. He tellsthem that if the whole edition of | Macavtay’s England were to be piled up, one book on the top of the other, a height would be attained equal to that which Garnerr reached in his balloon, and that if the volumes were placed in a line, they would | extend from Hyde Park Corner to Hammersmith. Nobody—but the | London correspondent of the Liverpool paper—could have entertained the absurd idea that Messrs. LoyeMman would so trifle with an expensive work as to pile it up to the utmost possible height, or lay it | in a long narrow row in the public thoroughfares. _ The London correspondent might as well have continued his ridicu- | lous speculations by suggesting the quantity of butter each volume would enclose, if torn up for the use of a London butterman, or | | how many trunks the whole edition would furnish with lining. The same ingenious calculator might also apply his powers to other subjects, and give an elaborate table of the number of brandy-bal!s at — mM Hise 3 \ iT} \ yy Wier \\ RANEY ’ ' with much dignity). “Miss Mary! YOU SHALL NOT STIR YOUR TEA YOUR [Miss Mary howls awfully, and smashes tea-cup. TELLING TRUTHS, Which much better had never been told at all, Women are never satisfied. If a man is jealous, they cry yat against his tyranny ; if he is not jealous, they complain of his indifference. A man ceases to be “a good fellow,” the moment he refuses to do precisely what other people wish him to do. Tell a woman that she is a flirt, and she will laugh; that she is ugly, and she will get angry ; but just hint that she is growing old, and she will never forgive you. Self-Love is Love with two bandages over its‘eyes instead of one. A man marries generally to leave society—a woman to enter it. Those who live only for appearances generally end in making one in the Insolvent Court. Many aman talks with loud complacency about the charm of his fireside, and yet, let temptation give but the smallest tap at the door, and he evinces the most wonderful alacrity in leaving it. Satire is a dangerous acid, which none but the most skilful should presume to manipulate. Many a clumsy hand at it has been blown to pieces by the explosion of his own retort. =e 1) —— yy vy! ’ Os Rather Late in the Day. if Tue Lorp Mayor and the principal Members of the Corporation of London went on Wednesday last week in State to Windsor, to present the Queen with a congratu- latory address upon the fall of Sebastopol. Considering the length of time which has elapsed since the event took place, some surprise has been expressed that the Lonp Mayor and Aldermen did not accompany their address of congratulation on the capture of Sebastopol by me of condolence with Her Masesty on the lamented demise of her Royal predecessor, ANNE. HOYLE AT FAULT. Tarre is this fault in most games, that the King conquers the Knave; whereas at Court it is the Knave, if he plays his cards at all well, that generally beats the King. Papa four a penny the Lonp Cuancettor could purchase with his quarter’s salary, or the number of times that the CHANCELLOR or THE Excue- quer could visit the pit of the Victoria Theatre with the produce of the Income Tax. “MY LADY THE HOUSEMAID.” Many people are slaves to their servants, but we never recollect the position of mistress to have been so coolly claimed by a domestic as it is in the following advertisement, copied the other day from the Zimes of the 22nd :-— WANTED, BY A LADY A RE-ENGAGEMENT AS HOUSEMAID in a gentleman's family, in a house of business, or the entire management of & widowers house. She is fully capable of fulfilling all the various branches of a house- keeper's duties, with a thorough knowledge of cooking. The highest references given. Address . It has long been the practice of a certain class of housemaids to assume the dress and even the address of a lady, for who has not been disgusted by the arrival of letters at his residence, directed to Miss So-and-So, who is called by the knock of the postman from the making of the beds, or other household duties. We certainly admire the cool impudence with which the person in want of a housemaid’s place, adopts the position of “a Lady in want of a re-engagement.” We shall not be surprised at a stipulation on the part of one of these “ lady housemaids ” for the privilege of practising on the piano an hour in the day, with the allowance of an hour in the evening, to be devoted to drawing or other accomplishment. Dancing, of course, they manage to enjoy at the public-houses in the neighbourhood, and social intercourse is easily attainable on Sundays, when the praiseworthy desire to go to church affords an opportunity for a soirde at a beer-shop, or some other equally improving rendezvous. _A Casryet Question (i Berlin) —“I say, how many bottles did his Majesty drink last night ?” ~_—

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— -—— a - ———— irm est rity Iful ort. ing ive, the the 8 it mes LID ota Use- ven. 3 to een Liss ing “ool ace, pall ady the i to 2 to irse ) to her November 3, 1855.] AN OPINION BACKED BY SOMETHING LIKE AN AUTHORITY. “ The ‘ Times’ is quite right in saying they should send Men Oth and not Boys.” “HOW VERY LIKE SPOONBILL!” Ture is not amore foolish fallacy than that which avers that nature in her boundless variety has made no two objects precisely alike. The truth is, we are too apt to be too complimentary to nature. Nature is all very well in her way; but nature, being feminine, is too frequently flattered by our ignorance and simplicity. We very much doubt if, after all, nature is not sometimes a very much overrated female. We propose to make a short narrative in explosion of the fallacy aforesaid. We feel, too, that we shall have the sympathy, the consent of our reader going along with us. Mr. Sroonsit1 is a distinguished parishioner of Marylebone. He is n fact a model parishioner. He has upheld all the respectabilities of lifex—a moral Atlas. Propriety is his atmosphere. Lven as it is sai the white-coated ermine, when one spot of dirt has tainted its snowi- ness, stops, turns upon its back, and there and then dies—so we believe would SpocnBILL cease and determine, as the lawyers say, if brought into rude and sudden contact with the least possible indecorum. Ma. SpvonBiL is rather a peculiar-looking person: in fact, he has been called a very odd-looking man; a man not to be easily mistaken. When nature thought of the ens, the mind of Sroonsit1, she thought of an earthen vessel of harmonising character wherein to enshrine it. The mind of Socaates in the head of Socratgs was, we know, likened to the precious drug or spice of the apothecary in the pot or jar deco- | rated with the face of a faun or satyr. Well, it is very plain—as we shall prove—that nature, in the case of SroonBit, made two mugs so | alike each other that nature only, it is our belief, could tell the| SroonBILL mug from the other vessel belonging to the other party. Anybody, with less faith—faith, did we say ?—creed, religion—in the respectability of Sroonsitt might have been deceived into scandal of | that pure and very upright man. But no: we knew it could not be SroonBILL; it was morally impossible; and yet—again and again— we could not suppress the exclamation—and yet “ how very like SroonBIL ! ” ; SPoonBILL was distinguished for his affection for his country; his dogged love,—nay, his bull-dogged love for old England. He had never been to France; and never intended to go. Not he! Talk of the belle alliance, all such fine words wouldn’t change one frog into a nightingale. He would live and die, and never stir a foot out of the blessed, tight little island. yet, with this conviction of the sin- cerity of SpoonBILL, a few days ago in Paris, turning round the Rue de | hat was genuine Parisian | la Paix, we came plump upon a man—his certainly, and there was a ie or two’s tendency towards a moustache, but otherwise, coming plump upon that man—we had hardly breath enough left to say—“ Gracious! How very like Sroonsiti!” We went to the Exposition of the Beaux Arts: we could have been content to winter there. We were in the Belgian Court and—imme- liately opposite, with eyes nailed to a lorgnette, opposite that most PUNCH, Ck THE LONDON CHARIVARI. beautiful Zeda was our man of the day before—the man so very like SpoonBiLt! Now, Spoonsrit, as a shareholder of the Crystal Palace had—it was his pride to dilate upon it—churned up a very stormy meeting, and had lost his resolution only by twenty, a resolution that went to put the Venus de’ Medicis into a shawl, and Denay’s First Cradle—(who can forget that divine young mother with her dove-like babes ?)—into a dressing-gown. And here was that man—except with a sort of satyr-like leer—that man, before that eda, so very like SproonsBi. ! In the evening, we went—and why not ?—to the Bal Madille. Does not Mas. BeecuEr Stowe say of this place, and there is not a grisette of Paris who will not agree with her, that it is “a scene where earthli- ness is worked up into a style of sublimation the most exquisite con- ceivable?” We repeat it, then: we went to the Ba/ Madille, and there —he—he who in the morning was fixed by Leda, was whirling away in the whirlpool of a waltz. (There are not less than four w’s in that bit of fine description.) ‘There he was, the moustache still looking up, spinning round and round, that man so very like Sroonsm.! Now 183 | Sproonsii hated, loathed all public dancing.—Had he not, on his side- ' board, a salver, a testimonial subscribed to him by his neighbours for | his successful opposition to a licence for music and dancing for the Cat-in-Walnut-Shells ? Nevertheless—though we thought of the salver, we could not help saying—* How very like Spoonniut !” Another night, and we paused and thought we would take a seat and | take an ice outside the Café Vachette. e turned round and—there | was the man so very like Sroonnitt! So like, and yet so different | The man was stirring hot brandy-and-water, and smoking a vile rank cigar. Now Mr. Sroonsriy is a rigid teetotaller, and has been seen more than once to weep copious water-drops at the discourses of Mr. Govucu the water moralist. Nevertheless, as the man stirred and smoked—and that, too, on the public Boulevards, with all the varnished vice of Paris, all the hollowness of the brass, all the tinkling of the |} cymbals, passing and sounding before and round about him—neverthe- less, we felt a sort of vague terror, as;we cried in our inmost soul— “ How very like Sroonsii! ” magnificent. Great was the well-bred admiration of the French. At the climax, however, I heard an Englishman roar out—and the French laughed—“ Bravo! Capital! dncore/” It was that man again! Now the good, gentle, pious Spoon ni. himself had petitioned in favour of the Beer Bill, and had resolved to support Lonp Esrineton again and again for Marylebone, if only for his lordship’s support of that Bill. Sroowsriy was the darkest of British Sabbatarians; and yet here was @ man on a French Sunday in a French show-palace, roaring and applauding ; and that man—so very like Sroonsit! Ve returned to London with an uneasy sense of mystery. We could not help it: we inquired about Sroonnity. Surely he had never left | London? Left London! Impossible. Mas. Sroonspitt had been to Cornwall to see a well-to-do aunt, and how, under such circumstances, could SroonBit leave the house? Both could not be from home at the | same time. | Unfortunately, however, Sroonsrit had had a fit of the gout, tnat | had kept him in his bed; but he would not have Mrs. Sroonnis, know | it—no—for that would only shorten the dear soul’s holiday with her aunt. The next day was Sunday. We went to Versailles. The fountains | were to play. Thegrandes cauz/ The crowd was great ; the fountains | And yet with a startling fact or facts like these staring us in the | face, it 1s to be expected of us that we are to continue to subscribe to the fallacy that nature, in her boundless variety, makes no two things alike. Lf such were the case, how could that dissolute—for we wil! cal! with the punctilious, temperate, pious man in London? How could such a roysterer be so very like the respectable Spoon Bit ? A JOKE IN SPITE OF HIS TEETH. Some people may imagine that the expression, “ mad with the tooth- ache,” is a mere phrase, but the following joke made by an individual when suffering under acute pain in one of his molars, affords proof of | the existence of what may be called dental insanity. While rolling | in agony from one side of his bed to the other, this unreasonable being asked himself in the middle of the night, “ What property is a man likely to come into, if all his lower teeth should become affected ?” The reply was as mad as the question, “ About a dozen achers in Rotten-Kow.” Surely this man’s friends must either take out bis tecth, or take out a commission of Junacy. Cause and Effect. Tue American publishers lately held a festival in New York. Bryant the poet was among the speakers. He said—* When | bear ‘of a rich bookseller, | know there have been successful authors.” Just so. Whenever Punch hears of a fat American fox, he knows there have been English geese with “ plenty of meat upon ’em.” him dissolute—man in Paris be, we might almost say one and the same | scare tint ee ee here me tee oes

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184 WHO KILLED COCK ROBIN ? “Sir. —I am no enemy to the Peerage, but rather a well-wisher. I wish every Duke was as valiant courteous as the Duxe or Somerset. I am glad there is only one Lonp Crannicanpe. [ for- give Loap Caxncisze his diary, and am really glad to know what a first- | class man of the old school can do with his pen, — when he is well-conditioned. I do not mean to eall the Balaklava charge the greatest piece of tomfoolery that military annals record, nor do I altogether adopt the French estimate of the two chief culprits who were implicated in it, They say, ‘if such a thing had happened in our service, one of those aan would have been cashiered, and the other shot.’ [ cannot go that length: the atmost [ can allow is that one, and certainly no matter which, might well have been cashiered, but I cannot | for a moment believe that ei was born to be shot. Thus much in palliation ;—on the other hand, | admit frankly that; the campaign, with so many noble lords going out at the beginning of t poor old Loap | sach a flourish of trumpets, and almost to a man, Ka@iax, that gallant gentleman, sneaking home again on one plea or| another before winter set in, thus enjoying the advantages and reaping the honours of war themselves, but leaving its hardships and privations to be endured by ‘common fellows,’ bears a very awkward look about! it indeed, and forcibly suggests the trite remark of ‘the least said the soonest mended,’ ' “Having thus cleared the way, and proved myself, I hope, an impartial witness, neither a lord-lover nor a lord-hater, I approach with more self-possession the great question which heads this article, ‘Who killed Coek Robin?’ which every right-minded Englishman will instantly uaderstand to mean, what is become of Lonp J. Russeii? | And, Sir, I ask boldly, what is become of him? Has he been quietly put out of the way? Has he been made safe ? When and where was he last seen? Was there any pecalarity in his look or manner, anything unusual in bis appearance? Was he well drest? Did he smile or say wnything clever ? ie chert, was there anything about him unlike him- self? Europe must know these things ; it won’t wait for a committee, as Sebastopol did. But if this man has been really filched from us, and nothing is left of him bat a blest shade, what must be the feelings | of the wretehed press that killed him? What! to be assailed with obloquy tall his little heart broke, because he failed at Vienna! Why was he sent there? Can a man be made a first-rate diplomatist at balf an hour’s notice? it took more than half a century to make the great | Loxp W estmMoneLanD what he is ;—the fact ist is mission to Vienna} | was a delusion and @ snare, and success impossible, They say, that his | first landing in France was a perfect treat, although to an Englishman rather a humiliating one. We have all seen the same thing happen a hundred times,—a grand Johnony,—no matter whether a Jounyy Kossen. or a Jonnny Raw, a milordo in short—arrives, and steps on | | to the quay: he is twigged in a moment,—his air, his look, his gait, his suite, his importance, his ignorance of Freneh, betray him in an instant. | | Mock civility, half-suppressed smiles, boys with their tongues in their eks nudging each other, saucy girls staring and laughmg outright, pursue him at every step. Everybody knows and feels that a great goose is just landed, to be plucked by the first comer, and it is difficult indeed to reeoguise in him the clever Ambassador who is to outwit all the practised diplomatists of the Continent, where the medium of communi- cation is French. Itis said of poor Lory Jonny, that, being aware of his deficiency in that language, he never ventured upon it but once which was, | believe, in Paris, where, on leaving the room, he desire the waiter not to let the fire go out, saying, ‘ Garcon, ne laissez pas sortir le fou “Thence this ill-used man is packed off to Vienna, to be cast headlong into a circle of professional mystifiers, astute schemers, heroes, whiskered and decorated, self-important and self-possessed, conversant with all the arts of which he knows nothing, the manners, customs, plots,—in_a word, dodges and languages of that phase of Continental life. | ledge of Hansard, quotations of parliamentary precedents, an intimate acquaintance with the Speaker or the Serzgant-at-Anrws. Of what | Value is the cock of St. Stephens, in such an assembly as that? Many of us have seen, no doubt, in our lives, a strange little dog introduced all of a sudden into a kennel of fox-hounds; it is a pitiable sight; the pest little anima! is naturally frightened to death, and does not know 10w to humble itself, and to submit and to cringe enough; it twists itself into shapes, bends and wriggles about, and fides away its little | tail; presently it rolls on its side, then on its baek, holding up its poor | little paws, begging pardon, and ready to die; they meanwhile stalk flercely round with bristles erect and half-suppressed growls at their smail and abject foe. “Such was our luckless Ambassador at Vienna. Fancy him in the | council-chamber, attacked at once by all the grandees of many empires. First, there advances against him the fierce Prussian Count ALLPur? | von BIeRUNBACKIE, then comes up the portly Austrian Baron W orrasasuy, followed by the celebrated Russian Prince Twitcui- OWN WHISKEROFF. “ \t is needless to pursue this mournful subject’any farther. At such PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. What boots it to oppose to them an accurate know- | [Novemper 3, 1855. ' a moment as that, our clever Envoy—who was to overreach all these statesmen, and conclude for his country am advantageous and honour. able peace, and security for Europe—probably did not recollect whether Vienna itself was in Austria or m China, and was most likely puzzled between trying to decline avoir and calculating how soon he would be in bed. “ In conclusion, Sir, let me sum up this stanming question with true parliamentary precisiea, thus:—Our great statesman is at the present moment either alive or dead. If alive, where is he? if dead, who killed him? An indi t country pauses for the reply, and convul. sively repeats, Cock Hobin, in aecordance with your obedient servant, “Cock Wren.” KING CLICQUOT’S HORSE. HERE shall be no blame to Punch, if the Krye or Paves. s1a’s horse be not duly chronicled, in order that some future historian of our times may give it its rightful place. Bucephalus has a — — and why not Kine Freperick Wit. LiaAM’s one-legged charger? We say one-legged, as it ap- pears that the other three are merely auxiliary to the po- tent one. The horse that carries Prus sia’s king is, in fact, uno-ped. The Times’ Prussian court chronicler thus Speaks of the horse and his rider “ The King ean only ride his own horse, trained and schooled to canter always with the same leg, and to keep that pace, and that leg even when turning round corners, &e The animal is left to its own conception of what is becoming in Royal equestrian | etiquette, for the King sets in motion neither thigh nor heel nor whip to convey to it | any expression of his own wishes in this respect.” Style is the mam, says Borrow. Sare we are that the natural philo- sopher might have added—the horse is the man: for how admirably | does the Knva’s horse develop the Kue’s policy! He can only go his own Way upon one leg, and with one leg turn round all politieal corners. | How different was We.tirseton’s horse Copenhagen! For is it not upon record, after Waterloo, when the fight was done, that that im- } mortal chesnut as his master descended from him, gave a whinny }@ caper, and a caricole, as much as to say—“ get up again once more, f you like; I can go through as much again.” But where should | we have been if Copenhagen had had the merit of only one leg ? There can be no doubt that Knve Wittiam’s horse, like the horses of Riyaxpo and all the other knights of fable, bas some deep intelli- gence with his mystic master. Sufficiently animated by the mind of the Kine the animal acts whelly as befits his Majesty, Puiir pve Comuves relates how his horse, after a certain battle, plunged his head into a pail-full of red wine, and drank it up. And we know, on the eredit of Ropert Baownine, how the good horse Roland won and enjoyed his draught :— “ And no voice but was praising thia Roland of mine, As | pour d down his throat our last measure of wine, Which the burgesses voted by common consent) Was no more than bis due whe Drought good news from Ghent.” The Krxe or Parussta’s horse is similarly addicted to wme, When turned out to grass, he is always caught, not im the ordinary way wit! a sieve of oats, but with successive poppings corks. In fact, although the horse has only one to canter, or rather decanter upon,—it is hitherto uvknown what amount of champagne he can earry, especially when Krve Frepericx Wr111aM is upon bis back. A Parliamentary Pudding. Tre Press irreverently calls Ma. Henny Davwwoxn “the Jack- Pudding of Parliament.” Ma. DavwMonp may still have some pudding left in him, but what, oh, what, have become of all the plums?” Poetry or THe Ramway Market.—The quotations made on the Railway Market duriuog the past week have principally consisted 0! \ famuhar lunes.

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and A ING W IL. ggzea say t ap- ther erely @ po- 10rse Prus- V hen November 10, 1855.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 185 + FM) —— Molt Vt vi 1 ae MOST DISTRESSING. A TOUCHING SCENE AT THE OLD BAILEY. Ly the case of the fraudulent Bankers, Pau, Straway, 4ND Bares, we should be rejoiced to say that the Prosecutor and the Judge had “done their duty like men,” if unfortu- nately they had not laid themselves open to the charge of | having done their duty like women. Baron ALDERson was “deeply affected” while passing sentence, and Da. Gerrritn, the prosecutor, “shed tears” on the occasion. We really cannot see the necessity for all this sentimental snivelling over one of the clearest matters of duty that any persons could have to perform ; and we say, without hesi- tation, that there is a great deal more to cry about, more matter for sympathy and commiseration in nine cases out of ten, at the Old Bailey, than in the case of these dishonest Bankers. We seldom or never hear of either prosecutors or judges | erying over the trial and sentencing of the friendless and | uneducated criminal, nor cau we excuse the weakness that | weeps over the richly-merited punishment of three of the | most offensive culprits that ever added to the enormity of crime by the basest hypocrisy. Delinquency is always a {it | subject for pity, but we scarcely remember a case in which the guilty deserved less commiseration than did Messrs. | Sraasan, Paun, ayp Bares, who were beset by none of the temptations of want, and had none of the excuses | usually claimed for ignorance. The punishment of such | persons is a subject of general congratulation to all who are interested in the purity and impartiality of justice ; and so far from there being any legitimate cause for the shed- | ding of tears on the Bench, we are satisfied that the Crier of the Court might bave been very properly left to du all the | crying that was suitable to the occasion, Diplomatic. Tue Emrrnor Sovrovgue has just instituted a new Order, the Order of Uncle Tom, His negro ambassador, black as the night, Baron Damren, has arrived at St. James’s, and the American Ambassador has not yet given notice to quit. It is said that the Kart or WestTMoRELAND | happily saligsed from his duties at Vienna, will represent Poor Sruszs!—Jvst aS ME MEETS THOSE Nick Grats wz ADMIRED sO at M’s | England at the Court of Haiti. He may be hourly expected | PARTY, AN ENOBMOUS BLACK SETTLES ON HIS NOSE. HE LOSES ALL PRESENCE OF MIND. | in London em rou(e ; for his, fiddie-case arrived yesterday. CHASTISEMENT FOR CROWNED CRIMINALS. | £) HE Eat or ELtesmens, in a lecture on the War, delivered the other night at Worsley, near - chester, estimated the total Russian loss, since the commencement of hos- tilities, at not less than 300,000 men at the least. Suppose we divide these victims between the late and the present Motocu between NicwoLas and ALEXANDER, ‘his com- putation gives 150,000 vie- tims a-piece to each of the Mo.ocuas. Now that symbol of Russian dominion and instrument of Russian rule, the knout, is, as adminis- tered by Czans, an inven- tion of the same kind and quality as the wheel, the stake, and the impaling iron. Nothing so diabolical exists anywhere out of Russia in the resent world, except in the Southern States of civilised America. et for a murder, for one human life deliberately sacrificed to pride and ambition, it would hardly be too severe a sentence to award | one cut of the knout. Three or four strokes delivered by a practised | hand—by that of an accomplished | to supersede the final operation of Jack Ketcu. LKven of such| Muscovite artist—are sufficient stripes one would scarcely be one too many for the wilful, determined, | ernel author of a single murder. Few people will consider that one | stripe of that sort per murder would be an excessive measure of | punishment. After a torture of as many as three hundred lashes, inflicted at the ordinary rate, recovery sometimes happens. One of these lashes would probably be borne with some fortitude by an average rascal, and even be preferred by him to a common whipping. Now, suppose there were European sessions or assizes, with European judges to preside at them, and European juries to sit, and try, convict, and sentence Huropean criminals ; suppose Nicnonas to have been arraigned before such a tribunal, and to have been condemned to one knout-stroke of customary smartness on account of each of the 150,000 murders for which he ought to have suffered. ‘Ihe death of the culprit under the knout does not arrest the hand of the executioner; the sentence is carried out on | the corpse. Into howfmany shreds would the anointed body of Nicuoras have been flogged ? Had such an example been made of Nicwowas, would the successor to his seven-league-boots of ambition have dared to walk in them, and be, at this moment, meritorious of the whipping which, if every- body had their deserts, his father, at any rate, would certainly not have escaped ? ; Of course, we are aware what stuff and nonsense it is to say that aggressive war for territorial aggrandisement is equivalent to murder, with a view to robbery; because we know that there is all the difference between them that exists between a wholesale and a retail transaction. Moreover, the former is sanctified by religious invoca- tions, and attended with a tremendous deal of pomp and circumstance ; whilst the latter is committed either with oaths and curses, or in silence and inthe dark. Stiil, there will be no end of war, and con- sequent taxation, in this world, till it becomes fashionable to hoot and hiss national aggressors, however extensive, as assassins and thieves ; to raise a hne and cry after them living; and to name them with execration when dead. What is the use, Jowzs, of such execration, hooting, and hissing, considered as the solo of you, Jones? Hiss, hoot, and execrate away, friend Jowegs, with all your might, heedless of wet blankets—your so/o in good time will become a chorus. \ JANTED A MUZZLE for an Irish Wolf-hound, suspected from some | hideous noises that have lately eseaped the animal, to be in the first stage of hydrophobia.—Appiy to Dn. Camixt. VOL. XXIX. U

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]26 | U} THE BLACK MARSEILLAISE. UL tis At the urgent solicitation of the citizens of New York, Mavemot- seLte Racuec consented to sing the Marseillaise at the Metropolitan Theatre. Her delivery of the spirit-stirring composition elicited, on | every occasion the tumultuous applaase of an overflowing audience. But, we understand, this was cothing to the frantic enthusiasm into which she lashed her republican ~ A by Fon pony byte sing another version of it—the hymn of Libert into t dialect~in character. With her face ae Se blacked, she =. pectedly rushed upon the stage, brandishing the tricolor, and shriek out, amid a storm of impassioned thunder, the following verses :-— Jim ’long black chillern ob de nation, De day ob glory we beho De flag agin our ’mancipation De stags and stripes um bab unroll’d. Hark don’t you hear de sogers drummin’ ? Dem wicked debbles, how dey swear ! Our babies from our breasts to tear, De ombeoe bloodhounds is a comin’. o arms, my niggar Formee de battle band: March on, march on, wid deir vile gore, Dat you may drench de land! What want dem fellahs, dem dare oders, Agin dese niggars in vain ? | To rivet upon men and broders a " De —_ 4 be — 3 ole chain ? iggars, ah, how dis w as! Our fury how him ought — *Tis us to threaten dat dey dare, In our ole slabery to spines so To arms, &c. O sacred lub ob blessed freedom, niggars arm sustain O Liberty, direct um, lead um, Fight by thy champion niggar’s side ! Range us beneath dis flag victorious, To fight and conquer on de field, Until de Tyrant forced to yield, And oon de nigger triumph glurious, To arms, 'f, OR THE LONDON CtHiA! _| very ill-used and most neglected gentlewoman. Why should she not IVARI. | [Norman 1 10, 1866. Let niggars ebhermore make freedom, And human broderhood, deir aims : De jamps within um, let um feed um For ebherlastin’, wid dem flames. Im possible bim am no word in De ni gzar’ s book—s’ pose we unite— Our enemies de dust will bite; Den niggars sing no more de bu To arms, &c. It is unnecessary to add, that the House rose at Racwe before the end of the song. A DRAMATIC WORD FOR MRS. BROWNRIGG. W wat are our dramatists about ? We have magnificent revivals, but wherefore have we not fine ? We know that stage genius wil! create a soul under the ribs of a state chair, and breathe a grand spirit of imspiration throughout the universality of upholstery: we know that so many gilt nails studding a footstool will with more than the brilliancy of mere poetic metaphor: we know further that there is a learned and witha! a very reverent appreciation i. these things that cannot, and indeed ought not to be otherwise, than sustaining and sweetly rewardful of the enterprising — that exhausts all old forms of furniture, and then imagines new. These things are called solem- nities. The drama may be dead; but then, is not its very funeral a solentnity? The tragic mute who stands at the door of defunct Mzx- POMENE,—is not that mute a solemnity? Unq However, to leave this part of the question, the velvet and rosewood auxiliaries of the revived drama, let us give a minute to (the{consideration of the | ori drama, as its elements lie around us. ewgate is shamefully neglected. That is a quarry that remains in- exhaustible. The statue of Memon became voeal to the kindling touch of APoxo ; there is not a stone of Newgate that, under the in- | spi iecteticn of the poetic lyre, would not give utterance to a | powe drama; a drama as neatly, as strongly, and withal as cohe- ‘rently phere S as Jack Saerrarn’s chains, to be still shown to the curious in Newgate lobny. It has long been our fixed opinion, that Mas. Browwrice has been a make at once the brain and the heart of a four-act drama? Very beautiful effects of chiar’oscuro might be produced in the coal-hole; whilst Mas. B. might whip the apprentices out of life to a death-chaunt (that would alike vindicate the versatility of the strong-minded actress, and vary ‘the deep emotional effect upon the spell-bound hearers, | There is great moral teaching latent in the story of Mas. Browwnice : whilst all her domestic history is full of a grand, grim power of intellect that is especially available to the strong-mmded actress ; to that rapid, instant, vehement energy that tells like a crowbar on the fo standing of a most thinking audience. With, we hope, a full sense of the peculiar merits, the pathetic household interest, of The Beginning and the Bnd, inflicted at the Haymarket,—we nevertheless incline to believe that the story of Mas. Baownrice contains still stronger elements of the dramatic in all combinations of forgery, suicide, marder. We understood from a distinguished translator that Mr. Cat- crart, of the Old Bailey, was in the , aud marked his strong sense of the moral fitness of the drama with the most powerfal lan- He airily observed that The Beginning and the End was very ike a halter, bearing nothing but a dead weight. fn conclusion, we must again recommend Mas. Browwniae to the dramatic genius of the country. The homeliness of the subject in no way precludes the adjunct of the picturesque. What, for instance— supported and buttressed by antiquarian authorities—could be finer than 4 Moving Panorama from the Old Bailey to Tyburn, with a Vision of Mercy to the inexorable George the Third at St. James’s Palace? | In addition to this, Mas. Baownnice’s victim apprentices, in white satin, might ascend on a milk-white cloud raised from this world to the next by invisible wires. In conclusion, we hopefully ask, will - honoured, the venerable bard of Nitocris try his master hand u the neglected Mas. Brownaice? If not he, will the original Englis writer of the German /agomar essay the task? After The Bogisning and the End, we are surely taught to be satisfied with something very middling. The Beginning and the End, it seems, is taken bodily from Horace Smita’s tan-pit novel Jane Lomar! It was announced, of course, as “original:” but this no doubt was done on philosophic principles. “The mixture of a lie doth ever please,” says Bacon. Hyde Park Parliament. | We hear that the Government is about to take decisive and measures to stop the Sabbath gatherimgs in Hyde Park. If they are attempted to be continued, the Government—it is said—have come to the determination to throw open on Sundays the British Museum, the National Gallery, and the Crystal Palace. This resolution is the best | evidence of a reaily strong Cabinet.

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S RO ete Se: — 7 Ww eaeoafR

. Novemser 10, 185 Or ] HE SMASHED VIOLIN. “Loagp Weermoretayp is sncceeded at Vienna by Sim Hamivrow Seymour, late our ambaseador at St. Petersburg.” — Times. Arn—* There wee a little Man, and his name was Uncle Ned.” TuEre was a noble-man, and his lordly name was read As Burghersh in years long ago, He hadn’t much brains in the top of his head, But his fiddle would have pleased Ducrow. Hang up his fiddle and his bow, He never was a match, you know, For Buo who’s alive, for Tat- LEYRAND who’s dead, Far less for the great Pozzo—o—o, Far less for the great Pozzo. For of Old Jou» Bout far less he thought Than he thought of Ore Butt, And a cordon bleu went with him for nought, Compared to the strings he ’d pull. Hang up his fiddle and his bow. He a match for the Germans ?— ta No! a \ Send Sermovr out, who will not ; be as = > caught, I Ay Ls For he’|i see-mwore than they show, % show, show, a/ For he'll see-more than they / arr e show.

THE KING OF PRUSSIA’S TOASTS AND SENTIMENTS. Some foolish enthusiasts are publishing the works of the Krxe or Prussia. The first part consists of his Speeches and Toasts. Of the latter we are happy to be able to present our readers with a few choice specimens :— Here is the man, far greater in his way than Harvey, who first dis- covered the circulation of the Bottle ! The Soul of Drinking! May such a Soul never know the pang of a single heeltap ! May we ne’er want a friend in the Emperor or Russia, nor a bottle of Porte to give him ! Here’s to Minerva, the Goddess of Wisdom, that issued out of Jove’s head—the result of a splitting head ! There is nothing for opening a man’s heart like the Key of the Cellar. May the Glass thet we mirror our souls in overnight, bear without a blush the morning’s reflection ! The Four P’ints! may they soon be changed into Four Quarts. Turkey! May Russia soon put it into the Pipe-of-Peace, aud smoke it. Here ’s to that precious old fool, Tempus—who filis his glass with sand instead of Clicquot Champagne ! A PRESENT FOR VICTOR HUGO. Tue rash, intemperate’ men, who identified themselves with the cowardly scandals of M. Fexrx Prat—the patriotic poodle who insulted the Qugex—have been removed from Jersey. Victor Hveo has, however, budged no further from the coast of Brittany than Guernsey ; resolved it is said, there to remain and to beard the English minister until be shall obtain from Parliament a more stringent Alien Act. We respect Vicror Hueo for his genius and for the sincerity of his opinions’; but he has fallen into questionable company, and rouge is apt to come off. We hear that several of his English admirers have resolved to present hrm with a testimonial in token of their sympathy. The gift is to be a statue of Liberty. Nothing could be more appro- priate than a statue under the circumstances ; fora statue teaches what may be the wisest of all human lessons,—namely, silence.

Neapolitan Magnanimity. A SUBSCRIPTION, to raise a monument to Me.iont, a celebrated man of science, has just been prohibited in Naples. Of course. The Lion preys not on the dead: it is only the Hysena that outrages the grave. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 187 SIR PETER LAURIE’S MISSION. “< Next to a “man with a grievance,” a “man with a mission” is one of the most serious nuisences that afflict society. A man with a grievance has the best possible intentions towards bimeelf and a man with a mission may have the best intentions towards his fellow creatures, but the latter individual may hecome almost as great a bore as the former. The mission of Sin Perer Lavnie is to put down swindling, to tear the mask from the face of commercial fa!se pretence, and to administer such rubs as will effectually rub the gilt off all com- mercial gingerbread. The voeation is not an unworthy one, but it sometimes leads to irregularities and absurdities, when the judicial Bench is converted into a place for making all sorts of inquiries, which, as far as the administration of justice is concerned, may be classed under the head of impertinent euriosity, An instance of this sort of thing occurred the other day at Guildhall, where Str Peter having a before him charged with forgery, expresses an opinion that the accused “is a respectable man,” but remands him because, im Sim Peren’s own words, “I should like to know sometbing about you and Convm.” Now Cotvitt is the pro- secutor, and a person should be remanded in order to gratify the Magnstrate’s curiosity as to person who makes a charge, is somewhat myeterious. Phe on!y light thrown upon the matter is to be found in the exc!amation of Srx Peten ; “I will remand you ti!) Saturday, and will then attemd here myself, for I should liketo parsue this inquiry.” Sir Perer has evidently an inquiring mind, but it would be better to keep bis general researches into private character distinct from his investigation of a public charge, unless the former have any real bearine on the latter. If one man accuses another, it is rather irregular to remand the latter for the purpese of learning “something about.” tle former, unless that “something” has reference to the matter imme- diately under investigation. se fact, however, is that Sin Perer feeling it to be his “ mission” to expose fraud, is not very particular as to the regularity of the means of doing so. is apt to forget that he is placed on the Bench to perform the duties of a magistrate, and not to act the part of a detective. In the case to which we are referring, he exclaimed, “It is astonishing the credulity of tradesmen. I have been sitting here for thirty years, and I can’t put them on the'r quard.” -, This remark proves beyond doubt the impression of Sin Peter Lavnie, that the City Justice Room is intended as much for the exposure of fraud as for the punishment of criminals. Some people may be of the same opinion as the worthy Alderman on the subject, but for our own arts we think that any irregularity in the administration of Justice is ut poorly requited by any amount of exposure that may be accom- plished under the pretext of conducting a judicial inquiry. For ex- posures of the kind, the press is afar more legitimate and more effective remedy than the Police Court. EARLY CLOSING.—THE LADIES’ LEAGUE, We learn that Committees of Ladies are about to be formed to carry out the principle of Karly Closing; the ladies pledging themselves, and if necessary, all that. is dear to them, to abstain from all evening shopping. We are delighted to hear this, as we are convinced that the news will be most welcome to thousands of affectionate husbands driven ont to their clubs by the evening absence of the best and brightest ornament of the fireside—the wife. With evening shopping rigorously suppressed, the fond husband will be enabled to take the partner of his bosom to the opera, the theatre, the concert; places which, if he visits at all, he is now too frequently compelied to visit alone. The movement on the part of the ladies, if successful, will be a great boon to husbands. It is, besides, a promising beginning. Who knows? In time, if properly provoked, women may give up shopping altogether. STARTLING ANNOUNCEMENT. A PARAGRAPH in a recent number of our fashionable contemporary has the following remarkable heading :— “Sate or Rovat Beaers ty Worvson Guat Pan.” There being no Royal Beasts in existence except Lions, and Kixe Bomsa, and perhaps another monarch, who is said occasionally to make a beast of himself, the above announcement is calculated to excite terror and alarm in the minds of Hex Masesty’s subjects. It suggests the idea that there are live lions roamiog about in Windsor Park; a frightful thing for Cockney excursionis!s, and, indeed, anybody also roaming there, to think of. However, it might also convey the notion that Henry tus Eientu, and certain other of his predecessors and successors had been exhumed and disposed of—say, to the College of Surgeons; which would have constituted a sale of Royal Beasts, at least of their carcases: but all — la will be allayed when the fact is known, that the Royal Beasts alluded to, were only seventy- three “ superior horned Scotch oxen.”

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i for adults on the very earliest opportunity. THE LONDON CHARIVARE. [Novewser 10, 13 RATHER A DROP. City Gent (who fancies himself a Judge of a Horse, and no end of a Swell), “Taat’s a sice uttie Trr, Cansy, AND BROUGHT US ALONG WELL!” Cabby. “ Yesstx! He 1g a wice uittie ’Os, wz 1s—sut Lor ron My work! Now uzg’p gest surr sucw a Gent as you—tT0 DAY, AND TAKE THE Mussus our For THE DAY oO’ Suxpays!” BLess yer! His ’art’s TOO BIG FOR HIs BODY. HeE’s Too Goop DRIVE A Light Tea-cart apout TowN FOR ORDERS ON A WEEK- THE WANTS OF A GENTLEMAN, Tre author of the following advertisement has his wants, or rather, his deficiencies, though he seems to be sadly mistaken as to what he is really in need of; for instead of advertising for a Wife, he had mach better apply for a Governess. His domestic condition may be bad enough, but his grammar is still worse; and he must be enjoying a double felicity, for in addition to his single blesseduess, he must expe- rience the bliss that is said to be united with ignorance. \[ATRIMONY.—A GENTLEMAN by birth, in appearance, manners, | ‘ and address, age 36, but of most lonely condition, not having seareely a friend, with a view to marry, he would be happy, in secresy and honour, to treat with any amiable singte or widow lady, of independent position, not more than forty-five, fond | { travelling; her means, with a part of mine, can be settled om herself. Any letter will be attended to In a few days, should I be favoured with any. Address, Barvitie, lost Office, opposite Kingsland Gate, London. We'can scarcely wonder at the lonely condition of this “ gentleman by’ berth, in appearance, manners, dress,” for if he'looks like a centleman, he will naturally repel the advances of the ignorant; while on the other hand, the detection of his ignorance will exclude him from the society of gentlemen. The lady he reqvires must indeed be “ very fond of travelling,” if she can sympathise with an individual who travels from the third person to the first with the recklessness and rapidity shown by this “ most lonely” man, who, whatever may be his ante- cedents, inflicts the most barbarous treatment on his relatives. Possibly , ne contemplates suicide, for we cannot otherwise explain the passage “any letter will be attended to in a few days, should I be favoured with any.” If this does not mean that he will answer a letter in a few days, should any days remain to him, it means nothing. We recommend the wretched Barvittes, of Kingsland Gate, to join an evening school DESTRUCTION OF WORKS OF ART. A Paracrara with the above title has been going the round of the | papers, for the purpose of puffing the property of a parcel of tradesmen who are anxious to get a price for a quantity of old prints, on the strength of their bemg the last of the stock, jast as the orange-women | im the streets tempt a purchaser by the offer of “the last penn’orth in | the basket.” The whole affair is a piece of Vandalism, without any excuse in these days; for though we are certainly a nation of shop- keepers, there are few of us who would think(that the destruction of | any Work of Art or genius is to the gains of a few caghaeyer. Perhaps, however, there is no real ifice in the matter after all, for the plates, about the destruction of which so much fuss has been made, are understood to have been pretty well worn out, and consequently, of no further use to the Proprietors. This is a far more semsible view to take of the matter than to pretend that the articles were stall of amy material worth, and indeed who would believe that the parties concerned would have made any sacrifice at all, | if another penny was to be turned in a commercial enterprise? The be excused for the sake of adding to | principle on which it was pretended that the Engravings have been | destroyed is too ridiculous to be entertained for a single moment, and indeed, it would be equally absurd to knock Lonp Mayor Moon on the head at the close of his Cockney-regal career, to prevent the possi- bility of there being another like him. Shakspearian Lectures. Mr. Goven, who has been shamefully mulcted of his quota of income tax, is about to give a lecture at Exeter Hall to re-imburse himself: the lecture will be on the following passage from Suaxsrzane—“ Now there be land rats, and water rats.”

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TK SY see . PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novemser 10, 1855. 1SON Yor HARMONY i Mw ne EET EVERY Wane Vs ‘GAET AEE ~~ _ \ h hhh 1 hbhle 7 / Sf Middl yy Z ‘ { | ——— ae ——— iy ‘| THE BILLETTING SYSTEM. Unjust to the Publican and Corrupting to the Soldier. WS ma ”

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Novemser 10, 1855.] ! THE RHAPSODIES OF THE ROSTRUM. HERE has been a struggle among | afew advertising auctioneers for | the mantle of the late Georce Rosiwns, which not Laving fallen on any particular pair of shoulders, seems likely to be torn to tatters | in the tugging and pulling that it has experienced from the rather inferior hands that have had a snatch at it. Once we thought a certain Ma. Atragp Cox had got the garment about him in an awkward way, but he had not strutted about very far, when we find it torn from him and employed as a wrapper by one Ma. Ham- mond. This latter gentleman has evidently found neither a grammar nor a spelling-book in the pockets of the mantle, or, if he has, he declines to make use of them; and, indeed, he has got the article so strangely twisted about him, that it trips him up every now and then, as, will be seen from the following advertisement :— TUMP HOUSE, MONMOUTH, beautifully situated on an eminence declivitating precipitateously to the banks of the river Monnow, picturesquely stadded with foliaged underwood ; lies adjacent to the town about two miles, and is approached from the rustic village of Rockfield by a private bridge across the stream- let seene, entering by a lodge of characteristic design, along a park-like drive to the substantially erected domain, built with every carefulness to preserve the neatness of ite more imposing architectural style, altogether surrounded by those more delightful instances of our richer tastes, with a varied and undulating landscape, embracing a mountainous and valley view, of a truly rural cast. To those lovers of nature and of sport in its many f rms, here is off-red to them the full indulgence of their plea-urable desires in an available manner, delightfully changed by the well-selected assortment of 30 vast a fond of cheerful recourse. A right would be granted to shoot over 1200 acres of farm lands adjoining, with liberty to the preserves of the abundantly stocked rivulets and streams. In the season, a of most favoured fox hounds meet regu- larly in the adjoiaing covers. The res in every way, is in neat and decorative repair, is in readiness for the immediate reception of a family of distinction, together with about 27 acres of parklike grounds, consisting of meadow and orchard land, well stocked with valuabie fruits, with an extremely productive kitchen garden, and an or | and tastefully laid out lawn. Coach house, and stabling for six horses and farm buildings. To be let for a term of years. Rent £140. | To the inquiring mind the above picturesque piece of writing will suggest a variety of questions, to which no one less audacious than Echo would attempt to give an answer. We will, however, set forth the queries, for the amusement of those who, in the approaching season of Nuts to Crack and other popular puzzles, may wish to exercise their ingenuity. In the first place; ts it the “ rustic village,” or the “ private bridge,” or the “streamlet scene” that “enters by a of charac- teristic design?” and, secondly, though it is often said that one street runs out of another, How is the mystery of a “rustic village,” or a pri- vate bridge,” or a “streamlet scene,” “entering by a lodge,” to be accounted for ? : Passing over the more poetical portion of the announcement, we would inquire, as a matter of business, and in the most prosaic manner, What can be the use of the right of “sport im its many forms,” if there is to be “ liberty to the preserves of the abundantly stocked rivulets and streams ? ” for, if the fish are to have their liberty secured, the labours of the sportsman would be superfluous. We dont quite understand the allusion to “a pack of the most favoured fox hounds;” and cannot | say whether they are lightly worked, or are well “favoured” in the | ordinary sense, and are a iking pack of animals. The capacity of the residence must, indeed, be enormous ; for we are told it is ready “for the immediate reception of a family of distiaction, together with about twenty-seven acres of park-like grounds.” So that, while the lodge allows an entrance through it for a “ rustic village,” a “ private bridge,” or a “streamlet scene,” no less than twenty-seven acres of land can be accommodated inside the residence. The coach-house and stabling are equally capacious, being adapted “for six horses and farm- buildings ;” an arrangement, which must have its inconveniences as well as its advantages. The proprietor of Tump House may, according to the above advertisement, repared to} find a “ private bridge,” or even a “rustic village,” im i lodge ; “an extremely productive kitchen-garden ”’ in his dining-room ; and,’ finally, a barn, or granary, or any other species of “farm building” in his coach-house and stable. | It is clear that there will be a good deal to do in the way of turning the | house, or rather the grounds, out of window, before comfortable possession can be taken of the premises. Tue Prixcipte or Taz New Coatition.—Three Heads are better than one PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 19 MUSCOVITE WIT. Tue Russian Papers are filled with the most ridiculous stories against the English. As some of these are weak clumsy and not so violently absurd as they might be, we make the Muscovite journals a present of the following extravagant fictions, which, of course, they will solemnly present to their readers as positive facts : Eorecious Exrsavacarce ts Evotayp.—Tho inhabitants of London not only wear hats to protect their heads, but umbrellas also to protect their hats. The wonder is, they do not wear something over the umbrella to proteet the umbrella also? How- ever, the crowning folly is, that the umbretla, which gets all the rain, frequently costs twice the value of the hat that it protects from it! Tus Derre oF aw Evoireumas's Fotty.—A Cossack had fallen into one of the wells that abound in the neighbourhood of Sadlers’ Wells. “ Oh, help me! help me!" he cried piteously, “I will give two roubles to any one who helps me out of this dilemma.” “ But how is it to be done?” inquired a fat idiot of an Englishman from the top. “ Why, put yourself in the bucket that is up there, and when you are down here we will talk about it.’ The Englishman did as he was bid, and his superior weight in dexcending hed the effect of pulling up the Cossack, who was in the opposite bucket. “Thank you, my good friend, a thousand times,” he exclaimed, when he had safely reached the surface, “ wait there, please, until I come back, and pay you the two roubles,” and he went away grinning hugely in his sleeve. How aw Exe@umemans was pows sy 4 Cossack.—An Englishman anda Cossack agreed to pull for a tallow-candle. It was to be held between their teeth, and the were to pull and pull until one side was the conqueror. The candle was firmly fixed, when the Cossack said, “Are you ready?” The stupid Englishman exclaimed, “ Ye-e-e.e8;" but no sooner was bis mouth opened than the crafty Cossack pulled away the candle, so that he had the whole of the luscious morsel to himeelf. Tae Somurr ov Barrisa Fotty.—Will it be believed that the English place long spikes of iron, lowger than any Cossack's lance, on their and the tops of their public editices—and the object of this absurd precaution, it is said, is to prevent any one falling upon the buildings and damaging them ? Bartisa Apsonprry.—The English noblemen put furs and bearskins rousd the hammercloths of their carriages. Now, as the coachman sits outside and not inside the hammercloth. this cannot be to protect him from the cold—and we should like te know what can be the benefit of keeping the hammereloth warm? They might as weil put muffs on the coach-springs, or wrap boas round the spokes of the wheels? But it is just like those stupid English! Lycaepreie lowonayce ty Tas Barris Navy !—One of the Lords of the Admiralty (and they are men generally selected for their superior wisdom), finding that his weathercock annoyed him terribly with its creaking noise during the night, gave directions that it should be nailed fast so that it could not move, but that a man should come every Monday and set it right for the ensuing week ! Tax Rovat Ivretiect or tus Usrrep Kisovom!—We have all heard of the Puixce oy Waves, who cried, ready to break his heart, because on breaking open his drum he could not find the noise he expected to find inside, but this is as nothing com- pared to the Puixce or Panpiyerow (the Quezn's second son), who bought a magpie purposely to test the experiment, whether such birds were in the habit of living seven hundred years! Such is the state of education of the barbarian country that dares to go to war with civilised Russia! THE NEWGATE BANKERS. Str Joun Dean Pavt, whilst he always had his religion in his mouth, rarely failed to have his hands in other men’s pockets. Whilst at liberty, Sin Joun’s religion was, of course, a counterfeit and a flam. Let us hope that penitence and solitude may turn it into a true thing. There is no such touchstone as stone-walls. Even now, so greatly are certain City folks startled by what they call the severity of the sentence, they cannot themselves to believe that its full chastisement will be inflicted. There is a sort of City mind that cannot realise to itself a live Baronet in convict grey, what- ever may be the enormities by which he has fy earned the livery. Thus, we understand, there are hets offered in the City that, under the benign system of ticket-of-leave, Sin Jouw Pavt will set free in a year or two. Who knows ?—we may yet see the,ticket-of-leave Sin Joan an evangelical ticket-porter. A DARK VIEW IN THE CRIMEA. Amone the intelligence lately received from Jamaica, we find that— “ According to Quasnt, Sebastopol appears to be an uncommon strong man, who for the last year has been committing the most daring sets against the laws of mewm and tuum, and bothering France, England, Turkey, and Sardinia to grab him.” Quasuis, with a commixture of ideas not extraordinary for a black- amoor, merely confounds the place with the late proprietor : the den of robbers with the head of the gang. Indeed, Sebastopol might be con- sidered as a metaphor for Czar, just as the name of a place not to be mentioned to ears polite is sometimes used in the complex as synony- mous with its sovereign. One Swallow Don't Make a Paragraph. A piscussion has run round the country papers as to the truth of a narration to the effect that a fish, recently captured, was found to have swallowed a kitten. Mr. Puach knows a much more wonderful case. Not only did a kitten in his possessioa recently swallow a fish destined for that great man’s breakfast, but his domestic (cousin to a policeman) found means to make him swallow the story. sip cy dane

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PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE. “ For Romans now, Have thewes and limbs like to their ancestors.” Julius Casar, Act i., Scene JON CHARIVARL [Novemerr 10, 1855, EEE A SONG OF AUTUMN. Py a Tax-Gatherer. AvuTu™My returns, and once again ‘The barns are fill’d with golden grain, The wheat and barley heap’d in stacks : And I get in the Michaelmas Tax. See, slowly ranging through the stubble, ‘The sportsman aims his deadly double : But though with every shot he kill, *Tis mine a richer bag to fill. Th’ autumnal suns, in field and town, The face of Nature now do brown: jut browner we defaulters do Who legal measures force us to. Inducive now of copious Bass Is cook’d the goose of Michaelmas ; And when the tax’d don’t come to book, In other sense their goose we cook. Sweet are the stores now under hive, ‘The keepers of their bees deprive : Yet sweeter stores there are for me, To gather under Schedule D. The book of Nature now the sport Of Autumn winds, in leaves gets short : And wise is he in my belief Who out of my book takes a leaf. Russian Recruits. Tue Exreror or Rossa calls for a levy of ten recruits out of every thousand of his male subjects. Our House of Commons numbers |six hundred and fifty-eight, There are, we think, even more than one in the hundred,—that is six and a half partisans of the Emezxor o7 Russia, who—if they will not carry his arms—at least wear this uniform. Won't they respond to 3. | the call of ALEXANDER? AN APOLOGY FOR BAKER’S BREAD. To the Editor of Punch, “ Sir, “ Live and let live—that is my motto. It is too hard upon the poor Bakers to keep attacking them so violently as most of the Newspapers do, just merely for putting a little alum in their bread ‘Alum,’ as the writer of a letter to the 7imes signed ‘ ANTIDOTE,’ justly observes, ‘is a compound fermed of sulphuric acid and alumina, between which there is comparatively little chemical affinity; and if taken into the mouth disorganization of the teeth must inevitably | follow, because the acid has a greater attraction for the lime of which | they are composed than it has for the alumina, or than has the phos- | phoric acid which unites with the lime to form teeth.’ “ Well, Six, but if sulphuric acid were not introduced into the mouth with every morsel of bread containing alum, that is, perhaps, with almost every morsel of Bakers’ bread, of course it would not be im any- thing like a position to gratify that strong predilection which it has for the lime of teeth. ‘To a proportionate extent I, and the other members of my profession, should be deprived of employment. While I am on this subject, Sir, allow me, through you, to express our obligation to Confectioners at large for the service which they render us in allowing their plum-buns to contain so frequently little pebbles and bitsjot stone. These things are caemecial with the plums or currants,fand sugar, and could only be removed from them by a careful process of washing and picking, which, happily for us, is not always resorted to. The pebble-stones have no chemical action on the teeth, like the alum ; but they exert a mechanical one, which we find nearly as advantageous. They crack the teeth, which are not strong enough to crack them. Chipped and starred thus, the grinders soon decay, ache, have to be drawn, and replaced with our ferro-metallics. We derive a good deal of business from these stones contained in plum-cakes ; but not half so much as we do from the alum which our friends the Bakers put, into their bread. I, for my part, bake my own, and remain, “ Your humble Servant, “A Dentist.” Tue “Sritcu or Trwr.”—There is no implement for taking up this | “Stitch” with the greatest speed like the Needle of the Electric Telegraph. rom the us Maje ECLIPSE OF THE MOON, NOVEMBER 9TH, 1855. A Sare Ruie.—When a young man ete tote you that such and such a young lady “has no heart,” you may sure that he has been trying it on, and has failed in making a favourable impression.

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levy of s male imbers re, we ,—that KOR OF ms—at 90nd to uo

Novemser 10, 1855.)

WANTED, A NUISANCE. f “Lect Tere is certainly no accounting for tastes, and we — os ” any —_ > therefore will not attempt to explain the relish for a ‘a about to be “ellvered at nuisance which the annexed advertisement indicates. It is Exeter Hall by Lorp Joun copied from the Weekly Dispatch, and is headed with the Russet. We would sug- ed but we should have thought, not very attractive t= Te : words > Se a (THE BELLEISLE NUISANCES. \, old hin who or 3! Jt then goes on to intimate that there is “to be let, for a —\ mack in Wau O uring | term of 99 years, without restriction by the Freeholder as x LORD JOHN TURNED LECTURER.

_ =, * Not nN — ~~." ao Trades an isolated Frechold Estate of 180 task for being too slow,| ‘We presume the landlord intends to be non-resident on just as the Jatter need | this Estate, which he seems desirous of converting into a talking to about their fast region of pestilential vapours. We wish the place were = ropensities. A Series of | large enough to accommodate all the obnoxious trades in = tares to Old Men, in- England; but if the advertiser succeeds in carrying away — > cluding all the old generals, one half of them to his own domain, he will have deserved old statesmen, and all the | well of his country. rest of the ald set by which & mahers _have a ¥ * grossly mismanaged, wou — , 131 be exceedingly popular. It THIS BHOY WILL BE THE DEATH OF Us! is true that the old men in | Tue intense respect one feels for the speculations of the question are rather past | American journalists on the subject of European politics can- the age for puts by | not be increased, but still, if they would take the smallest being lectured, and many | pains to inform themselves of the facts of the cases they dis- of them are so obstinate, | cuss, it would not injure the value of their lucubrations. One as well as old, that it | of the leading New York Papers apprises its readers, that would be idle to talk to| whoever should marry our Paincess Rorat would ascend them. Those, however, | the English throne as her consort; and a correspondent, ne “id who are past the age for| asking why the poor Parcs or Wa.es is thus thrust aside, mprovement, may have earned their title to retire, and a few lectures on the | is answered by an apology which complicates the business a soporifie principle might be addressed to some of our old men, with the view of | little more :—“In the hurry (Americans are always in a giving them the luxury of sleep in a most effectual manner. We hope that Lorp/| hurry) the Editor had written as if the Salique law pre- Joy RussExt’s lectures to young men will not have a similar consequence, for these | vailed in Kugland.” ‘The Know-Nothings are making great ate days in which the young men should have their eyes kept open. progress!

= 7 / 2

A PRESENT TO THE KING OF PRUSSIA. THE CLERICAL ADVERTISER. Puussta is not generally to be the Land of Freedom; Heng is an advertisement which we copy from John Bull, but if we PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 193

| nevertheless its inhabitants do appear to take strange liberties with their Soverei The other day, as our ers are aware, when FrepeRicx-WiiitaM visited Cologne and Aix-la-Chapelle, the people exhibited raits of his j , representing him crowned with vine- haves! Fancy, daring a Royal Progress to Osborne or Balmoral, the rilway-stations decorated with pictures of Paiwce Apert? in the Apert hat! Well; but still more recently the officers of the Prussian amy—men of breeding we should have su ly had the mpudence to present the King with a Sword; and what is more, the Crown Prince accepted the office of delivering that emblem of conrase and honour to his brother. Such a sarcasm was per never before perpetrated on any man, to monarch. The only joke of the sort that we ever heard od hing it in severity, is that of sending a cake of to a slut. ‘Was wise to get o Crown cto 9 Nee 0 the satiri bp eae The offer of the | t was a moral stab, and an apprehension mi have been enter- | tained that the outraged Sovereign wal inset have repaid the cut at his dignity with a — in the —e, and have plunged | the weapon imto the viscera of any person nearly réiated to bim. Yet, surely, the Prince, in donee ing, coald not have mown what he was about; though of the two Brothers we lave never understood that this one, at least, is occasionally subject to that sort of ignorance. FRreDERIOK-War1tax himself appears to have tad no suspicion of the irony conveyed im the of stee). He saw, | it seems, the point of the one no better than he eonld have seen that | by other, and —_— “pedily cresieh a — to - ay been, 2 that oceasion, as hazy as his | is ys. For he is said, ndeed, to be as blind, physically, as he is to those considerations to. which the chivalry of his kingdom has attempted to give him a hint of us insensibility im @ sword. or not the sword was a broad- ‘word, we cannot say, but we are sure that it was infinitely less broad than the hint. The latter was, of course, thrown away, and'so we would think was the former teo; not at the time of presentation, nor rom then till that of bed, but, certainly, as early the next morning as us Majesty awoke, and was informed of the gift which he had accepted the day before.

THEATRICAL. | _It is ramoured that young Firzspvrs, late of the 2nd Life Guards, is 1at such #Poout to at the Haymarket as Julicé. All we shall then want to _ he has fomplete the cast will be one of the last Field-Marshals as the Nurse. sion.

association, that the unfortunate husbands’ petition was rejected. did not know from a ey it came, and that it was a bond fide | announcement, we should have taken it for a squib let off by some heterodox periodical. Its authors, however, offer, in all gravity : “To the Clergy and Profession .. . . Unique study chairs, particularly | adapted to the Clergy, &c.; from the ease and relaxation afforded, the fatigue of long sitting is entirely obviated, and the change of position without exertion instantly obtained.” Certainly, if we did not know better, we should have regarded the above as intended to insinuate against the Clergy an extraordinary love of ease, so intense as to demand a chair that would be easier than any already existing easy chair. It represents that reverend body as par- ticularly subject to a fatigue which is simply that of oitting still and at the same time it proposes to save them the trouble of making any exertion in varying their sedentary positions. If this is not to impute the height of laziness to the clerical profession, we cannot imagine what that altitude can be. Of course, instead of reclining in study chairs and amusing themselves —as lolling about in that way would imply—with the perusal of light lite- rature, accompanied probably with cigars, the Clergy are habitually on their legs, visiting the sick and the poor, and hunting up the vicious ; so that the advertiser who would wish to get anything out of them by catering to their personal comforts, should offer them, not commo- dities like easy-chairs, but such articles as stout boots, Ludian-rubber goleshes, and waterproof over-gowns. Natural Indignation. Wr rive that the beasts at the Surrey Zoological Gardens have been offered for Sale by Auction. It seems that some of the hushands of the females who exhibited their infants at the Baby Show there, were naturally anxious to get rid of such partners, and wished them included in the catalogue (the formal sale to be conducted in the old halter fashion), but the four-footed brutes, ee those which had taken the honours of maternity, howled so indignantly against such an

“ WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISs—” Sprightly little Boy, jumping about, loguitur, “Oh! Crikey, Criminy ! | Ain’t | happy? Here’s the Dentist coming to-morrow, and Pa has | promised me sixpence for every tooth that I have pulled out!”

ee te oe

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CH NN ~ QE iV sts .\) Impertinent Page (late from the dining-room). “I say, Cookery snp Soosay, MAKE A PRECIOUS FUSS ABOUT A Bima,—How'D YER LIKE Brack Sea Saitons. 18 wow?” Susan, “ Waere’s tTuat, Luresrance?” Page. “ Way, Master saYs it’s WHERE THE Bua sxp THE NiprEer MERT IN ONE BED!” TO BE WHERE THE [Sensation and loud cries of “ Oh!” \R \RIVART. {[Novemszr 10, 1855, ———— ARMY FASHIONS FOR NOVEMBER. Wrves hitherto have only pertained to the army collec. tively, drawn up in battle array ; but the individual soldier f we are rightly informed, wiil, in the case of a particula regiment, ee be, Mead not already, in possession of at least something very like those appendages. | We believe it has been determmed, by an illustrion: Field-Marshal to make a change in the uniform of Ha Masesty’s Life Guards ; which will impart to those callan fellows an appearance closely resembling that of Cochin. | China fowls. This result will be obtained by the investment of the } military man in a very short tunic, which will stick ou | laterally in a most ridiculous manner at the hips; and, in }eombination with the thickness of look about the leg: }oecasioned by the jack- especially as the lower ex. }tremities of this corps are Jong, will suggest s strong resemblance to that species of poultry. The asguillettes, also, we are told, are to be removed, by ‘the command of the ilfustrious Field-Marshal, from all the uniforms, in order to distinguish them from his own, which | will retain thoseornaments. There is some show of reason for this arrangement, if if has been made; for the aiguillettes form the military distimetion that the illustrious Field-Marshal has acquired. The Field-Marshal has farther, we believe, ordained tha the officers shall wear their when im full uniform on all occasions, including nobility and gentry’s bails, for which the are not cmidived suitable. The principal reason for this change is said to be that the Field- Marshal has so willed it. | The Field-Marshal bas not changed the Life-Guardsman’: | uniform to orange tawny. If he has made the other changes, he had better add this to them, and complete the resem. blance of these fighting coeks to the fowls of Cochin China = Walls have not always Ears. Ve maliciously enjoyed the dilemma of an orzan-player the otherday. An obvious stranger to the English language, {the [talian monster was grinding away opposite a Des __ | Asylum, and went on pouring out tune after tune, evidently YOU wandering to himself that he made no impression upon the establishment. Occasionally he would whistle to enhance the discord, but not a window of the obdurate house wa opened, not a servant appeared at the door to pay him for (Dyerrer) | “moving on.” When we left, he had been there full ta minutes, and he may be there now for what we know. THE PASS OF THE PRINT-SHOPS. Wuartever progress the War may be making now abroad, it is daily | more and more stopping pro: here at home. The blockades which we have maintained in the Black Sea and the Baltic have, we fancy, been productive to the enemy of but trifling inconvenience, compared to. that which we are suffering from those in London. Every print- shop that one passes—or rather that one doesn’t—of course bas its window full of “ Battle-scenes” and “ Tibustrations of the War,” and the crowds who stand to look at them are becoming, to less curious and agen Fare what may be correctly called a standing nuisance. By notes and calculations we bave eee that, on an average, we are now ay sixteen minutes and three-quart ger walking to our office than we used to be formerly, before the War began : and this serious delay would doubtless be mueh greater, if we were at all less reckless of our dignity and coat-tails in the crowds we have to crush through. We must be distinctly understood, however, that in noticing this nuisance, we have not the slightest wish that the police should imter fere, nor the remotest notion of suggesting that the shops in question should, for the time being, be asked to keep their ters up. We weaes Greate emneng the last to deprive the Britigh of the least f its privi ; and although we may suspect that many of these authentic sketches from the seat of War” were in reality on a cam 1 down at Margate, we have no desire to stop their being pub ited, without any charge except the rush to get a look at them. At the same time, however, asa matter somewhat of importance to the nation, we think it right to state that, while the crowds continue we shall consider it a duty to our family to have our ribs insured, an shall conceive ourselves inj if we are left to pay the premiums. As t-shops is to us a daily struggle Thermopyle. ers lon 0 “ tisat present, the Pess of the Prin fully equalling ba danger the Puss of THE LAMBTON: BABIES AGAIN. Mr. Puncu is happy to learn that he has done some good by callin: attention to the frightful peml to which the country was exposed, by its being left possible that an East ory Dunnam who did not inherit aristocratic succession, might some day legislate forthe country. An Officially authorised person writes to ony that. the blue ribbon whic) the elder twin used to wear, in proof his primogeniture, has bee rejected; and that the babies are now distingui the one by “: bracelet with a ruby,” the other by a similar ornament “ with: topaz.” ‘Thia is better, supposing, first, that the mischief has no been already done; secondly, that the family ean remember which jewe | belongs to which baby; amd, thirdly, that the bracelets are annealet | round the children’s wrists (like the eollar round the neck of Gurth 1 vanhoe); so that when the infants are washed, the ornament cann% {be removed. ‘lhese things understood, the Constitution and the Hous pd Lords are rather ee eee ae . votion to the aristecracy, m | mystic influence of page he should have preferred the tato | suggested by himself. However, he has now done his duty, and wi | merely wish the mghtful heir and his brother happy mimorities, a‘ | joyous coming of ages in 1876, when Ar. Puach | further remarks upon the suljeet, whieh may by that time be capab: | of being treated in a varied point of view. Ingenious Suggestion. Tue alleged difficulty of finding a brace of noblemen who would cor descend to be Post-Master-General, and Colonial Secretary, might bart tom 8 htened by fesiap he two officers into one, and then he Cole might have a chance of what they say seldom or never happens to t now, namely, the delivery of thee letters and newspapers. Princed by Witham ar Leadoa.—Sa |, of Ne. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Prederick Mullett Evans, of No. Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, 10, 1885, thetr TUaDAr, im the City of London, and Publisned vy them at No, %, 19, Qu-en's Bead Weret, Regent's Park, both in the Parish of 5+. Pancras, in the County of Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in the oF

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1855. ER. ¥ collec soldier articular 38100 of ustrions of Hex > gallant Cochin. ; of the tick out and, mn the legs ywer €x- ugzest a oved, by n all the n, which f reason for the that the ned that uniform y’s balls, suitable, that the rdsman’s ‘changes, @ resem. in China, an-player language, ea Deal evidently upon the ) enhance JOUse Was y him for > full tes ow. would cot might bare 2e Colome: ms to tues pty of le, in the COT Novemper 17, 1855.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. \ _ , pif, (MW Mi] Wee WSOP Y Vhs , TTL LIB \ \ \ 4 \ | ' ) —— re a \ ‘ | A HORRIBLE IDEA. First Languid Swell. “ Goon Gwaciovus, Atrrgp. Arxz you ILL?” Second ditto, ditto (gasping). “Inu! Aw! Yus! No! BUT NO, THE THOUGHT Is—tToo Horgisis !” ' GORTSCHAKOFF’S ADDRESS TO THE PEACE PARTY. | Tue following is a of the order of the day, dated “ Heights of | Mackenzie, October 28th,” in which Paince Gortscuakorr specially thanks the Peace Party in England for its active co-operation, and for the great assistance the Russian cause has derived from its zealous | advocacy :-— “ Farenps asp CoMpPaTRiots, “ His Imperial Majesty, our Master, has specially charged me to thank you, in his name, and in the name of Russia, for the great services you have rendered his army in England. The eeene teen me to say, that if you had been Russians you could not have served Rassia better. It is his great hope that you will continue to display the same noble zeal in inveighing on all occasions against the Allies, and that you will still courageously persevere in resorting to every | kind of chicanery, artifice, sophistry, and special pleading, such as your fertile imaginations cannot well fail to suggest, in order to damp the ardour of the English, and so effectually dishearten and dispirit them, that they will no a ee the War with vigour. Your virtuous indignation, thus ily employed, is as good as another army added to the Imperial arms. Every manly speech you deliver to frighten your constituents, supplies our exhausted regiments with thousands and thousands of bayonets. The fire of your patriotic .—— is, I can assure you, most welcome to our enfecbled soldiers. They bid me my, i could not be more refreshing to their lips, not even if it were Raki! “The Father of our Great Family has also invested me with full powers to say, that he would bail your presence in the Crimea with the liveliest sati ion, only he is convinced you will do his cause much more good by stopping in England. He bids you, as you love him, _—_ I sBALL BE ALL RicuT | DIRECTLY—BUT—I—coNFEsS—THE—SIGHT OF THAT FumaLe's UmMBRELLAW—COM- PLETELY—FLAWED ME—MY DBAR CHARLES—CONCEIVE BEING OBLIGED TO CARRY— [They shudder, and walk on. }-- every true Russian will be at his whipping-post t CAVEAT FOR THE CZAR. Cras Aenean ~— ,~ - )f blessed memory, Nicwoxas, thus e, When warn’d that his lite’s lease would soon expire - He ask’d, “ How | will ’t be before I choke?” He, who, to Pity deaf, sword and fire Lay the earth waste, and mercilessly broke The bearts of millions, gasp’d these words in dread Of Deata—who gently ehoked him in his bed. | Inheritor of both his throne and crime, Disgrace, disaster, and defeat, ’twere well For thee, perhaps, although in manhood’s prime, To muse upon thy father’s dying yell. Ere thou ehoke too it may be no long time, Slaves overwrung, though Russians, will rebel, As by severe conseriptions when provoked ; Then in or out of bed may Czans be choked. fA DEADLY LIVELY LOCALITY. Tue Scotch are aot remarkable for their liveliness, and we are therefore not surprised that a Seotch Newspaper | sbould amuse its readers such paragraphs as the {ol- lowing, which is extracted a recent number of the Galloway Advertiser. “A Heanse.—On Saturday last, a very neat and full-mounted Hearse, from the establishment of Mussgs, Jamas Dove tan & Sows, passed | through Stranraer on its way to Glenince. The Hearse is tn be added | to the establishment of Mu. M’Kewziz, King’s Arma, and wil! no doubt | prove to the inhabitants of the landward portion of Old Luce parish, « — — his present complete arrangements in the posting department. We should have thought that a Hearse would be literally about the last thing that the inhabitants of any place could have required, and we can only lament, that Old Luce is in such a dismal state, that the faneral arrangements for the interment of the whole ion have become a subject of such interest as to a article in the local News: sombre person, that he appears “more dead than alive and such we presume must be the aspect of that lagubrious Scotch parish, which hails the advent of a Hearse as a desirable addition to the “ ing department” of the hotel in the neigh The word “ posting” is suggestive of anything but a funereal , and we can only presume that the inhabitants of Old Luce are anxious to compensate for the extreme slowness of their lives by going to their graves in a gallop. It is sometimes said of a very remain where you are. The British Parliament, about foam, expects y to do his “It is my pleasant mission to transmit to you, in the name of the adored Shepherd of our Mighty Flock, nineteen Golden Orders of the White Feather, ag well as three undred diamond crosses of the order of the Cooked Goose, instituted just before the fall of Sebastopol. It is the Emperon’s wish that they should be distributed amongst the most distinguished advocutes of the Musecovite cause, and be worn nearest to th will be a joy to his paternal breast to learn that they are thus worn by eir hearts, as a slight souvenir of his affectionate love. It | Messas. Baicut, Giapstoyz, Conspen, and others of his beloved | children, to whom he owes more than he can ever pay. y “T am likewise specially instructed to command that all accounts for smashed hats, the broad brim of which may perhaps present an awkward handle for Discontent to lay hold of, are to be trans- mitted once a month to St. Petersburg for payment. The same order comprises broken windows and facial disfigurements of every pos- sible variety. The value of the estimated damage may, if agreeable, be taken out—for it is the fatherly wish of ALEXANDER to show as much favour to his dear friends as possible,—either in caviare, or tallow, or a mixture of both. ; “Valiant Warriors of the Peace Society,—the Emrgnon’s eye is upon you, as his heart is with you ! “ GoRTSCHAKOF?, Commander of the Defeated Army in the Crimea, and Admiral of the Sunken Fleet at Sebastopol. “Peorte who cas Waits, But wow’? Waite.”—These are by no means the worst sort; much worse are the folks who will write, but who nevertheless, can’t, VOL. XXIX, x

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| How Tur “Maw tw Baass” Recervep Tee IwrelLicence TuatT HIS SERVICES WOULD BE DISPENSED Wira at Taz Loagp Mayou’s Sow, Nov. Ora, 1855. ONE CURE FOR DRUNKENNESS. Lory ALsemar.e says, truly no doubt, that the great obstacle to the social improvement of the labouring classes is constituted by their habits of drinking. Of course a Maine Liquor Law, stringeatly enforced, would oblige them to discontinue these habits, by denying their passion for drink the means of its gratification, and then that passion would in al! probability act after the manner of steam generated at high pressure without any safety valve, or indeed an ve what- ever. ere would be a blow-up of some kind, or the vapour of human nature would ooze out by the vent of perhaps a worse channel of depravity. There were teetotallers before Ma. Goucn ; not only Faruex Martwew and his disciples, bat Manomer and the Turks. So, then, it is desirable to invent some otber plana of abolishing drunk- enness than that of repressing the propensity to it from without. Drunkenness is not a moral disease, but the symptom of one, called, in plain English, unhappiness. proper treatment consists in curing that, which is impossible, but it can be sufficiently palliated for the purpose in most cases. People get drunk because they are not jolly ; if they were jolly they would not get drunk: the object is to them jolly without drinking. Many methods of dog this have been suggested, but really the most feasible owe lies on the surface: it is that of making them jolly by eating. lhe great majority of those who drink too much belong to the elass of those who have not enough to eat. are reasons why their food is insufficient, waut of money among others; buat one, if not the least serious cause of that deficiency is, that what they have is not made the most of. If philanthropists would patronise well-conducted eating-houses for labouring persons throughout the coustry ; cook-shops at which they could obtain the best meals that could be got out of the materials at their command, there can be little doubt that the victuals would powerfully attract them from the drink. It has been pro by the Colonel of a regiment in the Third Division in the Crimea, to the internal remeuy of plum-pudding, with a view to counteract the intoxication so unhappily prevalent among our heroes there; aud we bave no doubt the prescription will be much moce effectual than the mere external application of the cat. A Voice from a Clock. Tue Clock at Somerset House has appealed to the public, through the columns of the 7'imes, against the injustice of being made to say one thing with its tongue, and another with its hands; or, in other words, to strike three, while it shows the bour to be twelve on the face of it. Lt was a good ideaof man “to give a tongue totime ;” but, if the tongue is false, & is idle to assume the aspect of truth in the face; or, in vulgee phraseology, to exhioat such cheek as to negative any aceusaiion of talsehvod. [Novemser 17, 1855. CANT IN THE COAL TRADE. CuetrennaM bas long been remarkable for the spirit of Want hy which its atmosphere is pervaded, and indeed, it is almost equally notorious for its sanctity and its salts, its pump-room, and its piety. The assumption of Relig‘on is indeed a mat'er of business with many of the inhabitants of Cheltenham, whieh is c.n-equently converted into a hot-bed, or we might venture to say, a foremg-greund of bypocrisy. Piety—we mean of course the pretence to y—is “ the fashion” among some of “ the most people” im the place; and as Cant is used for professional purposes, we are not surprised that trade has availed itself of the “serious dodge,” in order te invite customers. The ing copy of a Circular bas been sent to us by ore of the inhabitants, who complains that nearly all the tradesmen in the place are infected by the spirit of Cant that is breathed from some clerical mouths over wae locality. FAMILY COAL DEPOT. WILLIAM THOMAS, late Scripture Pender in the district of the | Rav. J. Buowws, of Trinity Church, im again presenting bis circular before the Nobility, Gentry, and Ishabitewts generally of Cheltenbam, desires, while acknowlecging the goodness of God tm prosperi: ¢ his efforts im business during the past year, to express his gratitude to those Ladies, Gentlemen, and other kiod Friends, whe have favoured him | with their support; and begs et the same time to assure them that he | will spare no effort to supply the best quality of Coals, at the lowest | possible prices, consistent with the principles of honesty and justice. | hiss * a: We confess a participation in the disgust of our Correspondent at Religion being converted into the means of a puff, and employed for the purpose of getting off coals, or any other article. ; Li it were not that we have more reverence for Religion than those can bave who drag it into business advertisements and trade circulars, we might suggest a variety of the most absurd incongruities arising from the union of puffing and piety. We, however, have too high a regard for sacred matters to allow us to imitate the conduct of those | who bring the Bible and the Ledger into unseemly contact ; and though we might render them supremely ridiculous, we are satisfied to leave them to the contempt aa sod taste of the public in general. We fear that in Cheltenbam there is too much of Cant personified and nified to enable us to effect much good in that home for genteel pocrisy and feeble-minded conventionality ; but if our remarks open eyes of only a few, the result will be so far satisfactory. PROTESTANTISM AND PLEASURE. Tu Birmingham Journal publishes an incoherent discourse, which it aseribes to the Rev. Tucuas Tysax, Catholic priest of Sedgley, on the subject of mixed marriages; that is to say, marriages between Roman Catholics and other people. Mar. Tysan, according to our Birmingham contemporary, concluded his address with the following reflection and dogma :-— “ How dread/ul it is for those who troth their faith and love to each other, when they leave their door, one going one way, and the other the other ha thinking the aie my a and the other thinking the other is to devil, and so they live on. All Protestants think of is their own and selfishness ; and all that is bad.” Mr. Tysay’s reflection is judicious, but his dogma must be doubtful, even to Roman Cathohes themselves, at least unt:| Feraztri shall have stamped it with the seal of imfallbility. On reflection, he will himself ive, that his condemnation of Protestants is rather too sweeping ; | eee , something more than their “own ! ' pleasures, and selfishness,” must have been thought of by the numervus pers ns of Protestant opimions who, rather than renounce them, bave suffered themselves to be burnt alive. Poem for a Political Primer. Cozpen is a Musceovite, Ditto set down Ma. Baier, Ditto Giapstons, ditto Gaanam, Lorp Joan Russe.i ouch the same. Interesting Fact. Ir is understood that poor Ma. Hasruton, whose e was 30 promptly cut short by His Grace tue Duxe or Somerset, the moment ee sentence, is now known as “Si mILtox.”

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he se rs, ng pal se gh ave nd eel pen | Novemser 17, 18565. | A NIGHT WITH CLICQUOT. (From our own Correspondent.) Potsdam, Nor, 8, 1855. Krxe Cricquor asked me to dine with him yesterday, and having no better engagement, oe = I ted the invita- tion. spent a tole- rably pleasant evening. We dined (éle.a-téle, because his Majesty wished, as he often does, to ascertain my opinion on _ various questions of European policy. d Before dinner the King was what we call in the vernacular rather down in the mouth ; he said he had been up thenight before. I re- commended him a petit verre, which be was dis- inclined to take, but I made him, when he soon became ail right; and, the re having been ate and drank, particularly the latter, as heartily as usual, : The ch was —_———— ==> first-rate. state this p on his Majesty’s au- thority, for I stuek to Johannisberger ; although he povtech of both, contrary to my advice OW not to mix his liquors. On the removal of the cloth, ever, he yielded 10 my suggestion, | that the best thing he could now take was whiskey-punch ; for which we had the materials rum ” foc myself and him. Having given the King a prime Havannah, I lighted my “ weed,” and his Majesty followed my example. We then cha‘ted together for some time on moral philosophy, metaphysics, the belies lettres, table-turning, spirit-rapving, religion, and the other topics of the day nonene the Greek T y of Antigone ; of a difficult passage in one of the choral odes of which, gave my Royal entertainer the correct translation in German, _ From the subject of a T qaegeen am, po eiteee Sean, oo ihe Wen, pee whieh, as his Majesty has often heard me de~cant concerning the wrongs of poor Old land in terms of fecvid eloquence, he naturally supposed me exempt from Engtish prejudices entirely. He therefore unhosomed himself to me on that subject quite confidentially ; and, as | have no fear that your columns will ever meet his eye, there is no reason at ail why IL should not relate you his discourse thereon, It was pretty late in the evening, and we were both very well primed, although for my part there was nothing the matter with me, when [ told the King how cleverly | thought he had managed in steering clear of the Hastern scrape. “ Your Majesty,” I said, “ has displayed the most brilliant management in keeping out of that.” “ Shink so?” said Cricqvor, in answer to my delicate compliment. I give his Majesty’s pro- nunciation of the Knglish language, which usually becomes peculiar as the evening advances. “Faith, I do, Sire,” I answ ; “by Jove! Austria was very near being drawn in once or twice.” “ Aus’ra knows wellnuff washsabout,” replied the Monareb. verwell whatsabout. FRantz’s upsnuff.” 9 ” [| remarked, “ but Fritz put him to snuff.” Hereat the King poked the fore- finger of bis Royal mght hand into my ribs, and [ retucned the compliment by giving hum a cordial slap on the back. “ Boseof’s knows veywell whatsabout,” repeated Cricquor. “Think Atexanper knows what he’s about ?” [ asked in my off-hand way. “No!” answered his Majesty in a monosyliable. “He seems determined to persevere in the War,” I said. “Sebastopol ’s gone, and Kinburn ; sure he’s playing a losing game. Why doesn’t your Majesty get him te throw it up?” “ Know a trickworth two that,” responded the King. “Why, of course, as long as the blockade lasts, get all the Russian trade,” I observed. i ure,” was the Royal answer. “ But ’tisa’t that [ looktosmuch— tishn’t that.” “ Austria,” I remarked, “ has vo such interest in the War.” “Certainly nosh,” assented the King. “ But zsbash only a temp’ry inst inshwar. Ausht’s permaninshtst in sehwar shame ash mine. Look here, ole‘ella! Snyose | p’susde sh Czar t’ accept sh’terms osh’lies? Wash zshen! Wngianfrance and Sardinia ’spose of Turkey.” ™ Yes, Sire,” I said. “Well, but,” resumed Cricquvor, “wash I want ish for Prassianausra ’spose of Turkey! So we mean to le’m go on til! zhey’ve ezshaushed oneanuzher, and zhenaknow we shtep in an vide sha prize zhey’ve been figh’n for, like sha whosname in sha fable.” “ By the Powers!” I exe “ what a devp old file your y is!” “I ragsher shinkiam ;” ied his Majesty. “ But come shay, olefella—thish all in, and I brewed a “} “Prantz-Jossen knows *tweenourselves.” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 197 I assured him that I considered his confidence sacred. “ Pfoundshecret !” whispered the King. “ Dead,” I returned, in the same tone. “Nosh a word about sha pig, Tim,” said Cric ped a bit, Prrrz,” said [; “nor about his His Ma then called upon me to sing a song, and [ gave him Vore Creia@ with so much tenderness and pathos as to came him to lic with his face upon the table and weep. By the time I had fini he was buried in the arms of Morpheus, on which, having rung the bell, | had him earned up to bed by a nobleman in attend ance, and wished him good-night. THE STRONGEST OF ALL ALLIES. Eneuanp, France, and stand united in a great Anti-Cossack league. To this trind of nations we very soon to acquire the addition of Denmark, and Norway, But there is one otber pation of whieh the cordial alliance would be more effective, aps, than that of al! the rest imthe world. That ix a nation without a geographieal limit; a vation without a place on the earth’s surface ; a nation partaking little of the earth’s crust, but very much of the riches of the earth’s interior; a nation interspers: d throughout all mations. Need we say that the nation to which we allude is that of the Hebrews. The Czan Atexanpen has issued an ukase for the levy of fresh myriads, to be sacrificed, for the success of his felonious ambition, to Motocu In every thousand Jews the Tyrant bas com- manded that ten shall be seized upon, and devoted to the slau among those wretehed victims These L tes are to be driven by the knout and the stick to shed their own blood ard that of others, in the name and under the tutelage of the Muscovite’s Idols of wood and paint, the carved imagesof his gods Seneivs, and VLADIMIR, and AL*xanpen N ewski. Shall not the Israelites draw the sword for this against the oppressor of their brethren? ‘That is not necessary. Let them only draw their purse- strings close and tight. Let that individual of the Hebrew community who dares to lend the despot a farthing be cut off from the congre gation of Isnagt. To stone him to death will no longer be practicable: but Jet him be thrust out of the synagogue; and be evermore an unclean beast ; an abomination in the sight of his people ——SS—=—==— Invitation to the Brave Belgians. O Bexeians brave! you ought to be Against the Cossack our allies, To France by consanguinity, To —— hound by other ties ; By ties, how strong | cannot say ; But | am sure they ’re very dear :— The sundry thousand pounds we pay Your Sovereign, Lzoroip, a year. THE ROAD TO GLORY. Amone@ the decorations very properly con- ferred by the French Empenon on the troops in the Crimea, is one of a rather dumous cha- racter, in the » of a cross of the Legion of Honour to a corporal of Chasseurs, who had “carried away his companions by his example.” Considering are always two ways in a field of battle, it would have been as well if the direction in which the Chasseur carried away his companions had been clearly dicated. Though we ¢ little doubt that his movement was for- wards on the foe, it is just possible that his entbusiasm might have been of such ap awkward sort as to have run away with him.

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198 PUNCH, OR ‘THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. {Novempzr 17, 1855. LINES TO SCANDINAVIA. O sroruers of the North, Lose not the golden hour! Now is your time for standing forth Against the Russian power. Sardinia took the place Of honourable Dare ye not, too, the monster face, By France and England’s side ? That Beast, the Russian Bear, Is stricken very sore: Help us to drive him to his lair, To issue thence no more. o that end is unfurl’d "The banner of the Free That he, the Bugbear of the world, Henceforth may cease to be. Ye may reclaim your kin. Upon the brute whilst yet be bleeds ! Get back from him the Finn. For all his Baltic prey With us if you combine, Wrest from his weaken’d clateh you may, And force him to resign. | Set on him now, you Swedes ; eel (As | Rise, by Gustavus, rise ! in your CuaRes’s name ! Ye Danes be also our Allies, 6 oe me -_=—s =~ And share our oe aim. ' », } a” oy Pee RAS | our renown, Hurrah for opt Heer cry; Now, We DO Hore Tats Otp GENTLEMAN 18 NOT GOING TO BE ASKED TO sHOW Bis TiCKET ; With brutal Russia, Down ! BECAUSE THIS OLD GENTLEMAN HAS JUST PACKED HIMSELF UP QUITE COMFORTABLY, aND HIS Ls TicKeT 18 IN THE VERY INNERMOST Recess oy nis Waistcoat PocKkeT; AND BECAUSE, YOU SEE, THIS 18 JUST TRE son? OF OLD GENTLEMAN WHO IS LIKELY TO BE MUCH Ipaitarep bx| Taz PRBTENDER to THE Crows.—A Lady’s | suce a Request at sucn «4 Ting onnet, } | Pri Cound ant President of the Commits of Privy Counell for Afar of Teas THE NAME THE PROPHET !—FIGS. and Foreign Piantat IN N OF “And his ie 3 the nies of poem, te a ae and Chamberlain, Albert, in Sanjast aoe voy Extraordinary inister Plenipotentiary to her HE follow ays Gant. t Grand Cross of the Order of the Red Eagle, and of the appears in "s te. Bays Soa of St. Januatius of the Two Sicilies, Sianisace ommandet r o st of Portuga In its original 1 Vent ndet of the Order of Christ of P 1; pies neal two oa waa a Who. 8 after ha commun! icated t to each other their respective full powers, found in daily Newspaper, but J/r. | good and due form, ve agreed upon and concluded ”— | nage ventured to oo Now for it. press ut names an That the Copyright treaties between England and Germany shall apply a“ aoe of fea| to trans/ations of German Books and Fase! f hy ad for the first time—the Gorna Poise - to say that Royalties, little and big, are not benefactors Almanac forbid be should | ° ™ ' lay a sacrilegious hand. — | United Kingdom of Great Britain THE CHELTENHAM CONJURORS. and Ireland, ov the one part,and) We should like to know the wiseacre who drew up the annexed | His M the K ot Prussia, os ol in his a" name as in| advertisement :— Senoae, the Ren Highnee “the | (VHELTENHAM COLLEGE.—The Present War—It has been deter- | Grand Duke of Saxe-Weimar, his mined several Cheltenham collegtans, both old and present, to erect a suitable Evel Highness the Duke of | | MONUMENT in memory of their sehoolfellows, who have fallen and may fall in the Saxe-Meiningen, bis Royal High- | present war. Any eld collegian who is willing to aid = object can communicate with ness the Dake of Saxe-Altenb his peak be hon the Duke of = the Secretary of the Memorial Committee, the College, Cheltenham. his Royal Highness the Duke of Bruns is Royal H the Dake ! Dessaui-Cothen, his Royal Highness the Duke of Anhalt- his Serene High- | We seaport @ the feeling which dictates the erection of a monument to Sy accesses anes agen Prise of Ramsar trans tod i | {808 eb hare fallen” in thet War but we donot see how those who aoe Miaieneoe dae + “ may are to be included»in the honour, unless the Cheltenham Serene Highness the Prince of Reuss (younger branch), on the other part,” worthies are gifted with the power of prophecy. Perhaps the Have—but stop—let us take a little breath. REVEREND Mr. C.ose, who has written on Spirit-rapping—whether Now, then. Have agreed— against or in favour of i¢ we are not prepared to say—may be able to No, no. Don’t be inahurry. Great people do not do things de | enlighten his associates on the wre or otherwise, of ascertaining main en main, Ewen their Royal Highnesses Field-Marshals, when | the names of those about to fa that their names may appear with they go out shooting, take the gun not from the vulgar hand of the those of the already deceased heroes on the suggested monument. gamekeeper who loads, but from that of the equerry, to whom the TOTP are gamekeeper hands it. So the above distinguished folks ec. as Have named their respective Pienipotentiaries, viz. :— The Way to the Bank. Her Majesty the of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, the | Right 1 ~~ 4 We Frederick, Earl of Ciarendon, Baron Hyde, of Hindon, a peer| WE see there is to be a new Omnibus Company formed in London, Coun sight ofthe Mant Noble Order of the Garver, Kplght Grand Cro ote | neaded, If well-conducted.that is to say, it they bave good conductors ouncil, Knight of a - . © | neede well-conducted—that is to say, if they have conductors Mow oearabe Order ofthe Dat, ber, Brtemnle Majer Principat Seeraary of "ete this new speculation in Omaibéses willtum ext as profitably | & peer.of the United Kingdom, a member of her Britannic Majesty's Most Honourable as the recent investment of Aars in Asia. |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Novensgr 17, 1855. j | | ; n eC ; r 5 | 2 Se en ee een ———— = - et se _ A TICKET-OF-LEAVE MINISTER FOR THE COLONIES. | Scene—Downing Street. LORD PAM and BILL CROWBAR discovered. y | Crowbar (the Ticket-of-Leave). “ Weit, ur Loxd, 48 You’ve TRIED THe Sweits ror THe Horrice, awn It’s wo oo, IT Makes > BOLD TO HOFFER MYSELF FOR THE PLACE. Awnp as A TickeT-or-Lzave, | CaN LAY MY ’AND UPON MY "ART, AND SAY—THERE’s, NOT A MAN KNOWS MORE OF THE Cotonres THAN I pors.” Lord Pam (considering), “Yiu!” internet | }

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4: 5853 _ @ 5 SSSESTOrrTsese |e.

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Novewser 17, 1855.) OUR GALLANT ALLIES—PROPOSED COMPLIMENTS. J ue Post inserted a letter from a butter- Pe hearted e. rre-ponden'—he signs him- i self Rusticus—who meekly “ reeom- mends that the name of Wate:loo Bridge stiould be chonged in compli- ment to our gallant «nd generous brothers in arms, the French.” He further recon ends that the new name should he the Bridge of Peace! Punch would further recommend that the Bridge should he called Poms Asinorum, with free toll for the whole length of the |ife (ears ineluded) of Rous- ticus. Our friend may, however, prefer his first suggestion hecause it enshrines a sentiment, and want of sentiment he declares “in the Anglo- Saxon popuia'ion of this country is degrading ‘be ma-sex below the jeast of any other civilised people.” The Fins and Muscovites, for instance, in purity of politeness and intensity of sentiment bear us hollow—hollow as a mug. However, we quite agree that we sho. ld wipe ont all recollections of former victories over the French; that #e should destroy all and every institution, sign or symbol that may keep alive the memory of our little tiffs by land and sea. Avd first let us begin with the House of Lords. A certain Eart Newson is there, who imberits his peerage and his fortune by the good luck of being descended (we will not say how many steps) from a certain Netsow who won the Nile and the Trafalgar. Let that earldom be wiped out from the peerag-; the Earl’s fortune confiscated, and his name be changed to Jacques Bonnomme. And in the like manner—we c»nnot help it—we must treat the Duxe of Wettinctoy. We must have that Strathfieldsaye estate back again, the va'ional grants refunded, the title abolished, and the Duke or Wetuineton made plain Ma. Weurestey. Soutary’s Life of Nelson, together with every copy of the Wellington Despatches must be bu nt, say in Leicester Fields. Of course the Wellington Statues, with the statues of Netson must away to the melting-pot ; whilst, as a fival ac’, a law shall be passed making it a high mer ned Brn to write or speak of any \ittle squahbie that may have cufortunately happened between Hngiand and France later than the dispute at Poictiers or Agwncourt. Tis, for the present, is all that Mr. Punch can suggest; but be will very cheerfully give} ear to any further proposition for mixing the two countries into one. He yet hopes to see the day, when cabs may pass under the tunnel | from Calais to Dover, and from Dover to Culais as thickly and witha! as safely as they pass in Fleet Street. France, we dunbt it not, will reciprocate the teeling. Indeed, she is so anxious to let bye-gones be bye-gones, that as an opening compliment to Austria, she proposes—the | time is not yet fixed—to change the name of the Bridge of Austerlitz to the Pont de Blucher. HORRORS OF THE MONEY MARKET. Oxp ladies with weak nerves should heware of reading any News- papers except those which are well known to be addressed exclusively to themselves. Inthe Paris corresponcence of a contemporary, which appeals both to youthful and ancient fewales of the superior classes, there occu:s the following statement :— “ Mesens. Martitayp, Cormegzeat, avp Co. in their cireular of Nov. 3, observe, * The settlement in the shares of the Crédit Mohilier has again been painful, and some executions took place, which caused a further deciiue ia their vaiue.’ ” This very cool and cursory manner of mentioning executions would surely very much shock and harrow the feelings of —o of the sensitive and venerable ies above contemplated. hat is the nature of this commercial concern, the set'lement im the shares of which has been so painful? is a question which cannot but occur to her bewildered mind, taking “ paimful” in connection with “executions.” Is it a Punishment of Offenders Company, contracting with the French Government to out the sentences of the tribunals on criminals? Is it a Joint-Stock Society, which provides stocks, and whipping-posts, and ts to correct culprits at the one, and invest their legs m the other? ‘Does the Mobslter send guillotines about the country? These are not pleasant speculations to be s sted, at breakfast time, to the fancies of the grandmothers of refined society. TOAST AND SENTIMENT FOR MESS TABLES. Tre bealth of an Dilustrious Freip-Manrsnat, and may his Royal be always as ready to remove the grievances of the Army as he is to re-dress the officers and men. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 201 “THE PLAYFUL POLECATS.” Tw fact has escaped the attention alike of Perer Cusninonam and Jouw Times in their books of London, that there exists a! the present teme a club of young fellows (it must he confessed very poor avd sprrit- less imitators of the Mota+ks -»d Bluods of the god old times), calimg themselves tbe Play'ul Poleest=». The object of the socety is to illustrate the English character in all blic places, in a variety of modes and manners, that whilst they » impart a playful sir of ruffianism to the ac'ors themselves, shall at the same time, {ill with the v Ost po-sible amount of disgust thew sudience ard beholders. The first meeting of “ the Playful Poleeats” takes place on the first an- nouncement of M. JoLiren’s Concerts, the wide arena of | be p: omenade rffording the amplest scove or the wit and repartee ot even the smallest Polecat or Polekittren We are enabled to give a copy of the circular issued to the Members who, in default of personal attendance at the Ciab-1oom, might reverthcless be duly instructed im the intentions of the Society in general. “THE PLAYFUL POLECATS.” Brother Polecat,—Old Jo.iren sports his baton and his white choker on Monvay. You are expected to meet the Playfuls, and no mistake. The row is to be opened about nme. There isa Frenechwoman going to chaunt, and won’t it be jolly to our blessed Allies, just to »how ’em what bricks Britons can be,—and so just as the Gallie hen begins to crow,—'o get upa fight? Hold your head up—déke a true Pulecat— and hit low. This will conclude, the “ first part.” Part 'wo will be opened with a game of leap-frog, every Poleeat being expected iu his turm to make a back, and jump. Juring the Galop, a Shower of conclude with a fight! Peas and detonating balls to be scattered and let off as our beloved Alles say of their bread—at di-cretion, Three live hedgehogs will be flung up at the “Zouave’s Trumpet Call,” «hich is expected to make a jully lark in the way of football, and no mirtake. Tre Playfuls are desired to pay in their annual guinea to the Pole- ca‘s’ Affl:ction Fund; namely, to discharze the fines which inexorable Bow Street Beaks levy on the captive Members. As Firzpau says, “They hates us youth.” Down with Beernoven, and nine times nine for the “ Ratcatcher’s Daughter ines RUSSIAN REINFORCEMENTS. We should like to see enforced the following enactment : “Tuar all Brutes, convicted of besting their wives, be immediately on their convie- tien enhsted in a New Brumers, and be sent out of the Kimgvom as soon as possible, to fight the Russians.” There would be only one fear of the above Law being carried out— pence, and a grand scramble, to ment; to be eailed ‘ The Wife Smachers, or‘ The Woman and the further it was carried out of the country the better—and that | | 18, the inhuman wretches so enlisted might turnout such poltroons, that the mere sight of a Cossack would be sufficient to put them all to flight. It is but fair to infer that a man, who has ed humself a rank coward at home, would be an equal coward in the ranks abroad; and conse- oy it would be a great risk to entrust the of England to such worthless guardians. Besides, such monsters, having thrown off al) the attributes of Engli-hmen, have no right to appear before the enemy in the honourable unifo:'m of Exglishmen. We would pr +, therefo that the dastard!y regiment, when duly formed in the Crinses, sboul retain as its distinguishing mark the prison-dress it had so well earned, and farther, that rt should be allowed every opportunity, and, in fact, given every possible encouragement, to desert over to the Russians. By this anna, the rvffianly “ Wife-Smashers” would stand the best chance of bein would thus be made to feel on their own beaten withm an imch of their lives. e should be ricding the ce: uotry of a disgrace, and at the same time inflicting on the Russians a great injary. The new Russian corps might, out of compliment to their secret allies, the Austrians, be called “ Harsav’s Own!” The Bears in Covent Garden. A now generally inaugurates the series of M. Jouiren’s Concerta. The “fast” cube are very rough, and much too ready for a scramble. M. Jottien is like, and unlike, Ampmtow. He can bring the bears together, but he cannot control them. HOW TO ADMINISTER ADVICE. Apvice should s!ways be given im the smoothest and most polished medium—as you will see purses admimistering medicine to children in a silver spoon. g severely punished by their own countrymen, and | what it was to be | ns. 0 eenee

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— — ee — PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI [Novewser 17, 1855. | — | ALICE GRAY (OF WOLVERHAMPTON) Sue ’s all her fancy painted her, _ Her tricks you can’t divine ; First one and then another She gets into a line. She looks like innocence itself— As open as the day ; But a humbug and a take in, Is simple Atice Gray. Her artless air has varnish’d o’er The k with purest white. Her soft false tongue, prefers a charge, And juries think her right. Her artless air is all assumed— Her victim ’s sent away, And the prison crank he’s turning, Through the lies of Atice Gaay. I’ve seen impostors have their run I’ve seen them caught at last ; But Antics Gray has all outdone— Each humbug she ’s surpass’d ; And when her story shal! be told, ‘Lruth will be foreed to say, She was the very Queen of quacks, ‘That artful Anice Garay. The Invasion of Paris. Sccn has been the enormous number of En- , glish who have lately invaded Paris, that a cigar- shop, in the neighbourhood of the Rue de la | Paix, fearful of losing all its French custom, has | been a bode 1 . conspicuous placard in its windows with the following intimation :— “lax yer Pard'n, but yer haven't sich a thing as @ Lucifer about yer ; have yer, Missus?” “Tor on Pants Francais.” . RUSSIAN OIL ON THE FIRE! |e to deter us from going to war if we could have | id we not, before going to war, exhaust all the means of preserving | To Ricuanp Convex, Esq, MP. peace recommended by the very Peace Society? Did oa a. Mr pear Sm, he y _ | recourse to arbitration ; was not the award given in our favour: and How glad I should be to find you we saying something | did not the Czar refuse to submit to it ? What, then; would you have calculated to put a stop to this'horrible War! could have pos-| had us to behave as Dogherry recommends the watch? If so, perhaps sessed you to write that letter to Mn. Barves, which can have no | you would wish the dangerous classes, provided they arm themselves, other tendency than to prolong it? Don’t you see that, in trying to|to be left to their own devices by the Police. If Sawney Beay, discourage the British Public, you simply encourage Czar, and | arch-cateran, cut-throat, cannibal, and 0 forth, had chosen to fortify | rouse, instead of cowing, the spirit of = countrymen? Are you not | his den with certain mudbanks and firearms, you would have been for | conscious that, in proclaiming our difficulties, you are doing your | suffering him aud his gang to remain unmolested? Ridiculous to com- utmost to increase both his obstinacy in resisting our demai and | pare the Emperor or Russia to Sawney Bean? Yes; as ridiculous | our determination to compel him to yield to them? Those difficulties | as to compare Mont Blanc to Primrose Hill. The worst atrocities you invite Ma. Jomw Bout to inspect through your microscope, in | ractised by Sawney Bean and his crew, thousands of times multiplied | order to terrify him, don’t you? Well they do terrify him; and im the fave been committed under the auspices of the late and the present agony of his terror, he will strive desperately to surmount them, well Czar; moreover, Sawney did not set up the Cross for a pretence, and knowing that if he does not surmount them now, he will have much | perpetrate his abominations in the name of the Orthodox Church. greater difficulties to contend with hereafter. Jown Butt is afraidto| The Press answerable for keeping up warlike excitement? Why, stop the War ; endeavour to allay that fear. But you evidently don’t | yes: the Press gives publicity to your letters and speeches : otherwise know what fear is, rational fear; fear in the British sense of the word. | it merel shed we the national sentiments for the information of your This, my dear Sir, is the fear of being beaten; which prompts those | friend, the Emeznor or Russia, and much good may it do him! Your | who are affected with it to fight instead of running away. letter to Ma. Barses is very likely to diminish any amount of good Mr. Joun But is afraid of Russian aggrandizement and domina-| which the Press may be capable of doing him. By the way, my dear | tion. Mar. Ricuarp Coppen is not. Now, my brave Mr. Cospey, | Sir, is it not rather fortunate for you that we have a free Press? why don’t you disabuse timid Jou of his delusion, if he is deluded, on | Suppose your letter to the Editor of the Leeds Mercury had been ad- that point’ That, if you could manage it, would be the way to restore | dressed to his contemporary of the Jnralide Russe ; only mutatis peace. Show that Russia had not, for centuries, cherished designs | mu¢andis: that is, Russia’s case being Enyland’s, England’s Russia’s, | upon Turkey: that Sebastopol, with its fleet and thousands of cannon, | and you a Russian by birth and residence, but an Englishman at heart. | and enormous accumulations of shot and shell, was not intended for | Where, in the world, would you be at this moment, my dear Sir; and their execution. Show that the arsenal was not the analogue of a| what appearances would be presented by your bare back ? Commending burglar’s premises ; and its munitions of war the counterparts of jemmies | this question to your serious consideration, believe me, my dear Sir, in and centrebits. Show that the seizure of the Suitay’s dominions | the cause of peace, your sincere fellow-labourer, PUNCH. | would not have been followed by the conquest of Kurope. Show that ‘ i : | the aggression on the Principalities was not the first step towards that| P.S. Your notion of fat middle-aged men being sent to the Crimea | conquest. Demonstrate all this, and I, at least, will cry “Stop the | to fight in person, is rather funny; could it be carried out, it would be | War!” as loud as I can squeak. Dread of ultimate subjection to | a famous practical joke: especially for ALexanpeR. I say; what will | Russia; horror of slavery, Siberia, and the knout, maintains the war- you take for the cross of the Order of St. Viaprure, which, of course, | like feeling of the country. Speak or write to this question. But no. | you will have received by this time from your Imperial friend ? | You never do. You ignore it almost as quietly as a fact which cannot oa " 7 == be denied or disposed of is ignored by a controversial clergyman. Pee We all hate war as much as you do. J think we are even more alive | PASS 55 200 Se. to the horrors of war—horrors unspeakable!—for our indignation; It is the custom amongst the superior classes of the New Cut, when burns, and yours does not, seemingly, inst the human devils and an evening party is breaking up, for the person who has the care of the | their Prince—who have broken loose, and brought them on the world. | hats and dean to cry out: “ Now, Gentlemen, if you please, your | Horrors of war, indeed! an additional tax of sixpence would have been | Tickets-of-Leave.”

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ea rill se, en the yur | —— Novauser 17, 1855.) PUNCH, CK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 203 JUSTICE WAITING TILL CALLED FOR. “ DESTRUCTION !”

rom being unpleasantly as- their daily bread (the butter is hardly worth speaking of) by the sale of tonished at finding it report- engravings from the pictures of our own ious English artists. Now, ed that, in passing sentence these gentlemen, reasoning doubtless on the most correct principle that, upon one of those “brutal things become the more precious as they become the scarce, have, assault” cases, which are be- for the furtherance of the interests of to lessen the coming really a national dis- ,mnmber of by at least one halfedozen Boys are grace to us :-— valuable, social advantac iw much moe eel If two Moons “Ma. « bad are a great social advantage, ow much more ep p wee ni een Dolls how afwirchly this seivelnie bas Tee carried out. by the punis! y this Nei out broval sscsults gpon women, ber Chopping into little bits, lates of & Waterloa Bangueta™ ies,” Sat sve: herd ef “Tee Btaeat | powers ofall gatste sonver, we have’ no dad Tiga Wn thiaate over soever, we have no hi, 2, wo hard about Gostrpstion of one half of the number *peatalrs a present ing, the value of the fortunate survivors w incaleulab The “full punishment” enhanced. Be this as it may, their fate is ; which the law has prescribed to state, that the chosen victims will not, like the plates, ~ for these cases is considered be first distigured, “ ploughed into wy B plible limes,” to be finally gy to be at most & “cut in pieces by machinery.” No; will be tenderly put out of rather homeopathic dose ; the way; being made to retire at once from business and from life by and the frequency of their means of painless extinetion. occurrence since it has been! Various K.A.’s and A.R.A.’s are pledged to the good work. The given, is a sufficient proof, we |g; painters of “The Primcess and the Pet Guinea-Pigs,” “The think, that it is not severe Ourl Papers,” “Chaos,” “The Unheaved Sigh,” and “The Ungushed enough to act as a preven-| Tear,” with other aim onal distinguished, are mutually bound to | tive. But of course its effi- this act of enlightened destruction. Cards have already been sent to Bn al —— cacy must be much dimin- the unsuspecting victims, to meet the sacrificial artists to a genial _———"_ ished, when those who should | banquet at the Boose and Gridiron. ' administer it shrink from | Feeling very warmly for the success of the attempt, Mr. Pusch would fully doing so: and although some cases may demand a milder treat-| not have risked the publication of the design that, by the sacrifice of ment than others, we will venture to say, that sinee the ti of the the three men, is to enhance the value of the three print-selling sur- act, there have been few which have not merited the full punishment | vivors,—had not Mr. Punch been assured that the work of enlightened it inflicts. : destruction will have been some hours completed before the appearance Now Bow Street is not the least frequented of police-courts, and we of his journal. The mortal banquet will be of the most choice descrip- doubt not, has received at least its average proportion of assault-cases, tion. Professional singers are engaged, and will execute a dirge and a since the law for their prevention has come into force. We are sur-| requiem. Mutes and bearers from Bayntum’s will, om the occasion, prised therefore when we hear its magistrate asserting, that he “has | officiate as waiters. not yet been called upon” for the six months’ hard ur, whieh is! <<< = the sentence he is fully authorised to pass. We are led indeed to | “NOW, BOYS!” know by whom Ma. Jagpuse expects ever to be “called upon” for) NOW, 8!

Can he fancy that a criminal, struck perhaps by the dis-) A yowasr the lives of Celebrated Boys, now being published in a | D - proportion of his punishment to his offence, would spontaneously call; rain Boy's Magazine, we miss the upon the sitting magistrate to double it ? Or has he been waiting all | 3 pw 3 the time since 5! passing of the act, to be called upon by somebody | lame or Jumy Cua ou Boy, whe was coe in 4 mesa. with instructions to direct him when fully to administer it? For our-| It might be made very instructive, and we should like extremely to selves, not inclining to either of these suppositions, we are certainly of write it. The moral would, of course, be very — : “ You must opinion that justice, like charity, is not good for much if it waits till it | not dabble im dirt, like that naughty boy Juamy Gmanam, or else you is called upon. | will eertaimly get into mischief, and be shunned by ali good men.” ay Sones, Saeeee have got the Boys in hand, we t an Old Boy's agazine would at the present moment be a most profitable speculation. Retirement from Parliament. bY nen be = — juvenile ~ agnor ym at .~ YH ” —— Ir is rumoured that, in the event of Siz Cuartes Naren being Atmiraity, aud ob wvernment Offices, m wit returned for Southwark, Six James Granam will make an application — essays — the advantages of Old Age, and proving on the very first day of the re-assembling of the House, to be appointed offic’ ot life ny ish M the gout ve vy pry bene & slep . Steward of the Chiltern Hundreds. e hope there is no trath in the Mi ee. & boy , ol on coud not qi to be popular a above report, as the retirement of Srr James would be lamented by a will snisters, who are oy he yy » that they large class of people, who have been looking forward with the greatest — see merit in a Whig even, unless hig has first turned anxiety to the meeting of Parliament, in the hope that it would con- a. tnbate in no small cous to the amusement one naturally expects at , that festive od of the year. The absence of Siz Jamzs would Dunup on the Money Market. make a deep in our Christmas amusements. 7 ge! ed ue oy Masiet ’s tight. For the life of ys, onae see it. ter what is five, or six, or seven per cent.? Now, if it A Cry from Bathfarnbam. was fifty per cent., the people might ery out And yet I have often Mvxpzx! The soul-defiling Saxon for his impious Iacome Tax, has Paid fifty, sixty, and seventy per cent., and have th t nothing of it. been to that abode of peace, Knoe y Limerick, and seized T have even given as much as eighty per cent. for my bills, and ten per Farner O’Baren’s Cow! Think of that, my countrymen! That’s more Cent. commission into the bargain, and at times have thought myself of Lon» Pataerston’s sacrilege! Think of it, my countrymen, and ¢<tremely lucky to get them done at that rate. On my word, the sereech it to the four winds of heaven, and then howl it to the centre World’s growing mighty particular! Why, if the Bank would only of the earth. The sacrilegious Saxon has seized Farner O’Baizn’s ‘iscount my paper at seven on cent., I would not mind taking one Cow! And this abomination is but a stepping-stone to another; for balf in blacking, and more than that, I would stand « dinner to the val Saxon’s next impiety will be to lay violeut upon te Pors’s Directors al! round! ! AHILL,

Lights and Letters. A TRUTH FOR WINE-DEINESRS. Uxwowren homage has been paid to literature. Gérue’s Life ond Tue best manure for grapes are stones and flints: and this is most Works is published in the morning, and in the evening all the German strange, for you would not it possible to get the rich blood of the ambassadors illuminate! When Litéic Dorrit appears, the nglish grape out of a stone, and we all know it is by no means an easy Ambassador in Paris will, with his wonted courtesy to the genius of his

a , UR precautions, as nervous We have arrived at the knowledge—certain and minute—of the | TAN people, to guard against sur- approaching destruction of three or four distinguished printsellers, | rise, have not prevented us Altogether there are about half-a-dozen intellectual tradesmen who make |

operation to get a bottle of wine out of a Flint ! countrymen, no doubt, set up at least one rushlight !

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| | i | ' PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemser 17, 1855. / PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATIONS TOC SHAKSPEARE. Ophelia, “ There's fennel for you, and colambines.” Hamlet, Act v. Scene 5. EGYPTIAN DARKNESS. ian Hall there has been celebrated a feast of ~o— | worried the weakness of Parliament to pass an Act which permitted ratepayers of cities and towns to establish therein museums and free libraries, at the cost of an impost of a penny in the pound—(there is penny wisdom for you; as if rate- payers were such geese as to pluck themselves),—the Lory Mayor attempted to celebrate one of the Jatter days of his government, by singing swan-like strain (or rather a swan-hopping strain) in praise of knowledge ! Happily, however, there was a Peacock present—Pracock, thedeputy. Now this Peacock is deep in sewers (as testified by the blackness of legs common to the species Peacock), and having much experience in sewage duty, of blind puppies, he was of course the better enabled to speak to the real wants of the young men of the city of London. There was no need of books: besides, how could people with the Emrerorn or Russta on their hands, bother themselves with the educational wants of clerks and shopmen? ‘The interests of 4 were paramount to the cant of knowledge. In a time of war, s may be necessary as paper runs short, for ball i Therefore, Peacock would have no museum, no reading-room, and, if Mrverva’s own ow! bad propounded the motion, the bird of wisdom would have Iw the Darkness. Mra. Ewart | stood no chance against the scream of the vigilant Peacock with, as is But what is to be ex | tails, can hardly be expected to look forw | is vanity.” | wanity, and | carried ; and Peacock, after the fashion of head, and strutteth amazingly. the wont of peacocks, all his eyes about him. . In the Egyptian Hall, Peacock was victorious in Egyptian darkness. of a Peacock? “The tenderness of the pith in his wing and tail-feathers,” says an old writer, “ i proceeding out | of a quill, not an inch long, and soe thin and tender, that for want of | substance and strength they are not so useful as the quill of a crow.” Thus, peacocks are not given to writing; and, carrying eyes on their ard, True it is, that Queen Suepa brought peacocks to Krxe Sotomon ; but we doubt not, only as fiue illustrations of the truth of Sotemon’s sad saying that “all Any way, the civic Peacock screams and says, “ Books is I moves the previous question.” And the question is peacocks, pulleth back tian his and it is a Boot, we should say, that would almost give its soul, if it SALE AT THE SURREY ZOOLOGICAL. We have been rather startled by the announcement of the intended Sale by Auction of our old friends the animals, who have for some ree formed a feature, or rather a collection of very formidable eatures, at the Surrey Zoological Gardens. We understand that this step has been decided on, in consequence of the superior attraction of the Concerts, for it is felt that not even the lion stands a chanee s popularity by the side of such an unri lion as the Movs. ULLIEN. We do not quite understand how the sale is to be managed, and how the respectable auctioneer, Mr. Stevens, of King Street, Covent Garden, proposes to knock down the elephant. It is all very well to talk of bringing the beasts to the hammer; but we tremble for ihe hand that attempts to bring the hyena to the hammer, or to any- thing else that the brute may not have an inclination for. We shail be anxious to see the ogue of the various lots, from the eligible elephant, down to the monkeys, who would probably come under the head of Miscellaneous; and the snakes ich would perhaps {all under the denomination of Sundries. The Brahmin bulls will either be sold at so much per head, or perhaps may be taken by the horns, for the convenience of the purchaser. We sball keep our eye upon the sale, but we shall remain at 4 respectful distance from the various lots, while they are being handed round: for we should be my he Ret a living , our neck ; and we should not be surpri while the auctioneer is soliciting “a advance upon the tiger,” the tiger were to make a sudden and unet- pects advance on the audience, It will be rather difficult to show he lots to advantage, and there are some of them that will scarcely be under sufficient restraint to enable the porters to display them during the continuance of the auctionéer’s eloquence. It is possib that while he describes a lot of monkeys as “going, going,” one oF more of the mischievous brutes may be “ gone ore he is aware of it. Aproros pg sotres.—Italy has often been compared to a Boot— could only see the last of Austria. | Betasagty William yet Te. a8 a 7 eters, at ther Offer in Lom! reet, in the Precinct of Whitefrars, Lesdon.—Satvavat, Novewber 17, i265. t Woburn Place, and Fre lerick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Queen @ Road West, Regent's Park, both im the Parish of St. Pincras, in the County im the City of Londen, and Published by them at (No. 5, Fleet Stree,

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ended some idabie t this ction hance Mons. i, and ovent ell to r the } any- : shall igible r the s fall either hors, | aba anded -s and of ap unex- show arcely them ssible ne oF of it | so0t— |, if it | —— iddieset. p Chy @ NovemsBer 24, 1855.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 205 Youthful Costermonger. “ Now tuex, GUVNER, AVE THE LAST ROPE FOR a PEXNy?” MRS. SWANSDOWN’S WORK-TABLE. A CONVEYANCING LECTURE FOR THE LADIES. “ Steal, foh! the wise do call it convey.” —Shakepeare. CoxverancinG, Ladies, is the machinery by which such property as houses and land is bought, sold, entailed, or pawned. It is the most splendid invention for beggaring the owners of such property, and enriching lawyers, that ever was conceived. It is better than the Court of Chancery, that delight’of mankind. You may think that the subject does not concern you; but indeed it does. Not to speak of young ladies whose fathers are landowners, young ladies whose mar- riage dowry is fri¢htfully diminished by the tremendous expense of settlements and the making out titles (you shall understand this directly, dears), there is scarcely a lady, whose husband is in mode- rately prosperous circumstances, who does not suffer by the system. One would like to buy one’s wife a little house for a birthday present, or a cottage for her summer trip, or a little piece of land to be planted on baby’s birthday, and these things might be done for a reasonable outlay. But not only does the lawyer make the purchase terribly expensive, but the charming system of conveyancing places you in such a condition, that if you happen to want to get your purchase off your hands at any time, the merely showing that you fave a right to do so costs you very nearly the whole value of the property. You will very likely ask some lawyer if this is so, and he will tell you that the state- ment is exaggerated, that some titles are “ difficult,” but that the system is a very beautiful one, Tell him, dears,—or rather say that Mr, Punch told you to tell him—that he is a humbug, and that the system is a swindle. Mr, Punch wishes to give you some idea of the real nature of this beautiful system. So, he will not talk of houses or land, for fear of getting technical (not that you do not grasp the meaning of hard words with a quickness and an accuracy that makes him ashamed of his male pupils) ; but he will illustrate the way in which the Jawyers deal with such matters, by making an ordinary article of lady’s use the subject of a conve yancer s treatment Mrs. Swanspown (ace Marta Goosrycton) bas an old-fashioned W ork-table, beautifnjly painted, and inlaid with silver. It belovged to her grandmother, who received it as a present from the grateful wife of a young officer (afriend of the Pretender’s), to whom Granny, then a romantic young Froma M’lvon, gave shelter after Culloden. Murs. Swanspown’s ee, apa is married ; and her hushand, Mx. Fonpe- SQUAW, Wants to p= is mother-in-law a splendid Epergne in exchange for this Work-table, which his wife, from childish association, desires to possess. All parties are agreed, but (we write as if the two articles ot pa bad acquired the dignity of land) the arrangement must be made »y deeds, on parchment. ‘The lawyers on each side go to work. We will begin with Mrs, Swanspown’s lawyer, who has to prove to the satisfaction of Ma. Fonpiesquaw’s lawyer, that Mas. 8. has a good title tothe Work-table. He makes out an enormous document of a hundred sheets, facetiously called “ Abstract of Title.” ‘The charee for this is very high. He has a copy , and he sends jit to Mar. Gaussy, a conveyancing barrister, in Lincoln’s Inp, to look it over, aud see whether it is fit to be handed over to “the other side.” Mr. G. has a handsome fee, and looks over the title. He returns the document in three weeks or a month, with this kind of observations :— “The title to the Work-table, subject to the following remarks, seems satisfactory. “You must obtain evidence to prove, that the lady who presented it in 1746 had her husband’s permission to do so. “If she is living, I think her declaration to that effect woull do; but, as she was no doubt 20 at the gift, and this is 109 years ao, this would make her 129, and she may therefore be deceased, und her representatives must be sought for. “The letter presenting the table is dated Amiens, in France. See if you can get any evidence of her having been seen to post the letter, a old inhabitant may have heard of a letter being posted in 746. “1 do not think that the Table went through the post ; but, as this depends on French law, obtain the opinion of a Parisian advocate on the subject. (Translate this for me, as I only understand Norman French, such as sur conuzance de droit comme ceo, &e_) “Tf the Table came from France, it ought to have paidduty. Search the Custom House books for 1746, and get a copy of any entry on the subject. “One of the silver ornaments is stated to have been repaired in 1802. You must get the silversmith’s bill for doing this, and show either by receipt or other evidence that it was paid. “ Saran Goosineton, mother of oo Swanspown, had the Table | relined, and a small looking-glass inserted in the inside of the cover. Ascertain whether this was done before her husband bolted to Boulogne, or afterwards, as in the latter case creditors might assert a claim to the silk and the glass. Obtain his schedule, as an insolvent, as it may include the silk-mercer’s bill. “ There is an outlying work-hag, or rag-bag, fastened below the Table, to which no title is shown, and it would seem that the children used to put their playthings in it, and it may be a question whether tenancy in common was not created. Would Mus. Forpiesquaw’s brothers and sisters release their rights herein ? “T cannot identify the emery needle-cushion on the left hand with that originally inserted, and [ think that search slould be made, in case the emery-powder have slipped into the cracks of the wood, and so become incorporated into the freehold. Get evidence as to this, and also as to the sawing out the partition between the cottons and the silks. I donot think that any tenant of the Table was entitled to cut timber. “The Table in the letter is also termed a ‘ Housewife’s Companion.’ This is an outstanding term, but may be coasidered as merged in modern phraseology. “(CGipzos GRUBBY, “ Lincoln's Inn, Now. th.” There, my dears, is a small portion of the profitable work cut out by lawyer for lawver, before a single step is taken in the real arrangement. Mr, Punch will show you, in dae course, how the business weat on. What will Gough Say? Even the Earn or Suarrespury has made a slip, and on his own ground too—HExeter Hal!. His Lordship, in introducing Loup Joun Russets to the Christian Young Men, observed that Loay Joux needed no prefatory explanation, in other words—“ good wine needs no bush.” The Ean. or Suarressury to talk of wine and in Exeter Hall! Gracious goodness! what wil] Ma. Gouen say ? VOL, XXIX. Y

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[(Novemper 24, 1856. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. CONSTANTINE’S DREAM. Scewe—St. Petersburgh. A Private Apartment in the Palace. The Eurenon Avexanpen, the Emrness, and the Grasp Doxe Constantine. (lex. Sebastopol gone ; Kertch and Kinburn too! How cause the ———— to begin ? Sveaborg in ruins; Bomarsund destroy’d ! Would you not first deliver that same Thames Our troops ri: pulsed at Kars, and now again A prey to the devouring e In battle worsted hy Oman Pacna! Const. Although | might not set the Thames on fire, One almost might suppose our cause unjust, I might and would burn the Lonp Mayor alive, And a just Power to over-rule the world. And slowly roast the Aldermen to What ’s to be done ? Chop Goe and Macoe into little bits, Empress. Peace made. Slit up the nose of Viscount PaLMeRstToy, Const. Pooh! Madam, Pooh! Ana by the roots tear out the tongue of Punch. Excuse me—but the very name of peace Biow up the Tower, and leave not of St. Paul’s Inflames me with ungovernable rage. A stone upon a stone; | kewise destroy Peace is submission : sooner than submit Wes'minster Abbey, and the Houses raze Let us take poison all, or cut our throats ; Of Parliament : the National Gallery, Disaster desperation «hould inspire ; British Museum, and the Post \ Ah, Sire, my brother! had | but my way Buckingham Palace, also, I would knock | know what | would do. About their ears who would not be, I hope, Alex, What wouldst thou do ? At Balmoral, or Osborne. Oh! games, Const. No longer let our navy skulk beneath lo wrap Great Britain’s capital in flames! Yon walls of stone with cannon fortified ; ; Empress. Ob! Constantine, how stupidly you talk! But, on some favouring and foggy night, What ! risk our fleet and twenty thousand men, Break, or elude, the Anglo-French blockade. Leaving St. Petersburg without defence ? Alex, Unto what end, good brother ? Don’t listen to him, AL’xX«NDER, dear. Const. Marry, this ;— Alex, Brother, your scheme of daring and of dash Some twenty thousand soldiers to conve The merit has, no doubt—but it is-rash. With whom we would ascend the River Thames, We fear the enterprise would not suce-ed, As once the Dutchmen did: then London burn: We think it hazardous—we do, indeed. Which could we do, [ should not care, although Yet London ’twere a glorious thing to burn. We perish’d in the ruins. Well, well, the matter in our mind we’!} tarn. Empress. How commence ? Scene closes. Zax LAA: ie gs i ENCOURAGEMENT OF NATIVE TALENT. | DEFINITIONS. Awonc the exhibitors at the French Exposition of Industry, twenty- BY A DISAPPOINTED MAN. four Englishmen out of two hundred and fifty-four persons, have received | the decoration of the Legion of Honour; end the Times correspoudent Love. A Subject with poets for a song, and frequently not worth at Paris says :— one Mosic. The signal for talking in a drawing-room, during which you an Ot ies = ones - to penn am ey 3 doubt y~¥ ~ the oom hear the words of « very one but the person who is singing. on oO igh previously, and me t a . ) 1 « poo of € sokueanier cuntuned boy te _ PE a ee MapMAN. Any one who differs from us. ° Doctor. One who kills us to-day to prevent us dying to-morrow. We have reason for stating that a Cabinet Council will be imme- Canp. What a tradesman gives when he wants your custom, and 4 diately convened for the purpose of taking into consideration the gentleman wien he wan s your life. expediency of forthwith une on Proresson Farapay the Order Yourn. Anything under a wig. of the Bath, lest it should seem, that in consequence of the neglect of My pear, my Love. The commencement of a quarrel between man the British Government to encourage Science, the Empgror Napoteon and wife. has felt himself obliged to take that office on himself. Whilst our! Heanrrs. Little red things, that men and women play with for money. | rulers are about it, perhaps, they will also knight a few more philo’ reap anp Cueese. The pretence with a rich man for accumulating sophers—if the philosophers will accept the knighthood. a fortune—and which is about the last thing you ever see at his table. up his respec engage Wo go | We unlike snow, jet of and d: Witnes We h Blo a cert forma * Pall and sr Guru for th have | red ff like v

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| 855. Novemper 24, 1855.1 \NTINE, worth ) you and & man oney. | ating ble. THE JULLIEN ARA. HE JuLiren Ara is always a most important one in the annals of Metro. politan amusement, and there is as much exci'e- ment in London at the mgr of the musical Mows. as there is at Eton on the advent of the Montem. It is an idle dream to talk of heaping Pelion upon Ossa, and hoisting both upon Olympus, but it is an ann achiev: ment to pile up a series of summits (the tops of their profession) on a -ort of Alpine orchestra, and to crown the whole with the Mows. J otiien. For the present season we must look at him in the light of Jutiren the Apostate, for he has re- nounced his old temple at Drury Lane, and set ap his shrine at the Covent Garden Opera. The change is in every respect for the better, and as Drury Lane, in consequence of a prior engagement, cannot go to the Mons., it is quite right of the Mons to go to the Italian Opera. We were happy to find that our Mons.—the Monarch of Music unlike the Monarch of Mountains, is not yet crowned with a diadem o snow, for his luxurious locks retain all their ancient resemblance to th jet of the most brilliant blacking. His hair has, in fact, all the dark and dazzling polish of other Days and Maxtins, and it is delightful to witness the freshness and vivacity with whic! he still wields the Jaton We have, however, a crow to pick with the Mons :-— Blood. Bluster, and Bluefire was once given as the title and type of acertain drama. What name shall he given to M. Ju.iren’s last per- formance? He has broug!it out a Quadrille, the theme whe: cof is the “Fall of Sebastopol,” and the music whereof, to which we are to dance and smirk, and flirt, is intended to represent the various noises hear duriug the final struggle. We are unaware whether it is yet published for the pianoforte, but im due course the young ladies will no doubt have it, with a splendidly fiery frontispiece, representing Seb«stopol in red flames, and in the fureground some adorable officers (with wasp- lke waists) raising the stz ds of the Allies. For Art-pictorial and Art-musical are sisters. Looking at the programme with a practical eye, and a recollection of divers First Sets, and the duty to be done therein, we seem to see a little difficulty in the way of any eight or sixteen couples who may call out for “The Sebastopols.” Oue of the subjects is “ Dialogue of the Chiefs during the passing the banks of the beautiful Tehernaya.” This might possibly be adapted to the dialogue of the partners during the performance of the beautiful pas seul. “The cavalry gradually dis- appears,” may be a hint to a gentleman to hope that a lady's hoarseness is going off. But after the business begins in earnest, and the | hemes, 80 appropriate to a ball-room or theatre (whereis scarcely an ind vidual who has not mourned relative or friend lost in the fray now set tothe fiddles) are being fairly worked out—when the French “ rush with the rapidity of an eagle,” and the “gallamt Euglish falle by hundreds, and die like heroes”—we do not see how the setting, and turning, and ladies’ chain illustrate the subject. Nor, though “the roar of the eannon, the whis'ling of the bullets, the cries of the fugitives, and the ships blown intw the air,” may, aceording to M. JuLiien’s charming p)ra- seology, “form an Awful Féte,” (does he mean a pun?) it does nt eeu ex cily afte dansante. Then, too, in the finale, “a soldier mortall) wound: d, is borne up a hill and prays,” &c., at length “ dying happy ;” 4 subject, which must, one would think, be treated in slow time; and 4 little out of place in the galop at the end of the Quadrille; nor should we care to hear “ Now, then, Mortally Wounded, all round.” Such a theme for a Quadrille must surely have been selected in defererce to the gents who acted as jackals to the swell-mob on the opening night of M. Jutiren’s Concerts. English society has not yet learned to like its Quadrille music mixed up with biood, and groans, and tears, and must condemn the bad taste that found in the ter:ible incidents of a siege the materials for an Awful Féte. Nothing can be more perfect than the manner in whic) JULLIeN eeps his excellent orchestra together, but there are many imperfec- tions in the way in which he—or rather bis servants—get his audience together ; for there is a want of harmony between the seats in the : PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 207 theatre and the plan in the box-office. Having taken your places for a party, who are all placed together according to the plan in the booking-office, you may find yourselves all scattered when you get into the house; and thus, some of the tenderest ties in life—those of husband and wife, or father and child—are, for one evening at least, most cruelly severed. The Mows., in spite of his exaltation, is always ready to stoop to meet the wishes of the public ; and a nod of his head — prubably be sufficient to remedy the evil we have pointed out to im. HOMILIES AND HOAXES. wee used to be a greatdeal said about “wolves in sheep's clothing” —the wolf of that species meaning a bad style of clergyman. We do not hear so much of these wolves now: there are one or two to be met with here and there ; for instance on certain County Benches; but it may be hoped that this breed of wolves will soon become as ex tinct in these dominions as the fourfoo'ed. If, however, clerical wolves are scarce, there is no great lack, apparently, of another sort of ecclesi- astical animals. Witness the following advertise- ment, extracted from the Times :— AD CLERUM. NEW LITURGICAL ISSUE +3 by the Author and Editor of “The Churehman's Suoday Evenings at Home,” “The Devout Ubarchman,’ “ Sermons for ®undays and Holy Days,” &c. The Rev. ALexanpen Warsox, A.M, having been often applied to by his brethien in connection with the subject of the present advertisement, now invites attention to @ proposal for the circulation of a limited nomber of a course of manuscript sermons adapted to the Divinely ordered system of the Church's Kitual; viz a set for one year of manuscript sermons setting forth the faith an! practice of the Christian man in exact aceordanes with the Divinely appointed order of the Chureh’s Aunual Cycle. Here we pause ; for at this point the existence of those other animals than wolves among the clergy becomes ifest. It is evident that there are a great many donkeys in holy orders; donkeys so stupid and so lazy as to be either unable or unwilling even to write their own sermons. Me. Watson has “been offen applied to by his brethren in connection with the subject” of having that work done for them. He displays some humility, to be sure, in owning them his brethren—in fraternising with such a long-eared kind of parsons. But let him now proceed—the issue of his cut-and-dried spiritual provender is “To be continued annually, until each portion of the Liturgical Services for each Sunday and Holy Day shall have been lilustrated and their united scope enforced The advertiser is ready to issue the first number of the above series in time for the ensuing Advent Sunday, with sermons for the Saint's day which fixes the date of Advent Sunday, if he reevives the names & sufficient number of subscribers to protect him from loss before November 23rd, 1865. Terms for the first series, seven guineas per anoum, paid in advance, or the Sunday sermous may be liad separately, price five guineas; and those for Holy Days, price three guineas. Only a limited number of copies of each series will be put in cireulation, due regard being had to the number issued in any one neighbourhvod ; and where desired the strictest secresy will be observed. The sermons will be sent post free in packets of a season, or 4 month, as the case may be. Subseribers’ names, with particulars of remittance, to be for warded,” &c., &c. What business has a jackass, who is such an ass tLat he cannot compose his own sermons, in the pulpit? The only assignable excuse for his oceupaney of that position is, that he is gifted with a peculiarly impressive bray, a persuasive and solemn hee-haw: insomuch that the truths worded by the wisdom of other men “fall mended from his tongue.” Be it so; but let the donkey stand there professedly for what he is, to bray, simply, in an edifyimg manner: to read the Rev. Mr. Watson, or the Rev. Mr. Punch, as condescending Noblemen and Gentlemen sometimes read Suaksreare at Mechanics’ Institutes. It is a swindle on the part of a preacher to palm off somebody else’s sermou as his own; and besides being an ass, as a‘oresaid, the utterer of such a dise :urse is the utterer of spiritual forged notes; a reverend impostor, an ordained cheat, and a cons: crated humbug. Of course Ma. Watson has as much right to sell sermons as Mr. Punch has to se)l jokes. But what if Mr. Punch were to publish a series of manuscript conundrums, for the express purpose of enabling dunces to palm themselves off on society as wits? Would not Mr. Punch, ‘he \ayman, incur rather general contempt? How much more contempt would the Kev. Mr. Punch incur by publishing sermons for the analogous purpose of abetting asses in the personation of divines. Of course the object of the publication of these sermons in manu- script is to cause them to be mistaken fr the preacher’s own compo- sitions: to make believed the thing which is not. Therefore “ Rie regard will be had to the number issued in any one neighbourhood.” Of course; to preelude the possibility of the delivery of one of these “crib” compositions being occasionally interrupted by a cry of “ Hailoa !—we heard that in t’other churcs this morning.”” No duubt, “ the strictest secresy will be observed.” The Party will keep dark about the Plant. A very pretty system this, certaimly, for preaching the Truth

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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemmer 24, 1855, COMPANION TO THE LATCH-KEY. Iv anybody happens to be returning to his abode late at night, or early in the morning, in or about London, what course is he to pursue? That of going straight home, if possible, appears to be the obvious answer to this question. There are two other courses, however, open to the belated individual. One of these is that of taking a cab, and the other is that of carrying a revolver. If the former is not adopted, the latter should be; for the unarmed nocturnal pedestrian in this metropolis runs a very considerable risk of becoming the subject of a garotte ry. A cab will Peo bim from the footpad, but it will not protect him the cabman ; and as the price of a revolver would be } soon made up by the saving of extortionate cab-hire, whilst | the weapon would remain to be shown and used if necessary, Ag! | | therefore it would come cheaper than the vehicle in the ; MA yi : jend. If the aid of the Police could be depended upon at | \ | , : eall, there would be no necessity for eitber, but under Wt . J eXisting circumstances one or the other is indispensable. JS \ ' \ . For the reason just stated, we prefer the revolver, and » \9 | pending the omelitention of police arrangements, recom- y koe = ; | muend it as a constant companion to the latch-key. _ — | —————— a oe 33 MILITARY REVIEW. ef ‘a > F. M. Parsce ALBERT passed in review, on Thursday last, , a . "5 ™ ' ‘ the Prixce or Waxzs’s Infantry, in the back nursery of Buckingham Palace. The force, which was drawn out in battle array one deep on the slate of His Royal Highness, consisted of balf: a squadron of wooden cavalry (the “ Spotted Reds oS and a full battalion of tin infantry (the “Painted Flats”). The latter excited great interest, as ‘hey had only the day before been rescued from a fierce | lire, in the midst of which they must have perished to a man, by the Royal nurse discovering them just in time in the thick of the coal-scuttle. The troops were put through their several evolutions by His Royal Highnees, assisted in the most playful manner by his little brothers and sisters, /and were alterwards complimented by F. M. the Prince upon their neat and soldier-like appearance. PRUDENT RESOLVE. At the termination of the review, fresh colours were presented to a veteram Sergeant, who had become | Little Party. “Go asp walk ts Hrpe Park? Om, an!—I pessay !—ayp cet qnite pale in the face from falling accidentally mto the | reLTgD ror 4 Haarstoceat’—No toayk ’g—Nor w I xyow ir.” water-jug. THE UNCIVIL CIVIL SERVICE. | THE RE-“ PUBLIC” OF LETTERS. F we are to believe its own state- ments, there is no journal so well informed on ail Ministerial as our contemporary the Morning Advertiser, who 30 foamingly and characteristically represents the “head” of the great beer interest. Ii is, perhaps, natural that a mixed Government like the present one, should adopt as its representative in the press, a journal with which half-and-half is closely identified. The Morning Advertiser, accordingly, professes It is a subject of very general remark, that it is difficult to find a subordinate in the Civil Service who has got a civil tongue in his head. ‘The Post-office authorities have bit upon a happy expedient at the Money Order Office in Charing Cross, where written directions are placed in front of the bars, behind which the bears are to be heard growling out their indistinct replies to any question that may be addressed to them. We recommend every one who applies for a money-order at Charing Cross to read the written directions, if he wishes to avoid the suriiness and snappishness to which he will pro- bably be exposed, if he ventures to = one of the Civil servants a civil juestion. We strongly recommend the adoption of the same system at other Government offices ; for there is undoubtedly much more polite- ness in printer’s ink—notwithstanding its black looks—than is generally | to be met with from the lips of official underlings. Perhaps their pay | may be unreasonably low, but we are quite sure that the public would, to make itself the organ—the not object to the “ two-pence more,” which, according to the old anee- | wD great beer-barrel organ—of all the dote, is the normal price at which instruction in manners may be | movements and intentions of the acquired, Ministry. We can fully under- - : oe | stand the plausibility of the assumption by which the literary embodi- / | ment of the tap asserts its acquaintance with everything that is on the STOPPAGE OF THE 71YE£S. tap-t. We do not know whetber the writers of the Morning Advertiser We read in the ecstatic Post that— }are admitted to the society of the Premier ; but, if anyone could draw him out, or draw him off, it would, probably, be some one cognisant | “Ata meeting of the Oxford Union Debating Society, held on Monday night, the | of the bar-practice of the publicans. subject under consideration was, ‘That the Times baa deserved weil of this coustry.’ | To this an amendment was proposed, ‘That the 7imes exereisas a pernicions infiu- | ence, and is unworthy of our sympathies, which was carried by a majority of 6—the numbers being 28 to 22.” | THE TWO MOST FORMIDABLE THREATS IN THE WORLD. 1. “ I’ll write to the Times.” 2. “1’ll send that to Punch.” In consequence of this important decision, we are requested to state, that the proprietors of the Times will continue that journal so long only , as is necessary to keep faith with subscribers who have paid in advance It will then be discontinued, in obedience to the fiat of the above 28 Fresu rrom THE Puwe.—Mar. J. B. Murr, the celebrated Water- ] | Oxford lads, and its connection (somewhat a large one) will be | drinker and Lecturer, when he talks of bis children, always alludes to divided, it is supposed, between the Morning Herald and the Poultry | them, in the most affecting manner, as his dear little “teetotal pledges Chronicl of affection.” a Id f a IW AVW “IVUANAD “ASV r c e 5 T1¥ 41¥d LINGAODUN KO ANOH OD OL GAVAT AAVH SdVHO UAHLO ASAHL GNV rt «SUlvaidyv

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55. ute at what me, if . ston. lated - / - d the } Ny j 2 ee > j — - > Bot > Y urnai >] e risk - D will 2 4). Z id be = v hilst = say, _— n he . On at 2 under bm Sp, Sabie. a Zs a r last, ret ry ot @ GG) ut in a on ness, fo} —_— (the 3 a (the =n] — it, as a = |j _2 a j fierce a to a a = f me in > ) ough | sisted 2 “a A sters, ~— 1) * = | Tince > — lily ae ZR » j - j ater- | es to *“HONOd HHL U0 NZAON— JHUVAINVHO NOCGNO'I

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7 Novemser 24, ETIQUETTE FOR THEATRICAL CRITICS. ~ HE great success of the various little! books for teaching good manners to! everybody, and the great quantity of good manners which are prevalent in conse- } quence of the study of those works, have imduced Mr. Punch to put together a few hints for the use of theatrical critics, in order that the rising generation of writers of that class may not be behind their age. He has based these hints upon very careful examination of the dramatic and musical notices by the most distinguished crities of the day, and he can assure the young gentlemen who are training for the judicial function (in so far as such a trifle as sitting in judgment may be held to require training) that they will be perfectly safe in following accredited | models. In noticing an opera, or other musical work, never say that the noise was unbearable: say that the composer displayed his ability of developing to the full all the resources of the orchestra. f an actor is an abominable stick, do not use so coarse an ex- pression: say that he rendered the part intellectually, rather than | theatrically. | When an author produces a dull, stupid play, full of prosy talk ' instead of action: say that the literary element somewhat predominated over the dramatic. , , When an actor rants like a maniac’: say that he avails himself of his singular physical advantages, with a determination that shows he has formed, and can adhere to, a definite idea of the traditions of | melodrama. When an author writes the baldest of balderdash, without a poetical phrase or a pointed repartee, and merely works up to hack “ situa- tions:” say that if somewhat conventional, the structure of the | drama shows that the writer has much experience, and has studied the exigences of the stage. If an actor takes a part for which he is physically unfitted, and of which he makes an atrocious mull: s»y that he exerted himself credit- ably, but would, perhaps, not have been less welcome to the audience, in a character more akin to his ordinary personations. When a new pr duction or revival is all gilt gingerbread and up- holstery: say that the splendour of the spectacle left you little time for the ungracious consideration that, had the drama been stronger, the whole affair would have been faultless. When, on the other hand, it is got up ina skimping, beggarly manner, with no attention either to effect or to accuracy: say that the manager relied, and not in vain, upon the intrinsic merits, or long established popularity of the drama itself, and appealed to the intellect rather than to the eye, | When atheatre is chock full of “double orders,” whose bearers are sent to clap and stamp from the rise of the curtain to its fall: say that the favourable verdict of a first night is sometimes qualified, subse- quently ; but that there could be no doubt of the enthusiasm manifest: d throughout the whole performance. If, again, the theatre is half empty, and the piece falls flat: say that no factitious excitement had been sought to be created, and that the silent attention with which the drama was received, must have been eminently gratifying to the author, and to actors who desire to be really a Ty" rather than — applauded. f an author has stolen a French piece bodily, and merely upset it out of good French into bad English: say that his object was to set before the London public a faithful transcript of what is enchanting the playgoers of Paris. ie contraire, (as he would write) he “adapts” it, that is to say, he changes M. Duront into Ma. Suirn, Coqguenicor into Sam Syoees, and the Bal Mabille into Cremorne: say that the felicitous mode in which he has transplanted scene and characters almost entitles him to the honours of originality. And, in a word, contrive, by avoiding all straightforward expression of opinion, to escape the one great crime, the “giving offence.” So shall actors, authors, composers, and managers “nod to you and do you courtesies,” and so shall you be declared “an exceedingly fair and liberal critic.” Spiteful Parody made by Edwin at Intervals during the Quarter of an Hour between his being told that Angelina would be down in a Minute, and his getting her over the Door-step. Tuts thought ’s eternal in a husband’s breast,— Wives never are, but always to be, drest. 1855.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 211 A VOICE FROM THE VAN. Tur final Old Bailey defence has been made ; The final Old Bailey fee has been paid; On the final gaol-bird sentence has past, And the Old Bailey session is over at last. rhe Pentonville Van at Newgate stair, Has received its freight of felon fare, And rolls on its way through London’s roar, With a blue on the box, and a blue at the door. In each of three cells of that Pentonville Van, Is sitting a highly respectable man, All snug and smooth, and one of the three | With an unctuous mask of piety— And each as he jolts on his narrow shelf, Is communing nervously thus with himself: “ Here’s business and gentility, and Christian humility ! Srranay, Pavt, and Bates, whose awful fates have shock’d respecta- | bility. Whose deoens gig, so trim and trig, now lies a wreck most sealey, | From having met a sad upset at the bar of the Old Bailey. Down in the dirt, with serious hurt to its inmates, hath sunk low, Beneath the thaw of equal Law the ancient house of Syow ! “ What little bird will tell us, shall we go in black and yellows ? Wear prison slops and prison crops, like our felonious fellows ? Be forced to swallow ‘ skilly,’ and warm ourselves when chilly With a turn at the crank, or the treadmill, willy-nilly. Must our friends,—humiliating !—if they call, call through a grating, Accompanied obfgato by Policeman X in waiting. In short, will our gentility and late respectability, Procure for us attention and something like civility ; Or will justices and Home Office, cow’d by the Press that flout us, Put us upon the level of the wretches round about us ? ” Then to Bares, the man of business, said Srranan the man of pleasure, | “Tn Pentonville, nor crank nor wheel, employs the prisoners’ leisure, Each in his cell, the convicts dwell and find their sole enjoyment In weaving, cobbling, tailoring, or other mean employment. These vulgar ways of killing time may suit what’s call’d the masses, But they ne’er were meant for convicts of the superior classes. No craft is ours to cheat the hours, yet as men of business training, The whole day long in |aziness we can’t think of remaining. You know who will find mischief still for idle hands ‘o do; So say, my friend, how you intend, to get the twelve hours through.” Then ‘o Stranay, the man of pleasure, said Bates the man of business» “ T can’t say that, on that head, L feel the least uneasiness. Making a mat or coat or hat, true [ don’t know the way to, But there is one kind of industry that | am quite aw fast to. Familiar with every form of extensive cash transaction, In keeping of the prison-books I shal] sure give satisfaction.” But pious Pave a groan let fall, \ike a wheezy pair of bellows, As that babe of grace reproved his brace of carnal-minded fellows. * A heathen Turk might talk of work in our sad situation,— L’ll spend my days in prayer and praise, and pious meditation : I’ll ask to be flogg’d privately, as out of use the lash is ; For a suit of sackcloth I’|) apply, and a skuttle full of ashes. ; The storm that breaks the stubborn oak still spares the pliant sapling; | And now-a-days there’s nothing pays like gammoning the chaplin. It’s very queer if, e’er a year is out, my repen! ance Haven’t purchased from the Home Office remission of my sentence ; In Pentonville I really feel none but sinners long need lodge, my friends ; | So, if you can, adopt my plan, and come the pious dodge, my friends.” LORD JOHN AT CONFESSION. Loxp Jouy Russet has been lecturing the young men at Exeter | Hall on the subject of “the Obstacles to Moral and Politieal Pro ‘y He attributed many of the “obstacles” in question to the conduct of | governments, and as he has been for a considerable portion of his life a member of a government, his lecture must be regarded as a confession of his own obstructiveness. There was something of satire in the observation of the Hoy. and Rev. Mowtaeue Viviiens, that “ ev act of Loxp Joun Kussziw’s life had been of service to his country. We presume that his repeated acts of resignation are included in the serviceable doings of the Noble Ex-Premier, and Ex-Secretary of State for every department. Fricutrvut Deata.—The poor unfortunate Mouse, that was found nibbling at Dx. Cantiy’s manuscript, died of poison the next day ! ie

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ee ST gE tne 0 ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Novemegr 24, 18 5, JONATHAN A PEACE-MAKER. It is avonched in the New York Herald, that an ambassador from Russia will soon arrive at Washington to ask “the United States to mediate between Russia and the Allies.” We are afraid that this mediation would be very like playing train-oil on a house on fire. Again, JONATHAN cares not to interfere for the mere unprofitable love of peace-making; being very much of the philosophic mind of the poet, as | rendered years ago by CARLYLE: “ This is neither my bread, nor my cake, Why mix myself with other folks charges ; The fish all swim at peace in the lake, And take no heed of the boats and the barges.” Now Uncre Samis much of this opinion. His own jobnny-cakes are preferred to cabinet-pud- dings ; and bis own bread to any other loaf,—his chief care to have it very thickly buttered. Fit Locality. WE beg to congratulate Lorp Jonny Rousseir npon the selection of the platform from which he delivered his Lecture upon the “Obstacles which haveretarded Moral and Political Liberty,” The zeal that Exeter Hall has always howttle advocating and advancing every kind of liberty, moral and political as well as religious, is so well known, that a better locality could not possibly PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE. Enter Mania and Clown. Maria, “ Put on this gown and this beard; make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate.” Twelfth Night, Act iv., Scene 2. Aw interesting Lecture was delivered yesterday at the Pumpwater Young Men’s Mutual Instruction Society by Lonp Fitz-MounTEBay«k, on the subject of Entomology. The noble lord prefaced his observations on the subject-matter of his discourse by the expression of his sense of inadequacy to the task which he had undertaken. Tbe term Entomology was derived from the Greek, and meant “talk about insects.” It might be said that insects were small things; but it was no small thing to talk about them. Insects, from the remotest times, had attracted the attention of pbi- losophers. AxistotLe bad penned some valuable observations on them | which were unfortunately lost. There were good grounds also for believing that Pursy tue Exvper had written much that was highly | important on the subject of insects. Insects were well known to the Egyptians; the beetle was an insect, and the Egyptians worshipped | beetles. ‘To worship a black beetle was ridiculous; but was it not quite as absurd to worship Mammon? Those who lived in glass-houses should not throw stones, although it was to be admitted that the Crystal Palace at Sydenham was a marvellous edifice. The web of the spider was a wonderful contrivance, and its meshes were, to the con- templative mind, suggestive of the arts of diplomacy. No one could look at an ant’s nest without having miedo a | = him the idea of an in- dustrious community, and a community not only industrious but sober. Now let them compare the ant with the fly. The fly was always etting into liquor, and the consequence, a premature termination of 2a career. ‘The blae-bottle was a warning; the bee an example. The early bird picked upthe worm, The tardy locomotion of the snail and the slug might remind them of the old coaches, though they might zlso, perhaps, be suggestive of Parliamentary trains, and possibly of Parliamentary proceediogs. A species of caterpillar produced silk, in the state of raw material, and, so far, resembling a leg of mutton as delivered by the butcher. The earwig was an insect to which might be applied the proverb current respecting dogs—* give a dog an ill-name and hang him.” The earwig did not, as the vulgar belief was, craw! through people’s ears into their brains. This, if he might be pardoned the observation, was a maggot. ‘The chirp of the cricket on the hearth had been described as singularly yey and he dared say it was, but, in the position which it was his lot to occupy, that music was seldom heard. No station, however, could exempt any man from the attacks of insects, the names of which it were best to pass over in silence; yet have been selected for the purpose. If there is ) a building in London that has, througbout the whole of its long tolerant career, been less of an obstacle in the way particularised, we should say it was decidedly Exeter Hall. It is quite a Temple of Liberty, and Lorp Jon is in every sense worthy to be its Prophet ! thus much he would say, that he hoped our enemies the Russians, besides the infestations to which they were habituated, would, each of them, at the conclusion of the stupendous contest in which they are engaged with us, find himself with what is popularly termed “a flea in his ear.’ The Noble Lord, on resuming his seat, was loudly cheered. SONG OF THE TICKET-OF-LEAVE MAN. M1» prisons and colonies though we may roam, Ven you ’ve served out your time, vy! there’s no place like home. The patter of pals makes a jollity there, Vich seek through the vorld is ne’er met with elsewhere. Home! Home! &c. An exile from home, freedom dazzles in vain ; Oh, give me my Pentonwille quarters again. The gaol birds who come at the Governor’s call, Give me them with that ticket-o’-leave dearer than all. Home! Home! &c. A Villanous Name. In the French news of one of the daily journals, lately, we were astonished by reading that— “ The Expenon yesterday received at the Palace of St. Cloud, Court Vicar Tus Fovsrsents, Belgian Minister of Foreign Affairs.” Vitars tHe Fourterxta!—fourteen Vitarss—a long line of Virarss, truly; illustrious perhaps for their actions ; but certainly of rather ill name. A Vitatn, however, should be a good ambassador, according to the time-honoured definition of one—“ a man sent abroad to lie for the good of the state.” PINE NAP FOR NAPIER. Certarn working hatters have presented a gold-hound Admiral’s hat of the very finest nap to Str Cuartes Napier! It is said Cuanver | is determined to present the hat at full cock in the face of Sir James GRAHAM. FeF®oagansepeorossc

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shat to like ain, ere ery His ud- his > of are in ig of of ue] at Ss Novemper 24, 1855.) PUNCH, OR THE L A FEW OF THE OBSTACLES WHICH HAVE RETARDED MORAL AND POLITICAL Jonny in itism that Again, that the SELL, Or @ defence of their country. Not less disastrous in its results is the obstacle of confiding the honour of England at series of minutes, which have always been rather foreign courts to the care of gambling boys and fiddle-playing noblemen, who lessen the irregular. | LITERARY INTELLIGENCE. | (From our own Clairvoyant.) | With the exception of the birth of Mr. Macavtay’s twin volames, Ever anxious to maintain gur position as the leading journal of lite- | Our historical novel readers have just now not much to look for. Those, | however, who take pleasure in narratives of suffering may expect to rature (as of everything else), we have succeeded lately in completing an arrangement, which we consider will be very highly calculated to support our supre . With our usual utter’regardlessness of expense, where the interests of the public (and our own) are at stake, we have secured the services of an eminent Clairvoyant, whose assistance, we anticipate, will enable us, from time to time, to see into the middle of the literary next week. We shall thus have the power of forestalling the announcements of the Grub Street gobemouches, and of dealing a death-blow to those puffs of the publishers, by which the pubiic first gets wind of new forthcoming works. That our intelligence will always be most thoroughly exclusive may be inferred, we fancy, from the sample we intend at once to furnish : for we think we may with confidence assure our readers, that of the books we are now privileged to promise them, not a single one has yet been even thought of by the writer. In authorship, however, as well as in conveyancing, it is a matter of extreme importance now-a-days to make a good title; for it has been ascertained that a large class of readers may be caught by one as readily as a plebeian millionnaire. It | will, therefore, be as clear as Thames’ water (which we take to be the current synonym for mud at present) that, when a work has gained a share of popularity, its writer thinks it policy to follow up the hit: and a titular iary amean as sure a sequitur as is the nightmare to a supper off pork-chops. Ve imagine, then, the public will have little cause for wonder, if the pen which lately furnished us with Notes on Noses should be nibbed afresh for writing us some Letters upon Lips ; vor, we apprehend, wil! The Tulip and the Drome be found deserving of less notice than The Lily and the Bee. Yn connection also with this latter insect we are re- minded, by a natural transition of ideas, that 4 Jar of Honey from Mount | Hybla might be followed very aptly by 4 Pot of Pickles from Snow Hill. We cannot promise much addition just at present to our illustrated | literature: but it would not much astonish us if the hand which lately | inted those Purple Tints from Paris should depict in like manner a ew Yellow Fogs from London, a description of which, to be at all a truthful one, could not weil be too highly coloured. Neither should we | be surprised if the Fidyets of Miss Fussington were found as entertaining HE following obstacles were re a ey in the distribution H a oo by Lorp of all Government favours. ° er | sepoeceutitien aed the rr oa There is the great obstacle in | nies, such as your Sunday Boer Bilis, aud the the non- jon of Heform observance of in Sabbath There are, also, —an obs whieh is always the Whi ‘ory parties, who have always thrown in the way by LoD | bee power, instead : sous hinted. Delon’ Deas for the’ webfare of thar country. iia the Hea ele Lcd enining | “To°the sbovestuight be ‘added ‘the absurd to remove the obstacte “Next obstacle ear.” And we all know that | ever umtlictly "bon the latter, Loxp Joux “ Next year” i. the politica] | Would interpretation of what promise- | times as. ' re — breakers call “To-morrow.” a beginning would have promised much to miti Another obstacle is the favour. | S8t¢ the evil. tion of imbecile Lords as our Ministers—a Pee being ap- | THE SOMERSET HOUSE CLOCK AGAIN. parently the very best Title a man can show for office, WE understand there is some rey 3 among to this reins of power in the hands of a | the few Whig and Tory families—it out of employ, and the works are at a stend- being long a favourite delusion | still, It is believed that-when the case of the be safe unless a Grey, or a Rus- | will be found to be on the wrong side. We Another obstacle, just as mis- | can be claimed for the Clock, which has chievous. in its cts, is the — appointment of old women as it is true that the meeting of the hands at our Commanders and Admirals, twelve led to a strike, there is a great deal that who, poor fellows, are prevented by the infirmity of gout from standing up even in the is wrong on the face ot it. No books have | writer will reveal a few of the privations he has suffered since the time | of his promotion from the ranks of the working clergy. This record of | ONDON CHARIVARI. 213 prestige of our country by the mummeries they | are guilty of abroad. | * LIBERTY. There are other little obstacles, that Lorp Jon might earsorily have touched upon, such Our mock Field- Lecture at Exeter Marshals, who have never smelt powder, except leads to the nomina- ==- — under there is leaving ie | hoqaetins i inding-up Act. At present the hands are titution would not | Clock is thoroughly looked into, the balance Dexsy was driving it. | really cannot help thinking, that very little indul- allowed to take its own,time; and though been kept, and there is nothing to show but a as the lately published Provocations of Madame Palissy ; while, as a statistical work, the Lexicon of Lemons might appropriately follow the Dictionary of Dates. find one soon in the Confessions of a Bishop, im which, it is believed, the episcopal experience will have a second title of Smoothing it in the Lawn, in autithesis to the widely known Roughing it in the Bush, AN UNPARDONABLE OMISSION. R. Giapstowe, in his. Lecture on the “ Colonies,” | said, that of the topies ealled forth on this subject, | i, he might 4 “ Mention the discovery of gold in Australia —the laws that t govern and regulate em’ tion—the history of negro slavery, and the means by whieh it had been brought to an end—che ” ‘treatment of the aboriginal tribes in the various settlements - of this great empire—and to name but one more, the transpor- tation of criminals to our distant possessions.’ . We think Ma. Giapstoxs might have mentioned still one more topic; and, considering that it was he thought evidently uppermost in his mind, it is surprising to us how the talented lecturer so care- | fully omitted all allusion to it. The topic we refer | tois, “Tux Arrorntwent or Ma. Giapstone as Munister ror tae Coronies.” He might have ‘ divided it into three heads :—the past, the present & \/ \ and the future. Mr. Grapstows has been Eclonial a, Minister; and,curiouslyenough at the very ‘ime of the Lecture, England was wi'hout « Colonial Minis- ter! So, without disparagement tothe vacancy, Ma. Giapstone might have fitted the three heads of iis diseourse in such an in‘crential manner, as to allow them to fall gracefully on to the shoulders of himself. The purport of his long speech would not have been in the least impaired whilst it would have gained considerably in seif-laudation and Gladstonian candour.

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PUNCH, OR THE 4 4 ZN "hla si Mye~ o le = 07, SB “GM, 4 WY, LONDON CHARIVARI. [Novemurn 24, 1855. LONDON ON WHEELS. FEaRLyY in the new year we are promised a total reform of the present omnibus system. The omnibuses themselves will, it is said, be turned inside out; and the omnibus drivers and conductors will become so refined and cour- teous that even the wives of their bosoms will hardly know them. We are to owe all this to the benign and enterprising example of our gallant Allies. As in Paris, all the London omnibuses will form only one company : and, a preliminary fourpence being paid, an extra penny will take the enlightened ieovelior te any other omnibus to auy other point. The imaginative and vivacious author of Heliondé, or book of the Sun, especially remarks upon those in the planet Sol, whom on “this dull spot named earth ” we call “cabmen, cads, conductors, aud omnibus-drivers.” In the Sun they are all of them the very pink of courtesy ; the only fare deman their passengers “some | charming little aphorism:” Now this—says Mz. Sipxey W nitine—this “Is the only guerdon our Cuesterrierp expects, and in return he utters some exquisite line of poetry, and with mutual good wishes and amicable gestures you separate, satisfied and charmed with each other. Cabbie drives off delighted with the urbanity of his ‘fare,’ and ‘fare’ roe his domicile only regretting his short scquaintance with * cabbie.’ ” This is certainly an improvement upon the material four- pence, with the recurring pennies; but ali in good time. We may yet see all the same aphoristie brightness and oetic beauty at the Elephant and Castle as in Heliondé. hus, some day, a City attorney taking his two miles’ worth out of a eabman may, on button his pocket, wink his eye at eabby, and this “charming little , aphorism ” from The Castle of Indolence } : - “four gentlemen, whose united ages amounted to 263 \ “ A shilling saved is a shilling got.” | Whilst the cabman, having all THomson by heart, may remove his gla hat, make a bow, and with a knowing | smile add the following line— | * True to this drel maxim k eh he” peth he. VISITORS ON BOARD. | this change, like the five-frane gold pieces, will be at once small and precious. We wonder, under this hoped-for Party (in cheering tone, calculated to impart confidence to the weaker sex). “ Foutow system, what cabby will allow his master? “You cannot ME, FOLLOW ME—THERE ’S NO CAUSE FOR ALARM, I assURE rov. my MAN—Sreapy, Mare—wo! HEADS INSTEAD OF THEIR BEELS—wo!” THE “SPREAD” OF VEGETARIANISM. vr old friends, the Vegetarians, have heen enjoying a tremendous feed of “‘oreen meat” at Birmingham. We have no objection to the consumption of any amount of herbage by these graminivorous enthusiasts; but we must protest against their toasting the Queen in iced water; a pro- ceeding which is calculated to throw an almost deatb-like chill into every loyal bosom. Iced water at this time of year is, of itself, sufficient to break sociality into shivers; but ail the springs of feeling appear to be congealed, when we hear of the health of our Soverngren having been dronk in this uncomfortable beverage. Putting aside the disloyalty of the very freezing politeness exhibited towards Her Masesty, there were some points of interest ahout the Vegetarian Banquet. Among the stars of the evening were years, 178 of which had been spent in advocating Vegetarian principles.” It is diffi- cult to understand the arithmetic, by whose rules 178 years can have been consumed by any number of living individuals. According to such a mode of calculation, half-a-dozen pickpockets, committed for three months, might argue that, when they had “served” their four- teen days each, their period of three months’ imprisonment would be | completed. Perhaps, however, the most remarkable feature of the whole affair was the presence of a Vegetarian Alderman, who declared that for forty ears he had lived upon cabbage-leaves, onions, atrowroot, stuffing core and other garden produce. We must confess that we regard Woa—wo—wo | feed turkeys so,” says (Sotto voce) I’M DEUCED GLAD IT’s THEIR, crammed,” Hamlet, talking of the “promise- But then cab-proprietors are not turkeys, but mostly cormorants. with a mixture of surprise and admiration the man who, while holding | an office essentially identified with the consumption of almost every living thing that is calculated to form a p/dt, should have reached a green old age in the quiet enjoyment of his apples, oranges, nuts, and pears,—or other kindred esculents. We do not wish to disturb the Vegetarians in their ruminant propensities, and if we cannot sympathise with them in their abstinence from animal food, we will not grudge them their indulgence in the delicacies of the kitchen garden. it is the fashion in these days to popularise principles by lectures and vocal | entertainments, we would suggest to the Vegetarians the propriety of | engaging some favourite performer or singer to visit the Literary Lunsti- | tutions of the country with a sort of Monopolylogue, called A BUNCH OF GREENS, OR A NIGHT WITH A MARKET GARDENER. | Such an entertainment, with gastronomical illustrations, in the course of which the performer might cook and consume a variety of herbage, | would perhaps give an impulse to the Vegetarian movement, or at least | bring it so palpably before the public that an opinion could be formed | of its advantages or otherwise. | Official Intelligence. We know an Old Woman (you will find his name in the Peerage), | who, upon being solicited to join the present Ministry, humm’d and | ha’d, and played with his smelling-hottle, and at last mustered courage | enough to say “If you please, Sir, I don’t know—but if you will allow me, Sir, I’!] go and ask Mamma.” Aw otp Sone wits 4 wew Improvement.—With so many military officers from the Crimea, returned on private urgent business, we pro- pose that “ See the Cong’ring Hero Comes” be changed to “ See the Conq' ring Hero Goes. Printed by Wiliam Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mallett Evans, of No. 19, Qu*ea"s Road West, Regent's Park, both in the Parish of St. Pancras, tn the County of Middles+2, Primers, at their Ufiice in Lowbard Screet, ia the Precinet of Whitefriars, im the Cuty of Losdoa, and Published vy them a No, %, Fleet Street, im the Parish of St. Bride, in the Caya Leadon.—Sarvuavat, November 2), 1955. wage — oA A lie ——daew oO at ne of Of OF of =e

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1855. form of mselveg minibus d cour. . hardly ign and 1 Paris, mpany ; penny bus to thor of n those earth” rivers.” artesy some SIDNEY ‘turn he shes and th other. d ‘fare’ ce with il four- | time. ss and liondé, “worth yocket, t little } | . , may | Owing | | $; and | | once ed-for ‘annot omise- tkeys, | oiding | every hed a s, and b the athise trudge s it is vocal ty of | Insti- | ER. | ourse bage, | least | yrmed | age), | and | rage | allow litary pro- e the iddleses, e Cay a | December 1, 1855.) PUNCH, CR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 215 A PETRIFIED COMEDY. Our readers have beheld certain curiosities of Der- | byshire petrifaction. ) have seen a periwig turned | into the most delicate that was, perfect ; but still every hair stone. They/| may have seen what was) once a hedgehog with every | prickle a petrified thorn. Well, we last week was , present at the exhibition of a petrified comedy, called, when alive, the Provoked Husband. Very curious, indeed,—that de the first five minutes—was it to behold the process of petrifaction that had entered into every hair, every skin-pore, of the Provoked Husband once in the flesh, and once so animated. believe that if Hows, whe appeared as the petrifaction,—the exhibition | took place at the Haymarket—had been gently tapped with the back of a ~- > peng have oe ly Townley, too, was a still more surprising specimen of the cess. What a fine, gay, dazzling lad — of Davip Garrick, How her hoop would seem to “ cast a round about the earth,” making subject al! it encompassed! And now has that lustrous ladyship no more life than so much pumice-stove. It was a g existence; and now the vir/woso may take and crumble it between his fingers. We are assured that these specimens absolutely talked; that they formed audible words. We bave moderately quick ears—especially for their length—but we did not detect any sounds. We grant that we saw mouths open and shut, and from them proceed a stream of what seemed air; but we t ht this was only the petrifying s con- tinued. As we know the petrifaction of wigs and lace is by a ss by which the stone in minutest icles is gradually absorb curls and threads, so did we think his lordship was becoming more petrified as her ladys! her mouth at him, and vice versd, We still believe this to be the fact ach, however, was the influence of the Provoked Husband upon the humblest person remarkably impressionable iece of soft stone from head to heel. In the graphic words of the Foneehooner to the theatre, “ you might have scra’ the child like a ric’ ” Really, if these things are continued, the police must interfere. LITTLE LECTURES FOR LORD JOHN. We beg to offer to Lory Jony the following subjects for future lectures :— “ The Obstacles which retard the progress of an Omnibus from Kew Bridge to the Bank. - “ The Difficulties which lie in the way of a Husband, when he goes out shopping with his Wife. “ The gers which, from day to day, beset the progress of a leg of mutton—hot, cold, and —in a Margate | -house. “ The Objections which are sure to be raised, if married man pro- poges to cassie 9 older Jp ioe eeving cose. ; “The Moral Impossibilities, which always prevent a man coming home in rational time, whenever he’s been dining at the Club. “ The Insuperable rn, ae invariably retard the removal of a squalling Baby from his Father’s bed-room to some other room at the top of the house, where his cries cannot be heard.” Small Talk of the Army. Amone the marvels of the Mons. Jutiren’s Monster Military Quadrille is a passage descriptive of a “ Dialogue of the Chiefs,” intro- ducing “ solos, duets, and quatuors for four cornets.” We do not exactly see how “ four cornets,” though they may be made to speak by the skill of the performers, pap en Leg the dialogue of the chiefs of the, an inferior officer, and it is not likely that a “general commanding in chief” would select the cornet as a mouth-piece. A movement in A Major would, we think, have been somewhat more appropriate. bishop, gom to it, that the call-boy—we are told, a| —was found, when the curtain dropped, a! THE CZAR’S IDOL-TRICKS. Ovnr contemporaries’ advices from St. Petesobere stato, that the Czar | ALEXANDER is making efforts against the Allies, which may, with literal truth, be described as superhuman. Not only has he ordered a tre- mendous conscription of bis subjects, but he has also pressed into his service every available Saint in his dominions. Besides the miraculous image sie Sexcrus, he took, the other day, to e. faithful army, & picture same personage, probably no miraculous, for whieh the itcons Kad Seles; Steel once ta pod apd aver crochet. By con secenat eines SS Remmpeared tres thonsans esesoen, for which also he was indebted to ion of his Imperial spouse, who had brought them from her © i bese St Sercivs. Thet Saint appears to have same \ accu- mulating crosses as some eccentric individ have for cllecting canes and snuff-boxes. His hermitage i quite a those was dépét Objects of Resin weeny: Wap Ge Exenge a have pretty near! cleared off the whole stock. P In addition to the above particulars, we are enabled to state the following, which show that ALExanpeR, rather than yield, is resol wt ody Bl wy is last Image. The Emperor has issued an him carefully to examine all the see if any of them have had their noses put out of joint reverses of the defenders of their divinity ; if mended. ires and springs of all the images that go by miraculous clockwork, shall be repaired, if out of order: and that i regu- larly wound up. The clergy are also invited to avail themselves of the powers of galvanism, for the greater glory of the saints; so that by y she was—as we read—in the time| those means their images may be rendered illustrious and refulgent jin the dark. His Imegrtat Masesty, in further . 4 of the resources of modern science in aid of the Orthodox faith, has sent orders to America for the construction of a Sr. VLapmrr, to act by steam. If 8. Viapimie doe not answer, the Erexor intends to try St. ALexawpeR Newsk1, and should St. Arexanpen deceive his expectations, he will fall back on Sr. Sencrvs. In that event, however, the idea of a steam Saint will be relinquished |for a notion which is, perhaps, happier. Emboldened by the example lof his father of pious memory, _ marked his cannon-balls (as was | discovered at Alma) with the sign of the Cross, this devout son of a ‘religious sire has employed Professor Jacont, to invent a submarine apparatus modelled in the form of Sr. Sexarus, of colossal proportions, for the purpose of blowing x ie whole of the Allied Baltic Fleet, and | to be denominated a Celest hine. FRENCH AND ENGLISH KNIGHTHOOD. Tne reasons for making an English Knight are often so utterly unreasonable that we do not wonder at the “honour” being frequently declined by those to whom it is offered. these things better in France, notwithstanding the fact that the Legion of Honour was getting a little into discredit, by being so indiscriminately aug- mented that many of the members could boast of no name vaca the fact that their name was legion. A batch of Knights has, however, been made very omg by the Emrenon or THE Frenci, who has conferred such honour as he is able to bestow, on a number of names already distinguished by their connection with art and science. We look in vain for the Moons and the Mucezrtpegs in this very satis- factory list, which somewhat puts to shame the logue of our own very miscellaneous knighthood. Such pames as Fanapay, Farsparny, Sreruensoy, and Beunet, are names of which we and the French Legion of Honour may be equally proud; and we cannot help feeling that even our old electrotyping friend, Erxive ; his Knighthood as the alleged reward of gilt, has contributed most materially to the progress of vert. Heroic Resolution. We read the subjoined in the Sunderland Times :— “ The directors of the Northumberland and Durham Distriet Bank have, we under- stand, ordered all the employés who adorned their faces with a moustache to shave or resign.” And—to the honour of Englishmen, we are happy to record the fact —the heroic young fellows have returned this defying answer—“ We will 2o¢ shave ; we will dye first !” PETER’S PENCE IN AUSTRIA. Tare Emperor or Avstaia, by his late Concordat with the Porr, has presented to his Holiness sixty pence : or, at least, with the English | equivalent to a Crown. Tow, though he receives | VOL. XXIX. Z

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[Decemser 1, 1855- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | THE PRESENT LASS OF RICHMOND HILL. Tuere was a Lass or Ricemonp Hi, As nearly all folks know, The praises of her charms would fill _A thickish folio ; No maid e’er saw so fair a face But in the looking-giess; That Hill will never, m her See such another Another Lass, who is not such, The Hill of Richmond sees : She dwelleth m a house not mach O’ershadow’d by the trees. But from her windows since they shat To some extent the view, Down are those elm-trees to be cut In number not a few. And who are they, to please thi That mean those trees to fell ? Some Beadles of the better class, Whose names I need not tell. The Parish vestrymen select ; The men for tasteless jobs. And what but such can you expect From such a set of snobs? These self-same snobs, some years gone by, ‘These noble elms did lop, Rearing their heads then so high, Which crested that hiil-top ; Now at their roots their axe they*ve laid To gratify the will Of this old Lass— Second Swel!. “Ah / Yee—uncomfortable, no doubt—wet, decidedly. It’s always the way with | those ‘ would-be’ smart men ; they will sacrifice everything for the sake of appearance.” THE PAINTER’S MEDAL. Tue followme passage is quoted by the writer of Notes and Sketches | Me. Poscu has nothing to sa here about the judgment which has in the Morning Post from some other sage :-— | been displayed in the award of the French medals to the English “ If the present rage for prostituting literature to the mest casual purposes of tem- | artists. No doubt Sir Epwin Lanwpsezrx (whom Mr. Psach abun- porary amusement continues, we shall expect that as we have sliced up our novels : : | into shilling numbers, and boiled down our BLAckstowes and our Nizscars into | dantly honours and admires, all hereinafter said notwithstanding ) is considered im and his being an old EmPreror’s gracious flabby hebdomadal drivel, we shall in process of time have a comic Prayer- ook and | received the great medal, because animal i ting a Bible in moothly parts, with illustrations by Purz.” | France to be the grandest department of When shall we hear the last of the Comie Bible and Prayer-book ? friend of the Empexon’s, and a favourite of | The original idea of those twe publications was a very nice mild Ally, in no way influenced the selection. It was simply this view of easaniry, of which the expense had to be defrayed by some unwise Art that subordinated the painters of the Light of the World, Jeru- ‘ool, who bad stupidly yr to expose comething venerable to %2/em, The Rescue, The Poet's Hoening Walk, Don Quixote, tity t , and the Last ridicule. But why do the dinarian censors of literature keep | “ep 0 Argyll, to the painter of Pisce Atpeat’s hat and gloves, ci/culating this joke in their little s after the manner of Max. | 29d the Queen’s lovely cockatoo, Let all that pass. Pore’s pigs in the satire? Well, per , the racy morsel is rather, But Jr. Punch must take leave to put it on record, that he humbly too strong for their mental digestion. They do not quite discern that | protests against this calling together the first artists of the day—men who there is some little difference between themselves their views on | bave already made their mark, and had their position settled by the the one hand, and the Bible and Prayer-book on the other; and that, world—to stand in a row, and be judged, comparatively, like schoolboys to exhibit the former in a ludicrous point of view, is not exactly the | ina class: That Master THORBURN is to take up Master Frits, sawe thing as to profane the latter. }and Master Roperts is to take up Master Hunt, and Liasrer If, in a wordy and windy essay, you were to tell these gentlemen, for LanpseeR is to go up to the top, Master Gisson is to stand out the millionth time, of the littleness of ambition, the vanity of earthly | of the class altogether: This style of treating eminent men, Mr. Punch glory, and the mutability of human affairs, they would gravely assent | considers utterly unworthy. : ’ to every word you said. But illustrate the littieness, expose the vanity,| He could quite understand the propriety of the presentation of a show the mutability forth in its actual pettiness, and then they will | medal to every artist, in graceful recognition of bis kindness in aiding exclaim, that the next thing you will do, will be to write a Comic Bible | to form the wonderful collection just closed. But that a great artist. and Prayer-book. | sbould receive a medal in token that the verdict of the world is con- All grave quacks, solemn impostors, and serious humbugs, in- | firmed by that of the judges in Paris, and that other great artists stinctively bate ‘burlesque. They feel that they are the buffoon’s| should not receive it, or should be p in a second, third, foarth, or | natural quarry. Hence their continual iteration of the idea of a Comic | fifth class, implies a rehearing of claims to reputation, and such rehearing Prayer-book and Bible, about to be published by their contemporary | | to rfools. The fact prohably is, that the didactic dunces who sneer at second, third, fourth, fifth-hand, about Comic Bibles and Prayer-books, are simply disgusted with the circumstance, that their own platitudes are not so marketable as other people’s zanyisms. They have tales to te!! “full of sound and fury, signifyin ing;”’ and they are aggrieved by finding that monthly and wae serials are preferred by the public to their own serious bosh. There is, perhaps, not one a then who would not give six inches of each of his ears to make a successful pun. | Jesse (who nevertheless deserves better thi Tas Ear.ty Ciostxc Movement.—When two persons begin “talking Shop,” it is high time to put up the shutters. is decidedly intolerable. It is well that literary art was out of this affair. It would have been a worthy sight to have seen our authors sending in their best works, by invitation. Imagine Macauptay, Hataam, Auison, Tenyyson, tocers, Brownrsc, Dickens, Taacxeray, Lytton, Caar.yte, Lanxpor, Puxchk himself—selecting their choicest works and trans- mitting them for judgment. And then imagine the judges deciding that Mr. Paach was inferior to Mr. Cantyie, or Mra. Macaviay to Mr. Acison, and that the great gold medal should be given to Mz. than medals), because he has written Anecdotes of Animals, and has lived—at Windsor. This part of the French Exhibition business is the only blemish upon \its general merit; and Mr. Punch mentions it, agreeing with the Error.’ Ewreror himself, that in some cases “ Silence is an

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y; err ew CO OS , ee Be od .

Decemsgr 1, 1855.)

MRS. SWANSDOWN’S WORK-TABLE. A CONVEYANCING LECTURE FOR THE LADIES. “ Steal, foh! the wise de call it conv-y.”— Shakespeare. O, my dears, you saw what a friendly bar- rister bad done for his patron the attorney at the outset of | his little businéss. You may be = sure that the Waited ee & g Bp eree & respets feet FF F pit i :

foaled and then, a fresh copy of it was sent to Ma. Pown.zsquaw’s wrer. This tleman’s business, my dears, wus to’ ine, !ar more critically’ the rights of the lady who was to part with the Rabie to bis client. Grupsy’s duty was only to turn out a “colourable” story, and if there were any holes in it, to cover them up, and trust to their being undetected. But the other thief—conveyancer | mean—was to find out all these holes, and as many more as he could. If it bad so happened that Mr. Foypiesquaw had repented of his bargain, and wanted to be off it, his solicitor’s duty a + have been to find out, or pretend that Mas. Swanspown’s title was so bad that he could not advise his client tc “complete.” Most likely this course would have enabled him to be quit of his agreement; but if Mas. Swanspown’s lawyer persisted, wy — go to a be yurt < Comesry, where, mee a) elay, and a frightful expense, they would get a “reference to the 7 pe ed he is called, and m about four y this gentleman, if in good temper after a holiday in Switzerland or italy, would give his report on the facts, and then they could go back to the Court again, | and some day or other a decision would be pronounced. But as Mr. Fonpiesquaw did not want to be off, this exercise of professional skill was not needed. Aijl, dears, that his attorney, and that attorney’s conveyancer, Mr. De Kavit, had to do was to raise as many objections | as possible, in order to make more costs. Kea very well Ma De Kavit did it, at the priee—his very handsome fee. The Abstract was sent to him, that he might “advise on the title,” that is, say whether Mas. Swanspoww could show that she had | a right to sell the Table. Hesent back the document to his employer with the following “opinion” written at the end of it :— “Subject to the grave question to which I shall presently advert, and to the requisitions hereinafter made, | think this title may be = accepted. “The question is, whether the Work-table belongs to Mas. Swans- DOWN at all, or to Hen Masesty Qoeew Vicroria ‘ “The officer, whose wife is s' to have given it to Mas. Swans- DOWN’S ancrstress, was a traitor in arms against Krve Geor¢e THE Seconp. I need not refer to authorities to show, that British subjects who fight against the Royal t are rebels, or that their pronerty becomes forfeit to the Crown. Unless it can be proved that the officer’s pardon was duly —s the Work-table ought in strictness to be sent to Coronet Putpps. “I think, however, that the Crown might be inclined to relinquish its rights, and that if it appear that no pardon was issued, a short Act of Parliament might be ed, next Session (at Mas. Swanspown’s expense), doing away with the treason and confirming the Work-tahle. This is commonly done. (See 3 Barn. & Adol., 291; 7 Bosh & Bunkum, 539, and other cases.) | “his Act would complete the title. But if it be shown that the | pardon was duly granted, the Crown is disposed of, and I proceed to , Other points of considerable, though umequal importance.

stom) was greatly ex- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 217 the letter the signature is ‘ Your ever affectionate and grateful Lerry. Evidenee must be procured to show the identity of the two nawes. The lady’s marriage certificate, giving the name ‘Letitia,’ and any letters from ber husband in which he uses the apparently playful name a pa might — a light upon this, “T am not clear that any good consideration was given for the Table and therefore the gift was void. The letter speaks of ‘shelter and protection,’ but if we recollect that this was afforded to the Krxa’s enemy, it will be seen that this is an immoral consideration. The descendants of the officer might therefore lay claim to the Table, and if the purchase is to be completed they must be sought out, and deeds of renunciation procured from them. _ “These deeds I think the Court of Chancery would compel them to sign, because in the letter their ancestress says, ‘I hope my darling friend will need no further assurance of our gratitude ; but if she does, and mine will ever testify to it.’ This I take to be clearly ‘a Covenant for Further Assurance.’ “As such a gift is revocable in the life-time of the giver, evidence must be procured that the lady is , if such be the case. I assume if she is now alive, she is about 130 or 140 years of age, and would The husband seems to have therefore be about 150, Is he still 1 Seconp, there were four corners of the Table. One of these is gone. When “ As the letter was written before the Stamp Act was passed, | k that the Post-cllice mark may be held sufficient stamp, but unfortumately the date hereon is obliverated, aud the defect is not cured by the writer, who dates ‘lst Jamuary,°46.’ This might be 1546, 1646, or 1846 for anything we know. You must ask for evidence on or There is no water-mark im the , and if there were, the it practices of paper-makers, im using untruthful dates, deprive sweh testimony of value. “The same document says ‘For your getting this to you, make him the prettiest of courtesies, and give him the sweetest of,” Sc. As thie be held to constitute him Tenant by the Courtesy, we must have of his demise. “ Mus. Swanspown being an only ebid, her inheriting the Table fe “5 He sf il r ‘was it aliewated, and by what authority ? “ Oa the silver inscription place, the donor is called ‘Letitia.’ I dear husband’s trouble in | from her mo'her was in due course. But her mother was one of | seventeen children of the original donee, and we must have evidence as to the reason why she was selected to possess it, and also that the other sixteen acquieserd. From an expression in a note of ove of these, on page 91, that ‘Manoe, as yowsual gits haw! mother as to give,’ the writer evinces discontent, and her descendants may even now set upaciaim. It will be safest that the representatives of | he sixteen children should all join—on the average of increase and dea’ hs there will not be more than a bundred and ninety persons to be sought out and satisfied. “The donor says ‘Such of my family as survive have come over here much diseontented.’ These must be as Cross Remainders Over, but as the abrupt termination of the sentence amounts to Discontinu ance, the re = searches must be made in the Register Office of Middlesex, the Seoteh Nonconformist’s Library, the Moribund College of Madagascar, the Harleian Miscellany, and the Index Expurgatorius, especially as the dovor’s busband was a Catholic. “Subject to these remarks, and about seventy or eighty demands | have made in the margin,| see no present objcetion to Mas.Swanspown’s title to the Silver-inlaid Work-table. “Busrace Ds Kavit, “ Inner Temple These objections, my dears, were sent by Mr. Fonpiesquaw’s lawyer to Mas. Swanspown’s, and now you see the business is really goiog on as fast as professional custom permits. Ask any lawyer whether we are not proceeding regularly. Clothed with Autnority. We find from the Civil Service Gazette, that the Clerks im the Custom House at Hui! have adopted, of their own aceord, a neat uniform. Of course, if these gentlemen like to go into livery, there ean be no objeetion to such a proeeeding ; but we do not quite concur with our contemporary in reeommendiug the Civil Serviee generally to adopt a similar plan. The only uniform we are pr to recowmend to the adoption of the Government Clerks is uniform politeness, of some of them are very much im need.

A Beal Honey.Bee. A Lapy last week sent to every ee for the poor a cheque for £50. The donor is only known as“ Lapy C. B.” But what a Honey-B! The very best possible Honey-B! for does not the B. impart the sweets of charity when most vented~<is in atime of winter? May the best of flowers never fail such a B! which ae Ae | ee EE 7 2 RaW Le mare call

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON \RIVARL [Decemser 1, 1855.

pe } Wh Mihi ; BABY LINEN WAREHOUSER iii HE ; iN He re TT ‘> - . | ~_ LAST REFUGE OF A BANISHED SMOKER. First Juvenile Swell, “ Some ws, ord Fettau!” Second ditto, “ Wuen® ant you cornc ?” First ditto. “Ou! Nownere! I’ve onty nigep niw To wAvVE SomEWHERE TO Smoke!” 4 GUY FAWKES’ DAY IN VIENNA. Lenty of our truly liberal contemporaries depre- cated Guy Fawkes and the squibs and crackers of the Fifth of this No- E=— vember as “offensive to the feelings of our Catho- FJ lic fellow-subjects.” Yes; how bigoted, how preju- diced it was of the he- retical British boys to commemorate such a day in such a manner; to mark, with demonstra- tone -& jae oo mar iam, anniversary 0 the failure of unfortunate —_ = the great es em regenerate . ! See what a differ- ent picture was exhibited Festival of Sr. Guy, In-| ” : ” : | the pernicious teaching of Gatttz0 and Newton be now,

the blessed Porg on that sacred and ever memorable festival of St. Guy Fawkes, Francis-Joszeru generously resigned (to Pors Prus tne Ninta the virtual sovereignty of the Austrian dominions. This was no lip-service; no hypo- critical kissing of the cross embroidered on what heretics may denominate the Scartet Lapy’s white satin slippers. No: the act of pious humility consisted in the Jona fide surrender of the supreme Imperial authority to the sovereign Pontir¥. | At the time when fireworks were fizzing and bonfires |were blazing in abjuration and contempt of the Porr’s | authority and jurisdiction in these dominions, the Empgzror | or Austata solemnly ratified the establishment of the Pore’s Church in Austria with all its rights and privileges. Among these rights and privileges are expressly enumerated the cen- sorship of the press, and the right to have heretics pun- ished. The Emperor engages to he subservient to their enforcement ; and with a modesty unparalleled in the world’s history, bis Majesty has nearly limited his own functions to that subserviency. The Bishops are to superintend the education of youth in all public and private sebools, with the power to forbid any ing in any study which they may consider contrary to that of the Papal Church—they being expressly invested with the right to pronounce on that subject. Where would if that authority had universally and always been enjoyed by the Roman prelates which was formally conceded to ey by F rancis-Josgern of Austria, on last Guy Fawkes’ Jay ? The Empenor resigns to the Por all control over the national church: the Bishops are to have complete autho- rity over the Clergy, subject only to the Porg: his Holiness complete and irresponsible authority over the Bishops,

NIOSVA SMVYNS CGAGOOH WHA Ty } ‘ATOVA NVIMISAVY FHL ‘(YIM ATUS LVHL ONIN

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————————— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemoer 1, 1855. wn" Va ON Xi VW \\ eS CASS . my ] Y {'} t) ; My Myyps ag 4 >_ THE HOODED SNAKE FASCINATING THAT SILLY BIRD, THE AUSTRIAN EAGLE.

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— — December 1, 1855.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI That is the way to show a sincere belief in the vicarious deity of the! Port. That we might now have had a Queen Mary tue Secoyp doing, if Guy Fawkes had been as successful in 1604 as CagDrinaL VisLe Prexa was on the Fifth of November, 1855. Was not the agitation into which this country was thrown by the so-called Papal aggression five years ago as ridiculous as the profound Cospes and the judicious Baicnt maintain it to have been? Was not the outery against the paternal attempt of the Pore to establish an imperium in imperio here, @ ur: a vulgar howl, “ offensive to the feelings of our Catholic fellow-sunjects?” But oh! who are our Catholic fellow-subjects? The sovereignty of the Sovereign Pontiff is not yet established in this realm. Queen Victoria is still the| Sovereign thereof; not Pros rue Nrxtu: she has not yielded up ber| authority to him as the Empzror or Avusraia did his on the lent} anniversary of Guy Fawkes. Ah! It was a great mercy—the preservation of the Expgror or Avstria’s life from the assassin’s dagger. But as the stroke did not prove fatal—may there not be some reason why believers in the Pors should believe it to bave been a blow? The blow took effect on the occiput—effect extending to the brain: the proximate effect, we think, of stunning at the time. Do we not see the increasing effect of that blow on the head, in the illustrious sufferer’s bepp surrender of his own dignity and of the liberties of his subjects to ‘ors ? THEY MANAGE THESE THINGS BETTER IW FRANCE. | Maewa Charta’s a wonderful charter ; Habeas Corpus a —_— thing : For our great Bill of Rights, as a martyr Mr. Punch would be happy to swing. For King, Lords, and Commons, as stoppers On each other, a long life he craves ; Britannia ke loves on our coppers, And trusts she ma rue the waves. Bat while sure that Jom» Butt, of his neighbours In Earo>e, is far in advance ; There are things, which, spite of Jouy’s labours, Somehow seem better managed in France. Joun Butt offers incense to BumBxe, 2 Lys his — are turn’d a : ill bis town-legislation’s a jumble, Fruitful only m rates, jars, and jobs. Not a nuisance Jou» hints at removing, But the vested rights sound their alarms ; Jonn’s titles, and ribands, and garters Are for rank, or for wealth, or for war, His great ones of science are martyrs, W ho have still worn the cross, not the star— At Joun’s court art and science are zeroes, Or if counted, ’tis favour or chance ; As for homage to peace and its heroes, They manage things better in France. Jonny flatters himself never nation Than his has more practical been— It was hoped in his war-preparation This practical power wou'd be seen. Yet his army to death’s door, last winter, Within six miles of plenty, was brought ; And what Russ shot, shell, sabre, and «plinter Could not do, Jomn’s own hand all but. wrought. Yes—ihougb Joun, like the Doges, in marriage Has taken great Ocean’s expanse,— Let him own, after last year’s miscarriage, They manage things better in France, Joun’s instincts, however civilian, Tell him tools for their work should be made; For Joun’s army last year | million The old hoy ungrudgingly paid. It has chiefs, to whom is no bar- A staff, still at school in its work— Rank and file, whose drunk or sober, Pride of wealth and of birth joi to burke. From his fool’s dream if Jom~ would awaken, Let him look over sea—not askance— And hbe’!! find, unless Punch be mistaken, That they manage things better in Framee. A NICE MAN FOR A SMALL (PEACE) PARTY. Exeter, a lecturer named Fry, whom, A from his want of influence, we may calling Small Fry, has been, it seems, recommendi formation of a regiment of a Editors, to take part in the f ar, whose prosecution they so vigor- be excused for ously insist upon. do somebody else’s business 221 | | ci ; * ; { hi r the ews- This proposition f : sounds well enough; but if everybody f were to leave his own business to go and the neglect Not a fever-nest Jouns’ for improving, Bat Bumbledom’s straight up in arms. If Jouw wouldn’t think it to absurd to Condescend towards Paris a glance ; Town Improvement ’s one thing I referr’d to, Which they manage much better in France. Foreign Railways excite Joun’s derision, Check’d and cow’d by the Government’s power ; JouN enjoys unrestrain’d competition, Spins along sixty miles jn the hour : Till with as with loans and debentures, He finds he’s been rather too rash, And both travellers’ and shareholders’ ventures Too often result in a smash. If aught beyond Jouw Buu's own pale weighs With Jous, Puach would break on his trance, With a bint that Joun’s pet hubby—Kailways— Has been much better in France. Jou boasts of his comforts—of taking What Jonny calls “his ease in his inn”— Through the day in hot coffee-room baking, Through the night with hot feathers tuck’d in. “ Chops and steaks,” “ steaks and chops,” for his eating, British Port Cape | to swill— Then comes taxing the bill, and brow-beating The harpies “not charged in the bill.” Mr. Punch doesn’t wish by comparison Joun’s trav’lling re; to enhance ; But your London hotel ’gainst your Paris one— They manage things better in France. Joun BuLt’s every town is a centre Of inventions most useful to man ; But, alas! for Joun’s greatest inventor, Unless he can patent his plan! which is the usual fate of what is called “everybody’s business,” would soon be realised. The same principle recom- mended in one instance would apply to ; all others ; and, if everybody was li to be, what our friend Fay would call, “taken at his word,” it would be impossible to advocate the doing of anything, without being pre- pared to go and do it oneself at the first bidding. We do not know, what may be the ordinary occupation of this particular Far; or whether he lectures because he has nothing better to do, which would | be equivalent to his having nothing to do of any description whatever ; but we are quite sure, if he were to want his dinner cooked, or his coat | mended, or his shirt washed, or his boots patched, or any other domestic operation performed, he would think it hard to be told to go and do it himself, because he happened to hag 6 thought it ought to be done effectually. We shall now quit the subject, and apologise to our readers for having occupied so much time over the subject; for the largest Fry is never worth roasting. A Literary Blow-up. Wuewn we read the account of the “ Explosion of three Magazines,”’ we thought it just possible that there might have been a blow-up among some of our monthly periodicals. We, however, soon discovered our mistake, and indeed it is obvious that the Magazines which are most liable to destruction are those which do not go off, and which are safe as far as any chance of explosion is concerned, for they have neither the fire of genius, nor a spark of talent about them. Aw Im-rroposttion.—Is it reasonable to expect, that a great demon- stration of force in the Bug would make the enemy flee ? Mruitary Promorion.—Directly a man joins the Army, his views of life take a proportionate rise with the heels of his boots.

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PUNCH, OR THE Lé TT KEY VW yyy) INDON CHARIV DecemsB ART. [ A CALL ON SWEDISH FRIENDS. Wnuo stole Finland ; what thief, say, Took your Baltic Isles away ? Shall be now disgorge his prey ? Swedes! the choice is yours to weigh. Cronstadt, now a Russian den, Sveaborg, too, your own again ! Sweden once more glorious then! Only think of that, my men! Lie no longer in a trance ; On the Enemy advance, With Sardinia, us, and France. ° Now or never is your chance! Of the double snake whose fold Is around half Europe roll’d, Bruised the Southern Head behold ! Smite the other, Northmen, bold! , Just the work you’re fittest for, Sons of Odin and of Thor ; Bring your hammer to the War: And to atoms knock the Czar. Then of strife no more may we, Save in mimic combat, see ; ‘Thus, all Europe ever be One Valhalla of the Free. Two Thoughts of a Contemplative Policeman. PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE. “© thou weed, Who art so lovely fair, and smell’st so sweet,—” Othello, Act iv., Scene 2. __ Iwpupence may put on a bold front, but | the falseness is mostly apparent. The strings | of the “ Dickey” will peep out ! | Long preparation raises expectation ; as when |a gentleman takes out his purse, a beggar natu- ‘rally expects something handsome. REFORM YOUR REFORMATORIES. PatcantHRorists are asking in all directions, “ What is to be done with juvenile delinquency?” Common sense would reply, that it is better to prevent juveniles from becoming delinquent than to wait for the development of childish innocence into infantume roguery, before it is considered ripe for the action of the philanthropist. Reformatory schools are all very well, but formatory schools would be much better ; for the first have to undo as well as do, while the second would only have the latter and comparatively easier work to execute. Unhappily, the philanthropists generally decline to deal with juveniles in a wholesome | state ; but, like moral epicures, they wish humanity to have a “ gamey ” flavour, and in fact to have become “ high” and rather corrupt, before they will have anything to do with it. We have known instances in which juvenile humanity has been rejected as unfit for philanthropic food, on the ground that it has not been kept sufficiently long in that larder of iniquity, the gaol; that “safe” for what may be termed our criminal provender. The moralists who will not interfere to prevent a disease, but are active in trying to effect a cure, are like those doctors of more than doubtful honesty, who stand by and see a patient falling into a sickness which might perhaps be kept off, except for the wish of the medica] man to obtain the credit—and the profit—of restoring an invalid to salubrity. The old maxim, that “ Prevention is better than cure” is not only the best, but it is the only sound principle to act upon with reference to that part of the juvenile population from which the ranks of crime are now recruited. Philanthropists may talk 7 the hour, and print pamphiets by the pound, but a nut-shell—a walnut-sbell at all events— will contain the whole gist of the question. Compulsory education, and ental responsibility duly enforced, will cure the monster evil. Per-| aps, by way of a graceful fringe to the position—a sort of ornament to | the plain truth—the fanciful philosopher might suggest the hanging of nearly all the Marine Store-dealers in all the great towns of England, but with our objection to capital punishments, and our faith in our own | pomeription, we should be disposed to regard this act of justice on the Store-dealers as a piece of surplusage. The Two Manchester Peacemen. Bricurt. A long way off from Coppey. Cospven. Far from being Baicur. AN OPERATIC BLOW-OUT. It seems, from sundry advertisements, that there is an Italian Opera progressing, we hope successfully, at the Royal Soho Theatre. This little | dramatic snuggery has often been compared to a Band-box; and the | Manager seems resolved that the capacity of the Band-box shail be tested by the introduction of a Band, onascale of some pretensions: for we per- | | ceive that an engagement has been entered into with Mons. Prosrere, whose name will reach the portals of posterity (not on the Trumpet of | | Fame), but through the tubes of a monster ophicleide. We confess we j are rather startled by the announcement in question; for, if all the arrangements are upon the same tremendous scale; if Prospenr, | on the monster ophicleide is to be seconded by Borresrni on the gigantic double-bass ; and Cu1pp on the very grossest of gross cases ; the | effect in the limited sa//e of the Lilliputian Soho in Dean Street will be literally stunning. We admire boldness in every undertaking ; and we must admit that the attempt to perform Grand Opera, in a space a very few yards square, is entitled to every encouragement. It is all very well to snub the affair, and talk about astorm in atea-cup; but we must remember that the storm is always respectable, though the tea |cup may be insignificant. We therefore wish every success to th- stupendous speculation in the Soho snuggery; and we hope that the engagement of Mons. Prosper may be the source of much prosperitye | The World upon Wheels. “Mr. Punca, It’s all gammon. There’s to be no mounseers aloud to take the ’bus bred out of Englishman’s mouth. *Busses are to be as they run. Jest as durty, jest as shambling; with none of your forei jemerack of kumfut, or any sich stuff. All cereane? Hooray for the flees ; “ ” « Elfant and Kastl.” Your’n, Tue Brixton Curgper. Thinks I to Myself, Thinks I. Tue other day I asked myself this somewhat curious question :— | If I should happen to see a very ugly individual at a public meetin | in the pit of a theatre, or in any other conspicuous itioa—should I | be justified in taking him in my arms, and removing him from the place he occupied? Certainly, said 1 to myself; for I should be carrying out | | & great object.

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rw ero ww we 6]! lh6Y ww: or Ff = ear | to the soldiers, write to the Editor, and offer to have the | meme tied up with your Incorrodible I am, Sir, Your obedient servant, | and Unsnappable Cord, whose durability, &c., &c., will prevent any chance of loss. These _“ Trygotay Crutcr, — courses wi aaterally suggest themselves to the tradesmanlike mind,—and the ggeat point is ( Publisher Pénny Buffer,)” not to forget to add your name and address in full. A letter in the Times, which that| «19 ged 14 Plugghole Street.” journal good-n inserts for nothing, is read by everybody, and is better than fifty | : 7 ; pounds’ worth of advertisements. | Now, you know, if you send that to the News- December 1, 1855.) PUNCH, Ok THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 223 BoDY who wrote the latter story puts four lines HOW TO GET AN ADVERTISEMENT. into the paper, disclaiming connection with My Eye and my Elbow, Now is your chance—you, | HERE are several neat or your Ayrsopy—for you, must send this letter | amy queued ways in | to the Times. w you may obtain| “Sra,—lI am very sorry that Sim B. L., Barr. | an advertisement with- | (or Ma. D., or as t — A may be) should have | out paying for it. One thought it necessary to disavow the authorship | plan is to watch | of anything in my , the Penny Buffer, a | the legitimate corre-| paper which whether from its &c., its &c., or its | spondence of a leading &c., may boldly challenge competition with any | , and when any-| paper im the world, and whose circulation is | has put forth a | &e., &e. wise or benevolent pro} ‘’ A wost masterly and noble story, which has immedidhely | at i position, tracted the atteation of , did fo tack” yourself and |in the Posap Bafer, under The tle of Ne a shop on to it. aed Morming, J was not aware that Sin B. or instance, if a had written under the same title. But floes to sus) taste 05 the cclection of be tie nati of lit aie at the Crimea, write to was his own doing, not mine. the | the the with your Indeli- | Denytter of the Workhouse, the Gory the ble as the Mysteries of B , which are Dagger the Skeleton in the Family, so, &e., ay mm the aa —— , all of which may wi - | be procured, office, in penn ther, washing, and dio. numbers, and po a coloured fhoatin honest nurses. Or, if | piece. a gentleman under-| “Hoping this ‘ explanation’ will be satisfactory, Another good plan Mr. Pusch would notice, as it may be useful to literary men and | paper, with afew lines about the Editor’s “ sense publishers, of a a to know it. You are the proprietor of some obscure paper, | of justice,” and the “injury an uncontradicted which at its price wi be , if it were good for anything. You engage Anrsopy to | paragraph may do a person in business,” you write a story therein, and he, with a wise forethought and concern for your interests, gives | will get that royal puff into enormous notice his story the same name as that borne by the work of Somznopy. Let us suppose that he}and circulation. You might send Mr, Punch takes Night and Morning, or the Cricket om the Hearth. The rubbish proceeds to its close | something handsome for giving you the hint, without attracting any icular mony ew then Awrzopy begins a new story. This you! though the idea is not his own. t all is fair advertise, perhaps, as My Hye and my , by the Author of Night and Morning. The Some-| in trade, ° THE NEW ALIEN BILL. Farther; that as Louis Naro.gon is already a citizen of London, he c elected jams : —~ for the year ensuing, with the power of . + 9m . inting his own deputy. We have the authority of the Morning ’Tizer for i alarming fact, t is hoped by the drawers of the Bill, that these few Rieti ae Ae atte ver ared’ ta abedicuee es the makers, OF Breparasion, i | favour of order will draw England and France together in still tighter potentate. Are we to be surprised, if the ’Tizer should indignantly ask | and tighter bonds of amity, Vivat Regina! Vivel eur / the country, if this is a time when Englishmen should sit quietly by | their fireside, seeing that through the fireside of the foreigner, a tyrannical minister may have a poke at their own bars? We cannot) and we will not be a if, in the most candid tone of patriotism, | ’ ; . : the ’ Zizer calls upon all true Britons to be up and doing! | _ Tire following paragraph, which appeared a few evenings ago in the We are requested not to name the undoubted authority, to which we | @/ode, must have startled everybody who has had his eyes open to what owe a few of the disclosures as to the clauses in the new Bill; a Bill | has been passing during the last four weeks :-— STARTLING ANNOUNCEMENT. - if vg Syl wy vee con wae Meant A vs why anage “ Ma. Lasovomzne transacted business yesterday at the Colonial Office.” f Saaee, step takes Guerneey; a hop and another step brings | . One would have thought that the Colonial Office had been altogether him triumphant at every Engli hman’s fireside. And this. we doubt | £i¥em Up as a place of business, for it has certainly been little used for : orming ’ Tizer sooner somerou “| business purposes during the last two years. ‘The office itself must ast, io what tho — or tates aly pre have been astonished at the novelty of its own position when Ma. La- oar However, we give a few of the atrocities of @ contemplated | oe to within its hithesto Under a secret treaty, the French Emperor is to have the right of ¥*/s. ss me ME. roto on the appotstmest of every police magisteate. | ee 2 a Pere ree nn aeeeene enaees, Sho Napier's Low “Associates.” aew in order rench aliens may have upon them | watehtal eps of old acquaintance. ‘ | Sra Cranves Narrer, M.P. for Southwark—(Gnaawam’s delighted !) Further; it is to be lawful—on reasonable suspicion ‘of the Gallic —said in his thanksgiviog speech, that “an order of distinction should policeman—to knock up any alien at any hour of the night, and to be extended to the common soldier; who might be called for instance compel him to give an account of his whereabout and his doimgs during | When worthy, an ‘ Associate of the Bath.” When Fitzrtamrco, o the past day. Refusal to do this .will submit the alien to immediate | the Guards, heard this,—he declared “the idea was monstrous. To deportation to the police office.# | admit such low fellows to the Bath, would make it the very dirtiest “Parther ; no child of an alien is to be christened unless in the presence | water.” of a policeman; to toe intent that no inflammatory name, such as | , Cato, Kossurm, Mazzrnt, be fom to the alien baby aforesaid. Tae Srrewt Hronway.—The Thames is generally called “The Silent Further; that on the third request of the French Emperor any alien | Highway,” and we suppose it is called “ silent” on the strength of the | may be shipped and passed on board a French vessel in mid-channel. cubase fact, that “ Silence always gives a-scent,””

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a. ee et . | f é SS =, ' . | LA : RS See) HVE Peter: le. iW i rf \ Ps | Yr; a y ii +t a os > ilies > § ts 4) | } ie 4 ' DID YOU EVER! « Friend, “ Weit, Senat, uy Bor—anD HOW DO YOU GET ON, NOW YOU'RE Manned?” | Sprat. “i'm! rretry Bonsiso—revr THEeRe’s ONE THING MAKES IT ABLE SOMETIMES—ENTRE NOoUsS—Mas. S. 18 so conrounpepLy Jeatous PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. TLRS BEBS-ASS S138) THE END OF YANKEE DOODLE. By Paresiwwent Pierce. My lease, but not my love, of power Is near its termination ; I'll seize on this auspicious hour, To work its a. Jutivs C#sar play’ his game, And so obtain’d dominion, That Faanxuw Prexce may do the sfme Is my confirm’d opinion. +} Now a considerable some The Irish pet musters, And also, if I beat the dram, There ’s all the Filibusters. A war with England would elate Their bosoms, and no wonder ; *T would ify ferocious hate, And raise the hope of plunder. I’ve one uncommonly sharp tool, A help unused to Washing Our ardent people to befool, His name is Cates Cusurnc. The mob I'll get him to excite, By balderdash and patter, With expectation of a figbt On this recruiting matter. I’ll plunge the in a mess By means of that delusion ; Then take advantage of distress, Disaster, and confusion, Devens 7] wot gen to o get, n time of n appointed ; And then a crown ImpeRra. set Upon my head anoi DOOCED UNCOMFORT- | or ue/” |the Broth of a Boy! = FURTHER DECLINE OF THE DRAMA. | We had hoped better things for the legitimate Drama at Drury Lane following advertisement :— “On Monday next, Nov. 26, will (for the first time in Europe) Mapame Lanarteax with a Troupe of Lions, Lionesses, Tigers, Bears, Dogs, &c. (in a cage) After going through valems performances, they wili sit down to dinner with Mapame | Lanarkar and feed from her mouth. The Dog will feed the Lionesses, &c. Besides | going through the usual rmances of putting her head in the Lion's mouth, &c., Mapvame Lanartae will & pistol, at which the animals will all crouch at her feet. These wonderful animals have created the greatest surprise and enthusiastic appro- bation wherever they have been seen.” We should have thought Mr. C. Marrmews and his Twenty Minutes | with a Tiger would have rendered quite unneces the introduction of Mapame Lanar?ag and the brutal guests with whom she sits down | | to dinner. The age for exhibitions of this kind had, we flattered our- | selves, been brought to a close, with the days when people wished to | see the unfortunate enthusiast, who insisted on descending like a | cannon-ball from a balloon, in a basket attached to an umbrella, which | | he hoped would break his fall; and, when the enlightened British | | public who had flocked to see a man hang himself by the neck at Vaux- | : hall, applauded him for ten minutes after he been without | their being aware of the fatal termination of the disgusting exhibition. | | It is true we have had men suspended by the heel to balloons in the | air; but, as we have lately seen an account of the insolvency of one of | a5 these flighty gentlemen, we came to the conclusion, that the profession | _of throwing oneself out of a car, at an altitude of some thousan feet in the air, was not adapted to the present taste of the public. We | regret, therefore, the apparently retrograde step that has been taken by the Managers of Drury Lane, in inviting the public to a feast so far removed from a feast of reason, as to mclude beasts for its guests, | while the hostess rams her head down the throat of the Lion, her | principal visitor. bial | Panch Prophesies a Picture. | ‘Tuer write from Paris, that “the apartment destined for the future | offspring of the Express is p It is close to the | | Emperor’s cabinet.” Here will be a subject for our historical painter— | | “ Lowis-Napoléon ITT. directing France with his head, and rocking the | hope of France with his foot!” Les extrémes se touchent / | increase their miserable salaries, which at present EGOTISM. Lorp Joun has had a fresh batch of cards Jrinted after the style of ond of detailing on theis than the doings promised, or we should rather say threatened, in the pose Che literary contemporaries, who are ds the grand works on which they modestly pin their fame. Thus, on our Viennese Plenipotentiary’s card, we now read, surrounded with beautiful flourishes, as follows : Lord John Russell, | | Author of “The Obstacles which have retarded | | Moral aud Political Progress.” “HEAVEN BLESS THE DUKE OF ARGYLE!” It seems the Duxe or Aner is to be the Postmaster-General. This is the first time that in England the name of Arncyie has been brought in close connection with the Post, though in Scotland, we believe, some such institution has long flourished under the ducal oo —— = [December 1, 1855. | Nounsery Tavism.—Too many Nurses spoil | | having for generations past been most efficacious in bri all hands up to the scratch. Let us hope one of the effects of the Duke’s appointment will be, to cure the postmen of the terrible itch | they have for opening our letters. In our opinion, the most effectual cure, and the one that would produce the least irritation, would be to are scarcely sufficient, with the tremendous amount of walking they have, to keep body and soul together, of their boots, much less their . the new Postmaster-General do this, and many a og mm worn-out fellow | to Post, will fervently exclaim, as he rushes Doxs or Ancriz!” “ Heaven Bless the | } A Brt to Botner Brornertoy.—Would a Vegetarian, who was taken to the Station-house on account of the greens, or the cawiflower, | having got into his head, be Green -yard ? Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Prater, at thew Office io Lombard Lendon.—Sarvasst, December }, 1965 Wobura Place, and Frederick Mullett Evins, of Vo. 19, Queen's Roac West, Regent's Park, both tm the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of M Stoeet, im the Precinct of Waitefnars, in the City of Loadoa, cai Puulishod by them at No. S, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. itd 08O Bride, in the City of up all night in the | | ’ ;

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I Decemser 8, 1855.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 225 | | — — mpgs —— LAW AT THE ANTIPODES. | ‘a | 2 Avstra.ia teems with illustrations of the curse / of gold, but perhaps one of the most melancholy results of the abundance of the “ precious ” metal is a list of between three and four hundred causes standing for trial before the Supreme Court of | Victoria. Gold has evidently introduced the demon of discord into the ny, and a large portion of the population would seem to be ava- | riciously holding back what another portion of __ | the population would appear to be intent on gras =| ine. his happy state of things, which can t |

none but the lawyers, may bean indication of the | wealth, but certaigly not of the health, of the = | place, and when we find the inhabitants of Mel- bourne consuming themselves and each other by litigation, we canoot help thinking, that this sort of commercial canni is worse than any- thing we have ret beset the manners and customs of the Aborigines,

“Young Poets,” and “an Old Reviewer.” | A Boox is advertised—The Young Poet's Assist- ant. And the assistance consists in a few hints given (otherwise on the composition of poetry. This, too—“ By an old Reviewer,” of | whom another Old Reviewer says—his “ experi- jence will be invaluable to the young poet—it _kindles hope and breathes encouragement,” That , is, it first gives alight to the poetic fuel, and then ____ —_— —___—_—— / | uses the bellows. So far so good; but if the Young Poet, by such encouragement be tempted PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE. to publish, who can doubt, encouraged by the Old 5 i Reviewer, that he will burn his fingers? Who is “ And smiled to see him mangle— the Old Keviewer; and is his photograph to be Henry V., Act ii., Scene 4. | had at Scotland Yard ?

| j aaa —_ | Upon the darkness of the night how often, gliding late and lone, FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE. Her little lamp, hope’s beacon-light, to eyes wah no hope else has shone ! | Tae floating froth of public praise blown lightly by each random gust, | Nor stood she single—that true heart attracted kindred hearts, a band . on Settles on trophies, bright for days, to lapse in centuries of rust. | That with her chose the better part-—young—gentle—ladies of the land : eis The public heart, that will be fed, but bas no art its food to choose | Who through those miles of wretchedness wrought with her both by me Grasps what comes readiest, stones for bread, rather than fast,will not night and day ; . : | refuse. And blessing, bred of gentleness, went with them ever on their way, | H hero- hip’s h has i ‘est | Falling like balm on passion wrung from festering wound or fever-pain, mes 8 - ge eo on aria yement fick, tevdeies Checking the foul word on the tongue, calming the fierce thought in the r | Where Carpicay struts, plumed and laced, or Hupson in brass lacquer brain ; shines. | Till all about those crowded wards a gradual gracious change befell, Yet when on top of common breaths a truly glorious name is flung, | Some holy influence bringing guards of Heaven, where, y came, | Scorn not because so many wreaths before unworthiest shrines are | was Hell. | hung. | And a that gentleness such strength, wisdom, and force of will were | Th >, h il insti : ide : blent, Oft Rad fale eae We — ,

Sitting im the seat of the scornful Seaseant Apams has evidently ae a si , corrupted his good manners. A juryman, the other day, applied to be ent, When England, mad with piteous wrath, but not less impotent to save, | released from duty, on the ground that he had urgent private affairs to and Saw her great army take its path, slowly, to an inglorious grave— —_— attend to. And what responded the unkind Witsam? “ Certainly od Stept calm and humble to the front, a young and saintly volunteer, not—that "s the excase made by the Crimean officers who don’t want the And—as those maiden martyrs wont, whose name the Church doth still | to fight.” Really, Mz. Wrrnam, considering the high rank and aris- | revere, | toeratic connections of the parties you refer to, this is not the way to 8 . “ Who don’t want to fight.” For shame, Sir. Had a set of peak ~~ battle’s | Private soldiers hurried away from their regiments, in the middie of re bravely a worse | battle, you might have used such an expression ; but it is not the thing rer, | J to say when gentlemen find it expedient to withdraw from the scene of the | Than any soldier of all there who on their bloody pallets east," conflict. Besides, you should have abstained from giving ne judicial Too t for speech, but not for care, could kiss her shadow as she | confirmation to the opinion which common people have formed upon | ’ b bj — . the subject. | Who in the arena for their faith did of ravening beast confront— | She, > face with pain and donk,

ay of VOL, XXIx. AA

fea OTE APSE : i

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PUNCH, [Decempzr 8, 1855. is constantly forming innumerable and stu- | pendous — Come, ALexanpeR, to Rome, tothe Holy Chair, which perfidy never approached, and from which humbug has always kept at a distance. Come, imitating the generous example of thy noble Imperial brother, the Earexor or Austaia ; let there be a Concordat between us; and yield thou the supremacy of Petersburg to the successor of Peter. Then will we supply thee with crosses that will insure conquest, and images warranted to gain thee miraculous victories.” OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE GENUINE ITALIAN IMAGE-MAN. (A HINT TO THE CZAR.) UR wonder is, that the Porg |}; does not publish a pastoral, improving the occasion afford- ed him, by the very ill-luck which both the late and the resent Emperors or Russia ave had with their crosses and images, considered in the light of warlike appliances ; the whole of that ecclesiastical EXTRACTS FOR GENERAL VON ammunition of theirs having | r proved quite unserviceable : | GERLACH’S DIARY. the crosses gt nothing, Potsdam, Monday Morning.—His Majesty late werd somes y ish _— this morning (and last night also) ate for break- a ; and 5 — “T. | fast part of a red-herring. Had no recollection of a -’ 5 — | having said, after supper, that he would stand no roe =e an a 7. — . more of his nephew's nonsense, and of having iefeat, _ 1Dg a lnker drunk “ Success to the Allies.” Seems also to cleat at Alma and ipker- | }ave forgotten bis resolution to send Bunsen to England again. His views this morning evidently mann, to protect Bomarsund, Eupatoria, Sveaborg, Kertch, | pacific. Monday Evening —The King still depressed at | | or Kinburn, or avert the Surely, fall of Sebastopol. his Holiness might plausibly argue, there must be some mistake about these saints and crosses. Our friend Pros might then proceed to point out the mis- mm take, by shi i crosses were Greek crosses instead of Latin; and the saints either Greek saints, and therefore schismatical ; pseudo, | or sham saints, or else Latin saints ; and, consequently, not who could possibly | of Having demonstrated these great truths, the Holy Father might proceed to invite the Czar’s attention to that establishment, saints , think soldiers of the Greek or schismaticai Church. whereat only the right crosses and genuine images are to be procured. “Come,” the Pontiff might exclaim, “come, my son, where the wonderful statues of true saints really wink, and are seen in reality to nod their sacred heads. venerable wooden noses distil drops of absolutely undeniable blood. Come where the Bambino “TO BE, OR NOT TO BE,”—(A BARONET?) “ Tat is the question ”— The Right Hon. the Lory Mayor is,‘in every way, justified in asking, not only himself in particular, but the Mimistry in general. We know that when it pleased Hen Masesty to cause it to be made known to the lustrous and expansive Moon, that, in consequence of the light vouchsafed him by the Emperor or tHe Frencu, he, the Loxp Mayor, would be re-created, that is, would be made a baronet,—it was also made known to all Aldermen who had still to pass the chair, that such an incident was not to be misinterpreted into a precedent. The line was to be drawn at Moon. We earnestly trust that this determination will be re-considered. The Kine ov Sarprnia banquets in the City. Even Deputy Peacock does not scream at that. Well, the King having feasted with Lorp Satomons, shall his departure leave behind no remaining lustre? Shall his Majes'y not have Avs baronet? We think this rather hard. There is, however, a precedent for taking little heed of kings. At the Congress of Erfurt, the Emperors or France and Russia, cn their arrival at the theatre, were each saluted with three rolls of the had only two. splendour of the King of Wurtemberg’s carriage, was about to order the triple salute; on which the officer in command cried out—“ Silence ! it’s only a King!” Therefore, should the precedent we have alluded to be rigorously held, the Lonp Mayor, denied his metcy, must console himself with the thought that his royal guest was “only a king.” Perhaps, however, his lordship is open to a composition. Will he take a knighthood ? A GenTLeMan writes in one of the papers, deploring the destruction | of an invaluable old MS. of the Bible, which, by a menial’s blunder, | was sold to a Pyrotechnician, Punch is sorry to say, that servants are | not the only people who turn Bibles into fireworks. What shall be said of Calvinists—what of Redemptorist Fathers ? drums: mere kings | We are told that the officer, deceived by the outside | | dinner-time, but had regained his spirits after his first bottle of cham e. Became decidedly warlike in the course Of the evening; said that he was determined Prussia should take her proper | position in Europe; said that there was nobody he pemuamee more than Napoteon THe THIRD; | called Victron EMMANUEL 2 hero ; declared that he bad the feelings of a father for Her Burranyic Masesty: and ordered his band in attendance to play “ God Save the ee | Yuesday Morning—His Majesty with a bad headache, sighing continually, calling the Czar “Poor ALEXANDER;” and recommending me and Nrepuuk to pray fervently for peace. owing that the supporting the Beadledom. Tere is something of the Beadle in every man, that bursts out with all the consequence of brass-tipped authority the moment a staff is put into his hands. Come where their RUSSIAN PRIZES. Turze suspicious-looking craft have been taken lately cruising about the Pacific. They were sailing under English colours, but there is no doubt, from their having Russian papers on board, that they belonged to the Russian service. Their names respectively were Joha Bright, Richard Cobden, and William Gladstone. hen brought into dock, they were severely examined, and plenty of evidence secured in the shape of speeches, &c., to preve their close relationship with the Court of St. Petersburg. The tendency of all these documents mani- fested but too clearly a strong antipathy to the policy of Eogland, whilst, at the same time, they advocated the warmest interest in favour of the tactics pursued by the barbarian Colossus of the North. Other proofs established beyond a doubt their Russian origia and sympathies, and accordingly they have all been condemned as Russian Prizes, It is not expected, however, that they will fetch much, as not one of the craft has anything of value on board. A Hint for Jullien. Tue great maestro has given us, with all the grand emotions of the subject most musically rendered, The Sebastopol Waltz: why does he not, as a moral warning, produce The Gent’s Galop? It might begin with a silver opening indicative of the spoon stirring the gin-and-water, ending with a few powerful bars descriptive of a lock-up for the night in the station-house. “ Pragile!” Tue Public Hall of Taunton, lately devoted to the meetings of the Mormonites, is closed for want of Mormons. However, the building may still be labelled “fragile,” inasmuch as it has been taken by 4 glass and china-dealer for business purposes. It is impossible that his giass can be more brittle than the “ weaker vessels;” that his mugs can be more cracked than the elders.

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of put the he gin ter, ght the jing y a his ugs Decemper 8, 1855.) EUROPE, SPEAK OUT! “Silence is an error.”—Lovis Napo.zos. SILENce is an error, mischievous and weak, Peoples ! when the crisis demands that you should speak. Si'euce is an error, fatal as absurd, Now that if peace you would command, you need but give the word. Silence is an error, when your will exprest, Boasting ALEXANDER’s purpose would arrest, Aud of Perex, Carnentye, and Nicsoxas, the track Prevent him from advancing on, to make you ail Silence is an error, when, if you spoke out, Russia to her own back would have to keep her knout. Silence is an error, unless *tis your intent : To bend your necks to Russia’s yoke ; for silence gives consent. Silence is an error, when the Muscovite Menaces the age with eclipse and dreary night. Silence is an error, when you have power to say Barbarian hordes shall not again extinguish Europe’s day- Silence is an error ; speech can do no harm, Were your judgment adverse, the Allies it might disarm, On their side pronounced, would compel the War to cease - So silence is an error, if your wishes are for peace. WORTHY OF THE ATTENTION OF PLURALISTS. In the Times of the 30th ult., was the subjoined appeal, by way of advertisement :— A CLERGYMAN, nearly 20 years in orders, is close upon starvation or the workhouse. £20 would save him; will no one offer it? MS. sermons of his own for sale ; one lent for a stamp.— Rev. J. R. H., Post-office, Brighton. This must be a case of imposition. Is it likely that the Bisuor or Fizsupots, for instance, would be deaf to such acry? No; he bas no doubt sought out “J. R. H.,” has weighed him, and found him want- ing. Again, the loan of a sermon for a penny is suspicious. Sermons in stones bave become a proverb; but who ever heard of sermons in coppers ? The School for Street Boys. Tuers is a great want, it seems, of Reouelesy Institutions for Juvenile Offenders. Perhaps this want might be advantageously sup- plied by a slight improvement of existing institutions for the correction of old rogues; namely, those marine varieties of “quod” which are commonly called hulks. The hulk in its earlier stage would perhaps supply a convenient asylum for delinquents of early years. In a word, why cannot untaught urchins be sent to a boarding-school on board a man-of-war, and there trained up to be honest tars, instead of thieves and vagabonds ? | Deatu sy Drownxe.—It isbut too trae—Austria has flung her- self into the Holy See! The suicidal act is generally attributed to | Jnsanity. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 227 THE FLOWERS OF THE TEMPLE. Tu Templars bave been again radiant and vigorous in their show of chrysanthemums in the Temple Garden. These glories have become a delightful fact ; and very humanising, very pleasing in its influence. The coal-bargemen of the ‘Thames pause on the oar to con- templa'e the flowers of law, and the Captain of the Bride, cries “ Ease her!” that he may drop gently by the Garden, bright and gaudy with the floral triumph. However, it must not be su that this annual chrysanthemum show meets with favour from ali the benchers: by no means; there are among them men who, with a due reverence for the |severity of law, have been known to express an opinion, that the annual display of flowers is only an exhibition of great weakness. Think of the awful THuRLoz with a rose-bud in his button-hole! Imagine the great Lornp Expow = that, too, ‘in the Court of | 's-ease Chancery) having anything to do with heart’ Nevertheless, it cannot be denied that the Temple chrysanthemums | carry away the pg of admiration at least from all other chrysanthe- mums soever. We resolved to take the trouble of practically inquiring into the cause of this. We therefore put on en over-coat with two Very large pockets—and (what will not Mr, Punch do in the cause of truth and seience and the readers of his journal price 3¢.?) making our way to the Temple Gardens, we, from time to time, looking closely into the retiring merits of some indivi: flower— Pa ap J are all ehris- tened)—seme “ Blackstome splendens,”’ .” some “ Bidon dubitans,” some “ Talford * some “ Bacon duplex,” —furtively filled both pockets with the mould, in order to apalyse its component parts. As usual, we found that all the success was a question of soil. The chrysanthemums Were because of the excellence of the loam and in which they were planted. On a careful analysation, Mr. Punch found the soil to contain one part of horse-hair; three of ment; one of silk and two of stuff. As rags are necessary for the cultivation of hops, so it appears are legal silk and stuff most beneficial to the chrysanthemum. To these there were four parts of scrapings from the scrapers of the Lans of Court ; and thirteen parts of fine bone-dust—making, no doubt, a beautiful Pn dts, Ty oma from departed suitors in the Court of | Chancery. ow, then, can we wonder at the magnificence of the Templars’ chrysanthemums, looking at the cost of the soil that nourishes and developes them ? ; eee es “THE HOUSE OF ELMORE.” We see a Book advertised under the above title. As we are not visitors of the ELMones, we are anxious to know what kind of a House they have. Is it a private, or a public House? Is it a House in the City, |or a Greek House, or a Meashesion House? Is it a House in the hardware, or the dry, or the soft goods line? or does it deal in coals, pickles, periodicals, greengrocery, baby-jumpers or perambulators? Is it a safe House, or a cheap and dirty House? Is it respectable, or | merely ashabby-genteel House that gives dismal evening parties, where you can get nothing but Marsala and ham-sandwiches? As yet, we only know that the House is to be Sold in Three Vols, and as we have no particular affection for the name of E:mone, and know nothing about his House, excepting that the valuation modestly put upon it is £1 lis. 6¢., we are not very likely to become tenants or visi'ors of his. The agents for selling the House (whether it consiste merely of one story, or several stories, we are not told) are Messas. Huxast anp Biackett ; but we believe any one can become a day-tenant upon the payment of a penny a volume to any circulating library. Upon those terms, we may look in upon Ex_More some foggy afternoon, and run through his House. Decision in Irish Lunacy. Iy the Court of Queen’s Bench, Dublin, Jupce Cramproy, with the concurrence of Jupces Pena and Moore, ruled, in the case of BeaMisu versus Beamisu, that a Clergyman might legally marry himself. Therefore it would seem that a Cheeyues, in Ireland at least, is a man beside a woman, unless the judges who pronounced the deci- sion were men beside themselves. Spain's Offering to Rome. Tus Queen or Spars has sent two pictures by Mvurizo to the Pore—one of them The Prodigal Son. It ought to have been altered to The Prodigal Daughter ; the personification of Spain, and the Lady who never pays her debts, especially to heretical England. Such a picture wud have been doubly dear to the Papal turnkey of Austria. daninceaeenerninheteneniaginatnias | Exeren Cuanor Axcape.—Return of admission for the six days ending December the First; Number admitted, including tenants, 9; | Corresponding week last year, 7. ~rs - RR UG AED O riiiammaneal r beac. od oe yp Ae mm gata hee 8! evel gaye AE oe

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PUNCH, OR THE Li INDON CHARIVARIT NO CONS “Tsay, Jack! Wno’s tTHatT come TO “ Oviy tHe Parson!” “ Ou, LEAVE HIM THERE, THEN! Hz won’? BE WANTED UNTIL NEXT Sundar!” EQUENCE. Grier mw tHe Ditcu 7.” TORY TREATY AND TRAITORS, Oour odd friends the “ Conservative Statesmen,” (who are not busily intriguing in concert with Messrs. GLapstone anp Baicut, O dear no!), are very active in their peace-preaching just now. “hey want to upset Lonp Patmenrston at any price, and high prices and eonsequent privations appear to these patriots a capital leverage. So, they are promulgating arumour, that the Emperor oF enaee has offered terms of peace, that the Emrgror or THE Frenca has approved them, and that Lornp Patmerston rejects them, in order to prolong the War for | the sake of prolonging his own popularity as a vigorous War-Minister. | Most people set down this rumour as a deliberate falseh invented by greedy and unscrupulous factionists ; but to regard it im this light is to do the Opposition an injustice. There is some truth in it. The | Emperor or Russia Aas privately signified to Ma. Disraewt, that he | should like to make peace upon certain terms, and these be they :-—~ | 1. That the Allies should withdraw from Russia. | 2. That they should formally restore all they have taken, thereby | confirming the Russian title to it, for the future. 3. That they should pay Russia for whatever damage they have | caused her. | | 4. That a treaty should place everything as it’stood before the War. 5. That Russia should promise to give Europe no further cause for uneasiness. | 6. That a Conservative Ministry should take office here, which Ministry should include Lonp Matmespvry, asa “ material guarantee ” that whatever amount of “grovelling” might be required of England by Russia, Austria, or any other despotic power, would cheerfully be performed, as during his Lordship’s former tenure of office. 7. That the alliance with France should be relaxed, and broken off as | soon as possible. These are the principal “ terms” offered by ‘Russia, ‘and to these | | the Conservative intriguers see no objection; and there is no doubt that if they took office, the spirit, if not the very letter, of such terms would be the key to the Conservative policy. Bat they have not yet been submitted to the Empgror or THE Frencu, nor to Lorp Pat- merston, and Mr. Punch lays them before those distinguished persons, | not with any great idea that the proposals will be accepted, but to vin- | dicate an industrious Opposition from the suspicion (natural enough, certainly) of having put mto cireulation a mere falsehood. EAT NO SUGAR! It being an understood thing, that the high price of sugar was caused by three or four avaricious s rs, who went into the | | sugar-market and bought all they could find, we hope these greedy | | mercenaries who were so anxious to sack the saccharine, will be allowed | to keep full possession of their bargain. Let everybody abstain from | sugar as much as he can, so that those who rapaciously forestalled the | sweets, may now have some of the bitters. Let the holders of su find that the article, which was supposed to be “a very nice thing,” has become a drug in the market. Let infancy be taught to abstain from the tempting lollipop; let old maids practise patriotism over their cups—we mean of course their tea-cups—by drmking their favourite beverage without sugar, Already the sugar abstinence movement is; taking effect, and the sordid speculators are obliged to submit toa | reduction of their unhallowed profits. Let those who can’t afford white, | refuse to adopt brown, and thus set the principle of “snowing brown when you can’t snow white” at defiance. Bread is a necessary, but sugar is not; so let all who wish to give a lesson to avarice, renounce sweet-stuff of every kind, eschew pastry of all sorts, and allow all the sugar to remain in the docks, without being transferred to the domestic basin. The Russians at Cross Purposes. Tue Czar ALexanpeR has presented his troops with some thousands of crosses. To those crosses we hope the arms of the Allies will add considerable number of reverses. ATTtMryscyYy rryrywgT * TW TOA sYrrmnryar i sTartr

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| —_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemser 8, 1855. THE BEAR AND RAGGED STAFF. \ a — — ST - a eaalians _" go © shone 322.2 « | [a ay ey py og i ae | Bsfee page es EsPEtLsebe ess #

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| Decemper 8, 1855.]} PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 231 AN EXCOMMUNICATED KING IN FRANCE. Tue Kixe or Sarpria suffers the blight of the Pore’s excommuni- cation. His Holiness has breathed the red plague upon that forlorn creature, Victor Emmanvet. Wheresoever his Majesty walks or sits, there walks or sits in shadow, the Evil One lacqueying him unto the end—and such an end! Victon Emmawvet has laid his profane hand upon the monasteries of Piedmont, having no more mercy of the pious things tnat harboured there than vigorous housewives in summer-time have of the winter tenants of their bedsteads. In his ruthless extermina- tion, Victron Emmanvet would not have spared even the chosen flea of Sr. Francis; the saint, as it is well known to al! pious students of his affecting life, in his humility, claiming brotherhood with the smallest things that hop or crawl. overtheine, so hard had the heart of Victor EmmanveEt become, that even the sacred garment of a Sr. Fxancis would have failed in the sacredness of iis asylum to the things that are commonly harboured and comforted in a monk’s gown. For the evil of excommunication was and is upon Victor EMMANUEL; and like the Krye or Israet, he had become foolish under the visitation— foolish and frantic. He knew not what he did; but that was no reason he should not be all the more scourged for his ignorance. Well, Victor resolves to visit heretical England—the only place | fitted for him, on his downward way, thinks His Holiness the Pors, He must, however, pass through France ; pious France; France with a | fresh fragrance, as of lilies and violets upon her from the fresh oaths of bishops ; newly-sworn to new fidelity to their Catholic Master, the true son and servant of the Pore, Napotgon THE Tub of Lron Presence. Victor is an excommunicated man, Al] that approaches him is cursed by the destroying breath of the Church! Fire only can purify whatever has touched him. He stands alone, made solitary by the perdition that is hung around him. t him die to-morrow, and—with the Pore’s holy will working—Victorn Emmanvet must even cumber the earth; for no consecrated dust may cover him. Nevertheless, this curse-crowned King—this King robed with the maledictions of the Pope—comes to France, and French Cardinals and Bishops, with the wisdom of serpents and the innocence of doves, forget the moral sores of the tainted backslider. Though a Lazanvs of Sin, he is to France fresh as the Shepherd Davip. Is not this beautiful? Does not the Christian heart melt like ambergris at the thought of this charity, stirring and active—(there can be no doubt of the fact, for is it not written in the Moniteur 7)—and yearning with affectionate forgetfulness towards the chosen, the honoured guest of the Most Catholic and no less Most Resolute Narotzon tHe Turep? These good Churchmen behold not the excommunicated of the Porg; they only look upon the King whom the Emrenor delights to honour, Therefore is it, that the wise Imperial heart resolves to do a special grace to these honey-hearted sons of the Church ; and therefore Napo- LEON THE ResoLute determines to receive anew their plighted oaths to him and his state, even in the presence of Victor Emmanve the Excommunicate. But the Cardinals and the Bishops behold not the leper of Rome. No: they smile upon a hirsute Christian; one with hair that might have honoured Samson ere he laid his head in the lap of Dettran Heresy. And Cardinals and Bishops swear again; take another oath, with a new relish, even as though the new oa'h of fidelity a a new mouthful of wine. Two Bishops were seen to smack their ips at it. More than this. So wholly had the thoughts of the direful condition of Victron Emmanvet passed from the ecclesiastical mind, that the Pore’s Nuncio—yea, the Nuncio of the Pore ; of that Pore whose destroying breath had over the sacrilegious Victor, making, from head to heel, blotehes of his whole body—the Porr’s Nuncio with a face bright as the face of any painted Saint in any cathedral window,—introduced to that right royal, hirsute and debonnaire sove- reign, all the ambassadors of all the kings ; even as it is ever the blithe duty of the Pore’s Nuncio to do. Yea, even the ambassador, the chosen one of Francis-Joseru, the chosen one of Pio Nono, by the servant of the Porg was brought face to face with the excommunicated Sardinian; and Nuncio, and Ambassador, and Potentate Excommu- nicate all swiled accordi i. And so healing is the will of Naroteon tHe Resoxvre that, albeit certain Cardinals and Bishops—(and the weather for sunny France was not bright)—had certain symptoms of severest colds; nevertheless, so healing is the Imperial will, not even an ecclesiastical cough was heard. The Bisnor or —— put down, with ali a Charchman’s will, a nascent sneeze. And in this manner Victor Emmanvet the Excom- municated of the Pors was received in Paris by Cardinals and Bishops, the dutiful sons of Rome. Imperial Footmarks. ALEXANDER, on his accession to the throne of Russia, declared that he would tread in the footsteps of Petex, of Caruenine, and of Nicno.as. He has done so very nicely—with such precision as not in the least to disturb the impressions of the cloven hoof. TOLERATION FOR THE BIBLE-BURNERS. | Ix a Natural History of Enthusiasm might be described a tribe of | fanatics, — Class, Popish; O:der Monastic. It appears that some maniacs of this species have been burning Bibles at Kingstown in Ireland : and we are sorry to find, that certaim monks, accused of that rofanation, are in course of being proseguted for it. Prosecute such om for committing an act calculated to oke a breach of the ace, if you like—but not for the — crime of burning Bibles. he Bible, surely, will vindicate itself. e them to burn the Bible, if they please, and their own fingers. Let them burn the Bible; and do you get it read; their use ot the beok will second yours. A sincere Protestant would think it a impious act to burn the Douay, or Roman Catholic version of the Scriptures. He believes it to contain mistranslations—which is all the Papists allege against the authorised translation, Nay, more,—he believes it to contain interpo- lations, additions, and ridiculous fables. But he knows that the re- mainder of it consists of genuine text, and he would shudder at the idea of burning that with the rest of it. That Papists should exhibit themselves as burning Truth, because of its presumed admixture with a little error, is an advantage to Protestantism. The “ Redemptorist Fathers,” as they call themselves, are the | parties charged with Bible-burnmg. It is but fair to say, that one of them, a Mr. De Bueeenoms—this ridiculous name is no coin of ours, reader—denies the impeschment—so does Fatuer M‘Evor: but whilst contradicting the fact, he justifies the thing. He would do it himself, he says, with the help of a pair of tongs to seize the Bible. These “ Redemptorists ” are said to have burnt the Bible, together with some immoral works. If this is so, it is a —_ strong argument against prosecuting them. Burning the Bible in the company of bad hooks is such a very edifying imitation of a ce.tain deed done by the Jewish Priests imperante Tiberio, when Trsexics was Emperor of Rome—and Pontius Pitare procurator of Judea, Don’t prosecute them. Give them rope enough, and leave them to unish themselves. Let them burn a pile of Bibles, if they dare ; only thankful that they cannot have a Protestant in the centre of it chained to a stake. Be content, in the meanwhile, to burn Guy Fawkes in effigy, which, if “ offensive to the feelings of our Catholie fellow-suhjects,” is nevertheless no insult to Christianity. Allow the | — to fry what they like—taking only good care that they shall not ry us. Tuinxk, ALexaNnDER, what a sea of blood Thy father, of mankind the curse, and thou, Since first he slipp’d the dogs of war, till now, Have caused the bosom of this earth to flood, Turning the happy fields to hideous mud. Unmerciful destroyer! Ponder how Many a kee! fit deepest waves to plough In that red gulf before the gale might scud. Think also of the bitter depth of tears Which Nicuotas and thou have made to flow ; And then consider, in that mournful brine If ye could not, all, over head and ears Be soused : if those collective drops of woe Would not suffice to drown thee, wretch, and thine ? | sone meas | } | | SONNET TO THE CZAR. } MORMONITE ECONOMY. A Writer in the New York Herald, in giving an account of the Mormons, says :— “The ladies of Utah have adopted a new ‘eostume, which seems to be graduall increasing io favour. It consists of a loose fitting dress, resembling in cut a man's } sack coat, being buttoned in front, and reaching a few inches below the knees, a pair | of pantalets adorning the ankles, and a Leghorn hat sect jauntily upon the head —being in fact « modification of the Bloomer Costume. The ladies are thus relieved of a superabundant load of petticoats, and their husbands are freed from paying for more than two-thirds the usual quautity of dry goods—e no small item of expense in this country Pausing for one moment to call on the editor of Le Follet to shudder at the horrid idea of describing ba:éges, muslin, moire antique, &., as “dry goods,” let us observe, that this curtailment of petticoats, skirts, and flounces, must really be a very convenient thing for Mormonite husbands. In monogamous London the dis ent on account of | those same “dry goods” is heavy enough; but if the same garments were fashionable in the vicinity of the Salt Lake as those that are in vegue on the banks of the Thames, how awfully expensive would conjugal bappiness be in polygamous UL tah. | Tue Trara Enxtancen.—The triple crown has become a fourfold diadem, in virtue of the Concordat concluded between the Pore and Austria. | eee

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THEATRICAL INTELLIGENCE. = the Raghag valled, can be PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHA Prece of theatrical in- formation is alwars welcome. Mr. Punch is happy to be able to announce, that the spirited Manager of the Royal Ragbag Theatre has, with his accus- tomed energy and lihe- rality, enfrusted the first number of Little Dorrit to one of our most facile dramatists, for immediate adap- tation to the stage, and that it will be brought out as soon as the scenic effects, for which is unri- acdle- quately prepared. The “ Dioramic View of Marseilles,” the - “Foundling Chapel,” (with real organ ) and “Little Dorrit’s Home,” will be among the most remarkable scenes, We must not forestal the labours of RIVARI. |Decemszr 8, 1855. THE LAST NEW CLUB. It has long been the practice for people to associate themselves into clubs for all sorts of purposes, and hence we have Political Clubs, Goose Clubs (they are not always the same thing), Debating Clubs, Coal and Coke Clubs, with a variety of other denominations of clubs of a more or less useful character. Some of the population of Cricklade have, it appears, collected themselves into a Sparrow lab, the utility of which it is difficult to conceive, unless it is to practise the art of hopping the twig, that those very odd hirds of a feather are in the habit of flocking together. We fear, however, from a raph in the Wilts Independent, that the aim of the club is not altogether harmless, but that it aims at the unfortunate sparrows themselves; for one of the members is stated to have produced at the last meeting nearly four thousand dead sparrows, of which he had been the executioner. For this valiant feat he obtained ten shillings, in addition to such other reward as his conscience may have | bestowed upon him. If the Sparrow Club prospers, and its members obtain prizes by the | slaughter of some thonsands of harmless birds, we shall not be surprised at the establishment of a Fly and Blue-bottle Clab, on the same humane and high-spirited principle. The sport in the regular fly-season would be something quite over- | whelming, and it might require the services of a | professional actuary to count the carcases of the | flies brought in as trophies, if the members should | ~Fie ase tke nce -~ i dee rs so well for the public | gratification ; but we may be permitted to mention, that an admirable conclusion has already | been constructed by the accomplished dramatist, and that the real secret of Tatrycoram'’s | in the most startling way. ‘The whole force of the company will be thrown the author’s original idea be presented in a piece at once faithful and | TRaLiTY.”—Prussia’s right With such Managers there is yet hope for the British Drama. history, is develo into the cast, an dramatic. Manager who caters | exhibit the same energy for ter as the spar- row-butchers of Cricklade have recently exhibited. Paussia’s “Imposinc attirupE oF Nev- reposing on a | Corkscrew ! THE AUSTRIAN EXHIBITION FOR 1859. | | Tue Emreror Faancis-Josernu has resolved, that there shall be an Austrian Exhibition in 1859. The Emperor is right to name so lou aday. After the astounding exhibition he has just made of himself, the world can afford to wait. What do we say,—the world? The | world is to have nothing to do with the show. The world is desired to | keep its distance. The Exhibition is to comprise only the products and manufactures of Austria, Hungary, and her Italian Slave-States. | This is quite right; otherwise M/r. Punch had, at the first blush of the | thing, resolved to take a certain space for the exhibition of his own | | volumes—books from which the thoughtful Austrian might, haply, | have learned a still finer appreciation of the abounding beauties of the | | Austrian Constitution as therein pictorially, and at times poetically, | illustrated. As, however, Mr. Punch is not to be permitted to exhibit | | the marvels of his own genius, he will nevertheless not refuse the | service of his advice as to certain of the articles to be shown to an instructed generation—articles of Austrian, and Austro-Italian produce | and manufacture. We give a few: namely— Specimen of the stone of the Spielberg, in which the wicked Srtvto | Pe..ico was immured ; also specumen strips of lead from the Piombi of | Venice. Various specimens of Austrian hemp, as worked into ropes in 1548 | for the rebels of Hungary. é Specimens of oak grown throughout the whole empire; more par- ticularly of the sort of oak used for scaffolds,— “ The tree of Austria 's the gibbet-oak.” Specimens of the paper of Austria in the letter written by Count Beruey, in which he narrates how Count LeininGEn in his dungeon rophetically warned Haynau “not to_venture on a visit to England, for the people would stone him.” | Specimens of the precious gems of Austria, comprising among others the let of rubies worn by the Ancu-Ducagss Soraia (mother of “ Austria’s hope”) on the anniversary of Arad. The rubies set in so | many roses as were the number of heads of the Hungarians who fell | there: “a bracelet she delights to wear!” Cast of Fxancis-Josern’s conscience, taken in Roman Cement. Specimen of—but no; Mr. Punch thinks that, at least for the present, he has suggested sufficient. A Post-orrice Purti.—Yesterday, Mr. Rowianp Hi gave his | first lesson to Mastek AxGy t in his Letters. crop. ABUSE OF BRITISH HOSPITALITY. Caw it be endured that the organ of a set of Aliens should presume | to hold the following language concerning Her Masesty’s illustrious ally, Victron Emmanve.? “ With all loyalty towards our Gracious Soverzren, be it permitted us to say, that if | our Sardinian ally could be weil and effectually humbled without extending the horrors of war over Western Europe, and without inflicting misery and bloodshed on his innocent subjects, few things would be more pleasing, as few things would be more richly deserved.’ Ah! there is no doubt that we must have an Alien Act passed, and fellows who dare to express wishes for the humiliation of one of the QoeeEn’s allies in time of War, bundled out of the country neck and “ With all loyalty to our Gracious Soverziey,” forsooth, these worthies pretend to combine that traitorous wish—traitorous in regard to Queen Victoria. All their loyalty may seem to be a very little all —but it must be considered, that the real sovereign of these foreigners is Pius tue Nintu, Pope of Rome. The paper whence the above passage is taken is one of the organs of the sarl onalaats in England, called the Catholic Standard. It is said to be the official organ of CarprnaL Wiseman; which we hope is not true; if it is, we can only say that what is sauce for L’Homme should be sauce for the Catholic Standard, and that Aliens who are tarred with the same brusb, ought also to be indiscriminately feathered. English Masquerades. It must be confessed, that the English are not clever at Masquerades. “The fact is, (says Old Whyte Choaker of Exeter Hall), the wild recklessness, the furious abandon, the dishevelled riotousness of your continental carnivals cannot be transplanted into an English soil. The national character, Sir, is against it. Thank Heaven, a French mas- 1” querade in England is quite a Moral Impossibility ! Look out Below! Aw article on the Improvement of the Dwellings of the Labouring lasses assures us, that “the houses of the poor fall under several heads.” We are sorry to hear of any house tumbling about the ears of the inhabitants, but it is gratifying at least to know, that “the houses of the poor fall under (instead of over) several heads,” which might otherwise be placed in considerable jeopardy.

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, —— Decemser 8, 1855.]

MRS. SWANSDOWN’S WORK-TABLE. A CONVEYANCING LECTURE FOR THE LADIES. “ Steal, foh! the wise do call it convey.” —Shakspeare. OSsIBLY now, you under- stand the process. One lawyer es as many costs as he can in showing that his client has a right to sell, and then another lawyer, to make more costs, picks the other man’s work to pieces, Mr. Graussr has “ ad- vised” that the title to the Work-table was good, and Ma. pe Kavit has found a great number of holes in that title. You may imagine what sort of bills are being run up.! Recollect? my darlings, | that the prevalence of this | system is the real reason | why your papas and hus-' bands cannot afford to } buy you nice little houses, or cottages, or pooinn, which, had we a rational system, a Code Puach, you might as easily have as a pony carriage, or a trip to Italy. I do not want to give you too many illustrations of the beantiful system | of swindle, by means of which lawyers thrive and land is an article + out of the market, but I must just show you another step or two in t history of the Work-table. Will you be kind enough to look back to our last lecture? You will | see that it comprises Mx. De Kavit’s objections to the title. These objections were laid before Ma. Gaussy, that he might answer them. And he did so in this way. “ With all deference to the opinion of the eminent counse! who has perused this abstract, I retain my opinion of the perfect goodness of the title. The question, whether the Work-table does not belong to the a or Encxanp, as forfeited by the presumed treason of the acobite officer, may be thus disposed of. The rebellion (see SmoLLert, Pinnock’s Catechism, Gotpsmitu, Harpw’s Dates, the Stream of Time, the Penay History of England, &c.) took place in 1745. We are now in 1855. A simple arithmetical process will show that the distance between the two dates is 110 years. By the statute of Vu//um Tempus, which seems to have escaped the learned counsel’s memory, the time for forfeiture is limited to 60 years. Now, we have had quiet enjoy- ment for 109 years, and we do not mean to let in the Sovenzien. “As regards the difference between the signatures ‘Lerrr’ and ‘Laurrtis,’ | admit that the difficulty is considerable. Reasoning by analogy, it is as fair to presume that a lady named ‘ Letitia’ should, in the permitted licence of playfulness and affection, be called ‘Lerry,’ as that another, who has been christened ‘Marcaret,’ should be called ‘ Mapas,’ ‘ Mgc,’ or even ‘Mercoums;’ that ‘ Atice’ should be termed * Lat;’ or ‘Many Catuesive’ abbreviated and condensed into ‘ Por-Kirr.’ But more stringent proof may perhaps be reasonably demanded, and we will obtain a commission to send and examine wit- nesses, in several of the counties of England where old-fashioned names are most likely to linger, as to the use of the word ‘Lerrr.’ Affidavits shall also be obtained from old inhabitants who may have known similar abbreviations. 45 of renunciation shall be procured from the descendants of the Jacobite officer. These number about one hundred and twelve. One is a lunatic, and therefore we shall be obliged to issue a commission de lunatico inquirendo against him, and get up evidence of his lunacy, but this will not be very difficult, for we are instructed that he is fre- quently detected in reading the Morning Advertiser. We believe that the hundred and eleven will sign; but if not, a friendly Chancery suit will be the shortest way to induce them to do so. “ The iady and her husband are so far from being alive, that they have been dead for seventy years. A certificate of the burial of the former shall be obtained, but he went to America, and died there shortly after the breaking out of the Revolutionary War. I think at this distance of time his death may be assumed, as few men of active lives survive over 150 years. But, if insisted on, we will send over to America for evidence. ; “ Of the missing knob we can give no account, except a tradition in ¢ family, that one day a nursemaid rushed up-stairs to her mistress Swanspown’s mother) and exclaiming, ‘O, Mum, Mum, Mum, iss have been and swallerd it,’ immediately fell into a large sponging bath full of water. On investigation the Ithen) little girl proteste that she had swallowed nothing, It is thought that the article referred

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 233

to as ‘it’ was the knob in question, and that its being silver had tempted the cupidity of the girl, who had recourse to this ingenious method of diverting suspicion. as. Swanspown will have no objec- tion to let the knob be replaced by some wy silversmith. “ As regards the date of the letter, ’46, I think it is not likely that a lady shown to be alive and young in 1746, would have written a sportive letter in 1646, or in 1546, but evidemee as to the date of the rebellion shall be furnished. “The reason why Mus. Swanspown’s mother received the gift,

instead of any of her sixteen brothers and si is stated in a doeu- ment, of which a copy is herewith sent. It was her for being the ba one < the lot vay whip —s black jalap, o sats without being 10 whipped, having nose ing t sdministration ‘of the medicament Bo i eeetaenery ath wal a great , but m to depose “ this fact, — he — remembers. ray however, obtain the hundred i @ covenant or tse aquinat Claas tg ad alee tent “ The searches in Tegisters bat Ma. Da Kavit is in error in the donor’s to have been a Catholic. He had no particular that of an officer, until he went to America, where he and preached non-resistance, to the great disgust of ASHINGTON. “Gipzom Grussr, “ Lincoln’ s Inn.” This being sent back to Ma. De Kavi, he made a variety of counter- replies, and at last it was thought best that the two learned should meet and talk over the business. For this called a Consultation was arranged, at which the two counsel and the two attorneys attended, and you also shall attend, my dears, if you like.

A GLUT OF NATIONAL ANTHEMS, Tae visit of the Krve or Sanpinra to the Extpzron oF Tux Frenca has nécessitated the addition of another national anthem to the repertoire of ail the French orchestras. I[f the alliance against Russia should become general, it will be impossible in the country of any of the Allies to get up a concert the me of which will consist of anything but National Anthems. Already the Mows. JuLiien is com- pelled to devote nearly one-fourth of his orchestral performances to God Save the Queen, Rule Britannia, and Partant pour la Syrie, which are usually played twice each, at least, in every evening, and these are about to be added to by the introduction of the Sardinian, with possibly also the Turkish National Anthem. Of course we can have no objection to these compliments being pajd to our Allies, but we merely point out the fact, that if Sweden joins with us (as we are told it will), if Austria should become our ally (as we hope it will not), and if Prussia should be ermitted to associate with us (as we don’t think it ought), there will no less than eight National Airs or Anthems to be performed and encored at every concert in London. This will give a tremendous total of sixteen pieces of a patriotic or complimentary nature to be gone through, irrespective P pee other addition that may be made to the programme. We must therefore suggest, that if all the contemplated alliances should take place, we must be satisfied to give up all other music, and content ourselves with concerts consisting entirely of National Anthems.

THE THREE B'S. Catechism by an Irish Occupant with a conscientious Objection to the Payment of Rent. Q. Wuar is Ballot ? A. Something wanted to protect a tenant against bad Landlords, Q. What is Billet ? . f A. Something whose abolition would protect Landlords against bad tenants. Q. What is Bullet ? A. Something that effects both objects.—Hand me down the blun- derbuss. Crowns for Artists.

A Few days ago Leys, the Belgian artist, who has exhibited at Paris, | was nationally rewarded. The government was represented at the ceremony, and on the head of the painter was placed a crown of gold. In England the government rewards Art with—that is, 20/ with—so much as half-a-crown in silver.

NOTICE TO LUNATICS. “A Commussiongnsuir of Lunacy is vacant.”—Jorning Paper. No Dramatist need apply.— Punch,

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a Saal Otiettee nua anctlhoe-aanene tavaamoarnen Mm {, ) RL

| man, or indeed, on any other Judaic enterprise. Visit of the Kine ov Saxpixia, Unless they are all si ; to talk to ~>———YyyyEZ | heing forwarded to St. Petersburgh. . It is the intention of the | Emperor, after they have been duly blest by his priests, to distribute

| yours MISSING, ever since 1845, the YOUTH of an Elderly Gen- | them to his valiant soldiers as the hig ie reward of merit. theman, who is no lo “ he used to and who would : . : . 5 of gue & —yo5 oy Ga cate. The a mE nie Mate than this, wer val hah sit - Tete —— colour, an elegant figure, an elastic tread, and a light laugh. His eye was bright, and | talismans against the attacks ngnsh. > breast ort ussiao his hair perfectly black. au his teeth were in the finest preservation. as brief, he | soldier, that treasures the image of - a Lar gy era d 34 Fe ed ee ee ey OU Til ns Vill tent ative such} must be invainerable! The Cossack, who om e-tie js he teacons resovety, will be sseet handaom ly — iol’ Aadiy- ts Lede Fourove V axe | has Coppen or Giapstons by his side to defend bim, is sure, by the Eoo, Meth: Club, Pall Mall. | mere force of inspiration, to perform prodigies of valour!

|

Primtedby William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 19, Qu-en's Boad West, Regent's Park, both in the Parish of St. Paneras, im the County of Middlesex, — s ther “Uaice im Lombard Street, ia the Precinet of Whitetriags, in tha ot Loadoa, aad Pablisaed oy them a: No. %, Fleet Street, im the Parish of St. Bride, in the City of —Sarvsoat, December 4, 1565,

eee rT. sf 2. 2, Se

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il hula ll le >: Decewsen 15, 1855.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 235 oreign amy, Instead of it the following be employed :—“ Stubborn resistance,” pn bm gy "| — Bulleti blunder,” “ imcomprehensi X...-» ( ins: , Osten Sacken, Li ) | | i (Oficial Proclamations, ) The word is never used of | . £.g.: “The children of the to the Army with enthusiasm.” (The Czar’s address to the Army. |“ Sedition.” — Any sta’ement by a Russian of facts ive to authority. | (Archives of the Police “te el THE LATEST ROMISH MIRACLE. bellied into sosigtanen, and finally absorbed. (/Tistory of Burope.) “ Negotiations,” —Any pretext for talking in order to gain time. | a eer wl ah eeecenten a ay Se #. g. “ the Czan has never shown bimself averse to jation.” | 2 saepe . NesseLaope’s Circular to Russian Diplomatic Agents.) == | * Sorin.” Supplies, serfs, or money, taken for the use of the Army.” E.g. “'The offerings of the landholders continue to in.” | F PROSPECTUS OF MR. PUNCH’S RUSSIAN The Northern Bee, L'Invalide Russe, Kreuz-Zeitung, Le Nord, ’ Assemblée Nationale, and other Russian Official Ni VOCABULARY. pebliched at Dresses, here, Perle; neb Be Poorcéery) | Da. Max Morzer bas published an interesting little work On the ———SE Se Teng ot Wet ol ae wet Be. anounees his) 4 KEY TO THE ANTEMOUSTACHE MOVEMENT. put forward a prospectus of his Russian Vocabulary for the use of the) Ws lately noticed an order of the Directors of the Newcastle Bank world in general, and the subjects, victims, and dupes of Russia a ail their "moustached clarke, to “shave or resign.” The: following Wh Rene! 1h paste, cash past to 8 - extract from the Assize intelligence of the Northern Circuit will throw — the ‘some light on the matter :— close of a year’s campaign, so as to k with the rapid changes | 7 in the ge Talies eteds, scteediog to the progress of nae. “ (Before Mn. Bano Manrrm.) The work will be im the largest ible size for the accommodation “Tus Quem v. Ronzat Mantinsos, rus Younarn. SF Gas pomber pouhchad fer ths toes socmpmn nn” Oe eee ie indiad tr hotng onthe toe of eg le co wag Eo | As the War the sige of the wambers will be reduced, with Wiitis%, Buusano Osoee, the putiie omer of the’ Nershambertond ond Durham | the i the bigness of the Russian words. Meus.’ pees ords, for which the Russian language bas no exact representatives,“ The prisoner pleaded * Guilty.’ ” but which yet cannot be spared in Qo ee ty the use! We do not exactly see the force of the ing :tab. thesoemn bo “ ” A tm 7 Wy wy the 2° doubt that the Directors have come to the conclusion, that the ee ‘asad te the Chancellors ot the Rasstan dipie, moustaches have done it all. ‘The new regulation proves that the matic corvise, ir. Pussh to say, that these periphrases will Directors are now particular to a hair in the selection of their clerks. be found most unsatisfactory, oe Ow Oe any cas Se ee " : current in ia, and it is essential to Ye oe we The Right Step in the Right Place. a np oh ge FT — she Ons of the movements in Mons. Jotiien’s Sebastopol Quadrille, The Russian words have been extracted from works of official 18 supposed (by the author of the playbill, who must evidently be a | : and bulletias of her Com- ™80 of great imaginative talent) to be descriptive of the movement of manders, the proclamations of the Czas, the official portions of the the Kussion army across their floating-bridg+ on the night after the Pe yond Russe, the Northern Bee, le Nord, L’ Assemblée Nationale, _— = havin may ey ep Ronee, ves —, ; j . ‘ less, as we have overheard a wag suggest, it be done, by a sort of The following examples will convey an idea of the style in which the _— sores f work will be executed :— . “ Fictory.”—When used of a Russian army, any achievement which Te Canere or a Dervtation.—It is courteously received—it is results in an. that can be exhibited, as a flag, a cannon, a assured that its case shall meet with every consideration—it is politely musket. Z. g. :,“ Victory of Sinope,” the “ Victory of Hango.” bowed out—and then you never hear anything more of it. . VOL. XXIX. BB

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il. eg Bayi \ ly | Dy sstith, aa na 4 = wn Te > A. iineued guneyinay | * WAN

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la i iii S, ah : 2 | yoy 0;o \) oa ae

. “ Ring vich? Vy, that von, in cowrse,—T other's only for the Flunkics.”

—————————————— 236 PUNGH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL (Dnceuszn 15, 1855. | | \TWO POETS IN A PULPIT. Mr. Powc# seems to have given some kind of umbrage | to a couple of excitable Yor auctioneers. They reside at Stokesley, and take the ity of being selected to | sell five young cows, three fat ewes, some pig-troughs, and peer trifles, to burst into the foliowing lyric appeal to the wor. “ We are two faithful Auctioneers; With mirth we use the hammer. Some of our Puffs they do seem queer, And make that old Punch stammer'!! | Mr. Punch hastens to assure the poets in a that | he entertains towards them the most friendly feeling; that | he never heard of them,or of Stok , until he received | the above notification, and that though they modestly admit the queerness of their puffs, he never stammered at them in | all his life. He fears that he has been made avictim to the Vcc for © couigiounding ‘ages tke pon Gaetan called for a ing rhyme, t t whi | was odd for ensilonsess—that there A oy such a word as |“erammer.” However, he repeats the assurance of his | friendliest feelings, and hopes that on the day of sale the pulpit did justice to the pig-troughs. | | A QUESTIONABLE FASHION. | Twat sweetly pretty periodical, Ze Follet, in announcing | the “ Fashions for December,” states that “ Braces also continue in great favour.” | “ Braces also.” What besides Braces? The answer is | obvious to the masenline mind, and surely cannot be dubious | to the feminine; for the least logical of ladies even must | | be alive to the inference from Braces.. Of course it must | | be presumed that Braces are fashionable amongst wives exclusively, for the rest of the fair sex cannot be very | intelligibly in a position to wear the Braces. From the prevalence of this female fashion of Br it would seem, | | that the Rights of Woman have obtained a rather wide

| recognition ; unless indeed we have been speculating on the | | delusive basis of at ical error, and, for “ Braces,” ought to have’read clets.”

4 | A REALLY: GOOD OPENING.

; invention of a new excitement; and perhaps, in the overcrowded state | of our Metropolitan streets, that individual m

has been made, and the public may now from the Strand to the | sorrow

to pur a live lobster, or in head and shoulders

} | Opening of the Hall of Hungerford. This measure

| these articles in posteaston ies attainable. To the gentleman of bad | address or no address at all, the opportunity is aff. of having bis | correspondence directed to him at the high coundin and central Hall | of Hungerford. No longer is it neces to rent a door-plate as in the

A GREAT LADY-TRAVELLER.} ra , Mapame Ipa Preirrer has been twice round the Globe, but we SomEnopr onee offered to anybody an almost fabulous ‘sum for the think we know a far greater traveller than she is. There is Mes. Apa , | Ropmwson, of Kentish Town, who bas just succeeded for the third : ay be said to deserve well | sine in making a tour round the Promenade Concerts of Juntten’s! She of his fellow-citizens who invents a new thoronghfare. The diseovery | .+.:16d from 4, threaded e Pit entrance, in the centre of the house, the sages that skirt each side of the Proscenium, doubled the Suspension Bridge without being jos : dealers in shrimps, orchestra (the better, = all travellers eos, : most ato’ bit of ; aang" | navigation), paid an exploring visi reading-room, took in to buy a cod ; for all this fishy fussy peram annenes by the | visions (a cup of coffee, and a bishop’s thumb) at the r al, ‘ : effected, in ® | and arrived in safety at the point started from, after an absence 0’ small way, for this part of the world, what the cutting through of the | less than three hours! She speaks of the wild tribes she encountered ii _ Isthmus of Suez is expected to accomplish for its own locality. in her journey as being extremely savage, rude, and uncivilised to the In addition to its advantages as a short cut, the Hall of Hungerford | |ast degree of w in barbarian cireles, is called “ Gentishness ; ” and ie presents to the intelligent mind a variety of food far more tem ‘congratulates herself upon having arrived at her journey’s end without a than the fish at the stalls, the penny ices round the corner, or the | any loss or serious damage. The population, she states, is excessivel low-priced pies at the “genteel dining-room” which nestles near the thick—so dense at times, that it was almost impossible to ; : base of the building. Hungerford Hall is full of information, where The natives are frightfully wild, and indulge occasiovally in certain 4 those who run may read, while those who walk may peruse more vulgar games—one of which called “forming a ring,” seemed to be a ae leisurely a mass of announcements, where every want is offered to be highly popular. It is her astonishment, cometdariag the rough way in rae supplied, and every longing satisfied. The walls are in fact covered which she was treated, and the dangers to which she was every now and | 7). with advertisements, presenting a large mass of broadside lite- then exposed, how she escaped without an accident. This journey is | rature, such as could not be found within the walls of any other very pecutiar, as we never recollect hearing of an instance of a lady, | Mh, building in the universe, If you want to insure your life, or buy a bed, | who had ever made the tour of Juturen’s Concerts before. To have *| ; take a bottle of soda-water or a pinch of snuff, purchase a rick-cloth or a accomplished it not less than three times is indeed a daring feat of wig, & pair of shoes, an estate, an organ, or a pound of grapes, you wil! courage and perseverance that places the name of Mus. Apa Rosmsow | fied at Hungerford Hall the particulars as to where any or all of | amongst the foremost of our female travellers! A White Lie. | olden time, or trust to the reluctant and sometimes oblivious green- Trene is no truth in the report that his Mazesty Sovrovgus, | grocer to “ take in all letters ;” for now, by a small payment, anybody Emperor or Hayri, has entered into negotiations for a Concordat | se) may give Hungerford Hall as his address, aod be sure of getting every with the Pore, and has insisted that as a basis of agreement, his | communication that is intended for him. Apart from its commercial uses, Ho nyess shall engage himself, at the next vacaney to create a black we recommend the lover of architectural proportions, or dis ions, Cardinal. We are authorised in stating, that Sovouqvs will consent | to pay a visit to Hungerford Hall, which might take its by the to no such arrangement, because his sable Maszsty himself is too deep | side of Westminster Hali—if it were not a mile distant. a black.

PR oe At) iy py

= PERT s977 | Se

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON Decemuser 15, 1855.) THE POETRY OF MODERN GREASE. Tue Temple of the Mases often been desecrated by —s We ~ r Z o> SI i 0 all sorts of imper- at tinent intruders, | ) from poet laure- ates to the pet of , odieal issuing frou a mart of Law, Literature, Theo- logy, Field Sports, sometimes wish that the Li- a real instead of an ima- ginary character, that he might have writers who permit an accumulation of offensive matter to remain on their premises. Under the act which provides for the clearing away of obnoxious deposits, some of the first publishing houses in London might be ordered to remove the objectionable | trash that now encumbers their shelves. , ; ! We ace, however, merging a particular case in the general question, and we will therefore proce:d at o..ce to quote a few verses which might appropriately figure | in the Rogue’s Album, or The Domestic Servant’s Manual of the Art of Robling a | Master. Afver a prosaic intimation, that “24d. to 3d. per |b. is given for kitehen- stuff, and 4d. for good dripping” the poet of the grease-pot thus proceeds :— TO THE COOK, “ Yes, Cooks, I wish # word with »ou. Pray all your Dripping save, 1 weigh like gold, and as for Price, most liberally behave! THE MORNING POST’S LIBEL ON THE PRINCE CONSORT. We have at times had occasion to express sentiments in some degree differing from those which have been attributed to illus'rious person- | | J | taken from the Morning Post's xecount of the progress of the Kuve or Saaprwsa through the Westminster Road,on the day of his arrival, that address themselves to it with no ordinary skill. The r of the J oraing Post are not as a body the wisest people in the world, | He cannot (Maups.ayY 8), the skilled artisans of England, to whose industry and art were due the | works which, of old, were ascribed to giants; that these men bridged the seas and i spanned the earth with iron girdles; that by them were those chariots forged which ' speed our friends on their way fleever thaa the wind; by them were thuse bolts forged Which huried a fiery de» truction on our enemies.” There is the libel,and as truth cannot,be pleaded in just ification, — first, because the Paixce could wot have talked such ineffable trash, and, secondly, because, if he had, the writer for the ost could know nothing about it, we have enclosed the h to Sux Arexanpes Jamzs Epwaav Cocxsuay, M.P., Hes Masesty’s Attorney-General. SS OOM aE OCCU lCUDSCtC‘®’ affairs that na in bis band.” Perer tee Gueat axp St. Petan.—The Pope, like the Emperor Alexander, has had his grandilevy, for what ix the Concordat but a levy of the Austriaus ea masa? i ee ee el Fizip-Mazswat Ponca bas observed with equal F. M. Puwcu has one and the same answer for all such applications. eaders | While the following most urgent private affairs require,ihe presence officers in camp, VIZ. :— “989 | | better expressed its meaning | CHARIVARI. Weigh it yourselves, if you prefer, I only court a trial Of my Honesty, which you will find is quite beyond denial. _. This stanga would have if it bad run thus— Yes, Cooke, I wish a word with you. Your Masters’ | ripping steal. And tii you bring it out to me, your grease-pot well con- You're safe with me ; for stealing it you needn’t fear a trial When ask’d if you have sold it, His propered with a denial. This is followed by a poetical appeal to THE HOUSEMAID. “ Housemaids, treasure up your rags, I White or Coloured buy, My Price is Good, my Weights are Just, let those who doubt it try. You —— from rags they paper make, which Housemaids find so handy, ! When writing letters to their loves to meet them spruce and dandy. The Candle-ends | purchase too, Bottles and Broken Glass, For a store of these a Purse I'll fill for amy pretty lass :” | which may be thus interpreted— Housemaida, |ay hands on everyt hing—towels or linen bags, Or table-eloths, or anything — Pil buy them oll as rags, _ For rags, you know, make paper, on which it is your | When you’ve got leave to go to Church, to write ie. young man, And bid him meet you. Recs thriving trade extends — To wax or tallow—anything— las “ candle-exds,” As a wind-up, the poet thus apostrophises— THE FOOTMAN. htly Footman, list, oh list; pray ever careful be, the little odds and ends, that eome by right to thee! The Candie-ends of Wax or Sperm, Old Clothes too oft are thine, Old Liv’ry Buttons and other things I in my line. Give me a trial—and Presto; you quickly will behold My mode of changing such like things te bright and sparkling gold.” Good Footman. you’ve a famous chance—there’s all your | Master’s clothes. Come sell to me; he'll never kuow how all his wardrobe “ Sp of goes. The candle-ends will disappear—I give a famous price.— lf Missus asks what’s gone with ’em, say, “ It must be the mice. Give me a trial—but | won’t suggest awkward impres- s10n8-—— I mean a trial at my shop, not at Old Bailey Sessions. | Verprer on tas Parat Suicuwe or Austaia.—Felo de (Holy) See. MR. PUNCH’S GENERAL ORDER. Urgent Private Affairs. ages of varicus nations. upon no occasion, we trust, have we Concern the extraordinary number of applications from officers of all | sought to render Hoyalty contemptible. That work we leave to its tanks and,arms of the servies, to return home on “urgent private | friends the flavkeys, and it will be seen from the following passage, | affairs. affairs ‘i ant leave of abseuce to for urgent private ’ and what must be the result of their induced to believe that the Hutting the privates. | Prince Abert, an educated man, a , and a gentleman of taste, Keeping ug the discip'ine of the privates. could think or talk such penny-a-liner’s baiderdash, as it “ appeared” to Keepiog down drunkenness among the privates. the Post that he was iuflicting on his Wife’s Ally ? Promoting rational amusement among tbe privates. | “Hw Rovar Hicuness appeared to be explaining that these were the men Sharing ~ h hardships of the privates, Setting a good example to the privates genera! ly. All these appear to F. M. Puwcu to be the most urgent “ private” can be conceived under existing circumstances. An Extraordinary Mistake. Ly the account of the opeuing of the Prussian Chambers by Kixe Ciicquot thereporter writes— “ The Kine entered the saloon ia full General's uniform, and carrying his helmet This is a palpable blunder. It was not a helmet, but s wine-cooler. This fact is established by the su ent inci due time tells us, that “the Kine put it on bis head!” incident ; for the reporter in

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PU NCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. CRA ND oontiELD s MECTURE RE SS MASQUERADE "ROUND HAT. RUDE PROFILE? Ir’s a veRY Sunsinaz = POR F Hibernian ye | the only pee “for the ! | | | ing | letting an Engleb, Scoteh, or Welsh csc aa nea the Brigade pledges iteel to move his im rs, setti members into places under Goveramen course of dissatisfied & ; not uestions, but in every | the Trish members, | Loap Pauaunstow to fling them sops to ‘Indes ne a arpeg mer on the Serjeant’ ts are haviog rehearsals, in liament. A correspondent in se informs PS eee ery matters a ~ of some of the manifestations of “ di hen the Spaker takes the cheer, he is to bé y matters.” Irish one. When he shouls out the name of an {ri {risb mimber, be is to be abused font spaking ne wore defer m any mim bs or of * British” arrums, he is to be: ea bk “el No bill | is to be allowed to be i refer to Oireland—or if it be y appended, that the next Governor. OT eee of taxation, a proviso ire The House and the Spaker are to be made to understand, that when an Irish mimber wants to spake all others give way. All Irish petitions are to have precedence of English ones, and are to be read at full length b. the cp So Sa eneh ee If any mimber cries “question” while an mimber is spaking, One Government night in mgt sy 5 pe iven up to the exclusive a -— of Irish questions, and if AYTER ever permits a “no-house” upon such a night, he is to * sautenuingial. In counting the House, the Spsker is to a every [rish mimber as two; he being worth any two of his t oppressors. In the case of a row betweea Irish mim no Eaglish or Seotch ones are to presume to interfere, but the are to wait in respectful silence until the gentlemen are plazed to be done. It is for the lrish mimbers to settle what time the House shall rise, and no one is to take the liberty of going away until the desire of the Brigade has been signified. It is to be made a standing order, that Mz. Hexny Davmmonp is pot to make any profane fun of a Roman Catbolic saint, practe, ri, or miracle, and on the least allusion of _ kind, he is to ‘be commi to the custody of the Serjeant at Arru With the aid of these, and similar inproneneata upon the present system, Mx. Serzeant Suez and his friends hope soon to diminish the causes for their Dissatisfaction, by procuring a market for some of the nde which, like tradesmen ~~ to sell, they now puff so h . The worst of it all i that parties sre so evenly balanced in the that such a set of gentlemen, after such an avowal, may their price. MORE LAURELS FOR PRUSSIA. Lrevrevant Gewxeste has published the official account’ of the Hapngo massacre ; it seems that the murders were committed in due =r and by the most regular butchers. The men were not slaughtered under the sanctity of a flag of truce by a am rash, undisciplined troop of marauders ; but killed im all due form, = in the coldest blood by “one of the best Russian the Grenadiers of Faepenick Wiii1am or Pavssia, as they are called, the Kuve or Prussia being their Colonel.” It is expected that the flag of truce will be sent as a > ee trophy of “a digaified neutrality ”"—to the King-Colonel ; further, that = Grenadiers, which his Prussian Majest seliekts to command, will henceforth carry, emblazoned on ior neinanel tee, the word—*“ Hango.” I «470VGd V AO JOM AHL AN ‘TIFL OL ASVATdI» ‘mpeer ” GENUINE JF ANVH NO WOWAV FHL LNTAVH TM» “rer |

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| | s39ditiaw> Zih Russia. WHAT IS THE Austria, “PLEASE TO TELL ME THE PRICE OF A PEACE?” Ht Nile ft i i i | il Hh AUSTRIA. Dieniaiienn : PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemorr 15, 1855. aie | NY (10 , PaLmenston, PRICE OF PEACE? Palu, “WE HAVEN'T THE ARTICLE ON HAND 47 PRESENT” — | oe un ma Gf Boe eseeth s8eeessseae |

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“i “SORBESECSSSERBS SRSSSSEES AARSPESESS Abe |

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Decemper 15, 1855.) 18 Cattle Show, Sir? PU take you all the way there for a Penny.” THE OMNIBUS COMMITTEE. Ir is not generally known with a resolution to meet and over- me the opposition our t Allies to the British mnibus, the proprietors of these native vehicles have resolved to—to— te make an omnibus really comfortable. With this intent, a com- ! re sitting = the last week a ry ~¥ ; =, press—as press—was exe |, Mr. Punch was, o invited to send a guinea-and-a-half-a-liner (the rise of the half- i dates from the late advance of provisions) to the Shillibeer. ur faithful retainer, like “the bee with honey’d thigh,” duly rendered himself at 85, Fleet-street, laden with evidence anxiously sought by the committee, and readily supplied by all conditions of people. It is observable that the female greatly preponderates ; an omnibus evidently being considered by them a woman's question. It is, how- , impossible for Mr. Punch to do more than to cull, with a very light hee peer 3 hand, certain samples from the evidence adduced. Mr. Jonn PoLLEWwHISTLE eramined. Rides daily from ene om to Old Jewry. Believes that babies-in- arms are thoquent blight of ’busses. Would have no child under seven ide, the register to be first shown to the conductor. Has a strong jection, in a crowded "bus, to have his shirt-collar smeared by the dear infant next him with a raspberry tart. With respect to luggage— that is, female luggage o8 Be iH iF : bring luggage imto a *bus of more than twelve cubic inches. Yes: he = his attention to He would have an umbreila- at the door of the "bus. Wouldn’t be hard upon parasols ; though could not, for the life of him, see the use of ’em. Mas. Mary Quiurer cramined. Often rode in a ’bus. Was generally set down near Sway-anp- Enear’s. Thought that it was not always pleasant to be flung into 3 laps ; sometimes less so than others, and some'imes quite the reverse. The conductors say “all right” before a lady was in her place. Thought that if a rope, something like a bell-rone, was hung up along the roof, it would be a great. assistance, especially when the conductors would say “all right.” With respect to Inggage, did not think four band-boxes and a small child with a dram and a hoop too for the mother of a family. Thought that 2 magistrate ought to be able to — any , if a single man, who refused to ride outside in to obiige a lady. Miss ARABELLA Parkins ezamined. Seldom rode in an omnibus, but Aad done so on dividend days to the ; since that most wicked and shocking double Income-Tax to oe the War, undertaken as she understood to support the infidel 8, who sew up poor women in sacks and—certainly, yes ; she would | keep to the question of the omnibus. Weil, she had. J PUNCH, O2 THE LONDON ‘*busses on a principle, for this was a commerci —would not permit any woman passenger to of been brought to! CHARIVARI ride in the thing, but only since the Income-Tax,—never before ; and all she hoped was, that all of us might live to see the end of the War—but for her part—very well; yes, she would me the omnibus, What had she to propose—what to object to? Well, then, she wished to speak upon the omnibus straw. hy not put down a Brussels carpet, and in a season of such inclemency as the poet, why not have bottles o hot water? People might get their death, and what would the omnibus care? Yes ; she was coming to the straw as fast as she could. Hada great objection at all times to the straw in the ’bus; when it was old it was dirty and damp; and when it was new, it was sbarp and tickled. Thought the whole difficulty might be met by a strip of Mr. Janez Mocsny examined, ' given much of his time toomnibuses. Thought roof should be substituted a stout brass bar ; for from the gentlewomen he ’d seen ride in’ believed that no would long bear’em. And this bro him to what he had a to say. Providence hadn’t made us all alike—and, therefore, he look upon it as little less than presumption to say, that "bus should carry | twelve inside. The law was rey E un-English, What's | twelve? Twelve Tom Thumbs—twelve iel Lamberts! He would, | therefore, have arms—arms to all the seats: when every man, woman, and child, whatever they might be, would sit upon their own merits. Miss Arasetta MITTEN examined, She occasionally rode in "busses. Had given some attention to the | last improvement under Mr. Firznor’s Act: she alluded to the light now burnt in the interior of the "bus, altogether it worked well. Had ridden im a Paris ’bus or two: should think so. She thought, then, if a small mirror was put up at the end of the English malit, When the’'ben ton toll the, ledliopeiee weighs be peciive . en ‘ was full t ight itively | useful, especially in an uncertain eli with Any in thet sould fly so. When nobody at all was m the had sometimes hap- pened to herself—why, a looking-glass was always company. Mr. Joniipocs eramined, Used to use “busses, but had given’em up. Why should he be made | miserable? Every ’bus was placarded with puffs of burying-grounds ; | might as well ride in a hearse. Didn’t see why the ’bus driver shouldn’t have a hat-band, and the horses feathers in their beads. Had had his dinner spoilt more than once by the bills about the Neckanderopolis Burying all over the ’ Didu’t to udvertisements in ’ country —thought there was no harm in “Six Shirts for 30s.,” if they were worth anything— but thought it too bad to be always given the blues by the Neckanderopolis. Mr. Punch conchudes his extracts with this; regretting that he has | no room for the very valuable testimony of the Kevenenp Mu, Srrxe- NARD, on the impropriety of religious controversies in ’busses generally, The Reverend gentleman bai been com to discontinue the use of the Knightsbridge ’busses since the shameful persecution of St. Bar- | nabus and St. Mary’s. Thought thata line of *busses—T7he Lamb and Flag \ine—if comfortably hassocked and glazed with painted windows, | would meet with en encouragement in the neighbourhood of Knightsbridge and Belgravia. 0 report bas yet been made; but Mr. Punch has a lively bope that certain points of the evidence will have a telling effect upon the mind of the Committee. A fixed cubic measurement is certainly desirable ; neither is the roof-rope or bar suggested by Mas. Quitter unworthy attention. Kven Mr. Punch himself has found omnibus straw unpleasant ; and therefore wholly agrees in the objections so y rendered by Miss Peaxoys ; and believes, with her, that there is some- | thiog in hot water and Brassels’ texture. Surely, too, of Ma. Mocsnr. The adaption carpets of there is good sense in the propositi dag ace for every ; with our babite ond foaltags Sorry to say, had for a rope under the of arms in the ’bus would so define every whilst the measure so admirably harmonises as a domestic people. With respect to the mirror suggested by Miss Mirrews, we think we must leave that an open question. Possibly, some of the Committee will take the opinion of ther own wives upon matter. As to the Neckandcropolis isements, we do not think that an omnibus should in any way suggest a» charnel-house; though, alike with Mra. Jorz1poes, we do not object to the commercial genius of our country clinging to the roof of a ’bus like » bat to the of a church. In all seriousness, we trust that the English Committee will lose no time in setting the B herwise, they may rest ish "bus in order; oti . assured that our faithful Allies will take the very needful work out of their hands. Serenade for Sir Charles Napier. A Party of Southwark Electors, on Tuesday evening, assembled under the window of Sik Cuanues Napren’s residence, and celebrated the honourable and gallant officer’s election for Southwark, by singing the appropriate song of the “ Return of the Admiral,”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decesnen 15, 1855. | | mi. ah ’. Whec* Bed ee Oe ha a tig 9 ee ae A COMMENTATOR ON COLONEL HAWKUR. His Rorat Hicuness Parcs Arsert appears to be rather fond of lecturing ab pon men ; it is a labour of love to him seemingly, one which he performs to en Now, im the Court Circular, passim, it will be t “ “ Priwce Atpart went out Shooting.” Shooting is an amusement to wh gatarally pestiols many of | do, would do little else. Bat bow many lamentable acci- | dents from fire-arms are daily recorded in the Newspapers! | A few observ ~~~ e ey a | s the | opportunity, on log, priming, &c., with which opera- | tons his oe Hicasess pas of necessi ity be aot, as also On the pro carrying t 80 no Likieenntnene eal ever find himself looking down | the muzzle, might prove the means of preventing many | untimely deaths, if not of saving some valuable lives. The lives, also, of numerous yellow-hammers and green- fincbes, sacrificed by juvenile metropolitan and inexperi- enced fowlers for snipes partridges, might be saved through the judicious admonitions of the Parnce. And, | whilst he was about it, Parrezs Atsgrt might do good service by communicating the his experience in | fox-hunting to ambitious but awkward riders. SCIENCE UNDER SEVERAL HEADS. Everyzopy who is curious as to the very odd things that ladies take into their heads, or on to their heads, should go to the Polytechnic Institution; where—amidst the hundred | other attractions—is heing delivered a lecture on Ladies’ | Head-Dresses, from the Time of William the Conqueror. When we look at some of have been raised upon the female head from time to —-d PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE. “© Austria! thou dost shame that bloody spoil ; * 7. . 7 Thou wear a lion’s hide! Doff it for shame, Aud hang a calf’s skin on those recreant limbs.” King John, Act iii., Scene 1. we wonder whether the object has been to make u the want of furniture withio, by however, be adm external ornament, It —_ those ladies who have under the erect erous arrangements with which fashion has occasi encum- bered their brows, could not have been very weal bende. A Consumine Tauts.—Men never begrudge the money they spend on di nor women on pastry. any thing said or done in derogation of the Book Just so. The statute lst Exszanern, c. 2, inflicted penalties on the vy Fay egal ARE priest ished by the t offence on t was pun yt forfeiture of a year’s revenue of his benefice, and six oat ; all goods and chattels, ; ‘ to attend the church service under divers penalties, or on pain of imprisonment. Prelates and other church dignitaries were empowered to inflict there punishments. + Parsons, pp. 35, 36, chronicle these atrocities? And to there same Elizabethan atrocities of 1558, now obsolete, if not repealed, the Bowres, affords a parallel. j he same persecution now, as that which English Papists were to as an unbappy pig, swimming up stream, and ip which re i inflicts, under those ci throat ? What will Canpmvat Wiseman say to this rash act of Mz. Bowrzn’s ? DETERMINED SUICIDES IN THE ARCHDIOCESS OF WESTMINSTER. Tue well-known papal advocate, Mx. Gzonce Bowres, in a letter of reply to Da. Cummine, published in the Ti 1D :— “TI will only add that Da. Comurse will find a parallel to the 16th article of the Times, makes the following 4, whieh «» much slarms bim, in statute Ist Evizapers, c.2, which ef Common Prayer.” Prayer-book im their churches. ’ imprison- The second, by loss of all ecclesiastical Py ee eee life. For speaking in derogation of te rayer-book, or for satirising or burlesquing the Church, the penalty was a fine of hundred marks for ur bi ditto for the tto (£1000 of our t money); for the third, forfeiture of imprisonment. Everybody was Does not Pivs tue Nivtw., a.p. 1855, according to Ma. Austrian Protestants are to be subjected Must not Fancy, allegorising Fact, depict Ma. Bowren ing the injury inflicts, s, on his own Something, perba ett in his Legacy (0 | to the same effect as what he himself said the other day, about this same Concordat, from his pulpit ; to wit :— ' “ The document in question came first te this country from the ent of a | Newspaper, who showed in the remarks with which he accompanied it, that he did not know the meauing of the words used init. It was epee beer a yee tems of Catholic ecclesiastical diplowacy —that was to say, the words used in it had a di meaning from that of ordinary Latin, in which it was written, and it required s person versed in ecclesiastical Latin and in the principles of the Canen Law to understand it and interpret its meaning and signification.” Thus, by the statement of Canprvat_Wisemay, ecclesiastical Latin is not plain Latin, and, in like manner, Ma. Bowren’s English may not be plain English. We are to conclude, that neither Mr. Bowyer nor the Pore say what they mean. To characterise this peculiarity of expression, the dictionary of Dr. Jounson supplies a pithy term, consisting of one syllable in three letters, whereby, also the , in common conversation, was accustomed to designate that peculiar liberty taken with language. So then, it seems, t ‘opg, and CarpivaL WISEMAN are misunder- stood, by reason of being tagpeees to mean what they say; and per- adventure, the same misfortune may have befallen Ma. Bowrzn. t why cannot they, preaching or penning documents which will as in ibus infidelinm, vouchsafe to accommodate their style to the idiom of the natives, aud say what they meen? When Carpivat Wiseman talked of governing Middlesex and the adjoining counties, he ought not to have surprised at being taken at his word. A few foot- notes, even so monosyllabic as “ Bosh,” or “Fudge,” subjomed to the tremendous passages in his pastoral, would have forestalled alarm. So of the Porz. If his Holiness would only notify, that everything in his Aliocutions apparently savouring of int was mere papal rho- domontade—all the Porg’s eye—much unnecessary excitement wi be obviated. The Holy Father should advertise us that those thundering Allocutions of his are, in so far, ostensibly to the Secret Consistory; but, in reality, to Buwcomse. ; The Cardinal declaims horribly about the eruptions of certain |, HEELSRLALT ie? |

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PUNCH, Ok THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 243

Decemper 15, 1855.

‘Protes'ant volcances, in the fires a’ roe a plain — —erenge ( ' THAN : ; i : that . enn ee ere eer re ee! ——s—(t:=«é EN. BULL.-FO-JOMA e It strikes me, brother Jonatwan, we both have. cause for blushing ;

e mountains needlessly by inflated bombast? Why does he bellow lik of a mad i to sua e sentim ents whic be whied be would express with i= yi alow moment. apse. led by p= ewer Cusuise, ry _ accuracy as as 3 lor eer wsuL, Mosquito Kine, or Crampton, If we are to believe Cannuvan Wiseman’s explanations—but who To have d with your laws, or your soft coms to have - | knows in what sense he is to understand them ?—a new etymology stamp’d on.

joe 7 aca may yen Fe 7 asthe aoa Sex reasonable t0 We're teafinglgen ; we're) working-men; we're customers; we're

| In short, th liarities of Catholic ecclesiastical diplomacy SF tea oh / ° | and. el . the Cundionts Uitetnoent ee are | se eran the fect Oh the desea cao eappienatbos | many instances € arrows : » 5 st | of an el Td be emcgrele te mark of veracity. While Ld age ame and raws for Time scarce has yet found ie | | Now, then, does not Canpmian Wiseman appear to swim up stream piaister. — at the same rate, in a similar form, snd to the same deplorable purpose, ‘I've been turning up our history, how oweThird Gronae’s rs - 2 the ',| Bt with Me. Bowyer? His Eminence will not complain of the implied

to the contest between Russia and Western ete fraid -— an are W seeceat be smile of ‘beings | teal ive See dan on bl seasonable, sensible o a tain that for a ing- ys seasona i i if' aot treasonable, | =?

at ‘ . , * to : f 1} trate | with ee ossieal enamieliea thee ws poor literal he | _ swine n- | : | | THE KING WHO HAS LOST HIS LOVING-CUP. 4/5 SS Cert. ignoble ign, wh <a shall be ‘aroclees, by this’ time - has probably seen reason to regret the mean and shuffling policy | which be has pursued with respect }

is bus object of that feeling Qe that Trade could e’er be was i which mankind in gene . & person equally destitute; When that first war broke out, Gzono tym Parrp was on the throne ; of moral courage and moral sense. ee a et sire and bloated son. He must have at least discovered The fisst had his Loap Norru; the for our woe, that his “silence” has been an Had his Lavexroor and Supmoutu and H and Oo. cis ” deat ; , i eee: a | Free Trade was not; Free Press was not; free speec), free thought were his tongue. How sadly vexed : ee . , wih ia for Thea and mums ot rath tere md condnct which he! F : i : iss parieed, if wot schamed of While kings and courts and cabinets hounded them on to blows. himself also, will he be, when he! Ali this is changed ; link’d hand and heart—link’d too, to t. comes fo read the account of thé) When Jowatuaw goes bankrupt, Jomw may think about his docket. reception experienced by the gal-' The nations speak: If President or Premier storms or truckies, lant pu of Sagpr14 on bis | The nation’s hands are free, to come down on either’s knuckles. 1 —— = B35

BERRRS o “<

| ant [ S | — | = te Lins thet 2 — — | Then, Jonatuan, you keep an eye on CusHine, Pusace, and Mancey, he | had acted as an honourable man = ely y care m oe no — and isn’t sarey ; | and a constitutional King, he mi if he had chosen, have taken | that all alarm quarrel between you me msy 0 | If his turn to ride, the Frog ch be voleke dy to Guildhall—-saluted | We'll bind over both oar Governments to keep the (nations) peace. fa | op, Se -seciemetions af oes generous. British public. He must | Sees ele ws MTs not | with what transport he would have beheld in shop-window = | Sega Bi Pes of AGIA. Mak wot chly te at vf 00, 2 po oy Very Brave—when not Exposed. Ww ves 8 ol m ie. ; } i ; 2 || Sees s oe oe pelea |p eanatien wee msn the elite wotsing: Genii Datdens —_- probably be affected by nothing more bitterly than | tifcations,” when young BuMptious, who i perhaps, the prantont . tin bo rg Past in a contempereny 8 account of the banquet eoward living (out of Belgium), poe Hm ell, do you know, I } not | | the ror regaled Victor Emmanvet :— ‘think I should be extremely brave if I were behind @ good thick Jom zor | J“ The age and quality of the wines used on this occasion was much vaunted. A Where there was no chance of being and sein a say bom i" oO) craze pes ee pe So a secre cummatevehind, when on could ram in i the evens of any. Angie, | \ : 2 0 ; hock from ve u ting my some Ww 7. Snadee ead inca ie | ees i Teoald nly convinee myself there was not the slightest * ' Just let the nameless, but not, we trust, shameless, wonareh fancy ' er- | dy el at bien. think of ‘ =e mea gs Unfounded Report. st 18u%—w it. was some sat pourile wines Lat ties toetee i he might haye __ It is reported that Ma. Grenepera, Duswrers hes toon, sensei’ | ear and how he. might have imbibed the classical Direetor of the Philharmonic. We do not believe a word of it, and om i ity | simply for this reason,—beeause Mx. Bennett, clever as he is, un- | | | % the iam and ! His Majeaty ‘will sorsovtally dassos that he has missed a good fortunately is an Englishman. If he were an Italian, like S10 thing—has, to use a but perhaps not i late. expression, Costa; or a German, like Henn Waowem; or even, a third-rate missed. his tip, in mi the above-named li is only conso- Frenchman, with no higher recommendation than Monster Apourue | lation can be, that if he stood behaved honestly and ADAM, there might be some chance for him: but, as Ma. Bewwerr | firmly in the first inst it is very that there would have happens ‘o be only a plain En SS ee a aoe | no war—no | feasts for monarchs—no effusion of knowledge of the world to ask us to swallow such a highly ridiculous and—no effusion 1 Sigod ” scat . 0 ° - “ wa er Led et eee eee fora Soda- ater Fund, intended to rd some alleviation of the distressing Sweet Sewtmcert.—The best Disinfecting Fluid. The Milk of headache, whieh, it is said, is so very general a complaint among our Human Kindness. Crimean heroes of a morning !

|B E8aF ePrre

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (Decumezn 15, 1855, | A SOCIETY OF DOUBTFUL FRIENDS. To Joux Bricur. Farenp Brtenr, Txov art an eminent member of the jety of | Friends, whereof, I believe, sundry other eminent are also eminent corn-dealers. I thou art intimate with @ sufficiest number of those other eminent friends by answer me a question which I would fain ask | oj f° | L wish to know of thee, whether the present high f has not been the wilful contrivance lo thie eee with the view of impatience of the present Wp a amy 5) Tf ee .. a. eee A SERIOUS COMPLAINT. Col. “No Sin! You can't nave Four m your Hor !—Wuusr, Ispgep !” ith it is suggested : Liewt. “Veny sanp! Ten, we uvusr Prat Doumt!” with it ie su to thee by NETS FLY IN AMBER, 4 BR HUSBAND ON BON t Tue gentleman who o pr Mr. Punch the following . “Tux expense of a new Bounet, does not with the purchase. respectfully informed, that it is the only tion with whi 2 cols wish it Ses S08 mont srrnee _~ mie has got ~ bew —y Punch will trouble a to enrich the colamns of this immortal work. must go to thi that place ' showing it.) we. pe the: 7s ' The new iheoll im, but-n omall-maptten, bat-it dp the eomstent | a.ct'ecintet one's hon ee ee Talal Tike ee eae are spe ipiarz oo pastand’s pOckst, | Mecsdy: ieaiiey carry Pages fat at Cob Roes 8 ike t to be some sim ‘or evil, oy See : exeoptiol my Servises wonder that ladies, when they at their friends and all the world — ia ns Mt gen tape ee . to know that they have recently come into the possession of a new . “Tam, sir, 4 ¢ , do not, instead of publishing the fact on their persons, resort) “To, | bt ~ ag ta asin FE to the far easier and cheaper plan of advertising it in the Newspapers— + Editor ~ Whendid he somewhat in the following style :— # Punch.” ; a correspondent ?) . neat. E it. dramatiat. HIS IS TO GIVE NOTICE, that I have, within the last two days, ba Send any of Hae Misestr's” Re pn TEs = Sey purchased a new Bonnet, which is the prettiest litte ouck of a thing that was Pa ae ever seen. It wae bought of Manawe : Lana NOuveaurhy, de Paria, and cost £4 15s, if it ———— as: - cont a farthing ; as the receipt that I have at home in de>k can testi’ whil state that it is & love , words, a little capote j A Heavy Blow for the Light Bonnet. The crown, which is of the richest plum-enlou red sarin, is crossed he £ toe een ee: tase yes Sse on Se See Gee) 2ee ny Londons of @ the latest Fpsioinn novelties in dress is an article warm dameon colour. ® run «mea jelly ; poanes, and Inside apa pallne? white blouse (-vench), thet beats Oi alt or Foldi The whieh are told, will cluster of snowballs in foe 4 being melted by the warmth of : a eu lait. To sam up, the bonnet falls off as it were too weak, if she were to see it . t io r a rg: friends will bave a charming opportunity of | is “the commencement of the end” the as It bs distin gud (Signed) Mas. Wontoe Mumpawt, Wo. 1, Vanity Foie, | 1006 dominant; for, when we are able to recdguise the bonnet in f we shall know it in-creases. “Oceasionally, when the fair correspondents were afraid to trust . themselves to their powers of Series, EaerOe Lirenany.—Perhaps, of all BS apeme aes pe the Abolition the advertisements, whilst coloured portraits | Laws, upon which Ma. Cospen’s name is of the bonnets, but of the lovely wearers themselves, i trious authors, was the most popular Cereal Petits Couriers, and other soft-minded Magazines public, i to the illustration of ' ae pp Fey Feb pg Aiitte Frast.—There will be no Turkey for sav | NDER WITHOUT AIS —_ ati." ™ | Ewpreror e Reussta this Christmas. ° Primesd by William }, of No. 18, Upper Wobura Koas Wee, Rec oat’s Park, both ia the Parish of St. P, ia the of Frasers, os tasur Otlge tn Lambent rvvea, ts Gn Poston ot “eal Pabil Wed oy them at Ne. Shy Plowt Street, in the Fash of @h Bana ie tke Cle Leeden.—Sarvanat, December |5, is60. [SOS REESMeGERCeBee p ecxoperpooser

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rae SS Pe Brak F Relay SS BN He ee a. eK e we Psae | F 5s | | Deceusen 22, 1855.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 245 MR, PUNCH AT HOME. | in your power to set the movamant against these rascals, which I 8 on a og | proved veracious is this 4 ‘a e ignation ‘and the power of ip against a firm who, im that case, are thteatepeplices of tan'oear Restos thton and have dene this wickedness, my Lord, stir upyour people, \ oginsk | these traitors, these abettors of and murder greatest | unhanged blackguards in Christendom, Hesthendom, or Jewry. Monarch of the City, I have the honour to be Your faithfal Subject, | 85, Fleet Street, Dec. 5616—J855, PUNCR. nr oe ‘ - | WHAT GENTLEMEN T TO DO. Apvrariszas seem to heve vary 04 the duties and obli itions of We all er nee ee Vile th qrery plage 4 , and we are convinced that if we were to a guide to gentle- | manly conduct from the adv papers, we should dee 5 thet: oa - tele Shee catine’ = | I Case, . ’ fag purchasing a real head of false be no gentleman. Some | times we are told that “ No gent. be without ” some pecu- | liar kind of tooth-brush, or shirt, or soap, and we are led to | | draw the inference that our social rank is by the contents of | our carpet-bag, or the fittings of our wasbhand-stand. | One of the Jatest and most extraordinary rules for the conduct of a gentleman that was ever promulgated, is a sort of moral law, laid down | 1m an advertisement, that “gentlemen should see their linen dressed | with the starch” sold at a particular establishment. Tow they are | to “see their limen dressed,” unless they attend at the residence of | their washerwomen, is a question we cannot solve. Nor do we under- stand how they can be sure of the employment of the right sort of stareh unless they either purchase it themselves, or go with the laun- dress when she lays im her stock for washing day. At an extensive Laundry, police regulations would be necessary to prevent eonfusion during the ceremony of the starching of eve gentleman’s linen in the gentleman’s Bg med for as it is @ mord | obligation on bis part to see it done, must be no compromise of . THE EN To the Right Honowrable the Loxn Maron Satoqons. ‘the noble and the gentle, all jostling each other for priority of admit- My pear Lonp Mayor, Your Government—the Municipal Government of the City of | PPeve@t too greats rush, by setting sside one morsieg for Shirt Fronts, London—is the envy of surrounding nations. The res which they | « 5 Collar Day.” We confess that after w ighing the ad ‘ and institution im the world. If any of them ever again try a new —————= | principle, no doing the thing by proxy, no tment of a deputy, but a bond fide conscientious supervision of te et . starchi b EMY AT BERLIN. \the owner of separate article. In the height of the London | season the doors of the West End blanchisseuses would be besieged by ing each | tance : and it would be necessary to make such arrangements as would | and appointing—after the eustom of the Court—a day now and then as | They consider the Lonp Mayor to be the disadvantages of the plan, we have come to the conclusion, that the pe ty & it will be modelled on that of the | @¢Vertiser is wrong, and that gentlemen should not see their linen | Rate © il of citizens ; a number of dressed with starch from his establishment. Aldermen eligible to the Mayoralty in turn, a Chief Magistrate or | ae jag ns he be a over : irae for ae gay, and a ene LULLABY BY A SOLDIER’S NURSE. twelve y, which will give them a safficiently frequen a : opportunity of ifying their love ? litical change without actual Be quiet, Paryce ALzext,—though valiant a knight, revolution and Bioodchet—t am quite pa that this is the system to Thou must not, thou canst ~: be suffer’d to fight ; suit the prevalent of the European peoples. The warfare, the wounds, the jon we see int Now, my Lord, this :-— “ Yesterday the house of here Russian Five-per-Cent. Loan at 86, with little success.” They cannot be braved, good Patyez Consort, by thee. Be quiet, Parnce Arsent—the time will not come bg a nore ee «4y-r sbot or bomb ; The above i communication despatched to since ALBERT, a pray, the Times from Berlin. Your ip knows that the MenpzLssonns And dasht qet of Arun Halora'in t way. are members of the same community as that to which you are yourself co Sieve hee et eee setae ees aan area are aware schnod's sconaielien of toe ice eal & i them to fight, by the - Ee > for tbe purposes of is own, pri Ts and painted idols,| It is intended to give s dinner to Sem B. Hara, to celebrate the for the purposes of his own rapacity, and aggrandisement, passing of the Act for the local management of the Metropolis. We under the pretence of fighting istianity. Kvery every are quite ready to admit that the honourable Member has earned a | subscribed to this loan is a contribution Goats Wires dinner by what ho hes already dono; but we conidentiz expect thot Be | Hichroys sheep to the slaughter; a means of causing acu to will vt do much more and t he will prove himself still the B. Hatt, weep for her If the Mempzissonns have been guilty of though far from the End all of his career of usefulness. this atrocity, have their brethren no power to make them repent it? | H : |

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se (Decuumme 22, 1855, | MRS. SWANSDOWN’S WORK-TABLE. A CONVEYANCING LECTURE FOR THE LADIES. “ Steal, fob! the wise convey it call.” —Shakepeare. HE Consultation was to be ‘held, as I = By F two con- yeyancing gentlemen, éach att by his attorney, im order that the points in dis- pute might be dis- cussed vied voce. And it would have been held earlier, and you would therefore have heard of it last week, but the assizes are now on. Ma. De Kavi. was re to go down on one of the Cireuits to give his assistance in ing some ladies estate, because their | great-grandfather, one Gizzanp, spelt his name with one “z” im the deed that settled the property. ever, as soon as he came back, (Punch is bappy to say, defeated—for evidence was t to show that, in 1750, many great men, the author of Clarissa Har. among others, spelt the #ord that way; which was a great triumph for law, , and justice,) the Consultation was arranged. Ma. De Kavit happens to be the senior counsel, so the meeting was held at his chambers. _Now, both he and Ma. Gauspr, besides wg eminent lawyers, are highly-educated men, who see a good deal of the world, and the attorneys, also, are not disreputable grubs, with tumbled sbirt-fronts and grim pails, but gentlemanly men, with private bouses in Pancrasia. So t the party was pleasant enough, and what made it more pleasant that ali four aationen were being largely paid for enjoying it. ; Me. Gauszey and Mas. Swanspown’s solicitor (somebody said, my dears, that there was the same difference between an attorney and a solicitor as between an alligator and a crocodile; but solicitor is the coveted phrase, except in Ministry, where the Arrorney- | Gewerat is tigher than the Soricrroa-Geneaat) arrived at Mr. De Kavit’s chambers, they found Ma. Forpiesquaw’s solicitor waiting, and beguiling the time by telling the cunveyancer’s Is (a hundred guineas each paid, my loves, for leave to copy such ru out of an old manuscript book) a capital story about Lona Mowtzs. Amid their roars, the three entered Ma. De Kavit’s elegant room, charm- ingly furnished, hung round with pictures, and very slightly scented with a first-rate cigar. He recei them with great cordiali'y, and they all sat down at around table, and the solicitors took out the R Didn’t I see you at Jenny Lixp’s concert, Dz Kavi?” said Ma, Gaussy. “Yes, | was there. For myself, I don’t much care about the ‘ Crea- tion,” but my girls wanted to hear her—they’ were too young, you know, for her last opera season.” “ Pleased, of course ?” “Ob, ecstasies. I have heard nothing but scraps of Harpn ever since, and | was obliged, at last, to exert my parental voice, and insist upon their reverting to Mexpe.asonn.” “You might take tickets for ‘ Ziijad,’”’ and so please both parties. “Thank you. I'll trouble you, if you meet them, not to put such things into their beads. All very well for you millionnaire bachelors to be baying guinea tickets, yy =F conscripti can’t afford it.” “Ha! ha! ha! ha!” All four gentlemen laughed pleasantly, as well-to-do men always laugh, when professing poverty. ‘I'nen they had some more talk about the Exeter Hall Concerts, And the extortion practised by those who had bought up the tickets, to sell them at extravagant sums. De Kavi, who isa Tory, taunted Gaussy with this illustration of Free Trade; and Gauppy, who is a Li declared that it was not Free Trade, but the pohey of a Protectionist Farmer, who kept up his corm in hope of starvation prices. This | naturally led to polities, and the question of peace or war, and Loap ee ed chances u Pig my ee next oa Ne. amet ought that it was use ‘or the ition to try to :a Ministry they were such incapables, Mar. “pes admitted that they had some helpless creatures ona, them, such as Loapy Ma.messuar, and others ; but that they could make nearly as good a show as the | Present set. Ma. Gaussr allowed that, exeept in Pam and CLanen- 246 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. |pow, and Pawmurg, there «as not much brains in the Cabinet; but then they were put in to make war, and for nothing else. brought on the position of the armies im the Crimea, and Mz. De Kavit fetched some beautiful maps which he bad just bought, and which they all examined with great interest, and the others made memoranda of the place where they were to be obtained. [No: you don’t get the puff, gentlemen, any of you. ‘ Suddenly, it occurred to Mz. De Kavi that the y had met on business, and taking up one of the Abstracts of Title, he said :-— “ By the way, Gaussy, about these points in your Work'able title. I can’t see my way to that knob that the servant girl swallowed. can swallow a good deal, too.” [Mauch laughter.) “ Let’s see,” said Mr. Gauspr. “I forget. Would you find the place for me, Mr. Buster?” This was Mus Swanspown’s attorney. “Certainly,” said Mr. Buster. “It was not the girl, you know _ swallowed it. She ran up-stairs, declaring that the child had ne so.” “Oh, ab, right,” said Mr. De Kavi. And this reminded him of a family anecdote of his own, and how a servant had imposed upon Mas. De Kavin, when a young wife, with a tale of cats coming down the chimney ant eating raspberry tarts and pickles. And, of course, Mr. Grussy had a tale against his laundress (who has not ?} and bow she accounted for the coals going so fast, alleging that the rats eat them. And, equally of course, both solicitors had stories of servants whom they had had to prosecute, and especially of one who always revenged herself for a scolding by going into the children’s bed-room and frightening them with a ghost. Some sensible things were said, too, about the diffieulty of dealing with | servants, whom ome wished to treat well, but who usually took advantage of kindness, and then it was urged, that the servant had too little fair play, that there ought to be training schools for her, and — that she should “enter the service” thr an Addiscombe of her own, just like any other servant of the public. This again introduced the educational question generally, to which GrusBy iven much | attention, and they diseussed several plans, but all that eom- | pulsory education, and ‘the refusal of civil privi to a parent who broke the social cungant, and neglected to have his children taught, | would do much for the coming generation. And really this was such — very useful talk, my dears, that although it lasted until the counsel had other appoin' ments, and the diseussion of busi was postponed, | Mrs. Swanspown and Ma. Fonpiesguaw could hardly grudge the | t 1 guineas or so, that, one way another, the Consultation cost them. A WITCH AND HER RABBIT. A Lancasnrre Witch has written to Mr. Punch to request that a little satirical idea of hers may be embodied in a drawing, and she is | good enone to eeeet, See en deny es ie ee. That | gentl+man happens to be rat y, 50 y "s will be good enough to execute the drawing for themselves, which they can do by drawimg upon their imaginations, with the aid of the follow- ing ample assistance efforded the Witch. “Two gentlemen have been out on a rainy day to shoot rabbits, accompanied, at a short —y— by two Indies. They (te gentlemen, Mr. Punch supposes) ever, but poor sport; and t — teeing on | their ill-luck, ordered a dead rabbit to be taken out of the , and placed in a tempting posture for a shot. The deluded gentleman is taking aim at the rabbit must be rather tall, slender, light com- plexioned, calm, pleasant features (Witch, W in a | walking-coat aud white neck-tie (rather scanty costume for a rainy day) | and his name is James. His companion must be rather taller, very dark cowplexioned, with a black neck-tie, and his mame is Wrruram. A man dressed in plain clothes must be running to . Two ladies with hats on, one tall, the other rather short (“ rather” —this is Mr, Puacd’s corres ) are lenghing wet , lr. Punch really does not see how any artist's could bring scene» more distinctly before the reader’s eye. As Cleqpatra had the red | herring put upon Axstoay’s fishing- by a diver, 30 was t rabbit from the larder set before the guns of Wuiuiam and And as Cleopatra aud Charmian laughed, so laughed the hatted ladies, | tall and “rather” short. An artist might find it embarrassing to ict all the various stages of the history in one sketch, but here told, and Mr. Puach assures his fair friend and Witeh, that her requi- | sition is nothing compared to the “suggestions” of some of his cor- | respondents. The other day, he was requested to show “ a railway train a long way off, contaming pore of all the Ministers, and | another train coming up behind it, at present out of ight, containing — Ma. Diseazi:, Loxp Derey, and Mz. Cospsn.” He hopes her | rabbit is done to her satisfaction; for, as the late Ma Haviay sags, “ Thus the kind Punch, the fair one's smile to gain, Has, from ber clear description, deek'd the seéne.’ | P.S. He has 4eard that Yorkshire rabbits are very good.

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Decewser 22, 1855.) A NEW IDEA OF HAPPINESS. We all know that “what is one man’s meat is another man’s poison.” We recollect the fabulous illustration of, that which is sport to one being possibly death to others; but we bave been taught for the first time within these few days, that drunkenness may a source of domestic felicity. There is certainly no accounting for tastes; and, perhaps, the taste indicated in the following announcement, is ove of the most unaccountable that anybody was ever knuwa to manifest :— FAMILY residing in the country will be happy to TAKE CHARGE ‘4 of a LADY or GENTLEMAN addicted to INTEMPERANCE. Apply H.M, &e, The “ Family” here alluded to must really he a strangely regulated family, when it publicly proclaims that, the addition of a drunken lady or gentleman to its circle will constitute its happiness. We cannot conceive the possibility of any wholesome pleasure being derived from seeing a fellow-ereature reeling about one’s house, in a state of in- toxication which is usually regarded as disgusting, but which is evidently conducive to the happiness of this family, which is so eager to obtain a drunkard as an inmate. We should really like to know the sort of happiness the “ Family” can expect to derive from “the charge of rig or geutleman addicted to intemperance.” Does the “Family” wish for the excitement con- sequent on the companionship of one who gets habitually “roaring drunk;” or will the “ Family” be satisfied with the calmer pleasure of contemplating a human being, in a state known among the police as “drunk and incapable.” ‘ Is the drunken inmate expected to be always drunk, as his or her part of the bargain which the family is prepared to enter into with a view to its happiness? If the family is never bappy without the charge of a drunkard, we recommend that every male member of the family should join the Police Force, and thus duty and pieasure would be combined; for taking a drunkard in charge, would be imposed as an obligation, instead of having to be advertised for as a privilege. a 6 *, \N “ Tulk of our ‘ Roughe ;’ what do you say to w Russian ditto!” Query for an Archdeacon. Tue intramaral charchyard’s reeking Breathes bealth around it—says a R-verend Party. But, though the spot may keep a Parson H 4x», Can people who inhale its fumes be hearty ? OTICE.—If the Younz Ladies. at No, 10, do not within four-and- twen y hours fcom the publication of this Notice Kamove their Piano from the wall ft now stants against, the oid bachelor at No. 9, will save an ex'ra-sized brass Knocker Gxed on his side of the partition, and will engage a retired postman to perform & regular acoumpapiment to ‘heir music. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL. “URGENT PRIVATE AFFAIRS.” Brown, Jones, and Rosiyson, three gallant fellows As ever held Her Masesry’s commission, Through perils vast and various as Othello’s, Served the campaign out, each with his division : Con'entedly eat ration beefs and muttons, Contentesly drank ration rums-and-waters, Darn’d their own socks, and sew’d on their own buttons, And fried im summer, froze in winter quarters. Each at home might be something of a dandy, Swell at “the Reg,” or Ladies’-man in garrison ; But, by Crimean needs and knocks made handy, Each had outgrown his old self past comparison. Besmirched with summer’s suns and winter’s drenches, Their smooth and shaven cheeks now bronzed and bushy ’uns, At Alma, Inkermann, and in the trenche Bearded themselves, they bearded the ; Each of the three had fairly earn’d his winter rest, (Provided Duty was not too emergent,) But only Roprvson, at howe, had interest, So Ais “private affairs” alone were “urgent.” The friends of Baowy and Jones made vain obj-ctions, They had affairs as urgent quite as Ropuson’s ; But urgency with youths of good connections, Is none with your mere cotton-twist-and-bobbin’s sons. Broww and Jones stay’d; while Ropryson more lucky, For Malta by the earliest steamer st To grudge their friend’s luck, Baown and Jowxs too plucky, ish’d him “no end of luck” as he departed. To home and Christmas fare, and fostering beauty He went, while Brown and Jones screw’d up their patience, To bare but-life, and dreary routine-duty, Dog-hunts, vingt-un, short pipes, rum-punch and rations. Last night on Capraty Rosiyson | stumbled, Tn clover, after a Belgravian dinner ; How Buowy and Jones had sigh’d—l1 don’t say “ grumbled ”— To see their comrade, then,—the happy sinner ! There the young hero sat, amidst a bevy Of tair Beigravians, cluster’d three deep round him : While his war-medall’d highness held his levée, There was no chance for us black-coate, confound him ! Not the least chance for us, smooth, smug, civilians, Against his sun-brown’d cheek, and beard so martial ; Sweils, poets, acred men, and men of millions, Had such been there, had met with snub impartial. Those girls had ears and eyes but for the Captain, For him the rogues put on their daintiest graces ; His tales of breach nd field their hearts were rapt m, As round him’paled and flush’d their pretty faces. And once I thought to go up straight, and shame him, Comrades, and camp and Coda for forsaking. But then I felt I couldn’t fairly blame bim, For the immense sensation he was making. Under Crimean. huts, snow, sludge and dirt in, Brows and Jowes grudged not Ropinson’s enjoyment, And Rosrysow wish’d Baown and Jongs, I’m certain, Could be employ’d in just his own employment. Tis easy for us, in our fireside leisures Of our young soldiers to be barehest judges. Angry, if, fighting o’er, they seek home-pleasures,— Pleasures which no less lucky comrade grudges. To happy Koprvsow let us be lenient, Nor sneer his Christmas mirth to melancholy ; But rather let us wish it were convenient That every Buoww and Jowgs could be as jolly. & RATIONAL VIEW OF THINGS, Cenemontes have their use. To view the procession of Life com- fortably and to advantage, it is necessary to upon some Fcrm. Tue Fast May’s Crezp.—Our young men adopt as their motto, “The Race is to the Swift;” only to suit their peculiar rapidity of living, they alter it to “The Race is to the Past.” An indignant Poulterer velemently denounces Ma, CanteLo’s egg- hatehing machine, as “ A piece of most detestable chickenerie,” | \. eae

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SS ae —— ee ee

xX ~ arsch pour bOMar aie the Staines and Datchet one, For then you “sa a tha Costie outs Ueber ameallg *s half gone. Tis the Field-Marshal’s daaghter—of he hath four— In childish mirth she wanders near her armoury door, And peeping in, her sweet blue eyes are lighted wi a ‘To see his implements of war that make so fair a In a more splendid Uniform no soldier e’er bath sat,— More curious forms were ne’er combined than make that wondrous Hat And there is that be never yet has fail’d to draw, at A sword? There é a sword, ee And cn a crimosn cushion lan 9 pollbhd ivory Some two feet me fp es A Eton, sae 9 yUrhow dhan the red Wis kes a = TS i ty plaything thing,” cries ories the child, “ 1"ll walk thee off with me, MS “pitti will be very glad the jovely ae rst sah ia An And to the nursery Ly ond oul ft (we know what children are), a ene, Grand, a con ROADWOOD’S yee - Vaterland.”

She caught his eye, and canght h visa en | Pe Passi papa’s own door, and never stopping for a kiss ? ” |

SMALL BY DEGREES, AND BEAUTIFULLY LESS. Shopmas. “On, I sec rour Parvoy, Sm—svur tae Lavy Lure wen Panasous ox Tue Counts!” Swell, “Haw! Ya—as—No! Tuat 1s, rr’s wy Umenertaw. Toanxs ! Br Jove! Haw ”

— a _ | “ O father, dearest father, hy pling Uhre fn Our Christmas tree won’t bold one half s0 ’li be bound.” Marshal laugh’d, oad Beh’ d the haves ae pier d = einer pails, tocaing po the Int cos ask’d the bappy child, hast thon found feet ea'st thy heart 20 overflow with glee, | Thou really look’st as pleased as Punch ; come, open, let us see. pretty toy, phy nw yh agen seriously, and his head, ns apa he said: put it down hey peg “It te Consort's a, and Clone To the Consort’s pagers and ee atte cata a eo = a The Bites So gaything, ; it were!”

A Phengmenon in the City. athens an 0 Poscodtt henceforth cease to be Saying, and “ as a Peacock ” be uses telte alan. We ha have come to this conclusion, after reading | Dopey Paaceen, who will at the Court of Common Council, when Wt pe byt - y some persons be regarded as a resigned a post of honour, or to , vol his tail. ‘elning to accept the of politen Board of Works, Deputy Peacock proposed i n. T. H. Hawt, and that gentleman was accordingly invested with Dupseas satan, 66 Wiis So lage Gacy Stas SE keaia™ to be proud. —_--

Tv @seesw Aste ese eeaé@emaecae fasiaSeiee et & Acates aces ate Beek ee eee eee Se eee eS 2m Ae Ome ho

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Decemser 22, 1855. MORE NOBLE CONDUCT OF H.R.H.F.M.P.A. He Wishes to be Placed on the same Footing as his more Fortunate Brethren in the Line! EES SS a TRE g “sgugeresas |

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FESe ® 4 fEi, 2 we num! to su Ne their HOUS hous Hort to co need Th wi Eee

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Decemper 22, 1855.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 251 | AN APPEAL FROM SMALL TYPE TO CAPITAL. Waar Smart I po wrrn wy Mower? is a question yrepounted daily in the advertisements by a financial author, who professes to solve it for those whomsoever . We have not read this gentleman’s book, but we presume it 1s intended for the instruction of those who have not too much money, want to make the most of it by the safest investment, and do not know how. Perhaps he has not thought it n to afford an answer to his question for that not very small class of persons who have more money than they know what to do with. For the class is notemall. Look on all sides of you; see how many are money away : all these belong to it. Fancy, for instance, a thousand f § in one night, or more, paying half-a-guinea for the privilege of dancing under a glare of gas, in an unwholesome atmosphere, ney Cpeees, and disgraceful company. Fancy le, in greater numbers collectively, dancing about, in better company, for the greater part, perhaps, here and there, at this and that distinguished mansion, in the midst of hundreds, nay thousands of pounds’ worth of drapery, and crystalline or metallic trinkets. Fancy people sti!l more numerous, shooting their money in the form of liquid and solid superfluities ; that is to say, rubbish ; into their own stomachs : the very worst imaginable places they could possibly choose for shoot- ing rubbish in. on people more than sufficiently numerous, and most highly select, so overburdened with money as to have, not only i forty, fifty, or sixty thousand times that sum to hazard oa the comparative = a The existing state of society verifies all these apparently as absurd, and presents so many instances of people who are so wealthy that they know not what to do with their money. Rather, ver, than throw it away, they might at least do one thing, presently to be mentioned. B.A Tame ) ‘ootmen are kept sumptuous and festive classes. If all these domestics were to be into reasonable breeches, and other- | wise attired at the same rate, many poor uvable-bodied persons might be maintained on the difference of expense * y t in pl merely, it is very’ probable that the ' number of necessitous and whom it would be possible to support, would considerably exceed Twenty-Four. Now that is the number of superannuated worthy ms, useful in their time, whom it is the present object of the Painters’ ALMs- | Houses Fonp, to accom Their design is near completion ; the | houses have been built, in a pleasant and healthy place at Wood Green, | Hornsey,.and ts — inmates in May; but ky Lee y enclosing and out the ground, there is D The workmen in the rinting business have contributed a consider- able ion of the £4000 which i { portion has been laid out in getting thus far _ with their Almshouses, and surely have a right to expect that the ~~] and friends of the Press help them out with the remainder | nee The friends of the Press are every constitutional person who can read ; its patrons everybody who is able to patronise anything: and though the Press oceupies a proud position, it will be seen on refer- ence to the Parnteas’ AtmsHovse Fowp Subscription List, that the wens © nat so proud but that it will be thankful to receive the smallest | contribution. THE AUTHORS OF WAR AND THEIR WORKS. Tus crippled heroes at Chatham have received no small consolation or the loss of their limbs : that is, as much as the Query herself could _ afford them. Hen Maszsry visited the sick and wounded in the military hospital of that place lately. Among the gallant sufferers, says the Times’ reporter— “ Another special object of Royal sympathy was Roser Cirrrow, 88th Regiment, only nineteen years old, whe lost both eyes in the attack on the Quarry Pits. After being engaged an bour, a ball entered one eye, passed under the bricge of the nose, and out at the other eye, entirely depriving him ef sight.” Thus does War tear out human eyes—yet monsters, who involve mankind in this misery, die with their own eyeballs glaring whole in ae sockets ! = “ The f Tuomas Do: , 14th Regimen years old, Iso ted out. While sherp-chosting t= trenches he wecatved 2 bail through the pr | which, after carrying away all the teeth on one side of the upper jaw, broke the lower one so as to be wedged into the fracture. It had to be pulled out by forceps.” Here is another small fraction of the vast sum of human agony and wretchedness meant by War. But brutes that are the wilful cause of sach an atrocity expire with their fangs entire in their unbroken jaws. | Bear with one more horror :-— }“ most extraordinary case was that of Witiiam Ccame, of the 88th OME mee eS pee im the trenshes on the 9th of July, was wounded by a ball which entered the right side of the nose, passed through the palate = —_, fracturing both upper and lower jaw, and passed out at the back of No retributive bullet, however, smashed the nose and mouth of the tyrant who set balls flying by thousands and tens of thousands. The wretch departed this life grinning with all his teeth. He departed this life—and what then? Well: that is for the demons to consider who initiate these horrors in the holiest with psalms in their mouths, crosses in their sripeand in their cheeks. But we are not to use such language as this in talking about Princes. It is “bad taste.” They are “august personages,” and “ it is of us to speak evil of our enemies.” Yes, canting noodles ; but i is not wrong to express loathing and deteatetion of the enemies of our common race. It is not wrong to execrate the memory of GaeENAcne ; there is one sufficient reason why it is mot: there are, perhaps, a million of reasons as strong, many of them stronger, for execrating the memory of the Emreron Nicuo.as, and for domg all that poor oo and ink ean do to rouse the wrath of mankind against the fellow who succeeded him, and whose avowed intention is to act out his father’s crime. De mortwis nil nisi bonum. Yea, indeed. Add no epitaph to the roses on Nero’s tomb; record no of Jupas Iscanior except that he was an Apostle! ‘Nay. Think of the torn-out eyes, the shat- , tered j for which the world is indebted to “august person- | ages.” Bah! Pursue such curses of the earth as wild Ceol while living : hang them up for scarecrows when dead. THE HERO OF A HUNDRED FEASTS. ne electors of Southwark are con- tinuing to give dinners to Sim) Caantes Narten. i all very | ey consider him an iihased C) though a little unruly), are resolved to make ail amends to him. As Christmas we | expect to have at @ hundred | bullocks roasted in his honour through- out the borough a | some pair ——j y em- reves A the wives daughters © of the constituency, duly presented to | him. Every feast is only another bit | of training of the old sailor, that he | may go in, and do fight with Sr | hooemmiaeie hikaniaient sheer apprehension, it is sai to a gruel diet at Netherby. We only hope that Sm Cartes will not make too much preparation ; | will not allow himself to be over-trained. Let Srm Cuan.es bear in | memory the story of a Dutchman, who, resolving to jump over a ditch, took so long a run, that when he arrived at the brink, he was fairly out of breath, and was thereupon compelled to sit himself down, the jump unjumped! We therefore hope that, with all this preparatory feasting and promising, Sia Cuanzes will teke good heed to hushand his wind. A LEARNED FLY. has west casan heahtbe bane prcgeal ott potas. eopeoat with so much success, that the msect per wit ect the functions of a book-marker. This sagacious Creature, it io alleged, was in the habit of attending on its master during his studies, for the purpose of following him in their track, - PF ing up at any point where the eye of the Priest left the it been rest . e should have thought that there might have been danger of the insect’s falling asleep on his post, in consequence of the duluess of the work, or being prevented from proceeding by the state of the roads, for those of learning are sometimes remarkably heavy. , We doubt whether the practice of using a fly as a book-marker will ever become general; but if it should prevail to any extent, the fol- lowing Literary Police Regulations might be found convenient. Every Fly to pull up with his head towards the next paragraph. No Fly will be permitted to leave the line until be is ready to pro- ceed to another lime, where he is to remain till ordered off in the regular manner. Every Fly found blocking up any passage, will be liable to be removed immediately. No Fly to stand across any column, or at the entrance of any Royal road to learning on any pretence whatever. EAR JULIUS.—You say your love will surmount all obstacles rs Meet me then, adored one, on Christmas Day, on the summit of Mont Blane— BLESTINA. | ~—-

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—-- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. [Decenszs 22, 1855. 4 age YUM Woh y LL oi as Ch tip, Vif J f / Jf, ee > ‘Na | 1] I io yw i yl A CAUTION DURING THE APPROACHING FESTIVE SEE HOW YOU HaVE scRaTCHED my Cun !” Mis t] Wj) Wi i, / TTT 1 dd Z [A TO YOUNG GENTLEMEN WHO WEAR SHARP-POINTED MOUSTACHES. Pretty Cousin, “Waat a Tinzsome Great Awkwarp Bor you are!—Just | [ Young Gentleman apologises amply. | THE * * * * * TO HIS ROYAL MISTRESS. | Wuew Princely lips to Queenly hearts , Their claims soustve Lt n a petition w im A Bair command as well | You may perchance at such request | i } } My To give some weight ivcline, To days gone by, when ’twas confess’d, We stood above the Line, When vulgar valour takes by right The rank we dsmen prize, And those who go abroad to fight To home distinctions rise : When hearts that wear a dozen clasps, With highest. rank may shine, At’such a moment—I but ask, | You ’Il treat us like the Line. A REAL BLESSING TO EVERYBODY. Tue Lawyers are making a great effort to turn Saturday into a half-holiday for themselves, and we are sure that everybody will second such a very salutary movement. If the Lawyers can be got to abstain from work for only half a day in the week, an immense amount of mischief must necessarily be prevented. There is something quite refresh- | ing in the notion that one-twelfth of the time devoted to the horrors of law may be henceforth rescued from their present frightful use, and that the Lawyers may, for six hours in the week, be in some pe pees ral pations. We shall hail the establishment of a half-holiday for Lawyers as one of the greatest boons that can be con- | ferred on society. : | That the proposition should have come from themselves is | more than we should have anticipated, though in the present | philanthropic age we might have expected some friend of the | human race to have —— that the Lawyers should | | be made to cease from t Jager pursuits at least | j}once aweek for the good of the public in general. e | [aged enema on the part of a as a og ms | for when conscience 1s once aw there is no wing | SEASON the extent of its beneficial influence. | // / “ie J/ FEV 4, i, | | Tae Mancuester Puttosopuy.—Ask any philosopher of the Bricart school, and he will tell you the “ Thread of | Life ” is—Cotton ! THE ORDER OF THE CHIMNEY-POT. We have recently been enlightened as to the existence of an officer of the Royal Household whose name we never recollect to have stumbled over in the s of the Court Calendar, or in the columns of | the Court Circular. e, however, have much satisfaction in present- ing to the world, and dragging from the bushel under which his light has hitherto been hidden, no less a personage than W1ison, THE Roya. Sweer, who we are told was “active” the other day in putting out (or fancying he a pene out), a fire that had broken ont (or was believed to have en out) in Windsor Castle. We trust that in all futare editions of Royal Red, Blue, or cther similar official books, the name of Wrison, THE Roya. Sweep will be assigned its proper place in the list of the Royal Household. The office may be humble, but it is seful, and quite as honourable as those which were We confess to some little astonishment that in these days there should : : = E ee ts taken & eee ve been distinguished as Royal Ramoneur ; but t process is not i to py ey ee Soulty'cl's pest chen If the | Royal Sony io cents there may be personal reasons for bis con- tinuing to adhere to the old school of high art with reference to chim- | neys, but we would warn him by the fate of the many historical person- | ages who, especially in the neighbourhood of a have lost their | Boos by cieeine- Some inconvenience may arise from the prominence ; _ into which W1ison has been brought, for now that the Court News- ; man bas offici ised the “ Royal Sweep,” we shall be having | claims made by the Royal Dustman, who no doubt thinks himself far | common , the Royal Coalheaver, and a variety of other | officials of a similar class, demanding the courtesy of's line in the list of exist such a post as that of yr ne fed cig = ace ae A CHARTERHOUSE CAROL FOR CHRISTMAS. | | We understand that the Very Reverenp Arcnpeacon Hate is about to give a great treat to the boys of the Charterhouse at Christmas. He will sing, or rather execute, a church chaunt, to be called in some manner after Mz. Kosson’s Humours of a Country Fair, | the Humours of Five Pluralities, 1t is our present opinion, that nothing | can surpass the marvellous flexibility of feature, the ex i variety of intonation of the Olympic actor; nevertheless, much is to be | | expetted of the powers of face of a churchman who, at one time, can | represent five rs. Again, although the actor has doubtless a deservedly high salary, still, the several pickings amounting to between , £4,000 and £5,000 per annum, must impart to the voice of the church- | man a volume of silveriness to be despaired of by the richest comedian | —out of a pulpit. | | Cumming and Going. | We perceive that the well-puffed publications of Da. Cusmarse, who | modestly fixed the year 1866, we understand, for the termination of | ld, are issued by Suaw, who ought to spell his name Psuaw Stag hy meg bg: mag ee By the way, we like to know, whether the Doctor practises what he preaches : made all his arrangements as to property or otherwise, with a | the short duration he assigns to the world we live in. We | i mange heme toate Dewees ast Cink of eating years’ purchase for the freehold. Curtous Cormcrpence.—An energetic young ee, who, ac- | ing to the Post, is very shortly to be ied, is of all public | speakers, the lustiest advocate for the continuance of war ! Atexanper’s Feast.—The Emperor or Rossta being made to eat his own words. He A [ E SE a Bd Fe FE : 4 Te FERS FTEAE FEE

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. ie oe De ee he ee |

Wee Vere w ere “ nm | ae ST de, i, Dk eee

Daceuser 22, 1856.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 253

— ==3

OUR OWN RAILWAY IN TROUBLE. 4N INVOCATION FROM THE ; < ; ARMY in ara UR poor little Kensington , —— —_ : . Railway has got itself To an Illustrious Pield-Marshai,

into a sad hobble in a simple endeavour to Br the service thou hast ; move @ few coals, By each hour that thou hast whieh came into col. . Under fire in trench or lision with a © ~ By that sw i train on the G First in b r Western, fact

countless cannon-shot, Retr he here but ear ich have ‘ . By the bombs that have burst aT By the rockets that have dropp’d Right before ig 4 each sabre, retitt

the almost equally wild district of Warwick Square. These two localities seem to maintain | a stubborn isolation, notwithstanding their geographical propinquity, and it appears to be as | By ieee to cultivate a fi communication by rail between Wormwood Scrubs and | arwick Square as to get oil vinegar to coalesce. We do not mean to depreciate the pee capabilities of the poor little line, if it were extended to some points within the pale of bat civilisation and beyond the palings of the Square, which enjoys a A celebrity in the of " in pom science that i made, is to th bh Rail by a bridge tp t ies foreed to fi ; only proposition is now is to carry the unhappy Railway by a bridge across | y great armies fo “e; the Great Western, which seems to beonly a new mode of “ throwing it over;" a fete which By great cities ta’en by thee; it has in other ways a The real remedy for the misfortunes of the | By all thy strategic feats, line, is to give it something to do beyond the mere child’s play to which it has hitherto been Bold advances, wise retreats ; limted ; for, a Railway which starts at one end from nothing, and comes to nothing at the By thy sieges and campaigns ; other end, can only have one terminus—and that is, Failure. Even the market gardening By thy captared ordnance-trains, operations, which once occupied the painful leisure of the officials, ap to have come to | By thy booty and thy spoil ; a stand; for the rails are no longer fringed with a border of radishes; and the sleepers | By thy length of warlike toil ; no longer a in the midst of eabbage-beds. Why not extend the coacern, so as to) By thy boots, thy spurs, thy belt,

E

make it available, as it might be, for very valuable traflic; but at present it serves no other By the powder thou hast smelt, purpose, than to cause everyone who has ing to do with it—(though it supplies no! By the hat, frock, all the clothes communication)—to be continually troubled with a line. hich to thee the soldier owes, — Rest thee, Arsent, rest thee now, a With thy laurels on thry brow ; | Rest thee, warrior, let the THE CONTAMINATION OF IRON. Thou hast earn’d suffice thy name ;

| It would seem as if the stable was not the only Temple of Dishonesty. At one time, | iter ons ne ee: roguery and horses apparently ran together. No soouer did a man have anything to do | ioees | with a horse, than from that moment he was either making for the Old Bailey, or else starting wee oe et Yt owe boldly on the Road to Ruin. But lately it would appear as if the four-footed monopoly of | : robbery had become forfeited in favour of railways. Is there anything immoral m the touch of iron? Is there a rust in the metal that SF yymnc de character acquires the | moment he comes iv contact with it? And yet we could enumerate the reputations of ALICE GRAY. _ certain Railway Kings and other potentates, that have become exceedingly rusty from the habit of fingering too freely railway iron! We suppose the contamination only follows im Twis interesting young lady is, every day, the proper order of things, for as railways bave superseded horses, it was bnt natural that | strengthening her claims upon the roguery of the one should im’ time supplant the roguery that formerly was so closely and the sympathy of a most connected with the other. Aad as a steam-engine goes much faster than @ racer, it was thinking British publie. only to be expected that railways, in the race of dishonesty, would certainly rum con-)} writing, we are told, are anxiously sought for : siderably a-head o horses. iron has become lately such a suspicious artiele of commerce, and locks of ber hair will that it ought deerdedly to exclaim to any respectable man who is morally anxious to keep his eager buyers. A young gentleman, who has fingers clean, “ Noli me Tangere !” |just entered upon ao fortune of ; per ‘annum, is said ouly to await the liberation of the fele-cxptive oem po-eiiae Se Rip beast on Russ Beeswing income. y is, it is ion . arte em te Tue Ewreror or Russia has presented to the Editor of the Northerm Bee a snuff-box set -her ; but with a sense, we shou'd rather say with in diamonds. We presume this compliment to the Bee is a recognition of the valae which an under-current, of honour that has glided the Exre-or sets on Buzz. We do no‘ recollect having ever heard, until lately, of the through her life, she is first determmed to Northern Bee ; but we may be sure that if any Literary Bee is suffered to “ live and breathe ‘fulfil a theatrical engagement, into which, on and have its Bee-ing” in Russia, the Bee in question must be a very humble one. Lt would ;ber final commitment for trial, she entered with — be certain death to vhe Bee if it dealt in any other than honeyed words, or dared to turn a Leoedon manager. Ma. LUSDERBUSS | at all waxy. is, at the present hour, engaged on the drama. ,

+ | fe |

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a a eT UNFORTUNATE MR. BARBER, an has been said of actors, that “when they do agree, their punanety heir tainds toa piene of The case of Ma. W. H yo = 3s ey (ans : i PUNCH’S. ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE. Petruchio; “Why, ‘tis a cockle, or a walnut shell, A knock, « toy, « trick, « baby’s cap ; “rade with it, come let me have a bigger.” “Til have no bigger; this doth fit the time—” Taming of the Shrew, Act iv. Scene 3. aii of a sentence for a crime of ow od he is virtually declared tt he t — console or ot,. as eens ras cara, t e has been improperly de rom is now admitted. oa Geoever, it will be thought that Ma. Bassas ~ . | per said of pe lawyers, that when they do Pera, needs commiseration under his ity, their puritapism is quite mar- ground referred to in the old case of the eels, who, we find in the books, ny apne po ay for though were used to it.” Sree Raia on ghee bata balleeal cebemcinsees one ————— for mang years refused pardon by all the Jaw courts, for mitted, be was - rh, of reo = So a waa pardon” sufferings, on the ranks are infested by some of the most obnoxious miscreants that | certain purpose, the, coaxers | ever contributed to render an occupation odious. Poor Mr, Barner | 20, as it may be, for skill seems to have been made the seape-goat for all the villainy which the ‘0 sing for a | ghtinele! thal wan the profession of the law is said to contain ; and while no steps are'taken to | remove from the roll those who are notorious for t their mal-practices, an | would “tal “7 beguiled Scteeatipetion wenevingsd to keep off the roll # man against | pen nas wich the Government had neared by G2 y be permitted to restoring him eo freedom. who doxb His case, ee oon | ts that the Ni ‘ affection and reverence of convenient text upon which purity might be Boece pe his | sing ie of sound nd dong bo of Nightin Ww ~ Ses Rag wey ae Fege wounds were kept open as sort of issue, instead of dealing directly with the numerous sore places and corruptions which the es ional | y is burdened with. The Court of Qaeen’s Bench has at Sei eS eae tee cae “could no longer withhold hancery in its old thousand Nightingale notes, after several years of paiies from his professional pursuits, he is ‘and of her own free emotion, the no tingale. cceuped wore icky than ev he can obtain any, in a ground cuapeaation is ora epee Dp Nigh ) Ak HOW THE NIGHTINGALE WAS NOT CAUGHT. We have the fullest, todas req every effort that can be made to | A Trap was set for the Swedish Nightingale; a twig was ion of its corruotions, but we cannot approve - pinch of salt was between thumb and fioger for sure eee ee tial ts vain Mx. Bannan i into jh vaste, 40 toate as | caption of the bird ; eT Bemshow it and there diviudly sang, singing itive ot Seen Soagth | (ho ruddiness of secured healt? Are ine arrival scattered i of slothfu permission :. | United States, in Germany,—to. cheer taling his ak position as a certificated attorney of that Sn and world-weary ? Therefore, ‘the know that at her ow . =f ! by active competitors. Of course | “eT ee : and Ma. Banser having already | + ee pardoned, after , of No. 18, Upper Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Evans. of No. 19, Queen's Road West, Regent's Park, both in -on.—Sarvapat, December 22, 1566, toe ia the Frecinet of Whitetiars, im the City of iwadon, and Pubilened uy them ac No. ob, Fleet Jone ove Hasv—Wh dnticediethemmnanmnal a find it tn the hands of o thi ? Because they always stop it. a “—9e0 qe er i eae > |

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GS ESFSESERIVE CR SSES, ee ee ye | Decemsen 29, 1855.) 255 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. RATE News OESTERRC ICHIScHE 2 FROp CraNS ia —_— ) BH NEWS | JKJa y PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE. “ I speak of peace, while covert enmity, Under the smile of safety, wounds the world.” N ews » 4 al Under ~ Vightly uproarious, ——— ips . PEACE Henry IV. Part 2, Induction. NATIONAL ANTHEM FOR PRUSSIA. Lone live our jovi On Prussia’s Lae the Czaz, = It is er eause, To shout with all oar j Bless our View’ Kiwo ! Munificent Donations. deli- Colza, . chased at the Show), and 580lb. (best long fours) of tallow-candles, In the course of Christmas-Day, each man had distributed to him a couple of candles, and an illumination-glass of Colzaoi). Before going to bed the fellows sang the Russian bymn (Cavijare dy Cran”), and drank the bealth of their benefactors in a bumper of the exciting liquid that had been so generously sent them. Homage at any Price. Tux pertinacity with which our their when - ory countrymen remain at D is over—has been strikingly exemplified in the case of the brave GenznaL Wr and his companions-in-arms; who,'fafter staying in Kars as long as they could, are now inKarscerated. FIVE MINUTES WITH THE ADVERTISERS. ig Churches in | ! ‘This remark is | forced from Mr. Punch by the following advertisement, which @ person of the name of poons | HEY must have 4 ; é 3 i to whose announcement Mr. Punch’s states in another local paper that she —Daigeng Msetinace Mangants te 0 pitas or puteate ant. The latter will be our Honsemaid prefers privacy to piety she will perhaps explain to toe shntene to whom she applies. doe Las ‘evidewaly never read apeaking/ treet, sonst te carted sy ato the , sermon apd white pocket-handkerchief. A third Advertiser is from the other side of the kingdom, and we sincerely congratulate her upon the good condition in which she find herself. ADY’'S HORSE WANTED.—Any one having a well-trained LADY'S 4 HOSE or MARE, not less than six years old, and up to 12 stone weight, may hear of a Customer by writing to ——, Great Y Twelve stone, for a lady, is not bad, and imports that our fair friend has lived upon something besides her native herrings. _ Finally, comes am announcement in the Times, which for general maddie beats enything we have seen—even a leader in the Advertiser. GENTLEMAN wishes to RECOMMEND a highly le TRADESMAN'S WIPE to the care of one or two children, where great care wil! be taken of them and trust, in « healthy , and no connection with any other children. Ne family of their own. &e. Who, what, when, where, which, why, epenen, whessiere? Why does gentleman i with the respectable ’s family ? Why NE a eee ae es persons on band, why is great care to be taken of them? “And trust.” What what’s trust? What does he mean? “No connection with any os - Pay: full and then they di a full-grown woman, isavow | connecties with any other children. Finally, there is “no family of | their own.” Whose own? ‘The children’s? The intrusive | man’s? Certainly, this is a wonderful composition. It does read | like @ scrap of the Advertiser's inconceivable spasms of | iotism, mn which the writer is in such a fury with despots and the that he cannot stop to see on whose heads his thundering adjectives but smashes everybody with a truly awful reeklessness of relatives But it is not remarkable that one Advertiser should resemble another. toe Geet ee ho past relies en to Ge Present ; ocate peace, in public opinion numbered, as Ma. Waicurt would say, amongst “ the parties that war.” a 5 2 D oe ecocious children these one or two are!— |

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[Decumeen 29, 1855. So er eee MORE BRIGHT IDEAS. Comune gine cate of peace wit Russia is Mr. Barient. For he a in = speech the other day at the Mars- den Mechanies’ Institution : “What « wonder- ful thing is one of these penny News pepers! It is as well written and as good in tone and morals, as one of the old and costly papers we have been accustomed to see. A steamer comes in from the United States, a great ship from Anstralia, «a mail from India and | China, despatches and | correspondence m that unhappy region where four Christian nations are engaged in matual slanghter, by telegraph from all the great capitals of Europe; all the tidings from all quarters of the Globe are gathered into that wonderful sheet, which, for one penny, is placed before you every day.” The gentleman who praises that wonderful sheet, naturally also sympathises with Russia. Wonderful, indeed, are the contents of Mu. Baiout’s penny sheet. ‘They would be more wonderful still, if | the vendor of that sheet to Mr. Baiout had paid for them all. T’er- | haps he has, though. Make that reservation. Perhaps he maintains his | own correspondent at New York, Geelong, Calcutta, Madras, Bombay, Canton, before Sebastopol, at Constantinople, in Paris, and every other capital in Europe, not excluding St. Petersburg, if he is a “friend” of Mr. Baicut’s. Perhaps his foreign correspondence is all original. But, if otherwise, his news are simply prigged ; and the | patron of his paper is no better than a receiver of stolen goods. If | Mr. Batour approves of this man’s style of business, he cannot but approve likewise of Russian policy; nor ought it to surprise anybody to learn that he is aecustomed to buy his silk pocket-handkerchiefs in the cheapest market, wherever that may .be, which has succeeded Field Lane. Ma. Bateut in the same , moreover, exhibited himself as a | consistent professor of the doctrine of non-resistance at Against | the national hostility to Russia, he contented himself with preferring the gentle plea, that Russia is not so barbarous as we generally sup- | pose. THe hased this argument on two notable facts. These facts were, that Russia had at one extremity of the empire a library con- | taining a great many books: and, at the other, a city containing an im- mense quantity of corn, Ma, Bateurt ignored, as usual, the cause of the anti-Muscovite feeling of the people; namely, their conviction that the Russian attempt on Turkey was the first move towards the intended subjugation of Europe. He did not dispute that point ; he only disputed the assertion that the ians were ms; and | was satisfied to leave unprejudiced minds to draw the conclusion, that | the Russian yoke was not so as it was su to be; and that, to take the chance of having to wear it was preferable to fighting, in order to keep it off. It is very true that Ma. Baron predicts that— “ By-and-by we shall find out that Carpiwan Wieemay, the French Invasion and the Russian Emperor may be classed in the same list of imaginary perils.” Mr. Briout should speak for himself and his minority. They may | laugh at the idea of foreign supremacy ; for they would submit to it with smiles. | witness Austria and Turkey; though we may, | imaginary perils, if we persist in not being advised by Mn. Brient. A Frozen-Out Clock. We have seen with some onystes, but without much sympathy, an the exces-| jy. ; ay sive cold. We have no doubt that the case of the clock will occupy the | Cribe Coustituencies, and get into immediate attention of the City authorities; and, as the cold has had announcement that the clock of . Paul’s had been sto sive cold. : stopped PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Concordats and invasions are not imaginary eventualities ; haps, find them | Buster found in Mas. MRS. SWANSDOWN’S WORK-TABLE. A CONVEYANCING LECTURE FOR THE LADIES. “ Steal, foh! the wise convey it call.” —Shakspeare. AND now, my dears, we approach the conclasion of our little illus- tration of the system which defrauds you all of so much and comfort. f told you what a pleasant Consultation was held by the four Jawyers, and how agreeably they got on. Two or three other the same kind, rm rare, and the counsel talked over meetings, sane of the points they had on the papers, and left others for future discussion. In the meantime Mus. Swaxspowy’s solicitor, Mx. Busres, was not idle, and the costs he was incurring in fulfilling the demands of the lawyers on the other side were highly pleasing to him to contemplate, when he made up his “attendance book,” as a lawyer’s waste-book is called, or Bo church with Mas. Buster, after an excellent upon the worthlessness of cae Mem age : Now, as you may like to know the way in which Ma. Busren’s earthly treasures were accumulated, I will show you a or so from the bill against Mas. Swanspowy, which was 1 made up, every week, by a clerk kept for the purpose of a to such matters. I will take out a leaf at random, there are already eighty or ninety pages of the same kind. Any one is a good specimen. Ss. &.@ porchaser having agreed to waive a commission into the eountry to inquire whether “ Larry” wes ovey ened a ceteeutaiian: for Levrria, and baving offered to be satisfied with the resultof re searches, journey to various counties om such investigation, days at three guineas . . . . . . . . . Ps . . Confidential Clerk, at two ditto . . . e ° Attending st an td farmhouse te Shespehive Chose the people has boos ndin a no ae - Fak and asking the question, when the inmates informed me, that they had never had a* Larry,” but that they had had « Making cate of this, and copy to keep . ° ° . ‘ ‘ ‘ Paid farmer's boy for opening gate and frightening away ahostilecow . Attending a parish clerk in W orcestershire, asking for similar information, when he said, he thought there was a “ Lerrr the P ° Searching same from 1602 to 1855, but without effect A Beer to the parish clerk . ‘ ; : ° . ° ° . ° ‘ Having heard that there was a “ Lerry” settled in Buckinghamshire, said her name was journey thither, and attending her, when she “Kerner,” which was shortened te “ Harry,” and likewise set a dog Sal Sua ian enn #-oo owco coco id cCwoa oc = som e088 npen us . . ° . . . ‘ . Attending neighbour to borrow poker to wop dog ° ° ° Paid for hire of poker ‘ ° ‘ ° ° : é ‘ . e Paid repairing seat of clerk's trousers, which bad been lacerated by the animal ~. ° ° e ° . ° e . ° . ° . Having received a message from the postmaster of the district, telling us to come to him, attending accordingly, when he said, he had no “ letter” for us. Explaining to him that he had misunderstood our errand, and that he wasafool . ‘ ° . . . ° . . s Journey into Hampshire, and attending several girls’ to ask if there were any “ Lerrizs” there, and being informed by one of the girls that I should find some at a neighbouring market-gardener’s, attend- ing him, when he said “ Yes, he had plenty of lettuce” . ° . : Attending, advising whether this would do, when I considered that it would not do for evidence, but would do excellently for salad, and eating same accordingly . . . . . . ° . . . . . Attending a ladies’ sehool at Brighton, and asking whether any of the young ladies were acquainted with the word “ y” when one ot them stated that it was the second figure in s quadrille e ° us A Quadrille having been of Freneh extraction, and the Work-table ha also come from Franee, writing te the purchaser's advisers, to know i this secondary evidence would satisfy,them, when they replied, that it would not ‘ . . ° ‘ . ° . ° . ° ° ° Copy evidence I had collected, to lay before’ Me.Gaunmy . . .. Attending, advising thereon, when he was of opinion that the question could not be considered as set at rest, and recommended further exertion . Paid his fee and clerk P ‘ ° ° ‘ ° . a) Copy of his opinion, foruse . : ° . . ‘ oy Ze ° . Drawing advertisement for the second column of the Tim-s ; that, if any- body called “ Lerry” would communicate withyme, I should be_ much obliged ; and, copy, and attending to insert . " . ° . e- Paid insertion ; é i ; e . * ‘ P . ° . Having received 82 answers, wishing to know what I would “ stand” for the information, writing 82 answers, telling the that they ought to be of themselves for their ¢@ imen of the earthly treasures whi B i " Wampouns, Women, and whi conveyancer ” finds, in a or degree, soul Gr house, or ‘ottage which he has to bu: ou can dears, how it is that i t, broughams and pagne. If I am telling you, or any suspicion thal T om ~ coro oo een oo eon &#°O ro ~ oe co = o °o This, my loves, is a’ s Serhicseecesmakesseeer || | w-0-8- 2 oe x — . Rae teh ft betieth Ge bette fit «@ Pe ed toes et et country gentleman, with whom you may be spending your Chr whether his lawyers’ bills for the year are unlike ‘ | will find nothing to laugh at im the extract from Ma. Busren’ account. But I am sorry to tell you, that Ma B Re-| equthly teensusee~to say nothing of the smaller heap » “to be put) three lawyers were making out of this Work-table | eut short by an accident. This accident, also, the effect of stopping the hands, we should not be surprised if the Corporation sho«ld order that the hands be forthwith provided with a pair of gloves. If a muff would answer the purpose, perhaps the want might be supplied by a Common Councilman. be iii atietipn M be OO Ri es x! Parsrut Case 4 Spe a i ers € morning papers have petiti i | on the same footing as the Racine

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oo son fof 2 ane eon &#o° on o BERSEFOSF He

|eahe &

i

| gentlemen entered Mus. Swaxspows’s house, with a false key, one ® large ® quantity of dead horses as Ducemszr 29, 1855.) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. ar |

and therefore the lawyers had no right to complain. By arecent Act, a — _ or other a if Poe spa om a grel-che lain MAN AND BEAST. and the other prison authorities (which is ex mney casy), and COB) 6A Socrery has lately sprung—or, we should rather say, tumbled— make ye) a he —- apes, vossives 2 Hee. F lear, = into existence at Paris, whose object is the accomplishment of what | eg sd i so Cesta’ nat _ r | - leon ante dial may be called the “disgusting feat” of eating horse-flesh. These in- iS wan io the den Gf eee ani We aie i dividuals style themselves the “ Hippophagic Association ;” and the eS =¢ a oe — __ grand purpose of their lives seems to be, the ing down their throats was arranging for “further exertions,” three of t Ticket-of-Leave A 1] ‘hase uiedl—we : : F a. Society, not their food—are allowed to follow up their horrible night, while the family were at the theatre. One man descended into | eam the Society, not ; — the kitchen and soothed the servants into silence by means of a loaded Piqm and satiate ‘heir appalling appetites, the question may ae teen rod ty pistol, ng by soe sense the — F | sist of one hundred Members, and each M were to moderate his . sched it a Oe large to carry sway; | Y | hunger so as to eat only one horse per month, we get the frightful total of a it to pieces with a hammer, and stripped off a re twelve hundred horses annually withdrawn from the stock of the regular rary ny va With o watch or two, some plate, miniatures, and other dog’s-meat man. It is true that many persons who frequent the cheap irene Gey mage TM be the £ another eee of the restaurants in Paris, and, perhaps, even the lower order of London pie- | ee ee ere ews generany cisclaim prose- | shops, may be acting on bippophagic pri iples without being aware of tism, speedily “ converted” the plunder, with the aid of a melting-pot. | it; but, that any human being can calmly sit down to a dinner « ff dead taltt Pen aki tehe 4 Yr4A- oT Ms enjoying Christmas bospi- | horse, is really mconeeivable. If there is a body of epicures who have He “> a the ; es = va Fo ~ . ‘carried gluttony to such a morbid pitch that they cannot eat wholesome —_ eo We Te ended, as Ma. Foxpiesquaw was animal food, such as satisfies the rest of the human race, we would not getng to give Nie mathontniew Se ‘for nothing; and both Greet their attention to a less valuable beast than the horse; and we — had to their ae —— Le —e —_ | recommend them to that more congenial animal the ass, which would Tees hich T my om, id -” avour will weg r ‘be very likely to agree with them. It may be said that the arrange- San com as li tle diff betw. pn lhery ened ment savours somewhat of cannibalism; but, if it should even be the HARSPRARB saw lit erence ‘een a conveyancer and a thie!, | 1 .+h of them, it would only make @ still further diminution in the and, paren, Ge Swaxspown and Fowptesquaw families make less | Oo ber of doukeys distinetion they should do between the Lawyers and the Ticket-of- —_ ee? Leavers, who among them dealt with firs. SwansBown’s Work-table.

THE BRITISH MERCHANT PAST AND PRESENT. THER was a British Merchant in the jolly times of old, As some of us, in our founs days, by grandfathers were told ; He was a man of ample means and corresponding mould, Who throve by what he wisely bought and profitably sold. A spacious beaver hat he had, and powder’d was his hair, Blue, with brass buttons, was the coat which he was wont to wear ; Eneased in a buff waistcoat was his corporation fair, A chain and seals hung from his fob ; his watch he carried there. A frili'd shirt, ruffles at his wrists, and buckles in his shoes — He wore, and shorts, which calves display’d as solid as his views ; He never ventured more than he was weil prepared to lose, And therefore all who dealt with him were certain of their dues. He look’d upon his counting-house with pleasure and with pride, And used to live above it in the precincts of Cheapside; There Father Thames bore wealth to him and riches on his tide, Twas there the British Merchant lived, and when his time came, died But now his modern counterfeit is living like a lord, In some suburban mansion, and a style he can’t afford ; But, being a director of some Company or Board, Bip tenan ofl goutintion ho sepleniehes do heard. His business is to make things pleasant, cook accounts, and play With other s money and his sacred trust betray, Until the bubble bursts at length—there comes a crash one day, And then he’s not forthcoming : for the knave has run away. If canght, he gets some barrister to undertake his brief, ——— (se Who probably will get him off, like many another thief ; And if he should conyi convicted be, although he comes to grief, SEASONABLE GOOD-HUMOUR. The people he has ruin’d still remain without relief. wisi

Orrntfah sd, = ee. -— base fannie

_A Corizn, who has the reputation of being rather a sharp blade in | Oh! for the British Merchant of the former times, that could his business, has stuck up in bis <4 i —which is not a six- Command, in case of a gay | sam he would, penny fare from Oxford Street—the following announcement : His name was held in such ; 90 high his credit stood, - Sicceeicatlifiein And nobody required his bond—his word was thought as good. T OF ILITY Oh! for the British Merchant that was wont to his chest, er; = | And ii kets full of gold he } - , Measured and Fitted to a Nicety. | While tontmonte of and virtue he express’d ; ‘ ee i) ala Where is that British now? The Law replies Non est/ | We must not forget to mention, that just above the inscription is And how should things be otherwise when noble Lords we see," suspended a pair of Skates. That scorn the honest trader, will, as thick as thieves can be,

Hob-nob with wealthy Railway though rogues of base degree, Destitution of Brown Bess in Russia. And when their bankers come to *tis no surprise to me. Pracussion locks are by no means universal in the Army of the | a “ first Military Power in Europe ;” hence has arisen, on the part of the | Russian t , a great demand, which it proves difficult to meet, for | Wawt_or Miireary Lyretiiesnce.—Lorp Lucaw has received | flints. y, if the heart of the Czan is with his soldiers, the | another Cavalry appointment. deficiency might, in some measure, be supplied out of that.

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THE — ee PU NCH, OR LONDON CHARIV ARI. (Decemper 29, 1855. Shoe Black (who is deing alittle “gratis” fore friend). “ Well, afore I'd miademean a feller creature like him, blow'd if 1 wouldn’t a’moss go and dé ~(y, hanythink.” Sweeper. —- —- --—_ - ‘Oh! Ob HEE ta well Seley En vw ah ove like me, doesn't know vot shifts he may be druwv to.” I/EAD-QUARTERS OF BULLY BOTTOM. GenTLeEMAN named Bextneton has invented a new k recommendation of whi in its being comfortably adjusted | to the soldier’s back, instead wf, like the old one, movements and respiration. In alice to this invention, the Times says : “ Anoverwhelming toftestimony in favour of Bear & plan, coming not only from the ers themselves, but from army surgeons, eminent medical hitherto falled te ereute, Na*-adoption at the Horse Guards.” We have been calling “ Tlead Quarters” the “ Horse Guards,” quite long enough. Tt is high time that the Authorities of those Guards exchanged the name of that noble animal for the desig- nation of another pairepes. » which"they correspond, in nature and quality, , & great 1 pee than they do to it. Menceforth, unless they show omeahet tn igo reason to the contrary, they had better be denominated the Ass A New Kind of Head Dress. Mistress. Jane, are you sure it was Mrs. Smirngers who called? Come, tell me now, how was she dressed ? Jane. Why, if y er Mum, she was a-going to the Theayter, or a Ball, and she on her ’ead a great big Turbot, Mum, and there was a W bale over that, Mum. ring his | $ HABITS OF GREAT MEN. Lord Ropert Grosvenor stops all his watches and clocks On a the | Sunday. consists Bensamn Dusnarit, Esq., generally sharpens his razor on a Joe | Miller. Mr. Baieut slee sheets are likewise in a cotton nightcap. His socks, shirts, and | of cotton. none but Berlin gloves. he Peet insists upon his tailor always measuring him wit ta Str Tasers Granam, when he receives a letter, cannot help peeping into it first Mr. Giapstone cannot eat a prawn without endeavouring to divide it into three Lorp Joux talks of his childrensometimes as Schedule A, B, C, &c. CHRISTMAS WAITS, Tas Krxe ov Pavssta is waitin Europe take, before he —— to decide for one side or the other. Anstria is also waiting to see which way the European cat y (jumps Campanas. Wiseman is wai for the day when England thanks tc the Pureyitea ll Perrin with the Pore. Mr. Conpen is waiting for , by means of which he intends showing the way in w ussia should be crumpled u Loxp Joun is waiting for a new place. —aa A Sentiment ror tue Centrat Boarp.—May all parochial heart- burnings subside; and may there be an end to all anger—except -— me er, He carries his passion for cotton to | his | such an excess, that, when he goes to an evening party, he will wear to seé what turn events in | D’ ler—ayora (junior). caTrma.wTYTtrTrmt™ wT TesT ~~ le Oe

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iz = PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Deceworn 29 1855 as ~ “ a, Y; . a é | ~ THE ENGLISH PACIFICATOR.

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ee ee en ee eine ie dill: Zine

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Assurp Rumour of an Approaching Mar- | Clerical Advertiser (The), 193 149 riage, Abuse of Pritish Hospitality, 232 102 A Aceommodation in Gaol, 160 Acquisition to Plain English (Aa), 124 Aduiteration of Government, 79 Adulterator’s Alphabet (The), 106 Advice to Adv Saobs, 163 —~ and Literary, 40 ‘s Masked Ball, 112 ‘Ailes Gray (of Wolverhampton), 203, 263 “ Amen - that —— rayer,” 20 yr a (As), 192 from ‘Smal "Type to So Army Fashi Asoeee to the ateeap Hieate Rand, 29 As Safe as the Bank, 142 Astonishing ae 103 Clerical Auction Mart (The), 120 Cochin-China Correspondence (The), 31 Cockney Malakhoff, $1 Coming it too Strong, 26 Companion to the Latehkey, 208 Complaint from the Paddle-Box (A), 100 Constantine's Dream, 206 Contamination of Iron (The), 253 Cook’s Voyages, 14 | Cooking a Barometer, 123 Cordon Bleu, 41 Coup d’ceil Extraordinaire (A), 170 Couple of Wonders (A), 119 Cricket on the Mormon’s Hearth (The), 86 Criminal Preference, 133 Criticism, 141 Cruel Assault on a very Old Gentleman (A), 20 Crusade against the Butchers (A), 131 Gunains and Going, 252 aT of Female Russian Bear (The Attiteds - Prussia (The), 155 Austrian Exbibition for 1869, 232 Authors of War and their Works, 261 Away with the Blunderbuss, 2 Axe-idental Joke (An), 104 Basy Shows, 149, 161 Bauker’s Chapel (The), 62 Bargain on Horseback (A), 132 Barnum for President, 59 Batch of Advertisements (A), 144 Beauty of Silence (The), 151 Beacties of the Bishops, 25 Bench i 172 Bibliomaniac (A), 63 Bit to bother Brotherton (A), 224 Black Marseillaise (The), 156 Blighted being (A), 170 Bombardment of Sweaborg, 90 Bonnets and Births, 7 Boston Baby Show, | Bouquet of Roman Candles (A), I Bow, wow, wow, 136 Break-down of the Income Tax Cart, 101 British Merchant, Past and Present (The), 257 By the Margin of Thames’ Dirty Waters, CaBixet Question (A), 172 Calisthenics of Common Life (The) 14 Call on Swedish Friends (A), 222 Cameron Massacre (The), 115 Cant and the Conjuror, 170 Cant in the Coal Trade, 196 Cant of Square Toes (The), 114 Captivity among the Natives of Russia, 1 23 i ~~ of the“Great American Water- 131 nake, Card from the Publicans (A), 42 Card—St. James’ Park (A), 119 Card for Cricketers (A), 120 Cave Canem, 42 Caveat for the Czar, 195 Certainty as safe as a Bank’(A), 151 Chair! Chair! 14 Chapter without an End (A), 39 Charterhouse Carol for Christmas (A), 252 Chastisement for 7 Criminais, jog Man (The), 101 a for thot Coppers (A), 124 Curious Characteristics of Waiters, 120 Czar’s Idol-Trieks (The), 215 Czarina to her Mate (The), 146 Dawonas of Playing at War, 76 Dangers of the Thames (The), 4 Dark View in the Crimea (A), 191 De Bello Civili, 22 Deadly Lively Locality (A), 196 Definitions by a Disappointed Maa, 206 tion |” 208 Destruction of Works of Art, 188 Dirty Jemmy, 136 Disgraceful Abettor of Intemperance, 65 Distiller in Difficulties (The), 133 Dizzy brewed a kind of plot, 174 Dramatic Word for Mrs. Brownrig'{ A), 186 Drunkenness at Bow Street, 72 Duke of Somerset (The), 150 Dunup on the Money Market, 203 Eat no Sugar! 228 Eclogue (some way) after Virgil, 16 Edueation at the Antipodes, 65 Egotism, 224 Egyptian Darkness, 204 Eight Hundred Heads tw a Sermon, 136 Emigration of the Lawyers, 108 End of Yankee Doodle (The), 224 England's Humiliation, 129 England's Political A.B.C., 162 English Conversation, 99 Error on the Kight Side (An), 198 Etiquette for Theatrical Critics, 212% Europe, Speak Out! 227 Excommunieated King (An), 231 Fax of London (The), 24 Fee! Fil Fo! Fal Fum! 11 Fétes for Ticket of Leavers, 146 fielding on Field-Marshals, 161 Fighting Dog Extraordinary (A), 138 Finale wo Sebastopol (The), 126 Finis Coronet, 88 “ First Class Gentlemen,” 17 Five Minutes Advice on Fainting, 75 Five Minutes with the Advertisers, 2565 Five Pounds Reward, 141 | Flag that has not Braved Anything, 132 Florence Nightingale, 225 Flowers of the Temple, 227 Foreign Enlistssent Principle (The), 19 French and English Knighthood, 215 French Bull taken by the Horns (A), 104 Fresh Lights in the Puseyite Church, 23 Fruity Joke (A), 16 Further Decline of the ae 224 Gaz in the Heather (The), 139 | Genuine I mage- Man ( They 226 German Armour, or Mail and Female, 61 | German Criticism, 134 | German Domestic Economy, 133 | Germany of Germans (A), 142 | “ Geropiga,” 72 Gigantic Hotel Prices, 161 Giut of National Anthems (A), 233 Gortschakoff's Address to Peaee Party, 196 Governess Grinders, 169 Great Perambulator Races (The), 168 Gross Attempt at Imposition, 22 Guy Fawkes’ Day in Vienna, 213 Hare not Apparent (The), 126 Habits of Great Men, 266 Handful of German Silver (A), 154 Harvest of the War (The), 11 | Head at the Banquet (The), 66 Head Quarters of Bully Bottom, 268 “ Heaven Bless the Duke of Argyle!" 224 Hint from the Antipodes (A), 136 | Hints for Continental Travellers, 91 Homcopathic Sunday (A), 22 | Homilies and Hoaxes, 207 Hopeless Case ia Hanover Square (A), 2 Horrible Intentions, 160 Horrors of the Money Market, 201 “ House of Elmore” (The), 227 How Punch is treated in Russia, 66 How the Nightingale was not caught, 254 How to Administer Advice, 201 How to get an Advertisement, 223 | How to restore Confidence, 10 “ How very like Spoonbill!"’ 188 How we amend our Bills in the House, 24 Human Forgiveness, 145 I Don’? Believe a my Boy, 151 Idol Trade (The), 22 If Women Bet, ary do“they Bet? 146 | Il Trovatore, 29 “Tli Send thee a Wind,” 140 Lilustrations of Sunday Reading, 15) [mmaculate Cannon, 152 impassable Park (The), 100 Improvement of the Railway Whistle, 145 In the name of the re Figs, 198 Indemnity for the War, Indian Candidates, 109 infallible Cure for a Short Sight, 22 Ink from Beer, 1 Inseription for a German Bed, 116 Inspection of Field-Marsbais, 174 Interesting to Moralists, 26 Invocation from the Army, (An), 253 Irish Freaks of Nature, 71 Jack and Lady Nancy, 19 Joba Bull to —— 23 John loves a Lord Joke in apite of hie T Teeth, 183 Jonathan @ Peace- Maker, | Jones the “ Moon,” 143 Jullien Era (The), 207 Jumping Wafer (The), 134 Justice at the Footlights, 16 Justice is Dissatisfied, Justice Unjustly Treated, 71 Justice Waiting till Called for, 208 Kev to the Anti-Moustache Movement A), 236 King Cliequot, 42, 184 King ot Naples on the Carpet (The), 80 | King of Portugal (The), 41 | | King of Prassia’s ‘Toasts (The), 187 | King 26 -_ K\N NN King who has lost his Loving Cup, 243 Knighthood of the Steam Bath, Lapse’ Pew-Com heh is bton Babies (The i Lansdowne to the to dey y (A), 106 Laureate’s View of War (The), League of Crowned Sausages (The), 153 Letters Kewarded—“ Noctes Ambrosiana, 104 Light Cavelry Chaunt (A), 90 Lines to Scandinavia, 196 Lion-Hunter’s Museum (The), 176 Literary Le of Flowers (The), 146 Literature of the Toilet, 109 Little Lectures for Lord John, 215 London on Wheels, 214 Lord Brougham made a Valuable Const- deration, 123 Lord Ernest Vane, 156 Lord John turned Leeturer, 193 Lord Robert Grosvenor, 2, 4 Lordling's Lecture Mania (The), 212 Lowe Style of Logic (A Lowest Seale of Borrowing (The), 139 Main Reason for a Maine Law (A), 166 Man and Beast, 257 Manchester in Paris, 115 Manners— Witham and Without 'em, 225 Maud for A tural Meetings», 176 Ministers a Cup too Low, 74 Modest Lewy —c (A), 9 More Bright Ideas, Most ‘Touching Prost (A), 104 Mr. Gladstone's Peace Song, 71 Mr. Laing’s Russian Reward, 02 Mr. Speaker's Glee, 11 Mrs. Durden’s Annual Troubles, 103 Mrs. Grundy's Administrative Reform, 21 Mrs. Grundy on Adulteration, 54 Mrs. Swansdown’s Work-Table, 206, 217, 233, 246, 266 Munificent Donations, 265 Muscovite Wit, 191 “ My Lady the Housemaid,’ 182 National Anthem for Prussia, 256 Nelson’s Daughter and Grandchildren, 9 New Hlood in the Peerage, 152 New Brussell’s Sprout (A), 15 | New Cerberus ~ ae Street,-172 New Doorkee (The), 36 New Kind of oad Dress ( 258 New Law of Limited L rently ( (The), New Map of Europe (The), 161 New Shakspearian Points, 14 — sn per Noodleism, 182 nner for a Nice Party (A), Nie Man for a Small (Peace) Party, 221 Night with Clicquot (A), 197 Night with the Natives at Drury Lane, 83 Nightingale’s Nest (The), 90 Nineteen Fortunes for Threepence, 61 Nitocris at Drary Lane, 150 “ Now, Boys!” 208 Nursery Khymes for Field-Marshals, 172 “ On, bring me Showers!" 129 Old Bricks and Old Mortars, 4 Omnibus Committee (The), 241 Oue Cure for Drunkenness, 196 One Touch of Nature, 4 Uur Future Contemporaries, 20 Our Gallant Allies, 201 Our Naval Greatness, 79 Our Organised Hypocrisy, 92 Our Own Committee on the Beer Bill, Our Own Kailway in Trow 3 Our Queen and Ourselves, | me +

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— — ep ere ae eee oh pai 262 INDEX. (Decempsr 29, 1855, Operatic Blow-out (As), 222 Rassian Oil on the Fire, 202 Uniform for Army Chaplains, 160 Order of the Chimney-Pot (The), 252 Russian Piz Market (The), 129 Unpardonable Omission (An), 213 SMALL ENGRAVINGS :— Patwrun's Medal ), 216 Russian Reception of the of the Fall | Unwarrantable Affair (An), 113 P pike Antipodes, 155° | mamta entre as aoe Vatus of tame (Tesh sane cds of the inde Panay ee | Palmerston at As % Reinforcements, ALOE ofa BB | pam fo Chastey, 60 ts oe Rention version of the Queew's Visit to Vacxall dd the Weather, 119 oy Taree Sea Sickness ware, | . agra [crc |i Ok Racesctaeee we ABBATE- = Van (A), Pense-Monger's Peace (The), 144 Salary fora cane Men, Voice from Houndsditch 72 Cantion during the Approaching Festive y (The), 94 at the Zoviogical, Voice of the Country on Shows, 165 Season (A), (The), 34 ve me from my Indian Friend, 121 Warren “ The Van,” i11 Shoe Black), 33 Petrified pa. A ns Seboot fr Thaw fm the Tact (A, 170 Wash tot Cure Nuisance a 140 al } (A) . s j Ph: Afloat (A), 26 ‘ of Collective Wisdom (A), 62 Pate ( 4) 134 7 Cool and this Hot Weather, 3 Pious Poffers (The), 1 hoes Watery-Grave of (The), 32 Did you Ever! 224 Plain Facets for People, 135 Seasonable -Hameur, 267 Wedding-Ring in Difficuities (A), 130 Dirty Boys at Whitebait Dinner, 66 i Playful Polecats (The), 201 Sentietes be sanater Square, 36 What Gentlemen ought to do! 245 Drat the 136 Playground in T Square, 159 Sentiments for the , 92 Whitebait’s Revenge (The), 39 Eclipse of the 192 Plash under Diffieulries, 61 sergeants Silk Handkerchief (A), 114 Who hes Ascended Mont Bene ? 140 Fagging System (The), 132 Poem in Prison (A), 32 ! Nonsense! 130 Who isa ? 4 Joke (A), 194 of Grease (The), 237 Joseph Hume have a Statue ?.79 Cock Robin? 184 H Idea (A), 195 Poor Husband on Bonnets (A), 244 who make Sots, 119 doa't Newspapers go by Post? 159 How Adjutant aay curves ext Cap- Poor Man's Apostrophe to C Sir Laurie's Mission, 187 Why she could not Smile, Dear Mother, 70 tain | OOF of Worcester (The), 168 Six-pounder for Linli shire (The), 15 | Wiseacres and Fools, 216 invaded England, 206 Pop goes the Pontiff, 123 Smasbed Violin bine), 38 Wiseman and 8t. Wiaifred, 122 How very Embarrassing, 174 Pope at Two Hundred and Twelve (The), 82 | Some very Odd Pish, Women’s Friend Society (The), 125 John Thomas the Flunkey, 30, 62 Porkers on 96 Somerset House Clock again (The), 213 Wonders of the Victorian Age (The), 83 Lad of Observation (A), 164 Prayer for 166 Something about the Know-Nothings, 121 Working Man's Guide (The), 62 Last Refuge of a Banished Smoker, 218 Present for Victor H (a> Song of Autuma (A), 192 Working of the Sunday Beer Bill, 25 “ Last Rope for a Penny!” 205 Present Lass of Richmond Hill (The), 216° | Song of the Organ Grinder, 130 Workman's Promenade Coneert, 73 Latest Romish Miracle (The), 235 Privacy in Scottish Inns, 151 Song of the Tic! Leave Man, 212 “ Write me down” a Record, 94 Likely Case (A), 53 Probable Glut of Geni 96 Prodigy “oo Pulpit (A), 108 roots men your Reformatories, Remarkable Banking 0 Kemarkably Healthy C &e. for a C A Sarena oO of C Guceth skis Pashios (A), 236 | pep Mart LABELAIS in the Laxu M4 wang 12, 30, 70 25. (A), 184 Keport of the Police C. fl oo blie” of Letters (The), 200 Return from the Baltic (The), 154 Re’ Pu i tea at Boulogne, 92 (The), 84 i e E 8 i ! S i 5 tf rat i Ht [i i lr " ? E if ; ff i it and Kan ae (4 149 ma Trum , 142 — Yousse Prime Ministers, 175 Youth Missing, 234 LARGE ENGRAVINGS :— | ALL but Trapped, 180 Bear and Ragged Staff (The), 229 Billetting pee (The), 189 Chad | * at ey ‘A), 137 j The), as en would have him— you, Mr. Hall, 37 his C 7 F giving Ministerial Whitebait Dinner (The), 67 (The), 250 | French Shawls for 1866, 77 | Grand Military 181 Harvest of the War, 117 Hooded Snake Fascinating that Silly | Bird, the —- ~ ye (The),219 | La Belle Alliance, 1865, 87 Men in Possession (The), 146 Ministerial White Bsit Dinner (The), 67 | eae Conduct of H.R.HF.M.P.A,, New Coalition (The), 167 New Game of Follow my Leader (The), 209 Next Eruption of Mount Vesuvi as, 107 Puritans’ Penance, 17 Roadside Inn (The), 7 Split Crow in the Crimes (The), 126 Sunday Equality, 57 Ticket-of-Leave Minister (A), 199 Use of Adulteration (The), 47 What is the Price of Peace ? 239 What we must come to? 157 Lo BRADBURY AND Evans, NDON: PRINTERS, WuITEPRIARS, M just Wear Something (A), 143 Miseus ie Nervous, 160” Police are agped Lat (The), 23 Polite A), 170 Portenit of the in tight Collar, 49 Uniform for the Police, 13 alf, Useful, if not Ornamental, 116 What our Artist has to put up with, 40

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